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But I’m takin the food. And I’m takin the floor model.

He put down his black shotgun, straight out of Terminator 2. Reached up where the mass shooter Bushmaster AR-15 hung.

There to be ventilated by death squads no dou bt. Sorry Manny. On a scale of 1 to 10, I texted, how good i s your coke dealer. 11, she said. Thirty minutes later I was walking two miles down Normandie from the 4 bus with my rent money in my pocket.

She was cute. We got high.

That was who read William Blake. There was a crowd now. He recognized every face.

People murmuring, mumbling, losing their places; half-coherent lyrics swirling around big glass stained glass windows that were beginning to melt. Jesus with a sheep.

As for saving at 23: median household pre-tax income is $51,989 per year. Who saves on 40 grand net with a kid.

It costs twice that for a school where gas huffing sasquatches don’t commit Rwandan machete genocide. Nobody has money.

T ry to relax, he said. Norwood jamme d the cold marb le-size metal end into his nostri l and began jerking the steel into his sinus. It felt like drowning.

Thin fingers grated hard on his psoriasis patches. Made them sting.

Bachelors degree, five years indus try experience required. They’re all like this. Because these people are all liars.

In order for them to pay you they demand that you be a liar too. Are you passionate about financ e? Of course not.

Later I looked at Paris Review. The first story is by Chris Batchelder.

I remember a plaque with that name at my prep school. Flint Batchelder, captain of the 1902 lacrosse team or something.

Giant nose cracked in half, huge uneven nostrils flapping open; impossibly long white nose hairs. You trim but always miss a couple. They snake out when you’re going in fora kiss like blind sea worms grasping for her eyes.

I hate my body . Starvation level body fat but still, folds when I bend over.

Read quality literature, watch birds in the forest. Clean your motherfucking act up and be a functioning human being.

This is what happens. This is why people have to have kids.

Nice yard with trees. Wake up beside her on a fall morning.

Watch her while she sleeps. How her hair lies on the pillow.

e. whatever you have they’ll take– the Rothschilds, the Waltons, the reptilians, whatever you call them– they.

The inherited money people. The interest of the interest of four hundred years of slave ship money people absolutely will extract any inefficiency aka money freedom happiness. Destroy my job, destroy society , destroy the planet.

She wanted my copious sperm load un-mutated by decades of liquor and cigarettes. In adolescence we are made perfect.

From there we slowly rot and decline. There were handsomer boys. But she took a shot at me because I was lonely. Smart.

It’s fine, she says. I didn’t come here to fuck you.

I like your work. Maybe this is a sign. Let’s just be with each other as human beings.

Bend her over and watch her lanky ass cheeks slap together as I whack them hard with an open palm. She is probably fifteen. Can’t arrest a man for dreaming.Girl in the Window Woman in the next building opened her blinds this morning.

T-shirt and underwear. I was out smoking.

If they cleaned you off with a hot towel it’d be OK. But she takes a wad of toilet paper and smears the fatthick fishy smelling drops off your belly and then sprints to discard it in the bathroom wastebasket.

That jizz is my DNA. It is me— treat it like it’s something better than dogshit. He’s concerned that she’s a coke sniffing drunk.

Now, it wouldn’t hurt to hear something new. But this wasn’t going to be the night.

Anyway , I walked here– did you drive? Uh huh. Where did you park? Why are you asking me that. Why don’t you give me a ride back to my place and we can take a walk in the park. Oh, and we’re going to listen to the owls and you can try to fuck me? Correct. I can’t believe I’m doing this. Let me close out my tab.I can’t believe you’re doing the exact same thing with me that you wrote about 5,000 times and I’m fucking agreeing to it. How do you think I feel. Each time they had different drinks and stayed different lengths at the bar. But the tab was always 36 dollars.

Snaking into holes in the blown out Sherman Oaks roofs around them. Waking up mold spores in wrecked sectional couches and pianos and entertainment centers.

Fattening up the burned out corpses of TV writers on hiatus who’d moved over the Cahuenga pass seeking highly rated schools. The scorched ribs of the pit bull mixes they’d rescued .

Getting strong to chase the buf falo. I can’t live here anymore. They’re jacking the rent up to where I can’t save money .

The neighborhood’ s New York people now. White Creative Directors of Comcast’ s Diverse Women Entrepreneurs Campa ign.

What you get is: half what you got before. Someone used to need you. Listen to you.

Now you don’t make enough money. You don’t wash the dishes enough.

The more time passed the more her children might be retarded. Her job was her life and her friends were job friends and she couldn’t bring him around.

They had houses and were half famous. He had nothing and he was nothing. If you’re gonna go, you’re gonna go.

How do I do that without hurting someone, you asked. Go have fun on your date, He said. You went. She was cool.

You were open and human with her. And she with you.

Wintertime. Even out here with sunshine and flowers, you carry the cold with you.

No way to fight it. Like the man said, don’t try.

Work lot for customers only. Rough day but they all were.

Gloria the goth cashier girl called in sick. He had to cover .

Plus, Sparkle was biracial. Her optics were better for Ellen! andfrankly, Candy wasn’t hot.

Ice sports don’t test well with Hispanics. Unilever would thus be ill-advised to match the 46 CPM Ellen! was asking.

I know already that you offer me nothing. But you are pretty.

I want to have sex with you. I also know that you are blonde haired blue eyed slender traditional beauty with a college education so fucking you will be an extraordinary hassle.

Every minute of the shoe not dropping another minute I could be prepping to hurt them bad. Really I’ll be beating off.

I won’ t say to who. She’ s the type to get revenge. Pussy is the Only Thing As I was washing shit off my dick with the citrus almond hand soap I tried to feel bad.

I pray that that’s where the money goes. The other me.

The happier one. Find me. Fire me.

Just like cop shows make competent cops look normal, because the case has to wrap after the fourth commercial. Really they just write tickets and kill blacks. Wake up.

Write alone. Write shit and spend the day ruminating how your writing is shit.

There’s a clamshell lid with another heated surface that you lower on top of them, and the meat is done in ninety seconds. The clamshell grill is a proprietary McDonald’s technology that a training video has explained to you preserves maximum freshness and sanitation in the meat.

A light flashes and a distinctive bell sounds and you lift the clamshell lid and spatula the burgers onto the buns you’ve prepared. You have caramelized the buns in a toasting unit which has its own distinctive lights and a buzzer that you will hear in your dreams.

Why did you tell me? You can’t stop it now, said Fritz. And if you could, you wouldn’t anyway.

I mean do you look at this fucking place and think: how could I leave this behind? He felt his heart going. A sweat coming on like he had a parasite.

He hoped it worked. It did on Mythbusters .

Wild peas, she said. She climbed out of the car and squatted by the bank where the water ran into a pipe under the road. Picked some and brought them back to him, with one little flower.

Improbably he wore a polo shirt with Tabasco bottles on it. They were dancing with golf balls.

The man was raising his revolver. DON’T DO IT MAN, he said. He lined up the razor arrow tip with a hot sauce bottle.

Without Tinder . Without friends, without partying.

How to get laid working alone in a veal pen never speaking to women. I need to fucking– what, meet girls at AA meetings.

The baby was 18 months and Violet often spoke of schools. In his tux Charles looked worse, something gone from his eyes.

A Norwood 3 now with the hairline out of Coppola’ s Dracula. Chief Creative Officer.

It’s always been like this. I listened to my AA sponsor .

I was grateful to be of service and now I’m alone working my ass off with nothing for nothing and I’m horribly aware that my problems don’t exist and they’re all in my own head. I do have a hundred grand.

Men with net worths like the amount of platinum they estimate is in asteroids. Car collections and horse collections and commensurate pussy collections.

The smell of so much hot twat on them it draws bears. If I have a Tinder match I know it’s fake. OKCupid: 0 visitors, 0 likes, 0 messages.

Get a cabin; some acreage. Out there you can own a pond.

Maybe; I have no fucking idea. But I’m pretty sure you can get a place on a fuckton of land with a breathtaking view of snow capped mountains and possibly a creek running through it where you can flyfish, if you’re into flyfishing.

I’ve surrendered work money emotions friends family… everything. Go out in the park in the morning, hear the wind hiss in the leaves.

Know that I’m a puny mote in the universe. All will be taken care of.

Wanted the nurse to tell me it was not an anorectal abscess. Sir, please stop looking at WebMD and getting paranoid.

I know it blows when your ass hurts, but suck it up for a day or two. It’ll just go away.

If you’re an alcoholic, you’re gonna want to drink extra liquor tonight to power through the sensations you’re gonna be feeling for the next several hours. I am speaking directly to you, Delicious Tacos, the announcer said.

You are an idiot for wanting to stop drinking. Why would you torture yourself further.

I want to be romantically loved. God please help me not ask you for selfish things. God please give me money and sex. ** It’s 153 degrees and I’ll never , ever have a girlfriend.

Met a girl with big tits at the barbecue. Amy .

I couldn’t make a move, and I couldn’t run with it if she made a move, which I think she would do if we were ever drunk together. It would be too weird seeing her at the office; we don’t connect like that.

It’s not a flirty, sassy banter type relationship, it’s wanting to ravage a budding child. She must be ovulating today because it’s especially bad.

Massage massage . She looked like his ex’s junior high school portrait. The one that got away.

How old are you, he said. Nineteen. I can’t.If you don’t like you get massage from my sister. Behind her the sister leaned on a dumpster, made up in raccoon eyes. She was his ex’s fifth grade portrait.

Why do I only know the word “stochastic” from The Simpsons . But then, he’s bald.

No One Else Gets Laid Either I’m six foot one. Barely over peak age for a man.

The bones in his face creaked like an old house in the wind. NNMMMPPH, he said.It’s as expected, said Norwood.

Now for your testicles – No– It’s for your own good, I need to understand your endocrine function. He looked as Norwood brushed aside his paper gown, to where his nuts lay in their hideous pool of skin. Quite distended, said Norwood. Are they always like this? I guess. At your age the gonads will have lost some function.

OKCupid, I pine for your golden age like a mother for her lost child. How is it that I can’t get a date now when I write for another guy on there and he’s killing it.

He has a cool job. What if I need a “cool” job again.

Wondering where your emotions go. Getting channeled to the robot self checkout by a girl who has to say exact corporate words to me. Contem plating how she’s told what face to make. What tone of voice to use.

It sounds friendly but she tries hard to not sound flirtatious. So men leave her alone.

Just held her hand. At school they started calling her Easy Marcy.

It was her birthday. She was thirteen.What Can You Do Hello, FBI. Yes, I’d like to report a… a threat, it’s a threat to seize nuclear weapons– I’m sorry can you repeat that sir? Yes, I am aware of a terrorist– it’s… they’re trying to get nuclear weapons, they’re going to– Can I get your name please sir? I’d rather not say. He was on a phone he bought at 7-11.

Trump is a fuckin buffoon but Hillary makes me believe in lizard people. The only good news is legally the president can only kill Arabs.

Shuffle money from one Rothschild to another while you work for nothing. Pay taxes so the lucky poor can fuck succulent teens while you die in a world of bills.

Kim. Still, I ask: did you try google.

She asks: what is google. The girl I still jerk off to was deaf. Little beach town.

The Dow is up seventeen points, on news that congress is close to reaching a deal. Seventeen points out of fifteen fucking thousand. What use is this to anybody . “It Don’t Mean a Thing if it Ain’t Got That Swing” plays saucily on the piano, since the NASDAQ is down.

News of a disappointing IPO from a company that helps you send dick pics. Didn’t find enough suckers.

Later their son fell off his bike and got a scratch. She had insisted on purchasing a new, separate tube of ointment, even though he had looked it up on the internet and the one for cats was the exact same ingredients as the one for people.

You’re sure. Look, I don’t have a specific memory of the soap among 15,000 other items. But I bought it. OK? It’s gonna be fine.

Every day . It was boring. Alexa, tell me a story . OK.

What story would you like to hear? I don’ t know– pick one. Make one up. I’m sorry , I don’ t understand that– Alexa—listen to me, very carefully– OK– DON’T SA Y “OK.” All right, I’ll stop say– JESUS CHRIST – SHUT UP.

He might think it was gross but somehow she knew it was OK. They were talking about catching fish. How tourists bought fancy lures but the thing the fish liked best was just a wadded up ball of Wonder bread.

Ricky, why do you hit Bryan, she said. Because he’s a fag, said Ricky. Steve laughed. It’s guy stuff, said Bryan.

I want her to suck my dick but I accept that she won’t. She won’t suck me off but she will carefully cup and tickle my oily ass until my cock is so stiff it’s glowing and then stand on my spine and crush the boner she made into the thin prison mattress.

I just need her to flip me over and squat and wrap her hot fat third world twat around my meatpipe. Let me cum in her raw in two pumps and bear my child and never speak to me about it or make me pay for it.

But plans have changed and instead of the house I got you a nice hotel. This is her modus operandi. Rich men who make computers and spaceships take her out.

Try to get her drunk on $3,000 bottles of wine. Promise houses and boats.

Every book where someone stabs someone, she thought, they always remarked: so much blood. It was always more than they expe cted.

But she was able to form a dam with some dish towels to pool it up, keep it on the tile and off the carpet. Her hands were shaking.

Same with the next one. Chinese.

Fat too; she had a condo from her green card marriage to some Shanghai oligarch. Why do you pay for this,she said.

The life of a fucksleeve. The radiation burned her skin and the drugs made her throw up all the time and she started slipping away.

He would sit with her under the IV bag and hold her hand. She was slipping but she was still her; she could still make him laugh. The drugs didn’t work and she needed surgery.

She was pretty. I loved her as much as I’ve loved anybody .

She loved me like that too. I’m glad I got to feel that.

Because the ghosts are lonely. Back in the old days, when this happened, they’d have a ghost wedding. Really? Yeah.

You married a girl ghost to a boy ghost and they could be together in the afterlife. They’d be happy.

He made a new alloy, it was going to make bridges that didn’t collapse. The way you made it, something about the process– there was less pollution. Oh wow, he said. Chad was going to sell it to Gillette.

They found out it made razor blades go dull faster. I told him to quit and he didn’t want to leave before the deal.

I could palpate her jiggling white tits all night. I forget if they have those blue veins that big white girl titties get.

But there are freckles. After five Koreans and a Mexican you want that boiled ham. Maybe I could pull it off.

Thinking good luck. Picturing the woman with two black eyes wading through rice fields on a water buf falo. I always wanted to go, she said.You should.

Y our family’ s from there? Nakaka intindi ka ba ng T agalog? Haha, no. Maybe you can tell me about it.

It was a unicorn. He thought he might have a heart attack. You saved my life, she said. She was using telepathy .

He wondered if she could read his thoughts. Yes, she said.

They are tipped off to what you are. Because the autodialer waits for what it thinks is a human voice to connect you.

The person is already pissed off. You have a dumb terminal in front of you.

Others waited in line at a jagged hole that had been the Safeway door. A group went in, three at a time. You were right, he said.

I didn’t think it would be like this. He held out the binoculars so she could see.

You accomplish nothing. Still, I’m gonna go to Thailand.

They have temples and birds but I’m there to jerk off using other human beings. They are slaves who will pretend to like me due to pove rty. I can’t wait.You get closer but God Himself won’t stop you being horny .

Only ones who come right to your place are mannish pigs built like Artie Lange. Giant sweaty pubic fat pads with razor bumps. Even this would be fine, if I didn’t have to chase it.

But Vladimir Harkonnen makes you message first.What do I want. My mind wants a smart girl like Nikol.

He wanted to throw Anthony Hopkins overboard and take her to a beach and eat breadfruit. What was breadfruit.

Why is she being nice to me. What else do I not know about you, she said. Jesus Christ, where to begin, he said.

I wrote stories. Were they published? He laughed. Only interest I got was a rich guy who wanted me to write his OKCupid profile. Did you?Yeah.

He met his wife from it. She was beautiful.

Once in a while a borracho picks a fight with you on the sidewalk. Little guys but all nonwhites have fast hands.

There’ s still a drunk who stands in his front yard on Montana street and yells at white people. Hey white boy get the fuck out of my neighborho od, he says. Back when I had style they’d scream hey faggot.

Which meant he had a chance. Something red and itchy had been growing on his face under his eye.

He’d been smearing ointment on it that got on his clothes but it kept growing. Maybe staying out of daylight was smart. The bar was dark but a beam from a light sculptur e made his ointment shine like a jewel.

Mid century modern furniture. A hanging coppe r fruit basket.

Books arranged by color. She likes you, she says about the dog.

But she was able to form a dam with some dish towels to pool it up, keep it on the tile and off the carpet. Her hands were shaking.

She hadread about this too. Everything was going down exactly as described in countless novels about murder.

Police come, she explained. Massage only.

He looked it up after. Three sheriff’s deputies had been masturbated.

But once in a while he’d get in a fight with another cat. Spend hours squaring off with it under some car.

Fluffykins won mostly , which made him proud. But out back was a big steep hill covered in tall grass; coyotes lived there.

This was revolutionary for me because previously roasting a chicken was a day long labor due to the side dishes: mashed potatoes or pommes Anna; drunkenly wrestling with wet slippery tubers and sharp blades– having an effortless yet delicious starch means a chicken can be roasted after work on a Tuesday night. Just because you have a stressful career is no reason you shouldn’t live well. I kind of want to tell her: Ma, I’m all fucked up, I’m trapped in this job and it’s crushing me and I have no way out, and I’m a sex addict and I always hurt people and I’m going to get AIDS; I drink like a hobo and wake up on weekdays so hung over that my eyeballs hurt; sometimes I get so drunk on work nights that I break things and cry.

I don’t know what I’m gonna do and please please help me. And if she knew that was how I felt she would desperately want to hear it.

Easy when you got used to it. The book was a success. She was redeemed. Their wedding was in May at the Echo Park duck pond.

The coots seemed to hide and the starlings had lost feathers in their necks. Some parasite. Violet was a bridesmaid.

Make it so she can’t get to you. Love is a fight and you stay on top by loving the other person less.

You get to where it’s like this right away. From the first date. First minute.

W hat did it mean. ********** I’m gonna cum too fast the first time. But give me about 15 minutes and I’ll get hard again, he said.

I’m sorry but you’re just too hot. She asked about a condom.

Nineteen inch penis. I’ll choke you if you want. I promise to make you like me.

Leave you twisting in the wind. Erased it. When he had something he sent it to Vlad and Vlad said here’s my password, just post it.

He had her ipad on his lap to watch Conan the Barbarian. Golden Age Schwarzenegger had fled across frozen wastes.

He came upon a hut. A woman with 1982 plastic surgery stood in the door.

She’s the one. No one else will be like this.

Maybe I go and she eats me alive. No being rational . It’s go or not.

Old book s and magazines. Old art on the walls.

Prints of Hudson River Valley school paintings cut out of a coffee table book, taped to the drywall. Certificates and degrees, too far away to read, yellowed, askew in cheap frames.

She is locking her knees. Awkwardly putting her elbow in front of the tits.

To do so she has to fix her arm like a broken chicken wing. She knows. She would rather mate with a slug.

At $199.99 per subscriber per year the stakes were too high. Y ou had to pay an American. The job got to him.

Conning old people out of their cat food money . And of course the screaming , the cursing, the threats.

Or no– I’ve told the genie: I want to have that ass forever. As you wish, he says.

Cut to our wedding day. You maynow kiss the bride.

She’s doing the math wrong but I consider it. The intent would be to fuck up her life.

Make her move in with me and wash my dishes. We’d have a good baby; she’s good looking and smart.

That you like birds and the opera. I’m glad someone’s amazed. I was an Audubon Society Junior Birdwatcher. And I play the flute. He was surprised.

He’d heard a song coming from her headphones once in the break room. It was about drinking cough syrup. Maybe we can go look at birds over lunch some time, she said.

Can you lean to the right please. Are you going to – Just a small sample. Most men have no problem with it.

Please just relax. Have you had decreased libido, loss of physical strength – No- When we see inflammation like yours, it’s sometimes secondary to a decline in testosterone. It can be comorbid with impotence – I mean, my sex drive is normal.

I’ll take it, he thought. ********** The night of Fourth of July her dog went crazy and when he parked three blocks away he heard her barking. When he got to the house the girl was in a towel and the dog was soaking wet and shaking.

Distant boom s rattled thewindows. She jumped in the shower with me, she said.

She’s worried they’ll be a story . They could be a problem for me. I asked why , but I knew .

Because they’re kind of hateful , she said. They’re not hateful– You said “fuck the Jews.” Not all of them Well what do you think Buzzfeed would think of that. You think it’s funny but people read this stuff and they become racist.

Mineral rich silt fossilizes bones. Recovered by future reptilian species.

Placed in museum. They have that kind of autistic woman they do occasional BBC specials on who marries a bridge, who’ s in love with a fence, etc.

You knew I’d protect you. I’d walk back toward home and you’d wait for me to get twenty feet and then run after me, try to catch my legs. My cars came and went; you knew them all by sound.

Come running up the street when I’d come home from work. Run along the high cinder block fence at eye level with me.

You like them and it makes them not like you. Find someone good a nd she ends up hurting you more.

No free lunch in this world. But why do you get stuck with the bill when you’re still eating the fuckin meal. He sighed.

LAPD flies low, rattles the windows. Spindly spotlight fingers some cholo’s garage. Engine drone like a whole Stukka squadron, thump thump thump of the blades, the loudspeaker.

“JOSE ECHEVARRIA, COME OUT OF THE HOUSE.” Excellent pronunciation, they roll the R’s and everything. I want a Stinger missile. Heat seeker made to get planes on takeoff and landing.

Herpes from wiry punk singers. I’m sure she fucks them too. *Except you, honey.Sugar Baby She was in Mexico and she’d left him.

He’d bought her a plane ticket to visit him. She said extracting money from men made her feel love.

Said: I got paroled so I’m not going to do more work inside. He’ll get out and kill people. Shit stops working.

You have to find new shit. This includes God.

I don’t have cancer– except typing “cancer” probably gives me cancer . Well if I have cancer I don’t know about it.

Same as not having it. Good haircut. When I wear my tight gay T shirt my latissimi dorsi ripple in a manne r that would please wom en, if my face were perfect and I earned at least $2.5 million a year.