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And I’m glad to be friends with you. But now I’m supposed to ask you the same question and the one thing I can’t ever hear is you talking about another man.

So let’s move on to other topics. This curry , for instance.

Certificates of education about rattlesnakes, coyotes. You had to try and try.

You had to know somebody. Nothing left alive to soak up the sounds and the air made white noise like a jet engine next to you.

Don’ t you get it. I work, then come home.

Go to bed early . I got a better shot at cancer than at a girlfriend. Quit your job, she says.

The skin of her arms hot. He could feel it. Hi, yeah...

he said. She was crouching again. Facing him.

Fluffykins won mostly, which made him proud. But out back was a big steep hill covered in tall grass; coyotes lived there.

If the cat was out after dark he’d sit and think about the coyotes ripping him apart until he came in. The cat hadn’t come on the street out front.

He paused. Down the street monsoon clouds miles high. Something black flapped across the moon.Festival of Savings He dreamed he was walking.

Looked down and his hands were holding papers. Folders of mistakes he’d made.

One fish left living in his tank. But one of his cactuses had blossomed.

His credit had improved. Things he didn’ t think could be taken away had been.

She did have perfect tits. She did have an IUD, so I could blast in her, her laying on her stomac h, one of my legs between her legs.

Big tits and perfect small nipples. That’ s something.

We can do this, she said, but if we make a baby I’m going to keep it. When I think of her now we make the baby .

He’d be 25. Coffee Shop Diary: Quite an Ass How to get laid. How to meet girls without bars.

Your mistakes, less meaningful than the death of a liver fluke. Like your happiness. You were never born.

You never lived. When you’re dead things are just the way they’ve always been.

There’s a new property with rail spur. Specifically designed for meat storage, or citrus.

If you meet your wife I get ten grand, he said. He was kidding, but Vlad said: done. Vlad already had a profile.

Locked the car. Picked up the heavy tupperware and his briefcase off the trunk lid.

When he got to the dark glass door from parking garage to office, he put the briefcase down. Then the tupperware.

Watching me walk past the “LOTTERY, ATM” sign and the cutout of a leering Captain Morgan. Sadly shaking their heads.

I made a show of walking out not holding a bag. The liquor store had fine deals on all my favorites, as is its wont.

Not one relaxed skeleton. The old Mercedes took the vegetable oil fine, as Jamie and Adam had confirmed . But sipping it for calories made their hair greasy.

Their guts slippery. The car had sat low on the back tires with weight of the water they carried, but not now.

It’s building painful lesions on to your face. It’ s taking over . OK but– As I said, not much we can do.

But it does sometimes fade. It does?Yes, and then comes back; the overall pattern gets worse over time of course. But you may have some good days.

The poor girl– I brought her here to party. Get some drama.

Last time I got four good posts out if it. Now she holds me at night and I cry.

Likes the same book s as me. She too is a writer toiling in obscurity. Worried about losing her voice in work, worried about time.

We lock in on the same sentences in stories. I want a relationship.

Got her tits out in the moonlight. Inside he put on “Prelude to the Afternoon of a Faun” They got naked.

He got on top of her on the mattress he’d put out for a kid he was babysitting. Got ready to go in. What if I have AIDS, she said. Well now you got it twice. She told him don’t cum in me seven minutes in.

I need a detail oriented motivated self starting rock star where you just plug it in and it works. Oppor tunity for growth. You could be sitting where I’m sitting some day. Next year it could be you regarding some nervous schlump’s resume with your lizardlike eyes, tapping a pen on a pressboard desk like a fucking woodpe cker on meth thinking how soon can I get out of this interview.

Why does HR keep sending me these shitbirds when I asked for a chick. Sweating in a bad suit, bad shoes, eyes rubbed raw glaring at people’s stupid emails until you can’t read street signs anymore; you can’t focus on anything more than three feet away. Wondering if they monitor your internet; you’ve been reading hooker reviews, wondering if you can afford an appropriate tip for “Anastasia” who has received three point eight stars collectively and has “the cutest accent” according to whoremaster69.

There is no tomorrow. No later.

There is now. You can fuck me now or never see me, and if I were you, 38 years old, I would take what you can get. Let me know your number if you’re dow n.How I Met Your Mother We met on a web site.

Work used to be eight hours. Now fourteen.

She works fourteen hours too. And proud of it.

And they smelled like need. He thought the idea of God was ridiculous but he believed that women could smell pheromones through phones and computers.

That if he sent the exact same words but didn’t get laid the night before they could tell. Therefore it was important that he message girls today . The shot clock had been reset. I think we’ll have fun, one of them said back. 949-555-6879. ********** They were at El Prado.

Does that mean I’m not leaving. Am I a ghoul– no, I’m just an ordinary citizen thinking about performing approximately eighteen hours of hot room cunnilingus on this southeast Asian 16 year old.

The way her charcoal color sweatpants appear to get sucked up into her puffy snatch from behind. Need to write an AA amends to a person I resent. I resent him because I hate my own life.

He took the water, the sport duffle full of guns and bear arrows. Paused to pat the walnut on the dashboard. We’ll come back for her if we need to, she said.

But you can let her go. She kept us safe. She was right. **The beach looked almost like nothing had happened.

His voice is in the birds. But somewhere there’ s a city crew using a gas powered weed cutter or some shit. Clearing brush at 8am on a Sunday .

Definitely the best time to have loud machines. Not between 9 and 5 on a weekday when people are at school and work.

So I defini tely bought it. It’s here somewhere. OK, “somewhere” doesn’t do me any good though.

It exists, that’s great, but it’ s not helpful . What I want to know is where did you put it. I mean I thought I put it where the soap usually goes… She put her palm to her forehead.

Norwood snapped on toothpaste color gloves. Pulled open a high cabinet.

Took down a black briefcase. Unlatched it.

Any girl with her body type facetiously listed as “used up” will fuck you. Any woman of Hispanic extraction will fuck you.

Any Asian woman of any body type besides “thin” will fuck you. In fact, any woman at all with a body type outside of “thin” or “fit” will fuck you.

When a girl makes eye contact and smiles I feel like a romance novel cover. When she does what this chick is doing I feel like a slug on her sidewalk after the rain.

An invertebrate. Not even.

I could never take you skydiving. Why do you have to take this thing we have and kill it.

Just let it have its time. Yes, you need to marry some dork.

The cicadas going. Looking at you perfect while you slept. Not believing how good the world was. You Can All Suck My Dick The neighbors upstairs have a kid.

Another on the way. The one, he’s maybe two now; he just stomps back and forth sixteen hours a day.

We’ll pick you up, he said. We’re gonna get beer. How? Does Ricky have a hardship license for that too- His brother’s home. Ricky’s brother was in the army.

His fiancée was pregnant. There was a joke that no one knew what the baby would look like.

City buses picked clean. Everything spraypainted with Fuck Piss Cunt .

Down a staircase cut in the hillside a giant concrete platform. Thick looking steel double doors in it, maybe forty feet long.

Yes, that’s stupid, she says. Obviously shit like “RIP” is out; “She’s Gone,” “She Died,” what the fuck.

I can’t use your name. I’m afraid your mom will read it.

They’d walked out of their buildings to head to their date at the same time. She had blue eyes and looked like a painting on a 1930’ s fruit crate.

They got drunk and talked shit at the Short Stop. Her choice of venue.

White girls are hard. It’s easier when you’re exotic to somebody .

To you I’m just every douche on your high school lacrosse team. And what a pain in the ass you are already. Your messages are nothing but “dance monkey dance.” Your profile is just one bit of banal self- aggrandizement after another.

But the coming home to someone: you’re fucked. Now and forever.

Your kid’s college fund money choppe d up into eighty bucks after tip until they pass some new sex trafficking law and then to the robots. Plus she’d bug the fuck out of you after 3 weeks.

This was what my squats were for. Deadlifts making the Taleb face.

Her ungodly Thai temple tits, her ungodly bikini body forced against me skin on skin at 12% body fat. An old black lady we walked by said that’s love.

All that matters. Also because I fucked that girl Sunday. OKCupid.

It was the morning after my AA fifth step. You take your diary of the evils you’ve done out of hatred and lust and fear and read it to someone.

Phone poles but no live wires. He dropped a stop sign across two downed cables to see if it would spark.

No light, no cracking sound. Just shrieking black winds, car alarms slowly drowning into dead battery moans.

It’s over between me and the fucking planet. I love you baby but don’t push me.

What holds people together anymore. All I can do is tell you take a fucking walk.

And he pronounced the T too hard as he reached out a hand from his hoodie pouch pocket. Kent was white. Maybe 45.

Maybe five foot ten. His hair was black with a stately amount of gray at the temples.

Tell the story again. My friend pulled me out of the house and she was alone in my room and my information is in the top drawer there.

It was her. I don’t know her name, just her nickname.

A little wren came. And then finch es with red faces, I don't know what they are.

Landing on the foxtail grass making it sway under their little weight. Throwing their heads back to swallow the seeds.

She was saying something about money and he was having a daydream about explaining his testicular torsion to the nurse at urgent care. He would say it was a girl.

But he wouldn’ t say he paid. Why didn’ t you stop her , she would ask.

I crashed into the back of a Salvadoran couple who were clearly uninjured but the guy started holding his back with the subtlety of the evil priest in the telenovelas they play at the laundromat. Motherfucker . Now I’m getting called into work on a Sunday .

Exactly like fucking Office Space . How did this happen.

Having me meet their rehab counselor so they can get checkout privileges and go smoke speed. I’m alive to not ruin my mother’s life with my suicide.

I’m alive to contribute to the tax base by working diligently until my body is broken. I shall take no wife, hold no lands, father no children.

Now you need fifth lead on General Hospital face. For a 2017 woman to not recoil with hate baked in her chromosomes.

Eight feet tall, planetcrushing cock, six trillion cash. You need a harem you keep pregnant to get a cocked eyebrow from a pig whocan do fifteen minutes off the cuff on the quirks of a Scorpio .

I make 120 grand and have 6 inches on every Mexican man. Still, they drunk drive and kill people.

Can’ t compete with that. Gangbangers and their uncle are plowing these girls since they’re 12 and they’re all SJW too. 33.

Waddled wildly until he could get if off. There looked to be a door under a rack where a naked man was wired to a car battery, shrieking.

He ran for it. Great Merciful God, it was unlocked.

Yeah of course, I’ll uh come out– did you have trouble finding the place? No. OK well thanks for coming– Well it was mandated by the government, she said. She wasn’ t bad looking. She smiled, and I remembered I wasn’ t either . ** I took her to the duck pond near my apartment.

They’d have given me someone who likes birds. I’d mentioned it 10 times in the form.

I was carrying a briefcase with my laptop in it. All around me were huge menacing black people.

A man jumped off a kid’s Huffy bicycle to punch another man in the face. The origin of the dispute was unclear.

Another thick Asian woman. Long braids.

Black guy. Pushing a baby stroller.

I hope so. It’d be an excuse for self pity and another example of how I’m invisible.

My life is Milton from Office Space. Muttering about how I was shunted into the roach basement. The other barista is back now, the guy who looks like the 20th hijacker, after a 15 minute absence.

His face was like a senator from Utah. He sounded like a commercial for paying to make sure your loved ones were taken care of after the unthinkable. You came up from LA? Said Kent. Yes, Sherman Oaks– sorry, I didn’t mean to– Not looking too good down there I bet. They’re raping people. How’s the infrastructure. What? The roads– They weren’t great to begin with.

Where did you come from– Calabasas. We got hit hard too, and they keep coming.

Trapped even now, lungs half crushed choking on smoke. Pinned in flaming rubble.

Can’t even scream, and if they did– who would come. Still. It felt like a snow day. They were in the car.

Even though she was his neighb or he met her on Tinder . They’d walked out of their buildings to head to their date at the same time.

She had blue eyes and looked like a painting on a 1930’ s fruit crate. They got drunk and talked shit at the Short Stop.

He acquiesced. Then he said a mean thing on the internet. She read it.

I don’t think it’s a good idea to see you anymore. Take care, she said, on Whatsapp.

Dad’ s money . I should say “Them” does not mean Jews. Don’ t let Episcopalians off the hook.

The heathen Chinese. Magic Johnson is Them.

Is it my rigid purple cock spraying a hot salty load on your Miss Clairol hair, because if so you are really reading my mind. I say nothing. Woman in purple yoga pants carrying a baby.

The pregnancy weight made her ass floppy . I want to spread the crack open.

Charles had got her a job. Their first date was the Echo Park duck pond.

The American coots had had babies; they frolicked and whistled. In winter there are hundreds of these.

Where do you make the dog food, I asked. I don’t know, he said.

The Midwest somewhere. 24 hours earlier I was suspended in the Tanon Strait next to a sea turtle. Warm sighing ocean over coral reefs. You could spend a year looking at one pufferfish.

Please take good care of her . Six months in she asked if he could see them build a life together . He said yes.

Do you think you can do that with the career you have, she said. With what you do. He felt like he’d been alone his whole life. Charles got him a job.

I guess so. He felt if she touched him she’d become unclean.

But can I get one? Yes, when? Now? She laughed again. You take a shower, in 30 minutes I come. ** When she put her palm on his neck to apply lavender he felt like he was dissolving.

We can’t believe this is happening. I have to imagine coming home from work and she’s there watching some stupid shit like Pretty Little Liars and she’s embarrassed that she got caught.

And I sit down for a second to laugh at the show in a mean way but end up getting engrossed and we spend all night like that on the couch together. I have to think about our kids and taking them back to the lake where I grew up and watching them swim, watching my dad watch my kids before he dies.

I promised the cute one I could get her into porn. This was so I could get a picture of her tits.

It’s been less than ten hours and I’ve masturbated to it five times. When you ran away from me I called you and called you. Of course, your phone wasn’t working.

I want to give some Tinder slut herpes; I want to kick a retarded baby and dump an old man out of a wheelchair into traffic. Anyway good m orning.Let’s Go Out for Coffee, She Says Well no.

There are day date guys who take girls to coffee and museums. Then there are night date guys girls drink with later.

Ain’t that a bitch. My sponsor is this document I am typing into. White page: I feel motherfucking squirrelly. Deep breath. Daytime went OK yesterday.

Woke up not hung over. Weird feeling, but good. Long commute.

You said: retard, you’ve seen this same finch fifteen thousand fucking times. It lives here. What can I say about her.

She was smart. She was funny.

You get on a roll and you get so much confidence going that the person who faithfully watches John Stossel and is ready to give you an earful of Do Not Call just gets hypnotized. You can’t fake this.

You can go in with the same meter and the same pitch and the same words but there is something they can smell on you if you’re not confident, if you’re afraid. If you need the three bucks they’ll snarl at you and slam the phone down.

Would have been great to have single girls there but let’s not go nuts. No one will ever put a woman in a social situation with me again.

I must milk internet fame and fuck girls who write me until I’m dead. I must keep posting, or mail bombs. My frien d’s into politics.

I also liked her gut. It wasn’ t doughy .

Wall of muscle behind it. What if someone appraised you this way. As long as she fucked me who cares. Anyway she gave me bedbugs.

MSNBC was on. Every ad for a drug.

When I turned 120 my pancreas didn’ t work the way it should, until I asked my doctor about Lumitra. Don’ t take Lumitra if you have a liver or kidneys. You may experience hemorrhaging.

I have a facebook message from this actress my brother fucked back East. She’s out here now.

Once every three months I look at her work on youtube. Jerk off to it and think: I should ask her out. I liked your story, she says. Thanks. I don’t agree with everything you write about but you’re more compassionate than you’d think. I try to be. I love your brother to death.

Take it to the park. Sit on the bleachers by the baseball diamond.

Eat in the sun watching starlings and squirrels. A celebration.

I was funny and smart too, and it was the first of many shit jobs where I’d find another funny and smart person and we’d kind of marvel at “what the fuck are you doing here.” I’d be bummed out when I showed up for a shift and Glenn wasn’t there. We had an imaginary ranking system for all the cooks– you start out as a Grill Knave, moved up to Grill Apprentice, Grill Soldier, Grill Master, Grill Wizard, Grill Lord.

The highest level was Grill God. Only one man had ever achieved it and he’d ascended into the Golden Arches and become a hamburger himself.

Her husband was rich. She must have enough to never work again.

Still, a man must pay . Don’ t you get it. An old Chinese woman backed into my car.

Nothing ever felt as good as that wind. W isconsin was 1800 miles. 2 0 5 2 When he could no longer walk she carried him.

They were on a broad salt plain, below sea level. Thick air so quiet you could hear one six legged white lizard scampering over the mineral crystals, 50 yards out. They’d come 200 miles.

His date had the kale salad. Yeah, I went to a couple Sex Addicts meetings once, she said.

Dear Lord, forget I complained. He fingerfucked her against a tree by Echo Park Lake. They went to her house.

I miss Chicken McNuggets. Quarter Pounders.

And he laughed. Like he’d just told his grandson a knock knock joke. That’s what I miss the least– you know, I used to work there. Oh really, said Kent, with what seemed like unnatural interest. Yeah, I was a “senior grill crew” member– I made the Quarter Pounders. Yes, and you trained the junior crew– That’s right, how did you know– a grill wizard yourself? Well I was an entrepreneur after the service, you know.

Tomorrow we get back on Tinder. Find another one.I Just Want to Eat Asian Ass Forever Mary.

Mary from AA.. She is 34 years old, she revealed.

You’re doing a great job keeping it clean. Thanks. It feels like an internal hemorrhoid. Are you sure? Well no, she says. Someone needs to look at it.

I can’t really get in there. Go to your primary care, get a referral to a surgeon.

I do what I do but I’d never hurt someone else. This is wonderful.

Perfect. Having this girl here who I meant to fuck, not fucking her. Just knowing her as a human being.

Even then you get sick of them all being Brazilian. Too few countries poor enough for horse fucking but rich enough for video.

Y ou have to confuse the the muscle.Slice of Life The toilet clogged this morning. When the landlady fixed my shower she also put some giant volume of something– concrete maybe– in the tank.

The one hot girl in the office. She made no small talk. Her heart not in it.

The CEO gave a speech, remotely. You may have read about merger talks.

The park is pure dirt. Cactuses are wilting.

But the crew has to come out. My higher power speaks.

I’ll get robocalls from whoever they sell the debt to deep into middle age. What are you gonna do. Look at it this way: a hundred years ago this shit would have killed me.

Now it’s just a bad week. That and a 50/50 shot at a permanent second shitpipe. Maybe I can fit a cigarette in it.The Wolf Witch They were laying in bed.

This is my fucking bike. Give it back and I won’t call the cops. I told El Chuco my plan.

Are you out of your fucking mind, he said. You’ll get stomped.

She was black, dark black. Tattoos.

I poppe d into consciousness out of blackness and my dick was pushing into her tight pussy and she was moaning. Eat your heart out, Quantum Leap. She had flaked on our date.

I love my job I love my school I am an artist I am “brainy” I am living my dreams. I am a yogini! I will whoop your ass at scrabble.

If one of you had hemorrhoids and wrote an essay about groaning in agony each morning squeezing out hot bloody shit nuggets I’d marry her. If one of you said I droppe d out of school and I work a shit job and I have to drink a pint of rotgut at the exact moment the sun goes down to keep my handsfrom shaking… where are you, lover.

A dude runs up to grab the one roommate’s fancy camera he uses to photograph birds and takes pictures. They got a bunch of coke left and they just keep doing this all night until they finally pass out. I bet the guys who fuck her pussy just blasted in her, no questions asked. And the whole time she is screaming her head off, even with a dick in her mouth, he’s fucking her asshole doggy style and she’s pushing her butt back, and my buddy, good looking dude, he’s fucked a lot of girls.

Never in my life, he tells me, has a girl loved dick like this. She’s an animal. Lucky night for him, she said. Anyway.

She fucked the bartender from Ostrich Farm her second night stayi ng with me. She made men pay for everything– rent food plane fare. I would have had to pay for her ticket to come visit me again.

She needed it to feel pretty . But she was perfect. She was a coke fiend who took every cock on the continent.

Even if you shut the blinds the magic hour light leaks through. A baby smiles at you in the checkout line.

Sees something in your eyes. It was not lost.Sunday in the Park Out at the duck pond.

Now: s tay out . The new songs were about him. Still, at midnight he sang.

At noon he stopped, exhausted. May came and he was growing thinner . May passed and June and the mates at the edge of his voice were less and finally none at all.

Tinder is down, at the exact moment when a pretty girl said hi to me. But her back is to me now.

And what the fuck would I say anyway. That’s some nice lasagna you have there in that tuppe rware.

To start hating Jews now would be apres - garde. 19. Get woman addicted to drugs 20.

Go to a therapi st, resolve my issues with the concept that I’m unworthy of love because I’m not rich. Not famous, not handsome.

They’d sing Grateful Dead songs then she’d get naked and he’d rub her back, her ass, her belly. She never did fuck him but one night she came over drunk and asked: why don’t you love me.

After that he knew he’d won. He moved on. In the old man’s picture she wore a white dress with the tops of her tits hanging out.

It’s romantic. Well yeah, but they also gang rape corpses. Look it up; it’s true. We walked around the pond holding hands.

There are no girls there anymore. It’s all families. 17 year old Mexicans and 45 year old whites walking with their 3 year old kids.

He said Bud was in my yard for years but never let me pet him. When you got fleas I gave you a bath myself because you’d have hated the groomer.

I didn’t want you to be scared. I’m sorry you were hurt and scared when you died, Bud. I moved your food bowl and I want to put it back. Closed the door and now you can’t come in.

His first ten dollars. He bought lumber .

Taught himself to build. Made a place he could be safe.