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int64
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What do you get when you cross a sheep stealer with royalty? Mutton Looter King
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An Indian redditor gets an arranged marriage. He turns to his partner and says: "Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!"
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What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? ..........Nothing you've already told her twice!
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I'd kill for a microwave that plays Europe's "The Final Countdown" during the last 30 seconds.
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Did you hear about the skeleton who didn't go to prom? He had no body to go with.
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What do you call it when a jugaloo sleeps with his girlfriend after a fight? Make up sex.
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How does a baboon make phone calls? He just monkeys around on the line!
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Kids are like farts. You don't mind your own, but others peoples are just unbearable
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Over the past year, my sexual fetishes have been slowly getting more perverse. But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I realised I'd hit rock bottom.
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I milked the cow "We don't have a cow" the neighbors' cow then "Their cat?" Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo "Meow" Ah shoot
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Dear Shirtless Guy in his Profile Pic, You REALLY want to impress girls? Get a job & pose in front of your cubicle.
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The IRA have been fighting for Irish reunification since the 70s. . . All they needed to do was vote for the Conservatives.
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How many Reddit admins does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they like to keep the mods in the dark.
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Why is Chapstick so popular? Cause it's the balm baby!
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What is the best advice to give a worm? Sleep late.
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If I was antisocial I wouldn't have just ordered a pizza over the phone.
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What's a sluts favourite drink? 7 Up in Cider
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Facebook buys Instagram for one billion?!? Idiots!! They could have downloaded it from the app store for .99 cents..
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I may not be getting laid tonight, but I'm definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.
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I want to make a series about the murder of an airline crew but I still have to shoot the pilot.
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My friend always wanted to work in animation, but never got past the interview He just couldn't understand the difference between a professional "colorist" and a professional "racist"
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[sees a zebra for the first time] What's up with that horse? [sees a giraffe for the first time] Okay, what the hell is going on today?
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so as I went in to vote this morning, an old lady told me to make sure I voted for the candidate that could make change. Boy, is my bank teller going to be surprised!
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You're so fat and unfunny... that the only punchlines you have are stained on your shirt.
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A kiss will make her day But anal will make her hole weak
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Glue is weird it's all like hey I want to stick these pieces of paper together wait I have an idea hand me that dead horse
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Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster? So we can think about a solution in silence
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Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I'm "the one," but isn't talking to a police officer.
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Some people say Glenn Frey got pneumonia from the cold... But that can't be true because he said the Heat is On.
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A duck walks up to a prostitute.... And says, "put it on my bill"
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What is the best part about having sex with 23 year olds? There's 20 of them. (Works better in person)
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My love for you is like a fart. Everything about it is powered by my heart.
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What did the Mexican gang member say when two large houses fell on him during an earthquake? Get off me, homes.
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"You're a unit of power Joe." "I'm a Watt?"
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I once bought an e. e. cummings poem collection.. It was the worst game of Mad Libs ever.
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Why is it that the more numbers someone has in their e-mail address, the less I respect them?
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What does the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator? Shut the door im dressing
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My bank account status is more scary than the Conjuring!
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If you ever need help learning C++, I can give you some pointers. And you can keep me as a reference.
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What have you done wrong if the wife keep complaining when you try to watch TV in the living room? You made the chain too long in the kitchen.
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A good rule of thumb is to never be in Liam Neeson's movie family.
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If you pour two beers in one glass, it's just one beer.
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Why was the baby ant so confused? Because all of his uncles were ants!
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Don't buy whitening toothpaste It says guaranteed whiteness in 14 days. 15 days have come and gone... and I am still asian.
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After the Thanksgiving dinner, everyone says (-1)/8
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Simba - "welcome to... The bone zone" Nala - "the what?" Simba - "elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard"
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How are doctors so well tempered even under heavy stress? They have a lot of patients
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I wonder if dog's had facebook, would they put our picture as their profile picture.
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Why are Native Americans the most successfull strippers? Because when they dance, they make it rain.
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My ex-girlfriend was a slut. She bust more nuts than a pistachio junkie. edit: Going through a potential breakup, so if you see this, this isnt about you, babe. Dont leave me, please.
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Why Did the Ebola Patient Cross the Road? Trick question. There are no roads in Africa.
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ME: Haha you can tell them any name and they have to say it BARISTA: I have a latte for "A Person Who Deserves Love"? ME [crying]: Hahaha
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Peter Pan escaped the adult world... ...by becoming an alcoholic. He goes by Peter the Panhandler now.
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How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard
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My Grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
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You just know I knew my girlfriend was furious when I blew my load early last night....I could see it in her eyes
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FOR SALE: Faulty Guitar. No strings attached.
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An atheist, a vegan, and a crossfit fanatic walk into a bar... Who talks more?
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How is light beer like having sex in a canoe? They're both fucking close to water.
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How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles. I'll see myself out.
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What do you get when you cross an insomniac, agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.
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261
262
What do you call a number that won't sit still? A roamin' numeral. :P
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262
263
Where do drinks go on vacation? Coaster Rica
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I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pissed at me. Not my fault they don't have Windows.
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I left Stephen Hawking like 8 voice mail messages before I realised he'd picked up every time.
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My terrible Joke but I never forget it. A dyslexic man walked into a bra....
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What type of school did Sherlock Holmes go to? Elementary :)
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Believe it or not, my wife and I were actually matched on Tinder. We'd been married for 12 years.
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I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he's crying in the corner.
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So a Trabi owner pulls up to a gas station... ...and says to the attendant: "Two windscreen wipers for my Trabi please." The attendant replies: "That sounds like a good deal!"
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How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb? None, because they'll just beat the room for being black!
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Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
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Why did the semen cross the road? Because I put on the wrong pair of socks this morning.
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What did nazi pilots eat for breakfast? Luftwaffles
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So a blind man walks into a bar He hurts himself pretty badly.
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If you're not one of the first five boys in the yard, you almost never get a milkshake.
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sometimes i visit websites that have videos of people making love
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Why aren't Tyler Perry movies for the light-hearted? They're dark comedies.
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Every woman I've ever been with only saw me the way they wanted to see me... ...in their rearview mirror.
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-7.40027055e-02 4.79571745e-02 9.01548862e-02 3.85439619e-02 -8.04781169e-02 7.51030818e-02 -2.64111185e-03 -1.27335526e-02 -1.50623083e-01 -2.52403449e-02 -8.74398742e-03 1.03158411e-02 -1.19872810e-02 1.68750212e-02 3.93757261e-02 8.41154426e-04 -3.13348062e-02 5.01227640e-02 -6.56367019e-02 2.04905495e-03 -3.24927992e-03 1.52552035e-02 -6.46405071e-02 -2.58640740e-02 1.22275807e-01 9.74519178e-02 1.24130033e-01 -4.81532104e-02 -2.70823874e-02 6.58049807e-02 -5.34938499e-02 -1.23338420e-02 1.89856510e-03 -5.61252534e-02 -2.38894136e-03 -1.45725682e-02 -1.49460519e-02 -4.74160016e-02 2.90312860e-02 -4.18853313e-02 -2.08209995e-02 8.06260109e-02 -2.20925026e-02 -2.14560200e-02 -3.08376979e-02 -2.96742786e-02 -6.96060732e-02 2.13856343e-02 -6.51312768e-02 -4.31408808e-02 1.23616219e-01 3.59516107e-02 1.72493979e-02 -1.42944595e-02 -3.17231548e-04 -2.07891818e-02 -4.98418733e-02 1.55683812e-02 -2.38400642e-02 -1.42675042e-02 -1.74852684e-02 1.23836175e-02 -1.03976522e-02 -2.66690439e-08 -9.01508555e-02 4.29623052e-02 7.88381044e-03 -4.29499801e-03 4.68289517e-02 1.45492714e-03 1.89021043e-02 1.43591482e-02 -1.25729397e-01 -6.34363070e-02 -2.62755137e-02 3.08789201e-02 7.37658888e-02 7.57194608e-02 2.03516334e-02 8.79566297e-02 -9.60594788e-03 -9.48603228e-02 -4.05695327e-02 1.77782178e-02 -2.01080255e-02 -6.07098415e-02 -5.93945831e-02 3.18025961e-03 2.85971211e-03 6.19669557e-02 -8.59133247e-03 8.36707558e-03 2.64120791e-02 4.79330420e-02 5.79554886e-02 -1.80548627e-03 8.41234066e-03 -5.14705330e-02 2.64209928e-03 1.77748501e-02 3.09767164e-02 -3.95168252e-02 4.95634973e-02 1.50897903e-02 -5.12803793e-02 -3.71679068e-02 4.83345278e-02 8.70648772e-02 -3.59930396e-02 1.89172127e-03 9.26503018e-02 -1.49271488e-02 -7.44445100e-02 4.32078242e-02 3.42216827e-02 -6.22501262e-02 1.88954361e-02 3.53989825e-02 -1.11108460e-03 6.85519306e-03 3.69678847e-02 -6.47504404e-02 -4.96143326e-02 6.06635958e-02 7.62867630e-02 8.48861877e-03 -6.29736185e-02 -6.75773397e-02]
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How do you tell the circumference of a pecan Pecan pi
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-4.23658788e-02 -2.74058990e-02 -2.83394046e-02 -1.11642949e-01 -9.24857408e-02 -6.14150520e-03 1.44534605e-02 6.18018620e-02 -5.17918393e-02 -5.25885969e-02 4.80677895e-02 6.78186119e-02 -6.37882873e-02 8.98603722e-02 -1.03119686e-01 5.89690059e-02 -6.72426447e-02 1.66541059e-02 -3.82336974e-02 4.93250974e-02 -8.95598717e-03 7.50080422e-02 6.77061528e-02 -3.11371945e-02 8.21715035e-03 -6.94412217e-02 6.53659850e-02 -2.71457422e-04 -1.21211380e-01 1.34231206e-02 -6.25337055e-03 1.14183780e-03 -3.61257568e-02 -8.99858698e-02 -1.76626034e-02 -3.34462896e-02 2.60706749e-02 -1.10803386e-02 3.03484499e-02 -7.85349533e-02 -6.94890022e-02 -1.79147869e-02 3.72044258e-02 6.85872883e-02 1.23133890e-01 2.93553099e-02 1.27356527e-02 -1.64589006e-03 -2.53680218e-02 1.06757529e-01 -4.57381085e-02 7.51106143e-02 -1.24332001e-02 -8.63429531e-02 1.11133471e-01 -2.95438617e-02 -2.13084612e-02 7.65346289e-02 -6.44637868e-02 6.18469715e-02 -5.39756306e-02 8.11381079e-03 -3.22977500e-03 -2.22114672e-33 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-2.20244452e-02 -1.49334148e-02 -1.09120190e-01 4.19982709e-02 4.50293534e-02 6.26799241e-02 -2.04972252e-02 2.32024584e-02 4.62112166e-02 1.57493502e-02 -3.88060212e-02 1.30488835e-02 -6.54372349e-02 1.11844920e-01 -2.80335732e-02 1.37834951e-01 -4.92371880e-02 2.58962214e-02 2.32492331e-02 -7.21277520e-02 -5.69008254e-02 -9.18057980e-04 7.79923126e-02 9.35283527e-02 -2.70235743e-02 -3.60870268e-04 2.62854863e-02 4.86579910e-02 -3.86824063e-03 2.34787427e-02 1.49063068e-02 -3.34422541e-34 -5.44038676e-02 -6.58066273e-02 1.22508794e-01 7.09536672e-02 -3.28897908e-02 -4.94062752e-02 1.31161045e-02 -6.43763272e-03 5.82849886e-03 -5.98063022e-02 -7.36775324e-02 6.99494686e-03 4.07547578e-02 -2.85457540e-02 5.73352873e-02 4.53897081e-02 -7.39716738e-02 5.53644076e-02 -3.72909047e-02 3.20895091e-02 -9.84617323e-02 1.75885409e-02 -6.74019626e-04 8.14289413e-03 3.06439474e-02 -1.58974919e-02 7.49486163e-02 -8.01623687e-02 -9.44537222e-02 -7.53773898e-02 -5.32212518e-02 -1.05456211e-01 -1.17633841e-04 9.46884602e-02 -7.34411329e-02 -2.68760845e-02 -1.37841646e-02 -2.29788814e-02 2.66557820e-02 7.90805742e-02 2.87852269e-02 -1.29321124e-02 -6.05920097e-03 -3.55027243e-02 -1.74289364e-02 7.37483846e-03 1.84143513e-01 3.52419913e-02 1.75053568e-03 8.57586637e-02 3.77331860e-02 2.66119521e-02 -1.29616847e-02 -1.75651312e-02 5.02070822e-02 2.23547667e-02 -2.65915953e-02 6.08340837e-02 -3.32282819e-02 -1.05629582e-02 -2.55324133e-02 -2.38827616e-02 -3.87703590e-02 -2.67244522e-02 1.00000380e-02 4.23332602e-02 9.09644121e-04 5.13462313e-02 -4.29000780e-02 5.66315129e-02 1.16918888e-02 1.03158541e-01 -7.24734887e-02 -3.26058194e-02 9.89679620e-03 3.12800221e-02 2.53894757e-02 -1.63075980e-02 -7.01975077e-02 -5.60242776e-03 -4.13148999e-02 -3.04325689e-02 -1.58794168e-02 -9.52093024e-03 1.13097737e-02 4.72672507e-02 -1.22654373e-02 -4.12820689e-02 -6.95113540e-02 4.93913256e-02 -5.57966270e-02 2.53315140e-02 -3.52397710e-02 -2.64220163e-02 1.50259929e-02 -1.67293450e-08 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How do you figure out which contestant in a Ms. America pageant is a prostitute? Look for the one with the sash that says "I da ho".
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Ethiopian Cuisine... is a bit bland. It tastes like nothing.
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I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What's not to like?
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[Google search history] Moles How to kill moles How to make homemade bombs Rescue moles from cave-in Dealing with regret Mole stew
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A guy walks into a bar... Ouch.
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-3.14228311e-02]
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Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets. And then it hit me.
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When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
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[Ouija board] Spirits are you there? U R C U T E D O Y O U H A V E K I K *flips board*
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Not being able to read because your book ran out of batteries is a pretty hilarious first-world problem.
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My internet connection on my farm was be terrible until I moved the router in the horse barn. Now I have stable WiFi.
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Putting captions in the wrong place You know what I hate the most...?
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What does a sheep call a film it doesn't like? a baaahhhd movie. ( )
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An irishman walks out of a bar...
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Brexit There is a new slimming product in town. It is called Brexit. It'll help you lose a lot of pounds.
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Orange Julius is the third best thing to happen to oranges behind mimosas and the "orange you glad I didn't say banana" knock knock joke
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What is a bear's favourite drink ? Koka-Koala !
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Why do golfers wear 2 pairs of pants? Incase he gets a hole in one
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How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles? Nail its other hand to the floor.
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What is the favorite food joint of dubstep makers? Sub-WUB-WUB-WUB-way
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Two fish are in a tank... One is driving, and the other is manning the guns.
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