Datasets:

shuttie

/

dadjokes

like 6

You'll never have a more reliable friend than a calculator

You can always count on them

I just had to breakup with my cross eyed girlfriend

She was seeing other people

If you are attacking clowns

Go for the juggler

Dad: You look cold, son

Try standing in the corner They are usually around 90 degrees

Why did the cowboy get a dachshund

Someone told him to get a long little doggie

Just got my roommate. She said I don't know how to spell in spanish to herself mostly, but loud enough for me to say Well you start with. I-N then follow with. S-P-A-N-I-S-H . Now

I'm a target for a hit squad.

You know when you see birds flying together in a “V” shape there’s always one side of the V that’s longer. Do you know why that is

There’s more birds on that side

The shoebox We were picking out photos for our uncles funeral, and my aunt was bringing in boxes of pictures. My brother looks up and says, Wow. Are those all pictures, even the shoebox. My dad looks up from his laptop and replies with: No. The shoebox is just a shoebox

There are pictures inside of it though

Rick. Astley. Will. Lend. You. Any. Pixar. Movie. But he's. Never. Gonna. Give. You

Up.

What do you call a cow with no legs

Ground Beef

A three legged dog from the wild west walks into a bar and looks around The bar tender looks a him and says who are you looking for

to which the dog replies I'm looking for the guy who shot my paw

Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees

Because they're very good at it

Got the GF while camping this weekend She was complaining about our lack of firewood despite having gathered some not too long ago

I hit her with Yea we really are burning through it and got booed out of the tent

What do sea monsters eat for dinner

Fish and ships

I asked my wife what smelled so good in the kitchen. As I was grabbing a plate, she said, It's nacho casserole. I hung the plate behind my side and lamented, If it's not my casserole, what am I supposed to eat. She started to tell me to eat some of the casserole, but stopped and rolled her eyes at me

I frickin got'er good, fellas

A quick knock knock joke Me: Knock knock Reddit: Who's there. Me: Wu Reddit: Wu, who

Me: Woohoo, it's my blue triangle day

I can't seem to grow oats or barley, or spelt in the mountains where I live. I guess it's true what they say

No plains no grains

What is your favorite dad joke. My personal favorite is: Hey did you hear about the guy who got his whole left side cut off. Oh, don't worry. He's all right now. It lets you add a lot of different flare, especially if you're looking at your phone and you make it sound like a news story or something. So what's your favorite dad joke. EDIT: Thank you everyone, I've gotten a good chuckle out of all of these. It's been a rough couple of days, but these all cheered me up. I'm going to be recycling them. My girlfriend eyes are gonna be rolling overtime tonight

I'd feel sorry, but my girlfriend probably doesn't want me feeling anyone but her

Mum [to dog]:. Hey handsome. Dad \[from kitchen\]:

Yeah?

The last 4 letters of “queue” aren’t silent

They’re waiting for their turn

Why did the two punsters get a divorce

I reckon syllable differences

Why are 15 year olds weird

Because 15 is an odd year

It's lucky to be me I bought 20 bees at the pet store but they put an extra one in the bag

They said keep it, it's a freebie

What do you call it when boss man on a movie-set farts loud and long

Extended release, director's cut

Dating as a trash collector is hard. Whenever

I say I wanna take you out they always get insulted

Why was the Lego man sick

He had a BLOCKED NOSE

My friend used to circumsise people for a living. I said: that can't pay too well , and he responded the salary isn't amazing

But I get to keep the tips

I put a piece of wood in my garage and came back the next day and there were two pieces. The day after 4 and the day after that 8

It was multi-ply wood

Why was Hitler blind to the fact that German defeat was inevitable

Because he was a not-see

What do fish stress about the most

Current events

A. Texan and a. Mexican walk into a bar and order a beer. Bartender to the the. Texan:. That will be $5. Bartender to the. Mexican:. That will be $3. The. Texan, upset, asks why the same beer cost less for the. Mexican. The. Bartender replies, Señor

Discount

What do you call a dog that can do magic

A Labracadabrador

What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones

A barkeologist

My wife and I drove past a store called Sav Mor I said to her, That sounds too hard

I'd prefer to save more with ease

Why should you never touch an electric fence

Because it hertz.

Kim Kardashian says that bees frighten her

I bet the rest of the alphabet does too

Two beetles run into each other in a week old baguette One says to the other, 'I thought I was the only beetle around these parts. Where are you from. ' The other responds, 'Who, me

I was born in bread right here

So my Dad an I went to a drag race yesterday After the race he said Well that was pretty straight forward

EDIT:Well, at least this wasn't a drag of a thread

Dadjoked while watching The Last Stand My dad and I were watching The Last Stand which features a scene where two cars are driving through a cornfield and ears of corn are piling up on the windshields

So during this scene my dad says, I liked this movie but it just got really corny

What’s the deal with the perpetually sad man whose time machine broke after it landed him in the Grand Canyon in 1936

He was stuck in a great depression

LPT: A quick and easy way to make money is to take pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes

It’s like shooting fish in apparel

What do hospital gowns and insurance have in common

You think you're covered, but, you're not

Why can’t some car tires perform

They’re under too much pressure

How did. Jesus pay for our sins

He used praypal

What are Mario's dungerees made from

Den-im Den-im Den-im

I cut my fingers off cutting cheese. I think

I have grater problems

To the guy that keeps hacking my. Reddit account,. I will find you, and. I will kill you

Edit : no u wont

Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear

you can hear the OSHA

I was digging in our garden when. I found a chest full of gold coins and was about to run straight home to tell my wife. Then. I remembered why

I was digging the hole in the first place.

Did you hear about the match theif

He strikes again

I buy my guns from a T-Rex

He's a small arms dealer

My teacher is a dad. Me: Sir did you have a haircut. **Teacher:** No, actually, I had several hairs cut

Cue hysterical laughter, groans and chuckles from the class

Did you know that ancient Greeks would shave their heads before the Olympics to run faster

Modern historians call it balderdash

My friends grandfather asked Me if I wanted to see a picture of his pride and joy When I said yes he pulled a picture of the cleaning products pride and joy

The man carries these pictures in his wallet at all times

A guy walks into his therapist's office naked, except for some saran wrap around his middle

The shrink looks up at the guy and says Well, I can clearly see your nuts

How do employees of a Middle Eastern grocery store answer the phone

Halal

Perfect Eyesight Dad: Wow, it's already 2014. Heck, in six years, everybody will have perfect eyesight. Me: Why's that

Dad: It'll be 2020

You'll never hear a. Psychiatrist urinate

The pee is silent

How do skeletons get high

They use marrow-juana

A magician was walking down the street when all of a sudden he turned into

A grocery store

Why does a chicken coop have two doors

Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan

My friend with a cocaine addiction recently quit

It was the end of the line for him

How do you catch a drummer

You put out a snare

What do you call real bacon

Genuswine

It’s only a murder of crows

If there’s probable caws

What do you call seagulls that fly over a bay

Bagels

Despite modern trends, my wife, Christine, took my name when we were married

I'm still getting used to calling her David

I told my dad he should go see an optometrist

He told me that he doesn't see himself going to one

Dadjoked the girlfriend twice in the past day She's from Michigan and she said I really miss Michigan so I replied would you say you. Missigan to which she punched my arm Today I told her that I bought a new shirt and she said I wanna see

so I replied I didn't know you were blind and she made this face :l while I cracked up

What do you call an artistic piece of furniture

A drawer

My dad's arsenal of DadJokes. If someone asks him if he is alright: No, I'm half left too. ___________________ At a restaurant: Server: Hi, My name is Julie, I'll be taking care of you today Dad: Hi, My name is Cane-Dewey's Dad, I'll be sitting here today ___________________ Someone asks him: How are you. Dad: If I was any better, I'd be twins. ___________________ And that's about it. That's his arsenal

I've heard these a million times at this point, and they are just now starting to get funny

How long did Cain beat his brother

As long as he was Abel

I went to 3 different stores trying to find some paper towels

I guess you could call me a Bounty hunter

Why couldn’t the duck cross the road

Because he got his foot stuck in a quack

Indiana. Jones is afraid of snakes

I guess he suffers from a reptile dysfunction.

I used to be a youth offender

Until they revoked my teaching license

Where am I gonna be in 2 years. I don’t know

I don’t have 2020 vision

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you

You have my Word

What do you call an owl magician

Hoodini

What do you call a clown who likes to save money

Pennywise

What's the coolest band in the world

Arctic monkey's

I lost my mood ring yesterday. I’m not sure how

I feel about it

I had a blacksmith make me a fake

ID today it was a forgery.

I think my wife is changing my son’s diaper too often

The box says they are good for up to 14 pounds

Apparently “Game. Of. Thrones” made a cereal. They call it. Raisin

Bran.

Dad found alive after seven seconds lost in the himalayas. Peak

Kaboo

My girlfriend really got me with this one

A restraining order

If I have heard it once I have heard it 1000 times. Dad's best friend: Train just came through here Me: How do you know. Dad's best friend: I can still see the tracks

*insert groan here*

I made salmon for dinner last night. Girlfriend: I can't eat this it tastes funny. Me: Are you sure. I'm certain the label said salmon and not clown fish

*Cue groans and eye rolling*

Got my Fiance, Can't wait to be a father. While discussing where we want to honeymoon she says: Fiance: I just want to go somewhere with a body of water

Me: Well lucky for you, I'm 60% water

I was trying to make pancake batter… …but I couldn't find any whisks. I had just recently moved into a new house with my room mate and I wasn't sure what utensils we had between the two of us. I texted her and asked, Do we have any whisks here

Or is that just whiskful thinking

While watching Criminal Minds. Me and my dad were watching Criminal Minds, and it showed a woman talking on her cell phone, and she got shot in the head and the bullet went through the phone

And my dad said wow he really called the shot

Why don’t ghosts run races

Because they always come dead last

My boyfriend's response to the TheRockxSiri commercial. Boyfriend: So how many kids does The Rock have. Me: Two. B: Both daughters, or is one a son. M: Both daughters. B: He should have another kid so that he can have a boy and take a family photo, where it's the boy, his two daughters, and then him standing on the end. 'Cause you know what he'd be then. M: What. B: Third Rock from the son

He's sleeping outside tonight

A rancher with only 95 cattle managed to get 100 into the pen

All he had to do was round them up

Pianos. I told my sister I'm about to go on vacation to learn piano. She asked if I could afford it, and I said no. But don't worry, I'll be Bach. She didn't get it

:\

My dad, at MIA, looking at early jade artwork

The artist must have been very jaded

What did the sweet potato philosopher say

I think, therefore I yam

My dad is into fitness. One thing I heard a lot growing up was steaks and shakes. You wanna get big

Steaks and shakes which has inspired me to work on a movie with a similar title Its about a vampire hunter with Parkinsons I'll call it Stakes and Shakes

How does a Bull Frog say farewell

Ribbeye