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ELAINE | Hey, did your father ever get that hair weave? | JERRY | No, no. Still doin the big sweep across. |
ELAINE | Why does he do that? | JERRY | Doesnt think anyone can tell. So cmon, do we have a deal? |
ELAINE | A wedding? | JERRY | Theres a lot of people to mock... |
ELAINE | All right, what the hell. | JERRY | Great! |
ELAINE | Cmon lets go... | JERRY | Was I supposed to bring something? |
ELAINE | You could have. | JERRY | I met her one time... |
ELAINE | It is not necessary. | JERRY | What did you say then? |
PAMELA | (shakes Jerry's hand) Yes, we met. | JERRY | Hi, happy birthday. |
GUESTS, JERRY & ELAINE | Hi | JERRY | I didnt bring anything. |
PAMELA | Uh, I put you two right here. | JERRY | Oh, Okay (turns to rest of table) Im sorry, I didnt know what to bring, nobody told me. |
VANESSA | How big a tip do you think itd take to get him to stop? | JERRY | Im in for five... |
VANESSA | Ill supply the hat. | JERRY | (thinking) Uh-oh... What do we have here? |
VANESSA | Why dont you relax and take your jacket off? | JERRY | Oh, I cant. Uh, I have a tendency to get chilly. |
VANESSA | How masculine. | JERRY | Plus Im wearing short sleeves, I dont want to expose my tattoos. (Vanessa smiles; thinking) Shes unbelievable! |
VANESSA | Oh, you know Bricker! From where? | JERRY | (thinking) Whats going on here? Gotta be her boyfriend, shes too good to be alone. Whats the difference, I cant maneouver anyway with Elaine next to me. |
VANESSA | (to Jerry) How do you know Pamela? | JERRY | Uh, friend of a friend. And you? |
ELAINE | (interrupting Jerry's conversation) Oh, Jerry! | JERRY | (turning to Elaine; thinking) Oh no, not now. |
ELAINE | I had this dream last night and you were in it. | JERRY | Oh really? (tries turning away in the hopes Elaine gets the hint; thinking) Oh God, I gotta get out of this. |
ELAINE | You were you, but, you werent you... | JERRY | No kidding. (thinking) Why is this happening? Please, make her stop! |
ELAINE | I think, I think we were in my house where I grew up, and you were standing there, you were looking out the window... | JERRY | (thinking) This is brutal. |
ELAINE | You turned around and you had these wooden teeth. | JERRY | How do you like that? (tries to turn away again; thinking)Can I turn now? Is this over? No, I cant, I cant. Im stuck. |
ELAINE | (noticing Jerry not wanting to listen; annoyed) Jerry? Are you listening to me? | JERRY | Yes, I heard you. |
PAMELA | Elaine, whats the name of that jewelry store you took me to that time? | JERRY | (thinking) Thank you, Pamela! (turns to talk to Vanessa; to Vanessa) So, youre a lawyer... |
VANESSA | Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. | JERRY | (thinking) Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft... (to Vanessa) Of course, they handled my tattoo removal lawsuit. |
VANESSA | Oh, that was you? | JERRY | Imagine, spelling Mom with two Os. |
VANESSA | Very funny! What do you do? | JERRY | Comedian. |
VANESSA | Really? That explains it. | JERRY | (thinking; quickly) Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. |
VANESSA | We gotta run. Happy birthday! | JERRY | (thinking) I cant believe it. I got nothing! I dont even know her name! Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppen... Sagman... Sag... |
ELAINE | Yknow, um, you could use a little work on your manners. | JERRY | Why? What did I do? |
ELAINE | Wel-Well, I just dont appreciate these little courtesy responses, like Im selling you aluminum siding. | JERRY | I was listening! |
ELAINE | No! You couldnt wait to get back to your little... conversation. | JERRY | No, you were talking about the, the um, the dream you had. |
ELAINE | Uh-huh... | JERRY | Where you had, uh, wooden teeth. |
ELAINE | No! No! You had wooden teeth! You had wooden teeth! I didnt have wooden teeth, you did! | JERRY | All right, so I had wooden teeth, so what? |
ELAINE | So nothing! Nothing. (annoyed sigh) | JERRY | Apparently Plato, who came up with the concept of the platonic relationship, was pretty excited about it. He named it after himself. He said, Yeah, I got this new thing Platonic. My idea, my name, callin it after myself. What I do is, I go out with the girls, I talk with them- dont do anything, and go right home. Whatd you think? I think its going to be big! I bet you there were other guys in history that tried to get relationships named after them, but it didnt work. Yknow, I bet you there were guys who tried to do it, just went, Uh, Hi, uh my names Rico. Would you like to go to bed immediately? Hey, its a Riconic relationship. |
MORTY | Ah, there he is! | JERRY | This is what I like, see? You come home and your parents are in your bed! |
HELEN | Yknow, Jerry, we dont have to do this. | JERRY | What are you talkin about? Its fine, I love having you here. |
HELEN | Tomorrow well go to a hotel. | JERRY | Ma, will you stop? |
HELEN | No, why should we take over your apartment? | JERRY | I dont care. Im sleeping next door. |
HELEN | Your friend Kramer doesnt mind? | JERRY | No, hes making a bouillabaisse. |
MORTY | Depends on the firm. | JERRY | Yeah, but if you called up and described someone, do you think they would know who it was? |
MORTY | Whats the matter? You need a lawyer? | JERRY | No, I met someone at this party, and I know where she works, but I dont know her name. |
MORTY | So why dont you ask someone who was at the party? | JERRY | Nah, the only one I could ask is Elaine, and I cant ask her. |
HELEN | Why not? | JERRY | Because its complicated. Theres some tension there. |
HELEN | Oh yeah, very alert. Warm person. | JERRY | Oh yeah, shes great. |
HELEN | So, how come nothing materialized there? | JERRY | Well, its a tough thing to talk about uh. I dunno... |
HELEN | I know what it was. | JERRY | You dont know what it was. |
HELEN | So, what was it? | JERRY | Well, we fight a lot for some reason. |
HELEN & MORTY | Oh, well... | JERRY | And there was a little problem with the physical chemistry. |
HELEN | Well, I think shes a very attractive girl. | JERRY | Oh, she is, she absolutely is. |
HELEN | I can see if there was a weight problem... | JERRY | No, its not that. It wasnt all one-sided. |
HELEN | You know, you cant be so particular. Nobodys perfect. | JERRY | I know, I know... |
HELEN | (hits Morty) Idiot. (to Jerry) So whore you looking for, Sophia Loren? | JERRY | Thats got nothin to do with it. |
HELEN | I like Elaine more than Loni Anderson. | JERRY | What are you two talking about? Look, Elaine just wasnt the one. |
HELEN | And this other ones the one? | JERRY | I dunno, maybe... |
MORTY | So ask Elaine there for her number. | JERRY | I cant. Shell get upset. I never talk about other women with her, especially this one tonight. |
HELEN | How could you still see her if your not interested? | JERRY | Were friends. |
MORTY | Doesnt sound like youre friends to me. If you were friends you'd-youd ask her for the number. Do you know where this other one works? | JERRY | Oh yeah. |
MORTY | Go to the building. She goes out to lunch, doesnt she? | JERRY | I guess. |
MORTY | So, you stand in the lobby, by the elevator, and wait for her to come down for lunch. | JERRY | You mean stakeout the lobby? |
MORTY | He pretends he bumped into her! | JERRY | Yknow what? This is not that bad an idea. |
GEORGE | What does she look like? | JERRY | I dunno. Hard to say. |
GEORGE | What actress does she remind you of? | JERRY | Loni Anderson. |
GEORGE | Loni Anderson?! | JERRY | What, theres something wrong with Loni Anderson? (pause) Hey listen, thanks again for running over here. I appreciate it. |
GEORGE | Yeah, sure. I was showing a condo on 48th street. Besides, you think I wanna miss this? (chuckles) | JERRY | Im a little nervous. |
GEORGE | Yeah, me too... | JERRY | If I see her, what do I say that Im doing here in the building? |
GEORGE | You came to see me. I work in the building. | JERRY | What do you do? |
GEORGE | Im an architect. | JERRY | Youre an architect? |
GEORGE | Im not? | JERRY | I dont see architecture comin from you. |
GEORGE | (somewhat annoyed) I suppose you could be an architect. | JERRY | I never said that I was the architect. Just somethin else. |
GEORGE | All right, shes not even gonna ask, if we see her, which is remote. | JERRY | Well whaddaya want me to say, that I just wandered in here? |
GEORGE | Were having lunch with a friend. He works in the building. | JERRY | What is his name? |
GEORGE | Bert... Har... bin... son. Bert Har-bin-son. | JERRY | Bert Harbinson? It sounds made up. |
GEORGE | No good? All right, uh how about Art... Cor..... | JERRY | Art Cor... |
GEORGE | ...velay. | JERRY | Corvelay? |
GEORGE | Yeah, right. | JERRY | Well, what does he do? |
GEORGE | Hes an importer. | JERRY | Just imports, no exports? |
GEORGE | (annoyed) Hes an importer/exporter, okay? (beat) Elaine ever call you back? | JERRY | No, I guess shes still mad. |
GEORGE | I dont understand, you never talk to her about other women? | JERRY | Never. (The elevator door opens.) Wait a second. Thats her. On the right. |
GEORGE | (anxious) I forgot who I am! Who am I?! | JERRY | Youre you. Were having lunch with Art Corvelay. |
GEORGE | Vandelay! | JERRY | Corvelay! |
GEORGE | Let me be the architect! I can do it! | JERRY | Hey, hey. uh Pamelas birthday party, didnt I see you there? Jerry. |
VANESSA | Sure! Hi! | JERRY | Uh, this is George. (reaches for her name) Im sorry... |
GEORGE | Nice to meet you. | JERRY | Ah, Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. |
VANESSA | Thats right! Yea, whatre you doing here? | JERRY | Oh, were meeting a friend of ours for lunch. He works here in the building. |
GEORGE | ...And exporter. | JERRY | Hes an importer/exporter. |
GEORGE | They can... | JERRY | Yknow Im sorry you had to leave so early the other night. |
VANESSA | Oh, me too. My cousin had to go back to Boston. | JERRY | Oh, that guy was your cousin! (walking in front of George so he gets the picture to leave) |
VANESSA | Yeah, and that woman was your... | JERRY | Friend! |
GEORGE | Ill just, uh, get a paper... | JERRY | So, um, do you date uh immature men? |
HELEN | Bum bum bum bum... I have no letters... Bum bum bum bum... | JERRY | (annoyed) Ma, will you go already? |
HELEN | Bum bum bum bum... | JERRY | What are you doing?! |
HELEN | Wait, I just want to see something. | JERRY | You cant look in there, were playing! |
KRAMER | Hi. | JERRY | Hi. |
KRAMER | Hey Morty! (to Jerry) Salad dressing? | JERRY | Look. |
HELEN | Quo. Is that a word? | JERRY | Maybe! |
HELEN | Will you challenge it? | JERRY | Ma, you cant look up words in the dictionary! (to Morty) Dad, shes cheating! |
HELEN | (to Jerry) Youre such a stickler... | JERRY | Well put something down, youre taking twenty minutes on this. So is Uncle Mac and Artie, theyre all coming over here before the wedding? |
HELEN | Theyll be here at two oclock. Oh, Elaine called. She said shed be here at two-thirty. And she says Hope your meeting went well with Art Vandelay? | JERRY | She said what? |
HELEN | Just what I said, here. | JERRY | She knows! Oh, I am such a jackass. |
HELEN | She knows what? | JERRY | She knows the whole stupid thing. Vanessa and the elevator... |