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Republicans Building Gun Range Inside Capitol Building After sweeping the midterm elections, Republican Mitch McConnell of Kentucky announced today the construction of a 2,000-square-foot gun range in the basement of the Capitol building in Washington, D.C. In a speech to the National Rifle Association this morning, the next Senate majority leader told the crowd that the new project -- which will cost taxpayers $37 million -- will help secure America's Second Amendment rights. “I'm proud to announce we have broke ground on our new gun range,” he said. “The people wanted it and now it's going to happen.” “We'll be able to shoot off some rounds to let go of some stress,” he added, “and we’ll be opening it to the American people, so that everyday citizens can fire deadly weapons inside the halls of our democracy, just like the founders intended.” The two underground stories will hold 80 gun shooting lanes, complete with automatic targets and soundproof walls. Any member of Congress can bring his or her own gun or rent one of the NRA-donated weapons. The massive space will also include a cigar bar, massage lounge, and a spa. “We've spent a lot of time designing and planning this gun range,” McConnell continued. “Dreaming of construction has been our biggest focus since the last elections.” A reporter asked McConnell if this non-political project was worth their time, to which he replied, “It will be a great place for the boys to get work done. It's like golf but we get to shoot stuff.” McConnell won by over 16 percent against Democratic challenger Alison Lundergan Grimes. After a hard-fought victory, it appears he is ready to relax and enjoy the spoils of office. “We have worked very hard to beat the Democrats in these elections so it's something we definitely deserve,” he said. “The American people should be proud and even prouder when the gun range is up and firing. The public can sleep well at home knowing we are practicing our hundred and fifty foot shot and hitting bulls-eyes.” Former President Nixon built a bowling alley in the White House and it “worked out pretty good for him,” McConnell noted. Construction has already broke ground and is estimated to be finished in time for the new congressmen to take the oath of office. Renowned gun range architect Art Vandelay designed the facility and a Halliburton subsidiary is doing construction. “That's how fast this Republican Congress will move,” McConnell said. “We hope to hear from President Obama every once in a while.” Asked if President Obama will be invited to the opening ceremony for the new state of art gun range, McConnell joked, “If Obama comes down here, he'll require extra secret service.” Obama was asked by reporters on what he thought about the gun range, to which he replied, “I lowered unemployment, the stock market is soaring to record heights, and health care is now affordable to all. And how did the American people reward me? With a gun range in the basement of the Capitol building.”

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Simon Cowell announces plans for One Direction ballet Simon Cowell has unveiled his latest plan to bastardise the arts with the announcement of a One Direction ballet. Following the success of the One Direction film, which contains behind the scenes footage since they were manufactured by Cowell, the X Factor creator has decided further cash can be extracted from the followers of the band. Media Analyst Jake Williams told us, “What we’ve seen with the One Direction film is that teenage girls will spend money on anything, even 90 minutes of footage that looks like it was shot with a potato – if it has One Direction on it.” “And what’s better than getting them to spend ten pounds on a ticket? Getting them to spend fifty pounds on a ticket.  So ballet is the logical next step.” “Men in tights dancing to that song they did, or the other song they did, will be coming to a theatre near you soon.” Cowell was asked by reporters about his plans for the ballet, and why he decided to make one. He said, “I suppose you’re looking for something more than ‘because I can’?” “Well tough.”

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Planet strongly suggesting Florida reclassify drunk driving a capital offence The United States’ eagerness to kill people who break the law suddenly seems perfectly reasonable according to people learning of the arrest of Justin Bieber today. Bieber was arrested after taking part in an illegal drag race after drinking alcohol and smoking Marijuana – a crime many are now equating to murder and felony drug-trafficking. Music fan Simon Williams told us, “I’ve been a staunch opponent of capital punishment in the United States for as long as I can remember, but then you have to look at how heinous a crime drag racing actually is.” “If you really think about it, it’s up there with rape and child molestation. And they did catch Justin Bieber absolutely red-handed, didn’t they?” “It’s not like there could be a miscarriage of justice here, is there?  I mean he was driving, racing in fact, after drinking and taking drugs. It seems pretty clear-cut to me.” “I think as long as they don’t have any fourteen year old girls on the jury they’d find him guilty in no time.” “They should make sure it’s a capital crime then just electrocute him and everyone can move on with their lives safe in the knowledge justice has been done.” Legal experts have said reclassifying a crime could take state and federal intervention, but that early indications are that it was an extremely popular move. As one lawyer explained, “The decision to make drag racing punishable by death would be a vote winner not just in Florida, but could lead to the white house for anyone that implements it.” “Plus they’d be the most popular American around the world in decades.”

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Prison population queuing up to be Max Clifford’s first ‘kiss and tell’ As Max Clifford was found guilty of indecent assault, members of the British prison population have excitedly declared their interest in becoming the first ‘kiss-and-tell’ of the publicist’s impending incarceration. Clifford, who single handedly turned talentless morons and guilty parties into household names, is due to be sentenced for his crimes on Friday. Convicted armed robber, Frank Murphy expressed his elation at the prospect of exchanging a manly fumble at Her Majesty’s behest for a huge paycheck under the guise of ‘news’. “Mr Clifford says he has nothing to hide – and if the rumours about the size of his penis are anything to go by – he would appear to be telling the truth,” he told us. “The thought of him bedding down for the evening beneath a cheap nylon blanket on a rock hard pillow doesn’t just fill the general public with a warm feeling – that extends to us cons too.” “To think that for the kind of invasion of privacy that he sought to exploit through his media interests could now be replicated by a troupe of hulking criminals for a large pot of honestly earned money, well.” “Let’s just say there are lots of fags being exchanged for vaseline as we speak.” Max Clifford guilty A lawyer for Mr Clifford declared his client as ambivalent to a spell behind bars. “Releasing a kiss-and-tell involving himself would however be uncharted territory.” “What?” “Oh no – he’s never done a ‘fist-and-tell’ before.”

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Non-celebrities to disappear ‘within decade’ The world’s supply of non-celebrities will be exhausted within the next ten years unless drastic action is taken, according to reports this morning. The report, published by the Media Studies department of a respected London college, claims that celebrities are being created at such an alarming rate that they will eventually engulf the planet. Project leader, Tristan Smythe-Jenkins, is convinced that the tipping point is just around the corner. “In the old days,” he told reporters, “only a small number of celebrity vehicles existed. Programmes like ‘New Faces’ produced some noxious by-products, like Barrymore and the Chuckle Brothers, but the majority of participants quickly returned to their original state of anonymity.” “These days, although the celebrities produced are of an even lower grade than before, TV and the Internet have so created so many ways to present their dross that they never truly disappear.” “We call it the ‘Green Room Effect’, whereby they just hang around until someone pays them attention.” “Meanwhile, an endless stream of reality shows releases new celebrities into the airwaves every single day, depleting resources of unknown people even further – to the point we’re talking ‘endangered’.” “The irony is that if we tried to protect the non-celebrities, maybe in a zoo of some kind, we’d inadvertently make them famous. There is no escaping the inevitability of it all.” But it isn’t only the number of vehicles that’s causing the problem, with Smythe-Jenkins also concerned about the ease with which a total nobody can become famous. “It used to be incredibly difficult to acquire celebrity status, but not anymore.” “Take this year’s ‘Celebrity Big Brother’ for example. The bar has been lowered so much that qualification is possible just by knowing someone who has been on TV.” “Before long, simply being caught on a Dixons security camera will be enough to secure a series on ITV2.” “On top of everything else, developing countries are demanding the same cheap and dirty entertainment as the West.” “Even though they number in the billions, without any regulation they’ll burn through their supply of non-celebrities in just a few seasons of ‘China’s Got Talent’.” “And by then it’ll be too late.”

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Entire Breaking Bad series revealed as elaborate ‘intervention’ by Jesse’s parents As Breaking Bad ended in the US, viewers were shocked to learn all five series were an elaborate set of staged scenes designed to wean protagonist Jesse Pinkman off drugs. Series lead ‘Walter White’ was revealed to be an out of work teacher hired by the Pinkman family to show their son that ‘drugs are bad’. The series finale began with Jesse being released from his cage by his parents to the words, “So Jesse, will you really stop taking drugs this time?” The character of Jesse was then sat down in front of all the other characters who explained in turn why they loved him and why they wanted him to ‘get straight’. As Jesse’s father Adam told him in the cold open, “Sure, some people might call this tough love. But we had no choice.  You had started smoking joints in the house.” “We knew we were getting somewhere when we had that child shot and killed in front of you, but you still needed another little push, which included a series of vicious beatings at the hands of a neo-Nazi group of meth dealers.” “Honestly, you will thank us for this in the long run. We love you Jesse and consider this 18 months well-spent.” The character of Walter White admitted the ruse had left him finding it difficult to secure any teaching work, and facing several federal indictments, but that numerous lucrative offers had come from strange Eastern European groups. He told the group in a closing scene, “I’ve always given Jesse the chance to show he had changed, even letting his girlfriend die at his parent’s request, to show him the way to a better path.” “He just didn’t take it right away.” “Still, it will be nice for Skyler and I to get back to normal.” “It was a real shame about Hank though, but if his death goes some way towards helping Jesse stop using again, it will be worth it.”

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Flexible working hours extended to Dolly Parton Dolly Parton will no longer have to work from nine to five under flexible new employment laws, David Cameron has announced. The PM insisted that flexible working, previously reserved for those looking after children, is to be extended to include generously proportioned Country and Western singers. TUC’s general secretary Frances O’Grady said “Workin’ nine to five is no way to make a livin’. Many of our members are barely gettin’ by – it’s all takin’ and no givin’.” O’ Grady went on to accuse employers of using peoples’ minds and never giving them credit. “It’s enough to drive you crazy if you let it,” he told us. The change in the law comes less than a week after the government introduced tough new Health & Safety legislation to prevent employees from tumbling out of bed and stumbling to the kitchen. New regulations, which come into force from September will also ensure that employees are properly supervised when attempting to pour themselves a cup of ambition. However, the CBI complained that flexible working would merely increase the number of people who say they’re working from home, but mysteriously turn their mobiles off. The government expects the scheme to be of particular interest to songwriters in abusive relationships and older workers considering lunchtime Botox appointments.

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Annoying twats begin reciting Monty Python press conference verbatim People who were initially indifferent about the planned Monty Python reunion are now virtually suicidal as they start to hear annoying twats reciting the entire press conference verbatim. Julia Smith from Chester, who hates deceased parrots and is not at all surprised by the Spanish Inquisition, said she was worried that the reunion would spark her husband Brian off on tedious monologues recounting complete sketches and episodes. She claimed she was also fearful that he might subject her to a movie-length renditions of Monty Python’s most easily quotable hits. Smith told reporters, “But I didn’t expect the entire press conference verbatim – no one expects the entire press conference verbatim,” Smith also claimed that she got a large kitchen knife and proceeded to cut off her husband’s arms to make him shut up – but that it didn’t work. Nor did chopping off his legs, apparently, as her husband insisted on continuing to spout further John Cleese ‘witticisms’ in her general direction. Smith concluded, “Only by giving Brian a wafer-thin mint did I finally stop him, but it took most of the day to clean up the mess.” In a display of one-upmanship, some Python fans quoted the entire press conference in French or Latin, while others recounted it using sign language. Keith Edwards from Oldham even managed to recite the press conference for 24 hours straight while doing a silly walk in a bowler hat. When questioned whether he was taking things a bit seriously, Edwards was defiant. “Monty Python is no laughing matter.”

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M. Night Shyamalan releases horror film featuring Michael Gove’s ‘Wham Rap!’ Last night, M. Night Shyamalan released the first trailer for his highly anticipated film ‘Terrifying People in Terrifyingly High Places’ featuring Michael Gove performing the ‘Wham Rap!’. Shyamalan is well known for horror films such as The Village and Sixth Sense, and the latest film promises to be as horrifying and unforgettable as previous works. The trailer’s release also coincided with a poster campaign which featured the main character at his haunting best. One poster has Gove posing for a “selfie” with young children. The poster was put up in a Tube station in London, put had to be taken down following complaints. Shyamalan told reporters earlier this year: “My latest film is about an insidious and repugnant individual who somehow finds his way to the upper echelons of British society. “I am hoping the film is going to examine themes such as corruption, fear and how bullshit can get you very far in life, like the main character.” “I also want to examine the bitter irony of having a man who looks so creepy and rubbery in charge of a whole nations children. It has satirical touches.” The trailer was received very warmly by internet users, with user MissBabylicious commenting on YouTube: “If this trailer is anything to go by, this film is going to be so frightening! I literally shat myself. Literally.” MrTwat tweeted saying: “Wow, this trailer is SO scary! I’ll be watching this from behind the sofa when it comes out.” The film is out in May 2015 and is rated 18.

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Kris Jenner Outraged By Bruce Jenner Lipstick Magazine Cover – It’s Not His Shade! Kris Jenner, matriarch of the Kardashian family empire, is reportedly outraged at InTouch Magazine after photoshopping lipstick onto the lips of a picture of her ex-husband, former Olympic champion Bruce Jenner. “It’s not his shade,” fumed Kris. “They got it all wrong. Those rags always get it wrong!” Rumors of Jenner’s unconfirmed plans for upcoming sex reassignment surgery (male-to-female) have bounced around Hollywood for years – charges Kris has always denied. “Yeah, well let’s all forget about that ratings bait for the moment. This magazine cover is all about optics, and I would never, ever have chosen that shade of lipstick for my husband. Remember all that oil that was on Kim’s rear end last November? That was all me, from champagne glass to canola oil – from stem to stern – that was all my doing!” Known as a micromanager, Kris juggles television producing and management duties for her four children with OJ Simpson lawyer Robert Kardashian – Kourtney, Kim, Khloé, and Robert – and her three children with Jenner – Kendall, Kylie and Krustie. “She’s knows exactly what she wants, and what she wants is not this,” according to gossip columnist Liz Smythe. “Everything down to the last detail is planned. Even the spontaneous scenes for the reality shows have rigidly-timed rehearsals.” At present, the Kardashians occupy several time slots on the E! cable channel including, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Kourtney & Khloé Take the Hamptons, Life with Kylie and Kendall, and 19 Kardashians and Kounting. “It’s a kooky schedule,” said Smythe, “but Kris knows what she’s doing!” “Whether or not Bruce is undergoing reassignment surgery is totally irrelevant,” says Kris. “Always keep ‘em guessing, I say. ‘Sell the sizzle, not the steak’ is what my ex-husband told me when we first met at the Sizzler where I was working. I’ve never forgotten that, and I know I never will.” InTouch has no plans to alter or change the upcoming magazine cover.

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Crayola Named Fifty Shades of Grey Official Sponsor Crayola®, best known for its world-famous line of children’s crayons, has entered into a sponsorship agreement with producers of the Fifty Shades of Grey movie, based on the 2011 erotic novel by British author E. L. James, according to advertising insiders. Conservative groups and advocates for children are understandably up in arms over the association between a beloved childhood toy brand, and a sexually themed Hollywood film depicting elements of bondage, discipline, dominance and submission (BDSM).  Two new crayon colors, “Christian Grey” and “Steele Grey” – named after the best-selling novel’s central characters – will be included in the newest boxed set of crayons to be released on Valentine’s Day, coinciding with the film’s premiere. An adult coloring book – based on the novel and specifically aimed at adults – will be part of a gift package given to VIPs attending the film’s official premiere. The ‘swag bag’ will also include several adult-themed toys and a signed, first edition of the novel. Television and web advertising are also included in the partnership agreement. Although conservative groups have asked for the recall of the new crayon colors and an outright ban on the adult coloring book, few protesting individuals are eager to admit that they have read the novel themselves, fearing negative reactions from employers and colleagues. “Our hands are tied”, said National Children’s Foundation President Louise Tedrow. “We encourage children to read and to explore their creativity, but of course we suggest age-appropriate, approved material and family themes. It is misguided to say the least, for this perverse adult work to be so closely associated with children innocently rubbing their crayons into a book.” Many feel that Crayola® has “gone outside the lines” for the sake of profit, but advertising experts see the tie-in as a bold advance in crossover targeted marketing. “Thousands, perhaps millions more people have become aware of the upcoming film as a result of this collaboration,” says media analyst Vance Packard. “I think that’s the point, and the fact that we’re discussing it now proves the effectiveness of the campaign.” Fifty Shades of Grey, the first novel in the E. L. James trilogy, has sold more than 100 million copies worldwide, with profits from the film expected to shatter box office records. Branded merchandise will also generate millions of dollars, although one lawsuit has already been filed against a Fifty Shades branded product – a lubricant. “No one’s going to sue over a crayon,” said Packard. “This deal was a smart move for everyone involved.”

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