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blog | blog_5_5 | And if you could hire a major band from the 70s to play at your party, who would you want? *I have no idea who the people are who took these pictures, I just Googled until I found some nice shots. I did NOT fax in my application. Partly because I am scared and skittish, partly because it looks like I have some hours at my "real" job this week and next. |
blog | blog_5_5 | Fortunately, the concept of dieting didn’t entirely fly out; I ate as well as I could in the circumstances. So as in Tahiti, I’m using a high guesstimate for those two days, which has me ending the week at slightly over goal, meaning I didn’t lose any weight but didn’t gain any either. |
blog | blog_5_5 | Which also makes me feel like a big dumb-ass, to go through 95% of the effort, and not be able to focus enough to come up with the other measly 5% needed. Today I’m going to read the beginning of my journal, and try to recapture whatever emotions or thoughts that enabled me to start this program. All of a sudden those 12-Step programs are making sense to me, I finally understand that one-day-a-time philosophy. Not only that you have to deal with your life in manageable, bite-sized chunks, but that each day requires its own commitment, its own re-evaluation and re-dedication to your cause. |
blog | blog_5_5 | Blogs, for starters. Anime. Japanimation. Other Japanese cultural things like Hello Kitty. Not that I have anything against the Japanese, and certainly I appreciate their expertise in the delicious raw fish with rice department, but my generation had no particular interest in Japan. |
blog | blog_5_5 | And that’s how my life alternates, Day 1 / Day 2 / Day 1 / Day 2, on into infinity. A largish day yesterday, calorie-wise (1900), which is 102 calories over my limit. It was a three-martini day, because of going out with Daisy, who wisely had two Bloody Marys, not three. |
blog | blog_5_5 | I mean, not the ONLY thing I hate about dieting. I hate obssessing about food, about every bite, counting up my calories and deciding if I’m "allowed" to have this. You can see mine is very diet-and-fitness oriented, because that's my mindset when I wrote it. |
blog | blog_5_5 | You kids have just got to stop watching so much television. It’s not good for you. X-boxes, iPods, and other things with a "single-letter-then-a-word" name. |
blog | blog_5_5 | Last week I got a coupon at the grocery store for a free package of Brown ’n Serve rolls. I don’t eat white bread these days, but I thought since it’s free, I might as well get it and feed it to the squirrels. We have several squirrels in our backyard, and I feed them with leftover bread or crackers. |
blog | blog_5_5 | I'm paid hourly. Hourly, people. So I really don't want to stand here and chat with you for an hour, and you for half an hour, and YOU for 90 minutes, because I can't charge for any of that, and I've just spent three UNPAID hours in a place I hate. |
blog | blog_5_5 | First day of Week Ten. Wow! |
blog | blog_5_5 | I don’t usually write that much online about what I’m eating, although offline I record every bite. At the beginning of this weight loss adventure, I discovered that I absolutely MUST have the most delicious food I can manage (which mostly means "can afford"), so that I don’t feel deprived. There’s no way I would survive on the typical bland diet. You know, half a grapefruit for breakfast, 3 ounces broiled chicken for lunch. |
blog | blog_5_5 | Neither one is evident yet, but I can’t wait to see how this pans out. It’s sort of the avian version of Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice. |
blog | blog_5_5 | 12:56 p.m. Well, it’s been quite a nice day so far. |
blog | blog_5_5 | It FEELS awful, but it looks great, and how often do you touch the walls, anyway? Feeling good this morning. Another decent night of sleep. Made Bucko breakfast (CoW, three eggs, and the last porkchop. |
blog | blog_5_5 | The size 24s? Starting to fall off. Yep. Daisy is planning to call me at 4:00. |
blog | blog_5_5 | Or at least, I do. Has anyone seen "Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion"? |
blog | blog_5_5 | The most famous piece he did was a copy of the Olivia Newton John album, where she is wearing a denim shirt opened at the throat. Everyone thought it was wonderful (except my parents, who never noticed anything we did), and he got a lot of attention for it at school, partly because of his drawing ability and partly because of the subject matter. |
blog | blog_5_5 | Since they don’t have any crosses. 1:43 p.m. I’m trying to be really active today and drink a lot of water to flush out the MSG as quickly as possible. |
blog | blog_5_5 | I’m using about a quarter or a third of a jar at a time. These things are perfect in a salad or diced up in a rice dish. They’re not hot; for some reason I read the "Fire" part of the label as meaning spicy. |
blog | blog_5_5 | I really want to be able to do this for a week, and I so do not want to "cheat" and rationalize it to myself. I want to really be able to do this. So I have to totally buy into it. I can't have a little part of my brain saying "you don't really want to do this" or "you can't do it so quit now." |
blog | blog_5_5 | That's typical of the way things have been going there, and why I've somehow let three months skip along before I suddenly realized I wasn't getting paid anything. Friday he emailed me and said something not-quite-clear, like "I'm going to have drawings for you I need Monday." So I wrote back and asked "Do you have them ready for me now, or you will have them for me on Monday?" He wrote back a one-word reply: "Monday." |
blog | blog_5_5 | Which is good, because I’m about to have a whopping big pork rib for dinner. Also, managed to avoid buying or drinking any alcohol. I was on the verge — like, putting my shoes on and grabbing my car keys — to go get a bottle of vodka and some vermouth, and have a delicious icy cold martini or two, as some sort of salve for the wounds of the day (that sounded kind of literary and cool) but stopped myself short. Partly because I’m trying to drink less, mostly because I didn’t want to screw up my great calories today. |
blog | blog_5_5 | Then I have my haircut at 10:00, so I need a quick workout. This afternoon perhaps I’ll be able to work in some gliding — I’ll see how my hip feels. I’m almost caught up with the archived Skinny Daily Post entries, I need to find something else with hundreds of archived entries I can read from the beginning! Here’s something I want to say about losing weight: I am glad I’m doing it, and I really want it. BUT I am angry with myself for not being everything I could be while still fat. |
blog | blog_5_5 | *My brother is a plumber, and believe me he contradicts every stereotype of a plumber you’ve ever had. **Why don’t vampires just attack Jewish people. |
blog | blog_5_5 | The problem is, I just can’t find anything at the supermarket that’s both convenient and healthy (and also affordable and palatable). It would be easiest to get a bunch of chips, pretzels, frozen pizza, and cookies and that crap, but no way am I eating it, and I don’t want to risk having it around. So I compromised with ONE bag of chips, of a kind that I don’t like so I won’t be too tempted, a couple packages of "trail mix" type snackies (dried fruit, nuts, some crackers), a bunch of bananas, apples, 2 canteloupes, and 24 bottles of beer. Which I will drink probably 4 of. |
blog | blog_5_5 | Celery, carrots, onions, garlic, zucchini, mushrooms, and tofu, spiced with curry powder, thyme, allspice, and ginger. This is only the second time I’ve cooked tofu, and it came out well. I pressed it, which removes some liquid and makes it denser and thus chewy. |
blog | blog_5_5 | This is not about wiping out bad patterns and learning to eat normally. This is about wiping out normal patterns and learning to eat badly. Maybe that's why there is such a psychology and industry involved in weight loss. You have to force yourself to behave abnormally to lose weight, but somehow fool yourself that it's what normal people do. |
blog | blog_5_5 | It was delicious. I offered them lunch, but they had already eaten in their van, so it’s not like they would mind if I ate in front of them, but it just seemed strange. |
blog | blog_5_5 | I don’t know. This year, TWO hummingbirds showed up early, and there have been great, epic battles already. Hummingbirds are very territorial, and I put out only one feeder, because I like to watch them fight. |
blog | blog_5_5 | Although, I lifted weights and stripped wallpaper yesterday, and I can feel it in my shoulders and neck. So hopefully the headache is muscular. Ate well last night - four chicken wings, heap of broccoli with no-fat yogurt sauce, some frozen corn with no butter. Also managed to resist dessert - Bucko had the last of the pound cake and ice cream from Christmas, and there was definitely enough for two. |
blog | blog_5_5 | And here’s the other thing I want to say: I am realizing that to me, the eating and possibly the weight are all about control, as far as any psychological factors may be involved. I had a little epiphany about that several months ago, and looking through my journal I see that the only really difficult spot, the only disordered eating event in ten weeks was when I didn’t want to go to the basketball game. Somehow food was a means of taking back control. |
blog | blog_5_5 | Way too snug in the butt for comfort, but I could almost conceive of wearing them. It’s such a tiny hint of progress, but more than I’ve seen for a month, so I am considerably heartened and remotivated. 12:32 p.m. I just dug up three giant bushes out of our front yard, roots and all. |
blog | blog_5_5 | Gee, really? Heh. Without jeopardizing my resolve to get BACK on plan, I am not going to beat myself up about this. I’m going to allow myself to feel sad and brave and worthy, and marinate in it to my heart’s content. |
blog | blog_5_5 | Not something I want to do every day, but I’m glad to have low numbers before vacation. I had quite an annoying anxiety dream about work last night. I think that’s what made me squirrelly when I woke up. It surprised me to even have this dream, it was a combo work/not prepared for the test kind of dream, and I didn’t think I was having any of that type of anxiety recently. Just had the Manhattan clam chowder for breakfast, and I didn’t like it. |
blog | blog_5_5 | They don't have enough work to do, they're bored and restless and lonely, and they POUNCE on anyone who comes in the front door. Fresh blood. I can understand and sympathize, but the thing is, I work part-time. |