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Rick_and_Morty_Transcript

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Rick:

Time be going by, don’t she?

Morty:

That’s your reaction to finding out you wasted your entire life?

Rick:

I feel okay.

Morty:

Well-well, what about me?

Rick:

Woah. Excuse us boys, you don’t wanna be here for this.

Two crows:

Caw.

Morty:

I thought if I gave you enough space, you’d outgrow this phase.

Waiter:

Here’s your drink, poser.

Morty:

Rick:

Morty, what we had wasn’t healthy.

Morty:

And this is? Y-y-you had a thousand adventures with these crows. When are you gonna kill their Big Bad?

Rick:

First off, the will-they kill-they is everything to my guys. And second, fuck you for trying to undermine my happiness.

Morty:

This may be the last time you lay eyes on me!

Rick:

I hope that’s not true, Morty. Because you look like sh-urrp-shit, and this is not how I wanna remember you.

Crowscare:

Now that I have his two crows, nothing will stop me from eliminating Crow Rick!

Two crows:

Caw, caw, caw.

Crowscare:

Don’t defend him to me, I don’t even get what you see in him.

Two crows:

Caw, caw.

Crowscare:

You’re right, we should be enjoying the time we have together.

Crowscare:

Crow Rick!

Two crows:

Caw.

Crowscare:

Oh, I know what this must look like but—

Rick:

Looks like my arch-nemesis Crowscare and my sidekicks planning adventures together.

Crowscare:

You are hardly the victim here. I was adventuring with these two crows before you ever came along.

Two crows:

Caw, caw, caw.

Rick:

What do you mean, ‘using me as a rebound’?

Two crows:

Caw.

Rick:

You feel like I was using you as a rebound too? Well shit, this lost all meaning. Guess it could’ve been worse. At least ‘adventuring’ was just a metaphor for romantic partnership so it’s not a real breakup.

Crowscare:

Speak for yourself. We immensely enjoy each other’s bodies.

Rick:

What?! Eugh, no!

Crowscare:

Sounds like the man’s asking for proof! Let’s show him, fellas!

Two crows:

Caw, caw, caw.

Crowscare:

Ah, aah.

Rick:

I-I asked for zero proof! Zero proof!

Rick:

I’m giving you free will. Yah!

Crow-horse:

Submit to Crow-horse!

Rick:

Whoops.

Morty:

R-rick?

Rick:

Wubba lubba dub dub! I’m back, pal!

Jerry:

Morty, who’s at the door?

Rick:

Wait a minute, I thought you died gruesomely. W-what the hell’s going on here?

Morty:

See, um th-the thing is, uh—

Beth

Can you please make Morty fourteen again, dad? This is ridiculous.

Morty:

Okay, look, I-I may have used an aging serum to kind of emotionally blackmail you a little.

Rick:

I kinda figured and I totally get it, Morty. I-I’m done with the two crows, like they were super clingy and I’m ready to make this work.

Morty:

Let’s just hit the reset button.

Beth:

Well no, honey, not a reset, okay? Tell your grandpa that you’re worthy of his respect and you wanna be treated differently from now on.

Morty:

I refuse to do that, I’m desperate to get back together.

Jerry:

Just like his old man.

Rick:

Don’t worry honey, that’s just Morty’s middle age talking. He’ll be less codependent once we get more of his life in front of him again.

Summer:

Uh, I’d like him to stay forty so he can keep buying my friends molly. I’d rather throw my vote away than use it to support a flawed system.

Morty:

Can we make our first adventure fixing this? I-I keep thinking about lawn care.

Rick:

Okay buddy, who sold you this shitty aging serum? What did he look like?

Morty:

Just like you. I-I got it from

Rick:

Hot damn! Hitting the ground running with a Citadel episode. See you later, masturbators.

Andy:

Hi! I’m the Citadel’s new mascot, Andy! Because this place wouldn’t be home without Ricks aaand-ey Mortys!

Morty:

Dumb.

Rick:

Oof, what happened to this place?

Morty:

There’s a

Rick:

Ah, that’s cute. They rebuilt, and made it nicer.

Morty:

They made it Glendale.

Rick:

Goddamn you are cantankerous.

Morty:

Even pooping hurts now.

Rick:

Yeah, well, this place is gonna fix you right up.

Employee Morty:

Okay, so… we’ve got a standard Morty that’s been aged to forty.

Rick:

Can you reverse it?

Employee Morty:

Well if you look at it like a bone, what we can do is break his age in two places, remove the middle and graft its ends back together.

Morty:

Th-th-that sounds really violent.

Rick:

It’s not a literal bone, Morty.

Morty:

Oh, Okay.

Employee Morty:

Brace yourself, the process does also break every bone in your body.

Morty:

Wait, ahhhh! Ooh, ow!

Toddler Morty 1:

I like crayons.

Toddler Morty 2:

Girls are gross.

Morty:

I-I-I think I feel like myself again.

Rick:

Eh, you look a little weird. Your skin’s all pink like a baby mouse. Is that normal?

Employee Morty:

Probably. Uh, sign here for storage or disposal of the twenty-six years we removed.

Rick:

Wait, what? I ain’t payin’ to store twenty-six years.

Employee Morty:

Well, then you’re taking it with you.

Twenty-Six Year Old Morty:

I’m almost ready to sell out.

Rick:

Alright, what’s disposal cost?

Twenty-Six Year Old Morty:

S-something unfair’s happening!

Deformed Morty:

There’s no escape! No escape!

Twenty-Six Year Old Morty:

Let me help you, this is not a good look!

Rick:

Oh boy.

Morty:

Hey, they shot me!

Police Morty:

You are seriously hurting the Citadel experience!

Deformed Morty:

Listen to me!

Police Morty:

Drop the gun!

Deformed Morty:

Death is coming for us all, and the Citadel is a weapon of mass destruc—

Rick:

Woof. You’re about to get suspended with pay. Come on, Morty. Let’s get out of here before this gets political.

Twenty-Six Year Old Morty:

U-uh. Was I influential?

Morty:

Yeah, y-you were influential. You had like seven— seven blogs.

Twenty-Six Year Old Morty:

Tight. Uh.

Rick:

Ugh. Too late.

Secret Service Rick:

C-137. President Morty requests you join him for dinner.

Morty:

Woah! S-seriously?

Rick:

You know I destroyed this place?

Secret Service Rick:

You’ve been pardoned for that, sir.

Morty:

Rick, let’s have dinner with the Morty president.