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9rlro2

aita for not caring that my upstairs neighbour is old?

apologies in advance for the wall of text, but my neighbour is a dick and i'm exhausted. tldr; my neighbour is hella old, but she's noisy during unsocial hours. i am not, so i bang on the wall. i live in a converted house that has two ground floor apartments and two first floor. my husband and i live in a lease hold he owns on the ground floor and our upstairs neighbour is an old lady, maybe 80 or 90, who is in a council flat. we have no issues with any of the other tennants. our party walls are impeccable and you'd otherwise never know we have neighbours. however, the woman who lives upstairs is a nightmare. i moved in last july and she has been unrelenting. she stomps through the flat at all hours, she warbles a strange but very consistent pattern/song starting around 3/4a and until about 8a when she calms down for the morning. she will sit in the room above our bedroom and either count repetitively or sing for sometimes hours on end. occasionally she'll get upset with herself and scream or cuss at herself. sometimes she moves furniture, or has full-blown conversations with herself. she has even banged on our door at 4a because there was a drip coming from her fireplace. i know she is not mentally well, but at this point, i. don't. care. i went up once last november at 5:30a on a sunday and politely asked her to quiet down as she had been making noise at that point for an hour and a half. in the time it took me to get down to my apartment and back into bed, my husband said she went wild and proceeded to call me every name in the book. this helped for only a month or so. now i just bang on the wall because i don't have the energy to go up and ask her to quiet down every morning when she starts her chanting. i wake up after she does and go to bed before she does, so it's not possible that i keep her up at night. my husband is a gamer and sits quietly on his pc with his headphones on if he plays. we do have a very nice soundbar, but once it hits 7:30/8, we make sure the sound is turned down. we don't play loud music, we don't have unsocial hours. i'm american and know i can be loud for some brits, but because of that, i make a very conscious effort to stay quieter than instinct tells me to be. i know she's elderly and she's entitled to her home, but the fact that she's so disruptive at the worst hours kills me. my husband says we can't call the council or the police as we'll have to declare it when we sell. she's self sufficient enough that she's not a harm to herself (i think). she's just severely mentally unstable and it's kept me from sleeping for the past 15 months. am i out of bounds here, or do i have a case against her?

nta

nta this old lady is being unreasonable at terrible hours of the night is there anyway you can get her family to maybe take her away? you say shes self sufficient but it sounds to me like severe mental instability that could really benefit from help. maybe your landlord could help? i dont know much about british housing but if you handled it quietly without the police would you still need to declare it? if shes gone thered be not much to declare anyway.

nta. i worked 3-11 shift in a nursing home for awhile. i had some patients that seem reasonably fine during the day, but come 8 or 9 pm, their demetia would come out full blast and they would be totally confused and agitated and generally bonkers. we called it "sundowner syndrome." it's not an actual diagnosis, but a feature of dementia. it sounds like what may be going on with the lady upstairs. it sounds like she might need more care and supervision than she's getting. where i live, we have adult protective services as a part of the county department of social services. do you maybe have some government agency that isn't the police who could maybe help connect her with other social services? or, lacking that, have you ever noticed a relative going to visit that you could share your concern for her health and safety (don't discuss from the "your crazy nan is keeping me up all night" perspective, but a "she's up all night and i'm worried about her safety" standpoint)? you said she's entitled to her home, and that's true, but not at your expense. best of luck.

9rmanr

aita for requesting a new nurse because my usual one always smells of cigarettes?

i’m a dentist, i don’t own the practice but i work for a large corporation which owns many practices in the area. they provide the nurses. i only work at this place once a week but have had the same nurse for around a year. she’s not a heavy smoker but would usually go out for a smoke two or three times a day she’d only go if she had the time to spare and is usually a good nurse albeit i do have to remind her about washing hands regularly and other basic hygiene things. i’ve talked to her a few times about the smell when she returns from her smoke breaks a few times and her usual course of action is to spray a load of deodorant on which i feel doesn’t really fix the problem. it just mixes with the smoke smell to make an even heavier suffocating smell. today she came back and the whole place reeked of smoke, i felt embarrassed treating patients here and know i wouldn’t like it if i were visiting my own dentist. i asked for a new nurse... am i the asshole?

nta

i vote nta, i can't stand when someone is in close proximity to my nose and they smell like cigarettes,

nta, if i was going to have my mouth worked on and all i could smell was cigarettes, i’d question how sanitary things were. maybe that’s just me. you have your patients in mind and i think that’s all that matters, nothing malicious

9rmq36

aita for replying with counter-arguments to grandpa's political email fwds?

first-time poster. my grandpa forwards lots of emails to our whole family that are very political/vitriolic. one even contained "statistics" about what america would be like without black people in it (!!!). for a while, i ignored them and let him be an old coot, but i just couldn't ignore the one i mentioned, and i figured that getting a personally- and thoughtfully-written response from his granddaughter disagreeing with him is better than radio silence. (i thought maybe it was attention-seeking, and that he didn't really feel this way,you but wanted to be outrageous to get attention. and based on his rational replies, i still feel i might be right about that...) but now it keeps happening, and it's kind of exhausting having to argue with such outrageous claims as are contained in these messages (which are forwarded from other people--grandpa sent them with just a couple quick clicks!), especially when i feel guilty for acting like a know-it-all or "talking back". when i initiate conversations with him, i keep it personal, but he wants to hash out every controversial political item he can think of. and i can't block his address, because occasionally he emails genuine questions & greetings. (plus, he quizzes me: "so did you read the article i sent you on...?") i'd kill to be able to send an easy, cutesy response to a forwarded list of cat pictures... so would i be the asshole if i go back to ignoring "old-coot" rage-baiting? or am i the asshole for trying to correct grandpa's ill-conceived notions about the world via email?

nta

nta but sounds exhausting i would just ignore him

i think you're nta and i'll refrain from telling you my opinion on your grandpa. that being said: i don't think replying to him will achieve anything. he's not rational about this, racists never are. so, do what is best for you. i'd quick-check his mails and delete them* without reading any further if they don't contain vital info but if you feel like replying, hey, it's your time and effort.

9rmuxy

aita for offering to change a friend's breaks?

for reference, my wife's friend and her husband keep their money separate. her car's brakes started to squeal and she asked her husband if he could replace them. he stated that he didn't have time and to take the car to the dealership. she called the dealership to get a quote and the told her that while just replacing the pads wouldn't be too expensive, the rotors, calipers, and brake lines may need to be replaced as well. that could be upwards of a couple grand. she couldn't afford that much, so asked her husband to help her pay for it. he said that it wasn't his car, so he wasn't going to pay anything. she was getting worried about driving her car especially since it is the main transportation for getting their < 1yr old baby to and from daycare. having been a mechanic previously and still enjoying working on cars, i offered to look at the brakes for her. i thought that i could at least save them the cost of labor if they could cover the cost of parts. evidently, when she told her husband what i had offered, he was immensely ticked off and decided to do the work himself. fast forward a week or so, and we are discussing what time they were planning on coming to our house for a social function, my wife's friend tells us that while she and her little one are still coming, her husband has all of a sudden changed his mind and is going to his own thing at home. am i the asshole for offering to help out?

nta

nta. also, you're not the asshole when they get divorced in three months. i know married couples that keep finances separate to avoid conflict over spending habits, but this marriage sounds completely fucked. you tell your wife and 1 year old to get bent on the cost of brake job? then magically find the time to do it yourself when someone else is kind to them? wow.

nta! there’s very definitely an arsehole in this story but it’s not you. early on it’s clear her husband is a bit of wanker but when you mentioned that they have a child he got promoted to total arsehole.

9rmwh3

aita for not wanting to go on my parents impulse trip?

a couple of days ago my parents brought up the idea of going to copenhagen around christmas time. me and my brother (11 yo) have never been to copenhagen since it's around 5 hours away in car. from the first time this idea was mentioned, i was against it. i don't have any real desire to go to copenhagen, and i quickly mentioned i didn't want to go. yesterday my parents brought up that they now have reserved tables at various different restaurants around copenhagen and also paid a deposit for the hotel. again i expressed i had no desire to go on the trip, and this time i was met with comments about how ungrateful i was, and that i just should accept this trip and that it is propably going to happen. &#x200b; aita/am i ungrateful for not wanting to go on this trip

nta

i was very similar to you when i was younger, didn’t want to go to the zoo etc. however, as time evolved i began to see the value in enjoying the experience over some impulse things like video games you may want to do instead of going on vacation. clearly your parents have been wanting to go to there for some time, so respect that. however, you made your wishes very clear so nta

nta. if they want their trip they want their trip but doesn’t mean they should act like you’ve twisted their arms to go through all this effort for this. you can’t expect gratitude from someone who doesn’t want what you’re giving them.

9rmywa

aita for wanting to wear traditional attire at my graduation?

so a little background. since the 1870s, our school has held our graduation in our stadium and the attire has been “white dresses for girls, black suits for boys”. however, we live in a very progressive suburb, and the school administration had been getting complaints about inequity. the complaints had two main reasons. the first was about gender nonconformity. some students don’t identify as a specific gender, so it would put them in a hard spot as to decide to what to wear, especially if they weren’t “out” to their parents yet. the other complaint is affordability. my school serves an economically diverse neighborhood, and some parents/students stated they can not afford to buy a nice dress or suit. the school has a low cost option available, but i do not know what it is. this issue had become so problematic that a few students have said they wouldn’t walk on graduation because of the clothing. so in 2016, the administration decided to relax the dress code so that a student may wear anything that is formal and black/white/navy. i felt like this solved the problem. gender non conforming students could wear whatever option they wanted, and the school already had a low cost option. however, some students kept complaining, saying the attire was still inequitable. so this year, the school board decided to force everyone to wear caps and gowns for the first time ever. obviously, a lot of students (including me) are disappointed, since we will no longer be able to dress nicely and continue the tradition we’ve had for over a century, and a lot of people have been looking forward to dress up nicely since freshman year. am i the asshole for thinking that some of the complaints are a little ridiculous? i mean, can’t they just wear something that suits them/or buy the low cost option? i’d especially appreciate feedback from non gender conforming people. thanks

yta

yta can you maybe take a step back and empathize with people who may not want to have their struggling financial situation out on display during a very important moment in their lives? whatever the low cost option is, it’s going to make it very obvious who has money and who doesn’t.

yta - you can dress as nicely as you want, on any day you want. you are about to graduate, i'm sure there are a half dozen events where you can get snazzy. as for your arguments about "tradition" - look, the tradition was already gone. it went from purely black suits/white dresses to any black/navy/white formal wear. that already isn't the same thing. in fact, i could argue that cap and gown is closer to the original intent - to have verisimilitude across the student body. with an open dress code, you could have a dozen different cuts of dresses, pants, in various colors. this keeps everyone looking clean and formal.

9rnvg4

aita for wanting to leave my mom alone?

alright, so i‘ve had this problem with my mom that i initially thought i was clearly right, but seeing how upset my mom gets (she starts crying whenever we touch this subject now) makes me wonder if i‘m truly the asshole but just can‘t see it. anyway, i‘m a 22 year old woman and i currently live with my mom. i had moved out over three years ago and have been back with her for 8 months now. in total, i was away for two and a half years, i‘d moved for my studies. now i‘m finishing my degree and working, and as soon as i get my degree and things calm down, i plan on moving out again. my mom has a huge problem with this, she believes i need to stay with her until i get married. i know, this notion seems ridiculous to americans but we‘re not american and don‘t live in the states either. she‘s a traditional woman and thats how she wants me to leave her home (in her culture that‘s pretty normal, people also get married at around 25 and leave their home that way). normally, i‘d be pretty sure that i‘m right about wanting to leave but there‘s a couple more factors in this situation. firstly, she paid for my studies. i worked a little but she basically paid my rent and the child money she got for me was my money to use for food and necessities, anything else i used the money i earned. the other thing is, my parents seperated two years ago, while i was away. and she keeps saying that the fact that i wanna leave her alone is selfish of me. she says that it makes no sense that we‘d both live alone seperately (without any in her opinion valid reason). when i say i‘d moved out before and that it was fine, she says that was clear to be temporary and she knew i‘d be back and it was only for my studies. she constantly breaks into tears because she feels unwanted and unappreciated because i‘d rather live alone than share a home with her. am i really the asshole here? should i show her how thankful i am for everything she‘s done for me by staying with her?

nta

nta, but just keep your relationship on a positive level. people this day and age want to be a little more independent. i would talk to your mother about how much you value your relationship, but you want to create your own life as well. let her know that you can still hang out with her a lot. it sounds like she just fears being alone, not that you are ungrateful. as humans, we try to point fingers at others before facing reality.

nta. are you indian? i know this is highly common in indian culture. so from an american pov, you're not an asshole, but you are certainly going against the cultural norm and as such, you should expect push back and understand going against the grain like this is likely to cause tension. it doesn't make you an asshole, just makes you more of a trailblazer. you are an adult, and you are your own person and free to live your life how you see fit. that being said, you need to sit down and explain this to your mother. she clearly does not see your point of view yet. she should be proud that she raised a daughter to be independent, wanting to spread her wings and go live life, and not need a husband to start her own life. that perspective is also probably a bit foreign to her and may take her time to wrap her head around. conversely, once you leave, she is going to be lonely. maybe you can make efforts to make her less lonely by visiting?

9ro34a

aita people trying to break in again, bf mad i wanted him to come over to keep me safe

for context, this has happened to us many times. people have been pounding on my house with thr strength of a grown man. pounding over and over, many times on our windows and side of house. and other very scary stuff has happened before like finding men behind our house and my mom has a history of stalkers. it's just three small women in our house, no weapons besides some kitchen knives and a bat. it happened again, and it was only me and my sister here. i called my boyfriend who is just 15 minutes away and was napping. i wanted him to scare them away and protect us because he's way larger than us and can fight. he laughed at me and said "you expect me to stop what i'm doing and just rush over?" and asked why i just don't go check even thought he could hear me terrified and shaky. have you ever seen a horror movie? that's how you get killed. we've tried calling cops but they are no help in this situation. so am i really the asshole here for wanting this of him?

nta

it sounds like details were left out, as per usual with this sub. either that, or your boyfriend is a piece of shit. if you weren’t sure as to whether or not it was people actually doing it, which it seems like you weren’t sure considering your boyfriend asked you to “go check”, then yeah, you should have gone and checked before calling, however it’s probably what you were expecting. either way, nta because you were scared and wanted to feel protected and needed help, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

nta for being scared. asshole for expecting your gf to drop everything at any moment just for you. also, is he a police officer? is he specially trained or otherwise equipped and prepared to stop an attacker? the police won't do anything? i know most every police department considers a potential home invasion as a lights and sirens code 3 call, which demands immediate response. so i feel there's some missing or fabricated information.

9rocch

aita for ending my friendship after she cheated on her husband?

edit 1: tried cutting out some of the fluff and shortening it a bit. (had no idea the novel it would become xd). that said it means even more that you guys took the time to read and comment <3. thank y'all so much for your thoughts - i literally feel so much better already. &#x200b; **how we met (background)**: in college i met a group of girls. fun group of girls that went out most weekends to dance and drink and have fun. after a few months i realized i wanted more out of my weekends than babysitting this group. so i began going less and less to "nights out with the girls" and as a consequence i was essentially shunned and blocked. one girl from the group - actually the one i liked the most - still hung out with me throughout all this - and a really awesome friendship blossomed out of the whole situation. her support meant the world and we grew very close! i considered her one of my closest friends by the end of fully escaping that toxic group. &#x200b; **our friendship:** fast forward - she met her future husband about a year later. so excited she invited me to meet him super early on. loved him immediately! another couple months and i met my boyfriend and i invited her to meet him. she loved him as well! we end up all 4 being good friends and alternate hosting double dates via dinners and game nights etc. just a couple of couples - it was cool. &#x200b; **proposal & wedding:** a few years later they got engaged!!! she was nothing short of ecstatic about it. the wedding was beautiful and everything she described her perfect wedding to be. shit about to hit the fan. t*imeline clarification, the time between the wedding and the final event described below is one year. onward...* &#x200b; **after the wedding:** she and i continue to hang out and have double dates with our sos and i even go so far as to introduce her to another group of girls i've been hanging out with on tuesdays to drink wine, each cheese, and watch terrible reality television every week. *this is relevant for reasons later*. her complaints about her husband slowly but surely grow. it becomes clear she's having a little bit of a hard time. i didn't see any flags or thought they were really in trouble - i thought they were just having rough patches sometimes - and i provided support by reaching out a few times a week. (also i knew they were a little strapped with money and were working double shifts to save up for their honeymoon to happen a year after their wedding - which is high stress enough) **icky #1** 6 or 7 months after their wedding she sits me down for a serious conversation. she is attracted to her next door neighbor. says he's "traditionally more my type" and "so nice and sweet" and "i think he's so attractive" and "am i a bad person" "he reminds me of my ex". so i had a hard conversation with her - basically told her she needed to distance herself if she was worried about it - there's no reason to tempt herself to doing something she will regret. **icky #2** another couple months and she tells me she kissed her neighbor. he's apparently a masseuse and offered her a massage which she took and then one thing led to another and they kissed. difficult friend conversation #2 took place where i told her (as delicately as i possibly could while still saying it) she needed to stop or her marriage is going to end. **icky #3** a month or two later with the honeymoon right around the corner. i start asking if she's excited etc. she tells me she's thinking of not going. (the tickets are already bought at this point and cannot be refunded and she's sitting here telling me she's thinking of cancelling because she's not sure about this marriage.) i mainly end up asking questions and offering her anything she needs (which is mainly an ear to chat and be listened to). my heart breaks for her but i can't do anything except offer to be here for her which i do. i leave this chat sad for their relationship but ready to support my friend. &#x200b; **the ickiest - the tuesday of their honeymoon:** tuesday - (meaning it's girls night for terrible television). this particular tuesday actually happens to be not only a finale show as well as the first day my friend's husband on the honeymoon - **by himself**. she officially decided not to go, so he's in greece, and she's at home with his dog. even though i have standing plans with the girls also i reach out and offer to bring over a bottle of wine and watch the finale with her in the comfort of her home rather than dealing with the gals. she accepts, i head over. immediately from the moment she opens the door i feel something is off. she is dressed up with makeup on and hair done and candles lit in the background. there's also another girl in the living room as well as a guy - i recognize neither of these people. she did let me know the girl would be there but did not mention the man. we all sit down and it becomes clear we're not watching my trashy show (oh well) and instead we all pour some wine and begin chatting. i learn that the girl in the room is thinking of sleeping with a girl in a relationship. no one in the room (except me) thinks this is a bad idea. guy doesn't say much. more chatting and eventually my friend begins talking about her relationship with her husband and how she's not sure if she wants to stay married to him anymore. she repeats the "not sure" several times along with "i don't know" but "i want it to work" but she makes it clear it's not definitely over. later as the stranger girl and i go grab more wine. i see out of the corner of my eye my friend's hand slide down the guy's leg and they lean in and have a quick kiss. the image of them sharing a kiss on the couch with her husband's dog sleeping at her feet and dozens of framed pictures of my friend and her husband on the wall behind them will never leave my memory. i make up an excuse and bail. &#x200b; **my reaction/aita:** feel sick entire drive home with the image of them kissing in her husband's house burned into my brain. shared with my so what i saw. he, too horrified. he wrote her off right there and said "we can't trust her anymore - i don't want to hang out with her anymore and i don't want her in our house". me: having trouble with it i decided to text her and clarify a few things before anything else. i ask (in a round about way) if that was the guy. finally she reveals that he is in fact the masseuse that she had kissed. i lose it. i go off on text and basically say that i can't believe she would not tell me he was there after i cancelled plans with friends to come support her. i couldn't believe she would bring him into her husband's house while he was on their honeymoon by himself and even talks about her and her husband's relationship with him and me there. i'm furious and the message is a novel. i try not to yell at her but it for sure was done late and as a reaction. her response was long and equally angry. she eventually sent a follow up apologizing for the rant, but the damage was done. i was done. i have always felt bad for communicating this through text but unfortunately that part along with the rest of this story cannot be changed. &#x200b; she and i don't talk for a while &#x200b; eventually she reaches out as if nothing happened wanting to see me/hang out and talk about the divorce proceedings. my stomach feels literally sick at the idea of seeing her heart is so torn i push it a couple weeks and finally agree to meeting in person. everything feels forced. there's less laughs. and i'm walking on eggshells to avoid certain topics. so conversations are shallow and boring and unfulfilling. we never fight or yell or even bring it up in person or via text again. she reached out about 3 months ago with a vague message of reach out: "i'm not sure what happened to our friendship but i miss you" and it broke me. i gave in and told her i missed our friendship too but think we would need to have a serious chat first to see what's been going on. she agrees. that meeting never happened. at this point there's basically no communication and she's acting like she doesn't know why we are the way we are however she's stopped reaching out &#x200b; giving her the shoulder for all this - for stepping out of a friendship because of these actions... i've struggled with this internally for about 2 years now and would love definitive judgement. aita &#x200b; tl;dr - i met a friend a while back and we literally watched our relationships with our sos bloom and became a couple of couples who got to know each other really well and hosted double date dinners all the time. a year after their wedding her husband is on their honeymoon by himself - she stayed home and invites me over to their house and proceeds to kiss a guy in her husband and her house in front of a wall their loving photos of them together with the husband's dog at her feet. i ended our friendship after this event and i've felt guilty about it for a few years. aita

nta

nta. literally nothing about this makes you the asshole. it’s your prerogative to not involve yourself in behavior you think is unethical and she was given every sign along the way that this would be the end result.

nta. definitely nta. sounds like you tried to be there for your friend the best you could despite what she was doing. it was disrespectful toward you not to let you know that guy was going to be there when you know her husband (and i'm assuming are on friendly terms with him). she pulled you in to a shitty situation.

9roxye

aita for refusing to entertain a friendship with a people with vastly different political views?

i recently cut off a few acquaintances because they are trump supporters. as a women who’s been oppressed and abused, i honestly have no tolerance for that shit. i try really hard to keep politics out of my relationships and i feel like extremities are warranted in this situation, but i’ve gotten a lot of heat for it. its gone as far as having people messaging me on facebook telling me how much of a nasty bitch i am (to clarify these are not the people i’m referring to when i say i’m cutting ties- i would never befriend anyone who talks to people that way in general) any input?

nta

nta. you're not obligated to be friends with anyone for any reason. and most likely, not feigning friendship with them is doing them as much a favor as it is yourself. what would make you the asshole is if you used their political beliefs to dehumanize them.

nta. >i’ve gotten a lot of heat for it. its gone as far as having people messaging me on facebook telling me how much of a nasty bitch i am yeah, that'll happen when you associate with trump supporters. it's a cult and if you aren't part of the cult, you're an enemy. it sucks, but that's the way they wanted it.

9rp1o5

aita for not wanting family and friends that have not had the flu immunization not to hold my 2.5 month old?

here's a bit of a background. my wife and i live in texas separated from our family due to me being in the u.s. army. a lot of my wife's family is getting together in la for my sister-in-law's wedding. naturally, a lot of this family has not met our son so they are all wanting to ohh&ahh over him. my wife and i and only a few of these individuals have gotten the flu immunization this season. the wedding the weekend (nov 3rd) after this one and from my understanding is that even if they got the flu shot now, they wouldn't have built enough antibodies to the flu because it takes at least 2 weeks to do so. i am standing my ground, although it is difficult to do so, to not let individuals without the flushot interact with my baby son. so aita or not?

nta

nta. your kid your rules.

nta. but this is taking a very extreme point of view. also, you want to wait as long as possible to get the flu shot because it is only effective for 2-3 months-ish. end of oct is the earliest the cdc even recommends getting the shot. also, it takes about 2 weeks for your body to produce the antibodies needed to fight the flu after vaccination. even then, you can still get and spread the flu. i understand being protective, but i think you're going a bit overboard. make them use sanitizer and enjoy the newest member of the family.

9rqi32

aita for reminding my grandmother what sexual assault means.

so i work at a hotel and on tuesday i found out that the mod was raped by a guy she was talking to. i went with my mother for a fast trip to her hometown on thursday. where most of her side of the family still lives. i asked my aunt and grandmother to pray for my mod because she was sexually assaulted. later on during the stay my grandmother asks "is she shook up by this?" uhh grandma she was raped so yes she is shook up. am i the asshole for jumping down my elderly grandmothers throat?

yta

yes, yta. no need to be a smart ass, just say yes.

yta, people ask questions like that all the time. often not for the answer, but to enquire further/ show some sort of empathy. lets say someone is punched, another person is likely to ask "are you ok" or "does your jaw hurt". idk but i see that type of question all the time in conversation. also there is the possibility that a person may not be all the shaken up after being raped, but that is unlikely. i'm not the type of peron who thinks in absolutes.

9rqkaj

aita for not wanting to go to my brother’s house?

a little background - my brother and sil have been married for 12 years. i love them both dearly, but i don’t always like them. around 10 years ago they moved in with our parents ‘for 6 months, tops’. my sil ended up having a mental breakdown and quit her job. she just started working again about 6 months ago. they stayed with my parents for 7 years, until my mom gave them a move out date. when they were at my parents’ they had dogs and cats that were their own, the cats living in their room. a lot of things happened and a chasm grew between my parents and them. when they moved out, they decided to buy a house, on only my brother’s income, an hour away from my parents and i. time has passed. more stuff happened, but the chasm grew smaller and isn’t as prevalent now. here’s the ‘am i an asshole’ part. since moving out, my sil, who always ‘has a headache’ or ‘doesn’t feel well’ has decided that she is very allergic to cats (she was allergic to cats before, she just took zyrtec and dealt with it). my parents and i both have a cat. therefore, for every holiday or family event, if we want them to come, and it’s not at a restaurant, we have to go down to their house. for every birthday, mother’s day, christmas, everything. i usually opt not to go. i have 50/50 custody of my kids and only get them for so long on holidays and don’t want to spend that time in a car. my viewpoint is that if they want to spend time with us, they can make the drive and she can suck it up for a couple hours. my mom tells me that i’m being unreasonable and i’m not going because i’m being difficult. aita? just to be clear, i wouldn’t have an issue if it wasn’t every single family gathering, but it is.

nta

nta - spending time with your kids comes 1st. believe it or not, the cats are not important issue here - it driving when you could be spending more time having fun with your children, is what's important.

nta. you have children and you want to spend time with them. they are far more important than being stuck in a car for an hour. there's no reason you need to be at every single family gathering.

9rqs8f

aita for being upset about my best friend getting with my ex-girlfriend?

i'm in grade 12 of high-school, and i've been friends with this guy (lets call him james) for 4 years. we are straight up best friends, we've spent a lot of time together. i've sacrificed a lot for him in the past, and i cared about his mental well-being and i check up on him, as he gets really sad quite often. during the spring of grade 11 i started hanging out with this girl (lets call her sofie), and we were a thing for about 5 months, as we broke up as soon as grade 12 started after summer break. we broke up because a psychopathic ex of mine was constantly bullying her, because she was with me. so, i still have mild lingering feelings for sofie, but for the most part i'm over her. but, just recently, james has started hanging out with her. at first i thought james and sofie were just doing homework and stuff together, but as i watched it progress, they hung out with each other for very long periods alone at party's, hang out all the time at school, and before i knew it, my best friend is getting with my very very recent ex. james completely disregarded my feelings, and put me down so he could be happier. instead of hanging out with me like he usually would, he walks past me in the hallway with my ex and they go do their own thing. this makes me feel unbelievably shitty. so, i called him out. i told him that what hes doing is a dick move, and that what he's doing is wrong and it makes me feel horrible, and i don't know if i can be his friend if he keeps dating my ex. his response: "what i'm doing isn't wrong, i'm not trying to make you feel bad but yeah i'm gonna keep hanging out with her" so, that went horribly. i told my friends (which are also his friends, as we were very close) about the situation, and some are on my side and some are on his. am i the asshole for getting mad at him for getting with my recent ex? tl;dr: best friend of 4 years is getting with my very recently ex-girlfriend, i am very upset about it, told our friends about our situation, some are on his side some are on my side. aita?

nta

nta. it might be a hard pill to swallow but he is not your best friend, he is a snake who stabbed you in the back. if he really respected you then he would have at least talked to you first.

nta, but it's a tough call. your friend definitely should have talked to you first, especially if he knew about all the shit you went through in your relationship with your ex. i suggest talking to your friend and telling him why you feel this way, and if he doesn't respect that, i think it's time you reassess your friendship.

9rrpb6

wibta for breaking up with my girlfriend because she doesn’t have sex with me?

backstory, been dating my girlfriend for a few months now. its mostly problem free, she’s a great person, very pretty, and has a bright future ahead of her. however, the major elephant in the room? we have not had sex at all. i’m not a virgin and neither is she. the main difference is i’ve had casual sex in the past while she’s only ever had sex with her ex boyfriends. she has no problem with making out, getting felt up, or even getting some clothes off. she even openly talks about past sexual experiences, teases me, etc., but when i try to escalate beyond second base she always stops me. i asked her what the problem is and she keeps saying that she feels its going “too fast” for her. through other conversations she’s said she kind of regrets having sex with her exes. its getting to the point of being frustrating now, i was in a 5 month dry spell before meeting her and i haven’t been with anyone since i met her. at the end of the day i can’t and won’t force her to have sex. i understand she has certain hangups, and if she does ever have sex with me i ultimately want it to be a positive experience for her as well, but i feel like there is nothing i can say without it coming off as me pressuring her. if it weren’t for the sex then everything else is great. she’s always caring for me, makes an effort for me, always does nice things, all my friends think she’s great, and she is very loyal. i talked to a couple of my friends and they gave me the whole “you’re not entitled to sex” lecture. in reality i don’t feel like i’m entitled to receive sex from her, but its certainly something i want. its not all i want, but its something i want as part of the package. wibta for leaving my girlfriend just because she won’t have sex with me? i kind of feel assholish for considering this, but now i don’t know what else to do.

nta

i say no, nta. i mean.. sexual chemistry is really important. why stay with someone when you aren't happy?

nta. compatibility in a relationship includes sex. that's a completely legitimate reason to move on, especially if it's a new~ish relationship.

9rs0ss

aita for getting my ex-friend banned from a game?

i used to be friends with a guy and when he got a new friend group he started being not so nice to me to seem "cool" .he was spreading embarrassing pictures and making up rumours. i got banned from a game (wrongful ban) that gives machine bans. i logged into his account (he has told me his password before) and since my pc is banned, now his account is. aita?

yta

yta, although it sounds like he's being one, too. instead of directly addressing his shitty behavior with him and then ending the friendship and moving on, you got him banned. that's a petty, immature, asshole move.

yta. he was an asshole first, but that doesn't make you much less of one.

9rtlfb

aita for requesting a refund.

little info: my girlfriend is allergic to dairy. she breaks out in hives, turns red, asphyxiates, and vomits when she’s invested enough of the stuff. she takes pills to combat these symptoms when she feels like having dairy. so we go out to a restaurant primarily known for their poutines to eat and she orders a poutine with sour cream/guacamole/cheese and a hot dog. shortly after ordering the server says “because it’s night time i’m going to have to ask you to pay in advance” okay, fine. i tip 20% and we carry on waiting. all the food arrives after about 20 minutes except her hotdog, the server says it’s on it’s way. cool. she looks at me and says “shit i forgot my pills...” i offer her my vegan burger, she declines and says she’ll eat the poutine anyway, she’ll be fine. i’ve repeatedly expressed to her how when she does these things it makes me feel terrible because i love her. she starts digging in no pill, i’m woofing down my food asap so i can get us back home and hopefully get her a pill in time. after about 15 more minutes she’s coughing, breaking out and turning red. i get up to go find the server and ask for the hot dog he forgot about to be reimbursed because we need to go she’s not feeling well. he says sure no problem. i turn my girlfriend and she’s just freaking out “what did you say to him. were you rude?! all the staff was giving you dirty looks” i told her exactly what i said and she just marches to the server and says “ it’s fine we’ll take the hotdog when it’s ready” so we wait even more, take it and leave. i rush her home, she takes her meds, and she tells me how embarrassed she is of me because i was rude to the server, expected him to pay out of his own pocket for the food we didn’t want in the end (what...?) and how i was a drama queen about everything, and all the staff there hates us because of it. i reassured her again i wasn’t rude in the slightest to the dude. i feel like fucking shit because she doesn’t believe me and won’t see my side in the matter. aita?

nta

if anyone is an asshole, it's someone who eats what they know they're allergic to just because they want it. but no, you're nta.

she ruined the evening with her ignorance to be honest. asking for a refund is way less embarassing than breaking out in an allergic fit you caused in public. i don't get this at all. of course you're nta

9ruomg

aita for refusing to do my dad's job after i said i would?

so my dad(61) asked me if i(17) wanted to pull weeds in front of my house and he said he would pay me $20 for it. i took the offer but after pulling weeds for 2 hours, i told i didn't want to do it anymore because it was too hot outside. i didn't ask for any payment for what i did do and he still holds it against me. am i the asshole?

yta

yta. just go back out in the evening or morning when it’s cooler.

yta plain and simple. promises need to be kept, we don’t need more politicians in this world. upvoted for assholery.

9ruuzr

aita for not wanting to wear a halloween costume?

halloween has never been my thing. i don’t like dressing up or wearing costumes. it’s just not my idea of fun, sue me. my best friend is hosting a costume party tonight, and my girlfriend loves halloween; she’s really into makeup and wants to be an alien tonight. the original plan was for her and her friend to be aliens and go into hoboken, but with the weather she’s decided to come to my friend’s costume party. she decided, with no input from me, to order a nasa t-shirt so we could be in “costume” together. i know what you’re saying, it’s just a t-shirt, no big deal, and you’re right. but she doesn’t drive and to get it at the last minute, we (read: me, the only driver) now have to pick it up at the mall on a busy, rainy saturday. am i the asshole for not wanting a costume i didn’t ask for? shouldn’t people be able to respect my decision not to participate in a holiday i don’t care for? edit 2: point taken, people, i’m on my way out the door to pick up the shirt. thank you all for your feedback.

nta

nta, but it sounds like your girlfriend is trying her best to get you as comfortable as possible with halloween, so it might be in your best interest to do this for her. side note 1: i highly doubt your last sentence, there's no way you could have a good sense of this unless she communicates everything that makes her uncomfortable side note 2: as /u/squirrelfi5h said, is this the hill you want to die on?

nta but relationships are full of tiny compromises- would it kill you to make her happy?

9ruyvg

aita for reporting the guy who groped my girlfriend’s friend to the school

please don’t berate me if you disagree with what i did. i genuinely don’t know if iata and am willing to take what i learn from this thread to help improve my future decisions. a few months ago my friend’s girlfriend was grabbed by the butt by a guy in the hallway. he is a freshman, and in the middle school has touched nearly a dozen other girl’s butts and they went to the middle school principal and nothing was done about it. then a couple weeks into his freshman year he grabbed a friend of my girlfriend’s butt in the hallway on the way to lunch. our school got refitted with cameras this year. every classroom has a camera and every part of nearly every hallway is on camera too. he tried to play it off and kept walking. i was told about this. the girl who was groped was upset over it but didn’t want to report it for various reasons. i asked my girlfriend when and where it happened so that i could report it to the school. and so i went to one of the few administrators i trust in the school (i’m not a freshman so i’m familiar with the administration, most people are new). and i told her when where and what the kid’s name was. she went onto the cameras and got the evidence. the kid was called up to the office during a class with the girl who was groped and my girlfriend. so the girl who was groped found out and got upset. and my girlfriend sides with her friend on this. i debated reporting it before i did. my reasoning was not me trying to be a savior. i knew the girl probably wouldn’t like it if i reported it. the reason i did was because my girlfriend also has 2 classes with this kid. and should it happen to her and i didn’t report it, especially if it happened on camera then she likely wouldn’t be believed or not much would happen. i don’t know what kind of punishment (if any) the kid received but i don’t doubt that if he gets caught again he will get in a lot. also, this kid has done it to other girls at the middle school and got away with it. i thought if he got caught the first time he did it in the high school with all the cameras it would act as a deterrent and he at least wouldn’t try it again during school. finally, i also thought if he got away with it he would surely do it again to someone else. even if it was not my girlfriend. and that any future victims would appreciate the evidence from the previous time because it was 100% proven on camera. thus the next victim might not need video evidence.

nta

nta in my opinion. i understand why the girl was upset, since she told you that she didn't want to report the incident, but in doing so you might have prevented others from being groped. also, who knows what else he might do one day if he thought he could get away with it?

nta, you made a serial offender known to the school administration. also, even though this girl didn't want to report it, how many of his victims do you think wanted to report but couldn't? overall i think you did the right thing. and, if this kid learned anything from this, you spared him a few sexual assault charges in the future.

9rv05o

aita ?

i am 24, my two sisters are 35 & 39. my little nephew is in kindergarden here in switzerland. i was free that day and went to pick him up from kindergarden, he is 5 years old. there was this 50+ year old guy that approached him and asked him if he would want to come to his place. he ran away, saw me and told me. never have i laid hands on an other human being. i was so furious and i could not stop. the rage and hatred made me disform this guys skull into a pulp of blood. he's still in the critical-care unit, 62 days after the incident. i will face 9 months of jail and a fine of 78'500.- "fuck this. pedophilea deserve a horrible death, i should've took his ass to the woods and kill him there, and bury him." were my last words in court. i will be gone from the 01.11.18. have a good time fellas.

nta

nta. fuck that guy. he deserved it. i wonder how many kids he’s tried this on. at 50 he’s probably already molested kids. i’m sorry you have to serve time but maybe you saved someone he could’ve gotten to in this time he’s been in the hospital.

nta. you maybe took it a little far, but fucking pedos need an ass kicking. and he's never gonna mess with your nephew again.

9rv0tt

aita for planning to elope?

tl;dr: am i an asshole for wanting to get married with just my fiance in a country that is important to both of us when my parents really want to be at the wedding? to clarify, i don't mean run away and get married in secret sort of elope. just the two of us getting married alone in another country. my fiance (21m) and i (21f) are currently in europe (we are from the united states) doing some training to help provide safe water for a country in africa. we leave for africa in about a month and will be there for 3 months. we plan to get married when we get back to europe and have our honeymoon here. the country we are doing our training in is very important to us as we will be moving here in the future to do more work, so it would mean so much to get married here. neither of us want a lot of people, but just with family and close friends it will be at least 80 people. getting married here gives us that excuse to not have so many people. also, we both will just be more comfortable. his family situation has not been so great, so it would be nicer for him to not have them there. mine situation is fine, i just can't be myself around my parents. they would be disappointed if they knew i drink, which makes having wine or anything at our wedding a sticky situation. i never felt comfortable touching my boyfriend (now fiance) around my parents (my dad said if he could do dating over again he wouldn't even hold hands before marriage). i would hold his hand and such a little, but it was always so awkward around my parents. the idea of a wedding kiss in front of them stresses me out so much we probably wouldn't do it. i get those are just two little things, i've debated whether i'm being selfish over such small things, but my fiance has pointed out that those things themselves aren't the problem - it's about me being comfortable. i just don't want the stress of planning a wedding in the states, have 80+ people there, and have my fiance and i not as comfortable. i'm very introverted and get stressed to unhealthy levels easily. i'd be rather miserable if that's how my wedding turned out. i wouldn't be looking forward to it and wouldn't feel like having it. that's the main reason we want to get married here, but it's also not a good financial decision. neither of us have a lot of money and it cost us over €6000 each for the training and resources to go to africa. my parents are understandably upset that they won't be at their daughter's wedding. my close friends are disappointed, but they are excited for me and understand why and support me in having a wedding of just us here. i also got the feeling my parents aren't too happy with us engaged (my mom didn't think i should be dating him because in short she doesn't think i have the same calling in life). when i skyped them and told them i got really depressed for about a week; i hardly let my fiance touch me. i knew it wouldn't go well, but so many things made it hurt. it hurt because they were hurting, it hurt because they didn't understand, it hurt because i felt so torn between what we want for a wedding and doing what my parents want. i talked with the head of the program, she's been a wonderful mentor, and she told me it will be hard for them because they are used to having control when i was living in their house (their house, their rules) but now i'm taking that away from them. this is the first time they don't get a say and i don't need permission. my fiance will support me in whatever i want for the wedding. he does have a preference for it to just be us, but he hadn't even mentioned it until i asked (i'm the one who suggested getting married here). he's just really concerned that the one wedding we get won't be something i wish we did differently. but i feel like i'm being so inconsiderate of my family, obviously they want to be at my wedding. i'm sure my dad has dreamed of walking me down the isle. my sister told me that i don't realize how many years it will hurt the family by doing this. they make me feel like i'm being foolish and ruining relationships. does going through with this make me the asshole?

nta

nta- i eloped for the very same reasons. this is your wedding and your decision- don't let other people guilt you into doing anything you don't want to do.

nta - your wedding is your wedding! you should be comfortable and happy with how it happens. it isnt for your family and friends, it's for you. <3 congratulations to you both!

9rv14v

aita for yelling at my bf to grow up?

a few months ago my bf lost his job, and has been actively looking for work. he's turned down a few offers, but i don't care about this, i care bout the fight last night because i feel like the asshole here, however he's the kind of guy where if i admit it, he'll hold it tonme for a long time, so i wanna make sure it's right. since he lost his job, i've taken on the bills and rent. we have been late a few times, and i've sacrificed a few personal things so i can keep things afloat. when he gets money, he does give it to me to pay me back, so hes not freeloading. now since he lost his job, i've been taking extra hours, and my boss has allowed it. i now work anywhere from 45-60 hours a week, and sometimes work 16 hour days to make ends meet. this of course has affected my sleep schedule. some times i sleep all the way through my days off. here's the fight. yesterday was a day off, and because of me working so much i've been "neglectful" of both our physical needs. i promised we would fix that in the morning. cue me waking up, and he's ready. now i had gotten maybe 4 hours of sleep before this, so i was still tired. as we get started, i slip into sleep. when i wake up a few hours later he's irritated at me. me-babe im so sorry, i didn't mean to sleep. bf- no it's ok, you work a lot it's just...do you even wanna do this? me- what? bf- you never make time for me, your at work all the time, and when your home it's you and the tv, then you sleep. me- fucking kidding right? bf- no, i feel left out your life. like take a day off, spend some time with me, i feel left out, i feel a burden, i feel like you arnt in this all the way. me- grow the fuck up, i work for a place to live, i pay our shit. im tired, i wanna do things but i haven't been in the mood for so long because im so fucking tired. bf- i know you are, but just show me affection please. at this point i got up and got dressed for work. aita for telling him off like that? i know he's been on my back burner for a few months, but i don't think he gets im so tired all the time.

nta

gonna go with nta on this one. i understand where your boyfriend is coming from, and you could have been a little nicer, but ultimately you're right. apparently, you have been providing for both of you and must be exhausted constantly in order to help him out while he is out of a job. i don't know why he is turning down jobs, but it's obviously hard for you to have to pay for everything yourself. him saying, "i feel like you aren't in this all the way" therefore is a completely unjustified accusation, since you have been making sacrifices to keep you both afloat. i know the job market is tough, and i also understand wanting to wait for the right position, but couldn't he also work part-time to help you out a little? since i don't know what exactly his situation is, though, i don't wanna make any assumptions.

nta. i was in the same situation but reversed, i had no job for about 5 months and my boyfriend worked extra hard and did a lot for me, taking on the bills and rent and all that. basically all i did was look for jobs, clean, cook, and did the grocery shopping. he worked, slept, and played video games/ watched tv when he had time off. it was kinda hard (not much time for me, etc) but honestly i was so grateful for him and your bf should be too. he should take a step back and realize how much you’re really doing for him

9rv14w

aita for saying heck on christian minecraft server?

so there is this christian minecraft server and i said "heck" then one of the admins told me i am hopeless and banned me for swearing aita?

nta

not on my christian server! lol nta.

nta. now if you had said worse that would be different or if it had been a warning and you did it again.

9rwdbv

aita for uninviting my sister to my wedding

my husband and i got married in june. initially i had asked my step sister (we'll call her j) to be my maid of honor and she accepted. we had been very very close since we were eight years old. this is where it gets complicated.. my sister's current boyfriend (we'll call him r) is my best friend's (we'll call her m) ex boyfriend. i asked m to be one of my bridesmaids and j did not like that. she voiced her opinion about it and i did not think it was a big deal since m was bringing her current very serious boyfriend. just for context my sister and bestfriend had been really good friends up until she started dating r. i have always thought r was a horrible influence and never really liked him much, but hey whatever makes her happy. months leading to the wedding m was doing everything she could to help me plan my wedding. she went with me to craft stores, helped me home make everything, and even went dress shopping with me. i tried to get j involved but everytime i invited her (days ahead) she would agree and then never show up. never asked me how the wedding planning was going. one day i showed up at her house to talk cause i felt bad, and thought maybe she just didnt want to be around m. we talk for awhile and then she pulls out some coke. i told her i dont do stuff like that and that we could have some drinks instead. so she proceeded to do what looked to be a lot. i left shortly after. a few days go by and i try to give her a call and ask if she would like to go look at flowers with me. i knew it was her day off and i had seen her posting about doing nothing all day on social media. she asked me to pick her up and when i walked in r was also there. they started doing drugs together and then started bragging about how they stole something pretty expensive from a local store, and even hid from police. this was extreme behavior from her and i became worried. i tried to call her and talk about it and she started getting defensive and saying some mean things. there is a lot of background to this so i do apologize. i have a pretty serious history with domestic violence and depression, but it was years and years ago. she knows this. she would tell me how i need to just kill myself or call me an idiot for staying with my abusive ex for as long as i did. among other more serious things. that was the last time i tried to talk to her for a while. it really hurt me that she could say such hurtful things when i was only trying to check on her. a week or so after saying all of that she reached out to try and fix it. i talked to her and thought everything was okay. she then started texting me about how she was gonna punch m at my wedding, smoke weed at my wedding, and vandalize my brothers truck. that was the last straw and i told her to not even bother showing up. her dad (my stepfather) has a history with substance abuse and she was acting exactly how he acts. it wasnt the last time she stole, she ended up robbing some place a few months later but i'm unsure of the details. she also continued her new drug habit. i feel bad everyday that i didnt get to share my wedding with my sister. she seemed uninterested in the whole thing and chose r over our plans everytime. she was turning into a person i didnt wanna be around. i still text her family to check up on her but she never tried reaching out. am i the asshole?

nta

nta. is she a child, because she sure is acting like one. she threatened to ruin your wedding, after you asked her to be your maid of honor. screw her.

nta, dont worry and enjoy your wedding. congratulations!

9rwj2s

aita for being upset my ex slept with my roommate?

i was in a relationship with this girl for about two and a half years and over the summer we started having problems because her sex drive completely crashed. she apparently felt like i was pressuring her into sex, even though we almost never had sex, and ended up breaking up with me for it. i was living with her, and ended up having to move into a house with 6 of my friends. two weeks after we broke up, she came into the house when i was gone and slept with one of my roommates. i specifically asked both of them not to sleep together knowing it would really fuck up my mental health because i knew they had made out a few days after we broke up, but they did it anyway. now, almost all of her and i's mutual friends are taking her side and saying that it's dumb of me to tell her who she can and can't have sex with and if i have a problem with that, then it's my problem to deal with. i guess i just feel like it's shitty to sleep with your ex's roommate especially so soon after the break up regardless of the circumstances. i can't imagine ever doing anything like that to her even though one of her close friends made advances on me after the break up. i just don't know if i'm being a shitty person for being upset over all of this.

nta

nta for feelings how you feel. kind of an asshole for telling her who she can or can’t sleep with because she is allowed to sleep with and be with whoever she wants. if you want someone to be mad at it should be your roommate, who is presumably your friend and should have taken your feelings into account.

nta oh i could write a whole paper about this lol very similar thing happened to me like 2 months ago, that's a really difficult situation man. i'm super sorry.

9rwmxq

aita for reporting safety issues at work, against my co-workers wishes?

i work in a chemical production plant. we recently ran in to trouble at work and ran out of proper containers so upper management had us pour it in to these knit sacks. we fill them to about 2500lbs. normally sacks are shipped out to other places, while the other bins are used for in house work. once more space was made, upper management then wanted us to transfer those sacks back in to bins. the problem is, none of this is set-up for what they wanted us to do and as a direct result we had to use a crane to bring the sacks over the bins to empty them. unfortunately it also involved us having to physically put ourselves between the bin and sack to open them up and drain them. i wasn't happy but we just did it. they wanted us to do it again and i refused. i explained it wasn't safe and we were risking out hands, arms and heads under 2500lbs of product. i also pointed out that the safety standards for things like cranes and forklifts is that you should never stand directly under the load in case of a emergency situation. this is a osha standard. this ended up in a whole big mess where i was arguing with upper management. later, my co-workers said to just deal with it and do it, they don't *want* extra attention to their department. but i wasn't happy with the lack of safety going on and called osha. who contacted the safety supervisor at work, who had no idea this nonsense was going on and decided to start and investigation. turns out there was a ton of safety regulations being violated, ones i didn't even know about and now we are having a full investigation and audit. if you've ever had this happen at work it's a huge pain in the ass. anyways, now my co-workers are pissed off at me and told me i should have, "just shut my damn mouth and did my job." to be honest, someone else could have just done the job and avoided all of this, but for me it's about the principal of the thing. am i the asshole here?

nta

nta. i didn’t even have to read past the first paragraph to realize that this is totally unacceptable. it’s probably a crime too, to put workers in danger due to being too fucking cheap to buy enough containers for whatever nasty, weird chemicals you are making them expose themselves to. your coworkers were the assholes for trying to shut up and let you get poisoned or crushed.

yea, everyone thinks you’re an ass until someone gets crushed, burned, blinded, or otherwise maimed. i bet your safety officer doesn’t think you’re an asshole. i am firmly in nta

9rwunm

aita for having a party while my friends grandfather is dying?

this is my first post on this sub so sorry if it’s different. so today i planned on having some friends over and then all the sudden one of them says his grandfather had a hearth attack and is in the er. i still continued with planning the party. now my friends grandfather is brain dead and is going to be cut off life support, but i’m still going to have the party (i didn’t tell my friend who’s grandfather is dying that i’m having the party). aita

nta

nta, just be sure to give your friend support regardless, obviously.

nta, but depends on how close you are to the friend. if you're their best friend, i'd go support them. if not, continue. you did the right thing by not telling them, obviously.

9rx9eo

wibta if i approached his girlfriend?

we were together for four months, and our relationship was wonderful. he became so important to me. he left when things got rough, but a couple months later, he was "back again". not quite with me but also not quite platonic. he told me there was a girl he's known and truly loved for a year, and that i was just a hole to fuck. i once meant something to him, but he still loved her while he got bored of me. i found this out 15 minutes after we got dressed the last time. i was hurt, in some part that he used me, and in some part that he was lying to both of us. he wasn't going to tell her, and that's fine. but i wanted to be a good person and apologise to her. i still do. when i said that, he threatened me. i've seen my share of abusive relationships, and i worries for her. i want to tell her everything. i want her to be safe. but he keeps calling me a piece of shit, saying that it's my fault she's going to be in pain - my fault because if i don't say anything about him cheating on her, she won't know and she won't be hurt. i feel like the asshole, but i want to do good. i want her to be safe and with someone who deserves her. i don't want her to be hurt, or hit like i was.

nta

nta. you didn’t cheat on his girlfriend

ehh, nta but stipulation is you might look like one. if he’s a manipulative abuser he will be able to spin it so you look crazy and she still trusts him. just be prepared that she might not be receptive. so sorry you’re going through this. i’ve found a lot of helpful education and support in these forums: r/emotionalabuse and r/narcissisticabuse

9rxf5i

aita for going after a girl who rejected me until the point where the school intervened?

so, throwaway for obvious reasons. this story consists of two people, me, and this girl. i need to get it straight that i loved her _a lot_. like, i would have married her if we were older and going out. at the time i didn't regret any of this. so it was the day before valentine's day and i plucked up the courage to ask her out. she tells me no but that i'm really sweet and that she's sorry it's how she feels. she also added that if i gave her a few months, "maybe" she'd develop feelings for me. about a month later, i'm still madly in love with this girl and decide to try again. i wrote a song about her and sent it to her, which she said she really liked so i got more hopeful. i wrote another one (looking back the lyrics are quite cringy) and sent it. she liked it and said no one had said things so nice about her. she was really keeping my hopes up (and we did flirt a bit anyway) but still doesn't like me. around another month later i write a letter straight from my heart to her about how i really feel. this letter contains some pretty deep stuff, and i make sure to put it in an envelope and pit "read when alone" on it. her being stupid she opens it and reads it while in a lesson at school when her friends are around her. the rest of the class hear (because she's reading it out loud) and eventually the teacher catches on and goes to one of the heads of year because they're concerned (she actually texted me later saying the letter was sweet but she already knew my feelings for her and didn't need the letter). the school then starts an investigation and talk to the girl and she tells them about me asking her out and writing the songs (i think she told them about everything because we had a falling out a few days before). they decide that i've don't something really wrong. they make me go to see a doctor to talk about the situation (or else they'd bring someone in to talk to me). i get a day in insolation (in a room for the whole day in silence doing work) and the news spreads and people gossip about it for the next few months. basically, my friends all think this is creepy but i say i was just doing it out of true love and that they don't know what it feels like. bare in mind i have come to kind of regret it now. i didn't intend on anything bad happening and i'd really like some opinions.

yta

yta and this is creepy. i really hope you’ve matured and understand how completely inappropriate this was. a) you can’t say that you love someone enough to marry them when you don’t know them well, aren’t good friends with them, and haven’t dated them. b) she may have been leading you on a little, but you hit obsession. in middle/high school you might be able to get away with this. not when you’re older. my guess is that there was more to this story, and with details it would read a lot more like stalking. c) if someone isn’t interested there is nothing you can do to change that. don’t chase after them forever.

dude.. yta. you used a lot of words here to make it sound like your actions were warranted, and they weren’t. she told you no the first time. it doesn’t matter if she said some random “maybe in a few months.” that is a nice way of saying no and letting you down easy. if your mom says “not today, maybe tomorrow” does that mean yes? maybe to you it does, but not the rest of the world. i seriously think this would be a great time for you to recognize your behavior and seek help. true love requires two participating people. you cannot have true love with someone who has rejected you. this makes no sense, and is a cop out from actually admitting you are obsessed with someone. leave her alone and accept the help you’re actually about to receive. you’re creeping her out. yta.

9rxuir

aita for cheating?

i cheated. i’m not married but i am in a long term relationship. i genuinely don’t know how to explain this well so i’m just going to be blunt at the risk of sounding like an ass. my long term boyfriend is amazing. i love being with him and he’s the best thing that ever happened to my kids (he can’t have children), i never thought i’d be so lucky as to meet someone like him, in the first year of our relationship he was literally perfect. constant sex, intimacy and just all round amazingness. however, after a year the intimacy and sex stopped. he was still awesome in every other way it’s just that he stopped being interested in me sexually and intimately. i thought i could cope with this because of how epic he was in everything else. it’s been 2 and a half years since we’ve had sex or any other intimate action. i thought i could cope with it. i thought i could sacrifice my own happiness for the good of my kids happiness. i really do genuinely love him in every other aspect of the relationship and i felt like i was ready to sacrifice my overall happiness for the sake of my kids and having a stable environment. don’t get me wrong, i spoke to him about the lack of sex and intimacy, i told him about how it was a big deal for me over and over again but he just laughed it off or he’d wait for me to fall asleep before coming to bed. i tried so hard to get him to see but i realised that he’s clearly a sexual or just a person that doesn’t need sex or intimacy. surely he should have told me this from the start? i’ve tried everything! he just avoids any sexual talk. anyway, long story short, i slept with someone else. i was tempted, feeling wanted and like a woman (after 3 and a half years he can’t even remember my eye colour) was too much for me to ignore. i slept with someone else and it was mind blowing. i feel like i should probably regret it but i feel like maybe sleeping with someone else fills the gap and completes me. i don’t want to finish with my guy but i also don’t want to stop sleeping with another person. am i an asshole? yeah i probably am

yta

yta. you should have talked to him prior, you should have explained how you have sexual desires and if they are not fulfilled, you will happily be his friend, but not his girlfriend.

yta. i feel bad for you, but it sounds like the whole "no sex" thing is a dealbreaker on the relationship. probably would have been best to acknowledge that *before* cheating, but what's done is done.

9ryd4s

aita for not wanting to hang out with friends i didn't invite over?

my roommate is inviting mutual friends over to drink at night, which i don't participate in, and they stay the night and he leaves in the morning and they're left to their own devices in the common areas. while i'm in my room watching netflix or sleeping. lately, they're starting to give me shit like "you sleep too much" "you spend too much time alone".. and it's annoying af! i tell them they can do nothing we me in my room anytime. also i work from 4a to 2p every weekday. i'm just tired.

nta

that would be uncomfortable for me. sounds like you need to have a conversation about boundaries with your roommate soon. nta.

nta. you are in the space you play to live in, not an guest. you get to do whatever you want, as long as you aren't making life hard for someone else. you get to decide how to spend your time, not your friends.

9rzb9o

aita for telling a friend my sat score?

okay, before i start, this may sound like i belong on r/iamverysmart, so apologies in advance, i'm not trying to make it sound like i'm a genius. in fact, i'm pretty stupid, just good at taking tests. that being said, today i was being driven home from a party by a friend's parents and she and i were in the back. we were discussing our sat scores as we'd just gotten them back and complaining about the curve (which sucks this year by the way, especially compared to the psat last year). i was telling her how i was unsatisfied with my score as i'd wanted something as close as possible to a 1600. now, my friend is super duper smart. she took ap calculus as a freshman, to give you an idea. so she told me how her sat score was lower than her psat score last year, and i expressed my condolences but reassured her she'd be fine since we can both take the sat again this year and next year. she asked me if i was comfortable sharing my sat score, and i said sure and told her. she went very quiet and told me her sat score, which was over 100 points below mine. i was kind of shocked since i considered her to be much smarter than me. so i tried to console her and be like "well i studied for it a little..." and she said she'd studied for months before. i felt really bad. i was trying to engage her and telling her that her score was fine (which it was!! way above average), but she wouldn't talk to me and i think she was kind of mad, because i'm not that smart and i barely studied and i still did better than her. i want to chalk it up to luck, but i feel really bad for making her feel insecure about this, especially since i had grounds to believe that my score was slightly higher than hers based on what she told me previously (just not over 100 points jfc). especially because she is still way, way smarter than me. i suspect i'm just better at taking tests. so, aita?

nta

nta, you clearly weren’t trying to rub it in her face.

nta. i have a reasonably high op (our schooling system in qld) that i don't really deserve based on work put in, and it's definitely an awkward topic when people ask. i just happen to like school - but i can't tell right from left and constantly do dumb shit, so you gotta stay humble

9rzy6d

aita for not wanting my girlfriend to visit for a weekend because i want to play video games?

my girlfriend and i go to different colleges a three hours drive away. ever since we both started in september, she’s been driving down to visit me every other week (literally), and i haven’t been doing the same because, well, i don’t have a car and i can’t drive. already, i feel like that many visits is a lot compared to other relationships and i don’t want my girlfriend to exhaust herself but hey, she wants to do it, and i get to see her, so who am i to complain? in a few weeks, there’s going to be a one time event in a video game i’m really into that i’d like to take advantage of for the entire weekend, and i think i won’t be able to do that if she’s there because i don’t want to feel like i’m neglecting her. problem is, she’s supposed to (or wanted to) come that weekend. typically i’d never pick video games over her but this is something i really really want to do. for context, two weeks after the weekend she was supposed to visit is our thanksgiving break, which we’ve planned to have her drive down and spend the first half of the week with me then drive back up to our hometown and spend time with our families. i asked her not to come that weekend with all of the reasoning mentioned above. i didn't want to tell her right before she came so i let her know a feels before. at first she got mad and stopped texting me for a bit, but she cooled off and after we talked a bit more we got back to our normal conversations and such, and she seems ok with it. however, i still kinda feel guilty about it and i’m not sure if it was entirely justified. am i the asshole for asking her not to come? i feel like the amount of visiting is a lot compared to other couples and we’re gonna spend the week with each other a few weeks afterwards anyways, but something still doesn't sit right in my gut. did i make the wrong decision?

nta

nta because it's perfectly fine for you to have hobbies. sometimes those hobbies conflict with other things. that said, i think seeing each other, what, like <10 days? a month is very low compared to most couples. if my so said that felt like a lot of time to be around me, i'd be kind of crushed. you're practically in a ldr and if your gf is upset, it could be because it seems like you're more content spending less time with her than she is with you. i don't fault you at all for wanting to participate in this event and you're right, it makes no sense for her to make that drive just to feel neglected. i just think, if you want the relationship to last, you realllly got to make sure you tell/show your gf how much you appreciate her making those drives and how much they mean to you. though, if you don't appreciate the frequency, that's something you're going to have to face eventually, too.

nta. she’s not the asshole either for feeling a bit hurt though. did you offer for her to be able to just *be* there with you during that weekend with the understanding that you would basically heads down in your game? would that have been feasible? is she supportive of your hobby? i can respect that sometimes we all need to have our secret gardens but especially for a distance thing i imagine that she just wants to be around you even if you aren’t doing something together. maybe she brings her school shit and just gets a bunch of work done during your game-a-thon in the same room, and maybe you turn it into a cozy experience by preparing with all sorts of snacks since the event doesn’t start (or you won’t be taking full advantage of it) until the weekend. maybe the main thing is having someone to snuggle with and fall asleep with at night. i could see how skipping straight to “i don’t want you to be here this weekend” vs “hey if you are coming this weekend, i’d like to do things a bit differently because of this thing that you know is important to me” would be hurtful. instead of working through what would be the best option for both of you, you’ve made the decision for her to be excluded and then any bargaining from her makes her look like a needy/crazy gf. i could totally see her interpreting this as being on different pages with the priority of your relationship. if that wouldn’t be feasible, then maybe you guys shouldn’t be dating? being able to just appreciate each other’s presence without doing anything together is a huge part of making things work long term. you’re not going to want to do the same things all the time and compromising on what to do all the damn time just makes the relationship feel like a chore. a little can go a long way in terms of giving attention in the midst of your hobby. my husband knows i get really fucking absorbed into a good video game or boardgame. we will be in the same apartment but in totally fucking different universes sometimes. what makes all the difference in the world to him is that when i get up to go to the restroom or when i get a snack or whatever i find him and give him some quick and simple affection/attention.

9s0qr4

aita for setting out two clear bags of toys near the road

six days before trash pick up? i cleaned out my sons room and set two clear garbage bags of toys by the road. i planned on putting a curb alert up, letting people know my location so anyone could pick them up for free. not even ten minutes after i set the bags by the road, my neighbor came knocking on my door asking why i put trash out 6 days before pick up and that it looked ‘trashy’ to have that out for trick or treaters when they come. i was shocked and just told her i’d bring them back into the garage. but it really pissed me off bc she doesn’t pay my mortgage. now i want to maliciously comply and on halloween, i want to create a ‘toy graveyard’ and sprinkle the toys all over my yard with some tombstones. would that be taking it too far?

nta

nta. i would have told her that she can take them and donate them to a resale shop if she had a problem with it.

nta. but if you get revenge it'll just get worse for everyone. sucks your neighbor is a jerk.

9s0v8y

aita for helping a married guy realize he didn’t want to be with his wife anymore?

last year, i met on guy on tinder. after texting for a few days, i noticed that there were several details of what he was saying that didn’t add up. on a hunch, i asked him if he was married. embarrassed, he admitted that he is indeed married though him and his wife are poly. he told me i should come meet her. i’ve never dated a poly guy before but we had such great initial chemistry that i was willing to give it a try. sweetest guy ever. always took me out to fancy places and he genuinely seemed to listen when i spoke. his wife was amazing too. she thought i was adorable and approved of the relationship. the downside was, he told me i’m an equal to his wife but he never treated me like it. for example, i invited him to a haunted house that his wife also wanted to go to and he said he had to do it with her first. i also can’t see the equality when he sleeps with her every night and i’m alone in my apartment. he also had sex toys he used with his wife that he attempted to share with me (hell no). after a few months, i decided that it was too exhausting for me. monogamy is my thing and i gave his lifestyle a try but i couldn’t do it. the day i broke it off, he admitted to me he was falling in love with me. we went our separate ways. then six months later (a few days ago) he texts me out of nowhere. we exchanged pleasantries and then he lets me know he’s separated from his wife and moved out. he also thanked me for helping him realize how dissatisfied he had been with his wife, after all the years of marriage, and i opened his eyes to that. i’m mortified. i have her phone number but i’m too ashamed to reach out to her and apologize for everything. i feel like an asshole. is there even a possibility here that i’m not an asshole!? lesson learned for me... stay away from married poly guys, especially since i’m monogamous.

nta

nta, don't take credit just because something he says. he probably thought it would somehow convince you to go out with him again.

nta. i personally wouldn't believe him that it was you that inspired him to leave his wife. and don't put that on yourself. unless i skipped the part where you mentioned telling him he was miserable with her, or that he should leave her; you had nothing to do with his decision. the most culpability that you can claim is that you reminded him what a healthy relationship feels like and he missed that from his wife.

9s0ztl

aita for telling my gf's dad she was raped after she cheated on me

when i first started dating this girl six months ago our love i fell madly in love very quickly. we talked every day for hours, it was honestly probably too much. she asked me if i was going to marry her one day, and i foolishly had said yes. it was planned for after i came back from three months overseas for a job. a month into our relationship she was date-raped at a party and was suicidal for a long time, she was mortified of telling her father and how he would react, i stayed up every night and made sure she got through it all, some nights i couldn't sleep. fast forward to now, she calls me nearly in tears, from the house of the man she is cheating on me with, telling me she had feeling for him and everything. this was after her telling me i was paranoid about her talking to a other guys occasionally. in a fit of rage i messaged her father on facebook and told her, in the moment and even now i couldn't care less about her, but reddit, aita?

yta

yta for the **reason** you told her father. if it came out of a genuine place of care and concern, no - but you divulged it as an act of petty revenge. no doubt that what she did was awful but that doesn't justify what you did imo.

yta, you just used someone's sexual trauma for revenge and that my man makes you a piece of shit.

9s235x

aita for dating my bff's younger cousin?

my bff has been abroad for studies for a couple years now. we stay in touch on whatsapp mostly, and meet when she's here over the summer. she will be abroad for the foreseeable future (another 5-7 years). her younger cousin (27m) moved to our hometown about a year ago, having recently come out of a pretty rough situation. (for context, i am 34f). he's a sweet guy, and got mixed up in some shady shit in another city that he has since worked hard to pull himself out of (mostly addiction related). anyway i invited him to come and gym with me a few times, and we got to gyming regularly and hanging out over the months. we talked a lot, and shared stuff, he was in therapy and practicing being emotionally honest, and i realized i was able to open up to him a lot about some of my past demons. however, i always saw him as my friend's younger cousin that i was supposed to keep an eye out for (or tried to), and so - i think even when i started developing feelings for him (physical and emotional) i tried to keep them under wraps because a) his age and b) bff's cousin and c) i just wasn't sure if i wanted to be in a relationship with anyone. but we were definitely vibing - i could tell he liked me too. things came to a head this august when my bff had gone back abroad after summer break. it's been about a year that me and cousin have been hanging out. so he asked me out, said he liked me. i initially declined, but then thought about it and figured hey, why the fuck not. i like him, fuck the age difference, and i want to live my life without fears always leading me (has been an issue for me in the past - fears and anxieties get in the way of me actually going after anything for real). in this case, the fear of stigma, and of bff's reaction. which was -- not good. i told cousin yes, and a few days later told my bff about it when we whatsapp called - that him and me were going out, and serious about each other. i knew she'd be weirded out by the news, but i didn't expect her to cut me off completely. so of course she was very put out - i understand it can be weird if your friend ends up with your sibling or cousin (who you view as a sibling). in the ensuing few days she sent me some very upset texts, and said she felt 'betrayed' and didn't understand how i could view our relationship as one in which this action is not a betrayal. we haven't talked since, though i've messaged saying that i understand, and that i'm here whenever she wants to talk. but it's been close to a month now and no word from her. i talked to my mother and sister-in-law about it, and they did not see how it would be a betrayal. so i'm torn. &#x200b; for context: i think some of this may be coming from the 'out of blue' nature of the update: me and bff never really talked about cousin much, and she generally does not have a good relationship with any of her family (immediate or extended), although she gets along fine with him and thinks he is alright. they used to be quite close at one point. but she keeps the friend world and the family world very separate. &#x200b; so am i the asshole? should i have stayed away from her cousin? should i have said fuck it, this will be weird for bff? or maybe that he has been in a dark place and he was vulnerable and his feelings for me are just based on feeling good generally after a period of shittiness?

nta

nta you are two grown consenting adults. i don't see where the drama is. actually i find her behaviour and sense of betrayal really odd.

nta. you're 34....not 14. what the hell is she talking about? the only way this would be betrayal is if she had some kind of incestuous feelings for him. not your problem. enjoy the relationship.

9s2spi

aita for getting unethical revenge on a sexual harraser?

this might be a bit long, so i'm sorry in advance. this whole episode went down about a year ago. basically, i was doing an exchange program at a college in japan. the classes were all co educational with japanese and foreign students. my program only had about 35 or so people, so almost everyone was on a first name basis with each other and we were a fairly tight knit group. because of this, we often had class parties where everyone hung out and talked/drank/etc... at one of these parties, i noticed that one of my female japanese friends was being cornered and forced to talk with another american exchange student, and was looking a little bit uncomfortable. i went over and asked her if she could go help me get more drinks from the supermarket, and she used the excuse to hurry out of there. from now on, i'm going to call this dickhead "d" i was hoping this would be a one and done thing, but in the following days i noticed that my friend seemed a little on edge around d. one day, i pretty much layed it out and asked her if the incident at the party was bothering her and if there was anything i could do about it. she confided in me that d had also been begging her to date him, sending her explicit messages about what he would "do to her", and messaging her dick pics even after she asked him to stop. apparently that party wasn't the first time he'd cornered her either, and he had a pretty significant size advantage on her too, so it was easy to see why she was so intimidated. after she told me all that, i gotta admit, i was pretty furious. i urged her to report that kind of thing to the dean, or the police, but she told that she did not want to tell the adminstrators or authorities about it. while i'm no expert on japanese culture or criminal procedure, but she made it sound like there was a significant chance she might get brushed off or not believed if she escalated it. plus once word got back to d, she might have a pissed off white guy on her ass with 50 pounds and a foot on her. normally i'm a goody two shoes, but at that point i was willing to do anything short of an ass beating (had to think of my visa) to get back at this asshole. my chance came a few weeks later, when i got invited to a gaming discord group with some of the other guys from my program, including d. i was reading back in old chats, because i was still trying to read up on this guy. concincidentally, i happened upon an exchange where him and the other guys were joking around by messaging each other weird porn in the chat. it was mostly pretty ridiculous stuff, like that spider porn video and shit like that, until i spotted it: in the chat d had posted a picture of "lolicon" hentai (drawn child porn for those who don't know). i screenshotted it fast and saved it on my computer. i debated back and forth for a while, but eventually i did it. i cropped the screenshot i had taken of d's "lolicon" message and uploaded it on social media. when i posted it, i cut off the joking context, and essentially painted d as a bona fide pedophile and myself as a "whistleblower" so to speak. i thought that everyone would look at him weird and whisper behind his back, and that it would humilate him but eventually blow over. i was dead wrong on that. my post "blew up" about as much as it could have in a social media group with less than 100 people. i had a reputation as being good student and pretty serious guy, so a lot of people took my post at face value. apparently, i also wasn't the only one with a bone to pick with d, and soon a bunch of people had come forwards with accounts of him being creepy or harrassing them. all his friends cut him off to avoid being associated with the drama, and eventually someone forwarded the school staff the pictures/reports about d. i don't know what happened to him, but he didn't come back at the start of the next semester. from what i've seen of his social media, he hasn't really recovered yet. i saw him posting on some depression support type groups, which is actually what prompted me to make this post. while i know he probably deserved to be called out, i dont want him to kill himself or anything. i can't help but feel like a real dick, both for betraying my own morals and for letting it get so out of hand. i don't know if i should apologize to him, or just let sleeping dogs lie. tldr: i cherry picked photographs from a discord chat to make a guy who sexually harrased my friend look like a kiddy-fiddler, smearing his reputation in the process.

yta

the way you went about it? yea, yta a bit. that's just not something that should be lied about, it's far too serious a thing. branding him a pervert is one thing, but you crossed the line into criminal perversion of the absolute worst sort. that said, i wouldn't try to make amends with him. i think knowing your reasoning wouldn't help him move past this, and he honestly needs to. it was hugely destructive to his life, it sounds like. you swatted a mosquito with a grenade. live with what you did and leave him alone.

60/40, yta. he was absolutely an asshole; you fought fire with fire. the reaction people would have to his posting child porn, sans context, should not have surprised you. the consequences for him being more severe than you anticipated is a consequence you'll have to live with.

9s396i

aita for being a flake?

this is gonna be a bit long. me and my best friend have been friends for about 5 years now, and just to make it clear, it's true that i do have a tendency to flake when it comes to her planning events. i am fully aware of this problem. so just a bit of backstory, over the years she's noticed that fact that if we have something planned, i'll express that i really don't want to go or just cancel the day before or day of (the reason never has anything to do with her, it's usually just me being antisocial). she hates the fact that she puts time and effort into things only for me to leave the plans. i know those were asshole moves, so i don't need to be told. she confronted me about it back in like march or april, and we sorted it out. i promised it wouldn't do it again, and until just recently, i really hadn't. fast forward to 3 days ago, which was a thursday. it's halloween soon and we're in college so of course she wanted to go out to party. i said i'd come. i get to her apartment and i get dressed, but all the while i'm thinking about all the responsibility i have. i had homework due that night, my mother (who is also in school) wanted me to correct her papers before submission, and i had a ton of reading too. i started feeling bad about it, and after i had already gotten dressed i told her and her roommate (who was coming along) that i was backing out. of course she got mad at me and started raising her voice at me. after a couple seconds, she's says "okay" like she's done talking, leaves the room to take some shots with her roommate and then leaves me in the apartment soon after. after correcting my mom's paper i gather my stuff and leave her apartment too. she hasn't spoken to me since. on the first day i felt guilty, and when we argue i'm always the one who tries to go patch it up asap, so of course that's what i tried to do. when i texted she ignored it, when i call she hangs up without answering. it's been 3 days and i honestly think she's going too far. i no longer feel guilty, i just feel like she's being childish for not even trying to make this better. all this time alone with my thoughts is turning my opinions around and filling me up with apathy for her, and i dislike that. i love her to death but i'm not going to stretch myself that far to fix something when she doesn't even want to talk to me. aita?

yta

yta mostly for the final paragraph. you did a thing that upset her, a thing that you promised not to do again, because you knew it upset her. she has continued to be sufficiently upset that she hasn't talked to you for a few days, and that's enough for you to feel absolved of your guilt, and feel overly stretched by the effort of texting her a few times? yikes. imagine how short your friendship would have been if she had as short a tolerance as you.

yta. you’re on the road to experiencing life with only casual friends who don’t make much of an effort to include you in things. you might not like it, and you might regret the way you threw this friend away.

9s3xp0

aita for not really doing anything for my daughter’s birthday?

alright, i feel pretty bad about this already but i’m posting it here for your thoughts. my daughter just turned 14, and all we did for her birthday was order two pizzas and watch rocky horror. i didn’t even get her jack shit. she blew out a fucking meatball after we put a candle on it because there wasn’t any cake or anything. we did have a nice breakfast, but it was rushed because i had work and she had school. her science teacher even gave her a card and all i did was do the time warp. she insisted that it was fine and that she had fun regardless, but i’m worried that she’s just lying because she doesn’t want me to feel like crap. (she has done this many times before) to make things worse, we did a lot more for her brother’s birthday. he got two very large detailed cookbooks that were both more expensive than i’d care to admit and we drove for about an hour so we could go on a bike trail. adding even more insult to injury, my daughter not only made him a cheesecake, but, on my birthday, called my sister to find out my favorite type of cake and made it without me knowing. i definitely know i’m an asshole to some degree, but i want to know just how big of an ass i really am. sorry if the formatting is weird, on mobille

yta

yta, and a decent sized one. you did way more for her brothers birthday. how do you think that makes her feel? the least you could do is make/buy her a cake. she sounds like a sweet girl who does a lot for those around her, she deserves more than what she got for her birthday. make it up to her.

yta, no question, especially in the context of what you did for her brother’s birthday in relation to what you did for hers. i’m curious though, op, why you felt like that was okay behavior to begin with? i know you mentioned already feeling bad about it, but what about it in the beginning made you feel like all of this was fine to do?

9s4g9o

aita for being upset with a friend for inviting someone we don't know to a friend meetup?

backstory, a couple of my friends were gonna meet up at a theme park because the tickets were cheap, we planned to go about 2 weeks in advance and already knew who was, and who wasn't going... mostly. &#x200b; one of my friends decided on his own to invite his cousin (and two other people, including his now ex-girlfriend, all of which we didn't know) without telling us, and only told us the day before. he says that the more people the more fun, and that we shouldn't be upset with him, even though he lied about inviting him once we got mad at him. so, am i the asshole? edit: details

nta

nta, if it's just a group of friends going who all know each other, then it's nice to check with everyone before inviting more people

nta, but neither is he. this is a classic introvert vs extrovert divide - you wanted an intimate gathering with folks you knew well, and he wanted a par-tay. it's a breakdown in communication, nothing more. now, in the fallout that you haven't posted, assholery may show up.

9s4jmd

aita for not wanting to date someone obese?

this conversation popped up with me and a few friends, we were talking about how someone's weight affects your view of them and such. now i think everyone can agree you're not inclined to be with anybody, but my argument was that even if i did like somebody's personality if they were extremely unhealthy i still wouldn't want to be with them. having been obese/overweight up to my teenage years, i know first hand how that kind of lifestyle would make me feel and being in a relationship is sharing a whole part of your life with someone else in a sense. i just don't think i could handle being around that kind of thing on the daily, and it makes me feel like an ass because i don't think looks are everything, but being severely unhealthy(i don't mean overweight) is just a huge dealbreaker for me.

nta

you like what you like. nta for not wanting to date someone you're not attracted to. theres a difference between not being attracted to someone because of their weight and actively hating on someone because of their weight. so no you aren't the asshole.

nta. you're into what your into. can't help that.

9s53p7

aita for not babysitting for my sister last minute

my sister jules and her husband erick are in their mid-thirties. they have three kids under the age of five. erick works as a trucker, jules works at an office. daycare in the area is expensive, so my retired mom takes care of the kids during the week for them [7am to 5pm]. i live in the basement of my mom's house and pay rent/utilities. i don't really see my mom that often, as i am up at 6 am for classes, then heading to work after that. the one day i have off from work is filled with elective classes [art, tennis, and swimming] because apparently those are needed for my degree. i tend to get home at 8pm, eat dinner, then do homework until 11pm. after that i sleep, repeat. i have monday off from work to catch up on all the homework i have, so i am busy even if i am at home. i am right in the middle of studying for a huge test i have in math [which i suck at] and my boyfriend has been tutoring me. last weekend my aunt betsy was in a car accident and sadly passed away. i didn't know her very well, but she was a great woman and my mom's twin. so she flew out the same day and i have been taking care of her pets as well as my own cat, my stuff, her stuff. it's just been super busy. well, this morning i woke up at 7am to my sister blowing up my phone asking to be let in. i went upstairs and she has all three kids ready to go. she tells me that her work called a last minute meeting and she needs to attend. i have a shift in two hours and told her no. i thought i was nice about it, but she got super upset and told me mom said i would do it. mom knows i don't have time to babysit. i ask where she said it and jules shows me a text. it is pretty much jules asking mom when she is coming back [not until december 10th] and then jules asked what she is supposed to do with the kids. mom said: *idk julie, ask your sister if you need help. she might have time to help. ask. but i am not going to be home anytime soon. i am sorry but that's just how it is. i have a life as well.* apparently ask means show up with the kids. i told jules no. i said i have work of my own and i am not missing it. jules told me it was just for a few days. i said no again and closed the door. she tried to call me, but i turned off my phone and got ready for work. jules later texted me asking if i could babysit tomorrow or any time this week. i told her no. i couldn't. i didn't have time. she called me a bitch. my mom called and asked why jules was crying on the phone about me not babysitting. i told her what happened. she said it would have been nice to call in sick, since i never did. but i pointed out what happened if i got sick and needed those days? it is not my responsibility to make sure someone else can get to work, when i have work. i just wanted to know what people thought.

nta

nta at all. your sister is a gigantic asshole on several levels. 1) she's in her mid thirties and she still calls her mommy to sort out her problems? wtf? she has your phone number and doesnt need to involve your mother in this. 2) which brings me to number two. your mom just lost her twin sister and all your bratty entitled sister could think of is herself? your mom should be left to deal with the grief of suddenly losing her sister, but now has to worry about organising a baby sitter for your sister. and then your sister goes and exhausts some more emotional labour from your mom by crying to her that life isnt fair because everyone isnt bending over backwards to look after her kids. 3) she expects you to drop your work so that she wont have to. fuck that noise. i'm assuming she's also not willing to cover the rent money you'll be losing out on? 4) she decided to pop kids into the world, not you. not your damn problem. sure it would be nice if you had the time to watch the kids, but it would be a favour and not a god damn responsibility. i'm also assuming the kids aren't triplets? they cant afford daycare for the kids but they decide to pop out some more because it's not their problem right? tell her eric should have pulled out if daycare is so expensive. honestly she sounds like an entitled brat who needs a reality check.

nta ...... coming from a mum, i would never expect anyone to phone in sick to watch my children so i could go to work. but then again i wouldn't have children i couldnt afford to put in childcare so i could work either🤔 and thats why i'll never have my third baby.

9s5d5q

aita for pissing of my friend for leaving a party?

this happened last night and i still don't know what to think of it. some background info, i'm 18 and my friend is 19. his parents are late 30's and their friends ages were early to late 30's as well. &#x200b; so, i was at my friends house for a halloween party that his parents were throwing. everyone was drinking quite heavily and everything was going quite fine. later in the night i was pretty drunk and so was everyone else. i was siting on the living rooms couch and everyone else was near the kitchen area where there was a lot more chairs for everyone to sit on. &#x200b; i was managing the music which was playing very loud and while i was sitting there, one of the parents friends came and sat down beside me. she started to talk to me and i noticed she had an accent, i asked her where she was from and that i liked her voice. we kept talking and i found out she was from poland and had moved to here canada 10 years ago. &#x200b; i'm not sure how it was brought up but she asked me how old i thought she was. i guessed about 23-25 and she got this huge smile across her face and she told me she loved me. after she said that, she leaned over and kissed me on the cheek and rested her hand on my inner thigh. i was really upset that she did that but i tried to play it cool. i told her i was going to use the restroom so i could get away from her. as i started to get up she pushed down on my thigh and she asked me to wait. i looked at her and she leaned in to kiss me and i pulled myself back and fast walked to the bathroom. &#x200b; while walking towards the bathroom i headed to the door, put on my shoes, and went outside. my friend followed me out and asked me why i walked out. i told him what happened and he got really pissed off at me. he said "don't be a pussy, man the fuck up." i said "did you forget the fact that i have a girlfriend." and he said i shouldn't be so weird about it. i left and got my girlfriend to pick me up. &#x200b; this morning i texted him saying i was sorry and that i was a little freaked out. i thought he was mad and overreacted because he was drunk, but, he continued to rant and throw insults at me. we see each other very little and this was the first time we saw each other this year, so, that's why i feel like quite the asshole in this situation. he texted me and said "we barley get to see one another and you just leave over that. go fuck yourself." &#x200b; &#x200b;

nta

nta. you should never feel like you have to remain in a situation where you're being made to feel uncomfortable, and any decent friend would respect that.

nta, would this behavior be even remotely acceptable if the genders where swapped?

9s5oc6

aita for expecting money from a friend that threw up on my shoes?

last night i get a call from my friends girlfriend saying she needs help getting him home. it takes me 45 minutes to get him in the car as he’s drunk as hell and in the process i get punched in the chest and thrown-up on. my decision at the time was to throw away my shoes that are drenched in vomit expecting that when my friend wakes up he and i will split the price for some new ones and i’ll still take care of him all night. this morning he says it’s my fault that i threw them away and should have just washed them. now mind you they’re only $45 total, but aita for expecting him to pay me? he says i should have just done it out of being a good friend and i really don’t expect a true monetary value for the entire night of helping him out i’d wanna charge way more if there was an actual price on that, but i just want my shoes half paid for as i feel like i’d do the same for him.

nta

if i threw up on someone’s shoes i’d offer to pay the entire price of the shoe, especially since i’d be the one throwing up on them. he should think himself lucky you’re not expecting the whole price. nta

nope, no, nta. he threw up on your shoes. end of story. he should be paying you for new shoes if they're unwearable.

9s701k

aita for throwing someone's wet laundry on the floor?

i'm in college and the laundry room in each dorm hall only has 4 washers and dryers which can create a bit of tension for people trying to do their laundry. today i was trying to wash my towels and the laundry room was busy on the weekends as usual. i get my towels through the washer and into the dryer and i come back down an hour later to check on them and i see that they have been stopped halfway through the cycle (there is a timer on the machine and the only way to stop it is to open the machine). i check my towels and they are still damp so i put them back in and set a timer on my phone for 30 minutes. when i come back down i see that they are still not dry so i put them back in for another hour since the dryers only have one setting for time, but i set the timer on my phone for half and hour. i come back down after my timer has gone off to find my towels on top of the dryer, still damp with somebody else's clothes running in that dryer. i get pissed because this person just came along and took my stuff out of the dryer while it was still wet and threw their stuff in there. i take their clothes out of that dryer and threw it on the floor and i put my clothes in another dryer (since there were now two other free dryers) and after 15 minutes i came back down to discover dry towels. am i the asshole? tldr; somebody took my wet towels out of the dryer mid-cycle and put their stuff in there so i got pisses and threw their stuff on the floor and my towels only needed 15 more minutes in the dryer.

nta

nta. people need to learn to not mess with other people's clothes and to be ready for payback if they do. people messing with clothes is usually why i stayed with something to do so no one could slyly take out my clothes. do you think it actually took 2 hours for towels to dry? or do you think others had been taking out your stuff then putting it back damp when they were done. sounds like crappy dryers tbh. i'm still curious though.

i’d say a bit of both? i mean, absolutely nta, but putting them on the floor was a bit much if they could’ve been put on another washer or dryer. really depends on the cleanliness. but absolutely something i’ve done.

9s8ddz

aita for not wanting to game share with one of my closest friends?

to start i'd like to explain what game sharing is to those of you who dont know. game sharing is something you can do on playstation where you can give someone else your account information and allow them to log into your account on their system. this allows them to download all of your games and play them without buying them for themselves. i have a friend who is absolutely insistent on game sharing with me since i own red dead redemption 2. the problem i'm coming to is that my game library on playstation is easily worth several grand and he only owns a handful of games, none of which interest me. i dont feel comfortable sharing my account information and dont feel that i have anything to gain from this in the least. i've told him no several times but he keeps asking and keeps insisting that i gameshare with him. however on the same hand he has never done anything to cause me not to trust him, so why should i not allow him to play my games? i would still be able to play them even when he has them downloaded on his system too. i dont feel that i should have to share my games with him to be friends and i would gain absolutely nothing, only take risk for no return. is it selfish of me to not want to allow him access to my games library? am i an asshole for not wanting to give my friend access to my playstation account?

nta

it is not selfish, all relationships must have their limits. tell him it isn’t because you distrust him, but because it is too intrusive. like i love my mother but don’t want her to live in my house. nta.

nta, you’re not obligated to give him anything. especially that, he needs to quit asking. sounds like he’s trying to use you

9s94up

aita for no longer believing my friend who frequently falsely claims to have been sexually assaulted/raped?

this is a boy cried wolf scenario. i (22f) have this friend, let’s call her sarah (24f), who has a tendency to claim sexual assault and rape without any evidence. she has done it so many times that my friends and i have stopped believing her claims, stopped chasing after her, and we believe she is just doing it for attention and to see if we actually care about her. i know sexual assault is way too common and i have experienced it myself but she usually claims she’s been “assaulted” upwards of 5 separate times within very short periods of time (like 30mins) every single time we go out together. let me give you some background. i have known sarah for almost a year now and we go out drinking together almost every weekend sometimes alone but most of the times with friends. sarah has a tendency to run away from me or the group or just completely disappear. she is a very small (5’0”) and quite attractive so generally when she disappears we all panic and try to find her because heaven forbid something happens to her. at least that was our reaction the first several times she did this. when we do find her she is usually furious and crying always claiming she was assaulted several time while she was away from us claiming things like “3 guys tried to shove their fingers up my pussy” which she said last night. the claims never have any evidence behind them and she always ends up dropping them and saying they weren’t true. i tolerated her actions until last night. last night was one of the worse nights. the night started off great, my whole friend group was going out for halloween and we were all in costume and having a great time. we were getting ready to leave the bar we were at to head to the next one but sarah said she had to go to the bathroom really quick which was no problem, we told her we’d wait right outside the door. fast forward 15mins, i am sent in to the bathroom to try and find sarah and she isn’t in there. we still don’t know how she managed to exit the bathroom without one of the eight of us seeing her but she apparently did. now ensues the panic. when we couldn’t find her we all assumed the worst and started calling her phone and all of us looking around the absolutely packed bar trying to spot her. we were looking for 20mins before we finally found her crying outside saying that we all abandoned her and she tried calling all of us three times each on our phones, none of us had a single notification from her. she then gets super mad at all of us and especially mad at her boyfriend, lets call him zach (25m), who was with us searching for her this whole time. she then proceeded to tell us she had been assaulted 5 separate times while she was away from us (reminder that she purposefully had left us because we had not moved from the spot we told her we would wait for her to get done in the bathroom). (she discredited these claims this morning by saying she just wasn’t feeling good and wanted to go home and she wasn’t assaulted). at this point this was not even near the first time she had made false claims like this since almost every night we are out with her we all end up in this exact situation. she did exactly as she usually does when she makes these claims which is after she bitches us all out for “leaving her” she says she wants to be alone and then physically runs away from us. last night she ran down a really scary, dark alley by herself and i was the one who chased after her (i am not in super great shape so she was much faster than me), i caught up with her 3 blocks later. she was bawling again and said she wanted to walk the rest of the half mile home alone. i, of course, was completely against that. i cannot stress enough how hard i then proceeded to try and convince her to not walk home alone at 1am. i offered to buy her an uber to her house, zach’s house or even my house, walk with her to wherever she wanted to go, or convince her to go back to the group, but she turned down all of them and said she just wanted to be alone and no matter how hard i tried to convince her she just ran away from me again (i know i probably should have chased her again but this was like the 50th time i had been in this exact situation and every single time she ends up walking home alone) so i let her go and went back to the group. i informed the group of what happened and at this point all of our nights were pretty much ruined and we were all sober at this point after spending an hour dealing with sarah. so we decided to just grab some pizza and uber back to zach’s where sarah said she was going to walk. about 10mins later zach gets a call from sarah who claims she was raped by a taxi driver that saw her walking home and raped her in the backseat of the cab (before you jump to conclusions both last night and again this morning she said that this was not true). zach then informs us that she had claimed to have been raped 3 other occasions, all of which were not true, and this was new information to the rest of us because she only ever claimed assault (like groping) but never something as serious as rape before. we ubered back to zach’s where we found her curled up in a blanket on the front porch (zach had the keys) crying with a good samaritan sitting next to her comforting her and sarah was repeatedly saying she had been raped but kept changing her story about how it happened. her best friend, zach and i then led her into his apartment where she kept the act (that she had been raped) for about 10 more minutes. she dropped her act when zach confronted her about what happened and how she has claimed to have been raped several times before and why should we believe her now. to which she got really mad and started screaming at him. long story short zach and sarah fought (screamed at each other) for about 10 minutes before zach said “i’m done” and threw all her stuff out of his room and then locked her out of his room. meanwhile her best friend and i sat in the living room unsure if what we should do or if we should leave. when she realized zach was actually done with her, she dropped the act instantly and was actually sobbing (not faking it anymore), begging him to take her back. he completely ignored her and said that she had to get out of his apartment before he called the cops. she then came downstairs to the living room where her best friend and i took her home. both her best friend and i agreed that we can’t believe a word she says anymore because she has made too many false claims and if something ever does happen to her, none of her friends will believe her... tl;dr whenever i go out with my friend she always claims to have been sexually assaulted multiple times and sometimes raped but always says the next day that she lied about it and none of it was true. so my entire friend group has completely given up on believing her and next time we go out together we won’t chase after her when she runs away. sorry this was so long. i hoped i explained it well enough. if anyone has questions feel free to ask.

nta

nta. accusing people of sexual assault when they haven't done anything is so fucking wrong and it happens way too often. i know you've stated that she admits to her lies the next day but it seems really weird to me that instead of contacting the police after these "events" occur she contacts her friends, plus doesn't go to a hospital so she can actually prove that she was raped

nta, just watch out that she doesn’t come after you guys for “not helping her” or “letting it happen”

9s99k6

aita: for not giving the homeless written off hot food?

aita? i work at 7/11 and deal with a lot of drunk assholes, robberies, and homeless people. yeah not all homeless people are fuck ups but this job sure makes it seem like they all are. we have a no loitering policy and encourage customers not to give food money etc to the homeless people. i've gone out of my way to city hall to get the homeless removed because i'm tired of getting piss thrown at me, cursed out, assaulted, and life threatened. of course they're still here. anyways, this homeless couple came in and wondered if i could double cut their pizza. so i did and gave it to them. 5 minutes later they're back saying they want it cooked more. i tell them i can only cook it to what i'm suppose to or i'll ruin it. they refuse to leave o i take a 16 slice pizza out of the box and cook it for 20 seconds and what do you know, i couldnt get half of the pizza out because it was burning onto the stone. i manage to get it out after some work and give it back to them. the lady asked if she could have a cup of ice and if i'll charge her. in my mind well they're homeless i'll save them money and say no. she grabs the biggest cup fills it a quarter way walks out 30 seconds later back in she yelling refill. well shot myself in the foot should a charged her ok shame on me. instead of her paying 2.18 she paid 99. the guy in the meantime is in a way pressuring me to give him the hot food i'm suppose to throw away. i tell him no countless times and here are my reasons why: >if the homeless gets sick from the food we gave them (even pretend to be sick and it couldn't have even been from our food) they will sue probably lose anyways but waste company's money probably costing me my job >they will never leave if people keep giving them food which means more of the stuff i listed above will keep happening. i tell him to comeback another time (when my co worker who wont put up with their shit comes and i'm off). am i the asshole?

nta

for these people, you're nta. i've been homeless a few times, and i've encountered other homeless people like these. gratitude is not a concept they're familiar with; anyone at all, *anyone*, even other homeless people, who has more than, or something that, they don't have automatically *owes them*. they carry around a titanic sense of entitlement and the world has to foot the bill because bullshit reasons. if you'd given them the food they inevitably would have returned for more. than you'd start seeing more of them turn up because "my buddy said..."; do not feel sorry for them. the local homeless have a saying: "if you're going hungry, you're doing homelessness wrong". unless you're in bumfuck, nowhere there are *plenty* of places that give free food to the homeless. they should have thanked you for the generosity you already showed them, and left quietly in good grace. not only were they rude, but they risked (if you haven't written them off) burning a valuable bridge they could have saved for a future bailout or discreet 'treat'. cultivate an attitude of gratitude, i always say, and these guys clearly can't.

nta. you're protecting your boss and your job. but what's stopping them from taking food from the garbage and suing you guys?

9s9gdf

aita for doing 10 days instead of 2 week notice?

tl;dr: miserable boss made my (part time) working life hell, i looked for new full time work and the way it had worked out, i could only give 10 days notice instead of the usual 14. now she has my old co-workers mad at me. reading my own post, it probably sounds one sided since i'm pretty peeved about recently finding out my old boss is spreading rumors about me, so if there are any questions for clarification, i'm open ears. i worked in a library for two years. i was friend with the assistant director for years before i got this position- she was the teen librarian when i was a teen and offered me the job when i graduated college. it's always been part time, and i've left once already in 2017 to work in another city for a short amount of time. i gave a month's notice for that, worked 3 months at a job i ended up hating, worked at a summer camp for a month, and finally came back to the library. it was an agreement with no hard feelings- they had found someone to replace me pretty easily, but by the time i came back she wasn't working out and was leaving anyway. this came back to bite me but it seemed amicable at the time. boss-friend has always been a very difficult person to work with. for a plethora of reasons (bad childhood, lonely living conditions) she's just been a miserable person for a long time. she's run out a slew of her supervisors and has been offered the supervisory position many times but always turns it down. she's very much the captain of her own ship- great benefits, mortgage paid off (by dad, she inherited the house so essentially that's free), three weeks pto every year, good salary- but has this mindset that she's trapped and takes it out on a lot of people, mostly those she works with since she doesn't socialize outside of work. those 3 weeks of vacation time she gets, i've watched her spend them the past 2 years i've worked with her by staying cooped up in her house with her cats for 21 days straight. this is just a piece of why i left. her boss, the director, has been creating a hostile environment for employees. the high school is half a mile from the library, and every day at 2:30 on the dot we get the really rough crowd from the high school. kids who smoke pot in front of the library, break computers, steal from each other, curse out other patrons, etc. no one minds that they're there- they can spend all damn day in the library for all any of us care, but they're so hostile towards everyone that it makes others feel unsafe. patrons have called the cops before, they've filed complaints with the library director and the board, they've told us they won't come in because these kids scare them. the director's attitude about all this was that they act out here because they can't go home since it isn't safe for them, so we essentially have to give them a safe space to act out in. of course she doesn't handle this- we employees do. she stays in her office upstairs and away from the kids. even when they pull her into it, like when another patron complains or when the cops are called, they play her like a fiddle. so after weeks of dealing with a combination of my miserable assistant director, rowdy and downright violent kids, patrons complaining and nothing being done, and multiple police reports, it finally came to a head for me. i'd been actively searching for new work and had had a few interviews. i hadn't made any promises to any new company, hadn't even been offered anything yet, and i was on the teen desk working. i get a complaint that the kids are messing with the handicap doors. i go out to tell them to knock it off, they tell me of course they aren't doing anything. i tell them i just got a complaint and i could see you guys on the camera messing with it, so if you really want to fight me on this, i'll show you the cameras. just stop messing with the doors, that's all i'm asking. in or out, pick one. this kid lost it. told me, in this order, to shut the fuck up fuck off, and suck his dick. a 15 year old kid. i told him to leave and not come back, and i've been told by both director and assistant director that if you give them directions in a situation like that and they don't comply, you can call the cops. when he came back 20 minutes later, i called the cops. my director rips me a new one. tells me i shouldn't have done that, i went at it with the wrong attitude, and she knows that that kid is a good kid at heart and is just acting out for x y z reasons. (i don't know about you guys but my childhood wasn't golden either and i never once spoke that way to anyone.) this is the excuse she always gives to their violent behavior, and i've yet to see proof of it. i pretty much decided then and there to quit as soon as i found a new job. low and behold after i leave that shift, i have a job offer email. can i start in about two weeks minus a day? this was a tuesday this all happened, they were asking me to start the monday after the next one. i said absolutely, and told my boss immediately as i hadn't left the break room yet that the friday of the following week would be my last day. my assistant director had a meltdown on me, said it was completely unprofessional and that she was so pissed at me (in front of co workers and patrons sitting at the public computers she yelled at me), and berated me for twenty minutes in her office. didn't let me get a word in even though i was telling her with the new, full time job it was the best i could do and that i was sorry. i knew already she wasn't going to listen and just wanted to tell at me, as per her personality this is id what's getting me riled up now- on top of this i heard from a co worker that the assistant director is telling everyone i gave zero notice and quit on the spot. i did finish those ten days, no call outs or half assing it, and offered to train a replacement. so everyone else has been taking on my hours (part time but about 34 hours a week) and responsibilities and probably feels overwhelmed already. and now i'm the bad guy for it because she's been telling people i quit on the spot with no consideration for them. they've been spreading us all thin for about 6 months now without hiring newly needed staff and if i was going to wait for them to hire someone new before getting a new job, it would be another 6 months of being cursed out by teens before i could get out. am i the asshole? i know it was unprofessional to give less than 2 weeks. it really was the best i could do. i guess i could have told the new job i had to start later, but this was a few weeks ago (over a month), and the library still hasn't replaced my position. they're spreading everyone else thin. and now they're being told it's my fault and when i go in as a patron i'm getting the cold shoulder. so aita?

nta

wouldnt your coworkers notice you're there for 10 more days after she tells everyone you quit without notice..? i don't understand that. but nta, i've been in a similar situation and i'm sure a lot of people have. if it makes you feel any better my partner has walked out of 3 shitty jobs with no notice lol. life goes on. do what you need to do to be happy and good luck with your new job 💕

the only thing to be gained from giving a notice is the obvious income from working out your notice, and the reasonable chance that you could get hired back if you apply. it sounds like neither you nor your boss want you there anymore, so quite honestly you could walk out, work out 10 days, whatever. nta.

9s9j7h

aita for refusing to let my little sister use my car?

my little sister got a job for the first time and uses my car to get to work. her job is maybe half a mile from my house. no big deal. i have no problem with her using it but lately she's been spending alot of my gas picking up her bf and dropping him off. she also seems to think that because we're related she can take my car anytime she pleases without my consent. everytime i tell her she needs to put gas in my car she comes up with an excuse that her paycheck isn't in her bank account yet because she doesn't have direct deposit (and has to give her check to the bank clerk & takes time to get in) she also leaves her fast food bags in my car which is a huge pet peeve of mine. today was the last straw, i told her to throw her trash and she kept telling me to wait. mind you she was just playing video games. i grabbed a bag and threw the trash away myself. my parents saw me taking the trash out of my car and asked why my sister didn't do it. i said she wouldn't hurry up. that's where everything went crazy. they told her to not leave her trash in my car and then she tried to blame it on me for getting angry over "2 receipts" she left in my cup holder. it was 2 receipts and 2 empty water bottles and an empty mcdonald's drink. then my parents said i get mad over little things. sister then said it was my fault bc i never remind her to take out her own damn trash out of my car! i completely lost it at this point. she called me some names and then said she was heading to the store in my car again. i said no and took the keys. she cried and my parents forced me to give her the keys. this is a car i payed for, under my name. i pay insurance too. i feel angry but sad at the same time she needs my car to go to work. if i had an older sibling i would appreciate it if they lent me their car but i wouldn't take advantage of that opportunity like she does :(

nta

nta. you pay for your car, you pay the insurance. your name is in the title. it was kind of you to let her borrow it, but she took advantage and needs to be reminded that it isn’t her car. as for your parents, i think you need to let them know as well.

nta. talk to your parents on your own while she is at work. tell them you want her to appreciate you more by making her walk to work. it will also teach her to manage her money and possibly buy a car of her own soon.

9sbo81

aita for not telling a dude not to call me babe?

my bf and i have been together for about six months. i had a habit of calling just about everyone a pet name such as love, honey, babe, etc. my bf made it clear he doesn't like it and i've worked to not do it. well today as i was scrolling fb, he clicked on my messenger (totally fine, we both hold no secrets) and saw that a guy i used to work with messaged me "are you working today babe?". i replied with "no, i'm off". my boyfriend is incredibly hurt and says that i've betrayed him because i've "allowed" this to happen. i told him that it's easier for me as a woman (and someone who gets called all kinds of names by men everyday) to just ignore it. i have also apologized profusely yet he still won't even look at me. aita for not saying anything to this guy?

nta

nta, your boyfriend should work on his trust-issues.

nta. boyfriend's being either a drama queen or showing worrying signs of a lack of trust. or both.

9seir3

wibta if i offered to pay my friend back for my lunch or take a reign check?

so this is my last week at my job and last week my friend took me out to lunch. i figured he was treating me because as we sat down i took out my card and he said "don't worry. i'll take care of it". &#x200b; today he told me i owed him lunch and i was kind of shocked. and he reminded me that i agreed to pay him back if i got the job. i'm not saying he's lying because this conversation could have happened, but i'm supporting a family and on the income i'm making i really can't afford to drop $35-$40 on a single lunch, that's like a week's worth of meat. &#x200b; i'm thinking about either telling him i'll have to take a rain check and take him out on a weekend when i got my income coming in from my new job, or just re-imbursing him for the cost of my meal. wibta? &#x200b; &#x200b; hey guys, so i explained to him the situation and he was super understanding about it. he took the rain check.

nta

nta, just need to explain to him that you understood him to be treating you when you went out, and that you can do the same for him sometime in the future. btw, it’s rain check.

you took out your credit card as you sat down? smells fishy. you acknowledge you probably did say you would pay him back. at the very least, you went to a $40/meal restaurant before you thought he was paying. either you were planning on spending $40 or you ordered more expensive food/drinks once you thought he was paying. was your meal much less than his and he wants you to pay half? nta, but just pay him for your meal.

9sf71y

wibta for moving out to a house?

i (19f) have a close knit group of friends (3 of us) and for the past three months we have been planning on leaving the dorms to rent a house next semester. one of my roommates (l) (20f) has been very excited and has been planning on moving out with me. our other roommate (c) (20f) has also been planning on moving out up until about three weeks ago. for some background, c has a very toxic relationship with her mother, and her mother likes to control whatever she does. for example she has a car at home (about an hour from our campus) but her mom won't let her bring it to school with random excuses. she also calls c every night to talk to her and tracks her on an app (her phone percentage and location). so about three weeks ago c says that she still has to ask her mom if we can move out and her mom told her that we can only live in a house if it is within a 5 minute drive from campus. this is extremely difficult as our campus is very small and 90% of our students live on campus all 4 years. so finally c says that her mom is fine with us moving a little farther away from campus. so yesterday c told me and l that we couldn't move out because if we become a commuter on campus we would get our academic merit scholarships taken away (which makes no sense because those don't correlate) but when we asked where she found that information she said her mom talked to people from the admissions office and residence life office. however, i had already asked someone from residence life and they said the only people that could answer that question would be someone from the financial planning office. l and i decided that her mom had lied to her so she wouldn't move off of campus. so today the three of us walked to the financial planning office, and as soon as we got to the door, c had to make a phone call and was not able to go in. i had a very short conversation with the person in the office and they told me the scholarships would not be taken away. i am very uncomfortable in my current dorm, we have terrible neighbors, bug infestations and our roof is leaking. wibta for moving out with l and leaving c behind?

nta

nta if you tell c why. holy shit c sounds like she lives in a nightmare. > c has a very toxic relationship with her mother ... she also calls c every night to talk to her and tracks her on an app (her phone percentage and location). this is love canal levels of toxicity. a 20 y.o. woman being treated like a 3 month old golden retriever is not healthy. her mother has problems. you are not the asshole for leaving without c, but i would make it clear to c what your issues are. if you ditch c without any explanation, you will be an asshole. it almost sounds like c is trying to live her own life. so i think you owe it to c to explain that if you move to a new place, there will be certain rules etc. that probably won't work with c's mom. this way expectations are clear from the beginning and you don't have c's mom living in your basement.

nta. "sorry c, but we had been planning on moving to a house and that is still the plan. hopefully you can find a way to come with us, just let me know!"

9sg1fp

aita for making someone homeless/suicidal?

alright, this requires some backstory so please bear with me. warning; descriptions of distressing/graphic events &#x200b; over the summer i dated a frat boy. let's call him "m". m lives in his frat house, which happened to be across the street from my apartment. m has a best friend. let's call this friend "t". t also lives in the frat house with m. t is, for lack of better word, creepy. he's a big guy, in his 7th year of undergrad, a heavy drug user (cocaine, mdma, etc), and has a reputation of being predatory toward first year girls. i know firsthand about this reputation, because this past school year i was one of the main freshmen girls he was harassing. messages, unwanted advancements, always asking me to kiss him, etc. i shrugged it off because i felt sorry for him. he told me about how hard his life was with his borderline personality disorder, and it seemed blatantly obvious to me that the frat was pretty much his only safety net. however, he started getting much worse before the school year ended. i was going home from a party at the frat house when t, heavily drugged up, started panicking and freaking out begging me to "stay" with him, after trying to be close to me the whole night. it was really scary and i got out of there quick. that incident was in may. &#x200b; fast forward to july. m and i have been dating for a few weeks and it's a whirlwind. m claims he loves me and has convinced me to let my guard down and open up to him. i have ptsd, so for me this was a huge deal. i know, i know. massive red flags already. in hindsight there were obvious signs that m was manipulating me, and i'm fairly certain he's actually a narcissist, but at the time i really wanted to believe something so good could be true. well, m tells me he loves me on thursday, meets my parents on friday, and then leaves me for his ex on saturday. this happened in the same week my grandfather died, whom i was very close to. understandably, i am an absolute f\*cking wreck. &#x200b; disclaimer; due to the whole ptsd thing, i do not handle large amounts of emotional distress very well. at all. on sunday i started drinking at 9 in the morning and by 3 pm i was massively raging drunk. i ended up in a cafe close to my apartment and the frat house where m and t live. t messages me, saying he heard from m what happened and asking if i'm ok. i am extremely intoxicated and crying my eyes out in public, so i start spilling to him over messenger. t then asks me where i am. me, being distressed and hysterical and wasted, tell him my location. that was the biggest mistake of my life. t arrives at the cafe. he makes a big show of comforting me, letting me cry while he listens, etc. i tell him how i haven't eaten anything since my grandfather died three days ago. he starts saying he's worried about me. he says he has food in his room, and he'll take me there to make sure i eat. he practically has to carry me from the cafe to the frat house i was so intoxicated. once in his room, there's no food. and he doesn't let me leave until he can do what he wants, and i'm way too small in comparison to him to fight it. i just let it happen. i lay there in his room sobering up for hours, pretending to be asleep. when i "woke up", t told me that i was the one who wanted to sleep with him, and that i had kept telling him i was worried about him "feeling used" if i fucked him. but that he let me sleep with him because he "cared about me". he said i just didn't remember saying that because i had been so wasted. fuck that. i remembered. but he knew where i lived and i was scared, so i went along with it. i didn't tell a soul what happened to me. in fact, i even was worried about my ex m finding out that his best friend t had done that to me. i thought m might kill him if he knew. and i never would have said anything at all if i hadn't found out about the others. t has been on trial for more than a year for rape. an alumni of his frat is his lawyer. there's a no publication order so it was covered up. furthermore, there have been two other girls he assaulted in my wider social circles. it seemed the more i looked into it the more crimes i uncovered. the worst part is, m knew all along. and now that me and the other victims have reported t to the university and the fraternity together, m is really angry at me. m says that t is struggling with drug problems and the frat is all he has. he's saying t has no money and by doing this i'm making him homeless. he says t is already suicidal and that if i don't drop my complaint he may kill himself. guess what? i ain't dropping shit. i feel no remorse, no guilt. t is lucky i don't feel emotionally able to go to the police and go through a legal process and that his frat and his degree is all i'm taking from him. i hate t and to be honest am starting to hate m just as much. sometimes i wish i could hurt t more than what i'm doing now. maybe some of the hate comes from how ashamed of myself i feel, but either way my heart is hardened. m's words are getting to me though. am i being as evil as he says i am? &#x200b;

nta

100% nta. it angers me so much that rapists and their enablers worry about the rapist’s wellbeing over that of the victims. assholes.

motherfucker is getting what he deserves, let him hang for what he did. definitely nta. who cares how his life gets ruined when he hurt so many others.

9sg43b

aita for having sex with my best friends ex?

so i was best friends with the ex before they got together. theyve been broken up for 6 months. he told me he had no intention of being with her. he said shes simply a pump and dump when he needs one and only uses her for sex. he was pursuing another girl and used his ex for sex when he was horny. so i figured she was my best friend for years, we got drunk one night and had sex. we fooled around a few more times after. i felt bad. but at the same time felt theyve been broken up for a while. he didnt want to date her. if he could use her for meaningless sex, why couldnt i fool around with her? still feel guilty about it though. he doesnt know.

nta

nta. however, bro code says you're an asshole.

nta, how would you be a asshole for having sex with a single, consenting girl? like 6 months is a long time, i dunno why you or he should care, not like he has cornered her off and sealed her up with tape when he's not around. &#x200b; like you may not be a asshole, but you could be overthinking it.

9sgu49

aita if i got upset with my gf for wanting to go on a date with someone who isn’t me?

so this just happened a few minutes ago, still not sure what to think of it, me and a friend where talking on discord and my girlfriend joins, she proceeds to tell us how a girl in her class called her beautiful and asked her on a date, and she said she wanted to go. i got quiet for a moment to think about it clearly, and she said that she just needed my permission since our gf( we are poly but not an open relationship) “would have said yes”. i then ask if she would be comfortable if i did the same thing and she said as long as they didn’t touch me and just got free food out of it then yes. i then asked if that was her intention. to go get free food and take advantage of this girl? (which i guess i would have been okay with so long as i knew that that was her general intention) but then she got silent and left, and she messaged me to just drop it. i’m almost sure she’s upset with me now. but i’m still not sure if i’m the asshole. i hope y’all can help

nta

nta. you just asked for clarification and she got defensive, which probably means you were right in doubting her intentions. also, why would she use and lead this girl on like that? such a shitty thing to do.

she's definitely not just using this girl for food, but man, what a way to convince you to let her cheat. nta.

9sgz7p

aita for not wanting to date a trans women?

so the short of this is i met this girl who i thought was really attractive and i asked her out on a date and she said yes. a few days before the date i was scrolling through her facebook and there was a picture of her before her transistion with a beard. it was an instant turn off and i canceled the date telling her i had gotten back with my ex and i was sorry for wasting her time. later i was talking to my sister about the situation and how relieved i was to find out before the date and said she thinks i am being transphobic and it has me feeling shitty about the whole situation. am i really a transphobic arsehole?

nta

why would it be transphobic to not want to date a trans woman? nta this sounds a lot like sjw shit saying it’s bad not to be attracted to certain people

nta. you can be accepting, but not have to be attracted. and even if the reason for you not being attracted to her anymore is because she used to be a man, that's your preference. as a matter of fact, i feel that it is the responsibility of the person who has transitioned to be upfront about this type of thing before they try to pursue anything with someone. some people won't care, and others can get violent. it isn't right to get angry with them to the point of violence like that, but it is a possibility that can happen. you are not the asshole, and your sister actually is an asshole for trying to tell you what your personal preference should be. just like you wouldn't try to force her to date someone she wasn't comfortable dating, she shouldn't do the same to you.

9shhnq

aita for asking my girlfriend to accomodate my phobia?

i suffer from a phobia called kosmemophobia, meaning that i find jewelry severely disgusting. i only recently learned that there was a word for that (kosmemophobia), so it was a little hard to put that disgust into rational words before - it still is. touching jewelry is the worst, and can induce chills and nautia for me. i also find the look of jewelry ugly and excessive jewelry repulsive. i have tried to explain this to my girlfriend, but she doesn't really take it into consideration. i have had several episodes where i have asked my girlfriend to remove her jewelry, like remove a ring, because she wanted to hold hands, remove a neclace when she lean over me ect. ect.. she often finds it weird and would refuse to remove the jewelry - and then get mad, if i in turn refused to hold hands or similar. i have also, tried to get her to stop wearing jewelry entirely, explaining that strongly dislike jewelry and really prefer girls are as natural as possible - stating that jewelry only negatively impact looks for me. (i never find a girl with even basic jewelry attractive) so am i the asshole for trying to get my girlfriend to accomodate my phobia? ps: this is a phobia, so i cannot really explain why i feel like i do, but mostly i just find jewelry to be dirty and tacky. the harder the jewelry looks to clean, the worse the reaction - old elaborate jewelry is the worst. touching it gives me chills and induces a light puking sensation. i know it is weird, but really, why do you feel the need to add metal glitter to your body? work on your body instead - that shows dedication. jewelry just shows basic wealth that 99% of the population can afford today. i cannot rationally explain my phobia, or peoples desire to wear jewelry. pps: piercings are the stuff of nightmares.

yta

yta. you have a phobia, and it sucks, but you come across really, really judgmental here. people like jewelry it more often than not has sentimental value. even more so, you aren't just making this about your phobia. this is very much about *your* own opinions on jewelry.

yta. phobias are widely recognized as being treatable and curable. you can seek help for your phobia. so you should - especially given that jewelry is incredibly common and how this phobia will affect your relationship with pretty much any woman you are in contact with. if you can't seek help to make yourself accommodate first, don't expect other people to accommodate you. go talk to a therapist or a professional trained in treating these kinds of things. if you exhaust that option until it fails, then the conversation needs to be "hey, i have this thing in my head which makes it physically difficult to be around jewelry. i have tried and tried to get help for it but it won't go away. i know you like wearing jewelry but it makes me uncomfortable and it would really be helpful if you didn't wear it around me." none of this high horse shit where you prefer "natural looks" or whatever - that comes across as condescending and she sure as hell won't accept it if you put it like that. but again, go get some help first. she shouldn't be responsible for accommodating you when you are damn well capable of accommodating yourself.

9si4u5

aita for refusing to hand out candy to trick or treaters tomorrow (10/30)?

so apparently it’s supposed to rain here wednesday, so a bunch of people in our town have decided that trick or treating is going to be on tuesday now. am i an asshole for saying screw you, my light will be on for halloween and only halloween? to put it like a crotchety old lady, when i was a kid, we used umbrellas. and if the weather was too terrible, then we went to the fall festival at one of the local churches instead. and yes, those are still on for wednesday, so that option is still out there... i mean, how are all the kids even going to know that it’s tuesday instead anyway? or am i now supposed to do this two nights in a row? i already bought candy, and took wednesday off from work to be sure i was home in time to give out candy, because i do love to see the kids in their costumes, but this is just too much. it’s like weddings... in the immortal words of miranda hobbes, “you get a day.”

nta

nta. that’s kind of a weird thing to do, just try and move halloween locally. if it’s a really big thing, you might want to, just because you might miss most of the kids, but i don’t think you’re an asshole either way.

nta but i think you’re being unreasonably bitter about the fact that they moved it. it’s not a national holiday and if you had umbrellas then great, kids today still have umbrellas too. that doesn’t mean that if you asked anyone who was going out on halloween night, they would prefer that it’s raining it’s inconvenient to have to carry an umbrella around all night so i can see why they’d want to move it. i really don’t think you’re doing anything wrong by not giving out candy but the “back in my day kids were tougher” attitude is annoying. edit- just for clarification, the town i grew up in would always do halloween stuff on the weekend, regardless of when the 31st was, and we all loved it. it was easier on the parents and the kids had more time cause there was no school the next day. it’s cool to do it on the 31st, and people would still go out and trick r treat then, but nobody ever minded kids doing things on days around halloween either when it had been agreed upon earlier

9sjkoj

aita for asking my boyfriend to limit his bathroom time?

i've (24f) been living with my boyfriend (23m) for about 6 months, and his use of the bathroom early morning is starting to drive me insane. i have a lot of trouble falling asleep and i'm an extremely light sleeper. my boyfriend on the other hand could sleep through an explosion. our apartment bathroom is accessed through our bedroom, so the walls of the bathroom and the bedroom communicate. the thing is, the fan in the bathroom is ridiculously loud and is connected to the only light switch. so if anyone is in the bathroom, the fan is automatically blazing as if it's trying to vacuum the entire apartment. but then, my boyfriend wakes up around 5am for work, more than 2 hours before i do. and he takes up to an hour in the bathroom after waking up - showering, doing his morning skincare routine, doing his hair, brushing his teeth, etc. every single morning, the fan in the bathroom wakes me up and i can't fall back asleep even though i could theoretically remain asleep for another 2 hours. i've asked him to be as quick as he could in there, but he doesn't understand as the fan doesn't wake him up. he says he's trying, but i haven't noticed any change in the time he spends in there at 5 am. am i the asshole? (if anyone asks, we did talk to the apartment owner who says that due to the way the wires are made, it's impossible to split the fan and light switches or even just lower the fan's power).

nta

nta but can you possibly get a lamp? if it's just the fan that's an issue another light source would work he could still do his thing while you sleep.

nta for asking him to go a little quicker. taking an hour in the bathroom *every* morning seems kind of nuts, especially for a guy. the hell is he doing in there? if that doesn't work, there's probably another solution to be found here. as others have said, earplugs, or get a light source in the bathroom so he doesn't have to use the fan. maybe a white noise generator to override the fan noise?

9skc98

aita for using a friend to practise my social skills with women?

20m. this happened two years ago, right after i graduated high school. at the end of high school i was rejected by a girl whom i'd been pursuing for months, and that made me realise that my skills with women were absolute shit. so i set out to practise my skills on an "easier" target, where i can start with the basics. i chose one of my classmates, who wasn't very attractive and or popular. she was a very kind person; during our time together, she had consistently lent me her support and friendship during difficult times, even though i never quite returned the favour. so i knew she was someone i could trust, and could provide me a safe space for target practice. with that in mind, i asked her out to go see a night festival at a park. i used the opportunity to work on the basics of social skills, e.g. maintaining a conversation, and touching as well. just to clarify, i don't think i went overboard with the touching - i mostly did stuff like: pulling her closer by her bag, brushing my hand against hers, touching her shoulders, and occasionally venturing a bit into her personal space. she didn't object, but i could tell she wasn't enthusiastic about it either. she seemed neutral about it and never said anything or reciprocated. so i roughly found out where her boundaries were. overall it wasn't that productive a session, but i guess it was an entry-level lesson on women for me. but my friends later told me that i shouldn't have experimented on a friend who trusted me, and that she probably didn't object to my touching only because she was internally confused about what's going on. they also said that i should have done my target practice on strangers instead. what do you think?

yta

yta. if you want to improve your social skills with women, approach them and ask them out or get a dating app so both parties know it's a date instead of using a friend. or better yet, just get to know women platonically. you don't have to date or fuck every woman in your social circle. build friendships with them. then you won't have to "practice" your social skills on women since it'd be something you already do on a daily basis.

yta. you treated your friend like an object, and ever refer to her as a "target" and this "productive session" as "target practice". wtf is wrong with you? your friend is a real person with feelings. you should be treating your friends with compassion and respect, not calling them "targets" and using them as some sort of stand-in to practice dating behavior that they didn't consent to or even know was happening. i seriously hope you're, like, 14 or something, so that you still have time to grow up and learn how to treat people.

9skd33

aita for driving like this?

a lot of times when i drive i play music on my phone with spotify. if you're not familiar with the music playing app there is a screen that shows the album cover of the song playing and to change it you can just swipe. when i play my music. &nbsp; when i play my music i keep it on that screen where you swipe to change the song and i either put it on my thigh or in the cup holder. - i never text when i drive - i never call when i drive - if my phone falls off my thigh i just leave it there - i don't have to look down to change the music

nta

nta, but depending on your jurisdiction, possibly illegal.

i think nta **california vehicle code 23123.5:** it's legal to use your phone if the driver’s hand is used to activate or deactivate a feature or function of the handheld wireless telephone or wireless communications device with the motion of a single swipe or tap of the driver’s finger. [source](https://leginfo.legislature.ca.gov/faces/codes_displaysection.xhtml?lawcode=veh&sectionnum=23123.5) but it might differ depending on your country/state

9sm7zg

aita for not paying for a pet?

my girlfriend and i live together, and we've talked about owning a dog someday, it's definitely something i want in the future. recently though she's really started pushing to get one now, and i've been against it telling her that we don't have the time or the money right now to give an animal the love and care it deserves. yesterday she told me that she's decided we are going to get a dog and that i'll love it when it's here, that it never feels like the right time. first of all i was really upset by this because big decisions like this should be made together. i ended up telling her that if she got the dog then i would of course do what i could in terms of taking the dog on walks and otherwise caring for it, but since she was unilaterally making this decision that she would be unilaterally responsible for any and all expenses regarding the dog, like food and vet visits. she was furious at the suggestion saying that i needed to support her decision, and that the dog would be just as much mine as hers so i need to pitch in as well. aita? i want to wait a few years because at that time we'll both be earning money and things will also be slightly less chaotic, but according to my gf i'm the asshole here. i'm torn because of course i would want to help provide for the dog any way i can, but on the other hand i hate feeling that this decision is being forced on me at a time when i don't feel capable of taking on the extra responsibility of a pet.

nta

nta. you guys really need to talk this through. she can’t just go out and decide something like this on her own. it’s actually nice of you to offer help take care of it. if she wants both of you to chip in then the decision must be made together as well. she’s the asshole.

nta. personally, i’d tell her i support her decision, emotionally, but if she wants to do something that will cost you money directly without any real consultation, it’s on her. a dog is a pretty massive decision, some would say almost as big as having a child. it’s a pretty big responsibility, and realistically, despite being brilliant members of the family, are taxing on both time, and money (and sometimes sanity, haha). if you’re not in a place where that responsibility can be met, then she’s being a selfish, inconsiderate asshole. to both you, and the dog.

9smy0t

aita for not allowing my mum to travel with me?

a bit of background info. 24/male/asian-australian. i travelled solo for a total of 10 weeks in the past 2 years and enjoyed it. my parents are traditional asian parents in the sense that they put up a fuss when i raise the idea of moving out, or living/travelling alone. their reason is that it's my "duty" to remain with the family. they also lack english skills so i'm filling out forms and communicating on their behalf. current problem. i planned for a solo trip to singapore and malaysia, it's something i've been looking forward to. my mum found out about my planned trip and wants to come along. the problem is that she lacks basic navigation skills and is afraid to travel alone. i'm worried that she won't be able to make it back to the hotel for example. this means that i'll be "supervising" her for the entirety of my trip. this scares me a lot because i just want to get away for a bit, relax, and leave my worries at the airport. supervising someone while on holidays adds an extra burden that shouldn't be there. if she was able to travel independently, then that would've been great - e.g. part ways in the morning, do our separate things, and meet back at the hotel at say 9pm. i offered her to partially tag along, e.g. accompany me for the singapore part of the trip and we part ways afterwards, but she knocked it back. her reason was that she's afraid to be alone on the 8 hour flight back home. i gave her those reasons and it upsetted her - she really wants to visit that part of the world. i felt a bit selfish locking her out of that opportunity but i just really want some time alone and be worry-free, something i rarely get nowadays. flights are still available and the hotel rooms can accommodate 2 people per room. i have another planned trip with her and my sister later this year to somewhere within the country, but she really wants to go to singapore and malaysia. &#x200b; tl;dr - mum is afraid to and can't travel alone. wants to come with me to singapore and malaysia. i said no because of those reasons. aita?

nta

maybe i spend too much time on justnomil, but nta. you aren’t your mother’s babysitter. you said you have a trip planned with her and her sister— great! enjoy that. but she doesn’t need to come with you on your solo trip. maybe, if it’s something you’d want to do, offer to go with her (and maybe other family members as well) another time? frame it like, on your solo trip, you’ll be able to familiarize yourself with the area so upon returning it would be easier to help her navigate.

nta. you have every right to want to travel alone. you may consider a way to spend some time with your parents in a different context though.

9snvf2

aita for not caring that my stepdad had a stroke?

this is gonna be long, so bear with me. context: my mom met my stepdad when i was a small child (7) and right from the get-go, he was cruel to me, especially once i hit puberty. he had a daughter from a previous relationship that lived in another city with her mother who was 6 years older than myself. growing up, i always felt like i was in competition with her for his affection, even though he only saw her twice a year. my stepdad was an alcoholic who came from an abusive history of his own, as his father was an alcoholic who beat him and his siblings and mother. he got me drunk at 11 on beers because he thought it would be fun, and i trusted him so i did it. i grew up as a tomboy, living in a rural area, and often spent much of my time outdoors. my stepdad decided this meant i was a boy and made me cut my hair into a boy's haircut and wear boys' clothing. once i hit puberty, i filled out a bit (i went from flat to a d cup in the space of a few months) and grew a more womanly figure (big hips as well) and he would say things to me like that i was fat, even going so far as to pinch me very hard where i had a bit of extra weight. i wasn't that overweight, but he made me feel like i was. but i was a very active kid even into teendom, riding my bike everywhere, running around outside, climbing trees, etc. i had buck teeth with an overbite, and he always made fun of me for it, calling me names. i whistled sometimes because i had a gap between my teeth, and he would make fun of that. i eventually got braces, complete with headgear (which he paid for) but then he made fun of me for having a "metal mouth". when i was a teenager, we really started to have serious problems. in addition to the usual bullying, he started saying things to me like "when you're grown up, you'll probably have 4 or 5 kids with different dads and be on welfare". i was a good kid, i went to school, tried to get good grades, didn't even have a seriousish boyfriend until i was 17. i only had one or two run-ins with alcohol (one which completely turned me off of booze for pretty much my entire life after i was date-raped; when my parents found out they told me to keep quiet and we didn't report him) and i never did any drugs. i was in church groups and kept to myself. aside from the verbal bullshit, he was also physically and emotionally abusive to me. if i stepped out of line, he would "spank" me, sometimes so hard that i couldn't even sit down. he would beat me with wooden spoons, sometimes metal spoons. he took the latch off my bedroom door and put a hook-and-eye on the outside, so that i couldn't shut the door, but he could lock me in. his favorite thing to do was to wait until i was asleep, and then he would smash open my door, causing the door to bang against the wall. he would do this several times a night. i actually developed a sleep disorder from this and became a very light sleeper, because as my sleep pathologist said, i couldn't sleep later in life because i was always waiting for the trauma (fight-or-flight). i wasn't allowed to look him in the eyes, ever, because he told me that to do so was to show aggression, and if i was confrontational (even when i wasn't), he would beat me. i grew up being afraid to look men in the eyes because of this. if i talked back at all, he would beat me. i was constantly grounded for doing normal kid shit. if i didn't get at least a b on a test, i was grounded. if i didn't do all of my chores (which was basically all of the housework, yardwork, laundry, dog-walking, cooking, etc), i was grounded (my stepdad was a clean freak and if i left even one handprint on a window or a spot of dog hair on the floor or a crumb on the table in the kitchen, i was grounded.. i spent more time in my life as a kid grounded than i did as a free person. i wasn't allowed to have friends unless he liked their parents; i only really had one friend that i was allowed to hang out with (as i said, we lived in a small rural community of 15 houses on one street; i didn't have access to go to anyone else's house). i wasn't allowed to get my license when i turned 16, because that would have given me freedom. i wasn't allowed to get a part-time job, because then i would have had my own money aside from my $5/week allowance (my parents never gave me anything unless it was a special occasion). when i was in my late teens, i got a boyfriend, and it was serious (we ended up being together for 18 years). my stepdad hated him, even though he came from a good family, his parents were very good people and were kind to me. this is relevant. my stepdad called me a whore and said i didn't deserve a boyfriend. one day, when i was in my bedroom studying for final exams in my last year of high school, my stepdad was in the living room watching tv. my mom was at work in the nearest town, which was a 15 minute drive away. someone came and knocked on the door. we lived in a bungalow, so the kitchen with the door was right beside my bedroom. i ignored it because i was engrossed in studying. they knocked again. i ignored it. they knocked a third time, then left. my stepdad came barging into my room, screaming at me that he expected me to answer the door when someone knocked. i tried to explain that i was busy studying for an exam i had the next day, and it was important to me. he got very belligerent and continued to scream at me. i walked out of my bedroom, trying to get away from him. while he was screaming at me, i had kind of positioned myself near the stop of the stairwell that led to the basement. when i didn't react, he pushed me so hard that i slammed into the wall at the top of the stairwell, lost my footing, and proceeded to stumble about halfway down the stairs. the only thing that kept me from cracking my head on the cement floor at the bottom was the handrail, which i ended up ripping out of the wall. he then of course screamed at me for breaking the railing. i was hysterical at this point. i climbed back up the stairs, and he punched me. he told me to get the fuck out of his house and not come back, because he was tired of supporting me and that i was an ungrateful bitch. i ran from the house, a black eye building on my face. it was the end of june, so i left the house in only a tank top and shorts, no shoes. i just wanted to get to my mom, but she was at work. i ended up walking the 16km to the town in my barefeet on a gravel road. there were no cell phones then and i didn't know anyone who could help me. by the time i got to the town, my feet were raw and bloody, full of rocks. i ended up breaking into someone's boat that had a tarp over it and slept there over night. when i woke up, i found a bright orange winter hat that had been left in the hold, and ripped it up, and tied it around my feet. i then walked another 5km to get to the store where my mom worked. when i walked into the store, i was filthy, bloody and hysterical. my mom looked pissed, and then i just lost it, telling her that my stepdad tried to throw me down a flight of stairs and that i walked for hours to get to her and that i slept in the boat.. i was a wreck. she didn't comfort me. she didn't console me. we went home, she ran me a bath, picked the rocks out of my feet, and told me to go into my room. that was the last we ever spoke of it. she didn't give my stepdad hell or anything. after the exam that day, i took the school bus to my boyfriend's house and lived there for three years. my parents hated that i left. they hated me for not putting up with it anymore. they took all of my belongings out to the back yard and had a big old bonfire. all of my books, clothes, cds, drawings i'd done, everything i owned, just up in smoke. later that year, i got pregnant (which made me a whore, even though my boyfriend was the only boy i'd ever slept with, and my parents never got me birth control), and it ended in a late-term stillbirth. it fucked me up pretty badly. not long after, i got pregnant again and my mother had the audacity to say that i had no right to have a baby since they were still grieving the loss of their grandson. my son was born and was perfect, until he wasn't. he was diagnosed with autism when he was 4, and when he was 13, my parents took him for a weekend. he was being a typical teenage boy with a side of autistic "not giving a fuck" thrown in, and wasn't listening to my parents. my mom called me up, blasting me on the phone that my son was a terrible kid and that she was bringing him home. "he should fucking know how to make a sandwich! you should have had an abortion! you caused his autism and you are a horrible parent!" i was livid. i told her to bring him home right now. an hour later, there was a knock on the door, and when i opened it, my son's face was red and he had been crying a lot. my mom immediately started with the shit she pulled on the phone, and i slammed the door in her face. we didn't talk for three years. i found out 3 years later that she had punched my son in the face because my stepdad told her to. i told her she would never be alone with my child again. and didn't talk to her for 2 more years. she's seen my son once in 5 years since that incident, earlier this year. she had called and apologized for everything, saying she didn't know why she did it and that she regretted it and the way she treated me. i believe in forgiveness, so i tried to forgive her. (in '11, my boyfriend got very ill with appendicitis and was hospitalized for a week, teetering on the brink of death because he had so many toxins in his system. i called my mom, asking if she could come stay the night because i was scared and lonely and i just needed my mom. she said she would let me know. she called back and said she couldn't stay with me because my stepdad said no.) anyways, to the point: this year has been bad for me. i split with my son's dad 2 years ago and was single for that 2 years. i had a cancer scare last year. i've been so far below the poverty line due to credit card bills that i accumulated with my ex that i couldn't even eat more than once or twice a week because i couldn't afford it. i got my finances in order this year, got a new job, started taking care of myself. was finally happyish. i started dating this year. ended up being taken for a ride by a drug user who was emotionally unavailable, and then got sodomized and raped by another man. was pretty much giving up on life, and then i met my current bf (who is a fucking angel and treats me like i'm a queen). my mom had tried to call my a couple of times, but i was either busy or my phone wasn't working (there was a period where our service was wonky). i forgot about it. i emailed her a couple of weeks later to say i was sorry for missing her calls, and to tell her about my relationship with k, which has made me happier than i have been in 7 or 8 years. she simply sent back "that's good. i was calling you because g (my stepdad) had a stroke, but obviously you are too self-centered to care." i haven't replied. it's been months now since that email. yesterday was her birthday, and i didn't reach out to her. i am so hurt that she took the little bit of happiness i had and threw it in my face, making it about my stepdad. i actually went to a psychologist for years to deal with the shit they put me through, the ptsd i suffered from his abuse and the rape when i was 17... it wasn't easy. i was suicidal for so long and then i was finally finding happiness, and she couldn't be happy for me. she made it about him. aita for not giving a shit that the man who tormented me, traumatised and tortured me for all those years had a stroke? should i feel bad for him, and for her for having to take care of him? this has been bugging me for a while, and i didn't know if i was just being over sensitive or if i am being smart in not letting them manipulate me. tl;dr: my alcoholic stepdad abused the fuck out of me, tried to kill me, and now has had a stroke. my mom made me feel bad for not caring.

nta

nta. i would honestly cut them both off of contact indefinitely. just because they are blood/related via marriage does not mean they deserve anything from you. they have proven time and again that they do nothing but hurt you and your son. it’s been six years since i have spoken with my abusive mother and my life has been much better because of it. you don’t need to keep that toxicity.

nta &#x200b; hell write her an email back and explicitly tell her "why would i feel bad that someone that was very abusive to me for years is now hopefully dying? " i think even mother teresa would tell him to go blank himself.

9so2qy

aita for ignoring a cat in need of help?

a stray cat with obviously a broken leg passed by me, limping with one of her legs. i am a university student with not much at my disposal, but seeing a cat in front of me in such a way made me feel pained for choosing to move on and at the end ignore it. i don't even know if i could pay for her recovery or whatever a vet would ask. i'm no saint and all, and i'm mostly writing this for my own validation... aita? i answered this on a reply and thought it would be good to add it: i google searched for a vet and the one google recommended was opening in another 3 hours. also searching for animal shelter there is one on the other side of the island of where i am. i don't have a car or bike or even bicycle, so taking a trip there is pretty much impossible unless i want to sleep on the streets at night. final public transport bus was in two hours, so there is also that. ~~~ that said, i hadn't considered a lot of things said in the comments. i guess if the impossible happens and i chance upon the cat again, i will walk a different path.

yta

this made me sad as a vet tech. at the clinic where i work people bring in stray animals all the time. sometimes if they can’t pay for their treatment one of our doctors will, or we’ll contact one of the rescues we work with and they will. you should’ve helped this kitty, or at least called a vet/rescue. they would’ve at least given you advice on what to do. sorry, yta.

yta - though more of out ignorance. you could have called animal control, they won't stick you with the bills. &#x200b; better yet to actually take the cat into a vet, though depending on your pet handling experience, and how the cat reacts to an attempt to help it, might be best to let animal control pick up the kitty.

9soskx

wibta for not inviting my dad to my graduation in the spring

i'm graduating high school in june and my school wants to know how many guests each student is inviting. i already have about 11 people going (mom and her bf, three older siblings and their s/os, my boyfriend, two younger siblings). i haven't seen my dad since may for my birthday because him and my mom got divorced 7 years ago. he did help me when i first started driving but that's kinda it. if he were to go then i wouldn't let him bring his gf. his gf told my little sister that she makes everyone around her miserable and is constantly trying to destroy her relationship with her dad. she's also mentally and emotionally abusive to him besides just making everyone uncomfortable so i really don't want her to go. he also still calls my older brother the wrong pronouns and name, his overall pretty homophobic, is intimidated by my mom's bf, and would probably have to sit alone as my older brother is trans and my older sister is dating a woman and the whole thing with my mom. my older siblings typically avoid going over as they don't have a good relationship with him. yeah he helped raise me but he really hasn't in a while. would i be the asshole for not inviting him?

nta

nta. big moments in live are too few to spend with people you barely like. also why put the people you do actually care about in awkward situations.

nah, nta. my father didn't come to my high school graduation nor my college one. he was a generally absent father figure, and on top of that he completely embarrassed himself at my brother's hs graduation by only staying until my brother walked across the stage. he didn't stay for the rest of the ceremony, he didn't stay to congratulate my brother afterwards, none of it. he just got up and left without a word. all this to say, you don't owe your dad shit. screw the notion that we have to accept our family being assholes just because they're family. being blood relatives doesn't mean you have to include him in your life, especially not an event with limited spots that could instead be filled with people who you actually want to have around.

9sp0rv

aita for not letting my brother in law take over my garage?

my brother in law bought a truck recently and needs to do some repairs to it. i have a garage at home which i use as a wood shop/metal shop and also for my own repairs on my wife's vehicle and my vehicle. i have been in the process of putting a snow-plow i bought on an old yard truck and trying to fix up the truck to get it road worthy. it is beginning to snow here (canada) and i need to winterize my garage, do an oil change and winterize my motorcycle, oil change and winterize my ride on lawn mower all the while trying to get my truck ready for the winter. my brother in law decided with an hours notice to drive his new rusted out truck to my place to do repairs on it. this is not a problem inherently but i am busy with my own projects. the problem comes when i told him he was free to use my garage yet had to take the truck out and park it in the driveway when he wasn't working on it so i could continue to do my own projects. this is was not acceptable to him as he wanted to leave it in the garage, blocking everything, until he was done in about 2-6 weeks. my wife told him no and he proceeded to make her feel bad about it and say fine there is no point ill just do it at home and stormed off. now my wife is upset at both of us and i am upset given the fact i offered to share my own garage and he got mad.

nta

nta at all. don't feel bad about telling him no. you did offer to let him use your garage, but since it's yours, your projects obviously take priority.

nta, you letting him use it all was very nice of you. he's being a jerk by expecting you to just give up your garage completely until he is done with his stuff. he can build his own garage and use it however he wants.

9sqp5u

aita for yelling at my mom?

i'm planning to spend christmas in florida with my family on their sailboat. i booked a one way flight from my city to miami because it was cheap. i decided i would book the return flight after i get there. for the last 3 weeks, mom has been harrassing me about this, saying "we don't know if we're going to make it to miami, we might be in fort lauderdale or the bahamas, your return flight is going to be too expensive, you're not going to make it back to work on time". she dreams up all these ways it could go wrong and its just insane to me. on top of that, she keeps pushing me to cancel and rebook my flight, even suggesting that i wait to fly out on christmas day and return to work 2 days late so i save money. really, does booking a flight have to be this complicated? last sunday, we came to a respectful agreement. we agreed that whatever happens, i am an adult and i can deal with it. but that wasn't the end of it. this past saturday morning, i'm just trying to have my coffee and wake up in peace. she brings it up again. at this point i'm sick of hearing about it. i keep my cool and say "not now please". on sunday, she brings it up again. i exploded at her, saying "why can't you stop pushing this, i am an adult and can handle it, why won't you stop, you're making me yell and i never do this". at this point, i am near crying and my throat hurts. dad tells her "just leave it. if he has a problem its going to be his problem". i felt bad about this, so i bought her a bottle of wine after work on monday and gave a heartfelt apology. i told her i booked my return flight and just want the conversation to be over. she agreed. i feel like i am the asshole, but i don't know. am i justified in the way i acted? tl;dr mom kept bringing up all the ways a vacation flight could go wrong. i took it for a few weeks, and finally exploded in anger. apologized after

nta

nta but — no one “made you yell” but yourself. that was your reaction and how you chose to respond to your mom. just some perspective.

nta, she nagged you endlessly about something that you clearly had handled. while i don't agree you should have blown up i have blown up on my mother for less but for the same reason (nagging and not listening). also you apologized which show maturity. good on you, not an asshole at all.

9sr7h1

aita for telling students they could leave

this was a while ago, but reading this sub got me wondering about it. a few years ago i was attending a community college. i also worked there, work-study, as a tutor. 2 days a week i sat in on the class i tutored for and helped students. i want to emphasize here that i was not a teachers assistant. i was told, explicitly, that i was just there to answer student questions during their free-work time, since it was a large class. one day i got to the class and the teacher wasn't there. students come, we all sit and wait... and wait... 35 minutes later (it was a 2 hour class) the teacher still wasn't there. i let the students go and go home myself. about an hour after that i got an email from the teacher, telling me how disappointed he is with me, how irresponsible it was to not keep the class there, and that he had been working with another student in his office and lost track of time, why didn't i come get him? the next day i met with him to apologize and explain that i had, in fact, looked for him but i didn't know where his office was and the main office was closed because of the time. he basically said whatever, don't let it happen again and we moved on. so i kinda feel like it's not my job to hunt down the teacher for his class, and i already kept the students longer than strictly necessary. was i the asshole, though? it's true i didn't search hard for his office, by then i was kind of annoyed at wasting an afternoon when i had work of my own to do.

nta

nta. "i'm disappointed in you" and "don't let it happen again" should have been your lines to that teacher. i was an adjunct at a local community college for a semester and i understand what some students go through to pay for (and sometimes just to get to) their classes. a teacher not showing up is incredibly disrespectful to them, and he put you in the difficult situation of having to sit there with them wondering if they could leave or of there was, in fact, a plan to cover some actual course material. "why didn't you come find me?" is just an embarrassing attempt to make his mistake your fault...

nta. he is the teacher. he should be more responsible. it isn't your responsibility to find him. students shouldn't have to wait that long for the professor to come anyways. i know some colleges even have a rule that if the professor doesn't show up in 15 minutes that you can leave without getting into trouble. i know my college did, but it had only happened once to my classes.

9sr856

aita. for calling my sibling fat and they need to lose some weight.

so my younger brother and me are not obese but we are not fit either we are a lil bit overweight. so i been working out eating way less trying to lose weight and my brother over here is eating more than ever not working out does nothing but play fortnite all day. i been asking come with me and do some exercise and they say no and i being nuisance. ok, i do be coming on people too fast and too often but still he is gaining weight and looking like a swelling potato. so one day he eating plates full of food and he been talking about how people at school keep calling chubby and fat and it is making him upset. i said yah you are fat and chubby and if you want to prove them wrong eat less get off your ass do some exercise. he started getting angry and saying im just a bully. i just told him the truth and people say i should have said more calmly but im not for that mess i'm just going to tell you how it is.

yta

yta, jesus try to be supportive. i feel bad for your brother, getting picked on at school *and* by his own brother now.

yta he knows he's fat and all you did was make him feel worse.

9srsc3

aita gf (19f) and i (20m) were fighting (i caused the fight) and she said i didn't care about my late mom

okay, not sure what to do about this. sorry for the long post. backstory: my girlfriend (19f) and i (20m) have been together for 2 years, live together and share bills/money. im the primary bread earner (~60k/usd) while she's been jumping from job to job and going to school. we've going through some rough patches that i've been causing. the issues have all had to do with me spending money and not informing her and then not showing much emotions in fights. when i was young i was diagnosed with slight narcissism and this is an issue i've been aware of, didn't want to face and haven't seeked counseling for it until i got with my girlfriend and she asked me to start going because it was negatively affecting the relationship. i've sent in the paperwork (slower than she wanted) and am now waiting to here back from the office to schedule an appointment. we recently got in a huge fight this past weekend because i hadn't scheduled a counseling appointment yet and had spent money on some video games behind her back when she didn't want me to. one of the reasons i hadn't been feeling bad for spending money was due to me earning the majority of it (but she recently got a part time job to help out), i'm not saying it's okay for me to not feel bad about it, this was just my bad reasoning. so i know i'm the asshole in that situation and apologized to her and since then we've made changes so i'm going to be more transparent with spending. during that fight she was crying uncontrollably (she is quite the cry-er) and she wanted to break up because she didn't want to give me more chances. backstory on my mom now: my mom and dad divorced when i was young (5yo) and i stopped visiting her when i was 8yo because my mom had lots of drugs issues (which led to many health issues). when i was in high school she was doing much better and was trying to get back into our lives. around 2 years ago she passed away in her sleep. a few weeks after her funeral i found a letter from her, unopened, in my closets. letters were always my favorite because she'd go all out and decorate the card and write big long letters. to this day i still haven't opened it. back to the fight, she was threatening to leave and was crying a lot while i wasn't crying (i'm not really a cry-er), my lack of emotions triggered her to say that i since i don't seem to have emotions i must've not cared about my mom and should just open the stupid letter. we managed to make up after that fight after some promises from me to be more transparent about money and i told her today that it was really rude when she said that about my mom, and that it was super uncalled for. she responded with saying she didn't feel bad about saying it and kept trying to justify it by saying that i had been acting worse. i did feel bad about the money and showing emotions things but she won't back down about what she said about my mom. am i the asshole here? to which she replied with a link to a song called fuck apologies.

nta

nta, and that “fuck apologies” link is a bigass go-ahead for you to break the fuck up with her.

i feel like you are nta. people shouldn't talk like that about their so's parents. just try to keep getting better. at worst, dump her ass. you then do not have to worry about spending your own m9ney or showing emotions.

9stgfh

aita for saying all people with down syndrome look alike?

the other day, i went to a family restaurant with my dad and brother. while waiting for our food, we were disturbed by a loud teenager. the teenager seemed very disoriented and he did not even seem to comprehend the orders of silence from his parents. once we left the restaurant we talked about it some more. after considering what we saw from him and other aspects of his behavior, we concluded as a group that the teenager we saw may have some type of mental disability. after we talked about this some more, i said that the guy probably has down syndrome because of how his faced looked. once i said this my dad and brother lashed out at me for making a stereotype and said i was acting like a bigot. everyone that i have seen who has down syndrome has had a similar facial shape and i always thought it was just a genetic thing. so when i saw him acting that way with the facial features he had, i believed he had down syndrome. am i just being ignorant?

nta

nta for saying this, because the distinctive facial features are a symptom of ds, but very potentially the asshole for *how* you said it

nta. most people with down syndrome **do** look alike. that's because it's a genetic disorder that's caused by the duplication of a specific chromosome, which results in the same change in appearance in everyone who has it. from [wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/down_syndrome): >down syndrome (ds or dns), also known as trisomy 21, is a genetic disorder caused by the presence of all or part of a third copy of chromosome 21. it is typically associated with physical growth delays, **characteristic facial features**, and mild to moderate intellectual disability.

9stmul

aita for not giving a teen son something that belonged to his father, whom he never met, because the dad died before his birth?

while i was a young drug experimenting teen, i met and dated a young man named john. at 17 we were living the young wild life and partying with ecstasy and acid among other drugs. one night john took too much acid and ecstasy and somehow started a small fire in his moms empty house we hung out in (she was trying to sell it at the time and she had moved out of state. his room was the only furnished room in the whole house). of course when police, emt, and fire responded and had to pull him out of the house, he was combative because of tripping on acid and not realizing what was going on (seeing men in fire suits coming in to get you while tripping probably isn’t fun at all). he was taken to a psych ward and held for a few days while he came down from his high. one of the responding police officers who helped detain him was actually my next door neighbor at the time. he knew that i was dating john and was really worried about him. the officer talked to my dad, and my dad replied to me that john was fine and getting the help he needed, but supposedly, he was calling out my name over and over for hours while coming down from his high. when john was released, and we were reunited john gave me his medical id bracelet from that psych ward stay. and of course, told me how much he missed me, and how the nurses said how in love he must be with tortoisequeen because that was the only thing he would say for a while. when you’re young and in love, these are cute little moments you hold on to. we had so much fun all summer, but then i needed to get away from the drugs, and therefore him as well, because he wasn’t ready to give them up. john ended up committing suicide. he had shot himself in the head, while he was being pulled over by the police for speeding, driving while suspended, and he had pounds of marijuana on him. he didn’t want to go to prison, and he was also very mentally unstable as well. he had sex with another girl shortly before this. she got pregnant, and has been claiming it was johns all this time. but she had no proof, for he was dead, and his parents wouldn’t answer her phone calls. this mental psych ward id bracelet is something that john gave me. i came across it the other day (it has been in my “memory box” for 16 years now) and sent a picture text to the mother of johns son. she immediately asked if her son could have it, because her son has absolutely nothing of his father’s. not even a picture. he has no idea what his dad looks like, but all he has to do is look in a mirror. they are twins. i told her i’d have to think about it. it’s been 3 weeks now and i feel so torn. i put myself in this young mans position, and as silly as an item that it is, it is something his dad wore. something his dad touched. and i’m sure he’d want it. but then i think that maybe he won’t care about a stupid piece of plastic and what if he throws it away or loses it? after all, john gave it to me. john and i, our story is attached to that id bracelet, and it brings back memories when i look at it and hold it. so am i the asshole, for not giving this teen kid possibly one of the only things he’d have that his dad touched?

nta

nta. your feelings and memories are important too. leave it to the kid in your will.

nta. it isn't your fault she has nothing that belonged to the kid's father.

9stthz

aita for fighting with my family over politics

this is a sensitive political moment in my country right now. a candidate that is borderline fascist just won the election. this guy has made many fucked up declarations about taking equal rights off of homossexuals, women, black people, communists and workships authorative, military, regimes. he has enabled tons of shitty people to come out of the gutter and things are getting a bit violent. found out my dad has voted for this fucking excuse of a human being. since then i just can't look at my dad the same way. we argued a lot in person, but now we stopped doing that and i'll just send him every news article i see about things getting fucked up because of this politian. he never replies though. my mom is upset with me because i'm "making politics more important than my own family" even if she doesn't support this politian either. i've tried explaining to her that i'm worried about my friends (and myself) but she doesn't get it. she thinks i should just let this go and go on about my days as if it's not happening. aita for not being able to let this go and put my family over my ideologies and friends?

nta

nta but be careful you don't lose your relationship with your parents. don't let that assclown politician take that from you.

nta, but i think you should probably stop sending the articles for now. i doubt that they're going to change anything right now. you aren't wrong to distance yourself from your dad..

9su3il

aita for telling a mother that her son might have add and should talk to someone to check?

i, a 20m, have been tutoring this kid for a couple weeks. he’s in 8th grade, and his mom wanted me to get him ahead of the class in math and help him do better in class. i’ve tutored other kids before with a tutoring company that i worked with for 6 months, and while working for that company i worked with dozens of kids from all grades at all different levels of intelligence. i’m not gonna pretend that i’m an expert or anything, but i do have a bit of experience working with kids and reading their behavior. i also have add. i was diagnosed about 10 months ago after having trouble in college, and apparently the only reason i wasn’t diagnosed earlier is because i was smart enough to compensate for it in high school. according to the psychologists i went to (because my parents and i got 3 different opinions before we fully believed it) this is actually not terribly uncommon. while working with this kid, i found that he was extremely smart - he had no problem understanding any of the concepts i was presenting to him despite the fact that it was far ahead of what he’d been up to in class. the only issue he seemed to have was with staying on task, to the point where i had to get him back on task every 5 minutes. this was an issue i remember having before i started therapy. last week i was talking to his mom after the session, and she mentioned that he had no issues understanding what was happening, but he would still often spend 3 times the amount of time his homework should’ve taken him. every time she would check on him when he was doing his homework, he’d be reading a book, or checking his phone, or looking out the window, or in general just not doing his work. however, he would still get up at 5am without her telling him to in order to finish essays or homework that he hadn’t gotten done the previous night. again, this would also have described me when i was in high school and trying to work. i knew that i might have been overstepping my bounds as a tutor, but i felt i had to say something. so before i could second guess myself i told her that she might want to consider taking her son to talk to someone to help him focus if this problem continued in high school. when she asked me what i meant by that, i said that i’d had similar problems in high school and after i talked to a psychologist who specialized in add on how to handle it, he taught me methods to stay focused and on task more easily. i told her that i apologized if i was overstepping my bounds and that i really did think that her son is insanely smart, and that he’d probably end up going to a better college than the one i go to (i go to a decent college). i just felt that he might benefit from a couple methods. after i said that i didn’t mean to overstep, she said that she was looking for feedback, and obviously at the end of the day it was her decision if they did anything with this information, to which i immediately agreed. she did seem slightly uncomfortable as we finished talking and scheduled the next session, but she did still schedule the next session. i can’t stop thinking about it and i just keep wondering if it would’ve been better if i hadn’t said anything. tl;dr: i, a 20 year old college student with no formal training in clinical psychology, was hired to tutor a woman’s 8th grade son in math and told her that he might have a learning disorder. did i do the right thing?

nta

if you said it in that way, nta. professionally, your tutoring program may have rules about where that line is, however

nta. her discomfort can mean a lot of things—it is uncomfortable to potentially learn something about your child that might profoundly affect how you/others perceive him. but i think as long as you don't keep badgering/pushing them (which it doesn't sound like you're going to do), you'll be fine. and potentially you've really elucidated something valuable for him and for her.

9su4ko

aita for assuming racism?

my little sister is a huge halloween fan. this year, she wanted to make a costume with a friend from school. they decided to make homemade costumes together. we are a family of southeast asian descent. me and my sister were born and raised in the west. so her friend comes over with supplies to make a costume. she's dropped off by her mom who meets our parents. they have a small conversation and she leaves. nothing untoward happened in the conversation. they make the costume, and the friend is picked up a bit later. a few hours after she leaves, my sister gets a message from her saying that she can't go trick-or-treating with her anymore. the friend says it's because she has to go trick or treating with her sibling instead. my little sister asked if she could join them but her friend said no, because she could only go with her sibling. i find it very suspicious that everything was fine until her mom met our family and realized we were brown. what do you guys think? racism or am i grasping at straws? i know this isn't really the place to post this but am i at a loss where i can get alternate opinions. so, am i the asshole for assuming racism? tldr; sister's friend says she can't go trick-or-treating with my sister once her mom meets us face to face.

nta

ok in my opinion nta. do i think that this was a case of racism? i have no idea. maybe she got in trouble about something else and her mom said she had to go with her sister or maybe her mom is racist af. but the fact that you don’t know is evidence enough that racism exists and is a very real and prevalent thing. but if you flew off the handle without investigating further, that would make you the asshole if you were wrong. tough one.

nta for sure but i don’t see it. then again i’m white. but then again i had a little sister i had to go trick or treating with and my friends couldn’t come even tho we’re in the same dang neighborhood bc she was so little and my mom was like ‘you’ll run off with your friends or they’ll distract you and that’s when little kids get kidnapped’ and she had a point i mean lots of little kids disappear close to home but honestly being that worried is pretty paranoid but white moms are the most neurotic so....

9sum9o

aita for telling a homeless person they're not that hungry?

so earlier today i was feeling really hungry and decided to go to a nearby jimmy john's on my college campus. there's a small park near the jj so after i got my sandwich i went over there to have my lunch. i sat down and the moment i opened my sandwich a homeless lady came over to me and said "hi, i'm really hungry. can i have some money?" i said, "i'm sorry, i don't have any cash on me right now but if you're hungry i have a couple protein bars in my backpack i can give you?" the lady then said something to the effect of "that's not real food, i want *real* food" and gestured towards my sandwich. i was surprised that she just refused what i was offering her so i told her "oh when then you must not be *that* hungry." at this point she got super pissed and started yelling at me so i just took my sandwich and left. i saw my girlfriend today and explained the situation and she said i was the asshole because even though the lady was rude in refusing to accept protein bars, i didn't have to be rude back and make that comment. i genuinely wasn't trying to be rude to this person and i feel sympathetic for her situation, but if she's approaching me saying she's hungry at which point i offered her food and she refused, i feel like the logical conclusion is that she really was not *that* hungry then. thoughts? **tl;dr: homeless person approached me saying they were hungry and asked for money. i offered her protein bars which she refused because it wasn't "real food" so i told her she must not be that hungry then.**

nta

definitely nta. beggars aren't choosers. the fact that she asked for money specifically and doesn't accept food raises a red flag.

nta she could've taken it and moved on, even if she wasnt to eat it right there. the comment was a little ill spirited but i know comments like that are a knee jerk reaction for me so i probably would've said the exact same thing.

9suznw

aita for trying to make sure my good friend spends his limited money wisely? (refuses to pay debts)

some background info: my friend who i've known for almost 10 years is getting agitated that i'm trying to help him spend his money wisely (considering he owes me and others money). mid 20s, moving from place to place, cheap hotels, pubs, sofas... spent large majority of pay on rent and video games. &#x200b; he owes me £50 and last month's rent £300. other expenses i'm probably not aware of with other friends. &#x200b; in the last month (2nd to last month was last big pay cheque and last month was 1 day of work pay, he quit), he's spent over £500 on video games. he literally has no money left. i am urging him to spend wisely, not on video games, save up some money. pay back his debts and make positive moves in life. yet he refuses and is asking why i'm talking about his money all of the time. &#x200b; i have hardly ever brought his money up, normally comes from him saying "i've spent 100s on games" or "i can only afford 35p spaghetti today". he literally complains about having no money, whilst simultaneously bragging/talking about how much he spends on video games. &#x200b; he's flipping out at me for what i see as trying to help him stay afloat, in a house with food. part of this is also to get my money back, i know he owes people and business's money, not sure on total amounts for everything but it's getting ridiculous. i'd rather cut the friendship and lose my money and be happier without a sad weight friend. &#x200b; surprisingly, i've worked in accountancy before. i just want him to handle funds properly. &#x200b; so aita? &#x200b; tldr; friend is bankrupt, wont stop spending money on games and micro transactions, refuses to pay debts. gets angry when i try to help his situation. don't want a friend like this. &#x200b;

nta

nta we always want our friends to have happy lives and be the best they can be. on the flip side, you aren’t this persons parent and aren’t responsible for their choices. don’t set yourself on fire to keep them warm. if you end up “lending” money to this person, consider it money well spent, because if they’re this poor with money management then you probably won’t get it back.

**tl;dr:** nta for wanting to help your friend (and get your money back), but partially an asshole for apparently constantly offering unwanted (although good) advice. ***** >he's flipping out at me for what i see as trying to help him stay afloat, in a house with food. he clearly doesn't want your help. you can't force people to be responsible, and you're only going to make both him and yourself more and more upset by trying. you can't help people who don't want to be helped. in fact, telling him how he should spend his money is just going to backfire on you. when someone is in a shitty situation like this, they tend to want to hold onto as much control of their lives as possible, and "refusing to listen to good advice" is one maladjusted way that some people seek to maintain personal autonomy (as is "spending too much money on frivolous stuff"). in the end, anyone who constantly tries to tell someone else how to live their life is going to be an asshole. even if your intentions are good, the consequences are that you're starting to piss him off. >i'd rather cut the friendship and lose my money and be happier without a sad weight friend. you don't have to cut the friendship if you don't want to, but you do need to accept that your £50 is gone, and you're probably never getting it back. at the very least take this as a lesson to never loan him money again. if he ever asks, just tell him that he already owes you £50, and you never loan money to someone who hasn't paid you back for a previous loan. that said, if his lack of personal responsibility (and subsequent complaining about the consequences of his own actions) is causing too much stress, i don't think that anyone would think you were an asshole for cutting ties.

9sv9jo

aita for yelling at my so for pushing my dog?

my dog is allowed on chair and my so and i have been together for 2 years. my so and i were arguing about something petty and my dog was sitting on a chair. my so pushed my dog off the chair hard and my dog landed on his side but he was okay he jumped up and was fine. i started screaming at my so at the top of my lungs to fight someone his own size and that if he ever hurts my dog again he will be gone and i will dump him. i told my so that my dog did nothing to deserve to be pushed and i will defend my dog.

nta

nta. that’s not right. if a person takes their anger out on animals, it raises a bunch of red flags for me.

nta, but i would have broken up with him right then and there for touching my dog in an aggressive way. dog wins over so, sorry!

9svx5v

aita for pressuring my gf to ghost her ex?

so i (17 yo male) have been dating a girl for about 3 months now. i'm really into her and could see us getting really serious in the future if a few things changed. now, this girl had an ex who's mostly a really cool guy. i was actually his friend before i met my gf. however, he dumped her back in march or april ( i don't remember which) for valid reasons (the relationship was about to become long distance and he couldn't deal with that). the messed up part is that he kept flirting with her and leading her on for a few months after that. fat forward to the present day and idk if she has ever gotten over him. one of our mutual friends told me she talks about him like she's crushing on him but she says she likes only me. it doesn't help that she admits that she talks to him more than she does me. i believe her when she says she loves me but wonder about what would happen if he asked her out. in my relationship i wanted to feel special and prioritized. not second fiddle. i told her that and asked her not to talk to him. she said he was her friend and she wasn't going to give up on him. around this time, the other guy found out that i had asked her that and called me a dick, in public. i responded by telling him to fuck off. my gf was there and refused to take a side. i was really worried by her behavior there so i told her that i was going to have too take a break from our ship to figure out of i could deal with this. part of it was that that was true but it was mostly me pressuring her to pick me over him. tldr; my gf may like her ex, who she still keeps on contact with, more than me, and i've put a lot of pressure on her to choose me over him by cutting him off.

nta

nta if the relationship obviously isn't stable and if it's true about her talking that much about an ex, she's obviously into him and you need to tell her exactly how you feel or break up with her. it's not normal for someone to be that obsessed with their ex whilst dating someone else. it's not fair for you. don't listen to the the others saying that it is your fault because that's bs, yeah she does need to choose as she can't have both. in my honest opinion, she's being very greedy.

nta. her relationship with her ex sounds inappropriate and disrespectful. the fact she then told him this and his reaction was to confront you in the street is pretty alarming. yeah, you probably didn't handle the situation well. but you're 17, you're understandably upset, and neither you, nor your gf really know how to communicate or behave in a serious relationship. ultimately, she's the asshole because she put you in a very difficult situation and caused you distress and pain. sure, in theory you could have just 'talked about your feelings' and not explicitly given an 'ultimatum' or asked her to stop. but let's get real. saying, "i'm really unhappy with the way you've been talking to your ex", is an ultimatum and there isn't a pragmatic way of dealing with it. reddit will hate you though. they think everyone should be best friends with their ex and see relationships as either idealic or abusive.

9svxrc

wibta to tell my ex her new man is bad for her and/or ask for money back.

ok not sure if this should go here, but i am a long time lurker and saw another "would i be the asshole" so i decided to go for my own. it's kinda a two parter. so here i go. my ex from about 4-5 months ago has a new man in her life. which i'm cool with, it was my choice to break up, we were only together for a few months, and we just weren't compatible as couple. we have continued to be friends, and she came over to borrow a carry on bag for a plane trip. (i travel for work so she knew i had extra lugage) as a thank you we went out to get some icecream and she paid. later she tells me her bf was angry that she saw me and didn't tell him before, and that we got icecream together was unacceptable. we used to go out to dinner every once in a while just to chat and catch up some. i don't like to talk on the phone, and my witty sarcasm doesn't come through via text all that well lol. so i do this with lots of friends. however after the icecream issue she has put off getting together again, and finally admitted that he will not let her, and he doesn't seem to be open to all three of us going out. so maybe he can hopefully see nothing is going on or at least chaperone her so we can still hang. so would i be an asshole for telling her, if he is treating her like that now it is probably because he is controlling or just dosnt trust her. she has had issues with controlling men in her past and it has taken extremes for her to break it off with them. i feel like as a friend i should say something, but as an ex it's not my place to make verbal judgments on who she is with. part 2 that all being said when we were dating, she borrowed 450$ total from me. if i say nothing and her bf pretty much shuts me out, would i be an asshole to ask for that money back now or asap? i know she still dosnt have a lot of extra cash but if we are no longer able to be friends i feel weird with still saying, yea just pay me back whenever. why i lent her the money: when we started dating she had just moved back to the area an got a new job with lots of down time, but were not allowed to have their phone out. she wanted to get a smart watch so we could still chat a bit. (i also wanted this) with the move and some other issues she didn't really have expendable income, so i bought her a smart watch so we could still chat, and she was just pay me back later. (she got a good job so i wasn't to worried). also when she was moving to her new apartment while we were together i was out of town and her friends bailed on her. she had to hire movers, so i lent her money for that as well. on the bright side we are friends and hang out again every once and a while. she is in a new better job, and has her eye on a dr at her hospital. he is married, but i guess going through a separation lol so we will see what happens.

nta

nta, the title originally made it seem like the stereotypical jealous guy but in this case you’re really just a concerned friend who happened to be an ex.

nta in either case. though maybe if there was a mutual friend, that mutual friend could help convey the controlling aspect better because those are some serious red flags (if she's not on reddit, maybe point her to some relevant subs to help her). as for the money, you should probably ask her when she can manage to return it but be ready to cut your losses.

9svzdh

aita for not being able to give a friend a ride?

some time ago, i was hosting dinner for my cousins who had come from out of town. while i was preparing dinner with my cousins literally driving on the way over, a friend called me asking for a ride. she had dropped her car off at the auto shop about 10 minutes away from her place. she had been told that the car would be ready within the hour. by the time she got back from walking around the area to kill time, the shop had closed leaving her unable to get her car and drive home. since i was expecting my guests to arrive any minute, couldn’t leave them and i live about half an hour away from where she lives, i told her i couldn’t give her a ride and i told her to try uber. later that night, i went on facebook and she had posted about the incident at the auto shop. the last line of the post was a passive aggressive dig along the lines of “i guess i don’t have as many friends as i thought i did”. it bothered me but i did not respond. a few days after that, we met up for dinner. somehow, my dinner with my cousins came up and she brought up the fact that while i was having dinner with them, she was calling other people trying to get a ride. she called three other people before she was finally able to find someone willing to. they went out to dinner where she complained about me. that person took her side and said i was in the wrong. i reiterated that i couldn’t leave my cousins and asked her what i was supposed to do. she said i should have gone to pick her up. when i asked her what i should have done about my cousins on the way, she said that they had a car to wait in, basically saying i should have let them wait for me in their car while i went to pick her up. at this, i got mad and told her that i had my own life and my own responsibilities and that it was unreasonable for her to expect me to drop everything, drive half an hour and drive her 10 minutes from the shop to her home when she could just get an uber, a taxi, or a bus. she responded that one day, i’ll be in her position and know what it’s like. i told her that if i was ever in that situation, i would try to solve the problem on my own first rather than call on others to help me as a first resort. aita?

nta

nta. she’s responsible for her transportation unless you agreed otherwise, which you didn’t. sta for being passive aggressive instead of talking about her feelings when it happened.

nta like you said uber. you had plans you couldn't abandon and you didn't promise to pick her up. it sucks but that's how shit works. i've had this happen and am not, was not, angry the friend couldn't get me it was a stupid mistake on *my* part and *i* fixed it. my situation was a bit different but also very similiar, while yes it would've been nice for a friend to help out, they couldn't i understood.

9sw1yg

aita for yelling at my neighbors?

my neighbor loves his car, to the point of obsession. like he's seriously always working on his car from the moment i wake up to go to uni, until when i go to sleep. now, heres the problem-- sometimes he tinkers ans its really loud and annoying. i go to uni all morning and drive back home to study, or i have work. on weekends is the only time i get sleep really. literally the only days i get the luxury of waking up at 9 instead of 7. every f--ing saturday at 6 am my neighbor wakes me up tinkering with his car. like, i've never been so frustrated with anything else when i wake up to that tinkering, check the clock, and its 6 am. i cant go back to sleep because i'm so pissed off even when i move. when i do go back to sleep i feel like it interrupts my deep sleep and i wake up super late and groggy. one day i yelled out my window "can you shut the fuck up?!" aita? tldr; neighbor wakes me up on saturdays with the tinkering of his car at 6 am, i yell at him to shut the fuck up. my job is also promotional modeling so when i have eye bags it really is a pain in the butt. some days i even sleep on the couch in my living room than my bedroom when i have a promo the next day and don't want to be interrupted. i've never really talked to him either because hes a 40 something biggish man and i'm a 20 year old asian girl, and i honestly don't know how to strike up a conversation without it being weird.

yta

yta but so is he. 6 is too damn early to be making loud noises. yelling at a neighbor to shut the fuck up is pretty assholy too. especially if you have never talked to him about it. next saturday if he's out working on his car, grab a couple beers, walk over, say sorry for yelling at him, hand him the beer, and ask him politely to start later on the weekends. if he keeps doing it, he's the asshole and you can make a noise complaint to the police.

yta for yelling at him instead of going over at any other time and asking him to respect a little sleep in time. but he's definitely a bigger asshole for banging around that early! i was always taught not to cut the grass or any noisy, outdoor chores until 10.

9swdm2

aita for stealing my neighbors dog?

happened a while ago but i still get mixed opinions when i tell people about it so i figured i’d ask you guys. i live in an 3 unit apartment (two upstairs units and one downstairs) my downstairs neighbors had a dog that sat outside every day. it was a super cute pit bull, i didn’t live here when they got it but my roommate did, it was about one year old. let me start by saying i believe that neglect is animal abuse, therefore i believe this dog was being abused pretty rough. it sat outside 24/7 in piles of trash, it had an old couch that it loved i guess you could say, it was all torn up and was essentially the dogs only toy, the dog got food and water every day but i never once saw anyone petting it, nor did i ever see it be taken out for walks, or even let inside. it was just outside in dirty trash all day every day. i live in an area where it never snows, so when winter came, so did the rain. but this didn’t change anything, still this poor dog would sit in its trash piles, only now it was also being soaked by the rain, he was always covered in mud after this, but still the downstairs neighbor didn’t seem to care. they even got rid of his favorite couch! i would throw him food from the window every chance i’d get, id spend time everyday staring at the dog and he’d stare right back at me while i threw him whatever scraps i’d had, i’d began forming a relationship with this dog, i cared about it and i hated to see the way it was living. one day after it had just rained and i was looking at him all muddy and sad i’d decided enough was enough, i waited until my neighbors left the house and hopped the fence to their backyard. the dog recognized me and wanted to play right away, he would run back and forth in game of “catch me if you can” i guess. but finally i got him to settle down and i picked him up and took him with me in my friends car. we took him out for the day and he was one of the sweetest dogs i’d ever met, he was so friendly and playful, you’d never imagine that a dog this happy and caring could’ve come from such trashy living conditions (no pun intended). we took him to the beach, he even met a couple other dogs and acted sweet as could be, i recognize how this may have been a little irresponsible considering i didn’t know how the dog would interact with other dogs, but i got lucky and he was great with them. my friend and i took him for walks all around the city, got him a new collar and a new leash at the pet store. we showed this dog what seemed like the best day of its life. i ended up finding a friend to take the dog for me, he introduced the dog to one of the dogs he already had and they seemed to get along well enough, i visited the dog about a week later and he seemed like a brand new dog, so happy and full of energy, and he seemed to love the other two dogs that were now his new brother and sister. it made my heart warm. i know what i did was wrong in a sense, but i don’t feel bad about it. i heard the downstairs neighbor search for it for about a day, just calling his name out, but i didn’t see any lost dog posters anywhere, nor did i get a knock on my door asking if i knew the whereabouts. i’m just curious what you guys think, am i the asshole in this situation?

nta

...nta. you saved the dog from what seems like a pretty bad situation, and i applaud you for that, but judging by the reaction of the owner, they wouldn't have minded if youd just asked for the dog. so kudos for rescuing it, but dont steal peoples pets. they could've just been in a bad financial situation and couldn't look after it properly. and especially when you're a neighbor and they'll likely see you with the dog, just ask.

nta and i applaud your actions. it may be wrong to steal but that dog doesn't care... and nor do the owners

9sx0c6

aita for arguing about money with my mom?

i try to keep this as short as possible. i didn't grow up poor, we always had food, clothes (even though they were cheap knock-off brands that were worn out pretty fast), water, electricity.... you get the idea. however, i never got pocket money, or any jobs with papers because of my brother, but that's a different story. so i could never spend money on things i wanted and had to beg to get it for birthday / christmas and so on. after the divorce of my parents the money was tight, so no luxury at all, not even a chocolate. but that was fine. forward to recent years, i lived with my mom. i got a job with decent pay. we shared expenses (rent, food, cleaning...) so that everyone has some money for themselves. i could buy what i wanted, but almost every time my mom criticized it. this went on for four years. forward to a few weeks ago. i have my own flat and a pretty good paying job. and i have the chance to get a better job, but there's not much i can do to get it, it's from an external service company to the company i work at internally. but if i get that job, i will get almost twice my monthly salary. and as i told my mom, and she said something like "i expect you to give me some money every month." it wasn't a joke. she didn't ask, she demanded it. and i said no, i can help if she needs money, and doesn't have to give it back. then, she said she always helped me, which is correct. when i was short on money, she loaned me some and i gave it back asap. but she didn't give me pocket money or money presents out of my birthday, christmas and such. then she said she was very disappoiqnted in me i wouldn't give her money. but she doesn't need it, she lives a comfortable life. she has no shortage on money. but i worked really hard to get this job, and work my ass off to only get a chance at this internal job. so, *aita* for not wanting to give her money?

nta

nta. like you said, she lives a comfortable life. you are not obligated to give her an allowance when she does not need it. if she had fallen on hard times, that would be a different story, but you don’t have to financially support her just because she wants you to.

nta. having a child and raising them is not a forced-at-birth indentured servitude contract. you don't do it to get paid back when you're done; you do it because you have a child and you love them and want them to grow into the best possible version of themselves they can be. your mother, however, seems to have the bizarre idea that she is entitled to your money just because she gave birth and raised you. she is the asshole of this story.

9sx31a

aita for not allowing my best friend to date my younger sister?

i brought my best friend (age 22) to my hometown for a holiday to show him around and meet my family. however, on the first time he met my younger sister (18) they ended up hooking up that night. he apologised the next day however it happened again 2 days later. after we returned back to the city that him and i live in, he informs me they are still "talking". the thing is though i find it incredibly uncomfortable. i've made it clear to them but it still seems they are at it. am i the asshole for saying this and trying to prevent them from becoming something? i mean, they're both consenting and of age adults that can make they're own decisions... i just can't get over it. thoughts?

yta

yta. your sister is an adult. many relationships and marriages begin this way. you brought someone home and it is assumed the person has good character and morals since you thought it was okay to expose this friend to your adult sister.

yta. like you said, they're both adults and are clearly into it. who are you to control their actions?

9sy2y5

wibta for kicking out my fiance?

short backstory, we met in college toward the end of our final semesters. we fell for each other fast, became inseparable. she was a super positive, motivated person who cared a great deal about her physical, mental, and financial health. after only knowing each other for a few months, she ended up pregnant (apparently antibiotics mess up the pill?). i had already bought a ring, we were that happy together. she was temperamental during her pregnancy but, you know, hormones, i grinned through it, constantly there for her, etc. she couldn't thank me enough for how wonderful i was being, even though she went from "woo a baby look at these cute clothes" to "i wish it would just die in the womb i'm not ready i don't want this" in a matter of minutes (red flag). so out comes our daughter, everything seems okay at first, she's clearly only angry/ depressed because of the hormones, right? this was 11 months ago. she constantly sprints between how happy she is and how much she loves us and wanting to run away/ kill herself. turns out she's very, very bipolar. without going into too much detail i'll give you a vague understanding of some pretty usual issues that arise, which i simply ignore or let go. apparently, even though i work 40/week, waking up at 3am, i "disregard her sleep and it must not matter to me if she's getting enough." i let her sleep in almost every day i'm off, and she takes a nap alongside the baby every single day. meanwhile i'm staying up later than i should most nights, because she's crying for whatever reason (not trying to marginalize her complaints, she just cries over inane things). our sex life is... sporadic at best, she never initiates, often flies off the handle if i attempt to. she'll ask me to do something she could easily do herself/ take care of the baby on my own so she can take a break and promise me a bj in return, then when the time comes she always asks the same thing. "i'm tired, are you mad if we do a rain check?" that rain check is never cashed. if they had been physically written out the stack of checks would be taller than my house. however, she will break this promise, then ask me to rub her feet, i'll do it most of the time so she doesn't spend an hour badgering me about it, then sulk the next day. if i tell her "yeah i'll be disappointed if you don't, you did promise, and i did whatever", she'll instantly go on the offensive. speaking of those "breaks"... she once told me that my break from baby duties was going to work. i work a physically intensive job, usually come home exhausted. she's all happy when i walk in the door, but as soon as my boots are off and i've had a chance to smoke a cigarette, she's telling me i need to handle the kid because she's done enough today, followed by her going to another room, chain smoking and getting high (which i don't care about, who doesn't like a bowl) while playing games on her tablet. i'm physically exhausted and yet she needs to take a break from putting the baby in her high chair and turning on a movie for her, before playing on her tablet. her physical health is a joke now, she's outright said she doesn't care about it anymore and that she'll just stay fat. her words. the straws that broke the camel's back (at least enough to make this post) are two fold. last week i tried to talk to her about the comment she made about work being my break, she yelled at, told me i just wanted to argue (should mention, i've never once raised my voice, never argue, i'm basically a fucking doormat) and stormed off to get high. straw two is happening as we speak. i got hurt at work yesterday, one hand is currently useless and the other is sore from the shots they gave me. when the kid woke up this morning, i asked her to grab her out of bed so i can go make a bottle and use the bathroom. i was immediately yelled at (630 in the morning, in pretty bad pain) that i'm disregarding her sleep again. so i get up, make a bottle one handed, get dressed one handed, pick up the kid with one arm, and go feed her, change her diaper and clothes, and get her a movie playing for background noise while she's in her playpen with some toys. the finance is still asleep as of writing this. i'm leaving out a lot of details, like the lack of laundry ever being done, the pile of dirty dishes on her bedside table, etc. like i said i'm a fucking push over and probably won't do anything because there's a kid involved and the kid matters more than i do. but am i an asshole for thinking i should send her packing? maybe try and be happy myself? remove this slovenly influence from my kids life?

nta

nta. your wife sounds like she's struggling with mental health. if she does indeed suffer from bpd, post-partum depression (ppd) may also be a factor here. she needs help but only she can make that call. your job is to make sure your daughter is safe and healthy. based on what you wrote, i would not consider your wife in her current state to be able to deliver on either of those reliably. you're pretty self-aware of being a pushover. you may want to consider individual therapy for yourself (and marriage counseling for both if conditions are right) so you can effect positive change.

this is a hard one, but i'm leaning towards nta. you need to push the mental health plan more. if it's true and she is diagnosed bipolar, you have to be medicated and in treatment to meet a baseline for caring for your child.

9sy52q

aita, for telling an overweight girl to lose some weight?

so basically i've been going to school with this one girl for 5-6 years now, she's always been overweight. this year i think she is at her heaviest. she's always complained about her weight and how people make fun of her for it (not to be but i she's loud when she talks to her friends. about a week ago i walked by her and her friends near my locker, she was red faced and looked like she's been crying alot. one of her friends looked at me and said "what?!" kinda angrily, i turned around to try to just avoid it i guess and she said "what are you looking at?!". i sheepishly turned around and said "if being made fun of for being overweight bothers you so much, maybe it's worth losing some of it". aita? i wasn't trying to be rude or anything but she and her friends were kinda shocked i'd say that.

yta

yta besides of what the other commenters have mentioned, you also snapped at the wrong girl. it was her friend who started it, yet you attacked not her, but the easy victim who was already crying.

>if being made fun of for being overweight bothers you so much, maybe it's worth losing some of it if it causes you pain to be treated like shit, you just need to change whatever your bullies treat you like shit about and they'll stop*. *until they find something else to bully you about i get that it's annoying when people complain instead of take action, but you're not her friend. you're not her doctor. you don't know what lies beyond the superficial. you were not coming from a place of compassion, but bitterness. yta.

9sylpj

aita for not being nice to this special needs guy?

i started going to a special ed school ~2 years ago. there are kids with a verity of problems here, from mild social anxiety to autism. when i first got to the school, an older (about 19) kid started talking to me. i noticed that he has some sort of disability, so i was nice to him. i didn't make much of it, just a kid wanting to talk. but i guess he really liked me or something, because he started to bug me every day, even when it was clear i am not in the mood. he told me i was pretty and gave me gifts, which was nice at first but became creepy pretty fast. i asked my teacher to tell him to back off, because i stopped wanting to leave the classroom so i don't have to meet him. after she talked to him he backed off a little bit, but now every time our paths crossed he'd stare at me and i felt really bad. he also started visiting my class- standing in the doorway, waiting to catch my eyes, then leaving. in the middle of last year i stopped going to school, and this year when i came back i got another teacher, and he's back at it again, bugging me and talking to me when i really don't want to. i don't want to offend him by telling him off, but i really don't have the patience to deal with him. i try to be as cold as possible so he'll get the hint, but there are people around us and i don't want to come out as mean and rude. aita for feeling like this? note- i am not scared he'll hurt me. he never tried touching me and there are people around most of the time.

nta

nta. you shouldn't have to endure feeling uncomfortable all the time just because someone has a disability. this has nothing to do with discrimination or anything of the sort. you're simply not interested.

nta just because he has a mental disability doesn't mean you should have to put up with it or pity him. if you don't like a person then you don't like them that's all there is to it. my best friend used to date a guy with so many mental disorders and he was just a mess and she was miserable. but she stayed cuz of pity :) don't forget your a person too that deserves happiness !!

9syond

wibta if i australian didn't tip for food while visiting the us?

in australia we don't tip. the most you'll see is a glass jar for putting in coins at the local bakery or fish and chip shop. if i were to visit the us, would i be an asshole for not tipping? as i understand tipping is done to help offset low wages, but that's an extra expense that i'm not sure i'm willing to cough up. like i get it, but i don't? anyways, let me know what you think!

yta

yes yta. follow cultural norms in the country you’re visiting.

yta. it is considered very rude (unless the service is truly terrible) to not tip. to give some perspective: i believe the minimum wage for servers is ~$2.75. many restaurants do not pay their servers/bartenders more than this minimum wage, so the staff truly relies on tips for any kind of income. it’s a terrible system, but you aren’t going to make it any better/easier by simply refusing the custom. these people often have families they are trying to support on pennies, the least you can do is throw a few dollars their way.

9syvya

aita for emailing my friend rather than calling her?

my friend is intellectually-intimidating. she’s a mid-50s professor and i’m a 35 dental office secretary. this woman was explicitly talking about her teenage daughters sex life. i felt uncomfortable because i know her daughter and the daughter tells me herself personal details about her life, so i felt like the mom telling our whole group of friends behind the daughters back wasn’t right. i froze in the moment. i went home and felt aweful i didn’t speak up and ask my friend to please, stop talking such gruesome details about her kids sex life... next time i will speak up. instead though, i dwelled on it and got more upset and started to write an email. i don’t call this friend and chat, i don’t visit her often and when i do i go with my bf because it’s originally his friend. i see her at parties and she visits with her daughter to our place sometimes for parties. we’ve brought the daughter camping with us (she doesn’t want her mom to come too, typical teenager. she’s a great kid and very smart). my email essentially said that i don’t agree with the level of details she shares about her daughter behind her daughters back. and that i personally would be mortified if my own mom had talked about me like that when i was a teenager. i told her if she does it again, i’ll walk away from the conversation - that’s how strongly i feel about it. if she cares to share appropriate details, such as her daughters school trip or good test score, great! i want to hear all about it! the mom emailed back apologizing saying she wouldn’t talk about her kids personal stuff anymore. by that time i felt like the asshole for not having the guts to simply call. i should have called. i will call next time. i was and am just so incredibly intimidated by her because she is condescending and has repeatedly told me “you don’t understand” when i’ve asked her about different topics before. she is a nice person, just deeply insecure about needing an audience to “lecture” to, even if that audience is our group of friends... anyway, i replied to the email that i didn’t intend she change her ways - simply that i was changing my behaviour the next time she chose to over share. i learned my lesson - confront her in the moment. tell her to stop over sharing, or convince why it’s appropriate to talk about her kid like she did. god, i’m an asshole!

nta

like, nta, i don't see the issue here? the fact you e-mailed instead of called means nothing imho. i'd rather get an e-mail than a call about something like this because it gives me time to reflect on what has been said. i think you're overthinking this.

nta you gave her fair warning in a format where she didn’t have to respond right away. imo that was very nice of you, because if you leaving the conversation would be embarrassing to her, she now has enough information to avoid it.

9sz91p

aita for using comfortability as a way to get girls?

i'm not sure if i'm creating win-win situations or not, but i feel as though my behavior is beyond manipulative. i am very very good at reading rooms, people, etc. i can almost always tell what a person is thinking based upon their body language, the pitch of their voice, the words they're saying, their eye movement, and i take advantage of this a lot when speaking to pretty young women who i find attractive. i say what they need to hear and because i can do it in a flirtatious way, it pretty much always works. their ability to be vulnerable with me without me judging them in any way turns them on i think, because for the most part young women constantly fight that feeling of social pressure to appear and present a certain way. i help them to feel comfortable in a non-threatening way of course, it's not my style to ever take advantage of young women physically, and i don't initiate physical contact until we've had a solid conversation ever. i enjoy helping people feel good about themselves, but i'm still left wondering if the fact that i do it with a sense of reciprocal altruism makes me a huge asshole.

nta

as long as the sex is consensual and you earned it with your words, i don’t see an issue. unless it turns to manipulation or abuse, this is perfectly fine nta

eh nta unless you're dropping them like a sack of bricks afterward.

9szh87

aita for asling my boyfriend if he's going to complain every time?

my boyfriend has celiac's disease and due to that prices for foods that he can eat are significantly higher, the problem comes up is when we talk about it he complains about the food prices every. single. time. it's getting on my nerves and i asked him if he's going to complain every single time about it because it makes a casual conversation about diet or groceries into something awkward where he tells me i can't eat food we buy because of the cost. he's been living with celiac for a while and i just want him to get past it.

nta

nta, but you should probably stop eating the special food as much as possible and eat normal foid when it's feasible. it's a reasonable request.

nta for asking him to wind down the complaining. i agree with u/nemo_sum though, that refraining from eating his expensive special food is a reasonable request though if you have cheaper alternatives available. i mean, does he want you to prepare a separate dinner dish or is it more about snacking on his food?

9szla1

aita for getting upset with my bf for calling me an "8/10"?

i'm not unrealistic about my looks, i know i'm not a supermodel. however i am in very good shape and i have a pretty face. i used to be much more rigorous about working out, which has gone way down since i started my career. but i still stay in great shape and am slim. bf is an extremely athletic guy, but i don't think he's more physically attractive than i am, just more fit. we were drinking about a month ago, and i jokingly got him to rate me. i wasn't expecting him to say 8/10, but it kind of shocked me, as all my previous boyfriends have spoken to me as though i was the most beautiful woman and called me 10/10. it made me feel unique and wanted and it just felt good to hear that. in comparison, it hurt to learn that my current bf doesn't feel that way. i stewed on it for a month, then last night i decided not to bottle up my feelings anymore and told him how i felt when i first heard it. he again confirmed that he thinks i am 8/10 in the looks category, but that i "make up for it by being 12/10 everywhere else." i really didn't know what to make of that. i have just opened up to him explaining it hurts me and he just confirms what he said? i didn't know how to talk to him about it, so i kind of clammed up and was distant for the rest of the evening. he kept trying to talk to me, and i just kept telling him it made me feel bad, but he never took it back. i just want him to tell me i am 10/10 in his eyes, even if it's not true. aita? tl:dr: bf told me i am 8/10 after some prompting from me, it hurt my feelings, i stewed on it and brought it up again to tell him how i feel, he confirmed i am 8/10 to him and now i am hurt and distant but honest with him about why i'm being this way. edit 2: starting to look like i am the asshole. open to suggestions on how to fix this or not be an asshole. the relationship is important to me but have i damaged it permanently? edit 3: final update, i told him the truth and apologized as per your suggestions. i said i love him and i know i'm being stupid about a small thing but that was how i feel. he used the words "you are 10/10 in my eyes" so i guess i finally got what i wanted, but i don't feel good about it because of how i treated him. so i apologized again, for making a big deal out of it and bringing it up in the first place and being cold about it last night. thank you all for giving your perspective.

yta

yta. don’t ask your boyfriend to rate you (even as ‘a joke’) if you are going to take the answer so seriously that you bring up the ‘wrong’ answer a month later.

yta you shouldn't have asked him to rate you if you didn't want the truth. and if you were just fishing for compliments, you should have found a different way to do it. he probably feels led into a trap; i know i would. you ask for a number score rating, but get upset about anything that isn't the one number that you wanted to hear, so much so that you are still upset a month later. almost nobody is a 10/10. there is no point being angry at him because you asked him a question that you didn't want the answer to. i know that it stings because you see yourself as a 10/10, but 8/10 by no means says that he finds you unattractive. it just means that there are models/actresses that are more beautiful. it is an honest answer. nobody can really expect any better. by the way, i just asked my girl to rate me. she said that i am 4/10 and would continue to be until i shave my beard.

9szrye

aita for having my co-worker re-do something because it wasn't done how i said to do it?

there is a new employee in the office, who has been here for two months. she is still learning (and doesn't always understand instructions from the boss nor from me). i am frequently having to re-do her work for her or show her on the computer how to do something. today we had a strict deadline to get this document out by 10. 9:45 rolls around and she brings me what she said was the finished document. it was missing a lot of the formatting, headers and footers that were on the last draft. i quickly undid her work and redid it with her watching. i did it very fast because we had 10 minutes to get it over to the client. when i asked her what happened to the formatting and the headers/footers, she said she didn't know. my instructions were to delete a few paragraphs and to use "save as" to save a new copy, as to not lose the paragraphs incase we needed them again. what she had done was copied and pasted the document into a new word document, which meant a lot of the formatting was lost. later this morning, she came over with another document that needed to be fixed and she said, "i wanted you to know what i did wasn't wrong. it just wasn't your way of doing it." i brought up the lack of formatting and the header/footer and she just gave me an annoyed look. she also said "you went too fast and i didn't see what you did." i explained that it had to go out by 10 but, i then showed her what i did and how i did it. i do give her tips on how to do things faster since she right clicks to do copy/paste and it's excruciating to watch when you know the cltr+ shortcuts but, i don't force her to use them, just show her how to. tldr: co-worker didn't follow instructions on how to save document and i had to do it over again. aita for wanting her to do the document my way?

nta

nta that's how you learn. sounds like she's pretty defensive too.

nta she never asked you for help or to slow down. she sounds like a lazy asshole that has no place in that line of work

9szstd

aita for being uncomfortable with my gf going out dancing with another guy?

she had plans to go out dancing with friends last weekend, and i was coming down with a cold so i decided to stay in. she texted me later that all her friends had bailed except for one guy who i haven't met. she asked if i felt uncomfortable if she went out dancing with just him. i responded that i did feel uncomfortable. she responded "i guess i'll just stay at home then". i said "don't ask something if you don't want an answer. i don't need a guilt trip". she said "i don't need your permission to go out with friends." i said "you didn't ask for permission, you asked if i felt uncomfortable. i agree you don't need my permission for anything". she texted back "i think we need a break." i didn't respond for a couple days. thanks for the outside perspective.

nta

nta. you handled it well. i think she might like hanging out with this guy. either that or she doesn't want to be tethered down completely relationship wise. sorry bud.

nta. she asked you if you were comfortable with it, you said you weren't, and you didn't make her do anything. you just gave your honest opinion.

9szvvz

aita for not inviting a friend to a movie night?

i'm part of a friend group that really enjoys watching movies, and it is made up of six people (excluding me). we regularly go watch movies together in theaters and hold movie nights at each other's homes. one of our friends (let's call him tom) is a film student in university. and he is an absolute pain to go watch movies with. he nitpicks every single movie that we watch together to the point it sucks all the joy out of the movie. when we've confronted him about it, he blows it off as him being "analytical" and thinks that we're not "enlightened enough to understand true film". next week, i'm hosting a movie night for my friends, and i am seriously considering not inviting tom over, and just inviting my five other friends. my parents and my brother thinks i'm being an asshole, and i do feel a little bad about excluding him from a group activity like this. aita? &#x200b;

nta

nta youve brought it up before and he hasnt changed. i wouldnt tell him about it but its not your fault for wanting to have an enjoyable night with friends

nta. if he can’t stfu while watching a movie, even after you mentioning it to him, then you don’t need to invite him. but that doesn’t mean you are excluding him from the group as a whole, just movie events. he’ll figure it out.