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SOCKET_DATA/hahackathon#humor_rating/label_list.txt

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+humor rating

SOCKET_DATA/hahackathon#humor_rating/test_labels.txt

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SOCKET_DATA/hahackathon#humor_rating/test_text.txt

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+Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your  face.
+A girl runs up to her mother with a pile of crap in her hand "Look what I almost stepped in!"
+gotta wonder if baseball still would've been called america's pastime if candy crush was around
+When you're dreading getting in the shower cuz you're lazy, but then you get in and you're like, this is my home now.
+Parenthood feels like you're on a magical unicorn that's on fire and eats your food.
+It's Friday night and I'm out of control! Getting a bit wild tonight cuz I'm about to put on my good pajamas, and eat some Froot Loops on the couch with a fluffy blanket.
+me: I didn't know this was a hibachi restaurant waiter throwing shrimp at me: it's not I just don't like your face
+Maybe we need to turn the United States off and then back on again.
+I asked my North Korean friend how it was there.. .. he said he couldn't complain.
+me at karaoke: if the crowd isn't digging me you do your thing my friend who can throw up on cue: no worries
+they never mention this but you can only become a veterinarian once you can untangle two geese
+My girlfriend told me that my dick is two inches bigger than her ex's. And that is why she will never go back into a lesbian relationship.
+Yes, that was my husband skipping on national television. He's a bit competitive. Still A Kid At Heart Beat An Eighth Grader
+The first minute in the hot tub always feels the best... after that it's hard to relax with my neighbors yelling at me to get out of their yard.
+Saw a homeless guy babbling about conspiracy theories that doesn't really make sense... You could say it was a vague rant.
+I burned a kid in a wheelchair today. Hot wheels.
+What's the difference between mass and weight? Mass is where Catholics go on Sunday, and weight is where sundaes go on Catholics. 
+My condolences for you and your family through this difficult transition is why my wife won't let me send back wedding RSVP cards.
+You know... When someone says to you "Jesus loves you." It's always comforting. Unless you are in a Mexican jail.
+If Whites were the 'positive' in 1950s. Then blacks must been 'niggative'
+The US flag on the moon lost its color and is now completely white It's now the French flag.
+Scratch and win tickets that look like scabs where you have to pick them off to see if you won.
+What's the difference between a blonde and an Airbus A380? Not everyone has been in an Airbus A380.
+Having sex with a waitress sucks. She only takes the tip.
+The difference between husbands and wives: When my wife says 'I need to talk to you about something', there is a 99% chance it's not good. When I say 'I need to talk to you about something', there is an 99% chance it will be followed by a fart.
+Out of respect for all of you who have children and are forced to homeschool I've started drinking heavily this morning…
+What's another name for a boxy plow pulling baby maker? A Mexican. 
+I am so ready for my workplace drug test today. I stayed up all night studying all the street drugs. Ask me anything! I know all about meth, marijuana, special k... I even did some coke just to try it out and help me stay awake.
+3yo: I'm thirsty Husband: I'll get you water 3yo: no. I want her to get it for me *points to me* Me, asleep:
+Coworker: Can you believe it's the end of November already? Me, unsurprised by the passage of time: Yes
+If alcohol influences short-term memory, what does alcohol do?
+What's a blind mans worst fear ? A prius
+I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
+What did the momma hawk say to her chicks? Quit falcon around or get the flock outta here!
+[family watching as the paramedics work on me] why aren't you getting him back? *me dunking on 8 foot rims in heaven*
+hey, brands. you don't need to do a 9/11 post. it’s ok. take the day off. we will pick back up with the pillsbury doughboy tomorrow. whether chester cheeto is for or against terrorism is not in question.
+It's so hard to dress my 3yo that I've given up. She can wear pajamas all day. She can dress herself if she wants, and wear underwear on her head with pants as a shirt. I really don't care anymore. You do you girl.
+In light of all the recent blond jokes... Why are blond jokes so short? So men can remember them.
+What do they call Peter Pan in China? Peter Wok
+if you love something, let it go. if it comes back, it might be a boomerang. bro..? are you in love with a boomerang
+Mia: Remember when I went thru that dumb phase? Me: No. When was that? Mia: The other day. It was like 2 whole minutes! She Keeps Me Young 😂
+yeah, I believe in PREMARITAL SEX P - parentheses R E - exponents M - multiplication A R I D - division A - addition L S - subtraction E X
+I realized wrestling was fake when the undertaker who's known as 'the dead man' had to wear a knee brace
+Scientists say dolphins may even be smarter than human beings, but that's funny because I don't remember ever getting my head caught in the plastic rings a six pack comes in.
+Imagine putting all this work and effort into your kids to make sure they become decent people, and they grow up to not be funny.
+My Muslim girlfriend wants to blow me Should I be excited or call the cops?
+It's called the 'guest bedroom', but a more appropriate name would be 'the room I sleep in when my wife is sick of my snoring'
+What do you call three cars overtaking you in Mexico? Tres-passers.
+Homeschooling is going great I only cried in the bathroom twice today.
+I just found out my father's sister doesn't like Jewish people. Its hard to believe I have a relative who is auntie semitic.
+My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
+The craziest thing you can do as an adult is fall asleep on the couch. You know you're gonna wake up at 3am with an aching back AND you still gotta shamefully walk to your bed.
+What do you call a gay dentist? The Tooth Fairy
+Normally when I take my kids to the playground I'm the alpha male there, but today there were a few nine year olds who were pretty intimidating.
+What does a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common? In the end, someone is going to lose a trailer.
+3yo's are like unfiltered drunk people that love gummy fruit snacks.
+me: there were two controllers firefighter holding my xbox: im not going back in
+Two dyslexics walk into a bra
+A blind man walks into a fish store ... and says: "Whats up girls".
+What do black people with Down's Syndrome call their friends? Their Chromies
+Thomas Dolby: She blinded me with science. Neil deGrasse Tyson: That's technically true. But if we're being specific, it was pepper spray.
+Solitary confinement is supposed to be the worst psychological punishment for prison inmates, but I can confirm being locked up with small kids is worse.
+me: i want this thing brain: it's expensive and you will just get bored of it in two weeks me: but it will make me happy now brain: yes but don't you want to be happy in the long term and not just for a few days me: i already bought it brain: son of a -
+The awkward moment you're watching porn and your girlfriend walks in. I wish she'd told me she worked in the industry.
+parents: we just want you to be yourself me: *gets a tattoo* parents: you have disgraced the family
+A Jewish girl.. ..asks her father, "Dad? Can I have 50 dollars?" he says, "40 dollars? What do you need 30 dollars for?"
+The nice thing about aging is that when you're over 40, you don't need to impress everyone anymore, and for the most part you don't.
+this ass don’t quit, but the rest of me has given up almost immediately
+Someone asked me what my most attractive quality is and I just said lasagna
+Give a man a jacket He'll be warm for the winter. Teach a man to jacket he won't leave the house.
+playing the drums on the steering wheel but slowing down because you know a tricky part is coming up
+Did you hear about the basketball tournament in Mexico? Its Juan vs. Juan
+Comedians and politicians are basically the same They both lie to please an audience haha
+What did the hillbilly say to his sister after she asked him to have sex with her? If you incest.
+If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I'll do is run through those paper walls pretending I'm the Kool-Aid man.
+waitress: are you sure you want an ambulance to come? me: there's no way these are mild
+A reminder to start looking for that post-it with the WiFi password before family comes over for Thanksgiving next week
+With the way I see Asian people driving, it got me thinking...Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.
+[writing my own obituary after taking out a full page ad] ...and that concludes grade 6. Now here are the people I didn't like from grade 7
+imagine your card gets declined at red lobster and all the lobsters in the tank up front start laughing at you
+*follows dreams *dreams get creeped out and call the police
+*declares himself safe after 'telling wife to calm down' incident earlier this evening
+I'm hiding from my kids in the closet so I can peacefully eat some cookies. I can hear them all walking around like a bunch of DEA agents. I'm trying my best to destroy all the evidence before they bust me.
+lol these ppl "don't see race" right up until you start making beloved fictional characters black, then they're 18th century anthropologists
+A good relationship is worth the wait. On that note: Good morning.
+Any Latin teachers out there? I'm trying to get a close translation approximation to "We are all insignificant". Is "Omnes Nos Humilem" close? It was my high school language but that was in the 1900s.
+In China the labels read, "Made by someone you know."
+The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
+straight men will make fun of other guys for getting pedicures and literally have hobbit feet. like go back to the shire, oakley
+85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the "she" in her story is.
+there should be a court but for things that aren't illegal. like if your roommate ate all the ripple out the butterscotch ripple
+When your kid says mom in that tone that kinda makes you want to scream WHAT, but somehow you keep your composure and use your nice mom voice instead.
+In order to strengthen our relationship, my wife and I have decided we're only going to say positive things to each other. For example, today she told me I was 'really good at leaving the dishwasher full of dishes'.
+People who go to the gym for exercise, but complain about having to park one block away and walk: explain.
+Did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her.
+Some people have trouble sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed. haha
+They shouldn't give participation ribbons to kids, they should give them to adults because when you're over 30 years old, getting up the motivation to go out and do stuff is a big deal.
+What belongs to me but is used the most by others? My ex-wife
+we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
+Gassy Joke What makes a Mexican gassy? Taco night. What makes a white person gassy? Chipotle. What makes a Jew gassy? Auschwitz
+me rolling down window of time machine: McDonald's hot dog? guy in 2027: not yet bud
+I'm shaking what my momma gave me. It's the most darling snowglobe I've ever seen. LOOK AT IT.
+Being a fat guy at McDonald's is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
+Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.
+It's pretty racist that Denzel Washington keeps getting typecasted as black men.
+gender is a social construct. u do not have to be a guy fieri, u can be any type of fieri u want.
+This morning I went to the bathroom without having a phone to entertain me, just like our ancestors used to
+The difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman? You can unscrew a lightbulb.
+Me: Search this area for coffee shops Google Maps: Ok I searched the entire eastern seaboard that’s what you wanted right? Me: No just this area Google Maps: Huh? Me: Just search for coffee shops in this area Google Maps: Here’s your house did you want to see your house?
+3yo: I want a banana Me: *gives her banana* 3yo: no! Me: soooo no banana? 3yo: banana! Me: you want this banana? 3yo: NO Me: well, what do you want!? 3yo, crying: I DON'T KNOW well, we're making progress
+I was brushing my teeth when my fingers cramped up throwing the middle finger. I was looking in the mirror as I gave myself the finger, and I couldn't stop it. 2020 vibes.
+Things are going great in life right now' Life (interrupts): Actually...
+Superman should have to wear a medic alert bracelet that says kryptonite on it.
+I don't get why people make such a big deal about revealing the gender of their kid. It's no surprise, we all know you're having a baby. You can burn the world down to reveal that you're giving birth to a unicorn. Cuz that shit is crazy. We haven't seen a unicorn.
+Me-Where was Connor today? Mia-Another school Me-Aw, he's so cute Mia-Mom! He's just another normal, disgusting middle school boy. 7 th Grade
+What did the fat guy give to the fat girl? Just the tip...
+My wife and I do it doggy-style... ...she plays dead and I beg. 
+The first thing I do when I get to a restaurant is pull out a pen and paper so I can write down all the questions I have about the menu.
+me on august 31st: omg it's so hot me on september 1st: *wearing my heaviest sweater and drenched in sweat* don't you just love the smell of autumn in the air!
+Me: come pick up your toys 3yo, walking around with a plastic phone: I'm in a meeting call Times have changed
+Tiny penis jokes tend to come a little short
+[to my wife from my deathbed] grab my phone. open up the group text HamChat II and tell the boys I love em
+Bald people struggle with improv, They can't seem to come up with anything off the top of their head.
+My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can't be good.......
+If USB ports could talk, they'd only ask one question. Is it in yet?
+If Eminem converted to Islam.. ..he'd be MuSlim Shady.
+Arguing over which politician is less corrupt is like arguing over which pile of dog poop smells less disgusting.
+If I got $1 every time a woman said I was't her type, I'd be her type.
+Breaking News: Uncovered Nazi documents reveal a cure for cancer was found... An oven.. rofl
+Wanna hear a joke? Women's rights.
+That chick really knocked my socks off. And I had just finished folding and stacking them, too.
+The easiest thing to do when the free antivirus software on your new computer expires is to buy another new computer with more free antivirus software.
+What do you call a prositute on her period? Unemployed.
+Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book on how to use the internet, while a young boy googles "how to read a book".
+What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick? The man. ROFL
+I gave my girlfriend a teeth whitening today. Too bad most landed on her chin
+the groom should have a song to walk down the aisle to as well. most likely the chicago bulls intro
+Social media is great for those times when you don't want to go to somewhere overcrowded like costco or the mall but still feel like being annoyed by a lot of people.
+Did you hear about the fat guy who spent his free time in a British casino? He heard it was a fast way to lose pounds.
+I heard Steven Spielberg is directing a film about a fat alien... It's called "Eat-T, The Extra Cholesterol".
+What's black and white and loves kids? Michael Jackson
+my kid's soccer coach: the game is cancelled me: did it have racist tweets the other parents who aren't on twitter: from the rain I think
+I asked my boyfriend "How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?"
+[trying to start a conversation after being married for ten years] if I had a nascar I could get to work in six minutes
+Hey girlfriends... May you go from overlooked to overbooked. your girlfriend next door
+The government is like that friend that says they want to help you, but then all they do is mooch off of you and make your life harder.
+I bought my wife 2 different mouth guards for her snoring and they work great! Before we go to bed, if I shove each one in my ears I can barely hear her.
+sure space exploration is important but we have discovered zero waterparks up there meanwhile here on earth we have dozens of waterparks
+I stand right next to the "God Hates Fags" guy with a sign that says "Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend"
+If you send me to get burgers and fries I will eat your fries in the car. I'm not gonna drive alone in a car with some fires and not eat them.
+Operator: For quality assurance, this call is being recorded. Me: Okay, cool. Could I get a copy? Operator: ...
+at some point as a kid you play your last game of tag and some kids end their tag career being it. that's how we get goths
+straight guy: please don't hit on me bro i'm not into that gay stuff me: don't worry you're not even my type straight guy: me: straight guy: but like what is your type bro
+I asked my 5yo what's her favorite thing we do together, and it wasn't the painting, or the slime making. She said, watching movies. I think I'm putting way too much effort into this parenting thing.
+9: I really like giving massages. I think when I grow up I’ll be a misogynist.
+How many homophobes does it take to change a light bulb? They can't because they are too afraid to change
+In spite of being a psychotic murderer, you can tell Freddie Kruger wants us to know he's a playful, fun loving guy because he goes by Freddie instead of Fred or Frederick.
+How did the blonde die raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
+Wow. Don't search 'Jews' on Twitter. I ended up reporting 30 accounts without breaking a sweat.
+I don't "fuck" my wife. I "make fuck" to her.
+team rocket CEO: what should we put in our motto? agent 1: protect the world from devastation? CEO: noble, love it agent 2: unite all people within our nation? CEO: beautiful agent 3: to denounce the evils of truth and love! CEO: jeremy.. how’s it going with the divorce pal
+Why don't you see any slow black people? They're all in jail.
+Homeless people wouldn't be half as poor if they didn't waste all of their money on sharpies and cardboard.
+Have fun with your fantasy football league but me and the fellas each bought a different brand cinnamon broom and are going to rotate them to see who has the best one.
+What did the man in the wheelchair say when he returned the hat he borrowed? Thanks for the handy cap.
+Dear Idiot: It's HOMEOpath, not HOMOpath. Homopath is like a crazy gay dude.
+*breathes in a bunch of helium balloons *steps on scale *cries in high pitched munchkin voice
+I made up a game with my kids called, if you take a nap you get ice cream after dinner. Guess who's the only one eating ice cream? Me.
+Gay pride parade? Why isn't there a straight pride parade? They tried that but people kept on thinking it was the checkout line at Home Depot.
+"open up, this is the police!" "well, I've felt alone since my girlfriend left me, I'm sad all the time-" "no the door open up the door"
+pizza place guy: *flips and spins it in the air* girl im on date with: that's kinda cool me: it's probably trick dough
+CEO of milk: we need a new slogan me: got that delicious white juice that everyone loves, the beverage they call milk? CEO of milk: maybe something shorter me: milk CEO of milk: probably a little longer than that me: miiilck
+I noticed a tiny part of the wrapper stuck to my granola bar and just ate it anyway. like a goblin.
+you can run but you cant hide' - coach telling me why I didn't make the hide and seek team
+imagine your card gets declined at chuck e. cheese and they feed you to the robot band
+They should do a punch card reward system at the liquor store. After your 9th case of beer, you get a free intervention.
+my mom when i came out gay: this is an affront to god my mom 16 years later: can you teach me about anal to spice up my sex life
+My 3yo wrote a song called, My Mommy Is So High. It's my favorite song because it's about me being taller than her.
+Me (high as a kite): Why is this slurpee so thick? 711 Employee: That's not slurpee, you're filling your cup full of pump cheese.
+[cop sniffing me] you're all over the road get out of the vehicle [me after putting on too much hand cream] I'll try
+Why do black people eat fried chicken? Because it tastes good.
+Why did the black man buy 4 boxes of condoms? Because he practices safe sex and they were on sale.
+Fajitas are just tacos for people who crave attention
+Canada: *pokes hung over America with a stick* Wake up buddy, I made pancakes with maple syrup. You can do this!
+Sorry I smashed your window, but you left a chocolate bar in a hot car and I had to rescue it.
+jesus, take the wheel. mohammed, you strip the hubcaps, while buddha searches the glove compartment for valuables.
+God loves everyone You know, it's in that book you hold up when you're yelling at gay people.
+Splash a bunch of water on the crotch area of your pants and shirt so the people at work will know you washed your hands.
+There's only one group of people dumb enough to believe in astrology... Scorpios ROFL
+Two reasons i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone 1)I don't have an iPhone 2)I don't have a girlfriend.
+Seeing my neighbours trash or recycling bins on the curb for pickup is now how I keep track of what day of the week it is.
+What do you call a black man who flies a plane? [2 part] A pilot, you racist. What do you call a Japanese man who flies a plane? A pirate.
+I don't like the song Stairway To Heaven because it implies that heaven is not wheelchair accessible.
+My 3yo asked me to wrap her up like a burrito and to feed her grapes while I hold her so she can watch cartoons. She's living my dream.
+If I was a vampire hunter, I'd kill the vampires by inviting them over to my house and serving garlic bread. No one can resist that stuff.
+Remember in the early days of the internet, when you'd go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It's amazing how much has changed since then.
+wife: where did you even get cotton candy? me w/ blue stained mouth: just drop it wedding photographer: we doin this or wha
+Chicks with big tits always seem to say the right things.
+Stop describing the situation with words and send me a gif like a normal person.
+My wife's favorite position was cat style. She'd sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn't come near me
+Wife: Do you want a beer? Me: ...sure! Awfully generous of you. Wife: well, I just don't want to drink alone.
+In my youth, there was no "snapschapts". If you liked a young lady, you'd draw a proper picture of your genitals and send it to her parents.
+What do you call a group of Mexicans smoking weed? Baked beans
+Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn't look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
+Children with gay fathers as parents, I seriously sympathize you all It's not easy growing up with twice the dad jokes.
+I Know I completely trust my husband because he cleaned the kitchen, and I didn't clean anything after.
+What advantage do gay black guys have over gay white guys? They only have to come out to their mother.
+Super disappointing finding out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not an awesome career option.
+The bad news is, it's the longest day of the year. The good news, it's Friday. Summer Solstice
+A Muslim, a black guy, a horse, a pirate, a gay, a chicken and a rabbi all walk into a bar... The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
+Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends? Because he's married. didn t see that coming
+My 3yo gave me her baby this morning and I've been walking around with it around my hip for like 30 min. I don't know why.
+No matter how bad things get around the world, it can never ruin the enjoyment I get from putting my cold hands on my wife's back.
+2020 is pretty cool because every once in a while you get to experience every emotion at once. And it's just like ahhh omg please stop hahah
+And then there's my dad...🙄
+every time i go to the aquarium, the employees make up sea life facts in an attempt to catch me off guard and make me look foolish. well it won’t work. “dolphins breathe air” grow up. “octopuses have beaks” fuck off liar
+The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I'm a little mad because she didn't even give him a discount.
+trying to come up with ideas for tshirts for cool 20 something year olds to wear and all I got so far is one that says 'Eat The Peel'
+There's three things you should know about me, I'm Canadian, I watch Hockey, and... I'm sorry.
+In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
+My 3yo doesn't understand why I can't make lunch right now, it's 10pm. Why is she still awake? 😭
+As my 3yo threw grapes on the floor she said, "for the vacuum to eat." Now I know why the vacuum is always so full... because someone has been over feeding it!
+How are wearing Crocs like having butt sex with a guy? It feels really good until you look down and realize you're gay.
+son: why can't we just get a gun for protection me looking for our jar of bees: check your room again
+Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? She didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.
+The reason womansplaining isn't a thing is because it's men's responsibility to figure out what women mean when they roll their eyes, sigh, or say nothing to us.
+me: I have to let the chicken rest before cutting it or the juices will go everywhere trick or treaters: we'll come back
+3yo: *throwing grapes on the floor* Me: what are you doing? 3yo: for the vacuum Me: I told you to stop feeling the vacuum 9yo, walks in: *starts eating the grapes off the floor* 3yo: see that's the vacuum Me:
+So we have a blow up globe to go with one of Asher's curricula. We blew it up today for the first time. Noa grabs it and Asher goes "holding it by the poles, Noa?' This kid...
+Having kids can really strengthen a marriage. My wife and I never had a common enemy before.
+My 3yo asked me if I wanted to lay down on the couch and take a nap while we watch movies. I'm really scared. Is this a dream? Are my kids burning the house down while I sleep?
+Don't like getting forced by your wife to go to children's birthday parties? Easy solution - bring beer. Then offer it to all the kids, report them to the police for underage drinking, and get the party shut down.
+Our daycare provider (who cares for 10 kids): "I love these kids! Being around them keeps me young." Me (with 2 kids knowing I've aged at least 10-15 years since we started having children 3 years ago): "Yeah.... same."
+What do you call a woman who misses her period? Fucked
+Why is the pussy slit verticaly and not horizontaly? So it doesn't clap when running.
+My 3yo just broke our pinky promise, so yeah 3yo's can't be trusted.
+Some people call me delusional, but I don't let it bother me because I have my high IQ, millions of dollars, and god like physique to make me feel better.
+Don't forget: Before we picked cotton, we picked tobacco. It's time to make smoking history in Black History Month
+*Jesus multiplies loaves and fishes to feed 5000 people [5 mins later] Disciples: Hey Jesus, the people are complaining that the fish sandwiches are too dry. Can you whip something up to put on them? Jesus: Say no more -How miracle whip was invented
+What's black and white and red all over... An interracial couple getting what they deserved.
+priest: how ya doin? demon: oh yanno priest: wanna get started? demon: sure priest: will you leave brent's body? demon: nope
+Why can't black people get PhD's? Because they can't get past their Masters.
+Girls are like restaurants... Just because you can't order doesn't mean you can't look at the menu.
+When a women dates a younger man she's called a cougar, when a man dates a younger woman he is called Defendant.
+An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama's a Muslim
+The teacher asked the class if everyone got the syllabus. Jimmy raised his hand and said, "No, I took the boring short bus to school."
+Serotonin is flowing in the city today. This weather is 10/10
+A man visits a prostitute The man says, "I want to have sex with you for $200, but then I also want to hit you" The prostitute asks, "For how long?" The man replies, "Until I have my money back!"
+Cow milking is an incredibly low-skilled job. Any jerk can do it.
+Not to brag, but I can get a full 8 hours of sleep and still look absolutely exhausted when I wake up in the morning
+me: of course I consider you a friend and not just the guy who carries me during karaoke guy who carries me during karaoke: ok thank you
+If only there were mosquito nets in Africa... We could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of AIDS.
+Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers? You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves baristas.
+boss: what are you thinking about me: [daydreaming about the end of capitalism] just spreadsheets and stuff
+My Asian friend came out .. My Asian friend came out to his dad today and said "Dad I'm gay" . His dad after being angry for a moment said, "why not Gay+"
+netflix: are you still watching me: yes but i can't reach the remote so i'm just going to sit here in silent contemplation
+How many men does it take to open a beer? None, the beer should be open by the time she has brought it to you. haha
+How many Jews did Hitler kill? Over nein thousand. haha
+This is why we can't have nice things' ~my wife looking at my paystub
+I was gonna get dressed up for Halloween this year, but that involves getting dressed, so no.
+Why did the blind man cross the road? Cuz he couldn't see it 
+What did the black Jew say to the non-believers? We Israel..
+Some of you aren't going to like this, but my wife and I are that couple that sit on the same side in restaurant booths. But it's not because we're weird, it's because our imaginary friends have to sit on the other side.
+the inside of a chicken is warm but as soon as the egg comes out the chicken is like 'ya gotta keep this in the fridge'
+If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it‚ He's gay, definitely gay.
+I just want a magical unicorn, and to not gain weight when I eat a lot of food. That's all.
+My boss thinks that homosexuality is a disease, so I'm calling in gay tomorrow.
+Motherhood is complicated because we'll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
+Social media is so weird. It's like here are all the cool things your friends are up to, and also all the worst things going on in the world. Enjoy trying to sort out your emotions.
+'If u insinuate that I'm fat again, I'm leaving you!' 'Don't be selfish, think about the baby.' 'What baby?' 'Oh, so you're not pregnant?'
+Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
+What do you call a fat Irish family? The o'Beses.
+My date and I went swimming in the ocean and her eyebrows washed off. She looked just as surprised as I did.
+My gambling addiction ruined my marriage, but it also saved it because we're so broke we can't afford a divorce.
+Daddy, look, a ninja! Billy, don't offend those Muslims! rofl
+i'm constantly being told that i'm a straight acting gay person. what part of sticking things up my butt is straight acting to people
+detective: he’s dead, ma’am my wife: oh my god i can’t believe he drank all the windshield fluid detective: *narrowing eyes* i never said he was poisoned my wife: no that was literally just an educated guess
+Me: Direct me home Google Maps: There’s a different route available Me: Oh cool is it shorter? Google Maps: No it’s 47 minutes longer Me: Oh Google Maps: I found one with no tolls! Me: Cool but is it- Google Maps: Clear your schedule motherfucker it’s 2 hours longer
+My 3yo told me to chill out. Is she too young for me to kick her out of my house? No
+If history is written by the victors... ...then who writes French history textbooks?
+[taking out foot massage coupon from marriage coupon book] I wanna redeem this one [ex wife here to pick up our son] where is he brent
+I still have nightmares about the time I gave my Eskimo friend a house warming gift...
+All Snapchat has to do to attract an older audience is offer a face filter that takes away the bags from under your eyes.
+I've been hearing a lot about mass murderers lately.... It must be a scary time to be catholic.
+Why do cannibals prefer to eat blind people? Because with one sense gone they taste really good. Sorry, that was wrong... they taste really well.
+teen working at subway: you're gonna get me in trouble with my manager me trying to pass him a baggie of duck meat: I'll distract richard
+I like my men like I like my coffee... Nowhere near my vagina. A little lesbian humor....I'm not gay I just couldn't resist....too good :)
+a haiku about 2020: fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
+You can't eat in the shower - me lying to my kid
+What do you call 40 mexicans standing in your yard holding hands? Spicket fence.
+Having a 3yo is like having your personal narrator that sometimes makes you cry because they won't stop narrating.
+Stop buying new parents junk gifts they're not going to use. Buy them bag reducing eye cream.
+My Facebook timeline says I joined in 2007, a couple decades before that I was born, and there are no accomplishments in between. How did they know?
+I love when my mom works the rapture into casual conversation. We were talking about work and she casually goes "if I ever disappear it's because I've been raptured. You will need to immediately come to my house and read my bible to be saved" and I'm like "ok love you too bye"
+I've been feeling a bit down lately. My husband finally came clean tonight... He's been contacting my friends to call me, get me out of the house, etc. I have the best husband...and my friends are good liars.
+Italians and Spaniards are so used to Catholic child abuse... ... That they call the Pope daddy
+Whats the difference between Jelly and Jam? I can't jelly my dick into your girls ass.
+People who post tweets with spelling mistakes in them are total loosers
+You can consider yourself lucky in life, if the cognac you drink is older than the woman that you're sleeping with.
+me: can I get lettuce instead of the bun? guy working at subway: why you doin this man?
+The used car salesmen always get so weirded out when we go for a test drive and I put on a ski mask and make a quick stop at the bank.
+What do you call a hypocritical member of the church of Latter Day Saints? an oxy-mormon. or, all of them.
+"School was good" is teenager for "I only fell asleep during one Zoom class today."
+If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I'd have $ 6.30 now
+billionaire who invited me to his island: *loading rifle* i have a passion for.. the most dangerous game me: *nodding* Gun Monopoly billionaire: what? no i’m hunting you. me: oh ok billionaire: you should probably go me: not without my $200
+Me blacking out when I'm drunk is God's way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
+An app like tinder, but instead of for dating, it matches you up with strangers in your area to have arguments with.
+The Winter Olympics should have an event where they time athletes to see how long it takes them to get into their spandex suits
+Maybe if I tilt my head to the side, I can understand english --Dogs
+*cat pushes glass off of a table* Internet: cats are jerks *dog destroys an entire living room* Internet: I'm willing to overlook this
+gf: its over I can't be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it's side against the wall*
+A lot of women would rather have beauty over brains, because a lot of men can see better than he can think.
+It's cute how we call the things we wrap our babies in swaddles. They are literally straight jackets because babies are crazy.
+SMS codes for seniors: BTW - Bring the Wheelchair FWIW - Forgot Where I Was LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again
+[me and another dad pretending to switch insurance info and laughing] bumper car operator: back in the cars
+How do you know you are at a picnic with gay men? All the hot dogs taste like shit
+Why do North Koreans lack emotions? They are missing a Seoul.
+me: my cat's possessed date: haha aren't they all me: by something british date: what? my cat: ello my luv
+It's embarrassing when you accidentally call your teacher 'mommy', especially when you're in an adult learning class.
+My main job as a husband is to taste things that my wife thinks taste like they've gone bad and tell her if they taste bad.
+me: i need directions please stranger: you need to go north and - me: left or right stranger: it's a little more complex than that me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
+A Muslim, a Christian and a Jew walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.
+corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here me: *flicking lighter* stand back, i’m popping my way out
+Saying "whoa girl" like you're talking to a horse, is not a good way to calm your wife down when you're arguing.
+Belgium is a leading producer of beer, chocolate, and weapons. I picture a country full of very well-armed fat people. Another one, I mean.
+My 3yo asked, "are your boobs gone because I drank them all when I was a baby?" And I said yes.
+McDonald's CEO: Self serve checkouts? Hmmm. But how will we trick people into doing the work of a cashier for free? Marketing Exec: Make the checkouts look like giant phones. The morons won't be able to resist it. *CEO and Marketing Exec both erupt into evil laughter*
+i want my mysterious death solved on a podcast or not at all
+Recently, a Catholic hair stylist made news traveling around slandering the pope and Catholicism, angering many members of the faith. The pope denounced him... calling him a "hair-a-tick"
+I just got fired for putting my penis in the pickle slicer at the restaurant where I work She only got docked a week's pay
+Halloween costume idea: “soccer mummy”. You’re welcome.
+I don't know who needs to hear this but stop trying to take a picture of the moon. It always sucks
+I saw my husband mopping the floor and it turned me on so hard.
+I accidentally ate some cat food today. The bad news is it tasted terrible. The good news is my coat of body hair has never been healthier or shinier.
+Why did the chick disappoint his mother? Because he wasn't all he was *cracked up* to be.
+My wife and mother-in-law just both yelled at me because I was being a 'martyr' for eating the kids' low quality waffles when they were making them from scratch for the adults.
+Tip sounds like a professor of African American studies. Rhythm And Flow
+My dad told me he was gay, i didnt believe him until my other dad comfirmed it
+What do you call a sometimes homosexual arctic bear with heavy mood swings? A Bi bipolar polar bear!
+the worst part of a haircut is when they take the cape off and you have to stop giving them the finger
+wife: when I said get a hobby I meant like golf or whatever me making another batch of prison wine: I like this
+a jew, a christian, and a muslim walk into a bar in the holyland hey it could happen, just not on a friday, saturday or sunday
+The progression of love is so weird. First you fall in love, then you get married, then a couple years later you jointly decide to ruin everything by becoming caretakers for tiny people for at least 18 years.
+How can you tell that God is a man, and not a woman? If God were a woman, she would have made semen taste like chocolate!
+In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees. I know, because I kept a log.
+got fired from antifa today because i showed up late with an iced coffee when i was supposed to help shred documents and hide evidence from the fbi
+Husbands make the best meteorologists because they're used to being wrong all the time
+My anniversary is coming up Friday is my anniversary, I'll have been married for 35 years. Really it only 5 years, but I count in dog years because my wife is such a bitch.
+To convert Celsius to Fahrenheit to double Celsius and add thirty. To convert someone to Mormonism you double the wives and add 17 kids.
+There was once a viking who believed in reincarnation. He was hoping that after dying he'd be Bjorn again.
+me: why do you charge so little? lawyer with eyebrow ring: you know why
+Why did Hitler kill himself? He saw the gas bill.
+My kids eat so many gummy fruit snacks that I'm passing them out like a drug dealer. Give me 5 minutes of silence, and shhh don't tell your dad.
+I've never gotten runner's high. Not once have I gotten high from running. I think these runners are just trying to get the rest of us to run. If I'm gonna get high I'm gonna do it with ice cream and weed on my couch like a decent person.
+there's songs I hate to this day only because they gave me a hard time in guitar hero
+Everything has to be related in a woman: if the mouth shuts, the legs open.
+My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday. How is she now ? She's fine. But the dog died.
+I just found a bunch of fruit snack wrappers under my 3yo's bed, and idk if I should be worried.
+I'm in a palindrome kind of mood today for some reason...71717
+I was hanging out with my kids having a good time while Alexa played some music when all of a sudden WAP comes on. I yelled at Alexa to stop. Alexa didn't stop. My 3yo and 5yo learned a lot of new words today.
+Me, steps on a wet spot: who spilled- 3yo: It's not pee water Me: pee water? 3yo: yeah maybe I didn't pee Me: maybe? 3yo: yeah, maybe
+So I was feeling really depressed due to the attack in Paris... I phoned the Islamic Samaritans. When I said I was feeling suicidal they got all excited and asked if I knew how to fly a plane.
+Kids are so exhausting in the morning with all that energy and good vibes.
+I'm pretty sure the chick at this drive thru had me repeat, 'I'll take a number two', multiple times so she could laugh at me.
+I read the box of chocolates legend more closely than my mortgage
+me: *biting lip* oh doctor i am so sick, can you take care of me doctor: *checking chart* looks like you've got an chronic case of sex- oh wait a minute me: what's wrong? *seductive wink* doctor: you do not have insurance get the fuck out of my office
+The worst thing about going to your office Christmas party is having to go look for a new job the next day.
+Married Tip: When you take your wife out for Valentine's Day, don't forget to use a coupon, cause saving money is sexy.
+Me: I've enjoyed spending so much time w/you these past few weeks. Mia: Me too, Mom. And I bet you thought you'd get on my nerves. Brave Mia
+Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day Husband: Well next time take the car then silly
+You teach without teaching every time you accept the unacceptable. your girlfriend next door
+Why did the grain call his sister "momma"? Because he was in bread!
+Apparently the man bun was invented by French Canadians, which means it's acceptable to call it a garçon brioche.
+If my kid doesn't figure out how to manage his emotions I'm going to lose it
+Some may say I have a resting bitch face, but I think it's more of a not resting face because I have lots of kids and I'm always tired.
+Dating vs Marriage Dating: You keep candles around the bedroom to create romance Marriage: You keep candles around the bedroom to get rid of the fart smell
+What do you call a hot chick in Boston? A tourist
+me: so it's like a snorkel? surgeon explaining my breathing tube: yes. sure
+Guys, I think I found the Cure to Aids! It requires having a Magic Johnson.
+Husband: *starts laughing* Me: what? Husband, still laughing: it's 1:30 Me: what's so funny? Husband: it's only 1:30 and I already want to put the kids to bed
+Scientist say today is the longest day of the year, but they're actually wrong. The longest day of the year is every Monday.
+If by "good in bed" you mean sleeping, the answer is still no. I have insomnia and will wake you up to tell you what I'm worrying about.
+Even if you don't like cats, you have to admire them. They all hate each other, but you don't see them online arguing with each other.
+Doctor: Any new medical history in your family? Diabetes? Cancer? Blood disorder? Mia: Yes, brain disorder. Me: Who? Mia: Uncle Si! Love Her
+I really identify with the trans movement... For the first 9 months of my life, I was a man trapped in a woman's body!
+[coworker on my first day back from vacation] how was italy? [thinking about how the dogs barked normal] fine
+My husband walked in holding lysol disinfecting wipes and that was the sexiest thing I've ever seen. I know what I'm gonna be doing on my knees, cleaning toilets.
+I don't know what's wrong with my goldfish... ...it was fine when I put it in its cage last night
+A white man, an arab and an asian walk naked into a bar... ...the bartender yells "Is this some kind of a joke?"
+What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? ..........Nothing you've already told her twice!
+What do you get when you cross an atheist and a christian? An argument
+That’s weird. My husband used the safe word when I was telling him about everything I bought at Target.
+Him: *doing dishes* Me: Is this porn? I think this is porn.
+If you want your kids to leave you alone for like 5 min just fart. 60% of the time, it works every time.
+My 4yo yelled, "it's still alive!" When she got her tablet thinking it was dead, and I'm pretty sure that's what my body says when I open my eyes every morning.
+6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow. Me: What do you have to spell? 6: Words, probably.
+How much should I rest between sets at the gym? I've been doing anywhere between 60 to 90 days to give my muscles a good chance to recover.
+Me: *offers some of the food I made to my 4yo* 4yo: no thank you I like things with flavor Me, almost choking: excuse me
+The world would be a better place if we were all passivists. Fight me.
+What's black brown and white black brown and white brown and white etc.? A Gorilla riding down a snowbank!
+Q. What does a woman's asshole do when she is having an orgasm? A. He is usually home with the kids!
+Remember back in the good old days, when Generation X was known for being cool and rebellious? Now we're known mostly for being cranky and complaining about millennials. Good times.
+Wife: Our son called me a bitch today Husband: What! That little son of a bitch
+I was sitting on the train this morning, and I saw a really sexy Thai girl I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection", but she did.
+What do you call it when two female spies fall in love? Lesbianage
+Sure, millennials are a soft generation... and not to outdo you guys or anything, but it was my generation, Gen X, who invented getting killed from eating peanuts. That's a tough one to top.
+Them: Just be yourself Me: I don't even know who I am
+3yo: you know what you do when you got an itch on your butt? Me: what? 3yo: you scratch it Genius
+Anxiety: This airplane might crash and then you'll die! Me: Oh no! Depression: I'm okay with that. Anxiety: ...but then again, you could survive, end up paralyzed, and life would be even harder than it already is! Me and depression (now holding each other): On no!
+Eyes blinking in the dark. Wide awake. Asking self, was there coffee in that coffee ice cream?? 👀
+[remembering women like mysterious men] *texts my hairdresser the squid emoji*
+nothing like waking up at 3am to discover you're a mutant with lava in your throat, professor x will be so prou..what's that now...i'm being told from multiple sources it's just heartburn
+Why did the computer crash? Because it had a bad driver! corny
+The easiest way to bridge a language barrier is by yelling at the other person. People find it easier to understand a foreign language when it is louder.
+I still think of that time when my 9yo was 5 and yelled really loud, "it looks like that elephant has a big penis on his face!" at the zoo.
+I shared my whole body with my 3yo and she won't share her fruit snack with me. Can you believe that?
+It's always nice to win an arm wrestle against guys who are younger than you. Today it was a 3 year old.
+Why doesn't democracy work in china? Because no one wants to hold an erection.
+watching a nature documentary with the family and loudly saying 'that's how your mother and I met' every 5 minutes
+The perfect cure for loneliness at home is Twitter. All it takes is 5 mins of seeing everyone arguing to pretty much remedy any desire to be around people.
+If a man talks dirty to a woman, that's sexual harassment. If a woman talks dirty to a man, that'll be $6.50 a minute.
+[the streetlights burst. the stars blink out. hooded figures surround us] me: *to wife* omg is this a gender reveal? cultist: hail satan. the union of these mortals shall bare his child, The Antichrist me: will it be a boy or a girl? cultist: why are you so fixated on this
+Therapist: And what do we do when we feel upset or angry? Me: We eat snickers bars until we feel better? Therapist: No. Me: (already shoving a snickers bar in my mouth) I'm going to need a minute to calm down
+trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here? me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
+Don't compare yourself to other people, compare yourself to pigeons... they're idiots and it'll make you feel better.
+If I won the lottery, I'd buy the suits from the movies Batman, Ironman, Superman, etc and it's all I'd wear. No more regular clothes.
+I work in a popular hotel... I see people come in to stay from all over the world, yet for some reason I've never seen a Native American here. I guess they just don't like to make reservations.
+I was in the bathroom and I texted my husband to bring me toilet paper and he responded with send nudes. The audacity, this marriage isn't an onlyfans account.
+What do you call a homosexual Hispanic peeping tom? Peeko-da-guyo.
+Interviewer: "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" Me: "I'd say my biggest weakness is listening"
+ten minutes into the our planet documentary on netflix and I don't know if im going for the birds, the fish or the dolphins
+If you eat a cookie and you don't finish your milk you need to get another cookie. If you don't have enough milk for the second cookie you get more milk. If you don't finish the milk you get another cookie... that's the cookie cycle.
+Help! Can anyone tell me where I can watch the Women’s World Cup??? I can only find 18 channels of golf...
+It's a bit hypocritical that there's no way to shorten the word abbreviation
+I said hello to a feminist My court date starts tomorrow.
+Damn girl are you a smoke detector? Because you're super annoying and won't shut up
+Today in art class my 5yo recreated the poop emoji with play-doh and my 3yo made a cut out of her butt. I would say homeschooling is going great.
+So a priest, a pedophile and rapist walk into a bar ...he orders a drink
+What does a homeless man gets for Christmas? A cold.
+Why are a German vegetarians pessimists? Because they always fear the wurst.
+Will you date me? breathe if yes, swim across the atlantic ocean while reciting the bible in japanese if no
+The vape pen maybe mightier than the vape sword, but neither of them will get you a girlfriend.
+We celebrate our independence, I say triumphantly as I ask my wife's permission to have a beer with lunch.
+What do you call a geologist who can't hear? Stone deaf...
+*Goes on internet. People arguing, everything sucks, we're all doomed *Goes outside. Birds are chirping, sky is blue, sun is shining. 'Meh' *Goes back inside, logs onto internet.
+Maybe your cat wouldn't push stuff off your shelf and countertop if your interior decorating wasn't so dreadful
+*My 2 year old hurts himself and comes to me crying *I pick him up and hug him Me: I know it hurts.. don't worry, it will go away. Physical pain always goes away. Emotional pain on the other hand will scar you for life and haunt you well into adulthood. Now go play and have fun
+India is a very peaceful country because nobody has any beef over there.
+they put you to sleep right away in the operating room so they can take off their masks and start eating sunflower seeds
+me: it's a service dog teenager working the waterslide: still has to wait up here
+Why is my Chinese girlfriend so bitchy? Well it's true, you are what you eat.
+What do you call a Mexican baptism? A bean dip.
+Yesterday I farted in a Apple Store and everyone got mad at me. It's not my fault they don't have Windows
+Why did the alcoholic comedian quit performing? He couldn't handle the boos.
+Most people who say they would spend the night in a haunted mansion for a million dollars scream and run away when a moth flys towards them
+stop telling me to get a cast iron skillet. i do not have the mental or emotional capacity for this. i don’t even know how to do taxes.
+Womansplaining is when a woman explains something that is obvious, but the difference is that it's usually necessary... ie: when I can't find ketchup in the fridge and my wife womansplains how it's right in front of my face.
+me: i try to get in at least 20,000 each day her: steps? me: leagues under the sea
+What's the worse thing to do to a blind person? Leave a plunger in the toilet
+Robots will someday ruin the world? They already have. They're the reason we all have to take annoying captcha quizzes every time we want to use the internet.
+ME: let’s clean up the living room before mom gets home 4yo: but how will she know how much fun we had? ME: hmm good point!…
+Me: Look team, our productivity is way down. I’m sorry to be harsh but I cannot call what you’ve done lately “work.” That’s three silverfish I’ve seen this week. Or one silverfish three times but either way- you gotta step it up. All The Spiders In My House: 😔
+My 3yo asked if she could eat gummy bears for breakfast, I said no. Then she said, "what if I eat them like cereal with milk." I mean I knew she was smart, but this is genius. Adds milk, BAM breakfast!
+Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles? Because his wife is dead.
+Surprise everyone at work by being pleasant on a Monday. They'll be so unnerved that something is wrong, they'll leave you alone for the entire day.
+Sorry I thought we were on the kiss cam when I saw us standing in line on the security monitor at 7-11.
+No putting together toys tonight! No bikes, doll houses or electronic anything! Pros of having 19, 17 and 11 year olds! Merry Christmas To Me
+Me: *letting my kid win* My 4yo: Mommy you’re really bad at this
+I miss my dog so much since he died, I just paid a homeless guy to come over and take a shit on my kitchen floor and then eat it.
+Why Cant Girls Count To 70? .....Because 69 is a mouthful
+Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard the ref was blowing fouls
+If you're American when you go into the toilet, and Asian when you come out, what are you on the toilet? European!
+I think that bisexual girls should just call themselves more-or-lesbians.
+I love how confident my 3yo is with my love. I tell her I love her and she says, I know.
+Inappropriate headline for a Mexican murder story Another Juan Bites The Dust
+If I could go back to high school with all that I know now, people would be like "why are you here old man? Are you a teacher or something?"
+99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets. It doesn't mean we aim for the sky. It means, we don't start work unless our tail is on fire
+My 3yo is so lazy. She said she doesn't like underwear because she has to walk to the bathroom. If she wears a diaper she can pee wherever she wants. Honestly, she's selling me on the diaper thing.
+I was having sex with a female amputee in the dark I trying to figure out why my ass hurt, but she had me stumped.
+Setting an alarm on an iPhone is exciting because it feels like you're spinning the wheel on the price is right
+*has no girlfriend or kids* *gives out dating and parenting advice*
+What did the mommy broom say to the baby broom? Time to go to sweep.
+My girlfriend accused me of being a transvestite... ...So I packed her things and left.
+Putting a woman on a $10 makes sense . . . . . . no one really wants a 1 or a 5.
+Summer tip: On a hot day, beer is not a good way to hydrate... it's a great way to hydrate.
+It's 10pm and I'm still awake which is wild, so I decided to take a shot of milk and eat some peanut butter cookies cuz YOLO. God I'm getting old.
+This is the longest I've been in a drunk time
+It's called TikTok just to remind you of how you're wasting your life
+When I was a kid I couldn't wait to become an adult. Now that I'm an adult I'm just like, this really sucks.
+Recent studies show that 1 out of 3 Americans weigh as much as the other 2 put together.
+You know you have some loud kids when the default setting on your tv has subtitles.
+Why did I quit my job in Mexico? It didn't peso well.
+I don't understand why my kids are so funny. I haven't given them enough childhood trauma for them to be this funny.
+"shake what ya momma gave ya!" *starts shaking low self-esteem*
+Since we seem to be terrified of homosexuals, it would seem that the key to conquering America would be to attack us with an all-Gay army.
+If you're easily offended, the FDA just approved a new drug. Ask your doctor if Growacet is right for you. ROFL
+I always ask if they accept bitcoin whenever I buy something. I don't have any, but it makes me look cool.
+My friends and I have a secret handshake that my wife says is lame. She's just jealous of how cool we look, especially at the end when we do jazz hands.
+It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right, alcohol IS a solution.
+People remember you for what you 've done. Not what you wish you 'd done. your girlfriend next door
+Jajajajajajaja is either a Mexican laughing or a German having sex.
+This keto diet sucks. I haven't lost a single pound. Biggest waste of 5 mins ever.
+Sat in Phil's living room today while he and Si watched the news. "Spouses fight b/c of low blood sugar?! Pass out the candy!" Problem Solved
+trying to calm people down by yelling 'but that's just my opinion' after saying it doesn't matter if you peel carrots before you use them
+Cows can't walk down stairs' sounds like a lie a lazy cow made up so he could stay upstairs watching netflix in bed.
+The only difference between comedians and the rest of joke Twitter is that comedians get to see people be disappointed by their jokes in person.
+People always tell you to listen to your gut, but all mine tells me is feed me cinnamon buns
+@BurgerKing I love the way all employees working the drive thru speak English as a 14th language. I just got a frog and an avocado.
+Me: oh shit 3yo: oh shit Me: I forget kids are like sponges 3yo: like a sponge
+My friend got a tattoo of his wife's name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
+thought I looked alright today visiting my friend in the hospital but a nurse told me to go back to my room
+A friend asked me if I wanted to hold her newborn baby. I said, no thank you I'm ovulating. I know how this works, I hold it then I want one of my own. Not today little newborn baby. Not today.
+Every pillow in Whoopi Goldberg's house is called a whoopee cushion
+Men be like I’m gonna rock your world, right after I finish a few games of Madden with my boys.
+if you fold a pizza in half, it’s a quesadilla. unfold a quesadilla? you guessed it, that’s pizza. obama does not want you to know this.
+I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out. Back to having zero haters, feels good.
+The only thing hotter than the sound of me opening my Velcro wallet to pay for dinner? Hearing that exact same sound again as I take off my Velcro shoes before we do sexy time.
+* Begins writing tweet * reworks tweet several times * tries to show wife tweet, but wife she left you 7 months ago
+My girlfriend says I've got commitment issues.... Well she's not really my girlfriend, more of a wife. 
+As you get older you start to enjoy simple things like spatulas, clean sheets, and telling the happy little birds that sing early in the morning to shut up.
+*Makes typo* *Deletes tweet* *Deletes account* *Destroys computer* *Changes name* *Moves to Pakistan* *Opens a curry shop*
+As a Jew, I love bagels... They're one of the holeyest foods.
+Husbands are like egg salad sandwiches -- once you get past the fart smell, they're actually quite enjoyable
+Don't stay single and be miserable. Get married and become the reason someone else is miserable
+Me: *sees a sign for a Bar & Grill* Hm. A boring, pedestrian establishment. I’ll pass. Me: *Sees a sign for a Bar & Grille* Now this place has something special and unique.
+me to wife: I have a big heart doctor: I used the word enlarged
+My sister was in love with a Mexican guy. She wanted him to marry her but he went home to Mexico... ... I guess he's the Juan that got away.
+My wife is so moody at Christmas, I blame the festive period.
+Why couldn't the sailor play cards? Because the captain was standing on the deck
+My son said that since girls don't have a penis he thought girls just had one big butt.
+This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
+Pumpkin Patches are great places to go when you need to spend 37.00 on a pumpkin your kid will throw at their sibling…
+I didn't know too many Jewish people growing up. I realize now that where I'm from they are in the menorah-ty
+Keep the romance alive in your marriage by playing footsies with your spouse while you yell at your kids during dinner.
+Dog Lovers: Get a dog to clean up the food and crumbs on your floor for you Me: You still eventually have to clean up those crumbs, but instead as poop
+Say no to shampoo. Demand real poo!
+professor: those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it me: *lighting gender reveal explosives* i don’t think that’s true
+The definition of mixed emotions... My mother-in-law driving of a cliff in my new car
+Social anxiety is just like regular anxiety except it's more friendly and charismatic about giving you irrational fears about your life.
+The only thing that would prevent my wife from going to Pilates class would be if they invented a more expensive form of exercise.
+The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be "a Muslim extremist." That's like a student signing his report card "Timmy's Dad."
+What is the biggest plot twist in spanish soap operas? When Rodrigo finds out he is his own mother
+Netflix: you still watching? Me, with a tub of ice cream: ya
+What do you call a black man who dies of heat exhaustion and a white guy that dies of a brain aneurysm? Different Strokes
+You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes - why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
+Sorry for taking 48 minutes of the lunch hour at work to cook a whole chicken in the microwave.
+My doctor told me I am colorblind. I had no idea! It came right out of the green
+I just had a nice lunch in the park; homeless people don't have it so bad after all.
+I know a lot of people don’t like the phrase “making love,” and I’m sorry but that’s what I call cooking meatballs and that isn’t going to change
+My front door doesn't have a peephole, so I use the mail slot to see who's at the door instead. Everyone who visits my house gets judged based on how their crotch looks.
+What did the girl say when the Statue of Liberty sneezed? God bless America.
+Spent all last night mouthing words to my dog to try and convince him that he'd gone deaf.
+Interviewer: How do you explain the five-year gap on your resume? Me: Oh, that was when I went to Yale. Interviwer: Amazing! You're hired. Me: Yay, I got a yob!
+Kids are seriously out there just interacting with each other like a bunch of drunks and potheads.
+What's the difference between a dog and a fox? About 20 beers!!
+I swapped my wife's parachute around with her backpack. Now when the bitch goes on her stupid camping holiday, all she will have is a parachute.
+What do you call the retarded guy that follows the band around? The Drummer
+Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I'm from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
+Thanks for watching tonight. Seems we wives stick together with our hair color! Better As Blondes And our hunting skills. On The Board!
+4yo: HELP Me: are you ok!? 4yo: I'm stuck! Me, running in: omg 4yo: I can't put my shirt! Me: those are pants
+A blind guy walks into a bar... ...then a table, then a chair, then another chair...
+The best math jokes I used to think maths was useless, but then one day I realised that decimals had a point.
+*Gets annoyed having to listen to 25 second long voicemail *goes back to listening to 2.5 hour long podcast
+I've become quite independent since my wife left... I just put my second load of washing through the microwave.
+Today is Day 1 of The Ordeal. I'm cleaning my house. How are the rest of you Hunters Widows spending your Saturday? Married To A Duck Hunter
+Did you hear about the Asian guy who was so terrible that nobody mourned his death? He was unbereaveable.
+Irish Nessie Over in Ireland, in a lake near Dublin, thay have their own Nessie. It's a monster that likes to ring doorbells. It's a knock-less monster.
+do you ever wish you were a vegetable at a grocery store so you can be lightly misted with water every few minutes...sounds like a dream
+I've got a friend who is a fat, alcoholic, transvestite. All he does is eat, drink and be Mary!!.
+As my 3yo gently pushed her baby around in her stroller I thought aww she's gonna be such a good mom one day. Then she gave the stroller a hard push towards the wall as she said, "goodnight baby."
+I don't trust stairs They're always up to something...
+Is the KKK a good source of Potassium? Yes, because they're all bananas.
+The only time my car goes 0-100 real fast. Is when it's sitting in broad daylight on a summer day. ROFL
+Say what you want about celebrities, but I for one have been enjoying seeing so many of them come out of the woodwork to kill their own careers with idiotic tweets.
+Argument with a woman is like reading the Software License Agreement... . . . . . At the end, you ignore everything and click 'I agree'.
+Me and my husband got a little too ambitious when we decided to have 4 kids. We were like, this really sucks lets make this suck more. Lets have a 4th just so we can have an even number of kids.
+Refined sugar is just like regular sugar, except it listens to classical music and speaks with an English accent.
+What did the homeless person say to the gay job interviewer when asked for his address? No home-o.
+The worst part about waking up from an afternoon nap is realizing you're still at work
+So 22 counties in Alabama are refusing to issue gay marriage licenses on the grounds that they believe in the traditional marriage of a man and his sister.
+What do you call someone whose GPA is greater than the number of inches their dick is? Asian
+No one is in denial as much as a married couple with kids telling you how great the minivan they just bought is.
+Black people, want to piss white people off? Open a restaurant. And don't serve coffee or brunch.
+The good part about parenting is you're only responsible for them till they're 18, then they're the criminal justice system's problem.
+In my spare time, I help blind kids I mean the verb, not the adjective
+watched three hours of a survival show and got in an argument with my neighbour for not letting me setup a few rabbit snares on his property
+spy: we‘ve put a cyanide capsule in your teeth as a failsafe me: mmph spy: did you just- you bit it already? me: *foaming at the mouth* nome ife dibnt
+Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
+While school clothes shopping: Mia-Are we done yet? Me-You have to get some jeans. Mia-Ugh. Shopping is NOT my cardio! 😂 She Gets It Naturally
+Champagne for my real friends. Real pain for my sham friends. Ginger ale for my friend Craig he has a tummy ache right now Craig why are you even at this party
+A skinny guy with a 6-pack is like a fat chick with t*ts. It doesn't count
+2020 is so crazy that if Morpheus showed up at my house and asked me if I wanted to take the blue or red pill I would just laugh.
+How to give your woman 12 inches and make her bleed. Bang her twice and punch her in the mouth.
+If a fat, rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy"
+Red wine is great when you want to have a nice drink and be classy, but also want to have purple teeth.
+me: are you mad at me? please say something self checkout: unexpected item in the bagging area me: you always do this self checkout: please can we talk about this when i get home, i'm working
+I always bring a plate of food with me to restaurants. That way I can hand it to the waiter if I accidentally respond with 'you too' when they tell me to 'enjoy my meal' so I won't look stupid.
+The penguin is mightier than the swordfish
+There is an Arab boy lost in the grocery store... The manager of the store walks up to the boy and asks "what does your mother look like?" The boy replies " I don't know".
+If I ever find out the name of the surgeon that screwed up my limb transplant, I'll kill him...with my bear hands
+A little boy walked into a police station "I lost my daddy" says the boy. "We'll look for him son, don't worry: what's he like?" asked the officer. "Liquor and women."
+If you want to be a General Motors engineer, your memory needs to be perfect. You have to recall everything.
+What do you call the boss of a chicken farm? An EGGxecutive.
+Where does a Muslim learn to swim? Inshallah water.
+I was vacuuming when my 3yo asked if I wanted to build stuff and knock it down. I have so much to do today, so we are building this huge tower and knocking that shit down with a soccer ball.
+turning on the shower but plugging the tub and watching the water rise like im stuck in a villain's trap
+scrolling through the dance dance revolution machine trying to find a slow song to salvage this date
+every day i wake up fucking shaking from rage that they made a movie about air bud’s kids and called it Air Buddies instead of Heir Bud
+Burying an elephant... is a mammoth undertaking.
+If someone could hurry up and make swimming in your t-shirt cool, I'd really appreciate it
+Nice try baseball players, I can tell your eyebrows are fake because you drew them on below your eyes.
+What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
+when im picking someone up and they ask how long before I get there I always say it depends on what song is playing
+A black lesbian, an obese white neck-beard, and an Indian comic walk into a bar. What do you get? A Netflix original series!
+Get married so you can argue about fun things like, stop eating my chips, and please don't leave your socks all over the house.

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SOCKET_DATA/hahackathon#humor_rating/val_labels.txt

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SOCKET_DATA/hahackathon#humor_rating/val_text.txt

@@ -0,0 +1,632 @@
+What's the difference between a Bernie Sanders supporter and a fat stripper? A fat stripper actually gets to the polls.
+Vodka, whisky, tequila. I'm calling the shots.
+French people don't masturbate They Jacque off
+A lot of Suicide bombers are Muslims - I don't blame them... I too would kill myself if I was a Muslim.
+What happens when you fingerbang a gypsy on her period? You get your palm red.
+Who's the biggest slut ever? Mrs. Pacman--for 25 cents that bitch swallowed balls till she died.
+Caught a tall black man looking through my window today. I knew he was tall because I live on the 2nd floor.
+Adam came before eve.... but then men normally do.
+Yeah...sounds good. Let's go into the woods at night. What could go wrong?
+How did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? "I just need some space."
+Big boobs are God's way of saying sorry to ugly girls.
+"Son, I don't think you're cut out to be a mime." "Was it something I said?" Asks the son. "Yes."
+What's the difference between an oral thermometer and an anal thermometer? The taste.
+I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
+[first day as a tsa agent] me: arms up guy: [t-pose] me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
+I regret falling in love with my British girlfriend. You give your heart to her and she Brexit into a million parts.
+What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? CLAUStrophobia!
+Did you hear about the band who were due to play a concert against teenage pregnancies? They pulled out at the last second.
+Last night I was visited by a ghost who claimed he had "unfinished business." Turns out he just needed something notarized.
+Not to brag, but I have sychic powers. For example, right now you're thinking: 'It's psychic, you idiot.'
+Guy: "Did the bus come yet?" Me: "If the bus came would I be standing here?"
+What do you call an Asian prize fighter who's dad has a serious case of diarrhea? A slap happy jappy with a crap happy pappy
+Anyone else having trouble getting rid of blackheads? I would put them in the bin but the bin men would just get suspicious.
+Darth Vader - The only black man to take responsibility for his child.
+Cremating my mother inlaw today was very distressing. We weren't close or anything its just the fact there wont be a grave to dance on
+I accidentally sent a dick pic to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it also cost me a fortune in stamps.
+Why are the labia on Japanese women oriented sideways instead of vertically? Goes better with their eyes.
+A snail is just a slug with a turban on.
+"Where's your mom from?" "Alaska." "Don't worry, I'll ask her myself."
+i want all the extra fat on my body to fall off and turn into cash
+If an object falls at 500ft/s how far must Mohammed run to escape the blast?
+Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they come with their own scales.
+I used to be addicted to soap. But I'm clean now.
+Police station toilet stolen. Cops have nothing to go on.
+[teacher] 24 + x + 30 = 90. Find x. [student] It's between 24 and 30.
+I wish the GPS lady would periodically say things like "Doin' great" or "Still going the right way, good job."
+"I had a stroke" Is what I intend to use as my excuse to my girlfriend, when she asks why I've been arrested at the strip club.
+My washer and dryer are doing this weird thing where they've started shrinking my clothes and adding stubborn fat around my midsection
+What do you call a person who hates fat people? Weighcist
+I tripped in France. Eiffel over.
+What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder without a protein shake? No whey Jose
+This woman said she recognised me from vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
+what dating advice would you give your younger self? Auntie Red Tweet Tea
+Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
+On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week. Runs until Friday.
+Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the "P" is silent.
+Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Knees and Toes.
+My mum laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.
+What's the difference between a Mexican and a book? The book has papers
+If you believe everything you read, better not to read
+Just told my joke about Peter Pan again. Never gets old.
+"Hiya" is probably the worst greeting you can possibly say to a karate instructor.
+2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing. Haven't heard from him since.
+They call guitars axes because you don't want to be around when an amateur gets ahold of one near a campfire.
+I don't understand how Elvis got so fat He ate nothing but a hound dog
+I like my women like I like my milk... White, with 2% fat.
+You know you spend way too much time on Twitter when your wife asks what you're doing online and "porn" is a better answer.
+When I first met your mom, I fell in love with her because she had a kind face... The kind of face I want to fuck the shit out of!
+What's the difference between a midget and a venereal disease? One's a cunning runt and the other's a running cunt.
+Some people are so ignorant and narrow minded. Not all Muslims are terrorists you know. Some are taxi drivers.
+What sound does a Chinese roller coaster make as it goes up an incline? chink chink chink chink
+A Latino shot an unarmed black man today, and everyone is in an uproar Especially the police, saying "They took our jobs!"
+What did the fat cat go to prison for? Purrrjury
+A group of leprechauns was recently busted for selling fake granite Yeah, they were sham rocks.
+Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in? The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!
+This is how Venmo suggests you approach the problem first. I sent the message a few days ago and Random Emily has not replied. I just sent a "reminder" and I want to die
+Just got back from a very emotional wedding, even the cake was in tiers.
+How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Nail a piece of toast to the ceiling.
+I got caught having sex with the secretary by my wife My wife was crying and saying you cant do this to me! I said: I Know thats why im doing it to her!
+California Fun Fact: 50% of our land is under yoga mats.
+At least when blacks started moving to this country we didn't have to worry about losing out jobs. Just our wallets.
+What do you call people who pretend to be Irish on St. Patrick's Day? Counterfitz
+For no reason whatsoever, I’ve been thinking about how long we have until Young Boomer and Elder Gen-X names become cool baby names again; GIVE ME BABY BARBARA AND BABY LINDA!!
+"Hi, I'm not a scammer, random Emily, but can you please send me back the chunk of money I sent you last week?"
+The 1-2 punch of the Thong Episode plus the Spice Girls Episode last night was really something. When Maya takes a bite of the apple bong and throws it on the ground!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
+I asked the surgeon: can I administer my own anaesthetic? The surgeon said: Go ahead, knock yourself out.
+boss: can i see you in my office me: [sheathing sword] why
+"No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian."...is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
+Cashier: Would you like to donate $2 to end world hunger? Me: Of course. Holy shit, I had no idea we were that close.
+I broke my finger last week... On the other hand I'm OK.
+What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck and.... ....I can't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore.
+I have a Pakistani girl friend. Last night she said that she wanted to blow me. Now I wasn't sure if I should lower my pants or call the cops.
+You momma so stupid.. She got fired from the m&m factory for throwing away all the W's
+Ugh your paleontologist friend is coming? He's so boring! Don't worry, I have a plan to keep him distracted *pulls out seven layer dip*
+Top 5 causes of loose stools: 5. Indian food 4. Lactose 3. Coffee 2. Mexican food 1. IKEA
+911: ok just stay where you are me: [stuck in the baby swing] ok
+I've decided to make an all-natural shampoo made from roots found in Africa. I'll call it Ethnic Cleansing.
+I was given a leaflet the other day on anger management. I lost it.
+Without a doubt, my favourite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire.
+How does a mother in West Virginia know when her daughter is on her period? Her son's dick tastes like blood.
+What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
+"It's a boy!" I shouted with tears. "I don't believe it. A boy!" It was at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.
+Freudly, my dear, I don't give a dad.
+Do you think Spain knew what they were doing when they let us have Florida?
+As I was checking into the hotel I asked, 'Is the porn channel disabled?' The girl at the desk said, 'No, you sick bastard'.
+I can't believe I got sacked from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
+So I was shopping online for antique guns..... and I got to the World War II section. I selected guns of French origin. They were all in mint condition.
+Im the nice guy that finished first..
+I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.
+What do wizards call unmagical African Americans? Niggles
+One minute my girlfriend is asking me to stop cross dressing, and when I argue about it she tells me to put myself in her shoes.
+I'd hate to be a midget chef. The steaks are too high.
+My girlfriend said we should experiment more in the bedroom. This morning we synthesised a new protein chain.
+Don't be racist. It doesn't matter if you're black, asian or normal!
+Everyone always says no one likes Africans. Well I've just been to Africa and I can assure you those fucking flies are quite fond of them.
+A mobster killed an Irishman with a porcelain doll He was accused of knick-knack paddy whack
+My eyelids are so sexy, I can't keep my eyes off them.
+"Does this uniform make me look fat?" - Insecurity Guard
+My sister told me she's dating an Irish guy I said, "Oh really?" She replied, "No, O'Reilly."
+Oh so this bath is only for birds? Pass me my pants, I have a pocket copy of the constitution in there I'd like you to read.
+A Polish guy goes to the eye doctor The doctor holds up a chart: K Z S Y X W K P G and asks the man if he can read it. "Read it?" he says, "I *know* the guy!"
+Dim light bulbs or bright light bulbs? Watts the difference.
+Decluttered my closet this weekend- not a single pair of my pants "sparked joy" and now I'm being charged with indecent exposure.
+The other day, I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow... I called her up and asked, ''Did you get my drift?''
+I can't believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician. I was just sitting around doing nothing.
+On facebook you can see how much your friends change. Like this one guy I've known since grade 1 doesn't talk about dinosaurs at all anymore
+Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can't think how I can ever repay you.
+If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
+adam: [naming the birds] tits god: lol ok but let's take this a little more seriously adam: blue-footed boobies god: you can't name all the birds after boobs adam: [pointing to rooster] cock
+I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
+Someone visiting Ireland sent me this photo of an ancient bog person. It looks just like me when I forget to moisturize.
+3 big lies. 1. I love you. 2. I'm fine. 3. That was my last piece of gum.
+After mating, a female Praying Mantis kills & eats the male. Guess she knows it's easier to claim life insurance rather than child support.
+What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her pussy? Only one retarded thing came out of her pussy.
+How many Jews does it take to change Hitler's mind? None, there has to be no Jews.
+Genie: You have 3 wishes. Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Ok. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a...
+A vegan, feminist, and a crossfitter walk into a bar... I know because they told everyone in twenty minutes.
+How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? The bitch can suck my dick in the dark for all I care....
+Facebook statuses are much like people with Down Syndrome. They were fun to look at for a while but ultimately no use to anyone.
+How do you turn an old dishwasher into a snowblower? You give her a shovel and tell her to get to work.
+a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
+Happy Valentines Day if you're celebrating, and Happy Friday if you couldn't care less. Today's a win-win.
+Christians read the Bible, Jews read the Torah, Muslims the Quran. Niggers? The Jungle Book.
+Just walked into an Arby's and asked, 'What's fresh today?' The cashier pointed to her cold sore.
+Tired of poems telling me how hard to go into that good night.
+What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts? Annette.
+I haven't bought an iPhone with Siri yet because I have a fear of talking to women.
+What is a Mexican's favorite Olympic event? Cross country
+Dallas Black people: please be Muslim please be Muslim please be Muslim. Muslim people: please be black please be black please be black
+Why do Jews have big noses? Free air.
+How many immature people does it take to change a light bulb? Your mom.
+"How do I look?" [friend] Fine. [good friend] Really pretty. [best friend] Horrible.
+Working as an elevator operator has its ups and downs.
+People say I'm 'old' and 'out of touch' but guess who just got his first iPod shuffle?
+Why don't Jews eat pussy? It's too close to the gas chamber
+What do you call Dracula's retarded cousin? Countdown 
+boss: we need ideas for this sesame street show writer: a blue monster that eats cookies writer: a trash-dwelling grouch named oscar new guy: a big fucking bird
+Once, my parents walked in on me masturbating Why they were walking around masturbating is beyond me.
+If you can't fix the brakes on your car, make your horn louder.
+Getting a prostate exam doesn't make you gay... Unless you spend all day studying for it.
+[first day in hell] satan: rule number one is no jokes me: and what is the policy on updog satan: you're going to burn forever guy in the back: wait what's updog everyone: pffff satan: holy shit no way
+I got arrested for punching this guy at a new years party... When you hear an arab counting down from ten your instincts kick in.
+Ambulance is spelled backwards on the front so when you look in your rearview mirror you don't confuse it with the other giant siren cubes.
+[friend] Hey dude. Washing your car? [me] Nope. I'm watering it to see if it grows.
+What do you get if a post office burns down? Black mail.
+They should make 9-1-2 a number you can call when it's not quite an emergency but you still need to vent. "Hello, Operator? Yeah, there's a bird on my car... No, I'm in the house, but I can see him through the window."
+NYT says elevator 'door close' buttons don't work and are there to give a false sense of control. In a related story, my life has been a lie.
+3 years ago I married my best friend... My girlfriend was angry but Dave and me thought it was hilarious.
+A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him? The Bartender.
+My wife is like a plunger She's good at bringing up old shit.
+Caitlyn Jenner becomes a super hero but doesn't know what group to join. She's still deciding whether to be an Ex-men or a Trans-former
+I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.
+I called a suicide hotline in Afghanistan They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
+What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
+So, I hear reincarnation is making a comeback.
+Why Did the Ebola Patient Cross the Road? Trick question. There are no roads in Africa.
+"Son In Iraq I killed 15 people." Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic Dad:Never said I was a good one
+A hungry traveller stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where there was a brother frying chips. "Are you the friar?" he asked. The brother replied, "No, I'm the chip monk".
+What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons? Jose and Hoseb
+My girlfriend keeps telling all her friends I'm racist.. typical lying Mexican.
+I tripped over my wife's bra. It was a booby trap.
+I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he'd walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong. He'll come round - eventually.
+What's a sluts favourite drink? 7 Up in Cider
+If I had a dollar every time someone called me a racist, a lot of black people would try to rob me
+Okay it is Fall Fucking Soup Time, what is your favorite recipe so everyone can cocoon themselves in soup recipes for the next five months?
+Ever noticed that all ghosts are White? Yeah, it looks like a good afterlife, doesn't it.
+What did Oprah say when she visited Harlem? "YOU get a father, and YOU get a father, and YOU get a father! Everybody gets a father!!!
+shit. the number the girl at the Sprint store gave me is MY number
+Don't have phone sex, you might get hearing aids.
+A Mexican , a black guy , an arab and A Jew Jump out of a plane....who wins? Society
+Happy Fathers Day to all the amazing dads out there! We raise our best dad mugs to all the great things you do...including the dad jokes.
+2 things you can learn in school: Texting without looking and teamwork on tests.
+I didn't take my husband's name when I got married. I thought it would be confusing if we were both called Kevin.
+What's black and sits at the top of a staircase? Stephen Hawking after a house fire.
+Once I had a machine that made counterfeit pennies. I regret it now, but it made a lot of cents at the time.
+Any fellow witches have a suggestion for what to do with the rest of the newt? Loving doing potions but I don't want to be wasteful.
+A woman stopped me in the street and asked me to show her how to get to the hospital. So I pushed her under a bus.
+A man tells his wife "Here's your aspirin, my dear." Wife: Why are you giving me an aspirin? I don't have a headache. Man: Gotcha! Let's fuck!
+Me and my limbo team go way back.
+I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.
+Epileptic Santa! "He seizures when you're sleeping."
+I know a hooker downtown that charges by the inch. I can't afford her, but you probably could. 
+Experts say caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad you, sugar is bad for you... But don't worry, worrying is also bad for you too.
+Here we go, the legendary Hollywood Week! Or as we like to call it, American Idol bootcamp.
+[me] Some people are like the summer. [friend] You mean hot? [me] I mean no class.
+Everywhere I look in my house I'm reminded of my dead wife. I really need to get round to cleaning the blood off the walls.
+Liquor probably won't fix your problems, but it's worth a shot.
+A farmer had a wooden tractor, with wooden wheels and a wooden engine. And guess what...... IT WOODEN GO!
+To whoever invented the zero: thanks for nothing.
+"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital." "Bob, you've been a doctor for 8 yrs now, stop starting every call we have with that."
+I'm really starting to hate these stupid little Russian Dolls. They're so full of themselves.
+Girlfriend left a note on the fridge. "It's not working. Can't take it anymore." Opened the fridge and the light came on. What the hell did she mean?
+Dad: Why are you eyes so red, son? Son: I smoked weed, dad Dad: Don't lie to me, you were crying because you are a faggot
+A man tried to sell me a coffin today... I said: 'That's the last thing I need.'
+Chilli didn't originate in Chile. There's surprisingly little ice on Iceland and Greenland is far from green. I'm emigrating to Niger.
+What smells worse than an anchovy? An anchovy's cunt
+Can't the starving African children just eat the fucking flies? That'll curb their hunger for the rest of their lives.
+Some helium floats into a bar and tries to order a drink. The barman says, "We don't serve noble gases in here." The helium doesn't react.
+What do you call a Mexican with a broken lawnmower Unemployed
+I call my car the 'Pussy Wagon'...Because that's where I go to cry.
+Can I ask you something? You're already asking.
+What did the lifeguard say to the drowning hippie? You're too far out man!
+Sorry about your street cred, black guys named Milton.
+Are you from Ireland? Cause when I look at you my penis is Dublin
+[after tripping, falling, and straight up sobbing for 9 minutes] so can I start you guys off with some drinks
+I am Buzz Aldrin. Second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.
+"One man's trash is another man's treasure"...is a shitty way to tell a kid they're adopted
+It doesn't matter if you're black or white. Unless my wife just gave birth to you.
+How to be an asian... Just squint your eyes and say "We all how smaw deek" out loud.
+Taught my friend that beard guys have a secret beard handshake. It's just touching beards and yes the lips kiss too but it's about the beard
+I love the 70 year old dude from Big Sky who's like, when you asked last time, I said Green Party just to fuck with you!
+"You're the bomb, no you're the bomb" A compliment in the United States, an argument in the Middle East.
+I asked my wife for an audiobook for my birthday, but she got me an encyclopedia instead. That spoke volumes.
+People say Millennials are entitled... but have you ever tried to tell an old lady her coupon has expired?
+Two Popes is dope
+Common sense is like AIDS. Some are born with it while others have to get it pounded into them.
+What do you call two just married spiders? Newly webs.
+Who is by far the smartest man in the army? General Knowledge.
+I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
+Why is Peter Pan always in flight? He Neverlands.
+I'm about to have a cup of dangerous coffee. Safe tea first though.
+I was going to tell you a gay joke, butt fuck it.
+Nothing beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice... Except Chris Brown
+What do cheap hotels and tight pants have in common? No ballroom.
+Chinese kid was born before the due date. Parents named him Sudden Lee.
+What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates : 1. Nice shirt 2. Wow, a second nice shirt. 3. Okay, first shirt again. 4. He has two shirts.
+I never question myself. Why should I start now?
+What do you call a Communist Mexican? A Gaucho Marxist
+Why do Arabs wear thawbs? Goats can hear a zipper from a mile away.
+What moisturiser do Spanish bullfighters use? Olay.
+How long does it take an Ethiopian Women to take a shit? 9 Months.
+"Kick Kick" don't you mean "knock knock?" No, I haven't got any arms.
+Bachelorette party planners: make sure to buy chocolate penises with at least 65% cocoa if you want the antioxidant benefits.
+"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"...is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic.
+"Daddy, can Akhmed come to my birthday party?" I guess so. He can help blow the balloons up.
+I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday. They don't make them like they're going to anymore.
+What do 9/10 people enjoy? Gang-rape
+boss: if you have any questions for me, don't be afraid to ask me: what if dumbledore wore jeans
+I slipped on some black ice yesterday... I thought it was regular ice until I realized my wallet was gone.
+"I can't eat anymore. I'm full" "Do you want a cookie?" "YESSSSSSSS!"
+You know those people who say "College football is better when notre dame is good"?? I'm not one of those people. As a great coach once said, "To hell with Notre Dame".
+I like how politicians always address us like we are positive, civic-minded, motivated people. I think we're all a bunch of fat jerks.
+Why do black guys always get red eyes during sex? Pepper spray.
+Why do black people have white palms? Everyone has a little good in them.
+Masturbation always leads to sex. It's a gateway tug
+Ever had sex while camping? It's fucking intents.
+After a great day in the sun, sea & sand with my wife, it ended in the best way possible. She drowned.
+Who came up with the word eerie, the fucking... e... store?
+What do you call a person of Irish and Asian descent? Rice Paddy.
+What do you call an Asian receptionist? Tai Ping.
+I asked a gardener which herbs were snitches... He said only thyme would tell.
+The best way to respond when a girl asks you if she's fat is to fake a seizure.
+My girlfriend left because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impression. But don't worry... I'll return.
+What Do You Call a Girl Who Doesn't Do Kegels? A lazy cunt!
+Fortune teller told me that I will be fucked by a beautiful lady today, and damn he was right a pretty mail lady just handed me over an audit letter from IRS.
+What do black people drive? house prices down
+Happy "turn your head and cough" Day! But seriously...get your yearly physical.
+Have you seen how bright the sun is during that Japanese heatwave? The whole population are squinting.
+What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
+My ex-wife says it was my obsession with horoscopes that Taurus apart.
+Yo momma's so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
+Police were called to a daycare centre today. A two-year-old boy was resisting a rest.
+Me : What's the wifi password? Bartender : You need to buy a drink first Me : Ok, I'll have a coke Bartender : Is Pepsi ok? Me : Sure, How much is that? Bartender : $3 Me : Ok. So what's the wifi password? Bartender : you need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase
+"Are we having fireworks tonight, dad?" "Seeing as your mother's burnt my dinner. Yes son, we are."
+How do you get a gay man to fuck a woman? Shit in her cunt.
+[first day as a doctor] me: look i know we didn't get along in high school but let's put that behind us here bully: ok i just need my diagnosis me: looks like you tested positive for bitch
+After sex there's nothing quite like a cigarette. The wife doesn't know I smoke but then again she doesn't know I fuck other women either.
+I've just got back from a friend's funeral. He died after he was hit in the head by a tennis ball. It really was a wonderful service.
+Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the udder.
+I ap-p-p-p-lied for a j-job as a r-r-r-radio an-n-nouncer. Sh-sh-shame on them, rej-jecting me because I'm b-b-b-black.
+Went to the shop the other day to buy 6 cans of Sprite. Only when I got home did I realise I'd picked 7up.
+[first day as a surgeon] chief: any questions on for first day? me: [raises hand] what do i do with this severed hand
+What is the biggest compliment you can pay at a gay bar? Pushing in somebody's stool.
+Heard about the new low fat comminion wafer? it's called "I can't believe it's not Jesus"
+What is a Mexican's favorite bookstore? Borders
+If a Catholic church is travelling at the speed of light, does it still have mass?
+What if Lady Gaga was half Irish, half Japanese? Rady O'Gaga
+Just realized I've been binge-watching my children's lives since they were born.
+George washington said "We would have a black president when pigs fly!" ... well, swine flu.
+From now on when skinny girls say they're fat I'm just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
+[first day as a hibachi chef] me: just try to catch it in your mouth customer: i don't want to do it me: [holding an entire turkey] ok here we go
+apple: our new watches are waterproof up to 30 meters deep me: what about arby's sauce apple: [visibly afraid] why would you have 30 meters of arby's sauce me: answer the god damn question
+[first day as a doctor] patient: please just give it to me straight doc me: [terrified of confrontation] so you're going to un-live
+I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
+A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame.
+[first day as a beautician] customer: you ruined my eyebrows me: are you mad i can't tell
+me: Should I pack condoms? wife*laughs* me*driving* wife*still laughing* me*checks into the hotel* wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
+What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!
+Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would've pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
+I don't want to brag, but I finished the jigsaw puzzle in a week... ...and it said 2-4 years on the box.
+Apparently, black men are hung like horses. Since when did anyone hang horses from trees?
+[friend] Did the bus come yet? [me] If the bus came would I be standing here?
+How do German women know when they're pregnant? They're never late...
+I keep looking at the smoke map that's promising "moderate air" tomorrow where I am and waiting for it to betray me
+ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVXYZ: Well well well if it isn't Mr. Syllables. W: Fuck off, guys.
+What's the difference between eating pussy and driving in the fog?... At least when your eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you!
+I had a near miss on my a flight to Thailand. Well a pre-op Transsexual.
+Zebras are just horses that have escaped from prison.
+Dear teacher: If the bell doesn't dismiss me, then the bell doesn't decide when I should be in class.
+guy: "You look nice today!" girl: "Didn't I look nice yesterday?"
+They used up all the fancy Latin words naming parts of the brain and by the time they got down to the legs they had to go with stuff like 'hamstring'
+What's the difference between a computer and a woman? A computer only has to have information punched into it once.
+Society is like toast. Scrape off the black bits and you're good to go.
+Burkas are fantastic. If you change wives, you can still keep the same photo in your wallet.
+What did the black woman name her 5 sons? Tyrone. How did she tell them apart? She just called them by thier last names.
+How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler.
+What do men and public toilets have in common? All the good ones are taken, the rest are full of shit.
+Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wont think twice. Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember. Because elephants never forget
+A woman screams as she gives birth... "What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks. "What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!" "Sorry babe. *What is* wrong?"
+What does Subway and a Hollywood Tranny have in common? Both offer $5 dollar Foot Longs
+Why are Ethiopian's teeth so white? Because they never use them
+Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
+Pro tip: if you're caught peeing in public, write the word 'Hi' ì now you're expressing a First Amendment right.
+"My memory is so bad." "How bad is it?" "How bad is what?"
+The cross country skier decided to retire because his career was going downhill.
+I admit I was wrong about how good my chiropractor is. I stand corrected.
+[friend] Can I ask you something? [me] You're already asking.
+Imagine watching Kirk Cousins play and locking him up for 6 years, $90,000,000, fully guaranteed. BWAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. You Like That
+A motorist was pulled over by a traffic cop. "Excuse me, sir," said the cop. "Do you realize your wife fell out of the car two miles back?" "Thank God," he said. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
+I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paper's jammin' again.
+Donald Trump - 'Every man and woman will receive $1200 during this crisis. And just like that.... There were only 2 genders again!
+What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
+How do you call a beautiful feminist? An oxymoron
+Here we go!!! Dr. Sam...haha. The one armed doctor is in!
+I heard they came out with the new black transformer... His name is Optimus *Crime*
+one time I stuck my hand in a jar of jelly beans and when I took it out all the black one stole my rings and watch
+Even the best men in the Chinese military Have chinks in their armor
+My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
+ Two unemployed Irishmen walk past a police notice board with "two black men wanted for rape" first one says "fucking niggers get all the best jobs"
+why do mexicans make refried beans? Have you ever heard of a Mexican doing anything right the first time?
+What did the bra say to the hat? You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift.
+Riverdance was invented by an Irish family with 7kids but only one toilet.
+Whats the difference between a boy scout and a jew? The boy scout returns home from the camp.
+why do we only eat some of the animals? I'm looking at you manatees keep being fat, your day will come
+You'll get it next time, bud.' - Me, every time I try to spell the word 'necessary'
+People think I'm weird because I swallowed an Abacus. It's what's inside that counts.
+What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyonce.
+What did the gay guy say to his lover when they were going on vacation? "Hey, can you help me pack my shit?"
+I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we walked around the office, she starting crying, so I asked what was wrong with her. As my colleagues gathered round she sobbed: "But daddy where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"
+who says homosexuality isn't a decision? i turn women gay all the time.
+An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here's everything she knows about me: 1) I don't have a car
+Son: Mom! What's a girlfriend? Mom:if you are a good boy,you will get one when you're older. Son:What if i'm not a good boy? Mom:You'll get many.
+My internet bride got delivered today. She's the WiFi always dreamed of.
+What's a specimen? An Italian astronaut.
+Lots of violence could have been prevented in the old west if only cowboy architects had made the towns big enough for everyone.
+Yawning is our body's way of saying 10% of battery remaining.
+woman should have 4 pets in her life A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for it all.
+[first day as safari guide] me: ah yes on your left you can see some uh [forgot my glasses] guests: [looking at flamingos] me: i'm gonna say cotton candy
+What's the difference between Jews and Santa? Santa goes down the chimney.
+What's Michelle Obama's favourite vegetable? Barackoli.
+My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.
+Ugh, you offer someone a sincere compliment on their moustache and suddenly she's not your friend any more.
+[out at dinner] me: is that guy staring at you? i should kick his ass, i fear nothing my girlfriend: i think you should just ask the waiter for the check me: i fear one thing
+Did you know 'emas eht yltcaxe' is exactly the same backwards?
+A giant fly has attacked the local police... Police have called SWAT team.
+I saw a cougar. In leopard-print tights. Driving a Jaguar. No lion.
+What do flies wear on their feet? Shoos.
+"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?" "Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"
+When a Lyft driver offers you a mint, it's 'good service.' But somehow it's 'not cool' when I offer all my passengers a rotisserie chicken.
+Today a woman came into my doctor's office with a sexually transmitted mental illness. She was fucking crazy.
+An Asian girl walks up to me in a bar. She says ***"Sex sex sex, free sex tonight!"*** Apparently she was giving me her number.
+A guy died from laughing too much. It was manslaughter.
+I hated my job as an origami teacher. Too much paperwork.
+[friend] Perfect morning for running. [me] Perfect morning for sleeping more.
+I don't know who needs to hear this but January is almost over
+I miss my umbilical cord, I grew attached to it.
+Finally got round to watching 12 years a slave. Can't believe how badly they treated that poor man. He paid good money for that nigger.
+I called the doctor "My wife is going into labour! What should I do?" "Is this her first child?" he asked. "No, this is her husband."
+what is the most confusing day in the ghetto? father's day
+My friend David recently lost his ID. Now we just call him Dav.
+Apparently 'Because I'm white' isn't an acceptable answer to "What proof can you give that you were NOT at the scene of the crime"
+What did the asian parents call their retarded son? Sum ting wong
+Germany opened up a summer school for kids with ADD. Its a concentration camp.
+'babe, i'm ready' -says my wife, from the bedroom 'be right there' -i say from the bathroom, trying furiously to untangle my yo-yo string
+What time do you go to the dentist? Tooth Hurty.
+What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
+Do you want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I'm still working on it!
+Just learned that the money I donated to help 'save' the elephants goes to baptizing them.
+[teacher] "Solve 128 x 8 + (96 : 4 x 32) + 5 x 90.5 : 2 on the board" [student] Erase the board. Problem solved.
+How did I get out of Iraq? Iran.
+[first day working at a sperm bank] guy: i'd like to make a donation me: ok cum right this way guy: me: because guy: no I get it
+BUT DON'T WORRY, THE BARS ARE STILL OPEN
+What borders stupidity? Canada and Mexico.
+Just think, 100 years from now, our grandchildren will be taking down Senator Kid Rock statues.
+"Give it to me," my girlfriend yelled. "I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella
+Where do you drown a hipster? In the mainstream.
+Whenever a pen stops working mid-sentence, instead of doing a few swirls at the top of the page, I start drawing the outline of a pen being broken in half and old Mr Bic gets the message real fast.
+Things That Dont Make Sense women who complain about cant finding a good man but they always been attracted to the bad guys
+boss: can i talk to you in my office me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
+I can't wait for a McDonald's to open in Ethiopia just so I can ask..... "You want flies with that?"
+did you know that protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic!
+I hate two types of people: 1) People who find a way of putting animals into words when they aren't actually there. 2) Hippocrites.
+What do you call a black guy in a museum? Antique farm equipment
+I also bought my one allotted massive bag of Candy Corn; I am ready To Fall
+A girl asked if I play any Indian instruments. I told her I play mandolin, violin and cello. Close, but no sitar.
+I did the Macarena, the mashed-potatoes, and the "funky-chicken," and I had my young daughter absolutely rolling over with laughter. My wife had a face like thunder though and hissed, "Get the fuck off my mother's grave."
+My ex-girlfriend was a slut. She bust more nuts than a pistachio junkie. 
+To be frank, would involve changing my name.
+"Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?" "No son, have you seen my dad glasses?"
+What did the porn actress say when she opened the door? Make sure to come upstairs.
+I didn't fall. The floor just needed a hug.
+What do you call a black lady having an abortion? A hero
+After I retire, I want to move to Vermont and confuse visitors by opening a 'Bed OR Breakfast.'
+Why did the baker rob the bank? Because he kneaded the dough.
+Just got asked to autograph a breast. My wife was nearby, so I told him 'no.'
+What do you call a Chinese man with a camera? Phil Ming.
+why did my wife didn't like her jewellery? cuz she is a nazi
+Most of the time "politically incorrect" is just code for "incorrect."
+What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we're not around?
+Just found out that every Fourth of July, the British celebrate, "We Dodged a Bullet Day."
+When my Girlfriend got pregnant... Everything changed... My name, My Address, My phone number, My email ID Everything.....
+My extreme sport is people watching on Halloween weekend. Who got a shot of the best costume?
+You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.
+One night, as I was laying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself "What the hell happened to the roof?"
+Did you hear the one about the gay midget? He went up on a guy.
+'Vegetarian' is an old Indian word ... ... for 'bad hunter'.
+How are black people like Christmas lights? Half of them don't work and the ones that do aren't that bright
+Many people are worrying about the affects of genetically modified crops. "There is no proof of any adverse effects,' said one carrot.
+I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
+Caitlin Jenner isn't transgender. She's trans-Jenner.
+What did one snowman say to the other snowman? "Can you smell carrots?"
+Whenever I talk to a Mexican I feel like there's some kind of barrier between us It's about 4 ft high, made of wood and there's usually a cash register on top of it.
+How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don't show it to her.
+[commercial for straws] doesn't life fucking suck ha ha [turns to new camera angle] well now you can too
+I asked a woman at work... "Are you doing anything this weekend?" "No" she smiled whilst fluttering her eyelashes... "Great" I replied "the rest will do you the world of good, you look like shit"
+Apparently saying "I didn't think anyone would notice" is not a justifiable excuse for having a shit in a Mosque.
+I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I'll pass the test.
+With how fat America is, I'm surprised their currency isn't in pounds.
+With the way science is going and the way journalism is going, it's possible that in twenty years the weirdest part of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will be that there was once a local reporter.
+I asked my Chinese friend what it's like to live in China. He says he can't complain.
+Where do you take a frog with bad eyesight? To the hoptician.
+Today is National Orgasm Day? What is the world cumming to?
+Every morning, I do 100 pushups and 300 crunches, then follow it up with 2 huge lies about my morning routine.
+Teach a man to fish? Never. It's hard enough to catch those slippery devils without the competition. I'll teach a man a scary story about how the ocean will kill you if you even think about fishing.
+I am, regrettably, here
+Give an African a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach an African to phish and he'll steal your identity.
+I almost got raped in jail. My family takes monopoly way too seriously.
+A little fact about me: 'I can hold my pee all night' was my least successful pickup line.
+Give a Nigerian a fish he'll eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince and start e-mailing people.
+"I'm Bill Gates, today I'll teach you how to count to 10" 1, 2, 3, NT, 95, 98, 2000, Me, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10
+Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
+why do they throw shit at a pakistani wedding? keeps the flies away from the bride
+What do gay Asian men do in the bedroom? They Bangkok
+What do you call footwear made from a banana? A slipper!
+I painted my PC black hoping it would run faster but now it doesn't work at all.
+I took a viagra this morning but it got stuck in my throat. I've had a stiff neck all day.
+What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
+Finally some free time. Should I push the button on my phone that makes me feel bad about my career, the one that makes me feel bad about my body, or the one that makes me feel bad about the people I grew up with?
+Me and my recliner go way back.
+Why Latvian man did cross road? Man have no chicken. All animals are die in famine. Man cross to look for potato. No potato.
+Oh I also bought some wool socks, very glamorous
+Confucius say its good to meet girl in the park ...But its better to park meat in the girl.
+What's the difference between a blonde and a washer? When you dump your load in a washer, it doesn't follow you around for a week.
+What do Jews love most about their mobile phones? They can charge them.
+What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? SNOWBALLS!
+Diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in your jeans.
+Time for another beer... 4 th Quarter time.
+Snap! Crackle! Pop!' - me getting out of a beach chair.
+Not really looking forward to my next Podcast.... it may be tonight...it may be tomorrow... ugh... Fear The Deer
+Kim Jong Un has become so fat We now refer to him as Kim Jong Deux.
+Just went to the doctor, my BMI is 40% ice cream.
+I have a job crushing soft drink cans. It's soda pressing.
+Tried to impress my buddy by dunking two balls into the poolside basketball hoop at the same time but the balls bounced off each other and killed me.
+Q: What does an Irishman have for dinner? A: Starvation. Q: And what does he have for dessert? A: Ethnic cleansing.
+I always appreciate a good pun, but never geographical ones There's Norway I'd sink Oslo as that
+I saw two really fat people today talking... Looked like a heavy discussion
+A lion never cheats on their wife. But a Tiger Wood.
+I can sympathize with batteries. I never get included in anything either.
+Does it make me seem more badass if I drink this Sleepytime Herbal Tea out of a human skull?
+What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a voluptuous lobster? One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean.
+"I stand corrected," said the man in orthopaedic shoes.
+FACEBOOK GROUP. "Every women deserves a man who looks at her like its the first he saw her". Luckily for my wife I've got Alzheimers.
+Can you believe that my neighbor knocked at my door at 2AM!? Luckily, I was up playing my drums.
+Why did so many jews die at Auschwitz? Because the exit doors were coin operated.
+Dear Math, I don't want to solve your problem, I have my own problems to solve. Sincerely, students.
+Next year I'll give up spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights. It's going to be Excel Lent.
+I took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise. He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD and now it's fine.
+What's the definition of a redneck virgin? A 7 year-old girl who can run faster than her brothers.
+A paraplegic walks into a bar. Only joking. As if.
+What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
+What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a nigger? Someone who is too lazy to steal.
+A Mormon came to my door, and after a long, emotional, and persuasive pitch, I got him to start wearing longer sleeves.
+A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
+A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
+Twitter is cool cuz someone who works at a bank will tweet amazing jokes and the funniest comedian you know will tweet "today I had an egg"
+Dear sneeze, If you're gonna happen, happen. Don't put a stupid look on my face and leave it at that. Sincerely, I look like an idiot.
+"Dad, was I adopted as a child?" The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully: "We tried, but nobody would take you"
+Chess is banned under Islam. They hate that the queen moves freely and that there are two towers standing.
+Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
+The United Nations is like a black father You know it exists but it's just never there when you need it .
+Not to brag, but I've satisfied every waitress that has ever served me. With just the tip.
+I didn't realize the reopening of the Lego store was going to be so popular... People were lining up for blocks.
+Why Christmas is like a job day? You do all the work but the big fat man in suit get the credits
+You're about as useful as Anne Frank's Drum Kit
+What do you call an African American Houdini? Black Magic
+Ever hear the one about the deaf guy? Neither did he.
+I bet my butcher he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said he wasn't going to bet with me. He told me the steaks were too high.
+Nobody ever asks how Coca-Cola is doing. It's always, "Is Pepsi okay?"
+A guy walks into a hotel and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The front desk guy replies "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."
+Number 1 was making fun of 0 for being fat and how he equates to nothing. This continued for several weeks until 0 had enough. He grabs 1 by his throat and shouts "Stop boolean me!".
+Bold prediction for Mayweather Mc Gregor: multiple violent incidents between drunken fans who see this event as a racial proxy war.
+What did the mermaid wear to her maths class? An algae bra.
+[teacher] Where's your homework? [student] I lost it. 15 minutes later [student] I just found it! [teacher] No. You just did it.
+What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe? Roberto.
+A sign you are a grown up is when you realize, school is actually more fun than work.
+Stevie Wonder got a cheesegrater for Christmas. He said it was the most violent book he's ever read.
+Basketball. The legal way to buy a nigger.
+What do you call cheese that isn't yours? NACHO CHEESE.
+Facebook is basically a website that will tell you people's birthdays in exchange for whatever joy you were feeling before you opened it.
+What do you call the first black guy elected to the White House? Precedent.
+I guess hookers are getting into the holiday spirit. I seen one today advertising pumpkin spice pussy.
+I beat a black belt at karate. My next challenger is a green sock.
+I asked the lady from the collection agency out on a date. She turned me down, but keeps calling. I told her I'm too old for games.
+Dear Mother In Law, Don't teach me how to bring up my children. I'm living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement. Regards, Doc.
+What do you get when you have sex with an STD infested mentally challenged person? The slow clap
+chocolate just tastes better when you pretend a fat German kid drowned in it
+When you're a kid and you draw some legs you simply draw two sticks. It's not until you're older that you learn the importance of the butt.
+Teacher: "Simon, can you say your name backwards?" Simon: "No Mis."
+Dear mathematics: Stop asking to find your x. She has a new boyfriend.
+What's the difference between my dick and my jokes? My girlfriend never laughs at my jokes
+NYC's official First Day Of Spring is when outdoor seating becomes an option again.
+Why did the old lady put wheels on her rocking chair? Because she wanted to rock and roll.
+What do you call a group of Japanese people running up a hill? Tsunami Warning
+I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. A sign read: "Bread in captivity."
+[first day as a priest] guy: father i must confess my sins me: what's the tea my child
+Railing at what's wrong with the opposite sex is like yelling at cancer. It may make you feel better, but it won't heal a thing.
+Boy: Calls 911 Boy: calls 911 Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Boy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency? Boy: The ugly one is winning.
+First rule of Bollywood Club is: Copy every plot from Hollywood Club. Second rule of the Bollywood Club is: Dance for no fucking reason.
+My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
+Do teens actually like PEN15 or is it too *actually* teen?
+boss: our insurance doesn't cover "scared farting syndrome" me: i was afraid you'd say that boss: me: boss: oh jesus christ man
+Falafel is a weird name cuz I actually falgreat every time I eat one
+Someone said my clothes were gay. I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."
+I can't eat anymore, I'm full Do you want a cookie? YESSSSSSSS!
+I don't like Jewish jokes. Anne Frankly I won't stand them.
+Barbie have revealed their first hijab-wearing doll. It's so realistic that it even has a removable clitoris.
+So you're telling me, I'm the *only* person at this party who thought the 'B' in 'BYOB' stands for 'Botulism?'
+I accidentally drank a little food coloring last night. I ended up dying inside.
+"He wouldn't know a suburb unless he took a wrong turn" is admittedly a good line
+Why should transgender people get separate bathrooms? There's already handicapped stalls.
+Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party? He was looking for a tight seal.
+[first day as a baker] boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
+Do you think the guy who invented French bread was overcompensating?
+I dream of girl's changing rooms being full of naked, showering women. But whenever I've run in there, they're just full of screaming ones.
+Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba-dum tish!
+Just got picked up in a self-driving Lyft. And the driver still talked my ear off.
+Even though we're in the same time zone, my wife is always one hour ahead of me.
+How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
+Using Instagram as my only data set, I estimate my friend's food budget to be about $78,000 a year.
+Non alcoholic beer is like eating out your sister... Tastes the same as others, but it just isn't right...
+Flowers are badasses. Flowers eat the sun and if you don't think that's badass I can't help you.
+How do you bury a Jew? Dig a really deep hole and throw a penny in it.
+If only mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood.
+[first day in heaven] me: i'm sorry the bible just doesn't mention jesus having a brother brett christ: are you fucking serious
+boss: can i speak to you in my office me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
+Your cooking is pretty pathetic despite watching cooking shows on TV. Wife: You watch Porn but do I complain?
+"Doc, I ate one of those 'Do not Eat' silica packets. Am I going to die??" Doctor: Well, everyone is going to die eventually. Man: Everyone?? Holy shit, what have I done?
+What type of bees produce milk? Boobees.
+Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who's sick of her bullshit.
+Whats the difference between a rooster and a prostitute? One goes "cockadoodle doo", the other goes, "Any cock 'ill do." 
+What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
+What do you call it when you use your debit card to pay to have sex with an illegal immigrant? Paperless transaction
+I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said: 'How about walking through the room naked?'
+How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.
+"Son, I found a condom in your room." "Gee thanks, Grandpa!" "Why are you calling me Grandpa?" "Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
+Exercise bikes get you nowhere.
+Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed? He had low elf-esteem.
+I built an electric fence around my property yesterday. My neighbour is dead against it.
+Yesterday I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind man. Today I lost my job as a bus driver.
+"You look nice today" "Was I ugly yesterday?"
+Some people cry when slicing up onions. I try not to form an emotional bond.
+[arriving in hell] me: i didn't know i'd have to wear what i died in forever satan: where did you even find denim underwear
+Yo mama's so dumb, she bought tickets to see Xbox live.
+Volkswagen How many Jews Can you fit in a Volkswagen? 2 in the front, 3 in the back, and 6 million in the ashtray
+Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can't live on salad, Eleanor
+[first day working at subway] robber: gimme all your money me: would you like that toasted
+Did you study for the test? Nerd: All week long. Most of people: I read the chapter. Me: What test?!
+1 week before Grandad died we bought him a snowboard... He went downhill very quickly after that.
+American Detective: I solved the case by breaking all the rules British Detective: I solved the case by noticing a specific umbrella
+I called the Child Abuse Hotline. A kid answered, called me a fat cunt, and told me to fuck off.
+Friends: "what a perfect morning for a run" Me: "What a perfect morning for sleeping more"
+Italian restaurant. I went to my local Italian restaurant last night, but there was a large fat woman standing at the entrance. I couldn't get pasta.
+Happy Thanksgiving! Grateful for fam, friends, hibiscus tea, and stretchy pants that I'll need tomorrow. What're you thankful for?
+How does the Easter bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise.
+Why do seagulls live by the sea? Because if they lived by the bay they'd be bagels.
+[teacher] Why are you late? [student] Why does it matter? You still get paid, right?
+Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
+Miss Universe pageant will be awesome when the sluts from other planets finally decide to show up.
+What did the vampire say to the teacher? See you next period.
+Whats the useless skin around the vagina called? A woman
+I bought my wife a Pug as a present. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.
+What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
+Have you ever had Ethiopian food? Neither have they
+I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
+Kids today learn about sex and Alexander Hamilton much sooner than I did.
+Chinese takeout $30.00. Gas to pick it up $20.00. Getting home and realising they have forgotten one of your containers - Riceless
+A horse walks into a bar... The bartender says, "Hey". The horse replies, "Sure".
+A real man should know how to order whiskey: on the rocks, in a stemmed glass, and replaced with white wine.
+I'm half-French and half-American, but I know my heart is American, do you know why? Because if it were French it would stop working!
+[late 2000's medical drama] doctor: [walks in from operating room] woman: how is he [the doctor gives a pained frown as how to save a life by the fray starts playing] doctor: oh that's my ringtone [answers phone] what's that oh her husband died damn ok
+The body is 70% water.. So cool, I'm not fat, I'm just flooded..
+How do you stop a woman giving you a blow job? Marry her.
+I asked one of my sumo-wrestling friends whether he wanted some sushi for dinner He just replied "No thanks, I'm not a big Japanese guy"
+I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today. Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
+Coca-Cola can be pretty insensitive. I mean how are black kids going to feel when they pick up a bottle with "Share a Coke with Dad" on it?
+Jokes about German sausages are the Wurst.
+What do you call a girl who expects a guy to do everything for her, make all the first moves, and text her first every day? SINGLE
+Every time I ask someone what the acronym LGBTQ stands for I can never get a straight answer.
+Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
+How do they practice safe sex in Scotland? They brand the sheep that kick.
+Little timmy has no hands. What did he get for Christmas? Gloves. Just kidding. He still cant open his present. christmas jokes
+A short poem for y'all... "*Roses are black* *Violets are black* *Everything's black* *Even I am black*" - Stevie Wonder
+The Taliban's new leader is said to be 'low-key.' Which explains the Taliban's new video, 'Death to Whatevs!'
+Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
+Time flies when you're throwing watches.
+White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do. We do it in schools, because we have class.
+Women are so confusing, one day they say they love hummus and then the next day they say it's a bad birthday present.
+What if the man in Edvard Munch's 'The Scream' is actually just singing 'Day-O' from 'The Banana Boat Song?'
+I visited Amsterdam this summer, and decided to have sex with a prostitute. It was an overall positive experience. Sadly, it was an HIV positive experience.
+boss: what are you doing inventor of the bagpipes: i have no fucking idea
+"Mum, all the black kids call each other Nigga, but when I call them it I get in trouble." "That's because you're a police officer."
+I don't know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

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SOCKET_DATA/hahackathon#offense_rating/label_list.txt

@@ -0,0 +1 @@
+offense rating

SOCKET_DATA/hahackathon#offense_rating/test_labels.txt

@@ -0,0 +1,1000 @@
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SOCKET_DATA/hahackathon#offense_rating/train_labels.txt

@@ -0,0 +1,8000 @@
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SOCKET_DATA/hayati_politeness/label_list.txt

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SOCKET_DATA/hayati_politeness/test_labels.txt

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SOCKET_DATA/hayati_politeness/test_text.txt

@@ -0,0 +1,32 @@
+Don't ever kiss the other girl in a 3some, don't hug that hoe none of that
+@BarackObama @MichelleObama omfg you elitist bitch no one cares what you think! go fuck yourselves are you in china anyway?
+What is this miserable ass weather all about  dark and gloomy #depressing #weekoff #wheresthesun
+An exhilarating futuristic thriller-noir , Minority Report twists the best of technology around a gripping story , delivering a riveting , pulse intensifying escapist adventure of the first order
+So... you want to implement an exclusive decision tree without using if/elif? Why???
+See you at our #CampaignMasterclass on Friday @HaysTravel, we're very excited and we hope you are too  #emailmarketing
+!!!!!!"@__BrighterDays: I can not just sit up and HATE on another bitch .. I got too much shit going on!"
+RT @GirlTalk26: "Real men ask for nudes" Correction. Pussy ass bitches ask for nudes. Real men are out there working for women & actually h…
+@lala Loving your book 'The Power Play'-It is a serious game changer. If nothing else, my dreaming big will land me amongst the stars.
+If not for GZ, #Trayvon would be alive right this second... Smoking a bowl and tweeting about "bitches and hoes". Such a nice kid he was...
+I understand that *part* of the problem behind using cooking oil is that it goes bad and can smell faintly like, well, rotting food. Why does cooking oil do this and not chain lube?
+@Amber02150 Good morning! Happy winter day. :)
+!!!!!!!!!!!!! RT @ShenikaRoberts: The shit you hear about me might be true or it might be faker than the bitch who told it to ya 
+Jealousy is such a bitch.
+@Patsfanjoe32: @d_palomino52 I think worst advice I gave you was  don't be a pussy and speed up" lol"
+A fast , funny , highly enjoyable movie .
+Ramsay , as in Ratcatcher , remains a filmmaker with an acid viewpoint and a real gift for teasing chilly poetry out of lives and settings that might otherwise seem drab and sordid .
+There are simply too many ideas floating around -- part farce , part Sliding Doors , part pop video -- and yet failing to exploit them .
+Please edit your question and explain what isn't working. What errors are you seeing, or how isn't it working as you expect?
+Won't be watching ESPN anymore, they took Robert Lee off because of HIS name, PC Police, what insanity! more #hatred #bigots #LeftwingNutJob
+#10ThingsThatGetsOnMyNerves Needy hoes, ratchet Hoes, sideline hoes, Beggin' hoes, dumb hoes, looking for love on Facebook hoes..
+I would go and say, "I can't find any problem. Are you sure it's not the user?"
+“@sabdaddyy: Shine on them hoes http://t.co/xOurnvvaYP” look at my baby daddy
+Good Morning to you hoes and pimps.
+@ToulaBaby faggot is a public spectacle. most gays are not fags. public display gets public opinion.
+...Son of a bitch took my Tic Tacs.  I like this movie.
+I'm really very sorry, but no, I '''didn't''' know, didn't get a message saying that was wrong. Where was it?
+@GirlThatsVonte: Yall still going trick or treating this year or nah?hell yeah ima be da sweet tooth bandit steal bitches bags n shit
+Yes @itv2 @LoveIsland putting that Angel @MikeThalassitis back in the villa was the best move #revenge #returnofthemike #LoveIsland #hot
+@KCJHoop pretty sure you meant flight and not flite, dumb ass cracker.
+I am concern why this user never replies to messages left on her talk page. Does she talk?
+Blah blah blah Kyrie, IT, etc. @CJC9BOSS leaving Boston is the real news and I am #devastated! #celtics #fave  #someonegetmeajerseyteeasap

SOCKET_DATA/hayati_politeness/train_labels.txt

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SOCKET_DATA/hayati_politeness/train_text.txt

@@ -0,0 +1,256 @@
+!!!!“@selfiequeenbri: cause I'm tired of you big bitches coming for us skinny girls!!”
+Edinburgh is fuckedThis city is a nightmare to drive 'round! One ways, bus lanes, cameras, feckin' trams! Who's idea was that?!
+@NICKIMINAJ: #WutKinda  r purple. Ceeeleeeman this gurl was jus playin on the "stupid hoe " track. But in still shitted on sum gurls
+What an interesting idea. I'll ponder it more. Have you ever seen this done for real?
+A warm , funny , engaging film .
+Just watching #Phoenix video for the first time. Holy fuck, this guy is seriously deranged, unhinged. Why is everyone not #terrified?
+If yo nigga catch you cheating, and beat yo ass in front yo lil yeah, and lil yeah don't help. You still give him pussy ladies?
+@Colin Fine: I think it's a good example, especially for the use case described. Could you please add your comment as an answer?
+Stealing Harvard is evidence that the Farrelly Bros. -- Peter and Bobby -- and their brand of screen comedy are wheezing to an end , along with Green's half-hearted movie career .
+Keep it real, Keep it real, Keep it real, Keep it real. Nigga say he fucked my bitch and he couldn't wait to squeal
+@mrjamesob @LBC  snowflake random such a funny man never a dull moment brilliant
+Hey, I found <url> and at around 1:10, I think I can see the Backstreet Boys holding platinum discs (or double platinum, I'm not sure) for Backstreet's Back and Millennium. Can you please verify and is it possible to use this as a source for adding South African certifications?
+NBA ALLSTAR weekend is an unofficial negro holiday
+@jonlovett All that said, you're hilarious and smart. Lovett or Leave It is brilliant. Please come do a live show in Florida!
+#QuestionIAskMySelf why should I be slapping this hoe tuh solve something, ima leave it alone..............I never usually listen to myself
+I went to jail for a flock, &amp; came home wit a strike.. You went to jail as a bitch, came home as a dike- @YG
+@Ginoceno Great prediction bro! Nice optimism #FAKEFAN
+Is she my kind of hoe or nae "@LissetElisa: Its ok you a hoe anyways &#128522;"
+Green might want to hang onto that ski mask , as robbery may be the only way to pay for his next project .
+@ShanTaughtHer: These catfish hoes thinkin they slick.. But niggas catching on &#128524;
+I am really flattered and happy to hear those complements for my blog! You guys motivates me to write more for my blog. Thank you! sml
+How do you photoshop yourself and still be ugly? That's like cheating on test and still failing... Be ashamed bitch!
+a nightmare date with a half-formed wit done a great disservice by a lack of critical distance and a sad trust in liberal arts college bumper sticker platitudes .
+@freemanstanzan2 you're a cowan... that means you're a slimebag. I wouldn't trust you as far as I could throw you. #arsehole @StuartHarker1
+Please stop ruining my depressing memes with your positivity and optimism
+It's not often you see the words "disingenuous," "egregious," and "cunt filth" all in one sentence and properly used. #points
+An artful , intelligent film that stays within the confines of a well-established genre .
+Where are you using this code? Have you tried `theme_get_setting('logo_path', 'THEME_NAME')`, replacing THEME_NAME with the name of your theme?
+This piece of Channel 5 grade trash is , quite frankly , an insult to the intelligence of the true genre enthusiast .
+@BecOfTheKop Something for me to ignore then. Sounds dreadful.
+@roLLYuP23: No text back? I don't give a fuck, I'll text another bitch damn someone is hurt lol
+It provides an honest look at a community striving to anchor itself in new grounds .
+James Clapper 'scary and disturbing'.  #25thAmendmentNow #ImpeachTrump  #terrified #nuclearcodes  #Godhelpus
+Sounds interesting. Could people keep me in the loop as well?
+#IndiaAgainstIslamists #RadicalIslam possess the danger not only2 #India ,but also 2the world .Its time 4 uprooting the source f #terrorism
+Thanks, I think Angel Mendez will be a good story for the portal. What do you think?
+The fly-on-the-wall method used to document rural French school life is a refreshing departure from the now more prevalent technique of the docu-makers being a visible part of their work .
+Very important thing for today: Do not #bully yourself with #100DaysOfCode Believe me, It ruins fun!
+And now you undid my declination of that one which was copyrighted. Would you ''please'' quit undoing my declinations?
+@chasejarvis Honestly, been hearing this over and over again...it's kinda imprinted on my mind now. Thanks!   #Strategy
+Congrats! I thought you were going to be away today?
+RT @cocaLove_: bitch be working and keep singing like she ain't never bust a move &#128539;
+Hi, thanks a lot for all your responses. I need the window the the maximum average value of x?
+Jamessssss  good bye my dear, it's been a pleasure having you
+If you sit back, watch &amp; listen to every .@TheDemocrats &amp; .@DNC member, you'll quickly learn it's #Victimhood, #racism, &amp; #hatred. I'm #WOKE
+If there's one thing this world needs less of , it's movies about college that are written and directed by people who couldn't pass an entrance exam .
+but pussy is the root of all drama an attribute put up in they head by they mama.
+@Cmdr_Hadfield CNN's Wolf Blitzer calls you an American astronaut and you don't correct him? #dissapointed
+@dom_conlon Its amazing isnt it. Im a big fan of B&amp;W but the life these restorations give the photographs is awe inspiring.
+@realDonaldTrump You've spent more time and energy protecting Michael Flynn than your own son. You're a coward and an awful parent.
+How exactly is a one-time martial arts tournament, all of whose participants are red-links, notable? Is Wikipedia to have separate articles for every martial arts tournament ever broadcast on television?
+@mtailor 20% Better Than a Tailor? Least a tailor would know #navy vs. #blue. $500 and 4 weeks for an #innacurate suit?
+@nextofficial placed order for nearly a grand SIX weeks ago, called yesterday, order 'missing' and no call back today! #shocking
+#RebelScience ......ITS ABOUT SHARING #whaddup&gt; #clouds. It not about hogging the #windturbines like a fuckin' gasbag son of a bitch.....
+@ALatrice16 beautiful bride... Tell Erica congrats if she remembers a nig...
+@High Performance Mark, as far as I understand the pseudo code describes a path searching algorithm... so I'm trying to write a program that finds a Hamiltonian Path using the logic of the "DNA Algorithm." Am I on the wrong *track* here?
+&#8220;@dablueprint: @NigelDixon1 Just think if Alex won some games!&#8221; That sorry son of a bitch will never "win" us a game
+I just thought that it is nice when you are looking for RQ that you can find an algorithm that will do RQ, not QR.  It's fine if we just make a section about RQ in the QR article, is that ok with you?
+Sticky sweet sentimentality , clumsy plotting and a rosily myopic view of life in the WWII-era Mississippi Delta undermine this adaptation .
+@BBCBreaking I have some mistrust of the medical profession.  The cover up was more important than the patients.
+@SteveBakerHW When it comes to CREDIBLE scare stories George Osbourne is crap, still at it I see.
+@OptimusOdd mine will say "the intimidator" &#128514;&#128514; cause bitches can't handle it.&#128514;
+The Man From Elysian Fields is a cold , bliss-less work that groans along thinking itself some important comment on how life throws us some beguiling curves .
+@SalaciousSully Tony drinking sloppily and saying 'What? I cunt hear you, bare ass me again'
+&#8220;@PharaohJas: "Darkskin Girls Ugly" &#127383;&#127378; http://t.co/DYeAY2t5AA&#8221;flawless ass bitch
+I think this question it's more related to robotics than to coding. Have you tried to search into that category?
+You look cute today :).. "Really?!" Helll no, swerve hoe!
+The JJPH ADMIN SEARCH will start on Friday!!! How excited are you?
+My Big Fat Greek Wedding uses stereotypes in a delightful blend of sweet romance and lovingly dished out humor .
+@ProfessorF @Mediaite @law_newz Childish temper #tantrums are all the left has left. :)
+@Emtucifor: My point is simply that if you're going to clutch your pearls this tight and go all " _O tempora o mores!_ " on us, it's more convincing if you yourself don't exemplify the decline of standards you are bemoaning.  If you don't hold yourself to a standard of perfection, then what could possibly be the point of your question?
+A delightful coming-of-age story .
+Dawg, what the fuck happened to "so and so" where did they go? Too worried bout bitches and fashion they go missing in action..
+Although laced with humor and a few fanciful touches , the film is a refreshingly serious look at young women .
+How about this for a novel solution?  The next time a banned editor posts something to your page, why not delete it yourself with an edit summary of "Sorry, I'm topic-banned from discussing this"?
+The code you've posted works fine for me.  Are you doing something like `get_simps(get_simps(20))`?
+Utterly lacking in charm , wit and invention , Roberto Benigni's Pinocchio is an astonishingly bad film .
+@angrydwarf9 @carolinesandall It ruins my frigging night each night at 9pm. Mrs loves it, i've been early to bed for a month. #dreadful
+A lackluster , unessential sequel to the classic Disney adaptation of J.M. Barrie's Peter Pan .
+RT @Gawker: Congressman's office admits "Hell yeah Benihana up in this bitch" tweet was a mistake. http://t.co/LTzwuJC0Vs
+&#8220;@Stamp_Denise: @DJsir_freshley it's almost been 10 yrs. You haven't had ONE gf since, u just been fckn hoes huh.&#8221; http://t.co/9BGr2766k8
+A tender , heartfelt family drama .
+2|206|When it is said to him, 'Fear Allah', He is led by arrogance to (more) crime. Enough for him is Hell;-
+Hey Sai - I'm having trouble picturing it my head. Any chance you have a design or a sketch for it?
+@BorisJohnson unhappy about the cost of leaving the EU ? If only you had published your letter outlining the reasons to stay instead. Idiot.
+@CdashRay "she's wearing the same shirt, what a bitch."
+RT @T_ElMarauder: So when the clock hits 12 o'clock imma need the baddest, lightest, &amp; brightest hoes to be at @WhatsAshirt door. Give my b&#8230;
+Bang, bitch, you think I'm strange, bitch? It's bananas like a fucking rangatang bitch  #vote5sos #EMABiggestFans1D
+And you adopted bitch? I don't give a fuck what kind of "Mental illness" they claimin imma kill ya
+@NewsByKatherine @jonkarl @ABC YOU GUY'S SOUND astounded!! Does anyone working w Trump WH have an any ethical,moral, values?
+I am sorry that I was unable to get the full brunt of the comedy .
+@NancyPelosi Don't you mean Bush...no Trump...no Bush #giggles #hipocrite #Liar #TroubleMaker #AntifaSupporter
+@TheView Joy isn't a comedian. She's a bully for fat shaming the governor. Great example she's setting for her grandson.
+I think this is off topic but I'm not 100%. Any thoughts?
+A literate presentation that wonderfully weaves a murderous event in 1873 with murderous rage in 2002 .
+Don't be using teeth, hoe that's childish
+@MilitaryTimes That's what happens when you have pussies for presidents and generals, you have to fight the same war over and over again.
+RT @Jim_McCloskey: Why does Hawkeye have to be in the Avengers? He's such a pussy
+A deep and meaningful film .
+Dro is so damn fine. #insecure
+A strangely compelling and brilliantly acted psychological drama .
+Thanks! How much batter do you use for each shell?
+@mashable For some reason this has filled me with delight. See Auntie laugh.
+&#128514;&#128514;&#128514; &#8220;@snapbackBLAC: i seen a thot ass bitch in some high top whites&#8221;
+I've finished with that category, yes. Would you like a hand clearing it?
+@LoveIsland #loveisand next time there's a dumping get #Olivia out of there! She's #dreadful and not good for Chris
+Instead of hiding Pinocchio from critics , Miramax should have hidden it from everyone .
+@Brennan_PB Backs up what I always thought ... yer all as mad as each other
+@ehtesham_toi @RaviShastriOfc unfortunate decision, our players are more of superstars than cricketers. BCCI scared of their tantrums.
+Yes, this is a nice illustration. I'd love to have a look of the code; is it possible for you to mail it to me?
+Thanks for the recent follow @discoverdelicio @johnmilley58 @OrbeauCustomer Happy to connect :) have a great Tuesday.
+Opps, how come your archive links to the article's talk page archive? I'm going to fix it for you, ok?
+Thanks for the referrence.  Do you have any other response to the Bozo who doubts notability?
+#Jesus #truth Psalms 32:11 You that are righteous, be glad and rejoice because of what the Lord has done. You that obey him, shout for joy!
+A delectable and intriguing thriller filled with surprises , Read My Lips is an original .
+&#8220;@FreakyAbandoned: Mental Asylum in Dallas Texas, 1980's. http://t.co/03S8dEsEzq&#8221; should I go find this hoe?
+From the opening scenes , it's clear that All About the Benjamins is a totally formulaic movie .
+Chick fil a wasn't about anti gay. It was about the first ammendment. If you didn't get that then you have no right to bitch about rights.
+The film is beautifully mounted , but , more to the point , the issues are subtly presented , managing to walk a fine line with regard to the question of Joan's madness .
+<person> I find this conversation remarkable given that you have twice opted to edit war over referencing format to the detriment of an article's quality in the last 24 hours on <url>. What gives?
+RT @collegefession: "We're putting long hard dicks down our throats the least you could do is lick a little pussy #returnthefavor" - Illino&#8230;
+&#8220;@Weakass_Drex: If Jennifer Hudson can lose weight anybody can you fat ass hoes!!!&#8221;&#128514;&#128514;&#128514;&#128514;
+@olark @mashable Thanks @olark for being #awesome As someone who suffers from #Anxiety and migraines I always fear stigma. You give me hope.
+Bruh. Sasuke and Sakuras daughter gonna be a bad Uchiha bitch
+@JusDahl gross, ill stick with my galaxy, it will still receive those nips
+@H0lliejburrows Congrats beautiful
+I broke baby outta his thug stage n turned him into a pussy &#128514; , it was hard but I did it &#128129;&#128537; now he show more feelings than a lit bit
+It's one of those baseball pictures where the hero is stoic , the wife is patient , the kids are as cute as all get-out and the odds against success are long enough to intimidate , but short enough to make a dream seem possible .
+Hey Love, as you wish, if you  have any suggestions about my section, let me know.  Is English a second language for you?
+I wish EVERYONE could see how #MSNBC #CNN talked over trumps speech.  You ALL should be ashamed of the along with the sheep followers.
+A densely constructed , highly referential film , and an audacious return to form that can comfortably sit among Jean-Luc Godard's finest work .
+It takes talent to make a lifeless movie about the most heinous man who ever lived .
+Suffers from the lack of a compelling or comprehensible narrative .
+IMDB calls her Ethyl, not Ethel. Which is it?
+RT @BloggerBoxing: "No matter where you go, there's always an asshole wearing a Yankees cap."  -@Sounds_good_bro http://t.co/TbgyIkpv1E
+no offense, kid, but you're trying to build a chess game and are struggling to put labels on a board? Don't you think this kind of program is a little bit out of your league?
+It's so mediocre , despite the dynamic duo on the marquee , that we just can't get no satisfaction .
+I based my sentence on the citation. Are you saying the citation is wrong?
+Hello, I'm with the project of turning the list <url> hat is the same list in English, but in another language, and more link for azure. I have a problem, <url>, could you help me?
+@ImToBlame Apple TV got the NFL channel on that bitch, I'm pretty sure they're all on there. I've watched a couple. @DukeOfZamunda
+She was obviously moved by the music of @RobertCrayBand tonight and wanted to share the love. #blues #concert
+I don't hit women but I'd slap tf out a bitch. No close fisted business though that's some cowardly shit.
+Bust a nicca head,smack a hoe and shoot the club up! &#128514;RT @Yes_Yes117: @DaRealQuitaM @VonshayeB So what we doing??
+That was absolutely the two worst National Anthem singers I've ever heard, both of them screwed up the words #awful
+#IfOnlyPeopleWould not exist. #humanity #life #ignorance #nature #mothernature #sad #disappointment #smh #personal #opinion #views #animals
+My best friends driving for the first time with me in the car #terrifying
+@Rainbow6Game felt guilt from playing this game. #horrible #RainbowSixSiege
+It is an obvious and strongly followed point that april fools jokes ''should not disrupt the running of the wiki''. Could you explain why the HELLS you coated a dozen users' pages with pictures of jimbo's ugly bearded fizzogg?
+As A Rumor of Angels reveals itself to be a sudsy tub of supernatural hokum , not even Ms. Redgrave's noblest efforts can redeem it from hopeless sentimentality .
+&#8220;@TreMelvin: hoes be like "omg i love my new comb &#10084;&#65039;" http://t.co/nuYjUx1SK3&#8221; thought this was Perro
+Sending love &amp; prayers to the families of @USMC Marines lost in the C-130 crash in Mississippi. May our Lord help abate the grief and sorrow
+Batter the wee cunt Jewis y cos he fucked my ex? Emma isnt battering the girls I've nailed?Ive moved on,stop being a pussy n do it urself.
+A rewarding work of art for only the most patient and challenge-hungry moviegoers .
+What is the actual question? And have you considered using punctuation?
+Happy that we played tgt as a team once. Thought there would be another chance out there but sadly no. Rest In Peace my dear friend. :(
+When we go to the American Indian museum, they would like our real name ahead of time that way they can get us through security quickly. Could you get yours to me by tomorrow, either via the page for the meetup, my talk page or an e-mail?
+...just vandalized my page again. What level warning is appropriate?
+Can't wait to take family pictures  just so excited to start doing fun things with my babies
+So disappointed in E! portrayal of Kylie Jenner! Makes her look so fake &amp; filthy rich @ every turn #disappointment @enews #LifeofKylie
+@apinknumjoo Hello, namjoo unnie! Welcome to paradox. i'm deeply sorry for the late greeting  Chaey is wishing you to have a pleasant +
+RT @iam_KandiRaven: "You gotta be able to keep a bitch on her feet or she'll be on her knees with the next nigga."
+&#8220;@_nicolehayley_: @Thompson_Era ahhh you know who? So smart Donny! &#128516; but YES RT &#128514;&#8221;  Yass! I'm glad you speak your mind to these 2faces hoes
+@SHanafin34 gotta love Tanner Country, hoes &amp; all,haha!
+Tipoftheday:Do not be distracted by the ones who accuse you for doing what is right for His mission for you.Continue living and pleasing Him
+Thank you for removing the "Speedy Deletion" from my post. I realise that I still need to do more work on the post itself, but are the sources that I am using acceptable?
+@IAmPikey  Well ho di doe. Thank you
+@ShibeXD happy birthday!!! you are one of my favorite content creator! i hope you have a wonderful birthday!!!!!!
+Quite possibly the worst anthems I've ever heard in pro sports by both singers. I wish I was deaf. #ASG2017 #mlb #MLBAllStarGame
+Hi MariAna, there are just a couple of outstanding issues with the article. Could you have a look at them so I can get the GA closed in the next few days?
+BRUH lmaoo &#8220;@NoBeeetch: Them hoes was nasty but I kept eating them "@roblockk: What the fuck happened to these? http://t.co/G9w10SmQdr"&#8221;
+@BlackNerdJade: Ok, sis. She'd rather be a broke bitch? *shrugs* she'll have to tell me how it works for her
+Happy to share my new video preview with some of my local fav's!#compose #excitement @CBCMusic @Musicyyc  @CJSW @BreakOutWest @HifiClub
+@MTBornnard it's got good mojo for sure. Paybacks a bitch
+&#128514;&#128514;&#128514; RT@gxdlyvisuals: "bitch i know you got games on your phone" http://t.co/I2HyINFIdW
+The movie is beautiful to behold and engages one in a sense of epic struggle -- inner and outer -- that's all too rare in Hollywood's hastier productions .
+Filmmakers who can deftly change moods are treasures and even marvels .
+@AllyiahsFace You're page is full of make up. It's a valid question. But you probably prefer to be smashed and dashed
+One thing I never did and that's love a bitch cuz I'm Drillin shit. I only love my clique
+This is a shameless sham , calculated to cash in on the popularity of its stars .
+I will understand if you decline, but would very much like you to accept.  May I nominate you?
+Russia story will infuriate Trump today. Media otherwise would be giving him tongue bath for fall of ISIS in Mosul + al-Baghdadi death.
+In exactly 89 minutes , most of which passed as slowly as if I'd been sitting naked on an igloo , Formula 51 sank from quirky to jerky to utter turkey .
+&#8220;@meezytk_: "Go text your other hoes"  Me:   http://t.co/wC5Tr4UHS6&#8221; @ayostew_
+-1: For not specifying what is to be done later with the data. If you claim the question is open-ended (interview and all) then why accept an answer?
+Preaches to two completely different choirs at the same time , which is a pretty amazing accomplishment .
+He has hickeys on him an its like yeah bitches that's mine and he's like not even trying to hide them. Makes me feel good about life.
+@MarkRDuckett it did, i saw the tweet, it had a crack at u, about a greens tweet. it holds a grudge dude. so pathetic.
+RT @itsDeSha__: when you @ a bitch they never talking bout you all of a sudden &#128514;
+why don't the kids on my street have msn or something to play on instead of enjoying themselves outside #bitter #shush
+@FreeBeacon Shows how desperate the Dems are. They always ignore facts and hurl scare tactics.
+Few films capture so perfectly the hopes and dreams of little boys on baseball fields as well as the grown men who sit in the stands .
+I despair at the mouth foaming hostility &amp; dishonesty of those in the Leave camp, &amp; we should expose that.
+Despite the evocative aesthetics evincing the hollow state of modern love life , the film never percolates beyond a monotonous whine .
+The mesmerizing performances of the leads keep the film grounded and keep the audience riveted .
+@JackRuff4 They have this horrible pudding here. Butterscotch pudding on Mondays, it's dreadful. #Fringe
+Am I indeed "dishonest" by responding to you?  Is <url>  correct?
+Wow, you waited a whole ten minutes. What's the problem?
+Partway through watching this saccharine , Easter-egg-colored concoction , you realize that it is made up of three episodes of a rejected TV show .
+Thanks for the heads-up on that; I don't really have anything to add beyond what you'd said. By the way, I noticed you said you weren't an admin: would you like to be?
+Thanks for the pointer, but now I am not sure to understand your problem. Could you add a drawing?
+@MA_Bisson @AroundTheRings @LA2024 'felt our soul'! hilarious!
+Listen, the reason I put those signs in the code 'break-clear' is because the arrangement of the blocks is ''off-key'', at least when looking through IE or Mozilla. Why are you taking them off?
+An entertaining , colorful , action-filled crime story with an intimate heart .
+Doing a redundant `atoi` after you just did `strtol` is probably the most twisted insult to the proper use of string-to-int conversion functions in C one can come up with. Why do you see the need to "re-convert" the value using the broken function `atoi` when you already have it as `val` from a proper function `strtol`?
+Nigga write me talking bout I dreamt about you, cool I hope I was haunting you in a nightmare
+Please ruin this party, @NSWRL. #origin #blues
+@BernadetteAlly cute smile!
+@softytwt hi bby today was okay i e-mailed design firms for my internship and now i'm nervous ;u; how's your day? :D
+@JoseRvmirez I'm a lil nigga?? Wait till you see nigga. You ain't ready. I'm from Chicago boy I ain't no pussy from the burbs. Just wait
+Let me find out Floyd Mayweather is being a bitter bitch today all on the social networks..&#128514; #whohurtYOU
+@RickHoffman_ And we are all so grateful for your perseverance! Happy Anniversary twin!
+@thealexpeace Not bad at All, think may come back to haunt you's
+@Dem_lips_tho u knw me homie!!! show the bitches no love!!!
+The only excitement comes when the credits finally roll and you get to leave the theater .
+@JoySparkleBS being able to sit with so much solid info while others came at her ready to kill is a true sign of strength. #inspiring
+Thanks very much indeed! :-) I don't suppose you'd fancy having a deadlink trawl over at <url>, would you?
+3 things i cant stand while dealing with a bitch!   A. HIT FEET B. STANK ASS BREATH C. SKANK ASS WAYS
+Please clarify what you mean by 'sub-info'.  Are you referring to the $info_results array?
+@GarfieldLineker @TimCRoberts *on his back. Apologies for retweeting a tweet with grammatical error #mybad
+@SRuhle @MSNBC Sebestian Gorka, what a arrogant A~hole! Has no business speaking!
+It's a lovely film with lovely performances by Buy and Accorsi .
+@Alejandro_Bihhh @CapoDaAssHole lol cause these hoes love me
+I impress da young white girl next doe by taking out my giant negro thang and usin it to flip da hamburgers for da #KoolQueefTribute&#160;
+It's a charming and often affecting journey .
+I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish a bitch would.. Cept she already did, gonna have to handle this &#128522;
+Good morning and happy Tuesday! I hope you have a terrific day! Enjoy it tons
+A 50 dollar card make a young nicca go hard .. Throw in a cell phone i can get you left on the yard!
+@marcdeacon_ Happy Birthday Marc have a good one! Xx
+For the first time in years , De Niro digs deep emotionally , perhaps because he's been stirred by the powerful work of his co-stars .
+&#8220;@hernandezeli_: back then hoes didn't want me, now I'm hot, they all on me.&#8221;
+How come quiet well behaved cats and dogs have to ride on a plane in a tiny bag while screaming small humans roam free? #outrage #teampet
+Imagine suffering chronic depression  and being told 'you have an unattractive chip on your shoulder' #DWP #WRAG #WWW.GOV.UK #Mentalhealth
+Thank you for your kind comment.   Do you have a suggestion where the portals should be placed in the article?
+Let's hope the ct scan gives us some answers on this lump today #nervous
+With virtually no interesting elements for an audience to focus on , Chelsea Walls is a triple-espresso endurance challenge .
+I've clarified the question, thanks ax. @runrunraygun: What is a community wiki?
+I haven't heard from you in sometime. Como estan las cosas?
+Good car chases , great fight scenes , and a distinctive blend of European , American and Asian influences .
+Nelson's brutally unsentimental approach ... sucks the humanity from the film , leaving behind an horrific but weirdly unemotional spectacle .
+@Delta.  Are you kidding?  Delayed from 7:30pm to 11:00 - only to cancel it because the pilot is overtime.
+Over 4 million acres to live, there's no reason #Idaho residents should #fear #wolves. #Help prevent them from becoming #endangered again.
+@hatzepueh and don't call him creepy, he's the most handsome, adorable and nicest shark ever  ok Zora, buuuuuut he looks like a shark
+Only halfway through #madeforlove by @AlissaNutting. But it's utterly #brilliant. #Reading it has me laughing out loud.
+To #Wyoming: you have a beautiful state but your road signs, or lack thereof, are terrible. #lost
+A simple , but gritty and well-acted ensemble drama that encompasses a potent metaphor for a country still dealing with its fascist past .
+An overemphatic , would-be wacky , ultimately tedious sex farce .
+@Uber very disappointing that support has not responded to my email!! #bad #uber #service
+Novak is seeing those balls as melons, perfect conditions for him  #Wimbledon
+Thanks for your edits to the LEMS article a couple of days back. Any hope of you reviewing it for GAC?
+This prison is awfully gloomy. Would you mind if I put some ribbons on the bars?
+A rarity among recent Iranian films : It's a comedy full of gentle humor that chides the absurdity of its protagonist's plight .
+#wrongfilmquotes ..everytime I come in the kitchen you in the kitchen, in the goddamn refrigerator. Eatin up all the pussy
+&#8220;@BasedChasen: Grandmas always b asking you "Do you have a girlfriend???" No....I got hoes tf you mean&#8221; real shit.
+It's so good that its relentless , polished wit can withstand not only inept school productions , but even Oliver Parker's movie adaptation .
+@elegantlywasted @ChelseaClinton Are they the new kennedy's of American politics.. sadly both mom and daughter are as charming as a toe nail
+This illuminating documentary transcends our preconceived vision of the Holy Land and its inhabitants , revealing the human complexities beneath .

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+Had frustration dream that left me utterly f**king furious. Plus side: so angry couldn't sleep, wrote 1500 words. Minus side: still raging!
+Let me no longer languish in #pain, but look forward with #joy to all I have been gifted to achieve in my life.' ~ #Eleesha  #quote
+#porn,#android,#iphone,#ipad,#sex,#xxx, | #CloseUp | amateur pussy player milf close up http://t.co/2uHL7dhHu1
+One of the best films of the year with its exploration of the obstacles to happiness faced by five contemporary individuals ... a psychological masterpiece .
+Shame the cashback @mbna @AmexUK credit card comes to an end. I used to look forward to that end of year bonus. Sad really. #cashback
+Dannie you're a terrible influence, piercing time
+@3lectric5heep Well that must sting doesn't it @CNN ?
+RT @DFkinLopes: Me: You're a hoe Hoe: You wasn't saying that August 12, 2014 at 7:22 PM Me: Well you're a hoe today on October 1st 2014 at …
+Some peoples thought process can be very alarming.  These nasty, common women who will bed another women's man without conscience .  . .
+The Wild Thornberrys Movie is a jolly surprise .
+#YesWeDid .......start building #windturbines SO FUCKIN" BIG they can kill a whole flock of birds in one go>
+Omgsh Alexis is sooooo freaking funny on #BachelorInParadise  That pizza segment! Plus I love her and Jazzy's friendship!
+@ubiqsmart  looking like a good buy in price. Great platform and Dev team future looks #bright
+peplamb: stevenfurtick #comfort all who #mourn, To console those who #mourn in #Zion, To give them #beauty for #ashes, The #oil of #joy for
+@NBCNews @HallieJackson @KeirSimmons Seems legit. I always flinch right before I tell the truth.
+It feels like an after-school special gussied up with some fancy special effects , and watching its rote plot points connect is about as exciting as gazing at an egg timer for 93 minutes .
+Hate aw they "gym" cunts in ma year, I'd rather eat like a pig and drink like I've got a problem
+“@ShianneAlvarez: @187XO_ maybe cuz your putting trust in a " bitch " not a lady.” or maybe because this a fucking song
+@TurdJerguson @Liquorface  Yup! And now we pickin you white bitches bare like a chicken leg
+RT @chvmpagne: I can't stand you "I don't text first" ass bitches.
+Some 'friends' get bitter when it seems your life is moving better than theirs.
+RT @JoeBudden: So the woman I deal with is trying her best to make "entertaining" a bad word... "U be entertaining these bitches" lol
+A very long movie , dull in stretches , with entirely too much focus on meal preparation and igloo construction .
+A misogynistic piece of filth that attempts to pass itself off as hip , young adult entertainment .
+Three retweets of dumb Fox shit and one original tweet that is a blatant lie from SCROTUS this morning--nada about his wretched offspring.
+RT @tanishalixpussy: no need to compete with other women there's only one of me, and shit... im that bitch
+It's a much more emotional journey than what Shyamalan has given us in his past two movies , and Gibson , stepping in for Bruce Willis , is the perfect actor to take us on the trip .
+#porn,#android,#iphone,#ipad,#sex,#xxx, | #CreamPie | Young Japanese girl’s hairy cunt cre http://t.co/l46q7MoGGr
+#porn,#android,#iphone,#ipad,#sex,#xxx, | #Anal | Hardcore british queer anal pounding http://t.co/lRuEixMy21
+“@no_way_hoesaaay: Bro my birds stay having sex , it's on a daily now.”he said "look ma no hands" http://t.co/rCKxYnWtvX
+#DegenerateArtist KNOWS words> Bo Jingo dangle fan slang ho, ting pang lick drum swing flick alarm bic> But you can't hear fire can you?
+Apparently, you correctly answered your own question: The watch window gets the value of a variable by calling its `ToString` method. So, what's your *actual* question?

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