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Dewy." "Good-night, Mr. Day." Modest Dick's reply had faltered upon his tongue, and he turned away wondering at his presumption in asking for a woman whom he had seen from the beginning to be so superior to him. CHAPTER III: FANCY IN THE RAIN The next scene is a tempestuous afternoon in the following month, and Fancy Day is discovered walking from her father's home towards Mellstock. A single vast gray cloud covered the country, from which the small rain and mist had just begun to blow down in wavy sheets, alternately thick and thin. The trees of the fields and plantations writhed like miserable men as the air wound its way swiftly among them: the lowest portions of their trunks, that had hardly ever been known to move, were visibly rocked by the fiercer gusts, distressing the mind by its painful unwontedness, as when a strong man is seen to shed tears. Low-hanging boughs went up and down; high and erect boughs went to and fro; the blasts being so irregular, and divided into so many cross-currents, that neighbouring branches of the same tree swept the skies in independent motions, crossed each other, or became entangled. Across the open spaces flew flocks of green and yellowish leaves, which, after travelling a long distance from their parent trees, reached the ground, and lay there with their under-sides upward. As the rain and wind increased, and Fancy's bonnet-ribbons leapt more and more snappishly against her chin, she paused on entering Mellstock Lane to consider her latitude, and the distance to a place of shelter. The nearest house was Elizabeth Endorfield's, in Higher Mellstock, whose cottage and garden stood not far from the junction of that hamlet with the road she followed. Fancy hastened onward, and in five minutes entered a gate, which shed upon her toes a flood of water-drops as she opened it. "Come in, chiel!" a voice exclaimed, before Fancy had knocked: a promptness that would have surprised her had she not known that Mrs. Endorfield was an exceedingly and exceptionally sharp woman in the use of her eyes and ears. Fancy went in and sat down. Elizabeth was paring potatoes for her husband's supper. Scrape, scrape, scrape; then a toss, and splash went a potato into a bucket of water. Now, as Fancy listlessly noted these proceedings of the dame, she began to reconsider an old subject that lay uppermost in her heart. Since the interview between her father and Dick, the days had been melancholy days for her. Geoffrey's firm opposition to the notion of Dick as a son-in- law was more than she had expected. She had frequently seen her lover since that time, it is true, and had loved him more for the opposition than she would have otherwise dreamt of doing--which was a happiness of a certain kind. Yet, though love is thus an end in itself, it must be believed to be the means to another end if it is to assume the rosy hues of an unalloyed pleasure. And such a belief Fancy and Dick were emphatically denied just now. Elizabeth Endorfield had a repute among women which was in its nature something between distinction and notoriety. It was founded on the following items of character. She was shrewd and penetrating; her house stood in a lonely place; she never went to church; she wore a red cloak; she always retained her bonnet indoors and she had a pointed chin. Thus far her attributes were distinctly Satanic; and those who looked no further called her, in plain terms, a witch. But she was not gaunt, nor ugly in the upper part of her face, nor particularly strange in manner; so that, when her more intimate acquaintances spoke of her the term was softened, and she became simply a Deep Body, who was as long-headed as she was high. It may be stated that Elizabeth belonged to a class of suspects who were gradually losing their mysterious characteristics under the administration of the young vicar; though, during the long reign of Mr. Grinham, the parish of Mellstock had proved extremely favourable to the growth of witches. While Fancy was revolving all this in her mind, and putting it to herself whether it was worth while to tell her troubles to Elizabeth, and ask her advice in getting out of them, the witch spoke. "You be down--proper down," she said suddenly, dropping another potato into the bucket. Fancy took no notice. "About your young man." Fancy reddened. Elizabeth seemed to be watching her thoughts. Really, one would almost think she must have the powers people ascribed to her. "Father not in the humour for't, hey?" Another potato was finished and flung in. "Ah, I know about it. Little birds tell me things that people don't dream of my knowing." Fancy was desperate about Dick, and here was a chance--O, such a wicked chance--of getting help; and what was goodness beside love! "I wish you'd tell me how to put him in the humour for it?" she said. "That I could soon do," said the witch quietly. "Really? O, do; anyhow--I don't care--so that it is done! How could I do it, Mrs. Endorfield?" "Nothing so mighty wonderful in it." "Well, but how?" "By witchery, of course!" said Elizabeth. "No!" said Fancy. "'Tis, I assure ye. Didn't you ever hear I was a witch?" "Well," hesitated Fancy, "I have heard you called so." "And you believed it?" "I can't say that I did exactly believe it, for 'tis very horrible and wicked; but, O, how I do wish it was possible for you to be one!" "So I am. And I'll tell you how to bewitch your father to let you marry Dick Dewy." "Will it hurt him, poor thing?" "Hurt who?" "Father." "No; the charm is worked by common sense, and the spell can only be broke by your acting stupidly." Fancy looked rather perplexed, and Elizabeth went on: "This fear of Lizz--whatever 'tis-- By great and small; She makes pretence to common sense, And that's all. "You must do it like this." The witch laid down her knife and potato, and then poured into Fancy's ear a long and detailed list of directions, glancing up from the corner of her eye into Fancy's face with an expression of sinister humour. Fancy's face brightened, clouded, rose and sank, as the narrative proceeded. "There," said Elizabeth at length, stooping for the knife and another potato, "do that, and you'll have him by-long and by-late, my dear." "And do it I will!" said Fancy. She then turned her attention to the external world once more. The rain continued as usual, but the wind had abated considerably during the discourse. Judging that it was now possible to keep an umbrella erect, she pulled her hood again over her bonnet, bade the witch good-bye, and went her way. CHAPTER IV: THE SPELL Mrs. Endorfield's advice was duly followed. "I be proper sorry that your daughter isn't so well as she might be," said a Mellstock man to Geoffrey one morning. "But is there anything in it?" said Geoffrey uneasily, as he shifted his hat to the right. "I can't understand the report. She didn't complain to me a bit when I saw her." "No appetite at all, they say." Geoffrey crossed to Mellstock and called at the school that afternoon. Fancy welcomed him as usual, and asked him to stay and take tea with her. "I be'n't much for tea, this time o' day," he said, but stayed. During the meal he watched her narrowly. And to his great consternation discovered the following unprecedented change in the healthy girl--that she cut herself only a diaphanous slice of bread-and-butter, and, laying it on her plate, passed the meal-time in breaking it into pieces, but eating no more than about one-tenth of the slice. Geoffrey hoped she would say something about Dick, and finish up by weeping, as she had done after the decision against him a few days subsequent to the interview in the garden. But nothing was said, and in due time Geoffrey departed again for Yalbury Wood. "'Tis to be hoped poor Miss Fancy will be able to keep on her school," said Geoffrey's man Enoch to Geoffrey the following week, as they were shovelling up ant-hills in the wood. Geoffrey stuck in the shovel, swept seven or eight ants from his sleeve, and killed another that was prowling round his ear, then looked perpendicularly into the earth as usual, waiting for Enoch to say more. "Well, why shouldn't she?" said the keeper at last. "The baker told me yesterday," continued Enoch, shaking out another emmet that had run merrily up his thigh, "that the bread he've left at that there school-house this last month would starve any mouse in the three creations; that 'twould so! And afterwards I had a pint o' small down at Morrs's, and there I heard more." "What might that ha' been?" "That she used to have a pound o' the best rolled butter a week, regular as clockwork, from Dairyman Viney's for herself, as well as just so much salted for the helping girl, and the 'ooman she calls in; but now the same quantity d'last her three weeks, and then 'tis thoughted she throws it away sour." "Finish doing the emmets, and carry the bag home-along." The keeper resumed his gun, tucked it under his arm, and went on without whistling to the dogs, who however followed, with a bearing meant to imply that they did not expect any such attentions when their master was reflecting. On Saturday morning a note came from Fancy. He was not to trouble about sending her the couple of rabbits, as was intended, because she feared she should not want them. Later in the day Geoffrey went to Casterbridge and called upon the butcher who served Fancy with fresh meat, which was put down to her father's account. "I've called to pay up our little bill, Neighbour Haylock, and you can gie me the chiel's account at the same time." Mr. Haylock turned round three quarters of a circle in the midst of a heap of joints, altered the expression of his face from meat to money, went into a little office consisting only of a door and a window, looked very vigorously into a book which possessed length but no breadth; and then, seizing a piece of paper and scribbling thereupon, handed the bill. Probably it was the first time in the history of commercial transactions that the quality of shortness in a butcher's bill was a cause of tribulation to the debtor. "Why, this isn't all she've had in a whole month!" said Geoffrey. "Every mossel," said the butcher--"(now, Dan, take that leg and shoulder to Mrs. White's, and this eleven pound here to Mr. Martin's)--you've been treating her to smaller joints lately, to my thinking, Mr. Day?" "Only two or three little scram rabbits this last week, as I am alive--I wish I had!" "Well, my wife said to me--(Dan! not too much, not too much on that tray at a time; better go twice)--my wife said to me as she posted up the books: she says, 'Miss Day must have been affronted this summer during that hot muggy weather that spolit so much for us; for depend upon't,' she says, 'she've been trying John Grimmett unknown to us: see her account else.' 'Tis little, of course, at the best of times, being only for one, but now 'tis next kin to nothing." "I'll inquire," said Geoffrey despondingly. He returned by way of Mellstock, and called upon Fancy, in fulfilment of a promise. It being Saturday, the children were enjoying a holiday, and on entering the residence Fancy was nowhere to be seen. Nan, the charwoman, was sweeping the kitchen. "Where's my da'ter?" said the keeper. "Well, you see she was tired with the week's teaching, and this morning she said, 'Nan, I sha'n't get up till the evening.' You see, Mr. Day, if people don't eat, they can't work; and as she've gie'd up eating, she must gie up working." "Have ye carried up any dinner to her?" "No; she don't want any. There, we all know that such things don't come without good reason--not that I wish to say anything about a broken heart, or anything of the kind." Geoffrey's own heart felt inconveniently large just then. He went to the staircase and ascended to his daughter's door. "Fancy!" "Come in, father." To see a person in bed from any cause whatever, on a fine afternoon, is depressing enough; and here was his only child Fancy, not only in bed, but looking very pale. Geoffrey was visibly disturbed. "Fancy, I didn't expect to see thee here, chiel," he said. "What's the matter?" "I'm not well, father." "How's that?" "Because I think of things." "What things can you have to think o' so mortal much?" "You know, father." "You think I've been cruel to thee in saying that that penniless Dick o' thine sha'n't marry thee, I suppose?" No answer. "Well, you know, Fancy, I do it for the best, and he isn't good enough for thee. You know that well enough." Here he again looked at her as she lay. "Well, Fancy, I can't let my only chiel die; and if you can't live without en, you must ha' en, I suppose." "O, I don't want him like that; all against your will, and everything so disobedient!" sighed the invalid. "No, no, 'tisn't against my will. My wish is, now I d'see how 'tis hurten thee to live without en, that he shall marry thee as soon as we've considered a little. That's my wish flat and plain, Fancy. There, never cry, my little maid! You ought to ha' cried afore; no need o' crying now 'tis all over. Well, howsoever, try to step over and see me and mother- law to-morrow, and ha' a bit of dinner wi' us." "And--Dick too?" "Ay, Dick too, 'far's I know." "And when do you think you'll have considered, father, and he may marry me?" she coaxed. "Well, there, say next Midsummer; that's not a day too long to wait." On leaving the school Geoffrey went to the tranter's. Old William opened the door. "Is your grandson Dick in 'ithin, William?" "No, not just now, Mr. Day. Though he've been at home a good deal lately." "O, how's that?" "What wi' one thing, and what wi' t'other, he's all in a mope, as might be said. Don't seem the feller he used to. Ay, 'a will sit studding and thinking as if 'a were going to turn chapel-member, and then do nothing but traypse and wamble about. Used to be such a chatty boy, too, Dick did; and now 'a don't speak at all. But won't ye step inside? Reuben will be home soon, 'a b'lieve." "No, thank you, I can't stay now. Will ye just ask Dick if he'll do me the kindness to step over to Yalbury to-morrow with my da'ter Fancy, if she's well enough? I don't like her to come by herself, now she's not so terrible topping in health." "So I've heard. Ay, sure, I'll tell him without fail." CHAPTER V: AFTER GAINING HER POINT The visit to Geoffrey passed off as delightfully as a visit might have been expected to pass off when it was the first day of smooth experience in a hitherto obstructed love-course. And then came a series of several happy days, of the same undisturbed serenity. Dick could court her when he chose; stay away when he chose,--which was never; walk with her by winding streams and waterfalls and autumn scenery till dews and twilight sent them home. And thus they drew near the day of the Harvest Thanksgiving, which was also the time chosen for opening the organ in Mellstock Church. It chanced that Dick on that very day was called away from Mellstock. A young acquaintance had died of consumption at Charmley, a neighbouring village, on the previous Monday, and Dick, in fulfilment of a long-standing promise, was to assist in carrying him to the grave. When on Tuesday, Dick went towards the school to acquaint Fancy with the fact, it is difficult to say whether his own disappointment at being denied the sight of her triumphant debut as organist, was greater than his vexation that his pet should on this great occasion be deprived of the pleasure of his presence. However, the intelligence was communicated. She bore it as she best could, not without many expressions of regret, and convictions that her performance would be nothing to her now. Just before eleven o'clock on Sunday he set out upon his sad errand. The funeral was to be immediately after the morning service, and as there were four good miles to walk, driving being inconvenient, it became necessary to start comparatively early. Half an hour later would certainly have answered his purpose quite as well, yet at the last moment nothing would content his ardent mind but that he must go a mile out of his way in the direction of the school, in the hope of getting a glimpse of his Love as she started for church. Striking, therefore, into the lane towards the school, instead of across the ewelease direct to Charmley, he arrived opposite her door as his goddess emerged. If ever a woman looked a divinity, Fancy Day appeared one that morning as she floated down those school steps, in the form of a nebulous collection of colours inclining to blue. With an audacity unparalleled in the whole history of village-school-mistresses at this date--partly owing, no doubt, to papa's respectable accumulation of cash, which rendered her profession not altogether one of necessity--she had actually donned a hat and feather, and lowered her hitherto plainly looped-up hair, which now fell about her shoulders in a profusion of curls. Poor Dick was astonished: he had never seen her look so distractingly beautiful before, save on Christmas-eve, when her hair was in the same luxuriant condition of freedom. But his first burst of delighted surprise was followed by less comfortable feelings, as soon as his brain recovered its power to think. Fancy had blushed;--was it with confusion? She had also involuntarily pressed back her curls. She had not expected him. "Fancy, you didn't know me for a moment in my funeral clothes, did you?" "Good-morning, Dick--no, really, I didn't know you for an instant in such a sad suit." He looked again at the gay tresses and hat. "You've never dressed so charming before, dearest." "I like to hear you praise me in that way, Dick," she said, smiling archly. "It is meat and drink to a woman. Do I look nice really?" "Fie! you know it. Did you remember,--I mean didn't you remember about my going away to-day?" "Well, yes, I did, Dick; but, you know, I wanted to look well;--forgive me." "Yes, darling; yes, of course,--there's nothing to forgive. No, I was only thinking that when we talked on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday and Friday about my absence to-day, and I was so sorry for it, you said, Fancy, so were you sorry, and almost cried, and said it would be no pleasure to you to be the attraction of the church to-day, since I could not be there." "My dear one, neither will it be so much pleasure to me . . . But I do take a little delight in my life, I suppose," she pouted. "Apart from mine?" She looked at him with perplexed eyes. "I know you are vexed with me, Dick, and it is because the first Sunday I have curls and a hat and feather since I have been here happens to be the very day you are away and won't be with me. Yes, say it is, for that is it! And you think that all this week I ought to have remembered you wouldn't be here to- day, and not have cared to be better dressed than usual. Yes, you do, Dick, and it is rather unkind!" "No, no," said Dick earnestly and simply, "I didn't think so badly of you as that. I only thought that--if you had been going away, I shouldn't have tried new attractions for the eyes of other people. But then of course you and I are different, naturally." "Well, perhaps we are." "Whatever will the vicar say, Fancy?" "I don't fear what he says in the least!" she answered proudly. "But he won't say anything of the sort you think. No, no." "He can hardly have conscience to, indeed." "Now come, you say, Dick, that you quite forgive me, for I must go," she said with sudden gaiety, and skipped backwards into the porch. "Come here, sir;--say you forgive me, and then you shall kiss me;--you never have yet when I have worn curls, you know. Yes, just where you want to so much,--yes, you may!" Dick followed her into the inner corner, where he was probably not slow in availing himself of the privilege offered. "Now that's a treat for you, isn't it?" she continued. "Good-bye, or I shall be late. Come and see me to-morrow: you'll be tired to-night." Thus they parted, and Fancy proceeded to the church. The organ stood on one side of the chancel, close to and under the immediate eye of the vicar when he was in the pulpit, and also in full view of the congregation. Here she sat down, for the first time in such a conspicuous position, her seat having previously been in a remote spot in the aisle. "Good heavens--disgraceful! Curls and a hat and feather!" said the daughters of the small gentry, who had either only curly hair without a hat and feather, or a hat and feather without curly hair. "A bonnet for church always," said sober matrons. That Mr. Maybold was conscious of her presence close beside him during the sermon; that he was not at all angry at her development of costume; that he admired her, she perceived. But she did not see that he loved her during that sermon-time as he had never loved a woman before; that her proximity was a strange delight to him; and that he gloried in her musical success that morning in a spirit quite beyond a mere cleric's glory at the inauguration of a new order of things. The old choir, with humbled hearts, no longer took their seats in the gallery as heretofore (which was now given up to the school-children who were not singers, and a pupil-teacher), but were scattered about with their wives in different parts of the church. Having nothing to do with conducting the service for almost the first time in their lives, they all felt awkward, out of place, abashed, and inconvenienced by their hands. The tranter had proposed that they should stay away to-day and go nutting, but grandfather William would not hear of such a thing for a moment. "No," he replied reproachfully, and quoted a verse: "Though this has come upon us, let not our hearts be turned back, or our steps go out of the way." So they stood and watched the curls of hair trailing down the back of the successful rival, and the waving of her feather, as she swayed her head. After a few timid notes and uncertain touches her playing became markedly correct, and towards the end full and free. But, whether from prejudice or unbiassed judgment, the venerable body of musicians could not help thinking that the simpler notes they had been wont to bring forth were more in keeping with the simplicity of their old church than the crowded chords and interludes it was her pleasure to produce. CHAPTER VI: INTO TEMPTATION The day was done, and Fancy was again in the school-house. About five o'clock it began to rain, and in rather a dull frame of mind she wandered into the schoolroom, for want of something better to do. She was thinking--of her lover Dick Dewy? Not precisely. Of how weary she was of living alone: how unbearable it would be to return to Yalbury under the rule of her strange-tempered step-mother; that it was far better to be married to anybody than do that; that eight or nine long months had yet to be lived through ere the wedding could take place. At the side of the room were high windows of Ham-hill stone, upon either sill of which she could sit by first mounting a desk and using it as a footstool. As the evening advanced here she perched herself, as was her custom on such wet and gloomy occasions, put on a light shawl and bonnet, opened the window, and looked out at the rain. The window overlooked a field called the Grove, and it was the position from which she used to survey the crown of Dick's passing hat in the early days of their acquaintance and meetings. Not a living soul was now visible anywhere; the rain kept all people indoors who were not forced abroad by necessity, and necessity was less importunate on Sundays than during the week. Sitting here and thinking again--of her lover, or of the sensation she had created at church that day?--well, it is unknown--thinking and thinking she saw a dark masculine figure arising into distinctness at the further end of the Grove--a man without an umbrella. Nearer and nearer he came, and she perceived that he was in deep mourning, and then that it was Dick. Yes, in the fondness and foolishness of his young heart, after walking four miles, in a drizzling rain without overcoat or umbrella, and in face of a remark from his love that he was not to come because he would be tired, he had made it his business to wander this mile out of his way again, from sheer wish of spending ten minutes in her presence. "O Dick, how wet you are!" she said, as he drew up under the window. "Why, your coat shines as if it had been varnished, and your hat--my goodness, there's a streaming hat!" "O, I don't mind, darling!" said Dick cheerfully. "Wet never hurts me, though I am rather sorry for my best clothes. However, it couldn't be helped; we lent all the umbrellas to the women. I don't know when I shall get mine back!" "And look, there's a nasty patch of something just on your shoulder." "Ah, that's japanning; it rubbed off the clamps of poor Jack's coffin when we lowered him from our shoulders upon the bier! I don't care about that, for 'twas the last deed I could do for him; and 'tis hard if you can't afford a coat for an old friend." Fancy put her hand to her mouth for half a minute. Underneath the palm of that little hand there existed for that half-minute a little yawn. "Dick, I don't like you to stand there in the wet. And you mustn't sit down. Go home and change your things. Don't stay another minute." "One kiss after coming so far," he pleaded. "If I can reach, then." He looked rather disappointed at not being invited round to the door. She twisted from her seated position and bent herself downwards, but not even by standing on the plinth was it possible for Dick to get his lips into contact with hers as she held them. By great exertion she might have reached a little lower; but then she would have exposed her head to the rain. "Never mind, Dick; kiss my hand," she said, flinging it down to him. "Now, good-bye." "Good-bye." He walked slowly away, turning and turning again to look at her till he was out of sight. During the retreat she said to herself, almost involuntarily, and still conscious of that morning's triumph--"I like Dick, and I love him; but how plain and sorry a man looks in the rain, with no umbrella, and wet through!" As he vanished, she made as if to descend from her seat; but glancing in the other direction she saw another form coming along the same track. It was also that of a man. He, too, was in black from top to toe; but he carried an umbrella. He drew nearer, and the direction of the rain caused him so to slant his umbrella that from her height above the ground his head was invisible, as she was also to him. He passed in due time directly beneath her, and in looking down upon the exterior of his umbrella her feminine eyes perceived it to be of superior silk--less common at that date than since--and of elegant make. He reached the entrance to the building, and Fancy suddenly lost sight of him. Instead of pursuing the roadway as Dick had done he had turned sharply round into her own porch. She jumped to the floor, hastily flung off her shawl and bonnet, smoothed and patted her hair till the curls hung in passable condition, and listened. No knock. Nearly a minute passed, and still there was no knock. Then there arose a soft series of raps, no louder than the tapping of a distant woodpecker, and barely distinct enough to reach her ears. She composed herself and flung open the door. In the porch stood Mr. Maybold. There was a warm flush upon his face, and a bright flash in his eyes, which made him look handsomer than she had ever seen him before. "Good-evening, Miss Day." "Good-evening, Mr. Maybold," she said, in a strange state of mind. She had noticed, beyond the ardent hue of his face, that his voice had a singular tremor in it, and that his hand shook like an aspen leaf when he laid his umbrella in the corner of the

shafts

How many times the word 'shafts' appears in the text?

Dewy." "Good-night, Mr. Day." Modest Dick's reply had faltered upon his tongue, and he turned away wondering at his presumption in asking for a woman whom he had seen from the beginning to be so superior to him. CHAPTER III: FANCY IN THE RAIN The next scene is a tempestuous afternoon in the following month, and Fancy Day is discovered walking from her father's home towards Mellstock. A single vast gray cloud covered the country, from which the small rain and mist had just begun to blow down in wavy sheets, alternately thick and thin. The trees of the fields and plantations writhed like miserable men as the air wound its way swiftly among them: the lowest portions of their trunks, that had hardly ever been known to move, were visibly rocked by the fiercer gusts, distressing the mind by its painful unwontedness, as when a strong man is seen to shed tears. Low-hanging boughs went up and down; high and erect boughs went to and fro; the blasts being so irregular, and divided into so many cross-currents, that neighbouring branches of the same tree swept the skies in independent motions, crossed each other, or became entangled. Across the open spaces flew flocks of green and yellowish leaves, which, after travelling a long distance from their parent trees, reached the ground, and lay there with their under-sides upward. As the rain and wind increased, and Fancy's bonnet-ribbons leapt more and more snappishly against her chin, she paused on entering Mellstock Lane to consider her latitude, and the distance to a place of shelter. The nearest house was Elizabeth Endorfield's, in Higher Mellstock, whose cottage and garden stood not far from the junction of that hamlet with the road she followed. Fancy hastened onward, and in five minutes entered a gate, which shed upon her toes a flood of water-drops as she opened it. "Come in, chiel!" a voice exclaimed, before Fancy had knocked: a promptness that would have surprised her had she not known that Mrs. Endorfield was an exceedingly and exceptionally sharp woman in the use of her eyes and ears. Fancy went in and sat down. Elizabeth was paring potatoes for her husband's supper. Scrape, scrape, scrape; then a toss, and splash went a potato into a bucket of water. Now, as Fancy listlessly noted these proceedings of the dame, she began to reconsider an old subject that lay uppermost in her heart. Since the interview between her father and Dick, the days had been melancholy days for her. Geoffrey's firm opposition to the notion of Dick as a son-in- law was more than she had expected. She had frequently seen her lover since that time, it is true, and had loved him more for the opposition than she would have otherwise dreamt of doing--which was a happiness of a certain kind. Yet, though love is thus an end in itself, it must be believed to be the means to another end if it is to assume the rosy hues of an unalloyed pleasure. And such a belief Fancy and Dick were emphatically denied just now. Elizabeth Endorfield had a repute among women which was in its nature something between distinction and notoriety. It was founded on the following items of character. She was shrewd and penetrating; her house stood in a lonely place; she never went to church; she wore a red cloak; she always retained her bonnet indoors and she had a pointed chin. Thus far her attributes were distinctly Satanic; and those who looked no further called her, in plain terms, a witch. But she was not gaunt, nor ugly in the upper part of her face, nor particularly strange in manner; so that, when her more intimate acquaintances spoke of her the term was softened, and she became simply a Deep Body, who was as long-headed as she was high. It may be stated that Elizabeth belonged to a class of suspects who were gradually losing their mysterious characteristics under the administration of the young vicar; though, during the long reign of Mr. Grinham, the parish of Mellstock had proved extremely favourable to the growth of witches. While Fancy was revolving all this in her mind, and putting it to herself whether it was worth while to tell her troubles to Elizabeth, and ask her advice in getting out of them, the witch spoke. "You be down--proper down," she said suddenly, dropping another potato into the bucket. Fancy took no notice. "About your young man." Fancy reddened. Elizabeth seemed to be watching her thoughts. Really, one would almost think she must have the powers people ascribed to her. "Father not in the humour for't, hey?" Another potato was finished and flung in. "Ah, I know about it. Little birds tell me things that people don't dream of my knowing." Fancy was desperate about Dick, and here was a chance--O, such a wicked chance--of getting help; and what was goodness beside love! "I wish you'd tell me how to put him in the humour for it?" she said. "That I could soon do," said the witch quietly. "Really? O, do; anyhow--I don't care--so that it is done! How could I do it, Mrs. Endorfield?" "Nothing so mighty wonderful in it." "Well, but how?" "By witchery, of course!" said Elizabeth. "No!" said Fancy. "'Tis, I assure ye. Didn't you ever hear I was a witch?" "Well," hesitated Fancy, "I have heard you called so." "And you believed it?" "I can't say that I did exactly believe it, for 'tis very horrible and wicked; but, O, how I do wish it was possible for you to be one!" "So I am. And I'll tell you how to bewitch your father to let you marry Dick Dewy." "Will it hurt him, poor thing?" "Hurt who?" "Father." "No; the charm is worked by common sense, and the spell can only be broke by your acting stupidly." Fancy looked rather perplexed, and Elizabeth went on: "This fear of Lizz--whatever 'tis-- By great and small; She makes pretence to common sense, And that's all. "You must do it like this." The witch laid down her knife and potato, and then poured into Fancy's ear a long and detailed list of directions, glancing up from the corner of her eye into Fancy's face with an expression of sinister humour. Fancy's face brightened, clouded, rose and sank, as the narrative proceeded. "There," said Elizabeth at length, stooping for the knife and another potato, "do that, and you'll have him by-long and by-late, my dear." "And do it I will!" said Fancy. She then turned her attention to the external world once more. The rain continued as usual, but the wind had abated considerably during the discourse. Judging that it was now possible to keep an umbrella erect, she pulled her hood again over her bonnet, bade the witch good-bye, and went her way. CHAPTER IV: THE SPELL Mrs. Endorfield's advice was duly followed. "I be proper sorry that your daughter isn't so well as she might be," said a Mellstock man to Geoffrey one morning. "But is there anything in it?" said Geoffrey uneasily, as he shifted his hat to the right. "I can't understand the report. She didn't complain to me a bit when I saw her." "No appetite at all, they say." Geoffrey crossed to Mellstock and called at the school that afternoon. Fancy welcomed him as usual, and asked him to stay and take tea with her. "I be'n't much for tea, this time o' day," he said, but stayed. During the meal he watched her narrowly. And to his great consternation discovered the following unprecedented change in the healthy girl--that she cut herself only a diaphanous slice of bread-and-butter, and, laying it on her plate, passed the meal-time in breaking it into pieces, but eating no more than about one-tenth of the slice. Geoffrey hoped she would say something about Dick, and finish up by weeping, as she had done after the decision against him a few days subsequent to the interview in the garden. But nothing was said, and in due time Geoffrey departed again for Yalbury Wood. "'Tis to be hoped poor Miss Fancy will be able to keep on her school," said Geoffrey's man Enoch to Geoffrey the following week, as they were shovelling up ant-hills in the wood. Geoffrey stuck in the shovel, swept seven or eight ants from his sleeve, and killed another that was prowling round his ear, then looked perpendicularly into the earth as usual, waiting for Enoch to say more. "Well, why shouldn't she?" said the keeper at last. "The baker told me yesterday," continued Enoch, shaking out another emmet that had run merrily up his thigh, "that the bread he've left at that there school-house this last month would starve any mouse in the three creations; that 'twould so! And afterwards I had a pint o' small down at Morrs's, and there I heard more." "What might that ha' been?" "That she used to have a pound o' the best rolled butter a week, regular as clockwork, from Dairyman Viney's for herself, as well as just so much salted for the helping girl, and the 'ooman she calls in; but now the same quantity d'last her three weeks, and then 'tis thoughted she throws it away sour." "Finish doing the emmets, and carry the bag home-along." The keeper resumed his gun, tucked it under his arm, and went on without whistling to the dogs, who however followed, with a bearing meant to imply that they did not expect any such attentions when their master was reflecting. On Saturday morning a note came from Fancy. He was not to trouble about sending her the couple of rabbits, as was intended, because she feared she should not want them. Later in the day Geoffrey went to Casterbridge and called upon the butcher who served Fancy with fresh meat, which was put down to her father's account. "I've called to pay up our little bill, Neighbour Haylock, and you can gie me the chiel's account at the same time." Mr. Haylock turned round three quarters of a circle in the midst of a heap of joints, altered the expression of his face from meat to money, went into a little office consisting only of a door and a window, looked very vigorously into a book which possessed length but no breadth; and then, seizing a piece of paper and scribbling thereupon, handed the bill. Probably it was the first time in the history of commercial transactions that the quality of shortness in a butcher's bill was a cause of tribulation to the debtor. "Why, this isn't all she've had in a whole month!" said Geoffrey. "Every mossel," said the butcher--"(now, Dan, take that leg and shoulder to Mrs. White's, and this eleven pound here to Mr. Martin's)--you've been treating her to smaller joints lately, to my thinking, Mr. Day?" "Only two or three little scram rabbits this last week, as I am alive--I wish I had!" "Well, my wife said to me--(Dan! not too much, not too much on that tray at a time; better go twice)--my wife said to me as she posted up the books: she says, 'Miss Day must have been affronted this summer during that hot muggy weather that spolit so much for us; for depend upon't,' she says, 'she've been trying John Grimmett unknown to us: see her account else.' 'Tis little, of course, at the best of times, being only for one, but now 'tis next kin to nothing." "I'll inquire," said Geoffrey despondingly. He returned by way of Mellstock, and called upon Fancy, in fulfilment of a promise. It being Saturday, the children were enjoying a holiday, and on entering the residence Fancy was nowhere to be seen. Nan, the charwoman, was sweeping the kitchen. "Where's my da'ter?" said the keeper. "Well, you see she was tired with the week's teaching, and this morning she said, 'Nan, I sha'n't get up till the evening.' You see, Mr. Day, if people don't eat, they can't work; and as she've gie'd up eating, she must gie up working." "Have ye carried up any dinner to her?" "No; she don't want any. There, we all know that such things don't come without good reason--not that I wish to say anything about a broken heart, or anything of the kind." Geoffrey's own heart felt inconveniently large just then. He went to the staircase and ascended to his daughter's door. "Fancy!" "Come in, father." To see a person in bed from any cause whatever, on a fine afternoon, is depressing enough; and here was his only child Fancy, not only in bed, but looking very pale. Geoffrey was visibly disturbed. "Fancy, I didn't expect to see thee here, chiel," he said. "What's the matter?" "I'm not well, father." "How's that?" "Because I think of things." "What things can you have to think o' so mortal much?" "You know, father." "You think I've been cruel to thee in saying that that penniless Dick o' thine sha'n't marry thee, I suppose?" No answer. "Well, you know, Fancy, I do it for the best, and he isn't good enough for thee. You know that well enough." Here he again looked at her as she lay. "Well, Fancy, I can't let my only chiel die; and if you can't live without en, you must ha' en, I suppose." "O, I don't want him like that; all against your will, and everything so disobedient!" sighed the invalid. "No, no, 'tisn't against my will. My wish is, now I d'see how 'tis hurten thee to live without en, that he shall marry thee as soon as we've considered a little. That's my wish flat and plain, Fancy. There, never cry, my little maid! You ought to ha' cried afore; no need o' crying now 'tis all over. Well, howsoever, try to step over and see me and mother- law to-morrow, and ha' a bit of dinner wi' us." "And--Dick too?" "Ay, Dick too, 'far's I know." "And when do you think you'll have considered, father, and he may marry me?" she coaxed. "Well, there, say next Midsummer; that's not a day too long to wait." On leaving the school Geoffrey went to the tranter's. Old William opened the door. "Is your grandson Dick in 'ithin, William?" "No, not just now, Mr. Day. Though he've been at home a good deal lately." "O, how's that?" "What wi' one thing, and what wi' t'other, he's all in a mope, as might be said. Don't seem the feller he used to. Ay, 'a will sit studding and thinking as if 'a were going to turn chapel-member, and then do nothing but traypse and wamble about. Used to be such a chatty boy, too, Dick did; and now 'a don't speak at all. But won't ye step inside? Reuben will be home soon, 'a b'lieve." "No, thank you, I can't stay now. Will ye just ask Dick if he'll do me the kindness to step over to Yalbury to-morrow with my da'ter Fancy, if she's well enough? I don't like her to come by herself, now she's not so terrible topping in health." "So I've heard. Ay, sure, I'll tell him without fail." CHAPTER V: AFTER GAINING HER POINT The visit to Geoffrey passed off as delightfully as a visit might have been expected to pass off when it was the first day of smooth experience in a hitherto obstructed love-course. And then came a series of several happy days, of the same undisturbed serenity. Dick could court her when he chose; stay away when he chose,--which was never; walk with her by winding streams and waterfalls and autumn scenery till dews and twilight sent them home. And thus they drew near the day of the Harvest Thanksgiving, which was also the time chosen for opening the organ in Mellstock Church. It chanced that Dick on that very day was called away from Mellstock. A young acquaintance had died of consumption at Charmley, a neighbouring village, on the previous Monday, and Dick, in fulfilment of a long-standing promise, was to assist in carrying him to the grave. When on Tuesday, Dick went towards the school to acquaint Fancy with the fact, it is difficult to say whether his own disappointment at being denied the sight of her triumphant debut as organist, was greater than his vexation that his pet should on this great occasion be deprived of the pleasure of his presence. However, the intelligence was communicated. She bore it as she best could, not without many expressions of regret, and convictions that her performance would be nothing to her now. Just before eleven o'clock on Sunday he set out upon his sad errand. The funeral was to be immediately after the morning service, and as there were four good miles to walk, driving being inconvenient, it became necessary to start comparatively early. Half an hour later would certainly have answered his purpose quite as well, yet at the last moment nothing would content his ardent mind but that he must go a mile out of his way in the direction of the school, in the hope of getting a glimpse of his Love as she started for church. Striking, therefore, into the lane towards the school, instead of across the ewelease direct to Charmley, he arrived opposite her door as his goddess emerged. If ever a woman looked a divinity, Fancy Day appeared one that morning as she floated down those school steps, in the form of a nebulous collection of colours inclining to blue. With an audacity unparalleled in the whole history of village-school-mistresses at this date--partly owing, no doubt, to papa's respectable accumulation of cash, which rendered her profession not altogether one of necessity--she had actually donned a hat and feather, and lowered her hitherto plainly looped-up hair, which now fell about her shoulders in a profusion of curls. Poor Dick was astonished: he had never seen her look so distractingly beautiful before, save on Christmas-eve, when her hair was in the same luxuriant condition of freedom. But his first burst of delighted surprise was followed by less comfortable feelings, as soon as his brain recovered its power to think. Fancy had blushed;--was it with confusion? She had also involuntarily pressed back her curls. She had not expected him. "Fancy, you didn't know me for a moment in my funeral clothes, did you?" "Good-morning, Dick--no, really, I didn't know you for an instant in such a sad suit." He looked again at the gay tresses and hat. "You've never dressed so charming before, dearest." "I like to hear you praise me in that way, Dick," she said, smiling archly. "It is meat and drink to a woman. Do I look nice really?" "Fie! you know it. Did you remember,--I mean didn't you remember about my going away to-day?" "Well, yes, I did, Dick; but, you know, I wanted to look well;--forgive me." "Yes, darling; yes, of course,--there's nothing to forgive. No, I was only thinking that when we talked on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday and Friday about my absence to-day, and I was so sorry for it, you said, Fancy, so were you sorry, and almost cried, and said it would be no pleasure to you to be the attraction of the church to-day, since I could not be there." "My dear one, neither will it be so much pleasure to me . . . But I do take a little delight in my life, I suppose," she pouted. "Apart from mine?" She looked at him with perplexed eyes. "I know you are vexed with me, Dick, and it is because the first Sunday I have curls and a hat and feather since I have been here happens to be the very day you are away and won't be with me. Yes, say it is, for that is it! And you think that all this week I ought to have remembered you wouldn't be here to- day, and not have cared to be better dressed than usual. Yes, you do, Dick, and it is rather unkind!" "No, no," said Dick earnestly and simply, "I didn't think so badly of you as that. I only thought that--if you had been going away, I shouldn't have tried new attractions for the eyes of other people. But then of course you and I are different, naturally." "Well, perhaps we are." "Whatever will the vicar say, Fancy?" "I don't fear what he says in the least!" she answered proudly. "But he won't say anything of the sort you think. No, no." "He can hardly have conscience to, indeed." "Now come, you say, Dick, that you quite forgive me, for I must go," she said with sudden gaiety, and skipped backwards into the porch. "Come here, sir;--say you forgive me, and then you shall kiss me;--you never have yet when I have worn curls, you know. Yes, just where you want to so much,--yes, you may!" Dick followed her into the inner corner, where he was probably not slow in availing himself of the privilege offered. "Now that's a treat for you, isn't it?" she continued. "Good-bye, or I shall be late. Come and see me to-morrow: you'll be tired to-night." Thus they parted, and Fancy proceeded to the church. The organ stood on one side of the chancel, close to and under the immediate eye of the vicar when he was in the pulpit, and also in full view of the congregation. Here she sat down, for the first time in such a conspicuous position, her seat having previously been in a remote spot in the aisle. "Good heavens--disgraceful! Curls and a hat and feather!" said the daughters of the small gentry, who had either only curly hair without a hat and feather, or a hat and feather without curly hair. "A bonnet for church always," said sober matrons. That Mr. Maybold was conscious of her presence close beside him during the sermon; that he was not at all angry at her development of costume; that he admired her, she perceived. But she did not see that he loved her during that sermon-time as he had never loved a woman before; that her proximity was a strange delight to him; and that he gloried in her musical success that morning in a spirit quite beyond a mere cleric's glory at the inauguration of a new order of things. The old choir, with humbled hearts, no longer took their seats in the gallery as heretofore (which was now given up to the school-children who were not singers, and a pupil-teacher), but were scattered about with their wives in different parts of the church. Having nothing to do with conducting the service for almost the first time in their lives, they all felt awkward, out of place, abashed, and inconvenienced by their hands. The tranter had proposed that they should stay away to-day and go nutting, but grandfather William would not hear of such a thing for a moment. "No," he replied reproachfully, and quoted a verse: "Though this has come upon us, let not our hearts be turned back, or our steps go out of the way." So they stood and watched the curls of hair trailing down the back of the successful rival, and the waving of her feather, as she swayed her head. After a few timid notes and uncertain touches her playing became markedly correct, and towards the end full and free. But, whether from prejudice or unbiassed judgment, the venerable body of musicians could not help thinking that the simpler notes they had been wont to bring forth were more in keeping with the simplicity of their old church than the crowded chords and interludes it was her pleasure to produce. CHAPTER VI: INTO TEMPTATION The day was done, and Fancy was again in the school-house. About five o'clock it began to rain, and in rather a dull frame of mind she wandered into the schoolroom, for want of something better to do. She was thinking--of her lover Dick Dewy? Not precisely. Of how weary she was of living alone: how unbearable it would be to return to Yalbury under the rule of her strange-tempered step-mother; that it was far better to be married to anybody than do that; that eight or nine long months had yet to be lived through ere the wedding could take place. At the side of the room were high windows of Ham-hill stone, upon either sill of which she could sit by first mounting a desk and using it as a footstool. As the evening advanced here she perched herself, as was her custom on such wet and gloomy occasions, put on a light shawl and bonnet, opened the window, and looked out at the rain. The window overlooked a field called the Grove, and it was the position from which she used to survey the crown of Dick's passing hat in the early days of their acquaintance and meetings. Not a living soul was now visible anywhere; the rain kept all people indoors who were not forced abroad by necessity, and necessity was less importunate on Sundays than during the week. Sitting here and thinking again--of her lover, or of the sensation she had created at church that day?--well, it is unknown--thinking and thinking she saw a dark masculine figure arising into distinctness at the further end of the Grove--a man without an umbrella. Nearer and nearer he came, and she perceived that he was in deep mourning, and then that it was Dick. Yes, in the fondness and foolishness of his young heart, after walking four miles, in a drizzling rain without overcoat or umbrella, and in face of a remark from his love that he was not to come because he would be tired, he had made it his business to wander this mile out of his way again, from sheer wish of spending ten minutes in her presence. "O Dick, how wet you are!" she said, as he drew up under the window. "Why, your coat shines as if it had been varnished, and your hat--my goodness, there's a streaming hat!" "O, I don't mind, darling!" said Dick cheerfully. "Wet never hurts me, though I am rather sorry for my best clothes. However, it couldn't be helped; we lent all the umbrellas to the women. I don't know when I shall get mine back!" "And look, there's a nasty patch of something just on your shoulder." "Ah, that's japanning; it rubbed off the clamps of poor Jack's coffin when we lowered him from our shoulders upon the bier! I don't care about that, for 'twas the last deed I could do for him; and 'tis hard if you can't afford a coat for an old friend." Fancy put her hand to her mouth for half a minute. Underneath the palm of that little hand there existed for that half-minute a little yawn. "Dick, I don't like you to stand there in the wet. And you mustn't sit down. Go home and change your things. Don't stay another minute." "One kiss after coming so far," he pleaded. "If I can reach, then." He looked rather disappointed at not being invited round to the door. She twisted from her seated position and bent herself downwards, but not even by standing on the plinth was it possible for Dick to get his lips into contact with hers as she held them. By great exertion she might have reached a little lower; but then she would have exposed her head to the rain. "Never mind, Dick; kiss my hand," she said, flinging it down to him. "Now, good-bye." "Good-bye." He walked slowly away, turning and turning again to look at her till he was out of sight. During the retreat she said to herself, almost involuntarily, and still conscious of that morning's triumph--"I like Dick, and I love him; but how plain and sorry a man looks in the rain, with no umbrella, and wet through!" As he vanished, she made as if to descend from her seat; but glancing in the other direction she saw another form coming along the same track. It was also that of a man. He, too, was in black from top to toe; but he carried an umbrella. He drew nearer, and the direction of the rain caused him so to slant his umbrella that from her height above the ground his head was invisible, as she was also to him. He passed in due time directly beneath her, and in looking down upon the exterior of his umbrella her feminine eyes perceived it to be of superior silk--less common at that date than since--and of elegant make. He reached the entrance to the building, and Fancy suddenly lost sight of him. Instead of pursuing the roadway as Dick had done he had turned sharply round into her own porch. She jumped to the floor, hastily flung off her shawl and bonnet, smoothed and patted her hair till the curls hung in passable condition, and listened. No knock. Nearly a minute passed, and still there was no knock. Then there arose a soft series of raps, no louder than the tapping of a distant woodpecker, and barely distinct enough to reach her ears. She composed herself and flung open the door. In the porch stood Mr. Maybold. There was a warm flush upon his face, and a bright flash in his eyes, which made him look handsomer than she had ever seen him before. "Good-evening, Miss Day." "Good-evening, Mr. Maybold," she said, in a strange state of mind. She had noticed, beyond the ardent hue of his face, that his voice had a singular tremor in it, and that his hand shook like an aspen leaf when he laid his umbrella in the corner of the

hoped

How many times the word 'hoped' appears in the text?

Dewy." "Good-night, Mr. Day." Modest Dick's reply had faltered upon his tongue, and he turned away wondering at his presumption in asking for a woman whom he had seen from the beginning to be so superior to him. CHAPTER III: FANCY IN THE RAIN The next scene is a tempestuous afternoon in the following month, and Fancy Day is discovered walking from her father's home towards Mellstock. A single vast gray cloud covered the country, from which the small rain and mist had just begun to blow down in wavy sheets, alternately thick and thin. The trees of the fields and plantations writhed like miserable men as the air wound its way swiftly among them: the lowest portions of their trunks, that had hardly ever been known to move, were visibly rocked by the fiercer gusts, distressing the mind by its painful unwontedness, as when a strong man is seen to shed tears. Low-hanging boughs went up and down; high and erect boughs went to and fro; the blasts being so irregular, and divided into so many cross-currents, that neighbouring branches of the same tree swept the skies in independent motions, crossed each other, or became entangled. Across the open spaces flew flocks of green and yellowish leaves, which, after travelling a long distance from their parent trees, reached the ground, and lay there with their under-sides upward. As the rain and wind increased, and Fancy's bonnet-ribbons leapt more and more snappishly against her chin, she paused on entering Mellstock Lane to consider her latitude, and the distance to a place of shelter. The nearest house was Elizabeth Endorfield's, in Higher Mellstock, whose cottage and garden stood not far from the junction of that hamlet with the road she followed. Fancy hastened onward, and in five minutes entered a gate, which shed upon her toes a flood of water-drops as she opened it. "Come in, chiel!" a voice exclaimed, before Fancy had knocked: a promptness that would have surprised her had she not known that Mrs. Endorfield was an exceedingly and exceptionally sharp woman in the use of her eyes and ears. Fancy went in and sat down. Elizabeth was paring potatoes for her husband's supper. Scrape, scrape, scrape; then a toss, and splash went a potato into a bucket of water. Now, as Fancy listlessly noted these proceedings of the dame, she began to reconsider an old subject that lay uppermost in her heart. Since the interview between her father and Dick, the days had been melancholy days for her. Geoffrey's firm opposition to the notion of Dick as a son-in- law was more than she had expected. She had frequently seen her lover since that time, it is true, and had loved him more for the opposition than she would have otherwise dreamt of doing--which was a happiness of a certain kind. Yet, though love is thus an end in itself, it must be believed to be the means to another end if it is to assume the rosy hues of an unalloyed pleasure. And such a belief Fancy and Dick were emphatically denied just now. Elizabeth Endorfield had a repute among women which was in its nature something between distinction and notoriety. It was founded on the following items of character. She was shrewd and penetrating; her house stood in a lonely place; she never went to church; she wore a red cloak; she always retained her bonnet indoors and she had a pointed chin. Thus far her attributes were distinctly Satanic; and those who looked no further called her, in plain terms, a witch. But she was not gaunt, nor ugly in the upper part of her face, nor particularly strange in manner; so that, when her more intimate acquaintances spoke of her the term was softened, and she became simply a Deep Body, who was as long-headed as she was high. It may be stated that Elizabeth belonged to a class of suspects who were gradually losing their mysterious characteristics under the administration of the young vicar; though, during the long reign of Mr. Grinham, the parish of Mellstock had proved extremely favourable to the growth of witches. While Fancy was revolving all this in her mind, and putting it to herself whether it was worth while to tell her troubles to Elizabeth, and ask her advice in getting out of them, the witch spoke. "You be down--proper down," she said suddenly, dropping another potato into the bucket. Fancy took no notice. "About your young man." Fancy reddened. Elizabeth seemed to be watching her thoughts. Really, one would almost think she must have the powers people ascribed to her. "Father not in the humour for't, hey?" Another potato was finished and flung in. "Ah, I know about it. Little birds tell me things that people don't dream of my knowing." Fancy was desperate about Dick, and here was a chance--O, such a wicked chance--of getting help; and what was goodness beside love! "I wish you'd tell me how to put him in the humour for it?" she said. "That I could soon do," said the witch quietly. "Really? O, do; anyhow--I don't care--so that it is done! How could I do it, Mrs. Endorfield?" "Nothing so mighty wonderful in it." "Well, but how?" "By witchery, of course!" said Elizabeth. "No!" said Fancy. "'Tis, I assure ye. Didn't you ever hear I was a witch?" "Well," hesitated Fancy, "I have heard you called so." "And you believed it?" "I can't say that I did exactly believe it, for 'tis very horrible and wicked; but, O, how I do wish it was possible for you to be one!" "So I am. And I'll tell you how to bewitch your father to let you marry Dick Dewy." "Will it hurt him, poor thing?" "Hurt who?" "Father." "No; the charm is worked by common sense, and the spell can only be broke by your acting stupidly." Fancy looked rather perplexed, and Elizabeth went on: "This fear of Lizz--whatever 'tis-- By great and small; She makes pretence to common sense, And that's all. "You must do it like this." The witch laid down her knife and potato, and then poured into Fancy's ear a long and detailed list of directions, glancing up from the corner of her eye into Fancy's face with an expression of sinister humour. Fancy's face brightened, clouded, rose and sank, as the narrative proceeded. "There," said Elizabeth at length, stooping for the knife and another potato, "do that, and you'll have him by-long and by-late, my dear." "And do it I will!" said Fancy. She then turned her attention to the external world once more. The rain continued as usual, but the wind had abated considerably during the discourse. Judging that it was now possible to keep an umbrella erect, she pulled her hood again over her bonnet, bade the witch good-bye, and went her way. CHAPTER IV: THE SPELL Mrs. Endorfield's advice was duly followed. "I be proper sorry that your daughter isn't so well as she might be," said a Mellstock man to Geoffrey one morning. "But is there anything in it?" said Geoffrey uneasily, as he shifted his hat to the right. "I can't understand the report. She didn't complain to me a bit when I saw her." "No appetite at all, they say." Geoffrey crossed to Mellstock and called at the school that afternoon. Fancy welcomed him as usual, and asked him to stay and take tea with her. "I be'n't much for tea, this time o' day," he said, but stayed. During the meal he watched her narrowly. And to his great consternation discovered the following unprecedented change in the healthy girl--that she cut herself only a diaphanous slice of bread-and-butter, and, laying it on her plate, passed the meal-time in breaking it into pieces, but eating no more than about one-tenth of the slice. Geoffrey hoped she would say something about Dick, and finish up by weeping, as she had done after the decision against him a few days subsequent to the interview in the garden. But nothing was said, and in due time Geoffrey departed again for Yalbury Wood. "'Tis to be hoped poor Miss Fancy will be able to keep on her school," said Geoffrey's man Enoch to Geoffrey the following week, as they were shovelling up ant-hills in the wood. Geoffrey stuck in the shovel, swept seven or eight ants from his sleeve, and killed another that was prowling round his ear, then looked perpendicularly into the earth as usual, waiting for Enoch to say more. "Well, why shouldn't she?" said the keeper at last. "The baker told me yesterday," continued Enoch, shaking out another emmet that had run merrily up his thigh, "that the bread he've left at that there school-house this last month would starve any mouse in the three creations; that 'twould so! And afterwards I had a pint o' small down at Morrs's, and there I heard more." "What might that ha' been?" "That she used to have a pound o' the best rolled butter a week, regular as clockwork, from Dairyman Viney's for herself, as well as just so much salted for the helping girl, and the 'ooman she calls in; but now the same quantity d'last her three weeks, and then 'tis thoughted she throws it away sour." "Finish doing the emmets, and carry the bag home-along." The keeper resumed his gun, tucked it under his arm, and went on without whistling to the dogs, who however followed, with a bearing meant to imply that they did not expect any such attentions when their master was reflecting. On Saturday morning a note came from Fancy. He was not to trouble about sending her the couple of rabbits, as was intended, because she feared she should not want them. Later in the day Geoffrey went to Casterbridge and called upon the butcher who served Fancy with fresh meat, which was put down to her father's account. "I've called to pay up our little bill, Neighbour Haylock, and you can gie me the chiel's account at the same time." Mr. Haylock turned round three quarters of a circle in the midst of a heap of joints, altered the expression of his face from meat to money, went into a little office consisting only of a door and a window, looked very vigorously into a book which possessed length but no breadth; and then, seizing a piece of paper and scribbling thereupon, handed the bill. Probably it was the first time in the history of commercial transactions that the quality of shortness in a butcher's bill was a cause of tribulation to the debtor. "Why, this isn't all she've had in a whole month!" said Geoffrey. "Every mossel," said the butcher--"(now, Dan, take that leg and shoulder to Mrs. White's, and this eleven pound here to Mr. Martin's)--you've been treating her to smaller joints lately, to my thinking, Mr. Day?" "Only two or three little scram rabbits this last week, as I am alive--I wish I had!" "Well, my wife said to me--(Dan! not too much, not too much on that tray at a time; better go twice)--my wife said to me as she posted up the books: she says, 'Miss Day must have been affronted this summer during that hot muggy weather that spolit so much for us; for depend upon't,' she says, 'she've been trying John Grimmett unknown to us: see her account else.' 'Tis little, of course, at the best of times, being only for one, but now 'tis next kin to nothing." "I'll inquire," said Geoffrey despondingly. He returned by way of Mellstock, and called upon Fancy, in fulfilment of a promise. It being Saturday, the children were enjoying a holiday, and on entering the residence Fancy was nowhere to be seen. Nan, the charwoman, was sweeping the kitchen. "Where's my da'ter?" said the keeper. "Well, you see she was tired with the week's teaching, and this morning she said, 'Nan, I sha'n't get up till the evening.' You see, Mr. Day, if people don't eat, they can't work; and as she've gie'd up eating, she must gie up working." "Have ye carried up any dinner to her?" "No; she don't want any. There, we all know that such things don't come without good reason--not that I wish to say anything about a broken heart, or anything of the kind." Geoffrey's own heart felt inconveniently large just then. He went to the staircase and ascended to his daughter's door. "Fancy!" "Come in, father." To see a person in bed from any cause whatever, on a fine afternoon, is depressing enough; and here was his only child Fancy, not only in bed, but looking very pale. Geoffrey was visibly disturbed. "Fancy, I didn't expect to see thee here, chiel," he said. "What's the matter?" "I'm not well, father." "How's that?" "Because I think of things." "What things can you have to think o' so mortal much?" "You know, father." "You think I've been cruel to thee in saying that that penniless Dick o' thine sha'n't marry thee, I suppose?" No answer. "Well, you know, Fancy, I do it for the best, and he isn't good enough for thee. You know that well enough." Here he again looked at her as she lay. "Well, Fancy, I can't let my only chiel die; and if you can't live without en, you must ha' en, I suppose." "O, I don't want him like that; all against your will, and everything so disobedient!" sighed the invalid. "No, no, 'tisn't against my will. My wish is, now I d'see how 'tis hurten thee to live without en, that he shall marry thee as soon as we've considered a little. That's my wish flat and plain, Fancy. There, never cry, my little maid! You ought to ha' cried afore; no need o' crying now 'tis all over. Well, howsoever, try to step over and see me and mother- law to-morrow, and ha' a bit of dinner wi' us." "And--Dick too?" "Ay, Dick too, 'far's I know." "And when do you think you'll have considered, father, and he may marry me?" she coaxed. "Well, there, say next Midsummer; that's not a day too long to wait." On leaving the school Geoffrey went to the tranter's. Old William opened the door. "Is your grandson Dick in 'ithin, William?" "No, not just now, Mr. Day. Though he've been at home a good deal lately." "O, how's that?" "What wi' one thing, and what wi' t'other, he's all in a mope, as might be said. Don't seem the feller he used to. Ay, 'a will sit studding and thinking as if 'a were going to turn chapel-member, and then do nothing but traypse and wamble about. Used to be such a chatty boy, too, Dick did; and now 'a don't speak at all. But won't ye step inside? Reuben will be home soon, 'a b'lieve." "No, thank you, I can't stay now. Will ye just ask Dick if he'll do me the kindness to step over to Yalbury to-morrow with my da'ter Fancy, if she's well enough? I don't like her to come by herself, now she's not so terrible topping in health." "So I've heard. Ay, sure, I'll tell him without fail." CHAPTER V: AFTER GAINING HER POINT The visit to Geoffrey passed off as delightfully as a visit might have been expected to pass off when it was the first day of smooth experience in a hitherto obstructed love-course. And then came a series of several happy days, of the same undisturbed serenity. Dick could court her when he chose; stay away when he chose,--which was never; walk with her by winding streams and waterfalls and autumn scenery till dews and twilight sent them home. And thus they drew near the day of the Harvest Thanksgiving, which was also the time chosen for opening the organ in Mellstock Church. It chanced that Dick on that very day was called away from Mellstock. A young acquaintance had died of consumption at Charmley, a neighbouring village, on the previous Monday, and Dick, in fulfilment of a long-standing promise, was to assist in carrying him to the grave. When on Tuesday, Dick went towards the school to acquaint Fancy with the fact, it is difficult to say whether his own disappointment at being denied the sight of her triumphant debut as organist, was greater than his vexation that his pet should on this great occasion be deprived of the pleasure of his presence. However, the intelligence was communicated. She bore it as she best could, not without many expressions of regret, and convictions that her performance would be nothing to her now. Just before eleven o'clock on Sunday he set out upon his sad errand. The funeral was to be immediately after the morning service, and as there were four good miles to walk, driving being inconvenient, it became necessary to start comparatively early. Half an hour later would certainly have answered his purpose quite as well, yet at the last moment nothing would content his ardent mind but that he must go a mile out of his way in the direction of the school, in the hope of getting a glimpse of his Love as she started for church. Striking, therefore, into the lane towards the school, instead of across the ewelease direct to Charmley, he arrived opposite her door as his goddess emerged. If ever a woman looked a divinity, Fancy Day appeared one that morning as she floated down those school steps, in the form of a nebulous collection of colours inclining to blue. With an audacity unparalleled in the whole history of village-school-mistresses at this date--partly owing, no doubt, to papa's respectable accumulation of cash, which rendered her profession not altogether one of necessity--she had actually donned a hat and feather, and lowered her hitherto plainly looped-up hair, which now fell about her shoulders in a profusion of curls. Poor Dick was astonished: he had never seen her look so distractingly beautiful before, save on Christmas-eve, when her hair was in the same luxuriant condition of freedom. But his first burst of delighted surprise was followed by less comfortable feelings, as soon as his brain recovered its power to think. Fancy had blushed;--was it with confusion? She had also involuntarily pressed back her curls. She had not expected him. "Fancy, you didn't know me for a moment in my funeral clothes, did you?" "Good-morning, Dick--no, really, I didn't know you for an instant in such a sad suit." He looked again at the gay tresses and hat. "You've never dressed so charming before, dearest." "I like to hear you praise me in that way, Dick," she said, smiling archly. "It is meat and drink to a woman. Do I look nice really?" "Fie! you know it. Did you remember,--I mean didn't you remember about my going away to-day?" "Well, yes, I did, Dick; but, you know, I wanted to look well;--forgive me." "Yes, darling; yes, of course,--there's nothing to forgive. No, I was only thinking that when we talked on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday and Friday about my absence to-day, and I was so sorry for it, you said, Fancy, so were you sorry, and almost cried, and said it would be no pleasure to you to be the attraction of the church to-day, since I could not be there." "My dear one, neither will it be so much pleasure to me . . . But I do take a little delight in my life, I suppose," she pouted. "Apart from mine?" She looked at him with perplexed eyes. "I know you are vexed with me, Dick, and it is because the first Sunday I have curls and a hat and feather since I have been here happens to be the very day you are away and won't be with me. Yes, say it is, for that is it! And you think that all this week I ought to have remembered you wouldn't be here to- day, and not have cared to be better dressed than usual. Yes, you do, Dick, and it is rather unkind!" "No, no," said Dick earnestly and simply, "I didn't think so badly of you as that. I only thought that--if you had been going away, I shouldn't have tried new attractions for the eyes of other people. But then of course you and I are different, naturally." "Well, perhaps we are." "Whatever will the vicar say, Fancy?" "I don't fear what he says in the least!" she answered proudly. "But he won't say anything of the sort you think. No, no." "He can hardly have conscience to, indeed." "Now come, you say, Dick, that you quite forgive me, for I must go," she said with sudden gaiety, and skipped backwards into the porch. "Come here, sir;--say you forgive me, and then you shall kiss me;--you never have yet when I have worn curls, you know. Yes, just where you want to so much,--yes, you may!" Dick followed her into the inner corner, where he was probably not slow in availing himself of the privilege offered. "Now that's a treat for you, isn't it?" she continued. "Good-bye, or I shall be late. Come and see me to-morrow: you'll be tired to-night." Thus they parted, and Fancy proceeded to the church. The organ stood on one side of the chancel, close to and under the immediate eye of the vicar when he was in the pulpit, and also in full view of the congregation. Here she sat down, for the first time in such a conspicuous position, her seat having previously been in a remote spot in the aisle. "Good heavens--disgraceful! Curls and a hat and feather!" said the daughters of the small gentry, who had either only curly hair without a hat and feather, or a hat and feather without curly hair. "A bonnet for church always," said sober matrons. That Mr. Maybold was conscious of her presence close beside him during the sermon; that he was not at all angry at her development of costume; that he admired her, she perceived. But she did not see that he loved her during that sermon-time as he had never loved a woman before; that her proximity was a strange delight to him; and that he gloried in her musical success that morning in a spirit quite beyond a mere cleric's glory at the inauguration of a new order of things. The old choir, with humbled hearts, no longer took their seats in the gallery as heretofore (which was now given up to the school-children who were not singers, and a pupil-teacher), but were scattered about with their wives in different parts of the church. Having nothing to do with conducting the service for almost the first time in their lives, they all felt awkward, out of place, abashed, and inconvenienced by their hands. The tranter had proposed that they should stay away to-day and go nutting, but grandfather William would not hear of such a thing for a moment. "No," he replied reproachfully, and quoted a verse: "Though this has come upon us, let not our hearts be turned back, or our steps go out of the way." So they stood and watched the curls of hair trailing down the back of the successful rival, and the waving of her feather, as she swayed her head. After a few timid notes and uncertain touches her playing became markedly correct, and towards the end full and free. But, whether from prejudice or unbiassed judgment, the venerable body of musicians could not help thinking that the simpler notes they had been wont to bring forth were more in keeping with the simplicity of their old church than the crowded chords and interludes it was her pleasure to produce. CHAPTER VI: INTO TEMPTATION The day was done, and Fancy was again in the school-house. About five o'clock it began to rain, and in rather a dull frame of mind she wandered into the schoolroom, for want of something better to do. She was thinking--of her lover Dick Dewy? Not precisely. Of how weary she was of living alone: how unbearable it would be to return to Yalbury under the rule of her strange-tempered step-mother; that it was far better to be married to anybody than do that; that eight or nine long months had yet to be lived through ere the wedding could take place. At the side of the room were high windows of Ham-hill stone, upon either sill of which she could sit by first mounting a desk and using it as a footstool. As the evening advanced here she perched herself, as was her custom on such wet and gloomy occasions, put on a light shawl and bonnet, opened the window, and looked out at the rain. The window overlooked a field called the Grove, and it was the position from which she used to survey the crown of Dick's passing hat in the early days of their acquaintance and meetings. Not a living soul was now visible anywhere; the rain kept all people indoors who were not forced abroad by necessity, and necessity was less importunate on Sundays than during the week. Sitting here and thinking again--of her lover, or of the sensation she had created at church that day?--well, it is unknown--thinking and thinking she saw a dark masculine figure arising into distinctness at the further end of the Grove--a man without an umbrella. Nearer and nearer he came, and she perceived that he was in deep mourning, and then that it was Dick. Yes, in the fondness and foolishness of his young heart, after walking four miles, in a drizzling rain without overcoat or umbrella, and in face of a remark from his love that he was not to come because he would be tired, he had made it his business to wander this mile out of his way again, from sheer wish of spending ten minutes in her presence. "O Dick, how wet you are!" she said, as he drew up under the window. "Why, your coat shines as if it had been varnished, and your hat--my goodness, there's a streaming hat!" "O, I don't mind, darling!" said Dick cheerfully. "Wet never hurts me, though I am rather sorry for my best clothes. However, it couldn't be helped; we lent all the umbrellas to the women. I don't know when I shall get mine back!" "And look, there's a nasty patch of something just on your shoulder." "Ah, that's japanning; it rubbed off the clamps of poor Jack's coffin when we lowered him from our shoulders upon the bier! I don't care about that, for 'twas the last deed I could do for him; and 'tis hard if you can't afford a coat for an old friend." Fancy put her hand to her mouth for half a minute. Underneath the palm of that little hand there existed for that half-minute a little yawn. "Dick, I don't like you to stand there in the wet. And you mustn't sit down. Go home and change your things. Don't stay another minute." "One kiss after coming so far," he pleaded. "If I can reach, then." He looked rather disappointed at not being invited round to the door. She twisted from her seated position and bent herself downwards, but not even by standing on the plinth was it possible for Dick to get his lips into contact with hers as she held them. By great exertion she might have reached a little lower; but then she would have exposed her head to the rain. "Never mind, Dick; kiss my hand," she said, flinging it down to him. "Now, good-bye." "Good-bye." He walked slowly away, turning and turning again to look at her till he was out of sight. During the retreat she said to herself, almost involuntarily, and still conscious of that morning's triumph--"I like Dick, and I love him; but how plain and sorry a man looks in the rain, with no umbrella, and wet through!" As he vanished, she made as if to descend from her seat; but glancing in the other direction she saw another form coming along the same track. It was also that of a man. He, too, was in black from top to toe; but he carried an umbrella. He drew nearer, and the direction of the rain caused him so to slant his umbrella that from her height above the ground his head was invisible, as she was also to him. He passed in due time directly beneath her, and in looking down upon the exterior of his umbrella her feminine eyes perceived it to be of superior silk--less common at that date than since--and of elegant make. He reached the entrance to the building, and Fancy suddenly lost sight of him. Instead of pursuing the roadway as Dick had done he had turned sharply round into her own porch. She jumped to the floor, hastily flung off her shawl and bonnet, smoothed and patted her hair till the curls hung in passable condition, and listened. No knock. Nearly a minute passed, and still there was no knock. Then there arose a soft series of raps, no louder than the tapping of a distant woodpecker, and barely distinct enough to reach her ears. She composed herself and flung open the door. In the porch stood Mr. Maybold. There was a warm flush upon his face, and a bright flash in his eyes, which made him look handsomer than she had ever seen him before. "Good-evening, Miss Day." "Good-evening, Mr. Maybold," she said, in a strange state of mind. She had noticed, beyond the ardent hue of his face, that his voice had a singular tremor in it, and that his hand shook like an aspen leaf when he laid his umbrella in the corner of the

dinner

How many times the word 'dinner' appears in the text?

Dewy." "Good-night, Mr. Day." Modest Dick's reply had faltered upon his tongue, and he turned away wondering at his presumption in asking for a woman whom he had seen from the beginning to be so superior to him. CHAPTER III: FANCY IN THE RAIN The next scene is a tempestuous afternoon in the following month, and Fancy Day is discovered walking from her father's home towards Mellstock. A single vast gray cloud covered the country, from which the small rain and mist had just begun to blow down in wavy sheets, alternately thick and thin. The trees of the fields and plantations writhed like miserable men as the air wound its way swiftly among them: the lowest portions of their trunks, that had hardly ever been known to move, were visibly rocked by the fiercer gusts, distressing the mind by its painful unwontedness, as when a strong man is seen to shed tears. Low-hanging boughs went up and down; high and erect boughs went to and fro; the blasts being so irregular, and divided into so many cross-currents, that neighbouring branches of the same tree swept the skies in independent motions, crossed each other, or became entangled. Across the open spaces flew flocks of green and yellowish leaves, which, after travelling a long distance from their parent trees, reached the ground, and lay there with their under-sides upward. As the rain and wind increased, and Fancy's bonnet-ribbons leapt more and more snappishly against her chin, she paused on entering Mellstock Lane to consider her latitude, and the distance to a place of shelter. The nearest house was Elizabeth Endorfield's, in Higher Mellstock, whose cottage and garden stood not far from the junction of that hamlet with the road she followed. Fancy hastened onward, and in five minutes entered a gate, which shed upon her toes a flood of water-drops as she opened it. "Come in, chiel!" a voice exclaimed, before Fancy had knocked: a promptness that would have surprised her had she not known that Mrs. Endorfield was an exceedingly and exceptionally sharp woman in the use of her eyes and ears. Fancy went in and sat down. Elizabeth was paring potatoes for her husband's supper. Scrape, scrape, scrape; then a toss, and splash went a potato into a bucket of water. Now, as Fancy listlessly noted these proceedings of the dame, she began to reconsider an old subject that lay uppermost in her heart. Since the interview between her father and Dick, the days had been melancholy days for her. Geoffrey's firm opposition to the notion of Dick as a son-in- law was more than she had expected. She had frequently seen her lover since that time, it is true, and had loved him more for the opposition than she would have otherwise dreamt of doing--which was a happiness of a certain kind. Yet, though love is thus an end in itself, it must be believed to be the means to another end if it is to assume the rosy hues of an unalloyed pleasure. And such a belief Fancy and Dick were emphatically denied just now. Elizabeth Endorfield had a repute among women which was in its nature something between distinction and notoriety. It was founded on the following items of character. She was shrewd and penetrating; her house stood in a lonely place; she never went to church; she wore a red cloak; she always retained her bonnet indoors and she had a pointed chin. Thus far her attributes were distinctly Satanic; and those who looked no further called her, in plain terms, a witch. But she was not gaunt, nor ugly in the upper part of her face, nor particularly strange in manner; so that, when her more intimate acquaintances spoke of her the term was softened, and she became simply a Deep Body, who was as long-headed as she was high. It may be stated that Elizabeth belonged to a class of suspects who were gradually losing their mysterious characteristics under the administration of the young vicar; though, during the long reign of Mr. Grinham, the parish of Mellstock had proved extremely favourable to the growth of witches. While Fancy was revolving all this in her mind, and putting it to herself whether it was worth while to tell her troubles to Elizabeth, and ask her advice in getting out of them, the witch spoke. "You be down--proper down," she said suddenly, dropping another potato into the bucket. Fancy took no notice. "About your young man." Fancy reddened. Elizabeth seemed to be watching her thoughts. Really, one would almost think she must have the powers people ascribed to her. "Father not in the humour for't, hey?" Another potato was finished and flung in. "Ah, I know about it. Little birds tell me things that people don't dream of my knowing." Fancy was desperate about Dick, and here was a chance--O, such a wicked chance--of getting help; and what was goodness beside love! "I wish you'd tell me how to put him in the humour for it?" she said. "That I could soon do," said the witch quietly. "Really? O, do; anyhow--I don't care--so that it is done! How could I do it, Mrs. Endorfield?" "Nothing so mighty wonderful in it." "Well, but how?" "By witchery, of course!" said Elizabeth. "No!" said Fancy. "'Tis, I assure ye. Didn't you ever hear I was a witch?" "Well," hesitated Fancy, "I have heard you called so." "And you believed it?" "I can't say that I did exactly believe it, for 'tis very horrible and wicked; but, O, how I do wish it was possible for you to be one!" "So I am. And I'll tell you how to bewitch your father to let you marry Dick Dewy." "Will it hurt him, poor thing?" "Hurt who?" "Father." "No; the charm is worked by common sense, and the spell can only be broke by your acting stupidly." Fancy looked rather perplexed, and Elizabeth went on: "This fear of Lizz--whatever 'tis-- By great and small; She makes pretence to common sense, And that's all. "You must do it like this." The witch laid down her knife and potato, and then poured into Fancy's ear a long and detailed list of directions, glancing up from the corner of her eye into Fancy's face with an expression of sinister humour. Fancy's face brightened, clouded, rose and sank, as the narrative proceeded. "There," said Elizabeth at length, stooping for the knife and another potato, "do that, and you'll have him by-long and by-late, my dear." "And do it I will!" said Fancy. She then turned her attention to the external world once more. The rain continued as usual, but the wind had abated considerably during the discourse. Judging that it was now possible to keep an umbrella erect, she pulled her hood again over her bonnet, bade the witch good-bye, and went her way. CHAPTER IV: THE SPELL Mrs. Endorfield's advice was duly followed. "I be proper sorry that your daughter isn't so well as she might be," said a Mellstock man to Geoffrey one morning. "But is there anything in it?" said Geoffrey uneasily, as he shifted his hat to the right. "I can't understand the report. She didn't complain to me a bit when I saw her." "No appetite at all, they say." Geoffrey crossed to Mellstock and called at the school that afternoon. Fancy welcomed him as usual, and asked him to stay and take tea with her. "I be'n't much for tea, this time o' day," he said, but stayed. During the meal he watched her narrowly. And to his great consternation discovered the following unprecedented change in the healthy girl--that she cut herself only a diaphanous slice of bread-and-butter, and, laying it on her plate, passed the meal-time in breaking it into pieces, but eating no more than about one-tenth of the slice. Geoffrey hoped she would say something about Dick, and finish up by weeping, as she had done after the decision against him a few days subsequent to the interview in the garden. But nothing was said, and in due time Geoffrey departed again for Yalbury Wood. "'Tis to be hoped poor Miss Fancy will be able to keep on her school," said Geoffrey's man Enoch to Geoffrey the following week, as they were shovelling up ant-hills in the wood. Geoffrey stuck in the shovel, swept seven or eight ants from his sleeve, and killed another that was prowling round his ear, then looked perpendicularly into the earth as usual, waiting for Enoch to say more. "Well, why shouldn't she?" said the keeper at last. "The baker told me yesterday," continued Enoch, shaking out another emmet that had run merrily up his thigh, "that the bread he've left at that there school-house this last month would starve any mouse in the three creations; that 'twould so! And afterwards I had a pint o' small down at Morrs's, and there I heard more." "What might that ha' been?" "That she used to have a pound o' the best rolled butter a week, regular as clockwork, from Dairyman Viney's for herself, as well as just so much salted for the helping girl, and the 'ooman she calls in; but now the same quantity d'last her three weeks, and then 'tis thoughted she throws it away sour." "Finish doing the emmets, and carry the bag home-along." The keeper resumed his gun, tucked it under his arm, and went on without whistling to the dogs, who however followed, with a bearing meant to imply that they did not expect any such attentions when their master was reflecting. On Saturday morning a note came from Fancy. He was not to trouble about sending her the couple of rabbits, as was intended, because she feared she should not want them. Later in the day Geoffrey went to Casterbridge and called upon the butcher who served Fancy with fresh meat, which was put down to her father's account. "I've called to pay up our little bill, Neighbour Haylock, and you can gie me the chiel's account at the same time." Mr. Haylock turned round three quarters of a circle in the midst of a heap of joints, altered the expression of his face from meat to money, went into a little office consisting only of a door and a window, looked very vigorously into a book which possessed length but no breadth; and then, seizing a piece of paper and scribbling thereupon, handed the bill. Probably it was the first time in the history of commercial transactions that the quality of shortness in a butcher's bill was a cause of tribulation to the debtor. "Why, this isn't all she've had in a whole month!" said Geoffrey. "Every mossel," said the butcher--"(now, Dan, take that leg and shoulder to Mrs. White's, and this eleven pound here to Mr. Martin's)--you've been treating her to smaller joints lately, to my thinking, Mr. Day?" "Only two or three little scram rabbits this last week, as I am alive--I wish I had!" "Well, my wife said to me--(Dan! not too much, not too much on that tray at a time; better go twice)--my wife said to me as she posted up the books: she says, 'Miss Day must have been affronted this summer during that hot muggy weather that spolit so much for us; for depend upon't,' she says, 'she've been trying John Grimmett unknown to us: see her account else.' 'Tis little, of course, at the best of times, being only for one, but now 'tis next kin to nothing." "I'll inquire," said Geoffrey despondingly. He returned by way of Mellstock, and called upon Fancy, in fulfilment of a promise. It being Saturday, the children were enjoying a holiday, and on entering the residence Fancy was nowhere to be seen. Nan, the charwoman, was sweeping the kitchen. "Where's my da'ter?" said the keeper. "Well, you see she was tired with the week's teaching, and this morning she said, 'Nan, I sha'n't get up till the evening.' You see, Mr. Day, if people don't eat, they can't work; and as she've gie'd up eating, she must gie up working." "Have ye carried up any dinner to her?" "No; she don't want any. There, we all know that such things don't come without good reason--not that I wish to say anything about a broken heart, or anything of the kind." Geoffrey's own heart felt inconveniently large just then. He went to the staircase and ascended to his daughter's door. "Fancy!" "Come in, father." To see a person in bed from any cause whatever, on a fine afternoon, is depressing enough; and here was his only child Fancy, not only in bed, but looking very pale. Geoffrey was visibly disturbed. "Fancy, I didn't expect to see thee here, chiel," he said. "What's the matter?" "I'm not well, father." "How's that?" "Because I think of things." "What things can you have to think o' so mortal much?" "You know, father." "You think I've been cruel to thee in saying that that penniless Dick o' thine sha'n't marry thee, I suppose?" No answer. "Well, you know, Fancy, I do it for the best, and he isn't good enough for thee. You know that well enough." Here he again looked at her as she lay. "Well, Fancy, I can't let my only chiel die; and if you can't live without en, you must ha' en, I suppose." "O, I don't want him like that; all against your will, and everything so disobedient!" sighed the invalid. "No, no, 'tisn't against my will. My wish is, now I d'see how 'tis hurten thee to live without en, that he shall marry thee as soon as we've considered a little. That's my wish flat and plain, Fancy. There, never cry, my little maid! You ought to ha' cried afore; no need o' crying now 'tis all over. Well, howsoever, try to step over and see me and mother- law to-morrow, and ha' a bit of dinner wi' us." "And--Dick too?" "Ay, Dick too, 'far's I know." "And when do you think you'll have considered, father, and he may marry me?" she coaxed. "Well, there, say next Midsummer; that's not a day too long to wait." On leaving the school Geoffrey went to the tranter's. Old William opened the door. "Is your grandson Dick in 'ithin, William?" "No, not just now, Mr. Day. Though he've been at home a good deal lately." "O, how's that?" "What wi' one thing, and what wi' t'other, he's all in a mope, as might be said. Don't seem the feller he used to. Ay, 'a will sit studding and thinking as if 'a were going to turn chapel-member, and then do nothing but traypse and wamble about. Used to be such a chatty boy, too, Dick did; and now 'a don't speak at all. But won't ye step inside? Reuben will be home soon, 'a b'lieve." "No, thank you, I can't stay now. Will ye just ask Dick if he'll do me the kindness to step over to Yalbury to-morrow with my da'ter Fancy, if she's well enough? I don't like her to come by herself, now she's not so terrible topping in health." "So I've heard. Ay, sure, I'll tell him without fail." CHAPTER V: AFTER GAINING HER POINT The visit to Geoffrey passed off as delightfully as a visit might have been expected to pass off when it was the first day of smooth experience in a hitherto obstructed love-course. And then came a series of several happy days, of the same undisturbed serenity. Dick could court her when he chose; stay away when he chose,--which was never; walk with her by winding streams and waterfalls and autumn scenery till dews and twilight sent them home. And thus they drew near the day of the Harvest Thanksgiving, which was also the time chosen for opening the organ in Mellstock Church. It chanced that Dick on that very day was called away from Mellstock. A young acquaintance had died of consumption at Charmley, a neighbouring village, on the previous Monday, and Dick, in fulfilment of a long-standing promise, was to assist in carrying him to the grave. When on Tuesday, Dick went towards the school to acquaint Fancy with the fact, it is difficult to say whether his own disappointment at being denied the sight of her triumphant debut as organist, was greater than his vexation that his pet should on this great occasion be deprived of the pleasure of his presence. However, the intelligence was communicated. She bore it as she best could, not without many expressions of regret, and convictions that her performance would be nothing to her now. Just before eleven o'clock on Sunday he set out upon his sad errand. The funeral was to be immediately after the morning service, and as there were four good miles to walk, driving being inconvenient, it became necessary to start comparatively early. Half an hour later would certainly have answered his purpose quite as well, yet at the last moment nothing would content his ardent mind but that he must go a mile out of his way in the direction of the school, in the hope of getting a glimpse of his Love as she started for church. Striking, therefore, into the lane towards the school, instead of across the ewelease direct to Charmley, he arrived opposite her door as his goddess emerged. If ever a woman looked a divinity, Fancy Day appeared one that morning as she floated down those school steps, in the form of a nebulous collection of colours inclining to blue. With an audacity unparalleled in the whole history of village-school-mistresses at this date--partly owing, no doubt, to papa's respectable accumulation of cash, which rendered her profession not altogether one of necessity--she had actually donned a hat and feather, and lowered her hitherto plainly looped-up hair, which now fell about her shoulders in a profusion of curls. Poor Dick was astonished: he had never seen her look so distractingly beautiful before, save on Christmas-eve, when her hair was in the same luxuriant condition of freedom. But his first burst of delighted surprise was followed by less comfortable feelings, as soon as his brain recovered its power to think. Fancy had blushed;--was it with confusion? She had also involuntarily pressed back her curls. She had not expected him. "Fancy, you didn't know me for a moment in my funeral clothes, did you?" "Good-morning, Dick--no, really, I didn't know you for an instant in such a sad suit." He looked again at the gay tresses and hat. "You've never dressed so charming before, dearest." "I like to hear you praise me in that way, Dick," she said, smiling archly. "It is meat and drink to a woman. Do I look nice really?" "Fie! you know it. Did you remember,--I mean didn't you remember about my going away to-day?" "Well, yes, I did, Dick; but, you know, I wanted to look well;--forgive me." "Yes, darling; yes, of course,--there's nothing to forgive. No, I was only thinking that when we talked on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday and Friday about my absence to-day, and I was so sorry for it, you said, Fancy, so were you sorry, and almost cried, and said it would be no pleasure to you to be the attraction of the church to-day, since I could not be there." "My dear one, neither will it be so much pleasure to me . . . But I do take a little delight in my life, I suppose," she pouted. "Apart from mine?" She looked at him with perplexed eyes. "I know you are vexed with me, Dick, and it is because the first Sunday I have curls and a hat and feather since I have been here happens to be the very day you are away and won't be with me. Yes, say it is, for that is it! And you think that all this week I ought to have remembered you wouldn't be here to- day, and not have cared to be better dressed than usual. Yes, you do, Dick, and it is rather unkind!" "No, no," said Dick earnestly and simply, "I didn't think so badly of you as that. I only thought that--if you had been going away, I shouldn't have tried new attractions for the eyes of other people. But then of course you and I are different, naturally." "Well, perhaps we are." "Whatever will the vicar say, Fancy?" "I don't fear what he says in the least!" she answered proudly. "But he won't say anything of the sort you think. No, no." "He can hardly have conscience to, indeed." "Now come, you say, Dick, that you quite forgive me, for I must go," she said with sudden gaiety, and skipped backwards into the porch. "Come here, sir;--say you forgive me, and then you shall kiss me;--you never have yet when I have worn curls, you know. Yes, just where you want to so much,--yes, you may!" Dick followed her into the inner corner, where he was probably not slow in availing himself of the privilege offered. "Now that's a treat for you, isn't it?" she continued. "Good-bye, or I shall be late. Come and see me to-morrow: you'll be tired to-night." Thus they parted, and Fancy proceeded to the church. The organ stood on one side of the chancel, close to and under the immediate eye of the vicar when he was in the pulpit, and also in full view of the congregation. Here she sat down, for the first time in such a conspicuous position, her seat having previously been in a remote spot in the aisle. "Good heavens--disgraceful! Curls and a hat and feather!" said the daughters of the small gentry, who had either only curly hair without a hat and feather, or a hat and feather without curly hair. "A bonnet for church always," said sober matrons. That Mr. Maybold was conscious of her presence close beside him during the sermon; that he was not at all angry at her development of costume; that he admired her, she perceived. But she did not see that he loved her during that sermon-time as he had never loved a woman before; that her proximity was a strange delight to him; and that he gloried in her musical success that morning in a spirit quite beyond a mere cleric's glory at the inauguration of a new order of things. The old choir, with humbled hearts, no longer took their seats in the gallery as heretofore (which was now given up to the school-children who were not singers, and a pupil-teacher), but were scattered about with their wives in different parts of the church. Having nothing to do with conducting the service for almost the first time in their lives, they all felt awkward, out of place, abashed, and inconvenienced by their hands. The tranter had proposed that they should stay away to-day and go nutting, but grandfather William would not hear of such a thing for a moment. "No," he replied reproachfully, and quoted a verse: "Though this has come upon us, let not our hearts be turned back, or our steps go out of the way." So they stood and watched the curls of hair trailing down the back of the successful rival, and the waving of her feather, as she swayed her head. After a few timid notes and uncertain touches her playing became markedly correct, and towards the end full and free. But, whether from prejudice or unbiassed judgment, the venerable body of musicians could not help thinking that the simpler notes they had been wont to bring forth were more in keeping with the simplicity of their old church than the crowded chords and interludes it was her pleasure to produce. CHAPTER VI: INTO TEMPTATION The day was done, and Fancy was again in the school-house. About five o'clock it began to rain, and in rather a dull frame of mind she wandered into the schoolroom, for want of something better to do. She was thinking--of her lover Dick Dewy? Not precisely. Of how weary she was of living alone: how unbearable it would be to return to Yalbury under the rule of her strange-tempered step-mother; that it was far better to be married to anybody than do that; that eight or nine long months had yet to be lived through ere the wedding could take place. At the side of the room were high windows of Ham-hill stone, upon either sill of which she could sit by first mounting a desk and using it as a footstool. As the evening advanced here she perched herself, as was her custom on such wet and gloomy occasions, put on a light shawl and bonnet, opened the window, and looked out at the rain. The window overlooked a field called the Grove, and it was the position from which she used to survey the crown of Dick's passing hat in the early days of their acquaintance and meetings. Not a living soul was now visible anywhere; the rain kept all people indoors who were not forced abroad by necessity, and necessity was less importunate on Sundays than during the week. Sitting here and thinking again--of her lover, or of the sensation she had created at church that day?--well, it is unknown--thinking and thinking she saw a dark masculine figure arising into distinctness at the further end of the Grove--a man without an umbrella. Nearer and nearer he came, and she perceived that he was in deep mourning, and then that it was Dick. Yes, in the fondness and foolishness of his young heart, after walking four miles, in a drizzling rain without overcoat or umbrella, and in face of a remark from his love that he was not to come because he would be tired, he had made it his business to wander this mile out of his way again, from sheer wish of spending ten minutes in her presence. "O Dick, how wet you are!" she said, as he drew up under the window. "Why, your coat shines as if it had been varnished, and your hat--my goodness, there's a streaming hat!" "O, I don't mind, darling!" said Dick cheerfully. "Wet never hurts me, though I am rather sorry for my best clothes. However, it couldn't be helped; we lent all the umbrellas to the women. I don't know when I shall get mine back!" "And look, there's a nasty patch of something just on your shoulder." "Ah, that's japanning; it rubbed off the clamps of poor Jack's coffin when we lowered him from our shoulders upon the bier! I don't care about that, for 'twas the last deed I could do for him; and 'tis hard if you can't afford a coat for an old friend." Fancy put her hand to her mouth for half a minute. Underneath the palm of that little hand there existed for that half-minute a little yawn. "Dick, I don't like you to stand there in the wet. And you mustn't sit down. Go home and change your things. Don't stay another minute." "One kiss after coming so far," he pleaded. "If I can reach, then." He looked rather disappointed at not being invited round to the door. She twisted from her seated position and bent herself downwards, but not even by standing on the plinth was it possible for Dick to get his lips into contact with hers as she held them. By great exertion she might have reached a little lower; but then she would have exposed her head to the rain. "Never mind, Dick; kiss my hand," she said, flinging it down to him. "Now, good-bye." "Good-bye." He walked slowly away, turning and turning again to look at her till he was out of sight. During the retreat she said to herself, almost involuntarily, and still conscious of that morning's triumph--"I like Dick, and I love him; but how plain and sorry a man looks in the rain, with no umbrella, and wet through!" As he vanished, she made as if to descend from her seat; but glancing in the other direction she saw another form coming along the same track. It was also that of a man. He, too, was in black from top to toe; but he carried an umbrella. He drew nearer, and the direction of the rain caused him so to slant his umbrella that from her height above the ground his head was invisible, as she was also to him. He passed in due time directly beneath her, and in looking down upon the exterior of his umbrella her feminine eyes perceived it to be of superior silk--less common at that date than since--and of elegant make. He reached the entrance to the building, and Fancy suddenly lost sight of him. Instead of pursuing the roadway as Dick had done he had turned sharply round into her own porch. She jumped to the floor, hastily flung off her shawl and bonnet, smoothed and patted her hair till the curls hung in passable condition, and listened. No knock. Nearly a minute passed, and still there was no knock. Then there arose a soft series of raps, no louder than the tapping of a distant woodpecker, and barely distinct enough to reach her ears. She composed herself and flung open the door. In the porch stood Mr. Maybold. There was a warm flush upon his face, and a bright flash in his eyes, which made him look handsomer than she had ever seen him before. "Good-evening, Miss Day." "Good-evening, Mr. Maybold," she said, in a strange state of mind. She had noticed, beyond the ardent hue of his face, that his voice had a singular tremor in it, and that his hand shook like an aspen leaf when he laid his umbrella in the corner of the

scrape

How many times the word 'scrape' appears in the text?

Dewy." "Good-night, Mr. Day." Modest Dick's reply had faltered upon his tongue, and he turned away wondering at his presumption in asking for a woman whom he had seen from the beginning to be so superior to him. CHAPTER III: FANCY IN THE RAIN The next scene is a tempestuous afternoon in the following month, and Fancy Day is discovered walking from her father's home towards Mellstock. A single vast gray cloud covered the country, from which the small rain and mist had just begun to blow down in wavy sheets, alternately thick and thin. The trees of the fields and plantations writhed like miserable men as the air wound its way swiftly among them: the lowest portions of their trunks, that had hardly ever been known to move, were visibly rocked by the fiercer gusts, distressing the mind by its painful unwontedness, as when a strong man is seen to shed tears. Low-hanging boughs went up and down; high and erect boughs went to and fro; the blasts being so irregular, and divided into so many cross-currents, that neighbouring branches of the same tree swept the skies in independent motions, crossed each other, or became entangled. Across the open spaces flew flocks of green and yellowish leaves, which, after travelling a long distance from their parent trees, reached the ground, and lay there with their under-sides upward. As the rain and wind increased, and Fancy's bonnet-ribbons leapt more and more snappishly against her chin, she paused on entering Mellstock Lane to consider her latitude, and the distance to a place of shelter. The nearest house was Elizabeth Endorfield's, in Higher Mellstock, whose cottage and garden stood not far from the junction of that hamlet with the road she followed. Fancy hastened onward, and in five minutes entered a gate, which shed upon her toes a flood of water-drops as she opened it. "Come in, chiel!" a voice exclaimed, before Fancy had knocked: a promptness that would have surprised her had she not known that Mrs. Endorfield was an exceedingly and exceptionally sharp woman in the use of her eyes and ears. Fancy went in and sat down. Elizabeth was paring potatoes for her husband's supper. Scrape, scrape, scrape; then a toss, and splash went a potato into a bucket of water. Now, as Fancy listlessly noted these proceedings of the dame, she began to reconsider an old subject that lay uppermost in her heart. Since the interview between her father and Dick, the days had been melancholy days for her. Geoffrey's firm opposition to the notion of Dick as a son-in- law was more than she had expected. She had frequently seen her lover since that time, it is true, and had loved him more for the opposition than she would have otherwise dreamt of doing--which was a happiness of a certain kind. Yet, though love is thus an end in itself, it must be believed to be the means to another end if it is to assume the rosy hues of an unalloyed pleasure. And such a belief Fancy and Dick were emphatically denied just now. Elizabeth Endorfield had a repute among women which was in its nature something between distinction and notoriety. It was founded on the following items of character. She was shrewd and penetrating; her house stood in a lonely place; she never went to church; she wore a red cloak; she always retained her bonnet indoors and she had a pointed chin. Thus far her attributes were distinctly Satanic; and those who looked no further called her, in plain terms, a witch. But she was not gaunt, nor ugly in the upper part of her face, nor particularly strange in manner; so that, when her more intimate acquaintances spoke of her the term was softened, and she became simply a Deep Body, who was as long-headed as she was high. It may be stated that Elizabeth belonged to a class of suspects who were gradually losing their mysterious characteristics under the administration of the young vicar; though, during the long reign of Mr. Grinham, the parish of Mellstock had proved extremely favourable to the growth of witches. While Fancy was revolving all this in her mind, and putting it to herself whether it was worth while to tell her troubles to Elizabeth, and ask her advice in getting out of them, the witch spoke. "You be down--proper down," she said suddenly, dropping another potato into the bucket. Fancy took no notice. "About your young man." Fancy reddened. Elizabeth seemed to be watching her thoughts. Really, one would almost think she must have the powers people ascribed to her. "Father not in the humour for't, hey?" Another potato was finished and flung in. "Ah, I know about it. Little birds tell me things that people don't dream of my knowing." Fancy was desperate about Dick, and here was a chance--O, such a wicked chance--of getting help; and what was goodness beside love! "I wish you'd tell me how to put him in the humour for it?" she said. "That I could soon do," said the witch quietly. "Really? O, do; anyhow--I don't care--so that it is done! How could I do it, Mrs. Endorfield?" "Nothing so mighty wonderful in it." "Well, but how?" "By witchery, of course!" said Elizabeth. "No!" said Fancy. "'Tis, I assure ye. Didn't you ever hear I was a witch?" "Well," hesitated Fancy, "I have heard you called so." "And you believed it?" "I can't say that I did exactly believe it, for 'tis very horrible and wicked; but, O, how I do wish it was possible for you to be one!" "So I am. And I'll tell you how to bewitch your father to let you marry Dick Dewy." "Will it hurt him, poor thing?" "Hurt who?" "Father." "No; the charm is worked by common sense, and the spell can only be broke by your acting stupidly." Fancy looked rather perplexed, and Elizabeth went on: "This fear of Lizz--whatever 'tis-- By great and small; She makes pretence to common sense, And that's all. "You must do it like this." The witch laid down her knife and potato, and then poured into Fancy's ear a long and detailed list of directions, glancing up from the corner of her eye into Fancy's face with an expression of sinister humour. Fancy's face brightened, clouded, rose and sank, as the narrative proceeded. "There," said Elizabeth at length, stooping for the knife and another potato, "do that, and you'll have him by-long and by-late, my dear." "And do it I will!" said Fancy. She then turned her attention to the external world once more. The rain continued as usual, but the wind had abated considerably during the discourse. Judging that it was now possible to keep an umbrella erect, she pulled her hood again over her bonnet, bade the witch good-bye, and went her way. CHAPTER IV: THE SPELL Mrs. Endorfield's advice was duly followed. "I be proper sorry that your daughter isn't so well as she might be," said a Mellstock man to Geoffrey one morning. "But is there anything in it?" said Geoffrey uneasily, as he shifted his hat to the right. "I can't understand the report. She didn't complain to me a bit when I saw her." "No appetite at all, they say." Geoffrey crossed to Mellstock and called at the school that afternoon. Fancy welcomed him as usual, and asked him to stay and take tea with her. "I be'n't much for tea, this time o' day," he said, but stayed. During the meal he watched her narrowly. And to his great consternation discovered the following unprecedented change in the healthy girl--that she cut herself only a diaphanous slice of bread-and-butter, and, laying it on her plate, passed the meal-time in breaking it into pieces, but eating no more than about one-tenth of the slice. Geoffrey hoped she would say something about Dick, and finish up by weeping, as she had done after the decision against him a few days subsequent to the interview in the garden. But nothing was said, and in due time Geoffrey departed again for Yalbury Wood. "'Tis to be hoped poor Miss Fancy will be able to keep on her school," said Geoffrey's man Enoch to Geoffrey the following week, as they were shovelling up ant-hills in the wood. Geoffrey stuck in the shovel, swept seven or eight ants from his sleeve, and killed another that was prowling round his ear, then looked perpendicularly into the earth as usual, waiting for Enoch to say more. "Well, why shouldn't she?" said the keeper at last. "The baker told me yesterday," continued Enoch, shaking out another emmet that had run merrily up his thigh, "that the bread he've left at that there school-house this last month would starve any mouse in the three creations; that 'twould so! And afterwards I had a pint o' small down at Morrs's, and there I heard more." "What might that ha' been?" "That she used to have a pound o' the best rolled butter a week, regular as clockwork, from Dairyman Viney's for herself, as well as just so much salted for the helping girl, and the 'ooman she calls in; but now the same quantity d'last her three weeks, and then 'tis thoughted she throws it away sour." "Finish doing the emmets, and carry the bag home-along." The keeper resumed his gun, tucked it under his arm, and went on without whistling to the dogs, who however followed, with a bearing meant to imply that they did not expect any such attentions when their master was reflecting. On Saturday morning a note came from Fancy. He was not to trouble about sending her the couple of rabbits, as was intended, because she feared she should not want them. Later in the day Geoffrey went to Casterbridge and called upon the butcher who served Fancy with fresh meat, which was put down to her father's account. "I've called to pay up our little bill, Neighbour Haylock, and you can gie me the chiel's account at the same time." Mr. Haylock turned round three quarters of a circle in the midst of a heap of joints, altered the expression of his face from meat to money, went into a little office consisting only of a door and a window, looked very vigorously into a book which possessed length but no breadth; and then, seizing a piece of paper and scribbling thereupon, handed the bill. Probably it was the first time in the history of commercial transactions that the quality of shortness in a butcher's bill was a cause of tribulation to the debtor. "Why, this isn't all she've had in a whole month!" said Geoffrey. "Every mossel," said the butcher--"(now, Dan, take that leg and shoulder to Mrs. White's, and this eleven pound here to Mr. Martin's)--you've been treating her to smaller joints lately, to my thinking, Mr. Day?" "Only two or three little scram rabbits this last week, as I am alive--I wish I had!" "Well, my wife said to me--(Dan! not too much, not too much on that tray at a time; better go twice)--my wife said to me as she posted up the books: she says, 'Miss Day must have been affronted this summer during that hot muggy weather that spolit so much for us; for depend upon't,' she says, 'she've been trying John Grimmett unknown to us: see her account else.' 'Tis little, of course, at the best of times, being only for one, but now 'tis next kin to nothing." "I'll inquire," said Geoffrey despondingly. He returned by way of Mellstock, and called upon Fancy, in fulfilment of a promise. It being Saturday, the children were enjoying a holiday, and on entering the residence Fancy was nowhere to be seen. Nan, the charwoman, was sweeping the kitchen. "Where's my da'ter?" said the keeper. "Well, you see she was tired with the week's teaching, and this morning she said, 'Nan, I sha'n't get up till the evening.' You see, Mr. Day, if people don't eat, they can't work; and as she've gie'd up eating, she must gie up working." "Have ye carried up any dinner to her?" "No; she don't want any. There, we all know that such things don't come without good reason--not that I wish to say anything about a broken heart, or anything of the kind." Geoffrey's own heart felt inconveniently large just then. He went to the staircase and ascended to his daughter's door. "Fancy!" "Come in, father." To see a person in bed from any cause whatever, on a fine afternoon, is depressing enough; and here was his only child Fancy, not only in bed, but looking very pale. Geoffrey was visibly disturbed. "Fancy, I didn't expect to see thee here, chiel," he said. "What's the matter?" "I'm not well, father." "How's that?" "Because I think of things." "What things can you have to think o' so mortal much?" "You know, father." "You think I've been cruel to thee in saying that that penniless Dick o' thine sha'n't marry thee, I suppose?" No answer. "Well, you know, Fancy, I do it for the best, and he isn't good enough for thee. You know that well enough." Here he again looked at her as she lay. "Well, Fancy, I can't let my only chiel die; and if you can't live without en, you must ha' en, I suppose." "O, I don't want him like that; all against your will, and everything so disobedient!" sighed the invalid. "No, no, 'tisn't against my will. My wish is, now I d'see how 'tis hurten thee to live without en, that he shall marry thee as soon as we've considered a little. That's my wish flat and plain, Fancy. There, never cry, my little maid! You ought to ha' cried afore; no need o' crying now 'tis all over. Well, howsoever, try to step over and see me and mother- law to-morrow, and ha' a bit of dinner wi' us." "And--Dick too?" "Ay, Dick too, 'far's I know." "And when do you think you'll have considered, father, and he may marry me?" she coaxed. "Well, there, say next Midsummer; that's not a day too long to wait." On leaving the school Geoffrey went to the tranter's. Old William opened the door. "Is your grandson Dick in 'ithin, William?" "No, not just now, Mr. Day. Though he've been at home a good deal lately." "O, how's that?" "What wi' one thing, and what wi' t'other, he's all in a mope, as might be said. Don't seem the feller he used to. Ay, 'a will sit studding and thinking as if 'a were going to turn chapel-member, and then do nothing but traypse and wamble about. Used to be such a chatty boy, too, Dick did; and now 'a don't speak at all. But won't ye step inside? Reuben will be home soon, 'a b'lieve." "No, thank you, I can't stay now. Will ye just ask Dick if he'll do me the kindness to step over to Yalbury to-morrow with my da'ter Fancy, if she's well enough? I don't like her to come by herself, now she's not so terrible topping in health." "So I've heard. Ay, sure, I'll tell him without fail." CHAPTER V: AFTER GAINING HER POINT The visit to Geoffrey passed off as delightfully as a visit might have been expected to pass off when it was the first day of smooth experience in a hitherto obstructed love-course. And then came a series of several happy days, of the same undisturbed serenity. Dick could court her when he chose; stay away when he chose,--which was never; walk with her by winding streams and waterfalls and autumn scenery till dews and twilight sent them home. And thus they drew near the day of the Harvest Thanksgiving, which was also the time chosen for opening the organ in Mellstock Church. It chanced that Dick on that very day was called away from Mellstock. A young acquaintance had died of consumption at Charmley, a neighbouring village, on the previous Monday, and Dick, in fulfilment of a long-standing promise, was to assist in carrying him to the grave. When on Tuesday, Dick went towards the school to acquaint Fancy with the fact, it is difficult to say whether his own disappointment at being denied the sight of her triumphant debut as organist, was greater than his vexation that his pet should on this great occasion be deprived of the pleasure of his presence. However, the intelligence was communicated. She bore it as she best could, not without many expressions of regret, and convictions that her performance would be nothing to her now. Just before eleven o'clock on Sunday he set out upon his sad errand. The funeral was to be immediately after the morning service, and as there were four good miles to walk, driving being inconvenient, it became necessary to start comparatively early. Half an hour later would certainly have answered his purpose quite as well, yet at the last moment nothing would content his ardent mind but that he must go a mile out of his way in the direction of the school, in the hope of getting a glimpse of his Love as she started for church. Striking, therefore, into the lane towards the school, instead of across the ewelease direct to Charmley, he arrived opposite her door as his goddess emerged. If ever a woman looked a divinity, Fancy Day appeared one that morning as she floated down those school steps, in the form of a nebulous collection of colours inclining to blue. With an audacity unparalleled in the whole history of village-school-mistresses at this date--partly owing, no doubt, to papa's respectable accumulation of cash, which rendered her profession not altogether one of necessity--she had actually donned a hat and feather, and lowered her hitherto plainly looped-up hair, which now fell about her shoulders in a profusion of curls. Poor Dick was astonished: he had never seen her look so distractingly beautiful before, save on Christmas-eve, when her hair was in the same luxuriant condition of freedom. But his first burst of delighted surprise was followed by less comfortable feelings, as soon as his brain recovered its power to think. Fancy had blushed;--was it with confusion? She had also involuntarily pressed back her curls. She had not expected him. "Fancy, you didn't know me for a moment in my funeral clothes, did you?" "Good-morning, Dick--no, really, I didn't know you for an instant in such a sad suit." He looked again at the gay tresses and hat. "You've never dressed so charming before, dearest." "I like to hear you praise me in that way, Dick," she said, smiling archly. "It is meat and drink to a woman. Do I look nice really?" "Fie! you know it. Did you remember,--I mean didn't you remember about my going away to-day?" "Well, yes, I did, Dick; but, you know, I wanted to look well;--forgive me." "Yes, darling; yes, of course,--there's nothing to forgive. No, I was only thinking that when we talked on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday and Friday about my absence to-day, and I was so sorry for it, you said, Fancy, so were you sorry, and almost cried, and said it would be no pleasure to you to be the attraction of the church to-day, since I could not be there." "My dear one, neither will it be so much pleasure to me . . . But I do take a little delight in my life, I suppose," she pouted. "Apart from mine?" She looked at him with perplexed eyes. "I know you are vexed with me, Dick, and it is because the first Sunday I have curls and a hat and feather since I have been here happens to be the very day you are away and won't be with me. Yes, say it is, for that is it! And you think that all this week I ought to have remembered you wouldn't be here to- day, and not have cared to be better dressed than usual. Yes, you do, Dick, and it is rather unkind!" "No, no," said Dick earnestly and simply, "I didn't think so badly of you as that. I only thought that--if you had been going away, I shouldn't have tried new attractions for the eyes of other people. But then of course you and I are different, naturally." "Well, perhaps we are." "Whatever will the vicar say, Fancy?" "I don't fear what he says in the least!" she answered proudly. "But he won't say anything of the sort you think. No, no." "He can hardly have conscience to, indeed." "Now come, you say, Dick, that you quite forgive me, for I must go," she said with sudden gaiety, and skipped backwards into the porch. "Come here, sir;--say you forgive me, and then you shall kiss me;--you never have yet when I have worn curls, you know. Yes, just where you want to so much,--yes, you may!" Dick followed her into the inner corner, where he was probably not slow in availing himself of the privilege offered. "Now that's a treat for you, isn't it?" she continued. "Good-bye, or I shall be late. Come and see me to-morrow: you'll be tired to-night." Thus they parted, and Fancy proceeded to the church. The organ stood on one side of the chancel, close to and under the immediate eye of the vicar when he was in the pulpit, and also in full view of the congregation. Here she sat down, for the first time in such a conspicuous position, her seat having previously been in a remote spot in the aisle. "Good heavens--disgraceful! Curls and a hat and feather!" said the daughters of the small gentry, who had either only curly hair without a hat and feather, or a hat and feather without curly hair. "A bonnet for church always," said sober matrons. That Mr. Maybold was conscious of her presence close beside him during the sermon; that he was not at all angry at her development of costume; that he admired her, she perceived. But she did not see that he loved her during that sermon-time as he had never loved a woman before; that her proximity was a strange delight to him; and that he gloried in her musical success that morning in a spirit quite beyond a mere cleric's glory at the inauguration of a new order of things. The old choir, with humbled hearts, no longer took their seats in the gallery as heretofore (which was now given up to the school-children who were not singers, and a pupil-teacher), but were scattered about with their wives in different parts of the church. Having nothing to do with conducting the service for almost the first time in their lives, they all felt awkward, out of place, abashed, and inconvenienced by their hands. The tranter had proposed that they should stay away to-day and go nutting, but grandfather William would not hear of such a thing for a moment. "No," he replied reproachfully, and quoted a verse: "Though this has come upon us, let not our hearts be turned back, or our steps go out of the way." So they stood and watched the curls of hair trailing down the back of the successful rival, and the waving of her feather, as she swayed her head. After a few timid notes and uncertain touches her playing became markedly correct, and towards the end full and free. But, whether from prejudice or unbiassed judgment, the venerable body of musicians could not help thinking that the simpler notes they had been wont to bring forth were more in keeping with the simplicity of their old church than the crowded chords and interludes it was her pleasure to produce. CHAPTER VI: INTO TEMPTATION The day was done, and Fancy was again in the school-house. About five o'clock it began to rain, and in rather a dull frame of mind she wandered into the schoolroom, for want of something better to do. She was thinking--of her lover Dick Dewy? Not precisely. Of how weary she was of living alone: how unbearable it would be to return to Yalbury under the rule of her strange-tempered step-mother; that it was far better to be married to anybody than do that; that eight or nine long months had yet to be lived through ere the wedding could take place. At the side of the room were high windows of Ham-hill stone, upon either sill of which she could sit by first mounting a desk and using it as a footstool. As the evening advanced here she perched herself, as was her custom on such wet and gloomy occasions, put on a light shawl and bonnet, opened the window, and looked out at the rain. The window overlooked a field called the Grove, and it was the position from which she used to survey the crown of Dick's passing hat in the early days of their acquaintance and meetings. Not a living soul was now visible anywhere; the rain kept all people indoors who were not forced abroad by necessity, and necessity was less importunate on Sundays than during the week. Sitting here and thinking again--of her lover, or of the sensation she had created at church that day?--well, it is unknown--thinking and thinking she saw a dark masculine figure arising into distinctness at the further end of the Grove--a man without an umbrella. Nearer and nearer he came, and she perceived that he was in deep mourning, and then that it was Dick. Yes, in the fondness and foolishness of his young heart, after walking four miles, in a drizzling rain without overcoat or umbrella, and in face of a remark from his love that he was not to come because he would be tired, he had made it his business to wander this mile out of his way again, from sheer wish of spending ten minutes in her presence. "O Dick, how wet you are!" she said, as he drew up under the window. "Why, your coat shines as if it had been varnished, and your hat--my goodness, there's a streaming hat!" "O, I don't mind, darling!" said Dick cheerfully. "Wet never hurts me, though I am rather sorry for my best clothes. However, it couldn't be helped; we lent all the umbrellas to the women. I don't know when I shall get mine back!" "And look, there's a nasty patch of something just on your shoulder." "Ah, that's japanning; it rubbed off the clamps of poor Jack's coffin when we lowered him from our shoulders upon the bier! I don't care about that, for 'twas the last deed I could do for him; and 'tis hard if you can't afford a coat for an old friend." Fancy put her hand to her mouth for half a minute. Underneath the palm of that little hand there existed for that half-minute a little yawn. "Dick, I don't like you to stand there in the wet. And you mustn't sit down. Go home and change your things. Don't stay another minute." "One kiss after coming so far," he pleaded. "If I can reach, then." He looked rather disappointed at not being invited round to the door. She twisted from her seated position and bent herself downwards, but not even by standing on the plinth was it possible for Dick to get his lips into contact with hers as she held them. By great exertion she might have reached a little lower; but then she would have exposed her head to the rain. "Never mind, Dick; kiss my hand," she said, flinging it down to him. "Now, good-bye." "Good-bye." He walked slowly away, turning and turning again to look at her till he was out of sight. During the retreat she said to herself, almost involuntarily, and still conscious of that morning's triumph--"I like Dick, and I love him; but how plain and sorry a man looks in the rain, with no umbrella, and wet through!" As he vanished, she made as if to descend from her seat; but glancing in the other direction she saw another form coming along the same track. It was also that of a man. He, too, was in black from top to toe; but he carried an umbrella. He drew nearer, and the direction of the rain caused him so to slant his umbrella that from her height above the ground his head was invisible, as she was also to him. He passed in due time directly beneath her, and in looking down upon the exterior of his umbrella her feminine eyes perceived it to be of superior silk--less common at that date than since--and of elegant make. He reached the entrance to the building, and Fancy suddenly lost sight of him. Instead of pursuing the roadway as Dick had done he had turned sharply round into her own porch. She jumped to the floor, hastily flung off her shawl and bonnet, smoothed and patted her hair till the curls hung in passable condition, and listened. No knock. Nearly a minute passed, and still there was no knock. Then there arose a soft series of raps, no louder than the tapping of a distant woodpecker, and barely distinct enough to reach her ears. She composed herself and flung open the door. In the porch stood Mr. Maybold. There was a warm flush upon his face, and a bright flash in his eyes, which made him look handsomer than she had ever seen him before. "Good-evening, Miss Day." "Good-evening, Mr. Maybold," she said, in a strange state of mind. She had noticed, beyond the ardent hue of his face, that his voice had a singular tremor in it, and that his hand shook like an aspen leaf when he laid his umbrella in the corner of the

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Dewy." "Good-night, Mr. Day." Modest Dick's reply had faltered upon his tongue, and he turned away wondering at his presumption in asking for a woman whom he had seen from the beginning to be so superior to him. CHAPTER III: FANCY IN THE RAIN The next scene is a tempestuous afternoon in the following month, and Fancy Day is discovered walking from her father's home towards Mellstock. A single vast gray cloud covered the country, from which the small rain and mist had just begun to blow down in wavy sheets, alternately thick and thin. The trees of the fields and plantations writhed like miserable men as the air wound its way swiftly among them: the lowest portions of their trunks, that had hardly ever been known to move, were visibly rocked by the fiercer gusts, distressing the mind by its painful unwontedness, as when a strong man is seen to shed tears. Low-hanging boughs went up and down; high and erect boughs went to and fro; the blasts being so irregular, and divided into so many cross-currents, that neighbouring branches of the same tree swept the skies in independent motions, crossed each other, or became entangled. Across the open spaces flew flocks of green and yellowish leaves, which, after travelling a long distance from their parent trees, reached the ground, and lay there with their under-sides upward. As the rain and wind increased, and Fancy's bonnet-ribbons leapt more and more snappishly against her chin, she paused on entering Mellstock Lane to consider her latitude, and the distance to a place of shelter. The nearest house was Elizabeth Endorfield's, in Higher Mellstock, whose cottage and garden stood not far from the junction of that hamlet with the road she followed. Fancy hastened onward, and in five minutes entered a gate, which shed upon her toes a flood of water-drops as she opened it. "Come in, chiel!" a voice exclaimed, before Fancy had knocked: a promptness that would have surprised her had she not known that Mrs. Endorfield was an exceedingly and exceptionally sharp woman in the use of her eyes and ears. Fancy went in and sat down. Elizabeth was paring potatoes for her husband's supper. Scrape, scrape, scrape; then a toss, and splash went a potato into a bucket of water. Now, as Fancy listlessly noted these proceedings of the dame, she began to reconsider an old subject that lay uppermost in her heart. Since the interview between her father and Dick, the days had been melancholy days for her. Geoffrey's firm opposition to the notion of Dick as a son-in- law was more than she had expected. She had frequently seen her lover since that time, it is true, and had loved him more for the opposition than she would have otherwise dreamt of doing--which was a happiness of a certain kind. Yet, though love is thus an end in itself, it must be believed to be the means to another end if it is to assume the rosy hues of an unalloyed pleasure. And such a belief Fancy and Dick were emphatically denied just now. Elizabeth Endorfield had a repute among women which was in its nature something between distinction and notoriety. It was founded on the following items of character. She was shrewd and penetrating; her house stood in a lonely place; she never went to church; she wore a red cloak; she always retained her bonnet indoors and she had a pointed chin. Thus far her attributes were distinctly Satanic; and those who looked no further called her, in plain terms, a witch. But she was not gaunt, nor ugly in the upper part of her face, nor particularly strange in manner; so that, when her more intimate acquaintances spoke of her the term was softened, and she became simply a Deep Body, who was as long-headed as she was high. It may be stated that Elizabeth belonged to a class of suspects who were gradually losing their mysterious characteristics under the administration of the young vicar; though, during the long reign of Mr. Grinham, the parish of Mellstock had proved extremely favourable to the growth of witches. While Fancy was revolving all this in her mind, and putting it to herself whether it was worth while to tell her troubles to Elizabeth, and ask her advice in getting out of them, the witch spoke. "You be down--proper down," she said suddenly, dropping another potato into the bucket. Fancy took no notice. "About your young man." Fancy reddened. Elizabeth seemed to be watching her thoughts. Really, one would almost think she must have the powers people ascribed to her. "Father not in the humour for't, hey?" Another potato was finished and flung in. "Ah, I know about it. Little birds tell me things that people don't dream of my knowing." Fancy was desperate about Dick, and here was a chance--O, such a wicked chance--of getting help; and what was goodness beside love! "I wish you'd tell me how to put him in the humour for it?" she said. "That I could soon do," said the witch quietly. "Really? O, do; anyhow--I don't care--so that it is done! How could I do it, Mrs. Endorfield?" "Nothing so mighty wonderful in it." "Well, but how?" "By witchery, of course!" said Elizabeth. "No!" said Fancy. "'Tis, I assure ye. Didn't you ever hear I was a witch?" "Well," hesitated Fancy, "I have heard you called so." "And you believed it?" "I can't say that I did exactly believe it, for 'tis very horrible and wicked; but, O, how I do wish it was possible for you to be one!" "So I am. And I'll tell you how to bewitch your father to let you marry Dick Dewy." "Will it hurt him, poor thing?" "Hurt who?" "Father." "No; the charm is worked by common sense, and the spell can only be broke by your acting stupidly." Fancy looked rather perplexed, and Elizabeth went on: "This fear of Lizz--whatever 'tis-- By great and small; She makes pretence to common sense, And that's all. "You must do it like this." The witch laid down her knife and potato, and then poured into Fancy's ear a long and detailed list of directions, glancing up from the corner of her eye into Fancy's face with an expression of sinister humour. Fancy's face brightened, clouded, rose and sank, as the narrative proceeded. "There," said Elizabeth at length, stooping for the knife and another potato, "do that, and you'll have him by-long and by-late, my dear." "And do it I will!" said Fancy. She then turned her attention to the external world once more. The rain continued as usual, but the wind had abated considerably during the discourse. Judging that it was now possible to keep an umbrella erect, she pulled her hood again over her bonnet, bade the witch good-bye, and went her way. CHAPTER IV: THE SPELL Mrs. Endorfield's advice was duly followed. "I be proper sorry that your daughter isn't so well as she might be," said a Mellstock man to Geoffrey one morning. "But is there anything in it?" said Geoffrey uneasily, as he shifted his hat to the right. "I can't understand the report. She didn't complain to me a bit when I saw her." "No appetite at all, they say." Geoffrey crossed to Mellstock and called at the school that afternoon. Fancy welcomed him as usual, and asked him to stay and take tea with her. "I be'n't much for tea, this time o' day," he said, but stayed. During the meal he watched her narrowly. And to his great consternation discovered the following unprecedented change in the healthy girl--that she cut herself only a diaphanous slice of bread-and-butter, and, laying it on her plate, passed the meal-time in breaking it into pieces, but eating no more than about one-tenth of the slice. Geoffrey hoped she would say something about Dick, and finish up by weeping, as she had done after the decision against him a few days subsequent to the interview in the garden. But nothing was said, and in due time Geoffrey departed again for Yalbury Wood. "'Tis to be hoped poor Miss Fancy will be able to keep on her school," said Geoffrey's man Enoch to Geoffrey the following week, as they were shovelling up ant-hills in the wood. Geoffrey stuck in the shovel, swept seven or eight ants from his sleeve, and killed another that was prowling round his ear, then looked perpendicularly into the earth as usual, waiting for Enoch to say more. "Well, why shouldn't she?" said the keeper at last. "The baker told me yesterday," continued Enoch, shaking out another emmet that had run merrily up his thigh, "that the bread he've left at that there school-house this last month would starve any mouse in the three creations; that 'twould so! And afterwards I had a pint o' small down at Morrs's, and there I heard more." "What might that ha' been?" "That she used to have a pound o' the best rolled butter a week, regular as clockwork, from Dairyman Viney's for herself, as well as just so much salted for the helping girl, and the 'ooman she calls in; but now the same quantity d'last her three weeks, and then 'tis thoughted she throws it away sour." "Finish doing the emmets, and carry the bag home-along." The keeper resumed his gun, tucked it under his arm, and went on without whistling to the dogs, who however followed, with a bearing meant to imply that they did not expect any such attentions when their master was reflecting. On Saturday morning a note came from Fancy. He was not to trouble about sending her the couple of rabbits, as was intended, because she feared she should not want them. Later in the day Geoffrey went to Casterbridge and called upon the butcher who served Fancy with fresh meat, which was put down to her father's account. "I've called to pay up our little bill, Neighbour Haylock, and you can gie me the chiel's account at the same time." Mr. Haylock turned round three quarters of a circle in the midst of a heap of joints, altered the expression of his face from meat to money, went into a little office consisting only of a door and a window, looked very vigorously into a book which possessed length but no breadth; and then, seizing a piece of paper and scribbling thereupon, handed the bill. Probably it was the first time in the history of commercial transactions that the quality of shortness in a butcher's bill was a cause of tribulation to the debtor. "Why, this isn't all she've had in a whole month!" said Geoffrey. "Every mossel," said the butcher--"(now, Dan, take that leg and shoulder to Mrs. White's, and this eleven pound here to Mr. Martin's)--you've been treating her to smaller joints lately, to my thinking, Mr. Day?" "Only two or three little scram rabbits this last week, as I am alive--I wish I had!" "Well, my wife said to me--(Dan! not too much, not too much on that tray at a time; better go twice)--my wife said to me as she posted up the books: she says, 'Miss Day must have been affronted this summer during that hot muggy weather that spolit so much for us; for depend upon't,' she says, 'she've been trying John Grimmett unknown to us: see her account else.' 'Tis little, of course, at the best of times, being only for one, but now 'tis next kin to nothing." "I'll inquire," said Geoffrey despondingly. He returned by way of Mellstock, and called upon Fancy, in fulfilment of a promise. It being Saturday, the children were enjoying a holiday, and on entering the residence Fancy was nowhere to be seen. Nan, the charwoman, was sweeping the kitchen. "Where's my da'ter?" said the keeper. "Well, you see she was tired with the week's teaching, and this morning she said, 'Nan, I sha'n't get up till the evening.' You see, Mr. Day, if people don't eat, they can't work; and as she've gie'd up eating, she must gie up working." "Have ye carried up any dinner to her?" "No; she don't want any. There, we all know that such things don't come without good reason--not that I wish to say anything about a broken heart, or anything of the kind." Geoffrey's own heart felt inconveniently large just then. He went to the staircase and ascended to his daughter's door. "Fancy!" "Come in, father." To see a person in bed from any cause whatever, on a fine afternoon, is depressing enough; and here was his only child Fancy, not only in bed, but looking very pale. Geoffrey was visibly disturbed. "Fancy, I didn't expect to see thee here, chiel," he said. "What's the matter?" "I'm not well, father." "How's that?" "Because I think of things." "What things can you have to think o' so mortal much?" "You know, father." "You think I've been cruel to thee in saying that that penniless Dick o' thine sha'n't marry thee, I suppose?" No answer. "Well, you know, Fancy, I do it for the best, and he isn't good enough for thee. You know that well enough." Here he again looked at her as she lay. "Well, Fancy, I can't let my only chiel die; and if you can't live without en, you must ha' en, I suppose." "O, I don't want him like that; all against your will, and everything so disobedient!" sighed the invalid. "No, no, 'tisn't against my will. My wish is, now I d'see how 'tis hurten thee to live without en, that he shall marry thee as soon as we've considered a little. That's my wish flat and plain, Fancy. There, never cry, my little maid! You ought to ha' cried afore; no need o' crying now 'tis all over. Well, howsoever, try to step over and see me and mother- law to-morrow, and ha' a bit of dinner wi' us." "And--Dick too?" "Ay, Dick too, 'far's I know." "And when do you think you'll have considered, father, and he may marry me?" she coaxed. "Well, there, say next Midsummer; that's not a day too long to wait." On leaving the school Geoffrey went to the tranter's. Old William opened the door. "Is your grandson Dick in 'ithin, William?" "No, not just now, Mr. Day. Though he've been at home a good deal lately." "O, how's that?" "What wi' one thing, and what wi' t'other, he's all in a mope, as might be said. Don't seem the feller he used to. Ay, 'a will sit studding and thinking as if 'a were going to turn chapel-member, and then do nothing but traypse and wamble about. Used to be such a chatty boy, too, Dick did; and now 'a don't speak at all. But won't ye step inside? Reuben will be home soon, 'a b'lieve." "No, thank you, I can't stay now. Will ye just ask Dick if he'll do me the kindness to step over to Yalbury to-morrow with my da'ter Fancy, if she's well enough? I don't like her to come by herself, now she's not so terrible topping in health." "So I've heard. Ay, sure, I'll tell him without fail." CHAPTER V: AFTER GAINING HER POINT The visit to Geoffrey passed off as delightfully as a visit might have been expected to pass off when it was the first day of smooth experience in a hitherto obstructed love-course. And then came a series of several happy days, of the same undisturbed serenity. Dick could court her when he chose; stay away when he chose,--which was never; walk with her by winding streams and waterfalls and autumn scenery till dews and twilight sent them home. And thus they drew near the day of the Harvest Thanksgiving, which was also the time chosen for opening the organ in Mellstock Church. It chanced that Dick on that very day was called away from Mellstock. A young acquaintance had died of consumption at Charmley, a neighbouring village, on the previous Monday, and Dick, in fulfilment of a long-standing promise, was to assist in carrying him to the grave. When on Tuesday, Dick went towards the school to acquaint Fancy with the fact, it is difficult to say whether his own disappointment at being denied the sight of her triumphant debut as organist, was greater than his vexation that his pet should on this great occasion be deprived of the pleasure of his presence. However, the intelligence was communicated. She bore it as she best could, not without many expressions of regret, and convictions that her performance would be nothing to her now. Just before eleven o'clock on Sunday he set out upon his sad errand. The funeral was to be immediately after the morning service, and as there were four good miles to walk, driving being inconvenient, it became necessary to start comparatively early. Half an hour later would certainly have answered his purpose quite as well, yet at the last moment nothing would content his ardent mind but that he must go a mile out of his way in the direction of the school, in the hope of getting a glimpse of his Love as she started for church. Striking, therefore, into the lane towards the school, instead of across the ewelease direct to Charmley, he arrived opposite her door as his goddess emerged. If ever a woman looked a divinity, Fancy Day appeared one that morning as she floated down those school steps, in the form of a nebulous collection of colours inclining to blue. With an audacity unparalleled in the whole history of village-school-mistresses at this date--partly owing, no doubt, to papa's respectable accumulation of cash, which rendered her profession not altogether one of necessity--she had actually donned a hat and feather, and lowered her hitherto plainly looped-up hair, which now fell about her shoulders in a profusion of curls. Poor Dick was astonished: he had never seen her look so distractingly beautiful before, save on Christmas-eve, when her hair was in the same luxuriant condition of freedom. But his first burst of delighted surprise was followed by less comfortable feelings, as soon as his brain recovered its power to think. Fancy had blushed;--was it with confusion? She had also involuntarily pressed back her curls. She had not expected him. "Fancy, you didn't know me for a moment in my funeral clothes, did you?" "Good-morning, Dick--no, really, I didn't know you for an instant in such a sad suit." He looked again at the gay tresses and hat. "You've never dressed so charming before, dearest." "I like to hear you praise me in that way, Dick," she said, smiling archly. "It is meat and drink to a woman. Do I look nice really?" "Fie! you know it. Did you remember,--I mean didn't you remember about my going away to-day?" "Well, yes, I did, Dick; but, you know, I wanted to look well;--forgive me." "Yes, darling; yes, of course,--there's nothing to forgive. No, I was only thinking that when we talked on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday and Friday about my absence to-day, and I was so sorry for it, you said, Fancy, so were you sorry, and almost cried, and said it would be no pleasure to you to be the attraction of the church to-day, since I could not be there." "My dear one, neither will it be so much pleasure to me . . . But I do take a little delight in my life, I suppose," she pouted. "Apart from mine?" She looked at him with perplexed eyes. "I know you are vexed with me, Dick, and it is because the first Sunday I have curls and a hat and feather since I have been here happens to be the very day you are away and won't be with me. Yes, say it is, for that is it! And you think that all this week I ought to have remembered you wouldn't be here to- day, and not have cared to be better dressed than usual. Yes, you do, Dick, and it is rather unkind!" "No, no," said Dick earnestly and simply, "I didn't think so badly of you as that. I only thought that--if you had been going away, I shouldn't have tried new attractions for the eyes of other people. But then of course you and I are different, naturally." "Well, perhaps we are." "Whatever will the vicar say, Fancy?" "I don't fear what he says in the least!" she answered proudly. "But he won't say anything of the sort you think. No, no." "He can hardly have conscience to, indeed." "Now come, you say, Dick, that you quite forgive me, for I must go," she said with sudden gaiety, and skipped backwards into the porch. "Come here, sir;--say you forgive me, and then you shall kiss me;--you never have yet when I have worn curls, you know. Yes, just where you want to so much,--yes, you may!" Dick followed her into the inner corner, where he was probably not slow in availing himself of the privilege offered. "Now that's a treat for you, isn't it?" she continued. "Good-bye, or I shall be late. Come and see me to-morrow: you'll be tired to-night." Thus they parted, and Fancy proceeded to the church. The organ stood on one side of the chancel, close to and under the immediate eye of the vicar when he was in the pulpit, and also in full view of the congregation. Here she sat down, for the first time in such a conspicuous position, her seat having previously been in a remote spot in the aisle. "Good heavens--disgraceful! Curls and a hat and feather!" said the daughters of the small gentry, who had either only curly hair without a hat and feather, or a hat and feather without curly hair. "A bonnet for church always," said sober matrons. That Mr. Maybold was conscious of her presence close beside him during the sermon; that he was not at all angry at her development of costume; that he admired her, she perceived. But she did not see that he loved her during that sermon-time as he had never loved a woman before; that her proximity was a strange delight to him; and that he gloried in her musical success that morning in a spirit quite beyond a mere cleric's glory at the inauguration of a new order of things. The old choir, with humbled hearts, no longer took their seats in the gallery as heretofore (which was now given up to the school-children who were not singers, and a pupil-teacher), but were scattered about with their wives in different parts of the church. Having nothing to do with conducting the service for almost the first time in their lives, they all felt awkward, out of place, abashed, and inconvenienced by their hands. The tranter had proposed that they should stay away to-day and go nutting, but grandfather William would not hear of such a thing for a moment. "No," he replied reproachfully, and quoted a verse: "Though this has come upon us, let not our hearts be turned back, or our steps go out of the way." So they stood and watched the curls of hair trailing down the back of the successful rival, and the waving of her feather, as she swayed her head. After a few timid notes and uncertain touches her playing became markedly correct, and towards the end full and free. But, whether from prejudice or unbiassed judgment, the venerable body of musicians could not help thinking that the simpler notes they had been wont to bring forth were more in keeping with the simplicity of their old church than the crowded chords and interludes it was her pleasure to produce. CHAPTER VI: INTO TEMPTATION The day was done, and Fancy was again in the school-house. About five o'clock it began to rain, and in rather a dull frame of mind she wandered into the schoolroom, for want of something better to do. She was thinking--of her lover Dick Dewy? Not precisely. Of how weary she was of living alone: how unbearable it would be to return to Yalbury under the rule of her strange-tempered step-mother; that it was far better to be married to anybody than do that; that eight or nine long months had yet to be lived through ere the wedding could take place. At the side of the room were high windows of Ham-hill stone, upon either sill of which she could sit by first mounting a desk and using it as a footstool. As the evening advanced here she perched herself, as was her custom on such wet and gloomy occasions, put on a light shawl and bonnet, opened the window, and looked out at the rain. The window overlooked a field called the Grove, and it was the position from which she used to survey the crown of Dick's passing hat in the early days of their acquaintance and meetings. Not a living soul was now visible anywhere; the rain kept all people indoors who were not forced abroad by necessity, and necessity was less importunate on Sundays than during the week. Sitting here and thinking again--of her lover, or of the sensation she had created at church that day?--well, it is unknown--thinking and thinking she saw a dark masculine figure arising into distinctness at the further end of the Grove--a man without an umbrella. Nearer and nearer he came, and she perceived that he was in deep mourning, and then that it was Dick. Yes, in the fondness and foolishness of his young heart, after walking four miles, in a drizzling rain without overcoat or umbrella, and in face of a remark from his love that he was not to come because he would be tired, he had made it his business to wander this mile out of his way again, from sheer wish of spending ten minutes in her presence. "O Dick, how wet you are!" she said, as he drew up under the window. "Why, your coat shines as if it had been varnished, and your hat--my goodness, there's a streaming hat!" "O, I don't mind, darling!" said Dick cheerfully. "Wet never hurts me, though I am rather sorry for my best clothes. However, it couldn't be helped; we lent all the umbrellas to the women. I don't know when I shall get mine back!" "And look, there's a nasty patch of something just on your shoulder." "Ah, that's japanning; it rubbed off the clamps of poor Jack's coffin when we lowered him from our shoulders upon the bier! I don't care about that, for 'twas the last deed I could do for him; and 'tis hard if you can't afford a coat for an old friend." Fancy put her hand to her mouth for half a minute. Underneath the palm of that little hand there existed for that half-minute a little yawn. "Dick, I don't like you to stand there in the wet. And you mustn't sit down. Go home and change your things. Don't stay another minute." "One kiss after coming so far," he pleaded. "If I can reach, then." He looked rather disappointed at not being invited round to the door. She twisted from her seated position and bent herself downwards, but not even by standing on the plinth was it possible for Dick to get his lips into contact with hers as she held them. By great exertion she might have reached a little lower; but then she would have exposed her head to the rain. "Never mind, Dick; kiss my hand," she said, flinging it down to him. "Now, good-bye." "Good-bye." He walked slowly away, turning and turning again to look at her till he was out of sight. During the retreat she said to herself, almost involuntarily, and still conscious of that morning's triumph--"I like Dick, and I love him; but how plain and sorry a man looks in the rain, with no umbrella, and wet through!" As he vanished, she made as if to descend from her seat; but glancing in the other direction she saw another form coming along the same track. It was also that of a man. He, too, was in black from top to toe; but he carried an umbrella. He drew nearer, and the direction of the rain caused him so to slant his umbrella that from her height above the ground his head was invisible, as she was also to him. He passed in due time directly beneath her, and in looking down upon the exterior of his umbrella her feminine eyes perceived it to be of superior silk--less common at that date than since--and of elegant make. He reached the entrance to the building, and Fancy suddenly lost sight of him. Instead of pursuing the roadway as Dick had done he had turned sharply round into her own porch. She jumped to the floor, hastily flung off her shawl and bonnet, smoothed and patted her hair till the curls hung in passable condition, and listened. No knock. Nearly a minute passed, and still there was no knock. Then there arose a soft series of raps, no louder than the tapping of a distant woodpecker, and barely distinct enough to reach her ears. She composed herself and flung open the door. In the porch stood Mr. Maybold. There was a warm flush upon his face, and a bright flash in his eyes, which made him look handsomer than she had ever seen him before. "Good-evening, Miss Day." "Good-evening, Mr. Maybold," she said, in a strange state of mind. She had noticed, beyond the ardent hue of his face, that his voice had a singular tremor in it, and that his hand shook like an aspen leaf when he laid his umbrella in the corner of the

compared

How many times the word 'compared' appears in the text?

Dewy." "Good-night, Mr. Day." Modest Dick's reply had faltered upon his tongue, and he turned away wondering at his presumption in asking for a woman whom he had seen from the beginning to be so superior to him. CHAPTER III: FANCY IN THE RAIN The next scene is a tempestuous afternoon in the following month, and Fancy Day is discovered walking from her father's home towards Mellstock. A single vast gray cloud covered the country, from which the small rain and mist had just begun to blow down in wavy sheets, alternately thick and thin. The trees of the fields and plantations writhed like miserable men as the air wound its way swiftly among them: the lowest portions of their trunks, that had hardly ever been known to move, were visibly rocked by the fiercer gusts, distressing the mind by its painful unwontedness, as when a strong man is seen to shed tears. Low-hanging boughs went up and down; high and erect boughs went to and fro; the blasts being so irregular, and divided into so many cross-currents, that neighbouring branches of the same tree swept the skies in independent motions, crossed each other, or became entangled. Across the open spaces flew flocks of green and yellowish leaves, which, after travelling a long distance from their parent trees, reached the ground, and lay there with their under-sides upward. As the rain and wind increased, and Fancy's bonnet-ribbons leapt more and more snappishly against her chin, she paused on entering Mellstock Lane to consider her latitude, and the distance to a place of shelter. The nearest house was Elizabeth Endorfield's, in Higher Mellstock, whose cottage and garden stood not far from the junction of that hamlet with the road she followed. Fancy hastened onward, and in five minutes entered a gate, which shed upon her toes a flood of water-drops as she opened it. "Come in, chiel!" a voice exclaimed, before Fancy had knocked: a promptness that would have surprised her had she not known that Mrs. Endorfield was an exceedingly and exceptionally sharp woman in the use of her eyes and ears. Fancy went in and sat down. Elizabeth was paring potatoes for her husband's supper. Scrape, scrape, scrape; then a toss, and splash went a potato into a bucket of water. Now, as Fancy listlessly noted these proceedings of the dame, she began to reconsider an old subject that lay uppermost in her heart. Since the interview between her father and Dick, the days had been melancholy days for her. Geoffrey's firm opposition to the notion of Dick as a son-in- law was more than she had expected. She had frequently seen her lover since that time, it is true, and had loved him more for the opposition than she would have otherwise dreamt of doing--which was a happiness of a certain kind. Yet, though love is thus an end in itself, it must be believed to be the means to another end if it is to assume the rosy hues of an unalloyed pleasure. And such a belief Fancy and Dick were emphatically denied just now. Elizabeth Endorfield had a repute among women which was in its nature something between distinction and notoriety. It was founded on the following items of character. She was shrewd and penetrating; her house stood in a lonely place; she never went to church; she wore a red cloak; she always retained her bonnet indoors and she had a pointed chin. Thus far her attributes were distinctly Satanic; and those who looked no further called her, in plain terms, a witch. But she was not gaunt, nor ugly in the upper part of her face, nor particularly strange in manner; so that, when her more intimate acquaintances spoke of her the term was softened, and she became simply a Deep Body, who was as long-headed as she was high. It may be stated that Elizabeth belonged to a class of suspects who were gradually losing their mysterious characteristics under the administration of the young vicar; though, during the long reign of Mr. Grinham, the parish of Mellstock had proved extremely favourable to the growth of witches. While Fancy was revolving all this in her mind, and putting it to herself whether it was worth while to tell her troubles to Elizabeth, and ask her advice in getting out of them, the witch spoke. "You be down--proper down," she said suddenly, dropping another potato into the bucket. Fancy took no notice. "About your young man." Fancy reddened. Elizabeth seemed to be watching her thoughts. Really, one would almost think she must have the powers people ascribed to her. "Father not in the humour for't, hey?" Another potato was finished and flung in. "Ah, I know about it. Little birds tell me things that people don't dream of my knowing." Fancy was desperate about Dick, and here was a chance--O, such a wicked chance--of getting help; and what was goodness beside love! "I wish you'd tell me how to put him in the humour for it?" she said. "That I could soon do," said the witch quietly. "Really? O, do; anyhow--I don't care--so that it is done! How could I do it, Mrs. Endorfield?" "Nothing so mighty wonderful in it." "Well, but how?" "By witchery, of course!" said Elizabeth. "No!" said Fancy. "'Tis, I assure ye. Didn't you ever hear I was a witch?" "Well," hesitated Fancy, "I have heard you called so." "And you believed it?" "I can't say that I did exactly believe it, for 'tis very horrible and wicked; but, O, how I do wish it was possible for you to be one!" "So I am. And I'll tell you how to bewitch your father to let you marry Dick Dewy." "Will it hurt him, poor thing?" "Hurt who?" "Father." "No; the charm is worked by common sense, and the spell can only be broke by your acting stupidly." Fancy looked rather perplexed, and Elizabeth went on: "This fear of Lizz--whatever 'tis-- By great and small; She makes pretence to common sense, And that's all. "You must do it like this." The witch laid down her knife and potato, and then poured into Fancy's ear a long and detailed list of directions, glancing up from the corner of her eye into Fancy's face with an expression of sinister humour. Fancy's face brightened, clouded, rose and sank, as the narrative proceeded. "There," said Elizabeth at length, stooping for the knife and another potato, "do that, and you'll have him by-long and by-late, my dear." "And do it I will!" said Fancy. She then turned her attention to the external world once more. The rain continued as usual, but the wind had abated considerably during the discourse. Judging that it was now possible to keep an umbrella erect, she pulled her hood again over her bonnet, bade the witch good-bye, and went her way. CHAPTER IV: THE SPELL Mrs. Endorfield's advice was duly followed. "I be proper sorry that your daughter isn't so well as she might be," said a Mellstock man to Geoffrey one morning. "But is there anything in it?" said Geoffrey uneasily, as he shifted his hat to the right. "I can't understand the report. She didn't complain to me a bit when I saw her." "No appetite at all, they say." Geoffrey crossed to Mellstock and called at the school that afternoon. Fancy welcomed him as usual, and asked him to stay and take tea with her. "I be'n't much for tea, this time o' day," he said, but stayed. During the meal he watched her narrowly. And to his great consternation discovered the following unprecedented change in the healthy girl--that she cut herself only a diaphanous slice of bread-and-butter, and, laying it on her plate, passed the meal-time in breaking it into pieces, but eating no more than about one-tenth of the slice. Geoffrey hoped she would say something about Dick, and finish up by weeping, as she had done after the decision against him a few days subsequent to the interview in the garden. But nothing was said, and in due time Geoffrey departed again for Yalbury Wood. "'Tis to be hoped poor Miss Fancy will be able to keep on her school," said Geoffrey's man Enoch to Geoffrey the following week, as they were shovelling up ant-hills in the wood. Geoffrey stuck in the shovel, swept seven or eight ants from his sleeve, and killed another that was prowling round his ear, then looked perpendicularly into the earth as usual, waiting for Enoch to say more. "Well, why shouldn't she?" said the keeper at last. "The baker told me yesterday," continued Enoch, shaking out another emmet that had run merrily up his thigh, "that the bread he've left at that there school-house this last month would starve any mouse in the three creations; that 'twould so! And afterwards I had a pint o' small down at Morrs's, and there I heard more." "What might that ha' been?" "That she used to have a pound o' the best rolled butter a week, regular as clockwork, from Dairyman Viney's for herself, as well as just so much salted for the helping girl, and the 'ooman she calls in; but now the same quantity d'last her three weeks, and then 'tis thoughted she throws it away sour." "Finish doing the emmets, and carry the bag home-along." The keeper resumed his gun, tucked it under his arm, and went on without whistling to the dogs, who however followed, with a bearing meant to imply that they did not expect any such attentions when their master was reflecting. On Saturday morning a note came from Fancy. He was not to trouble about sending her the couple of rabbits, as was intended, because she feared she should not want them. Later in the day Geoffrey went to Casterbridge and called upon the butcher who served Fancy with fresh meat, which was put down to her father's account. "I've called to pay up our little bill, Neighbour Haylock, and you can gie me the chiel's account at the same time." Mr. Haylock turned round three quarters of a circle in the midst of a heap of joints, altered the expression of his face from meat to money, went into a little office consisting only of a door and a window, looked very vigorously into a book which possessed length but no breadth; and then, seizing a piece of paper and scribbling thereupon, handed the bill. Probably it was the first time in the history of commercial transactions that the quality of shortness in a butcher's bill was a cause of tribulation to the debtor. "Why, this isn't all she've had in a whole month!" said Geoffrey. "Every mossel," said the butcher--"(now, Dan, take that leg and shoulder to Mrs. White's, and this eleven pound here to Mr. Martin's)--you've been treating her to smaller joints lately, to my thinking, Mr. Day?" "Only two or three little scram rabbits this last week, as I am alive--I wish I had!" "Well, my wife said to me--(Dan! not too much, not too much on that tray at a time; better go twice)--my wife said to me as she posted up the books: she says, 'Miss Day must have been affronted this summer during that hot muggy weather that spolit so much for us; for depend upon't,' she says, 'she've been trying John Grimmett unknown to us: see her account else.' 'Tis little, of course, at the best of times, being only for one, but now 'tis next kin to nothing." "I'll inquire," said Geoffrey despondingly. He returned by way of Mellstock, and called upon Fancy, in fulfilment of a promise. It being Saturday, the children were enjoying a holiday, and on entering the residence Fancy was nowhere to be seen. Nan, the charwoman, was sweeping the kitchen. "Where's my da'ter?" said the keeper. "Well, you see she was tired with the week's teaching, and this morning she said, 'Nan, I sha'n't get up till the evening.' You see, Mr. Day, if people don't eat, they can't work; and as she've gie'd up eating, she must gie up working." "Have ye carried up any dinner to her?" "No; she don't want any. There, we all know that such things don't come without good reason--not that I wish to say anything about a broken heart, or anything of the kind." Geoffrey's own heart felt inconveniently large just then. He went to the staircase and ascended to his daughter's door. "Fancy!" "Come in, father." To see a person in bed from any cause whatever, on a fine afternoon, is depressing enough; and here was his only child Fancy, not only in bed, but looking very pale. Geoffrey was visibly disturbed. "Fancy, I didn't expect to see thee here, chiel," he said. "What's the matter?" "I'm not well, father." "How's that?" "Because I think of things." "What things can you have to think o' so mortal much?" "You know, father." "You think I've been cruel to thee in saying that that penniless Dick o' thine sha'n't marry thee, I suppose?" No answer. "Well, you know, Fancy, I do it for the best, and he isn't good enough for thee. You know that well enough." Here he again looked at her as she lay. "Well, Fancy, I can't let my only chiel die; and if you can't live without en, you must ha' en, I suppose." "O, I don't want him like that; all against your will, and everything so disobedient!" sighed the invalid. "No, no, 'tisn't against my will. My wish is, now I d'see how 'tis hurten thee to live without en, that he shall marry thee as soon as we've considered a little. That's my wish flat and plain, Fancy. There, never cry, my little maid! You ought to ha' cried afore; no need o' crying now 'tis all over. Well, howsoever, try to step over and see me and mother- law to-morrow, and ha' a bit of dinner wi' us." "And--Dick too?" "Ay, Dick too, 'far's I know." "And when do you think you'll have considered, father, and he may marry me?" she coaxed. "Well, there, say next Midsummer; that's not a day too long to wait." On leaving the school Geoffrey went to the tranter's. Old William opened the door. "Is your grandson Dick in 'ithin, William?" "No, not just now, Mr. Day. Though he've been at home a good deal lately." "O, how's that?" "What wi' one thing, and what wi' t'other, he's all in a mope, as might be said. Don't seem the feller he used to. Ay, 'a will sit studding and thinking as if 'a were going to turn chapel-member, and then do nothing but traypse and wamble about. Used to be such a chatty boy, too, Dick did; and now 'a don't speak at all. But won't ye step inside? Reuben will be home soon, 'a b'lieve." "No, thank you, I can't stay now. Will ye just ask Dick if he'll do me the kindness to step over to Yalbury to-morrow with my da'ter Fancy, if she's well enough? I don't like her to come by herself, now she's not so terrible topping in health." "So I've heard. Ay, sure, I'll tell him without fail." CHAPTER V: AFTER GAINING HER POINT The visit to Geoffrey passed off as delightfully as a visit might have been expected to pass off when it was the first day of smooth experience in a hitherto obstructed love-course. And then came a series of several happy days, of the same undisturbed serenity. Dick could court her when he chose; stay away when he chose,--which was never; walk with her by winding streams and waterfalls and autumn scenery till dews and twilight sent them home. And thus they drew near the day of the Harvest Thanksgiving, which was also the time chosen for opening the organ in Mellstock Church. It chanced that Dick on that very day was called away from Mellstock. A young acquaintance had died of consumption at Charmley, a neighbouring village, on the previous Monday, and Dick, in fulfilment of a long-standing promise, was to assist in carrying him to the grave. When on Tuesday, Dick went towards the school to acquaint Fancy with the fact, it is difficult to say whether his own disappointment at being denied the sight of her triumphant debut as organist, was greater than his vexation that his pet should on this great occasion be deprived of the pleasure of his presence. However, the intelligence was communicated. She bore it as she best could, not without many expressions of regret, and convictions that her performance would be nothing to her now. Just before eleven o'clock on Sunday he set out upon his sad errand. The funeral was to be immediately after the morning service, and as there were four good miles to walk, driving being inconvenient, it became necessary to start comparatively early. Half an hour later would certainly have answered his purpose quite as well, yet at the last moment nothing would content his ardent mind but that he must go a mile out of his way in the direction of the school, in the hope of getting a glimpse of his Love as she started for church. Striking, therefore, into the lane towards the school, instead of across the ewelease direct to Charmley, he arrived opposite her door as his goddess emerged. If ever a woman looked a divinity, Fancy Day appeared one that morning as she floated down those school steps, in the form of a nebulous collection of colours inclining to blue. With an audacity unparalleled in the whole history of village-school-mistresses at this date--partly owing, no doubt, to papa's respectable accumulation of cash, which rendered her profession not altogether one of necessity--she had actually donned a hat and feather, and lowered her hitherto plainly looped-up hair, which now fell about her shoulders in a profusion of curls. Poor Dick was astonished: he had never seen her look so distractingly beautiful before, save on Christmas-eve, when her hair was in the same luxuriant condition of freedom. But his first burst of delighted surprise was followed by less comfortable feelings, as soon as his brain recovered its power to think. Fancy had blushed;--was it with confusion? She had also involuntarily pressed back her curls. She had not expected him. "Fancy, you didn't know me for a moment in my funeral clothes, did you?" "Good-morning, Dick--no, really, I didn't know you for an instant in such a sad suit." He looked again at the gay tresses and hat. "You've never dressed so charming before, dearest." "I like to hear you praise me in that way, Dick," she said, smiling archly. "It is meat and drink to a woman. Do I look nice really?" "Fie! you know it. Did you remember,--I mean didn't you remember about my going away to-day?" "Well, yes, I did, Dick; but, you know, I wanted to look well;--forgive me." "Yes, darling; yes, of course,--there's nothing to forgive. No, I was only thinking that when we talked on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday and Friday about my absence to-day, and I was so sorry for it, you said, Fancy, so were you sorry, and almost cried, and said it would be no pleasure to you to be the attraction of the church to-day, since I could not be there." "My dear one, neither will it be so much pleasure to me . . . But I do take a little delight in my life, I suppose," she pouted. "Apart from mine?" She looked at him with perplexed eyes. "I know you are vexed with me, Dick, and it is because the first Sunday I have curls and a hat and feather since I have been here happens to be the very day you are away and won't be with me. Yes, say it is, for that is it! And you think that all this week I ought to have remembered you wouldn't be here to- day, and not have cared to be better dressed than usual. Yes, you do, Dick, and it is rather unkind!" "No, no," said Dick earnestly and simply, "I didn't think so badly of you as that. I only thought that--if you had been going away, I shouldn't have tried new attractions for the eyes of other people. But then of course you and I are different, naturally." "Well, perhaps we are." "Whatever will the vicar say, Fancy?" "I don't fear what he says in the least!" she answered proudly. "But he won't say anything of the sort you think. No, no." "He can hardly have conscience to, indeed." "Now come, you say, Dick, that you quite forgive me, for I must go," she said with sudden gaiety, and skipped backwards into the porch. "Come here, sir;--say you forgive me, and then you shall kiss me;--you never have yet when I have worn curls, you know. Yes, just where you want to so much,--yes, you may!" Dick followed her into the inner corner, where he was probably not slow in availing himself of the privilege offered. "Now that's a treat for you, isn't it?" she continued. "Good-bye, or I shall be late. Come and see me to-morrow: you'll be tired to-night." Thus they parted, and Fancy proceeded to the church. The organ stood on one side of the chancel, close to and under the immediate eye of the vicar when he was in the pulpit, and also in full view of the congregation. Here she sat down, for the first time in such a conspicuous position, her seat having previously been in a remote spot in the aisle. "Good heavens--disgraceful! Curls and a hat and feather!" said the daughters of the small gentry, who had either only curly hair without a hat and feather, or a hat and feather without curly hair. "A bonnet for church always," said sober matrons. That Mr. Maybold was conscious of her presence close beside him during the sermon; that he was not at all angry at her development of costume; that he admired her, she perceived. But she did not see that he loved her during that sermon-time as he had never loved a woman before; that her proximity was a strange delight to him; and that he gloried in her musical success that morning in a spirit quite beyond a mere cleric's glory at the inauguration of a new order of things. The old choir, with humbled hearts, no longer took their seats in the gallery as heretofore (which was now given up to the school-children who were not singers, and a pupil-teacher), but were scattered about with their wives in different parts of the church. Having nothing to do with conducting the service for almost the first time in their lives, they all felt awkward, out of place, abashed, and inconvenienced by their hands. The tranter had proposed that they should stay away to-day and go nutting, but grandfather William would not hear of such a thing for a moment. "No," he replied reproachfully, and quoted a verse: "Though this has come upon us, let not our hearts be turned back, or our steps go out of the way." So they stood and watched the curls of hair trailing down the back of the successful rival, and the waving of her feather, as she swayed her head. After a few timid notes and uncertain touches her playing became markedly correct, and towards the end full and free. But, whether from prejudice or unbiassed judgment, the venerable body of musicians could not help thinking that the simpler notes they had been wont to bring forth were more in keeping with the simplicity of their old church than the crowded chords and interludes it was her pleasure to produce. CHAPTER VI: INTO TEMPTATION The day was done, and Fancy was again in the school-house. About five o'clock it began to rain, and in rather a dull frame of mind she wandered into the schoolroom, for want of something better to do. She was thinking--of her lover Dick Dewy? Not precisely. Of how weary she was of living alone: how unbearable it would be to return to Yalbury under the rule of her strange-tempered step-mother; that it was far better to be married to anybody than do that; that eight or nine long months had yet to be lived through ere the wedding could take place. At the side of the room were high windows of Ham-hill stone, upon either sill of which she could sit by first mounting a desk and using it as a footstool. As the evening advanced here she perched herself, as was her custom on such wet and gloomy occasions, put on a light shawl and bonnet, opened the window, and looked out at the rain. The window overlooked a field called the Grove, and it was the position from which she used to survey the crown of Dick's passing hat in the early days of their acquaintance and meetings. Not a living soul was now visible anywhere; the rain kept all people indoors who were not forced abroad by necessity, and necessity was less importunate on Sundays than during the week. Sitting here and thinking again--of her lover, or of the sensation she had created at church that day?--well, it is unknown--thinking and thinking she saw a dark masculine figure arising into distinctness at the further end of the Grove--a man without an umbrella. Nearer and nearer he came, and she perceived that he was in deep mourning, and then that it was Dick. Yes, in the fondness and foolishness of his young heart, after walking four miles, in a drizzling rain without overcoat or umbrella, and in face of a remark from his love that he was not to come because he would be tired, he had made it his business to wander this mile out of his way again, from sheer wish of spending ten minutes in her presence. "O Dick, how wet you are!" she said, as he drew up under the window. "Why, your coat shines as if it had been varnished, and your hat--my goodness, there's a streaming hat!" "O, I don't mind, darling!" said Dick cheerfully. "Wet never hurts me, though I am rather sorry for my best clothes. However, it couldn't be helped; we lent all the umbrellas to the women. I don't know when I shall get mine back!" "And look, there's a nasty patch of something just on your shoulder." "Ah, that's japanning; it rubbed off the clamps of poor Jack's coffin when we lowered him from our shoulders upon the bier! I don't care about that, for 'twas the last deed I could do for him; and 'tis hard if you can't afford a coat for an old friend." Fancy put her hand to her mouth for half a minute. Underneath the palm of that little hand there existed for that half-minute a little yawn. "Dick, I don't like you to stand there in the wet. And you mustn't sit down. Go home and change your things. Don't stay another minute." "One kiss after coming so far," he pleaded. "If I can reach, then." He looked rather disappointed at not being invited round to the door. She twisted from her seated position and bent herself downwards, but not even by standing on the plinth was it possible for Dick to get his lips into contact with hers as she held them. By great exertion she might have reached a little lower; but then she would have exposed her head to the rain. "Never mind, Dick; kiss my hand," she said, flinging it down to him. "Now, good-bye." "Good-bye." He walked slowly away, turning and turning again to look at her till he was out of sight. During the retreat she said to herself, almost involuntarily, and still conscious of that morning's triumph--"I like Dick, and I love him; but how plain and sorry a man looks in the rain, with no umbrella, and wet through!" As he vanished, she made as if to descend from her seat; but glancing in the other direction she saw another form coming along the same track. It was also that of a man. He, too, was in black from top to toe; but he carried an umbrella. He drew nearer, and the direction of the rain caused him so to slant his umbrella that from her height above the ground his head was invisible, as she was also to him. He passed in due time directly beneath her, and in looking down upon the exterior of his umbrella her feminine eyes perceived it to be of superior silk--less common at that date than since--and of elegant make. He reached the entrance to the building, and Fancy suddenly lost sight of him. Instead of pursuing the roadway as Dick had done he had turned sharply round into her own porch. She jumped to the floor, hastily flung off her shawl and bonnet, smoothed and patted her hair till the curls hung in passable condition, and listened. No knock. Nearly a minute passed, and still there was no knock. Then there arose a soft series of raps, no louder than the tapping of a distant woodpecker, and barely distinct enough to reach her ears. She composed herself and flung open the door. In the porch stood Mr. Maybold. There was a warm flush upon his face, and a bright flash in his eyes, which made him look handsomer than she had ever seen him before. "Good-evening, Miss Day." "Good-evening, Mr. Maybold," she said, in a strange state of mind. She had noticed, beyond the ardent hue of his face, that his voice had a singular tremor in it, and that his hand shook like an aspen leaf when he laid his umbrella in the corner of the

let

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Dewy." "Good-night, Mr. Day." Modest Dick's reply had faltered upon his tongue, and he turned away wondering at his presumption in asking for a woman whom he had seen from the beginning to be so superior to him. CHAPTER III: FANCY IN THE RAIN The next scene is a tempestuous afternoon in the following month, and Fancy Day is discovered walking from her father's home towards Mellstock. A single vast gray cloud covered the country, from which the small rain and mist had just begun to blow down in wavy sheets, alternately thick and thin. The trees of the fields and plantations writhed like miserable men as the air wound its way swiftly among them: the lowest portions of their trunks, that had hardly ever been known to move, were visibly rocked by the fiercer gusts, distressing the mind by its painful unwontedness, as when a strong man is seen to shed tears. Low-hanging boughs went up and down; high and erect boughs went to and fro; the blasts being so irregular, and divided into so many cross-currents, that neighbouring branches of the same tree swept the skies in independent motions, crossed each other, or became entangled. Across the open spaces flew flocks of green and yellowish leaves, which, after travelling a long distance from their parent trees, reached the ground, and lay there with their under-sides upward. As the rain and wind increased, and Fancy's bonnet-ribbons leapt more and more snappishly against her chin, she paused on entering Mellstock Lane to consider her latitude, and the distance to a place of shelter. The nearest house was Elizabeth Endorfield's, in Higher Mellstock, whose cottage and garden stood not far from the junction of that hamlet with the road she followed. Fancy hastened onward, and in five minutes entered a gate, which shed upon her toes a flood of water-drops as she opened it. "Come in, chiel!" a voice exclaimed, before Fancy had knocked: a promptness that would have surprised her had she not known that Mrs. Endorfield was an exceedingly and exceptionally sharp woman in the use of her eyes and ears. Fancy went in and sat down. Elizabeth was paring potatoes for her husband's supper. Scrape, scrape, scrape; then a toss, and splash went a potato into a bucket of water. Now, as Fancy listlessly noted these proceedings of the dame, she began to reconsider an old subject that lay uppermost in her heart. Since the interview between her father and Dick, the days had been melancholy days for her. Geoffrey's firm opposition to the notion of Dick as a son-in- law was more than she had expected. She had frequently seen her lover since that time, it is true, and had loved him more for the opposition than she would have otherwise dreamt of doing--which was a happiness of a certain kind. Yet, though love is thus an end in itself, it must be believed to be the means to another end if it is to assume the rosy hues of an unalloyed pleasure. And such a belief Fancy and Dick were emphatically denied just now. Elizabeth Endorfield had a repute among women which was in its nature something between distinction and notoriety. It was founded on the following items of character. She was shrewd and penetrating; her house stood in a lonely place; she never went to church; she wore a red cloak; she always retained her bonnet indoors and she had a pointed chin. Thus far her attributes were distinctly Satanic; and those who looked no further called her, in plain terms, a witch. But she was not gaunt, nor ugly in the upper part of her face, nor particularly strange in manner; so that, when her more intimate acquaintances spoke of her the term was softened, and she became simply a Deep Body, who was as long-headed as she was high. It may be stated that Elizabeth belonged to a class of suspects who were gradually losing their mysterious characteristics under the administration of the young vicar; though, during the long reign of Mr. Grinham, the parish of Mellstock had proved extremely favourable to the growth of witches. While Fancy was revolving all this in her mind, and putting it to herself whether it was worth while to tell her troubles to Elizabeth, and ask her advice in getting out of them, the witch spoke. "You be down--proper down," she said suddenly, dropping another potato into the bucket. Fancy took no notice. "About your young man." Fancy reddened. Elizabeth seemed to be watching her thoughts. Really, one would almost think she must have the powers people ascribed to her. "Father not in the humour for't, hey?" Another potato was finished and flung in. "Ah, I know about it. Little birds tell me things that people don't dream of my knowing." Fancy was desperate about Dick, and here was a chance--O, such a wicked chance--of getting help; and what was goodness beside love! "I wish you'd tell me how to put him in the humour for it?" she said. "That I could soon do," said the witch quietly. "Really? O, do; anyhow--I don't care--so that it is done! How could I do it, Mrs. Endorfield?" "Nothing so mighty wonderful in it." "Well, but how?" "By witchery, of course!" said Elizabeth. "No!" said Fancy. "'Tis, I assure ye. Didn't you ever hear I was a witch?" "Well," hesitated Fancy, "I have heard you called so." "And you believed it?" "I can't say that I did exactly believe it, for 'tis very horrible and wicked; but, O, how I do wish it was possible for you to be one!" "So I am. And I'll tell you how to bewitch your father to let you marry Dick Dewy." "Will it hurt him, poor thing?" "Hurt who?" "Father." "No; the charm is worked by common sense, and the spell can only be broke by your acting stupidly." Fancy looked rather perplexed, and Elizabeth went on: "This fear of Lizz--whatever 'tis-- By great and small; She makes pretence to common sense, And that's all. "You must do it like this." The witch laid down her knife and potato, and then poured into Fancy's ear a long and detailed list of directions, glancing up from the corner of her eye into Fancy's face with an expression of sinister humour. Fancy's face brightened, clouded, rose and sank, as the narrative proceeded. "There," said Elizabeth at length, stooping for the knife and another potato, "do that, and you'll have him by-long and by-late, my dear." "And do it I will!" said Fancy. She then turned her attention to the external world once more. The rain continued as usual, but the wind had abated considerably during the discourse. Judging that it was now possible to keep an umbrella erect, she pulled her hood again over her bonnet, bade the witch good-bye, and went her way. CHAPTER IV: THE SPELL Mrs. Endorfield's advice was duly followed. "I be proper sorry that your daughter isn't so well as she might be," said a Mellstock man to Geoffrey one morning. "But is there anything in it?" said Geoffrey uneasily, as he shifted his hat to the right. "I can't understand the report. She didn't complain to me a bit when I saw her." "No appetite at all, they say." Geoffrey crossed to Mellstock and called at the school that afternoon. Fancy welcomed him as usual, and asked him to stay and take tea with her. "I be'n't much for tea, this time o' day," he said, but stayed. During the meal he watched her narrowly. And to his great consternation discovered the following unprecedented change in the healthy girl--that she cut herself only a diaphanous slice of bread-and-butter, and, laying it on her plate, passed the meal-time in breaking it into pieces, but eating no more than about one-tenth of the slice. Geoffrey hoped she would say something about Dick, and finish up by weeping, as she had done after the decision against him a few days subsequent to the interview in the garden. But nothing was said, and in due time Geoffrey departed again for Yalbury Wood. "'Tis to be hoped poor Miss Fancy will be able to keep on her school," said Geoffrey's man Enoch to Geoffrey the following week, as they were shovelling up ant-hills in the wood. Geoffrey stuck in the shovel, swept seven or eight ants from his sleeve, and killed another that was prowling round his ear, then looked perpendicularly into the earth as usual, waiting for Enoch to say more. "Well, why shouldn't she?" said the keeper at last. "The baker told me yesterday," continued Enoch, shaking out another emmet that had run merrily up his thigh, "that the bread he've left at that there school-house this last month would starve any mouse in the three creations; that 'twould so! And afterwards I had a pint o' small down at Morrs's, and there I heard more." "What might that ha' been?" "That she used to have a pound o' the best rolled butter a week, regular as clockwork, from Dairyman Viney's for herself, as well as just so much salted for the helping girl, and the 'ooman she calls in; but now the same quantity d'last her three weeks, and then 'tis thoughted she throws it away sour." "Finish doing the emmets, and carry the bag home-along." The keeper resumed his gun, tucked it under his arm, and went on without whistling to the dogs, who however followed, with a bearing meant to imply that they did not expect any such attentions when their master was reflecting. On Saturday morning a note came from Fancy. He was not to trouble about sending her the couple of rabbits, as was intended, because she feared she should not want them. Later in the day Geoffrey went to Casterbridge and called upon the butcher who served Fancy with fresh meat, which was put down to her father's account. "I've called to pay up our little bill, Neighbour Haylock, and you can gie me the chiel's account at the same time." Mr. Haylock turned round three quarters of a circle in the midst of a heap of joints, altered the expression of his face from meat to money, went into a little office consisting only of a door and a window, looked very vigorously into a book which possessed length but no breadth; and then, seizing a piece of paper and scribbling thereupon, handed the bill. Probably it was the first time in the history of commercial transactions that the quality of shortness in a butcher's bill was a cause of tribulation to the debtor. "Why, this isn't all she've had in a whole month!" said Geoffrey. "Every mossel," said the butcher--"(now, Dan, take that leg and shoulder to Mrs. White's, and this eleven pound here to Mr. Martin's)--you've been treating her to smaller joints lately, to my thinking, Mr. Day?" "Only two or three little scram rabbits this last week, as I am alive--I wish I had!" "Well, my wife said to me--(Dan! not too much, not too much on that tray at a time; better go twice)--my wife said to me as she posted up the books: she says, 'Miss Day must have been affronted this summer during that hot muggy weather that spolit so much for us; for depend upon't,' she says, 'she've been trying John Grimmett unknown to us: see her account else.' 'Tis little, of course, at the best of times, being only for one, but now 'tis next kin to nothing." "I'll inquire," said Geoffrey despondingly. He returned by way of Mellstock, and called upon Fancy, in fulfilment of a promise. It being Saturday, the children were enjoying a holiday, and on entering the residence Fancy was nowhere to be seen. Nan, the charwoman, was sweeping the kitchen. "Where's my da'ter?" said the keeper. "Well, you see she was tired with the week's teaching, and this morning she said, 'Nan, I sha'n't get up till the evening.' You see, Mr. Day, if people don't eat, they can't work; and as she've gie'd up eating, she must gie up working." "Have ye carried up any dinner to her?" "No; she don't want any. There, we all know that such things don't come without good reason--not that I wish to say anything about a broken heart, or anything of the kind." Geoffrey's own heart felt inconveniently large just then. He went to the staircase and ascended to his daughter's door. "Fancy!" "Come in, father." To see a person in bed from any cause whatever, on a fine afternoon, is depressing enough; and here was his only child Fancy, not only in bed, but looking very pale. Geoffrey was visibly disturbed. "Fancy, I didn't expect to see thee here, chiel," he said. "What's the matter?" "I'm not well, father." "How's that?" "Because I think of things." "What things can you have to think o' so mortal much?" "You know, father." "You think I've been cruel to thee in saying that that penniless Dick o' thine sha'n't marry thee, I suppose?" No answer. "Well, you know, Fancy, I do it for the best, and he isn't good enough for thee. You know that well enough." Here he again looked at her as she lay. "Well, Fancy, I can't let my only chiel die; and if you can't live without en, you must ha' en, I suppose." "O, I don't want him like that; all against your will, and everything so disobedient!" sighed the invalid. "No, no, 'tisn't against my will. My wish is, now I d'see how 'tis hurten thee to live without en, that he shall marry thee as soon as we've considered a little. That's my wish flat and plain, Fancy. There, never cry, my little maid! You ought to ha' cried afore; no need o' crying now 'tis all over. Well, howsoever, try to step over and see me and mother- law to-morrow, and ha' a bit of dinner wi' us." "And--Dick too?" "Ay, Dick too, 'far's I know." "And when do you think you'll have considered, father, and he may marry me?" she coaxed. "Well, there, say next Midsummer; that's not a day too long to wait." On leaving the school Geoffrey went to the tranter's. Old William opened the door. "Is your grandson Dick in 'ithin, William?" "No, not just now, Mr. Day. Though he've been at home a good deal lately." "O, how's that?" "What wi' one thing, and what wi' t'other, he's all in a mope, as might be said. Don't seem the feller he used to. Ay, 'a will sit studding and thinking as if 'a were going to turn chapel-member, and then do nothing but traypse and wamble about. Used to be such a chatty boy, too, Dick did; and now 'a don't speak at all. But won't ye step inside? Reuben will be home soon, 'a b'lieve." "No, thank you, I can't stay now. Will ye just ask Dick if he'll do me the kindness to step over to Yalbury to-morrow with my da'ter Fancy, if she's well enough? I don't like her to come by herself, now she's not so terrible topping in health." "So I've heard. Ay, sure, I'll tell him without fail." CHAPTER V: AFTER GAINING HER POINT The visit to Geoffrey passed off as delightfully as a visit might have been expected to pass off when it was the first day of smooth experience in a hitherto obstructed love-course. And then came a series of several happy days, of the same undisturbed serenity. Dick could court her when he chose; stay away when he chose,--which was never; walk with her by winding streams and waterfalls and autumn scenery till dews and twilight sent them home. And thus they drew near the day of the Harvest Thanksgiving, which was also the time chosen for opening the organ in Mellstock Church. It chanced that Dick on that very day was called away from Mellstock. A young acquaintance had died of consumption at Charmley, a neighbouring village, on the previous Monday, and Dick, in fulfilment of a long-standing promise, was to assist in carrying him to the grave. When on Tuesday, Dick went towards the school to acquaint Fancy with the fact, it is difficult to say whether his own disappointment at being denied the sight of her triumphant debut as organist, was greater than his vexation that his pet should on this great occasion be deprived of the pleasure of his presence. However, the intelligence was communicated. She bore it as she best could, not without many expressions of regret, and convictions that her performance would be nothing to her now. Just before eleven o'clock on Sunday he set out upon his sad errand. The funeral was to be immediately after the morning service, and as there were four good miles to walk, driving being inconvenient, it became necessary to start comparatively early. Half an hour later would certainly have answered his purpose quite as well, yet at the last moment nothing would content his ardent mind but that he must go a mile out of his way in the direction of the school, in the hope of getting a glimpse of his Love as she started for church. Striking, therefore, into the lane towards the school, instead of across the ewelease direct to Charmley, he arrived opposite her door as his goddess emerged. If ever a woman looked a divinity, Fancy Day appeared one that morning as she floated down those school steps, in the form of a nebulous collection of colours inclining to blue. With an audacity unparalleled in the whole history of village-school-mistresses at this date--partly owing, no doubt, to papa's respectable accumulation of cash, which rendered her profession not altogether one of necessity--she had actually donned a hat and feather, and lowered her hitherto plainly looped-up hair, which now fell about her shoulders in a profusion of curls. Poor Dick was astonished: he had never seen her look so distractingly beautiful before, save on Christmas-eve, when her hair was in the same luxuriant condition of freedom. But his first burst of delighted surprise was followed by less comfortable feelings, as soon as his brain recovered its power to think. Fancy had blushed;--was it with confusion? She had also involuntarily pressed back her curls. She had not expected him. "Fancy, you didn't know me for a moment in my funeral clothes, did you?" "Good-morning, Dick--no, really, I didn't know you for an instant in such a sad suit." He looked again at the gay tresses and hat. "You've never dressed so charming before, dearest." "I like to hear you praise me in that way, Dick," she said, smiling archly. "It is meat and drink to a woman. Do I look nice really?" "Fie! you know it. Did you remember,--I mean didn't you remember about my going away to-day?" "Well, yes, I did, Dick; but, you know, I wanted to look well;--forgive me." "Yes, darling; yes, of course,--there's nothing to forgive. No, I was only thinking that when we talked on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday and Friday about my absence to-day, and I was so sorry for it, you said, Fancy, so were you sorry, and almost cried, and said it would be no pleasure to you to be the attraction of the church to-day, since I could not be there." "My dear one, neither will it be so much pleasure to me . . . But I do take a little delight in my life, I suppose," she pouted. "Apart from mine?" She looked at him with perplexed eyes. "I know you are vexed with me, Dick, and it is because the first Sunday I have curls and a hat and feather since I have been here happens to be the very day you are away and won't be with me. Yes, say it is, for that is it! And you think that all this week I ought to have remembered you wouldn't be here to- day, and not have cared to be better dressed than usual. Yes, you do, Dick, and it is rather unkind!" "No, no," said Dick earnestly and simply, "I didn't think so badly of you as that. I only thought that--if you had been going away, I shouldn't have tried new attractions for the eyes of other people. But then of course you and I are different, naturally." "Well, perhaps we are." "Whatever will the vicar say, Fancy?" "I don't fear what he says in the least!" she answered proudly. "But he won't say anything of the sort you think. No, no." "He can hardly have conscience to, indeed." "Now come, you say, Dick, that you quite forgive me, for I must go," she said with sudden gaiety, and skipped backwards into the porch. "Come here, sir;--say you forgive me, and then you shall kiss me;--you never have yet when I have worn curls, you know. Yes, just where you want to so much,--yes, you may!" Dick followed her into the inner corner, where he was probably not slow in availing himself of the privilege offered. "Now that's a treat for you, isn't it?" she continued. "Good-bye, or I shall be late. Come and see me to-morrow: you'll be tired to-night." Thus they parted, and Fancy proceeded to the church. The organ stood on one side of the chancel, close to and under the immediate eye of the vicar when he was in the pulpit, and also in full view of the congregation. Here she sat down, for the first time in such a conspicuous position, her seat having previously been in a remote spot in the aisle. "Good heavens--disgraceful! Curls and a hat and feather!" said the daughters of the small gentry, who had either only curly hair without a hat and feather, or a hat and feather without curly hair. "A bonnet for church always," said sober matrons. That Mr. Maybold was conscious of her presence close beside him during the sermon; that he was not at all angry at her development of costume; that he admired her, she perceived. But she did not see that he loved her during that sermon-time as he had never loved a woman before; that her proximity was a strange delight to him; and that he gloried in her musical success that morning in a spirit quite beyond a mere cleric's glory at the inauguration of a new order of things. The old choir, with humbled hearts, no longer took their seats in the gallery as heretofore (which was now given up to the school-children who were not singers, and a pupil-teacher), but were scattered about with their wives in different parts of the church. Having nothing to do with conducting the service for almost the first time in their lives, they all felt awkward, out of place, abashed, and inconvenienced by their hands. The tranter had proposed that they should stay away to-day and go nutting, but grandfather William would not hear of such a thing for a moment. "No," he replied reproachfully, and quoted a verse: "Though this has come upon us, let not our hearts be turned back, or our steps go out of the way." So they stood and watched the curls of hair trailing down the back of the successful rival, and the waving of her feather, as she swayed her head. After a few timid notes and uncertain touches her playing became markedly correct, and towards the end full and free. But, whether from prejudice or unbiassed judgment, the venerable body of musicians could not help thinking that the simpler notes they had been wont to bring forth were more in keeping with the simplicity of their old church than the crowded chords and interludes it was her pleasure to produce. CHAPTER VI: INTO TEMPTATION The day was done, and Fancy was again in the school-house. About five o'clock it began to rain, and in rather a dull frame of mind she wandered into the schoolroom, for want of something better to do. She was thinking--of her lover Dick Dewy? Not precisely. Of how weary she was of living alone: how unbearable it would be to return to Yalbury under the rule of her strange-tempered step-mother; that it was far better to be married to anybody than do that; that eight or nine long months had yet to be lived through ere the wedding could take place. At the side of the room were high windows of Ham-hill stone, upon either sill of which she could sit by first mounting a desk and using it as a footstool. As the evening advanced here she perched herself, as was her custom on such wet and gloomy occasions, put on a light shawl and bonnet, opened the window, and looked out at the rain. The window overlooked a field called the Grove, and it was the position from which she used to survey the crown of Dick's passing hat in the early days of their acquaintance and meetings. Not a living soul was now visible anywhere; the rain kept all people indoors who were not forced abroad by necessity, and necessity was less importunate on Sundays than during the week. Sitting here and thinking again--of her lover, or of the sensation she had created at church that day?--well, it is unknown--thinking and thinking she saw a dark masculine figure arising into distinctness at the further end of the Grove--a man without an umbrella. Nearer and nearer he came, and she perceived that he was in deep mourning, and then that it was Dick. Yes, in the fondness and foolishness of his young heart, after walking four miles, in a drizzling rain without overcoat or umbrella, and in face of a remark from his love that he was not to come because he would be tired, he had made it his business to wander this mile out of his way again, from sheer wish of spending ten minutes in her presence. "O Dick, how wet you are!" she said, as he drew up under the window. "Why, your coat shines as if it had been varnished, and your hat--my goodness, there's a streaming hat!" "O, I don't mind, darling!" said Dick cheerfully. "Wet never hurts me, though I am rather sorry for my best clothes. However, it couldn't be helped; we lent all the umbrellas to the women. I don't know when I shall get mine back!" "And look, there's a nasty patch of something just on your shoulder." "Ah, that's japanning; it rubbed off the clamps of poor Jack's coffin when we lowered him from our shoulders upon the bier! I don't care about that, for 'twas the last deed I could do for him; and 'tis hard if you can't afford a coat for an old friend." Fancy put her hand to her mouth for half a minute. Underneath the palm of that little hand there existed for that half-minute a little yawn. "Dick, I don't like you to stand there in the wet. And you mustn't sit down. Go home and change your things. Don't stay another minute." "One kiss after coming so far," he pleaded. "If I can reach, then." He looked rather disappointed at not being invited round to the door. She twisted from her seated position and bent herself downwards, but not even by standing on the plinth was it possible for Dick to get his lips into contact with hers as she held them. By great exertion she might have reached a little lower; but then she would have exposed her head to the rain. "Never mind, Dick; kiss my hand," she said, flinging it down to him. "Now, good-bye." "Good-bye." He walked slowly away, turning and turning again to look at her till he was out of sight. During the retreat she said to herself, almost involuntarily, and still conscious of that morning's triumph--"I like Dick, and I love him; but how plain and sorry a man looks in the rain, with no umbrella, and wet through!" As he vanished, she made as if to descend from her seat; but glancing in the other direction she saw another form coming along the same track. It was also that of a man. He, too, was in black from top to toe; but he carried an umbrella. He drew nearer, and the direction of the rain caused him so to slant his umbrella that from her height above the ground his head was invisible, as she was also to him. He passed in due time directly beneath her, and in looking down upon the exterior of his umbrella her feminine eyes perceived it to be of superior silk--less common at that date than since--and of elegant make. He reached the entrance to the building, and Fancy suddenly lost sight of him. Instead of pursuing the roadway as Dick had done he had turned sharply round into her own porch. She jumped to the floor, hastily flung off her shawl and bonnet, smoothed and patted her hair till the curls hung in passable condition, and listened. No knock. Nearly a minute passed, and still there was no knock. Then there arose a soft series of raps, no louder than the tapping of a distant woodpecker, and barely distinct enough to reach her ears. She composed herself and flung open the door. In the porch stood Mr. Maybold. There was a warm flush upon his face, and a bright flash in his eyes, which made him look handsomer than she had ever seen him before. "Good-evening, Miss Day." "Good-evening, Mr. Maybold," she said, in a strange state of mind. She had noticed, beyond the ardent hue of his face, that his voice had a singular tremor in it, and that his hand shook like an aspen leaf when he laid his umbrella in the corner of the

far

How many times the word 'far' appears in the text?

Dewy." "Good-night, Mr. Day." Modest Dick's reply had faltered upon his tongue, and he turned away wondering at his presumption in asking for a woman whom he had seen from the beginning to be so superior to him. CHAPTER III: FANCY IN THE RAIN The next scene is a tempestuous afternoon in the following month, and Fancy Day is discovered walking from her father's home towards Mellstock. A single vast gray cloud covered the country, from which the small rain and mist had just begun to blow down in wavy sheets, alternately thick and thin. The trees of the fields and plantations writhed like miserable men as the air wound its way swiftly among them: the lowest portions of their trunks, that had hardly ever been known to move, were visibly rocked by the fiercer gusts, distressing the mind by its painful unwontedness, as when a strong man is seen to shed tears. Low-hanging boughs went up and down; high and erect boughs went to and fro; the blasts being so irregular, and divided into so many cross-currents, that neighbouring branches of the same tree swept the skies in independent motions, crossed each other, or became entangled. Across the open spaces flew flocks of green and yellowish leaves, which, after travelling a long distance from their parent trees, reached the ground, and lay there with their under-sides upward. As the rain and wind increased, and Fancy's bonnet-ribbons leapt more and more snappishly against her chin, she paused on entering Mellstock Lane to consider her latitude, and the distance to a place of shelter. The nearest house was Elizabeth Endorfield's, in Higher Mellstock, whose cottage and garden stood not far from the junction of that hamlet with the road she followed. Fancy hastened onward, and in five minutes entered a gate, which shed upon her toes a flood of water-drops as she opened it. "Come in, chiel!" a voice exclaimed, before Fancy had knocked: a promptness that would have surprised her had she not known that Mrs. Endorfield was an exceedingly and exceptionally sharp woman in the use of her eyes and ears. Fancy went in and sat down. Elizabeth was paring potatoes for her husband's supper. Scrape, scrape, scrape; then a toss, and splash went a potato into a bucket of water. Now, as Fancy listlessly noted these proceedings of the dame, she began to reconsider an old subject that lay uppermost in her heart. Since the interview between her father and Dick, the days had been melancholy days for her. Geoffrey's firm opposition to the notion of Dick as a son-in- law was more than she had expected. She had frequently seen her lover since that time, it is true, and had loved him more for the opposition than she would have otherwise dreamt of doing--which was a happiness of a certain kind. Yet, though love is thus an end in itself, it must be believed to be the means to another end if it is to assume the rosy hues of an unalloyed pleasure. And such a belief Fancy and Dick were emphatically denied just now. Elizabeth Endorfield had a repute among women which was in its nature something between distinction and notoriety. It was founded on the following items of character. She was shrewd and penetrating; her house stood in a lonely place; she never went to church; she wore a red cloak; she always retained her bonnet indoors and she had a pointed chin. Thus far her attributes were distinctly Satanic; and those who looked no further called her, in plain terms, a witch. But she was not gaunt, nor ugly in the upper part of her face, nor particularly strange in manner; so that, when her more intimate acquaintances spoke of her the term was softened, and she became simply a Deep Body, who was as long-headed as she was high. It may be stated that Elizabeth belonged to a class of suspects who were gradually losing their mysterious characteristics under the administration of the young vicar; though, during the long reign of Mr. Grinham, the parish of Mellstock had proved extremely favourable to the growth of witches. While Fancy was revolving all this in her mind, and putting it to herself whether it was worth while to tell her troubles to Elizabeth, and ask her advice in getting out of them, the witch spoke. "You be down--proper down," she said suddenly, dropping another potato into the bucket. Fancy took no notice. "About your young man." Fancy reddened. Elizabeth seemed to be watching her thoughts. Really, one would almost think she must have the powers people ascribed to her. "Father not in the humour for't, hey?" Another potato was finished and flung in. "Ah, I know about it. Little birds tell me things that people don't dream of my knowing." Fancy was desperate about Dick, and here was a chance--O, such a wicked chance--of getting help; and what was goodness beside love! "I wish you'd tell me how to put him in the humour for it?" she said. "That I could soon do," said the witch quietly. "Really? O, do; anyhow--I don't care--so that it is done! How could I do it, Mrs. Endorfield?" "Nothing so mighty wonderful in it." "Well, but how?" "By witchery, of course!" said Elizabeth. "No!" said Fancy. "'Tis, I assure ye. Didn't you ever hear I was a witch?" "Well," hesitated Fancy, "I have heard you called so." "And you believed it?" "I can't say that I did exactly believe it, for 'tis very horrible and wicked; but, O, how I do wish it was possible for you to be one!" "So I am. And I'll tell you how to bewitch your father to let you marry Dick Dewy." "Will it hurt him, poor thing?" "Hurt who?" "Father." "No; the charm is worked by common sense, and the spell can only be broke by your acting stupidly." Fancy looked rather perplexed, and Elizabeth went on: "This fear of Lizz--whatever 'tis-- By great and small; She makes pretence to common sense, And that's all. "You must do it like this." The witch laid down her knife and potato, and then poured into Fancy's ear a long and detailed list of directions, glancing up from the corner of her eye into Fancy's face with an expression of sinister humour. Fancy's face brightened, clouded, rose and sank, as the narrative proceeded. "There," said Elizabeth at length, stooping for the knife and another potato, "do that, and you'll have him by-long and by-late, my dear." "And do it I will!" said Fancy. She then turned her attention to the external world once more. The rain continued as usual, but the wind had abated considerably during the discourse. Judging that it was now possible to keep an umbrella erect, she pulled her hood again over her bonnet, bade the witch good-bye, and went her way. CHAPTER IV: THE SPELL Mrs. Endorfield's advice was duly followed. "I be proper sorry that your daughter isn't so well as she might be," said a Mellstock man to Geoffrey one morning. "But is there anything in it?" said Geoffrey uneasily, as he shifted his hat to the right. "I can't understand the report. She didn't complain to me a bit when I saw her." "No appetite at all, they say." Geoffrey crossed to Mellstock and called at the school that afternoon. Fancy welcomed him as usual, and asked him to stay and take tea with her. "I be'n't much for tea, this time o' day," he said, but stayed. During the meal he watched her narrowly. And to his great consternation discovered the following unprecedented change in the healthy girl--that she cut herself only a diaphanous slice of bread-and-butter, and, laying it on her plate, passed the meal-time in breaking it into pieces, but eating no more than about one-tenth of the slice. Geoffrey hoped she would say something about Dick, and finish up by weeping, as she had done after the decision against him a few days subsequent to the interview in the garden. But nothing was said, and in due time Geoffrey departed again for Yalbury Wood. "'Tis to be hoped poor Miss Fancy will be able to keep on her school," said Geoffrey's man Enoch to Geoffrey the following week, as they were shovelling up ant-hills in the wood. Geoffrey stuck in the shovel, swept seven or eight ants from his sleeve, and killed another that was prowling round his ear, then looked perpendicularly into the earth as usual, waiting for Enoch to say more. "Well, why shouldn't she?" said the keeper at last. "The baker told me yesterday," continued Enoch, shaking out another emmet that had run merrily up his thigh, "that the bread he've left at that there school-house this last month would starve any mouse in the three creations; that 'twould so! And afterwards I had a pint o' small down at Morrs's, and there I heard more." "What might that ha' been?" "That she used to have a pound o' the best rolled butter a week, regular as clockwork, from Dairyman Viney's for herself, as well as just so much salted for the helping girl, and the 'ooman she calls in; but now the same quantity d'last her three weeks, and then 'tis thoughted she throws it away sour." "Finish doing the emmets, and carry the bag home-along." The keeper resumed his gun, tucked it under his arm, and went on without whistling to the dogs, who however followed, with a bearing meant to imply that they did not expect any such attentions when their master was reflecting. On Saturday morning a note came from Fancy. He was not to trouble about sending her the couple of rabbits, as was intended, because she feared she should not want them. Later in the day Geoffrey went to Casterbridge and called upon the butcher who served Fancy with fresh meat, which was put down to her father's account. "I've called to pay up our little bill, Neighbour Haylock, and you can gie me the chiel's account at the same time." Mr. Haylock turned round three quarters of a circle in the midst of a heap of joints, altered the expression of his face from meat to money, went into a little office consisting only of a door and a window, looked very vigorously into a book which possessed length but no breadth; and then, seizing a piece of paper and scribbling thereupon, handed the bill. Probably it was the first time in the history of commercial transactions that the quality of shortness in a butcher's bill was a cause of tribulation to the debtor. "Why, this isn't all she've had in a whole month!" said Geoffrey. "Every mossel," said the butcher--"(now, Dan, take that leg and shoulder to Mrs. White's, and this eleven pound here to Mr. Martin's)--you've been treating her to smaller joints lately, to my thinking, Mr. Day?" "Only two or three little scram rabbits this last week, as I am alive--I wish I had!" "Well, my wife said to me--(Dan! not too much, not too much on that tray at a time; better go twice)--my wife said to me as she posted up the books: she says, 'Miss Day must have been affronted this summer during that hot muggy weather that spolit so much for us; for depend upon't,' she says, 'she've been trying John Grimmett unknown to us: see her account else.' 'Tis little, of course, at the best of times, being only for one, but now 'tis next kin to nothing." "I'll inquire," said Geoffrey despondingly. He returned by way of Mellstock, and called upon Fancy, in fulfilment of a promise. It being Saturday, the children were enjoying a holiday, and on entering the residence Fancy was nowhere to be seen. Nan, the charwoman, was sweeping the kitchen. "Where's my da'ter?" said the keeper. "Well, you see she was tired with the week's teaching, and this morning she said, 'Nan, I sha'n't get up till the evening.' You see, Mr. Day, if people don't eat, they can't work; and as she've gie'd up eating, she must gie up working." "Have ye carried up any dinner to her?" "No; she don't want any. There, we all know that such things don't come without good reason--not that I wish to say anything about a broken heart, or anything of the kind." Geoffrey's own heart felt inconveniently large just then. He went to the staircase and ascended to his daughter's door. "Fancy!" "Come in, father." To see a person in bed from any cause whatever, on a fine afternoon, is depressing enough; and here was his only child Fancy, not only in bed, but looking very pale. Geoffrey was visibly disturbed. "Fancy, I didn't expect to see thee here, chiel," he said. "What's the matter?" "I'm not well, father." "How's that?" "Because I think of things." "What things can you have to think o' so mortal much?" "You know, father." "You think I've been cruel to thee in saying that that penniless Dick o' thine sha'n't marry thee, I suppose?" No answer. "Well, you know, Fancy, I do it for the best, and he isn't good enough for thee. You know that well enough." Here he again looked at her as she lay. "Well, Fancy, I can't let my only chiel die; and if you can't live without en, you must ha' en, I suppose." "O, I don't want him like that; all against your will, and everything so disobedient!" sighed the invalid. "No, no, 'tisn't against my will. My wish is, now I d'see how 'tis hurten thee to live without en, that he shall marry thee as soon as we've considered a little. That's my wish flat and plain, Fancy. There, never cry, my little maid! You ought to ha' cried afore; no need o' crying now 'tis all over. Well, howsoever, try to step over and see me and mother- law to-morrow, and ha' a bit of dinner wi' us." "And--Dick too?" "Ay, Dick too, 'far's I know." "And when do you think you'll have considered, father, and he may marry me?" she coaxed. "Well, there, say next Midsummer; that's not a day too long to wait." On leaving the school Geoffrey went to the tranter's. Old William opened the door. "Is your grandson Dick in 'ithin, William?" "No, not just now, Mr. Day. Though he've been at home a good deal lately." "O, how's that?" "What wi' one thing, and what wi' t'other, he's all in a mope, as might be said. Don't seem the feller he used to. Ay, 'a will sit studding and thinking as if 'a were going to turn chapel-member, and then do nothing but traypse and wamble about. Used to be such a chatty boy, too, Dick did; and now 'a don't speak at all. But won't ye step inside? Reuben will be home soon, 'a b'lieve." "No, thank you, I can't stay now. Will ye just ask Dick if he'll do me the kindness to step over to Yalbury to-morrow with my da'ter Fancy, if she's well enough? I don't like her to come by herself, now she's not so terrible topping in health." "So I've heard. Ay, sure, I'll tell him without fail." CHAPTER V: AFTER GAINING HER POINT The visit to Geoffrey passed off as delightfully as a visit might have been expected to pass off when it was the first day of smooth experience in a hitherto obstructed love-course. And then came a series of several happy days, of the same undisturbed serenity. Dick could court her when he chose; stay away when he chose,--which was never; walk with her by winding streams and waterfalls and autumn scenery till dews and twilight sent them home. And thus they drew near the day of the Harvest Thanksgiving, which was also the time chosen for opening the organ in Mellstock Church. It chanced that Dick on that very day was called away from Mellstock. A young acquaintance had died of consumption at Charmley, a neighbouring village, on the previous Monday, and Dick, in fulfilment of a long-standing promise, was to assist in carrying him to the grave. When on Tuesday, Dick went towards the school to acquaint Fancy with the fact, it is difficult to say whether his own disappointment at being denied the sight of her triumphant debut as organist, was greater than his vexation that his pet should on this great occasion be deprived of the pleasure of his presence. However, the intelligence was communicated. She bore it as she best could, not without many expressions of regret, and convictions that her performance would be nothing to her now. Just before eleven o'clock on Sunday he set out upon his sad errand. The funeral was to be immediately after the morning service, and as there were four good miles to walk, driving being inconvenient, it became necessary to start comparatively early. Half an hour later would certainly have answered his purpose quite as well, yet at the last moment nothing would content his ardent mind but that he must go a mile out of his way in the direction of the school, in the hope of getting a glimpse of his Love as she started for church. Striking, therefore, into the lane towards the school, instead of across the ewelease direct to Charmley, he arrived opposite her door as his goddess emerged. If ever a woman looked a divinity, Fancy Day appeared one that morning as she floated down those school steps, in the form of a nebulous collection of colours inclining to blue. With an audacity unparalleled in the whole history of village-school-mistresses at this date--partly owing, no doubt, to papa's respectable accumulation of cash, which rendered her profession not altogether one of necessity--she had actually donned a hat and feather, and lowered her hitherto plainly looped-up hair, which now fell about her shoulders in a profusion of curls. Poor Dick was astonished: he had never seen her look so distractingly beautiful before, save on Christmas-eve, when her hair was in the same luxuriant condition of freedom. But his first burst of delighted surprise was followed by less comfortable feelings, as soon as his brain recovered its power to think. Fancy had blushed;--was it with confusion? She had also involuntarily pressed back her curls. She had not expected him. "Fancy, you didn't know me for a moment in my funeral clothes, did you?" "Good-morning, Dick--no, really, I didn't know you for an instant in such a sad suit." He looked again at the gay tresses and hat. "You've never dressed so charming before, dearest." "I like to hear you praise me in that way, Dick," she said, smiling archly. "It is meat and drink to a woman. Do I look nice really?" "Fie! you know it. Did you remember,--I mean didn't you remember about my going away to-day?" "Well, yes, I did, Dick; but, you know, I wanted to look well;--forgive me." "Yes, darling; yes, of course,--there's nothing to forgive. No, I was only thinking that when we talked on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday and Friday about my absence to-day, and I was so sorry for it, you said, Fancy, so were you sorry, and almost cried, and said it would be no pleasure to you to be the attraction of the church to-day, since I could not be there." "My dear one, neither will it be so much pleasure to me . . . But I do take a little delight in my life, I suppose," she pouted. "Apart from mine?" She looked at him with perplexed eyes. "I know you are vexed with me, Dick, and it is because the first Sunday I have curls and a hat and feather since I have been here happens to be the very day you are away and won't be with me. Yes, say it is, for that is it! And you think that all this week I ought to have remembered you wouldn't be here to- day, and not have cared to be better dressed than usual. Yes, you do, Dick, and it is rather unkind!" "No, no," said Dick earnestly and simply, "I didn't think so badly of you as that. I only thought that--if you had been going away, I shouldn't have tried new attractions for the eyes of other people. But then of course you and I are different, naturally." "Well, perhaps we are." "Whatever will the vicar say, Fancy?" "I don't fear what he says in the least!" she answered proudly. "But he won't say anything of the sort you think. No, no." "He can hardly have conscience to, indeed." "Now come, you say, Dick, that you quite forgive me, for I must go," she said with sudden gaiety, and skipped backwards into the porch. "Come here, sir;--say you forgive me, and then you shall kiss me;--you never have yet when I have worn curls, you know. Yes, just where you want to so much,--yes, you may!" Dick followed her into the inner corner, where he was probably not slow in availing himself of the privilege offered. "Now that's a treat for you, isn't it?" she continued. "Good-bye, or I shall be late. Come and see me to-morrow: you'll be tired to-night." Thus they parted, and Fancy proceeded to the church. The organ stood on one side of the chancel, close to and under the immediate eye of the vicar when he was in the pulpit, and also in full view of the congregation. Here she sat down, for the first time in such a conspicuous position, her seat having previously been in a remote spot in the aisle. "Good heavens--disgraceful! Curls and a hat and feather!" said the daughters of the small gentry, who had either only curly hair without a hat and feather, or a hat and feather without curly hair. "A bonnet for church always," said sober matrons. That Mr. Maybold was conscious of her presence close beside him during the sermon; that he was not at all angry at her development of costume; that he admired her, she perceived. But she did not see that he loved her during that sermon-time as he had never loved a woman before; that her proximity was a strange delight to him; and that he gloried in her musical success that morning in a spirit quite beyond a mere cleric's glory at the inauguration of a new order of things. The old choir, with humbled hearts, no longer took their seats in the gallery as heretofore (which was now given up to the school-children who were not singers, and a pupil-teacher), but were scattered about with their wives in different parts of the church. Having nothing to do with conducting the service for almost the first time in their lives, they all felt awkward, out of place, abashed, and inconvenienced by their hands. The tranter had proposed that they should stay away to-day and go nutting, but grandfather William would not hear of such a thing for a moment. "No," he replied reproachfully, and quoted a verse: "Though this has come upon us, let not our hearts be turned back, or our steps go out of the way." So they stood and watched the curls of hair trailing down the back of the successful rival, and the waving of her feather, as she swayed her head. After a few timid notes and uncertain touches her playing became markedly correct, and towards the end full and free. But, whether from prejudice or unbiassed judgment, the venerable body of musicians could not help thinking that the simpler notes they had been wont to bring forth were more in keeping with the simplicity of their old church than the crowded chords and interludes it was her pleasure to produce. CHAPTER VI: INTO TEMPTATION The day was done, and Fancy was again in the school-house. About five o'clock it began to rain, and in rather a dull frame of mind she wandered into the schoolroom, for want of something better to do. She was thinking--of her lover Dick Dewy? Not precisely. Of how weary she was of living alone: how unbearable it would be to return to Yalbury under the rule of her strange-tempered step-mother; that it was far better to be married to anybody than do that; that eight or nine long months had yet to be lived through ere the wedding could take place. At the side of the room were high windows of Ham-hill stone, upon either sill of which she could sit by first mounting a desk and using it as a footstool. As the evening advanced here she perched herself, as was her custom on such wet and gloomy occasions, put on a light shawl and bonnet, opened the window, and looked out at the rain. The window overlooked a field called the Grove, and it was the position from which she used to survey the crown of Dick's passing hat in the early days of their acquaintance and meetings. Not a living soul was now visible anywhere; the rain kept all people indoors who were not forced abroad by necessity, and necessity was less importunate on Sundays than during the week. Sitting here and thinking again--of her lover, or of the sensation she had created at church that day?--well, it is unknown--thinking and thinking she saw a dark masculine figure arising into distinctness at the further end of the Grove--a man without an umbrella. Nearer and nearer he came, and she perceived that he was in deep mourning, and then that it was Dick. Yes, in the fondness and foolishness of his young heart, after walking four miles, in a drizzling rain without overcoat or umbrella, and in face of a remark from his love that he was not to come because he would be tired, he had made it his business to wander this mile out of his way again, from sheer wish of spending ten minutes in her presence. "O Dick, how wet you are!" she said, as he drew up under the window. "Why, your coat shines as if it had been varnished, and your hat--my goodness, there's a streaming hat!" "O, I don't mind, darling!" said Dick cheerfully. "Wet never hurts me, though I am rather sorry for my best clothes. However, it couldn't be helped; we lent all the umbrellas to the women. I don't know when I shall get mine back!" "And look, there's a nasty patch of something just on your shoulder." "Ah, that's japanning; it rubbed off the clamps of poor Jack's coffin when we lowered him from our shoulders upon the bier! I don't care about that, for 'twas the last deed I could do for him; and 'tis hard if you can't afford a coat for an old friend." Fancy put her hand to her mouth for half a minute. Underneath the palm of that little hand there existed for that half-minute a little yawn. "Dick, I don't like you to stand there in the wet. And you mustn't sit down. Go home and change your things. Don't stay another minute." "One kiss after coming so far," he pleaded. "If I can reach, then." He looked rather disappointed at not being invited round to the door. She twisted from her seated position and bent herself downwards, but not even by standing on the plinth was it possible for Dick to get his lips into contact with hers as she held them. By great exertion she might have reached a little lower; but then she would have exposed her head to the rain. "Never mind, Dick; kiss my hand," she said, flinging it down to him. "Now, good-bye." "Good-bye." He walked slowly away, turning and turning again to look at her till he was out of sight. During the retreat she said to herself, almost involuntarily, and still conscious of that morning's triumph--"I like Dick, and I love him; but how plain and sorry a man looks in the rain, with no umbrella, and wet through!" As he vanished, she made as if to descend from her seat; but glancing in the other direction she saw another form coming along the same track. It was also that of a man. He, too, was in black from top to toe; but he carried an umbrella. He drew nearer, and the direction of the rain caused him so to slant his umbrella that from her height above the ground his head was invisible, as she was also to him. He passed in due time directly beneath her, and in looking down upon the exterior of his umbrella her feminine eyes perceived it to be of superior silk--less common at that date than since--and of elegant make. He reached the entrance to the building, and Fancy suddenly lost sight of him. Instead of pursuing the roadway as Dick had done he had turned sharply round into her own porch. She jumped to the floor, hastily flung off her shawl and bonnet, smoothed and patted her hair till the curls hung in passable condition, and listened. No knock. Nearly a minute passed, and still there was no knock. Then there arose a soft series of raps, no louder than the tapping of a distant woodpecker, and barely distinct enough to reach her ears. She composed herself and flung open the door. In the porch stood Mr. Maybold. There was a warm flush upon his face, and a bright flash in his eyes, which made him look handsomer than she had ever seen him before. "Good-evening, Miss Day." "Good-evening, Mr. Maybold," she said, in a strange state of mind. She had noticed, beyond the ardent hue of his face, that his voice had a singular tremor in it, and that his hand shook like an aspen leaf when he laid his umbrella in the corner of the

accused

How many times the word 'accused' appears in the text?

Dewy." "Good-night, Mr. Day." Modest Dick's reply had faltered upon his tongue, and he turned away wondering at his presumption in asking for a woman whom he had seen from the beginning to be so superior to him. CHAPTER III: FANCY IN THE RAIN The next scene is a tempestuous afternoon in the following month, and Fancy Day is discovered walking from her father's home towards Mellstock. A single vast gray cloud covered the country, from which the small rain and mist had just begun to blow down in wavy sheets, alternately thick and thin. The trees of the fields and plantations writhed like miserable men as the air wound its way swiftly among them: the lowest portions of their trunks, that had hardly ever been known to move, were visibly rocked by the fiercer gusts, distressing the mind by its painful unwontedness, as when a strong man is seen to shed tears. Low-hanging boughs went up and down; high and erect boughs went to and fro; the blasts being so irregular, and divided into so many cross-currents, that neighbouring branches of the same tree swept the skies in independent motions, crossed each other, or became entangled. Across the open spaces flew flocks of green and yellowish leaves, which, after travelling a long distance from their parent trees, reached the ground, and lay there with their under-sides upward. As the rain and wind increased, and Fancy's bonnet-ribbons leapt more and more snappishly against her chin, she paused on entering Mellstock Lane to consider her latitude, and the distance to a place of shelter. The nearest house was Elizabeth Endorfield's, in Higher Mellstock, whose cottage and garden stood not far from the junction of that hamlet with the road she followed. Fancy hastened onward, and in five minutes entered a gate, which shed upon her toes a flood of water-drops as she opened it. "Come in, chiel!" a voice exclaimed, before Fancy had knocked: a promptness that would have surprised her had she not known that Mrs. Endorfield was an exceedingly and exceptionally sharp woman in the use of her eyes and ears. Fancy went in and sat down. Elizabeth was paring potatoes for her husband's supper. Scrape, scrape, scrape; then a toss, and splash went a potato into a bucket of water. Now, as Fancy listlessly noted these proceedings of the dame, she began to reconsider an old subject that lay uppermost in her heart. Since the interview between her father and Dick, the days had been melancholy days for her. Geoffrey's firm opposition to the notion of Dick as a son-in- law was more than she had expected. She had frequently seen her lover since that time, it is true, and had loved him more for the opposition than she would have otherwise dreamt of doing--which was a happiness of a certain kind. Yet, though love is thus an end in itself, it must be believed to be the means to another end if it is to assume the rosy hues of an unalloyed pleasure. And such a belief Fancy and Dick were emphatically denied just now. Elizabeth Endorfield had a repute among women which was in its nature something between distinction and notoriety. It was founded on the following items of character. She was shrewd and penetrating; her house stood in a lonely place; she never went to church; she wore a red cloak; she always retained her bonnet indoors and she had a pointed chin. Thus far her attributes were distinctly Satanic; and those who looked no further called her, in plain terms, a witch. But she was not gaunt, nor ugly in the upper part of her face, nor particularly strange in manner; so that, when her more intimate acquaintances spoke of her the term was softened, and she became simply a Deep Body, who was as long-headed as she was high. It may be stated that Elizabeth belonged to a class of suspects who were gradually losing their mysterious characteristics under the administration of the young vicar; though, during the long reign of Mr. Grinham, the parish of Mellstock had proved extremely favourable to the growth of witches. While Fancy was revolving all this in her mind, and putting it to herself whether it was worth while to tell her troubles to Elizabeth, and ask her advice in getting out of them, the witch spoke. "You be down--proper down," she said suddenly, dropping another potato into the bucket. Fancy took no notice. "About your young man." Fancy reddened. Elizabeth seemed to be watching her thoughts. Really, one would almost think she must have the powers people ascribed to her. "Father not in the humour for't, hey?" Another potato was finished and flung in. "Ah, I know about it. Little birds tell me things that people don't dream of my knowing." Fancy was desperate about Dick, and here was a chance--O, such a wicked chance--of getting help; and what was goodness beside love! "I wish you'd tell me how to put him in the humour for it?" she said. "That I could soon do," said the witch quietly. "Really? O, do; anyhow--I don't care--so that it is done! How could I do it, Mrs. Endorfield?" "Nothing so mighty wonderful in it." "Well, but how?" "By witchery, of course!" said Elizabeth. "No!" said Fancy. "'Tis, I assure ye. Didn't you ever hear I was a witch?" "Well," hesitated Fancy, "I have heard you called so." "And you believed it?" "I can't say that I did exactly believe it, for 'tis very horrible and wicked; but, O, how I do wish it was possible for you to be one!" "So I am. And I'll tell you how to bewitch your father to let you marry Dick Dewy." "Will it hurt him, poor thing?" "Hurt who?" "Father." "No; the charm is worked by common sense, and the spell can only be broke by your acting stupidly." Fancy looked rather perplexed, and Elizabeth went on: "This fear of Lizz--whatever 'tis-- By great and small; She makes pretence to common sense, And that's all. "You must do it like this." The witch laid down her knife and potato, and then poured into Fancy's ear a long and detailed list of directions, glancing up from the corner of her eye into Fancy's face with an expression of sinister humour. Fancy's face brightened, clouded, rose and sank, as the narrative proceeded. "There," said Elizabeth at length, stooping for the knife and another potato, "do that, and you'll have him by-long and by-late, my dear." "And do it I will!" said Fancy. She then turned her attention to the external world once more. The rain continued as usual, but the wind had abated considerably during the discourse. Judging that it was now possible to keep an umbrella erect, she pulled her hood again over her bonnet, bade the witch good-bye, and went her way. CHAPTER IV: THE SPELL Mrs. Endorfield's advice was duly followed. "I be proper sorry that your daughter isn't so well as she might be," said a Mellstock man to Geoffrey one morning. "But is there anything in it?" said Geoffrey uneasily, as he shifted his hat to the right. "I can't understand the report. She didn't complain to me a bit when I saw her." "No appetite at all, they say." Geoffrey crossed to Mellstock and called at the school that afternoon. Fancy welcomed him as usual, and asked him to stay and take tea with her. "I be'n't much for tea, this time o' day," he said, but stayed. During the meal he watched her narrowly. And to his great consternation discovered the following unprecedented change in the healthy girl--that she cut herself only a diaphanous slice of bread-and-butter, and, laying it on her plate, passed the meal-time in breaking it into pieces, but eating no more than about one-tenth of the slice. Geoffrey hoped she would say something about Dick, and finish up by weeping, as she had done after the decision against him a few days subsequent to the interview in the garden. But nothing was said, and in due time Geoffrey departed again for Yalbury Wood. "'Tis to be hoped poor Miss Fancy will be able to keep on her school," said Geoffrey's man Enoch to Geoffrey the following week, as they were shovelling up ant-hills in the wood. Geoffrey stuck in the shovel, swept seven or eight ants from his sleeve, and killed another that was prowling round his ear, then looked perpendicularly into the earth as usual, waiting for Enoch to say more. "Well, why shouldn't she?" said the keeper at last. "The baker told me yesterday," continued Enoch, shaking out another emmet that had run merrily up his thigh, "that the bread he've left at that there school-house this last month would starve any mouse in the three creations; that 'twould so! And afterwards I had a pint o' small down at Morrs's, and there I heard more." "What might that ha' been?" "That she used to have a pound o' the best rolled butter a week, regular as clockwork, from Dairyman Viney's for herself, as well as just so much salted for the helping girl, and the 'ooman she calls in; but now the same quantity d'last her three weeks, and then 'tis thoughted she throws it away sour." "Finish doing the emmets, and carry the bag home-along." The keeper resumed his gun, tucked it under his arm, and went on without whistling to the dogs, who however followed, with a bearing meant to imply that they did not expect any such attentions when their master was reflecting. On Saturday morning a note came from Fancy. He was not to trouble about sending her the couple of rabbits, as was intended, because she feared she should not want them. Later in the day Geoffrey went to Casterbridge and called upon the butcher who served Fancy with fresh meat, which was put down to her father's account. "I've called to pay up our little bill, Neighbour Haylock, and you can gie me the chiel's account at the same time." Mr. Haylock turned round three quarters of a circle in the midst of a heap of joints, altered the expression of his face from meat to money, went into a little office consisting only of a door and a window, looked very vigorously into a book which possessed length but no breadth; and then, seizing a piece of paper and scribbling thereupon, handed the bill. Probably it was the first time in the history of commercial transactions that the quality of shortness in a butcher's bill was a cause of tribulation to the debtor. "Why, this isn't all she've had in a whole month!" said Geoffrey. "Every mossel," said the butcher--"(now, Dan, take that leg and shoulder to Mrs. White's, and this eleven pound here to Mr. Martin's)--you've been treating her to smaller joints lately, to my thinking, Mr. Day?" "Only two or three little scram rabbits this last week, as I am alive--I wish I had!" "Well, my wife said to me--(Dan! not too much, not too much on that tray at a time; better go twice)--my wife said to me as she posted up the books: she says, 'Miss Day must have been affronted this summer during that hot muggy weather that spolit so much for us; for depend upon't,' she says, 'she've been trying John Grimmett unknown to us: see her account else.' 'Tis little, of course, at the best of times, being only for one, but now 'tis next kin to nothing." "I'll inquire," said Geoffrey despondingly. He returned by way of Mellstock, and called upon Fancy, in fulfilment of a promise. It being Saturday, the children were enjoying a holiday, and on entering the residence Fancy was nowhere to be seen. Nan, the charwoman, was sweeping the kitchen. "Where's my da'ter?" said the keeper. "Well, you see she was tired with the week's teaching, and this morning she said, 'Nan, I sha'n't get up till the evening.' You see, Mr. Day, if people don't eat, they can't work; and as she've gie'd up eating, she must gie up working." "Have ye carried up any dinner to her?" "No; she don't want any. There, we all know that such things don't come without good reason--not that I wish to say anything about a broken heart, or anything of the kind." Geoffrey's own heart felt inconveniently large just then. He went to the staircase and ascended to his daughter's door. "Fancy!" "Come in, father." To see a person in bed from any cause whatever, on a fine afternoon, is depressing enough; and here was his only child Fancy, not only in bed, but looking very pale. Geoffrey was visibly disturbed. "Fancy, I didn't expect to see thee here, chiel," he said. "What's the matter?" "I'm not well, father." "How's that?" "Because I think of things." "What things can you have to think o' so mortal much?" "You know, father." "You think I've been cruel to thee in saying that that penniless Dick o' thine sha'n't marry thee, I suppose?" No answer. "Well, you know, Fancy, I do it for the best, and he isn't good enough for thee. You know that well enough." Here he again looked at her as she lay. "Well, Fancy, I can't let my only chiel die; and if you can't live without en, you must ha' en, I suppose." "O, I don't want him like that; all against your will, and everything so disobedient!" sighed the invalid. "No, no, 'tisn't against my will. My wish is, now I d'see how 'tis hurten thee to live without en, that he shall marry thee as soon as we've considered a little. That's my wish flat and plain, Fancy. There, never cry, my little maid! You ought to ha' cried afore; no need o' crying now 'tis all over. Well, howsoever, try to step over and see me and mother- law to-morrow, and ha' a bit of dinner wi' us." "And--Dick too?" "Ay, Dick too, 'far's I know." "And when do you think you'll have considered, father, and he may marry me?" she coaxed. "Well, there, say next Midsummer; that's not a day too long to wait." On leaving the school Geoffrey went to the tranter's. Old William opened the door. "Is your grandson Dick in 'ithin, William?" "No, not just now, Mr. Day. Though he've been at home a good deal lately." "O, how's that?" "What wi' one thing, and what wi' t'other, he's all in a mope, as might be said. Don't seem the feller he used to. Ay, 'a will sit studding and thinking as if 'a were going to turn chapel-member, and then do nothing but traypse and wamble about. Used to be such a chatty boy, too, Dick did; and now 'a don't speak at all. But won't ye step inside? Reuben will be home soon, 'a b'lieve." "No, thank you, I can't stay now. Will ye just ask Dick if he'll do me the kindness to step over to Yalbury to-morrow with my da'ter Fancy, if she's well enough? I don't like her to come by herself, now she's not so terrible topping in health." "So I've heard. Ay, sure, I'll tell him without fail." CHAPTER V: AFTER GAINING HER POINT The visit to Geoffrey passed off as delightfully as a visit might have been expected to pass off when it was the first day of smooth experience in a hitherto obstructed love-course. And then came a series of several happy days, of the same undisturbed serenity. Dick could court her when he chose; stay away when he chose,--which was never; walk with her by winding streams and waterfalls and autumn scenery till dews and twilight sent them home. And thus they drew near the day of the Harvest Thanksgiving, which was also the time chosen for opening the organ in Mellstock Church. It chanced that Dick on that very day was called away from Mellstock. A young acquaintance had died of consumption at Charmley, a neighbouring village, on the previous Monday, and Dick, in fulfilment of a long-standing promise, was to assist in carrying him to the grave. When on Tuesday, Dick went towards the school to acquaint Fancy with the fact, it is difficult to say whether his own disappointment at being denied the sight of her triumphant debut as organist, was greater than his vexation that his pet should on this great occasion be deprived of the pleasure of his presence. However, the intelligence was communicated. She bore it as she best could, not without many expressions of regret, and convictions that her performance would be nothing to her now. Just before eleven o'clock on Sunday he set out upon his sad errand. The funeral was to be immediately after the morning service, and as there were four good miles to walk, driving being inconvenient, it became necessary to start comparatively early. Half an hour later would certainly have answered his purpose quite as well, yet at the last moment nothing would content his ardent mind but that he must go a mile out of his way in the direction of the school, in the hope of getting a glimpse of his Love as she started for church. Striking, therefore, into the lane towards the school, instead of across the ewelease direct to Charmley, he arrived opposite her door as his goddess emerged. If ever a woman looked a divinity, Fancy Day appeared one that morning as she floated down those school steps, in the form of a nebulous collection of colours inclining to blue. With an audacity unparalleled in the whole history of village-school-mistresses at this date--partly owing, no doubt, to papa's respectable accumulation of cash, which rendered her profession not altogether one of necessity--she had actually donned a hat and feather, and lowered her hitherto plainly looped-up hair, which now fell about her shoulders in a profusion of curls. Poor Dick was astonished: he had never seen her look so distractingly beautiful before, save on Christmas-eve, when her hair was in the same luxuriant condition of freedom. But his first burst of delighted surprise was followed by less comfortable feelings, as soon as his brain recovered its power to think. Fancy had blushed;--was it with confusion? She had also involuntarily pressed back her curls. She had not expected him. "Fancy, you didn't know me for a moment in my funeral clothes, did you?" "Good-morning, Dick--no, really, I didn't know you for an instant in such a sad suit." He looked again at the gay tresses and hat. "You've never dressed so charming before, dearest." "I like to hear you praise me in that way, Dick," she said, smiling archly. "It is meat and drink to a woman. Do I look nice really?" "Fie! you know it. Did you remember,--I mean didn't you remember about my going away to-day?" "Well, yes, I did, Dick; but, you know, I wanted to look well;--forgive me." "Yes, darling; yes, of course,--there's nothing to forgive. No, I was only thinking that when we talked on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday and Friday about my absence to-day, and I was so sorry for it, you said, Fancy, so were you sorry, and almost cried, and said it would be no pleasure to you to be the attraction of the church to-day, since I could not be there." "My dear one, neither will it be so much pleasure to me . . . But I do take a little delight in my life, I suppose," she pouted. "Apart from mine?" She looked at him with perplexed eyes. "I know you are vexed with me, Dick, and it is because the first Sunday I have curls and a hat and feather since I have been here happens to be the very day you are away and won't be with me. Yes, say it is, for that is it! And you think that all this week I ought to have remembered you wouldn't be here to- day, and not have cared to be better dressed than usual. Yes, you do, Dick, and it is rather unkind!" "No, no," said Dick earnestly and simply, "I didn't think so badly of you as that. I only thought that--if you had been going away, I shouldn't have tried new attractions for the eyes of other people. But then of course you and I are different, naturally." "Well, perhaps we are." "Whatever will the vicar say, Fancy?" "I don't fear what he says in the least!" she answered proudly. "But he won't say anything of the sort you think. No, no." "He can hardly have conscience to, indeed." "Now come, you say, Dick, that you quite forgive me, for I must go," she said with sudden gaiety, and skipped backwards into the porch. "Come here, sir;--say you forgive me, and then you shall kiss me;--you never have yet when I have worn curls, you know. Yes, just where you want to so much,--yes, you may!" Dick followed her into the inner corner, where he was probably not slow in availing himself of the privilege offered. "Now that's a treat for you, isn't it?" she continued. "Good-bye, or I shall be late. Come and see me to-morrow: you'll be tired to-night." Thus they parted, and Fancy proceeded to the church. The organ stood on one side of the chancel, close to and under the immediate eye of the vicar when he was in the pulpit, and also in full view of the congregation. Here she sat down, for the first time in such a conspicuous position, her seat having previously been in a remote spot in the aisle. "Good heavens--disgraceful! Curls and a hat and feather!" said the daughters of the small gentry, who had either only curly hair without a hat and feather, or a hat and feather without curly hair. "A bonnet for church always," said sober matrons. That Mr. Maybold was conscious of her presence close beside him during the sermon; that he was not at all angry at her development of costume; that he admired her, she perceived. But she did not see that he loved her during that sermon-time as he had never loved a woman before; that her proximity was a strange delight to him; and that he gloried in her musical success that morning in a spirit quite beyond a mere cleric's glory at the inauguration of a new order of things. The old choir, with humbled hearts, no longer took their seats in the gallery as heretofore (which was now given up to the school-children who were not singers, and a pupil-teacher), but were scattered about with their wives in different parts of the church. Having nothing to do with conducting the service for almost the first time in their lives, they all felt awkward, out of place, abashed, and inconvenienced by their hands. The tranter had proposed that they should stay away to-day and go nutting, but grandfather William would not hear of such a thing for a moment. "No," he replied reproachfully, and quoted a verse: "Though this has come upon us, let not our hearts be turned back, or our steps go out of the way." So they stood and watched the curls of hair trailing down the back of the successful rival, and the waving of her feather, as she swayed her head. After a few timid notes and uncertain touches her playing became markedly correct, and towards the end full and free. But, whether from prejudice or unbiassed judgment, the venerable body of musicians could not help thinking that the simpler notes they had been wont to bring forth were more in keeping with the simplicity of their old church than the crowded chords and interludes it was her pleasure to produce. CHAPTER VI: INTO TEMPTATION The day was done, and Fancy was again in the school-house. About five o'clock it began to rain, and in rather a dull frame of mind she wandered into the schoolroom, for want of something better to do. She was thinking--of her lover Dick Dewy? Not precisely. Of how weary she was of living alone: how unbearable it would be to return to Yalbury under the rule of her strange-tempered step-mother; that it was far better to be married to anybody than do that; that eight or nine long months had yet to be lived through ere the wedding could take place. At the side of the room were high windows of Ham-hill stone, upon either sill of which she could sit by first mounting a desk and using it as a footstool. As the evening advanced here she perched herself, as was her custom on such wet and gloomy occasions, put on a light shawl and bonnet, opened the window, and looked out at the rain. The window overlooked a field called the Grove, and it was the position from which she used to survey the crown of Dick's passing hat in the early days of their acquaintance and meetings. Not a living soul was now visible anywhere; the rain kept all people indoors who were not forced abroad by necessity, and necessity was less importunate on Sundays than during the week. Sitting here and thinking again--of her lover, or of the sensation she had created at church that day?--well, it is unknown--thinking and thinking she saw a dark masculine figure arising into distinctness at the further end of the Grove--a man without an umbrella. Nearer and nearer he came, and she perceived that he was in deep mourning, and then that it was Dick. Yes, in the fondness and foolishness of his young heart, after walking four miles, in a drizzling rain without overcoat or umbrella, and in face of a remark from his love that he was not to come because he would be tired, he had made it his business to wander this mile out of his way again, from sheer wish of spending ten minutes in her presence. "O Dick, how wet you are!" she said, as he drew up under the window. "Why, your coat shines as if it had been varnished, and your hat--my goodness, there's a streaming hat!" "O, I don't mind, darling!" said Dick cheerfully. "Wet never hurts me, though I am rather sorry for my best clothes. However, it couldn't be helped; we lent all the umbrellas to the women. I don't know when I shall get mine back!" "And look, there's a nasty patch of something just on your shoulder." "Ah, that's japanning; it rubbed off the clamps of poor Jack's coffin when we lowered him from our shoulders upon the bier! I don't care about that, for 'twas the last deed I could do for him; and 'tis hard if you can't afford a coat for an old friend." Fancy put her hand to her mouth for half a minute. Underneath the palm of that little hand there existed for that half-minute a little yawn. "Dick, I don't like you to stand there in the wet. And you mustn't sit down. Go home and change your things. Don't stay another minute." "One kiss after coming so far," he pleaded. "If I can reach, then." He looked rather disappointed at not being invited round to the door. She twisted from her seated position and bent herself downwards, but not even by standing on the plinth was it possible for Dick to get his lips into contact with hers as she held them. By great exertion she might have reached a little lower; but then she would have exposed her head to the rain. "Never mind, Dick; kiss my hand," she said, flinging it down to him. "Now, good-bye." "Good-bye." He walked slowly away, turning and turning again to look at her till he was out of sight. During the retreat she said to herself, almost involuntarily, and still conscious of that morning's triumph--"I like Dick, and I love him; but how plain and sorry a man looks in the rain, with no umbrella, and wet through!" As he vanished, she made as if to descend from her seat; but glancing in the other direction she saw another form coming along the same track. It was also that of a man. He, too, was in black from top to toe; but he carried an umbrella. He drew nearer, and the direction of the rain caused him so to slant his umbrella that from her height above the ground his head was invisible, as she was also to him. He passed in due time directly beneath her, and in looking down upon the exterior of his umbrella her feminine eyes perceived it to be of superior silk--less common at that date than since--and of elegant make. He reached the entrance to the building, and Fancy suddenly lost sight of him. Instead of pursuing the roadway as Dick had done he had turned sharply round into her own porch. She jumped to the floor, hastily flung off her shawl and bonnet, smoothed and patted her hair till the curls hung in passable condition, and listened. No knock. Nearly a minute passed, and still there was no knock. Then there arose a soft series of raps, no louder than the tapping of a distant woodpecker, and barely distinct enough to reach her ears. She composed herself and flung open the door. In the porch stood Mr. Maybold. There was a warm flush upon his face, and a bright flash in his eyes, which made him look handsomer than she had ever seen him before. "Good-evening, Miss Day." "Good-evening, Mr. Maybold," she said, in a strange state of mind. She had noticed, beyond the ardent hue of his face, that his voice had a singular tremor in it, and that his hand shook like an aspen leaf when he laid his umbrella in the corner of the

lizz

How many times the word 'lizz' appears in the text?

Dewy." "Good-night, Mr. Day." Modest Dick's reply had faltered upon his tongue, and he turned away wondering at his presumption in asking for a woman whom he had seen from the beginning to be so superior to him. CHAPTER III: FANCY IN THE RAIN The next scene is a tempestuous afternoon in the following month, and Fancy Day is discovered walking from her father's home towards Mellstock. A single vast gray cloud covered the country, from which the small rain and mist had just begun to blow down in wavy sheets, alternately thick and thin. The trees of the fields and plantations writhed like miserable men as the air wound its way swiftly among them: the lowest portions of their trunks, that had hardly ever been known to move, were visibly rocked by the fiercer gusts, distressing the mind by its painful unwontedness, as when a strong man is seen to shed tears. Low-hanging boughs went up and down; high and erect boughs went to and fro; the blasts being so irregular, and divided into so many cross-currents, that neighbouring branches of the same tree swept the skies in independent motions, crossed each other, or became entangled. Across the open spaces flew flocks of green and yellowish leaves, which, after travelling a long distance from their parent trees, reached the ground, and lay there with their under-sides upward. As the rain and wind increased, and Fancy's bonnet-ribbons leapt more and more snappishly against her chin, she paused on entering Mellstock Lane to consider her latitude, and the distance to a place of shelter. The nearest house was Elizabeth Endorfield's, in Higher Mellstock, whose cottage and garden stood not far from the junction of that hamlet with the road she followed. Fancy hastened onward, and in five minutes entered a gate, which shed upon her toes a flood of water-drops as she opened it. "Come in, chiel!" a voice exclaimed, before Fancy had knocked: a promptness that would have surprised her had she not known that Mrs. Endorfield was an exceedingly and exceptionally sharp woman in the use of her eyes and ears. Fancy went in and sat down. Elizabeth was paring potatoes for her husband's supper. Scrape, scrape, scrape; then a toss, and splash went a potato into a bucket of water. Now, as Fancy listlessly noted these proceedings of the dame, she began to reconsider an old subject that lay uppermost in her heart. Since the interview between her father and Dick, the days had been melancholy days for her. Geoffrey's firm opposition to the notion of Dick as a son-in- law was more than she had expected. She had frequently seen her lover since that time, it is true, and had loved him more for the opposition than she would have otherwise dreamt of doing--which was a happiness of a certain kind. Yet, though love is thus an end in itself, it must be believed to be the means to another end if it is to assume the rosy hues of an unalloyed pleasure. And such a belief Fancy and Dick were emphatically denied just now. Elizabeth Endorfield had a repute among women which was in its nature something between distinction and notoriety. It was founded on the following items of character. She was shrewd and penetrating; her house stood in a lonely place; she never went to church; she wore a red cloak; she always retained her bonnet indoors and she had a pointed chin. Thus far her attributes were distinctly Satanic; and those who looked no further called her, in plain terms, a witch. But she was not gaunt, nor ugly in the upper part of her face, nor particularly strange in manner; so that, when her more intimate acquaintances spoke of her the term was softened, and she became simply a Deep Body, who was as long-headed as she was high. It may be stated that Elizabeth belonged to a class of suspects who were gradually losing their mysterious characteristics under the administration of the young vicar; though, during the long reign of Mr. Grinham, the parish of Mellstock had proved extremely favourable to the growth of witches. While Fancy was revolving all this in her mind, and putting it to herself whether it was worth while to tell her troubles to Elizabeth, and ask her advice in getting out of them, the witch spoke. "You be down--proper down," she said suddenly, dropping another potato into the bucket. Fancy took no notice. "About your young man." Fancy reddened. Elizabeth seemed to be watching her thoughts. Really, one would almost think she must have the powers people ascribed to her. "Father not in the humour for't, hey?" Another potato was finished and flung in. "Ah, I know about it. Little birds tell me things that people don't dream of my knowing." Fancy was desperate about Dick, and here was a chance--O, such a wicked chance--of getting help; and what was goodness beside love! "I wish you'd tell me how to put him in the humour for it?" she said. "That I could soon do," said the witch quietly. "Really? O, do; anyhow--I don't care--so that it is done! How could I do it, Mrs. Endorfield?" "Nothing so mighty wonderful in it." "Well, but how?" "By witchery, of course!" said Elizabeth. "No!" said Fancy. "'Tis, I assure ye. Didn't you ever hear I was a witch?" "Well," hesitated Fancy, "I have heard you called so." "And you believed it?" "I can't say that I did exactly believe it, for 'tis very horrible and wicked; but, O, how I do wish it was possible for you to be one!" "So I am. And I'll tell you how to bewitch your father to let you marry Dick Dewy." "Will it hurt him, poor thing?" "Hurt who?" "Father." "No; the charm is worked by common sense, and the spell can only be broke by your acting stupidly." Fancy looked rather perplexed, and Elizabeth went on: "This fear of Lizz--whatever 'tis-- By great and small; She makes pretence to common sense, And that's all. "You must do it like this." The witch laid down her knife and potato, and then poured into Fancy's ear a long and detailed list of directions, glancing up from the corner of her eye into Fancy's face with an expression of sinister humour. Fancy's face brightened, clouded, rose and sank, as the narrative proceeded. "There," said Elizabeth at length, stooping for the knife and another potato, "do that, and you'll have him by-long and by-late, my dear." "And do it I will!" said Fancy. She then turned her attention to the external world once more. The rain continued as usual, but the wind had abated considerably during the discourse. Judging that it was now possible to keep an umbrella erect, she pulled her hood again over her bonnet, bade the witch good-bye, and went her way. CHAPTER IV: THE SPELL Mrs. Endorfield's advice was duly followed. "I be proper sorry that your daughter isn't so well as she might be," said a Mellstock man to Geoffrey one morning. "But is there anything in it?" said Geoffrey uneasily, as he shifted his hat to the right. "I can't understand the report. She didn't complain to me a bit when I saw her." "No appetite at all, they say." Geoffrey crossed to Mellstock and called at the school that afternoon. Fancy welcomed him as usual, and asked him to stay and take tea with her. "I be'n't much for tea, this time o' day," he said, but stayed. During the meal he watched her narrowly. And to his great consternation discovered the following unprecedented change in the healthy girl--that she cut herself only a diaphanous slice of bread-and-butter, and, laying it on her plate, passed the meal-time in breaking it into pieces, but eating no more than about one-tenth of the slice. Geoffrey hoped she would say something about Dick, and finish up by weeping, as she had done after the decision against him a few days subsequent to the interview in the garden. But nothing was said, and in due time Geoffrey departed again for Yalbury Wood. "'Tis to be hoped poor Miss Fancy will be able to keep on her school," said Geoffrey's man Enoch to Geoffrey the following week, as they were shovelling up ant-hills in the wood. Geoffrey stuck in the shovel, swept seven or eight ants from his sleeve, and killed another that was prowling round his ear, then looked perpendicularly into the earth as usual, waiting for Enoch to say more. "Well, why shouldn't she?" said the keeper at last. "The baker told me yesterday," continued Enoch, shaking out another emmet that had run merrily up his thigh, "that the bread he've left at that there school-house this last month would starve any mouse in the three creations; that 'twould so! And afterwards I had a pint o' small down at Morrs's, and there I heard more." "What might that ha' been?" "That she used to have a pound o' the best rolled butter a week, regular as clockwork, from Dairyman Viney's for herself, as well as just so much salted for the helping girl, and the 'ooman she calls in; but now the same quantity d'last her three weeks, and then 'tis thoughted she throws it away sour." "Finish doing the emmets, and carry the bag home-along." The keeper resumed his gun, tucked it under his arm, and went on without whistling to the dogs, who however followed, with a bearing meant to imply that they did not expect any such attentions when their master was reflecting. On Saturday morning a note came from Fancy. He was not to trouble about sending her the couple of rabbits, as was intended, because she feared she should not want them. Later in the day Geoffrey went to Casterbridge and called upon the butcher who served Fancy with fresh meat, which was put down to her father's account. "I've called to pay up our little bill, Neighbour Haylock, and you can gie me the chiel's account at the same time." Mr. Haylock turned round three quarters of a circle in the midst of a heap of joints, altered the expression of his face from meat to money, went into a little office consisting only of a door and a window, looked very vigorously into a book which possessed length but no breadth; and then, seizing a piece of paper and scribbling thereupon, handed the bill. Probably it was the first time in the history of commercial transactions that the quality of shortness in a butcher's bill was a cause of tribulation to the debtor. "Why, this isn't all she've had in a whole month!" said Geoffrey. "Every mossel," said the butcher--"(now, Dan, take that leg and shoulder to Mrs. White's, and this eleven pound here to Mr. Martin's)--you've been treating her to smaller joints lately, to my thinking, Mr. Day?" "Only two or three little scram rabbits this last week, as I am alive--I wish I had!" "Well, my wife said to me--(Dan! not too much, not too much on that tray at a time; better go twice)--my wife said to me as she posted up the books: she says, 'Miss Day must have been affronted this summer during that hot muggy weather that spolit so much for us; for depend upon't,' she says, 'she've been trying John Grimmett unknown to us: see her account else.' 'Tis little, of course, at the best of times, being only for one, but now 'tis next kin to nothing." "I'll inquire," said Geoffrey despondingly. He returned by way of Mellstock, and called upon Fancy, in fulfilment of a promise. It being Saturday, the children were enjoying a holiday, and on entering the residence Fancy was nowhere to be seen. Nan, the charwoman, was sweeping the kitchen. "Where's my da'ter?" said the keeper. "Well, you see she was tired with the week's teaching, and this morning she said, 'Nan, I sha'n't get up till the evening.' You see, Mr. Day, if people don't eat, they can't work; and as she've gie'd up eating, she must gie up working." "Have ye carried up any dinner to her?" "No; she don't want any. There, we all know that such things don't come without good reason--not that I wish to say anything about a broken heart, or anything of the kind." Geoffrey's own heart felt inconveniently large just then. He went to the staircase and ascended to his daughter's door. "Fancy!" "Come in, father." To see a person in bed from any cause whatever, on a fine afternoon, is depressing enough; and here was his only child Fancy, not only in bed, but looking very pale. Geoffrey was visibly disturbed. "Fancy, I didn't expect to see thee here, chiel," he said. "What's the matter?" "I'm not well, father." "How's that?" "Because I think of things." "What things can you have to think o' so mortal much?" "You know, father." "You think I've been cruel to thee in saying that that penniless Dick o' thine sha'n't marry thee, I suppose?" No answer. "Well, you know, Fancy, I do it for the best, and he isn't good enough for thee. You know that well enough." Here he again looked at her as she lay. "Well, Fancy, I can't let my only chiel die; and if you can't live without en, you must ha' en, I suppose." "O, I don't want him like that; all against your will, and everything so disobedient!" sighed the invalid. "No, no, 'tisn't against my will. My wish is, now I d'see how 'tis hurten thee to live without en, that he shall marry thee as soon as we've considered a little. That's my wish flat and plain, Fancy. There, never cry, my little maid! You ought to ha' cried afore; no need o' crying now 'tis all over. Well, howsoever, try to step over and see me and mother- law to-morrow, and ha' a bit of dinner wi' us." "And--Dick too?" "Ay, Dick too, 'far's I know." "And when do you think you'll have considered, father, and he may marry me?" she coaxed. "Well, there, say next Midsummer; that's not a day too long to wait." On leaving the school Geoffrey went to the tranter's. Old William opened the door. "Is your grandson Dick in 'ithin, William?" "No, not just now, Mr. Day. Though he've been at home a good deal lately." "O, how's that?" "What wi' one thing, and what wi' t'other, he's all in a mope, as might be said. Don't seem the feller he used to. Ay, 'a will sit studding and thinking as if 'a were going to turn chapel-member, and then do nothing but traypse and wamble about. Used to be such a chatty boy, too, Dick did; and now 'a don't speak at all. But won't ye step inside? Reuben will be home soon, 'a b'lieve." "No, thank you, I can't stay now. Will ye just ask Dick if he'll do me the kindness to step over to Yalbury to-morrow with my da'ter Fancy, if she's well enough? I don't like her to come by herself, now she's not so terrible topping in health." "So I've heard. Ay, sure, I'll tell him without fail." CHAPTER V: AFTER GAINING HER POINT The visit to Geoffrey passed off as delightfully as a visit might have been expected to pass off when it was the first day of smooth experience in a hitherto obstructed love-course. And then came a series of several happy days, of the same undisturbed serenity. Dick could court her when he chose; stay away when he chose,--which was never; walk with her by winding streams and waterfalls and autumn scenery till dews and twilight sent them home. And thus they drew near the day of the Harvest Thanksgiving, which was also the time chosen for opening the organ in Mellstock Church. It chanced that Dick on that very day was called away from Mellstock. A young acquaintance had died of consumption at Charmley, a neighbouring village, on the previous Monday, and Dick, in fulfilment of a long-standing promise, was to assist in carrying him to the grave. When on Tuesday, Dick went towards the school to acquaint Fancy with the fact, it is difficult to say whether his own disappointment at being denied the sight of her triumphant debut as organist, was greater than his vexation that his pet should on this great occasion be deprived of the pleasure of his presence. However, the intelligence was communicated. She bore it as she best could, not without many expressions of regret, and convictions that her performance would be nothing to her now. Just before eleven o'clock on Sunday he set out upon his sad errand. The funeral was to be immediately after the morning service, and as there were four good miles to walk, driving being inconvenient, it became necessary to start comparatively early. Half an hour later would certainly have answered his purpose quite as well, yet at the last moment nothing would content his ardent mind but that he must go a mile out of his way in the direction of the school, in the hope of getting a glimpse of his Love as she started for church. Striking, therefore, into the lane towards the school, instead of across the ewelease direct to Charmley, he arrived opposite her door as his goddess emerged. If ever a woman looked a divinity, Fancy Day appeared one that morning as she floated down those school steps, in the form of a nebulous collection of colours inclining to blue. With an audacity unparalleled in the whole history of village-school-mistresses at this date--partly owing, no doubt, to papa's respectable accumulation of cash, which rendered her profession not altogether one of necessity--she had actually donned a hat and feather, and lowered her hitherto plainly looped-up hair, which now fell about her shoulders in a profusion of curls. Poor Dick was astonished: he had never seen her look so distractingly beautiful before, save on Christmas-eve, when her hair was in the same luxuriant condition of freedom. But his first burst of delighted surprise was followed by less comfortable feelings, as soon as his brain recovered its power to think. Fancy had blushed;--was it with confusion? She had also involuntarily pressed back her curls. She had not expected him. "Fancy, you didn't know me for a moment in my funeral clothes, did you?" "Good-morning, Dick--no, really, I didn't know you for an instant in such a sad suit." He looked again at the gay tresses and hat. "You've never dressed so charming before, dearest." "I like to hear you praise me in that way, Dick," she said, smiling archly. "It is meat and drink to a woman. Do I look nice really?" "Fie! you know it. Did you remember,--I mean didn't you remember about my going away to-day?" "Well, yes, I did, Dick; but, you know, I wanted to look well;--forgive me." "Yes, darling; yes, of course,--there's nothing to forgive. No, I was only thinking that when we talked on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday and Friday about my absence to-day, and I was so sorry for it, you said, Fancy, so were you sorry, and almost cried, and said it would be no pleasure to you to be the attraction of the church to-day, since I could not be there." "My dear one, neither will it be so much pleasure to me . . . But I do take a little delight in my life, I suppose," she pouted. "Apart from mine?" She looked at him with perplexed eyes. "I know you are vexed with me, Dick, and it is because the first Sunday I have curls and a hat and feather since I have been here happens to be the very day you are away and won't be with me. Yes, say it is, for that is it! And you think that all this week I ought to have remembered you wouldn't be here to- day, and not have cared to be better dressed than usual. Yes, you do, Dick, and it is rather unkind!" "No, no," said Dick earnestly and simply, "I didn't think so badly of you as that. I only thought that--if you had been going away, I shouldn't have tried new attractions for the eyes of other people. But then of course you and I are different, naturally." "Well, perhaps we are." "Whatever will the vicar say, Fancy?" "I don't fear what he says in the least!" she answered proudly. "But he won't say anything of the sort you think. No, no." "He can hardly have conscience to, indeed." "Now come, you say, Dick, that you quite forgive me, for I must go," she said with sudden gaiety, and skipped backwards into the porch. "Come here, sir;--say you forgive me, and then you shall kiss me;--you never have yet when I have worn curls, you know. Yes, just where you want to so much,--yes, you may!" Dick followed her into the inner corner, where he was probably not slow in availing himself of the privilege offered. "Now that's a treat for you, isn't it?" she continued. "Good-bye, or I shall be late. Come and see me to-morrow: you'll be tired to-night." Thus they parted, and Fancy proceeded to the church. The organ stood on one side of the chancel, close to and under the immediate eye of the vicar when he was in the pulpit, and also in full view of the congregation. Here she sat down, for the first time in such a conspicuous position, her seat having previously been in a remote spot in the aisle. "Good heavens--disgraceful! Curls and a hat and feather!" said the daughters of the small gentry, who had either only curly hair without a hat and feather, or a hat and feather without curly hair. "A bonnet for church always," said sober matrons. That Mr. Maybold was conscious of her presence close beside him during the sermon; that he was not at all angry at her development of costume; that he admired her, she perceived. But she did not see that he loved her during that sermon-time as he had never loved a woman before; that her proximity was a strange delight to him; and that he gloried in her musical success that morning in a spirit quite beyond a mere cleric's glory at the inauguration of a new order of things. The old choir, with humbled hearts, no longer took their seats in the gallery as heretofore (which was now given up to the school-children who were not singers, and a pupil-teacher), but were scattered about with their wives in different parts of the church. Having nothing to do with conducting the service for almost the first time in their lives, they all felt awkward, out of place, abashed, and inconvenienced by their hands. The tranter had proposed that they should stay away to-day and go nutting, but grandfather William would not hear of such a thing for a moment. "No," he replied reproachfully, and quoted a verse: "Though this has come upon us, let not our hearts be turned back, or our steps go out of the way." So they stood and watched the curls of hair trailing down the back of the successful rival, and the waving of her feather, as she swayed her head. After a few timid notes and uncertain touches her playing became markedly correct, and towards the end full and free. But, whether from prejudice or unbiassed judgment, the venerable body of musicians could not help thinking that the simpler notes they had been wont to bring forth were more in keeping with the simplicity of their old church than the crowded chords and interludes it was her pleasure to produce. CHAPTER VI: INTO TEMPTATION The day was done, and Fancy was again in the school-house. About five o'clock it began to rain, and in rather a dull frame of mind she wandered into the schoolroom, for want of something better to do. She was thinking--of her lover Dick Dewy? Not precisely. Of how weary she was of living alone: how unbearable it would be to return to Yalbury under the rule of her strange-tempered step-mother; that it was far better to be married to anybody than do that; that eight or nine long months had yet to be lived through ere the wedding could take place. At the side of the room were high windows of Ham-hill stone, upon either sill of which she could sit by first mounting a desk and using it as a footstool. As the evening advanced here she perched herself, as was her custom on such wet and gloomy occasions, put on a light shawl and bonnet, opened the window, and looked out at the rain. The window overlooked a field called the Grove, and it was the position from which she used to survey the crown of Dick's passing hat in the early days of their acquaintance and meetings. Not a living soul was now visible anywhere; the rain kept all people indoors who were not forced abroad by necessity, and necessity was less importunate on Sundays than during the week. Sitting here and thinking again--of her lover, or of the sensation she had created at church that day?--well, it is unknown--thinking and thinking she saw a dark masculine figure arising into distinctness at the further end of the Grove--a man without an umbrella. Nearer and nearer he came, and she perceived that he was in deep mourning, and then that it was Dick. Yes, in the fondness and foolishness of his young heart, after walking four miles, in a drizzling rain without overcoat or umbrella, and in face of a remark from his love that he was not to come because he would be tired, he had made it his business to wander this mile out of his way again, from sheer wish of spending ten minutes in her presence. "O Dick, how wet you are!" she said, as he drew up under the window. "Why, your coat shines as if it had been varnished, and your hat--my goodness, there's a streaming hat!" "O, I don't mind, darling!" said Dick cheerfully. "Wet never hurts me, though I am rather sorry for my best clothes. However, it couldn't be helped; we lent all the umbrellas to the women. I don't know when I shall get mine back!" "And look, there's a nasty patch of something just on your shoulder." "Ah, that's japanning; it rubbed off the clamps of poor Jack's coffin when we lowered him from our shoulders upon the bier! I don't care about that, for 'twas the last deed I could do for him; and 'tis hard if you can't afford a coat for an old friend." Fancy put her hand to her mouth for half a minute. Underneath the palm of that little hand there existed for that half-minute a little yawn. "Dick, I don't like you to stand there in the wet. And you mustn't sit down. Go home and change your things. Don't stay another minute." "One kiss after coming so far," he pleaded. "If I can reach, then." He looked rather disappointed at not being invited round to the door. She twisted from her seated position and bent herself downwards, but not even by standing on the plinth was it possible for Dick to get his lips into contact with hers as she held them. By great exertion she might have reached a little lower; but then she would have exposed her head to the rain. "Never mind, Dick; kiss my hand," she said, flinging it down to him. "Now, good-bye." "Good-bye." He walked slowly away, turning and turning again to look at her till he was out of sight. During the retreat she said to herself, almost involuntarily, and still conscious of that morning's triumph--"I like Dick, and I love him; but how plain and sorry a man looks in the rain, with no umbrella, and wet through!" As he vanished, she made as if to descend from her seat; but glancing in the other direction she saw another form coming along the same track. It was also that of a man. He, too, was in black from top to toe; but he carried an umbrella. He drew nearer, and the direction of the rain caused him so to slant his umbrella that from her height above the ground his head was invisible, as she was also to him. He passed in due time directly beneath her, and in looking down upon the exterior of his umbrella her feminine eyes perceived it to be of superior silk--less common at that date than since--and of elegant make. He reached the entrance to the building, and Fancy suddenly lost sight of him. Instead of pursuing the roadway as Dick had done he had turned sharply round into her own porch. She jumped to the floor, hastily flung off her shawl and bonnet, smoothed and patted her hair till the curls hung in passable condition, and listened. No knock. Nearly a minute passed, and still there was no knock. Then there arose a soft series of raps, no louder than the tapping of a distant woodpecker, and barely distinct enough to reach her ears. She composed herself and flung open the door. In the porch stood Mr. Maybold. There was a warm flush upon his face, and a bright flash in his eyes, which made him look handsomer than she had ever seen him before. "Good-evening, Miss Day." "Good-evening, Mr. Maybold," she said, in a strange state of mind. She had noticed, beyond the ardent hue of his face, that his voice had a singular tremor in it, and that his hand shook like an aspen leaf when he laid his umbrella in the corner of the

humour

How many times the word 'humour' appears in the text?

Dewy." "Good-night, Mr. Day." Modest Dick's reply had faltered upon his tongue, and he turned away wondering at his presumption in asking for a woman whom he had seen from the beginning to be so superior to him. CHAPTER III: FANCY IN THE RAIN The next scene is a tempestuous afternoon in the following month, and Fancy Day is discovered walking from her father's home towards Mellstock. A single vast gray cloud covered the country, from which the small rain and mist had just begun to blow down in wavy sheets, alternately thick and thin. The trees of the fields and plantations writhed like miserable men as the air wound its way swiftly among them: the lowest portions of their trunks, that had hardly ever been known to move, were visibly rocked by the fiercer gusts, distressing the mind by its painful unwontedness, as when a strong man is seen to shed tears. Low-hanging boughs went up and down; high and erect boughs went to and fro; the blasts being so irregular, and divided into so many cross-currents, that neighbouring branches of the same tree swept the skies in independent motions, crossed each other, or became entangled. Across the open spaces flew flocks of green and yellowish leaves, which, after travelling a long distance from their parent trees, reached the ground, and lay there with their under-sides upward. As the rain and wind increased, and Fancy's bonnet-ribbons leapt more and more snappishly against her chin, she paused on entering Mellstock Lane to consider her latitude, and the distance to a place of shelter. The nearest house was Elizabeth Endorfield's, in Higher Mellstock, whose cottage and garden stood not far from the junction of that hamlet with the road she followed. Fancy hastened onward, and in five minutes entered a gate, which shed upon her toes a flood of water-drops as she opened it. "Come in, chiel!" a voice exclaimed, before Fancy had knocked: a promptness that would have surprised her had she not known that Mrs. Endorfield was an exceedingly and exceptionally sharp woman in the use of her eyes and ears. Fancy went in and sat down. Elizabeth was paring potatoes for her husband's supper. Scrape, scrape, scrape; then a toss, and splash went a potato into a bucket of water. Now, as Fancy listlessly noted these proceedings of the dame, she began to reconsider an old subject that lay uppermost in her heart. Since the interview between her father and Dick, the days had been melancholy days for her. Geoffrey's firm opposition to the notion of Dick as a son-in- law was more than she had expected. She had frequently seen her lover since that time, it is true, and had loved him more for the opposition than she would have otherwise dreamt of doing--which was a happiness of a certain kind. Yet, though love is thus an end in itself, it must be believed to be the means to another end if it is to assume the rosy hues of an unalloyed pleasure. And such a belief Fancy and Dick were emphatically denied just now. Elizabeth Endorfield had a repute among women which was in its nature something between distinction and notoriety. It was founded on the following items of character. She was shrewd and penetrating; her house stood in a lonely place; she never went to church; she wore a red cloak; she always retained her bonnet indoors and she had a pointed chin. Thus far her attributes were distinctly Satanic; and those who looked no further called her, in plain terms, a witch. But she was not gaunt, nor ugly in the upper part of her face, nor particularly strange in manner; so that, when her more intimate acquaintances spoke of her the term was softened, and she became simply a Deep Body, who was as long-headed as she was high. It may be stated that Elizabeth belonged to a class of suspects who were gradually losing their mysterious characteristics under the administration of the young vicar; though, during the long reign of Mr. Grinham, the parish of Mellstock had proved extremely favourable to the growth of witches. While Fancy was revolving all this in her mind, and putting it to herself whether it was worth while to tell her troubles to Elizabeth, and ask her advice in getting out of them, the witch spoke. "You be down--proper down," she said suddenly, dropping another potato into the bucket. Fancy took no notice. "About your young man." Fancy reddened. Elizabeth seemed to be watching her thoughts. Really, one would almost think she must have the powers people ascribed to her. "Father not in the humour for't, hey?" Another potato was finished and flung in. "Ah, I know about it. Little birds tell me things that people don't dream of my knowing." Fancy was desperate about Dick, and here was a chance--O, such a wicked chance--of getting help; and what was goodness beside love! "I wish you'd tell me how to put him in the humour for it?" she said. "That I could soon do," said the witch quietly. "Really? O, do; anyhow--I don't care--so that it is done! How could I do it, Mrs. Endorfield?" "Nothing so mighty wonderful in it." "Well, but how?" "By witchery, of course!" said Elizabeth. "No!" said Fancy. "'Tis, I assure ye. Didn't you ever hear I was a witch?" "Well," hesitated Fancy, "I have heard you called so." "And you believed it?" "I can't say that I did exactly believe it, for 'tis very horrible and wicked; but, O, how I do wish it was possible for you to be one!" "So I am. And I'll tell you how to bewitch your father to let you marry Dick Dewy." "Will it hurt him, poor thing?" "Hurt who?" "Father." "No; the charm is worked by common sense, and the spell can only be broke by your acting stupidly." Fancy looked rather perplexed, and Elizabeth went on: "This fear of Lizz--whatever 'tis-- By great and small; She makes pretence to common sense, And that's all. "You must do it like this." The witch laid down her knife and potato, and then poured into Fancy's ear a long and detailed list of directions, glancing up from the corner of her eye into Fancy's face with an expression of sinister humour. Fancy's face brightened, clouded, rose and sank, as the narrative proceeded. "There," said Elizabeth at length, stooping for the knife and another potato, "do that, and you'll have him by-long and by-late, my dear." "And do it I will!" said Fancy. She then turned her attention to the external world once more. The rain continued as usual, but the wind had abated considerably during the discourse. Judging that it was now possible to keep an umbrella erect, she pulled her hood again over her bonnet, bade the witch good-bye, and went her way. CHAPTER IV: THE SPELL Mrs. Endorfield's advice was duly followed. "I be proper sorry that your daughter isn't so well as she might be," said a Mellstock man to Geoffrey one morning. "But is there anything in it?" said Geoffrey uneasily, as he shifted his hat to the right. "I can't understand the report. She didn't complain to me a bit when I saw her." "No appetite at all, they say." Geoffrey crossed to Mellstock and called at the school that afternoon. Fancy welcomed him as usual, and asked him to stay and take tea with her. "I be'n't much for tea, this time o' day," he said, but stayed. During the meal he watched her narrowly. And to his great consternation discovered the following unprecedented change in the healthy girl--that she cut herself only a diaphanous slice of bread-and-butter, and, laying it on her plate, passed the meal-time in breaking it into pieces, but eating no more than about one-tenth of the slice. Geoffrey hoped she would say something about Dick, and finish up by weeping, as she had done after the decision against him a few days subsequent to the interview in the garden. But nothing was said, and in due time Geoffrey departed again for Yalbury Wood. "'Tis to be hoped poor Miss Fancy will be able to keep on her school," said Geoffrey's man Enoch to Geoffrey the following week, as they were shovelling up ant-hills in the wood. Geoffrey stuck in the shovel, swept seven or eight ants from his sleeve, and killed another that was prowling round his ear, then looked perpendicularly into the earth as usual, waiting for Enoch to say more. "Well, why shouldn't she?" said the keeper at last. "The baker told me yesterday," continued Enoch, shaking out another emmet that had run merrily up his thigh, "that the bread he've left at that there school-house this last month would starve any mouse in the three creations; that 'twould so! And afterwards I had a pint o' small down at Morrs's, and there I heard more." "What might that ha' been?" "That she used to have a pound o' the best rolled butter a week, regular as clockwork, from Dairyman Viney's for herself, as well as just so much salted for the helping girl, and the 'ooman she calls in; but now the same quantity d'last her three weeks, and then 'tis thoughted she throws it away sour." "Finish doing the emmets, and carry the bag home-along." The keeper resumed his gun, tucked it under his arm, and went on without whistling to the dogs, who however followed, with a bearing meant to imply that they did not expect any such attentions when their master was reflecting. On Saturday morning a note came from Fancy. He was not to trouble about sending her the couple of rabbits, as was intended, because she feared she should not want them. Later in the day Geoffrey went to Casterbridge and called upon the butcher who served Fancy with fresh meat, which was put down to her father's account. "I've called to pay up our little bill, Neighbour Haylock, and you can gie me the chiel's account at the same time." Mr. Haylock turned round three quarters of a circle in the midst of a heap of joints, altered the expression of his face from meat to money, went into a little office consisting only of a door and a window, looked very vigorously into a book which possessed length but no breadth; and then, seizing a piece of paper and scribbling thereupon, handed the bill. Probably it was the first time in the history of commercial transactions that the quality of shortness in a butcher's bill was a cause of tribulation to the debtor. "Why, this isn't all she've had in a whole month!" said Geoffrey. "Every mossel," said the butcher--"(now, Dan, take that leg and shoulder to Mrs. White's, and this eleven pound here to Mr. Martin's)--you've been treating her to smaller joints lately, to my thinking, Mr. Day?" "Only two or three little scram rabbits this last week, as I am alive--I wish I had!" "Well, my wife said to me--(Dan! not too much, not too much on that tray at a time; better go twice)--my wife said to me as she posted up the books: she says, 'Miss Day must have been affronted this summer during that hot muggy weather that spolit so much for us; for depend upon't,' she says, 'she've been trying John Grimmett unknown to us: see her account else.' 'Tis little, of course, at the best of times, being only for one, but now 'tis next kin to nothing." "I'll inquire," said Geoffrey despondingly. He returned by way of Mellstock, and called upon Fancy, in fulfilment of a promise. It being Saturday, the children were enjoying a holiday, and on entering the residence Fancy was nowhere to be seen. Nan, the charwoman, was sweeping the kitchen. "Where's my da'ter?" said the keeper. "Well, you see she was tired with the week's teaching, and this morning she said, 'Nan, I sha'n't get up till the evening.' You see, Mr. Day, if people don't eat, they can't work; and as she've gie'd up eating, she must gie up working." "Have ye carried up any dinner to her?" "No; she don't want any. There, we all know that such things don't come without good reason--not that I wish to say anything about a broken heart, or anything of the kind." Geoffrey's own heart felt inconveniently large just then. He went to the staircase and ascended to his daughter's door. "Fancy!" "Come in, father." To see a person in bed from any cause whatever, on a fine afternoon, is depressing enough; and here was his only child Fancy, not only in bed, but looking very pale. Geoffrey was visibly disturbed. "Fancy, I didn't expect to see thee here, chiel," he said. "What's the matter?" "I'm not well, father." "How's that?" "Because I think of things." "What things can you have to think o' so mortal much?" "You know, father." "You think I've been cruel to thee in saying that that penniless Dick o' thine sha'n't marry thee, I suppose?" No answer. "Well, you know, Fancy, I do it for the best, and he isn't good enough for thee. You know that well enough." Here he again looked at her as she lay. "Well, Fancy, I can't let my only chiel die; and if you can't live without en, you must ha' en, I suppose." "O, I don't want him like that; all against your will, and everything so disobedient!" sighed the invalid. "No, no, 'tisn't against my will. My wish is, now I d'see how 'tis hurten thee to live without en, that he shall marry thee as soon as we've considered a little. That's my wish flat and plain, Fancy. There, never cry, my little maid! You ought to ha' cried afore; no need o' crying now 'tis all over. Well, howsoever, try to step over and see me and mother- law to-morrow, and ha' a bit of dinner wi' us." "And--Dick too?" "Ay, Dick too, 'far's I know." "And when do you think you'll have considered, father, and he may marry me?" she coaxed. "Well, there, say next Midsummer; that's not a day too long to wait." On leaving the school Geoffrey went to the tranter's. Old William opened the door. "Is your grandson Dick in 'ithin, William?" "No, not just now, Mr. Day. Though he've been at home a good deal lately." "O, how's that?" "What wi' one thing, and what wi' t'other, he's all in a mope, as might be said. Don't seem the feller he used to. Ay, 'a will sit studding and thinking as if 'a were going to turn chapel-member, and then do nothing but traypse and wamble about. Used to be such a chatty boy, too, Dick did; and now 'a don't speak at all. But won't ye step inside? Reuben will be home soon, 'a b'lieve." "No, thank you, I can't stay now. Will ye just ask Dick if he'll do me the kindness to step over to Yalbury to-morrow with my da'ter Fancy, if she's well enough? I don't like her to come by herself, now she's not so terrible topping in health." "So I've heard. Ay, sure, I'll tell him without fail." CHAPTER V: AFTER GAINING HER POINT The visit to Geoffrey passed off as delightfully as a visit might have been expected to pass off when it was the first day of smooth experience in a hitherto obstructed love-course. And then came a series of several happy days, of the same undisturbed serenity. Dick could court her when he chose; stay away when he chose,--which was never; walk with her by winding streams and waterfalls and autumn scenery till dews and twilight sent them home. And thus they drew near the day of the Harvest Thanksgiving, which was also the time chosen for opening the organ in Mellstock Church. It chanced that Dick on that very day was called away from Mellstock. A young acquaintance had died of consumption at Charmley, a neighbouring village, on the previous Monday, and Dick, in fulfilment of a long-standing promise, was to assist in carrying him to the grave. When on Tuesday, Dick went towards the school to acquaint Fancy with the fact, it is difficult to say whether his own disappointment at being denied the sight of her triumphant debut as organist, was greater than his vexation that his pet should on this great occasion be deprived of the pleasure of his presence. However, the intelligence was communicated. She bore it as she best could, not without many expressions of regret, and convictions that her performance would be nothing to her now. Just before eleven o'clock on Sunday he set out upon his sad errand. The funeral was to be immediately after the morning service, and as there were four good miles to walk, driving being inconvenient, it became necessary to start comparatively early. Half an hour later would certainly have answered his purpose quite as well, yet at the last moment nothing would content his ardent mind but that he must go a mile out of his way in the direction of the school, in the hope of getting a glimpse of his Love as she started for church. Striking, therefore, into the lane towards the school, instead of across the ewelease direct to Charmley, he arrived opposite her door as his goddess emerged. If ever a woman looked a divinity, Fancy Day appeared one that morning as she floated down those school steps, in the form of a nebulous collection of colours inclining to blue. With an audacity unparalleled in the whole history of village-school-mistresses at this date--partly owing, no doubt, to papa's respectable accumulation of cash, which rendered her profession not altogether one of necessity--she had actually donned a hat and feather, and lowered her hitherto plainly looped-up hair, which now fell about her shoulders in a profusion of curls. Poor Dick was astonished: he had never seen her look so distractingly beautiful before, save on Christmas-eve, when her hair was in the same luxuriant condition of freedom. But his first burst of delighted surprise was followed by less comfortable feelings, as soon as his brain recovered its power to think. Fancy had blushed;--was it with confusion? She had also involuntarily pressed back her curls. She had not expected him. "Fancy, you didn't know me for a moment in my funeral clothes, did you?" "Good-morning, Dick--no, really, I didn't know you for an instant in such a sad suit." He looked again at the gay tresses and hat. "You've never dressed so charming before, dearest." "I like to hear you praise me in that way, Dick," she said, smiling archly. "It is meat and drink to a woman. Do I look nice really?" "Fie! you know it. Did you remember,--I mean didn't you remember about my going away to-day?" "Well, yes, I did, Dick; but, you know, I wanted to look well;--forgive me." "Yes, darling; yes, of course,--there's nothing to forgive. No, I was only thinking that when we talked on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday and Friday about my absence to-day, and I was so sorry for it, you said, Fancy, so were you sorry, and almost cried, and said it would be no pleasure to you to be the attraction of the church to-day, since I could not be there." "My dear one, neither will it be so much pleasure to me . . . But I do take a little delight in my life, I suppose," she pouted. "Apart from mine?" She looked at him with perplexed eyes. "I know you are vexed with me, Dick, and it is because the first Sunday I have curls and a hat and feather since I have been here happens to be the very day you are away and won't be with me. Yes, say it is, for that is it! And you think that all this week I ought to have remembered you wouldn't be here to- day, and not have cared to be better dressed than usual. Yes, you do, Dick, and it is rather unkind!" "No, no," said Dick earnestly and simply, "I didn't think so badly of you as that. I only thought that--if you had been going away, I shouldn't have tried new attractions for the eyes of other people. But then of course you and I are different, naturally." "Well, perhaps we are." "Whatever will the vicar say, Fancy?" "I don't fear what he says in the least!" she answered proudly. "But he won't say anything of the sort you think. No, no." "He can hardly have conscience to, indeed." "Now come, you say, Dick, that you quite forgive me, for I must go," she said with sudden gaiety, and skipped backwards into the porch. "Come here, sir;--say you forgive me, and then you shall kiss me;--you never have yet when I have worn curls, you know. Yes, just where you want to so much,--yes, you may!" Dick followed her into the inner corner, where he was probably not slow in availing himself of the privilege offered. "Now that's a treat for you, isn't it?" she continued. "Good-bye, or I shall be late. Come and see me to-morrow: you'll be tired to-night." Thus they parted, and Fancy proceeded to the church. The organ stood on one side of the chancel, close to and under the immediate eye of the vicar when he was in the pulpit, and also in full view of the congregation. Here she sat down, for the first time in such a conspicuous position, her seat having previously been in a remote spot in the aisle. "Good heavens--disgraceful! Curls and a hat and feather!" said the daughters of the small gentry, who had either only curly hair without a hat and feather, or a hat and feather without curly hair. "A bonnet for church always," said sober matrons. That Mr. Maybold was conscious of her presence close beside him during the sermon; that he was not at all angry at her development of costume; that he admired her, she perceived. But she did not see that he loved her during that sermon-time as he had never loved a woman before; that her proximity was a strange delight to him; and that he gloried in her musical success that morning in a spirit quite beyond a mere cleric's glory at the inauguration of a new order of things. The old choir, with humbled hearts, no longer took their seats in the gallery as heretofore (which was now given up to the school-children who were not singers, and a pupil-teacher), but were scattered about with their wives in different parts of the church. Having nothing to do with conducting the service for almost the first time in their lives, they all felt awkward, out of place, abashed, and inconvenienced by their hands. The tranter had proposed that they should stay away to-day and go nutting, but grandfather William would not hear of such a thing for a moment. "No," he replied reproachfully, and quoted a verse: "Though this has come upon us, let not our hearts be turned back, or our steps go out of the way." So they stood and watched the curls of hair trailing down the back of the successful rival, and the waving of her feather, as she swayed her head. After a few timid notes and uncertain touches her playing became markedly correct, and towards the end full and free. But, whether from prejudice or unbiassed judgment, the venerable body of musicians could not help thinking that the simpler notes they had been wont to bring forth were more in keeping with the simplicity of their old church than the crowded chords and interludes it was her pleasure to produce. CHAPTER VI: INTO TEMPTATION The day was done, and Fancy was again in the school-house. About five o'clock it began to rain, and in rather a dull frame of mind she wandered into the schoolroom, for want of something better to do. She was thinking--of her lover Dick Dewy? Not precisely. Of how weary she was of living alone: how unbearable it would be to return to Yalbury under the rule of her strange-tempered step-mother; that it was far better to be married to anybody than do that; that eight or nine long months had yet to be lived through ere the wedding could take place. At the side of the room were high windows of Ham-hill stone, upon either sill of which she could sit by first mounting a desk and using it as a footstool. As the evening advanced here she perched herself, as was her custom on such wet and gloomy occasions, put on a light shawl and bonnet, opened the window, and looked out at the rain. The window overlooked a field called the Grove, and it was the position from which she used to survey the crown of Dick's passing hat in the early days of their acquaintance and meetings. Not a living soul was now visible anywhere; the rain kept all people indoors who were not forced abroad by necessity, and necessity was less importunate on Sundays than during the week. Sitting here and thinking again--of her lover, or of the sensation she had created at church that day?--well, it is unknown--thinking and thinking she saw a dark masculine figure arising into distinctness at the further end of the Grove--a man without an umbrella. Nearer and nearer he came, and she perceived that he was in deep mourning, and then that it was Dick. Yes, in the fondness and foolishness of his young heart, after walking four miles, in a drizzling rain without overcoat or umbrella, and in face of a remark from his love that he was not to come because he would be tired, he had made it his business to wander this mile out of his way again, from sheer wish of spending ten minutes in her presence. "O Dick, how wet you are!" she said, as he drew up under the window. "Why, your coat shines as if it had been varnished, and your hat--my goodness, there's a streaming hat!" "O, I don't mind, darling!" said Dick cheerfully. "Wet never hurts me, though I am rather sorry for my best clothes. However, it couldn't be helped; we lent all the umbrellas to the women. I don't know when I shall get mine back!" "And look, there's a nasty patch of something just on your shoulder." "Ah, that's japanning; it rubbed off the clamps of poor Jack's coffin when we lowered him from our shoulders upon the bier! I don't care about that, for 'twas the last deed I could do for him; and 'tis hard if you can't afford a coat for an old friend." Fancy put her hand to her mouth for half a minute. Underneath the palm of that little hand there existed for that half-minute a little yawn. "Dick, I don't like you to stand there in the wet. And you mustn't sit down. Go home and change your things. Don't stay another minute." "One kiss after coming so far," he pleaded. "If I can reach, then." He looked rather disappointed at not being invited round to the door. She twisted from her seated position and bent herself downwards, but not even by standing on the plinth was it possible for Dick to get his lips into contact with hers as she held them. By great exertion she might have reached a little lower; but then she would have exposed her head to the rain. "Never mind, Dick; kiss my hand," she said, flinging it down to him. "Now, good-bye." "Good-bye." He walked slowly away, turning and turning again to look at her till he was out of sight. During the retreat she said to herself, almost involuntarily, and still conscious of that morning's triumph--"I like Dick, and I love him; but how plain and sorry a man looks in the rain, with no umbrella, and wet through!" As he vanished, she made as if to descend from her seat; but glancing in the other direction she saw another form coming along the same track. It was also that of a man. He, too, was in black from top to toe; but he carried an umbrella. He drew nearer, and the direction of the rain caused him so to slant his umbrella that from her height above the ground his head was invisible, as she was also to him. He passed in due time directly beneath her, and in looking down upon the exterior of his umbrella her feminine eyes perceived it to be of superior silk--less common at that date than since--and of elegant make. He reached the entrance to the building, and Fancy suddenly lost sight of him. Instead of pursuing the roadway as Dick had done he had turned sharply round into her own porch. She jumped to the floor, hastily flung off her shawl and bonnet, smoothed and patted her hair till the curls hung in passable condition, and listened. No knock. Nearly a minute passed, and still there was no knock. Then there arose a soft series of raps, no louder than the tapping of a distant woodpecker, and barely distinct enough to reach her ears. She composed herself and flung open the door. In the porch stood Mr. Maybold. There was a warm flush upon his face, and a bright flash in his eyes, which made him look handsomer than she had ever seen him before. "Good-evening, Miss Day." "Good-evening, Mr. Maybold," she said, in a strange state of mind. She had noticed, beyond the ardent hue of his face, that his voice had a singular tremor in it, and that his hand shook like an aspen leaf when he laid his umbrella in the corner of the

house

How many times the word 'house' appears in the text?

Dewy." "Good-night, Mr. Day." Modest Dick's reply had faltered upon his tongue, and he turned away wondering at his presumption in asking for a woman whom he had seen from the beginning to be so superior to him. CHAPTER III: FANCY IN THE RAIN The next scene is a tempestuous afternoon in the following month, and Fancy Day is discovered walking from her father's home towards Mellstock. A single vast gray cloud covered the country, from which the small rain and mist had just begun to blow down in wavy sheets, alternately thick and thin. The trees of the fields and plantations writhed like miserable men as the air wound its way swiftly among them: the lowest portions of their trunks, that had hardly ever been known to move, were visibly rocked by the fiercer gusts, distressing the mind by its painful unwontedness, as when a strong man is seen to shed tears. Low-hanging boughs went up and down; high and erect boughs went to and fro; the blasts being so irregular, and divided into so many cross-currents, that neighbouring branches of the same tree swept the skies in independent motions, crossed each other, or became entangled. Across the open spaces flew flocks of green and yellowish leaves, which, after travelling a long distance from their parent trees, reached the ground, and lay there with their under-sides upward. As the rain and wind increased, and Fancy's bonnet-ribbons leapt more and more snappishly against her chin, she paused on entering Mellstock Lane to consider her latitude, and the distance to a place of shelter. The nearest house was Elizabeth Endorfield's, in Higher Mellstock, whose cottage and garden stood not far from the junction of that hamlet with the road she followed. Fancy hastened onward, and in five minutes entered a gate, which shed upon her toes a flood of water-drops as she opened it. "Come in, chiel!" a voice exclaimed, before Fancy had knocked: a promptness that would have surprised her had she not known that Mrs. Endorfield was an exceedingly and exceptionally sharp woman in the use of her eyes and ears. Fancy went in and sat down. Elizabeth was paring potatoes for her husband's supper. Scrape, scrape, scrape; then a toss, and splash went a potato into a bucket of water. Now, as Fancy listlessly noted these proceedings of the dame, she began to reconsider an old subject that lay uppermost in her heart. Since the interview between her father and Dick, the days had been melancholy days for her. Geoffrey's firm opposition to the notion of Dick as a son-in- law was more than she had expected. She had frequently seen her lover since that time, it is true, and had loved him more for the opposition than she would have otherwise dreamt of doing--which was a happiness of a certain kind. Yet, though love is thus an end in itself, it must be believed to be the means to another end if it is to assume the rosy hues of an unalloyed pleasure. And such a belief Fancy and Dick were emphatically denied just now. Elizabeth Endorfield had a repute among women which was in its nature something between distinction and notoriety. It was founded on the following items of character. She was shrewd and penetrating; her house stood in a lonely place; she never went to church; she wore a red cloak; she always retained her bonnet indoors and she had a pointed chin. Thus far her attributes were distinctly Satanic; and those who looked no further called her, in plain terms, a witch. But she was not gaunt, nor ugly in the upper part of her face, nor particularly strange in manner; so that, when her more intimate acquaintances spoke of her the term was softened, and she became simply a Deep Body, who was as long-headed as she was high. It may be stated that Elizabeth belonged to a class of suspects who were gradually losing their mysterious characteristics under the administration of the young vicar; though, during the long reign of Mr. Grinham, the parish of Mellstock had proved extremely favourable to the growth of witches. While Fancy was revolving all this in her mind, and putting it to herself whether it was worth while to tell her troubles to Elizabeth, and ask her advice in getting out of them, the witch spoke. "You be down--proper down," she said suddenly, dropping another potato into the bucket. Fancy took no notice. "About your young man." Fancy reddened. Elizabeth seemed to be watching her thoughts. Really, one would almost think she must have the powers people ascribed to her. "Father not in the humour for't, hey?" Another potato was finished and flung in. "Ah, I know about it. Little birds tell me things that people don't dream of my knowing." Fancy was desperate about Dick, and here was a chance--O, such a wicked chance--of getting help; and what was goodness beside love! "I wish you'd tell me how to put him in the humour for it?" she said. "That I could soon do," said the witch quietly. "Really? O, do; anyhow--I don't care--so that it is done! How could I do it, Mrs. Endorfield?" "Nothing so mighty wonderful in it." "Well, but how?" "By witchery, of course!" said Elizabeth. "No!" said Fancy. "'Tis, I assure ye. Didn't you ever hear I was a witch?" "Well," hesitated Fancy, "I have heard you called so." "And you believed it?" "I can't say that I did exactly believe it, for 'tis very horrible and wicked; but, O, how I do wish it was possible for you to be one!" "So I am. And I'll tell you how to bewitch your father to let you marry Dick Dewy." "Will it hurt him, poor thing?" "Hurt who?" "Father." "No; the charm is worked by common sense, and the spell can only be broke by your acting stupidly." Fancy looked rather perplexed, and Elizabeth went on: "This fear of Lizz--whatever 'tis-- By great and small; She makes pretence to common sense, And that's all. "You must do it like this." The witch laid down her knife and potato, and then poured into Fancy's ear a long and detailed list of directions, glancing up from the corner of her eye into Fancy's face with an expression of sinister humour. Fancy's face brightened, clouded, rose and sank, as the narrative proceeded. "There," said Elizabeth at length, stooping for the knife and another potato, "do that, and you'll have him by-long and by-late, my dear." "And do it I will!" said Fancy. She then turned her attention to the external world once more. The rain continued as usual, but the wind had abated considerably during the discourse. Judging that it was now possible to keep an umbrella erect, she pulled her hood again over her bonnet, bade the witch good-bye, and went her way. CHAPTER IV: THE SPELL Mrs. Endorfield's advice was duly followed. "I be proper sorry that your daughter isn't so well as she might be," said a Mellstock man to Geoffrey one morning. "But is there anything in it?" said Geoffrey uneasily, as he shifted his hat to the right. "I can't understand the report. She didn't complain to me a bit when I saw her." "No appetite at all, they say." Geoffrey crossed to Mellstock and called at the school that afternoon. Fancy welcomed him as usual, and asked him to stay and take tea with her. "I be'n't much for tea, this time o' day," he said, but stayed. During the meal he watched her narrowly. And to his great consternation discovered the following unprecedented change in the healthy girl--that she cut herself only a diaphanous slice of bread-and-butter, and, laying it on her plate, passed the meal-time in breaking it into pieces, but eating no more than about one-tenth of the slice. Geoffrey hoped she would say something about Dick, and finish up by weeping, as she had done after the decision against him a few days subsequent to the interview in the garden. But nothing was said, and in due time Geoffrey departed again for Yalbury Wood. "'Tis to be hoped poor Miss Fancy will be able to keep on her school," said Geoffrey's man Enoch to Geoffrey the following week, as they were shovelling up ant-hills in the wood. Geoffrey stuck in the shovel, swept seven or eight ants from his sleeve, and killed another that was prowling round his ear, then looked perpendicularly into the earth as usual, waiting for Enoch to say more. "Well, why shouldn't she?" said the keeper at last. "The baker told me yesterday," continued Enoch, shaking out another emmet that had run merrily up his thigh, "that the bread he've left at that there school-house this last month would starve any mouse in the three creations; that 'twould so! And afterwards I had a pint o' small down at Morrs's, and there I heard more." "What might that ha' been?" "That she used to have a pound o' the best rolled butter a week, regular as clockwork, from Dairyman Viney's for herself, as well as just so much salted for the helping girl, and the 'ooman she calls in; but now the same quantity d'last her three weeks, and then 'tis thoughted she throws it away sour." "Finish doing the emmets, and carry the bag home-along." The keeper resumed his gun, tucked it under his arm, and went on without whistling to the dogs, who however followed, with a bearing meant to imply that they did not expect any such attentions when their master was reflecting. On Saturday morning a note came from Fancy. He was not to trouble about sending her the couple of rabbits, as was intended, because she feared she should not want them. Later in the day Geoffrey went to Casterbridge and called upon the butcher who served Fancy with fresh meat, which was put down to her father's account. "I've called to pay up our little bill, Neighbour Haylock, and you can gie me the chiel's account at the same time." Mr. Haylock turned round three quarters of a circle in the midst of a heap of joints, altered the expression of his face from meat to money, went into a little office consisting only of a door and a window, looked very vigorously into a book which possessed length but no breadth; and then, seizing a piece of paper and scribbling thereupon, handed the bill. Probably it was the first time in the history of commercial transactions that the quality of shortness in a butcher's bill was a cause of tribulation to the debtor. "Why, this isn't all she've had in a whole month!" said Geoffrey. "Every mossel," said the butcher--"(now, Dan, take that leg and shoulder to Mrs. White's, and this eleven pound here to Mr. Martin's)--you've been treating her to smaller joints lately, to my thinking, Mr. Day?" "Only two or three little scram rabbits this last week, as I am alive--I wish I had!" "Well, my wife said to me--(Dan! not too much, not too much on that tray at a time; better go twice)--my wife said to me as she posted up the books: she says, 'Miss Day must have been affronted this summer during that hot muggy weather that spolit so much for us; for depend upon't,' she says, 'she've been trying John Grimmett unknown to us: see her account else.' 'Tis little, of course, at the best of times, being only for one, but now 'tis next kin to nothing." "I'll inquire," said Geoffrey despondingly. He returned by way of Mellstock, and called upon Fancy, in fulfilment of a promise. It being Saturday, the children were enjoying a holiday, and on entering the residence Fancy was nowhere to be seen. Nan, the charwoman, was sweeping the kitchen. "Where's my da'ter?" said the keeper. "Well, you see she was tired with the week's teaching, and this morning she said, 'Nan, I sha'n't get up till the evening.' You see, Mr. Day, if people don't eat, they can't work; and as she've gie'd up eating, she must gie up working." "Have ye carried up any dinner to her?" "No; she don't want any. There, we all know that such things don't come without good reason--not that I wish to say anything about a broken heart, or anything of the kind." Geoffrey's own heart felt inconveniently large just then. He went to the staircase and ascended to his daughter's door. "Fancy!" "Come in, father." To see a person in bed from any cause whatever, on a fine afternoon, is depressing enough; and here was his only child Fancy, not only in bed, but looking very pale. Geoffrey was visibly disturbed. "Fancy, I didn't expect to see thee here, chiel," he said. "What's the matter?" "I'm not well, father." "How's that?" "Because I think of things." "What things can you have to think o' so mortal much?" "You know, father." "You think I've been cruel to thee in saying that that penniless Dick o' thine sha'n't marry thee, I suppose?" No answer. "Well, you know, Fancy, I do it for the best, and he isn't good enough for thee. You know that well enough." Here he again looked at her as she lay. "Well, Fancy, I can't let my only chiel die; and if you can't live without en, you must ha' en, I suppose." "O, I don't want him like that; all against your will, and everything so disobedient!" sighed the invalid. "No, no, 'tisn't against my will. My wish is, now I d'see how 'tis hurten thee to live without en, that he shall marry thee as soon as we've considered a little. That's my wish flat and plain, Fancy. There, never cry, my little maid! You ought to ha' cried afore; no need o' crying now 'tis all over. Well, howsoever, try to step over and see me and mother- law to-morrow, and ha' a bit of dinner wi' us." "And--Dick too?" "Ay, Dick too, 'far's I know." "And when do you think you'll have considered, father, and he may marry me?" she coaxed. "Well, there, say next Midsummer; that's not a day too long to wait." On leaving the school Geoffrey went to the tranter's. Old William opened the door. "Is your grandson Dick in 'ithin, William?" "No, not just now, Mr. Day. Though he've been at home a good deal lately." "O, how's that?" "What wi' one thing, and what wi' t'other, he's all in a mope, as might be said. Don't seem the feller he used to. Ay, 'a will sit studding and thinking as if 'a were going to turn chapel-member, and then do nothing but traypse and wamble about. Used to be such a chatty boy, too, Dick did; and now 'a don't speak at all. But won't ye step inside? Reuben will be home soon, 'a b'lieve." "No, thank you, I can't stay now. Will ye just ask Dick if he'll do me the kindness to step over to Yalbury to-morrow with my da'ter Fancy, if she's well enough? I don't like her to come by herself, now she's not so terrible topping in health." "So I've heard. Ay, sure, I'll tell him without fail." CHAPTER V: AFTER GAINING HER POINT The visit to Geoffrey passed off as delightfully as a visit might have been expected to pass off when it was the first day of smooth experience in a hitherto obstructed love-course. And then came a series of several happy days, of the same undisturbed serenity. Dick could court her when he chose; stay away when he chose,--which was never; walk with her by winding streams and waterfalls and autumn scenery till dews and twilight sent them home. And thus they drew near the day of the Harvest Thanksgiving, which was also the time chosen for opening the organ in Mellstock Church. It chanced that Dick on that very day was called away from Mellstock. A young acquaintance had died of consumption at Charmley, a neighbouring village, on the previous Monday, and Dick, in fulfilment of a long-standing promise, was to assist in carrying him to the grave. When on Tuesday, Dick went towards the school to acquaint Fancy with the fact, it is difficult to say whether his own disappointment at being denied the sight of her triumphant debut as organist, was greater than his vexation that his pet should on this great occasion be deprived of the pleasure of his presence. However, the intelligence was communicated. She bore it as she best could, not without many expressions of regret, and convictions that her performance would be nothing to her now. Just before eleven o'clock on Sunday he set out upon his sad errand. The funeral was to be immediately after the morning service, and as there were four good miles to walk, driving being inconvenient, it became necessary to start comparatively early. Half an hour later would certainly have answered his purpose quite as well, yet at the last moment nothing would content his ardent mind but that he must go a mile out of his way in the direction of the school, in the hope of getting a glimpse of his Love as she started for church. Striking, therefore, into the lane towards the school, instead of across the ewelease direct to Charmley, he arrived opposite her door as his goddess emerged. If ever a woman looked a divinity, Fancy Day appeared one that morning as she floated down those school steps, in the form of a nebulous collection of colours inclining to blue. With an audacity unparalleled in the whole history of village-school-mistresses at this date--partly owing, no doubt, to papa's respectable accumulation of cash, which rendered her profession not altogether one of necessity--she had actually donned a hat and feather, and lowered her hitherto plainly looped-up hair, which now fell about her shoulders in a profusion of curls. Poor Dick was astonished: he had never seen her look so distractingly beautiful before, save on Christmas-eve, when her hair was in the same luxuriant condition of freedom. But his first burst of delighted surprise was followed by less comfortable feelings, as soon as his brain recovered its power to think. Fancy had blushed;--was it with confusion? She had also involuntarily pressed back her curls. She had not expected him. "Fancy, you didn't know me for a moment in my funeral clothes, did you?" "Good-morning, Dick--no, really, I didn't know you for an instant in such a sad suit." He looked again at the gay tresses and hat. "You've never dressed so charming before, dearest." "I like to hear you praise me in that way, Dick," she said, smiling archly. "It is meat and drink to a woman. Do I look nice really?" "Fie! you know it. Did you remember,--I mean didn't you remember about my going away to-day?" "Well, yes, I did, Dick; but, you know, I wanted to look well;--forgive me." "Yes, darling; yes, of course,--there's nothing to forgive. No, I was only thinking that when we talked on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday and Friday about my absence to-day, and I was so sorry for it, you said, Fancy, so were you sorry, and almost cried, and said it would be no pleasure to you to be the attraction of the church to-day, since I could not be there." "My dear one, neither will it be so much pleasure to me . . . But I do take a little delight in my life, I suppose," she pouted. "Apart from mine?" She looked at him with perplexed eyes. "I know you are vexed with me, Dick, and it is because the first Sunday I have curls and a hat and feather since I have been here happens to be the very day you are away and won't be with me. Yes, say it is, for that is it! And you think that all this week I ought to have remembered you wouldn't be here to- day, and not have cared to be better dressed than usual. Yes, you do, Dick, and it is rather unkind!" "No, no," said Dick earnestly and simply, "I didn't think so badly of you as that. I only thought that--if you had been going away, I shouldn't have tried new attractions for the eyes of other people. But then of course you and I are different, naturally." "Well, perhaps we are." "Whatever will the vicar say, Fancy?" "I don't fear what he says in the least!" she answered proudly. "But he won't say anything of the sort you think. No, no." "He can hardly have conscience to, indeed." "Now come, you say, Dick, that you quite forgive me, for I must go," she said with sudden gaiety, and skipped backwards into the porch. "Come here, sir;--say you forgive me, and then you shall kiss me;--you never have yet when I have worn curls, you know. Yes, just where you want to so much,--yes, you may!" Dick followed her into the inner corner, where he was probably not slow in availing himself of the privilege offered. "Now that's a treat for you, isn't it?" she continued. "Good-bye, or I shall be late. Come and see me to-morrow: you'll be tired to-night." Thus they parted, and Fancy proceeded to the church. The organ stood on one side of the chancel, close to and under the immediate eye of the vicar when he was in the pulpit, and also in full view of the congregation. Here she sat down, for the first time in such a conspicuous position, her seat having previously been in a remote spot in the aisle. "Good heavens--disgraceful! Curls and a hat and feather!" said the daughters of the small gentry, who had either only curly hair without a hat and feather, or a hat and feather without curly hair. "A bonnet for church always," said sober matrons. That Mr. Maybold was conscious of her presence close beside him during the sermon; that he was not at all angry at her development of costume; that he admired her, she perceived. But she did not see that he loved her during that sermon-time as he had never loved a woman before; that her proximity was a strange delight to him; and that he gloried in her musical success that morning in a spirit quite beyond a mere cleric's glory at the inauguration of a new order of things. The old choir, with humbled hearts, no longer took their seats in the gallery as heretofore (which was now given up to the school-children who were not singers, and a pupil-teacher), but were scattered about with their wives in different parts of the church. Having nothing to do with conducting the service for almost the first time in their lives, they all felt awkward, out of place, abashed, and inconvenienced by their hands. The tranter had proposed that they should stay away to-day and go nutting, but grandfather William would not hear of such a thing for a moment. "No," he replied reproachfully, and quoted a verse: "Though this has come upon us, let not our hearts be turned back, or our steps go out of the way." So they stood and watched the curls of hair trailing down the back of the successful rival, and the waving of her feather, as she swayed her head. After a few timid notes and uncertain touches her playing became markedly correct, and towards the end full and free. But, whether from prejudice or unbiassed judgment, the venerable body of musicians could not help thinking that the simpler notes they had been wont to bring forth were more in keeping with the simplicity of their old church than the crowded chords and interludes it was her pleasure to produce. CHAPTER VI: INTO TEMPTATION The day was done, and Fancy was again in the school-house. About five o'clock it began to rain, and in rather a dull frame of mind she wandered into the schoolroom, for want of something better to do. She was thinking--of her lover Dick Dewy? Not precisely. Of how weary she was of living alone: how unbearable it would be to return to Yalbury under the rule of her strange-tempered step-mother; that it was far better to be married to anybody than do that; that eight or nine long months had yet to be lived through ere the wedding could take place. At the side of the room were high windows of Ham-hill stone, upon either sill of which she could sit by first mounting a desk and using it as a footstool. As the evening advanced here she perched herself, as was her custom on such wet and gloomy occasions, put on a light shawl and bonnet, opened the window, and looked out at the rain. The window overlooked a field called the Grove, and it was the position from which she used to survey the crown of Dick's passing hat in the early days of their acquaintance and meetings. Not a living soul was now visible anywhere; the rain kept all people indoors who were not forced abroad by necessity, and necessity was less importunate on Sundays than during the week. Sitting here and thinking again--of her lover, or of the sensation she had created at church that day?--well, it is unknown--thinking and thinking she saw a dark masculine figure arising into distinctness at the further end of the Grove--a man without an umbrella. Nearer and nearer he came, and she perceived that he was in deep mourning, and then that it was Dick. Yes, in the fondness and foolishness of his young heart, after walking four miles, in a drizzling rain without overcoat or umbrella, and in face of a remark from his love that he was not to come because he would be tired, he had made it his business to wander this mile out of his way again, from sheer wish of spending ten minutes in her presence. "O Dick, how wet you are!" she said, as he drew up under the window. "Why, your coat shines as if it had been varnished, and your hat--my goodness, there's a streaming hat!" "O, I don't mind, darling!" said Dick cheerfully. "Wet never hurts me, though I am rather sorry for my best clothes. However, it couldn't be helped; we lent all the umbrellas to the women. I don't know when I shall get mine back!" "And look, there's a nasty patch of something just on your shoulder." "Ah, that's japanning; it rubbed off the clamps of poor Jack's coffin when we lowered him from our shoulders upon the bier! I don't care about that, for 'twas the last deed I could do for him; and 'tis hard if you can't afford a coat for an old friend." Fancy put her hand to her mouth for half a minute. Underneath the palm of that little hand there existed for that half-minute a little yawn. "Dick, I don't like you to stand there in the wet. And you mustn't sit down. Go home and change your things. Don't stay another minute." "One kiss after coming so far," he pleaded. "If I can reach, then." He looked rather disappointed at not being invited round to the door. She twisted from her seated position and bent herself downwards, but not even by standing on the plinth was it possible for Dick to get his lips into contact with hers as she held them. By great exertion she might have reached a little lower; but then she would have exposed her head to the rain. "Never mind, Dick; kiss my hand," she said, flinging it down to him. "Now, good-bye." "Good-bye." He walked slowly away, turning and turning again to look at her till he was out of sight. During the retreat she said to herself, almost involuntarily, and still conscious of that morning's triumph--"I like Dick, and I love him; but how plain and sorry a man looks in the rain, with no umbrella, and wet through!" As he vanished, she made as if to descend from her seat; but glancing in the other direction she saw another form coming along the same track. It was also that of a man. He, too, was in black from top to toe; but he carried an umbrella. He drew nearer, and the direction of the rain caused him so to slant his umbrella that from her height above the ground his head was invisible, as she was also to him. He passed in due time directly beneath her, and in looking down upon the exterior of his umbrella her feminine eyes perceived it to be of superior silk--less common at that date than since--and of elegant make. He reached the entrance to the building, and Fancy suddenly lost sight of him. Instead of pursuing the roadway as Dick had done he had turned sharply round into her own porch. She jumped to the floor, hastily flung off her shawl and bonnet, smoothed and patted her hair till the curls hung in passable condition, and listened. No knock. Nearly a minute passed, and still there was no knock. Then there arose a soft series of raps, no louder than the tapping of a distant woodpecker, and barely distinct enough to reach her ears. She composed herself and flung open the door. In the porch stood Mr. Maybold. There was a warm flush upon his face, and a bright flash in his eyes, which made him look handsomer than she had ever seen him before. "Good-evening, Miss Day." "Good-evening, Mr. Maybold," she said, in a strange state of mind. She had noticed, beyond the ardent hue of his face, that his voice had a singular tremor in it, and that his hand shook like an aspen leaf when he laid his umbrella in the corner of the

ear

How many times the word 'ear' appears in the text?

Dewy." "Good-night, Mr. Day." Modest Dick's reply had faltered upon his tongue, and he turned away wondering at his presumption in asking for a woman whom he had seen from the beginning to be so superior to him. CHAPTER III: FANCY IN THE RAIN The next scene is a tempestuous afternoon in the following month, and Fancy Day is discovered walking from her father's home towards Mellstock. A single vast gray cloud covered the country, from which the small rain and mist had just begun to blow down in wavy sheets, alternately thick and thin. The trees of the fields and plantations writhed like miserable men as the air wound its way swiftly among them: the lowest portions of their trunks, that had hardly ever been known to move, were visibly rocked by the fiercer gusts, distressing the mind by its painful unwontedness, as when a strong man is seen to shed tears. Low-hanging boughs went up and down; high and erect boughs went to and fro; the blasts being so irregular, and divided into so many cross-currents, that neighbouring branches of the same tree swept the skies in independent motions, crossed each other, or became entangled. Across the open spaces flew flocks of green and yellowish leaves, which, after travelling a long distance from their parent trees, reached the ground, and lay there with their under-sides upward. As the rain and wind increased, and Fancy's bonnet-ribbons leapt more and more snappishly against her chin, she paused on entering Mellstock Lane to consider her latitude, and the distance to a place of shelter. The nearest house was Elizabeth Endorfield's, in Higher Mellstock, whose cottage and garden stood not far from the junction of that hamlet with the road she followed. Fancy hastened onward, and in five minutes entered a gate, which shed upon her toes a flood of water-drops as she opened it. "Come in, chiel!" a voice exclaimed, before Fancy had knocked: a promptness that would have surprised her had she not known that Mrs. Endorfield was an exceedingly and exceptionally sharp woman in the use of her eyes and ears. Fancy went in and sat down. Elizabeth was paring potatoes for her husband's supper. Scrape, scrape, scrape; then a toss, and splash went a potato into a bucket of water. Now, as Fancy listlessly noted these proceedings of the dame, she began to reconsider an old subject that lay uppermost in her heart. Since the interview between her father and Dick, the days had been melancholy days for her. Geoffrey's firm opposition to the notion of Dick as a son-in- law was more than she had expected. She had frequently seen her lover since that time, it is true, and had loved him more for the opposition than she would have otherwise dreamt of doing--which was a happiness of a certain kind. Yet, though love is thus an end in itself, it must be believed to be the means to another end if it is to assume the rosy hues of an unalloyed pleasure. And such a belief Fancy and Dick were emphatically denied just now. Elizabeth Endorfield had a repute among women which was in its nature something between distinction and notoriety. It was founded on the following items of character. She was shrewd and penetrating; her house stood in a lonely place; she never went to church; she wore a red cloak; she always retained her bonnet indoors and she had a pointed chin. Thus far her attributes were distinctly Satanic; and those who looked no further called her, in plain terms, a witch. But she was not gaunt, nor ugly in the upper part of her face, nor particularly strange in manner; so that, when her more intimate acquaintances spoke of her the term was softened, and she became simply a Deep Body, who was as long-headed as she was high. It may be stated that Elizabeth belonged to a class of suspects who were gradually losing their mysterious characteristics under the administration of the young vicar; though, during the long reign of Mr. Grinham, the parish of Mellstock had proved extremely favourable to the growth of witches. While Fancy was revolving all this in her mind, and putting it to herself whether it was worth while to tell her troubles to Elizabeth, and ask her advice in getting out of them, the witch spoke. "You be down--proper down," she said suddenly, dropping another potato into the bucket. Fancy took no notice. "About your young man." Fancy reddened. Elizabeth seemed to be watching her thoughts. Really, one would almost think she must have the powers people ascribed to her. "Father not in the humour for't, hey?" Another potato was finished and flung in. "Ah, I know about it. Little birds tell me things that people don't dream of my knowing." Fancy was desperate about Dick, and here was a chance--O, such a wicked chance--of getting help; and what was goodness beside love! "I wish you'd tell me how to put him in the humour for it?" she said. "That I could soon do," said the witch quietly. "Really? O, do; anyhow--I don't care--so that it is done! How could I do it, Mrs. Endorfield?" "Nothing so mighty wonderful in it." "Well, but how?" "By witchery, of course!" said Elizabeth. "No!" said Fancy. "'Tis, I assure ye. Didn't you ever hear I was a witch?" "Well," hesitated Fancy, "I have heard you called so." "And you believed it?" "I can't say that I did exactly believe it, for 'tis very horrible and wicked; but, O, how I do wish it was possible for you to be one!" "So I am. And I'll tell you how to bewitch your father to let you marry Dick Dewy." "Will it hurt him, poor thing?" "Hurt who?" "Father." "No; the charm is worked by common sense, and the spell can only be broke by your acting stupidly." Fancy looked rather perplexed, and Elizabeth went on: "This fear of Lizz--whatever 'tis-- By great and small; She makes pretence to common sense, And that's all. "You must do it like this." The witch laid down her knife and potato, and then poured into Fancy's ear a long and detailed list of directions, glancing up from the corner of her eye into Fancy's face with an expression of sinister humour. Fancy's face brightened, clouded, rose and sank, as the narrative proceeded. "There," said Elizabeth at length, stooping for the knife and another potato, "do that, and you'll have him by-long and by-late, my dear." "And do it I will!" said Fancy. She then turned her attention to the external world once more. The rain continued as usual, but the wind had abated considerably during the discourse. Judging that it was now possible to keep an umbrella erect, she pulled her hood again over her bonnet, bade the witch good-bye, and went her way. CHAPTER IV: THE SPELL Mrs. Endorfield's advice was duly followed. "I be proper sorry that your daughter isn't so well as she might be," said a Mellstock man to Geoffrey one morning. "But is there anything in it?" said Geoffrey uneasily, as he shifted his hat to the right. "I can't understand the report. She didn't complain to me a bit when I saw her." "No appetite at all, they say." Geoffrey crossed to Mellstock and called at the school that afternoon. Fancy welcomed him as usual, and asked him to stay and take tea with her. "I be'n't much for tea, this time o' day," he said, but stayed. During the meal he watched her narrowly. And to his great consternation discovered the following unprecedented change in the healthy girl--that she cut herself only a diaphanous slice of bread-and-butter, and, laying it on her plate, passed the meal-time in breaking it into pieces, but eating no more than about one-tenth of the slice. Geoffrey hoped she would say something about Dick, and finish up by weeping, as she had done after the decision against him a few days subsequent to the interview in the garden. But nothing was said, and in due time Geoffrey departed again for Yalbury Wood. "'Tis to be hoped poor Miss Fancy will be able to keep on her school," said Geoffrey's man Enoch to Geoffrey the following week, as they were shovelling up ant-hills in the wood. Geoffrey stuck in the shovel, swept seven or eight ants from his sleeve, and killed another that was prowling round his ear, then looked perpendicularly into the earth as usual, waiting for Enoch to say more. "Well, why shouldn't she?" said the keeper at last. "The baker told me yesterday," continued Enoch, shaking out another emmet that had run merrily up his thigh, "that the bread he've left at that there school-house this last month would starve any mouse in the three creations; that 'twould so! And afterwards I had a pint o' small down at Morrs's, and there I heard more." "What might that ha' been?" "That she used to have a pound o' the best rolled butter a week, regular as clockwork, from Dairyman Viney's for herself, as well as just so much salted for the helping girl, and the 'ooman she calls in; but now the same quantity d'last her three weeks, and then 'tis thoughted she throws it away sour." "Finish doing the emmets, and carry the bag home-along." The keeper resumed his gun, tucked it under his arm, and went on without whistling to the dogs, who however followed, with a bearing meant to imply that they did not expect any such attentions when their master was reflecting. On Saturday morning a note came from Fancy. He was not to trouble about sending her the couple of rabbits, as was intended, because she feared she should not want them. Later in the day Geoffrey went to Casterbridge and called upon the butcher who served Fancy with fresh meat, which was put down to her father's account. "I've called to pay up our little bill, Neighbour Haylock, and you can gie me the chiel's account at the same time." Mr. Haylock turned round three quarters of a circle in the midst of a heap of joints, altered the expression of his face from meat to money, went into a little office consisting only of a door and a window, looked very vigorously into a book which possessed length but no breadth; and then, seizing a piece of paper and scribbling thereupon, handed the bill. Probably it was the first time in the history of commercial transactions that the quality of shortness in a butcher's bill was a cause of tribulation to the debtor. "Why, this isn't all she've had in a whole month!" said Geoffrey. "Every mossel," said the butcher--"(now, Dan, take that leg and shoulder to Mrs. White's, and this eleven pound here to Mr. Martin's)--you've been treating her to smaller joints lately, to my thinking, Mr. Day?" "Only two or three little scram rabbits this last week, as I am alive--I wish I had!" "Well, my wife said to me--(Dan! not too much, not too much on that tray at a time; better go twice)--my wife said to me as she posted up the books: she says, 'Miss Day must have been affronted this summer during that hot muggy weather that spolit so much for us; for depend upon't,' she says, 'she've been trying John Grimmett unknown to us: see her account else.' 'Tis little, of course, at the best of times, being only for one, but now 'tis next kin to nothing." "I'll inquire," said Geoffrey despondingly. He returned by way of Mellstock, and called upon Fancy, in fulfilment of a promise. It being Saturday, the children were enjoying a holiday, and on entering the residence Fancy was nowhere to be seen. Nan, the charwoman, was sweeping the kitchen. "Where's my da'ter?" said the keeper. "Well, you see she was tired with the week's teaching, and this morning she said, 'Nan, I sha'n't get up till the evening.' You see, Mr. Day, if people don't eat, they can't work; and as she've gie'd up eating, she must gie up working." "Have ye carried up any dinner to her?" "No; she don't want any. There, we all know that such things don't come without good reason--not that I wish to say anything about a broken heart, or anything of the kind." Geoffrey's own heart felt inconveniently large just then. He went to the staircase and ascended to his daughter's door. "Fancy!" "Come in, father." To see a person in bed from any cause whatever, on a fine afternoon, is depressing enough; and here was his only child Fancy, not only in bed, but looking very pale. Geoffrey was visibly disturbed. "Fancy, I didn't expect to see thee here, chiel," he said. "What's the matter?" "I'm not well, father." "How's that?" "Because I think of things." "What things can you have to think o' so mortal much?" "You know, father." "You think I've been cruel to thee in saying that that penniless Dick o' thine sha'n't marry thee, I suppose?" No answer. "Well, you know, Fancy, I do it for the best, and he isn't good enough for thee. You know that well enough." Here he again looked at her as she lay. "Well, Fancy, I can't let my only chiel die; and if you can't live without en, you must ha' en, I suppose." "O, I don't want him like that; all against your will, and everything so disobedient!" sighed the invalid. "No, no, 'tisn't against my will. My wish is, now I d'see how 'tis hurten thee to live without en, that he shall marry thee as soon as we've considered a little. That's my wish flat and plain, Fancy. There, never cry, my little maid! You ought to ha' cried afore; no need o' crying now 'tis all over. Well, howsoever, try to step over and see me and mother- law to-morrow, and ha' a bit of dinner wi' us." "And--Dick too?" "Ay, Dick too, 'far's I know." "And when do you think you'll have considered, father, and he may marry me?" she coaxed. "Well, there, say next Midsummer; that's not a day too long to wait." On leaving the school Geoffrey went to the tranter's. Old William opened the door. "Is your grandson Dick in 'ithin, William?" "No, not just now, Mr. Day. Though he've been at home a good deal lately." "O, how's that?" "What wi' one thing, and what wi' t'other, he's all in a mope, as might be said. Don't seem the feller he used to. Ay, 'a will sit studding and thinking as if 'a were going to turn chapel-member, and then do nothing but traypse and wamble about. Used to be such a chatty boy, too, Dick did; and now 'a don't speak at all. But won't ye step inside? Reuben will be home soon, 'a b'lieve." "No, thank you, I can't stay now. Will ye just ask Dick if he'll do me the kindness to step over to Yalbury to-morrow with my da'ter Fancy, if she's well enough? I don't like her to come by herself, now she's not so terrible topping in health." "So I've heard. Ay, sure, I'll tell him without fail." CHAPTER V: AFTER GAINING HER POINT The visit to Geoffrey passed off as delightfully as a visit might have been expected to pass off when it was the first day of smooth experience in a hitherto obstructed love-course. And then came a series of several happy days, of the same undisturbed serenity. Dick could court her when he chose; stay away when he chose,--which was never; walk with her by winding streams and waterfalls and autumn scenery till dews and twilight sent them home. And thus they drew near the day of the Harvest Thanksgiving, which was also the time chosen for opening the organ in Mellstock Church. It chanced that Dick on that very day was called away from Mellstock. A young acquaintance had died of consumption at Charmley, a neighbouring village, on the previous Monday, and Dick, in fulfilment of a long-standing promise, was to assist in carrying him to the grave. When on Tuesday, Dick went towards the school to acquaint Fancy with the fact, it is difficult to say whether his own disappointment at being denied the sight of her triumphant debut as organist, was greater than his vexation that his pet should on this great occasion be deprived of the pleasure of his presence. However, the intelligence was communicated. She bore it as she best could, not without many expressions of regret, and convictions that her performance would be nothing to her now. Just before eleven o'clock on Sunday he set out upon his sad errand. The funeral was to be immediately after the morning service, and as there were four good miles to walk, driving being inconvenient, it became necessary to start comparatively early. Half an hour later would certainly have answered his purpose quite as well, yet at the last moment nothing would content his ardent mind but that he must go a mile out of his way in the direction of the school, in the hope of getting a glimpse of his Love as she started for church. Striking, therefore, into the lane towards the school, instead of across the ewelease direct to Charmley, he arrived opposite her door as his goddess emerged. If ever a woman looked a divinity, Fancy Day appeared one that morning as she floated down those school steps, in the form of a nebulous collection of colours inclining to blue. With an audacity unparalleled in the whole history of village-school-mistresses at this date--partly owing, no doubt, to papa's respectable accumulation of cash, which rendered her profession not altogether one of necessity--she had actually donned a hat and feather, and lowered her hitherto plainly looped-up hair, which now fell about her shoulders in a profusion of curls. Poor Dick was astonished: he had never seen her look so distractingly beautiful before, save on Christmas-eve, when her hair was in the same luxuriant condition of freedom. But his first burst of delighted surprise was followed by less comfortable feelings, as soon as his brain recovered its power to think. Fancy had blushed;--was it with confusion? She had also involuntarily pressed back her curls. She had not expected him. "Fancy, you didn't know me for a moment in my funeral clothes, did you?" "Good-morning, Dick--no, really, I didn't know you for an instant in such a sad suit." He looked again at the gay tresses and hat. "You've never dressed so charming before, dearest." "I like to hear you praise me in that way, Dick," she said, smiling archly. "It is meat and drink to a woman. Do I look nice really?" "Fie! you know it. Did you remember,--I mean didn't you remember about my going away to-day?" "Well, yes, I did, Dick; but, you know, I wanted to look well;--forgive me." "Yes, darling; yes, of course,--there's nothing to forgive. No, I was only thinking that when we talked on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday and Friday about my absence to-day, and I was so sorry for it, you said, Fancy, so were you sorry, and almost cried, and said it would be no pleasure to you to be the attraction of the church to-day, since I could not be there." "My dear one, neither will it be so much pleasure to me . . . But I do take a little delight in my life, I suppose," she pouted. "Apart from mine?" She looked at him with perplexed eyes. "I know you are vexed with me, Dick, and it is because the first Sunday I have curls and a hat and feather since I have been here happens to be the very day you are away and won't be with me. Yes, say it is, for that is it! And you think that all this week I ought to have remembered you wouldn't be here to- day, and not have cared to be better dressed than usual. Yes, you do, Dick, and it is rather unkind!" "No, no," said Dick earnestly and simply, "I didn't think so badly of you as that. I only thought that--if you had been going away, I shouldn't have tried new attractions for the eyes of other people. But then of course you and I are different, naturally." "Well, perhaps we are." "Whatever will the vicar say, Fancy?" "I don't fear what he says in the least!" she answered proudly. "But he won't say anything of the sort you think. No, no." "He can hardly have conscience to, indeed." "Now come, you say, Dick, that you quite forgive me, for I must go," she said with sudden gaiety, and skipped backwards into the porch. "Come here, sir;--say you forgive me, and then you shall kiss me;--you never have yet when I have worn curls, you know. Yes, just where you want to so much,--yes, you may!" Dick followed her into the inner corner, where he was probably not slow in availing himself of the privilege offered. "Now that's a treat for you, isn't it?" she continued. "Good-bye, or I shall be late. Come and see me to-morrow: you'll be tired to-night." Thus they parted, and Fancy proceeded to the church. The organ stood on one side of the chancel, close to and under the immediate eye of the vicar when he was in the pulpit, and also in full view of the congregation. Here she sat down, for the first time in such a conspicuous position, her seat having previously been in a remote spot in the aisle. "Good heavens--disgraceful! Curls and a hat and feather!" said the daughters of the small gentry, who had either only curly hair without a hat and feather, or a hat and feather without curly hair. "A bonnet for church always," said sober matrons. That Mr. Maybold was conscious of her presence close beside him during the sermon; that he was not at all angry at her development of costume; that he admired her, she perceived. But she did not see that he loved her during that sermon-time as he had never loved a woman before; that her proximity was a strange delight to him; and that he gloried in her musical success that morning in a spirit quite beyond a mere cleric's glory at the inauguration of a new order of things. The old choir, with humbled hearts, no longer took their seats in the gallery as heretofore (which was now given up to the school-children who were not singers, and a pupil-teacher), but were scattered about with their wives in different parts of the church. Having nothing to do with conducting the service for almost the first time in their lives, they all felt awkward, out of place, abashed, and inconvenienced by their hands. The tranter had proposed that they should stay away to-day and go nutting, but grandfather William would not hear of such a thing for a moment. "No," he replied reproachfully, and quoted a verse: "Though this has come upon us, let not our hearts be turned back, or our steps go out of the way." So they stood and watched the curls of hair trailing down the back of the successful rival, and the waving of her feather, as she swayed her head. After a few timid notes and uncertain touches her playing became markedly correct, and towards the end full and free. But, whether from prejudice or unbiassed judgment, the venerable body of musicians could not help thinking that the simpler notes they had been wont to bring forth were more in keeping with the simplicity of their old church than the crowded chords and interludes it was her pleasure to produce. CHAPTER VI: INTO TEMPTATION The day was done, and Fancy was again in the school-house. About five o'clock it began to rain, and in rather a dull frame of mind she wandered into the schoolroom, for want of something better to do. She was thinking--of her lover Dick Dewy? Not precisely. Of how weary she was of living alone: how unbearable it would be to return to Yalbury under the rule of her strange-tempered step-mother; that it was far better to be married to anybody than do that; that eight or nine long months had yet to be lived through ere the wedding could take place. At the side of the room were high windows of Ham-hill stone, upon either sill of which she could sit by first mounting a desk and using it as a footstool. As the evening advanced here she perched herself, as was her custom on such wet and gloomy occasions, put on a light shawl and bonnet, opened the window, and looked out at the rain. The window overlooked a field called the Grove, and it was the position from which she used to survey the crown of Dick's passing hat in the early days of their acquaintance and meetings. Not a living soul was now visible anywhere; the rain kept all people indoors who were not forced abroad by necessity, and necessity was less importunate on Sundays than during the week. Sitting here and thinking again--of her lover, or of the sensation she had created at church that day?--well, it is unknown--thinking and thinking she saw a dark masculine figure arising into distinctness at the further end of the Grove--a man without an umbrella. Nearer and nearer he came, and she perceived that he was in deep mourning, and then that it was Dick. Yes, in the fondness and foolishness of his young heart, after walking four miles, in a drizzling rain without overcoat or umbrella, and in face of a remark from his love that he was not to come because he would be tired, he had made it his business to wander this mile out of his way again, from sheer wish of spending ten minutes in her presence. "O Dick, how wet you are!" she said, as he drew up under the window. "Why, your coat shines as if it had been varnished, and your hat--my goodness, there's a streaming hat!" "O, I don't mind, darling!" said Dick cheerfully. "Wet never hurts me, though I am rather sorry for my best clothes. However, it couldn't be helped; we lent all the umbrellas to the women. I don't know when I shall get mine back!" "And look, there's a nasty patch of something just on your shoulder." "Ah, that's japanning; it rubbed off the clamps of poor Jack's coffin when we lowered him from our shoulders upon the bier! I don't care about that, for 'twas the last deed I could do for him; and 'tis hard if you can't afford a coat for an old friend." Fancy put her hand to her mouth for half a minute. Underneath the palm of that little hand there existed for that half-minute a little yawn. "Dick, I don't like you to stand there in the wet. And you mustn't sit down. Go home and change your things. Don't stay another minute." "One kiss after coming so far," he pleaded. "If I can reach, then." He looked rather disappointed at not being invited round to the door. She twisted from her seated position and bent herself downwards, but not even by standing on the plinth was it possible for Dick to get his lips into contact with hers as she held them. By great exertion she might have reached a little lower; but then she would have exposed her head to the rain. "Never mind, Dick; kiss my hand," she said, flinging it down to him. "Now, good-bye." "Good-bye." He walked slowly away, turning and turning again to look at her till he was out of sight. During the retreat she said to herself, almost involuntarily, and still conscious of that morning's triumph--"I like Dick, and I love him; but how plain and sorry a man looks in the rain, with no umbrella, and wet through!" As he vanished, she made as if to descend from her seat; but glancing in the other direction she saw another form coming along the same track. It was also that of a man. He, too, was in black from top to toe; but he carried an umbrella. He drew nearer, and the direction of the rain caused him so to slant his umbrella that from her height above the ground his head was invisible, as she was also to him. He passed in due time directly beneath her, and in looking down upon the exterior of his umbrella her feminine eyes perceived it to be of superior silk--less common at that date than since--and of elegant make. He reached the entrance to the building, and Fancy suddenly lost sight of him. Instead of pursuing the roadway as Dick had done he had turned sharply round into her own porch. She jumped to the floor, hastily flung off her shawl and bonnet, smoothed and patted her hair till the curls hung in passable condition, and listened. No knock. Nearly a minute passed, and still there was no knock. Then there arose a soft series of raps, no louder than the tapping of a distant woodpecker, and barely distinct enough to reach her ears. She composed herself and flung open the door. In the porch stood Mr. Maybold. There was a warm flush upon his face, and a bright flash in his eyes, which made him look handsomer than she had ever seen him before. "Good-evening, Miss Day." "Good-evening, Mr. Maybold," she said, in a strange state of mind. She had noticed, beyond the ardent hue of his face, that his voice had a singular tremor in it, and that his hand shook like an aspen leaf when he laid his umbrella in the corner of the

unlooked

How many times the word 'unlooked' appears in the text?

Dewy." "Good-night, Mr. Day." Modest Dick's reply had faltered upon his tongue, and he turned away wondering at his presumption in asking for a woman whom he had seen from the beginning to be so superior to him. CHAPTER III: FANCY IN THE RAIN The next scene is a tempestuous afternoon in the following month, and Fancy Day is discovered walking from her father's home towards Mellstock. A single vast gray cloud covered the country, from which the small rain and mist had just begun to blow down in wavy sheets, alternately thick and thin. The trees of the fields and plantations writhed like miserable men as the air wound its way swiftly among them: the lowest portions of their trunks, that had hardly ever been known to move, were visibly rocked by the fiercer gusts, distressing the mind by its painful unwontedness, as when a strong man is seen to shed tears. Low-hanging boughs went up and down; high and erect boughs went to and fro; the blasts being so irregular, and divided into so many cross-currents, that neighbouring branches of the same tree swept the skies in independent motions, crossed each other, or became entangled. Across the open spaces flew flocks of green and yellowish leaves, which, after travelling a long distance from their parent trees, reached the ground, and lay there with their under-sides upward. As the rain and wind increased, and Fancy's bonnet-ribbons leapt more and more snappishly against her chin, she paused on entering Mellstock Lane to consider her latitude, and the distance to a place of shelter. The nearest house was Elizabeth Endorfield's, in Higher Mellstock, whose cottage and garden stood not far from the junction of that hamlet with the road she followed. Fancy hastened onward, and in five minutes entered a gate, which shed upon her toes a flood of water-drops as she opened it. "Come in, chiel!" a voice exclaimed, before Fancy had knocked: a promptness that would have surprised her had she not known that Mrs. Endorfield was an exceedingly and exceptionally sharp woman in the use of her eyes and ears. Fancy went in and sat down. Elizabeth was paring potatoes for her husband's supper. Scrape, scrape, scrape; then a toss, and splash went a potato into a bucket of water. Now, as Fancy listlessly noted these proceedings of the dame, she began to reconsider an old subject that lay uppermost in her heart. Since the interview between her father and Dick, the days had been melancholy days for her. Geoffrey's firm opposition to the notion of Dick as a son-in- law was more than she had expected. She had frequently seen her lover since that time, it is true, and had loved him more for the opposition than she would have otherwise dreamt of doing--which was a happiness of a certain kind. Yet, though love is thus an end in itself, it must be believed to be the means to another end if it is to assume the rosy hues of an unalloyed pleasure. And such a belief Fancy and Dick were emphatically denied just now. Elizabeth Endorfield had a repute among women which was in its nature something between distinction and notoriety. It was founded on the following items of character. She was shrewd and penetrating; her house stood in a lonely place; she never went to church; she wore a red cloak; she always retained her bonnet indoors and she had a pointed chin. Thus far her attributes were distinctly Satanic; and those who looked no further called her, in plain terms, a witch. But she was not gaunt, nor ugly in the upper part of her face, nor particularly strange in manner; so that, when her more intimate acquaintances spoke of her the term was softened, and she became simply a Deep Body, who was as long-headed as she was high. It may be stated that Elizabeth belonged to a class of suspects who were gradually losing their mysterious characteristics under the administration of the young vicar; though, during the long reign of Mr. Grinham, the parish of Mellstock had proved extremely favourable to the growth of witches. While Fancy was revolving all this in her mind, and putting it to herself whether it was worth while to tell her troubles to Elizabeth, and ask her advice in getting out of them, the witch spoke. "You be down--proper down," she said suddenly, dropping another potato into the bucket. Fancy took no notice. "About your young man." Fancy reddened. Elizabeth seemed to be watching her thoughts. Really, one would almost think she must have the powers people ascribed to her. "Father not in the humour for't, hey?" Another potato was finished and flung in. "Ah, I know about it. Little birds tell me things that people don't dream of my knowing." Fancy was desperate about Dick, and here was a chance--O, such a wicked chance--of getting help; and what was goodness beside love! "I wish you'd tell me how to put him in the humour for it?" she said. "That I could soon do," said the witch quietly. "Really? O, do; anyhow--I don't care--so that it is done! How could I do it, Mrs. Endorfield?" "Nothing so mighty wonderful in it." "Well, but how?" "By witchery, of course!" said Elizabeth. "No!" said Fancy. "'Tis, I assure ye. Didn't you ever hear I was a witch?" "Well," hesitated Fancy, "I have heard you called so." "And you believed it?" "I can't say that I did exactly believe it, for 'tis very horrible and wicked; but, O, how I do wish it was possible for you to be one!" "So I am. And I'll tell you how to bewitch your father to let you marry Dick Dewy." "Will it hurt him, poor thing?" "Hurt who?" "Father." "No; the charm is worked by common sense, and the spell can only be broke by your acting stupidly." Fancy looked rather perplexed, and Elizabeth went on: "This fear of Lizz--whatever 'tis-- By great and small; She makes pretence to common sense, And that's all. "You must do it like this." The witch laid down her knife and potato, and then poured into Fancy's ear a long and detailed list of directions, glancing up from the corner of her eye into Fancy's face with an expression of sinister humour. Fancy's face brightened, clouded, rose and sank, as the narrative proceeded. "There," said Elizabeth at length, stooping for the knife and another potato, "do that, and you'll have him by-long and by-late, my dear." "And do it I will!" said Fancy. She then turned her attention to the external world once more. The rain continued as usual, but the wind had abated considerably during the discourse. Judging that it was now possible to keep an umbrella erect, she pulled her hood again over her bonnet, bade the witch good-bye, and went her way. CHAPTER IV: THE SPELL Mrs. Endorfield's advice was duly followed. "I be proper sorry that your daughter isn't so well as she might be," said a Mellstock man to Geoffrey one morning. "But is there anything in it?" said Geoffrey uneasily, as he shifted his hat to the right. "I can't understand the report. She didn't complain to me a bit when I saw her." "No appetite at all, they say." Geoffrey crossed to Mellstock and called at the school that afternoon. Fancy welcomed him as usual, and asked him to stay and take tea with her. "I be'n't much for tea, this time o' day," he said, but stayed. During the meal he watched her narrowly. And to his great consternation discovered the following unprecedented change in the healthy girl--that she cut herself only a diaphanous slice of bread-and-butter, and, laying it on her plate, passed the meal-time in breaking it into pieces, but eating no more than about one-tenth of the slice. Geoffrey hoped she would say something about Dick, and finish up by weeping, as she had done after the decision against him a few days subsequent to the interview in the garden. But nothing was said, and in due time Geoffrey departed again for Yalbury Wood. "'Tis to be hoped poor Miss Fancy will be able to keep on her school," said Geoffrey's man Enoch to Geoffrey the following week, as they were shovelling up ant-hills in the wood. Geoffrey stuck in the shovel, swept seven or eight ants from his sleeve, and killed another that was prowling round his ear, then looked perpendicularly into the earth as usual, waiting for Enoch to say more. "Well, why shouldn't she?" said the keeper at last. "The baker told me yesterday," continued Enoch, shaking out another emmet that had run merrily up his thigh, "that the bread he've left at that there school-house this last month would starve any mouse in the three creations; that 'twould so! And afterwards I had a pint o' small down at Morrs's, and there I heard more." "What might that ha' been?" "That she used to have a pound o' the best rolled butter a week, regular as clockwork, from Dairyman Viney's for herself, as well as just so much salted for the helping girl, and the 'ooman she calls in; but now the same quantity d'last her three weeks, and then 'tis thoughted she throws it away sour." "Finish doing the emmets, and carry the bag home-along." The keeper resumed his gun, tucked it under his arm, and went on without whistling to the dogs, who however followed, with a bearing meant to imply that they did not expect any such attentions when their master was reflecting. On Saturday morning a note came from Fancy. He was not to trouble about sending her the couple of rabbits, as was intended, because she feared she should not want them. Later in the day Geoffrey went to Casterbridge and called upon the butcher who served Fancy with fresh meat, which was put down to her father's account. "I've called to pay up our little bill, Neighbour Haylock, and you can gie me the chiel's account at the same time." Mr. Haylock turned round three quarters of a circle in the midst of a heap of joints, altered the expression of his face from meat to money, went into a little office consisting only of a door and a window, looked very vigorously into a book which possessed length but no breadth; and then, seizing a piece of paper and scribbling thereupon, handed the bill. Probably it was the first time in the history of commercial transactions that the quality of shortness in a butcher's bill was a cause of tribulation to the debtor. "Why, this isn't all she've had in a whole month!" said Geoffrey. "Every mossel," said the butcher--"(now, Dan, take that leg and shoulder to Mrs. White's, and this eleven pound here to Mr. Martin's)--you've been treating her to smaller joints lately, to my thinking, Mr. Day?" "Only two or three little scram rabbits this last week, as I am alive--I wish I had!" "Well, my wife said to me--(Dan! not too much, not too much on that tray at a time; better go twice)--my wife said to me as she posted up the books: she says, 'Miss Day must have been affronted this summer during that hot muggy weather that spolit so much for us; for depend upon't,' she says, 'she've been trying John Grimmett unknown to us: see her account else.' 'Tis little, of course, at the best of times, being only for one, but now 'tis next kin to nothing." "I'll inquire," said Geoffrey despondingly. He returned by way of Mellstock, and called upon Fancy, in fulfilment of a promise. It being Saturday, the children were enjoying a holiday, and on entering the residence Fancy was nowhere to be seen. Nan, the charwoman, was sweeping the kitchen. "Where's my da'ter?" said the keeper. "Well, you see she was tired with the week's teaching, and this morning she said, 'Nan, I sha'n't get up till the evening.' You see, Mr. Day, if people don't eat, they can't work; and as she've gie'd up eating, she must gie up working." "Have ye carried up any dinner to her?" "No; she don't want any. There, we all know that such things don't come without good reason--not that I wish to say anything about a broken heart, or anything of the kind." Geoffrey's own heart felt inconveniently large just then. He went to the staircase and ascended to his daughter's door. "Fancy!" "Come in, father." To see a person in bed from any cause whatever, on a fine afternoon, is depressing enough; and here was his only child Fancy, not only in bed, but looking very pale. Geoffrey was visibly disturbed. "Fancy, I didn't expect to see thee here, chiel," he said. "What's the matter?" "I'm not well, father." "How's that?" "Because I think of things." "What things can you have to think o' so mortal much?" "You know, father." "You think I've been cruel to thee in saying that that penniless Dick o' thine sha'n't marry thee, I suppose?" No answer. "Well, you know, Fancy, I do it for the best, and he isn't good enough for thee. You know that well enough." Here he again looked at her as she lay. "Well, Fancy, I can't let my only chiel die; and if you can't live without en, you must ha' en, I suppose." "O, I don't want him like that; all against your will, and everything so disobedient!" sighed the invalid. "No, no, 'tisn't against my will. My wish is, now I d'see how 'tis hurten thee to live without en, that he shall marry thee as soon as we've considered a little. That's my wish flat and plain, Fancy. There, never cry, my little maid! You ought to ha' cried afore; no need o' crying now 'tis all over. Well, howsoever, try to step over and see me and mother- law to-morrow, and ha' a bit of dinner wi' us." "And--Dick too?" "Ay, Dick too, 'far's I know." "And when do you think you'll have considered, father, and he may marry me?" she coaxed. "Well, there, say next Midsummer; that's not a day too long to wait." On leaving the school Geoffrey went to the tranter's. Old William opened the door. "Is your grandson Dick in 'ithin, William?" "No, not just now, Mr. Day. Though he've been at home a good deal lately." "O, how's that?" "What wi' one thing, and what wi' t'other, he's all in a mope, as might be said. Don't seem the feller he used to. Ay, 'a will sit studding and thinking as if 'a were going to turn chapel-member, and then do nothing but traypse and wamble about. Used to be such a chatty boy, too, Dick did; and now 'a don't speak at all. But won't ye step inside? Reuben will be home soon, 'a b'lieve." "No, thank you, I can't stay now. Will ye just ask Dick if he'll do me the kindness to step over to Yalbury to-morrow with my da'ter Fancy, if she's well enough? I don't like her to come by herself, now she's not so terrible topping in health." "So I've heard. Ay, sure, I'll tell him without fail." CHAPTER V: AFTER GAINING HER POINT The visit to Geoffrey passed off as delightfully as a visit might have been expected to pass off when it was the first day of smooth experience in a hitherto obstructed love-course. And then came a series of several happy days, of the same undisturbed serenity. Dick could court her when he chose; stay away when he chose,--which was never; walk with her by winding streams and waterfalls and autumn scenery till dews and twilight sent them home. And thus they drew near the day of the Harvest Thanksgiving, which was also the time chosen for opening the organ in Mellstock Church. It chanced that Dick on that very day was called away from Mellstock. A young acquaintance had died of consumption at Charmley, a neighbouring village, on the previous Monday, and Dick, in fulfilment of a long-standing promise, was to assist in carrying him to the grave. When on Tuesday, Dick went towards the school to acquaint Fancy with the fact, it is difficult to say whether his own disappointment at being denied the sight of her triumphant debut as organist, was greater than his vexation that his pet should on this great occasion be deprived of the pleasure of his presence. However, the intelligence was communicated. She bore it as she best could, not without many expressions of regret, and convictions that her performance would be nothing to her now. Just before eleven o'clock on Sunday he set out upon his sad errand. The funeral was to be immediately after the morning service, and as there were four good miles to walk, driving being inconvenient, it became necessary to start comparatively early. Half an hour later would certainly have answered his purpose quite as well, yet at the last moment nothing would content his ardent mind but that he must go a mile out of his way in the direction of the school, in the hope of getting a glimpse of his Love as she started for church. Striking, therefore, into the lane towards the school, instead of across the ewelease direct to Charmley, he arrived opposite her door as his goddess emerged. If ever a woman looked a divinity, Fancy Day appeared one that morning as she floated down those school steps, in the form of a nebulous collection of colours inclining to blue. With an audacity unparalleled in the whole history of village-school-mistresses at this date--partly owing, no doubt, to papa's respectable accumulation of cash, which rendered her profession not altogether one of necessity--she had actually donned a hat and feather, and lowered her hitherto plainly looped-up hair, which now fell about her shoulders in a profusion of curls. Poor Dick was astonished: he had never seen her look so distractingly beautiful before, save on Christmas-eve, when her hair was in the same luxuriant condition of freedom. But his first burst of delighted surprise was followed by less comfortable feelings, as soon as his brain recovered its power to think. Fancy had blushed;--was it with confusion? She had also involuntarily pressed back her curls. She had not expected him. "Fancy, you didn't know me for a moment in my funeral clothes, did you?" "Good-morning, Dick--no, really, I didn't know you for an instant in such a sad suit." He looked again at the gay tresses and hat. "You've never dressed so charming before, dearest." "I like to hear you praise me in that way, Dick," she said, smiling archly. "It is meat and drink to a woman. Do I look nice really?" "Fie! you know it. Did you remember,--I mean didn't you remember about my going away to-day?" "Well, yes, I did, Dick; but, you know, I wanted to look well;--forgive me." "Yes, darling; yes, of course,--there's nothing to forgive. No, I was only thinking that when we talked on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday and Friday about my absence to-day, and I was so sorry for it, you said, Fancy, so were you sorry, and almost cried, and said it would be no pleasure to you to be the attraction of the church to-day, since I could not be there." "My dear one, neither will it be so much pleasure to me . . . But I do take a little delight in my life, I suppose," she pouted. "Apart from mine?" She looked at him with perplexed eyes. "I know you are vexed with me, Dick, and it is because the first Sunday I have curls and a hat and feather since I have been here happens to be the very day you are away and won't be with me. Yes, say it is, for that is it! And you think that all this week I ought to have remembered you wouldn't be here to- day, and not have cared to be better dressed than usual. Yes, you do, Dick, and it is rather unkind!" "No, no," said Dick earnestly and simply, "I didn't think so badly of you as that. I only thought that--if you had been going away, I shouldn't have tried new attractions for the eyes of other people. But then of course you and I are different, naturally." "Well, perhaps we are." "Whatever will the vicar say, Fancy?" "I don't fear what he says in the least!" she answered proudly. "But he won't say anything of the sort you think. No, no." "He can hardly have conscience to, indeed." "Now come, you say, Dick, that you quite forgive me, for I must go," she said with sudden gaiety, and skipped backwards into the porch. "Come here, sir;--say you forgive me, and then you shall kiss me;--you never have yet when I have worn curls, you know. Yes, just where you want to so much,--yes, you may!" Dick followed her into the inner corner, where he was probably not slow in availing himself of the privilege offered. "Now that's a treat for you, isn't it?" she continued. "Good-bye, or I shall be late. Come and see me to-morrow: you'll be tired to-night." Thus they parted, and Fancy proceeded to the church. The organ stood on one side of the chancel, close to and under the immediate eye of the vicar when he was in the pulpit, and also in full view of the congregation. Here she sat down, for the first time in such a conspicuous position, her seat having previously been in a remote spot in the aisle. "Good heavens--disgraceful! Curls and a hat and feather!" said the daughters of the small gentry, who had either only curly hair without a hat and feather, or a hat and feather without curly hair. "A bonnet for church always," said sober matrons. That Mr. Maybold was conscious of her presence close beside him during the sermon; that he was not at all angry at her development of costume; that he admired her, she perceived. But she did not see that he loved her during that sermon-time as he had never loved a woman before; that her proximity was a strange delight to him; and that he gloried in her musical success that morning in a spirit quite beyond a mere cleric's glory at the inauguration of a new order of things. The old choir, with humbled hearts, no longer took their seats in the gallery as heretofore (which was now given up to the school-children who were not singers, and a pupil-teacher), but were scattered about with their wives in different parts of the church. Having nothing to do with conducting the service for almost the first time in their lives, they all felt awkward, out of place, abashed, and inconvenienced by their hands. The tranter had proposed that they should stay away to-day and go nutting, but grandfather William would not hear of such a thing for a moment. "No," he replied reproachfully, and quoted a verse: "Though this has come upon us, let not our hearts be turned back, or our steps go out of the way." So they stood and watched the curls of hair trailing down the back of the successful rival, and the waving of her feather, as she swayed her head. After a few timid notes and uncertain touches her playing became markedly correct, and towards the end full and free. But, whether from prejudice or unbiassed judgment, the venerable body of musicians could not help thinking that the simpler notes they had been wont to bring forth were more in keeping with the simplicity of their old church than the crowded chords and interludes it was her pleasure to produce. CHAPTER VI: INTO TEMPTATION The day was done, and Fancy was again in the school-house. About five o'clock it began to rain, and in rather a dull frame of mind she wandered into the schoolroom, for want of something better to do. She was thinking--of her lover Dick Dewy? Not precisely. Of how weary she was of living alone: how unbearable it would be to return to Yalbury under the rule of her strange-tempered step-mother; that it was far better to be married to anybody than do that; that eight or nine long months had yet to be lived through ere the wedding could take place. At the side of the room were high windows of Ham-hill stone, upon either sill of which she could sit by first mounting a desk and using it as a footstool. As the evening advanced here she perched herself, as was her custom on such wet and gloomy occasions, put on a light shawl and bonnet, opened the window, and looked out at the rain. The window overlooked a field called the Grove, and it was the position from which she used to survey the crown of Dick's passing hat in the early days of their acquaintance and meetings. Not a living soul was now visible anywhere; the rain kept all people indoors who were not forced abroad by necessity, and necessity was less importunate on Sundays than during the week. Sitting here and thinking again--of her lover, or of the sensation she had created at church that day?--well, it is unknown--thinking and thinking she saw a dark masculine figure arising into distinctness at the further end of the Grove--a man without an umbrella. Nearer and nearer he came, and she perceived that he was in deep mourning, and then that it was Dick. Yes, in the fondness and foolishness of his young heart, after walking four miles, in a drizzling rain without overcoat or umbrella, and in face of a remark from his love that he was not to come because he would be tired, he had made it his business to wander this mile out of his way again, from sheer wish of spending ten minutes in her presence. "O Dick, how wet you are!" she said, as he drew up under the window. "Why, your coat shines as if it had been varnished, and your hat--my goodness, there's a streaming hat!" "O, I don't mind, darling!" said Dick cheerfully. "Wet never hurts me, though I am rather sorry for my best clothes. However, it couldn't be helped; we lent all the umbrellas to the women. I don't know when I shall get mine back!" "And look, there's a nasty patch of something just on your shoulder." "Ah, that's japanning; it rubbed off the clamps of poor Jack's coffin when we lowered him from our shoulders upon the bier! I don't care about that, for 'twas the last deed I could do for him; and 'tis hard if you can't afford a coat for an old friend." Fancy put her hand to her mouth for half a minute. Underneath the palm of that little hand there existed for that half-minute a little yawn. "Dick, I don't like you to stand there in the wet. And you mustn't sit down. Go home and change your things. Don't stay another minute." "One kiss after coming so far," he pleaded. "If I can reach, then." He looked rather disappointed at not being invited round to the door. She twisted from her seated position and bent herself downwards, but not even by standing on the plinth was it possible for Dick to get his lips into contact with hers as she held them. By great exertion she might have reached a little lower; but then she would have exposed her head to the rain. "Never mind, Dick; kiss my hand," she said, flinging it down to him. "Now, good-bye." "Good-bye." He walked slowly away, turning and turning again to look at her till he was out of sight. During the retreat she said to herself, almost involuntarily, and still conscious of that morning's triumph--"I like Dick, and I love him; but how plain and sorry a man looks in the rain, with no umbrella, and wet through!" As he vanished, she made as if to descend from her seat; but glancing in the other direction she saw another form coming along the same track. It was also that of a man. He, too, was in black from top to toe; but he carried an umbrella. He drew nearer, and the direction of the rain caused him so to slant his umbrella that from her height above the ground his head was invisible, as she was also to him. He passed in due time directly beneath her, and in looking down upon the exterior of his umbrella her feminine eyes perceived it to be of superior silk--less common at that date than since--and of elegant make. He reached the entrance to the building, and Fancy suddenly lost sight of him. Instead of pursuing the roadway as Dick had done he had turned sharply round into her own porch. She jumped to the floor, hastily flung off her shawl and bonnet, smoothed and patted her hair till the curls hung in passable condition, and listened. No knock. Nearly a minute passed, and still there was no knock. Then there arose a soft series of raps, no louder than the tapping of a distant woodpecker, and barely distinct enough to reach her ears. She composed herself and flung open the door. In the porch stood Mr. Maybold. There was a warm flush upon his face, and a bright flash in his eyes, which made him look handsomer than she had ever seen him before. "Good-evening, Miss Day." "Good-evening, Mr. Maybold," she said, in a strange state of mind. She had noticed, beyond the ardent hue of his face, that his voice had a singular tremor in it, and that his hand shook like an aspen leaf when he laid his umbrella in the corner of the

spoke

How many times the word 'spoke' appears in the text?

Dewy." "Good-night, Mr. Day." Modest Dick's reply had faltered upon his tongue, and he turned away wondering at his presumption in asking for a woman whom he had seen from the beginning to be so superior to him. CHAPTER III: FANCY IN THE RAIN The next scene is a tempestuous afternoon in the following month, and Fancy Day is discovered walking from her father's home towards Mellstock. A single vast gray cloud covered the country, from which the small rain and mist had just begun to blow down in wavy sheets, alternately thick and thin. The trees of the fields and plantations writhed like miserable men as the air wound its way swiftly among them: the lowest portions of their trunks, that had hardly ever been known to move, were visibly rocked by the fiercer gusts, distressing the mind by its painful unwontedness, as when a strong man is seen to shed tears. Low-hanging boughs went up and down; high and erect boughs went to and fro; the blasts being so irregular, and divided into so many cross-currents, that neighbouring branches of the same tree swept the skies in independent motions, crossed each other, or became entangled. Across the open spaces flew flocks of green and yellowish leaves, which, after travelling a long distance from their parent trees, reached the ground, and lay there with their under-sides upward. As the rain and wind increased, and Fancy's bonnet-ribbons leapt more and more snappishly against her chin, she paused on entering Mellstock Lane to consider her latitude, and the distance to a place of shelter. The nearest house was Elizabeth Endorfield's, in Higher Mellstock, whose cottage and garden stood not far from the junction of that hamlet with the road she followed. Fancy hastened onward, and in five minutes entered a gate, which shed upon her toes a flood of water-drops as she opened it. "Come in, chiel!" a voice exclaimed, before Fancy had knocked: a promptness that would have surprised her had she not known that Mrs. Endorfield was an exceedingly and exceptionally sharp woman in the use of her eyes and ears. Fancy went in and sat down. Elizabeth was paring potatoes for her husband's supper. Scrape, scrape, scrape; then a toss, and splash went a potato into a bucket of water. Now, as Fancy listlessly noted these proceedings of the dame, she began to reconsider an old subject that lay uppermost in her heart. Since the interview between her father and Dick, the days had been melancholy days for her. Geoffrey's firm opposition to the notion of Dick as a son-in- law was more than she had expected. She had frequently seen her lover since that time, it is true, and had loved him more for the opposition than she would have otherwise dreamt of doing--which was a happiness of a certain kind. Yet, though love is thus an end in itself, it must be believed to be the means to another end if it is to assume the rosy hues of an unalloyed pleasure. And such a belief Fancy and Dick were emphatically denied just now. Elizabeth Endorfield had a repute among women which was in its nature something between distinction and notoriety. It was founded on the following items of character. She was shrewd and penetrating; her house stood in a lonely place; she never went to church; she wore a red cloak; she always retained her bonnet indoors and she had a pointed chin. Thus far her attributes were distinctly Satanic; and those who looked no further called her, in plain terms, a witch. But she was not gaunt, nor ugly in the upper part of her face, nor particularly strange in manner; so that, when her more intimate acquaintances spoke of her the term was softened, and she became simply a Deep Body, who was as long-headed as she was high. It may be stated that Elizabeth belonged to a class of suspects who were gradually losing their mysterious characteristics under the administration of the young vicar; though, during the long reign of Mr. Grinham, the parish of Mellstock had proved extremely favourable to the growth of witches. While Fancy was revolving all this in her mind, and putting it to herself whether it was worth while to tell her troubles to Elizabeth, and ask her advice in getting out of them, the witch spoke. "You be down--proper down," she said suddenly, dropping another potato into the bucket. Fancy took no notice. "About your young man." Fancy reddened. Elizabeth seemed to be watching her thoughts. Really, one would almost think she must have the powers people ascribed to her. "Father not in the humour for't, hey?" Another potato was finished and flung in. "Ah, I know about it. Little birds tell me things that people don't dream of my knowing." Fancy was desperate about Dick, and here was a chance--O, such a wicked chance--of getting help; and what was goodness beside love! "I wish you'd tell me how to put him in the humour for it?" she said. "That I could soon do," said the witch quietly. "Really? O, do; anyhow--I don't care--so that it is done! How could I do it, Mrs. Endorfield?" "Nothing so mighty wonderful in it." "Well, but how?" "By witchery, of course!" said Elizabeth. "No!" said Fancy. "'Tis, I assure ye. Didn't you ever hear I was a witch?" "Well," hesitated Fancy, "I have heard you called so." "And you believed it?" "I can't say that I did exactly believe it, for 'tis very horrible and wicked; but, O, how I do wish it was possible for you to be one!" "So I am. And I'll tell you how to bewitch your father to let you marry Dick Dewy." "Will it hurt him, poor thing?" "Hurt who?" "Father." "No; the charm is worked by common sense, and the spell can only be broke by your acting stupidly." Fancy looked rather perplexed, and Elizabeth went on: "This fear of Lizz--whatever 'tis-- By great and small; She makes pretence to common sense, And that's all. "You must do it like this." The witch laid down her knife and potato, and then poured into Fancy's ear a long and detailed list of directions, glancing up from the corner of her eye into Fancy's face with an expression of sinister humour. Fancy's face brightened, clouded, rose and sank, as the narrative proceeded. "There," said Elizabeth at length, stooping for the knife and another potato, "do that, and you'll have him by-long and by-late, my dear." "And do it I will!" said Fancy. She then turned her attention to the external world once more. The rain continued as usual, but the wind had abated considerably during the discourse. Judging that it was now possible to keep an umbrella erect, she pulled her hood again over her bonnet, bade the witch good-bye, and went her way. CHAPTER IV: THE SPELL Mrs. Endorfield's advice was duly followed. "I be proper sorry that your daughter isn't so well as she might be," said a Mellstock man to Geoffrey one morning. "But is there anything in it?" said Geoffrey uneasily, as he shifted his hat to the right. "I can't understand the report. She didn't complain to me a bit when I saw her." "No appetite at all, they say." Geoffrey crossed to Mellstock and called at the school that afternoon. Fancy welcomed him as usual, and asked him to stay and take tea with her. "I be'n't much for tea, this time o' day," he said, but stayed. During the meal he watched her narrowly. And to his great consternation discovered the following unprecedented change in the healthy girl--that she cut herself only a diaphanous slice of bread-and-butter, and, laying it on her plate, passed the meal-time in breaking it into pieces, but eating no more than about one-tenth of the slice. Geoffrey hoped she would say something about Dick, and finish up by weeping, as she had done after the decision against him a few days subsequent to the interview in the garden. But nothing was said, and in due time Geoffrey departed again for Yalbury Wood. "'Tis to be hoped poor Miss Fancy will be able to keep on her school," said Geoffrey's man Enoch to Geoffrey the following week, as they were shovelling up ant-hills in the wood. Geoffrey stuck in the shovel, swept seven or eight ants from his sleeve, and killed another that was prowling round his ear, then looked perpendicularly into the earth as usual, waiting for Enoch to say more. "Well, why shouldn't she?" said the keeper at last. "The baker told me yesterday," continued Enoch, shaking out another emmet that had run merrily up his thigh, "that the bread he've left at that there school-house this last month would starve any mouse in the three creations; that 'twould so! And afterwards I had a pint o' small down at Morrs's, and there I heard more." "What might that ha' been?" "That she used to have a pound o' the best rolled butter a week, regular as clockwork, from Dairyman Viney's for herself, as well as just so much salted for the helping girl, and the 'ooman she calls in; but now the same quantity d'last her three weeks, and then 'tis thoughted she throws it away sour." "Finish doing the emmets, and carry the bag home-along." The keeper resumed his gun, tucked it under his arm, and went on without whistling to the dogs, who however followed, with a bearing meant to imply that they did not expect any such attentions when their master was reflecting. On Saturday morning a note came from Fancy. He was not to trouble about sending her the couple of rabbits, as was intended, because she feared she should not want them. Later in the day Geoffrey went to Casterbridge and called upon the butcher who served Fancy with fresh meat, which was put down to her father's account. "I've called to pay up our little bill, Neighbour Haylock, and you can gie me the chiel's account at the same time." Mr. Haylock turned round three quarters of a circle in the midst of a heap of joints, altered the expression of his face from meat to money, went into a little office consisting only of a door and a window, looked very vigorously into a book which possessed length but no breadth; and then, seizing a piece of paper and scribbling thereupon, handed the bill. Probably it was the first time in the history of commercial transactions that the quality of shortness in a butcher's bill was a cause of tribulation to the debtor. "Why, this isn't all she've had in a whole month!" said Geoffrey. "Every mossel," said the butcher--"(now, Dan, take that leg and shoulder to Mrs. White's, and this eleven pound here to Mr. Martin's)--you've been treating her to smaller joints lately, to my thinking, Mr. Day?" "Only two or three little scram rabbits this last week, as I am alive--I wish I had!" "Well, my wife said to me--(Dan! not too much, not too much on that tray at a time; better go twice)--my wife said to me as she posted up the books: she says, 'Miss Day must have been affronted this summer during that hot muggy weather that spolit so much for us; for depend upon't,' she says, 'she've been trying John Grimmett unknown to us: see her account else.' 'Tis little, of course, at the best of times, being only for one, but now 'tis next kin to nothing." "I'll inquire," said Geoffrey despondingly. He returned by way of Mellstock, and called upon Fancy, in fulfilment of a promise. It being Saturday, the children were enjoying a holiday, and on entering the residence Fancy was nowhere to be seen. Nan, the charwoman, was sweeping the kitchen. "Where's my da'ter?" said the keeper. "Well, you see she was tired with the week's teaching, and this morning she said, 'Nan, I sha'n't get up till the evening.' You see, Mr. Day, if people don't eat, they can't work; and as she've gie'd up eating, she must gie up working." "Have ye carried up any dinner to her?" "No; she don't want any. There, we all know that such things don't come without good reason--not that I wish to say anything about a broken heart, or anything of the kind." Geoffrey's own heart felt inconveniently large just then. He went to the staircase and ascended to his daughter's door. "Fancy!" "Come in, father." To see a person in bed from any cause whatever, on a fine afternoon, is depressing enough; and here was his only child Fancy, not only in bed, but looking very pale. Geoffrey was visibly disturbed. "Fancy, I didn't expect to see thee here, chiel," he said. "What's the matter?" "I'm not well, father." "How's that?" "Because I think of things." "What things can you have to think o' so mortal much?" "You know, father." "You think I've been cruel to thee in saying that that penniless Dick o' thine sha'n't marry thee, I suppose?" No answer. "Well, you know, Fancy, I do it for the best, and he isn't good enough for thee. You know that well enough." Here he again looked at her as she lay. "Well, Fancy, I can't let my only chiel die; and if you can't live without en, you must ha' en, I suppose." "O, I don't want him like that; all against your will, and everything so disobedient!" sighed the invalid. "No, no, 'tisn't against my will. My wish is, now I d'see how 'tis hurten thee to live without en, that he shall marry thee as soon as we've considered a little. That's my wish flat and plain, Fancy. There, never cry, my little maid! You ought to ha' cried afore; no need o' crying now 'tis all over. Well, howsoever, try to step over and see me and mother- law to-morrow, and ha' a bit of dinner wi' us." "And--Dick too?" "Ay, Dick too, 'far's I know." "And when do you think you'll have considered, father, and he may marry me?" she coaxed. "Well, there, say next Midsummer; that's not a day too long to wait." On leaving the school Geoffrey went to the tranter's. Old William opened the door. "Is your grandson Dick in 'ithin, William?" "No, not just now, Mr. Day. Though he've been at home a good deal lately." "O, how's that?" "What wi' one thing, and what wi' t'other, he's all in a mope, as might be said. Don't seem the feller he used to. Ay, 'a will sit studding and thinking as if 'a were going to turn chapel-member, and then do nothing but traypse and wamble about. Used to be such a chatty boy, too, Dick did; and now 'a don't speak at all. But won't ye step inside? Reuben will be home soon, 'a b'lieve." "No, thank you, I can't stay now. Will ye just ask Dick if he'll do me the kindness to step over to Yalbury to-morrow with my da'ter Fancy, if she's well enough? I don't like her to come by herself, now she's not so terrible topping in health." "So I've heard. Ay, sure, I'll tell him without fail." CHAPTER V: AFTER GAINING HER POINT The visit to Geoffrey passed off as delightfully as a visit might have been expected to pass off when it was the first day of smooth experience in a hitherto obstructed love-course. And then came a series of several happy days, of the same undisturbed serenity. Dick could court her when he chose; stay away when he chose,--which was never; walk with her by winding streams and waterfalls and autumn scenery till dews and twilight sent them home. And thus they drew near the day of the Harvest Thanksgiving, which was also the time chosen for opening the organ in Mellstock Church. It chanced that Dick on that very day was called away from Mellstock. A young acquaintance had died of consumption at Charmley, a neighbouring village, on the previous Monday, and Dick, in fulfilment of a long-standing promise, was to assist in carrying him to the grave. When on Tuesday, Dick went towards the school to acquaint Fancy with the fact, it is difficult to say whether his own disappointment at being denied the sight of her triumphant debut as organist, was greater than his vexation that his pet should on this great occasion be deprived of the pleasure of his presence. However, the intelligence was communicated. She bore it as she best could, not without many expressions of regret, and convictions that her performance would be nothing to her now. Just before eleven o'clock on Sunday he set out upon his sad errand. The funeral was to be immediately after the morning service, and as there were four good miles to walk, driving being inconvenient, it became necessary to start comparatively early. Half an hour later would certainly have answered his purpose quite as well, yet at the last moment nothing would content his ardent mind but that he must go a mile out of his way in the direction of the school, in the hope of getting a glimpse of his Love as she started for church. Striking, therefore, into the lane towards the school, instead of across the ewelease direct to Charmley, he arrived opposite her door as his goddess emerged. If ever a woman looked a divinity, Fancy Day appeared one that morning as she floated down those school steps, in the form of a nebulous collection of colours inclining to blue. With an audacity unparalleled in the whole history of village-school-mistresses at this date--partly owing, no doubt, to papa's respectable accumulation of cash, which rendered her profession not altogether one of necessity--she had actually donned a hat and feather, and lowered her hitherto plainly looped-up hair, which now fell about her shoulders in a profusion of curls. Poor Dick was astonished: he had never seen her look so distractingly beautiful before, save on Christmas-eve, when her hair was in the same luxuriant condition of freedom. But his first burst of delighted surprise was followed by less comfortable feelings, as soon as his brain recovered its power to think. Fancy had blushed;--was it with confusion? She had also involuntarily pressed back her curls. She had not expected him. "Fancy, you didn't know me for a moment in my funeral clothes, did you?" "Good-morning, Dick--no, really, I didn't know you for an instant in such a sad suit." He looked again at the gay tresses and hat. "You've never dressed so charming before, dearest." "I like to hear you praise me in that way, Dick," she said, smiling archly. "It is meat and drink to a woman. Do I look nice really?" "Fie! you know it. Did you remember,--I mean didn't you remember about my going away to-day?" "Well, yes, I did, Dick; but, you know, I wanted to look well;--forgive me." "Yes, darling; yes, of course,--there's nothing to forgive. No, I was only thinking that when we talked on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday and Friday about my absence to-day, and I was so sorry for it, you said, Fancy, so were you sorry, and almost cried, and said it would be no pleasure to you to be the attraction of the church to-day, since I could not be there." "My dear one, neither will it be so much pleasure to me . . . But I do take a little delight in my life, I suppose," she pouted. "Apart from mine?" She looked at him with perplexed eyes. "I know you are vexed with me, Dick, and it is because the first Sunday I have curls and a hat and feather since I have been here happens to be the very day you are away and won't be with me. Yes, say it is, for that is it! And you think that all this week I ought to have remembered you wouldn't be here to- day, and not have cared to be better dressed than usual. Yes, you do, Dick, and it is rather unkind!" "No, no," said Dick earnestly and simply, "I didn't think so badly of you as that. I only thought that--if you had been going away, I shouldn't have tried new attractions for the eyes of other people. But then of course you and I are different, naturally." "Well, perhaps we are." "Whatever will the vicar say, Fancy?" "I don't fear what he says in the least!" she answered proudly. "But he won't say anything of the sort you think. No, no." "He can hardly have conscience to, indeed." "Now come, you say, Dick, that you quite forgive me, for I must go," she said with sudden gaiety, and skipped backwards into the porch. "Come here, sir;--say you forgive me, and then you shall kiss me;--you never have yet when I have worn curls, you know. Yes, just where you want to so much,--yes, you may!" Dick followed her into the inner corner, where he was probably not slow in availing himself of the privilege offered. "Now that's a treat for you, isn't it?" she continued. "Good-bye, or I shall be late. Come and see me to-morrow: you'll be tired to-night." Thus they parted, and Fancy proceeded to the church. The organ stood on one side of the chancel, close to and under the immediate eye of the vicar when he was in the pulpit, and also in full view of the congregation. Here she sat down, for the first time in such a conspicuous position, her seat having previously been in a remote spot in the aisle. "Good heavens--disgraceful! Curls and a hat and feather!" said the daughters of the small gentry, who had either only curly hair without a hat and feather, or a hat and feather without curly hair. "A bonnet for church always," said sober matrons. That Mr. Maybold was conscious of her presence close beside him during the sermon; that he was not at all angry at her development of costume; that he admired her, she perceived. But she did not see that he loved her during that sermon-time as he had never loved a woman before; that her proximity was a strange delight to him; and that he gloried in her musical success that morning in a spirit quite beyond a mere cleric's glory at the inauguration of a new order of things. The old choir, with humbled hearts, no longer took their seats in the gallery as heretofore (which was now given up to the school-children who were not singers, and a pupil-teacher), but were scattered about with their wives in different parts of the church. Having nothing to do with conducting the service for almost the first time in their lives, they all felt awkward, out of place, abashed, and inconvenienced by their hands. The tranter had proposed that they should stay away to-day and go nutting, but grandfather William would not hear of such a thing for a moment. "No," he replied reproachfully, and quoted a verse: "Though this has come upon us, let not our hearts be turned back, or our steps go out of the way." So they stood and watched the curls of hair trailing down the back of the successful rival, and the waving of her feather, as she swayed her head. After a few timid notes and uncertain touches her playing became markedly correct, and towards the end full and free. But, whether from prejudice or unbiassed judgment, the venerable body of musicians could not help thinking that the simpler notes they had been wont to bring forth were more in keeping with the simplicity of their old church than the crowded chords and interludes it was her pleasure to produce. CHAPTER VI: INTO TEMPTATION The day was done, and Fancy was again in the school-house. About five o'clock it began to rain, and in rather a dull frame of mind she wandered into the schoolroom, for want of something better to do. She was thinking--of her lover Dick Dewy? Not precisely. Of how weary she was of living alone: how unbearable it would be to return to Yalbury under the rule of her strange-tempered step-mother; that it was far better to be married to anybody than do that; that eight or nine long months had yet to be lived through ere the wedding could take place. At the side of the room were high windows of Ham-hill stone, upon either sill of which she could sit by first mounting a desk and using it as a footstool. As the evening advanced here she perched herself, as was her custom on such wet and gloomy occasions, put on a light shawl and bonnet, opened the window, and looked out at the rain. The window overlooked a field called the Grove, and it was the position from which she used to survey the crown of Dick's passing hat in the early days of their acquaintance and meetings. Not a living soul was now visible anywhere; the rain kept all people indoors who were not forced abroad by necessity, and necessity was less importunate on Sundays than during the week. Sitting here and thinking again--of her lover, or of the sensation she had created at church that day?--well, it is unknown--thinking and thinking she saw a dark masculine figure arising into distinctness at the further end of the Grove--a man without an umbrella. Nearer and nearer he came, and she perceived that he was in deep mourning, and then that it was Dick. Yes, in the fondness and foolishness of his young heart, after walking four miles, in a drizzling rain without overcoat or umbrella, and in face of a remark from his love that he was not to come because he would be tired, he had made it his business to wander this mile out of his way again, from sheer wish of spending ten minutes in her presence. "O Dick, how wet you are!" she said, as he drew up under the window. "Why, your coat shines as if it had been varnished, and your hat--my goodness, there's a streaming hat!" "O, I don't mind, darling!" said Dick cheerfully. "Wet never hurts me, though I am rather sorry for my best clothes. However, it couldn't be helped; we lent all the umbrellas to the women. I don't know when I shall get mine back!" "And look, there's a nasty patch of something just on your shoulder." "Ah, that's japanning; it rubbed off the clamps of poor Jack's coffin when we lowered him from our shoulders upon the bier! I don't care about that, for 'twas the last deed I could do for him; and 'tis hard if you can't afford a coat for an old friend." Fancy put her hand to her mouth for half a minute. Underneath the palm of that little hand there existed for that half-minute a little yawn. "Dick, I don't like you to stand there in the wet. And you mustn't sit down. Go home and change your things. Don't stay another minute." "One kiss after coming so far," he pleaded. "If I can reach, then." He looked rather disappointed at not being invited round to the door. She twisted from her seated position and bent herself downwards, but not even by standing on the plinth was it possible for Dick to get his lips into contact with hers as she held them. By great exertion she might have reached a little lower; but then she would have exposed her head to the rain. "Never mind, Dick; kiss my hand," she said, flinging it down to him. "Now, good-bye." "Good-bye." He walked slowly away, turning and turning again to look at her till he was out of sight. During the retreat she said to herself, almost involuntarily, and still conscious of that morning's triumph--"I like Dick, and I love him; but how plain and sorry a man looks in the rain, with no umbrella, and wet through!" As he vanished, she made as if to descend from her seat; but glancing in the other direction she saw another form coming along the same track. It was also that of a man. He, too, was in black from top to toe; but he carried an umbrella. He drew nearer, and the direction of the rain caused him so to slant his umbrella that from her height above the ground his head was invisible, as she was also to him. He passed in due time directly beneath her, and in looking down upon the exterior of his umbrella her feminine eyes perceived it to be of superior silk--less common at that date than since--and of elegant make. He reached the entrance to the building, and Fancy suddenly lost sight of him. Instead of pursuing the roadway as Dick had done he had turned sharply round into her own porch. She jumped to the floor, hastily flung off her shawl and bonnet, smoothed and patted her hair till the curls hung in passable condition, and listened. No knock. Nearly a minute passed, and still there was no knock. Then there arose a soft series of raps, no louder than the tapping of a distant woodpecker, and barely distinct enough to reach her ears. She composed herself and flung open the door. In the porch stood Mr. Maybold. There was a warm flush upon his face, and a bright flash in his eyes, which made him look handsomer than she had ever seen him before. "Good-evening, Miss Day." "Good-evening, Mr. Maybold," she said, in a strange state of mind. She had noticed, beyond the ardent hue of his face, that his voice had a singular tremor in it, and that his hand shook like an aspen leaf when he laid his umbrella in the corner of the

encouraged

How many times the word 'encouraged' appears in the text?

Dewy." "Good-night, Mr. Day." Modest Dick's reply had faltered upon his tongue, and he turned away wondering at his presumption in asking for a woman whom he had seen from the beginning to be so superior to him. CHAPTER III: FANCY IN THE RAIN The next scene is a tempestuous afternoon in the following month, and Fancy Day is discovered walking from her father's home towards Mellstock. A single vast gray cloud covered the country, from which the small rain and mist had just begun to blow down in wavy sheets, alternately thick and thin. The trees of the fields and plantations writhed like miserable men as the air wound its way swiftly among them: the lowest portions of their trunks, that had hardly ever been known to move, were visibly rocked by the fiercer gusts, distressing the mind by its painful unwontedness, as when a strong man is seen to shed tears. Low-hanging boughs went up and down; high and erect boughs went to and fro; the blasts being so irregular, and divided into so many cross-currents, that neighbouring branches of the same tree swept the skies in independent motions, crossed each other, or became entangled. Across the open spaces flew flocks of green and yellowish leaves, which, after travelling a long distance from their parent trees, reached the ground, and lay there with their under-sides upward. As the rain and wind increased, and Fancy's bonnet-ribbons leapt more and more snappishly against her chin, she paused on entering Mellstock Lane to consider her latitude, and the distance to a place of shelter. The nearest house was Elizabeth Endorfield's, in Higher Mellstock, whose cottage and garden stood not far from the junction of that hamlet with the road she followed. Fancy hastened onward, and in five minutes entered a gate, which shed upon her toes a flood of water-drops as she opened it. "Come in, chiel!" a voice exclaimed, before Fancy had knocked: a promptness that would have surprised her had she not known that Mrs. Endorfield was an exceedingly and exceptionally sharp woman in the use of her eyes and ears. Fancy went in and sat down. Elizabeth was paring potatoes for her husband's supper. Scrape, scrape, scrape; then a toss, and splash went a potato into a bucket of water. Now, as Fancy listlessly noted these proceedings of the dame, she began to reconsider an old subject that lay uppermost in her heart. Since the interview between her father and Dick, the days had been melancholy days for her. Geoffrey's firm opposition to the notion of Dick as a son-in- law was more than she had expected. She had frequently seen her lover since that time, it is true, and had loved him more for the opposition than she would have otherwise dreamt of doing--which was a happiness of a certain kind. Yet, though love is thus an end in itself, it must be believed to be the means to another end if it is to assume the rosy hues of an unalloyed pleasure. And such a belief Fancy and Dick were emphatically denied just now. Elizabeth Endorfield had a repute among women which was in its nature something between distinction and notoriety. It was founded on the following items of character. She was shrewd and penetrating; her house stood in a lonely place; she never went to church; she wore a red cloak; she always retained her bonnet indoors and she had a pointed chin. Thus far her attributes were distinctly Satanic; and those who looked no further called her, in plain terms, a witch. But she was not gaunt, nor ugly in the upper part of her face, nor particularly strange in manner; so that, when her more intimate acquaintances spoke of her the term was softened, and she became simply a Deep Body, who was as long-headed as she was high. It may be stated that Elizabeth belonged to a class of suspects who were gradually losing their mysterious characteristics under the administration of the young vicar; though, during the long reign of Mr. Grinham, the parish of Mellstock had proved extremely favourable to the growth of witches. While Fancy was revolving all this in her mind, and putting it to herself whether it was worth while to tell her troubles to Elizabeth, and ask her advice in getting out of them, the witch spoke. "You be down--proper down," she said suddenly, dropping another potato into the bucket. Fancy took no notice. "About your young man." Fancy reddened. Elizabeth seemed to be watching her thoughts. Really, one would almost think she must have the powers people ascribed to her. "Father not in the humour for't, hey?" Another potato was finished and flung in. "Ah, I know about it. Little birds tell me things that people don't dream of my knowing." Fancy was desperate about Dick, and here was a chance--O, such a wicked chance--of getting help; and what was goodness beside love! "I wish you'd tell me how to put him in the humour for it?" she said. "That I could soon do," said the witch quietly. "Really? O, do; anyhow--I don't care--so that it is done! How could I do it, Mrs. Endorfield?" "Nothing so mighty wonderful in it." "Well, but how?" "By witchery, of course!" said Elizabeth. "No!" said Fancy. "'Tis, I assure ye. Didn't you ever hear I was a witch?" "Well," hesitated Fancy, "I have heard you called so." "And you believed it?" "I can't say that I did exactly believe it, for 'tis very horrible and wicked; but, O, how I do wish it was possible for you to be one!" "So I am. And I'll tell you how to bewitch your father to let you marry Dick Dewy." "Will it hurt him, poor thing?" "Hurt who?" "Father." "No; the charm is worked by common sense, and the spell can only be broke by your acting stupidly." Fancy looked rather perplexed, and Elizabeth went on: "This fear of Lizz--whatever 'tis-- By great and small; She makes pretence to common sense, And that's all. "You must do it like this." The witch laid down her knife and potato, and then poured into Fancy's ear a long and detailed list of directions, glancing up from the corner of her eye into Fancy's face with an expression of sinister humour. Fancy's face brightened, clouded, rose and sank, as the narrative proceeded. "There," said Elizabeth at length, stooping for the knife and another potato, "do that, and you'll have him by-long and by-late, my dear." "And do it I will!" said Fancy. She then turned her attention to the external world once more. The rain continued as usual, but the wind had abated considerably during the discourse. Judging that it was now possible to keep an umbrella erect, she pulled her hood again over her bonnet, bade the witch good-bye, and went her way. CHAPTER IV: THE SPELL Mrs. Endorfield's advice was duly followed. "I be proper sorry that your daughter isn't so well as she might be," said a Mellstock man to Geoffrey one morning. "But is there anything in it?" said Geoffrey uneasily, as he shifted his hat to the right. "I can't understand the report. She didn't complain to me a bit when I saw her." "No appetite at all, they say." Geoffrey crossed to Mellstock and called at the school that afternoon. Fancy welcomed him as usual, and asked him to stay and take tea with her. "I be'n't much for tea, this time o' day," he said, but stayed. During the meal he watched her narrowly. And to his great consternation discovered the following unprecedented change in the healthy girl--that she cut herself only a diaphanous slice of bread-and-butter, and, laying it on her plate, passed the meal-time in breaking it into pieces, but eating no more than about one-tenth of the slice. Geoffrey hoped she would say something about Dick, and finish up by weeping, as she had done after the decision against him a few days subsequent to the interview in the garden. But nothing was said, and in due time Geoffrey departed again for Yalbury Wood. "'Tis to be hoped poor Miss Fancy will be able to keep on her school," said Geoffrey's man Enoch to Geoffrey the following week, as they were shovelling up ant-hills in the wood. Geoffrey stuck in the shovel, swept seven or eight ants from his sleeve, and killed another that was prowling round his ear, then looked perpendicularly into the earth as usual, waiting for Enoch to say more. "Well, why shouldn't she?" said the keeper at last. "The baker told me yesterday," continued Enoch, shaking out another emmet that had run merrily up his thigh, "that the bread he've left at that there school-house this last month would starve any mouse in the three creations; that 'twould so! And afterwards I had a pint o' small down at Morrs's, and there I heard more." "What might that ha' been?" "That she used to have a pound o' the best rolled butter a week, regular as clockwork, from Dairyman Viney's for herself, as well as just so much salted for the helping girl, and the 'ooman she calls in; but now the same quantity d'last her three weeks, and then 'tis thoughted she throws it away sour." "Finish doing the emmets, and carry the bag home-along." The keeper resumed his gun, tucked it under his arm, and went on without whistling to the dogs, who however followed, with a bearing meant to imply that they did not expect any such attentions when their master was reflecting. On Saturday morning a note came from Fancy. He was not to trouble about sending her the couple of rabbits, as was intended, because she feared she should not want them. Later in the day Geoffrey went to Casterbridge and called upon the butcher who served Fancy with fresh meat, which was put down to her father's account. "I've called to pay up our little bill, Neighbour Haylock, and you can gie me the chiel's account at the same time." Mr. Haylock turned round three quarters of a circle in the midst of a heap of joints, altered the expression of his face from meat to money, went into a little office consisting only of a door and a window, looked very vigorously into a book which possessed length but no breadth; and then, seizing a piece of paper and scribbling thereupon, handed the bill. Probably it was the first time in the history of commercial transactions that the quality of shortness in a butcher's bill was a cause of tribulation to the debtor. "Why, this isn't all she've had in a whole month!" said Geoffrey. "Every mossel," said the butcher--"(now, Dan, take that leg and shoulder to Mrs. White's, and this eleven pound here to Mr. Martin's)--you've been treating her to smaller joints lately, to my thinking, Mr. Day?" "Only two or three little scram rabbits this last week, as I am alive--I wish I had!" "Well, my wife said to me--(Dan! not too much, not too much on that tray at a time; better go twice)--my wife said to me as she posted up the books: she says, 'Miss Day must have been affronted this summer during that hot muggy weather that spolit so much for us; for depend upon't,' she says, 'she've been trying John Grimmett unknown to us: see her account else.' 'Tis little, of course, at the best of times, being only for one, but now 'tis next kin to nothing." "I'll inquire," said Geoffrey despondingly. He returned by way of Mellstock, and called upon Fancy, in fulfilment of a promise. It being Saturday, the children were enjoying a holiday, and on entering the residence Fancy was nowhere to be seen. Nan, the charwoman, was sweeping the kitchen. "Where's my da'ter?" said the keeper. "Well, you see she was tired with the week's teaching, and this morning she said, 'Nan, I sha'n't get up till the evening.' You see, Mr. Day, if people don't eat, they can't work; and as she've gie'd up eating, she must gie up working." "Have ye carried up any dinner to her?" "No; she don't want any. There, we all know that such things don't come without good reason--not that I wish to say anything about a broken heart, or anything of the kind." Geoffrey's own heart felt inconveniently large just then. He went to the staircase and ascended to his daughter's door. "Fancy!" "Come in, father." To see a person in bed from any cause whatever, on a fine afternoon, is depressing enough; and here was his only child Fancy, not only in bed, but looking very pale. Geoffrey was visibly disturbed. "Fancy, I didn't expect to see thee here, chiel," he said. "What's the matter?" "I'm not well, father." "How's that?" "Because I think of things." "What things can you have to think o' so mortal much?" "You know, father." "You think I've been cruel to thee in saying that that penniless Dick o' thine sha'n't marry thee, I suppose?" No answer. "Well, you know, Fancy, I do it for the best, and he isn't good enough for thee. You know that well enough." Here he again looked at her as she lay. "Well, Fancy, I can't let my only chiel die; and if you can't live without en, you must ha' en, I suppose." "O, I don't want him like that; all against your will, and everything so disobedient!" sighed the invalid. "No, no, 'tisn't against my will. My wish is, now I d'see how 'tis hurten thee to live without en, that he shall marry thee as soon as we've considered a little. That's my wish flat and plain, Fancy. There, never cry, my little maid! You ought to ha' cried afore; no need o' crying now 'tis all over. Well, howsoever, try to step over and see me and mother- law to-morrow, and ha' a bit of dinner wi' us." "And--Dick too?" "Ay, Dick too, 'far's I know." "And when do you think you'll have considered, father, and he may marry me?" she coaxed. "Well, there, say next Midsummer; that's not a day too long to wait." On leaving the school Geoffrey went to the tranter's. Old William opened the door. "Is your grandson Dick in 'ithin, William?" "No, not just now, Mr. Day. Though he've been at home a good deal lately." "O, how's that?" "What wi' one thing, and what wi' t'other, he's all in a mope, as might be said. Don't seem the feller he used to. Ay, 'a will sit studding and thinking as if 'a were going to turn chapel-member, and then do nothing but traypse and wamble about. Used to be such a chatty boy, too, Dick did; and now 'a don't speak at all. But won't ye step inside? Reuben will be home soon, 'a b'lieve." "No, thank you, I can't stay now. Will ye just ask Dick if he'll do me the kindness to step over to Yalbury to-morrow with my da'ter Fancy, if she's well enough? I don't like her to come by herself, now she's not so terrible topping in health." "So I've heard. Ay, sure, I'll tell him without fail." CHAPTER V: AFTER GAINING HER POINT The visit to Geoffrey passed off as delightfully as a visit might have been expected to pass off when it was the first day of smooth experience in a hitherto obstructed love-course. And then came a series of several happy days, of the same undisturbed serenity. Dick could court her when he chose; stay away when he chose,--which was never; walk with her by winding streams and waterfalls and autumn scenery till dews and twilight sent them home. And thus they drew near the day of the Harvest Thanksgiving, which was also the time chosen for opening the organ in Mellstock Church. It chanced that Dick on that very day was called away from Mellstock. A young acquaintance had died of consumption at Charmley, a neighbouring village, on the previous Monday, and Dick, in fulfilment of a long-standing promise, was to assist in carrying him to the grave. When on Tuesday, Dick went towards the school to acquaint Fancy with the fact, it is difficult to say whether his own disappointment at being denied the sight of her triumphant debut as organist, was greater than his vexation that his pet should on this great occasion be deprived of the pleasure of his presence. However, the intelligence was communicated. She bore it as she best could, not without many expressions of regret, and convictions that her performance would be nothing to her now. Just before eleven o'clock on Sunday he set out upon his sad errand. The funeral was to be immediately after the morning service, and as there were four good miles to walk, driving being inconvenient, it became necessary to start comparatively early. Half an hour later would certainly have answered his purpose quite as well, yet at the last moment nothing would content his ardent mind but that he must go a mile out of his way in the direction of the school, in the hope of getting a glimpse of his Love as she started for church. Striking, therefore, into the lane towards the school, instead of across the ewelease direct to Charmley, he arrived opposite her door as his goddess emerged. If ever a woman looked a divinity, Fancy Day appeared one that morning as she floated down those school steps, in the form of a nebulous collection of colours inclining to blue. With an audacity unparalleled in the whole history of village-school-mistresses at this date--partly owing, no doubt, to papa's respectable accumulation of cash, which rendered her profession not altogether one of necessity--she had actually donned a hat and feather, and lowered her hitherto plainly looped-up hair, which now fell about her shoulders in a profusion of curls. Poor Dick was astonished: he had never seen her look so distractingly beautiful before, save on Christmas-eve, when her hair was in the same luxuriant condition of freedom. But his first burst of delighted surprise was followed by less comfortable feelings, as soon as his brain recovered its power to think. Fancy had blushed;--was it with confusion? She had also involuntarily pressed back her curls. She had not expected him. "Fancy, you didn't know me for a moment in my funeral clothes, did you?" "Good-morning, Dick--no, really, I didn't know you for an instant in such a sad suit." He looked again at the gay tresses and hat. "You've never dressed so charming before, dearest." "I like to hear you praise me in that way, Dick," she said, smiling archly. "It is meat and drink to a woman. Do I look nice really?" "Fie! you know it. Did you remember,--I mean didn't you remember about my going away to-day?" "Well, yes, I did, Dick; but, you know, I wanted to look well;--forgive me." "Yes, darling; yes, of course,--there's nothing to forgive. No, I was only thinking that when we talked on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday and Friday about my absence to-day, and I was so sorry for it, you said, Fancy, so were you sorry, and almost cried, and said it would be no pleasure to you to be the attraction of the church to-day, since I could not be there." "My dear one, neither will it be so much pleasure to me . . . But I do take a little delight in my life, I suppose," she pouted. "Apart from mine?" She looked at him with perplexed eyes. "I know you are vexed with me, Dick, and it is because the first Sunday I have curls and a hat and feather since I have been here happens to be the very day you are away and won't be with me. Yes, say it is, for that is it! And you think that all this week I ought to have remembered you wouldn't be here to- day, and not have cared to be better dressed than usual. Yes, you do, Dick, and it is rather unkind!" "No, no," said Dick earnestly and simply, "I didn't think so badly of you as that. I only thought that--if you had been going away, I shouldn't have tried new attractions for the eyes of other people. But then of course you and I are different, naturally." "Well, perhaps we are." "Whatever will the vicar say, Fancy?" "I don't fear what he says in the least!" she answered proudly. "But he won't say anything of the sort you think. No, no." "He can hardly have conscience to, indeed." "Now come, you say, Dick, that you quite forgive me, for I must go," she said with sudden gaiety, and skipped backwards into the porch. "Come here, sir;--say you forgive me, and then you shall kiss me;--you never have yet when I have worn curls, you know. Yes, just where you want to so much,--yes, you may!" Dick followed her into the inner corner, where he was probably not slow in availing himself of the privilege offered. "Now that's a treat for you, isn't it?" she continued. "Good-bye, or I shall be late. Come and see me to-morrow: you'll be tired to-night." Thus they parted, and Fancy proceeded to the church. The organ stood on one side of the chancel, close to and under the immediate eye of the vicar when he was in the pulpit, and also in full view of the congregation. Here she sat down, for the first time in such a conspicuous position, her seat having previously been in a remote spot in the aisle. "Good heavens--disgraceful! Curls and a hat and feather!" said the daughters of the small gentry, who had either only curly hair without a hat and feather, or a hat and feather without curly hair. "A bonnet for church always," said sober matrons. That Mr. Maybold was conscious of her presence close beside him during the sermon; that he was not at all angry at her development of costume; that he admired her, she perceived. But she did not see that he loved her during that sermon-time as he had never loved a woman before; that her proximity was a strange delight to him; and that he gloried in her musical success that morning in a spirit quite beyond a mere cleric's glory at the inauguration of a new order of things. The old choir, with humbled hearts, no longer took their seats in the gallery as heretofore (which was now given up to the school-children who were not singers, and a pupil-teacher), but were scattered about with their wives in different parts of the church. Having nothing to do with conducting the service for almost the first time in their lives, they all felt awkward, out of place, abashed, and inconvenienced by their hands. The tranter had proposed that they should stay away to-day and go nutting, but grandfather William would not hear of such a thing for a moment. "No," he replied reproachfully, and quoted a verse: "Though this has come upon us, let not our hearts be turned back, or our steps go out of the way." So they stood and watched the curls of hair trailing down the back of the successful rival, and the waving of her feather, as she swayed her head. After a few timid notes and uncertain touches her playing became markedly correct, and towards the end full and free. But, whether from prejudice or unbiassed judgment, the venerable body of musicians could not help thinking that the simpler notes they had been wont to bring forth were more in keeping with the simplicity of their old church than the crowded chords and interludes it was her pleasure to produce. CHAPTER VI: INTO TEMPTATION The day was done, and Fancy was again in the school-house. About five o'clock it began to rain, and in rather a dull frame of mind she wandered into the schoolroom, for want of something better to do. She was thinking--of her lover Dick Dewy? Not precisely. Of how weary she was of living alone: how unbearable it would be to return to Yalbury under the rule of her strange-tempered step-mother; that it was far better to be married to anybody than do that; that eight or nine long months had yet to be lived through ere the wedding could take place. At the side of the room were high windows of Ham-hill stone, upon either sill of which she could sit by first mounting a desk and using it as a footstool. As the evening advanced here she perched herself, as was her custom on such wet and gloomy occasions, put on a light shawl and bonnet, opened the window, and looked out at the rain. The window overlooked a field called the Grove, and it was the position from which she used to survey the crown of Dick's passing hat in the early days of their acquaintance and meetings. Not a living soul was now visible anywhere; the rain kept all people indoors who were not forced abroad by necessity, and necessity was less importunate on Sundays than during the week. Sitting here and thinking again--of her lover, or of the sensation she had created at church that day?--well, it is unknown--thinking and thinking she saw a dark masculine figure arising into distinctness at the further end of the Grove--a man without an umbrella. Nearer and nearer he came, and she perceived that he was in deep mourning, and then that it was Dick. Yes, in the fondness and foolishness of his young heart, after walking four miles, in a drizzling rain without overcoat or umbrella, and in face of a remark from his love that he was not to come because he would be tired, he had made it his business to wander this mile out of his way again, from sheer wish of spending ten minutes in her presence. "O Dick, how wet you are!" she said, as he drew up under the window. "Why, your coat shines as if it had been varnished, and your hat--my goodness, there's a streaming hat!" "O, I don't mind, darling!" said Dick cheerfully. "Wet never hurts me, though I am rather sorry for my best clothes. However, it couldn't be helped; we lent all the umbrellas to the women. I don't know when I shall get mine back!" "And look, there's a nasty patch of something just on your shoulder." "Ah, that's japanning; it rubbed off the clamps of poor Jack's coffin when we lowered him from our shoulders upon the bier! I don't care about that, for 'twas the last deed I could do for him; and 'tis hard if you can't afford a coat for an old friend." Fancy put her hand to her mouth for half a minute. Underneath the palm of that little hand there existed for that half-minute a little yawn. "Dick, I don't like you to stand there in the wet. And you mustn't sit down. Go home and change your things. Don't stay another minute." "One kiss after coming so far," he pleaded. "If I can reach, then." He looked rather disappointed at not being invited round to the door. She twisted from her seated position and bent herself downwards, but not even by standing on the plinth was it possible for Dick to get his lips into contact with hers as she held them. By great exertion she might have reached a little lower; but then she would have exposed her head to the rain. "Never mind, Dick; kiss my hand," she said, flinging it down to him. "Now, good-bye." "Good-bye." He walked slowly away, turning and turning again to look at her till he was out of sight. During the retreat she said to herself, almost involuntarily, and still conscious of that morning's triumph--"I like Dick, and I love him; but how plain and sorry a man looks in the rain, with no umbrella, and wet through!" As he vanished, she made as if to descend from her seat; but glancing in the other direction she saw another form coming along the same track. It was also that of a man. He, too, was in black from top to toe; but he carried an umbrella. He drew nearer, and the direction of the rain caused him so to slant his umbrella that from her height above the ground his head was invisible, as she was also to him. He passed in due time directly beneath her, and in looking down upon the exterior of his umbrella her feminine eyes perceived it to be of superior silk--less common at that date than since--and of elegant make. He reached the entrance to the building, and Fancy suddenly lost sight of him. Instead of pursuing the roadway as Dick had done he had turned sharply round into her own porch. She jumped to the floor, hastily flung off her shawl and bonnet, smoothed and patted her hair till the curls hung in passable condition, and listened. No knock. Nearly a minute passed, and still there was no knock. Then there arose a soft series of raps, no louder than the tapping of a distant woodpecker, and barely distinct enough to reach her ears. She composed herself and flung open the door. In the porch stood Mr. Maybold. There was a warm flush upon his face, and a bright flash in his eyes, which made him look handsomer than she had ever seen him before. "Good-evening, Miss Day." "Good-evening, Mr. Maybold," she said, in a strange state of mind. She had noticed, beyond the ardent hue of his face, that his voice had a singular tremor in it, and that his hand shook like an aspen leaf when he laid his umbrella in the corner of the

unstirring

How many times the word 'unstirring' appears in the text?

Dewy." "Good-night, Mr. Day." Modest Dick's reply had faltered upon his tongue, and he turned away wondering at his presumption in asking for a woman whom he had seen from the beginning to be so superior to him. CHAPTER III: FANCY IN THE RAIN The next scene is a tempestuous afternoon in the following month, and Fancy Day is discovered walking from her father's home towards Mellstock. A single vast gray cloud covered the country, from which the small rain and mist had just begun to blow down in wavy sheets, alternately thick and thin. The trees of the fields and plantations writhed like miserable men as the air wound its way swiftly among them: the lowest portions of their trunks, that had hardly ever been known to move, were visibly rocked by the fiercer gusts, distressing the mind by its painful unwontedness, as when a strong man is seen to shed tears. Low-hanging boughs went up and down; high and erect boughs went to and fro; the blasts being so irregular, and divided into so many cross-currents, that neighbouring branches of the same tree swept the skies in independent motions, crossed each other, or became entangled. Across the open spaces flew flocks of green and yellowish leaves, which, after travelling a long distance from their parent trees, reached the ground, and lay there with their under-sides upward. As the rain and wind increased, and Fancy's bonnet-ribbons leapt more and more snappishly against her chin, she paused on entering Mellstock Lane to consider her latitude, and the distance to a place of shelter. The nearest house was Elizabeth Endorfield's, in Higher Mellstock, whose cottage and garden stood not far from the junction of that hamlet with the road she followed. Fancy hastened onward, and in five minutes entered a gate, which shed upon her toes a flood of water-drops as she opened it. "Come in, chiel!" a voice exclaimed, before Fancy had knocked: a promptness that would have surprised her had she not known that Mrs. Endorfield was an exceedingly and exceptionally sharp woman in the use of her eyes and ears. Fancy went in and sat down. Elizabeth was paring potatoes for her husband's supper. Scrape, scrape, scrape; then a toss, and splash went a potato into a bucket of water. Now, as Fancy listlessly noted these proceedings of the dame, she began to reconsider an old subject that lay uppermost in her heart. Since the interview between her father and Dick, the days had been melancholy days for her. Geoffrey's firm opposition to the notion of Dick as a son-in- law was more than she had expected. She had frequently seen her lover since that time, it is true, and had loved him more for the opposition than she would have otherwise dreamt of doing--which was a happiness of a certain kind. Yet, though love is thus an end in itself, it must be believed to be the means to another end if it is to assume the rosy hues of an unalloyed pleasure. And such a belief Fancy and Dick were emphatically denied just now. Elizabeth Endorfield had a repute among women which was in its nature something between distinction and notoriety. It was founded on the following items of character. She was shrewd and penetrating; her house stood in a lonely place; she never went to church; she wore a red cloak; she always retained her bonnet indoors and she had a pointed chin. Thus far her attributes were distinctly Satanic; and those who looked no further called her, in plain terms, a witch. But she was not gaunt, nor ugly in the upper part of her face, nor particularly strange in manner; so that, when her more intimate acquaintances spoke of her the term was softened, and she became simply a Deep Body, who was as long-headed as she was high. It may be stated that Elizabeth belonged to a class of suspects who were gradually losing their mysterious characteristics under the administration of the young vicar; though, during the long reign of Mr. Grinham, the parish of Mellstock had proved extremely favourable to the growth of witches. While Fancy was revolving all this in her mind, and putting it to herself whether it was worth while to tell her troubles to Elizabeth, and ask her advice in getting out of them, the witch spoke. "You be down--proper down," she said suddenly, dropping another potato into the bucket. Fancy took no notice. "About your young man." Fancy reddened. Elizabeth seemed to be watching her thoughts. Really, one would almost think she must have the powers people ascribed to her. "Father not in the humour for't, hey?" Another potato was finished and flung in. "Ah, I know about it. Little birds tell me things that people don't dream of my knowing." Fancy was desperate about Dick, and here was a chance--O, such a wicked chance--of getting help; and what was goodness beside love! "I wish you'd tell me how to put him in the humour for it?" she said. "That I could soon do," said the witch quietly. "Really? O, do; anyhow--I don't care--so that it is done! How could I do it, Mrs. Endorfield?" "Nothing so mighty wonderful in it." "Well, but how?" "By witchery, of course!" said Elizabeth. "No!" said Fancy. "'Tis, I assure ye. Didn't you ever hear I was a witch?" "Well," hesitated Fancy, "I have heard you called so." "And you believed it?" "I can't say that I did exactly believe it, for 'tis very horrible and wicked; but, O, how I do wish it was possible for you to be one!" "So I am. And I'll tell you how to bewitch your father to let you marry Dick Dewy." "Will it hurt him, poor thing?" "Hurt who?" "Father." "No; the charm is worked by common sense, and the spell can only be broke by your acting stupidly." Fancy looked rather perplexed, and Elizabeth went on: "This fear of Lizz--whatever 'tis-- By great and small; She makes pretence to common sense, And that's all. "You must do it like this." The witch laid down her knife and potato, and then poured into Fancy's ear a long and detailed list of directions, glancing up from the corner of her eye into Fancy's face with an expression of sinister humour. Fancy's face brightened, clouded, rose and sank, as the narrative proceeded. "There," said Elizabeth at length, stooping for the knife and another potato, "do that, and you'll have him by-long and by-late, my dear." "And do it I will!" said Fancy. She then turned her attention to the external world once more. The rain continued as usual, but the wind had abated considerably during the discourse. Judging that it was now possible to keep an umbrella erect, she pulled her hood again over her bonnet, bade the witch good-bye, and went her way. CHAPTER IV: THE SPELL Mrs. Endorfield's advice was duly followed. "I be proper sorry that your daughter isn't so well as she might be," said a Mellstock man to Geoffrey one morning. "But is there anything in it?" said Geoffrey uneasily, as he shifted his hat to the right. "I can't understand the report. She didn't complain to me a bit when I saw her." "No appetite at all, they say." Geoffrey crossed to Mellstock and called at the school that afternoon. Fancy welcomed him as usual, and asked him to stay and take tea with her. "I be'n't much for tea, this time o' day," he said, but stayed. During the meal he watched her narrowly. And to his great consternation discovered the following unprecedented change in the healthy girl--that she cut herself only a diaphanous slice of bread-and-butter, and, laying it on her plate, passed the meal-time in breaking it into pieces, but eating no more than about one-tenth of the slice. Geoffrey hoped she would say something about Dick, and finish up by weeping, as she had done after the decision against him a few days subsequent to the interview in the garden. But nothing was said, and in due time Geoffrey departed again for Yalbury Wood. "'Tis to be hoped poor Miss Fancy will be able to keep on her school," said Geoffrey's man Enoch to Geoffrey the following week, as they were shovelling up ant-hills in the wood. Geoffrey stuck in the shovel, swept seven or eight ants from his sleeve, and killed another that was prowling round his ear, then looked perpendicularly into the earth as usual, waiting for Enoch to say more. "Well, why shouldn't she?" said the keeper at last. "The baker told me yesterday," continued Enoch, shaking out another emmet that had run merrily up his thigh, "that the bread he've left at that there school-house this last month would starve any mouse in the three creations; that 'twould so! And afterwards I had a pint o' small down at Morrs's, and there I heard more." "What might that ha' been?" "That she used to have a pound o' the best rolled butter a week, regular as clockwork, from Dairyman Viney's for herself, as well as just so much salted for the helping girl, and the 'ooman she calls in; but now the same quantity d'last her three weeks, and then 'tis thoughted she throws it away sour." "Finish doing the emmets, and carry the bag home-along." The keeper resumed his gun, tucked it under his arm, and went on without whistling to the dogs, who however followed, with a bearing meant to imply that they did not expect any such attentions when their master was reflecting. On Saturday morning a note came from Fancy. He was not to trouble about sending her the couple of rabbits, as was intended, because she feared she should not want them. Later in the day Geoffrey went to Casterbridge and called upon the butcher who served Fancy with fresh meat, which was put down to her father's account. "I've called to pay up our little bill, Neighbour Haylock, and you can gie me the chiel's account at the same time." Mr. Haylock turned round three quarters of a circle in the midst of a heap of joints, altered the expression of his face from meat to money, went into a little office consisting only of a door and a window, looked very vigorously into a book which possessed length but no breadth; and then, seizing a piece of paper and scribbling thereupon, handed the bill. Probably it was the first time in the history of commercial transactions that the quality of shortness in a butcher's bill was a cause of tribulation to the debtor. "Why, this isn't all she've had in a whole month!" said Geoffrey. "Every mossel," said the butcher--"(now, Dan, take that leg and shoulder to Mrs. White's, and this eleven pound here to Mr. Martin's)--you've been treating her to smaller joints lately, to my thinking, Mr. Day?" "Only two or three little scram rabbits this last week, as I am alive--I wish I had!" "Well, my wife said to me--(Dan! not too much, not too much on that tray at a time; better go twice)--my wife said to me as she posted up the books: she says, 'Miss Day must have been affronted this summer during that hot muggy weather that spolit so much for us; for depend upon't,' she says, 'she've been trying John Grimmett unknown to us: see her account else.' 'Tis little, of course, at the best of times, being only for one, but now 'tis next kin to nothing." "I'll inquire," said Geoffrey despondingly. He returned by way of Mellstock, and called upon Fancy, in fulfilment of a promise. It being Saturday, the children were enjoying a holiday, and on entering the residence Fancy was nowhere to be seen. Nan, the charwoman, was sweeping the kitchen. "Where's my da'ter?" said the keeper. "Well, you see she was tired with the week's teaching, and this morning she said, 'Nan, I sha'n't get up till the evening.' You see, Mr. Day, if people don't eat, they can't work; and as she've gie'd up eating, she must gie up working." "Have ye carried up any dinner to her?" "No; she don't want any. There, we all know that such things don't come without good reason--not that I wish to say anything about a broken heart, or anything of the kind." Geoffrey's own heart felt inconveniently large just then. He went to the staircase and ascended to his daughter's door. "Fancy!" "Come in, father." To see a person in bed from any cause whatever, on a fine afternoon, is depressing enough; and here was his only child Fancy, not only in bed, but looking very pale. Geoffrey was visibly disturbed. "Fancy, I didn't expect to see thee here, chiel," he said. "What's the matter?" "I'm not well, father." "How's that?" "Because I think of things." "What things can you have to think o' so mortal much?" "You know, father." "You think I've been cruel to thee in saying that that penniless Dick o' thine sha'n't marry thee, I suppose?" No answer. "Well, you know, Fancy, I do it for the best, and he isn't good enough for thee. You know that well enough." Here he again looked at her as she lay. "Well, Fancy, I can't let my only chiel die; and if you can't live without en, you must ha' en, I suppose." "O, I don't want him like that; all against your will, and everything so disobedient!" sighed the invalid. "No, no, 'tisn't against my will. My wish is, now I d'see how 'tis hurten thee to live without en, that he shall marry thee as soon as we've considered a little. That's my wish flat and plain, Fancy. There, never cry, my little maid! You ought to ha' cried afore; no need o' crying now 'tis all over. Well, howsoever, try to step over and see me and mother- law to-morrow, and ha' a bit of dinner wi' us." "And--Dick too?" "Ay, Dick too, 'far's I know." "And when do you think you'll have considered, father, and he may marry me?" she coaxed. "Well, there, say next Midsummer; that's not a day too long to wait." On leaving the school Geoffrey went to the tranter's. Old William opened the door. "Is your grandson Dick in 'ithin, William?" "No, not just now, Mr. Day. Though he've been at home a good deal lately." "O, how's that?" "What wi' one thing, and what wi' t'other, he's all in a mope, as might be said. Don't seem the feller he used to. Ay, 'a will sit studding and thinking as if 'a were going to turn chapel-member, and then do nothing but traypse and wamble about. Used to be such a chatty boy, too, Dick did; and now 'a don't speak at all. But won't ye step inside? Reuben will be home soon, 'a b'lieve." "No, thank you, I can't stay now. Will ye just ask Dick if he'll do me the kindness to step over to Yalbury to-morrow with my da'ter Fancy, if she's well enough? I don't like her to come by herself, now she's not so terrible topping in health." "So I've heard. Ay, sure, I'll tell him without fail." CHAPTER V: AFTER GAINING HER POINT The visit to Geoffrey passed off as delightfully as a visit might have been expected to pass off when it was the first day of smooth experience in a hitherto obstructed love-course. And then came a series of several happy days, of the same undisturbed serenity. Dick could court her when he chose; stay away when he chose,--which was never; walk with her by winding streams and waterfalls and autumn scenery till dews and twilight sent them home. And thus they drew near the day of the Harvest Thanksgiving, which was also the time chosen for opening the organ in Mellstock Church. It chanced that Dick on that very day was called away from Mellstock. A young acquaintance had died of consumption at Charmley, a neighbouring village, on the previous Monday, and Dick, in fulfilment of a long-standing promise, was to assist in carrying him to the grave. When on Tuesday, Dick went towards the school to acquaint Fancy with the fact, it is difficult to say whether his own disappointment at being denied the sight of her triumphant debut as organist, was greater than his vexation that his pet should on this great occasion be deprived of the pleasure of his presence. However, the intelligence was communicated. She bore it as she best could, not without many expressions of regret, and convictions that her performance would be nothing to her now. Just before eleven o'clock on Sunday he set out upon his sad errand. The funeral was to be immediately after the morning service, and as there were four good miles to walk, driving being inconvenient, it became necessary to start comparatively early. Half an hour later would certainly have answered his purpose quite as well, yet at the last moment nothing would content his ardent mind but that he must go a mile out of his way in the direction of the school, in the hope of getting a glimpse of his Love as she started for church. Striking, therefore, into the lane towards the school, instead of across the ewelease direct to Charmley, he arrived opposite her door as his goddess emerged. If ever a woman looked a divinity, Fancy Day appeared one that morning as she floated down those school steps, in the form of a nebulous collection of colours inclining to blue. With an audacity unparalleled in the whole history of village-school-mistresses at this date--partly owing, no doubt, to papa's respectable accumulation of cash, which rendered her profession not altogether one of necessity--she had actually donned a hat and feather, and lowered her hitherto plainly looped-up hair, which now fell about her shoulders in a profusion of curls. Poor Dick was astonished: he had never seen her look so distractingly beautiful before, save on Christmas-eve, when her hair was in the same luxuriant condition of freedom. But his first burst of delighted surprise was followed by less comfortable feelings, as soon as his brain recovered its power to think. Fancy had blushed;--was it with confusion? She had also involuntarily pressed back her curls. She had not expected him. "Fancy, you didn't know me for a moment in my funeral clothes, did you?" "Good-morning, Dick--no, really, I didn't know you for an instant in such a sad suit." He looked again at the gay tresses and hat. "You've never dressed so charming before, dearest." "I like to hear you praise me in that way, Dick," she said, smiling archly. "It is meat and drink to a woman. Do I look nice really?" "Fie! you know it. Did you remember,--I mean didn't you remember about my going away to-day?" "Well, yes, I did, Dick; but, you know, I wanted to look well;--forgive me." "Yes, darling; yes, of course,--there's nothing to forgive. No, I was only thinking that when we talked on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday and Friday about my absence to-day, and I was so sorry for it, you said, Fancy, so were you sorry, and almost cried, and said it would be no pleasure to you to be the attraction of the church to-day, since I could not be there." "My dear one, neither will it be so much pleasure to me . . . But I do take a little delight in my life, I suppose," she pouted. "Apart from mine?" She looked at him with perplexed eyes. "I know you are vexed with me, Dick, and it is because the first Sunday I have curls and a hat and feather since I have been here happens to be the very day you are away and won't be with me. Yes, say it is, for that is it! And you think that all this week I ought to have remembered you wouldn't be here to- day, and not have cared to be better dressed than usual. Yes, you do, Dick, and it is rather unkind!" "No, no," said Dick earnestly and simply, "I didn't think so badly of you as that. I only thought that--if you had been going away, I shouldn't have tried new attractions for the eyes of other people. But then of course you and I are different, naturally." "Well, perhaps we are." "Whatever will the vicar say, Fancy?" "I don't fear what he says in the least!" she answered proudly. "But he won't say anything of the sort you think. No, no." "He can hardly have conscience to, indeed." "Now come, you say, Dick, that you quite forgive me, for I must go," she said with sudden gaiety, and skipped backwards into the porch. "Come here, sir;--say you forgive me, and then you shall kiss me;--you never have yet when I have worn curls, you know. Yes, just where you want to so much,--yes, you may!" Dick followed her into the inner corner, where he was probably not slow in availing himself of the privilege offered. "Now that's a treat for you, isn't it?" she continued. "Good-bye, or I shall be late. Come and see me to-morrow: you'll be tired to-night." Thus they parted, and Fancy proceeded to the church. The organ stood on one side of the chancel, close to and under the immediate eye of the vicar when he was in the pulpit, and also in full view of the congregation. Here she sat down, for the first time in such a conspicuous position, her seat having previously been in a remote spot in the aisle. "Good heavens--disgraceful! Curls and a hat and feather!" said the daughters of the small gentry, who had either only curly hair without a hat and feather, or a hat and feather without curly hair. "A bonnet for church always," said sober matrons. That Mr. Maybold was conscious of her presence close beside him during the sermon; that he was not at all angry at her development of costume; that he admired her, she perceived. But she did not see that he loved her during that sermon-time as he had never loved a woman before; that her proximity was a strange delight to him; and that he gloried in her musical success that morning in a spirit quite beyond a mere cleric's glory at the inauguration of a new order of things. The old choir, with humbled hearts, no longer took their seats in the gallery as heretofore (which was now given up to the school-children who were not singers, and a pupil-teacher), but were scattered about with their wives in different parts of the church. Having nothing to do with conducting the service for almost the first time in their lives, they all felt awkward, out of place, abashed, and inconvenienced by their hands. The tranter had proposed that they should stay away to-day and go nutting, but grandfather William would not hear of such a thing for a moment. "No," he replied reproachfully, and quoted a verse: "Though this has come upon us, let not our hearts be turned back, or our steps go out of the way." So they stood and watched the curls of hair trailing down the back of the successful rival, and the waving of her feather, as she swayed her head. After a few timid notes and uncertain touches her playing became markedly correct, and towards the end full and free. But, whether from prejudice or unbiassed judgment, the venerable body of musicians could not help thinking that the simpler notes they had been wont to bring forth were more in keeping with the simplicity of their old church than the crowded chords and interludes it was her pleasure to produce. CHAPTER VI: INTO TEMPTATION The day was done, and Fancy was again in the school-house. About five o'clock it began to rain, and in rather a dull frame of mind she wandered into the schoolroom, for want of something better to do. She was thinking--of her lover Dick Dewy? Not precisely. Of how weary she was of living alone: how unbearable it would be to return to Yalbury under the rule of her strange-tempered step-mother; that it was far better to be married to anybody than do that; that eight or nine long months had yet to be lived through ere the wedding could take place. At the side of the room were high windows of Ham-hill stone, upon either sill of which she could sit by first mounting a desk and using it as a footstool. As the evening advanced here she perched herself, as was her custom on such wet and gloomy occasions, put on a light shawl and bonnet, opened the window, and looked out at the rain. The window overlooked a field called the Grove, and it was the position from which she used to survey the crown of Dick's passing hat in the early days of their acquaintance and meetings. Not a living soul was now visible anywhere; the rain kept all people indoors who were not forced abroad by necessity, and necessity was less importunate on Sundays than during the week. Sitting here and thinking again--of her lover, or of the sensation she had created at church that day?--well, it is unknown--thinking and thinking she saw a dark masculine figure arising into distinctness at the further end of the Grove--a man without an umbrella. Nearer and nearer he came, and she perceived that he was in deep mourning, and then that it was Dick. Yes, in the fondness and foolishness of his young heart, after walking four miles, in a drizzling rain without overcoat or umbrella, and in face of a remark from his love that he was not to come because he would be tired, he had made it his business to wander this mile out of his way again, from sheer wish of spending ten minutes in her presence. "O Dick, how wet you are!" she said, as he drew up under the window. "Why, your coat shines as if it had been varnished, and your hat--my goodness, there's a streaming hat!" "O, I don't mind, darling!" said Dick cheerfully. "Wet never hurts me, though I am rather sorry for my best clothes. However, it couldn't be helped; we lent all the umbrellas to the women. I don't know when I shall get mine back!" "And look, there's a nasty patch of something just on your shoulder." "Ah, that's japanning; it rubbed off the clamps of poor Jack's coffin when we lowered him from our shoulders upon the bier! I don't care about that, for 'twas the last deed I could do for him; and 'tis hard if you can't afford a coat for an old friend." Fancy put her hand to her mouth for half a minute. Underneath the palm of that little hand there existed for that half-minute a little yawn. "Dick, I don't like you to stand there in the wet. And you mustn't sit down. Go home and change your things. Don't stay another minute." "One kiss after coming so far," he pleaded. "If I can reach, then." He looked rather disappointed at not being invited round to the door. She twisted from her seated position and bent herself downwards, but not even by standing on the plinth was it possible for Dick to get his lips into contact with hers as she held them. By great exertion she might have reached a little lower; but then she would have exposed her head to the rain. "Never mind, Dick; kiss my hand," she said, flinging it down to him. "Now, good-bye." "Good-bye." He walked slowly away, turning and turning again to look at her till he was out of sight. During the retreat she said to herself, almost involuntarily, and still conscious of that morning's triumph--"I like Dick, and I love him; but how plain and sorry a man looks in the rain, with no umbrella, and wet through!" As he vanished, she made as if to descend from her seat; but glancing in the other direction she saw another form coming along the same track. It was also that of a man. He, too, was in black from top to toe; but he carried an umbrella. He drew nearer, and the direction of the rain caused him so to slant his umbrella that from her height above the ground his head was invisible, as she was also to him. He passed in due time directly beneath her, and in looking down upon the exterior of his umbrella her feminine eyes perceived it to be of superior silk--less common at that date than since--and of elegant make. He reached the entrance to the building, and Fancy suddenly lost sight of him. Instead of pursuing the roadway as Dick had done he had turned sharply round into her own porch. She jumped to the floor, hastily flung off her shawl and bonnet, smoothed and patted her hair till the curls hung in passable condition, and listened. No knock. Nearly a minute passed, and still there was no knock. Then there arose a soft series of raps, no louder than the tapping of a distant woodpecker, and barely distinct enough to reach her ears. She composed herself and flung open the door. In the porch stood Mr. Maybold. There was a warm flush upon his face, and a bright flash in his eyes, which made him look handsomer than she had ever seen him before. "Good-evening, Miss Day." "Good-evening, Mr. Maybold," she said, in a strange state of mind. She had noticed, beyond the ardent hue of his face, that his voice had a singular tremor in it, and that his hand shook like an aspen leaf when he laid his umbrella in the corner of the

despondingly

How many times the word 'despondingly' appears in the text?

Dewy." "Good-night, Mr. Day." Modest Dick's reply had faltered upon his tongue, and he turned away wondering at his presumption in asking for a woman whom he had seen from the beginning to be so superior to him. CHAPTER III: FANCY IN THE RAIN The next scene is a tempestuous afternoon in the following month, and Fancy Day is discovered walking from her father's home towards Mellstock. A single vast gray cloud covered the country, from which the small rain and mist had just begun to blow down in wavy sheets, alternately thick and thin. The trees of the fields and plantations writhed like miserable men as the air wound its way swiftly among them: the lowest portions of their trunks, that had hardly ever been known to move, were visibly rocked by the fiercer gusts, distressing the mind by its painful unwontedness, as when a strong man is seen to shed tears. Low-hanging boughs went up and down; high and erect boughs went to and fro; the blasts being so irregular, and divided into so many cross-currents, that neighbouring branches of the same tree swept the skies in independent motions, crossed each other, or became entangled. Across the open spaces flew flocks of green and yellowish leaves, which, after travelling a long distance from their parent trees, reached the ground, and lay there with their under-sides upward. As the rain and wind increased, and Fancy's bonnet-ribbons leapt more and more snappishly against her chin, she paused on entering Mellstock Lane to consider her latitude, and the distance to a place of shelter. The nearest house was Elizabeth Endorfield's, in Higher Mellstock, whose cottage and garden stood not far from the junction of that hamlet with the road she followed. Fancy hastened onward, and in five minutes entered a gate, which shed upon her toes a flood of water-drops as she opened it. "Come in, chiel!" a voice exclaimed, before Fancy had knocked: a promptness that would have surprised her had she not known that Mrs. Endorfield was an exceedingly and exceptionally sharp woman in the use of her eyes and ears. Fancy went in and sat down. Elizabeth was paring potatoes for her husband's supper. Scrape, scrape, scrape; then a toss, and splash went a potato into a bucket of water. Now, as Fancy listlessly noted these proceedings of the dame, she began to reconsider an old subject that lay uppermost in her heart. Since the interview between her father and Dick, the days had been melancholy days for her. Geoffrey's firm opposition to the notion of Dick as a son-in- law was more than she had expected. She had frequently seen her lover since that time, it is true, and had loved him more for the opposition than she would have otherwise dreamt of doing--which was a happiness of a certain kind. Yet, though love is thus an end in itself, it must be believed to be the means to another end if it is to assume the rosy hues of an unalloyed pleasure. And such a belief Fancy and Dick were emphatically denied just now. Elizabeth Endorfield had a repute among women which was in its nature something between distinction and notoriety. It was founded on the following items of character. She was shrewd and penetrating; her house stood in a lonely place; she never went to church; she wore a red cloak; she always retained her bonnet indoors and she had a pointed chin. Thus far her attributes were distinctly Satanic; and those who looked no further called her, in plain terms, a witch. But she was not gaunt, nor ugly in the upper part of her face, nor particularly strange in manner; so that, when her more intimate acquaintances spoke of her the term was softened, and she became simply a Deep Body, who was as long-headed as she was high. It may be stated that Elizabeth belonged to a class of suspects who were gradually losing their mysterious characteristics under the administration of the young vicar; though, during the long reign of Mr. Grinham, the parish of Mellstock had proved extremely favourable to the growth of witches. While Fancy was revolving all this in her mind, and putting it to herself whether it was worth while to tell her troubles to Elizabeth, and ask her advice in getting out of them, the witch spoke. "You be down--proper down," she said suddenly, dropping another potato into the bucket. Fancy took no notice. "About your young man." Fancy reddened. Elizabeth seemed to be watching her thoughts. Really, one would almost think she must have the powers people ascribed to her. "Father not in the humour for't, hey?" Another potato was finished and flung in. "Ah, I know about it. Little birds tell me things that people don't dream of my knowing." Fancy was desperate about Dick, and here was a chance--O, such a wicked chance--of getting help; and what was goodness beside love! "I wish you'd tell me how to put him in the humour for it?" she said. "That I could soon do," said the witch quietly. "Really? O, do; anyhow--I don't care--so that it is done! How could I do it, Mrs. Endorfield?" "Nothing so mighty wonderful in it." "Well, but how?" "By witchery, of course!" said Elizabeth. "No!" said Fancy. "'Tis, I assure ye. Didn't you ever hear I was a witch?" "Well," hesitated Fancy, "I have heard you called so." "And you believed it?" "I can't say that I did exactly believe it, for 'tis very horrible and wicked; but, O, how I do wish it was possible for you to be one!" "So I am. And I'll tell you how to bewitch your father to let you marry Dick Dewy." "Will it hurt him, poor thing?" "Hurt who?" "Father." "No; the charm is worked by common sense, and the spell can only be broke by your acting stupidly." Fancy looked rather perplexed, and Elizabeth went on: "This fear of Lizz--whatever 'tis-- By great and small; She makes pretence to common sense, And that's all. "You must do it like this." The witch laid down her knife and potato, and then poured into Fancy's ear a long and detailed list of directions, glancing up from the corner of her eye into Fancy's face with an expression of sinister humour. Fancy's face brightened, clouded, rose and sank, as the narrative proceeded. "There," said Elizabeth at length, stooping for the knife and another potato, "do that, and you'll have him by-long and by-late, my dear." "And do it I will!" said Fancy. She then turned her attention to the external world once more. The rain continued as usual, but the wind had abated considerably during the discourse. Judging that it was now possible to keep an umbrella erect, she pulled her hood again over her bonnet, bade the witch good-bye, and went her way. CHAPTER IV: THE SPELL Mrs. Endorfield's advice was duly followed. "I be proper sorry that your daughter isn't so well as she might be," said a Mellstock man to Geoffrey one morning. "But is there anything in it?" said Geoffrey uneasily, as he shifted his hat to the right. "I can't understand the report. She didn't complain to me a bit when I saw her." "No appetite at all, they say." Geoffrey crossed to Mellstock and called at the school that afternoon. Fancy welcomed him as usual, and asked him to stay and take tea with her. "I be'n't much for tea, this time o' day," he said, but stayed. During the meal he watched her narrowly. And to his great consternation discovered the following unprecedented change in the healthy girl--that she cut herself only a diaphanous slice of bread-and-butter, and, laying it on her plate, passed the meal-time in breaking it into pieces, but eating no more than about one-tenth of the slice. Geoffrey hoped she would say something about Dick, and finish up by weeping, as she had done after the decision against him a few days subsequent to the interview in the garden. But nothing was said, and in due time Geoffrey departed again for Yalbury Wood. "'Tis to be hoped poor Miss Fancy will be able to keep on her school," said Geoffrey's man Enoch to Geoffrey the following week, as they were shovelling up ant-hills in the wood. Geoffrey stuck in the shovel, swept seven or eight ants from his sleeve, and killed another that was prowling round his ear, then looked perpendicularly into the earth as usual, waiting for Enoch to say more. "Well, why shouldn't she?" said the keeper at last. "The baker told me yesterday," continued Enoch, shaking out another emmet that had run merrily up his thigh, "that the bread he've left at that there school-house this last month would starve any mouse in the three creations; that 'twould so! And afterwards I had a pint o' small down at Morrs's, and there I heard more." "What might that ha' been?" "That she used to have a pound o' the best rolled butter a week, regular as clockwork, from Dairyman Viney's for herself, as well as just so much salted for the helping girl, and the 'ooman she calls in; but now the same quantity d'last her three weeks, and then 'tis thoughted she throws it away sour." "Finish doing the emmets, and carry the bag home-along." The keeper resumed his gun, tucked it under his arm, and went on without whistling to the dogs, who however followed, with a bearing meant to imply that they did not expect any such attentions when their master was reflecting. On Saturday morning a note came from Fancy. He was not to trouble about sending her the couple of rabbits, as was intended, because she feared she should not want them. Later in the day Geoffrey went to Casterbridge and called upon the butcher who served Fancy with fresh meat, which was put down to her father's account. "I've called to pay up our little bill, Neighbour Haylock, and you can gie me the chiel's account at the same time." Mr. Haylock turned round three quarters of a circle in the midst of a heap of joints, altered the expression of his face from meat to money, went into a little office consisting only of a door and a window, looked very vigorously into a book which possessed length but no breadth; and then, seizing a piece of paper and scribbling thereupon, handed the bill. Probably it was the first time in the history of commercial transactions that the quality of shortness in a butcher's bill was a cause of tribulation to the debtor. "Why, this isn't all she've had in a whole month!" said Geoffrey. "Every mossel," said the butcher--"(now, Dan, take that leg and shoulder to Mrs. White's, and this eleven pound here to Mr. Martin's)--you've been treating her to smaller joints lately, to my thinking, Mr. Day?" "Only two or three little scram rabbits this last week, as I am alive--I wish I had!" "Well, my wife said to me--(Dan! not too much, not too much on that tray at a time; better go twice)--my wife said to me as she posted up the books: she says, 'Miss Day must have been affronted this summer during that hot muggy weather that spolit so much for us; for depend upon't,' she says, 'she've been trying John Grimmett unknown to us: see her account else.' 'Tis little, of course, at the best of times, being only for one, but now 'tis next kin to nothing." "I'll inquire," said Geoffrey despondingly. He returned by way of Mellstock, and called upon Fancy, in fulfilment of a promise. It being Saturday, the children were enjoying a holiday, and on entering the residence Fancy was nowhere to be seen. Nan, the charwoman, was sweeping the kitchen. "Where's my da'ter?" said the keeper. "Well, you see she was tired with the week's teaching, and this morning she said, 'Nan, I sha'n't get up till the evening.' You see, Mr. Day, if people don't eat, they can't work; and as she've gie'd up eating, she must gie up working." "Have ye carried up any dinner to her?" "No; she don't want any. There, we all know that such things don't come without good reason--not that I wish to say anything about a broken heart, or anything of the kind." Geoffrey's own heart felt inconveniently large just then. He went to the staircase and ascended to his daughter's door. "Fancy!" "Come in, father." To see a person in bed from any cause whatever, on a fine afternoon, is depressing enough; and here was his only child Fancy, not only in bed, but looking very pale. Geoffrey was visibly disturbed. "Fancy, I didn't expect to see thee here, chiel," he said. "What's the matter?" "I'm not well, father." "How's that?" "Because I think of things." "What things can you have to think o' so mortal much?" "You know, father." "You think I've been cruel to thee in saying that that penniless Dick o' thine sha'n't marry thee, I suppose?" No answer. "Well, you know, Fancy, I do it for the best, and he isn't good enough for thee. You know that well enough." Here he again looked at her as she lay. "Well, Fancy, I can't let my only chiel die; and if you can't live without en, you must ha' en, I suppose." "O, I don't want him like that; all against your will, and everything so disobedient!" sighed the invalid. "No, no, 'tisn't against my will. My wish is, now I d'see how 'tis hurten thee to live without en, that he shall marry thee as soon as we've considered a little. That's my wish flat and plain, Fancy. There, never cry, my little maid! You ought to ha' cried afore; no need o' crying now 'tis all over. Well, howsoever, try to step over and see me and mother- law to-morrow, and ha' a bit of dinner wi' us." "And--Dick too?" "Ay, Dick too, 'far's I know." "And when do you think you'll have considered, father, and he may marry me?" she coaxed. "Well, there, say next Midsummer; that's not a day too long to wait." On leaving the school Geoffrey went to the tranter's. Old William opened the door. "Is your grandson Dick in 'ithin, William?" "No, not just now, Mr. Day. Though he've been at home a good deal lately." "O, how's that?" "What wi' one thing, and what wi' t'other, he's all in a mope, as might be said. Don't seem the feller he used to. Ay, 'a will sit studding and thinking as if 'a were going to turn chapel-member, and then do nothing but traypse and wamble about. Used to be such a chatty boy, too, Dick did; and now 'a don't speak at all. But won't ye step inside? Reuben will be home soon, 'a b'lieve." "No, thank you, I can't stay now. Will ye just ask Dick if he'll do me the kindness to step over to Yalbury to-morrow with my da'ter Fancy, if she's well enough? I don't like her to come by herself, now she's not so terrible topping in health." "So I've heard. Ay, sure, I'll tell him without fail." CHAPTER V: AFTER GAINING HER POINT The visit to Geoffrey passed off as delightfully as a visit might have been expected to pass off when it was the first day of smooth experience in a hitherto obstructed love-course. And then came a series of several happy days, of the same undisturbed serenity. Dick could court her when he chose; stay away when he chose,--which was never; walk with her by winding streams and waterfalls and autumn scenery till dews and twilight sent them home. And thus they drew near the day of the Harvest Thanksgiving, which was also the time chosen for opening the organ in Mellstock Church. It chanced that Dick on that very day was called away from Mellstock. A young acquaintance had died of consumption at Charmley, a neighbouring village, on the previous Monday, and Dick, in fulfilment of a long-standing promise, was to assist in carrying him to the grave. When on Tuesday, Dick went towards the school to acquaint Fancy with the fact, it is difficult to say whether his own disappointment at being denied the sight of her triumphant debut as organist, was greater than his vexation that his pet should on this great occasion be deprived of the pleasure of his presence. However, the intelligence was communicated. She bore it as she best could, not without many expressions of regret, and convictions that her performance would be nothing to her now. Just before eleven o'clock on Sunday he set out upon his sad errand. The funeral was to be immediately after the morning service, and as there were four good miles to walk, driving being inconvenient, it became necessary to start comparatively early. Half an hour later would certainly have answered his purpose quite as well, yet at the last moment nothing would content his ardent mind but that he must go a mile out of his way in the direction of the school, in the hope of getting a glimpse of his Love as she started for church. Striking, therefore, into the lane towards the school, instead of across the ewelease direct to Charmley, he arrived opposite her door as his goddess emerged. If ever a woman looked a divinity, Fancy Day appeared one that morning as she floated down those school steps, in the form of a nebulous collection of colours inclining to blue. With an audacity unparalleled in the whole history of village-school-mistresses at this date--partly owing, no doubt, to papa's respectable accumulation of cash, which rendered her profession not altogether one of necessity--she had actually donned a hat and feather, and lowered her hitherto plainly looped-up hair, which now fell about her shoulders in a profusion of curls. Poor Dick was astonished: he had never seen her look so distractingly beautiful before, save on Christmas-eve, when her hair was in the same luxuriant condition of freedom. But his first burst of delighted surprise was followed by less comfortable feelings, as soon as his brain recovered its power to think. Fancy had blushed;--was it with confusion? She had also involuntarily pressed back her curls. She had not expected him. "Fancy, you didn't know me for a moment in my funeral clothes, did you?" "Good-morning, Dick--no, really, I didn't know you for an instant in such a sad suit." He looked again at the gay tresses and hat. "You've never dressed so charming before, dearest." "I like to hear you praise me in that way, Dick," she said, smiling archly. "It is meat and drink to a woman. Do I look nice really?" "Fie! you know it. Did you remember,--I mean didn't you remember about my going away to-day?" "Well, yes, I did, Dick; but, you know, I wanted to look well;--forgive me." "Yes, darling; yes, of course,--there's nothing to forgive. No, I was only thinking that when we talked on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday and Friday about my absence to-day, and I was so sorry for it, you said, Fancy, so were you sorry, and almost cried, and said it would be no pleasure to you to be the attraction of the church to-day, since I could not be there." "My dear one, neither will it be so much pleasure to me . . . But I do take a little delight in my life, I suppose," she pouted. "Apart from mine?" She looked at him with perplexed eyes. "I know you are vexed with me, Dick, and it is because the first Sunday I have curls and a hat and feather since I have been here happens to be the very day you are away and won't be with me. Yes, say it is, for that is it! And you think that all this week I ought to have remembered you wouldn't be here to- day, and not have cared to be better dressed than usual. Yes, you do, Dick, and it is rather unkind!" "No, no," said Dick earnestly and simply, "I didn't think so badly of you as that. I only thought that--if you had been going away, I shouldn't have tried new attractions for the eyes of other people. But then of course you and I are different, naturally." "Well, perhaps we are." "Whatever will the vicar say, Fancy?" "I don't fear what he says in the least!" she answered proudly. "But he won't say anything of the sort you think. No, no." "He can hardly have conscience to, indeed." "Now come, you say, Dick, that you quite forgive me, for I must go," she said with sudden gaiety, and skipped backwards into the porch. "Come here, sir;--say you forgive me, and then you shall kiss me;--you never have yet when I have worn curls, you know. Yes, just where you want to so much,--yes, you may!" Dick followed her into the inner corner, where he was probably not slow in availing himself of the privilege offered. "Now that's a treat for you, isn't it?" she continued. "Good-bye, or I shall be late. Come and see me to-morrow: you'll be tired to-night." Thus they parted, and Fancy proceeded to the church. The organ stood on one side of the chancel, close to and under the immediate eye of the vicar when he was in the pulpit, and also in full view of the congregation. Here she sat down, for the first time in such a conspicuous position, her seat having previously been in a remote spot in the aisle. "Good heavens--disgraceful! Curls and a hat and feather!" said the daughters of the small gentry, who had either only curly hair without a hat and feather, or a hat and feather without curly hair. "A bonnet for church always," said sober matrons. That Mr. Maybold was conscious of her presence close beside him during the sermon; that he was not at all angry at her development of costume; that he admired her, she perceived. But she did not see that he loved her during that sermon-time as he had never loved a woman before; that her proximity was a strange delight to him; and that he gloried in her musical success that morning in a spirit quite beyond a mere cleric's glory at the inauguration of a new order of things. The old choir, with humbled hearts, no longer took their seats in the gallery as heretofore (which was now given up to the school-children who were not singers, and a pupil-teacher), but were scattered about with their wives in different parts of the church. Having nothing to do with conducting the service for almost the first time in their lives, they all felt awkward, out of place, abashed, and inconvenienced by their hands. The tranter had proposed that they should stay away to-day and go nutting, but grandfather William would not hear of such a thing for a moment. "No," he replied reproachfully, and quoted a verse: "Though this has come upon us, let not our hearts be turned back, or our steps go out of the way." So they stood and watched the curls of hair trailing down the back of the successful rival, and the waving of her feather, as she swayed her head. After a few timid notes and uncertain touches her playing became markedly correct, and towards the end full and free. But, whether from prejudice or unbiassed judgment, the venerable body of musicians could not help thinking that the simpler notes they had been wont to bring forth were more in keeping with the simplicity of their old church than the crowded chords and interludes it was her pleasure to produce. CHAPTER VI: INTO TEMPTATION The day was done, and Fancy was again in the school-house. About five o'clock it began to rain, and in rather a dull frame of mind she wandered into the schoolroom, for want of something better to do. She was thinking--of her lover Dick Dewy? Not precisely. Of how weary she was of living alone: how unbearable it would be to return to Yalbury under the rule of her strange-tempered step-mother; that it was far better to be married to anybody than do that; that eight or nine long months had yet to be lived through ere the wedding could take place. At the side of the room were high windows of Ham-hill stone, upon either sill of which she could sit by first mounting a desk and using it as a footstool. As the evening advanced here she perched herself, as was her custom on such wet and gloomy occasions, put on a light shawl and bonnet, opened the window, and looked out at the rain. The window overlooked a field called the Grove, and it was the position from which she used to survey the crown of Dick's passing hat in the early days of their acquaintance and meetings. Not a living soul was now visible anywhere; the rain kept all people indoors who were not forced abroad by necessity, and necessity was less importunate on Sundays than during the week. Sitting here and thinking again--of her lover, or of the sensation she had created at church that day?--well, it is unknown--thinking and thinking she saw a dark masculine figure arising into distinctness at the further end of the Grove--a man without an umbrella. Nearer and nearer he came, and she perceived that he was in deep mourning, and then that it was Dick. Yes, in the fondness and foolishness of his young heart, after walking four miles, in a drizzling rain without overcoat or umbrella, and in face of a remark from his love that he was not to come because he would be tired, he had made it his business to wander this mile out of his way again, from sheer wish of spending ten minutes in her presence. "O Dick, how wet you are!" she said, as he drew up under the window. "Why, your coat shines as if it had been varnished, and your hat--my goodness, there's a streaming hat!" "O, I don't mind, darling!" said Dick cheerfully. "Wet never hurts me, though I am rather sorry for my best clothes. However, it couldn't be helped; we lent all the umbrellas to the women. I don't know when I shall get mine back!" "And look, there's a nasty patch of something just on your shoulder." "Ah, that's japanning; it rubbed off the clamps of poor Jack's coffin when we lowered him from our shoulders upon the bier! I don't care about that, for 'twas the last deed I could do for him; and 'tis hard if you can't afford a coat for an old friend." Fancy put her hand to her mouth for half a minute. Underneath the palm of that little hand there existed for that half-minute a little yawn. "Dick, I don't like you to stand there in the wet. And you mustn't sit down. Go home and change your things. Don't stay another minute." "One kiss after coming so far," he pleaded. "If I can reach, then." He looked rather disappointed at not being invited round to the door. She twisted from her seated position and bent herself downwards, but not even by standing on the plinth was it possible for Dick to get his lips into contact with hers as she held them. By great exertion she might have reached a little lower; but then she would have exposed her head to the rain. "Never mind, Dick; kiss my hand," she said, flinging it down to him. "Now, good-bye." "Good-bye." He walked slowly away, turning and turning again to look at her till he was out of sight. During the retreat she said to herself, almost involuntarily, and still conscious of that morning's triumph--"I like Dick, and I love him; but how plain and sorry a man looks in the rain, with no umbrella, and wet through!" As he vanished, she made as if to descend from her seat; but glancing in the other direction she saw another form coming along the same track. It was also that of a man. He, too, was in black from top to toe; but he carried an umbrella. He drew nearer, and the direction of the rain caused him so to slant his umbrella that from her height above the ground his head was invisible, as she was also to him. He passed in due time directly beneath her, and in looking down upon the exterior of his umbrella her feminine eyes perceived it to be of superior silk--less common at that date than since--and of elegant make. He reached the entrance to the building, and Fancy suddenly lost sight of him. Instead of pursuing the roadway as Dick had done he had turned sharply round into her own porch. She jumped to the floor, hastily flung off her shawl and bonnet, smoothed and patted her hair till the curls hung in passable condition, and listened. No knock. Nearly a minute passed, and still there was no knock. Then there arose a soft series of raps, no louder than the tapping of a distant woodpecker, and barely distinct enough to reach her ears. She composed herself and flung open the door. In the porch stood Mr. Maybold. There was a warm flush upon his face, and a bright flash in his eyes, which made him look handsomer than she had ever seen him before. "Good-evening, Miss Day." "Good-evening, Mr. Maybold," she said, in a strange state of mind. She had noticed, beyond the ardent hue of his face, that his voice had a singular tremor in it, and that his hand shook like an aspen leaf when he laid his umbrella in the corner of the

where

How many times the word 'where' appears in the text?

Dewy." "Good-night, Mr. Day." Modest Dick's reply had faltered upon his tongue, and he turned away wondering at his presumption in asking for a woman whom he had seen from the beginning to be so superior to him. CHAPTER III: FANCY IN THE RAIN The next scene is a tempestuous afternoon in the following month, and Fancy Day is discovered walking from her father's home towards Mellstock. A single vast gray cloud covered the country, from which the small rain and mist had just begun to blow down in wavy sheets, alternately thick and thin. The trees of the fields and plantations writhed like miserable men as the air wound its way swiftly among them: the lowest portions of their trunks, that had hardly ever been known to move, were visibly rocked by the fiercer gusts, distressing the mind by its painful unwontedness, as when a strong man is seen to shed tears. Low-hanging boughs went up and down; high and erect boughs went to and fro; the blasts being so irregular, and divided into so many cross-currents, that neighbouring branches of the same tree swept the skies in independent motions, crossed each other, or became entangled. Across the open spaces flew flocks of green and yellowish leaves, which, after travelling a long distance from their parent trees, reached the ground, and lay there with their under-sides upward. As the rain and wind increased, and Fancy's bonnet-ribbons leapt more and more snappishly against her chin, she paused on entering Mellstock Lane to consider her latitude, and the distance to a place of shelter. The nearest house was Elizabeth Endorfield's, in Higher Mellstock, whose cottage and garden stood not far from the junction of that hamlet with the road she followed. Fancy hastened onward, and in five minutes entered a gate, which shed upon her toes a flood of water-drops as she opened it. "Come in, chiel!" a voice exclaimed, before Fancy had knocked: a promptness that would have surprised her had she not known that Mrs. Endorfield was an exceedingly and exceptionally sharp woman in the use of her eyes and ears. Fancy went in and sat down. Elizabeth was paring potatoes for her husband's supper. Scrape, scrape, scrape; then a toss, and splash went a potato into a bucket of water. Now, as Fancy listlessly noted these proceedings of the dame, she began to reconsider an old subject that lay uppermost in her heart. Since the interview between her father and Dick, the days had been melancholy days for her. Geoffrey's firm opposition to the notion of Dick as a son-in- law was more than she had expected. She had frequently seen her lover since that time, it is true, and had loved him more for the opposition than she would have otherwise dreamt of doing--which was a happiness of a certain kind. Yet, though love is thus an end in itself, it must be believed to be the means to another end if it is to assume the rosy hues of an unalloyed pleasure. And such a belief Fancy and Dick were emphatically denied just now. Elizabeth Endorfield had a repute among women which was in its nature something between distinction and notoriety. It was founded on the following items of character. She was shrewd and penetrating; her house stood in a lonely place; she never went to church; she wore a red cloak; she always retained her bonnet indoors and she had a pointed chin. Thus far her attributes were distinctly Satanic; and those who looked no further called her, in plain terms, a witch. But she was not gaunt, nor ugly in the upper part of her face, nor particularly strange in manner; so that, when her more intimate acquaintances spoke of her the term was softened, and she became simply a Deep Body, who was as long-headed as she was high. It may be stated that Elizabeth belonged to a class of suspects who were gradually losing their mysterious characteristics under the administration of the young vicar; though, during the long reign of Mr. Grinham, the parish of Mellstock had proved extremely favourable to the growth of witches. While Fancy was revolving all this in her mind, and putting it to herself whether it was worth while to tell her troubles to Elizabeth, and ask her advice in getting out of them, the witch spoke. "You be down--proper down," she said suddenly, dropping another potato into the bucket. Fancy took no notice. "About your young man." Fancy reddened. Elizabeth seemed to be watching her thoughts. Really, one would almost think she must have the powers people ascribed to her. "Father not in the humour for't, hey?" Another potato was finished and flung in. "Ah, I know about it. Little birds tell me things that people don't dream of my knowing." Fancy was desperate about Dick, and here was a chance--O, such a wicked chance--of getting help; and what was goodness beside love! "I wish you'd tell me how to put him in the humour for it?" she said. "That I could soon do," said the witch quietly. "Really? O, do; anyhow--I don't care--so that it is done! How could I do it, Mrs. Endorfield?" "Nothing so mighty wonderful in it." "Well, but how?" "By witchery, of course!" said Elizabeth. "No!" said Fancy. "'Tis, I assure ye. Didn't you ever hear I was a witch?" "Well," hesitated Fancy, "I have heard you called so." "And you believed it?" "I can't say that I did exactly believe it, for 'tis very horrible and wicked; but, O, how I do wish it was possible for you to be one!" "So I am. And I'll tell you how to bewitch your father to let you marry Dick Dewy." "Will it hurt him, poor thing?" "Hurt who?" "Father." "No; the charm is worked by common sense, and the spell can only be broke by your acting stupidly." Fancy looked rather perplexed, and Elizabeth went on: "This fear of Lizz--whatever 'tis-- By great and small; She makes pretence to common sense, And that's all. "You must do it like this." The witch laid down her knife and potato, and then poured into Fancy's ear a long and detailed list of directions, glancing up from the corner of her eye into Fancy's face with an expression of sinister humour. Fancy's face brightened, clouded, rose and sank, as the narrative proceeded. "There," said Elizabeth at length, stooping for the knife and another potato, "do that, and you'll have him by-long and by-late, my dear." "And do it I will!" said Fancy. She then turned her attention to the external world once more. The rain continued as usual, but the wind had abated considerably during the discourse. Judging that it was now possible to keep an umbrella erect, she pulled her hood again over her bonnet, bade the witch good-bye, and went her way. CHAPTER IV: THE SPELL Mrs. Endorfield's advice was duly followed. "I be proper sorry that your daughter isn't so well as she might be," said a Mellstock man to Geoffrey one morning. "But is there anything in it?" said Geoffrey uneasily, as he shifted his hat to the right. "I can't understand the report. She didn't complain to me a bit when I saw her." "No appetite at all, they say." Geoffrey crossed to Mellstock and called at the school that afternoon. Fancy welcomed him as usual, and asked him to stay and take tea with her. "I be'n't much for tea, this time o' day," he said, but stayed. During the meal he watched her narrowly. And to his great consternation discovered the following unprecedented change in the healthy girl--that she cut herself only a diaphanous slice of bread-and-butter, and, laying it on her plate, passed the meal-time in breaking it into pieces, but eating no more than about one-tenth of the slice. Geoffrey hoped she would say something about Dick, and finish up by weeping, as she had done after the decision against him a few days subsequent to the interview in the garden. But nothing was said, and in due time Geoffrey departed again for Yalbury Wood. "'Tis to be hoped poor Miss Fancy will be able to keep on her school," said Geoffrey's man Enoch to Geoffrey the following week, as they were shovelling up ant-hills in the wood. Geoffrey stuck in the shovel, swept seven or eight ants from his sleeve, and killed another that was prowling round his ear, then looked perpendicularly into the earth as usual, waiting for Enoch to say more. "Well, why shouldn't she?" said the keeper at last. "The baker told me yesterday," continued Enoch, shaking out another emmet that had run merrily up his thigh, "that the bread he've left at that there school-house this last month would starve any mouse in the three creations; that 'twould so! And afterwards I had a pint o' small down at Morrs's, and there I heard more." "What might that ha' been?" "That she used to have a pound o' the best rolled butter a week, regular as clockwork, from Dairyman Viney's for herself, as well as just so much salted for the helping girl, and the 'ooman she calls in; but now the same quantity d'last her three weeks, and then 'tis thoughted she throws it away sour." "Finish doing the emmets, and carry the bag home-along." The keeper resumed his gun, tucked it under his arm, and went on without whistling to the dogs, who however followed, with a bearing meant to imply that they did not expect any such attentions when their master was reflecting. On Saturday morning a note came from Fancy. He was not to trouble about sending her the couple of rabbits, as was intended, because she feared she should not want them. Later in the day Geoffrey went to Casterbridge and called upon the butcher who served Fancy with fresh meat, which was put down to her father's account. "I've called to pay up our little bill, Neighbour Haylock, and you can gie me the chiel's account at the same time." Mr. Haylock turned round three quarters of a circle in the midst of a heap of joints, altered the expression of his face from meat to money, went into a little office consisting only of a door and a window, looked very vigorously into a book which possessed length but no breadth; and then, seizing a piece of paper and scribbling thereupon, handed the bill. Probably it was the first time in the history of commercial transactions that the quality of shortness in a butcher's bill was a cause of tribulation to the debtor. "Why, this isn't all she've had in a whole month!" said Geoffrey. "Every mossel," said the butcher--"(now, Dan, take that leg and shoulder to Mrs. White's, and this eleven pound here to Mr. Martin's)--you've been treating her to smaller joints lately, to my thinking, Mr. Day?" "Only two or three little scram rabbits this last week, as I am alive--I wish I had!" "Well, my wife said to me--(Dan! not too much, not too much on that tray at a time; better go twice)--my wife said to me as she posted up the books: she says, 'Miss Day must have been affronted this summer during that hot muggy weather that spolit so much for us; for depend upon't,' she says, 'she've been trying John Grimmett unknown to us: see her account else.' 'Tis little, of course, at the best of times, being only for one, but now 'tis next kin to nothing." "I'll inquire," said Geoffrey despondingly. He returned by way of Mellstock, and called upon Fancy, in fulfilment of a promise. It being Saturday, the children were enjoying a holiday, and on entering the residence Fancy was nowhere to be seen. Nan, the charwoman, was sweeping the kitchen. "Where's my da'ter?" said the keeper. "Well, you see she was tired with the week's teaching, and this morning she said, 'Nan, I sha'n't get up till the evening.' You see, Mr. Day, if people don't eat, they can't work; and as she've gie'd up eating, she must gie up working." "Have ye carried up any dinner to her?" "No; she don't want any. There, we all know that such things don't come without good reason--not that I wish to say anything about a broken heart, or anything of the kind." Geoffrey's own heart felt inconveniently large just then. He went to the staircase and ascended to his daughter's door. "Fancy!" "Come in, father." To see a person in bed from any cause whatever, on a fine afternoon, is depressing enough; and here was his only child Fancy, not only in bed, but looking very pale. Geoffrey was visibly disturbed. "Fancy, I didn't expect to see thee here, chiel," he said. "What's the matter?" "I'm not well, father." "How's that?" "Because I think of things." "What things can you have to think o' so mortal much?" "You know, father." "You think I've been cruel to thee in saying that that penniless Dick o' thine sha'n't marry thee, I suppose?" No answer. "Well, you know, Fancy, I do it for the best, and he isn't good enough for thee. You know that well enough." Here he again looked at her as she lay. "Well, Fancy, I can't let my only chiel die; and if you can't live without en, you must ha' en, I suppose." "O, I don't want him like that; all against your will, and everything so disobedient!" sighed the invalid. "No, no, 'tisn't against my will. My wish is, now I d'see how 'tis hurten thee to live without en, that he shall marry thee as soon as we've considered a little. That's my wish flat and plain, Fancy. There, never cry, my little maid! You ought to ha' cried afore; no need o' crying now 'tis all over. Well, howsoever, try to step over and see me and mother- law to-morrow, and ha' a bit of dinner wi' us." "And--Dick too?" "Ay, Dick too, 'far's I know." "And when do you think you'll have considered, father, and he may marry me?" she coaxed. "Well, there, say next Midsummer; that's not a day too long to wait." On leaving the school Geoffrey went to the tranter's. Old William opened the door. "Is your grandson Dick in 'ithin, William?" "No, not just now, Mr. Day. Though he've been at home a good deal lately." "O, how's that?" "What wi' one thing, and what wi' t'other, he's all in a mope, as might be said. Don't seem the feller he used to. Ay, 'a will sit studding and thinking as if 'a were going to turn chapel-member, and then do nothing but traypse and wamble about. Used to be such a chatty boy, too, Dick did; and now 'a don't speak at all. But won't ye step inside? Reuben will be home soon, 'a b'lieve." "No, thank you, I can't stay now. Will ye just ask Dick if he'll do me the kindness to step over to Yalbury to-morrow with my da'ter Fancy, if she's well enough? I don't like her to come by herself, now she's not so terrible topping in health." "So I've heard. Ay, sure, I'll tell him without fail." CHAPTER V: AFTER GAINING HER POINT The visit to Geoffrey passed off as delightfully as a visit might have been expected to pass off when it was the first day of smooth experience in a hitherto obstructed love-course. And then came a series of several happy days, of the same undisturbed serenity. Dick could court her when he chose; stay away when he chose,--which was never; walk with her by winding streams and waterfalls and autumn scenery till dews and twilight sent them home. And thus they drew near the day of the Harvest Thanksgiving, which was also the time chosen for opening the organ in Mellstock Church. It chanced that Dick on that very day was called away from Mellstock. A young acquaintance had died of consumption at Charmley, a neighbouring village, on the previous Monday, and Dick, in fulfilment of a long-standing promise, was to assist in carrying him to the grave. When on Tuesday, Dick went towards the school to acquaint Fancy with the fact, it is difficult to say whether his own disappointment at being denied the sight of her triumphant debut as organist, was greater than his vexation that his pet should on this great occasion be deprived of the pleasure of his presence. However, the intelligence was communicated. She bore it as she best could, not without many expressions of regret, and convictions that her performance would be nothing to her now. Just before eleven o'clock on Sunday he set out upon his sad errand. The funeral was to be immediately after the morning service, and as there were four good miles to walk, driving being inconvenient, it became necessary to start comparatively early. Half an hour later would certainly have answered his purpose quite as well, yet at the last moment nothing would content his ardent mind but that he must go a mile out of his way in the direction of the school, in the hope of getting a glimpse of his Love as she started for church. Striking, therefore, into the lane towards the school, instead of across the ewelease direct to Charmley, he arrived opposite her door as his goddess emerged. If ever a woman looked a divinity, Fancy Day appeared one that morning as she floated down those school steps, in the form of a nebulous collection of colours inclining to blue. With an audacity unparalleled in the whole history of village-school-mistresses at this date--partly owing, no doubt, to papa's respectable accumulation of cash, which rendered her profession not altogether one of necessity--she had actually donned a hat and feather, and lowered her hitherto plainly looped-up hair, which now fell about her shoulders in a profusion of curls. Poor Dick was astonished: he had never seen her look so distractingly beautiful before, save on Christmas-eve, when her hair was in the same luxuriant condition of freedom. But his first burst of delighted surprise was followed by less comfortable feelings, as soon as his brain recovered its power to think. Fancy had blushed;--was it with confusion? She had also involuntarily pressed back her curls. She had not expected him. "Fancy, you didn't know me for a moment in my funeral clothes, did you?" "Good-morning, Dick--no, really, I didn't know you for an instant in such a sad suit." He looked again at the gay tresses and hat. "You've never dressed so charming before, dearest." "I like to hear you praise me in that way, Dick," she said, smiling archly. "It is meat and drink to a woman. Do I look nice really?" "Fie! you know it. Did you remember,--I mean didn't you remember about my going away to-day?" "Well, yes, I did, Dick; but, you know, I wanted to look well;--forgive me." "Yes, darling; yes, of course,--there's nothing to forgive. No, I was only thinking that when we talked on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday and Friday about my absence to-day, and I was so sorry for it, you said, Fancy, so were you sorry, and almost cried, and said it would be no pleasure to you to be the attraction of the church to-day, since I could not be there." "My dear one, neither will it be so much pleasure to me . . . But I do take a little delight in my life, I suppose," she pouted. "Apart from mine?" She looked at him with perplexed eyes. "I know you are vexed with me, Dick, and it is because the first Sunday I have curls and a hat and feather since I have been here happens to be the very day you are away and won't be with me. Yes, say it is, for that is it! And you think that all this week I ought to have remembered you wouldn't be here to- day, and not have cared to be better dressed than usual. Yes, you do, Dick, and it is rather unkind!" "No, no," said Dick earnestly and simply, "I didn't think so badly of you as that. I only thought that--if you had been going away, I shouldn't have tried new attractions for the eyes of other people. But then of course you and I are different, naturally." "Well, perhaps we are." "Whatever will the vicar say, Fancy?" "I don't fear what he says in the least!" she answered proudly. "But he won't say anything of the sort you think. No, no." "He can hardly have conscience to, indeed." "Now come, you say, Dick, that you quite forgive me, for I must go," she said with sudden gaiety, and skipped backwards into the porch. "Come here, sir;--say you forgive me, and then you shall kiss me;--you never have yet when I have worn curls, you know. Yes, just where you want to so much,--yes, you may!" Dick followed her into the inner corner, where he was probably not slow in availing himself of the privilege offered. "Now that's a treat for you, isn't it?" she continued. "Good-bye, or I shall be late. Come and see me to-morrow: you'll be tired to-night." Thus they parted, and Fancy proceeded to the church. The organ stood on one side of the chancel, close to and under the immediate eye of the vicar when he was in the pulpit, and also in full view of the congregation. Here she sat down, for the first time in such a conspicuous position, her seat having previously been in a remote spot in the aisle. "Good heavens--disgraceful! Curls and a hat and feather!" said the daughters of the small gentry, who had either only curly hair without a hat and feather, or a hat and feather without curly hair. "A bonnet for church always," said sober matrons. That Mr. Maybold was conscious of her presence close beside him during the sermon; that he was not at all angry at her development of costume; that he admired her, she perceived. But she did not see that he loved her during that sermon-time as he had never loved a woman before; that her proximity was a strange delight to him; and that he gloried in her musical success that morning in a spirit quite beyond a mere cleric's glory at the inauguration of a new order of things. The old choir, with humbled hearts, no longer took their seats in the gallery as heretofore (which was now given up to the school-children who were not singers, and a pupil-teacher), but were scattered about with their wives in different parts of the church. Having nothing to do with conducting the service for almost the first time in their lives, they all felt awkward, out of place, abashed, and inconvenienced by their hands. The tranter had proposed that they should stay away to-day and go nutting, but grandfather William would not hear of such a thing for a moment. "No," he replied reproachfully, and quoted a verse: "Though this has come upon us, let not our hearts be turned back, or our steps go out of the way." So they stood and watched the curls of hair trailing down the back of the successful rival, and the waving of her feather, as she swayed her head. After a few timid notes and uncertain touches her playing became markedly correct, and towards the end full and free. But, whether from prejudice or unbiassed judgment, the venerable body of musicians could not help thinking that the simpler notes they had been wont to bring forth were more in keeping with the simplicity of their old church than the crowded chords and interludes it was her pleasure to produce. CHAPTER VI: INTO TEMPTATION The day was done, and Fancy was again in the school-house. About five o'clock it began to rain, and in rather a dull frame of mind she wandered into the schoolroom, for want of something better to do. She was thinking--of her lover Dick Dewy? Not precisely. Of how weary she was of living alone: how unbearable it would be to return to Yalbury under the rule of her strange-tempered step-mother; that it was far better to be married to anybody than do that; that eight or nine long months had yet to be lived through ere the wedding could take place. At the side of the room were high windows of Ham-hill stone, upon either sill of which she could sit by first mounting a desk and using it as a footstool. As the evening advanced here she perched herself, as was her custom on such wet and gloomy occasions, put on a light shawl and bonnet, opened the window, and looked out at the rain. The window overlooked a field called the Grove, and it was the position from which she used to survey the crown of Dick's passing hat in the early days of their acquaintance and meetings. Not a living soul was now visible anywhere; the rain kept all people indoors who were not forced abroad by necessity, and necessity was less importunate on Sundays than during the week. Sitting here and thinking again--of her lover, or of the sensation she had created at church that day?--well, it is unknown--thinking and thinking she saw a dark masculine figure arising into distinctness at the further end of the Grove--a man without an umbrella. Nearer and nearer he came, and she perceived that he was in deep mourning, and then that it was Dick. Yes, in the fondness and foolishness of his young heart, after walking four miles, in a drizzling rain without overcoat or umbrella, and in face of a remark from his love that he was not to come because he would be tired, he had made it his business to wander this mile out of his way again, from sheer wish of spending ten minutes in her presence. "O Dick, how wet you are!" she said, as he drew up under the window. "Why, your coat shines as if it had been varnished, and your hat--my goodness, there's a streaming hat!" "O, I don't mind, darling!" said Dick cheerfully. "Wet never hurts me, though I am rather sorry for my best clothes. However, it couldn't be helped; we lent all the umbrellas to the women. I don't know when I shall get mine back!" "And look, there's a nasty patch of something just on your shoulder." "Ah, that's japanning; it rubbed off the clamps of poor Jack's coffin when we lowered him from our shoulders upon the bier! I don't care about that, for 'twas the last deed I could do for him; and 'tis hard if you can't afford a coat for an old friend." Fancy put her hand to her mouth for half a minute. Underneath the palm of that little hand there existed for that half-minute a little yawn. "Dick, I don't like you to stand there in the wet. And you mustn't sit down. Go home and change your things. Don't stay another minute." "One kiss after coming so far," he pleaded. "If I can reach, then." He looked rather disappointed at not being invited round to the door. She twisted from her seated position and bent herself downwards, but not even by standing on the plinth was it possible for Dick to get his lips into contact with hers as she held them. By great exertion she might have reached a little lower; but then she would have exposed her head to the rain. "Never mind, Dick; kiss my hand," she said, flinging it down to him. "Now, good-bye." "Good-bye." He walked slowly away, turning and turning again to look at her till he was out of sight. During the retreat she said to herself, almost involuntarily, and still conscious of that morning's triumph--"I like Dick, and I love him; but how plain and sorry a man looks in the rain, with no umbrella, and wet through!" As he vanished, she made as if to descend from her seat; but glancing in the other direction she saw another form coming along the same track. It was also that of a man. He, too, was in black from top to toe; but he carried an umbrella. He drew nearer, and the direction of the rain caused him so to slant his umbrella that from her height above the ground his head was invisible, as she was also to him. He passed in due time directly beneath her, and in looking down upon the exterior of his umbrella her feminine eyes perceived it to be of superior silk--less common at that date than since--and of elegant make. He reached the entrance to the building, and Fancy suddenly lost sight of him. Instead of pursuing the roadway as Dick had done he had turned sharply round into her own porch. She jumped to the floor, hastily flung off her shawl and bonnet, smoothed and patted her hair till the curls hung in passable condition, and listened. No knock. Nearly a minute passed, and still there was no knock. Then there arose a soft series of raps, no louder than the tapping of a distant woodpecker, and barely distinct enough to reach her ears. She composed herself and flung open the door. In the porch stood Mr. Maybold. There was a warm flush upon his face, and a bright flash in his eyes, which made him look handsomer than she had ever seen him before. "Good-evening, Miss Day." "Good-evening, Mr. Maybold," she said, in a strange state of mind. She had noticed, beyond the ardent hue of his face, that his voice had a singular tremor in it, and that his hand shook like an aspen leaf when he laid his umbrella in the corner of the

powers

How many times the word 'powers' appears in the text?

Do you consider that sufficient, Lord Summerhays? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh quite, quite. PERCIVAL. _[to Hypatia]_ Lord Summerhays would probably like to hear you say that you are satisfied, Miss Tarleton. HYPATIA. _[coming out of the swing, and advancing between Percival and Lord Summerhays]_ I must say that you have behaved like a perfect gentleman, Mr. Percival. PERCIVAL. _[first bowing to Hypatia, and then turning with cold contempt to Gunner, who is standing helpless]_ We need not trouble you any further. _[Gunner turns vaguely towards the pavilion]._ JOHNNY _[with less refined offensiveness, pointing to the pavilion]_ Thats your way. The gardener will shew you the shortest way into the road. Go the shortest way. GUNNER. _[oppressed and disconcerted, hardly knows how to get out of the room]_ Yes, sir. I-- _[He turns again, appealing to Tarleton]_ Maynt I have my mother's photographs back again? _[Mrs Tarleton pricks up her ears]._ TARLETON. Eh? What? Oh, the photographs! Yes, yes, yes: take them. _[Gunner takes them from the table, and is creeping away, when Mrs Tarleton puts out her hand and stops him]._ MRS TARLETON. Whats this, John? What were you doing with his mother's photographs? TARLETON. Nothing, nothing. Never mind, Chickabiddy: it's all right. MRS TARLETON. _[snatching the photographs from Gunner's irresolute fingers, and recognizing them at a glance]_ Lucy Titmus! Oh John, John! TARLETON. _[grimly, to Gunner]_ Young man: youre a fool; but youve just put the lid on this job in a masterly manner. I knew you would. I told you all to let well alone. You wouldnt; and now you must take the consequences--or rather _I_ must take them. MRS TARLETON. _[to Gunner]_ Are you Lucy's son? GUNNER. Yes. MRS TARLETON. And why didnt you come to me? I didnt turn my back on your mother when she came to me in her trouble. Didnt you know that? GUNNER. No. She never talked to me about anything. TARLETON. How could she talk to her own son? Shy, Summerhays, shy. Parent and child. Shy. _[He sits down at the end of the writing table nearest the sideboard like a man resigned to anything that fate may have in store for him]._ MRS TARLETON. Then how did you find out? GUNNER. From her papers after she died. MRS TARLETON. _[shocked]_ Is Lucy dead? And I never knew! _[With an effusion of tenderness]_ And you here being treated like that, poor orphan, with nobody to take your part! Tear up that foolish paper, child; and sit down and make friends with me. JOHNNY. | Hallo, mother this is all very well, you know-- | PERCIVAL. | But may I point out, Mrs Tarleton, that-- | BENTLEY. | Do you mean that after what he said of-- | HYPATIA. | Oh, look here, mamma: this is really-- MRS TARLETON. Will you please speak one at a time? _Silence._ PERCIVAL _[in a very gentlemanly manner]_ Will you allow me to remind you, Mrs Tarleton, that this man has uttered a most serious and disgraceful falsehood concerning Miss Tarleton and myself? MRS TARLETON. I dont believe a word of it. If the poor lad was there in the Turkish bath, who has a better right to say what was going on here than he has? You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Patsy; and so ought you too, Mr Percival, for encouraging her. _[Hypatia retreats to the pavilion, and exchanges grimaces with Johnny, shamelessly enjoying Percival's sudden reverse. They know their mother]._ PERCIVAL. _[gasping]_ Mrs Tarleton: I give you my word of honor-- MRS TARLETON. Oh, go along with you and your word of honor. Do you think I'm a fool? I wonder you can look the lad in the face after bullying him and making him sign those wicked lies; and all the time you carrying on with my daughter before youd been half an hour in my house. Fie, for shame! PERCIVAL. Lord Summerhays: I appeal to you. Have I done the correct thing or not? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Youve done your best, Mr Percival. But the correct thing depends for its success on everybody playing the game very strictly. As a single-handed game, it's impossible. BENTLEY. _[suddenly breaking out lamentably]_ Joey: have you taken Hypatia away from me? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[severely]_ Bentley! Bentley! Control yourself, sir. TARLETON. Come, Mr Percival! the shutters are up on the gentlemanly business. Try the truth. PERCIVAL. I am in a wretched position. If I tell the truth nobody will believe me. TARLETON. Oh yes they will. The truth makes everybody believe it. PERCIVAL. It also makes everybody pretend not to believe it. Mrs Tarleton: youre not playing the game. MRS TARLETON. I dont think youve behaved at all nicely, Mr Percival. BENTLEY. I wouldnt have played you such a dirty trick, Joey. _[Struggling with a sob]_ You beast. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Bentley: you must control yourself. Let me say at the same time, Mr Percival, that my son seems to have been mistaken in regarding you either as his friend or as a gentleman. PERCIVAL. Miss Tarleton: I'm suffering this for your sake. I ask you just to say that I am not to blame. Just that and nothing more. HYPATIA. _[gloating mischievously over his distress]_ You chased me through the heather and kissed me. You shouldnt have done that if you were not in earnest. PERCIVAL. Oh, this is really the limit. _[Turning desperately to Gunner]_ Sir: I appeal to you. As a gentleman! as a man of honor! as a man bound to stand by another man! You were in that Turkish bath. You saw how it began. Could any man have behaved more correctly than I did? Is there a shadow of foundation for the accusations brought against me? GUNNER. _[sorely perplexed]_ Well, what do you want me to say? JOHNNY. He has said what he had to say already, hasnt he? Read that paper. GUNNER. When I tell the truth, you make me go back on it. And now you want me to go back on myself! What is a man to do? PERCIVAL. _[patiently]_ Please try to get your mind clear, Mr Brown. I pointed out to you that you could not, as a gentleman, disparage a lady's character. You agree with me, I hope. GUNNER. Yes: that sounds all right. PERCIVAL. But youre also bound to tell the truth. Surely youll not deny that. GUNNER. Who's denying it? I say nothing against it. PERCIVAL. Of course not. Well, I ask you to tell the truth simply and unaffectedly. Did you witness any improper conduct on my part when you were in the bath? GUNNER. No, sir. JOHNNY. | Then what do you mean by saying that-- | HYPATIA. | Do you mean to say that I-- | BENTLEY. | Oh, you are a rotter. Youre afraid-- TARLETON. _[rising]_ Stop. _[Silence]._ Leave it at that. Enough said. You keep quiet, Johnny. Mr Percival: youre whitewashed. So are you, Patsy. Honors are easy. Lets drop the subject. The next thing to do is to open a subscription to start this young man on a ranch in some far country thats accustomed to be in a disturbed state. He-- MRS TARLETON. Now stop joking the poor lad, John: I wont have it. Has been worried to death between you all. _[To Gunner]_ Have you had your tea? GUNNER. Tea? No: it's too early. I'm all right; only I had no dinner: I didnt think I'd want it. I didnt think I'd be alive. MRS TARLETON. Oh, what a thing to say! You mustnt talk like that. JOHNNY. Hes out of his mind. He thinks it's past dinner-time. MRS TARLETON. Oh, youve no sense, Johnny. He calls his lunch his dinner, and has his tea at half-past six. Havnt you, dear? GUNNER. _[timidly]_ Hasnt everybody? JOHNNY. _[laughing]_ Well, by George, thats not bad. MRS TARLETON. Now dont be rude, Johnny: you know I dont like it. _[To Gunner]_ A cup of tea will pick you up. GUNNER. I'd rather not. I'm all right. TARLETON. _[going to the sideboard]_ Here! try a mouthful of sloe gin. GUNNER. No, thanks. I'm a teetotaler. I cant touch alcohol in any form. TARLETON. Nonsense! This isnt alcohol. Sloe gin. Vegetarian, you know. GUNNER. _[hesitating]_ Is it a fruit beverage? TARLETON. Of course it is. Fruit beverage. Here you are. _[He gives him a glass of sloe gin]._ GUNNER. _[going to the sideboard]_ Thanks. _[he begins to drink it confidently; but the first mouthful startles and almost chokes him]._ It's rather hot. TARLETON. Do you good. Dont be afraid of it. MRS TARLETON. _[going to him]_ Sip it, dear. Dont be in a hurry. _Gunner sips slowly, each sip making his eyes water._ JOHNNY. _[coming forward into the place left vacant by Gunner's visit to the sideboard]_ Well, now that the gentleman has been attended to, I should like to know where we are. It may be a vulgar business habit; but I confess I like to know where I am. TARLETON. I dont. Wherever you are, youre there anyhow. I tell you again, leave it at that. BENTLEY. I want to know too. Hypatia's engaged to me. HYPATIA. Bentley: if you insult me again--if you say another word, I'll leave the house and not enter it until you leave it. JOHNNY. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, my boy. BENTLEY. _[inarticulate with fury and suppressed tears]_ Oh! Beasts! Brutes! MRS TARLETON. Now dont hurt his feelings, poor little lamb! LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[very sternly]_ Bentley: you are not behaving well. You had better leave us until you have recovered yourself. _Bentley goes out in disgrace, but gets no further than half way to the pavilion door, when, with a wild sob, he throws himself on the floor and begins to yell._ MRS TARLETON. | _[running to him]_ Oh, poor child, | poor child! Dont cry, duckie: | he didnt mean it: dont cry. | LORD SUMMERHAYS| Stop that infernal noise, sir: do you | hear? Stop it instantly. | JOHNNY. | Thats the game he tried on me. | There you are! Now, mother! | Now, Patsy! You see for yourselves. | HYPATIA. | _[covering her ears]_ Oh you little | wretch! Stop him, Mr Percival. Kick him. | TARLETON. | Steady on, steady on. Easy, Bunny, easy. LINA. Leave him to me, Mrs Tarleton. Stand clear, please. _She kneels opposite Bentley; quickly lifts the upper half of him from the ground; dives under him; rises with his body hanging across her shoulders; and runs out with him._ BENTLEY. _[in scared, sobered, humble tones as he is borne off]_ What are you doing? Let me down. Please, Miss Szczepanowska-- _[they pass out of hearing]._ _An awestruck silence falls on the company as they speculate on Bentley's fate._ JOHNNY. I wonder what shes going to do with him. HYPATIA. Spank him, I hope. Spank him hard. LORD SUMMERHAYS. I hope so. I hope so. Tarleton: I'm beyond measure humiliated and annoyed by my son's behavior in your house. I had better take him home. TARLETON. Not at all: not at all. Now, Chickabiddy: as Miss Lina has taken away Ben, suppose you take away Mr Brown for a while. GUNNER. _[with unexpected aggressiveness]_ My name isnt Brown. _[They stare at him: he meets their stare defiantly, pugnacious with sloe gin; drains the last drop from his glass; throws it on the sideboard; and advances to the writing table]._ My name's Baker: Julius Baker. Mister Baker. If any man doubts it, I'm ready for him. MRS TARLETON. John: you shouldnt have given him that sloe gin. It's gone to his head. GUNNER. Dont you think it. Fruit beverages dont go to the head; and what matter if they did? I say nothing to you, maam: I regard you with respect and affection. _[Lachrymosely]_ You were very good to my mother: my poor mother! _[Relapsing into his daring mood]_ But I say my name's Baker; and I'm not to be treated as a child or made a slave of by any man. Baker is my name. Did you think I was going to give you my real name? Not likely. Not me. TARLETON. So you thought of John Brown. That was clever of you. GUNNER. Clever! Yes: we're not all such fools as you think: we clerks. It was the bookkeeper put me up to that. It's the only name that nobody gives as a false name, he said. Clever, eh? I should think so. MRS TARLETON. Come now, Julius-- GUNNER. _[reassuring her gravely]_ Dont you be alarmed, maam. I know what is due to you as a lady and to myself as a gentleman. I regard you with respect and affection. If you had been my mother, as you ought to have been, I should have had more chance. But you shall have no cause to be ashamed of me. The strength of a chain is no greater than its weakest link; but the greatness of a poet is the greatness of his greatest moment. Shakespear used to get drunk. Frederick the Great ran away from a battle. But it was what they could rise to, not what they could sink to, that made them great. They werent good always; but they were good on their day. Well, on my day--on my day, mind you--I'm good for something too. I know that Ive made a silly exhibition of myself here. I know I didnt rise to the occasion. I know that if youd been my mother, youd have been ashamed of me. I lost my presence of mind: I was a contemptible coward. But _[slapping himself on the chest]_ I'm not the man I was then. This is my day. Ive seen the tenth possessor of a foolish face carried out kicking and screaming by a woman. _[To Percival]_ You crowed pretty big over me. You hypnotized me. But when you were put through the fire yourself, you were found wanting. I tell you straight I dont give a damn for you. MRS TARLETON. No: thats naughty. You shouldnt say that before me. GUNNER. I would cut my tongue out sooner than say anything vulgar in your presence; for I regard you with respect and affection. I was not swearing. I was affirming my manhood. MRS TARLETON. What an idea! What puts all these things into your head? GUNNER. Oh, dont you think, because I'm a clerk, that I'm not one of the intellectuals. I'm a reading man, a thinking man. I read in a book--a high class six shilling book--this precept: Affirm your manhood. It appealed to me. Ive always remembered it. I believe in it. I feel I must do it to recover your respect after my cowardly behavior. Therefore I affirm it in your presence. I tell that man who insulted me that I dont give a damn for him. And neither I do. TARLETON. I say, Summerhays: did you have chaps of this sort in Jinghiskahn? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh yes: they exist everywhere: they are a most serious modern problem. GUNNER. Yes. Youre right. _[Conceitedly]_ I'm a problem. And I tell you that when we clerks realize that we're problems! well, look out: thats all. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[suavely, to Gunner]_ You read a great deal, you say? GUNNER. Ive read more than any man in this room, if the truth were known, I expect. Thats whats going to smash up your Capitalism. The problems are beginning to read. Ha! We're free to do that here in England. What would you do with me in Jinghiskahn if you had me there? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Well, since you ask me so directly, I'll tell you. I should take advantage of the fact that you have neither sense enough nor strength enough to know how to behave yourself in a difficulty of any sort. I should warn an intelligent and ambitious policeman that you are a troublesome person. The intelligent and ambitious policeman would take an early opportunity of upsetting your temper by ordering you to move on, and treading on your heels until you were provoked into obstructing an officer in the discharge of his duty. Any trifle of that sort would be sufficient to make a man like you lose your self-possession and put yourself in the wrong. You would then be charged and imprisoned until things quieted down. GUNNER. And you call that justice! LORD SUMMERHAYS. No. Justice was not my business. I had to govern a province; and I took the necessary steps to maintain order in it. Men are not governed by justice, but by law or persuasion. When they refuse to be governed by law or persuasion, they have to be governed by force or fraud, or both. I used both when law and persuasion failed me. Every ruler of men since the world began has done so, even when he has hated both fraud and force as heartily as I do. It is as well that you should know this, my young friend; so that you may recognize in time that anarchism is a game at which the police can beat you. What have you to say to that? GUNNER. What have I to say to it! Well, I call it scandalous: thats what I have to say to it. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Precisely: thats all anybody has to say to it, except the British public, which pretends not to believe it. And now let me ask you a sympathetic personal question. Havnt you a headache? GUNNER. Well, since you ask me, I have. Ive overexcited myself. MRS TARLETON. Poor lad! No wonder, after all youve gone through! You want to eat a little and to lie down. You come with me. I want you to tell me about your poor dear mother and about yourself. Come along with me. _[She leads the way to the inner door]._ GUNNER. _[following her obediently]_ Thank you kindly, madam. _[She goes out. Before passing out after her, he partly closes the door and stops an the landing for a moment to say]_ Mind: I'm not knuckling down to any man here. I knuckle down to Mrs Tarleton because shes a woman in a thousand. I affirm my manhood all the same. Understand: I dont give a damn for the lot of you. _[He hurries out, rather afraid of the consequences of this defiance, which has provoked Johnny to an impatient movement towards him]._ HYPATIA. Thank goodness hes gone! Oh, what a bore! WHAT a bore!!! Talk, talk, talk! TARLETON. Patsy: it's no good. We're going to talk. And we're going to talk about you. JOHNNY. It's no use shirking it, Pat. We'd better know where we are. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Come, Miss Tarleton. Wont you sit down? I'm very tired of standing. _[Hypatia comes from the pavilion and takes a chair at the worktable. Lord Summerhays takes the opposite chair, on her right. Percival takes the chair Johnny placed for Lina on her arrival. Tarleton sits down at the end of the writing table. Johnny remains standing. Lord Summerhays continues, with a sigh of relief at being seated.]_ We shall now get the change of subject we are all pining for. JOHNNY. _[puzzled]_ Whats that? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The great question. The question that men and women will spend hours over without complaining. The question that occupies all the novel readers and all the playgoers. The question they never get tired of. JOHNNY. But what question? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question which particular young man some young woman will mate with. PERCIVAL. As if it mattered! HYPATIA. _[sharply]_ Whats that you said? PERCIVAL. I said: As if it mattered. HYPATIA. I call that ungentlemanly. PERCIVAL. Do you care about that? you who are so magnificently unladylike! JOHNNY. Look here, Mr Percival: youre not supposed to insult my sister. HYPATIA. Oh, shut up, Johnny. I can take care of myself. Dont you interfere. JOHNNY. Oh, very well. If you choose to give yourself away like that--to allow a man to call you unladylike and then to be unladylike, Ive nothing more to say. HYPATIA. I think Mr Percival is most ungentlemanly; but I wont be protected. I'll not have my affairs interfered with by men on pretence of protecting me. I'm not your baby. If I interfered between you and a woman, you would soon tell me to mind my own business. TARLETON. Children: dont squabble. Read Dr Watts. Behave yourselves. JOHNNY. Ive nothing more to say; and as I dont seem to be wanted here, I shall take myself off. _[He goes out with affected calm through the pavilion]._ TARLETON. Summerhays: a family is an awful thing, an impossible thing. Cat and dog. Patsy: I'm ashamed of you. HYPATIA. I'll make it up with Johnny afterwards; but I really cant have him here sticking his clumsy hoof into my affairs. LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question is, Mr Percival, are you really a gentleman, or are you not? PERCIVAL. Was Napoleon really a gentleman or was he not? He made the lady get out of the way of the porter and said, "Respect the burden, madam." That was behaving like a very fine gentleman; but he kicked Volney for saying that what France wanted was the Bourbons back again. That was behaving rather like a navvy. Now I, like Napoleon, am not all one piece. On occasion, as you have all seen, I can behave like a gentleman. On occasion, I can behave with a brutal simplicity which Miss Tarleton herself could hardly surpass. TARLETON. Gentleman or no gentleman, Patsy: what are your intentions? HYPATIA. My intentions! Surely it's the gentleman who should be asked his intentions. TARLETON. Come now, Patsy! none of that nonsense. Has Mr Percival said anything to you that I ought to know or that Bentley ought to know? Have you said anything to Mr Percival? HYPATIA. Mr Percival chased me through the heather and kissed me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. As a gentleman, Mr Percival, what do you say to that? PERCIVAL. As a gentleman, I do not kiss and tell. As a mere man: a mere cad, if you like, I say that I did so at Miss Tarleton's own suggestion. HYPATIA. Beast! PERCIVAL. I dont deny that I enjoyed it. But I did not initiate it. And I began by running away. TARLETON. So Patsy can run faster than you, can she? PERCIVAL. Yes, when she is in pursuit of me. She runs faster and faster. I run slower and slower. And these woods of yours are full of magic. There was a confounded fern owl. Did you ever hear the churr of a fern owl? Did you ever hear it create a sudden silence by ceasing? Did you ever hear it call its mate by striking its wings together twice and whistling that single note that no nightingale can imitate? That is what happened in the woods when I was running away. So I turned; and the pursuer became the pursued. HYPATIA. I had to fight like a wild cat. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Please dont tell us this. It's not fit for old people to hear. TARLETON. Come: how did it end? HYPATIA. It's not ended yet. TARLETON. How is it going to end? HYPATIA. Ask him. TARLETON. How is it going to end, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. I cant afford to marry, Mr Tarleton. Ive only a thousand a year until my father dies. Two people cant possibly live on that. TARLETON. Oh, cant they? When _I_ married, I should have been jolly glad to have felt sure of the quarter of it. PERCIVAL. No doubt; but I am not a cheap person, Mr Tarleton. I was brought up in a household which cost at least seven or eight times that; and I am in constant money difficulties because I simply dont know how to live on the thousand a year scale. As to ask a woman to share my degrading poverty, it's out of the question. Besides, I'm rather young to marry. I'm only 28. HYPATIA. Papa: buy the brute for me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[shrinking]_ My dear Miss Tarleton: dont be so naughty. I know how delightful it is to shock an old man; but there is a point at which it becomes barbarous. Dont. Please dont. HYPATIA. Shall I tell Papa about you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Tarleton: I had better tell you that I once asked your daughter to become my widow. TARLETON. _[to Hypatia]_ Why didnt you accept him, you young idiot? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I was too old. TARLETON. All this has been going on under my nose, I suppose. You run after young men; and old men run after you. And I'm the last person in the world to hear of it. HYPATIA. How could I tell you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Parents and children, Tarleton. TARLETON. Oh, the gulf that lies between them! the impassable, eternal gulf! And so I'm to buy the brute for you, eh? HYPATIA. If you please, papa. TARLETON. Whats the price, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. We might do with another fifteen hundred if my father would contribute. But I should like more. TARLETON. It's purely a question of money with you, is it? PERCIVAL. _[after a moment's consideration]_ Practically yes: it turns on that. TARLETON. I thought you might have some sort of preference for Patsy, you know. PERCIVAL. Well, but does that matter, do you think? Patsy fascinates me, no doubt. I apparently fascinate Patsy. But, believe me, all that is not worth considering. One of my three fathers (the priest) has married hundreds of couples: couples selected by one another, couples selected by the parents, couples forced to marry one another by circumstances of one kind or another; and he assures me that if marriages were made by putting all the men's names into one sack and the women's names into another, and having them taken out by a blindfolded child like lottery numbers, there would be just as high a percentage of happy marriages as we have here in England. He said Cupid was nothing but the blindfolded child: pretty idea that, I think! I shall have as good a chance with Patsy as with anyone else. Mind: I'm not bigoted about it. I'm not a doctrinaire: not the slave of a theory. You and Lord Summerhays are experienced married men. If you can tell me of any trustworthy method of selecting a wife, I shall be happy to make use of it. I await your suggestions. _[He looks with polite attention to Lord Summerhays, who, having nothing to say, avoids his eye. He looks to Tarleton, who purses his lips glumly and rattles his money in his pockets without a word]._ Apparently neither of you has anything to suggest. Then Patsy will do as well as another, provided the money is forthcoming. HYPATIA. Oh, you beauty, you beauty! TARLETON. When I married Patsy's mother, I was in love with her. PERCIVAL. For the first time? TARLETON. Yes: for the first time. PERCIVAL. For the last time? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[revolted]_ Sir: you are in the presence of his daughter. HYPATIA. Oh, dont mind me. I dont care. I'm accustomed to Papa's adventures. TARLETON. _[blushing painfully]_ Patsy, my child: that was not--not delicate. HYPATIA. Well, papa, youve never shewn any delicacy in talking to me about my conduct; and I really dont see why I shouldnt talk to you about yours. It's such nonsense! Do you think young people dont know? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I'm sure they dont feel. Tarleton: this is too horrible, too brutal. If neither of these young people have any--any--any-- PERCIVAL. Shall we say paternal sentimentality? I'm extremely sorry to shock you; but you must remember that Ive been educated to discuss human affairs with three fathers simultaneously. I'm an adult person. Patsy is an adult person. You do not inspire me with veneration. Apparently you do not inspire Patsy with veneration. That may surprise you. It may pain you. I'm sorry. It cant be helped. What about the money? TARLETON. You dont inspire me with generosity, young man. HYPATIA. _[laughing with genuine amusement]_ He had you there, Joey. TARLETON. I havnt been a bad father to you, Patsy. HYPATIA. I dont say you have, dear. If only I could persuade you Ive grown up, we should get along perfectly. TARLETON. Do you remember Bill Burt? HYPATIA. Why? TARLETON. _[to the others]_ Bill Burt was a laborer here. I was going to sack him for kicking his father. He said his father had kicked him until he was big enough to kick back. Patsy begged him off. I asked that man what it felt like the first time he kicked his father, and found that it was just like kicking any other man. He laughed and said that it was the old man that knew what it felt like. Think of that, Summerhays! think of that! HYPATIA. I havnt kicked you, papa. TARLETON. Youve kicked me harder than Bill Burt ever kicked. LORD SUMMERHAYS. It's no use, Tarleton. Spare yourself. Do you seriously expect these young people, at their age, to sympathize with what this gentleman calls your paternal sentimentality? TARLETON. _[wistfully]_ Is it nothing to you but paternal sentimentality, Patsy? HYPATIA. Well, I greatly prefer your superabundant vitality, papa. TARLETON. _[violently]_ Hold your tongue, you young devil. The young are all alike: hard, coarse, shallow, cruel, selfish, dirty-minded. You can clear out of my house as soon as you can coax him to take you; and the sooner the better. _[To Percival]_ I think you said your price was fifteen hundred a year. Take it. And I wish you joy of your bargain. PERCIVAL. If you wish to know who I am-- TARLETON. I dont care a tinker's curse who you are or what you are. Youre willing to take that girl off my hands for fifteen hundred a year: thats all that concerns me. Tell her who you are if you like: it's her affair,

ultimately

How many times the word 'ultimately' appears in the text?

Do you consider that sufficient, Lord Summerhays? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh quite, quite. PERCIVAL. _[to Hypatia]_ Lord Summerhays would probably like to hear you say that you are satisfied, Miss Tarleton. HYPATIA. _[coming out of the swing, and advancing between Percival and Lord Summerhays]_ I must say that you have behaved like a perfect gentleman, Mr. Percival. PERCIVAL. _[first bowing to Hypatia, and then turning with cold contempt to Gunner, who is standing helpless]_ We need not trouble you any further. _[Gunner turns vaguely towards the pavilion]._ JOHNNY _[with less refined offensiveness, pointing to the pavilion]_ Thats your way. The gardener will shew you the shortest way into the road. Go the shortest way. GUNNER. _[oppressed and disconcerted, hardly knows how to get out of the room]_ Yes, sir. I-- _[He turns again, appealing to Tarleton]_ Maynt I have my mother's photographs back again? _[Mrs Tarleton pricks up her ears]._ TARLETON. Eh? What? Oh, the photographs! Yes, yes, yes: take them. _[Gunner takes them from the table, and is creeping away, when Mrs Tarleton puts out her hand and stops him]._ MRS TARLETON. Whats this, John? What were you doing with his mother's photographs? TARLETON. Nothing, nothing. Never mind, Chickabiddy: it's all right. MRS TARLETON. _[snatching the photographs from Gunner's irresolute fingers, and recognizing them at a glance]_ Lucy Titmus! Oh John, John! TARLETON. _[grimly, to Gunner]_ Young man: youre a fool; but youve just put the lid on this job in a masterly manner. I knew you would. I told you all to let well alone. You wouldnt; and now you must take the consequences--or rather _I_ must take them. MRS TARLETON. _[to Gunner]_ Are you Lucy's son? GUNNER. Yes. MRS TARLETON. And why didnt you come to me? I didnt turn my back on your mother when she came to me in her trouble. Didnt you know that? GUNNER. No. She never talked to me about anything. TARLETON. How could she talk to her own son? Shy, Summerhays, shy. Parent and child. Shy. _[He sits down at the end of the writing table nearest the sideboard like a man resigned to anything that fate may have in store for him]._ MRS TARLETON. Then how did you find out? GUNNER. From her papers after she died. MRS TARLETON. _[shocked]_ Is Lucy dead? And I never knew! _[With an effusion of tenderness]_ And you here being treated like that, poor orphan, with nobody to take your part! Tear up that foolish paper, child; and sit down and make friends with me. JOHNNY. | Hallo, mother this is all very well, you know-- | PERCIVAL. | But may I point out, Mrs Tarleton, that-- | BENTLEY. | Do you mean that after what he said of-- | HYPATIA. | Oh, look here, mamma: this is really-- MRS TARLETON. Will you please speak one at a time? _Silence._ PERCIVAL _[in a very gentlemanly manner]_ Will you allow me to remind you, Mrs Tarleton, that this man has uttered a most serious and disgraceful falsehood concerning Miss Tarleton and myself? MRS TARLETON. I dont believe a word of it. If the poor lad was there in the Turkish bath, who has a better right to say what was going on here than he has? You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Patsy; and so ought you too, Mr Percival, for encouraging her. _[Hypatia retreats to the pavilion, and exchanges grimaces with Johnny, shamelessly enjoying Percival's sudden reverse. They know their mother]._ PERCIVAL. _[gasping]_ Mrs Tarleton: I give you my word of honor-- MRS TARLETON. Oh, go along with you and your word of honor. Do you think I'm a fool? I wonder you can look the lad in the face after bullying him and making him sign those wicked lies; and all the time you carrying on with my daughter before youd been half an hour in my house. Fie, for shame! PERCIVAL. Lord Summerhays: I appeal to you. Have I done the correct thing or not? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Youve done your best, Mr Percival. But the correct thing depends for its success on everybody playing the game very strictly. As a single-handed game, it's impossible. BENTLEY. _[suddenly breaking out lamentably]_ Joey: have you taken Hypatia away from me? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[severely]_ Bentley! Bentley! Control yourself, sir. TARLETON. Come, Mr Percival! the shutters are up on the gentlemanly business. Try the truth. PERCIVAL. I am in a wretched position. If I tell the truth nobody will believe me. TARLETON. Oh yes they will. The truth makes everybody believe it. PERCIVAL. It also makes everybody pretend not to believe it. Mrs Tarleton: youre not playing the game. MRS TARLETON. I dont think youve behaved at all nicely, Mr Percival. BENTLEY. I wouldnt have played you such a dirty trick, Joey. _[Struggling with a sob]_ You beast. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Bentley: you must control yourself. Let me say at the same time, Mr Percival, that my son seems to have been mistaken in regarding you either as his friend or as a gentleman. PERCIVAL. Miss Tarleton: I'm suffering this for your sake. I ask you just to say that I am not to blame. Just that and nothing more. HYPATIA. _[gloating mischievously over his distress]_ You chased me through the heather and kissed me. You shouldnt have done that if you were not in earnest. PERCIVAL. Oh, this is really the limit. _[Turning desperately to Gunner]_ Sir: I appeal to you. As a gentleman! as a man of honor! as a man bound to stand by another man! You were in that Turkish bath. You saw how it began. Could any man have behaved more correctly than I did? Is there a shadow of foundation for the accusations brought against me? GUNNER. _[sorely perplexed]_ Well, what do you want me to say? JOHNNY. He has said what he had to say already, hasnt he? Read that paper. GUNNER. When I tell the truth, you make me go back on it. And now you want me to go back on myself! What is a man to do? PERCIVAL. _[patiently]_ Please try to get your mind clear, Mr Brown. I pointed out to you that you could not, as a gentleman, disparage a lady's character. You agree with me, I hope. GUNNER. Yes: that sounds all right. PERCIVAL. But youre also bound to tell the truth. Surely youll not deny that. GUNNER. Who's denying it? I say nothing against it. PERCIVAL. Of course not. Well, I ask you to tell the truth simply and unaffectedly. Did you witness any improper conduct on my part when you were in the bath? GUNNER. No, sir. JOHNNY. | Then what do you mean by saying that-- | HYPATIA. | Do you mean to say that I-- | BENTLEY. | Oh, you are a rotter. Youre afraid-- TARLETON. _[rising]_ Stop. _[Silence]._ Leave it at that. Enough said. You keep quiet, Johnny. Mr Percival: youre whitewashed. So are you, Patsy. Honors are easy. Lets drop the subject. The next thing to do is to open a subscription to start this young man on a ranch in some far country thats accustomed to be in a disturbed state. He-- MRS TARLETON. Now stop joking the poor lad, John: I wont have it. Has been worried to death between you all. _[To Gunner]_ Have you had your tea? GUNNER. Tea? No: it's too early. I'm all right; only I had no dinner: I didnt think I'd want it. I didnt think I'd be alive. MRS TARLETON. Oh, what a thing to say! You mustnt talk like that. JOHNNY. Hes out of his mind. He thinks it's past dinner-time. MRS TARLETON. Oh, youve no sense, Johnny. He calls his lunch his dinner, and has his tea at half-past six. Havnt you, dear? GUNNER. _[timidly]_ Hasnt everybody? JOHNNY. _[laughing]_ Well, by George, thats not bad. MRS TARLETON. Now dont be rude, Johnny: you know I dont like it. _[To Gunner]_ A cup of tea will pick you up. GUNNER. I'd rather not. I'm all right. TARLETON. _[going to the sideboard]_ Here! try a mouthful of sloe gin. GUNNER. No, thanks. I'm a teetotaler. I cant touch alcohol in any form. TARLETON. Nonsense! This isnt alcohol. Sloe gin. Vegetarian, you know. GUNNER. _[hesitating]_ Is it a fruit beverage? TARLETON. Of course it is. Fruit beverage. Here you are. _[He gives him a glass of sloe gin]._ GUNNER. _[going to the sideboard]_ Thanks. _[he begins to drink it confidently; but the first mouthful startles and almost chokes him]._ It's rather hot. TARLETON. Do you good. Dont be afraid of it. MRS TARLETON. _[going to him]_ Sip it, dear. Dont be in a hurry. _Gunner sips slowly, each sip making his eyes water._ JOHNNY. _[coming forward into the place left vacant by Gunner's visit to the sideboard]_ Well, now that the gentleman has been attended to, I should like to know where we are. It may be a vulgar business habit; but I confess I like to know where I am. TARLETON. I dont. Wherever you are, youre there anyhow. I tell you again, leave it at that. BENTLEY. I want to know too. Hypatia's engaged to me. HYPATIA. Bentley: if you insult me again--if you say another word, I'll leave the house and not enter it until you leave it. JOHNNY. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, my boy. BENTLEY. _[inarticulate with fury and suppressed tears]_ Oh! Beasts! Brutes! MRS TARLETON. Now dont hurt his feelings, poor little lamb! LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[very sternly]_ Bentley: you are not behaving well. You had better leave us until you have recovered yourself. _Bentley goes out in disgrace, but gets no further than half way to the pavilion door, when, with a wild sob, he throws himself on the floor and begins to yell._ MRS TARLETON. | _[running to him]_ Oh, poor child, | poor child! Dont cry, duckie: | he didnt mean it: dont cry. | LORD SUMMERHAYS| Stop that infernal noise, sir: do you | hear? Stop it instantly. | JOHNNY. | Thats the game he tried on me. | There you are! Now, mother! | Now, Patsy! You see for yourselves. | HYPATIA. | _[covering her ears]_ Oh you little | wretch! Stop him, Mr Percival. Kick him. | TARLETON. | Steady on, steady on. Easy, Bunny, easy. LINA. Leave him to me, Mrs Tarleton. Stand clear, please. _She kneels opposite Bentley; quickly lifts the upper half of him from the ground; dives under him; rises with his body hanging across her shoulders; and runs out with him._ BENTLEY. _[in scared, sobered, humble tones as he is borne off]_ What are you doing? Let me down. Please, Miss Szczepanowska-- _[they pass out of hearing]._ _An awestruck silence falls on the company as they speculate on Bentley's fate._ JOHNNY. I wonder what shes going to do with him. HYPATIA. Spank him, I hope. Spank him hard. LORD SUMMERHAYS. I hope so. I hope so. Tarleton: I'm beyond measure humiliated and annoyed by my son's behavior in your house. I had better take him home. TARLETON. Not at all: not at all. Now, Chickabiddy: as Miss Lina has taken away Ben, suppose you take away Mr Brown for a while. GUNNER. _[with unexpected aggressiveness]_ My name isnt Brown. _[They stare at him: he meets their stare defiantly, pugnacious with sloe gin; drains the last drop from his glass; throws it on the sideboard; and advances to the writing table]._ My name's Baker: Julius Baker. Mister Baker. If any man doubts it, I'm ready for him. MRS TARLETON. John: you shouldnt have given him that sloe gin. It's gone to his head. GUNNER. Dont you think it. Fruit beverages dont go to the head; and what matter if they did? I say nothing to you, maam: I regard you with respect and affection. _[Lachrymosely]_ You were very good to my mother: my poor mother! _[Relapsing into his daring mood]_ But I say my name's Baker; and I'm not to be treated as a child or made a slave of by any man. Baker is my name. Did you think I was going to give you my real name? Not likely. Not me. TARLETON. So you thought of John Brown. That was clever of you. GUNNER. Clever! Yes: we're not all such fools as you think: we clerks. It was the bookkeeper put me up to that. It's the only name that nobody gives as a false name, he said. Clever, eh? I should think so. MRS TARLETON. Come now, Julius-- GUNNER. _[reassuring her gravely]_ Dont you be alarmed, maam. I know what is due to you as a lady and to myself as a gentleman. I regard you with respect and affection. If you had been my mother, as you ought to have been, I should have had more chance. But you shall have no cause to be ashamed of me. The strength of a chain is no greater than its weakest link; but the greatness of a poet is the greatness of his greatest moment. Shakespear used to get drunk. Frederick the Great ran away from a battle. But it was what they could rise to, not what they could sink to, that made them great. They werent good always; but they were good on their day. Well, on my day--on my day, mind you--I'm good for something too. I know that Ive made a silly exhibition of myself here. I know I didnt rise to the occasion. I know that if youd been my mother, youd have been ashamed of me. I lost my presence of mind: I was a contemptible coward. But _[slapping himself on the chest]_ I'm not the man I was then. This is my day. Ive seen the tenth possessor of a foolish face carried out kicking and screaming by a woman. _[To Percival]_ You crowed pretty big over me. You hypnotized me. But when you were put through the fire yourself, you were found wanting. I tell you straight I dont give a damn for you. MRS TARLETON. No: thats naughty. You shouldnt say that before me. GUNNER. I would cut my tongue out sooner than say anything vulgar in your presence; for I regard you with respect and affection. I was not swearing. I was affirming my manhood. MRS TARLETON. What an idea! What puts all these things into your head? GUNNER. Oh, dont you think, because I'm a clerk, that I'm not one of the intellectuals. I'm a reading man, a thinking man. I read in a book--a high class six shilling book--this precept: Affirm your manhood. It appealed to me. Ive always remembered it. I believe in it. I feel I must do it to recover your respect after my cowardly behavior. Therefore I affirm it in your presence. I tell that man who insulted me that I dont give a damn for him. And neither I do. TARLETON. I say, Summerhays: did you have chaps of this sort in Jinghiskahn? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh yes: they exist everywhere: they are a most serious modern problem. GUNNER. Yes. Youre right. _[Conceitedly]_ I'm a problem. And I tell you that when we clerks realize that we're problems! well, look out: thats all. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[suavely, to Gunner]_ You read a great deal, you say? GUNNER. Ive read more than any man in this room, if the truth were known, I expect. Thats whats going to smash up your Capitalism. The problems are beginning to read. Ha! We're free to do that here in England. What would you do with me in Jinghiskahn if you had me there? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Well, since you ask me so directly, I'll tell you. I should take advantage of the fact that you have neither sense enough nor strength enough to know how to behave yourself in a difficulty of any sort. I should warn an intelligent and ambitious policeman that you are a troublesome person. The intelligent and ambitious policeman would take an early opportunity of upsetting your temper by ordering you to move on, and treading on your heels until you were provoked into obstructing an officer in the discharge of his duty. Any trifle of that sort would be sufficient to make a man like you lose your self-possession and put yourself in the wrong. You would then be charged and imprisoned until things quieted down. GUNNER. And you call that justice! LORD SUMMERHAYS. No. Justice was not my business. I had to govern a province; and I took the necessary steps to maintain order in it. Men are not governed by justice, but by law or persuasion. When they refuse to be governed by law or persuasion, they have to be governed by force or fraud, or both. I used both when law and persuasion failed me. Every ruler of men since the world began has done so, even when he has hated both fraud and force as heartily as I do. It is as well that you should know this, my young friend; so that you may recognize in time that anarchism is a game at which the police can beat you. What have you to say to that? GUNNER. What have I to say to it! Well, I call it scandalous: thats what I have to say to it. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Precisely: thats all anybody has to say to it, except the British public, which pretends not to believe it. And now let me ask you a sympathetic personal question. Havnt you a headache? GUNNER. Well, since you ask me, I have. Ive overexcited myself. MRS TARLETON. Poor lad! No wonder, after all youve gone through! You want to eat a little and to lie down. You come with me. I want you to tell me about your poor dear mother and about yourself. Come along with me. _[She leads the way to the inner door]._ GUNNER. _[following her obediently]_ Thank you kindly, madam. _[She goes out. Before passing out after her, he partly closes the door and stops an the landing for a moment to say]_ Mind: I'm not knuckling down to any man here. I knuckle down to Mrs Tarleton because shes a woman in a thousand. I affirm my manhood all the same. Understand: I dont give a damn for the lot of you. _[He hurries out, rather afraid of the consequences of this defiance, which has provoked Johnny to an impatient movement towards him]._ HYPATIA. Thank goodness hes gone! Oh, what a bore! WHAT a bore!!! Talk, talk, talk! TARLETON. Patsy: it's no good. We're going to talk. And we're going to talk about you. JOHNNY. It's no use shirking it, Pat. We'd better know where we are. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Come, Miss Tarleton. Wont you sit down? I'm very tired of standing. _[Hypatia comes from the pavilion and takes a chair at the worktable. Lord Summerhays takes the opposite chair, on her right. Percival takes the chair Johnny placed for Lina on her arrival. Tarleton sits down at the end of the writing table. Johnny remains standing. Lord Summerhays continues, with a sigh of relief at being seated.]_ We shall now get the change of subject we are all pining for. JOHNNY. _[puzzled]_ Whats that? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The great question. The question that men and women will spend hours over without complaining. The question that occupies all the novel readers and all the playgoers. The question they never get tired of. JOHNNY. But what question? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question which particular young man some young woman will mate with. PERCIVAL. As if it mattered! HYPATIA. _[sharply]_ Whats that you said? PERCIVAL. I said: As if it mattered. HYPATIA. I call that ungentlemanly. PERCIVAL. Do you care about that? you who are so magnificently unladylike! JOHNNY. Look here, Mr Percival: youre not supposed to insult my sister. HYPATIA. Oh, shut up, Johnny. I can take care of myself. Dont you interfere. JOHNNY. Oh, very well. If you choose to give yourself away like that--to allow a man to call you unladylike and then to be unladylike, Ive nothing more to say. HYPATIA. I think Mr Percival is most ungentlemanly; but I wont be protected. I'll not have my affairs interfered with by men on pretence of protecting me. I'm not your baby. If I interfered between you and a woman, you would soon tell me to mind my own business. TARLETON. Children: dont squabble. Read Dr Watts. Behave yourselves. JOHNNY. Ive nothing more to say; and as I dont seem to be wanted here, I shall take myself off. _[He goes out with affected calm through the pavilion]._ TARLETON. Summerhays: a family is an awful thing, an impossible thing. Cat and dog. Patsy: I'm ashamed of you. HYPATIA. I'll make it up with Johnny afterwards; but I really cant have him here sticking his clumsy hoof into my affairs. LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question is, Mr Percival, are you really a gentleman, or are you not? PERCIVAL. Was Napoleon really a gentleman or was he not? He made the lady get out of the way of the porter and said, "Respect the burden, madam." That was behaving like a very fine gentleman; but he kicked Volney for saying that what France wanted was the Bourbons back again. That was behaving rather like a navvy. Now I, like Napoleon, am not all one piece. On occasion, as you have all seen, I can behave like a gentleman. On occasion, I can behave with a brutal simplicity which Miss Tarleton herself could hardly surpass. TARLETON. Gentleman or no gentleman, Patsy: what are your intentions? HYPATIA. My intentions! Surely it's the gentleman who should be asked his intentions. TARLETON. Come now, Patsy! none of that nonsense. Has Mr Percival said anything to you that I ought to know or that Bentley ought to know? Have you said anything to Mr Percival? HYPATIA. Mr Percival chased me through the heather and kissed me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. As a gentleman, Mr Percival, what do you say to that? PERCIVAL. As a gentleman, I do not kiss and tell. As a mere man: a mere cad, if you like, I say that I did so at Miss Tarleton's own suggestion. HYPATIA. Beast! PERCIVAL. I dont deny that I enjoyed it. But I did not initiate it. And I began by running away. TARLETON. So Patsy can run faster than you, can she? PERCIVAL. Yes, when she is in pursuit of me. She runs faster and faster. I run slower and slower. And these woods of yours are full of magic. There was a confounded fern owl. Did you ever hear the churr of a fern owl? Did you ever hear it create a sudden silence by ceasing? Did you ever hear it call its mate by striking its wings together twice and whistling that single note that no nightingale can imitate? That is what happened in the woods when I was running away. So I turned; and the pursuer became the pursued. HYPATIA. I had to fight like a wild cat. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Please dont tell us this. It's not fit for old people to hear. TARLETON. Come: how did it end? HYPATIA. It's not ended yet. TARLETON. How is it going to end? HYPATIA. Ask him. TARLETON. How is it going to end, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. I cant afford to marry, Mr Tarleton. Ive only a thousand a year until my father dies. Two people cant possibly live on that. TARLETON. Oh, cant they? When _I_ married, I should have been jolly glad to have felt sure of the quarter of it. PERCIVAL. No doubt; but I am not a cheap person, Mr Tarleton. I was brought up in a household which cost at least seven or eight times that; and I am in constant money difficulties because I simply dont know how to live on the thousand a year scale. As to ask a woman to share my degrading poverty, it's out of the question. Besides, I'm rather young to marry. I'm only 28. HYPATIA. Papa: buy the brute for me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[shrinking]_ My dear Miss Tarleton: dont be so naughty. I know how delightful it is to shock an old man; but there is a point at which it becomes barbarous. Dont. Please dont. HYPATIA. Shall I tell Papa about you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Tarleton: I had better tell you that I once asked your daughter to become my widow. TARLETON. _[to Hypatia]_ Why didnt you accept him, you young idiot? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I was too old. TARLETON. All this has been going on under my nose, I suppose. You run after young men; and old men run after you. And I'm the last person in the world to hear of it. HYPATIA. How could I tell you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Parents and children, Tarleton. TARLETON. Oh, the gulf that lies between them! the impassable, eternal gulf! And so I'm to buy the brute for you, eh? HYPATIA. If you please, papa. TARLETON. Whats the price, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. We might do with another fifteen hundred if my father would contribute. But I should like more. TARLETON. It's purely a question of money with you, is it? PERCIVAL. _[after a moment's consideration]_ Practically yes: it turns on that. TARLETON. I thought you might have some sort of preference for Patsy, you know. PERCIVAL. Well, but does that matter, do you think? Patsy fascinates me, no doubt. I apparently fascinate Patsy. But, believe me, all that is not worth considering. One of my three fathers (the priest) has married hundreds of couples: couples selected by one another, couples selected by the parents, couples forced to marry one another by circumstances of one kind or another; and he assures me that if marriages were made by putting all the men's names into one sack and the women's names into another, and having them taken out by a blindfolded child like lottery numbers, there would be just as high a percentage of happy marriages as we have here in England. He said Cupid was nothing but the blindfolded child: pretty idea that, I think! I shall have as good a chance with Patsy as with anyone else. Mind: I'm not bigoted about it. I'm not a doctrinaire: not the slave of a theory. You and Lord Summerhays are experienced married men. If you can tell me of any trustworthy method of selecting a wife, I shall be happy to make use of it. I await your suggestions. _[He looks with polite attention to Lord Summerhays, who, having nothing to say, avoids his eye. He looks to Tarleton, who purses his lips glumly and rattles his money in his pockets without a word]._ Apparently neither of you has anything to suggest. Then Patsy will do as well as another, provided the money is forthcoming. HYPATIA. Oh, you beauty, you beauty! TARLETON. When I married Patsy's mother, I was in love with her. PERCIVAL. For the first time? TARLETON. Yes: for the first time. PERCIVAL. For the last time? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[revolted]_ Sir: you are in the presence of his daughter. HYPATIA. Oh, dont mind me. I dont care. I'm accustomed to Papa's adventures. TARLETON. _[blushing painfully]_ Patsy, my child: that was not--not delicate. HYPATIA. Well, papa, youve never shewn any delicacy in talking to me about my conduct; and I really dont see why I shouldnt talk to you about yours. It's such nonsense! Do you think young people dont know? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I'm sure they dont feel. Tarleton: this is too horrible, too brutal. If neither of these young people have any--any--any-- PERCIVAL. Shall we say paternal sentimentality? I'm extremely sorry to shock you; but you must remember that Ive been educated to discuss human affairs with three fathers simultaneously. I'm an adult person. Patsy is an adult person. You do not inspire me with veneration. Apparently you do not inspire Patsy with veneration. That may surprise you. It may pain you. I'm sorry. It cant be helped. What about the money? TARLETON. You dont inspire me with generosity, young man. HYPATIA. _[laughing with genuine amusement]_ He had you there, Joey. TARLETON. I havnt been a bad father to you, Patsy. HYPATIA. I dont say you have, dear. If only I could persuade you Ive grown up, we should get along perfectly. TARLETON. Do you remember Bill Burt? HYPATIA. Why? TARLETON. _[to the others]_ Bill Burt was a laborer here. I was going to sack him for kicking his father. He said his father had kicked him until he was big enough to kick back. Patsy begged him off. I asked that man what it felt like the first time he kicked his father, and found that it was just like kicking any other man. He laughed and said that it was the old man that knew what it felt like. Think of that, Summerhays! think of that! HYPATIA. I havnt kicked you, papa. TARLETON. Youve kicked me harder than Bill Burt ever kicked. LORD SUMMERHAYS. It's no use, Tarleton. Spare yourself. Do you seriously expect these young people, at their age, to sympathize with what this gentleman calls your paternal sentimentality? TARLETON. _[wistfully]_ Is it nothing to you but paternal sentimentality, Patsy? HYPATIA. Well, I greatly prefer your superabundant vitality, papa. TARLETON. _[violently]_ Hold your tongue, you young devil. The young are all alike: hard, coarse, shallow, cruel, selfish, dirty-minded. You can clear out of my house as soon as you can coax him to take you; and the sooner the better. _[To Percival]_ I think you said your price was fifteen hundred a year. Take it. And I wish you joy of your bargain. PERCIVAL. If you wish to know who I am-- TARLETON. I dont care a tinker's curse who you are or what you are. Youre willing to take that girl off my hands for fifteen hundred a year: thats all that concerns me. Tell her who you are if you like: it's her affair,

sit

How many times the word 'sit' appears in the text?

Do you consider that sufficient, Lord Summerhays? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh quite, quite. PERCIVAL. _[to Hypatia]_ Lord Summerhays would probably like to hear you say that you are satisfied, Miss Tarleton. HYPATIA. _[coming out of the swing, and advancing between Percival and Lord Summerhays]_ I must say that you have behaved like a perfect gentleman, Mr. Percival. PERCIVAL. _[first bowing to Hypatia, and then turning with cold contempt to Gunner, who is standing helpless]_ We need not trouble you any further. _[Gunner turns vaguely towards the pavilion]._ JOHNNY _[with less refined offensiveness, pointing to the pavilion]_ Thats your way. The gardener will shew you the shortest way into the road. Go the shortest way. GUNNER. _[oppressed and disconcerted, hardly knows how to get out of the room]_ Yes, sir. I-- _[He turns again, appealing to Tarleton]_ Maynt I have my mother's photographs back again? _[Mrs Tarleton pricks up her ears]._ TARLETON. Eh? What? Oh, the photographs! Yes, yes, yes: take them. _[Gunner takes them from the table, and is creeping away, when Mrs Tarleton puts out her hand and stops him]._ MRS TARLETON. Whats this, John? What were you doing with his mother's photographs? TARLETON. Nothing, nothing. Never mind, Chickabiddy: it's all right. MRS TARLETON. _[snatching the photographs from Gunner's irresolute fingers, and recognizing them at a glance]_ Lucy Titmus! Oh John, John! TARLETON. _[grimly, to Gunner]_ Young man: youre a fool; but youve just put the lid on this job in a masterly manner. I knew you would. I told you all to let well alone. You wouldnt; and now you must take the consequences--or rather _I_ must take them. MRS TARLETON. _[to Gunner]_ Are you Lucy's son? GUNNER. Yes. MRS TARLETON. And why didnt you come to me? I didnt turn my back on your mother when she came to me in her trouble. Didnt you know that? GUNNER. No. She never talked to me about anything. TARLETON. How could she talk to her own son? Shy, Summerhays, shy. Parent and child. Shy. _[He sits down at the end of the writing table nearest the sideboard like a man resigned to anything that fate may have in store for him]._ MRS TARLETON. Then how did you find out? GUNNER. From her papers after she died. MRS TARLETON. _[shocked]_ Is Lucy dead? And I never knew! _[With an effusion of tenderness]_ And you here being treated like that, poor orphan, with nobody to take your part! Tear up that foolish paper, child; and sit down and make friends with me. JOHNNY. | Hallo, mother this is all very well, you know-- | PERCIVAL. | But may I point out, Mrs Tarleton, that-- | BENTLEY. | Do you mean that after what he said of-- | HYPATIA. | Oh, look here, mamma: this is really-- MRS TARLETON. Will you please speak one at a time? _Silence._ PERCIVAL _[in a very gentlemanly manner]_ Will you allow me to remind you, Mrs Tarleton, that this man has uttered a most serious and disgraceful falsehood concerning Miss Tarleton and myself? MRS TARLETON. I dont believe a word of it. If the poor lad was there in the Turkish bath, who has a better right to say what was going on here than he has? You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Patsy; and so ought you too, Mr Percival, for encouraging her. _[Hypatia retreats to the pavilion, and exchanges grimaces with Johnny, shamelessly enjoying Percival's sudden reverse. They know their mother]._ PERCIVAL. _[gasping]_ Mrs Tarleton: I give you my word of honor-- MRS TARLETON. Oh, go along with you and your word of honor. Do you think I'm a fool? I wonder you can look the lad in the face after bullying him and making him sign those wicked lies; and all the time you carrying on with my daughter before youd been half an hour in my house. Fie, for shame! PERCIVAL. Lord Summerhays: I appeal to you. Have I done the correct thing or not? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Youve done your best, Mr Percival. But the correct thing depends for its success on everybody playing the game very strictly. As a single-handed game, it's impossible. BENTLEY. _[suddenly breaking out lamentably]_ Joey: have you taken Hypatia away from me? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[severely]_ Bentley! Bentley! Control yourself, sir. TARLETON. Come, Mr Percival! the shutters are up on the gentlemanly business. Try the truth. PERCIVAL. I am in a wretched position. If I tell the truth nobody will believe me. TARLETON. Oh yes they will. The truth makes everybody believe it. PERCIVAL. It also makes everybody pretend not to believe it. Mrs Tarleton: youre not playing the game. MRS TARLETON. I dont think youve behaved at all nicely, Mr Percival. BENTLEY. I wouldnt have played you such a dirty trick, Joey. _[Struggling with a sob]_ You beast. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Bentley: you must control yourself. Let me say at the same time, Mr Percival, that my son seems to have been mistaken in regarding you either as his friend or as a gentleman. PERCIVAL. Miss Tarleton: I'm suffering this for your sake. I ask you just to say that I am not to blame. Just that and nothing more. HYPATIA. _[gloating mischievously over his distress]_ You chased me through the heather and kissed me. You shouldnt have done that if you were not in earnest. PERCIVAL. Oh, this is really the limit. _[Turning desperately to Gunner]_ Sir: I appeal to you. As a gentleman! as a man of honor! as a man bound to stand by another man! You were in that Turkish bath. You saw how it began. Could any man have behaved more correctly than I did? Is there a shadow of foundation for the accusations brought against me? GUNNER. _[sorely perplexed]_ Well, what do you want me to say? JOHNNY. He has said what he had to say already, hasnt he? Read that paper. GUNNER. When I tell the truth, you make me go back on it. And now you want me to go back on myself! What is a man to do? PERCIVAL. _[patiently]_ Please try to get your mind clear, Mr Brown. I pointed out to you that you could not, as a gentleman, disparage a lady's character. You agree with me, I hope. GUNNER. Yes: that sounds all right. PERCIVAL. But youre also bound to tell the truth. Surely youll not deny that. GUNNER. Who's denying it? I say nothing against it. PERCIVAL. Of course not. Well, I ask you to tell the truth simply and unaffectedly. Did you witness any improper conduct on my part when you were in the bath? GUNNER. No, sir. JOHNNY. | Then what do you mean by saying that-- | HYPATIA. | Do you mean to say that I-- | BENTLEY. | Oh, you are a rotter. Youre afraid-- TARLETON. _[rising]_ Stop. _[Silence]._ Leave it at that. Enough said. You keep quiet, Johnny. Mr Percival: youre whitewashed. So are you, Patsy. Honors are easy. Lets drop the subject. The next thing to do is to open a subscription to start this young man on a ranch in some far country thats accustomed to be in a disturbed state. He-- MRS TARLETON. Now stop joking the poor lad, John: I wont have it. Has been worried to death between you all. _[To Gunner]_ Have you had your tea? GUNNER. Tea? No: it's too early. I'm all right; only I had no dinner: I didnt think I'd want it. I didnt think I'd be alive. MRS TARLETON. Oh, what a thing to say! You mustnt talk like that. JOHNNY. Hes out of his mind. He thinks it's past dinner-time. MRS TARLETON. Oh, youve no sense, Johnny. He calls his lunch his dinner, and has his tea at half-past six. Havnt you, dear? GUNNER. _[timidly]_ Hasnt everybody? JOHNNY. _[laughing]_ Well, by George, thats not bad. MRS TARLETON. Now dont be rude, Johnny: you know I dont like it. _[To Gunner]_ A cup of tea will pick you up. GUNNER. I'd rather not. I'm all right. TARLETON. _[going to the sideboard]_ Here! try a mouthful of sloe gin. GUNNER. No, thanks. I'm a teetotaler. I cant touch alcohol in any form. TARLETON. Nonsense! This isnt alcohol. Sloe gin. Vegetarian, you know. GUNNER. _[hesitating]_ Is it a fruit beverage? TARLETON. Of course it is. Fruit beverage. Here you are. _[He gives him a glass of sloe gin]._ GUNNER. _[going to the sideboard]_ Thanks. _[he begins to drink it confidently; but the first mouthful startles and almost chokes him]._ It's rather hot. TARLETON. Do you good. Dont be afraid of it. MRS TARLETON. _[going to him]_ Sip it, dear. Dont be in a hurry. _Gunner sips slowly, each sip making his eyes water._ JOHNNY. _[coming forward into the place left vacant by Gunner's visit to the sideboard]_ Well, now that the gentleman has been attended to, I should like to know where we are. It may be a vulgar business habit; but I confess I like to know where I am. TARLETON. I dont. Wherever you are, youre there anyhow. I tell you again, leave it at that. BENTLEY. I want to know too. Hypatia's engaged to me. HYPATIA. Bentley: if you insult me again--if you say another word, I'll leave the house and not enter it until you leave it. JOHNNY. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, my boy. BENTLEY. _[inarticulate with fury and suppressed tears]_ Oh! Beasts! Brutes! MRS TARLETON. Now dont hurt his feelings, poor little lamb! LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[very sternly]_ Bentley: you are not behaving well. You had better leave us until you have recovered yourself. _Bentley goes out in disgrace, but gets no further than half way to the pavilion door, when, with a wild sob, he throws himself on the floor and begins to yell._ MRS TARLETON. | _[running to him]_ Oh, poor child, | poor child! Dont cry, duckie: | he didnt mean it: dont cry. | LORD SUMMERHAYS| Stop that infernal noise, sir: do you | hear? Stop it instantly. | JOHNNY. | Thats the game he tried on me. | There you are! Now, mother! | Now, Patsy! You see for yourselves. | HYPATIA. | _[covering her ears]_ Oh you little | wretch! Stop him, Mr Percival. Kick him. | TARLETON. | Steady on, steady on. Easy, Bunny, easy. LINA. Leave him to me, Mrs Tarleton. Stand clear, please. _She kneels opposite Bentley; quickly lifts the upper half of him from the ground; dives under him; rises with his body hanging across her shoulders; and runs out with him._ BENTLEY. _[in scared, sobered, humble tones as he is borne off]_ What are you doing? Let me down. Please, Miss Szczepanowska-- _[they pass out of hearing]._ _An awestruck silence falls on the company as they speculate on Bentley's fate._ JOHNNY. I wonder what shes going to do with him. HYPATIA. Spank him, I hope. Spank him hard. LORD SUMMERHAYS. I hope so. I hope so. Tarleton: I'm beyond measure humiliated and annoyed by my son's behavior in your house. I had better take him home. TARLETON. Not at all: not at all. Now, Chickabiddy: as Miss Lina has taken away Ben, suppose you take away Mr Brown for a while. GUNNER. _[with unexpected aggressiveness]_ My name isnt Brown. _[They stare at him: he meets their stare defiantly, pugnacious with sloe gin; drains the last drop from his glass; throws it on the sideboard; and advances to the writing table]._ My name's Baker: Julius Baker. Mister Baker. If any man doubts it, I'm ready for him. MRS TARLETON. John: you shouldnt have given him that sloe gin. It's gone to his head. GUNNER. Dont you think it. Fruit beverages dont go to the head; and what matter if they did? I say nothing to you, maam: I regard you with respect and affection. _[Lachrymosely]_ You were very good to my mother: my poor mother! _[Relapsing into his daring mood]_ But I say my name's Baker; and I'm not to be treated as a child or made a slave of by any man. Baker is my name. Did you think I was going to give you my real name? Not likely. Not me. TARLETON. So you thought of John Brown. That was clever of you. GUNNER. Clever! Yes: we're not all such fools as you think: we clerks. It was the bookkeeper put me up to that. It's the only name that nobody gives as a false name, he said. Clever, eh? I should think so. MRS TARLETON. Come now, Julius-- GUNNER. _[reassuring her gravely]_ Dont you be alarmed, maam. I know what is due to you as a lady and to myself as a gentleman. I regard you with respect and affection. If you had been my mother, as you ought to have been, I should have had more chance. But you shall have no cause to be ashamed of me. The strength of a chain is no greater than its weakest link; but the greatness of a poet is the greatness of his greatest moment. Shakespear used to get drunk. Frederick the Great ran away from a battle. But it was what they could rise to, not what they could sink to, that made them great. They werent good always; but they were good on their day. Well, on my day--on my day, mind you--I'm good for something too. I know that Ive made a silly exhibition of myself here. I know I didnt rise to the occasion. I know that if youd been my mother, youd have been ashamed of me. I lost my presence of mind: I was a contemptible coward. But _[slapping himself on the chest]_ I'm not the man I was then. This is my day. Ive seen the tenth possessor of a foolish face carried out kicking and screaming by a woman. _[To Percival]_ You crowed pretty big over me. You hypnotized me. But when you were put through the fire yourself, you were found wanting. I tell you straight I dont give a damn for you. MRS TARLETON. No: thats naughty. You shouldnt say that before me. GUNNER. I would cut my tongue out sooner than say anything vulgar in your presence; for I regard you with respect and affection. I was not swearing. I was affirming my manhood. MRS TARLETON. What an idea! What puts all these things into your head? GUNNER. Oh, dont you think, because I'm a clerk, that I'm not one of the intellectuals. I'm a reading man, a thinking man. I read in a book--a high class six shilling book--this precept: Affirm your manhood. It appealed to me. Ive always remembered it. I believe in it. I feel I must do it to recover your respect after my cowardly behavior. Therefore I affirm it in your presence. I tell that man who insulted me that I dont give a damn for him. And neither I do. TARLETON. I say, Summerhays: did you have chaps of this sort in Jinghiskahn? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh yes: they exist everywhere: they are a most serious modern problem. GUNNER. Yes. Youre right. _[Conceitedly]_ I'm a problem. And I tell you that when we clerks realize that we're problems! well, look out: thats all. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[suavely, to Gunner]_ You read a great deal, you say? GUNNER. Ive read more than any man in this room, if the truth were known, I expect. Thats whats going to smash up your Capitalism. The problems are beginning to read. Ha! We're free to do that here in England. What would you do with me in Jinghiskahn if you had me there? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Well, since you ask me so directly, I'll tell you. I should take advantage of the fact that you have neither sense enough nor strength enough to know how to behave yourself in a difficulty of any sort. I should warn an intelligent and ambitious policeman that you are a troublesome person. The intelligent and ambitious policeman would take an early opportunity of upsetting your temper by ordering you to move on, and treading on your heels until you were provoked into obstructing an officer in the discharge of his duty. Any trifle of that sort would be sufficient to make a man like you lose your self-possession and put yourself in the wrong. You would then be charged and imprisoned until things quieted down. GUNNER. And you call that justice! LORD SUMMERHAYS. No. Justice was not my business. I had to govern a province; and I took the necessary steps to maintain order in it. Men are not governed by justice, but by law or persuasion. When they refuse to be governed by law or persuasion, they have to be governed by force or fraud, or both. I used both when law and persuasion failed me. Every ruler of men since the world began has done so, even when he has hated both fraud and force as heartily as I do. It is as well that you should know this, my young friend; so that you may recognize in time that anarchism is a game at which the police can beat you. What have you to say to that? GUNNER. What have I to say to it! Well, I call it scandalous: thats what I have to say to it. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Precisely: thats all anybody has to say to it, except the British public, which pretends not to believe it. And now let me ask you a sympathetic personal question. Havnt you a headache? GUNNER. Well, since you ask me, I have. Ive overexcited myself. MRS TARLETON. Poor lad! No wonder, after all youve gone through! You want to eat a little and to lie down. You come with me. I want you to tell me about your poor dear mother and about yourself. Come along with me. _[She leads the way to the inner door]._ GUNNER. _[following her obediently]_ Thank you kindly, madam. _[She goes out. Before passing out after her, he partly closes the door and stops an the landing for a moment to say]_ Mind: I'm not knuckling down to any man here. I knuckle down to Mrs Tarleton because shes a woman in a thousand. I affirm my manhood all the same. Understand: I dont give a damn for the lot of you. _[He hurries out, rather afraid of the consequences of this defiance, which has provoked Johnny to an impatient movement towards him]._ HYPATIA. Thank goodness hes gone! Oh, what a bore! WHAT a bore!!! Talk, talk, talk! TARLETON. Patsy: it's no good. We're going to talk. And we're going to talk about you. JOHNNY. It's no use shirking it, Pat. We'd better know where we are. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Come, Miss Tarleton. Wont you sit down? I'm very tired of standing. _[Hypatia comes from the pavilion and takes a chair at the worktable. Lord Summerhays takes the opposite chair, on her right. Percival takes the chair Johnny placed for Lina on her arrival. Tarleton sits down at the end of the writing table. Johnny remains standing. Lord Summerhays continues, with a sigh of relief at being seated.]_ We shall now get the change of subject we are all pining for. JOHNNY. _[puzzled]_ Whats that? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The great question. The question that men and women will spend hours over without complaining. The question that occupies all the novel readers and all the playgoers. The question they never get tired of. JOHNNY. But what question? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question which particular young man some young woman will mate with. PERCIVAL. As if it mattered! HYPATIA. _[sharply]_ Whats that you said? PERCIVAL. I said: As if it mattered. HYPATIA. I call that ungentlemanly. PERCIVAL. Do you care about that? you who are so magnificently unladylike! JOHNNY. Look here, Mr Percival: youre not supposed to insult my sister. HYPATIA. Oh, shut up, Johnny. I can take care of myself. Dont you interfere. JOHNNY. Oh, very well. If you choose to give yourself away like that--to allow a man to call you unladylike and then to be unladylike, Ive nothing more to say. HYPATIA. I think Mr Percival is most ungentlemanly; but I wont be protected. I'll not have my affairs interfered with by men on pretence of protecting me. I'm not your baby. If I interfered between you and a woman, you would soon tell me to mind my own business. TARLETON. Children: dont squabble. Read Dr Watts. Behave yourselves. JOHNNY. Ive nothing more to say; and as I dont seem to be wanted here, I shall take myself off. _[He goes out with affected calm through the pavilion]._ TARLETON. Summerhays: a family is an awful thing, an impossible thing. Cat and dog. Patsy: I'm ashamed of you. HYPATIA. I'll make it up with Johnny afterwards; but I really cant have him here sticking his clumsy hoof into my affairs. LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question is, Mr Percival, are you really a gentleman, or are you not? PERCIVAL. Was Napoleon really a gentleman or was he not? He made the lady get out of the way of the porter and said, "Respect the burden, madam." That was behaving like a very fine gentleman; but he kicked Volney for saying that what France wanted was the Bourbons back again. That was behaving rather like a navvy. Now I, like Napoleon, am not all one piece. On occasion, as you have all seen, I can behave like a gentleman. On occasion, I can behave with a brutal simplicity which Miss Tarleton herself could hardly surpass. TARLETON. Gentleman or no gentleman, Patsy: what are your intentions? HYPATIA. My intentions! Surely it's the gentleman who should be asked his intentions. TARLETON. Come now, Patsy! none of that nonsense. Has Mr Percival said anything to you that I ought to know or that Bentley ought to know? Have you said anything to Mr Percival? HYPATIA. Mr Percival chased me through the heather and kissed me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. As a gentleman, Mr Percival, what do you say to that? PERCIVAL. As a gentleman, I do not kiss and tell. As a mere man: a mere cad, if you like, I say that I did so at Miss Tarleton's own suggestion. HYPATIA. Beast! PERCIVAL. I dont deny that I enjoyed it. But I did not initiate it. And I began by running away. TARLETON. So Patsy can run faster than you, can she? PERCIVAL. Yes, when she is in pursuit of me. She runs faster and faster. I run slower and slower. And these woods of yours are full of magic. There was a confounded fern owl. Did you ever hear the churr of a fern owl? Did you ever hear it create a sudden silence by ceasing? Did you ever hear it call its mate by striking its wings together twice and whistling that single note that no nightingale can imitate? That is what happened in the woods when I was running away. So I turned; and the pursuer became the pursued. HYPATIA. I had to fight like a wild cat. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Please dont tell us this. It's not fit for old people to hear. TARLETON. Come: how did it end? HYPATIA. It's not ended yet. TARLETON. How is it going to end? HYPATIA. Ask him. TARLETON. How is it going to end, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. I cant afford to marry, Mr Tarleton. Ive only a thousand a year until my father dies. Two people cant possibly live on that. TARLETON. Oh, cant they? When _I_ married, I should have been jolly glad to have felt sure of the quarter of it. PERCIVAL. No doubt; but I am not a cheap person, Mr Tarleton. I was brought up in a household which cost at least seven or eight times that; and I am in constant money difficulties because I simply dont know how to live on the thousand a year scale. As to ask a woman to share my degrading poverty, it's out of the question. Besides, I'm rather young to marry. I'm only 28. HYPATIA. Papa: buy the brute for me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[shrinking]_ My dear Miss Tarleton: dont be so naughty. I know how delightful it is to shock an old man; but there is a point at which it becomes barbarous. Dont. Please dont. HYPATIA. Shall I tell Papa about you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Tarleton: I had better tell you that I once asked your daughter to become my widow. TARLETON. _[to Hypatia]_ Why didnt you accept him, you young idiot? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I was too old. TARLETON. All this has been going on under my nose, I suppose. You run after young men; and old men run after you. And I'm the last person in the world to hear of it. HYPATIA. How could I tell you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Parents and children, Tarleton. TARLETON. Oh, the gulf that lies between them! the impassable, eternal gulf! And so I'm to buy the brute for you, eh? HYPATIA. If you please, papa. TARLETON. Whats the price, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. We might do with another fifteen hundred if my father would contribute. But I should like more. TARLETON. It's purely a question of money with you, is it? PERCIVAL. _[after a moment's consideration]_ Practically yes: it turns on that. TARLETON. I thought you might have some sort of preference for Patsy, you know. PERCIVAL. Well, but does that matter, do you think? Patsy fascinates me, no doubt. I apparently fascinate Patsy. But, believe me, all that is not worth considering. One of my three fathers (the priest) has married hundreds of couples: couples selected by one another, couples selected by the parents, couples forced to marry one another by circumstances of one kind or another; and he assures me that if marriages were made by putting all the men's names into one sack and the women's names into another, and having them taken out by a blindfolded child like lottery numbers, there would be just as high a percentage of happy marriages as we have here in England. He said Cupid was nothing but the blindfolded child: pretty idea that, I think! I shall have as good a chance with Patsy as with anyone else. Mind: I'm not bigoted about it. I'm not a doctrinaire: not the slave of a theory. You and Lord Summerhays are experienced married men. If you can tell me of any trustworthy method of selecting a wife, I shall be happy to make use of it. I await your suggestions. _[He looks with polite attention to Lord Summerhays, who, having nothing to say, avoids his eye. He looks to Tarleton, who purses his lips glumly and rattles his money in his pockets without a word]._ Apparently neither of you has anything to suggest. Then Patsy will do as well as another, provided the money is forthcoming. HYPATIA. Oh, you beauty, you beauty! TARLETON. When I married Patsy's mother, I was in love with her. PERCIVAL. For the first time? TARLETON. Yes: for the first time. PERCIVAL. For the last time? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[revolted]_ Sir: you are in the presence of his daughter. HYPATIA. Oh, dont mind me. I dont care. I'm accustomed to Papa's adventures. TARLETON. _[blushing painfully]_ Patsy, my child: that was not--not delicate. HYPATIA. Well, papa, youve never shewn any delicacy in talking to me about my conduct; and I really dont see why I shouldnt talk to you about yours. It's such nonsense! Do you think young people dont know? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I'm sure they dont feel. Tarleton: this is too horrible, too brutal. If neither of these young people have any--any--any-- PERCIVAL. Shall we say paternal sentimentality? I'm extremely sorry to shock you; but you must remember that Ive been educated to discuss human affairs with three fathers simultaneously. I'm an adult person. Patsy is an adult person. You do not inspire me with veneration. Apparently you do not inspire Patsy with veneration. That may surprise you. It may pain you. I'm sorry. It cant be helped. What about the money? TARLETON. You dont inspire me with generosity, young man. HYPATIA. _[laughing with genuine amusement]_ He had you there, Joey. TARLETON. I havnt been a bad father to you, Patsy. HYPATIA. I dont say you have, dear. If only I could persuade you Ive grown up, we should get along perfectly. TARLETON. Do you remember Bill Burt? HYPATIA. Why? TARLETON. _[to the others]_ Bill Burt was a laborer here. I was going to sack him for kicking his father. He said his father had kicked him until he was big enough to kick back. Patsy begged him off. I asked that man what it felt like the first time he kicked his father, and found that it was just like kicking any other man. He laughed and said that it was the old man that knew what it felt like. Think of that, Summerhays! think of that! HYPATIA. I havnt kicked you, papa. TARLETON. Youve kicked me harder than Bill Burt ever kicked. LORD SUMMERHAYS. It's no use, Tarleton. Spare yourself. Do you seriously expect these young people, at their age, to sympathize with what this gentleman calls your paternal sentimentality? TARLETON. _[wistfully]_ Is it nothing to you but paternal sentimentality, Patsy? HYPATIA. Well, I greatly prefer your superabundant vitality, papa. TARLETON. _[violently]_ Hold your tongue, you young devil. The young are all alike: hard, coarse, shallow, cruel, selfish, dirty-minded. You can clear out of my house as soon as you can coax him to take you; and the sooner the better. _[To Percival]_ I think you said your price was fifteen hundred a year. Take it. And I wish you joy of your bargain. PERCIVAL. If you wish to know who I am-- TARLETON. I dont care a tinker's curse who you are or what you are. Youre willing to take that girl off my hands for fifteen hundred a year: thats all that concerns me. Tell her who you are if you like: it's her affair,

bound

How many times the word 'bound' appears in the text?

Do you consider that sufficient, Lord Summerhays? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh quite, quite. PERCIVAL. _[to Hypatia]_ Lord Summerhays would probably like to hear you say that you are satisfied, Miss Tarleton. HYPATIA. _[coming out of the swing, and advancing between Percival and Lord Summerhays]_ I must say that you have behaved like a perfect gentleman, Mr. Percival. PERCIVAL. _[first bowing to Hypatia, and then turning with cold contempt to Gunner, who is standing helpless]_ We need not trouble you any further. _[Gunner turns vaguely towards the pavilion]._ JOHNNY _[with less refined offensiveness, pointing to the pavilion]_ Thats your way. The gardener will shew you the shortest way into the road. Go the shortest way. GUNNER. _[oppressed and disconcerted, hardly knows how to get out of the room]_ Yes, sir. I-- _[He turns again, appealing to Tarleton]_ Maynt I have my mother's photographs back again? _[Mrs Tarleton pricks up her ears]._ TARLETON. Eh? What? Oh, the photographs! Yes, yes, yes: take them. _[Gunner takes them from the table, and is creeping away, when Mrs Tarleton puts out her hand and stops him]._ MRS TARLETON. Whats this, John? What were you doing with his mother's photographs? TARLETON. Nothing, nothing. Never mind, Chickabiddy: it's all right. MRS TARLETON. _[snatching the photographs from Gunner's irresolute fingers, and recognizing them at a glance]_ Lucy Titmus! Oh John, John! TARLETON. _[grimly, to Gunner]_ Young man: youre a fool; but youve just put the lid on this job in a masterly manner. I knew you would. I told you all to let well alone. You wouldnt; and now you must take the consequences--or rather _I_ must take them. MRS TARLETON. _[to Gunner]_ Are you Lucy's son? GUNNER. Yes. MRS TARLETON. And why didnt you come to me? I didnt turn my back on your mother when she came to me in her trouble. Didnt you know that? GUNNER. No. She never talked to me about anything. TARLETON. How could she talk to her own son? Shy, Summerhays, shy. Parent and child. Shy. _[He sits down at the end of the writing table nearest the sideboard like a man resigned to anything that fate may have in store for him]._ MRS TARLETON. Then how did you find out? GUNNER. From her papers after she died. MRS TARLETON. _[shocked]_ Is Lucy dead? And I never knew! _[With an effusion of tenderness]_ And you here being treated like that, poor orphan, with nobody to take your part! Tear up that foolish paper, child; and sit down and make friends with me. JOHNNY. | Hallo, mother this is all very well, you know-- | PERCIVAL. | But may I point out, Mrs Tarleton, that-- | BENTLEY. | Do you mean that after what he said of-- | HYPATIA. | Oh, look here, mamma: this is really-- MRS TARLETON. Will you please speak one at a time? _Silence._ PERCIVAL _[in a very gentlemanly manner]_ Will you allow me to remind you, Mrs Tarleton, that this man has uttered a most serious and disgraceful falsehood concerning Miss Tarleton and myself? MRS TARLETON. I dont believe a word of it. If the poor lad was there in the Turkish bath, who has a better right to say what was going on here than he has? You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Patsy; and so ought you too, Mr Percival, for encouraging her. _[Hypatia retreats to the pavilion, and exchanges grimaces with Johnny, shamelessly enjoying Percival's sudden reverse. They know their mother]._ PERCIVAL. _[gasping]_ Mrs Tarleton: I give you my word of honor-- MRS TARLETON. Oh, go along with you and your word of honor. Do you think I'm a fool? I wonder you can look the lad in the face after bullying him and making him sign those wicked lies; and all the time you carrying on with my daughter before youd been half an hour in my house. Fie, for shame! PERCIVAL. Lord Summerhays: I appeal to you. Have I done the correct thing or not? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Youve done your best, Mr Percival. But the correct thing depends for its success on everybody playing the game very strictly. As a single-handed game, it's impossible. BENTLEY. _[suddenly breaking out lamentably]_ Joey: have you taken Hypatia away from me? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[severely]_ Bentley! Bentley! Control yourself, sir. TARLETON. Come, Mr Percival! the shutters are up on the gentlemanly business. Try the truth. PERCIVAL. I am in a wretched position. If I tell the truth nobody will believe me. TARLETON. Oh yes they will. The truth makes everybody believe it. PERCIVAL. It also makes everybody pretend not to believe it. Mrs Tarleton: youre not playing the game. MRS TARLETON. I dont think youve behaved at all nicely, Mr Percival. BENTLEY. I wouldnt have played you such a dirty trick, Joey. _[Struggling with a sob]_ You beast. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Bentley: you must control yourself. Let me say at the same time, Mr Percival, that my son seems to have been mistaken in regarding you either as his friend or as a gentleman. PERCIVAL. Miss Tarleton: I'm suffering this for your sake. I ask you just to say that I am not to blame. Just that and nothing more. HYPATIA. _[gloating mischievously over his distress]_ You chased me through the heather and kissed me. You shouldnt have done that if you were not in earnest. PERCIVAL. Oh, this is really the limit. _[Turning desperately to Gunner]_ Sir: I appeal to you. As a gentleman! as a man of honor! as a man bound to stand by another man! You were in that Turkish bath. You saw how it began. Could any man have behaved more correctly than I did? Is there a shadow of foundation for the accusations brought against me? GUNNER. _[sorely perplexed]_ Well, what do you want me to say? JOHNNY. He has said what he had to say already, hasnt he? Read that paper. GUNNER. When I tell the truth, you make me go back on it. And now you want me to go back on myself! What is a man to do? PERCIVAL. _[patiently]_ Please try to get your mind clear, Mr Brown. I pointed out to you that you could not, as a gentleman, disparage a lady's character. You agree with me, I hope. GUNNER. Yes: that sounds all right. PERCIVAL. But youre also bound to tell the truth. Surely youll not deny that. GUNNER. Who's denying it? I say nothing against it. PERCIVAL. Of course not. Well, I ask you to tell the truth simply and unaffectedly. Did you witness any improper conduct on my part when you were in the bath? GUNNER. No, sir. JOHNNY. | Then what do you mean by saying that-- | HYPATIA. | Do you mean to say that I-- | BENTLEY. | Oh, you are a rotter. Youre afraid-- TARLETON. _[rising]_ Stop. _[Silence]._ Leave it at that. Enough said. You keep quiet, Johnny. Mr Percival: youre whitewashed. So are you, Patsy. Honors are easy. Lets drop the subject. The next thing to do is to open a subscription to start this young man on a ranch in some far country thats accustomed to be in a disturbed state. He-- MRS TARLETON. Now stop joking the poor lad, John: I wont have it. Has been worried to death between you all. _[To Gunner]_ Have you had your tea? GUNNER. Tea? No: it's too early. I'm all right; only I had no dinner: I didnt think I'd want it. I didnt think I'd be alive. MRS TARLETON. Oh, what a thing to say! You mustnt talk like that. JOHNNY. Hes out of his mind. He thinks it's past dinner-time. MRS TARLETON. Oh, youve no sense, Johnny. He calls his lunch his dinner, and has his tea at half-past six. Havnt you, dear? GUNNER. _[timidly]_ Hasnt everybody? JOHNNY. _[laughing]_ Well, by George, thats not bad. MRS TARLETON. Now dont be rude, Johnny: you know I dont like it. _[To Gunner]_ A cup of tea will pick you up. GUNNER. I'd rather not. I'm all right. TARLETON. _[going to the sideboard]_ Here! try a mouthful of sloe gin. GUNNER. No, thanks. I'm a teetotaler. I cant touch alcohol in any form. TARLETON. Nonsense! This isnt alcohol. Sloe gin. Vegetarian, you know. GUNNER. _[hesitating]_ Is it a fruit beverage? TARLETON. Of course it is. Fruit beverage. Here you are. _[He gives him a glass of sloe gin]._ GUNNER. _[going to the sideboard]_ Thanks. _[he begins to drink it confidently; but the first mouthful startles and almost chokes him]._ It's rather hot. TARLETON. Do you good. Dont be afraid of it. MRS TARLETON. _[going to him]_ Sip it, dear. Dont be in a hurry. _Gunner sips slowly, each sip making his eyes water._ JOHNNY. _[coming forward into the place left vacant by Gunner's visit to the sideboard]_ Well, now that the gentleman has been attended to, I should like to know where we are. It may be a vulgar business habit; but I confess I like to know where I am. TARLETON. I dont. Wherever you are, youre there anyhow. I tell you again, leave it at that. BENTLEY. I want to know too. Hypatia's engaged to me. HYPATIA. Bentley: if you insult me again--if you say another word, I'll leave the house and not enter it until you leave it. JOHNNY. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, my boy. BENTLEY. _[inarticulate with fury and suppressed tears]_ Oh! Beasts! Brutes! MRS TARLETON. Now dont hurt his feelings, poor little lamb! LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[very sternly]_ Bentley: you are not behaving well. You had better leave us until you have recovered yourself. _Bentley goes out in disgrace, but gets no further than half way to the pavilion door, when, with a wild sob, he throws himself on the floor and begins to yell._ MRS TARLETON. | _[running to him]_ Oh, poor child, | poor child! Dont cry, duckie: | he didnt mean it: dont cry. | LORD SUMMERHAYS| Stop that infernal noise, sir: do you | hear? Stop it instantly. | JOHNNY. | Thats the game he tried on me. | There you are! Now, mother! | Now, Patsy! You see for yourselves. | HYPATIA. | _[covering her ears]_ Oh you little | wretch! Stop him, Mr Percival. Kick him. | TARLETON. | Steady on, steady on. Easy, Bunny, easy. LINA. Leave him to me, Mrs Tarleton. Stand clear, please. _She kneels opposite Bentley; quickly lifts the upper half of him from the ground; dives under him; rises with his body hanging across her shoulders; and runs out with him._ BENTLEY. _[in scared, sobered, humble tones as he is borne off]_ What are you doing? Let me down. Please, Miss Szczepanowska-- _[they pass out of hearing]._ _An awestruck silence falls on the company as they speculate on Bentley's fate._ JOHNNY. I wonder what shes going to do with him. HYPATIA. Spank him, I hope. Spank him hard. LORD SUMMERHAYS. I hope so. I hope so. Tarleton: I'm beyond measure humiliated and annoyed by my son's behavior in your house. I had better take him home. TARLETON. Not at all: not at all. Now, Chickabiddy: as Miss Lina has taken away Ben, suppose you take away Mr Brown for a while. GUNNER. _[with unexpected aggressiveness]_ My name isnt Brown. _[They stare at him: he meets their stare defiantly, pugnacious with sloe gin; drains the last drop from his glass; throws it on the sideboard; and advances to the writing table]._ My name's Baker: Julius Baker. Mister Baker. If any man doubts it, I'm ready for him. MRS TARLETON. John: you shouldnt have given him that sloe gin. It's gone to his head. GUNNER. Dont you think it. Fruit beverages dont go to the head; and what matter if they did? I say nothing to you, maam: I regard you with respect and affection. _[Lachrymosely]_ You were very good to my mother: my poor mother! _[Relapsing into his daring mood]_ But I say my name's Baker; and I'm not to be treated as a child or made a slave of by any man. Baker is my name. Did you think I was going to give you my real name? Not likely. Not me. TARLETON. So you thought of John Brown. That was clever of you. GUNNER. Clever! Yes: we're not all such fools as you think: we clerks. It was the bookkeeper put me up to that. It's the only name that nobody gives as a false name, he said. Clever, eh? I should think so. MRS TARLETON. Come now, Julius-- GUNNER. _[reassuring her gravely]_ Dont you be alarmed, maam. I know what is due to you as a lady and to myself as a gentleman. I regard you with respect and affection. If you had been my mother, as you ought to have been, I should have had more chance. But you shall have no cause to be ashamed of me. The strength of a chain is no greater than its weakest link; but the greatness of a poet is the greatness of his greatest moment. Shakespear used to get drunk. Frederick the Great ran away from a battle. But it was what they could rise to, not what they could sink to, that made them great. They werent good always; but they were good on their day. Well, on my day--on my day, mind you--I'm good for something too. I know that Ive made a silly exhibition of myself here. I know I didnt rise to the occasion. I know that if youd been my mother, youd have been ashamed of me. I lost my presence of mind: I was a contemptible coward. But _[slapping himself on the chest]_ I'm not the man I was then. This is my day. Ive seen the tenth possessor of a foolish face carried out kicking and screaming by a woman. _[To Percival]_ You crowed pretty big over me. You hypnotized me. But when you were put through the fire yourself, you were found wanting. I tell you straight I dont give a damn for you. MRS TARLETON. No: thats naughty. You shouldnt say that before me. GUNNER. I would cut my tongue out sooner than say anything vulgar in your presence; for I regard you with respect and affection. I was not swearing. I was affirming my manhood. MRS TARLETON. What an idea! What puts all these things into your head? GUNNER. Oh, dont you think, because I'm a clerk, that I'm not one of the intellectuals. I'm a reading man, a thinking man. I read in a book--a high class six shilling book--this precept: Affirm your manhood. It appealed to me. Ive always remembered it. I believe in it. I feel I must do it to recover your respect after my cowardly behavior. Therefore I affirm it in your presence. I tell that man who insulted me that I dont give a damn for him. And neither I do. TARLETON. I say, Summerhays: did you have chaps of this sort in Jinghiskahn? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh yes: they exist everywhere: they are a most serious modern problem. GUNNER. Yes. Youre right. _[Conceitedly]_ I'm a problem. And I tell you that when we clerks realize that we're problems! well, look out: thats all. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[suavely, to Gunner]_ You read a great deal, you say? GUNNER. Ive read more than any man in this room, if the truth were known, I expect. Thats whats going to smash up your Capitalism. The problems are beginning to read. Ha! We're free to do that here in England. What would you do with me in Jinghiskahn if you had me there? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Well, since you ask me so directly, I'll tell you. I should take advantage of the fact that you have neither sense enough nor strength enough to know how to behave yourself in a difficulty of any sort. I should warn an intelligent and ambitious policeman that you are a troublesome person. The intelligent and ambitious policeman would take an early opportunity of upsetting your temper by ordering you to move on, and treading on your heels until you were provoked into obstructing an officer in the discharge of his duty. Any trifle of that sort would be sufficient to make a man like you lose your self-possession and put yourself in the wrong. You would then be charged and imprisoned until things quieted down. GUNNER. And you call that justice! LORD SUMMERHAYS. No. Justice was not my business. I had to govern a province; and I took the necessary steps to maintain order in it. Men are not governed by justice, but by law or persuasion. When they refuse to be governed by law or persuasion, they have to be governed by force or fraud, or both. I used both when law and persuasion failed me. Every ruler of men since the world began has done so, even when he has hated both fraud and force as heartily as I do. It is as well that you should know this, my young friend; so that you may recognize in time that anarchism is a game at which the police can beat you. What have you to say to that? GUNNER. What have I to say to it! Well, I call it scandalous: thats what I have to say to it. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Precisely: thats all anybody has to say to it, except the British public, which pretends not to believe it. And now let me ask you a sympathetic personal question. Havnt you a headache? GUNNER. Well, since you ask me, I have. Ive overexcited myself. MRS TARLETON. Poor lad! No wonder, after all youve gone through! You want to eat a little and to lie down. You come with me. I want you to tell me about your poor dear mother and about yourself. Come along with me. _[She leads the way to the inner door]._ GUNNER. _[following her obediently]_ Thank you kindly, madam. _[She goes out. Before passing out after her, he partly closes the door and stops an the landing for a moment to say]_ Mind: I'm not knuckling down to any man here. I knuckle down to Mrs Tarleton because shes a woman in a thousand. I affirm my manhood all the same. Understand: I dont give a damn for the lot of you. _[He hurries out, rather afraid of the consequences of this defiance, which has provoked Johnny to an impatient movement towards him]._ HYPATIA. Thank goodness hes gone! Oh, what a bore! WHAT a bore!!! Talk, talk, talk! TARLETON. Patsy: it's no good. We're going to talk. And we're going to talk about you. JOHNNY. It's no use shirking it, Pat. We'd better know where we are. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Come, Miss Tarleton. Wont you sit down? I'm very tired of standing. _[Hypatia comes from the pavilion and takes a chair at the worktable. Lord Summerhays takes the opposite chair, on her right. Percival takes the chair Johnny placed for Lina on her arrival. Tarleton sits down at the end of the writing table. Johnny remains standing. Lord Summerhays continues, with a sigh of relief at being seated.]_ We shall now get the change of subject we are all pining for. JOHNNY. _[puzzled]_ Whats that? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The great question. The question that men and women will spend hours over without complaining. The question that occupies all the novel readers and all the playgoers. The question they never get tired of. JOHNNY. But what question? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question which particular young man some young woman will mate with. PERCIVAL. As if it mattered! HYPATIA. _[sharply]_ Whats that you said? PERCIVAL. I said: As if it mattered. HYPATIA. I call that ungentlemanly. PERCIVAL. Do you care about that? you who are so magnificently unladylike! JOHNNY. Look here, Mr Percival: youre not supposed to insult my sister. HYPATIA. Oh, shut up, Johnny. I can take care of myself. Dont you interfere. JOHNNY. Oh, very well. If you choose to give yourself away like that--to allow a man to call you unladylike and then to be unladylike, Ive nothing more to say. HYPATIA. I think Mr Percival is most ungentlemanly; but I wont be protected. I'll not have my affairs interfered with by men on pretence of protecting me. I'm not your baby. If I interfered between you and a woman, you would soon tell me to mind my own business. TARLETON. Children: dont squabble. Read Dr Watts. Behave yourselves. JOHNNY. Ive nothing more to say; and as I dont seem to be wanted here, I shall take myself off. _[He goes out with affected calm through the pavilion]._ TARLETON. Summerhays: a family is an awful thing, an impossible thing. Cat and dog. Patsy: I'm ashamed of you. HYPATIA. I'll make it up with Johnny afterwards; but I really cant have him here sticking his clumsy hoof into my affairs. LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question is, Mr Percival, are you really a gentleman, or are you not? PERCIVAL. Was Napoleon really a gentleman or was he not? He made the lady get out of the way of the porter and said, "Respect the burden, madam." That was behaving like a very fine gentleman; but he kicked Volney for saying that what France wanted was the Bourbons back again. That was behaving rather like a navvy. Now I, like Napoleon, am not all one piece. On occasion, as you have all seen, I can behave like a gentleman. On occasion, I can behave with a brutal simplicity which Miss Tarleton herself could hardly surpass. TARLETON. Gentleman or no gentleman, Patsy: what are your intentions? HYPATIA. My intentions! Surely it's the gentleman who should be asked his intentions. TARLETON. Come now, Patsy! none of that nonsense. Has Mr Percival said anything to you that I ought to know or that Bentley ought to know? Have you said anything to Mr Percival? HYPATIA. Mr Percival chased me through the heather and kissed me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. As a gentleman, Mr Percival, what do you say to that? PERCIVAL. As a gentleman, I do not kiss and tell. As a mere man: a mere cad, if you like, I say that I did so at Miss Tarleton's own suggestion. HYPATIA. Beast! PERCIVAL. I dont deny that I enjoyed it. But I did not initiate it. And I began by running away. TARLETON. So Patsy can run faster than you, can she? PERCIVAL. Yes, when she is in pursuit of me. She runs faster and faster. I run slower and slower. And these woods of yours are full of magic. There was a confounded fern owl. Did you ever hear the churr of a fern owl? Did you ever hear it create a sudden silence by ceasing? Did you ever hear it call its mate by striking its wings together twice and whistling that single note that no nightingale can imitate? That is what happened in the woods when I was running away. So I turned; and the pursuer became the pursued. HYPATIA. I had to fight like a wild cat. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Please dont tell us this. It's not fit for old people to hear. TARLETON. Come: how did it end? HYPATIA. It's not ended yet. TARLETON. How is it going to end? HYPATIA. Ask him. TARLETON. How is it going to end, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. I cant afford to marry, Mr Tarleton. Ive only a thousand a year until my father dies. Two people cant possibly live on that. TARLETON. Oh, cant they? When _I_ married, I should have been jolly glad to have felt sure of the quarter of it. PERCIVAL. No doubt; but I am not a cheap person, Mr Tarleton. I was brought up in a household which cost at least seven or eight times that; and I am in constant money difficulties because I simply dont know how to live on the thousand a year scale. As to ask a woman to share my degrading poverty, it's out of the question. Besides, I'm rather young to marry. I'm only 28. HYPATIA. Papa: buy the brute for me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[shrinking]_ My dear Miss Tarleton: dont be so naughty. I know how delightful it is to shock an old man; but there is a point at which it becomes barbarous. Dont. Please dont. HYPATIA. Shall I tell Papa about you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Tarleton: I had better tell you that I once asked your daughter to become my widow. TARLETON. _[to Hypatia]_ Why didnt you accept him, you young idiot? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I was too old. TARLETON. All this has been going on under my nose, I suppose. You run after young men; and old men run after you. And I'm the last person in the world to hear of it. HYPATIA. How could I tell you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Parents and children, Tarleton. TARLETON. Oh, the gulf that lies between them! the impassable, eternal gulf! And so I'm to buy the brute for you, eh? HYPATIA. If you please, papa. TARLETON. Whats the price, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. We might do with another fifteen hundred if my father would contribute. But I should like more. TARLETON. It's purely a question of money with you, is it? PERCIVAL. _[after a moment's consideration]_ Practically yes: it turns on that. TARLETON. I thought you might have some sort of preference for Patsy, you know. PERCIVAL. Well, but does that matter, do you think? Patsy fascinates me, no doubt. I apparently fascinate Patsy. But, believe me, all that is not worth considering. One of my three fathers (the priest) has married hundreds of couples: couples selected by one another, couples selected by the parents, couples forced to marry one another by circumstances of one kind or another; and he assures me that if marriages were made by putting all the men's names into one sack and the women's names into another, and having them taken out by a blindfolded child like lottery numbers, there would be just as high a percentage of happy marriages as we have here in England. He said Cupid was nothing but the blindfolded child: pretty idea that, I think! I shall have as good a chance with Patsy as with anyone else. Mind: I'm not bigoted about it. I'm not a doctrinaire: not the slave of a theory. You and Lord Summerhays are experienced married men. If you can tell me of any trustworthy method of selecting a wife, I shall be happy to make use of it. I await your suggestions. _[He looks with polite attention to Lord Summerhays, who, having nothing to say, avoids his eye. He looks to Tarleton, who purses his lips glumly and rattles his money in his pockets without a word]._ Apparently neither of you has anything to suggest. Then Patsy will do as well as another, provided the money is forthcoming. HYPATIA. Oh, you beauty, you beauty! TARLETON. When I married Patsy's mother, I was in love with her. PERCIVAL. For the first time? TARLETON. Yes: for the first time. PERCIVAL. For the last time? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[revolted]_ Sir: you are in the presence of his daughter. HYPATIA. Oh, dont mind me. I dont care. I'm accustomed to Papa's adventures. TARLETON. _[blushing painfully]_ Patsy, my child: that was not--not delicate. HYPATIA. Well, papa, youve never shewn any delicacy in talking to me about my conduct; and I really dont see why I shouldnt talk to you about yours. It's such nonsense! Do you think young people dont know? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I'm sure they dont feel. Tarleton: this is too horrible, too brutal. If neither of these young people have any--any--any-- PERCIVAL. Shall we say paternal sentimentality? I'm extremely sorry to shock you; but you must remember that Ive been educated to discuss human affairs with three fathers simultaneously. I'm an adult person. Patsy is an adult person. You do not inspire me with veneration. Apparently you do not inspire Patsy with veneration. That may surprise you. It may pain you. I'm sorry. It cant be helped. What about the money? TARLETON. You dont inspire me with generosity, young man. HYPATIA. _[laughing with genuine amusement]_ He had you there, Joey. TARLETON. I havnt been a bad father to you, Patsy. HYPATIA. I dont say you have, dear. If only I could persuade you Ive grown up, we should get along perfectly. TARLETON. Do you remember Bill Burt? HYPATIA. Why? TARLETON. _[to the others]_ Bill Burt was a laborer here. I was going to sack him for kicking his father. He said his father had kicked him until he was big enough to kick back. Patsy begged him off. I asked that man what it felt like the first time he kicked his father, and found that it was just like kicking any other man. He laughed and said that it was the old man that knew what it felt like. Think of that, Summerhays! think of that! HYPATIA. I havnt kicked you, papa. TARLETON. Youve kicked me harder than Bill Burt ever kicked. LORD SUMMERHAYS. It's no use, Tarleton. Spare yourself. Do you seriously expect these young people, at their age, to sympathize with what this gentleman calls your paternal sentimentality? TARLETON. _[wistfully]_ Is it nothing to you but paternal sentimentality, Patsy? HYPATIA. Well, I greatly prefer your superabundant vitality, papa. TARLETON. _[violently]_ Hold your tongue, you young devil. The young are all alike: hard, coarse, shallow, cruel, selfish, dirty-minded. You can clear out of my house as soon as you can coax him to take you; and the sooner the better. _[To Percival]_ I think you said your price was fifteen hundred a year. Take it. And I wish you joy of your bargain. PERCIVAL. If you wish to know who I am-- TARLETON. I dont care a tinker's curse who you are or what you are. Youre willing to take that girl off my hands for fifteen hundred a year: thats all that concerns me. Tell her who you are if you like: it's her affair,

makes

How many times the word 'makes' appears in the text?

Do you consider that sufficient, Lord Summerhays? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh quite, quite. PERCIVAL. _[to Hypatia]_ Lord Summerhays would probably like to hear you say that you are satisfied, Miss Tarleton. HYPATIA. _[coming out of the swing, and advancing between Percival and Lord Summerhays]_ I must say that you have behaved like a perfect gentleman, Mr. Percival. PERCIVAL. _[first bowing to Hypatia, and then turning with cold contempt to Gunner, who is standing helpless]_ We need not trouble you any further. _[Gunner turns vaguely towards the pavilion]._ JOHNNY _[with less refined offensiveness, pointing to the pavilion]_ Thats your way. The gardener will shew you the shortest way into the road. Go the shortest way. GUNNER. _[oppressed and disconcerted, hardly knows how to get out of the room]_ Yes, sir. I-- _[He turns again, appealing to Tarleton]_ Maynt I have my mother's photographs back again? _[Mrs Tarleton pricks up her ears]._ TARLETON. Eh? What? Oh, the photographs! Yes, yes, yes: take them. _[Gunner takes them from the table, and is creeping away, when Mrs Tarleton puts out her hand and stops him]._ MRS TARLETON. Whats this, John? What were you doing with his mother's photographs? TARLETON. Nothing, nothing. Never mind, Chickabiddy: it's all right. MRS TARLETON. _[snatching the photographs from Gunner's irresolute fingers, and recognizing them at a glance]_ Lucy Titmus! Oh John, John! TARLETON. _[grimly, to Gunner]_ Young man: youre a fool; but youve just put the lid on this job in a masterly manner. I knew you would. I told you all to let well alone. You wouldnt; and now you must take the consequences--or rather _I_ must take them. MRS TARLETON. _[to Gunner]_ Are you Lucy's son? GUNNER. Yes. MRS TARLETON. And why didnt you come to me? I didnt turn my back on your mother when she came to me in her trouble. Didnt you know that? GUNNER. No. She never talked to me about anything. TARLETON. How could she talk to her own son? Shy, Summerhays, shy. Parent and child. Shy. _[He sits down at the end of the writing table nearest the sideboard like a man resigned to anything that fate may have in store for him]._ MRS TARLETON. Then how did you find out? GUNNER. From her papers after she died. MRS TARLETON. _[shocked]_ Is Lucy dead? And I never knew! _[With an effusion of tenderness]_ And you here being treated like that, poor orphan, with nobody to take your part! Tear up that foolish paper, child; and sit down and make friends with me. JOHNNY. | Hallo, mother this is all very well, you know-- | PERCIVAL. | But may I point out, Mrs Tarleton, that-- | BENTLEY. | Do you mean that after what he said of-- | HYPATIA. | Oh, look here, mamma: this is really-- MRS TARLETON. Will you please speak one at a time? _Silence._ PERCIVAL _[in a very gentlemanly manner]_ Will you allow me to remind you, Mrs Tarleton, that this man has uttered a most serious and disgraceful falsehood concerning Miss Tarleton and myself? MRS TARLETON. I dont believe a word of it. If the poor lad was there in the Turkish bath, who has a better right to say what was going on here than he has? You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Patsy; and so ought you too, Mr Percival, for encouraging her. _[Hypatia retreats to the pavilion, and exchanges grimaces with Johnny, shamelessly enjoying Percival's sudden reverse. They know their mother]._ PERCIVAL. _[gasping]_ Mrs Tarleton: I give you my word of honor-- MRS TARLETON. Oh, go along with you and your word of honor. Do you think I'm a fool? I wonder you can look the lad in the face after bullying him and making him sign those wicked lies; and all the time you carrying on with my daughter before youd been half an hour in my house. Fie, for shame! PERCIVAL. Lord Summerhays: I appeal to you. Have I done the correct thing or not? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Youve done your best, Mr Percival. But the correct thing depends for its success on everybody playing the game very strictly. As a single-handed game, it's impossible. BENTLEY. _[suddenly breaking out lamentably]_ Joey: have you taken Hypatia away from me? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[severely]_ Bentley! Bentley! Control yourself, sir. TARLETON. Come, Mr Percival! the shutters are up on the gentlemanly business. Try the truth. PERCIVAL. I am in a wretched position. If I tell the truth nobody will believe me. TARLETON. Oh yes they will. The truth makes everybody believe it. PERCIVAL. It also makes everybody pretend not to believe it. Mrs Tarleton: youre not playing the game. MRS TARLETON. I dont think youve behaved at all nicely, Mr Percival. BENTLEY. I wouldnt have played you such a dirty trick, Joey. _[Struggling with a sob]_ You beast. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Bentley: you must control yourself. Let me say at the same time, Mr Percival, that my son seems to have been mistaken in regarding you either as his friend or as a gentleman. PERCIVAL. Miss Tarleton: I'm suffering this for your sake. I ask you just to say that I am not to blame. Just that and nothing more. HYPATIA. _[gloating mischievously over his distress]_ You chased me through the heather and kissed me. You shouldnt have done that if you were not in earnest. PERCIVAL. Oh, this is really the limit. _[Turning desperately to Gunner]_ Sir: I appeal to you. As a gentleman! as a man of honor! as a man bound to stand by another man! You were in that Turkish bath. You saw how it began. Could any man have behaved more correctly than I did? Is there a shadow of foundation for the accusations brought against me? GUNNER. _[sorely perplexed]_ Well, what do you want me to say? JOHNNY. He has said what he had to say already, hasnt he? Read that paper. GUNNER. When I tell the truth, you make me go back on it. And now you want me to go back on myself! What is a man to do? PERCIVAL. _[patiently]_ Please try to get your mind clear, Mr Brown. I pointed out to you that you could not, as a gentleman, disparage a lady's character. You agree with me, I hope. GUNNER. Yes: that sounds all right. PERCIVAL. But youre also bound to tell the truth. Surely youll not deny that. GUNNER. Who's denying it? I say nothing against it. PERCIVAL. Of course not. Well, I ask you to tell the truth simply and unaffectedly. Did you witness any improper conduct on my part when you were in the bath? GUNNER. No, sir. JOHNNY. | Then what do you mean by saying that-- | HYPATIA. | Do you mean to say that I-- | BENTLEY. | Oh, you are a rotter. Youre afraid-- TARLETON. _[rising]_ Stop. _[Silence]._ Leave it at that. Enough said. You keep quiet, Johnny. Mr Percival: youre whitewashed. So are you, Patsy. Honors are easy. Lets drop the subject. The next thing to do is to open a subscription to start this young man on a ranch in some far country thats accustomed to be in a disturbed state. He-- MRS TARLETON. Now stop joking the poor lad, John: I wont have it. Has been worried to death between you all. _[To Gunner]_ Have you had your tea? GUNNER. Tea? No: it's too early. I'm all right; only I had no dinner: I didnt think I'd want it. I didnt think I'd be alive. MRS TARLETON. Oh, what a thing to say! You mustnt talk like that. JOHNNY. Hes out of his mind. He thinks it's past dinner-time. MRS TARLETON. Oh, youve no sense, Johnny. He calls his lunch his dinner, and has his tea at half-past six. Havnt you, dear? GUNNER. _[timidly]_ Hasnt everybody? JOHNNY. _[laughing]_ Well, by George, thats not bad. MRS TARLETON. Now dont be rude, Johnny: you know I dont like it. _[To Gunner]_ A cup of tea will pick you up. GUNNER. I'd rather not. I'm all right. TARLETON. _[going to the sideboard]_ Here! try a mouthful of sloe gin. GUNNER. No, thanks. I'm a teetotaler. I cant touch alcohol in any form. TARLETON. Nonsense! This isnt alcohol. Sloe gin. Vegetarian, you know. GUNNER. _[hesitating]_ Is it a fruit beverage? TARLETON. Of course it is. Fruit beverage. Here you are. _[He gives him a glass of sloe gin]._ GUNNER. _[going to the sideboard]_ Thanks. _[he begins to drink it confidently; but the first mouthful startles and almost chokes him]._ It's rather hot. TARLETON. Do you good. Dont be afraid of it. MRS TARLETON. _[going to him]_ Sip it, dear. Dont be in a hurry. _Gunner sips slowly, each sip making his eyes water._ JOHNNY. _[coming forward into the place left vacant by Gunner's visit to the sideboard]_ Well, now that the gentleman has been attended to, I should like to know where we are. It may be a vulgar business habit; but I confess I like to know where I am. TARLETON. I dont. Wherever you are, youre there anyhow. I tell you again, leave it at that. BENTLEY. I want to know too. Hypatia's engaged to me. HYPATIA. Bentley: if you insult me again--if you say another word, I'll leave the house and not enter it until you leave it. JOHNNY. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, my boy. BENTLEY. _[inarticulate with fury and suppressed tears]_ Oh! Beasts! Brutes! MRS TARLETON. Now dont hurt his feelings, poor little lamb! LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[very sternly]_ Bentley: you are not behaving well. You had better leave us until you have recovered yourself. _Bentley goes out in disgrace, but gets no further than half way to the pavilion door, when, with a wild sob, he throws himself on the floor and begins to yell._ MRS TARLETON. | _[running to him]_ Oh, poor child, | poor child! Dont cry, duckie: | he didnt mean it: dont cry. | LORD SUMMERHAYS| Stop that infernal noise, sir: do you | hear? Stop it instantly. | JOHNNY. | Thats the game he tried on me. | There you are! Now, mother! | Now, Patsy! You see for yourselves. | HYPATIA. | _[covering her ears]_ Oh you little | wretch! Stop him, Mr Percival. Kick him. | TARLETON. | Steady on, steady on. Easy, Bunny, easy. LINA. Leave him to me, Mrs Tarleton. Stand clear, please. _She kneels opposite Bentley; quickly lifts the upper half of him from the ground; dives under him; rises with his body hanging across her shoulders; and runs out with him._ BENTLEY. _[in scared, sobered, humble tones as he is borne off]_ What are you doing? Let me down. Please, Miss Szczepanowska-- _[they pass out of hearing]._ _An awestruck silence falls on the company as they speculate on Bentley's fate._ JOHNNY. I wonder what shes going to do with him. HYPATIA. Spank him, I hope. Spank him hard. LORD SUMMERHAYS. I hope so. I hope so. Tarleton: I'm beyond measure humiliated and annoyed by my son's behavior in your house. I had better take him home. TARLETON. Not at all: not at all. Now, Chickabiddy: as Miss Lina has taken away Ben, suppose you take away Mr Brown for a while. GUNNER. _[with unexpected aggressiveness]_ My name isnt Brown. _[They stare at him: he meets their stare defiantly, pugnacious with sloe gin; drains the last drop from his glass; throws it on the sideboard; and advances to the writing table]._ My name's Baker: Julius Baker. Mister Baker. If any man doubts it, I'm ready for him. MRS TARLETON. John: you shouldnt have given him that sloe gin. It's gone to his head. GUNNER. Dont you think it. Fruit beverages dont go to the head; and what matter if they did? I say nothing to you, maam: I regard you with respect and affection. _[Lachrymosely]_ You were very good to my mother: my poor mother! _[Relapsing into his daring mood]_ But I say my name's Baker; and I'm not to be treated as a child or made a slave of by any man. Baker is my name. Did you think I was going to give you my real name? Not likely. Not me. TARLETON. So you thought of John Brown. That was clever of you. GUNNER. Clever! Yes: we're not all such fools as you think: we clerks. It was the bookkeeper put me up to that. It's the only name that nobody gives as a false name, he said. Clever, eh? I should think so. MRS TARLETON. Come now, Julius-- GUNNER. _[reassuring her gravely]_ Dont you be alarmed, maam. I know what is due to you as a lady and to myself as a gentleman. I regard you with respect and affection. If you had been my mother, as you ought to have been, I should have had more chance. But you shall have no cause to be ashamed of me. The strength of a chain is no greater than its weakest link; but the greatness of a poet is the greatness of his greatest moment. Shakespear used to get drunk. Frederick the Great ran away from a battle. But it was what they could rise to, not what they could sink to, that made them great. They werent good always; but they were good on their day. Well, on my day--on my day, mind you--I'm good for something too. I know that Ive made a silly exhibition of myself here. I know I didnt rise to the occasion. I know that if youd been my mother, youd have been ashamed of me. I lost my presence of mind: I was a contemptible coward. But _[slapping himself on the chest]_ I'm not the man I was then. This is my day. Ive seen the tenth possessor of a foolish face carried out kicking and screaming by a woman. _[To Percival]_ You crowed pretty big over me. You hypnotized me. But when you were put through the fire yourself, you were found wanting. I tell you straight I dont give a damn for you. MRS TARLETON. No: thats naughty. You shouldnt say that before me. GUNNER. I would cut my tongue out sooner than say anything vulgar in your presence; for I regard you with respect and affection. I was not swearing. I was affirming my manhood. MRS TARLETON. What an idea! What puts all these things into your head? GUNNER. Oh, dont you think, because I'm a clerk, that I'm not one of the intellectuals. I'm a reading man, a thinking man. I read in a book--a high class six shilling book--this precept: Affirm your manhood. It appealed to me. Ive always remembered it. I believe in it. I feel I must do it to recover your respect after my cowardly behavior. Therefore I affirm it in your presence. I tell that man who insulted me that I dont give a damn for him. And neither I do. TARLETON. I say, Summerhays: did you have chaps of this sort in Jinghiskahn? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh yes: they exist everywhere: they are a most serious modern problem. GUNNER. Yes. Youre right. _[Conceitedly]_ I'm a problem. And I tell you that when we clerks realize that we're problems! well, look out: thats all. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[suavely, to Gunner]_ You read a great deal, you say? GUNNER. Ive read more than any man in this room, if the truth were known, I expect. Thats whats going to smash up your Capitalism. The problems are beginning to read. Ha! We're free to do that here in England. What would you do with me in Jinghiskahn if you had me there? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Well, since you ask me so directly, I'll tell you. I should take advantage of the fact that you have neither sense enough nor strength enough to know how to behave yourself in a difficulty of any sort. I should warn an intelligent and ambitious policeman that you are a troublesome person. The intelligent and ambitious policeman would take an early opportunity of upsetting your temper by ordering you to move on, and treading on your heels until you were provoked into obstructing an officer in the discharge of his duty. Any trifle of that sort would be sufficient to make a man like you lose your self-possession and put yourself in the wrong. You would then be charged and imprisoned until things quieted down. GUNNER. And you call that justice! LORD SUMMERHAYS. No. Justice was not my business. I had to govern a province; and I took the necessary steps to maintain order in it. Men are not governed by justice, but by law or persuasion. When they refuse to be governed by law or persuasion, they have to be governed by force or fraud, or both. I used both when law and persuasion failed me. Every ruler of men since the world began has done so, even when he has hated both fraud and force as heartily as I do. It is as well that you should know this, my young friend; so that you may recognize in time that anarchism is a game at which the police can beat you. What have you to say to that? GUNNER. What have I to say to it! Well, I call it scandalous: thats what I have to say to it. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Precisely: thats all anybody has to say to it, except the British public, which pretends not to believe it. And now let me ask you a sympathetic personal question. Havnt you a headache? GUNNER. Well, since you ask me, I have. Ive overexcited myself. MRS TARLETON. Poor lad! No wonder, after all youve gone through! You want to eat a little and to lie down. You come with me. I want you to tell me about your poor dear mother and about yourself. Come along with me. _[She leads the way to the inner door]._ GUNNER. _[following her obediently]_ Thank you kindly, madam. _[She goes out. Before passing out after her, he partly closes the door and stops an the landing for a moment to say]_ Mind: I'm not knuckling down to any man here. I knuckle down to Mrs Tarleton because shes a woman in a thousand. I affirm my manhood all the same. Understand: I dont give a damn for the lot of you. _[He hurries out, rather afraid of the consequences of this defiance, which has provoked Johnny to an impatient movement towards him]._ HYPATIA. Thank goodness hes gone! Oh, what a bore! WHAT a bore!!! Talk, talk, talk! TARLETON. Patsy: it's no good. We're going to talk. And we're going to talk about you. JOHNNY. It's no use shirking it, Pat. We'd better know where we are. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Come, Miss Tarleton. Wont you sit down? I'm very tired of standing. _[Hypatia comes from the pavilion and takes a chair at the worktable. Lord Summerhays takes the opposite chair, on her right. Percival takes the chair Johnny placed for Lina on her arrival. Tarleton sits down at the end of the writing table. Johnny remains standing. Lord Summerhays continues, with a sigh of relief at being seated.]_ We shall now get the change of subject we are all pining for. JOHNNY. _[puzzled]_ Whats that? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The great question. The question that men and women will spend hours over without complaining. The question that occupies all the novel readers and all the playgoers. The question they never get tired of. JOHNNY. But what question? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question which particular young man some young woman will mate with. PERCIVAL. As if it mattered! HYPATIA. _[sharply]_ Whats that you said? PERCIVAL. I said: As if it mattered. HYPATIA. I call that ungentlemanly. PERCIVAL. Do you care about that? you who are so magnificently unladylike! JOHNNY. Look here, Mr Percival: youre not supposed to insult my sister. HYPATIA. Oh, shut up, Johnny. I can take care of myself. Dont you interfere. JOHNNY. Oh, very well. If you choose to give yourself away like that--to allow a man to call you unladylike and then to be unladylike, Ive nothing more to say. HYPATIA. I think Mr Percival is most ungentlemanly; but I wont be protected. I'll not have my affairs interfered with by men on pretence of protecting me. I'm not your baby. If I interfered between you and a woman, you would soon tell me to mind my own business. TARLETON. Children: dont squabble. Read Dr Watts. Behave yourselves. JOHNNY. Ive nothing more to say; and as I dont seem to be wanted here, I shall take myself off. _[He goes out with affected calm through the pavilion]._ TARLETON. Summerhays: a family is an awful thing, an impossible thing. Cat and dog. Patsy: I'm ashamed of you. HYPATIA. I'll make it up with Johnny afterwards; but I really cant have him here sticking his clumsy hoof into my affairs. LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question is, Mr Percival, are you really a gentleman, or are you not? PERCIVAL. Was Napoleon really a gentleman or was he not? He made the lady get out of the way of the porter and said, "Respect the burden, madam." That was behaving like a very fine gentleman; but he kicked Volney for saying that what France wanted was the Bourbons back again. That was behaving rather like a navvy. Now I, like Napoleon, am not all one piece. On occasion, as you have all seen, I can behave like a gentleman. On occasion, I can behave with a brutal simplicity which Miss Tarleton herself could hardly surpass. TARLETON. Gentleman or no gentleman, Patsy: what are your intentions? HYPATIA. My intentions! Surely it's the gentleman who should be asked his intentions. TARLETON. Come now, Patsy! none of that nonsense. Has Mr Percival said anything to you that I ought to know or that Bentley ought to know? Have you said anything to Mr Percival? HYPATIA. Mr Percival chased me through the heather and kissed me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. As a gentleman, Mr Percival, what do you say to that? PERCIVAL. As a gentleman, I do not kiss and tell. As a mere man: a mere cad, if you like, I say that I did so at Miss Tarleton's own suggestion. HYPATIA. Beast! PERCIVAL. I dont deny that I enjoyed it. But I did not initiate it. And I began by running away. TARLETON. So Patsy can run faster than you, can she? PERCIVAL. Yes, when she is in pursuit of me. She runs faster and faster. I run slower and slower. And these woods of yours are full of magic. There was a confounded fern owl. Did you ever hear the churr of a fern owl? Did you ever hear it create a sudden silence by ceasing? Did you ever hear it call its mate by striking its wings together twice and whistling that single note that no nightingale can imitate? That is what happened in the woods when I was running away. So I turned; and the pursuer became the pursued. HYPATIA. I had to fight like a wild cat. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Please dont tell us this. It's not fit for old people to hear. TARLETON. Come: how did it end? HYPATIA. It's not ended yet. TARLETON. How is it going to end? HYPATIA. Ask him. TARLETON. How is it going to end, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. I cant afford to marry, Mr Tarleton. Ive only a thousand a year until my father dies. Two people cant possibly live on that. TARLETON. Oh, cant they? When _I_ married, I should have been jolly glad to have felt sure of the quarter of it. PERCIVAL. No doubt; but I am not a cheap person, Mr Tarleton. I was brought up in a household which cost at least seven or eight times that; and I am in constant money difficulties because I simply dont know how to live on the thousand a year scale. As to ask a woman to share my degrading poverty, it's out of the question. Besides, I'm rather young to marry. I'm only 28. HYPATIA. Papa: buy the brute for me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[shrinking]_ My dear Miss Tarleton: dont be so naughty. I know how delightful it is to shock an old man; but there is a point at which it becomes barbarous. Dont. Please dont. HYPATIA. Shall I tell Papa about you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Tarleton: I had better tell you that I once asked your daughter to become my widow. TARLETON. _[to Hypatia]_ Why didnt you accept him, you young idiot? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I was too old. TARLETON. All this has been going on under my nose, I suppose. You run after young men; and old men run after you. And I'm the last person in the world to hear of it. HYPATIA. How could I tell you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Parents and children, Tarleton. TARLETON. Oh, the gulf that lies between them! the impassable, eternal gulf! And so I'm to buy the brute for you, eh? HYPATIA. If you please, papa. TARLETON. Whats the price, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. We might do with another fifteen hundred if my father would contribute. But I should like more. TARLETON. It's purely a question of money with you, is it? PERCIVAL. _[after a moment's consideration]_ Practically yes: it turns on that. TARLETON. I thought you might have some sort of preference for Patsy, you know. PERCIVAL. Well, but does that matter, do you think? Patsy fascinates me, no doubt. I apparently fascinate Patsy. But, believe me, all that is not worth considering. One of my three fathers (the priest) has married hundreds of couples: couples selected by one another, couples selected by the parents, couples forced to marry one another by circumstances of one kind or another; and he assures me that if marriages were made by putting all the men's names into one sack and the women's names into another, and having them taken out by a blindfolded child like lottery numbers, there would be just as high a percentage of happy marriages as we have here in England. He said Cupid was nothing but the blindfolded child: pretty idea that, I think! I shall have as good a chance with Patsy as with anyone else. Mind: I'm not bigoted about it. I'm not a doctrinaire: not the slave of a theory. You and Lord Summerhays are experienced married men. If you can tell me of any trustworthy method of selecting a wife, I shall be happy to make use of it. I await your suggestions. _[He looks with polite attention to Lord Summerhays, who, having nothing to say, avoids his eye. He looks to Tarleton, who purses his lips glumly and rattles his money in his pockets without a word]._ Apparently neither of you has anything to suggest. Then Patsy will do as well as another, provided the money is forthcoming. HYPATIA. Oh, you beauty, you beauty! TARLETON. When I married Patsy's mother, I was in love with her. PERCIVAL. For the first time? TARLETON. Yes: for the first time. PERCIVAL. For the last time? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[revolted]_ Sir: you are in the presence of his daughter. HYPATIA. Oh, dont mind me. I dont care. I'm accustomed to Papa's adventures. TARLETON. _[blushing painfully]_ Patsy, my child: that was not--not delicate. HYPATIA. Well, papa, youve never shewn any delicacy in talking to me about my conduct; and I really dont see why I shouldnt talk to you about yours. It's such nonsense! Do you think young people dont know? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I'm sure they dont feel. Tarleton: this is too horrible, too brutal. If neither of these young people have any--any--any-- PERCIVAL. Shall we say paternal sentimentality? I'm extremely sorry to shock you; but you must remember that Ive been educated to discuss human affairs with three fathers simultaneously. I'm an adult person. Patsy is an adult person. You do not inspire me with veneration. Apparently you do not inspire Patsy with veneration. That may surprise you. It may pain you. I'm sorry. It cant be helped. What about the money? TARLETON. You dont inspire me with generosity, young man. HYPATIA. _[laughing with genuine amusement]_ He had you there, Joey. TARLETON. I havnt been a bad father to you, Patsy. HYPATIA. I dont say you have, dear. If only I could persuade you Ive grown up, we should get along perfectly. TARLETON. Do you remember Bill Burt? HYPATIA. Why? TARLETON. _[to the others]_ Bill Burt was a laborer here. I was going to sack him for kicking his father. He said his father had kicked him until he was big enough to kick back. Patsy begged him off. I asked that man what it felt like the first time he kicked his father, and found that it was just like kicking any other man. He laughed and said that it was the old man that knew what it felt like. Think of that, Summerhays! think of that! HYPATIA. I havnt kicked you, papa. TARLETON. Youve kicked me harder than Bill Burt ever kicked. LORD SUMMERHAYS. It's no use, Tarleton. Spare yourself. Do you seriously expect these young people, at their age, to sympathize with what this gentleman calls your paternal sentimentality? TARLETON. _[wistfully]_ Is it nothing to you but paternal sentimentality, Patsy? HYPATIA. Well, I greatly prefer your superabundant vitality, papa. TARLETON. _[violently]_ Hold your tongue, you young devil. The young are all alike: hard, coarse, shallow, cruel, selfish, dirty-minded. You can clear out of my house as soon as you can coax him to take you; and the sooner the better. _[To Percival]_ I think you said your price was fifteen hundred a year. Take it. And I wish you joy of your bargain. PERCIVAL. If you wish to know who I am-- TARLETON. I dont care a tinker's curse who you are or what you are. Youre willing to take that girl off my hands for fifteen hundred a year: thats all that concerns me. Tell her who you are if you like: it's her affair,

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How many times the word 'written' appears in the text?

Do you consider that sufficient, Lord Summerhays? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh quite, quite. PERCIVAL. _[to Hypatia]_ Lord Summerhays would probably like to hear you say that you are satisfied, Miss Tarleton. HYPATIA. _[coming out of the swing, and advancing between Percival and Lord Summerhays]_ I must say that you have behaved like a perfect gentleman, Mr. Percival. PERCIVAL. _[first bowing to Hypatia, and then turning with cold contempt to Gunner, who is standing helpless]_ We need not trouble you any further. _[Gunner turns vaguely towards the pavilion]._ JOHNNY _[with less refined offensiveness, pointing to the pavilion]_ Thats your way. The gardener will shew you the shortest way into the road. Go the shortest way. GUNNER. _[oppressed and disconcerted, hardly knows how to get out of the room]_ Yes, sir. I-- _[He turns again, appealing to Tarleton]_ Maynt I have my mother's photographs back again? _[Mrs Tarleton pricks up her ears]._ TARLETON. Eh? What? Oh, the photographs! Yes, yes, yes: take them. _[Gunner takes them from the table, and is creeping away, when Mrs Tarleton puts out her hand and stops him]._ MRS TARLETON. Whats this, John? What were you doing with his mother's photographs? TARLETON. Nothing, nothing. Never mind, Chickabiddy: it's all right. MRS TARLETON. _[snatching the photographs from Gunner's irresolute fingers, and recognizing them at a glance]_ Lucy Titmus! Oh John, John! TARLETON. _[grimly, to Gunner]_ Young man: youre a fool; but youve just put the lid on this job in a masterly manner. I knew you would. I told you all to let well alone. You wouldnt; and now you must take the consequences--or rather _I_ must take them. MRS TARLETON. _[to Gunner]_ Are you Lucy's son? GUNNER. Yes. MRS TARLETON. And why didnt you come to me? I didnt turn my back on your mother when she came to me in her trouble. Didnt you know that? GUNNER. No. She never talked to me about anything. TARLETON. How could she talk to her own son? Shy, Summerhays, shy. Parent and child. Shy. _[He sits down at the end of the writing table nearest the sideboard like a man resigned to anything that fate may have in store for him]._ MRS TARLETON. Then how did you find out? GUNNER. From her papers after she died. MRS TARLETON. _[shocked]_ Is Lucy dead? And I never knew! _[With an effusion of tenderness]_ And you here being treated like that, poor orphan, with nobody to take your part! Tear up that foolish paper, child; and sit down and make friends with me. JOHNNY. | Hallo, mother this is all very well, you know-- | PERCIVAL. | But may I point out, Mrs Tarleton, that-- | BENTLEY. | Do you mean that after what he said of-- | HYPATIA. | Oh, look here, mamma: this is really-- MRS TARLETON. Will you please speak one at a time? _Silence._ PERCIVAL _[in a very gentlemanly manner]_ Will you allow me to remind you, Mrs Tarleton, that this man has uttered a most serious and disgraceful falsehood concerning Miss Tarleton and myself? MRS TARLETON. I dont believe a word of it. If the poor lad was there in the Turkish bath, who has a better right to say what was going on here than he has? You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Patsy; and so ought you too, Mr Percival, for encouraging her. _[Hypatia retreats to the pavilion, and exchanges grimaces with Johnny, shamelessly enjoying Percival's sudden reverse. They know their mother]._ PERCIVAL. _[gasping]_ Mrs Tarleton: I give you my word of honor-- MRS TARLETON. Oh, go along with you and your word of honor. Do you think I'm a fool? I wonder you can look the lad in the face after bullying him and making him sign those wicked lies; and all the time you carrying on with my daughter before youd been half an hour in my house. Fie, for shame! PERCIVAL. Lord Summerhays: I appeal to you. Have I done the correct thing or not? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Youve done your best, Mr Percival. But the correct thing depends for its success on everybody playing the game very strictly. As a single-handed game, it's impossible. BENTLEY. _[suddenly breaking out lamentably]_ Joey: have you taken Hypatia away from me? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[severely]_ Bentley! Bentley! Control yourself, sir. TARLETON. Come, Mr Percival! the shutters are up on the gentlemanly business. Try the truth. PERCIVAL. I am in a wretched position. If I tell the truth nobody will believe me. TARLETON. Oh yes they will. The truth makes everybody believe it. PERCIVAL. It also makes everybody pretend not to believe it. Mrs Tarleton: youre not playing the game. MRS TARLETON. I dont think youve behaved at all nicely, Mr Percival. BENTLEY. I wouldnt have played you such a dirty trick, Joey. _[Struggling with a sob]_ You beast. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Bentley: you must control yourself. Let me say at the same time, Mr Percival, that my son seems to have been mistaken in regarding you either as his friend or as a gentleman. PERCIVAL. Miss Tarleton: I'm suffering this for your sake. I ask you just to say that I am not to blame. Just that and nothing more. HYPATIA. _[gloating mischievously over his distress]_ You chased me through the heather and kissed me. You shouldnt have done that if you were not in earnest. PERCIVAL. Oh, this is really the limit. _[Turning desperately to Gunner]_ Sir: I appeal to you. As a gentleman! as a man of honor! as a man bound to stand by another man! You were in that Turkish bath. You saw how it began. Could any man have behaved more correctly than I did? Is there a shadow of foundation for the accusations brought against me? GUNNER. _[sorely perplexed]_ Well, what do you want me to say? JOHNNY. He has said what he had to say already, hasnt he? Read that paper. GUNNER. When I tell the truth, you make me go back on it. And now you want me to go back on myself! What is a man to do? PERCIVAL. _[patiently]_ Please try to get your mind clear, Mr Brown. I pointed out to you that you could not, as a gentleman, disparage a lady's character. You agree with me, I hope. GUNNER. Yes: that sounds all right. PERCIVAL. But youre also bound to tell the truth. Surely youll not deny that. GUNNER. Who's denying it? I say nothing against it. PERCIVAL. Of course not. Well, I ask you to tell the truth simply and unaffectedly. Did you witness any improper conduct on my part when you were in the bath? GUNNER. No, sir. JOHNNY. | Then what do you mean by saying that-- | HYPATIA. | Do you mean to say that I-- | BENTLEY. | Oh, you are a rotter. Youre afraid-- TARLETON. _[rising]_ Stop. _[Silence]._ Leave it at that. Enough said. You keep quiet, Johnny. Mr Percival: youre whitewashed. So are you, Patsy. Honors are easy. Lets drop the subject. The next thing to do is to open a subscription to start this young man on a ranch in some far country thats accustomed to be in a disturbed state. He-- MRS TARLETON. Now stop joking the poor lad, John: I wont have it. Has been worried to death between you all. _[To Gunner]_ Have you had your tea? GUNNER. Tea? No: it's too early. I'm all right; only I had no dinner: I didnt think I'd want it. I didnt think I'd be alive. MRS TARLETON. Oh, what a thing to say! You mustnt talk like that. JOHNNY. Hes out of his mind. He thinks it's past dinner-time. MRS TARLETON. Oh, youve no sense, Johnny. He calls his lunch his dinner, and has his tea at half-past six. Havnt you, dear? GUNNER. _[timidly]_ Hasnt everybody? JOHNNY. _[laughing]_ Well, by George, thats not bad. MRS TARLETON. Now dont be rude, Johnny: you know I dont like it. _[To Gunner]_ A cup of tea will pick you up. GUNNER. I'd rather not. I'm all right. TARLETON. _[going to the sideboard]_ Here! try a mouthful of sloe gin. GUNNER. No, thanks. I'm a teetotaler. I cant touch alcohol in any form. TARLETON. Nonsense! This isnt alcohol. Sloe gin. Vegetarian, you know. GUNNER. _[hesitating]_ Is it a fruit beverage? TARLETON. Of course it is. Fruit beverage. Here you are. _[He gives him a glass of sloe gin]._ GUNNER. _[going to the sideboard]_ Thanks. _[he begins to drink it confidently; but the first mouthful startles and almost chokes him]._ It's rather hot. TARLETON. Do you good. Dont be afraid of it. MRS TARLETON. _[going to him]_ Sip it, dear. Dont be in a hurry. _Gunner sips slowly, each sip making his eyes water._ JOHNNY. _[coming forward into the place left vacant by Gunner's visit to the sideboard]_ Well, now that the gentleman has been attended to, I should like to know where we are. It may be a vulgar business habit; but I confess I like to know where I am. TARLETON. I dont. Wherever you are, youre there anyhow. I tell you again, leave it at that. BENTLEY. I want to know too. Hypatia's engaged to me. HYPATIA. Bentley: if you insult me again--if you say another word, I'll leave the house and not enter it until you leave it. JOHNNY. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, my boy. BENTLEY. _[inarticulate with fury and suppressed tears]_ Oh! Beasts! Brutes! MRS TARLETON. Now dont hurt his feelings, poor little lamb! LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[very sternly]_ Bentley: you are not behaving well. You had better leave us until you have recovered yourself. _Bentley goes out in disgrace, but gets no further than half way to the pavilion door, when, with a wild sob, he throws himself on the floor and begins to yell._ MRS TARLETON. | _[running to him]_ Oh, poor child, | poor child! Dont cry, duckie: | he didnt mean it: dont cry. | LORD SUMMERHAYS| Stop that infernal noise, sir: do you | hear? Stop it instantly. | JOHNNY. | Thats the game he tried on me. | There you are! Now, mother! | Now, Patsy! You see for yourselves. | HYPATIA. | _[covering her ears]_ Oh you little | wretch! Stop him, Mr Percival. Kick him. | TARLETON. | Steady on, steady on. Easy, Bunny, easy. LINA. Leave him to me, Mrs Tarleton. Stand clear, please. _She kneels opposite Bentley; quickly lifts the upper half of him from the ground; dives under him; rises with his body hanging across her shoulders; and runs out with him._ BENTLEY. _[in scared, sobered, humble tones as he is borne off]_ What are you doing? Let me down. Please, Miss Szczepanowska-- _[they pass out of hearing]._ _An awestruck silence falls on the company as they speculate on Bentley's fate._ JOHNNY. I wonder what shes going to do with him. HYPATIA. Spank him, I hope. Spank him hard. LORD SUMMERHAYS. I hope so. I hope so. Tarleton: I'm beyond measure humiliated and annoyed by my son's behavior in your house. I had better take him home. TARLETON. Not at all: not at all. Now, Chickabiddy: as Miss Lina has taken away Ben, suppose you take away Mr Brown for a while. GUNNER. _[with unexpected aggressiveness]_ My name isnt Brown. _[They stare at him: he meets their stare defiantly, pugnacious with sloe gin; drains the last drop from his glass; throws it on the sideboard; and advances to the writing table]._ My name's Baker: Julius Baker. Mister Baker. If any man doubts it, I'm ready for him. MRS TARLETON. John: you shouldnt have given him that sloe gin. It's gone to his head. GUNNER. Dont you think it. Fruit beverages dont go to the head; and what matter if they did? I say nothing to you, maam: I regard you with respect and affection. _[Lachrymosely]_ You were very good to my mother: my poor mother! _[Relapsing into his daring mood]_ But I say my name's Baker; and I'm not to be treated as a child or made a slave of by any man. Baker is my name. Did you think I was going to give you my real name? Not likely. Not me. TARLETON. So you thought of John Brown. That was clever of you. GUNNER. Clever! Yes: we're not all such fools as you think: we clerks. It was the bookkeeper put me up to that. It's the only name that nobody gives as a false name, he said. Clever, eh? I should think so. MRS TARLETON. Come now, Julius-- GUNNER. _[reassuring her gravely]_ Dont you be alarmed, maam. I know what is due to you as a lady and to myself as a gentleman. I regard you with respect and affection. If you had been my mother, as you ought to have been, I should have had more chance. But you shall have no cause to be ashamed of me. The strength of a chain is no greater than its weakest link; but the greatness of a poet is the greatness of his greatest moment. Shakespear used to get drunk. Frederick the Great ran away from a battle. But it was what they could rise to, not what they could sink to, that made them great. They werent good always; but they were good on their day. Well, on my day--on my day, mind you--I'm good for something too. I know that Ive made a silly exhibition of myself here. I know I didnt rise to the occasion. I know that if youd been my mother, youd have been ashamed of me. I lost my presence of mind: I was a contemptible coward. But _[slapping himself on the chest]_ I'm not the man I was then. This is my day. Ive seen the tenth possessor of a foolish face carried out kicking and screaming by a woman. _[To Percival]_ You crowed pretty big over me. You hypnotized me. But when you were put through the fire yourself, you were found wanting. I tell you straight I dont give a damn for you. MRS TARLETON. No: thats naughty. You shouldnt say that before me. GUNNER. I would cut my tongue out sooner than say anything vulgar in your presence; for I regard you with respect and affection. I was not swearing. I was affirming my manhood. MRS TARLETON. What an idea! What puts all these things into your head? GUNNER. Oh, dont you think, because I'm a clerk, that I'm not one of the intellectuals. I'm a reading man, a thinking man. I read in a book--a high class six shilling book--this precept: Affirm your manhood. It appealed to me. Ive always remembered it. I believe in it. I feel I must do it to recover your respect after my cowardly behavior. Therefore I affirm it in your presence. I tell that man who insulted me that I dont give a damn for him. And neither I do. TARLETON. I say, Summerhays: did you have chaps of this sort in Jinghiskahn? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh yes: they exist everywhere: they are a most serious modern problem. GUNNER. Yes. Youre right. _[Conceitedly]_ I'm a problem. And I tell you that when we clerks realize that we're problems! well, look out: thats all. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[suavely, to Gunner]_ You read a great deal, you say? GUNNER. Ive read more than any man in this room, if the truth were known, I expect. Thats whats going to smash up your Capitalism. The problems are beginning to read. Ha! We're free to do that here in England. What would you do with me in Jinghiskahn if you had me there? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Well, since you ask me so directly, I'll tell you. I should take advantage of the fact that you have neither sense enough nor strength enough to know how to behave yourself in a difficulty of any sort. I should warn an intelligent and ambitious policeman that you are a troublesome person. The intelligent and ambitious policeman would take an early opportunity of upsetting your temper by ordering you to move on, and treading on your heels until you were provoked into obstructing an officer in the discharge of his duty. Any trifle of that sort would be sufficient to make a man like you lose your self-possession and put yourself in the wrong. You would then be charged and imprisoned until things quieted down. GUNNER. And you call that justice! LORD SUMMERHAYS. No. Justice was not my business. I had to govern a province; and I took the necessary steps to maintain order in it. Men are not governed by justice, but by law or persuasion. When they refuse to be governed by law or persuasion, they have to be governed by force or fraud, or both. I used both when law and persuasion failed me. Every ruler of men since the world began has done so, even when he has hated both fraud and force as heartily as I do. It is as well that you should know this, my young friend; so that you may recognize in time that anarchism is a game at which the police can beat you. What have you to say to that? GUNNER. What have I to say to it! Well, I call it scandalous: thats what I have to say to it. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Precisely: thats all anybody has to say to it, except the British public, which pretends not to believe it. And now let me ask you a sympathetic personal question. Havnt you a headache? GUNNER. Well, since you ask me, I have. Ive overexcited myself. MRS TARLETON. Poor lad! No wonder, after all youve gone through! You want to eat a little and to lie down. You come with me. I want you to tell me about your poor dear mother and about yourself. Come along with me. _[She leads the way to the inner door]._ GUNNER. _[following her obediently]_ Thank you kindly, madam. _[She goes out. Before passing out after her, he partly closes the door and stops an the landing for a moment to say]_ Mind: I'm not knuckling down to any man here. I knuckle down to Mrs Tarleton because shes a woman in a thousand. I affirm my manhood all the same. Understand: I dont give a damn for the lot of you. _[He hurries out, rather afraid of the consequences of this defiance, which has provoked Johnny to an impatient movement towards him]._ HYPATIA. Thank goodness hes gone! Oh, what a bore! WHAT a bore!!! Talk, talk, talk! TARLETON. Patsy: it's no good. We're going to talk. And we're going to talk about you. JOHNNY. It's no use shirking it, Pat. We'd better know where we are. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Come, Miss Tarleton. Wont you sit down? I'm very tired of standing. _[Hypatia comes from the pavilion and takes a chair at the worktable. Lord Summerhays takes the opposite chair, on her right. Percival takes the chair Johnny placed for Lina on her arrival. Tarleton sits down at the end of the writing table. Johnny remains standing. Lord Summerhays continues, with a sigh of relief at being seated.]_ We shall now get the change of subject we are all pining for. JOHNNY. _[puzzled]_ Whats that? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The great question. The question that men and women will spend hours over without complaining. The question that occupies all the novel readers and all the playgoers. The question they never get tired of. JOHNNY. But what question? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question which particular young man some young woman will mate with. PERCIVAL. As if it mattered! HYPATIA. _[sharply]_ Whats that you said? PERCIVAL. I said: As if it mattered. HYPATIA. I call that ungentlemanly. PERCIVAL. Do you care about that? you who are so magnificently unladylike! JOHNNY. Look here, Mr Percival: youre not supposed to insult my sister. HYPATIA. Oh, shut up, Johnny. I can take care of myself. Dont you interfere. JOHNNY. Oh, very well. If you choose to give yourself away like that--to allow a man to call you unladylike and then to be unladylike, Ive nothing more to say. HYPATIA. I think Mr Percival is most ungentlemanly; but I wont be protected. I'll not have my affairs interfered with by men on pretence of protecting me. I'm not your baby. If I interfered between you and a woman, you would soon tell me to mind my own business. TARLETON. Children: dont squabble. Read Dr Watts. Behave yourselves. JOHNNY. Ive nothing more to say; and as I dont seem to be wanted here, I shall take myself off. _[He goes out with affected calm through the pavilion]._ TARLETON. Summerhays: a family is an awful thing, an impossible thing. Cat and dog. Patsy: I'm ashamed of you. HYPATIA. I'll make it up with Johnny afterwards; but I really cant have him here sticking his clumsy hoof into my affairs. LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question is, Mr Percival, are you really a gentleman, or are you not? PERCIVAL. Was Napoleon really a gentleman or was he not? He made the lady get out of the way of the porter and said, "Respect the burden, madam." That was behaving like a very fine gentleman; but he kicked Volney for saying that what France wanted was the Bourbons back again. That was behaving rather like a navvy. Now I, like Napoleon, am not all one piece. On occasion, as you have all seen, I can behave like a gentleman. On occasion, I can behave with a brutal simplicity which Miss Tarleton herself could hardly surpass. TARLETON. Gentleman or no gentleman, Patsy: what are your intentions? HYPATIA. My intentions! Surely it's the gentleman who should be asked his intentions. TARLETON. Come now, Patsy! none of that nonsense. Has Mr Percival said anything to you that I ought to know or that Bentley ought to know? Have you said anything to Mr Percival? HYPATIA. Mr Percival chased me through the heather and kissed me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. As a gentleman, Mr Percival, what do you say to that? PERCIVAL. As a gentleman, I do not kiss and tell. As a mere man: a mere cad, if you like, I say that I did so at Miss Tarleton's own suggestion. HYPATIA. Beast! PERCIVAL. I dont deny that I enjoyed it. But I did not initiate it. And I began by running away. TARLETON. So Patsy can run faster than you, can she? PERCIVAL. Yes, when she is in pursuit of me. She runs faster and faster. I run slower and slower. And these woods of yours are full of magic. There was a confounded fern owl. Did you ever hear the churr of a fern owl? Did you ever hear it create a sudden silence by ceasing? Did you ever hear it call its mate by striking its wings together twice and whistling that single note that no nightingale can imitate? That is what happened in the woods when I was running away. So I turned; and the pursuer became the pursued. HYPATIA. I had to fight like a wild cat. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Please dont tell us this. It's not fit for old people to hear. TARLETON. Come: how did it end? HYPATIA. It's not ended yet. TARLETON. How is it going to end? HYPATIA. Ask him. TARLETON. How is it going to end, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. I cant afford to marry, Mr Tarleton. Ive only a thousand a year until my father dies. Two people cant possibly live on that. TARLETON. Oh, cant they? When _I_ married, I should have been jolly glad to have felt sure of the quarter of it. PERCIVAL. No doubt; but I am not a cheap person, Mr Tarleton. I was brought up in a household which cost at least seven or eight times that; and I am in constant money difficulties because I simply dont know how to live on the thousand a year scale. As to ask a woman to share my degrading poverty, it's out of the question. Besides, I'm rather young to marry. I'm only 28. HYPATIA. Papa: buy the brute for me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[shrinking]_ My dear Miss Tarleton: dont be so naughty. I know how delightful it is to shock an old man; but there is a point at which it becomes barbarous. Dont. Please dont. HYPATIA. Shall I tell Papa about you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Tarleton: I had better tell you that I once asked your daughter to become my widow. TARLETON. _[to Hypatia]_ Why didnt you accept him, you young idiot? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I was too old. TARLETON. All this has been going on under my nose, I suppose. You run after young men; and old men run after you. And I'm the last person in the world to hear of it. HYPATIA. How could I tell you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Parents and children, Tarleton. TARLETON. Oh, the gulf that lies between them! the impassable, eternal gulf! And so I'm to buy the brute for you, eh? HYPATIA. If you please, papa. TARLETON. Whats the price, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. We might do with another fifteen hundred if my father would contribute. But I should like more. TARLETON. It's purely a question of money with you, is it? PERCIVAL. _[after a moment's consideration]_ Practically yes: it turns on that. TARLETON. I thought you might have some sort of preference for Patsy, you know. PERCIVAL. Well, but does that matter, do you think? Patsy fascinates me, no doubt. I apparently fascinate Patsy. But, believe me, all that is not worth considering. One of my three fathers (the priest) has married hundreds of couples: couples selected by one another, couples selected by the parents, couples forced to marry one another by circumstances of one kind or another; and he assures me that if marriages were made by putting all the men's names into one sack and the women's names into another, and having them taken out by a blindfolded child like lottery numbers, there would be just as high a percentage of happy marriages as we have here in England. He said Cupid was nothing but the blindfolded child: pretty idea that, I think! I shall have as good a chance with Patsy as with anyone else. Mind: I'm not bigoted about it. I'm not a doctrinaire: not the slave of a theory. You and Lord Summerhays are experienced married men. If you can tell me of any trustworthy method of selecting a wife, I shall be happy to make use of it. I await your suggestions. _[He looks with polite attention to Lord Summerhays, who, having nothing to say, avoids his eye. He looks to Tarleton, who purses his lips glumly and rattles his money in his pockets without a word]._ Apparently neither of you has anything to suggest. Then Patsy will do as well as another, provided the money is forthcoming. HYPATIA. Oh, you beauty, you beauty! TARLETON. When I married Patsy's mother, I was in love with her. PERCIVAL. For the first time? TARLETON. Yes: for the first time. PERCIVAL. For the last time? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[revolted]_ Sir: you are in the presence of his daughter. HYPATIA. Oh, dont mind me. I dont care. I'm accustomed to Papa's adventures. TARLETON. _[blushing painfully]_ Patsy, my child: that was not--not delicate. HYPATIA. Well, papa, youve never shewn any delicacy in talking to me about my conduct; and I really dont see why I shouldnt talk to you about yours. It's such nonsense! Do you think young people dont know? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I'm sure they dont feel. Tarleton: this is too horrible, too brutal. If neither of these young people have any--any--any-- PERCIVAL. Shall we say paternal sentimentality? I'm extremely sorry to shock you; but you must remember that Ive been educated to discuss human affairs with three fathers simultaneously. I'm an adult person. Patsy is an adult person. You do not inspire me with veneration. Apparently you do not inspire Patsy with veneration. That may surprise you. It may pain you. I'm sorry. It cant be helped. What about the money? TARLETON. You dont inspire me with generosity, young man. HYPATIA. _[laughing with genuine amusement]_ He had you there, Joey. TARLETON. I havnt been a bad father to you, Patsy. HYPATIA. I dont say you have, dear. If only I could persuade you Ive grown up, we should get along perfectly. TARLETON. Do you remember Bill Burt? HYPATIA. Why? TARLETON. _[to the others]_ Bill Burt was a laborer here. I was going to sack him for kicking his father. He said his father had kicked him until he was big enough to kick back. Patsy begged him off. I asked that man what it felt like the first time he kicked his father, and found that it was just like kicking any other man. He laughed and said that it was the old man that knew what it felt like. Think of that, Summerhays! think of that! HYPATIA. I havnt kicked you, papa. TARLETON. Youve kicked me harder than Bill Burt ever kicked. LORD SUMMERHAYS. It's no use, Tarleton. Spare yourself. Do you seriously expect these young people, at their age, to sympathize with what this gentleman calls your paternal sentimentality? TARLETON. _[wistfully]_ Is it nothing to you but paternal sentimentality, Patsy? HYPATIA. Well, I greatly prefer your superabundant vitality, papa. TARLETON. _[violently]_ Hold your tongue, you young devil. The young are all alike: hard, coarse, shallow, cruel, selfish, dirty-minded. You can clear out of my house as soon as you can coax him to take you; and the sooner the better. _[To Percival]_ I think you said your price was fifteen hundred a year. Take it. And I wish you joy of your bargain. PERCIVAL. If you wish to know who I am-- TARLETON. I dont care a tinker's curse who you are or what you are. Youre willing to take that girl off my hands for fifteen hundred a year: thats all that concerns me. Tell her who you are if you like: it's her affair,

obediently

How many times the word 'obediently' appears in the text?

Do you consider that sufficient, Lord Summerhays? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh quite, quite. PERCIVAL. _[to Hypatia]_ Lord Summerhays would probably like to hear you say that you are satisfied, Miss Tarleton. HYPATIA. _[coming out of the swing, and advancing between Percival and Lord Summerhays]_ I must say that you have behaved like a perfect gentleman, Mr. Percival. PERCIVAL. _[first bowing to Hypatia, and then turning with cold contempt to Gunner, who is standing helpless]_ We need not trouble you any further. _[Gunner turns vaguely towards the pavilion]._ JOHNNY _[with less refined offensiveness, pointing to the pavilion]_ Thats your way. The gardener will shew you the shortest way into the road. Go the shortest way. GUNNER. _[oppressed and disconcerted, hardly knows how to get out of the room]_ Yes, sir. I-- _[He turns again, appealing to Tarleton]_ Maynt I have my mother's photographs back again? _[Mrs Tarleton pricks up her ears]._ TARLETON. Eh? What? Oh, the photographs! Yes, yes, yes: take them. _[Gunner takes them from the table, and is creeping away, when Mrs Tarleton puts out her hand and stops him]._ MRS TARLETON. Whats this, John? What were you doing with his mother's photographs? TARLETON. Nothing, nothing. Never mind, Chickabiddy: it's all right. MRS TARLETON. _[snatching the photographs from Gunner's irresolute fingers, and recognizing them at a glance]_ Lucy Titmus! Oh John, John! TARLETON. _[grimly, to Gunner]_ Young man: youre a fool; but youve just put the lid on this job in a masterly manner. I knew you would. I told you all to let well alone. You wouldnt; and now you must take the consequences--or rather _I_ must take them. MRS TARLETON. _[to Gunner]_ Are you Lucy's son? GUNNER. Yes. MRS TARLETON. And why didnt you come to me? I didnt turn my back on your mother when she came to me in her trouble. Didnt you know that? GUNNER. No. She never talked to me about anything. TARLETON. How could she talk to her own son? Shy, Summerhays, shy. Parent and child. Shy. _[He sits down at the end of the writing table nearest the sideboard like a man resigned to anything that fate may have in store for him]._ MRS TARLETON. Then how did you find out? GUNNER. From her papers after she died. MRS TARLETON. _[shocked]_ Is Lucy dead? And I never knew! _[With an effusion of tenderness]_ And you here being treated like that, poor orphan, with nobody to take your part! Tear up that foolish paper, child; and sit down and make friends with me. JOHNNY. | Hallo, mother this is all very well, you know-- | PERCIVAL. | But may I point out, Mrs Tarleton, that-- | BENTLEY. | Do you mean that after what he said of-- | HYPATIA. | Oh, look here, mamma: this is really-- MRS TARLETON. Will you please speak one at a time? _Silence._ PERCIVAL _[in a very gentlemanly manner]_ Will you allow me to remind you, Mrs Tarleton, that this man has uttered a most serious and disgraceful falsehood concerning Miss Tarleton and myself? MRS TARLETON. I dont believe a word of it. If the poor lad was there in the Turkish bath, who has a better right to say what was going on here than he has? You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Patsy; and so ought you too, Mr Percival, for encouraging her. _[Hypatia retreats to the pavilion, and exchanges grimaces with Johnny, shamelessly enjoying Percival's sudden reverse. They know their mother]._ PERCIVAL. _[gasping]_ Mrs Tarleton: I give you my word of honor-- MRS TARLETON. Oh, go along with you and your word of honor. Do you think I'm a fool? I wonder you can look the lad in the face after bullying him and making him sign those wicked lies; and all the time you carrying on with my daughter before youd been half an hour in my house. Fie, for shame! PERCIVAL. Lord Summerhays: I appeal to you. Have I done the correct thing or not? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Youve done your best, Mr Percival. But the correct thing depends for its success on everybody playing the game very strictly. As a single-handed game, it's impossible. BENTLEY. _[suddenly breaking out lamentably]_ Joey: have you taken Hypatia away from me? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[severely]_ Bentley! Bentley! Control yourself, sir. TARLETON. Come, Mr Percival! the shutters are up on the gentlemanly business. Try the truth. PERCIVAL. I am in a wretched position. If I tell the truth nobody will believe me. TARLETON. Oh yes they will. The truth makes everybody believe it. PERCIVAL. It also makes everybody pretend not to believe it. Mrs Tarleton: youre not playing the game. MRS TARLETON. I dont think youve behaved at all nicely, Mr Percival. BENTLEY. I wouldnt have played you such a dirty trick, Joey. _[Struggling with a sob]_ You beast. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Bentley: you must control yourself. Let me say at the same time, Mr Percival, that my son seems to have been mistaken in regarding you either as his friend or as a gentleman. PERCIVAL. Miss Tarleton: I'm suffering this for your sake. I ask you just to say that I am not to blame. Just that and nothing more. HYPATIA. _[gloating mischievously over his distress]_ You chased me through the heather and kissed me. You shouldnt have done that if you were not in earnest. PERCIVAL. Oh, this is really the limit. _[Turning desperately to Gunner]_ Sir: I appeal to you. As a gentleman! as a man of honor! as a man bound to stand by another man! You were in that Turkish bath. You saw how it began. Could any man have behaved more correctly than I did? Is there a shadow of foundation for the accusations brought against me? GUNNER. _[sorely perplexed]_ Well, what do you want me to say? JOHNNY. He has said what he had to say already, hasnt he? Read that paper. GUNNER. When I tell the truth, you make me go back on it. And now you want me to go back on myself! What is a man to do? PERCIVAL. _[patiently]_ Please try to get your mind clear, Mr Brown. I pointed out to you that you could not, as a gentleman, disparage a lady's character. You agree with me, I hope. GUNNER. Yes: that sounds all right. PERCIVAL. But youre also bound to tell the truth. Surely youll not deny that. GUNNER. Who's denying it? I say nothing against it. PERCIVAL. Of course not. Well, I ask you to tell the truth simply and unaffectedly. Did you witness any improper conduct on my part when you were in the bath? GUNNER. No, sir. JOHNNY. | Then what do you mean by saying that-- | HYPATIA. | Do you mean to say that I-- | BENTLEY. | Oh, you are a rotter. Youre afraid-- TARLETON. _[rising]_ Stop. _[Silence]._ Leave it at that. Enough said. You keep quiet, Johnny. Mr Percival: youre whitewashed. So are you, Patsy. Honors are easy. Lets drop the subject. The next thing to do is to open a subscription to start this young man on a ranch in some far country thats accustomed to be in a disturbed state. He-- MRS TARLETON. Now stop joking the poor lad, John: I wont have it. Has been worried to death between you all. _[To Gunner]_ Have you had your tea? GUNNER. Tea? No: it's too early. I'm all right; only I had no dinner: I didnt think I'd want it. I didnt think I'd be alive. MRS TARLETON. Oh, what a thing to say! You mustnt talk like that. JOHNNY. Hes out of his mind. He thinks it's past dinner-time. MRS TARLETON. Oh, youve no sense, Johnny. He calls his lunch his dinner, and has his tea at half-past six. Havnt you, dear? GUNNER. _[timidly]_ Hasnt everybody? JOHNNY. _[laughing]_ Well, by George, thats not bad. MRS TARLETON. Now dont be rude, Johnny: you know I dont like it. _[To Gunner]_ A cup of tea will pick you up. GUNNER. I'd rather not. I'm all right. TARLETON. _[going to the sideboard]_ Here! try a mouthful of sloe gin. GUNNER. No, thanks. I'm a teetotaler. I cant touch alcohol in any form. TARLETON. Nonsense! This isnt alcohol. Sloe gin. Vegetarian, you know. GUNNER. _[hesitating]_ Is it a fruit beverage? TARLETON. Of course it is. Fruit beverage. Here you are. _[He gives him a glass of sloe gin]._ GUNNER. _[going to the sideboard]_ Thanks. _[he begins to drink it confidently; but the first mouthful startles and almost chokes him]._ It's rather hot. TARLETON. Do you good. Dont be afraid of it. MRS TARLETON. _[going to him]_ Sip it, dear. Dont be in a hurry. _Gunner sips slowly, each sip making his eyes water._ JOHNNY. _[coming forward into the place left vacant by Gunner's visit to the sideboard]_ Well, now that the gentleman has been attended to, I should like to know where we are. It may be a vulgar business habit; but I confess I like to know where I am. TARLETON. I dont. Wherever you are, youre there anyhow. I tell you again, leave it at that. BENTLEY. I want to know too. Hypatia's engaged to me. HYPATIA. Bentley: if you insult me again--if you say another word, I'll leave the house and not enter it until you leave it. JOHNNY. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, my boy. BENTLEY. _[inarticulate with fury and suppressed tears]_ Oh! Beasts! Brutes! MRS TARLETON. Now dont hurt his feelings, poor little lamb! LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[very sternly]_ Bentley: you are not behaving well. You had better leave us until you have recovered yourself. _Bentley goes out in disgrace, but gets no further than half way to the pavilion door, when, with a wild sob, he throws himself on the floor and begins to yell._ MRS TARLETON. | _[running to him]_ Oh, poor child, | poor child! Dont cry, duckie: | he didnt mean it: dont cry. | LORD SUMMERHAYS| Stop that infernal noise, sir: do you | hear? Stop it instantly. | JOHNNY. | Thats the game he tried on me. | There you are! Now, mother! | Now, Patsy! You see for yourselves. | HYPATIA. | _[covering her ears]_ Oh you little | wretch! Stop him, Mr Percival. Kick him. | TARLETON. | Steady on, steady on. Easy, Bunny, easy. LINA. Leave him to me, Mrs Tarleton. Stand clear, please. _She kneels opposite Bentley; quickly lifts the upper half of him from the ground; dives under him; rises with his body hanging across her shoulders; and runs out with him._ BENTLEY. _[in scared, sobered, humble tones as he is borne off]_ What are you doing? Let me down. Please, Miss Szczepanowska-- _[they pass out of hearing]._ _An awestruck silence falls on the company as they speculate on Bentley's fate._ JOHNNY. I wonder what shes going to do with him. HYPATIA. Spank him, I hope. Spank him hard. LORD SUMMERHAYS. I hope so. I hope so. Tarleton: I'm beyond measure humiliated and annoyed by my son's behavior in your house. I had better take him home. TARLETON. Not at all: not at all. Now, Chickabiddy: as Miss Lina has taken away Ben, suppose you take away Mr Brown for a while. GUNNER. _[with unexpected aggressiveness]_ My name isnt Brown. _[They stare at him: he meets their stare defiantly, pugnacious with sloe gin; drains the last drop from his glass; throws it on the sideboard; and advances to the writing table]._ My name's Baker: Julius Baker. Mister Baker. If any man doubts it, I'm ready for him. MRS TARLETON. John: you shouldnt have given him that sloe gin. It's gone to his head. GUNNER. Dont you think it. Fruit beverages dont go to the head; and what matter if they did? I say nothing to you, maam: I regard you with respect and affection. _[Lachrymosely]_ You were very good to my mother: my poor mother! _[Relapsing into his daring mood]_ But I say my name's Baker; and I'm not to be treated as a child or made a slave of by any man. Baker is my name. Did you think I was going to give you my real name? Not likely. Not me. TARLETON. So you thought of John Brown. That was clever of you. GUNNER. Clever! Yes: we're not all such fools as you think: we clerks. It was the bookkeeper put me up to that. It's the only name that nobody gives as a false name, he said. Clever, eh? I should think so. MRS TARLETON. Come now, Julius-- GUNNER. _[reassuring her gravely]_ Dont you be alarmed, maam. I know what is due to you as a lady and to myself as a gentleman. I regard you with respect and affection. If you had been my mother, as you ought to have been, I should have had more chance. But you shall have no cause to be ashamed of me. The strength of a chain is no greater than its weakest link; but the greatness of a poet is the greatness of his greatest moment. Shakespear used to get drunk. Frederick the Great ran away from a battle. But it was what they could rise to, not what they could sink to, that made them great. They werent good always; but they were good on their day. Well, on my day--on my day, mind you--I'm good for something too. I know that Ive made a silly exhibition of myself here. I know I didnt rise to the occasion. I know that if youd been my mother, youd have been ashamed of me. I lost my presence of mind: I was a contemptible coward. But _[slapping himself on the chest]_ I'm not the man I was then. This is my day. Ive seen the tenth possessor of a foolish face carried out kicking and screaming by a woman. _[To Percival]_ You crowed pretty big over me. You hypnotized me. But when you were put through the fire yourself, you were found wanting. I tell you straight I dont give a damn for you. MRS TARLETON. No: thats naughty. You shouldnt say that before me. GUNNER. I would cut my tongue out sooner than say anything vulgar in your presence; for I regard you with respect and affection. I was not swearing. I was affirming my manhood. MRS TARLETON. What an idea! What puts all these things into your head? GUNNER. Oh, dont you think, because I'm a clerk, that I'm not one of the intellectuals. I'm a reading man, a thinking man. I read in a book--a high class six shilling book--this precept: Affirm your manhood. It appealed to me. Ive always remembered it. I believe in it. I feel I must do it to recover your respect after my cowardly behavior. Therefore I affirm it in your presence. I tell that man who insulted me that I dont give a damn for him. And neither I do. TARLETON. I say, Summerhays: did you have chaps of this sort in Jinghiskahn? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh yes: they exist everywhere: they are a most serious modern problem. GUNNER. Yes. Youre right. _[Conceitedly]_ I'm a problem. And I tell you that when we clerks realize that we're problems! well, look out: thats all. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[suavely, to Gunner]_ You read a great deal, you say? GUNNER. Ive read more than any man in this room, if the truth were known, I expect. Thats whats going to smash up your Capitalism. The problems are beginning to read. Ha! We're free to do that here in England. What would you do with me in Jinghiskahn if you had me there? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Well, since you ask me so directly, I'll tell you. I should take advantage of the fact that you have neither sense enough nor strength enough to know how to behave yourself in a difficulty of any sort. I should warn an intelligent and ambitious policeman that you are a troublesome person. The intelligent and ambitious policeman would take an early opportunity of upsetting your temper by ordering you to move on, and treading on your heels until you were provoked into obstructing an officer in the discharge of his duty. Any trifle of that sort would be sufficient to make a man like you lose your self-possession and put yourself in the wrong. You would then be charged and imprisoned until things quieted down. GUNNER. And you call that justice! LORD SUMMERHAYS. No. Justice was not my business. I had to govern a province; and I took the necessary steps to maintain order in it. Men are not governed by justice, but by law or persuasion. When they refuse to be governed by law or persuasion, they have to be governed by force or fraud, or both. I used both when law and persuasion failed me. Every ruler of men since the world began has done so, even when he has hated both fraud and force as heartily as I do. It is as well that you should know this, my young friend; so that you may recognize in time that anarchism is a game at which the police can beat you. What have you to say to that? GUNNER. What have I to say to it! Well, I call it scandalous: thats what I have to say to it. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Precisely: thats all anybody has to say to it, except the British public, which pretends not to believe it. And now let me ask you a sympathetic personal question. Havnt you a headache? GUNNER. Well, since you ask me, I have. Ive overexcited myself. MRS TARLETON. Poor lad! No wonder, after all youve gone through! You want to eat a little and to lie down. You come with me. I want you to tell me about your poor dear mother and about yourself. Come along with me. _[She leads the way to the inner door]._ GUNNER. _[following her obediently]_ Thank you kindly, madam. _[She goes out. Before passing out after her, he partly closes the door and stops an the landing for a moment to say]_ Mind: I'm not knuckling down to any man here. I knuckle down to Mrs Tarleton because shes a woman in a thousand. I affirm my manhood all the same. Understand: I dont give a damn for the lot of you. _[He hurries out, rather afraid of the consequences of this defiance, which has provoked Johnny to an impatient movement towards him]._ HYPATIA. Thank goodness hes gone! Oh, what a bore! WHAT a bore!!! Talk, talk, talk! TARLETON. Patsy: it's no good. We're going to talk. And we're going to talk about you. JOHNNY. It's no use shirking it, Pat. We'd better know where we are. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Come, Miss Tarleton. Wont you sit down? I'm very tired of standing. _[Hypatia comes from the pavilion and takes a chair at the worktable. Lord Summerhays takes the opposite chair, on her right. Percival takes the chair Johnny placed for Lina on her arrival. Tarleton sits down at the end of the writing table. Johnny remains standing. Lord Summerhays continues, with a sigh of relief at being seated.]_ We shall now get the change of subject we are all pining for. JOHNNY. _[puzzled]_ Whats that? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The great question. The question that men and women will spend hours over without complaining. The question that occupies all the novel readers and all the playgoers. The question they never get tired of. JOHNNY. But what question? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question which particular young man some young woman will mate with. PERCIVAL. As if it mattered! HYPATIA. _[sharply]_ Whats that you said? PERCIVAL. I said: As if it mattered. HYPATIA. I call that ungentlemanly. PERCIVAL. Do you care about that? you who are so magnificently unladylike! JOHNNY. Look here, Mr Percival: youre not supposed to insult my sister. HYPATIA. Oh, shut up, Johnny. I can take care of myself. Dont you interfere. JOHNNY. Oh, very well. If you choose to give yourself away like that--to allow a man to call you unladylike and then to be unladylike, Ive nothing more to say. HYPATIA. I think Mr Percival is most ungentlemanly; but I wont be protected. I'll not have my affairs interfered with by men on pretence of protecting me. I'm not your baby. If I interfered between you and a woman, you would soon tell me to mind my own business. TARLETON. Children: dont squabble. Read Dr Watts. Behave yourselves. JOHNNY. Ive nothing more to say; and as I dont seem to be wanted here, I shall take myself off. _[He goes out with affected calm through the pavilion]._ TARLETON. Summerhays: a family is an awful thing, an impossible thing. Cat and dog. Patsy: I'm ashamed of you. HYPATIA. I'll make it up with Johnny afterwards; but I really cant have him here sticking his clumsy hoof into my affairs. LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question is, Mr Percival, are you really a gentleman, or are you not? PERCIVAL. Was Napoleon really a gentleman or was he not? He made the lady get out of the way of the porter and said, "Respect the burden, madam." That was behaving like a very fine gentleman; but he kicked Volney for saying that what France wanted was the Bourbons back again. That was behaving rather like a navvy. Now I, like Napoleon, am not all one piece. On occasion, as you have all seen, I can behave like a gentleman. On occasion, I can behave with a brutal simplicity which Miss Tarleton herself could hardly surpass. TARLETON. Gentleman or no gentleman, Patsy: what are your intentions? HYPATIA. My intentions! Surely it's the gentleman who should be asked his intentions. TARLETON. Come now, Patsy! none of that nonsense. Has Mr Percival said anything to you that I ought to know or that Bentley ought to know? Have you said anything to Mr Percival? HYPATIA. Mr Percival chased me through the heather and kissed me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. As a gentleman, Mr Percival, what do you say to that? PERCIVAL. As a gentleman, I do not kiss and tell. As a mere man: a mere cad, if you like, I say that I did so at Miss Tarleton's own suggestion. HYPATIA. Beast! PERCIVAL. I dont deny that I enjoyed it. But I did not initiate it. And I began by running away. TARLETON. So Patsy can run faster than you, can she? PERCIVAL. Yes, when she is in pursuit of me. She runs faster and faster. I run slower and slower. And these woods of yours are full of magic. There was a confounded fern owl. Did you ever hear the churr of a fern owl? Did you ever hear it create a sudden silence by ceasing? Did you ever hear it call its mate by striking its wings together twice and whistling that single note that no nightingale can imitate? That is what happened in the woods when I was running away. So I turned; and the pursuer became the pursued. HYPATIA. I had to fight like a wild cat. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Please dont tell us this. It's not fit for old people to hear. TARLETON. Come: how did it end? HYPATIA. It's not ended yet. TARLETON. How is it going to end? HYPATIA. Ask him. TARLETON. How is it going to end, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. I cant afford to marry, Mr Tarleton. Ive only a thousand a year until my father dies. Two people cant possibly live on that. TARLETON. Oh, cant they? When _I_ married, I should have been jolly glad to have felt sure of the quarter of it. PERCIVAL. No doubt; but I am not a cheap person, Mr Tarleton. I was brought up in a household which cost at least seven or eight times that; and I am in constant money difficulties because I simply dont know how to live on the thousand a year scale. As to ask a woman to share my degrading poverty, it's out of the question. Besides, I'm rather young to marry. I'm only 28. HYPATIA. Papa: buy the brute for me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[shrinking]_ My dear Miss Tarleton: dont be so naughty. I know how delightful it is to shock an old man; but there is a point at which it becomes barbarous. Dont. Please dont. HYPATIA. Shall I tell Papa about you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Tarleton: I had better tell you that I once asked your daughter to become my widow. TARLETON. _[to Hypatia]_ Why didnt you accept him, you young idiot? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I was too old. TARLETON. All this has been going on under my nose, I suppose. You run after young men; and old men run after you. And I'm the last person in the world to hear of it. HYPATIA. How could I tell you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Parents and children, Tarleton. TARLETON. Oh, the gulf that lies between them! the impassable, eternal gulf! And so I'm to buy the brute for you, eh? HYPATIA. If you please, papa. TARLETON. Whats the price, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. We might do with another fifteen hundred if my father would contribute. But I should like more. TARLETON. It's purely a question of money with you, is it? PERCIVAL. _[after a moment's consideration]_ Practically yes: it turns on that. TARLETON. I thought you might have some sort of preference for Patsy, you know. PERCIVAL. Well, but does that matter, do you think? Patsy fascinates me, no doubt. I apparently fascinate Patsy. But, believe me, all that is not worth considering. One of my three fathers (the priest) has married hundreds of couples: couples selected by one another, couples selected by the parents, couples forced to marry one another by circumstances of one kind or another; and he assures me that if marriages were made by putting all the men's names into one sack and the women's names into another, and having them taken out by a blindfolded child like lottery numbers, there would be just as high a percentage of happy marriages as we have here in England. He said Cupid was nothing but the blindfolded child: pretty idea that, I think! I shall have as good a chance with Patsy as with anyone else. Mind: I'm not bigoted about it. I'm not a doctrinaire: not the slave of a theory. You and Lord Summerhays are experienced married men. If you can tell me of any trustworthy method of selecting a wife, I shall be happy to make use of it. I await your suggestions. _[He looks with polite attention to Lord Summerhays, who, having nothing to say, avoids his eye. He looks to Tarleton, who purses his lips glumly and rattles his money in his pockets without a word]._ Apparently neither of you has anything to suggest. Then Patsy will do as well as another, provided the money is forthcoming. HYPATIA. Oh, you beauty, you beauty! TARLETON. When I married Patsy's mother, I was in love with her. PERCIVAL. For the first time? TARLETON. Yes: for the first time. PERCIVAL. For the last time? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[revolted]_ Sir: you are in the presence of his daughter. HYPATIA. Oh, dont mind me. I dont care. I'm accustomed to Papa's adventures. TARLETON. _[blushing painfully]_ Patsy, my child: that was not--not delicate. HYPATIA. Well, papa, youve never shewn any delicacy in talking to me about my conduct; and I really dont see why I shouldnt talk to you about yours. It's such nonsense! Do you think young people dont know? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I'm sure they dont feel. Tarleton: this is too horrible, too brutal. If neither of these young people have any--any--any-- PERCIVAL. Shall we say paternal sentimentality? I'm extremely sorry to shock you; but you must remember that Ive been educated to discuss human affairs with three fathers simultaneously. I'm an adult person. Patsy is an adult person. You do not inspire me with veneration. Apparently you do not inspire Patsy with veneration. That may surprise you. It may pain you. I'm sorry. It cant be helped. What about the money? TARLETON. You dont inspire me with generosity, young man. HYPATIA. _[laughing with genuine amusement]_ He had you there, Joey. TARLETON. I havnt been a bad father to you, Patsy. HYPATIA. I dont say you have, dear. If only I could persuade you Ive grown up, we should get along perfectly. TARLETON. Do you remember Bill Burt? HYPATIA. Why? TARLETON. _[to the others]_ Bill Burt was a laborer here. I was going to sack him for kicking his father. He said his father had kicked him until he was big enough to kick back. Patsy begged him off. I asked that man what it felt like the first time he kicked his father, and found that it was just like kicking any other man. He laughed and said that it was the old man that knew what it felt like. Think of that, Summerhays! think of that! HYPATIA. I havnt kicked you, papa. TARLETON. Youve kicked me harder than Bill Burt ever kicked. LORD SUMMERHAYS. It's no use, Tarleton. Spare yourself. Do you seriously expect these young people, at their age, to sympathize with what this gentleman calls your paternal sentimentality? TARLETON. _[wistfully]_ Is it nothing to you but paternal sentimentality, Patsy? HYPATIA. Well, I greatly prefer your superabundant vitality, papa. TARLETON. _[violently]_ Hold your tongue, you young devil. The young are all alike: hard, coarse, shallow, cruel, selfish, dirty-minded. You can clear out of my house as soon as you can coax him to take you; and the sooner the better. _[To Percival]_ I think you said your price was fifteen hundred a year. Take it. And I wish you joy of your bargain. PERCIVAL. If you wish to know who I am-- TARLETON. I dont care a tinker's curse who you are or what you are. Youre willing to take that girl off my hands for fifteen hundred a year: thats all that concerns me. Tell her who you are if you like: it's her affair,

true

How many times the word 'true' appears in the text?

Do you consider that sufficient, Lord Summerhays? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh quite, quite. PERCIVAL. _[to Hypatia]_ Lord Summerhays would probably like to hear you say that you are satisfied, Miss Tarleton. HYPATIA. _[coming out of the swing, and advancing between Percival and Lord Summerhays]_ I must say that you have behaved like a perfect gentleman, Mr. Percival. PERCIVAL. _[first bowing to Hypatia, and then turning with cold contempt to Gunner, who is standing helpless]_ We need not trouble you any further. _[Gunner turns vaguely towards the pavilion]._ JOHNNY _[with less refined offensiveness, pointing to the pavilion]_ Thats your way. The gardener will shew you the shortest way into the road. Go the shortest way. GUNNER. _[oppressed and disconcerted, hardly knows how to get out of the room]_ Yes, sir. I-- _[He turns again, appealing to Tarleton]_ Maynt I have my mother's photographs back again? _[Mrs Tarleton pricks up her ears]._ TARLETON. Eh? What? Oh, the photographs! Yes, yes, yes: take them. _[Gunner takes them from the table, and is creeping away, when Mrs Tarleton puts out her hand and stops him]._ MRS TARLETON. Whats this, John? What were you doing with his mother's photographs? TARLETON. Nothing, nothing. Never mind, Chickabiddy: it's all right. MRS TARLETON. _[snatching the photographs from Gunner's irresolute fingers, and recognizing them at a glance]_ Lucy Titmus! Oh John, John! TARLETON. _[grimly, to Gunner]_ Young man: youre a fool; but youve just put the lid on this job in a masterly manner. I knew you would. I told you all to let well alone. You wouldnt; and now you must take the consequences--or rather _I_ must take them. MRS TARLETON. _[to Gunner]_ Are you Lucy's son? GUNNER. Yes. MRS TARLETON. And why didnt you come to me? I didnt turn my back on your mother when she came to me in her trouble. Didnt you know that? GUNNER. No. She never talked to me about anything. TARLETON. How could she talk to her own son? Shy, Summerhays, shy. Parent and child. Shy. _[He sits down at the end of the writing table nearest the sideboard like a man resigned to anything that fate may have in store for him]._ MRS TARLETON. Then how did you find out? GUNNER. From her papers after she died. MRS TARLETON. _[shocked]_ Is Lucy dead? And I never knew! _[With an effusion of tenderness]_ And you here being treated like that, poor orphan, with nobody to take your part! Tear up that foolish paper, child; and sit down and make friends with me. JOHNNY. | Hallo, mother this is all very well, you know-- | PERCIVAL. | But may I point out, Mrs Tarleton, that-- | BENTLEY. | Do you mean that after what he said of-- | HYPATIA. | Oh, look here, mamma: this is really-- MRS TARLETON. Will you please speak one at a time? _Silence._ PERCIVAL _[in a very gentlemanly manner]_ Will you allow me to remind you, Mrs Tarleton, that this man has uttered a most serious and disgraceful falsehood concerning Miss Tarleton and myself? MRS TARLETON. I dont believe a word of it. If the poor lad was there in the Turkish bath, who has a better right to say what was going on here than he has? You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Patsy; and so ought you too, Mr Percival, for encouraging her. _[Hypatia retreats to the pavilion, and exchanges grimaces with Johnny, shamelessly enjoying Percival's sudden reverse. They know their mother]._ PERCIVAL. _[gasping]_ Mrs Tarleton: I give you my word of honor-- MRS TARLETON. Oh, go along with you and your word of honor. Do you think I'm a fool? I wonder you can look the lad in the face after bullying him and making him sign those wicked lies; and all the time you carrying on with my daughter before youd been half an hour in my house. Fie, for shame! PERCIVAL. Lord Summerhays: I appeal to you. Have I done the correct thing or not? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Youve done your best, Mr Percival. But the correct thing depends for its success on everybody playing the game very strictly. As a single-handed game, it's impossible. BENTLEY. _[suddenly breaking out lamentably]_ Joey: have you taken Hypatia away from me? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[severely]_ Bentley! Bentley! Control yourself, sir. TARLETON. Come, Mr Percival! the shutters are up on the gentlemanly business. Try the truth. PERCIVAL. I am in a wretched position. If I tell the truth nobody will believe me. TARLETON. Oh yes they will. The truth makes everybody believe it. PERCIVAL. It also makes everybody pretend not to believe it. Mrs Tarleton: youre not playing the game. MRS TARLETON. I dont think youve behaved at all nicely, Mr Percival. BENTLEY. I wouldnt have played you such a dirty trick, Joey. _[Struggling with a sob]_ You beast. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Bentley: you must control yourself. Let me say at the same time, Mr Percival, that my son seems to have been mistaken in regarding you either as his friend or as a gentleman. PERCIVAL. Miss Tarleton: I'm suffering this for your sake. I ask you just to say that I am not to blame. Just that and nothing more. HYPATIA. _[gloating mischievously over his distress]_ You chased me through the heather and kissed me. You shouldnt have done that if you were not in earnest. PERCIVAL. Oh, this is really the limit. _[Turning desperately to Gunner]_ Sir: I appeal to you. As a gentleman! as a man of honor! as a man bound to stand by another man! You were in that Turkish bath. You saw how it began. Could any man have behaved more correctly than I did? Is there a shadow of foundation for the accusations brought against me? GUNNER. _[sorely perplexed]_ Well, what do you want me to say? JOHNNY. He has said what he had to say already, hasnt he? Read that paper. GUNNER. When I tell the truth, you make me go back on it. And now you want me to go back on myself! What is a man to do? PERCIVAL. _[patiently]_ Please try to get your mind clear, Mr Brown. I pointed out to you that you could not, as a gentleman, disparage a lady's character. You agree with me, I hope. GUNNER. Yes: that sounds all right. PERCIVAL. But youre also bound to tell the truth. Surely youll not deny that. GUNNER. Who's denying it? I say nothing against it. PERCIVAL. Of course not. Well, I ask you to tell the truth simply and unaffectedly. Did you witness any improper conduct on my part when you were in the bath? GUNNER. No, sir. JOHNNY. | Then what do you mean by saying that-- | HYPATIA. | Do you mean to say that I-- | BENTLEY. | Oh, you are a rotter. Youre afraid-- TARLETON. _[rising]_ Stop. _[Silence]._ Leave it at that. Enough said. You keep quiet, Johnny. Mr Percival: youre whitewashed. So are you, Patsy. Honors are easy. Lets drop the subject. The next thing to do is to open a subscription to start this young man on a ranch in some far country thats accustomed to be in a disturbed state. He-- MRS TARLETON. Now stop joking the poor lad, John: I wont have it. Has been worried to death between you all. _[To Gunner]_ Have you had your tea? GUNNER. Tea? No: it's too early. I'm all right; only I had no dinner: I didnt think I'd want it. I didnt think I'd be alive. MRS TARLETON. Oh, what a thing to say! You mustnt talk like that. JOHNNY. Hes out of his mind. He thinks it's past dinner-time. MRS TARLETON. Oh, youve no sense, Johnny. He calls his lunch his dinner, and has his tea at half-past six. Havnt you, dear? GUNNER. _[timidly]_ Hasnt everybody? JOHNNY. _[laughing]_ Well, by George, thats not bad. MRS TARLETON. Now dont be rude, Johnny: you know I dont like it. _[To Gunner]_ A cup of tea will pick you up. GUNNER. I'd rather not. I'm all right. TARLETON. _[going to the sideboard]_ Here! try a mouthful of sloe gin. GUNNER. No, thanks. I'm a teetotaler. I cant touch alcohol in any form. TARLETON. Nonsense! This isnt alcohol. Sloe gin. Vegetarian, you know. GUNNER. _[hesitating]_ Is it a fruit beverage? TARLETON. Of course it is. Fruit beverage. Here you are. _[He gives him a glass of sloe gin]._ GUNNER. _[going to the sideboard]_ Thanks. _[he begins to drink it confidently; but the first mouthful startles and almost chokes him]._ It's rather hot. TARLETON. Do you good. Dont be afraid of it. MRS TARLETON. _[going to him]_ Sip it, dear. Dont be in a hurry. _Gunner sips slowly, each sip making his eyes water._ JOHNNY. _[coming forward into the place left vacant by Gunner's visit to the sideboard]_ Well, now that the gentleman has been attended to, I should like to know where we are. It may be a vulgar business habit; but I confess I like to know where I am. TARLETON. I dont. Wherever you are, youre there anyhow. I tell you again, leave it at that. BENTLEY. I want to know too. Hypatia's engaged to me. HYPATIA. Bentley: if you insult me again--if you say another word, I'll leave the house and not enter it until you leave it. JOHNNY. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, my boy. BENTLEY. _[inarticulate with fury and suppressed tears]_ Oh! Beasts! Brutes! MRS TARLETON. Now dont hurt his feelings, poor little lamb! LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[very sternly]_ Bentley: you are not behaving well. You had better leave us until you have recovered yourself. _Bentley goes out in disgrace, but gets no further than half way to the pavilion door, when, with a wild sob, he throws himself on the floor and begins to yell._ MRS TARLETON. | _[running to him]_ Oh, poor child, | poor child! Dont cry, duckie: | he didnt mean it: dont cry. | LORD SUMMERHAYS| Stop that infernal noise, sir: do you | hear? Stop it instantly. | JOHNNY. | Thats the game he tried on me. | There you are! Now, mother! | Now, Patsy! You see for yourselves. | HYPATIA. | _[covering her ears]_ Oh you little | wretch! Stop him, Mr Percival. Kick him. | TARLETON. | Steady on, steady on. Easy, Bunny, easy. LINA. Leave him to me, Mrs Tarleton. Stand clear, please. _She kneels opposite Bentley; quickly lifts the upper half of him from the ground; dives under him; rises with his body hanging across her shoulders; and runs out with him._ BENTLEY. _[in scared, sobered, humble tones as he is borne off]_ What are you doing? Let me down. Please, Miss Szczepanowska-- _[they pass out of hearing]._ _An awestruck silence falls on the company as they speculate on Bentley's fate._ JOHNNY. I wonder what shes going to do with him. HYPATIA. Spank him, I hope. Spank him hard. LORD SUMMERHAYS. I hope so. I hope so. Tarleton: I'm beyond measure humiliated and annoyed by my son's behavior in your house. I had better take him home. TARLETON. Not at all: not at all. Now, Chickabiddy: as Miss Lina has taken away Ben, suppose you take away Mr Brown for a while. GUNNER. _[with unexpected aggressiveness]_ My name isnt Brown. _[They stare at him: he meets their stare defiantly, pugnacious with sloe gin; drains the last drop from his glass; throws it on the sideboard; and advances to the writing table]._ My name's Baker: Julius Baker. Mister Baker. If any man doubts it, I'm ready for him. MRS TARLETON. John: you shouldnt have given him that sloe gin. It's gone to his head. GUNNER. Dont you think it. Fruit beverages dont go to the head; and what matter if they did? I say nothing to you, maam: I regard you with respect and affection. _[Lachrymosely]_ You were very good to my mother: my poor mother! _[Relapsing into his daring mood]_ But I say my name's Baker; and I'm not to be treated as a child or made a slave of by any man. Baker is my name. Did you think I was going to give you my real name? Not likely. Not me. TARLETON. So you thought of John Brown. That was clever of you. GUNNER. Clever! Yes: we're not all such fools as you think: we clerks. It was the bookkeeper put me up to that. It's the only name that nobody gives as a false name, he said. Clever, eh? I should think so. MRS TARLETON. Come now, Julius-- GUNNER. _[reassuring her gravely]_ Dont you be alarmed, maam. I know what is due to you as a lady and to myself as a gentleman. I regard you with respect and affection. If you had been my mother, as you ought to have been, I should have had more chance. But you shall have no cause to be ashamed of me. The strength of a chain is no greater than its weakest link; but the greatness of a poet is the greatness of his greatest moment. Shakespear used to get drunk. Frederick the Great ran away from a battle. But it was what they could rise to, not what they could sink to, that made them great. They werent good always; but they were good on their day. Well, on my day--on my day, mind you--I'm good for something too. I know that Ive made a silly exhibition of myself here. I know I didnt rise to the occasion. I know that if youd been my mother, youd have been ashamed of me. I lost my presence of mind: I was a contemptible coward. But _[slapping himself on the chest]_ I'm not the man I was then. This is my day. Ive seen the tenth possessor of a foolish face carried out kicking and screaming by a woman. _[To Percival]_ You crowed pretty big over me. You hypnotized me. But when you were put through the fire yourself, you were found wanting. I tell you straight I dont give a damn for you. MRS TARLETON. No: thats naughty. You shouldnt say that before me. GUNNER. I would cut my tongue out sooner than say anything vulgar in your presence; for I regard you with respect and affection. I was not swearing. I was affirming my manhood. MRS TARLETON. What an idea! What puts all these things into your head? GUNNER. Oh, dont you think, because I'm a clerk, that I'm not one of the intellectuals. I'm a reading man, a thinking man. I read in a book--a high class six shilling book--this precept: Affirm your manhood. It appealed to me. Ive always remembered it. I believe in it. I feel I must do it to recover your respect after my cowardly behavior. Therefore I affirm it in your presence. I tell that man who insulted me that I dont give a damn for him. And neither I do. TARLETON. I say, Summerhays: did you have chaps of this sort in Jinghiskahn? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh yes: they exist everywhere: they are a most serious modern problem. GUNNER. Yes. Youre right. _[Conceitedly]_ I'm a problem. And I tell you that when we clerks realize that we're problems! well, look out: thats all. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[suavely, to Gunner]_ You read a great deal, you say? GUNNER. Ive read more than any man in this room, if the truth were known, I expect. Thats whats going to smash up your Capitalism. The problems are beginning to read. Ha! We're free to do that here in England. What would you do with me in Jinghiskahn if you had me there? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Well, since you ask me so directly, I'll tell you. I should take advantage of the fact that you have neither sense enough nor strength enough to know how to behave yourself in a difficulty of any sort. I should warn an intelligent and ambitious policeman that you are a troublesome person. The intelligent and ambitious policeman would take an early opportunity of upsetting your temper by ordering you to move on, and treading on your heels until you were provoked into obstructing an officer in the discharge of his duty. Any trifle of that sort would be sufficient to make a man like you lose your self-possession and put yourself in the wrong. You would then be charged and imprisoned until things quieted down. GUNNER. And you call that justice! LORD SUMMERHAYS. No. Justice was not my business. I had to govern a province; and I took the necessary steps to maintain order in it. Men are not governed by justice, but by law or persuasion. When they refuse to be governed by law or persuasion, they have to be governed by force or fraud, or both. I used both when law and persuasion failed me. Every ruler of men since the world began has done so, even when he has hated both fraud and force as heartily as I do. It is as well that you should know this, my young friend; so that you may recognize in time that anarchism is a game at which the police can beat you. What have you to say to that? GUNNER. What have I to say to it! Well, I call it scandalous: thats what I have to say to it. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Precisely: thats all anybody has to say to it, except the British public, which pretends not to believe it. And now let me ask you a sympathetic personal question. Havnt you a headache? GUNNER. Well, since you ask me, I have. Ive overexcited myself. MRS TARLETON. Poor lad! No wonder, after all youve gone through! You want to eat a little and to lie down. You come with me. I want you to tell me about your poor dear mother and about yourself. Come along with me. _[She leads the way to the inner door]._ GUNNER. _[following her obediently]_ Thank you kindly, madam. _[She goes out. Before passing out after her, he partly closes the door and stops an the landing for a moment to say]_ Mind: I'm not knuckling down to any man here. I knuckle down to Mrs Tarleton because shes a woman in a thousand. I affirm my manhood all the same. Understand: I dont give a damn for the lot of you. _[He hurries out, rather afraid of the consequences of this defiance, which has provoked Johnny to an impatient movement towards him]._ HYPATIA. Thank goodness hes gone! Oh, what a bore! WHAT a bore!!! Talk, talk, talk! TARLETON. Patsy: it's no good. We're going to talk. And we're going to talk about you. JOHNNY. It's no use shirking it, Pat. We'd better know where we are. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Come, Miss Tarleton. Wont you sit down? I'm very tired of standing. _[Hypatia comes from the pavilion and takes a chair at the worktable. Lord Summerhays takes the opposite chair, on her right. Percival takes the chair Johnny placed for Lina on her arrival. Tarleton sits down at the end of the writing table. Johnny remains standing. Lord Summerhays continues, with a sigh of relief at being seated.]_ We shall now get the change of subject we are all pining for. JOHNNY. _[puzzled]_ Whats that? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The great question. The question that men and women will spend hours over without complaining. The question that occupies all the novel readers and all the playgoers. The question they never get tired of. JOHNNY. But what question? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question which particular young man some young woman will mate with. PERCIVAL. As if it mattered! HYPATIA. _[sharply]_ Whats that you said? PERCIVAL. I said: As if it mattered. HYPATIA. I call that ungentlemanly. PERCIVAL. Do you care about that? you who are so magnificently unladylike! JOHNNY. Look here, Mr Percival: youre not supposed to insult my sister. HYPATIA. Oh, shut up, Johnny. I can take care of myself. Dont you interfere. JOHNNY. Oh, very well. If you choose to give yourself away like that--to allow a man to call you unladylike and then to be unladylike, Ive nothing more to say. HYPATIA. I think Mr Percival is most ungentlemanly; but I wont be protected. I'll not have my affairs interfered with by men on pretence of protecting me. I'm not your baby. If I interfered between you and a woman, you would soon tell me to mind my own business. TARLETON. Children: dont squabble. Read Dr Watts. Behave yourselves. JOHNNY. Ive nothing more to say; and as I dont seem to be wanted here, I shall take myself off. _[He goes out with affected calm through the pavilion]._ TARLETON. Summerhays: a family is an awful thing, an impossible thing. Cat and dog. Patsy: I'm ashamed of you. HYPATIA. I'll make it up with Johnny afterwards; but I really cant have him here sticking his clumsy hoof into my affairs. LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question is, Mr Percival, are you really a gentleman, or are you not? PERCIVAL. Was Napoleon really a gentleman or was he not? He made the lady get out of the way of the porter and said, "Respect the burden, madam." That was behaving like a very fine gentleman; but he kicked Volney for saying that what France wanted was the Bourbons back again. That was behaving rather like a navvy. Now I, like Napoleon, am not all one piece. On occasion, as you have all seen, I can behave like a gentleman. On occasion, I can behave with a brutal simplicity which Miss Tarleton herself could hardly surpass. TARLETON. Gentleman or no gentleman, Patsy: what are your intentions? HYPATIA. My intentions! Surely it's the gentleman who should be asked his intentions. TARLETON. Come now, Patsy! none of that nonsense. Has Mr Percival said anything to you that I ought to know or that Bentley ought to know? Have you said anything to Mr Percival? HYPATIA. Mr Percival chased me through the heather and kissed me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. As a gentleman, Mr Percival, what do you say to that? PERCIVAL. As a gentleman, I do not kiss and tell. As a mere man: a mere cad, if you like, I say that I did so at Miss Tarleton's own suggestion. HYPATIA. Beast! PERCIVAL. I dont deny that I enjoyed it. But I did not initiate it. And I began by running away. TARLETON. So Patsy can run faster than you, can she? PERCIVAL. Yes, when she is in pursuit of me. She runs faster and faster. I run slower and slower. And these woods of yours are full of magic. There was a confounded fern owl. Did you ever hear the churr of a fern owl? Did you ever hear it create a sudden silence by ceasing? Did you ever hear it call its mate by striking its wings together twice and whistling that single note that no nightingale can imitate? That is what happened in the woods when I was running away. So I turned; and the pursuer became the pursued. HYPATIA. I had to fight like a wild cat. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Please dont tell us this. It's not fit for old people to hear. TARLETON. Come: how did it end? HYPATIA. It's not ended yet. TARLETON. How is it going to end? HYPATIA. Ask him. TARLETON. How is it going to end, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. I cant afford to marry, Mr Tarleton. Ive only a thousand a year until my father dies. Two people cant possibly live on that. TARLETON. Oh, cant they? When _I_ married, I should have been jolly glad to have felt sure of the quarter of it. PERCIVAL. No doubt; but I am not a cheap person, Mr Tarleton. I was brought up in a household which cost at least seven or eight times that; and I am in constant money difficulties because I simply dont know how to live on the thousand a year scale. As to ask a woman to share my degrading poverty, it's out of the question. Besides, I'm rather young to marry. I'm only 28. HYPATIA. Papa: buy the brute for me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[shrinking]_ My dear Miss Tarleton: dont be so naughty. I know how delightful it is to shock an old man; but there is a point at which it becomes barbarous. Dont. Please dont. HYPATIA. Shall I tell Papa about you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Tarleton: I had better tell you that I once asked your daughter to become my widow. TARLETON. _[to Hypatia]_ Why didnt you accept him, you young idiot? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I was too old. TARLETON. All this has been going on under my nose, I suppose. You run after young men; and old men run after you. And I'm the last person in the world to hear of it. HYPATIA. How could I tell you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Parents and children, Tarleton. TARLETON. Oh, the gulf that lies between them! the impassable, eternal gulf! And so I'm to buy the brute for you, eh? HYPATIA. If you please, papa. TARLETON. Whats the price, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. We might do with another fifteen hundred if my father would contribute. But I should like more. TARLETON. It's purely a question of money with you, is it? PERCIVAL. _[after a moment's consideration]_ Practically yes: it turns on that. TARLETON. I thought you might have some sort of preference for Patsy, you know. PERCIVAL. Well, but does that matter, do you think? Patsy fascinates me, no doubt. I apparently fascinate Patsy. But, believe me, all that is not worth considering. One of my three fathers (the priest) has married hundreds of couples: couples selected by one another, couples selected by the parents, couples forced to marry one another by circumstances of one kind or another; and he assures me that if marriages were made by putting all the men's names into one sack and the women's names into another, and having them taken out by a blindfolded child like lottery numbers, there would be just as high a percentage of happy marriages as we have here in England. He said Cupid was nothing but the blindfolded child: pretty idea that, I think! I shall have as good a chance with Patsy as with anyone else. Mind: I'm not bigoted about it. I'm not a doctrinaire: not the slave of a theory. You and Lord Summerhays are experienced married men. If you can tell me of any trustworthy method of selecting a wife, I shall be happy to make use of it. I await your suggestions. _[He looks with polite attention to Lord Summerhays, who, having nothing to say, avoids his eye. He looks to Tarleton, who purses his lips glumly and rattles his money in his pockets without a word]._ Apparently neither of you has anything to suggest. Then Patsy will do as well as another, provided the money is forthcoming. HYPATIA. Oh, you beauty, you beauty! TARLETON. When I married Patsy's mother, I was in love with her. PERCIVAL. For the first time? TARLETON. Yes: for the first time. PERCIVAL. For the last time? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[revolted]_ Sir: you are in the presence of his daughter. HYPATIA. Oh, dont mind me. I dont care. I'm accustomed to Papa's adventures. TARLETON. _[blushing painfully]_ Patsy, my child: that was not--not delicate. HYPATIA. Well, papa, youve never shewn any delicacy in talking to me about my conduct; and I really dont see why I shouldnt talk to you about yours. It's such nonsense! Do you think young people dont know? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I'm sure they dont feel. Tarleton: this is too horrible, too brutal. If neither of these young people have any--any--any-- PERCIVAL. Shall we say paternal sentimentality? I'm extremely sorry to shock you; but you must remember that Ive been educated to discuss human affairs with three fathers simultaneously. I'm an adult person. Patsy is an adult person. You do not inspire me with veneration. Apparently you do not inspire Patsy with veneration. That may surprise you. It may pain you. I'm sorry. It cant be helped. What about the money? TARLETON. You dont inspire me with generosity, young man. HYPATIA. _[laughing with genuine amusement]_ He had you there, Joey. TARLETON. I havnt been a bad father to you, Patsy. HYPATIA. I dont say you have, dear. If only I could persuade you Ive grown up, we should get along perfectly. TARLETON. Do you remember Bill Burt? HYPATIA. Why? TARLETON. _[to the others]_ Bill Burt was a laborer here. I was going to sack him for kicking his father. He said his father had kicked him until he was big enough to kick back. Patsy begged him off. I asked that man what it felt like the first time he kicked his father, and found that it was just like kicking any other man. He laughed and said that it was the old man that knew what it felt like. Think of that, Summerhays! think of that! HYPATIA. I havnt kicked you, papa. TARLETON. Youve kicked me harder than Bill Burt ever kicked. LORD SUMMERHAYS. It's no use, Tarleton. Spare yourself. Do you seriously expect these young people, at their age, to sympathize with what this gentleman calls your paternal sentimentality? TARLETON. _[wistfully]_ Is it nothing to you but paternal sentimentality, Patsy? HYPATIA. Well, I greatly prefer your superabundant vitality, papa. TARLETON. _[violently]_ Hold your tongue, you young devil. The young are all alike: hard, coarse, shallow, cruel, selfish, dirty-minded. You can clear out of my house as soon as you can coax him to take you; and the sooner the better. _[To Percival]_ I think you said your price was fifteen hundred a year. Take it. And I wish you joy of your bargain. PERCIVAL. If you wish to know who I am-- TARLETON. I dont care a tinker's curse who you are or what you are. Youre willing to take that girl off my hands for fifteen hundred a year: thats all that concerns me. Tell her who you are if you like: it's her affair,

humors

How many times the word 'humors' appears in the text?

Do you consider that sufficient, Lord Summerhays? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh quite, quite. PERCIVAL. _[to Hypatia]_ Lord Summerhays would probably like to hear you say that you are satisfied, Miss Tarleton. HYPATIA. _[coming out of the swing, and advancing between Percival and Lord Summerhays]_ I must say that you have behaved like a perfect gentleman, Mr. Percival. PERCIVAL. _[first bowing to Hypatia, and then turning with cold contempt to Gunner, who is standing helpless]_ We need not trouble you any further. _[Gunner turns vaguely towards the pavilion]._ JOHNNY _[with less refined offensiveness, pointing to the pavilion]_ Thats your way. The gardener will shew you the shortest way into the road. Go the shortest way. GUNNER. _[oppressed and disconcerted, hardly knows how to get out of the room]_ Yes, sir. I-- _[He turns again, appealing to Tarleton]_ Maynt I have my mother's photographs back again? _[Mrs Tarleton pricks up her ears]._ TARLETON. Eh? What? Oh, the photographs! Yes, yes, yes: take them. _[Gunner takes them from the table, and is creeping away, when Mrs Tarleton puts out her hand and stops him]._ MRS TARLETON. Whats this, John? What were you doing with his mother's photographs? TARLETON. Nothing, nothing. Never mind, Chickabiddy: it's all right. MRS TARLETON. _[snatching the photographs from Gunner's irresolute fingers, and recognizing them at a glance]_ Lucy Titmus! Oh John, John! TARLETON. _[grimly, to Gunner]_ Young man: youre a fool; but youve just put the lid on this job in a masterly manner. I knew you would. I told you all to let well alone. You wouldnt; and now you must take the consequences--or rather _I_ must take them. MRS TARLETON. _[to Gunner]_ Are you Lucy's son? GUNNER. Yes. MRS TARLETON. And why didnt you come to me? I didnt turn my back on your mother when she came to me in her trouble. Didnt you know that? GUNNER. No. She never talked to me about anything. TARLETON. How could she talk to her own son? Shy, Summerhays, shy. Parent and child. Shy. _[He sits down at the end of the writing table nearest the sideboard like a man resigned to anything that fate may have in store for him]._ MRS TARLETON. Then how did you find out? GUNNER. From her papers after she died. MRS TARLETON. _[shocked]_ Is Lucy dead? And I never knew! _[With an effusion of tenderness]_ And you here being treated like that, poor orphan, with nobody to take your part! Tear up that foolish paper, child; and sit down and make friends with me. JOHNNY. | Hallo, mother this is all very well, you know-- | PERCIVAL. | But may I point out, Mrs Tarleton, that-- | BENTLEY. | Do you mean that after what he said of-- | HYPATIA. | Oh, look here, mamma: this is really-- MRS TARLETON. Will you please speak one at a time? _Silence._ PERCIVAL _[in a very gentlemanly manner]_ Will you allow me to remind you, Mrs Tarleton, that this man has uttered a most serious and disgraceful falsehood concerning Miss Tarleton and myself? MRS TARLETON. I dont believe a word of it. If the poor lad was there in the Turkish bath, who has a better right to say what was going on here than he has? You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Patsy; and so ought you too, Mr Percival, for encouraging her. _[Hypatia retreats to the pavilion, and exchanges grimaces with Johnny, shamelessly enjoying Percival's sudden reverse. They know their mother]._ PERCIVAL. _[gasping]_ Mrs Tarleton: I give you my word of honor-- MRS TARLETON. Oh, go along with you and your word of honor. Do you think I'm a fool? I wonder you can look the lad in the face after bullying him and making him sign those wicked lies; and all the time you carrying on with my daughter before youd been half an hour in my house. Fie, for shame! PERCIVAL. Lord Summerhays: I appeal to you. Have I done the correct thing or not? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Youve done your best, Mr Percival. But the correct thing depends for its success on everybody playing the game very strictly. As a single-handed game, it's impossible. BENTLEY. _[suddenly breaking out lamentably]_ Joey: have you taken Hypatia away from me? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[severely]_ Bentley! Bentley! Control yourself, sir. TARLETON. Come, Mr Percival! the shutters are up on the gentlemanly business. Try the truth. PERCIVAL. I am in a wretched position. If I tell the truth nobody will believe me. TARLETON. Oh yes they will. The truth makes everybody believe it. PERCIVAL. It also makes everybody pretend not to believe it. Mrs Tarleton: youre not playing the game. MRS TARLETON. I dont think youve behaved at all nicely, Mr Percival. BENTLEY. I wouldnt have played you such a dirty trick, Joey. _[Struggling with a sob]_ You beast. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Bentley: you must control yourself. Let me say at the same time, Mr Percival, that my son seems to have been mistaken in regarding you either as his friend or as a gentleman. PERCIVAL. Miss Tarleton: I'm suffering this for your sake. I ask you just to say that I am not to blame. Just that and nothing more. HYPATIA. _[gloating mischievously over his distress]_ You chased me through the heather and kissed me. You shouldnt have done that if you were not in earnest. PERCIVAL. Oh, this is really the limit. _[Turning desperately to Gunner]_ Sir: I appeal to you. As a gentleman! as a man of honor! as a man bound to stand by another man! You were in that Turkish bath. You saw how it began. Could any man have behaved more correctly than I did? Is there a shadow of foundation for the accusations brought against me? GUNNER. _[sorely perplexed]_ Well, what do you want me to say? JOHNNY. He has said what he had to say already, hasnt he? Read that paper. GUNNER. When I tell the truth, you make me go back on it. And now you want me to go back on myself! What is a man to do? PERCIVAL. _[patiently]_ Please try to get your mind clear, Mr Brown. I pointed out to you that you could not, as a gentleman, disparage a lady's character. You agree with me, I hope. GUNNER. Yes: that sounds all right. PERCIVAL. But youre also bound to tell the truth. Surely youll not deny that. GUNNER. Who's denying it? I say nothing against it. PERCIVAL. Of course not. Well, I ask you to tell the truth simply and unaffectedly. Did you witness any improper conduct on my part when you were in the bath? GUNNER. No, sir. JOHNNY. | Then what do you mean by saying that-- | HYPATIA. | Do you mean to say that I-- | BENTLEY. | Oh, you are a rotter. Youre afraid-- TARLETON. _[rising]_ Stop. _[Silence]._ Leave it at that. Enough said. You keep quiet, Johnny. Mr Percival: youre whitewashed. So are you, Patsy. Honors are easy. Lets drop the subject. The next thing to do is to open a subscription to start this young man on a ranch in some far country thats accustomed to be in a disturbed state. He-- MRS TARLETON. Now stop joking the poor lad, John: I wont have it. Has been worried to death between you all. _[To Gunner]_ Have you had your tea? GUNNER. Tea? No: it's too early. I'm all right; only I had no dinner: I didnt think I'd want it. I didnt think I'd be alive. MRS TARLETON. Oh, what a thing to say! You mustnt talk like that. JOHNNY. Hes out of his mind. He thinks it's past dinner-time. MRS TARLETON. Oh, youve no sense, Johnny. He calls his lunch his dinner, and has his tea at half-past six. Havnt you, dear? GUNNER. _[timidly]_ Hasnt everybody? JOHNNY. _[laughing]_ Well, by George, thats not bad. MRS TARLETON. Now dont be rude, Johnny: you know I dont like it. _[To Gunner]_ A cup of tea will pick you up. GUNNER. I'd rather not. I'm all right. TARLETON. _[going to the sideboard]_ Here! try a mouthful of sloe gin. GUNNER. No, thanks. I'm a teetotaler. I cant touch alcohol in any form. TARLETON. Nonsense! This isnt alcohol. Sloe gin. Vegetarian, you know. GUNNER. _[hesitating]_ Is it a fruit beverage? TARLETON. Of course it is. Fruit beverage. Here you are. _[He gives him a glass of sloe gin]._ GUNNER. _[going to the sideboard]_ Thanks. _[he begins to drink it confidently; but the first mouthful startles and almost chokes him]._ It's rather hot. TARLETON. Do you good. Dont be afraid of it. MRS TARLETON. _[going to him]_ Sip it, dear. Dont be in a hurry. _Gunner sips slowly, each sip making his eyes water._ JOHNNY. _[coming forward into the place left vacant by Gunner's visit to the sideboard]_ Well, now that the gentleman has been attended to, I should like to know where we are. It may be a vulgar business habit; but I confess I like to know where I am. TARLETON. I dont. Wherever you are, youre there anyhow. I tell you again, leave it at that. BENTLEY. I want to know too. Hypatia's engaged to me. HYPATIA. Bentley: if you insult me again--if you say another word, I'll leave the house and not enter it until you leave it. JOHNNY. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, my boy. BENTLEY. _[inarticulate with fury and suppressed tears]_ Oh! Beasts! Brutes! MRS TARLETON. Now dont hurt his feelings, poor little lamb! LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[very sternly]_ Bentley: you are not behaving well. You had better leave us until you have recovered yourself. _Bentley goes out in disgrace, but gets no further than half way to the pavilion door, when, with a wild sob, he throws himself on the floor and begins to yell._ MRS TARLETON. | _[running to him]_ Oh, poor child, | poor child! Dont cry, duckie: | he didnt mean it: dont cry. | LORD SUMMERHAYS| Stop that infernal noise, sir: do you | hear? Stop it instantly. | JOHNNY. | Thats the game he tried on me. | There you are! Now, mother! | Now, Patsy! You see for yourselves. | HYPATIA. | _[covering her ears]_ Oh you little | wretch! Stop him, Mr Percival. Kick him. | TARLETON. | Steady on, steady on. Easy, Bunny, easy. LINA. Leave him to me, Mrs Tarleton. Stand clear, please. _She kneels opposite Bentley; quickly lifts the upper half of him from the ground; dives under him; rises with his body hanging across her shoulders; and runs out with him._ BENTLEY. _[in scared, sobered, humble tones as he is borne off]_ What are you doing? Let me down. Please, Miss Szczepanowska-- _[they pass out of hearing]._ _An awestruck silence falls on the company as they speculate on Bentley's fate._ JOHNNY. I wonder what shes going to do with him. HYPATIA. Spank him, I hope. Spank him hard. LORD SUMMERHAYS. I hope so. I hope so. Tarleton: I'm beyond measure humiliated and annoyed by my son's behavior in your house. I had better take him home. TARLETON. Not at all: not at all. Now, Chickabiddy: as Miss Lina has taken away Ben, suppose you take away Mr Brown for a while. GUNNER. _[with unexpected aggressiveness]_ My name isnt Brown. _[They stare at him: he meets their stare defiantly, pugnacious with sloe gin; drains the last drop from his glass; throws it on the sideboard; and advances to the writing table]._ My name's Baker: Julius Baker. Mister Baker. If any man doubts it, I'm ready for him. MRS TARLETON. John: you shouldnt have given him that sloe gin. It's gone to his head. GUNNER. Dont you think it. Fruit beverages dont go to the head; and what matter if they did? I say nothing to you, maam: I regard you with respect and affection. _[Lachrymosely]_ You were very good to my mother: my poor mother! _[Relapsing into his daring mood]_ But I say my name's Baker; and I'm not to be treated as a child or made a slave of by any man. Baker is my name. Did you think I was going to give you my real name? Not likely. Not me. TARLETON. So you thought of John Brown. That was clever of you. GUNNER. Clever! Yes: we're not all such fools as you think: we clerks. It was the bookkeeper put me up to that. It's the only name that nobody gives as a false name, he said. Clever, eh? I should think so. MRS TARLETON. Come now, Julius-- GUNNER. _[reassuring her gravely]_ Dont you be alarmed, maam. I know what is due to you as a lady and to myself as a gentleman. I regard you with respect and affection. If you had been my mother, as you ought to have been, I should have had more chance. But you shall have no cause to be ashamed of me. The strength of a chain is no greater than its weakest link; but the greatness of a poet is the greatness of his greatest moment. Shakespear used to get drunk. Frederick the Great ran away from a battle. But it was what they could rise to, not what they could sink to, that made them great. They werent good always; but they were good on their day. Well, on my day--on my day, mind you--I'm good for something too. I know that Ive made a silly exhibition of myself here. I know I didnt rise to the occasion. I know that if youd been my mother, youd have been ashamed of me. I lost my presence of mind: I was a contemptible coward. But _[slapping himself on the chest]_ I'm not the man I was then. This is my day. Ive seen the tenth possessor of a foolish face carried out kicking and screaming by a woman. _[To Percival]_ You crowed pretty big over me. You hypnotized me. But when you were put through the fire yourself, you were found wanting. I tell you straight I dont give a damn for you. MRS TARLETON. No: thats naughty. You shouldnt say that before me. GUNNER. I would cut my tongue out sooner than say anything vulgar in your presence; for I regard you with respect and affection. I was not swearing. I was affirming my manhood. MRS TARLETON. What an idea! What puts all these things into your head? GUNNER. Oh, dont you think, because I'm a clerk, that I'm not one of the intellectuals. I'm a reading man, a thinking man. I read in a book--a high class six shilling book--this precept: Affirm your manhood. It appealed to me. Ive always remembered it. I believe in it. I feel I must do it to recover your respect after my cowardly behavior. Therefore I affirm it in your presence. I tell that man who insulted me that I dont give a damn for him. And neither I do. TARLETON. I say, Summerhays: did you have chaps of this sort in Jinghiskahn? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh yes: they exist everywhere: they are a most serious modern problem. GUNNER. Yes. Youre right. _[Conceitedly]_ I'm a problem. And I tell you that when we clerks realize that we're problems! well, look out: thats all. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[suavely, to Gunner]_ You read a great deal, you say? GUNNER. Ive read more than any man in this room, if the truth were known, I expect. Thats whats going to smash up your Capitalism. The problems are beginning to read. Ha! We're free to do that here in England. What would you do with me in Jinghiskahn if you had me there? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Well, since you ask me so directly, I'll tell you. I should take advantage of the fact that you have neither sense enough nor strength enough to know how to behave yourself in a difficulty of any sort. I should warn an intelligent and ambitious policeman that you are a troublesome person. The intelligent and ambitious policeman would take an early opportunity of upsetting your temper by ordering you to move on, and treading on your heels until you were provoked into obstructing an officer in the discharge of his duty. Any trifle of that sort would be sufficient to make a man like you lose your self-possession and put yourself in the wrong. You would then be charged and imprisoned until things quieted down. GUNNER. And you call that justice! LORD SUMMERHAYS. No. Justice was not my business. I had to govern a province; and I took the necessary steps to maintain order in it. Men are not governed by justice, but by law or persuasion. When they refuse to be governed by law or persuasion, they have to be governed by force or fraud, or both. I used both when law and persuasion failed me. Every ruler of men since the world began has done so, even when he has hated both fraud and force as heartily as I do. It is as well that you should know this, my young friend; so that you may recognize in time that anarchism is a game at which the police can beat you. What have you to say to that? GUNNER. What have I to say to it! Well, I call it scandalous: thats what I have to say to it. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Precisely: thats all anybody has to say to it, except the British public, which pretends not to believe it. And now let me ask you a sympathetic personal question. Havnt you a headache? GUNNER. Well, since you ask me, I have. Ive overexcited myself. MRS TARLETON. Poor lad! No wonder, after all youve gone through! You want to eat a little and to lie down. You come with me. I want you to tell me about your poor dear mother and about yourself. Come along with me. _[She leads the way to the inner door]._ GUNNER. _[following her obediently]_ Thank you kindly, madam. _[She goes out. Before passing out after her, he partly closes the door and stops an the landing for a moment to say]_ Mind: I'm not knuckling down to any man here. I knuckle down to Mrs Tarleton because shes a woman in a thousand. I affirm my manhood all the same. Understand: I dont give a damn for the lot of you. _[He hurries out, rather afraid of the consequences of this defiance, which has provoked Johnny to an impatient movement towards him]._ HYPATIA. Thank goodness hes gone! Oh, what a bore! WHAT a bore!!! Talk, talk, talk! TARLETON. Patsy: it's no good. We're going to talk. And we're going to talk about you. JOHNNY. It's no use shirking it, Pat. We'd better know where we are. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Come, Miss Tarleton. Wont you sit down? I'm very tired of standing. _[Hypatia comes from the pavilion and takes a chair at the worktable. Lord Summerhays takes the opposite chair, on her right. Percival takes the chair Johnny placed for Lina on her arrival. Tarleton sits down at the end of the writing table. Johnny remains standing. Lord Summerhays continues, with a sigh of relief at being seated.]_ We shall now get the change of subject we are all pining for. JOHNNY. _[puzzled]_ Whats that? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The great question. The question that men and women will spend hours over without complaining. The question that occupies all the novel readers and all the playgoers. The question they never get tired of. JOHNNY. But what question? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question which particular young man some young woman will mate with. PERCIVAL. As if it mattered! HYPATIA. _[sharply]_ Whats that you said? PERCIVAL. I said: As if it mattered. HYPATIA. I call that ungentlemanly. PERCIVAL. Do you care about that? you who are so magnificently unladylike! JOHNNY. Look here, Mr Percival: youre not supposed to insult my sister. HYPATIA. Oh, shut up, Johnny. I can take care of myself. Dont you interfere. JOHNNY. Oh, very well. If you choose to give yourself away like that--to allow a man to call you unladylike and then to be unladylike, Ive nothing more to say. HYPATIA. I think Mr Percival is most ungentlemanly; but I wont be protected. I'll not have my affairs interfered with by men on pretence of protecting me. I'm not your baby. If I interfered between you and a woman, you would soon tell me to mind my own business. TARLETON. Children: dont squabble. Read Dr Watts. Behave yourselves. JOHNNY. Ive nothing more to say; and as I dont seem to be wanted here, I shall take myself off. _[He goes out with affected calm through the pavilion]._ TARLETON. Summerhays: a family is an awful thing, an impossible thing. Cat and dog. Patsy: I'm ashamed of you. HYPATIA. I'll make it up with Johnny afterwards; but I really cant have him here sticking his clumsy hoof into my affairs. LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question is, Mr Percival, are you really a gentleman, or are you not? PERCIVAL. Was Napoleon really a gentleman or was he not? He made the lady get out of the way of the porter and said, "Respect the burden, madam." That was behaving like a very fine gentleman; but he kicked Volney for saying that what France wanted was the Bourbons back again. That was behaving rather like a navvy. Now I, like Napoleon, am not all one piece. On occasion, as you have all seen, I can behave like a gentleman. On occasion, I can behave with a brutal simplicity which Miss Tarleton herself could hardly surpass. TARLETON. Gentleman or no gentleman, Patsy: what are your intentions? HYPATIA. My intentions! Surely it's the gentleman who should be asked his intentions. TARLETON. Come now, Patsy! none of that nonsense. Has Mr Percival said anything to you that I ought to know or that Bentley ought to know? Have you said anything to Mr Percival? HYPATIA. Mr Percival chased me through the heather and kissed me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. As a gentleman, Mr Percival, what do you say to that? PERCIVAL. As a gentleman, I do not kiss and tell. As a mere man: a mere cad, if you like, I say that I did so at Miss Tarleton's own suggestion. HYPATIA. Beast! PERCIVAL. I dont deny that I enjoyed it. But I did not initiate it. And I began by running away. TARLETON. So Patsy can run faster than you, can she? PERCIVAL. Yes, when she is in pursuit of me. She runs faster and faster. I run slower and slower. And these woods of yours are full of magic. There was a confounded fern owl. Did you ever hear the churr of a fern owl? Did you ever hear it create a sudden silence by ceasing? Did you ever hear it call its mate by striking its wings together twice and whistling that single note that no nightingale can imitate? That is what happened in the woods when I was running away. So I turned; and the pursuer became the pursued. HYPATIA. I had to fight like a wild cat. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Please dont tell us this. It's not fit for old people to hear. TARLETON. Come: how did it end? HYPATIA. It's not ended yet. TARLETON. How is it going to end? HYPATIA. Ask him. TARLETON. How is it going to end, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. I cant afford to marry, Mr Tarleton. Ive only a thousand a year until my father dies. Two people cant possibly live on that. TARLETON. Oh, cant they? When _I_ married, I should have been jolly glad to have felt sure of the quarter of it. PERCIVAL. No doubt; but I am not a cheap person, Mr Tarleton. I was brought up in a household which cost at least seven or eight times that; and I am in constant money difficulties because I simply dont know how to live on the thousand a year scale. As to ask a woman to share my degrading poverty, it's out of the question. Besides, I'm rather young to marry. I'm only 28. HYPATIA. Papa: buy the brute for me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[shrinking]_ My dear Miss Tarleton: dont be so naughty. I know how delightful it is to shock an old man; but there is a point at which it becomes barbarous. Dont. Please dont. HYPATIA. Shall I tell Papa about you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Tarleton: I had better tell you that I once asked your daughter to become my widow. TARLETON. _[to Hypatia]_ Why didnt you accept him, you young idiot? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I was too old. TARLETON. All this has been going on under my nose, I suppose. You run after young men; and old men run after you. And I'm the last person in the world to hear of it. HYPATIA. How could I tell you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Parents and children, Tarleton. TARLETON. Oh, the gulf that lies between them! the impassable, eternal gulf! And so I'm to buy the brute for you, eh? HYPATIA. If you please, papa. TARLETON. Whats the price, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. We might do with another fifteen hundred if my father would contribute. But I should like more. TARLETON. It's purely a question of money with you, is it? PERCIVAL. _[after a moment's consideration]_ Practically yes: it turns on that. TARLETON. I thought you might have some sort of preference for Patsy, you know. PERCIVAL. Well, but does that matter, do you think? Patsy fascinates me, no doubt. I apparently fascinate Patsy. But, believe me, all that is not worth considering. One of my three fathers (the priest) has married hundreds of couples: couples selected by one another, couples selected by the parents, couples forced to marry one another by circumstances of one kind or another; and he assures me that if marriages were made by putting all the men's names into one sack and the women's names into another, and having them taken out by a blindfolded child like lottery numbers, there would be just as high a percentage of happy marriages as we have here in England. He said Cupid was nothing but the blindfolded child: pretty idea that, I think! I shall have as good a chance with Patsy as with anyone else. Mind: I'm not bigoted about it. I'm not a doctrinaire: not the slave of a theory. You and Lord Summerhays are experienced married men. If you can tell me of any trustworthy method of selecting a wife, I shall be happy to make use of it. I await your suggestions. _[He looks with polite attention to Lord Summerhays, who, having nothing to say, avoids his eye. He looks to Tarleton, who purses his lips glumly and rattles his money in his pockets without a word]._ Apparently neither of you has anything to suggest. Then Patsy will do as well as another, provided the money is forthcoming. HYPATIA. Oh, you beauty, you beauty! TARLETON. When I married Patsy's mother, I was in love with her. PERCIVAL. For the first time? TARLETON. Yes: for the first time. PERCIVAL. For the last time? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[revolted]_ Sir: you are in the presence of his daughter. HYPATIA. Oh, dont mind me. I dont care. I'm accustomed to Papa's adventures. TARLETON. _[blushing painfully]_ Patsy, my child: that was not--not delicate. HYPATIA. Well, papa, youve never shewn any delicacy in talking to me about my conduct; and I really dont see why I shouldnt talk to you about yours. It's such nonsense! Do you think young people dont know? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I'm sure they dont feel. Tarleton: this is too horrible, too brutal. If neither of these young people have any--any--any-- PERCIVAL. Shall we say paternal sentimentality? I'm extremely sorry to shock you; but you must remember that Ive been educated to discuss human affairs with three fathers simultaneously. I'm an adult person. Patsy is an adult person. You do not inspire me with veneration. Apparently you do not inspire Patsy with veneration. That may surprise you. It may pain you. I'm sorry. It cant be helped. What about the money? TARLETON. You dont inspire me with generosity, young man. HYPATIA. _[laughing with genuine amusement]_ He had you there, Joey. TARLETON. I havnt been a bad father to you, Patsy. HYPATIA. I dont say you have, dear. If only I could persuade you Ive grown up, we should get along perfectly. TARLETON. Do you remember Bill Burt? HYPATIA. Why? TARLETON. _[to the others]_ Bill Burt was a laborer here. I was going to sack him for kicking his father. He said his father had kicked him until he was big enough to kick back. Patsy begged him off. I asked that man what it felt like the first time he kicked his father, and found that it was just like kicking any other man. He laughed and said that it was the old man that knew what it felt like. Think of that, Summerhays! think of that! HYPATIA. I havnt kicked you, papa. TARLETON. Youve kicked me harder than Bill Burt ever kicked. LORD SUMMERHAYS. It's no use, Tarleton. Spare yourself. Do you seriously expect these young people, at their age, to sympathize with what this gentleman calls your paternal sentimentality? TARLETON. _[wistfully]_ Is it nothing to you but paternal sentimentality, Patsy? HYPATIA. Well, I greatly prefer your superabundant vitality, papa. TARLETON. _[violently]_ Hold your tongue, you young devil. The young are all alike: hard, coarse, shallow, cruel, selfish, dirty-minded. You can clear out of my house as soon as you can coax him to take you; and the sooner the better. _[To Percival]_ I think you said your price was fifteen hundred a year. Take it. And I wish you joy of your bargain. PERCIVAL. If you wish to know who I am-- TARLETON. I dont care a tinker's curse who you are or what you are. Youre willing to take that girl off my hands for fifteen hundred a year: thats all that concerns me. Tell her who you are if you like: it's her affair,

overexcited

How many times the word 'overexcited' appears in the text?

Do you consider that sufficient, Lord Summerhays? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh quite, quite. PERCIVAL. _[to Hypatia]_ Lord Summerhays would probably like to hear you say that you are satisfied, Miss Tarleton. HYPATIA. _[coming out of the swing, and advancing between Percival and Lord Summerhays]_ I must say that you have behaved like a perfect gentleman, Mr. Percival. PERCIVAL. _[first bowing to Hypatia, and then turning with cold contempt to Gunner, who is standing helpless]_ We need not trouble you any further. _[Gunner turns vaguely towards the pavilion]._ JOHNNY _[with less refined offensiveness, pointing to the pavilion]_ Thats your way. The gardener will shew you the shortest way into the road. Go the shortest way. GUNNER. _[oppressed and disconcerted, hardly knows how to get out of the room]_ Yes, sir. I-- _[He turns again, appealing to Tarleton]_ Maynt I have my mother's photographs back again? _[Mrs Tarleton pricks up her ears]._ TARLETON. Eh? What? Oh, the photographs! Yes, yes, yes: take them. _[Gunner takes them from the table, and is creeping away, when Mrs Tarleton puts out her hand and stops him]._ MRS TARLETON. Whats this, John? What were you doing with his mother's photographs? TARLETON. Nothing, nothing. Never mind, Chickabiddy: it's all right. MRS TARLETON. _[snatching the photographs from Gunner's irresolute fingers, and recognizing them at a glance]_ Lucy Titmus! Oh John, John! TARLETON. _[grimly, to Gunner]_ Young man: youre a fool; but youve just put the lid on this job in a masterly manner. I knew you would. I told you all to let well alone. You wouldnt; and now you must take the consequences--or rather _I_ must take them. MRS TARLETON. _[to Gunner]_ Are you Lucy's son? GUNNER. Yes. MRS TARLETON. And why didnt you come to me? I didnt turn my back on your mother when she came to me in her trouble. Didnt you know that? GUNNER. No. She never talked to me about anything. TARLETON. How could she talk to her own son? Shy, Summerhays, shy. Parent and child. Shy. _[He sits down at the end of the writing table nearest the sideboard like a man resigned to anything that fate may have in store for him]._ MRS TARLETON. Then how did you find out? GUNNER. From her papers after she died. MRS TARLETON. _[shocked]_ Is Lucy dead? And I never knew! _[With an effusion of tenderness]_ And you here being treated like that, poor orphan, with nobody to take your part! Tear up that foolish paper, child; and sit down and make friends with me. JOHNNY. | Hallo, mother this is all very well, you know-- | PERCIVAL. | But may I point out, Mrs Tarleton, that-- | BENTLEY. | Do you mean that after what he said of-- | HYPATIA. | Oh, look here, mamma: this is really-- MRS TARLETON. Will you please speak one at a time? _Silence._ PERCIVAL _[in a very gentlemanly manner]_ Will you allow me to remind you, Mrs Tarleton, that this man has uttered a most serious and disgraceful falsehood concerning Miss Tarleton and myself? MRS TARLETON. I dont believe a word of it. If the poor lad was there in the Turkish bath, who has a better right to say what was going on here than he has? You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Patsy; and so ought you too, Mr Percival, for encouraging her. _[Hypatia retreats to the pavilion, and exchanges grimaces with Johnny, shamelessly enjoying Percival's sudden reverse. They know their mother]._ PERCIVAL. _[gasping]_ Mrs Tarleton: I give you my word of honor-- MRS TARLETON. Oh, go along with you and your word of honor. Do you think I'm a fool? I wonder you can look the lad in the face after bullying him and making him sign those wicked lies; and all the time you carrying on with my daughter before youd been half an hour in my house. Fie, for shame! PERCIVAL. Lord Summerhays: I appeal to you. Have I done the correct thing or not? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Youve done your best, Mr Percival. But the correct thing depends for its success on everybody playing the game very strictly. As a single-handed game, it's impossible. BENTLEY. _[suddenly breaking out lamentably]_ Joey: have you taken Hypatia away from me? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[severely]_ Bentley! Bentley! Control yourself, sir. TARLETON. Come, Mr Percival! the shutters are up on the gentlemanly business. Try the truth. PERCIVAL. I am in a wretched position. If I tell the truth nobody will believe me. TARLETON. Oh yes they will. The truth makes everybody believe it. PERCIVAL. It also makes everybody pretend not to believe it. Mrs Tarleton: youre not playing the game. MRS TARLETON. I dont think youve behaved at all nicely, Mr Percival. BENTLEY. I wouldnt have played you such a dirty trick, Joey. _[Struggling with a sob]_ You beast. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Bentley: you must control yourself. Let me say at the same time, Mr Percival, that my son seems to have been mistaken in regarding you either as his friend or as a gentleman. PERCIVAL. Miss Tarleton: I'm suffering this for your sake. I ask you just to say that I am not to blame. Just that and nothing more. HYPATIA. _[gloating mischievously over his distress]_ You chased me through the heather and kissed me. You shouldnt have done that if you were not in earnest. PERCIVAL. Oh, this is really the limit. _[Turning desperately to Gunner]_ Sir: I appeal to you. As a gentleman! as a man of honor! as a man bound to stand by another man! You were in that Turkish bath. You saw how it began. Could any man have behaved more correctly than I did? Is there a shadow of foundation for the accusations brought against me? GUNNER. _[sorely perplexed]_ Well, what do you want me to say? JOHNNY. He has said what he had to say already, hasnt he? Read that paper. GUNNER. When I tell the truth, you make me go back on it. And now you want me to go back on myself! What is a man to do? PERCIVAL. _[patiently]_ Please try to get your mind clear, Mr Brown. I pointed out to you that you could not, as a gentleman, disparage a lady's character. You agree with me, I hope. GUNNER. Yes: that sounds all right. PERCIVAL. But youre also bound to tell the truth. Surely youll not deny that. GUNNER. Who's denying it? I say nothing against it. PERCIVAL. Of course not. Well, I ask you to tell the truth simply and unaffectedly. Did you witness any improper conduct on my part when you were in the bath? GUNNER. No, sir. JOHNNY. | Then what do you mean by saying that-- | HYPATIA. | Do you mean to say that I-- | BENTLEY. | Oh, you are a rotter. Youre afraid-- TARLETON. _[rising]_ Stop. _[Silence]._ Leave it at that. Enough said. You keep quiet, Johnny. Mr Percival: youre whitewashed. So are you, Patsy. Honors are easy. Lets drop the subject. The next thing to do is to open a subscription to start this young man on a ranch in some far country thats accustomed to be in a disturbed state. He-- MRS TARLETON. Now stop joking the poor lad, John: I wont have it. Has been worried to death between you all. _[To Gunner]_ Have you had your tea? GUNNER. Tea? No: it's too early. I'm all right; only I had no dinner: I didnt think I'd want it. I didnt think I'd be alive. MRS TARLETON. Oh, what a thing to say! You mustnt talk like that. JOHNNY. Hes out of his mind. He thinks it's past dinner-time. MRS TARLETON. Oh, youve no sense, Johnny. He calls his lunch his dinner, and has his tea at half-past six. Havnt you, dear? GUNNER. _[timidly]_ Hasnt everybody? JOHNNY. _[laughing]_ Well, by George, thats not bad. MRS TARLETON. Now dont be rude, Johnny: you know I dont like it. _[To Gunner]_ A cup of tea will pick you up. GUNNER. I'd rather not. I'm all right. TARLETON. _[going to the sideboard]_ Here! try a mouthful of sloe gin. GUNNER. No, thanks. I'm a teetotaler. I cant touch alcohol in any form. TARLETON. Nonsense! This isnt alcohol. Sloe gin. Vegetarian, you know. GUNNER. _[hesitating]_ Is it a fruit beverage? TARLETON. Of course it is. Fruit beverage. Here you are. _[He gives him a glass of sloe gin]._ GUNNER. _[going to the sideboard]_ Thanks. _[he begins to drink it confidently; but the first mouthful startles and almost chokes him]._ It's rather hot. TARLETON. Do you good. Dont be afraid of it. MRS TARLETON. _[going to him]_ Sip it, dear. Dont be in a hurry. _Gunner sips slowly, each sip making his eyes water._ JOHNNY. _[coming forward into the place left vacant by Gunner's visit to the sideboard]_ Well, now that the gentleman has been attended to, I should like to know where we are. It may be a vulgar business habit; but I confess I like to know where I am. TARLETON. I dont. Wherever you are, youre there anyhow. I tell you again, leave it at that. BENTLEY. I want to know too. Hypatia's engaged to me. HYPATIA. Bentley: if you insult me again--if you say another word, I'll leave the house and not enter it until you leave it. JOHNNY. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, my boy. BENTLEY. _[inarticulate with fury and suppressed tears]_ Oh! Beasts! Brutes! MRS TARLETON. Now dont hurt his feelings, poor little lamb! LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[very sternly]_ Bentley: you are not behaving well. You had better leave us until you have recovered yourself. _Bentley goes out in disgrace, but gets no further than half way to the pavilion door, when, with a wild sob, he throws himself on the floor and begins to yell._ MRS TARLETON. | _[running to him]_ Oh, poor child, | poor child! Dont cry, duckie: | he didnt mean it: dont cry. | LORD SUMMERHAYS| Stop that infernal noise, sir: do you | hear? Stop it instantly. | JOHNNY. | Thats the game he tried on me. | There you are! Now, mother! | Now, Patsy! You see for yourselves. | HYPATIA. | _[covering her ears]_ Oh you little | wretch! Stop him, Mr Percival. Kick him. | TARLETON. | Steady on, steady on. Easy, Bunny, easy. LINA. Leave him to me, Mrs Tarleton. Stand clear, please. _She kneels opposite Bentley; quickly lifts the upper half of him from the ground; dives under him; rises with his body hanging across her shoulders; and runs out with him._ BENTLEY. _[in scared, sobered, humble tones as he is borne off]_ What are you doing? Let me down. Please, Miss Szczepanowska-- _[they pass out of hearing]._ _An awestruck silence falls on the company as they speculate on Bentley's fate._ JOHNNY. I wonder what shes going to do with him. HYPATIA. Spank him, I hope. Spank him hard. LORD SUMMERHAYS. I hope so. I hope so. Tarleton: I'm beyond measure humiliated and annoyed by my son's behavior in your house. I had better take him home. TARLETON. Not at all: not at all. Now, Chickabiddy: as Miss Lina has taken away Ben, suppose you take away Mr Brown for a while. GUNNER. _[with unexpected aggressiveness]_ My name isnt Brown. _[They stare at him: he meets their stare defiantly, pugnacious with sloe gin; drains the last drop from his glass; throws it on the sideboard; and advances to the writing table]._ My name's Baker: Julius Baker. Mister Baker. If any man doubts it, I'm ready for him. MRS TARLETON. John: you shouldnt have given him that sloe gin. It's gone to his head. GUNNER. Dont you think it. Fruit beverages dont go to the head; and what matter if they did? I say nothing to you, maam: I regard you with respect and affection. _[Lachrymosely]_ You were very good to my mother: my poor mother! _[Relapsing into his daring mood]_ But I say my name's Baker; and I'm not to be treated as a child or made a slave of by any man. Baker is my name. Did you think I was going to give you my real name? Not likely. Not me. TARLETON. So you thought of John Brown. That was clever of you. GUNNER. Clever! Yes: we're not all such fools as you think: we clerks. It was the bookkeeper put me up to that. It's the only name that nobody gives as a false name, he said. Clever, eh? I should think so. MRS TARLETON. Come now, Julius-- GUNNER. _[reassuring her gravely]_ Dont you be alarmed, maam. I know what is due to you as a lady and to myself as a gentleman. I regard you with respect and affection. If you had been my mother, as you ought to have been, I should have had more chance. But you shall have no cause to be ashamed of me. The strength of a chain is no greater than its weakest link; but the greatness of a poet is the greatness of his greatest moment. Shakespear used to get drunk. Frederick the Great ran away from a battle. But it was what they could rise to, not what they could sink to, that made them great. They werent good always; but they were good on their day. Well, on my day--on my day, mind you--I'm good for something too. I know that Ive made a silly exhibition of myself here. I know I didnt rise to the occasion. I know that if youd been my mother, youd have been ashamed of me. I lost my presence of mind: I was a contemptible coward. But _[slapping himself on the chest]_ I'm not the man I was then. This is my day. Ive seen the tenth possessor of a foolish face carried out kicking and screaming by a woman. _[To Percival]_ You crowed pretty big over me. You hypnotized me. But when you were put through the fire yourself, you were found wanting. I tell you straight I dont give a damn for you. MRS TARLETON. No: thats naughty. You shouldnt say that before me. GUNNER. I would cut my tongue out sooner than say anything vulgar in your presence; for I regard you with respect and affection. I was not swearing. I was affirming my manhood. MRS TARLETON. What an idea! What puts all these things into your head? GUNNER. Oh, dont you think, because I'm a clerk, that I'm not one of the intellectuals. I'm a reading man, a thinking man. I read in a book--a high class six shilling book--this precept: Affirm your manhood. It appealed to me. Ive always remembered it. I believe in it. I feel I must do it to recover your respect after my cowardly behavior. Therefore I affirm it in your presence. I tell that man who insulted me that I dont give a damn for him. And neither I do. TARLETON. I say, Summerhays: did you have chaps of this sort in Jinghiskahn? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh yes: they exist everywhere: they are a most serious modern problem. GUNNER. Yes. Youre right. _[Conceitedly]_ I'm a problem. And I tell you that when we clerks realize that we're problems! well, look out: thats all. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[suavely, to Gunner]_ You read a great deal, you say? GUNNER. Ive read more than any man in this room, if the truth were known, I expect. Thats whats going to smash up your Capitalism. The problems are beginning to read. Ha! We're free to do that here in England. What would you do with me in Jinghiskahn if you had me there? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Well, since you ask me so directly, I'll tell you. I should take advantage of the fact that you have neither sense enough nor strength enough to know how to behave yourself in a difficulty of any sort. I should warn an intelligent and ambitious policeman that you are a troublesome person. The intelligent and ambitious policeman would take an early opportunity of upsetting your temper by ordering you to move on, and treading on your heels until you were provoked into obstructing an officer in the discharge of his duty. Any trifle of that sort would be sufficient to make a man like you lose your self-possession and put yourself in the wrong. You would then be charged and imprisoned until things quieted down. GUNNER. And you call that justice! LORD SUMMERHAYS. No. Justice was not my business. I had to govern a province; and I took the necessary steps to maintain order in it. Men are not governed by justice, but by law or persuasion. When they refuse to be governed by law or persuasion, they have to be governed by force or fraud, or both. I used both when law and persuasion failed me. Every ruler of men since the world began has done so, even when he has hated both fraud and force as heartily as I do. It is as well that you should know this, my young friend; so that you may recognize in time that anarchism is a game at which the police can beat you. What have you to say to that? GUNNER. What have I to say to it! Well, I call it scandalous: thats what I have to say to it. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Precisely: thats all anybody has to say to it, except the British public, which pretends not to believe it. And now let me ask you a sympathetic personal question. Havnt you a headache? GUNNER. Well, since you ask me, I have. Ive overexcited myself. MRS TARLETON. Poor lad! No wonder, after all youve gone through! You want to eat a little and to lie down. You come with me. I want you to tell me about your poor dear mother and about yourself. Come along with me. _[She leads the way to the inner door]._ GUNNER. _[following her obediently]_ Thank you kindly, madam. _[She goes out. Before passing out after her, he partly closes the door and stops an the landing for a moment to say]_ Mind: I'm not knuckling down to any man here. I knuckle down to Mrs Tarleton because shes a woman in a thousand. I affirm my manhood all the same. Understand: I dont give a damn for the lot of you. _[He hurries out, rather afraid of the consequences of this defiance, which has provoked Johnny to an impatient movement towards him]._ HYPATIA. Thank goodness hes gone! Oh, what a bore! WHAT a bore!!! Talk, talk, talk! TARLETON. Patsy: it's no good. We're going to talk. And we're going to talk about you. JOHNNY. It's no use shirking it, Pat. We'd better know where we are. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Come, Miss Tarleton. Wont you sit down? I'm very tired of standing. _[Hypatia comes from the pavilion and takes a chair at the worktable. Lord Summerhays takes the opposite chair, on her right. Percival takes the chair Johnny placed for Lina on her arrival. Tarleton sits down at the end of the writing table. Johnny remains standing. Lord Summerhays continues, with a sigh of relief at being seated.]_ We shall now get the change of subject we are all pining for. JOHNNY. _[puzzled]_ Whats that? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The great question. The question that men and women will spend hours over without complaining. The question that occupies all the novel readers and all the playgoers. The question they never get tired of. JOHNNY. But what question? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question which particular young man some young woman will mate with. PERCIVAL. As if it mattered! HYPATIA. _[sharply]_ Whats that you said? PERCIVAL. I said: As if it mattered. HYPATIA. I call that ungentlemanly. PERCIVAL. Do you care about that? you who are so magnificently unladylike! JOHNNY. Look here, Mr Percival: youre not supposed to insult my sister. HYPATIA. Oh, shut up, Johnny. I can take care of myself. Dont you interfere. JOHNNY. Oh, very well. If you choose to give yourself away like that--to allow a man to call you unladylike and then to be unladylike, Ive nothing more to say. HYPATIA. I think Mr Percival is most ungentlemanly; but I wont be protected. I'll not have my affairs interfered with by men on pretence of protecting me. I'm not your baby. If I interfered between you and a woman, you would soon tell me to mind my own business. TARLETON. Children: dont squabble. Read Dr Watts. Behave yourselves. JOHNNY. Ive nothing more to say; and as I dont seem to be wanted here, I shall take myself off. _[He goes out with affected calm through the pavilion]._ TARLETON. Summerhays: a family is an awful thing, an impossible thing. Cat and dog. Patsy: I'm ashamed of you. HYPATIA. I'll make it up with Johnny afterwards; but I really cant have him here sticking his clumsy hoof into my affairs. LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question is, Mr Percival, are you really a gentleman, or are you not? PERCIVAL. Was Napoleon really a gentleman or was he not? He made the lady get out of the way of the porter and said, "Respect the burden, madam." That was behaving like a very fine gentleman; but he kicked Volney for saying that what France wanted was the Bourbons back again. That was behaving rather like a navvy. Now I, like Napoleon, am not all one piece. On occasion, as you have all seen, I can behave like a gentleman. On occasion, I can behave with a brutal simplicity which Miss Tarleton herself could hardly surpass. TARLETON. Gentleman or no gentleman, Patsy: what are your intentions? HYPATIA. My intentions! Surely it's the gentleman who should be asked his intentions. TARLETON. Come now, Patsy! none of that nonsense. Has Mr Percival said anything to you that I ought to know or that Bentley ought to know? Have you said anything to Mr Percival? HYPATIA. Mr Percival chased me through the heather and kissed me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. As a gentleman, Mr Percival, what do you say to that? PERCIVAL. As a gentleman, I do not kiss and tell. As a mere man: a mere cad, if you like, I say that I did so at Miss Tarleton's own suggestion. HYPATIA. Beast! PERCIVAL. I dont deny that I enjoyed it. But I did not initiate it. And I began by running away. TARLETON. So Patsy can run faster than you, can she? PERCIVAL. Yes, when she is in pursuit of me. She runs faster and faster. I run slower and slower. And these woods of yours are full of magic. There was a confounded fern owl. Did you ever hear the churr of a fern owl? Did you ever hear it create a sudden silence by ceasing? Did you ever hear it call its mate by striking its wings together twice and whistling that single note that no nightingale can imitate? That is what happened in the woods when I was running away. So I turned; and the pursuer became the pursued. HYPATIA. I had to fight like a wild cat. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Please dont tell us this. It's not fit for old people to hear. TARLETON. Come: how did it end? HYPATIA. It's not ended yet. TARLETON. How is it going to end? HYPATIA. Ask him. TARLETON. How is it going to end, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. I cant afford to marry, Mr Tarleton. Ive only a thousand a year until my father dies. Two people cant possibly live on that. TARLETON. Oh, cant they? When _I_ married, I should have been jolly glad to have felt sure of the quarter of it. PERCIVAL. No doubt; but I am not a cheap person, Mr Tarleton. I was brought up in a household which cost at least seven or eight times that; and I am in constant money difficulties because I simply dont know how to live on the thousand a year scale. As to ask a woman to share my degrading poverty, it's out of the question. Besides, I'm rather young to marry. I'm only 28. HYPATIA. Papa: buy the brute for me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[shrinking]_ My dear Miss Tarleton: dont be so naughty. I know how delightful it is to shock an old man; but there is a point at which it becomes barbarous. Dont. Please dont. HYPATIA. Shall I tell Papa about you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Tarleton: I had better tell you that I once asked your daughter to become my widow. TARLETON. _[to Hypatia]_ Why didnt you accept him, you young idiot? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I was too old. TARLETON. All this has been going on under my nose, I suppose. You run after young men; and old men run after you. And I'm the last person in the world to hear of it. HYPATIA. How could I tell you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Parents and children, Tarleton. TARLETON. Oh, the gulf that lies between them! the impassable, eternal gulf! And so I'm to buy the brute for you, eh? HYPATIA. If you please, papa. TARLETON. Whats the price, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. We might do with another fifteen hundred if my father would contribute. But I should like more. TARLETON. It's purely a question of money with you, is it? PERCIVAL. _[after a moment's consideration]_ Practically yes: it turns on that. TARLETON. I thought you might have some sort of preference for Patsy, you know. PERCIVAL. Well, but does that matter, do you think? Patsy fascinates me, no doubt. I apparently fascinate Patsy. But, believe me, all that is not worth considering. One of my three fathers (the priest) has married hundreds of couples: couples selected by one another, couples selected by the parents, couples forced to marry one another by circumstances of one kind or another; and he assures me that if marriages were made by putting all the men's names into one sack and the women's names into another, and having them taken out by a blindfolded child like lottery numbers, there would be just as high a percentage of happy marriages as we have here in England. He said Cupid was nothing but the blindfolded child: pretty idea that, I think! I shall have as good a chance with Patsy as with anyone else. Mind: I'm not bigoted about it. I'm not a doctrinaire: not the slave of a theory. You and Lord Summerhays are experienced married men. If you can tell me of any trustworthy method of selecting a wife, I shall be happy to make use of it. I await your suggestions. _[He looks with polite attention to Lord Summerhays, who, having nothing to say, avoids his eye. He looks to Tarleton, who purses his lips glumly and rattles his money in his pockets without a word]._ Apparently neither of you has anything to suggest. Then Patsy will do as well as another, provided the money is forthcoming. HYPATIA. Oh, you beauty, you beauty! TARLETON. When I married Patsy's mother, I was in love with her. PERCIVAL. For the first time? TARLETON. Yes: for the first time. PERCIVAL. For the last time? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[revolted]_ Sir: you are in the presence of his daughter. HYPATIA. Oh, dont mind me. I dont care. I'm accustomed to Papa's adventures. TARLETON. _[blushing painfully]_ Patsy, my child: that was not--not delicate. HYPATIA. Well, papa, youve never shewn any delicacy in talking to me about my conduct; and I really dont see why I shouldnt talk to you about yours. It's such nonsense! Do you think young people dont know? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I'm sure they dont feel. Tarleton: this is too horrible, too brutal. If neither of these young people have any--any--any-- PERCIVAL. Shall we say paternal sentimentality? I'm extremely sorry to shock you; but you must remember that Ive been educated to discuss human affairs with three fathers simultaneously. I'm an adult person. Patsy is an adult person. You do not inspire me with veneration. Apparently you do not inspire Patsy with veneration. That may surprise you. It may pain you. I'm sorry. It cant be helped. What about the money? TARLETON. You dont inspire me with generosity, young man. HYPATIA. _[laughing with genuine amusement]_ He had you there, Joey. TARLETON. I havnt been a bad father to you, Patsy. HYPATIA. I dont say you have, dear. If only I could persuade you Ive grown up, we should get along perfectly. TARLETON. Do you remember Bill Burt? HYPATIA. Why? TARLETON. _[to the others]_ Bill Burt was a laborer here. I was going to sack him for kicking his father. He said his father had kicked him until he was big enough to kick back. Patsy begged him off. I asked that man what it felt like the first time he kicked his father, and found that it was just like kicking any other man. He laughed and said that it was the old man that knew what it felt like. Think of that, Summerhays! think of that! HYPATIA. I havnt kicked you, papa. TARLETON. Youve kicked me harder than Bill Burt ever kicked. LORD SUMMERHAYS. It's no use, Tarleton. Spare yourself. Do you seriously expect these young people, at their age, to sympathize with what this gentleman calls your paternal sentimentality? TARLETON. _[wistfully]_ Is it nothing to you but paternal sentimentality, Patsy? HYPATIA. Well, I greatly prefer your superabundant vitality, papa. TARLETON. _[violently]_ Hold your tongue, you young devil. The young are all alike: hard, coarse, shallow, cruel, selfish, dirty-minded. You can clear out of my house as soon as you can coax him to take you; and the sooner the better. _[To Percival]_ I think you said your price was fifteen hundred a year. Take it. And I wish you joy of your bargain. PERCIVAL. If you wish to know who I am-- TARLETON. I dont care a tinker's curse who you are or what you are. Youre willing to take that girl off my hands for fifteen hundred a year: thats all that concerns me. Tell her who you are if you like: it's her affair,

damn

How many times the word 'damn' appears in the text?

Do you consider that sufficient, Lord Summerhays? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh quite, quite. PERCIVAL. _[to Hypatia]_ Lord Summerhays would probably like to hear you say that you are satisfied, Miss Tarleton. HYPATIA. _[coming out of the swing, and advancing between Percival and Lord Summerhays]_ I must say that you have behaved like a perfect gentleman, Mr. Percival. PERCIVAL. _[first bowing to Hypatia, and then turning with cold contempt to Gunner, who is standing helpless]_ We need not trouble you any further. _[Gunner turns vaguely towards the pavilion]._ JOHNNY _[with less refined offensiveness, pointing to the pavilion]_ Thats your way. The gardener will shew you the shortest way into the road. Go the shortest way. GUNNER. _[oppressed and disconcerted, hardly knows how to get out of the room]_ Yes, sir. I-- _[He turns again, appealing to Tarleton]_ Maynt I have my mother's photographs back again? _[Mrs Tarleton pricks up her ears]._ TARLETON. Eh? What? Oh, the photographs! Yes, yes, yes: take them. _[Gunner takes them from the table, and is creeping away, when Mrs Tarleton puts out her hand and stops him]._ MRS TARLETON. Whats this, John? What were you doing with his mother's photographs? TARLETON. Nothing, nothing. Never mind, Chickabiddy: it's all right. MRS TARLETON. _[snatching the photographs from Gunner's irresolute fingers, and recognizing them at a glance]_ Lucy Titmus! Oh John, John! TARLETON. _[grimly, to Gunner]_ Young man: youre a fool; but youve just put the lid on this job in a masterly manner. I knew you would. I told you all to let well alone. You wouldnt; and now you must take the consequences--or rather _I_ must take them. MRS TARLETON. _[to Gunner]_ Are you Lucy's son? GUNNER. Yes. MRS TARLETON. And why didnt you come to me? I didnt turn my back on your mother when she came to me in her trouble. Didnt you know that? GUNNER. No. She never talked to me about anything. TARLETON. How could she talk to her own son? Shy, Summerhays, shy. Parent and child. Shy. _[He sits down at the end of the writing table nearest the sideboard like a man resigned to anything that fate may have in store for him]._ MRS TARLETON. Then how did you find out? GUNNER. From her papers after she died. MRS TARLETON. _[shocked]_ Is Lucy dead? And I never knew! _[With an effusion of tenderness]_ And you here being treated like that, poor orphan, with nobody to take your part! Tear up that foolish paper, child; and sit down and make friends with me. JOHNNY. | Hallo, mother this is all very well, you know-- | PERCIVAL. | But may I point out, Mrs Tarleton, that-- | BENTLEY. | Do you mean that after what he said of-- | HYPATIA. | Oh, look here, mamma: this is really-- MRS TARLETON. Will you please speak one at a time? _Silence._ PERCIVAL _[in a very gentlemanly manner]_ Will you allow me to remind you, Mrs Tarleton, that this man has uttered a most serious and disgraceful falsehood concerning Miss Tarleton and myself? MRS TARLETON. I dont believe a word of it. If the poor lad was there in the Turkish bath, who has a better right to say what was going on here than he has? You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Patsy; and so ought you too, Mr Percival, for encouraging her. _[Hypatia retreats to the pavilion, and exchanges grimaces with Johnny, shamelessly enjoying Percival's sudden reverse. They know their mother]._ PERCIVAL. _[gasping]_ Mrs Tarleton: I give you my word of honor-- MRS TARLETON. Oh, go along with you and your word of honor. Do you think I'm a fool? I wonder you can look the lad in the face after bullying him and making him sign those wicked lies; and all the time you carrying on with my daughter before youd been half an hour in my house. Fie, for shame! PERCIVAL. Lord Summerhays: I appeal to you. Have I done the correct thing or not? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Youve done your best, Mr Percival. But the correct thing depends for its success on everybody playing the game very strictly. As a single-handed game, it's impossible. BENTLEY. _[suddenly breaking out lamentably]_ Joey: have you taken Hypatia away from me? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[severely]_ Bentley! Bentley! Control yourself, sir. TARLETON. Come, Mr Percival! the shutters are up on the gentlemanly business. Try the truth. PERCIVAL. I am in a wretched position. If I tell the truth nobody will believe me. TARLETON. Oh yes they will. The truth makes everybody believe it. PERCIVAL. It also makes everybody pretend not to believe it. Mrs Tarleton: youre not playing the game. MRS TARLETON. I dont think youve behaved at all nicely, Mr Percival. BENTLEY. I wouldnt have played you such a dirty trick, Joey. _[Struggling with a sob]_ You beast. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Bentley: you must control yourself. Let me say at the same time, Mr Percival, that my son seems to have been mistaken in regarding you either as his friend or as a gentleman. PERCIVAL. Miss Tarleton: I'm suffering this for your sake. I ask you just to say that I am not to blame. Just that and nothing more. HYPATIA. _[gloating mischievously over his distress]_ You chased me through the heather and kissed me. You shouldnt have done that if you were not in earnest. PERCIVAL. Oh, this is really the limit. _[Turning desperately to Gunner]_ Sir: I appeal to you. As a gentleman! as a man of honor! as a man bound to stand by another man! You were in that Turkish bath. You saw how it began. Could any man have behaved more correctly than I did? Is there a shadow of foundation for the accusations brought against me? GUNNER. _[sorely perplexed]_ Well, what do you want me to say? JOHNNY. He has said what he had to say already, hasnt he? Read that paper. GUNNER. When I tell the truth, you make me go back on it. And now you want me to go back on myself! What is a man to do? PERCIVAL. _[patiently]_ Please try to get your mind clear, Mr Brown. I pointed out to you that you could not, as a gentleman, disparage a lady's character. You agree with me, I hope. GUNNER. Yes: that sounds all right. PERCIVAL. But youre also bound to tell the truth. Surely youll not deny that. GUNNER. Who's denying it? I say nothing against it. PERCIVAL. Of course not. Well, I ask you to tell the truth simply and unaffectedly. Did you witness any improper conduct on my part when you were in the bath? GUNNER. No, sir. JOHNNY. | Then what do you mean by saying that-- | HYPATIA. | Do you mean to say that I-- | BENTLEY. | Oh, you are a rotter. Youre afraid-- TARLETON. _[rising]_ Stop. _[Silence]._ Leave it at that. Enough said. You keep quiet, Johnny. Mr Percival: youre whitewashed. So are you, Patsy. Honors are easy. Lets drop the subject. The next thing to do is to open a subscription to start this young man on a ranch in some far country thats accustomed to be in a disturbed state. He-- MRS TARLETON. Now stop joking the poor lad, John: I wont have it. Has been worried to death between you all. _[To Gunner]_ Have you had your tea? GUNNER. Tea? No: it's too early. I'm all right; only I had no dinner: I didnt think I'd want it. I didnt think I'd be alive. MRS TARLETON. Oh, what a thing to say! You mustnt talk like that. JOHNNY. Hes out of his mind. He thinks it's past dinner-time. MRS TARLETON. Oh, youve no sense, Johnny. He calls his lunch his dinner, and has his tea at half-past six. Havnt you, dear? GUNNER. _[timidly]_ Hasnt everybody? JOHNNY. _[laughing]_ Well, by George, thats not bad. MRS TARLETON. Now dont be rude, Johnny: you know I dont like it. _[To Gunner]_ A cup of tea will pick you up. GUNNER. I'd rather not. I'm all right. TARLETON. _[going to the sideboard]_ Here! try a mouthful of sloe gin. GUNNER. No, thanks. I'm a teetotaler. I cant touch alcohol in any form. TARLETON. Nonsense! This isnt alcohol. Sloe gin. Vegetarian, you know. GUNNER. _[hesitating]_ Is it a fruit beverage? TARLETON. Of course it is. Fruit beverage. Here you are. _[He gives him a glass of sloe gin]._ GUNNER. _[going to the sideboard]_ Thanks. _[he begins to drink it confidently; but the first mouthful startles and almost chokes him]._ It's rather hot. TARLETON. Do you good. Dont be afraid of it. MRS TARLETON. _[going to him]_ Sip it, dear. Dont be in a hurry. _Gunner sips slowly, each sip making his eyes water._ JOHNNY. _[coming forward into the place left vacant by Gunner's visit to the sideboard]_ Well, now that the gentleman has been attended to, I should like to know where we are. It may be a vulgar business habit; but I confess I like to know where I am. TARLETON. I dont. Wherever you are, youre there anyhow. I tell you again, leave it at that. BENTLEY. I want to know too. Hypatia's engaged to me. HYPATIA. Bentley: if you insult me again--if you say another word, I'll leave the house and not enter it until you leave it. JOHNNY. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, my boy. BENTLEY. _[inarticulate with fury and suppressed tears]_ Oh! Beasts! Brutes! MRS TARLETON. Now dont hurt his feelings, poor little lamb! LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[very sternly]_ Bentley: you are not behaving well. You had better leave us until you have recovered yourself. _Bentley goes out in disgrace, but gets no further than half way to the pavilion door, when, with a wild sob, he throws himself on the floor and begins to yell._ MRS TARLETON. | _[running to him]_ Oh, poor child, | poor child! Dont cry, duckie: | he didnt mean it: dont cry. | LORD SUMMERHAYS| Stop that infernal noise, sir: do you | hear? Stop it instantly. | JOHNNY. | Thats the game he tried on me. | There you are! Now, mother! | Now, Patsy! You see for yourselves. | HYPATIA. | _[covering her ears]_ Oh you little | wretch! Stop him, Mr Percival. Kick him. | TARLETON. | Steady on, steady on. Easy, Bunny, easy. LINA. Leave him to me, Mrs Tarleton. Stand clear, please. _She kneels opposite Bentley; quickly lifts the upper half of him from the ground; dives under him; rises with his body hanging across her shoulders; and runs out with him._ BENTLEY. _[in scared, sobered, humble tones as he is borne off]_ What are you doing? Let me down. Please, Miss Szczepanowska-- _[they pass out of hearing]._ _An awestruck silence falls on the company as they speculate on Bentley's fate._ JOHNNY. I wonder what shes going to do with him. HYPATIA. Spank him, I hope. Spank him hard. LORD SUMMERHAYS. I hope so. I hope so. Tarleton: I'm beyond measure humiliated and annoyed by my son's behavior in your house. I had better take him home. TARLETON. Not at all: not at all. Now, Chickabiddy: as Miss Lina has taken away Ben, suppose you take away Mr Brown for a while. GUNNER. _[with unexpected aggressiveness]_ My name isnt Brown. _[They stare at him: he meets their stare defiantly, pugnacious with sloe gin; drains the last drop from his glass; throws it on the sideboard; and advances to the writing table]._ My name's Baker: Julius Baker. Mister Baker. If any man doubts it, I'm ready for him. MRS TARLETON. John: you shouldnt have given him that sloe gin. It's gone to his head. GUNNER. Dont you think it. Fruit beverages dont go to the head; and what matter if they did? I say nothing to you, maam: I regard you with respect and affection. _[Lachrymosely]_ You were very good to my mother: my poor mother! _[Relapsing into his daring mood]_ But I say my name's Baker; and I'm not to be treated as a child or made a slave of by any man. Baker is my name. Did you think I was going to give you my real name? Not likely. Not me. TARLETON. So you thought of John Brown. That was clever of you. GUNNER. Clever! Yes: we're not all such fools as you think: we clerks. It was the bookkeeper put me up to that. It's the only name that nobody gives as a false name, he said. Clever, eh? I should think so. MRS TARLETON. Come now, Julius-- GUNNER. _[reassuring her gravely]_ Dont you be alarmed, maam. I know what is due to you as a lady and to myself as a gentleman. I regard you with respect and affection. If you had been my mother, as you ought to have been, I should have had more chance. But you shall have no cause to be ashamed of me. The strength of a chain is no greater than its weakest link; but the greatness of a poet is the greatness of his greatest moment. Shakespear used to get drunk. Frederick the Great ran away from a battle. But it was what they could rise to, not what they could sink to, that made them great. They werent good always; but they were good on their day. Well, on my day--on my day, mind you--I'm good for something too. I know that Ive made a silly exhibition of myself here. I know I didnt rise to the occasion. I know that if youd been my mother, youd have been ashamed of me. I lost my presence of mind: I was a contemptible coward. But _[slapping himself on the chest]_ I'm not the man I was then. This is my day. Ive seen the tenth possessor of a foolish face carried out kicking and screaming by a woman. _[To Percival]_ You crowed pretty big over me. You hypnotized me. But when you were put through the fire yourself, you were found wanting. I tell you straight I dont give a damn for you. MRS TARLETON. No: thats naughty. You shouldnt say that before me. GUNNER. I would cut my tongue out sooner than say anything vulgar in your presence; for I regard you with respect and affection. I was not swearing. I was affirming my manhood. MRS TARLETON. What an idea! What puts all these things into your head? GUNNER. Oh, dont you think, because I'm a clerk, that I'm not one of the intellectuals. I'm a reading man, a thinking man. I read in a book--a high class six shilling book--this precept: Affirm your manhood. It appealed to me. Ive always remembered it. I believe in it. I feel I must do it to recover your respect after my cowardly behavior. Therefore I affirm it in your presence. I tell that man who insulted me that I dont give a damn for him. And neither I do. TARLETON. I say, Summerhays: did you have chaps of this sort in Jinghiskahn? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh yes: they exist everywhere: they are a most serious modern problem. GUNNER. Yes. Youre right. _[Conceitedly]_ I'm a problem. And I tell you that when we clerks realize that we're problems! well, look out: thats all. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[suavely, to Gunner]_ You read a great deal, you say? GUNNER. Ive read more than any man in this room, if the truth were known, I expect. Thats whats going to smash up your Capitalism. The problems are beginning to read. Ha! We're free to do that here in England. What would you do with me in Jinghiskahn if you had me there? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Well, since you ask me so directly, I'll tell you. I should take advantage of the fact that you have neither sense enough nor strength enough to know how to behave yourself in a difficulty of any sort. I should warn an intelligent and ambitious policeman that you are a troublesome person. The intelligent and ambitious policeman would take an early opportunity of upsetting your temper by ordering you to move on, and treading on your heels until you were provoked into obstructing an officer in the discharge of his duty. Any trifle of that sort would be sufficient to make a man like you lose your self-possession and put yourself in the wrong. You would then be charged and imprisoned until things quieted down. GUNNER. And you call that justice! LORD SUMMERHAYS. No. Justice was not my business. I had to govern a province; and I took the necessary steps to maintain order in it. Men are not governed by justice, but by law or persuasion. When they refuse to be governed by law or persuasion, they have to be governed by force or fraud, or both. I used both when law and persuasion failed me. Every ruler of men since the world began has done so, even when he has hated both fraud and force as heartily as I do. It is as well that you should know this, my young friend; so that you may recognize in time that anarchism is a game at which the police can beat you. What have you to say to that? GUNNER. What have I to say to it! Well, I call it scandalous: thats what I have to say to it. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Precisely: thats all anybody has to say to it, except the British public, which pretends not to believe it. And now let me ask you a sympathetic personal question. Havnt you a headache? GUNNER. Well, since you ask me, I have. Ive overexcited myself. MRS TARLETON. Poor lad! No wonder, after all youve gone through! You want to eat a little and to lie down. You come with me. I want you to tell me about your poor dear mother and about yourself. Come along with me. _[She leads the way to the inner door]._ GUNNER. _[following her obediently]_ Thank you kindly, madam. _[She goes out. Before passing out after her, he partly closes the door and stops an the landing for a moment to say]_ Mind: I'm not knuckling down to any man here. I knuckle down to Mrs Tarleton because shes a woman in a thousand. I affirm my manhood all the same. Understand: I dont give a damn for the lot of you. _[He hurries out, rather afraid of the consequences of this defiance, which has provoked Johnny to an impatient movement towards him]._ HYPATIA. Thank goodness hes gone! Oh, what a bore! WHAT a bore!!! Talk, talk, talk! TARLETON. Patsy: it's no good. We're going to talk. And we're going to talk about you. JOHNNY. It's no use shirking it, Pat. We'd better know where we are. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Come, Miss Tarleton. Wont you sit down? I'm very tired of standing. _[Hypatia comes from the pavilion and takes a chair at the worktable. Lord Summerhays takes the opposite chair, on her right. Percival takes the chair Johnny placed for Lina on her arrival. Tarleton sits down at the end of the writing table. Johnny remains standing. Lord Summerhays continues, with a sigh of relief at being seated.]_ We shall now get the change of subject we are all pining for. JOHNNY. _[puzzled]_ Whats that? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The great question. The question that men and women will spend hours over without complaining. The question that occupies all the novel readers and all the playgoers. The question they never get tired of. JOHNNY. But what question? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question which particular young man some young woman will mate with. PERCIVAL. As if it mattered! HYPATIA. _[sharply]_ Whats that you said? PERCIVAL. I said: As if it mattered. HYPATIA. I call that ungentlemanly. PERCIVAL. Do you care about that? you who are so magnificently unladylike! JOHNNY. Look here, Mr Percival: youre not supposed to insult my sister. HYPATIA. Oh, shut up, Johnny. I can take care of myself. Dont you interfere. JOHNNY. Oh, very well. If you choose to give yourself away like that--to allow a man to call you unladylike and then to be unladylike, Ive nothing more to say. HYPATIA. I think Mr Percival is most ungentlemanly; but I wont be protected. I'll not have my affairs interfered with by men on pretence of protecting me. I'm not your baby. If I interfered between you and a woman, you would soon tell me to mind my own business. TARLETON. Children: dont squabble. Read Dr Watts. Behave yourselves. JOHNNY. Ive nothing more to say; and as I dont seem to be wanted here, I shall take myself off. _[He goes out with affected calm through the pavilion]._ TARLETON. Summerhays: a family is an awful thing, an impossible thing. Cat and dog. Patsy: I'm ashamed of you. HYPATIA. I'll make it up with Johnny afterwards; but I really cant have him here sticking his clumsy hoof into my affairs. LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question is, Mr Percival, are you really a gentleman, or are you not? PERCIVAL. Was Napoleon really a gentleman or was he not? He made the lady get out of the way of the porter and said, "Respect the burden, madam." That was behaving like a very fine gentleman; but he kicked Volney for saying that what France wanted was the Bourbons back again. That was behaving rather like a navvy. Now I, like Napoleon, am not all one piece. On occasion, as you have all seen, I can behave like a gentleman. On occasion, I can behave with a brutal simplicity which Miss Tarleton herself could hardly surpass. TARLETON. Gentleman or no gentleman, Patsy: what are your intentions? HYPATIA. My intentions! Surely it's the gentleman who should be asked his intentions. TARLETON. Come now, Patsy! none of that nonsense. Has Mr Percival said anything to you that I ought to know or that Bentley ought to know? Have you said anything to Mr Percival? HYPATIA. Mr Percival chased me through the heather and kissed me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. As a gentleman, Mr Percival, what do you say to that? PERCIVAL. As a gentleman, I do not kiss and tell. As a mere man: a mere cad, if you like, I say that I did so at Miss Tarleton's own suggestion. HYPATIA. Beast! PERCIVAL. I dont deny that I enjoyed it. But I did not initiate it. And I began by running away. TARLETON. So Patsy can run faster than you, can she? PERCIVAL. Yes, when she is in pursuit of me. She runs faster and faster. I run slower and slower. And these woods of yours are full of magic. There was a confounded fern owl. Did you ever hear the churr of a fern owl? Did you ever hear it create a sudden silence by ceasing? Did you ever hear it call its mate by striking its wings together twice and whistling that single note that no nightingale can imitate? That is what happened in the woods when I was running away. So I turned; and the pursuer became the pursued. HYPATIA. I had to fight like a wild cat. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Please dont tell us this. It's not fit for old people to hear. TARLETON. Come: how did it end? HYPATIA. It's not ended yet. TARLETON. How is it going to end? HYPATIA. Ask him. TARLETON. How is it going to end, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. I cant afford to marry, Mr Tarleton. Ive only a thousand a year until my father dies. Two people cant possibly live on that. TARLETON. Oh, cant they? When _I_ married, I should have been jolly glad to have felt sure of the quarter of it. PERCIVAL. No doubt; but I am not a cheap person, Mr Tarleton. I was brought up in a household which cost at least seven or eight times that; and I am in constant money difficulties because I simply dont know how to live on the thousand a year scale. As to ask a woman to share my degrading poverty, it's out of the question. Besides, I'm rather young to marry. I'm only 28. HYPATIA. Papa: buy the brute for me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[shrinking]_ My dear Miss Tarleton: dont be so naughty. I know how delightful it is to shock an old man; but there is a point at which it becomes barbarous. Dont. Please dont. HYPATIA. Shall I tell Papa about you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Tarleton: I had better tell you that I once asked your daughter to become my widow. TARLETON. _[to Hypatia]_ Why didnt you accept him, you young idiot? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I was too old. TARLETON. All this has been going on under my nose, I suppose. You run after young men; and old men run after you. And I'm the last person in the world to hear of it. HYPATIA. How could I tell you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Parents and children, Tarleton. TARLETON. Oh, the gulf that lies between them! the impassable, eternal gulf! And so I'm to buy the brute for you, eh? HYPATIA. If you please, papa. TARLETON. Whats the price, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. We might do with another fifteen hundred if my father would contribute. But I should like more. TARLETON. It's purely a question of money with you, is it? PERCIVAL. _[after a moment's consideration]_ Practically yes: it turns on that. TARLETON. I thought you might have some sort of preference for Patsy, you know. PERCIVAL. Well, but does that matter, do you think? Patsy fascinates me, no doubt. I apparently fascinate Patsy. But, believe me, all that is not worth considering. One of my three fathers (the priest) has married hundreds of couples: couples selected by one another, couples selected by the parents, couples forced to marry one another by circumstances of one kind or another; and he assures me that if marriages were made by putting all the men's names into one sack and the women's names into another, and having them taken out by a blindfolded child like lottery numbers, there would be just as high a percentage of happy marriages as we have here in England. He said Cupid was nothing but the blindfolded child: pretty idea that, I think! I shall have as good a chance with Patsy as with anyone else. Mind: I'm not bigoted about it. I'm not a doctrinaire: not the slave of a theory. You and Lord Summerhays are experienced married men. If you can tell me of any trustworthy method of selecting a wife, I shall be happy to make use of it. I await your suggestions. _[He looks with polite attention to Lord Summerhays, who, having nothing to say, avoids his eye. He looks to Tarleton, who purses his lips glumly and rattles his money in his pockets without a word]._ Apparently neither of you has anything to suggest. Then Patsy will do as well as another, provided the money is forthcoming. HYPATIA. Oh, you beauty, you beauty! TARLETON. When I married Patsy's mother, I was in love with her. PERCIVAL. For the first time? TARLETON. Yes: for the first time. PERCIVAL. For the last time? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[revolted]_ Sir: you are in the presence of his daughter. HYPATIA. Oh, dont mind me. I dont care. I'm accustomed to Papa's adventures. TARLETON. _[blushing painfully]_ Patsy, my child: that was not--not delicate. HYPATIA. Well, papa, youve never shewn any delicacy in talking to me about my conduct; and I really dont see why I shouldnt talk to you about yours. It's such nonsense! Do you think young people dont know? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I'm sure they dont feel. Tarleton: this is too horrible, too brutal. If neither of these young people have any--any--any-- PERCIVAL. Shall we say paternal sentimentality? I'm extremely sorry to shock you; but you must remember that Ive been educated to discuss human affairs with three fathers simultaneously. I'm an adult person. Patsy is an adult person. You do not inspire me with veneration. Apparently you do not inspire Patsy with veneration. That may surprise you. It may pain you. I'm sorry. It cant be helped. What about the money? TARLETON. You dont inspire me with generosity, young man. HYPATIA. _[laughing with genuine amusement]_ He had you there, Joey. TARLETON. I havnt been a bad father to you, Patsy. HYPATIA. I dont say you have, dear. If only I could persuade you Ive grown up, we should get along perfectly. TARLETON. Do you remember Bill Burt? HYPATIA. Why? TARLETON. _[to the others]_ Bill Burt was a laborer here. I was going to sack him for kicking his father. He said his father had kicked him until he was big enough to kick back. Patsy begged him off. I asked that man what it felt like the first time he kicked his father, and found that it was just like kicking any other man. He laughed and said that it was the old man that knew what it felt like. Think of that, Summerhays! think of that! HYPATIA. I havnt kicked you, papa. TARLETON. Youve kicked me harder than Bill Burt ever kicked. LORD SUMMERHAYS. It's no use, Tarleton. Spare yourself. Do you seriously expect these young people, at their age, to sympathize with what this gentleman calls your paternal sentimentality? TARLETON. _[wistfully]_ Is it nothing to you but paternal sentimentality, Patsy? HYPATIA. Well, I greatly prefer your superabundant vitality, papa. TARLETON. _[violently]_ Hold your tongue, you young devil. The young are all alike: hard, coarse, shallow, cruel, selfish, dirty-minded. You can clear out of my house as soon as you can coax him to take you; and the sooner the better. _[To Percival]_ I think you said your price was fifteen hundred a year. Take it. And I wish you joy of your bargain. PERCIVAL. If you wish to know who I am-- TARLETON. I dont care a tinker's curse who you are or what you are. Youre willing to take that girl off my hands for fifteen hundred a year: thats all that concerns me. Tell her who you are if you like: it's her affair,

miss

How many times the word 'miss' appears in the text?

Do you consider that sufficient, Lord Summerhays? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh quite, quite. PERCIVAL. _[to Hypatia]_ Lord Summerhays would probably like to hear you say that you are satisfied, Miss Tarleton. HYPATIA. _[coming out of the swing, and advancing between Percival and Lord Summerhays]_ I must say that you have behaved like a perfect gentleman, Mr. Percival. PERCIVAL. _[first bowing to Hypatia, and then turning with cold contempt to Gunner, who is standing helpless]_ We need not trouble you any further. _[Gunner turns vaguely towards the pavilion]._ JOHNNY _[with less refined offensiveness, pointing to the pavilion]_ Thats your way. The gardener will shew you the shortest way into the road. Go the shortest way. GUNNER. _[oppressed and disconcerted, hardly knows how to get out of the room]_ Yes, sir. I-- _[He turns again, appealing to Tarleton]_ Maynt I have my mother's photographs back again? _[Mrs Tarleton pricks up her ears]._ TARLETON. Eh? What? Oh, the photographs! Yes, yes, yes: take them. _[Gunner takes them from the table, and is creeping away, when Mrs Tarleton puts out her hand and stops him]._ MRS TARLETON. Whats this, John? What were you doing with his mother's photographs? TARLETON. Nothing, nothing. Never mind, Chickabiddy: it's all right. MRS TARLETON. _[snatching the photographs from Gunner's irresolute fingers, and recognizing them at a glance]_ Lucy Titmus! Oh John, John! TARLETON. _[grimly, to Gunner]_ Young man: youre a fool; but youve just put the lid on this job in a masterly manner. I knew you would. I told you all to let well alone. You wouldnt; and now you must take the consequences--or rather _I_ must take them. MRS TARLETON. _[to Gunner]_ Are you Lucy's son? GUNNER. Yes. MRS TARLETON. And why didnt you come to me? I didnt turn my back on your mother when she came to me in her trouble. Didnt you know that? GUNNER. No. She never talked to me about anything. TARLETON. How could she talk to her own son? Shy, Summerhays, shy. Parent and child. Shy. _[He sits down at the end of the writing table nearest the sideboard like a man resigned to anything that fate may have in store for him]._ MRS TARLETON. Then how did you find out? GUNNER. From her papers after she died. MRS TARLETON. _[shocked]_ Is Lucy dead? And I never knew! _[With an effusion of tenderness]_ And you here being treated like that, poor orphan, with nobody to take your part! Tear up that foolish paper, child; and sit down and make friends with me. JOHNNY. | Hallo, mother this is all very well, you know-- | PERCIVAL. | But may I point out, Mrs Tarleton, that-- | BENTLEY. | Do you mean that after what he said of-- | HYPATIA. | Oh, look here, mamma: this is really-- MRS TARLETON. Will you please speak one at a time? _Silence._ PERCIVAL _[in a very gentlemanly manner]_ Will you allow me to remind you, Mrs Tarleton, that this man has uttered a most serious and disgraceful falsehood concerning Miss Tarleton and myself? MRS TARLETON. I dont believe a word of it. If the poor lad was there in the Turkish bath, who has a better right to say what was going on here than he has? You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Patsy; and so ought you too, Mr Percival, for encouraging her. _[Hypatia retreats to the pavilion, and exchanges grimaces with Johnny, shamelessly enjoying Percival's sudden reverse. They know their mother]._ PERCIVAL. _[gasping]_ Mrs Tarleton: I give you my word of honor-- MRS TARLETON. Oh, go along with you and your word of honor. Do you think I'm a fool? I wonder you can look the lad in the face after bullying him and making him sign those wicked lies; and all the time you carrying on with my daughter before youd been half an hour in my house. Fie, for shame! PERCIVAL. Lord Summerhays: I appeal to you. Have I done the correct thing or not? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Youve done your best, Mr Percival. But the correct thing depends for its success on everybody playing the game very strictly. As a single-handed game, it's impossible. BENTLEY. _[suddenly breaking out lamentably]_ Joey: have you taken Hypatia away from me? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[severely]_ Bentley! Bentley! Control yourself, sir. TARLETON. Come, Mr Percival! the shutters are up on the gentlemanly business. Try the truth. PERCIVAL. I am in a wretched position. If I tell the truth nobody will believe me. TARLETON. Oh yes they will. The truth makes everybody believe it. PERCIVAL. It also makes everybody pretend not to believe it. Mrs Tarleton: youre not playing the game. MRS TARLETON. I dont think youve behaved at all nicely, Mr Percival. BENTLEY. I wouldnt have played you such a dirty trick, Joey. _[Struggling with a sob]_ You beast. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Bentley: you must control yourself. Let me say at the same time, Mr Percival, that my son seems to have been mistaken in regarding you either as his friend or as a gentleman. PERCIVAL. Miss Tarleton: I'm suffering this for your sake. I ask you just to say that I am not to blame. Just that and nothing more. HYPATIA. _[gloating mischievously over his distress]_ You chased me through the heather and kissed me. You shouldnt have done that if you were not in earnest. PERCIVAL. Oh, this is really the limit. _[Turning desperately to Gunner]_ Sir: I appeal to you. As a gentleman! as a man of honor! as a man bound to stand by another man! You were in that Turkish bath. You saw how it began. Could any man have behaved more correctly than I did? Is there a shadow of foundation for the accusations brought against me? GUNNER. _[sorely perplexed]_ Well, what do you want me to say? JOHNNY. He has said what he had to say already, hasnt he? Read that paper. GUNNER. When I tell the truth, you make me go back on it. And now you want me to go back on myself! What is a man to do? PERCIVAL. _[patiently]_ Please try to get your mind clear, Mr Brown. I pointed out to you that you could not, as a gentleman, disparage a lady's character. You agree with me, I hope. GUNNER. Yes: that sounds all right. PERCIVAL. But youre also bound to tell the truth. Surely youll not deny that. GUNNER. Who's denying it? I say nothing against it. PERCIVAL. Of course not. Well, I ask you to tell the truth simply and unaffectedly. Did you witness any improper conduct on my part when you were in the bath? GUNNER. No, sir. JOHNNY. | Then what do you mean by saying that-- | HYPATIA. | Do you mean to say that I-- | BENTLEY. | Oh, you are a rotter. Youre afraid-- TARLETON. _[rising]_ Stop. _[Silence]._ Leave it at that. Enough said. You keep quiet, Johnny. Mr Percival: youre whitewashed. So are you, Patsy. Honors are easy. Lets drop the subject. The next thing to do is to open a subscription to start this young man on a ranch in some far country thats accustomed to be in a disturbed state. He-- MRS TARLETON. Now stop joking the poor lad, John: I wont have it. Has been worried to death between you all. _[To Gunner]_ Have you had your tea? GUNNER. Tea? No: it's too early. I'm all right; only I had no dinner: I didnt think I'd want it. I didnt think I'd be alive. MRS TARLETON. Oh, what a thing to say! You mustnt talk like that. JOHNNY. Hes out of his mind. He thinks it's past dinner-time. MRS TARLETON. Oh, youve no sense, Johnny. He calls his lunch his dinner, and has his tea at half-past six. Havnt you, dear? GUNNER. _[timidly]_ Hasnt everybody? JOHNNY. _[laughing]_ Well, by George, thats not bad. MRS TARLETON. Now dont be rude, Johnny: you know I dont like it. _[To Gunner]_ A cup of tea will pick you up. GUNNER. I'd rather not. I'm all right. TARLETON. _[going to the sideboard]_ Here! try a mouthful of sloe gin. GUNNER. No, thanks. I'm a teetotaler. I cant touch alcohol in any form. TARLETON. Nonsense! This isnt alcohol. Sloe gin. Vegetarian, you know. GUNNER. _[hesitating]_ Is it a fruit beverage? TARLETON. Of course it is. Fruit beverage. Here you are. _[He gives him a glass of sloe gin]._ GUNNER. _[going to the sideboard]_ Thanks. _[he begins to drink it confidently; but the first mouthful startles and almost chokes him]._ It's rather hot. TARLETON. Do you good. Dont be afraid of it. MRS TARLETON. _[going to him]_ Sip it, dear. Dont be in a hurry. _Gunner sips slowly, each sip making his eyes water._ JOHNNY. _[coming forward into the place left vacant by Gunner's visit to the sideboard]_ Well, now that the gentleman has been attended to, I should like to know where we are. It may be a vulgar business habit; but I confess I like to know where I am. TARLETON. I dont. Wherever you are, youre there anyhow. I tell you again, leave it at that. BENTLEY. I want to know too. Hypatia's engaged to me. HYPATIA. Bentley: if you insult me again--if you say another word, I'll leave the house and not enter it until you leave it. JOHNNY. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, my boy. BENTLEY. _[inarticulate with fury and suppressed tears]_ Oh! Beasts! Brutes! MRS TARLETON. Now dont hurt his feelings, poor little lamb! LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[very sternly]_ Bentley: you are not behaving well. You had better leave us until you have recovered yourself. _Bentley goes out in disgrace, but gets no further than half way to the pavilion door, when, with a wild sob, he throws himself on the floor and begins to yell._ MRS TARLETON. | _[running to him]_ Oh, poor child, | poor child! Dont cry, duckie: | he didnt mean it: dont cry. | LORD SUMMERHAYS| Stop that infernal noise, sir: do you | hear? Stop it instantly. | JOHNNY. | Thats the game he tried on me. | There you are! Now, mother! | Now, Patsy! You see for yourselves. | HYPATIA. | _[covering her ears]_ Oh you little | wretch! Stop him, Mr Percival. Kick him. | TARLETON. | Steady on, steady on. Easy, Bunny, easy. LINA. Leave him to me, Mrs Tarleton. Stand clear, please. _She kneels opposite Bentley; quickly lifts the upper half of him from the ground; dives under him; rises with his body hanging across her shoulders; and runs out with him._ BENTLEY. _[in scared, sobered, humble tones as he is borne off]_ What are you doing? Let me down. Please, Miss Szczepanowska-- _[they pass out of hearing]._ _An awestruck silence falls on the company as they speculate on Bentley's fate._ JOHNNY. I wonder what shes going to do with him. HYPATIA. Spank him, I hope. Spank him hard. LORD SUMMERHAYS. I hope so. I hope so. Tarleton: I'm beyond measure humiliated and annoyed by my son's behavior in your house. I had better take him home. TARLETON. Not at all: not at all. Now, Chickabiddy: as Miss Lina has taken away Ben, suppose you take away Mr Brown for a while. GUNNER. _[with unexpected aggressiveness]_ My name isnt Brown. _[They stare at him: he meets their stare defiantly, pugnacious with sloe gin; drains the last drop from his glass; throws it on the sideboard; and advances to the writing table]._ My name's Baker: Julius Baker. Mister Baker. If any man doubts it, I'm ready for him. MRS TARLETON. John: you shouldnt have given him that sloe gin. It's gone to his head. GUNNER. Dont you think it. Fruit beverages dont go to the head; and what matter if they did? I say nothing to you, maam: I regard you with respect and affection. _[Lachrymosely]_ You were very good to my mother: my poor mother! _[Relapsing into his daring mood]_ But I say my name's Baker; and I'm not to be treated as a child or made a slave of by any man. Baker is my name. Did you think I was going to give you my real name? Not likely. Not me. TARLETON. So you thought of John Brown. That was clever of you. GUNNER. Clever! Yes: we're not all such fools as you think: we clerks. It was the bookkeeper put me up to that. It's the only name that nobody gives as a false name, he said. Clever, eh? I should think so. MRS TARLETON. Come now, Julius-- GUNNER. _[reassuring her gravely]_ Dont you be alarmed, maam. I know what is due to you as a lady and to myself as a gentleman. I regard you with respect and affection. If you had been my mother, as you ought to have been, I should have had more chance. But you shall have no cause to be ashamed of me. The strength of a chain is no greater than its weakest link; but the greatness of a poet is the greatness of his greatest moment. Shakespear used to get drunk. Frederick the Great ran away from a battle. But it was what they could rise to, not what they could sink to, that made them great. They werent good always; but they were good on their day. Well, on my day--on my day, mind you--I'm good for something too. I know that Ive made a silly exhibition of myself here. I know I didnt rise to the occasion. I know that if youd been my mother, youd have been ashamed of me. I lost my presence of mind: I was a contemptible coward. But _[slapping himself on the chest]_ I'm not the man I was then. This is my day. Ive seen the tenth possessor of a foolish face carried out kicking and screaming by a woman. _[To Percival]_ You crowed pretty big over me. You hypnotized me. But when you were put through the fire yourself, you were found wanting. I tell you straight I dont give a damn for you. MRS TARLETON. No: thats naughty. You shouldnt say that before me. GUNNER. I would cut my tongue out sooner than say anything vulgar in your presence; for I regard you with respect and affection. I was not swearing. I was affirming my manhood. MRS TARLETON. What an idea! What puts all these things into your head? GUNNER. Oh, dont you think, because I'm a clerk, that I'm not one of the intellectuals. I'm a reading man, a thinking man. I read in a book--a high class six shilling book--this precept: Affirm your manhood. It appealed to me. Ive always remembered it. I believe in it. I feel I must do it to recover your respect after my cowardly behavior. Therefore I affirm it in your presence. I tell that man who insulted me that I dont give a damn for him. And neither I do. TARLETON. I say, Summerhays: did you have chaps of this sort in Jinghiskahn? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh yes: they exist everywhere: they are a most serious modern problem. GUNNER. Yes. Youre right. _[Conceitedly]_ I'm a problem. And I tell you that when we clerks realize that we're problems! well, look out: thats all. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[suavely, to Gunner]_ You read a great deal, you say? GUNNER. Ive read more than any man in this room, if the truth were known, I expect. Thats whats going to smash up your Capitalism. The problems are beginning to read. Ha! We're free to do that here in England. What would you do with me in Jinghiskahn if you had me there? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Well, since you ask me so directly, I'll tell you. I should take advantage of the fact that you have neither sense enough nor strength enough to know how to behave yourself in a difficulty of any sort. I should warn an intelligent and ambitious policeman that you are a troublesome person. The intelligent and ambitious policeman would take an early opportunity of upsetting your temper by ordering you to move on, and treading on your heels until you were provoked into obstructing an officer in the discharge of his duty. Any trifle of that sort would be sufficient to make a man like you lose your self-possession and put yourself in the wrong. You would then be charged and imprisoned until things quieted down. GUNNER. And you call that justice! LORD SUMMERHAYS. No. Justice was not my business. I had to govern a province; and I took the necessary steps to maintain order in it. Men are not governed by justice, but by law or persuasion. When they refuse to be governed by law or persuasion, they have to be governed by force or fraud, or both. I used both when law and persuasion failed me. Every ruler of men since the world began has done so, even when he has hated both fraud and force as heartily as I do. It is as well that you should know this, my young friend; so that you may recognize in time that anarchism is a game at which the police can beat you. What have you to say to that? GUNNER. What have I to say to it! Well, I call it scandalous: thats what I have to say to it. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Precisely: thats all anybody has to say to it, except the British public, which pretends not to believe it. And now let me ask you a sympathetic personal question. Havnt you a headache? GUNNER. Well, since you ask me, I have. Ive overexcited myself. MRS TARLETON. Poor lad! No wonder, after all youve gone through! You want to eat a little and to lie down. You come with me. I want you to tell me about your poor dear mother and about yourself. Come along with me. _[She leads the way to the inner door]._ GUNNER. _[following her obediently]_ Thank you kindly, madam. _[She goes out. Before passing out after her, he partly closes the door and stops an the landing for a moment to say]_ Mind: I'm not knuckling down to any man here. I knuckle down to Mrs Tarleton because shes a woman in a thousand. I affirm my manhood all the same. Understand: I dont give a damn for the lot of you. _[He hurries out, rather afraid of the consequences of this defiance, which has provoked Johnny to an impatient movement towards him]._ HYPATIA. Thank goodness hes gone! Oh, what a bore! WHAT a bore!!! Talk, talk, talk! TARLETON. Patsy: it's no good. We're going to talk. And we're going to talk about you. JOHNNY. It's no use shirking it, Pat. We'd better know where we are. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Come, Miss Tarleton. Wont you sit down? I'm very tired of standing. _[Hypatia comes from the pavilion and takes a chair at the worktable. Lord Summerhays takes the opposite chair, on her right. Percival takes the chair Johnny placed for Lina on her arrival. Tarleton sits down at the end of the writing table. Johnny remains standing. Lord Summerhays continues, with a sigh of relief at being seated.]_ We shall now get the change of subject we are all pining for. JOHNNY. _[puzzled]_ Whats that? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The great question. The question that men and women will spend hours over without complaining. The question that occupies all the novel readers and all the playgoers. The question they never get tired of. JOHNNY. But what question? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question which particular young man some young woman will mate with. PERCIVAL. As if it mattered! HYPATIA. _[sharply]_ Whats that you said? PERCIVAL. I said: As if it mattered. HYPATIA. I call that ungentlemanly. PERCIVAL. Do you care about that? you who are so magnificently unladylike! JOHNNY. Look here, Mr Percival: youre not supposed to insult my sister. HYPATIA. Oh, shut up, Johnny. I can take care of myself. Dont you interfere. JOHNNY. Oh, very well. If you choose to give yourself away like that--to allow a man to call you unladylike and then to be unladylike, Ive nothing more to say. HYPATIA. I think Mr Percival is most ungentlemanly; but I wont be protected. I'll not have my affairs interfered with by men on pretence of protecting me. I'm not your baby. If I interfered between you and a woman, you would soon tell me to mind my own business. TARLETON. Children: dont squabble. Read Dr Watts. Behave yourselves. JOHNNY. Ive nothing more to say; and as I dont seem to be wanted here, I shall take myself off. _[He goes out with affected calm through the pavilion]._ TARLETON. Summerhays: a family is an awful thing, an impossible thing. Cat and dog. Patsy: I'm ashamed of you. HYPATIA. I'll make it up with Johnny afterwards; but I really cant have him here sticking his clumsy hoof into my affairs. LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question is, Mr Percival, are you really a gentleman, or are you not? PERCIVAL. Was Napoleon really a gentleman or was he not? He made the lady get out of the way of the porter and said, "Respect the burden, madam." That was behaving like a very fine gentleman; but he kicked Volney for saying that what France wanted was the Bourbons back again. That was behaving rather like a navvy. Now I, like Napoleon, am not all one piece. On occasion, as you have all seen, I can behave like a gentleman. On occasion, I can behave with a brutal simplicity which Miss Tarleton herself could hardly surpass. TARLETON. Gentleman or no gentleman, Patsy: what are your intentions? HYPATIA. My intentions! Surely it's the gentleman who should be asked his intentions. TARLETON. Come now, Patsy! none of that nonsense. Has Mr Percival said anything to you that I ought to know or that Bentley ought to know? Have you said anything to Mr Percival? HYPATIA. Mr Percival chased me through the heather and kissed me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. As a gentleman, Mr Percival, what do you say to that? PERCIVAL. As a gentleman, I do not kiss and tell. As a mere man: a mere cad, if you like, I say that I did so at Miss Tarleton's own suggestion. HYPATIA. Beast! PERCIVAL. I dont deny that I enjoyed it. But I did not initiate it. And I began by running away. TARLETON. So Patsy can run faster than you, can she? PERCIVAL. Yes, when she is in pursuit of me. She runs faster and faster. I run slower and slower. And these woods of yours are full of magic. There was a confounded fern owl. Did you ever hear the churr of a fern owl? Did you ever hear it create a sudden silence by ceasing? Did you ever hear it call its mate by striking its wings together twice and whistling that single note that no nightingale can imitate? That is what happened in the woods when I was running away. So I turned; and the pursuer became the pursued. HYPATIA. I had to fight like a wild cat. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Please dont tell us this. It's not fit for old people to hear. TARLETON. Come: how did it end? HYPATIA. It's not ended yet. TARLETON. How is it going to end? HYPATIA. Ask him. TARLETON. How is it going to end, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. I cant afford to marry, Mr Tarleton. Ive only a thousand a year until my father dies. Two people cant possibly live on that. TARLETON. Oh, cant they? When _I_ married, I should have been jolly glad to have felt sure of the quarter of it. PERCIVAL. No doubt; but I am not a cheap person, Mr Tarleton. I was brought up in a household which cost at least seven or eight times that; and I am in constant money difficulties because I simply dont know how to live on the thousand a year scale. As to ask a woman to share my degrading poverty, it's out of the question. Besides, I'm rather young to marry. I'm only 28. HYPATIA. Papa: buy the brute for me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[shrinking]_ My dear Miss Tarleton: dont be so naughty. I know how delightful it is to shock an old man; but there is a point at which it becomes barbarous. Dont. Please dont. HYPATIA. Shall I tell Papa about you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Tarleton: I had better tell you that I once asked your daughter to become my widow. TARLETON. _[to Hypatia]_ Why didnt you accept him, you young idiot? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I was too old. TARLETON. All this has been going on under my nose, I suppose. You run after young men; and old men run after you. And I'm the last person in the world to hear of it. HYPATIA. How could I tell you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Parents and children, Tarleton. TARLETON. Oh, the gulf that lies between them! the impassable, eternal gulf! And so I'm to buy the brute for you, eh? HYPATIA. If you please, papa. TARLETON. Whats the price, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. We might do with another fifteen hundred if my father would contribute. But I should like more. TARLETON. It's purely a question of money with you, is it? PERCIVAL. _[after a moment's consideration]_ Practically yes: it turns on that. TARLETON. I thought you might have some sort of preference for Patsy, you know. PERCIVAL. Well, but does that matter, do you think? Patsy fascinates me, no doubt. I apparently fascinate Patsy. But, believe me, all that is not worth considering. One of my three fathers (the priest) has married hundreds of couples: couples selected by one another, couples selected by the parents, couples forced to marry one another by circumstances of one kind or another; and he assures me that if marriages were made by putting all the men's names into one sack and the women's names into another, and having them taken out by a blindfolded child like lottery numbers, there would be just as high a percentage of happy marriages as we have here in England. He said Cupid was nothing but the blindfolded child: pretty idea that, I think! I shall have as good a chance with Patsy as with anyone else. Mind: I'm not bigoted about it. I'm not a doctrinaire: not the slave of a theory. You and Lord Summerhays are experienced married men. If you can tell me of any trustworthy method of selecting a wife, I shall be happy to make use of it. I await your suggestions. _[He looks with polite attention to Lord Summerhays, who, having nothing to say, avoids his eye. He looks to Tarleton, who purses his lips glumly and rattles his money in his pockets without a word]._ Apparently neither of you has anything to suggest. Then Patsy will do as well as another, provided the money is forthcoming. HYPATIA. Oh, you beauty, you beauty! TARLETON. When I married Patsy's mother, I was in love with her. PERCIVAL. For the first time? TARLETON. Yes: for the first time. PERCIVAL. For the last time? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[revolted]_ Sir: you are in the presence of his daughter. HYPATIA. Oh, dont mind me. I dont care. I'm accustomed to Papa's adventures. TARLETON. _[blushing painfully]_ Patsy, my child: that was not--not delicate. HYPATIA. Well, papa, youve never shewn any delicacy in talking to me about my conduct; and I really dont see why I shouldnt talk to you about yours. It's such nonsense! Do you think young people dont know? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I'm sure they dont feel. Tarleton: this is too horrible, too brutal. If neither of these young people have any--any--any-- PERCIVAL. Shall we say paternal sentimentality? I'm extremely sorry to shock you; but you must remember that Ive been educated to discuss human affairs with three fathers simultaneously. I'm an adult person. Patsy is an adult person. You do not inspire me with veneration. Apparently you do not inspire Patsy with veneration. That may surprise you. It may pain you. I'm sorry. It cant be helped. What about the money? TARLETON. You dont inspire me with generosity, young man. HYPATIA. _[laughing with genuine amusement]_ He had you there, Joey. TARLETON. I havnt been a bad father to you, Patsy. HYPATIA. I dont say you have, dear. If only I could persuade you Ive grown up, we should get along perfectly. TARLETON. Do you remember Bill Burt? HYPATIA. Why? TARLETON. _[to the others]_ Bill Burt was a laborer here. I was going to sack him for kicking his father. He said his father had kicked him until he was big enough to kick back. Patsy begged him off. I asked that man what it felt like the first time he kicked his father, and found that it was just like kicking any other man. He laughed and said that it was the old man that knew what it felt like. Think of that, Summerhays! think of that! HYPATIA. I havnt kicked you, papa. TARLETON. Youve kicked me harder than Bill Burt ever kicked. LORD SUMMERHAYS. It's no use, Tarleton. Spare yourself. Do you seriously expect these young people, at their age, to sympathize with what this gentleman calls your paternal sentimentality? TARLETON. _[wistfully]_ Is it nothing to you but paternal sentimentality, Patsy? HYPATIA. Well, I greatly prefer your superabundant vitality, papa. TARLETON. _[violently]_ Hold your tongue, you young devil. The young are all alike: hard, coarse, shallow, cruel, selfish, dirty-minded. You can clear out of my house as soon as you can coax him to take you; and the sooner the better. _[To Percival]_ I think you said your price was fifteen hundred a year. Take it. And I wish you joy of your bargain. PERCIVAL. If you wish to know who I am-- TARLETON. I dont care a tinker's curse who you are or what you are. Youre willing to take that girl off my hands for fifteen hundred a year: thats all that concerns me. Tell her who you are if you like: it's her affair,

after

How many times the word 'after' appears in the text?

Do you consider that sufficient, Lord Summerhays? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh quite, quite. PERCIVAL. _[to Hypatia]_ Lord Summerhays would probably like to hear you say that you are satisfied, Miss Tarleton. HYPATIA. _[coming out of the swing, and advancing between Percival and Lord Summerhays]_ I must say that you have behaved like a perfect gentleman, Mr. Percival. PERCIVAL. _[first bowing to Hypatia, and then turning with cold contempt to Gunner, who is standing helpless]_ We need not trouble you any further. _[Gunner turns vaguely towards the pavilion]._ JOHNNY _[with less refined offensiveness, pointing to the pavilion]_ Thats your way. The gardener will shew you the shortest way into the road. Go the shortest way. GUNNER. _[oppressed and disconcerted, hardly knows how to get out of the room]_ Yes, sir. I-- _[He turns again, appealing to Tarleton]_ Maynt I have my mother's photographs back again? _[Mrs Tarleton pricks up her ears]._ TARLETON. Eh? What? Oh, the photographs! Yes, yes, yes: take them. _[Gunner takes them from the table, and is creeping away, when Mrs Tarleton puts out her hand and stops him]._ MRS TARLETON. Whats this, John? What were you doing with his mother's photographs? TARLETON. Nothing, nothing. Never mind, Chickabiddy: it's all right. MRS TARLETON. _[snatching the photographs from Gunner's irresolute fingers, and recognizing them at a glance]_ Lucy Titmus! Oh John, John! TARLETON. _[grimly, to Gunner]_ Young man: youre a fool; but youve just put the lid on this job in a masterly manner. I knew you would. I told you all to let well alone. You wouldnt; and now you must take the consequences--or rather _I_ must take them. MRS TARLETON. _[to Gunner]_ Are you Lucy's son? GUNNER. Yes. MRS TARLETON. And why didnt you come to me? I didnt turn my back on your mother when she came to me in her trouble. Didnt you know that? GUNNER. No. She never talked to me about anything. TARLETON. How could she talk to her own son? Shy, Summerhays, shy. Parent and child. Shy. _[He sits down at the end of the writing table nearest the sideboard like a man resigned to anything that fate may have in store for him]._ MRS TARLETON. Then how did you find out? GUNNER. From her papers after she died. MRS TARLETON. _[shocked]_ Is Lucy dead? And I never knew! _[With an effusion of tenderness]_ And you here being treated like that, poor orphan, with nobody to take your part! Tear up that foolish paper, child; and sit down and make friends with me. JOHNNY. | Hallo, mother this is all very well, you know-- | PERCIVAL. | But may I point out, Mrs Tarleton, that-- | BENTLEY. | Do you mean that after what he said of-- | HYPATIA. | Oh, look here, mamma: this is really-- MRS TARLETON. Will you please speak one at a time? _Silence._ PERCIVAL _[in a very gentlemanly manner]_ Will you allow me to remind you, Mrs Tarleton, that this man has uttered a most serious and disgraceful falsehood concerning Miss Tarleton and myself? MRS TARLETON. I dont believe a word of it. If the poor lad was there in the Turkish bath, who has a better right to say what was going on here than he has? You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Patsy; and so ought you too, Mr Percival, for encouraging her. _[Hypatia retreats to the pavilion, and exchanges grimaces with Johnny, shamelessly enjoying Percival's sudden reverse. They know their mother]._ PERCIVAL. _[gasping]_ Mrs Tarleton: I give you my word of honor-- MRS TARLETON. Oh, go along with you and your word of honor. Do you think I'm a fool? I wonder you can look the lad in the face after bullying him and making him sign those wicked lies; and all the time you carrying on with my daughter before youd been half an hour in my house. Fie, for shame! PERCIVAL. Lord Summerhays: I appeal to you. Have I done the correct thing or not? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Youve done your best, Mr Percival. But the correct thing depends for its success on everybody playing the game very strictly. As a single-handed game, it's impossible. BENTLEY. _[suddenly breaking out lamentably]_ Joey: have you taken Hypatia away from me? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[severely]_ Bentley! Bentley! Control yourself, sir. TARLETON. Come, Mr Percival! the shutters are up on the gentlemanly business. Try the truth. PERCIVAL. I am in a wretched position. If I tell the truth nobody will believe me. TARLETON. Oh yes they will. The truth makes everybody believe it. PERCIVAL. It also makes everybody pretend not to believe it. Mrs Tarleton: youre not playing the game. MRS TARLETON. I dont think youve behaved at all nicely, Mr Percival. BENTLEY. I wouldnt have played you such a dirty trick, Joey. _[Struggling with a sob]_ You beast. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Bentley: you must control yourself. Let me say at the same time, Mr Percival, that my son seems to have been mistaken in regarding you either as his friend or as a gentleman. PERCIVAL. Miss Tarleton: I'm suffering this for your sake. I ask you just to say that I am not to blame. Just that and nothing more. HYPATIA. _[gloating mischievously over his distress]_ You chased me through the heather and kissed me. You shouldnt have done that if you were not in earnest. PERCIVAL. Oh, this is really the limit. _[Turning desperately to Gunner]_ Sir: I appeal to you. As a gentleman! as a man of honor! as a man bound to stand by another man! You were in that Turkish bath. You saw how it began. Could any man have behaved more correctly than I did? Is there a shadow of foundation for the accusations brought against me? GUNNER. _[sorely perplexed]_ Well, what do you want me to say? JOHNNY. He has said what he had to say already, hasnt he? Read that paper. GUNNER. When I tell the truth, you make me go back on it. And now you want me to go back on myself! What is a man to do? PERCIVAL. _[patiently]_ Please try to get your mind clear, Mr Brown. I pointed out to you that you could not, as a gentleman, disparage a lady's character. You agree with me, I hope. GUNNER. Yes: that sounds all right. PERCIVAL. But youre also bound to tell the truth. Surely youll not deny that. GUNNER. Who's denying it? I say nothing against it. PERCIVAL. Of course not. Well, I ask you to tell the truth simply and unaffectedly. Did you witness any improper conduct on my part when you were in the bath? GUNNER. No, sir. JOHNNY. | Then what do you mean by saying that-- | HYPATIA. | Do you mean to say that I-- | BENTLEY. | Oh, you are a rotter. Youre afraid-- TARLETON. _[rising]_ Stop. _[Silence]._ Leave it at that. Enough said. You keep quiet, Johnny. Mr Percival: youre whitewashed. So are you, Patsy. Honors are easy. Lets drop the subject. The next thing to do is to open a subscription to start this young man on a ranch in some far country thats accustomed to be in a disturbed state. He-- MRS TARLETON. Now stop joking the poor lad, John: I wont have it. Has been worried to death between you all. _[To Gunner]_ Have you had your tea? GUNNER. Tea? No: it's too early. I'm all right; only I had no dinner: I didnt think I'd want it. I didnt think I'd be alive. MRS TARLETON. Oh, what a thing to say! You mustnt talk like that. JOHNNY. Hes out of his mind. He thinks it's past dinner-time. MRS TARLETON. Oh, youve no sense, Johnny. He calls his lunch his dinner, and has his tea at half-past six. Havnt you, dear? GUNNER. _[timidly]_ Hasnt everybody? JOHNNY. _[laughing]_ Well, by George, thats not bad. MRS TARLETON. Now dont be rude, Johnny: you know I dont like it. _[To Gunner]_ A cup of tea will pick you up. GUNNER. I'd rather not. I'm all right. TARLETON. _[going to the sideboard]_ Here! try a mouthful of sloe gin. GUNNER. No, thanks. I'm a teetotaler. I cant touch alcohol in any form. TARLETON. Nonsense! This isnt alcohol. Sloe gin. Vegetarian, you know. GUNNER. _[hesitating]_ Is it a fruit beverage? TARLETON. Of course it is. Fruit beverage. Here you are. _[He gives him a glass of sloe gin]._ GUNNER. _[going to the sideboard]_ Thanks. _[he begins to drink it confidently; but the first mouthful startles and almost chokes him]._ It's rather hot. TARLETON. Do you good. Dont be afraid of it. MRS TARLETON. _[going to him]_ Sip it, dear. Dont be in a hurry. _Gunner sips slowly, each sip making his eyes water._ JOHNNY. _[coming forward into the place left vacant by Gunner's visit to the sideboard]_ Well, now that the gentleman has been attended to, I should like to know where we are. It may be a vulgar business habit; but I confess I like to know where I am. TARLETON. I dont. Wherever you are, youre there anyhow. I tell you again, leave it at that. BENTLEY. I want to know too. Hypatia's engaged to me. HYPATIA. Bentley: if you insult me again--if you say another word, I'll leave the house and not enter it until you leave it. JOHNNY. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, my boy. BENTLEY. _[inarticulate with fury and suppressed tears]_ Oh! Beasts! Brutes! MRS TARLETON. Now dont hurt his feelings, poor little lamb! LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[very sternly]_ Bentley: you are not behaving well. You had better leave us until you have recovered yourself. _Bentley goes out in disgrace, but gets no further than half way to the pavilion door, when, with a wild sob, he throws himself on the floor and begins to yell._ MRS TARLETON. | _[running to him]_ Oh, poor child, | poor child! Dont cry, duckie: | he didnt mean it: dont cry. | LORD SUMMERHAYS| Stop that infernal noise, sir: do you | hear? Stop it instantly. | JOHNNY. | Thats the game he tried on me. | There you are! Now, mother! | Now, Patsy! You see for yourselves. | HYPATIA. | _[covering her ears]_ Oh you little | wretch! Stop him, Mr Percival. Kick him. | TARLETON. | Steady on, steady on. Easy, Bunny, easy. LINA. Leave him to me, Mrs Tarleton. Stand clear, please. _She kneels opposite Bentley; quickly lifts the upper half of him from the ground; dives under him; rises with his body hanging across her shoulders; and runs out with him._ BENTLEY. _[in scared, sobered, humble tones as he is borne off]_ What are you doing? Let me down. Please, Miss Szczepanowska-- _[they pass out of hearing]._ _An awestruck silence falls on the company as they speculate on Bentley's fate._ JOHNNY. I wonder what shes going to do with him. HYPATIA. Spank him, I hope. Spank him hard. LORD SUMMERHAYS. I hope so. I hope so. Tarleton: I'm beyond measure humiliated and annoyed by my son's behavior in your house. I had better take him home. TARLETON. Not at all: not at all. Now, Chickabiddy: as Miss Lina has taken away Ben, suppose you take away Mr Brown for a while. GUNNER. _[with unexpected aggressiveness]_ My name isnt Brown. _[They stare at him: he meets their stare defiantly, pugnacious with sloe gin; drains the last drop from his glass; throws it on the sideboard; and advances to the writing table]._ My name's Baker: Julius Baker. Mister Baker. If any man doubts it, I'm ready for him. MRS TARLETON. John: you shouldnt have given him that sloe gin. It's gone to his head. GUNNER. Dont you think it. Fruit beverages dont go to the head; and what matter if they did? I say nothing to you, maam: I regard you with respect and affection. _[Lachrymosely]_ You were very good to my mother: my poor mother! _[Relapsing into his daring mood]_ But I say my name's Baker; and I'm not to be treated as a child or made a slave of by any man. Baker is my name. Did you think I was going to give you my real name? Not likely. Not me. TARLETON. So you thought of John Brown. That was clever of you. GUNNER. Clever! Yes: we're not all such fools as you think: we clerks. It was the bookkeeper put me up to that. It's the only name that nobody gives as a false name, he said. Clever, eh? I should think so. MRS TARLETON. Come now, Julius-- GUNNER. _[reassuring her gravely]_ Dont you be alarmed, maam. I know what is due to you as a lady and to myself as a gentleman. I regard you with respect and affection. If you had been my mother, as you ought to have been, I should have had more chance. But you shall have no cause to be ashamed of me. The strength of a chain is no greater than its weakest link; but the greatness of a poet is the greatness of his greatest moment. Shakespear used to get drunk. Frederick the Great ran away from a battle. But it was what they could rise to, not what they could sink to, that made them great. They werent good always; but they were good on their day. Well, on my day--on my day, mind you--I'm good for something too. I know that Ive made a silly exhibition of myself here. I know I didnt rise to the occasion. I know that if youd been my mother, youd have been ashamed of me. I lost my presence of mind: I was a contemptible coward. But _[slapping himself on the chest]_ I'm not the man I was then. This is my day. Ive seen the tenth possessor of a foolish face carried out kicking and screaming by a woman. _[To Percival]_ You crowed pretty big over me. You hypnotized me. But when you were put through the fire yourself, you were found wanting. I tell you straight I dont give a damn for you. MRS TARLETON. No: thats naughty. You shouldnt say that before me. GUNNER. I would cut my tongue out sooner than say anything vulgar in your presence; for I regard you with respect and affection. I was not swearing. I was affirming my manhood. MRS TARLETON. What an idea! What puts all these things into your head? GUNNER. Oh, dont you think, because I'm a clerk, that I'm not one of the intellectuals. I'm a reading man, a thinking man. I read in a book--a high class six shilling book--this precept: Affirm your manhood. It appealed to me. Ive always remembered it. I believe in it. I feel I must do it to recover your respect after my cowardly behavior. Therefore I affirm it in your presence. I tell that man who insulted me that I dont give a damn for him. And neither I do. TARLETON. I say, Summerhays: did you have chaps of this sort in Jinghiskahn? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh yes: they exist everywhere: they are a most serious modern problem. GUNNER. Yes. Youre right. _[Conceitedly]_ I'm a problem. And I tell you that when we clerks realize that we're problems! well, look out: thats all. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[suavely, to Gunner]_ You read a great deal, you say? GUNNER. Ive read more than any man in this room, if the truth were known, I expect. Thats whats going to smash up your Capitalism. The problems are beginning to read. Ha! We're free to do that here in England. What would you do with me in Jinghiskahn if you had me there? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Well, since you ask me so directly, I'll tell you. I should take advantage of the fact that you have neither sense enough nor strength enough to know how to behave yourself in a difficulty of any sort. I should warn an intelligent and ambitious policeman that you are a troublesome person. The intelligent and ambitious policeman would take an early opportunity of upsetting your temper by ordering you to move on, and treading on your heels until you were provoked into obstructing an officer in the discharge of his duty. Any trifle of that sort would be sufficient to make a man like you lose your self-possession and put yourself in the wrong. You would then be charged and imprisoned until things quieted down. GUNNER. And you call that justice! LORD SUMMERHAYS. No. Justice was not my business. I had to govern a province; and I took the necessary steps to maintain order in it. Men are not governed by justice, but by law or persuasion. When they refuse to be governed by law or persuasion, they have to be governed by force or fraud, or both. I used both when law and persuasion failed me. Every ruler of men since the world began has done so, even when he has hated both fraud and force as heartily as I do. It is as well that you should know this, my young friend; so that you may recognize in time that anarchism is a game at which the police can beat you. What have you to say to that? GUNNER. What have I to say to it! Well, I call it scandalous: thats what I have to say to it. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Precisely: thats all anybody has to say to it, except the British public, which pretends not to believe it. And now let me ask you a sympathetic personal question. Havnt you a headache? GUNNER. Well, since you ask me, I have. Ive overexcited myself. MRS TARLETON. Poor lad! No wonder, after all youve gone through! You want to eat a little and to lie down. You come with me. I want you to tell me about your poor dear mother and about yourself. Come along with me. _[She leads the way to the inner door]._ GUNNER. _[following her obediently]_ Thank you kindly, madam. _[She goes out. Before passing out after her, he partly closes the door and stops an the landing for a moment to say]_ Mind: I'm not knuckling down to any man here. I knuckle down to Mrs Tarleton because shes a woman in a thousand. I affirm my manhood all the same. Understand: I dont give a damn for the lot of you. _[He hurries out, rather afraid of the consequences of this defiance, which has provoked Johnny to an impatient movement towards him]._ HYPATIA. Thank goodness hes gone! Oh, what a bore! WHAT a bore!!! Talk, talk, talk! TARLETON. Patsy: it's no good. We're going to talk. And we're going to talk about you. JOHNNY. It's no use shirking it, Pat. We'd better know where we are. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Come, Miss Tarleton. Wont you sit down? I'm very tired of standing. _[Hypatia comes from the pavilion and takes a chair at the worktable. Lord Summerhays takes the opposite chair, on her right. Percival takes the chair Johnny placed for Lina on her arrival. Tarleton sits down at the end of the writing table. Johnny remains standing. Lord Summerhays continues, with a sigh of relief at being seated.]_ We shall now get the change of subject we are all pining for. JOHNNY. _[puzzled]_ Whats that? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The great question. The question that men and women will spend hours over without complaining. The question that occupies all the novel readers and all the playgoers. The question they never get tired of. JOHNNY. But what question? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question which particular young man some young woman will mate with. PERCIVAL. As if it mattered! HYPATIA. _[sharply]_ Whats that you said? PERCIVAL. I said: As if it mattered. HYPATIA. I call that ungentlemanly. PERCIVAL. Do you care about that? you who are so magnificently unladylike! JOHNNY. Look here, Mr Percival: youre not supposed to insult my sister. HYPATIA. Oh, shut up, Johnny. I can take care of myself. Dont you interfere. JOHNNY. Oh, very well. If you choose to give yourself away like that--to allow a man to call you unladylike and then to be unladylike, Ive nothing more to say. HYPATIA. I think Mr Percival is most ungentlemanly; but I wont be protected. I'll not have my affairs interfered with by men on pretence of protecting me. I'm not your baby. If I interfered between you and a woman, you would soon tell me to mind my own business. TARLETON. Children: dont squabble. Read Dr Watts. Behave yourselves. JOHNNY. Ive nothing more to say; and as I dont seem to be wanted here, I shall take myself off. _[He goes out with affected calm through the pavilion]._ TARLETON. Summerhays: a family is an awful thing, an impossible thing. Cat and dog. Patsy: I'm ashamed of you. HYPATIA. I'll make it up with Johnny afterwards; but I really cant have him here sticking his clumsy hoof into my affairs. LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question is, Mr Percival, are you really a gentleman, or are you not? PERCIVAL. Was Napoleon really a gentleman or was he not? He made the lady get out of the way of the porter and said, "Respect the burden, madam." That was behaving like a very fine gentleman; but he kicked Volney for saying that what France wanted was the Bourbons back again. That was behaving rather like a navvy. Now I, like Napoleon, am not all one piece. On occasion, as you have all seen, I can behave like a gentleman. On occasion, I can behave with a brutal simplicity which Miss Tarleton herself could hardly surpass. TARLETON. Gentleman or no gentleman, Patsy: what are your intentions? HYPATIA. My intentions! Surely it's the gentleman who should be asked his intentions. TARLETON. Come now, Patsy! none of that nonsense. Has Mr Percival said anything to you that I ought to know or that Bentley ought to know? Have you said anything to Mr Percival? HYPATIA. Mr Percival chased me through the heather and kissed me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. As a gentleman, Mr Percival, what do you say to that? PERCIVAL. As a gentleman, I do not kiss and tell. As a mere man: a mere cad, if you like, I say that I did so at Miss Tarleton's own suggestion. HYPATIA. Beast! PERCIVAL. I dont deny that I enjoyed it. But I did not initiate it. And I began by running away. TARLETON. So Patsy can run faster than you, can she? PERCIVAL. Yes, when she is in pursuit of me. She runs faster and faster. I run slower and slower. And these woods of yours are full of magic. There was a confounded fern owl. Did you ever hear the churr of a fern owl? Did you ever hear it create a sudden silence by ceasing? Did you ever hear it call its mate by striking its wings together twice and whistling that single note that no nightingale can imitate? That is what happened in the woods when I was running away. So I turned; and the pursuer became the pursued. HYPATIA. I had to fight like a wild cat. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Please dont tell us this. It's not fit for old people to hear. TARLETON. Come: how did it end? HYPATIA. It's not ended yet. TARLETON. How is it going to end? HYPATIA. Ask him. TARLETON. How is it going to end, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. I cant afford to marry, Mr Tarleton. Ive only a thousand a year until my father dies. Two people cant possibly live on that. TARLETON. Oh, cant they? When _I_ married, I should have been jolly glad to have felt sure of the quarter of it. PERCIVAL. No doubt; but I am not a cheap person, Mr Tarleton. I was brought up in a household which cost at least seven or eight times that; and I am in constant money difficulties because I simply dont know how to live on the thousand a year scale. As to ask a woman to share my degrading poverty, it's out of the question. Besides, I'm rather young to marry. I'm only 28. HYPATIA. Papa: buy the brute for me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[shrinking]_ My dear Miss Tarleton: dont be so naughty. I know how delightful it is to shock an old man; but there is a point at which it becomes barbarous. Dont. Please dont. HYPATIA. Shall I tell Papa about you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Tarleton: I had better tell you that I once asked your daughter to become my widow. TARLETON. _[to Hypatia]_ Why didnt you accept him, you young idiot? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I was too old. TARLETON. All this has been going on under my nose, I suppose. You run after young men; and old men run after you. And I'm the last person in the world to hear of it. HYPATIA. How could I tell you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Parents and children, Tarleton. TARLETON. Oh, the gulf that lies between them! the impassable, eternal gulf! And so I'm to buy the brute for you, eh? HYPATIA. If you please, papa. TARLETON. Whats the price, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. We might do with another fifteen hundred if my father would contribute. But I should like more. TARLETON. It's purely a question of money with you, is it? PERCIVAL. _[after a moment's consideration]_ Practically yes: it turns on that. TARLETON. I thought you might have some sort of preference for Patsy, you know. PERCIVAL. Well, but does that matter, do you think? Patsy fascinates me, no doubt. I apparently fascinate Patsy. But, believe me, all that is not worth considering. One of my three fathers (the priest) has married hundreds of couples: couples selected by one another, couples selected by the parents, couples forced to marry one another by circumstances of one kind or another; and he assures me that if marriages were made by putting all the men's names into one sack and the women's names into another, and having them taken out by a blindfolded child like lottery numbers, there would be just as high a percentage of happy marriages as we have here in England. He said Cupid was nothing but the blindfolded child: pretty idea that, I think! I shall have as good a chance with Patsy as with anyone else. Mind: I'm not bigoted about it. I'm not a doctrinaire: not the slave of a theory. You and Lord Summerhays are experienced married men. If you can tell me of any trustworthy method of selecting a wife, I shall be happy to make use of it. I await your suggestions. _[He looks with polite attention to Lord Summerhays, who, having nothing to say, avoids his eye. He looks to Tarleton, who purses his lips glumly and rattles his money in his pockets without a word]._ Apparently neither of you has anything to suggest. Then Patsy will do as well as another, provided the money is forthcoming. HYPATIA. Oh, you beauty, you beauty! TARLETON. When I married Patsy's mother, I was in love with her. PERCIVAL. For the first time? TARLETON. Yes: for the first time. PERCIVAL. For the last time? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[revolted]_ Sir: you are in the presence of his daughter. HYPATIA. Oh, dont mind me. I dont care. I'm accustomed to Papa's adventures. TARLETON. _[blushing painfully]_ Patsy, my child: that was not--not delicate. HYPATIA. Well, papa, youve never shewn any delicacy in talking to me about my conduct; and I really dont see why I shouldnt talk to you about yours. It's such nonsense! Do you think young people dont know? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I'm sure they dont feel. Tarleton: this is too horrible, too brutal. If neither of these young people have any--any--any-- PERCIVAL. Shall we say paternal sentimentality? I'm extremely sorry to shock you; but you must remember that Ive been educated to discuss human affairs with three fathers simultaneously. I'm an adult person. Patsy is an adult person. You do not inspire me with veneration. Apparently you do not inspire Patsy with veneration. That may surprise you. It may pain you. I'm sorry. It cant be helped. What about the money? TARLETON. You dont inspire me with generosity, young man. HYPATIA. _[laughing with genuine amusement]_ He had you there, Joey. TARLETON. I havnt been a bad father to you, Patsy. HYPATIA. I dont say you have, dear. If only I could persuade you Ive grown up, we should get along perfectly. TARLETON. Do you remember Bill Burt? HYPATIA. Why? TARLETON. _[to the others]_ Bill Burt was a laborer here. I was going to sack him for kicking his father. He said his father had kicked him until he was big enough to kick back. Patsy begged him off. I asked that man what it felt like the first time he kicked his father, and found that it was just like kicking any other man. He laughed and said that it was the old man that knew what it felt like. Think of that, Summerhays! think of that! HYPATIA. I havnt kicked you, papa. TARLETON. Youve kicked me harder than Bill Burt ever kicked. LORD SUMMERHAYS. It's no use, Tarleton. Spare yourself. Do you seriously expect these young people, at their age, to sympathize with what this gentleman calls your paternal sentimentality? TARLETON. _[wistfully]_ Is it nothing to you but paternal sentimentality, Patsy? HYPATIA. Well, I greatly prefer your superabundant vitality, papa. TARLETON. _[violently]_ Hold your tongue, you young devil. The young are all alike: hard, coarse, shallow, cruel, selfish, dirty-minded. You can clear out of my house as soon as you can coax him to take you; and the sooner the better. _[To Percival]_ I think you said your price was fifteen hundred a year. Take it. And I wish you joy of your bargain. PERCIVAL. If you wish to know who I am-- TARLETON. I dont care a tinker's curse who you are or what you are. Youre willing to take that girl off my hands for fifteen hundred a year: thats all that concerns me. Tell her who you are if you like: it's her affair,

stops

How many times the word 'stops' appears in the text?

Do you consider that sufficient, Lord Summerhays? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh quite, quite. PERCIVAL. _[to Hypatia]_ Lord Summerhays would probably like to hear you say that you are satisfied, Miss Tarleton. HYPATIA. _[coming out of the swing, and advancing between Percival and Lord Summerhays]_ I must say that you have behaved like a perfect gentleman, Mr. Percival. PERCIVAL. _[first bowing to Hypatia, and then turning with cold contempt to Gunner, who is standing helpless]_ We need not trouble you any further. _[Gunner turns vaguely towards the pavilion]._ JOHNNY _[with less refined offensiveness, pointing to the pavilion]_ Thats your way. The gardener will shew you the shortest way into the road. Go the shortest way. GUNNER. _[oppressed and disconcerted, hardly knows how to get out of the room]_ Yes, sir. I-- _[He turns again, appealing to Tarleton]_ Maynt I have my mother's photographs back again? _[Mrs Tarleton pricks up her ears]._ TARLETON. Eh? What? Oh, the photographs! Yes, yes, yes: take them. _[Gunner takes them from the table, and is creeping away, when Mrs Tarleton puts out her hand and stops him]._ MRS TARLETON. Whats this, John? What were you doing with his mother's photographs? TARLETON. Nothing, nothing. Never mind, Chickabiddy: it's all right. MRS TARLETON. _[snatching the photographs from Gunner's irresolute fingers, and recognizing them at a glance]_ Lucy Titmus! Oh John, John! TARLETON. _[grimly, to Gunner]_ Young man: youre a fool; but youve just put the lid on this job in a masterly manner. I knew you would. I told you all to let well alone. You wouldnt; and now you must take the consequences--or rather _I_ must take them. MRS TARLETON. _[to Gunner]_ Are you Lucy's son? GUNNER. Yes. MRS TARLETON. And why didnt you come to me? I didnt turn my back on your mother when she came to me in her trouble. Didnt you know that? GUNNER. No. She never talked to me about anything. TARLETON. How could she talk to her own son? Shy, Summerhays, shy. Parent and child. Shy. _[He sits down at the end of the writing table nearest the sideboard like a man resigned to anything that fate may have in store for him]._ MRS TARLETON. Then how did you find out? GUNNER. From her papers after she died. MRS TARLETON. _[shocked]_ Is Lucy dead? And I never knew! _[With an effusion of tenderness]_ And you here being treated like that, poor orphan, with nobody to take your part! Tear up that foolish paper, child; and sit down and make friends with me. JOHNNY. | Hallo, mother this is all very well, you know-- | PERCIVAL. | But may I point out, Mrs Tarleton, that-- | BENTLEY. | Do you mean that after what he said of-- | HYPATIA. | Oh, look here, mamma: this is really-- MRS TARLETON. Will you please speak one at a time? _Silence._ PERCIVAL _[in a very gentlemanly manner]_ Will you allow me to remind you, Mrs Tarleton, that this man has uttered a most serious and disgraceful falsehood concerning Miss Tarleton and myself? MRS TARLETON. I dont believe a word of it. If the poor lad was there in the Turkish bath, who has a better right to say what was going on here than he has? You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Patsy; and so ought you too, Mr Percival, for encouraging her. _[Hypatia retreats to the pavilion, and exchanges grimaces with Johnny, shamelessly enjoying Percival's sudden reverse. They know their mother]._ PERCIVAL. _[gasping]_ Mrs Tarleton: I give you my word of honor-- MRS TARLETON. Oh, go along with you and your word of honor. Do you think I'm a fool? I wonder you can look the lad in the face after bullying him and making him sign those wicked lies; and all the time you carrying on with my daughter before youd been half an hour in my house. Fie, for shame! PERCIVAL. Lord Summerhays: I appeal to you. Have I done the correct thing or not? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Youve done your best, Mr Percival. But the correct thing depends for its success on everybody playing the game very strictly. As a single-handed game, it's impossible. BENTLEY. _[suddenly breaking out lamentably]_ Joey: have you taken Hypatia away from me? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[severely]_ Bentley! Bentley! Control yourself, sir. TARLETON. Come, Mr Percival! the shutters are up on the gentlemanly business. Try the truth. PERCIVAL. I am in a wretched position. If I tell the truth nobody will believe me. TARLETON. Oh yes they will. The truth makes everybody believe it. PERCIVAL. It also makes everybody pretend not to believe it. Mrs Tarleton: youre not playing the game. MRS TARLETON. I dont think youve behaved at all nicely, Mr Percival. BENTLEY. I wouldnt have played you such a dirty trick, Joey. _[Struggling with a sob]_ You beast. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Bentley: you must control yourself. Let me say at the same time, Mr Percival, that my son seems to have been mistaken in regarding you either as his friend or as a gentleman. PERCIVAL. Miss Tarleton: I'm suffering this for your sake. I ask you just to say that I am not to blame. Just that and nothing more. HYPATIA. _[gloating mischievously over his distress]_ You chased me through the heather and kissed me. You shouldnt have done that if you were not in earnest. PERCIVAL. Oh, this is really the limit. _[Turning desperately to Gunner]_ Sir: I appeal to you. As a gentleman! as a man of honor! as a man bound to stand by another man! You were in that Turkish bath. You saw how it began. Could any man have behaved more correctly than I did? Is there a shadow of foundation for the accusations brought against me? GUNNER. _[sorely perplexed]_ Well, what do you want me to say? JOHNNY. He has said what he had to say already, hasnt he? Read that paper. GUNNER. When I tell the truth, you make me go back on it. And now you want me to go back on myself! What is a man to do? PERCIVAL. _[patiently]_ Please try to get your mind clear, Mr Brown. I pointed out to you that you could not, as a gentleman, disparage a lady's character. You agree with me, I hope. GUNNER. Yes: that sounds all right. PERCIVAL. But youre also bound to tell the truth. Surely youll not deny that. GUNNER. Who's denying it? I say nothing against it. PERCIVAL. Of course not. Well, I ask you to tell the truth simply and unaffectedly. Did you witness any improper conduct on my part when you were in the bath? GUNNER. No, sir. JOHNNY. | Then what do you mean by saying that-- | HYPATIA. | Do you mean to say that I-- | BENTLEY. | Oh, you are a rotter. Youre afraid-- TARLETON. _[rising]_ Stop. _[Silence]._ Leave it at that. Enough said. You keep quiet, Johnny. Mr Percival: youre whitewashed. So are you, Patsy. Honors are easy. Lets drop the subject. The next thing to do is to open a subscription to start this young man on a ranch in some far country thats accustomed to be in a disturbed state. He-- MRS TARLETON. Now stop joking the poor lad, John: I wont have it. Has been worried to death between you all. _[To Gunner]_ Have you had your tea? GUNNER. Tea? No: it's too early. I'm all right; only I had no dinner: I didnt think I'd want it. I didnt think I'd be alive. MRS TARLETON. Oh, what a thing to say! You mustnt talk like that. JOHNNY. Hes out of his mind. He thinks it's past dinner-time. MRS TARLETON. Oh, youve no sense, Johnny. He calls his lunch his dinner, and has his tea at half-past six. Havnt you, dear? GUNNER. _[timidly]_ Hasnt everybody? JOHNNY. _[laughing]_ Well, by George, thats not bad. MRS TARLETON. Now dont be rude, Johnny: you know I dont like it. _[To Gunner]_ A cup of tea will pick you up. GUNNER. I'd rather not. I'm all right. TARLETON. _[going to the sideboard]_ Here! try a mouthful of sloe gin. GUNNER. No, thanks. I'm a teetotaler. I cant touch alcohol in any form. TARLETON. Nonsense! This isnt alcohol. Sloe gin. Vegetarian, you know. GUNNER. _[hesitating]_ Is it a fruit beverage? TARLETON. Of course it is. Fruit beverage. Here you are. _[He gives him a glass of sloe gin]._ GUNNER. _[going to the sideboard]_ Thanks. _[he begins to drink it confidently; but the first mouthful startles and almost chokes him]._ It's rather hot. TARLETON. Do you good. Dont be afraid of it. MRS TARLETON. _[going to him]_ Sip it, dear. Dont be in a hurry. _Gunner sips slowly, each sip making his eyes water._ JOHNNY. _[coming forward into the place left vacant by Gunner's visit to the sideboard]_ Well, now that the gentleman has been attended to, I should like to know where we are. It may be a vulgar business habit; but I confess I like to know where I am. TARLETON. I dont. Wherever you are, youre there anyhow. I tell you again, leave it at that. BENTLEY. I want to know too. Hypatia's engaged to me. HYPATIA. Bentley: if you insult me again--if you say another word, I'll leave the house and not enter it until you leave it. JOHNNY. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, my boy. BENTLEY. _[inarticulate with fury and suppressed tears]_ Oh! Beasts! Brutes! MRS TARLETON. Now dont hurt his feelings, poor little lamb! LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[very sternly]_ Bentley: you are not behaving well. You had better leave us until you have recovered yourself. _Bentley goes out in disgrace, but gets no further than half way to the pavilion door, when, with a wild sob, he throws himself on the floor and begins to yell._ MRS TARLETON. | _[running to him]_ Oh, poor child, | poor child! Dont cry, duckie: | he didnt mean it: dont cry. | LORD SUMMERHAYS| Stop that infernal noise, sir: do you | hear? Stop it instantly. | JOHNNY. | Thats the game he tried on me. | There you are! Now, mother! | Now, Patsy! You see for yourselves. | HYPATIA. | _[covering her ears]_ Oh you little | wretch! Stop him, Mr Percival. Kick him. | TARLETON. | Steady on, steady on. Easy, Bunny, easy. LINA. Leave him to me, Mrs Tarleton. Stand clear, please. _She kneels opposite Bentley; quickly lifts the upper half of him from the ground; dives under him; rises with his body hanging across her shoulders; and runs out with him._ BENTLEY. _[in scared, sobered, humble tones as he is borne off]_ What are you doing? Let me down. Please, Miss Szczepanowska-- _[they pass out of hearing]._ _An awestruck silence falls on the company as they speculate on Bentley's fate._ JOHNNY. I wonder what shes going to do with him. HYPATIA. Spank him, I hope. Spank him hard. LORD SUMMERHAYS. I hope so. I hope so. Tarleton: I'm beyond measure humiliated and annoyed by my son's behavior in your house. I had better take him home. TARLETON. Not at all: not at all. Now, Chickabiddy: as Miss Lina has taken away Ben, suppose you take away Mr Brown for a while. GUNNER. _[with unexpected aggressiveness]_ My name isnt Brown. _[They stare at him: he meets their stare defiantly, pugnacious with sloe gin; drains the last drop from his glass; throws it on the sideboard; and advances to the writing table]._ My name's Baker: Julius Baker. Mister Baker. If any man doubts it, I'm ready for him. MRS TARLETON. John: you shouldnt have given him that sloe gin. It's gone to his head. GUNNER. Dont you think it. Fruit beverages dont go to the head; and what matter if they did? I say nothing to you, maam: I regard you with respect and affection. _[Lachrymosely]_ You were very good to my mother: my poor mother! _[Relapsing into his daring mood]_ But I say my name's Baker; and I'm not to be treated as a child or made a slave of by any man. Baker is my name. Did you think I was going to give you my real name? Not likely. Not me. TARLETON. So you thought of John Brown. That was clever of you. GUNNER. Clever! Yes: we're not all such fools as you think: we clerks. It was the bookkeeper put me up to that. It's the only name that nobody gives as a false name, he said. Clever, eh? I should think so. MRS TARLETON. Come now, Julius-- GUNNER. _[reassuring her gravely]_ Dont you be alarmed, maam. I know what is due to you as a lady and to myself as a gentleman. I regard you with respect and affection. If you had been my mother, as you ought to have been, I should have had more chance. But you shall have no cause to be ashamed of me. The strength of a chain is no greater than its weakest link; but the greatness of a poet is the greatness of his greatest moment. Shakespear used to get drunk. Frederick the Great ran away from a battle. But it was what they could rise to, not what they could sink to, that made them great. They werent good always; but they were good on their day. Well, on my day--on my day, mind you--I'm good for something too. I know that Ive made a silly exhibition of myself here. I know I didnt rise to the occasion. I know that if youd been my mother, youd have been ashamed of me. I lost my presence of mind: I was a contemptible coward. But _[slapping himself on the chest]_ I'm not the man I was then. This is my day. Ive seen the tenth possessor of a foolish face carried out kicking and screaming by a woman. _[To Percival]_ You crowed pretty big over me. You hypnotized me. But when you were put through the fire yourself, you were found wanting. I tell you straight I dont give a damn for you. MRS TARLETON. No: thats naughty. You shouldnt say that before me. GUNNER. I would cut my tongue out sooner than say anything vulgar in your presence; for I regard you with respect and affection. I was not swearing. I was affirming my manhood. MRS TARLETON. What an idea! What puts all these things into your head? GUNNER. Oh, dont you think, because I'm a clerk, that I'm not one of the intellectuals. I'm a reading man, a thinking man. I read in a book--a high class six shilling book--this precept: Affirm your manhood. It appealed to me. Ive always remembered it. I believe in it. I feel I must do it to recover your respect after my cowardly behavior. Therefore I affirm it in your presence. I tell that man who insulted me that I dont give a damn for him. And neither I do. TARLETON. I say, Summerhays: did you have chaps of this sort in Jinghiskahn? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh yes: they exist everywhere: they are a most serious modern problem. GUNNER. Yes. Youre right. _[Conceitedly]_ I'm a problem. And I tell you that when we clerks realize that we're problems! well, look out: thats all. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[suavely, to Gunner]_ You read a great deal, you say? GUNNER. Ive read more than any man in this room, if the truth were known, I expect. Thats whats going to smash up your Capitalism. The problems are beginning to read. Ha! We're free to do that here in England. What would you do with me in Jinghiskahn if you had me there? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Well, since you ask me so directly, I'll tell you. I should take advantage of the fact that you have neither sense enough nor strength enough to know how to behave yourself in a difficulty of any sort. I should warn an intelligent and ambitious policeman that you are a troublesome person. The intelligent and ambitious policeman would take an early opportunity of upsetting your temper by ordering you to move on, and treading on your heels until you were provoked into obstructing an officer in the discharge of his duty. Any trifle of that sort would be sufficient to make a man like you lose your self-possession and put yourself in the wrong. You would then be charged and imprisoned until things quieted down. GUNNER. And you call that justice! LORD SUMMERHAYS. No. Justice was not my business. I had to govern a province; and I took the necessary steps to maintain order in it. Men are not governed by justice, but by law or persuasion. When they refuse to be governed by law or persuasion, they have to be governed by force or fraud, or both. I used both when law and persuasion failed me. Every ruler of men since the world began has done so, even when he has hated both fraud and force as heartily as I do. It is as well that you should know this, my young friend; so that you may recognize in time that anarchism is a game at which the police can beat you. What have you to say to that? GUNNER. What have I to say to it! Well, I call it scandalous: thats what I have to say to it. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Precisely: thats all anybody has to say to it, except the British public, which pretends not to believe it. And now let me ask you a sympathetic personal question. Havnt you a headache? GUNNER. Well, since you ask me, I have. Ive overexcited myself. MRS TARLETON. Poor lad! No wonder, after all youve gone through! You want to eat a little and to lie down. You come with me. I want you to tell me about your poor dear mother and about yourself. Come along with me. _[She leads the way to the inner door]._ GUNNER. _[following her obediently]_ Thank you kindly, madam. _[She goes out. Before passing out after her, he partly closes the door and stops an the landing for a moment to say]_ Mind: I'm not knuckling down to any man here. I knuckle down to Mrs Tarleton because shes a woman in a thousand. I affirm my manhood all the same. Understand: I dont give a damn for the lot of you. _[He hurries out, rather afraid of the consequences of this defiance, which has provoked Johnny to an impatient movement towards him]._ HYPATIA. Thank goodness hes gone! Oh, what a bore! WHAT a bore!!! Talk, talk, talk! TARLETON. Patsy: it's no good. We're going to talk. And we're going to talk about you. JOHNNY. It's no use shirking it, Pat. We'd better know where we are. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Come, Miss Tarleton. Wont you sit down? I'm very tired of standing. _[Hypatia comes from the pavilion and takes a chair at the worktable. Lord Summerhays takes the opposite chair, on her right. Percival takes the chair Johnny placed for Lina on her arrival. Tarleton sits down at the end of the writing table. Johnny remains standing. Lord Summerhays continues, with a sigh of relief at being seated.]_ We shall now get the change of subject we are all pining for. JOHNNY. _[puzzled]_ Whats that? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The great question. The question that men and women will spend hours over without complaining. The question that occupies all the novel readers and all the playgoers. The question they never get tired of. JOHNNY. But what question? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question which particular young man some young woman will mate with. PERCIVAL. As if it mattered! HYPATIA. _[sharply]_ Whats that you said? PERCIVAL. I said: As if it mattered. HYPATIA. I call that ungentlemanly. PERCIVAL. Do you care about that? you who are so magnificently unladylike! JOHNNY. Look here, Mr Percival: youre not supposed to insult my sister. HYPATIA. Oh, shut up, Johnny. I can take care of myself. Dont you interfere. JOHNNY. Oh, very well. If you choose to give yourself away like that--to allow a man to call you unladylike and then to be unladylike, Ive nothing more to say. HYPATIA. I think Mr Percival is most ungentlemanly; but I wont be protected. I'll not have my affairs interfered with by men on pretence of protecting me. I'm not your baby. If I interfered between you and a woman, you would soon tell me to mind my own business. TARLETON. Children: dont squabble. Read Dr Watts. Behave yourselves. JOHNNY. Ive nothing more to say; and as I dont seem to be wanted here, I shall take myself off. _[He goes out with affected calm through the pavilion]._ TARLETON. Summerhays: a family is an awful thing, an impossible thing. Cat and dog. Patsy: I'm ashamed of you. HYPATIA. I'll make it up with Johnny afterwards; but I really cant have him here sticking his clumsy hoof into my affairs. LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question is, Mr Percival, are you really a gentleman, or are you not? PERCIVAL. Was Napoleon really a gentleman or was he not? He made the lady get out of the way of the porter and said, "Respect the burden, madam." That was behaving like a very fine gentleman; but he kicked Volney for saying that what France wanted was the Bourbons back again. That was behaving rather like a navvy. Now I, like Napoleon, am not all one piece. On occasion, as you have all seen, I can behave like a gentleman. On occasion, I can behave with a brutal simplicity which Miss Tarleton herself could hardly surpass. TARLETON. Gentleman or no gentleman, Patsy: what are your intentions? HYPATIA. My intentions! Surely it's the gentleman who should be asked his intentions. TARLETON. Come now, Patsy! none of that nonsense. Has Mr Percival said anything to you that I ought to know or that Bentley ought to know? Have you said anything to Mr Percival? HYPATIA. Mr Percival chased me through the heather and kissed me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. As a gentleman, Mr Percival, what do you say to that? PERCIVAL. As a gentleman, I do not kiss and tell. As a mere man: a mere cad, if you like, I say that I did so at Miss Tarleton's own suggestion. HYPATIA. Beast! PERCIVAL. I dont deny that I enjoyed it. But I did not initiate it. And I began by running away. TARLETON. So Patsy can run faster than you, can she? PERCIVAL. Yes, when she is in pursuit of me. She runs faster and faster. I run slower and slower. And these woods of yours are full of magic. There was a confounded fern owl. Did you ever hear the churr of a fern owl? Did you ever hear it create a sudden silence by ceasing? Did you ever hear it call its mate by striking its wings together twice and whistling that single note that no nightingale can imitate? That is what happened in the woods when I was running away. So I turned; and the pursuer became the pursued. HYPATIA. I had to fight like a wild cat. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Please dont tell us this. It's not fit for old people to hear. TARLETON. Come: how did it end? HYPATIA. It's not ended yet. TARLETON. How is it going to end? HYPATIA. Ask him. TARLETON. How is it going to end, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. I cant afford to marry, Mr Tarleton. Ive only a thousand a year until my father dies. Two people cant possibly live on that. TARLETON. Oh, cant they? When _I_ married, I should have been jolly glad to have felt sure of the quarter of it. PERCIVAL. No doubt; but I am not a cheap person, Mr Tarleton. I was brought up in a household which cost at least seven or eight times that; and I am in constant money difficulties because I simply dont know how to live on the thousand a year scale. As to ask a woman to share my degrading poverty, it's out of the question. Besides, I'm rather young to marry. I'm only 28. HYPATIA. Papa: buy the brute for me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[shrinking]_ My dear Miss Tarleton: dont be so naughty. I know how delightful it is to shock an old man; but there is a point at which it becomes barbarous. Dont. Please dont. HYPATIA. Shall I tell Papa about you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Tarleton: I had better tell you that I once asked your daughter to become my widow. TARLETON. _[to Hypatia]_ Why didnt you accept him, you young idiot? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I was too old. TARLETON. All this has been going on under my nose, I suppose. You run after young men; and old men run after you. And I'm the last person in the world to hear of it. HYPATIA. How could I tell you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Parents and children, Tarleton. TARLETON. Oh, the gulf that lies between them! the impassable, eternal gulf! And so I'm to buy the brute for you, eh? HYPATIA. If you please, papa. TARLETON. Whats the price, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. We might do with another fifteen hundred if my father would contribute. But I should like more. TARLETON. It's purely a question of money with you, is it? PERCIVAL. _[after a moment's consideration]_ Practically yes: it turns on that. TARLETON. I thought you might have some sort of preference for Patsy, you know. PERCIVAL. Well, but does that matter, do you think? Patsy fascinates me, no doubt. I apparently fascinate Patsy. But, believe me, all that is not worth considering. One of my three fathers (the priest) has married hundreds of couples: couples selected by one another, couples selected by the parents, couples forced to marry one another by circumstances of one kind or another; and he assures me that if marriages were made by putting all the men's names into one sack and the women's names into another, and having them taken out by a blindfolded child like lottery numbers, there would be just as high a percentage of happy marriages as we have here in England. He said Cupid was nothing but the blindfolded child: pretty idea that, I think! I shall have as good a chance with Patsy as with anyone else. Mind: I'm not bigoted about it. I'm not a doctrinaire: not the slave of a theory. You and Lord Summerhays are experienced married men. If you can tell me of any trustworthy method of selecting a wife, I shall be happy to make use of it. I await your suggestions. _[He looks with polite attention to Lord Summerhays, who, having nothing to say, avoids his eye. He looks to Tarleton, who purses his lips glumly and rattles his money in his pockets without a word]._ Apparently neither of you has anything to suggest. Then Patsy will do as well as another, provided the money is forthcoming. HYPATIA. Oh, you beauty, you beauty! TARLETON. When I married Patsy's mother, I was in love with her. PERCIVAL. For the first time? TARLETON. Yes: for the first time. PERCIVAL. For the last time? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[revolted]_ Sir: you are in the presence of his daughter. HYPATIA. Oh, dont mind me. I dont care. I'm accustomed to Papa's adventures. TARLETON. _[blushing painfully]_ Patsy, my child: that was not--not delicate. HYPATIA. Well, papa, youve never shewn any delicacy in talking to me about my conduct; and I really dont see why I shouldnt talk to you about yours. It's such nonsense! Do you think young people dont know? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I'm sure they dont feel. Tarleton: this is too horrible, too brutal. If neither of these young people have any--any--any-- PERCIVAL. Shall we say paternal sentimentality? I'm extremely sorry to shock you; but you must remember that Ive been educated to discuss human affairs with three fathers simultaneously. I'm an adult person. Patsy is an adult person. You do not inspire me with veneration. Apparently you do not inspire Patsy with veneration. That may surprise you. It may pain you. I'm sorry. It cant be helped. What about the money? TARLETON. You dont inspire me with generosity, young man. HYPATIA. _[laughing with genuine amusement]_ He had you there, Joey. TARLETON. I havnt been a bad father to you, Patsy. HYPATIA. I dont say you have, dear. If only I could persuade you Ive grown up, we should get along perfectly. TARLETON. Do you remember Bill Burt? HYPATIA. Why? TARLETON. _[to the others]_ Bill Burt was a laborer here. I was going to sack him for kicking his father. He said his father had kicked him until he was big enough to kick back. Patsy begged him off. I asked that man what it felt like the first time he kicked his father, and found that it was just like kicking any other man. He laughed and said that it was the old man that knew what it felt like. Think of that, Summerhays! think of that! HYPATIA. I havnt kicked you, papa. TARLETON. Youve kicked me harder than Bill Burt ever kicked. LORD SUMMERHAYS. It's no use, Tarleton. Spare yourself. Do you seriously expect these young people, at their age, to sympathize with what this gentleman calls your paternal sentimentality? TARLETON. _[wistfully]_ Is it nothing to you but paternal sentimentality, Patsy? HYPATIA. Well, I greatly prefer your superabundant vitality, papa. TARLETON. _[violently]_ Hold your tongue, you young devil. The young are all alike: hard, coarse, shallow, cruel, selfish, dirty-minded. You can clear out of my house as soon as you can coax him to take you; and the sooner the better. _[To Percival]_ I think you said your price was fifteen hundred a year. Take it. And I wish you joy of your bargain. PERCIVAL. If you wish to know who I am-- TARLETON. I dont care a tinker's curse who you are or what you are. Youre willing to take that girl off my hands for fifteen hundred a year: thats all that concerns me. Tell her who you are if you like: it's her affair,

affection

How many times the word 'affection' appears in the text?

Do you consider that sufficient, Lord Summerhays? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh quite, quite. PERCIVAL. _[to Hypatia]_ Lord Summerhays would probably like to hear you say that you are satisfied, Miss Tarleton. HYPATIA. _[coming out of the swing, and advancing between Percival and Lord Summerhays]_ I must say that you have behaved like a perfect gentleman, Mr. Percival. PERCIVAL. _[first bowing to Hypatia, and then turning with cold contempt to Gunner, who is standing helpless]_ We need not trouble you any further. _[Gunner turns vaguely towards the pavilion]._ JOHNNY _[with less refined offensiveness, pointing to the pavilion]_ Thats your way. The gardener will shew you the shortest way into the road. Go the shortest way. GUNNER. _[oppressed and disconcerted, hardly knows how to get out of the room]_ Yes, sir. I-- _[He turns again, appealing to Tarleton]_ Maynt I have my mother's photographs back again? _[Mrs Tarleton pricks up her ears]._ TARLETON. Eh? What? Oh, the photographs! Yes, yes, yes: take them. _[Gunner takes them from the table, and is creeping away, when Mrs Tarleton puts out her hand and stops him]._ MRS TARLETON. Whats this, John? What were you doing with his mother's photographs? TARLETON. Nothing, nothing. Never mind, Chickabiddy: it's all right. MRS TARLETON. _[snatching the photographs from Gunner's irresolute fingers, and recognizing them at a glance]_ Lucy Titmus! Oh John, John! TARLETON. _[grimly, to Gunner]_ Young man: youre a fool; but youve just put the lid on this job in a masterly manner. I knew you would. I told you all to let well alone. You wouldnt; and now you must take the consequences--or rather _I_ must take them. MRS TARLETON. _[to Gunner]_ Are you Lucy's son? GUNNER. Yes. MRS TARLETON. And why didnt you come to me? I didnt turn my back on your mother when she came to me in her trouble. Didnt you know that? GUNNER. No. She never talked to me about anything. TARLETON. How could she talk to her own son? Shy, Summerhays, shy. Parent and child. Shy. _[He sits down at the end of the writing table nearest the sideboard like a man resigned to anything that fate may have in store for him]._ MRS TARLETON. Then how did you find out? GUNNER. From her papers after she died. MRS TARLETON. _[shocked]_ Is Lucy dead? And I never knew! _[With an effusion of tenderness]_ And you here being treated like that, poor orphan, with nobody to take your part! Tear up that foolish paper, child; and sit down and make friends with me. JOHNNY. | Hallo, mother this is all very well, you know-- | PERCIVAL. | But may I point out, Mrs Tarleton, that-- | BENTLEY. | Do you mean that after what he said of-- | HYPATIA. | Oh, look here, mamma: this is really-- MRS TARLETON. Will you please speak one at a time? _Silence._ PERCIVAL _[in a very gentlemanly manner]_ Will you allow me to remind you, Mrs Tarleton, that this man has uttered a most serious and disgraceful falsehood concerning Miss Tarleton and myself? MRS TARLETON. I dont believe a word of it. If the poor lad was there in the Turkish bath, who has a better right to say what was going on here than he has? You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Patsy; and so ought you too, Mr Percival, for encouraging her. _[Hypatia retreats to the pavilion, and exchanges grimaces with Johnny, shamelessly enjoying Percival's sudden reverse. They know their mother]._ PERCIVAL. _[gasping]_ Mrs Tarleton: I give you my word of honor-- MRS TARLETON. Oh, go along with you and your word of honor. Do you think I'm a fool? I wonder you can look the lad in the face after bullying him and making him sign those wicked lies; and all the time you carrying on with my daughter before youd been half an hour in my house. Fie, for shame! PERCIVAL. Lord Summerhays: I appeal to you. Have I done the correct thing or not? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Youve done your best, Mr Percival. But the correct thing depends for its success on everybody playing the game very strictly. As a single-handed game, it's impossible. BENTLEY. _[suddenly breaking out lamentably]_ Joey: have you taken Hypatia away from me? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[severely]_ Bentley! Bentley! Control yourself, sir. TARLETON. Come, Mr Percival! the shutters are up on the gentlemanly business. Try the truth. PERCIVAL. I am in a wretched position. If I tell the truth nobody will believe me. TARLETON. Oh yes they will. The truth makes everybody believe it. PERCIVAL. It also makes everybody pretend not to believe it. Mrs Tarleton: youre not playing the game. MRS TARLETON. I dont think youve behaved at all nicely, Mr Percival. BENTLEY. I wouldnt have played you such a dirty trick, Joey. _[Struggling with a sob]_ You beast. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Bentley: you must control yourself. Let me say at the same time, Mr Percival, that my son seems to have been mistaken in regarding you either as his friend or as a gentleman. PERCIVAL. Miss Tarleton: I'm suffering this for your sake. I ask you just to say that I am not to blame. Just that and nothing more. HYPATIA. _[gloating mischievously over his distress]_ You chased me through the heather and kissed me. You shouldnt have done that if you were not in earnest. PERCIVAL. Oh, this is really the limit. _[Turning desperately to Gunner]_ Sir: I appeal to you. As a gentleman! as a man of honor! as a man bound to stand by another man! You were in that Turkish bath. You saw how it began. Could any man have behaved more correctly than I did? Is there a shadow of foundation for the accusations brought against me? GUNNER. _[sorely perplexed]_ Well, what do you want me to say? JOHNNY. He has said what he had to say already, hasnt he? Read that paper. GUNNER. When I tell the truth, you make me go back on it. And now you want me to go back on myself! What is a man to do? PERCIVAL. _[patiently]_ Please try to get your mind clear, Mr Brown. I pointed out to you that you could not, as a gentleman, disparage a lady's character. You agree with me, I hope. GUNNER. Yes: that sounds all right. PERCIVAL. But youre also bound to tell the truth. Surely youll not deny that. GUNNER. Who's denying it? I say nothing against it. PERCIVAL. Of course not. Well, I ask you to tell the truth simply and unaffectedly. Did you witness any improper conduct on my part when you were in the bath? GUNNER. No, sir. JOHNNY. | Then what do you mean by saying that-- | HYPATIA. | Do you mean to say that I-- | BENTLEY. | Oh, you are a rotter. Youre afraid-- TARLETON. _[rising]_ Stop. _[Silence]._ Leave it at that. Enough said. You keep quiet, Johnny. Mr Percival: youre whitewashed. So are you, Patsy. Honors are easy. Lets drop the subject. The next thing to do is to open a subscription to start this young man on a ranch in some far country thats accustomed to be in a disturbed state. He-- MRS TARLETON. Now stop joking the poor lad, John: I wont have it. Has been worried to death between you all. _[To Gunner]_ Have you had your tea? GUNNER. Tea? No: it's too early. I'm all right; only I had no dinner: I didnt think I'd want it. I didnt think I'd be alive. MRS TARLETON. Oh, what a thing to say! You mustnt talk like that. JOHNNY. Hes out of his mind. He thinks it's past dinner-time. MRS TARLETON. Oh, youve no sense, Johnny. He calls his lunch his dinner, and has his tea at half-past six. Havnt you, dear? GUNNER. _[timidly]_ Hasnt everybody? JOHNNY. _[laughing]_ Well, by George, thats not bad. MRS TARLETON. Now dont be rude, Johnny: you know I dont like it. _[To Gunner]_ A cup of tea will pick you up. GUNNER. I'd rather not. I'm all right. TARLETON. _[going to the sideboard]_ Here! try a mouthful of sloe gin. GUNNER. No, thanks. I'm a teetotaler. I cant touch alcohol in any form. TARLETON. Nonsense! This isnt alcohol. Sloe gin. Vegetarian, you know. GUNNER. _[hesitating]_ Is it a fruit beverage? TARLETON. Of course it is. Fruit beverage. Here you are. _[He gives him a glass of sloe gin]._ GUNNER. _[going to the sideboard]_ Thanks. _[he begins to drink it confidently; but the first mouthful startles and almost chokes him]._ It's rather hot. TARLETON. Do you good. Dont be afraid of it. MRS TARLETON. _[going to him]_ Sip it, dear. Dont be in a hurry. _Gunner sips slowly, each sip making his eyes water._ JOHNNY. _[coming forward into the place left vacant by Gunner's visit to the sideboard]_ Well, now that the gentleman has been attended to, I should like to know where we are. It may be a vulgar business habit; but I confess I like to know where I am. TARLETON. I dont. Wherever you are, youre there anyhow. I tell you again, leave it at that. BENTLEY. I want to know too. Hypatia's engaged to me. HYPATIA. Bentley: if you insult me again--if you say another word, I'll leave the house and not enter it until you leave it. JOHNNY. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, my boy. BENTLEY. _[inarticulate with fury and suppressed tears]_ Oh! Beasts! Brutes! MRS TARLETON. Now dont hurt his feelings, poor little lamb! LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[very sternly]_ Bentley: you are not behaving well. You had better leave us until you have recovered yourself. _Bentley goes out in disgrace, but gets no further than half way to the pavilion door, when, with a wild sob, he throws himself on the floor and begins to yell._ MRS TARLETON. | _[running to him]_ Oh, poor child, | poor child! Dont cry, duckie: | he didnt mean it: dont cry. | LORD SUMMERHAYS| Stop that infernal noise, sir: do you | hear? Stop it instantly. | JOHNNY. | Thats the game he tried on me. | There you are! Now, mother! | Now, Patsy! You see for yourselves. | HYPATIA. | _[covering her ears]_ Oh you little | wretch! Stop him, Mr Percival. Kick him. | TARLETON. | Steady on, steady on. Easy, Bunny, easy. LINA. Leave him to me, Mrs Tarleton. Stand clear, please. _She kneels opposite Bentley; quickly lifts the upper half of him from the ground; dives under him; rises with his body hanging across her shoulders; and runs out with him._ BENTLEY. _[in scared, sobered, humble tones as he is borne off]_ What are you doing? Let me down. Please, Miss Szczepanowska-- _[they pass out of hearing]._ _An awestruck silence falls on the company as they speculate on Bentley's fate._ JOHNNY. I wonder what shes going to do with him. HYPATIA. Spank him, I hope. Spank him hard. LORD SUMMERHAYS. I hope so. I hope so. Tarleton: I'm beyond measure humiliated and annoyed by my son's behavior in your house. I had better take him home. TARLETON. Not at all: not at all. Now, Chickabiddy: as Miss Lina has taken away Ben, suppose you take away Mr Brown for a while. GUNNER. _[with unexpected aggressiveness]_ My name isnt Brown. _[They stare at him: he meets their stare defiantly, pugnacious with sloe gin; drains the last drop from his glass; throws it on the sideboard; and advances to the writing table]._ My name's Baker: Julius Baker. Mister Baker. If any man doubts it, I'm ready for him. MRS TARLETON. John: you shouldnt have given him that sloe gin. It's gone to his head. GUNNER. Dont you think it. Fruit beverages dont go to the head; and what matter if they did? I say nothing to you, maam: I regard you with respect and affection. _[Lachrymosely]_ You were very good to my mother: my poor mother! _[Relapsing into his daring mood]_ But I say my name's Baker; and I'm not to be treated as a child or made a slave of by any man. Baker is my name. Did you think I was going to give you my real name? Not likely. Not me. TARLETON. So you thought of John Brown. That was clever of you. GUNNER. Clever! Yes: we're not all such fools as you think: we clerks. It was the bookkeeper put me up to that. It's the only name that nobody gives as a false name, he said. Clever, eh? I should think so. MRS TARLETON. Come now, Julius-- GUNNER. _[reassuring her gravely]_ Dont you be alarmed, maam. I know what is due to you as a lady and to myself as a gentleman. I regard you with respect and affection. If you had been my mother, as you ought to have been, I should have had more chance. But you shall have no cause to be ashamed of me. The strength of a chain is no greater than its weakest link; but the greatness of a poet is the greatness of his greatest moment. Shakespear used to get drunk. Frederick the Great ran away from a battle. But it was what they could rise to, not what they could sink to, that made them great. They werent good always; but they were good on their day. Well, on my day--on my day, mind you--I'm good for something too. I know that Ive made a silly exhibition of myself here. I know I didnt rise to the occasion. I know that if youd been my mother, youd have been ashamed of me. I lost my presence of mind: I was a contemptible coward. But _[slapping himself on the chest]_ I'm not the man I was then. This is my day. Ive seen the tenth possessor of a foolish face carried out kicking and screaming by a woman. _[To Percival]_ You crowed pretty big over me. You hypnotized me. But when you were put through the fire yourself, you were found wanting. I tell you straight I dont give a damn for you. MRS TARLETON. No: thats naughty. You shouldnt say that before me. GUNNER. I would cut my tongue out sooner than say anything vulgar in your presence; for I regard you with respect and affection. I was not swearing. I was affirming my manhood. MRS TARLETON. What an idea! What puts all these things into your head? GUNNER. Oh, dont you think, because I'm a clerk, that I'm not one of the intellectuals. I'm a reading man, a thinking man. I read in a book--a high class six shilling book--this precept: Affirm your manhood. It appealed to me. Ive always remembered it. I believe in it. I feel I must do it to recover your respect after my cowardly behavior. Therefore I affirm it in your presence. I tell that man who insulted me that I dont give a damn for him. And neither I do. TARLETON. I say, Summerhays: did you have chaps of this sort in Jinghiskahn? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh yes: they exist everywhere: they are a most serious modern problem. GUNNER. Yes. Youre right. _[Conceitedly]_ I'm a problem. And I tell you that when we clerks realize that we're problems! well, look out: thats all. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[suavely, to Gunner]_ You read a great deal, you say? GUNNER. Ive read more than any man in this room, if the truth were known, I expect. Thats whats going to smash up your Capitalism. The problems are beginning to read. Ha! We're free to do that here in England. What would you do with me in Jinghiskahn if you had me there? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Well, since you ask me so directly, I'll tell you. I should take advantage of the fact that you have neither sense enough nor strength enough to know how to behave yourself in a difficulty of any sort. I should warn an intelligent and ambitious policeman that you are a troublesome person. The intelligent and ambitious policeman would take an early opportunity of upsetting your temper by ordering you to move on, and treading on your heels until you were provoked into obstructing an officer in the discharge of his duty. Any trifle of that sort would be sufficient to make a man like you lose your self-possession and put yourself in the wrong. You would then be charged and imprisoned until things quieted down. GUNNER. And you call that justice! LORD SUMMERHAYS. No. Justice was not my business. I had to govern a province; and I took the necessary steps to maintain order in it. Men are not governed by justice, but by law or persuasion. When they refuse to be governed by law or persuasion, they have to be governed by force or fraud, or both. I used both when law and persuasion failed me. Every ruler of men since the world began has done so, even when he has hated both fraud and force as heartily as I do. It is as well that you should know this, my young friend; so that you may recognize in time that anarchism is a game at which the police can beat you. What have you to say to that? GUNNER. What have I to say to it! Well, I call it scandalous: thats what I have to say to it. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Precisely: thats all anybody has to say to it, except the British public, which pretends not to believe it. And now let me ask you a sympathetic personal question. Havnt you a headache? GUNNER. Well, since you ask me, I have. Ive overexcited myself. MRS TARLETON. Poor lad! No wonder, after all youve gone through! You want to eat a little and to lie down. You come with me. I want you to tell me about your poor dear mother and about yourself. Come along with me. _[She leads the way to the inner door]._ GUNNER. _[following her obediently]_ Thank you kindly, madam. _[She goes out. Before passing out after her, he partly closes the door and stops an the landing for a moment to say]_ Mind: I'm not knuckling down to any man here. I knuckle down to Mrs Tarleton because shes a woman in a thousand. I affirm my manhood all the same. Understand: I dont give a damn for the lot of you. _[He hurries out, rather afraid of the consequences of this defiance, which has provoked Johnny to an impatient movement towards him]._ HYPATIA. Thank goodness hes gone! Oh, what a bore! WHAT a bore!!! Talk, talk, talk! TARLETON. Patsy: it's no good. We're going to talk. And we're going to talk about you. JOHNNY. It's no use shirking it, Pat. We'd better know where we are. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Come, Miss Tarleton. Wont you sit down? I'm very tired of standing. _[Hypatia comes from the pavilion and takes a chair at the worktable. Lord Summerhays takes the opposite chair, on her right. Percival takes the chair Johnny placed for Lina on her arrival. Tarleton sits down at the end of the writing table. Johnny remains standing. Lord Summerhays continues, with a sigh of relief at being seated.]_ We shall now get the change of subject we are all pining for. JOHNNY. _[puzzled]_ Whats that? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The great question. The question that men and women will spend hours over without complaining. The question that occupies all the novel readers and all the playgoers. The question they never get tired of. JOHNNY. But what question? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question which particular young man some young woman will mate with. PERCIVAL. As if it mattered! HYPATIA. _[sharply]_ Whats that you said? PERCIVAL. I said: As if it mattered. HYPATIA. I call that ungentlemanly. PERCIVAL. Do you care about that? you who are so magnificently unladylike! JOHNNY. Look here, Mr Percival: youre not supposed to insult my sister. HYPATIA. Oh, shut up, Johnny. I can take care of myself. Dont you interfere. JOHNNY. Oh, very well. If you choose to give yourself away like that--to allow a man to call you unladylike and then to be unladylike, Ive nothing more to say. HYPATIA. I think Mr Percival is most ungentlemanly; but I wont be protected. I'll not have my affairs interfered with by men on pretence of protecting me. I'm not your baby. If I interfered between you and a woman, you would soon tell me to mind my own business. TARLETON. Children: dont squabble. Read Dr Watts. Behave yourselves. JOHNNY. Ive nothing more to say; and as I dont seem to be wanted here, I shall take myself off. _[He goes out with affected calm through the pavilion]._ TARLETON. Summerhays: a family is an awful thing, an impossible thing. Cat and dog. Patsy: I'm ashamed of you. HYPATIA. I'll make it up with Johnny afterwards; but I really cant have him here sticking his clumsy hoof into my affairs. LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question is, Mr Percival, are you really a gentleman, or are you not? PERCIVAL. Was Napoleon really a gentleman or was he not? He made the lady get out of the way of the porter and said, "Respect the burden, madam." That was behaving like a very fine gentleman; but he kicked Volney for saying that what France wanted was the Bourbons back again. That was behaving rather like a navvy. Now I, like Napoleon, am not all one piece. On occasion, as you have all seen, I can behave like a gentleman. On occasion, I can behave with a brutal simplicity which Miss Tarleton herself could hardly surpass. TARLETON. Gentleman or no gentleman, Patsy: what are your intentions? HYPATIA. My intentions! Surely it's the gentleman who should be asked his intentions. TARLETON. Come now, Patsy! none of that nonsense. Has Mr Percival said anything to you that I ought to know or that Bentley ought to know? Have you said anything to Mr Percival? HYPATIA. Mr Percival chased me through the heather and kissed me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. As a gentleman, Mr Percival, what do you say to that? PERCIVAL. As a gentleman, I do not kiss and tell. As a mere man: a mere cad, if you like, I say that I did so at Miss Tarleton's own suggestion. HYPATIA. Beast! PERCIVAL. I dont deny that I enjoyed it. But I did not initiate it. And I began by running away. TARLETON. So Patsy can run faster than you, can she? PERCIVAL. Yes, when she is in pursuit of me. She runs faster and faster. I run slower and slower. And these woods of yours are full of magic. There was a confounded fern owl. Did you ever hear the churr of a fern owl? Did you ever hear it create a sudden silence by ceasing? Did you ever hear it call its mate by striking its wings together twice and whistling that single note that no nightingale can imitate? That is what happened in the woods when I was running away. So I turned; and the pursuer became the pursued. HYPATIA. I had to fight like a wild cat. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Please dont tell us this. It's not fit for old people to hear. TARLETON. Come: how did it end? HYPATIA. It's not ended yet. TARLETON. How is it going to end? HYPATIA. Ask him. TARLETON. How is it going to end, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. I cant afford to marry, Mr Tarleton. Ive only a thousand a year until my father dies. Two people cant possibly live on that. TARLETON. Oh, cant they? When _I_ married, I should have been jolly glad to have felt sure of the quarter of it. PERCIVAL. No doubt; but I am not a cheap person, Mr Tarleton. I was brought up in a household which cost at least seven or eight times that; and I am in constant money difficulties because I simply dont know how to live on the thousand a year scale. As to ask a woman to share my degrading poverty, it's out of the question. Besides, I'm rather young to marry. I'm only 28. HYPATIA. Papa: buy the brute for me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[shrinking]_ My dear Miss Tarleton: dont be so naughty. I know how delightful it is to shock an old man; but there is a point at which it becomes barbarous. Dont. Please dont. HYPATIA. Shall I tell Papa about you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Tarleton: I had better tell you that I once asked your daughter to become my widow. TARLETON. _[to Hypatia]_ Why didnt you accept him, you young idiot? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I was too old. TARLETON. All this has been going on under my nose, I suppose. You run after young men; and old men run after you. And I'm the last person in the world to hear of it. HYPATIA. How could I tell you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Parents and children, Tarleton. TARLETON. Oh, the gulf that lies between them! the impassable, eternal gulf! And so I'm to buy the brute for you, eh? HYPATIA. If you please, papa. TARLETON. Whats the price, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. We might do with another fifteen hundred if my father would contribute. But I should like more. TARLETON. It's purely a question of money with you, is it? PERCIVAL. _[after a moment's consideration]_ Practically yes: it turns on that. TARLETON. I thought you might have some sort of preference for Patsy, you know. PERCIVAL. Well, but does that matter, do you think? Patsy fascinates me, no doubt. I apparently fascinate Patsy. But, believe me, all that is not worth considering. One of my three fathers (the priest) has married hundreds of couples: couples selected by one another, couples selected by the parents, couples forced to marry one another by circumstances of one kind or another; and he assures me that if marriages were made by putting all the men's names into one sack and the women's names into another, and having them taken out by a blindfolded child like lottery numbers, there would be just as high a percentage of happy marriages as we have here in England. He said Cupid was nothing but the blindfolded child: pretty idea that, I think! I shall have as good a chance with Patsy as with anyone else. Mind: I'm not bigoted about it. I'm not a doctrinaire: not the slave of a theory. You and Lord Summerhays are experienced married men. If you can tell me of any trustworthy method of selecting a wife, I shall be happy to make use of it. I await your suggestions. _[He looks with polite attention to Lord Summerhays, who, having nothing to say, avoids his eye. He looks to Tarleton, who purses his lips glumly and rattles his money in his pockets without a word]._ Apparently neither of you has anything to suggest. Then Patsy will do as well as another, provided the money is forthcoming. HYPATIA. Oh, you beauty, you beauty! TARLETON. When I married Patsy's mother, I was in love with her. PERCIVAL. For the first time? TARLETON. Yes: for the first time. PERCIVAL. For the last time? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[revolted]_ Sir: you are in the presence of his daughter. HYPATIA. Oh, dont mind me. I dont care. I'm accustomed to Papa's adventures. TARLETON. _[blushing painfully]_ Patsy, my child: that was not--not delicate. HYPATIA. Well, papa, youve never shewn any delicacy in talking to me about my conduct; and I really dont see why I shouldnt talk to you about yours. It's such nonsense! Do you think young people dont know? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I'm sure they dont feel. Tarleton: this is too horrible, too brutal. If neither of these young people have any--any--any-- PERCIVAL. Shall we say paternal sentimentality? I'm extremely sorry to shock you; but you must remember that Ive been educated to discuss human affairs with three fathers simultaneously. I'm an adult person. Patsy is an adult person. You do not inspire me with veneration. Apparently you do not inspire Patsy with veneration. That may surprise you. It may pain you. I'm sorry. It cant be helped. What about the money? TARLETON. You dont inspire me with generosity, young man. HYPATIA. _[laughing with genuine amusement]_ He had you there, Joey. TARLETON. I havnt been a bad father to you, Patsy. HYPATIA. I dont say you have, dear. If only I could persuade you Ive grown up, we should get along perfectly. TARLETON. Do you remember Bill Burt? HYPATIA. Why? TARLETON. _[to the others]_ Bill Burt was a laborer here. I was going to sack him for kicking his father. He said his father had kicked him until he was big enough to kick back. Patsy begged him off. I asked that man what it felt like the first time he kicked his father, and found that it was just like kicking any other man. He laughed and said that it was the old man that knew what it felt like. Think of that, Summerhays! think of that! HYPATIA. I havnt kicked you, papa. TARLETON. Youve kicked me harder than Bill Burt ever kicked. LORD SUMMERHAYS. It's no use, Tarleton. Spare yourself. Do you seriously expect these young people, at their age, to sympathize with what this gentleman calls your paternal sentimentality? TARLETON. _[wistfully]_ Is it nothing to you but paternal sentimentality, Patsy? HYPATIA. Well, I greatly prefer your superabundant vitality, papa. TARLETON. _[violently]_ Hold your tongue, you young devil. The young are all alike: hard, coarse, shallow, cruel, selfish, dirty-minded. You can clear out of my house as soon as you can coax him to take you; and the sooner the better. _[To Percival]_ I think you said your price was fifteen hundred a year. Take it. And I wish you joy of your bargain. PERCIVAL. If you wish to know who I am-- TARLETON. I dont care a tinker's curse who you are or what you are. Youre willing to take that girl off my hands for fifteen hundred a year: thats all that concerns me. Tell her who you are if you like: it's her affair,

regard

How many times the word 'regard' appears in the text?

Do you consider that sufficient, Lord Summerhays? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh quite, quite. PERCIVAL. _[to Hypatia]_ Lord Summerhays would probably like to hear you say that you are satisfied, Miss Tarleton. HYPATIA. _[coming out of the swing, and advancing between Percival and Lord Summerhays]_ I must say that you have behaved like a perfect gentleman, Mr. Percival. PERCIVAL. _[first bowing to Hypatia, and then turning with cold contempt to Gunner, who is standing helpless]_ We need not trouble you any further. _[Gunner turns vaguely towards the pavilion]._ JOHNNY _[with less refined offensiveness, pointing to the pavilion]_ Thats your way. The gardener will shew you the shortest way into the road. Go the shortest way. GUNNER. _[oppressed and disconcerted, hardly knows how to get out of the room]_ Yes, sir. I-- _[He turns again, appealing to Tarleton]_ Maynt I have my mother's photographs back again? _[Mrs Tarleton pricks up her ears]._ TARLETON. Eh? What? Oh, the photographs! Yes, yes, yes: take them. _[Gunner takes them from the table, and is creeping away, when Mrs Tarleton puts out her hand and stops him]._ MRS TARLETON. Whats this, John? What were you doing with his mother's photographs? TARLETON. Nothing, nothing. Never mind, Chickabiddy: it's all right. MRS TARLETON. _[snatching the photographs from Gunner's irresolute fingers, and recognizing them at a glance]_ Lucy Titmus! Oh John, John! TARLETON. _[grimly, to Gunner]_ Young man: youre a fool; but youve just put the lid on this job in a masterly manner. I knew you would. I told you all to let well alone. You wouldnt; and now you must take the consequences--or rather _I_ must take them. MRS TARLETON. _[to Gunner]_ Are you Lucy's son? GUNNER. Yes. MRS TARLETON. And why didnt you come to me? I didnt turn my back on your mother when she came to me in her trouble. Didnt you know that? GUNNER. No. She never talked to me about anything. TARLETON. How could she talk to her own son? Shy, Summerhays, shy. Parent and child. Shy. _[He sits down at the end of the writing table nearest the sideboard like a man resigned to anything that fate may have in store for him]._ MRS TARLETON. Then how did you find out? GUNNER. From her papers after she died. MRS TARLETON. _[shocked]_ Is Lucy dead? And I never knew! _[With an effusion of tenderness]_ And you here being treated like that, poor orphan, with nobody to take your part! Tear up that foolish paper, child; and sit down and make friends with me. JOHNNY. | Hallo, mother this is all very well, you know-- | PERCIVAL. | But may I point out, Mrs Tarleton, that-- | BENTLEY. | Do you mean that after what he said of-- | HYPATIA. | Oh, look here, mamma: this is really-- MRS TARLETON. Will you please speak one at a time? _Silence._ PERCIVAL _[in a very gentlemanly manner]_ Will you allow me to remind you, Mrs Tarleton, that this man has uttered a most serious and disgraceful falsehood concerning Miss Tarleton and myself? MRS TARLETON. I dont believe a word of it. If the poor lad was there in the Turkish bath, who has a better right to say what was going on here than he has? You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Patsy; and so ought you too, Mr Percival, for encouraging her. _[Hypatia retreats to the pavilion, and exchanges grimaces with Johnny, shamelessly enjoying Percival's sudden reverse. They know their mother]._ PERCIVAL. _[gasping]_ Mrs Tarleton: I give you my word of honor-- MRS TARLETON. Oh, go along with you and your word of honor. Do you think I'm a fool? I wonder you can look the lad in the face after bullying him and making him sign those wicked lies; and all the time you carrying on with my daughter before youd been half an hour in my house. Fie, for shame! PERCIVAL. Lord Summerhays: I appeal to you. Have I done the correct thing or not? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Youve done your best, Mr Percival. But the correct thing depends for its success on everybody playing the game very strictly. As a single-handed game, it's impossible. BENTLEY. _[suddenly breaking out lamentably]_ Joey: have you taken Hypatia away from me? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[severely]_ Bentley! Bentley! Control yourself, sir. TARLETON. Come, Mr Percival! the shutters are up on the gentlemanly business. Try the truth. PERCIVAL. I am in a wretched position. If I tell the truth nobody will believe me. TARLETON. Oh yes they will. The truth makes everybody believe it. PERCIVAL. It also makes everybody pretend not to believe it. Mrs Tarleton: youre not playing the game. MRS TARLETON. I dont think youve behaved at all nicely, Mr Percival. BENTLEY. I wouldnt have played you such a dirty trick, Joey. _[Struggling with a sob]_ You beast. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Bentley: you must control yourself. Let me say at the same time, Mr Percival, that my son seems to have been mistaken in regarding you either as his friend or as a gentleman. PERCIVAL. Miss Tarleton: I'm suffering this for your sake. I ask you just to say that I am not to blame. Just that and nothing more. HYPATIA. _[gloating mischievously over his distress]_ You chased me through the heather and kissed me. You shouldnt have done that if you were not in earnest. PERCIVAL. Oh, this is really the limit. _[Turning desperately to Gunner]_ Sir: I appeal to you. As a gentleman! as a man of honor! as a man bound to stand by another man! You were in that Turkish bath. You saw how it began. Could any man have behaved more correctly than I did? Is there a shadow of foundation for the accusations brought against me? GUNNER. _[sorely perplexed]_ Well, what do you want me to say? JOHNNY. He has said what he had to say already, hasnt he? Read that paper. GUNNER. When I tell the truth, you make me go back on it. And now you want me to go back on myself! What is a man to do? PERCIVAL. _[patiently]_ Please try to get your mind clear, Mr Brown. I pointed out to you that you could not, as a gentleman, disparage a lady's character. You agree with me, I hope. GUNNER. Yes: that sounds all right. PERCIVAL. But youre also bound to tell the truth. Surely youll not deny that. GUNNER. Who's denying it? I say nothing against it. PERCIVAL. Of course not. Well, I ask you to tell the truth simply and unaffectedly. Did you witness any improper conduct on my part when you were in the bath? GUNNER. No, sir. JOHNNY. | Then what do you mean by saying that-- | HYPATIA. | Do you mean to say that I-- | BENTLEY. | Oh, you are a rotter. Youre afraid-- TARLETON. _[rising]_ Stop. _[Silence]._ Leave it at that. Enough said. You keep quiet, Johnny. Mr Percival: youre whitewashed. So are you, Patsy. Honors are easy. Lets drop the subject. The next thing to do is to open a subscription to start this young man on a ranch in some far country thats accustomed to be in a disturbed state. He-- MRS TARLETON. Now stop joking the poor lad, John: I wont have it. Has been worried to death between you all. _[To Gunner]_ Have you had your tea? GUNNER. Tea? No: it's too early. I'm all right; only I had no dinner: I didnt think I'd want it. I didnt think I'd be alive. MRS TARLETON. Oh, what a thing to say! You mustnt talk like that. JOHNNY. Hes out of his mind. He thinks it's past dinner-time. MRS TARLETON. Oh, youve no sense, Johnny. He calls his lunch his dinner, and has his tea at half-past six. Havnt you, dear? GUNNER. _[timidly]_ Hasnt everybody? JOHNNY. _[laughing]_ Well, by George, thats not bad. MRS TARLETON. Now dont be rude, Johnny: you know I dont like it. _[To Gunner]_ A cup of tea will pick you up. GUNNER. I'd rather not. I'm all right. TARLETON. _[going to the sideboard]_ Here! try a mouthful of sloe gin. GUNNER. No, thanks. I'm a teetotaler. I cant touch alcohol in any form. TARLETON. Nonsense! This isnt alcohol. Sloe gin. Vegetarian, you know. GUNNER. _[hesitating]_ Is it a fruit beverage? TARLETON. Of course it is. Fruit beverage. Here you are. _[He gives him a glass of sloe gin]._ GUNNER. _[going to the sideboard]_ Thanks. _[he begins to drink it confidently; but the first mouthful startles and almost chokes him]._ It's rather hot. TARLETON. Do you good. Dont be afraid of it. MRS TARLETON. _[going to him]_ Sip it, dear. Dont be in a hurry. _Gunner sips slowly, each sip making his eyes water._ JOHNNY. _[coming forward into the place left vacant by Gunner's visit to the sideboard]_ Well, now that the gentleman has been attended to, I should like to know where we are. It may be a vulgar business habit; but I confess I like to know where I am. TARLETON. I dont. Wherever you are, youre there anyhow. I tell you again, leave it at that. BENTLEY. I want to know too. Hypatia's engaged to me. HYPATIA. Bentley: if you insult me again--if you say another word, I'll leave the house and not enter it until you leave it. JOHNNY. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, my boy. BENTLEY. _[inarticulate with fury and suppressed tears]_ Oh! Beasts! Brutes! MRS TARLETON. Now dont hurt his feelings, poor little lamb! LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[very sternly]_ Bentley: you are not behaving well. You had better leave us until you have recovered yourself. _Bentley goes out in disgrace, but gets no further than half way to the pavilion door, when, with a wild sob, he throws himself on the floor and begins to yell._ MRS TARLETON. | _[running to him]_ Oh, poor child, | poor child! Dont cry, duckie: | he didnt mean it: dont cry. | LORD SUMMERHAYS| Stop that infernal noise, sir: do you | hear? Stop it instantly. | JOHNNY. | Thats the game he tried on me. | There you are! Now, mother! | Now, Patsy! You see for yourselves. | HYPATIA. | _[covering her ears]_ Oh you little | wretch! Stop him, Mr Percival. Kick him. | TARLETON. | Steady on, steady on. Easy, Bunny, easy. LINA. Leave him to me, Mrs Tarleton. Stand clear, please. _She kneels opposite Bentley; quickly lifts the upper half of him from the ground; dives under him; rises with his body hanging across her shoulders; and runs out with him._ BENTLEY. _[in scared, sobered, humble tones as he is borne off]_ What are you doing? Let me down. Please, Miss Szczepanowska-- _[they pass out of hearing]._ _An awestruck silence falls on the company as they speculate on Bentley's fate._ JOHNNY. I wonder what shes going to do with him. HYPATIA. Spank him, I hope. Spank him hard. LORD SUMMERHAYS. I hope so. I hope so. Tarleton: I'm beyond measure humiliated and annoyed by my son's behavior in your house. I had better take him home. TARLETON. Not at all: not at all. Now, Chickabiddy: as Miss Lina has taken away Ben, suppose you take away Mr Brown for a while. GUNNER. _[with unexpected aggressiveness]_ My name isnt Brown. _[They stare at him: he meets their stare defiantly, pugnacious with sloe gin; drains the last drop from his glass; throws it on the sideboard; and advances to the writing table]._ My name's Baker: Julius Baker. Mister Baker. If any man doubts it, I'm ready for him. MRS TARLETON. John: you shouldnt have given him that sloe gin. It's gone to his head. GUNNER. Dont you think it. Fruit beverages dont go to the head; and what matter if they did? I say nothing to you, maam: I regard you with respect and affection. _[Lachrymosely]_ You were very good to my mother: my poor mother! _[Relapsing into his daring mood]_ But I say my name's Baker; and I'm not to be treated as a child or made a slave of by any man. Baker is my name. Did you think I was going to give you my real name? Not likely. Not me. TARLETON. So you thought of John Brown. That was clever of you. GUNNER. Clever! Yes: we're not all such fools as you think: we clerks. It was the bookkeeper put me up to that. It's the only name that nobody gives as a false name, he said. Clever, eh? I should think so. MRS TARLETON. Come now, Julius-- GUNNER. _[reassuring her gravely]_ Dont you be alarmed, maam. I know what is due to you as a lady and to myself as a gentleman. I regard you with respect and affection. If you had been my mother, as you ought to have been, I should have had more chance. But you shall have no cause to be ashamed of me. The strength of a chain is no greater than its weakest link; but the greatness of a poet is the greatness of his greatest moment. Shakespear used to get drunk. Frederick the Great ran away from a battle. But it was what they could rise to, not what they could sink to, that made them great. They werent good always; but they were good on their day. Well, on my day--on my day, mind you--I'm good for something too. I know that Ive made a silly exhibition of myself here. I know I didnt rise to the occasion. I know that if youd been my mother, youd have been ashamed of me. I lost my presence of mind: I was a contemptible coward. But _[slapping himself on the chest]_ I'm not the man I was then. This is my day. Ive seen the tenth possessor of a foolish face carried out kicking and screaming by a woman. _[To Percival]_ You crowed pretty big over me. You hypnotized me. But when you were put through the fire yourself, you were found wanting. I tell you straight I dont give a damn for you. MRS TARLETON. No: thats naughty. You shouldnt say that before me. GUNNER. I would cut my tongue out sooner than say anything vulgar in your presence; for I regard you with respect and affection. I was not swearing. I was affirming my manhood. MRS TARLETON. What an idea! What puts all these things into your head? GUNNER. Oh, dont you think, because I'm a clerk, that I'm not one of the intellectuals. I'm a reading man, a thinking man. I read in a book--a high class six shilling book--this precept: Affirm your manhood. It appealed to me. Ive always remembered it. I believe in it. I feel I must do it to recover your respect after my cowardly behavior. Therefore I affirm it in your presence. I tell that man who insulted me that I dont give a damn for him. And neither I do. TARLETON. I say, Summerhays: did you have chaps of this sort in Jinghiskahn? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh yes: they exist everywhere: they are a most serious modern problem. GUNNER. Yes. Youre right. _[Conceitedly]_ I'm a problem. And I tell you that when we clerks realize that we're problems! well, look out: thats all. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[suavely, to Gunner]_ You read a great deal, you say? GUNNER. Ive read more than any man in this room, if the truth were known, I expect. Thats whats going to smash up your Capitalism. The problems are beginning to read. Ha! We're free to do that here in England. What would you do with me in Jinghiskahn if you had me there? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Well, since you ask me so directly, I'll tell you. I should take advantage of the fact that you have neither sense enough nor strength enough to know how to behave yourself in a difficulty of any sort. I should warn an intelligent and ambitious policeman that you are a troublesome person. The intelligent and ambitious policeman would take an early opportunity of upsetting your temper by ordering you to move on, and treading on your heels until you were provoked into obstructing an officer in the discharge of his duty. Any trifle of that sort would be sufficient to make a man like you lose your self-possession and put yourself in the wrong. You would then be charged and imprisoned until things quieted down. GUNNER. And you call that justice! LORD SUMMERHAYS. No. Justice was not my business. I had to govern a province; and I took the necessary steps to maintain order in it. Men are not governed by justice, but by law or persuasion. When they refuse to be governed by law or persuasion, they have to be governed by force or fraud, or both. I used both when law and persuasion failed me. Every ruler of men since the world began has done so, even when he has hated both fraud and force as heartily as I do. It is as well that you should know this, my young friend; so that you may recognize in time that anarchism is a game at which the police can beat you. What have you to say to that? GUNNER. What have I to say to it! Well, I call it scandalous: thats what I have to say to it. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Precisely: thats all anybody has to say to it, except the British public, which pretends not to believe it. And now let me ask you a sympathetic personal question. Havnt you a headache? GUNNER. Well, since you ask me, I have. Ive overexcited myself. MRS TARLETON. Poor lad! No wonder, after all youve gone through! You want to eat a little and to lie down. You come with me. I want you to tell me about your poor dear mother and about yourself. Come along with me. _[She leads the way to the inner door]._ GUNNER. _[following her obediently]_ Thank you kindly, madam. _[She goes out. Before passing out after her, he partly closes the door and stops an the landing for a moment to say]_ Mind: I'm not knuckling down to any man here. I knuckle down to Mrs Tarleton because shes a woman in a thousand. I affirm my manhood all the same. Understand: I dont give a damn for the lot of you. _[He hurries out, rather afraid of the consequences of this defiance, which has provoked Johnny to an impatient movement towards him]._ HYPATIA. Thank goodness hes gone! Oh, what a bore! WHAT a bore!!! Talk, talk, talk! TARLETON. Patsy: it's no good. We're going to talk. And we're going to talk about you. JOHNNY. It's no use shirking it, Pat. We'd better know where we are. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Come, Miss Tarleton. Wont you sit down? I'm very tired of standing. _[Hypatia comes from the pavilion and takes a chair at the worktable. Lord Summerhays takes the opposite chair, on her right. Percival takes the chair Johnny placed for Lina on her arrival. Tarleton sits down at the end of the writing table. Johnny remains standing. Lord Summerhays continues, with a sigh of relief at being seated.]_ We shall now get the change of subject we are all pining for. JOHNNY. _[puzzled]_ Whats that? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The great question. The question that men and women will spend hours over without complaining. The question that occupies all the novel readers and all the playgoers. The question they never get tired of. JOHNNY. But what question? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question which particular young man some young woman will mate with. PERCIVAL. As if it mattered! HYPATIA. _[sharply]_ Whats that you said? PERCIVAL. I said: As if it mattered. HYPATIA. I call that ungentlemanly. PERCIVAL. Do you care about that? you who are so magnificently unladylike! JOHNNY. Look here, Mr Percival: youre not supposed to insult my sister. HYPATIA. Oh, shut up, Johnny. I can take care of myself. Dont you interfere. JOHNNY. Oh, very well. If you choose to give yourself away like that--to allow a man to call you unladylike and then to be unladylike, Ive nothing more to say. HYPATIA. I think Mr Percival is most ungentlemanly; but I wont be protected. I'll not have my affairs interfered with by men on pretence of protecting me. I'm not your baby. If I interfered between you and a woman, you would soon tell me to mind my own business. TARLETON. Children: dont squabble. Read Dr Watts. Behave yourselves. JOHNNY. Ive nothing more to say; and as I dont seem to be wanted here, I shall take myself off. _[He goes out with affected calm through the pavilion]._ TARLETON. Summerhays: a family is an awful thing, an impossible thing. Cat and dog. Patsy: I'm ashamed of you. HYPATIA. I'll make it up with Johnny afterwards; but I really cant have him here sticking his clumsy hoof into my affairs. LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question is, Mr Percival, are you really a gentleman, or are you not? PERCIVAL. Was Napoleon really a gentleman or was he not? He made the lady get out of the way of the porter and said, "Respect the burden, madam." That was behaving like a very fine gentleman; but he kicked Volney for saying that what France wanted was the Bourbons back again. That was behaving rather like a navvy. Now I, like Napoleon, am not all one piece. On occasion, as you have all seen, I can behave like a gentleman. On occasion, I can behave with a brutal simplicity which Miss Tarleton herself could hardly surpass. TARLETON. Gentleman or no gentleman, Patsy: what are your intentions? HYPATIA. My intentions! Surely it's the gentleman who should be asked his intentions. TARLETON. Come now, Patsy! none of that nonsense. Has Mr Percival said anything to you that I ought to know or that Bentley ought to know? Have you said anything to Mr Percival? HYPATIA. Mr Percival chased me through the heather and kissed me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. As a gentleman, Mr Percival, what do you say to that? PERCIVAL. As a gentleman, I do not kiss and tell. As a mere man: a mere cad, if you like, I say that I did so at Miss Tarleton's own suggestion. HYPATIA. Beast! PERCIVAL. I dont deny that I enjoyed it. But I did not initiate it. And I began by running away. TARLETON. So Patsy can run faster than you, can she? PERCIVAL. Yes, when she is in pursuit of me. She runs faster and faster. I run slower and slower. And these woods of yours are full of magic. There was a confounded fern owl. Did you ever hear the churr of a fern owl? Did you ever hear it create a sudden silence by ceasing? Did you ever hear it call its mate by striking its wings together twice and whistling that single note that no nightingale can imitate? That is what happened in the woods when I was running away. So I turned; and the pursuer became the pursued. HYPATIA. I had to fight like a wild cat. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Please dont tell us this. It's not fit for old people to hear. TARLETON. Come: how did it end? HYPATIA. It's not ended yet. TARLETON. How is it going to end? HYPATIA. Ask him. TARLETON. How is it going to end, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. I cant afford to marry, Mr Tarleton. Ive only a thousand a year until my father dies. Two people cant possibly live on that. TARLETON. Oh, cant they? When _I_ married, I should have been jolly glad to have felt sure of the quarter of it. PERCIVAL. No doubt; but I am not a cheap person, Mr Tarleton. I was brought up in a household which cost at least seven or eight times that; and I am in constant money difficulties because I simply dont know how to live on the thousand a year scale. As to ask a woman to share my degrading poverty, it's out of the question. Besides, I'm rather young to marry. I'm only 28. HYPATIA. Papa: buy the brute for me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[shrinking]_ My dear Miss Tarleton: dont be so naughty. I know how delightful it is to shock an old man; but there is a point at which it becomes barbarous. Dont. Please dont. HYPATIA. Shall I tell Papa about you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Tarleton: I had better tell you that I once asked your daughter to become my widow. TARLETON. _[to Hypatia]_ Why didnt you accept him, you young idiot? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I was too old. TARLETON. All this has been going on under my nose, I suppose. You run after young men; and old men run after you. And I'm the last person in the world to hear of it. HYPATIA. How could I tell you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Parents and children, Tarleton. TARLETON. Oh, the gulf that lies between them! the impassable, eternal gulf! And so I'm to buy the brute for you, eh? HYPATIA. If you please, papa. TARLETON. Whats the price, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. We might do with another fifteen hundred if my father would contribute. But I should like more. TARLETON. It's purely a question of money with you, is it? PERCIVAL. _[after a moment's consideration]_ Practically yes: it turns on that. TARLETON. I thought you might have some sort of preference for Patsy, you know. PERCIVAL. Well, but does that matter, do you think? Patsy fascinates me, no doubt. I apparently fascinate Patsy. But, believe me, all that is not worth considering. One of my three fathers (the priest) has married hundreds of couples: couples selected by one another, couples selected by the parents, couples forced to marry one another by circumstances of one kind or another; and he assures me that if marriages were made by putting all the men's names into one sack and the women's names into another, and having them taken out by a blindfolded child like lottery numbers, there would be just as high a percentage of happy marriages as we have here in England. He said Cupid was nothing but the blindfolded child: pretty idea that, I think! I shall have as good a chance with Patsy as with anyone else. Mind: I'm not bigoted about it. I'm not a doctrinaire: not the slave of a theory. You and Lord Summerhays are experienced married men. If you can tell me of any trustworthy method of selecting a wife, I shall be happy to make use of it. I await your suggestions. _[He looks with polite attention to Lord Summerhays, who, having nothing to say, avoids his eye. He looks to Tarleton, who purses his lips glumly and rattles his money in his pockets without a word]._ Apparently neither of you has anything to suggest. Then Patsy will do as well as another, provided the money is forthcoming. HYPATIA. Oh, you beauty, you beauty! TARLETON. When I married Patsy's mother, I was in love with her. PERCIVAL. For the first time? TARLETON. Yes: for the first time. PERCIVAL. For the last time? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[revolted]_ Sir: you are in the presence of his daughter. HYPATIA. Oh, dont mind me. I dont care. I'm accustomed to Papa's adventures. TARLETON. _[blushing painfully]_ Patsy, my child: that was not--not delicate. HYPATIA. Well, papa, youve never shewn any delicacy in talking to me about my conduct; and I really dont see why I shouldnt talk to you about yours. It's such nonsense! Do you think young people dont know? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I'm sure they dont feel. Tarleton: this is too horrible, too brutal. If neither of these young people have any--any--any-- PERCIVAL. Shall we say paternal sentimentality? I'm extremely sorry to shock you; but you must remember that Ive been educated to discuss human affairs with three fathers simultaneously. I'm an adult person. Patsy is an adult person. You do not inspire me with veneration. Apparently you do not inspire Patsy with veneration. That may surprise you. It may pain you. I'm sorry. It cant be helped. What about the money? TARLETON. You dont inspire me with generosity, young man. HYPATIA. _[laughing with genuine amusement]_ He had you there, Joey. TARLETON. I havnt been a bad father to you, Patsy. HYPATIA. I dont say you have, dear. If only I could persuade you Ive grown up, we should get along perfectly. TARLETON. Do you remember Bill Burt? HYPATIA. Why? TARLETON. _[to the others]_ Bill Burt was a laborer here. I was going to sack him for kicking his father. He said his father had kicked him until he was big enough to kick back. Patsy begged him off. I asked that man what it felt like the first time he kicked his father, and found that it was just like kicking any other man. He laughed and said that it was the old man that knew what it felt like. Think of that, Summerhays! think of that! HYPATIA. I havnt kicked you, papa. TARLETON. Youve kicked me harder than Bill Burt ever kicked. LORD SUMMERHAYS. It's no use, Tarleton. Spare yourself. Do you seriously expect these young people, at their age, to sympathize with what this gentleman calls your paternal sentimentality? TARLETON. _[wistfully]_ Is it nothing to you but paternal sentimentality, Patsy? HYPATIA. Well, I greatly prefer your superabundant vitality, papa. TARLETON. _[violently]_ Hold your tongue, you young devil. The young are all alike: hard, coarse, shallow, cruel, selfish, dirty-minded. You can clear out of my house as soon as you can coax him to take you; and the sooner the better. _[To Percival]_ I think you said your price was fifteen hundred a year. Take it. And I wish you joy of your bargain. PERCIVAL. If you wish to know who I am-- TARLETON. I dont care a tinker's curse who you are or what you are. Youre willing to take that girl off my hands for fifteen hundred a year: thats all that concerns me. Tell her who you are if you like: it's her affair,

quiet

How many times the word 'quiet' appears in the text?

Do you consider that sufficient, Lord Summerhays? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh quite, quite. PERCIVAL. _[to Hypatia]_ Lord Summerhays would probably like to hear you say that you are satisfied, Miss Tarleton. HYPATIA. _[coming out of the swing, and advancing between Percival and Lord Summerhays]_ I must say that you have behaved like a perfect gentleman, Mr. Percival. PERCIVAL. _[first bowing to Hypatia, and then turning with cold contempt to Gunner, who is standing helpless]_ We need not trouble you any further. _[Gunner turns vaguely towards the pavilion]._ JOHNNY _[with less refined offensiveness, pointing to the pavilion]_ Thats your way. The gardener will shew you the shortest way into the road. Go the shortest way. GUNNER. _[oppressed and disconcerted, hardly knows how to get out of the room]_ Yes, sir. I-- _[He turns again, appealing to Tarleton]_ Maynt I have my mother's photographs back again? _[Mrs Tarleton pricks up her ears]._ TARLETON. Eh? What? Oh, the photographs! Yes, yes, yes: take them. _[Gunner takes them from the table, and is creeping away, when Mrs Tarleton puts out her hand and stops him]._ MRS TARLETON. Whats this, John? What were you doing with his mother's photographs? TARLETON. Nothing, nothing. Never mind, Chickabiddy: it's all right. MRS TARLETON. _[snatching the photographs from Gunner's irresolute fingers, and recognizing them at a glance]_ Lucy Titmus! Oh John, John! TARLETON. _[grimly, to Gunner]_ Young man: youre a fool; but youve just put the lid on this job in a masterly manner. I knew you would. I told you all to let well alone. You wouldnt; and now you must take the consequences--or rather _I_ must take them. MRS TARLETON. _[to Gunner]_ Are you Lucy's son? GUNNER. Yes. MRS TARLETON. And why didnt you come to me? I didnt turn my back on your mother when she came to me in her trouble. Didnt you know that? GUNNER. No. She never talked to me about anything. TARLETON. How could she talk to her own son? Shy, Summerhays, shy. Parent and child. Shy. _[He sits down at the end of the writing table nearest the sideboard like a man resigned to anything that fate may have in store for him]._ MRS TARLETON. Then how did you find out? GUNNER. From her papers after she died. MRS TARLETON. _[shocked]_ Is Lucy dead? And I never knew! _[With an effusion of tenderness]_ And you here being treated like that, poor orphan, with nobody to take your part! Tear up that foolish paper, child; and sit down and make friends with me. JOHNNY. | Hallo, mother this is all very well, you know-- | PERCIVAL. | But may I point out, Mrs Tarleton, that-- | BENTLEY. | Do you mean that after what he said of-- | HYPATIA. | Oh, look here, mamma: this is really-- MRS TARLETON. Will you please speak one at a time? _Silence._ PERCIVAL _[in a very gentlemanly manner]_ Will you allow me to remind you, Mrs Tarleton, that this man has uttered a most serious and disgraceful falsehood concerning Miss Tarleton and myself? MRS TARLETON. I dont believe a word of it. If the poor lad was there in the Turkish bath, who has a better right to say what was going on here than he has? You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Patsy; and so ought you too, Mr Percival, for encouraging her. _[Hypatia retreats to the pavilion, and exchanges grimaces with Johnny, shamelessly enjoying Percival's sudden reverse. They know their mother]._ PERCIVAL. _[gasping]_ Mrs Tarleton: I give you my word of honor-- MRS TARLETON. Oh, go along with you and your word of honor. Do you think I'm a fool? I wonder you can look the lad in the face after bullying him and making him sign those wicked lies; and all the time you carrying on with my daughter before youd been half an hour in my house. Fie, for shame! PERCIVAL. Lord Summerhays: I appeal to you. Have I done the correct thing or not? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Youve done your best, Mr Percival. But the correct thing depends for its success on everybody playing the game very strictly. As a single-handed game, it's impossible. BENTLEY. _[suddenly breaking out lamentably]_ Joey: have you taken Hypatia away from me? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[severely]_ Bentley! Bentley! Control yourself, sir. TARLETON. Come, Mr Percival! the shutters are up on the gentlemanly business. Try the truth. PERCIVAL. I am in a wretched position. If I tell the truth nobody will believe me. TARLETON. Oh yes they will. The truth makes everybody believe it. PERCIVAL. It also makes everybody pretend not to believe it. Mrs Tarleton: youre not playing the game. MRS TARLETON. I dont think youve behaved at all nicely, Mr Percival. BENTLEY. I wouldnt have played you such a dirty trick, Joey. _[Struggling with a sob]_ You beast. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Bentley: you must control yourself. Let me say at the same time, Mr Percival, that my son seems to have been mistaken in regarding you either as his friend or as a gentleman. PERCIVAL. Miss Tarleton: I'm suffering this for your sake. I ask you just to say that I am not to blame. Just that and nothing more. HYPATIA. _[gloating mischievously over his distress]_ You chased me through the heather and kissed me. You shouldnt have done that if you were not in earnest. PERCIVAL. Oh, this is really the limit. _[Turning desperately to Gunner]_ Sir: I appeal to you. As a gentleman! as a man of honor! as a man bound to stand by another man! You were in that Turkish bath. You saw how it began. Could any man have behaved more correctly than I did? Is there a shadow of foundation for the accusations brought against me? GUNNER. _[sorely perplexed]_ Well, what do you want me to say? JOHNNY. He has said what he had to say already, hasnt he? Read that paper. GUNNER. When I tell the truth, you make me go back on it. And now you want me to go back on myself! What is a man to do? PERCIVAL. _[patiently]_ Please try to get your mind clear, Mr Brown. I pointed out to you that you could not, as a gentleman, disparage a lady's character. You agree with me, I hope. GUNNER. Yes: that sounds all right. PERCIVAL. But youre also bound to tell the truth. Surely youll not deny that. GUNNER. Who's denying it? I say nothing against it. PERCIVAL. Of course not. Well, I ask you to tell the truth simply and unaffectedly. Did you witness any improper conduct on my part when you were in the bath? GUNNER. No, sir. JOHNNY. | Then what do you mean by saying that-- | HYPATIA. | Do you mean to say that I-- | BENTLEY. | Oh, you are a rotter. Youre afraid-- TARLETON. _[rising]_ Stop. _[Silence]._ Leave it at that. Enough said. You keep quiet, Johnny. Mr Percival: youre whitewashed. So are you, Patsy. Honors are easy. Lets drop the subject. The next thing to do is to open a subscription to start this young man on a ranch in some far country thats accustomed to be in a disturbed state. He-- MRS TARLETON. Now stop joking the poor lad, John: I wont have it. Has been worried to death between you all. _[To Gunner]_ Have you had your tea? GUNNER. Tea? No: it's too early. I'm all right; only I had no dinner: I didnt think I'd want it. I didnt think I'd be alive. MRS TARLETON. Oh, what a thing to say! You mustnt talk like that. JOHNNY. Hes out of his mind. He thinks it's past dinner-time. MRS TARLETON. Oh, youve no sense, Johnny. He calls his lunch his dinner, and has his tea at half-past six. Havnt you, dear? GUNNER. _[timidly]_ Hasnt everybody? JOHNNY. _[laughing]_ Well, by George, thats not bad. MRS TARLETON. Now dont be rude, Johnny: you know I dont like it. _[To Gunner]_ A cup of tea will pick you up. GUNNER. I'd rather not. I'm all right. TARLETON. _[going to the sideboard]_ Here! try a mouthful of sloe gin. GUNNER. No, thanks. I'm a teetotaler. I cant touch alcohol in any form. TARLETON. Nonsense! This isnt alcohol. Sloe gin. Vegetarian, you know. GUNNER. _[hesitating]_ Is it a fruit beverage? TARLETON. Of course it is. Fruit beverage. Here you are. _[He gives him a glass of sloe gin]._ GUNNER. _[going to the sideboard]_ Thanks. _[he begins to drink it confidently; but the first mouthful startles and almost chokes him]._ It's rather hot. TARLETON. Do you good. Dont be afraid of it. MRS TARLETON. _[going to him]_ Sip it, dear. Dont be in a hurry. _Gunner sips slowly, each sip making his eyes water._ JOHNNY. _[coming forward into the place left vacant by Gunner's visit to the sideboard]_ Well, now that the gentleman has been attended to, I should like to know where we are. It may be a vulgar business habit; but I confess I like to know where I am. TARLETON. I dont. Wherever you are, youre there anyhow. I tell you again, leave it at that. BENTLEY. I want to know too. Hypatia's engaged to me. HYPATIA. Bentley: if you insult me again--if you say another word, I'll leave the house and not enter it until you leave it. JOHNNY. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, my boy. BENTLEY. _[inarticulate with fury and suppressed tears]_ Oh! Beasts! Brutes! MRS TARLETON. Now dont hurt his feelings, poor little lamb! LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[very sternly]_ Bentley: you are not behaving well. You had better leave us until you have recovered yourself. _Bentley goes out in disgrace, but gets no further than half way to the pavilion door, when, with a wild sob, he throws himself on the floor and begins to yell._ MRS TARLETON. | _[running to him]_ Oh, poor child, | poor child! Dont cry, duckie: | he didnt mean it: dont cry. | LORD SUMMERHAYS| Stop that infernal noise, sir: do you | hear? Stop it instantly. | JOHNNY. | Thats the game he tried on me. | There you are! Now, mother! | Now, Patsy! You see for yourselves. | HYPATIA. | _[covering her ears]_ Oh you little | wretch! Stop him, Mr Percival. Kick him. | TARLETON. | Steady on, steady on. Easy, Bunny, easy. LINA. Leave him to me, Mrs Tarleton. Stand clear, please. _She kneels opposite Bentley; quickly lifts the upper half of him from the ground; dives under him; rises with his body hanging across her shoulders; and runs out with him._ BENTLEY. _[in scared, sobered, humble tones as he is borne off]_ What are you doing? Let me down. Please, Miss Szczepanowska-- _[they pass out of hearing]._ _An awestruck silence falls on the company as they speculate on Bentley's fate._ JOHNNY. I wonder what shes going to do with him. HYPATIA. Spank him, I hope. Spank him hard. LORD SUMMERHAYS. I hope so. I hope so. Tarleton: I'm beyond measure humiliated and annoyed by my son's behavior in your house. I had better take him home. TARLETON. Not at all: not at all. Now, Chickabiddy: as Miss Lina has taken away Ben, suppose you take away Mr Brown for a while. GUNNER. _[with unexpected aggressiveness]_ My name isnt Brown. _[They stare at him: he meets their stare defiantly, pugnacious with sloe gin; drains the last drop from his glass; throws it on the sideboard; and advances to the writing table]._ My name's Baker: Julius Baker. Mister Baker. If any man doubts it, I'm ready for him. MRS TARLETON. John: you shouldnt have given him that sloe gin. It's gone to his head. GUNNER. Dont you think it. Fruit beverages dont go to the head; and what matter if they did? I say nothing to you, maam: I regard you with respect and affection. _[Lachrymosely]_ You were very good to my mother: my poor mother! _[Relapsing into his daring mood]_ But I say my name's Baker; and I'm not to be treated as a child or made a slave of by any man. Baker is my name. Did you think I was going to give you my real name? Not likely. Not me. TARLETON. So you thought of John Brown. That was clever of you. GUNNER. Clever! Yes: we're not all such fools as you think: we clerks. It was the bookkeeper put me up to that. It's the only name that nobody gives as a false name, he said. Clever, eh? I should think so. MRS TARLETON. Come now, Julius-- GUNNER. _[reassuring her gravely]_ Dont you be alarmed, maam. I know what is due to you as a lady and to myself as a gentleman. I regard you with respect and affection. If you had been my mother, as you ought to have been, I should have had more chance. But you shall have no cause to be ashamed of me. The strength of a chain is no greater than its weakest link; but the greatness of a poet is the greatness of his greatest moment. Shakespear used to get drunk. Frederick the Great ran away from a battle. But it was what they could rise to, not what they could sink to, that made them great. They werent good always; but they were good on their day. Well, on my day--on my day, mind you--I'm good for something too. I know that Ive made a silly exhibition of myself here. I know I didnt rise to the occasion. I know that if youd been my mother, youd have been ashamed of me. I lost my presence of mind: I was a contemptible coward. But _[slapping himself on the chest]_ I'm not the man I was then. This is my day. Ive seen the tenth possessor of a foolish face carried out kicking and screaming by a woman. _[To Percival]_ You crowed pretty big over me. You hypnotized me. But when you were put through the fire yourself, you were found wanting. I tell you straight I dont give a damn for you. MRS TARLETON. No: thats naughty. You shouldnt say that before me. GUNNER. I would cut my tongue out sooner than say anything vulgar in your presence; for I regard you with respect and affection. I was not swearing. I was affirming my manhood. MRS TARLETON. What an idea! What puts all these things into your head? GUNNER. Oh, dont you think, because I'm a clerk, that I'm not one of the intellectuals. I'm a reading man, a thinking man. I read in a book--a high class six shilling book--this precept: Affirm your manhood. It appealed to me. Ive always remembered it. I believe in it. I feel I must do it to recover your respect after my cowardly behavior. Therefore I affirm it in your presence. I tell that man who insulted me that I dont give a damn for him. And neither I do. TARLETON. I say, Summerhays: did you have chaps of this sort in Jinghiskahn? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh yes: they exist everywhere: they are a most serious modern problem. GUNNER. Yes. Youre right. _[Conceitedly]_ I'm a problem. And I tell you that when we clerks realize that we're problems! well, look out: thats all. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[suavely, to Gunner]_ You read a great deal, you say? GUNNER. Ive read more than any man in this room, if the truth were known, I expect. Thats whats going to smash up your Capitalism. The problems are beginning to read. Ha! We're free to do that here in England. What would you do with me in Jinghiskahn if you had me there? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Well, since you ask me so directly, I'll tell you. I should take advantage of the fact that you have neither sense enough nor strength enough to know how to behave yourself in a difficulty of any sort. I should warn an intelligent and ambitious policeman that you are a troublesome person. The intelligent and ambitious policeman would take an early opportunity of upsetting your temper by ordering you to move on, and treading on your heels until you were provoked into obstructing an officer in the discharge of his duty. Any trifle of that sort would be sufficient to make a man like you lose your self-possession and put yourself in the wrong. You would then be charged and imprisoned until things quieted down. GUNNER. And you call that justice! LORD SUMMERHAYS. No. Justice was not my business. I had to govern a province; and I took the necessary steps to maintain order in it. Men are not governed by justice, but by law or persuasion. When they refuse to be governed by law or persuasion, they have to be governed by force or fraud, or both. I used both when law and persuasion failed me. Every ruler of men since the world began has done so, even when he has hated both fraud and force as heartily as I do. It is as well that you should know this, my young friend; so that you may recognize in time that anarchism is a game at which the police can beat you. What have you to say to that? GUNNER. What have I to say to it! Well, I call it scandalous: thats what I have to say to it. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Precisely: thats all anybody has to say to it, except the British public, which pretends not to believe it. And now let me ask you a sympathetic personal question. Havnt you a headache? GUNNER. Well, since you ask me, I have. Ive overexcited myself. MRS TARLETON. Poor lad! No wonder, after all youve gone through! You want to eat a little and to lie down. You come with me. I want you to tell me about your poor dear mother and about yourself. Come along with me. _[She leads the way to the inner door]._ GUNNER. _[following her obediently]_ Thank you kindly, madam. _[She goes out. Before passing out after her, he partly closes the door and stops an the landing for a moment to say]_ Mind: I'm not knuckling down to any man here. I knuckle down to Mrs Tarleton because shes a woman in a thousand. I affirm my manhood all the same. Understand: I dont give a damn for the lot of you. _[He hurries out, rather afraid of the consequences of this defiance, which has provoked Johnny to an impatient movement towards him]._ HYPATIA. Thank goodness hes gone! Oh, what a bore! WHAT a bore!!! Talk, talk, talk! TARLETON. Patsy: it's no good. We're going to talk. And we're going to talk about you. JOHNNY. It's no use shirking it, Pat. We'd better know where we are. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Come, Miss Tarleton. Wont you sit down? I'm very tired of standing. _[Hypatia comes from the pavilion and takes a chair at the worktable. Lord Summerhays takes the opposite chair, on her right. Percival takes the chair Johnny placed for Lina on her arrival. Tarleton sits down at the end of the writing table. Johnny remains standing. Lord Summerhays continues, with a sigh of relief at being seated.]_ We shall now get the change of subject we are all pining for. JOHNNY. _[puzzled]_ Whats that? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The great question. The question that men and women will spend hours over without complaining. The question that occupies all the novel readers and all the playgoers. The question they never get tired of. JOHNNY. But what question? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question which particular young man some young woman will mate with. PERCIVAL. As if it mattered! HYPATIA. _[sharply]_ Whats that you said? PERCIVAL. I said: As if it mattered. HYPATIA. I call that ungentlemanly. PERCIVAL. Do you care about that? you who are so magnificently unladylike! JOHNNY. Look here, Mr Percival: youre not supposed to insult my sister. HYPATIA. Oh, shut up, Johnny. I can take care of myself. Dont you interfere. JOHNNY. Oh, very well. If you choose to give yourself away like that--to allow a man to call you unladylike and then to be unladylike, Ive nothing more to say. HYPATIA. I think Mr Percival is most ungentlemanly; but I wont be protected. I'll not have my affairs interfered with by men on pretence of protecting me. I'm not your baby. If I interfered between you and a woman, you would soon tell me to mind my own business. TARLETON. Children: dont squabble. Read Dr Watts. Behave yourselves. JOHNNY. Ive nothing more to say; and as I dont seem to be wanted here, I shall take myself off. _[He goes out with affected calm through the pavilion]._ TARLETON. Summerhays: a family is an awful thing, an impossible thing. Cat and dog. Patsy: I'm ashamed of you. HYPATIA. I'll make it up with Johnny afterwards; but I really cant have him here sticking his clumsy hoof into my affairs. LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question is, Mr Percival, are you really a gentleman, or are you not? PERCIVAL. Was Napoleon really a gentleman or was he not? He made the lady get out of the way of the porter and said, "Respect the burden, madam." That was behaving like a very fine gentleman; but he kicked Volney for saying that what France wanted was the Bourbons back again. That was behaving rather like a navvy. Now I, like Napoleon, am not all one piece. On occasion, as you have all seen, I can behave like a gentleman. On occasion, I can behave with a brutal simplicity which Miss Tarleton herself could hardly surpass. TARLETON. Gentleman or no gentleman, Patsy: what are your intentions? HYPATIA. My intentions! Surely it's the gentleman who should be asked his intentions. TARLETON. Come now, Patsy! none of that nonsense. Has Mr Percival said anything to you that I ought to know or that Bentley ought to know? Have you said anything to Mr Percival? HYPATIA. Mr Percival chased me through the heather and kissed me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. As a gentleman, Mr Percival, what do you say to that? PERCIVAL. As a gentleman, I do not kiss and tell. As a mere man: a mere cad, if you like, I say that I did so at Miss Tarleton's own suggestion. HYPATIA. Beast! PERCIVAL. I dont deny that I enjoyed it. But I did not initiate it. And I began by running away. TARLETON. So Patsy can run faster than you, can she? PERCIVAL. Yes, when she is in pursuit of me. She runs faster and faster. I run slower and slower. And these woods of yours are full of magic. There was a confounded fern owl. Did you ever hear the churr of a fern owl? Did you ever hear it create a sudden silence by ceasing? Did you ever hear it call its mate by striking its wings together twice and whistling that single note that no nightingale can imitate? That is what happened in the woods when I was running away. So I turned; and the pursuer became the pursued. HYPATIA. I had to fight like a wild cat. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Please dont tell us this. It's not fit for old people to hear. TARLETON. Come: how did it end? HYPATIA. It's not ended yet. TARLETON. How is it going to end? HYPATIA. Ask him. TARLETON. How is it going to end, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. I cant afford to marry, Mr Tarleton. Ive only a thousand a year until my father dies. Two people cant possibly live on that. TARLETON. Oh, cant they? When _I_ married, I should have been jolly glad to have felt sure of the quarter of it. PERCIVAL. No doubt; but I am not a cheap person, Mr Tarleton. I was brought up in a household which cost at least seven or eight times that; and I am in constant money difficulties because I simply dont know how to live on the thousand a year scale. As to ask a woman to share my degrading poverty, it's out of the question. Besides, I'm rather young to marry. I'm only 28. HYPATIA. Papa: buy the brute for me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[shrinking]_ My dear Miss Tarleton: dont be so naughty. I know how delightful it is to shock an old man; but there is a point at which it becomes barbarous. Dont. Please dont. HYPATIA. Shall I tell Papa about you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Tarleton: I had better tell you that I once asked your daughter to become my widow. TARLETON. _[to Hypatia]_ Why didnt you accept him, you young idiot? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I was too old. TARLETON. All this has been going on under my nose, I suppose. You run after young men; and old men run after you. And I'm the last person in the world to hear of it. HYPATIA. How could I tell you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Parents and children, Tarleton. TARLETON. Oh, the gulf that lies between them! the impassable, eternal gulf! And so I'm to buy the brute for you, eh? HYPATIA. If you please, papa. TARLETON. Whats the price, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. We might do with another fifteen hundred if my father would contribute. But I should like more. TARLETON. It's purely a question of money with you, is it? PERCIVAL. _[after a moment's consideration]_ Practically yes: it turns on that. TARLETON. I thought you might have some sort of preference for Patsy, you know. PERCIVAL. Well, but does that matter, do you think? Patsy fascinates me, no doubt. I apparently fascinate Patsy. But, believe me, all that is not worth considering. One of my three fathers (the priest) has married hundreds of couples: couples selected by one another, couples selected by the parents, couples forced to marry one another by circumstances of one kind or another; and he assures me that if marriages were made by putting all the men's names into one sack and the women's names into another, and having them taken out by a blindfolded child like lottery numbers, there would be just as high a percentage of happy marriages as we have here in England. He said Cupid was nothing but the blindfolded child: pretty idea that, I think! I shall have as good a chance with Patsy as with anyone else. Mind: I'm not bigoted about it. I'm not a doctrinaire: not the slave of a theory. You and Lord Summerhays are experienced married men. If you can tell me of any trustworthy method of selecting a wife, I shall be happy to make use of it. I await your suggestions. _[He looks with polite attention to Lord Summerhays, who, having nothing to say, avoids his eye. He looks to Tarleton, who purses his lips glumly and rattles his money in his pockets without a word]._ Apparently neither of you has anything to suggest. Then Patsy will do as well as another, provided the money is forthcoming. HYPATIA. Oh, you beauty, you beauty! TARLETON. When I married Patsy's mother, I was in love with her. PERCIVAL. For the first time? TARLETON. Yes: for the first time. PERCIVAL. For the last time? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[revolted]_ Sir: you are in the presence of his daughter. HYPATIA. Oh, dont mind me. I dont care. I'm accustomed to Papa's adventures. TARLETON. _[blushing painfully]_ Patsy, my child: that was not--not delicate. HYPATIA. Well, papa, youve never shewn any delicacy in talking to me about my conduct; and I really dont see why I shouldnt talk to you about yours. It's such nonsense! Do you think young people dont know? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I'm sure they dont feel. Tarleton: this is too horrible, too brutal. If neither of these young people have any--any--any-- PERCIVAL. Shall we say paternal sentimentality? I'm extremely sorry to shock you; but you must remember that Ive been educated to discuss human affairs with three fathers simultaneously. I'm an adult person. Patsy is an adult person. You do not inspire me with veneration. Apparently you do not inspire Patsy with veneration. That may surprise you. It may pain you. I'm sorry. It cant be helped. What about the money? TARLETON. You dont inspire me with generosity, young man. HYPATIA. _[laughing with genuine amusement]_ He had you there, Joey. TARLETON. I havnt been a bad father to you, Patsy. HYPATIA. I dont say you have, dear. If only I could persuade you Ive grown up, we should get along perfectly. TARLETON. Do you remember Bill Burt? HYPATIA. Why? TARLETON. _[to the others]_ Bill Burt was a laborer here. I was going to sack him for kicking his father. He said his father had kicked him until he was big enough to kick back. Patsy begged him off. I asked that man what it felt like the first time he kicked his father, and found that it was just like kicking any other man. He laughed and said that it was the old man that knew what it felt like. Think of that, Summerhays! think of that! HYPATIA. I havnt kicked you, papa. TARLETON. Youve kicked me harder than Bill Burt ever kicked. LORD SUMMERHAYS. It's no use, Tarleton. Spare yourself. Do you seriously expect these young people, at their age, to sympathize with what this gentleman calls your paternal sentimentality? TARLETON. _[wistfully]_ Is it nothing to you but paternal sentimentality, Patsy? HYPATIA. Well, I greatly prefer your superabundant vitality, papa. TARLETON. _[violently]_ Hold your tongue, you young devil. The young are all alike: hard, coarse, shallow, cruel, selfish, dirty-minded. You can clear out of my house as soon as you can coax him to take you; and the sooner the better. _[To Percival]_ I think you said your price was fifteen hundred a year. Take it. And I wish you joy of your bargain. PERCIVAL. If you wish to know who I am-- TARLETON. I dont care a tinker's curse who you are or what you are. Youre willing to take that girl off my hands for fifteen hundred a year: thats all that concerns me. Tell her who you are if you like: it's her affair,

retreats

How many times the word 'retreats' appears in the text?

Do you consider that sufficient, Lord Summerhays? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh quite, quite. PERCIVAL. _[to Hypatia]_ Lord Summerhays would probably like to hear you say that you are satisfied, Miss Tarleton. HYPATIA. _[coming out of the swing, and advancing between Percival and Lord Summerhays]_ I must say that you have behaved like a perfect gentleman, Mr. Percival. PERCIVAL. _[first bowing to Hypatia, and then turning with cold contempt to Gunner, who is standing helpless]_ We need not trouble you any further. _[Gunner turns vaguely towards the pavilion]._ JOHNNY _[with less refined offensiveness, pointing to the pavilion]_ Thats your way. The gardener will shew you the shortest way into the road. Go the shortest way. GUNNER. _[oppressed and disconcerted, hardly knows how to get out of the room]_ Yes, sir. I-- _[He turns again, appealing to Tarleton]_ Maynt I have my mother's photographs back again? _[Mrs Tarleton pricks up her ears]._ TARLETON. Eh? What? Oh, the photographs! Yes, yes, yes: take them. _[Gunner takes them from the table, and is creeping away, when Mrs Tarleton puts out her hand and stops him]._ MRS TARLETON. Whats this, John? What were you doing with his mother's photographs? TARLETON. Nothing, nothing. Never mind, Chickabiddy: it's all right. MRS TARLETON. _[snatching the photographs from Gunner's irresolute fingers, and recognizing them at a glance]_ Lucy Titmus! Oh John, John! TARLETON. _[grimly, to Gunner]_ Young man: youre a fool; but youve just put the lid on this job in a masterly manner. I knew you would. I told you all to let well alone. You wouldnt; and now you must take the consequences--or rather _I_ must take them. MRS TARLETON. _[to Gunner]_ Are you Lucy's son? GUNNER. Yes. MRS TARLETON. And why didnt you come to me? I didnt turn my back on your mother when she came to me in her trouble. Didnt you know that? GUNNER. No. She never talked to me about anything. TARLETON. How could she talk to her own son? Shy, Summerhays, shy. Parent and child. Shy. _[He sits down at the end of the writing table nearest the sideboard like a man resigned to anything that fate may have in store for him]._ MRS TARLETON. Then how did you find out? GUNNER. From her papers after she died. MRS TARLETON. _[shocked]_ Is Lucy dead? And I never knew! _[With an effusion of tenderness]_ And you here being treated like that, poor orphan, with nobody to take your part! Tear up that foolish paper, child; and sit down and make friends with me. JOHNNY. | Hallo, mother this is all very well, you know-- | PERCIVAL. | But may I point out, Mrs Tarleton, that-- | BENTLEY. | Do you mean that after what he said of-- | HYPATIA. | Oh, look here, mamma: this is really-- MRS TARLETON. Will you please speak one at a time? _Silence._ PERCIVAL _[in a very gentlemanly manner]_ Will you allow me to remind you, Mrs Tarleton, that this man has uttered a most serious and disgraceful falsehood concerning Miss Tarleton and myself? MRS TARLETON. I dont believe a word of it. If the poor lad was there in the Turkish bath, who has a better right to say what was going on here than he has? You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Patsy; and so ought you too, Mr Percival, for encouraging her. _[Hypatia retreats to the pavilion, and exchanges grimaces with Johnny, shamelessly enjoying Percival's sudden reverse. They know their mother]._ PERCIVAL. _[gasping]_ Mrs Tarleton: I give you my word of honor-- MRS TARLETON. Oh, go along with you and your word of honor. Do you think I'm a fool? I wonder you can look the lad in the face after bullying him and making him sign those wicked lies; and all the time you carrying on with my daughter before youd been half an hour in my house. Fie, for shame! PERCIVAL. Lord Summerhays: I appeal to you. Have I done the correct thing or not? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Youve done your best, Mr Percival. But the correct thing depends for its success on everybody playing the game very strictly. As a single-handed game, it's impossible. BENTLEY. _[suddenly breaking out lamentably]_ Joey: have you taken Hypatia away from me? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[severely]_ Bentley! Bentley! Control yourself, sir. TARLETON. Come, Mr Percival! the shutters are up on the gentlemanly business. Try the truth. PERCIVAL. I am in a wretched position. If I tell the truth nobody will believe me. TARLETON. Oh yes they will. The truth makes everybody believe it. PERCIVAL. It also makes everybody pretend not to believe it. Mrs Tarleton: youre not playing the game. MRS TARLETON. I dont think youve behaved at all nicely, Mr Percival. BENTLEY. I wouldnt have played you such a dirty trick, Joey. _[Struggling with a sob]_ You beast. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Bentley: you must control yourself. Let me say at the same time, Mr Percival, that my son seems to have been mistaken in regarding you either as his friend or as a gentleman. PERCIVAL. Miss Tarleton: I'm suffering this for your sake. I ask you just to say that I am not to blame. Just that and nothing more. HYPATIA. _[gloating mischievously over his distress]_ You chased me through the heather and kissed me. You shouldnt have done that if you were not in earnest. PERCIVAL. Oh, this is really the limit. _[Turning desperately to Gunner]_ Sir: I appeal to you. As a gentleman! as a man of honor! as a man bound to stand by another man! You were in that Turkish bath. You saw how it began. Could any man have behaved more correctly than I did? Is there a shadow of foundation for the accusations brought against me? GUNNER. _[sorely perplexed]_ Well, what do you want me to say? JOHNNY. He has said what he had to say already, hasnt he? Read that paper. GUNNER. When I tell the truth, you make me go back on it. And now you want me to go back on myself! What is a man to do? PERCIVAL. _[patiently]_ Please try to get your mind clear, Mr Brown. I pointed out to you that you could not, as a gentleman, disparage a lady's character. You agree with me, I hope. GUNNER. Yes: that sounds all right. PERCIVAL. But youre also bound to tell the truth. Surely youll not deny that. GUNNER. Who's denying it? I say nothing against it. PERCIVAL. Of course not. Well, I ask you to tell the truth simply and unaffectedly. Did you witness any improper conduct on my part when you were in the bath? GUNNER. No, sir. JOHNNY. | Then what do you mean by saying that-- | HYPATIA. | Do you mean to say that I-- | BENTLEY. | Oh, you are a rotter. Youre afraid-- TARLETON. _[rising]_ Stop. _[Silence]._ Leave it at that. Enough said. You keep quiet, Johnny. Mr Percival: youre whitewashed. So are you, Patsy. Honors are easy. Lets drop the subject. The next thing to do is to open a subscription to start this young man on a ranch in some far country thats accustomed to be in a disturbed state. He-- MRS TARLETON. Now stop joking the poor lad, John: I wont have it. Has been worried to death between you all. _[To Gunner]_ Have you had your tea? GUNNER. Tea? No: it's too early. I'm all right; only I had no dinner: I didnt think I'd want it. I didnt think I'd be alive. MRS TARLETON. Oh, what a thing to say! You mustnt talk like that. JOHNNY. Hes out of his mind. He thinks it's past dinner-time. MRS TARLETON. Oh, youve no sense, Johnny. He calls his lunch his dinner, and has his tea at half-past six. Havnt you, dear? GUNNER. _[timidly]_ Hasnt everybody? JOHNNY. _[laughing]_ Well, by George, thats not bad. MRS TARLETON. Now dont be rude, Johnny: you know I dont like it. _[To Gunner]_ A cup of tea will pick you up. GUNNER. I'd rather not. I'm all right. TARLETON. _[going to the sideboard]_ Here! try a mouthful of sloe gin. GUNNER. No, thanks. I'm a teetotaler. I cant touch alcohol in any form. TARLETON. Nonsense! This isnt alcohol. Sloe gin. Vegetarian, you know. GUNNER. _[hesitating]_ Is it a fruit beverage? TARLETON. Of course it is. Fruit beverage. Here you are. _[He gives him a glass of sloe gin]._ GUNNER. _[going to the sideboard]_ Thanks. _[he begins to drink it confidently; but the first mouthful startles and almost chokes him]._ It's rather hot. TARLETON. Do you good. Dont be afraid of it. MRS TARLETON. _[going to him]_ Sip it, dear. Dont be in a hurry. _Gunner sips slowly, each sip making his eyes water._ JOHNNY. _[coming forward into the place left vacant by Gunner's visit to the sideboard]_ Well, now that the gentleman has been attended to, I should like to know where we are. It may be a vulgar business habit; but I confess I like to know where I am. TARLETON. I dont. Wherever you are, youre there anyhow. I tell you again, leave it at that. BENTLEY. I want to know too. Hypatia's engaged to me. HYPATIA. Bentley: if you insult me again--if you say another word, I'll leave the house and not enter it until you leave it. JOHNNY. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, my boy. BENTLEY. _[inarticulate with fury and suppressed tears]_ Oh! Beasts! Brutes! MRS TARLETON. Now dont hurt his feelings, poor little lamb! LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[very sternly]_ Bentley: you are not behaving well. You had better leave us until you have recovered yourself. _Bentley goes out in disgrace, but gets no further than half way to the pavilion door, when, with a wild sob, he throws himself on the floor and begins to yell._ MRS TARLETON. | _[running to him]_ Oh, poor child, | poor child! Dont cry, duckie: | he didnt mean it: dont cry. | LORD SUMMERHAYS| Stop that infernal noise, sir: do you | hear? Stop it instantly. | JOHNNY. | Thats the game he tried on me. | There you are! Now, mother! | Now, Patsy! You see for yourselves. | HYPATIA. | _[covering her ears]_ Oh you little | wretch! Stop him, Mr Percival. Kick him. | TARLETON. | Steady on, steady on. Easy, Bunny, easy. LINA. Leave him to me, Mrs Tarleton. Stand clear, please. _She kneels opposite Bentley; quickly lifts the upper half of him from the ground; dives under him; rises with his body hanging across her shoulders; and runs out with him._ BENTLEY. _[in scared, sobered, humble tones as he is borne off]_ What are you doing? Let me down. Please, Miss Szczepanowska-- _[they pass out of hearing]._ _An awestruck silence falls on the company as they speculate on Bentley's fate._ JOHNNY. I wonder what shes going to do with him. HYPATIA. Spank him, I hope. Spank him hard. LORD SUMMERHAYS. I hope so. I hope so. Tarleton: I'm beyond measure humiliated and annoyed by my son's behavior in your house. I had better take him home. TARLETON. Not at all: not at all. Now, Chickabiddy: as Miss Lina has taken away Ben, suppose you take away Mr Brown for a while. GUNNER. _[with unexpected aggressiveness]_ My name isnt Brown. _[They stare at him: he meets their stare defiantly, pugnacious with sloe gin; drains the last drop from his glass; throws it on the sideboard; and advances to the writing table]._ My name's Baker: Julius Baker. Mister Baker. If any man doubts it, I'm ready for him. MRS TARLETON. John: you shouldnt have given him that sloe gin. It's gone to his head. GUNNER. Dont you think it. Fruit beverages dont go to the head; and what matter if they did? I say nothing to you, maam: I regard you with respect and affection. _[Lachrymosely]_ You were very good to my mother: my poor mother! _[Relapsing into his daring mood]_ But I say my name's Baker; and I'm not to be treated as a child or made a slave of by any man. Baker is my name. Did you think I was going to give you my real name? Not likely. Not me. TARLETON. So you thought of John Brown. That was clever of you. GUNNER. Clever! Yes: we're not all such fools as you think: we clerks. It was the bookkeeper put me up to that. It's the only name that nobody gives as a false name, he said. Clever, eh? I should think so. MRS TARLETON. Come now, Julius-- GUNNER. _[reassuring her gravely]_ Dont you be alarmed, maam. I know what is due to you as a lady and to myself as a gentleman. I regard you with respect and affection. If you had been my mother, as you ought to have been, I should have had more chance. But you shall have no cause to be ashamed of me. The strength of a chain is no greater than its weakest link; but the greatness of a poet is the greatness of his greatest moment. Shakespear used to get drunk. Frederick the Great ran away from a battle. But it was what they could rise to, not what they could sink to, that made them great. They werent good always; but they were good on their day. Well, on my day--on my day, mind you--I'm good for something too. I know that Ive made a silly exhibition of myself here. I know I didnt rise to the occasion. I know that if youd been my mother, youd have been ashamed of me. I lost my presence of mind: I was a contemptible coward. But _[slapping himself on the chest]_ I'm not the man I was then. This is my day. Ive seen the tenth possessor of a foolish face carried out kicking and screaming by a woman. _[To Percival]_ You crowed pretty big over me. You hypnotized me. But when you were put through the fire yourself, you were found wanting. I tell you straight I dont give a damn for you. MRS TARLETON. No: thats naughty. You shouldnt say that before me. GUNNER. I would cut my tongue out sooner than say anything vulgar in your presence; for I regard you with respect and affection. I was not swearing. I was affirming my manhood. MRS TARLETON. What an idea! What puts all these things into your head? GUNNER. Oh, dont you think, because I'm a clerk, that I'm not one of the intellectuals. I'm a reading man, a thinking man. I read in a book--a high class six shilling book--this precept: Affirm your manhood. It appealed to me. Ive always remembered it. I believe in it. I feel I must do it to recover your respect after my cowardly behavior. Therefore I affirm it in your presence. I tell that man who insulted me that I dont give a damn for him. And neither I do. TARLETON. I say, Summerhays: did you have chaps of this sort in Jinghiskahn? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh yes: they exist everywhere: they are a most serious modern problem. GUNNER. Yes. Youre right. _[Conceitedly]_ I'm a problem. And I tell you that when we clerks realize that we're problems! well, look out: thats all. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[suavely, to Gunner]_ You read a great deal, you say? GUNNER. Ive read more than any man in this room, if the truth were known, I expect. Thats whats going to smash up your Capitalism. The problems are beginning to read. Ha! We're free to do that here in England. What would you do with me in Jinghiskahn if you had me there? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Well, since you ask me so directly, I'll tell you. I should take advantage of the fact that you have neither sense enough nor strength enough to know how to behave yourself in a difficulty of any sort. I should warn an intelligent and ambitious policeman that you are a troublesome person. The intelligent and ambitious policeman would take an early opportunity of upsetting your temper by ordering you to move on, and treading on your heels until you were provoked into obstructing an officer in the discharge of his duty. Any trifle of that sort would be sufficient to make a man like you lose your self-possession and put yourself in the wrong. You would then be charged and imprisoned until things quieted down. GUNNER. And you call that justice! LORD SUMMERHAYS. No. Justice was not my business. I had to govern a province; and I took the necessary steps to maintain order in it. Men are not governed by justice, but by law or persuasion. When they refuse to be governed by law or persuasion, they have to be governed by force or fraud, or both. I used both when law and persuasion failed me. Every ruler of men since the world began has done so, even when he has hated both fraud and force as heartily as I do. It is as well that you should know this, my young friend; so that you may recognize in time that anarchism is a game at which the police can beat you. What have you to say to that? GUNNER. What have I to say to it! Well, I call it scandalous: thats what I have to say to it. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Precisely: thats all anybody has to say to it, except the British public, which pretends not to believe it. And now let me ask you a sympathetic personal question. Havnt you a headache? GUNNER. Well, since you ask me, I have. Ive overexcited myself. MRS TARLETON. Poor lad! No wonder, after all youve gone through! You want to eat a little and to lie down. You come with me. I want you to tell me about your poor dear mother and about yourself. Come along with me. _[She leads the way to the inner door]._ GUNNER. _[following her obediently]_ Thank you kindly, madam. _[She goes out. Before passing out after her, he partly closes the door and stops an the landing for a moment to say]_ Mind: I'm not knuckling down to any man here. I knuckle down to Mrs Tarleton because shes a woman in a thousand. I affirm my manhood all the same. Understand: I dont give a damn for the lot of you. _[He hurries out, rather afraid of the consequences of this defiance, which has provoked Johnny to an impatient movement towards him]._ HYPATIA. Thank goodness hes gone! Oh, what a bore! WHAT a bore!!! Talk, talk, talk! TARLETON. Patsy: it's no good. We're going to talk. And we're going to talk about you. JOHNNY. It's no use shirking it, Pat. We'd better know where we are. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Come, Miss Tarleton. Wont you sit down? I'm very tired of standing. _[Hypatia comes from the pavilion and takes a chair at the worktable. Lord Summerhays takes the opposite chair, on her right. Percival takes the chair Johnny placed for Lina on her arrival. Tarleton sits down at the end of the writing table. Johnny remains standing. Lord Summerhays continues, with a sigh of relief at being seated.]_ We shall now get the change of subject we are all pining for. JOHNNY. _[puzzled]_ Whats that? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The great question. The question that men and women will spend hours over without complaining. The question that occupies all the novel readers and all the playgoers. The question they never get tired of. JOHNNY. But what question? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question which particular young man some young woman will mate with. PERCIVAL. As if it mattered! HYPATIA. _[sharply]_ Whats that you said? PERCIVAL. I said: As if it mattered. HYPATIA. I call that ungentlemanly. PERCIVAL. Do you care about that? you who are so magnificently unladylike! JOHNNY. Look here, Mr Percival: youre not supposed to insult my sister. HYPATIA. Oh, shut up, Johnny. I can take care of myself. Dont you interfere. JOHNNY. Oh, very well. If you choose to give yourself away like that--to allow a man to call you unladylike and then to be unladylike, Ive nothing more to say. HYPATIA. I think Mr Percival is most ungentlemanly; but I wont be protected. I'll not have my affairs interfered with by men on pretence of protecting me. I'm not your baby. If I interfered between you and a woman, you would soon tell me to mind my own business. TARLETON. Children: dont squabble. Read Dr Watts. Behave yourselves. JOHNNY. Ive nothing more to say; and as I dont seem to be wanted here, I shall take myself off. _[He goes out with affected calm through the pavilion]._ TARLETON. Summerhays: a family is an awful thing, an impossible thing. Cat and dog. Patsy: I'm ashamed of you. HYPATIA. I'll make it up with Johnny afterwards; but I really cant have him here sticking his clumsy hoof into my affairs. LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question is, Mr Percival, are you really a gentleman, or are you not? PERCIVAL. Was Napoleon really a gentleman or was he not? He made the lady get out of the way of the porter and said, "Respect the burden, madam." That was behaving like a very fine gentleman; but he kicked Volney for saying that what France wanted was the Bourbons back again. That was behaving rather like a navvy. Now I, like Napoleon, am not all one piece. On occasion, as you have all seen, I can behave like a gentleman. On occasion, I can behave with a brutal simplicity which Miss Tarleton herself could hardly surpass. TARLETON. Gentleman or no gentleman, Patsy: what are your intentions? HYPATIA. My intentions! Surely it's the gentleman who should be asked his intentions. TARLETON. Come now, Patsy! none of that nonsense. Has Mr Percival said anything to you that I ought to know or that Bentley ought to know? Have you said anything to Mr Percival? HYPATIA. Mr Percival chased me through the heather and kissed me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. As a gentleman, Mr Percival, what do you say to that? PERCIVAL. As a gentleman, I do not kiss and tell. As a mere man: a mere cad, if you like, I say that I did so at Miss Tarleton's own suggestion. HYPATIA. Beast! PERCIVAL. I dont deny that I enjoyed it. But I did not initiate it. And I began by running away. TARLETON. So Patsy can run faster than you, can she? PERCIVAL. Yes, when she is in pursuit of me. She runs faster and faster. I run slower and slower. And these woods of yours are full of magic. There was a confounded fern owl. Did you ever hear the churr of a fern owl? Did you ever hear it create a sudden silence by ceasing? Did you ever hear it call its mate by striking its wings together twice and whistling that single note that no nightingale can imitate? That is what happened in the woods when I was running away. So I turned; and the pursuer became the pursued. HYPATIA. I had to fight like a wild cat. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Please dont tell us this. It's not fit for old people to hear. TARLETON. Come: how did it end? HYPATIA. It's not ended yet. TARLETON. How is it going to end? HYPATIA. Ask him. TARLETON. How is it going to end, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. I cant afford to marry, Mr Tarleton. Ive only a thousand a year until my father dies. Two people cant possibly live on that. TARLETON. Oh, cant they? When _I_ married, I should have been jolly glad to have felt sure of the quarter of it. PERCIVAL. No doubt; but I am not a cheap person, Mr Tarleton. I was brought up in a household which cost at least seven or eight times that; and I am in constant money difficulties because I simply dont know how to live on the thousand a year scale. As to ask a woman to share my degrading poverty, it's out of the question. Besides, I'm rather young to marry. I'm only 28. HYPATIA. Papa: buy the brute for me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[shrinking]_ My dear Miss Tarleton: dont be so naughty. I know how delightful it is to shock an old man; but there is a point at which it becomes barbarous. Dont. Please dont. HYPATIA. Shall I tell Papa about you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Tarleton: I had better tell you that I once asked your daughter to become my widow. TARLETON. _[to Hypatia]_ Why didnt you accept him, you young idiot? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I was too old. TARLETON. All this has been going on under my nose, I suppose. You run after young men; and old men run after you. And I'm the last person in the world to hear of it. HYPATIA. How could I tell you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Parents and children, Tarleton. TARLETON. Oh, the gulf that lies between them! the impassable, eternal gulf! And so I'm to buy the brute for you, eh? HYPATIA. If you please, papa. TARLETON. Whats the price, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. We might do with another fifteen hundred if my father would contribute. But I should like more. TARLETON. It's purely a question of money with you, is it? PERCIVAL. _[after a moment's consideration]_ Practically yes: it turns on that. TARLETON. I thought you might have some sort of preference for Patsy, you know. PERCIVAL. Well, but does that matter, do you think? Patsy fascinates me, no doubt. I apparently fascinate Patsy. But, believe me, all that is not worth considering. One of my three fathers (the priest) has married hundreds of couples: couples selected by one another, couples selected by the parents, couples forced to marry one another by circumstances of one kind or another; and he assures me that if marriages were made by putting all the men's names into one sack and the women's names into another, and having them taken out by a blindfolded child like lottery numbers, there would be just as high a percentage of happy marriages as we have here in England. He said Cupid was nothing but the blindfolded child: pretty idea that, I think! I shall have as good a chance with Patsy as with anyone else. Mind: I'm not bigoted about it. I'm not a doctrinaire: not the slave of a theory. You and Lord Summerhays are experienced married men. If you can tell me of any trustworthy method of selecting a wife, I shall be happy to make use of it. I await your suggestions. _[He looks with polite attention to Lord Summerhays, who, having nothing to say, avoids his eye. He looks to Tarleton, who purses his lips glumly and rattles his money in his pockets without a word]._ Apparently neither of you has anything to suggest. Then Patsy will do as well as another, provided the money is forthcoming. HYPATIA. Oh, you beauty, you beauty! TARLETON. When I married Patsy's mother, I was in love with her. PERCIVAL. For the first time? TARLETON. Yes: for the first time. PERCIVAL. For the last time? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[revolted]_ Sir: you are in the presence of his daughter. HYPATIA. Oh, dont mind me. I dont care. I'm accustomed to Papa's adventures. TARLETON. _[blushing painfully]_ Patsy, my child: that was not--not delicate. HYPATIA. Well, papa, youve never shewn any delicacy in talking to me about my conduct; and I really dont see why I shouldnt talk to you about yours. It's such nonsense! Do you think young people dont know? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I'm sure they dont feel. Tarleton: this is too horrible, too brutal. If neither of these young people have any--any--any-- PERCIVAL. Shall we say paternal sentimentality? I'm extremely sorry to shock you; but you must remember that Ive been educated to discuss human affairs with three fathers simultaneously. I'm an adult person. Patsy is an adult person. You do not inspire me with veneration. Apparently you do not inspire Patsy with veneration. That may surprise you. It may pain you. I'm sorry. It cant be helped. What about the money? TARLETON. You dont inspire me with generosity, young man. HYPATIA. _[laughing with genuine amusement]_ He had you there, Joey. TARLETON. I havnt been a bad father to you, Patsy. HYPATIA. I dont say you have, dear. If only I could persuade you Ive grown up, we should get along perfectly. TARLETON. Do you remember Bill Burt? HYPATIA. Why? TARLETON. _[to the others]_ Bill Burt was a laborer here. I was going to sack him for kicking his father. He said his father had kicked him until he was big enough to kick back. Patsy begged him off. I asked that man what it felt like the first time he kicked his father, and found that it was just like kicking any other man. He laughed and said that it was the old man that knew what it felt like. Think of that, Summerhays! think of that! HYPATIA. I havnt kicked you, papa. TARLETON. Youve kicked me harder than Bill Burt ever kicked. LORD SUMMERHAYS. It's no use, Tarleton. Spare yourself. Do you seriously expect these young people, at their age, to sympathize with what this gentleman calls your paternal sentimentality? TARLETON. _[wistfully]_ Is it nothing to you but paternal sentimentality, Patsy? HYPATIA. Well, I greatly prefer your superabundant vitality, papa. TARLETON. _[violently]_ Hold your tongue, you young devil. The young are all alike: hard, coarse, shallow, cruel, selfish, dirty-minded. You can clear out of my house as soon as you can coax him to take you; and the sooner the better. _[To Percival]_ I think you said your price was fifteen hundred a year. Take it. And I wish you joy of your bargain. PERCIVAL. If you wish to know who I am-- TARLETON. I dont care a tinker's curse who you are or what you are. Youre willing to take that girl off my hands for fifteen hundred a year: thats all that concerns me. Tell her who you are if you like: it's her affair,

rejoined

How many times the word 'rejoined' appears in the text?

Do you consider that sufficient, Lord Summerhays? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh quite, quite. PERCIVAL. _[to Hypatia]_ Lord Summerhays would probably like to hear you say that you are satisfied, Miss Tarleton. HYPATIA. _[coming out of the swing, and advancing between Percival and Lord Summerhays]_ I must say that you have behaved like a perfect gentleman, Mr. Percival. PERCIVAL. _[first bowing to Hypatia, and then turning with cold contempt to Gunner, who is standing helpless]_ We need not trouble you any further. _[Gunner turns vaguely towards the pavilion]._ JOHNNY _[with less refined offensiveness, pointing to the pavilion]_ Thats your way. The gardener will shew you the shortest way into the road. Go the shortest way. GUNNER. _[oppressed and disconcerted, hardly knows how to get out of the room]_ Yes, sir. I-- _[He turns again, appealing to Tarleton]_ Maynt I have my mother's photographs back again? _[Mrs Tarleton pricks up her ears]._ TARLETON. Eh? What? Oh, the photographs! Yes, yes, yes: take them. _[Gunner takes them from the table, and is creeping away, when Mrs Tarleton puts out her hand and stops him]._ MRS TARLETON. Whats this, John? What were you doing with his mother's photographs? TARLETON. Nothing, nothing. Never mind, Chickabiddy: it's all right. MRS TARLETON. _[snatching the photographs from Gunner's irresolute fingers, and recognizing them at a glance]_ Lucy Titmus! Oh John, John! TARLETON. _[grimly, to Gunner]_ Young man: youre a fool; but youve just put the lid on this job in a masterly manner. I knew you would. I told you all to let well alone. You wouldnt; and now you must take the consequences--or rather _I_ must take them. MRS TARLETON. _[to Gunner]_ Are you Lucy's son? GUNNER. Yes. MRS TARLETON. And why didnt you come to me? I didnt turn my back on your mother when she came to me in her trouble. Didnt you know that? GUNNER. No. She never talked to me about anything. TARLETON. How could she talk to her own son? Shy, Summerhays, shy. Parent and child. Shy. _[He sits down at the end of the writing table nearest the sideboard like a man resigned to anything that fate may have in store for him]._ MRS TARLETON. Then how did you find out? GUNNER. From her papers after she died. MRS TARLETON. _[shocked]_ Is Lucy dead? And I never knew! _[With an effusion of tenderness]_ And you here being treated like that, poor orphan, with nobody to take your part! Tear up that foolish paper, child; and sit down and make friends with me. JOHNNY. | Hallo, mother this is all very well, you know-- | PERCIVAL. | But may I point out, Mrs Tarleton, that-- | BENTLEY. | Do you mean that after what he said of-- | HYPATIA. | Oh, look here, mamma: this is really-- MRS TARLETON. Will you please speak one at a time? _Silence._ PERCIVAL _[in a very gentlemanly manner]_ Will you allow me to remind you, Mrs Tarleton, that this man has uttered a most serious and disgraceful falsehood concerning Miss Tarleton and myself? MRS TARLETON. I dont believe a word of it. If the poor lad was there in the Turkish bath, who has a better right to say what was going on here than he has? You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Patsy; and so ought you too, Mr Percival, for encouraging her. _[Hypatia retreats to the pavilion, and exchanges grimaces with Johnny, shamelessly enjoying Percival's sudden reverse. They know their mother]._ PERCIVAL. _[gasping]_ Mrs Tarleton: I give you my word of honor-- MRS TARLETON. Oh, go along with you and your word of honor. Do you think I'm a fool? I wonder you can look the lad in the face after bullying him and making him sign those wicked lies; and all the time you carrying on with my daughter before youd been half an hour in my house. Fie, for shame! PERCIVAL. Lord Summerhays: I appeal to you. Have I done the correct thing or not? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Youve done your best, Mr Percival. But the correct thing depends for its success on everybody playing the game very strictly. As a single-handed game, it's impossible. BENTLEY. _[suddenly breaking out lamentably]_ Joey: have you taken Hypatia away from me? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[severely]_ Bentley! Bentley! Control yourself, sir. TARLETON. Come, Mr Percival! the shutters are up on the gentlemanly business. Try the truth. PERCIVAL. I am in a wretched position. If I tell the truth nobody will believe me. TARLETON. Oh yes they will. The truth makes everybody believe it. PERCIVAL. It also makes everybody pretend not to believe it. Mrs Tarleton: youre not playing the game. MRS TARLETON. I dont think youve behaved at all nicely, Mr Percival. BENTLEY. I wouldnt have played you such a dirty trick, Joey. _[Struggling with a sob]_ You beast. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Bentley: you must control yourself. Let me say at the same time, Mr Percival, that my son seems to have been mistaken in regarding you either as his friend or as a gentleman. PERCIVAL. Miss Tarleton: I'm suffering this for your sake. I ask you just to say that I am not to blame. Just that and nothing more. HYPATIA. _[gloating mischievously over his distress]_ You chased me through the heather and kissed me. You shouldnt have done that if you were not in earnest. PERCIVAL. Oh, this is really the limit. _[Turning desperately to Gunner]_ Sir: I appeal to you. As a gentleman! as a man of honor! as a man bound to stand by another man! You were in that Turkish bath. You saw how it began. Could any man have behaved more correctly than I did? Is there a shadow of foundation for the accusations brought against me? GUNNER. _[sorely perplexed]_ Well, what do you want me to say? JOHNNY. He has said what he had to say already, hasnt he? Read that paper. GUNNER. When I tell the truth, you make me go back on it. And now you want me to go back on myself! What is a man to do? PERCIVAL. _[patiently]_ Please try to get your mind clear, Mr Brown. I pointed out to you that you could not, as a gentleman, disparage a lady's character. You agree with me, I hope. GUNNER. Yes: that sounds all right. PERCIVAL. But youre also bound to tell the truth. Surely youll not deny that. GUNNER. Who's denying it? I say nothing against it. PERCIVAL. Of course not. Well, I ask you to tell the truth simply and unaffectedly. Did you witness any improper conduct on my part when you were in the bath? GUNNER. No, sir. JOHNNY. | Then what do you mean by saying that-- | HYPATIA. | Do you mean to say that I-- | BENTLEY. | Oh, you are a rotter. Youre afraid-- TARLETON. _[rising]_ Stop. _[Silence]._ Leave it at that. Enough said. You keep quiet, Johnny. Mr Percival: youre whitewashed. So are you, Patsy. Honors are easy. Lets drop the subject. The next thing to do is to open a subscription to start this young man on a ranch in some far country thats accustomed to be in a disturbed state. He-- MRS TARLETON. Now stop joking the poor lad, John: I wont have it. Has been worried to death between you all. _[To Gunner]_ Have you had your tea? GUNNER. Tea? No: it's too early. I'm all right; only I had no dinner: I didnt think I'd want it. I didnt think I'd be alive. MRS TARLETON. Oh, what a thing to say! You mustnt talk like that. JOHNNY. Hes out of his mind. He thinks it's past dinner-time. MRS TARLETON. Oh, youve no sense, Johnny. He calls his lunch his dinner, and has his tea at half-past six. Havnt you, dear? GUNNER. _[timidly]_ Hasnt everybody? JOHNNY. _[laughing]_ Well, by George, thats not bad. MRS TARLETON. Now dont be rude, Johnny: you know I dont like it. _[To Gunner]_ A cup of tea will pick you up. GUNNER. I'd rather not. I'm all right. TARLETON. _[going to the sideboard]_ Here! try a mouthful of sloe gin. GUNNER. No, thanks. I'm a teetotaler. I cant touch alcohol in any form. TARLETON. Nonsense! This isnt alcohol. Sloe gin. Vegetarian, you know. GUNNER. _[hesitating]_ Is it a fruit beverage? TARLETON. Of course it is. Fruit beverage. Here you are. _[He gives him a glass of sloe gin]._ GUNNER. _[going to the sideboard]_ Thanks. _[he begins to drink it confidently; but the first mouthful startles and almost chokes him]._ It's rather hot. TARLETON. Do you good. Dont be afraid of it. MRS TARLETON. _[going to him]_ Sip it, dear. Dont be in a hurry. _Gunner sips slowly, each sip making his eyes water._ JOHNNY. _[coming forward into the place left vacant by Gunner's visit to the sideboard]_ Well, now that the gentleman has been attended to, I should like to know where we are. It may be a vulgar business habit; but I confess I like to know where I am. TARLETON. I dont. Wherever you are, youre there anyhow. I tell you again, leave it at that. BENTLEY. I want to know too. Hypatia's engaged to me. HYPATIA. Bentley: if you insult me again--if you say another word, I'll leave the house and not enter it until you leave it. JOHNNY. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, my boy. BENTLEY. _[inarticulate with fury and suppressed tears]_ Oh! Beasts! Brutes! MRS TARLETON. Now dont hurt his feelings, poor little lamb! LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[very sternly]_ Bentley: you are not behaving well. You had better leave us until you have recovered yourself. _Bentley goes out in disgrace, but gets no further than half way to the pavilion door, when, with a wild sob, he throws himself on the floor and begins to yell._ MRS TARLETON. | _[running to him]_ Oh, poor child, | poor child! Dont cry, duckie: | he didnt mean it: dont cry. | LORD SUMMERHAYS| Stop that infernal noise, sir: do you | hear? Stop it instantly. | JOHNNY. | Thats the game he tried on me. | There you are! Now, mother! | Now, Patsy! You see for yourselves. | HYPATIA. | _[covering her ears]_ Oh you little | wretch! Stop him, Mr Percival. Kick him. | TARLETON. | Steady on, steady on. Easy, Bunny, easy. LINA. Leave him to me, Mrs Tarleton. Stand clear, please. _She kneels opposite Bentley; quickly lifts the upper half of him from the ground; dives under him; rises with his body hanging across her shoulders; and runs out with him._ BENTLEY. _[in scared, sobered, humble tones as he is borne off]_ What are you doing? Let me down. Please, Miss Szczepanowska-- _[they pass out of hearing]._ _An awestruck silence falls on the company as they speculate on Bentley's fate._ JOHNNY. I wonder what shes going to do with him. HYPATIA. Spank him, I hope. Spank him hard. LORD SUMMERHAYS. I hope so. I hope so. Tarleton: I'm beyond measure humiliated and annoyed by my son's behavior in your house. I had better take him home. TARLETON. Not at all: not at all. Now, Chickabiddy: as Miss Lina has taken away Ben, suppose you take away Mr Brown for a while. GUNNER. _[with unexpected aggressiveness]_ My name isnt Brown. _[They stare at him: he meets their stare defiantly, pugnacious with sloe gin; drains the last drop from his glass; throws it on the sideboard; and advances to the writing table]._ My name's Baker: Julius Baker. Mister Baker. If any man doubts it, I'm ready for him. MRS TARLETON. John: you shouldnt have given him that sloe gin. It's gone to his head. GUNNER. Dont you think it. Fruit beverages dont go to the head; and what matter if they did? I say nothing to you, maam: I regard you with respect and affection. _[Lachrymosely]_ You were very good to my mother: my poor mother! _[Relapsing into his daring mood]_ But I say my name's Baker; and I'm not to be treated as a child or made a slave of by any man. Baker is my name. Did you think I was going to give you my real name? Not likely. Not me. TARLETON. So you thought of John Brown. That was clever of you. GUNNER. Clever! Yes: we're not all such fools as you think: we clerks. It was the bookkeeper put me up to that. It's the only name that nobody gives as a false name, he said. Clever, eh? I should think so. MRS TARLETON. Come now, Julius-- GUNNER. _[reassuring her gravely]_ Dont you be alarmed, maam. I know what is due to you as a lady and to myself as a gentleman. I regard you with respect and affection. If you had been my mother, as you ought to have been, I should have had more chance. But you shall have no cause to be ashamed of me. The strength of a chain is no greater than its weakest link; but the greatness of a poet is the greatness of his greatest moment. Shakespear used to get drunk. Frederick the Great ran away from a battle. But it was what they could rise to, not what they could sink to, that made them great. They werent good always; but they were good on their day. Well, on my day--on my day, mind you--I'm good for something too. I know that Ive made a silly exhibition of myself here. I know I didnt rise to the occasion. I know that if youd been my mother, youd have been ashamed of me. I lost my presence of mind: I was a contemptible coward. But _[slapping himself on the chest]_ I'm not the man I was then. This is my day. Ive seen the tenth possessor of a foolish face carried out kicking and screaming by a woman. _[To Percival]_ You crowed pretty big over me. You hypnotized me. But when you were put through the fire yourself, you were found wanting. I tell you straight I dont give a damn for you. MRS TARLETON. No: thats naughty. You shouldnt say that before me. GUNNER. I would cut my tongue out sooner than say anything vulgar in your presence; for I regard you with respect and affection. I was not swearing. I was affirming my manhood. MRS TARLETON. What an idea! What puts all these things into your head? GUNNER. Oh, dont you think, because I'm a clerk, that I'm not one of the intellectuals. I'm a reading man, a thinking man. I read in a book--a high class six shilling book--this precept: Affirm your manhood. It appealed to me. Ive always remembered it. I believe in it. I feel I must do it to recover your respect after my cowardly behavior. Therefore I affirm it in your presence. I tell that man who insulted me that I dont give a damn for him. And neither I do. TARLETON. I say, Summerhays: did you have chaps of this sort in Jinghiskahn? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh yes: they exist everywhere: they are a most serious modern problem. GUNNER. Yes. Youre right. _[Conceitedly]_ I'm a problem. And I tell you that when we clerks realize that we're problems! well, look out: thats all. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[suavely, to Gunner]_ You read a great deal, you say? GUNNER. Ive read more than any man in this room, if the truth were known, I expect. Thats whats going to smash up your Capitalism. The problems are beginning to read. Ha! We're free to do that here in England. What would you do with me in Jinghiskahn if you had me there? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Well, since you ask me so directly, I'll tell you. I should take advantage of the fact that you have neither sense enough nor strength enough to know how to behave yourself in a difficulty of any sort. I should warn an intelligent and ambitious policeman that you are a troublesome person. The intelligent and ambitious policeman would take an early opportunity of upsetting your temper by ordering you to move on, and treading on your heels until you were provoked into obstructing an officer in the discharge of his duty. Any trifle of that sort would be sufficient to make a man like you lose your self-possession and put yourself in the wrong. You would then be charged and imprisoned until things quieted down. GUNNER. And you call that justice! LORD SUMMERHAYS. No. Justice was not my business. I had to govern a province; and I took the necessary steps to maintain order in it. Men are not governed by justice, but by law or persuasion. When they refuse to be governed by law or persuasion, they have to be governed by force or fraud, or both. I used both when law and persuasion failed me. Every ruler of men since the world began has done so, even when he has hated both fraud and force as heartily as I do. It is as well that you should know this, my young friend; so that you may recognize in time that anarchism is a game at which the police can beat you. What have you to say to that? GUNNER. What have I to say to it! Well, I call it scandalous: thats what I have to say to it. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Precisely: thats all anybody has to say to it, except the British public, which pretends not to believe it. And now let me ask you a sympathetic personal question. Havnt you a headache? GUNNER. Well, since you ask me, I have. Ive overexcited myself. MRS TARLETON. Poor lad! No wonder, after all youve gone through! You want to eat a little and to lie down. You come with me. I want you to tell me about your poor dear mother and about yourself. Come along with me. _[She leads the way to the inner door]._ GUNNER. _[following her obediently]_ Thank you kindly, madam. _[She goes out. Before passing out after her, he partly closes the door and stops an the landing for a moment to say]_ Mind: I'm not knuckling down to any man here. I knuckle down to Mrs Tarleton because shes a woman in a thousand. I affirm my manhood all the same. Understand: I dont give a damn for the lot of you. _[He hurries out, rather afraid of the consequences of this defiance, which has provoked Johnny to an impatient movement towards him]._ HYPATIA. Thank goodness hes gone! Oh, what a bore! WHAT a bore!!! Talk, talk, talk! TARLETON. Patsy: it's no good. We're going to talk. And we're going to talk about you. JOHNNY. It's no use shirking it, Pat. We'd better know where we are. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Come, Miss Tarleton. Wont you sit down? I'm very tired of standing. _[Hypatia comes from the pavilion and takes a chair at the worktable. Lord Summerhays takes the opposite chair, on her right. Percival takes the chair Johnny placed for Lina on her arrival. Tarleton sits down at the end of the writing table. Johnny remains standing. Lord Summerhays continues, with a sigh of relief at being seated.]_ We shall now get the change of subject we are all pining for. JOHNNY. _[puzzled]_ Whats that? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The great question. The question that men and women will spend hours over without complaining. The question that occupies all the novel readers and all the playgoers. The question they never get tired of. JOHNNY. But what question? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question which particular young man some young woman will mate with. PERCIVAL. As if it mattered! HYPATIA. _[sharply]_ Whats that you said? PERCIVAL. I said: As if it mattered. HYPATIA. I call that ungentlemanly. PERCIVAL. Do you care about that? you who are so magnificently unladylike! JOHNNY. Look here, Mr Percival: youre not supposed to insult my sister. HYPATIA. Oh, shut up, Johnny. I can take care of myself. Dont you interfere. JOHNNY. Oh, very well. If you choose to give yourself away like that--to allow a man to call you unladylike and then to be unladylike, Ive nothing more to say. HYPATIA. I think Mr Percival is most ungentlemanly; but I wont be protected. I'll not have my affairs interfered with by men on pretence of protecting me. I'm not your baby. If I interfered between you and a woman, you would soon tell me to mind my own business. TARLETON. Children: dont squabble. Read Dr Watts. Behave yourselves. JOHNNY. Ive nothing more to say; and as I dont seem to be wanted here, I shall take myself off. _[He goes out with affected calm through the pavilion]._ TARLETON. Summerhays: a family is an awful thing, an impossible thing. Cat and dog. Patsy: I'm ashamed of you. HYPATIA. I'll make it up with Johnny afterwards; but I really cant have him here sticking his clumsy hoof into my affairs. LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question is, Mr Percival, are you really a gentleman, or are you not? PERCIVAL. Was Napoleon really a gentleman or was he not? He made the lady get out of the way of the porter and said, "Respect the burden, madam." That was behaving like a very fine gentleman; but he kicked Volney for saying that what France wanted was the Bourbons back again. That was behaving rather like a navvy. Now I, like Napoleon, am not all one piece. On occasion, as you have all seen, I can behave like a gentleman. On occasion, I can behave with a brutal simplicity which Miss Tarleton herself could hardly surpass. TARLETON. Gentleman or no gentleman, Patsy: what are your intentions? HYPATIA. My intentions! Surely it's the gentleman who should be asked his intentions. TARLETON. Come now, Patsy! none of that nonsense. Has Mr Percival said anything to you that I ought to know or that Bentley ought to know? Have you said anything to Mr Percival? HYPATIA. Mr Percival chased me through the heather and kissed me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. As a gentleman, Mr Percival, what do you say to that? PERCIVAL. As a gentleman, I do not kiss and tell. As a mere man: a mere cad, if you like, I say that I did so at Miss Tarleton's own suggestion. HYPATIA. Beast! PERCIVAL. I dont deny that I enjoyed it. But I did not initiate it. And I began by running away. TARLETON. So Patsy can run faster than you, can she? PERCIVAL. Yes, when she is in pursuit of me. She runs faster and faster. I run slower and slower. And these woods of yours are full of magic. There was a confounded fern owl. Did you ever hear the churr of a fern owl? Did you ever hear it create a sudden silence by ceasing? Did you ever hear it call its mate by striking its wings together twice and whistling that single note that no nightingale can imitate? That is what happened in the woods when I was running away. So I turned; and the pursuer became the pursued. HYPATIA. I had to fight like a wild cat. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Please dont tell us this. It's not fit for old people to hear. TARLETON. Come: how did it end? HYPATIA. It's not ended yet. TARLETON. How is it going to end? HYPATIA. Ask him. TARLETON. How is it going to end, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. I cant afford to marry, Mr Tarleton. Ive only a thousand a year until my father dies. Two people cant possibly live on that. TARLETON. Oh, cant they? When _I_ married, I should have been jolly glad to have felt sure of the quarter of it. PERCIVAL. No doubt; but I am not a cheap person, Mr Tarleton. I was brought up in a household which cost at least seven or eight times that; and I am in constant money difficulties because I simply dont know how to live on the thousand a year scale. As to ask a woman to share my degrading poverty, it's out of the question. Besides, I'm rather young to marry. I'm only 28. HYPATIA. Papa: buy the brute for me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[shrinking]_ My dear Miss Tarleton: dont be so naughty. I know how delightful it is to shock an old man; but there is a point at which it becomes barbarous. Dont. Please dont. HYPATIA. Shall I tell Papa about you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Tarleton: I had better tell you that I once asked your daughter to become my widow. TARLETON. _[to Hypatia]_ Why didnt you accept him, you young idiot? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I was too old. TARLETON. All this has been going on under my nose, I suppose. You run after young men; and old men run after you. And I'm the last person in the world to hear of it. HYPATIA. How could I tell you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Parents and children, Tarleton. TARLETON. Oh, the gulf that lies between them! the impassable, eternal gulf! And so I'm to buy the brute for you, eh? HYPATIA. If you please, papa. TARLETON. Whats the price, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. We might do with another fifteen hundred if my father would contribute. But I should like more. TARLETON. It's purely a question of money with you, is it? PERCIVAL. _[after a moment's consideration]_ Practically yes: it turns on that. TARLETON. I thought you might have some sort of preference for Patsy, you know. PERCIVAL. Well, but does that matter, do you think? Patsy fascinates me, no doubt. I apparently fascinate Patsy. But, believe me, all that is not worth considering. One of my three fathers (the priest) has married hundreds of couples: couples selected by one another, couples selected by the parents, couples forced to marry one another by circumstances of one kind or another; and he assures me that if marriages were made by putting all the men's names into one sack and the women's names into another, and having them taken out by a blindfolded child like lottery numbers, there would be just as high a percentage of happy marriages as we have here in England. He said Cupid was nothing but the blindfolded child: pretty idea that, I think! I shall have as good a chance with Patsy as with anyone else. Mind: I'm not bigoted about it. I'm not a doctrinaire: not the slave of a theory. You and Lord Summerhays are experienced married men. If you can tell me of any trustworthy method of selecting a wife, I shall be happy to make use of it. I await your suggestions. _[He looks with polite attention to Lord Summerhays, who, having nothing to say, avoids his eye. He looks to Tarleton, who purses his lips glumly and rattles his money in his pockets without a word]._ Apparently neither of you has anything to suggest. Then Patsy will do as well as another, provided the money is forthcoming. HYPATIA. Oh, you beauty, you beauty! TARLETON. When I married Patsy's mother, I was in love with her. PERCIVAL. For the first time? TARLETON. Yes: for the first time. PERCIVAL. For the last time? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[revolted]_ Sir: you are in the presence of his daughter. HYPATIA. Oh, dont mind me. I dont care. I'm accustomed to Papa's adventures. TARLETON. _[blushing painfully]_ Patsy, my child: that was not--not delicate. HYPATIA. Well, papa, youve never shewn any delicacy in talking to me about my conduct; and I really dont see why I shouldnt talk to you about yours. It's such nonsense! Do you think young people dont know? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I'm sure they dont feel. Tarleton: this is too horrible, too brutal. If neither of these young people have any--any--any-- PERCIVAL. Shall we say paternal sentimentality? I'm extremely sorry to shock you; but you must remember that Ive been educated to discuss human affairs with three fathers simultaneously. I'm an adult person. Patsy is an adult person. You do not inspire me with veneration. Apparently you do not inspire Patsy with veneration. That may surprise you. It may pain you. I'm sorry. It cant be helped. What about the money? TARLETON. You dont inspire me with generosity, young man. HYPATIA. _[laughing with genuine amusement]_ He had you there, Joey. TARLETON. I havnt been a bad father to you, Patsy. HYPATIA. I dont say you have, dear. If only I could persuade you Ive grown up, we should get along perfectly. TARLETON. Do you remember Bill Burt? HYPATIA. Why? TARLETON. _[to the others]_ Bill Burt was a laborer here. I was going to sack him for kicking his father. He said his father had kicked him until he was big enough to kick back. Patsy begged him off. I asked that man what it felt like the first time he kicked his father, and found that it was just like kicking any other man. He laughed and said that it was the old man that knew what it felt like. Think of that, Summerhays! think of that! HYPATIA. I havnt kicked you, papa. TARLETON. Youve kicked me harder than Bill Burt ever kicked. LORD SUMMERHAYS. It's no use, Tarleton. Spare yourself. Do you seriously expect these young people, at their age, to sympathize with what this gentleman calls your paternal sentimentality? TARLETON. _[wistfully]_ Is it nothing to you but paternal sentimentality, Patsy? HYPATIA. Well, I greatly prefer your superabundant vitality, papa. TARLETON. _[violently]_ Hold your tongue, you young devil. The young are all alike: hard, coarse, shallow, cruel, selfish, dirty-minded. You can clear out of my house as soon as you can coax him to take you; and the sooner the better. _[To Percival]_ I think you said your price was fifteen hundred a year. Take it. And I wish you joy of your bargain. PERCIVAL. If you wish to know who I am-- TARLETON. I dont care a tinker's curse who you are or what you are. Youre willing to take that girl off my hands for fifteen hundred a year: thats all that concerns me. Tell her who you are if you like: it's her affair,

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How many times the word 'board' appears in the text?

Do you consider that sufficient, Lord Summerhays? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh quite, quite. PERCIVAL. _[to Hypatia]_ Lord Summerhays would probably like to hear you say that you are satisfied, Miss Tarleton. HYPATIA. _[coming out of the swing, and advancing between Percival and Lord Summerhays]_ I must say that you have behaved like a perfect gentleman, Mr. Percival. PERCIVAL. _[first bowing to Hypatia, and then turning with cold contempt to Gunner, who is standing helpless]_ We need not trouble you any further. _[Gunner turns vaguely towards the pavilion]._ JOHNNY _[with less refined offensiveness, pointing to the pavilion]_ Thats your way. The gardener will shew you the shortest way into the road. Go the shortest way. GUNNER. _[oppressed and disconcerted, hardly knows how to get out of the room]_ Yes, sir. I-- _[He turns again, appealing to Tarleton]_ Maynt I have my mother's photographs back again? _[Mrs Tarleton pricks up her ears]._ TARLETON. Eh? What? Oh, the photographs! Yes, yes, yes: take them. _[Gunner takes them from the table, and is creeping away, when Mrs Tarleton puts out her hand and stops him]._ MRS TARLETON. Whats this, John? What were you doing with his mother's photographs? TARLETON. Nothing, nothing. Never mind, Chickabiddy: it's all right. MRS TARLETON. _[snatching the photographs from Gunner's irresolute fingers, and recognizing them at a glance]_ Lucy Titmus! Oh John, John! TARLETON. _[grimly, to Gunner]_ Young man: youre a fool; but youve just put the lid on this job in a masterly manner. I knew you would. I told you all to let well alone. You wouldnt; and now you must take the consequences--or rather _I_ must take them. MRS TARLETON. _[to Gunner]_ Are you Lucy's son? GUNNER. Yes. MRS TARLETON. And why didnt you come to me? I didnt turn my back on your mother when she came to me in her trouble. Didnt you know that? GUNNER. No. She never talked to me about anything. TARLETON. How could she talk to her own son? Shy, Summerhays, shy. Parent and child. Shy. _[He sits down at the end of the writing table nearest the sideboard like a man resigned to anything that fate may have in store for him]._ MRS TARLETON. Then how did you find out? GUNNER. From her papers after she died. MRS TARLETON. _[shocked]_ Is Lucy dead? And I never knew! _[With an effusion of tenderness]_ And you here being treated like that, poor orphan, with nobody to take your part! Tear up that foolish paper, child; and sit down and make friends with me. JOHNNY. | Hallo, mother this is all very well, you know-- | PERCIVAL. | But may I point out, Mrs Tarleton, that-- | BENTLEY. | Do you mean that after what he said of-- | HYPATIA. | Oh, look here, mamma: this is really-- MRS TARLETON. Will you please speak one at a time? _Silence._ PERCIVAL _[in a very gentlemanly manner]_ Will you allow me to remind you, Mrs Tarleton, that this man has uttered a most serious and disgraceful falsehood concerning Miss Tarleton and myself? MRS TARLETON. I dont believe a word of it. If the poor lad was there in the Turkish bath, who has a better right to say what was going on here than he has? You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Patsy; and so ought you too, Mr Percival, for encouraging her. _[Hypatia retreats to the pavilion, and exchanges grimaces with Johnny, shamelessly enjoying Percival's sudden reverse. They know their mother]._ PERCIVAL. _[gasping]_ Mrs Tarleton: I give you my word of honor-- MRS TARLETON. Oh, go along with you and your word of honor. Do you think I'm a fool? I wonder you can look the lad in the face after bullying him and making him sign those wicked lies; and all the time you carrying on with my daughter before youd been half an hour in my house. Fie, for shame! PERCIVAL. Lord Summerhays: I appeal to you. Have I done the correct thing or not? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Youve done your best, Mr Percival. But the correct thing depends for its success on everybody playing the game very strictly. As a single-handed game, it's impossible. BENTLEY. _[suddenly breaking out lamentably]_ Joey: have you taken Hypatia away from me? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[severely]_ Bentley! Bentley! Control yourself, sir. TARLETON. Come, Mr Percival! the shutters are up on the gentlemanly business. Try the truth. PERCIVAL. I am in a wretched position. If I tell the truth nobody will believe me. TARLETON. Oh yes they will. The truth makes everybody believe it. PERCIVAL. It also makes everybody pretend not to believe it. Mrs Tarleton: youre not playing the game. MRS TARLETON. I dont think youve behaved at all nicely, Mr Percival. BENTLEY. I wouldnt have played you such a dirty trick, Joey. _[Struggling with a sob]_ You beast. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Bentley: you must control yourself. Let me say at the same time, Mr Percival, that my son seems to have been mistaken in regarding you either as his friend or as a gentleman. PERCIVAL. Miss Tarleton: I'm suffering this for your sake. I ask you just to say that I am not to blame. Just that and nothing more. HYPATIA. _[gloating mischievously over his distress]_ You chased me through the heather and kissed me. You shouldnt have done that if you were not in earnest. PERCIVAL. Oh, this is really the limit. _[Turning desperately to Gunner]_ Sir: I appeal to you. As a gentleman! as a man of honor! as a man bound to stand by another man! You were in that Turkish bath. You saw how it began. Could any man have behaved more correctly than I did? Is there a shadow of foundation for the accusations brought against me? GUNNER. _[sorely perplexed]_ Well, what do you want me to say? JOHNNY. He has said what he had to say already, hasnt he? Read that paper. GUNNER. When I tell the truth, you make me go back on it. And now you want me to go back on myself! What is a man to do? PERCIVAL. _[patiently]_ Please try to get your mind clear, Mr Brown. I pointed out to you that you could not, as a gentleman, disparage a lady's character. You agree with me, I hope. GUNNER. Yes: that sounds all right. PERCIVAL. But youre also bound to tell the truth. Surely youll not deny that. GUNNER. Who's denying it? I say nothing against it. PERCIVAL. Of course not. Well, I ask you to tell the truth simply and unaffectedly. Did you witness any improper conduct on my part when you were in the bath? GUNNER. No, sir. JOHNNY. | Then what do you mean by saying that-- | HYPATIA. | Do you mean to say that I-- | BENTLEY. | Oh, you are a rotter. Youre afraid-- TARLETON. _[rising]_ Stop. _[Silence]._ Leave it at that. Enough said. You keep quiet, Johnny. Mr Percival: youre whitewashed. So are you, Patsy. Honors are easy. Lets drop the subject. The next thing to do is to open a subscription to start this young man on a ranch in some far country thats accustomed to be in a disturbed state. He-- MRS TARLETON. Now stop joking the poor lad, John: I wont have it. Has been worried to death between you all. _[To Gunner]_ Have you had your tea? GUNNER. Tea? No: it's too early. I'm all right; only I had no dinner: I didnt think I'd want it. I didnt think I'd be alive. MRS TARLETON. Oh, what a thing to say! You mustnt talk like that. JOHNNY. Hes out of his mind. He thinks it's past dinner-time. MRS TARLETON. Oh, youve no sense, Johnny. He calls his lunch his dinner, and has his tea at half-past six. Havnt you, dear? GUNNER. _[timidly]_ Hasnt everybody? JOHNNY. _[laughing]_ Well, by George, thats not bad. MRS TARLETON. Now dont be rude, Johnny: you know I dont like it. _[To Gunner]_ A cup of tea will pick you up. GUNNER. I'd rather not. I'm all right. TARLETON. _[going to the sideboard]_ Here! try a mouthful of sloe gin. GUNNER. No, thanks. I'm a teetotaler. I cant touch alcohol in any form. TARLETON. Nonsense! This isnt alcohol. Sloe gin. Vegetarian, you know. GUNNER. _[hesitating]_ Is it a fruit beverage? TARLETON. Of course it is. Fruit beverage. Here you are. _[He gives him a glass of sloe gin]._ GUNNER. _[going to the sideboard]_ Thanks. _[he begins to drink it confidently; but the first mouthful startles and almost chokes him]._ It's rather hot. TARLETON. Do you good. Dont be afraid of it. MRS TARLETON. _[going to him]_ Sip it, dear. Dont be in a hurry. _Gunner sips slowly, each sip making his eyes water._ JOHNNY. _[coming forward into the place left vacant by Gunner's visit to the sideboard]_ Well, now that the gentleman has been attended to, I should like to know where we are. It may be a vulgar business habit; but I confess I like to know where I am. TARLETON. I dont. Wherever you are, youre there anyhow. I tell you again, leave it at that. BENTLEY. I want to know too. Hypatia's engaged to me. HYPATIA. Bentley: if you insult me again--if you say another word, I'll leave the house and not enter it until you leave it. JOHNNY. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, my boy. BENTLEY. _[inarticulate with fury and suppressed tears]_ Oh! Beasts! Brutes! MRS TARLETON. Now dont hurt his feelings, poor little lamb! LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[very sternly]_ Bentley: you are not behaving well. You had better leave us until you have recovered yourself. _Bentley goes out in disgrace, but gets no further than half way to the pavilion door, when, with a wild sob, he throws himself on the floor and begins to yell._ MRS TARLETON. | _[running to him]_ Oh, poor child, | poor child! Dont cry, duckie: | he didnt mean it: dont cry. | LORD SUMMERHAYS| Stop that infernal noise, sir: do you | hear? Stop it instantly. | JOHNNY. | Thats the game he tried on me. | There you are! Now, mother! | Now, Patsy! You see for yourselves. | HYPATIA. | _[covering her ears]_ Oh you little | wretch! Stop him, Mr Percival. Kick him. | TARLETON. | Steady on, steady on. Easy, Bunny, easy. LINA. Leave him to me, Mrs Tarleton. Stand clear, please. _She kneels opposite Bentley; quickly lifts the upper half of him from the ground; dives under him; rises with his body hanging across her shoulders; and runs out with him._ BENTLEY. _[in scared, sobered, humble tones as he is borne off]_ What are you doing? Let me down. Please, Miss Szczepanowska-- _[they pass out of hearing]._ _An awestruck silence falls on the company as they speculate on Bentley's fate._ JOHNNY. I wonder what shes going to do with him. HYPATIA. Spank him, I hope. Spank him hard. LORD SUMMERHAYS. I hope so. I hope so. Tarleton: I'm beyond measure humiliated and annoyed by my son's behavior in your house. I had better take him home. TARLETON. Not at all: not at all. Now, Chickabiddy: as Miss Lina has taken away Ben, suppose you take away Mr Brown for a while. GUNNER. _[with unexpected aggressiveness]_ My name isnt Brown. _[They stare at him: he meets their stare defiantly, pugnacious with sloe gin; drains the last drop from his glass; throws it on the sideboard; and advances to the writing table]._ My name's Baker: Julius Baker. Mister Baker. If any man doubts it, I'm ready for him. MRS TARLETON. John: you shouldnt have given him that sloe gin. It's gone to his head. GUNNER. Dont you think it. Fruit beverages dont go to the head; and what matter if they did? I say nothing to you, maam: I regard you with respect and affection. _[Lachrymosely]_ You were very good to my mother: my poor mother! _[Relapsing into his daring mood]_ But I say my name's Baker; and I'm not to be treated as a child or made a slave of by any man. Baker is my name. Did you think I was going to give you my real name? Not likely. Not me. TARLETON. So you thought of John Brown. That was clever of you. GUNNER. Clever! Yes: we're not all such fools as you think: we clerks. It was the bookkeeper put me up to that. It's the only name that nobody gives as a false name, he said. Clever, eh? I should think so. MRS TARLETON. Come now, Julius-- GUNNER. _[reassuring her gravely]_ Dont you be alarmed, maam. I know what is due to you as a lady and to myself as a gentleman. I regard you with respect and affection. If you had been my mother, as you ought to have been, I should have had more chance. But you shall have no cause to be ashamed of me. The strength of a chain is no greater than its weakest link; but the greatness of a poet is the greatness of his greatest moment. Shakespear used to get drunk. Frederick the Great ran away from a battle. But it was what they could rise to, not what they could sink to, that made them great. They werent good always; but they were good on their day. Well, on my day--on my day, mind you--I'm good for something too. I know that Ive made a silly exhibition of myself here. I know I didnt rise to the occasion. I know that if youd been my mother, youd have been ashamed of me. I lost my presence of mind: I was a contemptible coward. But _[slapping himself on the chest]_ I'm not the man I was then. This is my day. Ive seen the tenth possessor of a foolish face carried out kicking and screaming by a woman. _[To Percival]_ You crowed pretty big over me. You hypnotized me. But when you were put through the fire yourself, you were found wanting. I tell you straight I dont give a damn for you. MRS TARLETON. No: thats naughty. You shouldnt say that before me. GUNNER. I would cut my tongue out sooner than say anything vulgar in your presence; for I regard you with respect and affection. I was not swearing. I was affirming my manhood. MRS TARLETON. What an idea! What puts all these things into your head? GUNNER. Oh, dont you think, because I'm a clerk, that I'm not one of the intellectuals. I'm a reading man, a thinking man. I read in a book--a high class six shilling book--this precept: Affirm your manhood. It appealed to me. Ive always remembered it. I believe in it. I feel I must do it to recover your respect after my cowardly behavior. Therefore I affirm it in your presence. I tell that man who insulted me that I dont give a damn for him. And neither I do. TARLETON. I say, Summerhays: did you have chaps of this sort in Jinghiskahn? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh yes: they exist everywhere: they are a most serious modern problem. GUNNER. Yes. Youre right. _[Conceitedly]_ I'm a problem. And I tell you that when we clerks realize that we're problems! well, look out: thats all. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[suavely, to Gunner]_ You read a great deal, you say? GUNNER. Ive read more than any man in this room, if the truth were known, I expect. Thats whats going to smash up your Capitalism. The problems are beginning to read. Ha! We're free to do that here in England. What would you do with me in Jinghiskahn if you had me there? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Well, since you ask me so directly, I'll tell you. I should take advantage of the fact that you have neither sense enough nor strength enough to know how to behave yourself in a difficulty of any sort. I should warn an intelligent and ambitious policeman that you are a troublesome person. The intelligent and ambitious policeman would take an early opportunity of upsetting your temper by ordering you to move on, and treading on your heels until you were provoked into obstructing an officer in the discharge of his duty. Any trifle of that sort would be sufficient to make a man like you lose your self-possession and put yourself in the wrong. You would then be charged and imprisoned until things quieted down. GUNNER. And you call that justice! LORD SUMMERHAYS. No. Justice was not my business. I had to govern a province; and I took the necessary steps to maintain order in it. Men are not governed by justice, but by law or persuasion. When they refuse to be governed by law or persuasion, they have to be governed by force or fraud, or both. I used both when law and persuasion failed me. Every ruler of men since the world began has done so, even when he has hated both fraud and force as heartily as I do. It is as well that you should know this, my young friend; so that you may recognize in time that anarchism is a game at which the police can beat you. What have you to say to that? GUNNER. What have I to say to it! Well, I call it scandalous: thats what I have to say to it. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Precisely: thats all anybody has to say to it, except the British public, which pretends not to believe it. And now let me ask you a sympathetic personal question. Havnt you a headache? GUNNER. Well, since you ask me, I have. Ive overexcited myself. MRS TARLETON. Poor lad! No wonder, after all youve gone through! You want to eat a little and to lie down. You come with me. I want you to tell me about your poor dear mother and about yourself. Come along with me. _[She leads the way to the inner door]._ GUNNER. _[following her obediently]_ Thank you kindly, madam. _[She goes out. Before passing out after her, he partly closes the door and stops an the landing for a moment to say]_ Mind: I'm not knuckling down to any man here. I knuckle down to Mrs Tarleton because shes a woman in a thousand. I affirm my manhood all the same. Understand: I dont give a damn for the lot of you. _[He hurries out, rather afraid of the consequences of this defiance, which has provoked Johnny to an impatient movement towards him]._ HYPATIA. Thank goodness hes gone! Oh, what a bore! WHAT a bore!!! Talk, talk, talk! TARLETON. Patsy: it's no good. We're going to talk. And we're going to talk about you. JOHNNY. It's no use shirking it, Pat. We'd better know where we are. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Come, Miss Tarleton. Wont you sit down? I'm very tired of standing. _[Hypatia comes from the pavilion and takes a chair at the worktable. Lord Summerhays takes the opposite chair, on her right. Percival takes the chair Johnny placed for Lina on her arrival. Tarleton sits down at the end of the writing table. Johnny remains standing. Lord Summerhays continues, with a sigh of relief at being seated.]_ We shall now get the change of subject we are all pining for. JOHNNY. _[puzzled]_ Whats that? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The great question. The question that men and women will spend hours over without complaining. The question that occupies all the novel readers and all the playgoers. The question they never get tired of. JOHNNY. But what question? LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question which particular young man some young woman will mate with. PERCIVAL. As if it mattered! HYPATIA. _[sharply]_ Whats that you said? PERCIVAL. I said: As if it mattered. HYPATIA. I call that ungentlemanly. PERCIVAL. Do you care about that? you who are so magnificently unladylike! JOHNNY. Look here, Mr Percival: youre not supposed to insult my sister. HYPATIA. Oh, shut up, Johnny. I can take care of myself. Dont you interfere. JOHNNY. Oh, very well. If you choose to give yourself away like that--to allow a man to call you unladylike and then to be unladylike, Ive nothing more to say. HYPATIA. I think Mr Percival is most ungentlemanly; but I wont be protected. I'll not have my affairs interfered with by men on pretence of protecting me. I'm not your baby. If I interfered between you and a woman, you would soon tell me to mind my own business. TARLETON. Children: dont squabble. Read Dr Watts. Behave yourselves. JOHNNY. Ive nothing more to say; and as I dont seem to be wanted here, I shall take myself off. _[He goes out with affected calm through the pavilion]._ TARLETON. Summerhays: a family is an awful thing, an impossible thing. Cat and dog. Patsy: I'm ashamed of you. HYPATIA. I'll make it up with Johnny afterwards; but I really cant have him here sticking his clumsy hoof into my affairs. LORD SUMMERHAYS. The question is, Mr Percival, are you really a gentleman, or are you not? PERCIVAL. Was Napoleon really a gentleman or was he not? He made the lady get out of the way of the porter and said, "Respect the burden, madam." That was behaving like a very fine gentleman; but he kicked Volney for saying that what France wanted was the Bourbons back again. That was behaving rather like a navvy. Now I, like Napoleon, am not all one piece. On occasion, as you have all seen, I can behave like a gentleman. On occasion, I can behave with a brutal simplicity which Miss Tarleton herself could hardly surpass. TARLETON. Gentleman or no gentleman, Patsy: what are your intentions? HYPATIA. My intentions! Surely it's the gentleman who should be asked his intentions. TARLETON. Come now, Patsy! none of that nonsense. Has Mr Percival said anything to you that I ought to know or that Bentley ought to know? Have you said anything to Mr Percival? HYPATIA. Mr Percival chased me through the heather and kissed me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. As a gentleman, Mr Percival, what do you say to that? PERCIVAL. As a gentleman, I do not kiss and tell. As a mere man: a mere cad, if you like, I say that I did so at Miss Tarleton's own suggestion. HYPATIA. Beast! PERCIVAL. I dont deny that I enjoyed it. But I did not initiate it. And I began by running away. TARLETON. So Patsy can run faster than you, can she? PERCIVAL. Yes, when she is in pursuit of me. She runs faster and faster. I run slower and slower. And these woods of yours are full of magic. There was a confounded fern owl. Did you ever hear the churr of a fern owl? Did you ever hear it create a sudden silence by ceasing? Did you ever hear it call its mate by striking its wings together twice and whistling that single note that no nightingale can imitate? That is what happened in the woods when I was running away. So I turned; and the pursuer became the pursued. HYPATIA. I had to fight like a wild cat. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Please dont tell us this. It's not fit for old people to hear. TARLETON. Come: how did it end? HYPATIA. It's not ended yet. TARLETON. How is it going to end? HYPATIA. Ask him. TARLETON. How is it going to end, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. I cant afford to marry, Mr Tarleton. Ive only a thousand a year until my father dies. Two people cant possibly live on that. TARLETON. Oh, cant they? When _I_ married, I should have been jolly glad to have felt sure of the quarter of it. PERCIVAL. No doubt; but I am not a cheap person, Mr Tarleton. I was brought up in a household which cost at least seven or eight times that; and I am in constant money difficulties because I simply dont know how to live on the thousand a year scale. As to ask a woman to share my degrading poverty, it's out of the question. Besides, I'm rather young to marry. I'm only 28. HYPATIA. Papa: buy the brute for me. LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[shrinking]_ My dear Miss Tarleton: dont be so naughty. I know how delightful it is to shock an old man; but there is a point at which it becomes barbarous. Dont. Please dont. HYPATIA. Shall I tell Papa about you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Tarleton: I had better tell you that I once asked your daughter to become my widow. TARLETON. _[to Hypatia]_ Why didnt you accept him, you young idiot? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I was too old. TARLETON. All this has been going on under my nose, I suppose. You run after young men; and old men run after you. And I'm the last person in the world to hear of it. HYPATIA. How could I tell you? LORD SUMMERHAYS. Parents and children, Tarleton. TARLETON. Oh, the gulf that lies between them! the impassable, eternal gulf! And so I'm to buy the brute for you, eh? HYPATIA. If you please, papa. TARLETON. Whats the price, Mr Percival? PERCIVAL. We might do with another fifteen hundred if my father would contribute. But I should like more. TARLETON. It's purely a question of money with you, is it? PERCIVAL. _[after a moment's consideration]_ Practically yes: it turns on that. TARLETON. I thought you might have some sort of preference for Patsy, you know. PERCIVAL. Well, but does that matter, do you think? Patsy fascinates me, no doubt. I apparently fascinate Patsy. But, believe me, all that is not worth considering. One of my three fathers (the priest) has married hundreds of couples: couples selected by one another, couples selected by the parents, couples forced to marry one another by circumstances of one kind or another; and he assures me that if marriages were made by putting all the men's names into one sack and the women's names into another, and having them taken out by a blindfolded child like lottery numbers, there would be just as high a percentage of happy marriages as we have here in England. He said Cupid was nothing but the blindfolded child: pretty idea that, I think! I shall have as good a chance with Patsy as with anyone else. Mind: I'm not bigoted about it. I'm not a doctrinaire: not the slave of a theory. You and Lord Summerhays are experienced married men. If you can tell me of any trustworthy method of selecting a wife, I shall be happy to make use of it. I await your suggestions. _[He looks with polite attention to Lord Summerhays, who, having nothing to say, avoids his eye. He looks to Tarleton, who purses his lips glumly and rattles his money in his pockets without a word]._ Apparently neither of you has anything to suggest. Then Patsy will do as well as another, provided the money is forthcoming. HYPATIA. Oh, you beauty, you beauty! TARLETON. When I married Patsy's mother, I was in love with her. PERCIVAL. For the first time? TARLETON. Yes: for the first time. PERCIVAL. For the last time? LORD SUMMERHAYS. _[revolted]_ Sir: you are in the presence of his daughter. HYPATIA. Oh, dont mind me. I dont care. I'm accustomed to Papa's adventures. TARLETON. _[blushing painfully]_ Patsy, my child: that was not--not delicate. HYPATIA. Well, papa, youve never shewn any delicacy in talking to me about my conduct; and I really dont see why I shouldnt talk to you about yours. It's such nonsense! Do you think young people dont know? LORD SUMMERHAYS. I'm sure they dont feel. Tarleton: this is too horrible, too brutal. If neither of these young people have any--any--any-- PERCIVAL. Shall we say paternal sentimentality? I'm extremely sorry to shock you; but you must remember that Ive been educated to discuss human affairs with three fathers simultaneously. I'm an adult person. Patsy is an adult person. You do not inspire me with veneration. Apparently you do not inspire Patsy with veneration. That may surprise you. It may pain you. I'm sorry. It cant be helped. What about the money? TARLETON. You dont inspire me with generosity, young man. HYPATIA. _[laughing with genuine amusement]_ He had you there, Joey. TARLETON. I havnt been a bad father to you, Patsy. HYPATIA. I dont say you have, dear. If only I could persuade you Ive grown up, we should get along perfectly. TARLETON. Do you remember Bill Burt? HYPATIA. Why? TARLETON. _[to the others]_ Bill Burt was a laborer here. I was going to sack him for kicking his father. He said his father had kicked him until he was big enough to kick back. Patsy begged him off. I asked that man what it felt like the first time he kicked his father, and found that it was just like kicking any other man. He laughed and said that it was the old man that knew what it felt like. Think of that, Summerhays! think of that! HYPATIA. I havnt kicked you, papa. TARLETON. Youve kicked me harder than Bill Burt ever kicked. LORD SUMMERHAYS. It's no use, Tarleton. Spare yourself. Do you seriously expect these young people, at their age, to sympathize with what this gentleman calls your paternal sentimentality? TARLETON. _[wistfully]_ Is it nothing to you but paternal sentimentality, Patsy? HYPATIA. Well, I greatly prefer your superabundant vitality, papa. TARLETON. _[violently]_ Hold your tongue, you young devil. The young are all alike: hard, coarse, shallow, cruel, selfish, dirty-minded. You can clear out of my house as soon as you can coax him to take you; and the sooner the better. _[To Percival]_ I think you said your price was fifteen hundred a year. Take it. And I wish you joy of your bargain. PERCIVAL. If you wish to know who I am-- TARLETON. I dont care a tinker's curse who you are or what you are. Youre willing to take that girl off my hands for fifteen hundred a year: thats all that concerns me. Tell her who you are if you like: it's her affair,

obstructing

How many times the word 'obstructing' appears in the text?

Dorante: venez voir votre fille vous ob ir avec plus de joie qu'on n'en eut jamais. DORANTE. Qu'entends-je! vous, son p re, Monsieur? SILVIA. Oui, Dorante. La m me id e de nous conno tre nous est venue tous deux; apr s cela, je n'ai plus rien vous dire. Vous m'aimez, je n'en saurais douter; mais, votre tour, jugez de mes sentiments pour vous; jugez du cas que j'ai fait de votre coeur par la d licatesse avec laquelle j'ai t ch de l'acqu rir. M. ORGON. Connoissez-vous cette lettre-l ? Voil par o j'ai appris votre d guisement, qu'elle n'a pourtant su que par vous. DORANTE. Je ne saurais vous exprimer mon bonheur, Madame;[253] mais ce qui m'enchante le plus, ce sont les preuves que je vous ai donn es de ma tendresse. MARIO. Dorante me pardonne-t-il la col re o j'ai mis Bourguignon? DORANTE. Il ne vous la pardonne pas, il vous en remercie. ARLEQUIN. De la joie, Madame: vous avez perdu votre rang; mais vous n' tes point plaindre, puisqu'Arlequin vous reste. LISETTE. Belle consolation! il n'y a que toi qui gagne cela. ARLEQUIN. Je n'y perds pas. Avant notre reconnoissance, votre dot valoit mieux que vous; pr sent, vous valez mieux que votre dot. Allons, saute, marquis![254] * * * * * LE LEGS COM DIE EN UN ACTE, EN PROSE ACTEURS. LA COMTESSE. LE MARQUIS. HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. LISETTE,[1] suivante de la Comtesse. L PINE,[2] valet de chambre du Marquis. SC NE PREMI RE. LE CHEVALIER, HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. La d marche que vous allez faire aupr s du Marquis m'alarme. HORTENSE. Je ne risque rien, vous dis-je. Raisonnons. D funt son parent et le mien lui laisse six cent mille francs, la charge, il est vrai, de m' pouser ou de m'en donner deux cent mille: cela est son choix; mais le Marquis ne sent rien pour moi. Je suis s re qu'il a de l'inclination pour la Comtesse; d'ailleurs, il est d j assez riche par lui-m me: voil encore une succession de six cent mille francs qui lui vient, laquelle il ne s'attendoit pas; et vous croyez que, plut t que d'en distraire deux cent mille, il aimera mieux m' pouser, moi qui lui suis indiff rente, pendant qu'il a de l'amour pour la Comtesse, qui peut- tre ne le hait pas, et qui a plus de bien que moi? Il n'y a pas d'apparence. LE CHEVALIER. Mais quoi jugez-vous que la Comtesse ne le hait pas? HORTENSE. A mille petites remarques que je fais tous les jours, et je n'en suis pas surprise. Du caract re dont elle est, celui du Marquis doit tre de son go t. La Comtesse est une femme brusque, qui aime primer, gouverner, tre la ma tresse. Le Marquis est un homme doux, paisible, ais conduire; et voil ce qu'il faut la Comtesse. Aussi ne parle-t-elle de lui qu'avec loge. Son air de na vet lui pla t: c'est, dit-elle, le meilleur homme, le plus complaisant, le plus sociable. D'ailleurs, le Marquis est d'un ge qui lui convient; elle n'est plus de cette grande jeunesse:[3] il a trente-cinq ou quarante ans, et je vois bien qu'elle seroit charm e de vivre avec lui. LE CHEVALIER. J'ai peur que l' v nement[4] ne vous trompe. Ce n'est pas un petit objet que deux cent mille francs qu'il faudra qu'on vous donne si l'on ne vous pouse pas; et puis, quand le Marquis et la Comtesse s'aimeroient, de l'humeur dont ils sont tous deux, ils auront bien de la peine se le dire. HORTENSE. Oh! moyennant[5] l'embarras o je vais jeter le Marquis, il faudra bien qu'il parle; et je veux savoir quoi m'en tenir. Depuis le temps que nous sommes cette campagne,[6] chez la Comtesse, il ne me dit rien. Il y a six semaines qu'il se tait; je veux qu'il s'explique. Je ne perdrai pas le legs qui me revient si je n' pouse point le Marquis. LE CHEVALIER. Mais s'il accepte votre main? HORTENSE. Eh! non! vous dis-je. Laissez-moi faire. Je crois qu'il esp re que ce sera moi qui le refuserai. Peut- tre m me feindra-t-il de consentir notre union; mais que cela ne vous pouvante pas. Vous n' tes point assez riche pour m' pouser avec deux cent mille francs de moins: je suis bien aise de vous les apporter en mariage. Je suis persuad e que la Comtesse et le Marquis ne se ha ssent pas. Voyons ce que me diront l -dessus L pine et Lisette, qui vont venir me parler. L'un, est un Gascon froid,[7] mais adroit; Lisette a de l'esprit. Je sais qu'ils ont tous deux la confiance de leurs ma tres; je les int resserai m'instruire, et tout ira bien. Les voil qui viennent. Retirez-vous. SC NE II. LISETTE, L PINE, HORTENSE. HORTENSE. Venez, Lisette; approchez. LISETTE. Que souhaitez-vous de nous, Madame? HORTENSE. Rien que vous ne puissiez me dire sans blesser la fid lit que vous devez, vous au Marquis, et vous la Comtesse. LISETTE. Tant mieux, Madame. L PINE. Ce d but encourage. Nos services vous sont acquis. HORTENSE, _tire quelque argent de sa poche._ Tenez, Lisette, tout service m rite r compense. LISETTE, _refusant d'abord._ Du moins, Madame, faudroit-il savoir auparavant de quoi il s'agit. HORTENSE. Prenez; je vous le donne, quoi qu'il arrive. Voil pour vous, monsieur de L pine.[8] L PINE. Madame, je serois volontiers de l'avis de Mademoiselle; mais je prends. Le respect d fend que je raisonne. HORTENSE. Je ne pr tends vous engager en rien, et voici de quoi il est question. Le Marquis, votre ma tre, vous estime, L pine? L PINE, _froidement._ Extr mement, Madame; il me conno t. HORTENSE. Je remarque qu'il vous confie ais ment ce qu'il pense. L PINE. Oui. Madame, de toutes ses pens es incontinent[9] j'en ai copie; il n'en sait pas le compte mieux que moi. HORTENSE. Vous, Lisette, vous tes sur le m me ton[10] avec la Comtesse? LISETTE. J'ai cet honneur-l , Madame. HORTENSE. Dites-moi, L pine, je me figure que le Marquis aime la Comtesse. Me tromp -je? Il n'y a point d'inconv nient me dire ce qui en est. L PINE. Je n'affirme rien; mais patience: nous devons ce soir nous entretenir l -dessus. HORTENSE. Eh! soup onnez-vous qu'il l'aime? L PINE. De soup ons,[11] j'en ai de violents. Je m'en claircirai tant t. HORTENSE. Et vous, Lisette, quel est votre sentiment sur la Comtesse? LISETTE. Qu'elle ne songe point du tout au Marquis, Madame. L PINE. Je diff re avec vous de pens e.[12] HORTENSE. Je crois aussi qu'ils s'aiment. Et supposons que je ne me trompe pas: du caract re dont ils sont, ils auront de la peine s'en parler. Vous, L pine, voudriez-vous exciter le Marquis le d clarer la Comtesse? Et vous, Lisette, disposer la Comtesse se l'entendre dire? Ce sera une industrie fort innocente. L PINE. Et m me louable. LISETTE, _rendant l'argent._ Madame, permettez que je vous rende votre argent. HORTENSE, Gardez. D'o vient?[13] LISETTE. C'est qu'il me semble que voil , pr cis ment le service que vous exigez de moi, et c'est pr cis ment celui que je ne puis vous rendre. Ma ma tresse est veuve, elle est tranquille; son tat est heureux; ce seroit dommage de l'en tirer: je prie le Ciel qu'elle y reste. L PINE, _froidement._ Quant moi, je garde mon lot: rien ne m'oblige restitution. J'ai la volont de vous tre utile. Monsieur le Marquis vit dans le c libat; mais le mariage, il est bon, tr s bon; il a ses peines: chaque tat a les siennes; quelquefois le mien me p se. Le tout est gal.[14] Oui, je vous servirai, Madame, je vous servirai; je n'y vois point de mal. On s' pouse de tout temps, on s' pousera toujours; on n'a que cette honn te ressource quand on aime. HORTENSE. Vous me surprenez, Lisette, d'autant plus que je m'imaginois que vous pouviez vous aimer tous deux. LISETTE. C'est de quoi il n'est pas question de ma part. L PINE. De la mienne, j'en suis demeur l'estime. N anmoins, Mademoiselle est aimable; mais j'ai pass mon chemin sans y prendre garde. LISETTE. J'esp re que vous penserez toujours de m me. HORTENSE. Voil ce que j'avois vous dire. Adieu, Lisette; vous ferez ce qu'il vous plaira. Je ne vous demande que le secret. J'accepte vos services, L pine. SC NE III. L PINE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Nous n'avons rien nous dire, mons[15] de L pine. J'ai affaire, et je vous laisse. L PINE. Doucement, Mademoiselle; retardez d'un moment. Je trouve propos de vous informer d'un petit accident qui m'arrive. LISETTE. Voyons. L PINE. D'homme d'honneur,[16] je n'avois pas envisag vos gr ces; je ne connoissois pas votre mine. LISETTE. Qu'importe? Je vous en offre autant:[17] c'est tout au plus si je connois actuellement la v tre.[18] L PINE. Cette dame se figuroit que nous nous aimions. LISETTE. Eh bien! elle se figuroit mal. L PINE. Attendez, voici l'accident: son discours a fait que mes yeux se sont arr t s dessus[19] vous plus attentivement que de coutume. LISETTE. Vos yeux ont pris bien de la peine. L PINE. Et vous tes jolie, sandis![20] oh! tr s jolie! LISETTE. Ma foi, monsieur de L pine, vous tes tr s galant, oh! tr s galant. Mais l'ennui me prend d s qu'on me loue. Abr geons; est-ce l tout? L PINE. A mon exemple, envisagez-moi, je vous prie; faites-en l' preuve. LISETTE. Oui-da![21] Tenez, je vous regarde. L PINE. Eh donc! Est-ce l ce L pine que vous connoissiez? N'y voyez-vous rien[22] de nouveau? Que vous dit le coeur? LISETTE. Pas le mot; il n'y a rien l pour lui. L PINE. Quelquefois pourtant nombre de gens ont estim que j' tois un gar on assez revenant;[23] mais nous y retournerons: c'est partie remettre. coutez le restant. Il est certain que mon ma tre distingue[24] tendrement votre ma tresse. Aujourd'hui m me il m'a confi qu'il m ditoit de vous communiquer ses sentiments. LISETTE. Comme il lui plaira. La r ponse que j'aurai l'honneur de lui communiquer sera courte. L PINE. Remarquons d'abondance[25] que la Comtesse se pla t avec mon ma tre, qu'elle a l' me joyeuse en le voyant. Vous me direz que nos gens[26] sont d' tranges personnes, et je vous l'accorde. Le Marquis, homme tout simple, peu hasardeux dans le discours, n'osera jamais aventurer la d claration, et, des d clarations, la Comtesse les pouvante:[27] femme qui n glige les compliments, qui vous parle entre l'aigre et le doux, et dont l'entretien a je ne sais quoi de sec, de froid, de purement raisonnable. Le moyen que l'amour puisse tre mis en avant avec cette femme! Il ne sera jamais propos de lui dire: Je vous aime, moins qu'on ne lui dise[28] propos de rien. Cette mati re, avec elle, ne peut tomber que des nues. On dit qu'elle traite l'amour de bagatelle d'enfant; moi, je pr tends qu'elle a pris go t cette enfance.[29] Dans cette conjoncture, j'opine que nous encouragions ces deux personnages. Qu'en sera-t-il?[30] Qu'ils s'aimeront bonnement, en toute simplesse,[31] et qu'ils s' pouseront de m me. Qu'en sera-t-il? Qu'en me voyant votre camarade, vous me rendrez votre mari par la douce habitude de me voir. Eh donc! Parlez: tes-vous d'accord? LISETTE. Non. L PINE. Mademoiselle, est-ce mon amour qui vous d pla t? LISETTE. Oui. L PINE. En peu de mots vous dites beaucoup. Mais consid rez l'occurrence:[32] je vous pr dis que nos ma tres se marieront: que la commodit vous tente.[33] LISETTE. Je vous pr dis qu'ils ne se marieront point: je ne veux pas, moi. Ma ma tresse, comme vous dites fort habilement, tient l'amour au-dessous d'elle, et j'aurai soin de l'entretenir dans cette humeur, attendu qu'il n'est pas de mon petit int r t qu'elle se marie. Ma condition n'en seroit pas si bonne, entendez-vous? Il n'y a pas d'apparence que la Comtesse y gagne, et moi j'y perdrais beaucoup. J'ai fait un petit calcul l -dessus, au moyen duquel je trouve que tous vos arrangements me d rangent et ne me valent rien.[34] Ainsi, quelque jolie que je sois, continuez de n'en rien voir; laissez-la la d couverte que vous avez faite de mes gr ces, et passez toujours sans y prendre garde. L PINE, _froidement._ Je les ai vues, Mademoiselle; j'en suis frapp , et n'ai de rem de que votre coeur. LISETTE. Tenez-vous donc pour incurable. L PINE. Me donnez-vous votre dernier mot? LISETTE. Je n'y changerai pas une syllabe. (_Elle veut s'en aller._) L PINE, _l'arr tant_. Permettez que je reparte.[35] Vous calculez, moi de m me. Selon vous, il ne faut pas que nos gens se marient; il faut qu'ils s' pousent, selon moi: je le pr tends. LISETTE. Mauvaise gasconnade! L PINE. Patience. Je vous aime, et vous me refusez le r ciproque? Je calcule qu'il me fait besoin,[36] et je l'aurai, sandis![37] Je le pr tends. LISETTE. Vous ne l'aurez pas, sandis! L PINE. J'ai tout dit. Laissez parler mon ma tre, qui nous arrive. SC NE IV. LE MARQUIS, L PINE, LISETTE. LE MARQUIS. Ah! vous voici, Lisette! Je suis bien aise de vous trouver. LISETTE. Je vous suis oblig e, Monsieur; mais je m'en allois. LE MARQUIS. Vous vous en alliez? J'avois pourtant quelque chose vous dire. tes-vous un peu de nos amis? L PINE. Petitement. LISETTE. J'ai beaucoup d'estime et de respect pour monsieur le Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Tout de bon? Vous me faites plaisir, Lisette. Je fais beaucoup de cas de vous aussi; vous me paroissez une tr s bonne fille, et vous tes une ma tresse qui a bien du m rite. LISETTE. Il y a longtemps que je le sais, Monsieur. LE MARQUIS. Ne vous parle-t-elle jamais de moi? Que vous en dit-elle? LISETTE. Oh! rien. LE MARQUIS. C'est que, entre nous, il n'y a point de femme que j'aime tant qu'elle. LISETTE. Qu'appelez-vous aimer, monsieur le Marquis? Est-ce de l'amour que vous entendez? LE MARQUIS. Eh! mais oui, de l'amour, de l'inclination, comme tu voudras: le nom n'y fait rien. Je l'aime mieux qu'une autre.[38] Voil tout. LISETTE. Cela se peut. LE MARQUIS. Mais elle n'en sait rien; je n'ai pas os le lui apprendre. Je n'ai pas trop le talent de parler d'amour. LISETTE. C'est ce qui me semble. LE MARQUIS. Oui, cela m'embarrasse; et, comme ta ma tresse est une femme fort raisonnable, j'ai peur qu'elle ne se moque de moi, et je ne saurois plus que lui dire: de sorte que j'ai r v qu'il seroit bon que tu la pr vinsses en ma faveur. LISETTE. Je vous demande pardon, Monsieur; mais il falloit r ver tout le contraire. Je ne puis rien pour vous, en v rit . LE MARQUIS. Eh! d'o vient?[39] Je t'aurai grande obligation. Je payerai bien tes peines. (_Montrant L pine._) Et, si ce gar on-l te convenoit, je vous ferois un fort bon parti[40] tous les deux. L PINE, _froidement, et sans regarder Lisette_. Derechef,[41] recueillez-vous l -dessus, Mademoiselle. LISETTE. Il n'y a pas moyen, monsieur le Marquis. Si je parlois de vos sentiments ma ma tresse, vous avez beau dire que le nom n'y fait rien, je me brouillerais[42] avec elle; je vous y brouillerais vous-m me. Ne la connoissez-vous pas? LE MARQUIS. Tu crois donc qu'il n'y a rien faire? LISETTE. Absolument rien. LE MARQUIS. Tant pis. Cela me chagrine. Elle me fait tant d'amiti ,[43] cette femme! Allons, il ne faut donc plus y penser. L PINE, _froidement_. Monsieur, ne vous d confortez[44] pas. Du r cit de Mademoiselle, n'en tenez compte;[45] elle vous triche. Retirons-nous. Venez me consulter l' cart; je serai plus consolant. Partons. LE MARQUIS. Viens. Voyons ce que tu as me dire. Adieu, Lisette. Ne me nuis pas, voil tout ce que j'exige. SC NE V. L PINE, LISETTE. L PINE. N'exigez rien: ne g nons point Mademoiselle. Soyons galamment ennemis d clar s; faisons-nous du mal en toute franchise. Adieu, gentille personne. Je vous ch ris ni plus ni moins: gardez-moi votre coeur: c'est un d p t que je vous laisse. LISETTE. Adieu, mon pauvre L pine. Vous tes peut- tre de tous les fous de la Garonne[46] le plus effront , mais aussi le plus divertissant. SC NE VI. LA COMTESSE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Voici ma ma tresse. De l'humeur dont elle est, je crois que cet amour-ci ne la divertira gu re. Gare[47] que le Marquis ne soit bient t cong di ! LA COMTESSE, _tenant une lettre_. Tenez, Lisette, dites qu'on porte cette lettre la poste. En voil dix que j' cris depuis trois semaines. La sotte chose qu'un proc s! Que j'en suis lasse! Je ne m' tonne pas s'il y a tant de femmes qui se marient! LISETTE, _riant_. Bon! votre proc s! une affaire de mille francs! Voil quelque chose de bien consid rable pour vous! Avez-vous envie de vous remarier? J'ai votre affaire. LA COMTESSE. Qu'est-ce que c'est qu'envie de me remarier? Pourquoi me dites-vous cela? LISETTE. Ne vous f chez pas; je ne veux que vous divertir. LA COMTESSE. Ce pourrait tre quelqu'un de Paris qui vous auroit fait une confidence. En tout cas, ne me le nommez pas. LISETTE. Oh! il faut pourtant que vous connoissiez celui dont je parle. LA COMTESSE. Brisons l -dessus. Je r ve une chose: le Marquis n'a ici qu'un valet de chambre, dont il a peut- tre besoin, et je voulois lui demander s'il n'a pas quelque paquet mettre la poste: on le porteroit avec le mien. O est-il, le Marquis? L'as-tu vu ce matin? LISETTE. Oh! oui. Malepeste![48] il a ses raisons pour tre veill de bonne heure! Revenons au mari que j'ai vous donner, celui qui br le pour vous et que vous avez enflamm de passion... LA COMTESSE. Qui est ce ben t-l ? LISETTE. Vous le devinez. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui br le est un sot. Je ne veux rien savoir de Paris. LISETTE. Ce n'est point de Paris: votre conqu te est dans le ch teau. Vous l'appellez ben t; moi, je vais le flatter: c'est un soupirant qui a l'air fort simple, un air de bon homme. Y tes-vous? LA COMTESSE. Nullement. Qui est-ce qui ressemble celui-ci? LISETTE. Eh! le Marquis. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui est avec nous? LISETTE. Lui-m me. LA COMTESSE. Je n'avois garde d'y tre.[49] O as-tu pris son air simple et de bon homme? Dis donc un air franc et ouvert, la bonne heure: il sera reconnoissable. LISETTE. Ma foi, Madame, je vous le rends comme je le vois. LA COMTESSE. Tu le vois tr s mal, on ne peut pas plus mal: en mille ans on ne le devineroit pas ce portrait-l . Mais de qui tiens-tu ce que tu me contes de son amour? LISETTE. De lui, qui me l'a dit; rien que cela. N'en riez-vous pas? Ne faites pas semblant de le savoir. Au reste, il n'y a qu' vous en d faire tout doucement. LA COMTESSE. H las! je ne lui en veux point de mal.[50] C'est un fort honn te homme, un homme dont je fais cas, qui a d'excellentes qualit s; et j'aime encore mieux que ce soit lui qu'un autre. Mais ne te trompes-tu pas aussi? Il ne t'aura peut- tre parl que d'estime: il en a beaucoup pour moi, beaucoup; il me l'a marqu e en mille occasions d'une mani re fort obligeante. LISETTE. Non, Madame, c'est de l'amour qui regarde vos appas; il en a prononc le mot sans bredouiller comme l'ordinaire. C'est de la flamme... Il languit, il soupire. LA COMTESSE. Est-il possible? Sur ce pied-l , je le plains, car ce n'est pas un tourdi: il faut qu'il le sente, puisqu'il le dit; et ce n'est pas de ces gens-l dont[51] je me moque: jamais leur amour n'est ridicule. Mais il n'osera m'en parler, n'est-ce pas? LISETTE. Oh! ne craignez rien! j'y ai mis bon ordre:[52] il ne s'y jouera pas.[53] Je lui ai t toute esp rance. N'ai-je pas bien fait? LA COMTESSE. Mais oui, sans doute, oui, pourvu que vous ne l'ayez pas brusqu , pourtant. Il falloit y prendre garde: c'est un ami que je veux conserver. Et vous avez quelquefois le ton dur et rev che, Lisette; il valoit mieux le laisser dire. LISETTE. Point du tout. Il vouloit que je vous parlasse en sa faveur. LA COMTESSE. Ce pauvre homme! LISETTE. Et je lui ai r pondu que je ne pouvois pas m'en m ler, que je me brouillerais avec vous si je vous en parlois, que vous me donneriez mon cong , que vous lui donneriez le sien. LA COMTESSE. Le sien. Quelle grossi ret ! Ah! que c'est mal parler! Son cong ? Et m me est-ce que je vous aurois donn le v tre? Vous savez bien que non. D'o vient[54] mentir, Lisette? C'est un ennemi que vous m'allez faire d'un des hommes du monde que je consid re le plus et qui le m rite le mieux. Quel sot langage de domestique! Eh! il toit si simple de vous tenir[55] lui dire: Monsieur, je ne saurois; ce ne sont pas l mes affaires. Parlez-en vous-m me. Et je voudrais qu'il os t m'en parler, pour racommoder un peu votre malhonn tet . Son cong ! son cong ! Il va se croire insult . LISETTE. Eh non, Madame; il toit impossible de vous en d barrasser moins de frais. Faut-il que vous l'aimiez, de peur de le f cher? Voulez-vous tre sa femme par politesse, lui qui doit pouser Hortense? Je ne lui ai rien dit de trop; et vous en voil quitte. Mais je l'aper ois qui vient en r vant. vitez-le, vous avez le temps. LA COMTESSE. L' viter, lui qui me voit! Ah! je m'en garderai bien. Apr s les discours que vous lui avez tenus, il croirait que je les ai dict s. Non, non, je ne changerai rien ma fa on de vivre avec lui. Allez porter ma lettre. LISETTE, _ part_. Hum! il y a ici quelque chose. (_Haut_.) Madame, je suis d'avis de rester aupr s de vous. Cela m'arrive souvent, et vous en serez plus l'abri d'une d claration. LA COMTESSE. Belle finesse! Quand je lui chapperois aujourd'hui, ne me trouvera-t-il pas demain? Il faudrait donc vous avoir toujours mes c t s? Non, non. Partez. S'il me parle, je sais r pondre. LISETTE. Je suis vous dans l'instant; je n'ai qu' donner cette lettre un laquais. LA COMTESSE. Non, Lisette: c'est une lettre de cons quence, et vous me ferez plaisir de la porter vous-m me, parce que, si le courier est pass , vous me la rapporterez, et je l'enverrai par une autre voie. Je ne me fie point aux valets: ils ne sont point exacts. LISETTE. Le courrier ne passe que dans deux heures, Madame. LA COMTESSE. Eh! allez, vous dis-je. Que sait-on? LISETTE, _ part_. Quel pr texte! (_Haut_.) Cette femme-l ne va pas droit avec moi. SC NE VII. LA COMTESSE, _seule_. Elle avoit la fureur de rester. Les domestiques sont ha ssables; il n'y a pas jusqu' leur z le qui ne vous d soblige. C'est toujours de travers qu'ils vous servent. SC NE VIII. LA COMTESSE, L PINE. L PINE. Madame, monsieur le Marquis vous a vue[56] de loin avec Lisette. Il demande s'il n'y a point de mal qu'il approche; il a le d sir de vous consulter, mais il se fait le scrupule[57] de vous tre importun. LA COMTESSE. Lui importun! Il ne sauroit l' tre. Dites-lui que je l'attends, L pine; qu'il vienne. L PINE. Je vais le r jouir de la nouvelle. Vous l'allez voir dans la minute. SC NE IX. L PINE, LE MARQUIS. L PINE, _appelant le Marquis_. Monsieur, venez prendre audience. Madame l'accorde. (_Quand le Marquis est venu, il lui dit part:_) Courage, Monsieur! l'accueil est gracieux, presque tendre: c'est un coeur qui demande qu'on le prenne. SC NE X. LA COMTESSE, LE MARQUIS. LA COMTESSE. Eh! d'o vient donc la c r monie que vous faites, Marquis?... Vous n'y songez pas.[58] LE MARQUIS. Madame, vous avez bien de la bont ... C'est que j'ai bien des choses vous dire. LA COMTESSE. Effectivement, vous me paroissez r veur, inquiet. LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai l'esprit en peine. J'ai besoin de conseil, j'ai besoin de gr ces, et le tout de votre part. LA COMTESSE. Tant mieux. Vous avez encore moins besoin de tout cela que je n'ai d'envie de vous tre bonne quelque chose. LE MARQUIS. O bonne! Il ne tient qu' vous de m' tre excellente, si vous voulez. LA COMTESSE. Comment, si je veux? Manquez-vous de confiance? Ah! je vous prie, ne me m nagez point. Vous pouvez tout sur moi, Marquis; je suis bien aise de vous le dire. LE MARQUIS. Cette assurance m'est bien agr able, et je serois tent d'en abuser. LA COMTESSE. J'ai grand'peur que vous ne r sistiez la tentation. Vous ne comptez pas assez sur vos amis, car vous tes si r serv , si retenu... LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai beaucoup de timidit . LA COMTESSE. Je fais de mon mieux pour vous l' ter, comme vous voyez. LE MARQUIS. Vous savez dans quelle situation je suis avec Hortense; que je dois l' pouser ou lui donner deux cent mille francs. LA COMTESSE. Oui, et je me suis aper ue que vous n'aviez pas grand go t pour elle. LE MARQUIS. Oh! on ne peut pas moins.[59] Je ne l'aime point du tout. LA COMTESSE. Je n'en suis pas surprise: son caract re est si diff rent du v tre! Elle a quelque chose de trop arrang [60] pour vous. LE MARQUIS. Vous y tes. Elle songe trop ses gr ces. Il faudroit toujours l'entretenir de compliments, et moi, ce n'est pas l mon fort. La coquetterie me g ne, elle me rend muet. LA COMTESSE. Ah! ah! je conviens qu'elle en a un peu; mais presque toutes les femmes sont de m me. Vous ne trouverez que cela partout, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Hors chez vous. Quelle diff rence, par exemple! Vous plaisez sans y penser. Ce n'est pas votre faute: vous ne savez pas seulement que vous tes aimable; mais d'autres le savent pour vous. LA COMTESSE. Moi, Marquis, je pense qu' cet gard-l les autres songent aussi peu moi que j'y songe moi-m me. LE MARQUIS. Oh! j'en connois qui ne vous disent pas tout ce qu'ils songent. LA COMTESSE. Eh! qui sont-ils, Marquis? Quelques amis comme vous, sans doute. LE MARQUIS. Bon, des amis! Voil bien de quoi! Vous n'en aurez encore de longtemps.[61] LA COMTESSE. Je vous suis oblig e du petit compliment que vous me faites en passant. LE MARQUIS. Point du tout. Je ne passe jamais, moi; je dis toujours expr s. LA COMTESSE, _riant_. Comment! vous qui ne voulez pas que j'aie encore des amis, est-ce que vous n' tes pas le mien? LE MARQUIS. Vous m'excuserez; mais, quand je serois autre chose,[62] il n'y auroit rien de surprenant. LA COMTESSE. Eh bien! je ne laisserois pas que d'en tre surprise.[63] LE MARQUIS. Et encore plus f ch e. LA COMTESSE. En v rit , surprise. Je veux pourtant croire que je suis aimable, puisque vous le dites. LE MARQUIS. O charmante! Et je serois bien heureux si Hortense vous ressembloit. Je l' pouserois d'un grand coeur, et j'ai bien de la peine m'y r soudre. LA COMTESSE. Je le crois, et ce seroit encore pis si vous aviez de l'inclination pour une autre. LE MARQUIS. Eh bien! c'est que justement le pis s'y trouve. LA COMTESSE, _par exclamation_. Oui? Vous aimez ailleurs? LE MARQUIS. De toute mon me. LA COMTESSE, _en souriant_. Je m'en suis dout e, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Et vous tes-vous dout e de la personne? LA COMTESSE. Non, mais vous me la direz. LE MARQUIS. Vous me feriez grand plaisir de la deviner. LA COMTESSE. Eh! pourquoi m'en donneriez-vous la peine, puisque vous voil ? LE MARQUIS. C'est que vous ne connoissez qu'elle:[64] c'est la plus aimable femme, la plus franche. Vous parlez de gens sans fa on: il n'y a personne comme elle; plus je la vois, plus je l'admire. LA COMTESSE. pousez-la, Marquis, pousez-la, et laissez l Hortense. Il n'y a point h siter: vous n'avez point d'autre parti prendre. LE MARQUIS. Oui, mais je songe une chose... N'y auroit-il pas moyen de me sauver les deux cent mille francs? Je vous parle coeur ouvert. LA COMTESSE. Regardez-moi dans cette occasion-ci comme une autre vous-m me. LE MARQUIS. Ah! que c'est bien dit! une autre moi-m me! LA COMTESSE. Ce qui me pla t en vous, c'est votre franchise, qui est une qualit admirable. Revenons. Comment vous sauver ces deux cent mille francs? LE MARQUIS. C'est que Hortense aime le Chevalier. Mais, propos, c'est votre parent? LA COMTESSE. Oh! parent de loin. LE MARQUIS. Or, de cet amour qu'elle a pour lui, je conclus qu'elle ne se soucie pas de moi. Je n'ai donc qu' faire semblant de vouloir l' pouser. Elle me refusera, et je ne lui devrai plus rien. Son refus me servira de quittance. LA COMTESSE. Oui-da,[65] vous pouvez le tenter. Ce n'est pas qu'il n'y ait du risque:[66] elle a du discernement, Marquis, Vous supposez qu'elle vous refusera; je n'en sais rien: vous n' tes pas homme d daigner. LE MARQUIS. Est-il vrai? LA COMTESSE. C'est mon sentiment. LE MARQUIS. Vous me flattez; vous encouragez ma franchise. LA COMTESSE. Je vous encourage! Eh! mais en tes-vous encore l ? Mettez-vous donc dans l'esprit que je ne demande qu' vous obliger, qu'il n'y a que l'impossible qui m'arr tera, et que vous devez compter sur tout ce qui d pendra de moi. Ne perdez point cela de vue, trange homme que vous tes, et achevez hardiment. Vous voulez des conseils, je vous en

mon

How many times the word 'mon' appears in the text?

Dorante: venez voir votre fille vous ob ir avec plus de joie qu'on n'en eut jamais. DORANTE. Qu'entends-je! vous, son p re, Monsieur? SILVIA. Oui, Dorante. La m me id e de nous conno tre nous est venue tous deux; apr s cela, je n'ai plus rien vous dire. Vous m'aimez, je n'en saurais douter; mais, votre tour, jugez de mes sentiments pour vous; jugez du cas que j'ai fait de votre coeur par la d licatesse avec laquelle j'ai t ch de l'acqu rir. M. ORGON. Connoissez-vous cette lettre-l ? Voil par o j'ai appris votre d guisement, qu'elle n'a pourtant su que par vous. DORANTE. Je ne saurais vous exprimer mon bonheur, Madame;[253] mais ce qui m'enchante le plus, ce sont les preuves que je vous ai donn es de ma tendresse. MARIO. Dorante me pardonne-t-il la col re o j'ai mis Bourguignon? DORANTE. Il ne vous la pardonne pas, il vous en remercie. ARLEQUIN. De la joie, Madame: vous avez perdu votre rang; mais vous n' tes point plaindre, puisqu'Arlequin vous reste. LISETTE. Belle consolation! il n'y a que toi qui gagne cela. ARLEQUIN. Je n'y perds pas. Avant notre reconnoissance, votre dot valoit mieux que vous; pr sent, vous valez mieux que votre dot. Allons, saute, marquis![254] * * * * * LE LEGS COM DIE EN UN ACTE, EN PROSE ACTEURS. LA COMTESSE. LE MARQUIS. HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. LISETTE,[1] suivante de la Comtesse. L PINE,[2] valet de chambre du Marquis. SC NE PREMI RE. LE CHEVALIER, HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. La d marche que vous allez faire aupr s du Marquis m'alarme. HORTENSE. Je ne risque rien, vous dis-je. Raisonnons. D funt son parent et le mien lui laisse six cent mille francs, la charge, il est vrai, de m' pouser ou de m'en donner deux cent mille: cela est son choix; mais le Marquis ne sent rien pour moi. Je suis s re qu'il a de l'inclination pour la Comtesse; d'ailleurs, il est d j assez riche par lui-m me: voil encore une succession de six cent mille francs qui lui vient, laquelle il ne s'attendoit pas; et vous croyez que, plut t que d'en distraire deux cent mille, il aimera mieux m' pouser, moi qui lui suis indiff rente, pendant qu'il a de l'amour pour la Comtesse, qui peut- tre ne le hait pas, et qui a plus de bien que moi? Il n'y a pas d'apparence. LE CHEVALIER. Mais quoi jugez-vous que la Comtesse ne le hait pas? HORTENSE. A mille petites remarques que je fais tous les jours, et je n'en suis pas surprise. Du caract re dont elle est, celui du Marquis doit tre de son go t. La Comtesse est une femme brusque, qui aime primer, gouverner, tre la ma tresse. Le Marquis est un homme doux, paisible, ais conduire; et voil ce qu'il faut la Comtesse. Aussi ne parle-t-elle de lui qu'avec loge. Son air de na vet lui pla t: c'est, dit-elle, le meilleur homme, le plus complaisant, le plus sociable. D'ailleurs, le Marquis est d'un ge qui lui convient; elle n'est plus de cette grande jeunesse:[3] il a trente-cinq ou quarante ans, et je vois bien qu'elle seroit charm e de vivre avec lui. LE CHEVALIER. J'ai peur que l' v nement[4] ne vous trompe. Ce n'est pas un petit objet que deux cent mille francs qu'il faudra qu'on vous donne si l'on ne vous pouse pas; et puis, quand le Marquis et la Comtesse s'aimeroient, de l'humeur dont ils sont tous deux, ils auront bien de la peine se le dire. HORTENSE. Oh! moyennant[5] l'embarras o je vais jeter le Marquis, il faudra bien qu'il parle; et je veux savoir quoi m'en tenir. Depuis le temps que nous sommes cette campagne,[6] chez la Comtesse, il ne me dit rien. Il y a six semaines qu'il se tait; je veux qu'il s'explique. Je ne perdrai pas le legs qui me revient si je n' pouse point le Marquis. LE CHEVALIER. Mais s'il accepte votre main? HORTENSE. Eh! non! vous dis-je. Laissez-moi faire. Je crois qu'il esp re que ce sera moi qui le refuserai. Peut- tre m me feindra-t-il de consentir notre union; mais que cela ne vous pouvante pas. Vous n' tes point assez riche pour m' pouser avec deux cent mille francs de moins: je suis bien aise de vous les apporter en mariage. Je suis persuad e que la Comtesse et le Marquis ne se ha ssent pas. Voyons ce que me diront l -dessus L pine et Lisette, qui vont venir me parler. L'un, est un Gascon froid,[7] mais adroit; Lisette a de l'esprit. Je sais qu'ils ont tous deux la confiance de leurs ma tres; je les int resserai m'instruire, et tout ira bien. Les voil qui viennent. Retirez-vous. SC NE II. LISETTE, L PINE, HORTENSE. HORTENSE. Venez, Lisette; approchez. LISETTE. Que souhaitez-vous de nous, Madame? HORTENSE. Rien que vous ne puissiez me dire sans blesser la fid lit que vous devez, vous au Marquis, et vous la Comtesse. LISETTE. Tant mieux, Madame. L PINE. Ce d but encourage. Nos services vous sont acquis. HORTENSE, _tire quelque argent de sa poche._ Tenez, Lisette, tout service m rite r compense. LISETTE, _refusant d'abord._ Du moins, Madame, faudroit-il savoir auparavant de quoi il s'agit. HORTENSE. Prenez; je vous le donne, quoi qu'il arrive. Voil pour vous, monsieur de L pine.[8] L PINE. Madame, je serois volontiers de l'avis de Mademoiselle; mais je prends. Le respect d fend que je raisonne. HORTENSE. Je ne pr tends vous engager en rien, et voici de quoi il est question. Le Marquis, votre ma tre, vous estime, L pine? L PINE, _froidement._ Extr mement, Madame; il me conno t. HORTENSE. Je remarque qu'il vous confie ais ment ce qu'il pense. L PINE. Oui. Madame, de toutes ses pens es incontinent[9] j'en ai copie; il n'en sait pas le compte mieux que moi. HORTENSE. Vous, Lisette, vous tes sur le m me ton[10] avec la Comtesse? LISETTE. J'ai cet honneur-l , Madame. HORTENSE. Dites-moi, L pine, je me figure que le Marquis aime la Comtesse. Me tromp -je? Il n'y a point d'inconv nient me dire ce qui en est. L PINE. Je n'affirme rien; mais patience: nous devons ce soir nous entretenir l -dessus. HORTENSE. Eh! soup onnez-vous qu'il l'aime? L PINE. De soup ons,[11] j'en ai de violents. Je m'en claircirai tant t. HORTENSE. Et vous, Lisette, quel est votre sentiment sur la Comtesse? LISETTE. Qu'elle ne songe point du tout au Marquis, Madame. L PINE. Je diff re avec vous de pens e.[12] HORTENSE. Je crois aussi qu'ils s'aiment. Et supposons que je ne me trompe pas: du caract re dont ils sont, ils auront de la peine s'en parler. Vous, L pine, voudriez-vous exciter le Marquis le d clarer la Comtesse? Et vous, Lisette, disposer la Comtesse se l'entendre dire? Ce sera une industrie fort innocente. L PINE. Et m me louable. LISETTE, _rendant l'argent._ Madame, permettez que je vous rende votre argent. HORTENSE, Gardez. D'o vient?[13] LISETTE. C'est qu'il me semble que voil , pr cis ment le service que vous exigez de moi, et c'est pr cis ment celui que je ne puis vous rendre. Ma ma tresse est veuve, elle est tranquille; son tat est heureux; ce seroit dommage de l'en tirer: je prie le Ciel qu'elle y reste. L PINE, _froidement._ Quant moi, je garde mon lot: rien ne m'oblige restitution. J'ai la volont de vous tre utile. Monsieur le Marquis vit dans le c libat; mais le mariage, il est bon, tr s bon; il a ses peines: chaque tat a les siennes; quelquefois le mien me p se. Le tout est gal.[14] Oui, je vous servirai, Madame, je vous servirai; je n'y vois point de mal. On s' pouse de tout temps, on s' pousera toujours; on n'a que cette honn te ressource quand on aime. HORTENSE. Vous me surprenez, Lisette, d'autant plus que je m'imaginois que vous pouviez vous aimer tous deux. LISETTE. C'est de quoi il n'est pas question de ma part. L PINE. De la mienne, j'en suis demeur l'estime. N anmoins, Mademoiselle est aimable; mais j'ai pass mon chemin sans y prendre garde. LISETTE. J'esp re que vous penserez toujours de m me. HORTENSE. Voil ce que j'avois vous dire. Adieu, Lisette; vous ferez ce qu'il vous plaira. Je ne vous demande que le secret. J'accepte vos services, L pine. SC NE III. L PINE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Nous n'avons rien nous dire, mons[15] de L pine. J'ai affaire, et je vous laisse. L PINE. Doucement, Mademoiselle; retardez d'un moment. Je trouve propos de vous informer d'un petit accident qui m'arrive. LISETTE. Voyons. L PINE. D'homme d'honneur,[16] je n'avois pas envisag vos gr ces; je ne connoissois pas votre mine. LISETTE. Qu'importe? Je vous en offre autant:[17] c'est tout au plus si je connois actuellement la v tre.[18] L PINE. Cette dame se figuroit que nous nous aimions. LISETTE. Eh bien! elle se figuroit mal. L PINE. Attendez, voici l'accident: son discours a fait que mes yeux se sont arr t s dessus[19] vous plus attentivement que de coutume. LISETTE. Vos yeux ont pris bien de la peine. L PINE. Et vous tes jolie, sandis![20] oh! tr s jolie! LISETTE. Ma foi, monsieur de L pine, vous tes tr s galant, oh! tr s galant. Mais l'ennui me prend d s qu'on me loue. Abr geons; est-ce l tout? L PINE. A mon exemple, envisagez-moi, je vous prie; faites-en l' preuve. LISETTE. Oui-da![21] Tenez, je vous regarde. L PINE. Eh donc! Est-ce l ce L pine que vous connoissiez? N'y voyez-vous rien[22] de nouveau? Que vous dit le coeur? LISETTE. Pas le mot; il n'y a rien l pour lui. L PINE. Quelquefois pourtant nombre de gens ont estim que j' tois un gar on assez revenant;[23] mais nous y retournerons: c'est partie remettre. coutez le restant. Il est certain que mon ma tre distingue[24] tendrement votre ma tresse. Aujourd'hui m me il m'a confi qu'il m ditoit de vous communiquer ses sentiments. LISETTE. Comme il lui plaira. La r ponse que j'aurai l'honneur de lui communiquer sera courte. L PINE. Remarquons d'abondance[25] que la Comtesse se pla t avec mon ma tre, qu'elle a l' me joyeuse en le voyant. Vous me direz que nos gens[26] sont d' tranges personnes, et je vous l'accorde. Le Marquis, homme tout simple, peu hasardeux dans le discours, n'osera jamais aventurer la d claration, et, des d clarations, la Comtesse les pouvante:[27] femme qui n glige les compliments, qui vous parle entre l'aigre et le doux, et dont l'entretien a je ne sais quoi de sec, de froid, de purement raisonnable. Le moyen que l'amour puisse tre mis en avant avec cette femme! Il ne sera jamais propos de lui dire: Je vous aime, moins qu'on ne lui dise[28] propos de rien. Cette mati re, avec elle, ne peut tomber que des nues. On dit qu'elle traite l'amour de bagatelle d'enfant; moi, je pr tends qu'elle a pris go t cette enfance.[29] Dans cette conjoncture, j'opine que nous encouragions ces deux personnages. Qu'en sera-t-il?[30] Qu'ils s'aimeront bonnement, en toute simplesse,[31] et qu'ils s' pouseront de m me. Qu'en sera-t-il? Qu'en me voyant votre camarade, vous me rendrez votre mari par la douce habitude de me voir. Eh donc! Parlez: tes-vous d'accord? LISETTE. Non. L PINE. Mademoiselle, est-ce mon amour qui vous d pla t? LISETTE. Oui. L PINE. En peu de mots vous dites beaucoup. Mais consid rez l'occurrence:[32] je vous pr dis que nos ma tres se marieront: que la commodit vous tente.[33] LISETTE. Je vous pr dis qu'ils ne se marieront point: je ne veux pas, moi. Ma ma tresse, comme vous dites fort habilement, tient l'amour au-dessous d'elle, et j'aurai soin de l'entretenir dans cette humeur, attendu qu'il n'est pas de mon petit int r t qu'elle se marie. Ma condition n'en seroit pas si bonne, entendez-vous? Il n'y a pas d'apparence que la Comtesse y gagne, et moi j'y perdrais beaucoup. J'ai fait un petit calcul l -dessus, au moyen duquel je trouve que tous vos arrangements me d rangent et ne me valent rien.[34] Ainsi, quelque jolie que je sois, continuez de n'en rien voir; laissez-la la d couverte que vous avez faite de mes gr ces, et passez toujours sans y prendre garde. L PINE, _froidement._ Je les ai vues, Mademoiselle; j'en suis frapp , et n'ai de rem de que votre coeur. LISETTE. Tenez-vous donc pour incurable. L PINE. Me donnez-vous votre dernier mot? LISETTE. Je n'y changerai pas une syllabe. (_Elle veut s'en aller._) L PINE, _l'arr tant_. Permettez que je reparte.[35] Vous calculez, moi de m me. Selon vous, il ne faut pas que nos gens se marient; il faut qu'ils s' pousent, selon moi: je le pr tends. LISETTE. Mauvaise gasconnade! L PINE. Patience. Je vous aime, et vous me refusez le r ciproque? Je calcule qu'il me fait besoin,[36] et je l'aurai, sandis![37] Je le pr tends. LISETTE. Vous ne l'aurez pas, sandis! L PINE. J'ai tout dit. Laissez parler mon ma tre, qui nous arrive. SC NE IV. LE MARQUIS, L PINE, LISETTE. LE MARQUIS. Ah! vous voici, Lisette! Je suis bien aise de vous trouver. LISETTE. Je vous suis oblig e, Monsieur; mais je m'en allois. LE MARQUIS. Vous vous en alliez? J'avois pourtant quelque chose vous dire. tes-vous un peu de nos amis? L PINE. Petitement. LISETTE. J'ai beaucoup d'estime et de respect pour monsieur le Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Tout de bon? Vous me faites plaisir, Lisette. Je fais beaucoup de cas de vous aussi; vous me paroissez une tr s bonne fille, et vous tes une ma tresse qui a bien du m rite. LISETTE. Il y a longtemps que je le sais, Monsieur. LE MARQUIS. Ne vous parle-t-elle jamais de moi? Que vous en dit-elle? LISETTE. Oh! rien. LE MARQUIS. C'est que, entre nous, il n'y a point de femme que j'aime tant qu'elle. LISETTE. Qu'appelez-vous aimer, monsieur le Marquis? Est-ce de l'amour que vous entendez? LE MARQUIS. Eh! mais oui, de l'amour, de l'inclination, comme tu voudras: le nom n'y fait rien. Je l'aime mieux qu'une autre.[38] Voil tout. LISETTE. Cela se peut. LE MARQUIS. Mais elle n'en sait rien; je n'ai pas os le lui apprendre. Je n'ai pas trop le talent de parler d'amour. LISETTE. C'est ce qui me semble. LE MARQUIS. Oui, cela m'embarrasse; et, comme ta ma tresse est une femme fort raisonnable, j'ai peur qu'elle ne se moque de moi, et je ne saurois plus que lui dire: de sorte que j'ai r v qu'il seroit bon que tu la pr vinsses en ma faveur. LISETTE. Je vous demande pardon, Monsieur; mais il falloit r ver tout le contraire. Je ne puis rien pour vous, en v rit . LE MARQUIS. Eh! d'o vient?[39] Je t'aurai grande obligation. Je payerai bien tes peines. (_Montrant L pine._) Et, si ce gar on-l te convenoit, je vous ferois un fort bon parti[40] tous les deux. L PINE, _froidement, et sans regarder Lisette_. Derechef,[41] recueillez-vous l -dessus, Mademoiselle. LISETTE. Il n'y a pas moyen, monsieur le Marquis. Si je parlois de vos sentiments ma ma tresse, vous avez beau dire que le nom n'y fait rien, je me brouillerais[42] avec elle; je vous y brouillerais vous-m me. Ne la connoissez-vous pas? LE MARQUIS. Tu crois donc qu'il n'y a rien faire? LISETTE. Absolument rien. LE MARQUIS. Tant pis. Cela me chagrine. Elle me fait tant d'amiti ,[43] cette femme! Allons, il ne faut donc plus y penser. L PINE, _froidement_. Monsieur, ne vous d confortez[44] pas. Du r cit de Mademoiselle, n'en tenez compte;[45] elle vous triche. Retirons-nous. Venez me consulter l' cart; je serai plus consolant. Partons. LE MARQUIS. Viens. Voyons ce que tu as me dire. Adieu, Lisette. Ne me nuis pas, voil tout ce que j'exige. SC NE V. L PINE, LISETTE. L PINE. N'exigez rien: ne g nons point Mademoiselle. Soyons galamment ennemis d clar s; faisons-nous du mal en toute franchise. Adieu, gentille personne. Je vous ch ris ni plus ni moins: gardez-moi votre coeur: c'est un d p t que je vous laisse. LISETTE. Adieu, mon pauvre L pine. Vous tes peut- tre de tous les fous de la Garonne[46] le plus effront , mais aussi le plus divertissant. SC NE VI. LA COMTESSE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Voici ma ma tresse. De l'humeur dont elle est, je crois que cet amour-ci ne la divertira gu re. Gare[47] que le Marquis ne soit bient t cong di ! LA COMTESSE, _tenant une lettre_. Tenez, Lisette, dites qu'on porte cette lettre la poste. En voil dix que j' cris depuis trois semaines. La sotte chose qu'un proc s! Que j'en suis lasse! Je ne m' tonne pas s'il y a tant de femmes qui se marient! LISETTE, _riant_. Bon! votre proc s! une affaire de mille francs! Voil quelque chose de bien consid rable pour vous! Avez-vous envie de vous remarier? J'ai votre affaire. LA COMTESSE. Qu'est-ce que c'est qu'envie de me remarier? Pourquoi me dites-vous cela? LISETTE. Ne vous f chez pas; je ne veux que vous divertir. LA COMTESSE. Ce pourrait tre quelqu'un de Paris qui vous auroit fait une confidence. En tout cas, ne me le nommez pas. LISETTE. Oh! il faut pourtant que vous connoissiez celui dont je parle. LA COMTESSE. Brisons l -dessus. Je r ve une chose: le Marquis n'a ici qu'un valet de chambre, dont il a peut- tre besoin, et je voulois lui demander s'il n'a pas quelque paquet mettre la poste: on le porteroit avec le mien. O est-il, le Marquis? L'as-tu vu ce matin? LISETTE. Oh! oui. Malepeste![48] il a ses raisons pour tre veill de bonne heure! Revenons au mari que j'ai vous donner, celui qui br le pour vous et que vous avez enflamm de passion... LA COMTESSE. Qui est ce ben t-l ? LISETTE. Vous le devinez. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui br le est un sot. Je ne veux rien savoir de Paris. LISETTE. Ce n'est point de Paris: votre conqu te est dans le ch teau. Vous l'appellez ben t; moi, je vais le flatter: c'est un soupirant qui a l'air fort simple, un air de bon homme. Y tes-vous? LA COMTESSE. Nullement. Qui est-ce qui ressemble celui-ci? LISETTE. Eh! le Marquis. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui est avec nous? LISETTE. Lui-m me. LA COMTESSE. Je n'avois garde d'y tre.[49] O as-tu pris son air simple et de bon homme? Dis donc un air franc et ouvert, la bonne heure: il sera reconnoissable. LISETTE. Ma foi, Madame, je vous le rends comme je le vois. LA COMTESSE. Tu le vois tr s mal, on ne peut pas plus mal: en mille ans on ne le devineroit pas ce portrait-l . Mais de qui tiens-tu ce que tu me contes de son amour? LISETTE. De lui, qui me l'a dit; rien que cela. N'en riez-vous pas? Ne faites pas semblant de le savoir. Au reste, il n'y a qu' vous en d faire tout doucement. LA COMTESSE. H las! je ne lui en veux point de mal.[50] C'est un fort honn te homme, un homme dont je fais cas, qui a d'excellentes qualit s; et j'aime encore mieux que ce soit lui qu'un autre. Mais ne te trompes-tu pas aussi? Il ne t'aura peut- tre parl que d'estime: il en a beaucoup pour moi, beaucoup; il me l'a marqu e en mille occasions d'une mani re fort obligeante. LISETTE. Non, Madame, c'est de l'amour qui regarde vos appas; il en a prononc le mot sans bredouiller comme l'ordinaire. C'est de la flamme... Il languit, il soupire. LA COMTESSE. Est-il possible? Sur ce pied-l , je le plains, car ce n'est pas un tourdi: il faut qu'il le sente, puisqu'il le dit; et ce n'est pas de ces gens-l dont[51] je me moque: jamais leur amour n'est ridicule. Mais il n'osera m'en parler, n'est-ce pas? LISETTE. Oh! ne craignez rien! j'y ai mis bon ordre:[52] il ne s'y jouera pas.[53] Je lui ai t toute esp rance. N'ai-je pas bien fait? LA COMTESSE. Mais oui, sans doute, oui, pourvu que vous ne l'ayez pas brusqu , pourtant. Il falloit y prendre garde: c'est un ami que je veux conserver. Et vous avez quelquefois le ton dur et rev che, Lisette; il valoit mieux le laisser dire. LISETTE. Point du tout. Il vouloit que je vous parlasse en sa faveur. LA COMTESSE. Ce pauvre homme! LISETTE. Et je lui ai r pondu que je ne pouvois pas m'en m ler, que je me brouillerais avec vous si je vous en parlois, que vous me donneriez mon cong , que vous lui donneriez le sien. LA COMTESSE. Le sien. Quelle grossi ret ! Ah! que c'est mal parler! Son cong ? Et m me est-ce que je vous aurois donn le v tre? Vous savez bien que non. D'o vient[54] mentir, Lisette? C'est un ennemi que vous m'allez faire d'un des hommes du monde que je consid re le plus et qui le m rite le mieux. Quel sot langage de domestique! Eh! il toit si simple de vous tenir[55] lui dire: Monsieur, je ne saurois; ce ne sont pas l mes affaires. Parlez-en vous-m me. Et je voudrais qu'il os t m'en parler, pour racommoder un peu votre malhonn tet . Son cong ! son cong ! Il va se croire insult . LISETTE. Eh non, Madame; il toit impossible de vous en d barrasser moins de frais. Faut-il que vous l'aimiez, de peur de le f cher? Voulez-vous tre sa femme par politesse, lui qui doit pouser Hortense? Je ne lui ai rien dit de trop; et vous en voil quitte. Mais je l'aper ois qui vient en r vant. vitez-le, vous avez le temps. LA COMTESSE. L' viter, lui qui me voit! Ah! je m'en garderai bien. Apr s les discours que vous lui avez tenus, il croirait que je les ai dict s. Non, non, je ne changerai rien ma fa on de vivre avec lui. Allez porter ma lettre. LISETTE, _ part_. Hum! il y a ici quelque chose. (_Haut_.) Madame, je suis d'avis de rester aupr s de vous. Cela m'arrive souvent, et vous en serez plus l'abri d'une d claration. LA COMTESSE. Belle finesse! Quand je lui chapperois aujourd'hui, ne me trouvera-t-il pas demain? Il faudrait donc vous avoir toujours mes c t s? Non, non. Partez. S'il me parle, je sais r pondre. LISETTE. Je suis vous dans l'instant; je n'ai qu' donner cette lettre un laquais. LA COMTESSE. Non, Lisette: c'est une lettre de cons quence, et vous me ferez plaisir de la porter vous-m me, parce que, si le courier est pass , vous me la rapporterez, et je l'enverrai par une autre voie. Je ne me fie point aux valets: ils ne sont point exacts. LISETTE. Le courrier ne passe que dans deux heures, Madame. LA COMTESSE. Eh! allez, vous dis-je. Que sait-on? LISETTE, _ part_. Quel pr texte! (_Haut_.) Cette femme-l ne va pas droit avec moi. SC NE VII. LA COMTESSE, _seule_. Elle avoit la fureur de rester. Les domestiques sont ha ssables; il n'y a pas jusqu' leur z le qui ne vous d soblige. C'est toujours de travers qu'ils vous servent. SC NE VIII. LA COMTESSE, L PINE. L PINE. Madame, monsieur le Marquis vous a vue[56] de loin avec Lisette. Il demande s'il n'y a point de mal qu'il approche; il a le d sir de vous consulter, mais il se fait le scrupule[57] de vous tre importun. LA COMTESSE. Lui importun! Il ne sauroit l' tre. Dites-lui que je l'attends, L pine; qu'il vienne. L PINE. Je vais le r jouir de la nouvelle. Vous l'allez voir dans la minute. SC NE IX. L PINE, LE MARQUIS. L PINE, _appelant le Marquis_. Monsieur, venez prendre audience. Madame l'accorde. (_Quand le Marquis est venu, il lui dit part:_) Courage, Monsieur! l'accueil est gracieux, presque tendre: c'est un coeur qui demande qu'on le prenne. SC NE X. LA COMTESSE, LE MARQUIS. LA COMTESSE. Eh! d'o vient donc la c r monie que vous faites, Marquis?... Vous n'y songez pas.[58] LE MARQUIS. Madame, vous avez bien de la bont ... C'est que j'ai bien des choses vous dire. LA COMTESSE. Effectivement, vous me paroissez r veur, inquiet. LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai l'esprit en peine. J'ai besoin de conseil, j'ai besoin de gr ces, et le tout de votre part. LA COMTESSE. Tant mieux. Vous avez encore moins besoin de tout cela que je n'ai d'envie de vous tre bonne quelque chose. LE MARQUIS. O bonne! Il ne tient qu' vous de m' tre excellente, si vous voulez. LA COMTESSE. Comment, si je veux? Manquez-vous de confiance? Ah! je vous prie, ne me m nagez point. Vous pouvez tout sur moi, Marquis; je suis bien aise de vous le dire. LE MARQUIS. Cette assurance m'est bien agr able, et je serois tent d'en abuser. LA COMTESSE. J'ai grand'peur que vous ne r sistiez la tentation. Vous ne comptez pas assez sur vos amis, car vous tes si r serv , si retenu... LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai beaucoup de timidit . LA COMTESSE. Je fais de mon mieux pour vous l' ter, comme vous voyez. LE MARQUIS. Vous savez dans quelle situation je suis avec Hortense; que je dois l' pouser ou lui donner deux cent mille francs. LA COMTESSE. Oui, et je me suis aper ue que vous n'aviez pas grand go t pour elle. LE MARQUIS. Oh! on ne peut pas moins.[59] Je ne l'aime point du tout. LA COMTESSE. Je n'en suis pas surprise: son caract re est si diff rent du v tre! Elle a quelque chose de trop arrang [60] pour vous. LE MARQUIS. Vous y tes. Elle songe trop ses gr ces. Il faudroit toujours l'entretenir de compliments, et moi, ce n'est pas l mon fort. La coquetterie me g ne, elle me rend muet. LA COMTESSE. Ah! ah! je conviens qu'elle en a un peu; mais presque toutes les femmes sont de m me. Vous ne trouverez que cela partout, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Hors chez vous. Quelle diff rence, par exemple! Vous plaisez sans y penser. Ce n'est pas votre faute: vous ne savez pas seulement que vous tes aimable; mais d'autres le savent pour vous. LA COMTESSE. Moi, Marquis, je pense qu' cet gard-l les autres songent aussi peu moi que j'y songe moi-m me. LE MARQUIS. Oh! j'en connois qui ne vous disent pas tout ce qu'ils songent. LA COMTESSE. Eh! qui sont-ils, Marquis? Quelques amis comme vous, sans doute. LE MARQUIS. Bon, des amis! Voil bien de quoi! Vous n'en aurez encore de longtemps.[61] LA COMTESSE. Je vous suis oblig e du petit compliment que vous me faites en passant. LE MARQUIS. Point du tout. Je ne passe jamais, moi; je dis toujours expr s. LA COMTESSE, _riant_. Comment! vous qui ne voulez pas que j'aie encore des amis, est-ce que vous n' tes pas le mien? LE MARQUIS. Vous m'excuserez; mais, quand je serois autre chose,[62] il n'y auroit rien de surprenant. LA COMTESSE. Eh bien! je ne laisserois pas que d'en tre surprise.[63] LE MARQUIS. Et encore plus f ch e. LA COMTESSE. En v rit , surprise. Je veux pourtant croire que je suis aimable, puisque vous le dites. LE MARQUIS. O charmante! Et je serois bien heureux si Hortense vous ressembloit. Je l' pouserois d'un grand coeur, et j'ai bien de la peine m'y r soudre. LA COMTESSE. Je le crois, et ce seroit encore pis si vous aviez de l'inclination pour une autre. LE MARQUIS. Eh bien! c'est que justement le pis s'y trouve. LA COMTESSE, _par exclamation_. Oui? Vous aimez ailleurs? LE MARQUIS. De toute mon me. LA COMTESSE, _en souriant_. Je m'en suis dout e, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Et vous tes-vous dout e de la personne? LA COMTESSE. Non, mais vous me la direz. LE MARQUIS. Vous me feriez grand plaisir de la deviner. LA COMTESSE. Eh! pourquoi m'en donneriez-vous la peine, puisque vous voil ? LE MARQUIS. C'est que vous ne connoissez qu'elle:[64] c'est la plus aimable femme, la plus franche. Vous parlez de gens sans fa on: il n'y a personne comme elle; plus je la vois, plus je l'admire. LA COMTESSE. pousez-la, Marquis, pousez-la, et laissez l Hortense. Il n'y a point h siter: vous n'avez point d'autre parti prendre. LE MARQUIS. Oui, mais je songe une chose... N'y auroit-il pas moyen de me sauver les deux cent mille francs? Je vous parle coeur ouvert. LA COMTESSE. Regardez-moi dans cette occasion-ci comme une autre vous-m me. LE MARQUIS. Ah! que c'est bien dit! une autre moi-m me! LA COMTESSE. Ce qui me pla t en vous, c'est votre franchise, qui est une qualit admirable. Revenons. Comment vous sauver ces deux cent mille francs? LE MARQUIS. C'est que Hortense aime le Chevalier. Mais, propos, c'est votre parent? LA COMTESSE. Oh! parent de loin. LE MARQUIS. Or, de cet amour qu'elle a pour lui, je conclus qu'elle ne se soucie pas de moi. Je n'ai donc qu' faire semblant de vouloir l' pouser. Elle me refusera, et je ne lui devrai plus rien. Son refus me servira de quittance. LA COMTESSE. Oui-da,[65] vous pouvez le tenter. Ce n'est pas qu'il n'y ait du risque:[66] elle a du discernement, Marquis, Vous supposez qu'elle vous refusera; je n'en sais rien: vous n' tes pas homme d daigner. LE MARQUIS. Est-il vrai? LA COMTESSE. C'est mon sentiment. LE MARQUIS. Vous me flattez; vous encouragez ma franchise. LA COMTESSE. Je vous encourage! Eh! mais en tes-vous encore l ? Mettez-vous donc dans l'esprit que je ne demande qu' vous obliger, qu'il n'y a que l'impossible qui m'arr tera, et que vous devez compter sur tout ce qui d pendra de moi. Ne perdez point cela de vue, trange homme que vous tes, et achevez hardiment. Vous voulez des conseils, je vous en

service

How many times the word 'service' appears in the text?

Dorante: venez voir votre fille vous ob ir avec plus de joie qu'on n'en eut jamais. DORANTE. Qu'entends-je! vous, son p re, Monsieur? SILVIA. Oui, Dorante. La m me id e de nous conno tre nous est venue tous deux; apr s cela, je n'ai plus rien vous dire. Vous m'aimez, je n'en saurais douter; mais, votre tour, jugez de mes sentiments pour vous; jugez du cas que j'ai fait de votre coeur par la d licatesse avec laquelle j'ai t ch de l'acqu rir. M. ORGON. Connoissez-vous cette lettre-l ? Voil par o j'ai appris votre d guisement, qu'elle n'a pourtant su que par vous. DORANTE. Je ne saurais vous exprimer mon bonheur, Madame;[253] mais ce qui m'enchante le plus, ce sont les preuves que je vous ai donn es de ma tendresse. MARIO. Dorante me pardonne-t-il la col re o j'ai mis Bourguignon? DORANTE. Il ne vous la pardonne pas, il vous en remercie. ARLEQUIN. De la joie, Madame: vous avez perdu votre rang; mais vous n' tes point plaindre, puisqu'Arlequin vous reste. LISETTE. Belle consolation! il n'y a que toi qui gagne cela. ARLEQUIN. Je n'y perds pas. Avant notre reconnoissance, votre dot valoit mieux que vous; pr sent, vous valez mieux que votre dot. Allons, saute, marquis![254] * * * * * LE LEGS COM DIE EN UN ACTE, EN PROSE ACTEURS. LA COMTESSE. LE MARQUIS. HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. LISETTE,[1] suivante de la Comtesse. L PINE,[2] valet de chambre du Marquis. SC NE PREMI RE. LE CHEVALIER, HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. La d marche que vous allez faire aupr s du Marquis m'alarme. HORTENSE. Je ne risque rien, vous dis-je. Raisonnons. D funt son parent et le mien lui laisse six cent mille francs, la charge, il est vrai, de m' pouser ou de m'en donner deux cent mille: cela est son choix; mais le Marquis ne sent rien pour moi. Je suis s re qu'il a de l'inclination pour la Comtesse; d'ailleurs, il est d j assez riche par lui-m me: voil encore une succession de six cent mille francs qui lui vient, laquelle il ne s'attendoit pas; et vous croyez que, plut t que d'en distraire deux cent mille, il aimera mieux m' pouser, moi qui lui suis indiff rente, pendant qu'il a de l'amour pour la Comtesse, qui peut- tre ne le hait pas, et qui a plus de bien que moi? Il n'y a pas d'apparence. LE CHEVALIER. Mais quoi jugez-vous que la Comtesse ne le hait pas? HORTENSE. A mille petites remarques que je fais tous les jours, et je n'en suis pas surprise. Du caract re dont elle est, celui du Marquis doit tre de son go t. La Comtesse est une femme brusque, qui aime primer, gouverner, tre la ma tresse. Le Marquis est un homme doux, paisible, ais conduire; et voil ce qu'il faut la Comtesse. Aussi ne parle-t-elle de lui qu'avec loge. Son air de na vet lui pla t: c'est, dit-elle, le meilleur homme, le plus complaisant, le plus sociable. D'ailleurs, le Marquis est d'un ge qui lui convient; elle n'est plus de cette grande jeunesse:[3] il a trente-cinq ou quarante ans, et je vois bien qu'elle seroit charm e de vivre avec lui. LE CHEVALIER. J'ai peur que l' v nement[4] ne vous trompe. Ce n'est pas un petit objet que deux cent mille francs qu'il faudra qu'on vous donne si l'on ne vous pouse pas; et puis, quand le Marquis et la Comtesse s'aimeroient, de l'humeur dont ils sont tous deux, ils auront bien de la peine se le dire. HORTENSE. Oh! moyennant[5] l'embarras o je vais jeter le Marquis, il faudra bien qu'il parle; et je veux savoir quoi m'en tenir. Depuis le temps que nous sommes cette campagne,[6] chez la Comtesse, il ne me dit rien. Il y a six semaines qu'il se tait; je veux qu'il s'explique. Je ne perdrai pas le legs qui me revient si je n' pouse point le Marquis. LE CHEVALIER. Mais s'il accepte votre main? HORTENSE. Eh! non! vous dis-je. Laissez-moi faire. Je crois qu'il esp re que ce sera moi qui le refuserai. Peut- tre m me feindra-t-il de consentir notre union; mais que cela ne vous pouvante pas. Vous n' tes point assez riche pour m' pouser avec deux cent mille francs de moins: je suis bien aise de vous les apporter en mariage. Je suis persuad e que la Comtesse et le Marquis ne se ha ssent pas. Voyons ce que me diront l -dessus L pine et Lisette, qui vont venir me parler. L'un, est un Gascon froid,[7] mais adroit; Lisette a de l'esprit. Je sais qu'ils ont tous deux la confiance de leurs ma tres; je les int resserai m'instruire, et tout ira bien. Les voil qui viennent. Retirez-vous. SC NE II. LISETTE, L PINE, HORTENSE. HORTENSE. Venez, Lisette; approchez. LISETTE. Que souhaitez-vous de nous, Madame? HORTENSE. Rien que vous ne puissiez me dire sans blesser la fid lit que vous devez, vous au Marquis, et vous la Comtesse. LISETTE. Tant mieux, Madame. L PINE. Ce d but encourage. Nos services vous sont acquis. HORTENSE, _tire quelque argent de sa poche._ Tenez, Lisette, tout service m rite r compense. LISETTE, _refusant d'abord._ Du moins, Madame, faudroit-il savoir auparavant de quoi il s'agit. HORTENSE. Prenez; je vous le donne, quoi qu'il arrive. Voil pour vous, monsieur de L pine.[8] L PINE. Madame, je serois volontiers de l'avis de Mademoiselle; mais je prends. Le respect d fend que je raisonne. HORTENSE. Je ne pr tends vous engager en rien, et voici de quoi il est question. Le Marquis, votre ma tre, vous estime, L pine? L PINE, _froidement._ Extr mement, Madame; il me conno t. HORTENSE. Je remarque qu'il vous confie ais ment ce qu'il pense. L PINE. Oui. Madame, de toutes ses pens es incontinent[9] j'en ai copie; il n'en sait pas le compte mieux que moi. HORTENSE. Vous, Lisette, vous tes sur le m me ton[10] avec la Comtesse? LISETTE. J'ai cet honneur-l , Madame. HORTENSE. Dites-moi, L pine, je me figure que le Marquis aime la Comtesse. Me tromp -je? Il n'y a point d'inconv nient me dire ce qui en est. L PINE. Je n'affirme rien; mais patience: nous devons ce soir nous entretenir l -dessus. HORTENSE. Eh! soup onnez-vous qu'il l'aime? L PINE. De soup ons,[11] j'en ai de violents. Je m'en claircirai tant t. HORTENSE. Et vous, Lisette, quel est votre sentiment sur la Comtesse? LISETTE. Qu'elle ne songe point du tout au Marquis, Madame. L PINE. Je diff re avec vous de pens e.[12] HORTENSE. Je crois aussi qu'ils s'aiment. Et supposons que je ne me trompe pas: du caract re dont ils sont, ils auront de la peine s'en parler. Vous, L pine, voudriez-vous exciter le Marquis le d clarer la Comtesse? Et vous, Lisette, disposer la Comtesse se l'entendre dire? Ce sera une industrie fort innocente. L PINE. Et m me louable. LISETTE, _rendant l'argent._ Madame, permettez que je vous rende votre argent. HORTENSE, Gardez. D'o vient?[13] LISETTE. C'est qu'il me semble que voil , pr cis ment le service que vous exigez de moi, et c'est pr cis ment celui que je ne puis vous rendre. Ma ma tresse est veuve, elle est tranquille; son tat est heureux; ce seroit dommage de l'en tirer: je prie le Ciel qu'elle y reste. L PINE, _froidement._ Quant moi, je garde mon lot: rien ne m'oblige restitution. J'ai la volont de vous tre utile. Monsieur le Marquis vit dans le c libat; mais le mariage, il est bon, tr s bon; il a ses peines: chaque tat a les siennes; quelquefois le mien me p se. Le tout est gal.[14] Oui, je vous servirai, Madame, je vous servirai; je n'y vois point de mal. On s' pouse de tout temps, on s' pousera toujours; on n'a que cette honn te ressource quand on aime. HORTENSE. Vous me surprenez, Lisette, d'autant plus que je m'imaginois que vous pouviez vous aimer tous deux. LISETTE. C'est de quoi il n'est pas question de ma part. L PINE. De la mienne, j'en suis demeur l'estime. N anmoins, Mademoiselle est aimable; mais j'ai pass mon chemin sans y prendre garde. LISETTE. J'esp re que vous penserez toujours de m me. HORTENSE. Voil ce que j'avois vous dire. Adieu, Lisette; vous ferez ce qu'il vous plaira. Je ne vous demande que le secret. J'accepte vos services, L pine. SC NE III. L PINE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Nous n'avons rien nous dire, mons[15] de L pine. J'ai affaire, et je vous laisse. L PINE. Doucement, Mademoiselle; retardez d'un moment. Je trouve propos de vous informer d'un petit accident qui m'arrive. LISETTE. Voyons. L PINE. D'homme d'honneur,[16] je n'avois pas envisag vos gr ces; je ne connoissois pas votre mine. LISETTE. Qu'importe? Je vous en offre autant:[17] c'est tout au plus si je connois actuellement la v tre.[18] L PINE. Cette dame se figuroit que nous nous aimions. LISETTE. Eh bien! elle se figuroit mal. L PINE. Attendez, voici l'accident: son discours a fait que mes yeux se sont arr t s dessus[19] vous plus attentivement que de coutume. LISETTE. Vos yeux ont pris bien de la peine. L PINE. Et vous tes jolie, sandis![20] oh! tr s jolie! LISETTE. Ma foi, monsieur de L pine, vous tes tr s galant, oh! tr s galant. Mais l'ennui me prend d s qu'on me loue. Abr geons; est-ce l tout? L PINE. A mon exemple, envisagez-moi, je vous prie; faites-en l' preuve. LISETTE. Oui-da![21] Tenez, je vous regarde. L PINE. Eh donc! Est-ce l ce L pine que vous connoissiez? N'y voyez-vous rien[22] de nouveau? Que vous dit le coeur? LISETTE. Pas le mot; il n'y a rien l pour lui. L PINE. Quelquefois pourtant nombre de gens ont estim que j' tois un gar on assez revenant;[23] mais nous y retournerons: c'est partie remettre. coutez le restant. Il est certain que mon ma tre distingue[24] tendrement votre ma tresse. Aujourd'hui m me il m'a confi qu'il m ditoit de vous communiquer ses sentiments. LISETTE. Comme il lui plaira. La r ponse que j'aurai l'honneur de lui communiquer sera courte. L PINE. Remarquons d'abondance[25] que la Comtesse se pla t avec mon ma tre, qu'elle a l' me joyeuse en le voyant. Vous me direz que nos gens[26] sont d' tranges personnes, et je vous l'accorde. Le Marquis, homme tout simple, peu hasardeux dans le discours, n'osera jamais aventurer la d claration, et, des d clarations, la Comtesse les pouvante:[27] femme qui n glige les compliments, qui vous parle entre l'aigre et le doux, et dont l'entretien a je ne sais quoi de sec, de froid, de purement raisonnable. Le moyen que l'amour puisse tre mis en avant avec cette femme! Il ne sera jamais propos de lui dire: Je vous aime, moins qu'on ne lui dise[28] propos de rien. Cette mati re, avec elle, ne peut tomber que des nues. On dit qu'elle traite l'amour de bagatelle d'enfant; moi, je pr tends qu'elle a pris go t cette enfance.[29] Dans cette conjoncture, j'opine que nous encouragions ces deux personnages. Qu'en sera-t-il?[30] Qu'ils s'aimeront bonnement, en toute simplesse,[31] et qu'ils s' pouseront de m me. Qu'en sera-t-il? Qu'en me voyant votre camarade, vous me rendrez votre mari par la douce habitude de me voir. Eh donc! Parlez: tes-vous d'accord? LISETTE. Non. L PINE. Mademoiselle, est-ce mon amour qui vous d pla t? LISETTE. Oui. L PINE. En peu de mots vous dites beaucoup. Mais consid rez l'occurrence:[32] je vous pr dis que nos ma tres se marieront: que la commodit vous tente.[33] LISETTE. Je vous pr dis qu'ils ne se marieront point: je ne veux pas, moi. Ma ma tresse, comme vous dites fort habilement, tient l'amour au-dessous d'elle, et j'aurai soin de l'entretenir dans cette humeur, attendu qu'il n'est pas de mon petit int r t qu'elle se marie. Ma condition n'en seroit pas si bonne, entendez-vous? Il n'y a pas d'apparence que la Comtesse y gagne, et moi j'y perdrais beaucoup. J'ai fait un petit calcul l -dessus, au moyen duquel je trouve que tous vos arrangements me d rangent et ne me valent rien.[34] Ainsi, quelque jolie que je sois, continuez de n'en rien voir; laissez-la la d couverte que vous avez faite de mes gr ces, et passez toujours sans y prendre garde. L PINE, _froidement._ Je les ai vues, Mademoiselle; j'en suis frapp , et n'ai de rem de que votre coeur. LISETTE. Tenez-vous donc pour incurable. L PINE. Me donnez-vous votre dernier mot? LISETTE. Je n'y changerai pas une syllabe. (_Elle veut s'en aller._) L PINE, _l'arr tant_. Permettez que je reparte.[35] Vous calculez, moi de m me. Selon vous, il ne faut pas que nos gens se marient; il faut qu'ils s' pousent, selon moi: je le pr tends. LISETTE. Mauvaise gasconnade! L PINE. Patience. Je vous aime, et vous me refusez le r ciproque? Je calcule qu'il me fait besoin,[36] et je l'aurai, sandis![37] Je le pr tends. LISETTE. Vous ne l'aurez pas, sandis! L PINE. J'ai tout dit. Laissez parler mon ma tre, qui nous arrive. SC NE IV. LE MARQUIS, L PINE, LISETTE. LE MARQUIS. Ah! vous voici, Lisette! Je suis bien aise de vous trouver. LISETTE. Je vous suis oblig e, Monsieur; mais je m'en allois. LE MARQUIS. Vous vous en alliez? J'avois pourtant quelque chose vous dire. tes-vous un peu de nos amis? L PINE. Petitement. LISETTE. J'ai beaucoup d'estime et de respect pour monsieur le Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Tout de bon? Vous me faites plaisir, Lisette. Je fais beaucoup de cas de vous aussi; vous me paroissez une tr s bonne fille, et vous tes une ma tresse qui a bien du m rite. LISETTE. Il y a longtemps que je le sais, Monsieur. LE MARQUIS. Ne vous parle-t-elle jamais de moi? Que vous en dit-elle? LISETTE. Oh! rien. LE MARQUIS. C'est que, entre nous, il n'y a point de femme que j'aime tant qu'elle. LISETTE. Qu'appelez-vous aimer, monsieur le Marquis? Est-ce de l'amour que vous entendez? LE MARQUIS. Eh! mais oui, de l'amour, de l'inclination, comme tu voudras: le nom n'y fait rien. Je l'aime mieux qu'une autre.[38] Voil tout. LISETTE. Cela se peut. LE MARQUIS. Mais elle n'en sait rien; je n'ai pas os le lui apprendre. Je n'ai pas trop le talent de parler d'amour. LISETTE. C'est ce qui me semble. LE MARQUIS. Oui, cela m'embarrasse; et, comme ta ma tresse est une femme fort raisonnable, j'ai peur qu'elle ne se moque de moi, et je ne saurois plus que lui dire: de sorte que j'ai r v qu'il seroit bon que tu la pr vinsses en ma faveur. LISETTE. Je vous demande pardon, Monsieur; mais il falloit r ver tout le contraire. Je ne puis rien pour vous, en v rit . LE MARQUIS. Eh! d'o vient?[39] Je t'aurai grande obligation. Je payerai bien tes peines. (_Montrant L pine._) Et, si ce gar on-l te convenoit, je vous ferois un fort bon parti[40] tous les deux. L PINE, _froidement, et sans regarder Lisette_. Derechef,[41] recueillez-vous l -dessus, Mademoiselle. LISETTE. Il n'y a pas moyen, monsieur le Marquis. Si je parlois de vos sentiments ma ma tresse, vous avez beau dire que le nom n'y fait rien, je me brouillerais[42] avec elle; je vous y brouillerais vous-m me. Ne la connoissez-vous pas? LE MARQUIS. Tu crois donc qu'il n'y a rien faire? LISETTE. Absolument rien. LE MARQUIS. Tant pis. Cela me chagrine. Elle me fait tant d'amiti ,[43] cette femme! Allons, il ne faut donc plus y penser. L PINE, _froidement_. Monsieur, ne vous d confortez[44] pas. Du r cit de Mademoiselle, n'en tenez compte;[45] elle vous triche. Retirons-nous. Venez me consulter l' cart; je serai plus consolant. Partons. LE MARQUIS. Viens. Voyons ce que tu as me dire. Adieu, Lisette. Ne me nuis pas, voil tout ce que j'exige. SC NE V. L PINE, LISETTE. L PINE. N'exigez rien: ne g nons point Mademoiselle. Soyons galamment ennemis d clar s; faisons-nous du mal en toute franchise. Adieu, gentille personne. Je vous ch ris ni plus ni moins: gardez-moi votre coeur: c'est un d p t que je vous laisse. LISETTE. Adieu, mon pauvre L pine. Vous tes peut- tre de tous les fous de la Garonne[46] le plus effront , mais aussi le plus divertissant. SC NE VI. LA COMTESSE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Voici ma ma tresse. De l'humeur dont elle est, je crois que cet amour-ci ne la divertira gu re. Gare[47] que le Marquis ne soit bient t cong di ! LA COMTESSE, _tenant une lettre_. Tenez, Lisette, dites qu'on porte cette lettre la poste. En voil dix que j' cris depuis trois semaines. La sotte chose qu'un proc s! Que j'en suis lasse! Je ne m' tonne pas s'il y a tant de femmes qui se marient! LISETTE, _riant_. Bon! votre proc s! une affaire de mille francs! Voil quelque chose de bien consid rable pour vous! Avez-vous envie de vous remarier? J'ai votre affaire. LA COMTESSE. Qu'est-ce que c'est qu'envie de me remarier? Pourquoi me dites-vous cela? LISETTE. Ne vous f chez pas; je ne veux que vous divertir. LA COMTESSE. Ce pourrait tre quelqu'un de Paris qui vous auroit fait une confidence. En tout cas, ne me le nommez pas. LISETTE. Oh! il faut pourtant que vous connoissiez celui dont je parle. LA COMTESSE. Brisons l -dessus. Je r ve une chose: le Marquis n'a ici qu'un valet de chambre, dont il a peut- tre besoin, et je voulois lui demander s'il n'a pas quelque paquet mettre la poste: on le porteroit avec le mien. O est-il, le Marquis? L'as-tu vu ce matin? LISETTE. Oh! oui. Malepeste![48] il a ses raisons pour tre veill de bonne heure! Revenons au mari que j'ai vous donner, celui qui br le pour vous et que vous avez enflamm de passion... LA COMTESSE. Qui est ce ben t-l ? LISETTE. Vous le devinez. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui br le est un sot. Je ne veux rien savoir de Paris. LISETTE. Ce n'est point de Paris: votre conqu te est dans le ch teau. Vous l'appellez ben t; moi, je vais le flatter: c'est un soupirant qui a l'air fort simple, un air de bon homme. Y tes-vous? LA COMTESSE. Nullement. Qui est-ce qui ressemble celui-ci? LISETTE. Eh! le Marquis. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui est avec nous? LISETTE. Lui-m me. LA COMTESSE. Je n'avois garde d'y tre.[49] O as-tu pris son air simple et de bon homme? Dis donc un air franc et ouvert, la bonne heure: il sera reconnoissable. LISETTE. Ma foi, Madame, je vous le rends comme je le vois. LA COMTESSE. Tu le vois tr s mal, on ne peut pas plus mal: en mille ans on ne le devineroit pas ce portrait-l . Mais de qui tiens-tu ce que tu me contes de son amour? LISETTE. De lui, qui me l'a dit; rien que cela. N'en riez-vous pas? Ne faites pas semblant de le savoir. Au reste, il n'y a qu' vous en d faire tout doucement. LA COMTESSE. H las! je ne lui en veux point de mal.[50] C'est un fort honn te homme, un homme dont je fais cas, qui a d'excellentes qualit s; et j'aime encore mieux que ce soit lui qu'un autre. Mais ne te trompes-tu pas aussi? Il ne t'aura peut- tre parl que d'estime: il en a beaucoup pour moi, beaucoup; il me l'a marqu e en mille occasions d'une mani re fort obligeante. LISETTE. Non, Madame, c'est de l'amour qui regarde vos appas; il en a prononc le mot sans bredouiller comme l'ordinaire. C'est de la flamme... Il languit, il soupire. LA COMTESSE. Est-il possible? Sur ce pied-l , je le plains, car ce n'est pas un tourdi: il faut qu'il le sente, puisqu'il le dit; et ce n'est pas de ces gens-l dont[51] je me moque: jamais leur amour n'est ridicule. Mais il n'osera m'en parler, n'est-ce pas? LISETTE. Oh! ne craignez rien! j'y ai mis bon ordre:[52] il ne s'y jouera pas.[53] Je lui ai t toute esp rance. N'ai-je pas bien fait? LA COMTESSE. Mais oui, sans doute, oui, pourvu que vous ne l'ayez pas brusqu , pourtant. Il falloit y prendre garde: c'est un ami que je veux conserver. Et vous avez quelquefois le ton dur et rev che, Lisette; il valoit mieux le laisser dire. LISETTE. Point du tout. Il vouloit que je vous parlasse en sa faveur. LA COMTESSE. Ce pauvre homme! LISETTE. Et je lui ai r pondu que je ne pouvois pas m'en m ler, que je me brouillerais avec vous si je vous en parlois, que vous me donneriez mon cong , que vous lui donneriez le sien. LA COMTESSE. Le sien. Quelle grossi ret ! Ah! que c'est mal parler! Son cong ? Et m me est-ce que je vous aurois donn le v tre? Vous savez bien que non. D'o vient[54] mentir, Lisette? C'est un ennemi que vous m'allez faire d'un des hommes du monde que je consid re le plus et qui le m rite le mieux. Quel sot langage de domestique! Eh! il toit si simple de vous tenir[55] lui dire: Monsieur, je ne saurois; ce ne sont pas l mes affaires. Parlez-en vous-m me. Et je voudrais qu'il os t m'en parler, pour racommoder un peu votre malhonn tet . Son cong ! son cong ! Il va se croire insult . LISETTE. Eh non, Madame; il toit impossible de vous en d barrasser moins de frais. Faut-il que vous l'aimiez, de peur de le f cher? Voulez-vous tre sa femme par politesse, lui qui doit pouser Hortense? Je ne lui ai rien dit de trop; et vous en voil quitte. Mais je l'aper ois qui vient en r vant. vitez-le, vous avez le temps. LA COMTESSE. L' viter, lui qui me voit! Ah! je m'en garderai bien. Apr s les discours que vous lui avez tenus, il croirait que je les ai dict s. Non, non, je ne changerai rien ma fa on de vivre avec lui. Allez porter ma lettre. LISETTE, _ part_. Hum! il y a ici quelque chose. (_Haut_.) Madame, je suis d'avis de rester aupr s de vous. Cela m'arrive souvent, et vous en serez plus l'abri d'une d claration. LA COMTESSE. Belle finesse! Quand je lui chapperois aujourd'hui, ne me trouvera-t-il pas demain? Il faudrait donc vous avoir toujours mes c t s? Non, non. Partez. S'il me parle, je sais r pondre. LISETTE. Je suis vous dans l'instant; je n'ai qu' donner cette lettre un laquais. LA COMTESSE. Non, Lisette: c'est une lettre de cons quence, et vous me ferez plaisir de la porter vous-m me, parce que, si le courier est pass , vous me la rapporterez, et je l'enverrai par une autre voie. Je ne me fie point aux valets: ils ne sont point exacts. LISETTE. Le courrier ne passe que dans deux heures, Madame. LA COMTESSE. Eh! allez, vous dis-je. Que sait-on? LISETTE, _ part_. Quel pr texte! (_Haut_.) Cette femme-l ne va pas droit avec moi. SC NE VII. LA COMTESSE, _seule_. Elle avoit la fureur de rester. Les domestiques sont ha ssables; il n'y a pas jusqu' leur z le qui ne vous d soblige. C'est toujours de travers qu'ils vous servent. SC NE VIII. LA COMTESSE, L PINE. L PINE. Madame, monsieur le Marquis vous a vue[56] de loin avec Lisette. Il demande s'il n'y a point de mal qu'il approche; il a le d sir de vous consulter, mais il se fait le scrupule[57] de vous tre importun. LA COMTESSE. Lui importun! Il ne sauroit l' tre. Dites-lui que je l'attends, L pine; qu'il vienne. L PINE. Je vais le r jouir de la nouvelle. Vous l'allez voir dans la minute. SC NE IX. L PINE, LE MARQUIS. L PINE, _appelant le Marquis_. Monsieur, venez prendre audience. Madame l'accorde. (_Quand le Marquis est venu, il lui dit part:_) Courage, Monsieur! l'accueil est gracieux, presque tendre: c'est un coeur qui demande qu'on le prenne. SC NE X. LA COMTESSE, LE MARQUIS. LA COMTESSE. Eh! d'o vient donc la c r monie que vous faites, Marquis?... Vous n'y songez pas.[58] LE MARQUIS. Madame, vous avez bien de la bont ... C'est que j'ai bien des choses vous dire. LA COMTESSE. Effectivement, vous me paroissez r veur, inquiet. LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai l'esprit en peine. J'ai besoin de conseil, j'ai besoin de gr ces, et le tout de votre part. LA COMTESSE. Tant mieux. Vous avez encore moins besoin de tout cela que je n'ai d'envie de vous tre bonne quelque chose. LE MARQUIS. O bonne! Il ne tient qu' vous de m' tre excellente, si vous voulez. LA COMTESSE. Comment, si je veux? Manquez-vous de confiance? Ah! je vous prie, ne me m nagez point. Vous pouvez tout sur moi, Marquis; je suis bien aise de vous le dire. LE MARQUIS. Cette assurance m'est bien agr able, et je serois tent d'en abuser. LA COMTESSE. J'ai grand'peur que vous ne r sistiez la tentation. Vous ne comptez pas assez sur vos amis, car vous tes si r serv , si retenu... LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai beaucoup de timidit . LA COMTESSE. Je fais de mon mieux pour vous l' ter, comme vous voyez. LE MARQUIS. Vous savez dans quelle situation je suis avec Hortense; que je dois l' pouser ou lui donner deux cent mille francs. LA COMTESSE. Oui, et je me suis aper ue que vous n'aviez pas grand go t pour elle. LE MARQUIS. Oh! on ne peut pas moins.[59] Je ne l'aime point du tout. LA COMTESSE. Je n'en suis pas surprise: son caract re est si diff rent du v tre! Elle a quelque chose de trop arrang [60] pour vous. LE MARQUIS. Vous y tes. Elle songe trop ses gr ces. Il faudroit toujours l'entretenir de compliments, et moi, ce n'est pas l mon fort. La coquetterie me g ne, elle me rend muet. LA COMTESSE. Ah! ah! je conviens qu'elle en a un peu; mais presque toutes les femmes sont de m me. Vous ne trouverez que cela partout, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Hors chez vous. Quelle diff rence, par exemple! Vous plaisez sans y penser. Ce n'est pas votre faute: vous ne savez pas seulement que vous tes aimable; mais d'autres le savent pour vous. LA COMTESSE. Moi, Marquis, je pense qu' cet gard-l les autres songent aussi peu moi que j'y songe moi-m me. LE MARQUIS. Oh! j'en connois qui ne vous disent pas tout ce qu'ils songent. LA COMTESSE. Eh! qui sont-ils, Marquis? Quelques amis comme vous, sans doute. LE MARQUIS. Bon, des amis! Voil bien de quoi! Vous n'en aurez encore de longtemps.[61] LA COMTESSE. Je vous suis oblig e du petit compliment que vous me faites en passant. LE MARQUIS. Point du tout. Je ne passe jamais, moi; je dis toujours expr s. LA COMTESSE, _riant_. Comment! vous qui ne voulez pas que j'aie encore des amis, est-ce que vous n' tes pas le mien? LE MARQUIS. Vous m'excuserez; mais, quand je serois autre chose,[62] il n'y auroit rien de surprenant. LA COMTESSE. Eh bien! je ne laisserois pas que d'en tre surprise.[63] LE MARQUIS. Et encore plus f ch e. LA COMTESSE. En v rit , surprise. Je veux pourtant croire que je suis aimable, puisque vous le dites. LE MARQUIS. O charmante! Et je serois bien heureux si Hortense vous ressembloit. Je l' pouserois d'un grand coeur, et j'ai bien de la peine m'y r soudre. LA COMTESSE. Je le crois, et ce seroit encore pis si vous aviez de l'inclination pour une autre. LE MARQUIS. Eh bien! c'est que justement le pis s'y trouve. LA COMTESSE, _par exclamation_. Oui? Vous aimez ailleurs? LE MARQUIS. De toute mon me. LA COMTESSE, _en souriant_. Je m'en suis dout e, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Et vous tes-vous dout e de la personne? LA COMTESSE. Non, mais vous me la direz. LE MARQUIS. Vous me feriez grand plaisir de la deviner. LA COMTESSE. Eh! pourquoi m'en donneriez-vous la peine, puisque vous voil ? LE MARQUIS. C'est que vous ne connoissez qu'elle:[64] c'est la plus aimable femme, la plus franche. Vous parlez de gens sans fa on: il n'y a personne comme elle; plus je la vois, plus je l'admire. LA COMTESSE. pousez-la, Marquis, pousez-la, et laissez l Hortense. Il n'y a point h siter: vous n'avez point d'autre parti prendre. LE MARQUIS. Oui, mais je songe une chose... N'y auroit-il pas moyen de me sauver les deux cent mille francs? Je vous parle coeur ouvert. LA COMTESSE. Regardez-moi dans cette occasion-ci comme une autre vous-m me. LE MARQUIS. Ah! que c'est bien dit! une autre moi-m me! LA COMTESSE. Ce qui me pla t en vous, c'est votre franchise, qui est une qualit admirable. Revenons. Comment vous sauver ces deux cent mille francs? LE MARQUIS. C'est que Hortense aime le Chevalier. Mais, propos, c'est votre parent? LA COMTESSE. Oh! parent de loin. LE MARQUIS. Or, de cet amour qu'elle a pour lui, je conclus qu'elle ne se soucie pas de moi. Je n'ai donc qu' faire semblant de vouloir l' pouser. Elle me refusera, et je ne lui devrai plus rien. Son refus me servira de quittance. LA COMTESSE. Oui-da,[65] vous pouvez le tenter. Ce n'est pas qu'il n'y ait du risque:[66] elle a du discernement, Marquis, Vous supposez qu'elle vous refusera; je n'en sais rien: vous n' tes pas homme d daigner. LE MARQUIS. Est-il vrai? LA COMTESSE. C'est mon sentiment. LE MARQUIS. Vous me flattez; vous encouragez ma franchise. LA COMTESSE. Je vous encourage! Eh! mais en tes-vous encore l ? Mettez-vous donc dans l'esprit que je ne demande qu' vous obliger, qu'il n'y a que l'impossible qui m'arr tera, et que vous devez compter sur tout ce qui d pendra de moi. Ne perdez point cela de vue, trange homme que vous tes, et achevez hardiment. Vous voulez des conseils, je vous en

movement

How many times the word 'movement' appears in the text?

Dorante: venez voir votre fille vous ob ir avec plus de joie qu'on n'en eut jamais. DORANTE. Qu'entends-je! vous, son p re, Monsieur? SILVIA. Oui, Dorante. La m me id e de nous conno tre nous est venue tous deux; apr s cela, je n'ai plus rien vous dire. Vous m'aimez, je n'en saurais douter; mais, votre tour, jugez de mes sentiments pour vous; jugez du cas que j'ai fait de votre coeur par la d licatesse avec laquelle j'ai t ch de l'acqu rir. M. ORGON. Connoissez-vous cette lettre-l ? Voil par o j'ai appris votre d guisement, qu'elle n'a pourtant su que par vous. DORANTE. Je ne saurais vous exprimer mon bonheur, Madame;[253] mais ce qui m'enchante le plus, ce sont les preuves que je vous ai donn es de ma tendresse. MARIO. Dorante me pardonne-t-il la col re o j'ai mis Bourguignon? DORANTE. Il ne vous la pardonne pas, il vous en remercie. ARLEQUIN. De la joie, Madame: vous avez perdu votre rang; mais vous n' tes point plaindre, puisqu'Arlequin vous reste. LISETTE. Belle consolation! il n'y a que toi qui gagne cela. ARLEQUIN. Je n'y perds pas. Avant notre reconnoissance, votre dot valoit mieux que vous; pr sent, vous valez mieux que votre dot. Allons, saute, marquis![254] * * * * * LE LEGS COM DIE EN UN ACTE, EN PROSE ACTEURS. LA COMTESSE. LE MARQUIS. HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. LISETTE,[1] suivante de la Comtesse. L PINE,[2] valet de chambre du Marquis. SC NE PREMI RE. LE CHEVALIER, HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. La d marche que vous allez faire aupr s du Marquis m'alarme. HORTENSE. Je ne risque rien, vous dis-je. Raisonnons. D funt son parent et le mien lui laisse six cent mille francs, la charge, il est vrai, de m' pouser ou de m'en donner deux cent mille: cela est son choix; mais le Marquis ne sent rien pour moi. Je suis s re qu'il a de l'inclination pour la Comtesse; d'ailleurs, il est d j assez riche par lui-m me: voil encore une succession de six cent mille francs qui lui vient, laquelle il ne s'attendoit pas; et vous croyez que, plut t que d'en distraire deux cent mille, il aimera mieux m' pouser, moi qui lui suis indiff rente, pendant qu'il a de l'amour pour la Comtesse, qui peut- tre ne le hait pas, et qui a plus de bien que moi? Il n'y a pas d'apparence. LE CHEVALIER. Mais quoi jugez-vous que la Comtesse ne le hait pas? HORTENSE. A mille petites remarques que je fais tous les jours, et je n'en suis pas surprise. Du caract re dont elle est, celui du Marquis doit tre de son go t. La Comtesse est une femme brusque, qui aime primer, gouverner, tre la ma tresse. Le Marquis est un homme doux, paisible, ais conduire; et voil ce qu'il faut la Comtesse. Aussi ne parle-t-elle de lui qu'avec loge. Son air de na vet lui pla t: c'est, dit-elle, le meilleur homme, le plus complaisant, le plus sociable. D'ailleurs, le Marquis est d'un ge qui lui convient; elle n'est plus de cette grande jeunesse:[3] il a trente-cinq ou quarante ans, et je vois bien qu'elle seroit charm e de vivre avec lui. LE CHEVALIER. J'ai peur que l' v nement[4] ne vous trompe. Ce n'est pas un petit objet que deux cent mille francs qu'il faudra qu'on vous donne si l'on ne vous pouse pas; et puis, quand le Marquis et la Comtesse s'aimeroient, de l'humeur dont ils sont tous deux, ils auront bien de la peine se le dire. HORTENSE. Oh! moyennant[5] l'embarras o je vais jeter le Marquis, il faudra bien qu'il parle; et je veux savoir quoi m'en tenir. Depuis le temps que nous sommes cette campagne,[6] chez la Comtesse, il ne me dit rien. Il y a six semaines qu'il se tait; je veux qu'il s'explique. Je ne perdrai pas le legs qui me revient si je n' pouse point le Marquis. LE CHEVALIER. Mais s'il accepte votre main? HORTENSE. Eh! non! vous dis-je. Laissez-moi faire. Je crois qu'il esp re que ce sera moi qui le refuserai. Peut- tre m me feindra-t-il de consentir notre union; mais que cela ne vous pouvante pas. Vous n' tes point assez riche pour m' pouser avec deux cent mille francs de moins: je suis bien aise de vous les apporter en mariage. Je suis persuad e que la Comtesse et le Marquis ne se ha ssent pas. Voyons ce que me diront l -dessus L pine et Lisette, qui vont venir me parler. L'un, est un Gascon froid,[7] mais adroit; Lisette a de l'esprit. Je sais qu'ils ont tous deux la confiance de leurs ma tres; je les int resserai m'instruire, et tout ira bien. Les voil qui viennent. Retirez-vous. SC NE II. LISETTE, L PINE, HORTENSE. HORTENSE. Venez, Lisette; approchez. LISETTE. Que souhaitez-vous de nous, Madame? HORTENSE. Rien que vous ne puissiez me dire sans blesser la fid lit que vous devez, vous au Marquis, et vous la Comtesse. LISETTE. Tant mieux, Madame. L PINE. Ce d but encourage. Nos services vous sont acquis. HORTENSE, _tire quelque argent de sa poche._ Tenez, Lisette, tout service m rite r compense. LISETTE, _refusant d'abord._ Du moins, Madame, faudroit-il savoir auparavant de quoi il s'agit. HORTENSE. Prenez; je vous le donne, quoi qu'il arrive. Voil pour vous, monsieur de L pine.[8] L PINE. Madame, je serois volontiers de l'avis de Mademoiselle; mais je prends. Le respect d fend que je raisonne. HORTENSE. Je ne pr tends vous engager en rien, et voici de quoi il est question. Le Marquis, votre ma tre, vous estime, L pine? L PINE, _froidement._ Extr mement, Madame; il me conno t. HORTENSE. Je remarque qu'il vous confie ais ment ce qu'il pense. L PINE. Oui. Madame, de toutes ses pens es incontinent[9] j'en ai copie; il n'en sait pas le compte mieux que moi. HORTENSE. Vous, Lisette, vous tes sur le m me ton[10] avec la Comtesse? LISETTE. J'ai cet honneur-l , Madame. HORTENSE. Dites-moi, L pine, je me figure que le Marquis aime la Comtesse. Me tromp -je? Il n'y a point d'inconv nient me dire ce qui en est. L PINE. Je n'affirme rien; mais patience: nous devons ce soir nous entretenir l -dessus. HORTENSE. Eh! soup onnez-vous qu'il l'aime? L PINE. De soup ons,[11] j'en ai de violents. Je m'en claircirai tant t. HORTENSE. Et vous, Lisette, quel est votre sentiment sur la Comtesse? LISETTE. Qu'elle ne songe point du tout au Marquis, Madame. L PINE. Je diff re avec vous de pens e.[12] HORTENSE. Je crois aussi qu'ils s'aiment. Et supposons que je ne me trompe pas: du caract re dont ils sont, ils auront de la peine s'en parler. Vous, L pine, voudriez-vous exciter le Marquis le d clarer la Comtesse? Et vous, Lisette, disposer la Comtesse se l'entendre dire? Ce sera une industrie fort innocente. L PINE. Et m me louable. LISETTE, _rendant l'argent._ Madame, permettez que je vous rende votre argent. HORTENSE, Gardez. D'o vient?[13] LISETTE. C'est qu'il me semble que voil , pr cis ment le service que vous exigez de moi, et c'est pr cis ment celui que je ne puis vous rendre. Ma ma tresse est veuve, elle est tranquille; son tat est heureux; ce seroit dommage de l'en tirer: je prie le Ciel qu'elle y reste. L PINE, _froidement._ Quant moi, je garde mon lot: rien ne m'oblige restitution. J'ai la volont de vous tre utile. Monsieur le Marquis vit dans le c libat; mais le mariage, il est bon, tr s bon; il a ses peines: chaque tat a les siennes; quelquefois le mien me p se. Le tout est gal.[14] Oui, je vous servirai, Madame, je vous servirai; je n'y vois point de mal. On s' pouse de tout temps, on s' pousera toujours; on n'a que cette honn te ressource quand on aime. HORTENSE. Vous me surprenez, Lisette, d'autant plus que je m'imaginois que vous pouviez vous aimer tous deux. LISETTE. C'est de quoi il n'est pas question de ma part. L PINE. De la mienne, j'en suis demeur l'estime. N anmoins, Mademoiselle est aimable; mais j'ai pass mon chemin sans y prendre garde. LISETTE. J'esp re que vous penserez toujours de m me. HORTENSE. Voil ce que j'avois vous dire. Adieu, Lisette; vous ferez ce qu'il vous plaira. Je ne vous demande que le secret. J'accepte vos services, L pine. SC NE III. L PINE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Nous n'avons rien nous dire, mons[15] de L pine. J'ai affaire, et je vous laisse. L PINE. Doucement, Mademoiselle; retardez d'un moment. Je trouve propos de vous informer d'un petit accident qui m'arrive. LISETTE. Voyons. L PINE. D'homme d'honneur,[16] je n'avois pas envisag vos gr ces; je ne connoissois pas votre mine. LISETTE. Qu'importe? Je vous en offre autant:[17] c'est tout au plus si je connois actuellement la v tre.[18] L PINE. Cette dame se figuroit que nous nous aimions. LISETTE. Eh bien! elle se figuroit mal. L PINE. Attendez, voici l'accident: son discours a fait que mes yeux se sont arr t s dessus[19] vous plus attentivement que de coutume. LISETTE. Vos yeux ont pris bien de la peine. L PINE. Et vous tes jolie, sandis![20] oh! tr s jolie! LISETTE. Ma foi, monsieur de L pine, vous tes tr s galant, oh! tr s galant. Mais l'ennui me prend d s qu'on me loue. Abr geons; est-ce l tout? L PINE. A mon exemple, envisagez-moi, je vous prie; faites-en l' preuve. LISETTE. Oui-da![21] Tenez, je vous regarde. L PINE. Eh donc! Est-ce l ce L pine que vous connoissiez? N'y voyez-vous rien[22] de nouveau? Que vous dit le coeur? LISETTE. Pas le mot; il n'y a rien l pour lui. L PINE. Quelquefois pourtant nombre de gens ont estim que j' tois un gar on assez revenant;[23] mais nous y retournerons: c'est partie remettre. coutez le restant. Il est certain que mon ma tre distingue[24] tendrement votre ma tresse. Aujourd'hui m me il m'a confi qu'il m ditoit de vous communiquer ses sentiments. LISETTE. Comme il lui plaira. La r ponse que j'aurai l'honneur de lui communiquer sera courte. L PINE. Remarquons d'abondance[25] que la Comtesse se pla t avec mon ma tre, qu'elle a l' me joyeuse en le voyant. Vous me direz que nos gens[26] sont d' tranges personnes, et je vous l'accorde. Le Marquis, homme tout simple, peu hasardeux dans le discours, n'osera jamais aventurer la d claration, et, des d clarations, la Comtesse les pouvante:[27] femme qui n glige les compliments, qui vous parle entre l'aigre et le doux, et dont l'entretien a je ne sais quoi de sec, de froid, de purement raisonnable. Le moyen que l'amour puisse tre mis en avant avec cette femme! Il ne sera jamais propos de lui dire: Je vous aime, moins qu'on ne lui dise[28] propos de rien. Cette mati re, avec elle, ne peut tomber que des nues. On dit qu'elle traite l'amour de bagatelle d'enfant; moi, je pr tends qu'elle a pris go t cette enfance.[29] Dans cette conjoncture, j'opine que nous encouragions ces deux personnages. Qu'en sera-t-il?[30] Qu'ils s'aimeront bonnement, en toute simplesse,[31] et qu'ils s' pouseront de m me. Qu'en sera-t-il? Qu'en me voyant votre camarade, vous me rendrez votre mari par la douce habitude de me voir. Eh donc! Parlez: tes-vous d'accord? LISETTE. Non. L PINE. Mademoiselle, est-ce mon amour qui vous d pla t? LISETTE. Oui. L PINE. En peu de mots vous dites beaucoup. Mais consid rez l'occurrence:[32] je vous pr dis que nos ma tres se marieront: que la commodit vous tente.[33] LISETTE. Je vous pr dis qu'ils ne se marieront point: je ne veux pas, moi. Ma ma tresse, comme vous dites fort habilement, tient l'amour au-dessous d'elle, et j'aurai soin de l'entretenir dans cette humeur, attendu qu'il n'est pas de mon petit int r t qu'elle se marie. Ma condition n'en seroit pas si bonne, entendez-vous? Il n'y a pas d'apparence que la Comtesse y gagne, et moi j'y perdrais beaucoup. J'ai fait un petit calcul l -dessus, au moyen duquel je trouve que tous vos arrangements me d rangent et ne me valent rien.[34] Ainsi, quelque jolie que je sois, continuez de n'en rien voir; laissez-la la d couverte que vous avez faite de mes gr ces, et passez toujours sans y prendre garde. L PINE, _froidement._ Je les ai vues, Mademoiselle; j'en suis frapp , et n'ai de rem de que votre coeur. LISETTE. Tenez-vous donc pour incurable. L PINE. Me donnez-vous votre dernier mot? LISETTE. Je n'y changerai pas une syllabe. (_Elle veut s'en aller._) L PINE, _l'arr tant_. Permettez que je reparte.[35] Vous calculez, moi de m me. Selon vous, il ne faut pas que nos gens se marient; il faut qu'ils s' pousent, selon moi: je le pr tends. LISETTE. Mauvaise gasconnade! L PINE. Patience. Je vous aime, et vous me refusez le r ciproque? Je calcule qu'il me fait besoin,[36] et je l'aurai, sandis![37] Je le pr tends. LISETTE. Vous ne l'aurez pas, sandis! L PINE. J'ai tout dit. Laissez parler mon ma tre, qui nous arrive. SC NE IV. LE MARQUIS, L PINE, LISETTE. LE MARQUIS. Ah! vous voici, Lisette! Je suis bien aise de vous trouver. LISETTE. Je vous suis oblig e, Monsieur; mais je m'en allois. LE MARQUIS. Vous vous en alliez? J'avois pourtant quelque chose vous dire. tes-vous un peu de nos amis? L PINE. Petitement. LISETTE. J'ai beaucoup d'estime et de respect pour monsieur le Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Tout de bon? Vous me faites plaisir, Lisette. Je fais beaucoup de cas de vous aussi; vous me paroissez une tr s bonne fille, et vous tes une ma tresse qui a bien du m rite. LISETTE. Il y a longtemps que je le sais, Monsieur. LE MARQUIS. Ne vous parle-t-elle jamais de moi? Que vous en dit-elle? LISETTE. Oh! rien. LE MARQUIS. C'est que, entre nous, il n'y a point de femme que j'aime tant qu'elle. LISETTE. Qu'appelez-vous aimer, monsieur le Marquis? Est-ce de l'amour que vous entendez? LE MARQUIS. Eh! mais oui, de l'amour, de l'inclination, comme tu voudras: le nom n'y fait rien. Je l'aime mieux qu'une autre.[38] Voil tout. LISETTE. Cela se peut. LE MARQUIS. Mais elle n'en sait rien; je n'ai pas os le lui apprendre. Je n'ai pas trop le talent de parler d'amour. LISETTE. C'est ce qui me semble. LE MARQUIS. Oui, cela m'embarrasse; et, comme ta ma tresse est une femme fort raisonnable, j'ai peur qu'elle ne se moque de moi, et je ne saurois plus que lui dire: de sorte que j'ai r v qu'il seroit bon que tu la pr vinsses en ma faveur. LISETTE. Je vous demande pardon, Monsieur; mais il falloit r ver tout le contraire. Je ne puis rien pour vous, en v rit . LE MARQUIS. Eh! d'o vient?[39] Je t'aurai grande obligation. Je payerai bien tes peines. (_Montrant L pine._) Et, si ce gar on-l te convenoit, je vous ferois un fort bon parti[40] tous les deux. L PINE, _froidement, et sans regarder Lisette_. Derechef,[41] recueillez-vous l -dessus, Mademoiselle. LISETTE. Il n'y a pas moyen, monsieur le Marquis. Si je parlois de vos sentiments ma ma tresse, vous avez beau dire que le nom n'y fait rien, je me brouillerais[42] avec elle; je vous y brouillerais vous-m me. Ne la connoissez-vous pas? LE MARQUIS. Tu crois donc qu'il n'y a rien faire? LISETTE. Absolument rien. LE MARQUIS. Tant pis. Cela me chagrine. Elle me fait tant d'amiti ,[43] cette femme! Allons, il ne faut donc plus y penser. L PINE, _froidement_. Monsieur, ne vous d confortez[44] pas. Du r cit de Mademoiselle, n'en tenez compte;[45] elle vous triche. Retirons-nous. Venez me consulter l' cart; je serai plus consolant. Partons. LE MARQUIS. Viens. Voyons ce que tu as me dire. Adieu, Lisette. Ne me nuis pas, voil tout ce que j'exige. SC NE V. L PINE, LISETTE. L PINE. N'exigez rien: ne g nons point Mademoiselle. Soyons galamment ennemis d clar s; faisons-nous du mal en toute franchise. Adieu, gentille personne. Je vous ch ris ni plus ni moins: gardez-moi votre coeur: c'est un d p t que je vous laisse. LISETTE. Adieu, mon pauvre L pine. Vous tes peut- tre de tous les fous de la Garonne[46] le plus effront , mais aussi le plus divertissant. SC NE VI. LA COMTESSE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Voici ma ma tresse. De l'humeur dont elle est, je crois que cet amour-ci ne la divertira gu re. Gare[47] que le Marquis ne soit bient t cong di ! LA COMTESSE, _tenant une lettre_. Tenez, Lisette, dites qu'on porte cette lettre la poste. En voil dix que j' cris depuis trois semaines. La sotte chose qu'un proc s! Que j'en suis lasse! Je ne m' tonne pas s'il y a tant de femmes qui se marient! LISETTE, _riant_. Bon! votre proc s! une affaire de mille francs! Voil quelque chose de bien consid rable pour vous! Avez-vous envie de vous remarier? J'ai votre affaire. LA COMTESSE. Qu'est-ce que c'est qu'envie de me remarier? Pourquoi me dites-vous cela? LISETTE. Ne vous f chez pas; je ne veux que vous divertir. LA COMTESSE. Ce pourrait tre quelqu'un de Paris qui vous auroit fait une confidence. En tout cas, ne me le nommez pas. LISETTE. Oh! il faut pourtant que vous connoissiez celui dont je parle. LA COMTESSE. Brisons l -dessus. Je r ve une chose: le Marquis n'a ici qu'un valet de chambre, dont il a peut- tre besoin, et je voulois lui demander s'il n'a pas quelque paquet mettre la poste: on le porteroit avec le mien. O est-il, le Marquis? L'as-tu vu ce matin? LISETTE. Oh! oui. Malepeste![48] il a ses raisons pour tre veill de bonne heure! Revenons au mari que j'ai vous donner, celui qui br le pour vous et que vous avez enflamm de passion... LA COMTESSE. Qui est ce ben t-l ? LISETTE. Vous le devinez. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui br le est un sot. Je ne veux rien savoir de Paris. LISETTE. Ce n'est point de Paris: votre conqu te est dans le ch teau. Vous l'appellez ben t; moi, je vais le flatter: c'est un soupirant qui a l'air fort simple, un air de bon homme. Y tes-vous? LA COMTESSE. Nullement. Qui est-ce qui ressemble celui-ci? LISETTE. Eh! le Marquis. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui est avec nous? LISETTE. Lui-m me. LA COMTESSE. Je n'avois garde d'y tre.[49] O as-tu pris son air simple et de bon homme? Dis donc un air franc et ouvert, la bonne heure: il sera reconnoissable. LISETTE. Ma foi, Madame, je vous le rends comme je le vois. LA COMTESSE. Tu le vois tr s mal, on ne peut pas plus mal: en mille ans on ne le devineroit pas ce portrait-l . Mais de qui tiens-tu ce que tu me contes de son amour? LISETTE. De lui, qui me l'a dit; rien que cela. N'en riez-vous pas? Ne faites pas semblant de le savoir. Au reste, il n'y a qu' vous en d faire tout doucement. LA COMTESSE. H las! je ne lui en veux point de mal.[50] C'est un fort honn te homme, un homme dont je fais cas, qui a d'excellentes qualit s; et j'aime encore mieux que ce soit lui qu'un autre. Mais ne te trompes-tu pas aussi? Il ne t'aura peut- tre parl que d'estime: il en a beaucoup pour moi, beaucoup; il me l'a marqu e en mille occasions d'une mani re fort obligeante. LISETTE. Non, Madame, c'est de l'amour qui regarde vos appas; il en a prononc le mot sans bredouiller comme l'ordinaire. C'est de la flamme... Il languit, il soupire. LA COMTESSE. Est-il possible? Sur ce pied-l , je le plains, car ce n'est pas un tourdi: il faut qu'il le sente, puisqu'il le dit; et ce n'est pas de ces gens-l dont[51] je me moque: jamais leur amour n'est ridicule. Mais il n'osera m'en parler, n'est-ce pas? LISETTE. Oh! ne craignez rien! j'y ai mis bon ordre:[52] il ne s'y jouera pas.[53] Je lui ai t toute esp rance. N'ai-je pas bien fait? LA COMTESSE. Mais oui, sans doute, oui, pourvu que vous ne l'ayez pas brusqu , pourtant. Il falloit y prendre garde: c'est un ami que je veux conserver. Et vous avez quelquefois le ton dur et rev che, Lisette; il valoit mieux le laisser dire. LISETTE. Point du tout. Il vouloit que je vous parlasse en sa faveur. LA COMTESSE. Ce pauvre homme! LISETTE. Et je lui ai r pondu que je ne pouvois pas m'en m ler, que je me brouillerais avec vous si je vous en parlois, que vous me donneriez mon cong , que vous lui donneriez le sien. LA COMTESSE. Le sien. Quelle grossi ret ! Ah! que c'est mal parler! Son cong ? Et m me est-ce que je vous aurois donn le v tre? Vous savez bien que non. D'o vient[54] mentir, Lisette? C'est un ennemi que vous m'allez faire d'un des hommes du monde que je consid re le plus et qui le m rite le mieux. Quel sot langage de domestique! Eh! il toit si simple de vous tenir[55] lui dire: Monsieur, je ne saurois; ce ne sont pas l mes affaires. Parlez-en vous-m me. Et je voudrais qu'il os t m'en parler, pour racommoder un peu votre malhonn tet . Son cong ! son cong ! Il va se croire insult . LISETTE. Eh non, Madame; il toit impossible de vous en d barrasser moins de frais. Faut-il que vous l'aimiez, de peur de le f cher? Voulez-vous tre sa femme par politesse, lui qui doit pouser Hortense? Je ne lui ai rien dit de trop; et vous en voil quitte. Mais je l'aper ois qui vient en r vant. vitez-le, vous avez le temps. LA COMTESSE. L' viter, lui qui me voit! Ah! je m'en garderai bien. Apr s les discours que vous lui avez tenus, il croirait que je les ai dict s. Non, non, je ne changerai rien ma fa on de vivre avec lui. Allez porter ma lettre. LISETTE, _ part_. Hum! il y a ici quelque chose. (_Haut_.) Madame, je suis d'avis de rester aupr s de vous. Cela m'arrive souvent, et vous en serez plus l'abri d'une d claration. LA COMTESSE. Belle finesse! Quand je lui chapperois aujourd'hui, ne me trouvera-t-il pas demain? Il faudrait donc vous avoir toujours mes c t s? Non, non. Partez. S'il me parle, je sais r pondre. LISETTE. Je suis vous dans l'instant; je n'ai qu' donner cette lettre un laquais. LA COMTESSE. Non, Lisette: c'est une lettre de cons quence, et vous me ferez plaisir de la porter vous-m me, parce que, si le courier est pass , vous me la rapporterez, et je l'enverrai par une autre voie. Je ne me fie point aux valets: ils ne sont point exacts. LISETTE. Le courrier ne passe que dans deux heures, Madame. LA COMTESSE. Eh! allez, vous dis-je. Que sait-on? LISETTE, _ part_. Quel pr texte! (_Haut_.) Cette femme-l ne va pas droit avec moi. SC NE VII. LA COMTESSE, _seule_. Elle avoit la fureur de rester. Les domestiques sont ha ssables; il n'y a pas jusqu' leur z le qui ne vous d soblige. C'est toujours de travers qu'ils vous servent. SC NE VIII. LA COMTESSE, L PINE. L PINE. Madame, monsieur le Marquis vous a vue[56] de loin avec Lisette. Il demande s'il n'y a point de mal qu'il approche; il a le d sir de vous consulter, mais il se fait le scrupule[57] de vous tre importun. LA COMTESSE. Lui importun! Il ne sauroit l' tre. Dites-lui que je l'attends, L pine; qu'il vienne. L PINE. Je vais le r jouir de la nouvelle. Vous l'allez voir dans la minute. SC NE IX. L PINE, LE MARQUIS. L PINE, _appelant le Marquis_. Monsieur, venez prendre audience. Madame l'accorde. (_Quand le Marquis est venu, il lui dit part:_) Courage, Monsieur! l'accueil est gracieux, presque tendre: c'est un coeur qui demande qu'on le prenne. SC NE X. LA COMTESSE, LE MARQUIS. LA COMTESSE. Eh! d'o vient donc la c r monie que vous faites, Marquis?... Vous n'y songez pas.[58] LE MARQUIS. Madame, vous avez bien de la bont ... C'est que j'ai bien des choses vous dire. LA COMTESSE. Effectivement, vous me paroissez r veur, inquiet. LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai l'esprit en peine. J'ai besoin de conseil, j'ai besoin de gr ces, et le tout de votre part. LA COMTESSE. Tant mieux. Vous avez encore moins besoin de tout cela que je n'ai d'envie de vous tre bonne quelque chose. LE MARQUIS. O bonne! Il ne tient qu' vous de m' tre excellente, si vous voulez. LA COMTESSE. Comment, si je veux? Manquez-vous de confiance? Ah! je vous prie, ne me m nagez point. Vous pouvez tout sur moi, Marquis; je suis bien aise de vous le dire. LE MARQUIS. Cette assurance m'est bien agr able, et je serois tent d'en abuser. LA COMTESSE. J'ai grand'peur que vous ne r sistiez la tentation. Vous ne comptez pas assez sur vos amis, car vous tes si r serv , si retenu... LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai beaucoup de timidit . LA COMTESSE. Je fais de mon mieux pour vous l' ter, comme vous voyez. LE MARQUIS. Vous savez dans quelle situation je suis avec Hortense; que je dois l' pouser ou lui donner deux cent mille francs. LA COMTESSE. Oui, et je me suis aper ue que vous n'aviez pas grand go t pour elle. LE MARQUIS. Oh! on ne peut pas moins.[59] Je ne l'aime point du tout. LA COMTESSE. Je n'en suis pas surprise: son caract re est si diff rent du v tre! Elle a quelque chose de trop arrang [60] pour vous. LE MARQUIS. Vous y tes. Elle songe trop ses gr ces. Il faudroit toujours l'entretenir de compliments, et moi, ce n'est pas l mon fort. La coquetterie me g ne, elle me rend muet. LA COMTESSE. Ah! ah! je conviens qu'elle en a un peu; mais presque toutes les femmes sont de m me. Vous ne trouverez que cela partout, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Hors chez vous. Quelle diff rence, par exemple! Vous plaisez sans y penser. Ce n'est pas votre faute: vous ne savez pas seulement que vous tes aimable; mais d'autres le savent pour vous. LA COMTESSE. Moi, Marquis, je pense qu' cet gard-l les autres songent aussi peu moi que j'y songe moi-m me. LE MARQUIS. Oh! j'en connois qui ne vous disent pas tout ce qu'ils songent. LA COMTESSE. Eh! qui sont-ils, Marquis? Quelques amis comme vous, sans doute. LE MARQUIS. Bon, des amis! Voil bien de quoi! Vous n'en aurez encore de longtemps.[61] LA COMTESSE. Je vous suis oblig e du petit compliment que vous me faites en passant. LE MARQUIS. Point du tout. Je ne passe jamais, moi; je dis toujours expr s. LA COMTESSE, _riant_. Comment! vous qui ne voulez pas que j'aie encore des amis, est-ce que vous n' tes pas le mien? LE MARQUIS. Vous m'excuserez; mais, quand je serois autre chose,[62] il n'y auroit rien de surprenant. LA COMTESSE. Eh bien! je ne laisserois pas que d'en tre surprise.[63] LE MARQUIS. Et encore plus f ch e. LA COMTESSE. En v rit , surprise. Je veux pourtant croire que je suis aimable, puisque vous le dites. LE MARQUIS. O charmante! Et je serois bien heureux si Hortense vous ressembloit. Je l' pouserois d'un grand coeur, et j'ai bien de la peine m'y r soudre. LA COMTESSE. Je le crois, et ce seroit encore pis si vous aviez de l'inclination pour une autre. LE MARQUIS. Eh bien! c'est que justement le pis s'y trouve. LA COMTESSE, _par exclamation_. Oui? Vous aimez ailleurs? LE MARQUIS. De toute mon me. LA COMTESSE, _en souriant_. Je m'en suis dout e, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Et vous tes-vous dout e de la personne? LA COMTESSE. Non, mais vous me la direz. LE MARQUIS. Vous me feriez grand plaisir de la deviner. LA COMTESSE. Eh! pourquoi m'en donneriez-vous la peine, puisque vous voil ? LE MARQUIS. C'est que vous ne connoissez qu'elle:[64] c'est la plus aimable femme, la plus franche. Vous parlez de gens sans fa on: il n'y a personne comme elle; plus je la vois, plus je l'admire. LA COMTESSE. pousez-la, Marquis, pousez-la, et laissez l Hortense. Il n'y a point h siter: vous n'avez point d'autre parti prendre. LE MARQUIS. Oui, mais je songe une chose... N'y auroit-il pas moyen de me sauver les deux cent mille francs? Je vous parle coeur ouvert. LA COMTESSE. Regardez-moi dans cette occasion-ci comme une autre vous-m me. LE MARQUIS. Ah! que c'est bien dit! une autre moi-m me! LA COMTESSE. Ce qui me pla t en vous, c'est votre franchise, qui est une qualit admirable. Revenons. Comment vous sauver ces deux cent mille francs? LE MARQUIS. C'est que Hortense aime le Chevalier. Mais, propos, c'est votre parent? LA COMTESSE. Oh! parent de loin. LE MARQUIS. Or, de cet amour qu'elle a pour lui, je conclus qu'elle ne se soucie pas de moi. Je n'ai donc qu' faire semblant de vouloir l' pouser. Elle me refusera, et je ne lui devrai plus rien. Son refus me servira de quittance. LA COMTESSE. Oui-da,[65] vous pouvez le tenter. Ce n'est pas qu'il n'y ait du risque:[66] elle a du discernement, Marquis, Vous supposez qu'elle vous refusera; je n'en sais rien: vous n' tes pas homme d daigner. LE MARQUIS. Est-il vrai? LA COMTESSE. C'est mon sentiment. LE MARQUIS. Vous me flattez; vous encouragez ma franchise. LA COMTESSE. Je vous encourage! Eh! mais en tes-vous encore l ? Mettez-vous donc dans l'esprit que je ne demande qu' vous obliger, qu'il n'y a que l'impossible qui m'arr tera, et que vous devez compter sur tout ce qui d pendra de moi. Ne perdez point cela de vue, trange homme que vous tes, et achevez hardiment. Vous voulez des conseils, je vous en

recover

How many times the word 'recover' appears in the text?

Dorante: venez voir votre fille vous ob ir avec plus de joie qu'on n'en eut jamais. DORANTE. Qu'entends-je! vous, son p re, Monsieur? SILVIA. Oui, Dorante. La m me id e de nous conno tre nous est venue tous deux; apr s cela, je n'ai plus rien vous dire. Vous m'aimez, je n'en saurais douter; mais, votre tour, jugez de mes sentiments pour vous; jugez du cas que j'ai fait de votre coeur par la d licatesse avec laquelle j'ai t ch de l'acqu rir. M. ORGON. Connoissez-vous cette lettre-l ? Voil par o j'ai appris votre d guisement, qu'elle n'a pourtant su que par vous. DORANTE. Je ne saurais vous exprimer mon bonheur, Madame;[253] mais ce qui m'enchante le plus, ce sont les preuves que je vous ai donn es de ma tendresse. MARIO. Dorante me pardonne-t-il la col re o j'ai mis Bourguignon? DORANTE. Il ne vous la pardonne pas, il vous en remercie. ARLEQUIN. De la joie, Madame: vous avez perdu votre rang; mais vous n' tes point plaindre, puisqu'Arlequin vous reste. LISETTE. Belle consolation! il n'y a que toi qui gagne cela. ARLEQUIN. Je n'y perds pas. Avant notre reconnoissance, votre dot valoit mieux que vous; pr sent, vous valez mieux que votre dot. Allons, saute, marquis![254] * * * * * LE LEGS COM DIE EN UN ACTE, EN PROSE ACTEURS. LA COMTESSE. LE MARQUIS. HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. LISETTE,[1] suivante de la Comtesse. L PINE,[2] valet de chambre du Marquis. SC NE PREMI RE. LE CHEVALIER, HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. La d marche que vous allez faire aupr s du Marquis m'alarme. HORTENSE. Je ne risque rien, vous dis-je. Raisonnons. D funt son parent et le mien lui laisse six cent mille francs, la charge, il est vrai, de m' pouser ou de m'en donner deux cent mille: cela est son choix; mais le Marquis ne sent rien pour moi. Je suis s re qu'il a de l'inclination pour la Comtesse; d'ailleurs, il est d j assez riche par lui-m me: voil encore une succession de six cent mille francs qui lui vient, laquelle il ne s'attendoit pas; et vous croyez que, plut t que d'en distraire deux cent mille, il aimera mieux m' pouser, moi qui lui suis indiff rente, pendant qu'il a de l'amour pour la Comtesse, qui peut- tre ne le hait pas, et qui a plus de bien que moi? Il n'y a pas d'apparence. LE CHEVALIER. Mais quoi jugez-vous que la Comtesse ne le hait pas? HORTENSE. A mille petites remarques que je fais tous les jours, et je n'en suis pas surprise. Du caract re dont elle est, celui du Marquis doit tre de son go t. La Comtesse est une femme brusque, qui aime primer, gouverner, tre la ma tresse. Le Marquis est un homme doux, paisible, ais conduire; et voil ce qu'il faut la Comtesse. Aussi ne parle-t-elle de lui qu'avec loge. Son air de na vet lui pla t: c'est, dit-elle, le meilleur homme, le plus complaisant, le plus sociable. D'ailleurs, le Marquis est d'un ge qui lui convient; elle n'est plus de cette grande jeunesse:[3] il a trente-cinq ou quarante ans, et je vois bien qu'elle seroit charm e de vivre avec lui. LE CHEVALIER. J'ai peur que l' v nement[4] ne vous trompe. Ce n'est pas un petit objet que deux cent mille francs qu'il faudra qu'on vous donne si l'on ne vous pouse pas; et puis, quand le Marquis et la Comtesse s'aimeroient, de l'humeur dont ils sont tous deux, ils auront bien de la peine se le dire. HORTENSE. Oh! moyennant[5] l'embarras o je vais jeter le Marquis, il faudra bien qu'il parle; et je veux savoir quoi m'en tenir. Depuis le temps que nous sommes cette campagne,[6] chez la Comtesse, il ne me dit rien. Il y a six semaines qu'il se tait; je veux qu'il s'explique. Je ne perdrai pas le legs qui me revient si je n' pouse point le Marquis. LE CHEVALIER. Mais s'il accepte votre main? HORTENSE. Eh! non! vous dis-je. Laissez-moi faire. Je crois qu'il esp re que ce sera moi qui le refuserai. Peut- tre m me feindra-t-il de consentir notre union; mais que cela ne vous pouvante pas. Vous n' tes point assez riche pour m' pouser avec deux cent mille francs de moins: je suis bien aise de vous les apporter en mariage. Je suis persuad e que la Comtesse et le Marquis ne se ha ssent pas. Voyons ce que me diront l -dessus L pine et Lisette, qui vont venir me parler. L'un, est un Gascon froid,[7] mais adroit; Lisette a de l'esprit. Je sais qu'ils ont tous deux la confiance de leurs ma tres; je les int resserai m'instruire, et tout ira bien. Les voil qui viennent. Retirez-vous. SC NE II. LISETTE, L PINE, HORTENSE. HORTENSE. Venez, Lisette; approchez. LISETTE. Que souhaitez-vous de nous, Madame? HORTENSE. Rien que vous ne puissiez me dire sans blesser la fid lit que vous devez, vous au Marquis, et vous la Comtesse. LISETTE. Tant mieux, Madame. L PINE. Ce d but encourage. Nos services vous sont acquis. HORTENSE, _tire quelque argent de sa poche._ Tenez, Lisette, tout service m rite r compense. LISETTE, _refusant d'abord._ Du moins, Madame, faudroit-il savoir auparavant de quoi il s'agit. HORTENSE. Prenez; je vous le donne, quoi qu'il arrive. Voil pour vous, monsieur de L pine.[8] L PINE. Madame, je serois volontiers de l'avis de Mademoiselle; mais je prends. Le respect d fend que je raisonne. HORTENSE. Je ne pr tends vous engager en rien, et voici de quoi il est question. Le Marquis, votre ma tre, vous estime, L pine? L PINE, _froidement._ Extr mement, Madame; il me conno t. HORTENSE. Je remarque qu'il vous confie ais ment ce qu'il pense. L PINE. Oui. Madame, de toutes ses pens es incontinent[9] j'en ai copie; il n'en sait pas le compte mieux que moi. HORTENSE. Vous, Lisette, vous tes sur le m me ton[10] avec la Comtesse? LISETTE. J'ai cet honneur-l , Madame. HORTENSE. Dites-moi, L pine, je me figure que le Marquis aime la Comtesse. Me tromp -je? Il n'y a point d'inconv nient me dire ce qui en est. L PINE. Je n'affirme rien; mais patience: nous devons ce soir nous entretenir l -dessus. HORTENSE. Eh! soup onnez-vous qu'il l'aime? L PINE. De soup ons,[11] j'en ai de violents. Je m'en claircirai tant t. HORTENSE. Et vous, Lisette, quel est votre sentiment sur la Comtesse? LISETTE. Qu'elle ne songe point du tout au Marquis, Madame. L PINE. Je diff re avec vous de pens e.[12] HORTENSE. Je crois aussi qu'ils s'aiment. Et supposons que je ne me trompe pas: du caract re dont ils sont, ils auront de la peine s'en parler. Vous, L pine, voudriez-vous exciter le Marquis le d clarer la Comtesse? Et vous, Lisette, disposer la Comtesse se l'entendre dire? Ce sera une industrie fort innocente. L PINE. Et m me louable. LISETTE, _rendant l'argent._ Madame, permettez que je vous rende votre argent. HORTENSE, Gardez. D'o vient?[13] LISETTE. C'est qu'il me semble que voil , pr cis ment le service que vous exigez de moi, et c'est pr cis ment celui que je ne puis vous rendre. Ma ma tresse est veuve, elle est tranquille; son tat est heureux; ce seroit dommage de l'en tirer: je prie le Ciel qu'elle y reste. L PINE, _froidement._ Quant moi, je garde mon lot: rien ne m'oblige restitution. J'ai la volont de vous tre utile. Monsieur le Marquis vit dans le c libat; mais le mariage, il est bon, tr s bon; il a ses peines: chaque tat a les siennes; quelquefois le mien me p se. Le tout est gal.[14] Oui, je vous servirai, Madame, je vous servirai; je n'y vois point de mal. On s' pouse de tout temps, on s' pousera toujours; on n'a que cette honn te ressource quand on aime. HORTENSE. Vous me surprenez, Lisette, d'autant plus que je m'imaginois que vous pouviez vous aimer tous deux. LISETTE. C'est de quoi il n'est pas question de ma part. L PINE. De la mienne, j'en suis demeur l'estime. N anmoins, Mademoiselle est aimable; mais j'ai pass mon chemin sans y prendre garde. LISETTE. J'esp re que vous penserez toujours de m me. HORTENSE. Voil ce que j'avois vous dire. Adieu, Lisette; vous ferez ce qu'il vous plaira. Je ne vous demande que le secret. J'accepte vos services, L pine. SC NE III. L PINE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Nous n'avons rien nous dire, mons[15] de L pine. J'ai affaire, et je vous laisse. L PINE. Doucement, Mademoiselle; retardez d'un moment. Je trouve propos de vous informer d'un petit accident qui m'arrive. LISETTE. Voyons. L PINE. D'homme d'honneur,[16] je n'avois pas envisag vos gr ces; je ne connoissois pas votre mine. LISETTE. Qu'importe? Je vous en offre autant:[17] c'est tout au plus si je connois actuellement la v tre.[18] L PINE. Cette dame se figuroit que nous nous aimions. LISETTE. Eh bien! elle se figuroit mal. L PINE. Attendez, voici l'accident: son discours a fait que mes yeux se sont arr t s dessus[19] vous plus attentivement que de coutume. LISETTE. Vos yeux ont pris bien de la peine. L PINE. Et vous tes jolie, sandis![20] oh! tr s jolie! LISETTE. Ma foi, monsieur de L pine, vous tes tr s galant, oh! tr s galant. Mais l'ennui me prend d s qu'on me loue. Abr geons; est-ce l tout? L PINE. A mon exemple, envisagez-moi, je vous prie; faites-en l' preuve. LISETTE. Oui-da![21] Tenez, je vous regarde. L PINE. Eh donc! Est-ce l ce L pine que vous connoissiez? N'y voyez-vous rien[22] de nouveau? Que vous dit le coeur? LISETTE. Pas le mot; il n'y a rien l pour lui. L PINE. Quelquefois pourtant nombre de gens ont estim que j' tois un gar on assez revenant;[23] mais nous y retournerons: c'est partie remettre. coutez le restant. Il est certain que mon ma tre distingue[24] tendrement votre ma tresse. Aujourd'hui m me il m'a confi qu'il m ditoit de vous communiquer ses sentiments. LISETTE. Comme il lui plaira. La r ponse que j'aurai l'honneur de lui communiquer sera courte. L PINE. Remarquons d'abondance[25] que la Comtesse se pla t avec mon ma tre, qu'elle a l' me joyeuse en le voyant. Vous me direz que nos gens[26] sont d' tranges personnes, et je vous l'accorde. Le Marquis, homme tout simple, peu hasardeux dans le discours, n'osera jamais aventurer la d claration, et, des d clarations, la Comtesse les pouvante:[27] femme qui n glige les compliments, qui vous parle entre l'aigre et le doux, et dont l'entretien a je ne sais quoi de sec, de froid, de purement raisonnable. Le moyen que l'amour puisse tre mis en avant avec cette femme! Il ne sera jamais propos de lui dire: Je vous aime, moins qu'on ne lui dise[28] propos de rien. Cette mati re, avec elle, ne peut tomber que des nues. On dit qu'elle traite l'amour de bagatelle d'enfant; moi, je pr tends qu'elle a pris go t cette enfance.[29] Dans cette conjoncture, j'opine que nous encouragions ces deux personnages. Qu'en sera-t-il?[30] Qu'ils s'aimeront bonnement, en toute simplesse,[31] et qu'ils s' pouseront de m me. Qu'en sera-t-il? Qu'en me voyant votre camarade, vous me rendrez votre mari par la douce habitude de me voir. Eh donc! Parlez: tes-vous d'accord? LISETTE. Non. L PINE. Mademoiselle, est-ce mon amour qui vous d pla t? LISETTE. Oui. L PINE. En peu de mots vous dites beaucoup. Mais consid rez l'occurrence:[32] je vous pr dis que nos ma tres se marieront: que la commodit vous tente.[33] LISETTE. Je vous pr dis qu'ils ne se marieront point: je ne veux pas, moi. Ma ma tresse, comme vous dites fort habilement, tient l'amour au-dessous d'elle, et j'aurai soin de l'entretenir dans cette humeur, attendu qu'il n'est pas de mon petit int r t qu'elle se marie. Ma condition n'en seroit pas si bonne, entendez-vous? Il n'y a pas d'apparence que la Comtesse y gagne, et moi j'y perdrais beaucoup. J'ai fait un petit calcul l -dessus, au moyen duquel je trouve que tous vos arrangements me d rangent et ne me valent rien.[34] Ainsi, quelque jolie que je sois, continuez de n'en rien voir; laissez-la la d couverte que vous avez faite de mes gr ces, et passez toujours sans y prendre garde. L PINE, _froidement._ Je les ai vues, Mademoiselle; j'en suis frapp , et n'ai de rem de que votre coeur. LISETTE. Tenez-vous donc pour incurable. L PINE. Me donnez-vous votre dernier mot? LISETTE. Je n'y changerai pas une syllabe. (_Elle veut s'en aller._) L PINE, _l'arr tant_. Permettez que je reparte.[35] Vous calculez, moi de m me. Selon vous, il ne faut pas que nos gens se marient; il faut qu'ils s' pousent, selon moi: je le pr tends. LISETTE. Mauvaise gasconnade! L PINE. Patience. Je vous aime, et vous me refusez le r ciproque? Je calcule qu'il me fait besoin,[36] et je l'aurai, sandis![37] Je le pr tends. LISETTE. Vous ne l'aurez pas, sandis! L PINE. J'ai tout dit. Laissez parler mon ma tre, qui nous arrive. SC NE IV. LE MARQUIS, L PINE, LISETTE. LE MARQUIS. Ah! vous voici, Lisette! Je suis bien aise de vous trouver. LISETTE. Je vous suis oblig e, Monsieur; mais je m'en allois. LE MARQUIS. Vous vous en alliez? J'avois pourtant quelque chose vous dire. tes-vous un peu de nos amis? L PINE. Petitement. LISETTE. J'ai beaucoup d'estime et de respect pour monsieur le Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Tout de bon? Vous me faites plaisir, Lisette. Je fais beaucoup de cas de vous aussi; vous me paroissez une tr s bonne fille, et vous tes une ma tresse qui a bien du m rite. LISETTE. Il y a longtemps que je le sais, Monsieur. LE MARQUIS. Ne vous parle-t-elle jamais de moi? Que vous en dit-elle? LISETTE. Oh! rien. LE MARQUIS. C'est que, entre nous, il n'y a point de femme que j'aime tant qu'elle. LISETTE. Qu'appelez-vous aimer, monsieur le Marquis? Est-ce de l'amour que vous entendez? LE MARQUIS. Eh! mais oui, de l'amour, de l'inclination, comme tu voudras: le nom n'y fait rien. Je l'aime mieux qu'une autre.[38] Voil tout. LISETTE. Cela se peut. LE MARQUIS. Mais elle n'en sait rien; je n'ai pas os le lui apprendre. Je n'ai pas trop le talent de parler d'amour. LISETTE. C'est ce qui me semble. LE MARQUIS. Oui, cela m'embarrasse; et, comme ta ma tresse est une femme fort raisonnable, j'ai peur qu'elle ne se moque de moi, et je ne saurois plus que lui dire: de sorte que j'ai r v qu'il seroit bon que tu la pr vinsses en ma faveur. LISETTE. Je vous demande pardon, Monsieur; mais il falloit r ver tout le contraire. Je ne puis rien pour vous, en v rit . LE MARQUIS. Eh! d'o vient?[39] Je t'aurai grande obligation. Je payerai bien tes peines. (_Montrant L pine._) Et, si ce gar on-l te convenoit, je vous ferois un fort bon parti[40] tous les deux. L PINE, _froidement, et sans regarder Lisette_. Derechef,[41] recueillez-vous l -dessus, Mademoiselle. LISETTE. Il n'y a pas moyen, monsieur le Marquis. Si je parlois de vos sentiments ma ma tresse, vous avez beau dire que le nom n'y fait rien, je me brouillerais[42] avec elle; je vous y brouillerais vous-m me. Ne la connoissez-vous pas? LE MARQUIS. Tu crois donc qu'il n'y a rien faire? LISETTE. Absolument rien. LE MARQUIS. Tant pis. Cela me chagrine. Elle me fait tant d'amiti ,[43] cette femme! Allons, il ne faut donc plus y penser. L PINE, _froidement_. Monsieur, ne vous d confortez[44] pas. Du r cit de Mademoiselle, n'en tenez compte;[45] elle vous triche. Retirons-nous. Venez me consulter l' cart; je serai plus consolant. Partons. LE MARQUIS. Viens. Voyons ce que tu as me dire. Adieu, Lisette. Ne me nuis pas, voil tout ce que j'exige. SC NE V. L PINE, LISETTE. L PINE. N'exigez rien: ne g nons point Mademoiselle. Soyons galamment ennemis d clar s; faisons-nous du mal en toute franchise. Adieu, gentille personne. Je vous ch ris ni plus ni moins: gardez-moi votre coeur: c'est un d p t que je vous laisse. LISETTE. Adieu, mon pauvre L pine. Vous tes peut- tre de tous les fous de la Garonne[46] le plus effront , mais aussi le plus divertissant. SC NE VI. LA COMTESSE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Voici ma ma tresse. De l'humeur dont elle est, je crois que cet amour-ci ne la divertira gu re. Gare[47] que le Marquis ne soit bient t cong di ! LA COMTESSE, _tenant une lettre_. Tenez, Lisette, dites qu'on porte cette lettre la poste. En voil dix que j' cris depuis trois semaines. La sotte chose qu'un proc s! Que j'en suis lasse! Je ne m' tonne pas s'il y a tant de femmes qui se marient! LISETTE, _riant_. Bon! votre proc s! une affaire de mille francs! Voil quelque chose de bien consid rable pour vous! Avez-vous envie de vous remarier? J'ai votre affaire. LA COMTESSE. Qu'est-ce que c'est qu'envie de me remarier? Pourquoi me dites-vous cela? LISETTE. Ne vous f chez pas; je ne veux que vous divertir. LA COMTESSE. Ce pourrait tre quelqu'un de Paris qui vous auroit fait une confidence. En tout cas, ne me le nommez pas. LISETTE. Oh! il faut pourtant que vous connoissiez celui dont je parle. LA COMTESSE. Brisons l -dessus. Je r ve une chose: le Marquis n'a ici qu'un valet de chambre, dont il a peut- tre besoin, et je voulois lui demander s'il n'a pas quelque paquet mettre la poste: on le porteroit avec le mien. O est-il, le Marquis? L'as-tu vu ce matin? LISETTE. Oh! oui. Malepeste![48] il a ses raisons pour tre veill de bonne heure! Revenons au mari que j'ai vous donner, celui qui br le pour vous et que vous avez enflamm de passion... LA COMTESSE. Qui est ce ben t-l ? LISETTE. Vous le devinez. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui br le est un sot. Je ne veux rien savoir de Paris. LISETTE. Ce n'est point de Paris: votre conqu te est dans le ch teau. Vous l'appellez ben t; moi, je vais le flatter: c'est un soupirant qui a l'air fort simple, un air de bon homme. Y tes-vous? LA COMTESSE. Nullement. Qui est-ce qui ressemble celui-ci? LISETTE. Eh! le Marquis. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui est avec nous? LISETTE. Lui-m me. LA COMTESSE. Je n'avois garde d'y tre.[49] O as-tu pris son air simple et de bon homme? Dis donc un air franc et ouvert, la bonne heure: il sera reconnoissable. LISETTE. Ma foi, Madame, je vous le rends comme je le vois. LA COMTESSE. Tu le vois tr s mal, on ne peut pas plus mal: en mille ans on ne le devineroit pas ce portrait-l . Mais de qui tiens-tu ce que tu me contes de son amour? LISETTE. De lui, qui me l'a dit; rien que cela. N'en riez-vous pas? Ne faites pas semblant de le savoir. Au reste, il n'y a qu' vous en d faire tout doucement. LA COMTESSE. H las! je ne lui en veux point de mal.[50] C'est un fort honn te homme, un homme dont je fais cas, qui a d'excellentes qualit s; et j'aime encore mieux que ce soit lui qu'un autre. Mais ne te trompes-tu pas aussi? Il ne t'aura peut- tre parl que d'estime: il en a beaucoup pour moi, beaucoup; il me l'a marqu e en mille occasions d'une mani re fort obligeante. LISETTE. Non, Madame, c'est de l'amour qui regarde vos appas; il en a prononc le mot sans bredouiller comme l'ordinaire. C'est de la flamme... Il languit, il soupire. LA COMTESSE. Est-il possible? Sur ce pied-l , je le plains, car ce n'est pas un tourdi: il faut qu'il le sente, puisqu'il le dit; et ce n'est pas de ces gens-l dont[51] je me moque: jamais leur amour n'est ridicule. Mais il n'osera m'en parler, n'est-ce pas? LISETTE. Oh! ne craignez rien! j'y ai mis bon ordre:[52] il ne s'y jouera pas.[53] Je lui ai t toute esp rance. N'ai-je pas bien fait? LA COMTESSE. Mais oui, sans doute, oui, pourvu que vous ne l'ayez pas brusqu , pourtant. Il falloit y prendre garde: c'est un ami que je veux conserver. Et vous avez quelquefois le ton dur et rev che, Lisette; il valoit mieux le laisser dire. LISETTE. Point du tout. Il vouloit que je vous parlasse en sa faveur. LA COMTESSE. Ce pauvre homme! LISETTE. Et je lui ai r pondu que je ne pouvois pas m'en m ler, que je me brouillerais avec vous si je vous en parlois, que vous me donneriez mon cong , que vous lui donneriez le sien. LA COMTESSE. Le sien. Quelle grossi ret ! Ah! que c'est mal parler! Son cong ? Et m me est-ce que je vous aurois donn le v tre? Vous savez bien que non. D'o vient[54] mentir, Lisette? C'est un ennemi que vous m'allez faire d'un des hommes du monde que je consid re le plus et qui le m rite le mieux. Quel sot langage de domestique! Eh! il toit si simple de vous tenir[55] lui dire: Monsieur, je ne saurois; ce ne sont pas l mes affaires. Parlez-en vous-m me. Et je voudrais qu'il os t m'en parler, pour racommoder un peu votre malhonn tet . Son cong ! son cong ! Il va se croire insult . LISETTE. Eh non, Madame; il toit impossible de vous en d barrasser moins de frais. Faut-il que vous l'aimiez, de peur de le f cher? Voulez-vous tre sa femme par politesse, lui qui doit pouser Hortense? Je ne lui ai rien dit de trop; et vous en voil quitte. Mais je l'aper ois qui vient en r vant. vitez-le, vous avez le temps. LA COMTESSE. L' viter, lui qui me voit! Ah! je m'en garderai bien. Apr s les discours que vous lui avez tenus, il croirait que je les ai dict s. Non, non, je ne changerai rien ma fa on de vivre avec lui. Allez porter ma lettre. LISETTE, _ part_. Hum! il y a ici quelque chose. (_Haut_.) Madame, je suis d'avis de rester aupr s de vous. Cela m'arrive souvent, et vous en serez plus l'abri d'une d claration. LA COMTESSE. Belle finesse! Quand je lui chapperois aujourd'hui, ne me trouvera-t-il pas demain? Il faudrait donc vous avoir toujours mes c t s? Non, non. Partez. S'il me parle, je sais r pondre. LISETTE. Je suis vous dans l'instant; je n'ai qu' donner cette lettre un laquais. LA COMTESSE. Non, Lisette: c'est une lettre de cons quence, et vous me ferez plaisir de la porter vous-m me, parce que, si le courier est pass , vous me la rapporterez, et je l'enverrai par une autre voie. Je ne me fie point aux valets: ils ne sont point exacts. LISETTE. Le courrier ne passe que dans deux heures, Madame. LA COMTESSE. Eh! allez, vous dis-je. Que sait-on? LISETTE, _ part_. Quel pr texte! (_Haut_.) Cette femme-l ne va pas droit avec moi. SC NE VII. LA COMTESSE, _seule_. Elle avoit la fureur de rester. Les domestiques sont ha ssables; il n'y a pas jusqu' leur z le qui ne vous d soblige. C'est toujours de travers qu'ils vous servent. SC NE VIII. LA COMTESSE, L PINE. L PINE. Madame, monsieur le Marquis vous a vue[56] de loin avec Lisette. Il demande s'il n'y a point de mal qu'il approche; il a le d sir de vous consulter, mais il se fait le scrupule[57] de vous tre importun. LA COMTESSE. Lui importun! Il ne sauroit l' tre. Dites-lui que je l'attends, L pine; qu'il vienne. L PINE. Je vais le r jouir de la nouvelle. Vous l'allez voir dans la minute. SC NE IX. L PINE, LE MARQUIS. L PINE, _appelant le Marquis_. Monsieur, venez prendre audience. Madame l'accorde. (_Quand le Marquis est venu, il lui dit part:_) Courage, Monsieur! l'accueil est gracieux, presque tendre: c'est un coeur qui demande qu'on le prenne. SC NE X. LA COMTESSE, LE MARQUIS. LA COMTESSE. Eh! d'o vient donc la c r monie que vous faites, Marquis?... Vous n'y songez pas.[58] LE MARQUIS. Madame, vous avez bien de la bont ... C'est que j'ai bien des choses vous dire. LA COMTESSE. Effectivement, vous me paroissez r veur, inquiet. LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai l'esprit en peine. J'ai besoin de conseil, j'ai besoin de gr ces, et le tout de votre part. LA COMTESSE. Tant mieux. Vous avez encore moins besoin de tout cela que je n'ai d'envie de vous tre bonne quelque chose. LE MARQUIS. O bonne! Il ne tient qu' vous de m' tre excellente, si vous voulez. LA COMTESSE. Comment, si je veux? Manquez-vous de confiance? Ah! je vous prie, ne me m nagez point. Vous pouvez tout sur moi, Marquis; je suis bien aise de vous le dire. LE MARQUIS. Cette assurance m'est bien agr able, et je serois tent d'en abuser. LA COMTESSE. J'ai grand'peur que vous ne r sistiez la tentation. Vous ne comptez pas assez sur vos amis, car vous tes si r serv , si retenu... LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai beaucoup de timidit . LA COMTESSE. Je fais de mon mieux pour vous l' ter, comme vous voyez. LE MARQUIS. Vous savez dans quelle situation je suis avec Hortense; que je dois l' pouser ou lui donner deux cent mille francs. LA COMTESSE. Oui, et je me suis aper ue que vous n'aviez pas grand go t pour elle. LE MARQUIS. Oh! on ne peut pas moins.[59] Je ne l'aime point du tout. LA COMTESSE. Je n'en suis pas surprise: son caract re est si diff rent du v tre! Elle a quelque chose de trop arrang [60] pour vous. LE MARQUIS. Vous y tes. Elle songe trop ses gr ces. Il faudroit toujours l'entretenir de compliments, et moi, ce n'est pas l mon fort. La coquetterie me g ne, elle me rend muet. LA COMTESSE. Ah! ah! je conviens qu'elle en a un peu; mais presque toutes les femmes sont de m me. Vous ne trouverez que cela partout, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Hors chez vous. Quelle diff rence, par exemple! Vous plaisez sans y penser. Ce n'est pas votre faute: vous ne savez pas seulement que vous tes aimable; mais d'autres le savent pour vous. LA COMTESSE. Moi, Marquis, je pense qu' cet gard-l les autres songent aussi peu moi que j'y songe moi-m me. LE MARQUIS. Oh! j'en connois qui ne vous disent pas tout ce qu'ils songent. LA COMTESSE. Eh! qui sont-ils, Marquis? Quelques amis comme vous, sans doute. LE MARQUIS. Bon, des amis! Voil bien de quoi! Vous n'en aurez encore de longtemps.[61] LA COMTESSE. Je vous suis oblig e du petit compliment que vous me faites en passant. LE MARQUIS. Point du tout. Je ne passe jamais, moi; je dis toujours expr s. LA COMTESSE, _riant_. Comment! vous qui ne voulez pas que j'aie encore des amis, est-ce que vous n' tes pas le mien? LE MARQUIS. Vous m'excuserez; mais, quand je serois autre chose,[62] il n'y auroit rien de surprenant. LA COMTESSE. Eh bien! je ne laisserois pas que d'en tre surprise.[63] LE MARQUIS. Et encore plus f ch e. LA COMTESSE. En v rit , surprise. Je veux pourtant croire que je suis aimable, puisque vous le dites. LE MARQUIS. O charmante! Et je serois bien heureux si Hortense vous ressembloit. Je l' pouserois d'un grand coeur, et j'ai bien de la peine m'y r soudre. LA COMTESSE. Je le crois, et ce seroit encore pis si vous aviez de l'inclination pour une autre. LE MARQUIS. Eh bien! c'est que justement le pis s'y trouve. LA COMTESSE, _par exclamation_. Oui? Vous aimez ailleurs? LE MARQUIS. De toute mon me. LA COMTESSE, _en souriant_. Je m'en suis dout e, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Et vous tes-vous dout e de la personne? LA COMTESSE. Non, mais vous me la direz. LE MARQUIS. Vous me feriez grand plaisir de la deviner. LA COMTESSE. Eh! pourquoi m'en donneriez-vous la peine, puisque vous voil ? LE MARQUIS. C'est que vous ne connoissez qu'elle:[64] c'est la plus aimable femme, la plus franche. Vous parlez de gens sans fa on: il n'y a personne comme elle; plus je la vois, plus je l'admire. LA COMTESSE. pousez-la, Marquis, pousez-la, et laissez l Hortense. Il n'y a point h siter: vous n'avez point d'autre parti prendre. LE MARQUIS. Oui, mais je songe une chose... N'y auroit-il pas moyen de me sauver les deux cent mille francs? Je vous parle coeur ouvert. LA COMTESSE. Regardez-moi dans cette occasion-ci comme une autre vous-m me. LE MARQUIS. Ah! que c'est bien dit! une autre moi-m me! LA COMTESSE. Ce qui me pla t en vous, c'est votre franchise, qui est une qualit admirable. Revenons. Comment vous sauver ces deux cent mille francs? LE MARQUIS. C'est que Hortense aime le Chevalier. Mais, propos, c'est votre parent? LA COMTESSE. Oh! parent de loin. LE MARQUIS. Or, de cet amour qu'elle a pour lui, je conclus qu'elle ne se soucie pas de moi. Je n'ai donc qu' faire semblant de vouloir l' pouser. Elle me refusera, et je ne lui devrai plus rien. Son refus me servira de quittance. LA COMTESSE. Oui-da,[65] vous pouvez le tenter. Ce n'est pas qu'il n'y ait du risque:[66] elle a du discernement, Marquis, Vous supposez qu'elle vous refusera; je n'en sais rien: vous n' tes pas homme d daigner. LE MARQUIS. Est-il vrai? LA COMTESSE. C'est mon sentiment. LE MARQUIS. Vous me flattez; vous encouragez ma franchise. LA COMTESSE. Je vous encourage! Eh! mais en tes-vous encore l ? Mettez-vous donc dans l'esprit que je ne demande qu' vous obliger, qu'il n'y a que l'impossible qui m'arr tera, et que vous devez compter sur tout ce qui d pendra de moi. Ne perdez point cela de vue, trange homme que vous tes, et achevez hardiment. Vous voulez des conseils, je vous en

sacrifice

How many times the word 'sacrifice' appears in the text?

Dorante: venez voir votre fille vous ob ir avec plus de joie qu'on n'en eut jamais. DORANTE. Qu'entends-je! vous, son p re, Monsieur? SILVIA. Oui, Dorante. La m me id e de nous conno tre nous est venue tous deux; apr s cela, je n'ai plus rien vous dire. Vous m'aimez, je n'en saurais douter; mais, votre tour, jugez de mes sentiments pour vous; jugez du cas que j'ai fait de votre coeur par la d licatesse avec laquelle j'ai t ch de l'acqu rir. M. ORGON. Connoissez-vous cette lettre-l ? Voil par o j'ai appris votre d guisement, qu'elle n'a pourtant su que par vous. DORANTE. Je ne saurais vous exprimer mon bonheur, Madame;[253] mais ce qui m'enchante le plus, ce sont les preuves que je vous ai donn es de ma tendresse. MARIO. Dorante me pardonne-t-il la col re o j'ai mis Bourguignon? DORANTE. Il ne vous la pardonne pas, il vous en remercie. ARLEQUIN. De la joie, Madame: vous avez perdu votre rang; mais vous n' tes point plaindre, puisqu'Arlequin vous reste. LISETTE. Belle consolation! il n'y a que toi qui gagne cela. ARLEQUIN. Je n'y perds pas. Avant notre reconnoissance, votre dot valoit mieux que vous; pr sent, vous valez mieux que votre dot. Allons, saute, marquis![254] * * * * * LE LEGS COM DIE EN UN ACTE, EN PROSE ACTEURS. LA COMTESSE. LE MARQUIS. HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. LISETTE,[1] suivante de la Comtesse. L PINE,[2] valet de chambre du Marquis. SC NE PREMI RE. LE CHEVALIER, HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. La d marche que vous allez faire aupr s du Marquis m'alarme. HORTENSE. Je ne risque rien, vous dis-je. Raisonnons. D funt son parent et le mien lui laisse six cent mille francs, la charge, il est vrai, de m' pouser ou de m'en donner deux cent mille: cela est son choix; mais le Marquis ne sent rien pour moi. Je suis s re qu'il a de l'inclination pour la Comtesse; d'ailleurs, il est d j assez riche par lui-m me: voil encore une succession de six cent mille francs qui lui vient, laquelle il ne s'attendoit pas; et vous croyez que, plut t que d'en distraire deux cent mille, il aimera mieux m' pouser, moi qui lui suis indiff rente, pendant qu'il a de l'amour pour la Comtesse, qui peut- tre ne le hait pas, et qui a plus de bien que moi? Il n'y a pas d'apparence. LE CHEVALIER. Mais quoi jugez-vous que la Comtesse ne le hait pas? HORTENSE. A mille petites remarques que je fais tous les jours, et je n'en suis pas surprise. Du caract re dont elle est, celui du Marquis doit tre de son go t. La Comtesse est une femme brusque, qui aime primer, gouverner, tre la ma tresse. Le Marquis est un homme doux, paisible, ais conduire; et voil ce qu'il faut la Comtesse. Aussi ne parle-t-elle de lui qu'avec loge. Son air de na vet lui pla t: c'est, dit-elle, le meilleur homme, le plus complaisant, le plus sociable. D'ailleurs, le Marquis est d'un ge qui lui convient; elle n'est plus de cette grande jeunesse:[3] il a trente-cinq ou quarante ans, et je vois bien qu'elle seroit charm e de vivre avec lui. LE CHEVALIER. J'ai peur que l' v nement[4] ne vous trompe. Ce n'est pas un petit objet que deux cent mille francs qu'il faudra qu'on vous donne si l'on ne vous pouse pas; et puis, quand le Marquis et la Comtesse s'aimeroient, de l'humeur dont ils sont tous deux, ils auront bien de la peine se le dire. HORTENSE. Oh! moyennant[5] l'embarras o je vais jeter le Marquis, il faudra bien qu'il parle; et je veux savoir quoi m'en tenir. Depuis le temps que nous sommes cette campagne,[6] chez la Comtesse, il ne me dit rien. Il y a six semaines qu'il se tait; je veux qu'il s'explique. Je ne perdrai pas le legs qui me revient si je n' pouse point le Marquis. LE CHEVALIER. Mais s'il accepte votre main? HORTENSE. Eh! non! vous dis-je. Laissez-moi faire. Je crois qu'il esp re que ce sera moi qui le refuserai. Peut- tre m me feindra-t-il de consentir notre union; mais que cela ne vous pouvante pas. Vous n' tes point assez riche pour m' pouser avec deux cent mille francs de moins: je suis bien aise de vous les apporter en mariage. Je suis persuad e que la Comtesse et le Marquis ne se ha ssent pas. Voyons ce que me diront l -dessus L pine et Lisette, qui vont venir me parler. L'un, est un Gascon froid,[7] mais adroit; Lisette a de l'esprit. Je sais qu'ils ont tous deux la confiance de leurs ma tres; je les int resserai m'instruire, et tout ira bien. Les voil qui viennent. Retirez-vous. SC NE II. LISETTE, L PINE, HORTENSE. HORTENSE. Venez, Lisette; approchez. LISETTE. Que souhaitez-vous de nous, Madame? HORTENSE. Rien que vous ne puissiez me dire sans blesser la fid lit que vous devez, vous au Marquis, et vous la Comtesse. LISETTE. Tant mieux, Madame. L PINE. Ce d but encourage. Nos services vous sont acquis. HORTENSE, _tire quelque argent de sa poche._ Tenez, Lisette, tout service m rite r compense. LISETTE, _refusant d'abord._ Du moins, Madame, faudroit-il savoir auparavant de quoi il s'agit. HORTENSE. Prenez; je vous le donne, quoi qu'il arrive. Voil pour vous, monsieur de L pine.[8] L PINE. Madame, je serois volontiers de l'avis de Mademoiselle; mais je prends. Le respect d fend que je raisonne. HORTENSE. Je ne pr tends vous engager en rien, et voici de quoi il est question. Le Marquis, votre ma tre, vous estime, L pine? L PINE, _froidement._ Extr mement, Madame; il me conno t. HORTENSE. Je remarque qu'il vous confie ais ment ce qu'il pense. L PINE. Oui. Madame, de toutes ses pens es incontinent[9] j'en ai copie; il n'en sait pas le compte mieux que moi. HORTENSE. Vous, Lisette, vous tes sur le m me ton[10] avec la Comtesse? LISETTE. J'ai cet honneur-l , Madame. HORTENSE. Dites-moi, L pine, je me figure que le Marquis aime la Comtesse. Me tromp -je? Il n'y a point d'inconv nient me dire ce qui en est. L PINE. Je n'affirme rien; mais patience: nous devons ce soir nous entretenir l -dessus. HORTENSE. Eh! soup onnez-vous qu'il l'aime? L PINE. De soup ons,[11] j'en ai de violents. Je m'en claircirai tant t. HORTENSE. Et vous, Lisette, quel est votre sentiment sur la Comtesse? LISETTE. Qu'elle ne songe point du tout au Marquis, Madame. L PINE. Je diff re avec vous de pens e.[12] HORTENSE. Je crois aussi qu'ils s'aiment. Et supposons que je ne me trompe pas: du caract re dont ils sont, ils auront de la peine s'en parler. Vous, L pine, voudriez-vous exciter le Marquis le d clarer la Comtesse? Et vous, Lisette, disposer la Comtesse se l'entendre dire? Ce sera une industrie fort innocente. L PINE. Et m me louable. LISETTE, _rendant l'argent._ Madame, permettez que je vous rende votre argent. HORTENSE, Gardez. D'o vient?[13] LISETTE. C'est qu'il me semble que voil , pr cis ment le service que vous exigez de moi, et c'est pr cis ment celui que je ne puis vous rendre. Ma ma tresse est veuve, elle est tranquille; son tat est heureux; ce seroit dommage de l'en tirer: je prie le Ciel qu'elle y reste. L PINE, _froidement._ Quant moi, je garde mon lot: rien ne m'oblige restitution. J'ai la volont de vous tre utile. Monsieur le Marquis vit dans le c libat; mais le mariage, il est bon, tr s bon; il a ses peines: chaque tat a les siennes; quelquefois le mien me p se. Le tout est gal.[14] Oui, je vous servirai, Madame, je vous servirai; je n'y vois point de mal. On s' pouse de tout temps, on s' pousera toujours; on n'a que cette honn te ressource quand on aime. HORTENSE. Vous me surprenez, Lisette, d'autant plus que je m'imaginois que vous pouviez vous aimer tous deux. LISETTE. C'est de quoi il n'est pas question de ma part. L PINE. De la mienne, j'en suis demeur l'estime. N anmoins, Mademoiselle est aimable; mais j'ai pass mon chemin sans y prendre garde. LISETTE. J'esp re que vous penserez toujours de m me. HORTENSE. Voil ce que j'avois vous dire. Adieu, Lisette; vous ferez ce qu'il vous plaira. Je ne vous demande que le secret. J'accepte vos services, L pine. SC NE III. L PINE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Nous n'avons rien nous dire, mons[15] de L pine. J'ai affaire, et je vous laisse. L PINE. Doucement, Mademoiselle; retardez d'un moment. Je trouve propos de vous informer d'un petit accident qui m'arrive. LISETTE. Voyons. L PINE. D'homme d'honneur,[16] je n'avois pas envisag vos gr ces; je ne connoissois pas votre mine. LISETTE. Qu'importe? Je vous en offre autant:[17] c'est tout au plus si je connois actuellement la v tre.[18] L PINE. Cette dame se figuroit que nous nous aimions. LISETTE. Eh bien! elle se figuroit mal. L PINE. Attendez, voici l'accident: son discours a fait que mes yeux se sont arr t s dessus[19] vous plus attentivement que de coutume. LISETTE. Vos yeux ont pris bien de la peine. L PINE. Et vous tes jolie, sandis![20] oh! tr s jolie! LISETTE. Ma foi, monsieur de L pine, vous tes tr s galant, oh! tr s galant. Mais l'ennui me prend d s qu'on me loue. Abr geons; est-ce l tout? L PINE. A mon exemple, envisagez-moi, je vous prie; faites-en l' preuve. LISETTE. Oui-da![21] Tenez, je vous regarde. L PINE. Eh donc! Est-ce l ce L pine que vous connoissiez? N'y voyez-vous rien[22] de nouveau? Que vous dit le coeur? LISETTE. Pas le mot; il n'y a rien l pour lui. L PINE. Quelquefois pourtant nombre de gens ont estim que j' tois un gar on assez revenant;[23] mais nous y retournerons: c'est partie remettre. coutez le restant. Il est certain que mon ma tre distingue[24] tendrement votre ma tresse. Aujourd'hui m me il m'a confi qu'il m ditoit de vous communiquer ses sentiments. LISETTE. Comme il lui plaira. La r ponse que j'aurai l'honneur de lui communiquer sera courte. L PINE. Remarquons d'abondance[25] que la Comtesse se pla t avec mon ma tre, qu'elle a l' me joyeuse en le voyant. Vous me direz que nos gens[26] sont d' tranges personnes, et je vous l'accorde. Le Marquis, homme tout simple, peu hasardeux dans le discours, n'osera jamais aventurer la d claration, et, des d clarations, la Comtesse les pouvante:[27] femme qui n glige les compliments, qui vous parle entre l'aigre et le doux, et dont l'entretien a je ne sais quoi de sec, de froid, de purement raisonnable. Le moyen que l'amour puisse tre mis en avant avec cette femme! Il ne sera jamais propos de lui dire: Je vous aime, moins qu'on ne lui dise[28] propos de rien. Cette mati re, avec elle, ne peut tomber que des nues. On dit qu'elle traite l'amour de bagatelle d'enfant; moi, je pr tends qu'elle a pris go t cette enfance.[29] Dans cette conjoncture, j'opine que nous encouragions ces deux personnages. Qu'en sera-t-il?[30] Qu'ils s'aimeront bonnement, en toute simplesse,[31] et qu'ils s' pouseront de m me. Qu'en sera-t-il? Qu'en me voyant votre camarade, vous me rendrez votre mari par la douce habitude de me voir. Eh donc! Parlez: tes-vous d'accord? LISETTE. Non. L PINE. Mademoiselle, est-ce mon amour qui vous d pla t? LISETTE. Oui. L PINE. En peu de mots vous dites beaucoup. Mais consid rez l'occurrence:[32] je vous pr dis que nos ma tres se marieront: que la commodit vous tente.[33] LISETTE. Je vous pr dis qu'ils ne se marieront point: je ne veux pas, moi. Ma ma tresse, comme vous dites fort habilement, tient l'amour au-dessous d'elle, et j'aurai soin de l'entretenir dans cette humeur, attendu qu'il n'est pas de mon petit int r t qu'elle se marie. Ma condition n'en seroit pas si bonne, entendez-vous? Il n'y a pas d'apparence que la Comtesse y gagne, et moi j'y perdrais beaucoup. J'ai fait un petit calcul l -dessus, au moyen duquel je trouve que tous vos arrangements me d rangent et ne me valent rien.[34] Ainsi, quelque jolie que je sois, continuez de n'en rien voir; laissez-la la d couverte que vous avez faite de mes gr ces, et passez toujours sans y prendre garde. L PINE, _froidement._ Je les ai vues, Mademoiselle; j'en suis frapp , et n'ai de rem de que votre coeur. LISETTE. Tenez-vous donc pour incurable. L PINE. Me donnez-vous votre dernier mot? LISETTE. Je n'y changerai pas une syllabe. (_Elle veut s'en aller._) L PINE, _l'arr tant_. Permettez que je reparte.[35] Vous calculez, moi de m me. Selon vous, il ne faut pas que nos gens se marient; il faut qu'ils s' pousent, selon moi: je le pr tends. LISETTE. Mauvaise gasconnade! L PINE. Patience. Je vous aime, et vous me refusez le r ciproque? Je calcule qu'il me fait besoin,[36] et je l'aurai, sandis![37] Je le pr tends. LISETTE. Vous ne l'aurez pas, sandis! L PINE. J'ai tout dit. Laissez parler mon ma tre, qui nous arrive. SC NE IV. LE MARQUIS, L PINE, LISETTE. LE MARQUIS. Ah! vous voici, Lisette! Je suis bien aise de vous trouver. LISETTE. Je vous suis oblig e, Monsieur; mais je m'en allois. LE MARQUIS. Vous vous en alliez? J'avois pourtant quelque chose vous dire. tes-vous un peu de nos amis? L PINE. Petitement. LISETTE. J'ai beaucoup d'estime et de respect pour monsieur le Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Tout de bon? Vous me faites plaisir, Lisette. Je fais beaucoup de cas de vous aussi; vous me paroissez une tr s bonne fille, et vous tes une ma tresse qui a bien du m rite. LISETTE. Il y a longtemps que je le sais, Monsieur. LE MARQUIS. Ne vous parle-t-elle jamais de moi? Que vous en dit-elle? LISETTE. Oh! rien. LE MARQUIS. C'est que, entre nous, il n'y a point de femme que j'aime tant qu'elle. LISETTE. Qu'appelez-vous aimer, monsieur le Marquis? Est-ce de l'amour que vous entendez? LE MARQUIS. Eh! mais oui, de l'amour, de l'inclination, comme tu voudras: le nom n'y fait rien. Je l'aime mieux qu'une autre.[38] Voil tout. LISETTE. Cela se peut. LE MARQUIS. Mais elle n'en sait rien; je n'ai pas os le lui apprendre. Je n'ai pas trop le talent de parler d'amour. LISETTE. C'est ce qui me semble. LE MARQUIS. Oui, cela m'embarrasse; et, comme ta ma tresse est une femme fort raisonnable, j'ai peur qu'elle ne se moque de moi, et je ne saurois plus que lui dire: de sorte que j'ai r v qu'il seroit bon que tu la pr vinsses en ma faveur. LISETTE. Je vous demande pardon, Monsieur; mais il falloit r ver tout le contraire. Je ne puis rien pour vous, en v rit . LE MARQUIS. Eh! d'o vient?[39] Je t'aurai grande obligation. Je payerai bien tes peines. (_Montrant L pine._) Et, si ce gar on-l te convenoit, je vous ferois un fort bon parti[40] tous les deux. L PINE, _froidement, et sans regarder Lisette_. Derechef,[41] recueillez-vous l -dessus, Mademoiselle. LISETTE. Il n'y a pas moyen, monsieur le Marquis. Si je parlois de vos sentiments ma ma tresse, vous avez beau dire que le nom n'y fait rien, je me brouillerais[42] avec elle; je vous y brouillerais vous-m me. Ne la connoissez-vous pas? LE MARQUIS. Tu crois donc qu'il n'y a rien faire? LISETTE. Absolument rien. LE MARQUIS. Tant pis. Cela me chagrine. Elle me fait tant d'amiti ,[43] cette femme! Allons, il ne faut donc plus y penser. L PINE, _froidement_. Monsieur, ne vous d confortez[44] pas. Du r cit de Mademoiselle, n'en tenez compte;[45] elle vous triche. Retirons-nous. Venez me consulter l' cart; je serai plus consolant. Partons. LE MARQUIS. Viens. Voyons ce que tu as me dire. Adieu, Lisette. Ne me nuis pas, voil tout ce que j'exige. SC NE V. L PINE, LISETTE. L PINE. N'exigez rien: ne g nons point Mademoiselle. Soyons galamment ennemis d clar s; faisons-nous du mal en toute franchise. Adieu, gentille personne. Je vous ch ris ni plus ni moins: gardez-moi votre coeur: c'est un d p t que je vous laisse. LISETTE. Adieu, mon pauvre L pine. Vous tes peut- tre de tous les fous de la Garonne[46] le plus effront , mais aussi le plus divertissant. SC NE VI. LA COMTESSE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Voici ma ma tresse. De l'humeur dont elle est, je crois que cet amour-ci ne la divertira gu re. Gare[47] que le Marquis ne soit bient t cong di ! LA COMTESSE, _tenant une lettre_. Tenez, Lisette, dites qu'on porte cette lettre la poste. En voil dix que j' cris depuis trois semaines. La sotte chose qu'un proc s! Que j'en suis lasse! Je ne m' tonne pas s'il y a tant de femmes qui se marient! LISETTE, _riant_. Bon! votre proc s! une affaire de mille francs! Voil quelque chose de bien consid rable pour vous! Avez-vous envie de vous remarier? J'ai votre affaire. LA COMTESSE. Qu'est-ce que c'est qu'envie de me remarier? Pourquoi me dites-vous cela? LISETTE. Ne vous f chez pas; je ne veux que vous divertir. LA COMTESSE. Ce pourrait tre quelqu'un de Paris qui vous auroit fait une confidence. En tout cas, ne me le nommez pas. LISETTE. Oh! il faut pourtant que vous connoissiez celui dont je parle. LA COMTESSE. Brisons l -dessus. Je r ve une chose: le Marquis n'a ici qu'un valet de chambre, dont il a peut- tre besoin, et je voulois lui demander s'il n'a pas quelque paquet mettre la poste: on le porteroit avec le mien. O est-il, le Marquis? L'as-tu vu ce matin? LISETTE. Oh! oui. Malepeste![48] il a ses raisons pour tre veill de bonne heure! Revenons au mari que j'ai vous donner, celui qui br le pour vous et que vous avez enflamm de passion... LA COMTESSE. Qui est ce ben t-l ? LISETTE. Vous le devinez. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui br le est un sot. Je ne veux rien savoir de Paris. LISETTE. Ce n'est point de Paris: votre conqu te est dans le ch teau. Vous l'appellez ben t; moi, je vais le flatter: c'est un soupirant qui a l'air fort simple, un air de bon homme. Y tes-vous? LA COMTESSE. Nullement. Qui est-ce qui ressemble celui-ci? LISETTE. Eh! le Marquis. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui est avec nous? LISETTE. Lui-m me. LA COMTESSE. Je n'avois garde d'y tre.[49] O as-tu pris son air simple et de bon homme? Dis donc un air franc et ouvert, la bonne heure: il sera reconnoissable. LISETTE. Ma foi, Madame, je vous le rends comme je le vois. LA COMTESSE. Tu le vois tr s mal, on ne peut pas plus mal: en mille ans on ne le devineroit pas ce portrait-l . Mais de qui tiens-tu ce que tu me contes de son amour? LISETTE. De lui, qui me l'a dit; rien que cela. N'en riez-vous pas? Ne faites pas semblant de le savoir. Au reste, il n'y a qu' vous en d faire tout doucement. LA COMTESSE. H las! je ne lui en veux point de mal.[50] C'est un fort honn te homme, un homme dont je fais cas, qui a d'excellentes qualit s; et j'aime encore mieux que ce soit lui qu'un autre. Mais ne te trompes-tu pas aussi? Il ne t'aura peut- tre parl que d'estime: il en a beaucoup pour moi, beaucoup; il me l'a marqu e en mille occasions d'une mani re fort obligeante. LISETTE. Non, Madame, c'est de l'amour qui regarde vos appas; il en a prononc le mot sans bredouiller comme l'ordinaire. C'est de la flamme... Il languit, il soupire. LA COMTESSE. Est-il possible? Sur ce pied-l , je le plains, car ce n'est pas un tourdi: il faut qu'il le sente, puisqu'il le dit; et ce n'est pas de ces gens-l dont[51] je me moque: jamais leur amour n'est ridicule. Mais il n'osera m'en parler, n'est-ce pas? LISETTE. Oh! ne craignez rien! j'y ai mis bon ordre:[52] il ne s'y jouera pas.[53] Je lui ai t toute esp rance. N'ai-je pas bien fait? LA COMTESSE. Mais oui, sans doute, oui, pourvu que vous ne l'ayez pas brusqu , pourtant. Il falloit y prendre garde: c'est un ami que je veux conserver. Et vous avez quelquefois le ton dur et rev che, Lisette; il valoit mieux le laisser dire. LISETTE. Point du tout. Il vouloit que je vous parlasse en sa faveur. LA COMTESSE. Ce pauvre homme! LISETTE. Et je lui ai r pondu que je ne pouvois pas m'en m ler, que je me brouillerais avec vous si je vous en parlois, que vous me donneriez mon cong , que vous lui donneriez le sien. LA COMTESSE. Le sien. Quelle grossi ret ! Ah! que c'est mal parler! Son cong ? Et m me est-ce que je vous aurois donn le v tre? Vous savez bien que non. D'o vient[54] mentir, Lisette? C'est un ennemi que vous m'allez faire d'un des hommes du monde que je consid re le plus et qui le m rite le mieux. Quel sot langage de domestique! Eh! il toit si simple de vous tenir[55] lui dire: Monsieur, je ne saurois; ce ne sont pas l mes affaires. Parlez-en vous-m me. Et je voudrais qu'il os t m'en parler, pour racommoder un peu votre malhonn tet . Son cong ! son cong ! Il va se croire insult . LISETTE. Eh non, Madame; il toit impossible de vous en d barrasser moins de frais. Faut-il que vous l'aimiez, de peur de le f cher? Voulez-vous tre sa femme par politesse, lui qui doit pouser Hortense? Je ne lui ai rien dit de trop; et vous en voil quitte. Mais je l'aper ois qui vient en r vant. vitez-le, vous avez le temps. LA COMTESSE. L' viter, lui qui me voit! Ah! je m'en garderai bien. Apr s les discours que vous lui avez tenus, il croirait que je les ai dict s. Non, non, je ne changerai rien ma fa on de vivre avec lui. Allez porter ma lettre. LISETTE, _ part_. Hum! il y a ici quelque chose. (_Haut_.) Madame, je suis d'avis de rester aupr s de vous. Cela m'arrive souvent, et vous en serez plus l'abri d'une d claration. LA COMTESSE. Belle finesse! Quand je lui chapperois aujourd'hui, ne me trouvera-t-il pas demain? Il faudrait donc vous avoir toujours mes c t s? Non, non. Partez. S'il me parle, je sais r pondre. LISETTE. Je suis vous dans l'instant; je n'ai qu' donner cette lettre un laquais. LA COMTESSE. Non, Lisette: c'est une lettre de cons quence, et vous me ferez plaisir de la porter vous-m me, parce que, si le courier est pass , vous me la rapporterez, et je l'enverrai par une autre voie. Je ne me fie point aux valets: ils ne sont point exacts. LISETTE. Le courrier ne passe que dans deux heures, Madame. LA COMTESSE. Eh! allez, vous dis-je. Que sait-on? LISETTE, _ part_. Quel pr texte! (_Haut_.) Cette femme-l ne va pas droit avec moi. SC NE VII. LA COMTESSE, _seule_. Elle avoit la fureur de rester. Les domestiques sont ha ssables; il n'y a pas jusqu' leur z le qui ne vous d soblige. C'est toujours de travers qu'ils vous servent. SC NE VIII. LA COMTESSE, L PINE. L PINE. Madame, monsieur le Marquis vous a vue[56] de loin avec Lisette. Il demande s'il n'y a point de mal qu'il approche; il a le d sir de vous consulter, mais il se fait le scrupule[57] de vous tre importun. LA COMTESSE. Lui importun! Il ne sauroit l' tre. Dites-lui que je l'attends, L pine; qu'il vienne. L PINE. Je vais le r jouir de la nouvelle. Vous l'allez voir dans la minute. SC NE IX. L PINE, LE MARQUIS. L PINE, _appelant le Marquis_. Monsieur, venez prendre audience. Madame l'accorde. (_Quand le Marquis est venu, il lui dit part:_) Courage, Monsieur! l'accueil est gracieux, presque tendre: c'est un coeur qui demande qu'on le prenne. SC NE X. LA COMTESSE, LE MARQUIS. LA COMTESSE. Eh! d'o vient donc la c r monie que vous faites, Marquis?... Vous n'y songez pas.[58] LE MARQUIS. Madame, vous avez bien de la bont ... C'est que j'ai bien des choses vous dire. LA COMTESSE. Effectivement, vous me paroissez r veur, inquiet. LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai l'esprit en peine. J'ai besoin de conseil, j'ai besoin de gr ces, et le tout de votre part. LA COMTESSE. Tant mieux. Vous avez encore moins besoin de tout cela que je n'ai d'envie de vous tre bonne quelque chose. LE MARQUIS. O bonne! Il ne tient qu' vous de m' tre excellente, si vous voulez. LA COMTESSE. Comment, si je veux? Manquez-vous de confiance? Ah! je vous prie, ne me m nagez point. Vous pouvez tout sur moi, Marquis; je suis bien aise de vous le dire. LE MARQUIS. Cette assurance m'est bien agr able, et je serois tent d'en abuser. LA COMTESSE. J'ai grand'peur que vous ne r sistiez la tentation. Vous ne comptez pas assez sur vos amis, car vous tes si r serv , si retenu... LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai beaucoup de timidit . LA COMTESSE. Je fais de mon mieux pour vous l' ter, comme vous voyez. LE MARQUIS. Vous savez dans quelle situation je suis avec Hortense; que je dois l' pouser ou lui donner deux cent mille francs. LA COMTESSE. Oui, et je me suis aper ue que vous n'aviez pas grand go t pour elle. LE MARQUIS. Oh! on ne peut pas moins.[59] Je ne l'aime point du tout. LA COMTESSE. Je n'en suis pas surprise: son caract re est si diff rent du v tre! Elle a quelque chose de trop arrang [60] pour vous. LE MARQUIS. Vous y tes. Elle songe trop ses gr ces. Il faudroit toujours l'entretenir de compliments, et moi, ce n'est pas l mon fort. La coquetterie me g ne, elle me rend muet. LA COMTESSE. Ah! ah! je conviens qu'elle en a un peu; mais presque toutes les femmes sont de m me. Vous ne trouverez que cela partout, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Hors chez vous. Quelle diff rence, par exemple! Vous plaisez sans y penser. Ce n'est pas votre faute: vous ne savez pas seulement que vous tes aimable; mais d'autres le savent pour vous. LA COMTESSE. Moi, Marquis, je pense qu' cet gard-l les autres songent aussi peu moi que j'y songe moi-m me. LE MARQUIS. Oh! j'en connois qui ne vous disent pas tout ce qu'ils songent. LA COMTESSE. Eh! qui sont-ils, Marquis? Quelques amis comme vous, sans doute. LE MARQUIS. Bon, des amis! Voil bien de quoi! Vous n'en aurez encore de longtemps.[61] LA COMTESSE. Je vous suis oblig e du petit compliment que vous me faites en passant. LE MARQUIS. Point du tout. Je ne passe jamais, moi; je dis toujours expr s. LA COMTESSE, _riant_. Comment! vous qui ne voulez pas que j'aie encore des amis, est-ce que vous n' tes pas le mien? LE MARQUIS. Vous m'excuserez; mais, quand je serois autre chose,[62] il n'y auroit rien de surprenant. LA COMTESSE. Eh bien! je ne laisserois pas que d'en tre surprise.[63] LE MARQUIS. Et encore plus f ch e. LA COMTESSE. En v rit , surprise. Je veux pourtant croire que je suis aimable, puisque vous le dites. LE MARQUIS. O charmante! Et je serois bien heureux si Hortense vous ressembloit. Je l' pouserois d'un grand coeur, et j'ai bien de la peine m'y r soudre. LA COMTESSE. Je le crois, et ce seroit encore pis si vous aviez de l'inclination pour une autre. LE MARQUIS. Eh bien! c'est que justement le pis s'y trouve. LA COMTESSE, _par exclamation_. Oui? Vous aimez ailleurs? LE MARQUIS. De toute mon me. LA COMTESSE, _en souriant_. Je m'en suis dout e, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Et vous tes-vous dout e de la personne? LA COMTESSE. Non, mais vous me la direz. LE MARQUIS. Vous me feriez grand plaisir de la deviner. LA COMTESSE. Eh! pourquoi m'en donneriez-vous la peine, puisque vous voil ? LE MARQUIS. C'est que vous ne connoissez qu'elle:[64] c'est la plus aimable femme, la plus franche. Vous parlez de gens sans fa on: il n'y a personne comme elle; plus je la vois, plus je l'admire. LA COMTESSE. pousez-la, Marquis, pousez-la, et laissez l Hortense. Il n'y a point h siter: vous n'avez point d'autre parti prendre. LE MARQUIS. Oui, mais je songe une chose... N'y auroit-il pas moyen de me sauver les deux cent mille francs? Je vous parle coeur ouvert. LA COMTESSE. Regardez-moi dans cette occasion-ci comme une autre vous-m me. LE MARQUIS. Ah! que c'est bien dit! une autre moi-m me! LA COMTESSE. Ce qui me pla t en vous, c'est votre franchise, qui est une qualit admirable. Revenons. Comment vous sauver ces deux cent mille francs? LE MARQUIS. C'est que Hortense aime le Chevalier. Mais, propos, c'est votre parent? LA COMTESSE. Oh! parent de loin. LE MARQUIS. Or, de cet amour qu'elle a pour lui, je conclus qu'elle ne se soucie pas de moi. Je n'ai donc qu' faire semblant de vouloir l' pouser. Elle me refusera, et je ne lui devrai plus rien. Son refus me servira de quittance. LA COMTESSE. Oui-da,[65] vous pouvez le tenter. Ce n'est pas qu'il n'y ait du risque:[66] elle a du discernement, Marquis, Vous supposez qu'elle vous refusera; je n'en sais rien: vous n' tes pas homme d daigner. LE MARQUIS. Est-il vrai? LA COMTESSE. C'est mon sentiment. LE MARQUIS. Vous me flattez; vous encouragez ma franchise. LA COMTESSE. Je vous encourage! Eh! mais en tes-vous encore l ? Mettez-vous donc dans l'esprit que je ne demande qu' vous obliger, qu'il n'y a que l'impossible qui m'arr tera, et que vous devez compter sur tout ce qui d pendra de moi. Ne perdez point cela de vue, trange homme que vous tes, et achevez hardiment. Vous voulez des conseils, je vous en

syllabe

How many times the word 'syllabe' appears in the text?

Dorante: venez voir votre fille vous ob ir avec plus de joie qu'on n'en eut jamais. DORANTE. Qu'entends-je! vous, son p re, Monsieur? SILVIA. Oui, Dorante. La m me id e de nous conno tre nous est venue tous deux; apr s cela, je n'ai plus rien vous dire. Vous m'aimez, je n'en saurais douter; mais, votre tour, jugez de mes sentiments pour vous; jugez du cas que j'ai fait de votre coeur par la d licatesse avec laquelle j'ai t ch de l'acqu rir. M. ORGON. Connoissez-vous cette lettre-l ? Voil par o j'ai appris votre d guisement, qu'elle n'a pourtant su que par vous. DORANTE. Je ne saurais vous exprimer mon bonheur, Madame;[253] mais ce qui m'enchante le plus, ce sont les preuves que je vous ai donn es de ma tendresse. MARIO. Dorante me pardonne-t-il la col re o j'ai mis Bourguignon? DORANTE. Il ne vous la pardonne pas, il vous en remercie. ARLEQUIN. De la joie, Madame: vous avez perdu votre rang; mais vous n' tes point plaindre, puisqu'Arlequin vous reste. LISETTE. Belle consolation! il n'y a que toi qui gagne cela. ARLEQUIN. Je n'y perds pas. Avant notre reconnoissance, votre dot valoit mieux que vous; pr sent, vous valez mieux que votre dot. Allons, saute, marquis![254] * * * * * LE LEGS COM DIE EN UN ACTE, EN PROSE ACTEURS. LA COMTESSE. LE MARQUIS. HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. LISETTE,[1] suivante de la Comtesse. L PINE,[2] valet de chambre du Marquis. SC NE PREMI RE. LE CHEVALIER, HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. La d marche que vous allez faire aupr s du Marquis m'alarme. HORTENSE. Je ne risque rien, vous dis-je. Raisonnons. D funt son parent et le mien lui laisse six cent mille francs, la charge, il est vrai, de m' pouser ou de m'en donner deux cent mille: cela est son choix; mais le Marquis ne sent rien pour moi. Je suis s re qu'il a de l'inclination pour la Comtesse; d'ailleurs, il est d j assez riche par lui-m me: voil encore une succession de six cent mille francs qui lui vient, laquelle il ne s'attendoit pas; et vous croyez que, plut t que d'en distraire deux cent mille, il aimera mieux m' pouser, moi qui lui suis indiff rente, pendant qu'il a de l'amour pour la Comtesse, qui peut- tre ne le hait pas, et qui a plus de bien que moi? Il n'y a pas d'apparence. LE CHEVALIER. Mais quoi jugez-vous que la Comtesse ne le hait pas? HORTENSE. A mille petites remarques que je fais tous les jours, et je n'en suis pas surprise. Du caract re dont elle est, celui du Marquis doit tre de son go t. La Comtesse est une femme brusque, qui aime primer, gouverner, tre la ma tresse. Le Marquis est un homme doux, paisible, ais conduire; et voil ce qu'il faut la Comtesse. Aussi ne parle-t-elle de lui qu'avec loge. Son air de na vet lui pla t: c'est, dit-elle, le meilleur homme, le plus complaisant, le plus sociable. D'ailleurs, le Marquis est d'un ge qui lui convient; elle n'est plus de cette grande jeunesse:[3] il a trente-cinq ou quarante ans, et je vois bien qu'elle seroit charm e de vivre avec lui. LE CHEVALIER. J'ai peur que l' v nement[4] ne vous trompe. Ce n'est pas un petit objet que deux cent mille francs qu'il faudra qu'on vous donne si l'on ne vous pouse pas; et puis, quand le Marquis et la Comtesse s'aimeroient, de l'humeur dont ils sont tous deux, ils auront bien de la peine se le dire. HORTENSE. Oh! moyennant[5] l'embarras o je vais jeter le Marquis, il faudra bien qu'il parle; et je veux savoir quoi m'en tenir. Depuis le temps que nous sommes cette campagne,[6] chez la Comtesse, il ne me dit rien. Il y a six semaines qu'il se tait; je veux qu'il s'explique. Je ne perdrai pas le legs qui me revient si je n' pouse point le Marquis. LE CHEVALIER. Mais s'il accepte votre main? HORTENSE. Eh! non! vous dis-je. Laissez-moi faire. Je crois qu'il esp re que ce sera moi qui le refuserai. Peut- tre m me feindra-t-il de consentir notre union; mais que cela ne vous pouvante pas. Vous n' tes point assez riche pour m' pouser avec deux cent mille francs de moins: je suis bien aise de vous les apporter en mariage. Je suis persuad e que la Comtesse et le Marquis ne se ha ssent pas. Voyons ce que me diront l -dessus L pine et Lisette, qui vont venir me parler. L'un, est un Gascon froid,[7] mais adroit; Lisette a de l'esprit. Je sais qu'ils ont tous deux la confiance de leurs ma tres; je les int resserai m'instruire, et tout ira bien. Les voil qui viennent. Retirez-vous. SC NE II. LISETTE, L PINE, HORTENSE. HORTENSE. Venez, Lisette; approchez. LISETTE. Que souhaitez-vous de nous, Madame? HORTENSE. Rien que vous ne puissiez me dire sans blesser la fid lit que vous devez, vous au Marquis, et vous la Comtesse. LISETTE. Tant mieux, Madame. L PINE. Ce d but encourage. Nos services vous sont acquis. HORTENSE, _tire quelque argent de sa poche._ Tenez, Lisette, tout service m rite r compense. LISETTE, _refusant d'abord._ Du moins, Madame, faudroit-il savoir auparavant de quoi il s'agit. HORTENSE. Prenez; je vous le donne, quoi qu'il arrive. Voil pour vous, monsieur de L pine.[8] L PINE. Madame, je serois volontiers de l'avis de Mademoiselle; mais je prends. Le respect d fend que je raisonne. HORTENSE. Je ne pr tends vous engager en rien, et voici de quoi il est question. Le Marquis, votre ma tre, vous estime, L pine? L PINE, _froidement._ Extr mement, Madame; il me conno t. HORTENSE. Je remarque qu'il vous confie ais ment ce qu'il pense. L PINE. Oui. Madame, de toutes ses pens es incontinent[9] j'en ai copie; il n'en sait pas le compte mieux que moi. HORTENSE. Vous, Lisette, vous tes sur le m me ton[10] avec la Comtesse? LISETTE. J'ai cet honneur-l , Madame. HORTENSE. Dites-moi, L pine, je me figure que le Marquis aime la Comtesse. Me tromp -je? Il n'y a point d'inconv nient me dire ce qui en est. L PINE. Je n'affirme rien; mais patience: nous devons ce soir nous entretenir l -dessus. HORTENSE. Eh! soup onnez-vous qu'il l'aime? L PINE. De soup ons,[11] j'en ai de violents. Je m'en claircirai tant t. HORTENSE. Et vous, Lisette, quel est votre sentiment sur la Comtesse? LISETTE. Qu'elle ne songe point du tout au Marquis, Madame. L PINE. Je diff re avec vous de pens e.[12] HORTENSE. Je crois aussi qu'ils s'aiment. Et supposons que je ne me trompe pas: du caract re dont ils sont, ils auront de la peine s'en parler. Vous, L pine, voudriez-vous exciter le Marquis le d clarer la Comtesse? Et vous, Lisette, disposer la Comtesse se l'entendre dire? Ce sera une industrie fort innocente. L PINE. Et m me louable. LISETTE, _rendant l'argent._ Madame, permettez que je vous rende votre argent. HORTENSE, Gardez. D'o vient?[13] LISETTE. C'est qu'il me semble que voil , pr cis ment le service que vous exigez de moi, et c'est pr cis ment celui que je ne puis vous rendre. Ma ma tresse est veuve, elle est tranquille; son tat est heureux; ce seroit dommage de l'en tirer: je prie le Ciel qu'elle y reste. L PINE, _froidement._ Quant moi, je garde mon lot: rien ne m'oblige restitution. J'ai la volont de vous tre utile. Monsieur le Marquis vit dans le c libat; mais le mariage, il est bon, tr s bon; il a ses peines: chaque tat a les siennes; quelquefois le mien me p se. Le tout est gal.[14] Oui, je vous servirai, Madame, je vous servirai; je n'y vois point de mal. On s' pouse de tout temps, on s' pousera toujours; on n'a que cette honn te ressource quand on aime. HORTENSE. Vous me surprenez, Lisette, d'autant plus que je m'imaginois que vous pouviez vous aimer tous deux. LISETTE. C'est de quoi il n'est pas question de ma part. L PINE. De la mienne, j'en suis demeur l'estime. N anmoins, Mademoiselle est aimable; mais j'ai pass mon chemin sans y prendre garde. LISETTE. J'esp re que vous penserez toujours de m me. HORTENSE. Voil ce que j'avois vous dire. Adieu, Lisette; vous ferez ce qu'il vous plaira. Je ne vous demande que le secret. J'accepte vos services, L pine. SC NE III. L PINE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Nous n'avons rien nous dire, mons[15] de L pine. J'ai affaire, et je vous laisse. L PINE. Doucement, Mademoiselle; retardez d'un moment. Je trouve propos de vous informer d'un petit accident qui m'arrive. LISETTE. Voyons. L PINE. D'homme d'honneur,[16] je n'avois pas envisag vos gr ces; je ne connoissois pas votre mine. LISETTE. Qu'importe? Je vous en offre autant:[17] c'est tout au plus si je connois actuellement la v tre.[18] L PINE. Cette dame se figuroit que nous nous aimions. LISETTE. Eh bien! elle se figuroit mal. L PINE. Attendez, voici l'accident: son discours a fait que mes yeux se sont arr t s dessus[19] vous plus attentivement que de coutume. LISETTE. Vos yeux ont pris bien de la peine. L PINE. Et vous tes jolie, sandis![20] oh! tr s jolie! LISETTE. Ma foi, monsieur de L pine, vous tes tr s galant, oh! tr s galant. Mais l'ennui me prend d s qu'on me loue. Abr geons; est-ce l tout? L PINE. A mon exemple, envisagez-moi, je vous prie; faites-en l' preuve. LISETTE. Oui-da![21] Tenez, je vous regarde. L PINE. Eh donc! Est-ce l ce L pine que vous connoissiez? N'y voyez-vous rien[22] de nouveau? Que vous dit le coeur? LISETTE. Pas le mot; il n'y a rien l pour lui. L PINE. Quelquefois pourtant nombre de gens ont estim que j' tois un gar on assez revenant;[23] mais nous y retournerons: c'est partie remettre. coutez le restant. Il est certain que mon ma tre distingue[24] tendrement votre ma tresse. Aujourd'hui m me il m'a confi qu'il m ditoit de vous communiquer ses sentiments. LISETTE. Comme il lui plaira. La r ponse que j'aurai l'honneur de lui communiquer sera courte. L PINE. Remarquons d'abondance[25] que la Comtesse se pla t avec mon ma tre, qu'elle a l' me joyeuse en le voyant. Vous me direz que nos gens[26] sont d' tranges personnes, et je vous l'accorde. Le Marquis, homme tout simple, peu hasardeux dans le discours, n'osera jamais aventurer la d claration, et, des d clarations, la Comtesse les pouvante:[27] femme qui n glige les compliments, qui vous parle entre l'aigre et le doux, et dont l'entretien a je ne sais quoi de sec, de froid, de purement raisonnable. Le moyen que l'amour puisse tre mis en avant avec cette femme! Il ne sera jamais propos de lui dire: Je vous aime, moins qu'on ne lui dise[28] propos de rien. Cette mati re, avec elle, ne peut tomber que des nues. On dit qu'elle traite l'amour de bagatelle d'enfant; moi, je pr tends qu'elle a pris go t cette enfance.[29] Dans cette conjoncture, j'opine que nous encouragions ces deux personnages. Qu'en sera-t-il?[30] Qu'ils s'aimeront bonnement, en toute simplesse,[31] et qu'ils s' pouseront de m me. Qu'en sera-t-il? Qu'en me voyant votre camarade, vous me rendrez votre mari par la douce habitude de me voir. Eh donc! Parlez: tes-vous d'accord? LISETTE. Non. L PINE. Mademoiselle, est-ce mon amour qui vous d pla t? LISETTE. Oui. L PINE. En peu de mots vous dites beaucoup. Mais consid rez l'occurrence:[32] je vous pr dis que nos ma tres se marieront: que la commodit vous tente.[33] LISETTE. Je vous pr dis qu'ils ne se marieront point: je ne veux pas, moi. Ma ma tresse, comme vous dites fort habilement, tient l'amour au-dessous d'elle, et j'aurai soin de l'entretenir dans cette humeur, attendu qu'il n'est pas de mon petit int r t qu'elle se marie. Ma condition n'en seroit pas si bonne, entendez-vous? Il n'y a pas d'apparence que la Comtesse y gagne, et moi j'y perdrais beaucoup. J'ai fait un petit calcul l -dessus, au moyen duquel je trouve que tous vos arrangements me d rangent et ne me valent rien.[34] Ainsi, quelque jolie que je sois, continuez de n'en rien voir; laissez-la la d couverte que vous avez faite de mes gr ces, et passez toujours sans y prendre garde. L PINE, _froidement._ Je les ai vues, Mademoiselle; j'en suis frapp , et n'ai de rem de que votre coeur. LISETTE. Tenez-vous donc pour incurable. L PINE. Me donnez-vous votre dernier mot? LISETTE. Je n'y changerai pas une syllabe. (_Elle veut s'en aller._) L PINE, _l'arr tant_. Permettez que je reparte.[35] Vous calculez, moi de m me. Selon vous, il ne faut pas que nos gens se marient; il faut qu'ils s' pousent, selon moi: je le pr tends. LISETTE. Mauvaise gasconnade! L PINE. Patience. Je vous aime, et vous me refusez le r ciproque? Je calcule qu'il me fait besoin,[36] et je l'aurai, sandis![37] Je le pr tends. LISETTE. Vous ne l'aurez pas, sandis! L PINE. J'ai tout dit. Laissez parler mon ma tre, qui nous arrive. SC NE IV. LE MARQUIS, L PINE, LISETTE. LE MARQUIS. Ah! vous voici, Lisette! Je suis bien aise de vous trouver. LISETTE. Je vous suis oblig e, Monsieur; mais je m'en allois. LE MARQUIS. Vous vous en alliez? J'avois pourtant quelque chose vous dire. tes-vous un peu de nos amis? L PINE. Petitement. LISETTE. J'ai beaucoup d'estime et de respect pour monsieur le Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Tout de bon? Vous me faites plaisir, Lisette. Je fais beaucoup de cas de vous aussi; vous me paroissez une tr s bonne fille, et vous tes une ma tresse qui a bien du m rite. LISETTE. Il y a longtemps que je le sais, Monsieur. LE MARQUIS. Ne vous parle-t-elle jamais de moi? Que vous en dit-elle? LISETTE. Oh! rien. LE MARQUIS. C'est que, entre nous, il n'y a point de femme que j'aime tant qu'elle. LISETTE. Qu'appelez-vous aimer, monsieur le Marquis? Est-ce de l'amour que vous entendez? LE MARQUIS. Eh! mais oui, de l'amour, de l'inclination, comme tu voudras: le nom n'y fait rien. Je l'aime mieux qu'une autre.[38] Voil tout. LISETTE. Cela se peut. LE MARQUIS. Mais elle n'en sait rien; je n'ai pas os le lui apprendre. Je n'ai pas trop le talent de parler d'amour. LISETTE. C'est ce qui me semble. LE MARQUIS. Oui, cela m'embarrasse; et, comme ta ma tresse est une femme fort raisonnable, j'ai peur qu'elle ne se moque de moi, et je ne saurois plus que lui dire: de sorte que j'ai r v qu'il seroit bon que tu la pr vinsses en ma faveur. LISETTE. Je vous demande pardon, Monsieur; mais il falloit r ver tout le contraire. Je ne puis rien pour vous, en v rit . LE MARQUIS. Eh! d'o vient?[39] Je t'aurai grande obligation. Je payerai bien tes peines. (_Montrant L pine._) Et, si ce gar on-l te convenoit, je vous ferois un fort bon parti[40] tous les deux. L PINE, _froidement, et sans regarder Lisette_. Derechef,[41] recueillez-vous l -dessus, Mademoiselle. LISETTE. Il n'y a pas moyen, monsieur le Marquis. Si je parlois de vos sentiments ma ma tresse, vous avez beau dire que le nom n'y fait rien, je me brouillerais[42] avec elle; je vous y brouillerais vous-m me. Ne la connoissez-vous pas? LE MARQUIS. Tu crois donc qu'il n'y a rien faire? LISETTE. Absolument rien. LE MARQUIS. Tant pis. Cela me chagrine. Elle me fait tant d'amiti ,[43] cette femme! Allons, il ne faut donc plus y penser. L PINE, _froidement_. Monsieur, ne vous d confortez[44] pas. Du r cit de Mademoiselle, n'en tenez compte;[45] elle vous triche. Retirons-nous. Venez me consulter l' cart; je serai plus consolant. Partons. LE MARQUIS. Viens. Voyons ce que tu as me dire. Adieu, Lisette. Ne me nuis pas, voil tout ce que j'exige. SC NE V. L PINE, LISETTE. L PINE. N'exigez rien: ne g nons point Mademoiselle. Soyons galamment ennemis d clar s; faisons-nous du mal en toute franchise. Adieu, gentille personne. Je vous ch ris ni plus ni moins: gardez-moi votre coeur: c'est un d p t que je vous laisse. LISETTE. Adieu, mon pauvre L pine. Vous tes peut- tre de tous les fous de la Garonne[46] le plus effront , mais aussi le plus divertissant. SC NE VI. LA COMTESSE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Voici ma ma tresse. De l'humeur dont elle est, je crois que cet amour-ci ne la divertira gu re. Gare[47] que le Marquis ne soit bient t cong di ! LA COMTESSE, _tenant une lettre_. Tenez, Lisette, dites qu'on porte cette lettre la poste. En voil dix que j' cris depuis trois semaines. La sotte chose qu'un proc s! Que j'en suis lasse! Je ne m' tonne pas s'il y a tant de femmes qui se marient! LISETTE, _riant_. Bon! votre proc s! une affaire de mille francs! Voil quelque chose de bien consid rable pour vous! Avez-vous envie de vous remarier? J'ai votre affaire. LA COMTESSE. Qu'est-ce que c'est qu'envie de me remarier? Pourquoi me dites-vous cela? LISETTE. Ne vous f chez pas; je ne veux que vous divertir. LA COMTESSE. Ce pourrait tre quelqu'un de Paris qui vous auroit fait une confidence. En tout cas, ne me le nommez pas. LISETTE. Oh! il faut pourtant que vous connoissiez celui dont je parle. LA COMTESSE. Brisons l -dessus. Je r ve une chose: le Marquis n'a ici qu'un valet de chambre, dont il a peut- tre besoin, et je voulois lui demander s'il n'a pas quelque paquet mettre la poste: on le porteroit avec le mien. O est-il, le Marquis? L'as-tu vu ce matin? LISETTE. Oh! oui. Malepeste![48] il a ses raisons pour tre veill de bonne heure! Revenons au mari que j'ai vous donner, celui qui br le pour vous et que vous avez enflamm de passion... LA COMTESSE. Qui est ce ben t-l ? LISETTE. Vous le devinez. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui br le est un sot. Je ne veux rien savoir de Paris. LISETTE. Ce n'est point de Paris: votre conqu te est dans le ch teau. Vous l'appellez ben t; moi, je vais le flatter: c'est un soupirant qui a l'air fort simple, un air de bon homme. Y tes-vous? LA COMTESSE. Nullement. Qui est-ce qui ressemble celui-ci? LISETTE. Eh! le Marquis. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui est avec nous? LISETTE. Lui-m me. LA COMTESSE. Je n'avois garde d'y tre.[49] O as-tu pris son air simple et de bon homme? Dis donc un air franc et ouvert, la bonne heure: il sera reconnoissable. LISETTE. Ma foi, Madame, je vous le rends comme je le vois. LA COMTESSE. Tu le vois tr s mal, on ne peut pas plus mal: en mille ans on ne le devineroit pas ce portrait-l . Mais de qui tiens-tu ce que tu me contes de son amour? LISETTE. De lui, qui me l'a dit; rien que cela. N'en riez-vous pas? Ne faites pas semblant de le savoir. Au reste, il n'y a qu' vous en d faire tout doucement. LA COMTESSE. H las! je ne lui en veux point de mal.[50] C'est un fort honn te homme, un homme dont je fais cas, qui a d'excellentes qualit s; et j'aime encore mieux que ce soit lui qu'un autre. Mais ne te trompes-tu pas aussi? Il ne t'aura peut- tre parl que d'estime: il en a beaucoup pour moi, beaucoup; il me l'a marqu e en mille occasions d'une mani re fort obligeante. LISETTE. Non, Madame, c'est de l'amour qui regarde vos appas; il en a prononc le mot sans bredouiller comme l'ordinaire. C'est de la flamme... Il languit, il soupire. LA COMTESSE. Est-il possible? Sur ce pied-l , je le plains, car ce n'est pas un tourdi: il faut qu'il le sente, puisqu'il le dit; et ce n'est pas de ces gens-l dont[51] je me moque: jamais leur amour n'est ridicule. Mais il n'osera m'en parler, n'est-ce pas? LISETTE. Oh! ne craignez rien! j'y ai mis bon ordre:[52] il ne s'y jouera pas.[53] Je lui ai t toute esp rance. N'ai-je pas bien fait? LA COMTESSE. Mais oui, sans doute, oui, pourvu que vous ne l'ayez pas brusqu , pourtant. Il falloit y prendre garde: c'est un ami que je veux conserver. Et vous avez quelquefois le ton dur et rev che, Lisette; il valoit mieux le laisser dire. LISETTE. Point du tout. Il vouloit que je vous parlasse en sa faveur. LA COMTESSE. Ce pauvre homme! LISETTE. Et je lui ai r pondu que je ne pouvois pas m'en m ler, que je me brouillerais avec vous si je vous en parlois, que vous me donneriez mon cong , que vous lui donneriez le sien. LA COMTESSE. Le sien. Quelle grossi ret ! Ah! que c'est mal parler! Son cong ? Et m me est-ce que je vous aurois donn le v tre? Vous savez bien que non. D'o vient[54] mentir, Lisette? C'est un ennemi que vous m'allez faire d'un des hommes du monde que je consid re le plus et qui le m rite le mieux. Quel sot langage de domestique! Eh! il toit si simple de vous tenir[55] lui dire: Monsieur, je ne saurois; ce ne sont pas l mes affaires. Parlez-en vous-m me. Et je voudrais qu'il os t m'en parler, pour racommoder un peu votre malhonn tet . Son cong ! son cong ! Il va se croire insult . LISETTE. Eh non, Madame; il toit impossible de vous en d barrasser moins de frais. Faut-il que vous l'aimiez, de peur de le f cher? Voulez-vous tre sa femme par politesse, lui qui doit pouser Hortense? Je ne lui ai rien dit de trop; et vous en voil quitte. Mais je l'aper ois qui vient en r vant. vitez-le, vous avez le temps. LA COMTESSE. L' viter, lui qui me voit! Ah! je m'en garderai bien. Apr s les discours que vous lui avez tenus, il croirait que je les ai dict s. Non, non, je ne changerai rien ma fa on de vivre avec lui. Allez porter ma lettre. LISETTE, _ part_. Hum! il y a ici quelque chose. (_Haut_.) Madame, je suis d'avis de rester aupr s de vous. Cela m'arrive souvent, et vous en serez plus l'abri d'une d claration. LA COMTESSE. Belle finesse! Quand je lui chapperois aujourd'hui, ne me trouvera-t-il pas demain? Il faudrait donc vous avoir toujours mes c t s? Non, non. Partez. S'il me parle, je sais r pondre. LISETTE. Je suis vous dans l'instant; je n'ai qu' donner cette lettre un laquais. LA COMTESSE. Non, Lisette: c'est une lettre de cons quence, et vous me ferez plaisir de la porter vous-m me, parce que, si le courier est pass , vous me la rapporterez, et je l'enverrai par une autre voie. Je ne me fie point aux valets: ils ne sont point exacts. LISETTE. Le courrier ne passe que dans deux heures, Madame. LA COMTESSE. Eh! allez, vous dis-je. Que sait-on? LISETTE, _ part_. Quel pr texte! (_Haut_.) Cette femme-l ne va pas droit avec moi. SC NE VII. LA COMTESSE, _seule_. Elle avoit la fureur de rester. Les domestiques sont ha ssables; il n'y a pas jusqu' leur z le qui ne vous d soblige. C'est toujours de travers qu'ils vous servent. SC NE VIII. LA COMTESSE, L PINE. L PINE. Madame, monsieur le Marquis vous a vue[56] de loin avec Lisette. Il demande s'il n'y a point de mal qu'il approche; il a le d sir de vous consulter, mais il se fait le scrupule[57] de vous tre importun. LA COMTESSE. Lui importun! Il ne sauroit l' tre. Dites-lui que je l'attends, L pine; qu'il vienne. L PINE. Je vais le r jouir de la nouvelle. Vous l'allez voir dans la minute. SC NE IX. L PINE, LE MARQUIS. L PINE, _appelant le Marquis_. Monsieur, venez prendre audience. Madame l'accorde. (_Quand le Marquis est venu, il lui dit part:_) Courage, Monsieur! l'accueil est gracieux, presque tendre: c'est un coeur qui demande qu'on le prenne. SC NE X. LA COMTESSE, LE MARQUIS. LA COMTESSE. Eh! d'o vient donc la c r monie que vous faites, Marquis?... Vous n'y songez pas.[58] LE MARQUIS. Madame, vous avez bien de la bont ... C'est que j'ai bien des choses vous dire. LA COMTESSE. Effectivement, vous me paroissez r veur, inquiet. LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai l'esprit en peine. J'ai besoin de conseil, j'ai besoin de gr ces, et le tout de votre part. LA COMTESSE. Tant mieux. Vous avez encore moins besoin de tout cela que je n'ai d'envie de vous tre bonne quelque chose. LE MARQUIS. O bonne! Il ne tient qu' vous de m' tre excellente, si vous voulez. LA COMTESSE. Comment, si je veux? Manquez-vous de confiance? Ah! je vous prie, ne me m nagez point. Vous pouvez tout sur moi, Marquis; je suis bien aise de vous le dire. LE MARQUIS. Cette assurance m'est bien agr able, et je serois tent d'en abuser. LA COMTESSE. J'ai grand'peur que vous ne r sistiez la tentation. Vous ne comptez pas assez sur vos amis, car vous tes si r serv , si retenu... LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai beaucoup de timidit . LA COMTESSE. Je fais de mon mieux pour vous l' ter, comme vous voyez. LE MARQUIS. Vous savez dans quelle situation je suis avec Hortense; que je dois l' pouser ou lui donner deux cent mille francs. LA COMTESSE. Oui, et je me suis aper ue que vous n'aviez pas grand go t pour elle. LE MARQUIS. Oh! on ne peut pas moins.[59] Je ne l'aime point du tout. LA COMTESSE. Je n'en suis pas surprise: son caract re est si diff rent du v tre! Elle a quelque chose de trop arrang [60] pour vous. LE MARQUIS. Vous y tes. Elle songe trop ses gr ces. Il faudroit toujours l'entretenir de compliments, et moi, ce n'est pas l mon fort. La coquetterie me g ne, elle me rend muet. LA COMTESSE. Ah! ah! je conviens qu'elle en a un peu; mais presque toutes les femmes sont de m me. Vous ne trouverez que cela partout, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Hors chez vous. Quelle diff rence, par exemple! Vous plaisez sans y penser. Ce n'est pas votre faute: vous ne savez pas seulement que vous tes aimable; mais d'autres le savent pour vous. LA COMTESSE. Moi, Marquis, je pense qu' cet gard-l les autres songent aussi peu moi que j'y songe moi-m me. LE MARQUIS. Oh! j'en connois qui ne vous disent pas tout ce qu'ils songent. LA COMTESSE. Eh! qui sont-ils, Marquis? Quelques amis comme vous, sans doute. LE MARQUIS. Bon, des amis! Voil bien de quoi! Vous n'en aurez encore de longtemps.[61] LA COMTESSE. Je vous suis oblig e du petit compliment que vous me faites en passant. LE MARQUIS. Point du tout. Je ne passe jamais, moi; je dis toujours expr s. LA COMTESSE, _riant_. Comment! vous qui ne voulez pas que j'aie encore des amis, est-ce que vous n' tes pas le mien? LE MARQUIS. Vous m'excuserez; mais, quand je serois autre chose,[62] il n'y auroit rien de surprenant. LA COMTESSE. Eh bien! je ne laisserois pas que d'en tre surprise.[63] LE MARQUIS. Et encore plus f ch e. LA COMTESSE. En v rit , surprise. Je veux pourtant croire que je suis aimable, puisque vous le dites. LE MARQUIS. O charmante! Et je serois bien heureux si Hortense vous ressembloit. Je l' pouserois d'un grand coeur, et j'ai bien de la peine m'y r soudre. LA COMTESSE. Je le crois, et ce seroit encore pis si vous aviez de l'inclination pour une autre. LE MARQUIS. Eh bien! c'est que justement le pis s'y trouve. LA COMTESSE, _par exclamation_. Oui? Vous aimez ailleurs? LE MARQUIS. De toute mon me. LA COMTESSE, _en souriant_. Je m'en suis dout e, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Et vous tes-vous dout e de la personne? LA COMTESSE. Non, mais vous me la direz. LE MARQUIS. Vous me feriez grand plaisir de la deviner. LA COMTESSE. Eh! pourquoi m'en donneriez-vous la peine, puisque vous voil ? LE MARQUIS. C'est que vous ne connoissez qu'elle:[64] c'est la plus aimable femme, la plus franche. Vous parlez de gens sans fa on: il n'y a personne comme elle; plus je la vois, plus je l'admire. LA COMTESSE. pousez-la, Marquis, pousez-la, et laissez l Hortense. Il n'y a point h siter: vous n'avez point d'autre parti prendre. LE MARQUIS. Oui, mais je songe une chose... N'y auroit-il pas moyen de me sauver les deux cent mille francs? Je vous parle coeur ouvert. LA COMTESSE. Regardez-moi dans cette occasion-ci comme une autre vous-m me. LE MARQUIS. Ah! que c'est bien dit! une autre moi-m me! LA COMTESSE. Ce qui me pla t en vous, c'est votre franchise, qui est une qualit admirable. Revenons. Comment vous sauver ces deux cent mille francs? LE MARQUIS. C'est que Hortense aime le Chevalier. Mais, propos, c'est votre parent? LA COMTESSE. Oh! parent de loin. LE MARQUIS. Or, de cet amour qu'elle a pour lui, je conclus qu'elle ne se soucie pas de moi. Je n'ai donc qu' faire semblant de vouloir l' pouser. Elle me refusera, et je ne lui devrai plus rien. Son refus me servira de quittance. LA COMTESSE. Oui-da,[65] vous pouvez le tenter. Ce n'est pas qu'il n'y ait du risque:[66] elle a du discernement, Marquis, Vous supposez qu'elle vous refusera; je n'en sais rien: vous n' tes pas homme d daigner. LE MARQUIS. Est-il vrai? LA COMTESSE. C'est mon sentiment. LE MARQUIS. Vous me flattez; vous encouragez ma franchise. LA COMTESSE. Je vous encourage! Eh! mais en tes-vous encore l ? Mettez-vous donc dans l'esprit que je ne demande qu' vous obliger, qu'il n'y a que l'impossible qui m'arr tera, et que vous devez compter sur tout ce qui d pendra de moi. Ne perdez point cela de vue, trange homme que vous tes, et achevez hardiment. Vous voulez des conseils, je vous en

consolation

How many times the word 'consolation' appears in the text?

Dorante: venez voir votre fille vous ob ir avec plus de joie qu'on n'en eut jamais. DORANTE. Qu'entends-je! vous, son p re, Monsieur? SILVIA. Oui, Dorante. La m me id e de nous conno tre nous est venue tous deux; apr s cela, je n'ai plus rien vous dire. Vous m'aimez, je n'en saurais douter; mais, votre tour, jugez de mes sentiments pour vous; jugez du cas que j'ai fait de votre coeur par la d licatesse avec laquelle j'ai t ch de l'acqu rir. M. ORGON. Connoissez-vous cette lettre-l ? Voil par o j'ai appris votre d guisement, qu'elle n'a pourtant su que par vous. DORANTE. Je ne saurais vous exprimer mon bonheur, Madame;[253] mais ce qui m'enchante le plus, ce sont les preuves que je vous ai donn es de ma tendresse. MARIO. Dorante me pardonne-t-il la col re o j'ai mis Bourguignon? DORANTE. Il ne vous la pardonne pas, il vous en remercie. ARLEQUIN. De la joie, Madame: vous avez perdu votre rang; mais vous n' tes point plaindre, puisqu'Arlequin vous reste. LISETTE. Belle consolation! il n'y a que toi qui gagne cela. ARLEQUIN. Je n'y perds pas. Avant notre reconnoissance, votre dot valoit mieux que vous; pr sent, vous valez mieux que votre dot. Allons, saute, marquis![254] * * * * * LE LEGS COM DIE EN UN ACTE, EN PROSE ACTEURS. LA COMTESSE. LE MARQUIS. HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. LISETTE,[1] suivante de la Comtesse. L PINE,[2] valet de chambre du Marquis. SC NE PREMI RE. LE CHEVALIER, HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. La d marche que vous allez faire aupr s du Marquis m'alarme. HORTENSE. Je ne risque rien, vous dis-je. Raisonnons. D funt son parent et le mien lui laisse six cent mille francs, la charge, il est vrai, de m' pouser ou de m'en donner deux cent mille: cela est son choix; mais le Marquis ne sent rien pour moi. Je suis s re qu'il a de l'inclination pour la Comtesse; d'ailleurs, il est d j assez riche par lui-m me: voil encore une succession de six cent mille francs qui lui vient, laquelle il ne s'attendoit pas; et vous croyez que, plut t que d'en distraire deux cent mille, il aimera mieux m' pouser, moi qui lui suis indiff rente, pendant qu'il a de l'amour pour la Comtesse, qui peut- tre ne le hait pas, et qui a plus de bien que moi? Il n'y a pas d'apparence. LE CHEVALIER. Mais quoi jugez-vous que la Comtesse ne le hait pas? HORTENSE. A mille petites remarques que je fais tous les jours, et je n'en suis pas surprise. Du caract re dont elle est, celui du Marquis doit tre de son go t. La Comtesse est une femme brusque, qui aime primer, gouverner, tre la ma tresse. Le Marquis est un homme doux, paisible, ais conduire; et voil ce qu'il faut la Comtesse. Aussi ne parle-t-elle de lui qu'avec loge. Son air de na vet lui pla t: c'est, dit-elle, le meilleur homme, le plus complaisant, le plus sociable. D'ailleurs, le Marquis est d'un ge qui lui convient; elle n'est plus de cette grande jeunesse:[3] il a trente-cinq ou quarante ans, et je vois bien qu'elle seroit charm e de vivre avec lui. LE CHEVALIER. J'ai peur que l' v nement[4] ne vous trompe. Ce n'est pas un petit objet que deux cent mille francs qu'il faudra qu'on vous donne si l'on ne vous pouse pas; et puis, quand le Marquis et la Comtesse s'aimeroient, de l'humeur dont ils sont tous deux, ils auront bien de la peine se le dire. HORTENSE. Oh! moyennant[5] l'embarras o je vais jeter le Marquis, il faudra bien qu'il parle; et je veux savoir quoi m'en tenir. Depuis le temps que nous sommes cette campagne,[6] chez la Comtesse, il ne me dit rien. Il y a six semaines qu'il se tait; je veux qu'il s'explique. Je ne perdrai pas le legs qui me revient si je n' pouse point le Marquis. LE CHEVALIER. Mais s'il accepte votre main? HORTENSE. Eh! non! vous dis-je. Laissez-moi faire. Je crois qu'il esp re que ce sera moi qui le refuserai. Peut- tre m me feindra-t-il de consentir notre union; mais que cela ne vous pouvante pas. Vous n' tes point assez riche pour m' pouser avec deux cent mille francs de moins: je suis bien aise de vous les apporter en mariage. Je suis persuad e que la Comtesse et le Marquis ne se ha ssent pas. Voyons ce que me diront l -dessus L pine et Lisette, qui vont venir me parler. L'un, est un Gascon froid,[7] mais adroit; Lisette a de l'esprit. Je sais qu'ils ont tous deux la confiance de leurs ma tres; je les int resserai m'instruire, et tout ira bien. Les voil qui viennent. Retirez-vous. SC NE II. LISETTE, L PINE, HORTENSE. HORTENSE. Venez, Lisette; approchez. LISETTE. Que souhaitez-vous de nous, Madame? HORTENSE. Rien que vous ne puissiez me dire sans blesser la fid lit que vous devez, vous au Marquis, et vous la Comtesse. LISETTE. Tant mieux, Madame. L PINE. Ce d but encourage. Nos services vous sont acquis. HORTENSE, _tire quelque argent de sa poche._ Tenez, Lisette, tout service m rite r compense. LISETTE, _refusant d'abord._ Du moins, Madame, faudroit-il savoir auparavant de quoi il s'agit. HORTENSE. Prenez; je vous le donne, quoi qu'il arrive. Voil pour vous, monsieur de L pine.[8] L PINE. Madame, je serois volontiers de l'avis de Mademoiselle; mais je prends. Le respect d fend que je raisonne. HORTENSE. Je ne pr tends vous engager en rien, et voici de quoi il est question. Le Marquis, votre ma tre, vous estime, L pine? L PINE, _froidement._ Extr mement, Madame; il me conno t. HORTENSE. Je remarque qu'il vous confie ais ment ce qu'il pense. L PINE. Oui. Madame, de toutes ses pens es incontinent[9] j'en ai copie; il n'en sait pas le compte mieux que moi. HORTENSE. Vous, Lisette, vous tes sur le m me ton[10] avec la Comtesse? LISETTE. J'ai cet honneur-l , Madame. HORTENSE. Dites-moi, L pine, je me figure que le Marquis aime la Comtesse. Me tromp -je? Il n'y a point d'inconv nient me dire ce qui en est. L PINE. Je n'affirme rien; mais patience: nous devons ce soir nous entretenir l -dessus. HORTENSE. Eh! soup onnez-vous qu'il l'aime? L PINE. De soup ons,[11] j'en ai de violents. Je m'en claircirai tant t. HORTENSE. Et vous, Lisette, quel est votre sentiment sur la Comtesse? LISETTE. Qu'elle ne songe point du tout au Marquis, Madame. L PINE. Je diff re avec vous de pens e.[12] HORTENSE. Je crois aussi qu'ils s'aiment. Et supposons que je ne me trompe pas: du caract re dont ils sont, ils auront de la peine s'en parler. Vous, L pine, voudriez-vous exciter le Marquis le d clarer la Comtesse? Et vous, Lisette, disposer la Comtesse se l'entendre dire? Ce sera une industrie fort innocente. L PINE. Et m me louable. LISETTE, _rendant l'argent._ Madame, permettez que je vous rende votre argent. HORTENSE, Gardez. D'o vient?[13] LISETTE. C'est qu'il me semble que voil , pr cis ment le service que vous exigez de moi, et c'est pr cis ment celui que je ne puis vous rendre. Ma ma tresse est veuve, elle est tranquille; son tat est heureux; ce seroit dommage de l'en tirer: je prie le Ciel qu'elle y reste. L PINE, _froidement._ Quant moi, je garde mon lot: rien ne m'oblige restitution. J'ai la volont de vous tre utile. Monsieur le Marquis vit dans le c libat; mais le mariage, il est bon, tr s bon; il a ses peines: chaque tat a les siennes; quelquefois le mien me p se. Le tout est gal.[14] Oui, je vous servirai, Madame, je vous servirai; je n'y vois point de mal. On s' pouse de tout temps, on s' pousera toujours; on n'a que cette honn te ressource quand on aime. HORTENSE. Vous me surprenez, Lisette, d'autant plus que je m'imaginois que vous pouviez vous aimer tous deux. LISETTE. C'est de quoi il n'est pas question de ma part. L PINE. De la mienne, j'en suis demeur l'estime. N anmoins, Mademoiselle est aimable; mais j'ai pass mon chemin sans y prendre garde. LISETTE. J'esp re que vous penserez toujours de m me. HORTENSE. Voil ce que j'avois vous dire. Adieu, Lisette; vous ferez ce qu'il vous plaira. Je ne vous demande que le secret. J'accepte vos services, L pine. SC NE III. L PINE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Nous n'avons rien nous dire, mons[15] de L pine. J'ai affaire, et je vous laisse. L PINE. Doucement, Mademoiselle; retardez d'un moment. Je trouve propos de vous informer d'un petit accident qui m'arrive. LISETTE. Voyons. L PINE. D'homme d'honneur,[16] je n'avois pas envisag vos gr ces; je ne connoissois pas votre mine. LISETTE. Qu'importe? Je vous en offre autant:[17] c'est tout au plus si je connois actuellement la v tre.[18] L PINE. Cette dame se figuroit que nous nous aimions. LISETTE. Eh bien! elle se figuroit mal. L PINE. Attendez, voici l'accident: son discours a fait que mes yeux se sont arr t s dessus[19] vous plus attentivement que de coutume. LISETTE. Vos yeux ont pris bien de la peine. L PINE. Et vous tes jolie, sandis![20] oh! tr s jolie! LISETTE. Ma foi, monsieur de L pine, vous tes tr s galant, oh! tr s galant. Mais l'ennui me prend d s qu'on me loue. Abr geons; est-ce l tout? L PINE. A mon exemple, envisagez-moi, je vous prie; faites-en l' preuve. LISETTE. Oui-da![21] Tenez, je vous regarde. L PINE. Eh donc! Est-ce l ce L pine que vous connoissiez? N'y voyez-vous rien[22] de nouveau? Que vous dit le coeur? LISETTE. Pas le mot; il n'y a rien l pour lui. L PINE. Quelquefois pourtant nombre de gens ont estim que j' tois un gar on assez revenant;[23] mais nous y retournerons: c'est partie remettre. coutez le restant. Il est certain que mon ma tre distingue[24] tendrement votre ma tresse. Aujourd'hui m me il m'a confi qu'il m ditoit de vous communiquer ses sentiments. LISETTE. Comme il lui plaira. La r ponse que j'aurai l'honneur de lui communiquer sera courte. L PINE. Remarquons d'abondance[25] que la Comtesse se pla t avec mon ma tre, qu'elle a l' me joyeuse en le voyant. Vous me direz que nos gens[26] sont d' tranges personnes, et je vous l'accorde. Le Marquis, homme tout simple, peu hasardeux dans le discours, n'osera jamais aventurer la d claration, et, des d clarations, la Comtesse les pouvante:[27] femme qui n glige les compliments, qui vous parle entre l'aigre et le doux, et dont l'entretien a je ne sais quoi de sec, de froid, de purement raisonnable. Le moyen que l'amour puisse tre mis en avant avec cette femme! Il ne sera jamais propos de lui dire: Je vous aime, moins qu'on ne lui dise[28] propos de rien. Cette mati re, avec elle, ne peut tomber que des nues. On dit qu'elle traite l'amour de bagatelle d'enfant; moi, je pr tends qu'elle a pris go t cette enfance.[29] Dans cette conjoncture, j'opine que nous encouragions ces deux personnages. Qu'en sera-t-il?[30] Qu'ils s'aimeront bonnement, en toute simplesse,[31] et qu'ils s' pouseront de m me. Qu'en sera-t-il? Qu'en me voyant votre camarade, vous me rendrez votre mari par la douce habitude de me voir. Eh donc! Parlez: tes-vous d'accord? LISETTE. Non. L PINE. Mademoiselle, est-ce mon amour qui vous d pla t? LISETTE. Oui. L PINE. En peu de mots vous dites beaucoup. Mais consid rez l'occurrence:[32] je vous pr dis que nos ma tres se marieront: que la commodit vous tente.[33] LISETTE. Je vous pr dis qu'ils ne se marieront point: je ne veux pas, moi. Ma ma tresse, comme vous dites fort habilement, tient l'amour au-dessous d'elle, et j'aurai soin de l'entretenir dans cette humeur, attendu qu'il n'est pas de mon petit int r t qu'elle se marie. Ma condition n'en seroit pas si bonne, entendez-vous? Il n'y a pas d'apparence que la Comtesse y gagne, et moi j'y perdrais beaucoup. J'ai fait un petit calcul l -dessus, au moyen duquel je trouve que tous vos arrangements me d rangent et ne me valent rien.[34] Ainsi, quelque jolie que je sois, continuez de n'en rien voir; laissez-la la d couverte que vous avez faite de mes gr ces, et passez toujours sans y prendre garde. L PINE, _froidement._ Je les ai vues, Mademoiselle; j'en suis frapp , et n'ai de rem de que votre coeur. LISETTE. Tenez-vous donc pour incurable. L PINE. Me donnez-vous votre dernier mot? LISETTE. Je n'y changerai pas une syllabe. (_Elle veut s'en aller._) L PINE, _l'arr tant_. Permettez que je reparte.[35] Vous calculez, moi de m me. Selon vous, il ne faut pas que nos gens se marient; il faut qu'ils s' pousent, selon moi: je le pr tends. LISETTE. Mauvaise gasconnade! L PINE. Patience. Je vous aime, et vous me refusez le r ciproque? Je calcule qu'il me fait besoin,[36] et je l'aurai, sandis![37] Je le pr tends. LISETTE. Vous ne l'aurez pas, sandis! L PINE. J'ai tout dit. Laissez parler mon ma tre, qui nous arrive. SC NE IV. LE MARQUIS, L PINE, LISETTE. LE MARQUIS. Ah! vous voici, Lisette! Je suis bien aise de vous trouver. LISETTE. Je vous suis oblig e, Monsieur; mais je m'en allois. LE MARQUIS. Vous vous en alliez? J'avois pourtant quelque chose vous dire. tes-vous un peu de nos amis? L PINE. Petitement. LISETTE. J'ai beaucoup d'estime et de respect pour monsieur le Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Tout de bon? Vous me faites plaisir, Lisette. Je fais beaucoup de cas de vous aussi; vous me paroissez une tr s bonne fille, et vous tes une ma tresse qui a bien du m rite. LISETTE. Il y a longtemps que je le sais, Monsieur. LE MARQUIS. Ne vous parle-t-elle jamais de moi? Que vous en dit-elle? LISETTE. Oh! rien. LE MARQUIS. C'est que, entre nous, il n'y a point de femme que j'aime tant qu'elle. LISETTE. Qu'appelez-vous aimer, monsieur le Marquis? Est-ce de l'amour que vous entendez? LE MARQUIS. Eh! mais oui, de l'amour, de l'inclination, comme tu voudras: le nom n'y fait rien. Je l'aime mieux qu'une autre.[38] Voil tout. LISETTE. Cela se peut. LE MARQUIS. Mais elle n'en sait rien; je n'ai pas os le lui apprendre. Je n'ai pas trop le talent de parler d'amour. LISETTE. C'est ce qui me semble. LE MARQUIS. Oui, cela m'embarrasse; et, comme ta ma tresse est une femme fort raisonnable, j'ai peur qu'elle ne se moque de moi, et je ne saurois plus que lui dire: de sorte que j'ai r v qu'il seroit bon que tu la pr vinsses en ma faveur. LISETTE. Je vous demande pardon, Monsieur; mais il falloit r ver tout le contraire. Je ne puis rien pour vous, en v rit . LE MARQUIS. Eh! d'o vient?[39] Je t'aurai grande obligation. Je payerai bien tes peines. (_Montrant L pine._) Et, si ce gar on-l te convenoit, je vous ferois un fort bon parti[40] tous les deux. L PINE, _froidement, et sans regarder Lisette_. Derechef,[41] recueillez-vous l -dessus, Mademoiselle. LISETTE. Il n'y a pas moyen, monsieur le Marquis. Si je parlois de vos sentiments ma ma tresse, vous avez beau dire que le nom n'y fait rien, je me brouillerais[42] avec elle; je vous y brouillerais vous-m me. Ne la connoissez-vous pas? LE MARQUIS. Tu crois donc qu'il n'y a rien faire? LISETTE. Absolument rien. LE MARQUIS. Tant pis. Cela me chagrine. Elle me fait tant d'amiti ,[43] cette femme! Allons, il ne faut donc plus y penser. L PINE, _froidement_. Monsieur, ne vous d confortez[44] pas. Du r cit de Mademoiselle, n'en tenez compte;[45] elle vous triche. Retirons-nous. Venez me consulter l' cart; je serai plus consolant. Partons. LE MARQUIS. Viens. Voyons ce que tu as me dire. Adieu, Lisette. Ne me nuis pas, voil tout ce que j'exige. SC NE V. L PINE, LISETTE. L PINE. N'exigez rien: ne g nons point Mademoiselle. Soyons galamment ennemis d clar s; faisons-nous du mal en toute franchise. Adieu, gentille personne. Je vous ch ris ni plus ni moins: gardez-moi votre coeur: c'est un d p t que je vous laisse. LISETTE. Adieu, mon pauvre L pine. Vous tes peut- tre de tous les fous de la Garonne[46] le plus effront , mais aussi le plus divertissant. SC NE VI. LA COMTESSE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Voici ma ma tresse. De l'humeur dont elle est, je crois que cet amour-ci ne la divertira gu re. Gare[47] que le Marquis ne soit bient t cong di ! LA COMTESSE, _tenant une lettre_. Tenez, Lisette, dites qu'on porte cette lettre la poste. En voil dix que j' cris depuis trois semaines. La sotte chose qu'un proc s! Que j'en suis lasse! Je ne m' tonne pas s'il y a tant de femmes qui se marient! LISETTE, _riant_. Bon! votre proc s! une affaire de mille francs! Voil quelque chose de bien consid rable pour vous! Avez-vous envie de vous remarier? J'ai votre affaire. LA COMTESSE. Qu'est-ce que c'est qu'envie de me remarier? Pourquoi me dites-vous cela? LISETTE. Ne vous f chez pas; je ne veux que vous divertir. LA COMTESSE. Ce pourrait tre quelqu'un de Paris qui vous auroit fait une confidence. En tout cas, ne me le nommez pas. LISETTE. Oh! il faut pourtant que vous connoissiez celui dont je parle. LA COMTESSE. Brisons l -dessus. Je r ve une chose: le Marquis n'a ici qu'un valet de chambre, dont il a peut- tre besoin, et je voulois lui demander s'il n'a pas quelque paquet mettre la poste: on le porteroit avec le mien. O est-il, le Marquis? L'as-tu vu ce matin? LISETTE. Oh! oui. Malepeste![48] il a ses raisons pour tre veill de bonne heure! Revenons au mari que j'ai vous donner, celui qui br le pour vous et que vous avez enflamm de passion... LA COMTESSE. Qui est ce ben t-l ? LISETTE. Vous le devinez. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui br le est un sot. Je ne veux rien savoir de Paris. LISETTE. Ce n'est point de Paris: votre conqu te est dans le ch teau. Vous l'appellez ben t; moi, je vais le flatter: c'est un soupirant qui a l'air fort simple, un air de bon homme. Y tes-vous? LA COMTESSE. Nullement. Qui est-ce qui ressemble celui-ci? LISETTE. Eh! le Marquis. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui est avec nous? LISETTE. Lui-m me. LA COMTESSE. Je n'avois garde d'y tre.[49] O as-tu pris son air simple et de bon homme? Dis donc un air franc et ouvert, la bonne heure: il sera reconnoissable. LISETTE. Ma foi, Madame, je vous le rends comme je le vois. LA COMTESSE. Tu le vois tr s mal, on ne peut pas plus mal: en mille ans on ne le devineroit pas ce portrait-l . Mais de qui tiens-tu ce que tu me contes de son amour? LISETTE. De lui, qui me l'a dit; rien que cela. N'en riez-vous pas? Ne faites pas semblant de le savoir. Au reste, il n'y a qu' vous en d faire tout doucement. LA COMTESSE. H las! je ne lui en veux point de mal.[50] C'est un fort honn te homme, un homme dont je fais cas, qui a d'excellentes qualit s; et j'aime encore mieux que ce soit lui qu'un autre. Mais ne te trompes-tu pas aussi? Il ne t'aura peut- tre parl que d'estime: il en a beaucoup pour moi, beaucoup; il me l'a marqu e en mille occasions d'une mani re fort obligeante. LISETTE. Non, Madame, c'est de l'amour qui regarde vos appas; il en a prononc le mot sans bredouiller comme l'ordinaire. C'est de la flamme... Il languit, il soupire. LA COMTESSE. Est-il possible? Sur ce pied-l , je le plains, car ce n'est pas un tourdi: il faut qu'il le sente, puisqu'il le dit; et ce n'est pas de ces gens-l dont[51] je me moque: jamais leur amour n'est ridicule. Mais il n'osera m'en parler, n'est-ce pas? LISETTE. Oh! ne craignez rien! j'y ai mis bon ordre:[52] il ne s'y jouera pas.[53] Je lui ai t toute esp rance. N'ai-je pas bien fait? LA COMTESSE. Mais oui, sans doute, oui, pourvu que vous ne l'ayez pas brusqu , pourtant. Il falloit y prendre garde: c'est un ami que je veux conserver. Et vous avez quelquefois le ton dur et rev che, Lisette; il valoit mieux le laisser dire. LISETTE. Point du tout. Il vouloit que je vous parlasse en sa faveur. LA COMTESSE. Ce pauvre homme! LISETTE. Et je lui ai r pondu que je ne pouvois pas m'en m ler, que je me brouillerais avec vous si je vous en parlois, que vous me donneriez mon cong , que vous lui donneriez le sien. LA COMTESSE. Le sien. Quelle grossi ret ! Ah! que c'est mal parler! Son cong ? Et m me est-ce que je vous aurois donn le v tre? Vous savez bien que non. D'o vient[54] mentir, Lisette? C'est un ennemi que vous m'allez faire d'un des hommes du monde que je consid re le plus et qui le m rite le mieux. Quel sot langage de domestique! Eh! il toit si simple de vous tenir[55] lui dire: Monsieur, je ne saurois; ce ne sont pas l mes affaires. Parlez-en vous-m me. Et je voudrais qu'il os t m'en parler, pour racommoder un peu votre malhonn tet . Son cong ! son cong ! Il va se croire insult . LISETTE. Eh non, Madame; il toit impossible de vous en d barrasser moins de frais. Faut-il que vous l'aimiez, de peur de le f cher? Voulez-vous tre sa femme par politesse, lui qui doit pouser Hortense? Je ne lui ai rien dit de trop; et vous en voil quitte. Mais je l'aper ois qui vient en r vant. vitez-le, vous avez le temps. LA COMTESSE. L' viter, lui qui me voit! Ah! je m'en garderai bien. Apr s les discours que vous lui avez tenus, il croirait que je les ai dict s. Non, non, je ne changerai rien ma fa on de vivre avec lui. Allez porter ma lettre. LISETTE, _ part_. Hum! il y a ici quelque chose. (_Haut_.) Madame, je suis d'avis de rester aupr s de vous. Cela m'arrive souvent, et vous en serez plus l'abri d'une d claration. LA COMTESSE. Belle finesse! Quand je lui chapperois aujourd'hui, ne me trouvera-t-il pas demain? Il faudrait donc vous avoir toujours mes c t s? Non, non. Partez. S'il me parle, je sais r pondre. LISETTE. Je suis vous dans l'instant; je n'ai qu' donner cette lettre un laquais. LA COMTESSE. Non, Lisette: c'est une lettre de cons quence, et vous me ferez plaisir de la porter vous-m me, parce que, si le courier est pass , vous me la rapporterez, et je l'enverrai par une autre voie. Je ne me fie point aux valets: ils ne sont point exacts. LISETTE. Le courrier ne passe que dans deux heures, Madame. LA COMTESSE. Eh! allez, vous dis-je. Que sait-on? LISETTE, _ part_. Quel pr texte! (_Haut_.) Cette femme-l ne va pas droit avec moi. SC NE VII. LA COMTESSE, _seule_. Elle avoit la fureur de rester. Les domestiques sont ha ssables; il n'y a pas jusqu' leur z le qui ne vous d soblige. C'est toujours de travers qu'ils vous servent. SC NE VIII. LA COMTESSE, L PINE. L PINE. Madame, monsieur le Marquis vous a vue[56] de loin avec Lisette. Il demande s'il n'y a point de mal qu'il approche; il a le d sir de vous consulter, mais il se fait le scrupule[57] de vous tre importun. LA COMTESSE. Lui importun! Il ne sauroit l' tre. Dites-lui que je l'attends, L pine; qu'il vienne. L PINE. Je vais le r jouir de la nouvelle. Vous l'allez voir dans la minute. SC NE IX. L PINE, LE MARQUIS. L PINE, _appelant le Marquis_. Monsieur, venez prendre audience. Madame l'accorde. (_Quand le Marquis est venu, il lui dit part:_) Courage, Monsieur! l'accueil est gracieux, presque tendre: c'est un coeur qui demande qu'on le prenne. SC NE X. LA COMTESSE, LE MARQUIS. LA COMTESSE. Eh! d'o vient donc la c r monie que vous faites, Marquis?... Vous n'y songez pas.[58] LE MARQUIS. Madame, vous avez bien de la bont ... C'est que j'ai bien des choses vous dire. LA COMTESSE. Effectivement, vous me paroissez r veur, inquiet. LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai l'esprit en peine. J'ai besoin de conseil, j'ai besoin de gr ces, et le tout de votre part. LA COMTESSE. Tant mieux. Vous avez encore moins besoin de tout cela que je n'ai d'envie de vous tre bonne quelque chose. LE MARQUIS. O bonne! Il ne tient qu' vous de m' tre excellente, si vous voulez. LA COMTESSE. Comment, si je veux? Manquez-vous de confiance? Ah! je vous prie, ne me m nagez point. Vous pouvez tout sur moi, Marquis; je suis bien aise de vous le dire. LE MARQUIS. Cette assurance m'est bien agr able, et je serois tent d'en abuser. LA COMTESSE. J'ai grand'peur que vous ne r sistiez la tentation. Vous ne comptez pas assez sur vos amis, car vous tes si r serv , si retenu... LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai beaucoup de timidit . LA COMTESSE. Je fais de mon mieux pour vous l' ter, comme vous voyez. LE MARQUIS. Vous savez dans quelle situation je suis avec Hortense; que je dois l' pouser ou lui donner deux cent mille francs. LA COMTESSE. Oui, et je me suis aper ue que vous n'aviez pas grand go t pour elle. LE MARQUIS. Oh! on ne peut pas moins.[59] Je ne l'aime point du tout. LA COMTESSE. Je n'en suis pas surprise: son caract re est si diff rent du v tre! Elle a quelque chose de trop arrang [60] pour vous. LE MARQUIS. Vous y tes. Elle songe trop ses gr ces. Il faudroit toujours l'entretenir de compliments, et moi, ce n'est pas l mon fort. La coquetterie me g ne, elle me rend muet. LA COMTESSE. Ah! ah! je conviens qu'elle en a un peu; mais presque toutes les femmes sont de m me. Vous ne trouverez que cela partout, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Hors chez vous. Quelle diff rence, par exemple! Vous plaisez sans y penser. Ce n'est pas votre faute: vous ne savez pas seulement que vous tes aimable; mais d'autres le savent pour vous. LA COMTESSE. Moi, Marquis, je pense qu' cet gard-l les autres songent aussi peu moi que j'y songe moi-m me. LE MARQUIS. Oh! j'en connois qui ne vous disent pas tout ce qu'ils songent. LA COMTESSE. Eh! qui sont-ils, Marquis? Quelques amis comme vous, sans doute. LE MARQUIS. Bon, des amis! Voil bien de quoi! Vous n'en aurez encore de longtemps.[61] LA COMTESSE. Je vous suis oblig e du petit compliment que vous me faites en passant. LE MARQUIS. Point du tout. Je ne passe jamais, moi; je dis toujours expr s. LA COMTESSE, _riant_. Comment! vous qui ne voulez pas que j'aie encore des amis, est-ce que vous n' tes pas le mien? LE MARQUIS. Vous m'excuserez; mais, quand je serois autre chose,[62] il n'y auroit rien de surprenant. LA COMTESSE. Eh bien! je ne laisserois pas que d'en tre surprise.[63] LE MARQUIS. Et encore plus f ch e. LA COMTESSE. En v rit , surprise. Je veux pourtant croire que je suis aimable, puisque vous le dites. LE MARQUIS. O charmante! Et je serois bien heureux si Hortense vous ressembloit. Je l' pouserois d'un grand coeur, et j'ai bien de la peine m'y r soudre. LA COMTESSE. Je le crois, et ce seroit encore pis si vous aviez de l'inclination pour une autre. LE MARQUIS. Eh bien! c'est que justement le pis s'y trouve. LA COMTESSE, _par exclamation_. Oui? Vous aimez ailleurs? LE MARQUIS. De toute mon me. LA COMTESSE, _en souriant_. Je m'en suis dout e, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Et vous tes-vous dout e de la personne? LA COMTESSE. Non, mais vous me la direz. LE MARQUIS. Vous me feriez grand plaisir de la deviner. LA COMTESSE. Eh! pourquoi m'en donneriez-vous la peine, puisque vous voil ? LE MARQUIS. C'est que vous ne connoissez qu'elle:[64] c'est la plus aimable femme, la plus franche. Vous parlez de gens sans fa on: il n'y a personne comme elle; plus je la vois, plus je l'admire. LA COMTESSE. pousez-la, Marquis, pousez-la, et laissez l Hortense. Il n'y a point h siter: vous n'avez point d'autre parti prendre. LE MARQUIS. Oui, mais je songe une chose... N'y auroit-il pas moyen de me sauver les deux cent mille francs? Je vous parle coeur ouvert. LA COMTESSE. Regardez-moi dans cette occasion-ci comme une autre vous-m me. LE MARQUIS. Ah! que c'est bien dit! une autre moi-m me! LA COMTESSE. Ce qui me pla t en vous, c'est votre franchise, qui est une qualit admirable. Revenons. Comment vous sauver ces deux cent mille francs? LE MARQUIS. C'est que Hortense aime le Chevalier. Mais, propos, c'est votre parent? LA COMTESSE. Oh! parent de loin. LE MARQUIS. Or, de cet amour qu'elle a pour lui, je conclus qu'elle ne se soucie pas de moi. Je n'ai donc qu' faire semblant de vouloir l' pouser. Elle me refusera, et je ne lui devrai plus rien. Son refus me servira de quittance. LA COMTESSE. Oui-da,[65] vous pouvez le tenter. Ce n'est pas qu'il n'y ait du risque:[66] elle a du discernement, Marquis, Vous supposez qu'elle vous refusera; je n'en sais rien: vous n' tes pas homme d daigner. LE MARQUIS. Est-il vrai? LA COMTESSE. C'est mon sentiment. LE MARQUIS. Vous me flattez; vous encouragez ma franchise. LA COMTESSE. Je vous encourage! Eh! mais en tes-vous encore l ? Mettez-vous donc dans l'esprit que je ne demande qu' vous obliger, qu'il n'y a que l'impossible qui m'arr tera, et que vous devez compter sur tout ce qui d pendra de moi. Ne perdez point cela de vue, trange homme que vous tes, et achevez hardiment. Vous voulez des conseils, je vous en

galant

How many times the word 'galant' appears in the text?

Dorante: venez voir votre fille vous ob ir avec plus de joie qu'on n'en eut jamais. DORANTE. Qu'entends-je! vous, son p re, Monsieur? SILVIA. Oui, Dorante. La m me id e de nous conno tre nous est venue tous deux; apr s cela, je n'ai plus rien vous dire. Vous m'aimez, je n'en saurais douter; mais, votre tour, jugez de mes sentiments pour vous; jugez du cas que j'ai fait de votre coeur par la d licatesse avec laquelle j'ai t ch de l'acqu rir. M. ORGON. Connoissez-vous cette lettre-l ? Voil par o j'ai appris votre d guisement, qu'elle n'a pourtant su que par vous. DORANTE. Je ne saurais vous exprimer mon bonheur, Madame;[253] mais ce qui m'enchante le plus, ce sont les preuves que je vous ai donn es de ma tendresse. MARIO. Dorante me pardonne-t-il la col re o j'ai mis Bourguignon? DORANTE. Il ne vous la pardonne pas, il vous en remercie. ARLEQUIN. De la joie, Madame: vous avez perdu votre rang; mais vous n' tes point plaindre, puisqu'Arlequin vous reste. LISETTE. Belle consolation! il n'y a que toi qui gagne cela. ARLEQUIN. Je n'y perds pas. Avant notre reconnoissance, votre dot valoit mieux que vous; pr sent, vous valez mieux que votre dot. Allons, saute, marquis![254] * * * * * LE LEGS COM DIE EN UN ACTE, EN PROSE ACTEURS. LA COMTESSE. LE MARQUIS. HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. LISETTE,[1] suivante de la Comtesse. L PINE,[2] valet de chambre du Marquis. SC NE PREMI RE. LE CHEVALIER, HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. La d marche que vous allez faire aupr s du Marquis m'alarme. HORTENSE. Je ne risque rien, vous dis-je. Raisonnons. D funt son parent et le mien lui laisse six cent mille francs, la charge, il est vrai, de m' pouser ou de m'en donner deux cent mille: cela est son choix; mais le Marquis ne sent rien pour moi. Je suis s re qu'il a de l'inclination pour la Comtesse; d'ailleurs, il est d j assez riche par lui-m me: voil encore une succession de six cent mille francs qui lui vient, laquelle il ne s'attendoit pas; et vous croyez que, plut t que d'en distraire deux cent mille, il aimera mieux m' pouser, moi qui lui suis indiff rente, pendant qu'il a de l'amour pour la Comtesse, qui peut- tre ne le hait pas, et qui a plus de bien que moi? Il n'y a pas d'apparence. LE CHEVALIER. Mais quoi jugez-vous que la Comtesse ne le hait pas? HORTENSE. A mille petites remarques que je fais tous les jours, et je n'en suis pas surprise. Du caract re dont elle est, celui du Marquis doit tre de son go t. La Comtesse est une femme brusque, qui aime primer, gouverner, tre la ma tresse. Le Marquis est un homme doux, paisible, ais conduire; et voil ce qu'il faut la Comtesse. Aussi ne parle-t-elle de lui qu'avec loge. Son air de na vet lui pla t: c'est, dit-elle, le meilleur homme, le plus complaisant, le plus sociable. D'ailleurs, le Marquis est d'un ge qui lui convient; elle n'est plus de cette grande jeunesse:[3] il a trente-cinq ou quarante ans, et je vois bien qu'elle seroit charm e de vivre avec lui. LE CHEVALIER. J'ai peur que l' v nement[4] ne vous trompe. Ce n'est pas un petit objet que deux cent mille francs qu'il faudra qu'on vous donne si l'on ne vous pouse pas; et puis, quand le Marquis et la Comtesse s'aimeroient, de l'humeur dont ils sont tous deux, ils auront bien de la peine se le dire. HORTENSE. Oh! moyennant[5] l'embarras o je vais jeter le Marquis, il faudra bien qu'il parle; et je veux savoir quoi m'en tenir. Depuis le temps que nous sommes cette campagne,[6] chez la Comtesse, il ne me dit rien. Il y a six semaines qu'il se tait; je veux qu'il s'explique. Je ne perdrai pas le legs qui me revient si je n' pouse point le Marquis. LE CHEVALIER. Mais s'il accepte votre main? HORTENSE. Eh! non! vous dis-je. Laissez-moi faire. Je crois qu'il esp re que ce sera moi qui le refuserai. Peut- tre m me feindra-t-il de consentir notre union; mais que cela ne vous pouvante pas. Vous n' tes point assez riche pour m' pouser avec deux cent mille francs de moins: je suis bien aise de vous les apporter en mariage. Je suis persuad e que la Comtesse et le Marquis ne se ha ssent pas. Voyons ce que me diront l -dessus L pine et Lisette, qui vont venir me parler. L'un, est un Gascon froid,[7] mais adroit; Lisette a de l'esprit. Je sais qu'ils ont tous deux la confiance de leurs ma tres; je les int resserai m'instruire, et tout ira bien. Les voil qui viennent. Retirez-vous. SC NE II. LISETTE, L PINE, HORTENSE. HORTENSE. Venez, Lisette; approchez. LISETTE. Que souhaitez-vous de nous, Madame? HORTENSE. Rien que vous ne puissiez me dire sans blesser la fid lit que vous devez, vous au Marquis, et vous la Comtesse. LISETTE. Tant mieux, Madame. L PINE. Ce d but encourage. Nos services vous sont acquis. HORTENSE, _tire quelque argent de sa poche._ Tenez, Lisette, tout service m rite r compense. LISETTE, _refusant d'abord._ Du moins, Madame, faudroit-il savoir auparavant de quoi il s'agit. HORTENSE. Prenez; je vous le donne, quoi qu'il arrive. Voil pour vous, monsieur de L pine.[8] L PINE. Madame, je serois volontiers de l'avis de Mademoiselle; mais je prends. Le respect d fend que je raisonne. HORTENSE. Je ne pr tends vous engager en rien, et voici de quoi il est question. Le Marquis, votre ma tre, vous estime, L pine? L PINE, _froidement._ Extr mement, Madame; il me conno t. HORTENSE. Je remarque qu'il vous confie ais ment ce qu'il pense. L PINE. Oui. Madame, de toutes ses pens es incontinent[9] j'en ai copie; il n'en sait pas le compte mieux que moi. HORTENSE. Vous, Lisette, vous tes sur le m me ton[10] avec la Comtesse? LISETTE. J'ai cet honneur-l , Madame. HORTENSE. Dites-moi, L pine, je me figure que le Marquis aime la Comtesse. Me tromp -je? Il n'y a point d'inconv nient me dire ce qui en est. L PINE. Je n'affirme rien; mais patience: nous devons ce soir nous entretenir l -dessus. HORTENSE. Eh! soup onnez-vous qu'il l'aime? L PINE. De soup ons,[11] j'en ai de violents. Je m'en claircirai tant t. HORTENSE. Et vous, Lisette, quel est votre sentiment sur la Comtesse? LISETTE. Qu'elle ne songe point du tout au Marquis, Madame. L PINE. Je diff re avec vous de pens e.[12] HORTENSE. Je crois aussi qu'ils s'aiment. Et supposons que je ne me trompe pas: du caract re dont ils sont, ils auront de la peine s'en parler. Vous, L pine, voudriez-vous exciter le Marquis le d clarer la Comtesse? Et vous, Lisette, disposer la Comtesse se l'entendre dire? Ce sera une industrie fort innocente. L PINE. Et m me louable. LISETTE, _rendant l'argent._ Madame, permettez que je vous rende votre argent. HORTENSE, Gardez. D'o vient?[13] LISETTE. C'est qu'il me semble que voil , pr cis ment le service que vous exigez de moi, et c'est pr cis ment celui que je ne puis vous rendre. Ma ma tresse est veuve, elle est tranquille; son tat est heureux; ce seroit dommage de l'en tirer: je prie le Ciel qu'elle y reste. L PINE, _froidement._ Quant moi, je garde mon lot: rien ne m'oblige restitution. J'ai la volont de vous tre utile. Monsieur le Marquis vit dans le c libat; mais le mariage, il est bon, tr s bon; il a ses peines: chaque tat a les siennes; quelquefois le mien me p se. Le tout est gal.[14] Oui, je vous servirai, Madame, je vous servirai; je n'y vois point de mal. On s' pouse de tout temps, on s' pousera toujours; on n'a que cette honn te ressource quand on aime. HORTENSE. Vous me surprenez, Lisette, d'autant plus que je m'imaginois que vous pouviez vous aimer tous deux. LISETTE. C'est de quoi il n'est pas question de ma part. L PINE. De la mienne, j'en suis demeur l'estime. N anmoins, Mademoiselle est aimable; mais j'ai pass mon chemin sans y prendre garde. LISETTE. J'esp re que vous penserez toujours de m me. HORTENSE. Voil ce que j'avois vous dire. Adieu, Lisette; vous ferez ce qu'il vous plaira. Je ne vous demande que le secret. J'accepte vos services, L pine. SC NE III. L PINE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Nous n'avons rien nous dire, mons[15] de L pine. J'ai affaire, et je vous laisse. L PINE. Doucement, Mademoiselle; retardez d'un moment. Je trouve propos de vous informer d'un petit accident qui m'arrive. LISETTE. Voyons. L PINE. D'homme d'honneur,[16] je n'avois pas envisag vos gr ces; je ne connoissois pas votre mine. LISETTE. Qu'importe? Je vous en offre autant:[17] c'est tout au plus si je connois actuellement la v tre.[18] L PINE. Cette dame se figuroit que nous nous aimions. LISETTE. Eh bien! elle se figuroit mal. L PINE. Attendez, voici l'accident: son discours a fait que mes yeux se sont arr t s dessus[19] vous plus attentivement que de coutume. LISETTE. Vos yeux ont pris bien de la peine. L PINE. Et vous tes jolie, sandis![20] oh! tr s jolie! LISETTE. Ma foi, monsieur de L pine, vous tes tr s galant, oh! tr s galant. Mais l'ennui me prend d s qu'on me loue. Abr geons; est-ce l tout? L PINE. A mon exemple, envisagez-moi, je vous prie; faites-en l' preuve. LISETTE. Oui-da![21] Tenez, je vous regarde. L PINE. Eh donc! Est-ce l ce L pine que vous connoissiez? N'y voyez-vous rien[22] de nouveau? Que vous dit le coeur? LISETTE. Pas le mot; il n'y a rien l pour lui. L PINE. Quelquefois pourtant nombre de gens ont estim que j' tois un gar on assez revenant;[23] mais nous y retournerons: c'est partie remettre. coutez le restant. Il est certain que mon ma tre distingue[24] tendrement votre ma tresse. Aujourd'hui m me il m'a confi qu'il m ditoit de vous communiquer ses sentiments. LISETTE. Comme il lui plaira. La r ponse que j'aurai l'honneur de lui communiquer sera courte. L PINE. Remarquons d'abondance[25] que la Comtesse se pla t avec mon ma tre, qu'elle a l' me joyeuse en le voyant. Vous me direz que nos gens[26] sont d' tranges personnes, et je vous l'accorde. Le Marquis, homme tout simple, peu hasardeux dans le discours, n'osera jamais aventurer la d claration, et, des d clarations, la Comtesse les pouvante:[27] femme qui n glige les compliments, qui vous parle entre l'aigre et le doux, et dont l'entretien a je ne sais quoi de sec, de froid, de purement raisonnable. Le moyen que l'amour puisse tre mis en avant avec cette femme! Il ne sera jamais propos de lui dire: Je vous aime, moins qu'on ne lui dise[28] propos de rien. Cette mati re, avec elle, ne peut tomber que des nues. On dit qu'elle traite l'amour de bagatelle d'enfant; moi, je pr tends qu'elle a pris go t cette enfance.[29] Dans cette conjoncture, j'opine que nous encouragions ces deux personnages. Qu'en sera-t-il?[30] Qu'ils s'aimeront bonnement, en toute simplesse,[31] et qu'ils s' pouseront de m me. Qu'en sera-t-il? Qu'en me voyant votre camarade, vous me rendrez votre mari par la douce habitude de me voir. Eh donc! Parlez: tes-vous d'accord? LISETTE. Non. L PINE. Mademoiselle, est-ce mon amour qui vous d pla t? LISETTE. Oui. L PINE. En peu de mots vous dites beaucoup. Mais consid rez l'occurrence:[32] je vous pr dis que nos ma tres se marieront: que la commodit vous tente.[33] LISETTE. Je vous pr dis qu'ils ne se marieront point: je ne veux pas, moi. Ma ma tresse, comme vous dites fort habilement, tient l'amour au-dessous d'elle, et j'aurai soin de l'entretenir dans cette humeur, attendu qu'il n'est pas de mon petit int r t qu'elle se marie. Ma condition n'en seroit pas si bonne, entendez-vous? Il n'y a pas d'apparence que la Comtesse y gagne, et moi j'y perdrais beaucoup. J'ai fait un petit calcul l -dessus, au moyen duquel je trouve que tous vos arrangements me d rangent et ne me valent rien.[34] Ainsi, quelque jolie que je sois, continuez de n'en rien voir; laissez-la la d couverte que vous avez faite de mes gr ces, et passez toujours sans y prendre garde. L PINE, _froidement._ Je les ai vues, Mademoiselle; j'en suis frapp , et n'ai de rem de que votre coeur. LISETTE. Tenez-vous donc pour incurable. L PINE. Me donnez-vous votre dernier mot? LISETTE. Je n'y changerai pas une syllabe. (_Elle veut s'en aller._) L PINE, _l'arr tant_. Permettez que je reparte.[35] Vous calculez, moi de m me. Selon vous, il ne faut pas que nos gens se marient; il faut qu'ils s' pousent, selon moi: je le pr tends. LISETTE. Mauvaise gasconnade! L PINE. Patience. Je vous aime, et vous me refusez le r ciproque? Je calcule qu'il me fait besoin,[36] et je l'aurai, sandis![37] Je le pr tends. LISETTE. Vous ne l'aurez pas, sandis! L PINE. J'ai tout dit. Laissez parler mon ma tre, qui nous arrive. SC NE IV. LE MARQUIS, L PINE, LISETTE. LE MARQUIS. Ah! vous voici, Lisette! Je suis bien aise de vous trouver. LISETTE. Je vous suis oblig e, Monsieur; mais je m'en allois. LE MARQUIS. Vous vous en alliez? J'avois pourtant quelque chose vous dire. tes-vous un peu de nos amis? L PINE. Petitement. LISETTE. J'ai beaucoup d'estime et de respect pour monsieur le Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Tout de bon? Vous me faites plaisir, Lisette. Je fais beaucoup de cas de vous aussi; vous me paroissez une tr s bonne fille, et vous tes une ma tresse qui a bien du m rite. LISETTE. Il y a longtemps que je le sais, Monsieur. LE MARQUIS. Ne vous parle-t-elle jamais de moi? Que vous en dit-elle? LISETTE. Oh! rien. LE MARQUIS. C'est que, entre nous, il n'y a point de femme que j'aime tant qu'elle. LISETTE. Qu'appelez-vous aimer, monsieur le Marquis? Est-ce de l'amour que vous entendez? LE MARQUIS. Eh! mais oui, de l'amour, de l'inclination, comme tu voudras: le nom n'y fait rien. Je l'aime mieux qu'une autre.[38] Voil tout. LISETTE. Cela se peut. LE MARQUIS. Mais elle n'en sait rien; je n'ai pas os le lui apprendre. Je n'ai pas trop le talent de parler d'amour. LISETTE. C'est ce qui me semble. LE MARQUIS. Oui, cela m'embarrasse; et, comme ta ma tresse est une femme fort raisonnable, j'ai peur qu'elle ne se moque de moi, et je ne saurois plus que lui dire: de sorte que j'ai r v qu'il seroit bon que tu la pr vinsses en ma faveur. LISETTE. Je vous demande pardon, Monsieur; mais il falloit r ver tout le contraire. Je ne puis rien pour vous, en v rit . LE MARQUIS. Eh! d'o vient?[39] Je t'aurai grande obligation. Je payerai bien tes peines. (_Montrant L pine._) Et, si ce gar on-l te convenoit, je vous ferois un fort bon parti[40] tous les deux. L PINE, _froidement, et sans regarder Lisette_. Derechef,[41] recueillez-vous l -dessus, Mademoiselle. LISETTE. Il n'y a pas moyen, monsieur le Marquis. Si je parlois de vos sentiments ma ma tresse, vous avez beau dire que le nom n'y fait rien, je me brouillerais[42] avec elle; je vous y brouillerais vous-m me. Ne la connoissez-vous pas? LE MARQUIS. Tu crois donc qu'il n'y a rien faire? LISETTE. Absolument rien. LE MARQUIS. Tant pis. Cela me chagrine. Elle me fait tant d'amiti ,[43] cette femme! Allons, il ne faut donc plus y penser. L PINE, _froidement_. Monsieur, ne vous d confortez[44] pas. Du r cit de Mademoiselle, n'en tenez compte;[45] elle vous triche. Retirons-nous. Venez me consulter l' cart; je serai plus consolant. Partons. LE MARQUIS. Viens. Voyons ce que tu as me dire. Adieu, Lisette. Ne me nuis pas, voil tout ce que j'exige. SC NE V. L PINE, LISETTE. L PINE. N'exigez rien: ne g nons point Mademoiselle. Soyons galamment ennemis d clar s; faisons-nous du mal en toute franchise. Adieu, gentille personne. Je vous ch ris ni plus ni moins: gardez-moi votre coeur: c'est un d p t que je vous laisse. LISETTE. Adieu, mon pauvre L pine. Vous tes peut- tre de tous les fous de la Garonne[46] le plus effront , mais aussi le plus divertissant. SC NE VI. LA COMTESSE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Voici ma ma tresse. De l'humeur dont elle est, je crois que cet amour-ci ne la divertira gu re. Gare[47] que le Marquis ne soit bient t cong di ! LA COMTESSE, _tenant une lettre_. Tenez, Lisette, dites qu'on porte cette lettre la poste. En voil dix que j' cris depuis trois semaines. La sotte chose qu'un proc s! Que j'en suis lasse! Je ne m' tonne pas s'il y a tant de femmes qui se marient! LISETTE, _riant_. Bon! votre proc s! une affaire de mille francs! Voil quelque chose de bien consid rable pour vous! Avez-vous envie de vous remarier? J'ai votre affaire. LA COMTESSE. Qu'est-ce que c'est qu'envie de me remarier? Pourquoi me dites-vous cela? LISETTE. Ne vous f chez pas; je ne veux que vous divertir. LA COMTESSE. Ce pourrait tre quelqu'un de Paris qui vous auroit fait une confidence. En tout cas, ne me le nommez pas. LISETTE. Oh! il faut pourtant que vous connoissiez celui dont je parle. LA COMTESSE. Brisons l -dessus. Je r ve une chose: le Marquis n'a ici qu'un valet de chambre, dont il a peut- tre besoin, et je voulois lui demander s'il n'a pas quelque paquet mettre la poste: on le porteroit avec le mien. O est-il, le Marquis? L'as-tu vu ce matin? LISETTE. Oh! oui. Malepeste![48] il a ses raisons pour tre veill de bonne heure! Revenons au mari que j'ai vous donner, celui qui br le pour vous et que vous avez enflamm de passion... LA COMTESSE. Qui est ce ben t-l ? LISETTE. Vous le devinez. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui br le est un sot. Je ne veux rien savoir de Paris. LISETTE. Ce n'est point de Paris: votre conqu te est dans le ch teau. Vous l'appellez ben t; moi, je vais le flatter: c'est un soupirant qui a l'air fort simple, un air de bon homme. Y tes-vous? LA COMTESSE. Nullement. Qui est-ce qui ressemble celui-ci? LISETTE. Eh! le Marquis. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui est avec nous? LISETTE. Lui-m me. LA COMTESSE. Je n'avois garde d'y tre.[49] O as-tu pris son air simple et de bon homme? Dis donc un air franc et ouvert, la bonne heure: il sera reconnoissable. LISETTE. Ma foi, Madame, je vous le rends comme je le vois. LA COMTESSE. Tu le vois tr s mal, on ne peut pas plus mal: en mille ans on ne le devineroit pas ce portrait-l . Mais de qui tiens-tu ce que tu me contes de son amour? LISETTE. De lui, qui me l'a dit; rien que cela. N'en riez-vous pas? Ne faites pas semblant de le savoir. Au reste, il n'y a qu' vous en d faire tout doucement. LA COMTESSE. H las! je ne lui en veux point de mal.[50] C'est un fort honn te homme, un homme dont je fais cas, qui a d'excellentes qualit s; et j'aime encore mieux que ce soit lui qu'un autre. Mais ne te trompes-tu pas aussi? Il ne t'aura peut- tre parl que d'estime: il en a beaucoup pour moi, beaucoup; il me l'a marqu e en mille occasions d'une mani re fort obligeante. LISETTE. Non, Madame, c'est de l'amour qui regarde vos appas; il en a prononc le mot sans bredouiller comme l'ordinaire. C'est de la flamme... Il languit, il soupire. LA COMTESSE. Est-il possible? Sur ce pied-l , je le plains, car ce n'est pas un tourdi: il faut qu'il le sente, puisqu'il le dit; et ce n'est pas de ces gens-l dont[51] je me moque: jamais leur amour n'est ridicule. Mais il n'osera m'en parler, n'est-ce pas? LISETTE. Oh! ne craignez rien! j'y ai mis bon ordre:[52] il ne s'y jouera pas.[53] Je lui ai t toute esp rance. N'ai-je pas bien fait? LA COMTESSE. Mais oui, sans doute, oui, pourvu que vous ne l'ayez pas brusqu , pourtant. Il falloit y prendre garde: c'est un ami que je veux conserver. Et vous avez quelquefois le ton dur et rev che, Lisette; il valoit mieux le laisser dire. LISETTE. Point du tout. Il vouloit que je vous parlasse en sa faveur. LA COMTESSE. Ce pauvre homme! LISETTE. Et je lui ai r pondu que je ne pouvois pas m'en m ler, que je me brouillerais avec vous si je vous en parlois, que vous me donneriez mon cong , que vous lui donneriez le sien. LA COMTESSE. Le sien. Quelle grossi ret ! Ah! que c'est mal parler! Son cong ? Et m me est-ce que je vous aurois donn le v tre? Vous savez bien que non. D'o vient[54] mentir, Lisette? C'est un ennemi que vous m'allez faire d'un des hommes du monde que je consid re le plus et qui le m rite le mieux. Quel sot langage de domestique! Eh! il toit si simple de vous tenir[55] lui dire: Monsieur, je ne saurois; ce ne sont pas l mes affaires. Parlez-en vous-m me. Et je voudrais qu'il os t m'en parler, pour racommoder un peu votre malhonn tet . Son cong ! son cong ! Il va se croire insult . LISETTE. Eh non, Madame; il toit impossible de vous en d barrasser moins de frais. Faut-il que vous l'aimiez, de peur de le f cher? Voulez-vous tre sa femme par politesse, lui qui doit pouser Hortense? Je ne lui ai rien dit de trop; et vous en voil quitte. Mais je l'aper ois qui vient en r vant. vitez-le, vous avez le temps. LA COMTESSE. L' viter, lui qui me voit! Ah! je m'en garderai bien. Apr s les discours que vous lui avez tenus, il croirait que je les ai dict s. Non, non, je ne changerai rien ma fa on de vivre avec lui. Allez porter ma lettre. LISETTE, _ part_. Hum! il y a ici quelque chose. (_Haut_.) Madame, je suis d'avis de rester aupr s de vous. Cela m'arrive souvent, et vous en serez plus l'abri d'une d claration. LA COMTESSE. Belle finesse! Quand je lui chapperois aujourd'hui, ne me trouvera-t-il pas demain? Il faudrait donc vous avoir toujours mes c t s? Non, non. Partez. S'il me parle, je sais r pondre. LISETTE. Je suis vous dans l'instant; je n'ai qu' donner cette lettre un laquais. LA COMTESSE. Non, Lisette: c'est une lettre de cons quence, et vous me ferez plaisir de la porter vous-m me, parce que, si le courier est pass , vous me la rapporterez, et je l'enverrai par une autre voie. Je ne me fie point aux valets: ils ne sont point exacts. LISETTE. Le courrier ne passe que dans deux heures, Madame. LA COMTESSE. Eh! allez, vous dis-je. Que sait-on? LISETTE, _ part_. Quel pr texte! (_Haut_.) Cette femme-l ne va pas droit avec moi. SC NE VII. LA COMTESSE, _seule_. Elle avoit la fureur de rester. Les domestiques sont ha ssables; il n'y a pas jusqu' leur z le qui ne vous d soblige. C'est toujours de travers qu'ils vous servent. SC NE VIII. LA COMTESSE, L PINE. L PINE. Madame, monsieur le Marquis vous a vue[56] de loin avec Lisette. Il demande s'il n'y a point de mal qu'il approche; il a le d sir de vous consulter, mais il se fait le scrupule[57] de vous tre importun. LA COMTESSE. Lui importun! Il ne sauroit l' tre. Dites-lui que je l'attends, L pine; qu'il vienne. L PINE. Je vais le r jouir de la nouvelle. Vous l'allez voir dans la minute. SC NE IX. L PINE, LE MARQUIS. L PINE, _appelant le Marquis_. Monsieur, venez prendre audience. Madame l'accorde. (_Quand le Marquis est venu, il lui dit part:_) Courage, Monsieur! l'accueil est gracieux, presque tendre: c'est un coeur qui demande qu'on le prenne. SC NE X. LA COMTESSE, LE MARQUIS. LA COMTESSE. Eh! d'o vient donc la c r monie que vous faites, Marquis?... Vous n'y songez pas.[58] LE MARQUIS. Madame, vous avez bien de la bont ... C'est que j'ai bien des choses vous dire. LA COMTESSE. Effectivement, vous me paroissez r veur, inquiet. LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai l'esprit en peine. J'ai besoin de conseil, j'ai besoin de gr ces, et le tout de votre part. LA COMTESSE. Tant mieux. Vous avez encore moins besoin de tout cela que je n'ai d'envie de vous tre bonne quelque chose. LE MARQUIS. O bonne! Il ne tient qu' vous de m' tre excellente, si vous voulez. LA COMTESSE. Comment, si je veux? Manquez-vous de confiance? Ah! je vous prie, ne me m nagez point. Vous pouvez tout sur moi, Marquis; je suis bien aise de vous le dire. LE MARQUIS. Cette assurance m'est bien agr able, et je serois tent d'en abuser. LA COMTESSE. J'ai grand'peur que vous ne r sistiez la tentation. Vous ne comptez pas assez sur vos amis, car vous tes si r serv , si retenu... LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai beaucoup de timidit . LA COMTESSE. Je fais de mon mieux pour vous l' ter, comme vous voyez. LE MARQUIS. Vous savez dans quelle situation je suis avec Hortense; que je dois l' pouser ou lui donner deux cent mille francs. LA COMTESSE. Oui, et je me suis aper ue que vous n'aviez pas grand go t pour elle. LE MARQUIS. Oh! on ne peut pas moins.[59] Je ne l'aime point du tout. LA COMTESSE. Je n'en suis pas surprise: son caract re est si diff rent du v tre! Elle a quelque chose de trop arrang [60] pour vous. LE MARQUIS. Vous y tes. Elle songe trop ses gr ces. Il faudroit toujours l'entretenir de compliments, et moi, ce n'est pas l mon fort. La coquetterie me g ne, elle me rend muet. LA COMTESSE. Ah! ah! je conviens qu'elle en a un peu; mais presque toutes les femmes sont de m me. Vous ne trouverez que cela partout, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Hors chez vous. Quelle diff rence, par exemple! Vous plaisez sans y penser. Ce n'est pas votre faute: vous ne savez pas seulement que vous tes aimable; mais d'autres le savent pour vous. LA COMTESSE. Moi, Marquis, je pense qu' cet gard-l les autres songent aussi peu moi que j'y songe moi-m me. LE MARQUIS. Oh! j'en connois qui ne vous disent pas tout ce qu'ils songent. LA COMTESSE. Eh! qui sont-ils, Marquis? Quelques amis comme vous, sans doute. LE MARQUIS. Bon, des amis! Voil bien de quoi! Vous n'en aurez encore de longtemps.[61] LA COMTESSE. Je vous suis oblig e du petit compliment que vous me faites en passant. LE MARQUIS. Point du tout. Je ne passe jamais, moi; je dis toujours expr s. LA COMTESSE, _riant_. Comment! vous qui ne voulez pas que j'aie encore des amis, est-ce que vous n' tes pas le mien? LE MARQUIS. Vous m'excuserez; mais, quand je serois autre chose,[62] il n'y auroit rien de surprenant. LA COMTESSE. Eh bien! je ne laisserois pas que d'en tre surprise.[63] LE MARQUIS. Et encore plus f ch e. LA COMTESSE. En v rit , surprise. Je veux pourtant croire que je suis aimable, puisque vous le dites. LE MARQUIS. O charmante! Et je serois bien heureux si Hortense vous ressembloit. Je l' pouserois d'un grand coeur, et j'ai bien de la peine m'y r soudre. LA COMTESSE. Je le crois, et ce seroit encore pis si vous aviez de l'inclination pour une autre. LE MARQUIS. Eh bien! c'est que justement le pis s'y trouve. LA COMTESSE, _par exclamation_. Oui? Vous aimez ailleurs? LE MARQUIS. De toute mon me. LA COMTESSE, _en souriant_. Je m'en suis dout e, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Et vous tes-vous dout e de la personne? LA COMTESSE. Non, mais vous me la direz. LE MARQUIS. Vous me feriez grand plaisir de la deviner. LA COMTESSE. Eh! pourquoi m'en donneriez-vous la peine, puisque vous voil ? LE MARQUIS. C'est que vous ne connoissez qu'elle:[64] c'est la plus aimable femme, la plus franche. Vous parlez de gens sans fa on: il n'y a personne comme elle; plus je la vois, plus je l'admire. LA COMTESSE. pousez-la, Marquis, pousez-la, et laissez l Hortense. Il n'y a point h siter: vous n'avez point d'autre parti prendre. LE MARQUIS. Oui, mais je songe une chose... N'y auroit-il pas moyen de me sauver les deux cent mille francs? Je vous parle coeur ouvert. LA COMTESSE. Regardez-moi dans cette occasion-ci comme une autre vous-m me. LE MARQUIS. Ah! que c'est bien dit! une autre moi-m me! LA COMTESSE. Ce qui me pla t en vous, c'est votre franchise, qui est une qualit admirable. Revenons. Comment vous sauver ces deux cent mille francs? LE MARQUIS. C'est que Hortense aime le Chevalier. Mais, propos, c'est votre parent? LA COMTESSE. Oh! parent de loin. LE MARQUIS. Or, de cet amour qu'elle a pour lui, je conclus qu'elle ne se soucie pas de moi. Je n'ai donc qu' faire semblant de vouloir l' pouser. Elle me refusera, et je ne lui devrai plus rien. Son refus me servira de quittance. LA COMTESSE. Oui-da,[65] vous pouvez le tenter. Ce n'est pas qu'il n'y ait du risque:[66] elle a du discernement, Marquis, Vous supposez qu'elle vous refusera; je n'en sais rien: vous n' tes pas homme d daigner. LE MARQUIS. Est-il vrai? LA COMTESSE. C'est mon sentiment. LE MARQUIS. Vous me flattez; vous encouragez ma franchise. LA COMTESSE. Je vous encourage! Eh! mais en tes-vous encore l ? Mettez-vous donc dans l'esprit que je ne demande qu' vous obliger, qu'il n'y a que l'impossible qui m'arr tera, et que vous devez compter sur tout ce qui d pendra de moi. Ne perdez point cela de vue, trange homme que vous tes, et achevez hardiment. Vous voulez des conseils, je vous en

pouse

How many times the word 'pouse' appears in the text?

Dorante: venez voir votre fille vous ob ir avec plus de joie qu'on n'en eut jamais. DORANTE. Qu'entends-je! vous, son p re, Monsieur? SILVIA. Oui, Dorante. La m me id e de nous conno tre nous est venue tous deux; apr s cela, je n'ai plus rien vous dire. Vous m'aimez, je n'en saurais douter; mais, votre tour, jugez de mes sentiments pour vous; jugez du cas que j'ai fait de votre coeur par la d licatesse avec laquelle j'ai t ch de l'acqu rir. M. ORGON. Connoissez-vous cette lettre-l ? Voil par o j'ai appris votre d guisement, qu'elle n'a pourtant su que par vous. DORANTE. Je ne saurais vous exprimer mon bonheur, Madame;[253] mais ce qui m'enchante le plus, ce sont les preuves que je vous ai donn es de ma tendresse. MARIO. Dorante me pardonne-t-il la col re o j'ai mis Bourguignon? DORANTE. Il ne vous la pardonne pas, il vous en remercie. ARLEQUIN. De la joie, Madame: vous avez perdu votre rang; mais vous n' tes point plaindre, puisqu'Arlequin vous reste. LISETTE. Belle consolation! il n'y a que toi qui gagne cela. ARLEQUIN. Je n'y perds pas. Avant notre reconnoissance, votre dot valoit mieux que vous; pr sent, vous valez mieux que votre dot. Allons, saute, marquis![254] * * * * * LE LEGS COM DIE EN UN ACTE, EN PROSE ACTEURS. LA COMTESSE. LE MARQUIS. HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. LISETTE,[1] suivante de la Comtesse. L PINE,[2] valet de chambre du Marquis. SC NE PREMI RE. LE CHEVALIER, HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. La d marche que vous allez faire aupr s du Marquis m'alarme. HORTENSE. Je ne risque rien, vous dis-je. Raisonnons. D funt son parent et le mien lui laisse six cent mille francs, la charge, il est vrai, de m' pouser ou de m'en donner deux cent mille: cela est son choix; mais le Marquis ne sent rien pour moi. Je suis s re qu'il a de l'inclination pour la Comtesse; d'ailleurs, il est d j assez riche par lui-m me: voil encore une succession de six cent mille francs qui lui vient, laquelle il ne s'attendoit pas; et vous croyez que, plut t que d'en distraire deux cent mille, il aimera mieux m' pouser, moi qui lui suis indiff rente, pendant qu'il a de l'amour pour la Comtesse, qui peut- tre ne le hait pas, et qui a plus de bien que moi? Il n'y a pas d'apparence. LE CHEVALIER. Mais quoi jugez-vous que la Comtesse ne le hait pas? HORTENSE. A mille petites remarques que je fais tous les jours, et je n'en suis pas surprise. Du caract re dont elle est, celui du Marquis doit tre de son go t. La Comtesse est une femme brusque, qui aime primer, gouverner, tre la ma tresse. Le Marquis est un homme doux, paisible, ais conduire; et voil ce qu'il faut la Comtesse. Aussi ne parle-t-elle de lui qu'avec loge. Son air de na vet lui pla t: c'est, dit-elle, le meilleur homme, le plus complaisant, le plus sociable. D'ailleurs, le Marquis est d'un ge qui lui convient; elle n'est plus de cette grande jeunesse:[3] il a trente-cinq ou quarante ans, et je vois bien qu'elle seroit charm e de vivre avec lui. LE CHEVALIER. J'ai peur que l' v nement[4] ne vous trompe. Ce n'est pas un petit objet que deux cent mille francs qu'il faudra qu'on vous donne si l'on ne vous pouse pas; et puis, quand le Marquis et la Comtesse s'aimeroient, de l'humeur dont ils sont tous deux, ils auront bien de la peine se le dire. HORTENSE. Oh! moyennant[5] l'embarras o je vais jeter le Marquis, il faudra bien qu'il parle; et je veux savoir quoi m'en tenir. Depuis le temps que nous sommes cette campagne,[6] chez la Comtesse, il ne me dit rien. Il y a six semaines qu'il se tait; je veux qu'il s'explique. Je ne perdrai pas le legs qui me revient si je n' pouse point le Marquis. LE CHEVALIER. Mais s'il accepte votre main? HORTENSE. Eh! non! vous dis-je. Laissez-moi faire. Je crois qu'il esp re que ce sera moi qui le refuserai. Peut- tre m me feindra-t-il de consentir notre union; mais que cela ne vous pouvante pas. Vous n' tes point assez riche pour m' pouser avec deux cent mille francs de moins: je suis bien aise de vous les apporter en mariage. Je suis persuad e que la Comtesse et le Marquis ne se ha ssent pas. Voyons ce que me diront l -dessus L pine et Lisette, qui vont venir me parler. L'un, est un Gascon froid,[7] mais adroit; Lisette a de l'esprit. Je sais qu'ils ont tous deux la confiance de leurs ma tres; je les int resserai m'instruire, et tout ira bien. Les voil qui viennent. Retirez-vous. SC NE II. LISETTE, L PINE, HORTENSE. HORTENSE. Venez, Lisette; approchez. LISETTE. Que souhaitez-vous de nous, Madame? HORTENSE. Rien que vous ne puissiez me dire sans blesser la fid lit que vous devez, vous au Marquis, et vous la Comtesse. LISETTE. Tant mieux, Madame. L PINE. Ce d but encourage. Nos services vous sont acquis. HORTENSE, _tire quelque argent de sa poche._ Tenez, Lisette, tout service m rite r compense. LISETTE, _refusant d'abord._ Du moins, Madame, faudroit-il savoir auparavant de quoi il s'agit. HORTENSE. Prenez; je vous le donne, quoi qu'il arrive. Voil pour vous, monsieur de L pine.[8] L PINE. Madame, je serois volontiers de l'avis de Mademoiselle; mais je prends. Le respect d fend que je raisonne. HORTENSE. Je ne pr tends vous engager en rien, et voici de quoi il est question. Le Marquis, votre ma tre, vous estime, L pine? L PINE, _froidement._ Extr mement, Madame; il me conno t. HORTENSE. Je remarque qu'il vous confie ais ment ce qu'il pense. L PINE. Oui. Madame, de toutes ses pens es incontinent[9] j'en ai copie; il n'en sait pas le compte mieux que moi. HORTENSE. Vous, Lisette, vous tes sur le m me ton[10] avec la Comtesse? LISETTE. J'ai cet honneur-l , Madame. HORTENSE. Dites-moi, L pine, je me figure que le Marquis aime la Comtesse. Me tromp -je? Il n'y a point d'inconv nient me dire ce qui en est. L PINE. Je n'affirme rien; mais patience: nous devons ce soir nous entretenir l -dessus. HORTENSE. Eh! soup onnez-vous qu'il l'aime? L PINE. De soup ons,[11] j'en ai de violents. Je m'en claircirai tant t. HORTENSE. Et vous, Lisette, quel est votre sentiment sur la Comtesse? LISETTE. Qu'elle ne songe point du tout au Marquis, Madame. L PINE. Je diff re avec vous de pens e.[12] HORTENSE. Je crois aussi qu'ils s'aiment. Et supposons que je ne me trompe pas: du caract re dont ils sont, ils auront de la peine s'en parler. Vous, L pine, voudriez-vous exciter le Marquis le d clarer la Comtesse? Et vous, Lisette, disposer la Comtesse se l'entendre dire? Ce sera une industrie fort innocente. L PINE. Et m me louable. LISETTE, _rendant l'argent._ Madame, permettez que je vous rende votre argent. HORTENSE, Gardez. D'o vient?[13] LISETTE. C'est qu'il me semble que voil , pr cis ment le service que vous exigez de moi, et c'est pr cis ment celui que je ne puis vous rendre. Ma ma tresse est veuve, elle est tranquille; son tat est heureux; ce seroit dommage de l'en tirer: je prie le Ciel qu'elle y reste. L PINE, _froidement._ Quant moi, je garde mon lot: rien ne m'oblige restitution. J'ai la volont de vous tre utile. Monsieur le Marquis vit dans le c libat; mais le mariage, il est bon, tr s bon; il a ses peines: chaque tat a les siennes; quelquefois le mien me p se. Le tout est gal.[14] Oui, je vous servirai, Madame, je vous servirai; je n'y vois point de mal. On s' pouse de tout temps, on s' pousera toujours; on n'a que cette honn te ressource quand on aime. HORTENSE. Vous me surprenez, Lisette, d'autant plus que je m'imaginois que vous pouviez vous aimer tous deux. LISETTE. C'est de quoi il n'est pas question de ma part. L PINE. De la mienne, j'en suis demeur l'estime. N anmoins, Mademoiselle est aimable; mais j'ai pass mon chemin sans y prendre garde. LISETTE. J'esp re que vous penserez toujours de m me. HORTENSE. Voil ce que j'avois vous dire. Adieu, Lisette; vous ferez ce qu'il vous plaira. Je ne vous demande que le secret. J'accepte vos services, L pine. SC NE III. L PINE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Nous n'avons rien nous dire, mons[15] de L pine. J'ai affaire, et je vous laisse. L PINE. Doucement, Mademoiselle; retardez d'un moment. Je trouve propos de vous informer d'un petit accident qui m'arrive. LISETTE. Voyons. L PINE. D'homme d'honneur,[16] je n'avois pas envisag vos gr ces; je ne connoissois pas votre mine. LISETTE. Qu'importe? Je vous en offre autant:[17] c'est tout au plus si je connois actuellement la v tre.[18] L PINE. Cette dame se figuroit que nous nous aimions. LISETTE. Eh bien! elle se figuroit mal. L PINE. Attendez, voici l'accident: son discours a fait que mes yeux se sont arr t s dessus[19] vous plus attentivement que de coutume. LISETTE. Vos yeux ont pris bien de la peine. L PINE. Et vous tes jolie, sandis![20] oh! tr s jolie! LISETTE. Ma foi, monsieur de L pine, vous tes tr s galant, oh! tr s galant. Mais l'ennui me prend d s qu'on me loue. Abr geons; est-ce l tout? L PINE. A mon exemple, envisagez-moi, je vous prie; faites-en l' preuve. LISETTE. Oui-da![21] Tenez, je vous regarde. L PINE. Eh donc! Est-ce l ce L pine que vous connoissiez? N'y voyez-vous rien[22] de nouveau? Que vous dit le coeur? LISETTE. Pas le mot; il n'y a rien l pour lui. L PINE. Quelquefois pourtant nombre de gens ont estim que j' tois un gar on assez revenant;[23] mais nous y retournerons: c'est partie remettre. coutez le restant. Il est certain que mon ma tre distingue[24] tendrement votre ma tresse. Aujourd'hui m me il m'a confi qu'il m ditoit de vous communiquer ses sentiments. LISETTE. Comme il lui plaira. La r ponse que j'aurai l'honneur de lui communiquer sera courte. L PINE. Remarquons d'abondance[25] que la Comtesse se pla t avec mon ma tre, qu'elle a l' me joyeuse en le voyant. Vous me direz que nos gens[26] sont d' tranges personnes, et je vous l'accorde. Le Marquis, homme tout simple, peu hasardeux dans le discours, n'osera jamais aventurer la d claration, et, des d clarations, la Comtesse les pouvante:[27] femme qui n glige les compliments, qui vous parle entre l'aigre et le doux, et dont l'entretien a je ne sais quoi de sec, de froid, de purement raisonnable. Le moyen que l'amour puisse tre mis en avant avec cette femme! Il ne sera jamais propos de lui dire: Je vous aime, moins qu'on ne lui dise[28] propos de rien. Cette mati re, avec elle, ne peut tomber que des nues. On dit qu'elle traite l'amour de bagatelle d'enfant; moi, je pr tends qu'elle a pris go t cette enfance.[29] Dans cette conjoncture, j'opine que nous encouragions ces deux personnages. Qu'en sera-t-il?[30] Qu'ils s'aimeront bonnement, en toute simplesse,[31] et qu'ils s' pouseront de m me. Qu'en sera-t-il? Qu'en me voyant votre camarade, vous me rendrez votre mari par la douce habitude de me voir. Eh donc! Parlez: tes-vous d'accord? LISETTE. Non. L PINE. Mademoiselle, est-ce mon amour qui vous d pla t? LISETTE. Oui. L PINE. En peu de mots vous dites beaucoup. Mais consid rez l'occurrence:[32] je vous pr dis que nos ma tres se marieront: que la commodit vous tente.[33] LISETTE. Je vous pr dis qu'ils ne se marieront point: je ne veux pas, moi. Ma ma tresse, comme vous dites fort habilement, tient l'amour au-dessous d'elle, et j'aurai soin de l'entretenir dans cette humeur, attendu qu'il n'est pas de mon petit int r t qu'elle se marie. Ma condition n'en seroit pas si bonne, entendez-vous? Il n'y a pas d'apparence que la Comtesse y gagne, et moi j'y perdrais beaucoup. J'ai fait un petit calcul l -dessus, au moyen duquel je trouve que tous vos arrangements me d rangent et ne me valent rien.[34] Ainsi, quelque jolie que je sois, continuez de n'en rien voir; laissez-la la d couverte que vous avez faite de mes gr ces, et passez toujours sans y prendre garde. L PINE, _froidement._ Je les ai vues, Mademoiselle; j'en suis frapp , et n'ai de rem de que votre coeur. LISETTE. Tenez-vous donc pour incurable. L PINE. Me donnez-vous votre dernier mot? LISETTE. Je n'y changerai pas une syllabe. (_Elle veut s'en aller._) L PINE, _l'arr tant_. Permettez que je reparte.[35] Vous calculez, moi de m me. Selon vous, il ne faut pas que nos gens se marient; il faut qu'ils s' pousent, selon moi: je le pr tends. LISETTE. Mauvaise gasconnade! L PINE. Patience. Je vous aime, et vous me refusez le r ciproque? Je calcule qu'il me fait besoin,[36] et je l'aurai, sandis![37] Je le pr tends. LISETTE. Vous ne l'aurez pas, sandis! L PINE. J'ai tout dit. Laissez parler mon ma tre, qui nous arrive. SC NE IV. LE MARQUIS, L PINE, LISETTE. LE MARQUIS. Ah! vous voici, Lisette! Je suis bien aise de vous trouver. LISETTE. Je vous suis oblig e, Monsieur; mais je m'en allois. LE MARQUIS. Vous vous en alliez? J'avois pourtant quelque chose vous dire. tes-vous un peu de nos amis? L PINE. Petitement. LISETTE. J'ai beaucoup d'estime et de respect pour monsieur le Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Tout de bon? Vous me faites plaisir, Lisette. Je fais beaucoup de cas de vous aussi; vous me paroissez une tr s bonne fille, et vous tes une ma tresse qui a bien du m rite. LISETTE. Il y a longtemps que je le sais, Monsieur. LE MARQUIS. Ne vous parle-t-elle jamais de moi? Que vous en dit-elle? LISETTE. Oh! rien. LE MARQUIS. C'est que, entre nous, il n'y a point de femme que j'aime tant qu'elle. LISETTE. Qu'appelez-vous aimer, monsieur le Marquis? Est-ce de l'amour que vous entendez? LE MARQUIS. Eh! mais oui, de l'amour, de l'inclination, comme tu voudras: le nom n'y fait rien. Je l'aime mieux qu'une autre.[38] Voil tout. LISETTE. Cela se peut. LE MARQUIS. Mais elle n'en sait rien; je n'ai pas os le lui apprendre. Je n'ai pas trop le talent de parler d'amour. LISETTE. C'est ce qui me semble. LE MARQUIS. Oui, cela m'embarrasse; et, comme ta ma tresse est une femme fort raisonnable, j'ai peur qu'elle ne se moque de moi, et je ne saurois plus que lui dire: de sorte que j'ai r v qu'il seroit bon que tu la pr vinsses en ma faveur. LISETTE. Je vous demande pardon, Monsieur; mais il falloit r ver tout le contraire. Je ne puis rien pour vous, en v rit . LE MARQUIS. Eh! d'o vient?[39] Je t'aurai grande obligation. Je payerai bien tes peines. (_Montrant L pine._) Et, si ce gar on-l te convenoit, je vous ferois un fort bon parti[40] tous les deux. L PINE, _froidement, et sans regarder Lisette_. Derechef,[41] recueillez-vous l -dessus, Mademoiselle. LISETTE. Il n'y a pas moyen, monsieur le Marquis. Si je parlois de vos sentiments ma ma tresse, vous avez beau dire que le nom n'y fait rien, je me brouillerais[42] avec elle; je vous y brouillerais vous-m me. Ne la connoissez-vous pas? LE MARQUIS. Tu crois donc qu'il n'y a rien faire? LISETTE. Absolument rien. LE MARQUIS. Tant pis. Cela me chagrine. Elle me fait tant d'amiti ,[43] cette femme! Allons, il ne faut donc plus y penser. L PINE, _froidement_. Monsieur, ne vous d confortez[44] pas. Du r cit de Mademoiselle, n'en tenez compte;[45] elle vous triche. Retirons-nous. Venez me consulter l' cart; je serai plus consolant. Partons. LE MARQUIS. Viens. Voyons ce que tu as me dire. Adieu, Lisette. Ne me nuis pas, voil tout ce que j'exige. SC NE V. L PINE, LISETTE. L PINE. N'exigez rien: ne g nons point Mademoiselle. Soyons galamment ennemis d clar s; faisons-nous du mal en toute franchise. Adieu, gentille personne. Je vous ch ris ni plus ni moins: gardez-moi votre coeur: c'est un d p t que je vous laisse. LISETTE. Adieu, mon pauvre L pine. Vous tes peut- tre de tous les fous de la Garonne[46] le plus effront , mais aussi le plus divertissant. SC NE VI. LA COMTESSE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Voici ma ma tresse. De l'humeur dont elle est, je crois que cet amour-ci ne la divertira gu re. Gare[47] que le Marquis ne soit bient t cong di ! LA COMTESSE, _tenant une lettre_. Tenez, Lisette, dites qu'on porte cette lettre la poste. En voil dix que j' cris depuis trois semaines. La sotte chose qu'un proc s! Que j'en suis lasse! Je ne m' tonne pas s'il y a tant de femmes qui se marient! LISETTE, _riant_. Bon! votre proc s! une affaire de mille francs! Voil quelque chose de bien consid rable pour vous! Avez-vous envie de vous remarier? J'ai votre affaire. LA COMTESSE. Qu'est-ce que c'est qu'envie de me remarier? Pourquoi me dites-vous cela? LISETTE. Ne vous f chez pas; je ne veux que vous divertir. LA COMTESSE. Ce pourrait tre quelqu'un de Paris qui vous auroit fait une confidence. En tout cas, ne me le nommez pas. LISETTE. Oh! il faut pourtant que vous connoissiez celui dont je parle. LA COMTESSE. Brisons l -dessus. Je r ve une chose: le Marquis n'a ici qu'un valet de chambre, dont il a peut- tre besoin, et je voulois lui demander s'il n'a pas quelque paquet mettre la poste: on le porteroit avec le mien. O est-il, le Marquis? L'as-tu vu ce matin? LISETTE. Oh! oui. Malepeste![48] il a ses raisons pour tre veill de bonne heure! Revenons au mari que j'ai vous donner, celui qui br le pour vous et que vous avez enflamm de passion... LA COMTESSE. Qui est ce ben t-l ? LISETTE. Vous le devinez. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui br le est un sot. Je ne veux rien savoir de Paris. LISETTE. Ce n'est point de Paris: votre conqu te est dans le ch teau. Vous l'appellez ben t; moi, je vais le flatter: c'est un soupirant qui a l'air fort simple, un air de bon homme. Y tes-vous? LA COMTESSE. Nullement. Qui est-ce qui ressemble celui-ci? LISETTE. Eh! le Marquis. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui est avec nous? LISETTE. Lui-m me. LA COMTESSE. Je n'avois garde d'y tre.[49] O as-tu pris son air simple et de bon homme? Dis donc un air franc et ouvert, la bonne heure: il sera reconnoissable. LISETTE. Ma foi, Madame, je vous le rends comme je le vois. LA COMTESSE. Tu le vois tr s mal, on ne peut pas plus mal: en mille ans on ne le devineroit pas ce portrait-l . Mais de qui tiens-tu ce que tu me contes de son amour? LISETTE. De lui, qui me l'a dit; rien que cela. N'en riez-vous pas? Ne faites pas semblant de le savoir. Au reste, il n'y a qu' vous en d faire tout doucement. LA COMTESSE. H las! je ne lui en veux point de mal.[50] C'est un fort honn te homme, un homme dont je fais cas, qui a d'excellentes qualit s; et j'aime encore mieux que ce soit lui qu'un autre. Mais ne te trompes-tu pas aussi? Il ne t'aura peut- tre parl que d'estime: il en a beaucoup pour moi, beaucoup; il me l'a marqu e en mille occasions d'une mani re fort obligeante. LISETTE. Non, Madame, c'est de l'amour qui regarde vos appas; il en a prononc le mot sans bredouiller comme l'ordinaire. C'est de la flamme... Il languit, il soupire. LA COMTESSE. Est-il possible? Sur ce pied-l , je le plains, car ce n'est pas un tourdi: il faut qu'il le sente, puisqu'il le dit; et ce n'est pas de ces gens-l dont[51] je me moque: jamais leur amour n'est ridicule. Mais il n'osera m'en parler, n'est-ce pas? LISETTE. Oh! ne craignez rien! j'y ai mis bon ordre:[52] il ne s'y jouera pas.[53] Je lui ai t toute esp rance. N'ai-je pas bien fait? LA COMTESSE. Mais oui, sans doute, oui, pourvu que vous ne l'ayez pas brusqu , pourtant. Il falloit y prendre garde: c'est un ami que je veux conserver. Et vous avez quelquefois le ton dur et rev che, Lisette; il valoit mieux le laisser dire. LISETTE. Point du tout. Il vouloit que je vous parlasse en sa faveur. LA COMTESSE. Ce pauvre homme! LISETTE. Et je lui ai r pondu que je ne pouvois pas m'en m ler, que je me brouillerais avec vous si je vous en parlois, que vous me donneriez mon cong , que vous lui donneriez le sien. LA COMTESSE. Le sien. Quelle grossi ret ! Ah! que c'est mal parler! Son cong ? Et m me est-ce que je vous aurois donn le v tre? Vous savez bien que non. D'o vient[54] mentir, Lisette? C'est un ennemi que vous m'allez faire d'un des hommes du monde que je consid re le plus et qui le m rite le mieux. Quel sot langage de domestique! Eh! il toit si simple de vous tenir[55] lui dire: Monsieur, je ne saurois; ce ne sont pas l mes affaires. Parlez-en vous-m me. Et je voudrais qu'il os t m'en parler, pour racommoder un peu votre malhonn tet . Son cong ! son cong ! Il va se croire insult . LISETTE. Eh non, Madame; il toit impossible de vous en d barrasser moins de frais. Faut-il que vous l'aimiez, de peur de le f cher? Voulez-vous tre sa femme par politesse, lui qui doit pouser Hortense? Je ne lui ai rien dit de trop; et vous en voil quitte. Mais je l'aper ois qui vient en r vant. vitez-le, vous avez le temps. LA COMTESSE. L' viter, lui qui me voit! Ah! je m'en garderai bien. Apr s les discours que vous lui avez tenus, il croirait que je les ai dict s. Non, non, je ne changerai rien ma fa on de vivre avec lui. Allez porter ma lettre. LISETTE, _ part_. Hum! il y a ici quelque chose. (_Haut_.) Madame, je suis d'avis de rester aupr s de vous. Cela m'arrive souvent, et vous en serez plus l'abri d'une d claration. LA COMTESSE. Belle finesse! Quand je lui chapperois aujourd'hui, ne me trouvera-t-il pas demain? Il faudrait donc vous avoir toujours mes c t s? Non, non. Partez. S'il me parle, je sais r pondre. LISETTE. Je suis vous dans l'instant; je n'ai qu' donner cette lettre un laquais. LA COMTESSE. Non, Lisette: c'est une lettre de cons quence, et vous me ferez plaisir de la porter vous-m me, parce que, si le courier est pass , vous me la rapporterez, et je l'enverrai par une autre voie. Je ne me fie point aux valets: ils ne sont point exacts. LISETTE. Le courrier ne passe que dans deux heures, Madame. LA COMTESSE. Eh! allez, vous dis-je. Que sait-on? LISETTE, _ part_. Quel pr texte! (_Haut_.) Cette femme-l ne va pas droit avec moi. SC NE VII. LA COMTESSE, _seule_. Elle avoit la fureur de rester. Les domestiques sont ha ssables; il n'y a pas jusqu' leur z le qui ne vous d soblige. C'est toujours de travers qu'ils vous servent. SC NE VIII. LA COMTESSE, L PINE. L PINE. Madame, monsieur le Marquis vous a vue[56] de loin avec Lisette. Il demande s'il n'y a point de mal qu'il approche; il a le d sir de vous consulter, mais il se fait le scrupule[57] de vous tre importun. LA COMTESSE. Lui importun! Il ne sauroit l' tre. Dites-lui que je l'attends, L pine; qu'il vienne. L PINE. Je vais le r jouir de la nouvelle. Vous l'allez voir dans la minute. SC NE IX. L PINE, LE MARQUIS. L PINE, _appelant le Marquis_. Monsieur, venez prendre audience. Madame l'accorde. (_Quand le Marquis est venu, il lui dit part:_) Courage, Monsieur! l'accueil est gracieux, presque tendre: c'est un coeur qui demande qu'on le prenne. SC NE X. LA COMTESSE, LE MARQUIS. LA COMTESSE. Eh! d'o vient donc la c r monie que vous faites, Marquis?... Vous n'y songez pas.[58] LE MARQUIS. Madame, vous avez bien de la bont ... C'est que j'ai bien des choses vous dire. LA COMTESSE. Effectivement, vous me paroissez r veur, inquiet. LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai l'esprit en peine. J'ai besoin de conseil, j'ai besoin de gr ces, et le tout de votre part. LA COMTESSE. Tant mieux. Vous avez encore moins besoin de tout cela que je n'ai d'envie de vous tre bonne quelque chose. LE MARQUIS. O bonne! Il ne tient qu' vous de m' tre excellente, si vous voulez. LA COMTESSE. Comment, si je veux? Manquez-vous de confiance? Ah! je vous prie, ne me m nagez point. Vous pouvez tout sur moi, Marquis; je suis bien aise de vous le dire. LE MARQUIS. Cette assurance m'est bien agr able, et je serois tent d'en abuser. LA COMTESSE. J'ai grand'peur que vous ne r sistiez la tentation. Vous ne comptez pas assez sur vos amis, car vous tes si r serv , si retenu... LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai beaucoup de timidit . LA COMTESSE. Je fais de mon mieux pour vous l' ter, comme vous voyez. LE MARQUIS. Vous savez dans quelle situation je suis avec Hortense; que je dois l' pouser ou lui donner deux cent mille francs. LA COMTESSE. Oui, et je me suis aper ue que vous n'aviez pas grand go t pour elle. LE MARQUIS. Oh! on ne peut pas moins.[59] Je ne l'aime point du tout. LA COMTESSE. Je n'en suis pas surprise: son caract re est si diff rent du v tre! Elle a quelque chose de trop arrang [60] pour vous. LE MARQUIS. Vous y tes. Elle songe trop ses gr ces. Il faudroit toujours l'entretenir de compliments, et moi, ce n'est pas l mon fort. La coquetterie me g ne, elle me rend muet. LA COMTESSE. Ah! ah! je conviens qu'elle en a un peu; mais presque toutes les femmes sont de m me. Vous ne trouverez que cela partout, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Hors chez vous. Quelle diff rence, par exemple! Vous plaisez sans y penser. Ce n'est pas votre faute: vous ne savez pas seulement que vous tes aimable; mais d'autres le savent pour vous. LA COMTESSE. Moi, Marquis, je pense qu' cet gard-l les autres songent aussi peu moi que j'y songe moi-m me. LE MARQUIS. Oh! j'en connois qui ne vous disent pas tout ce qu'ils songent. LA COMTESSE. Eh! qui sont-ils, Marquis? Quelques amis comme vous, sans doute. LE MARQUIS. Bon, des amis! Voil bien de quoi! Vous n'en aurez encore de longtemps.[61] LA COMTESSE. Je vous suis oblig e du petit compliment que vous me faites en passant. LE MARQUIS. Point du tout. Je ne passe jamais, moi; je dis toujours expr s. LA COMTESSE, _riant_. Comment! vous qui ne voulez pas que j'aie encore des amis, est-ce que vous n' tes pas le mien? LE MARQUIS. Vous m'excuserez; mais, quand je serois autre chose,[62] il n'y auroit rien de surprenant. LA COMTESSE. Eh bien! je ne laisserois pas que d'en tre surprise.[63] LE MARQUIS. Et encore plus f ch e. LA COMTESSE. En v rit , surprise. Je veux pourtant croire que je suis aimable, puisque vous le dites. LE MARQUIS. O charmante! Et je serois bien heureux si Hortense vous ressembloit. Je l' pouserois d'un grand coeur, et j'ai bien de la peine m'y r soudre. LA COMTESSE. Je le crois, et ce seroit encore pis si vous aviez de l'inclination pour une autre. LE MARQUIS. Eh bien! c'est que justement le pis s'y trouve. LA COMTESSE, _par exclamation_. Oui? Vous aimez ailleurs? LE MARQUIS. De toute mon me. LA COMTESSE, _en souriant_. Je m'en suis dout e, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Et vous tes-vous dout e de la personne? LA COMTESSE. Non, mais vous me la direz. LE MARQUIS. Vous me feriez grand plaisir de la deviner. LA COMTESSE. Eh! pourquoi m'en donneriez-vous la peine, puisque vous voil ? LE MARQUIS. C'est que vous ne connoissez qu'elle:[64] c'est la plus aimable femme, la plus franche. Vous parlez de gens sans fa on: il n'y a personne comme elle; plus je la vois, plus je l'admire. LA COMTESSE. pousez-la, Marquis, pousez-la, et laissez l Hortense. Il n'y a point h siter: vous n'avez point d'autre parti prendre. LE MARQUIS. Oui, mais je songe une chose... N'y auroit-il pas moyen de me sauver les deux cent mille francs? Je vous parle coeur ouvert. LA COMTESSE. Regardez-moi dans cette occasion-ci comme une autre vous-m me. LE MARQUIS. Ah! que c'est bien dit! une autre moi-m me! LA COMTESSE. Ce qui me pla t en vous, c'est votre franchise, qui est une qualit admirable. Revenons. Comment vous sauver ces deux cent mille francs? LE MARQUIS. C'est que Hortense aime le Chevalier. Mais, propos, c'est votre parent? LA COMTESSE. Oh! parent de loin. LE MARQUIS. Or, de cet amour qu'elle a pour lui, je conclus qu'elle ne se soucie pas de moi. Je n'ai donc qu' faire semblant de vouloir l' pouser. Elle me refusera, et je ne lui devrai plus rien. Son refus me servira de quittance. LA COMTESSE. Oui-da,[65] vous pouvez le tenter. Ce n'est pas qu'il n'y ait du risque:[66] elle a du discernement, Marquis, Vous supposez qu'elle vous refusera; je n'en sais rien: vous n' tes pas homme d daigner. LE MARQUIS. Est-il vrai? LA COMTESSE. C'est mon sentiment. LE MARQUIS. Vous me flattez; vous encouragez ma franchise. LA COMTESSE. Je vous encourage! Eh! mais en tes-vous encore l ? Mettez-vous donc dans l'esprit que je ne demande qu' vous obliger, qu'il n'y a que l'impossible qui m'arr tera, et que vous devez compter sur tout ce qui d pendra de moi. Ne perdez point cela de vue, trange homme que vous tes, et achevez hardiment. Vous voulez des conseils, je vous en

faudra

How many times the word 'faudra' appears in the text?

Dorante: venez voir votre fille vous ob ir avec plus de joie qu'on n'en eut jamais. DORANTE. Qu'entends-je! vous, son p re, Monsieur? SILVIA. Oui, Dorante. La m me id e de nous conno tre nous est venue tous deux; apr s cela, je n'ai plus rien vous dire. Vous m'aimez, je n'en saurais douter; mais, votre tour, jugez de mes sentiments pour vous; jugez du cas que j'ai fait de votre coeur par la d licatesse avec laquelle j'ai t ch de l'acqu rir. M. ORGON. Connoissez-vous cette lettre-l ? Voil par o j'ai appris votre d guisement, qu'elle n'a pourtant su que par vous. DORANTE. Je ne saurais vous exprimer mon bonheur, Madame;[253] mais ce qui m'enchante le plus, ce sont les preuves que je vous ai donn es de ma tendresse. MARIO. Dorante me pardonne-t-il la col re o j'ai mis Bourguignon? DORANTE. Il ne vous la pardonne pas, il vous en remercie. ARLEQUIN. De la joie, Madame: vous avez perdu votre rang; mais vous n' tes point plaindre, puisqu'Arlequin vous reste. LISETTE. Belle consolation! il n'y a que toi qui gagne cela. ARLEQUIN. Je n'y perds pas. Avant notre reconnoissance, votre dot valoit mieux que vous; pr sent, vous valez mieux que votre dot. Allons, saute, marquis![254] * * * * * LE LEGS COM DIE EN UN ACTE, EN PROSE ACTEURS. LA COMTESSE. LE MARQUIS. HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. LISETTE,[1] suivante de la Comtesse. L PINE,[2] valet de chambre du Marquis. SC NE PREMI RE. LE CHEVALIER, HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. La d marche que vous allez faire aupr s du Marquis m'alarme. HORTENSE. Je ne risque rien, vous dis-je. Raisonnons. D funt son parent et le mien lui laisse six cent mille francs, la charge, il est vrai, de m' pouser ou de m'en donner deux cent mille: cela est son choix; mais le Marquis ne sent rien pour moi. Je suis s re qu'il a de l'inclination pour la Comtesse; d'ailleurs, il est d j assez riche par lui-m me: voil encore une succession de six cent mille francs qui lui vient, laquelle il ne s'attendoit pas; et vous croyez que, plut t que d'en distraire deux cent mille, il aimera mieux m' pouser, moi qui lui suis indiff rente, pendant qu'il a de l'amour pour la Comtesse, qui peut- tre ne le hait pas, et qui a plus de bien que moi? Il n'y a pas d'apparence. LE CHEVALIER. Mais quoi jugez-vous que la Comtesse ne le hait pas? HORTENSE. A mille petites remarques que je fais tous les jours, et je n'en suis pas surprise. Du caract re dont elle est, celui du Marquis doit tre de son go t. La Comtesse est une femme brusque, qui aime primer, gouverner, tre la ma tresse. Le Marquis est un homme doux, paisible, ais conduire; et voil ce qu'il faut la Comtesse. Aussi ne parle-t-elle de lui qu'avec loge. Son air de na vet lui pla t: c'est, dit-elle, le meilleur homme, le plus complaisant, le plus sociable. D'ailleurs, le Marquis est d'un ge qui lui convient; elle n'est plus de cette grande jeunesse:[3] il a trente-cinq ou quarante ans, et je vois bien qu'elle seroit charm e de vivre avec lui. LE CHEVALIER. J'ai peur que l' v nement[4] ne vous trompe. Ce n'est pas un petit objet que deux cent mille francs qu'il faudra qu'on vous donne si l'on ne vous pouse pas; et puis, quand le Marquis et la Comtesse s'aimeroient, de l'humeur dont ils sont tous deux, ils auront bien de la peine se le dire. HORTENSE. Oh! moyennant[5] l'embarras o je vais jeter le Marquis, il faudra bien qu'il parle; et je veux savoir quoi m'en tenir. Depuis le temps que nous sommes cette campagne,[6] chez la Comtesse, il ne me dit rien. Il y a six semaines qu'il se tait; je veux qu'il s'explique. Je ne perdrai pas le legs qui me revient si je n' pouse point le Marquis. LE CHEVALIER. Mais s'il accepte votre main? HORTENSE. Eh! non! vous dis-je. Laissez-moi faire. Je crois qu'il esp re que ce sera moi qui le refuserai. Peut- tre m me feindra-t-il de consentir notre union; mais que cela ne vous pouvante pas. Vous n' tes point assez riche pour m' pouser avec deux cent mille francs de moins: je suis bien aise de vous les apporter en mariage. Je suis persuad e que la Comtesse et le Marquis ne se ha ssent pas. Voyons ce que me diront l -dessus L pine et Lisette, qui vont venir me parler. L'un, est un Gascon froid,[7] mais adroit; Lisette a de l'esprit. Je sais qu'ils ont tous deux la confiance de leurs ma tres; je les int resserai m'instruire, et tout ira bien. Les voil qui viennent. Retirez-vous. SC NE II. LISETTE, L PINE, HORTENSE. HORTENSE. Venez, Lisette; approchez. LISETTE. Que souhaitez-vous de nous, Madame? HORTENSE. Rien que vous ne puissiez me dire sans blesser la fid lit que vous devez, vous au Marquis, et vous la Comtesse. LISETTE. Tant mieux, Madame. L PINE. Ce d but encourage. Nos services vous sont acquis. HORTENSE, _tire quelque argent de sa poche._ Tenez, Lisette, tout service m rite r compense. LISETTE, _refusant d'abord._ Du moins, Madame, faudroit-il savoir auparavant de quoi il s'agit. HORTENSE. Prenez; je vous le donne, quoi qu'il arrive. Voil pour vous, monsieur de L pine.[8] L PINE. Madame, je serois volontiers de l'avis de Mademoiselle; mais je prends. Le respect d fend que je raisonne. HORTENSE. Je ne pr tends vous engager en rien, et voici de quoi il est question. Le Marquis, votre ma tre, vous estime, L pine? L PINE, _froidement._ Extr mement, Madame; il me conno t. HORTENSE. Je remarque qu'il vous confie ais ment ce qu'il pense. L PINE. Oui. Madame, de toutes ses pens es incontinent[9] j'en ai copie; il n'en sait pas le compte mieux que moi. HORTENSE. Vous, Lisette, vous tes sur le m me ton[10] avec la Comtesse? LISETTE. J'ai cet honneur-l , Madame. HORTENSE. Dites-moi, L pine, je me figure que le Marquis aime la Comtesse. Me tromp -je? Il n'y a point d'inconv nient me dire ce qui en est. L PINE. Je n'affirme rien; mais patience: nous devons ce soir nous entretenir l -dessus. HORTENSE. Eh! soup onnez-vous qu'il l'aime? L PINE. De soup ons,[11] j'en ai de violents. Je m'en claircirai tant t. HORTENSE. Et vous, Lisette, quel est votre sentiment sur la Comtesse? LISETTE. Qu'elle ne songe point du tout au Marquis, Madame. L PINE. Je diff re avec vous de pens e.[12] HORTENSE. Je crois aussi qu'ils s'aiment. Et supposons que je ne me trompe pas: du caract re dont ils sont, ils auront de la peine s'en parler. Vous, L pine, voudriez-vous exciter le Marquis le d clarer la Comtesse? Et vous, Lisette, disposer la Comtesse se l'entendre dire? Ce sera une industrie fort innocente. L PINE. Et m me louable. LISETTE, _rendant l'argent._ Madame, permettez que je vous rende votre argent. HORTENSE, Gardez. D'o vient?[13] LISETTE. C'est qu'il me semble que voil , pr cis ment le service que vous exigez de moi, et c'est pr cis ment celui que je ne puis vous rendre. Ma ma tresse est veuve, elle est tranquille; son tat est heureux; ce seroit dommage de l'en tirer: je prie le Ciel qu'elle y reste. L PINE, _froidement._ Quant moi, je garde mon lot: rien ne m'oblige restitution. J'ai la volont de vous tre utile. Monsieur le Marquis vit dans le c libat; mais le mariage, il est bon, tr s bon; il a ses peines: chaque tat a les siennes; quelquefois le mien me p se. Le tout est gal.[14] Oui, je vous servirai, Madame, je vous servirai; je n'y vois point de mal. On s' pouse de tout temps, on s' pousera toujours; on n'a que cette honn te ressource quand on aime. HORTENSE. Vous me surprenez, Lisette, d'autant plus que je m'imaginois que vous pouviez vous aimer tous deux. LISETTE. C'est de quoi il n'est pas question de ma part. L PINE. De la mienne, j'en suis demeur l'estime. N anmoins, Mademoiselle est aimable; mais j'ai pass mon chemin sans y prendre garde. LISETTE. J'esp re que vous penserez toujours de m me. HORTENSE. Voil ce que j'avois vous dire. Adieu, Lisette; vous ferez ce qu'il vous plaira. Je ne vous demande que le secret. J'accepte vos services, L pine. SC NE III. L PINE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Nous n'avons rien nous dire, mons[15] de L pine. J'ai affaire, et je vous laisse. L PINE. Doucement, Mademoiselle; retardez d'un moment. Je trouve propos de vous informer d'un petit accident qui m'arrive. LISETTE. Voyons. L PINE. D'homme d'honneur,[16] je n'avois pas envisag vos gr ces; je ne connoissois pas votre mine. LISETTE. Qu'importe? Je vous en offre autant:[17] c'est tout au plus si je connois actuellement la v tre.[18] L PINE. Cette dame se figuroit que nous nous aimions. LISETTE. Eh bien! elle se figuroit mal. L PINE. Attendez, voici l'accident: son discours a fait que mes yeux se sont arr t s dessus[19] vous plus attentivement que de coutume. LISETTE. Vos yeux ont pris bien de la peine. L PINE. Et vous tes jolie, sandis![20] oh! tr s jolie! LISETTE. Ma foi, monsieur de L pine, vous tes tr s galant, oh! tr s galant. Mais l'ennui me prend d s qu'on me loue. Abr geons; est-ce l tout? L PINE. A mon exemple, envisagez-moi, je vous prie; faites-en l' preuve. LISETTE. Oui-da![21] Tenez, je vous regarde. L PINE. Eh donc! Est-ce l ce L pine que vous connoissiez? N'y voyez-vous rien[22] de nouveau? Que vous dit le coeur? LISETTE. Pas le mot; il n'y a rien l pour lui. L PINE. Quelquefois pourtant nombre de gens ont estim que j' tois un gar on assez revenant;[23] mais nous y retournerons: c'est partie remettre. coutez le restant. Il est certain que mon ma tre distingue[24] tendrement votre ma tresse. Aujourd'hui m me il m'a confi qu'il m ditoit de vous communiquer ses sentiments. LISETTE. Comme il lui plaira. La r ponse que j'aurai l'honneur de lui communiquer sera courte. L PINE. Remarquons d'abondance[25] que la Comtesse se pla t avec mon ma tre, qu'elle a l' me joyeuse en le voyant. Vous me direz que nos gens[26] sont d' tranges personnes, et je vous l'accorde. Le Marquis, homme tout simple, peu hasardeux dans le discours, n'osera jamais aventurer la d claration, et, des d clarations, la Comtesse les pouvante:[27] femme qui n glige les compliments, qui vous parle entre l'aigre et le doux, et dont l'entretien a je ne sais quoi de sec, de froid, de purement raisonnable. Le moyen que l'amour puisse tre mis en avant avec cette femme! Il ne sera jamais propos de lui dire: Je vous aime, moins qu'on ne lui dise[28] propos de rien. Cette mati re, avec elle, ne peut tomber que des nues. On dit qu'elle traite l'amour de bagatelle d'enfant; moi, je pr tends qu'elle a pris go t cette enfance.[29] Dans cette conjoncture, j'opine que nous encouragions ces deux personnages. Qu'en sera-t-il?[30] Qu'ils s'aimeront bonnement, en toute simplesse,[31] et qu'ils s' pouseront de m me. Qu'en sera-t-il? Qu'en me voyant votre camarade, vous me rendrez votre mari par la douce habitude de me voir. Eh donc! Parlez: tes-vous d'accord? LISETTE. Non. L PINE. Mademoiselle, est-ce mon amour qui vous d pla t? LISETTE. Oui. L PINE. En peu de mots vous dites beaucoup. Mais consid rez l'occurrence:[32] je vous pr dis que nos ma tres se marieront: que la commodit vous tente.[33] LISETTE. Je vous pr dis qu'ils ne se marieront point: je ne veux pas, moi. Ma ma tresse, comme vous dites fort habilement, tient l'amour au-dessous d'elle, et j'aurai soin de l'entretenir dans cette humeur, attendu qu'il n'est pas de mon petit int r t qu'elle se marie. Ma condition n'en seroit pas si bonne, entendez-vous? Il n'y a pas d'apparence que la Comtesse y gagne, et moi j'y perdrais beaucoup. J'ai fait un petit calcul l -dessus, au moyen duquel je trouve que tous vos arrangements me d rangent et ne me valent rien.[34] Ainsi, quelque jolie que je sois, continuez de n'en rien voir; laissez-la la d couverte que vous avez faite de mes gr ces, et passez toujours sans y prendre garde. L PINE, _froidement._ Je les ai vues, Mademoiselle; j'en suis frapp , et n'ai de rem de que votre coeur. LISETTE. Tenez-vous donc pour incurable. L PINE. Me donnez-vous votre dernier mot? LISETTE. Je n'y changerai pas une syllabe. (_Elle veut s'en aller._) L PINE, _l'arr tant_. Permettez que je reparte.[35] Vous calculez, moi de m me. Selon vous, il ne faut pas que nos gens se marient; il faut qu'ils s' pousent, selon moi: je le pr tends. LISETTE. Mauvaise gasconnade! L PINE. Patience. Je vous aime, et vous me refusez le r ciproque? Je calcule qu'il me fait besoin,[36] et je l'aurai, sandis![37] Je le pr tends. LISETTE. Vous ne l'aurez pas, sandis! L PINE. J'ai tout dit. Laissez parler mon ma tre, qui nous arrive. SC NE IV. LE MARQUIS, L PINE, LISETTE. LE MARQUIS. Ah! vous voici, Lisette! Je suis bien aise de vous trouver. LISETTE. Je vous suis oblig e, Monsieur; mais je m'en allois. LE MARQUIS. Vous vous en alliez? J'avois pourtant quelque chose vous dire. tes-vous un peu de nos amis? L PINE. Petitement. LISETTE. J'ai beaucoup d'estime et de respect pour monsieur le Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Tout de bon? Vous me faites plaisir, Lisette. Je fais beaucoup de cas de vous aussi; vous me paroissez une tr s bonne fille, et vous tes une ma tresse qui a bien du m rite. LISETTE. Il y a longtemps que je le sais, Monsieur. LE MARQUIS. Ne vous parle-t-elle jamais de moi? Que vous en dit-elle? LISETTE. Oh! rien. LE MARQUIS. C'est que, entre nous, il n'y a point de femme que j'aime tant qu'elle. LISETTE. Qu'appelez-vous aimer, monsieur le Marquis? Est-ce de l'amour que vous entendez? LE MARQUIS. Eh! mais oui, de l'amour, de l'inclination, comme tu voudras: le nom n'y fait rien. Je l'aime mieux qu'une autre.[38] Voil tout. LISETTE. Cela se peut. LE MARQUIS. Mais elle n'en sait rien; je n'ai pas os le lui apprendre. Je n'ai pas trop le talent de parler d'amour. LISETTE. C'est ce qui me semble. LE MARQUIS. Oui, cela m'embarrasse; et, comme ta ma tresse est une femme fort raisonnable, j'ai peur qu'elle ne se moque de moi, et je ne saurois plus que lui dire: de sorte que j'ai r v qu'il seroit bon que tu la pr vinsses en ma faveur. LISETTE. Je vous demande pardon, Monsieur; mais il falloit r ver tout le contraire. Je ne puis rien pour vous, en v rit . LE MARQUIS. Eh! d'o vient?[39] Je t'aurai grande obligation. Je payerai bien tes peines. (_Montrant L pine._) Et, si ce gar on-l te convenoit, je vous ferois un fort bon parti[40] tous les deux. L PINE, _froidement, et sans regarder Lisette_. Derechef,[41] recueillez-vous l -dessus, Mademoiselle. LISETTE. Il n'y a pas moyen, monsieur le Marquis. Si je parlois de vos sentiments ma ma tresse, vous avez beau dire que le nom n'y fait rien, je me brouillerais[42] avec elle; je vous y brouillerais vous-m me. Ne la connoissez-vous pas? LE MARQUIS. Tu crois donc qu'il n'y a rien faire? LISETTE. Absolument rien. LE MARQUIS. Tant pis. Cela me chagrine. Elle me fait tant d'amiti ,[43] cette femme! Allons, il ne faut donc plus y penser. L PINE, _froidement_. Monsieur, ne vous d confortez[44] pas. Du r cit de Mademoiselle, n'en tenez compte;[45] elle vous triche. Retirons-nous. Venez me consulter l' cart; je serai plus consolant. Partons. LE MARQUIS. Viens. Voyons ce que tu as me dire. Adieu, Lisette. Ne me nuis pas, voil tout ce que j'exige. SC NE V. L PINE, LISETTE. L PINE. N'exigez rien: ne g nons point Mademoiselle. Soyons galamment ennemis d clar s; faisons-nous du mal en toute franchise. Adieu, gentille personne. Je vous ch ris ni plus ni moins: gardez-moi votre coeur: c'est un d p t que je vous laisse. LISETTE. Adieu, mon pauvre L pine. Vous tes peut- tre de tous les fous de la Garonne[46] le plus effront , mais aussi le plus divertissant. SC NE VI. LA COMTESSE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Voici ma ma tresse. De l'humeur dont elle est, je crois que cet amour-ci ne la divertira gu re. Gare[47] que le Marquis ne soit bient t cong di ! LA COMTESSE, _tenant une lettre_. Tenez, Lisette, dites qu'on porte cette lettre la poste. En voil dix que j' cris depuis trois semaines. La sotte chose qu'un proc s! Que j'en suis lasse! Je ne m' tonne pas s'il y a tant de femmes qui se marient! LISETTE, _riant_. Bon! votre proc s! une affaire de mille francs! Voil quelque chose de bien consid rable pour vous! Avez-vous envie de vous remarier? J'ai votre affaire. LA COMTESSE. Qu'est-ce que c'est qu'envie de me remarier? Pourquoi me dites-vous cela? LISETTE. Ne vous f chez pas; je ne veux que vous divertir. LA COMTESSE. Ce pourrait tre quelqu'un de Paris qui vous auroit fait une confidence. En tout cas, ne me le nommez pas. LISETTE. Oh! il faut pourtant que vous connoissiez celui dont je parle. LA COMTESSE. Brisons l -dessus. Je r ve une chose: le Marquis n'a ici qu'un valet de chambre, dont il a peut- tre besoin, et je voulois lui demander s'il n'a pas quelque paquet mettre la poste: on le porteroit avec le mien. O est-il, le Marquis? L'as-tu vu ce matin? LISETTE. Oh! oui. Malepeste![48] il a ses raisons pour tre veill de bonne heure! Revenons au mari que j'ai vous donner, celui qui br le pour vous et que vous avez enflamm de passion... LA COMTESSE. Qui est ce ben t-l ? LISETTE. Vous le devinez. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui br le est un sot. Je ne veux rien savoir de Paris. LISETTE. Ce n'est point de Paris: votre conqu te est dans le ch teau. Vous l'appellez ben t; moi, je vais le flatter: c'est un soupirant qui a l'air fort simple, un air de bon homme. Y tes-vous? LA COMTESSE. Nullement. Qui est-ce qui ressemble celui-ci? LISETTE. Eh! le Marquis. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui est avec nous? LISETTE. Lui-m me. LA COMTESSE. Je n'avois garde d'y tre.[49] O as-tu pris son air simple et de bon homme? Dis donc un air franc et ouvert, la bonne heure: il sera reconnoissable. LISETTE. Ma foi, Madame, je vous le rends comme je le vois. LA COMTESSE. Tu le vois tr s mal, on ne peut pas plus mal: en mille ans on ne le devineroit pas ce portrait-l . Mais de qui tiens-tu ce que tu me contes de son amour? LISETTE. De lui, qui me l'a dit; rien que cela. N'en riez-vous pas? Ne faites pas semblant de le savoir. Au reste, il n'y a qu' vous en d faire tout doucement. LA COMTESSE. H las! je ne lui en veux point de mal.[50] C'est un fort honn te homme, un homme dont je fais cas, qui a d'excellentes qualit s; et j'aime encore mieux que ce soit lui qu'un autre. Mais ne te trompes-tu pas aussi? Il ne t'aura peut- tre parl que d'estime: il en a beaucoup pour moi, beaucoup; il me l'a marqu e en mille occasions d'une mani re fort obligeante. LISETTE. Non, Madame, c'est de l'amour qui regarde vos appas; il en a prononc le mot sans bredouiller comme l'ordinaire. C'est de la flamme... Il languit, il soupire. LA COMTESSE. Est-il possible? Sur ce pied-l , je le plains, car ce n'est pas un tourdi: il faut qu'il le sente, puisqu'il le dit; et ce n'est pas de ces gens-l dont[51] je me moque: jamais leur amour n'est ridicule. Mais il n'osera m'en parler, n'est-ce pas? LISETTE. Oh! ne craignez rien! j'y ai mis bon ordre:[52] il ne s'y jouera pas.[53] Je lui ai t toute esp rance. N'ai-je pas bien fait? LA COMTESSE. Mais oui, sans doute, oui, pourvu que vous ne l'ayez pas brusqu , pourtant. Il falloit y prendre garde: c'est un ami que je veux conserver. Et vous avez quelquefois le ton dur et rev che, Lisette; il valoit mieux le laisser dire. LISETTE. Point du tout. Il vouloit que je vous parlasse en sa faveur. LA COMTESSE. Ce pauvre homme! LISETTE. Et je lui ai r pondu que je ne pouvois pas m'en m ler, que je me brouillerais avec vous si je vous en parlois, que vous me donneriez mon cong , que vous lui donneriez le sien. LA COMTESSE. Le sien. Quelle grossi ret ! Ah! que c'est mal parler! Son cong ? Et m me est-ce que je vous aurois donn le v tre? Vous savez bien que non. D'o vient[54] mentir, Lisette? C'est un ennemi que vous m'allez faire d'un des hommes du monde que je consid re le plus et qui le m rite le mieux. Quel sot langage de domestique! Eh! il toit si simple de vous tenir[55] lui dire: Monsieur, je ne saurois; ce ne sont pas l mes affaires. Parlez-en vous-m me. Et je voudrais qu'il os t m'en parler, pour racommoder un peu votre malhonn tet . Son cong ! son cong ! Il va se croire insult . LISETTE. Eh non, Madame; il toit impossible de vous en d barrasser moins de frais. Faut-il que vous l'aimiez, de peur de le f cher? Voulez-vous tre sa femme par politesse, lui qui doit pouser Hortense? Je ne lui ai rien dit de trop; et vous en voil quitte. Mais je l'aper ois qui vient en r vant. vitez-le, vous avez le temps. LA COMTESSE. L' viter, lui qui me voit! Ah! je m'en garderai bien. Apr s les discours que vous lui avez tenus, il croirait que je les ai dict s. Non, non, je ne changerai rien ma fa on de vivre avec lui. Allez porter ma lettre. LISETTE, _ part_. Hum! il y a ici quelque chose. (_Haut_.) Madame, je suis d'avis de rester aupr s de vous. Cela m'arrive souvent, et vous en serez plus l'abri d'une d claration. LA COMTESSE. Belle finesse! Quand je lui chapperois aujourd'hui, ne me trouvera-t-il pas demain? Il faudrait donc vous avoir toujours mes c t s? Non, non. Partez. S'il me parle, je sais r pondre. LISETTE. Je suis vous dans l'instant; je n'ai qu' donner cette lettre un laquais. LA COMTESSE. Non, Lisette: c'est une lettre de cons quence, et vous me ferez plaisir de la porter vous-m me, parce que, si le courier est pass , vous me la rapporterez, et je l'enverrai par une autre voie. Je ne me fie point aux valets: ils ne sont point exacts. LISETTE. Le courrier ne passe que dans deux heures, Madame. LA COMTESSE. Eh! allez, vous dis-je. Que sait-on? LISETTE, _ part_. Quel pr texte! (_Haut_.) Cette femme-l ne va pas droit avec moi. SC NE VII. LA COMTESSE, _seule_. Elle avoit la fureur de rester. Les domestiques sont ha ssables; il n'y a pas jusqu' leur z le qui ne vous d soblige. C'est toujours de travers qu'ils vous servent. SC NE VIII. LA COMTESSE, L PINE. L PINE. Madame, monsieur le Marquis vous a vue[56] de loin avec Lisette. Il demande s'il n'y a point de mal qu'il approche; il a le d sir de vous consulter, mais il se fait le scrupule[57] de vous tre importun. LA COMTESSE. Lui importun! Il ne sauroit l' tre. Dites-lui que je l'attends, L pine; qu'il vienne. L PINE. Je vais le r jouir de la nouvelle. Vous l'allez voir dans la minute. SC NE IX. L PINE, LE MARQUIS. L PINE, _appelant le Marquis_. Monsieur, venez prendre audience. Madame l'accorde. (_Quand le Marquis est venu, il lui dit part:_) Courage, Monsieur! l'accueil est gracieux, presque tendre: c'est un coeur qui demande qu'on le prenne. SC NE X. LA COMTESSE, LE MARQUIS. LA COMTESSE. Eh! d'o vient donc la c r monie que vous faites, Marquis?... Vous n'y songez pas.[58] LE MARQUIS. Madame, vous avez bien de la bont ... C'est que j'ai bien des choses vous dire. LA COMTESSE. Effectivement, vous me paroissez r veur, inquiet. LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai l'esprit en peine. J'ai besoin de conseil, j'ai besoin de gr ces, et le tout de votre part. LA COMTESSE. Tant mieux. Vous avez encore moins besoin de tout cela que je n'ai d'envie de vous tre bonne quelque chose. LE MARQUIS. O bonne! Il ne tient qu' vous de m' tre excellente, si vous voulez. LA COMTESSE. Comment, si je veux? Manquez-vous de confiance? Ah! je vous prie, ne me m nagez point. Vous pouvez tout sur moi, Marquis; je suis bien aise de vous le dire. LE MARQUIS. Cette assurance m'est bien agr able, et je serois tent d'en abuser. LA COMTESSE. J'ai grand'peur que vous ne r sistiez la tentation. Vous ne comptez pas assez sur vos amis, car vous tes si r serv , si retenu... LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai beaucoup de timidit . LA COMTESSE. Je fais de mon mieux pour vous l' ter, comme vous voyez. LE MARQUIS. Vous savez dans quelle situation je suis avec Hortense; que je dois l' pouser ou lui donner deux cent mille francs. LA COMTESSE. Oui, et je me suis aper ue que vous n'aviez pas grand go t pour elle. LE MARQUIS. Oh! on ne peut pas moins.[59] Je ne l'aime point du tout. LA COMTESSE. Je n'en suis pas surprise: son caract re est si diff rent du v tre! Elle a quelque chose de trop arrang [60] pour vous. LE MARQUIS. Vous y tes. Elle songe trop ses gr ces. Il faudroit toujours l'entretenir de compliments, et moi, ce n'est pas l mon fort. La coquetterie me g ne, elle me rend muet. LA COMTESSE. Ah! ah! je conviens qu'elle en a un peu; mais presque toutes les femmes sont de m me. Vous ne trouverez que cela partout, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Hors chez vous. Quelle diff rence, par exemple! Vous plaisez sans y penser. Ce n'est pas votre faute: vous ne savez pas seulement que vous tes aimable; mais d'autres le savent pour vous. LA COMTESSE. Moi, Marquis, je pense qu' cet gard-l les autres songent aussi peu moi que j'y songe moi-m me. LE MARQUIS. Oh! j'en connois qui ne vous disent pas tout ce qu'ils songent. LA COMTESSE. Eh! qui sont-ils, Marquis? Quelques amis comme vous, sans doute. LE MARQUIS. Bon, des amis! Voil bien de quoi! Vous n'en aurez encore de longtemps.[61] LA COMTESSE. Je vous suis oblig e du petit compliment que vous me faites en passant. LE MARQUIS. Point du tout. Je ne passe jamais, moi; je dis toujours expr s. LA COMTESSE, _riant_. Comment! vous qui ne voulez pas que j'aie encore des amis, est-ce que vous n' tes pas le mien? LE MARQUIS. Vous m'excuserez; mais, quand je serois autre chose,[62] il n'y auroit rien de surprenant. LA COMTESSE. Eh bien! je ne laisserois pas que d'en tre surprise.[63] LE MARQUIS. Et encore plus f ch e. LA COMTESSE. En v rit , surprise. Je veux pourtant croire que je suis aimable, puisque vous le dites. LE MARQUIS. O charmante! Et je serois bien heureux si Hortense vous ressembloit. Je l' pouserois d'un grand coeur, et j'ai bien de la peine m'y r soudre. LA COMTESSE. Je le crois, et ce seroit encore pis si vous aviez de l'inclination pour une autre. LE MARQUIS. Eh bien! c'est que justement le pis s'y trouve. LA COMTESSE, _par exclamation_. Oui? Vous aimez ailleurs? LE MARQUIS. De toute mon me. LA COMTESSE, _en souriant_. Je m'en suis dout e, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Et vous tes-vous dout e de la personne? LA COMTESSE. Non, mais vous me la direz. LE MARQUIS. Vous me feriez grand plaisir de la deviner. LA COMTESSE. Eh! pourquoi m'en donneriez-vous la peine, puisque vous voil ? LE MARQUIS. C'est que vous ne connoissez qu'elle:[64] c'est la plus aimable femme, la plus franche. Vous parlez de gens sans fa on: il n'y a personne comme elle; plus je la vois, plus je l'admire. LA COMTESSE. pousez-la, Marquis, pousez-la, et laissez l Hortense. Il n'y a point h siter: vous n'avez point d'autre parti prendre. LE MARQUIS. Oui, mais je songe une chose... N'y auroit-il pas moyen de me sauver les deux cent mille francs? Je vous parle coeur ouvert. LA COMTESSE. Regardez-moi dans cette occasion-ci comme une autre vous-m me. LE MARQUIS. Ah! que c'est bien dit! une autre moi-m me! LA COMTESSE. Ce qui me pla t en vous, c'est votre franchise, qui est une qualit admirable. Revenons. Comment vous sauver ces deux cent mille francs? LE MARQUIS. C'est que Hortense aime le Chevalier. Mais, propos, c'est votre parent? LA COMTESSE. Oh! parent de loin. LE MARQUIS. Or, de cet amour qu'elle a pour lui, je conclus qu'elle ne se soucie pas de moi. Je n'ai donc qu' faire semblant de vouloir l' pouser. Elle me refusera, et je ne lui devrai plus rien. Son refus me servira de quittance. LA COMTESSE. Oui-da,[65] vous pouvez le tenter. Ce n'est pas qu'il n'y ait du risque:[66] elle a du discernement, Marquis, Vous supposez qu'elle vous refusera; je n'en sais rien: vous n' tes pas homme d daigner. LE MARQUIS. Est-il vrai? LA COMTESSE. C'est mon sentiment. LE MARQUIS. Vous me flattez; vous encouragez ma franchise. LA COMTESSE. Je vous encourage! Eh! mais en tes-vous encore l ? Mettez-vous donc dans l'esprit que je ne demande qu' vous obliger, qu'il n'y a que l'impossible qui m'arr tera, et que vous devez compter sur tout ce qui d pendra de moi. Ne perdez point cela de vue, trange homme que vous tes, et achevez hardiment. Vous voulez des conseils, je vous en

mademoiselle

How many times the word 'mademoiselle' appears in the text?

Dorante: venez voir votre fille vous ob ir avec plus de joie qu'on n'en eut jamais. DORANTE. Qu'entends-je! vous, son p re, Monsieur? SILVIA. Oui, Dorante. La m me id e de nous conno tre nous est venue tous deux; apr s cela, je n'ai plus rien vous dire. Vous m'aimez, je n'en saurais douter; mais, votre tour, jugez de mes sentiments pour vous; jugez du cas que j'ai fait de votre coeur par la d licatesse avec laquelle j'ai t ch de l'acqu rir. M. ORGON. Connoissez-vous cette lettre-l ? Voil par o j'ai appris votre d guisement, qu'elle n'a pourtant su que par vous. DORANTE. Je ne saurais vous exprimer mon bonheur, Madame;[253] mais ce qui m'enchante le plus, ce sont les preuves que je vous ai donn es de ma tendresse. MARIO. Dorante me pardonne-t-il la col re o j'ai mis Bourguignon? DORANTE. Il ne vous la pardonne pas, il vous en remercie. ARLEQUIN. De la joie, Madame: vous avez perdu votre rang; mais vous n' tes point plaindre, puisqu'Arlequin vous reste. LISETTE. Belle consolation! il n'y a que toi qui gagne cela. ARLEQUIN. Je n'y perds pas. Avant notre reconnoissance, votre dot valoit mieux que vous; pr sent, vous valez mieux que votre dot. Allons, saute, marquis![254] * * * * * LE LEGS COM DIE EN UN ACTE, EN PROSE ACTEURS. LA COMTESSE. LE MARQUIS. HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. LISETTE,[1] suivante de la Comtesse. L PINE,[2] valet de chambre du Marquis. SC NE PREMI RE. LE CHEVALIER, HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. La d marche que vous allez faire aupr s du Marquis m'alarme. HORTENSE. Je ne risque rien, vous dis-je. Raisonnons. D funt son parent et le mien lui laisse six cent mille francs, la charge, il est vrai, de m' pouser ou de m'en donner deux cent mille: cela est son choix; mais le Marquis ne sent rien pour moi. Je suis s re qu'il a de l'inclination pour la Comtesse; d'ailleurs, il est d j assez riche par lui-m me: voil encore une succession de six cent mille francs qui lui vient, laquelle il ne s'attendoit pas; et vous croyez que, plut t que d'en distraire deux cent mille, il aimera mieux m' pouser, moi qui lui suis indiff rente, pendant qu'il a de l'amour pour la Comtesse, qui peut- tre ne le hait pas, et qui a plus de bien que moi? Il n'y a pas d'apparence. LE CHEVALIER. Mais quoi jugez-vous que la Comtesse ne le hait pas? HORTENSE. A mille petites remarques que je fais tous les jours, et je n'en suis pas surprise. Du caract re dont elle est, celui du Marquis doit tre de son go t. La Comtesse est une femme brusque, qui aime primer, gouverner, tre la ma tresse. Le Marquis est un homme doux, paisible, ais conduire; et voil ce qu'il faut la Comtesse. Aussi ne parle-t-elle de lui qu'avec loge. Son air de na vet lui pla t: c'est, dit-elle, le meilleur homme, le plus complaisant, le plus sociable. D'ailleurs, le Marquis est d'un ge qui lui convient; elle n'est plus de cette grande jeunesse:[3] il a trente-cinq ou quarante ans, et je vois bien qu'elle seroit charm e de vivre avec lui. LE CHEVALIER. J'ai peur que l' v nement[4] ne vous trompe. Ce n'est pas un petit objet que deux cent mille francs qu'il faudra qu'on vous donne si l'on ne vous pouse pas; et puis, quand le Marquis et la Comtesse s'aimeroient, de l'humeur dont ils sont tous deux, ils auront bien de la peine se le dire. HORTENSE. Oh! moyennant[5] l'embarras o je vais jeter le Marquis, il faudra bien qu'il parle; et je veux savoir quoi m'en tenir. Depuis le temps que nous sommes cette campagne,[6] chez la Comtesse, il ne me dit rien. Il y a six semaines qu'il se tait; je veux qu'il s'explique. Je ne perdrai pas le legs qui me revient si je n' pouse point le Marquis. LE CHEVALIER. Mais s'il accepte votre main? HORTENSE. Eh! non! vous dis-je. Laissez-moi faire. Je crois qu'il esp re que ce sera moi qui le refuserai. Peut- tre m me feindra-t-il de consentir notre union; mais que cela ne vous pouvante pas. Vous n' tes point assez riche pour m' pouser avec deux cent mille francs de moins: je suis bien aise de vous les apporter en mariage. Je suis persuad e que la Comtesse et le Marquis ne se ha ssent pas. Voyons ce que me diront l -dessus L pine et Lisette, qui vont venir me parler. L'un, est un Gascon froid,[7] mais adroit; Lisette a de l'esprit. Je sais qu'ils ont tous deux la confiance de leurs ma tres; je les int resserai m'instruire, et tout ira bien. Les voil qui viennent. Retirez-vous. SC NE II. LISETTE, L PINE, HORTENSE. HORTENSE. Venez, Lisette; approchez. LISETTE. Que souhaitez-vous de nous, Madame? HORTENSE. Rien que vous ne puissiez me dire sans blesser la fid lit que vous devez, vous au Marquis, et vous la Comtesse. LISETTE. Tant mieux, Madame. L PINE. Ce d but encourage. Nos services vous sont acquis. HORTENSE, _tire quelque argent de sa poche._ Tenez, Lisette, tout service m rite r compense. LISETTE, _refusant d'abord._ Du moins, Madame, faudroit-il savoir auparavant de quoi il s'agit. HORTENSE. Prenez; je vous le donne, quoi qu'il arrive. Voil pour vous, monsieur de L pine.[8] L PINE. Madame, je serois volontiers de l'avis de Mademoiselle; mais je prends. Le respect d fend que je raisonne. HORTENSE. Je ne pr tends vous engager en rien, et voici de quoi il est question. Le Marquis, votre ma tre, vous estime, L pine? L PINE, _froidement._ Extr mement, Madame; il me conno t. HORTENSE. Je remarque qu'il vous confie ais ment ce qu'il pense. L PINE. Oui. Madame, de toutes ses pens es incontinent[9] j'en ai copie; il n'en sait pas le compte mieux que moi. HORTENSE. Vous, Lisette, vous tes sur le m me ton[10] avec la Comtesse? LISETTE. J'ai cet honneur-l , Madame. HORTENSE. Dites-moi, L pine, je me figure que le Marquis aime la Comtesse. Me tromp -je? Il n'y a point d'inconv nient me dire ce qui en est. L PINE. Je n'affirme rien; mais patience: nous devons ce soir nous entretenir l -dessus. HORTENSE. Eh! soup onnez-vous qu'il l'aime? L PINE. De soup ons,[11] j'en ai de violents. Je m'en claircirai tant t. HORTENSE. Et vous, Lisette, quel est votre sentiment sur la Comtesse? LISETTE. Qu'elle ne songe point du tout au Marquis, Madame. L PINE. Je diff re avec vous de pens e.[12] HORTENSE. Je crois aussi qu'ils s'aiment. Et supposons que je ne me trompe pas: du caract re dont ils sont, ils auront de la peine s'en parler. Vous, L pine, voudriez-vous exciter le Marquis le d clarer la Comtesse? Et vous, Lisette, disposer la Comtesse se l'entendre dire? Ce sera une industrie fort innocente. L PINE. Et m me louable. LISETTE, _rendant l'argent._ Madame, permettez que je vous rende votre argent. HORTENSE, Gardez. D'o vient?[13] LISETTE. C'est qu'il me semble que voil , pr cis ment le service que vous exigez de moi, et c'est pr cis ment celui que je ne puis vous rendre. Ma ma tresse est veuve, elle est tranquille; son tat est heureux; ce seroit dommage de l'en tirer: je prie le Ciel qu'elle y reste. L PINE, _froidement._ Quant moi, je garde mon lot: rien ne m'oblige restitution. J'ai la volont de vous tre utile. Monsieur le Marquis vit dans le c libat; mais le mariage, il est bon, tr s bon; il a ses peines: chaque tat a les siennes; quelquefois le mien me p se. Le tout est gal.[14] Oui, je vous servirai, Madame, je vous servirai; je n'y vois point de mal. On s' pouse de tout temps, on s' pousera toujours; on n'a que cette honn te ressource quand on aime. HORTENSE. Vous me surprenez, Lisette, d'autant plus que je m'imaginois que vous pouviez vous aimer tous deux. LISETTE. C'est de quoi il n'est pas question de ma part. L PINE. De la mienne, j'en suis demeur l'estime. N anmoins, Mademoiselle est aimable; mais j'ai pass mon chemin sans y prendre garde. LISETTE. J'esp re que vous penserez toujours de m me. HORTENSE. Voil ce que j'avois vous dire. Adieu, Lisette; vous ferez ce qu'il vous plaira. Je ne vous demande que le secret. J'accepte vos services, L pine. SC NE III. L PINE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Nous n'avons rien nous dire, mons[15] de L pine. J'ai affaire, et je vous laisse. L PINE. Doucement, Mademoiselle; retardez d'un moment. Je trouve propos de vous informer d'un petit accident qui m'arrive. LISETTE. Voyons. L PINE. D'homme d'honneur,[16] je n'avois pas envisag vos gr ces; je ne connoissois pas votre mine. LISETTE. Qu'importe? Je vous en offre autant:[17] c'est tout au plus si je connois actuellement la v tre.[18] L PINE. Cette dame se figuroit que nous nous aimions. LISETTE. Eh bien! elle se figuroit mal. L PINE. Attendez, voici l'accident: son discours a fait que mes yeux se sont arr t s dessus[19] vous plus attentivement que de coutume. LISETTE. Vos yeux ont pris bien de la peine. L PINE. Et vous tes jolie, sandis![20] oh! tr s jolie! LISETTE. Ma foi, monsieur de L pine, vous tes tr s galant, oh! tr s galant. Mais l'ennui me prend d s qu'on me loue. Abr geons; est-ce l tout? L PINE. A mon exemple, envisagez-moi, je vous prie; faites-en l' preuve. LISETTE. Oui-da![21] Tenez, je vous regarde. L PINE. Eh donc! Est-ce l ce L pine que vous connoissiez? N'y voyez-vous rien[22] de nouveau? Que vous dit le coeur? LISETTE. Pas le mot; il n'y a rien l pour lui. L PINE. Quelquefois pourtant nombre de gens ont estim que j' tois un gar on assez revenant;[23] mais nous y retournerons: c'est partie remettre. coutez le restant. Il est certain que mon ma tre distingue[24] tendrement votre ma tresse. Aujourd'hui m me il m'a confi qu'il m ditoit de vous communiquer ses sentiments. LISETTE. Comme il lui plaira. La r ponse que j'aurai l'honneur de lui communiquer sera courte. L PINE. Remarquons d'abondance[25] que la Comtesse se pla t avec mon ma tre, qu'elle a l' me joyeuse en le voyant. Vous me direz que nos gens[26] sont d' tranges personnes, et je vous l'accorde. Le Marquis, homme tout simple, peu hasardeux dans le discours, n'osera jamais aventurer la d claration, et, des d clarations, la Comtesse les pouvante:[27] femme qui n glige les compliments, qui vous parle entre l'aigre et le doux, et dont l'entretien a je ne sais quoi de sec, de froid, de purement raisonnable. Le moyen que l'amour puisse tre mis en avant avec cette femme! Il ne sera jamais propos de lui dire: Je vous aime, moins qu'on ne lui dise[28] propos de rien. Cette mati re, avec elle, ne peut tomber que des nues. On dit qu'elle traite l'amour de bagatelle d'enfant; moi, je pr tends qu'elle a pris go t cette enfance.[29] Dans cette conjoncture, j'opine que nous encouragions ces deux personnages. Qu'en sera-t-il?[30] Qu'ils s'aimeront bonnement, en toute simplesse,[31] et qu'ils s' pouseront de m me. Qu'en sera-t-il? Qu'en me voyant votre camarade, vous me rendrez votre mari par la douce habitude de me voir. Eh donc! Parlez: tes-vous d'accord? LISETTE. Non. L PINE. Mademoiselle, est-ce mon amour qui vous d pla t? LISETTE. Oui. L PINE. En peu de mots vous dites beaucoup. Mais consid rez l'occurrence:[32] je vous pr dis que nos ma tres se marieront: que la commodit vous tente.[33] LISETTE. Je vous pr dis qu'ils ne se marieront point: je ne veux pas, moi. Ma ma tresse, comme vous dites fort habilement, tient l'amour au-dessous d'elle, et j'aurai soin de l'entretenir dans cette humeur, attendu qu'il n'est pas de mon petit int r t qu'elle se marie. Ma condition n'en seroit pas si bonne, entendez-vous? Il n'y a pas d'apparence que la Comtesse y gagne, et moi j'y perdrais beaucoup. J'ai fait un petit calcul l -dessus, au moyen duquel je trouve que tous vos arrangements me d rangent et ne me valent rien.[34] Ainsi, quelque jolie que je sois, continuez de n'en rien voir; laissez-la la d couverte que vous avez faite de mes gr ces, et passez toujours sans y prendre garde. L PINE, _froidement._ Je les ai vues, Mademoiselle; j'en suis frapp , et n'ai de rem de que votre coeur. LISETTE. Tenez-vous donc pour incurable. L PINE. Me donnez-vous votre dernier mot? LISETTE. Je n'y changerai pas une syllabe. (_Elle veut s'en aller._) L PINE, _l'arr tant_. Permettez que je reparte.[35] Vous calculez, moi de m me. Selon vous, il ne faut pas que nos gens se marient; il faut qu'ils s' pousent, selon moi: je le pr tends. LISETTE. Mauvaise gasconnade! L PINE. Patience. Je vous aime, et vous me refusez le r ciproque? Je calcule qu'il me fait besoin,[36] et je l'aurai, sandis![37] Je le pr tends. LISETTE. Vous ne l'aurez pas, sandis! L PINE. J'ai tout dit. Laissez parler mon ma tre, qui nous arrive. SC NE IV. LE MARQUIS, L PINE, LISETTE. LE MARQUIS. Ah! vous voici, Lisette! Je suis bien aise de vous trouver. LISETTE. Je vous suis oblig e, Monsieur; mais je m'en allois. LE MARQUIS. Vous vous en alliez? J'avois pourtant quelque chose vous dire. tes-vous un peu de nos amis? L PINE. Petitement. LISETTE. J'ai beaucoup d'estime et de respect pour monsieur le Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Tout de bon? Vous me faites plaisir, Lisette. Je fais beaucoup de cas de vous aussi; vous me paroissez une tr s bonne fille, et vous tes une ma tresse qui a bien du m rite. LISETTE. Il y a longtemps que je le sais, Monsieur. LE MARQUIS. Ne vous parle-t-elle jamais de moi? Que vous en dit-elle? LISETTE. Oh! rien. LE MARQUIS. C'est que, entre nous, il n'y a point de femme que j'aime tant qu'elle. LISETTE. Qu'appelez-vous aimer, monsieur le Marquis? Est-ce de l'amour que vous entendez? LE MARQUIS. Eh! mais oui, de l'amour, de l'inclination, comme tu voudras: le nom n'y fait rien. Je l'aime mieux qu'une autre.[38] Voil tout. LISETTE. Cela se peut. LE MARQUIS. Mais elle n'en sait rien; je n'ai pas os le lui apprendre. Je n'ai pas trop le talent de parler d'amour. LISETTE. C'est ce qui me semble. LE MARQUIS. Oui, cela m'embarrasse; et, comme ta ma tresse est une femme fort raisonnable, j'ai peur qu'elle ne se moque de moi, et je ne saurois plus que lui dire: de sorte que j'ai r v qu'il seroit bon que tu la pr vinsses en ma faveur. LISETTE. Je vous demande pardon, Monsieur; mais il falloit r ver tout le contraire. Je ne puis rien pour vous, en v rit . LE MARQUIS. Eh! d'o vient?[39] Je t'aurai grande obligation. Je payerai bien tes peines. (_Montrant L pine._) Et, si ce gar on-l te convenoit, je vous ferois un fort bon parti[40] tous les deux. L PINE, _froidement, et sans regarder Lisette_. Derechef,[41] recueillez-vous l -dessus, Mademoiselle. LISETTE. Il n'y a pas moyen, monsieur le Marquis. Si je parlois de vos sentiments ma ma tresse, vous avez beau dire que le nom n'y fait rien, je me brouillerais[42] avec elle; je vous y brouillerais vous-m me. Ne la connoissez-vous pas? LE MARQUIS. Tu crois donc qu'il n'y a rien faire? LISETTE. Absolument rien. LE MARQUIS. Tant pis. Cela me chagrine. Elle me fait tant d'amiti ,[43] cette femme! Allons, il ne faut donc plus y penser. L PINE, _froidement_. Monsieur, ne vous d confortez[44] pas. Du r cit de Mademoiselle, n'en tenez compte;[45] elle vous triche. Retirons-nous. Venez me consulter l' cart; je serai plus consolant. Partons. LE MARQUIS. Viens. Voyons ce que tu as me dire. Adieu, Lisette. Ne me nuis pas, voil tout ce que j'exige. SC NE V. L PINE, LISETTE. L PINE. N'exigez rien: ne g nons point Mademoiselle. Soyons galamment ennemis d clar s; faisons-nous du mal en toute franchise. Adieu, gentille personne. Je vous ch ris ni plus ni moins: gardez-moi votre coeur: c'est un d p t que je vous laisse. LISETTE. Adieu, mon pauvre L pine. Vous tes peut- tre de tous les fous de la Garonne[46] le plus effront , mais aussi le plus divertissant. SC NE VI. LA COMTESSE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Voici ma ma tresse. De l'humeur dont elle est, je crois que cet amour-ci ne la divertira gu re. Gare[47] que le Marquis ne soit bient t cong di ! LA COMTESSE, _tenant une lettre_. Tenez, Lisette, dites qu'on porte cette lettre la poste. En voil dix que j' cris depuis trois semaines. La sotte chose qu'un proc s! Que j'en suis lasse! Je ne m' tonne pas s'il y a tant de femmes qui se marient! LISETTE, _riant_. Bon! votre proc s! une affaire de mille francs! Voil quelque chose de bien consid rable pour vous! Avez-vous envie de vous remarier? J'ai votre affaire. LA COMTESSE. Qu'est-ce que c'est qu'envie de me remarier? Pourquoi me dites-vous cela? LISETTE. Ne vous f chez pas; je ne veux que vous divertir. LA COMTESSE. Ce pourrait tre quelqu'un de Paris qui vous auroit fait une confidence. En tout cas, ne me le nommez pas. LISETTE. Oh! il faut pourtant que vous connoissiez celui dont je parle. LA COMTESSE. Brisons l -dessus. Je r ve une chose: le Marquis n'a ici qu'un valet de chambre, dont il a peut- tre besoin, et je voulois lui demander s'il n'a pas quelque paquet mettre la poste: on le porteroit avec le mien. O est-il, le Marquis? L'as-tu vu ce matin? LISETTE. Oh! oui. Malepeste![48] il a ses raisons pour tre veill de bonne heure! Revenons au mari que j'ai vous donner, celui qui br le pour vous et que vous avez enflamm de passion... LA COMTESSE. Qui est ce ben t-l ? LISETTE. Vous le devinez. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui br le est un sot. Je ne veux rien savoir de Paris. LISETTE. Ce n'est point de Paris: votre conqu te est dans le ch teau. Vous l'appellez ben t; moi, je vais le flatter: c'est un soupirant qui a l'air fort simple, un air de bon homme. Y tes-vous? LA COMTESSE. Nullement. Qui est-ce qui ressemble celui-ci? LISETTE. Eh! le Marquis. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui est avec nous? LISETTE. Lui-m me. LA COMTESSE. Je n'avois garde d'y tre.[49] O as-tu pris son air simple et de bon homme? Dis donc un air franc et ouvert, la bonne heure: il sera reconnoissable. LISETTE. Ma foi, Madame, je vous le rends comme je le vois. LA COMTESSE. Tu le vois tr s mal, on ne peut pas plus mal: en mille ans on ne le devineroit pas ce portrait-l . Mais de qui tiens-tu ce que tu me contes de son amour? LISETTE. De lui, qui me l'a dit; rien que cela. N'en riez-vous pas? Ne faites pas semblant de le savoir. Au reste, il n'y a qu' vous en d faire tout doucement. LA COMTESSE. H las! je ne lui en veux point de mal.[50] C'est un fort honn te homme, un homme dont je fais cas, qui a d'excellentes qualit s; et j'aime encore mieux que ce soit lui qu'un autre. Mais ne te trompes-tu pas aussi? Il ne t'aura peut- tre parl que d'estime: il en a beaucoup pour moi, beaucoup; il me l'a marqu e en mille occasions d'une mani re fort obligeante. LISETTE. Non, Madame, c'est de l'amour qui regarde vos appas; il en a prononc le mot sans bredouiller comme l'ordinaire. C'est de la flamme... Il languit, il soupire. LA COMTESSE. Est-il possible? Sur ce pied-l , je le plains, car ce n'est pas un tourdi: il faut qu'il le sente, puisqu'il le dit; et ce n'est pas de ces gens-l dont[51] je me moque: jamais leur amour n'est ridicule. Mais il n'osera m'en parler, n'est-ce pas? LISETTE. Oh! ne craignez rien! j'y ai mis bon ordre:[52] il ne s'y jouera pas.[53] Je lui ai t toute esp rance. N'ai-je pas bien fait? LA COMTESSE. Mais oui, sans doute, oui, pourvu que vous ne l'ayez pas brusqu , pourtant. Il falloit y prendre garde: c'est un ami que je veux conserver. Et vous avez quelquefois le ton dur et rev che, Lisette; il valoit mieux le laisser dire. LISETTE. Point du tout. Il vouloit que je vous parlasse en sa faveur. LA COMTESSE. Ce pauvre homme! LISETTE. Et je lui ai r pondu que je ne pouvois pas m'en m ler, que je me brouillerais avec vous si je vous en parlois, que vous me donneriez mon cong , que vous lui donneriez le sien. LA COMTESSE. Le sien. Quelle grossi ret ! Ah! que c'est mal parler! Son cong ? Et m me est-ce que je vous aurois donn le v tre? Vous savez bien que non. D'o vient[54] mentir, Lisette? C'est un ennemi que vous m'allez faire d'un des hommes du monde que je consid re le plus et qui le m rite le mieux. Quel sot langage de domestique! Eh! il toit si simple de vous tenir[55] lui dire: Monsieur, je ne saurois; ce ne sont pas l mes affaires. Parlez-en vous-m me. Et je voudrais qu'il os t m'en parler, pour racommoder un peu votre malhonn tet . Son cong ! son cong ! Il va se croire insult . LISETTE. Eh non, Madame; il toit impossible de vous en d barrasser moins de frais. Faut-il que vous l'aimiez, de peur de le f cher? Voulez-vous tre sa femme par politesse, lui qui doit pouser Hortense? Je ne lui ai rien dit de trop; et vous en voil quitte. Mais je l'aper ois qui vient en r vant. vitez-le, vous avez le temps. LA COMTESSE. L' viter, lui qui me voit! Ah! je m'en garderai bien. Apr s les discours que vous lui avez tenus, il croirait que je les ai dict s. Non, non, je ne changerai rien ma fa on de vivre avec lui. Allez porter ma lettre. LISETTE, _ part_. Hum! il y a ici quelque chose. (_Haut_.) Madame, je suis d'avis de rester aupr s de vous. Cela m'arrive souvent, et vous en serez plus l'abri d'une d claration. LA COMTESSE. Belle finesse! Quand je lui chapperois aujourd'hui, ne me trouvera-t-il pas demain? Il faudrait donc vous avoir toujours mes c t s? Non, non. Partez. S'il me parle, je sais r pondre. LISETTE. Je suis vous dans l'instant; je n'ai qu' donner cette lettre un laquais. LA COMTESSE. Non, Lisette: c'est une lettre de cons quence, et vous me ferez plaisir de la porter vous-m me, parce que, si le courier est pass , vous me la rapporterez, et je l'enverrai par une autre voie. Je ne me fie point aux valets: ils ne sont point exacts. LISETTE. Le courrier ne passe que dans deux heures, Madame. LA COMTESSE. Eh! allez, vous dis-je. Que sait-on? LISETTE, _ part_. Quel pr texte! (_Haut_.) Cette femme-l ne va pas droit avec moi. SC NE VII. LA COMTESSE, _seule_. Elle avoit la fureur de rester. Les domestiques sont ha ssables; il n'y a pas jusqu' leur z le qui ne vous d soblige. C'est toujours de travers qu'ils vous servent. SC NE VIII. LA COMTESSE, L PINE. L PINE. Madame, monsieur le Marquis vous a vue[56] de loin avec Lisette. Il demande s'il n'y a point de mal qu'il approche; il a le d sir de vous consulter, mais il se fait le scrupule[57] de vous tre importun. LA COMTESSE. Lui importun! Il ne sauroit l' tre. Dites-lui que je l'attends, L pine; qu'il vienne. L PINE. Je vais le r jouir de la nouvelle. Vous l'allez voir dans la minute. SC NE IX. L PINE, LE MARQUIS. L PINE, _appelant le Marquis_. Monsieur, venez prendre audience. Madame l'accorde. (_Quand le Marquis est venu, il lui dit part:_) Courage, Monsieur! l'accueil est gracieux, presque tendre: c'est un coeur qui demande qu'on le prenne. SC NE X. LA COMTESSE, LE MARQUIS. LA COMTESSE. Eh! d'o vient donc la c r monie que vous faites, Marquis?... Vous n'y songez pas.[58] LE MARQUIS. Madame, vous avez bien de la bont ... C'est que j'ai bien des choses vous dire. LA COMTESSE. Effectivement, vous me paroissez r veur, inquiet. LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai l'esprit en peine. J'ai besoin de conseil, j'ai besoin de gr ces, et le tout de votre part. LA COMTESSE. Tant mieux. Vous avez encore moins besoin de tout cela que je n'ai d'envie de vous tre bonne quelque chose. LE MARQUIS. O bonne! Il ne tient qu' vous de m' tre excellente, si vous voulez. LA COMTESSE. Comment, si je veux? Manquez-vous de confiance? Ah! je vous prie, ne me m nagez point. Vous pouvez tout sur moi, Marquis; je suis bien aise de vous le dire. LE MARQUIS. Cette assurance m'est bien agr able, et je serois tent d'en abuser. LA COMTESSE. J'ai grand'peur que vous ne r sistiez la tentation. Vous ne comptez pas assez sur vos amis, car vous tes si r serv , si retenu... LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai beaucoup de timidit . LA COMTESSE. Je fais de mon mieux pour vous l' ter, comme vous voyez. LE MARQUIS. Vous savez dans quelle situation je suis avec Hortense; que je dois l' pouser ou lui donner deux cent mille francs. LA COMTESSE. Oui, et je me suis aper ue que vous n'aviez pas grand go t pour elle. LE MARQUIS. Oh! on ne peut pas moins.[59] Je ne l'aime point du tout. LA COMTESSE. Je n'en suis pas surprise: son caract re est si diff rent du v tre! Elle a quelque chose de trop arrang [60] pour vous. LE MARQUIS. Vous y tes. Elle songe trop ses gr ces. Il faudroit toujours l'entretenir de compliments, et moi, ce n'est pas l mon fort. La coquetterie me g ne, elle me rend muet. LA COMTESSE. Ah! ah! je conviens qu'elle en a un peu; mais presque toutes les femmes sont de m me. Vous ne trouverez que cela partout, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Hors chez vous. Quelle diff rence, par exemple! Vous plaisez sans y penser. Ce n'est pas votre faute: vous ne savez pas seulement que vous tes aimable; mais d'autres le savent pour vous. LA COMTESSE. Moi, Marquis, je pense qu' cet gard-l les autres songent aussi peu moi que j'y songe moi-m me. LE MARQUIS. Oh! j'en connois qui ne vous disent pas tout ce qu'ils songent. LA COMTESSE. Eh! qui sont-ils, Marquis? Quelques amis comme vous, sans doute. LE MARQUIS. Bon, des amis! Voil bien de quoi! Vous n'en aurez encore de longtemps.[61] LA COMTESSE. Je vous suis oblig e du petit compliment que vous me faites en passant. LE MARQUIS. Point du tout. Je ne passe jamais, moi; je dis toujours expr s. LA COMTESSE, _riant_. Comment! vous qui ne voulez pas que j'aie encore des amis, est-ce que vous n' tes pas le mien? LE MARQUIS. Vous m'excuserez; mais, quand je serois autre chose,[62] il n'y auroit rien de surprenant. LA COMTESSE. Eh bien! je ne laisserois pas que d'en tre surprise.[63] LE MARQUIS. Et encore plus f ch e. LA COMTESSE. En v rit , surprise. Je veux pourtant croire que je suis aimable, puisque vous le dites. LE MARQUIS. O charmante! Et je serois bien heureux si Hortense vous ressembloit. Je l' pouserois d'un grand coeur, et j'ai bien de la peine m'y r soudre. LA COMTESSE. Je le crois, et ce seroit encore pis si vous aviez de l'inclination pour une autre. LE MARQUIS. Eh bien! c'est que justement le pis s'y trouve. LA COMTESSE, _par exclamation_. Oui? Vous aimez ailleurs? LE MARQUIS. De toute mon me. LA COMTESSE, _en souriant_. Je m'en suis dout e, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Et vous tes-vous dout e de la personne? LA COMTESSE. Non, mais vous me la direz. LE MARQUIS. Vous me feriez grand plaisir de la deviner. LA COMTESSE. Eh! pourquoi m'en donneriez-vous la peine, puisque vous voil ? LE MARQUIS. C'est que vous ne connoissez qu'elle:[64] c'est la plus aimable femme, la plus franche. Vous parlez de gens sans fa on: il n'y a personne comme elle; plus je la vois, plus je l'admire. LA COMTESSE. pousez-la, Marquis, pousez-la, et laissez l Hortense. Il n'y a point h siter: vous n'avez point d'autre parti prendre. LE MARQUIS. Oui, mais je songe une chose... N'y auroit-il pas moyen de me sauver les deux cent mille francs? Je vous parle coeur ouvert. LA COMTESSE. Regardez-moi dans cette occasion-ci comme une autre vous-m me. LE MARQUIS. Ah! que c'est bien dit! une autre moi-m me! LA COMTESSE. Ce qui me pla t en vous, c'est votre franchise, qui est une qualit admirable. Revenons. Comment vous sauver ces deux cent mille francs? LE MARQUIS. C'est que Hortense aime le Chevalier. Mais, propos, c'est votre parent? LA COMTESSE. Oh! parent de loin. LE MARQUIS. Or, de cet amour qu'elle a pour lui, je conclus qu'elle ne se soucie pas de moi. Je n'ai donc qu' faire semblant de vouloir l' pouser. Elle me refusera, et je ne lui devrai plus rien. Son refus me servira de quittance. LA COMTESSE. Oui-da,[65] vous pouvez le tenter. Ce n'est pas qu'il n'y ait du risque:[66] elle a du discernement, Marquis, Vous supposez qu'elle vous refusera; je n'en sais rien: vous n' tes pas homme d daigner. LE MARQUIS. Est-il vrai? LA COMTESSE. C'est mon sentiment. LE MARQUIS. Vous me flattez; vous encouragez ma franchise. LA COMTESSE. Je vous encourage! Eh! mais en tes-vous encore l ? Mettez-vous donc dans l'esprit que je ne demande qu' vous obliger, qu'il n'y a que l'impossible qui m'arr tera, et que vous devez compter sur tout ce qui d pendra de moi. Ne perdez point cela de vue, trange homme que vous tes, et achevez hardiment. Vous voulez des conseils, je vous en

friend

How many times the word 'friend' appears in the text?

Dorante: venez voir votre fille vous ob ir avec plus de joie qu'on n'en eut jamais. DORANTE. Qu'entends-je! vous, son p re, Monsieur? SILVIA. Oui, Dorante. La m me id e de nous conno tre nous est venue tous deux; apr s cela, je n'ai plus rien vous dire. Vous m'aimez, je n'en saurais douter; mais, votre tour, jugez de mes sentiments pour vous; jugez du cas que j'ai fait de votre coeur par la d licatesse avec laquelle j'ai t ch de l'acqu rir. M. ORGON. Connoissez-vous cette lettre-l ? Voil par o j'ai appris votre d guisement, qu'elle n'a pourtant su que par vous. DORANTE. Je ne saurais vous exprimer mon bonheur, Madame;[253] mais ce qui m'enchante le plus, ce sont les preuves que je vous ai donn es de ma tendresse. MARIO. Dorante me pardonne-t-il la col re o j'ai mis Bourguignon? DORANTE. Il ne vous la pardonne pas, il vous en remercie. ARLEQUIN. De la joie, Madame: vous avez perdu votre rang; mais vous n' tes point plaindre, puisqu'Arlequin vous reste. LISETTE. Belle consolation! il n'y a que toi qui gagne cela. ARLEQUIN. Je n'y perds pas. Avant notre reconnoissance, votre dot valoit mieux que vous; pr sent, vous valez mieux que votre dot. Allons, saute, marquis![254] * * * * * LE LEGS COM DIE EN UN ACTE, EN PROSE ACTEURS. LA COMTESSE. LE MARQUIS. HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. LISETTE,[1] suivante de la Comtesse. L PINE,[2] valet de chambre du Marquis. SC NE PREMI RE. LE CHEVALIER, HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. La d marche que vous allez faire aupr s du Marquis m'alarme. HORTENSE. Je ne risque rien, vous dis-je. Raisonnons. D funt son parent et le mien lui laisse six cent mille francs, la charge, il est vrai, de m' pouser ou de m'en donner deux cent mille: cela est son choix; mais le Marquis ne sent rien pour moi. Je suis s re qu'il a de l'inclination pour la Comtesse; d'ailleurs, il est d j assez riche par lui-m me: voil encore une succession de six cent mille francs qui lui vient, laquelle il ne s'attendoit pas; et vous croyez que, plut t que d'en distraire deux cent mille, il aimera mieux m' pouser, moi qui lui suis indiff rente, pendant qu'il a de l'amour pour la Comtesse, qui peut- tre ne le hait pas, et qui a plus de bien que moi? Il n'y a pas d'apparence. LE CHEVALIER. Mais quoi jugez-vous que la Comtesse ne le hait pas? HORTENSE. A mille petites remarques que je fais tous les jours, et je n'en suis pas surprise. Du caract re dont elle est, celui du Marquis doit tre de son go t. La Comtesse est une femme brusque, qui aime primer, gouverner, tre la ma tresse. Le Marquis est un homme doux, paisible, ais conduire; et voil ce qu'il faut la Comtesse. Aussi ne parle-t-elle de lui qu'avec loge. Son air de na vet lui pla t: c'est, dit-elle, le meilleur homme, le plus complaisant, le plus sociable. D'ailleurs, le Marquis est d'un ge qui lui convient; elle n'est plus de cette grande jeunesse:[3] il a trente-cinq ou quarante ans, et je vois bien qu'elle seroit charm e de vivre avec lui. LE CHEVALIER. J'ai peur que l' v nement[4] ne vous trompe. Ce n'est pas un petit objet que deux cent mille francs qu'il faudra qu'on vous donne si l'on ne vous pouse pas; et puis, quand le Marquis et la Comtesse s'aimeroient, de l'humeur dont ils sont tous deux, ils auront bien de la peine se le dire. HORTENSE. Oh! moyennant[5] l'embarras o je vais jeter le Marquis, il faudra bien qu'il parle; et je veux savoir quoi m'en tenir. Depuis le temps que nous sommes cette campagne,[6] chez la Comtesse, il ne me dit rien. Il y a six semaines qu'il se tait; je veux qu'il s'explique. Je ne perdrai pas le legs qui me revient si je n' pouse point le Marquis. LE CHEVALIER. Mais s'il accepte votre main? HORTENSE. Eh! non! vous dis-je. Laissez-moi faire. Je crois qu'il esp re que ce sera moi qui le refuserai. Peut- tre m me feindra-t-il de consentir notre union; mais que cela ne vous pouvante pas. Vous n' tes point assez riche pour m' pouser avec deux cent mille francs de moins: je suis bien aise de vous les apporter en mariage. Je suis persuad e que la Comtesse et le Marquis ne se ha ssent pas. Voyons ce que me diront l -dessus L pine et Lisette, qui vont venir me parler. L'un, est un Gascon froid,[7] mais adroit; Lisette a de l'esprit. Je sais qu'ils ont tous deux la confiance de leurs ma tres; je les int resserai m'instruire, et tout ira bien. Les voil qui viennent. Retirez-vous. SC NE II. LISETTE, L PINE, HORTENSE. HORTENSE. Venez, Lisette; approchez. LISETTE. Que souhaitez-vous de nous, Madame? HORTENSE. Rien que vous ne puissiez me dire sans blesser la fid lit que vous devez, vous au Marquis, et vous la Comtesse. LISETTE. Tant mieux, Madame. L PINE. Ce d but encourage. Nos services vous sont acquis. HORTENSE, _tire quelque argent de sa poche._ Tenez, Lisette, tout service m rite r compense. LISETTE, _refusant d'abord._ Du moins, Madame, faudroit-il savoir auparavant de quoi il s'agit. HORTENSE. Prenez; je vous le donne, quoi qu'il arrive. Voil pour vous, monsieur de L pine.[8] L PINE. Madame, je serois volontiers de l'avis de Mademoiselle; mais je prends. Le respect d fend que je raisonne. HORTENSE. Je ne pr tends vous engager en rien, et voici de quoi il est question. Le Marquis, votre ma tre, vous estime, L pine? L PINE, _froidement._ Extr mement, Madame; il me conno t. HORTENSE. Je remarque qu'il vous confie ais ment ce qu'il pense. L PINE. Oui. Madame, de toutes ses pens es incontinent[9] j'en ai copie; il n'en sait pas le compte mieux que moi. HORTENSE. Vous, Lisette, vous tes sur le m me ton[10] avec la Comtesse? LISETTE. J'ai cet honneur-l , Madame. HORTENSE. Dites-moi, L pine, je me figure que le Marquis aime la Comtesse. Me tromp -je? Il n'y a point d'inconv nient me dire ce qui en est. L PINE. Je n'affirme rien; mais patience: nous devons ce soir nous entretenir l -dessus. HORTENSE. Eh! soup onnez-vous qu'il l'aime? L PINE. De soup ons,[11] j'en ai de violents. Je m'en claircirai tant t. HORTENSE. Et vous, Lisette, quel est votre sentiment sur la Comtesse? LISETTE. Qu'elle ne songe point du tout au Marquis, Madame. L PINE. Je diff re avec vous de pens e.[12] HORTENSE. Je crois aussi qu'ils s'aiment. Et supposons que je ne me trompe pas: du caract re dont ils sont, ils auront de la peine s'en parler. Vous, L pine, voudriez-vous exciter le Marquis le d clarer la Comtesse? Et vous, Lisette, disposer la Comtesse se l'entendre dire? Ce sera une industrie fort innocente. L PINE. Et m me louable. LISETTE, _rendant l'argent._ Madame, permettez que je vous rende votre argent. HORTENSE, Gardez. D'o vient?[13] LISETTE. C'est qu'il me semble que voil , pr cis ment le service que vous exigez de moi, et c'est pr cis ment celui que je ne puis vous rendre. Ma ma tresse est veuve, elle est tranquille; son tat est heureux; ce seroit dommage de l'en tirer: je prie le Ciel qu'elle y reste. L PINE, _froidement._ Quant moi, je garde mon lot: rien ne m'oblige restitution. J'ai la volont de vous tre utile. Monsieur le Marquis vit dans le c libat; mais le mariage, il est bon, tr s bon; il a ses peines: chaque tat a les siennes; quelquefois le mien me p se. Le tout est gal.[14] Oui, je vous servirai, Madame, je vous servirai; je n'y vois point de mal. On s' pouse de tout temps, on s' pousera toujours; on n'a que cette honn te ressource quand on aime. HORTENSE. Vous me surprenez, Lisette, d'autant plus que je m'imaginois que vous pouviez vous aimer tous deux. LISETTE. C'est de quoi il n'est pas question de ma part. L PINE. De la mienne, j'en suis demeur l'estime. N anmoins, Mademoiselle est aimable; mais j'ai pass mon chemin sans y prendre garde. LISETTE. J'esp re que vous penserez toujours de m me. HORTENSE. Voil ce que j'avois vous dire. Adieu, Lisette; vous ferez ce qu'il vous plaira. Je ne vous demande que le secret. J'accepte vos services, L pine. SC NE III. L PINE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Nous n'avons rien nous dire, mons[15] de L pine. J'ai affaire, et je vous laisse. L PINE. Doucement, Mademoiselle; retardez d'un moment. Je trouve propos de vous informer d'un petit accident qui m'arrive. LISETTE. Voyons. L PINE. D'homme d'honneur,[16] je n'avois pas envisag vos gr ces; je ne connoissois pas votre mine. LISETTE. Qu'importe? Je vous en offre autant:[17] c'est tout au plus si je connois actuellement la v tre.[18] L PINE. Cette dame se figuroit que nous nous aimions. LISETTE. Eh bien! elle se figuroit mal. L PINE. Attendez, voici l'accident: son discours a fait que mes yeux se sont arr t s dessus[19] vous plus attentivement que de coutume. LISETTE. Vos yeux ont pris bien de la peine. L PINE. Et vous tes jolie, sandis![20] oh! tr s jolie! LISETTE. Ma foi, monsieur de L pine, vous tes tr s galant, oh! tr s galant. Mais l'ennui me prend d s qu'on me loue. Abr geons; est-ce l tout? L PINE. A mon exemple, envisagez-moi, je vous prie; faites-en l' preuve. LISETTE. Oui-da![21] Tenez, je vous regarde. L PINE. Eh donc! Est-ce l ce L pine que vous connoissiez? N'y voyez-vous rien[22] de nouveau? Que vous dit le coeur? LISETTE. Pas le mot; il n'y a rien l pour lui. L PINE. Quelquefois pourtant nombre de gens ont estim que j' tois un gar on assez revenant;[23] mais nous y retournerons: c'est partie remettre. coutez le restant. Il est certain que mon ma tre distingue[24] tendrement votre ma tresse. Aujourd'hui m me il m'a confi qu'il m ditoit de vous communiquer ses sentiments. LISETTE. Comme il lui plaira. La r ponse que j'aurai l'honneur de lui communiquer sera courte. L PINE. Remarquons d'abondance[25] que la Comtesse se pla t avec mon ma tre, qu'elle a l' me joyeuse en le voyant. Vous me direz que nos gens[26] sont d' tranges personnes, et je vous l'accorde. Le Marquis, homme tout simple, peu hasardeux dans le discours, n'osera jamais aventurer la d claration, et, des d clarations, la Comtesse les pouvante:[27] femme qui n glige les compliments, qui vous parle entre l'aigre et le doux, et dont l'entretien a je ne sais quoi de sec, de froid, de purement raisonnable. Le moyen que l'amour puisse tre mis en avant avec cette femme! Il ne sera jamais propos de lui dire: Je vous aime, moins qu'on ne lui dise[28] propos de rien. Cette mati re, avec elle, ne peut tomber que des nues. On dit qu'elle traite l'amour de bagatelle d'enfant; moi, je pr tends qu'elle a pris go t cette enfance.[29] Dans cette conjoncture, j'opine que nous encouragions ces deux personnages. Qu'en sera-t-il?[30] Qu'ils s'aimeront bonnement, en toute simplesse,[31] et qu'ils s' pouseront de m me. Qu'en sera-t-il? Qu'en me voyant votre camarade, vous me rendrez votre mari par la douce habitude de me voir. Eh donc! Parlez: tes-vous d'accord? LISETTE. Non. L PINE. Mademoiselle, est-ce mon amour qui vous d pla t? LISETTE. Oui. L PINE. En peu de mots vous dites beaucoup. Mais consid rez l'occurrence:[32] je vous pr dis que nos ma tres se marieront: que la commodit vous tente.[33] LISETTE. Je vous pr dis qu'ils ne se marieront point: je ne veux pas, moi. Ma ma tresse, comme vous dites fort habilement, tient l'amour au-dessous d'elle, et j'aurai soin de l'entretenir dans cette humeur, attendu qu'il n'est pas de mon petit int r t qu'elle se marie. Ma condition n'en seroit pas si bonne, entendez-vous? Il n'y a pas d'apparence que la Comtesse y gagne, et moi j'y perdrais beaucoup. J'ai fait un petit calcul l -dessus, au moyen duquel je trouve que tous vos arrangements me d rangent et ne me valent rien.[34] Ainsi, quelque jolie que je sois, continuez de n'en rien voir; laissez-la la d couverte que vous avez faite de mes gr ces, et passez toujours sans y prendre garde. L PINE, _froidement._ Je les ai vues, Mademoiselle; j'en suis frapp , et n'ai de rem de que votre coeur. LISETTE. Tenez-vous donc pour incurable. L PINE. Me donnez-vous votre dernier mot? LISETTE. Je n'y changerai pas une syllabe. (_Elle veut s'en aller._) L PINE, _l'arr tant_. Permettez que je reparte.[35] Vous calculez, moi de m me. Selon vous, il ne faut pas que nos gens se marient; il faut qu'ils s' pousent, selon moi: je le pr tends. LISETTE. Mauvaise gasconnade! L PINE. Patience. Je vous aime, et vous me refusez le r ciproque? Je calcule qu'il me fait besoin,[36] et je l'aurai, sandis![37] Je le pr tends. LISETTE. Vous ne l'aurez pas, sandis! L PINE. J'ai tout dit. Laissez parler mon ma tre, qui nous arrive. SC NE IV. LE MARQUIS, L PINE, LISETTE. LE MARQUIS. Ah! vous voici, Lisette! Je suis bien aise de vous trouver. LISETTE. Je vous suis oblig e, Monsieur; mais je m'en allois. LE MARQUIS. Vous vous en alliez? J'avois pourtant quelque chose vous dire. tes-vous un peu de nos amis? L PINE. Petitement. LISETTE. J'ai beaucoup d'estime et de respect pour monsieur le Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Tout de bon? Vous me faites plaisir, Lisette. Je fais beaucoup de cas de vous aussi; vous me paroissez une tr s bonne fille, et vous tes une ma tresse qui a bien du m rite. LISETTE. Il y a longtemps que je le sais, Monsieur. LE MARQUIS. Ne vous parle-t-elle jamais de moi? Que vous en dit-elle? LISETTE. Oh! rien. LE MARQUIS. C'est que, entre nous, il n'y a point de femme que j'aime tant qu'elle. LISETTE. Qu'appelez-vous aimer, monsieur le Marquis? Est-ce de l'amour que vous entendez? LE MARQUIS. Eh! mais oui, de l'amour, de l'inclination, comme tu voudras: le nom n'y fait rien. Je l'aime mieux qu'une autre.[38] Voil tout. LISETTE. Cela se peut. LE MARQUIS. Mais elle n'en sait rien; je n'ai pas os le lui apprendre. Je n'ai pas trop le talent de parler d'amour. LISETTE. C'est ce qui me semble. LE MARQUIS. Oui, cela m'embarrasse; et, comme ta ma tresse est une femme fort raisonnable, j'ai peur qu'elle ne se moque de moi, et je ne saurois plus que lui dire: de sorte que j'ai r v qu'il seroit bon que tu la pr vinsses en ma faveur. LISETTE. Je vous demande pardon, Monsieur; mais il falloit r ver tout le contraire. Je ne puis rien pour vous, en v rit . LE MARQUIS. Eh! d'o vient?[39] Je t'aurai grande obligation. Je payerai bien tes peines. (_Montrant L pine._) Et, si ce gar on-l te convenoit, je vous ferois un fort bon parti[40] tous les deux. L PINE, _froidement, et sans regarder Lisette_. Derechef,[41] recueillez-vous l -dessus, Mademoiselle. LISETTE. Il n'y a pas moyen, monsieur le Marquis. Si je parlois de vos sentiments ma ma tresse, vous avez beau dire que le nom n'y fait rien, je me brouillerais[42] avec elle; je vous y brouillerais vous-m me. Ne la connoissez-vous pas? LE MARQUIS. Tu crois donc qu'il n'y a rien faire? LISETTE. Absolument rien. LE MARQUIS. Tant pis. Cela me chagrine. Elle me fait tant d'amiti ,[43] cette femme! Allons, il ne faut donc plus y penser. L PINE, _froidement_. Monsieur, ne vous d confortez[44] pas. Du r cit de Mademoiselle, n'en tenez compte;[45] elle vous triche. Retirons-nous. Venez me consulter l' cart; je serai plus consolant. Partons. LE MARQUIS. Viens. Voyons ce que tu as me dire. Adieu, Lisette. Ne me nuis pas, voil tout ce que j'exige. SC NE V. L PINE, LISETTE. L PINE. N'exigez rien: ne g nons point Mademoiselle. Soyons galamment ennemis d clar s; faisons-nous du mal en toute franchise. Adieu, gentille personne. Je vous ch ris ni plus ni moins: gardez-moi votre coeur: c'est un d p t que je vous laisse. LISETTE. Adieu, mon pauvre L pine. Vous tes peut- tre de tous les fous de la Garonne[46] le plus effront , mais aussi le plus divertissant. SC NE VI. LA COMTESSE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Voici ma ma tresse. De l'humeur dont elle est, je crois que cet amour-ci ne la divertira gu re. Gare[47] que le Marquis ne soit bient t cong di ! LA COMTESSE, _tenant une lettre_. Tenez, Lisette, dites qu'on porte cette lettre la poste. En voil dix que j' cris depuis trois semaines. La sotte chose qu'un proc s! Que j'en suis lasse! Je ne m' tonne pas s'il y a tant de femmes qui se marient! LISETTE, _riant_. Bon! votre proc s! une affaire de mille francs! Voil quelque chose de bien consid rable pour vous! Avez-vous envie de vous remarier? J'ai votre affaire. LA COMTESSE. Qu'est-ce que c'est qu'envie de me remarier? Pourquoi me dites-vous cela? LISETTE. Ne vous f chez pas; je ne veux que vous divertir. LA COMTESSE. Ce pourrait tre quelqu'un de Paris qui vous auroit fait une confidence. En tout cas, ne me le nommez pas. LISETTE. Oh! il faut pourtant que vous connoissiez celui dont je parle. LA COMTESSE. Brisons l -dessus. Je r ve une chose: le Marquis n'a ici qu'un valet de chambre, dont il a peut- tre besoin, et je voulois lui demander s'il n'a pas quelque paquet mettre la poste: on le porteroit avec le mien. O est-il, le Marquis? L'as-tu vu ce matin? LISETTE. Oh! oui. Malepeste![48] il a ses raisons pour tre veill de bonne heure! Revenons au mari que j'ai vous donner, celui qui br le pour vous et que vous avez enflamm de passion... LA COMTESSE. Qui est ce ben t-l ? LISETTE. Vous le devinez. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui br le est un sot. Je ne veux rien savoir de Paris. LISETTE. Ce n'est point de Paris: votre conqu te est dans le ch teau. Vous l'appellez ben t; moi, je vais le flatter: c'est un soupirant qui a l'air fort simple, un air de bon homme. Y tes-vous? LA COMTESSE. Nullement. Qui est-ce qui ressemble celui-ci? LISETTE. Eh! le Marquis. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui est avec nous? LISETTE. Lui-m me. LA COMTESSE. Je n'avois garde d'y tre.[49] O as-tu pris son air simple et de bon homme? Dis donc un air franc et ouvert, la bonne heure: il sera reconnoissable. LISETTE. Ma foi, Madame, je vous le rends comme je le vois. LA COMTESSE. Tu le vois tr s mal, on ne peut pas plus mal: en mille ans on ne le devineroit pas ce portrait-l . Mais de qui tiens-tu ce que tu me contes de son amour? LISETTE. De lui, qui me l'a dit; rien que cela. N'en riez-vous pas? Ne faites pas semblant de le savoir. Au reste, il n'y a qu' vous en d faire tout doucement. LA COMTESSE. H las! je ne lui en veux point de mal.[50] C'est un fort honn te homme, un homme dont je fais cas, qui a d'excellentes qualit s; et j'aime encore mieux que ce soit lui qu'un autre. Mais ne te trompes-tu pas aussi? Il ne t'aura peut- tre parl que d'estime: il en a beaucoup pour moi, beaucoup; il me l'a marqu e en mille occasions d'une mani re fort obligeante. LISETTE. Non, Madame, c'est de l'amour qui regarde vos appas; il en a prononc le mot sans bredouiller comme l'ordinaire. C'est de la flamme... Il languit, il soupire. LA COMTESSE. Est-il possible? Sur ce pied-l , je le plains, car ce n'est pas un tourdi: il faut qu'il le sente, puisqu'il le dit; et ce n'est pas de ces gens-l dont[51] je me moque: jamais leur amour n'est ridicule. Mais il n'osera m'en parler, n'est-ce pas? LISETTE. Oh! ne craignez rien! j'y ai mis bon ordre:[52] il ne s'y jouera pas.[53] Je lui ai t toute esp rance. N'ai-je pas bien fait? LA COMTESSE. Mais oui, sans doute, oui, pourvu que vous ne l'ayez pas brusqu , pourtant. Il falloit y prendre garde: c'est un ami que je veux conserver. Et vous avez quelquefois le ton dur et rev che, Lisette; il valoit mieux le laisser dire. LISETTE. Point du tout. Il vouloit que je vous parlasse en sa faveur. LA COMTESSE. Ce pauvre homme! LISETTE. Et je lui ai r pondu que je ne pouvois pas m'en m ler, que je me brouillerais avec vous si je vous en parlois, que vous me donneriez mon cong , que vous lui donneriez le sien. LA COMTESSE. Le sien. Quelle grossi ret ! Ah! que c'est mal parler! Son cong ? Et m me est-ce que je vous aurois donn le v tre? Vous savez bien que non. D'o vient[54] mentir, Lisette? C'est un ennemi que vous m'allez faire d'un des hommes du monde que je consid re le plus et qui le m rite le mieux. Quel sot langage de domestique! Eh! il toit si simple de vous tenir[55] lui dire: Monsieur, je ne saurois; ce ne sont pas l mes affaires. Parlez-en vous-m me. Et je voudrais qu'il os t m'en parler, pour racommoder un peu votre malhonn tet . Son cong ! son cong ! Il va se croire insult . LISETTE. Eh non, Madame; il toit impossible de vous en d barrasser moins de frais. Faut-il que vous l'aimiez, de peur de le f cher? Voulez-vous tre sa femme par politesse, lui qui doit pouser Hortense? Je ne lui ai rien dit de trop; et vous en voil quitte. Mais je l'aper ois qui vient en r vant. vitez-le, vous avez le temps. LA COMTESSE. L' viter, lui qui me voit! Ah! je m'en garderai bien. Apr s les discours que vous lui avez tenus, il croirait que je les ai dict s. Non, non, je ne changerai rien ma fa on de vivre avec lui. Allez porter ma lettre. LISETTE, _ part_. Hum! il y a ici quelque chose. (_Haut_.) Madame, je suis d'avis de rester aupr s de vous. Cela m'arrive souvent, et vous en serez plus l'abri d'une d claration. LA COMTESSE. Belle finesse! Quand je lui chapperois aujourd'hui, ne me trouvera-t-il pas demain? Il faudrait donc vous avoir toujours mes c t s? Non, non. Partez. S'il me parle, je sais r pondre. LISETTE. Je suis vous dans l'instant; je n'ai qu' donner cette lettre un laquais. LA COMTESSE. Non, Lisette: c'est une lettre de cons quence, et vous me ferez plaisir de la porter vous-m me, parce que, si le courier est pass , vous me la rapporterez, et je l'enverrai par une autre voie. Je ne me fie point aux valets: ils ne sont point exacts. LISETTE. Le courrier ne passe que dans deux heures, Madame. LA COMTESSE. Eh! allez, vous dis-je. Que sait-on? LISETTE, _ part_. Quel pr texte! (_Haut_.) Cette femme-l ne va pas droit avec moi. SC NE VII. LA COMTESSE, _seule_. Elle avoit la fureur de rester. Les domestiques sont ha ssables; il n'y a pas jusqu' leur z le qui ne vous d soblige. C'est toujours de travers qu'ils vous servent. SC NE VIII. LA COMTESSE, L PINE. L PINE. Madame, monsieur le Marquis vous a vue[56] de loin avec Lisette. Il demande s'il n'y a point de mal qu'il approche; il a le d sir de vous consulter, mais il se fait le scrupule[57] de vous tre importun. LA COMTESSE. Lui importun! Il ne sauroit l' tre. Dites-lui que je l'attends, L pine; qu'il vienne. L PINE. Je vais le r jouir de la nouvelle. Vous l'allez voir dans la minute. SC NE IX. L PINE, LE MARQUIS. L PINE, _appelant le Marquis_. Monsieur, venez prendre audience. Madame l'accorde. (_Quand le Marquis est venu, il lui dit part:_) Courage, Monsieur! l'accueil est gracieux, presque tendre: c'est un coeur qui demande qu'on le prenne. SC NE X. LA COMTESSE, LE MARQUIS. LA COMTESSE. Eh! d'o vient donc la c r monie que vous faites, Marquis?... Vous n'y songez pas.[58] LE MARQUIS. Madame, vous avez bien de la bont ... C'est que j'ai bien des choses vous dire. LA COMTESSE. Effectivement, vous me paroissez r veur, inquiet. LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai l'esprit en peine. J'ai besoin de conseil, j'ai besoin de gr ces, et le tout de votre part. LA COMTESSE. Tant mieux. Vous avez encore moins besoin de tout cela que je n'ai d'envie de vous tre bonne quelque chose. LE MARQUIS. O bonne! Il ne tient qu' vous de m' tre excellente, si vous voulez. LA COMTESSE. Comment, si je veux? Manquez-vous de confiance? Ah! je vous prie, ne me m nagez point. Vous pouvez tout sur moi, Marquis; je suis bien aise de vous le dire. LE MARQUIS. Cette assurance m'est bien agr able, et je serois tent d'en abuser. LA COMTESSE. J'ai grand'peur que vous ne r sistiez la tentation. Vous ne comptez pas assez sur vos amis, car vous tes si r serv , si retenu... LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai beaucoup de timidit . LA COMTESSE. Je fais de mon mieux pour vous l' ter, comme vous voyez. LE MARQUIS. Vous savez dans quelle situation je suis avec Hortense; que je dois l' pouser ou lui donner deux cent mille francs. LA COMTESSE. Oui, et je me suis aper ue que vous n'aviez pas grand go t pour elle. LE MARQUIS. Oh! on ne peut pas moins.[59] Je ne l'aime point du tout. LA COMTESSE. Je n'en suis pas surprise: son caract re est si diff rent du v tre! Elle a quelque chose de trop arrang [60] pour vous. LE MARQUIS. Vous y tes. Elle songe trop ses gr ces. Il faudroit toujours l'entretenir de compliments, et moi, ce n'est pas l mon fort. La coquetterie me g ne, elle me rend muet. LA COMTESSE. Ah! ah! je conviens qu'elle en a un peu; mais presque toutes les femmes sont de m me. Vous ne trouverez que cela partout, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Hors chez vous. Quelle diff rence, par exemple! Vous plaisez sans y penser. Ce n'est pas votre faute: vous ne savez pas seulement que vous tes aimable; mais d'autres le savent pour vous. LA COMTESSE. Moi, Marquis, je pense qu' cet gard-l les autres songent aussi peu moi que j'y songe moi-m me. LE MARQUIS. Oh! j'en connois qui ne vous disent pas tout ce qu'ils songent. LA COMTESSE. Eh! qui sont-ils, Marquis? Quelques amis comme vous, sans doute. LE MARQUIS. Bon, des amis! Voil bien de quoi! Vous n'en aurez encore de longtemps.[61] LA COMTESSE. Je vous suis oblig e du petit compliment que vous me faites en passant. LE MARQUIS. Point du tout. Je ne passe jamais, moi; je dis toujours expr s. LA COMTESSE, _riant_. Comment! vous qui ne voulez pas que j'aie encore des amis, est-ce que vous n' tes pas le mien? LE MARQUIS. Vous m'excuserez; mais, quand je serois autre chose,[62] il n'y auroit rien de surprenant. LA COMTESSE. Eh bien! je ne laisserois pas que d'en tre surprise.[63] LE MARQUIS. Et encore plus f ch e. LA COMTESSE. En v rit , surprise. Je veux pourtant croire que je suis aimable, puisque vous le dites. LE MARQUIS. O charmante! Et je serois bien heureux si Hortense vous ressembloit. Je l' pouserois d'un grand coeur, et j'ai bien de la peine m'y r soudre. LA COMTESSE. Je le crois, et ce seroit encore pis si vous aviez de l'inclination pour une autre. LE MARQUIS. Eh bien! c'est que justement le pis s'y trouve. LA COMTESSE, _par exclamation_. Oui? Vous aimez ailleurs? LE MARQUIS. De toute mon me. LA COMTESSE, _en souriant_. Je m'en suis dout e, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Et vous tes-vous dout e de la personne? LA COMTESSE. Non, mais vous me la direz. LE MARQUIS. Vous me feriez grand plaisir de la deviner. LA COMTESSE. Eh! pourquoi m'en donneriez-vous la peine, puisque vous voil ? LE MARQUIS. C'est que vous ne connoissez qu'elle:[64] c'est la plus aimable femme, la plus franche. Vous parlez de gens sans fa on: il n'y a personne comme elle; plus je la vois, plus je l'admire. LA COMTESSE. pousez-la, Marquis, pousez-la, et laissez l Hortense. Il n'y a point h siter: vous n'avez point d'autre parti prendre. LE MARQUIS. Oui, mais je songe une chose... N'y auroit-il pas moyen de me sauver les deux cent mille francs? Je vous parle coeur ouvert. LA COMTESSE. Regardez-moi dans cette occasion-ci comme une autre vous-m me. LE MARQUIS. Ah! que c'est bien dit! une autre moi-m me! LA COMTESSE. Ce qui me pla t en vous, c'est votre franchise, qui est une qualit admirable. Revenons. Comment vous sauver ces deux cent mille francs? LE MARQUIS. C'est que Hortense aime le Chevalier. Mais, propos, c'est votre parent? LA COMTESSE. Oh! parent de loin. LE MARQUIS. Or, de cet amour qu'elle a pour lui, je conclus qu'elle ne se soucie pas de moi. Je n'ai donc qu' faire semblant de vouloir l' pouser. Elle me refusera, et je ne lui devrai plus rien. Son refus me servira de quittance. LA COMTESSE. Oui-da,[65] vous pouvez le tenter. Ce n'est pas qu'il n'y ait du risque:[66] elle a du discernement, Marquis, Vous supposez qu'elle vous refusera; je n'en sais rien: vous n' tes pas homme d daigner. LE MARQUIS. Est-il vrai? LA COMTESSE. C'est mon sentiment. LE MARQUIS. Vous me flattez; vous encouragez ma franchise. LA COMTESSE. Je vous encourage! Eh! mais en tes-vous encore l ? Mettez-vous donc dans l'esprit que je ne demande qu' vous obliger, qu'il n'y a que l'impossible qui m'arr tera, et que vous devez compter sur tout ce qui d pendra de moi. Ne perdez point cela de vue, trange homme que vous tes, et achevez hardiment. Vous voulez des conseils, je vous en

joie

How many times the word 'joie' appears in the text?

Dorante: venez voir votre fille vous ob ir avec plus de joie qu'on n'en eut jamais. DORANTE. Qu'entends-je! vous, son p re, Monsieur? SILVIA. Oui, Dorante. La m me id e de nous conno tre nous est venue tous deux; apr s cela, je n'ai plus rien vous dire. Vous m'aimez, je n'en saurais douter; mais, votre tour, jugez de mes sentiments pour vous; jugez du cas que j'ai fait de votre coeur par la d licatesse avec laquelle j'ai t ch de l'acqu rir. M. ORGON. Connoissez-vous cette lettre-l ? Voil par o j'ai appris votre d guisement, qu'elle n'a pourtant su que par vous. DORANTE. Je ne saurais vous exprimer mon bonheur, Madame;[253] mais ce qui m'enchante le plus, ce sont les preuves que je vous ai donn es de ma tendresse. MARIO. Dorante me pardonne-t-il la col re o j'ai mis Bourguignon? DORANTE. Il ne vous la pardonne pas, il vous en remercie. ARLEQUIN. De la joie, Madame: vous avez perdu votre rang; mais vous n' tes point plaindre, puisqu'Arlequin vous reste. LISETTE. Belle consolation! il n'y a que toi qui gagne cela. ARLEQUIN. Je n'y perds pas. Avant notre reconnoissance, votre dot valoit mieux que vous; pr sent, vous valez mieux que votre dot. Allons, saute, marquis![254] * * * * * LE LEGS COM DIE EN UN ACTE, EN PROSE ACTEURS. LA COMTESSE. LE MARQUIS. HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. LISETTE,[1] suivante de la Comtesse. L PINE,[2] valet de chambre du Marquis. SC NE PREMI RE. LE CHEVALIER, HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. La d marche que vous allez faire aupr s du Marquis m'alarme. HORTENSE. Je ne risque rien, vous dis-je. Raisonnons. D funt son parent et le mien lui laisse six cent mille francs, la charge, il est vrai, de m' pouser ou de m'en donner deux cent mille: cela est son choix; mais le Marquis ne sent rien pour moi. Je suis s re qu'il a de l'inclination pour la Comtesse; d'ailleurs, il est d j assez riche par lui-m me: voil encore une succession de six cent mille francs qui lui vient, laquelle il ne s'attendoit pas; et vous croyez que, plut t que d'en distraire deux cent mille, il aimera mieux m' pouser, moi qui lui suis indiff rente, pendant qu'il a de l'amour pour la Comtesse, qui peut- tre ne le hait pas, et qui a plus de bien que moi? Il n'y a pas d'apparence. LE CHEVALIER. Mais quoi jugez-vous que la Comtesse ne le hait pas? HORTENSE. A mille petites remarques que je fais tous les jours, et je n'en suis pas surprise. Du caract re dont elle est, celui du Marquis doit tre de son go t. La Comtesse est une femme brusque, qui aime primer, gouverner, tre la ma tresse. Le Marquis est un homme doux, paisible, ais conduire; et voil ce qu'il faut la Comtesse. Aussi ne parle-t-elle de lui qu'avec loge. Son air de na vet lui pla t: c'est, dit-elle, le meilleur homme, le plus complaisant, le plus sociable. D'ailleurs, le Marquis est d'un ge qui lui convient; elle n'est plus de cette grande jeunesse:[3] il a trente-cinq ou quarante ans, et je vois bien qu'elle seroit charm e de vivre avec lui. LE CHEVALIER. J'ai peur que l' v nement[4] ne vous trompe. Ce n'est pas un petit objet que deux cent mille francs qu'il faudra qu'on vous donne si l'on ne vous pouse pas; et puis, quand le Marquis et la Comtesse s'aimeroient, de l'humeur dont ils sont tous deux, ils auront bien de la peine se le dire. HORTENSE. Oh! moyennant[5] l'embarras o je vais jeter le Marquis, il faudra bien qu'il parle; et je veux savoir quoi m'en tenir. Depuis le temps que nous sommes cette campagne,[6] chez la Comtesse, il ne me dit rien. Il y a six semaines qu'il se tait; je veux qu'il s'explique. Je ne perdrai pas le legs qui me revient si je n' pouse point le Marquis. LE CHEVALIER. Mais s'il accepte votre main? HORTENSE. Eh! non! vous dis-je. Laissez-moi faire. Je crois qu'il esp re que ce sera moi qui le refuserai. Peut- tre m me feindra-t-il de consentir notre union; mais que cela ne vous pouvante pas. Vous n' tes point assez riche pour m' pouser avec deux cent mille francs de moins: je suis bien aise de vous les apporter en mariage. Je suis persuad e que la Comtesse et le Marquis ne se ha ssent pas. Voyons ce que me diront l -dessus L pine et Lisette, qui vont venir me parler. L'un, est un Gascon froid,[7] mais adroit; Lisette a de l'esprit. Je sais qu'ils ont tous deux la confiance de leurs ma tres; je les int resserai m'instruire, et tout ira bien. Les voil qui viennent. Retirez-vous. SC NE II. LISETTE, L PINE, HORTENSE. HORTENSE. Venez, Lisette; approchez. LISETTE. Que souhaitez-vous de nous, Madame? HORTENSE. Rien que vous ne puissiez me dire sans blesser la fid lit que vous devez, vous au Marquis, et vous la Comtesse. LISETTE. Tant mieux, Madame. L PINE. Ce d but encourage. Nos services vous sont acquis. HORTENSE, _tire quelque argent de sa poche._ Tenez, Lisette, tout service m rite r compense. LISETTE, _refusant d'abord._ Du moins, Madame, faudroit-il savoir auparavant de quoi il s'agit. HORTENSE. Prenez; je vous le donne, quoi qu'il arrive. Voil pour vous, monsieur de L pine.[8] L PINE. Madame, je serois volontiers de l'avis de Mademoiselle; mais je prends. Le respect d fend que je raisonne. HORTENSE. Je ne pr tends vous engager en rien, et voici de quoi il est question. Le Marquis, votre ma tre, vous estime, L pine? L PINE, _froidement._ Extr mement, Madame; il me conno t. HORTENSE. Je remarque qu'il vous confie ais ment ce qu'il pense. L PINE. Oui. Madame, de toutes ses pens es incontinent[9] j'en ai copie; il n'en sait pas le compte mieux que moi. HORTENSE. Vous, Lisette, vous tes sur le m me ton[10] avec la Comtesse? LISETTE. J'ai cet honneur-l , Madame. HORTENSE. Dites-moi, L pine, je me figure que le Marquis aime la Comtesse. Me tromp -je? Il n'y a point d'inconv nient me dire ce qui en est. L PINE. Je n'affirme rien; mais patience: nous devons ce soir nous entretenir l -dessus. HORTENSE. Eh! soup onnez-vous qu'il l'aime? L PINE. De soup ons,[11] j'en ai de violents. Je m'en claircirai tant t. HORTENSE. Et vous, Lisette, quel est votre sentiment sur la Comtesse? LISETTE. Qu'elle ne songe point du tout au Marquis, Madame. L PINE. Je diff re avec vous de pens e.[12] HORTENSE. Je crois aussi qu'ils s'aiment. Et supposons que je ne me trompe pas: du caract re dont ils sont, ils auront de la peine s'en parler. Vous, L pine, voudriez-vous exciter le Marquis le d clarer la Comtesse? Et vous, Lisette, disposer la Comtesse se l'entendre dire? Ce sera une industrie fort innocente. L PINE. Et m me louable. LISETTE, _rendant l'argent._ Madame, permettez que je vous rende votre argent. HORTENSE, Gardez. D'o vient?[13] LISETTE. C'est qu'il me semble que voil , pr cis ment le service que vous exigez de moi, et c'est pr cis ment celui que je ne puis vous rendre. Ma ma tresse est veuve, elle est tranquille; son tat est heureux; ce seroit dommage de l'en tirer: je prie le Ciel qu'elle y reste. L PINE, _froidement._ Quant moi, je garde mon lot: rien ne m'oblige restitution. J'ai la volont de vous tre utile. Monsieur le Marquis vit dans le c libat; mais le mariage, il est bon, tr s bon; il a ses peines: chaque tat a les siennes; quelquefois le mien me p se. Le tout est gal.[14] Oui, je vous servirai, Madame, je vous servirai; je n'y vois point de mal. On s' pouse de tout temps, on s' pousera toujours; on n'a que cette honn te ressource quand on aime. HORTENSE. Vous me surprenez, Lisette, d'autant plus que je m'imaginois que vous pouviez vous aimer tous deux. LISETTE. C'est de quoi il n'est pas question de ma part. L PINE. De la mienne, j'en suis demeur l'estime. N anmoins, Mademoiselle est aimable; mais j'ai pass mon chemin sans y prendre garde. LISETTE. J'esp re que vous penserez toujours de m me. HORTENSE. Voil ce que j'avois vous dire. Adieu, Lisette; vous ferez ce qu'il vous plaira. Je ne vous demande que le secret. J'accepte vos services, L pine. SC NE III. L PINE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Nous n'avons rien nous dire, mons[15] de L pine. J'ai affaire, et je vous laisse. L PINE. Doucement, Mademoiselle; retardez d'un moment. Je trouve propos de vous informer d'un petit accident qui m'arrive. LISETTE. Voyons. L PINE. D'homme d'honneur,[16] je n'avois pas envisag vos gr ces; je ne connoissois pas votre mine. LISETTE. Qu'importe? Je vous en offre autant:[17] c'est tout au plus si je connois actuellement la v tre.[18] L PINE. Cette dame se figuroit que nous nous aimions. LISETTE. Eh bien! elle se figuroit mal. L PINE. Attendez, voici l'accident: son discours a fait que mes yeux se sont arr t s dessus[19] vous plus attentivement que de coutume. LISETTE. Vos yeux ont pris bien de la peine. L PINE. Et vous tes jolie, sandis![20] oh! tr s jolie! LISETTE. Ma foi, monsieur de L pine, vous tes tr s galant, oh! tr s galant. Mais l'ennui me prend d s qu'on me loue. Abr geons; est-ce l tout? L PINE. A mon exemple, envisagez-moi, je vous prie; faites-en l' preuve. LISETTE. Oui-da![21] Tenez, je vous regarde. L PINE. Eh donc! Est-ce l ce L pine que vous connoissiez? N'y voyez-vous rien[22] de nouveau? Que vous dit le coeur? LISETTE. Pas le mot; il n'y a rien l pour lui. L PINE. Quelquefois pourtant nombre de gens ont estim que j' tois un gar on assez revenant;[23] mais nous y retournerons: c'est partie remettre. coutez le restant. Il est certain que mon ma tre distingue[24] tendrement votre ma tresse. Aujourd'hui m me il m'a confi qu'il m ditoit de vous communiquer ses sentiments. LISETTE. Comme il lui plaira. La r ponse que j'aurai l'honneur de lui communiquer sera courte. L PINE. Remarquons d'abondance[25] que la Comtesse se pla t avec mon ma tre, qu'elle a l' me joyeuse en le voyant. Vous me direz que nos gens[26] sont d' tranges personnes, et je vous l'accorde. Le Marquis, homme tout simple, peu hasardeux dans le discours, n'osera jamais aventurer la d claration, et, des d clarations, la Comtesse les pouvante:[27] femme qui n glige les compliments, qui vous parle entre l'aigre et le doux, et dont l'entretien a je ne sais quoi de sec, de froid, de purement raisonnable. Le moyen que l'amour puisse tre mis en avant avec cette femme! Il ne sera jamais propos de lui dire: Je vous aime, moins qu'on ne lui dise[28] propos de rien. Cette mati re, avec elle, ne peut tomber que des nues. On dit qu'elle traite l'amour de bagatelle d'enfant; moi, je pr tends qu'elle a pris go t cette enfance.[29] Dans cette conjoncture, j'opine que nous encouragions ces deux personnages. Qu'en sera-t-il?[30] Qu'ils s'aimeront bonnement, en toute simplesse,[31] et qu'ils s' pouseront de m me. Qu'en sera-t-il? Qu'en me voyant votre camarade, vous me rendrez votre mari par la douce habitude de me voir. Eh donc! Parlez: tes-vous d'accord? LISETTE. Non. L PINE. Mademoiselle, est-ce mon amour qui vous d pla t? LISETTE. Oui. L PINE. En peu de mots vous dites beaucoup. Mais consid rez l'occurrence:[32] je vous pr dis que nos ma tres se marieront: que la commodit vous tente.[33] LISETTE. Je vous pr dis qu'ils ne se marieront point: je ne veux pas, moi. Ma ma tresse, comme vous dites fort habilement, tient l'amour au-dessous d'elle, et j'aurai soin de l'entretenir dans cette humeur, attendu qu'il n'est pas de mon petit int r t qu'elle se marie. Ma condition n'en seroit pas si bonne, entendez-vous? Il n'y a pas d'apparence que la Comtesse y gagne, et moi j'y perdrais beaucoup. J'ai fait un petit calcul l -dessus, au moyen duquel je trouve que tous vos arrangements me d rangent et ne me valent rien.[34] Ainsi, quelque jolie que je sois, continuez de n'en rien voir; laissez-la la d couverte que vous avez faite de mes gr ces, et passez toujours sans y prendre garde. L PINE, _froidement._ Je les ai vues, Mademoiselle; j'en suis frapp , et n'ai de rem de que votre coeur. LISETTE. Tenez-vous donc pour incurable. L PINE. Me donnez-vous votre dernier mot? LISETTE. Je n'y changerai pas une syllabe. (_Elle veut s'en aller._) L PINE, _l'arr tant_. Permettez que je reparte.[35] Vous calculez, moi de m me. Selon vous, il ne faut pas que nos gens se marient; il faut qu'ils s' pousent, selon moi: je le pr tends. LISETTE. Mauvaise gasconnade! L PINE. Patience. Je vous aime, et vous me refusez le r ciproque? Je calcule qu'il me fait besoin,[36] et je l'aurai, sandis![37] Je le pr tends. LISETTE. Vous ne l'aurez pas, sandis! L PINE. J'ai tout dit. Laissez parler mon ma tre, qui nous arrive. SC NE IV. LE MARQUIS, L PINE, LISETTE. LE MARQUIS. Ah! vous voici, Lisette! Je suis bien aise de vous trouver. LISETTE. Je vous suis oblig e, Monsieur; mais je m'en allois. LE MARQUIS. Vous vous en alliez? J'avois pourtant quelque chose vous dire. tes-vous un peu de nos amis? L PINE. Petitement. LISETTE. J'ai beaucoup d'estime et de respect pour monsieur le Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Tout de bon? Vous me faites plaisir, Lisette. Je fais beaucoup de cas de vous aussi; vous me paroissez une tr s bonne fille, et vous tes une ma tresse qui a bien du m rite. LISETTE. Il y a longtemps que je le sais, Monsieur. LE MARQUIS. Ne vous parle-t-elle jamais de moi? Que vous en dit-elle? LISETTE. Oh! rien. LE MARQUIS. C'est que, entre nous, il n'y a point de femme que j'aime tant qu'elle. LISETTE. Qu'appelez-vous aimer, monsieur le Marquis? Est-ce de l'amour que vous entendez? LE MARQUIS. Eh! mais oui, de l'amour, de l'inclination, comme tu voudras: le nom n'y fait rien. Je l'aime mieux qu'une autre.[38] Voil tout. LISETTE. Cela se peut. LE MARQUIS. Mais elle n'en sait rien; je n'ai pas os le lui apprendre. Je n'ai pas trop le talent de parler d'amour. LISETTE. C'est ce qui me semble. LE MARQUIS. Oui, cela m'embarrasse; et, comme ta ma tresse est une femme fort raisonnable, j'ai peur qu'elle ne se moque de moi, et je ne saurois plus que lui dire: de sorte que j'ai r v qu'il seroit bon que tu la pr vinsses en ma faveur. LISETTE. Je vous demande pardon, Monsieur; mais il falloit r ver tout le contraire. Je ne puis rien pour vous, en v rit . LE MARQUIS. Eh! d'o vient?[39] Je t'aurai grande obligation. Je payerai bien tes peines. (_Montrant L pine._) Et, si ce gar on-l te convenoit, je vous ferois un fort bon parti[40] tous les deux. L PINE, _froidement, et sans regarder Lisette_. Derechef,[41] recueillez-vous l -dessus, Mademoiselle. LISETTE. Il n'y a pas moyen, monsieur le Marquis. Si je parlois de vos sentiments ma ma tresse, vous avez beau dire que le nom n'y fait rien, je me brouillerais[42] avec elle; je vous y brouillerais vous-m me. Ne la connoissez-vous pas? LE MARQUIS. Tu crois donc qu'il n'y a rien faire? LISETTE. Absolument rien. LE MARQUIS. Tant pis. Cela me chagrine. Elle me fait tant d'amiti ,[43] cette femme! Allons, il ne faut donc plus y penser. L PINE, _froidement_. Monsieur, ne vous d confortez[44] pas. Du r cit de Mademoiselle, n'en tenez compte;[45] elle vous triche. Retirons-nous. Venez me consulter l' cart; je serai plus consolant. Partons. LE MARQUIS. Viens. Voyons ce que tu as me dire. Adieu, Lisette. Ne me nuis pas, voil tout ce que j'exige. SC NE V. L PINE, LISETTE. L PINE. N'exigez rien: ne g nons point Mademoiselle. Soyons galamment ennemis d clar s; faisons-nous du mal en toute franchise. Adieu, gentille personne. Je vous ch ris ni plus ni moins: gardez-moi votre coeur: c'est un d p t que je vous laisse. LISETTE. Adieu, mon pauvre L pine. Vous tes peut- tre de tous les fous de la Garonne[46] le plus effront , mais aussi le plus divertissant. SC NE VI. LA COMTESSE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Voici ma ma tresse. De l'humeur dont elle est, je crois que cet amour-ci ne la divertira gu re. Gare[47] que le Marquis ne soit bient t cong di ! LA COMTESSE, _tenant une lettre_. Tenez, Lisette, dites qu'on porte cette lettre la poste. En voil dix que j' cris depuis trois semaines. La sotte chose qu'un proc s! Que j'en suis lasse! Je ne m' tonne pas s'il y a tant de femmes qui se marient! LISETTE, _riant_. Bon! votre proc s! une affaire de mille francs! Voil quelque chose de bien consid rable pour vous! Avez-vous envie de vous remarier? J'ai votre affaire. LA COMTESSE. Qu'est-ce que c'est qu'envie de me remarier? Pourquoi me dites-vous cela? LISETTE. Ne vous f chez pas; je ne veux que vous divertir. LA COMTESSE. Ce pourrait tre quelqu'un de Paris qui vous auroit fait une confidence. En tout cas, ne me le nommez pas. LISETTE. Oh! il faut pourtant que vous connoissiez celui dont je parle. LA COMTESSE. Brisons l -dessus. Je r ve une chose: le Marquis n'a ici qu'un valet de chambre, dont il a peut- tre besoin, et je voulois lui demander s'il n'a pas quelque paquet mettre la poste: on le porteroit avec le mien. O est-il, le Marquis? L'as-tu vu ce matin? LISETTE. Oh! oui. Malepeste![48] il a ses raisons pour tre veill de bonne heure! Revenons au mari que j'ai vous donner, celui qui br le pour vous et que vous avez enflamm de passion... LA COMTESSE. Qui est ce ben t-l ? LISETTE. Vous le devinez. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui br le est un sot. Je ne veux rien savoir de Paris. LISETTE. Ce n'est point de Paris: votre conqu te est dans le ch teau. Vous l'appellez ben t; moi, je vais le flatter: c'est un soupirant qui a l'air fort simple, un air de bon homme. Y tes-vous? LA COMTESSE. Nullement. Qui est-ce qui ressemble celui-ci? LISETTE. Eh! le Marquis. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui est avec nous? LISETTE. Lui-m me. LA COMTESSE. Je n'avois garde d'y tre.[49] O as-tu pris son air simple et de bon homme? Dis donc un air franc et ouvert, la bonne heure: il sera reconnoissable. LISETTE. Ma foi, Madame, je vous le rends comme je le vois. LA COMTESSE. Tu le vois tr s mal, on ne peut pas plus mal: en mille ans on ne le devineroit pas ce portrait-l . Mais de qui tiens-tu ce que tu me contes de son amour? LISETTE. De lui, qui me l'a dit; rien que cela. N'en riez-vous pas? Ne faites pas semblant de le savoir. Au reste, il n'y a qu' vous en d faire tout doucement. LA COMTESSE. H las! je ne lui en veux point de mal.[50] C'est un fort honn te homme, un homme dont je fais cas, qui a d'excellentes qualit s; et j'aime encore mieux que ce soit lui qu'un autre. Mais ne te trompes-tu pas aussi? Il ne t'aura peut- tre parl que d'estime: il en a beaucoup pour moi, beaucoup; il me l'a marqu e en mille occasions d'une mani re fort obligeante. LISETTE. Non, Madame, c'est de l'amour qui regarde vos appas; il en a prononc le mot sans bredouiller comme l'ordinaire. C'est de la flamme... Il languit, il soupire. LA COMTESSE. Est-il possible? Sur ce pied-l , je le plains, car ce n'est pas un tourdi: il faut qu'il le sente, puisqu'il le dit; et ce n'est pas de ces gens-l dont[51] je me moque: jamais leur amour n'est ridicule. Mais il n'osera m'en parler, n'est-ce pas? LISETTE. Oh! ne craignez rien! j'y ai mis bon ordre:[52] il ne s'y jouera pas.[53] Je lui ai t toute esp rance. N'ai-je pas bien fait? LA COMTESSE. Mais oui, sans doute, oui, pourvu que vous ne l'ayez pas brusqu , pourtant. Il falloit y prendre garde: c'est un ami que je veux conserver. Et vous avez quelquefois le ton dur et rev che, Lisette; il valoit mieux le laisser dire. LISETTE. Point du tout. Il vouloit que je vous parlasse en sa faveur. LA COMTESSE. Ce pauvre homme! LISETTE. Et je lui ai r pondu que je ne pouvois pas m'en m ler, que je me brouillerais avec vous si je vous en parlois, que vous me donneriez mon cong , que vous lui donneriez le sien. LA COMTESSE. Le sien. Quelle grossi ret ! Ah! que c'est mal parler! Son cong ? Et m me est-ce que je vous aurois donn le v tre? Vous savez bien que non. D'o vient[54] mentir, Lisette? C'est un ennemi que vous m'allez faire d'un des hommes du monde que je consid re le plus et qui le m rite le mieux. Quel sot langage de domestique! Eh! il toit si simple de vous tenir[55] lui dire: Monsieur, je ne saurois; ce ne sont pas l mes affaires. Parlez-en vous-m me. Et je voudrais qu'il os t m'en parler, pour racommoder un peu votre malhonn tet . Son cong ! son cong ! Il va se croire insult . LISETTE. Eh non, Madame; il toit impossible de vous en d barrasser moins de frais. Faut-il que vous l'aimiez, de peur de le f cher? Voulez-vous tre sa femme par politesse, lui qui doit pouser Hortense? Je ne lui ai rien dit de trop; et vous en voil quitte. Mais je l'aper ois qui vient en r vant. vitez-le, vous avez le temps. LA COMTESSE. L' viter, lui qui me voit! Ah! je m'en garderai bien. Apr s les discours que vous lui avez tenus, il croirait que je les ai dict s. Non, non, je ne changerai rien ma fa on de vivre avec lui. Allez porter ma lettre. LISETTE, _ part_. Hum! il y a ici quelque chose. (_Haut_.) Madame, je suis d'avis de rester aupr s de vous. Cela m'arrive souvent, et vous en serez plus l'abri d'une d claration. LA COMTESSE. Belle finesse! Quand je lui chapperois aujourd'hui, ne me trouvera-t-il pas demain? Il faudrait donc vous avoir toujours mes c t s? Non, non. Partez. S'il me parle, je sais r pondre. LISETTE. Je suis vous dans l'instant; je n'ai qu' donner cette lettre un laquais. LA COMTESSE. Non, Lisette: c'est une lettre de cons quence, et vous me ferez plaisir de la porter vous-m me, parce que, si le courier est pass , vous me la rapporterez, et je l'enverrai par une autre voie. Je ne me fie point aux valets: ils ne sont point exacts. LISETTE. Le courrier ne passe que dans deux heures, Madame. LA COMTESSE. Eh! allez, vous dis-je. Que sait-on? LISETTE, _ part_. Quel pr texte! (_Haut_.) Cette femme-l ne va pas droit avec moi. SC NE VII. LA COMTESSE, _seule_. Elle avoit la fureur de rester. Les domestiques sont ha ssables; il n'y a pas jusqu' leur z le qui ne vous d soblige. C'est toujours de travers qu'ils vous servent. SC NE VIII. LA COMTESSE, L PINE. L PINE. Madame, monsieur le Marquis vous a vue[56] de loin avec Lisette. Il demande s'il n'y a point de mal qu'il approche; il a le d sir de vous consulter, mais il se fait le scrupule[57] de vous tre importun. LA COMTESSE. Lui importun! Il ne sauroit l' tre. Dites-lui que je l'attends, L pine; qu'il vienne. L PINE. Je vais le r jouir de la nouvelle. Vous l'allez voir dans la minute. SC NE IX. L PINE, LE MARQUIS. L PINE, _appelant le Marquis_. Monsieur, venez prendre audience. Madame l'accorde. (_Quand le Marquis est venu, il lui dit part:_) Courage, Monsieur! l'accueil est gracieux, presque tendre: c'est un coeur qui demande qu'on le prenne. SC NE X. LA COMTESSE, LE MARQUIS. LA COMTESSE. Eh! d'o vient donc la c r monie que vous faites, Marquis?... Vous n'y songez pas.[58] LE MARQUIS. Madame, vous avez bien de la bont ... C'est que j'ai bien des choses vous dire. LA COMTESSE. Effectivement, vous me paroissez r veur, inquiet. LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai l'esprit en peine. J'ai besoin de conseil, j'ai besoin de gr ces, et le tout de votre part. LA COMTESSE. Tant mieux. Vous avez encore moins besoin de tout cela que je n'ai d'envie de vous tre bonne quelque chose. LE MARQUIS. O bonne! Il ne tient qu' vous de m' tre excellente, si vous voulez. LA COMTESSE. Comment, si je veux? Manquez-vous de confiance? Ah! je vous prie, ne me m nagez point. Vous pouvez tout sur moi, Marquis; je suis bien aise de vous le dire. LE MARQUIS. Cette assurance m'est bien agr able, et je serois tent d'en abuser. LA COMTESSE. J'ai grand'peur que vous ne r sistiez la tentation. Vous ne comptez pas assez sur vos amis, car vous tes si r serv , si retenu... LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai beaucoup de timidit . LA COMTESSE. Je fais de mon mieux pour vous l' ter, comme vous voyez. LE MARQUIS. Vous savez dans quelle situation je suis avec Hortense; que je dois l' pouser ou lui donner deux cent mille francs. LA COMTESSE. Oui, et je me suis aper ue que vous n'aviez pas grand go t pour elle. LE MARQUIS. Oh! on ne peut pas moins.[59] Je ne l'aime point du tout. LA COMTESSE. Je n'en suis pas surprise: son caract re est si diff rent du v tre! Elle a quelque chose de trop arrang [60] pour vous. LE MARQUIS. Vous y tes. Elle songe trop ses gr ces. Il faudroit toujours l'entretenir de compliments, et moi, ce n'est pas l mon fort. La coquetterie me g ne, elle me rend muet. LA COMTESSE. Ah! ah! je conviens qu'elle en a un peu; mais presque toutes les femmes sont de m me. Vous ne trouverez que cela partout, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Hors chez vous. Quelle diff rence, par exemple! Vous plaisez sans y penser. Ce n'est pas votre faute: vous ne savez pas seulement que vous tes aimable; mais d'autres le savent pour vous. LA COMTESSE. Moi, Marquis, je pense qu' cet gard-l les autres songent aussi peu moi que j'y songe moi-m me. LE MARQUIS. Oh! j'en connois qui ne vous disent pas tout ce qu'ils songent. LA COMTESSE. Eh! qui sont-ils, Marquis? Quelques amis comme vous, sans doute. LE MARQUIS. Bon, des amis! Voil bien de quoi! Vous n'en aurez encore de longtemps.[61] LA COMTESSE. Je vous suis oblig e du petit compliment que vous me faites en passant. LE MARQUIS. Point du tout. Je ne passe jamais, moi; je dis toujours expr s. LA COMTESSE, _riant_. Comment! vous qui ne voulez pas que j'aie encore des amis, est-ce que vous n' tes pas le mien? LE MARQUIS. Vous m'excuserez; mais, quand je serois autre chose,[62] il n'y auroit rien de surprenant. LA COMTESSE. Eh bien! je ne laisserois pas que d'en tre surprise.[63] LE MARQUIS. Et encore plus f ch e. LA COMTESSE. En v rit , surprise. Je veux pourtant croire que je suis aimable, puisque vous le dites. LE MARQUIS. O charmante! Et je serois bien heureux si Hortense vous ressembloit. Je l' pouserois d'un grand coeur, et j'ai bien de la peine m'y r soudre. LA COMTESSE. Je le crois, et ce seroit encore pis si vous aviez de l'inclination pour une autre. LE MARQUIS. Eh bien! c'est que justement le pis s'y trouve. LA COMTESSE, _par exclamation_. Oui? Vous aimez ailleurs? LE MARQUIS. De toute mon me. LA COMTESSE, _en souriant_. Je m'en suis dout e, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Et vous tes-vous dout e de la personne? LA COMTESSE. Non, mais vous me la direz. LE MARQUIS. Vous me feriez grand plaisir de la deviner. LA COMTESSE. Eh! pourquoi m'en donneriez-vous la peine, puisque vous voil ? LE MARQUIS. C'est que vous ne connoissez qu'elle:[64] c'est la plus aimable femme, la plus franche. Vous parlez de gens sans fa on: il n'y a personne comme elle; plus je la vois, plus je l'admire. LA COMTESSE. pousez-la, Marquis, pousez-la, et laissez l Hortense. Il n'y a point h siter: vous n'avez point d'autre parti prendre. LE MARQUIS. Oui, mais je songe une chose... N'y auroit-il pas moyen de me sauver les deux cent mille francs? Je vous parle coeur ouvert. LA COMTESSE. Regardez-moi dans cette occasion-ci comme une autre vous-m me. LE MARQUIS. Ah! que c'est bien dit! une autre moi-m me! LA COMTESSE. Ce qui me pla t en vous, c'est votre franchise, qui est une qualit admirable. Revenons. Comment vous sauver ces deux cent mille francs? LE MARQUIS. C'est que Hortense aime le Chevalier. Mais, propos, c'est votre parent? LA COMTESSE. Oh! parent de loin. LE MARQUIS. Or, de cet amour qu'elle a pour lui, je conclus qu'elle ne se soucie pas de moi. Je n'ai donc qu' faire semblant de vouloir l' pouser. Elle me refusera, et je ne lui devrai plus rien. Son refus me servira de quittance. LA COMTESSE. Oui-da,[65] vous pouvez le tenter. Ce n'est pas qu'il n'y ait du risque:[66] elle a du discernement, Marquis, Vous supposez qu'elle vous refusera; je n'en sais rien: vous n' tes pas homme d daigner. LE MARQUIS. Est-il vrai? LA COMTESSE. C'est mon sentiment. LE MARQUIS. Vous me flattez; vous encouragez ma franchise. LA COMTESSE. Je vous encourage! Eh! mais en tes-vous encore l ? Mettez-vous donc dans l'esprit que je ne demande qu' vous obliger, qu'il n'y a que l'impossible qui m'arr tera, et que vous devez compter sur tout ce qui d pendra de moi. Ne perdez point cela de vue, trange homme que vous tes, et achevez hardiment. Vous voulez des conseils, je vous en

saurais

How many times the word 'saurais' appears in the text?

Dorante: venez voir votre fille vous ob ir avec plus de joie qu'on n'en eut jamais. DORANTE. Qu'entends-je! vous, son p re, Monsieur? SILVIA. Oui, Dorante. La m me id e de nous conno tre nous est venue tous deux; apr s cela, je n'ai plus rien vous dire. Vous m'aimez, je n'en saurais douter; mais, votre tour, jugez de mes sentiments pour vous; jugez du cas que j'ai fait de votre coeur par la d licatesse avec laquelle j'ai t ch de l'acqu rir. M. ORGON. Connoissez-vous cette lettre-l ? Voil par o j'ai appris votre d guisement, qu'elle n'a pourtant su que par vous. DORANTE. Je ne saurais vous exprimer mon bonheur, Madame;[253] mais ce qui m'enchante le plus, ce sont les preuves que je vous ai donn es de ma tendresse. MARIO. Dorante me pardonne-t-il la col re o j'ai mis Bourguignon? DORANTE. Il ne vous la pardonne pas, il vous en remercie. ARLEQUIN. De la joie, Madame: vous avez perdu votre rang; mais vous n' tes point plaindre, puisqu'Arlequin vous reste. LISETTE. Belle consolation! il n'y a que toi qui gagne cela. ARLEQUIN. Je n'y perds pas. Avant notre reconnoissance, votre dot valoit mieux que vous; pr sent, vous valez mieux que votre dot. Allons, saute, marquis![254] * * * * * LE LEGS COM DIE EN UN ACTE, EN PROSE ACTEURS. LA COMTESSE. LE MARQUIS. HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. LISETTE,[1] suivante de la Comtesse. L PINE,[2] valet de chambre du Marquis. SC NE PREMI RE. LE CHEVALIER, HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. La d marche que vous allez faire aupr s du Marquis m'alarme. HORTENSE. Je ne risque rien, vous dis-je. Raisonnons. D funt son parent et le mien lui laisse six cent mille francs, la charge, il est vrai, de m' pouser ou de m'en donner deux cent mille: cela est son choix; mais le Marquis ne sent rien pour moi. Je suis s re qu'il a de l'inclination pour la Comtesse; d'ailleurs, il est d j assez riche par lui-m me: voil encore une succession de six cent mille francs qui lui vient, laquelle il ne s'attendoit pas; et vous croyez que, plut t que d'en distraire deux cent mille, il aimera mieux m' pouser, moi qui lui suis indiff rente, pendant qu'il a de l'amour pour la Comtesse, qui peut- tre ne le hait pas, et qui a plus de bien que moi? Il n'y a pas d'apparence. LE CHEVALIER. Mais quoi jugez-vous que la Comtesse ne le hait pas? HORTENSE. A mille petites remarques que je fais tous les jours, et je n'en suis pas surprise. Du caract re dont elle est, celui du Marquis doit tre de son go t. La Comtesse est une femme brusque, qui aime primer, gouverner, tre la ma tresse. Le Marquis est un homme doux, paisible, ais conduire; et voil ce qu'il faut la Comtesse. Aussi ne parle-t-elle de lui qu'avec loge. Son air de na vet lui pla t: c'est, dit-elle, le meilleur homme, le plus complaisant, le plus sociable. D'ailleurs, le Marquis est d'un ge qui lui convient; elle n'est plus de cette grande jeunesse:[3] il a trente-cinq ou quarante ans, et je vois bien qu'elle seroit charm e de vivre avec lui. LE CHEVALIER. J'ai peur que l' v nement[4] ne vous trompe. Ce n'est pas un petit objet que deux cent mille francs qu'il faudra qu'on vous donne si l'on ne vous pouse pas; et puis, quand le Marquis et la Comtesse s'aimeroient, de l'humeur dont ils sont tous deux, ils auront bien de la peine se le dire. HORTENSE. Oh! moyennant[5] l'embarras o je vais jeter le Marquis, il faudra bien qu'il parle; et je veux savoir quoi m'en tenir. Depuis le temps que nous sommes cette campagne,[6] chez la Comtesse, il ne me dit rien. Il y a six semaines qu'il se tait; je veux qu'il s'explique. Je ne perdrai pas le legs qui me revient si je n' pouse point le Marquis. LE CHEVALIER. Mais s'il accepte votre main? HORTENSE. Eh! non! vous dis-je. Laissez-moi faire. Je crois qu'il esp re que ce sera moi qui le refuserai. Peut- tre m me feindra-t-il de consentir notre union; mais que cela ne vous pouvante pas. Vous n' tes point assez riche pour m' pouser avec deux cent mille francs de moins: je suis bien aise de vous les apporter en mariage. Je suis persuad e que la Comtesse et le Marquis ne se ha ssent pas. Voyons ce que me diront l -dessus L pine et Lisette, qui vont venir me parler. L'un, est un Gascon froid,[7] mais adroit; Lisette a de l'esprit. Je sais qu'ils ont tous deux la confiance de leurs ma tres; je les int resserai m'instruire, et tout ira bien. Les voil qui viennent. Retirez-vous. SC NE II. LISETTE, L PINE, HORTENSE. HORTENSE. Venez, Lisette; approchez. LISETTE. Que souhaitez-vous de nous, Madame? HORTENSE. Rien que vous ne puissiez me dire sans blesser la fid lit que vous devez, vous au Marquis, et vous la Comtesse. LISETTE. Tant mieux, Madame. L PINE. Ce d but encourage. Nos services vous sont acquis. HORTENSE, _tire quelque argent de sa poche._ Tenez, Lisette, tout service m rite r compense. LISETTE, _refusant d'abord._ Du moins, Madame, faudroit-il savoir auparavant de quoi il s'agit. HORTENSE. Prenez; je vous le donne, quoi qu'il arrive. Voil pour vous, monsieur de L pine.[8] L PINE. Madame, je serois volontiers de l'avis de Mademoiselle; mais je prends. Le respect d fend que je raisonne. HORTENSE. Je ne pr tends vous engager en rien, et voici de quoi il est question. Le Marquis, votre ma tre, vous estime, L pine? L PINE, _froidement._ Extr mement, Madame; il me conno t. HORTENSE. Je remarque qu'il vous confie ais ment ce qu'il pense. L PINE. Oui. Madame, de toutes ses pens es incontinent[9] j'en ai copie; il n'en sait pas le compte mieux que moi. HORTENSE. Vous, Lisette, vous tes sur le m me ton[10] avec la Comtesse? LISETTE. J'ai cet honneur-l , Madame. HORTENSE. Dites-moi, L pine, je me figure que le Marquis aime la Comtesse. Me tromp -je? Il n'y a point d'inconv nient me dire ce qui en est. L PINE. Je n'affirme rien; mais patience: nous devons ce soir nous entretenir l -dessus. HORTENSE. Eh! soup onnez-vous qu'il l'aime? L PINE. De soup ons,[11] j'en ai de violents. Je m'en claircirai tant t. HORTENSE. Et vous, Lisette, quel est votre sentiment sur la Comtesse? LISETTE. Qu'elle ne songe point du tout au Marquis, Madame. L PINE. Je diff re avec vous de pens e.[12] HORTENSE. Je crois aussi qu'ils s'aiment. Et supposons que je ne me trompe pas: du caract re dont ils sont, ils auront de la peine s'en parler. Vous, L pine, voudriez-vous exciter le Marquis le d clarer la Comtesse? Et vous, Lisette, disposer la Comtesse se l'entendre dire? Ce sera une industrie fort innocente. L PINE. Et m me louable. LISETTE, _rendant l'argent._ Madame, permettez que je vous rende votre argent. HORTENSE, Gardez. D'o vient?[13] LISETTE. C'est qu'il me semble que voil , pr cis ment le service que vous exigez de moi, et c'est pr cis ment celui que je ne puis vous rendre. Ma ma tresse est veuve, elle est tranquille; son tat est heureux; ce seroit dommage de l'en tirer: je prie le Ciel qu'elle y reste. L PINE, _froidement._ Quant moi, je garde mon lot: rien ne m'oblige restitution. J'ai la volont de vous tre utile. Monsieur le Marquis vit dans le c libat; mais le mariage, il est bon, tr s bon; il a ses peines: chaque tat a les siennes; quelquefois le mien me p se. Le tout est gal.[14] Oui, je vous servirai, Madame, je vous servirai; je n'y vois point de mal. On s' pouse de tout temps, on s' pousera toujours; on n'a que cette honn te ressource quand on aime. HORTENSE. Vous me surprenez, Lisette, d'autant plus que je m'imaginois que vous pouviez vous aimer tous deux. LISETTE. C'est de quoi il n'est pas question de ma part. L PINE. De la mienne, j'en suis demeur l'estime. N anmoins, Mademoiselle est aimable; mais j'ai pass mon chemin sans y prendre garde. LISETTE. J'esp re que vous penserez toujours de m me. HORTENSE. Voil ce que j'avois vous dire. Adieu, Lisette; vous ferez ce qu'il vous plaira. Je ne vous demande que le secret. J'accepte vos services, L pine. SC NE III. L PINE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Nous n'avons rien nous dire, mons[15] de L pine. J'ai affaire, et je vous laisse. L PINE. Doucement, Mademoiselle; retardez d'un moment. Je trouve propos de vous informer d'un petit accident qui m'arrive. LISETTE. Voyons. L PINE. D'homme d'honneur,[16] je n'avois pas envisag vos gr ces; je ne connoissois pas votre mine. LISETTE. Qu'importe? Je vous en offre autant:[17] c'est tout au plus si je connois actuellement la v tre.[18] L PINE. Cette dame se figuroit que nous nous aimions. LISETTE. Eh bien! elle se figuroit mal. L PINE. Attendez, voici l'accident: son discours a fait que mes yeux se sont arr t s dessus[19] vous plus attentivement que de coutume. LISETTE. Vos yeux ont pris bien de la peine. L PINE. Et vous tes jolie, sandis![20] oh! tr s jolie! LISETTE. Ma foi, monsieur de L pine, vous tes tr s galant, oh! tr s galant. Mais l'ennui me prend d s qu'on me loue. Abr geons; est-ce l tout? L PINE. A mon exemple, envisagez-moi, je vous prie; faites-en l' preuve. LISETTE. Oui-da![21] Tenez, je vous regarde. L PINE. Eh donc! Est-ce l ce L pine que vous connoissiez? N'y voyez-vous rien[22] de nouveau? Que vous dit le coeur? LISETTE. Pas le mot; il n'y a rien l pour lui. L PINE. Quelquefois pourtant nombre de gens ont estim que j' tois un gar on assez revenant;[23] mais nous y retournerons: c'est partie remettre. coutez le restant. Il est certain que mon ma tre distingue[24] tendrement votre ma tresse. Aujourd'hui m me il m'a confi qu'il m ditoit de vous communiquer ses sentiments. LISETTE. Comme il lui plaira. La r ponse que j'aurai l'honneur de lui communiquer sera courte. L PINE. Remarquons d'abondance[25] que la Comtesse se pla t avec mon ma tre, qu'elle a l' me joyeuse en le voyant. Vous me direz que nos gens[26] sont d' tranges personnes, et je vous l'accorde. Le Marquis, homme tout simple, peu hasardeux dans le discours, n'osera jamais aventurer la d claration, et, des d clarations, la Comtesse les pouvante:[27] femme qui n glige les compliments, qui vous parle entre l'aigre et le doux, et dont l'entretien a je ne sais quoi de sec, de froid, de purement raisonnable. Le moyen que l'amour puisse tre mis en avant avec cette femme! Il ne sera jamais propos de lui dire: Je vous aime, moins qu'on ne lui dise[28] propos de rien. Cette mati re, avec elle, ne peut tomber que des nues. On dit qu'elle traite l'amour de bagatelle d'enfant; moi, je pr tends qu'elle a pris go t cette enfance.[29] Dans cette conjoncture, j'opine que nous encouragions ces deux personnages. Qu'en sera-t-il?[30] Qu'ils s'aimeront bonnement, en toute simplesse,[31] et qu'ils s' pouseront de m me. Qu'en sera-t-il? Qu'en me voyant votre camarade, vous me rendrez votre mari par la douce habitude de me voir. Eh donc! Parlez: tes-vous d'accord? LISETTE. Non. L PINE. Mademoiselle, est-ce mon amour qui vous d pla t? LISETTE. Oui. L PINE. En peu de mots vous dites beaucoup. Mais consid rez l'occurrence:[32] je vous pr dis que nos ma tres se marieront: que la commodit vous tente.[33] LISETTE. Je vous pr dis qu'ils ne se marieront point: je ne veux pas, moi. Ma ma tresse, comme vous dites fort habilement, tient l'amour au-dessous d'elle, et j'aurai soin de l'entretenir dans cette humeur, attendu qu'il n'est pas de mon petit int r t qu'elle se marie. Ma condition n'en seroit pas si bonne, entendez-vous? Il n'y a pas d'apparence que la Comtesse y gagne, et moi j'y perdrais beaucoup. J'ai fait un petit calcul l -dessus, au moyen duquel je trouve que tous vos arrangements me d rangent et ne me valent rien.[34] Ainsi, quelque jolie que je sois, continuez de n'en rien voir; laissez-la la d couverte que vous avez faite de mes gr ces, et passez toujours sans y prendre garde. L PINE, _froidement._ Je les ai vues, Mademoiselle; j'en suis frapp , et n'ai de rem de que votre coeur. LISETTE. Tenez-vous donc pour incurable. L PINE. Me donnez-vous votre dernier mot? LISETTE. Je n'y changerai pas une syllabe. (_Elle veut s'en aller._) L PINE, _l'arr tant_. Permettez que je reparte.[35] Vous calculez, moi de m me. Selon vous, il ne faut pas que nos gens se marient; il faut qu'ils s' pousent, selon moi: je le pr tends. LISETTE. Mauvaise gasconnade! L PINE. Patience. Je vous aime, et vous me refusez le r ciproque? Je calcule qu'il me fait besoin,[36] et je l'aurai, sandis![37] Je le pr tends. LISETTE. Vous ne l'aurez pas, sandis! L PINE. J'ai tout dit. Laissez parler mon ma tre, qui nous arrive. SC NE IV. LE MARQUIS, L PINE, LISETTE. LE MARQUIS. Ah! vous voici, Lisette! Je suis bien aise de vous trouver. LISETTE. Je vous suis oblig e, Monsieur; mais je m'en allois. LE MARQUIS. Vous vous en alliez? J'avois pourtant quelque chose vous dire. tes-vous un peu de nos amis? L PINE. Petitement. LISETTE. J'ai beaucoup d'estime et de respect pour monsieur le Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Tout de bon? Vous me faites plaisir, Lisette. Je fais beaucoup de cas de vous aussi; vous me paroissez une tr s bonne fille, et vous tes une ma tresse qui a bien du m rite. LISETTE. Il y a longtemps que je le sais, Monsieur. LE MARQUIS. Ne vous parle-t-elle jamais de moi? Que vous en dit-elle? LISETTE. Oh! rien. LE MARQUIS. C'est que, entre nous, il n'y a point de femme que j'aime tant qu'elle. LISETTE. Qu'appelez-vous aimer, monsieur le Marquis? Est-ce de l'amour que vous entendez? LE MARQUIS. Eh! mais oui, de l'amour, de l'inclination, comme tu voudras: le nom n'y fait rien. Je l'aime mieux qu'une autre.[38] Voil tout. LISETTE. Cela se peut. LE MARQUIS. Mais elle n'en sait rien; je n'ai pas os le lui apprendre. Je n'ai pas trop le talent de parler d'amour. LISETTE. C'est ce qui me semble. LE MARQUIS. Oui, cela m'embarrasse; et, comme ta ma tresse est une femme fort raisonnable, j'ai peur qu'elle ne se moque de moi, et je ne saurois plus que lui dire: de sorte que j'ai r v qu'il seroit bon que tu la pr vinsses en ma faveur. LISETTE. Je vous demande pardon, Monsieur; mais il falloit r ver tout le contraire. Je ne puis rien pour vous, en v rit . LE MARQUIS. Eh! d'o vient?[39] Je t'aurai grande obligation. Je payerai bien tes peines. (_Montrant L pine._) Et, si ce gar on-l te convenoit, je vous ferois un fort bon parti[40] tous les deux. L PINE, _froidement, et sans regarder Lisette_. Derechef,[41] recueillez-vous l -dessus, Mademoiselle. LISETTE. Il n'y a pas moyen, monsieur le Marquis. Si je parlois de vos sentiments ma ma tresse, vous avez beau dire que le nom n'y fait rien, je me brouillerais[42] avec elle; je vous y brouillerais vous-m me. Ne la connoissez-vous pas? LE MARQUIS. Tu crois donc qu'il n'y a rien faire? LISETTE. Absolument rien. LE MARQUIS. Tant pis. Cela me chagrine. Elle me fait tant d'amiti ,[43] cette femme! Allons, il ne faut donc plus y penser. L PINE, _froidement_. Monsieur, ne vous d confortez[44] pas. Du r cit de Mademoiselle, n'en tenez compte;[45] elle vous triche. Retirons-nous. Venez me consulter l' cart; je serai plus consolant. Partons. LE MARQUIS. Viens. Voyons ce que tu as me dire. Adieu, Lisette. Ne me nuis pas, voil tout ce que j'exige. SC NE V. L PINE, LISETTE. L PINE. N'exigez rien: ne g nons point Mademoiselle. Soyons galamment ennemis d clar s; faisons-nous du mal en toute franchise. Adieu, gentille personne. Je vous ch ris ni plus ni moins: gardez-moi votre coeur: c'est un d p t que je vous laisse. LISETTE. Adieu, mon pauvre L pine. Vous tes peut- tre de tous les fous de la Garonne[46] le plus effront , mais aussi le plus divertissant. SC NE VI. LA COMTESSE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Voici ma ma tresse. De l'humeur dont elle est, je crois que cet amour-ci ne la divertira gu re. Gare[47] que le Marquis ne soit bient t cong di ! LA COMTESSE, _tenant une lettre_. Tenez, Lisette, dites qu'on porte cette lettre la poste. En voil dix que j' cris depuis trois semaines. La sotte chose qu'un proc s! Que j'en suis lasse! Je ne m' tonne pas s'il y a tant de femmes qui se marient! LISETTE, _riant_. Bon! votre proc s! une affaire de mille francs! Voil quelque chose de bien consid rable pour vous! Avez-vous envie de vous remarier? J'ai votre affaire. LA COMTESSE. Qu'est-ce que c'est qu'envie de me remarier? Pourquoi me dites-vous cela? LISETTE. Ne vous f chez pas; je ne veux que vous divertir. LA COMTESSE. Ce pourrait tre quelqu'un de Paris qui vous auroit fait une confidence. En tout cas, ne me le nommez pas. LISETTE. Oh! il faut pourtant que vous connoissiez celui dont je parle. LA COMTESSE. Brisons l -dessus. Je r ve une chose: le Marquis n'a ici qu'un valet de chambre, dont il a peut- tre besoin, et je voulois lui demander s'il n'a pas quelque paquet mettre la poste: on le porteroit avec le mien. O est-il, le Marquis? L'as-tu vu ce matin? LISETTE. Oh! oui. Malepeste![48] il a ses raisons pour tre veill de bonne heure! Revenons au mari que j'ai vous donner, celui qui br le pour vous et que vous avez enflamm de passion... LA COMTESSE. Qui est ce ben t-l ? LISETTE. Vous le devinez. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui br le est un sot. Je ne veux rien savoir de Paris. LISETTE. Ce n'est point de Paris: votre conqu te est dans le ch teau. Vous l'appellez ben t; moi, je vais le flatter: c'est un soupirant qui a l'air fort simple, un air de bon homme. Y tes-vous? LA COMTESSE. Nullement. Qui est-ce qui ressemble celui-ci? LISETTE. Eh! le Marquis. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui est avec nous? LISETTE. Lui-m me. LA COMTESSE. Je n'avois garde d'y tre.[49] O as-tu pris son air simple et de bon homme? Dis donc un air franc et ouvert, la bonne heure: il sera reconnoissable. LISETTE. Ma foi, Madame, je vous le rends comme je le vois. LA COMTESSE. Tu le vois tr s mal, on ne peut pas plus mal: en mille ans on ne le devineroit pas ce portrait-l . Mais de qui tiens-tu ce que tu me contes de son amour? LISETTE. De lui, qui me l'a dit; rien que cela. N'en riez-vous pas? Ne faites pas semblant de le savoir. Au reste, il n'y a qu' vous en d faire tout doucement. LA COMTESSE. H las! je ne lui en veux point de mal.[50] C'est un fort honn te homme, un homme dont je fais cas, qui a d'excellentes qualit s; et j'aime encore mieux que ce soit lui qu'un autre. Mais ne te trompes-tu pas aussi? Il ne t'aura peut- tre parl que d'estime: il en a beaucoup pour moi, beaucoup; il me l'a marqu e en mille occasions d'une mani re fort obligeante. LISETTE. Non, Madame, c'est de l'amour qui regarde vos appas; il en a prononc le mot sans bredouiller comme l'ordinaire. C'est de la flamme... Il languit, il soupire. LA COMTESSE. Est-il possible? Sur ce pied-l , je le plains, car ce n'est pas un tourdi: il faut qu'il le sente, puisqu'il le dit; et ce n'est pas de ces gens-l dont[51] je me moque: jamais leur amour n'est ridicule. Mais il n'osera m'en parler, n'est-ce pas? LISETTE. Oh! ne craignez rien! j'y ai mis bon ordre:[52] il ne s'y jouera pas.[53] Je lui ai t toute esp rance. N'ai-je pas bien fait? LA COMTESSE. Mais oui, sans doute, oui, pourvu que vous ne l'ayez pas brusqu , pourtant. Il falloit y prendre garde: c'est un ami que je veux conserver. Et vous avez quelquefois le ton dur et rev che, Lisette; il valoit mieux le laisser dire. LISETTE. Point du tout. Il vouloit que je vous parlasse en sa faveur. LA COMTESSE. Ce pauvre homme! LISETTE. Et je lui ai r pondu que je ne pouvois pas m'en m ler, que je me brouillerais avec vous si je vous en parlois, que vous me donneriez mon cong , que vous lui donneriez le sien. LA COMTESSE. Le sien. Quelle grossi ret ! Ah! que c'est mal parler! Son cong ? Et m me est-ce que je vous aurois donn le v tre? Vous savez bien que non. D'o vient[54] mentir, Lisette? C'est un ennemi que vous m'allez faire d'un des hommes du monde que je consid re le plus et qui le m rite le mieux. Quel sot langage de domestique! Eh! il toit si simple de vous tenir[55] lui dire: Monsieur, je ne saurois; ce ne sont pas l mes affaires. Parlez-en vous-m me. Et je voudrais qu'il os t m'en parler, pour racommoder un peu votre malhonn tet . Son cong ! son cong ! Il va se croire insult . LISETTE. Eh non, Madame; il toit impossible de vous en d barrasser moins de frais. Faut-il que vous l'aimiez, de peur de le f cher? Voulez-vous tre sa femme par politesse, lui qui doit pouser Hortense? Je ne lui ai rien dit de trop; et vous en voil quitte. Mais je l'aper ois qui vient en r vant. vitez-le, vous avez le temps. LA COMTESSE. L' viter, lui qui me voit! Ah! je m'en garderai bien. Apr s les discours que vous lui avez tenus, il croirait que je les ai dict s. Non, non, je ne changerai rien ma fa on de vivre avec lui. Allez porter ma lettre. LISETTE, _ part_. Hum! il y a ici quelque chose. (_Haut_.) Madame, je suis d'avis de rester aupr s de vous. Cela m'arrive souvent, et vous en serez plus l'abri d'une d claration. LA COMTESSE. Belle finesse! Quand je lui chapperois aujourd'hui, ne me trouvera-t-il pas demain? Il faudrait donc vous avoir toujours mes c t s? Non, non. Partez. S'il me parle, je sais r pondre. LISETTE. Je suis vous dans l'instant; je n'ai qu' donner cette lettre un laquais. LA COMTESSE. Non, Lisette: c'est une lettre de cons quence, et vous me ferez plaisir de la porter vous-m me, parce que, si le courier est pass , vous me la rapporterez, et je l'enverrai par une autre voie. Je ne me fie point aux valets: ils ne sont point exacts. LISETTE. Le courrier ne passe que dans deux heures, Madame. LA COMTESSE. Eh! allez, vous dis-je. Que sait-on? LISETTE, _ part_. Quel pr texte! (_Haut_.) Cette femme-l ne va pas droit avec moi. SC NE VII. LA COMTESSE, _seule_. Elle avoit la fureur de rester. Les domestiques sont ha ssables; il n'y a pas jusqu' leur z le qui ne vous d soblige. C'est toujours de travers qu'ils vous servent. SC NE VIII. LA COMTESSE, L PINE. L PINE. Madame, monsieur le Marquis vous a vue[56] de loin avec Lisette. Il demande s'il n'y a point de mal qu'il approche; il a le d sir de vous consulter, mais il se fait le scrupule[57] de vous tre importun. LA COMTESSE. Lui importun! Il ne sauroit l' tre. Dites-lui que je l'attends, L pine; qu'il vienne. L PINE. Je vais le r jouir de la nouvelle. Vous l'allez voir dans la minute. SC NE IX. L PINE, LE MARQUIS. L PINE, _appelant le Marquis_. Monsieur, venez prendre audience. Madame l'accorde. (_Quand le Marquis est venu, il lui dit part:_) Courage, Monsieur! l'accueil est gracieux, presque tendre: c'est un coeur qui demande qu'on le prenne. SC NE X. LA COMTESSE, LE MARQUIS. LA COMTESSE. Eh! d'o vient donc la c r monie que vous faites, Marquis?... Vous n'y songez pas.[58] LE MARQUIS. Madame, vous avez bien de la bont ... C'est que j'ai bien des choses vous dire. LA COMTESSE. Effectivement, vous me paroissez r veur, inquiet. LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai l'esprit en peine. J'ai besoin de conseil, j'ai besoin de gr ces, et le tout de votre part. LA COMTESSE. Tant mieux. Vous avez encore moins besoin de tout cela que je n'ai d'envie de vous tre bonne quelque chose. LE MARQUIS. O bonne! Il ne tient qu' vous de m' tre excellente, si vous voulez. LA COMTESSE. Comment, si je veux? Manquez-vous de confiance? Ah! je vous prie, ne me m nagez point. Vous pouvez tout sur moi, Marquis; je suis bien aise de vous le dire. LE MARQUIS. Cette assurance m'est bien agr able, et je serois tent d'en abuser. LA COMTESSE. J'ai grand'peur que vous ne r sistiez la tentation. Vous ne comptez pas assez sur vos amis, car vous tes si r serv , si retenu... LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai beaucoup de timidit . LA COMTESSE. Je fais de mon mieux pour vous l' ter, comme vous voyez. LE MARQUIS. Vous savez dans quelle situation je suis avec Hortense; que je dois l' pouser ou lui donner deux cent mille francs. LA COMTESSE. Oui, et je me suis aper ue que vous n'aviez pas grand go t pour elle. LE MARQUIS. Oh! on ne peut pas moins.[59] Je ne l'aime point du tout. LA COMTESSE. Je n'en suis pas surprise: son caract re est si diff rent du v tre! Elle a quelque chose de trop arrang [60] pour vous. LE MARQUIS. Vous y tes. Elle songe trop ses gr ces. Il faudroit toujours l'entretenir de compliments, et moi, ce n'est pas l mon fort. La coquetterie me g ne, elle me rend muet. LA COMTESSE. Ah! ah! je conviens qu'elle en a un peu; mais presque toutes les femmes sont de m me. Vous ne trouverez que cela partout, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Hors chez vous. Quelle diff rence, par exemple! Vous plaisez sans y penser. Ce n'est pas votre faute: vous ne savez pas seulement que vous tes aimable; mais d'autres le savent pour vous. LA COMTESSE. Moi, Marquis, je pense qu' cet gard-l les autres songent aussi peu moi que j'y songe moi-m me. LE MARQUIS. Oh! j'en connois qui ne vous disent pas tout ce qu'ils songent. LA COMTESSE. Eh! qui sont-ils, Marquis? Quelques amis comme vous, sans doute. LE MARQUIS. Bon, des amis! Voil bien de quoi! Vous n'en aurez encore de longtemps.[61] LA COMTESSE. Je vous suis oblig e du petit compliment que vous me faites en passant. LE MARQUIS. Point du tout. Je ne passe jamais, moi; je dis toujours expr s. LA COMTESSE, _riant_. Comment! vous qui ne voulez pas que j'aie encore des amis, est-ce que vous n' tes pas le mien? LE MARQUIS. Vous m'excuserez; mais, quand je serois autre chose,[62] il n'y auroit rien de surprenant. LA COMTESSE. Eh bien! je ne laisserois pas que d'en tre surprise.[63] LE MARQUIS. Et encore plus f ch e. LA COMTESSE. En v rit , surprise. Je veux pourtant croire que je suis aimable, puisque vous le dites. LE MARQUIS. O charmante! Et je serois bien heureux si Hortense vous ressembloit. Je l' pouserois d'un grand coeur, et j'ai bien de la peine m'y r soudre. LA COMTESSE. Je le crois, et ce seroit encore pis si vous aviez de l'inclination pour une autre. LE MARQUIS. Eh bien! c'est que justement le pis s'y trouve. LA COMTESSE, _par exclamation_. Oui? Vous aimez ailleurs? LE MARQUIS. De toute mon me. LA COMTESSE, _en souriant_. Je m'en suis dout e, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Et vous tes-vous dout e de la personne? LA COMTESSE. Non, mais vous me la direz. LE MARQUIS. Vous me feriez grand plaisir de la deviner. LA COMTESSE. Eh! pourquoi m'en donneriez-vous la peine, puisque vous voil ? LE MARQUIS. C'est que vous ne connoissez qu'elle:[64] c'est la plus aimable femme, la plus franche. Vous parlez de gens sans fa on: il n'y a personne comme elle; plus je la vois, plus je l'admire. LA COMTESSE. pousez-la, Marquis, pousez-la, et laissez l Hortense. Il n'y a point h siter: vous n'avez point d'autre parti prendre. LE MARQUIS. Oui, mais je songe une chose... N'y auroit-il pas moyen de me sauver les deux cent mille francs? Je vous parle coeur ouvert. LA COMTESSE. Regardez-moi dans cette occasion-ci comme une autre vous-m me. LE MARQUIS. Ah! que c'est bien dit! une autre moi-m me! LA COMTESSE. Ce qui me pla t en vous, c'est votre franchise, qui est une qualit admirable. Revenons. Comment vous sauver ces deux cent mille francs? LE MARQUIS. C'est que Hortense aime le Chevalier. Mais, propos, c'est votre parent? LA COMTESSE. Oh! parent de loin. LE MARQUIS. Or, de cet amour qu'elle a pour lui, je conclus qu'elle ne se soucie pas de moi. Je n'ai donc qu' faire semblant de vouloir l' pouser. Elle me refusera, et je ne lui devrai plus rien. Son refus me servira de quittance. LA COMTESSE. Oui-da,[65] vous pouvez le tenter. Ce n'est pas qu'il n'y ait du risque:[66] elle a du discernement, Marquis, Vous supposez qu'elle vous refusera; je n'en sais rien: vous n' tes pas homme d daigner. LE MARQUIS. Est-il vrai? LA COMTESSE. C'est mon sentiment. LE MARQUIS. Vous me flattez; vous encouragez ma franchise. LA COMTESSE. Je vous encourage! Eh! mais en tes-vous encore l ? Mettez-vous donc dans l'esprit que je ne demande qu' vous obliger, qu'il n'y a que l'impossible qui m'arr tera, et que vous devez compter sur tout ce qui d pendra de moi. Ne perdez point cela de vue, trange homme que vous tes, et achevez hardiment. Vous voulez des conseils, je vous en

aimer

How many times the word 'aimer' appears in the text?

Dorante: venez voir votre fille vous ob ir avec plus de joie qu'on n'en eut jamais. DORANTE. Qu'entends-je! vous, son p re, Monsieur? SILVIA. Oui, Dorante. La m me id e de nous conno tre nous est venue tous deux; apr s cela, je n'ai plus rien vous dire. Vous m'aimez, je n'en saurais douter; mais, votre tour, jugez de mes sentiments pour vous; jugez du cas que j'ai fait de votre coeur par la d licatesse avec laquelle j'ai t ch de l'acqu rir. M. ORGON. Connoissez-vous cette lettre-l ? Voil par o j'ai appris votre d guisement, qu'elle n'a pourtant su que par vous. DORANTE. Je ne saurais vous exprimer mon bonheur, Madame;[253] mais ce qui m'enchante le plus, ce sont les preuves que je vous ai donn es de ma tendresse. MARIO. Dorante me pardonne-t-il la col re o j'ai mis Bourguignon? DORANTE. Il ne vous la pardonne pas, il vous en remercie. ARLEQUIN. De la joie, Madame: vous avez perdu votre rang; mais vous n' tes point plaindre, puisqu'Arlequin vous reste. LISETTE. Belle consolation! il n'y a que toi qui gagne cela. ARLEQUIN. Je n'y perds pas. Avant notre reconnoissance, votre dot valoit mieux que vous; pr sent, vous valez mieux que votre dot. Allons, saute, marquis![254] * * * * * LE LEGS COM DIE EN UN ACTE, EN PROSE ACTEURS. LA COMTESSE. LE MARQUIS. HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. LISETTE,[1] suivante de la Comtesse. L PINE,[2] valet de chambre du Marquis. SC NE PREMI RE. LE CHEVALIER, HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. La d marche que vous allez faire aupr s du Marquis m'alarme. HORTENSE. Je ne risque rien, vous dis-je. Raisonnons. D funt son parent et le mien lui laisse six cent mille francs, la charge, il est vrai, de m' pouser ou de m'en donner deux cent mille: cela est son choix; mais le Marquis ne sent rien pour moi. Je suis s re qu'il a de l'inclination pour la Comtesse; d'ailleurs, il est d j assez riche par lui-m me: voil encore une succession de six cent mille francs qui lui vient, laquelle il ne s'attendoit pas; et vous croyez que, plut t que d'en distraire deux cent mille, il aimera mieux m' pouser, moi qui lui suis indiff rente, pendant qu'il a de l'amour pour la Comtesse, qui peut- tre ne le hait pas, et qui a plus de bien que moi? Il n'y a pas d'apparence. LE CHEVALIER. Mais quoi jugez-vous que la Comtesse ne le hait pas? HORTENSE. A mille petites remarques que je fais tous les jours, et je n'en suis pas surprise. Du caract re dont elle est, celui du Marquis doit tre de son go t. La Comtesse est une femme brusque, qui aime primer, gouverner, tre la ma tresse. Le Marquis est un homme doux, paisible, ais conduire; et voil ce qu'il faut la Comtesse. Aussi ne parle-t-elle de lui qu'avec loge. Son air de na vet lui pla t: c'est, dit-elle, le meilleur homme, le plus complaisant, le plus sociable. D'ailleurs, le Marquis est d'un ge qui lui convient; elle n'est plus de cette grande jeunesse:[3] il a trente-cinq ou quarante ans, et je vois bien qu'elle seroit charm e de vivre avec lui. LE CHEVALIER. J'ai peur que l' v nement[4] ne vous trompe. Ce n'est pas un petit objet que deux cent mille francs qu'il faudra qu'on vous donne si l'on ne vous pouse pas; et puis, quand le Marquis et la Comtesse s'aimeroient, de l'humeur dont ils sont tous deux, ils auront bien de la peine se le dire. HORTENSE. Oh! moyennant[5] l'embarras o je vais jeter le Marquis, il faudra bien qu'il parle; et je veux savoir quoi m'en tenir. Depuis le temps que nous sommes cette campagne,[6] chez la Comtesse, il ne me dit rien. Il y a six semaines qu'il se tait; je veux qu'il s'explique. Je ne perdrai pas le legs qui me revient si je n' pouse point le Marquis. LE CHEVALIER. Mais s'il accepte votre main? HORTENSE. Eh! non! vous dis-je. Laissez-moi faire. Je crois qu'il esp re que ce sera moi qui le refuserai. Peut- tre m me feindra-t-il de consentir notre union; mais que cela ne vous pouvante pas. Vous n' tes point assez riche pour m' pouser avec deux cent mille francs de moins: je suis bien aise de vous les apporter en mariage. Je suis persuad e que la Comtesse et le Marquis ne se ha ssent pas. Voyons ce que me diront l -dessus L pine et Lisette, qui vont venir me parler. L'un, est un Gascon froid,[7] mais adroit; Lisette a de l'esprit. Je sais qu'ils ont tous deux la confiance de leurs ma tres; je les int resserai m'instruire, et tout ira bien. Les voil qui viennent. Retirez-vous. SC NE II. LISETTE, L PINE, HORTENSE. HORTENSE. Venez, Lisette; approchez. LISETTE. Que souhaitez-vous de nous, Madame? HORTENSE. Rien que vous ne puissiez me dire sans blesser la fid lit que vous devez, vous au Marquis, et vous la Comtesse. LISETTE. Tant mieux, Madame. L PINE. Ce d but encourage. Nos services vous sont acquis. HORTENSE, _tire quelque argent de sa poche._ Tenez, Lisette, tout service m rite r compense. LISETTE, _refusant d'abord._ Du moins, Madame, faudroit-il savoir auparavant de quoi il s'agit. HORTENSE. Prenez; je vous le donne, quoi qu'il arrive. Voil pour vous, monsieur de L pine.[8] L PINE. Madame, je serois volontiers de l'avis de Mademoiselle; mais je prends. Le respect d fend que je raisonne. HORTENSE. Je ne pr tends vous engager en rien, et voici de quoi il est question. Le Marquis, votre ma tre, vous estime, L pine? L PINE, _froidement._ Extr mement, Madame; il me conno t. HORTENSE. Je remarque qu'il vous confie ais ment ce qu'il pense. L PINE. Oui. Madame, de toutes ses pens es incontinent[9] j'en ai copie; il n'en sait pas le compte mieux que moi. HORTENSE. Vous, Lisette, vous tes sur le m me ton[10] avec la Comtesse? LISETTE. J'ai cet honneur-l , Madame. HORTENSE. Dites-moi, L pine, je me figure que le Marquis aime la Comtesse. Me tromp -je? Il n'y a point d'inconv nient me dire ce qui en est. L PINE. Je n'affirme rien; mais patience: nous devons ce soir nous entretenir l -dessus. HORTENSE. Eh! soup onnez-vous qu'il l'aime? L PINE. De soup ons,[11] j'en ai de violents. Je m'en claircirai tant t. HORTENSE. Et vous, Lisette, quel est votre sentiment sur la Comtesse? LISETTE. Qu'elle ne songe point du tout au Marquis, Madame. L PINE. Je diff re avec vous de pens e.[12] HORTENSE. Je crois aussi qu'ils s'aiment. Et supposons que je ne me trompe pas: du caract re dont ils sont, ils auront de la peine s'en parler. Vous, L pine, voudriez-vous exciter le Marquis le d clarer la Comtesse? Et vous, Lisette, disposer la Comtesse se l'entendre dire? Ce sera une industrie fort innocente. L PINE. Et m me louable. LISETTE, _rendant l'argent._ Madame, permettez que je vous rende votre argent. HORTENSE, Gardez. D'o vient?[13] LISETTE. C'est qu'il me semble que voil , pr cis ment le service que vous exigez de moi, et c'est pr cis ment celui que je ne puis vous rendre. Ma ma tresse est veuve, elle est tranquille; son tat est heureux; ce seroit dommage de l'en tirer: je prie le Ciel qu'elle y reste. L PINE, _froidement._ Quant moi, je garde mon lot: rien ne m'oblige restitution. J'ai la volont de vous tre utile. Monsieur le Marquis vit dans le c libat; mais le mariage, il est bon, tr s bon; il a ses peines: chaque tat a les siennes; quelquefois le mien me p se. Le tout est gal.[14] Oui, je vous servirai, Madame, je vous servirai; je n'y vois point de mal. On s' pouse de tout temps, on s' pousera toujours; on n'a que cette honn te ressource quand on aime. HORTENSE. Vous me surprenez, Lisette, d'autant plus que je m'imaginois que vous pouviez vous aimer tous deux. LISETTE. C'est de quoi il n'est pas question de ma part. L PINE. De la mienne, j'en suis demeur l'estime. N anmoins, Mademoiselle est aimable; mais j'ai pass mon chemin sans y prendre garde. LISETTE. J'esp re que vous penserez toujours de m me. HORTENSE. Voil ce que j'avois vous dire. Adieu, Lisette; vous ferez ce qu'il vous plaira. Je ne vous demande que le secret. J'accepte vos services, L pine. SC NE III. L PINE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Nous n'avons rien nous dire, mons[15] de L pine. J'ai affaire, et je vous laisse. L PINE. Doucement, Mademoiselle; retardez d'un moment. Je trouve propos de vous informer d'un petit accident qui m'arrive. LISETTE. Voyons. L PINE. D'homme d'honneur,[16] je n'avois pas envisag vos gr ces; je ne connoissois pas votre mine. LISETTE. Qu'importe? Je vous en offre autant:[17] c'est tout au plus si je connois actuellement la v tre.[18] L PINE. Cette dame se figuroit que nous nous aimions. LISETTE. Eh bien! elle se figuroit mal. L PINE. Attendez, voici l'accident: son discours a fait que mes yeux se sont arr t s dessus[19] vous plus attentivement que de coutume. LISETTE. Vos yeux ont pris bien de la peine. L PINE. Et vous tes jolie, sandis![20] oh! tr s jolie! LISETTE. Ma foi, monsieur de L pine, vous tes tr s galant, oh! tr s galant. Mais l'ennui me prend d s qu'on me loue. Abr geons; est-ce l tout? L PINE. A mon exemple, envisagez-moi, je vous prie; faites-en l' preuve. LISETTE. Oui-da![21] Tenez, je vous regarde. L PINE. Eh donc! Est-ce l ce L pine que vous connoissiez? N'y voyez-vous rien[22] de nouveau? Que vous dit le coeur? LISETTE. Pas le mot; il n'y a rien l pour lui. L PINE. Quelquefois pourtant nombre de gens ont estim que j' tois un gar on assez revenant;[23] mais nous y retournerons: c'est partie remettre. coutez le restant. Il est certain que mon ma tre distingue[24] tendrement votre ma tresse. Aujourd'hui m me il m'a confi qu'il m ditoit de vous communiquer ses sentiments. LISETTE. Comme il lui plaira. La r ponse que j'aurai l'honneur de lui communiquer sera courte. L PINE. Remarquons d'abondance[25] que la Comtesse se pla t avec mon ma tre, qu'elle a l' me joyeuse en le voyant. Vous me direz que nos gens[26] sont d' tranges personnes, et je vous l'accorde. Le Marquis, homme tout simple, peu hasardeux dans le discours, n'osera jamais aventurer la d claration, et, des d clarations, la Comtesse les pouvante:[27] femme qui n glige les compliments, qui vous parle entre l'aigre et le doux, et dont l'entretien a je ne sais quoi de sec, de froid, de purement raisonnable. Le moyen que l'amour puisse tre mis en avant avec cette femme! Il ne sera jamais propos de lui dire: Je vous aime, moins qu'on ne lui dise[28] propos de rien. Cette mati re, avec elle, ne peut tomber que des nues. On dit qu'elle traite l'amour de bagatelle d'enfant; moi, je pr tends qu'elle a pris go t cette enfance.[29] Dans cette conjoncture, j'opine que nous encouragions ces deux personnages. Qu'en sera-t-il?[30] Qu'ils s'aimeront bonnement, en toute simplesse,[31] et qu'ils s' pouseront de m me. Qu'en sera-t-il? Qu'en me voyant votre camarade, vous me rendrez votre mari par la douce habitude de me voir. Eh donc! Parlez: tes-vous d'accord? LISETTE. Non. L PINE. Mademoiselle, est-ce mon amour qui vous d pla t? LISETTE. Oui. L PINE. En peu de mots vous dites beaucoup. Mais consid rez l'occurrence:[32] je vous pr dis que nos ma tres se marieront: que la commodit vous tente.[33] LISETTE. Je vous pr dis qu'ils ne se marieront point: je ne veux pas, moi. Ma ma tresse, comme vous dites fort habilement, tient l'amour au-dessous d'elle, et j'aurai soin de l'entretenir dans cette humeur, attendu qu'il n'est pas de mon petit int r t qu'elle se marie. Ma condition n'en seroit pas si bonne, entendez-vous? Il n'y a pas d'apparence que la Comtesse y gagne, et moi j'y perdrais beaucoup. J'ai fait un petit calcul l -dessus, au moyen duquel je trouve que tous vos arrangements me d rangent et ne me valent rien.[34] Ainsi, quelque jolie que je sois, continuez de n'en rien voir; laissez-la la d couverte que vous avez faite de mes gr ces, et passez toujours sans y prendre garde. L PINE, _froidement._ Je les ai vues, Mademoiselle; j'en suis frapp , et n'ai de rem de que votre coeur. LISETTE. Tenez-vous donc pour incurable. L PINE. Me donnez-vous votre dernier mot? LISETTE. Je n'y changerai pas une syllabe. (_Elle veut s'en aller._) L PINE, _l'arr tant_. Permettez que je reparte.[35] Vous calculez, moi de m me. Selon vous, il ne faut pas que nos gens se marient; il faut qu'ils s' pousent, selon moi: je le pr tends. LISETTE. Mauvaise gasconnade! L PINE. Patience. Je vous aime, et vous me refusez le r ciproque? Je calcule qu'il me fait besoin,[36] et je l'aurai, sandis![37] Je le pr tends. LISETTE. Vous ne l'aurez pas, sandis! L PINE. J'ai tout dit. Laissez parler mon ma tre, qui nous arrive. SC NE IV. LE MARQUIS, L PINE, LISETTE. LE MARQUIS. Ah! vous voici, Lisette! Je suis bien aise de vous trouver. LISETTE. Je vous suis oblig e, Monsieur; mais je m'en allois. LE MARQUIS. Vous vous en alliez? J'avois pourtant quelque chose vous dire. tes-vous un peu de nos amis? L PINE. Petitement. LISETTE. J'ai beaucoup d'estime et de respect pour monsieur le Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Tout de bon? Vous me faites plaisir, Lisette. Je fais beaucoup de cas de vous aussi; vous me paroissez une tr s bonne fille, et vous tes une ma tresse qui a bien du m rite. LISETTE. Il y a longtemps que je le sais, Monsieur. LE MARQUIS. Ne vous parle-t-elle jamais de moi? Que vous en dit-elle? LISETTE. Oh! rien. LE MARQUIS. C'est que, entre nous, il n'y a point de femme que j'aime tant qu'elle. LISETTE. Qu'appelez-vous aimer, monsieur le Marquis? Est-ce de l'amour que vous entendez? LE MARQUIS. Eh! mais oui, de l'amour, de l'inclination, comme tu voudras: le nom n'y fait rien. Je l'aime mieux qu'une autre.[38] Voil tout. LISETTE. Cela se peut. LE MARQUIS. Mais elle n'en sait rien; je n'ai pas os le lui apprendre. Je n'ai pas trop le talent de parler d'amour. LISETTE. C'est ce qui me semble. LE MARQUIS. Oui, cela m'embarrasse; et, comme ta ma tresse est une femme fort raisonnable, j'ai peur qu'elle ne se moque de moi, et je ne saurois plus que lui dire: de sorte que j'ai r v qu'il seroit bon que tu la pr vinsses en ma faveur. LISETTE. Je vous demande pardon, Monsieur; mais il falloit r ver tout le contraire. Je ne puis rien pour vous, en v rit . LE MARQUIS. Eh! d'o vient?[39] Je t'aurai grande obligation. Je payerai bien tes peines. (_Montrant L pine._) Et, si ce gar on-l te convenoit, je vous ferois un fort bon parti[40] tous les deux. L PINE, _froidement, et sans regarder Lisette_. Derechef,[41] recueillez-vous l -dessus, Mademoiselle. LISETTE. Il n'y a pas moyen, monsieur le Marquis. Si je parlois de vos sentiments ma ma tresse, vous avez beau dire que le nom n'y fait rien, je me brouillerais[42] avec elle; je vous y brouillerais vous-m me. Ne la connoissez-vous pas? LE MARQUIS. Tu crois donc qu'il n'y a rien faire? LISETTE. Absolument rien. LE MARQUIS. Tant pis. Cela me chagrine. Elle me fait tant d'amiti ,[43] cette femme! Allons, il ne faut donc plus y penser. L PINE, _froidement_. Monsieur, ne vous d confortez[44] pas. Du r cit de Mademoiselle, n'en tenez compte;[45] elle vous triche. Retirons-nous. Venez me consulter l' cart; je serai plus consolant. Partons. LE MARQUIS. Viens. Voyons ce que tu as me dire. Adieu, Lisette. Ne me nuis pas, voil tout ce que j'exige. SC NE V. L PINE, LISETTE. L PINE. N'exigez rien: ne g nons point Mademoiselle. Soyons galamment ennemis d clar s; faisons-nous du mal en toute franchise. Adieu, gentille personne. Je vous ch ris ni plus ni moins: gardez-moi votre coeur: c'est un d p t que je vous laisse. LISETTE. Adieu, mon pauvre L pine. Vous tes peut- tre de tous les fous de la Garonne[46] le plus effront , mais aussi le plus divertissant. SC NE VI. LA COMTESSE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Voici ma ma tresse. De l'humeur dont elle est, je crois que cet amour-ci ne la divertira gu re. Gare[47] que le Marquis ne soit bient t cong di ! LA COMTESSE, _tenant une lettre_. Tenez, Lisette, dites qu'on porte cette lettre la poste. En voil dix que j' cris depuis trois semaines. La sotte chose qu'un proc s! Que j'en suis lasse! Je ne m' tonne pas s'il y a tant de femmes qui se marient! LISETTE, _riant_. Bon! votre proc s! une affaire de mille francs! Voil quelque chose de bien consid rable pour vous! Avez-vous envie de vous remarier? J'ai votre affaire. LA COMTESSE. Qu'est-ce que c'est qu'envie de me remarier? Pourquoi me dites-vous cela? LISETTE. Ne vous f chez pas; je ne veux que vous divertir. LA COMTESSE. Ce pourrait tre quelqu'un de Paris qui vous auroit fait une confidence. En tout cas, ne me le nommez pas. LISETTE. Oh! il faut pourtant que vous connoissiez celui dont je parle. LA COMTESSE. Brisons l -dessus. Je r ve une chose: le Marquis n'a ici qu'un valet de chambre, dont il a peut- tre besoin, et je voulois lui demander s'il n'a pas quelque paquet mettre la poste: on le porteroit avec le mien. O est-il, le Marquis? L'as-tu vu ce matin? LISETTE. Oh! oui. Malepeste![48] il a ses raisons pour tre veill de bonne heure! Revenons au mari que j'ai vous donner, celui qui br le pour vous et que vous avez enflamm de passion... LA COMTESSE. Qui est ce ben t-l ? LISETTE. Vous le devinez. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui br le est un sot. Je ne veux rien savoir de Paris. LISETTE. Ce n'est point de Paris: votre conqu te est dans le ch teau. Vous l'appellez ben t; moi, je vais le flatter: c'est un soupirant qui a l'air fort simple, un air de bon homme. Y tes-vous? LA COMTESSE. Nullement. Qui est-ce qui ressemble celui-ci? LISETTE. Eh! le Marquis. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui est avec nous? LISETTE. Lui-m me. LA COMTESSE. Je n'avois garde d'y tre.[49] O as-tu pris son air simple et de bon homme? Dis donc un air franc et ouvert, la bonne heure: il sera reconnoissable. LISETTE. Ma foi, Madame, je vous le rends comme je le vois. LA COMTESSE. Tu le vois tr s mal, on ne peut pas plus mal: en mille ans on ne le devineroit pas ce portrait-l . Mais de qui tiens-tu ce que tu me contes de son amour? LISETTE. De lui, qui me l'a dit; rien que cela. N'en riez-vous pas? Ne faites pas semblant de le savoir. Au reste, il n'y a qu' vous en d faire tout doucement. LA COMTESSE. H las! je ne lui en veux point de mal.[50] C'est un fort honn te homme, un homme dont je fais cas, qui a d'excellentes qualit s; et j'aime encore mieux que ce soit lui qu'un autre. Mais ne te trompes-tu pas aussi? Il ne t'aura peut- tre parl que d'estime: il en a beaucoup pour moi, beaucoup; il me l'a marqu e en mille occasions d'une mani re fort obligeante. LISETTE. Non, Madame, c'est de l'amour qui regarde vos appas; il en a prononc le mot sans bredouiller comme l'ordinaire. C'est de la flamme... Il languit, il soupire. LA COMTESSE. Est-il possible? Sur ce pied-l , je le plains, car ce n'est pas un tourdi: il faut qu'il le sente, puisqu'il le dit; et ce n'est pas de ces gens-l dont[51] je me moque: jamais leur amour n'est ridicule. Mais il n'osera m'en parler, n'est-ce pas? LISETTE. Oh! ne craignez rien! j'y ai mis bon ordre:[52] il ne s'y jouera pas.[53] Je lui ai t toute esp rance. N'ai-je pas bien fait? LA COMTESSE. Mais oui, sans doute, oui, pourvu que vous ne l'ayez pas brusqu , pourtant. Il falloit y prendre garde: c'est un ami que je veux conserver. Et vous avez quelquefois le ton dur et rev che, Lisette; il valoit mieux le laisser dire. LISETTE. Point du tout. Il vouloit que je vous parlasse en sa faveur. LA COMTESSE. Ce pauvre homme! LISETTE. Et je lui ai r pondu que je ne pouvois pas m'en m ler, que je me brouillerais avec vous si je vous en parlois, que vous me donneriez mon cong , que vous lui donneriez le sien. LA COMTESSE. Le sien. Quelle grossi ret ! Ah! que c'est mal parler! Son cong ? Et m me est-ce que je vous aurois donn le v tre? Vous savez bien que non. D'o vient[54] mentir, Lisette? C'est un ennemi que vous m'allez faire d'un des hommes du monde que je consid re le plus et qui le m rite le mieux. Quel sot langage de domestique! Eh! il toit si simple de vous tenir[55] lui dire: Monsieur, je ne saurois; ce ne sont pas l mes affaires. Parlez-en vous-m me. Et je voudrais qu'il os t m'en parler, pour racommoder un peu votre malhonn tet . Son cong ! son cong ! Il va se croire insult . LISETTE. Eh non, Madame; il toit impossible de vous en d barrasser moins de frais. Faut-il que vous l'aimiez, de peur de le f cher? Voulez-vous tre sa femme par politesse, lui qui doit pouser Hortense? Je ne lui ai rien dit de trop; et vous en voil quitte. Mais je l'aper ois qui vient en r vant. vitez-le, vous avez le temps. LA COMTESSE. L' viter, lui qui me voit! Ah! je m'en garderai bien. Apr s les discours que vous lui avez tenus, il croirait que je les ai dict s. Non, non, je ne changerai rien ma fa on de vivre avec lui. Allez porter ma lettre. LISETTE, _ part_. Hum! il y a ici quelque chose. (_Haut_.) Madame, je suis d'avis de rester aupr s de vous. Cela m'arrive souvent, et vous en serez plus l'abri d'une d claration. LA COMTESSE. Belle finesse! Quand je lui chapperois aujourd'hui, ne me trouvera-t-il pas demain? Il faudrait donc vous avoir toujours mes c t s? Non, non. Partez. S'il me parle, je sais r pondre. LISETTE. Je suis vous dans l'instant; je n'ai qu' donner cette lettre un laquais. LA COMTESSE. Non, Lisette: c'est une lettre de cons quence, et vous me ferez plaisir de la porter vous-m me, parce que, si le courier est pass , vous me la rapporterez, et je l'enverrai par une autre voie. Je ne me fie point aux valets: ils ne sont point exacts. LISETTE. Le courrier ne passe que dans deux heures, Madame. LA COMTESSE. Eh! allez, vous dis-je. Que sait-on? LISETTE, _ part_. Quel pr texte! (_Haut_.) Cette femme-l ne va pas droit avec moi. SC NE VII. LA COMTESSE, _seule_. Elle avoit la fureur de rester. Les domestiques sont ha ssables; il n'y a pas jusqu' leur z le qui ne vous d soblige. C'est toujours de travers qu'ils vous servent. SC NE VIII. LA COMTESSE, L PINE. L PINE. Madame, monsieur le Marquis vous a vue[56] de loin avec Lisette. Il demande s'il n'y a point de mal qu'il approche; il a le d sir de vous consulter, mais il se fait le scrupule[57] de vous tre importun. LA COMTESSE. Lui importun! Il ne sauroit l' tre. Dites-lui que je l'attends, L pine; qu'il vienne. L PINE. Je vais le r jouir de la nouvelle. Vous l'allez voir dans la minute. SC NE IX. L PINE, LE MARQUIS. L PINE, _appelant le Marquis_. Monsieur, venez prendre audience. Madame l'accorde. (_Quand le Marquis est venu, il lui dit part:_) Courage, Monsieur! l'accueil est gracieux, presque tendre: c'est un coeur qui demande qu'on le prenne. SC NE X. LA COMTESSE, LE MARQUIS. LA COMTESSE. Eh! d'o vient donc la c r monie que vous faites, Marquis?... Vous n'y songez pas.[58] LE MARQUIS. Madame, vous avez bien de la bont ... C'est que j'ai bien des choses vous dire. LA COMTESSE. Effectivement, vous me paroissez r veur, inquiet. LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai l'esprit en peine. J'ai besoin de conseil, j'ai besoin de gr ces, et le tout de votre part. LA COMTESSE. Tant mieux. Vous avez encore moins besoin de tout cela que je n'ai d'envie de vous tre bonne quelque chose. LE MARQUIS. O bonne! Il ne tient qu' vous de m' tre excellente, si vous voulez. LA COMTESSE. Comment, si je veux? Manquez-vous de confiance? Ah! je vous prie, ne me m nagez point. Vous pouvez tout sur moi, Marquis; je suis bien aise de vous le dire. LE MARQUIS. Cette assurance m'est bien agr able, et je serois tent d'en abuser. LA COMTESSE. J'ai grand'peur que vous ne r sistiez la tentation. Vous ne comptez pas assez sur vos amis, car vous tes si r serv , si retenu... LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai beaucoup de timidit . LA COMTESSE. Je fais de mon mieux pour vous l' ter, comme vous voyez. LE MARQUIS. Vous savez dans quelle situation je suis avec Hortense; que je dois l' pouser ou lui donner deux cent mille francs. LA COMTESSE. Oui, et je me suis aper ue que vous n'aviez pas grand go t pour elle. LE MARQUIS. Oh! on ne peut pas moins.[59] Je ne l'aime point du tout. LA COMTESSE. Je n'en suis pas surprise: son caract re est si diff rent du v tre! Elle a quelque chose de trop arrang [60] pour vous. LE MARQUIS. Vous y tes. Elle songe trop ses gr ces. Il faudroit toujours l'entretenir de compliments, et moi, ce n'est pas l mon fort. La coquetterie me g ne, elle me rend muet. LA COMTESSE. Ah! ah! je conviens qu'elle en a un peu; mais presque toutes les femmes sont de m me. Vous ne trouverez que cela partout, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Hors chez vous. Quelle diff rence, par exemple! Vous plaisez sans y penser. Ce n'est pas votre faute: vous ne savez pas seulement que vous tes aimable; mais d'autres le savent pour vous. LA COMTESSE. Moi, Marquis, je pense qu' cet gard-l les autres songent aussi peu moi que j'y songe moi-m me. LE MARQUIS. Oh! j'en connois qui ne vous disent pas tout ce qu'ils songent. LA COMTESSE. Eh! qui sont-ils, Marquis? Quelques amis comme vous, sans doute. LE MARQUIS. Bon, des amis! Voil bien de quoi! Vous n'en aurez encore de longtemps.[61] LA COMTESSE. Je vous suis oblig e du petit compliment que vous me faites en passant. LE MARQUIS. Point du tout. Je ne passe jamais, moi; je dis toujours expr s. LA COMTESSE, _riant_. Comment! vous qui ne voulez pas que j'aie encore des amis, est-ce que vous n' tes pas le mien? LE MARQUIS. Vous m'excuserez; mais, quand je serois autre chose,[62] il n'y auroit rien de surprenant. LA COMTESSE. Eh bien! je ne laisserois pas que d'en tre surprise.[63] LE MARQUIS. Et encore plus f ch e. LA COMTESSE. En v rit , surprise. Je veux pourtant croire que je suis aimable, puisque vous le dites. LE MARQUIS. O charmante! Et je serois bien heureux si Hortense vous ressembloit. Je l' pouserois d'un grand coeur, et j'ai bien de la peine m'y r soudre. LA COMTESSE. Je le crois, et ce seroit encore pis si vous aviez de l'inclination pour une autre. LE MARQUIS. Eh bien! c'est que justement le pis s'y trouve. LA COMTESSE, _par exclamation_. Oui? Vous aimez ailleurs? LE MARQUIS. De toute mon me. LA COMTESSE, _en souriant_. Je m'en suis dout e, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Et vous tes-vous dout e de la personne? LA COMTESSE. Non, mais vous me la direz. LE MARQUIS. Vous me feriez grand plaisir de la deviner. LA COMTESSE. Eh! pourquoi m'en donneriez-vous la peine, puisque vous voil ? LE MARQUIS. C'est que vous ne connoissez qu'elle:[64] c'est la plus aimable femme, la plus franche. Vous parlez de gens sans fa on: il n'y a personne comme elle; plus je la vois, plus je l'admire. LA COMTESSE. pousez-la, Marquis, pousez-la, et laissez l Hortense. Il n'y a point h siter: vous n'avez point d'autre parti prendre. LE MARQUIS. Oui, mais je songe une chose... N'y auroit-il pas moyen de me sauver les deux cent mille francs? Je vous parle coeur ouvert. LA COMTESSE. Regardez-moi dans cette occasion-ci comme une autre vous-m me. LE MARQUIS. Ah! que c'est bien dit! une autre moi-m me! LA COMTESSE. Ce qui me pla t en vous, c'est votre franchise, qui est une qualit admirable. Revenons. Comment vous sauver ces deux cent mille francs? LE MARQUIS. C'est que Hortense aime le Chevalier. Mais, propos, c'est votre parent? LA COMTESSE. Oh! parent de loin. LE MARQUIS. Or, de cet amour qu'elle a pour lui, je conclus qu'elle ne se soucie pas de moi. Je n'ai donc qu' faire semblant de vouloir l' pouser. Elle me refusera, et je ne lui devrai plus rien. Son refus me servira de quittance. LA COMTESSE. Oui-da,[65] vous pouvez le tenter. Ce n'est pas qu'il n'y ait du risque:[66] elle a du discernement, Marquis, Vous supposez qu'elle vous refusera; je n'en sais rien: vous n' tes pas homme d daigner. LE MARQUIS. Est-il vrai? LA COMTESSE. C'est mon sentiment. LE MARQUIS. Vous me flattez; vous encouragez ma franchise. LA COMTESSE. Je vous encourage! Eh! mais en tes-vous encore l ? Mettez-vous donc dans l'esprit que je ne demande qu' vous obliger, qu'il n'y a que l'impossible qui m'arr tera, et que vous devez compter sur tout ce qui d pendra de moi. Ne perdez point cela de vue, trange homme que vous tes, et achevez hardiment. Vous voulez des conseils, je vous en

lift

How many times the word 'lift' appears in the text?

Dorante: venez voir votre fille vous ob ir avec plus de joie qu'on n'en eut jamais. DORANTE. Qu'entends-je! vous, son p re, Monsieur? SILVIA. Oui, Dorante. La m me id e de nous conno tre nous est venue tous deux; apr s cela, je n'ai plus rien vous dire. Vous m'aimez, je n'en saurais douter; mais, votre tour, jugez de mes sentiments pour vous; jugez du cas que j'ai fait de votre coeur par la d licatesse avec laquelle j'ai t ch de l'acqu rir. M. ORGON. Connoissez-vous cette lettre-l ? Voil par o j'ai appris votre d guisement, qu'elle n'a pourtant su que par vous. DORANTE. Je ne saurais vous exprimer mon bonheur, Madame;[253] mais ce qui m'enchante le plus, ce sont les preuves que je vous ai donn es de ma tendresse. MARIO. Dorante me pardonne-t-il la col re o j'ai mis Bourguignon? DORANTE. Il ne vous la pardonne pas, il vous en remercie. ARLEQUIN. De la joie, Madame: vous avez perdu votre rang; mais vous n' tes point plaindre, puisqu'Arlequin vous reste. LISETTE. Belle consolation! il n'y a que toi qui gagne cela. ARLEQUIN. Je n'y perds pas. Avant notre reconnoissance, votre dot valoit mieux que vous; pr sent, vous valez mieux que votre dot. Allons, saute, marquis![254] * * * * * LE LEGS COM DIE EN UN ACTE, EN PROSE ACTEURS. LA COMTESSE. LE MARQUIS. HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. LISETTE,[1] suivante de la Comtesse. L PINE,[2] valet de chambre du Marquis. SC NE PREMI RE. LE CHEVALIER, HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. La d marche que vous allez faire aupr s du Marquis m'alarme. HORTENSE. Je ne risque rien, vous dis-je. Raisonnons. D funt son parent et le mien lui laisse six cent mille francs, la charge, il est vrai, de m' pouser ou de m'en donner deux cent mille: cela est son choix; mais le Marquis ne sent rien pour moi. Je suis s re qu'il a de l'inclination pour la Comtesse; d'ailleurs, il est d j assez riche par lui-m me: voil encore une succession de six cent mille francs qui lui vient, laquelle il ne s'attendoit pas; et vous croyez que, plut t que d'en distraire deux cent mille, il aimera mieux m' pouser, moi qui lui suis indiff rente, pendant qu'il a de l'amour pour la Comtesse, qui peut- tre ne le hait pas, et qui a plus de bien que moi? Il n'y a pas d'apparence. LE CHEVALIER. Mais quoi jugez-vous que la Comtesse ne le hait pas? HORTENSE. A mille petites remarques que je fais tous les jours, et je n'en suis pas surprise. Du caract re dont elle est, celui du Marquis doit tre de son go t. La Comtesse est une femme brusque, qui aime primer, gouverner, tre la ma tresse. Le Marquis est un homme doux, paisible, ais conduire; et voil ce qu'il faut la Comtesse. Aussi ne parle-t-elle de lui qu'avec loge. Son air de na vet lui pla t: c'est, dit-elle, le meilleur homme, le plus complaisant, le plus sociable. D'ailleurs, le Marquis est d'un ge qui lui convient; elle n'est plus de cette grande jeunesse:[3] il a trente-cinq ou quarante ans, et je vois bien qu'elle seroit charm e de vivre avec lui. LE CHEVALIER. J'ai peur que l' v nement[4] ne vous trompe. Ce n'est pas un petit objet que deux cent mille francs qu'il faudra qu'on vous donne si l'on ne vous pouse pas; et puis, quand le Marquis et la Comtesse s'aimeroient, de l'humeur dont ils sont tous deux, ils auront bien de la peine se le dire. HORTENSE. Oh! moyennant[5] l'embarras o je vais jeter le Marquis, il faudra bien qu'il parle; et je veux savoir quoi m'en tenir. Depuis le temps que nous sommes cette campagne,[6] chez la Comtesse, il ne me dit rien. Il y a six semaines qu'il se tait; je veux qu'il s'explique. Je ne perdrai pas le legs qui me revient si je n' pouse point le Marquis. LE CHEVALIER. Mais s'il accepte votre main? HORTENSE. Eh! non! vous dis-je. Laissez-moi faire. Je crois qu'il esp re que ce sera moi qui le refuserai. Peut- tre m me feindra-t-il de consentir notre union; mais que cela ne vous pouvante pas. Vous n' tes point assez riche pour m' pouser avec deux cent mille francs de moins: je suis bien aise de vous les apporter en mariage. Je suis persuad e que la Comtesse et le Marquis ne se ha ssent pas. Voyons ce que me diront l -dessus L pine et Lisette, qui vont venir me parler. L'un, est un Gascon froid,[7] mais adroit; Lisette a de l'esprit. Je sais qu'ils ont tous deux la confiance de leurs ma tres; je les int resserai m'instruire, et tout ira bien. Les voil qui viennent. Retirez-vous. SC NE II. LISETTE, L PINE, HORTENSE. HORTENSE. Venez, Lisette; approchez. LISETTE. Que souhaitez-vous de nous, Madame? HORTENSE. Rien que vous ne puissiez me dire sans blesser la fid lit que vous devez, vous au Marquis, et vous la Comtesse. LISETTE. Tant mieux, Madame. L PINE. Ce d but encourage. Nos services vous sont acquis. HORTENSE, _tire quelque argent de sa poche._ Tenez, Lisette, tout service m rite r compense. LISETTE, _refusant d'abord._ Du moins, Madame, faudroit-il savoir auparavant de quoi il s'agit. HORTENSE. Prenez; je vous le donne, quoi qu'il arrive. Voil pour vous, monsieur de L pine.[8] L PINE. Madame, je serois volontiers de l'avis de Mademoiselle; mais je prends. Le respect d fend que je raisonne. HORTENSE. Je ne pr tends vous engager en rien, et voici de quoi il est question. Le Marquis, votre ma tre, vous estime, L pine? L PINE, _froidement._ Extr mement, Madame; il me conno t. HORTENSE. Je remarque qu'il vous confie ais ment ce qu'il pense. L PINE. Oui. Madame, de toutes ses pens es incontinent[9] j'en ai copie; il n'en sait pas le compte mieux que moi. HORTENSE. Vous, Lisette, vous tes sur le m me ton[10] avec la Comtesse? LISETTE. J'ai cet honneur-l , Madame. HORTENSE. Dites-moi, L pine, je me figure que le Marquis aime la Comtesse. Me tromp -je? Il n'y a point d'inconv nient me dire ce qui en est. L PINE. Je n'affirme rien; mais patience: nous devons ce soir nous entretenir l -dessus. HORTENSE. Eh! soup onnez-vous qu'il l'aime? L PINE. De soup ons,[11] j'en ai de violents. Je m'en claircirai tant t. HORTENSE. Et vous, Lisette, quel est votre sentiment sur la Comtesse? LISETTE. Qu'elle ne songe point du tout au Marquis, Madame. L PINE. Je diff re avec vous de pens e.[12] HORTENSE. Je crois aussi qu'ils s'aiment. Et supposons que je ne me trompe pas: du caract re dont ils sont, ils auront de la peine s'en parler. Vous, L pine, voudriez-vous exciter le Marquis le d clarer la Comtesse? Et vous, Lisette, disposer la Comtesse se l'entendre dire? Ce sera une industrie fort innocente. L PINE. Et m me louable. LISETTE, _rendant l'argent._ Madame, permettez que je vous rende votre argent. HORTENSE, Gardez. D'o vient?[13] LISETTE. C'est qu'il me semble que voil , pr cis ment le service que vous exigez de moi, et c'est pr cis ment celui que je ne puis vous rendre. Ma ma tresse est veuve, elle est tranquille; son tat est heureux; ce seroit dommage de l'en tirer: je prie le Ciel qu'elle y reste. L PINE, _froidement._ Quant moi, je garde mon lot: rien ne m'oblige restitution. J'ai la volont de vous tre utile. Monsieur le Marquis vit dans le c libat; mais le mariage, il est bon, tr s bon; il a ses peines: chaque tat a les siennes; quelquefois le mien me p se. Le tout est gal.[14] Oui, je vous servirai, Madame, je vous servirai; je n'y vois point de mal. On s' pouse de tout temps, on s' pousera toujours; on n'a que cette honn te ressource quand on aime. HORTENSE. Vous me surprenez, Lisette, d'autant plus que je m'imaginois que vous pouviez vous aimer tous deux. LISETTE. C'est de quoi il n'est pas question de ma part. L PINE. De la mienne, j'en suis demeur l'estime. N anmoins, Mademoiselle est aimable; mais j'ai pass mon chemin sans y prendre garde. LISETTE. J'esp re que vous penserez toujours de m me. HORTENSE. Voil ce que j'avois vous dire. Adieu, Lisette; vous ferez ce qu'il vous plaira. Je ne vous demande que le secret. J'accepte vos services, L pine. SC NE III. L PINE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Nous n'avons rien nous dire, mons[15] de L pine. J'ai affaire, et je vous laisse. L PINE. Doucement, Mademoiselle; retardez d'un moment. Je trouve propos de vous informer d'un petit accident qui m'arrive. LISETTE. Voyons. L PINE. D'homme d'honneur,[16] je n'avois pas envisag vos gr ces; je ne connoissois pas votre mine. LISETTE. Qu'importe? Je vous en offre autant:[17] c'est tout au plus si je connois actuellement la v tre.[18] L PINE. Cette dame se figuroit que nous nous aimions. LISETTE. Eh bien! elle se figuroit mal. L PINE. Attendez, voici l'accident: son discours a fait que mes yeux se sont arr t s dessus[19] vous plus attentivement que de coutume. LISETTE. Vos yeux ont pris bien de la peine. L PINE. Et vous tes jolie, sandis![20] oh! tr s jolie! LISETTE. Ma foi, monsieur de L pine, vous tes tr s galant, oh! tr s galant. Mais l'ennui me prend d s qu'on me loue. Abr geons; est-ce l tout? L PINE. A mon exemple, envisagez-moi, je vous prie; faites-en l' preuve. LISETTE. Oui-da![21] Tenez, je vous regarde. L PINE. Eh donc! Est-ce l ce L pine que vous connoissiez? N'y voyez-vous rien[22] de nouveau? Que vous dit le coeur? LISETTE. Pas le mot; il n'y a rien l pour lui. L PINE. Quelquefois pourtant nombre de gens ont estim que j' tois un gar on assez revenant;[23] mais nous y retournerons: c'est partie remettre. coutez le restant. Il est certain que mon ma tre distingue[24] tendrement votre ma tresse. Aujourd'hui m me il m'a confi qu'il m ditoit de vous communiquer ses sentiments. LISETTE. Comme il lui plaira. La r ponse que j'aurai l'honneur de lui communiquer sera courte. L PINE. Remarquons d'abondance[25] que la Comtesse se pla t avec mon ma tre, qu'elle a l' me joyeuse en le voyant. Vous me direz que nos gens[26] sont d' tranges personnes, et je vous l'accorde. Le Marquis, homme tout simple, peu hasardeux dans le discours, n'osera jamais aventurer la d claration, et, des d clarations, la Comtesse les pouvante:[27] femme qui n glige les compliments, qui vous parle entre l'aigre et le doux, et dont l'entretien a je ne sais quoi de sec, de froid, de purement raisonnable. Le moyen que l'amour puisse tre mis en avant avec cette femme! Il ne sera jamais propos de lui dire: Je vous aime, moins qu'on ne lui dise[28] propos de rien. Cette mati re, avec elle, ne peut tomber que des nues. On dit qu'elle traite l'amour de bagatelle d'enfant; moi, je pr tends qu'elle a pris go t cette enfance.[29] Dans cette conjoncture, j'opine que nous encouragions ces deux personnages. Qu'en sera-t-il?[30] Qu'ils s'aimeront bonnement, en toute simplesse,[31] et qu'ils s' pouseront de m me. Qu'en sera-t-il? Qu'en me voyant votre camarade, vous me rendrez votre mari par la douce habitude de me voir. Eh donc! Parlez: tes-vous d'accord? LISETTE. Non. L PINE. Mademoiselle, est-ce mon amour qui vous d pla t? LISETTE. Oui. L PINE. En peu de mots vous dites beaucoup. Mais consid rez l'occurrence:[32] je vous pr dis que nos ma tres se marieront: que la commodit vous tente.[33] LISETTE. Je vous pr dis qu'ils ne se marieront point: je ne veux pas, moi. Ma ma tresse, comme vous dites fort habilement, tient l'amour au-dessous d'elle, et j'aurai soin de l'entretenir dans cette humeur, attendu qu'il n'est pas de mon petit int r t qu'elle se marie. Ma condition n'en seroit pas si bonne, entendez-vous? Il n'y a pas d'apparence que la Comtesse y gagne, et moi j'y perdrais beaucoup. J'ai fait un petit calcul l -dessus, au moyen duquel je trouve que tous vos arrangements me d rangent et ne me valent rien.[34] Ainsi, quelque jolie que je sois, continuez de n'en rien voir; laissez-la la d couverte que vous avez faite de mes gr ces, et passez toujours sans y prendre garde. L PINE, _froidement._ Je les ai vues, Mademoiselle; j'en suis frapp , et n'ai de rem de que votre coeur. LISETTE. Tenez-vous donc pour incurable. L PINE. Me donnez-vous votre dernier mot? LISETTE. Je n'y changerai pas une syllabe. (_Elle veut s'en aller._) L PINE, _l'arr tant_. Permettez que je reparte.[35] Vous calculez, moi de m me. Selon vous, il ne faut pas que nos gens se marient; il faut qu'ils s' pousent, selon moi: je le pr tends. LISETTE. Mauvaise gasconnade! L PINE. Patience. Je vous aime, et vous me refusez le r ciproque? Je calcule qu'il me fait besoin,[36] et je l'aurai, sandis![37] Je le pr tends. LISETTE. Vous ne l'aurez pas, sandis! L PINE. J'ai tout dit. Laissez parler mon ma tre, qui nous arrive. SC NE IV. LE MARQUIS, L PINE, LISETTE. LE MARQUIS. Ah! vous voici, Lisette! Je suis bien aise de vous trouver. LISETTE. Je vous suis oblig e, Monsieur; mais je m'en allois. LE MARQUIS. Vous vous en alliez? J'avois pourtant quelque chose vous dire. tes-vous un peu de nos amis? L PINE. Petitement. LISETTE. J'ai beaucoup d'estime et de respect pour monsieur le Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Tout de bon? Vous me faites plaisir, Lisette. Je fais beaucoup de cas de vous aussi; vous me paroissez une tr s bonne fille, et vous tes une ma tresse qui a bien du m rite. LISETTE. Il y a longtemps que je le sais, Monsieur. LE MARQUIS. Ne vous parle-t-elle jamais de moi? Que vous en dit-elle? LISETTE. Oh! rien. LE MARQUIS. C'est que, entre nous, il n'y a point de femme que j'aime tant qu'elle. LISETTE. Qu'appelez-vous aimer, monsieur le Marquis? Est-ce de l'amour que vous entendez? LE MARQUIS. Eh! mais oui, de l'amour, de l'inclination, comme tu voudras: le nom n'y fait rien. Je l'aime mieux qu'une autre.[38] Voil tout. LISETTE. Cela se peut. LE MARQUIS. Mais elle n'en sait rien; je n'ai pas os le lui apprendre. Je n'ai pas trop le talent de parler d'amour. LISETTE. C'est ce qui me semble. LE MARQUIS. Oui, cela m'embarrasse; et, comme ta ma tresse est une femme fort raisonnable, j'ai peur qu'elle ne se moque de moi, et je ne saurois plus que lui dire: de sorte que j'ai r v qu'il seroit bon que tu la pr vinsses en ma faveur. LISETTE. Je vous demande pardon, Monsieur; mais il falloit r ver tout le contraire. Je ne puis rien pour vous, en v rit . LE MARQUIS. Eh! d'o vient?[39] Je t'aurai grande obligation. Je payerai bien tes peines. (_Montrant L pine._) Et, si ce gar on-l te convenoit, je vous ferois un fort bon parti[40] tous les deux. L PINE, _froidement, et sans regarder Lisette_. Derechef,[41] recueillez-vous l -dessus, Mademoiselle. LISETTE. Il n'y a pas moyen, monsieur le Marquis. Si je parlois de vos sentiments ma ma tresse, vous avez beau dire que le nom n'y fait rien, je me brouillerais[42] avec elle; je vous y brouillerais vous-m me. Ne la connoissez-vous pas? LE MARQUIS. Tu crois donc qu'il n'y a rien faire? LISETTE. Absolument rien. LE MARQUIS. Tant pis. Cela me chagrine. Elle me fait tant d'amiti ,[43] cette femme! Allons, il ne faut donc plus y penser. L PINE, _froidement_. Monsieur, ne vous d confortez[44] pas. Du r cit de Mademoiselle, n'en tenez compte;[45] elle vous triche. Retirons-nous. Venez me consulter l' cart; je serai plus consolant. Partons. LE MARQUIS. Viens. Voyons ce que tu as me dire. Adieu, Lisette. Ne me nuis pas, voil tout ce que j'exige. SC NE V. L PINE, LISETTE. L PINE. N'exigez rien: ne g nons point Mademoiselle. Soyons galamment ennemis d clar s; faisons-nous du mal en toute franchise. Adieu, gentille personne. Je vous ch ris ni plus ni moins: gardez-moi votre coeur: c'est un d p t que je vous laisse. LISETTE. Adieu, mon pauvre L pine. Vous tes peut- tre de tous les fous de la Garonne[46] le plus effront , mais aussi le plus divertissant. SC NE VI. LA COMTESSE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Voici ma ma tresse. De l'humeur dont elle est, je crois que cet amour-ci ne la divertira gu re. Gare[47] que le Marquis ne soit bient t cong di ! LA COMTESSE, _tenant une lettre_. Tenez, Lisette, dites qu'on porte cette lettre la poste. En voil dix que j' cris depuis trois semaines. La sotte chose qu'un proc s! Que j'en suis lasse! Je ne m' tonne pas s'il y a tant de femmes qui se marient! LISETTE, _riant_. Bon! votre proc s! une affaire de mille francs! Voil quelque chose de bien consid rable pour vous! Avez-vous envie de vous remarier? J'ai votre affaire. LA COMTESSE. Qu'est-ce que c'est qu'envie de me remarier? Pourquoi me dites-vous cela? LISETTE. Ne vous f chez pas; je ne veux que vous divertir. LA COMTESSE. Ce pourrait tre quelqu'un de Paris qui vous auroit fait une confidence. En tout cas, ne me le nommez pas. LISETTE. Oh! il faut pourtant que vous connoissiez celui dont je parle. LA COMTESSE. Brisons l -dessus. Je r ve une chose: le Marquis n'a ici qu'un valet de chambre, dont il a peut- tre besoin, et je voulois lui demander s'il n'a pas quelque paquet mettre la poste: on le porteroit avec le mien. O est-il, le Marquis? L'as-tu vu ce matin? LISETTE. Oh! oui. Malepeste![48] il a ses raisons pour tre veill de bonne heure! Revenons au mari que j'ai vous donner, celui qui br le pour vous et que vous avez enflamm de passion... LA COMTESSE. Qui est ce ben t-l ? LISETTE. Vous le devinez. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui br le est un sot. Je ne veux rien savoir de Paris. LISETTE. Ce n'est point de Paris: votre conqu te est dans le ch teau. Vous l'appellez ben t; moi, je vais le flatter: c'est un soupirant qui a l'air fort simple, un air de bon homme. Y tes-vous? LA COMTESSE. Nullement. Qui est-ce qui ressemble celui-ci? LISETTE. Eh! le Marquis. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui est avec nous? LISETTE. Lui-m me. LA COMTESSE. Je n'avois garde d'y tre.[49] O as-tu pris son air simple et de bon homme? Dis donc un air franc et ouvert, la bonne heure: il sera reconnoissable. LISETTE. Ma foi, Madame, je vous le rends comme je le vois. LA COMTESSE. Tu le vois tr s mal, on ne peut pas plus mal: en mille ans on ne le devineroit pas ce portrait-l . Mais de qui tiens-tu ce que tu me contes de son amour? LISETTE. De lui, qui me l'a dit; rien que cela. N'en riez-vous pas? Ne faites pas semblant de le savoir. Au reste, il n'y a qu' vous en d faire tout doucement. LA COMTESSE. H las! je ne lui en veux point de mal.[50] C'est un fort honn te homme, un homme dont je fais cas, qui a d'excellentes qualit s; et j'aime encore mieux que ce soit lui qu'un autre. Mais ne te trompes-tu pas aussi? Il ne t'aura peut- tre parl que d'estime: il en a beaucoup pour moi, beaucoup; il me l'a marqu e en mille occasions d'une mani re fort obligeante. LISETTE. Non, Madame, c'est de l'amour qui regarde vos appas; il en a prononc le mot sans bredouiller comme l'ordinaire. C'est de la flamme... Il languit, il soupire. LA COMTESSE. Est-il possible? Sur ce pied-l , je le plains, car ce n'est pas un tourdi: il faut qu'il le sente, puisqu'il le dit; et ce n'est pas de ces gens-l dont[51] je me moque: jamais leur amour n'est ridicule. Mais il n'osera m'en parler, n'est-ce pas? LISETTE. Oh! ne craignez rien! j'y ai mis bon ordre:[52] il ne s'y jouera pas.[53] Je lui ai t toute esp rance. N'ai-je pas bien fait? LA COMTESSE. Mais oui, sans doute, oui, pourvu que vous ne l'ayez pas brusqu , pourtant. Il falloit y prendre garde: c'est un ami que je veux conserver. Et vous avez quelquefois le ton dur et rev che, Lisette; il valoit mieux le laisser dire. LISETTE. Point du tout. Il vouloit que je vous parlasse en sa faveur. LA COMTESSE. Ce pauvre homme! LISETTE. Et je lui ai r pondu que je ne pouvois pas m'en m ler, que je me brouillerais avec vous si je vous en parlois, que vous me donneriez mon cong , que vous lui donneriez le sien. LA COMTESSE. Le sien. Quelle grossi ret ! Ah! que c'est mal parler! Son cong ? Et m me est-ce que je vous aurois donn le v tre? Vous savez bien que non. D'o vient[54] mentir, Lisette? C'est un ennemi que vous m'allez faire d'un des hommes du monde que je consid re le plus et qui le m rite le mieux. Quel sot langage de domestique! Eh! il toit si simple de vous tenir[55] lui dire: Monsieur, je ne saurois; ce ne sont pas l mes affaires. Parlez-en vous-m me. Et je voudrais qu'il os t m'en parler, pour racommoder un peu votre malhonn tet . Son cong ! son cong ! Il va se croire insult . LISETTE. Eh non, Madame; il toit impossible de vous en d barrasser moins de frais. Faut-il que vous l'aimiez, de peur de le f cher? Voulez-vous tre sa femme par politesse, lui qui doit pouser Hortense? Je ne lui ai rien dit de trop; et vous en voil quitte. Mais je l'aper ois qui vient en r vant. vitez-le, vous avez le temps. LA COMTESSE. L' viter, lui qui me voit! Ah! je m'en garderai bien. Apr s les discours que vous lui avez tenus, il croirait que je les ai dict s. Non, non, je ne changerai rien ma fa on de vivre avec lui. Allez porter ma lettre. LISETTE, _ part_. Hum! il y a ici quelque chose. (_Haut_.) Madame, je suis d'avis de rester aupr s de vous. Cela m'arrive souvent, et vous en serez plus l'abri d'une d claration. LA COMTESSE. Belle finesse! Quand je lui chapperois aujourd'hui, ne me trouvera-t-il pas demain? Il faudrait donc vous avoir toujours mes c t s? Non, non. Partez. S'il me parle, je sais r pondre. LISETTE. Je suis vous dans l'instant; je n'ai qu' donner cette lettre un laquais. LA COMTESSE. Non, Lisette: c'est une lettre de cons quence, et vous me ferez plaisir de la porter vous-m me, parce que, si le courier est pass , vous me la rapporterez, et je l'enverrai par une autre voie. Je ne me fie point aux valets: ils ne sont point exacts. LISETTE. Le courrier ne passe que dans deux heures, Madame. LA COMTESSE. Eh! allez, vous dis-je. Que sait-on? LISETTE, _ part_. Quel pr texte! (_Haut_.) Cette femme-l ne va pas droit avec moi. SC NE VII. LA COMTESSE, _seule_. Elle avoit la fureur de rester. Les domestiques sont ha ssables; il n'y a pas jusqu' leur z le qui ne vous d soblige. C'est toujours de travers qu'ils vous servent. SC NE VIII. LA COMTESSE, L PINE. L PINE. Madame, monsieur le Marquis vous a vue[56] de loin avec Lisette. Il demande s'il n'y a point de mal qu'il approche; il a le d sir de vous consulter, mais il se fait le scrupule[57] de vous tre importun. LA COMTESSE. Lui importun! Il ne sauroit l' tre. Dites-lui que je l'attends, L pine; qu'il vienne. L PINE. Je vais le r jouir de la nouvelle. Vous l'allez voir dans la minute. SC NE IX. L PINE, LE MARQUIS. L PINE, _appelant le Marquis_. Monsieur, venez prendre audience. Madame l'accorde. (_Quand le Marquis est venu, il lui dit part:_) Courage, Monsieur! l'accueil est gracieux, presque tendre: c'est un coeur qui demande qu'on le prenne. SC NE X. LA COMTESSE, LE MARQUIS. LA COMTESSE. Eh! d'o vient donc la c r monie que vous faites, Marquis?... Vous n'y songez pas.[58] LE MARQUIS. Madame, vous avez bien de la bont ... C'est que j'ai bien des choses vous dire. LA COMTESSE. Effectivement, vous me paroissez r veur, inquiet. LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai l'esprit en peine. J'ai besoin de conseil, j'ai besoin de gr ces, et le tout de votre part. LA COMTESSE. Tant mieux. Vous avez encore moins besoin de tout cela que je n'ai d'envie de vous tre bonne quelque chose. LE MARQUIS. O bonne! Il ne tient qu' vous de m' tre excellente, si vous voulez. LA COMTESSE. Comment, si je veux? Manquez-vous de confiance? Ah! je vous prie, ne me m nagez point. Vous pouvez tout sur moi, Marquis; je suis bien aise de vous le dire. LE MARQUIS. Cette assurance m'est bien agr able, et je serois tent d'en abuser. LA COMTESSE. J'ai grand'peur que vous ne r sistiez la tentation. Vous ne comptez pas assez sur vos amis, car vous tes si r serv , si retenu... LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai beaucoup de timidit . LA COMTESSE. Je fais de mon mieux pour vous l' ter, comme vous voyez. LE MARQUIS. Vous savez dans quelle situation je suis avec Hortense; que je dois l' pouser ou lui donner deux cent mille francs. LA COMTESSE. Oui, et je me suis aper ue que vous n'aviez pas grand go t pour elle. LE MARQUIS. Oh! on ne peut pas moins.[59] Je ne l'aime point du tout. LA COMTESSE. Je n'en suis pas surprise: son caract re est si diff rent du v tre! Elle a quelque chose de trop arrang [60] pour vous. LE MARQUIS. Vous y tes. Elle songe trop ses gr ces. Il faudroit toujours l'entretenir de compliments, et moi, ce n'est pas l mon fort. La coquetterie me g ne, elle me rend muet. LA COMTESSE. Ah! ah! je conviens qu'elle en a un peu; mais presque toutes les femmes sont de m me. Vous ne trouverez que cela partout, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Hors chez vous. Quelle diff rence, par exemple! Vous plaisez sans y penser. Ce n'est pas votre faute: vous ne savez pas seulement que vous tes aimable; mais d'autres le savent pour vous. LA COMTESSE. Moi, Marquis, je pense qu' cet gard-l les autres songent aussi peu moi que j'y songe moi-m me. LE MARQUIS. Oh! j'en connois qui ne vous disent pas tout ce qu'ils songent. LA COMTESSE. Eh! qui sont-ils, Marquis? Quelques amis comme vous, sans doute. LE MARQUIS. Bon, des amis! Voil bien de quoi! Vous n'en aurez encore de longtemps.[61] LA COMTESSE. Je vous suis oblig e du petit compliment que vous me faites en passant. LE MARQUIS. Point du tout. Je ne passe jamais, moi; je dis toujours expr s. LA COMTESSE, _riant_. Comment! vous qui ne voulez pas que j'aie encore des amis, est-ce que vous n' tes pas le mien? LE MARQUIS. Vous m'excuserez; mais, quand je serois autre chose,[62] il n'y auroit rien de surprenant. LA COMTESSE. Eh bien! je ne laisserois pas que d'en tre surprise.[63] LE MARQUIS. Et encore plus f ch e. LA COMTESSE. En v rit , surprise. Je veux pourtant croire que je suis aimable, puisque vous le dites. LE MARQUIS. O charmante! Et je serois bien heureux si Hortense vous ressembloit. Je l' pouserois d'un grand coeur, et j'ai bien de la peine m'y r soudre. LA COMTESSE. Je le crois, et ce seroit encore pis si vous aviez de l'inclination pour une autre. LE MARQUIS. Eh bien! c'est que justement le pis s'y trouve. LA COMTESSE, _par exclamation_. Oui? Vous aimez ailleurs? LE MARQUIS. De toute mon me. LA COMTESSE, _en souriant_. Je m'en suis dout e, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Et vous tes-vous dout e de la personne? LA COMTESSE. Non, mais vous me la direz. LE MARQUIS. Vous me feriez grand plaisir de la deviner. LA COMTESSE. Eh! pourquoi m'en donneriez-vous la peine, puisque vous voil ? LE MARQUIS. C'est que vous ne connoissez qu'elle:[64] c'est la plus aimable femme, la plus franche. Vous parlez de gens sans fa on: il n'y a personne comme elle; plus je la vois, plus je l'admire. LA COMTESSE. pousez-la, Marquis, pousez-la, et laissez l Hortense. Il n'y a point h siter: vous n'avez point d'autre parti prendre. LE MARQUIS. Oui, mais je songe une chose... N'y auroit-il pas moyen de me sauver les deux cent mille francs? Je vous parle coeur ouvert. LA COMTESSE. Regardez-moi dans cette occasion-ci comme une autre vous-m me. LE MARQUIS. Ah! que c'est bien dit! une autre moi-m me! LA COMTESSE. Ce qui me pla t en vous, c'est votre franchise, qui est une qualit admirable. Revenons. Comment vous sauver ces deux cent mille francs? LE MARQUIS. C'est que Hortense aime le Chevalier. Mais, propos, c'est votre parent? LA COMTESSE. Oh! parent de loin. LE MARQUIS. Or, de cet amour qu'elle a pour lui, je conclus qu'elle ne se soucie pas de moi. Je n'ai donc qu' faire semblant de vouloir l' pouser. Elle me refusera, et je ne lui devrai plus rien. Son refus me servira de quittance. LA COMTESSE. Oui-da,[65] vous pouvez le tenter. Ce n'est pas qu'il n'y ait du risque:[66] elle a du discernement, Marquis, Vous supposez qu'elle vous refusera; je n'en sais rien: vous n' tes pas homme d daigner. LE MARQUIS. Est-il vrai? LA COMTESSE. C'est mon sentiment. LE MARQUIS. Vous me flattez; vous encouragez ma franchise. LA COMTESSE. Je vous encourage! Eh! mais en tes-vous encore l ? Mettez-vous donc dans l'esprit que je ne demande qu' vous obliger, qu'il n'y a que l'impossible qui m'arr tera, et que vous devez compter sur tout ce qui d pendra de moi. Ne perdez point cela de vue, trange homme que vous tes, et achevez hardiment. Vous voulez des conseils, je vous en

madame

How many times the word 'madame' appears in the text?

Dorante: venez voir votre fille vous ob ir avec plus de joie qu'on n'en eut jamais. DORANTE. Qu'entends-je! vous, son p re, Monsieur? SILVIA. Oui, Dorante. La m me id e de nous conno tre nous est venue tous deux; apr s cela, je n'ai plus rien vous dire. Vous m'aimez, je n'en saurais douter; mais, votre tour, jugez de mes sentiments pour vous; jugez du cas que j'ai fait de votre coeur par la d licatesse avec laquelle j'ai t ch de l'acqu rir. M. ORGON. Connoissez-vous cette lettre-l ? Voil par o j'ai appris votre d guisement, qu'elle n'a pourtant su que par vous. DORANTE. Je ne saurais vous exprimer mon bonheur, Madame;[253] mais ce qui m'enchante le plus, ce sont les preuves que je vous ai donn es de ma tendresse. MARIO. Dorante me pardonne-t-il la col re o j'ai mis Bourguignon? DORANTE. Il ne vous la pardonne pas, il vous en remercie. ARLEQUIN. De la joie, Madame: vous avez perdu votre rang; mais vous n' tes point plaindre, puisqu'Arlequin vous reste. LISETTE. Belle consolation! il n'y a que toi qui gagne cela. ARLEQUIN. Je n'y perds pas. Avant notre reconnoissance, votre dot valoit mieux que vous; pr sent, vous valez mieux que votre dot. Allons, saute, marquis![254] * * * * * LE LEGS COM DIE EN UN ACTE, EN PROSE ACTEURS. LA COMTESSE. LE MARQUIS. HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. LISETTE,[1] suivante de la Comtesse. L PINE,[2] valet de chambre du Marquis. SC NE PREMI RE. LE CHEVALIER, HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. La d marche que vous allez faire aupr s du Marquis m'alarme. HORTENSE. Je ne risque rien, vous dis-je. Raisonnons. D funt son parent et le mien lui laisse six cent mille francs, la charge, il est vrai, de m' pouser ou de m'en donner deux cent mille: cela est son choix; mais le Marquis ne sent rien pour moi. Je suis s re qu'il a de l'inclination pour la Comtesse; d'ailleurs, il est d j assez riche par lui-m me: voil encore une succession de six cent mille francs qui lui vient, laquelle il ne s'attendoit pas; et vous croyez que, plut t que d'en distraire deux cent mille, il aimera mieux m' pouser, moi qui lui suis indiff rente, pendant qu'il a de l'amour pour la Comtesse, qui peut- tre ne le hait pas, et qui a plus de bien que moi? Il n'y a pas d'apparence. LE CHEVALIER. Mais quoi jugez-vous que la Comtesse ne le hait pas? HORTENSE. A mille petites remarques que je fais tous les jours, et je n'en suis pas surprise. Du caract re dont elle est, celui du Marquis doit tre de son go t. La Comtesse est une femme brusque, qui aime primer, gouverner, tre la ma tresse. Le Marquis est un homme doux, paisible, ais conduire; et voil ce qu'il faut la Comtesse. Aussi ne parle-t-elle de lui qu'avec loge. Son air de na vet lui pla t: c'est, dit-elle, le meilleur homme, le plus complaisant, le plus sociable. D'ailleurs, le Marquis est d'un ge qui lui convient; elle n'est plus de cette grande jeunesse:[3] il a trente-cinq ou quarante ans, et je vois bien qu'elle seroit charm e de vivre avec lui. LE CHEVALIER. J'ai peur que l' v nement[4] ne vous trompe. Ce n'est pas un petit objet que deux cent mille francs qu'il faudra qu'on vous donne si l'on ne vous pouse pas; et puis, quand le Marquis et la Comtesse s'aimeroient, de l'humeur dont ils sont tous deux, ils auront bien de la peine se le dire. HORTENSE. Oh! moyennant[5] l'embarras o je vais jeter le Marquis, il faudra bien qu'il parle; et je veux savoir quoi m'en tenir. Depuis le temps que nous sommes cette campagne,[6] chez la Comtesse, il ne me dit rien. Il y a six semaines qu'il se tait; je veux qu'il s'explique. Je ne perdrai pas le legs qui me revient si je n' pouse point le Marquis. LE CHEVALIER. Mais s'il accepte votre main? HORTENSE. Eh! non! vous dis-je. Laissez-moi faire. Je crois qu'il esp re que ce sera moi qui le refuserai. Peut- tre m me feindra-t-il de consentir notre union; mais que cela ne vous pouvante pas. Vous n' tes point assez riche pour m' pouser avec deux cent mille francs de moins: je suis bien aise de vous les apporter en mariage. Je suis persuad e que la Comtesse et le Marquis ne se ha ssent pas. Voyons ce que me diront l -dessus L pine et Lisette, qui vont venir me parler. L'un, est un Gascon froid,[7] mais adroit; Lisette a de l'esprit. Je sais qu'ils ont tous deux la confiance de leurs ma tres; je les int resserai m'instruire, et tout ira bien. Les voil qui viennent. Retirez-vous. SC NE II. LISETTE, L PINE, HORTENSE. HORTENSE. Venez, Lisette; approchez. LISETTE. Que souhaitez-vous de nous, Madame? HORTENSE. Rien que vous ne puissiez me dire sans blesser la fid lit que vous devez, vous au Marquis, et vous la Comtesse. LISETTE. Tant mieux, Madame. L PINE. Ce d but encourage. Nos services vous sont acquis. HORTENSE, _tire quelque argent de sa poche._ Tenez, Lisette, tout service m rite r compense. LISETTE, _refusant d'abord._ Du moins, Madame, faudroit-il savoir auparavant de quoi il s'agit. HORTENSE. Prenez; je vous le donne, quoi qu'il arrive. Voil pour vous, monsieur de L pine.[8] L PINE. Madame, je serois volontiers de l'avis de Mademoiselle; mais je prends. Le respect d fend que je raisonne. HORTENSE. Je ne pr tends vous engager en rien, et voici de quoi il est question. Le Marquis, votre ma tre, vous estime, L pine? L PINE, _froidement._ Extr mement, Madame; il me conno t. HORTENSE. Je remarque qu'il vous confie ais ment ce qu'il pense. L PINE. Oui. Madame, de toutes ses pens es incontinent[9] j'en ai copie; il n'en sait pas le compte mieux que moi. HORTENSE. Vous, Lisette, vous tes sur le m me ton[10] avec la Comtesse? LISETTE. J'ai cet honneur-l , Madame. HORTENSE. Dites-moi, L pine, je me figure que le Marquis aime la Comtesse. Me tromp -je? Il n'y a point d'inconv nient me dire ce qui en est. L PINE. Je n'affirme rien; mais patience: nous devons ce soir nous entretenir l -dessus. HORTENSE. Eh! soup onnez-vous qu'il l'aime? L PINE. De soup ons,[11] j'en ai de violents. Je m'en claircirai tant t. HORTENSE. Et vous, Lisette, quel est votre sentiment sur la Comtesse? LISETTE. Qu'elle ne songe point du tout au Marquis, Madame. L PINE. Je diff re avec vous de pens e.[12] HORTENSE. Je crois aussi qu'ils s'aiment. Et supposons que je ne me trompe pas: du caract re dont ils sont, ils auront de la peine s'en parler. Vous, L pine, voudriez-vous exciter le Marquis le d clarer la Comtesse? Et vous, Lisette, disposer la Comtesse se l'entendre dire? Ce sera une industrie fort innocente. L PINE. Et m me louable. LISETTE, _rendant l'argent._ Madame, permettez que je vous rende votre argent. HORTENSE, Gardez. D'o vient?[13] LISETTE. C'est qu'il me semble que voil , pr cis ment le service que vous exigez de moi, et c'est pr cis ment celui que je ne puis vous rendre. Ma ma tresse est veuve, elle est tranquille; son tat est heureux; ce seroit dommage de l'en tirer: je prie le Ciel qu'elle y reste. L PINE, _froidement._ Quant moi, je garde mon lot: rien ne m'oblige restitution. J'ai la volont de vous tre utile. Monsieur le Marquis vit dans le c libat; mais le mariage, il est bon, tr s bon; il a ses peines: chaque tat a les siennes; quelquefois le mien me p se. Le tout est gal.[14] Oui, je vous servirai, Madame, je vous servirai; je n'y vois point de mal. On s' pouse de tout temps, on s' pousera toujours; on n'a que cette honn te ressource quand on aime. HORTENSE. Vous me surprenez, Lisette, d'autant plus que je m'imaginois que vous pouviez vous aimer tous deux. LISETTE. C'est de quoi il n'est pas question de ma part. L PINE. De la mienne, j'en suis demeur l'estime. N anmoins, Mademoiselle est aimable; mais j'ai pass mon chemin sans y prendre garde. LISETTE. J'esp re que vous penserez toujours de m me. HORTENSE. Voil ce que j'avois vous dire. Adieu, Lisette; vous ferez ce qu'il vous plaira. Je ne vous demande que le secret. J'accepte vos services, L pine. SC NE III. L PINE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Nous n'avons rien nous dire, mons[15] de L pine. J'ai affaire, et je vous laisse. L PINE. Doucement, Mademoiselle; retardez d'un moment. Je trouve propos de vous informer d'un petit accident qui m'arrive. LISETTE. Voyons. L PINE. D'homme d'honneur,[16] je n'avois pas envisag vos gr ces; je ne connoissois pas votre mine. LISETTE. Qu'importe? Je vous en offre autant:[17] c'est tout au plus si je connois actuellement la v tre.[18] L PINE. Cette dame se figuroit que nous nous aimions. LISETTE. Eh bien! elle se figuroit mal. L PINE. Attendez, voici l'accident: son discours a fait que mes yeux se sont arr t s dessus[19] vous plus attentivement que de coutume. LISETTE. Vos yeux ont pris bien de la peine. L PINE. Et vous tes jolie, sandis![20] oh! tr s jolie! LISETTE. Ma foi, monsieur de L pine, vous tes tr s galant, oh! tr s galant. Mais l'ennui me prend d s qu'on me loue. Abr geons; est-ce l tout? L PINE. A mon exemple, envisagez-moi, je vous prie; faites-en l' preuve. LISETTE. Oui-da![21] Tenez, je vous regarde. L PINE. Eh donc! Est-ce l ce L pine que vous connoissiez? N'y voyez-vous rien[22] de nouveau? Que vous dit le coeur? LISETTE. Pas le mot; il n'y a rien l pour lui. L PINE. Quelquefois pourtant nombre de gens ont estim que j' tois un gar on assez revenant;[23] mais nous y retournerons: c'est partie remettre. coutez le restant. Il est certain que mon ma tre distingue[24] tendrement votre ma tresse. Aujourd'hui m me il m'a confi qu'il m ditoit de vous communiquer ses sentiments. LISETTE. Comme il lui plaira. La r ponse que j'aurai l'honneur de lui communiquer sera courte. L PINE. Remarquons d'abondance[25] que la Comtesse se pla t avec mon ma tre, qu'elle a l' me joyeuse en le voyant. Vous me direz que nos gens[26] sont d' tranges personnes, et je vous l'accorde. Le Marquis, homme tout simple, peu hasardeux dans le discours, n'osera jamais aventurer la d claration, et, des d clarations, la Comtesse les pouvante:[27] femme qui n glige les compliments, qui vous parle entre l'aigre et le doux, et dont l'entretien a je ne sais quoi de sec, de froid, de purement raisonnable. Le moyen que l'amour puisse tre mis en avant avec cette femme! Il ne sera jamais propos de lui dire: Je vous aime, moins qu'on ne lui dise[28] propos de rien. Cette mati re, avec elle, ne peut tomber que des nues. On dit qu'elle traite l'amour de bagatelle d'enfant; moi, je pr tends qu'elle a pris go t cette enfance.[29] Dans cette conjoncture, j'opine que nous encouragions ces deux personnages. Qu'en sera-t-il?[30] Qu'ils s'aimeront bonnement, en toute simplesse,[31] et qu'ils s' pouseront de m me. Qu'en sera-t-il? Qu'en me voyant votre camarade, vous me rendrez votre mari par la douce habitude de me voir. Eh donc! Parlez: tes-vous d'accord? LISETTE. Non. L PINE. Mademoiselle, est-ce mon amour qui vous d pla t? LISETTE. Oui. L PINE. En peu de mots vous dites beaucoup. Mais consid rez l'occurrence:[32] je vous pr dis que nos ma tres se marieront: que la commodit vous tente.[33] LISETTE. Je vous pr dis qu'ils ne se marieront point: je ne veux pas, moi. Ma ma tresse, comme vous dites fort habilement, tient l'amour au-dessous d'elle, et j'aurai soin de l'entretenir dans cette humeur, attendu qu'il n'est pas de mon petit int r t qu'elle se marie. Ma condition n'en seroit pas si bonne, entendez-vous? Il n'y a pas d'apparence que la Comtesse y gagne, et moi j'y perdrais beaucoup. J'ai fait un petit calcul l -dessus, au moyen duquel je trouve que tous vos arrangements me d rangent et ne me valent rien.[34] Ainsi, quelque jolie que je sois, continuez de n'en rien voir; laissez-la la d couverte que vous avez faite de mes gr ces, et passez toujours sans y prendre garde. L PINE, _froidement._ Je les ai vues, Mademoiselle; j'en suis frapp , et n'ai de rem de que votre coeur. LISETTE. Tenez-vous donc pour incurable. L PINE. Me donnez-vous votre dernier mot? LISETTE. Je n'y changerai pas une syllabe. (_Elle veut s'en aller._) L PINE, _l'arr tant_. Permettez que je reparte.[35] Vous calculez, moi de m me. Selon vous, il ne faut pas que nos gens se marient; il faut qu'ils s' pousent, selon moi: je le pr tends. LISETTE. Mauvaise gasconnade! L PINE. Patience. Je vous aime, et vous me refusez le r ciproque? Je calcule qu'il me fait besoin,[36] et je l'aurai, sandis![37] Je le pr tends. LISETTE. Vous ne l'aurez pas, sandis! L PINE. J'ai tout dit. Laissez parler mon ma tre, qui nous arrive. SC NE IV. LE MARQUIS, L PINE, LISETTE. LE MARQUIS. Ah! vous voici, Lisette! Je suis bien aise de vous trouver. LISETTE. Je vous suis oblig e, Monsieur; mais je m'en allois. LE MARQUIS. Vous vous en alliez? J'avois pourtant quelque chose vous dire. tes-vous un peu de nos amis? L PINE. Petitement. LISETTE. J'ai beaucoup d'estime et de respect pour monsieur le Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Tout de bon? Vous me faites plaisir, Lisette. Je fais beaucoup de cas de vous aussi; vous me paroissez une tr s bonne fille, et vous tes une ma tresse qui a bien du m rite. LISETTE. Il y a longtemps que je le sais, Monsieur. LE MARQUIS. Ne vous parle-t-elle jamais de moi? Que vous en dit-elle? LISETTE. Oh! rien. LE MARQUIS. C'est que, entre nous, il n'y a point de femme que j'aime tant qu'elle. LISETTE. Qu'appelez-vous aimer, monsieur le Marquis? Est-ce de l'amour que vous entendez? LE MARQUIS. Eh! mais oui, de l'amour, de l'inclination, comme tu voudras: le nom n'y fait rien. Je l'aime mieux qu'une autre.[38] Voil tout. LISETTE. Cela se peut. LE MARQUIS. Mais elle n'en sait rien; je n'ai pas os le lui apprendre. Je n'ai pas trop le talent de parler d'amour. LISETTE. C'est ce qui me semble. LE MARQUIS. Oui, cela m'embarrasse; et, comme ta ma tresse est une femme fort raisonnable, j'ai peur qu'elle ne se moque de moi, et je ne saurois plus que lui dire: de sorte que j'ai r v qu'il seroit bon que tu la pr vinsses en ma faveur. LISETTE. Je vous demande pardon, Monsieur; mais il falloit r ver tout le contraire. Je ne puis rien pour vous, en v rit . LE MARQUIS. Eh! d'o vient?[39] Je t'aurai grande obligation. Je payerai bien tes peines. (_Montrant L pine._) Et, si ce gar on-l te convenoit, je vous ferois un fort bon parti[40] tous les deux. L PINE, _froidement, et sans regarder Lisette_. Derechef,[41] recueillez-vous l -dessus, Mademoiselle. LISETTE. Il n'y a pas moyen, monsieur le Marquis. Si je parlois de vos sentiments ma ma tresse, vous avez beau dire que le nom n'y fait rien, je me brouillerais[42] avec elle; je vous y brouillerais vous-m me. Ne la connoissez-vous pas? LE MARQUIS. Tu crois donc qu'il n'y a rien faire? LISETTE. Absolument rien. LE MARQUIS. Tant pis. Cela me chagrine. Elle me fait tant d'amiti ,[43] cette femme! Allons, il ne faut donc plus y penser. L PINE, _froidement_. Monsieur, ne vous d confortez[44] pas. Du r cit de Mademoiselle, n'en tenez compte;[45] elle vous triche. Retirons-nous. Venez me consulter l' cart; je serai plus consolant. Partons. LE MARQUIS. Viens. Voyons ce que tu as me dire. Adieu, Lisette. Ne me nuis pas, voil tout ce que j'exige. SC NE V. L PINE, LISETTE. L PINE. N'exigez rien: ne g nons point Mademoiselle. Soyons galamment ennemis d clar s; faisons-nous du mal en toute franchise. Adieu, gentille personne. Je vous ch ris ni plus ni moins: gardez-moi votre coeur: c'est un d p t que je vous laisse. LISETTE. Adieu, mon pauvre L pine. Vous tes peut- tre de tous les fous de la Garonne[46] le plus effront , mais aussi le plus divertissant. SC NE VI. LA COMTESSE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Voici ma ma tresse. De l'humeur dont elle est, je crois que cet amour-ci ne la divertira gu re. Gare[47] que le Marquis ne soit bient t cong di ! LA COMTESSE, _tenant une lettre_. Tenez, Lisette, dites qu'on porte cette lettre la poste. En voil dix que j' cris depuis trois semaines. La sotte chose qu'un proc s! Que j'en suis lasse! Je ne m' tonne pas s'il y a tant de femmes qui se marient! LISETTE, _riant_. Bon! votre proc s! une affaire de mille francs! Voil quelque chose de bien consid rable pour vous! Avez-vous envie de vous remarier? J'ai votre affaire. LA COMTESSE. Qu'est-ce que c'est qu'envie de me remarier? Pourquoi me dites-vous cela? LISETTE. Ne vous f chez pas; je ne veux que vous divertir. LA COMTESSE. Ce pourrait tre quelqu'un de Paris qui vous auroit fait une confidence. En tout cas, ne me le nommez pas. LISETTE. Oh! il faut pourtant que vous connoissiez celui dont je parle. LA COMTESSE. Brisons l -dessus. Je r ve une chose: le Marquis n'a ici qu'un valet de chambre, dont il a peut- tre besoin, et je voulois lui demander s'il n'a pas quelque paquet mettre la poste: on le porteroit avec le mien. O est-il, le Marquis? L'as-tu vu ce matin? LISETTE. Oh! oui. Malepeste![48] il a ses raisons pour tre veill de bonne heure! Revenons au mari que j'ai vous donner, celui qui br le pour vous et que vous avez enflamm de passion... LA COMTESSE. Qui est ce ben t-l ? LISETTE. Vous le devinez. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui br le est un sot. Je ne veux rien savoir de Paris. LISETTE. Ce n'est point de Paris: votre conqu te est dans le ch teau. Vous l'appellez ben t; moi, je vais le flatter: c'est un soupirant qui a l'air fort simple, un air de bon homme. Y tes-vous? LA COMTESSE. Nullement. Qui est-ce qui ressemble celui-ci? LISETTE. Eh! le Marquis. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui est avec nous? LISETTE. Lui-m me. LA COMTESSE. Je n'avois garde d'y tre.[49] O as-tu pris son air simple et de bon homme? Dis donc un air franc et ouvert, la bonne heure: il sera reconnoissable. LISETTE. Ma foi, Madame, je vous le rends comme je le vois. LA COMTESSE. Tu le vois tr s mal, on ne peut pas plus mal: en mille ans on ne le devineroit pas ce portrait-l . Mais de qui tiens-tu ce que tu me contes de son amour? LISETTE. De lui, qui me l'a dit; rien que cela. N'en riez-vous pas? Ne faites pas semblant de le savoir. Au reste, il n'y a qu' vous en d faire tout doucement. LA COMTESSE. H las! je ne lui en veux point de mal.[50] C'est un fort honn te homme, un homme dont je fais cas, qui a d'excellentes qualit s; et j'aime encore mieux que ce soit lui qu'un autre. Mais ne te trompes-tu pas aussi? Il ne t'aura peut- tre parl que d'estime: il en a beaucoup pour moi, beaucoup; il me l'a marqu e en mille occasions d'une mani re fort obligeante. LISETTE. Non, Madame, c'est de l'amour qui regarde vos appas; il en a prononc le mot sans bredouiller comme l'ordinaire. C'est de la flamme... Il languit, il soupire. LA COMTESSE. Est-il possible? Sur ce pied-l , je le plains, car ce n'est pas un tourdi: il faut qu'il le sente, puisqu'il le dit; et ce n'est pas de ces gens-l dont[51] je me moque: jamais leur amour n'est ridicule. Mais il n'osera m'en parler, n'est-ce pas? LISETTE. Oh! ne craignez rien! j'y ai mis bon ordre:[52] il ne s'y jouera pas.[53] Je lui ai t toute esp rance. N'ai-je pas bien fait? LA COMTESSE. Mais oui, sans doute, oui, pourvu que vous ne l'ayez pas brusqu , pourtant. Il falloit y prendre garde: c'est un ami que je veux conserver. Et vous avez quelquefois le ton dur et rev che, Lisette; il valoit mieux le laisser dire. LISETTE. Point du tout. Il vouloit que je vous parlasse en sa faveur. LA COMTESSE. Ce pauvre homme! LISETTE. Et je lui ai r pondu que je ne pouvois pas m'en m ler, que je me brouillerais avec vous si je vous en parlois, que vous me donneriez mon cong , que vous lui donneriez le sien. LA COMTESSE. Le sien. Quelle grossi ret ! Ah! que c'est mal parler! Son cong ? Et m me est-ce que je vous aurois donn le v tre? Vous savez bien que non. D'o vient[54] mentir, Lisette? C'est un ennemi que vous m'allez faire d'un des hommes du monde que je consid re le plus et qui le m rite le mieux. Quel sot langage de domestique! Eh! il toit si simple de vous tenir[55] lui dire: Monsieur, je ne saurois; ce ne sont pas l mes affaires. Parlez-en vous-m me. Et je voudrais qu'il os t m'en parler, pour racommoder un peu votre malhonn tet . Son cong ! son cong ! Il va se croire insult . LISETTE. Eh non, Madame; il toit impossible de vous en d barrasser moins de frais. Faut-il que vous l'aimiez, de peur de le f cher? Voulez-vous tre sa femme par politesse, lui qui doit pouser Hortense? Je ne lui ai rien dit de trop; et vous en voil quitte. Mais je l'aper ois qui vient en r vant. vitez-le, vous avez le temps. LA COMTESSE. L' viter, lui qui me voit! Ah! je m'en garderai bien. Apr s les discours que vous lui avez tenus, il croirait que je les ai dict s. Non, non, je ne changerai rien ma fa on de vivre avec lui. Allez porter ma lettre. LISETTE, _ part_. Hum! il y a ici quelque chose. (_Haut_.) Madame, je suis d'avis de rester aupr s de vous. Cela m'arrive souvent, et vous en serez plus l'abri d'une d claration. LA COMTESSE. Belle finesse! Quand je lui chapperois aujourd'hui, ne me trouvera-t-il pas demain? Il faudrait donc vous avoir toujours mes c t s? Non, non. Partez. S'il me parle, je sais r pondre. LISETTE. Je suis vous dans l'instant; je n'ai qu' donner cette lettre un laquais. LA COMTESSE. Non, Lisette: c'est une lettre de cons quence, et vous me ferez plaisir de la porter vous-m me, parce que, si le courier est pass , vous me la rapporterez, et je l'enverrai par une autre voie. Je ne me fie point aux valets: ils ne sont point exacts. LISETTE. Le courrier ne passe que dans deux heures, Madame. LA COMTESSE. Eh! allez, vous dis-je. Que sait-on? LISETTE, _ part_. Quel pr texte! (_Haut_.) Cette femme-l ne va pas droit avec moi. SC NE VII. LA COMTESSE, _seule_. Elle avoit la fureur de rester. Les domestiques sont ha ssables; il n'y a pas jusqu' leur z le qui ne vous d soblige. C'est toujours de travers qu'ils vous servent. SC NE VIII. LA COMTESSE, L PINE. L PINE. Madame, monsieur le Marquis vous a vue[56] de loin avec Lisette. Il demande s'il n'y a point de mal qu'il approche; il a le d sir de vous consulter, mais il se fait le scrupule[57] de vous tre importun. LA COMTESSE. Lui importun! Il ne sauroit l' tre. Dites-lui que je l'attends, L pine; qu'il vienne. L PINE. Je vais le r jouir de la nouvelle. Vous l'allez voir dans la minute. SC NE IX. L PINE, LE MARQUIS. L PINE, _appelant le Marquis_. Monsieur, venez prendre audience. Madame l'accorde. (_Quand le Marquis est venu, il lui dit part:_) Courage, Monsieur! l'accueil est gracieux, presque tendre: c'est un coeur qui demande qu'on le prenne. SC NE X. LA COMTESSE, LE MARQUIS. LA COMTESSE. Eh! d'o vient donc la c r monie que vous faites, Marquis?... Vous n'y songez pas.[58] LE MARQUIS. Madame, vous avez bien de la bont ... C'est que j'ai bien des choses vous dire. LA COMTESSE. Effectivement, vous me paroissez r veur, inquiet. LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai l'esprit en peine. J'ai besoin de conseil, j'ai besoin de gr ces, et le tout de votre part. LA COMTESSE. Tant mieux. Vous avez encore moins besoin de tout cela que je n'ai d'envie de vous tre bonne quelque chose. LE MARQUIS. O bonne! Il ne tient qu' vous de m' tre excellente, si vous voulez. LA COMTESSE. Comment, si je veux? Manquez-vous de confiance? Ah! je vous prie, ne me m nagez point. Vous pouvez tout sur moi, Marquis; je suis bien aise de vous le dire. LE MARQUIS. Cette assurance m'est bien agr able, et je serois tent d'en abuser. LA COMTESSE. J'ai grand'peur que vous ne r sistiez la tentation. Vous ne comptez pas assez sur vos amis, car vous tes si r serv , si retenu... LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai beaucoup de timidit . LA COMTESSE. Je fais de mon mieux pour vous l' ter, comme vous voyez. LE MARQUIS. Vous savez dans quelle situation je suis avec Hortense; que je dois l' pouser ou lui donner deux cent mille francs. LA COMTESSE. Oui, et je me suis aper ue que vous n'aviez pas grand go t pour elle. LE MARQUIS. Oh! on ne peut pas moins.[59] Je ne l'aime point du tout. LA COMTESSE. Je n'en suis pas surprise: son caract re est si diff rent du v tre! Elle a quelque chose de trop arrang [60] pour vous. LE MARQUIS. Vous y tes. Elle songe trop ses gr ces. Il faudroit toujours l'entretenir de compliments, et moi, ce n'est pas l mon fort. La coquetterie me g ne, elle me rend muet. LA COMTESSE. Ah! ah! je conviens qu'elle en a un peu; mais presque toutes les femmes sont de m me. Vous ne trouverez que cela partout, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Hors chez vous. Quelle diff rence, par exemple! Vous plaisez sans y penser. Ce n'est pas votre faute: vous ne savez pas seulement que vous tes aimable; mais d'autres le savent pour vous. LA COMTESSE. Moi, Marquis, je pense qu' cet gard-l les autres songent aussi peu moi que j'y songe moi-m me. LE MARQUIS. Oh! j'en connois qui ne vous disent pas tout ce qu'ils songent. LA COMTESSE. Eh! qui sont-ils, Marquis? Quelques amis comme vous, sans doute. LE MARQUIS. Bon, des amis! Voil bien de quoi! Vous n'en aurez encore de longtemps.[61] LA COMTESSE. Je vous suis oblig e du petit compliment que vous me faites en passant. LE MARQUIS. Point du tout. Je ne passe jamais, moi; je dis toujours expr s. LA COMTESSE, _riant_. Comment! vous qui ne voulez pas que j'aie encore des amis, est-ce que vous n' tes pas le mien? LE MARQUIS. Vous m'excuserez; mais, quand je serois autre chose,[62] il n'y auroit rien de surprenant. LA COMTESSE. Eh bien! je ne laisserois pas que d'en tre surprise.[63] LE MARQUIS. Et encore plus f ch e. LA COMTESSE. En v rit , surprise. Je veux pourtant croire que je suis aimable, puisque vous le dites. LE MARQUIS. O charmante! Et je serois bien heureux si Hortense vous ressembloit. Je l' pouserois d'un grand coeur, et j'ai bien de la peine m'y r soudre. LA COMTESSE. Je le crois, et ce seroit encore pis si vous aviez de l'inclination pour une autre. LE MARQUIS. Eh bien! c'est que justement le pis s'y trouve. LA COMTESSE, _par exclamation_. Oui? Vous aimez ailleurs? LE MARQUIS. De toute mon me. LA COMTESSE, _en souriant_. Je m'en suis dout e, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Et vous tes-vous dout e de la personne? LA COMTESSE. Non, mais vous me la direz. LE MARQUIS. Vous me feriez grand plaisir de la deviner. LA COMTESSE. Eh! pourquoi m'en donneriez-vous la peine, puisque vous voil ? LE MARQUIS. C'est que vous ne connoissez qu'elle:[64] c'est la plus aimable femme, la plus franche. Vous parlez de gens sans fa on: il n'y a personne comme elle; plus je la vois, plus je l'admire. LA COMTESSE. pousez-la, Marquis, pousez-la, et laissez l Hortense. Il n'y a point h siter: vous n'avez point d'autre parti prendre. LE MARQUIS. Oui, mais je songe une chose... N'y auroit-il pas moyen de me sauver les deux cent mille francs? Je vous parle coeur ouvert. LA COMTESSE. Regardez-moi dans cette occasion-ci comme une autre vous-m me. LE MARQUIS. Ah! que c'est bien dit! une autre moi-m me! LA COMTESSE. Ce qui me pla t en vous, c'est votre franchise, qui est une qualit admirable. Revenons. Comment vous sauver ces deux cent mille francs? LE MARQUIS. C'est que Hortense aime le Chevalier. Mais, propos, c'est votre parent? LA COMTESSE. Oh! parent de loin. LE MARQUIS. Or, de cet amour qu'elle a pour lui, je conclus qu'elle ne se soucie pas de moi. Je n'ai donc qu' faire semblant de vouloir l' pouser. Elle me refusera, et je ne lui devrai plus rien. Son refus me servira de quittance. LA COMTESSE. Oui-da,[65] vous pouvez le tenter. Ce n'est pas qu'il n'y ait du risque:[66] elle a du discernement, Marquis, Vous supposez qu'elle vous refusera; je n'en sais rien: vous n' tes pas homme d daigner. LE MARQUIS. Est-il vrai? LA COMTESSE. C'est mon sentiment. LE MARQUIS. Vous me flattez; vous encouragez ma franchise. LA COMTESSE. Je vous encourage! Eh! mais en tes-vous encore l ? Mettez-vous donc dans l'esprit que je ne demande qu' vous obliger, qu'il n'y a que l'impossible qui m'arr tera, et que vous devez compter sur tout ce qui d pendra de moi. Ne perdez point cela de vue, trange homme que vous tes, et achevez hardiment. Vous voulez des conseils, je vous en

m'aimez

How many times the word 'm'aimez' appears in the text?

Dorante: venez voir votre fille vous ob ir avec plus de joie qu'on n'en eut jamais. DORANTE. Qu'entends-je! vous, son p re, Monsieur? SILVIA. Oui, Dorante. La m me id e de nous conno tre nous est venue tous deux; apr s cela, je n'ai plus rien vous dire. Vous m'aimez, je n'en saurais douter; mais, votre tour, jugez de mes sentiments pour vous; jugez du cas que j'ai fait de votre coeur par la d licatesse avec laquelle j'ai t ch de l'acqu rir. M. ORGON. Connoissez-vous cette lettre-l ? Voil par o j'ai appris votre d guisement, qu'elle n'a pourtant su que par vous. DORANTE. Je ne saurais vous exprimer mon bonheur, Madame;[253] mais ce qui m'enchante le plus, ce sont les preuves que je vous ai donn es de ma tendresse. MARIO. Dorante me pardonne-t-il la col re o j'ai mis Bourguignon? DORANTE. Il ne vous la pardonne pas, il vous en remercie. ARLEQUIN. De la joie, Madame: vous avez perdu votre rang; mais vous n' tes point plaindre, puisqu'Arlequin vous reste. LISETTE. Belle consolation! il n'y a que toi qui gagne cela. ARLEQUIN. Je n'y perds pas. Avant notre reconnoissance, votre dot valoit mieux que vous; pr sent, vous valez mieux que votre dot. Allons, saute, marquis![254] * * * * * LE LEGS COM DIE EN UN ACTE, EN PROSE ACTEURS. LA COMTESSE. LE MARQUIS. HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. LISETTE,[1] suivante de la Comtesse. L PINE,[2] valet de chambre du Marquis. SC NE PREMI RE. LE CHEVALIER, HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. La d marche que vous allez faire aupr s du Marquis m'alarme. HORTENSE. Je ne risque rien, vous dis-je. Raisonnons. D funt son parent et le mien lui laisse six cent mille francs, la charge, il est vrai, de m' pouser ou de m'en donner deux cent mille: cela est son choix; mais le Marquis ne sent rien pour moi. Je suis s re qu'il a de l'inclination pour la Comtesse; d'ailleurs, il est d j assez riche par lui-m me: voil encore une succession de six cent mille francs qui lui vient, laquelle il ne s'attendoit pas; et vous croyez que, plut t que d'en distraire deux cent mille, il aimera mieux m' pouser, moi qui lui suis indiff rente, pendant qu'il a de l'amour pour la Comtesse, qui peut- tre ne le hait pas, et qui a plus de bien que moi? Il n'y a pas d'apparence. LE CHEVALIER. Mais quoi jugez-vous que la Comtesse ne le hait pas? HORTENSE. A mille petites remarques que je fais tous les jours, et je n'en suis pas surprise. Du caract re dont elle est, celui du Marquis doit tre de son go t. La Comtesse est une femme brusque, qui aime primer, gouverner, tre la ma tresse. Le Marquis est un homme doux, paisible, ais conduire; et voil ce qu'il faut la Comtesse. Aussi ne parle-t-elle de lui qu'avec loge. Son air de na vet lui pla t: c'est, dit-elle, le meilleur homme, le plus complaisant, le plus sociable. D'ailleurs, le Marquis est d'un ge qui lui convient; elle n'est plus de cette grande jeunesse:[3] il a trente-cinq ou quarante ans, et je vois bien qu'elle seroit charm e de vivre avec lui. LE CHEVALIER. J'ai peur que l' v nement[4] ne vous trompe. Ce n'est pas un petit objet que deux cent mille francs qu'il faudra qu'on vous donne si l'on ne vous pouse pas; et puis, quand le Marquis et la Comtesse s'aimeroient, de l'humeur dont ils sont tous deux, ils auront bien de la peine se le dire. HORTENSE. Oh! moyennant[5] l'embarras o je vais jeter le Marquis, il faudra bien qu'il parle; et je veux savoir quoi m'en tenir. Depuis le temps que nous sommes cette campagne,[6] chez la Comtesse, il ne me dit rien. Il y a six semaines qu'il se tait; je veux qu'il s'explique. Je ne perdrai pas le legs qui me revient si je n' pouse point le Marquis. LE CHEVALIER. Mais s'il accepte votre main? HORTENSE. Eh! non! vous dis-je. Laissez-moi faire. Je crois qu'il esp re que ce sera moi qui le refuserai. Peut- tre m me feindra-t-il de consentir notre union; mais que cela ne vous pouvante pas. Vous n' tes point assez riche pour m' pouser avec deux cent mille francs de moins: je suis bien aise de vous les apporter en mariage. Je suis persuad e que la Comtesse et le Marquis ne se ha ssent pas. Voyons ce que me diront l -dessus L pine et Lisette, qui vont venir me parler. L'un, est un Gascon froid,[7] mais adroit; Lisette a de l'esprit. Je sais qu'ils ont tous deux la confiance de leurs ma tres; je les int resserai m'instruire, et tout ira bien. Les voil qui viennent. Retirez-vous. SC NE II. LISETTE, L PINE, HORTENSE. HORTENSE. Venez, Lisette; approchez. LISETTE. Que souhaitez-vous de nous, Madame? HORTENSE. Rien que vous ne puissiez me dire sans blesser la fid lit que vous devez, vous au Marquis, et vous la Comtesse. LISETTE. Tant mieux, Madame. L PINE. Ce d but encourage. Nos services vous sont acquis. HORTENSE, _tire quelque argent de sa poche._ Tenez, Lisette, tout service m rite r compense. LISETTE, _refusant d'abord._ Du moins, Madame, faudroit-il savoir auparavant de quoi il s'agit. HORTENSE. Prenez; je vous le donne, quoi qu'il arrive. Voil pour vous, monsieur de L pine.[8] L PINE. Madame, je serois volontiers de l'avis de Mademoiselle; mais je prends. Le respect d fend que je raisonne. HORTENSE. Je ne pr tends vous engager en rien, et voici de quoi il est question. Le Marquis, votre ma tre, vous estime, L pine? L PINE, _froidement._ Extr mement, Madame; il me conno t. HORTENSE. Je remarque qu'il vous confie ais ment ce qu'il pense. L PINE. Oui. Madame, de toutes ses pens es incontinent[9] j'en ai copie; il n'en sait pas le compte mieux que moi. HORTENSE. Vous, Lisette, vous tes sur le m me ton[10] avec la Comtesse? LISETTE. J'ai cet honneur-l , Madame. HORTENSE. Dites-moi, L pine, je me figure que le Marquis aime la Comtesse. Me tromp -je? Il n'y a point d'inconv nient me dire ce qui en est. L PINE. Je n'affirme rien; mais patience: nous devons ce soir nous entretenir l -dessus. HORTENSE. Eh! soup onnez-vous qu'il l'aime? L PINE. De soup ons,[11] j'en ai de violents. Je m'en claircirai tant t. HORTENSE. Et vous, Lisette, quel est votre sentiment sur la Comtesse? LISETTE. Qu'elle ne songe point du tout au Marquis, Madame. L PINE. Je diff re avec vous de pens e.[12] HORTENSE. Je crois aussi qu'ils s'aiment. Et supposons que je ne me trompe pas: du caract re dont ils sont, ils auront de la peine s'en parler. Vous, L pine, voudriez-vous exciter le Marquis le d clarer la Comtesse? Et vous, Lisette, disposer la Comtesse se l'entendre dire? Ce sera une industrie fort innocente. L PINE. Et m me louable. LISETTE, _rendant l'argent._ Madame, permettez que je vous rende votre argent. HORTENSE, Gardez. D'o vient?[13] LISETTE. C'est qu'il me semble que voil , pr cis ment le service que vous exigez de moi, et c'est pr cis ment celui que je ne puis vous rendre. Ma ma tresse est veuve, elle est tranquille; son tat est heureux; ce seroit dommage de l'en tirer: je prie le Ciel qu'elle y reste. L PINE, _froidement._ Quant moi, je garde mon lot: rien ne m'oblige restitution. J'ai la volont de vous tre utile. Monsieur le Marquis vit dans le c libat; mais le mariage, il est bon, tr s bon; il a ses peines: chaque tat a les siennes; quelquefois le mien me p se. Le tout est gal.[14] Oui, je vous servirai, Madame, je vous servirai; je n'y vois point de mal. On s' pouse de tout temps, on s' pousera toujours; on n'a que cette honn te ressource quand on aime. HORTENSE. Vous me surprenez, Lisette, d'autant plus que je m'imaginois que vous pouviez vous aimer tous deux. LISETTE. C'est de quoi il n'est pas question de ma part. L PINE. De la mienne, j'en suis demeur l'estime. N anmoins, Mademoiselle est aimable; mais j'ai pass mon chemin sans y prendre garde. LISETTE. J'esp re que vous penserez toujours de m me. HORTENSE. Voil ce que j'avois vous dire. Adieu, Lisette; vous ferez ce qu'il vous plaira. Je ne vous demande que le secret. J'accepte vos services, L pine. SC NE III. L PINE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Nous n'avons rien nous dire, mons[15] de L pine. J'ai affaire, et je vous laisse. L PINE. Doucement, Mademoiselle; retardez d'un moment. Je trouve propos de vous informer d'un petit accident qui m'arrive. LISETTE. Voyons. L PINE. D'homme d'honneur,[16] je n'avois pas envisag vos gr ces; je ne connoissois pas votre mine. LISETTE. Qu'importe? Je vous en offre autant:[17] c'est tout au plus si je connois actuellement la v tre.[18] L PINE. Cette dame se figuroit que nous nous aimions. LISETTE. Eh bien! elle se figuroit mal. L PINE. Attendez, voici l'accident: son discours a fait que mes yeux se sont arr t s dessus[19] vous plus attentivement que de coutume. LISETTE. Vos yeux ont pris bien de la peine. L PINE. Et vous tes jolie, sandis![20] oh! tr s jolie! LISETTE. Ma foi, monsieur de L pine, vous tes tr s galant, oh! tr s galant. Mais l'ennui me prend d s qu'on me loue. Abr geons; est-ce l tout? L PINE. A mon exemple, envisagez-moi, je vous prie; faites-en l' preuve. LISETTE. Oui-da![21] Tenez, je vous regarde. L PINE. Eh donc! Est-ce l ce L pine que vous connoissiez? N'y voyez-vous rien[22] de nouveau? Que vous dit le coeur? LISETTE. Pas le mot; il n'y a rien l pour lui. L PINE. Quelquefois pourtant nombre de gens ont estim que j' tois un gar on assez revenant;[23] mais nous y retournerons: c'est partie remettre. coutez le restant. Il est certain que mon ma tre distingue[24] tendrement votre ma tresse. Aujourd'hui m me il m'a confi qu'il m ditoit de vous communiquer ses sentiments. LISETTE. Comme il lui plaira. La r ponse que j'aurai l'honneur de lui communiquer sera courte. L PINE. Remarquons d'abondance[25] que la Comtesse se pla t avec mon ma tre, qu'elle a l' me joyeuse en le voyant. Vous me direz que nos gens[26] sont d' tranges personnes, et je vous l'accorde. Le Marquis, homme tout simple, peu hasardeux dans le discours, n'osera jamais aventurer la d claration, et, des d clarations, la Comtesse les pouvante:[27] femme qui n glige les compliments, qui vous parle entre l'aigre et le doux, et dont l'entretien a je ne sais quoi de sec, de froid, de purement raisonnable. Le moyen que l'amour puisse tre mis en avant avec cette femme! Il ne sera jamais propos de lui dire: Je vous aime, moins qu'on ne lui dise[28] propos de rien. Cette mati re, avec elle, ne peut tomber que des nues. On dit qu'elle traite l'amour de bagatelle d'enfant; moi, je pr tends qu'elle a pris go t cette enfance.[29] Dans cette conjoncture, j'opine que nous encouragions ces deux personnages. Qu'en sera-t-il?[30] Qu'ils s'aimeront bonnement, en toute simplesse,[31] et qu'ils s' pouseront de m me. Qu'en sera-t-il? Qu'en me voyant votre camarade, vous me rendrez votre mari par la douce habitude de me voir. Eh donc! Parlez: tes-vous d'accord? LISETTE. Non. L PINE. Mademoiselle, est-ce mon amour qui vous d pla t? LISETTE. Oui. L PINE. En peu de mots vous dites beaucoup. Mais consid rez l'occurrence:[32] je vous pr dis que nos ma tres se marieront: que la commodit vous tente.[33] LISETTE. Je vous pr dis qu'ils ne se marieront point: je ne veux pas, moi. Ma ma tresse, comme vous dites fort habilement, tient l'amour au-dessous d'elle, et j'aurai soin de l'entretenir dans cette humeur, attendu qu'il n'est pas de mon petit int r t qu'elle se marie. Ma condition n'en seroit pas si bonne, entendez-vous? Il n'y a pas d'apparence que la Comtesse y gagne, et moi j'y perdrais beaucoup. J'ai fait un petit calcul l -dessus, au moyen duquel je trouve que tous vos arrangements me d rangent et ne me valent rien.[34] Ainsi, quelque jolie que je sois, continuez de n'en rien voir; laissez-la la d couverte que vous avez faite de mes gr ces, et passez toujours sans y prendre garde. L PINE, _froidement._ Je les ai vues, Mademoiselle; j'en suis frapp , et n'ai de rem de que votre coeur. LISETTE. Tenez-vous donc pour incurable. L PINE. Me donnez-vous votre dernier mot? LISETTE. Je n'y changerai pas une syllabe. (_Elle veut s'en aller._) L PINE, _l'arr tant_. Permettez que je reparte.[35] Vous calculez, moi de m me. Selon vous, il ne faut pas que nos gens se marient; il faut qu'ils s' pousent, selon moi: je le pr tends. LISETTE. Mauvaise gasconnade! L PINE. Patience. Je vous aime, et vous me refusez le r ciproque? Je calcule qu'il me fait besoin,[36] et je l'aurai, sandis![37] Je le pr tends. LISETTE. Vous ne l'aurez pas, sandis! L PINE. J'ai tout dit. Laissez parler mon ma tre, qui nous arrive. SC NE IV. LE MARQUIS, L PINE, LISETTE. LE MARQUIS. Ah! vous voici, Lisette! Je suis bien aise de vous trouver. LISETTE. Je vous suis oblig e, Monsieur; mais je m'en allois. LE MARQUIS. Vous vous en alliez? J'avois pourtant quelque chose vous dire. tes-vous un peu de nos amis? L PINE. Petitement. LISETTE. J'ai beaucoup d'estime et de respect pour monsieur le Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Tout de bon? Vous me faites plaisir, Lisette. Je fais beaucoup de cas de vous aussi; vous me paroissez une tr s bonne fille, et vous tes une ma tresse qui a bien du m rite. LISETTE. Il y a longtemps que je le sais, Monsieur. LE MARQUIS. Ne vous parle-t-elle jamais de moi? Que vous en dit-elle? LISETTE. Oh! rien. LE MARQUIS. C'est que, entre nous, il n'y a point de femme que j'aime tant qu'elle. LISETTE. Qu'appelez-vous aimer, monsieur le Marquis? Est-ce de l'amour que vous entendez? LE MARQUIS. Eh! mais oui, de l'amour, de l'inclination, comme tu voudras: le nom n'y fait rien. Je l'aime mieux qu'une autre.[38] Voil tout. LISETTE. Cela se peut. LE MARQUIS. Mais elle n'en sait rien; je n'ai pas os le lui apprendre. Je n'ai pas trop le talent de parler d'amour. LISETTE. C'est ce qui me semble. LE MARQUIS. Oui, cela m'embarrasse; et, comme ta ma tresse est une femme fort raisonnable, j'ai peur qu'elle ne se moque de moi, et je ne saurois plus que lui dire: de sorte que j'ai r v qu'il seroit bon que tu la pr vinsses en ma faveur. LISETTE. Je vous demande pardon, Monsieur; mais il falloit r ver tout le contraire. Je ne puis rien pour vous, en v rit . LE MARQUIS. Eh! d'o vient?[39] Je t'aurai grande obligation. Je payerai bien tes peines. (_Montrant L pine._) Et, si ce gar on-l te convenoit, je vous ferois un fort bon parti[40] tous les deux. L PINE, _froidement, et sans regarder Lisette_. Derechef,[41] recueillez-vous l -dessus, Mademoiselle. LISETTE. Il n'y a pas moyen, monsieur le Marquis. Si je parlois de vos sentiments ma ma tresse, vous avez beau dire que le nom n'y fait rien, je me brouillerais[42] avec elle; je vous y brouillerais vous-m me. Ne la connoissez-vous pas? LE MARQUIS. Tu crois donc qu'il n'y a rien faire? LISETTE. Absolument rien. LE MARQUIS. Tant pis. Cela me chagrine. Elle me fait tant d'amiti ,[43] cette femme! Allons, il ne faut donc plus y penser. L PINE, _froidement_. Monsieur, ne vous d confortez[44] pas. Du r cit de Mademoiselle, n'en tenez compte;[45] elle vous triche. Retirons-nous. Venez me consulter l' cart; je serai plus consolant. Partons. LE MARQUIS. Viens. Voyons ce que tu as me dire. Adieu, Lisette. Ne me nuis pas, voil tout ce que j'exige. SC NE V. L PINE, LISETTE. L PINE. N'exigez rien: ne g nons point Mademoiselle. Soyons galamment ennemis d clar s; faisons-nous du mal en toute franchise. Adieu, gentille personne. Je vous ch ris ni plus ni moins: gardez-moi votre coeur: c'est un d p t que je vous laisse. LISETTE. Adieu, mon pauvre L pine. Vous tes peut- tre de tous les fous de la Garonne[46] le plus effront , mais aussi le plus divertissant. SC NE VI. LA COMTESSE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Voici ma ma tresse. De l'humeur dont elle est, je crois que cet amour-ci ne la divertira gu re. Gare[47] que le Marquis ne soit bient t cong di ! LA COMTESSE, _tenant une lettre_. Tenez, Lisette, dites qu'on porte cette lettre la poste. En voil dix que j' cris depuis trois semaines. La sotte chose qu'un proc s! Que j'en suis lasse! Je ne m' tonne pas s'il y a tant de femmes qui se marient! LISETTE, _riant_. Bon! votre proc s! une affaire de mille francs! Voil quelque chose de bien consid rable pour vous! Avez-vous envie de vous remarier? J'ai votre affaire. LA COMTESSE. Qu'est-ce que c'est qu'envie de me remarier? Pourquoi me dites-vous cela? LISETTE. Ne vous f chez pas; je ne veux que vous divertir. LA COMTESSE. Ce pourrait tre quelqu'un de Paris qui vous auroit fait une confidence. En tout cas, ne me le nommez pas. LISETTE. Oh! il faut pourtant que vous connoissiez celui dont je parle. LA COMTESSE. Brisons l -dessus. Je r ve une chose: le Marquis n'a ici qu'un valet de chambre, dont il a peut- tre besoin, et je voulois lui demander s'il n'a pas quelque paquet mettre la poste: on le porteroit avec le mien. O est-il, le Marquis? L'as-tu vu ce matin? LISETTE. Oh! oui. Malepeste![48] il a ses raisons pour tre veill de bonne heure! Revenons au mari que j'ai vous donner, celui qui br le pour vous et que vous avez enflamm de passion... LA COMTESSE. Qui est ce ben t-l ? LISETTE. Vous le devinez. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui br le est un sot. Je ne veux rien savoir de Paris. LISETTE. Ce n'est point de Paris: votre conqu te est dans le ch teau. Vous l'appellez ben t; moi, je vais le flatter: c'est un soupirant qui a l'air fort simple, un air de bon homme. Y tes-vous? LA COMTESSE. Nullement. Qui est-ce qui ressemble celui-ci? LISETTE. Eh! le Marquis. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui est avec nous? LISETTE. Lui-m me. LA COMTESSE. Je n'avois garde d'y tre.[49] O as-tu pris son air simple et de bon homme? Dis donc un air franc et ouvert, la bonne heure: il sera reconnoissable. LISETTE. Ma foi, Madame, je vous le rends comme je le vois. LA COMTESSE. Tu le vois tr s mal, on ne peut pas plus mal: en mille ans on ne le devineroit pas ce portrait-l . Mais de qui tiens-tu ce que tu me contes de son amour? LISETTE. De lui, qui me l'a dit; rien que cela. N'en riez-vous pas? Ne faites pas semblant de le savoir. Au reste, il n'y a qu' vous en d faire tout doucement. LA COMTESSE. H las! je ne lui en veux point de mal.[50] C'est un fort honn te homme, un homme dont je fais cas, qui a d'excellentes qualit s; et j'aime encore mieux que ce soit lui qu'un autre. Mais ne te trompes-tu pas aussi? Il ne t'aura peut- tre parl que d'estime: il en a beaucoup pour moi, beaucoup; il me l'a marqu e en mille occasions d'une mani re fort obligeante. LISETTE. Non, Madame, c'est de l'amour qui regarde vos appas; il en a prononc le mot sans bredouiller comme l'ordinaire. C'est de la flamme... Il languit, il soupire. LA COMTESSE. Est-il possible? Sur ce pied-l , je le plains, car ce n'est pas un tourdi: il faut qu'il le sente, puisqu'il le dit; et ce n'est pas de ces gens-l dont[51] je me moque: jamais leur amour n'est ridicule. Mais il n'osera m'en parler, n'est-ce pas? LISETTE. Oh! ne craignez rien! j'y ai mis bon ordre:[52] il ne s'y jouera pas.[53] Je lui ai t toute esp rance. N'ai-je pas bien fait? LA COMTESSE. Mais oui, sans doute, oui, pourvu que vous ne l'ayez pas brusqu , pourtant. Il falloit y prendre garde: c'est un ami que je veux conserver. Et vous avez quelquefois le ton dur et rev che, Lisette; il valoit mieux le laisser dire. LISETTE. Point du tout. Il vouloit que je vous parlasse en sa faveur. LA COMTESSE. Ce pauvre homme! LISETTE. Et je lui ai r pondu que je ne pouvois pas m'en m ler, que je me brouillerais avec vous si je vous en parlois, que vous me donneriez mon cong , que vous lui donneriez le sien. LA COMTESSE. Le sien. Quelle grossi ret ! Ah! que c'est mal parler! Son cong ? Et m me est-ce que je vous aurois donn le v tre? Vous savez bien que non. D'o vient[54] mentir, Lisette? C'est un ennemi que vous m'allez faire d'un des hommes du monde que je consid re le plus et qui le m rite le mieux. Quel sot langage de domestique! Eh! il toit si simple de vous tenir[55] lui dire: Monsieur, je ne saurois; ce ne sont pas l mes affaires. Parlez-en vous-m me. Et je voudrais qu'il os t m'en parler, pour racommoder un peu votre malhonn tet . Son cong ! son cong ! Il va se croire insult . LISETTE. Eh non, Madame; il toit impossible de vous en d barrasser moins de frais. Faut-il que vous l'aimiez, de peur de le f cher? Voulez-vous tre sa femme par politesse, lui qui doit pouser Hortense? Je ne lui ai rien dit de trop; et vous en voil quitte. Mais je l'aper ois qui vient en r vant. vitez-le, vous avez le temps. LA COMTESSE. L' viter, lui qui me voit! Ah! je m'en garderai bien. Apr s les discours que vous lui avez tenus, il croirait que je les ai dict s. Non, non, je ne changerai rien ma fa on de vivre avec lui. Allez porter ma lettre. LISETTE, _ part_. Hum! il y a ici quelque chose. (_Haut_.) Madame, je suis d'avis de rester aupr s de vous. Cela m'arrive souvent, et vous en serez plus l'abri d'une d claration. LA COMTESSE. Belle finesse! Quand je lui chapperois aujourd'hui, ne me trouvera-t-il pas demain? Il faudrait donc vous avoir toujours mes c t s? Non, non. Partez. S'il me parle, je sais r pondre. LISETTE. Je suis vous dans l'instant; je n'ai qu' donner cette lettre un laquais. LA COMTESSE. Non, Lisette: c'est une lettre de cons quence, et vous me ferez plaisir de la porter vous-m me, parce que, si le courier est pass , vous me la rapporterez, et je l'enverrai par une autre voie. Je ne me fie point aux valets: ils ne sont point exacts. LISETTE. Le courrier ne passe que dans deux heures, Madame. LA COMTESSE. Eh! allez, vous dis-je. Que sait-on? LISETTE, _ part_. Quel pr texte! (_Haut_.) Cette femme-l ne va pas droit avec moi. SC NE VII. LA COMTESSE, _seule_. Elle avoit la fureur de rester. Les domestiques sont ha ssables; il n'y a pas jusqu' leur z le qui ne vous d soblige. C'est toujours de travers qu'ils vous servent. SC NE VIII. LA COMTESSE, L PINE. L PINE. Madame, monsieur le Marquis vous a vue[56] de loin avec Lisette. Il demande s'il n'y a point de mal qu'il approche; il a le d sir de vous consulter, mais il se fait le scrupule[57] de vous tre importun. LA COMTESSE. Lui importun! Il ne sauroit l' tre. Dites-lui que je l'attends, L pine; qu'il vienne. L PINE. Je vais le r jouir de la nouvelle. Vous l'allez voir dans la minute. SC NE IX. L PINE, LE MARQUIS. L PINE, _appelant le Marquis_. Monsieur, venez prendre audience. Madame l'accorde. (_Quand le Marquis est venu, il lui dit part:_) Courage, Monsieur! l'accueil est gracieux, presque tendre: c'est un coeur qui demande qu'on le prenne. SC NE X. LA COMTESSE, LE MARQUIS. LA COMTESSE. Eh! d'o vient donc la c r monie que vous faites, Marquis?... Vous n'y songez pas.[58] LE MARQUIS. Madame, vous avez bien de la bont ... C'est que j'ai bien des choses vous dire. LA COMTESSE. Effectivement, vous me paroissez r veur, inquiet. LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai l'esprit en peine. J'ai besoin de conseil, j'ai besoin de gr ces, et le tout de votre part. LA COMTESSE. Tant mieux. Vous avez encore moins besoin de tout cela que je n'ai d'envie de vous tre bonne quelque chose. LE MARQUIS. O bonne! Il ne tient qu' vous de m' tre excellente, si vous voulez. LA COMTESSE. Comment, si je veux? Manquez-vous de confiance? Ah! je vous prie, ne me m nagez point. Vous pouvez tout sur moi, Marquis; je suis bien aise de vous le dire. LE MARQUIS. Cette assurance m'est bien agr able, et je serois tent d'en abuser. LA COMTESSE. J'ai grand'peur que vous ne r sistiez la tentation. Vous ne comptez pas assez sur vos amis, car vous tes si r serv , si retenu... LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai beaucoup de timidit . LA COMTESSE. Je fais de mon mieux pour vous l' ter, comme vous voyez. LE MARQUIS. Vous savez dans quelle situation je suis avec Hortense; que je dois l' pouser ou lui donner deux cent mille francs. LA COMTESSE. Oui, et je me suis aper ue que vous n'aviez pas grand go t pour elle. LE MARQUIS. Oh! on ne peut pas moins.[59] Je ne l'aime point du tout. LA COMTESSE. Je n'en suis pas surprise: son caract re est si diff rent du v tre! Elle a quelque chose de trop arrang [60] pour vous. LE MARQUIS. Vous y tes. Elle songe trop ses gr ces. Il faudroit toujours l'entretenir de compliments, et moi, ce n'est pas l mon fort. La coquetterie me g ne, elle me rend muet. LA COMTESSE. Ah! ah! je conviens qu'elle en a un peu; mais presque toutes les femmes sont de m me. Vous ne trouverez que cela partout, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Hors chez vous. Quelle diff rence, par exemple! Vous plaisez sans y penser. Ce n'est pas votre faute: vous ne savez pas seulement que vous tes aimable; mais d'autres le savent pour vous. LA COMTESSE. Moi, Marquis, je pense qu' cet gard-l les autres songent aussi peu moi que j'y songe moi-m me. LE MARQUIS. Oh! j'en connois qui ne vous disent pas tout ce qu'ils songent. LA COMTESSE. Eh! qui sont-ils, Marquis? Quelques amis comme vous, sans doute. LE MARQUIS. Bon, des amis! Voil bien de quoi! Vous n'en aurez encore de longtemps.[61] LA COMTESSE. Je vous suis oblig e du petit compliment que vous me faites en passant. LE MARQUIS. Point du tout. Je ne passe jamais, moi; je dis toujours expr s. LA COMTESSE, _riant_. Comment! vous qui ne voulez pas que j'aie encore des amis, est-ce que vous n' tes pas le mien? LE MARQUIS. Vous m'excuserez; mais, quand je serois autre chose,[62] il n'y auroit rien de surprenant. LA COMTESSE. Eh bien! je ne laisserois pas que d'en tre surprise.[63] LE MARQUIS. Et encore plus f ch e. LA COMTESSE. En v rit , surprise. Je veux pourtant croire que je suis aimable, puisque vous le dites. LE MARQUIS. O charmante! Et je serois bien heureux si Hortense vous ressembloit. Je l' pouserois d'un grand coeur, et j'ai bien de la peine m'y r soudre. LA COMTESSE. Je le crois, et ce seroit encore pis si vous aviez de l'inclination pour une autre. LE MARQUIS. Eh bien! c'est que justement le pis s'y trouve. LA COMTESSE, _par exclamation_. Oui? Vous aimez ailleurs? LE MARQUIS. De toute mon me. LA COMTESSE, _en souriant_. Je m'en suis dout e, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Et vous tes-vous dout e de la personne? LA COMTESSE. Non, mais vous me la direz. LE MARQUIS. Vous me feriez grand plaisir de la deviner. LA COMTESSE. Eh! pourquoi m'en donneriez-vous la peine, puisque vous voil ? LE MARQUIS. C'est que vous ne connoissez qu'elle:[64] c'est la plus aimable femme, la plus franche. Vous parlez de gens sans fa on: il n'y a personne comme elle; plus je la vois, plus je l'admire. LA COMTESSE. pousez-la, Marquis, pousez-la, et laissez l Hortense. Il n'y a point h siter: vous n'avez point d'autre parti prendre. LE MARQUIS. Oui, mais je songe une chose... N'y auroit-il pas moyen de me sauver les deux cent mille francs? Je vous parle coeur ouvert. LA COMTESSE. Regardez-moi dans cette occasion-ci comme une autre vous-m me. LE MARQUIS. Ah! que c'est bien dit! une autre moi-m me! LA COMTESSE. Ce qui me pla t en vous, c'est votre franchise, qui est une qualit admirable. Revenons. Comment vous sauver ces deux cent mille francs? LE MARQUIS. C'est que Hortense aime le Chevalier. Mais, propos, c'est votre parent? LA COMTESSE. Oh! parent de loin. LE MARQUIS. Or, de cet amour qu'elle a pour lui, je conclus qu'elle ne se soucie pas de moi. Je n'ai donc qu' faire semblant de vouloir l' pouser. Elle me refusera, et je ne lui devrai plus rien. Son refus me servira de quittance. LA COMTESSE. Oui-da,[65] vous pouvez le tenter. Ce n'est pas qu'il n'y ait du risque:[66] elle a du discernement, Marquis, Vous supposez qu'elle vous refusera; je n'en sais rien: vous n' tes pas homme d daigner. LE MARQUIS. Est-il vrai? LA COMTESSE. C'est mon sentiment. LE MARQUIS. Vous me flattez; vous encouragez ma franchise. LA COMTESSE. Je vous encourage! Eh! mais en tes-vous encore l ? Mettez-vous donc dans l'esprit que je ne demande qu' vous obliger, qu'il n'y a que l'impossible qui m'arr tera, et que vous devez compter sur tout ce qui d pendra de moi. Ne perdez point cela de vue, trange homme que vous tes, et achevez hardiment. Vous voulez des conseils, je vous en

passionately

How many times the word 'passionately' appears in the text?

Dorante: venez voir votre fille vous ob ir avec plus de joie qu'on n'en eut jamais. DORANTE. Qu'entends-je! vous, son p re, Monsieur? SILVIA. Oui, Dorante. La m me id e de nous conno tre nous est venue tous deux; apr s cela, je n'ai plus rien vous dire. Vous m'aimez, je n'en saurais douter; mais, votre tour, jugez de mes sentiments pour vous; jugez du cas que j'ai fait de votre coeur par la d licatesse avec laquelle j'ai t ch de l'acqu rir. M. ORGON. Connoissez-vous cette lettre-l ? Voil par o j'ai appris votre d guisement, qu'elle n'a pourtant su que par vous. DORANTE. Je ne saurais vous exprimer mon bonheur, Madame;[253] mais ce qui m'enchante le plus, ce sont les preuves que je vous ai donn es de ma tendresse. MARIO. Dorante me pardonne-t-il la col re o j'ai mis Bourguignon? DORANTE. Il ne vous la pardonne pas, il vous en remercie. ARLEQUIN. De la joie, Madame: vous avez perdu votre rang; mais vous n' tes point plaindre, puisqu'Arlequin vous reste. LISETTE. Belle consolation! il n'y a que toi qui gagne cela. ARLEQUIN. Je n'y perds pas. Avant notre reconnoissance, votre dot valoit mieux que vous; pr sent, vous valez mieux que votre dot. Allons, saute, marquis![254] * * * * * LE LEGS COM DIE EN UN ACTE, EN PROSE ACTEURS. LA COMTESSE. LE MARQUIS. HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. LISETTE,[1] suivante de la Comtesse. L PINE,[2] valet de chambre du Marquis. SC NE PREMI RE. LE CHEVALIER, HORTENSE. LE CHEVALIER. La d marche que vous allez faire aupr s du Marquis m'alarme. HORTENSE. Je ne risque rien, vous dis-je. Raisonnons. D funt son parent et le mien lui laisse six cent mille francs, la charge, il est vrai, de m' pouser ou de m'en donner deux cent mille: cela est son choix; mais le Marquis ne sent rien pour moi. Je suis s re qu'il a de l'inclination pour la Comtesse; d'ailleurs, il est d j assez riche par lui-m me: voil encore une succession de six cent mille francs qui lui vient, laquelle il ne s'attendoit pas; et vous croyez que, plut t que d'en distraire deux cent mille, il aimera mieux m' pouser, moi qui lui suis indiff rente, pendant qu'il a de l'amour pour la Comtesse, qui peut- tre ne le hait pas, et qui a plus de bien que moi? Il n'y a pas d'apparence. LE CHEVALIER. Mais quoi jugez-vous que la Comtesse ne le hait pas? HORTENSE. A mille petites remarques que je fais tous les jours, et je n'en suis pas surprise. Du caract re dont elle est, celui du Marquis doit tre de son go t. La Comtesse est une femme brusque, qui aime primer, gouverner, tre la ma tresse. Le Marquis est un homme doux, paisible, ais conduire; et voil ce qu'il faut la Comtesse. Aussi ne parle-t-elle de lui qu'avec loge. Son air de na vet lui pla t: c'est, dit-elle, le meilleur homme, le plus complaisant, le plus sociable. D'ailleurs, le Marquis est d'un ge qui lui convient; elle n'est plus de cette grande jeunesse:[3] il a trente-cinq ou quarante ans, et je vois bien qu'elle seroit charm e de vivre avec lui. LE CHEVALIER. J'ai peur que l' v nement[4] ne vous trompe. Ce n'est pas un petit objet que deux cent mille francs qu'il faudra qu'on vous donne si l'on ne vous pouse pas; et puis, quand le Marquis et la Comtesse s'aimeroient, de l'humeur dont ils sont tous deux, ils auront bien de la peine se le dire. HORTENSE. Oh! moyennant[5] l'embarras o je vais jeter le Marquis, il faudra bien qu'il parle; et je veux savoir quoi m'en tenir. Depuis le temps que nous sommes cette campagne,[6] chez la Comtesse, il ne me dit rien. Il y a six semaines qu'il se tait; je veux qu'il s'explique. Je ne perdrai pas le legs qui me revient si je n' pouse point le Marquis. LE CHEVALIER. Mais s'il accepte votre main? HORTENSE. Eh! non! vous dis-je. Laissez-moi faire. Je crois qu'il esp re que ce sera moi qui le refuserai. Peut- tre m me feindra-t-il de consentir notre union; mais que cela ne vous pouvante pas. Vous n' tes point assez riche pour m' pouser avec deux cent mille francs de moins: je suis bien aise de vous les apporter en mariage. Je suis persuad e que la Comtesse et le Marquis ne se ha ssent pas. Voyons ce que me diront l -dessus L pine et Lisette, qui vont venir me parler. L'un, est un Gascon froid,[7] mais adroit; Lisette a de l'esprit. Je sais qu'ils ont tous deux la confiance de leurs ma tres; je les int resserai m'instruire, et tout ira bien. Les voil qui viennent. Retirez-vous. SC NE II. LISETTE, L PINE, HORTENSE. HORTENSE. Venez, Lisette; approchez. LISETTE. Que souhaitez-vous de nous, Madame? HORTENSE. Rien que vous ne puissiez me dire sans blesser la fid lit que vous devez, vous au Marquis, et vous la Comtesse. LISETTE. Tant mieux, Madame. L PINE. Ce d but encourage. Nos services vous sont acquis. HORTENSE, _tire quelque argent de sa poche._ Tenez, Lisette, tout service m rite r compense. LISETTE, _refusant d'abord._ Du moins, Madame, faudroit-il savoir auparavant de quoi il s'agit. HORTENSE. Prenez; je vous le donne, quoi qu'il arrive. Voil pour vous, monsieur de L pine.[8] L PINE. Madame, je serois volontiers de l'avis de Mademoiselle; mais je prends. Le respect d fend que je raisonne. HORTENSE. Je ne pr tends vous engager en rien, et voici de quoi il est question. Le Marquis, votre ma tre, vous estime, L pine? L PINE, _froidement._ Extr mement, Madame; il me conno t. HORTENSE. Je remarque qu'il vous confie ais ment ce qu'il pense. L PINE. Oui. Madame, de toutes ses pens es incontinent[9] j'en ai copie; il n'en sait pas le compte mieux que moi. HORTENSE. Vous, Lisette, vous tes sur le m me ton[10] avec la Comtesse? LISETTE. J'ai cet honneur-l , Madame. HORTENSE. Dites-moi, L pine, je me figure que le Marquis aime la Comtesse. Me tromp -je? Il n'y a point d'inconv nient me dire ce qui en est. L PINE. Je n'affirme rien; mais patience: nous devons ce soir nous entretenir l -dessus. HORTENSE. Eh! soup onnez-vous qu'il l'aime? L PINE. De soup ons,[11] j'en ai de violents. Je m'en claircirai tant t. HORTENSE. Et vous, Lisette, quel est votre sentiment sur la Comtesse? LISETTE. Qu'elle ne songe point du tout au Marquis, Madame. L PINE. Je diff re avec vous de pens e.[12] HORTENSE. Je crois aussi qu'ils s'aiment. Et supposons que je ne me trompe pas: du caract re dont ils sont, ils auront de la peine s'en parler. Vous, L pine, voudriez-vous exciter le Marquis le d clarer la Comtesse? Et vous, Lisette, disposer la Comtesse se l'entendre dire? Ce sera une industrie fort innocente. L PINE. Et m me louable. LISETTE, _rendant l'argent._ Madame, permettez que je vous rende votre argent. HORTENSE, Gardez. D'o vient?[13] LISETTE. C'est qu'il me semble que voil , pr cis ment le service que vous exigez de moi, et c'est pr cis ment celui que je ne puis vous rendre. Ma ma tresse est veuve, elle est tranquille; son tat est heureux; ce seroit dommage de l'en tirer: je prie le Ciel qu'elle y reste. L PINE, _froidement._ Quant moi, je garde mon lot: rien ne m'oblige restitution. J'ai la volont de vous tre utile. Monsieur le Marquis vit dans le c libat; mais le mariage, il est bon, tr s bon; il a ses peines: chaque tat a les siennes; quelquefois le mien me p se. Le tout est gal.[14] Oui, je vous servirai, Madame, je vous servirai; je n'y vois point de mal. On s' pouse de tout temps, on s' pousera toujours; on n'a que cette honn te ressource quand on aime. HORTENSE. Vous me surprenez, Lisette, d'autant plus que je m'imaginois que vous pouviez vous aimer tous deux. LISETTE. C'est de quoi il n'est pas question de ma part. L PINE. De la mienne, j'en suis demeur l'estime. N anmoins, Mademoiselle est aimable; mais j'ai pass mon chemin sans y prendre garde. LISETTE. J'esp re que vous penserez toujours de m me. HORTENSE. Voil ce que j'avois vous dire. Adieu, Lisette; vous ferez ce qu'il vous plaira. Je ne vous demande que le secret. J'accepte vos services, L pine. SC NE III. L PINE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Nous n'avons rien nous dire, mons[15] de L pine. J'ai affaire, et je vous laisse. L PINE. Doucement, Mademoiselle; retardez d'un moment. Je trouve propos de vous informer d'un petit accident qui m'arrive. LISETTE. Voyons. L PINE. D'homme d'honneur,[16] je n'avois pas envisag vos gr ces; je ne connoissois pas votre mine. LISETTE. Qu'importe? Je vous en offre autant:[17] c'est tout au plus si je connois actuellement la v tre.[18] L PINE. Cette dame se figuroit que nous nous aimions. LISETTE. Eh bien! elle se figuroit mal. L PINE. Attendez, voici l'accident: son discours a fait que mes yeux se sont arr t s dessus[19] vous plus attentivement que de coutume. LISETTE. Vos yeux ont pris bien de la peine. L PINE. Et vous tes jolie, sandis![20] oh! tr s jolie! LISETTE. Ma foi, monsieur de L pine, vous tes tr s galant, oh! tr s galant. Mais l'ennui me prend d s qu'on me loue. Abr geons; est-ce l tout? L PINE. A mon exemple, envisagez-moi, je vous prie; faites-en l' preuve. LISETTE. Oui-da![21] Tenez, je vous regarde. L PINE. Eh donc! Est-ce l ce L pine que vous connoissiez? N'y voyez-vous rien[22] de nouveau? Que vous dit le coeur? LISETTE. Pas le mot; il n'y a rien l pour lui. L PINE. Quelquefois pourtant nombre de gens ont estim que j' tois un gar on assez revenant;[23] mais nous y retournerons: c'est partie remettre. coutez le restant. Il est certain que mon ma tre distingue[24] tendrement votre ma tresse. Aujourd'hui m me il m'a confi qu'il m ditoit de vous communiquer ses sentiments. LISETTE. Comme il lui plaira. La r ponse que j'aurai l'honneur de lui communiquer sera courte. L PINE. Remarquons d'abondance[25] que la Comtesse se pla t avec mon ma tre, qu'elle a l' me joyeuse en le voyant. Vous me direz que nos gens[26] sont d' tranges personnes, et je vous l'accorde. Le Marquis, homme tout simple, peu hasardeux dans le discours, n'osera jamais aventurer la d claration, et, des d clarations, la Comtesse les pouvante:[27] femme qui n glige les compliments, qui vous parle entre l'aigre et le doux, et dont l'entretien a je ne sais quoi de sec, de froid, de purement raisonnable. Le moyen que l'amour puisse tre mis en avant avec cette femme! Il ne sera jamais propos de lui dire: Je vous aime, moins qu'on ne lui dise[28] propos de rien. Cette mati re, avec elle, ne peut tomber que des nues. On dit qu'elle traite l'amour de bagatelle d'enfant; moi, je pr tends qu'elle a pris go t cette enfance.[29] Dans cette conjoncture, j'opine que nous encouragions ces deux personnages. Qu'en sera-t-il?[30] Qu'ils s'aimeront bonnement, en toute simplesse,[31] et qu'ils s' pouseront de m me. Qu'en sera-t-il? Qu'en me voyant votre camarade, vous me rendrez votre mari par la douce habitude de me voir. Eh donc! Parlez: tes-vous d'accord? LISETTE. Non. L PINE. Mademoiselle, est-ce mon amour qui vous d pla t? LISETTE. Oui. L PINE. En peu de mots vous dites beaucoup. Mais consid rez l'occurrence:[32] je vous pr dis que nos ma tres se marieront: que la commodit vous tente.[33] LISETTE. Je vous pr dis qu'ils ne se marieront point: je ne veux pas, moi. Ma ma tresse, comme vous dites fort habilement, tient l'amour au-dessous d'elle, et j'aurai soin de l'entretenir dans cette humeur, attendu qu'il n'est pas de mon petit int r t qu'elle se marie. Ma condition n'en seroit pas si bonne, entendez-vous? Il n'y a pas d'apparence que la Comtesse y gagne, et moi j'y perdrais beaucoup. J'ai fait un petit calcul l -dessus, au moyen duquel je trouve que tous vos arrangements me d rangent et ne me valent rien.[34] Ainsi, quelque jolie que je sois, continuez de n'en rien voir; laissez-la la d couverte que vous avez faite de mes gr ces, et passez toujours sans y prendre garde. L PINE, _froidement._ Je les ai vues, Mademoiselle; j'en suis frapp , et n'ai de rem de que votre coeur. LISETTE. Tenez-vous donc pour incurable. L PINE. Me donnez-vous votre dernier mot? LISETTE. Je n'y changerai pas une syllabe. (_Elle veut s'en aller._) L PINE, _l'arr tant_. Permettez que je reparte.[35] Vous calculez, moi de m me. Selon vous, il ne faut pas que nos gens se marient; il faut qu'ils s' pousent, selon moi: je le pr tends. LISETTE. Mauvaise gasconnade! L PINE. Patience. Je vous aime, et vous me refusez le r ciproque? Je calcule qu'il me fait besoin,[36] et je l'aurai, sandis![37] Je le pr tends. LISETTE. Vous ne l'aurez pas, sandis! L PINE. J'ai tout dit. Laissez parler mon ma tre, qui nous arrive. SC NE IV. LE MARQUIS, L PINE, LISETTE. LE MARQUIS. Ah! vous voici, Lisette! Je suis bien aise de vous trouver. LISETTE. Je vous suis oblig e, Monsieur; mais je m'en allois. LE MARQUIS. Vous vous en alliez? J'avois pourtant quelque chose vous dire. tes-vous un peu de nos amis? L PINE. Petitement. LISETTE. J'ai beaucoup d'estime et de respect pour monsieur le Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Tout de bon? Vous me faites plaisir, Lisette. Je fais beaucoup de cas de vous aussi; vous me paroissez une tr s bonne fille, et vous tes une ma tresse qui a bien du m rite. LISETTE. Il y a longtemps que je le sais, Monsieur. LE MARQUIS. Ne vous parle-t-elle jamais de moi? Que vous en dit-elle? LISETTE. Oh! rien. LE MARQUIS. C'est que, entre nous, il n'y a point de femme que j'aime tant qu'elle. LISETTE. Qu'appelez-vous aimer, monsieur le Marquis? Est-ce de l'amour que vous entendez? LE MARQUIS. Eh! mais oui, de l'amour, de l'inclination, comme tu voudras: le nom n'y fait rien. Je l'aime mieux qu'une autre.[38] Voil tout. LISETTE. Cela se peut. LE MARQUIS. Mais elle n'en sait rien; je n'ai pas os le lui apprendre. Je n'ai pas trop le talent de parler d'amour. LISETTE. C'est ce qui me semble. LE MARQUIS. Oui, cela m'embarrasse; et, comme ta ma tresse est une femme fort raisonnable, j'ai peur qu'elle ne se moque de moi, et je ne saurois plus que lui dire: de sorte que j'ai r v qu'il seroit bon que tu la pr vinsses en ma faveur. LISETTE. Je vous demande pardon, Monsieur; mais il falloit r ver tout le contraire. Je ne puis rien pour vous, en v rit . LE MARQUIS. Eh! d'o vient?[39] Je t'aurai grande obligation. Je payerai bien tes peines. (_Montrant L pine._) Et, si ce gar on-l te convenoit, je vous ferois un fort bon parti[40] tous les deux. L PINE, _froidement, et sans regarder Lisette_. Derechef,[41] recueillez-vous l -dessus, Mademoiselle. LISETTE. Il n'y a pas moyen, monsieur le Marquis. Si je parlois de vos sentiments ma ma tresse, vous avez beau dire que le nom n'y fait rien, je me brouillerais[42] avec elle; je vous y brouillerais vous-m me. Ne la connoissez-vous pas? LE MARQUIS. Tu crois donc qu'il n'y a rien faire? LISETTE. Absolument rien. LE MARQUIS. Tant pis. Cela me chagrine. Elle me fait tant d'amiti ,[43] cette femme! Allons, il ne faut donc plus y penser. L PINE, _froidement_. Monsieur, ne vous d confortez[44] pas. Du r cit de Mademoiselle, n'en tenez compte;[45] elle vous triche. Retirons-nous. Venez me consulter l' cart; je serai plus consolant. Partons. LE MARQUIS. Viens. Voyons ce que tu as me dire. Adieu, Lisette. Ne me nuis pas, voil tout ce que j'exige. SC NE V. L PINE, LISETTE. L PINE. N'exigez rien: ne g nons point Mademoiselle. Soyons galamment ennemis d clar s; faisons-nous du mal en toute franchise. Adieu, gentille personne. Je vous ch ris ni plus ni moins: gardez-moi votre coeur: c'est un d p t que je vous laisse. LISETTE. Adieu, mon pauvre L pine. Vous tes peut- tre de tous les fous de la Garonne[46] le plus effront , mais aussi le plus divertissant. SC NE VI. LA COMTESSE, LISETTE. LISETTE. Voici ma ma tresse. De l'humeur dont elle est, je crois que cet amour-ci ne la divertira gu re. Gare[47] que le Marquis ne soit bient t cong di ! LA COMTESSE, _tenant une lettre_. Tenez, Lisette, dites qu'on porte cette lettre la poste. En voil dix que j' cris depuis trois semaines. La sotte chose qu'un proc s! Que j'en suis lasse! Je ne m' tonne pas s'il y a tant de femmes qui se marient! LISETTE, _riant_. Bon! votre proc s! une affaire de mille francs! Voil quelque chose de bien consid rable pour vous! Avez-vous envie de vous remarier? J'ai votre affaire. LA COMTESSE. Qu'est-ce que c'est qu'envie de me remarier? Pourquoi me dites-vous cela? LISETTE. Ne vous f chez pas; je ne veux que vous divertir. LA COMTESSE. Ce pourrait tre quelqu'un de Paris qui vous auroit fait une confidence. En tout cas, ne me le nommez pas. LISETTE. Oh! il faut pourtant que vous connoissiez celui dont je parle. LA COMTESSE. Brisons l -dessus. Je r ve une chose: le Marquis n'a ici qu'un valet de chambre, dont il a peut- tre besoin, et je voulois lui demander s'il n'a pas quelque paquet mettre la poste: on le porteroit avec le mien. O est-il, le Marquis? L'as-tu vu ce matin? LISETTE. Oh! oui. Malepeste![48] il a ses raisons pour tre veill de bonne heure! Revenons au mari que j'ai vous donner, celui qui br le pour vous et que vous avez enflamm de passion... LA COMTESSE. Qui est ce ben t-l ? LISETTE. Vous le devinez. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui br le est un sot. Je ne veux rien savoir de Paris. LISETTE. Ce n'est point de Paris: votre conqu te est dans le ch teau. Vous l'appellez ben t; moi, je vais le flatter: c'est un soupirant qui a l'air fort simple, un air de bon homme. Y tes-vous? LA COMTESSE. Nullement. Qui est-ce qui ressemble celui-ci? LISETTE. Eh! le Marquis. LA COMTESSE. Celui qui est avec nous? LISETTE. Lui-m me. LA COMTESSE. Je n'avois garde d'y tre.[49] O as-tu pris son air simple et de bon homme? Dis donc un air franc et ouvert, la bonne heure: il sera reconnoissable. LISETTE. Ma foi, Madame, je vous le rends comme je le vois. LA COMTESSE. Tu le vois tr s mal, on ne peut pas plus mal: en mille ans on ne le devineroit pas ce portrait-l . Mais de qui tiens-tu ce que tu me contes de son amour? LISETTE. De lui, qui me l'a dit; rien que cela. N'en riez-vous pas? Ne faites pas semblant de le savoir. Au reste, il n'y a qu' vous en d faire tout doucement. LA COMTESSE. H las! je ne lui en veux point de mal.[50] C'est un fort honn te homme, un homme dont je fais cas, qui a d'excellentes qualit s; et j'aime encore mieux que ce soit lui qu'un autre. Mais ne te trompes-tu pas aussi? Il ne t'aura peut- tre parl que d'estime: il en a beaucoup pour moi, beaucoup; il me l'a marqu e en mille occasions d'une mani re fort obligeante. LISETTE. Non, Madame, c'est de l'amour qui regarde vos appas; il en a prononc le mot sans bredouiller comme l'ordinaire. C'est de la flamme... Il languit, il soupire. LA COMTESSE. Est-il possible? Sur ce pied-l , je le plains, car ce n'est pas un tourdi: il faut qu'il le sente, puisqu'il le dit; et ce n'est pas de ces gens-l dont[51] je me moque: jamais leur amour n'est ridicule. Mais il n'osera m'en parler, n'est-ce pas? LISETTE. Oh! ne craignez rien! j'y ai mis bon ordre:[52] il ne s'y jouera pas.[53] Je lui ai t toute esp rance. N'ai-je pas bien fait? LA COMTESSE. Mais oui, sans doute, oui, pourvu que vous ne l'ayez pas brusqu , pourtant. Il falloit y prendre garde: c'est un ami que je veux conserver. Et vous avez quelquefois le ton dur et rev che, Lisette; il valoit mieux le laisser dire. LISETTE. Point du tout. Il vouloit que je vous parlasse en sa faveur. LA COMTESSE. Ce pauvre homme! LISETTE. Et je lui ai r pondu que je ne pouvois pas m'en m ler, que je me brouillerais avec vous si je vous en parlois, que vous me donneriez mon cong , que vous lui donneriez le sien. LA COMTESSE. Le sien. Quelle grossi ret ! Ah! que c'est mal parler! Son cong ? Et m me est-ce que je vous aurois donn le v tre? Vous savez bien que non. D'o vient[54] mentir, Lisette? C'est un ennemi que vous m'allez faire d'un des hommes du monde que je consid re le plus et qui le m rite le mieux. Quel sot langage de domestique! Eh! il toit si simple de vous tenir[55] lui dire: Monsieur, je ne saurois; ce ne sont pas l mes affaires. Parlez-en vous-m me. Et je voudrais qu'il os t m'en parler, pour racommoder un peu votre malhonn tet . Son cong ! son cong ! Il va se croire insult . LISETTE. Eh non, Madame; il toit impossible de vous en d barrasser moins de frais. Faut-il que vous l'aimiez, de peur de le f cher? Voulez-vous tre sa femme par politesse, lui qui doit pouser Hortense? Je ne lui ai rien dit de trop; et vous en voil quitte. Mais je l'aper ois qui vient en r vant. vitez-le, vous avez le temps. LA COMTESSE. L' viter, lui qui me voit! Ah! je m'en garderai bien. Apr s les discours que vous lui avez tenus, il croirait que je les ai dict s. Non, non, je ne changerai rien ma fa on de vivre avec lui. Allez porter ma lettre. LISETTE, _ part_. Hum! il y a ici quelque chose. (_Haut_.) Madame, je suis d'avis de rester aupr s de vous. Cela m'arrive souvent, et vous en serez plus l'abri d'une d claration. LA COMTESSE. Belle finesse! Quand je lui chapperois aujourd'hui, ne me trouvera-t-il pas demain? Il faudrait donc vous avoir toujours mes c t s? Non, non. Partez. S'il me parle, je sais r pondre. LISETTE. Je suis vous dans l'instant; je n'ai qu' donner cette lettre un laquais. LA COMTESSE. Non, Lisette: c'est une lettre de cons quence, et vous me ferez plaisir de la porter vous-m me, parce que, si le courier est pass , vous me la rapporterez, et je l'enverrai par une autre voie. Je ne me fie point aux valets: ils ne sont point exacts. LISETTE. Le courrier ne passe que dans deux heures, Madame. LA COMTESSE. Eh! allez, vous dis-je. Que sait-on? LISETTE, _ part_. Quel pr texte! (_Haut_.) Cette femme-l ne va pas droit avec moi. SC NE VII. LA COMTESSE, _seule_. Elle avoit la fureur de rester. Les domestiques sont ha ssables; il n'y a pas jusqu' leur z le qui ne vous d soblige. C'est toujours de travers qu'ils vous servent. SC NE VIII. LA COMTESSE, L PINE. L PINE. Madame, monsieur le Marquis vous a vue[56] de loin avec Lisette. Il demande s'il n'y a point de mal qu'il approche; il a le d sir de vous consulter, mais il se fait le scrupule[57] de vous tre importun. LA COMTESSE. Lui importun! Il ne sauroit l' tre. Dites-lui que je l'attends, L pine; qu'il vienne. L PINE. Je vais le r jouir de la nouvelle. Vous l'allez voir dans la minute. SC NE IX. L PINE, LE MARQUIS. L PINE, _appelant le Marquis_. Monsieur, venez prendre audience. Madame l'accorde. (_Quand le Marquis est venu, il lui dit part:_) Courage, Monsieur! l'accueil est gracieux, presque tendre: c'est un coeur qui demande qu'on le prenne. SC NE X. LA COMTESSE, LE MARQUIS. LA COMTESSE. Eh! d'o vient donc la c r monie que vous faites, Marquis?... Vous n'y songez pas.[58] LE MARQUIS. Madame, vous avez bien de la bont ... C'est que j'ai bien des choses vous dire. LA COMTESSE. Effectivement, vous me paroissez r veur, inquiet. LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai l'esprit en peine. J'ai besoin de conseil, j'ai besoin de gr ces, et le tout de votre part. LA COMTESSE. Tant mieux. Vous avez encore moins besoin de tout cela que je n'ai d'envie de vous tre bonne quelque chose. LE MARQUIS. O bonne! Il ne tient qu' vous de m' tre excellente, si vous voulez. LA COMTESSE. Comment, si je veux? Manquez-vous de confiance? Ah! je vous prie, ne me m nagez point. Vous pouvez tout sur moi, Marquis; je suis bien aise de vous le dire. LE MARQUIS. Cette assurance m'est bien agr able, et je serois tent d'en abuser. LA COMTESSE. J'ai grand'peur que vous ne r sistiez la tentation. Vous ne comptez pas assez sur vos amis, car vous tes si r serv , si retenu... LE MARQUIS. Oui, j'ai beaucoup de timidit . LA COMTESSE. Je fais de mon mieux pour vous l' ter, comme vous voyez. LE MARQUIS. Vous savez dans quelle situation je suis avec Hortense; que je dois l' pouser ou lui donner deux cent mille francs. LA COMTESSE. Oui, et je me suis aper ue que vous n'aviez pas grand go t pour elle. LE MARQUIS. Oh! on ne peut pas moins.[59] Je ne l'aime point du tout. LA COMTESSE. Je n'en suis pas surprise: son caract re est si diff rent du v tre! Elle a quelque chose de trop arrang [60] pour vous. LE MARQUIS. Vous y tes. Elle songe trop ses gr ces. Il faudroit toujours l'entretenir de compliments, et moi, ce n'est pas l mon fort. La coquetterie me g ne, elle me rend muet. LA COMTESSE. Ah! ah! je conviens qu'elle en a un peu; mais presque toutes les femmes sont de m me. Vous ne trouverez que cela partout, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Hors chez vous. Quelle diff rence, par exemple! Vous plaisez sans y penser. Ce n'est pas votre faute: vous ne savez pas seulement que vous tes aimable; mais d'autres le savent pour vous. LA COMTESSE. Moi, Marquis, je pense qu' cet gard-l les autres songent aussi peu moi que j'y songe moi-m me. LE MARQUIS. Oh! j'en connois qui ne vous disent pas tout ce qu'ils songent. LA COMTESSE. Eh! qui sont-ils, Marquis? Quelques amis comme vous, sans doute. LE MARQUIS. Bon, des amis! Voil bien de quoi! Vous n'en aurez encore de longtemps.[61] LA COMTESSE. Je vous suis oblig e du petit compliment que vous me faites en passant. LE MARQUIS. Point du tout. Je ne passe jamais, moi; je dis toujours expr s. LA COMTESSE, _riant_. Comment! vous qui ne voulez pas que j'aie encore des amis, est-ce que vous n' tes pas le mien? LE MARQUIS. Vous m'excuserez; mais, quand je serois autre chose,[62] il n'y auroit rien de surprenant. LA COMTESSE. Eh bien! je ne laisserois pas que d'en tre surprise.[63] LE MARQUIS. Et encore plus f ch e. LA COMTESSE. En v rit , surprise. Je veux pourtant croire que je suis aimable, puisque vous le dites. LE MARQUIS. O charmante! Et je serois bien heureux si Hortense vous ressembloit. Je l' pouserois d'un grand coeur, et j'ai bien de la peine m'y r soudre. LA COMTESSE. Je le crois, et ce seroit encore pis si vous aviez de l'inclination pour une autre. LE MARQUIS. Eh bien! c'est que justement le pis s'y trouve. LA COMTESSE, _par exclamation_. Oui? Vous aimez ailleurs? LE MARQUIS. De toute mon me. LA COMTESSE, _en souriant_. Je m'en suis dout e, Marquis. LE MARQUIS. Et vous tes-vous dout e de la personne? LA COMTESSE. Non, mais vous me la direz. LE MARQUIS. Vous me feriez grand plaisir de la deviner. LA COMTESSE. Eh! pourquoi m'en donneriez-vous la peine, puisque vous voil ? LE MARQUIS. C'est que vous ne connoissez qu'elle:[64] c'est la plus aimable femme, la plus franche. Vous parlez de gens sans fa on: il n'y a personne comme elle; plus je la vois, plus je l'admire. LA COMTESSE. pousez-la, Marquis, pousez-la, et laissez l Hortense. Il n'y a point h siter: vous n'avez point d'autre parti prendre. LE MARQUIS. Oui, mais je songe une chose... N'y auroit-il pas moyen de me sauver les deux cent mille francs? Je vous parle coeur ouvert. LA COMTESSE. Regardez-moi dans cette occasion-ci comme une autre vous-m me. LE MARQUIS. Ah! que c'est bien dit! une autre moi-m me! LA COMTESSE. Ce qui me pla t en vous, c'est votre franchise, qui est une qualit admirable. Revenons. Comment vous sauver ces deux cent mille francs? LE MARQUIS. C'est que Hortense aime le Chevalier. Mais, propos, c'est votre parent? LA COMTESSE. Oh! parent de loin. LE MARQUIS. Or, de cet amour qu'elle a pour lui, je conclus qu'elle ne se soucie pas de moi. Je n'ai donc qu' faire semblant de vouloir l' pouser. Elle me refusera, et je ne lui devrai plus rien. Son refus me servira de quittance. LA COMTESSE. Oui-da,[65] vous pouvez le tenter. Ce n'est pas qu'il n'y ait du risque:[66] elle a du discernement, Marquis, Vous supposez qu'elle vous refusera; je n'en sais rien: vous n' tes pas homme d daigner. LE MARQUIS. Est-il vrai? LA COMTESSE. C'est mon sentiment. LE MARQUIS. Vous me flattez; vous encouragez ma franchise. LA COMTESSE. Je vous encourage! Eh! mais en tes-vous encore l ? Mettez-vous donc dans l'esprit que je ne demande qu' vous obliger, qu'il n'y a que l'impossible qui m'arr tera, et que vous devez compter sur tout ce qui d pendra de moi. Ne perdez point cela de vue, trange homme que vous tes, et achevez hardiment. Vous voulez des conseils, je vous en

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Drop Dead Gorgeous Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> DROP DEAD GORGEOUS DROP DEAD GORGEOUS FADE IN: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - MINNESOTA - DAY Vintage black and white stock footage of some farms and farmhouses. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY Color footage of cotton fields passing by. We FREEZE and FADE TO BLACK. TITLE WIPES IN: 1995 MARKED THE FIFTIETH ANNIVERSARY OF THE NATION'S OLDEST BEAUTY CONTEST... THE SARAH ROSE COSMETICS AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS PAGEANT A DOCUMENTARY FILM CREW WAS SENT TO A SMALL TOWN IN MINNESOTA TO COMMEMORATE THIS OCCASSION. INT. PAGEANT AUDITORIUM - MOUNT ROSE - DAY Vintage blue-toned stock footage of a teenage beauty pageant contestant. LEGS WIPE IN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Sarah Rose knows you're a beautiful person.... Blue-toned stock footage of a long row of beauty pageant contestants on stage. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Sarah Rose knows you have an unusual talent. Sarah Rose knows you're a teenage girl. Blue-toned stock footage of the row of contestants parading down some steps from the stage as CAMERA TILTS DOWN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Mmm, and she definitely knows that you are ready for the ultimate teen glamour. ROUSING PATRIOTIC MUSIC. FAST PACED CUTS feature SMILING TEENAGE CONTESTANTS dancing and waving American flags. APPLAUSE! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant. Each contestant wears a BANNER ACROSS her dress reading: AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) And now, a few words... ANGLE ON Contestants DROP, ROLL and form a STAR. CHEERS! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) ...from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. ADAM WEST The American Teen Princess Pageant has been enriching the lives of American- made girls since 1945. TITLES FADE ON SCREEN: Adam West, TV's Batman, then FADE OUT. ADAM WEST (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant provides personal growth, scholarship, travel, and you... Numerous contestants stand up in SHOT and SURROUND ADAM. ADAM WEST (cont'd) ...might even meet a few celebrities. At the national level, thousands of seventeen year-old girls like yourselves. and compete around the country in places like: MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Beautiful Mount Rose, Minnesota. ADAM WEST And make it all the way here to Lincoln, Alabama, to compete for the title of American Teen Princess. LIGHTS come UP on the teenaged girls in the pageant as they pause. As they WAVE AMERICAN FLAGS. Adam West turns back to the camera. ADAM WEST (cont'd) And now, a few words from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. Contestants strike a pose around him. THUNDEROUS CANNED APPLAUSE! ADAM WEST (cont'd) (pointing to camera) So, which one of you will it b-- SCREEN SUDDENLY STATIC. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY SCENE from "DAYS OF OUR LIVES" PULL BACK to reveal the VIDEO is on a TV in front of a GROUP OF SEVENTEEN YEAR-OLD GIRLS, sitting in gym bleachers. [NOTE: The film is shot documentary style. PEOPLE ARE REAL. Their lives revolve around this pageant. All speak with a THICK MINNESOTA ACCENT.] THREE "CIVIL SERVETTES," the local women's group. [Picture unattractive Stepford Wives in matching windbreakers] stand beside GLADYS LEEMAN, 34, president. She STOPS THE VIDEO. GLADYS LEEMAN Good God, Iris, you taped your shows over it. IRIS Sorry. Gladys turns to the GIRLS in the bleachers. SUPER: MOUNT ROSE, MINNESOTA POPULATION: 5,076 GLADYS LEEMAN Now ladies, the rest of the tape - which is now gone forever - goes on about startin' this great American journey we call American Teen Princess...Yah-so, any of you young ladies who'd like to start on that journey, you just come right down here and sign up. And please...help yourselves to some coffee and bars... SMASH EDIT TO: Gladys seated with middle-aged women. GLADYS Showtime. SUPER: GLADYS LEEMAN, LOCAL CHAIRMAN, PAGEANT ORGANIZING COMMITTEE. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you think that most people would say that teenage beauty pageants are a good idea? GLADYS Oh yah-sure, I know what some of your big city, no bra wearin', hairy-legged women's libbers say, "Pageants are old- fashioned" and, uh, and "demeaning" to the girls -- IRIS (jumping in) What's sick is women dressin' like men! Civil Servettes stare at her a beat. GLADYS Uh... You betcha, Iris. (quickly, back to camera) Yah-I think yous boys'll find that things are different here in Mount Rose... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) For one thing, y'know, we're God fearin' folk - every last one of us... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) You won't find a back room in our video store... Servettes AD-LIB "AMEN. YAH-YOU BETCHA." etc. GLADYS (cont'd) (V.O.) ...that filth is better left in the "Sin Cities." IRIS A.k.a. Minneapolis - St. Paul. PULL AWAY from MINNEAPOLIS SKYLINE to COUNTRYSIDE. EXT. QUAINT MAIN STREET The camera drives down the street. EXT. PICTURESQUE MIDDLE-CLASS NEIGHBORHOODS The camera drives down the street. EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE A HAPPY FAMILY raises the AMERICAN FLAG. EXT. SUBURBAN DRIVEWAY BURLY GUYS look up from washing a FORD TRUCK. EXT. TRAILER PARK Sign next to it reads: "Welcome to Mount Rose, Home of Freda Klinghagen, Minnesota's Oldest Living Lutheran" complete with a photo of the extremely old woman smiling and waving. EXT. CREW VAN An ELDERLY COUPLE looks in the passenger window of the van. ELDERLY MAN (MAYOR) Oh, yah-sure, Freda, yah. She was the oldest livin' Lutheran. Now she's dead as a doornail. It's them damn Shriners who ain't taken that Goddamn sign down yet - those lazy sons-a- bitches... I tells kem, I tells kem every goddamn year, "Take the Goddamn Freda sign down, you lazy sons-a-bitches!" SUPER: MAYOR OF MOUNT ROSE INT. GLADYS' VAN - DAY Through the window a family waves to Gladys. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY Two BOYS play basketball in the driveway of their home. EXT. FRONT LAWN - DAY SMALL CHILDREN in bathing suits play on a lawn. A boy shoots his water pistol. INT. LEEMAN STATION WAGON - AFTERNOON Civil Servettes and crew are piled in. Gladys drives. GLADYS ...Today's "To Do" list includes a trip to the Mall of America. We need outfits for the "Physical Fitness" number -- IRIS Nothin' too showy! GLADYS Y'betcha, Iris. We still need a third judge and we need to think of a theme. Servettes react with pleasure. IRIS Gladys -- Gladys! Look out! A CAR SWERVES. GLADYS Oh, my! (waving out window) Hello, Father Donigan! Sidewalks, sidewalks? Iris mimes drinking, "glug, glug." GLADYS (cont'd) Iris, stop! (to camera) It's not his fault. The communal wine just proves too temptin' for some of them. IRIS That's why we Lutherans use grape Koolaid for the blood of Christ. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA In the vast, already full parking lot, we see Gladys Leeman's station wagon searching for a parking spot. IRIS Oh, there's a parking space over there. Oh, no, that's just a compact. Sorry. GLADYS You'd think they'd build the parking lot of America to go with the Mall of America! Gladys pulls into a HANDICAPPED SPOT. Servettes and CAMERA stand outside the car. Iris points at the sign. IRIS It's a two-hundred dollar fine! GLADYS I said I'd move if a cripple came. Let's just run in the store and pick out some outfits. IRIS All right, let's go. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA PARKING LOT Iris and another Servette start to get out of the car. GLADYS Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! I just thought of the theme. Iris and the Servette stop. IRIS Oh! What is it? GLADYS (cont'd) "Proud...to be...an...American." Servettes react with pleasure. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOA PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So what was the theme of the pageant last year? GLADYS Last year? It was, "Buy American." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) And the year before that? GLADYS "U.S.A. is A-okay." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Can you remember the theme of your favorite pageant? GLADYS "Can I? I'm Amer-I-Can!" People ask me where I get this. I don't know, it's...maybe a gift from God or somethin'. INT. MOUNT ROSE HIGH - GYM - DAY PAN DOWN row of EIGHT GIRLS signing up and eating bars. SUPER: LOCAL PAGEANT REGISTRATION, MOUNT ROSE HIGH SCHOOL ANGLE ON LESLIE MILLER - sexy/peppy girl in CHEERLEADING UNIFORM. LESLIE MILLER ...Hi. (giggles) I'm Leslie Miller. I'm signin' up kcause-ah, y'know, I always watch pageants on the TV and my boyfriend thinks I'll win. SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, LESLIE MILLER She makes "gills" on the sides of her head with her hands. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) For my talent, I'm gonna be doing the.. Two FOOTBALL PLAYERS interrupt: PAT, her boyfriend, and BRETT, who smiles and gives a nod to Amber. Pat grabs Leslie and kisses her hard. LESLIE (cont'd) Uh, Pat, I'm trying to tell themabout my...Oh... Hormones take over and they lock lips again. She wraps her legs around him. He feels up her ass. They continue groping as her Washington Monument slips off. CUT TO: Leslie waves and blows kisses while performing a cheerleader chant. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) Hi, Pat! Go, Muskies! Whoo! INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM AMBER ATKINS - naturally pretty blonde, sweet as sugar pie, stares into camera like a deer caught in headlights. AMBER ATKINS (suddenly looking O.C.) Hi, I-I'm Amber Atkins and, um, I'm signin' up k'cause, ah, my two favorite people in the world competed. My mom and Diane Sawyer...Course I hope I end up a little more like Diane Sawyer than my mom... She flashes a GRIN, we melt. INT. FUNERAL HOME/EMBALMING ROOM - DAY Amber tap-dances as she applies make-up to a MALE CORPSE. SUPER: CONTESTANT #1, AMBER ATKINS DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you do any of the, uh, embalming? AMBER (laughing) Oh, my God, no. Oh, God. I just do the hair and makeup on the deceased. EXT. ROAD - DAY Amber tap dances at the side of the road as traffic passes. AMBER (V.O.) I'm lucky I have an after-school job where I can practice my talent. EXT. MOA PARKING LOT - DAY GLADYS Oh, yeah, sure. You know, every pageant is special, but this one is extra-special to me. When I was seventeen, I don't know if you know this, but I was crowned Mount Rose's American Teen Princess. And this year...drum roll please, my lovely daughter, Rebecca Ann Leeman is competin'. INT. HIGH SCHOOL REBECCA LEEMAN stands in front of Amber and addresses the camerman (O.S.). BECKY Is this my mark? (it is) Hi, I'm Rebecca Leeman. And I believe this pageant is an important experience for every young woman. It, well, it teaches you what's really important in life, and it has the power to change you in ways you've never dreamed of. INT. GUN RANGE Becky, in shooting goggles and ear muffs, FIRES a Glock- 17 9mm pistol with both hands. Sign on wall reads: "Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club." (See Iona in b.g. with an arsenal of sniper weaponry.) BECKY (yelling over noise) ...What?! Klinghagen thinks it'll all come down to me and Amber? Becky stops firing and takes off her hear muffs. BECKY (cont'd) Well, you have to take everything Mrs. Klinghagen says with a grain of salt. Not all your Catholics go to communion for the wafers, if you know what I mean... JUMP CUT TO: INT. LUTHERAN SISTERHOOD GUN RANGE - LATER Becky thumbs bullets into her magazine as she talks. BECKY ...Yah-my mom gave me this nine-mil for my thirteenth birthday... SUPER: CONTESTANT #6, BECKY LEEMAN I'll always remember what she wrote in the card. "Jesus loves winners." That's why, no matter what I do... She shoves the magazine back in her pistol. BECKY (cont'd) I aim to win. She smiles to camera, then violently fires off a few rounds. Zoom in on the MALE TARGET: several bullet holes in the head. INT. "NEW YORK, NEW YORK" BEDROOM - DAY It's all NEW YORK MEMORABILIA. Lisa Swenson - big bubbly girl - sits on her bed. LISA Why? Well, uh, it's kind of like askin', "Why do all the guys chew Copenhagen?" You know? I mean, if you're seventeen and you're not a total fry, it's just what you do. ETHEL MERMAN's "Everything's Coming Up Roses" PLAYS over speakers. SUPER: CONTESTANT #7, LISA SWENSON DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Have you decided what your talent is going to be yet? LISA I'm gonna sing and dance to, "New York, New York." See, I fell in love with The Big Apple last summer when I was visitin' my brother. He followed his dream to New York. PICKS UP 8x10's, shows to camera. LISA (cont'd) This is Peter as Liza. This is him as Madonna. Oh, here's me with him as Barbara... INT. "GERMAN SHEPHERD" BEDROOM - DAY TESS WEINHAUS, wearing an "I love German Shepherds" t- shirt. The room is filled with German Shepherd paraphernalia. TESS Uh... I don't know what my talent's gonna be yet... SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, TESS WEINHAUS TESS (cont'd) Kenny. Kenny, come. Come, Kenny. A DACHSHUND enters and jumps on her lap. TESS (cont'd) This is Kenny. Spike, my German Shepherd, went to live with a nice family on a farm after he attacked me. It wasn't his fault. I had beef jerky in my front pocket. (pulling up shirt) They re-made my belly with skin from my butt. DISSOLVE TO: INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY - DAY IONA HILDERBRANDT - librarian, 65+ - stamps books. SUPER: IONA HILDERBRANDT, MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS - 1945 IONA HILDERBRANTDT (smoked for sixty years) I was Mount Rose American Teen Princess in 1945. We were at war with the Japs. ANGLE ON A vintage B&W photograph of 18-year-old IONA HILDERBRANDT, looking surprised with hands on cheeks, is being crowned MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS by TWO SOLDIERS on a GYM STAGE. YOUNG IONA, wearing TIARA, stands with SOLDIERS and WAR OFFICIALS beside a boiling pot of metal. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (V.O.) (cont'd) I didn't even get to keep my damn tiara. Iona's about to drop her tiara into a recycling bin. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (cont'd) Had to turn it in for scrap. DISSOLVE TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM MOLLY HOWARD, a large white girl, sits between a JAPANESE COUPLE, Mr. and Mrs. HOWARD. SUPER: CONTESTANT #5, MOLLY HOWARD MR. HOWARD (heavy accent) ... So we adopt Molly three year ago when we come to America, to help acclimate us to American. MOLLY (smiling) To America, Dad. Mr. Howard laughs. MRS. HOWARD She all-American girl. She our American Teen Princess girl. MOLLY Oh, Mom... The Howard's biological daughter (they renamed her "TINA") ENTERS FRAME. Although she's the picture of beauty, grace, talent and charm, she represents their old life. TINA (in Japanese) Excuse me, Father, Mother, when are we moving back to Tokyo? I can't stand this place anymore. They put butter on everything. MR. HOWARD (turning, suddenly angry) English! English, you stupid little retard! We America now, Tina! TINA (perfect English) I'm sorry, Dad, but with all due respect, my name isn't "Tina," it's Seiko. MR. HOWARD Tina! Tina!! TINA!!! MRS. HOWARD "Robert," settle down. MR. HOWARD (screaming) AHHHHHH! Mr. Howard suddenly grabs his chest. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene. Mr. Howard is gone. TINA Mom, I just finished the third movement of that concerto I was working on. I put, like, this techno beat on this Japanese folk tune - wanna hear it? MR. HOWARD (running down the hall) No! We not like to hear it! Go to your room and shut up! TINA Oh, I almost forgot... (removing envelope from pocket) I got my acceptance to Tokyo University. MR. HOWARD What, you deaf? I say shut up-shut up- SHUT UP! (coming at camera) Cut her outta this! JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene on couch. MR. HOWARD Now Molly, tell movie man what you talent do. MOLLY I'll be line dancin'. MR. HOWARD (giving thumbs up) Country western! MRS. HOWARD Clint Black! Ruff! MR. HOWARD Hey, what he got I not got? They all laugh. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE CLOSE ON Michelle Johanson's face. MICHELLE ... Yah-I'll be performing a dramatic monologue. SUPER: CONTESTANT #2, MICHELLE JOHANSON MICHELLE (cont'd) Right now, I'm thinkin' "Othello" or... "Soylent Green." Lots of girls make a smooth transition from pageants into actin', y'know. SMASH CUT TO: LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) CONNIE, mid-30's, Midwestern attractive, wearing a sash and tiara, stands in front of a BLUE SCREEN of a FOREST. CONNIE Competin' for the title of Minnesota's American Teen Princess sure was excitin'. But, I never coulda won without my... PULL BACK to reveal a table full of PORK PRODUCTS. CONNIE (cont'd) St. Paul Pork Products! LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SCREEN CHANGES to OUTSIDE FACTORY/STOCK YARDS. Connie now wears a coat and hat and acts as if it's chilly. CONNIE (cont'd) I've been enjoyin' St. Paul Pork Products for years. I grew up right next to these stock yards. SCREEN CHANGES to VIDEO of a SLAUGHTER LINE. PIG CARCASSES move on hooks. Connie wears a hard hat and blood stained butcher's apron. CONNIE (cont'd) It's still the same family-run business that Walter and Vera Polarski started in 1920 when they raised and slaughtered their first pig. Connie grabs a HOT DOG from O.C. and takes a bite. CONNIE (cont'd) Mmm-mmmm. I just love St. Paul Pork Products. In fact, I love kem so much LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SLIDE CHANGES to VIDEO of the SAUSAGE LINE. Workers stuff sausages. Connie wears a white jumpsuit and hairnet. CONNIE (cont'd) I work here now! INT. BETZ LIVING ROOM - NIGHT MRS. BETZ, a large woman, holds a tray of bars. CREW MEMBERS REACH IN THE SHOT and help themselves. JANELLE BETZ sits on the couch, SIGNING EVERYTHING she says. JANELLE (slow, due to signing) ...My talent will be an interpretive dance while I sing, "Through the Eyes of Love." I have a dream of spreadin' sign language around the world... Mom? Would you be so kind? SUPER: CONTESTANT #8, JANELLE BETZ JANELLE (cont'd) Yeah. Well, see, uh, I have a dream of spreading sign language around the world. (to Mrs. Betz) Mom, would you be so kind. Mrs. Betz quickly puts down the bars and goes to the piano where she starts "Through the Eyes of Love." Janelle begins to gesticulate and sign words in an overly dramatic performance that looks like a bizarre seizure. SOUND occasionally DIPS OUT as the BOOM OPERATOR reaches for bars. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER TAMMY CURRY - a cute, jock-type. She wears a LETTER JACKET, covered with VARSITY SPORTS PATCHES. TAMMY CURRY Tammy Curry. I'm signin' up for the scholarship'n'all. SMASH CUT TO: INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM She POINTS to VARIOUS PATCHES on her LETTER JACKET. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) ...This one's for Varsity Soccer, uh, I'm captain. (pointing) I run track, and, uh... (points to small gun patch) Right here, I'm the new President of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club... ANGLE ON LSGC PRESIDENT logo patch. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) (O.S.) I love that one. EXT. FARM FIELD Shot from crew van. Sun is setting behind a lovely field of green. A John Deere Thresher travels across the burning red horizon. DOCUMENTARIAN (V.O.) Would you say you have a good chance to win this pageant? SUPER: CONTESTANT #9, TAMMY CURRY TAMMY (V.O.) Yeah, you bet I do. I mean, maybe other people think I can't win a beauty pageant. But other people didn't think I could beat out Becky Leeman for President of the gun club, either. And I did. I-I-It's just like Anthony Robbins says, "I'm a winner. Nobody can stop me but me!" KABLOOM! Tammy's John Deere thresher BLOWS UP! INT. LUTHERAN CHURCH BASEMENT - KITCHEN AREA - NIGHT CLOSE ON framed school photo of Tammy Curry. PULL BACK to see her letter jacket - scorched and torn (Lutheran Gun Club patch is MISSING) - and flowers. CONTINUE PULLING BACK to reveal both are surrounded by buns, bars and coffee on a long buffet table. A line of somber and repressed Lutherans help themselves to the food. Servettes stand at the ready. Gladys and Iris face the camera. GLADYS Well, you know, I think everyone's doing really well considering the fact that she was so young. IRIS It's always hard to see the young ones called home, especially on an exploding thresher. It's just so odd and gross. GLADYS You know that sometimes it's hard to understand God's great plan. IRIS Yeah. Iris pats Gladys on the shoulder. FEMALE MOURNER #1 May I have a tissue? GLADYS But the show must go on. (she faces Iris) I gotta get a hold of Ted and ask him if we can use that barn light as a spot again. So you watch the Jell-o salad, okay? IRIS All right. Okay. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER It's smokey as hell. THREE "FRY" GIRLS and a PREGNANT "FRY" GIRL - all with "shelf bangs" - smoke and drink. FRY GIRL #1 ...Oh, yeah-right. I ain't gonna be in no goddamn pageant! Look what happened to that dork-ass farm girl. PREGNANT FRY GIRL (O.C.) Tammy Curry? FRY GIRL #1 Yah-yah. Everyone says this is a big accident? She got iced because she wins everything, and this time someone didn't want her to win. PREGNANT FRY GIRL This pageant's like a roach motel. FRY GIRL #1 Girls check in, but they don't check out. PREGNANT FRY GIRL Yeah. And they say smokin' is bad for your health. FRY GIRL #1 (raising cigarette into frame) Yeah. EXT. OLD TWO STORY HOUSE - ESTABLISHING - DAY SIGN painted on GARAGE DOOR: "Dance Studio, Downstairs past the Laundry Room." CAMERA moves DOWNSTAIRS to converted basement. LISA SWENSON and two other large "ballerinas" practice at a 2x4/ballet barre. MOZART plays in the b.g. CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN watches and smokes. (Picture Betty Davis in her final days.) CHLORIS And tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. And repeat. Suck in the belly, girls, and tuck in the tushes! SUPER: CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN, CHOREOGRAPHER CHLORIS (cont'd) Close those legs! You look like a bunch of bowlegged cows! Other side. And...tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. CUT TO: Chloris smokes and talks to camera. "Ballerinas" practice. CHLORIS (cont'd) Yeah, you boys sure picked a good year. If I was a betting woman, and there was a line on this in Vegas, I'd lay down ten-to-one that it all comes down to Amber Atkins and Becky Leeman. Oh, sweet Jesus, what a showdown this could be if Cain and Abel... The SOUND RECORDIST enters and Lisa spins out of control, taking him out. She leans over and comforts him. LISA Ow! Oh, God. It's so em-so embarrassing. EST. SHOT - "DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC" - DAY MARY (V.O.) (labored breaths) My winning...the Mount Rose... INT. PATIENT'S ROOM - DAY SMILING ANOREXIC GIRL sits in bed - a TIARA in what's left of her hair and a SASH over her hospital gown. MARY ...American Teen Princess Pageant... SUPER: MARY JOHANSON, REIGNING MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS MARY (cont'd) ...really changed my life. The TIARA SLIPS OFF her BALDING HEAD and rolls to the floor. INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber fixes Mary's hair, carefully brushing her balding head. Mary smiles, oblivious. MARY (labored breaths) ...Amber does my hair...once a week. AMBER (flattered and embarrassed) Well...it's the least I can do for the reigning Mount Rose Junior Miss Amer-- Amber pulls the brush away with a clump of Mary's hair dangling from it. AMBER (cont'd) Oh God... MARY What? AMBER Huh? Oh...Uh, just a little snarl... Amber mouths, "Shhh! Don't tell!" to camera as she tries to pull the clump of hair from the brush. JUMP CUT TO: INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber ties the tiara and missing clump of hair to Mary's head with a ribbon. AMBER There we go. She holds the mirror for Mary. MARY (delusional) Beautiful... Maybe next week... a perm. AMBER Yah... sure... Amber gives a kind but worried smile to camera. Suddenly, Becky Leeman enters with a large box of chocolates. She's fully aware of the cameras from the moment she enters. BECKY Hellooo, Little Mary Sunshine! (pretending to notice camera) What?! Oh-oh my God! Lights! Camera! And me without a stitch of make-up on. What are you guys doin' here? She's in full make-up. AMBER What're you doin' here? BECKY Oh, Amber, like you're the only one who visits Mary. MARY (to Becky) Who are you? BECKY (covering) "Who are you?!" Oh Mary, you kill me. (to camera) She always says that. It's a little game we play. Every week - same dippy little look on her face. "Who are you - who are you?" Just like that. (in Mary's face) It's me - Becky - and I brought your favorites. Becky puts the chocolates on Mary's lap, a few spill. Throughout the following, Mary slowly reaches for them as if they're forbidden fruit and she's a very hungry Eve. AMBER How nice, Becky, she's anorexic. Becky roughly puts her hands over Mary's ears, who's now gently petting the spilled chocolates in her lap. BECKY (sotto, reprimanding tone) She's skinny, not deaf, Amber. EXT. TRAILER - LATE AFTERNOON MONTAGE - Amber taps around the mobile home community, HOME FROM SCHOOL - backpack, Walkman, cool music blaring. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber stands in a room the SIZE OF A CLOSET. Posters, articles and pictures of great tap dancers and Diane Sawyer cover the walls. AMBER ... Dreams? Yah-sure I got kem... Sometimes I dream of winnin'... I dream of gettin' outta Mount Rose and bein' a big time reporter like Diane Sawyer. I mean, guys get outta Mount Rose all the time for hockey scholarships or prison. But the pageant's kinda my only chance. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber points to LARGE PAGEANT PHOTO OF DIANE SAWYER - 1963 AMBER ... Yah-1963. Her beauty worked against her when she started as a reporter in Louisville, her hometown. Those were different times. ANNETTE (O.S.) (yelling, coughing) Hey, Amber, y'get my smokes? AMBER (smiling) That's my mom. (yelling) I'll get kem in a sec. ANNETTE ATKINS, Amber's mom - sexy, but tired - OPENS THE DOOR. ANNETTE (surprised by cameras) Oh shit! AMBER They're from L.A. They wanted to see my room and film me for their movie. ANNETTE (mock-touched, to crew) Oh... How quickly they grow up. (exiting, smiling) Hey, if they ask you to take off your shirt, get the money first. Annette is gone. ANNETTE (cont'd) (O.S.) And go get my smokes! JUMP CUT TO: EST. SHOT - LEEMAN FAMILY HOME - DAY Landscaped grounds surround this lovely two-story. INT. LEEMAN HOME - VARIOUS ROOMS Brief "LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH & FAMOUS" montage of Gladys showing off interiors to the theme from "GONE WITH THE WIND." INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY It looks like a Levitz showroom. Gladys sits stiffly between Becky and her husband, LESTER - mid-60's, gruff, "old school" salesman, drink in hand. LESTER ...You betcha. S'posed to be colder-n- a witches tit tonight... GLADYS (nervous laugh) Oh, Lester. He loves his weather, y'know. LESTER (looking to crew, O.S.) Hey, ya like it? Open it...Yah-the globe. Pull at the equator there. GLADYS We're not in the showroom, Dear. Banging and fumbling. A CORKSCREW flies into shot - CREW GUY quickly ENTERS SHOT and grabs it. LESTER Fits three full-size booze bottles. The cassette deck pulls outta Afghanistan, there. BECKY (embarrassed) Mommm... GLADYS Lester? LESTER Oh, all right (to camera) How soon they forget where all this comes from. BECKY Japan. LESTER That's enough, young lady. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER GLADYS "Impartial?" Outside this house I'm Gladys Leeman, President, Civil Servettes - impartial as the day is long. But we're inside my home now and I've gotta warn you, I'm wearin' my "wife apron" and "mom hat." So, I can safely say that I'm the mother of the most talented contestant Mount Rose has ever seen. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER Lester's gone from the couch. GLADYS I'll field that one - Rebecca's saving her voice. Becky smiles admiringly at Gladys. GLADYS (cont'd) You-betcha, Rebecca's ready. She's been singin' and dancin' since she was knee high to a pig's eye. Lester returns to the couch, large drink in hand. LESTER Yah-she's damn near as good as that little black fella - with the glass eye. GLADYS Sammy Davis, Jr., honey. LESTER Yeah, yeah, the Jew. BECKY Nice one, Dad. He's dead. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Same scene. BOYS' WRESTLING TEAM - tight singlets - runs laps around gym - between Servettes and camera. GLADYS ...Yah-then, for the "Judges Interview," each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges before the pageant... Gladys is distracted by the HARD, YOUNG bodies. All are. GLADYS Yes, the Judges Interview.. Each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges prior to the pageant. Then we have the... A HUNKY WRESTLER, TONY, waves. GLADYS (cont'd) Hello, Tony. TONY Hey. GLADYS "Hey" to

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Drop Dead Gorgeous Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> DROP DEAD GORGEOUS DROP DEAD GORGEOUS FADE IN: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - MINNESOTA - DAY Vintage black and white stock footage of some farms and farmhouses. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY Color footage of cotton fields passing by. We FREEZE and FADE TO BLACK. TITLE WIPES IN: 1995 MARKED THE FIFTIETH ANNIVERSARY OF THE NATION'S OLDEST BEAUTY CONTEST... THE SARAH ROSE COSMETICS AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS PAGEANT A DOCUMENTARY FILM CREW WAS SENT TO A SMALL TOWN IN MINNESOTA TO COMMEMORATE THIS OCCASSION. INT. PAGEANT AUDITORIUM - MOUNT ROSE - DAY Vintage blue-toned stock footage of a teenage beauty pageant contestant. LEGS WIPE IN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Sarah Rose knows you're a beautiful person.... Blue-toned stock footage of a long row of beauty pageant contestants on stage. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Sarah Rose knows you have an unusual talent. Sarah Rose knows you're a teenage girl. Blue-toned stock footage of the row of contestants parading down some steps from the stage as CAMERA TILTS DOWN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Mmm, and she definitely knows that you are ready for the ultimate teen glamour. ROUSING PATRIOTIC MUSIC. FAST PACED CUTS feature SMILING TEENAGE CONTESTANTS dancing and waving American flags. APPLAUSE! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant. Each contestant wears a BANNER ACROSS her dress reading: AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) And now, a few words... ANGLE ON Contestants DROP, ROLL and form a STAR. CHEERS! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) ...from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. ADAM WEST The American Teen Princess Pageant has been enriching the lives of American- made girls since 1945. TITLES FADE ON SCREEN: Adam West, TV's Batman, then FADE OUT. ADAM WEST (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant provides personal growth, scholarship, travel, and you... Numerous contestants stand up in SHOT and SURROUND ADAM. ADAM WEST (cont'd) ...might even meet a few celebrities. At the national level, thousands of seventeen year-old girls like yourselves. and compete around the country in places like: MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Beautiful Mount Rose, Minnesota. ADAM WEST And make it all the way here to Lincoln, Alabama, to compete for the title of American Teen Princess. LIGHTS come UP on the teenaged girls in the pageant as they pause. As they WAVE AMERICAN FLAGS. Adam West turns back to the camera. ADAM WEST (cont'd) And now, a few words from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. Contestants strike a pose around him. THUNDEROUS CANNED APPLAUSE! ADAM WEST (cont'd) (pointing to camera) So, which one of you will it b-- SCREEN SUDDENLY STATIC. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY SCENE from "DAYS OF OUR LIVES" PULL BACK to reveal the VIDEO is on a TV in front of a GROUP OF SEVENTEEN YEAR-OLD GIRLS, sitting in gym bleachers. [NOTE: The film is shot documentary style. PEOPLE ARE REAL. Their lives revolve around this pageant. All speak with a THICK MINNESOTA ACCENT.] THREE "CIVIL SERVETTES," the local women's group. [Picture unattractive Stepford Wives in matching windbreakers] stand beside GLADYS LEEMAN, 34, president. She STOPS THE VIDEO. GLADYS LEEMAN Good God, Iris, you taped your shows over it. IRIS Sorry. Gladys turns to the GIRLS in the bleachers. SUPER: MOUNT ROSE, MINNESOTA POPULATION: 5,076 GLADYS LEEMAN Now ladies, the rest of the tape - which is now gone forever - goes on about startin' this great American journey we call American Teen Princess...Yah-so, any of you young ladies who'd like to start on that journey, you just come right down here and sign up. And please...help yourselves to some coffee and bars... SMASH EDIT TO: Gladys seated with middle-aged women. GLADYS Showtime. SUPER: GLADYS LEEMAN, LOCAL CHAIRMAN, PAGEANT ORGANIZING COMMITTEE. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you think that most people would say that teenage beauty pageants are a good idea? GLADYS Oh yah-sure, I know what some of your big city, no bra wearin', hairy-legged women's libbers say, "Pageants are old- fashioned" and, uh, and "demeaning" to the girls -- IRIS (jumping in) What's sick is women dressin' like men! Civil Servettes stare at her a beat. GLADYS Uh... You betcha, Iris. (quickly, back to camera) Yah-I think yous boys'll find that things are different here in Mount Rose... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) For one thing, y'know, we're God fearin' folk - every last one of us... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) You won't find a back room in our video store... Servettes AD-LIB "AMEN. YAH-YOU BETCHA." etc. GLADYS (cont'd) (V.O.) ...that filth is better left in the "Sin Cities." IRIS A.k.a. Minneapolis - St. Paul. PULL AWAY from MINNEAPOLIS SKYLINE to COUNTRYSIDE. EXT. QUAINT MAIN STREET The camera drives down the street. EXT. PICTURESQUE MIDDLE-CLASS NEIGHBORHOODS The camera drives down the street. EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE A HAPPY FAMILY raises the AMERICAN FLAG. EXT. SUBURBAN DRIVEWAY BURLY GUYS look up from washing a FORD TRUCK. EXT. TRAILER PARK Sign next to it reads: "Welcome to Mount Rose, Home of Freda Klinghagen, Minnesota's Oldest Living Lutheran" complete with a photo of the extremely old woman smiling and waving. EXT. CREW VAN An ELDERLY COUPLE looks in the passenger window of the van. ELDERLY MAN (MAYOR) Oh, yah-sure, Freda, yah. She was the oldest livin' Lutheran. Now she's dead as a doornail. It's them damn Shriners who ain't taken that Goddamn sign down yet - those lazy sons-a- bitches... I tells kem, I tells kem every goddamn year, "Take the Goddamn Freda sign down, you lazy sons-a-bitches!" SUPER: MAYOR OF MOUNT ROSE INT. GLADYS' VAN - DAY Through the window a family waves to Gladys. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY Two BOYS play basketball in the driveway of their home. EXT. FRONT LAWN - DAY SMALL CHILDREN in bathing suits play on a lawn. A boy shoots his water pistol. INT. LEEMAN STATION WAGON - AFTERNOON Civil Servettes and crew are piled in. Gladys drives. GLADYS ...Today's "To Do" list includes a trip to the Mall of America. We need outfits for the "Physical Fitness" number -- IRIS Nothin' too showy! GLADYS Y'betcha, Iris. We still need a third judge and we need to think of a theme. Servettes react with pleasure. IRIS Gladys -- Gladys! Look out! A CAR SWERVES. GLADYS Oh, my! (waving out window) Hello, Father Donigan! Sidewalks, sidewalks? Iris mimes drinking, "glug, glug." GLADYS (cont'd) Iris, stop! (to camera) It's not his fault. The communal wine just proves too temptin' for some of them. IRIS That's why we Lutherans use grape Koolaid for the blood of Christ. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA In the vast, already full parking lot, we see Gladys Leeman's station wagon searching for a parking spot. IRIS Oh, there's a parking space over there. Oh, no, that's just a compact. Sorry. GLADYS You'd think they'd build the parking lot of America to go with the Mall of America! Gladys pulls into a HANDICAPPED SPOT. Servettes and CAMERA stand outside the car. Iris points at the sign. IRIS It's a two-hundred dollar fine! GLADYS I said I'd move if a cripple came. Let's just run in the store and pick out some outfits. IRIS All right, let's go. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA PARKING LOT Iris and another Servette start to get out of the car. GLADYS Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! I just thought of the theme. Iris and the Servette stop. IRIS Oh! What is it? GLADYS (cont'd) "Proud...to be...an...American." Servettes react with pleasure. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOA PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So what was the theme of the pageant last year? GLADYS Last year? It was, "Buy American." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) And the year before that? GLADYS "U.S.A. is A-okay." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Can you remember the theme of your favorite pageant? GLADYS "Can I? I'm Amer-I-Can!" People ask me where I get this. I don't know, it's...maybe a gift from God or somethin'. INT. MOUNT ROSE HIGH - GYM - DAY PAN DOWN row of EIGHT GIRLS signing up and eating bars. SUPER: LOCAL PAGEANT REGISTRATION, MOUNT ROSE HIGH SCHOOL ANGLE ON LESLIE MILLER - sexy/peppy girl in CHEERLEADING UNIFORM. LESLIE MILLER ...Hi. (giggles) I'm Leslie Miller. I'm signin' up kcause-ah, y'know, I always watch pageants on the TV and my boyfriend thinks I'll win. SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, LESLIE MILLER She makes "gills" on the sides of her head with her hands. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) For my talent, I'm gonna be doing the.. Two FOOTBALL PLAYERS interrupt: PAT, her boyfriend, and BRETT, who smiles and gives a nod to Amber. Pat grabs Leslie and kisses her hard. LESLIE (cont'd) Uh, Pat, I'm trying to tell themabout my...Oh... Hormones take over and they lock lips again. She wraps her legs around him. He feels up her ass. They continue groping as her Washington Monument slips off. CUT TO: Leslie waves and blows kisses while performing a cheerleader chant. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) Hi, Pat! Go, Muskies! Whoo! INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM AMBER ATKINS - naturally pretty blonde, sweet as sugar pie, stares into camera like a deer caught in headlights. AMBER ATKINS (suddenly looking O.C.) Hi, I-I'm Amber Atkins and, um, I'm signin' up k'cause, ah, my two favorite people in the world competed. My mom and Diane Sawyer...Course I hope I end up a little more like Diane Sawyer than my mom... She flashes a GRIN, we melt. INT. FUNERAL HOME/EMBALMING ROOM - DAY Amber tap-dances as she applies make-up to a MALE CORPSE. SUPER: CONTESTANT #1, AMBER ATKINS DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you do any of the, uh, embalming? AMBER (laughing) Oh, my God, no. Oh, God. I just do the hair and makeup on the deceased. EXT. ROAD - DAY Amber tap dances at the side of the road as traffic passes. AMBER (V.O.) I'm lucky I have an after-school job where I can practice my talent. EXT. MOA PARKING LOT - DAY GLADYS Oh, yeah, sure. You know, every pageant is special, but this one is extra-special to me. When I was seventeen, I don't know if you know this, but I was crowned Mount Rose's American Teen Princess. And this year...drum roll please, my lovely daughter, Rebecca Ann Leeman is competin'. INT. HIGH SCHOOL REBECCA LEEMAN stands in front of Amber and addresses the camerman (O.S.). BECKY Is this my mark? (it is) Hi, I'm Rebecca Leeman. And I believe this pageant is an important experience for every young woman. It, well, it teaches you what's really important in life, and it has the power to change you in ways you've never dreamed of. INT. GUN RANGE Becky, in shooting goggles and ear muffs, FIRES a Glock- 17 9mm pistol with both hands. Sign on wall reads: "Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club." (See Iona in b.g. with an arsenal of sniper weaponry.) BECKY (yelling over noise) ...What?! Klinghagen thinks it'll all come down to me and Amber? Becky stops firing and takes off her hear muffs. BECKY (cont'd) Well, you have to take everything Mrs. Klinghagen says with a grain of salt. Not all your Catholics go to communion for the wafers, if you know what I mean... JUMP CUT TO: INT. LUTHERAN SISTERHOOD GUN RANGE - LATER Becky thumbs bullets into her magazine as she talks. BECKY ...Yah-my mom gave me this nine-mil for my thirteenth birthday... SUPER: CONTESTANT #6, BECKY LEEMAN I'll always remember what she wrote in the card. "Jesus loves winners." That's why, no matter what I do... She shoves the magazine back in her pistol. BECKY (cont'd) I aim to win. She smiles to camera, then violently fires off a few rounds. Zoom in on the MALE TARGET: several bullet holes in the head. INT. "NEW YORK, NEW YORK" BEDROOM - DAY It's all NEW YORK MEMORABILIA. Lisa Swenson - big bubbly girl - sits on her bed. LISA Why? Well, uh, it's kind of like askin', "Why do all the guys chew Copenhagen?" You know? I mean, if you're seventeen and you're not a total fry, it's just what you do. ETHEL MERMAN's "Everything's Coming Up Roses" PLAYS over speakers. SUPER: CONTESTANT #7, LISA SWENSON DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Have you decided what your talent is going to be yet? LISA I'm gonna sing and dance to, "New York, New York." See, I fell in love with The Big Apple last summer when I was visitin' my brother. He followed his dream to New York. PICKS UP 8x10's, shows to camera. LISA (cont'd) This is Peter as Liza. This is him as Madonna. Oh, here's me with him as Barbara... INT. "GERMAN SHEPHERD" BEDROOM - DAY TESS WEINHAUS, wearing an "I love German Shepherds" t- shirt. The room is filled with German Shepherd paraphernalia. TESS Uh... I don't know what my talent's gonna be yet... SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, TESS WEINHAUS TESS (cont'd) Kenny. Kenny, come. Come, Kenny. A DACHSHUND enters and jumps on her lap. TESS (cont'd) This is Kenny. Spike, my German Shepherd, went to live with a nice family on a farm after he attacked me. It wasn't his fault. I had beef jerky in my front pocket. (pulling up shirt) They re-made my belly with skin from my butt. DISSOLVE TO: INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY - DAY IONA HILDERBRANDT - librarian, 65+ - stamps books. SUPER: IONA HILDERBRANDT, MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS - 1945 IONA HILDERBRANTDT (smoked for sixty years) I was Mount Rose American Teen Princess in 1945. We were at war with the Japs. ANGLE ON A vintage B&W photograph of 18-year-old IONA HILDERBRANDT, looking surprised with hands on cheeks, is being crowned MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS by TWO SOLDIERS on a GYM STAGE. YOUNG IONA, wearing TIARA, stands with SOLDIERS and WAR OFFICIALS beside a boiling pot of metal. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (V.O.) (cont'd) I didn't even get to keep my damn tiara. Iona's about to drop her tiara into a recycling bin. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (cont'd) Had to turn it in for scrap. DISSOLVE TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM MOLLY HOWARD, a large white girl, sits between a JAPANESE COUPLE, Mr. and Mrs. HOWARD. SUPER: CONTESTANT #5, MOLLY HOWARD MR. HOWARD (heavy accent) ... So we adopt Molly three year ago when we come to America, to help acclimate us to American. MOLLY (smiling) To America, Dad. Mr. Howard laughs. MRS. HOWARD She all-American girl. She our American Teen Princess girl. MOLLY Oh, Mom... The Howard's biological daughter (they renamed her "TINA") ENTERS FRAME. Although she's the picture of beauty, grace, talent and charm, she represents their old life. TINA (in Japanese) Excuse me, Father, Mother, when are we moving back to Tokyo? I can't stand this place anymore. They put butter on everything. MR. HOWARD (turning, suddenly angry) English! English, you stupid little retard! We America now, Tina! TINA (perfect English) I'm sorry, Dad, but with all due respect, my name isn't "Tina," it's Seiko. MR. HOWARD Tina! Tina!! TINA!!! MRS. HOWARD "Robert," settle down. MR. HOWARD (screaming) AHHHHHH! Mr. Howard suddenly grabs his chest. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene. Mr. Howard is gone. TINA Mom, I just finished the third movement of that concerto I was working on. I put, like, this techno beat on this Japanese folk tune - wanna hear it? MR. HOWARD (running down the hall) No! We not like to hear it! Go to your room and shut up! TINA Oh, I almost forgot... (removing envelope from pocket) I got my acceptance to Tokyo University. MR. HOWARD What, you deaf? I say shut up-shut up- SHUT UP! (coming at camera) Cut her outta this! JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene on couch. MR. HOWARD Now Molly, tell movie man what you talent do. MOLLY I'll be line dancin'. MR. HOWARD (giving thumbs up) Country western! MRS. HOWARD Clint Black! Ruff! MR. HOWARD Hey, what he got I not got? They all laugh. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE CLOSE ON Michelle Johanson's face. MICHELLE ... Yah-I'll be performing a dramatic monologue. SUPER: CONTESTANT #2, MICHELLE JOHANSON MICHELLE (cont'd) Right now, I'm thinkin' "Othello" or... "Soylent Green." Lots of girls make a smooth transition from pageants into actin', y'know. SMASH CUT TO: LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) CONNIE, mid-30's, Midwestern attractive, wearing a sash and tiara, stands in front of a BLUE SCREEN of a FOREST. CONNIE Competin' for the title of Minnesota's American Teen Princess sure was excitin'. But, I never coulda won without my... PULL BACK to reveal a table full of PORK PRODUCTS. CONNIE (cont'd) St. Paul Pork Products! LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SCREEN CHANGES to OUTSIDE FACTORY/STOCK YARDS. Connie now wears a coat and hat and acts as if it's chilly. CONNIE (cont'd) I've been enjoyin' St. Paul Pork Products for years. I grew up right next to these stock yards. SCREEN CHANGES to VIDEO of a SLAUGHTER LINE. PIG CARCASSES move on hooks. Connie wears a hard hat and blood stained butcher's apron. CONNIE (cont'd) It's still the same family-run business that Walter and Vera Polarski started in 1920 when they raised and slaughtered their first pig. Connie grabs a HOT DOG from O.C. and takes a bite. CONNIE (cont'd) Mmm-mmmm. I just love St. Paul Pork Products. In fact, I love kem so much LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SLIDE CHANGES to VIDEO of the SAUSAGE LINE. Workers stuff sausages. Connie wears a white jumpsuit and hairnet. CONNIE (cont'd) I work here now! INT. BETZ LIVING ROOM - NIGHT MRS. BETZ, a large woman, holds a tray of bars. CREW MEMBERS REACH IN THE SHOT and help themselves. JANELLE BETZ sits on the couch, SIGNING EVERYTHING she says. JANELLE (slow, due to signing) ...My talent will be an interpretive dance while I sing, "Through the Eyes of Love." I have a dream of spreadin' sign language around the world... Mom? Would you be so kind? SUPER: CONTESTANT #8, JANELLE BETZ JANELLE (cont'd) Yeah. Well, see, uh, I have a dream of spreading sign language around the world. (to Mrs. Betz) Mom, would you be so kind. Mrs. Betz quickly puts down the bars and goes to the piano where she starts "Through the Eyes of Love." Janelle begins to gesticulate and sign words in an overly dramatic performance that looks like a bizarre seizure. SOUND occasionally DIPS OUT as the BOOM OPERATOR reaches for bars. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER TAMMY CURRY - a cute, jock-type. She wears a LETTER JACKET, covered with VARSITY SPORTS PATCHES. TAMMY CURRY Tammy Curry. I'm signin' up for the scholarship'n'all. SMASH CUT TO: INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM She POINTS to VARIOUS PATCHES on her LETTER JACKET. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) ...This one's for Varsity Soccer, uh, I'm captain. (pointing) I run track, and, uh... (points to small gun patch) Right here, I'm the new President of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club... ANGLE ON LSGC PRESIDENT logo patch. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) (O.S.) I love that one. EXT. FARM FIELD Shot from crew van. Sun is setting behind a lovely field of green. A John Deere Thresher travels across the burning red horizon. DOCUMENTARIAN (V.O.) Would you say you have a good chance to win this pageant? SUPER: CONTESTANT #9, TAMMY CURRY TAMMY (V.O.) Yeah, you bet I do. I mean, maybe other people think I can't win a beauty pageant. But other people didn't think I could beat out Becky Leeman for President of the gun club, either. And I did. I-I-It's just like Anthony Robbins says, "I'm a winner. Nobody can stop me but me!" KABLOOM! Tammy's John Deere thresher BLOWS UP! INT. LUTHERAN CHURCH BASEMENT - KITCHEN AREA - NIGHT CLOSE ON framed school photo of Tammy Curry. PULL BACK to see her letter jacket - scorched and torn (Lutheran Gun Club patch is MISSING) - and flowers. CONTINUE PULLING BACK to reveal both are surrounded by buns, bars and coffee on a long buffet table. A line of somber and repressed Lutherans help themselves to the food. Servettes stand at the ready. Gladys and Iris face the camera. GLADYS Well, you know, I think everyone's doing really well considering the fact that she was so young. IRIS It's always hard to see the young ones called home, especially on an exploding thresher. It's just so odd and gross. GLADYS You know that sometimes it's hard to understand God's great plan. IRIS Yeah. Iris pats Gladys on the shoulder. FEMALE MOURNER #1 May I have a tissue? GLADYS But the show must go on. (she faces Iris) I gotta get a hold of Ted and ask him if we can use that barn light as a spot again. So you watch the Jell-o salad, okay? IRIS All right. Okay. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER It's smokey as hell. THREE "FRY" GIRLS and a PREGNANT "FRY" GIRL - all with "shelf bangs" - smoke and drink. FRY GIRL #1 ...Oh, yeah-right. I ain't gonna be in no goddamn pageant! Look what happened to that dork-ass farm girl. PREGNANT FRY GIRL (O.C.) Tammy Curry? FRY GIRL #1 Yah-yah. Everyone says this is a big accident? She got iced because she wins everything, and this time someone didn't want her to win. PREGNANT FRY GIRL This pageant's like a roach motel. FRY GIRL #1 Girls check in, but they don't check out. PREGNANT FRY GIRL Yeah. And they say smokin' is bad for your health. FRY GIRL #1 (raising cigarette into frame) Yeah. EXT. OLD TWO STORY HOUSE - ESTABLISHING - DAY SIGN painted on GARAGE DOOR: "Dance Studio, Downstairs past the Laundry Room." CAMERA moves DOWNSTAIRS to converted basement. LISA SWENSON and two other large "ballerinas" practice at a 2x4/ballet barre. MOZART plays in the b.g. CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN watches and smokes. (Picture Betty Davis in her final days.) CHLORIS And tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. And repeat. Suck in the belly, girls, and tuck in the tushes! SUPER: CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN, CHOREOGRAPHER CHLORIS (cont'd) Close those legs! You look like a bunch of bowlegged cows! Other side. And...tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. CUT TO: Chloris smokes and talks to camera. "Ballerinas" practice. CHLORIS (cont'd) Yeah, you boys sure picked a good year. If I was a betting woman, and there was a line on this in Vegas, I'd lay down ten-to-one that it all comes down to Amber Atkins and Becky Leeman. Oh, sweet Jesus, what a showdown this could be if Cain and Abel... The SOUND RECORDIST enters and Lisa spins out of control, taking him out. She leans over and comforts him. LISA Ow! Oh, God. It's so em-so embarrassing. EST. SHOT - "DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC" - DAY MARY (V.O.) (labored breaths) My winning...the Mount Rose... INT. PATIENT'S ROOM - DAY SMILING ANOREXIC GIRL sits in bed - a TIARA in what's left of her hair and a SASH over her hospital gown. MARY ...American Teen Princess Pageant... SUPER: MARY JOHANSON, REIGNING MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS MARY (cont'd) ...really changed my life. The TIARA SLIPS OFF her BALDING HEAD and rolls to the floor. INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber fixes Mary's hair, carefully brushing her balding head. Mary smiles, oblivious. MARY (labored breaths) ...Amber does my hair...once a week. AMBER (flattered and embarrassed) Well...it's the least I can do for the reigning Mount Rose Junior Miss Amer-- Amber pulls the brush away with a clump of Mary's hair dangling from it. AMBER (cont'd) Oh God... MARY What? AMBER Huh? Oh...Uh, just a little snarl... Amber mouths, "Shhh! Don't tell!" to camera as she tries to pull the clump of hair from the brush. JUMP CUT TO: INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber ties the tiara and missing clump of hair to Mary's head with a ribbon. AMBER There we go. She holds the mirror for Mary. MARY (delusional) Beautiful... Maybe next week... a perm. AMBER Yah... sure... Amber gives a kind but worried smile to camera. Suddenly, Becky Leeman enters with a large box of chocolates. She's fully aware of the cameras from the moment she enters. BECKY Hellooo, Little Mary Sunshine! (pretending to notice camera) What?! Oh-oh my God! Lights! Camera! And me without a stitch of make-up on. What are you guys doin' here? She's in full make-up. AMBER What're you doin' here? BECKY Oh, Amber, like you're the only one who visits Mary. MARY (to Becky) Who are you? BECKY (covering) "Who are you?!" Oh Mary, you kill me. (to camera) She always says that. It's a little game we play. Every week - same dippy little look on her face. "Who are you - who are you?" Just like that. (in Mary's face) It's me - Becky - and I brought your favorites. Becky puts the chocolates on Mary's lap, a few spill. Throughout the following, Mary slowly reaches for them as if they're forbidden fruit and she's a very hungry Eve. AMBER How nice, Becky, she's anorexic. Becky roughly puts her hands over Mary's ears, who's now gently petting the spilled chocolates in her lap. BECKY (sotto, reprimanding tone) She's skinny, not deaf, Amber. EXT. TRAILER - LATE AFTERNOON MONTAGE - Amber taps around the mobile home community, HOME FROM SCHOOL - backpack, Walkman, cool music blaring. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber stands in a room the SIZE OF A CLOSET. Posters, articles and pictures of great tap dancers and Diane Sawyer cover the walls. AMBER ... Dreams? Yah-sure I got kem... Sometimes I dream of winnin'... I dream of gettin' outta Mount Rose and bein' a big time reporter like Diane Sawyer. I mean, guys get outta Mount Rose all the time for hockey scholarships or prison. But the pageant's kinda my only chance. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber points to LARGE PAGEANT PHOTO OF DIANE SAWYER - 1963 AMBER ... Yah-1963. Her beauty worked against her when she started as a reporter in Louisville, her hometown. Those were different times. ANNETTE (O.S.) (yelling, coughing) Hey, Amber, y'get my smokes? AMBER (smiling) That's my mom. (yelling) I'll get kem in a sec. ANNETTE ATKINS, Amber's mom - sexy, but tired - OPENS THE DOOR. ANNETTE (surprised by cameras) Oh shit! AMBER They're from L.A. They wanted to see my room and film me for their movie. ANNETTE (mock-touched, to crew) Oh... How quickly they grow up. (exiting, smiling) Hey, if they ask you to take off your shirt, get the money first. Annette is gone. ANNETTE (cont'd) (O.S.) And go get my smokes! JUMP CUT TO: EST. SHOT - LEEMAN FAMILY HOME - DAY Landscaped grounds surround this lovely two-story. INT. LEEMAN HOME - VARIOUS ROOMS Brief "LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH & FAMOUS" montage of Gladys showing off interiors to the theme from "GONE WITH THE WIND." INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY It looks like a Levitz showroom. Gladys sits stiffly between Becky and her husband, LESTER - mid-60's, gruff, "old school" salesman, drink in hand. LESTER ...You betcha. S'posed to be colder-n- a witches tit tonight... GLADYS (nervous laugh) Oh, Lester. He loves his weather, y'know. LESTER (looking to crew, O.S.) Hey, ya like it? Open it...Yah-the globe. Pull at the equator there. GLADYS We're not in the showroom, Dear. Banging and fumbling. A CORKSCREW flies into shot - CREW GUY quickly ENTERS SHOT and grabs it. LESTER Fits three full-size booze bottles. The cassette deck pulls outta Afghanistan, there. BECKY (embarrassed) Mommm... GLADYS Lester? LESTER Oh, all right (to camera) How soon they forget where all this comes from. BECKY Japan. LESTER That's enough, young lady. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER GLADYS "Impartial?" Outside this house I'm Gladys Leeman, President, Civil Servettes - impartial as the day is long. But we're inside my home now and I've gotta warn you, I'm wearin' my "wife apron" and "mom hat." So, I can safely say that I'm the mother of the most talented contestant Mount Rose has ever seen. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER Lester's gone from the couch. GLADYS I'll field that one - Rebecca's saving her voice. Becky smiles admiringly at Gladys. GLADYS (cont'd) You-betcha, Rebecca's ready. She's been singin' and dancin' since she was knee high to a pig's eye. Lester returns to the couch, large drink in hand. LESTER Yah-she's damn near as good as that little black fella - with the glass eye. GLADYS Sammy Davis, Jr., honey. LESTER Yeah, yeah, the Jew. BECKY Nice one, Dad. He's dead. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Same scene. BOYS' WRESTLING TEAM - tight singlets - runs laps around gym - between Servettes and camera. GLADYS ...Yah-then, for the "Judges Interview," each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges before the pageant... Gladys is distracted by the HARD, YOUNG bodies. All are. GLADYS Yes, the Judges Interview.. Each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges prior to the pageant. Then we have the... A HUNKY WRESTLER, TONY, waves. GLADYS (cont'd) Hello, Tony. TONY Hey. GLADYS "Hey" to

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Drop Dead Gorgeous Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> DROP DEAD GORGEOUS DROP DEAD GORGEOUS FADE IN: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - MINNESOTA - DAY Vintage black and white stock footage of some farms and farmhouses. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY Color footage of cotton fields passing by. We FREEZE and FADE TO BLACK. TITLE WIPES IN: 1995 MARKED THE FIFTIETH ANNIVERSARY OF THE NATION'S OLDEST BEAUTY CONTEST... THE SARAH ROSE COSMETICS AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS PAGEANT A DOCUMENTARY FILM CREW WAS SENT TO A SMALL TOWN IN MINNESOTA TO COMMEMORATE THIS OCCASSION. INT. PAGEANT AUDITORIUM - MOUNT ROSE - DAY Vintage blue-toned stock footage of a teenage beauty pageant contestant. LEGS WIPE IN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Sarah Rose knows you're a beautiful person.... Blue-toned stock footage of a long row of beauty pageant contestants on stage. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Sarah Rose knows you have an unusual talent. Sarah Rose knows you're a teenage girl. Blue-toned stock footage of the row of contestants parading down some steps from the stage as CAMERA TILTS DOWN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Mmm, and she definitely knows that you are ready for the ultimate teen glamour. ROUSING PATRIOTIC MUSIC. FAST PACED CUTS feature SMILING TEENAGE CONTESTANTS dancing and waving American flags. APPLAUSE! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant. Each contestant wears a BANNER ACROSS her dress reading: AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) And now, a few words... ANGLE ON Contestants DROP, ROLL and form a STAR. CHEERS! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) ...from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. ADAM WEST The American Teen Princess Pageant has been enriching the lives of American- made girls since 1945. TITLES FADE ON SCREEN: Adam West, TV's Batman, then FADE OUT. ADAM WEST (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant provides personal growth, scholarship, travel, and you... Numerous contestants stand up in SHOT and SURROUND ADAM. ADAM WEST (cont'd) ...might even meet a few celebrities. At the national level, thousands of seventeen year-old girls like yourselves. and compete around the country in places like: MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Beautiful Mount Rose, Minnesota. ADAM WEST And make it all the way here to Lincoln, Alabama, to compete for the title of American Teen Princess. LIGHTS come UP on the teenaged girls in the pageant as they pause. As they WAVE AMERICAN FLAGS. Adam West turns back to the camera. ADAM WEST (cont'd) And now, a few words from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. Contestants strike a pose around him. THUNDEROUS CANNED APPLAUSE! ADAM WEST (cont'd) (pointing to camera) So, which one of you will it b-- SCREEN SUDDENLY STATIC. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY SCENE from "DAYS OF OUR LIVES" PULL BACK to reveal the VIDEO is on a TV in front of a GROUP OF SEVENTEEN YEAR-OLD GIRLS, sitting in gym bleachers. [NOTE: The film is shot documentary style. PEOPLE ARE REAL. Their lives revolve around this pageant. All speak with a THICK MINNESOTA ACCENT.] THREE "CIVIL SERVETTES," the local women's group. [Picture unattractive Stepford Wives in matching windbreakers] stand beside GLADYS LEEMAN, 34, president. She STOPS THE VIDEO. GLADYS LEEMAN Good God, Iris, you taped your shows over it. IRIS Sorry. Gladys turns to the GIRLS in the bleachers. SUPER: MOUNT ROSE, MINNESOTA POPULATION: 5,076 GLADYS LEEMAN Now ladies, the rest of the tape - which is now gone forever - goes on about startin' this great American journey we call American Teen Princess...Yah-so, any of you young ladies who'd like to start on that journey, you just come right down here and sign up. And please...help yourselves to some coffee and bars... SMASH EDIT TO: Gladys seated with middle-aged women. GLADYS Showtime. SUPER: GLADYS LEEMAN, LOCAL CHAIRMAN, PAGEANT ORGANIZING COMMITTEE. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you think that most people would say that teenage beauty pageants are a good idea? GLADYS Oh yah-sure, I know what some of your big city, no bra wearin', hairy-legged women's libbers say, "Pageants are old- fashioned" and, uh, and "demeaning" to the girls -- IRIS (jumping in) What's sick is women dressin' like men! Civil Servettes stare at her a beat. GLADYS Uh... You betcha, Iris. (quickly, back to camera) Yah-I think yous boys'll find that things are different here in Mount Rose... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) For one thing, y'know, we're God fearin' folk - every last one of us... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) You won't find a back room in our video store... Servettes AD-LIB "AMEN. YAH-YOU BETCHA." etc. GLADYS (cont'd) (V.O.) ...that filth is better left in the "Sin Cities." IRIS A.k.a. Minneapolis - St. Paul. PULL AWAY from MINNEAPOLIS SKYLINE to COUNTRYSIDE. EXT. QUAINT MAIN STREET The camera drives down the street. EXT. PICTURESQUE MIDDLE-CLASS NEIGHBORHOODS The camera drives down the street. EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE A HAPPY FAMILY raises the AMERICAN FLAG. EXT. SUBURBAN DRIVEWAY BURLY GUYS look up from washing a FORD TRUCK. EXT. TRAILER PARK Sign next to it reads: "Welcome to Mount Rose, Home of Freda Klinghagen, Minnesota's Oldest Living Lutheran" complete with a photo of the extremely old woman smiling and waving. EXT. CREW VAN An ELDERLY COUPLE looks in the passenger window of the van. ELDERLY MAN (MAYOR) Oh, yah-sure, Freda, yah. She was the oldest livin' Lutheran. Now she's dead as a doornail. It's them damn Shriners who ain't taken that Goddamn sign down yet - those lazy sons-a- bitches... I tells kem, I tells kem every goddamn year, "Take the Goddamn Freda sign down, you lazy sons-a-bitches!" SUPER: MAYOR OF MOUNT ROSE INT. GLADYS' VAN - DAY Through the window a family waves to Gladys. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY Two BOYS play basketball in the driveway of their home. EXT. FRONT LAWN - DAY SMALL CHILDREN in bathing suits play on a lawn. A boy shoots his water pistol. INT. LEEMAN STATION WAGON - AFTERNOON Civil Servettes and crew are piled in. Gladys drives. GLADYS ...Today's "To Do" list includes a trip to the Mall of America. We need outfits for the "Physical Fitness" number -- IRIS Nothin' too showy! GLADYS Y'betcha, Iris. We still need a third judge and we need to think of a theme. Servettes react with pleasure. IRIS Gladys -- Gladys! Look out! A CAR SWERVES. GLADYS Oh, my! (waving out window) Hello, Father Donigan! Sidewalks, sidewalks? Iris mimes drinking, "glug, glug." GLADYS (cont'd) Iris, stop! (to camera) It's not his fault. The communal wine just proves too temptin' for some of them. IRIS That's why we Lutherans use grape Koolaid for the blood of Christ. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA In the vast, already full parking lot, we see Gladys Leeman's station wagon searching for a parking spot. IRIS Oh, there's a parking space over there. Oh, no, that's just a compact. Sorry. GLADYS You'd think they'd build the parking lot of America to go with the Mall of America! Gladys pulls into a HANDICAPPED SPOT. Servettes and CAMERA stand outside the car. Iris points at the sign. IRIS It's a two-hundred dollar fine! GLADYS I said I'd move if a cripple came. Let's just run in the store and pick out some outfits. IRIS All right, let's go. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA PARKING LOT Iris and another Servette start to get out of the car. GLADYS Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! I just thought of the theme. Iris and the Servette stop. IRIS Oh! What is it? GLADYS (cont'd) "Proud...to be...an...American." Servettes react with pleasure. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOA PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So what was the theme of the pageant last year? GLADYS Last year? It was, "Buy American." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) And the year before that? GLADYS "U.S.A. is A-okay." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Can you remember the theme of your favorite pageant? GLADYS "Can I? I'm Amer-I-Can!" People ask me where I get this. I don't know, it's...maybe a gift from God or somethin'. INT. MOUNT ROSE HIGH - GYM - DAY PAN DOWN row of EIGHT GIRLS signing up and eating bars. SUPER: LOCAL PAGEANT REGISTRATION, MOUNT ROSE HIGH SCHOOL ANGLE ON LESLIE MILLER - sexy/peppy girl in CHEERLEADING UNIFORM. LESLIE MILLER ...Hi. (giggles) I'm Leslie Miller. I'm signin' up kcause-ah, y'know, I always watch pageants on the TV and my boyfriend thinks I'll win. SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, LESLIE MILLER She makes "gills" on the sides of her head with her hands. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) For my talent, I'm gonna be doing the.. Two FOOTBALL PLAYERS interrupt: PAT, her boyfriend, and BRETT, who smiles and gives a nod to Amber. Pat grabs Leslie and kisses her hard. LESLIE (cont'd) Uh, Pat, I'm trying to tell themabout my...Oh... Hormones take over and they lock lips again. She wraps her legs around him. He feels up her ass. They continue groping as her Washington Monument slips off. CUT TO: Leslie waves and blows kisses while performing a cheerleader chant. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) Hi, Pat! Go, Muskies! Whoo! INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM AMBER ATKINS - naturally pretty blonde, sweet as sugar pie, stares into camera like a deer caught in headlights. AMBER ATKINS (suddenly looking O.C.) Hi, I-I'm Amber Atkins and, um, I'm signin' up k'cause, ah, my two favorite people in the world competed. My mom and Diane Sawyer...Course I hope I end up a little more like Diane Sawyer than my mom... She flashes a GRIN, we melt. INT. FUNERAL HOME/EMBALMING ROOM - DAY Amber tap-dances as she applies make-up to a MALE CORPSE. SUPER: CONTESTANT #1, AMBER ATKINS DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you do any of the, uh, embalming? AMBER (laughing) Oh, my God, no. Oh, God. I just do the hair and makeup on the deceased. EXT. ROAD - DAY Amber tap dances at the side of the road as traffic passes. AMBER (V.O.) I'm lucky I have an after-school job where I can practice my talent. EXT. MOA PARKING LOT - DAY GLADYS Oh, yeah, sure. You know, every pageant is special, but this one is extra-special to me. When I was seventeen, I don't know if you know this, but I was crowned Mount Rose's American Teen Princess. And this year...drum roll please, my lovely daughter, Rebecca Ann Leeman is competin'. INT. HIGH SCHOOL REBECCA LEEMAN stands in front of Amber and addresses the camerman (O.S.). BECKY Is this my mark? (it is) Hi, I'm Rebecca Leeman. And I believe this pageant is an important experience for every young woman. It, well, it teaches you what's really important in life, and it has the power to change you in ways you've never dreamed of. INT. GUN RANGE Becky, in shooting goggles and ear muffs, FIRES a Glock- 17 9mm pistol with both hands. Sign on wall reads: "Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club." (See Iona in b.g. with an arsenal of sniper weaponry.) BECKY (yelling over noise) ...What?! Klinghagen thinks it'll all come down to me and Amber? Becky stops firing and takes off her hear muffs. BECKY (cont'd) Well, you have to take everything Mrs. Klinghagen says with a grain of salt. Not all your Catholics go to communion for the wafers, if you know what I mean... JUMP CUT TO: INT. LUTHERAN SISTERHOOD GUN RANGE - LATER Becky thumbs bullets into her magazine as she talks. BECKY ...Yah-my mom gave me this nine-mil for my thirteenth birthday... SUPER: CONTESTANT #6, BECKY LEEMAN I'll always remember what she wrote in the card. "Jesus loves winners." That's why, no matter what I do... She shoves the magazine back in her pistol. BECKY (cont'd) I aim to win. She smiles to camera, then violently fires off a few rounds. Zoom in on the MALE TARGET: several bullet holes in the head. INT. "NEW YORK, NEW YORK" BEDROOM - DAY It's all NEW YORK MEMORABILIA. Lisa Swenson - big bubbly girl - sits on her bed. LISA Why? Well, uh, it's kind of like askin', "Why do all the guys chew Copenhagen?" You know? I mean, if you're seventeen and you're not a total fry, it's just what you do. ETHEL MERMAN's "Everything's Coming Up Roses" PLAYS over speakers. SUPER: CONTESTANT #7, LISA SWENSON DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Have you decided what your talent is going to be yet? LISA I'm gonna sing and dance to, "New York, New York." See, I fell in love with The Big Apple last summer when I was visitin' my brother. He followed his dream to New York. PICKS UP 8x10's, shows to camera. LISA (cont'd) This is Peter as Liza. This is him as Madonna. Oh, here's me with him as Barbara... INT. "GERMAN SHEPHERD" BEDROOM - DAY TESS WEINHAUS, wearing an "I love German Shepherds" t- shirt. The room is filled with German Shepherd paraphernalia. TESS Uh... I don't know what my talent's gonna be yet... SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, TESS WEINHAUS TESS (cont'd) Kenny. Kenny, come. Come, Kenny. A DACHSHUND enters and jumps on her lap. TESS (cont'd) This is Kenny. Spike, my German Shepherd, went to live with a nice family on a farm after he attacked me. It wasn't his fault. I had beef jerky in my front pocket. (pulling up shirt) They re-made my belly with skin from my butt. DISSOLVE TO: INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY - DAY IONA HILDERBRANDT - librarian, 65+ - stamps books. SUPER: IONA HILDERBRANDT, MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS - 1945 IONA HILDERBRANTDT (smoked for sixty years) I was Mount Rose American Teen Princess in 1945. We were at war with the Japs. ANGLE ON A vintage B&W photograph of 18-year-old IONA HILDERBRANDT, looking surprised with hands on cheeks, is being crowned MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS by TWO SOLDIERS on a GYM STAGE. YOUNG IONA, wearing TIARA, stands with SOLDIERS and WAR OFFICIALS beside a boiling pot of metal. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (V.O.) (cont'd) I didn't even get to keep my damn tiara. Iona's about to drop her tiara into a recycling bin. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (cont'd) Had to turn it in for scrap. DISSOLVE TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM MOLLY HOWARD, a large white girl, sits between a JAPANESE COUPLE, Mr. and Mrs. HOWARD. SUPER: CONTESTANT #5, MOLLY HOWARD MR. HOWARD (heavy accent) ... So we adopt Molly three year ago when we come to America, to help acclimate us to American. MOLLY (smiling) To America, Dad. Mr. Howard laughs. MRS. HOWARD She all-American girl. She our American Teen Princess girl. MOLLY Oh, Mom... The Howard's biological daughter (they renamed her "TINA") ENTERS FRAME. Although she's the picture of beauty, grace, talent and charm, she represents their old life. TINA (in Japanese) Excuse me, Father, Mother, when are we moving back to Tokyo? I can't stand this place anymore. They put butter on everything. MR. HOWARD (turning, suddenly angry) English! English, you stupid little retard! We America now, Tina! TINA (perfect English) I'm sorry, Dad, but with all due respect, my name isn't "Tina," it's Seiko. MR. HOWARD Tina! Tina!! TINA!!! MRS. HOWARD "Robert," settle down. MR. HOWARD (screaming) AHHHHHH! Mr. Howard suddenly grabs his chest. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene. Mr. Howard is gone. TINA Mom, I just finished the third movement of that concerto I was working on. I put, like, this techno beat on this Japanese folk tune - wanna hear it? MR. HOWARD (running down the hall) No! We not like to hear it! Go to your room and shut up! TINA Oh, I almost forgot... (removing envelope from pocket) I got my acceptance to Tokyo University. MR. HOWARD What, you deaf? I say shut up-shut up- SHUT UP! (coming at camera) Cut her outta this! JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene on couch. MR. HOWARD Now Molly, tell movie man what you talent do. MOLLY I'll be line dancin'. MR. HOWARD (giving thumbs up) Country western! MRS. HOWARD Clint Black! Ruff! MR. HOWARD Hey, what he got I not got? They all laugh. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE CLOSE ON Michelle Johanson's face. MICHELLE ... Yah-I'll be performing a dramatic monologue. SUPER: CONTESTANT #2, MICHELLE JOHANSON MICHELLE (cont'd) Right now, I'm thinkin' "Othello" or... "Soylent Green." Lots of girls make a smooth transition from pageants into actin', y'know. SMASH CUT TO: LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) CONNIE, mid-30's, Midwestern attractive, wearing a sash and tiara, stands in front of a BLUE SCREEN of a FOREST. CONNIE Competin' for the title of Minnesota's American Teen Princess sure was excitin'. But, I never coulda won without my... PULL BACK to reveal a table full of PORK PRODUCTS. CONNIE (cont'd) St. Paul Pork Products! LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SCREEN CHANGES to OUTSIDE FACTORY/STOCK YARDS. Connie now wears a coat and hat and acts as if it's chilly. CONNIE (cont'd) I've been enjoyin' St. Paul Pork Products for years. I grew up right next to these stock yards. SCREEN CHANGES to VIDEO of a SLAUGHTER LINE. PIG CARCASSES move on hooks. Connie wears a hard hat and blood stained butcher's apron. CONNIE (cont'd) It's still the same family-run business that Walter and Vera Polarski started in 1920 when they raised and slaughtered their first pig. Connie grabs a HOT DOG from O.C. and takes a bite. CONNIE (cont'd) Mmm-mmmm. I just love St. Paul Pork Products. In fact, I love kem so much LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SLIDE CHANGES to VIDEO of the SAUSAGE LINE. Workers stuff sausages. Connie wears a white jumpsuit and hairnet. CONNIE (cont'd) I work here now! INT. BETZ LIVING ROOM - NIGHT MRS. BETZ, a large woman, holds a tray of bars. CREW MEMBERS REACH IN THE SHOT and help themselves. JANELLE BETZ sits on the couch, SIGNING EVERYTHING she says. JANELLE (slow, due to signing) ...My talent will be an interpretive dance while I sing, "Through the Eyes of Love." I have a dream of spreadin' sign language around the world... Mom? Would you be so kind? SUPER: CONTESTANT #8, JANELLE BETZ JANELLE (cont'd) Yeah. Well, see, uh, I have a dream of spreading sign language around the world. (to Mrs. Betz) Mom, would you be so kind. Mrs. Betz quickly puts down the bars and goes to the piano where she starts "Through the Eyes of Love." Janelle begins to gesticulate and sign words in an overly dramatic performance that looks like a bizarre seizure. SOUND occasionally DIPS OUT as the BOOM OPERATOR reaches for bars. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER TAMMY CURRY - a cute, jock-type. She wears a LETTER JACKET, covered with VARSITY SPORTS PATCHES. TAMMY CURRY Tammy Curry. I'm signin' up for the scholarship'n'all. SMASH CUT TO: INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM She POINTS to VARIOUS PATCHES on her LETTER JACKET. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) ...This one's for Varsity Soccer, uh, I'm captain. (pointing) I run track, and, uh... (points to small gun patch) Right here, I'm the new President of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club... ANGLE ON LSGC PRESIDENT logo patch. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) (O.S.) I love that one. EXT. FARM FIELD Shot from crew van. Sun is setting behind a lovely field of green. A John Deere Thresher travels across the burning red horizon. DOCUMENTARIAN (V.O.) Would you say you have a good chance to win this pageant? SUPER: CONTESTANT #9, TAMMY CURRY TAMMY (V.O.) Yeah, you bet I do. I mean, maybe other people think I can't win a beauty pageant. But other people didn't think I could beat out Becky Leeman for President of the gun club, either. And I did. I-I-It's just like Anthony Robbins says, "I'm a winner. Nobody can stop me but me!" KABLOOM! Tammy's John Deere thresher BLOWS UP! INT. LUTHERAN CHURCH BASEMENT - KITCHEN AREA - NIGHT CLOSE ON framed school photo of Tammy Curry. PULL BACK to see her letter jacket - scorched and torn (Lutheran Gun Club patch is MISSING) - and flowers. CONTINUE PULLING BACK to reveal both are surrounded by buns, bars and coffee on a long buffet table. A line of somber and repressed Lutherans help themselves to the food. Servettes stand at the ready. Gladys and Iris face the camera. GLADYS Well, you know, I think everyone's doing really well considering the fact that she was so young. IRIS It's always hard to see the young ones called home, especially on an exploding thresher. It's just so odd and gross. GLADYS You know that sometimes it's hard to understand God's great plan. IRIS Yeah. Iris pats Gladys on the shoulder. FEMALE MOURNER #1 May I have a tissue? GLADYS But the show must go on. (she faces Iris) I gotta get a hold of Ted and ask him if we can use that barn light as a spot again. So you watch the Jell-o salad, okay? IRIS All right. Okay. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER It's smokey as hell. THREE "FRY" GIRLS and a PREGNANT "FRY" GIRL - all with "shelf bangs" - smoke and drink. FRY GIRL #1 ...Oh, yeah-right. I ain't gonna be in no goddamn pageant! Look what happened to that dork-ass farm girl. PREGNANT FRY GIRL (O.C.) Tammy Curry? FRY GIRL #1 Yah-yah. Everyone says this is a big accident? She got iced because she wins everything, and this time someone didn't want her to win. PREGNANT FRY GIRL This pageant's like a roach motel. FRY GIRL #1 Girls check in, but they don't check out. PREGNANT FRY GIRL Yeah. And they say smokin' is bad for your health. FRY GIRL #1 (raising cigarette into frame) Yeah. EXT. OLD TWO STORY HOUSE - ESTABLISHING - DAY SIGN painted on GARAGE DOOR: "Dance Studio, Downstairs past the Laundry Room." CAMERA moves DOWNSTAIRS to converted basement. LISA SWENSON and two other large "ballerinas" practice at a 2x4/ballet barre. MOZART plays in the b.g. CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN watches and smokes. (Picture Betty Davis in her final days.) CHLORIS And tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. And repeat. Suck in the belly, girls, and tuck in the tushes! SUPER: CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN, CHOREOGRAPHER CHLORIS (cont'd) Close those legs! You look like a bunch of bowlegged cows! Other side. And...tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. CUT TO: Chloris smokes and talks to camera. "Ballerinas" practice. CHLORIS (cont'd) Yeah, you boys sure picked a good year. If I was a betting woman, and there was a line on this in Vegas, I'd lay down ten-to-one that it all comes down to Amber Atkins and Becky Leeman. Oh, sweet Jesus, what a showdown this could be if Cain and Abel... The SOUND RECORDIST enters and Lisa spins out of control, taking him out. She leans over and comforts him. LISA Ow! Oh, God. It's so em-so embarrassing. EST. SHOT - "DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC" - DAY MARY (V.O.) (labored breaths) My winning...the Mount Rose... INT. PATIENT'S ROOM - DAY SMILING ANOREXIC GIRL sits in bed - a TIARA in what's left of her hair and a SASH over her hospital gown. MARY ...American Teen Princess Pageant... SUPER: MARY JOHANSON, REIGNING MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS MARY (cont'd) ...really changed my life. The TIARA SLIPS OFF her BALDING HEAD and rolls to the floor. INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber fixes Mary's hair, carefully brushing her balding head. Mary smiles, oblivious. MARY (labored breaths) ...Amber does my hair...once a week. AMBER (flattered and embarrassed) Well...it's the least I can do for the reigning Mount Rose Junior Miss Amer-- Amber pulls the brush away with a clump of Mary's hair dangling from it. AMBER (cont'd) Oh God... MARY What? AMBER Huh? Oh...Uh, just a little snarl... Amber mouths, "Shhh! Don't tell!" to camera as she tries to pull the clump of hair from the brush. JUMP CUT TO: INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber ties the tiara and missing clump of hair to Mary's head with a ribbon. AMBER There we go. She holds the mirror for Mary. MARY (delusional) Beautiful... Maybe next week... a perm. AMBER Yah... sure... Amber gives a kind but worried smile to camera. Suddenly, Becky Leeman enters with a large box of chocolates. She's fully aware of the cameras from the moment she enters. BECKY Hellooo, Little Mary Sunshine! (pretending to notice camera) What?! Oh-oh my God! Lights! Camera! And me without a stitch of make-up on. What are you guys doin' here? She's in full make-up. AMBER What're you doin' here? BECKY Oh, Amber, like you're the only one who visits Mary. MARY (to Becky) Who are you? BECKY (covering) "Who are you?!" Oh Mary, you kill me. (to camera) She always says that. It's a little game we play. Every week - same dippy little look on her face. "Who are you - who are you?" Just like that. (in Mary's face) It's me - Becky - and I brought your favorites. Becky puts the chocolates on Mary's lap, a few spill. Throughout the following, Mary slowly reaches for them as if they're forbidden fruit and she's a very hungry Eve. AMBER How nice, Becky, she's anorexic. Becky roughly puts her hands over Mary's ears, who's now gently petting the spilled chocolates in her lap. BECKY (sotto, reprimanding tone) She's skinny, not deaf, Amber. EXT. TRAILER - LATE AFTERNOON MONTAGE - Amber taps around the mobile home community, HOME FROM SCHOOL - backpack, Walkman, cool music blaring. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber stands in a room the SIZE OF A CLOSET. Posters, articles and pictures of great tap dancers and Diane Sawyer cover the walls. AMBER ... Dreams? Yah-sure I got kem... Sometimes I dream of winnin'... I dream of gettin' outta Mount Rose and bein' a big time reporter like Diane Sawyer. I mean, guys get outta Mount Rose all the time for hockey scholarships or prison. But the pageant's kinda my only chance. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber points to LARGE PAGEANT PHOTO OF DIANE SAWYER - 1963 AMBER ... Yah-1963. Her beauty worked against her when she started as a reporter in Louisville, her hometown. Those were different times. ANNETTE (O.S.) (yelling, coughing) Hey, Amber, y'get my smokes? AMBER (smiling) That's my mom. (yelling) I'll get kem in a sec. ANNETTE ATKINS, Amber's mom - sexy, but tired - OPENS THE DOOR. ANNETTE (surprised by cameras) Oh shit! AMBER They're from L.A. They wanted to see my room and film me for their movie. ANNETTE (mock-touched, to crew) Oh... How quickly they grow up. (exiting, smiling) Hey, if they ask you to take off your shirt, get the money first. Annette is gone. ANNETTE (cont'd) (O.S.) And go get my smokes! JUMP CUT TO: EST. SHOT - LEEMAN FAMILY HOME - DAY Landscaped grounds surround this lovely two-story. INT. LEEMAN HOME - VARIOUS ROOMS Brief "LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH & FAMOUS" montage of Gladys showing off interiors to the theme from "GONE WITH THE WIND." INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY It looks like a Levitz showroom. Gladys sits stiffly between Becky and her husband, LESTER - mid-60's, gruff, "old school" salesman, drink in hand. LESTER ...You betcha. S'posed to be colder-n- a witches tit tonight... GLADYS (nervous laugh) Oh, Lester. He loves his weather, y'know. LESTER (looking to crew, O.S.) Hey, ya like it? Open it...Yah-the globe. Pull at the equator there. GLADYS We're not in the showroom, Dear. Banging and fumbling. A CORKSCREW flies into shot - CREW GUY quickly ENTERS SHOT and grabs it. LESTER Fits three full-size booze bottles. The cassette deck pulls outta Afghanistan, there. BECKY (embarrassed) Mommm... GLADYS Lester? LESTER Oh, all right (to camera) How soon they forget where all this comes from. BECKY Japan. LESTER That's enough, young lady. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER GLADYS "Impartial?" Outside this house I'm Gladys Leeman, President, Civil Servettes - impartial as the day is long. But we're inside my home now and I've gotta warn you, I'm wearin' my "wife apron" and "mom hat." So, I can safely say that I'm the mother of the most talented contestant Mount Rose has ever seen. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER Lester's gone from the couch. GLADYS I'll field that one - Rebecca's saving her voice. Becky smiles admiringly at Gladys. GLADYS (cont'd) You-betcha, Rebecca's ready. She's been singin' and dancin' since she was knee high to a pig's eye. Lester returns to the couch, large drink in hand. LESTER Yah-she's damn near as good as that little black fella - with the glass eye. GLADYS Sammy Davis, Jr., honey. LESTER Yeah, yeah, the Jew. BECKY Nice one, Dad. He's dead. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Same scene. BOYS' WRESTLING TEAM - tight singlets - runs laps around gym - between Servettes and camera. GLADYS ...Yah-then, for the "Judges Interview," each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges before the pageant... Gladys is distracted by the HARD, YOUNG bodies. All are. GLADYS Yes, the Judges Interview.. Each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges prior to the pageant. Then we have the... A HUNKY WRESTLER, TONY, waves. GLADYS (cont'd) Hello, Tony. TONY Hey. GLADYS "Hey" to

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Drop Dead Gorgeous Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> DROP DEAD GORGEOUS DROP DEAD GORGEOUS FADE IN: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - MINNESOTA - DAY Vintage black and white stock footage of some farms and farmhouses. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY Color footage of cotton fields passing by. We FREEZE and FADE TO BLACK. TITLE WIPES IN: 1995 MARKED THE FIFTIETH ANNIVERSARY OF THE NATION'S OLDEST BEAUTY CONTEST... THE SARAH ROSE COSMETICS AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS PAGEANT A DOCUMENTARY FILM CREW WAS SENT TO A SMALL TOWN IN MINNESOTA TO COMMEMORATE THIS OCCASSION. INT. PAGEANT AUDITORIUM - MOUNT ROSE - DAY Vintage blue-toned stock footage of a teenage beauty pageant contestant. LEGS WIPE IN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Sarah Rose knows you're a beautiful person.... Blue-toned stock footage of a long row of beauty pageant contestants on stage. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Sarah Rose knows you have an unusual talent. Sarah Rose knows you're a teenage girl. Blue-toned stock footage of the row of contestants parading down some steps from the stage as CAMERA TILTS DOWN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Mmm, and she definitely knows that you are ready for the ultimate teen glamour. ROUSING PATRIOTIC MUSIC. FAST PACED CUTS feature SMILING TEENAGE CONTESTANTS dancing and waving American flags. APPLAUSE! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant. Each contestant wears a BANNER ACROSS her dress reading: AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) And now, a few words... ANGLE ON Contestants DROP, ROLL and form a STAR. CHEERS! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) ...from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. ADAM WEST The American Teen Princess Pageant has been enriching the lives of American- made girls since 1945. TITLES FADE ON SCREEN: Adam West, TV's Batman, then FADE OUT. ADAM WEST (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant provides personal growth, scholarship, travel, and you... Numerous contestants stand up in SHOT and SURROUND ADAM. ADAM WEST (cont'd) ...might even meet a few celebrities. At the national level, thousands of seventeen year-old girls like yourselves. and compete around the country in places like: MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Beautiful Mount Rose, Minnesota. ADAM WEST And make it all the way here to Lincoln, Alabama, to compete for the title of American Teen Princess. LIGHTS come UP on the teenaged girls in the pageant as they pause. As they WAVE AMERICAN FLAGS. Adam West turns back to the camera. ADAM WEST (cont'd) And now, a few words from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. Contestants strike a pose around him. THUNDEROUS CANNED APPLAUSE! ADAM WEST (cont'd) (pointing to camera) So, which one of you will it b-- SCREEN SUDDENLY STATIC. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY SCENE from "DAYS OF OUR LIVES" PULL BACK to reveal the VIDEO is on a TV in front of a GROUP OF SEVENTEEN YEAR-OLD GIRLS, sitting in gym bleachers. [NOTE: The film is shot documentary style. PEOPLE ARE REAL. Their lives revolve around this pageant. All speak with a THICK MINNESOTA ACCENT.] THREE "CIVIL SERVETTES," the local women's group. [Picture unattractive Stepford Wives in matching windbreakers] stand beside GLADYS LEEMAN, 34, president. She STOPS THE VIDEO. GLADYS LEEMAN Good God, Iris, you taped your shows over it. IRIS Sorry. Gladys turns to the GIRLS in the bleachers. SUPER: MOUNT ROSE, MINNESOTA POPULATION: 5,076 GLADYS LEEMAN Now ladies, the rest of the tape - which is now gone forever - goes on about startin' this great American journey we call American Teen Princess...Yah-so, any of you young ladies who'd like to start on that journey, you just come right down here and sign up. And please...help yourselves to some coffee and bars... SMASH EDIT TO: Gladys seated with middle-aged women. GLADYS Showtime. SUPER: GLADYS LEEMAN, LOCAL CHAIRMAN, PAGEANT ORGANIZING COMMITTEE. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you think that most people would say that teenage beauty pageants are a good idea? GLADYS Oh yah-sure, I know what some of your big city, no bra wearin', hairy-legged women's libbers say, "Pageants are old- fashioned" and, uh, and "demeaning" to the girls -- IRIS (jumping in) What's sick is women dressin' like men! Civil Servettes stare at her a beat. GLADYS Uh... You betcha, Iris. (quickly, back to camera) Yah-I think yous boys'll find that things are different here in Mount Rose... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) For one thing, y'know, we're God fearin' folk - every last one of us... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) You won't find a back room in our video store... Servettes AD-LIB "AMEN. YAH-YOU BETCHA." etc. GLADYS (cont'd) (V.O.) ...that filth is better left in the "Sin Cities." IRIS A.k.a. Minneapolis - St. Paul. PULL AWAY from MINNEAPOLIS SKYLINE to COUNTRYSIDE. EXT. QUAINT MAIN STREET The camera drives down the street. EXT. PICTURESQUE MIDDLE-CLASS NEIGHBORHOODS The camera drives down the street. EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE A HAPPY FAMILY raises the AMERICAN FLAG. EXT. SUBURBAN DRIVEWAY BURLY GUYS look up from washing a FORD TRUCK. EXT. TRAILER PARK Sign next to it reads: "Welcome to Mount Rose, Home of Freda Klinghagen, Minnesota's Oldest Living Lutheran" complete with a photo of the extremely old woman smiling and waving. EXT. CREW VAN An ELDERLY COUPLE looks in the passenger window of the van. ELDERLY MAN (MAYOR) Oh, yah-sure, Freda, yah. She was the oldest livin' Lutheran. Now she's dead as a doornail. It's them damn Shriners who ain't taken that Goddamn sign down yet - those lazy sons-a- bitches... I tells kem, I tells kem every goddamn year, "Take the Goddamn Freda sign down, you lazy sons-a-bitches!" SUPER: MAYOR OF MOUNT ROSE INT. GLADYS' VAN - DAY Through the window a family waves to Gladys. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY Two BOYS play basketball in the driveway of their home. EXT. FRONT LAWN - DAY SMALL CHILDREN in bathing suits play on a lawn. A boy shoots his water pistol. INT. LEEMAN STATION WAGON - AFTERNOON Civil Servettes and crew are piled in. Gladys drives. GLADYS ...Today's "To Do" list includes a trip to the Mall of America. We need outfits for the "Physical Fitness" number -- IRIS Nothin' too showy! GLADYS Y'betcha, Iris. We still need a third judge and we need to think of a theme. Servettes react with pleasure. IRIS Gladys -- Gladys! Look out! A CAR SWERVES. GLADYS Oh, my! (waving out window) Hello, Father Donigan! Sidewalks, sidewalks? Iris mimes drinking, "glug, glug." GLADYS (cont'd) Iris, stop! (to camera) It's not his fault. The communal wine just proves too temptin' for some of them. IRIS That's why we Lutherans use grape Koolaid for the blood of Christ. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA In the vast, already full parking lot, we see Gladys Leeman's station wagon searching for a parking spot. IRIS Oh, there's a parking space over there. Oh, no, that's just a compact. Sorry. GLADYS You'd think they'd build the parking lot of America to go with the Mall of America! Gladys pulls into a HANDICAPPED SPOT. Servettes and CAMERA stand outside the car. Iris points at the sign. IRIS It's a two-hundred dollar fine! GLADYS I said I'd move if a cripple came. Let's just run in the store and pick out some outfits. IRIS All right, let's go. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA PARKING LOT Iris and another Servette start to get out of the car. GLADYS Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! I just thought of the theme. Iris and the Servette stop. IRIS Oh! What is it? GLADYS (cont'd) "Proud...to be...an...American." Servettes react with pleasure. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOA PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So what was the theme of the pageant last year? GLADYS Last year? It was, "Buy American." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) And the year before that? GLADYS "U.S.A. is A-okay." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Can you remember the theme of your favorite pageant? GLADYS "Can I? I'm Amer-I-Can!" People ask me where I get this. I don't know, it's...maybe a gift from God or somethin'. INT. MOUNT ROSE HIGH - GYM - DAY PAN DOWN row of EIGHT GIRLS signing up and eating bars. SUPER: LOCAL PAGEANT REGISTRATION, MOUNT ROSE HIGH SCHOOL ANGLE ON LESLIE MILLER - sexy/peppy girl in CHEERLEADING UNIFORM. LESLIE MILLER ...Hi. (giggles) I'm Leslie Miller. I'm signin' up kcause-ah, y'know, I always watch pageants on the TV and my boyfriend thinks I'll win. SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, LESLIE MILLER She makes "gills" on the sides of her head with her hands. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) For my talent, I'm gonna be doing the.. Two FOOTBALL PLAYERS interrupt: PAT, her boyfriend, and BRETT, who smiles and gives a nod to Amber. Pat grabs Leslie and kisses her hard. LESLIE (cont'd) Uh, Pat, I'm trying to tell themabout my...Oh... Hormones take over and they lock lips again. She wraps her legs around him. He feels up her ass. They continue groping as her Washington Monument slips off. CUT TO: Leslie waves and blows kisses while performing a cheerleader chant. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) Hi, Pat! Go, Muskies! Whoo! INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM AMBER ATKINS - naturally pretty blonde, sweet as sugar pie, stares into camera like a deer caught in headlights. AMBER ATKINS (suddenly looking O.C.) Hi, I-I'm Amber Atkins and, um, I'm signin' up k'cause, ah, my two favorite people in the world competed. My mom and Diane Sawyer...Course I hope I end up a little more like Diane Sawyer than my mom... She flashes a GRIN, we melt. INT. FUNERAL HOME/EMBALMING ROOM - DAY Amber tap-dances as she applies make-up to a MALE CORPSE. SUPER: CONTESTANT #1, AMBER ATKINS DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you do any of the, uh, embalming? AMBER (laughing) Oh, my God, no. Oh, God. I just do the hair and makeup on the deceased. EXT. ROAD - DAY Amber tap dances at the side of the road as traffic passes. AMBER (V.O.) I'm lucky I have an after-school job where I can practice my talent. EXT. MOA PARKING LOT - DAY GLADYS Oh, yeah, sure. You know, every pageant is special, but this one is extra-special to me. When I was seventeen, I don't know if you know this, but I was crowned Mount Rose's American Teen Princess. And this year...drum roll please, my lovely daughter, Rebecca Ann Leeman is competin'. INT. HIGH SCHOOL REBECCA LEEMAN stands in front of Amber and addresses the camerman (O.S.). BECKY Is this my mark? (it is) Hi, I'm Rebecca Leeman. And I believe this pageant is an important experience for every young woman. It, well, it teaches you what's really important in life, and it has the power to change you in ways you've never dreamed of. INT. GUN RANGE Becky, in shooting goggles and ear muffs, FIRES a Glock- 17 9mm pistol with both hands. Sign on wall reads: "Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club." (See Iona in b.g. with an arsenal of sniper weaponry.) BECKY (yelling over noise) ...What?! Klinghagen thinks it'll all come down to me and Amber? Becky stops firing and takes off her hear muffs. BECKY (cont'd) Well, you have to take everything Mrs. Klinghagen says with a grain of salt. Not all your Catholics go to communion for the wafers, if you know what I mean... JUMP CUT TO: INT. LUTHERAN SISTERHOOD GUN RANGE - LATER Becky thumbs bullets into her magazine as she talks. BECKY ...Yah-my mom gave me this nine-mil for my thirteenth birthday... SUPER: CONTESTANT #6, BECKY LEEMAN I'll always remember what she wrote in the card. "Jesus loves winners." That's why, no matter what I do... She shoves the magazine back in her pistol. BECKY (cont'd) I aim to win. She smiles to camera, then violently fires off a few rounds. Zoom in on the MALE TARGET: several bullet holes in the head. INT. "NEW YORK, NEW YORK" BEDROOM - DAY It's all NEW YORK MEMORABILIA. Lisa Swenson - big bubbly girl - sits on her bed. LISA Why? Well, uh, it's kind of like askin', "Why do all the guys chew Copenhagen?" You know? I mean, if you're seventeen and you're not a total fry, it's just what you do. ETHEL MERMAN's "Everything's Coming Up Roses" PLAYS over speakers. SUPER: CONTESTANT #7, LISA SWENSON DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Have you decided what your talent is going to be yet? LISA I'm gonna sing and dance to, "New York, New York." See, I fell in love with The Big Apple last summer when I was visitin' my brother. He followed his dream to New York. PICKS UP 8x10's, shows to camera. LISA (cont'd) This is Peter as Liza. This is him as Madonna. Oh, here's me with him as Barbara... INT. "GERMAN SHEPHERD" BEDROOM - DAY TESS WEINHAUS, wearing an "I love German Shepherds" t- shirt. The room is filled with German Shepherd paraphernalia. TESS Uh... I don't know what my talent's gonna be yet... SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, TESS WEINHAUS TESS (cont'd) Kenny. Kenny, come. Come, Kenny. A DACHSHUND enters and jumps on her lap. TESS (cont'd) This is Kenny. Spike, my German Shepherd, went to live with a nice family on a farm after he attacked me. It wasn't his fault. I had beef jerky in my front pocket. (pulling up shirt) They re-made my belly with skin from my butt. DISSOLVE TO: INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY - DAY IONA HILDERBRANDT - librarian, 65+ - stamps books. SUPER: IONA HILDERBRANDT, MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS - 1945 IONA HILDERBRANTDT (smoked for sixty years) I was Mount Rose American Teen Princess in 1945. We were at war with the Japs. ANGLE ON A vintage B&W photograph of 18-year-old IONA HILDERBRANDT, looking surprised with hands on cheeks, is being crowned MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS by TWO SOLDIERS on a GYM STAGE. YOUNG IONA, wearing TIARA, stands with SOLDIERS and WAR OFFICIALS beside a boiling pot of metal. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (V.O.) (cont'd) I didn't even get to keep my damn tiara. Iona's about to drop her tiara into a recycling bin. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (cont'd) Had to turn it in for scrap. DISSOLVE TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM MOLLY HOWARD, a large white girl, sits between a JAPANESE COUPLE, Mr. and Mrs. HOWARD. SUPER: CONTESTANT #5, MOLLY HOWARD MR. HOWARD (heavy accent) ... So we adopt Molly three year ago when we come to America, to help acclimate us to American. MOLLY (smiling) To America, Dad. Mr. Howard laughs. MRS. HOWARD She all-American girl. She our American Teen Princess girl. MOLLY Oh, Mom... The Howard's biological daughter (they renamed her "TINA") ENTERS FRAME. Although she's the picture of beauty, grace, talent and charm, she represents their old life. TINA (in Japanese) Excuse me, Father, Mother, when are we moving back to Tokyo? I can't stand this place anymore. They put butter on everything. MR. HOWARD (turning, suddenly angry) English! English, you stupid little retard! We America now, Tina! TINA (perfect English) I'm sorry, Dad, but with all due respect, my name isn't "Tina," it's Seiko. MR. HOWARD Tina! Tina!! TINA!!! MRS. HOWARD "Robert," settle down. MR. HOWARD (screaming) AHHHHHH! Mr. Howard suddenly grabs his chest. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene. Mr. Howard is gone. TINA Mom, I just finished the third movement of that concerto I was working on. I put, like, this techno beat on this Japanese folk tune - wanna hear it? MR. HOWARD (running down the hall) No! We not like to hear it! Go to your room and shut up! TINA Oh, I almost forgot... (removing envelope from pocket) I got my acceptance to Tokyo University. MR. HOWARD What, you deaf? I say shut up-shut up- SHUT UP! (coming at camera) Cut her outta this! JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene on couch. MR. HOWARD Now Molly, tell movie man what you talent do. MOLLY I'll be line dancin'. MR. HOWARD (giving thumbs up) Country western! MRS. HOWARD Clint Black! Ruff! MR. HOWARD Hey, what he got I not got? They all laugh. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE CLOSE ON Michelle Johanson's face. MICHELLE ... Yah-I'll be performing a dramatic monologue. SUPER: CONTESTANT #2, MICHELLE JOHANSON MICHELLE (cont'd) Right now, I'm thinkin' "Othello" or... "Soylent Green." Lots of girls make a smooth transition from pageants into actin', y'know. SMASH CUT TO: LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) CONNIE, mid-30's, Midwestern attractive, wearing a sash and tiara, stands in front of a BLUE SCREEN of a FOREST. CONNIE Competin' for the title of Minnesota's American Teen Princess sure was excitin'. But, I never coulda won without my... PULL BACK to reveal a table full of PORK PRODUCTS. CONNIE (cont'd) St. Paul Pork Products! LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SCREEN CHANGES to OUTSIDE FACTORY/STOCK YARDS. Connie now wears a coat and hat and acts as if it's chilly. CONNIE (cont'd) I've been enjoyin' St. Paul Pork Products for years. I grew up right next to these stock yards. SCREEN CHANGES to VIDEO of a SLAUGHTER LINE. PIG CARCASSES move on hooks. Connie wears a hard hat and blood stained butcher's apron. CONNIE (cont'd) It's still the same family-run business that Walter and Vera Polarski started in 1920 when they raised and slaughtered their first pig. Connie grabs a HOT DOG from O.C. and takes a bite. CONNIE (cont'd) Mmm-mmmm. I just love St. Paul Pork Products. In fact, I love kem so much LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SLIDE CHANGES to VIDEO of the SAUSAGE LINE. Workers stuff sausages. Connie wears a white jumpsuit and hairnet. CONNIE (cont'd) I work here now! INT. BETZ LIVING ROOM - NIGHT MRS. BETZ, a large woman, holds a tray of bars. CREW MEMBERS REACH IN THE SHOT and help themselves. JANELLE BETZ sits on the couch, SIGNING EVERYTHING she says. JANELLE (slow, due to signing) ...My talent will be an interpretive dance while I sing, "Through the Eyes of Love." I have a dream of spreadin' sign language around the world... Mom? Would you be so kind? SUPER: CONTESTANT #8, JANELLE BETZ JANELLE (cont'd) Yeah. Well, see, uh, I have a dream of spreading sign language around the world. (to Mrs. Betz) Mom, would you be so kind. Mrs. Betz quickly puts down the bars and goes to the piano where she starts "Through the Eyes of Love." Janelle begins to gesticulate and sign words in an overly dramatic performance that looks like a bizarre seizure. SOUND occasionally DIPS OUT as the BOOM OPERATOR reaches for bars. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER TAMMY CURRY - a cute, jock-type. She wears a LETTER JACKET, covered with VARSITY SPORTS PATCHES. TAMMY CURRY Tammy Curry. I'm signin' up for the scholarship'n'all. SMASH CUT TO: INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM She POINTS to VARIOUS PATCHES on her LETTER JACKET. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) ...This one's for Varsity Soccer, uh, I'm captain. (pointing) I run track, and, uh... (points to small gun patch) Right here, I'm the new President of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club... ANGLE ON LSGC PRESIDENT logo patch. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) (O.S.) I love that one. EXT. FARM FIELD Shot from crew van. Sun is setting behind a lovely field of green. A John Deere Thresher travels across the burning red horizon. DOCUMENTARIAN (V.O.) Would you say you have a good chance to win this pageant? SUPER: CONTESTANT #9, TAMMY CURRY TAMMY (V.O.) Yeah, you bet I do. I mean, maybe other people think I can't win a beauty pageant. But other people didn't think I could beat out Becky Leeman for President of the gun club, either. And I did. I-I-It's just like Anthony Robbins says, "I'm a winner. Nobody can stop me but me!" KABLOOM! Tammy's John Deere thresher BLOWS UP! INT. LUTHERAN CHURCH BASEMENT - KITCHEN AREA - NIGHT CLOSE ON framed school photo of Tammy Curry. PULL BACK to see her letter jacket - scorched and torn (Lutheran Gun Club patch is MISSING) - and flowers. CONTINUE PULLING BACK to reveal both are surrounded by buns, bars and coffee on a long buffet table. A line of somber and repressed Lutherans help themselves to the food. Servettes stand at the ready. Gladys and Iris face the camera. GLADYS Well, you know, I think everyone's doing really well considering the fact that she was so young. IRIS It's always hard to see the young ones called home, especially on an exploding thresher. It's just so odd and gross. GLADYS You know that sometimes it's hard to understand God's great plan. IRIS Yeah. Iris pats Gladys on the shoulder. FEMALE MOURNER #1 May I have a tissue? GLADYS But the show must go on. (she faces Iris) I gotta get a hold of Ted and ask him if we can use that barn light as a spot again. So you watch the Jell-o salad, okay? IRIS All right. Okay. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER It's smokey as hell. THREE "FRY" GIRLS and a PREGNANT "FRY" GIRL - all with "shelf bangs" - smoke and drink. FRY GIRL #1 ...Oh, yeah-right. I ain't gonna be in no goddamn pageant! Look what happened to that dork-ass farm girl. PREGNANT FRY GIRL (O.C.) Tammy Curry? FRY GIRL #1 Yah-yah. Everyone says this is a big accident? She got iced because she wins everything, and this time someone didn't want her to win. PREGNANT FRY GIRL This pageant's like a roach motel. FRY GIRL #1 Girls check in, but they don't check out. PREGNANT FRY GIRL Yeah. And they say smokin' is bad for your health. FRY GIRL #1 (raising cigarette into frame) Yeah. EXT. OLD TWO STORY HOUSE - ESTABLISHING - DAY SIGN painted on GARAGE DOOR: "Dance Studio, Downstairs past the Laundry Room." CAMERA moves DOWNSTAIRS to converted basement. LISA SWENSON and two other large "ballerinas" practice at a 2x4/ballet barre. MOZART plays in the b.g. CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN watches and smokes. (Picture Betty Davis in her final days.) CHLORIS And tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. And repeat. Suck in the belly, girls, and tuck in the tushes! SUPER: CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN, CHOREOGRAPHER CHLORIS (cont'd) Close those legs! You look like a bunch of bowlegged cows! Other side. And...tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. CUT TO: Chloris smokes and talks to camera. "Ballerinas" practice. CHLORIS (cont'd) Yeah, you boys sure picked a good year. If I was a betting woman, and there was a line on this in Vegas, I'd lay down ten-to-one that it all comes down to Amber Atkins and Becky Leeman. Oh, sweet Jesus, what a showdown this could be if Cain and Abel... The SOUND RECORDIST enters and Lisa spins out of control, taking him out. She leans over and comforts him. LISA Ow! Oh, God. It's so em-so embarrassing. EST. SHOT - "DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC" - DAY MARY (V.O.) (labored breaths) My winning...the Mount Rose... INT. PATIENT'S ROOM - DAY SMILING ANOREXIC GIRL sits in bed - a TIARA in what's left of her hair and a SASH over her hospital gown. MARY ...American Teen Princess Pageant... SUPER: MARY JOHANSON, REIGNING MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS MARY (cont'd) ...really changed my life. The TIARA SLIPS OFF her BALDING HEAD and rolls to the floor. INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber fixes Mary's hair, carefully brushing her balding head. Mary smiles, oblivious. MARY (labored breaths) ...Amber does my hair...once a week. AMBER (flattered and embarrassed) Well...it's the least I can do for the reigning Mount Rose Junior Miss Amer-- Amber pulls the brush away with a clump of Mary's hair dangling from it. AMBER (cont'd) Oh God... MARY What? AMBER Huh? Oh...Uh, just a little snarl... Amber mouths, "Shhh! Don't tell!" to camera as she tries to pull the clump of hair from the brush. JUMP CUT TO: INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber ties the tiara and missing clump of hair to Mary's head with a ribbon. AMBER There we go. She holds the mirror for Mary. MARY (delusional) Beautiful... Maybe next week... a perm. AMBER Yah... sure... Amber gives a kind but worried smile to camera. Suddenly, Becky Leeman enters with a large box of chocolates. She's fully aware of the cameras from the moment she enters. BECKY Hellooo, Little Mary Sunshine! (pretending to notice camera) What?! Oh-oh my God! Lights! Camera! And me without a stitch of make-up on. What are you guys doin' here? She's in full make-up. AMBER What're you doin' here? BECKY Oh, Amber, like you're the only one who visits Mary. MARY (to Becky) Who are you? BECKY (covering) "Who are you?!" Oh Mary, you kill me. (to camera) She always says that. It's a little game we play. Every week - same dippy little look on her face. "Who are you - who are you?" Just like that. (in Mary's face) It's me - Becky - and I brought your favorites. Becky puts the chocolates on Mary's lap, a few spill. Throughout the following, Mary slowly reaches for them as if they're forbidden fruit and she's a very hungry Eve. AMBER How nice, Becky, she's anorexic. Becky roughly puts her hands over Mary's ears, who's now gently petting the spilled chocolates in her lap. BECKY (sotto, reprimanding tone) She's skinny, not deaf, Amber. EXT. TRAILER - LATE AFTERNOON MONTAGE - Amber taps around the mobile home community, HOME FROM SCHOOL - backpack, Walkman, cool music blaring. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber stands in a room the SIZE OF A CLOSET. Posters, articles and pictures of great tap dancers and Diane Sawyer cover the walls. AMBER ... Dreams? Yah-sure I got kem... Sometimes I dream of winnin'... I dream of gettin' outta Mount Rose and bein' a big time reporter like Diane Sawyer. I mean, guys get outta Mount Rose all the time for hockey scholarships or prison. But the pageant's kinda my only chance. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber points to LARGE PAGEANT PHOTO OF DIANE SAWYER - 1963 AMBER ... Yah-1963. Her beauty worked against her when she started as a reporter in Louisville, her hometown. Those were different times. ANNETTE (O.S.) (yelling, coughing) Hey, Amber, y'get my smokes? AMBER (smiling) That's my mom. (yelling) I'll get kem in a sec. ANNETTE ATKINS, Amber's mom - sexy, but tired - OPENS THE DOOR. ANNETTE (surprised by cameras) Oh shit! AMBER They're from L.A. They wanted to see my room and film me for their movie. ANNETTE (mock-touched, to crew) Oh... How quickly they grow up. (exiting, smiling) Hey, if they ask you to take off your shirt, get the money first. Annette is gone. ANNETTE (cont'd) (O.S.) And go get my smokes! JUMP CUT TO: EST. SHOT - LEEMAN FAMILY HOME - DAY Landscaped grounds surround this lovely two-story. INT. LEEMAN HOME - VARIOUS ROOMS Brief "LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH & FAMOUS" montage of Gladys showing off interiors to the theme from "GONE WITH THE WIND." INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY It looks like a Levitz showroom. Gladys sits stiffly between Becky and her husband, LESTER - mid-60's, gruff, "old school" salesman, drink in hand. LESTER ...You betcha. S'posed to be colder-n- a witches tit tonight... GLADYS (nervous laugh) Oh, Lester. He loves his weather, y'know. LESTER (looking to crew, O.S.) Hey, ya like it? Open it...Yah-the globe. Pull at the equator there. GLADYS We're not in the showroom, Dear. Banging and fumbling. A CORKSCREW flies into shot - CREW GUY quickly ENTERS SHOT and grabs it. LESTER Fits three full-size booze bottles. The cassette deck pulls outta Afghanistan, there. BECKY (embarrassed) Mommm... GLADYS Lester? LESTER Oh, all right (to camera) How soon they forget where all this comes from. BECKY Japan. LESTER That's enough, young lady. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER GLADYS "Impartial?" Outside this house I'm Gladys Leeman, President, Civil Servettes - impartial as the day is long. But we're inside my home now and I've gotta warn you, I'm wearin' my "wife apron" and "mom hat." So, I can safely say that I'm the mother of the most talented contestant Mount Rose has ever seen. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER Lester's gone from the couch. GLADYS I'll field that one - Rebecca's saving her voice. Becky smiles admiringly at Gladys. GLADYS (cont'd) You-betcha, Rebecca's ready. She's been singin' and dancin' since she was knee high to a pig's eye. Lester returns to the couch, large drink in hand. LESTER Yah-she's damn near as good as that little black fella - with the glass eye. GLADYS Sammy Davis, Jr., honey. LESTER Yeah, yeah, the Jew. BECKY Nice one, Dad. He's dead. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Same scene. BOYS' WRESTLING TEAM - tight singlets - runs laps around gym - between Servettes and camera. GLADYS ...Yah-then, for the "Judges Interview," each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges before the pageant... Gladys is distracted by the HARD, YOUNG bodies. All are. GLADYS Yes, the Judges Interview.. Each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges prior to the pageant. Then we have the... A HUNKY WRESTLER, TONY, waves. GLADYS (cont'd) Hello, Tony. TONY Hey. GLADYS "Hey" to

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Drop Dead Gorgeous Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> DROP DEAD GORGEOUS DROP DEAD GORGEOUS FADE IN: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - MINNESOTA - DAY Vintage black and white stock footage of some farms and farmhouses. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY Color footage of cotton fields passing by. We FREEZE and FADE TO BLACK. TITLE WIPES IN: 1995 MARKED THE FIFTIETH ANNIVERSARY OF THE NATION'S OLDEST BEAUTY CONTEST... THE SARAH ROSE COSMETICS AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS PAGEANT A DOCUMENTARY FILM CREW WAS SENT TO A SMALL TOWN IN MINNESOTA TO COMMEMORATE THIS OCCASSION. INT. PAGEANT AUDITORIUM - MOUNT ROSE - DAY Vintage blue-toned stock footage of a teenage beauty pageant contestant. LEGS WIPE IN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Sarah Rose knows you're a beautiful person.... Blue-toned stock footage of a long row of beauty pageant contestants on stage. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Sarah Rose knows you have an unusual talent. Sarah Rose knows you're a teenage girl. Blue-toned stock footage of the row of contestants parading down some steps from the stage as CAMERA TILTS DOWN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Mmm, and she definitely knows that you are ready for the ultimate teen glamour. ROUSING PATRIOTIC MUSIC. FAST PACED CUTS feature SMILING TEENAGE CONTESTANTS dancing and waving American flags. APPLAUSE! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant. Each contestant wears a BANNER ACROSS her dress reading: AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) And now, a few words... ANGLE ON Contestants DROP, ROLL and form a STAR. CHEERS! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) ...from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. ADAM WEST The American Teen Princess Pageant has been enriching the lives of American- made girls since 1945. TITLES FADE ON SCREEN: Adam West, TV's Batman, then FADE OUT. ADAM WEST (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant provides personal growth, scholarship, travel, and you... Numerous contestants stand up in SHOT and SURROUND ADAM. ADAM WEST (cont'd) ...might even meet a few celebrities. At the national level, thousands of seventeen year-old girls like yourselves. and compete around the country in places like: MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Beautiful Mount Rose, Minnesota. ADAM WEST And make it all the way here to Lincoln, Alabama, to compete for the title of American Teen Princess. LIGHTS come UP on the teenaged girls in the pageant as they pause. As they WAVE AMERICAN FLAGS. Adam West turns back to the camera. ADAM WEST (cont'd) And now, a few words from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. Contestants strike a pose around him. THUNDEROUS CANNED APPLAUSE! ADAM WEST (cont'd) (pointing to camera) So, which one of you will it b-- SCREEN SUDDENLY STATIC. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY SCENE from "DAYS OF OUR LIVES" PULL BACK to reveal the VIDEO is on a TV in front of a GROUP OF SEVENTEEN YEAR-OLD GIRLS, sitting in gym bleachers. [NOTE: The film is shot documentary style. PEOPLE ARE REAL. Their lives revolve around this pageant. All speak with a THICK MINNESOTA ACCENT.] THREE "CIVIL SERVETTES," the local women's group. [Picture unattractive Stepford Wives in matching windbreakers] stand beside GLADYS LEEMAN, 34, president. She STOPS THE VIDEO. GLADYS LEEMAN Good God, Iris, you taped your shows over it. IRIS Sorry. Gladys turns to the GIRLS in the bleachers. SUPER: MOUNT ROSE, MINNESOTA POPULATION: 5,076 GLADYS LEEMAN Now ladies, the rest of the tape - which is now gone forever - goes on about startin' this great American journey we call American Teen Princess...Yah-so, any of you young ladies who'd like to start on that journey, you just come right down here and sign up. And please...help yourselves to some coffee and bars... SMASH EDIT TO: Gladys seated with middle-aged women. GLADYS Showtime. SUPER: GLADYS LEEMAN, LOCAL CHAIRMAN, PAGEANT ORGANIZING COMMITTEE. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you think that most people would say that teenage beauty pageants are a good idea? GLADYS Oh yah-sure, I know what some of your big city, no bra wearin', hairy-legged women's libbers say, "Pageants are old- fashioned" and, uh, and "demeaning" to the girls -- IRIS (jumping in) What's sick is women dressin' like men! Civil Servettes stare at her a beat. GLADYS Uh... You betcha, Iris. (quickly, back to camera) Yah-I think yous boys'll find that things are different here in Mount Rose... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) For one thing, y'know, we're God fearin' folk - every last one of us... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) You won't find a back room in our video store... Servettes AD-LIB "AMEN. YAH-YOU BETCHA." etc. GLADYS (cont'd) (V.O.) ...that filth is better left in the "Sin Cities." IRIS A.k.a. Minneapolis - St. Paul. PULL AWAY from MINNEAPOLIS SKYLINE to COUNTRYSIDE. EXT. QUAINT MAIN STREET The camera drives down the street. EXT. PICTURESQUE MIDDLE-CLASS NEIGHBORHOODS The camera drives down the street. EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE A HAPPY FAMILY raises the AMERICAN FLAG. EXT. SUBURBAN DRIVEWAY BURLY GUYS look up from washing a FORD TRUCK. EXT. TRAILER PARK Sign next to it reads: "Welcome to Mount Rose, Home of Freda Klinghagen, Minnesota's Oldest Living Lutheran" complete with a photo of the extremely old woman smiling and waving. EXT. CREW VAN An ELDERLY COUPLE looks in the passenger window of the van. ELDERLY MAN (MAYOR) Oh, yah-sure, Freda, yah. She was the oldest livin' Lutheran. Now she's dead as a doornail. It's them damn Shriners who ain't taken that Goddamn sign down yet - those lazy sons-a- bitches... I tells kem, I tells kem every goddamn year, "Take the Goddamn Freda sign down, you lazy sons-a-bitches!" SUPER: MAYOR OF MOUNT ROSE INT. GLADYS' VAN - DAY Through the window a family waves to Gladys. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY Two BOYS play basketball in the driveway of their home. EXT. FRONT LAWN - DAY SMALL CHILDREN in bathing suits play on a lawn. A boy shoots his water pistol. INT. LEEMAN STATION WAGON - AFTERNOON Civil Servettes and crew are piled in. Gladys drives. GLADYS ...Today's "To Do" list includes a trip to the Mall of America. We need outfits for the "Physical Fitness" number -- IRIS Nothin' too showy! GLADYS Y'betcha, Iris. We still need a third judge and we need to think of a theme. Servettes react with pleasure. IRIS Gladys -- Gladys! Look out! A CAR SWERVES. GLADYS Oh, my! (waving out window) Hello, Father Donigan! Sidewalks, sidewalks? Iris mimes drinking, "glug, glug." GLADYS (cont'd) Iris, stop! (to camera) It's not his fault. The communal wine just proves too temptin' for some of them. IRIS That's why we Lutherans use grape Koolaid for the blood of Christ. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA In the vast, already full parking lot, we see Gladys Leeman's station wagon searching for a parking spot. IRIS Oh, there's a parking space over there. Oh, no, that's just a compact. Sorry. GLADYS You'd think they'd build the parking lot of America to go with the Mall of America! Gladys pulls into a HANDICAPPED SPOT. Servettes and CAMERA stand outside the car. Iris points at the sign. IRIS It's a two-hundred dollar fine! GLADYS I said I'd move if a cripple came. Let's just run in the store and pick out some outfits. IRIS All right, let's go. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA PARKING LOT Iris and another Servette start to get out of the car. GLADYS Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! I just thought of the theme. Iris and the Servette stop. IRIS Oh! What is it? GLADYS (cont'd) "Proud...to be...an...American." Servettes react with pleasure. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOA PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So what was the theme of the pageant last year? GLADYS Last year? It was, "Buy American." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) And the year before that? GLADYS "U.S.A. is A-okay." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Can you remember the theme of your favorite pageant? GLADYS "Can I? I'm Amer-I-Can!" People ask me where I get this. I don't know, it's...maybe a gift from God or somethin'. INT. MOUNT ROSE HIGH - GYM - DAY PAN DOWN row of EIGHT GIRLS signing up and eating bars. SUPER: LOCAL PAGEANT REGISTRATION, MOUNT ROSE HIGH SCHOOL ANGLE ON LESLIE MILLER - sexy/peppy girl in CHEERLEADING UNIFORM. LESLIE MILLER ...Hi. (giggles) I'm Leslie Miller. I'm signin' up kcause-ah, y'know, I always watch pageants on the TV and my boyfriend thinks I'll win. SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, LESLIE MILLER She makes "gills" on the sides of her head with her hands. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) For my talent, I'm gonna be doing the.. Two FOOTBALL PLAYERS interrupt: PAT, her boyfriend, and BRETT, who smiles and gives a nod to Amber. Pat grabs Leslie and kisses her hard. LESLIE (cont'd) Uh, Pat, I'm trying to tell themabout my...Oh... Hormones take over and they lock lips again. She wraps her legs around him. He feels up her ass. They continue groping as her Washington Monument slips off. CUT TO: Leslie waves and blows kisses while performing a cheerleader chant. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) Hi, Pat! Go, Muskies! Whoo! INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM AMBER ATKINS - naturally pretty blonde, sweet as sugar pie, stares into camera like a deer caught in headlights. AMBER ATKINS (suddenly looking O.C.) Hi, I-I'm Amber Atkins and, um, I'm signin' up k'cause, ah, my two favorite people in the world competed. My mom and Diane Sawyer...Course I hope I end up a little more like Diane Sawyer than my mom... She flashes a GRIN, we melt. INT. FUNERAL HOME/EMBALMING ROOM - DAY Amber tap-dances as she applies make-up to a MALE CORPSE. SUPER: CONTESTANT #1, AMBER ATKINS DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you do any of the, uh, embalming? AMBER (laughing) Oh, my God, no. Oh, God. I just do the hair and makeup on the deceased. EXT. ROAD - DAY Amber tap dances at the side of the road as traffic passes. AMBER (V.O.) I'm lucky I have an after-school job where I can practice my talent. EXT. MOA PARKING LOT - DAY GLADYS Oh, yeah, sure. You know, every pageant is special, but this one is extra-special to me. When I was seventeen, I don't know if you know this, but I was crowned Mount Rose's American Teen Princess. And this year...drum roll please, my lovely daughter, Rebecca Ann Leeman is competin'. INT. HIGH SCHOOL REBECCA LEEMAN stands in front of Amber and addresses the camerman (O.S.). BECKY Is this my mark? (it is) Hi, I'm Rebecca Leeman. And I believe this pageant is an important experience for every young woman. It, well, it teaches you what's really important in life, and it has the power to change you in ways you've never dreamed of. INT. GUN RANGE Becky, in shooting goggles and ear muffs, FIRES a Glock- 17 9mm pistol with both hands. Sign on wall reads: "Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club." (See Iona in b.g. with an arsenal of sniper weaponry.) BECKY (yelling over noise) ...What?! Klinghagen thinks it'll all come down to me and Amber? Becky stops firing and takes off her hear muffs. BECKY (cont'd) Well, you have to take everything Mrs. Klinghagen says with a grain of salt. Not all your Catholics go to communion for the wafers, if you know what I mean... JUMP CUT TO: INT. LUTHERAN SISTERHOOD GUN RANGE - LATER Becky thumbs bullets into her magazine as she talks. BECKY ...Yah-my mom gave me this nine-mil for my thirteenth birthday... SUPER: CONTESTANT #6, BECKY LEEMAN I'll always remember what she wrote in the card. "Jesus loves winners." That's why, no matter what I do... She shoves the magazine back in her pistol. BECKY (cont'd) I aim to win. She smiles to camera, then violently fires off a few rounds. Zoom in on the MALE TARGET: several bullet holes in the head. INT. "NEW YORK, NEW YORK" BEDROOM - DAY It's all NEW YORK MEMORABILIA. Lisa Swenson - big bubbly girl - sits on her bed. LISA Why? Well, uh, it's kind of like askin', "Why do all the guys chew Copenhagen?" You know? I mean, if you're seventeen and you're not a total fry, it's just what you do. ETHEL MERMAN's "Everything's Coming Up Roses" PLAYS over speakers. SUPER: CONTESTANT #7, LISA SWENSON DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Have you decided what your talent is going to be yet? LISA I'm gonna sing and dance to, "New York, New York." See, I fell in love with The Big Apple last summer when I was visitin' my brother. He followed his dream to New York. PICKS UP 8x10's, shows to camera. LISA (cont'd) This is Peter as Liza. This is him as Madonna. Oh, here's me with him as Barbara... INT. "GERMAN SHEPHERD" BEDROOM - DAY TESS WEINHAUS, wearing an "I love German Shepherds" t- shirt. The room is filled with German Shepherd paraphernalia. TESS Uh... I don't know what my talent's gonna be yet... SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, TESS WEINHAUS TESS (cont'd) Kenny. Kenny, come. Come, Kenny. A DACHSHUND enters and jumps on her lap. TESS (cont'd) This is Kenny. Spike, my German Shepherd, went to live with a nice family on a farm after he attacked me. It wasn't his fault. I had beef jerky in my front pocket. (pulling up shirt) They re-made my belly with skin from my butt. DISSOLVE TO: INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY - DAY IONA HILDERBRANDT - librarian, 65+ - stamps books. SUPER: IONA HILDERBRANDT, MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS - 1945 IONA HILDERBRANTDT (smoked for sixty years) I was Mount Rose American Teen Princess in 1945. We were at war with the Japs. ANGLE ON A vintage B&W photograph of 18-year-old IONA HILDERBRANDT, looking surprised with hands on cheeks, is being crowned MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS by TWO SOLDIERS on a GYM STAGE. YOUNG IONA, wearing TIARA, stands with SOLDIERS and WAR OFFICIALS beside a boiling pot of metal. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (V.O.) (cont'd) I didn't even get to keep my damn tiara. Iona's about to drop her tiara into a recycling bin. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (cont'd) Had to turn it in for scrap. DISSOLVE TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM MOLLY HOWARD, a large white girl, sits between a JAPANESE COUPLE, Mr. and Mrs. HOWARD. SUPER: CONTESTANT #5, MOLLY HOWARD MR. HOWARD (heavy accent) ... So we adopt Molly three year ago when we come to America, to help acclimate us to American. MOLLY (smiling) To America, Dad. Mr. Howard laughs. MRS. HOWARD She all-American girl. She our American Teen Princess girl. MOLLY Oh, Mom... The Howard's biological daughter (they renamed her "TINA") ENTERS FRAME. Although she's the picture of beauty, grace, talent and charm, she represents their old life. TINA (in Japanese) Excuse me, Father, Mother, when are we moving back to Tokyo? I can't stand this place anymore. They put butter on everything. MR. HOWARD (turning, suddenly angry) English! English, you stupid little retard! We America now, Tina! TINA (perfect English) I'm sorry, Dad, but with all due respect, my name isn't "Tina," it's Seiko. MR. HOWARD Tina! Tina!! TINA!!! MRS. HOWARD "Robert," settle down. MR. HOWARD (screaming) AHHHHHH! Mr. Howard suddenly grabs his chest. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene. Mr. Howard is gone. TINA Mom, I just finished the third movement of that concerto I was working on. I put, like, this techno beat on this Japanese folk tune - wanna hear it? MR. HOWARD (running down the hall) No! We not like to hear it! Go to your room and shut up! TINA Oh, I almost forgot... (removing envelope from pocket) I got my acceptance to Tokyo University. MR. HOWARD What, you deaf? I say shut up-shut up- SHUT UP! (coming at camera) Cut her outta this! JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene on couch. MR. HOWARD Now Molly, tell movie man what you talent do. MOLLY I'll be line dancin'. MR. HOWARD (giving thumbs up) Country western! MRS. HOWARD Clint Black! Ruff! MR. HOWARD Hey, what he got I not got? They all laugh. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE CLOSE ON Michelle Johanson's face. MICHELLE ... Yah-I'll be performing a dramatic monologue. SUPER: CONTESTANT #2, MICHELLE JOHANSON MICHELLE (cont'd) Right now, I'm thinkin' "Othello" or... "Soylent Green." Lots of girls make a smooth transition from pageants into actin', y'know. SMASH CUT TO: LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) CONNIE, mid-30's, Midwestern attractive, wearing a sash and tiara, stands in front of a BLUE SCREEN of a FOREST. CONNIE Competin' for the title of Minnesota's American Teen Princess sure was excitin'. But, I never coulda won without my... PULL BACK to reveal a table full of PORK PRODUCTS. CONNIE (cont'd) St. Paul Pork Products! LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SCREEN CHANGES to OUTSIDE FACTORY/STOCK YARDS. Connie now wears a coat and hat and acts as if it's chilly. CONNIE (cont'd) I've been enjoyin' St. Paul Pork Products for years. I grew up right next to these stock yards. SCREEN CHANGES to VIDEO of a SLAUGHTER LINE. PIG CARCASSES move on hooks. Connie wears a hard hat and blood stained butcher's apron. CONNIE (cont'd) It's still the same family-run business that Walter and Vera Polarski started in 1920 when they raised and slaughtered their first pig. Connie grabs a HOT DOG from O.C. and takes a bite. CONNIE (cont'd) Mmm-mmmm. I just love St. Paul Pork Products. In fact, I love kem so much LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SLIDE CHANGES to VIDEO of the SAUSAGE LINE. Workers stuff sausages. Connie wears a white jumpsuit and hairnet. CONNIE (cont'd) I work here now! INT. BETZ LIVING ROOM - NIGHT MRS. BETZ, a large woman, holds a tray of bars. CREW MEMBERS REACH IN THE SHOT and help themselves. JANELLE BETZ sits on the couch, SIGNING EVERYTHING she says. JANELLE (slow, due to signing) ...My talent will be an interpretive dance while I sing, "Through the Eyes of Love." I have a dream of spreadin' sign language around the world... Mom? Would you be so kind? SUPER: CONTESTANT #8, JANELLE BETZ JANELLE (cont'd) Yeah. Well, see, uh, I have a dream of spreading sign language around the world. (to Mrs. Betz) Mom, would you be so kind. Mrs. Betz quickly puts down the bars and goes to the piano where she starts "Through the Eyes of Love." Janelle begins to gesticulate and sign words in an overly dramatic performance that looks like a bizarre seizure. SOUND occasionally DIPS OUT as the BOOM OPERATOR reaches for bars. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER TAMMY CURRY - a cute, jock-type. She wears a LETTER JACKET, covered with VARSITY SPORTS PATCHES. TAMMY CURRY Tammy Curry. I'm signin' up for the scholarship'n'all. SMASH CUT TO: INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM She POINTS to VARIOUS PATCHES on her LETTER JACKET. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) ...This one's for Varsity Soccer, uh, I'm captain. (pointing) I run track, and, uh... (points to small gun patch) Right here, I'm the new President of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club... ANGLE ON LSGC PRESIDENT logo patch. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) (O.S.) I love that one. EXT. FARM FIELD Shot from crew van. Sun is setting behind a lovely field of green. A John Deere Thresher travels across the burning red horizon. DOCUMENTARIAN (V.O.) Would you say you have a good chance to win this pageant? SUPER: CONTESTANT #9, TAMMY CURRY TAMMY (V.O.) Yeah, you bet I do. I mean, maybe other people think I can't win a beauty pageant. But other people didn't think I could beat out Becky Leeman for President of the gun club, either. And I did. I-I-It's just like Anthony Robbins says, "I'm a winner. Nobody can stop me but me!" KABLOOM! Tammy's John Deere thresher BLOWS UP! INT. LUTHERAN CHURCH BASEMENT - KITCHEN AREA - NIGHT CLOSE ON framed school photo of Tammy Curry. PULL BACK to see her letter jacket - scorched and torn (Lutheran Gun Club patch is MISSING) - and flowers. CONTINUE PULLING BACK to reveal both are surrounded by buns, bars and coffee on a long buffet table. A line of somber and repressed Lutherans help themselves to the food. Servettes stand at the ready. Gladys and Iris face the camera. GLADYS Well, you know, I think everyone's doing really well considering the fact that she was so young. IRIS It's always hard to see the young ones called home, especially on an exploding thresher. It's just so odd and gross. GLADYS You know that sometimes it's hard to understand God's great plan. IRIS Yeah. Iris pats Gladys on the shoulder. FEMALE MOURNER #1 May I have a tissue? GLADYS But the show must go on. (she faces Iris) I gotta get a hold of Ted and ask him if we can use that barn light as a spot again. So you watch the Jell-o salad, okay? IRIS All right. Okay. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER It's smokey as hell. THREE "FRY" GIRLS and a PREGNANT "FRY" GIRL - all with "shelf bangs" - smoke and drink. FRY GIRL #1 ...Oh, yeah-right. I ain't gonna be in no goddamn pageant! Look what happened to that dork-ass farm girl. PREGNANT FRY GIRL (O.C.) Tammy Curry? FRY GIRL #1 Yah-yah. Everyone says this is a big accident? She got iced because she wins everything, and this time someone didn't want her to win. PREGNANT FRY GIRL This pageant's like a roach motel. FRY GIRL #1 Girls check in, but they don't check out. PREGNANT FRY GIRL Yeah. And they say smokin' is bad for your health. FRY GIRL #1 (raising cigarette into frame) Yeah. EXT. OLD TWO STORY HOUSE - ESTABLISHING - DAY SIGN painted on GARAGE DOOR: "Dance Studio, Downstairs past the Laundry Room." CAMERA moves DOWNSTAIRS to converted basement. LISA SWENSON and two other large "ballerinas" practice at a 2x4/ballet barre. MOZART plays in the b.g. CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN watches and smokes. (Picture Betty Davis in her final days.) CHLORIS And tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. And repeat. Suck in the belly, girls, and tuck in the tushes! SUPER: CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN, CHOREOGRAPHER CHLORIS (cont'd) Close those legs! You look like a bunch of bowlegged cows! Other side. And...tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. CUT TO: Chloris smokes and talks to camera. "Ballerinas" practice. CHLORIS (cont'd) Yeah, you boys sure picked a good year. If I was a betting woman, and there was a line on this in Vegas, I'd lay down ten-to-one that it all comes down to Amber Atkins and Becky Leeman. Oh, sweet Jesus, what a showdown this could be if Cain and Abel... The SOUND RECORDIST enters and Lisa spins out of control, taking him out. She leans over and comforts him. LISA Ow! Oh, God. It's so em-so embarrassing. EST. SHOT - "DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC" - DAY MARY (V.O.) (labored breaths) My winning...the Mount Rose... INT. PATIENT'S ROOM - DAY SMILING ANOREXIC GIRL sits in bed - a TIARA in what's left of her hair and a SASH over her hospital gown. MARY ...American Teen Princess Pageant... SUPER: MARY JOHANSON, REIGNING MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS MARY (cont'd) ...really changed my life. The TIARA SLIPS OFF her BALDING HEAD and rolls to the floor. INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber fixes Mary's hair, carefully brushing her balding head. Mary smiles, oblivious. MARY (labored breaths) ...Amber does my hair...once a week. AMBER (flattered and embarrassed) Well...it's the least I can do for the reigning Mount Rose Junior Miss Amer-- Amber pulls the brush away with a clump of Mary's hair dangling from it. AMBER (cont'd) Oh God... MARY What? AMBER Huh? Oh...Uh, just a little snarl... Amber mouths, "Shhh! Don't tell!" to camera as she tries to pull the clump of hair from the brush. JUMP CUT TO: INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber ties the tiara and missing clump of hair to Mary's head with a ribbon. AMBER There we go. She holds the mirror for Mary. MARY (delusional) Beautiful... Maybe next week... a perm. AMBER Yah... sure... Amber gives a kind but worried smile to camera. Suddenly, Becky Leeman enters with a large box of chocolates. She's fully aware of the cameras from the moment she enters. BECKY Hellooo, Little Mary Sunshine! (pretending to notice camera) What?! Oh-oh my God! Lights! Camera! And me without a stitch of make-up on. What are you guys doin' here? She's in full make-up. AMBER What're you doin' here? BECKY Oh, Amber, like you're the only one who visits Mary. MARY (to Becky) Who are you? BECKY (covering) "Who are you?!" Oh Mary, you kill me. (to camera) She always says that. It's a little game we play. Every week - same dippy little look on her face. "Who are you - who are you?" Just like that. (in Mary's face) It's me - Becky - and I brought your favorites. Becky puts the chocolates on Mary's lap, a few spill. Throughout the following, Mary slowly reaches for them as if they're forbidden fruit and she's a very hungry Eve. AMBER How nice, Becky, she's anorexic. Becky roughly puts her hands over Mary's ears, who's now gently petting the spilled chocolates in her lap. BECKY (sotto, reprimanding tone) She's skinny, not deaf, Amber. EXT. TRAILER - LATE AFTERNOON MONTAGE - Amber taps around the mobile home community, HOME FROM SCHOOL - backpack, Walkman, cool music blaring. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber stands in a room the SIZE OF A CLOSET. Posters, articles and pictures of great tap dancers and Diane Sawyer cover the walls. AMBER ... Dreams? Yah-sure I got kem... Sometimes I dream of winnin'... I dream of gettin' outta Mount Rose and bein' a big time reporter like Diane Sawyer. I mean, guys get outta Mount Rose all the time for hockey scholarships or prison. But the pageant's kinda my only chance. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber points to LARGE PAGEANT PHOTO OF DIANE SAWYER - 1963 AMBER ... Yah-1963. Her beauty worked against her when she started as a reporter in Louisville, her hometown. Those were different times. ANNETTE (O.S.) (yelling, coughing) Hey, Amber, y'get my smokes? AMBER (smiling) That's my mom. (yelling) I'll get kem in a sec. ANNETTE ATKINS, Amber's mom - sexy, but tired - OPENS THE DOOR. ANNETTE (surprised by cameras) Oh shit! AMBER They're from L.A. They wanted to see my room and film me for their movie. ANNETTE (mock-touched, to crew) Oh... How quickly they grow up. (exiting, smiling) Hey, if they ask you to take off your shirt, get the money first. Annette is gone. ANNETTE (cont'd) (O.S.) And go get my smokes! JUMP CUT TO: EST. SHOT - LEEMAN FAMILY HOME - DAY Landscaped grounds surround this lovely two-story. INT. LEEMAN HOME - VARIOUS ROOMS Brief "LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH & FAMOUS" montage of Gladys showing off interiors to the theme from "GONE WITH THE WIND." INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY It looks like a Levitz showroom. Gladys sits stiffly between Becky and her husband, LESTER - mid-60's, gruff, "old school" salesman, drink in hand. LESTER ...You betcha. S'posed to be colder-n- a witches tit tonight... GLADYS (nervous laugh) Oh, Lester. He loves his weather, y'know. LESTER (looking to crew, O.S.) Hey, ya like it? Open it...Yah-the globe. Pull at the equator there. GLADYS We're not in the showroom, Dear. Banging and fumbling. A CORKSCREW flies into shot - CREW GUY quickly ENTERS SHOT and grabs it. LESTER Fits three full-size booze bottles. The cassette deck pulls outta Afghanistan, there. BECKY (embarrassed) Mommm... GLADYS Lester? LESTER Oh, all right (to camera) How soon they forget where all this comes from. BECKY Japan. LESTER That's enough, young lady. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER GLADYS "Impartial?" Outside this house I'm Gladys Leeman, President, Civil Servettes - impartial as the day is long. But we're inside my home now and I've gotta warn you, I'm wearin' my "wife apron" and "mom hat." So, I can safely say that I'm the mother of the most talented contestant Mount Rose has ever seen. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER Lester's gone from the couch. GLADYS I'll field that one - Rebecca's saving her voice. Becky smiles admiringly at Gladys. GLADYS (cont'd) You-betcha, Rebecca's ready. She's been singin' and dancin' since she was knee high to a pig's eye. Lester returns to the couch, large drink in hand. LESTER Yah-she's damn near as good as that little black fella - with the glass eye. GLADYS Sammy Davis, Jr., honey. LESTER Yeah, yeah, the Jew. BECKY Nice one, Dad. He's dead. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Same scene. BOYS' WRESTLING TEAM - tight singlets - runs laps around gym - between Servettes and camera. GLADYS ...Yah-then, for the "Judges Interview," each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges before the pageant... Gladys is distracted by the HARD, YOUNG bodies. All are. GLADYS Yes, the Judges Interview.. Each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges prior to the pageant. Then we have the... A HUNKY WRESTLER, TONY, waves. GLADYS (cont'd) Hello, Tony. TONY Hey. GLADYS "Hey" to

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Drop Dead Gorgeous Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> DROP DEAD GORGEOUS DROP DEAD GORGEOUS FADE IN: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - MINNESOTA - DAY Vintage black and white stock footage of some farms and farmhouses. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY Color footage of cotton fields passing by. We FREEZE and FADE TO BLACK. TITLE WIPES IN: 1995 MARKED THE FIFTIETH ANNIVERSARY OF THE NATION'S OLDEST BEAUTY CONTEST... THE SARAH ROSE COSMETICS AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS PAGEANT A DOCUMENTARY FILM CREW WAS SENT TO A SMALL TOWN IN MINNESOTA TO COMMEMORATE THIS OCCASSION. INT. PAGEANT AUDITORIUM - MOUNT ROSE - DAY Vintage blue-toned stock footage of a teenage beauty pageant contestant. LEGS WIPE IN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Sarah Rose knows you're a beautiful person.... Blue-toned stock footage of a long row of beauty pageant contestants on stage. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Sarah Rose knows you have an unusual talent. Sarah Rose knows you're a teenage girl. Blue-toned stock footage of the row of contestants parading down some steps from the stage as CAMERA TILTS DOWN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Mmm, and she definitely knows that you are ready for the ultimate teen glamour. ROUSING PATRIOTIC MUSIC. FAST PACED CUTS feature SMILING TEENAGE CONTESTANTS dancing and waving American flags. APPLAUSE! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant. Each contestant wears a BANNER ACROSS her dress reading: AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) And now, a few words... ANGLE ON Contestants DROP, ROLL and form a STAR. CHEERS! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) ...from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. ADAM WEST The American Teen Princess Pageant has been enriching the lives of American- made girls since 1945. TITLES FADE ON SCREEN: Adam West, TV's Batman, then FADE OUT. ADAM WEST (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant provides personal growth, scholarship, travel, and you... Numerous contestants stand up in SHOT and SURROUND ADAM. ADAM WEST (cont'd) ...might even meet a few celebrities. At the national level, thousands of seventeen year-old girls like yourselves. and compete around the country in places like: MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Beautiful Mount Rose, Minnesota. ADAM WEST And make it all the way here to Lincoln, Alabama, to compete for the title of American Teen Princess. LIGHTS come UP on the teenaged girls in the pageant as they pause. As they WAVE AMERICAN FLAGS. Adam West turns back to the camera. ADAM WEST (cont'd) And now, a few words from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. Contestants strike a pose around him. THUNDEROUS CANNED APPLAUSE! ADAM WEST (cont'd) (pointing to camera) So, which one of you will it b-- SCREEN SUDDENLY STATIC. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY SCENE from "DAYS OF OUR LIVES" PULL BACK to reveal the VIDEO is on a TV in front of a GROUP OF SEVENTEEN YEAR-OLD GIRLS, sitting in gym bleachers. [NOTE: The film is shot documentary style. PEOPLE ARE REAL. Their lives revolve around this pageant. All speak with a THICK MINNESOTA ACCENT.] THREE "CIVIL SERVETTES," the local women's group. [Picture unattractive Stepford Wives in matching windbreakers] stand beside GLADYS LEEMAN, 34, president. She STOPS THE VIDEO. GLADYS LEEMAN Good God, Iris, you taped your shows over it. IRIS Sorry. Gladys turns to the GIRLS in the bleachers. SUPER: MOUNT ROSE, MINNESOTA POPULATION: 5,076 GLADYS LEEMAN Now ladies, the rest of the tape - which is now gone forever - goes on about startin' this great American journey we call American Teen Princess...Yah-so, any of you young ladies who'd like to start on that journey, you just come right down here and sign up. And please...help yourselves to some coffee and bars... SMASH EDIT TO: Gladys seated with middle-aged women. GLADYS Showtime. SUPER: GLADYS LEEMAN, LOCAL CHAIRMAN, PAGEANT ORGANIZING COMMITTEE. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you think that most people would say that teenage beauty pageants are a good idea? GLADYS Oh yah-sure, I know what some of your big city, no bra wearin', hairy-legged women's libbers say, "Pageants are old- fashioned" and, uh, and "demeaning" to the girls -- IRIS (jumping in) What's sick is women dressin' like men! Civil Servettes stare at her a beat. GLADYS Uh... You betcha, Iris. (quickly, back to camera) Yah-I think yous boys'll find that things are different here in Mount Rose... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) For one thing, y'know, we're God fearin' folk - every last one of us... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) You won't find a back room in our video store... Servettes AD-LIB "AMEN. YAH-YOU BETCHA." etc. GLADYS (cont'd) (V.O.) ...that filth is better left in the "Sin Cities." IRIS A.k.a. Minneapolis - St. Paul. PULL AWAY from MINNEAPOLIS SKYLINE to COUNTRYSIDE. EXT. QUAINT MAIN STREET The camera drives down the street. EXT. PICTURESQUE MIDDLE-CLASS NEIGHBORHOODS The camera drives down the street. EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE A HAPPY FAMILY raises the AMERICAN FLAG. EXT. SUBURBAN DRIVEWAY BURLY GUYS look up from washing a FORD TRUCK. EXT. TRAILER PARK Sign next to it reads: "Welcome to Mount Rose, Home of Freda Klinghagen, Minnesota's Oldest Living Lutheran" complete with a photo of the extremely old woman smiling and waving. EXT. CREW VAN An ELDERLY COUPLE looks in the passenger window of the van. ELDERLY MAN (MAYOR) Oh, yah-sure, Freda, yah. She was the oldest livin' Lutheran. Now she's dead as a doornail. It's them damn Shriners who ain't taken that Goddamn sign down yet - those lazy sons-a- bitches... I tells kem, I tells kem every goddamn year, "Take the Goddamn Freda sign down, you lazy sons-a-bitches!" SUPER: MAYOR OF MOUNT ROSE INT. GLADYS' VAN - DAY Through the window a family waves to Gladys. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY Two BOYS play basketball in the driveway of their home. EXT. FRONT LAWN - DAY SMALL CHILDREN in bathing suits play on a lawn. A boy shoots his water pistol. INT. LEEMAN STATION WAGON - AFTERNOON Civil Servettes and crew are piled in. Gladys drives. GLADYS ...Today's "To Do" list includes a trip to the Mall of America. We need outfits for the "Physical Fitness" number -- IRIS Nothin' too showy! GLADYS Y'betcha, Iris. We still need a third judge and we need to think of a theme. Servettes react with pleasure. IRIS Gladys -- Gladys! Look out! A CAR SWERVES. GLADYS Oh, my! (waving out window) Hello, Father Donigan! Sidewalks, sidewalks? Iris mimes drinking, "glug, glug." GLADYS (cont'd) Iris, stop! (to camera) It's not his fault. The communal wine just proves too temptin' for some of them. IRIS That's why we Lutherans use grape Koolaid for the blood of Christ. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA In the vast, already full parking lot, we see Gladys Leeman's station wagon searching for a parking spot. IRIS Oh, there's a parking space over there. Oh, no, that's just a compact. Sorry. GLADYS You'd think they'd build the parking lot of America to go with the Mall of America! Gladys pulls into a HANDICAPPED SPOT. Servettes and CAMERA stand outside the car. Iris points at the sign. IRIS It's a two-hundred dollar fine! GLADYS I said I'd move if a cripple came. Let's just run in the store and pick out some outfits. IRIS All right, let's go. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA PARKING LOT Iris and another Servette start to get out of the car. GLADYS Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! I just thought of the theme. Iris and the Servette stop. IRIS Oh! What is it? GLADYS (cont'd) "Proud...to be...an...American." Servettes react with pleasure. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOA PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So what was the theme of the pageant last year? GLADYS Last year? It was, "Buy American." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) And the year before that? GLADYS "U.S.A. is A-okay." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Can you remember the theme of your favorite pageant? GLADYS "Can I? I'm Amer-I-Can!" People ask me where I get this. I don't know, it's...maybe a gift from God or somethin'. INT. MOUNT ROSE HIGH - GYM - DAY PAN DOWN row of EIGHT GIRLS signing up and eating bars. SUPER: LOCAL PAGEANT REGISTRATION, MOUNT ROSE HIGH SCHOOL ANGLE ON LESLIE MILLER - sexy/peppy girl in CHEERLEADING UNIFORM. LESLIE MILLER ...Hi. (giggles) I'm Leslie Miller. I'm signin' up kcause-ah, y'know, I always watch pageants on the TV and my boyfriend thinks I'll win. SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, LESLIE MILLER She makes "gills" on the sides of her head with her hands. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) For my talent, I'm gonna be doing the.. Two FOOTBALL PLAYERS interrupt: PAT, her boyfriend, and BRETT, who smiles and gives a nod to Amber. Pat grabs Leslie and kisses her hard. LESLIE (cont'd) Uh, Pat, I'm trying to tell themabout my...Oh... Hormones take over and they lock lips again. She wraps her legs around him. He feels up her ass. They continue groping as her Washington Monument slips off. CUT TO: Leslie waves and blows kisses while performing a cheerleader chant. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) Hi, Pat! Go, Muskies! Whoo! INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM AMBER ATKINS - naturally pretty blonde, sweet as sugar pie, stares into camera like a deer caught in headlights. AMBER ATKINS (suddenly looking O.C.) Hi, I-I'm Amber Atkins and, um, I'm signin' up k'cause, ah, my two favorite people in the world competed. My mom and Diane Sawyer...Course I hope I end up a little more like Diane Sawyer than my mom... She flashes a GRIN, we melt. INT. FUNERAL HOME/EMBALMING ROOM - DAY Amber tap-dances as she applies make-up to a MALE CORPSE. SUPER: CONTESTANT #1, AMBER ATKINS DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you do any of the, uh, embalming? AMBER (laughing) Oh, my God, no. Oh, God. I just do the hair and makeup on the deceased. EXT. ROAD - DAY Amber tap dances at the side of the road as traffic passes. AMBER (V.O.) I'm lucky I have an after-school job where I can practice my talent. EXT. MOA PARKING LOT - DAY GLADYS Oh, yeah, sure. You know, every pageant is special, but this one is extra-special to me. When I was seventeen, I don't know if you know this, but I was crowned Mount Rose's American Teen Princess. And this year...drum roll please, my lovely daughter, Rebecca Ann Leeman is competin'. INT. HIGH SCHOOL REBECCA LEEMAN stands in front of Amber and addresses the camerman (O.S.). BECKY Is this my mark? (it is) Hi, I'm Rebecca Leeman. And I believe this pageant is an important experience for every young woman. It, well, it teaches you what's really important in life, and it has the power to change you in ways you've never dreamed of. INT. GUN RANGE Becky, in shooting goggles and ear muffs, FIRES a Glock- 17 9mm pistol with both hands. Sign on wall reads: "Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club." (See Iona in b.g. with an arsenal of sniper weaponry.) BECKY (yelling over noise) ...What?! Klinghagen thinks it'll all come down to me and Amber? Becky stops firing and takes off her hear muffs. BECKY (cont'd) Well, you have to take everything Mrs. Klinghagen says with a grain of salt. Not all your Catholics go to communion for the wafers, if you know what I mean... JUMP CUT TO: INT. LUTHERAN SISTERHOOD GUN RANGE - LATER Becky thumbs bullets into her magazine as she talks. BECKY ...Yah-my mom gave me this nine-mil for my thirteenth birthday... SUPER: CONTESTANT #6, BECKY LEEMAN I'll always remember what she wrote in the card. "Jesus loves winners." That's why, no matter what I do... She shoves the magazine back in her pistol. BECKY (cont'd) I aim to win. She smiles to camera, then violently fires off a few rounds. Zoom in on the MALE TARGET: several bullet holes in the head. INT. "NEW YORK, NEW YORK" BEDROOM - DAY It's all NEW YORK MEMORABILIA. Lisa Swenson - big bubbly girl - sits on her bed. LISA Why? Well, uh, it's kind of like askin', "Why do all the guys chew Copenhagen?" You know? I mean, if you're seventeen and you're not a total fry, it's just what you do. ETHEL MERMAN's "Everything's Coming Up Roses" PLAYS over speakers. SUPER: CONTESTANT #7, LISA SWENSON DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Have you decided what your talent is going to be yet? LISA I'm gonna sing and dance to, "New York, New York." See, I fell in love with The Big Apple last summer when I was visitin' my brother. He followed his dream to New York. PICKS UP 8x10's, shows to camera. LISA (cont'd) This is Peter as Liza. This is him as Madonna. Oh, here's me with him as Barbara... INT. "GERMAN SHEPHERD" BEDROOM - DAY TESS WEINHAUS, wearing an "I love German Shepherds" t- shirt. The room is filled with German Shepherd paraphernalia. TESS Uh... I don't know what my talent's gonna be yet... SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, TESS WEINHAUS TESS (cont'd) Kenny. Kenny, come. Come, Kenny. A DACHSHUND enters and jumps on her lap. TESS (cont'd) This is Kenny. Spike, my German Shepherd, went to live with a nice family on a farm after he attacked me. It wasn't his fault. I had beef jerky in my front pocket. (pulling up shirt) They re-made my belly with skin from my butt. DISSOLVE TO: INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY - DAY IONA HILDERBRANDT - librarian, 65+ - stamps books. SUPER: IONA HILDERBRANDT, MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS - 1945 IONA HILDERBRANTDT (smoked for sixty years) I was Mount Rose American Teen Princess in 1945. We were at war with the Japs. ANGLE ON A vintage B&W photograph of 18-year-old IONA HILDERBRANDT, looking surprised with hands on cheeks, is being crowned MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS by TWO SOLDIERS on a GYM STAGE. YOUNG IONA, wearing TIARA, stands with SOLDIERS and WAR OFFICIALS beside a boiling pot of metal. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (V.O.) (cont'd) I didn't even get to keep my damn tiara. Iona's about to drop her tiara into a recycling bin. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (cont'd) Had to turn it in for scrap. DISSOLVE TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM MOLLY HOWARD, a large white girl, sits between a JAPANESE COUPLE, Mr. and Mrs. HOWARD. SUPER: CONTESTANT #5, MOLLY HOWARD MR. HOWARD (heavy accent) ... So we adopt Molly three year ago when we come to America, to help acclimate us to American. MOLLY (smiling) To America, Dad. Mr. Howard laughs. MRS. HOWARD She all-American girl. She our American Teen Princess girl. MOLLY Oh, Mom... The Howard's biological daughter (they renamed her "TINA") ENTERS FRAME. Although she's the picture of beauty, grace, talent and charm, she represents their old life. TINA (in Japanese) Excuse me, Father, Mother, when are we moving back to Tokyo? I can't stand this place anymore. They put butter on everything. MR. HOWARD (turning, suddenly angry) English! English, you stupid little retard! We America now, Tina! TINA (perfect English) I'm sorry, Dad, but with all due respect, my name isn't "Tina," it's Seiko. MR. HOWARD Tina! Tina!! TINA!!! MRS. HOWARD "Robert," settle down. MR. HOWARD (screaming) AHHHHHH! Mr. Howard suddenly grabs his chest. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene. Mr. Howard is gone. TINA Mom, I just finished the third movement of that concerto I was working on. I put, like, this techno beat on this Japanese folk tune - wanna hear it? MR. HOWARD (running down the hall) No! We not like to hear it! Go to your room and shut up! TINA Oh, I almost forgot... (removing envelope from pocket) I got my acceptance to Tokyo University. MR. HOWARD What, you deaf? I say shut up-shut up- SHUT UP! (coming at camera) Cut her outta this! JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene on couch. MR. HOWARD Now Molly, tell movie man what you talent do. MOLLY I'll be line dancin'. MR. HOWARD (giving thumbs up) Country western! MRS. HOWARD Clint Black! Ruff! MR. HOWARD Hey, what he got I not got? They all laugh. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE CLOSE ON Michelle Johanson's face. MICHELLE ... Yah-I'll be performing a dramatic monologue. SUPER: CONTESTANT #2, MICHELLE JOHANSON MICHELLE (cont'd) Right now, I'm thinkin' "Othello" or... "Soylent Green." Lots of girls make a smooth transition from pageants into actin', y'know. SMASH CUT TO: LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) CONNIE, mid-30's, Midwestern attractive, wearing a sash and tiara, stands in front of a BLUE SCREEN of a FOREST. CONNIE Competin' for the title of Minnesota's American Teen Princess sure was excitin'. But, I never coulda won without my... PULL BACK to reveal a table full of PORK PRODUCTS. CONNIE (cont'd) St. Paul Pork Products! LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SCREEN CHANGES to OUTSIDE FACTORY/STOCK YARDS. Connie now wears a coat and hat and acts as if it's chilly. CONNIE (cont'd) I've been enjoyin' St. Paul Pork Products for years. I grew up right next to these stock yards. SCREEN CHANGES to VIDEO of a SLAUGHTER LINE. PIG CARCASSES move on hooks. Connie wears a hard hat and blood stained butcher's apron. CONNIE (cont'd) It's still the same family-run business that Walter and Vera Polarski started in 1920 when they raised and slaughtered their first pig. Connie grabs a HOT DOG from O.C. and takes a bite. CONNIE (cont'd) Mmm-mmmm. I just love St. Paul Pork Products. In fact, I love kem so much LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SLIDE CHANGES to VIDEO of the SAUSAGE LINE. Workers stuff sausages. Connie wears a white jumpsuit and hairnet. CONNIE (cont'd) I work here now! INT. BETZ LIVING ROOM - NIGHT MRS. BETZ, a large woman, holds a tray of bars. CREW MEMBERS REACH IN THE SHOT and help themselves. JANELLE BETZ sits on the couch, SIGNING EVERYTHING she says. JANELLE (slow, due to signing) ...My talent will be an interpretive dance while I sing, "Through the Eyes of Love." I have a dream of spreadin' sign language around the world... Mom? Would you be so kind? SUPER: CONTESTANT #8, JANELLE BETZ JANELLE (cont'd) Yeah. Well, see, uh, I have a dream of spreading sign language around the world. (to Mrs. Betz) Mom, would you be so kind. Mrs. Betz quickly puts down the bars and goes to the piano where she starts "Through the Eyes of Love." Janelle begins to gesticulate and sign words in an overly dramatic performance that looks like a bizarre seizure. SOUND occasionally DIPS OUT as the BOOM OPERATOR reaches for bars. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER TAMMY CURRY - a cute, jock-type. She wears a LETTER JACKET, covered with VARSITY SPORTS PATCHES. TAMMY CURRY Tammy Curry. I'm signin' up for the scholarship'n'all. SMASH CUT TO: INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM She POINTS to VARIOUS PATCHES on her LETTER JACKET. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) ...This one's for Varsity Soccer, uh, I'm captain. (pointing) I run track, and, uh... (points to small gun patch) Right here, I'm the new President of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club... ANGLE ON LSGC PRESIDENT logo patch. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) (O.S.) I love that one. EXT. FARM FIELD Shot from crew van. Sun is setting behind a lovely field of green. A John Deere Thresher travels across the burning red horizon. DOCUMENTARIAN (V.O.) Would you say you have a good chance to win this pageant? SUPER: CONTESTANT #9, TAMMY CURRY TAMMY (V.O.) Yeah, you bet I do. I mean, maybe other people think I can't win a beauty pageant. But other people didn't think I could beat out Becky Leeman for President of the gun club, either. And I did. I-I-It's just like Anthony Robbins says, "I'm a winner. Nobody can stop me but me!" KABLOOM! Tammy's John Deere thresher BLOWS UP! INT. LUTHERAN CHURCH BASEMENT - KITCHEN AREA - NIGHT CLOSE ON framed school photo of Tammy Curry. PULL BACK to see her letter jacket - scorched and torn (Lutheran Gun Club patch is MISSING) - and flowers. CONTINUE PULLING BACK to reveal both are surrounded by buns, bars and coffee on a long buffet table. A line of somber and repressed Lutherans help themselves to the food. Servettes stand at the ready. Gladys and Iris face the camera. GLADYS Well, you know, I think everyone's doing really well considering the fact that she was so young. IRIS It's always hard to see the young ones called home, especially on an exploding thresher. It's just so odd and gross. GLADYS You know that sometimes it's hard to understand God's great plan. IRIS Yeah. Iris pats Gladys on the shoulder. FEMALE MOURNER #1 May I have a tissue? GLADYS But the show must go on. (she faces Iris) I gotta get a hold of Ted and ask him if we can use that barn light as a spot again. So you watch the Jell-o salad, okay? IRIS All right. Okay. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER It's smokey as hell. THREE "FRY" GIRLS and a PREGNANT "FRY" GIRL - all with "shelf bangs" - smoke and drink. FRY GIRL #1 ...Oh, yeah-right. I ain't gonna be in no goddamn pageant! Look what happened to that dork-ass farm girl. PREGNANT FRY GIRL (O.C.) Tammy Curry? FRY GIRL #1 Yah-yah. Everyone says this is a big accident? She got iced because she wins everything, and this time someone didn't want her to win. PREGNANT FRY GIRL This pageant's like a roach motel. FRY GIRL #1 Girls check in, but they don't check out. PREGNANT FRY GIRL Yeah. And they say smokin' is bad for your health. FRY GIRL #1 (raising cigarette into frame) Yeah. EXT. OLD TWO STORY HOUSE - ESTABLISHING - DAY SIGN painted on GARAGE DOOR: "Dance Studio, Downstairs past the Laundry Room." CAMERA moves DOWNSTAIRS to converted basement. LISA SWENSON and two other large "ballerinas" practice at a 2x4/ballet barre. MOZART plays in the b.g. CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN watches and smokes. (Picture Betty Davis in her final days.) CHLORIS And tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. And repeat. Suck in the belly, girls, and tuck in the tushes! SUPER: CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN, CHOREOGRAPHER CHLORIS (cont'd) Close those legs! You look like a bunch of bowlegged cows! Other side. And...tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. CUT TO: Chloris smokes and talks to camera. "Ballerinas" practice. CHLORIS (cont'd) Yeah, you boys sure picked a good year. If I was a betting woman, and there was a line on this in Vegas, I'd lay down ten-to-one that it all comes down to Amber Atkins and Becky Leeman. Oh, sweet Jesus, what a showdown this could be if Cain and Abel... The SOUND RECORDIST enters and Lisa spins out of control, taking him out. She leans over and comforts him. LISA Ow! Oh, God. It's so em-so embarrassing. EST. SHOT - "DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC" - DAY MARY (V.O.) (labored breaths) My winning...the Mount Rose... INT. PATIENT'S ROOM - DAY SMILING ANOREXIC GIRL sits in bed - a TIARA in what's left of her hair and a SASH over her hospital gown. MARY ...American Teen Princess Pageant... SUPER: MARY JOHANSON, REIGNING MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS MARY (cont'd) ...really changed my life. The TIARA SLIPS OFF her BALDING HEAD and rolls to the floor. INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber fixes Mary's hair, carefully brushing her balding head. Mary smiles, oblivious. MARY (labored breaths) ...Amber does my hair...once a week. AMBER (flattered and embarrassed) Well...it's the least I can do for the reigning Mount Rose Junior Miss Amer-- Amber pulls the brush away with a clump of Mary's hair dangling from it. AMBER (cont'd) Oh God... MARY What? AMBER Huh? Oh...Uh, just a little snarl... Amber mouths, "Shhh! Don't tell!" to camera as she tries to pull the clump of hair from the brush. JUMP CUT TO: INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber ties the tiara and missing clump of hair to Mary's head with a ribbon. AMBER There we go. She holds the mirror for Mary. MARY (delusional) Beautiful... Maybe next week... a perm. AMBER Yah... sure... Amber gives a kind but worried smile to camera. Suddenly, Becky Leeman enters with a large box of chocolates. She's fully aware of the cameras from the moment she enters. BECKY Hellooo, Little Mary Sunshine! (pretending to notice camera) What?! Oh-oh my God! Lights! Camera! And me without a stitch of make-up on. What are you guys doin' here? She's in full make-up. AMBER What're you doin' here? BECKY Oh, Amber, like you're the only one who visits Mary. MARY (to Becky) Who are you? BECKY (covering) "Who are you?!" Oh Mary, you kill me. (to camera) She always says that. It's a little game we play. Every week - same dippy little look on her face. "Who are you - who are you?" Just like that. (in Mary's face) It's me - Becky - and I brought your favorites. Becky puts the chocolates on Mary's lap, a few spill. Throughout the following, Mary slowly reaches for them as if they're forbidden fruit and she's a very hungry Eve. AMBER How nice, Becky, she's anorexic. Becky roughly puts her hands over Mary's ears, who's now gently petting the spilled chocolates in her lap. BECKY (sotto, reprimanding tone) She's skinny, not deaf, Amber. EXT. TRAILER - LATE AFTERNOON MONTAGE - Amber taps around the mobile home community, HOME FROM SCHOOL - backpack, Walkman, cool music blaring. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber stands in a room the SIZE OF A CLOSET. Posters, articles and pictures of great tap dancers and Diane Sawyer cover the walls. AMBER ... Dreams? Yah-sure I got kem... Sometimes I dream of winnin'... I dream of gettin' outta Mount Rose and bein' a big time reporter like Diane Sawyer. I mean, guys get outta Mount Rose all the time for hockey scholarships or prison. But the pageant's kinda my only chance. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber points to LARGE PAGEANT PHOTO OF DIANE SAWYER - 1963 AMBER ... Yah-1963. Her beauty worked against her when she started as a reporter in Louisville, her hometown. Those were different times. ANNETTE (O.S.) (yelling, coughing) Hey, Amber, y'get my smokes? AMBER (smiling) That's my mom. (yelling) I'll get kem in a sec. ANNETTE ATKINS, Amber's mom - sexy, but tired - OPENS THE DOOR. ANNETTE (surprised by cameras) Oh shit! AMBER They're from L.A. They wanted to see my room and film me for their movie. ANNETTE (mock-touched, to crew) Oh... How quickly they grow up. (exiting, smiling) Hey, if they ask you to take off your shirt, get the money first. Annette is gone. ANNETTE (cont'd) (O.S.) And go get my smokes! JUMP CUT TO: EST. SHOT - LEEMAN FAMILY HOME - DAY Landscaped grounds surround this lovely two-story. INT. LEEMAN HOME - VARIOUS ROOMS Brief "LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH & FAMOUS" montage of Gladys showing off interiors to the theme from "GONE WITH THE WIND." INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY It looks like a Levitz showroom. Gladys sits stiffly between Becky and her husband, LESTER - mid-60's, gruff, "old school" salesman, drink in hand. LESTER ...You betcha. S'posed to be colder-n- a witches tit tonight... GLADYS (nervous laugh) Oh, Lester. He loves his weather, y'know. LESTER (looking to crew, O.S.) Hey, ya like it? Open it...Yah-the globe. Pull at the equator there. GLADYS We're not in the showroom, Dear. Banging and fumbling. A CORKSCREW flies into shot - CREW GUY quickly ENTERS SHOT and grabs it. LESTER Fits three full-size booze bottles. The cassette deck pulls outta Afghanistan, there. BECKY (embarrassed) Mommm... GLADYS Lester? LESTER Oh, all right (to camera) How soon they forget where all this comes from. BECKY Japan. LESTER That's enough, young lady. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER GLADYS "Impartial?" Outside this house I'm Gladys Leeman, President, Civil Servettes - impartial as the day is long. But we're inside my home now and I've gotta warn you, I'm wearin' my "wife apron" and "mom hat." So, I can safely say that I'm the mother of the most talented contestant Mount Rose has ever seen. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER Lester's gone from the couch. GLADYS I'll field that one - Rebecca's saving her voice. Becky smiles admiringly at Gladys. GLADYS (cont'd) You-betcha, Rebecca's ready. She's been singin' and dancin' since she was knee high to a pig's eye. Lester returns to the couch, large drink in hand. LESTER Yah-she's damn near as good as that little black fella - with the glass eye. GLADYS Sammy Davis, Jr., honey. LESTER Yeah, yeah, the Jew. BECKY Nice one, Dad. He's dead. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Same scene. BOYS' WRESTLING TEAM - tight singlets - runs laps around gym - between Servettes and camera. GLADYS ...Yah-then, for the "Judges Interview," each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges before the pageant... Gladys is distracted by the HARD, YOUNG bodies. All are. GLADYS Yes, the Judges Interview.. Each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges prior to the pageant. Then we have the... A HUNKY WRESTLER, TONY, waves. GLADYS (cont'd) Hello, Tony. TONY Hey. GLADYS "Hey" to

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Drop Dead Gorgeous Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> DROP DEAD GORGEOUS DROP DEAD GORGEOUS FADE IN: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - MINNESOTA - DAY Vintage black and white stock footage of some farms and farmhouses. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY Color footage of cotton fields passing by. We FREEZE and FADE TO BLACK. TITLE WIPES IN: 1995 MARKED THE FIFTIETH ANNIVERSARY OF THE NATION'S OLDEST BEAUTY CONTEST... THE SARAH ROSE COSMETICS AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS PAGEANT A DOCUMENTARY FILM CREW WAS SENT TO A SMALL TOWN IN MINNESOTA TO COMMEMORATE THIS OCCASSION. INT. PAGEANT AUDITORIUM - MOUNT ROSE - DAY Vintage blue-toned stock footage of a teenage beauty pageant contestant. LEGS WIPE IN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Sarah Rose knows you're a beautiful person.... Blue-toned stock footage of a long row of beauty pageant contestants on stage. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Sarah Rose knows you have an unusual talent. Sarah Rose knows you're a teenage girl. Blue-toned stock footage of the row of contestants parading down some steps from the stage as CAMERA TILTS DOWN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Mmm, and she definitely knows that you are ready for the ultimate teen glamour. ROUSING PATRIOTIC MUSIC. FAST PACED CUTS feature SMILING TEENAGE CONTESTANTS dancing and waving American flags. APPLAUSE! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant. Each contestant wears a BANNER ACROSS her dress reading: AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) And now, a few words... ANGLE ON Contestants DROP, ROLL and form a STAR. CHEERS! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) ...from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. ADAM WEST The American Teen Princess Pageant has been enriching the lives of American- made girls since 1945. TITLES FADE ON SCREEN: Adam West, TV's Batman, then FADE OUT. ADAM WEST (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant provides personal growth, scholarship, travel, and you... Numerous contestants stand up in SHOT and SURROUND ADAM. ADAM WEST (cont'd) ...might even meet a few celebrities. At the national level, thousands of seventeen year-old girls like yourselves. and compete around the country in places like: MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Beautiful Mount Rose, Minnesota. ADAM WEST And make it all the way here to Lincoln, Alabama, to compete for the title of American Teen Princess. LIGHTS come UP on the teenaged girls in the pageant as they pause. As they WAVE AMERICAN FLAGS. Adam West turns back to the camera. ADAM WEST (cont'd) And now, a few words from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. Contestants strike a pose around him. THUNDEROUS CANNED APPLAUSE! ADAM WEST (cont'd) (pointing to camera) So, which one of you will it b-- SCREEN SUDDENLY STATIC. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY SCENE from "DAYS OF OUR LIVES" PULL BACK to reveal the VIDEO is on a TV in front of a GROUP OF SEVENTEEN YEAR-OLD GIRLS, sitting in gym bleachers. [NOTE: The film is shot documentary style. PEOPLE ARE REAL. Their lives revolve around this pageant. All speak with a THICK MINNESOTA ACCENT.] THREE "CIVIL SERVETTES," the local women's group. [Picture unattractive Stepford Wives in matching windbreakers] stand beside GLADYS LEEMAN, 34, president. She STOPS THE VIDEO. GLADYS LEEMAN Good God, Iris, you taped your shows over it. IRIS Sorry. Gladys turns to the GIRLS in the bleachers. SUPER: MOUNT ROSE, MINNESOTA POPULATION: 5,076 GLADYS LEEMAN Now ladies, the rest of the tape - which is now gone forever - goes on about startin' this great American journey we call American Teen Princess...Yah-so, any of you young ladies who'd like to start on that journey, you just come right down here and sign up. And please...help yourselves to some coffee and bars... SMASH EDIT TO: Gladys seated with middle-aged women. GLADYS Showtime. SUPER: GLADYS LEEMAN, LOCAL CHAIRMAN, PAGEANT ORGANIZING COMMITTEE. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you think that most people would say that teenage beauty pageants are a good idea? GLADYS Oh yah-sure, I know what some of your big city, no bra wearin', hairy-legged women's libbers say, "Pageants are old- fashioned" and, uh, and "demeaning" to the girls -- IRIS (jumping in) What's sick is women dressin' like men! Civil Servettes stare at her a beat. GLADYS Uh... You betcha, Iris. (quickly, back to camera) Yah-I think yous boys'll find that things are different here in Mount Rose... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) For one thing, y'know, we're God fearin' folk - every last one of us... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) You won't find a back room in our video store... Servettes AD-LIB "AMEN. YAH-YOU BETCHA." etc. GLADYS (cont'd) (V.O.) ...that filth is better left in the "Sin Cities." IRIS A.k.a. Minneapolis - St. Paul. PULL AWAY from MINNEAPOLIS SKYLINE to COUNTRYSIDE. EXT. QUAINT MAIN STREET The camera drives down the street. EXT. PICTURESQUE MIDDLE-CLASS NEIGHBORHOODS The camera drives down the street. EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE A HAPPY FAMILY raises the AMERICAN FLAG. EXT. SUBURBAN DRIVEWAY BURLY GUYS look up from washing a FORD TRUCK. EXT. TRAILER PARK Sign next to it reads: "Welcome to Mount Rose, Home of Freda Klinghagen, Minnesota's Oldest Living Lutheran" complete with a photo of the extremely old woman smiling and waving. EXT. CREW VAN An ELDERLY COUPLE looks in the passenger window of the van. ELDERLY MAN (MAYOR) Oh, yah-sure, Freda, yah. She was the oldest livin' Lutheran. Now she's dead as a doornail. It's them damn Shriners who ain't taken that Goddamn sign down yet - those lazy sons-a- bitches... I tells kem, I tells kem every goddamn year, "Take the Goddamn Freda sign down, you lazy sons-a-bitches!" SUPER: MAYOR OF MOUNT ROSE INT. GLADYS' VAN - DAY Through the window a family waves to Gladys. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY Two BOYS play basketball in the driveway of their home. EXT. FRONT LAWN - DAY SMALL CHILDREN in bathing suits play on a lawn. A boy shoots his water pistol. INT. LEEMAN STATION WAGON - AFTERNOON Civil Servettes and crew are piled in. Gladys drives. GLADYS ...Today's "To Do" list includes a trip to the Mall of America. We need outfits for the "Physical Fitness" number -- IRIS Nothin' too showy! GLADYS Y'betcha, Iris. We still need a third judge and we need to think of a theme. Servettes react with pleasure. IRIS Gladys -- Gladys! Look out! A CAR SWERVES. GLADYS Oh, my! (waving out window) Hello, Father Donigan! Sidewalks, sidewalks? Iris mimes drinking, "glug, glug." GLADYS (cont'd) Iris, stop! (to camera) It's not his fault. The communal wine just proves too temptin' for some of them. IRIS That's why we Lutherans use grape Koolaid for the blood of Christ. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA In the vast, already full parking lot, we see Gladys Leeman's station wagon searching for a parking spot. IRIS Oh, there's a parking space over there. Oh, no, that's just a compact. Sorry. GLADYS You'd think they'd build the parking lot of America to go with the Mall of America! Gladys pulls into a HANDICAPPED SPOT. Servettes and CAMERA stand outside the car. Iris points at the sign. IRIS It's a two-hundred dollar fine! GLADYS I said I'd move if a cripple came. Let's just run in the store and pick out some outfits. IRIS All right, let's go. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA PARKING LOT Iris and another Servette start to get out of the car. GLADYS Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! I just thought of the theme. Iris and the Servette stop. IRIS Oh! What is it? GLADYS (cont'd) "Proud...to be...an...American." Servettes react with pleasure. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOA PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So what was the theme of the pageant last year? GLADYS Last year? It was, "Buy American." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) And the year before that? GLADYS "U.S.A. is A-okay." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Can you remember the theme of your favorite pageant? GLADYS "Can I? I'm Amer-I-Can!" People ask me where I get this. I don't know, it's...maybe a gift from God or somethin'. INT. MOUNT ROSE HIGH - GYM - DAY PAN DOWN row of EIGHT GIRLS signing up and eating bars. SUPER: LOCAL PAGEANT REGISTRATION, MOUNT ROSE HIGH SCHOOL ANGLE ON LESLIE MILLER - sexy/peppy girl in CHEERLEADING UNIFORM. LESLIE MILLER ...Hi. (giggles) I'm Leslie Miller. I'm signin' up kcause-ah, y'know, I always watch pageants on the TV and my boyfriend thinks I'll win. SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, LESLIE MILLER She makes "gills" on the sides of her head with her hands. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) For my talent, I'm gonna be doing the.. Two FOOTBALL PLAYERS interrupt: PAT, her boyfriend, and BRETT, who smiles and gives a nod to Amber. Pat grabs Leslie and kisses her hard. LESLIE (cont'd) Uh, Pat, I'm trying to tell themabout my...Oh... Hormones take over and they lock lips again. She wraps her legs around him. He feels up her ass. They continue groping as her Washington Monument slips off. CUT TO: Leslie waves and blows kisses while performing a cheerleader chant. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) Hi, Pat! Go, Muskies! Whoo! INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM AMBER ATKINS - naturally pretty blonde, sweet as sugar pie, stares into camera like a deer caught in headlights. AMBER ATKINS (suddenly looking O.C.) Hi, I-I'm Amber Atkins and, um, I'm signin' up k'cause, ah, my two favorite people in the world competed. My mom and Diane Sawyer...Course I hope I end up a little more like Diane Sawyer than my mom... She flashes a GRIN, we melt. INT. FUNERAL HOME/EMBALMING ROOM - DAY Amber tap-dances as she applies make-up to a MALE CORPSE. SUPER: CONTESTANT #1, AMBER ATKINS DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you do any of the, uh, embalming? AMBER (laughing) Oh, my God, no. Oh, God. I just do the hair and makeup on the deceased. EXT. ROAD - DAY Amber tap dances at the side of the road as traffic passes. AMBER (V.O.) I'm lucky I have an after-school job where I can practice my talent. EXT. MOA PARKING LOT - DAY GLADYS Oh, yeah, sure. You know, every pageant is special, but this one is extra-special to me. When I was seventeen, I don't know if you know this, but I was crowned Mount Rose's American Teen Princess. And this year...drum roll please, my lovely daughter, Rebecca Ann Leeman is competin'. INT. HIGH SCHOOL REBECCA LEEMAN stands in front of Amber and addresses the camerman (O.S.). BECKY Is this my mark? (it is) Hi, I'm Rebecca Leeman. And I believe this pageant is an important experience for every young woman. It, well, it teaches you what's really important in life, and it has the power to change you in ways you've never dreamed of. INT. GUN RANGE Becky, in shooting goggles and ear muffs, FIRES a Glock- 17 9mm pistol with both hands. Sign on wall reads: "Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club." (See Iona in b.g. with an arsenal of sniper weaponry.) BECKY (yelling over noise) ...What?! Klinghagen thinks it'll all come down to me and Amber? Becky stops firing and takes off her hear muffs. BECKY (cont'd) Well, you have to take everything Mrs. Klinghagen says with a grain of salt. Not all your Catholics go to communion for the wafers, if you know what I mean... JUMP CUT TO: INT. LUTHERAN SISTERHOOD GUN RANGE - LATER Becky thumbs bullets into her magazine as she talks. BECKY ...Yah-my mom gave me this nine-mil for my thirteenth birthday... SUPER: CONTESTANT #6, BECKY LEEMAN I'll always remember what she wrote in the card. "Jesus loves winners." That's why, no matter what I do... She shoves the magazine back in her pistol. BECKY (cont'd) I aim to win. She smiles to camera, then violently fires off a few rounds. Zoom in on the MALE TARGET: several bullet holes in the head. INT. "NEW YORK, NEW YORK" BEDROOM - DAY It's all NEW YORK MEMORABILIA. Lisa Swenson - big bubbly girl - sits on her bed. LISA Why? Well, uh, it's kind of like askin', "Why do all the guys chew Copenhagen?" You know? I mean, if you're seventeen and you're not a total fry, it's just what you do. ETHEL MERMAN's "Everything's Coming Up Roses" PLAYS over speakers. SUPER: CONTESTANT #7, LISA SWENSON DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Have you decided what your talent is going to be yet? LISA I'm gonna sing and dance to, "New York, New York." See, I fell in love with The Big Apple last summer when I was visitin' my brother. He followed his dream to New York. PICKS UP 8x10's, shows to camera. LISA (cont'd) This is Peter as Liza. This is him as Madonna. Oh, here's me with him as Barbara... INT. "GERMAN SHEPHERD" BEDROOM - DAY TESS WEINHAUS, wearing an "I love German Shepherds" t- shirt. The room is filled with German Shepherd paraphernalia. TESS Uh... I don't know what my talent's gonna be yet... SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, TESS WEINHAUS TESS (cont'd) Kenny. Kenny, come. Come, Kenny. A DACHSHUND enters and jumps on her lap. TESS (cont'd) This is Kenny. Spike, my German Shepherd, went to live with a nice family on a farm after he attacked me. It wasn't his fault. I had beef jerky in my front pocket. (pulling up shirt) They re-made my belly with skin from my butt. DISSOLVE TO: INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY - DAY IONA HILDERBRANDT - librarian, 65+ - stamps books. SUPER: IONA HILDERBRANDT, MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS - 1945 IONA HILDERBRANTDT (smoked for sixty years) I was Mount Rose American Teen Princess in 1945. We were at war with the Japs. ANGLE ON A vintage B&W photograph of 18-year-old IONA HILDERBRANDT, looking surprised with hands on cheeks, is being crowned MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS by TWO SOLDIERS on a GYM STAGE. YOUNG IONA, wearing TIARA, stands with SOLDIERS and WAR OFFICIALS beside a boiling pot of metal. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (V.O.) (cont'd) I didn't even get to keep my damn tiara. Iona's about to drop her tiara into a recycling bin. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (cont'd) Had to turn it in for scrap. DISSOLVE TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM MOLLY HOWARD, a large white girl, sits between a JAPANESE COUPLE, Mr. and Mrs. HOWARD. SUPER: CONTESTANT #5, MOLLY HOWARD MR. HOWARD (heavy accent) ... So we adopt Molly three year ago when we come to America, to help acclimate us to American. MOLLY (smiling) To America, Dad. Mr. Howard laughs. MRS. HOWARD She all-American girl. She our American Teen Princess girl. MOLLY Oh, Mom... The Howard's biological daughter (they renamed her "TINA") ENTERS FRAME. Although she's the picture of beauty, grace, talent and charm, she represents their old life. TINA (in Japanese) Excuse me, Father, Mother, when are we moving back to Tokyo? I can't stand this place anymore. They put butter on everything. MR. HOWARD (turning, suddenly angry) English! English, you stupid little retard! We America now, Tina! TINA (perfect English) I'm sorry, Dad, but with all due respect, my name isn't "Tina," it's Seiko. MR. HOWARD Tina! Tina!! TINA!!! MRS. HOWARD "Robert," settle down. MR. HOWARD (screaming) AHHHHHH! Mr. Howard suddenly grabs his chest. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene. Mr. Howard is gone. TINA Mom, I just finished the third movement of that concerto I was working on. I put, like, this techno beat on this Japanese folk tune - wanna hear it? MR. HOWARD (running down the hall) No! We not like to hear it! Go to your room and shut up! TINA Oh, I almost forgot... (removing envelope from pocket) I got my acceptance to Tokyo University. MR. HOWARD What, you deaf? I say shut up-shut up- SHUT UP! (coming at camera) Cut her outta this! JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene on couch. MR. HOWARD Now Molly, tell movie man what you talent do. MOLLY I'll be line dancin'. MR. HOWARD (giving thumbs up) Country western! MRS. HOWARD Clint Black! Ruff! MR. HOWARD Hey, what he got I not got? They all laugh. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE CLOSE ON Michelle Johanson's face. MICHELLE ... Yah-I'll be performing a dramatic monologue. SUPER: CONTESTANT #2, MICHELLE JOHANSON MICHELLE (cont'd) Right now, I'm thinkin' "Othello" or... "Soylent Green." Lots of girls make a smooth transition from pageants into actin', y'know. SMASH CUT TO: LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) CONNIE, mid-30's, Midwestern attractive, wearing a sash and tiara, stands in front of a BLUE SCREEN of a FOREST. CONNIE Competin' for the title of Minnesota's American Teen Princess sure was excitin'. But, I never coulda won without my... PULL BACK to reveal a table full of PORK PRODUCTS. CONNIE (cont'd) St. Paul Pork Products! LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SCREEN CHANGES to OUTSIDE FACTORY/STOCK YARDS. Connie now wears a coat and hat and acts as if it's chilly. CONNIE (cont'd) I've been enjoyin' St. Paul Pork Products for years. I grew up right next to these stock yards. SCREEN CHANGES to VIDEO of a SLAUGHTER LINE. PIG CARCASSES move on hooks. Connie wears a hard hat and blood stained butcher's apron. CONNIE (cont'd) It's still the same family-run business that Walter and Vera Polarski started in 1920 when they raised and slaughtered their first pig. Connie grabs a HOT DOG from O.C. and takes a bite. CONNIE (cont'd) Mmm-mmmm. I just love St. Paul Pork Products. In fact, I love kem so much LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SLIDE CHANGES to VIDEO of the SAUSAGE LINE. Workers stuff sausages. Connie wears a white jumpsuit and hairnet. CONNIE (cont'd) I work here now! INT. BETZ LIVING ROOM - NIGHT MRS. BETZ, a large woman, holds a tray of bars. CREW MEMBERS REACH IN THE SHOT and help themselves. JANELLE BETZ sits on the couch, SIGNING EVERYTHING she says. JANELLE (slow, due to signing) ...My talent will be an interpretive dance while I sing, "Through the Eyes of Love." I have a dream of spreadin' sign language around the world... Mom? Would you be so kind? SUPER: CONTESTANT #8, JANELLE BETZ JANELLE (cont'd) Yeah. Well, see, uh, I have a dream of spreading sign language around the world. (to Mrs. Betz) Mom, would you be so kind. Mrs. Betz quickly puts down the bars and goes to the piano where she starts "Through the Eyes of Love." Janelle begins to gesticulate and sign words in an overly dramatic performance that looks like a bizarre seizure. SOUND occasionally DIPS OUT as the BOOM OPERATOR reaches for bars. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER TAMMY CURRY - a cute, jock-type. She wears a LETTER JACKET, covered with VARSITY SPORTS PATCHES. TAMMY CURRY Tammy Curry. I'm signin' up for the scholarship'n'all. SMASH CUT TO: INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM She POINTS to VARIOUS PATCHES on her LETTER JACKET. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) ...This one's for Varsity Soccer, uh, I'm captain. (pointing) I run track, and, uh... (points to small gun patch) Right here, I'm the new President of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club... ANGLE ON LSGC PRESIDENT logo patch. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) (O.S.) I love that one. EXT. FARM FIELD Shot from crew van. Sun is setting behind a lovely field of green. A John Deere Thresher travels across the burning red horizon. DOCUMENTARIAN (V.O.) Would you say you have a good chance to win this pageant? SUPER: CONTESTANT #9, TAMMY CURRY TAMMY (V.O.) Yeah, you bet I do. I mean, maybe other people think I can't win a beauty pageant. But other people didn't think I could beat out Becky Leeman for President of the gun club, either. And I did. I-I-It's just like Anthony Robbins says, "I'm a winner. Nobody can stop me but me!" KABLOOM! Tammy's John Deere thresher BLOWS UP! INT. LUTHERAN CHURCH BASEMENT - KITCHEN AREA - NIGHT CLOSE ON framed school photo of Tammy Curry. PULL BACK to see her letter jacket - scorched and torn (Lutheran Gun Club patch is MISSING) - and flowers. CONTINUE PULLING BACK to reveal both are surrounded by buns, bars and coffee on a long buffet table. A line of somber and repressed Lutherans help themselves to the food. Servettes stand at the ready. Gladys and Iris face the camera. GLADYS Well, you know, I think everyone's doing really well considering the fact that she was so young. IRIS It's always hard to see the young ones called home, especially on an exploding thresher. It's just so odd and gross. GLADYS You know that sometimes it's hard to understand God's great plan. IRIS Yeah. Iris pats Gladys on the shoulder. FEMALE MOURNER #1 May I have a tissue? GLADYS But the show must go on. (she faces Iris) I gotta get a hold of Ted and ask him if we can use that barn light as a spot again. So you watch the Jell-o salad, okay? IRIS All right. Okay. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER It's smokey as hell. THREE "FRY" GIRLS and a PREGNANT "FRY" GIRL - all with "shelf bangs" - smoke and drink. FRY GIRL #1 ...Oh, yeah-right. I ain't gonna be in no goddamn pageant! Look what happened to that dork-ass farm girl. PREGNANT FRY GIRL (O.C.) Tammy Curry? FRY GIRL #1 Yah-yah. Everyone says this is a big accident? She got iced because she wins everything, and this time someone didn't want her to win. PREGNANT FRY GIRL This pageant's like a roach motel. FRY GIRL #1 Girls check in, but they don't check out. PREGNANT FRY GIRL Yeah. And they say smokin' is bad for your health. FRY GIRL #1 (raising cigarette into frame) Yeah. EXT. OLD TWO STORY HOUSE - ESTABLISHING - DAY SIGN painted on GARAGE DOOR: "Dance Studio, Downstairs past the Laundry Room." CAMERA moves DOWNSTAIRS to converted basement. LISA SWENSON and two other large "ballerinas" practice at a 2x4/ballet barre. MOZART plays in the b.g. CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN watches and smokes. (Picture Betty Davis in her final days.) CHLORIS And tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. And repeat. Suck in the belly, girls, and tuck in the tushes! SUPER: CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN, CHOREOGRAPHER CHLORIS (cont'd) Close those legs! You look like a bunch of bowlegged cows! Other side. And...tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. CUT TO: Chloris smokes and talks to camera. "Ballerinas" practice. CHLORIS (cont'd) Yeah, you boys sure picked a good year. If I was a betting woman, and there was a line on this in Vegas, I'd lay down ten-to-one that it all comes down to Amber Atkins and Becky Leeman. Oh, sweet Jesus, what a showdown this could be if Cain and Abel... The SOUND RECORDIST enters and Lisa spins out of control, taking him out. She leans over and comforts him. LISA Ow! Oh, God. It's so em-so embarrassing. EST. SHOT - "DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC" - DAY MARY (V.O.) (labored breaths) My winning...the Mount Rose... INT. PATIENT'S ROOM - DAY SMILING ANOREXIC GIRL sits in bed - a TIARA in what's left of her hair and a SASH over her hospital gown. MARY ...American Teen Princess Pageant... SUPER: MARY JOHANSON, REIGNING MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS MARY (cont'd) ...really changed my life. The TIARA SLIPS OFF her BALDING HEAD and rolls to the floor. INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber fixes Mary's hair, carefully brushing her balding head. Mary smiles, oblivious. MARY (labored breaths) ...Amber does my hair...once a week. AMBER (flattered and embarrassed) Well...it's the least I can do for the reigning Mount Rose Junior Miss Amer-- Amber pulls the brush away with a clump of Mary's hair dangling from it. AMBER (cont'd) Oh God... MARY What? AMBER Huh? Oh...Uh, just a little snarl... Amber mouths, "Shhh! Don't tell!" to camera as she tries to pull the clump of hair from the brush. JUMP CUT TO: INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber ties the tiara and missing clump of hair to Mary's head with a ribbon. AMBER There we go. She holds the mirror for Mary. MARY (delusional) Beautiful... Maybe next week... a perm. AMBER Yah... sure... Amber gives a kind but worried smile to camera. Suddenly, Becky Leeman enters with a large box of chocolates. She's fully aware of the cameras from the moment she enters. BECKY Hellooo, Little Mary Sunshine! (pretending to notice camera) What?! Oh-oh my God! Lights! Camera! And me without a stitch of make-up on. What are you guys doin' here? She's in full make-up. AMBER What're you doin' here? BECKY Oh, Amber, like you're the only one who visits Mary. MARY (to Becky) Who are you? BECKY (covering) "Who are you?!" Oh Mary, you kill me. (to camera) She always says that. It's a little game we play. Every week - same dippy little look on her face. "Who are you - who are you?" Just like that. (in Mary's face) It's me - Becky - and I brought your favorites. Becky puts the chocolates on Mary's lap, a few spill. Throughout the following, Mary slowly reaches for them as if they're forbidden fruit and she's a very hungry Eve. AMBER How nice, Becky, she's anorexic. Becky roughly puts her hands over Mary's ears, who's now gently petting the spilled chocolates in her lap. BECKY (sotto, reprimanding tone) She's skinny, not deaf, Amber. EXT. TRAILER - LATE AFTERNOON MONTAGE - Amber taps around the mobile home community, HOME FROM SCHOOL - backpack, Walkman, cool music blaring. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber stands in a room the SIZE OF A CLOSET. Posters, articles and pictures of great tap dancers and Diane Sawyer cover the walls. AMBER ... Dreams? Yah-sure I got kem... Sometimes I dream of winnin'... I dream of gettin' outta Mount Rose and bein' a big time reporter like Diane Sawyer. I mean, guys get outta Mount Rose all the time for hockey scholarships or prison. But the pageant's kinda my only chance. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber points to LARGE PAGEANT PHOTO OF DIANE SAWYER - 1963 AMBER ... Yah-1963. Her beauty worked against her when she started as a reporter in Louisville, her hometown. Those were different times. ANNETTE (O.S.) (yelling, coughing) Hey, Amber, y'get my smokes? AMBER (smiling) That's my mom. (yelling) I'll get kem in a sec. ANNETTE ATKINS, Amber's mom - sexy, but tired - OPENS THE DOOR. ANNETTE (surprised by cameras) Oh shit! AMBER They're from L.A. They wanted to see my room and film me for their movie. ANNETTE (mock-touched, to crew) Oh... How quickly they grow up. (exiting, smiling) Hey, if they ask you to take off your shirt, get the money first. Annette is gone. ANNETTE (cont'd) (O.S.) And go get my smokes! JUMP CUT TO: EST. SHOT - LEEMAN FAMILY HOME - DAY Landscaped grounds surround this lovely two-story. INT. LEEMAN HOME - VARIOUS ROOMS Brief "LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH & FAMOUS" montage of Gladys showing off interiors to the theme from "GONE WITH THE WIND." INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY It looks like a Levitz showroom. Gladys sits stiffly between Becky and her husband, LESTER - mid-60's, gruff, "old school" salesman, drink in hand. LESTER ...You betcha. S'posed to be colder-n- a witches tit tonight... GLADYS (nervous laugh) Oh, Lester. He loves his weather, y'know. LESTER (looking to crew, O.S.) Hey, ya like it? Open it...Yah-the globe. Pull at the equator there. GLADYS We're not in the showroom, Dear. Banging and fumbling. A CORKSCREW flies into shot - CREW GUY quickly ENTERS SHOT and grabs it. LESTER Fits three full-size booze bottles. The cassette deck pulls outta Afghanistan, there. BECKY (embarrassed) Mommm... GLADYS Lester? LESTER Oh, all right (to camera) How soon they forget where all this comes from. BECKY Japan. LESTER That's enough, young lady. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER GLADYS "Impartial?" Outside this house I'm Gladys Leeman, President, Civil Servettes - impartial as the day is long. But we're inside my home now and I've gotta warn you, I'm wearin' my "wife apron" and "mom hat." So, I can safely say that I'm the mother of the most talented contestant Mount Rose has ever seen. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER Lester's gone from the couch. GLADYS I'll field that one - Rebecca's saving her voice. Becky smiles admiringly at Gladys. GLADYS (cont'd) You-betcha, Rebecca's ready. She's been singin' and dancin' since she was knee high to a pig's eye. Lester returns to the couch, large drink in hand. LESTER Yah-she's damn near as good as that little black fella - with the glass eye. GLADYS Sammy Davis, Jr., honey. LESTER Yeah, yeah, the Jew. BECKY Nice one, Dad. He's dead. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Same scene. BOYS' WRESTLING TEAM - tight singlets - runs laps around gym - between Servettes and camera. GLADYS ...Yah-then, for the "Judges Interview," each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges before the pageant... Gladys is distracted by the HARD, YOUNG bodies. All are. GLADYS Yes, the Judges Interview.. Each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges prior to the pageant. Then we have the... A HUNKY WRESTLER, TONY, waves. GLADYS (cont'd) Hello, Tony. TONY Hey. GLADYS "Hey" to

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Drop Dead Gorgeous Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> DROP DEAD GORGEOUS DROP DEAD GORGEOUS FADE IN: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - MINNESOTA - DAY Vintage black and white stock footage of some farms and farmhouses. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY Color footage of cotton fields passing by. We FREEZE and FADE TO BLACK. TITLE WIPES IN: 1995 MARKED THE FIFTIETH ANNIVERSARY OF THE NATION'S OLDEST BEAUTY CONTEST... THE SARAH ROSE COSMETICS AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS PAGEANT A DOCUMENTARY FILM CREW WAS SENT TO A SMALL TOWN IN MINNESOTA TO COMMEMORATE THIS OCCASSION. INT. PAGEANT AUDITORIUM - MOUNT ROSE - DAY Vintage blue-toned stock footage of a teenage beauty pageant contestant. LEGS WIPE IN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Sarah Rose knows you're a beautiful person.... Blue-toned stock footage of a long row of beauty pageant contestants on stage. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Sarah Rose knows you have an unusual talent. Sarah Rose knows you're a teenage girl. Blue-toned stock footage of the row of contestants parading down some steps from the stage as CAMERA TILTS DOWN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Mmm, and she definitely knows that you are ready for the ultimate teen glamour. ROUSING PATRIOTIC MUSIC. FAST PACED CUTS feature SMILING TEENAGE CONTESTANTS dancing and waving American flags. APPLAUSE! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant. Each contestant wears a BANNER ACROSS her dress reading: AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) And now, a few words... ANGLE ON Contestants DROP, ROLL and form a STAR. CHEERS! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) ...from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. ADAM WEST The American Teen Princess Pageant has been enriching the lives of American- made girls since 1945. TITLES FADE ON SCREEN: Adam West, TV's Batman, then FADE OUT. ADAM WEST (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant provides personal growth, scholarship, travel, and you... Numerous contestants stand up in SHOT and SURROUND ADAM. ADAM WEST (cont'd) ...might even meet a few celebrities. At the national level, thousands of seventeen year-old girls like yourselves. and compete around the country in places like: MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Beautiful Mount Rose, Minnesota. ADAM WEST And make it all the way here to Lincoln, Alabama, to compete for the title of American Teen Princess. LIGHTS come UP on the teenaged girls in the pageant as they pause. As they WAVE AMERICAN FLAGS. Adam West turns back to the camera. ADAM WEST (cont'd) And now, a few words from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. Contestants strike a pose around him. THUNDEROUS CANNED APPLAUSE! ADAM WEST (cont'd) (pointing to camera) So, which one of you will it b-- SCREEN SUDDENLY STATIC. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY SCENE from "DAYS OF OUR LIVES" PULL BACK to reveal the VIDEO is on a TV in front of a GROUP OF SEVENTEEN YEAR-OLD GIRLS, sitting in gym bleachers. [NOTE: The film is shot documentary style. PEOPLE ARE REAL. Their lives revolve around this pageant. All speak with a THICK MINNESOTA ACCENT.] THREE "CIVIL SERVETTES," the local women's group. [Picture unattractive Stepford Wives in matching windbreakers] stand beside GLADYS LEEMAN, 34, president. She STOPS THE VIDEO. GLADYS LEEMAN Good God, Iris, you taped your shows over it. IRIS Sorry. Gladys turns to the GIRLS in the bleachers. SUPER: MOUNT ROSE, MINNESOTA POPULATION: 5,076 GLADYS LEEMAN Now ladies, the rest of the tape - which is now gone forever - goes on about startin' this great American journey we call American Teen Princess...Yah-so, any of you young ladies who'd like to start on that journey, you just come right down here and sign up. And please...help yourselves to some coffee and bars... SMASH EDIT TO: Gladys seated with middle-aged women. GLADYS Showtime. SUPER: GLADYS LEEMAN, LOCAL CHAIRMAN, PAGEANT ORGANIZING COMMITTEE. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you think that most people would say that teenage beauty pageants are a good idea? GLADYS Oh yah-sure, I know what some of your big city, no bra wearin', hairy-legged women's libbers say, "Pageants are old- fashioned" and, uh, and "demeaning" to the girls -- IRIS (jumping in) What's sick is women dressin' like men! Civil Servettes stare at her a beat. GLADYS Uh... You betcha, Iris. (quickly, back to camera) Yah-I think yous boys'll find that things are different here in Mount Rose... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) For one thing, y'know, we're God fearin' folk - every last one of us... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) You won't find a back room in our video store... Servettes AD-LIB "AMEN. YAH-YOU BETCHA." etc. GLADYS (cont'd) (V.O.) ...that filth is better left in the "Sin Cities." IRIS A.k.a. Minneapolis - St. Paul. PULL AWAY from MINNEAPOLIS SKYLINE to COUNTRYSIDE. EXT. QUAINT MAIN STREET The camera drives down the street. EXT. PICTURESQUE MIDDLE-CLASS NEIGHBORHOODS The camera drives down the street. EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE A HAPPY FAMILY raises the AMERICAN FLAG. EXT. SUBURBAN DRIVEWAY BURLY GUYS look up from washing a FORD TRUCK. EXT. TRAILER PARK Sign next to it reads: "Welcome to Mount Rose, Home of Freda Klinghagen, Minnesota's Oldest Living Lutheran" complete with a photo of the extremely old woman smiling and waving. EXT. CREW VAN An ELDERLY COUPLE looks in the passenger window of the van. ELDERLY MAN (MAYOR) Oh, yah-sure, Freda, yah. She was the oldest livin' Lutheran. Now she's dead as a doornail. It's them damn Shriners who ain't taken that Goddamn sign down yet - those lazy sons-a- bitches... I tells kem, I tells kem every goddamn year, "Take the Goddamn Freda sign down, you lazy sons-a-bitches!" SUPER: MAYOR OF MOUNT ROSE INT. GLADYS' VAN - DAY Through the window a family waves to Gladys. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY Two BOYS play basketball in the driveway of their home. EXT. FRONT LAWN - DAY SMALL CHILDREN in bathing suits play on a lawn. A boy shoots his water pistol. INT. LEEMAN STATION WAGON - AFTERNOON Civil Servettes and crew are piled in. Gladys drives. GLADYS ...Today's "To Do" list includes a trip to the Mall of America. We need outfits for the "Physical Fitness" number -- IRIS Nothin' too showy! GLADYS Y'betcha, Iris. We still need a third judge and we need to think of a theme. Servettes react with pleasure. IRIS Gladys -- Gladys! Look out! A CAR SWERVES. GLADYS Oh, my! (waving out window) Hello, Father Donigan! Sidewalks, sidewalks? Iris mimes drinking, "glug, glug." GLADYS (cont'd) Iris, stop! (to camera) It's not his fault. The communal wine just proves too temptin' for some of them. IRIS That's why we Lutherans use grape Koolaid for the blood of Christ. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA In the vast, already full parking lot, we see Gladys Leeman's station wagon searching for a parking spot. IRIS Oh, there's a parking space over there. Oh, no, that's just a compact. Sorry. GLADYS You'd think they'd build the parking lot of America to go with the Mall of America! Gladys pulls into a HANDICAPPED SPOT. Servettes and CAMERA stand outside the car. Iris points at the sign. IRIS It's a two-hundred dollar fine! GLADYS I said I'd move if a cripple came. Let's just run in the store and pick out some outfits. IRIS All right, let's go. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA PARKING LOT Iris and another Servette start to get out of the car. GLADYS Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! I just thought of the theme. Iris and the Servette stop. IRIS Oh! What is it? GLADYS (cont'd) "Proud...to be...an...American." Servettes react with pleasure. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOA PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So what was the theme of the pageant last year? GLADYS Last year? It was, "Buy American." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) And the year before that? GLADYS "U.S.A. is A-okay." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Can you remember the theme of your favorite pageant? GLADYS "Can I? I'm Amer-I-Can!" People ask me where I get this. I don't know, it's...maybe a gift from God or somethin'. INT. MOUNT ROSE HIGH - GYM - DAY PAN DOWN row of EIGHT GIRLS signing up and eating bars. SUPER: LOCAL PAGEANT REGISTRATION, MOUNT ROSE HIGH SCHOOL ANGLE ON LESLIE MILLER - sexy/peppy girl in CHEERLEADING UNIFORM. LESLIE MILLER ...Hi. (giggles) I'm Leslie Miller. I'm signin' up kcause-ah, y'know, I always watch pageants on the TV and my boyfriend thinks I'll win. SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, LESLIE MILLER She makes "gills" on the sides of her head with her hands. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) For my talent, I'm gonna be doing the.. Two FOOTBALL PLAYERS interrupt: PAT, her boyfriend, and BRETT, who smiles and gives a nod to Amber. Pat grabs Leslie and kisses her hard. LESLIE (cont'd) Uh, Pat, I'm trying to tell themabout my...Oh... Hormones take over and they lock lips again. She wraps her legs around him. He feels up her ass. They continue groping as her Washington Monument slips off. CUT TO: Leslie waves and blows kisses while performing a cheerleader chant. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) Hi, Pat! Go, Muskies! Whoo! INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM AMBER ATKINS - naturally pretty blonde, sweet as sugar pie, stares into camera like a deer caught in headlights. AMBER ATKINS (suddenly looking O.C.) Hi, I-I'm Amber Atkins and, um, I'm signin' up k'cause, ah, my two favorite people in the world competed. My mom and Diane Sawyer...Course I hope I end up a little more like Diane Sawyer than my mom... She flashes a GRIN, we melt. INT. FUNERAL HOME/EMBALMING ROOM - DAY Amber tap-dances as she applies make-up to a MALE CORPSE. SUPER: CONTESTANT #1, AMBER ATKINS DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you do any of the, uh, embalming? AMBER (laughing) Oh, my God, no. Oh, God. I just do the hair and makeup on the deceased. EXT. ROAD - DAY Amber tap dances at the side of the road as traffic passes. AMBER (V.O.) I'm lucky I have an after-school job where I can practice my talent. EXT. MOA PARKING LOT - DAY GLADYS Oh, yeah, sure. You know, every pageant is special, but this one is extra-special to me. When I was seventeen, I don't know if you know this, but I was crowned Mount Rose's American Teen Princess. And this year...drum roll please, my lovely daughter, Rebecca Ann Leeman is competin'. INT. HIGH SCHOOL REBECCA LEEMAN stands in front of Amber and addresses the camerman (O.S.). BECKY Is this my mark? (it is) Hi, I'm Rebecca Leeman. And I believe this pageant is an important experience for every young woman. It, well, it teaches you what's really important in life, and it has the power to change you in ways you've never dreamed of. INT. GUN RANGE Becky, in shooting goggles and ear muffs, FIRES a Glock- 17 9mm pistol with both hands. Sign on wall reads: "Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club." (See Iona in b.g. with an arsenal of sniper weaponry.) BECKY (yelling over noise) ...What?! Klinghagen thinks it'll all come down to me and Amber? Becky stops firing and takes off her hear muffs. BECKY (cont'd) Well, you have to take everything Mrs. Klinghagen says with a grain of salt. Not all your Catholics go to communion for the wafers, if you know what I mean... JUMP CUT TO: INT. LUTHERAN SISTERHOOD GUN RANGE - LATER Becky thumbs bullets into her magazine as she talks. BECKY ...Yah-my mom gave me this nine-mil for my thirteenth birthday... SUPER: CONTESTANT #6, BECKY LEEMAN I'll always remember what she wrote in the card. "Jesus loves winners." That's why, no matter what I do... She shoves the magazine back in her pistol. BECKY (cont'd) I aim to win. She smiles to camera, then violently fires off a few rounds. Zoom in on the MALE TARGET: several bullet holes in the head. INT. "NEW YORK, NEW YORK" BEDROOM - DAY It's all NEW YORK MEMORABILIA. Lisa Swenson - big bubbly girl - sits on her bed. LISA Why? Well, uh, it's kind of like askin', "Why do all the guys chew Copenhagen?" You know? I mean, if you're seventeen and you're not a total fry, it's just what you do. ETHEL MERMAN's "Everything's Coming Up Roses" PLAYS over speakers. SUPER: CONTESTANT #7, LISA SWENSON DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Have you decided what your talent is going to be yet? LISA I'm gonna sing and dance to, "New York, New York." See, I fell in love with The Big Apple last summer when I was visitin' my brother. He followed his dream to New York. PICKS UP 8x10's, shows to camera. LISA (cont'd) This is Peter as Liza. This is him as Madonna. Oh, here's me with him as Barbara... INT. "GERMAN SHEPHERD" BEDROOM - DAY TESS WEINHAUS, wearing an "I love German Shepherds" t- shirt. The room is filled with German Shepherd paraphernalia. TESS Uh... I don't know what my talent's gonna be yet... SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, TESS WEINHAUS TESS (cont'd) Kenny. Kenny, come. Come, Kenny. A DACHSHUND enters and jumps on her lap. TESS (cont'd) This is Kenny. Spike, my German Shepherd, went to live with a nice family on a farm after he attacked me. It wasn't his fault. I had beef jerky in my front pocket. (pulling up shirt) They re-made my belly with skin from my butt. DISSOLVE TO: INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY - DAY IONA HILDERBRANDT - librarian, 65+ - stamps books. SUPER: IONA HILDERBRANDT, MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS - 1945 IONA HILDERBRANTDT (smoked for sixty years) I was Mount Rose American Teen Princess in 1945. We were at war with the Japs. ANGLE ON A vintage B&W photograph of 18-year-old IONA HILDERBRANDT, looking surprised with hands on cheeks, is being crowned MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS by TWO SOLDIERS on a GYM STAGE. YOUNG IONA, wearing TIARA, stands with SOLDIERS and WAR OFFICIALS beside a boiling pot of metal. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (V.O.) (cont'd) I didn't even get to keep my damn tiara. Iona's about to drop her tiara into a recycling bin. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (cont'd) Had to turn it in for scrap. DISSOLVE TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM MOLLY HOWARD, a large white girl, sits between a JAPANESE COUPLE, Mr. and Mrs. HOWARD. SUPER: CONTESTANT #5, MOLLY HOWARD MR. HOWARD (heavy accent) ... So we adopt Molly three year ago when we come to America, to help acclimate us to American. MOLLY (smiling) To America, Dad. Mr. Howard laughs. MRS. HOWARD She all-American girl. She our American Teen Princess girl. MOLLY Oh, Mom... The Howard's biological daughter (they renamed her "TINA") ENTERS FRAME. Although she's the picture of beauty, grace, talent and charm, she represents their old life. TINA (in Japanese) Excuse me, Father, Mother, when are we moving back to Tokyo? I can't stand this place anymore. They put butter on everything. MR. HOWARD (turning, suddenly angry) English! English, you stupid little retard! We America now, Tina! TINA (perfect English) I'm sorry, Dad, but with all due respect, my name isn't "Tina," it's Seiko. MR. HOWARD Tina! Tina!! TINA!!! MRS. HOWARD "Robert," settle down. MR. HOWARD (screaming) AHHHHHH! Mr. Howard suddenly grabs his chest. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene. Mr. Howard is gone. TINA Mom, I just finished the third movement of that concerto I was working on. I put, like, this techno beat on this Japanese folk tune - wanna hear it? MR. HOWARD (running down the hall) No! We not like to hear it! Go to your room and shut up! TINA Oh, I almost forgot... (removing envelope from pocket) I got my acceptance to Tokyo University. MR. HOWARD What, you deaf? I say shut up-shut up- SHUT UP! (coming at camera) Cut her outta this! JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene on couch. MR. HOWARD Now Molly, tell movie man what you talent do. MOLLY I'll be line dancin'. MR. HOWARD (giving thumbs up) Country western! MRS. HOWARD Clint Black! Ruff! MR. HOWARD Hey, what he got I not got? They all laugh. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE CLOSE ON Michelle Johanson's face. MICHELLE ... Yah-I'll be performing a dramatic monologue. SUPER: CONTESTANT #2, MICHELLE JOHANSON MICHELLE (cont'd) Right now, I'm thinkin' "Othello" or... "Soylent Green." Lots of girls make a smooth transition from pageants into actin', y'know. SMASH CUT TO: LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) CONNIE, mid-30's, Midwestern attractive, wearing a sash and tiara, stands in front of a BLUE SCREEN of a FOREST. CONNIE Competin' for the title of Minnesota's American Teen Princess sure was excitin'. But, I never coulda won without my... PULL BACK to reveal a table full of PORK PRODUCTS. CONNIE (cont'd) St. Paul Pork Products! LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SCREEN CHANGES to OUTSIDE FACTORY/STOCK YARDS. Connie now wears a coat and hat and acts as if it's chilly. CONNIE (cont'd) I've been enjoyin' St. Paul Pork Products for years. I grew up right next to these stock yards. SCREEN CHANGES to VIDEO of a SLAUGHTER LINE. PIG CARCASSES move on hooks. Connie wears a hard hat and blood stained butcher's apron. CONNIE (cont'd) It's still the same family-run business that Walter and Vera Polarski started in 1920 when they raised and slaughtered their first pig. Connie grabs a HOT DOG from O.C. and takes a bite. CONNIE (cont'd) Mmm-mmmm. I just love St. Paul Pork Products. In fact, I love kem so much LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SLIDE CHANGES to VIDEO of the SAUSAGE LINE. Workers stuff sausages. Connie wears a white jumpsuit and hairnet. CONNIE (cont'd) I work here now! INT. BETZ LIVING ROOM - NIGHT MRS. BETZ, a large woman, holds a tray of bars. CREW MEMBERS REACH IN THE SHOT and help themselves. JANELLE BETZ sits on the couch, SIGNING EVERYTHING she says. JANELLE (slow, due to signing) ...My talent will be an interpretive dance while I sing, "Through the Eyes of Love." I have a dream of spreadin' sign language around the world... Mom? Would you be so kind? SUPER: CONTESTANT #8, JANELLE BETZ JANELLE (cont'd) Yeah. Well, see, uh, I have a dream of spreading sign language around the world. (to Mrs. Betz) Mom, would you be so kind. Mrs. Betz quickly puts down the bars and goes to the piano where she starts "Through the Eyes of Love." Janelle begins to gesticulate and sign words in an overly dramatic performance that looks like a bizarre seizure. SOUND occasionally DIPS OUT as the BOOM OPERATOR reaches for bars. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER TAMMY CURRY - a cute, jock-type. She wears a LETTER JACKET, covered with VARSITY SPORTS PATCHES. TAMMY CURRY Tammy Curry. I'm signin' up for the scholarship'n'all. SMASH CUT TO: INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM She POINTS to VARIOUS PATCHES on her LETTER JACKET. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) ...This one's for Varsity Soccer, uh, I'm captain. (pointing) I run track, and, uh... (points to small gun patch) Right here, I'm the new President of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club... ANGLE ON LSGC PRESIDENT logo patch. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) (O.S.) I love that one. EXT. FARM FIELD Shot from crew van. Sun is setting behind a lovely field of green. A John Deere Thresher travels across the burning red horizon. DOCUMENTARIAN (V.O.) Would you say you have a good chance to win this pageant? SUPER: CONTESTANT #9, TAMMY CURRY TAMMY (V.O.) Yeah, you bet I do. I mean, maybe other people think I can't win a beauty pageant. But other people didn't think I could beat out Becky Leeman for President of the gun club, either. And I did. I-I-It's just like Anthony Robbins says, "I'm a winner. Nobody can stop me but me!" KABLOOM! Tammy's John Deere thresher BLOWS UP! INT. LUTHERAN CHURCH BASEMENT - KITCHEN AREA - NIGHT CLOSE ON framed school photo of Tammy Curry. PULL BACK to see her letter jacket - scorched and torn (Lutheran Gun Club patch is MISSING) - and flowers. CONTINUE PULLING BACK to reveal both are surrounded by buns, bars and coffee on a long buffet table. A line of somber and repressed Lutherans help themselves to the food. Servettes stand at the ready. Gladys and Iris face the camera. GLADYS Well, you know, I think everyone's doing really well considering the fact that she was so young. IRIS It's always hard to see the young ones called home, especially on an exploding thresher. It's just so odd and gross. GLADYS You know that sometimes it's hard to understand God's great plan. IRIS Yeah. Iris pats Gladys on the shoulder. FEMALE MOURNER #1 May I have a tissue? GLADYS But the show must go on. (she faces Iris) I gotta get a hold of Ted and ask him if we can use that barn light as a spot again. So you watch the Jell-o salad, okay? IRIS All right. Okay. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER It's smokey as hell. THREE "FRY" GIRLS and a PREGNANT "FRY" GIRL - all with "shelf bangs" - smoke and drink. FRY GIRL #1 ...Oh, yeah-right. I ain't gonna be in no goddamn pageant! Look what happened to that dork-ass farm girl. PREGNANT FRY GIRL (O.C.) Tammy Curry? FRY GIRL #1 Yah-yah. Everyone says this is a big accident? She got iced because she wins everything, and this time someone didn't want her to win. PREGNANT FRY GIRL This pageant's like a roach motel. FRY GIRL #1 Girls check in, but they don't check out. PREGNANT FRY GIRL Yeah. And they say smokin' is bad for your health. FRY GIRL #1 (raising cigarette into frame) Yeah. EXT. OLD TWO STORY HOUSE - ESTABLISHING - DAY SIGN painted on GARAGE DOOR: "Dance Studio, Downstairs past the Laundry Room." CAMERA moves DOWNSTAIRS to converted basement. LISA SWENSON and two other large "ballerinas" practice at a 2x4/ballet barre. MOZART plays in the b.g. CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN watches and smokes. (Picture Betty Davis in her final days.) CHLORIS And tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. And repeat. Suck in the belly, girls, and tuck in the tushes! SUPER: CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN, CHOREOGRAPHER CHLORIS (cont'd) Close those legs! You look like a bunch of bowlegged cows! Other side. And...tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. CUT TO: Chloris smokes and talks to camera. "Ballerinas" practice. CHLORIS (cont'd) Yeah, you boys sure picked a good year. If I was a betting woman, and there was a line on this in Vegas, I'd lay down ten-to-one that it all comes down to Amber Atkins and Becky Leeman. Oh, sweet Jesus, what a showdown this could be if Cain and Abel... The SOUND RECORDIST enters and Lisa spins out of control, taking him out. She leans over and comforts him. LISA Ow! Oh, God. It's so em-so embarrassing. EST. SHOT - "DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC" - DAY MARY (V.O.) (labored breaths) My winning...the Mount Rose... INT. PATIENT'S ROOM - DAY SMILING ANOREXIC GIRL sits in bed - a TIARA in what's left of her hair and a SASH over her hospital gown. MARY ...American Teen Princess Pageant... SUPER: MARY JOHANSON, REIGNING MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS MARY (cont'd) ...really changed my life. The TIARA SLIPS OFF her BALDING HEAD and rolls to the floor. INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber fixes Mary's hair, carefully brushing her balding head. Mary smiles, oblivious. MARY (labored breaths) ...Amber does my hair...once a week. AMBER (flattered and embarrassed) Well...it's the least I can do for the reigning Mount Rose Junior Miss Amer-- Amber pulls the brush away with a clump of Mary's hair dangling from it. AMBER (cont'd) Oh God... MARY What? AMBER Huh? Oh...Uh, just a little snarl... Amber mouths, "Shhh! Don't tell!" to camera as she tries to pull the clump of hair from the brush. JUMP CUT TO: INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber ties the tiara and missing clump of hair to Mary's head with a ribbon. AMBER There we go. She holds the mirror for Mary. MARY (delusional) Beautiful... Maybe next week... a perm. AMBER Yah... sure... Amber gives a kind but worried smile to camera. Suddenly, Becky Leeman enters with a large box of chocolates. She's fully aware of the cameras from the moment she enters. BECKY Hellooo, Little Mary Sunshine! (pretending to notice camera) What?! Oh-oh my God! Lights! Camera! And me without a stitch of make-up on. What are you guys doin' here? She's in full make-up. AMBER What're you doin' here? BECKY Oh, Amber, like you're the only one who visits Mary. MARY (to Becky) Who are you? BECKY (covering) "Who are you?!" Oh Mary, you kill me. (to camera) She always says that. It's a little game we play. Every week - same dippy little look on her face. "Who are you - who are you?" Just like that. (in Mary's face) It's me - Becky - and I brought your favorites. Becky puts the chocolates on Mary's lap, a few spill. Throughout the following, Mary slowly reaches for them as if they're forbidden fruit and she's a very hungry Eve. AMBER How nice, Becky, she's anorexic. Becky roughly puts her hands over Mary's ears, who's now gently petting the spilled chocolates in her lap. BECKY (sotto, reprimanding tone) She's skinny, not deaf, Amber. EXT. TRAILER - LATE AFTERNOON MONTAGE - Amber taps around the mobile home community, HOME FROM SCHOOL - backpack, Walkman, cool music blaring. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber stands in a room the SIZE OF A CLOSET. Posters, articles and pictures of great tap dancers and Diane Sawyer cover the walls. AMBER ... Dreams? Yah-sure I got kem... Sometimes I dream of winnin'... I dream of gettin' outta Mount Rose and bein' a big time reporter like Diane Sawyer. I mean, guys get outta Mount Rose all the time for hockey scholarships or prison. But the pageant's kinda my only chance. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber points to LARGE PAGEANT PHOTO OF DIANE SAWYER - 1963 AMBER ... Yah-1963. Her beauty worked against her when she started as a reporter in Louisville, her hometown. Those were different times. ANNETTE (O.S.) (yelling, coughing) Hey, Amber, y'get my smokes? AMBER (smiling) That's my mom. (yelling) I'll get kem in a sec. ANNETTE ATKINS, Amber's mom - sexy, but tired - OPENS THE DOOR. ANNETTE (surprised by cameras) Oh shit! AMBER They're from L.A. They wanted to see my room and film me for their movie. ANNETTE (mock-touched, to crew) Oh... How quickly they grow up. (exiting, smiling) Hey, if they ask you to take off your shirt, get the money first. Annette is gone. ANNETTE (cont'd) (O.S.) And go get my smokes! JUMP CUT TO: EST. SHOT - LEEMAN FAMILY HOME - DAY Landscaped grounds surround this lovely two-story. INT. LEEMAN HOME - VARIOUS ROOMS Brief "LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH & FAMOUS" montage of Gladys showing off interiors to the theme from "GONE WITH THE WIND." INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY It looks like a Levitz showroom. Gladys sits stiffly between Becky and her husband, LESTER - mid-60's, gruff, "old school" salesman, drink in hand. LESTER ...You betcha. S'posed to be colder-n- a witches tit tonight... GLADYS (nervous laugh) Oh, Lester. He loves his weather, y'know. LESTER (looking to crew, O.S.) Hey, ya like it? Open it...Yah-the globe. Pull at the equator there. GLADYS We're not in the showroom, Dear. Banging and fumbling. A CORKSCREW flies into shot - CREW GUY quickly ENTERS SHOT and grabs it. LESTER Fits three full-size booze bottles. The cassette deck pulls outta Afghanistan, there. BECKY (embarrassed) Mommm... GLADYS Lester? LESTER Oh, all right (to camera) How soon they forget where all this comes from. BECKY Japan. LESTER That's enough, young lady. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER GLADYS "Impartial?" Outside this house I'm Gladys Leeman, President, Civil Servettes - impartial as the day is long. But we're inside my home now and I've gotta warn you, I'm wearin' my "wife apron" and "mom hat." So, I can safely say that I'm the mother of the most talented contestant Mount Rose has ever seen. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER Lester's gone from the couch. GLADYS I'll field that one - Rebecca's saving her voice. Becky smiles admiringly at Gladys. GLADYS (cont'd) You-betcha, Rebecca's ready. She's been singin' and dancin' since she was knee high to a pig's eye. Lester returns to the couch, large drink in hand. LESTER Yah-she's damn near as good as that little black fella - with the glass eye. GLADYS Sammy Davis, Jr., honey. LESTER Yeah, yeah, the Jew. BECKY Nice one, Dad. He's dead. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Same scene. BOYS' WRESTLING TEAM - tight singlets - runs laps around gym - between Servettes and camera. GLADYS ...Yah-then, for the "Judges Interview," each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges before the pageant... Gladys is distracted by the HARD, YOUNG bodies. All are. GLADYS Yes, the Judges Interview.. Each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges prior to the pageant. Then we have the... A HUNKY WRESTLER, TONY, waves. GLADYS (cont'd) Hello, Tony. TONY Hey. GLADYS "Hey" to

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Drop Dead Gorgeous Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> DROP DEAD GORGEOUS DROP DEAD GORGEOUS FADE IN: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - MINNESOTA - DAY Vintage black and white stock footage of some farms and farmhouses. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY Color footage of cotton fields passing by. We FREEZE and FADE TO BLACK. TITLE WIPES IN: 1995 MARKED THE FIFTIETH ANNIVERSARY OF THE NATION'S OLDEST BEAUTY CONTEST... THE SARAH ROSE COSMETICS AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS PAGEANT A DOCUMENTARY FILM CREW WAS SENT TO A SMALL TOWN IN MINNESOTA TO COMMEMORATE THIS OCCASSION. INT. PAGEANT AUDITORIUM - MOUNT ROSE - DAY Vintage blue-toned stock footage of a teenage beauty pageant contestant. LEGS WIPE IN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Sarah Rose knows you're a beautiful person.... Blue-toned stock footage of a long row of beauty pageant contestants on stage. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Sarah Rose knows you have an unusual talent. Sarah Rose knows you're a teenage girl. Blue-toned stock footage of the row of contestants parading down some steps from the stage as CAMERA TILTS DOWN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Mmm, and she definitely knows that you are ready for the ultimate teen glamour. ROUSING PATRIOTIC MUSIC. FAST PACED CUTS feature SMILING TEENAGE CONTESTANTS dancing and waving American flags. APPLAUSE! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant. Each contestant wears a BANNER ACROSS her dress reading: AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) And now, a few words... ANGLE ON Contestants DROP, ROLL and form a STAR. CHEERS! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) ...from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. ADAM WEST The American Teen Princess Pageant has been enriching the lives of American- made girls since 1945. TITLES FADE ON SCREEN: Adam West, TV's Batman, then FADE OUT. ADAM WEST (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant provides personal growth, scholarship, travel, and you... Numerous contestants stand up in SHOT and SURROUND ADAM. ADAM WEST (cont'd) ...might even meet a few celebrities. At the national level, thousands of seventeen year-old girls like yourselves. and compete around the country in places like: MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Beautiful Mount Rose, Minnesota. ADAM WEST And make it all the way here to Lincoln, Alabama, to compete for the title of American Teen Princess. LIGHTS come UP on the teenaged girls in the pageant as they pause. As they WAVE AMERICAN FLAGS. Adam West turns back to the camera. ADAM WEST (cont'd) And now, a few words from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. Contestants strike a pose around him. THUNDEROUS CANNED APPLAUSE! ADAM WEST (cont'd) (pointing to camera) So, which one of you will it b-- SCREEN SUDDENLY STATIC. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY SCENE from "DAYS OF OUR LIVES" PULL BACK to reveal the VIDEO is on a TV in front of a GROUP OF SEVENTEEN YEAR-OLD GIRLS, sitting in gym bleachers. [NOTE: The film is shot documentary style. PEOPLE ARE REAL. Their lives revolve around this pageant. All speak with a THICK MINNESOTA ACCENT.] THREE "CIVIL SERVETTES," the local women's group. [Picture unattractive Stepford Wives in matching windbreakers] stand beside GLADYS LEEMAN, 34, president. She STOPS THE VIDEO. GLADYS LEEMAN Good God, Iris, you taped your shows over it. IRIS Sorry. Gladys turns to the GIRLS in the bleachers. SUPER: MOUNT ROSE, MINNESOTA POPULATION: 5,076 GLADYS LEEMAN Now ladies, the rest of the tape - which is now gone forever - goes on about startin' this great American journey we call American Teen Princess...Yah-so, any of you young ladies who'd like to start on that journey, you just come right down here and sign up. And please...help yourselves to some coffee and bars... SMASH EDIT TO: Gladys seated with middle-aged women. GLADYS Showtime. SUPER: GLADYS LEEMAN, LOCAL CHAIRMAN, PAGEANT ORGANIZING COMMITTEE. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you think that most people would say that teenage beauty pageants are a good idea? GLADYS Oh yah-sure, I know what some of your big city, no bra wearin', hairy-legged women's libbers say, "Pageants are old- fashioned" and, uh, and "demeaning" to the girls -- IRIS (jumping in) What's sick is women dressin' like men! Civil Servettes stare at her a beat. GLADYS Uh... You betcha, Iris. (quickly, back to camera) Yah-I think yous boys'll find that things are different here in Mount Rose... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) For one thing, y'know, we're God fearin' folk - every last one of us... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) You won't find a back room in our video store... Servettes AD-LIB "AMEN. YAH-YOU BETCHA." etc. GLADYS (cont'd) (V.O.) ...that filth is better left in the "Sin Cities." IRIS A.k.a. Minneapolis - St. Paul. PULL AWAY from MINNEAPOLIS SKYLINE to COUNTRYSIDE. EXT. QUAINT MAIN STREET The camera drives down the street. EXT. PICTURESQUE MIDDLE-CLASS NEIGHBORHOODS The camera drives down the street. EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE A HAPPY FAMILY raises the AMERICAN FLAG. EXT. SUBURBAN DRIVEWAY BURLY GUYS look up from washing a FORD TRUCK. EXT. TRAILER PARK Sign next to it reads: "Welcome to Mount Rose, Home of Freda Klinghagen, Minnesota's Oldest Living Lutheran" complete with a photo of the extremely old woman smiling and waving. EXT. CREW VAN An ELDERLY COUPLE looks in the passenger window of the van. ELDERLY MAN (MAYOR) Oh, yah-sure, Freda, yah. She was the oldest livin' Lutheran. Now she's dead as a doornail. It's them damn Shriners who ain't taken that Goddamn sign down yet - those lazy sons-a- bitches... I tells kem, I tells kem every goddamn year, "Take the Goddamn Freda sign down, you lazy sons-a-bitches!" SUPER: MAYOR OF MOUNT ROSE INT. GLADYS' VAN - DAY Through the window a family waves to Gladys. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY Two BOYS play basketball in the driveway of their home. EXT. FRONT LAWN - DAY SMALL CHILDREN in bathing suits play on a lawn. A boy shoots his water pistol. INT. LEEMAN STATION WAGON - AFTERNOON Civil Servettes and crew are piled in. Gladys drives. GLADYS ...Today's "To Do" list includes a trip to the Mall of America. We need outfits for the "Physical Fitness" number -- IRIS Nothin' too showy! GLADYS Y'betcha, Iris. We still need a third judge and we need to think of a theme. Servettes react with pleasure. IRIS Gladys -- Gladys! Look out! A CAR SWERVES. GLADYS Oh, my! (waving out window) Hello, Father Donigan! Sidewalks, sidewalks? Iris mimes drinking, "glug, glug." GLADYS (cont'd) Iris, stop! (to camera) It's not his fault. The communal wine just proves too temptin' for some of them. IRIS That's why we Lutherans use grape Koolaid for the blood of Christ. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA In the vast, already full parking lot, we see Gladys Leeman's station wagon searching for a parking spot. IRIS Oh, there's a parking space over there. Oh, no, that's just a compact. Sorry. GLADYS You'd think they'd build the parking lot of America to go with the Mall of America! Gladys pulls into a HANDICAPPED SPOT. Servettes and CAMERA stand outside the car. Iris points at the sign. IRIS It's a two-hundred dollar fine! GLADYS I said I'd move if a cripple came. Let's just run in the store and pick out some outfits. IRIS All right, let's go. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA PARKING LOT Iris and another Servette start to get out of the car. GLADYS Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! I just thought of the theme. Iris and the Servette stop. IRIS Oh! What is it? GLADYS (cont'd) "Proud...to be...an...American." Servettes react with pleasure. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOA PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So what was the theme of the pageant last year? GLADYS Last year? It was, "Buy American." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) And the year before that? GLADYS "U.S.A. is A-okay." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Can you remember the theme of your favorite pageant? GLADYS "Can I? I'm Amer-I-Can!" People ask me where I get this. I don't know, it's...maybe a gift from God or somethin'. INT. MOUNT ROSE HIGH - GYM - DAY PAN DOWN row of EIGHT GIRLS signing up and eating bars. SUPER: LOCAL PAGEANT REGISTRATION, MOUNT ROSE HIGH SCHOOL ANGLE ON LESLIE MILLER - sexy/peppy girl in CHEERLEADING UNIFORM. LESLIE MILLER ...Hi. (giggles) I'm Leslie Miller. I'm signin' up kcause-ah, y'know, I always watch pageants on the TV and my boyfriend thinks I'll win. SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, LESLIE MILLER She makes "gills" on the sides of her head with her hands. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) For my talent, I'm gonna be doing the.. Two FOOTBALL PLAYERS interrupt: PAT, her boyfriend, and BRETT, who smiles and gives a nod to Amber. Pat grabs Leslie and kisses her hard. LESLIE (cont'd) Uh, Pat, I'm trying to tell themabout my...Oh... Hormones take over and they lock lips again. She wraps her legs around him. He feels up her ass. They continue groping as her Washington Monument slips off. CUT TO: Leslie waves and blows kisses while performing a cheerleader chant. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) Hi, Pat! Go, Muskies! Whoo! INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM AMBER ATKINS - naturally pretty blonde, sweet as sugar pie, stares into camera like a deer caught in headlights. AMBER ATKINS (suddenly looking O.C.) Hi, I-I'm Amber Atkins and, um, I'm signin' up k'cause, ah, my two favorite people in the world competed. My mom and Diane Sawyer...Course I hope I end up a little more like Diane Sawyer than my mom... She flashes a GRIN, we melt. INT. FUNERAL HOME/EMBALMING ROOM - DAY Amber tap-dances as she applies make-up to a MALE CORPSE. SUPER: CONTESTANT #1, AMBER ATKINS DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you do any of the, uh, embalming? AMBER (laughing) Oh, my God, no. Oh, God. I just do the hair and makeup on the deceased. EXT. ROAD - DAY Amber tap dances at the side of the road as traffic passes. AMBER (V.O.) I'm lucky I have an after-school job where I can practice my talent. EXT. MOA PARKING LOT - DAY GLADYS Oh, yeah, sure. You know, every pageant is special, but this one is extra-special to me. When I was seventeen, I don't know if you know this, but I was crowned Mount Rose's American Teen Princess. And this year...drum roll please, my lovely daughter, Rebecca Ann Leeman is competin'. INT. HIGH SCHOOL REBECCA LEEMAN stands in front of Amber and addresses the camerman (O.S.). BECKY Is this my mark? (it is) Hi, I'm Rebecca Leeman. And I believe this pageant is an important experience for every young woman. It, well, it teaches you what's really important in life, and it has the power to change you in ways you've never dreamed of. INT. GUN RANGE Becky, in shooting goggles and ear muffs, FIRES a Glock- 17 9mm pistol with both hands. Sign on wall reads: "Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club." (See Iona in b.g. with an arsenal of sniper weaponry.) BECKY (yelling over noise) ...What?! Klinghagen thinks it'll all come down to me and Amber? Becky stops firing and takes off her hear muffs. BECKY (cont'd) Well, you have to take everything Mrs. Klinghagen says with a grain of salt. Not all your Catholics go to communion for the wafers, if you know what I mean... JUMP CUT TO: INT. LUTHERAN SISTERHOOD GUN RANGE - LATER Becky thumbs bullets into her magazine as she talks. BECKY ...Yah-my mom gave me this nine-mil for my thirteenth birthday... SUPER: CONTESTANT #6, BECKY LEEMAN I'll always remember what she wrote in the card. "Jesus loves winners." That's why, no matter what I do... She shoves the magazine back in her pistol. BECKY (cont'd) I aim to win. She smiles to camera, then violently fires off a few rounds. Zoom in on the MALE TARGET: several bullet holes in the head. INT. "NEW YORK, NEW YORK" BEDROOM - DAY It's all NEW YORK MEMORABILIA. Lisa Swenson - big bubbly girl - sits on her bed. LISA Why? Well, uh, it's kind of like askin', "Why do all the guys chew Copenhagen?" You know? I mean, if you're seventeen and you're not a total fry, it's just what you do. ETHEL MERMAN's "Everything's Coming Up Roses" PLAYS over speakers. SUPER: CONTESTANT #7, LISA SWENSON DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Have you decided what your talent is going to be yet? LISA I'm gonna sing and dance to, "New York, New York." See, I fell in love with The Big Apple last summer when I was visitin' my brother. He followed his dream to New York. PICKS UP 8x10's, shows to camera. LISA (cont'd) This is Peter as Liza. This is him as Madonna. Oh, here's me with him as Barbara... INT. "GERMAN SHEPHERD" BEDROOM - DAY TESS WEINHAUS, wearing an "I love German Shepherds" t- shirt. The room is filled with German Shepherd paraphernalia. TESS Uh... I don't know what my talent's gonna be yet... SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, TESS WEINHAUS TESS (cont'd) Kenny. Kenny, come. Come, Kenny. A DACHSHUND enters and jumps on her lap. TESS (cont'd) This is Kenny. Spike, my German Shepherd, went to live with a nice family on a farm after he attacked me. It wasn't his fault. I had beef jerky in my front pocket. (pulling up shirt) They re-made my belly with skin from my butt. DISSOLVE TO: INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY - DAY IONA HILDERBRANDT - librarian, 65+ - stamps books. SUPER: IONA HILDERBRANDT, MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS - 1945 IONA HILDERBRANTDT (smoked for sixty years) I was Mount Rose American Teen Princess in 1945. We were at war with the Japs. ANGLE ON A vintage B&W photograph of 18-year-old IONA HILDERBRANDT, looking surprised with hands on cheeks, is being crowned MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS by TWO SOLDIERS on a GYM STAGE. YOUNG IONA, wearing TIARA, stands with SOLDIERS and WAR OFFICIALS beside a boiling pot of metal. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (V.O.) (cont'd) I didn't even get to keep my damn tiara. Iona's about to drop her tiara into a recycling bin. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (cont'd) Had to turn it in for scrap. DISSOLVE TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM MOLLY HOWARD, a large white girl, sits between a JAPANESE COUPLE, Mr. and Mrs. HOWARD. SUPER: CONTESTANT #5, MOLLY HOWARD MR. HOWARD (heavy accent) ... So we adopt Molly three year ago when we come to America, to help acclimate us to American. MOLLY (smiling) To America, Dad. Mr. Howard laughs. MRS. HOWARD She all-American girl. She our American Teen Princess girl. MOLLY Oh, Mom... The Howard's biological daughter (they renamed her "TINA") ENTERS FRAME. Although she's the picture of beauty, grace, talent and charm, she represents their old life. TINA (in Japanese) Excuse me, Father, Mother, when are we moving back to Tokyo? I can't stand this place anymore. They put butter on everything. MR. HOWARD (turning, suddenly angry) English! English, you stupid little retard! We America now, Tina! TINA (perfect English) I'm sorry, Dad, but with all due respect, my name isn't "Tina," it's Seiko. MR. HOWARD Tina! Tina!! TINA!!! MRS. HOWARD "Robert," settle down. MR. HOWARD (screaming) AHHHHHH! Mr. Howard suddenly grabs his chest. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene. Mr. Howard is gone. TINA Mom, I just finished the third movement of that concerto I was working on. I put, like, this techno beat on this Japanese folk tune - wanna hear it? MR. HOWARD (running down the hall) No! We not like to hear it! Go to your room and shut up! TINA Oh, I almost forgot... (removing envelope from pocket) I got my acceptance to Tokyo University. MR. HOWARD What, you deaf? I say shut up-shut up- SHUT UP! (coming at camera) Cut her outta this! JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene on couch. MR. HOWARD Now Molly, tell movie man what you talent do. MOLLY I'll be line dancin'. MR. HOWARD (giving thumbs up) Country western! MRS. HOWARD Clint Black! Ruff! MR. HOWARD Hey, what he got I not got? They all laugh. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE CLOSE ON Michelle Johanson's face. MICHELLE ... Yah-I'll be performing a dramatic monologue. SUPER: CONTESTANT #2, MICHELLE JOHANSON MICHELLE (cont'd) Right now, I'm thinkin' "Othello" or... "Soylent Green." Lots of girls make a smooth transition from pageants into actin', y'know. SMASH CUT TO: LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) CONNIE, mid-30's, Midwestern attractive, wearing a sash and tiara, stands in front of a BLUE SCREEN of a FOREST. CONNIE Competin' for the title of Minnesota's American Teen Princess sure was excitin'. But, I never coulda won without my... PULL BACK to reveal a table full of PORK PRODUCTS. CONNIE (cont'd) St. Paul Pork Products! LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SCREEN CHANGES to OUTSIDE FACTORY/STOCK YARDS. Connie now wears a coat and hat and acts as if it's chilly. CONNIE (cont'd) I've been enjoyin' St. Paul Pork Products for years. I grew up right next to these stock yards. SCREEN CHANGES to VIDEO of a SLAUGHTER LINE. PIG CARCASSES move on hooks. Connie wears a hard hat and blood stained butcher's apron. CONNIE (cont'd) It's still the same family-run business that Walter and Vera Polarski started in 1920 when they raised and slaughtered their first pig. Connie grabs a HOT DOG from O.C. and takes a bite. CONNIE (cont'd) Mmm-mmmm. I just love St. Paul Pork Products. In fact, I love kem so much LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SLIDE CHANGES to VIDEO of the SAUSAGE LINE. Workers stuff sausages. Connie wears a white jumpsuit and hairnet. CONNIE (cont'd) I work here now! INT. BETZ LIVING ROOM - NIGHT MRS. BETZ, a large woman, holds a tray of bars. CREW MEMBERS REACH IN THE SHOT and help themselves. JANELLE BETZ sits on the couch, SIGNING EVERYTHING she says. JANELLE (slow, due to signing) ...My talent will be an interpretive dance while I sing, "Through the Eyes of Love." I have a dream of spreadin' sign language around the world... Mom? Would you be so kind? SUPER: CONTESTANT #8, JANELLE BETZ JANELLE (cont'd) Yeah. Well, see, uh, I have a dream of spreading sign language around the world. (to Mrs. Betz) Mom, would you be so kind. Mrs. Betz quickly puts down the bars and goes to the piano where she starts "Through the Eyes of Love." Janelle begins to gesticulate and sign words in an overly dramatic performance that looks like a bizarre seizure. SOUND occasionally DIPS OUT as the BOOM OPERATOR reaches for bars. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER TAMMY CURRY - a cute, jock-type. She wears a LETTER JACKET, covered with VARSITY SPORTS PATCHES. TAMMY CURRY Tammy Curry. I'm signin' up for the scholarship'n'all. SMASH CUT TO: INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM She POINTS to VARIOUS PATCHES on her LETTER JACKET. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) ...This one's for Varsity Soccer, uh, I'm captain. (pointing) I run track, and, uh... (points to small gun patch) Right here, I'm the new President of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club... ANGLE ON LSGC PRESIDENT logo patch. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) (O.S.) I love that one. EXT. FARM FIELD Shot from crew van. Sun is setting behind a lovely field of green. A John Deere Thresher travels across the burning red horizon. DOCUMENTARIAN (V.O.) Would you say you have a good chance to win this pageant? SUPER: CONTESTANT #9, TAMMY CURRY TAMMY (V.O.) Yeah, you bet I do. I mean, maybe other people think I can't win a beauty pageant. But other people didn't think I could beat out Becky Leeman for President of the gun club, either. And I did. I-I-It's just like Anthony Robbins says, "I'm a winner. Nobody can stop me but me!" KABLOOM! Tammy's John Deere thresher BLOWS UP! INT. LUTHERAN CHURCH BASEMENT - KITCHEN AREA - NIGHT CLOSE ON framed school photo of Tammy Curry. PULL BACK to see her letter jacket - scorched and torn (Lutheran Gun Club patch is MISSING) - and flowers. CONTINUE PULLING BACK to reveal both are surrounded by buns, bars and coffee on a long buffet table. A line of somber and repressed Lutherans help themselves to the food. Servettes stand at the ready. Gladys and Iris face the camera. GLADYS Well, you know, I think everyone's doing really well considering the fact that she was so young. IRIS It's always hard to see the young ones called home, especially on an exploding thresher. It's just so odd and gross. GLADYS You know that sometimes it's hard to understand God's great plan. IRIS Yeah. Iris pats Gladys on the shoulder. FEMALE MOURNER #1 May I have a tissue? GLADYS But the show must go on. (she faces Iris) I gotta get a hold of Ted and ask him if we can use that barn light as a spot again. So you watch the Jell-o salad, okay? IRIS All right. Okay. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER It's smokey as hell. THREE "FRY" GIRLS and a PREGNANT "FRY" GIRL - all with "shelf bangs" - smoke and drink. FRY GIRL #1 ...Oh, yeah-right. I ain't gonna be in no goddamn pageant! Look what happened to that dork-ass farm girl. PREGNANT FRY GIRL (O.C.) Tammy Curry? FRY GIRL #1 Yah-yah. Everyone says this is a big accident? She got iced because she wins everything, and this time someone didn't want her to win. PREGNANT FRY GIRL This pageant's like a roach motel. FRY GIRL #1 Girls check in, but they don't check out. PREGNANT FRY GIRL Yeah. And they say smokin' is bad for your health. FRY GIRL #1 (raising cigarette into frame) Yeah. EXT. OLD TWO STORY HOUSE - ESTABLISHING - DAY SIGN painted on GARAGE DOOR: "Dance Studio, Downstairs past the Laundry Room." CAMERA moves DOWNSTAIRS to converted basement. LISA SWENSON and two other large "ballerinas" practice at a 2x4/ballet barre. MOZART plays in the b.g. CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN watches and smokes. (Picture Betty Davis in her final days.) CHLORIS And tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. And repeat. Suck in the belly, girls, and tuck in the tushes! SUPER: CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN, CHOREOGRAPHER CHLORIS (cont'd) Close those legs! You look like a bunch of bowlegged cows! Other side. And...tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. CUT TO: Chloris smokes and talks to camera. "Ballerinas" practice. CHLORIS (cont'd) Yeah, you boys sure picked a good year. If I was a betting woman, and there was a line on this in Vegas, I'd lay down ten-to-one that it all comes down to Amber Atkins and Becky Leeman. Oh, sweet Jesus, what a showdown this could be if Cain and Abel... The SOUND RECORDIST enters and Lisa spins out of control, taking him out. She leans over and comforts him. LISA Ow! Oh, God. It's so em-so embarrassing. EST. SHOT - "DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC" - DAY MARY (V.O.) (labored breaths) My winning...the Mount Rose... INT. PATIENT'S ROOM - DAY SMILING ANOREXIC GIRL sits in bed - a TIARA in what's left of her hair and a SASH over her hospital gown. MARY ...American Teen Princess Pageant... SUPER: MARY JOHANSON, REIGNING MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS MARY (cont'd) ...really changed my life. The TIARA SLIPS OFF her BALDING HEAD and rolls to the floor. INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber fixes Mary's hair, carefully brushing her balding head. Mary smiles, oblivious. MARY (labored breaths) ...Amber does my hair...once a week. AMBER (flattered and embarrassed) Well...it's the least I can do for the reigning Mount Rose Junior Miss Amer-- Amber pulls the brush away with a clump of Mary's hair dangling from it. AMBER (cont'd) Oh God... MARY What? AMBER Huh? Oh...Uh, just a little snarl... Amber mouths, "Shhh! Don't tell!" to camera as she tries to pull the clump of hair from the brush. JUMP CUT TO: INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber ties the tiara and missing clump of hair to Mary's head with a ribbon. AMBER There we go. She holds the mirror for Mary. MARY (delusional) Beautiful... Maybe next week... a perm. AMBER Yah... sure... Amber gives a kind but worried smile to camera. Suddenly, Becky Leeman enters with a large box of chocolates. She's fully aware of the cameras from the moment she enters. BECKY Hellooo, Little Mary Sunshine! (pretending to notice camera) What?! Oh-oh my God! Lights! Camera! And me without a stitch of make-up on. What are you guys doin' here? She's in full make-up. AMBER What're you doin' here? BECKY Oh, Amber, like you're the only one who visits Mary. MARY (to Becky) Who are you? BECKY (covering) "Who are you?!" Oh Mary, you kill me. (to camera) She always says that. It's a little game we play. Every week - same dippy little look on her face. "Who are you - who are you?" Just like that. (in Mary's face) It's me - Becky - and I brought your favorites. Becky puts the chocolates on Mary's lap, a few spill. Throughout the following, Mary slowly reaches for them as if they're forbidden fruit and she's a very hungry Eve. AMBER How nice, Becky, she's anorexic. Becky roughly puts her hands over Mary's ears, who's now gently petting the spilled chocolates in her lap. BECKY (sotto, reprimanding tone) She's skinny, not deaf, Amber. EXT. TRAILER - LATE AFTERNOON MONTAGE - Amber taps around the mobile home community, HOME FROM SCHOOL - backpack, Walkman, cool music blaring. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber stands in a room the SIZE OF A CLOSET. Posters, articles and pictures of great tap dancers and Diane Sawyer cover the walls. AMBER ... Dreams? Yah-sure I got kem... Sometimes I dream of winnin'... I dream of gettin' outta Mount Rose and bein' a big time reporter like Diane Sawyer. I mean, guys get outta Mount Rose all the time for hockey scholarships or prison. But the pageant's kinda my only chance. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber points to LARGE PAGEANT PHOTO OF DIANE SAWYER - 1963 AMBER ... Yah-1963. Her beauty worked against her when she started as a reporter in Louisville, her hometown. Those were different times. ANNETTE (O.S.) (yelling, coughing) Hey, Amber, y'get my smokes? AMBER (smiling) That's my mom. (yelling) I'll get kem in a sec. ANNETTE ATKINS, Amber's mom - sexy, but tired - OPENS THE DOOR. ANNETTE (surprised by cameras) Oh shit! AMBER They're from L.A. They wanted to see my room and film me for their movie. ANNETTE (mock-touched, to crew) Oh... How quickly they grow up. (exiting, smiling) Hey, if they ask you to take off your shirt, get the money first. Annette is gone. ANNETTE (cont'd) (O.S.) And go get my smokes! JUMP CUT TO: EST. SHOT - LEEMAN FAMILY HOME - DAY Landscaped grounds surround this lovely two-story. INT. LEEMAN HOME - VARIOUS ROOMS Brief "LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH & FAMOUS" montage of Gladys showing off interiors to the theme from "GONE WITH THE WIND." INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY It looks like a Levitz showroom. Gladys sits stiffly between Becky and her husband, LESTER - mid-60's, gruff, "old school" salesman, drink in hand. LESTER ...You betcha. S'posed to be colder-n- a witches tit tonight... GLADYS (nervous laugh) Oh, Lester. He loves his weather, y'know. LESTER (looking to crew, O.S.) Hey, ya like it? Open it...Yah-the globe. Pull at the equator there. GLADYS We're not in the showroom, Dear. Banging and fumbling. A CORKSCREW flies into shot - CREW GUY quickly ENTERS SHOT and grabs it. LESTER Fits three full-size booze bottles. The cassette deck pulls outta Afghanistan, there. BECKY (embarrassed) Mommm... GLADYS Lester? LESTER Oh, all right (to camera) How soon they forget where all this comes from. BECKY Japan. LESTER That's enough, young lady. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER GLADYS "Impartial?" Outside this house I'm Gladys Leeman, President, Civil Servettes - impartial as the day is long. But we're inside my home now and I've gotta warn you, I'm wearin' my "wife apron" and "mom hat." So, I can safely say that I'm the mother of the most talented contestant Mount Rose has ever seen. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER Lester's gone from the couch. GLADYS I'll field that one - Rebecca's saving her voice. Becky smiles admiringly at Gladys. GLADYS (cont'd) You-betcha, Rebecca's ready. She's been singin' and dancin' since she was knee high to a pig's eye. Lester returns to the couch, large drink in hand. LESTER Yah-she's damn near as good as that little black fella - with the glass eye. GLADYS Sammy Davis, Jr., honey. LESTER Yeah, yeah, the Jew. BECKY Nice one, Dad. He's dead. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Same scene. BOYS' WRESTLING TEAM - tight singlets - runs laps around gym - between Servettes and camera. GLADYS ...Yah-then, for the "Judges Interview," each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges before the pageant... Gladys is distracted by the HARD, YOUNG bodies. All are. GLADYS Yes, the Judges Interview.. Each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges prior to the pageant. Then we have the... A HUNKY WRESTLER, TONY, waves. GLADYS (cont'd) Hello, Tony. TONY Hey. GLADYS "Hey" to

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Drop Dead Gorgeous Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> DROP DEAD GORGEOUS DROP DEAD GORGEOUS FADE IN: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - MINNESOTA - DAY Vintage black and white stock footage of some farms and farmhouses. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY Color footage of cotton fields passing by. We FREEZE and FADE TO BLACK. TITLE WIPES IN: 1995 MARKED THE FIFTIETH ANNIVERSARY OF THE NATION'S OLDEST BEAUTY CONTEST... THE SARAH ROSE COSMETICS AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS PAGEANT A DOCUMENTARY FILM CREW WAS SENT TO A SMALL TOWN IN MINNESOTA TO COMMEMORATE THIS OCCASSION. INT. PAGEANT AUDITORIUM - MOUNT ROSE - DAY Vintage blue-toned stock footage of a teenage beauty pageant contestant. LEGS WIPE IN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Sarah Rose knows you're a beautiful person.... Blue-toned stock footage of a long row of beauty pageant contestants on stage. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Sarah Rose knows you have an unusual talent. Sarah Rose knows you're a teenage girl. Blue-toned stock footage of the row of contestants parading down some steps from the stage as CAMERA TILTS DOWN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Mmm, and she definitely knows that you are ready for the ultimate teen glamour. ROUSING PATRIOTIC MUSIC. FAST PACED CUTS feature SMILING TEENAGE CONTESTANTS dancing and waving American flags. APPLAUSE! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant. Each contestant wears a BANNER ACROSS her dress reading: AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) And now, a few words... ANGLE ON Contestants DROP, ROLL and form a STAR. CHEERS! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) ...from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. ADAM WEST The American Teen Princess Pageant has been enriching the lives of American- made girls since 1945. TITLES FADE ON SCREEN: Adam West, TV's Batman, then FADE OUT. ADAM WEST (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant provides personal growth, scholarship, travel, and you... Numerous contestants stand up in SHOT and SURROUND ADAM. ADAM WEST (cont'd) ...might even meet a few celebrities. At the national level, thousands of seventeen year-old girls like yourselves. and compete around the country in places like: MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Beautiful Mount Rose, Minnesota. ADAM WEST And make it all the way here to Lincoln, Alabama, to compete for the title of American Teen Princess. LIGHTS come UP on the teenaged girls in the pageant as they pause. As they WAVE AMERICAN FLAGS. Adam West turns back to the camera. ADAM WEST (cont'd) And now, a few words from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. Contestants strike a pose around him. THUNDEROUS CANNED APPLAUSE! ADAM WEST (cont'd) (pointing to camera) So, which one of you will it b-- SCREEN SUDDENLY STATIC. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY SCENE from "DAYS OF OUR LIVES" PULL BACK to reveal the VIDEO is on a TV in front of a GROUP OF SEVENTEEN YEAR-OLD GIRLS, sitting in gym bleachers. [NOTE: The film is shot documentary style. PEOPLE ARE REAL. Their lives revolve around this pageant. All speak with a THICK MINNESOTA ACCENT.] THREE "CIVIL SERVETTES," the local women's group. [Picture unattractive Stepford Wives in matching windbreakers] stand beside GLADYS LEEMAN, 34, president. She STOPS THE VIDEO. GLADYS LEEMAN Good God, Iris, you taped your shows over it. IRIS Sorry. Gladys turns to the GIRLS in the bleachers. SUPER: MOUNT ROSE, MINNESOTA POPULATION: 5,076 GLADYS LEEMAN Now ladies, the rest of the tape - which is now gone forever - goes on about startin' this great American journey we call American Teen Princess...Yah-so, any of you young ladies who'd like to start on that journey, you just come right down here and sign up. And please...help yourselves to some coffee and bars... SMASH EDIT TO: Gladys seated with middle-aged women. GLADYS Showtime. SUPER: GLADYS LEEMAN, LOCAL CHAIRMAN, PAGEANT ORGANIZING COMMITTEE. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you think that most people would say that teenage beauty pageants are a good idea? GLADYS Oh yah-sure, I know what some of your big city, no bra wearin', hairy-legged women's libbers say, "Pageants are old- fashioned" and, uh, and "demeaning" to the girls -- IRIS (jumping in) What's sick is women dressin' like men! Civil Servettes stare at her a beat. GLADYS Uh... You betcha, Iris. (quickly, back to camera) Yah-I think yous boys'll find that things are different here in Mount Rose... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) For one thing, y'know, we're God fearin' folk - every last one of us... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) You won't find a back room in our video store... Servettes AD-LIB "AMEN. YAH-YOU BETCHA." etc. GLADYS (cont'd) (V.O.) ...that filth is better left in the "Sin Cities." IRIS A.k.a. Minneapolis - St. Paul. PULL AWAY from MINNEAPOLIS SKYLINE to COUNTRYSIDE. EXT. QUAINT MAIN STREET The camera drives down the street. EXT. PICTURESQUE MIDDLE-CLASS NEIGHBORHOODS The camera drives down the street. EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE A HAPPY FAMILY raises the AMERICAN FLAG. EXT. SUBURBAN DRIVEWAY BURLY GUYS look up from washing a FORD TRUCK. EXT. TRAILER PARK Sign next to it reads: "Welcome to Mount Rose, Home of Freda Klinghagen, Minnesota's Oldest Living Lutheran" complete with a photo of the extremely old woman smiling and waving. EXT. CREW VAN An ELDERLY COUPLE looks in the passenger window of the van. ELDERLY MAN (MAYOR) Oh, yah-sure, Freda, yah. She was the oldest livin' Lutheran. Now she's dead as a doornail. It's them damn Shriners who ain't taken that Goddamn sign down yet - those lazy sons-a- bitches... I tells kem, I tells kem every goddamn year, "Take the Goddamn Freda sign down, you lazy sons-a-bitches!" SUPER: MAYOR OF MOUNT ROSE INT. GLADYS' VAN - DAY Through the window a family waves to Gladys. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY Two BOYS play basketball in the driveway of their home. EXT. FRONT LAWN - DAY SMALL CHILDREN in bathing suits play on a lawn. A boy shoots his water pistol. INT. LEEMAN STATION WAGON - AFTERNOON Civil Servettes and crew are piled in. Gladys drives. GLADYS ...Today's "To Do" list includes a trip to the Mall of America. We need outfits for the "Physical Fitness" number -- IRIS Nothin' too showy! GLADYS Y'betcha, Iris. We still need a third judge and we need to think of a theme. Servettes react with pleasure. IRIS Gladys -- Gladys! Look out! A CAR SWERVES. GLADYS Oh, my! (waving out window) Hello, Father Donigan! Sidewalks, sidewalks? Iris mimes drinking, "glug, glug." GLADYS (cont'd) Iris, stop! (to camera) It's not his fault. The communal wine just proves too temptin' for some of them. IRIS That's why we Lutherans use grape Koolaid for the blood of Christ. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA In the vast, already full parking lot, we see Gladys Leeman's station wagon searching for a parking spot. IRIS Oh, there's a parking space over there. Oh, no, that's just a compact. Sorry. GLADYS You'd think they'd build the parking lot of America to go with the Mall of America! Gladys pulls into a HANDICAPPED SPOT. Servettes and CAMERA stand outside the car. Iris points at the sign. IRIS It's a two-hundred dollar fine! GLADYS I said I'd move if a cripple came. Let's just run in the store and pick out some outfits. IRIS All right, let's go. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA PARKING LOT Iris and another Servette start to get out of the car. GLADYS Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! I just thought of the theme. Iris and the Servette stop. IRIS Oh! What is it? GLADYS (cont'd) "Proud...to be...an...American." Servettes react with pleasure. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOA PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So what was the theme of the pageant last year? GLADYS Last year? It was, "Buy American." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) And the year before that? GLADYS "U.S.A. is A-okay." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Can you remember the theme of your favorite pageant? GLADYS "Can I? I'm Amer-I-Can!" People ask me where I get this. I don't know, it's...maybe a gift from God or somethin'. INT. MOUNT ROSE HIGH - GYM - DAY PAN DOWN row of EIGHT GIRLS signing up and eating bars. SUPER: LOCAL PAGEANT REGISTRATION, MOUNT ROSE HIGH SCHOOL ANGLE ON LESLIE MILLER - sexy/peppy girl in CHEERLEADING UNIFORM. LESLIE MILLER ...Hi. (giggles) I'm Leslie Miller. I'm signin' up kcause-ah, y'know, I always watch pageants on the TV and my boyfriend thinks I'll win. SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, LESLIE MILLER She makes "gills" on the sides of her head with her hands. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) For my talent, I'm gonna be doing the.. Two FOOTBALL PLAYERS interrupt: PAT, her boyfriend, and BRETT, who smiles and gives a nod to Amber. Pat grabs Leslie and kisses her hard. LESLIE (cont'd) Uh, Pat, I'm trying to tell themabout my...Oh... Hormones take over and they lock lips again. She wraps her legs around him. He feels up her ass. They continue groping as her Washington Monument slips off. CUT TO: Leslie waves and blows kisses while performing a cheerleader chant. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) Hi, Pat! Go, Muskies! Whoo! INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM AMBER ATKINS - naturally pretty blonde, sweet as sugar pie, stares into camera like a deer caught in headlights. AMBER ATKINS (suddenly looking O.C.) Hi, I-I'm Amber Atkins and, um, I'm signin' up k'cause, ah, my two favorite people in the world competed. My mom and Diane Sawyer...Course I hope I end up a little more like Diane Sawyer than my mom... She flashes a GRIN, we melt. INT. FUNERAL HOME/EMBALMING ROOM - DAY Amber tap-dances as she applies make-up to a MALE CORPSE. SUPER: CONTESTANT #1, AMBER ATKINS DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you do any of the, uh, embalming? AMBER (laughing) Oh, my God, no. Oh, God. I just do the hair and makeup on the deceased. EXT. ROAD - DAY Amber tap dances at the side of the road as traffic passes. AMBER (V.O.) I'm lucky I have an after-school job where I can practice my talent. EXT. MOA PARKING LOT - DAY GLADYS Oh, yeah, sure. You know, every pageant is special, but this one is extra-special to me. When I was seventeen, I don't know if you know this, but I was crowned Mount Rose's American Teen Princess. And this year...drum roll please, my lovely daughter, Rebecca Ann Leeman is competin'. INT. HIGH SCHOOL REBECCA LEEMAN stands in front of Amber and addresses the camerman (O.S.). BECKY Is this my mark? (it is) Hi, I'm Rebecca Leeman. And I believe this pageant is an important experience for every young woman. It, well, it teaches you what's really important in life, and it has the power to change you in ways you've never dreamed of. INT. GUN RANGE Becky, in shooting goggles and ear muffs, FIRES a Glock- 17 9mm pistol with both hands. Sign on wall reads: "Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club." (See Iona in b.g. with an arsenal of sniper weaponry.) BECKY (yelling over noise) ...What?! Klinghagen thinks it'll all come down to me and Amber? Becky stops firing and takes off her hear muffs. BECKY (cont'd) Well, you have to take everything Mrs. Klinghagen says with a grain of salt. Not all your Catholics go to communion for the wafers, if you know what I mean... JUMP CUT TO: INT. LUTHERAN SISTERHOOD GUN RANGE - LATER Becky thumbs bullets into her magazine as she talks. BECKY ...Yah-my mom gave me this nine-mil for my thirteenth birthday... SUPER: CONTESTANT #6, BECKY LEEMAN I'll always remember what she wrote in the card. "Jesus loves winners." That's why, no matter what I do... She shoves the magazine back in her pistol. BECKY (cont'd) I aim to win. She smiles to camera, then violently fires off a few rounds. Zoom in on the MALE TARGET: several bullet holes in the head. INT. "NEW YORK, NEW YORK" BEDROOM - DAY It's all NEW YORK MEMORABILIA. Lisa Swenson - big bubbly girl - sits on her bed. LISA Why? Well, uh, it's kind of like askin', "Why do all the guys chew Copenhagen?" You know? I mean, if you're seventeen and you're not a total fry, it's just what you do. ETHEL MERMAN's "Everything's Coming Up Roses" PLAYS over speakers. SUPER: CONTESTANT #7, LISA SWENSON DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Have you decided what your talent is going to be yet? LISA I'm gonna sing and dance to, "New York, New York." See, I fell in love with The Big Apple last summer when I was visitin' my brother. He followed his dream to New York. PICKS UP 8x10's, shows to camera. LISA (cont'd) This is Peter as Liza. This is him as Madonna. Oh, here's me with him as Barbara... INT. "GERMAN SHEPHERD" BEDROOM - DAY TESS WEINHAUS, wearing an "I love German Shepherds" t- shirt. The room is filled with German Shepherd paraphernalia. TESS Uh... I don't know what my talent's gonna be yet... SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, TESS WEINHAUS TESS (cont'd) Kenny. Kenny, come. Come, Kenny. A DACHSHUND enters and jumps on her lap. TESS (cont'd) This is Kenny. Spike, my German Shepherd, went to live with a nice family on a farm after he attacked me. It wasn't his fault. I had beef jerky in my front pocket. (pulling up shirt) They re-made my belly with skin from my butt. DISSOLVE TO: INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY - DAY IONA HILDERBRANDT - librarian, 65+ - stamps books. SUPER: IONA HILDERBRANDT, MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS - 1945 IONA HILDERBRANTDT (smoked for sixty years) I was Mount Rose American Teen Princess in 1945. We were at war with the Japs. ANGLE ON A vintage B&W photograph of 18-year-old IONA HILDERBRANDT, looking surprised with hands on cheeks, is being crowned MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS by TWO SOLDIERS on a GYM STAGE. YOUNG IONA, wearing TIARA, stands with SOLDIERS and WAR OFFICIALS beside a boiling pot of metal. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (V.O.) (cont'd) I didn't even get to keep my damn tiara. Iona's about to drop her tiara into a recycling bin. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (cont'd) Had to turn it in for scrap. DISSOLVE TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM MOLLY HOWARD, a large white girl, sits between a JAPANESE COUPLE, Mr. and Mrs. HOWARD. SUPER: CONTESTANT #5, MOLLY HOWARD MR. HOWARD (heavy accent) ... So we adopt Molly three year ago when we come to America, to help acclimate us to American. MOLLY (smiling) To America, Dad. Mr. Howard laughs. MRS. HOWARD She all-American girl. She our American Teen Princess girl. MOLLY Oh, Mom... The Howard's biological daughter (they renamed her "TINA") ENTERS FRAME. Although she's the picture of beauty, grace, talent and charm, she represents their old life. TINA (in Japanese) Excuse me, Father, Mother, when are we moving back to Tokyo? I can't stand this place anymore. They put butter on everything. MR. HOWARD (turning, suddenly angry) English! English, you stupid little retard! We America now, Tina! TINA (perfect English) I'm sorry, Dad, but with all due respect, my name isn't "Tina," it's Seiko. MR. HOWARD Tina! Tina!! TINA!!! MRS. HOWARD "Robert," settle down. MR. HOWARD (screaming) AHHHHHH! Mr. Howard suddenly grabs his chest. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene. Mr. Howard is gone. TINA Mom, I just finished the third movement of that concerto I was working on. I put, like, this techno beat on this Japanese folk tune - wanna hear it? MR. HOWARD (running down the hall) No! We not like to hear it! Go to your room and shut up! TINA Oh, I almost forgot... (removing envelope from pocket) I got my acceptance to Tokyo University. MR. HOWARD What, you deaf? I say shut up-shut up- SHUT UP! (coming at camera) Cut her outta this! JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene on couch. MR. HOWARD Now Molly, tell movie man what you talent do. MOLLY I'll be line dancin'. MR. HOWARD (giving thumbs up) Country western! MRS. HOWARD Clint Black! Ruff! MR. HOWARD Hey, what he got I not got? They all laugh. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE CLOSE ON Michelle Johanson's face. MICHELLE ... Yah-I'll be performing a dramatic monologue. SUPER: CONTESTANT #2, MICHELLE JOHANSON MICHELLE (cont'd) Right now, I'm thinkin' "Othello" or... "Soylent Green." Lots of girls make a smooth transition from pageants into actin', y'know. SMASH CUT TO: LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) CONNIE, mid-30's, Midwestern attractive, wearing a sash and tiara, stands in front of a BLUE SCREEN of a FOREST. CONNIE Competin' for the title of Minnesota's American Teen Princess sure was excitin'. But, I never coulda won without my... PULL BACK to reveal a table full of PORK PRODUCTS. CONNIE (cont'd) St. Paul Pork Products! LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SCREEN CHANGES to OUTSIDE FACTORY/STOCK YARDS. Connie now wears a coat and hat and acts as if it's chilly. CONNIE (cont'd) I've been enjoyin' St. Paul Pork Products for years. I grew up right next to these stock yards. SCREEN CHANGES to VIDEO of a SLAUGHTER LINE. PIG CARCASSES move on hooks. Connie wears a hard hat and blood stained butcher's apron. CONNIE (cont'd) It's still the same family-run business that Walter and Vera Polarski started in 1920 when they raised and slaughtered their first pig. Connie grabs a HOT DOG from O.C. and takes a bite. CONNIE (cont'd) Mmm-mmmm. I just love St. Paul Pork Products. In fact, I love kem so much LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SLIDE CHANGES to VIDEO of the SAUSAGE LINE. Workers stuff sausages. Connie wears a white jumpsuit and hairnet. CONNIE (cont'd) I work here now! INT. BETZ LIVING ROOM - NIGHT MRS. BETZ, a large woman, holds a tray of bars. CREW MEMBERS REACH IN THE SHOT and help themselves. JANELLE BETZ sits on the couch, SIGNING EVERYTHING she says. JANELLE (slow, due to signing) ...My talent will be an interpretive dance while I sing, "Through the Eyes of Love." I have a dream of spreadin' sign language around the world... Mom? Would you be so kind? SUPER: CONTESTANT #8, JANELLE BETZ JANELLE (cont'd) Yeah. Well, see, uh, I have a dream of spreading sign language around the world. (to Mrs. Betz) Mom, would you be so kind. Mrs. Betz quickly puts down the bars and goes to the piano where she starts "Through the Eyes of Love." Janelle begins to gesticulate and sign words in an overly dramatic performance that looks like a bizarre seizure. SOUND occasionally DIPS OUT as the BOOM OPERATOR reaches for bars. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER TAMMY CURRY - a cute, jock-type. She wears a LETTER JACKET, covered with VARSITY SPORTS PATCHES. TAMMY CURRY Tammy Curry. I'm signin' up for the scholarship'n'all. SMASH CUT TO: INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM She POINTS to VARIOUS PATCHES on her LETTER JACKET. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) ...This one's for Varsity Soccer, uh, I'm captain. (pointing) I run track, and, uh... (points to small gun patch) Right here, I'm the new President of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club... ANGLE ON LSGC PRESIDENT logo patch. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) (O.S.) I love that one. EXT. FARM FIELD Shot from crew van. Sun is setting behind a lovely field of green. A John Deere Thresher travels across the burning red horizon. DOCUMENTARIAN (V.O.) Would you say you have a good chance to win this pageant? SUPER: CONTESTANT #9, TAMMY CURRY TAMMY (V.O.) Yeah, you bet I do. I mean, maybe other people think I can't win a beauty pageant. But other people didn't think I could beat out Becky Leeman for President of the gun club, either. And I did. I-I-It's just like Anthony Robbins says, "I'm a winner. Nobody can stop me but me!" KABLOOM! Tammy's John Deere thresher BLOWS UP! INT. LUTHERAN CHURCH BASEMENT - KITCHEN AREA - NIGHT CLOSE ON framed school photo of Tammy Curry. PULL BACK to see her letter jacket - scorched and torn (Lutheran Gun Club patch is MISSING) - and flowers. CONTINUE PULLING BACK to reveal both are surrounded by buns, bars and coffee on a long buffet table. A line of somber and repressed Lutherans help themselves to the food. Servettes stand at the ready. Gladys and Iris face the camera. GLADYS Well, you know, I think everyone's doing really well considering the fact that she was so young. IRIS It's always hard to see the young ones called home, especially on an exploding thresher. It's just so odd and gross. GLADYS You know that sometimes it's hard to understand God's great plan. IRIS Yeah. Iris pats Gladys on the shoulder. FEMALE MOURNER #1 May I have a tissue? GLADYS But the show must go on. (she faces Iris) I gotta get a hold of Ted and ask him if we can use that barn light as a spot again. So you watch the Jell-o salad, okay? IRIS All right. Okay. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER It's smokey as hell. THREE "FRY" GIRLS and a PREGNANT "FRY" GIRL - all with "shelf bangs" - smoke and drink. FRY GIRL #1 ...Oh, yeah-right. I ain't gonna be in no goddamn pageant! Look what happened to that dork-ass farm girl. PREGNANT FRY GIRL (O.C.) Tammy Curry? FRY GIRL #1 Yah-yah. Everyone says this is a big accident? She got iced because she wins everything, and this time someone didn't want her to win. PREGNANT FRY GIRL This pageant's like a roach motel. FRY GIRL #1 Girls check in, but they don't check out. PREGNANT FRY GIRL Yeah. And they say smokin' is bad for your health. FRY GIRL #1 (raising cigarette into frame) Yeah. EXT. OLD TWO STORY HOUSE - ESTABLISHING - DAY SIGN painted on GARAGE DOOR: "Dance Studio, Downstairs past the Laundry Room." CAMERA moves DOWNSTAIRS to converted basement. LISA SWENSON and two other large "ballerinas" practice at a 2x4/ballet barre. MOZART plays in the b.g. CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN watches and smokes. (Picture Betty Davis in her final days.) CHLORIS And tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. And repeat. Suck in the belly, girls, and tuck in the tushes! SUPER: CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN, CHOREOGRAPHER CHLORIS (cont'd) Close those legs! You look like a bunch of bowlegged cows! Other side. And...tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. CUT TO: Chloris smokes and talks to camera. "Ballerinas" practice. CHLORIS (cont'd) Yeah, you boys sure picked a good year. If I was a betting woman, and there was a line on this in Vegas, I'd lay down ten-to-one that it all comes down to Amber Atkins and Becky Leeman. Oh, sweet Jesus, what a showdown this could be if Cain and Abel... The SOUND RECORDIST enters and Lisa spins out of control, taking him out. She leans over and comforts him. LISA Ow! Oh, God. It's so em-so embarrassing. EST. SHOT - "DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC" - DAY MARY (V.O.) (labored breaths) My winning...the Mount Rose... INT. PATIENT'S ROOM - DAY SMILING ANOREXIC GIRL sits in bed - a TIARA in what's left of her hair and a SASH over her hospital gown. MARY ...American Teen Princess Pageant... SUPER: MARY JOHANSON, REIGNING MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS MARY (cont'd) ...really changed my life. The TIARA SLIPS OFF her BALDING HEAD and rolls to the floor. INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber fixes Mary's hair, carefully brushing her balding head. Mary smiles, oblivious. MARY (labored breaths) ...Amber does my hair...once a week. AMBER (flattered and embarrassed) Well...it's the least I can do for the reigning Mount Rose Junior Miss Amer-- Amber pulls the brush away with a clump of Mary's hair dangling from it. AMBER (cont'd) Oh God... MARY What? AMBER Huh? Oh...Uh, just a little snarl... Amber mouths, "Shhh! Don't tell!" to camera as she tries to pull the clump of hair from the brush. JUMP CUT TO: INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber ties the tiara and missing clump of hair to Mary's head with a ribbon. AMBER There we go. She holds the mirror for Mary. MARY (delusional) Beautiful... Maybe next week... a perm. AMBER Yah... sure... Amber gives a kind but worried smile to camera. Suddenly, Becky Leeman enters with a large box of chocolates. She's fully aware of the cameras from the moment she enters. BECKY Hellooo, Little Mary Sunshine! (pretending to notice camera) What?! Oh-oh my God! Lights! Camera! And me without a stitch of make-up on. What are you guys doin' here? She's in full make-up. AMBER What're you doin' here? BECKY Oh, Amber, like you're the only one who visits Mary. MARY (to Becky) Who are you? BECKY (covering) "Who are you?!" Oh Mary, you kill me. (to camera) She always says that. It's a little game we play. Every week - same dippy little look on her face. "Who are you - who are you?" Just like that. (in Mary's face) It's me - Becky - and I brought your favorites. Becky puts the chocolates on Mary's lap, a few spill. Throughout the following, Mary slowly reaches for them as if they're forbidden fruit and she's a very hungry Eve. AMBER How nice, Becky, she's anorexic. Becky roughly puts her hands over Mary's ears, who's now gently petting the spilled chocolates in her lap. BECKY (sotto, reprimanding tone) She's skinny, not deaf, Amber. EXT. TRAILER - LATE AFTERNOON MONTAGE - Amber taps around the mobile home community, HOME FROM SCHOOL - backpack, Walkman, cool music blaring. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber stands in a room the SIZE OF A CLOSET. Posters, articles and pictures of great tap dancers and Diane Sawyer cover the walls. AMBER ... Dreams? Yah-sure I got kem... Sometimes I dream of winnin'... I dream of gettin' outta Mount Rose and bein' a big time reporter like Diane Sawyer. I mean, guys get outta Mount Rose all the time for hockey scholarships or prison. But the pageant's kinda my only chance. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber points to LARGE PAGEANT PHOTO OF DIANE SAWYER - 1963 AMBER ... Yah-1963. Her beauty worked against her when she started as a reporter in Louisville, her hometown. Those were different times. ANNETTE (O.S.) (yelling, coughing) Hey, Amber, y'get my smokes? AMBER (smiling) That's my mom. (yelling) I'll get kem in a sec. ANNETTE ATKINS, Amber's mom - sexy, but tired - OPENS THE DOOR. ANNETTE (surprised by cameras) Oh shit! AMBER They're from L.A. They wanted to see my room and film me for their movie. ANNETTE (mock-touched, to crew) Oh... How quickly they grow up. (exiting, smiling) Hey, if they ask you to take off your shirt, get the money first. Annette is gone. ANNETTE (cont'd) (O.S.) And go get my smokes! JUMP CUT TO: EST. SHOT - LEEMAN FAMILY HOME - DAY Landscaped grounds surround this lovely two-story. INT. LEEMAN HOME - VARIOUS ROOMS Brief "LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH & FAMOUS" montage of Gladys showing off interiors to the theme from "GONE WITH THE WIND." INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY It looks like a Levitz showroom. Gladys sits stiffly between Becky and her husband, LESTER - mid-60's, gruff, "old school" salesman, drink in hand. LESTER ...You betcha. S'posed to be colder-n- a witches tit tonight... GLADYS (nervous laugh) Oh, Lester. He loves his weather, y'know. LESTER (looking to crew, O.S.) Hey, ya like it? Open it...Yah-the globe. Pull at the equator there. GLADYS We're not in the showroom, Dear. Banging and fumbling. A CORKSCREW flies into shot - CREW GUY quickly ENTERS SHOT and grabs it. LESTER Fits three full-size booze bottles. The cassette deck pulls outta Afghanistan, there. BECKY (embarrassed) Mommm... GLADYS Lester? LESTER Oh, all right (to camera) How soon they forget where all this comes from. BECKY Japan. LESTER That's enough, young lady. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER GLADYS "Impartial?" Outside this house I'm Gladys Leeman, President, Civil Servettes - impartial as the day is long. But we're inside my home now and I've gotta warn you, I'm wearin' my "wife apron" and "mom hat." So, I can safely say that I'm the mother of the most talented contestant Mount Rose has ever seen. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER Lester's gone from the couch. GLADYS I'll field that one - Rebecca's saving her voice. Becky smiles admiringly at Gladys. GLADYS (cont'd) You-betcha, Rebecca's ready. She's been singin' and dancin' since she was knee high to a pig's eye. Lester returns to the couch, large drink in hand. LESTER Yah-she's damn near as good as that little black fella - with the glass eye. GLADYS Sammy Davis, Jr., honey. LESTER Yeah, yeah, the Jew. BECKY Nice one, Dad. He's dead. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Same scene. BOYS' WRESTLING TEAM - tight singlets - runs laps around gym - between Servettes and camera. GLADYS ...Yah-then, for the "Judges Interview," each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges before the pageant... Gladys is distracted by the HARD, YOUNG bodies. All are. GLADYS Yes, the Judges Interview.. Each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges prior to the pageant. Then we have the... A HUNKY WRESTLER, TONY, waves. GLADYS (cont'd) Hello, Tony. TONY Hey. GLADYS "Hey" to

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Drop Dead Gorgeous Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> DROP DEAD GORGEOUS DROP DEAD GORGEOUS FADE IN: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - MINNESOTA - DAY Vintage black and white stock footage of some farms and farmhouses. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY Color footage of cotton fields passing by. We FREEZE and FADE TO BLACK. TITLE WIPES IN: 1995 MARKED THE FIFTIETH ANNIVERSARY OF THE NATION'S OLDEST BEAUTY CONTEST... THE SARAH ROSE COSMETICS AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS PAGEANT A DOCUMENTARY FILM CREW WAS SENT TO A SMALL TOWN IN MINNESOTA TO COMMEMORATE THIS OCCASSION. INT. PAGEANT AUDITORIUM - MOUNT ROSE - DAY Vintage blue-toned stock footage of a teenage beauty pageant contestant. LEGS WIPE IN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Sarah Rose knows you're a beautiful person.... Blue-toned stock footage of a long row of beauty pageant contestants on stage. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Sarah Rose knows you have an unusual talent. Sarah Rose knows you're a teenage girl. Blue-toned stock footage of the row of contestants parading down some steps from the stage as CAMERA TILTS DOWN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Mmm, and she definitely knows that you are ready for the ultimate teen glamour. ROUSING PATRIOTIC MUSIC. FAST PACED CUTS feature SMILING TEENAGE CONTESTANTS dancing and waving American flags. APPLAUSE! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant. Each contestant wears a BANNER ACROSS her dress reading: AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) And now, a few words... ANGLE ON Contestants DROP, ROLL and form a STAR. CHEERS! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) ...from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. ADAM WEST The American Teen Princess Pageant has been enriching the lives of American- made girls since 1945. TITLES FADE ON SCREEN: Adam West, TV's Batman, then FADE OUT. ADAM WEST (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant provides personal growth, scholarship, travel, and you... Numerous contestants stand up in SHOT and SURROUND ADAM. ADAM WEST (cont'd) ...might even meet a few celebrities. At the national level, thousands of seventeen year-old girls like yourselves. and compete around the country in places like: MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Beautiful Mount Rose, Minnesota. ADAM WEST And make it all the way here to Lincoln, Alabama, to compete for the title of American Teen Princess. LIGHTS come UP on the teenaged girls in the pageant as they pause. As they WAVE AMERICAN FLAGS. Adam West turns back to the camera. ADAM WEST (cont'd) And now, a few words from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. Contestants strike a pose around him. THUNDEROUS CANNED APPLAUSE! ADAM WEST (cont'd) (pointing to camera) So, which one of you will it b-- SCREEN SUDDENLY STATIC. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY SCENE from "DAYS OF OUR LIVES" PULL BACK to reveal the VIDEO is on a TV in front of a GROUP OF SEVENTEEN YEAR-OLD GIRLS, sitting in gym bleachers. [NOTE: The film is shot documentary style. PEOPLE ARE REAL. Their lives revolve around this pageant. All speak with a THICK MINNESOTA ACCENT.] THREE "CIVIL SERVETTES," the local women's group. [Picture unattractive Stepford Wives in matching windbreakers] stand beside GLADYS LEEMAN, 34, president. She STOPS THE VIDEO. GLADYS LEEMAN Good God, Iris, you taped your shows over it. IRIS Sorry. Gladys turns to the GIRLS in the bleachers. SUPER: MOUNT ROSE, MINNESOTA POPULATION: 5,076 GLADYS LEEMAN Now ladies, the rest of the tape - which is now gone forever - goes on about startin' this great American journey we call American Teen Princess...Yah-so, any of you young ladies who'd like to start on that journey, you just come right down here and sign up. And please...help yourselves to some coffee and bars... SMASH EDIT TO: Gladys seated with middle-aged women. GLADYS Showtime. SUPER: GLADYS LEEMAN, LOCAL CHAIRMAN, PAGEANT ORGANIZING COMMITTEE. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you think that most people would say that teenage beauty pageants are a good idea? GLADYS Oh yah-sure, I know what some of your big city, no bra wearin', hairy-legged women's libbers say, "Pageants are old- fashioned" and, uh, and "demeaning" to the girls -- IRIS (jumping in) What's sick is women dressin' like men! Civil Servettes stare at her a beat. GLADYS Uh... You betcha, Iris. (quickly, back to camera) Yah-I think yous boys'll find that things are different here in Mount Rose... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) For one thing, y'know, we're God fearin' folk - every last one of us... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) You won't find a back room in our video store... Servettes AD-LIB "AMEN. YAH-YOU BETCHA." etc. GLADYS (cont'd) (V.O.) ...that filth is better left in the "Sin Cities." IRIS A.k.a. Minneapolis - St. Paul. PULL AWAY from MINNEAPOLIS SKYLINE to COUNTRYSIDE. EXT. QUAINT MAIN STREET The camera drives down the street. EXT. PICTURESQUE MIDDLE-CLASS NEIGHBORHOODS The camera drives down the street. EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE A HAPPY FAMILY raises the AMERICAN FLAG. EXT. SUBURBAN DRIVEWAY BURLY GUYS look up from washing a FORD TRUCK. EXT. TRAILER PARK Sign next to it reads: "Welcome to Mount Rose, Home of Freda Klinghagen, Minnesota's Oldest Living Lutheran" complete with a photo of the extremely old woman smiling and waving. EXT. CREW VAN An ELDERLY COUPLE looks in the passenger window of the van. ELDERLY MAN (MAYOR) Oh, yah-sure, Freda, yah. She was the oldest livin' Lutheran. Now she's dead as a doornail. It's them damn Shriners who ain't taken that Goddamn sign down yet - those lazy sons-a- bitches... I tells kem, I tells kem every goddamn year, "Take the Goddamn Freda sign down, you lazy sons-a-bitches!" SUPER: MAYOR OF MOUNT ROSE INT. GLADYS' VAN - DAY Through the window a family waves to Gladys. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY Two BOYS play basketball in the driveway of their home. EXT. FRONT LAWN - DAY SMALL CHILDREN in bathing suits play on a lawn. A boy shoots his water pistol. INT. LEEMAN STATION WAGON - AFTERNOON Civil Servettes and crew are piled in. Gladys drives. GLADYS ...Today's "To Do" list includes a trip to the Mall of America. We need outfits for the "Physical Fitness" number -- IRIS Nothin' too showy! GLADYS Y'betcha, Iris. We still need a third judge and we need to think of a theme. Servettes react with pleasure. IRIS Gladys -- Gladys! Look out! A CAR SWERVES. GLADYS Oh, my! (waving out window) Hello, Father Donigan! Sidewalks, sidewalks? Iris mimes drinking, "glug, glug." GLADYS (cont'd) Iris, stop! (to camera) It's not his fault. The communal wine just proves too temptin' for some of them. IRIS That's why we Lutherans use grape Koolaid for the blood of Christ. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA In the vast, already full parking lot, we see Gladys Leeman's station wagon searching for a parking spot. IRIS Oh, there's a parking space over there. Oh, no, that's just a compact. Sorry. GLADYS You'd think they'd build the parking lot of America to go with the Mall of America! Gladys pulls into a HANDICAPPED SPOT. Servettes and CAMERA stand outside the car. Iris points at the sign. IRIS It's a two-hundred dollar fine! GLADYS I said I'd move if a cripple came. Let's just run in the store and pick out some outfits. IRIS All right, let's go. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA PARKING LOT Iris and another Servette start to get out of the car. GLADYS Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! I just thought of the theme. Iris and the Servette stop. IRIS Oh! What is it? GLADYS (cont'd) "Proud...to be...an...American." Servettes react with pleasure. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOA PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So what was the theme of the pageant last year? GLADYS Last year? It was, "Buy American." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) And the year before that? GLADYS "U.S.A. is A-okay." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Can you remember the theme of your favorite pageant? GLADYS "Can I? I'm Amer-I-Can!" People ask me where I get this. I don't know, it's...maybe a gift from God or somethin'. INT. MOUNT ROSE HIGH - GYM - DAY PAN DOWN row of EIGHT GIRLS signing up and eating bars. SUPER: LOCAL PAGEANT REGISTRATION, MOUNT ROSE HIGH SCHOOL ANGLE ON LESLIE MILLER - sexy/peppy girl in CHEERLEADING UNIFORM. LESLIE MILLER ...Hi. (giggles) I'm Leslie Miller. I'm signin' up kcause-ah, y'know, I always watch pageants on the TV and my boyfriend thinks I'll win. SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, LESLIE MILLER She makes "gills" on the sides of her head with her hands. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) For my talent, I'm gonna be doing the.. Two FOOTBALL PLAYERS interrupt: PAT, her boyfriend, and BRETT, who smiles and gives a nod to Amber. Pat grabs Leslie and kisses her hard. LESLIE (cont'd) Uh, Pat, I'm trying to tell themabout my...Oh... Hormones take over and they lock lips again. She wraps her legs around him. He feels up her ass. They continue groping as her Washington Monument slips off. CUT TO: Leslie waves and blows kisses while performing a cheerleader chant. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) Hi, Pat! Go, Muskies! Whoo! INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM AMBER ATKINS - naturally pretty blonde, sweet as sugar pie, stares into camera like a deer caught in headlights. AMBER ATKINS (suddenly looking O.C.) Hi, I-I'm Amber Atkins and, um, I'm signin' up k'cause, ah, my two favorite people in the world competed. My mom and Diane Sawyer...Course I hope I end up a little more like Diane Sawyer than my mom... She flashes a GRIN, we melt. INT. FUNERAL HOME/EMBALMING ROOM - DAY Amber tap-dances as she applies make-up to a MALE CORPSE. SUPER: CONTESTANT #1, AMBER ATKINS DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you do any of the, uh, embalming? AMBER (laughing) Oh, my God, no. Oh, God. I just do the hair and makeup on the deceased. EXT. ROAD - DAY Amber tap dances at the side of the road as traffic passes. AMBER (V.O.) I'm lucky I have an after-school job where I can practice my talent. EXT. MOA PARKING LOT - DAY GLADYS Oh, yeah, sure. You know, every pageant is special, but this one is extra-special to me. When I was seventeen, I don't know if you know this, but I was crowned Mount Rose's American Teen Princess. And this year...drum roll please, my lovely daughter, Rebecca Ann Leeman is competin'. INT. HIGH SCHOOL REBECCA LEEMAN stands in front of Amber and addresses the camerman (O.S.). BECKY Is this my mark? (it is) Hi, I'm Rebecca Leeman. And I believe this pageant is an important experience for every young woman. It, well, it teaches you what's really important in life, and it has the power to change you in ways you've never dreamed of. INT. GUN RANGE Becky, in shooting goggles and ear muffs, FIRES a Glock- 17 9mm pistol with both hands. Sign on wall reads: "Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club." (See Iona in b.g. with an arsenal of sniper weaponry.) BECKY (yelling over noise) ...What?! Klinghagen thinks it'll all come down to me and Amber? Becky stops firing and takes off her hear muffs. BECKY (cont'd) Well, you have to take everything Mrs. Klinghagen says with a grain of salt. Not all your Catholics go to communion for the wafers, if you know what I mean... JUMP CUT TO: INT. LUTHERAN SISTERHOOD GUN RANGE - LATER Becky thumbs bullets into her magazine as she talks. BECKY ...Yah-my mom gave me this nine-mil for my thirteenth birthday... SUPER: CONTESTANT #6, BECKY LEEMAN I'll always remember what she wrote in the card. "Jesus loves winners." That's why, no matter what I do... She shoves the magazine back in her pistol. BECKY (cont'd) I aim to win. She smiles to camera, then violently fires off a few rounds. Zoom in on the MALE TARGET: several bullet holes in the head. INT. "NEW YORK, NEW YORK" BEDROOM - DAY It's all NEW YORK MEMORABILIA. Lisa Swenson - big bubbly girl - sits on her bed. LISA Why? Well, uh, it's kind of like askin', "Why do all the guys chew Copenhagen?" You know? I mean, if you're seventeen and you're not a total fry, it's just what you do. ETHEL MERMAN's "Everything's Coming Up Roses" PLAYS over speakers. SUPER: CONTESTANT #7, LISA SWENSON DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Have you decided what your talent is going to be yet? LISA I'm gonna sing and dance to, "New York, New York." See, I fell in love with The Big Apple last summer when I was visitin' my brother. He followed his dream to New York. PICKS UP 8x10's, shows to camera. LISA (cont'd) This is Peter as Liza. This is him as Madonna. Oh, here's me with him as Barbara... INT. "GERMAN SHEPHERD" BEDROOM - DAY TESS WEINHAUS, wearing an "I love German Shepherds" t- shirt. The room is filled with German Shepherd paraphernalia. TESS Uh... I don't know what my talent's gonna be yet... SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, TESS WEINHAUS TESS (cont'd) Kenny. Kenny, come. Come, Kenny. A DACHSHUND enters and jumps on her lap. TESS (cont'd) This is Kenny. Spike, my German Shepherd, went to live with a nice family on a farm after he attacked me. It wasn't his fault. I had beef jerky in my front pocket. (pulling up shirt) They re-made my belly with skin from my butt. DISSOLVE TO: INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY - DAY IONA HILDERBRANDT - librarian, 65+ - stamps books. SUPER: IONA HILDERBRANDT, MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS - 1945 IONA HILDERBRANTDT (smoked for sixty years) I was Mount Rose American Teen Princess in 1945. We were at war with the Japs. ANGLE ON A vintage B&W photograph of 18-year-old IONA HILDERBRANDT, looking surprised with hands on cheeks, is being crowned MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS by TWO SOLDIERS on a GYM STAGE. YOUNG IONA, wearing TIARA, stands with SOLDIERS and WAR OFFICIALS beside a boiling pot of metal. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (V.O.) (cont'd) I didn't even get to keep my damn tiara. Iona's about to drop her tiara into a recycling bin. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (cont'd) Had to turn it in for scrap. DISSOLVE TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM MOLLY HOWARD, a large white girl, sits between a JAPANESE COUPLE, Mr. and Mrs. HOWARD. SUPER: CONTESTANT #5, MOLLY HOWARD MR. HOWARD (heavy accent) ... So we adopt Molly three year ago when we come to America, to help acclimate us to American. MOLLY (smiling) To America, Dad. Mr. Howard laughs. MRS. HOWARD She all-American girl. She our American Teen Princess girl. MOLLY Oh, Mom... The Howard's biological daughter (they renamed her "TINA") ENTERS FRAME. Although she's the picture of beauty, grace, talent and charm, she represents their old life. TINA (in Japanese) Excuse me, Father, Mother, when are we moving back to Tokyo? I can't stand this place anymore. They put butter on everything. MR. HOWARD (turning, suddenly angry) English! English, you stupid little retard! We America now, Tina! TINA (perfect English) I'm sorry, Dad, but with all due respect, my name isn't "Tina," it's Seiko. MR. HOWARD Tina! Tina!! TINA!!! MRS. HOWARD "Robert," settle down. MR. HOWARD (screaming) AHHHHHH! Mr. Howard suddenly grabs his chest. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene. Mr. Howard is gone. TINA Mom, I just finished the third movement of that concerto I was working on. I put, like, this techno beat on this Japanese folk tune - wanna hear it? MR. HOWARD (running down the hall) No! We not like to hear it! Go to your room and shut up! TINA Oh, I almost forgot... (removing envelope from pocket) I got my acceptance to Tokyo University. MR. HOWARD What, you deaf? I say shut up-shut up- SHUT UP! (coming at camera) Cut her outta this! JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene on couch. MR. HOWARD Now Molly, tell movie man what you talent do. MOLLY I'll be line dancin'. MR. HOWARD (giving thumbs up) Country western! MRS. HOWARD Clint Black! Ruff! MR. HOWARD Hey, what he got I not got? They all laugh. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE CLOSE ON Michelle Johanson's face. MICHELLE ... Yah-I'll be performing a dramatic monologue. SUPER: CONTESTANT #2, MICHELLE JOHANSON MICHELLE (cont'd) Right now, I'm thinkin' "Othello" or... "Soylent Green." Lots of girls make a smooth transition from pageants into actin', y'know. SMASH CUT TO: LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) CONNIE, mid-30's, Midwestern attractive, wearing a sash and tiara, stands in front of a BLUE SCREEN of a FOREST. CONNIE Competin' for the title of Minnesota's American Teen Princess sure was excitin'. But, I never coulda won without my... PULL BACK to reveal a table full of PORK PRODUCTS. CONNIE (cont'd) St. Paul Pork Products! LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SCREEN CHANGES to OUTSIDE FACTORY/STOCK YARDS. Connie now wears a coat and hat and acts as if it's chilly. CONNIE (cont'd) I've been enjoyin' St. Paul Pork Products for years. I grew up right next to these stock yards. SCREEN CHANGES to VIDEO of a SLAUGHTER LINE. PIG CARCASSES move on hooks. Connie wears a hard hat and blood stained butcher's apron. CONNIE (cont'd) It's still the same family-run business that Walter and Vera Polarski started in 1920 when they raised and slaughtered their first pig. Connie grabs a HOT DOG from O.C. and takes a bite. CONNIE (cont'd) Mmm-mmmm. I just love St. Paul Pork Products. In fact, I love kem so much LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SLIDE CHANGES to VIDEO of the SAUSAGE LINE. Workers stuff sausages. Connie wears a white jumpsuit and hairnet. CONNIE (cont'd) I work here now! INT. BETZ LIVING ROOM - NIGHT MRS. BETZ, a large woman, holds a tray of bars. CREW MEMBERS REACH IN THE SHOT and help themselves. JANELLE BETZ sits on the couch, SIGNING EVERYTHING she says. JANELLE (slow, due to signing) ...My talent will be an interpretive dance while I sing, "Through the Eyes of Love." I have a dream of spreadin' sign language around the world... Mom? Would you be so kind? SUPER: CONTESTANT #8, JANELLE BETZ JANELLE (cont'd) Yeah. Well, see, uh, I have a dream of spreading sign language around the world. (to Mrs. Betz) Mom, would you be so kind. Mrs. Betz quickly puts down the bars and goes to the piano where she starts "Through the Eyes of Love." Janelle begins to gesticulate and sign words in an overly dramatic performance that looks like a bizarre seizure. SOUND occasionally DIPS OUT as the BOOM OPERATOR reaches for bars. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER TAMMY CURRY - a cute, jock-type. She wears a LETTER JACKET, covered with VARSITY SPORTS PATCHES. TAMMY CURRY Tammy Curry. I'm signin' up for the scholarship'n'all. SMASH CUT TO: INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM She POINTS to VARIOUS PATCHES on her LETTER JACKET. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) ...This one's for Varsity Soccer, uh, I'm captain. (pointing) I run track, and, uh... (points to small gun patch) Right here, I'm the new President of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club... ANGLE ON LSGC PRESIDENT logo patch. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) (O.S.) I love that one. EXT. FARM FIELD Shot from crew van. Sun is setting behind a lovely field of green. A John Deere Thresher travels across the burning red horizon. DOCUMENTARIAN (V.O.) Would you say you have a good chance to win this pageant? SUPER: CONTESTANT #9, TAMMY CURRY TAMMY (V.O.) Yeah, you bet I do. I mean, maybe other people think I can't win a beauty pageant. But other people didn't think I could beat out Becky Leeman for President of the gun club, either. And I did. I-I-It's just like Anthony Robbins says, "I'm a winner. Nobody can stop me but me!" KABLOOM! Tammy's John Deere thresher BLOWS UP! INT. LUTHERAN CHURCH BASEMENT - KITCHEN AREA - NIGHT CLOSE ON framed school photo of Tammy Curry. PULL BACK to see her letter jacket - scorched and torn (Lutheran Gun Club patch is MISSING) - and flowers. CONTINUE PULLING BACK to reveal both are surrounded by buns, bars and coffee on a long buffet table. A line of somber and repressed Lutherans help themselves to the food. Servettes stand at the ready. Gladys and Iris face the camera. GLADYS Well, you know, I think everyone's doing really well considering the fact that she was so young. IRIS It's always hard to see the young ones called home, especially on an exploding thresher. It's just so odd and gross. GLADYS You know that sometimes it's hard to understand God's great plan. IRIS Yeah. Iris pats Gladys on the shoulder. FEMALE MOURNER #1 May I have a tissue? GLADYS But the show must go on. (she faces Iris) I gotta get a hold of Ted and ask him if we can use that barn light as a spot again. So you watch the Jell-o salad, okay? IRIS All right. Okay. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER It's smokey as hell. THREE "FRY" GIRLS and a PREGNANT "FRY" GIRL - all with "shelf bangs" - smoke and drink. FRY GIRL #1 ...Oh, yeah-right. I ain't gonna be in no goddamn pageant! Look what happened to that dork-ass farm girl. PREGNANT FRY GIRL (O.C.) Tammy Curry? FRY GIRL #1 Yah-yah. Everyone says this is a big accident? She got iced because she wins everything, and this time someone didn't want her to win. PREGNANT FRY GIRL This pageant's like a roach motel. FRY GIRL #1 Girls check in, but they don't check out. PREGNANT FRY GIRL Yeah. And they say smokin' is bad for your health. FRY GIRL #1 (raising cigarette into frame) Yeah. EXT. OLD TWO STORY HOUSE - ESTABLISHING - DAY SIGN painted on GARAGE DOOR: "Dance Studio, Downstairs past the Laundry Room." CAMERA moves DOWNSTAIRS to converted basement. LISA SWENSON and two other large "ballerinas" practice at a 2x4/ballet barre. MOZART plays in the b.g. CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN watches and smokes. (Picture Betty Davis in her final days.) CHLORIS And tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. And repeat. Suck in the belly, girls, and tuck in the tushes! SUPER: CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN, CHOREOGRAPHER CHLORIS (cont'd) Close those legs! You look like a bunch of bowlegged cows! Other side. And...tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. CUT TO: Chloris smokes and talks to camera. "Ballerinas" practice. CHLORIS (cont'd) Yeah, you boys sure picked a good year. If I was a betting woman, and there was a line on this in Vegas, I'd lay down ten-to-one that it all comes down to Amber Atkins and Becky Leeman. Oh, sweet Jesus, what a showdown this could be if Cain and Abel... The SOUND RECORDIST enters and Lisa spins out of control, taking him out. She leans over and comforts him. LISA Ow! Oh, God. It's so em-so embarrassing. EST. SHOT - "DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC" - DAY MARY (V.O.) (labored breaths) My winning...the Mount Rose... INT. PATIENT'S ROOM - DAY SMILING ANOREXIC GIRL sits in bed - a TIARA in what's left of her hair and a SASH over her hospital gown. MARY ...American Teen Princess Pageant... SUPER: MARY JOHANSON, REIGNING MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS MARY (cont'd) ...really changed my life. The TIARA SLIPS OFF her BALDING HEAD and rolls to the floor. INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber fixes Mary's hair, carefully brushing her balding head. Mary smiles, oblivious. MARY (labored breaths) ...Amber does my hair...once a week. AMBER (flattered and embarrassed) Well...it's the least I can do for the reigning Mount Rose Junior Miss Amer-- Amber pulls the brush away with a clump of Mary's hair dangling from it. AMBER (cont'd) Oh God... MARY What? AMBER Huh? Oh...Uh, just a little snarl... Amber mouths, "Shhh! Don't tell!" to camera as she tries to pull the clump of hair from the brush. JUMP CUT TO: INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber ties the tiara and missing clump of hair to Mary's head with a ribbon. AMBER There we go. She holds the mirror for Mary. MARY (delusional) Beautiful... Maybe next week... a perm. AMBER Yah... sure... Amber gives a kind but worried smile to camera. Suddenly, Becky Leeman enters with a large box of chocolates. She's fully aware of the cameras from the moment she enters. BECKY Hellooo, Little Mary Sunshine! (pretending to notice camera) What?! Oh-oh my God! Lights! Camera! And me without a stitch of make-up on. What are you guys doin' here? She's in full make-up. AMBER What're you doin' here? BECKY Oh, Amber, like you're the only one who visits Mary. MARY (to Becky) Who are you? BECKY (covering) "Who are you?!" Oh Mary, you kill me. (to camera) She always says that. It's a little game we play. Every week - same dippy little look on her face. "Who are you - who are you?" Just like that. (in Mary's face) It's me - Becky - and I brought your favorites. Becky puts the chocolates on Mary's lap, a few spill. Throughout the following, Mary slowly reaches for them as if they're forbidden fruit and she's a very hungry Eve. AMBER How nice, Becky, she's anorexic. Becky roughly puts her hands over Mary's ears, who's now gently petting the spilled chocolates in her lap. BECKY (sotto, reprimanding tone) She's skinny, not deaf, Amber. EXT. TRAILER - LATE AFTERNOON MONTAGE - Amber taps around the mobile home community, HOME FROM SCHOOL - backpack, Walkman, cool music blaring. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber stands in a room the SIZE OF A CLOSET. Posters, articles and pictures of great tap dancers and Diane Sawyer cover the walls. AMBER ... Dreams? Yah-sure I got kem... Sometimes I dream of winnin'... I dream of gettin' outta Mount Rose and bein' a big time reporter like Diane Sawyer. I mean, guys get outta Mount Rose all the time for hockey scholarships or prison. But the pageant's kinda my only chance. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber points to LARGE PAGEANT PHOTO OF DIANE SAWYER - 1963 AMBER ... Yah-1963. Her beauty worked against her when she started as a reporter in Louisville, her hometown. Those were different times. ANNETTE (O.S.) (yelling, coughing) Hey, Amber, y'get my smokes? AMBER (smiling) That's my mom. (yelling) I'll get kem in a sec. ANNETTE ATKINS, Amber's mom - sexy, but tired - OPENS THE DOOR. ANNETTE (surprised by cameras) Oh shit! AMBER They're from L.A. They wanted to see my room and film me for their movie. ANNETTE (mock-touched, to crew) Oh... How quickly they grow up. (exiting, smiling) Hey, if they ask you to take off your shirt, get the money first. Annette is gone. ANNETTE (cont'd) (O.S.) And go get my smokes! JUMP CUT TO: EST. SHOT - LEEMAN FAMILY HOME - DAY Landscaped grounds surround this lovely two-story. INT. LEEMAN HOME - VARIOUS ROOMS Brief "LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH & FAMOUS" montage of Gladys showing off interiors to the theme from "GONE WITH THE WIND." INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY It looks like a Levitz showroom. Gladys sits stiffly between Becky and her husband, LESTER - mid-60's, gruff, "old school" salesman, drink in hand. LESTER ...You betcha. S'posed to be colder-n- a witches tit tonight... GLADYS (nervous laugh) Oh, Lester. He loves his weather, y'know. LESTER (looking to crew, O.S.) Hey, ya like it? Open it...Yah-the globe. Pull at the equator there. GLADYS We're not in the showroom, Dear. Banging and fumbling. A CORKSCREW flies into shot - CREW GUY quickly ENTERS SHOT and grabs it. LESTER Fits three full-size booze bottles. The cassette deck pulls outta Afghanistan, there. BECKY (embarrassed) Mommm... GLADYS Lester? LESTER Oh, all right (to camera) How soon they forget where all this comes from. BECKY Japan. LESTER That's enough, young lady. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER GLADYS "Impartial?" Outside this house I'm Gladys Leeman, President, Civil Servettes - impartial as the day is long. But we're inside my home now and I've gotta warn you, I'm wearin' my "wife apron" and "mom hat." So, I can safely say that I'm the mother of the most talented contestant Mount Rose has ever seen. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER Lester's gone from the couch. GLADYS I'll field that one - Rebecca's saving her voice. Becky smiles admiringly at Gladys. GLADYS (cont'd) You-betcha, Rebecca's ready. She's been singin' and dancin' since she was knee high to a pig's eye. Lester returns to the couch, large drink in hand. LESTER Yah-she's damn near as good as that little black fella - with the glass eye. GLADYS Sammy Davis, Jr., honey. LESTER Yeah, yeah, the Jew. BECKY Nice one, Dad. He's dead. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Same scene. BOYS' WRESTLING TEAM - tight singlets - runs laps around gym - between Servettes and camera. GLADYS ...Yah-then, for the "Judges Interview," each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges before the pageant... Gladys is distracted by the HARD, YOUNG bodies. All are. GLADYS Yes, the Judges Interview.. Each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges prior to the pageant. Then we have the... A HUNKY WRESTLER, TONY, waves. GLADYS (cont'd) Hello, Tony. TONY Hey. GLADYS "Hey" to

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Drop Dead Gorgeous Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> DROP DEAD GORGEOUS DROP DEAD GORGEOUS FADE IN: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - MINNESOTA - DAY Vintage black and white stock footage of some farms and farmhouses. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY Color footage of cotton fields passing by. We FREEZE and FADE TO BLACK. TITLE WIPES IN: 1995 MARKED THE FIFTIETH ANNIVERSARY OF THE NATION'S OLDEST BEAUTY CONTEST... THE SARAH ROSE COSMETICS AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS PAGEANT A DOCUMENTARY FILM CREW WAS SENT TO A SMALL TOWN IN MINNESOTA TO COMMEMORATE THIS OCCASSION. INT. PAGEANT AUDITORIUM - MOUNT ROSE - DAY Vintage blue-toned stock footage of a teenage beauty pageant contestant. LEGS WIPE IN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Sarah Rose knows you're a beautiful person.... Blue-toned stock footage of a long row of beauty pageant contestants on stage. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Sarah Rose knows you have an unusual talent. Sarah Rose knows you're a teenage girl. Blue-toned stock footage of the row of contestants parading down some steps from the stage as CAMERA TILTS DOWN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Mmm, and she definitely knows that you are ready for the ultimate teen glamour. ROUSING PATRIOTIC MUSIC. FAST PACED CUTS feature SMILING TEENAGE CONTESTANTS dancing and waving American flags. APPLAUSE! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant. Each contestant wears a BANNER ACROSS her dress reading: AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) And now, a few words... ANGLE ON Contestants DROP, ROLL and form a STAR. CHEERS! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) ...from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. ADAM WEST The American Teen Princess Pageant has been enriching the lives of American- made girls since 1945. TITLES FADE ON SCREEN: Adam West, TV's Batman, then FADE OUT. ADAM WEST (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant provides personal growth, scholarship, travel, and you... Numerous contestants stand up in SHOT and SURROUND ADAM. ADAM WEST (cont'd) ...might even meet a few celebrities. At the national level, thousands of seventeen year-old girls like yourselves. and compete around the country in places like: MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Beautiful Mount Rose, Minnesota. ADAM WEST And make it all the way here to Lincoln, Alabama, to compete for the title of American Teen Princess. LIGHTS come UP on the teenaged girls in the pageant as they pause. As they WAVE AMERICAN FLAGS. Adam West turns back to the camera. ADAM WEST (cont'd) And now, a few words from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. Contestants strike a pose around him. THUNDEROUS CANNED APPLAUSE! ADAM WEST (cont'd) (pointing to camera) So, which one of you will it b-- SCREEN SUDDENLY STATIC. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY SCENE from "DAYS OF OUR LIVES" PULL BACK to reveal the VIDEO is on a TV in front of a GROUP OF SEVENTEEN YEAR-OLD GIRLS, sitting in gym bleachers. [NOTE: The film is shot documentary style. PEOPLE ARE REAL. Their lives revolve around this pageant. All speak with a THICK MINNESOTA ACCENT.] THREE "CIVIL SERVETTES," the local women's group. [Picture unattractive Stepford Wives in matching windbreakers] stand beside GLADYS LEEMAN, 34, president. She STOPS THE VIDEO. GLADYS LEEMAN Good God, Iris, you taped your shows over it. IRIS Sorry. Gladys turns to the GIRLS in the bleachers. SUPER: MOUNT ROSE, MINNESOTA POPULATION: 5,076 GLADYS LEEMAN Now ladies, the rest of the tape - which is now gone forever - goes on about startin' this great American journey we call American Teen Princess...Yah-so, any of you young ladies who'd like to start on that journey, you just come right down here and sign up. And please...help yourselves to some coffee and bars... SMASH EDIT TO: Gladys seated with middle-aged women. GLADYS Showtime. SUPER: GLADYS LEEMAN, LOCAL CHAIRMAN, PAGEANT ORGANIZING COMMITTEE. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you think that most people would say that teenage beauty pageants are a good idea? GLADYS Oh yah-sure, I know what some of your big city, no bra wearin', hairy-legged women's libbers say, "Pageants are old- fashioned" and, uh, and "demeaning" to the girls -- IRIS (jumping in) What's sick is women dressin' like men! Civil Servettes stare at her a beat. GLADYS Uh... You betcha, Iris. (quickly, back to camera) Yah-I think yous boys'll find that things are different here in Mount Rose... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) For one thing, y'know, we're God fearin' folk - every last one of us... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) You won't find a back room in our video store... Servettes AD-LIB "AMEN. YAH-YOU BETCHA." etc. GLADYS (cont'd) (V.O.) ...that filth is better left in the "Sin Cities." IRIS A.k.a. Minneapolis - St. Paul. PULL AWAY from MINNEAPOLIS SKYLINE to COUNTRYSIDE. EXT. QUAINT MAIN STREET The camera drives down the street. EXT. PICTURESQUE MIDDLE-CLASS NEIGHBORHOODS The camera drives down the street. EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE A HAPPY FAMILY raises the AMERICAN FLAG. EXT. SUBURBAN DRIVEWAY BURLY GUYS look up from washing a FORD TRUCK. EXT. TRAILER PARK Sign next to it reads: "Welcome to Mount Rose, Home of Freda Klinghagen, Minnesota's Oldest Living Lutheran" complete with a photo of the extremely old woman smiling and waving. EXT. CREW VAN An ELDERLY COUPLE looks in the passenger window of the van. ELDERLY MAN (MAYOR) Oh, yah-sure, Freda, yah. She was the oldest livin' Lutheran. Now she's dead as a doornail. It's them damn Shriners who ain't taken that Goddamn sign down yet - those lazy sons-a- bitches... I tells kem, I tells kem every goddamn year, "Take the Goddamn Freda sign down, you lazy sons-a-bitches!" SUPER: MAYOR OF MOUNT ROSE INT. GLADYS' VAN - DAY Through the window a family waves to Gladys. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY Two BOYS play basketball in the driveway of their home. EXT. FRONT LAWN - DAY SMALL CHILDREN in bathing suits play on a lawn. A boy shoots his water pistol. INT. LEEMAN STATION WAGON - AFTERNOON Civil Servettes and crew are piled in. Gladys drives. GLADYS ...Today's "To Do" list includes a trip to the Mall of America. We need outfits for the "Physical Fitness" number -- IRIS Nothin' too showy! GLADYS Y'betcha, Iris. We still need a third judge and we need to think of a theme. Servettes react with pleasure. IRIS Gladys -- Gladys! Look out! A CAR SWERVES. GLADYS Oh, my! (waving out window) Hello, Father Donigan! Sidewalks, sidewalks? Iris mimes drinking, "glug, glug." GLADYS (cont'd) Iris, stop! (to camera) It's not his fault. The communal wine just proves too temptin' for some of them. IRIS That's why we Lutherans use grape Koolaid for the blood of Christ. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA In the vast, already full parking lot, we see Gladys Leeman's station wagon searching for a parking spot. IRIS Oh, there's a parking space over there. Oh, no, that's just a compact. Sorry. GLADYS You'd think they'd build the parking lot of America to go with the Mall of America! Gladys pulls into a HANDICAPPED SPOT. Servettes and CAMERA stand outside the car. Iris points at the sign. IRIS It's a two-hundred dollar fine! GLADYS I said I'd move if a cripple came. Let's just run in the store and pick out some outfits. IRIS All right, let's go. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA PARKING LOT Iris and another Servette start to get out of the car. GLADYS Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! I just thought of the theme. Iris and the Servette stop. IRIS Oh! What is it? GLADYS (cont'd) "Proud...to be...an...American." Servettes react with pleasure. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOA PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So what was the theme of the pageant last year? GLADYS Last year? It was, "Buy American." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) And the year before that? GLADYS "U.S.A. is A-okay." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Can you remember the theme of your favorite pageant? GLADYS "Can I? I'm Amer-I-Can!" People ask me where I get this. I don't know, it's...maybe a gift from God or somethin'. INT. MOUNT ROSE HIGH - GYM - DAY PAN DOWN row of EIGHT GIRLS signing up and eating bars. SUPER: LOCAL PAGEANT REGISTRATION, MOUNT ROSE HIGH SCHOOL ANGLE ON LESLIE MILLER - sexy/peppy girl in CHEERLEADING UNIFORM. LESLIE MILLER ...Hi. (giggles) I'm Leslie Miller. I'm signin' up kcause-ah, y'know, I always watch pageants on the TV and my boyfriend thinks I'll win. SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, LESLIE MILLER She makes "gills" on the sides of her head with her hands. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) For my talent, I'm gonna be doing the.. Two FOOTBALL PLAYERS interrupt: PAT, her boyfriend, and BRETT, who smiles and gives a nod to Amber. Pat grabs Leslie and kisses her hard. LESLIE (cont'd) Uh, Pat, I'm trying to tell themabout my...Oh... Hormones take over and they lock lips again. She wraps her legs around him. He feels up her ass. They continue groping as her Washington Monument slips off. CUT TO: Leslie waves and blows kisses while performing a cheerleader chant. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) Hi, Pat! Go, Muskies! Whoo! INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM AMBER ATKINS - naturally pretty blonde, sweet as sugar pie, stares into camera like a deer caught in headlights. AMBER ATKINS (suddenly looking O.C.) Hi, I-I'm Amber Atkins and, um, I'm signin' up k'cause, ah, my two favorite people in the world competed. My mom and Diane Sawyer...Course I hope I end up a little more like Diane Sawyer than my mom... She flashes a GRIN, we melt. INT. FUNERAL HOME/EMBALMING ROOM - DAY Amber tap-dances as she applies make-up to a MALE CORPSE. SUPER: CONTESTANT #1, AMBER ATKINS DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you do any of the, uh, embalming? AMBER (laughing) Oh, my God, no. Oh, God. I just do the hair and makeup on the deceased. EXT. ROAD - DAY Amber tap dances at the side of the road as traffic passes. AMBER (V.O.) I'm lucky I have an after-school job where I can practice my talent. EXT. MOA PARKING LOT - DAY GLADYS Oh, yeah, sure. You know, every pageant is special, but this one is extra-special to me. When I was seventeen, I don't know if you know this, but I was crowned Mount Rose's American Teen Princess. And this year...drum roll please, my lovely daughter, Rebecca Ann Leeman is competin'. INT. HIGH SCHOOL REBECCA LEEMAN stands in front of Amber and addresses the camerman (O.S.). BECKY Is this my mark? (it is) Hi, I'm Rebecca Leeman. And I believe this pageant is an important experience for every young woman. It, well, it teaches you what's really important in life, and it has the power to change you in ways you've never dreamed of. INT. GUN RANGE Becky, in shooting goggles and ear muffs, FIRES a Glock- 17 9mm pistol with both hands. Sign on wall reads: "Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club." (See Iona in b.g. with an arsenal of sniper weaponry.) BECKY (yelling over noise) ...What?! Klinghagen thinks it'll all come down to me and Amber? Becky stops firing and takes off her hear muffs. BECKY (cont'd) Well, you have to take everything Mrs. Klinghagen says with a grain of salt. Not all your Catholics go to communion for the wafers, if you know what I mean... JUMP CUT TO: INT. LUTHERAN SISTERHOOD GUN RANGE - LATER Becky thumbs bullets into her magazine as she talks. BECKY ...Yah-my mom gave me this nine-mil for my thirteenth birthday... SUPER: CONTESTANT #6, BECKY LEEMAN I'll always remember what she wrote in the card. "Jesus loves winners." That's why, no matter what I do... She shoves the magazine back in her pistol. BECKY (cont'd) I aim to win. She smiles to camera, then violently fires off a few rounds. Zoom in on the MALE TARGET: several bullet holes in the head. INT. "NEW YORK, NEW YORK" BEDROOM - DAY It's all NEW YORK MEMORABILIA. Lisa Swenson - big bubbly girl - sits on her bed. LISA Why? Well, uh, it's kind of like askin', "Why do all the guys chew Copenhagen?" You know? I mean, if you're seventeen and you're not a total fry, it's just what you do. ETHEL MERMAN's "Everything's Coming Up Roses" PLAYS over speakers. SUPER: CONTESTANT #7, LISA SWENSON DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Have you decided what your talent is going to be yet? LISA I'm gonna sing and dance to, "New York, New York." See, I fell in love with The Big Apple last summer when I was visitin' my brother. He followed his dream to New York. PICKS UP 8x10's, shows to camera. LISA (cont'd) This is Peter as Liza. This is him as Madonna. Oh, here's me with him as Barbara... INT. "GERMAN SHEPHERD" BEDROOM - DAY TESS WEINHAUS, wearing an "I love German Shepherds" t- shirt. The room is filled with German Shepherd paraphernalia. TESS Uh... I don't know what my talent's gonna be yet... SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, TESS WEINHAUS TESS (cont'd) Kenny. Kenny, come. Come, Kenny. A DACHSHUND enters and jumps on her lap. TESS (cont'd) This is Kenny. Spike, my German Shepherd, went to live with a nice family on a farm after he attacked me. It wasn't his fault. I had beef jerky in my front pocket. (pulling up shirt) They re-made my belly with skin from my butt. DISSOLVE TO: INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY - DAY IONA HILDERBRANDT - librarian, 65+ - stamps books. SUPER: IONA HILDERBRANDT, MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS - 1945 IONA HILDERBRANTDT (smoked for sixty years) I was Mount Rose American Teen Princess in 1945. We were at war with the Japs. ANGLE ON A vintage B&W photograph of 18-year-old IONA HILDERBRANDT, looking surprised with hands on cheeks, is being crowned MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS by TWO SOLDIERS on a GYM STAGE. YOUNG IONA, wearing TIARA, stands with SOLDIERS and WAR OFFICIALS beside a boiling pot of metal. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (V.O.) (cont'd) I didn't even get to keep my damn tiara. Iona's about to drop her tiara into a recycling bin. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (cont'd) Had to turn it in for scrap. DISSOLVE TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM MOLLY HOWARD, a large white girl, sits between a JAPANESE COUPLE, Mr. and Mrs. HOWARD. SUPER: CONTESTANT #5, MOLLY HOWARD MR. HOWARD (heavy accent) ... So we adopt Molly three year ago when we come to America, to help acclimate us to American. MOLLY (smiling) To America, Dad. Mr. Howard laughs. MRS. HOWARD She all-American girl. She our American Teen Princess girl. MOLLY Oh, Mom... The Howard's biological daughter (they renamed her "TINA") ENTERS FRAME. Although she's the picture of beauty, grace, talent and charm, she represents their old life. TINA (in Japanese) Excuse me, Father, Mother, when are we moving back to Tokyo? I can't stand this place anymore. They put butter on everything. MR. HOWARD (turning, suddenly angry) English! English, you stupid little retard! We America now, Tina! TINA (perfect English) I'm sorry, Dad, but with all due respect, my name isn't "Tina," it's Seiko. MR. HOWARD Tina! Tina!! TINA!!! MRS. HOWARD "Robert," settle down. MR. HOWARD (screaming) AHHHHHH! Mr. Howard suddenly grabs his chest. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene. Mr. Howard is gone. TINA Mom, I just finished the third movement of that concerto I was working on. I put, like, this techno beat on this Japanese folk tune - wanna hear it? MR. HOWARD (running down the hall) No! We not like to hear it! Go to your room and shut up! TINA Oh, I almost forgot... (removing envelope from pocket) I got my acceptance to Tokyo University. MR. HOWARD What, you deaf? I say shut up-shut up- SHUT UP! (coming at camera) Cut her outta this! JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene on couch. MR. HOWARD Now Molly, tell movie man what you talent do. MOLLY I'll be line dancin'. MR. HOWARD (giving thumbs up) Country western! MRS. HOWARD Clint Black! Ruff! MR. HOWARD Hey, what he got I not got? They all laugh. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE CLOSE ON Michelle Johanson's face. MICHELLE ... Yah-I'll be performing a dramatic monologue. SUPER: CONTESTANT #2, MICHELLE JOHANSON MICHELLE (cont'd) Right now, I'm thinkin' "Othello" or... "Soylent Green." Lots of girls make a smooth transition from pageants into actin', y'know. SMASH CUT TO: LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) CONNIE, mid-30's, Midwestern attractive, wearing a sash and tiara, stands in front of a BLUE SCREEN of a FOREST. CONNIE Competin' for the title of Minnesota's American Teen Princess sure was excitin'. But, I never coulda won without my... PULL BACK to reveal a table full of PORK PRODUCTS. CONNIE (cont'd) St. Paul Pork Products! LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SCREEN CHANGES to OUTSIDE FACTORY/STOCK YARDS. Connie now wears a coat and hat and acts as if it's chilly. CONNIE (cont'd) I've been enjoyin' St. Paul Pork Products for years. I grew up right next to these stock yards. SCREEN CHANGES to VIDEO of a SLAUGHTER LINE. PIG CARCASSES move on hooks. Connie wears a hard hat and blood stained butcher's apron. CONNIE (cont'd) It's still the same family-run business that Walter and Vera Polarski started in 1920 when they raised and slaughtered their first pig. Connie grabs a HOT DOG from O.C. and takes a bite. CONNIE (cont'd) Mmm-mmmm. I just love St. Paul Pork Products. In fact, I love kem so much LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SLIDE CHANGES to VIDEO of the SAUSAGE LINE. Workers stuff sausages. Connie wears a white jumpsuit and hairnet. CONNIE (cont'd) I work here now! INT. BETZ LIVING ROOM - NIGHT MRS. BETZ, a large woman, holds a tray of bars. CREW MEMBERS REACH IN THE SHOT and help themselves. JANELLE BETZ sits on the couch, SIGNING EVERYTHING she says. JANELLE (slow, due to signing) ...My talent will be an interpretive dance while I sing, "Through the Eyes of Love." I have a dream of spreadin' sign language around the world... Mom? Would you be so kind? SUPER: CONTESTANT #8, JANELLE BETZ JANELLE (cont'd) Yeah. Well, see, uh, I have a dream of spreading sign language around the world. (to Mrs. Betz) Mom, would you be so kind. Mrs. Betz quickly puts down the bars and goes to the piano where she starts "Through the Eyes of Love." Janelle begins to gesticulate and sign words in an overly dramatic performance that looks like a bizarre seizure. SOUND occasionally DIPS OUT as the BOOM OPERATOR reaches for bars. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER TAMMY CURRY - a cute, jock-type. She wears a LETTER JACKET, covered with VARSITY SPORTS PATCHES. TAMMY CURRY Tammy Curry. I'm signin' up for the scholarship'n'all. SMASH CUT TO: INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM She POINTS to VARIOUS PATCHES on her LETTER JACKET. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) ...This one's for Varsity Soccer, uh, I'm captain. (pointing) I run track, and, uh... (points to small gun patch) Right here, I'm the new President of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club... ANGLE ON LSGC PRESIDENT logo patch. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) (O.S.) I love that one. EXT. FARM FIELD Shot from crew van. Sun is setting behind a lovely field of green. A John Deere Thresher travels across the burning red horizon. DOCUMENTARIAN (V.O.) Would you say you have a good chance to win this pageant? SUPER: CONTESTANT #9, TAMMY CURRY TAMMY (V.O.) Yeah, you bet I do. I mean, maybe other people think I can't win a beauty pageant. But other people didn't think I could beat out Becky Leeman for President of the gun club, either. And I did. I-I-It's just like Anthony Robbins says, "I'm a winner. Nobody can stop me but me!" KABLOOM! Tammy's John Deere thresher BLOWS UP! INT. LUTHERAN CHURCH BASEMENT - KITCHEN AREA - NIGHT CLOSE ON framed school photo of Tammy Curry. PULL BACK to see her letter jacket - scorched and torn (Lutheran Gun Club patch is MISSING) - and flowers. CONTINUE PULLING BACK to reveal both are surrounded by buns, bars and coffee on a long buffet table. A line of somber and repressed Lutherans help themselves to the food. Servettes stand at the ready. Gladys and Iris face the camera. GLADYS Well, you know, I think everyone's doing really well considering the fact that she was so young. IRIS It's always hard to see the young ones called home, especially on an exploding thresher. It's just so odd and gross. GLADYS You know that sometimes it's hard to understand God's great plan. IRIS Yeah. Iris pats Gladys on the shoulder. FEMALE MOURNER #1 May I have a tissue? GLADYS But the show must go on. (she faces Iris) I gotta get a hold of Ted and ask him if we can use that barn light as a spot again. So you watch the Jell-o salad, okay? IRIS All right. Okay. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER It's smokey as hell. THREE "FRY" GIRLS and a PREGNANT "FRY" GIRL - all with "shelf bangs" - smoke and drink. FRY GIRL #1 ...Oh, yeah-right. I ain't gonna be in no goddamn pageant! Look what happened to that dork-ass farm girl. PREGNANT FRY GIRL (O.C.) Tammy Curry? FRY GIRL #1 Yah-yah. Everyone says this is a big accident? She got iced because she wins everything, and this time someone didn't want her to win. PREGNANT FRY GIRL This pageant's like a roach motel. FRY GIRL #1 Girls check in, but they don't check out. PREGNANT FRY GIRL Yeah. And they say smokin' is bad for your health. FRY GIRL #1 (raising cigarette into frame) Yeah. EXT. OLD TWO STORY HOUSE - ESTABLISHING - DAY SIGN painted on GARAGE DOOR: "Dance Studio, Downstairs past the Laundry Room." CAMERA moves DOWNSTAIRS to converted basement. LISA SWENSON and two other large "ballerinas" practice at a 2x4/ballet barre. MOZART plays in the b.g. CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN watches and smokes. (Picture Betty Davis in her final days.) CHLORIS And tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. And repeat. Suck in the belly, girls, and tuck in the tushes! SUPER: CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN, CHOREOGRAPHER CHLORIS (cont'd) Close those legs! You look like a bunch of bowlegged cows! Other side. And...tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. CUT TO: Chloris smokes and talks to camera. "Ballerinas" practice. CHLORIS (cont'd) Yeah, you boys sure picked a good year. If I was a betting woman, and there was a line on this in Vegas, I'd lay down ten-to-one that it all comes down to Amber Atkins and Becky Leeman. Oh, sweet Jesus, what a showdown this could be if Cain and Abel... The SOUND RECORDIST enters and Lisa spins out of control, taking him out. She leans over and comforts him. LISA Ow! Oh, God. It's so em-so embarrassing. EST. SHOT - "DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC" - DAY MARY (V.O.) (labored breaths) My winning...the Mount Rose... INT. PATIENT'S ROOM - DAY SMILING ANOREXIC GIRL sits in bed - a TIARA in what's left of her hair and a SASH over her hospital gown. MARY ...American Teen Princess Pageant... SUPER: MARY JOHANSON, REIGNING MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS MARY (cont'd) ...really changed my life. The TIARA SLIPS OFF her BALDING HEAD and rolls to the floor. INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber fixes Mary's hair, carefully brushing her balding head. Mary smiles, oblivious. MARY (labored breaths) ...Amber does my hair...once a week. AMBER (flattered and embarrassed) Well...it's the least I can do for the reigning Mount Rose Junior Miss Amer-- Amber pulls the brush away with a clump of Mary's hair dangling from it. AMBER (cont'd) Oh God... MARY What? AMBER Huh? Oh...Uh, just a little snarl... Amber mouths, "Shhh! Don't tell!" to camera as she tries to pull the clump of hair from the brush. JUMP CUT TO: INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber ties the tiara and missing clump of hair to Mary's head with a ribbon. AMBER There we go. She holds the mirror for Mary. MARY (delusional) Beautiful... Maybe next week... a perm. AMBER Yah... sure... Amber gives a kind but worried smile to camera. Suddenly, Becky Leeman enters with a large box of chocolates. She's fully aware of the cameras from the moment she enters. BECKY Hellooo, Little Mary Sunshine! (pretending to notice camera) What?! Oh-oh my God! Lights! Camera! And me without a stitch of make-up on. What are you guys doin' here? She's in full make-up. AMBER What're you doin' here? BECKY Oh, Amber, like you're the only one who visits Mary. MARY (to Becky) Who are you? BECKY (covering) "Who are you?!" Oh Mary, you kill me. (to camera) She always says that. It's a little game we play. Every week - same dippy little look on her face. "Who are you - who are you?" Just like that. (in Mary's face) It's me - Becky - and I brought your favorites. Becky puts the chocolates on Mary's lap, a few spill. Throughout the following, Mary slowly reaches for them as if they're forbidden fruit and she's a very hungry Eve. AMBER How nice, Becky, she's anorexic. Becky roughly puts her hands over Mary's ears, who's now gently petting the spilled chocolates in her lap. BECKY (sotto, reprimanding tone) She's skinny, not deaf, Amber. EXT. TRAILER - LATE AFTERNOON MONTAGE - Amber taps around the mobile home community, HOME FROM SCHOOL - backpack, Walkman, cool music blaring. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber stands in a room the SIZE OF A CLOSET. Posters, articles and pictures of great tap dancers and Diane Sawyer cover the walls. AMBER ... Dreams? Yah-sure I got kem... Sometimes I dream of winnin'... I dream of gettin' outta Mount Rose and bein' a big time reporter like Diane Sawyer. I mean, guys get outta Mount Rose all the time for hockey scholarships or prison. But the pageant's kinda my only chance. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber points to LARGE PAGEANT PHOTO OF DIANE SAWYER - 1963 AMBER ... Yah-1963. Her beauty worked against her when she started as a reporter in Louisville, her hometown. Those were different times. ANNETTE (O.S.) (yelling, coughing) Hey, Amber, y'get my smokes? AMBER (smiling) That's my mom. (yelling) I'll get kem in a sec. ANNETTE ATKINS, Amber's mom - sexy, but tired - OPENS THE DOOR. ANNETTE (surprised by cameras) Oh shit! AMBER They're from L.A. They wanted to see my room and film me for their movie. ANNETTE (mock-touched, to crew) Oh... How quickly they grow up. (exiting, smiling) Hey, if they ask you to take off your shirt, get the money first. Annette is gone. ANNETTE (cont'd) (O.S.) And go get my smokes! JUMP CUT TO: EST. SHOT - LEEMAN FAMILY HOME - DAY Landscaped grounds surround this lovely two-story. INT. LEEMAN HOME - VARIOUS ROOMS Brief "LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH & FAMOUS" montage of Gladys showing off interiors to the theme from "GONE WITH THE WIND." INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY It looks like a Levitz showroom. Gladys sits stiffly between Becky and her husband, LESTER - mid-60's, gruff, "old school" salesman, drink in hand. LESTER ...You betcha. S'posed to be colder-n- a witches tit tonight... GLADYS (nervous laugh) Oh, Lester. He loves his weather, y'know. LESTER (looking to crew, O.S.) Hey, ya like it? Open it...Yah-the globe. Pull at the equator there. GLADYS We're not in the showroom, Dear. Banging and fumbling. A CORKSCREW flies into shot - CREW GUY quickly ENTERS SHOT and grabs it. LESTER Fits three full-size booze bottles. The cassette deck pulls outta Afghanistan, there. BECKY (embarrassed) Mommm... GLADYS Lester? LESTER Oh, all right (to camera) How soon they forget where all this comes from. BECKY Japan. LESTER That's enough, young lady. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER GLADYS "Impartial?" Outside this house I'm Gladys Leeman, President, Civil Servettes - impartial as the day is long. But we're inside my home now and I've gotta warn you, I'm wearin' my "wife apron" and "mom hat." So, I can safely say that I'm the mother of the most talented contestant Mount Rose has ever seen. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER Lester's gone from the couch. GLADYS I'll field that one - Rebecca's saving her voice. Becky smiles admiringly at Gladys. GLADYS (cont'd) You-betcha, Rebecca's ready. She's been singin' and dancin' since she was knee high to a pig's eye. Lester returns to the couch, large drink in hand. LESTER Yah-she's damn near as good as that little black fella - with the glass eye. GLADYS Sammy Davis, Jr., honey. LESTER Yeah, yeah, the Jew. BECKY Nice one, Dad. He's dead. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Same scene. BOYS' WRESTLING TEAM - tight singlets - runs laps around gym - between Servettes and camera. GLADYS ...Yah-then, for the "Judges Interview," each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges before the pageant... Gladys is distracted by the HARD, YOUNG bodies. All are. GLADYS Yes, the Judges Interview.. Each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges prior to the pageant. Then we have the... A HUNKY WRESTLER, TONY, waves. GLADYS (cont'd) Hello, Tony. TONY Hey. GLADYS "Hey" to

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Drop Dead Gorgeous Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> DROP DEAD GORGEOUS DROP DEAD GORGEOUS FADE IN: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - MINNESOTA - DAY Vintage black and white stock footage of some farms and farmhouses. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY Color footage of cotton fields passing by. We FREEZE and FADE TO BLACK. TITLE WIPES IN: 1995 MARKED THE FIFTIETH ANNIVERSARY OF THE NATION'S OLDEST BEAUTY CONTEST... THE SARAH ROSE COSMETICS AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS PAGEANT A DOCUMENTARY FILM CREW WAS SENT TO A SMALL TOWN IN MINNESOTA TO COMMEMORATE THIS OCCASSION. INT. PAGEANT AUDITORIUM - MOUNT ROSE - DAY Vintage blue-toned stock footage of a teenage beauty pageant contestant. LEGS WIPE IN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Sarah Rose knows you're a beautiful person.... Blue-toned stock footage of a long row of beauty pageant contestants on stage. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Sarah Rose knows you have an unusual talent. Sarah Rose knows you're a teenage girl. Blue-toned stock footage of the row of contestants parading down some steps from the stage as CAMERA TILTS DOWN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Mmm, and she definitely knows that you are ready for the ultimate teen glamour. ROUSING PATRIOTIC MUSIC. FAST PACED CUTS feature SMILING TEENAGE CONTESTANTS dancing and waving American flags. APPLAUSE! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant. Each contestant wears a BANNER ACROSS her dress reading: AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) And now, a few words... ANGLE ON Contestants DROP, ROLL and form a STAR. CHEERS! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) ...from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. ADAM WEST The American Teen Princess Pageant has been enriching the lives of American- made girls since 1945. TITLES FADE ON SCREEN: Adam West, TV's Batman, then FADE OUT. ADAM WEST (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant provides personal growth, scholarship, travel, and you... Numerous contestants stand up in SHOT and SURROUND ADAM. ADAM WEST (cont'd) ...might even meet a few celebrities. At the national level, thousands of seventeen year-old girls like yourselves. and compete around the country in places like: MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Beautiful Mount Rose, Minnesota. ADAM WEST And make it all the way here to Lincoln, Alabama, to compete for the title of American Teen Princess. LIGHTS come UP on the teenaged girls in the pageant as they pause. As they WAVE AMERICAN FLAGS. Adam West turns back to the camera. ADAM WEST (cont'd) And now, a few words from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. Contestants strike a pose around him. THUNDEROUS CANNED APPLAUSE! ADAM WEST (cont'd) (pointing to camera) So, which one of you will it b-- SCREEN SUDDENLY STATIC. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY SCENE from "DAYS OF OUR LIVES" PULL BACK to reveal the VIDEO is on a TV in front of a GROUP OF SEVENTEEN YEAR-OLD GIRLS, sitting in gym bleachers. [NOTE: The film is shot documentary style. PEOPLE ARE REAL. Their lives revolve around this pageant. All speak with a THICK MINNESOTA ACCENT.] THREE "CIVIL SERVETTES," the local women's group. [Picture unattractive Stepford Wives in matching windbreakers] stand beside GLADYS LEEMAN, 34, president. She STOPS THE VIDEO. GLADYS LEEMAN Good God, Iris, you taped your shows over it. IRIS Sorry. Gladys turns to the GIRLS in the bleachers. SUPER: MOUNT ROSE, MINNESOTA POPULATION: 5,076 GLADYS LEEMAN Now ladies, the rest of the tape - which is now gone forever - goes on about startin' this great American journey we call American Teen Princess...Yah-so, any of you young ladies who'd like to start on that journey, you just come right down here and sign up. And please...help yourselves to some coffee and bars... SMASH EDIT TO: Gladys seated with middle-aged women. GLADYS Showtime. SUPER: GLADYS LEEMAN, LOCAL CHAIRMAN, PAGEANT ORGANIZING COMMITTEE. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you think that most people would say that teenage beauty pageants are a good idea? GLADYS Oh yah-sure, I know what some of your big city, no bra wearin', hairy-legged women's libbers say, "Pageants are old- fashioned" and, uh, and "demeaning" to the girls -- IRIS (jumping in) What's sick is women dressin' like men! Civil Servettes stare at her a beat. GLADYS Uh... You betcha, Iris. (quickly, back to camera) Yah-I think yous boys'll find that things are different here in Mount Rose... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) For one thing, y'know, we're God fearin' folk - every last one of us... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) You won't find a back room in our video store... Servettes AD-LIB "AMEN. YAH-YOU BETCHA." etc. GLADYS (cont'd) (V.O.) ...that filth is better left in the "Sin Cities." IRIS A.k.a. Minneapolis - St. Paul. PULL AWAY from MINNEAPOLIS SKYLINE to COUNTRYSIDE. EXT. QUAINT MAIN STREET The camera drives down the street. EXT. PICTURESQUE MIDDLE-CLASS NEIGHBORHOODS The camera drives down the street. EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE A HAPPY FAMILY raises the AMERICAN FLAG. EXT. SUBURBAN DRIVEWAY BURLY GUYS look up from washing a FORD TRUCK. EXT. TRAILER PARK Sign next to it reads: "Welcome to Mount Rose, Home of Freda Klinghagen, Minnesota's Oldest Living Lutheran" complete with a photo of the extremely old woman smiling and waving. EXT. CREW VAN An ELDERLY COUPLE looks in the passenger window of the van. ELDERLY MAN (MAYOR) Oh, yah-sure, Freda, yah. She was the oldest livin' Lutheran. Now she's dead as a doornail. It's them damn Shriners who ain't taken that Goddamn sign down yet - those lazy sons-a- bitches... I tells kem, I tells kem every goddamn year, "Take the Goddamn Freda sign down, you lazy sons-a-bitches!" SUPER: MAYOR OF MOUNT ROSE INT. GLADYS' VAN - DAY Through the window a family waves to Gladys. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY Two BOYS play basketball in the driveway of their home. EXT. FRONT LAWN - DAY SMALL CHILDREN in bathing suits play on a lawn. A boy shoots his water pistol. INT. LEEMAN STATION WAGON - AFTERNOON Civil Servettes and crew are piled in. Gladys drives. GLADYS ...Today's "To Do" list includes a trip to the Mall of America. We need outfits for the "Physical Fitness" number -- IRIS Nothin' too showy! GLADYS Y'betcha, Iris. We still need a third judge and we need to think of a theme. Servettes react with pleasure. IRIS Gladys -- Gladys! Look out! A CAR SWERVES. GLADYS Oh, my! (waving out window) Hello, Father Donigan! Sidewalks, sidewalks? Iris mimes drinking, "glug, glug." GLADYS (cont'd) Iris, stop! (to camera) It's not his fault. The communal wine just proves too temptin' for some of them. IRIS That's why we Lutherans use grape Koolaid for the blood of Christ. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA In the vast, already full parking lot, we see Gladys Leeman's station wagon searching for a parking spot. IRIS Oh, there's a parking space over there. Oh, no, that's just a compact. Sorry. GLADYS You'd think they'd build the parking lot of America to go with the Mall of America! Gladys pulls into a HANDICAPPED SPOT. Servettes and CAMERA stand outside the car. Iris points at the sign. IRIS It's a two-hundred dollar fine! GLADYS I said I'd move if a cripple came. Let's just run in the store and pick out some outfits. IRIS All right, let's go. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA PARKING LOT Iris and another Servette start to get out of the car. GLADYS Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! I just thought of the theme. Iris and the Servette stop. IRIS Oh! What is it? GLADYS (cont'd) "Proud...to be...an...American." Servettes react with pleasure. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOA PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So what was the theme of the pageant last year? GLADYS Last year? It was, "Buy American." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) And the year before that? GLADYS "U.S.A. is A-okay." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Can you remember the theme of your favorite pageant? GLADYS "Can I? I'm Amer-I-Can!" People ask me where I get this. I don't know, it's...maybe a gift from God or somethin'. INT. MOUNT ROSE HIGH - GYM - DAY PAN DOWN row of EIGHT GIRLS signing up and eating bars. SUPER: LOCAL PAGEANT REGISTRATION, MOUNT ROSE HIGH SCHOOL ANGLE ON LESLIE MILLER - sexy/peppy girl in CHEERLEADING UNIFORM. LESLIE MILLER ...Hi. (giggles) I'm Leslie Miller. I'm signin' up kcause-ah, y'know, I always watch pageants on the TV and my boyfriend thinks I'll win. SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, LESLIE MILLER She makes "gills" on the sides of her head with her hands. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) For my talent, I'm gonna be doing the.. Two FOOTBALL PLAYERS interrupt: PAT, her boyfriend, and BRETT, who smiles and gives a nod to Amber. Pat grabs Leslie and kisses her hard. LESLIE (cont'd) Uh, Pat, I'm trying to tell themabout my...Oh... Hormones take over and they lock lips again. She wraps her legs around him. He feels up her ass. They continue groping as her Washington Monument slips off. CUT TO: Leslie waves and blows kisses while performing a cheerleader chant. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) Hi, Pat! Go, Muskies! Whoo! INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM AMBER ATKINS - naturally pretty blonde, sweet as sugar pie, stares into camera like a deer caught in headlights. AMBER ATKINS (suddenly looking O.C.) Hi, I-I'm Amber Atkins and, um, I'm signin' up k'cause, ah, my two favorite people in the world competed. My mom and Diane Sawyer...Course I hope I end up a little more like Diane Sawyer than my mom... She flashes a GRIN, we melt. INT. FUNERAL HOME/EMBALMING ROOM - DAY Amber tap-dances as she applies make-up to a MALE CORPSE. SUPER: CONTESTANT #1, AMBER ATKINS DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you do any of the, uh, embalming? AMBER (laughing) Oh, my God, no. Oh, God. I just do the hair and makeup on the deceased. EXT. ROAD - DAY Amber tap dances at the side of the road as traffic passes. AMBER (V.O.) I'm lucky I have an after-school job where I can practice my talent. EXT. MOA PARKING LOT - DAY GLADYS Oh, yeah, sure. You know, every pageant is special, but this one is extra-special to me. When I was seventeen, I don't know if you know this, but I was crowned Mount Rose's American Teen Princess. And this year...drum roll please, my lovely daughter, Rebecca Ann Leeman is competin'. INT. HIGH SCHOOL REBECCA LEEMAN stands in front of Amber and addresses the camerman (O.S.). BECKY Is this my mark? (it is) Hi, I'm Rebecca Leeman. And I believe this pageant is an important experience for every young woman. It, well, it teaches you what's really important in life, and it has the power to change you in ways you've never dreamed of. INT. GUN RANGE Becky, in shooting goggles and ear muffs, FIRES a Glock- 17 9mm pistol with both hands. Sign on wall reads: "Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club." (See Iona in b.g. with an arsenal of sniper weaponry.) BECKY (yelling over noise) ...What?! Klinghagen thinks it'll all come down to me and Amber? Becky stops firing and takes off her hear muffs. BECKY (cont'd) Well, you have to take everything Mrs. Klinghagen says with a grain of salt. Not all your Catholics go to communion for the wafers, if you know what I mean... JUMP CUT TO: INT. LUTHERAN SISTERHOOD GUN RANGE - LATER Becky thumbs bullets into her magazine as she talks. BECKY ...Yah-my mom gave me this nine-mil for my thirteenth birthday... SUPER: CONTESTANT #6, BECKY LEEMAN I'll always remember what she wrote in the card. "Jesus loves winners." That's why, no matter what I do... She shoves the magazine back in her pistol. BECKY (cont'd) I aim to win. She smiles to camera, then violently fires off a few rounds. Zoom in on the MALE TARGET: several bullet holes in the head. INT. "NEW YORK, NEW YORK" BEDROOM - DAY It's all NEW YORK MEMORABILIA. Lisa Swenson - big bubbly girl - sits on her bed. LISA Why? Well, uh, it's kind of like askin', "Why do all the guys chew Copenhagen?" You know? I mean, if you're seventeen and you're not a total fry, it's just what you do. ETHEL MERMAN's "Everything's Coming Up Roses" PLAYS over speakers. SUPER: CONTESTANT #7, LISA SWENSON DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Have you decided what your talent is going to be yet? LISA I'm gonna sing and dance to, "New York, New York." See, I fell in love with The Big Apple last summer when I was visitin' my brother. He followed his dream to New York. PICKS UP 8x10's, shows to camera. LISA (cont'd) This is Peter as Liza. This is him as Madonna. Oh, here's me with him as Barbara... INT. "GERMAN SHEPHERD" BEDROOM - DAY TESS WEINHAUS, wearing an "I love German Shepherds" t- shirt. The room is filled with German Shepherd paraphernalia. TESS Uh... I don't know what my talent's gonna be yet... SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, TESS WEINHAUS TESS (cont'd) Kenny. Kenny, come. Come, Kenny. A DACHSHUND enters and jumps on her lap. TESS (cont'd) This is Kenny. Spike, my German Shepherd, went to live with a nice family on a farm after he attacked me. It wasn't his fault. I had beef jerky in my front pocket. (pulling up shirt) They re-made my belly with skin from my butt. DISSOLVE TO: INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY - DAY IONA HILDERBRANDT - librarian, 65+ - stamps books. SUPER: IONA HILDERBRANDT, MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS - 1945 IONA HILDERBRANTDT (smoked for sixty years) I was Mount Rose American Teen Princess in 1945. We were at war with the Japs. ANGLE ON A vintage B&W photograph of 18-year-old IONA HILDERBRANDT, looking surprised with hands on cheeks, is being crowned MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS by TWO SOLDIERS on a GYM STAGE. YOUNG IONA, wearing TIARA, stands with SOLDIERS and WAR OFFICIALS beside a boiling pot of metal. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (V.O.) (cont'd) I didn't even get to keep my damn tiara. Iona's about to drop her tiara into a recycling bin. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (cont'd) Had to turn it in for scrap. DISSOLVE TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM MOLLY HOWARD, a large white girl, sits between a JAPANESE COUPLE, Mr. and Mrs. HOWARD. SUPER: CONTESTANT #5, MOLLY HOWARD MR. HOWARD (heavy accent) ... So we adopt Molly three year ago when we come to America, to help acclimate us to American. MOLLY (smiling) To America, Dad. Mr. Howard laughs. MRS. HOWARD She all-American girl. She our American Teen Princess girl. MOLLY Oh, Mom... The Howard's biological daughter (they renamed her "TINA") ENTERS FRAME. Although she's the picture of beauty, grace, talent and charm, she represents their old life. TINA (in Japanese) Excuse me, Father, Mother, when are we moving back to Tokyo? I can't stand this place anymore. They put butter on everything. MR. HOWARD (turning, suddenly angry) English! English, you stupid little retard! We America now, Tina! TINA (perfect English) I'm sorry, Dad, but with all due respect, my name isn't "Tina," it's Seiko. MR. HOWARD Tina! Tina!! TINA!!! MRS. HOWARD "Robert," settle down. MR. HOWARD (screaming) AHHHHHH! Mr. Howard suddenly grabs his chest. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene. Mr. Howard is gone. TINA Mom, I just finished the third movement of that concerto I was working on. I put, like, this techno beat on this Japanese folk tune - wanna hear it? MR. HOWARD (running down the hall) No! We not like to hear it! Go to your room and shut up! TINA Oh, I almost forgot... (removing envelope from pocket) I got my acceptance to Tokyo University. MR. HOWARD What, you deaf? I say shut up-shut up- SHUT UP! (coming at camera) Cut her outta this! JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene on couch. MR. HOWARD Now Molly, tell movie man what you talent do. MOLLY I'll be line dancin'. MR. HOWARD (giving thumbs up) Country western! MRS. HOWARD Clint Black! Ruff! MR. HOWARD Hey, what he got I not got? They all laugh. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE CLOSE ON Michelle Johanson's face. MICHELLE ... Yah-I'll be performing a dramatic monologue. SUPER: CONTESTANT #2, MICHELLE JOHANSON MICHELLE (cont'd) Right now, I'm thinkin' "Othello" or... "Soylent Green." Lots of girls make a smooth transition from pageants into actin', y'know. SMASH CUT TO: LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) CONNIE, mid-30's, Midwestern attractive, wearing a sash and tiara, stands in front of a BLUE SCREEN of a FOREST. CONNIE Competin' for the title of Minnesota's American Teen Princess sure was excitin'. But, I never coulda won without my... PULL BACK to reveal a table full of PORK PRODUCTS. CONNIE (cont'd) St. Paul Pork Products! LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SCREEN CHANGES to OUTSIDE FACTORY/STOCK YARDS. Connie now wears a coat and hat and acts as if it's chilly. CONNIE (cont'd) I've been enjoyin' St. Paul Pork Products for years. I grew up right next to these stock yards. SCREEN CHANGES to VIDEO of a SLAUGHTER LINE. PIG CARCASSES move on hooks. Connie wears a hard hat and blood stained butcher's apron. CONNIE (cont'd) It's still the same family-run business that Walter and Vera Polarski started in 1920 when they raised and slaughtered their first pig. Connie grabs a HOT DOG from O.C. and takes a bite. CONNIE (cont'd) Mmm-mmmm. I just love St. Paul Pork Products. In fact, I love kem so much LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SLIDE CHANGES to VIDEO of the SAUSAGE LINE. Workers stuff sausages. Connie wears a white jumpsuit and hairnet. CONNIE (cont'd) I work here now! INT. BETZ LIVING ROOM - NIGHT MRS. BETZ, a large woman, holds a tray of bars. CREW MEMBERS REACH IN THE SHOT and help themselves. JANELLE BETZ sits on the couch, SIGNING EVERYTHING she says. JANELLE (slow, due to signing) ...My talent will be an interpretive dance while I sing, "Through the Eyes of Love." I have a dream of spreadin' sign language around the world... Mom? Would you be so kind? SUPER: CONTESTANT #8, JANELLE BETZ JANELLE (cont'd) Yeah. Well, see, uh, I have a dream of spreading sign language around the world. (to Mrs. Betz) Mom, would you be so kind. Mrs. Betz quickly puts down the bars and goes to the piano where she starts "Through the Eyes of Love." Janelle begins to gesticulate and sign words in an overly dramatic performance that looks like a bizarre seizure. SOUND occasionally DIPS OUT as the BOOM OPERATOR reaches for bars. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER TAMMY CURRY - a cute, jock-type. She wears a LETTER JACKET, covered with VARSITY SPORTS PATCHES. TAMMY CURRY Tammy Curry. I'm signin' up for the scholarship'n'all. SMASH CUT TO: INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM She POINTS to VARIOUS PATCHES on her LETTER JACKET. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) ...This one's for Varsity Soccer, uh, I'm captain. (pointing) I run track, and, uh... (points to small gun patch) Right here, I'm the new President of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club... ANGLE ON LSGC PRESIDENT logo patch. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) (O.S.) I love that one. EXT. FARM FIELD Shot from crew van. Sun is setting behind a lovely field of green. A John Deere Thresher travels across the burning red horizon. DOCUMENTARIAN (V.O.) Would you say you have a good chance to win this pageant? SUPER: CONTESTANT #9, TAMMY CURRY TAMMY (V.O.) Yeah, you bet I do. I mean, maybe other people think I can't win a beauty pageant. But other people didn't think I could beat out Becky Leeman for President of the gun club, either. And I did. I-I-It's just like Anthony Robbins says, "I'm a winner. Nobody can stop me but me!" KABLOOM! Tammy's John Deere thresher BLOWS UP! INT. LUTHERAN CHURCH BASEMENT - KITCHEN AREA - NIGHT CLOSE ON framed school photo of Tammy Curry. PULL BACK to see her letter jacket - scorched and torn (Lutheran Gun Club patch is MISSING) - and flowers. CONTINUE PULLING BACK to reveal both are surrounded by buns, bars and coffee on a long buffet table. A line of somber and repressed Lutherans help themselves to the food. Servettes stand at the ready. Gladys and Iris face the camera. GLADYS Well, you know, I think everyone's doing really well considering the fact that she was so young. IRIS It's always hard to see the young ones called home, especially on an exploding thresher. It's just so odd and gross. GLADYS You know that sometimes it's hard to understand God's great plan. IRIS Yeah. Iris pats Gladys on the shoulder. FEMALE MOURNER #1 May I have a tissue? GLADYS But the show must go on. (she faces Iris) I gotta get a hold of Ted and ask him if we can use that barn light as a spot again. So you watch the Jell-o salad, okay? IRIS All right. Okay. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER It's smokey as hell. THREE "FRY" GIRLS and a PREGNANT "FRY" GIRL - all with "shelf bangs" - smoke and drink. FRY GIRL #1 ...Oh, yeah-right. I ain't gonna be in no goddamn pageant! Look what happened to that dork-ass farm girl. PREGNANT FRY GIRL (O.C.) Tammy Curry? FRY GIRL #1 Yah-yah. Everyone says this is a big accident? She got iced because she wins everything, and this time someone didn't want her to win. PREGNANT FRY GIRL This pageant's like a roach motel. FRY GIRL #1 Girls check in, but they don't check out. PREGNANT FRY GIRL Yeah. And they say smokin' is bad for your health. FRY GIRL #1 (raising cigarette into frame) Yeah. EXT. OLD TWO STORY HOUSE - ESTABLISHING - DAY SIGN painted on GARAGE DOOR: "Dance Studio, Downstairs past the Laundry Room." CAMERA moves DOWNSTAIRS to converted basement. LISA SWENSON and two other large "ballerinas" practice at a 2x4/ballet barre. MOZART plays in the b.g. CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN watches and smokes. (Picture Betty Davis in her final days.) CHLORIS And tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. And repeat. Suck in the belly, girls, and tuck in the tushes! SUPER: CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN, CHOREOGRAPHER CHLORIS (cont'd) Close those legs! You look like a bunch of bowlegged cows! Other side. And...tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. CUT TO: Chloris smokes and talks to camera. "Ballerinas" practice. CHLORIS (cont'd) Yeah, you boys sure picked a good year. If I was a betting woman, and there was a line on this in Vegas, I'd lay down ten-to-one that it all comes down to Amber Atkins and Becky Leeman. Oh, sweet Jesus, what a showdown this could be if Cain and Abel... The SOUND RECORDIST enters and Lisa spins out of control, taking him out. She leans over and comforts him. LISA Ow! Oh, God. It's so em-so embarrassing. EST. SHOT - "DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC" - DAY MARY (V.O.) (labored breaths) My winning...the Mount Rose... INT. PATIENT'S ROOM - DAY SMILING ANOREXIC GIRL sits in bed - a TIARA in what's left of her hair and a SASH over her hospital gown. MARY ...American Teen Princess Pageant... SUPER: MARY JOHANSON, REIGNING MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS MARY (cont'd) ...really changed my life. The TIARA SLIPS OFF her BALDING HEAD and rolls to the floor. INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber fixes Mary's hair, carefully brushing her balding head. Mary smiles, oblivious. MARY (labored breaths) ...Amber does my hair...once a week. AMBER (flattered and embarrassed) Well...it's the least I can do for the reigning Mount Rose Junior Miss Amer-- Amber pulls the brush away with a clump of Mary's hair dangling from it. AMBER (cont'd) Oh God... MARY What? AMBER Huh? Oh...Uh, just a little snarl... Amber mouths, "Shhh! Don't tell!" to camera as she tries to pull the clump of hair from the brush. JUMP CUT TO: INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber ties the tiara and missing clump of hair to Mary's head with a ribbon. AMBER There we go. She holds the mirror for Mary. MARY (delusional) Beautiful... Maybe next week... a perm. AMBER Yah... sure... Amber gives a kind but worried smile to camera. Suddenly, Becky Leeman enters with a large box of chocolates. She's fully aware of the cameras from the moment she enters. BECKY Hellooo, Little Mary Sunshine! (pretending to notice camera) What?! Oh-oh my God! Lights! Camera! And me without a stitch of make-up on. What are you guys doin' here? She's in full make-up. AMBER What're you doin' here? BECKY Oh, Amber, like you're the only one who visits Mary. MARY (to Becky) Who are you? BECKY (covering) "Who are you?!" Oh Mary, you kill me. (to camera) She always says that. It's a little game we play. Every week - same dippy little look on her face. "Who are you - who are you?" Just like that. (in Mary's face) It's me - Becky - and I brought your favorites. Becky puts the chocolates on Mary's lap, a few spill. Throughout the following, Mary slowly reaches for them as if they're forbidden fruit and she's a very hungry Eve. AMBER How nice, Becky, she's anorexic. Becky roughly puts her hands over Mary's ears, who's now gently petting the spilled chocolates in her lap. BECKY (sotto, reprimanding tone) She's skinny, not deaf, Amber. EXT. TRAILER - LATE AFTERNOON MONTAGE - Amber taps around the mobile home community, HOME FROM SCHOOL - backpack, Walkman, cool music blaring. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber stands in a room the SIZE OF A CLOSET. Posters, articles and pictures of great tap dancers and Diane Sawyer cover the walls. AMBER ... Dreams? Yah-sure I got kem... Sometimes I dream of winnin'... I dream of gettin' outta Mount Rose and bein' a big time reporter like Diane Sawyer. I mean, guys get outta Mount Rose all the time for hockey scholarships or prison. But the pageant's kinda my only chance. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber points to LARGE PAGEANT PHOTO OF DIANE SAWYER - 1963 AMBER ... Yah-1963. Her beauty worked against her when she started as a reporter in Louisville, her hometown. Those were different times. ANNETTE (O.S.) (yelling, coughing) Hey, Amber, y'get my smokes? AMBER (smiling) That's my mom. (yelling) I'll get kem in a sec. ANNETTE ATKINS, Amber's mom - sexy, but tired - OPENS THE DOOR. ANNETTE (surprised by cameras) Oh shit! AMBER They're from L.A. They wanted to see my room and film me for their movie. ANNETTE (mock-touched, to crew) Oh... How quickly they grow up. (exiting, smiling) Hey, if they ask you to take off your shirt, get the money first. Annette is gone. ANNETTE (cont'd) (O.S.) And go get my smokes! JUMP CUT TO: EST. SHOT - LEEMAN FAMILY HOME - DAY Landscaped grounds surround this lovely two-story. INT. LEEMAN HOME - VARIOUS ROOMS Brief "LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH & FAMOUS" montage of Gladys showing off interiors to the theme from "GONE WITH THE WIND." INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY It looks like a Levitz showroom. Gladys sits stiffly between Becky and her husband, LESTER - mid-60's, gruff, "old school" salesman, drink in hand. LESTER ...You betcha. S'posed to be colder-n- a witches tit tonight... GLADYS (nervous laugh) Oh, Lester. He loves his weather, y'know. LESTER (looking to crew, O.S.) Hey, ya like it? Open it...Yah-the globe. Pull at the equator there. GLADYS We're not in the showroom, Dear. Banging and fumbling. A CORKSCREW flies into shot - CREW GUY quickly ENTERS SHOT and grabs it. LESTER Fits three full-size booze bottles. The cassette deck pulls outta Afghanistan, there. BECKY (embarrassed) Mommm... GLADYS Lester? LESTER Oh, all right (to camera) How soon they forget where all this comes from. BECKY Japan. LESTER That's enough, young lady. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER GLADYS "Impartial?" Outside this house I'm Gladys Leeman, President, Civil Servettes - impartial as the day is long. But we're inside my home now and I've gotta warn you, I'm wearin' my "wife apron" and "mom hat." So, I can safely say that I'm the mother of the most talented contestant Mount Rose has ever seen. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER Lester's gone from the couch. GLADYS I'll field that one - Rebecca's saving her voice. Becky smiles admiringly at Gladys. GLADYS (cont'd) You-betcha, Rebecca's ready. She's been singin' and dancin' since she was knee high to a pig's eye. Lester returns to the couch, large drink in hand. LESTER Yah-she's damn near as good as that little black fella - with the glass eye. GLADYS Sammy Davis, Jr., honey. LESTER Yeah, yeah, the Jew. BECKY Nice one, Dad. He's dead. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Same scene. BOYS' WRESTLING TEAM - tight singlets - runs laps around gym - between Servettes and camera. GLADYS ...Yah-then, for the "Judges Interview," each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges before the pageant... Gladys is distracted by the HARD, YOUNG bodies. All are. GLADYS Yes, the Judges Interview.. Each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges prior to the pageant. Then we have the... A HUNKY WRESTLER, TONY, waves. GLADYS (cont'd) Hello, Tony. TONY Hey. GLADYS "Hey" to

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Drop Dead Gorgeous Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> DROP DEAD GORGEOUS DROP DEAD GORGEOUS FADE IN: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - MINNESOTA - DAY Vintage black and white stock footage of some farms and farmhouses. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY Color footage of cotton fields passing by. We FREEZE and FADE TO BLACK. TITLE WIPES IN: 1995 MARKED THE FIFTIETH ANNIVERSARY OF THE NATION'S OLDEST BEAUTY CONTEST... THE SARAH ROSE COSMETICS AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS PAGEANT A DOCUMENTARY FILM CREW WAS SENT TO A SMALL TOWN IN MINNESOTA TO COMMEMORATE THIS OCCASSION. INT. PAGEANT AUDITORIUM - MOUNT ROSE - DAY Vintage blue-toned stock footage of a teenage beauty pageant contestant. LEGS WIPE IN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Sarah Rose knows you're a beautiful person.... Blue-toned stock footage of a long row of beauty pageant contestants on stage. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Sarah Rose knows you have an unusual talent. Sarah Rose knows you're a teenage girl. Blue-toned stock footage of the row of contestants parading down some steps from the stage as CAMERA TILTS DOWN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Mmm, and she definitely knows that you are ready for the ultimate teen glamour. ROUSING PATRIOTIC MUSIC. FAST PACED CUTS feature SMILING TEENAGE CONTESTANTS dancing and waving American flags. APPLAUSE! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant. Each contestant wears a BANNER ACROSS her dress reading: AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) And now, a few words... ANGLE ON Contestants DROP, ROLL and form a STAR. CHEERS! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) ...from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. ADAM WEST The American Teen Princess Pageant has been enriching the lives of American- made girls since 1945. TITLES FADE ON SCREEN: Adam West, TV's Batman, then FADE OUT. ADAM WEST (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant provides personal growth, scholarship, travel, and you... Numerous contestants stand up in SHOT and SURROUND ADAM. ADAM WEST (cont'd) ...might even meet a few celebrities. At the national level, thousands of seventeen year-old girls like yourselves. and compete around the country in places like: MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Beautiful Mount Rose, Minnesota. ADAM WEST And make it all the way here to Lincoln, Alabama, to compete for the title of American Teen Princess. LIGHTS come UP on the teenaged girls in the pageant as they pause. As they WAVE AMERICAN FLAGS. Adam West turns back to the camera. ADAM WEST (cont'd) And now, a few words from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. Contestants strike a pose around him. THUNDEROUS CANNED APPLAUSE! ADAM WEST (cont'd) (pointing to camera) So, which one of you will it b-- SCREEN SUDDENLY STATIC. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY SCENE from "DAYS OF OUR LIVES" PULL BACK to reveal the VIDEO is on a TV in front of a GROUP OF SEVENTEEN YEAR-OLD GIRLS, sitting in gym bleachers. [NOTE: The film is shot documentary style. PEOPLE ARE REAL. Their lives revolve around this pageant. All speak with a THICK MINNESOTA ACCENT.] THREE "CIVIL SERVETTES," the local women's group. [Picture unattractive Stepford Wives in matching windbreakers] stand beside GLADYS LEEMAN, 34, president. She STOPS THE VIDEO. GLADYS LEEMAN Good God, Iris, you taped your shows over it. IRIS Sorry. Gladys turns to the GIRLS in the bleachers. SUPER: MOUNT ROSE, MINNESOTA POPULATION: 5,076 GLADYS LEEMAN Now ladies, the rest of the tape - which is now gone forever - goes on about startin' this great American journey we call American Teen Princess...Yah-so, any of you young ladies who'd like to start on that journey, you just come right down here and sign up. And please...help yourselves to some coffee and bars... SMASH EDIT TO: Gladys seated with middle-aged women. GLADYS Showtime. SUPER: GLADYS LEEMAN, LOCAL CHAIRMAN, PAGEANT ORGANIZING COMMITTEE. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you think that most people would say that teenage beauty pageants are a good idea? GLADYS Oh yah-sure, I know what some of your big city, no bra wearin', hairy-legged women's libbers say, "Pageants are old- fashioned" and, uh, and "demeaning" to the girls -- IRIS (jumping in) What's sick is women dressin' like men! Civil Servettes stare at her a beat. GLADYS Uh... You betcha, Iris. (quickly, back to camera) Yah-I think yous boys'll find that things are different here in Mount Rose... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) For one thing, y'know, we're God fearin' folk - every last one of us... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) You won't find a back room in our video store... Servettes AD-LIB "AMEN. YAH-YOU BETCHA." etc. GLADYS (cont'd) (V.O.) ...that filth is better left in the "Sin Cities." IRIS A.k.a. Minneapolis - St. Paul. PULL AWAY from MINNEAPOLIS SKYLINE to COUNTRYSIDE. EXT. QUAINT MAIN STREET The camera drives down the street. EXT. PICTURESQUE MIDDLE-CLASS NEIGHBORHOODS The camera drives down the street. EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE A HAPPY FAMILY raises the AMERICAN FLAG. EXT. SUBURBAN DRIVEWAY BURLY GUYS look up from washing a FORD TRUCK. EXT. TRAILER PARK Sign next to it reads: "Welcome to Mount Rose, Home of Freda Klinghagen, Minnesota's Oldest Living Lutheran" complete with a photo of the extremely old woman smiling and waving. EXT. CREW VAN An ELDERLY COUPLE looks in the passenger window of the van. ELDERLY MAN (MAYOR) Oh, yah-sure, Freda, yah. She was the oldest livin' Lutheran. Now she's dead as a doornail. It's them damn Shriners who ain't taken that Goddamn sign down yet - those lazy sons-a- bitches... I tells kem, I tells kem every goddamn year, "Take the Goddamn Freda sign down, you lazy sons-a-bitches!" SUPER: MAYOR OF MOUNT ROSE INT. GLADYS' VAN - DAY Through the window a family waves to Gladys. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY Two BOYS play basketball in the driveway of their home. EXT. FRONT LAWN - DAY SMALL CHILDREN in bathing suits play on a lawn. A boy shoots his water pistol. INT. LEEMAN STATION WAGON - AFTERNOON Civil Servettes and crew are piled in. Gladys drives. GLADYS ...Today's "To Do" list includes a trip to the Mall of America. We need outfits for the "Physical Fitness" number -- IRIS Nothin' too showy! GLADYS Y'betcha, Iris. We still need a third judge and we need to think of a theme. Servettes react with pleasure. IRIS Gladys -- Gladys! Look out! A CAR SWERVES. GLADYS Oh, my! (waving out window) Hello, Father Donigan! Sidewalks, sidewalks? Iris mimes drinking, "glug, glug." GLADYS (cont'd) Iris, stop! (to camera) It's not his fault. The communal wine just proves too temptin' for some of them. IRIS That's why we Lutherans use grape Koolaid for the blood of Christ. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA In the vast, already full parking lot, we see Gladys Leeman's station wagon searching for a parking spot. IRIS Oh, there's a parking space over there. Oh, no, that's just a compact. Sorry. GLADYS You'd think they'd build the parking lot of America to go with the Mall of America! Gladys pulls into a HANDICAPPED SPOT. Servettes and CAMERA stand outside the car. Iris points at the sign. IRIS It's a two-hundred dollar fine! GLADYS I said I'd move if a cripple came. Let's just run in the store and pick out some outfits. IRIS All right, let's go. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA PARKING LOT Iris and another Servette start to get out of the car. GLADYS Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! I just thought of the theme. Iris and the Servette stop. IRIS Oh! What is it? GLADYS (cont'd) "Proud...to be...an...American." Servettes react with pleasure. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOA PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So what was the theme of the pageant last year? GLADYS Last year? It was, "Buy American." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) And the year before that? GLADYS "U.S.A. is A-okay." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Can you remember the theme of your favorite pageant? GLADYS "Can I? I'm Amer-I-Can!" People ask me where I get this. I don't know, it's...maybe a gift from God or somethin'. INT. MOUNT ROSE HIGH - GYM - DAY PAN DOWN row of EIGHT GIRLS signing up and eating bars. SUPER: LOCAL PAGEANT REGISTRATION, MOUNT ROSE HIGH SCHOOL ANGLE ON LESLIE MILLER - sexy/peppy girl in CHEERLEADING UNIFORM. LESLIE MILLER ...Hi. (giggles) I'm Leslie Miller. I'm signin' up kcause-ah, y'know, I always watch pageants on the TV and my boyfriend thinks I'll win. SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, LESLIE MILLER She makes "gills" on the sides of her head with her hands. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) For my talent, I'm gonna be doing the.. Two FOOTBALL PLAYERS interrupt: PAT, her boyfriend, and BRETT, who smiles and gives a nod to Amber. Pat grabs Leslie and kisses her hard. LESLIE (cont'd) Uh, Pat, I'm trying to tell themabout my...Oh... Hormones take over and they lock lips again. She wraps her legs around him. He feels up her ass. They continue groping as her Washington Monument slips off. CUT TO: Leslie waves and blows kisses while performing a cheerleader chant. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) Hi, Pat! Go, Muskies! Whoo! INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM AMBER ATKINS - naturally pretty blonde, sweet as sugar pie, stares into camera like a deer caught in headlights. AMBER ATKINS (suddenly looking O.C.) Hi, I-I'm Amber Atkins and, um, I'm signin' up k'cause, ah, my two favorite people in the world competed. My mom and Diane Sawyer...Course I hope I end up a little more like Diane Sawyer than my mom... She flashes a GRIN, we melt. INT. FUNERAL HOME/EMBALMING ROOM - DAY Amber tap-dances as she applies make-up to a MALE CORPSE. SUPER: CONTESTANT #1, AMBER ATKINS DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you do any of the, uh, embalming? AMBER (laughing) Oh, my God, no. Oh, God. I just do the hair and makeup on the deceased. EXT. ROAD - DAY Amber tap dances at the side of the road as traffic passes. AMBER (V.O.) I'm lucky I have an after-school job where I can practice my talent. EXT. MOA PARKING LOT - DAY GLADYS Oh, yeah, sure. You know, every pageant is special, but this one is extra-special to me. When I was seventeen, I don't know if you know this, but I was crowned Mount Rose's American Teen Princess. And this year...drum roll please, my lovely daughter, Rebecca Ann Leeman is competin'. INT. HIGH SCHOOL REBECCA LEEMAN stands in front of Amber and addresses the camerman (O.S.). BECKY Is this my mark? (it is) Hi, I'm Rebecca Leeman. And I believe this pageant is an important experience for every young woman. It, well, it teaches you what's really important in life, and it has the power to change you in ways you've never dreamed of. INT. GUN RANGE Becky, in shooting goggles and ear muffs, FIRES a Glock- 17 9mm pistol with both hands. Sign on wall reads: "Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club." (See Iona in b.g. with an arsenal of sniper weaponry.) BECKY (yelling over noise) ...What?! Klinghagen thinks it'll all come down to me and Amber? Becky stops firing and takes off her hear muffs. BECKY (cont'd) Well, you have to take everything Mrs. Klinghagen says with a grain of salt. Not all your Catholics go to communion for the wafers, if you know what I mean... JUMP CUT TO: INT. LUTHERAN SISTERHOOD GUN RANGE - LATER Becky thumbs bullets into her magazine as she talks. BECKY ...Yah-my mom gave me this nine-mil for my thirteenth birthday... SUPER: CONTESTANT #6, BECKY LEEMAN I'll always remember what she wrote in the card. "Jesus loves winners." That's why, no matter what I do... She shoves the magazine back in her pistol. BECKY (cont'd) I aim to win. She smiles to camera, then violently fires off a few rounds. Zoom in on the MALE TARGET: several bullet holes in the head. INT. "NEW YORK, NEW YORK" BEDROOM - DAY It's all NEW YORK MEMORABILIA. Lisa Swenson - big bubbly girl - sits on her bed. LISA Why? Well, uh, it's kind of like askin', "Why do all the guys chew Copenhagen?" You know? I mean, if you're seventeen and you're not a total fry, it's just what you do. ETHEL MERMAN's "Everything's Coming Up Roses" PLAYS over speakers. SUPER: CONTESTANT #7, LISA SWENSON DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Have you decided what your talent is going to be yet? LISA I'm gonna sing and dance to, "New York, New York." See, I fell in love with The Big Apple last summer when I was visitin' my brother. He followed his dream to New York. PICKS UP 8x10's, shows to camera. LISA (cont'd) This is Peter as Liza. This is him as Madonna. Oh, here's me with him as Barbara... INT. "GERMAN SHEPHERD" BEDROOM - DAY TESS WEINHAUS, wearing an "I love German Shepherds" t- shirt. The room is filled with German Shepherd paraphernalia. TESS Uh... I don't know what my talent's gonna be yet... SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, TESS WEINHAUS TESS (cont'd) Kenny. Kenny, come. Come, Kenny. A DACHSHUND enters and jumps on her lap. TESS (cont'd) This is Kenny. Spike, my German Shepherd, went to live with a nice family on a farm after he attacked me. It wasn't his fault. I had beef jerky in my front pocket. (pulling up shirt) They re-made my belly with skin from my butt. DISSOLVE TO: INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY - DAY IONA HILDERBRANDT - librarian, 65+ - stamps books. SUPER: IONA HILDERBRANDT, MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS - 1945 IONA HILDERBRANTDT (smoked for sixty years) I was Mount Rose American Teen Princess in 1945. We were at war with the Japs. ANGLE ON A vintage B&W photograph of 18-year-old IONA HILDERBRANDT, looking surprised with hands on cheeks, is being crowned MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS by TWO SOLDIERS on a GYM STAGE. YOUNG IONA, wearing TIARA, stands with SOLDIERS and WAR OFFICIALS beside a boiling pot of metal. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (V.O.) (cont'd) I didn't even get to keep my damn tiara. Iona's about to drop her tiara into a recycling bin. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (cont'd) Had to turn it in for scrap. DISSOLVE TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM MOLLY HOWARD, a large white girl, sits between a JAPANESE COUPLE, Mr. and Mrs. HOWARD. SUPER: CONTESTANT #5, MOLLY HOWARD MR. HOWARD (heavy accent) ... So we adopt Molly three year ago when we come to America, to help acclimate us to American. MOLLY (smiling) To America, Dad. Mr. Howard laughs. MRS. HOWARD She all-American girl. She our American Teen Princess girl. MOLLY Oh, Mom... The Howard's biological daughter (they renamed her "TINA") ENTERS FRAME. Although she's the picture of beauty, grace, talent and charm, she represents their old life. TINA (in Japanese) Excuse me, Father, Mother, when are we moving back to Tokyo? I can't stand this place anymore. They put butter on everything. MR. HOWARD (turning, suddenly angry) English! English, you stupid little retard! We America now, Tina! TINA (perfect English) I'm sorry, Dad, but with all due respect, my name isn't "Tina," it's Seiko. MR. HOWARD Tina! Tina!! TINA!!! MRS. HOWARD "Robert," settle down. MR. HOWARD (screaming) AHHHHHH! Mr. Howard suddenly grabs his chest. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene. Mr. Howard is gone. TINA Mom, I just finished the third movement of that concerto I was working on. I put, like, this techno beat on this Japanese folk tune - wanna hear it? MR. HOWARD (running down the hall) No! We not like to hear it! Go to your room and shut up! TINA Oh, I almost forgot... (removing envelope from pocket) I got my acceptance to Tokyo University. MR. HOWARD What, you deaf? I say shut up-shut up- SHUT UP! (coming at camera) Cut her outta this! JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene on couch. MR. HOWARD Now Molly, tell movie man what you talent do. MOLLY I'll be line dancin'. MR. HOWARD (giving thumbs up) Country western! MRS. HOWARD Clint Black! Ruff! MR. HOWARD Hey, what he got I not got? They all laugh. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE CLOSE ON Michelle Johanson's face. MICHELLE ... Yah-I'll be performing a dramatic monologue. SUPER: CONTESTANT #2, MICHELLE JOHANSON MICHELLE (cont'd) Right now, I'm thinkin' "Othello" or... "Soylent Green." Lots of girls make a smooth transition from pageants into actin', y'know. SMASH CUT TO: LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) CONNIE, mid-30's, Midwestern attractive, wearing a sash and tiara, stands in front of a BLUE SCREEN of a FOREST. CONNIE Competin' for the title of Minnesota's American Teen Princess sure was excitin'. But, I never coulda won without my... PULL BACK to reveal a table full of PORK PRODUCTS. CONNIE (cont'd) St. Paul Pork Products! LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SCREEN CHANGES to OUTSIDE FACTORY/STOCK YARDS. Connie now wears a coat and hat and acts as if it's chilly. CONNIE (cont'd) I've been enjoyin' St. Paul Pork Products for years. I grew up right next to these stock yards. SCREEN CHANGES to VIDEO of a SLAUGHTER LINE. PIG CARCASSES move on hooks. Connie wears a hard hat and blood stained butcher's apron. CONNIE (cont'd) It's still the same family-run business that Walter and Vera Polarski started in 1920 when they raised and slaughtered their first pig. Connie grabs a HOT DOG from O.C. and takes a bite. CONNIE (cont'd) Mmm-mmmm. I just love St. Paul Pork Products. In fact, I love kem so much LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SLIDE CHANGES to VIDEO of the SAUSAGE LINE. Workers stuff sausages. Connie wears a white jumpsuit and hairnet. CONNIE (cont'd) I work here now! INT. BETZ LIVING ROOM - NIGHT MRS. BETZ, a large woman, holds a tray of bars. CREW MEMBERS REACH IN THE SHOT and help themselves. JANELLE BETZ sits on the couch, SIGNING EVERYTHING she says. JANELLE (slow, due to signing) ...My talent will be an interpretive dance while I sing, "Through the Eyes of Love." I have a dream of spreadin' sign language around the world... Mom? Would you be so kind? SUPER: CONTESTANT #8, JANELLE BETZ JANELLE (cont'd) Yeah. Well, see, uh, I have a dream of spreading sign language around the world. (to Mrs. Betz) Mom, would you be so kind. Mrs. Betz quickly puts down the bars and goes to the piano where she starts "Through the Eyes of Love." Janelle begins to gesticulate and sign words in an overly dramatic performance that looks like a bizarre seizure. SOUND occasionally DIPS OUT as the BOOM OPERATOR reaches for bars. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER TAMMY CURRY - a cute, jock-type. She wears a LETTER JACKET, covered with VARSITY SPORTS PATCHES. TAMMY CURRY Tammy Curry. I'm signin' up for the scholarship'n'all. SMASH CUT TO: INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM She POINTS to VARIOUS PATCHES on her LETTER JACKET. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) ...This one's for Varsity Soccer, uh, I'm captain. (pointing) I run track, and, uh... (points to small gun patch) Right here, I'm the new President of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club... ANGLE ON LSGC PRESIDENT logo patch. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) (O.S.) I love that one. EXT. FARM FIELD Shot from crew van. Sun is setting behind a lovely field of green. A John Deere Thresher travels across the burning red horizon. DOCUMENTARIAN (V.O.) Would you say you have a good chance to win this pageant? SUPER: CONTESTANT #9, TAMMY CURRY TAMMY (V.O.) Yeah, you bet I do. I mean, maybe other people think I can't win a beauty pageant. But other people didn't think I could beat out Becky Leeman for President of the gun club, either. And I did. I-I-It's just like Anthony Robbins says, "I'm a winner. Nobody can stop me but me!" KABLOOM! Tammy's John Deere thresher BLOWS UP! INT. LUTHERAN CHURCH BASEMENT - KITCHEN AREA - NIGHT CLOSE ON framed school photo of Tammy Curry. PULL BACK to see her letter jacket - scorched and torn (Lutheran Gun Club patch is MISSING) - and flowers. CONTINUE PULLING BACK to reveal both are surrounded by buns, bars and coffee on a long buffet table. A line of somber and repressed Lutherans help themselves to the food. Servettes stand at the ready. Gladys and Iris face the camera. GLADYS Well, you know, I think everyone's doing really well considering the fact that she was so young. IRIS It's always hard to see the young ones called home, especially on an exploding thresher. It's just so odd and gross. GLADYS You know that sometimes it's hard to understand God's great plan. IRIS Yeah. Iris pats Gladys on the shoulder. FEMALE MOURNER #1 May I have a tissue? GLADYS But the show must go on. (she faces Iris) I gotta get a hold of Ted and ask him if we can use that barn light as a spot again. So you watch the Jell-o salad, okay? IRIS All right. Okay. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER It's smokey as hell. THREE "FRY" GIRLS and a PREGNANT "FRY" GIRL - all with "shelf bangs" - smoke and drink. FRY GIRL #1 ...Oh, yeah-right. I ain't gonna be in no goddamn pageant! Look what happened to that dork-ass farm girl. PREGNANT FRY GIRL (O.C.) Tammy Curry? FRY GIRL #1 Yah-yah. Everyone says this is a big accident? She got iced because she wins everything, and this time someone didn't want her to win. PREGNANT FRY GIRL This pageant's like a roach motel. FRY GIRL #1 Girls check in, but they don't check out. PREGNANT FRY GIRL Yeah. And they say smokin' is bad for your health. FRY GIRL #1 (raising cigarette into frame) Yeah. EXT. OLD TWO STORY HOUSE - ESTABLISHING - DAY SIGN painted on GARAGE DOOR: "Dance Studio, Downstairs past the Laundry Room." CAMERA moves DOWNSTAIRS to converted basement. LISA SWENSON and two other large "ballerinas" practice at a 2x4/ballet barre. MOZART plays in the b.g. CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN watches and smokes. (Picture Betty Davis in her final days.) CHLORIS And tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. And repeat. Suck in the belly, girls, and tuck in the tushes! SUPER: CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN, CHOREOGRAPHER CHLORIS (cont'd) Close those legs! You look like a bunch of bowlegged cows! Other side. And...tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. CUT TO: Chloris smokes and talks to camera. "Ballerinas" practice. CHLORIS (cont'd) Yeah, you boys sure picked a good year. If I was a betting woman, and there was a line on this in Vegas, I'd lay down ten-to-one that it all comes down to Amber Atkins and Becky Leeman. Oh, sweet Jesus, what a showdown this could be if Cain and Abel... The SOUND RECORDIST enters and Lisa spins out of control, taking him out. She leans over and comforts him. LISA Ow! Oh, God. It's so em-so embarrassing. EST. SHOT - "DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC" - DAY MARY (V.O.) (labored breaths) My winning...the Mount Rose... INT. PATIENT'S ROOM - DAY SMILING ANOREXIC GIRL sits in bed - a TIARA in what's left of her hair and a SASH over her hospital gown. MARY ...American Teen Princess Pageant... SUPER: MARY JOHANSON, REIGNING MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS MARY (cont'd) ...really changed my life. The TIARA SLIPS OFF her BALDING HEAD and rolls to the floor. INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber fixes Mary's hair, carefully brushing her balding head. Mary smiles, oblivious. MARY (labored breaths) ...Amber does my hair...once a week. AMBER (flattered and embarrassed) Well...it's the least I can do for the reigning Mount Rose Junior Miss Amer-- Amber pulls the brush away with a clump of Mary's hair dangling from it. AMBER (cont'd) Oh God... MARY What? AMBER Huh? Oh...Uh, just a little snarl... Amber mouths, "Shhh! Don't tell!" to camera as she tries to pull the clump of hair from the brush. JUMP CUT TO: INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber ties the tiara and missing clump of hair to Mary's head with a ribbon. AMBER There we go. She holds the mirror for Mary. MARY (delusional) Beautiful... Maybe next week... a perm. AMBER Yah... sure... Amber gives a kind but worried smile to camera. Suddenly, Becky Leeman enters with a large box of chocolates. She's fully aware of the cameras from the moment she enters. BECKY Hellooo, Little Mary Sunshine! (pretending to notice camera) What?! Oh-oh my God! Lights! Camera! And me without a stitch of make-up on. What are you guys doin' here? She's in full make-up. AMBER What're you doin' here? BECKY Oh, Amber, like you're the only one who visits Mary. MARY (to Becky) Who are you? BECKY (covering) "Who are you?!" Oh Mary, you kill me. (to camera) She always says that. It's a little game we play. Every week - same dippy little look on her face. "Who are you - who are you?" Just like that. (in Mary's face) It's me - Becky - and I brought your favorites. Becky puts the chocolates on Mary's lap, a few spill. Throughout the following, Mary slowly reaches for them as if they're forbidden fruit and she's a very hungry Eve. AMBER How nice, Becky, she's anorexic. Becky roughly puts her hands over Mary's ears, who's now gently petting the spilled chocolates in her lap. BECKY (sotto, reprimanding tone) She's skinny, not deaf, Amber. EXT. TRAILER - LATE AFTERNOON MONTAGE - Amber taps around the mobile home community, HOME FROM SCHOOL - backpack, Walkman, cool music blaring. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber stands in a room the SIZE OF A CLOSET. Posters, articles and pictures of great tap dancers and Diane Sawyer cover the walls. AMBER ... Dreams? Yah-sure I got kem... Sometimes I dream of winnin'... I dream of gettin' outta Mount Rose and bein' a big time reporter like Diane Sawyer. I mean, guys get outta Mount Rose all the time for hockey scholarships or prison. But the pageant's kinda my only chance. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber points to LARGE PAGEANT PHOTO OF DIANE SAWYER - 1963 AMBER ... Yah-1963. Her beauty worked against her when she started as a reporter in Louisville, her hometown. Those were different times. ANNETTE (O.S.) (yelling, coughing) Hey, Amber, y'get my smokes? AMBER (smiling) That's my mom. (yelling) I'll get kem in a sec. ANNETTE ATKINS, Amber's mom - sexy, but tired - OPENS THE DOOR. ANNETTE (surprised by cameras) Oh shit! AMBER They're from L.A. They wanted to see my room and film me for their movie. ANNETTE (mock-touched, to crew) Oh... How quickly they grow up. (exiting, smiling) Hey, if they ask you to take off your shirt, get the money first. Annette is gone. ANNETTE (cont'd) (O.S.) And go get my smokes! JUMP CUT TO: EST. SHOT - LEEMAN FAMILY HOME - DAY Landscaped grounds surround this lovely two-story. INT. LEEMAN HOME - VARIOUS ROOMS Brief "LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH & FAMOUS" montage of Gladys showing off interiors to the theme from "GONE WITH THE WIND." INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY It looks like a Levitz showroom. Gladys sits stiffly between Becky and her husband, LESTER - mid-60's, gruff, "old school" salesman, drink in hand. LESTER ...You betcha. S'posed to be colder-n- a witches tit tonight... GLADYS (nervous laugh) Oh, Lester. He loves his weather, y'know. LESTER (looking to crew, O.S.) Hey, ya like it? Open it...Yah-the globe. Pull at the equator there. GLADYS We're not in the showroom, Dear. Banging and fumbling. A CORKSCREW flies into shot - CREW GUY quickly ENTERS SHOT and grabs it. LESTER Fits three full-size booze bottles. The cassette deck pulls outta Afghanistan, there. BECKY (embarrassed) Mommm... GLADYS Lester? LESTER Oh, all right (to camera) How soon they forget where all this comes from. BECKY Japan. LESTER That's enough, young lady. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER GLADYS "Impartial?" Outside this house I'm Gladys Leeman, President, Civil Servettes - impartial as the day is long. But we're inside my home now and I've gotta warn you, I'm wearin' my "wife apron" and "mom hat." So, I can safely say that I'm the mother of the most talented contestant Mount Rose has ever seen. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER Lester's gone from the couch. GLADYS I'll field that one - Rebecca's saving her voice. Becky smiles admiringly at Gladys. GLADYS (cont'd) You-betcha, Rebecca's ready. She's been singin' and dancin' since she was knee high to a pig's eye. Lester returns to the couch, large drink in hand. LESTER Yah-she's damn near as good as that little black fella - with the glass eye. GLADYS Sammy Davis, Jr., honey. LESTER Yeah, yeah, the Jew. BECKY Nice one, Dad. He's dead. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Same scene. BOYS' WRESTLING TEAM - tight singlets - runs laps around gym - between Servettes and camera. GLADYS ...Yah-then, for the "Judges Interview," each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges before the pageant... Gladys is distracted by the HARD, YOUNG bodies. All are. GLADYS Yes, the Judges Interview.. Each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges prior to the pageant. Then we have the... A HUNKY WRESTLER, TONY, waves. GLADYS (cont'd) Hello, Tony. TONY Hey. GLADYS "Hey" to

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Drop Dead Gorgeous Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> DROP DEAD GORGEOUS DROP DEAD GORGEOUS FADE IN: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - MINNESOTA - DAY Vintage black and white stock footage of some farms and farmhouses. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY Color footage of cotton fields passing by. We FREEZE and FADE TO BLACK. TITLE WIPES IN: 1995 MARKED THE FIFTIETH ANNIVERSARY OF THE NATION'S OLDEST BEAUTY CONTEST... THE SARAH ROSE COSMETICS AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS PAGEANT A DOCUMENTARY FILM CREW WAS SENT TO A SMALL TOWN IN MINNESOTA TO COMMEMORATE THIS OCCASSION. INT. PAGEANT AUDITORIUM - MOUNT ROSE - DAY Vintage blue-toned stock footage of a teenage beauty pageant contestant. LEGS WIPE IN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Sarah Rose knows you're a beautiful person.... Blue-toned stock footage of a long row of beauty pageant contestants on stage. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Sarah Rose knows you have an unusual talent. Sarah Rose knows you're a teenage girl. Blue-toned stock footage of the row of contestants parading down some steps from the stage as CAMERA TILTS DOWN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Mmm, and she definitely knows that you are ready for the ultimate teen glamour. ROUSING PATRIOTIC MUSIC. FAST PACED CUTS feature SMILING TEENAGE CONTESTANTS dancing and waving American flags. APPLAUSE! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant. Each contestant wears a BANNER ACROSS her dress reading: AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) And now, a few words... ANGLE ON Contestants DROP, ROLL and form a STAR. CHEERS! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) ...from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. ADAM WEST The American Teen Princess Pageant has been enriching the lives of American- made girls since 1945. TITLES FADE ON SCREEN: Adam West, TV's Batman, then FADE OUT. ADAM WEST (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant provides personal growth, scholarship, travel, and you... Numerous contestants stand up in SHOT and SURROUND ADAM. ADAM WEST (cont'd) ...might even meet a few celebrities. At the national level, thousands of seventeen year-old girls like yourselves. and compete around the country in places like: MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Beautiful Mount Rose, Minnesota. ADAM WEST And make it all the way here to Lincoln, Alabama, to compete for the title of American Teen Princess. LIGHTS come UP on the teenaged girls in the pageant as they pause. As they WAVE AMERICAN FLAGS. Adam West turns back to the camera. ADAM WEST (cont'd) And now, a few words from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. Contestants strike a pose around him. THUNDEROUS CANNED APPLAUSE! ADAM WEST (cont'd) (pointing to camera) So, which one of you will it b-- SCREEN SUDDENLY STATIC. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY SCENE from "DAYS OF OUR LIVES" PULL BACK to reveal the VIDEO is on a TV in front of a GROUP OF SEVENTEEN YEAR-OLD GIRLS, sitting in gym bleachers. [NOTE: The film is shot documentary style. PEOPLE ARE REAL. Their lives revolve around this pageant. All speak with a THICK MINNESOTA ACCENT.] THREE "CIVIL SERVETTES," the local women's group. [Picture unattractive Stepford Wives in matching windbreakers] stand beside GLADYS LEEMAN, 34, president. She STOPS THE VIDEO. GLADYS LEEMAN Good God, Iris, you taped your shows over it. IRIS Sorry. Gladys turns to the GIRLS in the bleachers. SUPER: MOUNT ROSE, MINNESOTA POPULATION: 5,076 GLADYS LEEMAN Now ladies, the rest of the tape - which is now gone forever - goes on about startin' this great American journey we call American Teen Princess...Yah-so, any of you young ladies who'd like to start on that journey, you just come right down here and sign up. And please...help yourselves to some coffee and bars... SMASH EDIT TO: Gladys seated with middle-aged women. GLADYS Showtime. SUPER: GLADYS LEEMAN, LOCAL CHAIRMAN, PAGEANT ORGANIZING COMMITTEE. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you think that most people would say that teenage beauty pageants are a good idea? GLADYS Oh yah-sure, I know what some of your big city, no bra wearin', hairy-legged women's libbers say, "Pageants are old- fashioned" and, uh, and "demeaning" to the girls -- IRIS (jumping in) What's sick is women dressin' like men! Civil Servettes stare at her a beat. GLADYS Uh... You betcha, Iris. (quickly, back to camera) Yah-I think yous boys'll find that things are different here in Mount Rose... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) For one thing, y'know, we're God fearin' folk - every last one of us... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) You won't find a back room in our video store... Servettes AD-LIB "AMEN. YAH-YOU BETCHA." etc. GLADYS (cont'd) (V.O.) ...that filth is better left in the "Sin Cities." IRIS A.k.a. Minneapolis - St. Paul. PULL AWAY from MINNEAPOLIS SKYLINE to COUNTRYSIDE. EXT. QUAINT MAIN STREET The camera drives down the street. EXT. PICTURESQUE MIDDLE-CLASS NEIGHBORHOODS The camera drives down the street. EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE A HAPPY FAMILY raises the AMERICAN FLAG. EXT. SUBURBAN DRIVEWAY BURLY GUYS look up from washing a FORD TRUCK. EXT. TRAILER PARK Sign next to it reads: "Welcome to Mount Rose, Home of Freda Klinghagen, Minnesota's Oldest Living Lutheran" complete with a photo of the extremely old woman smiling and waving. EXT. CREW VAN An ELDERLY COUPLE looks in the passenger window of the van. ELDERLY MAN (MAYOR) Oh, yah-sure, Freda, yah. She was the oldest livin' Lutheran. Now she's dead as a doornail. It's them damn Shriners who ain't taken that Goddamn sign down yet - those lazy sons-a- bitches... I tells kem, I tells kem every goddamn year, "Take the Goddamn Freda sign down, you lazy sons-a-bitches!" SUPER: MAYOR OF MOUNT ROSE INT. GLADYS' VAN - DAY Through the window a family waves to Gladys. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY Two BOYS play basketball in the driveway of their home. EXT. FRONT LAWN - DAY SMALL CHILDREN in bathing suits play on a lawn. A boy shoots his water pistol. INT. LEEMAN STATION WAGON - AFTERNOON Civil Servettes and crew are piled in. Gladys drives. GLADYS ...Today's "To Do" list includes a trip to the Mall of America. We need outfits for the "Physical Fitness" number -- IRIS Nothin' too showy! GLADYS Y'betcha, Iris. We still need a third judge and we need to think of a theme. Servettes react with pleasure. IRIS Gladys -- Gladys! Look out! A CAR SWERVES. GLADYS Oh, my! (waving out window) Hello, Father Donigan! Sidewalks, sidewalks? Iris mimes drinking, "glug, glug." GLADYS (cont'd) Iris, stop! (to camera) It's not his fault. The communal wine just proves too temptin' for some of them. IRIS That's why we Lutherans use grape Koolaid for the blood of Christ. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA In the vast, already full parking lot, we see Gladys Leeman's station wagon searching for a parking spot. IRIS Oh, there's a parking space over there. Oh, no, that's just a compact. Sorry. GLADYS You'd think they'd build the parking lot of America to go with the Mall of America! Gladys pulls into a HANDICAPPED SPOT. Servettes and CAMERA stand outside the car. Iris points at the sign. IRIS It's a two-hundred dollar fine! GLADYS I said I'd move if a cripple came. Let's just run in the store and pick out some outfits. IRIS All right, let's go. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA PARKING LOT Iris and another Servette start to get out of the car. GLADYS Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! I just thought of the theme. Iris and the Servette stop. IRIS Oh! What is it? GLADYS (cont'd) "Proud...to be...an...American." Servettes react with pleasure. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOA PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So what was the theme of the pageant last year? GLADYS Last year? It was, "Buy American." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) And the year before that? GLADYS "U.S.A. is A-okay." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Can you remember the theme of your favorite pageant? GLADYS "Can I? I'm Amer-I-Can!" People ask me where I get this. I don't know, it's...maybe a gift from God or somethin'. INT. MOUNT ROSE HIGH - GYM - DAY PAN DOWN row of EIGHT GIRLS signing up and eating bars. SUPER: LOCAL PAGEANT REGISTRATION, MOUNT ROSE HIGH SCHOOL ANGLE ON LESLIE MILLER - sexy/peppy girl in CHEERLEADING UNIFORM. LESLIE MILLER ...Hi. (giggles) I'm Leslie Miller. I'm signin' up kcause-ah, y'know, I always watch pageants on the TV and my boyfriend thinks I'll win. SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, LESLIE MILLER She makes "gills" on the sides of her head with her hands. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) For my talent, I'm gonna be doing the.. Two FOOTBALL PLAYERS interrupt: PAT, her boyfriend, and BRETT, who smiles and gives a nod to Amber. Pat grabs Leslie and kisses her hard. LESLIE (cont'd) Uh, Pat, I'm trying to tell themabout my...Oh... Hormones take over and they lock lips again. She wraps her legs around him. He feels up her ass. They continue groping as her Washington Monument slips off. CUT TO: Leslie waves and blows kisses while performing a cheerleader chant. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) Hi, Pat! Go, Muskies! Whoo! INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM AMBER ATKINS - naturally pretty blonde, sweet as sugar pie, stares into camera like a deer caught in headlights. AMBER ATKINS (suddenly looking O.C.) Hi, I-I'm Amber Atkins and, um, I'm signin' up k'cause, ah, my two favorite people in the world competed. My mom and Diane Sawyer...Course I hope I end up a little more like Diane Sawyer than my mom... She flashes a GRIN, we melt. INT. FUNERAL HOME/EMBALMING ROOM - DAY Amber tap-dances as she applies make-up to a MALE CORPSE. SUPER: CONTESTANT #1, AMBER ATKINS DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you do any of the, uh, embalming? AMBER (laughing) Oh, my God, no. Oh, God. I just do the hair and makeup on the deceased. EXT. ROAD - DAY Amber tap dances at the side of the road as traffic passes. AMBER (V.O.) I'm lucky I have an after-school job where I can practice my talent. EXT. MOA PARKING LOT - DAY GLADYS Oh, yeah, sure. You know, every pageant is special, but this one is extra-special to me. When I was seventeen, I don't know if you know this, but I was crowned Mount Rose's American Teen Princess. And this year...drum roll please, my lovely daughter, Rebecca Ann Leeman is competin'. INT. HIGH SCHOOL REBECCA LEEMAN stands in front of Amber and addresses the camerman (O.S.). BECKY Is this my mark? (it is) Hi, I'm Rebecca Leeman. And I believe this pageant is an important experience for every young woman. It, well, it teaches you what's really important in life, and it has the power to change you in ways you've never dreamed of. INT. GUN RANGE Becky, in shooting goggles and ear muffs, FIRES a Glock- 17 9mm pistol with both hands. Sign on wall reads: "Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club." (See Iona in b.g. with an arsenal of sniper weaponry.) BECKY (yelling over noise) ...What?! Klinghagen thinks it'll all come down to me and Amber? Becky stops firing and takes off her hear muffs. BECKY (cont'd) Well, you have to take everything Mrs. Klinghagen says with a grain of salt. Not all your Catholics go to communion for the wafers, if you know what I mean... JUMP CUT TO: INT. LUTHERAN SISTERHOOD GUN RANGE - LATER Becky thumbs bullets into her magazine as she talks. BECKY ...Yah-my mom gave me this nine-mil for my thirteenth birthday... SUPER: CONTESTANT #6, BECKY LEEMAN I'll always remember what she wrote in the card. "Jesus loves winners." That's why, no matter what I do... She shoves the magazine back in her pistol. BECKY (cont'd) I aim to win. She smiles to camera, then violently fires off a few rounds. Zoom in on the MALE TARGET: several bullet holes in the head. INT. "NEW YORK, NEW YORK" BEDROOM - DAY It's all NEW YORK MEMORABILIA. Lisa Swenson - big bubbly girl - sits on her bed. LISA Why? Well, uh, it's kind of like askin', "Why do all the guys chew Copenhagen?" You know? I mean, if you're seventeen and you're not a total fry, it's just what you do. ETHEL MERMAN's "Everything's Coming Up Roses" PLAYS over speakers. SUPER: CONTESTANT #7, LISA SWENSON DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Have you decided what your talent is going to be yet? LISA I'm gonna sing and dance to, "New York, New York." See, I fell in love with The Big Apple last summer when I was visitin' my brother. He followed his dream to New York. PICKS UP 8x10's, shows to camera. LISA (cont'd) This is Peter as Liza. This is him as Madonna. Oh, here's me with him as Barbara... INT. "GERMAN SHEPHERD" BEDROOM - DAY TESS WEINHAUS, wearing an "I love German Shepherds" t- shirt. The room is filled with German Shepherd paraphernalia. TESS Uh... I don't know what my talent's gonna be yet... SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, TESS WEINHAUS TESS (cont'd) Kenny. Kenny, come. Come, Kenny. A DACHSHUND enters and jumps on her lap. TESS (cont'd) This is Kenny. Spike, my German Shepherd, went to live with a nice family on a farm after he attacked me. It wasn't his fault. I had beef jerky in my front pocket. (pulling up shirt) They re-made my belly with skin from my butt. DISSOLVE TO: INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY - DAY IONA HILDERBRANDT - librarian, 65+ - stamps books. SUPER: IONA HILDERBRANDT, MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS - 1945 IONA HILDERBRANTDT (smoked for sixty years) I was Mount Rose American Teen Princess in 1945. We were at war with the Japs. ANGLE ON A vintage B&W photograph of 18-year-old IONA HILDERBRANDT, looking surprised with hands on cheeks, is being crowned MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS by TWO SOLDIERS on a GYM STAGE. YOUNG IONA, wearing TIARA, stands with SOLDIERS and WAR OFFICIALS beside a boiling pot of metal. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (V.O.) (cont'd) I didn't even get to keep my damn tiara. Iona's about to drop her tiara into a recycling bin. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (cont'd) Had to turn it in for scrap. DISSOLVE TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM MOLLY HOWARD, a large white girl, sits between a JAPANESE COUPLE, Mr. and Mrs. HOWARD. SUPER: CONTESTANT #5, MOLLY HOWARD MR. HOWARD (heavy accent) ... So we adopt Molly three year ago when we come to America, to help acclimate us to American. MOLLY (smiling) To America, Dad. Mr. Howard laughs. MRS. HOWARD She all-American girl. She our American Teen Princess girl. MOLLY Oh, Mom... The Howard's biological daughter (they renamed her "TINA") ENTERS FRAME. Although she's the picture of beauty, grace, talent and charm, she represents their old life. TINA (in Japanese) Excuse me, Father, Mother, when are we moving back to Tokyo? I can't stand this place anymore. They put butter on everything. MR. HOWARD (turning, suddenly angry) English! English, you stupid little retard! We America now, Tina! TINA (perfect English) I'm sorry, Dad, but with all due respect, my name isn't "Tina," it's Seiko. MR. HOWARD Tina! Tina!! TINA!!! MRS. HOWARD "Robert," settle down. MR. HOWARD (screaming) AHHHHHH! Mr. Howard suddenly grabs his chest. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene. Mr. Howard is gone. TINA Mom, I just finished the third movement of that concerto I was working on. I put, like, this techno beat on this Japanese folk tune - wanna hear it? MR. HOWARD (running down the hall) No! We not like to hear it! Go to your room and shut up! TINA Oh, I almost forgot... (removing envelope from pocket) I got my acceptance to Tokyo University. MR. HOWARD What, you deaf? I say shut up-shut up- SHUT UP! (coming at camera) Cut her outta this! JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene on couch. MR. HOWARD Now Molly, tell movie man what you talent do. MOLLY I'll be line dancin'. MR. HOWARD (giving thumbs up) Country western! MRS. HOWARD Clint Black! Ruff! MR. HOWARD Hey, what he got I not got? They all laugh. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE CLOSE ON Michelle Johanson's face. MICHELLE ... Yah-I'll be performing a dramatic monologue. SUPER: CONTESTANT #2, MICHELLE JOHANSON MICHELLE (cont'd) Right now, I'm thinkin' "Othello" or... "Soylent Green." Lots of girls make a smooth transition from pageants into actin', y'know. SMASH CUT TO: LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) CONNIE, mid-30's, Midwestern attractive, wearing a sash and tiara, stands in front of a BLUE SCREEN of a FOREST. CONNIE Competin' for the title of Minnesota's American Teen Princess sure was excitin'. But, I never coulda won without my... PULL BACK to reveal a table full of PORK PRODUCTS. CONNIE (cont'd) St. Paul Pork Products! LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SCREEN CHANGES to OUTSIDE FACTORY/STOCK YARDS. Connie now wears a coat and hat and acts as if it's chilly. CONNIE (cont'd) I've been enjoyin' St. Paul Pork Products for years. I grew up right next to these stock yards. SCREEN CHANGES to VIDEO of a SLAUGHTER LINE. PIG CARCASSES move on hooks. Connie wears a hard hat and blood stained butcher's apron. CONNIE (cont'd) It's still the same family-run business that Walter and Vera Polarski started in 1920 when they raised and slaughtered their first pig. Connie grabs a HOT DOG from O.C. and takes a bite. CONNIE (cont'd) Mmm-mmmm. I just love St. Paul Pork Products. In fact, I love kem so much LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SLIDE CHANGES to VIDEO of the SAUSAGE LINE. Workers stuff sausages. Connie wears a white jumpsuit and hairnet. CONNIE (cont'd) I work here now! INT. BETZ LIVING ROOM - NIGHT MRS. BETZ, a large woman, holds a tray of bars. CREW MEMBERS REACH IN THE SHOT and help themselves. JANELLE BETZ sits on the couch, SIGNING EVERYTHING she says. JANELLE (slow, due to signing) ...My talent will be an interpretive dance while I sing, "Through the Eyes of Love." I have a dream of spreadin' sign language around the world... Mom? Would you be so kind? SUPER: CONTESTANT #8, JANELLE BETZ JANELLE (cont'd) Yeah. Well, see, uh, I have a dream of spreading sign language around the world. (to Mrs. Betz) Mom, would you be so kind. Mrs. Betz quickly puts down the bars and goes to the piano where she starts "Through the Eyes of Love." Janelle begins to gesticulate and sign words in an overly dramatic performance that looks like a bizarre seizure. SOUND occasionally DIPS OUT as the BOOM OPERATOR reaches for bars. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER TAMMY CURRY - a cute, jock-type. She wears a LETTER JACKET, covered with VARSITY SPORTS PATCHES. TAMMY CURRY Tammy Curry. I'm signin' up for the scholarship'n'all. SMASH CUT TO: INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM She POINTS to VARIOUS PATCHES on her LETTER JACKET. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) ...This one's for Varsity Soccer, uh, I'm captain. (pointing) I run track, and, uh... (points to small gun patch) Right here, I'm the new President of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club... ANGLE ON LSGC PRESIDENT logo patch. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) (O.S.) I love that one. EXT. FARM FIELD Shot from crew van. Sun is setting behind a lovely field of green. A John Deere Thresher travels across the burning red horizon. DOCUMENTARIAN (V.O.) Would you say you have a good chance to win this pageant? SUPER: CONTESTANT #9, TAMMY CURRY TAMMY (V.O.) Yeah, you bet I do. I mean, maybe other people think I can't win a beauty pageant. But other people didn't think I could beat out Becky Leeman for President of the gun club, either. And I did. I-I-It's just like Anthony Robbins says, "I'm a winner. Nobody can stop me but me!" KABLOOM! Tammy's John Deere thresher BLOWS UP! INT. LUTHERAN CHURCH BASEMENT - KITCHEN AREA - NIGHT CLOSE ON framed school photo of Tammy Curry. PULL BACK to see her letter jacket - scorched and torn (Lutheran Gun Club patch is MISSING) - and flowers. CONTINUE PULLING BACK to reveal both are surrounded by buns, bars and coffee on a long buffet table. A line of somber and repressed Lutherans help themselves to the food. Servettes stand at the ready. Gladys and Iris face the camera. GLADYS Well, you know, I think everyone's doing really well considering the fact that she was so young. IRIS It's always hard to see the young ones called home, especially on an exploding thresher. It's just so odd and gross. GLADYS You know that sometimes it's hard to understand God's great plan. IRIS Yeah. Iris pats Gladys on the shoulder. FEMALE MOURNER #1 May I have a tissue? GLADYS But the show must go on. (she faces Iris) I gotta get a hold of Ted and ask him if we can use that barn light as a spot again. So you watch the Jell-o salad, okay? IRIS All right. Okay. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER It's smokey as hell. THREE "FRY" GIRLS and a PREGNANT "FRY" GIRL - all with "shelf bangs" - smoke and drink. FRY GIRL #1 ...Oh, yeah-right. I ain't gonna be in no goddamn pageant! Look what happened to that dork-ass farm girl. PREGNANT FRY GIRL (O.C.) Tammy Curry? FRY GIRL #1 Yah-yah. Everyone says this is a big accident? She got iced because she wins everything, and this time someone didn't want her to win. PREGNANT FRY GIRL This pageant's like a roach motel. FRY GIRL #1 Girls check in, but they don't check out. PREGNANT FRY GIRL Yeah. And they say smokin' is bad for your health. FRY GIRL #1 (raising cigarette into frame) Yeah. EXT. OLD TWO STORY HOUSE - ESTABLISHING - DAY SIGN painted on GARAGE DOOR: "Dance Studio, Downstairs past the Laundry Room." CAMERA moves DOWNSTAIRS to converted basement. LISA SWENSON and two other large "ballerinas" practice at a 2x4/ballet barre. MOZART plays in the b.g. CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN watches and smokes. (Picture Betty Davis in her final days.) CHLORIS And tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. And repeat. Suck in the belly, girls, and tuck in the tushes! SUPER: CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN, CHOREOGRAPHER CHLORIS (cont'd) Close those legs! You look like a bunch of bowlegged cows! Other side. And...tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. CUT TO: Chloris smokes and talks to camera. "Ballerinas" practice. CHLORIS (cont'd) Yeah, you boys sure picked a good year. If I was a betting woman, and there was a line on this in Vegas, I'd lay down ten-to-one that it all comes down to Amber Atkins and Becky Leeman. Oh, sweet Jesus, what a showdown this could be if Cain and Abel... The SOUND RECORDIST enters and Lisa spins out of control, taking him out. She leans over and comforts him. LISA Ow! Oh, God. It's so em-so embarrassing. EST. SHOT - "DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC" - DAY MARY (V.O.) (labored breaths) My winning...the Mount Rose... INT. PATIENT'S ROOM - DAY SMILING ANOREXIC GIRL sits in bed - a TIARA in what's left of her hair and a SASH over her hospital gown. MARY ...American Teen Princess Pageant... SUPER: MARY JOHANSON, REIGNING MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS MARY (cont'd) ...really changed my life. The TIARA SLIPS OFF her BALDING HEAD and rolls to the floor. INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber fixes Mary's hair, carefully brushing her balding head. Mary smiles, oblivious. MARY (labored breaths) ...Amber does my hair...once a week. AMBER (flattered and embarrassed) Well...it's the least I can do for the reigning Mount Rose Junior Miss Amer-- Amber pulls the brush away with a clump of Mary's hair dangling from it. AMBER (cont'd) Oh God... MARY What? AMBER Huh? Oh...Uh, just a little snarl... Amber mouths, "Shhh! Don't tell!" to camera as she tries to pull the clump of hair from the brush. JUMP CUT TO: INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber ties the tiara and missing clump of hair to Mary's head with a ribbon. AMBER There we go. She holds the mirror for Mary. MARY (delusional) Beautiful... Maybe next week... a perm. AMBER Yah... sure... Amber gives a kind but worried smile to camera. Suddenly, Becky Leeman enters with a large box of chocolates. She's fully aware of the cameras from the moment she enters. BECKY Hellooo, Little Mary Sunshine! (pretending to notice camera) What?! Oh-oh my God! Lights! Camera! And me without a stitch of make-up on. What are you guys doin' here? She's in full make-up. AMBER What're you doin' here? BECKY Oh, Amber, like you're the only one who visits Mary. MARY (to Becky) Who are you? BECKY (covering) "Who are you?!" Oh Mary, you kill me. (to camera) She always says that. It's a little game we play. Every week - same dippy little look on her face. "Who are you - who are you?" Just like that. (in Mary's face) It's me - Becky - and I brought your favorites. Becky puts the chocolates on Mary's lap, a few spill. Throughout the following, Mary slowly reaches for them as if they're forbidden fruit and she's a very hungry Eve. AMBER How nice, Becky, she's anorexic. Becky roughly puts her hands over Mary's ears, who's now gently petting the spilled chocolates in her lap. BECKY (sotto, reprimanding tone) She's skinny, not deaf, Amber. EXT. TRAILER - LATE AFTERNOON MONTAGE - Amber taps around the mobile home community, HOME FROM SCHOOL - backpack, Walkman, cool music blaring. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber stands in a room the SIZE OF A CLOSET. Posters, articles and pictures of great tap dancers and Diane Sawyer cover the walls. AMBER ... Dreams? Yah-sure I got kem... Sometimes I dream of winnin'... I dream of gettin' outta Mount Rose and bein' a big time reporter like Diane Sawyer. I mean, guys get outta Mount Rose all the time for hockey scholarships or prison. But the pageant's kinda my only chance. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber points to LARGE PAGEANT PHOTO OF DIANE SAWYER - 1963 AMBER ... Yah-1963. Her beauty worked against her when she started as a reporter in Louisville, her hometown. Those were different times. ANNETTE (O.S.) (yelling, coughing) Hey, Amber, y'get my smokes? AMBER (smiling) That's my mom. (yelling) I'll get kem in a sec. ANNETTE ATKINS, Amber's mom - sexy, but tired - OPENS THE DOOR. ANNETTE (surprised by cameras) Oh shit! AMBER They're from L.A. They wanted to see my room and film me for their movie. ANNETTE (mock-touched, to crew) Oh... How quickly they grow up. (exiting, smiling) Hey, if they ask you to take off your shirt, get the money first. Annette is gone. ANNETTE (cont'd) (O.S.) And go get my smokes! JUMP CUT TO: EST. SHOT - LEEMAN FAMILY HOME - DAY Landscaped grounds surround this lovely two-story. INT. LEEMAN HOME - VARIOUS ROOMS Brief "LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH & FAMOUS" montage of Gladys showing off interiors to the theme from "GONE WITH THE WIND." INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY It looks like a Levitz showroom. Gladys sits stiffly between Becky and her husband, LESTER - mid-60's, gruff, "old school" salesman, drink in hand. LESTER ...You betcha. S'posed to be colder-n- a witches tit tonight... GLADYS (nervous laugh) Oh, Lester. He loves his weather, y'know. LESTER (looking to crew, O.S.) Hey, ya like it? Open it...Yah-the globe. Pull at the equator there. GLADYS We're not in the showroom, Dear. Banging and fumbling. A CORKSCREW flies into shot - CREW GUY quickly ENTERS SHOT and grabs it. LESTER Fits three full-size booze bottles. The cassette deck pulls outta Afghanistan, there. BECKY (embarrassed) Mommm... GLADYS Lester? LESTER Oh, all right (to camera) How soon they forget where all this comes from. BECKY Japan. LESTER That's enough, young lady. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER GLADYS "Impartial?" Outside this house I'm Gladys Leeman, President, Civil Servettes - impartial as the day is long. But we're inside my home now and I've gotta warn you, I'm wearin' my "wife apron" and "mom hat." So, I can safely say that I'm the mother of the most talented contestant Mount Rose has ever seen. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER Lester's gone from the couch. GLADYS I'll field that one - Rebecca's saving her voice. Becky smiles admiringly at Gladys. GLADYS (cont'd) You-betcha, Rebecca's ready. She's been singin' and dancin' since she was knee high to a pig's eye. Lester returns to the couch, large drink in hand. LESTER Yah-she's damn near as good as that little black fella - with the glass eye. GLADYS Sammy Davis, Jr., honey. LESTER Yeah, yeah, the Jew. BECKY Nice one, Dad. He's dead. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Same scene. BOYS' WRESTLING TEAM - tight singlets - runs laps around gym - between Servettes and camera. GLADYS ...Yah-then, for the "Judges Interview," each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges before the pageant... Gladys is distracted by the HARD, YOUNG bodies. All are. GLADYS Yes, the Judges Interview.. Each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges prior to the pageant. Then we have the... A HUNKY WRESTLER, TONY, waves. GLADYS (cont'd) Hello, Tony. TONY Hey. GLADYS "Hey" to

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Drop Dead Gorgeous Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> DROP DEAD GORGEOUS DROP DEAD GORGEOUS FADE IN: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - MINNESOTA - DAY Vintage black and white stock footage of some farms and farmhouses. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY Color footage of cotton fields passing by. We FREEZE and FADE TO BLACK. TITLE WIPES IN: 1995 MARKED THE FIFTIETH ANNIVERSARY OF THE NATION'S OLDEST BEAUTY CONTEST... THE SARAH ROSE COSMETICS AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS PAGEANT A DOCUMENTARY FILM CREW WAS SENT TO A SMALL TOWN IN MINNESOTA TO COMMEMORATE THIS OCCASSION. INT. PAGEANT AUDITORIUM - MOUNT ROSE - DAY Vintage blue-toned stock footage of a teenage beauty pageant contestant. LEGS WIPE IN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Sarah Rose knows you're a beautiful person.... Blue-toned stock footage of a long row of beauty pageant contestants on stage. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Sarah Rose knows you have an unusual talent. Sarah Rose knows you're a teenage girl. Blue-toned stock footage of the row of contestants parading down some steps from the stage as CAMERA TILTS DOWN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Mmm, and she definitely knows that you are ready for the ultimate teen glamour. ROUSING PATRIOTIC MUSIC. FAST PACED CUTS feature SMILING TEENAGE CONTESTANTS dancing and waving American flags. APPLAUSE! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant. Each contestant wears a BANNER ACROSS her dress reading: AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) And now, a few words... ANGLE ON Contestants DROP, ROLL and form a STAR. CHEERS! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) ...from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. ADAM WEST The American Teen Princess Pageant has been enriching the lives of American- made girls since 1945. TITLES FADE ON SCREEN: Adam West, TV's Batman, then FADE OUT. ADAM WEST (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant provides personal growth, scholarship, travel, and you... Numerous contestants stand up in SHOT and SURROUND ADAM. ADAM WEST (cont'd) ...might even meet a few celebrities. At the national level, thousands of seventeen year-old girls like yourselves. and compete around the country in places like: MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Beautiful Mount Rose, Minnesota. ADAM WEST And make it all the way here to Lincoln, Alabama, to compete for the title of American Teen Princess. LIGHTS come UP on the teenaged girls in the pageant as they pause. As they WAVE AMERICAN FLAGS. Adam West turns back to the camera. ADAM WEST (cont'd) And now, a few words from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. Contestants strike a pose around him. THUNDEROUS CANNED APPLAUSE! ADAM WEST (cont'd) (pointing to camera) So, which one of you will it b-- SCREEN SUDDENLY STATIC. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY SCENE from "DAYS OF OUR LIVES" PULL BACK to reveal the VIDEO is on a TV in front of a GROUP OF SEVENTEEN YEAR-OLD GIRLS, sitting in gym bleachers. [NOTE: The film is shot documentary style. PEOPLE ARE REAL. Their lives revolve around this pageant. All speak with a THICK MINNESOTA ACCENT.] THREE "CIVIL SERVETTES," the local women's group. [Picture unattractive Stepford Wives in matching windbreakers] stand beside GLADYS LEEMAN, 34, president. She STOPS THE VIDEO. GLADYS LEEMAN Good God, Iris, you taped your shows over it. IRIS Sorry. Gladys turns to the GIRLS in the bleachers. SUPER: MOUNT ROSE, MINNESOTA POPULATION: 5,076 GLADYS LEEMAN Now ladies, the rest of the tape - which is now gone forever - goes on about startin' this great American journey we call American Teen Princess...Yah-so, any of you young ladies who'd like to start on that journey, you just come right down here and sign up. And please...help yourselves to some coffee and bars... SMASH EDIT TO: Gladys seated with middle-aged women. GLADYS Showtime. SUPER: GLADYS LEEMAN, LOCAL CHAIRMAN, PAGEANT ORGANIZING COMMITTEE. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you think that most people would say that teenage beauty pageants are a good idea? GLADYS Oh yah-sure, I know what some of your big city, no bra wearin', hairy-legged women's libbers say, "Pageants are old- fashioned" and, uh, and "demeaning" to the girls -- IRIS (jumping in) What's sick is women dressin' like men! Civil Servettes stare at her a beat. GLADYS Uh... You betcha, Iris. (quickly, back to camera) Yah-I think yous boys'll find that things are different here in Mount Rose... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) For one thing, y'know, we're God fearin' folk - every last one of us... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) You won't find a back room in our video store... Servettes AD-LIB "AMEN. YAH-YOU BETCHA." etc. GLADYS (cont'd) (V.O.) ...that filth is better left in the "Sin Cities." IRIS A.k.a. Minneapolis - St. Paul. PULL AWAY from MINNEAPOLIS SKYLINE to COUNTRYSIDE. EXT. QUAINT MAIN STREET The camera drives down the street. EXT. PICTURESQUE MIDDLE-CLASS NEIGHBORHOODS The camera drives down the street. EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE A HAPPY FAMILY raises the AMERICAN FLAG. EXT. SUBURBAN DRIVEWAY BURLY GUYS look up from washing a FORD TRUCK. EXT. TRAILER PARK Sign next to it reads: "Welcome to Mount Rose, Home of Freda Klinghagen, Minnesota's Oldest Living Lutheran" complete with a photo of the extremely old woman smiling and waving. EXT. CREW VAN An ELDERLY COUPLE looks in the passenger window of the van. ELDERLY MAN (MAYOR) Oh, yah-sure, Freda, yah. She was the oldest livin' Lutheran. Now she's dead as a doornail. It's them damn Shriners who ain't taken that Goddamn sign down yet - those lazy sons-a- bitches... I tells kem, I tells kem every goddamn year, "Take the Goddamn Freda sign down, you lazy sons-a-bitches!" SUPER: MAYOR OF MOUNT ROSE INT. GLADYS' VAN - DAY Through the window a family waves to Gladys. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY Two BOYS play basketball in the driveway of their home. EXT. FRONT LAWN - DAY SMALL CHILDREN in bathing suits play on a lawn. A boy shoots his water pistol. INT. LEEMAN STATION WAGON - AFTERNOON Civil Servettes and crew are piled in. Gladys drives. GLADYS ...Today's "To Do" list includes a trip to the Mall of America. We need outfits for the "Physical Fitness" number -- IRIS Nothin' too showy! GLADYS Y'betcha, Iris. We still need a third judge and we need to think of a theme. Servettes react with pleasure. IRIS Gladys -- Gladys! Look out! A CAR SWERVES. GLADYS Oh, my! (waving out window) Hello, Father Donigan! Sidewalks, sidewalks? Iris mimes drinking, "glug, glug." GLADYS (cont'd) Iris, stop! (to camera) It's not his fault. The communal wine just proves too temptin' for some of them. IRIS That's why we Lutherans use grape Koolaid for the blood of Christ. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA In the vast, already full parking lot, we see Gladys Leeman's station wagon searching for a parking spot. IRIS Oh, there's a parking space over there. Oh, no, that's just a compact. Sorry. GLADYS You'd think they'd build the parking lot of America to go with the Mall of America! Gladys pulls into a HANDICAPPED SPOT. Servettes and CAMERA stand outside the car. Iris points at the sign. IRIS It's a two-hundred dollar fine! GLADYS I said I'd move if a cripple came. Let's just run in the store and pick out some outfits. IRIS All right, let's go. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA PARKING LOT Iris and another Servette start to get out of the car. GLADYS Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! I just thought of the theme. Iris and the Servette stop. IRIS Oh! What is it? GLADYS (cont'd) "Proud...to be...an...American." Servettes react with pleasure. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOA PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So what was the theme of the pageant last year? GLADYS Last year? It was, "Buy American." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) And the year before that? GLADYS "U.S.A. is A-okay." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Can you remember the theme of your favorite pageant? GLADYS "Can I? I'm Amer-I-Can!" People ask me where I get this. I don't know, it's...maybe a gift from God or somethin'. INT. MOUNT ROSE HIGH - GYM - DAY PAN DOWN row of EIGHT GIRLS signing up and eating bars. SUPER: LOCAL PAGEANT REGISTRATION, MOUNT ROSE HIGH SCHOOL ANGLE ON LESLIE MILLER - sexy/peppy girl in CHEERLEADING UNIFORM. LESLIE MILLER ...Hi. (giggles) I'm Leslie Miller. I'm signin' up kcause-ah, y'know, I always watch pageants on the TV and my boyfriend thinks I'll win. SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, LESLIE MILLER She makes "gills" on the sides of her head with her hands. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) For my talent, I'm gonna be doing the.. Two FOOTBALL PLAYERS interrupt: PAT, her boyfriend, and BRETT, who smiles and gives a nod to Amber. Pat grabs Leslie and kisses her hard. LESLIE (cont'd) Uh, Pat, I'm trying to tell themabout my...Oh... Hormones take over and they lock lips again. She wraps her legs around him. He feels up her ass. They continue groping as her Washington Monument slips off. CUT TO: Leslie waves and blows kisses while performing a cheerleader chant. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) Hi, Pat! Go, Muskies! Whoo! INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM AMBER ATKINS - naturally pretty blonde, sweet as sugar pie, stares into camera like a deer caught in headlights. AMBER ATKINS (suddenly looking O.C.) Hi, I-I'm Amber Atkins and, um, I'm signin' up k'cause, ah, my two favorite people in the world competed. My mom and Diane Sawyer...Course I hope I end up a little more like Diane Sawyer than my mom... She flashes a GRIN, we melt. INT. FUNERAL HOME/EMBALMING ROOM - DAY Amber tap-dances as she applies make-up to a MALE CORPSE. SUPER: CONTESTANT #1, AMBER ATKINS DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you do any of the, uh, embalming? AMBER (laughing) Oh, my God, no. Oh, God. I just do the hair and makeup on the deceased. EXT. ROAD - DAY Amber tap dances at the side of the road as traffic passes. AMBER (V.O.) I'm lucky I have an after-school job where I can practice my talent. EXT. MOA PARKING LOT - DAY GLADYS Oh, yeah, sure. You know, every pageant is special, but this one is extra-special to me. When I was seventeen, I don't know if you know this, but I was crowned Mount Rose's American Teen Princess. And this year...drum roll please, my lovely daughter, Rebecca Ann Leeman is competin'. INT. HIGH SCHOOL REBECCA LEEMAN stands in front of Amber and addresses the camerman (O.S.). BECKY Is this my mark? (it is) Hi, I'm Rebecca Leeman. And I believe this pageant is an important experience for every young woman. It, well, it teaches you what's really important in life, and it has the power to change you in ways you've never dreamed of. INT. GUN RANGE Becky, in shooting goggles and ear muffs, FIRES a Glock- 17 9mm pistol with both hands. Sign on wall reads: "Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club." (See Iona in b.g. with an arsenal of sniper weaponry.) BECKY (yelling over noise) ...What?! Klinghagen thinks it'll all come down to me and Amber? Becky stops firing and takes off her hear muffs. BECKY (cont'd) Well, you have to take everything Mrs. Klinghagen says with a grain of salt. Not all your Catholics go to communion for the wafers, if you know what I mean... JUMP CUT TO: INT. LUTHERAN SISTERHOOD GUN RANGE - LATER Becky thumbs bullets into her magazine as she talks. BECKY ...Yah-my mom gave me this nine-mil for my thirteenth birthday... SUPER: CONTESTANT #6, BECKY LEEMAN I'll always remember what she wrote in the card. "Jesus loves winners." That's why, no matter what I do... She shoves the magazine back in her pistol. BECKY (cont'd) I aim to win. She smiles to camera, then violently fires off a few rounds. Zoom in on the MALE TARGET: several bullet holes in the head. INT. "NEW YORK, NEW YORK" BEDROOM - DAY It's all NEW YORK MEMORABILIA. Lisa Swenson - big bubbly girl - sits on her bed. LISA Why? Well, uh, it's kind of like askin', "Why do all the guys chew Copenhagen?" You know? I mean, if you're seventeen and you're not a total fry, it's just what you do. ETHEL MERMAN's "Everything's Coming Up Roses" PLAYS over speakers. SUPER: CONTESTANT #7, LISA SWENSON DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Have you decided what your talent is going to be yet? LISA I'm gonna sing and dance to, "New York, New York." See, I fell in love with The Big Apple last summer when I was visitin' my brother. He followed his dream to New York. PICKS UP 8x10's, shows to camera. LISA (cont'd) This is Peter as Liza. This is him as Madonna. Oh, here's me with him as Barbara... INT. "GERMAN SHEPHERD" BEDROOM - DAY TESS WEINHAUS, wearing an "I love German Shepherds" t- shirt. The room is filled with German Shepherd paraphernalia. TESS Uh... I don't know what my talent's gonna be yet... SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, TESS WEINHAUS TESS (cont'd) Kenny. Kenny, come. Come, Kenny. A DACHSHUND enters and jumps on her lap. TESS (cont'd) This is Kenny. Spike, my German Shepherd, went to live with a nice family on a farm after he attacked me. It wasn't his fault. I had beef jerky in my front pocket. (pulling up shirt) They re-made my belly with skin from my butt. DISSOLVE TO: INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY - DAY IONA HILDERBRANDT - librarian, 65+ - stamps books. SUPER: IONA HILDERBRANDT, MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS - 1945 IONA HILDERBRANTDT (smoked for sixty years) I was Mount Rose American Teen Princess in 1945. We were at war with the Japs. ANGLE ON A vintage B&W photograph of 18-year-old IONA HILDERBRANDT, looking surprised with hands on cheeks, is being crowned MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS by TWO SOLDIERS on a GYM STAGE. YOUNG IONA, wearing TIARA, stands with SOLDIERS and WAR OFFICIALS beside a boiling pot of metal. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (V.O.) (cont'd) I didn't even get to keep my damn tiara. Iona's about to drop her tiara into a recycling bin. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (cont'd) Had to turn it in for scrap. DISSOLVE TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM MOLLY HOWARD, a large white girl, sits between a JAPANESE COUPLE, Mr. and Mrs. HOWARD. SUPER: CONTESTANT #5, MOLLY HOWARD MR. HOWARD (heavy accent) ... So we adopt Molly three year ago when we come to America, to help acclimate us to American. MOLLY (smiling) To America, Dad. Mr. Howard laughs. MRS. HOWARD She all-American girl. She our American Teen Princess girl. MOLLY Oh, Mom... The Howard's biological daughter (they renamed her "TINA") ENTERS FRAME. Although she's the picture of beauty, grace, talent and charm, she represents their old life. TINA (in Japanese) Excuse me, Father, Mother, when are we moving back to Tokyo? I can't stand this place anymore. They put butter on everything. MR. HOWARD (turning, suddenly angry) English! English, you stupid little retard! We America now, Tina! TINA (perfect English) I'm sorry, Dad, but with all due respect, my name isn't "Tina," it's Seiko. MR. HOWARD Tina! Tina!! TINA!!! MRS. HOWARD "Robert," settle down. MR. HOWARD (screaming) AHHHHHH! Mr. Howard suddenly grabs his chest. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene. Mr. Howard is gone. TINA Mom, I just finished the third movement of that concerto I was working on. I put, like, this techno beat on this Japanese folk tune - wanna hear it? MR. HOWARD (running down the hall) No! We not like to hear it! Go to your room and shut up! TINA Oh, I almost forgot... (removing envelope from pocket) I got my acceptance to Tokyo University. MR. HOWARD What, you deaf? I say shut up-shut up- SHUT UP! (coming at camera) Cut her outta this! JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene on couch. MR. HOWARD Now Molly, tell movie man what you talent do. MOLLY I'll be line dancin'. MR. HOWARD (giving thumbs up) Country western! MRS. HOWARD Clint Black! Ruff! MR. HOWARD Hey, what he got I not got? They all laugh. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE CLOSE ON Michelle Johanson's face. MICHELLE ... Yah-I'll be performing a dramatic monologue. SUPER: CONTESTANT #2, MICHELLE JOHANSON MICHELLE (cont'd) Right now, I'm thinkin' "Othello" or... "Soylent Green." Lots of girls make a smooth transition from pageants into actin', y'know. SMASH CUT TO: LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) CONNIE, mid-30's, Midwestern attractive, wearing a sash and tiara, stands in front of a BLUE SCREEN of a FOREST. CONNIE Competin' for the title of Minnesota's American Teen Princess sure was excitin'. But, I never coulda won without my... PULL BACK to reveal a table full of PORK PRODUCTS. CONNIE (cont'd) St. Paul Pork Products! LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SCREEN CHANGES to OUTSIDE FACTORY/STOCK YARDS. Connie now wears a coat and hat and acts as if it's chilly. CONNIE (cont'd) I've been enjoyin' St. Paul Pork Products for years. I grew up right next to these stock yards. SCREEN CHANGES to VIDEO of a SLAUGHTER LINE. PIG CARCASSES move on hooks. Connie wears a hard hat and blood stained butcher's apron. CONNIE (cont'd) It's still the same family-run business that Walter and Vera Polarski started in 1920 when they raised and slaughtered their first pig. Connie grabs a HOT DOG from O.C. and takes a bite. CONNIE (cont'd) Mmm-mmmm. I just love St. Paul Pork Products. In fact, I love kem so much LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SLIDE CHANGES to VIDEO of the SAUSAGE LINE. Workers stuff sausages. Connie wears a white jumpsuit and hairnet. CONNIE (cont'd) I work here now! INT. BETZ LIVING ROOM - NIGHT MRS. BETZ, a large woman, holds a tray of bars. CREW MEMBERS REACH IN THE SHOT and help themselves. JANELLE BETZ sits on the couch, SIGNING EVERYTHING she says. JANELLE (slow, due to signing) ...My talent will be an interpretive dance while I sing, "Through the Eyes of Love." I have a dream of spreadin' sign language around the world... Mom? Would you be so kind? SUPER: CONTESTANT #8, JANELLE BETZ JANELLE (cont'd) Yeah. Well, see, uh, I have a dream of spreading sign language around the world. (to Mrs. Betz) Mom, would you be so kind. Mrs. Betz quickly puts down the bars and goes to the piano where she starts "Through the Eyes of Love." Janelle begins to gesticulate and sign words in an overly dramatic performance that looks like a bizarre seizure. SOUND occasionally DIPS OUT as the BOOM OPERATOR reaches for bars. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER TAMMY CURRY - a cute, jock-type. She wears a LETTER JACKET, covered with VARSITY SPORTS PATCHES. TAMMY CURRY Tammy Curry. I'm signin' up for the scholarship'n'all. SMASH CUT TO: INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM She POINTS to VARIOUS PATCHES on her LETTER JACKET. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) ...This one's for Varsity Soccer, uh, I'm captain. (pointing) I run track, and, uh... (points to small gun patch) Right here, I'm the new President of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club... ANGLE ON LSGC PRESIDENT logo patch. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) (O.S.) I love that one. EXT. FARM FIELD Shot from crew van. Sun is setting behind a lovely field of green. A John Deere Thresher travels across the burning red horizon. DOCUMENTARIAN (V.O.) Would you say you have a good chance to win this pageant? SUPER: CONTESTANT #9, TAMMY CURRY TAMMY (V.O.) Yeah, you bet I do. I mean, maybe other people think I can't win a beauty pageant. But other people didn't think I could beat out Becky Leeman for President of the gun club, either. And I did. I-I-It's just like Anthony Robbins says, "I'm a winner. Nobody can stop me but me!" KABLOOM! Tammy's John Deere thresher BLOWS UP! INT. LUTHERAN CHURCH BASEMENT - KITCHEN AREA - NIGHT CLOSE ON framed school photo of Tammy Curry. PULL BACK to see her letter jacket - scorched and torn (Lutheran Gun Club patch is MISSING) - and flowers. CONTINUE PULLING BACK to reveal both are surrounded by buns, bars and coffee on a long buffet table. A line of somber and repressed Lutherans help themselves to the food. Servettes stand at the ready. Gladys and Iris face the camera. GLADYS Well, you know, I think everyone's doing really well considering the fact that she was so young. IRIS It's always hard to see the young ones called home, especially on an exploding thresher. It's just so odd and gross. GLADYS You know that sometimes it's hard to understand God's great plan. IRIS Yeah. Iris pats Gladys on the shoulder. FEMALE MOURNER #1 May I have a tissue? GLADYS But the show must go on. (she faces Iris) I gotta get a hold of Ted and ask him if we can use that barn light as a spot again. So you watch the Jell-o salad, okay? IRIS All right. Okay. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER It's smokey as hell. THREE "FRY" GIRLS and a PREGNANT "FRY" GIRL - all with "shelf bangs" - smoke and drink. FRY GIRL #1 ...Oh, yeah-right. I ain't gonna be in no goddamn pageant! Look what happened to that dork-ass farm girl. PREGNANT FRY GIRL (O.C.) Tammy Curry? FRY GIRL #1 Yah-yah. Everyone says this is a big accident? She got iced because she wins everything, and this time someone didn't want her to win. PREGNANT FRY GIRL This pageant's like a roach motel. FRY GIRL #1 Girls check in, but they don't check out. PREGNANT FRY GIRL Yeah. And they say smokin' is bad for your health. FRY GIRL #1 (raising cigarette into frame) Yeah. EXT. OLD TWO STORY HOUSE - ESTABLISHING - DAY SIGN painted on GARAGE DOOR: "Dance Studio, Downstairs past the Laundry Room." CAMERA moves DOWNSTAIRS to converted basement. LISA SWENSON and two other large "ballerinas" practice at a 2x4/ballet barre. MOZART plays in the b.g. CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN watches and smokes. (Picture Betty Davis in her final days.) CHLORIS And tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. And repeat. Suck in the belly, girls, and tuck in the tushes! SUPER: CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN, CHOREOGRAPHER CHLORIS (cont'd) Close those legs! You look like a bunch of bowlegged cows! Other side. And...tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. CUT TO: Chloris smokes and talks to camera. "Ballerinas" practice. CHLORIS (cont'd) Yeah, you boys sure picked a good year. If I was a betting woman, and there was a line on this in Vegas, I'd lay down ten-to-one that it all comes down to Amber Atkins and Becky Leeman. Oh, sweet Jesus, what a showdown this could be if Cain and Abel... The SOUND RECORDIST enters and Lisa spins out of control, taking him out. She leans over and comforts him. LISA Ow! Oh, God. It's so em-so embarrassing. EST. SHOT - "DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC" - DAY MARY (V.O.) (labored breaths) My winning...the Mount Rose... INT. PATIENT'S ROOM - DAY SMILING ANOREXIC GIRL sits in bed - a TIARA in what's left of her hair and a SASH over her hospital gown. MARY ...American Teen Princess Pageant... SUPER: MARY JOHANSON, REIGNING MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS MARY (cont'd) ...really changed my life. The TIARA SLIPS OFF her BALDING HEAD and rolls to the floor. INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber fixes Mary's hair, carefully brushing her balding head. Mary smiles, oblivious. MARY (labored breaths) ...Amber does my hair...once a week. AMBER (flattered and embarrassed) Well...it's the least I can do for the reigning Mount Rose Junior Miss Amer-- Amber pulls the brush away with a clump of Mary's hair dangling from it. AMBER (cont'd) Oh God... MARY What? AMBER Huh? Oh...Uh, just a little snarl... Amber mouths, "Shhh! Don't tell!" to camera as she tries to pull the clump of hair from the brush. JUMP CUT TO: INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber ties the tiara and missing clump of hair to Mary's head with a ribbon. AMBER There we go. She holds the mirror for Mary. MARY (delusional) Beautiful... Maybe next week... a perm. AMBER Yah... sure... Amber gives a kind but worried smile to camera. Suddenly, Becky Leeman enters with a large box of chocolates. She's fully aware of the cameras from the moment she enters. BECKY Hellooo, Little Mary Sunshine! (pretending to notice camera) What?! Oh-oh my God! Lights! Camera! And me without a stitch of make-up on. What are you guys doin' here? She's in full make-up. AMBER What're you doin' here? BECKY Oh, Amber, like you're the only one who visits Mary. MARY (to Becky) Who are you? BECKY (covering) "Who are you?!" Oh Mary, you kill me. (to camera) She always says that. It's a little game we play. Every week - same dippy little look on her face. "Who are you - who are you?" Just like that. (in Mary's face) It's me - Becky - and I brought your favorites. Becky puts the chocolates on Mary's lap, a few spill. Throughout the following, Mary slowly reaches for them as if they're forbidden fruit and she's a very hungry Eve. AMBER How nice, Becky, she's anorexic. Becky roughly puts her hands over Mary's ears, who's now gently petting the spilled chocolates in her lap. BECKY (sotto, reprimanding tone) She's skinny, not deaf, Amber. EXT. TRAILER - LATE AFTERNOON MONTAGE - Amber taps around the mobile home community, HOME FROM SCHOOL - backpack, Walkman, cool music blaring. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber stands in a room the SIZE OF A CLOSET. Posters, articles and pictures of great tap dancers and Diane Sawyer cover the walls. AMBER ... Dreams? Yah-sure I got kem... Sometimes I dream of winnin'... I dream of gettin' outta Mount Rose and bein' a big time reporter like Diane Sawyer. I mean, guys get outta Mount Rose all the time for hockey scholarships or prison. But the pageant's kinda my only chance. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber points to LARGE PAGEANT PHOTO OF DIANE SAWYER - 1963 AMBER ... Yah-1963. Her beauty worked against her when she started as a reporter in Louisville, her hometown. Those were different times. ANNETTE (O.S.) (yelling, coughing) Hey, Amber, y'get my smokes? AMBER (smiling) That's my mom. (yelling) I'll get kem in a sec. ANNETTE ATKINS, Amber's mom - sexy, but tired - OPENS THE DOOR. ANNETTE (surprised by cameras) Oh shit! AMBER They're from L.A. They wanted to see my room and film me for their movie. ANNETTE (mock-touched, to crew) Oh... How quickly they grow up. (exiting, smiling) Hey, if they ask you to take off your shirt, get the money first. Annette is gone. ANNETTE (cont'd) (O.S.) And go get my smokes! JUMP CUT TO: EST. SHOT - LEEMAN FAMILY HOME - DAY Landscaped grounds surround this lovely two-story. INT. LEEMAN HOME - VARIOUS ROOMS Brief "LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH & FAMOUS" montage of Gladys showing off interiors to the theme from "GONE WITH THE WIND." INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY It looks like a Levitz showroom. Gladys sits stiffly between Becky and her husband, LESTER - mid-60's, gruff, "old school" salesman, drink in hand. LESTER ...You betcha. S'posed to be colder-n- a witches tit tonight... GLADYS (nervous laugh) Oh, Lester. He loves his weather, y'know. LESTER (looking to crew, O.S.) Hey, ya like it? Open it...Yah-the globe. Pull at the equator there. GLADYS We're not in the showroom, Dear. Banging and fumbling. A CORKSCREW flies into shot - CREW GUY quickly ENTERS SHOT and grabs it. LESTER Fits three full-size booze bottles. The cassette deck pulls outta Afghanistan, there. BECKY (embarrassed) Mommm... GLADYS Lester? LESTER Oh, all right (to camera) How soon they forget where all this comes from. BECKY Japan. LESTER That's enough, young lady. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER GLADYS "Impartial?" Outside this house I'm Gladys Leeman, President, Civil Servettes - impartial as the day is long. But we're inside my home now and I've gotta warn you, I'm wearin' my "wife apron" and "mom hat." So, I can safely say that I'm the mother of the most talented contestant Mount Rose has ever seen. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER Lester's gone from the couch. GLADYS I'll field that one - Rebecca's saving her voice. Becky smiles admiringly at Gladys. GLADYS (cont'd) You-betcha, Rebecca's ready. She's been singin' and dancin' since she was knee high to a pig's eye. Lester returns to the couch, large drink in hand. LESTER Yah-she's damn near as good as that little black fella - with the glass eye. GLADYS Sammy Davis, Jr., honey. LESTER Yeah, yeah, the Jew. BECKY Nice one, Dad. He's dead. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Same scene. BOYS' WRESTLING TEAM - tight singlets - runs laps around gym - between Servettes and camera. GLADYS ...Yah-then, for the "Judges Interview," each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges before the pageant... Gladys is distracted by the HARD, YOUNG bodies. All are. GLADYS Yes, the Judges Interview.. Each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges prior to the pageant. Then we have the... A HUNKY WRESTLER, TONY, waves. GLADYS (cont'd) Hello, Tony. TONY Hey. GLADYS "Hey" to

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Drop Dead Gorgeous Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> DROP DEAD GORGEOUS DROP DEAD GORGEOUS FADE IN: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - MINNESOTA - DAY Vintage black and white stock footage of some farms and farmhouses. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY Color footage of cotton fields passing by. We FREEZE and FADE TO BLACK. TITLE WIPES IN: 1995 MARKED THE FIFTIETH ANNIVERSARY OF THE NATION'S OLDEST BEAUTY CONTEST... THE SARAH ROSE COSMETICS AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS PAGEANT A DOCUMENTARY FILM CREW WAS SENT TO A SMALL TOWN IN MINNESOTA TO COMMEMORATE THIS OCCASSION. INT. PAGEANT AUDITORIUM - MOUNT ROSE - DAY Vintage blue-toned stock footage of a teenage beauty pageant contestant. LEGS WIPE IN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Sarah Rose knows you're a beautiful person.... Blue-toned stock footage of a long row of beauty pageant contestants on stage. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Sarah Rose knows you have an unusual talent. Sarah Rose knows you're a teenage girl. Blue-toned stock footage of the row of contestants parading down some steps from the stage as CAMERA TILTS DOWN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Mmm, and she definitely knows that you are ready for the ultimate teen glamour. ROUSING PATRIOTIC MUSIC. FAST PACED CUTS feature SMILING TEENAGE CONTESTANTS dancing and waving American flags. APPLAUSE! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant. Each contestant wears a BANNER ACROSS her dress reading: AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) And now, a few words... ANGLE ON Contestants DROP, ROLL and form a STAR. CHEERS! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) ...from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. ADAM WEST The American Teen Princess Pageant has been enriching the lives of American- made girls since 1945. TITLES FADE ON SCREEN: Adam West, TV's Batman, then FADE OUT. ADAM WEST (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant provides personal growth, scholarship, travel, and you... Numerous contestants stand up in SHOT and SURROUND ADAM. ADAM WEST (cont'd) ...might even meet a few celebrities. At the national level, thousands of seventeen year-old girls like yourselves. and compete around the country in places like: MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Beautiful Mount Rose, Minnesota. ADAM WEST And make it all the way here to Lincoln, Alabama, to compete for the title of American Teen Princess. LIGHTS come UP on the teenaged girls in the pageant as they pause. As they WAVE AMERICAN FLAGS. Adam West turns back to the camera. ADAM WEST (cont'd) And now, a few words from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. Contestants strike a pose around him. THUNDEROUS CANNED APPLAUSE! ADAM WEST (cont'd) (pointing to camera) So, which one of you will it b-- SCREEN SUDDENLY STATIC. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY SCENE from "DAYS OF OUR LIVES" PULL BACK to reveal the VIDEO is on a TV in front of a GROUP OF SEVENTEEN YEAR-OLD GIRLS, sitting in gym bleachers. [NOTE: The film is shot documentary style. PEOPLE ARE REAL. Their lives revolve around this pageant. All speak with a THICK MINNESOTA ACCENT.] THREE "CIVIL SERVETTES," the local women's group. [Picture unattractive Stepford Wives in matching windbreakers] stand beside GLADYS LEEMAN, 34, president. She STOPS THE VIDEO. GLADYS LEEMAN Good God, Iris, you taped your shows over it. IRIS Sorry. Gladys turns to the GIRLS in the bleachers. SUPER: MOUNT ROSE, MINNESOTA POPULATION: 5,076 GLADYS LEEMAN Now ladies, the rest of the tape - which is now gone forever - goes on about startin' this great American journey we call American Teen Princess...Yah-so, any of you young ladies who'd like to start on that journey, you just come right down here and sign up. And please...help yourselves to some coffee and bars... SMASH EDIT TO: Gladys seated with middle-aged women. GLADYS Showtime. SUPER: GLADYS LEEMAN, LOCAL CHAIRMAN, PAGEANT ORGANIZING COMMITTEE. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you think that most people would say that teenage beauty pageants are a good idea? GLADYS Oh yah-sure, I know what some of your big city, no bra wearin', hairy-legged women's libbers say, "Pageants are old- fashioned" and, uh, and "demeaning" to the girls -- IRIS (jumping in) What's sick is women dressin' like men! Civil Servettes stare at her a beat. GLADYS Uh... You betcha, Iris. (quickly, back to camera) Yah-I think yous boys'll find that things are different here in Mount Rose... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) For one thing, y'know, we're God fearin' folk - every last one of us... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) You won't find a back room in our video store... Servettes AD-LIB "AMEN. YAH-YOU BETCHA." etc. GLADYS (cont'd) (V.O.) ...that filth is better left in the "Sin Cities." IRIS A.k.a. Minneapolis - St. Paul. PULL AWAY from MINNEAPOLIS SKYLINE to COUNTRYSIDE. EXT. QUAINT MAIN STREET The camera drives down the street. EXT. PICTURESQUE MIDDLE-CLASS NEIGHBORHOODS The camera drives down the street. EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE A HAPPY FAMILY raises the AMERICAN FLAG. EXT. SUBURBAN DRIVEWAY BURLY GUYS look up from washing a FORD TRUCK. EXT. TRAILER PARK Sign next to it reads: "Welcome to Mount Rose, Home of Freda Klinghagen, Minnesota's Oldest Living Lutheran" complete with a photo of the extremely old woman smiling and waving. EXT. CREW VAN An ELDERLY COUPLE looks in the passenger window of the van. ELDERLY MAN (MAYOR) Oh, yah-sure, Freda, yah. She was the oldest livin' Lutheran. Now she's dead as a doornail. It's them damn Shriners who ain't taken that Goddamn sign down yet - those lazy sons-a- bitches... I tells kem, I tells kem every goddamn year, "Take the Goddamn Freda sign down, you lazy sons-a-bitches!" SUPER: MAYOR OF MOUNT ROSE INT. GLADYS' VAN - DAY Through the window a family waves to Gladys. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY Two BOYS play basketball in the driveway of their home. EXT. FRONT LAWN - DAY SMALL CHILDREN in bathing suits play on a lawn. A boy shoots his water pistol. INT. LEEMAN STATION WAGON - AFTERNOON Civil Servettes and crew are piled in. Gladys drives. GLADYS ...Today's "To Do" list includes a trip to the Mall of America. We need outfits for the "Physical Fitness" number -- IRIS Nothin' too showy! GLADYS Y'betcha, Iris. We still need a third judge and we need to think of a theme. Servettes react with pleasure. IRIS Gladys -- Gladys! Look out! A CAR SWERVES. GLADYS Oh, my! (waving out window) Hello, Father Donigan! Sidewalks, sidewalks? Iris mimes drinking, "glug, glug." GLADYS (cont'd) Iris, stop! (to camera) It's not his fault. The communal wine just proves too temptin' for some of them. IRIS That's why we Lutherans use grape Koolaid for the blood of Christ. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA In the vast, already full parking lot, we see Gladys Leeman's station wagon searching for a parking spot. IRIS Oh, there's a parking space over there. Oh, no, that's just a compact. Sorry. GLADYS You'd think they'd build the parking lot of America to go with the Mall of America! Gladys pulls into a HANDICAPPED SPOT. Servettes and CAMERA stand outside the car. Iris points at the sign. IRIS It's a two-hundred dollar fine! GLADYS I said I'd move if a cripple came. Let's just run in the store and pick out some outfits. IRIS All right, let's go. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA PARKING LOT Iris and another Servette start to get out of the car. GLADYS Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! I just thought of the theme. Iris and the Servette stop. IRIS Oh! What is it? GLADYS (cont'd) "Proud...to be...an...American." Servettes react with pleasure. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOA PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So what was the theme of the pageant last year? GLADYS Last year? It was, "Buy American." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) And the year before that? GLADYS "U.S.A. is A-okay." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Can you remember the theme of your favorite pageant? GLADYS "Can I? I'm Amer-I-Can!" People ask me where I get this. I don't know, it's...maybe a gift from God or somethin'. INT. MOUNT ROSE HIGH - GYM - DAY PAN DOWN row of EIGHT GIRLS signing up and eating bars. SUPER: LOCAL PAGEANT REGISTRATION, MOUNT ROSE HIGH SCHOOL ANGLE ON LESLIE MILLER - sexy/peppy girl in CHEERLEADING UNIFORM. LESLIE MILLER ...Hi. (giggles) I'm Leslie Miller. I'm signin' up kcause-ah, y'know, I always watch pageants on the TV and my boyfriend thinks I'll win. SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, LESLIE MILLER She makes "gills" on the sides of her head with her hands. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) For my talent, I'm gonna be doing the.. Two FOOTBALL PLAYERS interrupt: PAT, her boyfriend, and BRETT, who smiles and gives a nod to Amber. Pat grabs Leslie and kisses her hard. LESLIE (cont'd) Uh, Pat, I'm trying to tell themabout my...Oh... Hormones take over and they lock lips again. She wraps her legs around him. He feels up her ass. They continue groping as her Washington Monument slips off. CUT TO: Leslie waves and blows kisses while performing a cheerleader chant. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) Hi, Pat! Go, Muskies! Whoo! INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM AMBER ATKINS - naturally pretty blonde, sweet as sugar pie, stares into camera like a deer caught in headlights. AMBER ATKINS (suddenly looking O.C.) Hi, I-I'm Amber Atkins and, um, I'm signin' up k'cause, ah, my two favorite people in the world competed. My mom and Diane Sawyer...Course I hope I end up a little more like Diane Sawyer than my mom... She flashes a GRIN, we melt. INT. FUNERAL HOME/EMBALMING ROOM - DAY Amber tap-dances as she applies make-up to a MALE CORPSE. SUPER: CONTESTANT #1, AMBER ATKINS DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you do any of the, uh, embalming? AMBER (laughing) Oh, my God, no. Oh, God. I just do the hair and makeup on the deceased. EXT. ROAD - DAY Amber tap dances at the side of the road as traffic passes. AMBER (V.O.) I'm lucky I have an after-school job where I can practice my talent. EXT. MOA PARKING LOT - DAY GLADYS Oh, yeah, sure. You know, every pageant is special, but this one is extra-special to me. When I was seventeen, I don't know if you know this, but I was crowned Mount Rose's American Teen Princess. And this year...drum roll please, my lovely daughter, Rebecca Ann Leeman is competin'. INT. HIGH SCHOOL REBECCA LEEMAN stands in front of Amber and addresses the camerman (O.S.). BECKY Is this my mark? (it is) Hi, I'm Rebecca Leeman. And I believe this pageant is an important experience for every young woman. It, well, it teaches you what's really important in life, and it has the power to change you in ways you've never dreamed of. INT. GUN RANGE Becky, in shooting goggles and ear muffs, FIRES a Glock- 17 9mm pistol with both hands. Sign on wall reads: "Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club." (See Iona in b.g. with an arsenal of sniper weaponry.) BECKY (yelling over noise) ...What?! Klinghagen thinks it'll all come down to me and Amber? Becky stops firing and takes off her hear muffs. BECKY (cont'd) Well, you have to take everything Mrs. Klinghagen says with a grain of salt. Not all your Catholics go to communion for the wafers, if you know what I mean... JUMP CUT TO: INT. LUTHERAN SISTERHOOD GUN RANGE - LATER Becky thumbs bullets into her magazine as she talks. BECKY ...Yah-my mom gave me this nine-mil for my thirteenth birthday... SUPER: CONTESTANT #6, BECKY LEEMAN I'll always remember what she wrote in the card. "Jesus loves winners." That's why, no matter what I do... She shoves the magazine back in her pistol. BECKY (cont'd) I aim to win. She smiles to camera, then violently fires off a few rounds. Zoom in on the MALE TARGET: several bullet holes in the head. INT. "NEW YORK, NEW YORK" BEDROOM - DAY It's all NEW YORK MEMORABILIA. Lisa Swenson - big bubbly girl - sits on her bed. LISA Why? Well, uh, it's kind of like askin', "Why do all the guys chew Copenhagen?" You know? I mean, if you're seventeen and you're not a total fry, it's just what you do. ETHEL MERMAN's "Everything's Coming Up Roses" PLAYS over speakers. SUPER: CONTESTANT #7, LISA SWENSON DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Have you decided what your talent is going to be yet? LISA I'm gonna sing and dance to, "New York, New York." See, I fell in love with The Big Apple last summer when I was visitin' my brother. He followed his dream to New York. PICKS UP 8x10's, shows to camera. LISA (cont'd) This is Peter as Liza. This is him as Madonna. Oh, here's me with him as Barbara... INT. "GERMAN SHEPHERD" BEDROOM - DAY TESS WEINHAUS, wearing an "I love German Shepherds" t- shirt. The room is filled with German Shepherd paraphernalia. TESS Uh... I don't know what my talent's gonna be yet... SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, TESS WEINHAUS TESS (cont'd) Kenny. Kenny, come. Come, Kenny. A DACHSHUND enters and jumps on her lap. TESS (cont'd) This is Kenny. Spike, my German Shepherd, went to live with a nice family on a farm after he attacked me. It wasn't his fault. I had beef jerky in my front pocket. (pulling up shirt) They re-made my belly with skin from my butt. DISSOLVE TO: INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY - DAY IONA HILDERBRANDT - librarian, 65+ - stamps books. SUPER: IONA HILDERBRANDT, MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS - 1945 IONA HILDERBRANTDT (smoked for sixty years) I was Mount Rose American Teen Princess in 1945. We were at war with the Japs. ANGLE ON A vintage B&W photograph of 18-year-old IONA HILDERBRANDT, looking surprised with hands on cheeks, is being crowned MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS by TWO SOLDIERS on a GYM STAGE. YOUNG IONA, wearing TIARA, stands with SOLDIERS and WAR OFFICIALS beside a boiling pot of metal. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (V.O.) (cont'd) I didn't even get to keep my damn tiara. Iona's about to drop her tiara into a recycling bin. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (cont'd) Had to turn it in for scrap. DISSOLVE TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM MOLLY HOWARD, a large white girl, sits between a JAPANESE COUPLE, Mr. and Mrs. HOWARD. SUPER: CONTESTANT #5, MOLLY HOWARD MR. HOWARD (heavy accent) ... So we adopt Molly three year ago when we come to America, to help acclimate us to American. MOLLY (smiling) To America, Dad. Mr. Howard laughs. MRS. HOWARD She all-American girl. She our American Teen Princess girl. MOLLY Oh, Mom... The Howard's biological daughter (they renamed her "TINA") ENTERS FRAME. Although she's the picture of beauty, grace, talent and charm, she represents their old life. TINA (in Japanese) Excuse me, Father, Mother, when are we moving back to Tokyo? I can't stand this place anymore. They put butter on everything. MR. HOWARD (turning, suddenly angry) English! English, you stupid little retard! We America now, Tina! TINA (perfect English) I'm sorry, Dad, but with all due respect, my name isn't "Tina," it's Seiko. MR. HOWARD Tina! Tina!! TINA!!! MRS. HOWARD "Robert," settle down. MR. HOWARD (screaming) AHHHHHH! Mr. Howard suddenly grabs his chest. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene. Mr. Howard is gone. TINA Mom, I just finished the third movement of that concerto I was working on. I put, like, this techno beat on this Japanese folk tune - wanna hear it? MR. HOWARD (running down the hall) No! We not like to hear it! Go to your room and shut up! TINA Oh, I almost forgot... (removing envelope from pocket) I got my acceptance to Tokyo University. MR. HOWARD What, you deaf? I say shut up-shut up- SHUT UP! (coming at camera) Cut her outta this! JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene on couch. MR. HOWARD Now Molly, tell movie man what you talent do. MOLLY I'll be line dancin'. MR. HOWARD (giving thumbs up) Country western! MRS. HOWARD Clint Black! Ruff! MR. HOWARD Hey, what he got I not got? They all laugh. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE CLOSE ON Michelle Johanson's face. MICHELLE ... Yah-I'll be performing a dramatic monologue. SUPER: CONTESTANT #2, MICHELLE JOHANSON MICHELLE (cont'd) Right now, I'm thinkin' "Othello" or... "Soylent Green." Lots of girls make a smooth transition from pageants into actin', y'know. SMASH CUT TO: LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) CONNIE, mid-30's, Midwestern attractive, wearing a sash and tiara, stands in front of a BLUE SCREEN of a FOREST. CONNIE Competin' for the title of Minnesota's American Teen Princess sure was excitin'. But, I never coulda won without my... PULL BACK to reveal a table full of PORK PRODUCTS. CONNIE (cont'd) St. Paul Pork Products! LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SCREEN CHANGES to OUTSIDE FACTORY/STOCK YARDS. Connie now wears a coat and hat and acts as if it's chilly. CONNIE (cont'd) I've been enjoyin' St. Paul Pork Products for years. I grew up right next to these stock yards. SCREEN CHANGES to VIDEO of a SLAUGHTER LINE. PIG CARCASSES move on hooks. Connie wears a hard hat and blood stained butcher's apron. CONNIE (cont'd) It's still the same family-run business that Walter and Vera Polarski started in 1920 when they raised and slaughtered their first pig. Connie grabs a HOT DOG from O.C. and takes a bite. CONNIE (cont'd) Mmm-mmmm. I just love St. Paul Pork Products. In fact, I love kem so much LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SLIDE CHANGES to VIDEO of the SAUSAGE LINE. Workers stuff sausages. Connie wears a white jumpsuit and hairnet. CONNIE (cont'd) I work here now! INT. BETZ LIVING ROOM - NIGHT MRS. BETZ, a large woman, holds a tray of bars. CREW MEMBERS REACH IN THE SHOT and help themselves. JANELLE BETZ sits on the couch, SIGNING EVERYTHING she says. JANELLE (slow, due to signing) ...My talent will be an interpretive dance while I sing, "Through the Eyes of Love." I have a dream of spreadin' sign language around the world... Mom? Would you be so kind? SUPER: CONTESTANT #8, JANELLE BETZ JANELLE (cont'd) Yeah. Well, see, uh, I have a dream of spreading sign language around the world. (to Mrs. Betz) Mom, would you be so kind. Mrs. Betz quickly puts down the bars and goes to the piano where she starts "Through the Eyes of Love." Janelle begins to gesticulate and sign words in an overly dramatic performance that looks like a bizarre seizure. SOUND occasionally DIPS OUT as the BOOM OPERATOR reaches for bars. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER TAMMY CURRY - a cute, jock-type. She wears a LETTER JACKET, covered with VARSITY SPORTS PATCHES. TAMMY CURRY Tammy Curry. I'm signin' up for the scholarship'n'all. SMASH CUT TO: INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM She POINTS to VARIOUS PATCHES on her LETTER JACKET. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) ...This one's for Varsity Soccer, uh, I'm captain. (pointing) I run track, and, uh... (points to small gun patch) Right here, I'm the new President of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club... ANGLE ON LSGC PRESIDENT logo patch. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) (O.S.) I love that one. EXT. FARM FIELD Shot from crew van. Sun is setting behind a lovely field of green. A John Deere Thresher travels across the burning red horizon. DOCUMENTARIAN (V.O.) Would you say you have a good chance to win this pageant? SUPER: CONTESTANT #9, TAMMY CURRY TAMMY (V.O.) Yeah, you bet I do. I mean, maybe other people think I can't win a beauty pageant. But other people didn't think I could beat out Becky Leeman for President of the gun club, either. And I did. I-I-It's just like Anthony Robbins says, "I'm a winner. Nobody can stop me but me!" KABLOOM! Tammy's John Deere thresher BLOWS UP! INT. LUTHERAN CHURCH BASEMENT - KITCHEN AREA - NIGHT CLOSE ON framed school photo of Tammy Curry. PULL BACK to see her letter jacket - scorched and torn (Lutheran Gun Club patch is MISSING) - and flowers. CONTINUE PULLING BACK to reveal both are surrounded by buns, bars and coffee on a long buffet table. A line of somber and repressed Lutherans help themselves to the food. Servettes stand at the ready. Gladys and Iris face the camera. GLADYS Well, you know, I think everyone's doing really well considering the fact that she was so young. IRIS It's always hard to see the young ones called home, especially on an exploding thresher. It's just so odd and gross. GLADYS You know that sometimes it's hard to understand God's great plan. IRIS Yeah. Iris pats Gladys on the shoulder. FEMALE MOURNER #1 May I have a tissue? GLADYS But the show must go on. (she faces Iris) I gotta get a hold of Ted and ask him if we can use that barn light as a spot again. So you watch the Jell-o salad, okay? IRIS All right. Okay. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER It's smokey as hell. THREE "FRY" GIRLS and a PREGNANT "FRY" GIRL - all with "shelf bangs" - smoke and drink. FRY GIRL #1 ...Oh, yeah-right. I ain't gonna be in no goddamn pageant! Look what happened to that dork-ass farm girl. PREGNANT FRY GIRL (O.C.) Tammy Curry? FRY GIRL #1 Yah-yah. Everyone says this is a big accident? She got iced because she wins everything, and this time someone didn't want her to win. PREGNANT FRY GIRL This pageant's like a roach motel. FRY GIRL #1 Girls check in, but they don't check out. PREGNANT FRY GIRL Yeah. And they say smokin' is bad for your health. FRY GIRL #1 (raising cigarette into frame) Yeah. EXT. OLD TWO STORY HOUSE - ESTABLISHING - DAY SIGN painted on GARAGE DOOR: "Dance Studio, Downstairs past the Laundry Room." CAMERA moves DOWNSTAIRS to converted basement. LISA SWENSON and two other large "ballerinas" practice at a 2x4/ballet barre. MOZART plays in the b.g. CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN watches and smokes. (Picture Betty Davis in her final days.) CHLORIS And tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. And repeat. Suck in the belly, girls, and tuck in the tushes! SUPER: CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN, CHOREOGRAPHER CHLORIS (cont'd) Close those legs! You look like a bunch of bowlegged cows! Other side. And...tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. CUT TO: Chloris smokes and talks to camera. "Ballerinas" practice. CHLORIS (cont'd) Yeah, you boys sure picked a good year. If I was a betting woman, and there was a line on this in Vegas, I'd lay down ten-to-one that it all comes down to Amber Atkins and Becky Leeman. Oh, sweet Jesus, what a showdown this could be if Cain and Abel... The SOUND RECORDIST enters and Lisa spins out of control, taking him out. She leans over and comforts him. LISA Ow! Oh, God. It's so em-so embarrassing. EST. SHOT - "DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC" - DAY MARY (V.O.) (labored breaths) My winning...the Mount Rose... INT. PATIENT'S ROOM - DAY SMILING ANOREXIC GIRL sits in bed - a TIARA in what's left of her hair and a SASH over her hospital gown. MARY ...American Teen Princess Pageant... SUPER: MARY JOHANSON, REIGNING MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS MARY (cont'd) ...really changed my life. The TIARA SLIPS OFF her BALDING HEAD and rolls to the floor. INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber fixes Mary's hair, carefully brushing her balding head. Mary smiles, oblivious. MARY (labored breaths) ...Amber does my hair...once a week. AMBER (flattered and embarrassed) Well...it's the least I can do for the reigning Mount Rose Junior Miss Amer-- Amber pulls the brush away with a clump of Mary's hair dangling from it. AMBER (cont'd) Oh God... MARY What? AMBER Huh? Oh...Uh, just a little snarl... Amber mouths, "Shhh! Don't tell!" to camera as she tries to pull the clump of hair from the brush. JUMP CUT TO: INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber ties the tiara and missing clump of hair to Mary's head with a ribbon. AMBER There we go. She holds the mirror for Mary. MARY (delusional) Beautiful... Maybe next week... a perm. AMBER Yah... sure... Amber gives a kind but worried smile to camera. Suddenly, Becky Leeman enters with a large box of chocolates. She's fully aware of the cameras from the moment she enters. BECKY Hellooo, Little Mary Sunshine! (pretending to notice camera) What?! Oh-oh my God! Lights! Camera! And me without a stitch of make-up on. What are you guys doin' here? She's in full make-up. AMBER What're you doin' here? BECKY Oh, Amber, like you're the only one who visits Mary. MARY (to Becky) Who are you? BECKY (covering) "Who are you?!" Oh Mary, you kill me. (to camera) She always says that. It's a little game we play. Every week - same dippy little look on her face. "Who are you - who are you?" Just like that. (in Mary's face) It's me - Becky - and I brought your favorites. Becky puts the chocolates on Mary's lap, a few spill. Throughout the following, Mary slowly reaches for them as if they're forbidden fruit and she's a very hungry Eve. AMBER How nice, Becky, she's anorexic. Becky roughly puts her hands over Mary's ears, who's now gently petting the spilled chocolates in her lap. BECKY (sotto, reprimanding tone) She's skinny, not deaf, Amber. EXT. TRAILER - LATE AFTERNOON MONTAGE - Amber taps around the mobile home community, HOME FROM SCHOOL - backpack, Walkman, cool music blaring. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber stands in a room the SIZE OF A CLOSET. Posters, articles and pictures of great tap dancers and Diane Sawyer cover the walls. AMBER ... Dreams? Yah-sure I got kem... Sometimes I dream of winnin'... I dream of gettin' outta Mount Rose and bein' a big time reporter like Diane Sawyer. I mean, guys get outta Mount Rose all the time for hockey scholarships or prison. But the pageant's kinda my only chance. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber points to LARGE PAGEANT PHOTO OF DIANE SAWYER - 1963 AMBER ... Yah-1963. Her beauty worked against her when she started as a reporter in Louisville, her hometown. Those were different times. ANNETTE (O.S.) (yelling, coughing) Hey, Amber, y'get my smokes? AMBER (smiling) That's my mom. (yelling) I'll get kem in a sec. ANNETTE ATKINS, Amber's mom - sexy, but tired - OPENS THE DOOR. ANNETTE (surprised by cameras) Oh shit! AMBER They're from L.A. They wanted to see my room and film me for their movie. ANNETTE (mock-touched, to crew) Oh... How quickly they grow up. (exiting, smiling) Hey, if they ask you to take off your shirt, get the money first. Annette is gone. ANNETTE (cont'd) (O.S.) And go get my smokes! JUMP CUT TO: EST. SHOT - LEEMAN FAMILY HOME - DAY Landscaped grounds surround this lovely two-story. INT. LEEMAN HOME - VARIOUS ROOMS Brief "LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH & FAMOUS" montage of Gladys showing off interiors to the theme from "GONE WITH THE WIND." INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY It looks like a Levitz showroom. Gladys sits stiffly between Becky and her husband, LESTER - mid-60's, gruff, "old school" salesman, drink in hand. LESTER ...You betcha. S'posed to be colder-n- a witches tit tonight... GLADYS (nervous laugh) Oh, Lester. He loves his weather, y'know. LESTER (looking to crew, O.S.) Hey, ya like it? Open it...Yah-the globe. Pull at the equator there. GLADYS We're not in the showroom, Dear. Banging and fumbling. A CORKSCREW flies into shot - CREW GUY quickly ENTERS SHOT and grabs it. LESTER Fits three full-size booze bottles. The cassette deck pulls outta Afghanistan, there. BECKY (embarrassed) Mommm... GLADYS Lester? LESTER Oh, all right (to camera) How soon they forget where all this comes from. BECKY Japan. LESTER That's enough, young lady. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER GLADYS "Impartial?" Outside this house I'm Gladys Leeman, President, Civil Servettes - impartial as the day is long. But we're inside my home now and I've gotta warn you, I'm wearin' my "wife apron" and "mom hat." So, I can safely say that I'm the mother of the most talented contestant Mount Rose has ever seen. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER Lester's gone from the couch. GLADYS I'll field that one - Rebecca's saving her voice. Becky smiles admiringly at Gladys. GLADYS (cont'd) You-betcha, Rebecca's ready. She's been singin' and dancin' since she was knee high to a pig's eye. Lester returns to the couch, large drink in hand. LESTER Yah-she's damn near as good as that little black fella - with the glass eye. GLADYS Sammy Davis, Jr., honey. LESTER Yeah, yeah, the Jew. BECKY Nice one, Dad. He's dead. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Same scene. BOYS' WRESTLING TEAM - tight singlets - runs laps around gym - between Servettes and camera. GLADYS ...Yah-then, for the "Judges Interview," each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges before the pageant... Gladys is distracted by the HARD, YOUNG bodies. All are. GLADYS Yes, the Judges Interview.. Each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges prior to the pageant. Then we have the... A HUNKY WRESTLER, TONY, waves. GLADYS (cont'd) Hello, Tony. TONY Hey. GLADYS "Hey" to

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Drop Dead Gorgeous Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> DROP DEAD GORGEOUS DROP DEAD GORGEOUS FADE IN: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - MINNESOTA - DAY Vintage black and white stock footage of some farms and farmhouses. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY Color footage of cotton fields passing by. We FREEZE and FADE TO BLACK. TITLE WIPES IN: 1995 MARKED THE FIFTIETH ANNIVERSARY OF THE NATION'S OLDEST BEAUTY CONTEST... THE SARAH ROSE COSMETICS AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS PAGEANT A DOCUMENTARY FILM CREW WAS SENT TO A SMALL TOWN IN MINNESOTA TO COMMEMORATE THIS OCCASSION. INT. PAGEANT AUDITORIUM - MOUNT ROSE - DAY Vintage blue-toned stock footage of a teenage beauty pageant contestant. LEGS WIPE IN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Sarah Rose knows you're a beautiful person.... Blue-toned stock footage of a long row of beauty pageant contestants on stage. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Sarah Rose knows you have an unusual talent. Sarah Rose knows you're a teenage girl. Blue-toned stock footage of the row of contestants parading down some steps from the stage as CAMERA TILTS DOWN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Mmm, and she definitely knows that you are ready for the ultimate teen glamour. ROUSING PATRIOTIC MUSIC. FAST PACED CUTS feature SMILING TEENAGE CONTESTANTS dancing and waving American flags. APPLAUSE! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant. Each contestant wears a BANNER ACROSS her dress reading: AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) And now, a few words... ANGLE ON Contestants DROP, ROLL and form a STAR. CHEERS! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) ...from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. ADAM WEST The American Teen Princess Pageant has been enriching the lives of American- made girls since 1945. TITLES FADE ON SCREEN: Adam West, TV's Batman, then FADE OUT. ADAM WEST (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant provides personal growth, scholarship, travel, and you... Numerous contestants stand up in SHOT and SURROUND ADAM. ADAM WEST (cont'd) ...might even meet a few celebrities. At the national level, thousands of seventeen year-old girls like yourselves. and compete around the country in places like: MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Beautiful Mount Rose, Minnesota. ADAM WEST And make it all the way here to Lincoln, Alabama, to compete for the title of American Teen Princess. LIGHTS come UP on the teenaged girls in the pageant as they pause. As they WAVE AMERICAN FLAGS. Adam West turns back to the camera. ADAM WEST (cont'd) And now, a few words from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. Contestants strike a pose around him. THUNDEROUS CANNED APPLAUSE! ADAM WEST (cont'd) (pointing to camera) So, which one of you will it b-- SCREEN SUDDENLY STATIC. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY SCENE from "DAYS OF OUR LIVES" PULL BACK to reveal the VIDEO is on a TV in front of a GROUP OF SEVENTEEN YEAR-OLD GIRLS, sitting in gym bleachers. [NOTE: The film is shot documentary style. PEOPLE ARE REAL. Their lives revolve around this pageant. All speak with a THICK MINNESOTA ACCENT.] THREE "CIVIL SERVETTES," the local women's group. [Picture unattractive Stepford Wives in matching windbreakers] stand beside GLADYS LEEMAN, 34, president. She STOPS THE VIDEO. GLADYS LEEMAN Good God, Iris, you taped your shows over it. IRIS Sorry. Gladys turns to the GIRLS in the bleachers. SUPER: MOUNT ROSE, MINNESOTA POPULATION: 5,076 GLADYS LEEMAN Now ladies, the rest of the tape - which is now gone forever - goes on about startin' this great American journey we call American Teen Princess...Yah-so, any of you young ladies who'd like to start on that journey, you just come right down here and sign up. And please...help yourselves to some coffee and bars... SMASH EDIT TO: Gladys seated with middle-aged women. GLADYS Showtime. SUPER: GLADYS LEEMAN, LOCAL CHAIRMAN, PAGEANT ORGANIZING COMMITTEE. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you think that most people would say that teenage beauty pageants are a good idea? GLADYS Oh yah-sure, I know what some of your big city, no bra wearin', hairy-legged women's libbers say, "Pageants are old- fashioned" and, uh, and "demeaning" to the girls -- IRIS (jumping in) What's sick is women dressin' like men! Civil Servettes stare at her a beat. GLADYS Uh... You betcha, Iris. (quickly, back to camera) Yah-I think yous boys'll find that things are different here in Mount Rose... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) For one thing, y'know, we're God fearin' folk - every last one of us... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) You won't find a back room in our video store... Servettes AD-LIB "AMEN. YAH-YOU BETCHA." etc. GLADYS (cont'd) (V.O.) ...that filth is better left in the "Sin Cities." IRIS A.k.a. Minneapolis - St. Paul. PULL AWAY from MINNEAPOLIS SKYLINE to COUNTRYSIDE. EXT. QUAINT MAIN STREET The camera drives down the street. EXT. PICTURESQUE MIDDLE-CLASS NEIGHBORHOODS The camera drives down the street. EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE A HAPPY FAMILY raises the AMERICAN FLAG. EXT. SUBURBAN DRIVEWAY BURLY GUYS look up from washing a FORD TRUCK. EXT. TRAILER PARK Sign next to it reads: "Welcome to Mount Rose, Home of Freda Klinghagen, Minnesota's Oldest Living Lutheran" complete with a photo of the extremely old woman smiling and waving. EXT. CREW VAN An ELDERLY COUPLE looks in the passenger window of the van. ELDERLY MAN (MAYOR) Oh, yah-sure, Freda, yah. She was the oldest livin' Lutheran. Now she's dead as a doornail. It's them damn Shriners who ain't taken that Goddamn sign down yet - those lazy sons-a- bitches... I tells kem, I tells kem every goddamn year, "Take the Goddamn Freda sign down, you lazy sons-a-bitches!" SUPER: MAYOR OF MOUNT ROSE INT. GLADYS' VAN - DAY Through the window a family waves to Gladys. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY Two BOYS play basketball in the driveway of their home. EXT. FRONT LAWN - DAY SMALL CHILDREN in bathing suits play on a lawn. A boy shoots his water pistol. INT. LEEMAN STATION WAGON - AFTERNOON Civil Servettes and crew are piled in. Gladys drives. GLADYS ...Today's "To Do" list includes a trip to the Mall of America. We need outfits for the "Physical Fitness" number -- IRIS Nothin' too showy! GLADYS Y'betcha, Iris. We still need a third judge and we need to think of a theme. Servettes react with pleasure. IRIS Gladys -- Gladys! Look out! A CAR SWERVES. GLADYS Oh, my! (waving out window) Hello, Father Donigan! Sidewalks, sidewalks? Iris mimes drinking, "glug, glug." GLADYS (cont'd) Iris, stop! (to camera) It's not his fault. The communal wine just proves too temptin' for some of them. IRIS That's why we Lutherans use grape Koolaid for the blood of Christ. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA In the vast, already full parking lot, we see Gladys Leeman's station wagon searching for a parking spot. IRIS Oh, there's a parking space over there. Oh, no, that's just a compact. Sorry. GLADYS You'd think they'd build the parking lot of America to go with the Mall of America! Gladys pulls into a HANDICAPPED SPOT. Servettes and CAMERA stand outside the car. Iris points at the sign. IRIS It's a two-hundred dollar fine! GLADYS I said I'd move if a cripple came. Let's just run in the store and pick out some outfits. IRIS All right, let's go. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA PARKING LOT Iris and another Servette start to get out of the car. GLADYS Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! I just thought of the theme. Iris and the Servette stop. IRIS Oh! What is it? GLADYS (cont'd) "Proud...to be...an...American." Servettes react with pleasure. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOA PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So what was the theme of the pageant last year? GLADYS Last year? It was, "Buy American." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) And the year before that? GLADYS "U.S.A. is A-okay." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Can you remember the theme of your favorite pageant? GLADYS "Can I? I'm Amer-I-Can!" People ask me where I get this. I don't know, it's...maybe a gift from God or somethin'. INT. MOUNT ROSE HIGH - GYM - DAY PAN DOWN row of EIGHT GIRLS signing up and eating bars. SUPER: LOCAL PAGEANT REGISTRATION, MOUNT ROSE HIGH SCHOOL ANGLE ON LESLIE MILLER - sexy/peppy girl in CHEERLEADING UNIFORM. LESLIE MILLER ...Hi. (giggles) I'm Leslie Miller. I'm signin' up kcause-ah, y'know, I always watch pageants on the TV and my boyfriend thinks I'll win. SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, LESLIE MILLER She makes "gills" on the sides of her head with her hands. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) For my talent, I'm gonna be doing the.. Two FOOTBALL PLAYERS interrupt: PAT, her boyfriend, and BRETT, who smiles and gives a nod to Amber. Pat grabs Leslie and kisses her hard. LESLIE (cont'd) Uh, Pat, I'm trying to tell themabout my...Oh... Hormones take over and they lock lips again. She wraps her legs around him. He feels up her ass. They continue groping as her Washington Monument slips off. CUT TO: Leslie waves and blows kisses while performing a cheerleader chant. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) Hi, Pat! Go, Muskies! Whoo! INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM AMBER ATKINS - naturally pretty blonde, sweet as sugar pie, stares into camera like a deer caught in headlights. AMBER ATKINS (suddenly looking O.C.) Hi, I-I'm Amber Atkins and, um, I'm signin' up k'cause, ah, my two favorite people in the world competed. My mom and Diane Sawyer...Course I hope I end up a little more like Diane Sawyer than my mom... She flashes a GRIN, we melt. INT. FUNERAL HOME/EMBALMING ROOM - DAY Amber tap-dances as she applies make-up to a MALE CORPSE. SUPER: CONTESTANT #1, AMBER ATKINS DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you do any of the, uh, embalming? AMBER (laughing) Oh, my God, no. Oh, God. I just do the hair and makeup on the deceased. EXT. ROAD - DAY Amber tap dances at the side of the road as traffic passes. AMBER (V.O.) I'm lucky I have an after-school job where I can practice my talent. EXT. MOA PARKING LOT - DAY GLADYS Oh, yeah, sure. You know, every pageant is special, but this one is extra-special to me. When I was seventeen, I don't know if you know this, but I was crowned Mount Rose's American Teen Princess. And this year...drum roll please, my lovely daughter, Rebecca Ann Leeman is competin'. INT. HIGH SCHOOL REBECCA LEEMAN stands in front of Amber and addresses the camerman (O.S.). BECKY Is this my mark? (it is) Hi, I'm Rebecca Leeman. And I believe this pageant is an important experience for every young woman. It, well, it teaches you what's really important in life, and it has the power to change you in ways you've never dreamed of. INT. GUN RANGE Becky, in shooting goggles and ear muffs, FIRES a Glock- 17 9mm pistol with both hands. Sign on wall reads: "Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club." (See Iona in b.g. with an arsenal of sniper weaponry.) BECKY (yelling over noise) ...What?! Klinghagen thinks it'll all come down to me and Amber? Becky stops firing and takes off her hear muffs. BECKY (cont'd) Well, you have to take everything Mrs. Klinghagen says with a grain of salt. Not all your Catholics go to communion for the wafers, if you know what I mean... JUMP CUT TO: INT. LUTHERAN SISTERHOOD GUN RANGE - LATER Becky thumbs bullets into her magazine as she talks. BECKY ...Yah-my mom gave me this nine-mil for my thirteenth birthday... SUPER: CONTESTANT #6, BECKY LEEMAN I'll always remember what she wrote in the card. "Jesus loves winners." That's why, no matter what I do... She shoves the magazine back in her pistol. BECKY (cont'd) I aim to win. She smiles to camera, then violently fires off a few rounds. Zoom in on the MALE TARGET: several bullet holes in the head. INT. "NEW YORK, NEW YORK" BEDROOM - DAY It's all NEW YORK MEMORABILIA. Lisa Swenson - big bubbly girl - sits on her bed. LISA Why? Well, uh, it's kind of like askin', "Why do all the guys chew Copenhagen?" You know? I mean, if you're seventeen and you're not a total fry, it's just what you do. ETHEL MERMAN's "Everything's Coming Up Roses" PLAYS over speakers. SUPER: CONTESTANT #7, LISA SWENSON DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Have you decided what your talent is going to be yet? LISA I'm gonna sing and dance to, "New York, New York." See, I fell in love with The Big Apple last summer when I was visitin' my brother. He followed his dream to New York. PICKS UP 8x10's, shows to camera. LISA (cont'd) This is Peter as Liza. This is him as Madonna. Oh, here's me with him as Barbara... INT. "GERMAN SHEPHERD" BEDROOM - DAY TESS WEINHAUS, wearing an "I love German Shepherds" t- shirt. The room is filled with German Shepherd paraphernalia. TESS Uh... I don't know what my talent's gonna be yet... SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, TESS WEINHAUS TESS (cont'd) Kenny. Kenny, come. Come, Kenny. A DACHSHUND enters and jumps on her lap. TESS (cont'd) This is Kenny. Spike, my German Shepherd, went to live with a nice family on a farm after he attacked me. It wasn't his fault. I had beef jerky in my front pocket. (pulling up shirt) They re-made my belly with skin from my butt. DISSOLVE TO: INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY - DAY IONA HILDERBRANDT - librarian, 65+ - stamps books. SUPER: IONA HILDERBRANDT, MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS - 1945 IONA HILDERBRANTDT (smoked for sixty years) I was Mount Rose American Teen Princess in 1945. We were at war with the Japs. ANGLE ON A vintage B&W photograph of 18-year-old IONA HILDERBRANDT, looking surprised with hands on cheeks, is being crowned MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS by TWO SOLDIERS on a GYM STAGE. YOUNG IONA, wearing TIARA, stands with SOLDIERS and WAR OFFICIALS beside a boiling pot of metal. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (V.O.) (cont'd) I didn't even get to keep my damn tiara. Iona's about to drop her tiara into a recycling bin. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (cont'd) Had to turn it in for scrap. DISSOLVE TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM MOLLY HOWARD, a large white girl, sits between a JAPANESE COUPLE, Mr. and Mrs. HOWARD. SUPER: CONTESTANT #5, MOLLY HOWARD MR. HOWARD (heavy accent) ... So we adopt Molly three year ago when we come to America, to help acclimate us to American. MOLLY (smiling) To America, Dad. Mr. Howard laughs. MRS. HOWARD She all-American girl. She our American Teen Princess girl. MOLLY Oh, Mom... The Howard's biological daughter (they renamed her "TINA") ENTERS FRAME. Although she's the picture of beauty, grace, talent and charm, she represents their old life. TINA (in Japanese) Excuse me, Father, Mother, when are we moving back to Tokyo? I can't stand this place anymore. They put butter on everything. MR. HOWARD (turning, suddenly angry) English! English, you stupid little retard! We America now, Tina! TINA (perfect English) I'm sorry, Dad, but with all due respect, my name isn't "Tina," it's Seiko. MR. HOWARD Tina! Tina!! TINA!!! MRS. HOWARD "Robert," settle down. MR. HOWARD (screaming) AHHHHHH! Mr. Howard suddenly grabs his chest. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene. Mr. Howard is gone. TINA Mom, I just finished the third movement of that concerto I was working on. I put, like, this techno beat on this Japanese folk tune - wanna hear it? MR. HOWARD (running down the hall) No! We not like to hear it! Go to your room and shut up! TINA Oh, I almost forgot... (removing envelope from pocket) I got my acceptance to Tokyo University. MR. HOWARD What, you deaf? I say shut up-shut up- SHUT UP! (coming at camera) Cut her outta this! JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene on couch. MR. HOWARD Now Molly, tell movie man what you talent do. MOLLY I'll be line dancin'. MR. HOWARD (giving thumbs up) Country western! MRS. HOWARD Clint Black! Ruff! MR. HOWARD Hey, what he got I not got? They all laugh. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE CLOSE ON Michelle Johanson's face. MICHELLE ... Yah-I'll be performing a dramatic monologue. SUPER: CONTESTANT #2, MICHELLE JOHANSON MICHELLE (cont'd) Right now, I'm thinkin' "Othello" or... "Soylent Green." Lots of girls make a smooth transition from pageants into actin', y'know. SMASH CUT TO: LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) CONNIE, mid-30's, Midwestern attractive, wearing a sash and tiara, stands in front of a BLUE SCREEN of a FOREST. CONNIE Competin' for the title of Minnesota's American Teen Princess sure was excitin'. But, I never coulda won without my... PULL BACK to reveal a table full of PORK PRODUCTS. CONNIE (cont'd) St. Paul Pork Products! LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SCREEN CHANGES to OUTSIDE FACTORY/STOCK YARDS. Connie now wears a coat and hat and acts as if it's chilly. CONNIE (cont'd) I've been enjoyin' St. Paul Pork Products for years. I grew up right next to these stock yards. SCREEN CHANGES to VIDEO of a SLAUGHTER LINE. PIG CARCASSES move on hooks. Connie wears a hard hat and blood stained butcher's apron. CONNIE (cont'd) It's still the same family-run business that Walter and Vera Polarski started in 1920 when they raised and slaughtered their first pig. Connie grabs a HOT DOG from O.C. and takes a bite. CONNIE (cont'd) Mmm-mmmm. I just love St. Paul Pork Products. In fact, I love kem so much LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SLIDE CHANGES to VIDEO of the SAUSAGE LINE. Workers stuff sausages. Connie wears a white jumpsuit and hairnet. CONNIE (cont'd) I work here now! INT. BETZ LIVING ROOM - NIGHT MRS. BETZ, a large woman, holds a tray of bars. CREW MEMBERS REACH IN THE SHOT and help themselves. JANELLE BETZ sits on the couch, SIGNING EVERYTHING she says. JANELLE (slow, due to signing) ...My talent will be an interpretive dance while I sing, "Through the Eyes of Love." I have a dream of spreadin' sign language around the world... Mom? Would you be so kind? SUPER: CONTESTANT #8, JANELLE BETZ JANELLE (cont'd) Yeah. Well, see, uh, I have a dream of spreading sign language around the world. (to Mrs. Betz) Mom, would you be so kind. Mrs. Betz quickly puts down the bars and goes to the piano where she starts "Through the Eyes of Love." Janelle begins to gesticulate and sign words in an overly dramatic performance that looks like a bizarre seizure. SOUND occasionally DIPS OUT as the BOOM OPERATOR reaches for bars. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER TAMMY CURRY - a cute, jock-type. She wears a LETTER JACKET, covered with VARSITY SPORTS PATCHES. TAMMY CURRY Tammy Curry. I'm signin' up for the scholarship'n'all. SMASH CUT TO: INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM She POINTS to VARIOUS PATCHES on her LETTER JACKET. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) ...This one's for Varsity Soccer, uh, I'm captain. (pointing) I run track, and, uh... (points to small gun patch) Right here, I'm the new President of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club... ANGLE ON LSGC PRESIDENT logo patch. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) (O.S.) I love that one. EXT. FARM FIELD Shot from crew van. Sun is setting behind a lovely field of green. A John Deere Thresher travels across the burning red horizon. DOCUMENTARIAN (V.O.) Would you say you have a good chance to win this pageant? SUPER: CONTESTANT #9, TAMMY CURRY TAMMY (V.O.) Yeah, you bet I do. I mean, maybe other people think I can't win a beauty pageant. But other people didn't think I could beat out Becky Leeman for President of the gun club, either. And I did. I-I-It's just like Anthony Robbins says, "I'm a winner. Nobody can stop me but me!" KABLOOM! Tammy's John Deere thresher BLOWS UP! INT. LUTHERAN CHURCH BASEMENT - KITCHEN AREA - NIGHT CLOSE ON framed school photo of Tammy Curry. PULL BACK to see her letter jacket - scorched and torn (Lutheran Gun Club patch is MISSING) - and flowers. CONTINUE PULLING BACK to reveal both are surrounded by buns, bars and coffee on a long buffet table. A line of somber and repressed Lutherans help themselves to the food. Servettes stand at the ready. Gladys and Iris face the camera. GLADYS Well, you know, I think everyone's doing really well considering the fact that she was so young. IRIS It's always hard to see the young ones called home, especially on an exploding thresher. It's just so odd and gross. GLADYS You know that sometimes it's hard to understand God's great plan. IRIS Yeah. Iris pats Gladys on the shoulder. FEMALE MOURNER #1 May I have a tissue? GLADYS But the show must go on. (she faces Iris) I gotta get a hold of Ted and ask him if we can use that barn light as a spot again. So you watch the Jell-o salad, okay? IRIS All right. Okay. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER It's smokey as hell. THREE "FRY" GIRLS and a PREGNANT "FRY" GIRL - all with "shelf bangs" - smoke and drink. FRY GIRL #1 ...Oh, yeah-right. I ain't gonna be in no goddamn pageant! Look what happened to that dork-ass farm girl. PREGNANT FRY GIRL (O.C.) Tammy Curry? FRY GIRL #1 Yah-yah. Everyone says this is a big accident? She got iced because she wins everything, and this time someone didn't want her to win. PREGNANT FRY GIRL This pageant's like a roach motel. FRY GIRL #1 Girls check in, but they don't check out. PREGNANT FRY GIRL Yeah. And they say smokin' is bad for your health. FRY GIRL #1 (raising cigarette into frame) Yeah. EXT. OLD TWO STORY HOUSE - ESTABLISHING - DAY SIGN painted on GARAGE DOOR: "Dance Studio, Downstairs past the Laundry Room." CAMERA moves DOWNSTAIRS to converted basement. LISA SWENSON and two other large "ballerinas" practice at a 2x4/ballet barre. MOZART plays in the b.g. CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN watches and smokes. (Picture Betty Davis in her final days.) CHLORIS And tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. And repeat. Suck in the belly, girls, and tuck in the tushes! SUPER: CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN, CHOREOGRAPHER CHLORIS (cont'd) Close those legs! You look like a bunch of bowlegged cows! Other side. And...tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. CUT TO: Chloris smokes and talks to camera. "Ballerinas" practice. CHLORIS (cont'd) Yeah, you boys sure picked a good year. If I was a betting woman, and there was a line on this in Vegas, I'd lay down ten-to-one that it all comes down to Amber Atkins and Becky Leeman. Oh, sweet Jesus, what a showdown this could be if Cain and Abel... The SOUND RECORDIST enters and Lisa spins out of control, taking him out. She leans over and comforts him. LISA Ow! Oh, God. It's so em-so embarrassing. EST. SHOT - "DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC" - DAY MARY (V.O.) (labored breaths) My winning...the Mount Rose... INT. PATIENT'S ROOM - DAY SMILING ANOREXIC GIRL sits in bed - a TIARA in what's left of her hair and a SASH over her hospital gown. MARY ...American Teen Princess Pageant... SUPER: MARY JOHANSON, REIGNING MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS MARY (cont'd) ...really changed my life. The TIARA SLIPS OFF her BALDING HEAD and rolls to the floor. INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber fixes Mary's hair, carefully brushing her balding head. Mary smiles, oblivious. MARY (labored breaths) ...Amber does my hair...once a week. AMBER (flattered and embarrassed) Well...it's the least I can do for the reigning Mount Rose Junior Miss Amer-- Amber pulls the brush away with a clump of Mary's hair dangling from it. AMBER (cont'd) Oh God... MARY What? AMBER Huh? Oh...Uh, just a little snarl... Amber mouths, "Shhh! Don't tell!" to camera as she tries to pull the clump of hair from the brush. JUMP CUT TO: INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber ties the tiara and missing clump of hair to Mary's head with a ribbon. AMBER There we go. She holds the mirror for Mary. MARY (delusional) Beautiful... Maybe next week... a perm. AMBER Yah... sure... Amber gives a kind but worried smile to camera. Suddenly, Becky Leeman enters with a large box of chocolates. She's fully aware of the cameras from the moment she enters. BECKY Hellooo, Little Mary Sunshine! (pretending to notice camera) What?! Oh-oh my God! Lights! Camera! And me without a stitch of make-up on. What are you guys doin' here? She's in full make-up. AMBER What're you doin' here? BECKY Oh, Amber, like you're the only one who visits Mary. MARY (to Becky) Who are you? BECKY (covering) "Who are you?!" Oh Mary, you kill me. (to camera) She always says that. It's a little game we play. Every week - same dippy little look on her face. "Who are you - who are you?" Just like that. (in Mary's face) It's me - Becky - and I brought your favorites. Becky puts the chocolates on Mary's lap, a few spill. Throughout the following, Mary slowly reaches for them as if they're forbidden fruit and she's a very hungry Eve. AMBER How nice, Becky, she's anorexic. Becky roughly puts her hands over Mary's ears, who's now gently petting the spilled chocolates in her lap. BECKY (sotto, reprimanding tone) She's skinny, not deaf, Amber. EXT. TRAILER - LATE AFTERNOON MONTAGE - Amber taps around the mobile home community, HOME FROM SCHOOL - backpack, Walkman, cool music blaring. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber stands in a room the SIZE OF A CLOSET. Posters, articles and pictures of great tap dancers and Diane Sawyer cover the walls. AMBER ... Dreams? Yah-sure I got kem... Sometimes I dream of winnin'... I dream of gettin' outta Mount Rose and bein' a big time reporter like Diane Sawyer. I mean, guys get outta Mount Rose all the time for hockey scholarships or prison. But the pageant's kinda my only chance. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber points to LARGE PAGEANT PHOTO OF DIANE SAWYER - 1963 AMBER ... Yah-1963. Her beauty worked against her when she started as a reporter in Louisville, her hometown. Those were different times. ANNETTE (O.S.) (yelling, coughing) Hey, Amber, y'get my smokes? AMBER (smiling) That's my mom. (yelling) I'll get kem in a sec. ANNETTE ATKINS, Amber's mom - sexy, but tired - OPENS THE DOOR. ANNETTE (surprised by cameras) Oh shit! AMBER They're from L.A. They wanted to see my room and film me for their movie. ANNETTE (mock-touched, to crew) Oh... How quickly they grow up. (exiting, smiling) Hey, if they ask you to take off your shirt, get the money first. Annette is gone. ANNETTE (cont'd) (O.S.) And go get my smokes! JUMP CUT TO: EST. SHOT - LEEMAN FAMILY HOME - DAY Landscaped grounds surround this lovely two-story. INT. LEEMAN HOME - VARIOUS ROOMS Brief "LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH & FAMOUS" montage of Gladys showing off interiors to the theme from "GONE WITH THE WIND." INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY It looks like a Levitz showroom. Gladys sits stiffly between Becky and her husband, LESTER - mid-60's, gruff, "old school" salesman, drink in hand. LESTER ...You betcha. S'posed to be colder-n- a witches tit tonight... GLADYS (nervous laugh) Oh, Lester. He loves his weather, y'know. LESTER (looking to crew, O.S.) Hey, ya like it? Open it...Yah-the globe. Pull at the equator there. GLADYS We're not in the showroom, Dear. Banging and fumbling. A CORKSCREW flies into shot - CREW GUY quickly ENTERS SHOT and grabs it. LESTER Fits three full-size booze bottles. The cassette deck pulls outta Afghanistan, there. BECKY (embarrassed) Mommm... GLADYS Lester? LESTER Oh, all right (to camera) How soon they forget where all this comes from. BECKY Japan. LESTER That's enough, young lady. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER GLADYS "Impartial?" Outside this house I'm Gladys Leeman, President, Civil Servettes - impartial as the day is long. But we're inside my home now and I've gotta warn you, I'm wearin' my "wife apron" and "mom hat." So, I can safely say that I'm the mother of the most talented contestant Mount Rose has ever seen. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER Lester's gone from the couch. GLADYS I'll field that one - Rebecca's saving her voice. Becky smiles admiringly at Gladys. GLADYS (cont'd) You-betcha, Rebecca's ready. She's been singin' and dancin' since she was knee high to a pig's eye. Lester returns to the couch, large drink in hand. LESTER Yah-she's damn near as good as that little black fella - with the glass eye. GLADYS Sammy Davis, Jr., honey. LESTER Yeah, yeah, the Jew. BECKY Nice one, Dad. He's dead. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Same scene. BOYS' WRESTLING TEAM - tight singlets - runs laps around gym - between Servettes and camera. GLADYS ...Yah-then, for the "Judges Interview," each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges before the pageant... Gladys is distracted by the HARD, YOUNG bodies. All are. GLADYS Yes, the Judges Interview.. Each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges prior to the pageant. Then we have the... A HUNKY WRESTLER, TONY, waves. GLADYS (cont'd) Hello, Tony. TONY Hey. GLADYS "Hey" to

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Drop Dead Gorgeous Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> DROP DEAD GORGEOUS DROP DEAD GORGEOUS FADE IN: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - MINNESOTA - DAY Vintage black and white stock footage of some farms and farmhouses. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY Color footage of cotton fields passing by. We FREEZE and FADE TO BLACK. TITLE WIPES IN: 1995 MARKED THE FIFTIETH ANNIVERSARY OF THE NATION'S OLDEST BEAUTY CONTEST... THE SARAH ROSE COSMETICS AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS PAGEANT A DOCUMENTARY FILM CREW WAS SENT TO A SMALL TOWN IN MINNESOTA TO COMMEMORATE THIS OCCASSION. INT. PAGEANT AUDITORIUM - MOUNT ROSE - DAY Vintage blue-toned stock footage of a teenage beauty pageant contestant. LEGS WIPE IN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Sarah Rose knows you're a beautiful person.... Blue-toned stock footage of a long row of beauty pageant contestants on stage. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Sarah Rose knows you have an unusual talent. Sarah Rose knows you're a teenage girl. Blue-toned stock footage of the row of contestants parading down some steps from the stage as CAMERA TILTS DOWN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Mmm, and she definitely knows that you are ready for the ultimate teen glamour. ROUSING PATRIOTIC MUSIC. FAST PACED CUTS feature SMILING TEENAGE CONTESTANTS dancing and waving American flags. APPLAUSE! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant. Each contestant wears a BANNER ACROSS her dress reading: AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) And now, a few words... ANGLE ON Contestants DROP, ROLL and form a STAR. CHEERS! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) ...from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. ADAM WEST The American Teen Princess Pageant has been enriching the lives of American- made girls since 1945. TITLES FADE ON SCREEN: Adam West, TV's Batman, then FADE OUT. ADAM WEST (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant provides personal growth, scholarship, travel, and you... Numerous contestants stand up in SHOT and SURROUND ADAM. ADAM WEST (cont'd) ...might even meet a few celebrities. At the national level, thousands of seventeen year-old girls like yourselves. and compete around the country in places like: MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Beautiful Mount Rose, Minnesota. ADAM WEST And make it all the way here to Lincoln, Alabama, to compete for the title of American Teen Princess. LIGHTS come UP on the teenaged girls in the pageant as they pause. As they WAVE AMERICAN FLAGS. Adam West turns back to the camera. ADAM WEST (cont'd) And now, a few words from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. Contestants strike a pose around him. THUNDEROUS CANNED APPLAUSE! ADAM WEST (cont'd) (pointing to camera) So, which one of you will it b-- SCREEN SUDDENLY STATIC. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY SCENE from "DAYS OF OUR LIVES" PULL BACK to reveal the VIDEO is on a TV in front of a GROUP OF SEVENTEEN YEAR-OLD GIRLS, sitting in gym bleachers. [NOTE: The film is shot documentary style. PEOPLE ARE REAL. Their lives revolve around this pageant. All speak with a THICK MINNESOTA ACCENT.] THREE "CIVIL SERVETTES," the local women's group. [Picture unattractive Stepford Wives in matching windbreakers] stand beside GLADYS LEEMAN, 34, president. She STOPS THE VIDEO. GLADYS LEEMAN Good God, Iris, you taped your shows over it. IRIS Sorry. Gladys turns to the GIRLS in the bleachers. SUPER: MOUNT ROSE, MINNESOTA POPULATION: 5,076 GLADYS LEEMAN Now ladies, the rest of the tape - which is now gone forever - goes on about startin' this great American journey we call American Teen Princess...Yah-so, any of you young ladies who'd like to start on that journey, you just come right down here and sign up. And please...help yourselves to some coffee and bars... SMASH EDIT TO: Gladys seated with middle-aged women. GLADYS Showtime. SUPER: GLADYS LEEMAN, LOCAL CHAIRMAN, PAGEANT ORGANIZING COMMITTEE. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you think that most people would say that teenage beauty pageants are a good idea? GLADYS Oh yah-sure, I know what some of your big city, no bra wearin', hairy-legged women's libbers say, "Pageants are old- fashioned" and, uh, and "demeaning" to the girls -- IRIS (jumping in) What's sick is women dressin' like men! Civil Servettes stare at her a beat. GLADYS Uh... You betcha, Iris. (quickly, back to camera) Yah-I think yous boys'll find that things are different here in Mount Rose... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) For one thing, y'know, we're God fearin' folk - every last one of us... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) You won't find a back room in our video store... Servettes AD-LIB "AMEN. YAH-YOU BETCHA." etc. GLADYS (cont'd) (V.O.) ...that filth is better left in the "Sin Cities." IRIS A.k.a. Minneapolis - St. Paul. PULL AWAY from MINNEAPOLIS SKYLINE to COUNTRYSIDE. EXT. QUAINT MAIN STREET The camera drives down the street. EXT. PICTURESQUE MIDDLE-CLASS NEIGHBORHOODS The camera drives down the street. EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE A HAPPY FAMILY raises the AMERICAN FLAG. EXT. SUBURBAN DRIVEWAY BURLY GUYS look up from washing a FORD TRUCK. EXT. TRAILER PARK Sign next to it reads: "Welcome to Mount Rose, Home of Freda Klinghagen, Minnesota's Oldest Living Lutheran" complete with a photo of the extremely old woman smiling and waving. EXT. CREW VAN An ELDERLY COUPLE looks in the passenger window of the van. ELDERLY MAN (MAYOR) Oh, yah-sure, Freda, yah. She was the oldest livin' Lutheran. Now she's dead as a doornail. It's them damn Shriners who ain't taken that Goddamn sign down yet - those lazy sons-a- bitches... I tells kem, I tells kem every goddamn year, "Take the Goddamn Freda sign down, you lazy sons-a-bitches!" SUPER: MAYOR OF MOUNT ROSE INT. GLADYS' VAN - DAY Through the window a family waves to Gladys. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY Two BOYS play basketball in the driveway of their home. EXT. FRONT LAWN - DAY SMALL CHILDREN in bathing suits play on a lawn. A boy shoots his water pistol. INT. LEEMAN STATION WAGON - AFTERNOON Civil Servettes and crew are piled in. Gladys drives. GLADYS ...Today's "To Do" list includes a trip to the Mall of America. We need outfits for the "Physical Fitness" number -- IRIS Nothin' too showy! GLADYS Y'betcha, Iris. We still need a third judge and we need to think of a theme. Servettes react with pleasure. IRIS Gladys -- Gladys! Look out! A CAR SWERVES. GLADYS Oh, my! (waving out window) Hello, Father Donigan! Sidewalks, sidewalks? Iris mimes drinking, "glug, glug." GLADYS (cont'd) Iris, stop! (to camera) It's not his fault. The communal wine just proves too temptin' for some of them. IRIS That's why we Lutherans use grape Koolaid for the blood of Christ. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA In the vast, already full parking lot, we see Gladys Leeman's station wagon searching for a parking spot. IRIS Oh, there's a parking space over there. Oh, no, that's just a compact. Sorry. GLADYS You'd think they'd build the parking lot of America to go with the Mall of America! Gladys pulls into a HANDICAPPED SPOT. Servettes and CAMERA stand outside the car. Iris points at the sign. IRIS It's a two-hundred dollar fine! GLADYS I said I'd move if a cripple came. Let's just run in the store and pick out some outfits. IRIS All right, let's go. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA PARKING LOT Iris and another Servette start to get out of the car. GLADYS Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! I just thought of the theme. Iris and the Servette stop. IRIS Oh! What is it? GLADYS (cont'd) "Proud...to be...an...American." Servettes react with pleasure. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOA PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So what was the theme of the pageant last year? GLADYS Last year? It was, "Buy American." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) And the year before that? GLADYS "U.S.A. is A-okay." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Can you remember the theme of your favorite pageant? GLADYS "Can I? I'm Amer-I-Can!" People ask me where I get this. I don't know, it's...maybe a gift from God or somethin'. INT. MOUNT ROSE HIGH - GYM - DAY PAN DOWN row of EIGHT GIRLS signing up and eating bars. SUPER: LOCAL PAGEANT REGISTRATION, MOUNT ROSE HIGH SCHOOL ANGLE ON LESLIE MILLER - sexy/peppy girl in CHEERLEADING UNIFORM. LESLIE MILLER ...Hi. (giggles) I'm Leslie Miller. I'm signin' up kcause-ah, y'know, I always watch pageants on the TV and my boyfriend thinks I'll win. SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, LESLIE MILLER She makes "gills" on the sides of her head with her hands. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) For my talent, I'm gonna be doing the.. Two FOOTBALL PLAYERS interrupt: PAT, her boyfriend, and BRETT, who smiles and gives a nod to Amber. Pat grabs Leslie and kisses her hard. LESLIE (cont'd) Uh, Pat, I'm trying to tell themabout my...Oh... Hormones take over and they lock lips again. She wraps her legs around him. He feels up her ass. They continue groping as her Washington Monument slips off. CUT TO: Leslie waves and blows kisses while performing a cheerleader chant. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) Hi, Pat! Go, Muskies! Whoo! INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM AMBER ATKINS - naturally pretty blonde, sweet as sugar pie, stares into camera like a deer caught in headlights. AMBER ATKINS (suddenly looking O.C.) Hi, I-I'm Amber Atkins and, um, I'm signin' up k'cause, ah, my two favorite people in the world competed. My mom and Diane Sawyer...Course I hope I end up a little more like Diane Sawyer than my mom... She flashes a GRIN, we melt. INT. FUNERAL HOME/EMBALMING ROOM - DAY Amber tap-dances as she applies make-up to a MALE CORPSE. SUPER: CONTESTANT #1, AMBER ATKINS DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you do any of the, uh, embalming? AMBER (laughing) Oh, my God, no. Oh, God. I just do the hair and makeup on the deceased. EXT. ROAD - DAY Amber tap dances at the side of the road as traffic passes. AMBER (V.O.) I'm lucky I have an after-school job where I can practice my talent. EXT. MOA PARKING LOT - DAY GLADYS Oh, yeah, sure. You know, every pageant is special, but this one is extra-special to me. When I was seventeen, I don't know if you know this, but I was crowned Mount Rose's American Teen Princess. And this year...drum roll please, my lovely daughter, Rebecca Ann Leeman is competin'. INT. HIGH SCHOOL REBECCA LEEMAN stands in front of Amber and addresses the camerman (O.S.). BECKY Is this my mark? (it is) Hi, I'm Rebecca Leeman. And I believe this pageant is an important experience for every young woman. It, well, it teaches you what's really important in life, and it has the power to change you in ways you've never dreamed of. INT. GUN RANGE Becky, in shooting goggles and ear muffs, FIRES a Glock- 17 9mm pistol with both hands. Sign on wall reads: "Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club." (See Iona in b.g. with an arsenal of sniper weaponry.) BECKY (yelling over noise) ...What?! Klinghagen thinks it'll all come down to me and Amber? Becky stops firing and takes off her hear muffs. BECKY (cont'd) Well, you have to take everything Mrs. Klinghagen says with a grain of salt. Not all your Catholics go to communion for the wafers, if you know what I mean... JUMP CUT TO: INT. LUTHERAN SISTERHOOD GUN RANGE - LATER Becky thumbs bullets into her magazine as she talks. BECKY ...Yah-my mom gave me this nine-mil for my thirteenth birthday... SUPER: CONTESTANT #6, BECKY LEEMAN I'll always remember what she wrote in the card. "Jesus loves winners." That's why, no matter what I do... She shoves the magazine back in her pistol. BECKY (cont'd) I aim to win. She smiles to camera, then violently fires off a few rounds. Zoom in on the MALE TARGET: several bullet holes in the head. INT. "NEW YORK, NEW YORK" BEDROOM - DAY It's all NEW YORK MEMORABILIA. Lisa Swenson - big bubbly girl - sits on her bed. LISA Why? Well, uh, it's kind of like askin', "Why do all the guys chew Copenhagen?" You know? I mean, if you're seventeen and you're not a total fry, it's just what you do. ETHEL MERMAN's "Everything's Coming Up Roses" PLAYS over speakers. SUPER: CONTESTANT #7, LISA SWENSON DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Have you decided what your talent is going to be yet? LISA I'm gonna sing and dance to, "New York, New York." See, I fell in love with The Big Apple last summer when I was visitin' my brother. He followed his dream to New York. PICKS UP 8x10's, shows to camera. LISA (cont'd) This is Peter as Liza. This is him as Madonna. Oh, here's me with him as Barbara... INT. "GERMAN SHEPHERD" BEDROOM - DAY TESS WEINHAUS, wearing an "I love German Shepherds" t- shirt. The room is filled with German Shepherd paraphernalia. TESS Uh... I don't know what my talent's gonna be yet... SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, TESS WEINHAUS TESS (cont'd) Kenny. Kenny, come. Come, Kenny. A DACHSHUND enters and jumps on her lap. TESS (cont'd) This is Kenny. Spike, my German Shepherd, went to live with a nice family on a farm after he attacked me. It wasn't his fault. I had beef jerky in my front pocket. (pulling up shirt) They re-made my belly with skin from my butt. DISSOLVE TO: INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY - DAY IONA HILDERBRANDT - librarian, 65+ - stamps books. SUPER: IONA HILDERBRANDT, MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS - 1945 IONA HILDERBRANTDT (smoked for sixty years) I was Mount Rose American Teen Princess in 1945. We were at war with the Japs. ANGLE ON A vintage B&W photograph of 18-year-old IONA HILDERBRANDT, looking surprised with hands on cheeks, is being crowned MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS by TWO SOLDIERS on a GYM STAGE. YOUNG IONA, wearing TIARA, stands with SOLDIERS and WAR OFFICIALS beside a boiling pot of metal. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (V.O.) (cont'd) I didn't even get to keep my damn tiara. Iona's about to drop her tiara into a recycling bin. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (cont'd) Had to turn it in for scrap. DISSOLVE TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM MOLLY HOWARD, a large white girl, sits between a JAPANESE COUPLE, Mr. and Mrs. HOWARD. SUPER: CONTESTANT #5, MOLLY HOWARD MR. HOWARD (heavy accent) ... So we adopt Molly three year ago when we come to America, to help acclimate us to American. MOLLY (smiling) To America, Dad. Mr. Howard laughs. MRS. HOWARD She all-American girl. She our American Teen Princess girl. MOLLY Oh, Mom... The Howard's biological daughter (they renamed her "TINA") ENTERS FRAME. Although she's the picture of beauty, grace, talent and charm, she represents their old life. TINA (in Japanese) Excuse me, Father, Mother, when are we moving back to Tokyo? I can't stand this place anymore. They put butter on everything. MR. HOWARD (turning, suddenly angry) English! English, you stupid little retard! We America now, Tina! TINA (perfect English) I'm sorry, Dad, but with all due respect, my name isn't "Tina," it's Seiko. MR. HOWARD Tina! Tina!! TINA!!! MRS. HOWARD "Robert," settle down. MR. HOWARD (screaming) AHHHHHH! Mr. Howard suddenly grabs his chest. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene. Mr. Howard is gone. TINA Mom, I just finished the third movement of that concerto I was working on. I put, like, this techno beat on this Japanese folk tune - wanna hear it? MR. HOWARD (running down the hall) No! We not like to hear it! Go to your room and shut up! TINA Oh, I almost forgot... (removing envelope from pocket) I got my acceptance to Tokyo University. MR. HOWARD What, you deaf? I say shut up-shut up- SHUT UP! (coming at camera) Cut her outta this! JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene on couch. MR. HOWARD Now Molly, tell movie man what you talent do. MOLLY I'll be line dancin'. MR. HOWARD (giving thumbs up) Country western! MRS. HOWARD Clint Black! Ruff! MR. HOWARD Hey, what he got I not got? They all laugh. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE CLOSE ON Michelle Johanson's face. MICHELLE ... Yah-I'll be performing a dramatic monologue. SUPER: CONTESTANT #2, MICHELLE JOHANSON MICHELLE (cont'd) Right now, I'm thinkin' "Othello" or... "Soylent Green." Lots of girls make a smooth transition from pageants into actin', y'know. SMASH CUT TO: LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) CONNIE, mid-30's, Midwestern attractive, wearing a sash and tiara, stands in front of a BLUE SCREEN of a FOREST. CONNIE Competin' for the title of Minnesota's American Teen Princess sure was excitin'. But, I never coulda won without my... PULL BACK to reveal a table full of PORK PRODUCTS. CONNIE (cont'd) St. Paul Pork Products! LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SCREEN CHANGES to OUTSIDE FACTORY/STOCK YARDS. Connie now wears a coat and hat and acts as if it's chilly. CONNIE (cont'd) I've been enjoyin' St. Paul Pork Products for years. I grew up right next to these stock yards. SCREEN CHANGES to VIDEO of a SLAUGHTER LINE. PIG CARCASSES move on hooks. Connie wears a hard hat and blood stained butcher's apron. CONNIE (cont'd) It's still the same family-run business that Walter and Vera Polarski started in 1920 when they raised and slaughtered their first pig. Connie grabs a HOT DOG from O.C. and takes a bite. CONNIE (cont'd) Mmm-mmmm. I just love St. Paul Pork Products. In fact, I love kem so much LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SLIDE CHANGES to VIDEO of the SAUSAGE LINE. Workers stuff sausages. Connie wears a white jumpsuit and hairnet. CONNIE (cont'd) I work here now! INT. BETZ LIVING ROOM - NIGHT MRS. BETZ, a large woman, holds a tray of bars. CREW MEMBERS REACH IN THE SHOT and help themselves. JANELLE BETZ sits on the couch, SIGNING EVERYTHING she says. JANELLE (slow, due to signing) ...My talent will be an interpretive dance while I sing, "Through the Eyes of Love." I have a dream of spreadin' sign language around the world... Mom? Would you be so kind? SUPER: CONTESTANT #8, JANELLE BETZ JANELLE (cont'd) Yeah. Well, see, uh, I have a dream of spreading sign language around the world. (to Mrs. Betz) Mom, would you be so kind. Mrs. Betz quickly puts down the bars and goes to the piano where she starts "Through the Eyes of Love." Janelle begins to gesticulate and sign words in an overly dramatic performance that looks like a bizarre seizure. SOUND occasionally DIPS OUT as the BOOM OPERATOR reaches for bars. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER TAMMY CURRY - a cute, jock-type. She wears a LETTER JACKET, covered with VARSITY SPORTS PATCHES. TAMMY CURRY Tammy Curry. I'm signin' up for the scholarship'n'all. SMASH CUT TO: INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM She POINTS to VARIOUS PATCHES on her LETTER JACKET. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) ...This one's for Varsity Soccer, uh, I'm captain. (pointing) I run track, and, uh... (points to small gun patch) Right here, I'm the new President of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club... ANGLE ON LSGC PRESIDENT logo patch. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) (O.S.) I love that one. EXT. FARM FIELD Shot from crew van. Sun is setting behind a lovely field of green. A John Deere Thresher travels across the burning red horizon. DOCUMENTARIAN (V.O.) Would you say you have a good chance to win this pageant? SUPER: CONTESTANT #9, TAMMY CURRY TAMMY (V.O.) Yeah, you bet I do. I mean, maybe other people think I can't win a beauty pageant. But other people didn't think I could beat out Becky Leeman for President of the gun club, either. And I did. I-I-It's just like Anthony Robbins says, "I'm a winner. Nobody can stop me but me!" KABLOOM! Tammy's John Deere thresher BLOWS UP! INT. LUTHERAN CHURCH BASEMENT - KITCHEN AREA - NIGHT CLOSE ON framed school photo of Tammy Curry. PULL BACK to see her letter jacket - scorched and torn (Lutheran Gun Club patch is MISSING) - and flowers. CONTINUE PULLING BACK to reveal both are surrounded by buns, bars and coffee on a long buffet table. A line of somber and repressed Lutherans help themselves to the food. Servettes stand at the ready. Gladys and Iris face the camera. GLADYS Well, you know, I think everyone's doing really well considering the fact that she was so young. IRIS It's always hard to see the young ones called home, especially on an exploding thresher. It's just so odd and gross. GLADYS You know that sometimes it's hard to understand God's great plan. IRIS Yeah. Iris pats Gladys on the shoulder. FEMALE MOURNER #1 May I have a tissue? GLADYS But the show must go on. (she faces Iris) I gotta get a hold of Ted and ask him if we can use that barn light as a spot again. So you watch the Jell-o salad, okay? IRIS All right. Okay. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER It's smokey as hell. THREE "FRY" GIRLS and a PREGNANT "FRY" GIRL - all with "shelf bangs" - smoke and drink. FRY GIRL #1 ...Oh, yeah-right. I ain't gonna be in no goddamn pageant! Look what happened to that dork-ass farm girl. PREGNANT FRY GIRL (O.C.) Tammy Curry? FRY GIRL #1 Yah-yah. Everyone says this is a big accident? She got iced because she wins everything, and this time someone didn't want her to win. PREGNANT FRY GIRL This pageant's like a roach motel. FRY GIRL #1 Girls check in, but they don't check out. PREGNANT FRY GIRL Yeah. And they say smokin' is bad for your health. FRY GIRL #1 (raising cigarette into frame) Yeah. EXT. OLD TWO STORY HOUSE - ESTABLISHING - DAY SIGN painted on GARAGE DOOR: "Dance Studio, Downstairs past the Laundry Room." CAMERA moves DOWNSTAIRS to converted basement. LISA SWENSON and two other large "ballerinas" practice at a 2x4/ballet barre. MOZART plays in the b.g. CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN watches and smokes. (Picture Betty Davis in her final days.) CHLORIS And tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. And repeat. Suck in the belly, girls, and tuck in the tushes! SUPER: CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN, CHOREOGRAPHER CHLORIS (cont'd) Close those legs! You look like a bunch of bowlegged cows! Other side. And...tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. CUT TO: Chloris smokes and talks to camera. "Ballerinas" practice. CHLORIS (cont'd) Yeah, you boys sure picked a good year. If I was a betting woman, and there was a line on this in Vegas, I'd lay down ten-to-one that it all comes down to Amber Atkins and Becky Leeman. Oh, sweet Jesus, what a showdown this could be if Cain and Abel... The SOUND RECORDIST enters and Lisa spins out of control, taking him out. She leans over and comforts him. LISA Ow! Oh, God. It's so em-so embarrassing. EST. SHOT - "DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC" - DAY MARY (V.O.) (labored breaths) My winning...the Mount Rose... INT. PATIENT'S ROOM - DAY SMILING ANOREXIC GIRL sits in bed - a TIARA in what's left of her hair and a SASH over her hospital gown. MARY ...American Teen Princess Pageant... SUPER: MARY JOHANSON, REIGNING MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS MARY (cont'd) ...really changed my life. The TIARA SLIPS OFF her BALDING HEAD and rolls to the floor. INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber fixes Mary's hair, carefully brushing her balding head. Mary smiles, oblivious. MARY (labored breaths) ...Amber does my hair...once a week. AMBER (flattered and embarrassed) Well...it's the least I can do for the reigning Mount Rose Junior Miss Amer-- Amber pulls the brush away with a clump of Mary's hair dangling from it. AMBER (cont'd) Oh God... MARY What? AMBER Huh? Oh...Uh, just a little snarl... Amber mouths, "Shhh! Don't tell!" to camera as she tries to pull the clump of hair from the brush. JUMP CUT TO: INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber ties the tiara and missing clump of hair to Mary's head with a ribbon. AMBER There we go. She holds the mirror for Mary. MARY (delusional) Beautiful... Maybe next week... a perm. AMBER Yah... sure... Amber gives a kind but worried smile to camera. Suddenly, Becky Leeman enters with a large box of chocolates. She's fully aware of the cameras from the moment she enters. BECKY Hellooo, Little Mary Sunshine! (pretending to notice camera) What?! Oh-oh my God! Lights! Camera! And me without a stitch of make-up on. What are you guys doin' here? She's in full make-up. AMBER What're you doin' here? BECKY Oh, Amber, like you're the only one who visits Mary. MARY (to Becky) Who are you? BECKY (covering) "Who are you?!" Oh Mary, you kill me. (to camera) She always says that. It's a little game we play. Every week - same dippy little look on her face. "Who are you - who are you?" Just like that. (in Mary's face) It's me - Becky - and I brought your favorites. Becky puts the chocolates on Mary's lap, a few spill. Throughout the following, Mary slowly reaches for them as if they're forbidden fruit and she's a very hungry Eve. AMBER How nice, Becky, she's anorexic. Becky roughly puts her hands over Mary's ears, who's now gently petting the spilled chocolates in her lap. BECKY (sotto, reprimanding tone) She's skinny, not deaf, Amber. EXT. TRAILER - LATE AFTERNOON MONTAGE - Amber taps around the mobile home community, HOME FROM SCHOOL - backpack, Walkman, cool music blaring. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber stands in a room the SIZE OF A CLOSET. Posters, articles and pictures of great tap dancers and Diane Sawyer cover the walls. AMBER ... Dreams? Yah-sure I got kem... Sometimes I dream of winnin'... I dream of gettin' outta Mount Rose and bein' a big time reporter like Diane Sawyer. I mean, guys get outta Mount Rose all the time for hockey scholarships or prison. But the pageant's kinda my only chance. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber points to LARGE PAGEANT PHOTO OF DIANE SAWYER - 1963 AMBER ... Yah-1963. Her beauty worked against her when she started as a reporter in Louisville, her hometown. Those were different times. ANNETTE (O.S.) (yelling, coughing) Hey, Amber, y'get my smokes? AMBER (smiling) That's my mom. (yelling) I'll get kem in a sec. ANNETTE ATKINS, Amber's mom - sexy, but tired - OPENS THE DOOR. ANNETTE (surprised by cameras) Oh shit! AMBER They're from L.A. They wanted to see my room and film me for their movie. ANNETTE (mock-touched, to crew) Oh... How quickly they grow up. (exiting, smiling) Hey, if they ask you to take off your shirt, get the money first. Annette is gone. ANNETTE (cont'd) (O.S.) And go get my smokes! JUMP CUT TO: EST. SHOT - LEEMAN FAMILY HOME - DAY Landscaped grounds surround this lovely two-story. INT. LEEMAN HOME - VARIOUS ROOMS Brief "LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH & FAMOUS" montage of Gladys showing off interiors to the theme from "GONE WITH THE WIND." INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY It looks like a Levitz showroom. Gladys sits stiffly between Becky and her husband, LESTER - mid-60's, gruff, "old school" salesman, drink in hand. LESTER ...You betcha. S'posed to be colder-n- a witches tit tonight... GLADYS (nervous laugh) Oh, Lester. He loves his weather, y'know. LESTER (looking to crew, O.S.) Hey, ya like it? Open it...Yah-the globe. Pull at the equator there. GLADYS We're not in the showroom, Dear. Banging and fumbling. A CORKSCREW flies into shot - CREW GUY quickly ENTERS SHOT and grabs it. LESTER Fits three full-size booze bottles. The cassette deck pulls outta Afghanistan, there. BECKY (embarrassed) Mommm... GLADYS Lester? LESTER Oh, all right (to camera) How soon they forget where all this comes from. BECKY Japan. LESTER That's enough, young lady. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER GLADYS "Impartial?" Outside this house I'm Gladys Leeman, President, Civil Servettes - impartial as the day is long. But we're inside my home now and I've gotta warn you, I'm wearin' my "wife apron" and "mom hat." So, I can safely say that I'm the mother of the most talented contestant Mount Rose has ever seen. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER Lester's gone from the couch. GLADYS I'll field that one - Rebecca's saving her voice. Becky smiles admiringly at Gladys. GLADYS (cont'd) You-betcha, Rebecca's ready. She's been singin' and dancin' since she was knee high to a pig's eye. Lester returns to the couch, large drink in hand. LESTER Yah-she's damn near as good as that little black fella - with the glass eye. GLADYS Sammy Davis, Jr., honey. LESTER Yeah, yeah, the Jew. BECKY Nice one, Dad. He's dead. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Same scene. BOYS' WRESTLING TEAM - tight singlets - runs laps around gym - between Servettes and camera. GLADYS ...Yah-then, for the "Judges Interview," each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges before the pageant... Gladys is distracted by the HARD, YOUNG bodies. All are. GLADYS Yes, the Judges Interview.. Each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges prior to the pageant. Then we have the... A HUNKY WRESTLER, TONY, waves. GLADYS (cont'd) Hello, Tony. TONY Hey. GLADYS "Hey" to

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Drop Dead Gorgeous Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> DROP DEAD GORGEOUS DROP DEAD GORGEOUS FADE IN: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - MINNESOTA - DAY Vintage black and white stock footage of some farms and farmhouses. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY Color footage of cotton fields passing by. We FREEZE and FADE TO BLACK. TITLE WIPES IN: 1995 MARKED THE FIFTIETH ANNIVERSARY OF THE NATION'S OLDEST BEAUTY CONTEST... THE SARAH ROSE COSMETICS AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS PAGEANT A DOCUMENTARY FILM CREW WAS SENT TO A SMALL TOWN IN MINNESOTA TO COMMEMORATE THIS OCCASSION. INT. PAGEANT AUDITORIUM - MOUNT ROSE - DAY Vintage blue-toned stock footage of a teenage beauty pageant contestant. LEGS WIPE IN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Sarah Rose knows you're a beautiful person.... Blue-toned stock footage of a long row of beauty pageant contestants on stage. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Sarah Rose knows you have an unusual talent. Sarah Rose knows you're a teenage girl. Blue-toned stock footage of the row of contestants parading down some steps from the stage as CAMERA TILTS DOWN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Mmm, and she definitely knows that you are ready for the ultimate teen glamour. ROUSING PATRIOTIC MUSIC. FAST PACED CUTS feature SMILING TEENAGE CONTESTANTS dancing and waving American flags. APPLAUSE! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant. Each contestant wears a BANNER ACROSS her dress reading: AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) And now, a few words... ANGLE ON Contestants DROP, ROLL and form a STAR. CHEERS! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) ...from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. ADAM WEST The American Teen Princess Pageant has been enriching the lives of American- made girls since 1945. TITLES FADE ON SCREEN: Adam West, TV's Batman, then FADE OUT. ADAM WEST (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant provides personal growth, scholarship, travel, and you... Numerous contestants stand up in SHOT and SURROUND ADAM. ADAM WEST (cont'd) ...might even meet a few celebrities. At the national level, thousands of seventeen year-old girls like yourselves. and compete around the country in places like: MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Beautiful Mount Rose, Minnesota. ADAM WEST And make it all the way here to Lincoln, Alabama, to compete for the title of American Teen Princess. LIGHTS come UP on the teenaged girls in the pageant as they pause. As they WAVE AMERICAN FLAGS. Adam West turns back to the camera. ADAM WEST (cont'd) And now, a few words from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. Contestants strike a pose around him. THUNDEROUS CANNED APPLAUSE! ADAM WEST (cont'd) (pointing to camera) So, which one of you will it b-- SCREEN SUDDENLY STATIC. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY SCENE from "DAYS OF OUR LIVES" PULL BACK to reveal the VIDEO is on a TV in front of a GROUP OF SEVENTEEN YEAR-OLD GIRLS, sitting in gym bleachers. [NOTE: The film is shot documentary style. PEOPLE ARE REAL. Their lives revolve around this pageant. All speak with a THICK MINNESOTA ACCENT.] THREE "CIVIL SERVETTES," the local women's group. [Picture unattractive Stepford Wives in matching windbreakers] stand beside GLADYS LEEMAN, 34, president. She STOPS THE VIDEO. GLADYS LEEMAN Good God, Iris, you taped your shows over it. IRIS Sorry. Gladys turns to the GIRLS in the bleachers. SUPER: MOUNT ROSE, MINNESOTA POPULATION: 5,076 GLADYS LEEMAN Now ladies, the rest of the tape - which is now gone forever - goes on about startin' this great American journey we call American Teen Princess...Yah-so, any of you young ladies who'd like to start on that journey, you just come right down here and sign up. And please...help yourselves to some coffee and bars... SMASH EDIT TO: Gladys seated with middle-aged women. GLADYS Showtime. SUPER: GLADYS LEEMAN, LOCAL CHAIRMAN, PAGEANT ORGANIZING COMMITTEE. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you think that most people would say that teenage beauty pageants are a good idea? GLADYS Oh yah-sure, I know what some of your big city, no bra wearin', hairy-legged women's libbers say, "Pageants are old- fashioned" and, uh, and "demeaning" to the girls -- IRIS (jumping in) What's sick is women dressin' like men! Civil Servettes stare at her a beat. GLADYS Uh... You betcha, Iris. (quickly, back to camera) Yah-I think yous boys'll find that things are different here in Mount Rose... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) For one thing, y'know, we're God fearin' folk - every last one of us... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) You won't find a back room in our video store... Servettes AD-LIB "AMEN. YAH-YOU BETCHA." etc. GLADYS (cont'd) (V.O.) ...that filth is better left in the "Sin Cities." IRIS A.k.a. Minneapolis - St. Paul. PULL AWAY from MINNEAPOLIS SKYLINE to COUNTRYSIDE. EXT. QUAINT MAIN STREET The camera drives down the street. EXT. PICTURESQUE MIDDLE-CLASS NEIGHBORHOODS The camera drives down the street. EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE A HAPPY FAMILY raises the AMERICAN FLAG. EXT. SUBURBAN DRIVEWAY BURLY GUYS look up from washing a FORD TRUCK. EXT. TRAILER PARK Sign next to it reads: "Welcome to Mount Rose, Home of Freda Klinghagen, Minnesota's Oldest Living Lutheran" complete with a photo of the extremely old woman smiling and waving. EXT. CREW VAN An ELDERLY COUPLE looks in the passenger window of the van. ELDERLY MAN (MAYOR) Oh, yah-sure, Freda, yah. She was the oldest livin' Lutheran. Now she's dead as a doornail. It's them damn Shriners who ain't taken that Goddamn sign down yet - those lazy sons-a- bitches... I tells kem, I tells kem every goddamn year, "Take the Goddamn Freda sign down, you lazy sons-a-bitches!" SUPER: MAYOR OF MOUNT ROSE INT. GLADYS' VAN - DAY Through the window a family waves to Gladys. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY Two BOYS play basketball in the driveway of their home. EXT. FRONT LAWN - DAY SMALL CHILDREN in bathing suits play on a lawn. A boy shoots his water pistol. INT. LEEMAN STATION WAGON - AFTERNOON Civil Servettes and crew are piled in. Gladys drives. GLADYS ...Today's "To Do" list includes a trip to the Mall of America. We need outfits for the "Physical Fitness" number -- IRIS Nothin' too showy! GLADYS Y'betcha, Iris. We still need a third judge and we need to think of a theme. Servettes react with pleasure. IRIS Gladys -- Gladys! Look out! A CAR SWERVES. GLADYS Oh, my! (waving out window) Hello, Father Donigan! Sidewalks, sidewalks? Iris mimes drinking, "glug, glug." GLADYS (cont'd) Iris, stop! (to camera) It's not his fault. The communal wine just proves too temptin' for some of them. IRIS That's why we Lutherans use grape Koolaid for the blood of Christ. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA In the vast, already full parking lot, we see Gladys Leeman's station wagon searching for a parking spot. IRIS Oh, there's a parking space over there. Oh, no, that's just a compact. Sorry. GLADYS You'd think they'd build the parking lot of America to go with the Mall of America! Gladys pulls into a HANDICAPPED SPOT. Servettes and CAMERA stand outside the car. Iris points at the sign. IRIS It's a two-hundred dollar fine! GLADYS I said I'd move if a cripple came. Let's just run in the store and pick out some outfits. IRIS All right, let's go. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA PARKING LOT Iris and another Servette start to get out of the car. GLADYS Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! I just thought of the theme. Iris and the Servette stop. IRIS Oh! What is it? GLADYS (cont'd) "Proud...to be...an...American." Servettes react with pleasure. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOA PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So what was the theme of the pageant last year? GLADYS Last year? It was, "Buy American." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) And the year before that? GLADYS "U.S.A. is A-okay." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Can you remember the theme of your favorite pageant? GLADYS "Can I? I'm Amer-I-Can!" People ask me where I get this. I don't know, it's...maybe a gift from God or somethin'. INT. MOUNT ROSE HIGH - GYM - DAY PAN DOWN row of EIGHT GIRLS signing up and eating bars. SUPER: LOCAL PAGEANT REGISTRATION, MOUNT ROSE HIGH SCHOOL ANGLE ON LESLIE MILLER - sexy/peppy girl in CHEERLEADING UNIFORM. LESLIE MILLER ...Hi. (giggles) I'm Leslie Miller. I'm signin' up kcause-ah, y'know, I always watch pageants on the TV and my boyfriend thinks I'll win. SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, LESLIE MILLER She makes "gills" on the sides of her head with her hands. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) For my talent, I'm gonna be doing the.. Two FOOTBALL PLAYERS interrupt: PAT, her boyfriend, and BRETT, who smiles and gives a nod to Amber. Pat grabs Leslie and kisses her hard. LESLIE (cont'd) Uh, Pat, I'm trying to tell themabout my...Oh... Hormones take over and they lock lips again. She wraps her legs around him. He feels up her ass. They continue groping as her Washington Monument slips off. CUT TO: Leslie waves and blows kisses while performing a cheerleader chant. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) Hi, Pat! Go, Muskies! Whoo! INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM AMBER ATKINS - naturally pretty blonde, sweet as sugar pie, stares into camera like a deer caught in headlights. AMBER ATKINS (suddenly looking O.C.) Hi, I-I'm Amber Atkins and, um, I'm signin' up k'cause, ah, my two favorite people in the world competed. My mom and Diane Sawyer...Course I hope I end up a little more like Diane Sawyer than my mom... She flashes a GRIN, we melt. INT. FUNERAL HOME/EMBALMING ROOM - DAY Amber tap-dances as she applies make-up to a MALE CORPSE. SUPER: CONTESTANT #1, AMBER ATKINS DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you do any of the, uh, embalming? AMBER (laughing) Oh, my God, no. Oh, God. I just do the hair and makeup on the deceased. EXT. ROAD - DAY Amber tap dances at the side of the road as traffic passes. AMBER (V.O.) I'm lucky I have an after-school job where I can practice my talent. EXT. MOA PARKING LOT - DAY GLADYS Oh, yeah, sure. You know, every pageant is special, but this one is extra-special to me. When I was seventeen, I don't know if you know this, but I was crowned Mount Rose's American Teen Princess. And this year...drum roll please, my lovely daughter, Rebecca Ann Leeman is competin'. INT. HIGH SCHOOL REBECCA LEEMAN stands in front of Amber and addresses the camerman (O.S.). BECKY Is this my mark? (it is) Hi, I'm Rebecca Leeman. And I believe this pageant is an important experience for every young woman. It, well, it teaches you what's really important in life, and it has the power to change you in ways you've never dreamed of. INT. GUN RANGE Becky, in shooting goggles and ear muffs, FIRES a Glock- 17 9mm pistol with both hands. Sign on wall reads: "Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club." (See Iona in b.g. with an arsenal of sniper weaponry.) BECKY (yelling over noise) ...What?! Klinghagen thinks it'll all come down to me and Amber? Becky stops firing and takes off her hear muffs. BECKY (cont'd) Well, you have to take everything Mrs. Klinghagen says with a grain of salt. Not all your Catholics go to communion for the wafers, if you know what I mean... JUMP CUT TO: INT. LUTHERAN SISTERHOOD GUN RANGE - LATER Becky thumbs bullets into her magazine as she talks. BECKY ...Yah-my mom gave me this nine-mil for my thirteenth birthday... SUPER: CONTESTANT #6, BECKY LEEMAN I'll always remember what she wrote in the card. "Jesus loves winners." That's why, no matter what I do... She shoves the magazine back in her pistol. BECKY (cont'd) I aim to win. She smiles to camera, then violently fires off a few rounds. Zoom in on the MALE TARGET: several bullet holes in the head. INT. "NEW YORK, NEW YORK" BEDROOM - DAY It's all NEW YORK MEMORABILIA. Lisa Swenson - big bubbly girl - sits on her bed. LISA Why? Well, uh, it's kind of like askin', "Why do all the guys chew Copenhagen?" You know? I mean, if you're seventeen and you're not a total fry, it's just what you do. ETHEL MERMAN's "Everything's Coming Up Roses" PLAYS over speakers. SUPER: CONTESTANT #7, LISA SWENSON DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Have you decided what your talent is going to be yet? LISA I'm gonna sing and dance to, "New York, New York." See, I fell in love with The Big Apple last summer when I was visitin' my brother. He followed his dream to New York. PICKS UP 8x10's, shows to camera. LISA (cont'd) This is Peter as Liza. This is him as Madonna. Oh, here's me with him as Barbara... INT. "GERMAN SHEPHERD" BEDROOM - DAY TESS WEINHAUS, wearing an "I love German Shepherds" t- shirt. The room is filled with German Shepherd paraphernalia. TESS Uh... I don't know what my talent's gonna be yet... SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, TESS WEINHAUS TESS (cont'd) Kenny. Kenny, come. Come, Kenny. A DACHSHUND enters and jumps on her lap. TESS (cont'd) This is Kenny. Spike, my German Shepherd, went to live with a nice family on a farm after he attacked me. It wasn't his fault. I had beef jerky in my front pocket. (pulling up shirt) They re-made my belly with skin from my butt. DISSOLVE TO: INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY - DAY IONA HILDERBRANDT - librarian, 65+ - stamps books. SUPER: IONA HILDERBRANDT, MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS - 1945 IONA HILDERBRANTDT (smoked for sixty years) I was Mount Rose American Teen Princess in 1945. We were at war with the Japs. ANGLE ON A vintage B&W photograph of 18-year-old IONA HILDERBRANDT, looking surprised with hands on cheeks, is being crowned MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS by TWO SOLDIERS on a GYM STAGE. YOUNG IONA, wearing TIARA, stands with SOLDIERS and WAR OFFICIALS beside a boiling pot of metal. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (V.O.) (cont'd) I didn't even get to keep my damn tiara. Iona's about to drop her tiara into a recycling bin. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (cont'd) Had to turn it in for scrap. DISSOLVE TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM MOLLY HOWARD, a large white girl, sits between a JAPANESE COUPLE, Mr. and Mrs. HOWARD. SUPER: CONTESTANT #5, MOLLY HOWARD MR. HOWARD (heavy accent) ... So we adopt Molly three year ago when we come to America, to help acclimate us to American. MOLLY (smiling) To America, Dad. Mr. Howard laughs. MRS. HOWARD She all-American girl. She our American Teen Princess girl. MOLLY Oh, Mom... The Howard's biological daughter (they renamed her "TINA") ENTERS FRAME. Although she's the picture of beauty, grace, talent and charm, she represents their old life. TINA (in Japanese) Excuse me, Father, Mother, when are we moving back to Tokyo? I can't stand this place anymore. They put butter on everything. MR. HOWARD (turning, suddenly angry) English! English, you stupid little retard! We America now, Tina! TINA (perfect English) I'm sorry, Dad, but with all due respect, my name isn't "Tina," it's Seiko. MR. HOWARD Tina! Tina!! TINA!!! MRS. HOWARD "Robert," settle down. MR. HOWARD (screaming) AHHHHHH! Mr. Howard suddenly grabs his chest. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene. Mr. Howard is gone. TINA Mom, I just finished the third movement of that concerto I was working on. I put, like, this techno beat on this Japanese folk tune - wanna hear it? MR. HOWARD (running down the hall) No! We not like to hear it! Go to your room and shut up! TINA Oh, I almost forgot... (removing envelope from pocket) I got my acceptance to Tokyo University. MR. HOWARD What, you deaf? I say shut up-shut up- SHUT UP! (coming at camera) Cut her outta this! JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene on couch. MR. HOWARD Now Molly, tell movie man what you talent do. MOLLY I'll be line dancin'. MR. HOWARD (giving thumbs up) Country western! MRS. HOWARD Clint Black! Ruff! MR. HOWARD Hey, what he got I not got? They all laugh. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE CLOSE ON Michelle Johanson's face. MICHELLE ... Yah-I'll be performing a dramatic monologue. SUPER: CONTESTANT #2, MICHELLE JOHANSON MICHELLE (cont'd) Right now, I'm thinkin' "Othello" or... "Soylent Green." Lots of girls make a smooth transition from pageants into actin', y'know. SMASH CUT TO: LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) CONNIE, mid-30's, Midwestern attractive, wearing a sash and tiara, stands in front of a BLUE SCREEN of a FOREST. CONNIE Competin' for the title of Minnesota's American Teen Princess sure was excitin'. But, I never coulda won without my... PULL BACK to reveal a table full of PORK PRODUCTS. CONNIE (cont'd) St. Paul Pork Products! LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SCREEN CHANGES to OUTSIDE FACTORY/STOCK YARDS. Connie now wears a coat and hat and acts as if it's chilly. CONNIE (cont'd) I've been enjoyin' St. Paul Pork Products for years. I grew up right next to these stock yards. SCREEN CHANGES to VIDEO of a SLAUGHTER LINE. PIG CARCASSES move on hooks. Connie wears a hard hat and blood stained butcher's apron. CONNIE (cont'd) It's still the same family-run business that Walter and Vera Polarski started in 1920 when they raised and slaughtered their first pig. Connie grabs a HOT DOG from O.C. and takes a bite. CONNIE (cont'd) Mmm-mmmm. I just love St. Paul Pork Products. In fact, I love kem so much LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SLIDE CHANGES to VIDEO of the SAUSAGE LINE. Workers stuff sausages. Connie wears a white jumpsuit and hairnet. CONNIE (cont'd) I work here now! INT. BETZ LIVING ROOM - NIGHT MRS. BETZ, a large woman, holds a tray of bars. CREW MEMBERS REACH IN THE SHOT and help themselves. JANELLE BETZ sits on the couch, SIGNING EVERYTHING she says. JANELLE (slow, due to signing) ...My talent will be an interpretive dance while I sing, "Through the Eyes of Love." I have a dream of spreadin' sign language around the world... Mom? Would you be so kind? SUPER: CONTESTANT #8, JANELLE BETZ JANELLE (cont'd) Yeah. Well, see, uh, I have a dream of spreading sign language around the world. (to Mrs. Betz) Mom, would you be so kind. Mrs. Betz quickly puts down the bars and goes to the piano where she starts "Through the Eyes of Love." Janelle begins to gesticulate and sign words in an overly dramatic performance that looks like a bizarre seizure. SOUND occasionally DIPS OUT as the BOOM OPERATOR reaches for bars. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER TAMMY CURRY - a cute, jock-type. She wears a LETTER JACKET, covered with VARSITY SPORTS PATCHES. TAMMY CURRY Tammy Curry. I'm signin' up for the scholarship'n'all. SMASH CUT TO: INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM She POINTS to VARIOUS PATCHES on her LETTER JACKET. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) ...This one's for Varsity Soccer, uh, I'm captain. (pointing) I run track, and, uh... (points to small gun patch) Right here, I'm the new President of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club... ANGLE ON LSGC PRESIDENT logo patch. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) (O.S.) I love that one. EXT. FARM FIELD Shot from crew van. Sun is setting behind a lovely field of green. A John Deere Thresher travels across the burning red horizon. DOCUMENTARIAN (V.O.) Would you say you have a good chance to win this pageant? SUPER: CONTESTANT #9, TAMMY CURRY TAMMY (V.O.) Yeah, you bet I do. I mean, maybe other people think I can't win a beauty pageant. But other people didn't think I could beat out Becky Leeman for President of the gun club, either. And I did. I-I-It's just like Anthony Robbins says, "I'm a winner. Nobody can stop me but me!" KABLOOM! Tammy's John Deere thresher BLOWS UP! INT. LUTHERAN CHURCH BASEMENT - KITCHEN AREA - NIGHT CLOSE ON framed school photo of Tammy Curry. PULL BACK to see her letter jacket - scorched and torn (Lutheran Gun Club patch is MISSING) - and flowers. CONTINUE PULLING BACK to reveal both are surrounded by buns, bars and coffee on a long buffet table. A line of somber and repressed Lutherans help themselves to the food. Servettes stand at the ready. Gladys and Iris face the camera. GLADYS Well, you know, I think everyone's doing really well considering the fact that she was so young. IRIS It's always hard to see the young ones called home, especially on an exploding thresher. It's just so odd and gross. GLADYS You know that sometimes it's hard to understand God's great plan. IRIS Yeah. Iris pats Gladys on the shoulder. FEMALE MOURNER #1 May I have a tissue? GLADYS But the show must go on. (she faces Iris) I gotta get a hold of Ted and ask him if we can use that barn light as a spot again. So you watch the Jell-o salad, okay? IRIS All right. Okay. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER It's smokey as hell. THREE "FRY" GIRLS and a PREGNANT "FRY" GIRL - all with "shelf bangs" - smoke and drink. FRY GIRL #1 ...Oh, yeah-right. I ain't gonna be in no goddamn pageant! Look what happened to that dork-ass farm girl. PREGNANT FRY GIRL (O.C.) Tammy Curry? FRY GIRL #1 Yah-yah. Everyone says this is a big accident? She got iced because she wins everything, and this time someone didn't want her to win. PREGNANT FRY GIRL This pageant's like a roach motel. FRY GIRL #1 Girls check in, but they don't check out. PREGNANT FRY GIRL Yeah. And they say smokin' is bad for your health. FRY GIRL #1 (raising cigarette into frame) Yeah. EXT. OLD TWO STORY HOUSE - ESTABLISHING - DAY SIGN painted on GARAGE DOOR: "Dance Studio, Downstairs past the Laundry Room." CAMERA moves DOWNSTAIRS to converted basement. LISA SWENSON and two other large "ballerinas" practice at a 2x4/ballet barre. MOZART plays in the b.g. CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN watches and smokes. (Picture Betty Davis in her final days.) CHLORIS And tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. And repeat. Suck in the belly, girls, and tuck in the tushes! SUPER: CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN, CHOREOGRAPHER CHLORIS (cont'd) Close those legs! You look like a bunch of bowlegged cows! Other side. And...tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. CUT TO: Chloris smokes and talks to camera. "Ballerinas" practice. CHLORIS (cont'd) Yeah, you boys sure picked a good year. If I was a betting woman, and there was a line on this in Vegas, I'd lay down ten-to-one that it all comes down to Amber Atkins and Becky Leeman. Oh, sweet Jesus, what a showdown this could be if Cain and Abel... The SOUND RECORDIST enters and Lisa spins out of control, taking him out. She leans over and comforts him. LISA Ow! Oh, God. It's so em-so embarrassing. EST. SHOT - "DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC" - DAY MARY (V.O.) (labored breaths) My winning...the Mount Rose... INT. PATIENT'S ROOM - DAY SMILING ANOREXIC GIRL sits in bed - a TIARA in what's left of her hair and a SASH over her hospital gown. MARY ...American Teen Princess Pageant... SUPER: MARY JOHANSON, REIGNING MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS MARY (cont'd) ...really changed my life. The TIARA SLIPS OFF her BALDING HEAD and rolls to the floor. INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber fixes Mary's hair, carefully brushing her balding head. Mary smiles, oblivious. MARY (labored breaths) ...Amber does my hair...once a week. AMBER (flattered and embarrassed) Well...it's the least I can do for the reigning Mount Rose Junior Miss Amer-- Amber pulls the brush away with a clump of Mary's hair dangling from it. AMBER (cont'd) Oh God... MARY What? AMBER Huh? Oh...Uh, just a little snarl... Amber mouths, "Shhh! Don't tell!" to camera as she tries to pull the clump of hair from the brush. JUMP CUT TO: INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber ties the tiara and missing clump of hair to Mary's head with a ribbon. AMBER There we go. She holds the mirror for Mary. MARY (delusional) Beautiful... Maybe next week... a perm. AMBER Yah... sure... Amber gives a kind but worried smile to camera. Suddenly, Becky Leeman enters with a large box of chocolates. She's fully aware of the cameras from the moment she enters. BECKY Hellooo, Little Mary Sunshine! (pretending to notice camera) What?! Oh-oh my God! Lights! Camera! And me without a stitch of make-up on. What are you guys doin' here? She's in full make-up. AMBER What're you doin' here? BECKY Oh, Amber, like you're the only one who visits Mary. MARY (to Becky) Who are you? BECKY (covering) "Who are you?!" Oh Mary, you kill me. (to camera) She always says that. It's a little game we play. Every week - same dippy little look on her face. "Who are you - who are you?" Just like that. (in Mary's face) It's me - Becky - and I brought your favorites. Becky puts the chocolates on Mary's lap, a few spill. Throughout the following, Mary slowly reaches for them as if they're forbidden fruit and she's a very hungry Eve. AMBER How nice, Becky, she's anorexic. Becky roughly puts her hands over Mary's ears, who's now gently petting the spilled chocolates in her lap. BECKY (sotto, reprimanding tone) She's skinny, not deaf, Amber. EXT. TRAILER - LATE AFTERNOON MONTAGE - Amber taps around the mobile home community, HOME FROM SCHOOL - backpack, Walkman, cool music blaring. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber stands in a room the SIZE OF A CLOSET. Posters, articles and pictures of great tap dancers and Diane Sawyer cover the walls. AMBER ... Dreams? Yah-sure I got kem... Sometimes I dream of winnin'... I dream of gettin' outta Mount Rose and bein' a big time reporter like Diane Sawyer. I mean, guys get outta Mount Rose all the time for hockey scholarships or prison. But the pageant's kinda my only chance. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber points to LARGE PAGEANT PHOTO OF DIANE SAWYER - 1963 AMBER ... Yah-1963. Her beauty worked against her when she started as a reporter in Louisville, her hometown. Those were different times. ANNETTE (O.S.) (yelling, coughing) Hey, Amber, y'get my smokes? AMBER (smiling) That's my mom. (yelling) I'll get kem in a sec. ANNETTE ATKINS, Amber's mom - sexy, but tired - OPENS THE DOOR. ANNETTE (surprised by cameras) Oh shit! AMBER They're from L.A. They wanted to see my room and film me for their movie. ANNETTE (mock-touched, to crew) Oh... How quickly they grow up. (exiting, smiling) Hey, if they ask you to take off your shirt, get the money first. Annette is gone. ANNETTE (cont'd) (O.S.) And go get my smokes! JUMP CUT TO: EST. SHOT - LEEMAN FAMILY HOME - DAY Landscaped grounds surround this lovely two-story. INT. LEEMAN HOME - VARIOUS ROOMS Brief "LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH & FAMOUS" montage of Gladys showing off interiors to the theme from "GONE WITH THE WIND." INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY It looks like a Levitz showroom. Gladys sits stiffly between Becky and her husband, LESTER - mid-60's, gruff, "old school" salesman, drink in hand. LESTER ...You betcha. S'posed to be colder-n- a witches tit tonight... GLADYS (nervous laugh) Oh, Lester. He loves his weather, y'know. LESTER (looking to crew, O.S.) Hey, ya like it? Open it...Yah-the globe. Pull at the equator there. GLADYS We're not in the showroom, Dear. Banging and fumbling. A CORKSCREW flies into shot - CREW GUY quickly ENTERS SHOT and grabs it. LESTER Fits three full-size booze bottles. The cassette deck pulls outta Afghanistan, there. BECKY (embarrassed) Mommm... GLADYS Lester? LESTER Oh, all right (to camera) How soon they forget where all this comes from. BECKY Japan. LESTER That's enough, young lady. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER GLADYS "Impartial?" Outside this house I'm Gladys Leeman, President, Civil Servettes - impartial as the day is long. But we're inside my home now and I've gotta warn you, I'm wearin' my "wife apron" and "mom hat." So, I can safely say that I'm the mother of the most talented contestant Mount Rose has ever seen. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER Lester's gone from the couch. GLADYS I'll field that one - Rebecca's saving her voice. Becky smiles admiringly at Gladys. GLADYS (cont'd) You-betcha, Rebecca's ready. She's been singin' and dancin' since she was knee high to a pig's eye. Lester returns to the couch, large drink in hand. LESTER Yah-she's damn near as good as that little black fella - with the glass eye. GLADYS Sammy Davis, Jr., honey. LESTER Yeah, yeah, the Jew. BECKY Nice one, Dad. He's dead. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Same scene. BOYS' WRESTLING TEAM - tight singlets - runs laps around gym - between Servettes and camera. GLADYS ...Yah-then, for the "Judges Interview," each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges before the pageant... Gladys is distracted by the HARD, YOUNG bodies. All are. GLADYS Yes, the Judges Interview.. Each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges prior to the pageant. Then we have the... A HUNKY WRESTLER, TONY, waves. GLADYS (cont'd) Hello, Tony. TONY Hey. GLADYS "Hey" to

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ENERGY BOLT which instantly envelopes First Security Man in a PURPLE GLOW (of implosion). Second Security Man has almost lifted his phaser -- but now carefully, slowly is moving his hand away from his weapon. 210 CLOSER - THE SECURITY MEN (O) 210 PURPLE GLOW FADES, the First Security Man has simply vanished. 210A FULL SHOT - BRIDGE 210A Chekov, like the others, horrified, flips a switch and the COMPUTER-VOICE ("Intruder Alert") goes OFF. At the same time Chekov speaks into his intercom: CHEKOV Security... do not send further teams! The Probe is sending out snake-like tendrils to the various consoles on the bridge. These tendrils lash out in a cobra-strike movement, the tendril-head seeming to enter into the console affected -- at which time all monitors and instrument lights there come ON as if the Probe is "reading" each console function. The crew carefully stays clear of the tendrils. Spock has risen, moving to Kirk's side as he slowly brings his tricorder up, very carefully extracting its tiny sensor and aiming it at the probe. CHEKOV (shaken) No intruder readings on other decks, Captain... (to Spock) Can that be one of their crew? SPOCK (quiet) A probe from their vessel... (to Kirk) A plasma-energy combination... Meanwhile, the probe is now hovering near Chekov who sits frozen, fists clenched, jaw tight. DECKER Don't interfere with it...! CHEKOV Absolutely, I will not interfere! 210B ANGLE INCLUDING SPOCK'S CONSOLE (O) 210B as the "probe" withdraws an energy-tendril from one bridge station and "inserts" it into another console. KIRK No one interfere...! It doesn't seem interested in us -- only the ship...! Kirk's words are never completed as suddenly all the energy tendrils withdraw from all consoles and a larger, more powerful-looking tendril lashes out, snaking into the science console complex. 210C CLOSER ON SCIENCE CONSOLE 210C Where, also immediately, all the console and computer lights are suddenly flashing wildly, rapidly -- -- There is an incredibly fast EXCHANGE OF HIGH-PITCHED BEES -- the computer obviously in unauthorized commu- nication with the probe! KIRK Computer off! DECKER It's taken control of the computer...! KIRK It's running our records! Starfleet strength, Earth defenses... As Decker moves to the main power control, Spock now steps in, his Vulcan strength easily brushing Kirk and Decker aside. Spock clasps his fists above his head, brings it down in a SHATTERING BLOW on the console. It splits open! As the bridge lights dim even more, and as the science console shorts itself out -- and off, Decker confronts Spock: DECKER We could have cut it off at the main computer... SPOCK This served the purpose. Kirk has been giving Spock a puzzled look -- Spock now turns abruptly, and: 210D ANOTHER ANGLE (O) 210D as Spock, in stepping back, accidentally brushes the probe's energy tendril -- a FLASH OF LIGHT at the contact point sends Spock sinning under the rail and to the floor near Ilia. The probe's energy-tendril has withdrawn from the darkened science console, hov- ers high over the dazed Spock as if angrily seeking the reason for the break in its computer contact. Spock starts to rise. ILIA Mr. Spock, don't move...! Decker steps toward her, AD LIBBING a grim "Ilia...!" But he has no chance as: 211 OMITTED 211 - - 219 219 220 CLOSER ON ILIA (O) 220 The Probe hovers over her, its whole mass seemingly about to envelope her with a single tendril extended toward her, somehow freezing her into immobility - and then the entire Probe DISSOLVES IN A BLINDING FLASH OF WHITE, obscuring Ilia. Almost instantly the WHITE FLASH FADES -- but Ilia has vanished -- her tricorder clattering to the deck. 221 OMITTED 221 222 ACROSS THE NAVIGATOR'S STATION TO KIRK AND DECKER 222 helpless, shocked, gazing at the place Ilia was -- but which is now empty. DECKER (to Kirk, quiet fury) This is how I define unwarranted! And almost at the same moment a new BRIDGE ALARM SIGNAL. 223 OMITTED 223 - - 232 232 233 The ALARM still sounding as from the giant alien ves- 233 sel, we SEE STRANGE, OPAQUE ENERGY PATTERNS STREAKING TOWARD US. Kirk vaults to the command chair, lunges for controls, as Decker races to the weapons-defense console. DECKER (voice amplified) The ship is under attack...! Man all defensive stations...! KIRK Forcefields, full remaining strength...! Total reserve! Appropriate ALARM KLAXONS, and COMPUTER VOICES begin SOUNDING, and all this is lost in a SUDDEN SHRILLING SOUND (a constant, high-pitched tone). For a moment the energy patterns are prominent on the viewer -- and then the PATTERNS VANISHED and the SHRILL SOUND FADES -- and: 234 FAVOR THE VIEWER (O) 234 showing V'ger GROWING RAPIDLY IN SIZE. The Enterprise is being pulled along the length of the big ship, toward its "prow." SPOCK Captain, we have been seized by a tractor beam...! KIRK (to Decker) Get someone up here to take the Navigator's station...! (into intercom) Engineering... full emergency power! DECKER (into intercom) Chief Difalco to the bridge; on the double! 234A ENGINEERING 234A in a state of controlled chaos, all personnel at their stations, the Engine CORE GLOWING. Scott is working his controls, speaking into the intercom: SCOTT Going to full emergency... (studying readings) But Captain, if we don't break free in fifteen seconds, she'll burn up... 234B INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING SPOCK 234B as Spock studies his readings, and: SPOCK We cannot break free, Captain. (indicates monitors) We do not have a fraction of the power necessary. KIRK (into intercom) Delay that order, Scotty...! Disengage all main drive systems! Spock peers in deep concentration at the Main Viewer, trying to sense some clue. Kirk glances at him another moment, then turns to the Main Viewer himself, watches in frustrated helplessness. 235 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE BEING PULLED TOWARD V'GER (S) 235 the starship being pulled toward the giant as though on a taut cable. As we MOVE CLOSER, we SEE still more intricate details of the incredible Alien design. 236 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 236 as Difalco arrives on the run, and Decker AD LIBS to her, "Assume Navigator's station, Chief...!" Difalco, bewildered, wants to ask what happened, but no time, and she quickly sits at the post, begins orienting herself. Meanwhile, Decker has begun an Executive Officer's bridge circuit, assisting with various con- soles. Kirk is glancing toward Spock who continues concentrating on the Viewer, striving to comprehend the myriad of thoughts he is sensing from he Aliens. McCoy also arrives on the bridge, takes in the chaotic scene, watches the Viewer grimly. 237 OMITTED 237 - - 238 238 239 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER (S) 239 At the forward end of the giant, an odd-shapped "iris" begins opening menacingly. And it is frighteningly obvious that the tractor beam is pulling the Enterprise to the opening. 240 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 240 showing the unusual "iris" now almost fully open as Enterprise is drawn closer, closer -- through the "iris" we now SEE (some of) V'ger's interior: a dark void relieved only by strange flickering glows of dis- tant ENERGY FIELD PATTERNS. The crew reacts with understandable awe, apprehension, curiosity, as: DECKER Captain, suggest a maximum phaser strike directly at the beam might weaken it just enough for us to break free -- Spock replies for Kirk: quickly, as though to make his point convincingly: SPOCK Break free to where, Commander...? (to Kirk) Any show of resistance would not only be futile, Catain... 240XA ACROSS SPOCK TO KIRK (DECKER AND McCOY IN B.G.) 240XA as Kirk reacts somewhat curiously to Spock's remark, but it is Decker who articulates it: DECKER (troubled; suspicious) We don't know that, Mr. Spock. Why are you opposed to trying? Before Spock can reply: UHURA They're pulling us inside...! All face the Viewer again, react, with McCoy who has been observing all these reactions now galvanized into action: McCOY (to Chekov) Medical observers to all decks! And he hurries toward the elevators, CAMERA WITH HIM a moment, then SWINGING BACK TO: 240A PAST KIRK TO VIEWER (O) 240A Kirk staring at the viewer -- the "iris" now fully open so that the exterior of V'ger is no longer visible -- and all we can SEE is the monstrous void dead ahead, which is looming faster and larger before our eyes. And now we are inside. 241 OMITTED 241 - - 243 243 244 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER - AT THE "IRIS" (S) 244 Enterprise now being pulled past the opening -- into the ship proper. Now we can SEE that the dark void is actually a vast chamber, dimly and intermittently lit by POWERFIELDS appearing and vanishing along the vessel's inner walls, which are miles away in the distance. And here and there in the chamber gigantic ENERGY DISPLAYS erupt briefly with a certain symmetry that suggests they must be part of V'ger's ower or control systems. 245 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 245 Kirk peering awed at the Viewer, the incredible sight of the chamber -- suddenly glances up to see that Spock is standing beside him -- Decker nearby, turns to Spock: DECKER (to Spock) Why bring us inside? Not to destroy us; they could have done that outside. KIRK They could have many ways of destroying things, Mr. Decker. SPOCK (peering at Viewer) Something about us puzzles them... perhaps even concerns them. 245A ANGLE ON UHURA 245A Reacting to a console reading: UHURA Captain, photic-sonar readings indicate the aperture is closing; we're trapped, sir...! 246 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE ENTERING V'GER (S) 246 The starship is pulled inside, the "iris" is closing behind it. 247 INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING THE VIEWER (O) 247 The viewer image changing from the huge dark chamber, rear angle shot, showing the "iris" closing. SULU Reverse angle on the viewer, Captain. On the viewer the final glimmer from exterior space as the "iris" closes completely. 248 REACTIONS 248 All eyes on the viewer, CAMERA FINDING ONE FACE AFTER ANOTHER, the reality of the situation etched into each face. Then: 248A FAVORING KIRK 248A As Spock turns from a reading: SPOCK The tractor beam has released us, Captain. DIFALCO Confirmed: Vessel is floating free. No forward momentum. KIRK Viewer ahead. SULU Viewer ahead, sir. 248B INSERT - MAIN VIEWER 248B Ahead, the cavernous interior of V'ger. 248C BACK TO SHOT 248C Kirk eying the main viewer -- Decker watching Kirk. KIRK Maneuvering thrusters, Mr. Sulu; ahead one third. (to Spock) Full sensor scan, Mr. Spock; they can't expect us not to look them over now! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters ahead, one third. SPOCK (manipulating controls) Commencing sensor scans. Kirk rises, goes to Spock's station. 249 INT. V'GER ENTRANCE CHAMBER - ENTERPRISE (S) 249 The Enterprise moving slowly forward in this vastness, its running lights merely specks of light, candles in the darkness. In the distance those occasional ERUPT- ING POWER DISPLAYS in distant locations, sizes, shapes and patterns. 250 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING MAIN VIEWER (O) 250 showing another persective of the above, and further away GLOWING ENERGY FIELDS dimly illuminating the alien ship's walls -- miles away. Strange semi--solid LIGHT SHAPES (some are "sensor-bee" swarms) traverse the dark- ness in random directions. But in the distance ahead, there seems to be an opening to another chamber. SULU (of Viewer) Something ahead, sir; looks like another area... (reacts) It's closing up...! Sulu is indicating what appears to be a lace-bulwark of POWERFIELD PATTERNS closing off the "chamber" in the distance ahead. Kirk, from the Science Station calls out: KIRK Hold station...! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters at station keeping... 251 ANGLE EMPHASIZING SPOCK 251 at his Science consoles, working rapidly, shifting from one set of controls to another. Now he hits a master control -- his console monitors FLASH, then go dark. SPOCK Captain... Spock brings a monitor IMAGE ON again, indicates a (Povill) pattern showing a line hitting something, then reversing direction. SPOCK (continuing) All scans are being reflected back, Captain. Our sensors are useless. 251A ACROSS THEM TO THE MAIN VIEWER 251A Kirk reacts with disappointment, indicates the main viewer. KIRK Have you been able to analyze any of this...? SPOCK (voice increasingly reverential) I believe the light flares to be energy fields -- undoubtedly part of the vessel's inner mechanism. A technology so incredibly sophisticated that I cannot -- COMPUTER VOICE (overlapping) Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert..! (continues) 252 OMITTED 252 - - 253 253 254 ANGLE ON CHEKOV 254 Reacting to a console reading: CHEKOV Deck four, Captain; Officers' Quarters...! KIRK (to Chekov) Have a security team meet me at Deck Four main elevator! A moment's reaction from all at this, Kirk hurrying toward elevator, calling: KIRK (continuing) Take the conn, Mr. Decker: Hold present position... (gesturing Spock to join him) Spock... And Spock rises, joins Kirk and they hurriedly exit, the CAMERA SWINGING BACK to Decker, his perplexed con- cern (because of Ilia). 254A INT. ILIA'S CABIN - THE SONIC SHOWER 254A Where we SEE, behind the translucent stall door, what is unmistakably the form of the NUDE FEMALE. 255 INT. ILIA'S CABIN - KIRK 255 entering, Spock slightly behind him - and one Security Guard. Kirk glances around the room, now glances at the shower area and reacts as he sees the NAKED FORM. The others react similarly, even Spock cannot help re- pressing an expression of surprise. A moment's uncer- tainty as Kirk peers at them, then he steps to the stall door, hesitates another instant -- then slides the door open. (NOTE: Arrange lighting for bizarre, mysterious effect.) Kirk's eyes cannot believe what he is seeing: 255A "ILIA" 255A standing in the sonic mist, naked but for a small multi-colored button embedded in her throat. As she looks at Kirk -- and the others -- the men peer back at her, speechless. "ILIA" I have been programmed by V'ger to observe and record normal functioning of the carbon-based units infesting USS ENTERPRISE. Kirk peers at her another nonplussed moment, then leans into the shower to touch a control, his eyes fixed on the lovely body behind the mist. He punches in a three digit code. Immediately a HUMMING SOUND emanates from the shower stall, Kirk closing the door, but 'Ilia" remaining inside. 256 ACROSS KIRK AND THE OTHERS TO THE SHOWER STALL 256 The HUMMING SOUND just now reaching a gentle crescendo -- through the translucent door you can see COLORS ENVELOPING "ILIA'S" FORM. And now the SOUND STOPS. "Ilia", attired in a leisure robe, steps from the stall, into the room. She stands facing Kirk, her face impas- sive, eyes unblinking. He looks her back a moment, then glances at Spock, who is gazing at "Ilia" in abso- lute fascination. Kirk addresses her: KIRK Who is...'V'ger'...? "ILIA" V'ger is that which programmed me. KIRK Is V'ger the Captain of the alien vessel? 256A ANGLE ON THE DOOR - McCOY 256A rushing in, concerned: McCOY Jim, what's -- At the sight of 'Ilia", McCoy's words die in his throat -- and his trained eyes have instantly told him some- thing is awry. He unslings his tricorder, aims the sensor unit at "Ilia". As he reads his instruments, his face reveals the results (incredulity, fascination). Meanwhile, from the start: "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. McCOY (of "Ilia") Jim, this is a mechanism...! Kirk stares at McCoy, then at "Ilia" and realizes that "Ilia" is indeed non-human. And quickly: KIRK Where is Lt. Ilia? "ILIA" That unit no longer functions. I have been given its form to more readily communicate with the carbon-based units infesting Enterprise. SECURITY GUARD "Carbon-based units"...? McCOY (drily) Humans, Ensign Lang: us. (continues tricorder exam, increasingly impressed) KIRK (to "Ilia") Why does V'ger travel to the third planet of the solar system directly ahead? "ILIA" V'ger travels to the third planet to find the Creator. Stunned, disbelieving reactions as all four attempt to digest this -- Spock gazing at "Ilia" with even more rapt fascination. Kirk, bewildered, addresses the others: KIRK Find the Creator? What Creator? Whose...!? (to "Ilia") What does V'ger want of the 'Creator'... ? "ILIA" To join with him. 256B FAVORING SPOCK 256B suddenly alert, addressing "Ilia": SPOCK Join with the Creator... ? How? "ILIA" V'ger and the Creator will become One. SPOCK Who is the Creator? McCOY (worried) Mr. Spock, be careful. "ILIA" The Creator is that which created V'ger. KIRK Who is V'ger? "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. Another moment of total exasperation, frustration, during which "Ilia" seems to be waiting politely, patiently for any further questions. When none are forthcoming: "ILIA" (continuing; pleasant, bland) I am ready to commence my observations. SPOCK (fast; to McCoy) Doctor, a thorough examination of this probe might provide some insight into those who manufactured it, and how to deal with them. McCOY Let's get her to sickbay. And he grasps "Ilia's" arm to escort her. But is as though he has seized cast iron: immovable. McCoy is thrown off balance merely by 'Ilia's" remaining sta- tionary. She ignores McCoy, addresses Kirk: "ILIA" I am programmed to observe and record normal functioning procedures of the carbon-based units. 256B Kirk glances at McCoy, who is totally bemused, but then 256B Kirk quickly responds to "Ilia": KIRK The examination is a normal function. "ILIA" (a beat) You may proceede. McCOY (carefully) Thank you. 257 CLOSE SHOT OF EXAMINING ROOM VIEWER (O) 257 scanning a "body". PULL BACK TO SHOW McCoy, Chapel, Kirk, Spock and Chekov -- standing over "ILIA" who lies prone on the table, the physicians moving the scanner over her. McCOY (from the start; indicating) ... micro-miniature hydraulics, sensors, molecule-sized multi- processor chips... and look at this... In the b.g., Decker enters, grimly observes the proceed- ings. CHAPEL (impressed) An osmotic micro-pump... here and here. Even the smallest body functions are exactly duplicated. (traces with finger on screen) And every exocrine system is here, too -- Chapel breaks off abruptly, noticing "Ilia" is peering intently -- almost with a glimmer of recognition -- at Decker. Slightly disconcerted, Chapel continues: CHAPEL (continuing) -- even eye moisture. "ILIA" (peering at Decker) Deck -- er. 257A FAVORING SPOCK 257A as everyone reacts to "Ilia's" utterance of Decker's name. It seems to make the deepest impression on Spock, confirming something he has suspected. SPOCK (to "Ilia") Interesting. Not 'Decker-unit'? "Ilia" continues peering at Decker with just a hint of a puzzled frown, a glimmer of distant recognition. It's the first time we've seen her expression look anything but cool and bland. This results in the quizzical rising of one of Spock's eyebrows. 258 ANOTHER ANGLE 258 McCoy's examination now turns "Ilia" away from the others. Spock quickly catches Kirk's and Decker's attention, indicates an adjoining door -- they fol- low him out of the room. 259 INT. McCOY'S OFFICE 259 as Kirk, Spock and Decker enter, the door snapping shut -- and Spock touching the electronic lock to secure them. He faces the others: SPOCK Captain... this probe may be a key a key to the Aliens. DECKER It's a programmed mechanism, Mr. Spock... SPOCK We have just seen that its body duplicates our navigator in precise detail. Suppose that beneath its programming, the real Ilia's memory patterns are duplicated with equal precision. KIRK They had a pattern to follow... SPOCK (nods) ... they may have followed it too precisely. KIRK (comprehending) Ilia's memory, her feelings of loyalty, friendship, obedience... might all be there. 259A ANGLE ON DECKER 259A also comprehending, and not liking it one bit as Spock and Kirk are both turning their attention to him. SPOCK Exactly. (to Decker) And you did have a 'relationship' with Lieutenant Ilia, Commander. DECKER That probe in there -- in a different form now -- is the same thing that killed Ilia! KIRK Commander, we're locked in an alien vessel, six hours from Earth orbit, our only contact with our captors is the probe. If we can control it, persuade it, use it in some way... Interrupted by the SOUND of someone trying to open the locked door behind them. Then a METAL RIPPING SOUND as they whirl to see: 260 MEDICAL OFFICE DOOR 260 with the METAL BUCKLING, TEARING -- and a single hand slicing the steel door like paper. It is the "Ilia" probe, her face absolutely impassive, her whole manner incongruously benign. (Behind her, a startled McCoy, Chapel and Chekov.) "Ilia" speaks flatly, blandly. "ILIA" I have recorded enough here. (motions to Kirk) You will now assist me further. Kirk exchanges a quick glance with Spock. Then: KIRK (indicating Decker) The Decker-unit can assist you with much greater efficiency... "Ilia" has seemed about to object -- but now her eyes hold on Decker. Then she nods. KIRK (continuing) Carry on with your assignment, Mr. Decker. 260A ANOTHER ANGLE - ACROSS DECKER TO THE SMASHED DOOR 260A (AND "ILIA") as Decker looks at "Ilia" who stands at the torn door. You can read Decker's mind: I'm supposed to persuade that?! He turns back, finds Kirk's eyes on him. Decker nods. DECKER Aye, sir. "Ilia" and a reluctant Decker EXIT. 260B EMPHASIZING SPOCK 260B looking very troubled as they watch Decker and "Ilia" leave. Kirk notices. KIRK Spock? Concerned about his chances? SPOCK I am uneasy with that being our only hope of more information. Spock EXITS. 261 INT. V'GER - THE ENTERPRISE 261 floating in the vast, eerie, alien chamber -- sporadic FLASHES OF ENERGY, erupting now and then. Various other EFFECTS. OVER this, Kirk's VOICE: KIRK (V.O.) Captain's Log. Stardate 7414.1. Our best estimates place us some four hours from Earth. No significant Ilia memory patterns within the alien probe. This remains our only means of contact with our captor. 262 INT. ENTERPRISE AIRLOCK AREA 262 The area dimly lit -- unoccupied but for a lone AIRLOCK TECHNICIAN checking and adjusting instruments. The CAMERA MOVES PAST him to FIND: 263 SPOCK 263 His face fixed with grim determination, walking quietly with obvious intent not to attract the Tech's attention. Now he steals up behind the TECH -- and in an instant has applied a Vulcan nerve pinch. The Tech slumps over his console. 264 INT KIRK'S CABIN - VIEWER MONITOR 264 Showing a CLOSE SHOT of ENTERPRISE PICTURES, then PULL BACK SLIGHTLY for an IMAGE of Decker and "Ilia" walk- ing through the Rec Deck. PULL BACK FURTHER TO SHOW Kirk watching this -- and with him is McCoy. They continue watching a troubled beat, as: DECKER (of pictures) All these vessels were called "Enterprise". "Ilia" is giving the pictures a very interested look as we HEAR in Kirk's cabin: UHURA'S INTERCOM VOICE (controlled excitement) Bridge to Captain... 265 OMITTED 265 266 INT. BRIDGE - UHURA'S STATION (SCIENCE STATION IN 266 B.G.) Uhura at her console, struggling to hear the signal. KIRK'S INTERCOM VOICE Kirk here. In the b.g., Spock's station a MAINTENANCE TEAM is replacing the broken Science Station computer. (Spock is conspicuously absent.) UHURA A faint signal from Starfleet, sir. They have the intruder on their monitors... (struggling to hear) They show us... three hours... twenty-four minutes from Earth! KIRK'S VOICE (thru intercom) Thank you. 267 INT. RECREATION DECK 267 Decker and "Ilia", the Rec Deck unoccupied but for a pair of wary SECURITY GUARDS at a very discreet dis- tance. They are near the pictures of the five Enter- prises, which should be FEATURED in this SHOT, as Decker waves his hand about the huge room. DECKER The carbon units use this area for recreation... (carefully) What type of recreation does the crew aboard your vessel enjoy...? 268 CLOSER TWO SHOT (PICTURES O.S.) 268 As "Ilia" moves on into the room, Decker follows: "ILIA" The words 'recreation' and 'enjoy' have no meaning to my programming. Decker peers at the lovely android with frustration -- and no little pain, for she is after all the exact replica of Ilia. She pays not the slightest attention to Decker's reaction, and begins walking about the Rec Deck taking in (and, clearly, transmitting all images to V'ger) the sights. They are near a game area (elec- tronic games), and now Decker points to one game, switches it on -- presses button to activate its LIGHTS and SOUNDS. "Ilia" watches interestedly as Decker operates the game. DECKER Ilia 'enjoyed' this game... she nearly always won -- And he demonstrates again, as "Ilia" steps to the device, deftly hits some buttons -- and for just an instant she turns to Decker with a momentary glimmer of recognition. 269 INT. KIRK'S CABIN - GROUP WATCHING THE MONITOR 269 McCoy watching with special interest: McCOY (approving) Good! He's using audial-visual association. But the words are not out of McCoy's mouth when "Ilia" says: "ILIA" This device serves no purpose. She steps away from the game; Decker's disappointment is evident. So is everyone elses. KIRK Damn...! McCOY (nods grimly) She needs something else: something much more personal to stimulate memory patterns. Something with a more emotional tie. Kirk reacts to this, reflective. 270 INT. REC DECK FULL ON DECKER AND "ILIA" 270 Decker waving back toward the general area of the Enterprise pictures. DECKER The crews of the previous Enterprises were also carbon units. In what way is the life form in your vessel different? "ILIA" Carbon units are not true life forms... Do those images repre- sent how Enterprise has evolved into its present form? DECKER (hoping he's struck a responsive chord) Yes. "ILIA" Carbon units have clearly retarded Enterprise's proper evolvement. DECKER (controlling surprise) What is Enterprise's proper evolvement? "ILIA" Enterprise should not require the presence of carbon units. And with this she moves off, observing other Rec Deck objects. Decker moves with her; then: DECKER (carefully) Enterprise would be unable to function without carbon units. "ILIA" More data concerning this functioning is necessary before carbon units can be patterned for data storage. 271 ACROSS "ILIA" TO DECKER 271 as he reacts to this ominous note; he stops abruptly. DECKER What does that mean? "ILIA" (stopping; almost pleasantly) When my examination is complete, the carbon units will be reduced to data patterns. This has been delivered with chilling blandness, and she stands facing Decker, almost as though waiting for him to thank her. He thinks fast now. DECKER Within you are memory patterns of a carbon unit. If I can help you revive these patterns; you could understand our functions better. "ILIA" That is logical. You may procede. 272 ON DECKER 272 realizing the difficult task ahead; the pain he will suffer. 273 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE (M) 273 The ship stationary in the chamber as now we SEE an exterior hatch sliding fully open. Up through the hatch a circular airlock door opens -- and a tiny figure in a thruster spacesuit emerges, steps into space, slowly floats down through the hatch and under the Enterprise saucer section. In this and subsequent VIEWS we will SEE that on the rear pack of his thruster spacesuit is a FLASHING STROBE LIGHT which regularly EMITS the identifying SIGNAL of this particular suit. (By which Kirk will be able to see Spock's position even from several miles away.) 274 CLOSER ON THE SPACESUITED FIGURE (M) 274 MOVING TOWARD the CAMERA until the features behind the face mask are clearly identifiable: Spock, his face set in the same grim, determined expression, as he touches his spacesuit transmitter control. SPOCK Computer, commence recording. Captain Kirk -- this message will detail my attempt to contact the aliens... 275 INT. BRIDGE 275 Kirk ENTERING, crossing Uhura as she calls: UHURA Starfleet signals, sir, growing in strength... (listening intently) They -- have Intruder on their monitors -- it's decelerating -- powerfield cloud beginning to dissipate... SULU Confirm, Captain. Lunar beacons indicate Intruder on a course into Earth orbit... CHEKOV (interrupting) Sir! Airlock four has been opened; a thruster suit is reported missing! KIRK (reacts knowingly) Spock...! (to navigator) Get a fix on his position! 276 INT. V'GER - MED. ON SPOCK 276 His features now set into an almost trance-like expres- sion as he concentrates on the thought emanations. Then we SEE his head turn, he peers off -- then he moves his thruster controls. We SEE the small blue jets of his thrusters -- his spacesuit figure begins to move off in the direction he was concentrating upon. 277 ANOTHER ANGLE - SPOCK 277 His thrusters moving him across V'ger's vast chamber then dropping down into a deep "trough"-like area which stretches into the distance ahead of him. A cloud of CRYSTAL FORMS (Kirk's entrapment) become visible to one side but Spock passes them at some dis- tance and does not attract them. We can SEE more clearly now the point on the inner wall of the trough toward which Spock is heading. It is an unusual combination of GLOWING FORCEFIELDS which seem to mark this point of the vessel as of some importance. (Here, also, we will become aware of "sensor-bee" swarms, intermittently darting toward this same wall from all points of the chamber.) 278 INT. AIRLOCK AREA 278 SHOWING Kirk in a thruster spacesuit, helmet being readied by AIRLOCK TECHNICIANS. McCoy is also here, arguing with Kirk: KIRK (from the start) ... I don't want him stopped, Bones; I want him to lead me to whatever's out there...! McCOY And if that 'whatever' has taken over his mind....? KIRK Then he'll have still led me to it, won't he? And Kirk steps into the airlock door, hits a control -- it begins sliding closed behind him. 279 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE 279 UP THROUGH the circular airlock door as it slides open -- and Kirk's tiny spacesuited figure floats down clear of the saucer. 280 CLOSER ON KIRK 280 SEEING his face through the spacesuit faceplate as he scans the darkness. SULU'S VOICE Bridge, Captain. We make Spock as 26 Mark 345 degrees off ship's axis. During which, Kirk spots something. 281 KIRK'S POV 281 Spock's STROBE blinker at a mile or so distance, nearing

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ENERGY BOLT which instantly envelopes First Security Man in a PURPLE GLOW (of implosion). Second Security Man has almost lifted his phaser -- but now carefully, slowly is moving his hand away from his weapon. 210 CLOSER - THE SECURITY MEN (O) 210 PURPLE GLOW FADES, the First Security Man has simply vanished. 210A FULL SHOT - BRIDGE 210A Chekov, like the others, horrified, flips a switch and the COMPUTER-VOICE ("Intruder Alert") goes OFF. At the same time Chekov speaks into his intercom: CHEKOV Security... do not send further teams! The Probe is sending out snake-like tendrils to the various consoles on the bridge. These tendrils lash out in a cobra-strike movement, the tendril-head seeming to enter into the console affected -- at which time all monitors and instrument lights there come ON as if the Probe is "reading" each console function. The crew carefully stays clear of the tendrils. Spock has risen, moving to Kirk's side as he slowly brings his tricorder up, very carefully extracting its tiny sensor and aiming it at the probe. CHEKOV (shaken) No intruder readings on other decks, Captain... (to Spock) Can that be one of their crew? SPOCK (quiet) A probe from their vessel... (to Kirk) A plasma-energy combination... Meanwhile, the probe is now hovering near Chekov who sits frozen, fists clenched, jaw tight. DECKER Don't interfere with it...! CHEKOV Absolutely, I will not interfere! 210B ANGLE INCLUDING SPOCK'S CONSOLE (O) 210B as the "probe" withdraws an energy-tendril from one bridge station and "inserts" it into another console. KIRK No one interfere...! It doesn't seem interested in us -- only the ship...! Kirk's words are never completed as suddenly all the energy tendrils withdraw from all consoles and a larger, more powerful-looking tendril lashes out, snaking into the science console complex. 210C CLOSER ON SCIENCE CONSOLE 210C Where, also immediately, all the console and computer lights are suddenly flashing wildly, rapidly -- -- There is an incredibly fast EXCHANGE OF HIGH-PITCHED BEES -- the computer obviously in unauthorized commu- nication with the probe! KIRK Computer off! DECKER It's taken control of the computer...! KIRK It's running our records! Starfleet strength, Earth defenses... As Decker moves to the main power control, Spock now steps in, his Vulcan strength easily brushing Kirk and Decker aside. Spock clasps his fists above his head, brings it down in a SHATTERING BLOW on the console. It splits open! As the bridge lights dim even more, and as the science console shorts itself out -- and off, Decker confronts Spock: DECKER We could have cut it off at the main computer... SPOCK This served the purpose. Kirk has been giving Spock a puzzled look -- Spock now turns abruptly, and: 210D ANOTHER ANGLE (O) 210D as Spock, in stepping back, accidentally brushes the probe's energy tendril -- a FLASH OF LIGHT at the contact point sends Spock sinning under the rail and to the floor near Ilia. The probe's energy-tendril has withdrawn from the darkened science console, hov- ers high over the dazed Spock as if angrily seeking the reason for the break in its computer contact. Spock starts to rise. ILIA Mr. Spock, don't move...! Decker steps toward her, AD LIBBING a grim "Ilia...!" But he has no chance as: 211 OMITTED 211 - - 219 219 220 CLOSER ON ILIA (O) 220 The Probe hovers over her, its whole mass seemingly about to envelope her with a single tendril extended toward her, somehow freezing her into immobility - and then the entire Probe DISSOLVES IN A BLINDING FLASH OF WHITE, obscuring Ilia. Almost instantly the WHITE FLASH FADES -- but Ilia has vanished -- her tricorder clattering to the deck. 221 OMITTED 221 222 ACROSS THE NAVIGATOR'S STATION TO KIRK AND DECKER 222 helpless, shocked, gazing at the place Ilia was -- but which is now empty. DECKER (to Kirk, quiet fury) This is how I define unwarranted! And almost at the same moment a new BRIDGE ALARM SIGNAL. 223 OMITTED 223 - - 232 232 233 The ALARM still sounding as from the giant alien ves- 233 sel, we SEE STRANGE, OPAQUE ENERGY PATTERNS STREAKING TOWARD US. Kirk vaults to the command chair, lunges for controls, as Decker races to the weapons-defense console. DECKER (voice amplified) The ship is under attack...! Man all defensive stations...! KIRK Forcefields, full remaining strength...! Total reserve! Appropriate ALARM KLAXONS, and COMPUTER VOICES begin SOUNDING, and all this is lost in a SUDDEN SHRILLING SOUND (a constant, high-pitched tone). For a moment the energy patterns are prominent on the viewer -- and then the PATTERNS VANISHED and the SHRILL SOUND FADES -- and: 234 FAVOR THE VIEWER (O) 234 showing V'ger GROWING RAPIDLY IN SIZE. The Enterprise is being pulled along the length of the big ship, toward its "prow." SPOCK Captain, we have been seized by a tractor beam...! KIRK (to Decker) Get someone up here to take the Navigator's station...! (into intercom) Engineering... full emergency power! DECKER (into intercom) Chief Difalco to the bridge; on the double! 234A ENGINEERING 234A in a state of controlled chaos, all personnel at their stations, the Engine CORE GLOWING. Scott is working his controls, speaking into the intercom: SCOTT Going to full emergency... (studying readings) But Captain, if we don't break free in fifteen seconds, she'll burn up... 234B INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING SPOCK 234B as Spock studies his readings, and: SPOCK We cannot break free, Captain. (indicates monitors) We do not have a fraction of the power necessary. KIRK (into intercom) Delay that order, Scotty...! Disengage all main drive systems! Spock peers in deep concentration at the Main Viewer, trying to sense some clue. Kirk glances at him another moment, then turns to the Main Viewer himself, watches in frustrated helplessness. 235 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE BEING PULLED TOWARD V'GER (S) 235 the starship being pulled toward the giant as though on a taut cable. As we MOVE CLOSER, we SEE still more intricate details of the incredible Alien design. 236 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 236 as Difalco arrives on the run, and Decker AD LIBS to her, "Assume Navigator's station, Chief...!" Difalco, bewildered, wants to ask what happened, but no time, and she quickly sits at the post, begins orienting herself. Meanwhile, Decker has begun an Executive Officer's bridge circuit, assisting with various con- soles. Kirk is glancing toward Spock who continues concentrating on the Viewer, striving to comprehend the myriad of thoughts he is sensing from he Aliens. McCoy also arrives on the bridge, takes in the chaotic scene, watches the Viewer grimly. 237 OMITTED 237 - - 238 238 239 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER (S) 239 At the forward end of the giant, an odd-shapped "iris" begins opening menacingly. And it is frighteningly obvious that the tractor beam is pulling the Enterprise to the opening. 240 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 240 showing the unusual "iris" now almost fully open as Enterprise is drawn closer, closer -- through the "iris" we now SEE (some of) V'ger's interior: a dark void relieved only by strange flickering glows of dis- tant ENERGY FIELD PATTERNS. The crew reacts with understandable awe, apprehension, curiosity, as: DECKER Captain, suggest a maximum phaser strike directly at the beam might weaken it just enough for us to break free -- Spock replies for Kirk: quickly, as though to make his point convincingly: SPOCK Break free to where, Commander...? (to Kirk) Any show of resistance would not only be futile, Catain... 240XA ACROSS SPOCK TO KIRK (DECKER AND McCOY IN B.G.) 240XA as Kirk reacts somewhat curiously to Spock's remark, but it is Decker who articulates it: DECKER (troubled; suspicious) We don't know that, Mr. Spock. Why are you opposed to trying? Before Spock can reply: UHURA They're pulling us inside...! All face the Viewer again, react, with McCoy who has been observing all these reactions now galvanized into action: McCOY (to Chekov) Medical observers to all decks! And he hurries toward the elevators, CAMERA WITH HIM a moment, then SWINGING BACK TO: 240A PAST KIRK TO VIEWER (O) 240A Kirk staring at the viewer -- the "iris" now fully open so that the exterior of V'ger is no longer visible -- and all we can SEE is the monstrous void dead ahead, which is looming faster and larger before our eyes. And now we are inside. 241 OMITTED 241 - - 243 243 244 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER - AT THE "IRIS" (S) 244 Enterprise now being pulled past the opening -- into the ship proper. Now we can SEE that the dark void is actually a vast chamber, dimly and intermittently lit by POWERFIELDS appearing and vanishing along the vessel's inner walls, which are miles away in the distance. And here and there in the chamber gigantic ENERGY DISPLAYS erupt briefly with a certain symmetry that suggests they must be part of V'ger's ower or control systems. 245 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 245 Kirk peering awed at the Viewer, the incredible sight of the chamber -- suddenly glances up to see that Spock is standing beside him -- Decker nearby, turns to Spock: DECKER (to Spock) Why bring us inside? Not to destroy us; they could have done that outside. KIRK They could have many ways of destroying things, Mr. Decker. SPOCK (peering at Viewer) Something about us puzzles them... perhaps even concerns them. 245A ANGLE ON UHURA 245A Reacting to a console reading: UHURA Captain, photic-sonar readings indicate the aperture is closing; we're trapped, sir...! 246 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE ENTERING V'GER (S) 246 The starship is pulled inside, the "iris" is closing behind it. 247 INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING THE VIEWER (O) 247 The viewer image changing from the huge dark chamber, rear angle shot, showing the "iris" closing. SULU Reverse angle on the viewer, Captain. On the viewer the final glimmer from exterior space as the "iris" closes completely. 248 REACTIONS 248 All eyes on the viewer, CAMERA FINDING ONE FACE AFTER ANOTHER, the reality of the situation etched into each face. Then: 248A FAVORING KIRK 248A As Spock turns from a reading: SPOCK The tractor beam has released us, Captain. DIFALCO Confirmed: Vessel is floating free. No forward momentum. KIRK Viewer ahead. SULU Viewer ahead, sir. 248B INSERT - MAIN VIEWER 248B Ahead, the cavernous interior of V'ger. 248C BACK TO SHOT 248C Kirk eying the main viewer -- Decker watching Kirk. KIRK Maneuvering thrusters, Mr. Sulu; ahead one third. (to Spock) Full sensor scan, Mr. Spock; they can't expect us not to look them over now! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters ahead, one third. SPOCK (manipulating controls) Commencing sensor scans. Kirk rises, goes to Spock's station. 249 INT. V'GER ENTRANCE CHAMBER - ENTERPRISE (S) 249 The Enterprise moving slowly forward in this vastness, its running lights merely specks of light, candles in the darkness. In the distance those occasional ERUPT- ING POWER DISPLAYS in distant locations, sizes, shapes and patterns. 250 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING MAIN VIEWER (O) 250 showing another persective of the above, and further away GLOWING ENERGY FIELDS dimly illuminating the alien ship's walls -- miles away. Strange semi--solid LIGHT SHAPES (some are "sensor-bee" swarms) traverse the dark- ness in random directions. But in the distance ahead, there seems to be an opening to another chamber. SULU (of Viewer) Something ahead, sir; looks like another area... (reacts) It's closing up...! Sulu is indicating what appears to be a lace-bulwark of POWERFIELD PATTERNS closing off the "chamber" in the distance ahead. Kirk, from the Science Station calls out: KIRK Hold station...! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters at station keeping... 251 ANGLE EMPHASIZING SPOCK 251 at his Science consoles, working rapidly, shifting from one set of controls to another. Now he hits a master control -- his console monitors FLASH, then go dark. SPOCK Captain... Spock brings a monitor IMAGE ON again, indicates a (Povill) pattern showing a line hitting something, then reversing direction. SPOCK (continuing) All scans are being reflected back, Captain. Our sensors are useless. 251A ACROSS THEM TO THE MAIN VIEWER 251A Kirk reacts with disappointment, indicates the main viewer. KIRK Have you been able to analyze any of this...? SPOCK (voice increasingly reverential) I believe the light flares to be energy fields -- undoubtedly part of the vessel's inner mechanism. A technology so incredibly sophisticated that I cannot -- COMPUTER VOICE (overlapping) Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert..! (continues) 252 OMITTED 252 - - 253 253 254 ANGLE ON CHEKOV 254 Reacting to a console reading: CHEKOV Deck four, Captain; Officers' Quarters...! KIRK (to Chekov) Have a security team meet me at Deck Four main elevator! A moment's reaction from all at this, Kirk hurrying toward elevator, calling: KIRK (continuing) Take the conn, Mr. Decker: Hold present position... (gesturing Spock to join him) Spock... And Spock rises, joins Kirk and they hurriedly exit, the CAMERA SWINGING BACK to Decker, his perplexed con- cern (because of Ilia). 254A INT. ILIA'S CABIN - THE SONIC SHOWER 254A Where we SEE, behind the translucent stall door, what is unmistakably the form of the NUDE FEMALE. 255 INT. ILIA'S CABIN - KIRK 255 entering, Spock slightly behind him - and one Security Guard. Kirk glances around the room, now glances at the shower area and reacts as he sees the NAKED FORM. The others react similarly, even Spock cannot help re- pressing an expression of surprise. A moment's uncer- tainty as Kirk peers at them, then he steps to the stall door, hesitates another instant -- then slides the door open. (NOTE: Arrange lighting for bizarre, mysterious effect.) Kirk's eyes cannot believe what he is seeing: 255A "ILIA" 255A standing in the sonic mist, naked but for a small multi-colored button embedded in her throat. As she looks at Kirk -- and the others -- the men peer back at her, speechless. "ILIA" I have been programmed by V'ger to observe and record normal functioning of the carbon-based units infesting USS ENTERPRISE. Kirk peers at her another nonplussed moment, then leans into the shower to touch a control, his eyes fixed on the lovely body behind the mist. He punches in a three digit code. Immediately a HUMMING SOUND emanates from the shower stall, Kirk closing the door, but 'Ilia" remaining inside. 256 ACROSS KIRK AND THE OTHERS TO THE SHOWER STALL 256 The HUMMING SOUND just now reaching a gentle crescendo -- through the translucent door you can see COLORS ENVELOPING "ILIA'S" FORM. And now the SOUND STOPS. "Ilia", attired in a leisure robe, steps from the stall, into the room. She stands facing Kirk, her face impas- sive, eyes unblinking. He looks her back a moment, then glances at Spock, who is gazing at "Ilia" in abso- lute fascination. Kirk addresses her: KIRK Who is...'V'ger'...? "ILIA" V'ger is that which programmed me. KIRK Is V'ger the Captain of the alien vessel? 256A ANGLE ON THE DOOR - McCOY 256A rushing in, concerned: McCOY Jim, what's -- At the sight of 'Ilia", McCoy's words die in his throat -- and his trained eyes have instantly told him some- thing is awry. He unslings his tricorder, aims the sensor unit at "Ilia". As he reads his instruments, his face reveals the results (incredulity, fascination). Meanwhile, from the start: "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. McCOY (of "Ilia") Jim, this is a mechanism...! Kirk stares at McCoy, then at "Ilia" and realizes that "Ilia" is indeed non-human. And quickly: KIRK Where is Lt. Ilia? "ILIA" That unit no longer functions. I have been given its form to more readily communicate with the carbon-based units infesting Enterprise. SECURITY GUARD "Carbon-based units"...? McCOY (drily) Humans, Ensign Lang: us. (continues tricorder exam, increasingly impressed) KIRK (to "Ilia") Why does V'ger travel to the third planet of the solar system directly ahead? "ILIA" V'ger travels to the third planet to find the Creator. Stunned, disbelieving reactions as all four attempt to digest this -- Spock gazing at "Ilia" with even more rapt fascination. Kirk, bewildered, addresses the others: KIRK Find the Creator? What Creator? Whose...!? (to "Ilia") What does V'ger want of the 'Creator'... ? "ILIA" To join with him. 256B FAVORING SPOCK 256B suddenly alert, addressing "Ilia": SPOCK Join with the Creator... ? How? "ILIA" V'ger and the Creator will become One. SPOCK Who is the Creator? McCOY (worried) Mr. Spock, be careful. "ILIA" The Creator is that which created V'ger. KIRK Who is V'ger? "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. Another moment of total exasperation, frustration, during which "Ilia" seems to be waiting politely, patiently for any further questions. When none are forthcoming: "ILIA" (continuing; pleasant, bland) I am ready to commence my observations. SPOCK (fast; to McCoy) Doctor, a thorough examination of this probe might provide some insight into those who manufactured it, and how to deal with them. McCOY Let's get her to sickbay. And he grasps "Ilia's" arm to escort her. But is as though he has seized cast iron: immovable. McCoy is thrown off balance merely by 'Ilia's" remaining sta- tionary. She ignores McCoy, addresses Kirk: "ILIA" I am programmed to observe and record normal functioning procedures of the carbon-based units. 256B Kirk glances at McCoy, who is totally bemused, but then 256B Kirk quickly responds to "Ilia": KIRK The examination is a normal function. "ILIA" (a beat) You may proceede. McCOY (carefully) Thank you. 257 CLOSE SHOT OF EXAMINING ROOM VIEWER (O) 257 scanning a "body". PULL BACK TO SHOW McCoy, Chapel, Kirk, Spock and Chekov -- standing over "ILIA" who lies prone on the table, the physicians moving the scanner over her. McCOY (from the start; indicating) ... micro-miniature hydraulics, sensors, molecule-sized multi- processor chips... and look at this... In the b.g., Decker enters, grimly observes the proceed- ings. CHAPEL (impressed) An osmotic micro-pump... here and here. Even the smallest body functions are exactly duplicated. (traces with finger on screen) And every exocrine system is here, too -- Chapel breaks off abruptly, noticing "Ilia" is peering intently -- almost with a glimmer of recognition -- at Decker. Slightly disconcerted, Chapel continues: CHAPEL (continuing) -- even eye moisture. "ILIA" (peering at Decker) Deck -- er. 257A FAVORING SPOCK 257A as everyone reacts to "Ilia's" utterance of Decker's name. It seems to make the deepest impression on Spock, confirming something he has suspected. SPOCK (to "Ilia") Interesting. Not 'Decker-unit'? "Ilia" continues peering at Decker with just a hint of a puzzled frown, a glimmer of distant recognition. It's the first time we've seen her expression look anything but cool and bland. This results in the quizzical rising of one of Spock's eyebrows. 258 ANOTHER ANGLE 258 McCoy's examination now turns "Ilia" away from the others. Spock quickly catches Kirk's and Decker's attention, indicates an adjoining door -- they fol- low him out of the room. 259 INT. McCOY'S OFFICE 259 as Kirk, Spock and Decker enter, the door snapping shut -- and Spock touching the electronic lock to secure them. He faces the others: SPOCK Captain... this probe may be a key a key to the Aliens. DECKER It's a programmed mechanism, Mr. Spock... SPOCK We have just seen that its body duplicates our navigator in precise detail. Suppose that beneath its programming, the real Ilia's memory patterns are duplicated with equal precision. KIRK They had a pattern to follow... SPOCK (nods) ... they may have followed it too precisely. KIRK (comprehending) Ilia's memory, her feelings of loyalty, friendship, obedience... might all be there. 259A ANGLE ON DECKER 259A also comprehending, and not liking it one bit as Spock and Kirk are both turning their attention to him. SPOCK Exactly. (to Decker) And you did have a 'relationship' with Lieutenant Ilia, Commander. DECKER That probe in there -- in a different form now -- is the same thing that killed Ilia! KIRK Commander, we're locked in an alien vessel, six hours from Earth orbit, our only contact with our captors is the probe. If we can control it, persuade it, use it in some way... Interrupted by the SOUND of someone trying to open the locked door behind them. Then a METAL RIPPING SOUND as they whirl to see: 260 MEDICAL OFFICE DOOR 260 with the METAL BUCKLING, TEARING -- and a single hand slicing the steel door like paper. It is the "Ilia" probe, her face absolutely impassive, her whole manner incongruously benign. (Behind her, a startled McCoy, Chapel and Chekov.) "Ilia" speaks flatly, blandly. "ILIA" I have recorded enough here. (motions to Kirk) You will now assist me further. Kirk exchanges a quick glance with Spock. Then: KIRK (indicating Decker) The Decker-unit can assist you with much greater efficiency... "Ilia" has seemed about to object -- but now her eyes hold on Decker. Then she nods. KIRK (continuing) Carry on with your assignment, Mr. Decker. 260A ANOTHER ANGLE - ACROSS DECKER TO THE SMASHED DOOR 260A (AND "ILIA") as Decker looks at "Ilia" who stands at the torn door. You can read Decker's mind: I'm supposed to persuade that?! He turns back, finds Kirk's eyes on him. Decker nods. DECKER Aye, sir. "Ilia" and a reluctant Decker EXIT. 260B EMPHASIZING SPOCK 260B looking very troubled as they watch Decker and "Ilia" leave. Kirk notices. KIRK Spock? Concerned about his chances? SPOCK I am uneasy with that being our only hope of more information. Spock EXITS. 261 INT. V'GER - THE ENTERPRISE 261 floating in the vast, eerie, alien chamber -- sporadic FLASHES OF ENERGY, erupting now and then. Various other EFFECTS. OVER this, Kirk's VOICE: KIRK (V.O.) Captain's Log. Stardate 7414.1. Our best estimates place us some four hours from Earth. No significant Ilia memory patterns within the alien probe. This remains our only means of contact with our captor. 262 INT. ENTERPRISE AIRLOCK AREA 262 The area dimly lit -- unoccupied but for a lone AIRLOCK TECHNICIAN checking and adjusting instruments. The CAMERA MOVES PAST him to FIND: 263 SPOCK 263 His face fixed with grim determination, walking quietly with obvious intent not to attract the Tech's attention. Now he steals up behind the TECH -- and in an instant has applied a Vulcan nerve pinch. The Tech slumps over his console. 264 INT KIRK'S CABIN - VIEWER MONITOR 264 Showing a CLOSE SHOT of ENTERPRISE PICTURES, then PULL BACK SLIGHTLY for an IMAGE of Decker and "Ilia" walk- ing through the Rec Deck. PULL BACK FURTHER TO SHOW Kirk watching this -- and with him is McCoy. They continue watching a troubled beat, as: DECKER (of pictures) All these vessels were called "Enterprise". "Ilia" is giving the pictures a very interested look as we HEAR in Kirk's cabin: UHURA'S INTERCOM VOICE (controlled excitement) Bridge to Captain... 265 OMITTED 265 266 INT. BRIDGE - UHURA'S STATION (SCIENCE STATION IN 266 B.G.) Uhura at her console, struggling to hear the signal. KIRK'S INTERCOM VOICE Kirk here. In the b.g., Spock's station a MAINTENANCE TEAM is replacing the broken Science Station computer. (Spock is conspicuously absent.) UHURA A faint signal from Starfleet, sir. They have the intruder on their monitors... (struggling to hear) They show us... three hours... twenty-four minutes from Earth! KIRK'S VOICE (thru intercom) Thank you. 267 INT. RECREATION DECK 267 Decker and "Ilia", the Rec Deck unoccupied but for a pair of wary SECURITY GUARDS at a very discreet dis- tance. They are near the pictures of the five Enter- prises, which should be FEATURED in this SHOT, as Decker waves his hand about the huge room. DECKER The carbon units use this area for recreation... (carefully) What type of recreation does the crew aboard your vessel enjoy...? 268 CLOSER TWO SHOT (PICTURES O.S.) 268 As "Ilia" moves on into the room, Decker follows: "ILIA" The words 'recreation' and 'enjoy' have no meaning to my programming. Decker peers at the lovely android with frustration -- and no little pain, for she is after all the exact replica of Ilia. She pays not the slightest attention to Decker's reaction, and begins walking about the Rec Deck taking in (and, clearly, transmitting all images to V'ger) the sights. They are near a game area (elec- tronic games), and now Decker points to one game, switches it on -- presses button to activate its LIGHTS and SOUNDS. "Ilia" watches interestedly as Decker operates the game. DECKER Ilia 'enjoyed' this game... she nearly always won -- And he demonstrates again, as "Ilia" steps to the device, deftly hits some buttons -- and for just an instant she turns to Decker with a momentary glimmer of recognition. 269 INT. KIRK'S CABIN - GROUP WATCHING THE MONITOR 269 McCoy watching with special interest: McCOY (approving) Good! He's using audial-visual association. But the words are not out of McCoy's mouth when "Ilia" says: "ILIA" This device serves no purpose. She steps away from the game; Decker's disappointment is evident. So is everyone elses. KIRK Damn...! McCOY (nods grimly) She needs something else: something much more personal to stimulate memory patterns. Something with a more emotional tie. Kirk reacts to this, reflective. 270 INT. REC DECK FULL ON DECKER AND "ILIA" 270 Decker waving back toward the general area of the Enterprise pictures. DECKER The crews of the previous Enterprises were also carbon units. In what way is the life form in your vessel different? "ILIA" Carbon units are not true life forms... Do those images repre- sent how Enterprise has evolved into its present form? DECKER (hoping he's struck a responsive chord) Yes. "ILIA" Carbon units have clearly retarded Enterprise's proper evolvement. DECKER (controlling surprise) What is Enterprise's proper evolvement? "ILIA" Enterprise should not require the presence of carbon units. And with this she moves off, observing other Rec Deck objects. Decker moves with her; then: DECKER (carefully) Enterprise would be unable to function without carbon units. "ILIA" More data concerning this functioning is necessary before carbon units can be patterned for data storage. 271 ACROSS "ILIA" TO DECKER 271 as he reacts to this ominous note; he stops abruptly. DECKER What does that mean? "ILIA" (stopping; almost pleasantly) When my examination is complete, the carbon units will be reduced to data patterns. This has been delivered with chilling blandness, and she stands facing Decker, almost as though waiting for him to thank her. He thinks fast now. DECKER Within you are memory patterns of a carbon unit. If I can help you revive these patterns; you could understand our functions better. "ILIA" That is logical. You may procede. 272 ON DECKER 272 realizing the difficult task ahead; the pain he will suffer. 273 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE (M) 273 The ship stationary in the chamber as now we SEE an exterior hatch sliding fully open. Up through the hatch a circular airlock door opens -- and a tiny figure in a thruster spacesuit emerges, steps into space, slowly floats down through the hatch and under the Enterprise saucer section. In this and subsequent VIEWS we will SEE that on the rear pack of his thruster spacesuit is a FLASHING STROBE LIGHT which regularly EMITS the identifying SIGNAL of this particular suit. (By which Kirk will be able to see Spock's position even from several miles away.) 274 CLOSER ON THE SPACESUITED FIGURE (M) 274 MOVING TOWARD the CAMERA until the features behind the face mask are clearly identifiable: Spock, his face set in the same grim, determined expression, as he touches his spacesuit transmitter control. SPOCK Computer, commence recording. Captain Kirk -- this message will detail my attempt to contact the aliens... 275 INT. BRIDGE 275 Kirk ENTERING, crossing Uhura as she calls: UHURA Starfleet signals, sir, growing in strength... (listening intently) They -- have Intruder on their monitors -- it's decelerating -- powerfield cloud beginning to dissipate... SULU Confirm, Captain. Lunar beacons indicate Intruder on a course into Earth orbit... CHEKOV (interrupting) Sir! Airlock four has been opened; a thruster suit is reported missing! KIRK (reacts knowingly) Spock...! (to navigator) Get a fix on his position! 276 INT. V'GER - MED. ON SPOCK 276 His features now set into an almost trance-like expres- sion as he concentrates on the thought emanations. Then we SEE his head turn, he peers off -- then he moves his thruster controls. We SEE the small blue jets of his thrusters -- his spacesuit figure begins to move off in the direction he was concentrating upon. 277 ANOTHER ANGLE - SPOCK 277 His thrusters moving him across V'ger's vast chamber then dropping down into a deep "trough"-like area which stretches into the distance ahead of him. A cloud of CRYSTAL FORMS (Kirk's entrapment) become visible to one side but Spock passes them at some dis- tance and does not attract them. We can SEE more clearly now the point on the inner wall of the trough toward which Spock is heading. It is an unusual combination of GLOWING FORCEFIELDS which seem to mark this point of the vessel as of some importance. (Here, also, we will become aware of "sensor-bee" swarms, intermittently darting toward this same wall from all points of the chamber.) 278 INT. AIRLOCK AREA 278 SHOWING Kirk in a thruster spacesuit, helmet being readied by AIRLOCK TECHNICIANS. McCoy is also here, arguing with Kirk: KIRK (from the start) ... I don't want him stopped, Bones; I want him to lead me to whatever's out there...! McCOY And if that 'whatever' has taken over his mind....? KIRK Then he'll have still led me to it, won't he? And Kirk steps into the airlock door, hits a control -- it begins sliding closed behind him. 279 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE 279 UP THROUGH the circular airlock door as it slides open -- and Kirk's tiny spacesuited figure floats down clear of the saucer. 280 CLOSER ON KIRK 280 SEEING his face through the spacesuit faceplate as he scans the darkness. SULU'S VOICE Bridge, Captain. We make Spock as 26 Mark 345 degrees off ship's axis. During which, Kirk spots something. 281 KIRK'S POV 281 Spock's STROBE blinker at a mile or so distance, nearing

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ENERGY BOLT which instantly envelopes First Security Man in a PURPLE GLOW (of implosion). Second Security Man has almost lifted his phaser -- but now carefully, slowly is moving his hand away from his weapon. 210 CLOSER - THE SECURITY MEN (O) 210 PURPLE GLOW FADES, the First Security Man has simply vanished. 210A FULL SHOT - BRIDGE 210A Chekov, like the others, horrified, flips a switch and the COMPUTER-VOICE ("Intruder Alert") goes OFF. At the same time Chekov speaks into his intercom: CHEKOV Security... do not send further teams! The Probe is sending out snake-like tendrils to the various consoles on the bridge. These tendrils lash out in a cobra-strike movement, the tendril-head seeming to enter into the console affected -- at which time all monitors and instrument lights there come ON as if the Probe is "reading" each console function. The crew carefully stays clear of the tendrils. Spock has risen, moving to Kirk's side as he slowly brings his tricorder up, very carefully extracting its tiny sensor and aiming it at the probe. CHEKOV (shaken) No intruder readings on other decks, Captain... (to Spock) Can that be one of their crew? SPOCK (quiet) A probe from their vessel... (to Kirk) A plasma-energy combination... Meanwhile, the probe is now hovering near Chekov who sits frozen, fists clenched, jaw tight. DECKER Don't interfere with it...! CHEKOV Absolutely, I will not interfere! 210B ANGLE INCLUDING SPOCK'S CONSOLE (O) 210B as the "probe" withdraws an energy-tendril from one bridge station and "inserts" it into another console. KIRK No one interfere...! It doesn't seem interested in us -- only the ship...! Kirk's words are never completed as suddenly all the energy tendrils withdraw from all consoles and a larger, more powerful-looking tendril lashes out, snaking into the science console complex. 210C CLOSER ON SCIENCE CONSOLE 210C Where, also immediately, all the console and computer lights are suddenly flashing wildly, rapidly -- -- There is an incredibly fast EXCHANGE OF HIGH-PITCHED BEES -- the computer obviously in unauthorized commu- nication with the probe! KIRK Computer off! DECKER It's taken control of the computer...! KIRK It's running our records! Starfleet strength, Earth defenses... As Decker moves to the main power control, Spock now steps in, his Vulcan strength easily brushing Kirk and Decker aside. Spock clasps his fists above his head, brings it down in a SHATTERING BLOW on the console. It splits open! As the bridge lights dim even more, and as the science console shorts itself out -- and off, Decker confronts Spock: DECKER We could have cut it off at the main computer... SPOCK This served the purpose. Kirk has been giving Spock a puzzled look -- Spock now turns abruptly, and: 210D ANOTHER ANGLE (O) 210D as Spock, in stepping back, accidentally brushes the probe's energy tendril -- a FLASH OF LIGHT at the contact point sends Spock sinning under the rail and to the floor near Ilia. The probe's energy-tendril has withdrawn from the darkened science console, hov- ers high over the dazed Spock as if angrily seeking the reason for the break in its computer contact. Spock starts to rise. ILIA Mr. Spock, don't move...! Decker steps toward her, AD LIBBING a grim "Ilia...!" But he has no chance as: 211 OMITTED 211 - - 219 219 220 CLOSER ON ILIA (O) 220 The Probe hovers over her, its whole mass seemingly about to envelope her with a single tendril extended toward her, somehow freezing her into immobility - and then the entire Probe DISSOLVES IN A BLINDING FLASH OF WHITE, obscuring Ilia. Almost instantly the WHITE FLASH FADES -- but Ilia has vanished -- her tricorder clattering to the deck. 221 OMITTED 221 222 ACROSS THE NAVIGATOR'S STATION TO KIRK AND DECKER 222 helpless, shocked, gazing at the place Ilia was -- but which is now empty. DECKER (to Kirk, quiet fury) This is how I define unwarranted! And almost at the same moment a new BRIDGE ALARM SIGNAL. 223 OMITTED 223 - - 232 232 233 The ALARM still sounding as from the giant alien ves- 233 sel, we SEE STRANGE, OPAQUE ENERGY PATTERNS STREAKING TOWARD US. Kirk vaults to the command chair, lunges for controls, as Decker races to the weapons-defense console. DECKER (voice amplified) The ship is under attack...! Man all defensive stations...! KIRK Forcefields, full remaining strength...! Total reserve! Appropriate ALARM KLAXONS, and COMPUTER VOICES begin SOUNDING, and all this is lost in a SUDDEN SHRILLING SOUND (a constant, high-pitched tone). For a moment the energy patterns are prominent on the viewer -- and then the PATTERNS VANISHED and the SHRILL SOUND FADES -- and: 234 FAVOR THE VIEWER (O) 234 showing V'ger GROWING RAPIDLY IN SIZE. The Enterprise is being pulled along the length of the big ship, toward its "prow." SPOCK Captain, we have been seized by a tractor beam...! KIRK (to Decker) Get someone up here to take the Navigator's station...! (into intercom) Engineering... full emergency power! DECKER (into intercom) Chief Difalco to the bridge; on the double! 234A ENGINEERING 234A in a state of controlled chaos, all personnel at their stations, the Engine CORE GLOWING. Scott is working his controls, speaking into the intercom: SCOTT Going to full emergency... (studying readings) But Captain, if we don't break free in fifteen seconds, she'll burn up... 234B INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING SPOCK 234B as Spock studies his readings, and: SPOCK We cannot break free, Captain. (indicates monitors) We do not have a fraction of the power necessary. KIRK (into intercom) Delay that order, Scotty...! Disengage all main drive systems! Spock peers in deep concentration at the Main Viewer, trying to sense some clue. Kirk glances at him another moment, then turns to the Main Viewer himself, watches in frustrated helplessness. 235 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE BEING PULLED TOWARD V'GER (S) 235 the starship being pulled toward the giant as though on a taut cable. As we MOVE CLOSER, we SEE still more intricate details of the incredible Alien design. 236 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 236 as Difalco arrives on the run, and Decker AD LIBS to her, "Assume Navigator's station, Chief...!" Difalco, bewildered, wants to ask what happened, but no time, and she quickly sits at the post, begins orienting herself. Meanwhile, Decker has begun an Executive Officer's bridge circuit, assisting with various con- soles. Kirk is glancing toward Spock who continues concentrating on the Viewer, striving to comprehend the myriad of thoughts he is sensing from he Aliens. McCoy also arrives on the bridge, takes in the chaotic scene, watches the Viewer grimly. 237 OMITTED 237 - - 238 238 239 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER (S) 239 At the forward end of the giant, an odd-shapped "iris" begins opening menacingly. And it is frighteningly obvious that the tractor beam is pulling the Enterprise to the opening. 240 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 240 showing the unusual "iris" now almost fully open as Enterprise is drawn closer, closer -- through the "iris" we now SEE (some of) V'ger's interior: a dark void relieved only by strange flickering glows of dis- tant ENERGY FIELD PATTERNS. The crew reacts with understandable awe, apprehension, curiosity, as: DECKER Captain, suggest a maximum phaser strike directly at the beam might weaken it just enough for us to break free -- Spock replies for Kirk: quickly, as though to make his point convincingly: SPOCK Break free to where, Commander...? (to Kirk) Any show of resistance would not only be futile, Catain... 240XA ACROSS SPOCK TO KIRK (DECKER AND McCOY IN B.G.) 240XA as Kirk reacts somewhat curiously to Spock's remark, but it is Decker who articulates it: DECKER (troubled; suspicious) We don't know that, Mr. Spock. Why are you opposed to trying? Before Spock can reply: UHURA They're pulling us inside...! All face the Viewer again, react, with McCoy who has been observing all these reactions now galvanized into action: McCOY (to Chekov) Medical observers to all decks! And he hurries toward the elevators, CAMERA WITH HIM a moment, then SWINGING BACK TO: 240A PAST KIRK TO VIEWER (O) 240A Kirk staring at the viewer -- the "iris" now fully open so that the exterior of V'ger is no longer visible -- and all we can SEE is the monstrous void dead ahead, which is looming faster and larger before our eyes. And now we are inside. 241 OMITTED 241 - - 243 243 244 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER - AT THE "IRIS" (S) 244 Enterprise now being pulled past the opening -- into the ship proper. Now we can SEE that the dark void is actually a vast chamber, dimly and intermittently lit by POWERFIELDS appearing and vanishing along the vessel's inner walls, which are miles away in the distance. And here and there in the chamber gigantic ENERGY DISPLAYS erupt briefly with a certain symmetry that suggests they must be part of V'ger's ower or control systems. 245 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 245 Kirk peering awed at the Viewer, the incredible sight of the chamber -- suddenly glances up to see that Spock is standing beside him -- Decker nearby, turns to Spock: DECKER (to Spock) Why bring us inside? Not to destroy us; they could have done that outside. KIRK They could have many ways of destroying things, Mr. Decker. SPOCK (peering at Viewer) Something about us puzzles them... perhaps even concerns them. 245A ANGLE ON UHURA 245A Reacting to a console reading: UHURA Captain, photic-sonar readings indicate the aperture is closing; we're trapped, sir...! 246 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE ENTERING V'GER (S) 246 The starship is pulled inside, the "iris" is closing behind it. 247 INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING THE VIEWER (O) 247 The viewer image changing from the huge dark chamber, rear angle shot, showing the "iris" closing. SULU Reverse angle on the viewer, Captain. On the viewer the final glimmer from exterior space as the "iris" closes completely. 248 REACTIONS 248 All eyes on the viewer, CAMERA FINDING ONE FACE AFTER ANOTHER, the reality of the situation etched into each face. Then: 248A FAVORING KIRK 248A As Spock turns from a reading: SPOCK The tractor beam has released us, Captain. DIFALCO Confirmed: Vessel is floating free. No forward momentum. KIRK Viewer ahead. SULU Viewer ahead, sir. 248B INSERT - MAIN VIEWER 248B Ahead, the cavernous interior of V'ger. 248C BACK TO SHOT 248C Kirk eying the main viewer -- Decker watching Kirk. KIRK Maneuvering thrusters, Mr. Sulu; ahead one third. (to Spock) Full sensor scan, Mr. Spock; they can't expect us not to look them over now! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters ahead, one third. SPOCK (manipulating controls) Commencing sensor scans. Kirk rises, goes to Spock's station. 249 INT. V'GER ENTRANCE CHAMBER - ENTERPRISE (S) 249 The Enterprise moving slowly forward in this vastness, its running lights merely specks of light, candles in the darkness. In the distance those occasional ERUPT- ING POWER DISPLAYS in distant locations, sizes, shapes and patterns. 250 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING MAIN VIEWER (O) 250 showing another persective of the above, and further away GLOWING ENERGY FIELDS dimly illuminating the alien ship's walls -- miles away. Strange semi--solid LIGHT SHAPES (some are "sensor-bee" swarms) traverse the dark- ness in random directions. But in the distance ahead, there seems to be an opening to another chamber. SULU (of Viewer) Something ahead, sir; looks like another area... (reacts) It's closing up...! Sulu is indicating what appears to be a lace-bulwark of POWERFIELD PATTERNS closing off the "chamber" in the distance ahead. Kirk, from the Science Station calls out: KIRK Hold station...! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters at station keeping... 251 ANGLE EMPHASIZING SPOCK 251 at his Science consoles, working rapidly, shifting from one set of controls to another. Now he hits a master control -- his console monitors FLASH, then go dark. SPOCK Captain... Spock brings a monitor IMAGE ON again, indicates a (Povill) pattern showing a line hitting something, then reversing direction. SPOCK (continuing) All scans are being reflected back, Captain. Our sensors are useless. 251A ACROSS THEM TO THE MAIN VIEWER 251A Kirk reacts with disappointment, indicates the main viewer. KIRK Have you been able to analyze any of this...? SPOCK (voice increasingly reverential) I believe the light flares to be energy fields -- undoubtedly part of the vessel's inner mechanism. A technology so incredibly sophisticated that I cannot -- COMPUTER VOICE (overlapping) Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert..! (continues) 252 OMITTED 252 - - 253 253 254 ANGLE ON CHEKOV 254 Reacting to a console reading: CHEKOV Deck four, Captain; Officers' Quarters...! KIRK (to Chekov) Have a security team meet me at Deck Four main elevator! A moment's reaction from all at this, Kirk hurrying toward elevator, calling: KIRK (continuing) Take the conn, Mr. Decker: Hold present position... (gesturing Spock to join him) Spock... And Spock rises, joins Kirk and they hurriedly exit, the CAMERA SWINGING BACK to Decker, his perplexed con- cern (because of Ilia). 254A INT. ILIA'S CABIN - THE SONIC SHOWER 254A Where we SEE, behind the translucent stall door, what is unmistakably the form of the NUDE FEMALE. 255 INT. ILIA'S CABIN - KIRK 255 entering, Spock slightly behind him - and one Security Guard. Kirk glances around the room, now glances at the shower area and reacts as he sees the NAKED FORM. The others react similarly, even Spock cannot help re- pressing an expression of surprise. A moment's uncer- tainty as Kirk peers at them, then he steps to the stall door, hesitates another instant -- then slides the door open. (NOTE: Arrange lighting for bizarre, mysterious effect.) Kirk's eyes cannot believe what he is seeing: 255A "ILIA" 255A standing in the sonic mist, naked but for a small multi-colored button embedded in her throat. As she looks at Kirk -- and the others -- the men peer back at her, speechless. "ILIA" I have been programmed by V'ger to observe and record normal functioning of the carbon-based units infesting USS ENTERPRISE. Kirk peers at her another nonplussed moment, then leans into the shower to touch a control, his eyes fixed on the lovely body behind the mist. He punches in a three digit code. Immediately a HUMMING SOUND emanates from the shower stall, Kirk closing the door, but 'Ilia" remaining inside. 256 ACROSS KIRK AND THE OTHERS TO THE SHOWER STALL 256 The HUMMING SOUND just now reaching a gentle crescendo -- through the translucent door you can see COLORS ENVELOPING "ILIA'S" FORM. And now the SOUND STOPS. "Ilia", attired in a leisure robe, steps from the stall, into the room. She stands facing Kirk, her face impas- sive, eyes unblinking. He looks her back a moment, then glances at Spock, who is gazing at "Ilia" in abso- lute fascination. Kirk addresses her: KIRK Who is...'V'ger'...? "ILIA" V'ger is that which programmed me. KIRK Is V'ger the Captain of the alien vessel? 256A ANGLE ON THE DOOR - McCOY 256A rushing in, concerned: McCOY Jim, what's -- At the sight of 'Ilia", McCoy's words die in his throat -- and his trained eyes have instantly told him some- thing is awry. He unslings his tricorder, aims the sensor unit at "Ilia". As he reads his instruments, his face reveals the results (incredulity, fascination). Meanwhile, from the start: "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. McCOY (of "Ilia") Jim, this is a mechanism...! Kirk stares at McCoy, then at "Ilia" and realizes that "Ilia" is indeed non-human. And quickly: KIRK Where is Lt. Ilia? "ILIA" That unit no longer functions. I have been given its form to more readily communicate with the carbon-based units infesting Enterprise. SECURITY GUARD "Carbon-based units"...? McCOY (drily) Humans, Ensign Lang: us. (continues tricorder exam, increasingly impressed) KIRK (to "Ilia") Why does V'ger travel to the third planet of the solar system directly ahead? "ILIA" V'ger travels to the third planet to find the Creator. Stunned, disbelieving reactions as all four attempt to digest this -- Spock gazing at "Ilia" with even more rapt fascination. Kirk, bewildered, addresses the others: KIRK Find the Creator? What Creator? Whose...!? (to "Ilia") What does V'ger want of the 'Creator'... ? "ILIA" To join with him. 256B FAVORING SPOCK 256B suddenly alert, addressing "Ilia": SPOCK Join with the Creator... ? How? "ILIA" V'ger and the Creator will become One. SPOCK Who is the Creator? McCOY (worried) Mr. Spock, be careful. "ILIA" The Creator is that which created V'ger. KIRK Who is V'ger? "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. Another moment of total exasperation, frustration, during which "Ilia" seems to be waiting politely, patiently for any further questions. When none are forthcoming: "ILIA" (continuing; pleasant, bland) I am ready to commence my observations. SPOCK (fast; to McCoy) Doctor, a thorough examination of this probe might provide some insight into those who manufactured it, and how to deal with them. McCOY Let's get her to sickbay. And he grasps "Ilia's" arm to escort her. But is as though he has seized cast iron: immovable. McCoy is thrown off balance merely by 'Ilia's" remaining sta- tionary. She ignores McCoy, addresses Kirk: "ILIA" I am programmed to observe and record normal functioning procedures of the carbon-based units. 256B Kirk glances at McCoy, who is totally bemused, but then 256B Kirk quickly responds to "Ilia": KIRK The examination is a normal function. "ILIA" (a beat) You may proceede. McCOY (carefully) Thank you. 257 CLOSE SHOT OF EXAMINING ROOM VIEWER (O) 257 scanning a "body". PULL BACK TO SHOW McCoy, Chapel, Kirk, Spock and Chekov -- standing over "ILIA" who lies prone on the table, the physicians moving the scanner over her. McCOY (from the start; indicating) ... micro-miniature hydraulics, sensors, molecule-sized multi- processor chips... and look at this... In the b.g., Decker enters, grimly observes the proceed- ings. CHAPEL (impressed) An osmotic micro-pump... here and here. Even the smallest body functions are exactly duplicated. (traces with finger on screen) And every exocrine system is here, too -- Chapel breaks off abruptly, noticing "Ilia" is peering intently -- almost with a glimmer of recognition -- at Decker. Slightly disconcerted, Chapel continues: CHAPEL (continuing) -- even eye moisture. "ILIA" (peering at Decker) Deck -- er. 257A FAVORING SPOCK 257A as everyone reacts to "Ilia's" utterance of Decker's name. It seems to make the deepest impression on Spock, confirming something he has suspected. SPOCK (to "Ilia") Interesting. Not 'Decker-unit'? "Ilia" continues peering at Decker with just a hint of a puzzled frown, a glimmer of distant recognition. It's the first time we've seen her expression look anything but cool and bland. This results in the quizzical rising of one of Spock's eyebrows. 258 ANOTHER ANGLE 258 McCoy's examination now turns "Ilia" away from the others. Spock quickly catches Kirk's and Decker's attention, indicates an adjoining door -- they fol- low him out of the room. 259 INT. McCOY'S OFFICE 259 as Kirk, Spock and Decker enter, the door snapping shut -- and Spock touching the electronic lock to secure them. He faces the others: SPOCK Captain... this probe may be a key a key to the Aliens. DECKER It's a programmed mechanism, Mr. Spock... SPOCK We have just seen that its body duplicates our navigator in precise detail. Suppose that beneath its programming, the real Ilia's memory patterns are duplicated with equal precision. KIRK They had a pattern to follow... SPOCK (nods) ... they may have followed it too precisely. KIRK (comprehending) Ilia's memory, her feelings of loyalty, friendship, obedience... might all be there. 259A ANGLE ON DECKER 259A also comprehending, and not liking it one bit as Spock and Kirk are both turning their attention to him. SPOCK Exactly. (to Decker) And you did have a 'relationship' with Lieutenant Ilia, Commander. DECKER That probe in there -- in a different form now -- is the same thing that killed Ilia! KIRK Commander, we're locked in an alien vessel, six hours from Earth orbit, our only contact with our captors is the probe. If we can control it, persuade it, use it in some way... Interrupted by the SOUND of someone trying to open the locked door behind them. Then a METAL RIPPING SOUND as they whirl to see: 260 MEDICAL OFFICE DOOR 260 with the METAL BUCKLING, TEARING -- and a single hand slicing the steel door like paper. It is the "Ilia" probe, her face absolutely impassive, her whole manner incongruously benign. (Behind her, a startled McCoy, Chapel and Chekov.) "Ilia" speaks flatly, blandly. "ILIA" I have recorded enough here. (motions to Kirk) You will now assist me further. Kirk exchanges a quick glance with Spock. Then: KIRK (indicating Decker) The Decker-unit can assist you with much greater efficiency... "Ilia" has seemed about to object -- but now her eyes hold on Decker. Then she nods. KIRK (continuing) Carry on with your assignment, Mr. Decker. 260A ANOTHER ANGLE - ACROSS DECKER TO THE SMASHED DOOR 260A (AND "ILIA") as Decker looks at "Ilia" who stands at the torn door. You can read Decker's mind: I'm supposed to persuade that?! He turns back, finds Kirk's eyes on him. Decker nods. DECKER Aye, sir. "Ilia" and a reluctant Decker EXIT. 260B EMPHASIZING SPOCK 260B looking very troubled as they watch Decker and "Ilia" leave. Kirk notices. KIRK Spock? Concerned about his chances? SPOCK I am uneasy with that being our only hope of more information. Spock EXITS. 261 INT. V'GER - THE ENTERPRISE 261 floating in the vast, eerie, alien chamber -- sporadic FLASHES OF ENERGY, erupting now and then. Various other EFFECTS. OVER this, Kirk's VOICE: KIRK (V.O.) Captain's Log. Stardate 7414.1. Our best estimates place us some four hours from Earth. No significant Ilia memory patterns within the alien probe. This remains our only means of contact with our captor. 262 INT. ENTERPRISE AIRLOCK AREA 262 The area dimly lit -- unoccupied but for a lone AIRLOCK TECHNICIAN checking and adjusting instruments. The CAMERA MOVES PAST him to FIND: 263 SPOCK 263 His face fixed with grim determination, walking quietly with obvious intent not to attract the Tech's attention. Now he steals up behind the TECH -- and in an instant has applied a Vulcan nerve pinch. The Tech slumps over his console. 264 INT KIRK'S CABIN - VIEWER MONITOR 264 Showing a CLOSE SHOT of ENTERPRISE PICTURES, then PULL BACK SLIGHTLY for an IMAGE of Decker and "Ilia" walk- ing through the Rec Deck. PULL BACK FURTHER TO SHOW Kirk watching this -- and with him is McCoy. They continue watching a troubled beat, as: DECKER (of pictures) All these vessels were called "Enterprise". "Ilia" is giving the pictures a very interested look as we HEAR in Kirk's cabin: UHURA'S INTERCOM VOICE (controlled excitement) Bridge to Captain... 265 OMITTED 265 266 INT. BRIDGE - UHURA'S STATION (SCIENCE STATION IN 266 B.G.) Uhura at her console, struggling to hear the signal. KIRK'S INTERCOM VOICE Kirk here. In the b.g., Spock's station a MAINTENANCE TEAM is replacing the broken Science Station computer. (Spock is conspicuously absent.) UHURA A faint signal from Starfleet, sir. They have the intruder on their monitors... (struggling to hear) They show us... three hours... twenty-four minutes from Earth! KIRK'S VOICE (thru intercom) Thank you. 267 INT. RECREATION DECK 267 Decker and "Ilia", the Rec Deck unoccupied but for a pair of wary SECURITY GUARDS at a very discreet dis- tance. They are near the pictures of the five Enter- prises, which should be FEATURED in this SHOT, as Decker waves his hand about the huge room. DECKER The carbon units use this area for recreation... (carefully) What type of recreation does the crew aboard your vessel enjoy...? 268 CLOSER TWO SHOT (PICTURES O.S.) 268 As "Ilia" moves on into the room, Decker follows: "ILIA" The words 'recreation' and 'enjoy' have no meaning to my programming. Decker peers at the lovely android with frustration -- and no little pain, for she is after all the exact replica of Ilia. She pays not the slightest attention to Decker's reaction, and begins walking about the Rec Deck taking in (and, clearly, transmitting all images to V'ger) the sights. They are near a game area (elec- tronic games), and now Decker points to one game, switches it on -- presses button to activate its LIGHTS and SOUNDS. "Ilia" watches interestedly as Decker operates the game. DECKER Ilia 'enjoyed' this game... she nearly always won -- And he demonstrates again, as "Ilia" steps to the device, deftly hits some buttons -- and for just an instant she turns to Decker with a momentary glimmer of recognition. 269 INT. KIRK'S CABIN - GROUP WATCHING THE MONITOR 269 McCoy watching with special interest: McCOY (approving) Good! He's using audial-visual association. But the words are not out of McCoy's mouth when "Ilia" says: "ILIA" This device serves no purpose. She steps away from the game; Decker's disappointment is evident. So is everyone elses. KIRK Damn...! McCOY (nods grimly) She needs something else: something much more personal to stimulate memory patterns. Something with a more emotional tie. Kirk reacts to this, reflective. 270 INT. REC DECK FULL ON DECKER AND "ILIA" 270 Decker waving back toward the general area of the Enterprise pictures. DECKER The crews of the previous Enterprises were also carbon units. In what way is the life form in your vessel different? "ILIA" Carbon units are not true life forms... Do those images repre- sent how Enterprise has evolved into its present form? DECKER (hoping he's struck a responsive chord) Yes. "ILIA" Carbon units have clearly retarded Enterprise's proper evolvement. DECKER (controlling surprise) What is Enterprise's proper evolvement? "ILIA" Enterprise should not require the presence of carbon units. And with this she moves off, observing other Rec Deck objects. Decker moves with her; then: DECKER (carefully) Enterprise would be unable to function without carbon units. "ILIA" More data concerning this functioning is necessary before carbon units can be patterned for data storage. 271 ACROSS "ILIA" TO DECKER 271 as he reacts to this ominous note; he stops abruptly. DECKER What does that mean? "ILIA" (stopping; almost pleasantly) When my examination is complete, the carbon units will be reduced to data patterns. This has been delivered with chilling blandness, and she stands facing Decker, almost as though waiting for him to thank her. He thinks fast now. DECKER Within you are memory patterns of a carbon unit. If I can help you revive these patterns; you could understand our functions better. "ILIA" That is logical. You may procede. 272 ON DECKER 272 realizing the difficult task ahead; the pain he will suffer. 273 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE (M) 273 The ship stationary in the chamber as now we SEE an exterior hatch sliding fully open. Up through the hatch a circular airlock door opens -- and a tiny figure in a thruster spacesuit emerges, steps into space, slowly floats down through the hatch and under the Enterprise saucer section. In this and subsequent VIEWS we will SEE that on the rear pack of his thruster spacesuit is a FLASHING STROBE LIGHT which regularly EMITS the identifying SIGNAL of this particular suit. (By which Kirk will be able to see Spock's position even from several miles away.) 274 CLOSER ON THE SPACESUITED FIGURE (M) 274 MOVING TOWARD the CAMERA until the features behind the face mask are clearly identifiable: Spock, his face set in the same grim, determined expression, as he touches his spacesuit transmitter control. SPOCK Computer, commence recording. Captain Kirk -- this message will detail my attempt to contact the aliens... 275 INT. BRIDGE 275 Kirk ENTERING, crossing Uhura as she calls: UHURA Starfleet signals, sir, growing in strength... (listening intently) They -- have Intruder on their monitors -- it's decelerating -- powerfield cloud beginning to dissipate... SULU Confirm, Captain. Lunar beacons indicate Intruder on a course into Earth orbit... CHEKOV (interrupting) Sir! Airlock four has been opened; a thruster suit is reported missing! KIRK (reacts knowingly) Spock...! (to navigator) Get a fix on his position! 276 INT. V'GER - MED. ON SPOCK 276 His features now set into an almost trance-like expres- sion as he concentrates on the thought emanations. Then we SEE his head turn, he peers off -- then he moves his thruster controls. We SEE the small blue jets of his thrusters -- his spacesuit figure begins to move off in the direction he was concentrating upon. 277 ANOTHER ANGLE - SPOCK 277 His thrusters moving him across V'ger's vast chamber then dropping down into a deep "trough"-like area which stretches into the distance ahead of him. A cloud of CRYSTAL FORMS (Kirk's entrapment) become visible to one side but Spock passes them at some dis- tance and does not attract them. We can SEE more clearly now the point on the inner wall of the trough toward which Spock is heading. It is an unusual combination of GLOWING FORCEFIELDS which seem to mark this point of the vessel as of some importance. (Here, also, we will become aware of "sensor-bee" swarms, intermittently darting toward this same wall from all points of the chamber.) 278 INT. AIRLOCK AREA 278 SHOWING Kirk in a thruster spacesuit, helmet being readied by AIRLOCK TECHNICIANS. McCoy is also here, arguing with Kirk: KIRK (from the start) ... I don't want him stopped, Bones; I want him to lead me to whatever's out there...! McCOY And if that 'whatever' has taken over his mind....? KIRK Then he'll have still led me to it, won't he? And Kirk steps into the airlock door, hits a control -- it begins sliding closed behind him. 279 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE 279 UP THROUGH the circular airlock door as it slides open -- and Kirk's tiny spacesuited figure floats down clear of the saucer. 280 CLOSER ON KIRK 280 SEEING his face through the spacesuit faceplate as he scans the darkness. SULU'S VOICE Bridge, Captain. We make Spock as 26 Mark 345 degrees off ship's axis. During which, Kirk spots something. 281 KIRK'S POV 281 Spock's STROBE blinker at a mile or so distance, nearing

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ENERGY BOLT which instantly envelopes First Security Man in a PURPLE GLOW (of implosion). Second Security Man has almost lifted his phaser -- but now carefully, slowly is moving his hand away from his weapon. 210 CLOSER - THE SECURITY MEN (O) 210 PURPLE GLOW FADES, the First Security Man has simply vanished. 210A FULL SHOT - BRIDGE 210A Chekov, like the others, horrified, flips a switch and the COMPUTER-VOICE ("Intruder Alert") goes OFF. At the same time Chekov speaks into his intercom: CHEKOV Security... do not send further teams! The Probe is sending out snake-like tendrils to the various consoles on the bridge. These tendrils lash out in a cobra-strike movement, the tendril-head seeming to enter into the console affected -- at which time all monitors and instrument lights there come ON as if the Probe is "reading" each console function. The crew carefully stays clear of the tendrils. Spock has risen, moving to Kirk's side as he slowly brings his tricorder up, very carefully extracting its tiny sensor and aiming it at the probe. CHEKOV (shaken) No intruder readings on other decks, Captain... (to Spock) Can that be one of their crew? SPOCK (quiet) A probe from their vessel... (to Kirk) A plasma-energy combination... Meanwhile, the probe is now hovering near Chekov who sits frozen, fists clenched, jaw tight. DECKER Don't interfere with it...! CHEKOV Absolutely, I will not interfere! 210B ANGLE INCLUDING SPOCK'S CONSOLE (O) 210B as the "probe" withdraws an energy-tendril from one bridge station and "inserts" it into another console. KIRK No one interfere...! It doesn't seem interested in us -- only the ship...! Kirk's words are never completed as suddenly all the energy tendrils withdraw from all consoles and a larger, more powerful-looking tendril lashes out, snaking into the science console complex. 210C CLOSER ON SCIENCE CONSOLE 210C Where, also immediately, all the console and computer lights are suddenly flashing wildly, rapidly -- -- There is an incredibly fast EXCHANGE OF HIGH-PITCHED BEES -- the computer obviously in unauthorized commu- nication with the probe! KIRK Computer off! DECKER It's taken control of the computer...! KIRK It's running our records! Starfleet strength, Earth defenses... As Decker moves to the main power control, Spock now steps in, his Vulcan strength easily brushing Kirk and Decker aside. Spock clasps his fists above his head, brings it down in a SHATTERING BLOW on the console. It splits open! As the bridge lights dim even more, and as the science console shorts itself out -- and off, Decker confronts Spock: DECKER We could have cut it off at the main computer... SPOCK This served the purpose. Kirk has been giving Spock a puzzled look -- Spock now turns abruptly, and: 210D ANOTHER ANGLE (O) 210D as Spock, in stepping back, accidentally brushes the probe's energy tendril -- a FLASH OF LIGHT at the contact point sends Spock sinning under the rail and to the floor near Ilia. The probe's energy-tendril has withdrawn from the darkened science console, hov- ers high over the dazed Spock as if angrily seeking the reason for the break in its computer contact. Spock starts to rise. ILIA Mr. Spock, don't move...! Decker steps toward her, AD LIBBING a grim "Ilia...!" But he has no chance as: 211 OMITTED 211 - - 219 219 220 CLOSER ON ILIA (O) 220 The Probe hovers over her, its whole mass seemingly about to envelope her with a single tendril extended toward her, somehow freezing her into immobility - and then the entire Probe DISSOLVES IN A BLINDING FLASH OF WHITE, obscuring Ilia. Almost instantly the WHITE FLASH FADES -- but Ilia has vanished -- her tricorder clattering to the deck. 221 OMITTED 221 222 ACROSS THE NAVIGATOR'S STATION TO KIRK AND DECKER 222 helpless, shocked, gazing at the place Ilia was -- but which is now empty. DECKER (to Kirk, quiet fury) This is how I define unwarranted! And almost at the same moment a new BRIDGE ALARM SIGNAL. 223 OMITTED 223 - - 232 232 233 The ALARM still sounding as from the giant alien ves- 233 sel, we SEE STRANGE, OPAQUE ENERGY PATTERNS STREAKING TOWARD US. Kirk vaults to the command chair, lunges for controls, as Decker races to the weapons-defense console. DECKER (voice amplified) The ship is under attack...! Man all defensive stations...! KIRK Forcefields, full remaining strength...! Total reserve! Appropriate ALARM KLAXONS, and COMPUTER VOICES begin SOUNDING, and all this is lost in a SUDDEN SHRILLING SOUND (a constant, high-pitched tone). For a moment the energy patterns are prominent on the viewer -- and then the PATTERNS VANISHED and the SHRILL SOUND FADES -- and: 234 FAVOR THE VIEWER (O) 234 showing V'ger GROWING RAPIDLY IN SIZE. The Enterprise is being pulled along the length of the big ship, toward its "prow." SPOCK Captain, we have been seized by a tractor beam...! KIRK (to Decker) Get someone up here to take the Navigator's station...! (into intercom) Engineering... full emergency power! DECKER (into intercom) Chief Difalco to the bridge; on the double! 234A ENGINEERING 234A in a state of controlled chaos, all personnel at their stations, the Engine CORE GLOWING. Scott is working his controls, speaking into the intercom: SCOTT Going to full emergency... (studying readings) But Captain, if we don't break free in fifteen seconds, she'll burn up... 234B INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING SPOCK 234B as Spock studies his readings, and: SPOCK We cannot break free, Captain. (indicates monitors) We do not have a fraction of the power necessary. KIRK (into intercom) Delay that order, Scotty...! Disengage all main drive systems! Spock peers in deep concentration at the Main Viewer, trying to sense some clue. Kirk glances at him another moment, then turns to the Main Viewer himself, watches in frustrated helplessness. 235 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE BEING PULLED TOWARD V'GER (S) 235 the starship being pulled toward the giant as though on a taut cable. As we MOVE CLOSER, we SEE still more intricate details of the incredible Alien design. 236 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 236 as Difalco arrives on the run, and Decker AD LIBS to her, "Assume Navigator's station, Chief...!" Difalco, bewildered, wants to ask what happened, but no time, and she quickly sits at the post, begins orienting herself. Meanwhile, Decker has begun an Executive Officer's bridge circuit, assisting with various con- soles. Kirk is glancing toward Spock who continues concentrating on the Viewer, striving to comprehend the myriad of thoughts he is sensing from he Aliens. McCoy also arrives on the bridge, takes in the chaotic scene, watches the Viewer grimly. 237 OMITTED 237 - - 238 238 239 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER (S) 239 At the forward end of the giant, an odd-shapped "iris" begins opening menacingly. And it is frighteningly obvious that the tractor beam is pulling the Enterprise to the opening. 240 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 240 showing the unusual "iris" now almost fully open as Enterprise is drawn closer, closer -- through the "iris" we now SEE (some of) V'ger's interior: a dark void relieved only by strange flickering glows of dis- tant ENERGY FIELD PATTERNS. The crew reacts with understandable awe, apprehension, curiosity, as: DECKER Captain, suggest a maximum phaser strike directly at the beam might weaken it just enough for us to break free -- Spock replies for Kirk: quickly, as though to make his point convincingly: SPOCK Break free to where, Commander...? (to Kirk) Any show of resistance would not only be futile, Catain... 240XA ACROSS SPOCK TO KIRK (DECKER AND McCOY IN B.G.) 240XA as Kirk reacts somewhat curiously to Spock's remark, but it is Decker who articulates it: DECKER (troubled; suspicious) We don't know that, Mr. Spock. Why are you opposed to trying? Before Spock can reply: UHURA They're pulling us inside...! All face the Viewer again, react, with McCoy who has been observing all these reactions now galvanized into action: McCOY (to Chekov) Medical observers to all decks! And he hurries toward the elevators, CAMERA WITH HIM a moment, then SWINGING BACK TO: 240A PAST KIRK TO VIEWER (O) 240A Kirk staring at the viewer -- the "iris" now fully open so that the exterior of V'ger is no longer visible -- and all we can SEE is the monstrous void dead ahead, which is looming faster and larger before our eyes. And now we are inside. 241 OMITTED 241 - - 243 243 244 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER - AT THE "IRIS" (S) 244 Enterprise now being pulled past the opening -- into the ship proper. Now we can SEE that the dark void is actually a vast chamber, dimly and intermittently lit by POWERFIELDS appearing and vanishing along the vessel's inner walls, which are miles away in the distance. And here and there in the chamber gigantic ENERGY DISPLAYS erupt briefly with a certain symmetry that suggests they must be part of V'ger's ower or control systems. 245 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 245 Kirk peering awed at the Viewer, the incredible sight of the chamber -- suddenly glances up to see that Spock is standing beside him -- Decker nearby, turns to Spock: DECKER (to Spock) Why bring us inside? Not to destroy us; they could have done that outside. KIRK They could have many ways of destroying things, Mr. Decker. SPOCK (peering at Viewer) Something about us puzzles them... perhaps even concerns them. 245A ANGLE ON UHURA 245A Reacting to a console reading: UHURA Captain, photic-sonar readings indicate the aperture is closing; we're trapped, sir...! 246 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE ENTERING V'GER (S) 246 The starship is pulled inside, the "iris" is closing behind it. 247 INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING THE VIEWER (O) 247 The viewer image changing from the huge dark chamber, rear angle shot, showing the "iris" closing. SULU Reverse angle on the viewer, Captain. On the viewer the final glimmer from exterior space as the "iris" closes completely. 248 REACTIONS 248 All eyes on the viewer, CAMERA FINDING ONE FACE AFTER ANOTHER, the reality of the situation etched into each face. Then: 248A FAVORING KIRK 248A As Spock turns from a reading: SPOCK The tractor beam has released us, Captain. DIFALCO Confirmed: Vessel is floating free. No forward momentum. KIRK Viewer ahead. SULU Viewer ahead, sir. 248B INSERT - MAIN VIEWER 248B Ahead, the cavernous interior of V'ger. 248C BACK TO SHOT 248C Kirk eying the main viewer -- Decker watching Kirk. KIRK Maneuvering thrusters, Mr. Sulu; ahead one third. (to Spock) Full sensor scan, Mr. Spock; they can't expect us not to look them over now! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters ahead, one third. SPOCK (manipulating controls) Commencing sensor scans. Kirk rises, goes to Spock's station. 249 INT. V'GER ENTRANCE CHAMBER - ENTERPRISE (S) 249 The Enterprise moving slowly forward in this vastness, its running lights merely specks of light, candles in the darkness. In the distance those occasional ERUPT- ING POWER DISPLAYS in distant locations, sizes, shapes and patterns. 250 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING MAIN VIEWER (O) 250 showing another persective of the above, and further away GLOWING ENERGY FIELDS dimly illuminating the alien ship's walls -- miles away. Strange semi--solid LIGHT SHAPES (some are "sensor-bee" swarms) traverse the dark- ness in random directions. But in the distance ahead, there seems to be an opening to another chamber. SULU (of Viewer) Something ahead, sir; looks like another area... (reacts) It's closing up...! Sulu is indicating what appears to be a lace-bulwark of POWERFIELD PATTERNS closing off the "chamber" in the distance ahead. Kirk, from the Science Station calls out: KIRK Hold station...! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters at station keeping... 251 ANGLE EMPHASIZING SPOCK 251 at his Science consoles, working rapidly, shifting from one set of controls to another. Now he hits a master control -- his console monitors FLASH, then go dark. SPOCK Captain... Spock brings a monitor IMAGE ON again, indicates a (Povill) pattern showing a line hitting something, then reversing direction. SPOCK (continuing) All scans are being reflected back, Captain. Our sensors are useless. 251A ACROSS THEM TO THE MAIN VIEWER 251A Kirk reacts with disappointment, indicates the main viewer. KIRK Have you been able to analyze any of this...? SPOCK (voice increasingly reverential) I believe the light flares to be energy fields -- undoubtedly part of the vessel's inner mechanism. A technology so incredibly sophisticated that I cannot -- COMPUTER VOICE (overlapping) Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert..! (continues) 252 OMITTED 252 - - 253 253 254 ANGLE ON CHEKOV 254 Reacting to a console reading: CHEKOV Deck four, Captain; Officers' Quarters...! KIRK (to Chekov) Have a security team meet me at Deck Four main elevator! A moment's reaction from all at this, Kirk hurrying toward elevator, calling: KIRK (continuing) Take the conn, Mr. Decker: Hold present position... (gesturing Spock to join him) Spock... And Spock rises, joins Kirk and they hurriedly exit, the CAMERA SWINGING BACK to Decker, his perplexed con- cern (because of Ilia). 254A INT. ILIA'S CABIN - THE SONIC SHOWER 254A Where we SEE, behind the translucent stall door, what is unmistakably the form of the NUDE FEMALE. 255 INT. ILIA'S CABIN - KIRK 255 entering, Spock slightly behind him - and one Security Guard. Kirk glances around the room, now glances at the shower area and reacts as he sees the NAKED FORM. The others react similarly, even Spock cannot help re- pressing an expression of surprise. A moment's uncer- tainty as Kirk peers at them, then he steps to the stall door, hesitates another instant -- then slides the door open. (NOTE: Arrange lighting for bizarre, mysterious effect.) Kirk's eyes cannot believe what he is seeing: 255A "ILIA" 255A standing in the sonic mist, naked but for a small multi-colored button embedded in her throat. As she looks at Kirk -- and the others -- the men peer back at her, speechless. "ILIA" I have been programmed by V'ger to observe and record normal functioning of the carbon-based units infesting USS ENTERPRISE. Kirk peers at her another nonplussed moment, then leans into the shower to touch a control, his eyes fixed on the lovely body behind the mist. He punches in a three digit code. Immediately a HUMMING SOUND emanates from the shower stall, Kirk closing the door, but 'Ilia" remaining inside. 256 ACROSS KIRK AND THE OTHERS TO THE SHOWER STALL 256 The HUMMING SOUND just now reaching a gentle crescendo -- through the translucent door you can see COLORS ENVELOPING "ILIA'S" FORM. And now the SOUND STOPS. "Ilia", attired in a leisure robe, steps from the stall, into the room. She stands facing Kirk, her face impas- sive, eyes unblinking. He looks her back a moment, then glances at Spock, who is gazing at "Ilia" in abso- lute fascination. Kirk addresses her: KIRK Who is...'V'ger'...? "ILIA" V'ger is that which programmed me. KIRK Is V'ger the Captain of the alien vessel? 256A ANGLE ON THE DOOR - McCOY 256A rushing in, concerned: McCOY Jim, what's -- At the sight of 'Ilia", McCoy's words die in his throat -- and his trained eyes have instantly told him some- thing is awry. He unslings his tricorder, aims the sensor unit at "Ilia". As he reads his instruments, his face reveals the results (incredulity, fascination). Meanwhile, from the start: "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. McCOY (of "Ilia") Jim, this is a mechanism...! Kirk stares at McCoy, then at "Ilia" and realizes that "Ilia" is indeed non-human. And quickly: KIRK Where is Lt. Ilia? "ILIA" That unit no longer functions. I have been given its form to more readily communicate with the carbon-based units infesting Enterprise. SECURITY GUARD "Carbon-based units"...? McCOY (drily) Humans, Ensign Lang: us. (continues tricorder exam, increasingly impressed) KIRK (to "Ilia") Why does V'ger travel to the third planet of the solar system directly ahead? "ILIA" V'ger travels to the third planet to find the Creator. Stunned, disbelieving reactions as all four attempt to digest this -- Spock gazing at "Ilia" with even more rapt fascination. Kirk, bewildered, addresses the others: KIRK Find the Creator? What Creator? Whose...!? (to "Ilia") What does V'ger want of the 'Creator'... ? "ILIA" To join with him. 256B FAVORING SPOCK 256B suddenly alert, addressing "Ilia": SPOCK Join with the Creator... ? How? "ILIA" V'ger and the Creator will become One. SPOCK Who is the Creator? McCOY (worried) Mr. Spock, be careful. "ILIA" The Creator is that which created V'ger. KIRK Who is V'ger? "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. Another moment of total exasperation, frustration, during which "Ilia" seems to be waiting politely, patiently for any further questions. When none are forthcoming: "ILIA" (continuing; pleasant, bland) I am ready to commence my observations. SPOCK (fast; to McCoy) Doctor, a thorough examination of this probe might provide some insight into those who manufactured it, and how to deal with them. McCOY Let's get her to sickbay. And he grasps "Ilia's" arm to escort her. But is as though he has seized cast iron: immovable. McCoy is thrown off balance merely by 'Ilia's" remaining sta- tionary. She ignores McCoy, addresses Kirk: "ILIA" I am programmed to observe and record normal functioning procedures of the carbon-based units. 256B Kirk glances at McCoy, who is totally bemused, but then 256B Kirk quickly responds to "Ilia": KIRK The examination is a normal function. "ILIA" (a beat) You may proceede. McCOY (carefully) Thank you. 257 CLOSE SHOT OF EXAMINING ROOM VIEWER (O) 257 scanning a "body". PULL BACK TO SHOW McCoy, Chapel, Kirk, Spock and Chekov -- standing over "ILIA" who lies prone on the table, the physicians moving the scanner over her. McCOY (from the start; indicating) ... micro-miniature hydraulics, sensors, molecule-sized multi- processor chips... and look at this... In the b.g., Decker enters, grimly observes the proceed- ings. CHAPEL (impressed) An osmotic micro-pump... here and here. Even the smallest body functions are exactly duplicated. (traces with finger on screen) And every exocrine system is here, too -- Chapel breaks off abruptly, noticing "Ilia" is peering intently -- almost with a glimmer of recognition -- at Decker. Slightly disconcerted, Chapel continues: CHAPEL (continuing) -- even eye moisture. "ILIA" (peering at Decker) Deck -- er. 257A FAVORING SPOCK 257A as everyone reacts to "Ilia's" utterance of Decker's name. It seems to make the deepest impression on Spock, confirming something he has suspected. SPOCK (to "Ilia") Interesting. Not 'Decker-unit'? "Ilia" continues peering at Decker with just a hint of a puzzled frown, a glimmer of distant recognition. It's the first time we've seen her expression look anything but cool and bland. This results in the quizzical rising of one of Spock's eyebrows. 258 ANOTHER ANGLE 258 McCoy's examination now turns "Ilia" away from the others. Spock quickly catches Kirk's and Decker's attention, indicates an adjoining door -- they fol- low him out of the room. 259 INT. McCOY'S OFFICE 259 as Kirk, Spock and Decker enter, the door snapping shut -- and Spock touching the electronic lock to secure them. He faces the others: SPOCK Captain... this probe may be a key a key to the Aliens. DECKER It's a programmed mechanism, Mr. Spock... SPOCK We have just seen that its body duplicates our navigator in precise detail. Suppose that beneath its programming, the real Ilia's memory patterns are duplicated with equal precision. KIRK They had a pattern to follow... SPOCK (nods) ... they may have followed it too precisely. KIRK (comprehending) Ilia's memory, her feelings of loyalty, friendship, obedience... might all be there. 259A ANGLE ON DECKER 259A also comprehending, and not liking it one bit as Spock and Kirk are both turning their attention to him. SPOCK Exactly. (to Decker) And you did have a 'relationship' with Lieutenant Ilia, Commander. DECKER That probe in there -- in a different form now -- is the same thing that killed Ilia! KIRK Commander, we're locked in an alien vessel, six hours from Earth orbit, our only contact with our captors is the probe. If we can control it, persuade it, use it in some way... Interrupted by the SOUND of someone trying to open the locked door behind them. Then a METAL RIPPING SOUND as they whirl to see: 260 MEDICAL OFFICE DOOR 260 with the METAL BUCKLING, TEARING -- and a single hand slicing the steel door like paper. It is the "Ilia" probe, her face absolutely impassive, her whole manner incongruously benign. (Behind her, a startled McCoy, Chapel and Chekov.) "Ilia" speaks flatly, blandly. "ILIA" I have recorded enough here. (motions to Kirk) You will now assist me further. Kirk exchanges a quick glance with Spock. Then: KIRK (indicating Decker) The Decker-unit can assist you with much greater efficiency... "Ilia" has seemed about to object -- but now her eyes hold on Decker. Then she nods. KIRK (continuing) Carry on with your assignment, Mr. Decker. 260A ANOTHER ANGLE - ACROSS DECKER TO THE SMASHED DOOR 260A (AND "ILIA") as Decker looks at "Ilia" who stands at the torn door. You can read Decker's mind: I'm supposed to persuade that?! He turns back, finds Kirk's eyes on him. Decker nods. DECKER Aye, sir. "Ilia" and a reluctant Decker EXIT. 260B EMPHASIZING SPOCK 260B looking very troubled as they watch Decker and "Ilia" leave. Kirk notices. KIRK Spock? Concerned about his chances? SPOCK I am uneasy with that being our only hope of more information. Spock EXITS. 261 INT. V'GER - THE ENTERPRISE 261 floating in the vast, eerie, alien chamber -- sporadic FLASHES OF ENERGY, erupting now and then. Various other EFFECTS. OVER this, Kirk's VOICE: KIRK (V.O.) Captain's Log. Stardate 7414.1. Our best estimates place us some four hours from Earth. No significant Ilia memory patterns within the alien probe. This remains our only means of contact with our captor. 262 INT. ENTERPRISE AIRLOCK AREA 262 The area dimly lit -- unoccupied but for a lone AIRLOCK TECHNICIAN checking and adjusting instruments. The CAMERA MOVES PAST him to FIND: 263 SPOCK 263 His face fixed with grim determination, walking quietly with obvious intent not to attract the Tech's attention. Now he steals up behind the TECH -- and in an instant has applied a Vulcan nerve pinch. The Tech slumps over his console. 264 INT KIRK'S CABIN - VIEWER MONITOR 264 Showing a CLOSE SHOT of ENTERPRISE PICTURES, then PULL BACK SLIGHTLY for an IMAGE of Decker and "Ilia" walk- ing through the Rec Deck. PULL BACK FURTHER TO SHOW Kirk watching this -- and with him is McCoy. They continue watching a troubled beat, as: DECKER (of pictures) All these vessels were called "Enterprise". "Ilia" is giving the pictures a very interested look as we HEAR in Kirk's cabin: UHURA'S INTERCOM VOICE (controlled excitement) Bridge to Captain... 265 OMITTED 265 266 INT. BRIDGE - UHURA'S STATION (SCIENCE STATION IN 266 B.G.) Uhura at her console, struggling to hear the signal. KIRK'S INTERCOM VOICE Kirk here. In the b.g., Spock's station a MAINTENANCE TEAM is replacing the broken Science Station computer. (Spock is conspicuously absent.) UHURA A faint signal from Starfleet, sir. They have the intruder on their monitors... (struggling to hear) They show us... three hours... twenty-four minutes from Earth! KIRK'S VOICE (thru intercom) Thank you. 267 INT. RECREATION DECK 267 Decker and "Ilia", the Rec Deck unoccupied but for a pair of wary SECURITY GUARDS at a very discreet dis- tance. They are near the pictures of the five Enter- prises, which should be FEATURED in this SHOT, as Decker waves his hand about the huge room. DECKER The carbon units use this area for recreation... (carefully) What type of recreation does the crew aboard your vessel enjoy...? 268 CLOSER TWO SHOT (PICTURES O.S.) 268 As "Ilia" moves on into the room, Decker follows: "ILIA" The words 'recreation' and 'enjoy' have no meaning to my programming. Decker peers at the lovely android with frustration -- and no little pain, for she is after all the exact replica of Ilia. She pays not the slightest attention to Decker's reaction, and begins walking about the Rec Deck taking in (and, clearly, transmitting all images to V'ger) the sights. They are near a game area (elec- tronic games), and now Decker points to one game, switches it on -- presses button to activate its LIGHTS and SOUNDS. "Ilia" watches interestedly as Decker operates the game. DECKER Ilia 'enjoyed' this game... she nearly always won -- And he demonstrates again, as "Ilia" steps to the device, deftly hits some buttons -- and for just an instant she turns to Decker with a momentary glimmer of recognition. 269 INT. KIRK'S CABIN - GROUP WATCHING THE MONITOR 269 McCoy watching with special interest: McCOY (approving) Good! He's using audial-visual association. But the words are not out of McCoy's mouth when "Ilia" says: "ILIA" This device serves no purpose. She steps away from the game; Decker's disappointment is evident. So is everyone elses. KIRK Damn...! McCOY (nods grimly) She needs something else: something much more personal to stimulate memory patterns. Something with a more emotional tie. Kirk reacts to this, reflective. 270 INT. REC DECK FULL ON DECKER AND "ILIA" 270 Decker waving back toward the general area of the Enterprise pictures. DECKER The crews of the previous Enterprises were also carbon units. In what way is the life form in your vessel different? "ILIA" Carbon units are not true life forms... Do those images repre- sent how Enterprise has evolved into its present form? DECKER (hoping he's struck a responsive chord) Yes. "ILIA" Carbon units have clearly retarded Enterprise's proper evolvement. DECKER (controlling surprise) What is Enterprise's proper evolvement? "ILIA" Enterprise should not require the presence of carbon units. And with this she moves off, observing other Rec Deck objects. Decker moves with her; then: DECKER (carefully) Enterprise would be unable to function without carbon units. "ILIA" More data concerning this functioning is necessary before carbon units can be patterned for data storage. 271 ACROSS "ILIA" TO DECKER 271 as he reacts to this ominous note; he stops abruptly. DECKER What does that mean? "ILIA" (stopping; almost pleasantly) When my examination is complete, the carbon units will be reduced to data patterns. This has been delivered with chilling blandness, and she stands facing Decker, almost as though waiting for him to thank her. He thinks fast now. DECKER Within you are memory patterns of a carbon unit. If I can help you revive these patterns; you could understand our functions better. "ILIA" That is logical. You may procede. 272 ON DECKER 272 realizing the difficult task ahead; the pain he will suffer. 273 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE (M) 273 The ship stationary in the chamber as now we SEE an exterior hatch sliding fully open. Up through the hatch a circular airlock door opens -- and a tiny figure in a thruster spacesuit emerges, steps into space, slowly floats down through the hatch and under the Enterprise saucer section. In this and subsequent VIEWS we will SEE that on the rear pack of his thruster spacesuit is a FLASHING STROBE LIGHT which regularly EMITS the identifying SIGNAL of this particular suit. (By which Kirk will be able to see Spock's position even from several miles away.) 274 CLOSER ON THE SPACESUITED FIGURE (M) 274 MOVING TOWARD the CAMERA until the features behind the face mask are clearly identifiable: Spock, his face set in the same grim, determined expression, as he touches his spacesuit transmitter control. SPOCK Computer, commence recording. Captain Kirk -- this message will detail my attempt to contact the aliens... 275 INT. BRIDGE 275 Kirk ENTERING, crossing Uhura as she calls: UHURA Starfleet signals, sir, growing in strength... (listening intently) They -- have Intruder on their monitors -- it's decelerating -- powerfield cloud beginning to dissipate... SULU Confirm, Captain. Lunar beacons indicate Intruder on a course into Earth orbit... CHEKOV (interrupting) Sir! Airlock four has been opened; a thruster suit is reported missing! KIRK (reacts knowingly) Spock...! (to navigator) Get a fix on his position! 276 INT. V'GER - MED. ON SPOCK 276 His features now set into an almost trance-like expres- sion as he concentrates on the thought emanations. Then we SEE his head turn, he peers off -- then he moves his thruster controls. We SEE the small blue jets of his thrusters -- his spacesuit figure begins to move off in the direction he was concentrating upon. 277 ANOTHER ANGLE - SPOCK 277 His thrusters moving him across V'ger's vast chamber then dropping down into a deep "trough"-like area which stretches into the distance ahead of him. A cloud of CRYSTAL FORMS (Kirk's entrapment) become visible to one side but Spock passes them at some dis- tance and does not attract them. We can SEE more clearly now the point on the inner wall of the trough toward which Spock is heading. It is an unusual combination of GLOWING FORCEFIELDS which seem to mark this point of the vessel as of some importance. (Here, also, we will become aware of "sensor-bee" swarms, intermittently darting toward this same wall from all points of the chamber.) 278 INT. AIRLOCK AREA 278 SHOWING Kirk in a thruster spacesuit, helmet being readied by AIRLOCK TECHNICIANS. McCoy is also here, arguing with Kirk: KIRK (from the start) ... I don't want him stopped, Bones; I want him to lead me to whatever's out there...! McCOY And if that 'whatever' has taken over his mind....? KIRK Then he'll have still led me to it, won't he? And Kirk steps into the airlock door, hits a control -- it begins sliding closed behind him. 279 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE 279 UP THROUGH the circular airlock door as it slides open -- and Kirk's tiny spacesuited figure floats down clear of the saucer. 280 CLOSER ON KIRK 280 SEEING his face through the spacesuit faceplate as he scans the darkness. SULU'S VOICE Bridge, Captain. We make Spock as 26 Mark 345 degrees off ship's axis. During which, Kirk spots something. 281 KIRK'S POV 281 Spock's STROBE blinker at a mile or so distance, nearing

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ENERGY BOLT which instantly envelopes First Security Man in a PURPLE GLOW (of implosion). Second Security Man has almost lifted his phaser -- but now carefully, slowly is moving his hand away from his weapon. 210 CLOSER - THE SECURITY MEN (O) 210 PURPLE GLOW FADES, the First Security Man has simply vanished. 210A FULL SHOT - BRIDGE 210A Chekov, like the others, horrified, flips a switch and the COMPUTER-VOICE ("Intruder Alert") goes OFF. At the same time Chekov speaks into his intercom: CHEKOV Security... do not send further teams! The Probe is sending out snake-like tendrils to the various consoles on the bridge. These tendrils lash out in a cobra-strike movement, the tendril-head seeming to enter into the console affected -- at which time all monitors and instrument lights there come ON as if the Probe is "reading" each console function. The crew carefully stays clear of the tendrils. Spock has risen, moving to Kirk's side as he slowly brings his tricorder up, very carefully extracting its tiny sensor and aiming it at the probe. CHEKOV (shaken) No intruder readings on other decks, Captain... (to Spock) Can that be one of their crew? SPOCK (quiet) A probe from their vessel... (to Kirk) A plasma-energy combination... Meanwhile, the probe is now hovering near Chekov who sits frozen, fists clenched, jaw tight. DECKER Don't interfere with it...! CHEKOV Absolutely, I will not interfere! 210B ANGLE INCLUDING SPOCK'S CONSOLE (O) 210B as the "probe" withdraws an energy-tendril from one bridge station and "inserts" it into another console. KIRK No one interfere...! It doesn't seem interested in us -- only the ship...! Kirk's words are never completed as suddenly all the energy tendrils withdraw from all consoles and a larger, more powerful-looking tendril lashes out, snaking into the science console complex. 210C CLOSER ON SCIENCE CONSOLE 210C Where, also immediately, all the console and computer lights are suddenly flashing wildly, rapidly -- -- There is an incredibly fast EXCHANGE OF HIGH-PITCHED BEES -- the computer obviously in unauthorized commu- nication with the probe! KIRK Computer off! DECKER It's taken control of the computer...! KIRK It's running our records! Starfleet strength, Earth defenses... As Decker moves to the main power control, Spock now steps in, his Vulcan strength easily brushing Kirk and Decker aside. Spock clasps his fists above his head, brings it down in a SHATTERING BLOW on the console. It splits open! As the bridge lights dim even more, and as the science console shorts itself out -- and off, Decker confronts Spock: DECKER We could have cut it off at the main computer... SPOCK This served the purpose. Kirk has been giving Spock a puzzled look -- Spock now turns abruptly, and: 210D ANOTHER ANGLE (O) 210D as Spock, in stepping back, accidentally brushes the probe's energy tendril -- a FLASH OF LIGHT at the contact point sends Spock sinning under the rail and to the floor near Ilia. The probe's energy-tendril has withdrawn from the darkened science console, hov- ers high over the dazed Spock as if angrily seeking the reason for the break in its computer contact. Spock starts to rise. ILIA Mr. Spock, don't move...! Decker steps toward her, AD LIBBING a grim "Ilia...!" But he has no chance as: 211 OMITTED 211 - - 219 219 220 CLOSER ON ILIA (O) 220 The Probe hovers over her, its whole mass seemingly about to envelope her with a single tendril extended toward her, somehow freezing her into immobility - and then the entire Probe DISSOLVES IN A BLINDING FLASH OF WHITE, obscuring Ilia. Almost instantly the WHITE FLASH FADES -- but Ilia has vanished -- her tricorder clattering to the deck. 221 OMITTED 221 222 ACROSS THE NAVIGATOR'S STATION TO KIRK AND DECKER 222 helpless, shocked, gazing at the place Ilia was -- but which is now empty. DECKER (to Kirk, quiet fury) This is how I define unwarranted! And almost at the same moment a new BRIDGE ALARM SIGNAL. 223 OMITTED 223 - - 232 232 233 The ALARM still sounding as from the giant alien ves- 233 sel, we SEE STRANGE, OPAQUE ENERGY PATTERNS STREAKING TOWARD US. Kirk vaults to the command chair, lunges for controls, as Decker races to the weapons-defense console. DECKER (voice amplified) The ship is under attack...! Man all defensive stations...! KIRK Forcefields, full remaining strength...! Total reserve! Appropriate ALARM KLAXONS, and COMPUTER VOICES begin SOUNDING, and all this is lost in a SUDDEN SHRILLING SOUND (a constant, high-pitched tone). For a moment the energy patterns are prominent on the viewer -- and then the PATTERNS VANISHED and the SHRILL SOUND FADES -- and: 234 FAVOR THE VIEWER (O) 234 showing V'ger GROWING RAPIDLY IN SIZE. The Enterprise is being pulled along the length of the big ship, toward its "prow." SPOCK Captain, we have been seized by a tractor beam...! KIRK (to Decker) Get someone up here to take the Navigator's station...! (into intercom) Engineering... full emergency power! DECKER (into intercom) Chief Difalco to the bridge; on the double! 234A ENGINEERING 234A in a state of controlled chaos, all personnel at their stations, the Engine CORE GLOWING. Scott is working his controls, speaking into the intercom: SCOTT Going to full emergency... (studying readings) But Captain, if we don't break free in fifteen seconds, she'll burn up... 234B INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING SPOCK 234B as Spock studies his readings, and: SPOCK We cannot break free, Captain. (indicates monitors) We do not have a fraction of the power necessary. KIRK (into intercom) Delay that order, Scotty...! Disengage all main drive systems! Spock peers in deep concentration at the Main Viewer, trying to sense some clue. Kirk glances at him another moment, then turns to the Main Viewer himself, watches in frustrated helplessness. 235 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE BEING PULLED TOWARD V'GER (S) 235 the starship being pulled toward the giant as though on a taut cable. As we MOVE CLOSER, we SEE still more intricate details of the incredible Alien design. 236 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 236 as Difalco arrives on the run, and Decker AD LIBS to her, "Assume Navigator's station, Chief...!" Difalco, bewildered, wants to ask what happened, but no time, and she quickly sits at the post, begins orienting herself. Meanwhile, Decker has begun an Executive Officer's bridge circuit, assisting with various con- soles. Kirk is glancing toward Spock who continues concentrating on the Viewer, striving to comprehend the myriad of thoughts he is sensing from he Aliens. McCoy also arrives on the bridge, takes in the chaotic scene, watches the Viewer grimly. 237 OMITTED 237 - - 238 238 239 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER (S) 239 At the forward end of the giant, an odd-shapped "iris" begins opening menacingly. And it is frighteningly obvious that the tractor beam is pulling the Enterprise to the opening. 240 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 240 showing the unusual "iris" now almost fully open as Enterprise is drawn closer, closer -- through the "iris" we now SEE (some of) V'ger's interior: a dark void relieved only by strange flickering glows of dis- tant ENERGY FIELD PATTERNS. The crew reacts with understandable awe, apprehension, curiosity, as: DECKER Captain, suggest a maximum phaser strike directly at the beam might weaken it just enough for us to break free -- Spock replies for Kirk: quickly, as though to make his point convincingly: SPOCK Break free to where, Commander...? (to Kirk) Any show of resistance would not only be futile, Catain... 240XA ACROSS SPOCK TO KIRK (DECKER AND McCOY IN B.G.) 240XA as Kirk reacts somewhat curiously to Spock's remark, but it is Decker who articulates it: DECKER (troubled; suspicious) We don't know that, Mr. Spock. Why are you opposed to trying? Before Spock can reply: UHURA They're pulling us inside...! All face the Viewer again, react, with McCoy who has been observing all these reactions now galvanized into action: McCOY (to Chekov) Medical observers to all decks! And he hurries toward the elevators, CAMERA WITH HIM a moment, then SWINGING BACK TO: 240A PAST KIRK TO VIEWER (O) 240A Kirk staring at the viewer -- the "iris" now fully open so that the exterior of V'ger is no longer visible -- and all we can SEE is the monstrous void dead ahead, which is looming faster and larger before our eyes. And now we are inside. 241 OMITTED 241 - - 243 243 244 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER - AT THE "IRIS" (S) 244 Enterprise now being pulled past the opening -- into the ship proper. Now we can SEE that the dark void is actually a vast chamber, dimly and intermittently lit by POWERFIELDS appearing and vanishing along the vessel's inner walls, which are miles away in the distance. And here and there in the chamber gigantic ENERGY DISPLAYS erupt briefly with a certain symmetry that suggests they must be part of V'ger's ower or control systems. 245 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 245 Kirk peering awed at the Viewer, the incredible sight of the chamber -- suddenly glances up to see that Spock is standing beside him -- Decker nearby, turns to Spock: DECKER (to Spock) Why bring us inside? Not to destroy us; they could have done that outside. KIRK They could have many ways of destroying things, Mr. Decker. SPOCK (peering at Viewer) Something about us puzzles them... perhaps even concerns them. 245A ANGLE ON UHURA 245A Reacting to a console reading: UHURA Captain, photic-sonar readings indicate the aperture is closing; we're trapped, sir...! 246 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE ENTERING V'GER (S) 246 The starship is pulled inside, the "iris" is closing behind it. 247 INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING THE VIEWER (O) 247 The viewer image changing from the huge dark chamber, rear angle shot, showing the "iris" closing. SULU Reverse angle on the viewer, Captain. On the viewer the final glimmer from exterior space as the "iris" closes completely. 248 REACTIONS 248 All eyes on the viewer, CAMERA FINDING ONE FACE AFTER ANOTHER, the reality of the situation etched into each face. Then: 248A FAVORING KIRK 248A As Spock turns from a reading: SPOCK The tractor beam has released us, Captain. DIFALCO Confirmed: Vessel is floating free. No forward momentum. KIRK Viewer ahead. SULU Viewer ahead, sir. 248B INSERT - MAIN VIEWER 248B Ahead, the cavernous interior of V'ger. 248C BACK TO SHOT 248C Kirk eying the main viewer -- Decker watching Kirk. KIRK Maneuvering thrusters, Mr. Sulu; ahead one third. (to Spock) Full sensor scan, Mr. Spock; they can't expect us not to look them over now! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters ahead, one third. SPOCK (manipulating controls) Commencing sensor scans. Kirk rises, goes to Spock's station. 249 INT. V'GER ENTRANCE CHAMBER - ENTERPRISE (S) 249 The Enterprise moving slowly forward in this vastness, its running lights merely specks of light, candles in the darkness. In the distance those occasional ERUPT- ING POWER DISPLAYS in distant locations, sizes, shapes and patterns. 250 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING MAIN VIEWER (O) 250 showing another persective of the above, and further away GLOWING ENERGY FIELDS dimly illuminating the alien ship's walls -- miles away. Strange semi--solid LIGHT SHAPES (some are "sensor-bee" swarms) traverse the dark- ness in random directions. But in the distance ahead, there seems to be an opening to another chamber. SULU (of Viewer) Something ahead, sir; looks like another area... (reacts) It's closing up...! Sulu is indicating what appears to be a lace-bulwark of POWERFIELD PATTERNS closing off the "chamber" in the distance ahead. Kirk, from the Science Station calls out: KIRK Hold station...! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters at station keeping... 251 ANGLE EMPHASIZING SPOCK 251 at his Science consoles, working rapidly, shifting from one set of controls to another. Now he hits a master control -- his console monitors FLASH, then go dark. SPOCK Captain... Spock brings a monitor IMAGE ON again, indicates a (Povill) pattern showing a line hitting something, then reversing direction. SPOCK (continuing) All scans are being reflected back, Captain. Our sensors are useless. 251A ACROSS THEM TO THE MAIN VIEWER 251A Kirk reacts with disappointment, indicates the main viewer. KIRK Have you been able to analyze any of this...? SPOCK (voice increasingly reverential) I believe the light flares to be energy fields -- undoubtedly part of the vessel's inner mechanism. A technology so incredibly sophisticated that I cannot -- COMPUTER VOICE (overlapping) Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert..! (continues) 252 OMITTED 252 - - 253 253 254 ANGLE ON CHEKOV 254 Reacting to a console reading: CHEKOV Deck four, Captain; Officers' Quarters...! KIRK (to Chekov) Have a security team meet me at Deck Four main elevator! A moment's reaction from all at this, Kirk hurrying toward elevator, calling: KIRK (continuing) Take the conn, Mr. Decker: Hold present position... (gesturing Spock to join him) Spock... And Spock rises, joins Kirk and they hurriedly exit, the CAMERA SWINGING BACK to Decker, his perplexed con- cern (because of Ilia). 254A INT. ILIA'S CABIN - THE SONIC SHOWER 254A Where we SEE, behind the translucent stall door, what is unmistakably the form of the NUDE FEMALE. 255 INT. ILIA'S CABIN - KIRK 255 entering, Spock slightly behind him - and one Security Guard. Kirk glances around the room, now glances at the shower area and reacts as he sees the NAKED FORM. The others react similarly, even Spock cannot help re- pressing an expression of surprise. A moment's uncer- tainty as Kirk peers at them, then he steps to the stall door, hesitates another instant -- then slides the door open. (NOTE: Arrange lighting for bizarre, mysterious effect.) Kirk's eyes cannot believe what he is seeing: 255A "ILIA" 255A standing in the sonic mist, naked but for a small multi-colored button embedded in her throat. As she looks at Kirk -- and the others -- the men peer back at her, speechless. "ILIA" I have been programmed by V'ger to observe and record normal functioning of the carbon-based units infesting USS ENTERPRISE. Kirk peers at her another nonplussed moment, then leans into the shower to touch a control, his eyes fixed on the lovely body behind the mist. He punches in a three digit code. Immediately a HUMMING SOUND emanates from the shower stall, Kirk closing the door, but 'Ilia" remaining inside. 256 ACROSS KIRK AND THE OTHERS TO THE SHOWER STALL 256 The HUMMING SOUND just now reaching a gentle crescendo -- through the translucent door you can see COLORS ENVELOPING "ILIA'S" FORM. And now the SOUND STOPS. "Ilia", attired in a leisure robe, steps from the stall, into the room. She stands facing Kirk, her face impas- sive, eyes unblinking. He looks her back a moment, then glances at Spock, who is gazing at "Ilia" in abso- lute fascination. Kirk addresses her: KIRK Who is...'V'ger'...? "ILIA" V'ger is that which programmed me. KIRK Is V'ger the Captain of the alien vessel? 256A ANGLE ON THE DOOR - McCOY 256A rushing in, concerned: McCOY Jim, what's -- At the sight of 'Ilia", McCoy's words die in his throat -- and his trained eyes have instantly told him some- thing is awry. He unslings his tricorder, aims the sensor unit at "Ilia". As he reads his instruments, his face reveals the results (incredulity, fascination). Meanwhile, from the start: "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. McCOY (of "Ilia") Jim, this is a mechanism...! Kirk stares at McCoy, then at "Ilia" and realizes that "Ilia" is indeed non-human. And quickly: KIRK Where is Lt. Ilia? "ILIA" That unit no longer functions. I have been given its form to more readily communicate with the carbon-based units infesting Enterprise. SECURITY GUARD "Carbon-based units"...? McCOY (drily) Humans, Ensign Lang: us. (continues tricorder exam, increasingly impressed) KIRK (to "Ilia") Why does V'ger travel to the third planet of the solar system directly ahead? "ILIA" V'ger travels to the third planet to find the Creator. Stunned, disbelieving reactions as all four attempt to digest this -- Spock gazing at "Ilia" with even more rapt fascination. Kirk, bewildered, addresses the others: KIRK Find the Creator? What Creator? Whose...!? (to "Ilia") What does V'ger want of the 'Creator'... ? "ILIA" To join with him. 256B FAVORING SPOCK 256B suddenly alert, addressing "Ilia": SPOCK Join with the Creator... ? How? "ILIA" V'ger and the Creator will become One. SPOCK Who is the Creator? McCOY (worried) Mr. Spock, be careful. "ILIA" The Creator is that which created V'ger. KIRK Who is V'ger? "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. Another moment of total exasperation, frustration, during which "Ilia" seems to be waiting politely, patiently for any further questions. When none are forthcoming: "ILIA" (continuing; pleasant, bland) I am ready to commence my observations. SPOCK (fast; to McCoy) Doctor, a thorough examination of this probe might provide some insight into those who manufactured it, and how to deal with them. McCOY Let's get her to sickbay. And he grasps "Ilia's" arm to escort her. But is as though he has seized cast iron: immovable. McCoy is thrown off balance merely by 'Ilia's" remaining sta- tionary. She ignores McCoy, addresses Kirk: "ILIA" I am programmed to observe and record normal functioning procedures of the carbon-based units. 256B Kirk glances at McCoy, who is totally bemused, but then 256B Kirk quickly responds to "Ilia": KIRK The examination is a normal function. "ILIA" (a beat) You may proceede. McCOY (carefully) Thank you. 257 CLOSE SHOT OF EXAMINING ROOM VIEWER (O) 257 scanning a "body". PULL BACK TO SHOW McCoy, Chapel, Kirk, Spock and Chekov -- standing over "ILIA" who lies prone on the table, the physicians moving the scanner over her. McCOY (from the start; indicating) ... micro-miniature hydraulics, sensors, molecule-sized multi- processor chips... and look at this... In the b.g., Decker enters, grimly observes the proceed- ings. CHAPEL (impressed) An osmotic micro-pump... here and here. Even the smallest body functions are exactly duplicated. (traces with finger on screen) And every exocrine system is here, too -- Chapel breaks off abruptly, noticing "Ilia" is peering intently -- almost with a glimmer of recognition -- at Decker. Slightly disconcerted, Chapel continues: CHAPEL (continuing) -- even eye moisture. "ILIA" (peering at Decker) Deck -- er. 257A FAVORING SPOCK 257A as everyone reacts to "Ilia's" utterance of Decker's name. It seems to make the deepest impression on Spock, confirming something he has suspected. SPOCK (to "Ilia") Interesting. Not 'Decker-unit'? "Ilia" continues peering at Decker with just a hint of a puzzled frown, a glimmer of distant recognition. It's the first time we've seen her expression look anything but cool and bland. This results in the quizzical rising of one of Spock's eyebrows. 258 ANOTHER ANGLE 258 McCoy's examination now turns "Ilia" away from the others. Spock quickly catches Kirk's and Decker's attention, indicates an adjoining door -- they fol- low him out of the room. 259 INT. McCOY'S OFFICE 259 as Kirk, Spock and Decker enter, the door snapping shut -- and Spock touching the electronic lock to secure them. He faces the others: SPOCK Captain... this probe may be a key a key to the Aliens. DECKER It's a programmed mechanism, Mr. Spock... SPOCK We have just seen that its body duplicates our navigator in precise detail. Suppose that beneath its programming, the real Ilia's memory patterns are duplicated with equal precision. KIRK They had a pattern to follow... SPOCK (nods) ... they may have followed it too precisely. KIRK (comprehending) Ilia's memory, her feelings of loyalty, friendship, obedience... might all be there. 259A ANGLE ON DECKER 259A also comprehending, and not liking it one bit as Spock and Kirk are both turning their attention to him. SPOCK Exactly. (to Decker) And you did have a 'relationship' with Lieutenant Ilia, Commander. DECKER That probe in there -- in a different form now -- is the same thing that killed Ilia! KIRK Commander, we're locked in an alien vessel, six hours from Earth orbit, our only contact with our captors is the probe. If we can control it, persuade it, use it in some way... Interrupted by the SOUND of someone trying to open the locked door behind them. Then a METAL RIPPING SOUND as they whirl to see: 260 MEDICAL OFFICE DOOR 260 with the METAL BUCKLING, TEARING -- and a single hand slicing the steel door like paper. It is the "Ilia" probe, her face absolutely impassive, her whole manner incongruously benign. (Behind her, a startled McCoy, Chapel and Chekov.) "Ilia" speaks flatly, blandly. "ILIA" I have recorded enough here. (motions to Kirk) You will now assist me further. Kirk exchanges a quick glance with Spock. Then: KIRK (indicating Decker) The Decker-unit can assist you with much greater efficiency... "Ilia" has seemed about to object -- but now her eyes hold on Decker. Then she nods. KIRK (continuing) Carry on with your assignment, Mr. Decker. 260A ANOTHER ANGLE - ACROSS DECKER TO THE SMASHED DOOR 260A (AND "ILIA") as Decker looks at "Ilia" who stands at the torn door. You can read Decker's mind: I'm supposed to persuade that?! He turns back, finds Kirk's eyes on him. Decker nods. DECKER Aye, sir. "Ilia" and a reluctant Decker EXIT. 260B EMPHASIZING SPOCK 260B looking very troubled as they watch Decker and "Ilia" leave. Kirk notices. KIRK Spock? Concerned about his chances? SPOCK I am uneasy with that being our only hope of more information. Spock EXITS. 261 INT. V'GER - THE ENTERPRISE 261 floating in the vast, eerie, alien chamber -- sporadic FLASHES OF ENERGY, erupting now and then. Various other EFFECTS. OVER this, Kirk's VOICE: KIRK (V.O.) Captain's Log. Stardate 7414.1. Our best estimates place us some four hours from Earth. No significant Ilia memory patterns within the alien probe. This remains our only means of contact with our captor. 262 INT. ENTERPRISE AIRLOCK AREA 262 The area dimly lit -- unoccupied but for a lone AIRLOCK TECHNICIAN checking and adjusting instruments. The CAMERA MOVES PAST him to FIND: 263 SPOCK 263 His face fixed with grim determination, walking quietly with obvious intent not to attract the Tech's attention. Now he steals up behind the TECH -- and in an instant has applied a Vulcan nerve pinch. The Tech slumps over his console. 264 INT KIRK'S CABIN - VIEWER MONITOR 264 Showing a CLOSE SHOT of ENTERPRISE PICTURES, then PULL BACK SLIGHTLY for an IMAGE of Decker and "Ilia" walk- ing through the Rec Deck. PULL BACK FURTHER TO SHOW Kirk watching this -- and with him is McCoy. They continue watching a troubled beat, as: DECKER (of pictures) All these vessels were called "Enterprise". "Ilia" is giving the pictures a very interested look as we HEAR in Kirk's cabin: UHURA'S INTERCOM VOICE (controlled excitement) Bridge to Captain... 265 OMITTED 265 266 INT. BRIDGE - UHURA'S STATION (SCIENCE STATION IN 266 B.G.) Uhura at her console, struggling to hear the signal. KIRK'S INTERCOM VOICE Kirk here. In the b.g., Spock's station a MAINTENANCE TEAM is replacing the broken Science Station computer. (Spock is conspicuously absent.) UHURA A faint signal from Starfleet, sir. They have the intruder on their monitors... (struggling to hear) They show us... three hours... twenty-four minutes from Earth! KIRK'S VOICE (thru intercom) Thank you. 267 INT. RECREATION DECK 267 Decker and "Ilia", the Rec Deck unoccupied but for a pair of wary SECURITY GUARDS at a very discreet dis- tance. They are near the pictures of the five Enter- prises, which should be FEATURED in this SHOT, as Decker waves his hand about the huge room. DECKER The carbon units use this area for recreation... (carefully) What type of recreation does the crew aboard your vessel enjoy...? 268 CLOSER TWO SHOT (PICTURES O.S.) 268 As "Ilia" moves on into the room, Decker follows: "ILIA" The words 'recreation' and 'enjoy' have no meaning to my programming. Decker peers at the lovely android with frustration -- and no little pain, for she is after all the exact replica of Ilia. She pays not the slightest attention to Decker's reaction, and begins walking about the Rec Deck taking in (and, clearly, transmitting all images to V'ger) the sights. They are near a game area (elec- tronic games), and now Decker points to one game, switches it on -- presses button to activate its LIGHTS and SOUNDS. "Ilia" watches interestedly as Decker operates the game. DECKER Ilia 'enjoyed' this game... she nearly always won -- And he demonstrates again, as "Ilia" steps to the device, deftly hits some buttons -- and for just an instant she turns to Decker with a momentary glimmer of recognition. 269 INT. KIRK'S CABIN - GROUP WATCHING THE MONITOR 269 McCoy watching with special interest: McCOY (approving) Good! He's using audial-visual association. But the words are not out of McCoy's mouth when "Ilia" says: "ILIA" This device serves no purpose. She steps away from the game; Decker's disappointment is evident. So is everyone elses. KIRK Damn...! McCOY (nods grimly) She needs something else: something much more personal to stimulate memory patterns. Something with a more emotional tie. Kirk reacts to this, reflective. 270 INT. REC DECK FULL ON DECKER AND "ILIA" 270 Decker waving back toward the general area of the Enterprise pictures. DECKER The crews of the previous Enterprises were also carbon units. In what way is the life form in your vessel different? "ILIA" Carbon units are not true life forms... Do those images repre- sent how Enterprise has evolved into its present form? DECKER (hoping he's struck a responsive chord) Yes. "ILIA" Carbon units have clearly retarded Enterprise's proper evolvement. DECKER (controlling surprise) What is Enterprise's proper evolvement? "ILIA" Enterprise should not require the presence of carbon units. And with this she moves off, observing other Rec Deck objects. Decker moves with her; then: DECKER (carefully) Enterprise would be unable to function without carbon units. "ILIA" More data concerning this functioning is necessary before carbon units can be patterned for data storage. 271 ACROSS "ILIA" TO DECKER 271 as he reacts to this ominous note; he stops abruptly. DECKER What does that mean? "ILIA" (stopping; almost pleasantly) When my examination is complete, the carbon units will be reduced to data patterns. This has been delivered with chilling blandness, and she stands facing Decker, almost as though waiting for him to thank her. He thinks fast now. DECKER Within you are memory patterns of a carbon unit. If I can help you revive these patterns; you could understand our functions better. "ILIA" That is logical. You may procede. 272 ON DECKER 272 realizing the difficult task ahead; the pain he will suffer. 273 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE (M) 273 The ship stationary in the chamber as now we SEE an exterior hatch sliding fully open. Up through the hatch a circular airlock door opens -- and a tiny figure in a thruster spacesuit emerges, steps into space, slowly floats down through the hatch and under the Enterprise saucer section. In this and subsequent VIEWS we will SEE that on the rear pack of his thruster spacesuit is a FLASHING STROBE LIGHT which regularly EMITS the identifying SIGNAL of this particular suit. (By which Kirk will be able to see Spock's position even from several miles away.) 274 CLOSER ON THE SPACESUITED FIGURE (M) 274 MOVING TOWARD the CAMERA until the features behind the face mask are clearly identifiable: Spock, his face set in the same grim, determined expression, as he touches his spacesuit transmitter control. SPOCK Computer, commence recording. Captain Kirk -- this message will detail my attempt to contact the aliens... 275 INT. BRIDGE 275 Kirk ENTERING, crossing Uhura as she calls: UHURA Starfleet signals, sir, growing in strength... (listening intently) They -- have Intruder on their monitors -- it's decelerating -- powerfield cloud beginning to dissipate... SULU Confirm, Captain. Lunar beacons indicate Intruder on a course into Earth orbit... CHEKOV (interrupting) Sir! Airlock four has been opened; a thruster suit is reported missing! KIRK (reacts knowingly) Spock...! (to navigator) Get a fix on his position! 276 INT. V'GER - MED. ON SPOCK 276 His features now set into an almost trance-like expres- sion as he concentrates on the thought emanations. Then we SEE his head turn, he peers off -- then he moves his thruster controls. We SEE the small blue jets of his thrusters -- his spacesuit figure begins to move off in the direction he was concentrating upon. 277 ANOTHER ANGLE - SPOCK 277 His thrusters moving him across V'ger's vast chamber then dropping down into a deep "trough"-like area which stretches into the distance ahead of him. A cloud of CRYSTAL FORMS (Kirk's entrapment) become visible to one side but Spock passes them at some dis- tance and does not attract them. We can SEE more clearly now the point on the inner wall of the trough toward which Spock is heading. It is an unusual combination of GLOWING FORCEFIELDS which seem to mark this point of the vessel as of some importance. (Here, also, we will become aware of "sensor-bee" swarms, intermittently darting toward this same wall from all points of the chamber.) 278 INT. AIRLOCK AREA 278 SHOWING Kirk in a thruster spacesuit, helmet being readied by AIRLOCK TECHNICIANS. McCoy is also here, arguing with Kirk: KIRK (from the start) ... I don't want him stopped, Bones; I want him to lead me to whatever's out there...! McCOY And if that 'whatever' has taken over his mind....? KIRK Then he'll have still led me to it, won't he? And Kirk steps into the airlock door, hits a control -- it begins sliding closed behind him. 279 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE 279 UP THROUGH the circular airlock door as it slides open -- and Kirk's tiny spacesuited figure floats down clear of the saucer. 280 CLOSER ON KIRK 280 SEEING his face through the spacesuit faceplate as he scans the darkness. SULU'S VOICE Bridge, Captain. We make Spock as 26 Mark 345 degrees off ship's axis. During which, Kirk spots something. 281 KIRK'S POV 281 Spock's STROBE blinker at a mile or so distance, nearing

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ENERGY BOLT which instantly envelopes First Security Man in a PURPLE GLOW (of implosion). Second Security Man has almost lifted his phaser -- but now carefully, slowly is moving his hand away from his weapon. 210 CLOSER - THE SECURITY MEN (O) 210 PURPLE GLOW FADES, the First Security Man has simply vanished. 210A FULL SHOT - BRIDGE 210A Chekov, like the others, horrified, flips a switch and the COMPUTER-VOICE ("Intruder Alert") goes OFF. At the same time Chekov speaks into his intercom: CHEKOV Security... do not send further teams! The Probe is sending out snake-like tendrils to the various consoles on the bridge. These tendrils lash out in a cobra-strike movement, the tendril-head seeming to enter into the console affected -- at which time all monitors and instrument lights there come ON as if the Probe is "reading" each console function. The crew carefully stays clear of the tendrils. Spock has risen, moving to Kirk's side as he slowly brings his tricorder up, very carefully extracting its tiny sensor and aiming it at the probe. CHEKOV (shaken) No intruder readings on other decks, Captain... (to Spock) Can that be one of their crew? SPOCK (quiet) A probe from their vessel... (to Kirk) A plasma-energy combination... Meanwhile, the probe is now hovering near Chekov who sits frozen, fists clenched, jaw tight. DECKER Don't interfere with it...! CHEKOV Absolutely, I will not interfere! 210B ANGLE INCLUDING SPOCK'S CONSOLE (O) 210B as the "probe" withdraws an energy-tendril from one bridge station and "inserts" it into another console. KIRK No one interfere...! It doesn't seem interested in us -- only the ship...! Kirk's words are never completed as suddenly all the energy tendrils withdraw from all consoles and a larger, more powerful-looking tendril lashes out, snaking into the science console complex. 210C CLOSER ON SCIENCE CONSOLE 210C Where, also immediately, all the console and computer lights are suddenly flashing wildly, rapidly -- -- There is an incredibly fast EXCHANGE OF HIGH-PITCHED BEES -- the computer obviously in unauthorized commu- nication with the probe! KIRK Computer off! DECKER It's taken control of the computer...! KIRK It's running our records! Starfleet strength, Earth defenses... As Decker moves to the main power control, Spock now steps in, his Vulcan strength easily brushing Kirk and Decker aside. Spock clasps his fists above his head, brings it down in a SHATTERING BLOW on the console. It splits open! As the bridge lights dim even more, and as the science console shorts itself out -- and off, Decker confronts Spock: DECKER We could have cut it off at the main computer... SPOCK This served the purpose. Kirk has been giving Spock a puzzled look -- Spock now turns abruptly, and: 210D ANOTHER ANGLE (O) 210D as Spock, in stepping back, accidentally brushes the probe's energy tendril -- a FLASH OF LIGHT at the contact point sends Spock sinning under the rail and to the floor near Ilia. The probe's energy-tendril has withdrawn from the darkened science console, hov- ers high over the dazed Spock as if angrily seeking the reason for the break in its computer contact. Spock starts to rise. ILIA Mr. Spock, don't move...! Decker steps toward her, AD LIBBING a grim "Ilia...!" But he has no chance as: 211 OMITTED 211 - - 219 219 220 CLOSER ON ILIA (O) 220 The Probe hovers over her, its whole mass seemingly about to envelope her with a single tendril extended toward her, somehow freezing her into immobility - and then the entire Probe DISSOLVES IN A BLINDING FLASH OF WHITE, obscuring Ilia. Almost instantly the WHITE FLASH FADES -- but Ilia has vanished -- her tricorder clattering to the deck. 221 OMITTED 221 222 ACROSS THE NAVIGATOR'S STATION TO KIRK AND DECKER 222 helpless, shocked, gazing at the place Ilia was -- but which is now empty. DECKER (to Kirk, quiet fury) This is how I define unwarranted! And almost at the same moment a new BRIDGE ALARM SIGNAL. 223 OMITTED 223 - - 232 232 233 The ALARM still sounding as from the giant alien ves- 233 sel, we SEE STRANGE, OPAQUE ENERGY PATTERNS STREAKING TOWARD US. Kirk vaults to the command chair, lunges for controls, as Decker races to the weapons-defense console. DECKER (voice amplified) The ship is under attack...! Man all defensive stations...! KIRK Forcefields, full remaining strength...! Total reserve! Appropriate ALARM KLAXONS, and COMPUTER VOICES begin SOUNDING, and all this is lost in a SUDDEN SHRILLING SOUND (a constant, high-pitched tone). For a moment the energy patterns are prominent on the viewer -- and then the PATTERNS VANISHED and the SHRILL SOUND FADES -- and: 234 FAVOR THE VIEWER (O) 234 showing V'ger GROWING RAPIDLY IN SIZE. The Enterprise is being pulled along the length of the big ship, toward its "prow." SPOCK Captain, we have been seized by a tractor beam...! KIRK (to Decker) Get someone up here to take the Navigator's station...! (into intercom) Engineering... full emergency power! DECKER (into intercom) Chief Difalco to the bridge; on the double! 234A ENGINEERING 234A in a state of controlled chaos, all personnel at their stations, the Engine CORE GLOWING. Scott is working his controls, speaking into the intercom: SCOTT Going to full emergency... (studying readings) But Captain, if we don't break free in fifteen seconds, she'll burn up... 234B INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING SPOCK 234B as Spock studies his readings, and: SPOCK We cannot break free, Captain. (indicates monitors) We do not have a fraction of the power necessary. KIRK (into intercom) Delay that order, Scotty...! Disengage all main drive systems! Spock peers in deep concentration at the Main Viewer, trying to sense some clue. Kirk glances at him another moment, then turns to the Main Viewer himself, watches in frustrated helplessness. 235 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE BEING PULLED TOWARD V'GER (S) 235 the starship being pulled toward the giant as though on a taut cable. As we MOVE CLOSER, we SEE still more intricate details of the incredible Alien design. 236 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 236 as Difalco arrives on the run, and Decker AD LIBS to her, "Assume Navigator's station, Chief...!" Difalco, bewildered, wants to ask what happened, but no time, and she quickly sits at the post, begins orienting herself. Meanwhile, Decker has begun an Executive Officer's bridge circuit, assisting with various con- soles. Kirk is glancing toward Spock who continues concentrating on the Viewer, striving to comprehend the myriad of thoughts he is sensing from he Aliens. McCoy also arrives on the bridge, takes in the chaotic scene, watches the Viewer grimly. 237 OMITTED 237 - - 238 238 239 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER (S) 239 At the forward end of the giant, an odd-shapped "iris" begins opening menacingly. And it is frighteningly obvious that the tractor beam is pulling the Enterprise to the opening. 240 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 240 showing the unusual "iris" now almost fully open as Enterprise is drawn closer, closer -- through the "iris" we now SEE (some of) V'ger's interior: a dark void relieved only by strange flickering glows of dis- tant ENERGY FIELD PATTERNS. The crew reacts with understandable awe, apprehension, curiosity, as: DECKER Captain, suggest a maximum phaser strike directly at the beam might weaken it just enough for us to break free -- Spock replies for Kirk: quickly, as though to make his point convincingly: SPOCK Break free to where, Commander...? (to Kirk) Any show of resistance would not only be futile, Catain... 240XA ACROSS SPOCK TO KIRK (DECKER AND McCOY IN B.G.) 240XA as Kirk reacts somewhat curiously to Spock's remark, but it is Decker who articulates it: DECKER (troubled; suspicious) We don't know that, Mr. Spock. Why are you opposed to trying? Before Spock can reply: UHURA They're pulling us inside...! All face the Viewer again, react, with McCoy who has been observing all these reactions now galvanized into action: McCOY (to Chekov) Medical observers to all decks! And he hurries toward the elevators, CAMERA WITH HIM a moment, then SWINGING BACK TO: 240A PAST KIRK TO VIEWER (O) 240A Kirk staring at the viewer -- the "iris" now fully open so that the exterior of V'ger is no longer visible -- and all we can SEE is the monstrous void dead ahead, which is looming faster and larger before our eyes. And now we are inside. 241 OMITTED 241 - - 243 243 244 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER - AT THE "IRIS" (S) 244 Enterprise now being pulled past the opening -- into the ship proper. Now we can SEE that the dark void is actually a vast chamber, dimly and intermittently lit by POWERFIELDS appearing and vanishing along the vessel's inner walls, which are miles away in the distance. And here and there in the chamber gigantic ENERGY DISPLAYS erupt briefly with a certain symmetry that suggests they must be part of V'ger's ower or control systems. 245 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 245 Kirk peering awed at the Viewer, the incredible sight of the chamber -- suddenly glances up to see that Spock is standing beside him -- Decker nearby, turns to Spock: DECKER (to Spock) Why bring us inside? Not to destroy us; they could have done that outside. KIRK They could have many ways of destroying things, Mr. Decker. SPOCK (peering at Viewer) Something about us puzzles them... perhaps even concerns them. 245A ANGLE ON UHURA 245A Reacting to a console reading: UHURA Captain, photic-sonar readings indicate the aperture is closing; we're trapped, sir...! 246 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE ENTERING V'GER (S) 246 The starship is pulled inside, the "iris" is closing behind it. 247 INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING THE VIEWER (O) 247 The viewer image changing from the huge dark chamber, rear angle shot, showing the "iris" closing. SULU Reverse angle on the viewer, Captain. On the viewer the final glimmer from exterior space as the "iris" closes completely. 248 REACTIONS 248 All eyes on the viewer, CAMERA FINDING ONE FACE AFTER ANOTHER, the reality of the situation etched into each face. Then: 248A FAVORING KIRK 248A As Spock turns from a reading: SPOCK The tractor beam has released us, Captain. DIFALCO Confirmed: Vessel is floating free. No forward momentum. KIRK Viewer ahead. SULU Viewer ahead, sir. 248B INSERT - MAIN VIEWER 248B Ahead, the cavernous interior of V'ger. 248C BACK TO SHOT 248C Kirk eying the main viewer -- Decker watching Kirk. KIRK Maneuvering thrusters, Mr. Sulu; ahead one third. (to Spock) Full sensor scan, Mr. Spock; they can't expect us not to look them over now! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters ahead, one third. SPOCK (manipulating controls) Commencing sensor scans. Kirk rises, goes to Spock's station. 249 INT. V'GER ENTRANCE CHAMBER - ENTERPRISE (S) 249 The Enterprise moving slowly forward in this vastness, its running lights merely specks of light, candles in the darkness. In the distance those occasional ERUPT- ING POWER DISPLAYS in distant locations, sizes, shapes and patterns. 250 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING MAIN VIEWER (O) 250 showing another persective of the above, and further away GLOWING ENERGY FIELDS dimly illuminating the alien ship's walls -- miles away. Strange semi--solid LIGHT SHAPES (some are "sensor-bee" swarms) traverse the dark- ness in random directions. But in the distance ahead, there seems to be an opening to another chamber. SULU (of Viewer) Something ahead, sir; looks like another area... (reacts) It's closing up...! Sulu is indicating what appears to be a lace-bulwark of POWERFIELD PATTERNS closing off the "chamber" in the distance ahead. Kirk, from the Science Station calls out: KIRK Hold station...! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters at station keeping... 251 ANGLE EMPHASIZING SPOCK 251 at his Science consoles, working rapidly, shifting from one set of controls to another. Now he hits a master control -- his console monitors FLASH, then go dark. SPOCK Captain... Spock brings a monitor IMAGE ON again, indicates a (Povill) pattern showing a line hitting something, then reversing direction. SPOCK (continuing) All scans are being reflected back, Captain. Our sensors are useless. 251A ACROSS THEM TO THE MAIN VIEWER 251A Kirk reacts with disappointment, indicates the main viewer. KIRK Have you been able to analyze any of this...? SPOCK (voice increasingly reverential) I believe the light flares to be energy fields -- undoubtedly part of the vessel's inner mechanism. A technology so incredibly sophisticated that I cannot -- COMPUTER VOICE (overlapping) Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert..! (continues) 252 OMITTED 252 - - 253 253 254 ANGLE ON CHEKOV 254 Reacting to a console reading: CHEKOV Deck four, Captain; Officers' Quarters...! KIRK (to Chekov) Have a security team meet me at Deck Four main elevator! A moment's reaction from all at this, Kirk hurrying toward elevator, calling: KIRK (continuing) Take the conn, Mr. Decker: Hold present position... (gesturing Spock to join him) Spock... And Spock rises, joins Kirk and they hurriedly exit, the CAMERA SWINGING BACK to Decker, his perplexed con- cern (because of Ilia). 254A INT. ILIA'S CABIN - THE SONIC SHOWER 254A Where we SEE, behind the translucent stall door, what is unmistakably the form of the NUDE FEMALE. 255 INT. ILIA'S CABIN - KIRK 255 entering, Spock slightly behind him - and one Security Guard. Kirk glances around the room, now glances at the shower area and reacts as he sees the NAKED FORM. The others react similarly, even Spock cannot help re- pressing an expression of surprise. A moment's uncer- tainty as Kirk peers at them, then he steps to the stall door, hesitates another instant -- then slides the door open. (NOTE: Arrange lighting for bizarre, mysterious effect.) Kirk's eyes cannot believe what he is seeing: 255A "ILIA" 255A standing in the sonic mist, naked but for a small multi-colored button embedded in her throat. As she looks at Kirk -- and the others -- the men peer back at her, speechless. "ILIA" I have been programmed by V'ger to observe and record normal functioning of the carbon-based units infesting USS ENTERPRISE. Kirk peers at her another nonplussed moment, then leans into the shower to touch a control, his eyes fixed on the lovely body behind the mist. He punches in a three digit code. Immediately a HUMMING SOUND emanates from the shower stall, Kirk closing the door, but 'Ilia" remaining inside. 256 ACROSS KIRK AND THE OTHERS TO THE SHOWER STALL 256 The HUMMING SOUND just now reaching a gentle crescendo -- through the translucent door you can see COLORS ENVELOPING "ILIA'S" FORM. And now the SOUND STOPS. "Ilia", attired in a leisure robe, steps from the stall, into the room. She stands facing Kirk, her face impas- sive, eyes unblinking. He looks her back a moment, then glances at Spock, who is gazing at "Ilia" in abso- lute fascination. Kirk addresses her: KIRK Who is...'V'ger'...? "ILIA" V'ger is that which programmed me. KIRK Is V'ger the Captain of the alien vessel? 256A ANGLE ON THE DOOR - McCOY 256A rushing in, concerned: McCOY Jim, what's -- At the sight of 'Ilia", McCoy's words die in his throat -- and his trained eyes have instantly told him some- thing is awry. He unslings his tricorder, aims the sensor unit at "Ilia". As he reads his instruments, his face reveals the results (incredulity, fascination). Meanwhile, from the start: "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. McCOY (of "Ilia") Jim, this is a mechanism...! Kirk stares at McCoy, then at "Ilia" and realizes that "Ilia" is indeed non-human. And quickly: KIRK Where is Lt. Ilia? "ILIA" That unit no longer functions. I have been given its form to more readily communicate with the carbon-based units infesting Enterprise. SECURITY GUARD "Carbon-based units"...? McCOY (drily) Humans, Ensign Lang: us. (continues tricorder exam, increasingly impressed) KIRK (to "Ilia") Why does V'ger travel to the third planet of the solar system directly ahead? "ILIA" V'ger travels to the third planet to find the Creator. Stunned, disbelieving reactions as all four attempt to digest this -- Spock gazing at "Ilia" with even more rapt fascination. Kirk, bewildered, addresses the others: KIRK Find the Creator? What Creator? Whose...!? (to "Ilia") What does V'ger want of the 'Creator'... ? "ILIA" To join with him. 256B FAVORING SPOCK 256B suddenly alert, addressing "Ilia": SPOCK Join with the Creator... ? How? "ILIA" V'ger and the Creator will become One. SPOCK Who is the Creator? McCOY (worried) Mr. Spock, be careful. "ILIA" The Creator is that which created V'ger. KIRK Who is V'ger? "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. Another moment of total exasperation, frustration, during which "Ilia" seems to be waiting politely, patiently for any further questions. When none are forthcoming: "ILIA" (continuing; pleasant, bland) I am ready to commence my observations. SPOCK (fast; to McCoy) Doctor, a thorough examination of this probe might provide some insight into those who manufactured it, and how to deal with them. McCOY Let's get her to sickbay. And he grasps "Ilia's" arm to escort her. But is as though he has seized cast iron: immovable. McCoy is thrown off balance merely by 'Ilia's" remaining sta- tionary. She ignores McCoy, addresses Kirk: "ILIA" I am programmed to observe and record normal functioning procedures of the carbon-based units. 256B Kirk glances at McCoy, who is totally bemused, but then 256B Kirk quickly responds to "Ilia": KIRK The examination is a normal function. "ILIA" (a beat) You may proceede. McCOY (carefully) Thank you. 257 CLOSE SHOT OF EXAMINING ROOM VIEWER (O) 257 scanning a "body". PULL BACK TO SHOW McCoy, Chapel, Kirk, Spock and Chekov -- standing over "ILIA" who lies prone on the table, the physicians moving the scanner over her. McCOY (from the start; indicating) ... micro-miniature hydraulics, sensors, molecule-sized multi- processor chips... and look at this... In the b.g., Decker enters, grimly observes the proceed- ings. CHAPEL (impressed) An osmotic micro-pump... here and here. Even the smallest body functions are exactly duplicated. (traces with finger on screen) And every exocrine system is here, too -- Chapel breaks off abruptly, noticing "Ilia" is peering intently -- almost with a glimmer of recognition -- at Decker. Slightly disconcerted, Chapel continues: CHAPEL (continuing) -- even eye moisture. "ILIA" (peering at Decker) Deck -- er. 257A FAVORING SPOCK 257A as everyone reacts to "Ilia's" utterance of Decker's name. It seems to make the deepest impression on Spock, confirming something he has suspected. SPOCK (to "Ilia") Interesting. Not 'Decker-unit'? "Ilia" continues peering at Decker with just a hint of a puzzled frown, a glimmer of distant recognition. It's the first time we've seen her expression look anything but cool and bland. This results in the quizzical rising of one of Spock's eyebrows. 258 ANOTHER ANGLE 258 McCoy's examination now turns "Ilia" away from the others. Spock quickly catches Kirk's and Decker's attention, indicates an adjoining door -- they fol- low him out of the room. 259 INT. McCOY'S OFFICE 259 as Kirk, Spock and Decker enter, the door snapping shut -- and Spock touching the electronic lock to secure them. He faces the others: SPOCK Captain... this probe may be a key a key to the Aliens. DECKER It's a programmed mechanism, Mr. Spock... SPOCK We have just seen that its body duplicates our navigator in precise detail. Suppose that beneath its programming, the real Ilia's memory patterns are duplicated with equal precision. KIRK They had a pattern to follow... SPOCK (nods) ... they may have followed it too precisely. KIRK (comprehending) Ilia's memory, her feelings of loyalty, friendship, obedience... might all be there. 259A ANGLE ON DECKER 259A also comprehending, and not liking it one bit as Spock and Kirk are both turning their attention to him. SPOCK Exactly. (to Decker) And you did have a 'relationship' with Lieutenant Ilia, Commander. DECKER That probe in there -- in a different form now -- is the same thing that killed Ilia! KIRK Commander, we're locked in an alien vessel, six hours from Earth orbit, our only contact with our captors is the probe. If we can control it, persuade it, use it in some way... Interrupted by the SOUND of someone trying to open the locked door behind them. Then a METAL RIPPING SOUND as they whirl to see: 260 MEDICAL OFFICE DOOR 260 with the METAL BUCKLING, TEARING -- and a single hand slicing the steel door like paper. It is the "Ilia" probe, her face absolutely impassive, her whole manner incongruously benign. (Behind her, a startled McCoy, Chapel and Chekov.) "Ilia" speaks flatly, blandly. "ILIA" I have recorded enough here. (motions to Kirk) You will now assist me further. Kirk exchanges a quick glance with Spock. Then: KIRK (indicating Decker) The Decker-unit can assist you with much greater efficiency... "Ilia" has seemed about to object -- but now her eyes hold on Decker. Then she nods. KIRK (continuing) Carry on with your assignment, Mr. Decker. 260A ANOTHER ANGLE - ACROSS DECKER TO THE SMASHED DOOR 260A (AND "ILIA") as Decker looks at "Ilia" who stands at the torn door. You can read Decker's mind: I'm supposed to persuade that?! He turns back, finds Kirk's eyes on him. Decker nods. DECKER Aye, sir. "Ilia" and a reluctant Decker EXIT. 260B EMPHASIZING SPOCK 260B looking very troubled as they watch Decker and "Ilia" leave. Kirk notices. KIRK Spock? Concerned about his chances? SPOCK I am uneasy with that being our only hope of more information. Spock EXITS. 261 INT. V'GER - THE ENTERPRISE 261 floating in the vast, eerie, alien chamber -- sporadic FLASHES OF ENERGY, erupting now and then. Various other EFFECTS. OVER this, Kirk's VOICE: KIRK (V.O.) Captain's Log. Stardate 7414.1. Our best estimates place us some four hours from Earth. No significant Ilia memory patterns within the alien probe. This remains our only means of contact with our captor. 262 INT. ENTERPRISE AIRLOCK AREA 262 The area dimly lit -- unoccupied but for a lone AIRLOCK TECHNICIAN checking and adjusting instruments. The CAMERA MOVES PAST him to FIND: 263 SPOCK 263 His face fixed with grim determination, walking quietly with obvious intent not to attract the Tech's attention. Now he steals up behind the TECH -- and in an instant has applied a Vulcan nerve pinch. The Tech slumps over his console. 264 INT KIRK'S CABIN - VIEWER MONITOR 264 Showing a CLOSE SHOT of ENTERPRISE PICTURES, then PULL BACK SLIGHTLY for an IMAGE of Decker and "Ilia" walk- ing through the Rec Deck. PULL BACK FURTHER TO SHOW Kirk watching this -- and with him is McCoy. They continue watching a troubled beat, as: DECKER (of pictures) All these vessels were called "Enterprise". "Ilia" is giving the pictures a very interested look as we HEAR in Kirk's cabin: UHURA'S INTERCOM VOICE (controlled excitement) Bridge to Captain... 265 OMITTED 265 266 INT. BRIDGE - UHURA'S STATION (SCIENCE STATION IN 266 B.G.) Uhura at her console, struggling to hear the signal. KIRK'S INTERCOM VOICE Kirk here. In the b.g., Spock's station a MAINTENANCE TEAM is replacing the broken Science Station computer. (Spock is conspicuously absent.) UHURA A faint signal from Starfleet, sir. They have the intruder on their monitors... (struggling to hear) They show us... three hours... twenty-four minutes from Earth! KIRK'S VOICE (thru intercom) Thank you. 267 INT. RECREATION DECK 267 Decker and "Ilia", the Rec Deck unoccupied but for a pair of wary SECURITY GUARDS at a very discreet dis- tance. They are near the pictures of the five Enter- prises, which should be FEATURED in this SHOT, as Decker waves his hand about the huge room. DECKER The carbon units use this area for recreation... (carefully) What type of recreation does the crew aboard your vessel enjoy...? 268 CLOSER TWO SHOT (PICTURES O.S.) 268 As "Ilia" moves on into the room, Decker follows: "ILIA" The words 'recreation' and 'enjoy' have no meaning to my programming. Decker peers at the lovely android with frustration -- and no little pain, for she is after all the exact replica of Ilia. She pays not the slightest attention to Decker's reaction, and begins walking about the Rec Deck taking in (and, clearly, transmitting all images to V'ger) the sights. They are near a game area (elec- tronic games), and now Decker points to one game, switches it on -- presses button to activate its LIGHTS and SOUNDS. "Ilia" watches interestedly as Decker operates the game. DECKER Ilia 'enjoyed' this game... she nearly always won -- And he demonstrates again, as "Ilia" steps to the device, deftly hits some buttons -- and for just an instant she turns to Decker with a momentary glimmer of recognition. 269 INT. KIRK'S CABIN - GROUP WATCHING THE MONITOR 269 McCoy watching with special interest: McCOY (approving) Good! He's using audial-visual association. But the words are not out of McCoy's mouth when "Ilia" says: "ILIA" This device serves no purpose. She steps away from the game; Decker's disappointment is evident. So is everyone elses. KIRK Damn...! McCOY (nods grimly) She needs something else: something much more personal to stimulate memory patterns. Something with a more emotional tie. Kirk reacts to this, reflective. 270 INT. REC DECK FULL ON DECKER AND "ILIA" 270 Decker waving back toward the general area of the Enterprise pictures. DECKER The crews of the previous Enterprises were also carbon units. In what way is the life form in your vessel different? "ILIA" Carbon units are not true life forms... Do those images repre- sent how Enterprise has evolved into its present form? DECKER (hoping he's struck a responsive chord) Yes. "ILIA" Carbon units have clearly retarded Enterprise's proper evolvement. DECKER (controlling surprise) What is Enterprise's proper evolvement? "ILIA" Enterprise should not require the presence of carbon units. And with this she moves off, observing other Rec Deck objects. Decker moves with her; then: DECKER (carefully) Enterprise would be unable to function without carbon units. "ILIA" More data concerning this functioning is necessary before carbon units can be patterned for data storage. 271 ACROSS "ILIA" TO DECKER 271 as he reacts to this ominous note; he stops abruptly. DECKER What does that mean? "ILIA" (stopping; almost pleasantly) When my examination is complete, the carbon units will be reduced to data patterns. This has been delivered with chilling blandness, and she stands facing Decker, almost as though waiting for him to thank her. He thinks fast now. DECKER Within you are memory patterns of a carbon unit. If I can help you revive these patterns; you could understand our functions better. "ILIA" That is logical. You may procede. 272 ON DECKER 272 realizing the difficult task ahead; the pain he will suffer. 273 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE (M) 273 The ship stationary in the chamber as now we SEE an exterior hatch sliding fully open. Up through the hatch a circular airlock door opens -- and a tiny figure in a thruster spacesuit emerges, steps into space, slowly floats down through the hatch and under the Enterprise saucer section. In this and subsequent VIEWS we will SEE that on the rear pack of his thruster spacesuit is a FLASHING STROBE LIGHT which regularly EMITS the identifying SIGNAL of this particular suit. (By which Kirk will be able to see Spock's position even from several miles away.) 274 CLOSER ON THE SPACESUITED FIGURE (M) 274 MOVING TOWARD the CAMERA until the features behind the face mask are clearly identifiable: Spock, his face set in the same grim, determined expression, as he touches his spacesuit transmitter control. SPOCK Computer, commence recording. Captain Kirk -- this message will detail my attempt to contact the aliens... 275 INT. BRIDGE 275 Kirk ENTERING, crossing Uhura as she calls: UHURA Starfleet signals, sir, growing in strength... (listening intently) They -- have Intruder on their monitors -- it's decelerating -- powerfield cloud beginning to dissipate... SULU Confirm, Captain. Lunar beacons indicate Intruder on a course into Earth orbit... CHEKOV (interrupting) Sir! Airlock four has been opened; a thruster suit is reported missing! KIRK (reacts knowingly) Spock...! (to navigator) Get a fix on his position! 276 INT. V'GER - MED. ON SPOCK 276 His features now set into an almost trance-like expres- sion as he concentrates on the thought emanations. Then we SEE his head turn, he peers off -- then he moves his thruster controls. We SEE the small blue jets of his thrusters -- his spacesuit figure begins to move off in the direction he was concentrating upon. 277 ANOTHER ANGLE - SPOCK 277 His thrusters moving him across V'ger's vast chamber then dropping down into a deep "trough"-like area which stretches into the distance ahead of him. A cloud of CRYSTAL FORMS (Kirk's entrapment) become visible to one side but Spock passes them at some dis- tance and does not attract them. We can SEE more clearly now the point on the inner wall of the trough toward which Spock is heading. It is an unusual combination of GLOWING FORCEFIELDS which seem to mark this point of the vessel as of some importance. (Here, also, we will become aware of "sensor-bee" swarms, intermittently darting toward this same wall from all points of the chamber.) 278 INT. AIRLOCK AREA 278 SHOWING Kirk in a thruster spacesuit, helmet being readied by AIRLOCK TECHNICIANS. McCoy is also here, arguing with Kirk: KIRK (from the start) ... I don't want him stopped, Bones; I want him to lead me to whatever's out there...! McCOY And if that 'whatever' has taken over his mind....? KIRK Then he'll have still led me to it, won't he? And Kirk steps into the airlock door, hits a control -- it begins sliding closed behind him. 279 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE 279 UP THROUGH the circular airlock door as it slides open -- and Kirk's tiny spacesuited figure floats down clear of the saucer. 280 CLOSER ON KIRK 280 SEEING his face through the spacesuit faceplate as he scans the darkness. SULU'S VOICE Bridge, Captain. We make Spock as 26 Mark 345 degrees off ship's axis. During which, Kirk spots something. 281 KIRK'S POV 281 Spock's STROBE blinker at a mile or so distance, nearing

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ENERGY BOLT which instantly envelopes First Security Man in a PURPLE GLOW (of implosion). Second Security Man has almost lifted his phaser -- but now carefully, slowly is moving his hand away from his weapon. 210 CLOSER - THE SECURITY MEN (O) 210 PURPLE GLOW FADES, the First Security Man has simply vanished. 210A FULL SHOT - BRIDGE 210A Chekov, like the others, horrified, flips a switch and the COMPUTER-VOICE ("Intruder Alert") goes OFF. At the same time Chekov speaks into his intercom: CHEKOV Security... do not send further teams! The Probe is sending out snake-like tendrils to the various consoles on the bridge. These tendrils lash out in a cobra-strike movement, the tendril-head seeming to enter into the console affected -- at which time all monitors and instrument lights there come ON as if the Probe is "reading" each console function. The crew carefully stays clear of the tendrils. Spock has risen, moving to Kirk's side as he slowly brings his tricorder up, very carefully extracting its tiny sensor and aiming it at the probe. CHEKOV (shaken) No intruder readings on other decks, Captain... (to Spock) Can that be one of their crew? SPOCK (quiet) A probe from their vessel... (to Kirk) A plasma-energy combination... Meanwhile, the probe is now hovering near Chekov who sits frozen, fists clenched, jaw tight. DECKER Don't interfere with it...! CHEKOV Absolutely, I will not interfere! 210B ANGLE INCLUDING SPOCK'S CONSOLE (O) 210B as the "probe" withdraws an energy-tendril from one bridge station and "inserts" it into another console. KIRK No one interfere...! It doesn't seem interested in us -- only the ship...! Kirk's words are never completed as suddenly all the energy tendrils withdraw from all consoles and a larger, more powerful-looking tendril lashes out, snaking into the science console complex. 210C CLOSER ON SCIENCE CONSOLE 210C Where, also immediately, all the console and computer lights are suddenly flashing wildly, rapidly -- -- There is an incredibly fast EXCHANGE OF HIGH-PITCHED BEES -- the computer obviously in unauthorized commu- nication with the probe! KIRK Computer off! DECKER It's taken control of the computer...! KIRK It's running our records! Starfleet strength, Earth defenses... As Decker moves to the main power control, Spock now steps in, his Vulcan strength easily brushing Kirk and Decker aside. Spock clasps his fists above his head, brings it down in a SHATTERING BLOW on the console. It splits open! As the bridge lights dim even more, and as the science console shorts itself out -- and off, Decker confronts Spock: DECKER We could have cut it off at the main computer... SPOCK This served the purpose. Kirk has been giving Spock a puzzled look -- Spock now turns abruptly, and: 210D ANOTHER ANGLE (O) 210D as Spock, in stepping back, accidentally brushes the probe's energy tendril -- a FLASH OF LIGHT at the contact point sends Spock sinning under the rail and to the floor near Ilia. The probe's energy-tendril has withdrawn from the darkened science console, hov- ers high over the dazed Spock as if angrily seeking the reason for the break in its computer contact. Spock starts to rise. ILIA Mr. Spock, don't move...! Decker steps toward her, AD LIBBING a grim "Ilia...!" But he has no chance as: 211 OMITTED 211 - - 219 219 220 CLOSER ON ILIA (O) 220 The Probe hovers over her, its whole mass seemingly about to envelope her with a single tendril extended toward her, somehow freezing her into immobility - and then the entire Probe DISSOLVES IN A BLINDING FLASH OF WHITE, obscuring Ilia. Almost instantly the WHITE FLASH FADES -- but Ilia has vanished -- her tricorder clattering to the deck. 221 OMITTED 221 222 ACROSS THE NAVIGATOR'S STATION TO KIRK AND DECKER 222 helpless, shocked, gazing at the place Ilia was -- but which is now empty. DECKER (to Kirk, quiet fury) This is how I define unwarranted! And almost at the same moment a new BRIDGE ALARM SIGNAL. 223 OMITTED 223 - - 232 232 233 The ALARM still sounding as from the giant alien ves- 233 sel, we SEE STRANGE, OPAQUE ENERGY PATTERNS STREAKING TOWARD US. Kirk vaults to the command chair, lunges for controls, as Decker races to the weapons-defense console. DECKER (voice amplified) The ship is under attack...! Man all defensive stations...! KIRK Forcefields, full remaining strength...! Total reserve! Appropriate ALARM KLAXONS, and COMPUTER VOICES begin SOUNDING, and all this is lost in a SUDDEN SHRILLING SOUND (a constant, high-pitched tone). For a moment the energy patterns are prominent on the viewer -- and then the PATTERNS VANISHED and the SHRILL SOUND FADES -- and: 234 FAVOR THE VIEWER (O) 234 showing V'ger GROWING RAPIDLY IN SIZE. The Enterprise is being pulled along the length of the big ship, toward its "prow." SPOCK Captain, we have been seized by a tractor beam...! KIRK (to Decker) Get someone up here to take the Navigator's station...! (into intercom) Engineering... full emergency power! DECKER (into intercom) Chief Difalco to the bridge; on the double! 234A ENGINEERING 234A in a state of controlled chaos, all personnel at their stations, the Engine CORE GLOWING. Scott is working his controls, speaking into the intercom: SCOTT Going to full emergency... (studying readings) But Captain, if we don't break free in fifteen seconds, she'll burn up... 234B INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING SPOCK 234B as Spock studies his readings, and: SPOCK We cannot break free, Captain. (indicates monitors) We do not have a fraction of the power necessary. KIRK (into intercom) Delay that order, Scotty...! Disengage all main drive systems! Spock peers in deep concentration at the Main Viewer, trying to sense some clue. Kirk glances at him another moment, then turns to the Main Viewer himself, watches in frustrated helplessness. 235 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE BEING PULLED TOWARD V'GER (S) 235 the starship being pulled toward the giant as though on a taut cable. As we MOVE CLOSER, we SEE still more intricate details of the incredible Alien design. 236 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 236 as Difalco arrives on the run, and Decker AD LIBS to her, "Assume Navigator's station, Chief...!" Difalco, bewildered, wants to ask what happened, but no time, and she quickly sits at the post, begins orienting herself. Meanwhile, Decker has begun an Executive Officer's bridge circuit, assisting with various con- soles. Kirk is glancing toward Spock who continues concentrating on the Viewer, striving to comprehend the myriad of thoughts he is sensing from he Aliens. McCoy also arrives on the bridge, takes in the chaotic scene, watches the Viewer grimly. 237 OMITTED 237 - - 238 238 239 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER (S) 239 At the forward end of the giant, an odd-shapped "iris" begins opening menacingly. And it is frighteningly obvious that the tractor beam is pulling the Enterprise to the opening. 240 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 240 showing the unusual "iris" now almost fully open as Enterprise is drawn closer, closer -- through the "iris" we now SEE (some of) V'ger's interior: a dark void relieved only by strange flickering glows of dis- tant ENERGY FIELD PATTERNS. The crew reacts with understandable awe, apprehension, curiosity, as: DECKER Captain, suggest a maximum phaser strike directly at the beam might weaken it just enough for us to break free -- Spock replies for Kirk: quickly, as though to make his point convincingly: SPOCK Break free to where, Commander...? (to Kirk) Any show of resistance would not only be futile, Catain... 240XA ACROSS SPOCK TO KIRK (DECKER AND McCOY IN B.G.) 240XA as Kirk reacts somewhat curiously to Spock's remark, but it is Decker who articulates it: DECKER (troubled; suspicious) We don't know that, Mr. Spock. Why are you opposed to trying? Before Spock can reply: UHURA They're pulling us inside...! All face the Viewer again, react, with McCoy who has been observing all these reactions now galvanized into action: McCOY (to Chekov) Medical observers to all decks! And he hurries toward the elevators, CAMERA WITH HIM a moment, then SWINGING BACK TO: 240A PAST KIRK TO VIEWER (O) 240A Kirk staring at the viewer -- the "iris" now fully open so that the exterior of V'ger is no longer visible -- and all we can SEE is the monstrous void dead ahead, which is looming faster and larger before our eyes. And now we are inside. 241 OMITTED 241 - - 243 243 244 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER - AT THE "IRIS" (S) 244 Enterprise now being pulled past the opening -- into the ship proper. Now we can SEE that the dark void is actually a vast chamber, dimly and intermittently lit by POWERFIELDS appearing and vanishing along the vessel's inner walls, which are miles away in the distance. And here and there in the chamber gigantic ENERGY DISPLAYS erupt briefly with a certain symmetry that suggests they must be part of V'ger's ower or control systems. 245 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 245 Kirk peering awed at the Viewer, the incredible sight of the chamber -- suddenly glances up to see that Spock is standing beside him -- Decker nearby, turns to Spock: DECKER (to Spock) Why bring us inside? Not to destroy us; they could have done that outside. KIRK They could have many ways of destroying things, Mr. Decker. SPOCK (peering at Viewer) Something about us puzzles them... perhaps even concerns them. 245A ANGLE ON UHURA 245A Reacting to a console reading: UHURA Captain, photic-sonar readings indicate the aperture is closing; we're trapped, sir...! 246 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE ENTERING V'GER (S) 246 The starship is pulled inside, the "iris" is closing behind it. 247 INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING THE VIEWER (O) 247 The viewer image changing from the huge dark chamber, rear angle shot, showing the "iris" closing. SULU Reverse angle on the viewer, Captain. On the viewer the final glimmer from exterior space as the "iris" closes completely. 248 REACTIONS 248 All eyes on the viewer, CAMERA FINDING ONE FACE AFTER ANOTHER, the reality of the situation etched into each face. Then: 248A FAVORING KIRK 248A As Spock turns from a reading: SPOCK The tractor beam has released us, Captain. DIFALCO Confirmed: Vessel is floating free. No forward momentum. KIRK Viewer ahead. SULU Viewer ahead, sir. 248B INSERT - MAIN VIEWER 248B Ahead, the cavernous interior of V'ger. 248C BACK TO SHOT 248C Kirk eying the main viewer -- Decker watching Kirk. KIRK Maneuvering thrusters, Mr. Sulu; ahead one third. (to Spock) Full sensor scan, Mr. Spock; they can't expect us not to look them over now! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters ahead, one third. SPOCK (manipulating controls) Commencing sensor scans. Kirk rises, goes to Spock's station. 249 INT. V'GER ENTRANCE CHAMBER - ENTERPRISE (S) 249 The Enterprise moving slowly forward in this vastness, its running lights merely specks of light, candles in the darkness. In the distance those occasional ERUPT- ING POWER DISPLAYS in distant locations, sizes, shapes and patterns. 250 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING MAIN VIEWER (O) 250 showing another persective of the above, and further away GLOWING ENERGY FIELDS dimly illuminating the alien ship's walls -- miles away. Strange semi--solid LIGHT SHAPES (some are "sensor-bee" swarms) traverse the dark- ness in random directions. But in the distance ahead, there seems to be an opening to another chamber. SULU (of Viewer) Something ahead, sir; looks like another area... (reacts) It's closing up...! Sulu is indicating what appears to be a lace-bulwark of POWERFIELD PATTERNS closing off the "chamber" in the distance ahead. Kirk, from the Science Station calls out: KIRK Hold station...! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters at station keeping... 251 ANGLE EMPHASIZING SPOCK 251 at his Science consoles, working rapidly, shifting from one set of controls to another. Now he hits a master control -- his console monitors FLASH, then go dark. SPOCK Captain... Spock brings a monitor IMAGE ON again, indicates a (Povill) pattern showing a line hitting something, then reversing direction. SPOCK (continuing) All scans are being reflected back, Captain. Our sensors are useless. 251A ACROSS THEM TO THE MAIN VIEWER 251A Kirk reacts with disappointment, indicates the main viewer. KIRK Have you been able to analyze any of this...? SPOCK (voice increasingly reverential) I believe the light flares to be energy fields -- undoubtedly part of the vessel's inner mechanism. A technology so incredibly sophisticated that I cannot -- COMPUTER VOICE (overlapping) Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert..! (continues) 252 OMITTED 252 - - 253 253 254 ANGLE ON CHEKOV 254 Reacting to a console reading: CHEKOV Deck four, Captain; Officers' Quarters...! KIRK (to Chekov) Have a security team meet me at Deck Four main elevator! A moment's reaction from all at this, Kirk hurrying toward elevator, calling: KIRK (continuing) Take the conn, Mr. Decker: Hold present position... (gesturing Spock to join him) Spock... And Spock rises, joins Kirk and they hurriedly exit, the CAMERA SWINGING BACK to Decker, his perplexed con- cern (because of Ilia). 254A INT. ILIA'S CABIN - THE SONIC SHOWER 254A Where we SEE, behind the translucent stall door, what is unmistakably the form of the NUDE FEMALE. 255 INT. ILIA'S CABIN - KIRK 255 entering, Spock slightly behind him - and one Security Guard. Kirk glances around the room, now glances at the shower area and reacts as he sees the NAKED FORM. The others react similarly, even Spock cannot help re- pressing an expression of surprise. A moment's uncer- tainty as Kirk peers at them, then he steps to the stall door, hesitates another instant -- then slides the door open. (NOTE: Arrange lighting for bizarre, mysterious effect.) Kirk's eyes cannot believe what he is seeing: 255A "ILIA" 255A standing in the sonic mist, naked but for a small multi-colored button embedded in her throat. As she looks at Kirk -- and the others -- the men peer back at her, speechless. "ILIA" I have been programmed by V'ger to observe and record normal functioning of the carbon-based units infesting USS ENTERPRISE. Kirk peers at her another nonplussed moment, then leans into the shower to touch a control, his eyes fixed on the lovely body behind the mist. He punches in a three digit code. Immediately a HUMMING SOUND emanates from the shower stall, Kirk closing the door, but 'Ilia" remaining inside. 256 ACROSS KIRK AND THE OTHERS TO THE SHOWER STALL 256 The HUMMING SOUND just now reaching a gentle crescendo -- through the translucent door you can see COLORS ENVELOPING "ILIA'S" FORM. And now the SOUND STOPS. "Ilia", attired in a leisure robe, steps from the stall, into the room. She stands facing Kirk, her face impas- sive, eyes unblinking. He looks her back a moment, then glances at Spock, who is gazing at "Ilia" in abso- lute fascination. Kirk addresses her: KIRK Who is...'V'ger'...? "ILIA" V'ger is that which programmed me. KIRK Is V'ger the Captain of the alien vessel? 256A ANGLE ON THE DOOR - McCOY 256A rushing in, concerned: McCOY Jim, what's -- At the sight of 'Ilia", McCoy's words die in his throat -- and his trained eyes have instantly told him some- thing is awry. He unslings his tricorder, aims the sensor unit at "Ilia". As he reads his instruments, his face reveals the results (incredulity, fascination). Meanwhile, from the start: "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. McCOY (of "Ilia") Jim, this is a mechanism...! Kirk stares at McCoy, then at "Ilia" and realizes that "Ilia" is indeed non-human. And quickly: KIRK Where is Lt. Ilia? "ILIA" That unit no longer functions. I have been given its form to more readily communicate with the carbon-based units infesting Enterprise. SECURITY GUARD "Carbon-based units"...? McCOY (drily) Humans, Ensign Lang: us. (continues tricorder exam, increasingly impressed) KIRK (to "Ilia") Why does V'ger travel to the third planet of the solar system directly ahead? "ILIA" V'ger travels to the third planet to find the Creator. Stunned, disbelieving reactions as all four attempt to digest this -- Spock gazing at "Ilia" with even more rapt fascination. Kirk, bewildered, addresses the others: KIRK Find the Creator? What Creator? Whose...!? (to "Ilia") What does V'ger want of the 'Creator'... ? "ILIA" To join with him. 256B FAVORING SPOCK 256B suddenly alert, addressing "Ilia": SPOCK Join with the Creator... ? How? "ILIA" V'ger and the Creator will become One. SPOCK Who is the Creator? McCOY (worried) Mr. Spock, be careful. "ILIA" The Creator is that which created V'ger. KIRK Who is V'ger? "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. Another moment of total exasperation, frustration, during which "Ilia" seems to be waiting politely, patiently for any further questions. When none are forthcoming: "ILIA" (continuing; pleasant, bland) I am ready to commence my observations. SPOCK (fast; to McCoy) Doctor, a thorough examination of this probe might provide some insight into those who manufactured it, and how to deal with them. McCOY Let's get her to sickbay. And he grasps "Ilia's" arm to escort her. But is as though he has seized cast iron: immovable. McCoy is thrown off balance merely by 'Ilia's" remaining sta- tionary. She ignores McCoy, addresses Kirk: "ILIA" I am programmed to observe and record normal functioning procedures of the carbon-based units. 256B Kirk glances at McCoy, who is totally bemused, but then 256B Kirk quickly responds to "Ilia": KIRK The examination is a normal function. "ILIA" (a beat) You may proceede. McCOY (carefully) Thank you. 257 CLOSE SHOT OF EXAMINING ROOM VIEWER (O) 257 scanning a "body". PULL BACK TO SHOW McCoy, Chapel, Kirk, Spock and Chekov -- standing over "ILIA" who lies prone on the table, the physicians moving the scanner over her. McCOY (from the start; indicating) ... micro-miniature hydraulics, sensors, molecule-sized multi- processor chips... and look at this... In the b.g., Decker enters, grimly observes the proceed- ings. CHAPEL (impressed) An osmotic micro-pump... here and here. Even the smallest body functions are exactly duplicated. (traces with finger on screen) And every exocrine system is here, too -- Chapel breaks off abruptly, noticing "Ilia" is peering intently -- almost with a glimmer of recognition -- at Decker. Slightly disconcerted, Chapel continues: CHAPEL (continuing) -- even eye moisture. "ILIA" (peering at Decker) Deck -- er. 257A FAVORING SPOCK 257A as everyone reacts to "Ilia's" utterance of Decker's name. It seems to make the deepest impression on Spock, confirming something he has suspected. SPOCK (to "Ilia") Interesting. Not 'Decker-unit'? "Ilia" continues peering at Decker with just a hint of a puzzled frown, a glimmer of distant recognition. It's the first time we've seen her expression look anything but cool and bland. This results in the quizzical rising of one of Spock's eyebrows. 258 ANOTHER ANGLE 258 McCoy's examination now turns "Ilia" away from the others. Spock quickly catches Kirk's and Decker's attention, indicates an adjoining door -- they fol- low him out of the room. 259 INT. McCOY'S OFFICE 259 as Kirk, Spock and Decker enter, the door snapping shut -- and Spock touching the electronic lock to secure them. He faces the others: SPOCK Captain... this probe may be a key a key to the Aliens. DECKER It's a programmed mechanism, Mr. Spock... SPOCK We have just seen that its body duplicates our navigator in precise detail. Suppose that beneath its programming, the real Ilia's memory patterns are duplicated with equal precision. KIRK They had a pattern to follow... SPOCK (nods) ... they may have followed it too precisely. KIRK (comprehending) Ilia's memory, her feelings of loyalty, friendship, obedience... might all be there. 259A ANGLE ON DECKER 259A also comprehending, and not liking it one bit as Spock and Kirk are both turning their attention to him. SPOCK Exactly. (to Decker) And you did have a 'relationship' with Lieutenant Ilia, Commander. DECKER That probe in there -- in a different form now -- is the same thing that killed Ilia! KIRK Commander, we're locked in an alien vessel, six hours from Earth orbit, our only contact with our captors is the probe. If we can control it, persuade it, use it in some way... Interrupted by the SOUND of someone trying to open the locked door behind them. Then a METAL RIPPING SOUND as they whirl to see: 260 MEDICAL OFFICE DOOR 260 with the METAL BUCKLING, TEARING -- and a single hand slicing the steel door like paper. It is the "Ilia" probe, her face absolutely impassive, her whole manner incongruously benign. (Behind her, a startled McCoy, Chapel and Chekov.) "Ilia" speaks flatly, blandly. "ILIA" I have recorded enough here. (motions to Kirk) You will now assist me further. Kirk exchanges a quick glance with Spock. Then: KIRK (indicating Decker) The Decker-unit can assist you with much greater efficiency... "Ilia" has seemed about to object -- but now her eyes hold on Decker. Then she nods. KIRK (continuing) Carry on with your assignment, Mr. Decker. 260A ANOTHER ANGLE - ACROSS DECKER TO THE SMASHED DOOR 260A (AND "ILIA") as Decker looks at "Ilia" who stands at the torn door. You can read Decker's mind: I'm supposed to persuade that?! He turns back, finds Kirk's eyes on him. Decker nods. DECKER Aye, sir. "Ilia" and a reluctant Decker EXIT. 260B EMPHASIZING SPOCK 260B looking very troubled as they watch Decker and "Ilia" leave. Kirk notices. KIRK Spock? Concerned about his chances? SPOCK I am uneasy with that being our only hope of more information. Spock EXITS. 261 INT. V'GER - THE ENTERPRISE 261 floating in the vast, eerie, alien chamber -- sporadic FLASHES OF ENERGY, erupting now and then. Various other EFFECTS. OVER this, Kirk's VOICE: KIRK (V.O.) Captain's Log. Stardate 7414.1. Our best estimates place us some four hours from Earth. No significant Ilia memory patterns within the alien probe. This remains our only means of contact with our captor. 262 INT. ENTERPRISE AIRLOCK AREA 262 The area dimly lit -- unoccupied but for a lone AIRLOCK TECHNICIAN checking and adjusting instruments. The CAMERA MOVES PAST him to FIND: 263 SPOCK 263 His face fixed with grim determination, walking quietly with obvious intent not to attract the Tech's attention. Now he steals up behind the TECH -- and in an instant has applied a Vulcan nerve pinch. The Tech slumps over his console. 264 INT KIRK'S CABIN - VIEWER MONITOR 264 Showing a CLOSE SHOT of ENTERPRISE PICTURES, then PULL BACK SLIGHTLY for an IMAGE of Decker and "Ilia" walk- ing through the Rec Deck. PULL BACK FURTHER TO SHOW Kirk watching this -- and with him is McCoy. They continue watching a troubled beat, as: DECKER (of pictures) All these vessels were called "Enterprise". "Ilia" is giving the pictures a very interested look as we HEAR in Kirk's cabin: UHURA'S INTERCOM VOICE (controlled excitement) Bridge to Captain... 265 OMITTED 265 266 INT. BRIDGE - UHURA'S STATION (SCIENCE STATION IN 266 B.G.) Uhura at her console, struggling to hear the signal. KIRK'S INTERCOM VOICE Kirk here. In the b.g., Spock's station a MAINTENANCE TEAM is replacing the broken Science Station computer. (Spock is conspicuously absent.) UHURA A faint signal from Starfleet, sir. They have the intruder on their monitors... (struggling to hear) They show us... three hours... twenty-four minutes from Earth! KIRK'S VOICE (thru intercom) Thank you. 267 INT. RECREATION DECK 267 Decker and "Ilia", the Rec Deck unoccupied but for a pair of wary SECURITY GUARDS at a very discreet dis- tance. They are near the pictures of the five Enter- prises, which should be FEATURED in this SHOT, as Decker waves his hand about the huge room. DECKER The carbon units use this area for recreation... (carefully) What type of recreation does the crew aboard your vessel enjoy...? 268 CLOSER TWO SHOT (PICTURES O.S.) 268 As "Ilia" moves on into the room, Decker follows: "ILIA" The words 'recreation' and 'enjoy' have no meaning to my programming. Decker peers at the lovely android with frustration -- and no little pain, for she is after all the exact replica of Ilia. She pays not the slightest attention to Decker's reaction, and begins walking about the Rec Deck taking in (and, clearly, transmitting all images to V'ger) the sights. They are near a game area (elec- tronic games), and now Decker points to one game, switches it on -- presses button to activate its LIGHTS and SOUNDS. "Ilia" watches interestedly as Decker operates the game. DECKER Ilia 'enjoyed' this game... she nearly always won -- And he demonstrates again, as "Ilia" steps to the device, deftly hits some buttons -- and for just an instant she turns to Decker with a momentary glimmer of recognition. 269 INT. KIRK'S CABIN - GROUP WATCHING THE MONITOR 269 McCoy watching with special interest: McCOY (approving) Good! He's using audial-visual association. But the words are not out of McCoy's mouth when "Ilia" says: "ILIA" This device serves no purpose. She steps away from the game; Decker's disappointment is evident. So is everyone elses. KIRK Damn...! McCOY (nods grimly) She needs something else: something much more personal to stimulate memory patterns. Something with a more emotional tie. Kirk reacts to this, reflective. 270 INT. REC DECK FULL ON DECKER AND "ILIA" 270 Decker waving back toward the general area of the Enterprise pictures. DECKER The crews of the previous Enterprises were also carbon units. In what way is the life form in your vessel different? "ILIA" Carbon units are not true life forms... Do those images repre- sent how Enterprise has evolved into its present form? DECKER (hoping he's struck a responsive chord) Yes. "ILIA" Carbon units have clearly retarded Enterprise's proper evolvement. DECKER (controlling surprise) What is Enterprise's proper evolvement? "ILIA" Enterprise should not require the presence of carbon units. And with this she moves off, observing other Rec Deck objects. Decker moves with her; then: DECKER (carefully) Enterprise would be unable to function without carbon units. "ILIA" More data concerning this functioning is necessary before carbon units can be patterned for data storage. 271 ACROSS "ILIA" TO DECKER 271 as he reacts to this ominous note; he stops abruptly. DECKER What does that mean? "ILIA" (stopping; almost pleasantly) When my examination is complete, the carbon units will be reduced to data patterns. This has been delivered with chilling blandness, and she stands facing Decker, almost as though waiting for him to thank her. He thinks fast now. DECKER Within you are memory patterns of a carbon unit. If I can help you revive these patterns; you could understand our functions better. "ILIA" That is logical. You may procede. 272 ON DECKER 272 realizing the difficult task ahead; the pain he will suffer. 273 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE (M) 273 The ship stationary in the chamber as now we SEE an exterior hatch sliding fully open. Up through the hatch a circular airlock door opens -- and a tiny figure in a thruster spacesuit emerges, steps into space, slowly floats down through the hatch and under the Enterprise saucer section. In this and subsequent VIEWS we will SEE that on the rear pack of his thruster spacesuit is a FLASHING STROBE LIGHT which regularly EMITS the identifying SIGNAL of this particular suit. (By which Kirk will be able to see Spock's position even from several miles away.) 274 CLOSER ON THE SPACESUITED FIGURE (M) 274 MOVING TOWARD the CAMERA until the features behind the face mask are clearly identifiable: Spock, his face set in the same grim, determined expression, as he touches his spacesuit transmitter control. SPOCK Computer, commence recording. Captain Kirk -- this message will detail my attempt to contact the aliens... 275 INT. BRIDGE 275 Kirk ENTERING, crossing Uhura as she calls: UHURA Starfleet signals, sir, growing in strength... (listening intently) They -- have Intruder on their monitors -- it's decelerating -- powerfield cloud beginning to dissipate... SULU Confirm, Captain. Lunar beacons indicate Intruder on a course into Earth orbit... CHEKOV (interrupting) Sir! Airlock four has been opened; a thruster suit is reported missing! KIRK (reacts knowingly) Spock...! (to navigator) Get a fix on his position! 276 INT. V'GER - MED. ON SPOCK 276 His features now set into an almost trance-like expres- sion as he concentrates on the thought emanations. Then we SEE his head turn, he peers off -- then he moves his thruster controls. We SEE the small blue jets of his thrusters -- his spacesuit figure begins to move off in the direction he was concentrating upon. 277 ANOTHER ANGLE - SPOCK 277 His thrusters moving him across V'ger's vast chamber then dropping down into a deep "trough"-like area which stretches into the distance ahead of him. A cloud of CRYSTAL FORMS (Kirk's entrapment) become visible to one side but Spock passes them at some dis- tance and does not attract them. We can SEE more clearly now the point on the inner wall of the trough toward which Spock is heading. It is an unusual combination of GLOWING FORCEFIELDS which seem to mark this point of the vessel as of some importance. (Here, also, we will become aware of "sensor-bee" swarms, intermittently darting toward this same wall from all points of the chamber.) 278 INT. AIRLOCK AREA 278 SHOWING Kirk in a thruster spacesuit, helmet being readied by AIRLOCK TECHNICIANS. McCoy is also here, arguing with Kirk: KIRK (from the start) ... I don't want him stopped, Bones; I want him to lead me to whatever's out there...! McCOY And if that 'whatever' has taken over his mind....? KIRK Then he'll have still led me to it, won't he? And Kirk steps into the airlock door, hits a control -- it begins sliding closed behind him. 279 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE 279 UP THROUGH the circular airlock door as it slides open -- and Kirk's tiny spacesuited figure floats down clear of the saucer. 280 CLOSER ON KIRK 280 SEEING his face through the spacesuit faceplate as he scans the darkness. SULU'S VOICE Bridge, Captain. We make Spock as 26 Mark 345 degrees off ship's axis. During which, Kirk spots something. 281 KIRK'S POV 281 Spock's STROBE blinker at a mile or so distance, nearing

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ENERGY BOLT which instantly envelopes First Security Man in a PURPLE GLOW (of implosion). Second Security Man has almost lifted his phaser -- but now carefully, slowly is moving his hand away from his weapon. 210 CLOSER - THE SECURITY MEN (O) 210 PURPLE GLOW FADES, the First Security Man has simply vanished. 210A FULL SHOT - BRIDGE 210A Chekov, like the others, horrified, flips a switch and the COMPUTER-VOICE ("Intruder Alert") goes OFF. At the same time Chekov speaks into his intercom: CHEKOV Security... do not send further teams! The Probe is sending out snake-like tendrils to the various consoles on the bridge. These tendrils lash out in a cobra-strike movement, the tendril-head seeming to enter into the console affected -- at which time all monitors and instrument lights there come ON as if the Probe is "reading" each console function. The crew carefully stays clear of the tendrils. Spock has risen, moving to Kirk's side as he slowly brings his tricorder up, very carefully extracting its tiny sensor and aiming it at the probe. CHEKOV (shaken) No intruder readings on other decks, Captain... (to Spock) Can that be one of their crew? SPOCK (quiet) A probe from their vessel... (to Kirk) A plasma-energy combination... Meanwhile, the probe is now hovering near Chekov who sits frozen, fists clenched, jaw tight. DECKER Don't interfere with it...! CHEKOV Absolutely, I will not interfere! 210B ANGLE INCLUDING SPOCK'S CONSOLE (O) 210B as the "probe" withdraws an energy-tendril from one bridge station and "inserts" it into another console. KIRK No one interfere...! It doesn't seem interested in us -- only the ship...! Kirk's words are never completed as suddenly all the energy tendrils withdraw from all consoles and a larger, more powerful-looking tendril lashes out, snaking into the science console complex. 210C CLOSER ON SCIENCE CONSOLE 210C Where, also immediately, all the console and computer lights are suddenly flashing wildly, rapidly -- -- There is an incredibly fast EXCHANGE OF HIGH-PITCHED BEES -- the computer obviously in unauthorized commu- nication with the probe! KIRK Computer off! DECKER It's taken control of the computer...! KIRK It's running our records! Starfleet strength, Earth defenses... As Decker moves to the main power control, Spock now steps in, his Vulcan strength easily brushing Kirk and Decker aside. Spock clasps his fists above his head, brings it down in a SHATTERING BLOW on the console. It splits open! As the bridge lights dim even more, and as the science console shorts itself out -- and off, Decker confronts Spock: DECKER We could have cut it off at the main computer... SPOCK This served the purpose. Kirk has been giving Spock a puzzled look -- Spock now turns abruptly, and: 210D ANOTHER ANGLE (O) 210D as Spock, in stepping back, accidentally brushes the probe's energy tendril -- a FLASH OF LIGHT at the contact point sends Spock sinning under the rail and to the floor near Ilia. The probe's energy-tendril has withdrawn from the darkened science console, hov- ers high over the dazed Spock as if angrily seeking the reason for the break in its computer contact. Spock starts to rise. ILIA Mr. Spock, don't move...! Decker steps toward her, AD LIBBING a grim "Ilia...!" But he has no chance as: 211 OMITTED 211 - - 219 219 220 CLOSER ON ILIA (O) 220 The Probe hovers over her, its whole mass seemingly about to envelope her with a single tendril extended toward her, somehow freezing her into immobility - and then the entire Probe DISSOLVES IN A BLINDING FLASH OF WHITE, obscuring Ilia. Almost instantly the WHITE FLASH FADES -- but Ilia has vanished -- her tricorder clattering to the deck. 221 OMITTED 221 222 ACROSS THE NAVIGATOR'S STATION TO KIRK AND DECKER 222 helpless, shocked, gazing at the place Ilia was -- but which is now empty. DECKER (to Kirk, quiet fury) This is how I define unwarranted! And almost at the same moment a new BRIDGE ALARM SIGNAL. 223 OMITTED 223 - - 232 232 233 The ALARM still sounding as from the giant alien ves- 233 sel, we SEE STRANGE, OPAQUE ENERGY PATTERNS STREAKING TOWARD US. Kirk vaults to the command chair, lunges for controls, as Decker races to the weapons-defense console. DECKER (voice amplified) The ship is under attack...! Man all defensive stations...! KIRK Forcefields, full remaining strength...! Total reserve! Appropriate ALARM KLAXONS, and COMPUTER VOICES begin SOUNDING, and all this is lost in a SUDDEN SHRILLING SOUND (a constant, high-pitched tone). For a moment the energy patterns are prominent on the viewer -- and then the PATTERNS VANISHED and the SHRILL SOUND FADES -- and: 234 FAVOR THE VIEWER (O) 234 showing V'ger GROWING RAPIDLY IN SIZE. The Enterprise is being pulled along the length of the big ship, toward its "prow." SPOCK Captain, we have been seized by a tractor beam...! KIRK (to Decker) Get someone up here to take the Navigator's station...! (into intercom) Engineering... full emergency power! DECKER (into intercom) Chief Difalco to the bridge; on the double! 234A ENGINEERING 234A in a state of controlled chaos, all personnel at their stations, the Engine CORE GLOWING. Scott is working his controls, speaking into the intercom: SCOTT Going to full emergency... (studying readings) But Captain, if we don't break free in fifteen seconds, she'll burn up... 234B INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING SPOCK 234B as Spock studies his readings, and: SPOCK We cannot break free, Captain. (indicates monitors) We do not have a fraction of the power necessary. KIRK (into intercom) Delay that order, Scotty...! Disengage all main drive systems! Spock peers in deep concentration at the Main Viewer, trying to sense some clue. Kirk glances at him another moment, then turns to the Main Viewer himself, watches in frustrated helplessness. 235 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE BEING PULLED TOWARD V'GER (S) 235 the starship being pulled toward the giant as though on a taut cable. As we MOVE CLOSER, we SEE still more intricate details of the incredible Alien design. 236 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 236 as Difalco arrives on the run, and Decker AD LIBS to her, "Assume Navigator's station, Chief...!" Difalco, bewildered, wants to ask what happened, but no time, and she quickly sits at the post, begins orienting herself. Meanwhile, Decker has begun an Executive Officer's bridge circuit, assisting with various con- soles. Kirk is glancing toward Spock who continues concentrating on the Viewer, striving to comprehend the myriad of thoughts he is sensing from he Aliens. McCoy also arrives on the bridge, takes in the chaotic scene, watches the Viewer grimly. 237 OMITTED 237 - - 238 238 239 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER (S) 239 At the forward end of the giant, an odd-shapped "iris" begins opening menacingly. And it is frighteningly obvious that the tractor beam is pulling the Enterprise to the opening. 240 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 240 showing the unusual "iris" now almost fully open as Enterprise is drawn closer, closer -- through the "iris" we now SEE (some of) V'ger's interior: a dark void relieved only by strange flickering glows of dis- tant ENERGY FIELD PATTERNS. The crew reacts with understandable awe, apprehension, curiosity, as: DECKER Captain, suggest a maximum phaser strike directly at the beam might weaken it just enough for us to break free -- Spock replies for Kirk: quickly, as though to make his point convincingly: SPOCK Break free to where, Commander...? (to Kirk) Any show of resistance would not only be futile, Catain... 240XA ACROSS SPOCK TO KIRK (DECKER AND McCOY IN B.G.) 240XA as Kirk reacts somewhat curiously to Spock's remark, but it is Decker who articulates it: DECKER (troubled; suspicious) We don't know that, Mr. Spock. Why are you opposed to trying? Before Spock can reply: UHURA They're pulling us inside...! All face the Viewer again, react, with McCoy who has been observing all these reactions now galvanized into action: McCOY (to Chekov) Medical observers to all decks! And he hurries toward the elevators, CAMERA WITH HIM a moment, then SWINGING BACK TO: 240A PAST KIRK TO VIEWER (O) 240A Kirk staring at the viewer -- the "iris" now fully open so that the exterior of V'ger is no longer visible -- and all we can SEE is the monstrous void dead ahead, which is looming faster and larger before our eyes. And now we are inside. 241 OMITTED 241 - - 243 243 244 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER - AT THE "IRIS" (S) 244 Enterprise now being pulled past the opening -- into the ship proper. Now we can SEE that the dark void is actually a vast chamber, dimly and intermittently lit by POWERFIELDS appearing and vanishing along the vessel's inner walls, which are miles away in the distance. And here and there in the chamber gigantic ENERGY DISPLAYS erupt briefly with a certain symmetry that suggests they must be part of V'ger's ower or control systems. 245 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 245 Kirk peering awed at the Viewer, the incredible sight of the chamber -- suddenly glances up to see that Spock is standing beside him -- Decker nearby, turns to Spock: DECKER (to Spock) Why bring us inside? Not to destroy us; they could have done that outside. KIRK They could have many ways of destroying things, Mr. Decker. SPOCK (peering at Viewer) Something about us puzzles them... perhaps even concerns them. 245A ANGLE ON UHURA 245A Reacting to a console reading: UHURA Captain, photic-sonar readings indicate the aperture is closing; we're trapped, sir...! 246 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE ENTERING V'GER (S) 246 The starship is pulled inside, the "iris" is closing behind it. 247 INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING THE VIEWER (O) 247 The viewer image changing from the huge dark chamber, rear angle shot, showing the "iris" closing. SULU Reverse angle on the viewer, Captain. On the viewer the final glimmer from exterior space as the "iris" closes completely. 248 REACTIONS 248 All eyes on the viewer, CAMERA FINDING ONE FACE AFTER ANOTHER, the reality of the situation etched into each face. Then: 248A FAVORING KIRK 248A As Spock turns from a reading: SPOCK The tractor beam has released us, Captain. DIFALCO Confirmed: Vessel is floating free. No forward momentum. KIRK Viewer ahead. SULU Viewer ahead, sir. 248B INSERT - MAIN VIEWER 248B Ahead, the cavernous interior of V'ger. 248C BACK TO SHOT 248C Kirk eying the main viewer -- Decker watching Kirk. KIRK Maneuvering thrusters, Mr. Sulu; ahead one third. (to Spock) Full sensor scan, Mr. Spock; they can't expect us not to look them over now! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters ahead, one third. SPOCK (manipulating controls) Commencing sensor scans. Kirk rises, goes to Spock's station. 249 INT. V'GER ENTRANCE CHAMBER - ENTERPRISE (S) 249 The Enterprise moving slowly forward in this vastness, its running lights merely specks of light, candles in the darkness. In the distance those occasional ERUPT- ING POWER DISPLAYS in distant locations, sizes, shapes and patterns. 250 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING MAIN VIEWER (O) 250 showing another persective of the above, and further away GLOWING ENERGY FIELDS dimly illuminating the alien ship's walls -- miles away. Strange semi--solid LIGHT SHAPES (some are "sensor-bee" swarms) traverse the dark- ness in random directions. But in the distance ahead, there seems to be an opening to another chamber. SULU (of Viewer) Something ahead, sir; looks like another area... (reacts) It's closing up...! Sulu is indicating what appears to be a lace-bulwark of POWERFIELD PATTERNS closing off the "chamber" in the distance ahead. Kirk, from the Science Station calls out: KIRK Hold station...! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters at station keeping... 251 ANGLE EMPHASIZING SPOCK 251 at his Science consoles, working rapidly, shifting from one set of controls to another. Now he hits a master control -- his console monitors FLASH, then go dark. SPOCK Captain... Spock brings a monitor IMAGE ON again, indicates a (Povill) pattern showing a line hitting something, then reversing direction. SPOCK (continuing) All scans are being reflected back, Captain. Our sensors are useless. 251A ACROSS THEM TO THE MAIN VIEWER 251A Kirk reacts with disappointment, indicates the main viewer. KIRK Have you been able to analyze any of this...? SPOCK (voice increasingly reverential) I believe the light flares to be energy fields -- undoubtedly part of the vessel's inner mechanism. A technology so incredibly sophisticated that I cannot -- COMPUTER VOICE (overlapping) Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert..! (continues) 252 OMITTED 252 - - 253 253 254 ANGLE ON CHEKOV 254 Reacting to a console reading: CHEKOV Deck four, Captain; Officers' Quarters...! KIRK (to Chekov) Have a security team meet me at Deck Four main elevator! A moment's reaction from all at this, Kirk hurrying toward elevator, calling: KIRK (continuing) Take the conn, Mr. Decker: Hold present position... (gesturing Spock to join him) Spock... And Spock rises, joins Kirk and they hurriedly exit, the CAMERA SWINGING BACK to Decker, his perplexed con- cern (because of Ilia). 254A INT. ILIA'S CABIN - THE SONIC SHOWER 254A Where we SEE, behind the translucent stall door, what is unmistakably the form of the NUDE FEMALE. 255 INT. ILIA'S CABIN - KIRK 255 entering, Spock slightly behind him - and one Security Guard. Kirk glances around the room, now glances at the shower area and reacts as he sees the NAKED FORM. The others react similarly, even Spock cannot help re- pressing an expression of surprise. A moment's uncer- tainty as Kirk peers at them, then he steps to the stall door, hesitates another instant -- then slides the door open. (NOTE: Arrange lighting for bizarre, mysterious effect.) Kirk's eyes cannot believe what he is seeing: 255A "ILIA" 255A standing in the sonic mist, naked but for a small multi-colored button embedded in her throat. As she looks at Kirk -- and the others -- the men peer back at her, speechless. "ILIA" I have been programmed by V'ger to observe and record normal functioning of the carbon-based units infesting USS ENTERPRISE. Kirk peers at her another nonplussed moment, then leans into the shower to touch a control, his eyes fixed on the lovely body behind the mist. He punches in a three digit code. Immediately a HUMMING SOUND emanates from the shower stall, Kirk closing the door, but 'Ilia" remaining inside. 256 ACROSS KIRK AND THE OTHERS TO THE SHOWER STALL 256 The HUMMING SOUND just now reaching a gentle crescendo -- through the translucent door you can see COLORS ENVELOPING "ILIA'S" FORM. And now the SOUND STOPS. "Ilia", attired in a leisure robe, steps from the stall, into the room. She stands facing Kirk, her face impas- sive, eyes unblinking. He looks her back a moment, then glances at Spock, who is gazing at "Ilia" in abso- lute fascination. Kirk addresses her: KIRK Who is...'V'ger'...? "ILIA" V'ger is that which programmed me. KIRK Is V'ger the Captain of the alien vessel? 256A ANGLE ON THE DOOR - McCOY 256A rushing in, concerned: McCOY Jim, what's -- At the sight of 'Ilia", McCoy's words die in his throat -- and his trained eyes have instantly told him some- thing is awry. He unslings his tricorder, aims the sensor unit at "Ilia". As he reads his instruments, his face reveals the results (incredulity, fascination). Meanwhile, from the start: "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. McCOY (of "Ilia") Jim, this is a mechanism...! Kirk stares at McCoy, then at "Ilia" and realizes that "Ilia" is indeed non-human. And quickly: KIRK Where is Lt. Ilia? "ILIA" That unit no longer functions. I have been given its form to more readily communicate with the carbon-based units infesting Enterprise. SECURITY GUARD "Carbon-based units"...? McCOY (drily) Humans, Ensign Lang: us. (continues tricorder exam, increasingly impressed) KIRK (to "Ilia") Why does V'ger travel to the third planet of the solar system directly ahead? "ILIA" V'ger travels to the third planet to find the Creator. Stunned, disbelieving reactions as all four attempt to digest this -- Spock gazing at "Ilia" with even more rapt fascination. Kirk, bewildered, addresses the others: KIRK Find the Creator? What Creator? Whose...!? (to "Ilia") What does V'ger want of the 'Creator'... ? "ILIA" To join with him. 256B FAVORING SPOCK 256B suddenly alert, addressing "Ilia": SPOCK Join with the Creator... ? How? "ILIA" V'ger and the Creator will become One. SPOCK Who is the Creator? McCOY (worried) Mr. Spock, be careful. "ILIA" The Creator is that which created V'ger. KIRK Who is V'ger? "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. Another moment of total exasperation, frustration, during which "Ilia" seems to be waiting politely, patiently for any further questions. When none are forthcoming: "ILIA" (continuing; pleasant, bland) I am ready to commence my observations. SPOCK (fast; to McCoy) Doctor, a thorough examination of this probe might provide some insight into those who manufactured it, and how to deal with them. McCOY Let's get her to sickbay. And he grasps "Ilia's" arm to escort her. But is as though he has seized cast iron: immovable. McCoy is thrown off balance merely by 'Ilia's" remaining sta- tionary. She ignores McCoy, addresses Kirk: "ILIA" I am programmed to observe and record normal functioning procedures of the carbon-based units. 256B Kirk glances at McCoy, who is totally bemused, but then 256B Kirk quickly responds to "Ilia": KIRK The examination is a normal function. "ILIA" (a beat) You may proceede. McCOY (carefully) Thank you. 257 CLOSE SHOT OF EXAMINING ROOM VIEWER (O) 257 scanning a "body". PULL BACK TO SHOW McCoy, Chapel, Kirk, Spock and Chekov -- standing over "ILIA" who lies prone on the table, the physicians moving the scanner over her. McCOY (from the start; indicating) ... micro-miniature hydraulics, sensors, molecule-sized multi- processor chips... and look at this... In the b.g., Decker enters, grimly observes the proceed- ings. CHAPEL (impressed) An osmotic micro-pump... here and here. Even the smallest body functions are exactly duplicated. (traces with finger on screen) And every exocrine system is here, too -- Chapel breaks off abruptly, noticing "Ilia" is peering intently -- almost with a glimmer of recognition -- at Decker. Slightly disconcerted, Chapel continues: CHAPEL (continuing) -- even eye moisture. "ILIA" (peering at Decker) Deck -- er. 257A FAVORING SPOCK 257A as everyone reacts to "Ilia's" utterance of Decker's name. It seems to make the deepest impression on Spock, confirming something he has suspected. SPOCK (to "Ilia") Interesting. Not 'Decker-unit'? "Ilia" continues peering at Decker with just a hint of a puzzled frown, a glimmer of distant recognition. It's the first time we've seen her expression look anything but cool and bland. This results in the quizzical rising of one of Spock's eyebrows. 258 ANOTHER ANGLE 258 McCoy's examination now turns "Ilia" away from the others. Spock quickly catches Kirk's and Decker's attention, indicates an adjoining door -- they fol- low him out of the room. 259 INT. McCOY'S OFFICE 259 as Kirk, Spock and Decker enter, the door snapping shut -- and Spock touching the electronic lock to secure them. He faces the others: SPOCK Captain... this probe may be a key a key to the Aliens. DECKER It's a programmed mechanism, Mr. Spock... SPOCK We have just seen that its body duplicates our navigator in precise detail. Suppose that beneath its programming, the real Ilia's memory patterns are duplicated with equal precision. KIRK They had a pattern to follow... SPOCK (nods) ... they may have followed it too precisely. KIRK (comprehending) Ilia's memory, her feelings of loyalty, friendship, obedience... might all be there. 259A ANGLE ON DECKER 259A also comprehending, and not liking it one bit as Spock and Kirk are both turning their attention to him. SPOCK Exactly. (to Decker) And you did have a 'relationship' with Lieutenant Ilia, Commander. DECKER That probe in there -- in a different form now -- is the same thing that killed Ilia! KIRK Commander, we're locked in an alien vessel, six hours from Earth orbit, our only contact with our captors is the probe. If we can control it, persuade it, use it in some way... Interrupted by the SOUND of someone trying to open the locked door behind them. Then a METAL RIPPING SOUND as they whirl to see: 260 MEDICAL OFFICE DOOR 260 with the METAL BUCKLING, TEARING -- and a single hand slicing the steel door like paper. It is the "Ilia" probe, her face absolutely impassive, her whole manner incongruously benign. (Behind her, a startled McCoy, Chapel and Chekov.) "Ilia" speaks flatly, blandly. "ILIA" I have recorded enough here. (motions to Kirk) You will now assist me further. Kirk exchanges a quick glance with Spock. Then: KIRK (indicating Decker) The Decker-unit can assist you with much greater efficiency... "Ilia" has seemed about to object -- but now her eyes hold on Decker. Then she nods. KIRK (continuing) Carry on with your assignment, Mr. Decker. 260A ANOTHER ANGLE - ACROSS DECKER TO THE SMASHED DOOR 260A (AND "ILIA") as Decker looks at "Ilia" who stands at the torn door. You can read Decker's mind: I'm supposed to persuade that?! He turns back, finds Kirk's eyes on him. Decker nods. DECKER Aye, sir. "Ilia" and a reluctant Decker EXIT. 260B EMPHASIZING SPOCK 260B looking very troubled as they watch Decker and "Ilia" leave. Kirk notices. KIRK Spock? Concerned about his chances? SPOCK I am uneasy with that being our only hope of more information. Spock EXITS. 261 INT. V'GER - THE ENTERPRISE 261 floating in the vast, eerie, alien chamber -- sporadic FLASHES OF ENERGY, erupting now and then. Various other EFFECTS. OVER this, Kirk's VOICE: KIRK (V.O.) Captain's Log. Stardate 7414.1. Our best estimates place us some four hours from Earth. No significant Ilia memory patterns within the alien probe. This remains our only means of contact with our captor. 262 INT. ENTERPRISE AIRLOCK AREA 262 The area dimly lit -- unoccupied but for a lone AIRLOCK TECHNICIAN checking and adjusting instruments. The CAMERA MOVES PAST him to FIND: 263 SPOCK 263 His face fixed with grim determination, walking quietly with obvious intent not to attract the Tech's attention. Now he steals up behind the TECH -- and in an instant has applied a Vulcan nerve pinch. The Tech slumps over his console. 264 INT KIRK'S CABIN - VIEWER MONITOR 264 Showing a CLOSE SHOT of ENTERPRISE PICTURES, then PULL BACK SLIGHTLY for an IMAGE of Decker and "Ilia" walk- ing through the Rec Deck. PULL BACK FURTHER TO SHOW Kirk watching this -- and with him is McCoy. They continue watching a troubled beat, as: DECKER (of pictures) All these vessels were called "Enterprise". "Ilia" is giving the pictures a very interested look as we HEAR in Kirk's cabin: UHURA'S INTERCOM VOICE (controlled excitement) Bridge to Captain... 265 OMITTED 265 266 INT. BRIDGE - UHURA'S STATION (SCIENCE STATION IN 266 B.G.) Uhura at her console, struggling to hear the signal. KIRK'S INTERCOM VOICE Kirk here. In the b.g., Spock's station a MAINTENANCE TEAM is replacing the broken Science Station computer. (Spock is conspicuously absent.) UHURA A faint signal from Starfleet, sir. They have the intruder on their monitors... (struggling to hear) They show us... three hours... twenty-four minutes from Earth! KIRK'S VOICE (thru intercom) Thank you. 267 INT. RECREATION DECK 267 Decker and "Ilia", the Rec Deck unoccupied but for a pair of wary SECURITY GUARDS at a very discreet dis- tance. They are near the pictures of the five Enter- prises, which should be FEATURED in this SHOT, as Decker waves his hand about the huge room. DECKER The carbon units use this area for recreation... (carefully) What type of recreation does the crew aboard your vessel enjoy...? 268 CLOSER TWO SHOT (PICTURES O.S.) 268 As "Ilia" moves on into the room, Decker follows: "ILIA" The words 'recreation' and 'enjoy' have no meaning to my programming. Decker peers at the lovely android with frustration -- and no little pain, for she is after all the exact replica of Ilia. She pays not the slightest attention to Decker's reaction, and begins walking about the Rec Deck taking in (and, clearly, transmitting all images to V'ger) the sights. They are near a game area (elec- tronic games), and now Decker points to one game, switches it on -- presses button to activate its LIGHTS and SOUNDS. "Ilia" watches interestedly as Decker operates the game. DECKER Ilia 'enjoyed' this game... she nearly always won -- And he demonstrates again, as "Ilia" steps to the device, deftly hits some buttons -- and for just an instant she turns to Decker with a momentary glimmer of recognition. 269 INT. KIRK'S CABIN - GROUP WATCHING THE MONITOR 269 McCoy watching with special interest: McCOY (approving) Good! He's using audial-visual association. But the words are not out of McCoy's mouth when "Ilia" says: "ILIA" This device serves no purpose. She steps away from the game; Decker's disappointment is evident. So is everyone elses. KIRK Damn...! McCOY (nods grimly) She needs something else: something much more personal to stimulate memory patterns. Something with a more emotional tie. Kirk reacts to this, reflective. 270 INT. REC DECK FULL ON DECKER AND "ILIA" 270 Decker waving back toward the general area of the Enterprise pictures. DECKER The crews of the previous Enterprises were also carbon units. In what way is the life form in your vessel different? "ILIA" Carbon units are not true life forms... Do those images repre- sent how Enterprise has evolved into its present form? DECKER (hoping he's struck a responsive chord) Yes. "ILIA" Carbon units have clearly retarded Enterprise's proper evolvement. DECKER (controlling surprise) What is Enterprise's proper evolvement? "ILIA" Enterprise should not require the presence of carbon units. And with this she moves off, observing other Rec Deck objects. Decker moves with her; then: DECKER (carefully) Enterprise would be unable to function without carbon units. "ILIA" More data concerning this functioning is necessary before carbon units can be patterned for data storage. 271 ACROSS "ILIA" TO DECKER 271 as he reacts to this ominous note; he stops abruptly. DECKER What does that mean? "ILIA" (stopping; almost pleasantly) When my examination is complete, the carbon units will be reduced to data patterns. This has been delivered with chilling blandness, and she stands facing Decker, almost as though waiting for him to thank her. He thinks fast now. DECKER Within you are memory patterns of a carbon unit. If I can help you revive these patterns; you could understand our functions better. "ILIA" That is logical. You may procede. 272 ON DECKER 272 realizing the difficult task ahead; the pain he will suffer. 273 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE (M) 273 The ship stationary in the chamber as now we SEE an exterior hatch sliding fully open. Up through the hatch a circular airlock door opens -- and a tiny figure in a thruster spacesuit emerges, steps into space, slowly floats down through the hatch and under the Enterprise saucer section. In this and subsequent VIEWS we will SEE that on the rear pack of his thruster spacesuit is a FLASHING STROBE LIGHT which regularly EMITS the identifying SIGNAL of this particular suit. (By which Kirk will be able to see Spock's position even from several miles away.) 274 CLOSER ON THE SPACESUITED FIGURE (M) 274 MOVING TOWARD the CAMERA until the features behind the face mask are clearly identifiable: Spock, his face set in the same grim, determined expression, as he touches his spacesuit transmitter control. SPOCK Computer, commence recording. Captain Kirk -- this message will detail my attempt to contact the aliens... 275 INT. BRIDGE 275 Kirk ENTERING, crossing Uhura as she calls: UHURA Starfleet signals, sir, growing in strength... (listening intently) They -- have Intruder on their monitors -- it's decelerating -- powerfield cloud beginning to dissipate... SULU Confirm, Captain. Lunar beacons indicate Intruder on a course into Earth orbit... CHEKOV (interrupting) Sir! Airlock four has been opened; a thruster suit is reported missing! KIRK (reacts knowingly) Spock...! (to navigator) Get a fix on his position! 276 INT. V'GER - MED. ON SPOCK 276 His features now set into an almost trance-like expres- sion as he concentrates on the thought emanations. Then we SEE his head turn, he peers off -- then he moves his thruster controls. We SEE the small blue jets of his thrusters -- his spacesuit figure begins to move off in the direction he was concentrating upon. 277 ANOTHER ANGLE - SPOCK 277 His thrusters moving him across V'ger's vast chamber then dropping down into a deep "trough"-like area which stretches into the distance ahead of him. A cloud of CRYSTAL FORMS (Kirk's entrapment) become visible to one side but Spock passes them at some dis- tance and does not attract them. We can SEE more clearly now the point on the inner wall of the trough toward which Spock is heading. It is an unusual combination of GLOWING FORCEFIELDS which seem to mark this point of the vessel as of some importance. (Here, also, we will become aware of "sensor-bee" swarms, intermittently darting toward this same wall from all points of the chamber.) 278 INT. AIRLOCK AREA 278 SHOWING Kirk in a thruster spacesuit, helmet being readied by AIRLOCK TECHNICIANS. McCoy is also here, arguing with Kirk: KIRK (from the start) ... I don't want him stopped, Bones; I want him to lead me to whatever's out there...! McCOY And if that 'whatever' has taken over his mind....? KIRK Then he'll have still led me to it, won't he? And Kirk steps into the airlock door, hits a control -- it begins sliding closed behind him. 279 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE 279 UP THROUGH the circular airlock door as it slides open -- and Kirk's tiny spacesuited figure floats down clear of the saucer. 280 CLOSER ON KIRK 280 SEEING his face through the spacesuit faceplate as he scans the darkness. SULU'S VOICE Bridge, Captain. We make Spock as 26 Mark 345 degrees off ship's axis. During which, Kirk spots something. 281 KIRK'S POV 281 Spock's STROBE blinker at a mile or so distance, nearing

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ENERGY BOLT which instantly envelopes First Security Man in a PURPLE GLOW (of implosion). Second Security Man has almost lifted his phaser -- but now carefully, slowly is moving his hand away from his weapon. 210 CLOSER - THE SECURITY MEN (O) 210 PURPLE GLOW FADES, the First Security Man has simply vanished. 210A FULL SHOT - BRIDGE 210A Chekov, like the others, horrified, flips a switch and the COMPUTER-VOICE ("Intruder Alert") goes OFF. At the same time Chekov speaks into his intercom: CHEKOV Security... do not send further teams! The Probe is sending out snake-like tendrils to the various consoles on the bridge. These tendrils lash out in a cobra-strike movement, the tendril-head seeming to enter into the console affected -- at which time all monitors and instrument lights there come ON as if the Probe is "reading" each console function. The crew carefully stays clear of the tendrils. Spock has risen, moving to Kirk's side as he slowly brings his tricorder up, very carefully extracting its tiny sensor and aiming it at the probe. CHEKOV (shaken) No intruder readings on other decks, Captain... (to Spock) Can that be one of their crew? SPOCK (quiet) A probe from their vessel... (to Kirk) A plasma-energy combination... Meanwhile, the probe is now hovering near Chekov who sits frozen, fists clenched, jaw tight. DECKER Don't interfere with it...! CHEKOV Absolutely, I will not interfere! 210B ANGLE INCLUDING SPOCK'S CONSOLE (O) 210B as the "probe" withdraws an energy-tendril from one bridge station and "inserts" it into another console. KIRK No one interfere...! It doesn't seem interested in us -- only the ship...! Kirk's words are never completed as suddenly all the energy tendrils withdraw from all consoles and a larger, more powerful-looking tendril lashes out, snaking into the science console complex. 210C CLOSER ON SCIENCE CONSOLE 210C Where, also immediately, all the console and computer lights are suddenly flashing wildly, rapidly -- -- There is an incredibly fast EXCHANGE OF HIGH-PITCHED BEES -- the computer obviously in unauthorized commu- nication with the probe! KIRK Computer off! DECKER It's taken control of the computer...! KIRK It's running our records! Starfleet strength, Earth defenses... As Decker moves to the main power control, Spock now steps in, his Vulcan strength easily brushing Kirk and Decker aside. Spock clasps his fists above his head, brings it down in a SHATTERING BLOW on the console. It splits open! As the bridge lights dim even more, and as the science console shorts itself out -- and off, Decker confronts Spock: DECKER We could have cut it off at the main computer... SPOCK This served the purpose. Kirk has been giving Spock a puzzled look -- Spock now turns abruptly, and: 210D ANOTHER ANGLE (O) 210D as Spock, in stepping back, accidentally brushes the probe's energy tendril -- a FLASH OF LIGHT at the contact point sends Spock sinning under the rail and to the floor near Ilia. The probe's energy-tendril has withdrawn from the darkened science console, hov- ers high over the dazed Spock as if angrily seeking the reason for the break in its computer contact. Spock starts to rise. ILIA Mr. Spock, don't move...! Decker steps toward her, AD LIBBING a grim "Ilia...!" But he has no chance as: 211 OMITTED 211 - - 219 219 220 CLOSER ON ILIA (O) 220 The Probe hovers over her, its whole mass seemingly about to envelope her with a single tendril extended toward her, somehow freezing her into immobility - and then the entire Probe DISSOLVES IN A BLINDING FLASH OF WHITE, obscuring Ilia. Almost instantly the WHITE FLASH FADES -- but Ilia has vanished -- her tricorder clattering to the deck. 221 OMITTED 221 222 ACROSS THE NAVIGATOR'S STATION TO KIRK AND DECKER 222 helpless, shocked, gazing at the place Ilia was -- but which is now empty. DECKER (to Kirk, quiet fury) This is how I define unwarranted! And almost at the same moment a new BRIDGE ALARM SIGNAL. 223 OMITTED 223 - - 232 232 233 The ALARM still sounding as from the giant alien ves- 233 sel, we SEE STRANGE, OPAQUE ENERGY PATTERNS STREAKING TOWARD US. Kirk vaults to the command chair, lunges for controls, as Decker races to the weapons-defense console. DECKER (voice amplified) The ship is under attack...! Man all defensive stations...! KIRK Forcefields, full remaining strength...! Total reserve! Appropriate ALARM KLAXONS, and COMPUTER VOICES begin SOUNDING, and all this is lost in a SUDDEN SHRILLING SOUND (a constant, high-pitched tone). For a moment the energy patterns are prominent on the viewer -- and then the PATTERNS VANISHED and the SHRILL SOUND FADES -- and: 234 FAVOR THE VIEWER (O) 234 showing V'ger GROWING RAPIDLY IN SIZE. The Enterprise is being pulled along the length of the big ship, toward its "prow." SPOCK Captain, we have been seized by a tractor beam...! KIRK (to Decker) Get someone up here to take the Navigator's station...! (into intercom) Engineering... full emergency power! DECKER (into intercom) Chief Difalco to the bridge; on the double! 234A ENGINEERING 234A in a state of controlled chaos, all personnel at their stations, the Engine CORE GLOWING. Scott is working his controls, speaking into the intercom: SCOTT Going to full emergency... (studying readings) But Captain, if we don't break free in fifteen seconds, she'll burn up... 234B INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING SPOCK 234B as Spock studies his readings, and: SPOCK We cannot break free, Captain. (indicates monitors) We do not have a fraction of the power necessary. KIRK (into intercom) Delay that order, Scotty...! Disengage all main drive systems! Spock peers in deep concentration at the Main Viewer, trying to sense some clue. Kirk glances at him another moment, then turns to the Main Viewer himself, watches in frustrated helplessness. 235 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE BEING PULLED TOWARD V'GER (S) 235 the starship being pulled toward the giant as though on a taut cable. As we MOVE CLOSER, we SEE still more intricate details of the incredible Alien design. 236 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 236 as Difalco arrives on the run, and Decker AD LIBS to her, "Assume Navigator's station, Chief...!" Difalco, bewildered, wants to ask what happened, but no time, and she quickly sits at the post, begins orienting herself. Meanwhile, Decker has begun an Executive Officer's bridge circuit, assisting with various con- soles. Kirk is glancing toward Spock who continues concentrating on the Viewer, striving to comprehend the myriad of thoughts he is sensing from he Aliens. McCoy also arrives on the bridge, takes in the chaotic scene, watches the Viewer grimly. 237 OMITTED 237 - - 238 238 239 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER (S) 239 At the forward end of the giant, an odd-shapped "iris" begins opening menacingly. And it is frighteningly obvious that the tractor beam is pulling the Enterprise to the opening. 240 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 240 showing the unusual "iris" now almost fully open as Enterprise is drawn closer, closer -- through the "iris" we now SEE (some of) V'ger's interior: a dark void relieved only by strange flickering glows of dis- tant ENERGY FIELD PATTERNS. The crew reacts with understandable awe, apprehension, curiosity, as: DECKER Captain, suggest a maximum phaser strike directly at the beam might weaken it just enough for us to break free -- Spock replies for Kirk: quickly, as though to make his point convincingly: SPOCK Break free to where, Commander...? (to Kirk) Any show of resistance would not only be futile, Catain... 240XA ACROSS SPOCK TO KIRK (DECKER AND McCOY IN B.G.) 240XA as Kirk reacts somewhat curiously to Spock's remark, but it is Decker who articulates it: DECKER (troubled; suspicious) We don't know that, Mr. Spock. Why are you opposed to trying? Before Spock can reply: UHURA They're pulling us inside...! All face the Viewer again, react, with McCoy who has been observing all these reactions now galvanized into action: McCOY (to Chekov) Medical observers to all decks! And he hurries toward the elevators, CAMERA WITH HIM a moment, then SWINGING BACK TO: 240A PAST KIRK TO VIEWER (O) 240A Kirk staring at the viewer -- the "iris" now fully open so that the exterior of V'ger is no longer visible -- and all we can SEE is the monstrous void dead ahead, which is looming faster and larger before our eyes. And now we are inside. 241 OMITTED 241 - - 243 243 244 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER - AT THE "IRIS" (S) 244 Enterprise now being pulled past the opening -- into the ship proper. Now we can SEE that the dark void is actually a vast chamber, dimly and intermittently lit by POWERFIELDS appearing and vanishing along the vessel's inner walls, which are miles away in the distance. And here and there in the chamber gigantic ENERGY DISPLAYS erupt briefly with a certain symmetry that suggests they must be part of V'ger's ower or control systems. 245 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 245 Kirk peering awed at the Viewer, the incredible sight of the chamber -- suddenly glances up to see that Spock is standing beside him -- Decker nearby, turns to Spock: DECKER (to Spock) Why bring us inside? Not to destroy us; they could have done that outside. KIRK They could have many ways of destroying things, Mr. Decker. SPOCK (peering at Viewer) Something about us puzzles them... perhaps even concerns them. 245A ANGLE ON UHURA 245A Reacting to a console reading: UHURA Captain, photic-sonar readings indicate the aperture is closing; we're trapped, sir...! 246 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE ENTERING V'GER (S) 246 The starship is pulled inside, the "iris" is closing behind it. 247 INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING THE VIEWER (O) 247 The viewer image changing from the huge dark chamber, rear angle shot, showing the "iris" closing. SULU Reverse angle on the viewer, Captain. On the viewer the final glimmer from exterior space as the "iris" closes completely. 248 REACTIONS 248 All eyes on the viewer, CAMERA FINDING ONE FACE AFTER ANOTHER, the reality of the situation etched into each face. Then: 248A FAVORING KIRK 248A As Spock turns from a reading: SPOCK The tractor beam has released us, Captain. DIFALCO Confirmed: Vessel is floating free. No forward momentum. KIRK Viewer ahead. SULU Viewer ahead, sir. 248B INSERT - MAIN VIEWER 248B Ahead, the cavernous interior of V'ger. 248C BACK TO SHOT 248C Kirk eying the main viewer -- Decker watching Kirk. KIRK Maneuvering thrusters, Mr. Sulu; ahead one third. (to Spock) Full sensor scan, Mr. Spock; they can't expect us not to look them over now! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters ahead, one third. SPOCK (manipulating controls) Commencing sensor scans. Kirk rises, goes to Spock's station. 249 INT. V'GER ENTRANCE CHAMBER - ENTERPRISE (S) 249 The Enterprise moving slowly forward in this vastness, its running lights merely specks of light, candles in the darkness. In the distance those occasional ERUPT- ING POWER DISPLAYS in distant locations, sizes, shapes and patterns. 250 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING MAIN VIEWER (O) 250 showing another persective of the above, and further away GLOWING ENERGY FIELDS dimly illuminating the alien ship's walls -- miles away. Strange semi--solid LIGHT SHAPES (some are "sensor-bee" swarms) traverse the dark- ness in random directions. But in the distance ahead, there seems to be an opening to another chamber. SULU (of Viewer) Something ahead, sir; looks like another area... (reacts) It's closing up...! Sulu is indicating what appears to be a lace-bulwark of POWERFIELD PATTERNS closing off the "chamber" in the distance ahead. Kirk, from the Science Station calls out: KIRK Hold station...! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters at station keeping... 251 ANGLE EMPHASIZING SPOCK 251 at his Science consoles, working rapidly, shifting from one set of controls to another. Now he hits a master control -- his console monitors FLASH, then go dark. SPOCK Captain... Spock brings a monitor IMAGE ON again, indicates a (Povill) pattern showing a line hitting something, then reversing direction. SPOCK (continuing) All scans are being reflected back, Captain. Our sensors are useless. 251A ACROSS THEM TO THE MAIN VIEWER 251A Kirk reacts with disappointment, indicates the main viewer. KIRK Have you been able to analyze any of this...? SPOCK (voice increasingly reverential) I believe the light flares to be energy fields -- undoubtedly part of the vessel's inner mechanism. A technology so incredibly sophisticated that I cannot -- COMPUTER VOICE (overlapping) Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert..! (continues) 252 OMITTED 252 - - 253 253 254 ANGLE ON CHEKOV 254 Reacting to a console reading: CHEKOV Deck four, Captain; Officers' Quarters...! KIRK (to Chekov) Have a security team meet me at Deck Four main elevator! A moment's reaction from all at this, Kirk hurrying toward elevator, calling: KIRK (continuing) Take the conn, Mr. Decker: Hold present position... (gesturing Spock to join him) Spock... And Spock rises, joins Kirk and they hurriedly exit, the CAMERA SWINGING BACK to Decker, his perplexed con- cern (because of Ilia). 254A INT. ILIA'S CABIN - THE SONIC SHOWER 254A Where we SEE, behind the translucent stall door, what is unmistakably the form of the NUDE FEMALE. 255 INT. ILIA'S CABIN - KIRK 255 entering, Spock slightly behind him - and one Security Guard. Kirk glances around the room, now glances at the shower area and reacts as he sees the NAKED FORM. The others react similarly, even Spock cannot help re- pressing an expression of surprise. A moment's uncer- tainty as Kirk peers at them, then he steps to the stall door, hesitates another instant -- then slides the door open. (NOTE: Arrange lighting for bizarre, mysterious effect.) Kirk's eyes cannot believe what he is seeing: 255A "ILIA" 255A standing in the sonic mist, naked but for a small multi-colored button embedded in her throat. As she looks at Kirk -- and the others -- the men peer back at her, speechless. "ILIA" I have been programmed by V'ger to observe and record normal functioning of the carbon-based units infesting USS ENTERPRISE. Kirk peers at her another nonplussed moment, then leans into the shower to touch a control, his eyes fixed on the lovely body behind the mist. He punches in a three digit code. Immediately a HUMMING SOUND emanates from the shower stall, Kirk closing the door, but 'Ilia" remaining inside. 256 ACROSS KIRK AND THE OTHERS TO THE SHOWER STALL 256 The HUMMING SOUND just now reaching a gentle crescendo -- through the translucent door you can see COLORS ENVELOPING "ILIA'S" FORM. And now the SOUND STOPS. "Ilia", attired in a leisure robe, steps from the stall, into the room. She stands facing Kirk, her face impas- sive, eyes unblinking. He looks her back a moment, then glances at Spock, who is gazing at "Ilia" in abso- lute fascination. Kirk addresses her: KIRK Who is...'V'ger'...? "ILIA" V'ger is that which programmed me. KIRK Is V'ger the Captain of the alien vessel? 256A ANGLE ON THE DOOR - McCOY 256A rushing in, concerned: McCOY Jim, what's -- At the sight of 'Ilia", McCoy's words die in his throat -- and his trained eyes have instantly told him some- thing is awry. He unslings his tricorder, aims the sensor unit at "Ilia". As he reads his instruments, his face reveals the results (incredulity, fascination). Meanwhile, from the start: "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. McCOY (of "Ilia") Jim, this is a mechanism...! Kirk stares at McCoy, then at "Ilia" and realizes that "Ilia" is indeed non-human. And quickly: KIRK Where is Lt. Ilia? "ILIA" That unit no longer functions. I have been given its form to more readily communicate with the carbon-based units infesting Enterprise. SECURITY GUARD "Carbon-based units"...? McCOY (drily) Humans, Ensign Lang: us. (continues tricorder exam, increasingly impressed) KIRK (to "Ilia") Why does V'ger travel to the third planet of the solar system directly ahead? "ILIA" V'ger travels to the third planet to find the Creator. Stunned, disbelieving reactions as all four attempt to digest this -- Spock gazing at "Ilia" with even more rapt fascination. Kirk, bewildered, addresses the others: KIRK Find the Creator? What Creator? Whose...!? (to "Ilia") What does V'ger want of the 'Creator'... ? "ILIA" To join with him. 256B FAVORING SPOCK 256B suddenly alert, addressing "Ilia": SPOCK Join with the Creator... ? How? "ILIA" V'ger and the Creator will become One. SPOCK Who is the Creator? McCOY (worried) Mr. Spock, be careful. "ILIA" The Creator is that which created V'ger. KIRK Who is V'ger? "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. Another moment of total exasperation, frustration, during which "Ilia" seems to be waiting politely, patiently for any further questions. When none are forthcoming: "ILIA" (continuing; pleasant, bland) I am ready to commence my observations. SPOCK (fast; to McCoy) Doctor, a thorough examination of this probe might provide some insight into those who manufactured it, and how to deal with them. McCOY Let's get her to sickbay. And he grasps "Ilia's" arm to escort her. But is as though he has seized cast iron: immovable. McCoy is thrown off balance merely by 'Ilia's" remaining sta- tionary. She ignores McCoy, addresses Kirk: "ILIA" I am programmed to observe and record normal functioning procedures of the carbon-based units. 256B Kirk glances at McCoy, who is totally bemused, but then 256B Kirk quickly responds to "Ilia": KIRK The examination is a normal function. "ILIA" (a beat) You may proceede. McCOY (carefully) Thank you. 257 CLOSE SHOT OF EXAMINING ROOM VIEWER (O) 257 scanning a "body". PULL BACK TO SHOW McCoy, Chapel, Kirk, Spock and Chekov -- standing over "ILIA" who lies prone on the table, the physicians moving the scanner over her. McCOY (from the start; indicating) ... micro-miniature hydraulics, sensors, molecule-sized multi- processor chips... and look at this... In the b.g., Decker enters, grimly observes the proceed- ings. CHAPEL (impressed) An osmotic micro-pump... here and here. Even the smallest body functions are exactly duplicated. (traces with finger on screen) And every exocrine system is here, too -- Chapel breaks off abruptly, noticing "Ilia" is peering intently -- almost with a glimmer of recognition -- at Decker. Slightly disconcerted, Chapel continues: CHAPEL (continuing) -- even eye moisture. "ILIA" (peering at Decker) Deck -- er. 257A FAVORING SPOCK 257A as everyone reacts to "Ilia's" utterance of Decker's name. It seems to make the deepest impression on Spock, confirming something he has suspected. SPOCK (to "Ilia") Interesting. Not 'Decker-unit'? "Ilia" continues peering at Decker with just a hint of a puzzled frown, a glimmer of distant recognition. It's the first time we've seen her expression look anything but cool and bland. This results in the quizzical rising of one of Spock's eyebrows. 258 ANOTHER ANGLE 258 McCoy's examination now turns "Ilia" away from the others. Spock quickly catches Kirk's and Decker's attention, indicates an adjoining door -- they fol- low him out of the room. 259 INT. McCOY'S OFFICE 259 as Kirk, Spock and Decker enter, the door snapping shut -- and Spock touching the electronic lock to secure them. He faces the others: SPOCK Captain... this probe may be a key a key to the Aliens. DECKER It's a programmed mechanism, Mr. Spock... SPOCK We have just seen that its body duplicates our navigator in precise detail. Suppose that beneath its programming, the real Ilia's memory patterns are duplicated with equal precision. KIRK They had a pattern to follow... SPOCK (nods) ... they may have followed it too precisely. KIRK (comprehending) Ilia's memory, her feelings of loyalty, friendship, obedience... might all be there. 259A ANGLE ON DECKER 259A also comprehending, and not liking it one bit as Spock and Kirk are both turning their attention to him. SPOCK Exactly. (to Decker) And you did have a 'relationship' with Lieutenant Ilia, Commander. DECKER That probe in there -- in a different form now -- is the same thing that killed Ilia! KIRK Commander, we're locked in an alien vessel, six hours from Earth orbit, our only contact with our captors is the probe. If we can control it, persuade it, use it in some way... Interrupted by the SOUND of someone trying to open the locked door behind them. Then a METAL RIPPING SOUND as they whirl to see: 260 MEDICAL OFFICE DOOR 260 with the METAL BUCKLING, TEARING -- and a single hand slicing the steel door like paper. It is the "Ilia" probe, her face absolutely impassive, her whole manner incongruously benign. (Behind her, a startled McCoy, Chapel and Chekov.) "Ilia" speaks flatly, blandly. "ILIA" I have recorded enough here. (motions to Kirk) You will now assist me further. Kirk exchanges a quick glance with Spock. Then: KIRK (indicating Decker) The Decker-unit can assist you with much greater efficiency... "Ilia" has seemed about to object -- but now her eyes hold on Decker. Then she nods. KIRK (continuing) Carry on with your assignment, Mr. Decker. 260A ANOTHER ANGLE - ACROSS DECKER TO THE SMASHED DOOR 260A (AND "ILIA") as Decker looks at "Ilia" who stands at the torn door. You can read Decker's mind: I'm supposed to persuade that?! He turns back, finds Kirk's eyes on him. Decker nods. DECKER Aye, sir. "Ilia" and a reluctant Decker EXIT. 260B EMPHASIZING SPOCK 260B looking very troubled as they watch Decker and "Ilia" leave. Kirk notices. KIRK Spock? Concerned about his chances? SPOCK I am uneasy with that being our only hope of more information. Spock EXITS. 261 INT. V'GER - THE ENTERPRISE 261 floating in the vast, eerie, alien chamber -- sporadic FLASHES OF ENERGY, erupting now and then. Various other EFFECTS. OVER this, Kirk's VOICE: KIRK (V.O.) Captain's Log. Stardate 7414.1. Our best estimates place us some four hours from Earth. No significant Ilia memory patterns within the alien probe. This remains our only means of contact with our captor. 262 INT. ENTERPRISE AIRLOCK AREA 262 The area dimly lit -- unoccupied but for a lone AIRLOCK TECHNICIAN checking and adjusting instruments. The CAMERA MOVES PAST him to FIND: 263 SPOCK 263 His face fixed with grim determination, walking quietly with obvious intent not to attract the Tech's attention. Now he steals up behind the TECH -- and in an instant has applied a Vulcan nerve pinch. The Tech slumps over his console. 264 INT KIRK'S CABIN - VIEWER MONITOR 264 Showing a CLOSE SHOT of ENTERPRISE PICTURES, then PULL BACK SLIGHTLY for an IMAGE of Decker and "Ilia" walk- ing through the Rec Deck. PULL BACK FURTHER TO SHOW Kirk watching this -- and with him is McCoy. They continue watching a troubled beat, as: DECKER (of pictures) All these vessels were called "Enterprise". "Ilia" is giving the pictures a very interested look as we HEAR in Kirk's cabin: UHURA'S INTERCOM VOICE (controlled excitement) Bridge to Captain... 265 OMITTED 265 266 INT. BRIDGE - UHURA'S STATION (SCIENCE STATION IN 266 B.G.) Uhura at her console, struggling to hear the signal. KIRK'S INTERCOM VOICE Kirk here. In the b.g., Spock's station a MAINTENANCE TEAM is replacing the broken Science Station computer. (Spock is conspicuously absent.) UHURA A faint signal from Starfleet, sir. They have the intruder on their monitors... (struggling to hear) They show us... three hours... twenty-four minutes from Earth! KIRK'S VOICE (thru intercom) Thank you. 267 INT. RECREATION DECK 267 Decker and "Ilia", the Rec Deck unoccupied but for a pair of wary SECURITY GUARDS at a very discreet dis- tance. They are near the pictures of the five Enter- prises, which should be FEATURED in this SHOT, as Decker waves his hand about the huge room. DECKER The carbon units use this area for recreation... (carefully) What type of recreation does the crew aboard your vessel enjoy...? 268 CLOSER TWO SHOT (PICTURES O.S.) 268 As "Ilia" moves on into the room, Decker follows: "ILIA" The words 'recreation' and 'enjoy' have no meaning to my programming. Decker peers at the lovely android with frustration -- and no little pain, for she is after all the exact replica of Ilia. She pays not the slightest attention to Decker's reaction, and begins walking about the Rec Deck taking in (and, clearly, transmitting all images to V'ger) the sights. They are near a game area (elec- tronic games), and now Decker points to one game, switches it on -- presses button to activate its LIGHTS and SOUNDS. "Ilia" watches interestedly as Decker operates the game. DECKER Ilia 'enjoyed' this game... she nearly always won -- And he demonstrates again, as "Ilia" steps to the device, deftly hits some buttons -- and for just an instant she turns to Decker with a momentary glimmer of recognition. 269 INT. KIRK'S CABIN - GROUP WATCHING THE MONITOR 269 McCoy watching with special interest: McCOY (approving) Good! He's using audial-visual association. But the words are not out of McCoy's mouth when "Ilia" says: "ILIA" This device serves no purpose. She steps away from the game; Decker's disappointment is evident. So is everyone elses. KIRK Damn...! McCOY (nods grimly) She needs something else: something much more personal to stimulate memory patterns. Something with a more emotional tie. Kirk reacts to this, reflective. 270 INT. REC DECK FULL ON DECKER AND "ILIA" 270 Decker waving back toward the general area of the Enterprise pictures. DECKER The crews of the previous Enterprises were also carbon units. In what way is the life form in your vessel different? "ILIA" Carbon units are not true life forms... Do those images repre- sent how Enterprise has evolved into its present form? DECKER (hoping he's struck a responsive chord) Yes. "ILIA" Carbon units have clearly retarded Enterprise's proper evolvement. DECKER (controlling surprise) What is Enterprise's proper evolvement? "ILIA" Enterprise should not require the presence of carbon units. And with this she moves off, observing other Rec Deck objects. Decker moves with her; then: DECKER (carefully) Enterprise would be unable to function without carbon units. "ILIA" More data concerning this functioning is necessary before carbon units can be patterned for data storage. 271 ACROSS "ILIA" TO DECKER 271 as he reacts to this ominous note; he stops abruptly. DECKER What does that mean? "ILIA" (stopping; almost pleasantly) When my examination is complete, the carbon units will be reduced to data patterns. This has been delivered with chilling blandness, and she stands facing Decker, almost as though waiting for him to thank her. He thinks fast now. DECKER Within you are memory patterns of a carbon unit. If I can help you revive these patterns; you could understand our functions better. "ILIA" That is logical. You may procede. 272 ON DECKER 272 realizing the difficult task ahead; the pain he will suffer. 273 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE (M) 273 The ship stationary in the chamber as now we SEE an exterior hatch sliding fully open. Up through the hatch a circular airlock door opens -- and a tiny figure in a thruster spacesuit emerges, steps into space, slowly floats down through the hatch and under the Enterprise saucer section. In this and subsequent VIEWS we will SEE that on the rear pack of his thruster spacesuit is a FLASHING STROBE LIGHT which regularly EMITS the identifying SIGNAL of this particular suit. (By which Kirk will be able to see Spock's position even from several miles away.) 274 CLOSER ON THE SPACESUITED FIGURE (M) 274 MOVING TOWARD the CAMERA until the features behind the face mask are clearly identifiable: Spock, his face set in the same grim, determined expression, as he touches his spacesuit transmitter control. SPOCK Computer, commence recording. Captain Kirk -- this message will detail my attempt to contact the aliens... 275 INT. BRIDGE 275 Kirk ENTERING, crossing Uhura as she calls: UHURA Starfleet signals, sir, growing in strength... (listening intently) They -- have Intruder on their monitors -- it's decelerating -- powerfield cloud beginning to dissipate... SULU Confirm, Captain. Lunar beacons indicate Intruder on a course into Earth orbit... CHEKOV (interrupting) Sir! Airlock four has been opened; a thruster suit is reported missing! KIRK (reacts knowingly) Spock...! (to navigator) Get a fix on his position! 276 INT. V'GER - MED. ON SPOCK 276 His features now set into an almost trance-like expres- sion as he concentrates on the thought emanations. Then we SEE his head turn, he peers off -- then he moves his thruster controls. We SEE the small blue jets of his thrusters -- his spacesuit figure begins to move off in the direction he was concentrating upon. 277 ANOTHER ANGLE - SPOCK 277 His thrusters moving him across V'ger's vast chamber then dropping down into a deep "trough"-like area which stretches into the distance ahead of him. A cloud of CRYSTAL FORMS (Kirk's entrapment) become visible to one side but Spock passes them at some dis- tance and does not attract them. We can SEE more clearly now the point on the inner wall of the trough toward which Spock is heading. It is an unusual combination of GLOWING FORCEFIELDS which seem to mark this point of the vessel as of some importance. (Here, also, we will become aware of "sensor-bee" swarms, intermittently darting toward this same wall from all points of the chamber.) 278 INT. AIRLOCK AREA 278 SHOWING Kirk in a thruster spacesuit, helmet being readied by AIRLOCK TECHNICIANS. McCoy is also here, arguing with Kirk: KIRK (from the start) ... I don't want him stopped, Bones; I want him to lead me to whatever's out there...! McCOY And if that 'whatever' has taken over his mind....? KIRK Then he'll have still led me to it, won't he? And Kirk steps into the airlock door, hits a control -- it begins sliding closed behind him. 279 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE 279 UP THROUGH the circular airlock door as it slides open -- and Kirk's tiny spacesuited figure floats down clear of the saucer. 280 CLOSER ON KIRK 280 SEEING his face through the spacesuit faceplate as he scans the darkness. SULU'S VOICE Bridge, Captain. We make Spock as 26 Mark 345 degrees off ship's axis. During which, Kirk spots something. 281 KIRK'S POV 281 Spock's STROBE blinker at a mile or so distance, nearing

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ENERGY BOLT which instantly envelopes First Security Man in a PURPLE GLOW (of implosion). Second Security Man has almost lifted his phaser -- but now carefully, slowly is moving his hand away from his weapon. 210 CLOSER - THE SECURITY MEN (O) 210 PURPLE GLOW FADES, the First Security Man has simply vanished. 210A FULL SHOT - BRIDGE 210A Chekov, like the others, horrified, flips a switch and the COMPUTER-VOICE ("Intruder Alert") goes OFF. At the same time Chekov speaks into his intercom: CHEKOV Security... do not send further teams! The Probe is sending out snake-like tendrils to the various consoles on the bridge. These tendrils lash out in a cobra-strike movement, the tendril-head seeming to enter into the console affected -- at which time all monitors and instrument lights there come ON as if the Probe is "reading" each console function. The crew carefully stays clear of the tendrils. Spock has risen, moving to Kirk's side as he slowly brings his tricorder up, very carefully extracting its tiny sensor and aiming it at the probe. CHEKOV (shaken) No intruder readings on other decks, Captain... (to Spock) Can that be one of their crew? SPOCK (quiet) A probe from their vessel... (to Kirk) A plasma-energy combination... Meanwhile, the probe is now hovering near Chekov who sits frozen, fists clenched, jaw tight. DECKER Don't interfere with it...! CHEKOV Absolutely, I will not interfere! 210B ANGLE INCLUDING SPOCK'S CONSOLE (O) 210B as the "probe" withdraws an energy-tendril from one bridge station and "inserts" it into another console. KIRK No one interfere...! It doesn't seem interested in us -- only the ship...! Kirk's words are never completed as suddenly all the energy tendrils withdraw from all consoles and a larger, more powerful-looking tendril lashes out, snaking into the science console complex. 210C CLOSER ON SCIENCE CONSOLE 210C Where, also immediately, all the console and computer lights are suddenly flashing wildly, rapidly -- -- There is an incredibly fast EXCHANGE OF HIGH-PITCHED BEES -- the computer obviously in unauthorized commu- nication with the probe! KIRK Computer off! DECKER It's taken control of the computer...! KIRK It's running our records! Starfleet strength, Earth defenses... As Decker moves to the main power control, Spock now steps in, his Vulcan strength easily brushing Kirk and Decker aside. Spock clasps his fists above his head, brings it down in a SHATTERING BLOW on the console. It splits open! As the bridge lights dim even more, and as the science console shorts itself out -- and off, Decker confronts Spock: DECKER We could have cut it off at the main computer... SPOCK This served the purpose. Kirk has been giving Spock a puzzled look -- Spock now turns abruptly, and: 210D ANOTHER ANGLE (O) 210D as Spock, in stepping back, accidentally brushes the probe's energy tendril -- a FLASH OF LIGHT at the contact point sends Spock sinning under the rail and to the floor near Ilia. The probe's energy-tendril has withdrawn from the darkened science console, hov- ers high over the dazed Spock as if angrily seeking the reason for the break in its computer contact. Spock starts to rise. ILIA Mr. Spock, don't move...! Decker steps toward her, AD LIBBING a grim "Ilia...!" But he has no chance as: 211 OMITTED 211 - - 219 219 220 CLOSER ON ILIA (O) 220 The Probe hovers over her, its whole mass seemingly about to envelope her with a single tendril extended toward her, somehow freezing her into immobility - and then the entire Probe DISSOLVES IN A BLINDING FLASH OF WHITE, obscuring Ilia. Almost instantly the WHITE FLASH FADES -- but Ilia has vanished -- her tricorder clattering to the deck. 221 OMITTED 221 222 ACROSS THE NAVIGATOR'S STATION TO KIRK AND DECKER 222 helpless, shocked, gazing at the place Ilia was -- but which is now empty. DECKER (to Kirk, quiet fury) This is how I define unwarranted! And almost at the same moment a new BRIDGE ALARM SIGNAL. 223 OMITTED 223 - - 232 232 233 The ALARM still sounding as from the giant alien ves- 233 sel, we SEE STRANGE, OPAQUE ENERGY PATTERNS STREAKING TOWARD US. Kirk vaults to the command chair, lunges for controls, as Decker races to the weapons-defense console. DECKER (voice amplified) The ship is under attack...! Man all defensive stations...! KIRK Forcefields, full remaining strength...! Total reserve! Appropriate ALARM KLAXONS, and COMPUTER VOICES begin SOUNDING, and all this is lost in a SUDDEN SHRILLING SOUND (a constant, high-pitched tone). For a moment the energy patterns are prominent on the viewer -- and then the PATTERNS VANISHED and the SHRILL SOUND FADES -- and: 234 FAVOR THE VIEWER (O) 234 showing V'ger GROWING RAPIDLY IN SIZE. The Enterprise is being pulled along the length of the big ship, toward its "prow." SPOCK Captain, we have been seized by a tractor beam...! KIRK (to Decker) Get someone up here to take the Navigator's station...! (into intercom) Engineering... full emergency power! DECKER (into intercom) Chief Difalco to the bridge; on the double! 234A ENGINEERING 234A in a state of controlled chaos, all personnel at their stations, the Engine CORE GLOWING. Scott is working his controls, speaking into the intercom: SCOTT Going to full emergency... (studying readings) But Captain, if we don't break free in fifteen seconds, she'll burn up... 234B INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING SPOCK 234B as Spock studies his readings, and: SPOCK We cannot break free, Captain. (indicates monitors) We do not have a fraction of the power necessary. KIRK (into intercom) Delay that order, Scotty...! Disengage all main drive systems! Spock peers in deep concentration at the Main Viewer, trying to sense some clue. Kirk glances at him another moment, then turns to the Main Viewer himself, watches in frustrated helplessness. 235 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE BEING PULLED TOWARD V'GER (S) 235 the starship being pulled toward the giant as though on a taut cable. As we MOVE CLOSER, we SEE still more intricate details of the incredible Alien design. 236 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 236 as Difalco arrives on the run, and Decker AD LIBS to her, "Assume Navigator's station, Chief...!" Difalco, bewildered, wants to ask what happened, but no time, and she quickly sits at the post, begins orienting herself. Meanwhile, Decker has begun an Executive Officer's bridge circuit, assisting with various con- soles. Kirk is glancing toward Spock who continues concentrating on the Viewer, striving to comprehend the myriad of thoughts he is sensing from he Aliens. McCoy also arrives on the bridge, takes in the chaotic scene, watches the Viewer grimly. 237 OMITTED 237 - - 238 238 239 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER (S) 239 At the forward end of the giant, an odd-shapped "iris" begins opening menacingly. And it is frighteningly obvious that the tractor beam is pulling the Enterprise to the opening. 240 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 240 showing the unusual "iris" now almost fully open as Enterprise is drawn closer, closer -- through the "iris" we now SEE (some of) V'ger's interior: a dark void relieved only by strange flickering glows of dis- tant ENERGY FIELD PATTERNS. The crew reacts with understandable awe, apprehension, curiosity, as: DECKER Captain, suggest a maximum phaser strike directly at the beam might weaken it just enough for us to break free -- Spock replies for Kirk: quickly, as though to make his point convincingly: SPOCK Break free to where, Commander...? (to Kirk) Any show of resistance would not only be futile, Catain... 240XA ACROSS SPOCK TO KIRK (DECKER AND McCOY IN B.G.) 240XA as Kirk reacts somewhat curiously to Spock's remark, but it is Decker who articulates it: DECKER (troubled; suspicious) We don't know that, Mr. Spock. Why are you opposed to trying? Before Spock can reply: UHURA They're pulling us inside...! All face the Viewer again, react, with McCoy who has been observing all these reactions now galvanized into action: McCOY (to Chekov) Medical observers to all decks! And he hurries toward the elevators, CAMERA WITH HIM a moment, then SWINGING BACK TO: 240A PAST KIRK TO VIEWER (O) 240A Kirk staring at the viewer -- the "iris" now fully open so that the exterior of V'ger is no longer visible -- and all we can SEE is the monstrous void dead ahead, which is looming faster and larger before our eyes. And now we are inside. 241 OMITTED 241 - - 243 243 244 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER - AT THE "IRIS" (S) 244 Enterprise now being pulled past the opening -- into the ship proper. Now we can SEE that the dark void is actually a vast chamber, dimly and intermittently lit by POWERFIELDS appearing and vanishing along the vessel's inner walls, which are miles away in the distance. And here and there in the chamber gigantic ENERGY DISPLAYS erupt briefly with a certain symmetry that suggests they must be part of V'ger's ower or control systems. 245 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 245 Kirk peering awed at the Viewer, the incredible sight of the chamber -- suddenly glances up to see that Spock is standing beside him -- Decker nearby, turns to Spock: DECKER (to Spock) Why bring us inside? Not to destroy us; they could have done that outside. KIRK They could have many ways of destroying things, Mr. Decker. SPOCK (peering at Viewer) Something about us puzzles them... perhaps even concerns them. 245A ANGLE ON UHURA 245A Reacting to a console reading: UHURA Captain, photic-sonar readings indicate the aperture is closing; we're trapped, sir...! 246 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE ENTERING V'GER (S) 246 The starship is pulled inside, the "iris" is closing behind it. 247 INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING THE VIEWER (O) 247 The viewer image changing from the huge dark chamber, rear angle shot, showing the "iris" closing. SULU Reverse angle on the viewer, Captain. On the viewer the final glimmer from exterior space as the "iris" closes completely. 248 REACTIONS 248 All eyes on the viewer, CAMERA FINDING ONE FACE AFTER ANOTHER, the reality of the situation etched into each face. Then: 248A FAVORING KIRK 248A As Spock turns from a reading: SPOCK The tractor beam has released us, Captain. DIFALCO Confirmed: Vessel is floating free. No forward momentum. KIRK Viewer ahead. SULU Viewer ahead, sir. 248B INSERT - MAIN VIEWER 248B Ahead, the cavernous interior of V'ger. 248C BACK TO SHOT 248C Kirk eying the main viewer -- Decker watching Kirk. KIRK Maneuvering thrusters, Mr. Sulu; ahead one third. (to Spock) Full sensor scan, Mr. Spock; they can't expect us not to look them over now! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters ahead, one third. SPOCK (manipulating controls) Commencing sensor scans. Kirk rises, goes to Spock's station. 249 INT. V'GER ENTRANCE CHAMBER - ENTERPRISE (S) 249 The Enterprise moving slowly forward in this vastness, its running lights merely specks of light, candles in the darkness. In the distance those occasional ERUPT- ING POWER DISPLAYS in distant locations, sizes, shapes and patterns. 250 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING MAIN VIEWER (O) 250 showing another persective of the above, and further away GLOWING ENERGY FIELDS dimly illuminating the alien ship's walls -- miles away. Strange semi--solid LIGHT SHAPES (some are "sensor-bee" swarms) traverse the dark- ness in random directions. But in the distance ahead, there seems to be an opening to another chamber. SULU (of Viewer) Something ahead, sir; looks like another area... (reacts) It's closing up...! Sulu is indicating what appears to be a lace-bulwark of POWERFIELD PATTERNS closing off the "chamber" in the distance ahead. Kirk, from the Science Station calls out: KIRK Hold station...! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters at station keeping... 251 ANGLE EMPHASIZING SPOCK 251 at his Science consoles, working rapidly, shifting from one set of controls to another. Now he hits a master control -- his console monitors FLASH, then go dark. SPOCK Captain... Spock brings a monitor IMAGE ON again, indicates a (Povill) pattern showing a line hitting something, then reversing direction. SPOCK (continuing) All scans are being reflected back, Captain. Our sensors are useless. 251A ACROSS THEM TO THE MAIN VIEWER 251A Kirk reacts with disappointment, indicates the main viewer. KIRK Have you been able to analyze any of this...? SPOCK (voice increasingly reverential) I believe the light flares to be energy fields -- undoubtedly part of the vessel's inner mechanism. A technology so incredibly sophisticated that I cannot -- COMPUTER VOICE (overlapping) Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert..! (continues) 252 OMITTED 252 - - 253 253 254 ANGLE ON CHEKOV 254 Reacting to a console reading: CHEKOV Deck four, Captain; Officers' Quarters...! KIRK (to Chekov) Have a security team meet me at Deck Four main elevator! A moment's reaction from all at this, Kirk hurrying toward elevator, calling: KIRK (continuing) Take the conn, Mr. Decker: Hold present position... (gesturing Spock to join him) Spock... And Spock rises, joins Kirk and they hurriedly exit, the CAMERA SWINGING BACK to Decker, his perplexed con- cern (because of Ilia). 254A INT. ILIA'S CABIN - THE SONIC SHOWER 254A Where we SEE, behind the translucent stall door, what is unmistakably the form of the NUDE FEMALE. 255 INT. ILIA'S CABIN - KIRK 255 entering, Spock slightly behind him - and one Security Guard. Kirk glances around the room, now glances at the shower area and reacts as he sees the NAKED FORM. The others react similarly, even Spock cannot help re- pressing an expression of surprise. A moment's uncer- tainty as Kirk peers at them, then he steps to the stall door, hesitates another instant -- then slides the door open. (NOTE: Arrange lighting for bizarre, mysterious effect.) Kirk's eyes cannot believe what he is seeing: 255A "ILIA" 255A standing in the sonic mist, naked but for a small multi-colored button embedded in her throat. As she looks at Kirk -- and the others -- the men peer back at her, speechless. "ILIA" I have been programmed by V'ger to observe and record normal functioning of the carbon-based units infesting USS ENTERPRISE. Kirk peers at her another nonplussed moment, then leans into the shower to touch a control, his eyes fixed on the lovely body behind the mist. He punches in a three digit code. Immediately a HUMMING SOUND emanates from the shower stall, Kirk closing the door, but 'Ilia" remaining inside. 256 ACROSS KIRK AND THE OTHERS TO THE SHOWER STALL 256 The HUMMING SOUND just now reaching a gentle crescendo -- through the translucent door you can see COLORS ENVELOPING "ILIA'S" FORM. And now the SOUND STOPS. "Ilia", attired in a leisure robe, steps from the stall, into the room. She stands facing Kirk, her face impas- sive, eyes unblinking. He looks her back a moment, then glances at Spock, who is gazing at "Ilia" in abso- lute fascination. Kirk addresses her: KIRK Who is...'V'ger'...? "ILIA" V'ger is that which programmed me. KIRK Is V'ger the Captain of the alien vessel? 256A ANGLE ON THE DOOR - McCOY 256A rushing in, concerned: McCOY Jim, what's -- At the sight of 'Ilia", McCoy's words die in his throat -- and his trained eyes have instantly told him some- thing is awry. He unslings his tricorder, aims the sensor unit at "Ilia". As he reads his instruments, his face reveals the results (incredulity, fascination). Meanwhile, from the start: "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. McCOY (of "Ilia") Jim, this is a mechanism...! Kirk stares at McCoy, then at "Ilia" and realizes that "Ilia" is indeed non-human. And quickly: KIRK Where is Lt. Ilia? "ILIA" That unit no longer functions. I have been given its form to more readily communicate with the carbon-based units infesting Enterprise. SECURITY GUARD "Carbon-based units"...? McCOY (drily) Humans, Ensign Lang: us. (continues tricorder exam, increasingly impressed) KIRK (to "Ilia") Why does V'ger travel to the third planet of the solar system directly ahead? "ILIA" V'ger travels to the third planet to find the Creator. Stunned, disbelieving reactions as all four attempt to digest this -- Spock gazing at "Ilia" with even more rapt fascination. Kirk, bewildered, addresses the others: KIRK Find the Creator? What Creator? Whose...!? (to "Ilia") What does V'ger want of the 'Creator'... ? "ILIA" To join with him. 256B FAVORING SPOCK 256B suddenly alert, addressing "Ilia": SPOCK Join with the Creator... ? How? "ILIA" V'ger and the Creator will become One. SPOCK Who is the Creator? McCOY (worried) Mr. Spock, be careful. "ILIA" The Creator is that which created V'ger. KIRK Who is V'ger? "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. Another moment of total exasperation, frustration, during which "Ilia" seems to be waiting politely, patiently for any further questions. When none are forthcoming: "ILIA" (continuing; pleasant, bland) I am ready to commence my observations. SPOCK (fast; to McCoy) Doctor, a thorough examination of this probe might provide some insight into those who manufactured it, and how to deal with them. McCOY Let's get her to sickbay. And he grasps "Ilia's" arm to escort her. But is as though he has seized cast iron: immovable. McCoy is thrown off balance merely by 'Ilia's" remaining sta- tionary. She ignores McCoy, addresses Kirk: "ILIA" I am programmed to observe and record normal functioning procedures of the carbon-based units. 256B Kirk glances at McCoy, who is totally bemused, but then 256B Kirk quickly responds to "Ilia": KIRK The examination is a normal function. "ILIA" (a beat) You may proceede. McCOY (carefully) Thank you. 257 CLOSE SHOT OF EXAMINING ROOM VIEWER (O) 257 scanning a "body". PULL BACK TO SHOW McCoy, Chapel, Kirk, Spock and Chekov -- standing over "ILIA" who lies prone on the table, the physicians moving the scanner over her. McCOY (from the start; indicating) ... micro-miniature hydraulics, sensors, molecule-sized multi- processor chips... and look at this... In the b.g., Decker enters, grimly observes the proceed- ings. CHAPEL (impressed) An osmotic micro-pump... here and here. Even the smallest body functions are exactly duplicated. (traces with finger on screen) And every exocrine system is here, too -- Chapel breaks off abruptly, noticing "Ilia" is peering intently -- almost with a glimmer of recognition -- at Decker. Slightly disconcerted, Chapel continues: CHAPEL (continuing) -- even eye moisture. "ILIA" (peering at Decker) Deck -- er. 257A FAVORING SPOCK 257A as everyone reacts to "Ilia's" utterance of Decker's name. It seems to make the deepest impression on Spock, confirming something he has suspected. SPOCK (to "Ilia") Interesting. Not 'Decker-unit'? "Ilia" continues peering at Decker with just a hint of a puzzled frown, a glimmer of distant recognition. It's the first time we've seen her expression look anything but cool and bland. This results in the quizzical rising of one of Spock's eyebrows. 258 ANOTHER ANGLE 258 McCoy's examination now turns "Ilia" away from the others. Spock quickly catches Kirk's and Decker's attention, indicates an adjoining door -- they fol- low him out of the room. 259 INT. McCOY'S OFFICE 259 as Kirk, Spock and Decker enter, the door snapping shut -- and Spock touching the electronic lock to secure them. He faces the others: SPOCK Captain... this probe may be a key a key to the Aliens. DECKER It's a programmed mechanism, Mr. Spock... SPOCK We have just seen that its body duplicates our navigator in precise detail. Suppose that beneath its programming, the real Ilia's memory patterns are duplicated with equal precision. KIRK They had a pattern to follow... SPOCK (nods) ... they may have followed it too precisely. KIRK (comprehending) Ilia's memory, her feelings of loyalty, friendship, obedience... might all be there. 259A ANGLE ON DECKER 259A also comprehending, and not liking it one bit as Spock and Kirk are both turning their attention to him. SPOCK Exactly. (to Decker) And you did have a 'relationship' with Lieutenant Ilia, Commander. DECKER That probe in there -- in a different form now -- is the same thing that killed Ilia! KIRK Commander, we're locked in an alien vessel, six hours from Earth orbit, our only contact with our captors is the probe. If we can control it, persuade it, use it in some way... Interrupted by the SOUND of someone trying to open the locked door behind them. Then a METAL RIPPING SOUND as they whirl to see: 260 MEDICAL OFFICE DOOR 260 with the METAL BUCKLING, TEARING -- and a single hand slicing the steel door like paper. It is the "Ilia" probe, her face absolutely impassive, her whole manner incongruously benign. (Behind her, a startled McCoy, Chapel and Chekov.) "Ilia" speaks flatly, blandly. "ILIA" I have recorded enough here. (motions to Kirk) You will now assist me further. Kirk exchanges a quick glance with Spock. Then: KIRK (indicating Decker) The Decker-unit can assist you with much greater efficiency... "Ilia" has seemed about to object -- but now her eyes hold on Decker. Then she nods. KIRK (continuing) Carry on with your assignment, Mr. Decker. 260A ANOTHER ANGLE - ACROSS DECKER TO THE SMASHED DOOR 260A (AND "ILIA") as Decker looks at "Ilia" who stands at the torn door. You can read Decker's mind: I'm supposed to persuade that?! He turns back, finds Kirk's eyes on him. Decker nods. DECKER Aye, sir. "Ilia" and a reluctant Decker EXIT. 260B EMPHASIZING SPOCK 260B looking very troubled as they watch Decker and "Ilia" leave. Kirk notices. KIRK Spock? Concerned about his chances? SPOCK I am uneasy with that being our only hope of more information. Spock EXITS. 261 INT. V'GER - THE ENTERPRISE 261 floating in the vast, eerie, alien chamber -- sporadic FLASHES OF ENERGY, erupting now and then. Various other EFFECTS. OVER this, Kirk's VOICE: KIRK (V.O.) Captain's Log. Stardate 7414.1. Our best estimates place us some four hours from Earth. No significant Ilia memory patterns within the alien probe. This remains our only means of contact with our captor. 262 INT. ENTERPRISE AIRLOCK AREA 262 The area dimly lit -- unoccupied but for a lone AIRLOCK TECHNICIAN checking and adjusting instruments. The CAMERA MOVES PAST him to FIND: 263 SPOCK 263 His face fixed with grim determination, walking quietly with obvious intent not to attract the Tech's attention. Now he steals up behind the TECH -- and in an instant has applied a Vulcan nerve pinch. The Tech slumps over his console. 264 INT KIRK'S CABIN - VIEWER MONITOR 264 Showing a CLOSE SHOT of ENTERPRISE PICTURES, then PULL BACK SLIGHTLY for an IMAGE of Decker and "Ilia" walk- ing through the Rec Deck. PULL BACK FURTHER TO SHOW Kirk watching this -- and with him is McCoy. They continue watching a troubled beat, as: DECKER (of pictures) All these vessels were called "Enterprise". "Ilia" is giving the pictures a very interested look as we HEAR in Kirk's cabin: UHURA'S INTERCOM VOICE (controlled excitement) Bridge to Captain... 265 OMITTED 265 266 INT. BRIDGE - UHURA'S STATION (SCIENCE STATION IN 266 B.G.) Uhura at her console, struggling to hear the signal. KIRK'S INTERCOM VOICE Kirk here. In the b.g., Spock's station a MAINTENANCE TEAM is replacing the broken Science Station computer. (Spock is conspicuously absent.) UHURA A faint signal from Starfleet, sir. They have the intruder on their monitors... (struggling to hear) They show us... three hours... twenty-four minutes from Earth! KIRK'S VOICE (thru intercom) Thank you. 267 INT. RECREATION DECK 267 Decker and "Ilia", the Rec Deck unoccupied but for a pair of wary SECURITY GUARDS at a very discreet dis- tance. They are near the pictures of the five Enter- prises, which should be FEATURED in this SHOT, as Decker waves his hand about the huge room. DECKER The carbon units use this area for recreation... (carefully) What type of recreation does the crew aboard your vessel enjoy...? 268 CLOSER TWO SHOT (PICTURES O.S.) 268 As "Ilia" moves on into the room, Decker follows: "ILIA" The words 'recreation' and 'enjoy' have no meaning to my programming. Decker peers at the lovely android with frustration -- and no little pain, for she is after all the exact replica of Ilia. She pays not the slightest attention to Decker's reaction, and begins walking about the Rec Deck taking in (and, clearly, transmitting all images to V'ger) the sights. They are near a game area (elec- tronic games), and now Decker points to one game, switches it on -- presses button to activate its LIGHTS and SOUNDS. "Ilia" watches interestedly as Decker operates the game. DECKER Ilia 'enjoyed' this game... she nearly always won -- And he demonstrates again, as "Ilia" steps to the device, deftly hits some buttons -- and for just an instant she turns to Decker with a momentary glimmer of recognition. 269 INT. KIRK'S CABIN - GROUP WATCHING THE MONITOR 269 McCoy watching with special interest: McCOY (approving) Good! He's using audial-visual association. But the words are not out of McCoy's mouth when "Ilia" says: "ILIA" This device serves no purpose. She steps away from the game; Decker's disappointment is evident. So is everyone elses. KIRK Damn...! McCOY (nods grimly) She needs something else: something much more personal to stimulate memory patterns. Something with a more emotional tie. Kirk reacts to this, reflective. 270 INT. REC DECK FULL ON DECKER AND "ILIA" 270 Decker waving back toward the general area of the Enterprise pictures. DECKER The crews of the previous Enterprises were also carbon units. In what way is the life form in your vessel different? "ILIA" Carbon units are not true life forms... Do those images repre- sent how Enterprise has evolved into its present form? DECKER (hoping he's struck a responsive chord) Yes. "ILIA" Carbon units have clearly retarded Enterprise's proper evolvement. DECKER (controlling surprise) What is Enterprise's proper evolvement? "ILIA" Enterprise should not require the presence of carbon units. And with this she moves off, observing other Rec Deck objects. Decker moves with her; then: DECKER (carefully) Enterprise would be unable to function without carbon units. "ILIA" More data concerning this functioning is necessary before carbon units can be patterned for data storage. 271 ACROSS "ILIA" TO DECKER 271 as he reacts to this ominous note; he stops abruptly. DECKER What does that mean? "ILIA" (stopping; almost pleasantly) When my examination is complete, the carbon units will be reduced to data patterns. This has been delivered with chilling blandness, and she stands facing Decker, almost as though waiting for him to thank her. He thinks fast now. DECKER Within you are memory patterns of a carbon unit. If I can help you revive these patterns; you could understand our functions better. "ILIA" That is logical. You may procede. 272 ON DECKER 272 realizing the difficult task ahead; the pain he will suffer. 273 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE (M) 273 The ship stationary in the chamber as now we SEE an exterior hatch sliding fully open. Up through the hatch a circular airlock door opens -- and a tiny figure in a thruster spacesuit emerges, steps into space, slowly floats down through the hatch and under the Enterprise saucer section. In this and subsequent VIEWS we will SEE that on the rear pack of his thruster spacesuit is a FLASHING STROBE LIGHT which regularly EMITS the identifying SIGNAL of this particular suit. (By which Kirk will be able to see Spock's position even from several miles away.) 274 CLOSER ON THE SPACESUITED FIGURE (M) 274 MOVING TOWARD the CAMERA until the features behind the face mask are clearly identifiable: Spock, his face set in the same grim, determined expression, as he touches his spacesuit transmitter control. SPOCK Computer, commence recording. Captain Kirk -- this message will detail my attempt to contact the aliens... 275 INT. BRIDGE 275 Kirk ENTERING, crossing Uhura as she calls: UHURA Starfleet signals, sir, growing in strength... (listening intently) They -- have Intruder on their monitors -- it's decelerating -- powerfield cloud beginning to dissipate... SULU Confirm, Captain. Lunar beacons indicate Intruder on a course into Earth orbit... CHEKOV (interrupting) Sir! Airlock four has been opened; a thruster suit is reported missing! KIRK (reacts knowingly) Spock...! (to navigator) Get a fix on his position! 276 INT. V'GER - MED. ON SPOCK 276 His features now set into an almost trance-like expres- sion as he concentrates on the thought emanations. Then we SEE his head turn, he peers off -- then he moves his thruster controls. We SEE the small blue jets of his thrusters -- his spacesuit figure begins to move off in the direction he was concentrating upon. 277 ANOTHER ANGLE - SPOCK 277 His thrusters moving him across V'ger's vast chamber then dropping down into a deep "trough"-like area which stretches into the distance ahead of him. A cloud of CRYSTAL FORMS (Kirk's entrapment) become visible to one side but Spock passes them at some dis- tance and does not attract them. We can SEE more clearly now the point on the inner wall of the trough toward which Spock is heading. It is an unusual combination of GLOWING FORCEFIELDS which seem to mark this point of the vessel as of some importance. (Here, also, we will become aware of "sensor-bee" swarms, intermittently darting toward this same wall from all points of the chamber.) 278 INT. AIRLOCK AREA 278 SHOWING Kirk in a thruster spacesuit, helmet being readied by AIRLOCK TECHNICIANS. McCoy is also here, arguing with Kirk: KIRK (from the start) ... I don't want him stopped, Bones; I want him to lead me to whatever's out there...! McCOY And if that 'whatever' has taken over his mind....? KIRK Then he'll have still led me to it, won't he? And Kirk steps into the airlock door, hits a control -- it begins sliding closed behind him. 279 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE 279 UP THROUGH the circular airlock door as it slides open -- and Kirk's tiny spacesuited figure floats down clear of the saucer. 280 CLOSER ON KIRK 280 SEEING his face through the spacesuit faceplate as he scans the darkness. SULU'S VOICE Bridge, Captain. We make Spock as 26 Mark 345 degrees off ship's axis. During which, Kirk spots something. 281 KIRK'S POV 281 Spock's STROBE blinker at a mile or so distance, nearing

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ENERGY BOLT which instantly envelopes First Security Man in a PURPLE GLOW (of implosion). Second Security Man has almost lifted his phaser -- but now carefully, slowly is moving his hand away from his weapon. 210 CLOSER - THE SECURITY MEN (O) 210 PURPLE GLOW FADES, the First Security Man has simply vanished. 210A FULL SHOT - BRIDGE 210A Chekov, like the others, horrified, flips a switch and the COMPUTER-VOICE ("Intruder Alert") goes OFF. At the same time Chekov speaks into his intercom: CHEKOV Security... do not send further teams! The Probe is sending out snake-like tendrils to the various consoles on the bridge. These tendrils lash out in a cobra-strike movement, the tendril-head seeming to enter into the console affected -- at which time all monitors and instrument lights there come ON as if the Probe is "reading" each console function. The crew carefully stays clear of the tendrils. Spock has risen, moving to Kirk's side as he slowly brings his tricorder up, very carefully extracting its tiny sensor and aiming it at the probe. CHEKOV (shaken) No intruder readings on other decks, Captain... (to Spock) Can that be one of their crew? SPOCK (quiet) A probe from their vessel... (to Kirk) A plasma-energy combination... Meanwhile, the probe is now hovering near Chekov who sits frozen, fists clenched, jaw tight. DECKER Don't interfere with it...! CHEKOV Absolutely, I will not interfere! 210B ANGLE INCLUDING SPOCK'S CONSOLE (O) 210B as the "probe" withdraws an energy-tendril from one bridge station and "inserts" it into another console. KIRK No one interfere...! It doesn't seem interested in us -- only the ship...! Kirk's words are never completed as suddenly all the energy tendrils withdraw from all consoles and a larger, more powerful-looking tendril lashes out, snaking into the science console complex. 210C CLOSER ON SCIENCE CONSOLE 210C Where, also immediately, all the console and computer lights are suddenly flashing wildly, rapidly -- -- There is an incredibly fast EXCHANGE OF HIGH-PITCHED BEES -- the computer obviously in unauthorized commu- nication with the probe! KIRK Computer off! DECKER It's taken control of the computer...! KIRK It's running our records! Starfleet strength, Earth defenses... As Decker moves to the main power control, Spock now steps in, his Vulcan strength easily brushing Kirk and Decker aside. Spock clasps his fists above his head, brings it down in a SHATTERING BLOW on the console. It splits open! As the bridge lights dim even more, and as the science console shorts itself out -- and off, Decker confronts Spock: DECKER We could have cut it off at the main computer... SPOCK This served the purpose. Kirk has been giving Spock a puzzled look -- Spock now turns abruptly, and: 210D ANOTHER ANGLE (O) 210D as Spock, in stepping back, accidentally brushes the probe's energy tendril -- a FLASH OF LIGHT at the contact point sends Spock sinning under the rail and to the floor near Ilia. The probe's energy-tendril has withdrawn from the darkened science console, hov- ers high over the dazed Spock as if angrily seeking the reason for the break in its computer contact. Spock starts to rise. ILIA Mr. Spock, don't move...! Decker steps toward her, AD LIBBING a grim "Ilia...!" But he has no chance as: 211 OMITTED 211 - - 219 219 220 CLOSER ON ILIA (O) 220 The Probe hovers over her, its whole mass seemingly about to envelope her with a single tendril extended toward her, somehow freezing her into immobility - and then the entire Probe DISSOLVES IN A BLINDING FLASH OF WHITE, obscuring Ilia. Almost instantly the WHITE FLASH FADES -- but Ilia has vanished -- her tricorder clattering to the deck. 221 OMITTED 221 222 ACROSS THE NAVIGATOR'S STATION TO KIRK AND DECKER 222 helpless, shocked, gazing at the place Ilia was -- but which is now empty. DECKER (to Kirk, quiet fury) This is how I define unwarranted! And almost at the same moment a new BRIDGE ALARM SIGNAL. 223 OMITTED 223 - - 232 232 233 The ALARM still sounding as from the giant alien ves- 233 sel, we SEE STRANGE, OPAQUE ENERGY PATTERNS STREAKING TOWARD US. Kirk vaults to the command chair, lunges for controls, as Decker races to the weapons-defense console. DECKER (voice amplified) The ship is under attack...! Man all defensive stations...! KIRK Forcefields, full remaining strength...! Total reserve! Appropriate ALARM KLAXONS, and COMPUTER VOICES begin SOUNDING, and all this is lost in a SUDDEN SHRILLING SOUND (a constant, high-pitched tone). For a moment the energy patterns are prominent on the viewer -- and then the PATTERNS VANISHED and the SHRILL SOUND FADES -- and: 234 FAVOR THE VIEWER (O) 234 showing V'ger GROWING RAPIDLY IN SIZE. The Enterprise is being pulled along the length of the big ship, toward its "prow." SPOCK Captain, we have been seized by a tractor beam...! KIRK (to Decker) Get someone up here to take the Navigator's station...! (into intercom) Engineering... full emergency power! DECKER (into intercom) Chief Difalco to the bridge; on the double! 234A ENGINEERING 234A in a state of controlled chaos, all personnel at their stations, the Engine CORE GLOWING. Scott is working his controls, speaking into the intercom: SCOTT Going to full emergency... (studying readings) But Captain, if we don't break free in fifteen seconds, she'll burn up... 234B INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING SPOCK 234B as Spock studies his readings, and: SPOCK We cannot break free, Captain. (indicates monitors) We do not have a fraction of the power necessary. KIRK (into intercom) Delay that order, Scotty...! Disengage all main drive systems! Spock peers in deep concentration at the Main Viewer, trying to sense some clue. Kirk glances at him another moment, then turns to the Main Viewer himself, watches in frustrated helplessness. 235 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE BEING PULLED TOWARD V'GER (S) 235 the starship being pulled toward the giant as though on a taut cable. As we MOVE CLOSER, we SEE still more intricate details of the incredible Alien design. 236 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 236 as Difalco arrives on the run, and Decker AD LIBS to her, "Assume Navigator's station, Chief...!" Difalco, bewildered, wants to ask what happened, but no time, and she quickly sits at the post, begins orienting herself. Meanwhile, Decker has begun an Executive Officer's bridge circuit, assisting with various con- soles. Kirk is glancing toward Spock who continues concentrating on the Viewer, striving to comprehend the myriad of thoughts he is sensing from he Aliens. McCoy also arrives on the bridge, takes in the chaotic scene, watches the Viewer grimly. 237 OMITTED 237 - - 238 238 239 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER (S) 239 At the forward end of the giant, an odd-shapped "iris" begins opening menacingly. And it is frighteningly obvious that the tractor beam is pulling the Enterprise to the opening. 240 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 240 showing the unusual "iris" now almost fully open as Enterprise is drawn closer, closer -- through the "iris" we now SEE (some of) V'ger's interior: a dark void relieved only by strange flickering glows of dis- tant ENERGY FIELD PATTERNS. The crew reacts with understandable awe, apprehension, curiosity, as: DECKER Captain, suggest a maximum phaser strike directly at the beam might weaken it just enough for us to break free -- Spock replies for Kirk: quickly, as though to make his point convincingly: SPOCK Break free to where, Commander...? (to Kirk) Any show of resistance would not only be futile, Catain... 240XA ACROSS SPOCK TO KIRK (DECKER AND McCOY IN B.G.) 240XA as Kirk reacts somewhat curiously to Spock's remark, but it is Decker who articulates it: DECKER (troubled; suspicious) We don't know that, Mr. Spock. Why are you opposed to trying? Before Spock can reply: UHURA They're pulling us inside...! All face the Viewer again, react, with McCoy who has been observing all these reactions now galvanized into action: McCOY (to Chekov) Medical observers to all decks! And he hurries toward the elevators, CAMERA WITH HIM a moment, then SWINGING BACK TO: 240A PAST KIRK TO VIEWER (O) 240A Kirk staring at the viewer -- the "iris" now fully open so that the exterior of V'ger is no longer visible -- and all we can SEE is the monstrous void dead ahead, which is looming faster and larger before our eyes. And now we are inside. 241 OMITTED 241 - - 243 243 244 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER - AT THE "IRIS" (S) 244 Enterprise now being pulled past the opening -- into the ship proper. Now we can SEE that the dark void is actually a vast chamber, dimly and intermittently lit by POWERFIELDS appearing and vanishing along the vessel's inner walls, which are miles away in the distance. And here and there in the chamber gigantic ENERGY DISPLAYS erupt briefly with a certain symmetry that suggests they must be part of V'ger's ower or control systems. 245 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 245 Kirk peering awed at the Viewer, the incredible sight of the chamber -- suddenly glances up to see that Spock is standing beside him -- Decker nearby, turns to Spock: DECKER (to Spock) Why bring us inside? Not to destroy us; they could have done that outside. KIRK They could have many ways of destroying things, Mr. Decker. SPOCK (peering at Viewer) Something about us puzzles them... perhaps even concerns them. 245A ANGLE ON UHURA 245A Reacting to a console reading: UHURA Captain, photic-sonar readings indicate the aperture is closing; we're trapped, sir...! 246 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE ENTERING V'GER (S) 246 The starship is pulled inside, the "iris" is closing behind it. 247 INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING THE VIEWER (O) 247 The viewer image changing from the huge dark chamber, rear angle shot, showing the "iris" closing. SULU Reverse angle on the viewer, Captain. On the viewer the final glimmer from exterior space as the "iris" closes completely. 248 REACTIONS 248 All eyes on the viewer, CAMERA FINDING ONE FACE AFTER ANOTHER, the reality of the situation etched into each face. Then: 248A FAVORING KIRK 248A As Spock turns from a reading: SPOCK The tractor beam has released us, Captain. DIFALCO Confirmed: Vessel is floating free. No forward momentum. KIRK Viewer ahead. SULU Viewer ahead, sir. 248B INSERT - MAIN VIEWER 248B Ahead, the cavernous interior of V'ger. 248C BACK TO SHOT 248C Kirk eying the main viewer -- Decker watching Kirk. KIRK Maneuvering thrusters, Mr. Sulu; ahead one third. (to Spock) Full sensor scan, Mr. Spock; they can't expect us not to look them over now! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters ahead, one third. SPOCK (manipulating controls) Commencing sensor scans. Kirk rises, goes to Spock's station. 249 INT. V'GER ENTRANCE CHAMBER - ENTERPRISE (S) 249 The Enterprise moving slowly forward in this vastness, its running lights merely specks of light, candles in the darkness. In the distance those occasional ERUPT- ING POWER DISPLAYS in distant locations, sizes, shapes and patterns. 250 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING MAIN VIEWER (O) 250 showing another persective of the above, and further away GLOWING ENERGY FIELDS dimly illuminating the alien ship's walls -- miles away. Strange semi--solid LIGHT SHAPES (some are "sensor-bee" swarms) traverse the dark- ness in random directions. But in the distance ahead, there seems to be an opening to another chamber. SULU (of Viewer) Something ahead, sir; looks like another area... (reacts) It's closing up...! Sulu is indicating what appears to be a lace-bulwark of POWERFIELD PATTERNS closing off the "chamber" in the distance ahead. Kirk, from the Science Station calls out: KIRK Hold station...! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters at station keeping... 251 ANGLE EMPHASIZING SPOCK 251 at his Science consoles, working rapidly, shifting from one set of controls to another. Now he hits a master control -- his console monitors FLASH, then go dark. SPOCK Captain... Spock brings a monitor IMAGE ON again, indicates a (Povill) pattern showing a line hitting something, then reversing direction. SPOCK (continuing) All scans are being reflected back, Captain. Our sensors are useless. 251A ACROSS THEM TO THE MAIN VIEWER 251A Kirk reacts with disappointment, indicates the main viewer. KIRK Have you been able to analyze any of this...? SPOCK (voice increasingly reverential) I believe the light flares to be energy fields -- undoubtedly part of the vessel's inner mechanism. A technology so incredibly sophisticated that I cannot -- COMPUTER VOICE (overlapping) Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert..! (continues) 252 OMITTED 252 - - 253 253 254 ANGLE ON CHEKOV 254 Reacting to a console reading: CHEKOV Deck four, Captain; Officers' Quarters...! KIRK (to Chekov) Have a security team meet me at Deck Four main elevator! A moment's reaction from all at this, Kirk hurrying toward elevator, calling: KIRK (continuing) Take the conn, Mr. Decker: Hold present position... (gesturing Spock to join him) Spock... And Spock rises, joins Kirk and they hurriedly exit, the CAMERA SWINGING BACK to Decker, his perplexed con- cern (because of Ilia). 254A INT. ILIA'S CABIN - THE SONIC SHOWER 254A Where we SEE, behind the translucent stall door, what is unmistakably the form of the NUDE FEMALE. 255 INT. ILIA'S CABIN - KIRK 255 entering, Spock slightly behind him - and one Security Guard. Kirk glances around the room, now glances at the shower area and reacts as he sees the NAKED FORM. The others react similarly, even Spock cannot help re- pressing an expression of surprise. A moment's uncer- tainty as Kirk peers at them, then he steps to the stall door, hesitates another instant -- then slides the door open. (NOTE: Arrange lighting for bizarre, mysterious effect.) Kirk's eyes cannot believe what he is seeing: 255A "ILIA" 255A standing in the sonic mist, naked but for a small multi-colored button embedded in her throat. As she looks at Kirk -- and the others -- the men peer back at her, speechless. "ILIA" I have been programmed by V'ger to observe and record normal functioning of the carbon-based units infesting USS ENTERPRISE. Kirk peers at her another nonplussed moment, then leans into the shower to touch a control, his eyes fixed on the lovely body behind the mist. He punches in a three digit code. Immediately a HUMMING SOUND emanates from the shower stall, Kirk closing the door, but 'Ilia" remaining inside. 256 ACROSS KIRK AND THE OTHERS TO THE SHOWER STALL 256 The HUMMING SOUND just now reaching a gentle crescendo -- through the translucent door you can see COLORS ENVELOPING "ILIA'S" FORM. And now the SOUND STOPS. "Ilia", attired in a leisure robe, steps from the stall, into the room. She stands facing Kirk, her face impas- sive, eyes unblinking. He looks her back a moment, then glances at Spock, who is gazing at "Ilia" in abso- lute fascination. Kirk addresses her: KIRK Who is...'V'ger'...? "ILIA" V'ger is that which programmed me. KIRK Is V'ger the Captain of the alien vessel? 256A ANGLE ON THE DOOR - McCOY 256A rushing in, concerned: McCOY Jim, what's -- At the sight of 'Ilia", McCoy's words die in his throat -- and his trained eyes have instantly told him some- thing is awry. He unslings his tricorder, aims the sensor unit at "Ilia". As he reads his instruments, his face reveals the results (incredulity, fascination). Meanwhile, from the start: "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. McCOY (of "Ilia") Jim, this is a mechanism...! Kirk stares at McCoy, then at "Ilia" and realizes that "Ilia" is indeed non-human. And quickly: KIRK Where is Lt. Ilia? "ILIA" That unit no longer functions. I have been given its form to more readily communicate with the carbon-based units infesting Enterprise. SECURITY GUARD "Carbon-based units"...? McCOY (drily) Humans, Ensign Lang: us. (continues tricorder exam, increasingly impressed) KIRK (to "Ilia") Why does V'ger travel to the third planet of the solar system directly ahead? "ILIA" V'ger travels to the third planet to find the Creator. Stunned, disbelieving reactions as all four attempt to digest this -- Spock gazing at "Ilia" with even more rapt fascination. Kirk, bewildered, addresses the others: KIRK Find the Creator? What Creator? Whose...!? (to "Ilia") What does V'ger want of the 'Creator'... ? "ILIA" To join with him. 256B FAVORING SPOCK 256B suddenly alert, addressing "Ilia": SPOCK Join with the Creator... ? How? "ILIA" V'ger and the Creator will become One. SPOCK Who is the Creator? McCOY (worried) Mr. Spock, be careful. "ILIA" The Creator is that which created V'ger. KIRK Who is V'ger? "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. Another moment of total exasperation, frustration, during which "Ilia" seems to be waiting politely, patiently for any further questions. When none are forthcoming: "ILIA" (continuing; pleasant, bland) I am ready to commence my observations. SPOCK (fast; to McCoy) Doctor, a thorough examination of this probe might provide some insight into those who manufactured it, and how to deal with them. McCOY Let's get her to sickbay. And he grasps "Ilia's" arm to escort her. But is as though he has seized cast iron: immovable. McCoy is thrown off balance merely by 'Ilia's" remaining sta- tionary. She ignores McCoy, addresses Kirk: "ILIA" I am programmed to observe and record normal functioning procedures of the carbon-based units. 256B Kirk glances at McCoy, who is totally bemused, but then 256B Kirk quickly responds to "Ilia": KIRK The examination is a normal function. "ILIA" (a beat) You may proceede. McCOY (carefully) Thank you. 257 CLOSE SHOT OF EXAMINING ROOM VIEWER (O) 257 scanning a "body". PULL BACK TO SHOW McCoy, Chapel, Kirk, Spock and Chekov -- standing over "ILIA" who lies prone on the table, the physicians moving the scanner over her. McCOY (from the start; indicating) ... micro-miniature hydraulics, sensors, molecule-sized multi- processor chips... and look at this... In the b.g., Decker enters, grimly observes the proceed- ings. CHAPEL (impressed) An osmotic micro-pump... here and here. Even the smallest body functions are exactly duplicated. (traces with finger on screen) And every exocrine system is here, too -- Chapel breaks off abruptly, noticing "Ilia" is peering intently -- almost with a glimmer of recognition -- at Decker. Slightly disconcerted, Chapel continues: CHAPEL (continuing) -- even eye moisture. "ILIA" (peering at Decker) Deck -- er. 257A FAVORING SPOCK 257A as everyone reacts to "Ilia's" utterance of Decker's name. It seems to make the deepest impression on Spock, confirming something he has suspected. SPOCK (to "Ilia") Interesting. Not 'Decker-unit'? "Ilia" continues peering at Decker with just a hint of a puzzled frown, a glimmer of distant recognition. It's the first time we've seen her expression look anything but cool and bland. This results in the quizzical rising of one of Spock's eyebrows. 258 ANOTHER ANGLE 258 McCoy's examination now turns "Ilia" away from the others. Spock quickly catches Kirk's and Decker's attention, indicates an adjoining door -- they fol- low him out of the room. 259 INT. McCOY'S OFFICE 259 as Kirk, Spock and Decker enter, the door snapping shut -- and Spock touching the electronic lock to secure them. He faces the others: SPOCK Captain... this probe may be a key a key to the Aliens. DECKER It's a programmed mechanism, Mr. Spock... SPOCK We have just seen that its body duplicates our navigator in precise detail. Suppose that beneath its programming, the real Ilia's memory patterns are duplicated with equal precision. KIRK They had a pattern to follow... SPOCK (nods) ... they may have followed it too precisely. KIRK (comprehending) Ilia's memory, her feelings of loyalty, friendship, obedience... might all be there. 259A ANGLE ON DECKER 259A also comprehending, and not liking it one bit as Spock and Kirk are both turning their attention to him. SPOCK Exactly. (to Decker) And you did have a 'relationship' with Lieutenant Ilia, Commander. DECKER That probe in there -- in a different form now -- is the same thing that killed Ilia! KIRK Commander, we're locked in an alien vessel, six hours from Earth orbit, our only contact with our captors is the probe. If we can control it, persuade it, use it in some way... Interrupted by the SOUND of someone trying to open the locked door behind them. Then a METAL RIPPING SOUND as they whirl to see: 260 MEDICAL OFFICE DOOR 260 with the METAL BUCKLING, TEARING -- and a single hand slicing the steel door like paper. It is the "Ilia" probe, her face absolutely impassive, her whole manner incongruously benign. (Behind her, a startled McCoy, Chapel and Chekov.) "Ilia" speaks flatly, blandly. "ILIA" I have recorded enough here. (motions to Kirk) You will now assist me further. Kirk exchanges a quick glance with Spock. Then: KIRK (indicating Decker) The Decker-unit can assist you with much greater efficiency... "Ilia" has seemed about to object -- but now her eyes hold on Decker. Then she nods. KIRK (continuing) Carry on with your assignment, Mr. Decker. 260A ANOTHER ANGLE - ACROSS DECKER TO THE SMASHED DOOR 260A (AND "ILIA") as Decker looks at "Ilia" who stands at the torn door. You can read Decker's mind: I'm supposed to persuade that?! He turns back, finds Kirk's eyes on him. Decker nods. DECKER Aye, sir. "Ilia" and a reluctant Decker EXIT. 260B EMPHASIZING SPOCK 260B looking very troubled as they watch Decker and "Ilia" leave. Kirk notices. KIRK Spock? Concerned about his chances? SPOCK I am uneasy with that being our only hope of more information. Spock EXITS. 261 INT. V'GER - THE ENTERPRISE 261 floating in the vast, eerie, alien chamber -- sporadic FLASHES OF ENERGY, erupting now and then. Various other EFFECTS. OVER this, Kirk's VOICE: KIRK (V.O.) Captain's Log. Stardate 7414.1. Our best estimates place us some four hours from Earth. No significant Ilia memory patterns within the alien probe. This remains our only means of contact with our captor. 262 INT. ENTERPRISE AIRLOCK AREA 262 The area dimly lit -- unoccupied but for a lone AIRLOCK TECHNICIAN checking and adjusting instruments. The CAMERA MOVES PAST him to FIND: 263 SPOCK 263 His face fixed with grim determination, walking quietly with obvious intent not to attract the Tech's attention. Now he steals up behind the TECH -- and in an instant has applied a Vulcan nerve pinch. The Tech slumps over his console. 264 INT KIRK'S CABIN - VIEWER MONITOR 264 Showing a CLOSE SHOT of ENTERPRISE PICTURES, then PULL BACK SLIGHTLY for an IMAGE of Decker and "Ilia" walk- ing through the Rec Deck. PULL BACK FURTHER TO SHOW Kirk watching this -- and with him is McCoy. They continue watching a troubled beat, as: DECKER (of pictures) All these vessels were called "Enterprise". "Ilia" is giving the pictures a very interested look as we HEAR in Kirk's cabin: UHURA'S INTERCOM VOICE (controlled excitement) Bridge to Captain... 265 OMITTED 265 266 INT. BRIDGE - UHURA'S STATION (SCIENCE STATION IN 266 B.G.) Uhura at her console, struggling to hear the signal. KIRK'S INTERCOM VOICE Kirk here. In the b.g., Spock's station a MAINTENANCE TEAM is replacing the broken Science Station computer. (Spock is conspicuously absent.) UHURA A faint signal from Starfleet, sir. They have the intruder on their monitors... (struggling to hear) They show us... three hours... twenty-four minutes from Earth! KIRK'S VOICE (thru intercom) Thank you. 267 INT. RECREATION DECK 267 Decker and "Ilia", the Rec Deck unoccupied but for a pair of wary SECURITY GUARDS at a very discreet dis- tance. They are near the pictures of the five Enter- prises, which should be FEATURED in this SHOT, as Decker waves his hand about the huge room. DECKER The carbon units use this area for recreation... (carefully) What type of recreation does the crew aboard your vessel enjoy...? 268 CLOSER TWO SHOT (PICTURES O.S.) 268 As "Ilia" moves on into the room, Decker follows: "ILIA" The words 'recreation' and 'enjoy' have no meaning to my programming. Decker peers at the lovely android with frustration -- and no little pain, for she is after all the exact replica of Ilia. She pays not the slightest attention to Decker's reaction, and begins walking about the Rec Deck taking in (and, clearly, transmitting all images to V'ger) the sights. They are near a game area (elec- tronic games), and now Decker points to one game, switches it on -- presses button to activate its LIGHTS and SOUNDS. "Ilia" watches interestedly as Decker operates the game. DECKER Ilia 'enjoyed' this game... she nearly always won -- And he demonstrates again, as "Ilia" steps to the device, deftly hits some buttons -- and for just an instant she turns to Decker with a momentary glimmer of recognition. 269 INT. KIRK'S CABIN - GROUP WATCHING THE MONITOR 269 McCoy watching with special interest: McCOY (approving) Good! He's using audial-visual association. But the words are not out of McCoy's mouth when "Ilia" says: "ILIA" This device serves no purpose. She steps away from the game; Decker's disappointment is evident. So is everyone elses. KIRK Damn...! McCOY (nods grimly) She needs something else: something much more personal to stimulate memory patterns. Something with a more emotional tie. Kirk reacts to this, reflective. 270 INT. REC DECK FULL ON DECKER AND "ILIA" 270 Decker waving back toward the general area of the Enterprise pictures. DECKER The crews of the previous Enterprises were also carbon units. In what way is the life form in your vessel different? "ILIA" Carbon units are not true life forms... Do those images repre- sent how Enterprise has evolved into its present form? DECKER (hoping he's struck a responsive chord) Yes. "ILIA" Carbon units have clearly retarded Enterprise's proper evolvement. DECKER (controlling surprise) What is Enterprise's proper evolvement? "ILIA" Enterprise should not require the presence of carbon units. And with this she moves off, observing other Rec Deck objects. Decker moves with her; then: DECKER (carefully) Enterprise would be unable to function without carbon units. "ILIA" More data concerning this functioning is necessary before carbon units can be patterned for data storage. 271 ACROSS "ILIA" TO DECKER 271 as he reacts to this ominous note; he stops abruptly. DECKER What does that mean? "ILIA" (stopping; almost pleasantly) When my examination is complete, the carbon units will be reduced to data patterns. This has been delivered with chilling blandness, and she stands facing Decker, almost as though waiting for him to thank her. He thinks fast now. DECKER Within you are memory patterns of a carbon unit. If I can help you revive these patterns; you could understand our functions better. "ILIA" That is logical. You may procede. 272 ON DECKER 272 realizing the difficult task ahead; the pain he will suffer. 273 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE (M) 273 The ship stationary in the chamber as now we SEE an exterior hatch sliding fully open. Up through the hatch a circular airlock door opens -- and a tiny figure in a thruster spacesuit emerges, steps into space, slowly floats down through the hatch and under the Enterprise saucer section. In this and subsequent VIEWS we will SEE that on the rear pack of his thruster spacesuit is a FLASHING STROBE LIGHT which regularly EMITS the identifying SIGNAL of this particular suit. (By which Kirk will be able to see Spock's position even from several miles away.) 274 CLOSER ON THE SPACESUITED FIGURE (M) 274 MOVING TOWARD the CAMERA until the features behind the face mask are clearly identifiable: Spock, his face set in the same grim, determined expression, as he touches his spacesuit transmitter control. SPOCK Computer, commence recording. Captain Kirk -- this message will detail my attempt to contact the aliens... 275 INT. BRIDGE 275 Kirk ENTERING, crossing Uhura as she calls: UHURA Starfleet signals, sir, growing in strength... (listening intently) They -- have Intruder on their monitors -- it's decelerating -- powerfield cloud beginning to dissipate... SULU Confirm, Captain. Lunar beacons indicate Intruder on a course into Earth orbit... CHEKOV (interrupting) Sir! Airlock four has been opened; a thruster suit is reported missing! KIRK (reacts knowingly) Spock...! (to navigator) Get a fix on his position! 276 INT. V'GER - MED. ON SPOCK 276 His features now set into an almost trance-like expres- sion as he concentrates on the thought emanations. Then we SEE his head turn, he peers off -- then he moves his thruster controls. We SEE the small blue jets of his thrusters -- his spacesuit figure begins to move off in the direction he was concentrating upon. 277 ANOTHER ANGLE - SPOCK 277 His thrusters moving him across V'ger's vast chamber then dropping down into a deep "trough"-like area which stretches into the distance ahead of him. A cloud of CRYSTAL FORMS (Kirk's entrapment) become visible to one side but Spock passes them at some dis- tance and does not attract them. We can SEE more clearly now the point on the inner wall of the trough toward which Spock is heading. It is an unusual combination of GLOWING FORCEFIELDS which seem to mark this point of the vessel as of some importance. (Here, also, we will become aware of "sensor-bee" swarms, intermittently darting toward this same wall from all points of the chamber.) 278 INT. AIRLOCK AREA 278 SHOWING Kirk in a thruster spacesuit, helmet being readied by AIRLOCK TECHNICIANS. McCoy is also here, arguing with Kirk: KIRK (from the start) ... I don't want him stopped, Bones; I want him to lead me to whatever's out there...! McCOY And if that 'whatever' has taken over his mind....? KIRK Then he'll have still led me to it, won't he? And Kirk steps into the airlock door, hits a control -- it begins sliding closed behind him. 279 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE 279 UP THROUGH the circular airlock door as it slides open -- and Kirk's tiny spacesuited figure floats down clear of the saucer. 280 CLOSER ON KIRK 280 SEEING his face through the spacesuit faceplate as he scans the darkness. SULU'S VOICE Bridge, Captain. We make Spock as 26 Mark 345 degrees off ship's axis. During which, Kirk spots something. 281 KIRK'S POV 281 Spock's STROBE blinker at a mile or so distance, nearing

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ENERGY BOLT which instantly envelopes First Security Man in a PURPLE GLOW (of implosion). Second Security Man has almost lifted his phaser -- but now carefully, slowly is moving his hand away from his weapon. 210 CLOSER - THE SECURITY MEN (O) 210 PURPLE GLOW FADES, the First Security Man has simply vanished. 210A FULL SHOT - BRIDGE 210A Chekov, like the others, horrified, flips a switch and the COMPUTER-VOICE ("Intruder Alert") goes OFF. At the same time Chekov speaks into his intercom: CHEKOV Security... do not send further teams! The Probe is sending out snake-like tendrils to the various consoles on the bridge. These tendrils lash out in a cobra-strike movement, the tendril-head seeming to enter into the console affected -- at which time all monitors and instrument lights there come ON as if the Probe is "reading" each console function. The crew carefully stays clear of the tendrils. Spock has risen, moving to Kirk's side as he slowly brings his tricorder up, very carefully extracting its tiny sensor and aiming it at the probe. CHEKOV (shaken) No intruder readings on other decks, Captain... (to Spock) Can that be one of their crew? SPOCK (quiet) A probe from their vessel... (to Kirk) A plasma-energy combination... Meanwhile, the probe is now hovering near Chekov who sits frozen, fists clenched, jaw tight. DECKER Don't interfere with it...! CHEKOV Absolutely, I will not interfere! 210B ANGLE INCLUDING SPOCK'S CONSOLE (O) 210B as the "probe" withdraws an energy-tendril from one bridge station and "inserts" it into another console. KIRK No one interfere...! It doesn't seem interested in us -- only the ship...! Kirk's words are never completed as suddenly all the energy tendrils withdraw from all consoles and a larger, more powerful-looking tendril lashes out, snaking into the science console complex. 210C CLOSER ON SCIENCE CONSOLE 210C Where, also immediately, all the console and computer lights are suddenly flashing wildly, rapidly -- -- There is an incredibly fast EXCHANGE OF HIGH-PITCHED BEES -- the computer obviously in unauthorized commu- nication with the probe! KIRK Computer off! DECKER It's taken control of the computer...! KIRK It's running our records! Starfleet strength, Earth defenses... As Decker moves to the main power control, Spock now steps in, his Vulcan strength easily brushing Kirk and Decker aside. Spock clasps his fists above his head, brings it down in a SHATTERING BLOW on the console. It splits open! As the bridge lights dim even more, and as the science console shorts itself out -- and off, Decker confronts Spock: DECKER We could have cut it off at the main computer... SPOCK This served the purpose. Kirk has been giving Spock a puzzled look -- Spock now turns abruptly, and: 210D ANOTHER ANGLE (O) 210D as Spock, in stepping back, accidentally brushes the probe's energy tendril -- a FLASH OF LIGHT at the contact point sends Spock sinning under the rail and to the floor near Ilia. The probe's energy-tendril has withdrawn from the darkened science console, hov- ers high over the dazed Spock as if angrily seeking the reason for the break in its computer contact. Spock starts to rise. ILIA Mr. Spock, don't move...! Decker steps toward her, AD LIBBING a grim "Ilia...!" But he has no chance as: 211 OMITTED 211 - - 219 219 220 CLOSER ON ILIA (O) 220 The Probe hovers over her, its whole mass seemingly about to envelope her with a single tendril extended toward her, somehow freezing her into immobility - and then the entire Probe DISSOLVES IN A BLINDING FLASH OF WHITE, obscuring Ilia. Almost instantly the WHITE FLASH FADES -- but Ilia has vanished -- her tricorder clattering to the deck. 221 OMITTED 221 222 ACROSS THE NAVIGATOR'S STATION TO KIRK AND DECKER 222 helpless, shocked, gazing at the place Ilia was -- but which is now empty. DECKER (to Kirk, quiet fury) This is how I define unwarranted! And almost at the same moment a new BRIDGE ALARM SIGNAL. 223 OMITTED 223 - - 232 232 233 The ALARM still sounding as from the giant alien ves- 233 sel, we SEE STRANGE, OPAQUE ENERGY PATTERNS STREAKING TOWARD US. Kirk vaults to the command chair, lunges for controls, as Decker races to the weapons-defense console. DECKER (voice amplified) The ship is under attack...! Man all defensive stations...! KIRK Forcefields, full remaining strength...! Total reserve! Appropriate ALARM KLAXONS, and COMPUTER VOICES begin SOUNDING, and all this is lost in a SUDDEN SHRILLING SOUND (a constant, high-pitched tone). For a moment the energy patterns are prominent on the viewer -- and then the PATTERNS VANISHED and the SHRILL SOUND FADES -- and: 234 FAVOR THE VIEWER (O) 234 showing V'ger GROWING RAPIDLY IN SIZE. The Enterprise is being pulled along the length of the big ship, toward its "prow." SPOCK Captain, we have been seized by a tractor beam...! KIRK (to Decker) Get someone up here to take the Navigator's station...! (into intercom) Engineering... full emergency power! DECKER (into intercom) Chief Difalco to the bridge; on the double! 234A ENGINEERING 234A in a state of controlled chaos, all personnel at their stations, the Engine CORE GLOWING. Scott is working his controls, speaking into the intercom: SCOTT Going to full emergency... (studying readings) But Captain, if we don't break free in fifteen seconds, she'll burn up... 234B INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING SPOCK 234B as Spock studies his readings, and: SPOCK We cannot break free, Captain. (indicates monitors) We do not have a fraction of the power necessary. KIRK (into intercom) Delay that order, Scotty...! Disengage all main drive systems! Spock peers in deep concentration at the Main Viewer, trying to sense some clue. Kirk glances at him another moment, then turns to the Main Viewer himself, watches in frustrated helplessness. 235 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE BEING PULLED TOWARD V'GER (S) 235 the starship being pulled toward the giant as though on a taut cable. As we MOVE CLOSER, we SEE still more intricate details of the incredible Alien design. 236 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 236 as Difalco arrives on the run, and Decker AD LIBS to her, "Assume Navigator's station, Chief...!" Difalco, bewildered, wants to ask what happened, but no time, and she quickly sits at the post, begins orienting herself. Meanwhile, Decker has begun an Executive Officer's bridge circuit, assisting with various con- soles. Kirk is glancing toward Spock who continues concentrating on the Viewer, striving to comprehend the myriad of thoughts he is sensing from he Aliens. McCoy also arrives on the bridge, takes in the chaotic scene, watches the Viewer grimly. 237 OMITTED 237 - - 238 238 239 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER (S) 239 At the forward end of the giant, an odd-shapped "iris" begins opening menacingly. And it is frighteningly obvious that the tractor beam is pulling the Enterprise to the opening. 240 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 240 showing the unusual "iris" now almost fully open as Enterprise is drawn closer, closer -- through the "iris" we now SEE (some of) V'ger's interior: a dark void relieved only by strange flickering glows of dis- tant ENERGY FIELD PATTERNS. The crew reacts with understandable awe, apprehension, curiosity, as: DECKER Captain, suggest a maximum phaser strike directly at the beam might weaken it just enough for us to break free -- Spock replies for Kirk: quickly, as though to make his point convincingly: SPOCK Break free to where, Commander...? (to Kirk) Any show of resistance would not only be futile, Catain... 240XA ACROSS SPOCK TO KIRK (DECKER AND McCOY IN B.G.) 240XA as Kirk reacts somewhat curiously to Spock's remark, but it is Decker who articulates it: DECKER (troubled; suspicious) We don't know that, Mr. Spock. Why are you opposed to trying? Before Spock can reply: UHURA They're pulling us inside...! All face the Viewer again, react, with McCoy who has been observing all these reactions now galvanized into action: McCOY (to Chekov) Medical observers to all decks! And he hurries toward the elevators, CAMERA WITH HIM a moment, then SWINGING BACK TO: 240A PAST KIRK TO VIEWER (O) 240A Kirk staring at the viewer -- the "iris" now fully open so that the exterior of V'ger is no longer visible -- and all we can SEE is the monstrous void dead ahead, which is looming faster and larger before our eyes. And now we are inside. 241 OMITTED 241 - - 243 243 244 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER - AT THE "IRIS" (S) 244 Enterprise now being pulled past the opening -- into the ship proper. Now we can SEE that the dark void is actually a vast chamber, dimly and intermittently lit by POWERFIELDS appearing and vanishing along the vessel's inner walls, which are miles away in the distance. And here and there in the chamber gigantic ENERGY DISPLAYS erupt briefly with a certain symmetry that suggests they must be part of V'ger's ower or control systems. 245 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 245 Kirk peering awed at the Viewer, the incredible sight of the chamber -- suddenly glances up to see that Spock is standing beside him -- Decker nearby, turns to Spock: DECKER (to Spock) Why bring us inside? Not to destroy us; they could have done that outside. KIRK They could have many ways of destroying things, Mr. Decker. SPOCK (peering at Viewer) Something about us puzzles them... perhaps even concerns them. 245A ANGLE ON UHURA 245A Reacting to a console reading: UHURA Captain, photic-sonar readings indicate the aperture is closing; we're trapped, sir...! 246 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE ENTERING V'GER (S) 246 The starship is pulled inside, the "iris" is closing behind it. 247 INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING THE VIEWER (O) 247 The viewer image changing from the huge dark chamber, rear angle shot, showing the "iris" closing. SULU Reverse angle on the viewer, Captain. On the viewer the final glimmer from exterior space as the "iris" closes completely. 248 REACTIONS 248 All eyes on the viewer, CAMERA FINDING ONE FACE AFTER ANOTHER, the reality of the situation etched into each face. Then: 248A FAVORING KIRK 248A As Spock turns from a reading: SPOCK The tractor beam has released us, Captain. DIFALCO Confirmed: Vessel is floating free. No forward momentum. KIRK Viewer ahead. SULU Viewer ahead, sir. 248B INSERT - MAIN VIEWER 248B Ahead, the cavernous interior of V'ger. 248C BACK TO SHOT 248C Kirk eying the main viewer -- Decker watching Kirk. KIRK Maneuvering thrusters, Mr. Sulu; ahead one third. (to Spock) Full sensor scan, Mr. Spock; they can't expect us not to look them over now! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters ahead, one third. SPOCK (manipulating controls) Commencing sensor scans. Kirk rises, goes to Spock's station. 249 INT. V'GER ENTRANCE CHAMBER - ENTERPRISE (S) 249 The Enterprise moving slowly forward in this vastness, its running lights merely specks of light, candles in the darkness. In the distance those occasional ERUPT- ING POWER DISPLAYS in distant locations, sizes, shapes and patterns. 250 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING MAIN VIEWER (O) 250 showing another persective of the above, and further away GLOWING ENERGY FIELDS dimly illuminating the alien ship's walls -- miles away. Strange semi--solid LIGHT SHAPES (some are "sensor-bee" swarms) traverse the dark- ness in random directions. But in the distance ahead, there seems to be an opening to another chamber. SULU (of Viewer) Something ahead, sir; looks like another area... (reacts) It's closing up...! Sulu is indicating what appears to be a lace-bulwark of POWERFIELD PATTERNS closing off the "chamber" in the distance ahead. Kirk, from the Science Station calls out: KIRK Hold station...! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters at station keeping... 251 ANGLE EMPHASIZING SPOCK 251 at his Science consoles, working rapidly, shifting from one set of controls to another. Now he hits a master control -- his console monitors FLASH, then go dark. SPOCK Captain... Spock brings a monitor IMAGE ON again, indicates a (Povill) pattern showing a line hitting something, then reversing direction. SPOCK (continuing) All scans are being reflected back, Captain. Our sensors are useless. 251A ACROSS THEM TO THE MAIN VIEWER 251A Kirk reacts with disappointment, indicates the main viewer. KIRK Have you been able to analyze any of this...? SPOCK (voice increasingly reverential) I believe the light flares to be energy fields -- undoubtedly part of the vessel's inner mechanism. A technology so incredibly sophisticated that I cannot -- COMPUTER VOICE (overlapping) Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert..! (continues) 252 OMITTED 252 - - 253 253 254 ANGLE ON CHEKOV 254 Reacting to a console reading: CHEKOV Deck four, Captain; Officers' Quarters...! KIRK (to Chekov) Have a security team meet me at Deck Four main elevator! A moment's reaction from all at this, Kirk hurrying toward elevator, calling: KIRK (continuing) Take the conn, Mr. Decker: Hold present position... (gesturing Spock to join him) Spock... And Spock rises, joins Kirk and they hurriedly exit, the CAMERA SWINGING BACK to Decker, his perplexed con- cern (because of Ilia). 254A INT. ILIA'S CABIN - THE SONIC SHOWER 254A Where we SEE, behind the translucent stall door, what is unmistakably the form of the NUDE FEMALE. 255 INT. ILIA'S CABIN - KIRK 255 entering, Spock slightly behind him - and one Security Guard. Kirk glances around the room, now glances at the shower area and reacts as he sees the NAKED FORM. The others react similarly, even Spock cannot help re- pressing an expression of surprise. A moment's uncer- tainty as Kirk peers at them, then he steps to the stall door, hesitates another instant -- then slides the door open. (NOTE: Arrange lighting for bizarre, mysterious effect.) Kirk's eyes cannot believe what he is seeing: 255A "ILIA" 255A standing in the sonic mist, naked but for a small multi-colored button embedded in her throat. As she looks at Kirk -- and the others -- the men peer back at her, speechless. "ILIA" I have been programmed by V'ger to observe and record normal functioning of the carbon-based units infesting USS ENTERPRISE. Kirk peers at her another nonplussed moment, then leans into the shower to touch a control, his eyes fixed on the lovely body behind the mist. He punches in a three digit code. Immediately a HUMMING SOUND emanates from the shower stall, Kirk closing the door, but 'Ilia" remaining inside. 256 ACROSS KIRK AND THE OTHERS TO THE SHOWER STALL 256 The HUMMING SOUND just now reaching a gentle crescendo -- through the translucent door you can see COLORS ENVELOPING "ILIA'S" FORM. And now the SOUND STOPS. "Ilia", attired in a leisure robe, steps from the stall, into the room. She stands facing Kirk, her face impas- sive, eyes unblinking. He looks her back a moment, then glances at Spock, who is gazing at "Ilia" in abso- lute fascination. Kirk addresses her: KIRK Who is...'V'ger'...? "ILIA" V'ger is that which programmed me. KIRK Is V'ger the Captain of the alien vessel? 256A ANGLE ON THE DOOR - McCOY 256A rushing in, concerned: McCOY Jim, what's -- At the sight of 'Ilia", McCoy's words die in his throat -- and his trained eyes have instantly told him some- thing is awry. He unslings his tricorder, aims the sensor unit at "Ilia". As he reads his instruments, his face reveals the results (incredulity, fascination). Meanwhile, from the start: "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. McCOY (of "Ilia") Jim, this is a mechanism...! Kirk stares at McCoy, then at "Ilia" and realizes that "Ilia" is indeed non-human. And quickly: KIRK Where is Lt. Ilia? "ILIA" That unit no longer functions. I have been given its form to more readily communicate with the carbon-based units infesting Enterprise. SECURITY GUARD "Carbon-based units"...? McCOY (drily) Humans, Ensign Lang: us. (continues tricorder exam, increasingly impressed) KIRK (to "Ilia") Why does V'ger travel to the third planet of the solar system directly ahead? "ILIA" V'ger travels to the third planet to find the Creator. Stunned, disbelieving reactions as all four attempt to digest this -- Spock gazing at "Ilia" with even more rapt fascination. Kirk, bewildered, addresses the others: KIRK Find the Creator? What Creator? Whose...!? (to "Ilia") What does V'ger want of the 'Creator'... ? "ILIA" To join with him. 256B FAVORING SPOCK 256B suddenly alert, addressing "Ilia": SPOCK Join with the Creator... ? How? "ILIA" V'ger and the Creator will become One. SPOCK Who is the Creator? McCOY (worried) Mr. Spock, be careful. "ILIA" The Creator is that which created V'ger. KIRK Who is V'ger? "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. Another moment of total exasperation, frustration, during which "Ilia" seems to be waiting politely, patiently for any further questions. When none are forthcoming: "ILIA" (continuing; pleasant, bland) I am ready to commence my observations. SPOCK (fast; to McCoy) Doctor, a thorough examination of this probe might provide some insight into those who manufactured it, and how to deal with them. McCOY Let's get her to sickbay. And he grasps "Ilia's" arm to escort her. But is as though he has seized cast iron: immovable. McCoy is thrown off balance merely by 'Ilia's" remaining sta- tionary. She ignores McCoy, addresses Kirk: "ILIA" I am programmed to observe and record normal functioning procedures of the carbon-based units. 256B Kirk glances at McCoy, who is totally bemused, but then 256B Kirk quickly responds to "Ilia": KIRK The examination is a normal function. "ILIA" (a beat) You may proceede. McCOY (carefully) Thank you. 257 CLOSE SHOT OF EXAMINING ROOM VIEWER (O) 257 scanning a "body". PULL BACK TO SHOW McCoy, Chapel, Kirk, Spock and Chekov -- standing over "ILIA" who lies prone on the table, the physicians moving the scanner over her. McCOY (from the start; indicating) ... micro-miniature hydraulics, sensors, molecule-sized multi- processor chips... and look at this... In the b.g., Decker enters, grimly observes the proceed- ings. CHAPEL (impressed) An osmotic micro-pump... here and here. Even the smallest body functions are exactly duplicated. (traces with finger on screen) And every exocrine system is here, too -- Chapel breaks off abruptly, noticing "Ilia" is peering intently -- almost with a glimmer of recognition -- at Decker. Slightly disconcerted, Chapel continues: CHAPEL (continuing) -- even eye moisture. "ILIA" (peering at Decker) Deck -- er. 257A FAVORING SPOCK 257A as everyone reacts to "Ilia's" utterance of Decker's name. It seems to make the deepest impression on Spock, confirming something he has suspected. SPOCK (to "Ilia") Interesting. Not 'Decker-unit'? "Ilia" continues peering at Decker with just a hint of a puzzled frown, a glimmer of distant recognition. It's the first time we've seen her expression look anything but cool and bland. This results in the quizzical rising of one of Spock's eyebrows. 258 ANOTHER ANGLE 258 McCoy's examination now turns "Ilia" away from the others. Spock quickly catches Kirk's and Decker's attention, indicates an adjoining door -- they fol- low him out of the room. 259 INT. McCOY'S OFFICE 259 as Kirk, Spock and Decker enter, the door snapping shut -- and Spock touching the electronic lock to secure them. He faces the others: SPOCK Captain... this probe may be a key a key to the Aliens. DECKER It's a programmed mechanism, Mr. Spock... SPOCK We have just seen that its body duplicates our navigator in precise detail. Suppose that beneath its programming, the real Ilia's memory patterns are duplicated with equal precision. KIRK They had a pattern to follow... SPOCK (nods) ... they may have followed it too precisely. KIRK (comprehending) Ilia's memory, her feelings of loyalty, friendship, obedience... might all be there. 259A ANGLE ON DECKER 259A also comprehending, and not liking it one bit as Spock and Kirk are both turning their attention to him. SPOCK Exactly. (to Decker) And you did have a 'relationship' with Lieutenant Ilia, Commander. DECKER That probe in there -- in a different form now -- is the same thing that killed Ilia! KIRK Commander, we're locked in an alien vessel, six hours from Earth orbit, our only contact with our captors is the probe. If we can control it, persuade it, use it in some way... Interrupted by the SOUND of someone trying to open the locked door behind them. Then a METAL RIPPING SOUND as they whirl to see: 260 MEDICAL OFFICE DOOR 260 with the METAL BUCKLING, TEARING -- and a single hand slicing the steel door like paper. It is the "Ilia" probe, her face absolutely impassive, her whole manner incongruously benign. (Behind her, a startled McCoy, Chapel and Chekov.) "Ilia" speaks flatly, blandly. "ILIA" I have recorded enough here. (motions to Kirk) You will now assist me further. Kirk exchanges a quick glance with Spock. Then: KIRK (indicating Decker) The Decker-unit can assist you with much greater efficiency... "Ilia" has seemed about to object -- but now her eyes hold on Decker. Then she nods. KIRK (continuing) Carry on with your assignment, Mr. Decker. 260A ANOTHER ANGLE - ACROSS DECKER TO THE SMASHED DOOR 260A (AND "ILIA") as Decker looks at "Ilia" who stands at the torn door. You can read Decker's mind: I'm supposed to persuade that?! He turns back, finds Kirk's eyes on him. Decker nods. DECKER Aye, sir. "Ilia" and a reluctant Decker EXIT. 260B EMPHASIZING SPOCK 260B looking very troubled as they watch Decker and "Ilia" leave. Kirk notices. KIRK Spock? Concerned about his chances? SPOCK I am uneasy with that being our only hope of more information. Spock EXITS. 261 INT. V'GER - THE ENTERPRISE 261 floating in the vast, eerie, alien chamber -- sporadic FLASHES OF ENERGY, erupting now and then. Various other EFFECTS. OVER this, Kirk's VOICE: KIRK (V.O.) Captain's Log. Stardate 7414.1. Our best estimates place us some four hours from Earth. No significant Ilia memory patterns within the alien probe. This remains our only means of contact with our captor. 262 INT. ENTERPRISE AIRLOCK AREA 262 The area dimly lit -- unoccupied but for a lone AIRLOCK TECHNICIAN checking and adjusting instruments. The CAMERA MOVES PAST him to FIND: 263 SPOCK 263 His face fixed with grim determination, walking quietly with obvious intent not to attract the Tech's attention. Now he steals up behind the TECH -- and in an instant has applied a Vulcan nerve pinch. The Tech slumps over his console. 264 INT KIRK'S CABIN - VIEWER MONITOR 264 Showing a CLOSE SHOT of ENTERPRISE PICTURES, then PULL BACK SLIGHTLY for an IMAGE of Decker and "Ilia" walk- ing through the Rec Deck. PULL BACK FURTHER TO SHOW Kirk watching this -- and with him is McCoy. They continue watching a troubled beat, as: DECKER (of pictures) All these vessels were called "Enterprise". "Ilia" is giving the pictures a very interested look as we HEAR in Kirk's cabin: UHURA'S INTERCOM VOICE (controlled excitement) Bridge to Captain... 265 OMITTED 265 266 INT. BRIDGE - UHURA'S STATION (SCIENCE STATION IN 266 B.G.) Uhura at her console, struggling to hear the signal. KIRK'S INTERCOM VOICE Kirk here. In the b.g., Spock's station a MAINTENANCE TEAM is replacing the broken Science Station computer. (Spock is conspicuously absent.) UHURA A faint signal from Starfleet, sir. They have the intruder on their monitors... (struggling to hear) They show us... three hours... twenty-four minutes from Earth! KIRK'S VOICE (thru intercom) Thank you. 267 INT. RECREATION DECK 267 Decker and "Ilia", the Rec Deck unoccupied but for a pair of wary SECURITY GUARDS at a very discreet dis- tance. They are near the pictures of the five Enter- prises, which should be FEATURED in this SHOT, as Decker waves his hand about the huge room. DECKER The carbon units use this area for recreation... (carefully) What type of recreation does the crew aboard your vessel enjoy...? 268 CLOSER TWO SHOT (PICTURES O.S.) 268 As "Ilia" moves on into the room, Decker follows: "ILIA" The words 'recreation' and 'enjoy' have no meaning to my programming. Decker peers at the lovely android with frustration -- and no little pain, for she is after all the exact replica of Ilia. She pays not the slightest attention to Decker's reaction, and begins walking about the Rec Deck taking in (and, clearly, transmitting all images to V'ger) the sights. They are near a game area (elec- tronic games), and now Decker points to one game, switches it on -- presses button to activate its LIGHTS and SOUNDS. "Ilia" watches interestedly as Decker operates the game. DECKER Ilia 'enjoyed' this game... she nearly always won -- And he demonstrates again, as "Ilia" steps to the device, deftly hits some buttons -- and for just an instant she turns to Decker with a momentary glimmer of recognition. 269 INT. KIRK'S CABIN - GROUP WATCHING THE MONITOR 269 McCoy watching with special interest: McCOY (approving) Good! He's using audial-visual association. But the words are not out of McCoy's mouth when "Ilia" says: "ILIA" This device serves no purpose. She steps away from the game; Decker's disappointment is evident. So is everyone elses. KIRK Damn...! McCOY (nods grimly) She needs something else: something much more personal to stimulate memory patterns. Something with a more emotional tie. Kirk reacts to this, reflective. 270 INT. REC DECK FULL ON DECKER AND "ILIA" 270 Decker waving back toward the general area of the Enterprise pictures. DECKER The crews of the previous Enterprises were also carbon units. In what way is the life form in your vessel different? "ILIA" Carbon units are not true life forms... Do those images repre- sent how Enterprise has evolved into its present form? DECKER (hoping he's struck a responsive chord) Yes. "ILIA" Carbon units have clearly retarded Enterprise's proper evolvement. DECKER (controlling surprise) What is Enterprise's proper evolvement? "ILIA" Enterprise should not require the presence of carbon units. And with this she moves off, observing other Rec Deck objects. Decker moves with her; then: DECKER (carefully) Enterprise would be unable to function without carbon units. "ILIA" More data concerning this functioning is necessary before carbon units can be patterned for data storage. 271 ACROSS "ILIA" TO DECKER 271 as he reacts to this ominous note; he stops abruptly. DECKER What does that mean? "ILIA" (stopping; almost pleasantly) When my examination is complete, the carbon units will be reduced to data patterns. This has been delivered with chilling blandness, and she stands facing Decker, almost as though waiting for him to thank her. He thinks fast now. DECKER Within you are memory patterns of a carbon unit. If I can help you revive these patterns; you could understand our functions better. "ILIA" That is logical. You may procede. 272 ON DECKER 272 realizing the difficult task ahead; the pain he will suffer. 273 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE (M) 273 The ship stationary in the chamber as now we SEE an exterior hatch sliding fully open. Up through the hatch a circular airlock door opens -- and a tiny figure in a thruster spacesuit emerges, steps into space, slowly floats down through the hatch and under the Enterprise saucer section. In this and subsequent VIEWS we will SEE that on the rear pack of his thruster spacesuit is a FLASHING STROBE LIGHT which regularly EMITS the identifying SIGNAL of this particular suit. (By which Kirk will be able to see Spock's position even from several miles away.) 274 CLOSER ON THE SPACESUITED FIGURE (M) 274 MOVING TOWARD the CAMERA until the features behind the face mask are clearly identifiable: Spock, his face set in the same grim, determined expression, as he touches his spacesuit transmitter control. SPOCK Computer, commence recording. Captain Kirk -- this message will detail my attempt to contact the aliens... 275 INT. BRIDGE 275 Kirk ENTERING, crossing Uhura as she calls: UHURA Starfleet signals, sir, growing in strength... (listening intently) They -- have Intruder on their monitors -- it's decelerating -- powerfield cloud beginning to dissipate... SULU Confirm, Captain. Lunar beacons indicate Intruder on a course into Earth orbit... CHEKOV (interrupting) Sir! Airlock four has been opened; a thruster suit is reported missing! KIRK (reacts knowingly) Spock...! (to navigator) Get a fix on his position! 276 INT. V'GER - MED. ON SPOCK 276 His features now set into an almost trance-like expres- sion as he concentrates on the thought emanations. Then we SEE his head turn, he peers off -- then he moves his thruster controls. We SEE the small blue jets of his thrusters -- his spacesuit figure begins to move off in the direction he was concentrating upon. 277 ANOTHER ANGLE - SPOCK 277 His thrusters moving him across V'ger's vast chamber then dropping down into a deep "trough"-like area which stretches into the distance ahead of him. A cloud of CRYSTAL FORMS (Kirk's entrapment) become visible to one side but Spock passes them at some dis- tance and does not attract them. We can SEE more clearly now the point on the inner wall of the trough toward which Spock is heading. It is an unusual combination of GLOWING FORCEFIELDS which seem to mark this point of the vessel as of some importance. (Here, also, we will become aware of "sensor-bee" swarms, intermittently darting toward this same wall from all points of the chamber.) 278 INT. AIRLOCK AREA 278 SHOWING Kirk in a thruster spacesuit, helmet being readied by AIRLOCK TECHNICIANS. McCoy is also here, arguing with Kirk: KIRK (from the start) ... I don't want him stopped, Bones; I want him to lead me to whatever's out there...! McCOY And if that 'whatever' has taken over his mind....? KIRK Then he'll have still led me to it, won't he? And Kirk steps into the airlock door, hits a control -- it begins sliding closed behind him. 279 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE 279 UP THROUGH the circular airlock door as it slides open -- and Kirk's tiny spacesuited figure floats down clear of the saucer. 280 CLOSER ON KIRK 280 SEEING his face through the spacesuit faceplate as he scans the darkness. SULU'S VOICE Bridge, Captain. We make Spock as 26 Mark 345 degrees off ship's axis. During which, Kirk spots something. 281 KIRK'S POV 281 Spock's STROBE blinker at a mile or so distance, nearing

engineering

How many times the word 'engineering' appears in the text?

ENERGY BOLT which instantly envelopes First Security Man in a PURPLE GLOW (of implosion). Second Security Man has almost lifted his phaser -- but now carefully, slowly is moving his hand away from his weapon. 210 CLOSER - THE SECURITY MEN (O) 210 PURPLE GLOW FADES, the First Security Man has simply vanished. 210A FULL SHOT - BRIDGE 210A Chekov, like the others, horrified, flips a switch and the COMPUTER-VOICE ("Intruder Alert") goes OFF. At the same time Chekov speaks into his intercom: CHEKOV Security... do not send further teams! The Probe is sending out snake-like tendrils to the various consoles on the bridge. These tendrils lash out in a cobra-strike movement, the tendril-head seeming to enter into the console affected -- at which time all monitors and instrument lights there come ON as if the Probe is "reading" each console function. The crew carefully stays clear of the tendrils. Spock has risen, moving to Kirk's side as he slowly brings his tricorder up, very carefully extracting its tiny sensor and aiming it at the probe. CHEKOV (shaken) No intruder readings on other decks, Captain... (to Spock) Can that be one of their crew? SPOCK (quiet) A probe from their vessel... (to Kirk) A plasma-energy combination... Meanwhile, the probe is now hovering near Chekov who sits frozen, fists clenched, jaw tight. DECKER Don't interfere with it...! CHEKOV Absolutely, I will not interfere! 210B ANGLE INCLUDING SPOCK'S CONSOLE (O) 210B as the "probe" withdraws an energy-tendril from one bridge station and "inserts" it into another console. KIRK No one interfere...! It doesn't seem interested in us -- only the ship...! Kirk's words are never completed as suddenly all the energy tendrils withdraw from all consoles and a larger, more powerful-looking tendril lashes out, snaking into the science console complex. 210C CLOSER ON SCIENCE CONSOLE 210C Where, also immediately, all the console and computer lights are suddenly flashing wildly, rapidly -- -- There is an incredibly fast EXCHANGE OF HIGH-PITCHED BEES -- the computer obviously in unauthorized commu- nication with the probe! KIRK Computer off! DECKER It's taken control of the computer...! KIRK It's running our records! Starfleet strength, Earth defenses... As Decker moves to the main power control, Spock now steps in, his Vulcan strength easily brushing Kirk and Decker aside. Spock clasps his fists above his head, brings it down in a SHATTERING BLOW on the console. It splits open! As the bridge lights dim even more, and as the science console shorts itself out -- and off, Decker confronts Spock: DECKER We could have cut it off at the main computer... SPOCK This served the purpose. Kirk has been giving Spock a puzzled look -- Spock now turns abruptly, and: 210D ANOTHER ANGLE (O) 210D as Spock, in stepping back, accidentally brushes the probe's energy tendril -- a FLASH OF LIGHT at the contact point sends Spock sinning under the rail and to the floor near Ilia. The probe's energy-tendril has withdrawn from the darkened science console, hov- ers high over the dazed Spock as if angrily seeking the reason for the break in its computer contact. Spock starts to rise. ILIA Mr. Spock, don't move...! Decker steps toward her, AD LIBBING a grim "Ilia...!" But he has no chance as: 211 OMITTED 211 - - 219 219 220 CLOSER ON ILIA (O) 220 The Probe hovers over her, its whole mass seemingly about to envelope her with a single tendril extended toward her, somehow freezing her into immobility - and then the entire Probe DISSOLVES IN A BLINDING FLASH OF WHITE, obscuring Ilia. Almost instantly the WHITE FLASH FADES -- but Ilia has vanished -- her tricorder clattering to the deck. 221 OMITTED 221 222 ACROSS THE NAVIGATOR'S STATION TO KIRK AND DECKER 222 helpless, shocked, gazing at the place Ilia was -- but which is now empty. DECKER (to Kirk, quiet fury) This is how I define unwarranted! And almost at the same moment a new BRIDGE ALARM SIGNAL. 223 OMITTED 223 - - 232 232 233 The ALARM still sounding as from the giant alien ves- 233 sel, we SEE STRANGE, OPAQUE ENERGY PATTERNS STREAKING TOWARD US. Kirk vaults to the command chair, lunges for controls, as Decker races to the weapons-defense console. DECKER (voice amplified) The ship is under attack...! Man all defensive stations...! KIRK Forcefields, full remaining strength...! Total reserve! Appropriate ALARM KLAXONS, and COMPUTER VOICES begin SOUNDING, and all this is lost in a SUDDEN SHRILLING SOUND (a constant, high-pitched tone). For a moment the energy patterns are prominent on the viewer -- and then the PATTERNS VANISHED and the SHRILL SOUND FADES -- and: 234 FAVOR THE VIEWER (O) 234 showing V'ger GROWING RAPIDLY IN SIZE. The Enterprise is being pulled along the length of the big ship, toward its "prow." SPOCK Captain, we have been seized by a tractor beam...! KIRK (to Decker) Get someone up here to take the Navigator's station...! (into intercom) Engineering... full emergency power! DECKER (into intercom) Chief Difalco to the bridge; on the double! 234A ENGINEERING 234A in a state of controlled chaos, all personnel at their stations, the Engine CORE GLOWING. Scott is working his controls, speaking into the intercom: SCOTT Going to full emergency... (studying readings) But Captain, if we don't break free in fifteen seconds, she'll burn up... 234B INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING SPOCK 234B as Spock studies his readings, and: SPOCK We cannot break free, Captain. (indicates monitors) We do not have a fraction of the power necessary. KIRK (into intercom) Delay that order, Scotty...! Disengage all main drive systems! Spock peers in deep concentration at the Main Viewer, trying to sense some clue. Kirk glances at him another moment, then turns to the Main Viewer himself, watches in frustrated helplessness. 235 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE BEING PULLED TOWARD V'GER (S) 235 the starship being pulled toward the giant as though on a taut cable. As we MOVE CLOSER, we SEE still more intricate details of the incredible Alien design. 236 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 236 as Difalco arrives on the run, and Decker AD LIBS to her, "Assume Navigator's station, Chief...!" Difalco, bewildered, wants to ask what happened, but no time, and she quickly sits at the post, begins orienting herself. Meanwhile, Decker has begun an Executive Officer's bridge circuit, assisting with various con- soles. Kirk is glancing toward Spock who continues concentrating on the Viewer, striving to comprehend the myriad of thoughts he is sensing from he Aliens. McCoy also arrives on the bridge, takes in the chaotic scene, watches the Viewer grimly. 237 OMITTED 237 - - 238 238 239 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER (S) 239 At the forward end of the giant, an odd-shapped "iris" begins opening menacingly. And it is frighteningly obvious that the tractor beam is pulling the Enterprise to the opening. 240 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 240 showing the unusual "iris" now almost fully open as Enterprise is drawn closer, closer -- through the "iris" we now SEE (some of) V'ger's interior: a dark void relieved only by strange flickering glows of dis- tant ENERGY FIELD PATTERNS. The crew reacts with understandable awe, apprehension, curiosity, as: DECKER Captain, suggest a maximum phaser strike directly at the beam might weaken it just enough for us to break free -- Spock replies for Kirk: quickly, as though to make his point convincingly: SPOCK Break free to where, Commander...? (to Kirk) Any show of resistance would not only be futile, Catain... 240XA ACROSS SPOCK TO KIRK (DECKER AND McCOY IN B.G.) 240XA as Kirk reacts somewhat curiously to Spock's remark, but it is Decker who articulates it: DECKER (troubled; suspicious) We don't know that, Mr. Spock. Why are you opposed to trying? Before Spock can reply: UHURA They're pulling us inside...! All face the Viewer again, react, with McCoy who has been observing all these reactions now galvanized into action: McCOY (to Chekov) Medical observers to all decks! And he hurries toward the elevators, CAMERA WITH HIM a moment, then SWINGING BACK TO: 240A PAST KIRK TO VIEWER (O) 240A Kirk staring at the viewer -- the "iris" now fully open so that the exterior of V'ger is no longer visible -- and all we can SEE is the monstrous void dead ahead, which is looming faster and larger before our eyes. And now we are inside. 241 OMITTED 241 - - 243 243 244 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER - AT THE "IRIS" (S) 244 Enterprise now being pulled past the opening -- into the ship proper. Now we can SEE that the dark void is actually a vast chamber, dimly and intermittently lit by POWERFIELDS appearing and vanishing along the vessel's inner walls, which are miles away in the distance. And here and there in the chamber gigantic ENERGY DISPLAYS erupt briefly with a certain symmetry that suggests they must be part of V'ger's ower or control systems. 245 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 245 Kirk peering awed at the Viewer, the incredible sight of the chamber -- suddenly glances up to see that Spock is standing beside him -- Decker nearby, turns to Spock: DECKER (to Spock) Why bring us inside? Not to destroy us; they could have done that outside. KIRK They could have many ways of destroying things, Mr. Decker. SPOCK (peering at Viewer) Something about us puzzles them... perhaps even concerns them. 245A ANGLE ON UHURA 245A Reacting to a console reading: UHURA Captain, photic-sonar readings indicate the aperture is closing; we're trapped, sir...! 246 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE ENTERING V'GER (S) 246 The starship is pulled inside, the "iris" is closing behind it. 247 INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING THE VIEWER (O) 247 The viewer image changing from the huge dark chamber, rear angle shot, showing the "iris" closing. SULU Reverse angle on the viewer, Captain. On the viewer the final glimmer from exterior space as the "iris" closes completely. 248 REACTIONS 248 All eyes on the viewer, CAMERA FINDING ONE FACE AFTER ANOTHER, the reality of the situation etched into each face. Then: 248A FAVORING KIRK 248A As Spock turns from a reading: SPOCK The tractor beam has released us, Captain. DIFALCO Confirmed: Vessel is floating free. No forward momentum. KIRK Viewer ahead. SULU Viewer ahead, sir. 248B INSERT - MAIN VIEWER 248B Ahead, the cavernous interior of V'ger. 248C BACK TO SHOT 248C Kirk eying the main viewer -- Decker watching Kirk. KIRK Maneuvering thrusters, Mr. Sulu; ahead one third. (to Spock) Full sensor scan, Mr. Spock; they can't expect us not to look them over now! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters ahead, one third. SPOCK (manipulating controls) Commencing sensor scans. Kirk rises, goes to Spock's station. 249 INT. V'GER ENTRANCE CHAMBER - ENTERPRISE (S) 249 The Enterprise moving slowly forward in this vastness, its running lights merely specks of light, candles in the darkness. In the distance those occasional ERUPT- ING POWER DISPLAYS in distant locations, sizes, shapes and patterns. 250 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING MAIN VIEWER (O) 250 showing another persective of the above, and further away GLOWING ENERGY FIELDS dimly illuminating the alien ship's walls -- miles away. Strange semi--solid LIGHT SHAPES (some are "sensor-bee" swarms) traverse the dark- ness in random directions. But in the distance ahead, there seems to be an opening to another chamber. SULU (of Viewer) Something ahead, sir; looks like another area... (reacts) It's closing up...! Sulu is indicating what appears to be a lace-bulwark of POWERFIELD PATTERNS closing off the "chamber" in the distance ahead. Kirk, from the Science Station calls out: KIRK Hold station...! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters at station keeping... 251 ANGLE EMPHASIZING SPOCK 251 at his Science consoles, working rapidly, shifting from one set of controls to another. Now he hits a master control -- his console monitors FLASH, then go dark. SPOCK Captain... Spock brings a monitor IMAGE ON again, indicates a (Povill) pattern showing a line hitting something, then reversing direction. SPOCK (continuing) All scans are being reflected back, Captain. Our sensors are useless. 251A ACROSS THEM TO THE MAIN VIEWER 251A Kirk reacts with disappointment, indicates the main viewer. KIRK Have you been able to analyze any of this...? SPOCK (voice increasingly reverential) I believe the light flares to be energy fields -- undoubtedly part of the vessel's inner mechanism. A technology so incredibly sophisticated that I cannot -- COMPUTER VOICE (overlapping) Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert..! (continues) 252 OMITTED 252 - - 253 253 254 ANGLE ON CHEKOV 254 Reacting to a console reading: CHEKOV Deck four, Captain; Officers' Quarters...! KIRK (to Chekov) Have a security team meet me at Deck Four main elevator! A moment's reaction from all at this, Kirk hurrying toward elevator, calling: KIRK (continuing) Take the conn, Mr. Decker: Hold present position... (gesturing Spock to join him) Spock... And Spock rises, joins Kirk and they hurriedly exit, the CAMERA SWINGING BACK to Decker, his perplexed con- cern (because of Ilia). 254A INT. ILIA'S CABIN - THE SONIC SHOWER 254A Where we SEE, behind the translucent stall door, what is unmistakably the form of the NUDE FEMALE. 255 INT. ILIA'S CABIN - KIRK 255 entering, Spock slightly behind him - and one Security Guard. Kirk glances around the room, now glances at the shower area and reacts as he sees the NAKED FORM. The others react similarly, even Spock cannot help re- pressing an expression of surprise. A moment's uncer- tainty as Kirk peers at them, then he steps to the stall door, hesitates another instant -- then slides the door open. (NOTE: Arrange lighting for bizarre, mysterious effect.) Kirk's eyes cannot believe what he is seeing: 255A "ILIA" 255A standing in the sonic mist, naked but for a small multi-colored button embedded in her throat. As she looks at Kirk -- and the others -- the men peer back at her, speechless. "ILIA" I have been programmed by V'ger to observe and record normal functioning of the carbon-based units infesting USS ENTERPRISE. Kirk peers at her another nonplussed moment, then leans into the shower to touch a control, his eyes fixed on the lovely body behind the mist. He punches in a three digit code. Immediately a HUMMING SOUND emanates from the shower stall, Kirk closing the door, but 'Ilia" remaining inside. 256 ACROSS KIRK AND THE OTHERS TO THE SHOWER STALL 256 The HUMMING SOUND just now reaching a gentle crescendo -- through the translucent door you can see COLORS ENVELOPING "ILIA'S" FORM. And now the SOUND STOPS. "Ilia", attired in a leisure robe, steps from the stall, into the room. She stands facing Kirk, her face impas- sive, eyes unblinking. He looks her back a moment, then glances at Spock, who is gazing at "Ilia" in abso- lute fascination. Kirk addresses her: KIRK Who is...'V'ger'...? "ILIA" V'ger is that which programmed me. KIRK Is V'ger the Captain of the alien vessel? 256A ANGLE ON THE DOOR - McCOY 256A rushing in, concerned: McCOY Jim, what's -- At the sight of 'Ilia", McCoy's words die in his throat -- and his trained eyes have instantly told him some- thing is awry. He unslings his tricorder, aims the sensor unit at "Ilia". As he reads his instruments, his face reveals the results (incredulity, fascination). Meanwhile, from the start: "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. McCOY (of "Ilia") Jim, this is a mechanism...! Kirk stares at McCoy, then at "Ilia" and realizes that "Ilia" is indeed non-human. And quickly: KIRK Where is Lt. Ilia? "ILIA" That unit no longer functions. I have been given its form to more readily communicate with the carbon-based units infesting Enterprise. SECURITY GUARD "Carbon-based units"...? McCOY (drily) Humans, Ensign Lang: us. (continues tricorder exam, increasingly impressed) KIRK (to "Ilia") Why does V'ger travel to the third planet of the solar system directly ahead? "ILIA" V'ger travels to the third planet to find the Creator. Stunned, disbelieving reactions as all four attempt to digest this -- Spock gazing at "Ilia" with even more rapt fascination. Kirk, bewildered, addresses the others: KIRK Find the Creator? What Creator? Whose...!? (to "Ilia") What does V'ger want of the 'Creator'... ? "ILIA" To join with him. 256B FAVORING SPOCK 256B suddenly alert, addressing "Ilia": SPOCK Join with the Creator... ? How? "ILIA" V'ger and the Creator will become One. SPOCK Who is the Creator? McCOY (worried) Mr. Spock, be careful. "ILIA" The Creator is that which created V'ger. KIRK Who is V'ger? "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. Another moment of total exasperation, frustration, during which "Ilia" seems to be waiting politely, patiently for any further questions. When none are forthcoming: "ILIA" (continuing; pleasant, bland) I am ready to commence my observations. SPOCK (fast; to McCoy) Doctor, a thorough examination of this probe might provide some insight into those who manufactured it, and how to deal with them. McCOY Let's get her to sickbay. And he grasps "Ilia's" arm to escort her. But is as though he has seized cast iron: immovable. McCoy is thrown off balance merely by 'Ilia's" remaining sta- tionary. She ignores McCoy, addresses Kirk: "ILIA" I am programmed to observe and record normal functioning procedures of the carbon-based units. 256B Kirk glances at McCoy, who is totally bemused, but then 256B Kirk quickly responds to "Ilia": KIRK The examination is a normal function. "ILIA" (a beat) You may proceede. McCOY (carefully) Thank you. 257 CLOSE SHOT OF EXAMINING ROOM VIEWER (O) 257 scanning a "body". PULL BACK TO SHOW McCoy, Chapel, Kirk, Spock and Chekov -- standing over "ILIA" who lies prone on the table, the physicians moving the scanner over her. McCOY (from the start; indicating) ... micro-miniature hydraulics, sensors, molecule-sized multi- processor chips... and look at this... In the b.g., Decker enters, grimly observes the proceed- ings. CHAPEL (impressed) An osmotic micro-pump... here and here. Even the smallest body functions are exactly duplicated. (traces with finger on screen) And every exocrine system is here, too -- Chapel breaks off abruptly, noticing "Ilia" is peering intently -- almost with a glimmer of recognition -- at Decker. Slightly disconcerted, Chapel continues: CHAPEL (continuing) -- even eye moisture. "ILIA" (peering at Decker) Deck -- er. 257A FAVORING SPOCK 257A as everyone reacts to "Ilia's" utterance of Decker's name. It seems to make the deepest impression on Spock, confirming something he has suspected. SPOCK (to "Ilia") Interesting. Not 'Decker-unit'? "Ilia" continues peering at Decker with just a hint of a puzzled frown, a glimmer of distant recognition. It's the first time we've seen her expression look anything but cool and bland. This results in the quizzical rising of one of Spock's eyebrows. 258 ANOTHER ANGLE 258 McCoy's examination now turns "Ilia" away from the others. Spock quickly catches Kirk's and Decker's attention, indicates an adjoining door -- they fol- low him out of the room. 259 INT. McCOY'S OFFICE 259 as Kirk, Spock and Decker enter, the door snapping shut -- and Spock touching the electronic lock to secure them. He faces the others: SPOCK Captain... this probe may be a key a key to the Aliens. DECKER It's a programmed mechanism, Mr. Spock... SPOCK We have just seen that its body duplicates our navigator in precise detail. Suppose that beneath its programming, the real Ilia's memory patterns are duplicated with equal precision. KIRK They had a pattern to follow... SPOCK (nods) ... they may have followed it too precisely. KIRK (comprehending) Ilia's memory, her feelings of loyalty, friendship, obedience... might all be there. 259A ANGLE ON DECKER 259A also comprehending, and not liking it one bit as Spock and Kirk are both turning their attention to him. SPOCK Exactly. (to Decker) And you did have a 'relationship' with Lieutenant Ilia, Commander. DECKER That probe in there -- in a different form now -- is the same thing that killed Ilia! KIRK Commander, we're locked in an alien vessel, six hours from Earth orbit, our only contact with our captors is the probe. If we can control it, persuade it, use it in some way... Interrupted by the SOUND of someone trying to open the locked door behind them. Then a METAL RIPPING SOUND as they whirl to see: 260 MEDICAL OFFICE DOOR 260 with the METAL BUCKLING, TEARING -- and a single hand slicing the steel door like paper. It is the "Ilia" probe, her face absolutely impassive, her whole manner incongruously benign. (Behind her, a startled McCoy, Chapel and Chekov.) "Ilia" speaks flatly, blandly. "ILIA" I have recorded enough here. (motions to Kirk) You will now assist me further. Kirk exchanges a quick glance with Spock. Then: KIRK (indicating Decker) The Decker-unit can assist you with much greater efficiency... "Ilia" has seemed about to object -- but now her eyes hold on Decker. Then she nods. KIRK (continuing) Carry on with your assignment, Mr. Decker. 260A ANOTHER ANGLE - ACROSS DECKER TO THE SMASHED DOOR 260A (AND "ILIA") as Decker looks at "Ilia" who stands at the torn door. You can read Decker's mind: I'm supposed to persuade that?! He turns back, finds Kirk's eyes on him. Decker nods. DECKER Aye, sir. "Ilia" and a reluctant Decker EXIT. 260B EMPHASIZING SPOCK 260B looking very troubled as they watch Decker and "Ilia" leave. Kirk notices. KIRK Spock? Concerned about his chances? SPOCK I am uneasy with that being our only hope of more information. Spock EXITS. 261 INT. V'GER - THE ENTERPRISE 261 floating in the vast, eerie, alien chamber -- sporadic FLASHES OF ENERGY, erupting now and then. Various other EFFECTS. OVER this, Kirk's VOICE: KIRK (V.O.) Captain's Log. Stardate 7414.1. Our best estimates place us some four hours from Earth. No significant Ilia memory patterns within the alien probe. This remains our only means of contact with our captor. 262 INT. ENTERPRISE AIRLOCK AREA 262 The area dimly lit -- unoccupied but for a lone AIRLOCK TECHNICIAN checking and adjusting instruments. The CAMERA MOVES PAST him to FIND: 263 SPOCK 263 His face fixed with grim determination, walking quietly with obvious intent not to attract the Tech's attention. Now he steals up behind the TECH -- and in an instant has applied a Vulcan nerve pinch. The Tech slumps over his console. 264 INT KIRK'S CABIN - VIEWER MONITOR 264 Showing a CLOSE SHOT of ENTERPRISE PICTURES, then PULL BACK SLIGHTLY for an IMAGE of Decker and "Ilia" walk- ing through the Rec Deck. PULL BACK FURTHER TO SHOW Kirk watching this -- and with him is McCoy. They continue watching a troubled beat, as: DECKER (of pictures) All these vessels were called "Enterprise". "Ilia" is giving the pictures a very interested look as we HEAR in Kirk's cabin: UHURA'S INTERCOM VOICE (controlled excitement) Bridge to Captain... 265 OMITTED 265 266 INT. BRIDGE - UHURA'S STATION (SCIENCE STATION IN 266 B.G.) Uhura at her console, struggling to hear the signal. KIRK'S INTERCOM VOICE Kirk here. In the b.g., Spock's station a MAINTENANCE TEAM is replacing the broken Science Station computer. (Spock is conspicuously absent.) UHURA A faint signal from Starfleet, sir. They have the intruder on their monitors... (struggling to hear) They show us... three hours... twenty-four minutes from Earth! KIRK'S VOICE (thru intercom) Thank you. 267 INT. RECREATION DECK 267 Decker and "Ilia", the Rec Deck unoccupied but for a pair of wary SECURITY GUARDS at a very discreet dis- tance. They are near the pictures of the five Enter- prises, which should be FEATURED in this SHOT, as Decker waves his hand about the huge room. DECKER The carbon units use this area for recreation... (carefully) What type of recreation does the crew aboard your vessel enjoy...? 268 CLOSER TWO SHOT (PICTURES O.S.) 268 As "Ilia" moves on into the room, Decker follows: "ILIA" The words 'recreation' and 'enjoy' have no meaning to my programming. Decker peers at the lovely android with frustration -- and no little pain, for she is after all the exact replica of Ilia. She pays not the slightest attention to Decker's reaction, and begins walking about the Rec Deck taking in (and, clearly, transmitting all images to V'ger) the sights. They are near a game area (elec- tronic games), and now Decker points to one game, switches it on -- presses button to activate its LIGHTS and SOUNDS. "Ilia" watches interestedly as Decker operates the game. DECKER Ilia 'enjoyed' this game... she nearly always won -- And he demonstrates again, as "Ilia" steps to the device, deftly hits some buttons -- and for just an instant she turns to Decker with a momentary glimmer of recognition. 269 INT. KIRK'S CABIN - GROUP WATCHING THE MONITOR 269 McCoy watching with special interest: McCOY (approving) Good! He's using audial-visual association. But the words are not out of McCoy's mouth when "Ilia" says: "ILIA" This device serves no purpose. She steps away from the game; Decker's disappointment is evident. So is everyone elses. KIRK Damn...! McCOY (nods grimly) She needs something else: something much more personal to stimulate memory patterns. Something with a more emotional tie. Kirk reacts to this, reflective. 270 INT. REC DECK FULL ON DECKER AND "ILIA" 270 Decker waving back toward the general area of the Enterprise pictures. DECKER The crews of the previous Enterprises were also carbon units. In what way is the life form in your vessel different? "ILIA" Carbon units are not true life forms... Do those images repre- sent how Enterprise has evolved into its present form? DECKER (hoping he's struck a responsive chord) Yes. "ILIA" Carbon units have clearly retarded Enterprise's proper evolvement. DECKER (controlling surprise) What is Enterprise's proper evolvement? "ILIA" Enterprise should not require the presence of carbon units. And with this she moves off, observing other Rec Deck objects. Decker moves with her; then: DECKER (carefully) Enterprise would be unable to function without carbon units. "ILIA" More data concerning this functioning is necessary before carbon units can be patterned for data storage. 271 ACROSS "ILIA" TO DECKER 271 as he reacts to this ominous note; he stops abruptly. DECKER What does that mean? "ILIA" (stopping; almost pleasantly) When my examination is complete, the carbon units will be reduced to data patterns. This has been delivered with chilling blandness, and she stands facing Decker, almost as though waiting for him to thank her. He thinks fast now. DECKER Within you are memory patterns of a carbon unit. If I can help you revive these patterns; you could understand our functions better. "ILIA" That is logical. You may procede. 272 ON DECKER 272 realizing the difficult task ahead; the pain he will suffer. 273 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE (M) 273 The ship stationary in the chamber as now we SEE an exterior hatch sliding fully open. Up through the hatch a circular airlock door opens -- and a tiny figure in a thruster spacesuit emerges, steps into space, slowly floats down through the hatch and under the Enterprise saucer section. In this and subsequent VIEWS we will SEE that on the rear pack of his thruster spacesuit is a FLASHING STROBE LIGHT which regularly EMITS the identifying SIGNAL of this particular suit. (By which Kirk will be able to see Spock's position even from several miles away.) 274 CLOSER ON THE SPACESUITED FIGURE (M) 274 MOVING TOWARD the CAMERA until the features behind the face mask are clearly identifiable: Spock, his face set in the same grim, determined expression, as he touches his spacesuit transmitter control. SPOCK Computer, commence recording. Captain Kirk -- this message will detail my attempt to contact the aliens... 275 INT. BRIDGE 275 Kirk ENTERING, crossing Uhura as she calls: UHURA Starfleet signals, sir, growing in strength... (listening intently) They -- have Intruder on their monitors -- it's decelerating -- powerfield cloud beginning to dissipate... SULU Confirm, Captain. Lunar beacons indicate Intruder on a course into Earth orbit... CHEKOV (interrupting) Sir! Airlock four has been opened; a thruster suit is reported missing! KIRK (reacts knowingly) Spock...! (to navigator) Get a fix on his position! 276 INT. V'GER - MED. ON SPOCK 276 His features now set into an almost trance-like expres- sion as he concentrates on the thought emanations. Then we SEE his head turn, he peers off -- then he moves his thruster controls. We SEE the small blue jets of his thrusters -- his spacesuit figure begins to move off in the direction he was concentrating upon. 277 ANOTHER ANGLE - SPOCK 277 His thrusters moving him across V'ger's vast chamber then dropping down into a deep "trough"-like area which stretches into the distance ahead of him. A cloud of CRYSTAL FORMS (Kirk's entrapment) become visible to one side but Spock passes them at some dis- tance and does not attract them. We can SEE more clearly now the point on the inner wall of the trough toward which Spock is heading. It is an unusual combination of GLOWING FORCEFIELDS which seem to mark this point of the vessel as of some importance. (Here, also, we will become aware of "sensor-bee" swarms, intermittently darting toward this same wall from all points of the chamber.) 278 INT. AIRLOCK AREA 278 SHOWING Kirk in a thruster spacesuit, helmet being readied by AIRLOCK TECHNICIANS. McCoy is also here, arguing with Kirk: KIRK (from the start) ... I don't want him stopped, Bones; I want him to lead me to whatever's out there...! McCOY And if that 'whatever' has taken over his mind....? KIRK Then he'll have still led me to it, won't he? And Kirk steps into the airlock door, hits a control -- it begins sliding closed behind him. 279 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE 279 UP THROUGH the circular airlock door as it slides open -- and Kirk's tiny spacesuited figure floats down clear of the saucer. 280 CLOSER ON KIRK 280 SEEING his face through the spacesuit faceplate as he scans the darkness. SULU'S VOICE Bridge, Captain. We make Spock as 26 Mark 345 degrees off ship's axis. During which, Kirk spots something. 281 KIRK'S POV 281 Spock's STROBE blinker at a mile or so distance, nearing

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ENERGY BOLT which instantly envelopes First Security Man in a PURPLE GLOW (of implosion). Second Security Man has almost lifted his phaser -- but now carefully, slowly is moving his hand away from his weapon. 210 CLOSER - THE SECURITY MEN (O) 210 PURPLE GLOW FADES, the First Security Man has simply vanished. 210A FULL SHOT - BRIDGE 210A Chekov, like the others, horrified, flips a switch and the COMPUTER-VOICE ("Intruder Alert") goes OFF. At the same time Chekov speaks into his intercom: CHEKOV Security... do not send further teams! The Probe is sending out snake-like tendrils to the various consoles on the bridge. These tendrils lash out in a cobra-strike movement, the tendril-head seeming to enter into the console affected -- at which time all monitors and instrument lights there come ON as if the Probe is "reading" each console function. The crew carefully stays clear of the tendrils. Spock has risen, moving to Kirk's side as he slowly brings his tricorder up, very carefully extracting its tiny sensor and aiming it at the probe. CHEKOV (shaken) No intruder readings on other decks, Captain... (to Spock) Can that be one of their crew? SPOCK (quiet) A probe from their vessel... (to Kirk) A plasma-energy combination... Meanwhile, the probe is now hovering near Chekov who sits frozen, fists clenched, jaw tight. DECKER Don't interfere with it...! CHEKOV Absolutely, I will not interfere! 210B ANGLE INCLUDING SPOCK'S CONSOLE (O) 210B as the "probe" withdraws an energy-tendril from one bridge station and "inserts" it into another console. KIRK No one interfere...! It doesn't seem interested in us -- only the ship...! Kirk's words are never completed as suddenly all the energy tendrils withdraw from all consoles and a larger, more powerful-looking tendril lashes out, snaking into the science console complex. 210C CLOSER ON SCIENCE CONSOLE 210C Where, also immediately, all the console and computer lights are suddenly flashing wildly, rapidly -- -- There is an incredibly fast EXCHANGE OF HIGH-PITCHED BEES -- the computer obviously in unauthorized commu- nication with the probe! KIRK Computer off! DECKER It's taken control of the computer...! KIRK It's running our records! Starfleet strength, Earth defenses... As Decker moves to the main power control, Spock now steps in, his Vulcan strength easily brushing Kirk and Decker aside. Spock clasps his fists above his head, brings it down in a SHATTERING BLOW on the console. It splits open! As the bridge lights dim even more, and as the science console shorts itself out -- and off, Decker confronts Spock: DECKER We could have cut it off at the main computer... SPOCK This served the purpose. Kirk has been giving Spock a puzzled look -- Spock now turns abruptly, and: 210D ANOTHER ANGLE (O) 210D as Spock, in stepping back, accidentally brushes the probe's energy tendril -- a FLASH OF LIGHT at the contact point sends Spock sinning under the rail and to the floor near Ilia. The probe's energy-tendril has withdrawn from the darkened science console, hov- ers high over the dazed Spock as if angrily seeking the reason for the break in its computer contact. Spock starts to rise. ILIA Mr. Spock, don't move...! Decker steps toward her, AD LIBBING a grim "Ilia...!" But he has no chance as: 211 OMITTED 211 - - 219 219 220 CLOSER ON ILIA (O) 220 The Probe hovers over her, its whole mass seemingly about to envelope her with a single tendril extended toward her, somehow freezing her into immobility - and then the entire Probe DISSOLVES IN A BLINDING FLASH OF WHITE, obscuring Ilia. Almost instantly the WHITE FLASH FADES -- but Ilia has vanished -- her tricorder clattering to the deck. 221 OMITTED 221 222 ACROSS THE NAVIGATOR'S STATION TO KIRK AND DECKER 222 helpless, shocked, gazing at the place Ilia was -- but which is now empty. DECKER (to Kirk, quiet fury) This is how I define unwarranted! And almost at the same moment a new BRIDGE ALARM SIGNAL. 223 OMITTED 223 - - 232 232 233 The ALARM still sounding as from the giant alien ves- 233 sel, we SEE STRANGE, OPAQUE ENERGY PATTERNS STREAKING TOWARD US. Kirk vaults to the command chair, lunges for controls, as Decker races to the weapons-defense console. DECKER (voice amplified) The ship is under attack...! Man all defensive stations...! KIRK Forcefields, full remaining strength...! Total reserve! Appropriate ALARM KLAXONS, and COMPUTER VOICES begin SOUNDING, and all this is lost in a SUDDEN SHRILLING SOUND (a constant, high-pitched tone). For a moment the energy patterns are prominent on the viewer -- and then the PATTERNS VANISHED and the SHRILL SOUND FADES -- and: 234 FAVOR THE VIEWER (O) 234 showing V'ger GROWING RAPIDLY IN SIZE. The Enterprise is being pulled along the length of the big ship, toward its "prow." SPOCK Captain, we have been seized by a tractor beam...! KIRK (to Decker) Get someone up here to take the Navigator's station...! (into intercom) Engineering... full emergency power! DECKER (into intercom) Chief Difalco to the bridge; on the double! 234A ENGINEERING 234A in a state of controlled chaos, all personnel at their stations, the Engine CORE GLOWING. Scott is working his controls, speaking into the intercom: SCOTT Going to full emergency... (studying readings) But Captain, if we don't break free in fifteen seconds, she'll burn up... 234B INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING SPOCK 234B as Spock studies his readings, and: SPOCK We cannot break free, Captain. (indicates monitors) We do not have a fraction of the power necessary. KIRK (into intercom) Delay that order, Scotty...! Disengage all main drive systems! Spock peers in deep concentration at the Main Viewer, trying to sense some clue. Kirk glances at him another moment, then turns to the Main Viewer himself, watches in frustrated helplessness. 235 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE BEING PULLED TOWARD V'GER (S) 235 the starship being pulled toward the giant as though on a taut cable. As we MOVE CLOSER, we SEE still more intricate details of the incredible Alien design. 236 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 236 as Difalco arrives on the run, and Decker AD LIBS to her, "Assume Navigator's station, Chief...!" Difalco, bewildered, wants to ask what happened, but no time, and she quickly sits at the post, begins orienting herself. Meanwhile, Decker has begun an Executive Officer's bridge circuit, assisting with various con- soles. Kirk is glancing toward Spock who continues concentrating on the Viewer, striving to comprehend the myriad of thoughts he is sensing from he Aliens. McCoy also arrives on the bridge, takes in the chaotic scene, watches the Viewer grimly. 237 OMITTED 237 - - 238 238 239 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER (S) 239 At the forward end of the giant, an odd-shapped "iris" begins opening menacingly. And it is frighteningly obvious that the tractor beam is pulling the Enterprise to the opening. 240 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 240 showing the unusual "iris" now almost fully open as Enterprise is drawn closer, closer -- through the "iris" we now SEE (some of) V'ger's interior: a dark void relieved only by strange flickering glows of dis- tant ENERGY FIELD PATTERNS. The crew reacts with understandable awe, apprehension, curiosity, as: DECKER Captain, suggest a maximum phaser strike directly at the beam might weaken it just enough for us to break free -- Spock replies for Kirk: quickly, as though to make his point convincingly: SPOCK Break free to where, Commander...? (to Kirk) Any show of resistance would not only be futile, Catain... 240XA ACROSS SPOCK TO KIRK (DECKER AND McCOY IN B.G.) 240XA as Kirk reacts somewhat curiously to Spock's remark, but it is Decker who articulates it: DECKER (troubled; suspicious) We don't know that, Mr. Spock. Why are you opposed to trying? Before Spock can reply: UHURA They're pulling us inside...! All face the Viewer again, react, with McCoy who has been observing all these reactions now galvanized into action: McCOY (to Chekov) Medical observers to all decks! And he hurries toward the elevators, CAMERA WITH HIM a moment, then SWINGING BACK TO: 240A PAST KIRK TO VIEWER (O) 240A Kirk staring at the viewer -- the "iris" now fully open so that the exterior of V'ger is no longer visible -- and all we can SEE is the monstrous void dead ahead, which is looming faster and larger before our eyes. And now we are inside. 241 OMITTED 241 - - 243 243 244 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER - AT THE "IRIS" (S) 244 Enterprise now being pulled past the opening -- into the ship proper. Now we can SEE that the dark void is actually a vast chamber, dimly and intermittently lit by POWERFIELDS appearing and vanishing along the vessel's inner walls, which are miles away in the distance. And here and there in the chamber gigantic ENERGY DISPLAYS erupt briefly with a certain symmetry that suggests they must be part of V'ger's ower or control systems. 245 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 245 Kirk peering awed at the Viewer, the incredible sight of the chamber -- suddenly glances up to see that Spock is standing beside him -- Decker nearby, turns to Spock: DECKER (to Spock) Why bring us inside? Not to destroy us; they could have done that outside. KIRK They could have many ways of destroying things, Mr. Decker. SPOCK (peering at Viewer) Something about us puzzles them... perhaps even concerns them. 245A ANGLE ON UHURA 245A Reacting to a console reading: UHURA Captain, photic-sonar readings indicate the aperture is closing; we're trapped, sir...! 246 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE ENTERING V'GER (S) 246 The starship is pulled inside, the "iris" is closing behind it. 247 INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING THE VIEWER (O) 247 The viewer image changing from the huge dark chamber, rear angle shot, showing the "iris" closing. SULU Reverse angle on the viewer, Captain. On the viewer the final glimmer from exterior space as the "iris" closes completely. 248 REACTIONS 248 All eyes on the viewer, CAMERA FINDING ONE FACE AFTER ANOTHER, the reality of the situation etched into each face. Then: 248A FAVORING KIRK 248A As Spock turns from a reading: SPOCK The tractor beam has released us, Captain. DIFALCO Confirmed: Vessel is floating free. No forward momentum. KIRK Viewer ahead. SULU Viewer ahead, sir. 248B INSERT - MAIN VIEWER 248B Ahead, the cavernous interior of V'ger. 248C BACK TO SHOT 248C Kirk eying the main viewer -- Decker watching Kirk. KIRK Maneuvering thrusters, Mr. Sulu; ahead one third. (to Spock) Full sensor scan, Mr. Spock; they can't expect us not to look them over now! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters ahead, one third. SPOCK (manipulating controls) Commencing sensor scans. Kirk rises, goes to Spock's station. 249 INT. V'GER ENTRANCE CHAMBER - ENTERPRISE (S) 249 The Enterprise moving slowly forward in this vastness, its running lights merely specks of light, candles in the darkness. In the distance those occasional ERUPT- ING POWER DISPLAYS in distant locations, sizes, shapes and patterns. 250 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING MAIN VIEWER (O) 250 showing another persective of the above, and further away GLOWING ENERGY FIELDS dimly illuminating the alien ship's walls -- miles away. Strange semi--solid LIGHT SHAPES (some are "sensor-bee" swarms) traverse the dark- ness in random directions. But in the distance ahead, there seems to be an opening to another chamber. SULU (of Viewer) Something ahead, sir; looks like another area... (reacts) It's closing up...! Sulu is indicating what appears to be a lace-bulwark of POWERFIELD PATTERNS closing off the "chamber" in the distance ahead. Kirk, from the Science Station calls out: KIRK Hold station...! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters at station keeping... 251 ANGLE EMPHASIZING SPOCK 251 at his Science consoles, working rapidly, shifting from one set of controls to another. Now he hits a master control -- his console monitors FLASH, then go dark. SPOCK Captain... Spock brings a monitor IMAGE ON again, indicates a (Povill) pattern showing a line hitting something, then reversing direction. SPOCK (continuing) All scans are being reflected back, Captain. Our sensors are useless. 251A ACROSS THEM TO THE MAIN VIEWER 251A Kirk reacts with disappointment, indicates the main viewer. KIRK Have you been able to analyze any of this...? SPOCK (voice increasingly reverential) I believe the light flares to be energy fields -- undoubtedly part of the vessel's inner mechanism. A technology so incredibly sophisticated that I cannot -- COMPUTER VOICE (overlapping) Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert..! (continues) 252 OMITTED 252 - - 253 253 254 ANGLE ON CHEKOV 254 Reacting to a console reading: CHEKOV Deck four, Captain; Officers' Quarters...! KIRK (to Chekov) Have a security team meet me at Deck Four main elevator! A moment's reaction from all at this, Kirk hurrying toward elevator, calling: KIRK (continuing) Take the conn, Mr. Decker: Hold present position... (gesturing Spock to join him) Spock... And Spock rises, joins Kirk and they hurriedly exit, the CAMERA SWINGING BACK to Decker, his perplexed con- cern (because of Ilia). 254A INT. ILIA'S CABIN - THE SONIC SHOWER 254A Where we SEE, behind the translucent stall door, what is unmistakably the form of the NUDE FEMALE. 255 INT. ILIA'S CABIN - KIRK 255 entering, Spock slightly behind him - and one Security Guard. Kirk glances around the room, now glances at the shower area and reacts as he sees the NAKED FORM. The others react similarly, even Spock cannot help re- pressing an expression of surprise. A moment's uncer- tainty as Kirk peers at them, then he steps to the stall door, hesitates another instant -- then slides the door open. (NOTE: Arrange lighting for bizarre, mysterious effect.) Kirk's eyes cannot believe what he is seeing: 255A "ILIA" 255A standing in the sonic mist, naked but for a small multi-colored button embedded in her throat. As she looks at Kirk -- and the others -- the men peer back at her, speechless. "ILIA" I have been programmed by V'ger to observe and record normal functioning of the carbon-based units infesting USS ENTERPRISE. Kirk peers at her another nonplussed moment, then leans into the shower to touch a control, his eyes fixed on the lovely body behind the mist. He punches in a three digit code. Immediately a HUMMING SOUND emanates from the shower stall, Kirk closing the door, but 'Ilia" remaining inside. 256 ACROSS KIRK AND THE OTHERS TO THE SHOWER STALL 256 The HUMMING SOUND just now reaching a gentle crescendo -- through the translucent door you can see COLORS ENVELOPING "ILIA'S" FORM. And now the SOUND STOPS. "Ilia", attired in a leisure robe, steps from the stall, into the room. She stands facing Kirk, her face impas- sive, eyes unblinking. He looks her back a moment, then glances at Spock, who is gazing at "Ilia" in abso- lute fascination. Kirk addresses her: KIRK Who is...'V'ger'...? "ILIA" V'ger is that which programmed me. KIRK Is V'ger the Captain of the alien vessel? 256A ANGLE ON THE DOOR - McCOY 256A rushing in, concerned: McCOY Jim, what's -- At the sight of 'Ilia", McCoy's words die in his throat -- and his trained eyes have instantly told him some- thing is awry. He unslings his tricorder, aims the sensor unit at "Ilia". As he reads his instruments, his face reveals the results (incredulity, fascination). Meanwhile, from the start: "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. McCOY (of "Ilia") Jim, this is a mechanism...! Kirk stares at McCoy, then at "Ilia" and realizes that "Ilia" is indeed non-human. And quickly: KIRK Where is Lt. Ilia? "ILIA" That unit no longer functions. I have been given its form to more readily communicate with the carbon-based units infesting Enterprise. SECURITY GUARD "Carbon-based units"...? McCOY (drily) Humans, Ensign Lang: us. (continues tricorder exam, increasingly impressed) KIRK (to "Ilia") Why does V'ger travel to the third planet of the solar system directly ahead? "ILIA" V'ger travels to the third planet to find the Creator. Stunned, disbelieving reactions as all four attempt to digest this -- Spock gazing at "Ilia" with even more rapt fascination. Kirk, bewildered, addresses the others: KIRK Find the Creator? What Creator? Whose...!? (to "Ilia") What does V'ger want of the 'Creator'... ? "ILIA" To join with him. 256B FAVORING SPOCK 256B suddenly alert, addressing "Ilia": SPOCK Join with the Creator... ? How? "ILIA" V'ger and the Creator will become One. SPOCK Who is the Creator? McCOY (worried) Mr. Spock, be careful. "ILIA" The Creator is that which created V'ger. KIRK Who is V'ger? "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. Another moment of total exasperation, frustration, during which "Ilia" seems to be waiting politely, patiently for any further questions. When none are forthcoming: "ILIA" (continuing; pleasant, bland) I am ready to commence my observations. SPOCK (fast; to McCoy) Doctor, a thorough examination of this probe might provide some insight into those who manufactured it, and how to deal with them. McCOY Let's get her to sickbay. And he grasps "Ilia's" arm to escort her. But is as though he has seized cast iron: immovable. McCoy is thrown off balance merely by 'Ilia's" remaining sta- tionary. She ignores McCoy, addresses Kirk: "ILIA" I am programmed to observe and record normal functioning procedures of the carbon-based units. 256B Kirk glances at McCoy, who is totally bemused, but then 256B Kirk quickly responds to "Ilia": KIRK The examination is a normal function. "ILIA" (a beat) You may proceede. McCOY (carefully) Thank you. 257 CLOSE SHOT OF EXAMINING ROOM VIEWER (O) 257 scanning a "body". PULL BACK TO SHOW McCoy, Chapel, Kirk, Spock and Chekov -- standing over "ILIA" who lies prone on the table, the physicians moving the scanner over her. McCOY (from the start; indicating) ... micro-miniature hydraulics, sensors, molecule-sized multi- processor chips... and look at this... In the b.g., Decker enters, grimly observes the proceed- ings. CHAPEL (impressed) An osmotic micro-pump... here and here. Even the smallest body functions are exactly duplicated. (traces with finger on screen) And every exocrine system is here, too -- Chapel breaks off abruptly, noticing "Ilia" is peering intently -- almost with a glimmer of recognition -- at Decker. Slightly disconcerted, Chapel continues: CHAPEL (continuing) -- even eye moisture. "ILIA" (peering at Decker) Deck -- er. 257A FAVORING SPOCK 257A as everyone reacts to "Ilia's" utterance of Decker's name. It seems to make the deepest impression on Spock, confirming something he has suspected. SPOCK (to "Ilia") Interesting. Not 'Decker-unit'? "Ilia" continues peering at Decker with just a hint of a puzzled frown, a glimmer of distant recognition. It's the first time we've seen her expression look anything but cool and bland. This results in the quizzical rising of one of Spock's eyebrows. 258 ANOTHER ANGLE 258 McCoy's examination now turns "Ilia" away from the others. Spock quickly catches Kirk's and Decker's attention, indicates an adjoining door -- they fol- low him out of the room. 259 INT. McCOY'S OFFICE 259 as Kirk, Spock and Decker enter, the door snapping shut -- and Spock touching the electronic lock to secure them. He faces the others: SPOCK Captain... this probe may be a key a key to the Aliens. DECKER It's a programmed mechanism, Mr. Spock... SPOCK We have just seen that its body duplicates our navigator in precise detail. Suppose that beneath its programming, the real Ilia's memory patterns are duplicated with equal precision. KIRK They had a pattern to follow... SPOCK (nods) ... they may have followed it too precisely. KIRK (comprehending) Ilia's memory, her feelings of loyalty, friendship, obedience... might all be there. 259A ANGLE ON DECKER 259A also comprehending, and not liking it one bit as Spock and Kirk are both turning their attention to him. SPOCK Exactly. (to Decker) And you did have a 'relationship' with Lieutenant Ilia, Commander. DECKER That probe in there -- in a different form now -- is the same thing that killed Ilia! KIRK Commander, we're locked in an alien vessel, six hours from Earth orbit, our only contact with our captors is the probe. If we can control it, persuade it, use it in some way... Interrupted by the SOUND of someone trying to open the locked door behind them. Then a METAL RIPPING SOUND as they whirl to see: 260 MEDICAL OFFICE DOOR 260 with the METAL BUCKLING, TEARING -- and a single hand slicing the steel door like paper. It is the "Ilia" probe, her face absolutely impassive, her whole manner incongruously benign. (Behind her, a startled McCoy, Chapel and Chekov.) "Ilia" speaks flatly, blandly. "ILIA" I have recorded enough here. (motions to Kirk) You will now assist me further. Kirk exchanges a quick glance with Spock. Then: KIRK (indicating Decker) The Decker-unit can assist you with much greater efficiency... "Ilia" has seemed about to object -- but now her eyes hold on Decker. Then she nods. KIRK (continuing) Carry on with your assignment, Mr. Decker. 260A ANOTHER ANGLE - ACROSS DECKER TO THE SMASHED DOOR 260A (AND "ILIA") as Decker looks at "Ilia" who stands at the torn door. You can read Decker's mind: I'm supposed to persuade that?! He turns back, finds Kirk's eyes on him. Decker nods. DECKER Aye, sir. "Ilia" and a reluctant Decker EXIT. 260B EMPHASIZING SPOCK 260B looking very troubled as they watch Decker and "Ilia" leave. Kirk notices. KIRK Spock? Concerned about his chances? SPOCK I am uneasy with that being our only hope of more information. Spock EXITS. 261 INT. V'GER - THE ENTERPRISE 261 floating in the vast, eerie, alien chamber -- sporadic FLASHES OF ENERGY, erupting now and then. Various other EFFECTS. OVER this, Kirk's VOICE: KIRK (V.O.) Captain's Log. Stardate 7414.1. Our best estimates place us some four hours from Earth. No significant Ilia memory patterns within the alien probe. This remains our only means of contact with our captor. 262 INT. ENTERPRISE AIRLOCK AREA 262 The area dimly lit -- unoccupied but for a lone AIRLOCK TECHNICIAN checking and adjusting instruments. The CAMERA MOVES PAST him to FIND: 263 SPOCK 263 His face fixed with grim determination, walking quietly with obvious intent not to attract the Tech's attention. Now he steals up behind the TECH -- and in an instant has applied a Vulcan nerve pinch. The Tech slumps over his console. 264 INT KIRK'S CABIN - VIEWER MONITOR 264 Showing a CLOSE SHOT of ENTERPRISE PICTURES, then PULL BACK SLIGHTLY for an IMAGE of Decker and "Ilia" walk- ing through the Rec Deck. PULL BACK FURTHER TO SHOW Kirk watching this -- and with him is McCoy. They continue watching a troubled beat, as: DECKER (of pictures) All these vessels were called "Enterprise". "Ilia" is giving the pictures a very interested look as we HEAR in Kirk's cabin: UHURA'S INTERCOM VOICE (controlled excitement) Bridge to Captain... 265 OMITTED 265 266 INT. BRIDGE - UHURA'S STATION (SCIENCE STATION IN 266 B.G.) Uhura at her console, struggling to hear the signal. KIRK'S INTERCOM VOICE Kirk here. In the b.g., Spock's station a MAINTENANCE TEAM is replacing the broken Science Station computer. (Spock is conspicuously absent.) UHURA A faint signal from Starfleet, sir. They have the intruder on their monitors... (struggling to hear) They show us... three hours... twenty-four minutes from Earth! KIRK'S VOICE (thru intercom) Thank you. 267 INT. RECREATION DECK 267 Decker and "Ilia", the Rec Deck unoccupied but for a pair of wary SECURITY GUARDS at a very discreet dis- tance. They are near the pictures of the five Enter- prises, which should be FEATURED in this SHOT, as Decker waves his hand about the huge room. DECKER The carbon units use this area for recreation... (carefully) What type of recreation does the crew aboard your vessel enjoy...? 268 CLOSER TWO SHOT (PICTURES O.S.) 268 As "Ilia" moves on into the room, Decker follows: "ILIA" The words 'recreation' and 'enjoy' have no meaning to my programming. Decker peers at the lovely android with frustration -- and no little pain, for she is after all the exact replica of Ilia. She pays not the slightest attention to Decker's reaction, and begins walking about the Rec Deck taking in (and, clearly, transmitting all images to V'ger) the sights. They are near a game area (elec- tronic games), and now Decker points to one game, switches it on -- presses button to activate its LIGHTS and SOUNDS. "Ilia" watches interestedly as Decker operates the game. DECKER Ilia 'enjoyed' this game... she nearly always won -- And he demonstrates again, as "Ilia" steps to the device, deftly hits some buttons -- and for just an instant she turns to Decker with a momentary glimmer of recognition. 269 INT. KIRK'S CABIN - GROUP WATCHING THE MONITOR 269 McCoy watching with special interest: McCOY (approving) Good! He's using audial-visual association. But the words are not out of McCoy's mouth when "Ilia" says: "ILIA" This device serves no purpose. She steps away from the game; Decker's disappointment is evident. So is everyone elses. KIRK Damn...! McCOY (nods grimly) She needs something else: something much more personal to stimulate memory patterns. Something with a more emotional tie. Kirk reacts to this, reflective. 270 INT. REC DECK FULL ON DECKER AND "ILIA" 270 Decker waving back toward the general area of the Enterprise pictures. DECKER The crews of the previous Enterprises were also carbon units. In what way is the life form in your vessel different? "ILIA" Carbon units are not true life forms... Do those images repre- sent how Enterprise has evolved into its present form? DECKER (hoping he's struck a responsive chord) Yes. "ILIA" Carbon units have clearly retarded Enterprise's proper evolvement. DECKER (controlling surprise) What is Enterprise's proper evolvement? "ILIA" Enterprise should not require the presence of carbon units. And with this she moves off, observing other Rec Deck objects. Decker moves with her; then: DECKER (carefully) Enterprise would be unable to function without carbon units. "ILIA" More data concerning this functioning is necessary before carbon units can be patterned for data storage. 271 ACROSS "ILIA" TO DECKER 271 as he reacts to this ominous note; he stops abruptly. DECKER What does that mean? "ILIA" (stopping; almost pleasantly) When my examination is complete, the carbon units will be reduced to data patterns. This has been delivered with chilling blandness, and she stands facing Decker, almost as though waiting for him to thank her. He thinks fast now. DECKER Within you are memory patterns of a carbon unit. If I can help you revive these patterns; you could understand our functions better. "ILIA" That is logical. You may procede. 272 ON DECKER 272 realizing the difficult task ahead; the pain he will suffer. 273 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE (M) 273 The ship stationary in the chamber as now we SEE an exterior hatch sliding fully open. Up through the hatch a circular airlock door opens -- and a tiny figure in a thruster spacesuit emerges, steps into space, slowly floats down through the hatch and under the Enterprise saucer section. In this and subsequent VIEWS we will SEE that on the rear pack of his thruster spacesuit is a FLASHING STROBE LIGHT which regularly EMITS the identifying SIGNAL of this particular suit. (By which Kirk will be able to see Spock's position even from several miles away.) 274 CLOSER ON THE SPACESUITED FIGURE (M) 274 MOVING TOWARD the CAMERA until the features behind the face mask are clearly identifiable: Spock, his face set in the same grim, determined expression, as he touches his spacesuit transmitter control. SPOCK Computer, commence recording. Captain Kirk -- this message will detail my attempt to contact the aliens... 275 INT. BRIDGE 275 Kirk ENTERING, crossing Uhura as she calls: UHURA Starfleet signals, sir, growing in strength... (listening intently) They -- have Intruder on their monitors -- it's decelerating -- powerfield cloud beginning to dissipate... SULU Confirm, Captain. Lunar beacons indicate Intruder on a course into Earth orbit... CHEKOV (interrupting) Sir! Airlock four has been opened; a thruster suit is reported missing! KIRK (reacts knowingly) Spock...! (to navigator) Get a fix on his position! 276 INT. V'GER - MED. ON SPOCK 276 His features now set into an almost trance-like expres- sion as he concentrates on the thought emanations. Then we SEE his head turn, he peers off -- then he moves his thruster controls. We SEE the small blue jets of his thrusters -- his spacesuit figure begins to move off in the direction he was concentrating upon. 277 ANOTHER ANGLE - SPOCK 277 His thrusters moving him across V'ger's vast chamber then dropping down into a deep "trough"-like area which stretches into the distance ahead of him. A cloud of CRYSTAL FORMS (Kirk's entrapment) become visible to one side but Spock passes them at some dis- tance and does not attract them. We can SEE more clearly now the point on the inner wall of the trough toward which Spock is heading. It is an unusual combination of GLOWING FORCEFIELDS which seem to mark this point of the vessel as of some importance. (Here, also, we will become aware of "sensor-bee" swarms, intermittently darting toward this same wall from all points of the chamber.) 278 INT. AIRLOCK AREA 278 SHOWING Kirk in a thruster spacesuit, helmet being readied by AIRLOCK TECHNICIANS. McCoy is also here, arguing with Kirk: KIRK (from the start) ... I don't want him stopped, Bones; I want him to lead me to whatever's out there...! McCOY And if that 'whatever' has taken over his mind....? KIRK Then he'll have still led me to it, won't he? And Kirk steps into the airlock door, hits a control -- it begins sliding closed behind him. 279 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE 279 UP THROUGH the circular airlock door as it slides open -- and Kirk's tiny spacesuited figure floats down clear of the saucer. 280 CLOSER ON KIRK 280 SEEING his face through the spacesuit faceplate as he scans the darkness. SULU'S VOICE Bridge, Captain. We make Spock as 26 Mark 345 degrees off ship's axis. During which, Kirk spots something. 281 KIRK'S POV 281 Spock's STROBE blinker at a mile or so distance, nearing

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ENERGY BOLT which instantly envelopes First Security Man in a PURPLE GLOW (of implosion). Second Security Man has almost lifted his phaser -- but now carefully, slowly is moving his hand away from his weapon. 210 CLOSER - THE SECURITY MEN (O) 210 PURPLE GLOW FADES, the First Security Man has simply vanished. 210A FULL SHOT - BRIDGE 210A Chekov, like the others, horrified, flips a switch and the COMPUTER-VOICE ("Intruder Alert") goes OFF. At the same time Chekov speaks into his intercom: CHEKOV Security... do not send further teams! The Probe is sending out snake-like tendrils to the various consoles on the bridge. These tendrils lash out in a cobra-strike movement, the tendril-head seeming to enter into the console affected -- at which time all monitors and instrument lights there come ON as if the Probe is "reading" each console function. The crew carefully stays clear of the tendrils. Spock has risen, moving to Kirk's side as he slowly brings his tricorder up, very carefully extracting its tiny sensor and aiming it at the probe. CHEKOV (shaken) No intruder readings on other decks, Captain... (to Spock) Can that be one of their crew? SPOCK (quiet) A probe from their vessel... (to Kirk) A plasma-energy combination... Meanwhile, the probe is now hovering near Chekov who sits frozen, fists clenched, jaw tight. DECKER Don't interfere with it...! CHEKOV Absolutely, I will not interfere! 210B ANGLE INCLUDING SPOCK'S CONSOLE (O) 210B as the "probe" withdraws an energy-tendril from one bridge station and "inserts" it into another console. KIRK No one interfere...! It doesn't seem interested in us -- only the ship...! Kirk's words are never completed as suddenly all the energy tendrils withdraw from all consoles and a larger, more powerful-looking tendril lashes out, snaking into the science console complex. 210C CLOSER ON SCIENCE CONSOLE 210C Where, also immediately, all the console and computer lights are suddenly flashing wildly, rapidly -- -- There is an incredibly fast EXCHANGE OF HIGH-PITCHED BEES -- the computer obviously in unauthorized commu- nication with the probe! KIRK Computer off! DECKER It's taken control of the computer...! KIRK It's running our records! Starfleet strength, Earth defenses... As Decker moves to the main power control, Spock now steps in, his Vulcan strength easily brushing Kirk and Decker aside. Spock clasps his fists above his head, brings it down in a SHATTERING BLOW on the console. It splits open! As the bridge lights dim even more, and as the science console shorts itself out -- and off, Decker confronts Spock: DECKER We could have cut it off at the main computer... SPOCK This served the purpose. Kirk has been giving Spock a puzzled look -- Spock now turns abruptly, and: 210D ANOTHER ANGLE (O) 210D as Spock, in stepping back, accidentally brushes the probe's energy tendril -- a FLASH OF LIGHT at the contact point sends Spock sinning under the rail and to the floor near Ilia. The probe's energy-tendril has withdrawn from the darkened science console, hov- ers high over the dazed Spock as if angrily seeking the reason for the break in its computer contact. Spock starts to rise. ILIA Mr. Spock, don't move...! Decker steps toward her, AD LIBBING a grim "Ilia...!" But he has no chance as: 211 OMITTED 211 - - 219 219 220 CLOSER ON ILIA (O) 220 The Probe hovers over her, its whole mass seemingly about to envelope her with a single tendril extended toward her, somehow freezing her into immobility - and then the entire Probe DISSOLVES IN A BLINDING FLASH OF WHITE, obscuring Ilia. Almost instantly the WHITE FLASH FADES -- but Ilia has vanished -- her tricorder clattering to the deck. 221 OMITTED 221 222 ACROSS THE NAVIGATOR'S STATION TO KIRK AND DECKER 222 helpless, shocked, gazing at the place Ilia was -- but which is now empty. DECKER (to Kirk, quiet fury) This is how I define unwarranted! And almost at the same moment a new BRIDGE ALARM SIGNAL. 223 OMITTED 223 - - 232 232 233 The ALARM still sounding as from the giant alien ves- 233 sel, we SEE STRANGE, OPAQUE ENERGY PATTERNS STREAKING TOWARD US. Kirk vaults to the command chair, lunges for controls, as Decker races to the weapons-defense console. DECKER (voice amplified) The ship is under attack...! Man all defensive stations...! KIRK Forcefields, full remaining strength...! Total reserve! Appropriate ALARM KLAXONS, and COMPUTER VOICES begin SOUNDING, and all this is lost in a SUDDEN SHRILLING SOUND (a constant, high-pitched tone). For a moment the energy patterns are prominent on the viewer -- and then the PATTERNS VANISHED and the SHRILL SOUND FADES -- and: 234 FAVOR THE VIEWER (O) 234 showing V'ger GROWING RAPIDLY IN SIZE. The Enterprise is being pulled along the length of the big ship, toward its "prow." SPOCK Captain, we have been seized by a tractor beam...! KIRK (to Decker) Get someone up here to take the Navigator's station...! (into intercom) Engineering... full emergency power! DECKER (into intercom) Chief Difalco to the bridge; on the double! 234A ENGINEERING 234A in a state of controlled chaos, all personnel at their stations, the Engine CORE GLOWING. Scott is working his controls, speaking into the intercom: SCOTT Going to full emergency... (studying readings) But Captain, if we don't break free in fifteen seconds, she'll burn up... 234B INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING SPOCK 234B as Spock studies his readings, and: SPOCK We cannot break free, Captain. (indicates monitors) We do not have a fraction of the power necessary. KIRK (into intercom) Delay that order, Scotty...! Disengage all main drive systems! Spock peers in deep concentration at the Main Viewer, trying to sense some clue. Kirk glances at him another moment, then turns to the Main Viewer himself, watches in frustrated helplessness. 235 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE BEING PULLED TOWARD V'GER (S) 235 the starship being pulled toward the giant as though on a taut cable. As we MOVE CLOSER, we SEE still more intricate details of the incredible Alien design. 236 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 236 as Difalco arrives on the run, and Decker AD LIBS to her, "Assume Navigator's station, Chief...!" Difalco, bewildered, wants to ask what happened, but no time, and she quickly sits at the post, begins orienting herself. Meanwhile, Decker has begun an Executive Officer's bridge circuit, assisting with various con- soles. Kirk is glancing toward Spock who continues concentrating on the Viewer, striving to comprehend the myriad of thoughts he is sensing from he Aliens. McCoy also arrives on the bridge, takes in the chaotic scene, watches the Viewer grimly. 237 OMITTED 237 - - 238 238 239 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER (S) 239 At the forward end of the giant, an odd-shapped "iris" begins opening menacingly. And it is frighteningly obvious that the tractor beam is pulling the Enterprise to the opening. 240 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 240 showing the unusual "iris" now almost fully open as Enterprise is drawn closer, closer -- through the "iris" we now SEE (some of) V'ger's interior: a dark void relieved only by strange flickering glows of dis- tant ENERGY FIELD PATTERNS. The crew reacts with understandable awe, apprehension, curiosity, as: DECKER Captain, suggest a maximum phaser strike directly at the beam might weaken it just enough for us to break free -- Spock replies for Kirk: quickly, as though to make his point convincingly: SPOCK Break free to where, Commander...? (to Kirk) Any show of resistance would not only be futile, Catain... 240XA ACROSS SPOCK TO KIRK (DECKER AND McCOY IN B.G.) 240XA as Kirk reacts somewhat curiously to Spock's remark, but it is Decker who articulates it: DECKER (troubled; suspicious) We don't know that, Mr. Spock. Why are you opposed to trying? Before Spock can reply: UHURA They're pulling us inside...! All face the Viewer again, react, with McCoy who has been observing all these reactions now galvanized into action: McCOY (to Chekov) Medical observers to all decks! And he hurries toward the elevators, CAMERA WITH HIM a moment, then SWINGING BACK TO: 240A PAST KIRK TO VIEWER (O) 240A Kirk staring at the viewer -- the "iris" now fully open so that the exterior of V'ger is no longer visible -- and all we can SEE is the monstrous void dead ahead, which is looming faster and larger before our eyes. And now we are inside. 241 OMITTED 241 - - 243 243 244 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER - AT THE "IRIS" (S) 244 Enterprise now being pulled past the opening -- into the ship proper. Now we can SEE that the dark void is actually a vast chamber, dimly and intermittently lit by POWERFIELDS appearing and vanishing along the vessel's inner walls, which are miles away in the distance. And here and there in the chamber gigantic ENERGY DISPLAYS erupt briefly with a certain symmetry that suggests they must be part of V'ger's ower or control systems. 245 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 245 Kirk peering awed at the Viewer, the incredible sight of the chamber -- suddenly glances up to see that Spock is standing beside him -- Decker nearby, turns to Spock: DECKER (to Spock) Why bring us inside? Not to destroy us; they could have done that outside. KIRK They could have many ways of destroying things, Mr. Decker. SPOCK (peering at Viewer) Something about us puzzles them... perhaps even concerns them. 245A ANGLE ON UHURA 245A Reacting to a console reading: UHURA Captain, photic-sonar readings indicate the aperture is closing; we're trapped, sir...! 246 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE ENTERING V'GER (S) 246 The starship is pulled inside, the "iris" is closing behind it. 247 INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING THE VIEWER (O) 247 The viewer image changing from the huge dark chamber, rear angle shot, showing the "iris" closing. SULU Reverse angle on the viewer, Captain. On the viewer the final glimmer from exterior space as the "iris" closes completely. 248 REACTIONS 248 All eyes on the viewer, CAMERA FINDING ONE FACE AFTER ANOTHER, the reality of the situation etched into each face. Then: 248A FAVORING KIRK 248A As Spock turns from a reading: SPOCK The tractor beam has released us, Captain. DIFALCO Confirmed: Vessel is floating free. No forward momentum. KIRK Viewer ahead. SULU Viewer ahead, sir. 248B INSERT - MAIN VIEWER 248B Ahead, the cavernous interior of V'ger. 248C BACK TO SHOT 248C Kirk eying the main viewer -- Decker watching Kirk. KIRK Maneuvering thrusters, Mr. Sulu; ahead one third. (to Spock) Full sensor scan, Mr. Spock; they can't expect us not to look them over now! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters ahead, one third. SPOCK (manipulating controls) Commencing sensor scans. Kirk rises, goes to Spock's station. 249 INT. V'GER ENTRANCE CHAMBER - ENTERPRISE (S) 249 The Enterprise moving slowly forward in this vastness, its running lights merely specks of light, candles in the darkness. In the distance those occasional ERUPT- ING POWER DISPLAYS in distant locations, sizes, shapes and patterns. 250 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING MAIN VIEWER (O) 250 showing another persective of the above, and further away GLOWING ENERGY FIELDS dimly illuminating the alien ship's walls -- miles away. Strange semi--solid LIGHT SHAPES (some are "sensor-bee" swarms) traverse the dark- ness in random directions. But in the distance ahead, there seems to be an opening to another chamber. SULU (of Viewer) Something ahead, sir; looks like another area... (reacts) It's closing up...! Sulu is indicating what appears to be a lace-bulwark of POWERFIELD PATTERNS closing off the "chamber" in the distance ahead. Kirk, from the Science Station calls out: KIRK Hold station...! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters at station keeping... 251 ANGLE EMPHASIZING SPOCK 251 at his Science consoles, working rapidly, shifting from one set of controls to another. Now he hits a master control -- his console monitors FLASH, then go dark. SPOCK Captain... Spock brings a monitor IMAGE ON again, indicates a (Povill) pattern showing a line hitting something, then reversing direction. SPOCK (continuing) All scans are being reflected back, Captain. Our sensors are useless. 251A ACROSS THEM TO THE MAIN VIEWER 251A Kirk reacts with disappointment, indicates the main viewer. KIRK Have you been able to analyze any of this...? SPOCK (voice increasingly reverential) I believe the light flares to be energy fields -- undoubtedly part of the vessel's inner mechanism. A technology so incredibly sophisticated that I cannot -- COMPUTER VOICE (overlapping) Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert..! (continues) 252 OMITTED 252 - - 253 253 254 ANGLE ON CHEKOV 254 Reacting to a console reading: CHEKOV Deck four, Captain; Officers' Quarters...! KIRK (to Chekov) Have a security team meet me at Deck Four main elevator! A moment's reaction from all at this, Kirk hurrying toward elevator, calling: KIRK (continuing) Take the conn, Mr. Decker: Hold present position... (gesturing Spock to join him) Spock... And Spock rises, joins Kirk and they hurriedly exit, the CAMERA SWINGING BACK to Decker, his perplexed con- cern (because of Ilia). 254A INT. ILIA'S CABIN - THE SONIC SHOWER 254A Where we SEE, behind the translucent stall door, what is unmistakably the form of the NUDE FEMALE. 255 INT. ILIA'S CABIN - KIRK 255 entering, Spock slightly behind him - and one Security Guard. Kirk glances around the room, now glances at the shower area and reacts as he sees the NAKED FORM. The others react similarly, even Spock cannot help re- pressing an expression of surprise. A moment's uncer- tainty as Kirk peers at them, then he steps to the stall door, hesitates another instant -- then slides the door open. (NOTE: Arrange lighting for bizarre, mysterious effect.) Kirk's eyes cannot believe what he is seeing: 255A "ILIA" 255A standing in the sonic mist, naked but for a small multi-colored button embedded in her throat. As she looks at Kirk -- and the others -- the men peer back at her, speechless. "ILIA" I have been programmed by V'ger to observe and record normal functioning of the carbon-based units infesting USS ENTERPRISE. Kirk peers at her another nonplussed moment, then leans into the shower to touch a control, his eyes fixed on the lovely body behind the mist. He punches in a three digit code. Immediately a HUMMING SOUND emanates from the shower stall, Kirk closing the door, but 'Ilia" remaining inside. 256 ACROSS KIRK AND THE OTHERS TO THE SHOWER STALL 256 The HUMMING SOUND just now reaching a gentle crescendo -- through the translucent door you can see COLORS ENVELOPING "ILIA'S" FORM. And now the SOUND STOPS. "Ilia", attired in a leisure robe, steps from the stall, into the room. She stands facing Kirk, her face impas- sive, eyes unblinking. He looks her back a moment, then glances at Spock, who is gazing at "Ilia" in abso- lute fascination. Kirk addresses her: KIRK Who is...'V'ger'...? "ILIA" V'ger is that which programmed me. KIRK Is V'ger the Captain of the alien vessel? 256A ANGLE ON THE DOOR - McCOY 256A rushing in, concerned: McCOY Jim, what's -- At the sight of 'Ilia", McCoy's words die in his throat -- and his trained eyes have instantly told him some- thing is awry. He unslings his tricorder, aims the sensor unit at "Ilia". As he reads his instruments, his face reveals the results (incredulity, fascination). Meanwhile, from the start: "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. McCOY (of "Ilia") Jim, this is a mechanism...! Kirk stares at McCoy, then at "Ilia" and realizes that "Ilia" is indeed non-human. And quickly: KIRK Where is Lt. Ilia? "ILIA" That unit no longer functions. I have been given its form to more readily communicate with the carbon-based units infesting Enterprise. SECURITY GUARD "Carbon-based units"...? McCOY (drily) Humans, Ensign Lang: us. (continues tricorder exam, increasingly impressed) KIRK (to "Ilia") Why does V'ger travel to the third planet of the solar system directly ahead? "ILIA" V'ger travels to the third planet to find the Creator. Stunned, disbelieving reactions as all four attempt to digest this -- Spock gazing at "Ilia" with even more rapt fascination. Kirk, bewildered, addresses the others: KIRK Find the Creator? What Creator? Whose...!? (to "Ilia") What does V'ger want of the 'Creator'... ? "ILIA" To join with him. 256B FAVORING SPOCK 256B suddenly alert, addressing "Ilia": SPOCK Join with the Creator... ? How? "ILIA" V'ger and the Creator will become One. SPOCK Who is the Creator? McCOY (worried) Mr. Spock, be careful. "ILIA" The Creator is that which created V'ger. KIRK Who is V'ger? "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. Another moment of total exasperation, frustration, during which "Ilia" seems to be waiting politely, patiently for any further questions. When none are forthcoming: "ILIA" (continuing; pleasant, bland) I am ready to commence my observations. SPOCK (fast; to McCoy) Doctor, a thorough examination of this probe might provide some insight into those who manufactured it, and how to deal with them. McCOY Let's get her to sickbay. And he grasps "Ilia's" arm to escort her. But is as though he has seized cast iron: immovable. McCoy is thrown off balance merely by 'Ilia's" remaining sta- tionary. She ignores McCoy, addresses Kirk: "ILIA" I am programmed to observe and record normal functioning procedures of the carbon-based units. 256B Kirk glances at McCoy, who is totally bemused, but then 256B Kirk quickly responds to "Ilia": KIRK The examination is a normal function. "ILIA" (a beat) You may proceede. McCOY (carefully) Thank you. 257 CLOSE SHOT OF EXAMINING ROOM VIEWER (O) 257 scanning a "body". PULL BACK TO SHOW McCoy, Chapel, Kirk, Spock and Chekov -- standing over "ILIA" who lies prone on the table, the physicians moving the scanner over her. McCOY (from the start; indicating) ... micro-miniature hydraulics, sensors, molecule-sized multi- processor chips... and look at this... In the b.g., Decker enters, grimly observes the proceed- ings. CHAPEL (impressed) An osmotic micro-pump... here and here. Even the smallest body functions are exactly duplicated. (traces with finger on screen) And every exocrine system is here, too -- Chapel breaks off abruptly, noticing "Ilia" is peering intently -- almost with a glimmer of recognition -- at Decker. Slightly disconcerted, Chapel continues: CHAPEL (continuing) -- even eye moisture. "ILIA" (peering at Decker) Deck -- er. 257A FAVORING SPOCK 257A as everyone reacts to "Ilia's" utterance of Decker's name. It seems to make the deepest impression on Spock, confirming something he has suspected. SPOCK (to "Ilia") Interesting. Not 'Decker-unit'? "Ilia" continues peering at Decker with just a hint of a puzzled frown, a glimmer of distant recognition. It's the first time we've seen her expression look anything but cool and bland. This results in the quizzical rising of one of Spock's eyebrows. 258 ANOTHER ANGLE 258 McCoy's examination now turns "Ilia" away from the others. Spock quickly catches Kirk's and Decker's attention, indicates an adjoining door -- they fol- low him out of the room. 259 INT. McCOY'S OFFICE 259 as Kirk, Spock and Decker enter, the door snapping shut -- and Spock touching the electronic lock to secure them. He faces the others: SPOCK Captain... this probe may be a key a key to the Aliens. DECKER It's a programmed mechanism, Mr. Spock... SPOCK We have just seen that its body duplicates our navigator in precise detail. Suppose that beneath its programming, the real Ilia's memory patterns are duplicated with equal precision. KIRK They had a pattern to follow... SPOCK (nods) ... they may have followed it too precisely. KIRK (comprehending) Ilia's memory, her feelings of loyalty, friendship, obedience... might all be there. 259A ANGLE ON DECKER 259A also comprehending, and not liking it one bit as Spock and Kirk are both turning their attention to him. SPOCK Exactly. (to Decker) And you did have a 'relationship' with Lieutenant Ilia, Commander. DECKER That probe in there -- in a different form now -- is the same thing that killed Ilia! KIRK Commander, we're locked in an alien vessel, six hours from Earth orbit, our only contact with our captors is the probe. If we can control it, persuade it, use it in some way... Interrupted by the SOUND of someone trying to open the locked door behind them. Then a METAL RIPPING SOUND as they whirl to see: 260 MEDICAL OFFICE DOOR 260 with the METAL BUCKLING, TEARING -- and a single hand slicing the steel door like paper. It is the "Ilia" probe, her face absolutely impassive, her whole manner incongruously benign. (Behind her, a startled McCoy, Chapel and Chekov.) "Ilia" speaks flatly, blandly. "ILIA" I have recorded enough here. (motions to Kirk) You will now assist me further. Kirk exchanges a quick glance with Spock. Then: KIRK (indicating Decker) The Decker-unit can assist you with much greater efficiency... "Ilia" has seemed about to object -- but now her eyes hold on Decker. Then she nods. KIRK (continuing) Carry on with your assignment, Mr. Decker. 260A ANOTHER ANGLE - ACROSS DECKER TO THE SMASHED DOOR 260A (AND "ILIA") as Decker looks at "Ilia" who stands at the torn door. You can read Decker's mind: I'm supposed to persuade that?! He turns back, finds Kirk's eyes on him. Decker nods. DECKER Aye, sir. "Ilia" and a reluctant Decker EXIT. 260B EMPHASIZING SPOCK 260B looking very troubled as they watch Decker and "Ilia" leave. Kirk notices. KIRK Spock? Concerned about his chances? SPOCK I am uneasy with that being our only hope of more information. Spock EXITS. 261 INT. V'GER - THE ENTERPRISE 261 floating in the vast, eerie, alien chamber -- sporadic FLASHES OF ENERGY, erupting now and then. Various other EFFECTS. OVER this, Kirk's VOICE: KIRK (V.O.) Captain's Log. Stardate 7414.1. Our best estimates place us some four hours from Earth. No significant Ilia memory patterns within the alien probe. This remains our only means of contact with our captor. 262 INT. ENTERPRISE AIRLOCK AREA 262 The area dimly lit -- unoccupied but for a lone AIRLOCK TECHNICIAN checking and adjusting instruments. The CAMERA MOVES PAST him to FIND: 263 SPOCK 263 His face fixed with grim determination, walking quietly with obvious intent not to attract the Tech's attention. Now he steals up behind the TECH -- and in an instant has applied a Vulcan nerve pinch. The Tech slumps over his console. 264 INT KIRK'S CABIN - VIEWER MONITOR 264 Showing a CLOSE SHOT of ENTERPRISE PICTURES, then PULL BACK SLIGHTLY for an IMAGE of Decker and "Ilia" walk- ing through the Rec Deck. PULL BACK FURTHER TO SHOW Kirk watching this -- and with him is McCoy. They continue watching a troubled beat, as: DECKER (of pictures) All these vessels were called "Enterprise". "Ilia" is giving the pictures a very interested look as we HEAR in Kirk's cabin: UHURA'S INTERCOM VOICE (controlled excitement) Bridge to Captain... 265 OMITTED 265 266 INT. BRIDGE - UHURA'S STATION (SCIENCE STATION IN 266 B.G.) Uhura at her console, struggling to hear the signal. KIRK'S INTERCOM VOICE Kirk here. In the b.g., Spock's station a MAINTENANCE TEAM is replacing the broken Science Station computer. (Spock is conspicuously absent.) UHURA A faint signal from Starfleet, sir. They have the intruder on their monitors... (struggling to hear) They show us... three hours... twenty-four minutes from Earth! KIRK'S VOICE (thru intercom) Thank you. 267 INT. RECREATION DECK 267 Decker and "Ilia", the Rec Deck unoccupied but for a pair of wary SECURITY GUARDS at a very discreet dis- tance. They are near the pictures of the five Enter- prises, which should be FEATURED in this SHOT, as Decker waves his hand about the huge room. DECKER The carbon units use this area for recreation... (carefully) What type of recreation does the crew aboard your vessel enjoy...? 268 CLOSER TWO SHOT (PICTURES O.S.) 268 As "Ilia" moves on into the room, Decker follows: "ILIA" The words 'recreation' and 'enjoy' have no meaning to my programming. Decker peers at the lovely android with frustration -- and no little pain, for she is after all the exact replica of Ilia. She pays not the slightest attention to Decker's reaction, and begins walking about the Rec Deck taking in (and, clearly, transmitting all images to V'ger) the sights. They are near a game area (elec- tronic games), and now Decker points to one game, switches it on -- presses button to activate its LIGHTS and SOUNDS. "Ilia" watches interestedly as Decker operates the game. DECKER Ilia 'enjoyed' this game... she nearly always won -- And he demonstrates again, as "Ilia" steps to the device, deftly hits some buttons -- and for just an instant she turns to Decker with a momentary glimmer of recognition. 269 INT. KIRK'S CABIN - GROUP WATCHING THE MONITOR 269 McCoy watching with special interest: McCOY (approving) Good! He's using audial-visual association. But the words are not out of McCoy's mouth when "Ilia" says: "ILIA" This device serves no purpose. She steps away from the game; Decker's disappointment is evident. So is everyone elses. KIRK Damn...! McCOY (nods grimly) She needs something else: something much more personal to stimulate memory patterns. Something with a more emotional tie. Kirk reacts to this, reflective. 270 INT. REC DECK FULL ON DECKER AND "ILIA" 270 Decker waving back toward the general area of the Enterprise pictures. DECKER The crews of the previous Enterprises were also carbon units. In what way is the life form in your vessel different? "ILIA" Carbon units are not true life forms... Do those images repre- sent how Enterprise has evolved into its present form? DECKER (hoping he's struck a responsive chord) Yes. "ILIA" Carbon units have clearly retarded Enterprise's proper evolvement. DECKER (controlling surprise) What is Enterprise's proper evolvement? "ILIA" Enterprise should not require the presence of carbon units. And with this she moves off, observing other Rec Deck objects. Decker moves with her; then: DECKER (carefully) Enterprise would be unable to function without carbon units. "ILIA" More data concerning this functioning is necessary before carbon units can be patterned for data storage. 271 ACROSS "ILIA" TO DECKER 271 as he reacts to this ominous note; he stops abruptly. DECKER What does that mean? "ILIA" (stopping; almost pleasantly) When my examination is complete, the carbon units will be reduced to data patterns. This has been delivered with chilling blandness, and she stands facing Decker, almost as though waiting for him to thank her. He thinks fast now. DECKER Within you are memory patterns of a carbon unit. If I can help you revive these patterns; you could understand our functions better. "ILIA" That is logical. You may procede. 272 ON DECKER 272 realizing the difficult task ahead; the pain he will suffer. 273 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE (M) 273 The ship stationary in the chamber as now we SEE an exterior hatch sliding fully open. Up through the hatch a circular airlock door opens -- and a tiny figure in a thruster spacesuit emerges, steps into space, slowly floats down through the hatch and under the Enterprise saucer section. In this and subsequent VIEWS we will SEE that on the rear pack of his thruster spacesuit is a FLASHING STROBE LIGHT which regularly EMITS the identifying SIGNAL of this particular suit. (By which Kirk will be able to see Spock's position even from several miles away.) 274 CLOSER ON THE SPACESUITED FIGURE (M) 274 MOVING TOWARD the CAMERA until the features behind the face mask are clearly identifiable: Spock, his face set in the same grim, determined expression, as he touches his spacesuit transmitter control. SPOCK Computer, commence recording. Captain Kirk -- this message will detail my attempt to contact the aliens... 275 INT. BRIDGE 275 Kirk ENTERING, crossing Uhura as she calls: UHURA Starfleet signals, sir, growing in strength... (listening intently) They -- have Intruder on their monitors -- it's decelerating -- powerfield cloud beginning to dissipate... SULU Confirm, Captain. Lunar beacons indicate Intruder on a course into Earth orbit... CHEKOV (interrupting) Sir! Airlock four has been opened; a thruster suit is reported missing! KIRK (reacts knowingly) Spock...! (to navigator) Get a fix on his position! 276 INT. V'GER - MED. ON SPOCK 276 His features now set into an almost trance-like expres- sion as he concentrates on the thought emanations. Then we SEE his head turn, he peers off -- then he moves his thruster controls. We SEE the small blue jets of his thrusters -- his spacesuit figure begins to move off in the direction he was concentrating upon. 277 ANOTHER ANGLE - SPOCK 277 His thrusters moving him across V'ger's vast chamber then dropping down into a deep "trough"-like area which stretches into the distance ahead of him. A cloud of CRYSTAL FORMS (Kirk's entrapment) become visible to one side but Spock passes them at some dis- tance and does not attract them. We can SEE more clearly now the point on the inner wall of the trough toward which Spock is heading. It is an unusual combination of GLOWING FORCEFIELDS which seem to mark this point of the vessel as of some importance. (Here, also, we will become aware of "sensor-bee" swarms, intermittently darting toward this same wall from all points of the chamber.) 278 INT. AIRLOCK AREA 278 SHOWING Kirk in a thruster spacesuit, helmet being readied by AIRLOCK TECHNICIANS. McCoy is also here, arguing with Kirk: KIRK (from the start) ... I don't want him stopped, Bones; I want him to lead me to whatever's out there...! McCOY And if that 'whatever' has taken over his mind....? KIRK Then he'll have still led me to it, won't he? And Kirk steps into the airlock door, hits a control -- it begins sliding closed behind him. 279 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE 279 UP THROUGH the circular airlock door as it slides open -- and Kirk's tiny spacesuited figure floats down clear of the saucer. 280 CLOSER ON KIRK 280 SEEING his face through the spacesuit faceplate as he scans the darkness. SULU'S VOICE Bridge, Captain. We make Spock as 26 Mark 345 degrees off ship's axis. During which, Kirk spots something. 281 KIRK'S POV 281 Spock's STROBE blinker at a mile or so distance, nearing

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How many times the word 'forward' appears in the text?

ENERGY BOLT which instantly envelopes First Security Man in a PURPLE GLOW (of implosion). Second Security Man has almost lifted his phaser -- but now carefully, slowly is moving his hand away from his weapon. 210 CLOSER - THE SECURITY MEN (O) 210 PURPLE GLOW FADES, the First Security Man has simply vanished. 210A FULL SHOT - BRIDGE 210A Chekov, like the others, horrified, flips a switch and the COMPUTER-VOICE ("Intruder Alert") goes OFF. At the same time Chekov speaks into his intercom: CHEKOV Security... do not send further teams! The Probe is sending out snake-like tendrils to the various consoles on the bridge. These tendrils lash out in a cobra-strike movement, the tendril-head seeming to enter into the console affected -- at which time all monitors and instrument lights there come ON as if the Probe is "reading" each console function. The crew carefully stays clear of the tendrils. Spock has risen, moving to Kirk's side as he slowly brings his tricorder up, very carefully extracting its tiny sensor and aiming it at the probe. CHEKOV (shaken) No intruder readings on other decks, Captain... (to Spock) Can that be one of their crew? SPOCK (quiet) A probe from their vessel... (to Kirk) A plasma-energy combination... Meanwhile, the probe is now hovering near Chekov who sits frozen, fists clenched, jaw tight. DECKER Don't interfere with it...! CHEKOV Absolutely, I will not interfere! 210B ANGLE INCLUDING SPOCK'S CONSOLE (O) 210B as the "probe" withdraws an energy-tendril from one bridge station and "inserts" it into another console. KIRK No one interfere...! It doesn't seem interested in us -- only the ship...! Kirk's words are never completed as suddenly all the energy tendrils withdraw from all consoles and a larger, more powerful-looking tendril lashes out, snaking into the science console complex. 210C CLOSER ON SCIENCE CONSOLE 210C Where, also immediately, all the console and computer lights are suddenly flashing wildly, rapidly -- -- There is an incredibly fast EXCHANGE OF HIGH-PITCHED BEES -- the computer obviously in unauthorized commu- nication with the probe! KIRK Computer off! DECKER It's taken control of the computer...! KIRK It's running our records! Starfleet strength, Earth defenses... As Decker moves to the main power control, Spock now steps in, his Vulcan strength easily brushing Kirk and Decker aside. Spock clasps his fists above his head, brings it down in a SHATTERING BLOW on the console. It splits open! As the bridge lights dim even more, and as the science console shorts itself out -- and off, Decker confronts Spock: DECKER We could have cut it off at the main computer... SPOCK This served the purpose. Kirk has been giving Spock a puzzled look -- Spock now turns abruptly, and: 210D ANOTHER ANGLE (O) 210D as Spock, in stepping back, accidentally brushes the probe's energy tendril -- a FLASH OF LIGHT at the contact point sends Spock sinning under the rail and to the floor near Ilia. The probe's energy-tendril has withdrawn from the darkened science console, hov- ers high over the dazed Spock as if angrily seeking the reason for the break in its computer contact. Spock starts to rise. ILIA Mr. Spock, don't move...! Decker steps toward her, AD LIBBING a grim "Ilia...!" But he has no chance as: 211 OMITTED 211 - - 219 219 220 CLOSER ON ILIA (O) 220 The Probe hovers over her, its whole mass seemingly about to envelope her with a single tendril extended toward her, somehow freezing her into immobility - and then the entire Probe DISSOLVES IN A BLINDING FLASH OF WHITE, obscuring Ilia. Almost instantly the WHITE FLASH FADES -- but Ilia has vanished -- her tricorder clattering to the deck. 221 OMITTED 221 222 ACROSS THE NAVIGATOR'S STATION TO KIRK AND DECKER 222 helpless, shocked, gazing at the place Ilia was -- but which is now empty. DECKER (to Kirk, quiet fury) This is how I define unwarranted! And almost at the same moment a new BRIDGE ALARM SIGNAL. 223 OMITTED 223 - - 232 232 233 The ALARM still sounding as from the giant alien ves- 233 sel, we SEE STRANGE, OPAQUE ENERGY PATTERNS STREAKING TOWARD US. Kirk vaults to the command chair, lunges for controls, as Decker races to the weapons-defense console. DECKER (voice amplified) The ship is under attack...! Man all defensive stations...! KIRK Forcefields, full remaining strength...! Total reserve! Appropriate ALARM KLAXONS, and COMPUTER VOICES begin SOUNDING, and all this is lost in a SUDDEN SHRILLING SOUND (a constant, high-pitched tone). For a moment the energy patterns are prominent on the viewer -- and then the PATTERNS VANISHED and the SHRILL SOUND FADES -- and: 234 FAVOR THE VIEWER (O) 234 showing V'ger GROWING RAPIDLY IN SIZE. The Enterprise is being pulled along the length of the big ship, toward its "prow." SPOCK Captain, we have been seized by a tractor beam...! KIRK (to Decker) Get someone up here to take the Navigator's station...! (into intercom) Engineering... full emergency power! DECKER (into intercom) Chief Difalco to the bridge; on the double! 234A ENGINEERING 234A in a state of controlled chaos, all personnel at their stations, the Engine CORE GLOWING. Scott is working his controls, speaking into the intercom: SCOTT Going to full emergency... (studying readings) But Captain, if we don't break free in fifteen seconds, she'll burn up... 234B INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING SPOCK 234B as Spock studies his readings, and: SPOCK We cannot break free, Captain. (indicates monitors) We do not have a fraction of the power necessary. KIRK (into intercom) Delay that order, Scotty...! Disengage all main drive systems! Spock peers in deep concentration at the Main Viewer, trying to sense some clue. Kirk glances at him another moment, then turns to the Main Viewer himself, watches in frustrated helplessness. 235 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE BEING PULLED TOWARD V'GER (S) 235 the starship being pulled toward the giant as though on a taut cable. As we MOVE CLOSER, we SEE still more intricate details of the incredible Alien design. 236 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 236 as Difalco arrives on the run, and Decker AD LIBS to her, "Assume Navigator's station, Chief...!" Difalco, bewildered, wants to ask what happened, but no time, and she quickly sits at the post, begins orienting herself. Meanwhile, Decker has begun an Executive Officer's bridge circuit, assisting with various con- soles. Kirk is glancing toward Spock who continues concentrating on the Viewer, striving to comprehend the myriad of thoughts he is sensing from he Aliens. McCoy also arrives on the bridge, takes in the chaotic scene, watches the Viewer grimly. 237 OMITTED 237 - - 238 238 239 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER (S) 239 At the forward end of the giant, an odd-shapped "iris" begins opening menacingly. And it is frighteningly obvious that the tractor beam is pulling the Enterprise to the opening. 240 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 240 showing the unusual "iris" now almost fully open as Enterprise is drawn closer, closer -- through the "iris" we now SEE (some of) V'ger's interior: a dark void relieved only by strange flickering glows of dis- tant ENERGY FIELD PATTERNS. The crew reacts with understandable awe, apprehension, curiosity, as: DECKER Captain, suggest a maximum phaser strike directly at the beam might weaken it just enough for us to break free -- Spock replies for Kirk: quickly, as though to make his point convincingly: SPOCK Break free to where, Commander...? (to Kirk) Any show of resistance would not only be futile, Catain... 240XA ACROSS SPOCK TO KIRK (DECKER AND McCOY IN B.G.) 240XA as Kirk reacts somewhat curiously to Spock's remark, but it is Decker who articulates it: DECKER (troubled; suspicious) We don't know that, Mr. Spock. Why are you opposed to trying? Before Spock can reply: UHURA They're pulling us inside...! All face the Viewer again, react, with McCoy who has been observing all these reactions now galvanized into action: McCOY (to Chekov) Medical observers to all decks! And he hurries toward the elevators, CAMERA WITH HIM a moment, then SWINGING BACK TO: 240A PAST KIRK TO VIEWER (O) 240A Kirk staring at the viewer -- the "iris" now fully open so that the exterior of V'ger is no longer visible -- and all we can SEE is the monstrous void dead ahead, which is looming faster and larger before our eyes. And now we are inside. 241 OMITTED 241 - - 243 243 244 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER - AT THE "IRIS" (S) 244 Enterprise now being pulled past the opening -- into the ship proper. Now we can SEE that the dark void is actually a vast chamber, dimly and intermittently lit by POWERFIELDS appearing and vanishing along the vessel's inner walls, which are miles away in the distance. And here and there in the chamber gigantic ENERGY DISPLAYS erupt briefly with a certain symmetry that suggests they must be part of V'ger's ower or control systems. 245 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 245 Kirk peering awed at the Viewer, the incredible sight of the chamber -- suddenly glances up to see that Spock is standing beside him -- Decker nearby, turns to Spock: DECKER (to Spock) Why bring us inside? Not to destroy us; they could have done that outside. KIRK They could have many ways of destroying things, Mr. Decker. SPOCK (peering at Viewer) Something about us puzzles them... perhaps even concerns them. 245A ANGLE ON UHURA 245A Reacting to a console reading: UHURA Captain, photic-sonar readings indicate the aperture is closing; we're trapped, sir...! 246 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE ENTERING V'GER (S) 246 The starship is pulled inside, the "iris" is closing behind it. 247 INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING THE VIEWER (O) 247 The viewer image changing from the huge dark chamber, rear angle shot, showing the "iris" closing. SULU Reverse angle on the viewer, Captain. On the viewer the final glimmer from exterior space as the "iris" closes completely. 248 REACTIONS 248 All eyes on the viewer, CAMERA FINDING ONE FACE AFTER ANOTHER, the reality of the situation etched into each face. Then: 248A FAVORING KIRK 248A As Spock turns from a reading: SPOCK The tractor beam has released us, Captain. DIFALCO Confirmed: Vessel is floating free. No forward momentum. KIRK Viewer ahead. SULU Viewer ahead, sir. 248B INSERT - MAIN VIEWER 248B Ahead, the cavernous interior of V'ger. 248C BACK TO SHOT 248C Kirk eying the main viewer -- Decker watching Kirk. KIRK Maneuvering thrusters, Mr. Sulu; ahead one third. (to Spock) Full sensor scan, Mr. Spock; they can't expect us not to look them over now! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters ahead, one third. SPOCK (manipulating controls) Commencing sensor scans. Kirk rises, goes to Spock's station. 249 INT. V'GER ENTRANCE CHAMBER - ENTERPRISE (S) 249 The Enterprise moving slowly forward in this vastness, its running lights merely specks of light, candles in the darkness. In the distance those occasional ERUPT- ING POWER DISPLAYS in distant locations, sizes, shapes and patterns. 250 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING MAIN VIEWER (O) 250 showing another persective of the above, and further away GLOWING ENERGY FIELDS dimly illuminating the alien ship's walls -- miles away. Strange semi--solid LIGHT SHAPES (some are "sensor-bee" swarms) traverse the dark- ness in random directions. But in the distance ahead, there seems to be an opening to another chamber. SULU (of Viewer) Something ahead, sir; looks like another area... (reacts) It's closing up...! Sulu is indicating what appears to be a lace-bulwark of POWERFIELD PATTERNS closing off the "chamber" in the distance ahead. Kirk, from the Science Station calls out: KIRK Hold station...! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters at station keeping... 251 ANGLE EMPHASIZING SPOCK 251 at his Science consoles, working rapidly, shifting from one set of controls to another. Now he hits a master control -- his console monitors FLASH, then go dark. SPOCK Captain... Spock brings a monitor IMAGE ON again, indicates a (Povill) pattern showing a line hitting something, then reversing direction. SPOCK (continuing) All scans are being reflected back, Captain. Our sensors are useless. 251A ACROSS THEM TO THE MAIN VIEWER 251A Kirk reacts with disappointment, indicates the main viewer. KIRK Have you been able to analyze any of this...? SPOCK (voice increasingly reverential) I believe the light flares to be energy fields -- undoubtedly part of the vessel's inner mechanism. A technology so incredibly sophisticated that I cannot -- COMPUTER VOICE (overlapping) Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert..! (continues) 252 OMITTED 252 - - 253 253 254 ANGLE ON CHEKOV 254 Reacting to a console reading: CHEKOV Deck four, Captain; Officers' Quarters...! KIRK (to Chekov) Have a security team meet me at Deck Four main elevator! A moment's reaction from all at this, Kirk hurrying toward elevator, calling: KIRK (continuing) Take the conn, Mr. Decker: Hold present position... (gesturing Spock to join him) Spock... And Spock rises, joins Kirk and they hurriedly exit, the CAMERA SWINGING BACK to Decker, his perplexed con- cern (because of Ilia). 254A INT. ILIA'S CABIN - THE SONIC SHOWER 254A Where we SEE, behind the translucent stall door, what is unmistakably the form of the NUDE FEMALE. 255 INT. ILIA'S CABIN - KIRK 255 entering, Spock slightly behind him - and one Security Guard. Kirk glances around the room, now glances at the shower area and reacts as he sees the NAKED FORM. The others react similarly, even Spock cannot help re- pressing an expression of surprise. A moment's uncer- tainty as Kirk peers at them, then he steps to the stall door, hesitates another instant -- then slides the door open. (NOTE: Arrange lighting for bizarre, mysterious effect.) Kirk's eyes cannot believe what he is seeing: 255A "ILIA" 255A standing in the sonic mist, naked but for a small multi-colored button embedded in her throat. As she looks at Kirk -- and the others -- the men peer back at her, speechless. "ILIA" I have been programmed by V'ger to observe and record normal functioning of the carbon-based units infesting USS ENTERPRISE. Kirk peers at her another nonplussed moment, then leans into the shower to touch a control, his eyes fixed on the lovely body behind the mist. He punches in a three digit code. Immediately a HUMMING SOUND emanates from the shower stall, Kirk closing the door, but 'Ilia" remaining inside. 256 ACROSS KIRK AND THE OTHERS TO THE SHOWER STALL 256 The HUMMING SOUND just now reaching a gentle crescendo -- through the translucent door you can see COLORS ENVELOPING "ILIA'S" FORM. And now the SOUND STOPS. "Ilia", attired in a leisure robe, steps from the stall, into the room. She stands facing Kirk, her face impas- sive, eyes unblinking. He looks her back a moment, then glances at Spock, who is gazing at "Ilia" in abso- lute fascination. Kirk addresses her: KIRK Who is...'V'ger'...? "ILIA" V'ger is that which programmed me. KIRK Is V'ger the Captain of the alien vessel? 256A ANGLE ON THE DOOR - McCOY 256A rushing in, concerned: McCOY Jim, what's -- At the sight of 'Ilia", McCoy's words die in his throat -- and his trained eyes have instantly told him some- thing is awry. He unslings his tricorder, aims the sensor unit at "Ilia". As he reads his instruments, his face reveals the results (incredulity, fascination). Meanwhile, from the start: "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. McCOY (of "Ilia") Jim, this is a mechanism...! Kirk stares at McCoy, then at "Ilia" and realizes that "Ilia" is indeed non-human. And quickly: KIRK Where is Lt. Ilia? "ILIA" That unit no longer functions. I have been given its form to more readily communicate with the carbon-based units infesting Enterprise. SECURITY GUARD "Carbon-based units"...? McCOY (drily) Humans, Ensign Lang: us. (continues tricorder exam, increasingly impressed) KIRK (to "Ilia") Why does V'ger travel to the third planet of the solar system directly ahead? "ILIA" V'ger travels to the third planet to find the Creator. Stunned, disbelieving reactions as all four attempt to digest this -- Spock gazing at "Ilia" with even more rapt fascination. Kirk, bewildered, addresses the others: KIRK Find the Creator? What Creator? Whose...!? (to "Ilia") What does V'ger want of the 'Creator'... ? "ILIA" To join with him. 256B FAVORING SPOCK 256B suddenly alert, addressing "Ilia": SPOCK Join with the Creator... ? How? "ILIA" V'ger and the Creator will become One. SPOCK Who is the Creator? McCOY (worried) Mr. Spock, be careful. "ILIA" The Creator is that which created V'ger. KIRK Who is V'ger? "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. Another moment of total exasperation, frustration, during which "Ilia" seems to be waiting politely, patiently for any further questions. When none are forthcoming: "ILIA" (continuing; pleasant, bland) I am ready to commence my observations. SPOCK (fast; to McCoy) Doctor, a thorough examination of this probe might provide some insight into those who manufactured it, and how to deal with them. McCOY Let's get her to sickbay. And he grasps "Ilia's" arm to escort her. But is as though he has seized cast iron: immovable. McCoy is thrown off balance merely by 'Ilia's" remaining sta- tionary. She ignores McCoy, addresses Kirk: "ILIA" I am programmed to observe and record normal functioning procedures of the carbon-based units. 256B Kirk glances at McCoy, who is totally bemused, but then 256B Kirk quickly responds to "Ilia": KIRK The examination is a normal function. "ILIA" (a beat) You may proceede. McCOY (carefully) Thank you. 257 CLOSE SHOT OF EXAMINING ROOM VIEWER (O) 257 scanning a "body". PULL BACK TO SHOW McCoy, Chapel, Kirk, Spock and Chekov -- standing over "ILIA" who lies prone on the table, the physicians moving the scanner over her. McCOY (from the start; indicating) ... micro-miniature hydraulics, sensors, molecule-sized multi- processor chips... and look at this... In the b.g., Decker enters, grimly observes the proceed- ings. CHAPEL (impressed) An osmotic micro-pump... here and here. Even the smallest body functions are exactly duplicated. (traces with finger on screen) And every exocrine system is here, too -- Chapel breaks off abruptly, noticing "Ilia" is peering intently -- almost with a glimmer of recognition -- at Decker. Slightly disconcerted, Chapel continues: CHAPEL (continuing) -- even eye moisture. "ILIA" (peering at Decker) Deck -- er. 257A FAVORING SPOCK 257A as everyone reacts to "Ilia's" utterance of Decker's name. It seems to make the deepest impression on Spock, confirming something he has suspected. SPOCK (to "Ilia") Interesting. Not 'Decker-unit'? "Ilia" continues peering at Decker with just a hint of a puzzled frown, a glimmer of distant recognition. It's the first time we've seen her expression look anything but cool and bland. This results in the quizzical rising of one of Spock's eyebrows. 258 ANOTHER ANGLE 258 McCoy's examination now turns "Ilia" away from the others. Spock quickly catches Kirk's and Decker's attention, indicates an adjoining door -- they fol- low him out of the room. 259 INT. McCOY'S OFFICE 259 as Kirk, Spock and Decker enter, the door snapping shut -- and Spock touching the electronic lock to secure them. He faces the others: SPOCK Captain... this probe may be a key a key to the Aliens. DECKER It's a programmed mechanism, Mr. Spock... SPOCK We have just seen that its body duplicates our navigator in precise detail. Suppose that beneath its programming, the real Ilia's memory patterns are duplicated with equal precision. KIRK They had a pattern to follow... SPOCK (nods) ... they may have followed it too precisely. KIRK (comprehending) Ilia's memory, her feelings of loyalty, friendship, obedience... might all be there. 259A ANGLE ON DECKER 259A also comprehending, and not liking it one bit as Spock and Kirk are both turning their attention to him. SPOCK Exactly. (to Decker) And you did have a 'relationship' with Lieutenant Ilia, Commander. DECKER That probe in there -- in a different form now -- is the same thing that killed Ilia! KIRK Commander, we're locked in an alien vessel, six hours from Earth orbit, our only contact with our captors is the probe. If we can control it, persuade it, use it in some way... Interrupted by the SOUND of someone trying to open the locked door behind them. Then a METAL RIPPING SOUND as they whirl to see: 260 MEDICAL OFFICE DOOR 260 with the METAL BUCKLING, TEARING -- and a single hand slicing the steel door like paper. It is the "Ilia" probe, her face absolutely impassive, her whole manner incongruously benign. (Behind her, a startled McCoy, Chapel and Chekov.) "Ilia" speaks flatly, blandly. "ILIA" I have recorded enough here. (motions to Kirk) You will now assist me further. Kirk exchanges a quick glance with Spock. Then: KIRK (indicating Decker) The Decker-unit can assist you with much greater efficiency... "Ilia" has seemed about to object -- but now her eyes hold on Decker. Then she nods. KIRK (continuing) Carry on with your assignment, Mr. Decker. 260A ANOTHER ANGLE - ACROSS DECKER TO THE SMASHED DOOR 260A (AND "ILIA") as Decker looks at "Ilia" who stands at the torn door. You can read Decker's mind: I'm supposed to persuade that?! He turns back, finds Kirk's eyes on him. Decker nods. DECKER Aye, sir. "Ilia" and a reluctant Decker EXIT. 260B EMPHASIZING SPOCK 260B looking very troubled as they watch Decker and "Ilia" leave. Kirk notices. KIRK Spock? Concerned about his chances? SPOCK I am uneasy with that being our only hope of more information. Spock EXITS. 261 INT. V'GER - THE ENTERPRISE 261 floating in the vast, eerie, alien chamber -- sporadic FLASHES OF ENERGY, erupting now and then. Various other EFFECTS. OVER this, Kirk's VOICE: KIRK (V.O.) Captain's Log. Stardate 7414.1. Our best estimates place us some four hours from Earth. No significant Ilia memory patterns within the alien probe. This remains our only means of contact with our captor. 262 INT. ENTERPRISE AIRLOCK AREA 262 The area dimly lit -- unoccupied but for a lone AIRLOCK TECHNICIAN checking and adjusting instruments. The CAMERA MOVES PAST him to FIND: 263 SPOCK 263 His face fixed with grim determination, walking quietly with obvious intent not to attract the Tech's attention. Now he steals up behind the TECH -- and in an instant has applied a Vulcan nerve pinch. The Tech slumps over his console. 264 INT KIRK'S CABIN - VIEWER MONITOR 264 Showing a CLOSE SHOT of ENTERPRISE PICTURES, then PULL BACK SLIGHTLY for an IMAGE of Decker and "Ilia" walk- ing through the Rec Deck. PULL BACK FURTHER TO SHOW Kirk watching this -- and with him is McCoy. They continue watching a troubled beat, as: DECKER (of pictures) All these vessels were called "Enterprise". "Ilia" is giving the pictures a very interested look as we HEAR in Kirk's cabin: UHURA'S INTERCOM VOICE (controlled excitement) Bridge to Captain... 265 OMITTED 265 266 INT. BRIDGE - UHURA'S STATION (SCIENCE STATION IN 266 B.G.) Uhura at her console, struggling to hear the signal. KIRK'S INTERCOM VOICE Kirk here. In the b.g., Spock's station a MAINTENANCE TEAM is replacing the broken Science Station computer. (Spock is conspicuously absent.) UHURA A faint signal from Starfleet, sir. They have the intruder on their monitors... (struggling to hear) They show us... three hours... twenty-four minutes from Earth! KIRK'S VOICE (thru intercom) Thank you. 267 INT. RECREATION DECK 267 Decker and "Ilia", the Rec Deck unoccupied but for a pair of wary SECURITY GUARDS at a very discreet dis- tance. They are near the pictures of the five Enter- prises, which should be FEATURED in this SHOT, as Decker waves his hand about the huge room. DECKER The carbon units use this area for recreation... (carefully) What type of recreation does the crew aboard your vessel enjoy...? 268 CLOSER TWO SHOT (PICTURES O.S.) 268 As "Ilia" moves on into the room, Decker follows: "ILIA" The words 'recreation' and 'enjoy' have no meaning to my programming. Decker peers at the lovely android with frustration -- and no little pain, for she is after all the exact replica of Ilia. She pays not the slightest attention to Decker's reaction, and begins walking about the Rec Deck taking in (and, clearly, transmitting all images to V'ger) the sights. They are near a game area (elec- tronic games), and now Decker points to one game, switches it on -- presses button to activate its LIGHTS and SOUNDS. "Ilia" watches interestedly as Decker operates the game. DECKER Ilia 'enjoyed' this game... she nearly always won -- And he demonstrates again, as "Ilia" steps to the device, deftly hits some buttons -- and for just an instant she turns to Decker with a momentary glimmer of recognition. 269 INT. KIRK'S CABIN - GROUP WATCHING THE MONITOR 269 McCoy watching with special interest: McCOY (approving) Good! He's using audial-visual association. But the words are not out of McCoy's mouth when "Ilia" says: "ILIA" This device serves no purpose. She steps away from the game; Decker's disappointment is evident. So is everyone elses. KIRK Damn...! McCOY (nods grimly) She needs something else: something much more personal to stimulate memory patterns. Something with a more emotional tie. Kirk reacts to this, reflective. 270 INT. REC DECK FULL ON DECKER AND "ILIA" 270 Decker waving back toward the general area of the Enterprise pictures. DECKER The crews of the previous Enterprises were also carbon units. In what way is the life form in your vessel different? "ILIA" Carbon units are not true life forms... Do those images repre- sent how Enterprise has evolved into its present form? DECKER (hoping he's struck a responsive chord) Yes. "ILIA" Carbon units have clearly retarded Enterprise's proper evolvement. DECKER (controlling surprise) What is Enterprise's proper evolvement? "ILIA" Enterprise should not require the presence of carbon units. And with this she moves off, observing other Rec Deck objects. Decker moves with her; then: DECKER (carefully) Enterprise would be unable to function without carbon units. "ILIA" More data concerning this functioning is necessary before carbon units can be patterned for data storage. 271 ACROSS "ILIA" TO DECKER 271 as he reacts to this ominous note; he stops abruptly. DECKER What does that mean? "ILIA" (stopping; almost pleasantly) When my examination is complete, the carbon units will be reduced to data patterns. This has been delivered with chilling blandness, and she stands facing Decker, almost as though waiting for him to thank her. He thinks fast now. DECKER Within you are memory patterns of a carbon unit. If I can help you revive these patterns; you could understand our functions better. "ILIA" That is logical. You may procede. 272 ON DECKER 272 realizing the difficult task ahead; the pain he will suffer. 273 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE (M) 273 The ship stationary in the chamber as now we SEE an exterior hatch sliding fully open. Up through the hatch a circular airlock door opens -- and a tiny figure in a thruster spacesuit emerges, steps into space, slowly floats down through the hatch and under the Enterprise saucer section. In this and subsequent VIEWS we will SEE that on the rear pack of his thruster spacesuit is a FLASHING STROBE LIGHT which regularly EMITS the identifying SIGNAL of this particular suit. (By which Kirk will be able to see Spock's position even from several miles away.) 274 CLOSER ON THE SPACESUITED FIGURE (M) 274 MOVING TOWARD the CAMERA until the features behind the face mask are clearly identifiable: Spock, his face set in the same grim, determined expression, as he touches his spacesuit transmitter control. SPOCK Computer, commence recording. Captain Kirk -- this message will detail my attempt to contact the aliens... 275 INT. BRIDGE 275 Kirk ENTERING, crossing Uhura as she calls: UHURA Starfleet signals, sir, growing in strength... (listening intently) They -- have Intruder on their monitors -- it's decelerating -- powerfield cloud beginning to dissipate... SULU Confirm, Captain. Lunar beacons indicate Intruder on a course into Earth orbit... CHEKOV (interrupting) Sir! Airlock four has been opened; a thruster suit is reported missing! KIRK (reacts knowingly) Spock...! (to navigator) Get a fix on his position! 276 INT. V'GER - MED. ON SPOCK 276 His features now set into an almost trance-like expres- sion as he concentrates on the thought emanations. Then we SEE his head turn, he peers off -- then he moves his thruster controls. We SEE the small blue jets of his thrusters -- his spacesuit figure begins to move off in the direction he was concentrating upon. 277 ANOTHER ANGLE - SPOCK 277 His thrusters moving him across V'ger's vast chamber then dropping down into a deep "trough"-like area which stretches into the distance ahead of him. A cloud of CRYSTAL FORMS (Kirk's entrapment) become visible to one side but Spock passes them at some dis- tance and does not attract them. We can SEE more clearly now the point on the inner wall of the trough toward which Spock is heading. It is an unusual combination of GLOWING FORCEFIELDS which seem to mark this point of the vessel as of some importance. (Here, also, we will become aware of "sensor-bee" swarms, intermittently darting toward this same wall from all points of the chamber.) 278 INT. AIRLOCK AREA 278 SHOWING Kirk in a thruster spacesuit, helmet being readied by AIRLOCK TECHNICIANS. McCoy is also here, arguing with Kirk: KIRK (from the start) ... I don't want him stopped, Bones; I want him to lead me to whatever's out there...! McCOY And if that 'whatever' has taken over his mind....? KIRK Then he'll have still led me to it, won't he? And Kirk steps into the airlock door, hits a control -- it begins sliding closed behind him. 279 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE 279 UP THROUGH the circular airlock door as it slides open -- and Kirk's tiny spacesuited figure floats down clear of the saucer. 280 CLOSER ON KIRK 280 SEEING his face through the spacesuit faceplate as he scans the darkness. SULU'S VOICE Bridge, Captain. We make Spock as 26 Mark 345 degrees off ship's axis. During which, Kirk spots something. 281 KIRK'S POV 281 Spock's STROBE blinker at a mile or so distance, nearing

desired

How many times the word 'desired' appears in the text?

ENERGY BOLT which instantly envelopes First Security Man in a PURPLE GLOW (of implosion). Second Security Man has almost lifted his phaser -- but now carefully, slowly is moving his hand away from his weapon. 210 CLOSER - THE SECURITY MEN (O) 210 PURPLE GLOW FADES, the First Security Man has simply vanished. 210A FULL SHOT - BRIDGE 210A Chekov, like the others, horrified, flips a switch and the COMPUTER-VOICE ("Intruder Alert") goes OFF. At the same time Chekov speaks into his intercom: CHEKOV Security... do not send further teams! The Probe is sending out snake-like tendrils to the various consoles on the bridge. These tendrils lash out in a cobra-strike movement, the tendril-head seeming to enter into the console affected -- at which time all monitors and instrument lights there come ON as if the Probe is "reading" each console function. The crew carefully stays clear of the tendrils. Spock has risen, moving to Kirk's side as he slowly brings his tricorder up, very carefully extracting its tiny sensor and aiming it at the probe. CHEKOV (shaken) No intruder readings on other decks, Captain... (to Spock) Can that be one of their crew? SPOCK (quiet) A probe from their vessel... (to Kirk) A plasma-energy combination... Meanwhile, the probe is now hovering near Chekov who sits frozen, fists clenched, jaw tight. DECKER Don't interfere with it...! CHEKOV Absolutely, I will not interfere! 210B ANGLE INCLUDING SPOCK'S CONSOLE (O) 210B as the "probe" withdraws an energy-tendril from one bridge station and "inserts" it into another console. KIRK No one interfere...! It doesn't seem interested in us -- only the ship...! Kirk's words are never completed as suddenly all the energy tendrils withdraw from all consoles and a larger, more powerful-looking tendril lashes out, snaking into the science console complex. 210C CLOSER ON SCIENCE CONSOLE 210C Where, also immediately, all the console and computer lights are suddenly flashing wildly, rapidly -- -- There is an incredibly fast EXCHANGE OF HIGH-PITCHED BEES -- the computer obviously in unauthorized commu- nication with the probe! KIRK Computer off! DECKER It's taken control of the computer...! KIRK It's running our records! Starfleet strength, Earth defenses... As Decker moves to the main power control, Spock now steps in, his Vulcan strength easily brushing Kirk and Decker aside. Spock clasps his fists above his head, brings it down in a SHATTERING BLOW on the console. It splits open! As the bridge lights dim even more, and as the science console shorts itself out -- and off, Decker confronts Spock: DECKER We could have cut it off at the main computer... SPOCK This served the purpose. Kirk has been giving Spock a puzzled look -- Spock now turns abruptly, and: 210D ANOTHER ANGLE (O) 210D as Spock, in stepping back, accidentally brushes the probe's energy tendril -- a FLASH OF LIGHT at the contact point sends Spock sinning under the rail and to the floor near Ilia. The probe's energy-tendril has withdrawn from the darkened science console, hov- ers high over the dazed Spock as if angrily seeking the reason for the break in its computer contact. Spock starts to rise. ILIA Mr. Spock, don't move...! Decker steps toward her, AD LIBBING a grim "Ilia...!" But he has no chance as: 211 OMITTED 211 - - 219 219 220 CLOSER ON ILIA (O) 220 The Probe hovers over her, its whole mass seemingly about to envelope her with a single tendril extended toward her, somehow freezing her into immobility - and then the entire Probe DISSOLVES IN A BLINDING FLASH OF WHITE, obscuring Ilia. Almost instantly the WHITE FLASH FADES -- but Ilia has vanished -- her tricorder clattering to the deck. 221 OMITTED 221 222 ACROSS THE NAVIGATOR'S STATION TO KIRK AND DECKER 222 helpless, shocked, gazing at the place Ilia was -- but which is now empty. DECKER (to Kirk, quiet fury) This is how I define unwarranted! And almost at the same moment a new BRIDGE ALARM SIGNAL. 223 OMITTED 223 - - 232 232 233 The ALARM still sounding as from the giant alien ves- 233 sel, we SEE STRANGE, OPAQUE ENERGY PATTERNS STREAKING TOWARD US. Kirk vaults to the command chair, lunges for controls, as Decker races to the weapons-defense console. DECKER (voice amplified) The ship is under attack...! Man all defensive stations...! KIRK Forcefields, full remaining strength...! Total reserve! Appropriate ALARM KLAXONS, and COMPUTER VOICES begin SOUNDING, and all this is lost in a SUDDEN SHRILLING SOUND (a constant, high-pitched tone). For a moment the energy patterns are prominent on the viewer -- and then the PATTERNS VANISHED and the SHRILL SOUND FADES -- and: 234 FAVOR THE VIEWER (O) 234 showing V'ger GROWING RAPIDLY IN SIZE. The Enterprise is being pulled along the length of the big ship, toward its "prow." SPOCK Captain, we have been seized by a tractor beam...! KIRK (to Decker) Get someone up here to take the Navigator's station...! (into intercom) Engineering... full emergency power! DECKER (into intercom) Chief Difalco to the bridge; on the double! 234A ENGINEERING 234A in a state of controlled chaos, all personnel at their stations, the Engine CORE GLOWING. Scott is working his controls, speaking into the intercom: SCOTT Going to full emergency... (studying readings) But Captain, if we don't break free in fifteen seconds, she'll burn up... 234B INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING SPOCK 234B as Spock studies his readings, and: SPOCK We cannot break free, Captain. (indicates monitors) We do not have a fraction of the power necessary. KIRK (into intercom) Delay that order, Scotty...! Disengage all main drive systems! Spock peers in deep concentration at the Main Viewer, trying to sense some clue. Kirk glances at him another moment, then turns to the Main Viewer himself, watches in frustrated helplessness. 235 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE BEING PULLED TOWARD V'GER (S) 235 the starship being pulled toward the giant as though on a taut cable. As we MOVE CLOSER, we SEE still more intricate details of the incredible Alien design. 236 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 236 as Difalco arrives on the run, and Decker AD LIBS to her, "Assume Navigator's station, Chief...!" Difalco, bewildered, wants to ask what happened, but no time, and she quickly sits at the post, begins orienting herself. Meanwhile, Decker has begun an Executive Officer's bridge circuit, assisting with various con- soles. Kirk is glancing toward Spock who continues concentrating on the Viewer, striving to comprehend the myriad of thoughts he is sensing from he Aliens. McCoy also arrives on the bridge, takes in the chaotic scene, watches the Viewer grimly. 237 OMITTED 237 - - 238 238 239 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER (S) 239 At the forward end of the giant, an odd-shapped "iris" begins opening menacingly. And it is frighteningly obvious that the tractor beam is pulling the Enterprise to the opening. 240 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 240 showing the unusual "iris" now almost fully open as Enterprise is drawn closer, closer -- through the "iris" we now SEE (some of) V'ger's interior: a dark void relieved only by strange flickering glows of dis- tant ENERGY FIELD PATTERNS. The crew reacts with understandable awe, apprehension, curiosity, as: DECKER Captain, suggest a maximum phaser strike directly at the beam might weaken it just enough for us to break free -- Spock replies for Kirk: quickly, as though to make his point convincingly: SPOCK Break free to where, Commander...? (to Kirk) Any show of resistance would not only be futile, Catain... 240XA ACROSS SPOCK TO KIRK (DECKER AND McCOY IN B.G.) 240XA as Kirk reacts somewhat curiously to Spock's remark, but it is Decker who articulates it: DECKER (troubled; suspicious) We don't know that, Mr. Spock. Why are you opposed to trying? Before Spock can reply: UHURA They're pulling us inside...! All face the Viewer again, react, with McCoy who has been observing all these reactions now galvanized into action: McCOY (to Chekov) Medical observers to all decks! And he hurries toward the elevators, CAMERA WITH HIM a moment, then SWINGING BACK TO: 240A PAST KIRK TO VIEWER (O) 240A Kirk staring at the viewer -- the "iris" now fully open so that the exterior of V'ger is no longer visible -- and all we can SEE is the monstrous void dead ahead, which is looming faster and larger before our eyes. And now we are inside. 241 OMITTED 241 - - 243 243 244 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER - AT THE "IRIS" (S) 244 Enterprise now being pulled past the opening -- into the ship proper. Now we can SEE that the dark void is actually a vast chamber, dimly and intermittently lit by POWERFIELDS appearing and vanishing along the vessel's inner walls, which are miles away in the distance. And here and there in the chamber gigantic ENERGY DISPLAYS erupt briefly with a certain symmetry that suggests they must be part of V'ger's ower or control systems. 245 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 245 Kirk peering awed at the Viewer, the incredible sight of the chamber -- suddenly glances up to see that Spock is standing beside him -- Decker nearby, turns to Spock: DECKER (to Spock) Why bring us inside? Not to destroy us; they could have done that outside. KIRK They could have many ways of destroying things, Mr. Decker. SPOCK (peering at Viewer) Something about us puzzles them... perhaps even concerns them. 245A ANGLE ON UHURA 245A Reacting to a console reading: UHURA Captain, photic-sonar readings indicate the aperture is closing; we're trapped, sir...! 246 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE ENTERING V'GER (S) 246 The starship is pulled inside, the "iris" is closing behind it. 247 INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING THE VIEWER (O) 247 The viewer image changing from the huge dark chamber, rear angle shot, showing the "iris" closing. SULU Reverse angle on the viewer, Captain. On the viewer the final glimmer from exterior space as the "iris" closes completely. 248 REACTIONS 248 All eyes on the viewer, CAMERA FINDING ONE FACE AFTER ANOTHER, the reality of the situation etched into each face. Then: 248A FAVORING KIRK 248A As Spock turns from a reading: SPOCK The tractor beam has released us, Captain. DIFALCO Confirmed: Vessel is floating free. No forward momentum. KIRK Viewer ahead. SULU Viewer ahead, sir. 248B INSERT - MAIN VIEWER 248B Ahead, the cavernous interior of V'ger. 248C BACK TO SHOT 248C Kirk eying the main viewer -- Decker watching Kirk. KIRK Maneuvering thrusters, Mr. Sulu; ahead one third. (to Spock) Full sensor scan, Mr. Spock; they can't expect us not to look them over now! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters ahead, one third. SPOCK (manipulating controls) Commencing sensor scans. Kirk rises, goes to Spock's station. 249 INT. V'GER ENTRANCE CHAMBER - ENTERPRISE (S) 249 The Enterprise moving slowly forward in this vastness, its running lights merely specks of light, candles in the darkness. In the distance those occasional ERUPT- ING POWER DISPLAYS in distant locations, sizes, shapes and patterns. 250 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING MAIN VIEWER (O) 250 showing another persective of the above, and further away GLOWING ENERGY FIELDS dimly illuminating the alien ship's walls -- miles away. Strange semi--solid LIGHT SHAPES (some are "sensor-bee" swarms) traverse the dark- ness in random directions. But in the distance ahead, there seems to be an opening to another chamber. SULU (of Viewer) Something ahead, sir; looks like another area... (reacts) It's closing up...! Sulu is indicating what appears to be a lace-bulwark of POWERFIELD PATTERNS closing off the "chamber" in the distance ahead. Kirk, from the Science Station calls out: KIRK Hold station...! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters at station keeping... 251 ANGLE EMPHASIZING SPOCK 251 at his Science consoles, working rapidly, shifting from one set of controls to another. Now he hits a master control -- his console monitors FLASH, then go dark. SPOCK Captain... Spock brings a monitor IMAGE ON again, indicates a (Povill) pattern showing a line hitting something, then reversing direction. SPOCK (continuing) All scans are being reflected back, Captain. Our sensors are useless. 251A ACROSS THEM TO THE MAIN VIEWER 251A Kirk reacts with disappointment, indicates the main viewer. KIRK Have you been able to analyze any of this...? SPOCK (voice increasingly reverential) I believe the light flares to be energy fields -- undoubtedly part of the vessel's inner mechanism. A technology so incredibly sophisticated that I cannot -- COMPUTER VOICE (overlapping) Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert..! (continues) 252 OMITTED 252 - - 253 253 254 ANGLE ON CHEKOV 254 Reacting to a console reading: CHEKOV Deck four, Captain; Officers' Quarters...! KIRK (to Chekov) Have a security team meet me at Deck Four main elevator! A moment's reaction from all at this, Kirk hurrying toward elevator, calling: KIRK (continuing) Take the conn, Mr. Decker: Hold present position... (gesturing Spock to join him) Spock... And Spock rises, joins Kirk and they hurriedly exit, the CAMERA SWINGING BACK to Decker, his perplexed con- cern (because of Ilia). 254A INT. ILIA'S CABIN - THE SONIC SHOWER 254A Where we SEE, behind the translucent stall door, what is unmistakably the form of the NUDE FEMALE. 255 INT. ILIA'S CABIN - KIRK 255 entering, Spock slightly behind him - and one Security Guard. Kirk glances around the room, now glances at the shower area and reacts as he sees the NAKED FORM. The others react similarly, even Spock cannot help re- pressing an expression of surprise. A moment's uncer- tainty as Kirk peers at them, then he steps to the stall door, hesitates another instant -- then slides the door open. (NOTE: Arrange lighting for bizarre, mysterious effect.) Kirk's eyes cannot believe what he is seeing: 255A "ILIA" 255A standing in the sonic mist, naked but for a small multi-colored button embedded in her throat. As she looks at Kirk -- and the others -- the men peer back at her, speechless. "ILIA" I have been programmed by V'ger to observe and record normal functioning of the carbon-based units infesting USS ENTERPRISE. Kirk peers at her another nonplussed moment, then leans into the shower to touch a control, his eyes fixed on the lovely body behind the mist. He punches in a three digit code. Immediately a HUMMING SOUND emanates from the shower stall, Kirk closing the door, but 'Ilia" remaining inside. 256 ACROSS KIRK AND THE OTHERS TO THE SHOWER STALL 256 The HUMMING SOUND just now reaching a gentle crescendo -- through the translucent door you can see COLORS ENVELOPING "ILIA'S" FORM. And now the SOUND STOPS. "Ilia", attired in a leisure robe, steps from the stall, into the room. She stands facing Kirk, her face impas- sive, eyes unblinking. He looks her back a moment, then glances at Spock, who is gazing at "Ilia" in abso- lute fascination. Kirk addresses her: KIRK Who is...'V'ger'...? "ILIA" V'ger is that which programmed me. KIRK Is V'ger the Captain of the alien vessel? 256A ANGLE ON THE DOOR - McCOY 256A rushing in, concerned: McCOY Jim, what's -- At the sight of 'Ilia", McCoy's words die in his throat -- and his trained eyes have instantly told him some- thing is awry. He unslings his tricorder, aims the sensor unit at "Ilia". As he reads his instruments, his face reveals the results (incredulity, fascination). Meanwhile, from the start: "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. McCOY (of "Ilia") Jim, this is a mechanism...! Kirk stares at McCoy, then at "Ilia" and realizes that "Ilia" is indeed non-human. And quickly: KIRK Where is Lt. Ilia? "ILIA" That unit no longer functions. I have been given its form to more readily communicate with the carbon-based units infesting Enterprise. SECURITY GUARD "Carbon-based units"...? McCOY (drily) Humans, Ensign Lang: us. (continues tricorder exam, increasingly impressed) KIRK (to "Ilia") Why does V'ger travel to the third planet of the solar system directly ahead? "ILIA" V'ger travels to the third planet to find the Creator. Stunned, disbelieving reactions as all four attempt to digest this -- Spock gazing at "Ilia" with even more rapt fascination. Kirk, bewildered, addresses the others: KIRK Find the Creator? What Creator? Whose...!? (to "Ilia") What does V'ger want of the 'Creator'... ? "ILIA" To join with him. 256B FAVORING SPOCK 256B suddenly alert, addressing "Ilia": SPOCK Join with the Creator... ? How? "ILIA" V'ger and the Creator will become One. SPOCK Who is the Creator? McCOY (worried) Mr. Spock, be careful. "ILIA" The Creator is that which created V'ger. KIRK Who is V'ger? "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. Another moment of total exasperation, frustration, during which "Ilia" seems to be waiting politely, patiently for any further questions. When none are forthcoming: "ILIA" (continuing; pleasant, bland) I am ready to commence my observations. SPOCK (fast; to McCoy) Doctor, a thorough examination of this probe might provide some insight into those who manufactured it, and how to deal with them. McCOY Let's get her to sickbay. And he grasps "Ilia's" arm to escort her. But is as though he has seized cast iron: immovable. McCoy is thrown off balance merely by 'Ilia's" remaining sta- tionary. She ignores McCoy, addresses Kirk: "ILIA" I am programmed to observe and record normal functioning procedures of the carbon-based units. 256B Kirk glances at McCoy, who is totally bemused, but then 256B Kirk quickly responds to "Ilia": KIRK The examination is a normal function. "ILIA" (a beat) You may proceede. McCOY (carefully) Thank you. 257 CLOSE SHOT OF EXAMINING ROOM VIEWER (O) 257 scanning a "body". PULL BACK TO SHOW McCoy, Chapel, Kirk, Spock and Chekov -- standing over "ILIA" who lies prone on the table, the physicians moving the scanner over her. McCOY (from the start; indicating) ... micro-miniature hydraulics, sensors, molecule-sized multi- processor chips... and look at this... In the b.g., Decker enters, grimly observes the proceed- ings. CHAPEL (impressed) An osmotic micro-pump... here and here. Even the smallest body functions are exactly duplicated. (traces with finger on screen) And every exocrine system is here, too -- Chapel breaks off abruptly, noticing "Ilia" is peering intently -- almost with a glimmer of recognition -- at Decker. Slightly disconcerted, Chapel continues: CHAPEL (continuing) -- even eye moisture. "ILIA" (peering at Decker) Deck -- er. 257A FAVORING SPOCK 257A as everyone reacts to "Ilia's" utterance of Decker's name. It seems to make the deepest impression on Spock, confirming something he has suspected. SPOCK (to "Ilia") Interesting. Not 'Decker-unit'? "Ilia" continues peering at Decker with just a hint of a puzzled frown, a glimmer of distant recognition. It's the first time we've seen her expression look anything but cool and bland. This results in the quizzical rising of one of Spock's eyebrows. 258 ANOTHER ANGLE 258 McCoy's examination now turns "Ilia" away from the others. Spock quickly catches Kirk's and Decker's attention, indicates an adjoining door -- they fol- low him out of the room. 259 INT. McCOY'S OFFICE 259 as Kirk, Spock and Decker enter, the door snapping shut -- and Spock touching the electronic lock to secure them. He faces the others: SPOCK Captain... this probe may be a key a key to the Aliens. DECKER It's a programmed mechanism, Mr. Spock... SPOCK We have just seen that its body duplicates our navigator in precise detail. Suppose that beneath its programming, the real Ilia's memory patterns are duplicated with equal precision. KIRK They had a pattern to follow... SPOCK (nods) ... they may have followed it too precisely. KIRK (comprehending) Ilia's memory, her feelings of loyalty, friendship, obedience... might all be there. 259A ANGLE ON DECKER 259A also comprehending, and not liking it one bit as Spock and Kirk are both turning their attention to him. SPOCK Exactly. (to Decker) And you did have a 'relationship' with Lieutenant Ilia, Commander. DECKER That probe in there -- in a different form now -- is the same thing that killed Ilia! KIRK Commander, we're locked in an alien vessel, six hours from Earth orbit, our only contact with our captors is the probe. If we can control it, persuade it, use it in some way... Interrupted by the SOUND of someone trying to open the locked door behind them. Then a METAL RIPPING SOUND as they whirl to see: 260 MEDICAL OFFICE DOOR 260 with the METAL BUCKLING, TEARING -- and a single hand slicing the steel door like paper. It is the "Ilia" probe, her face absolutely impassive, her whole manner incongruously benign. (Behind her, a startled McCoy, Chapel and Chekov.) "Ilia" speaks flatly, blandly. "ILIA" I have recorded enough here. (motions to Kirk) You will now assist me further. Kirk exchanges a quick glance with Spock. Then: KIRK (indicating Decker) The Decker-unit can assist you with much greater efficiency... "Ilia" has seemed about to object -- but now her eyes hold on Decker. Then she nods. KIRK (continuing) Carry on with your assignment, Mr. Decker. 260A ANOTHER ANGLE - ACROSS DECKER TO THE SMASHED DOOR 260A (AND "ILIA") as Decker looks at "Ilia" who stands at the torn door. You can read Decker's mind: I'm supposed to persuade that?! He turns back, finds Kirk's eyes on him. Decker nods. DECKER Aye, sir. "Ilia" and a reluctant Decker EXIT. 260B EMPHASIZING SPOCK 260B looking very troubled as they watch Decker and "Ilia" leave. Kirk notices. KIRK Spock? Concerned about his chances? SPOCK I am uneasy with that being our only hope of more information. Spock EXITS. 261 INT. V'GER - THE ENTERPRISE 261 floating in the vast, eerie, alien chamber -- sporadic FLASHES OF ENERGY, erupting now and then. Various other EFFECTS. OVER this, Kirk's VOICE: KIRK (V.O.) Captain's Log. Stardate 7414.1. Our best estimates place us some four hours from Earth. No significant Ilia memory patterns within the alien probe. This remains our only means of contact with our captor. 262 INT. ENTERPRISE AIRLOCK AREA 262 The area dimly lit -- unoccupied but for a lone AIRLOCK TECHNICIAN checking and adjusting instruments. The CAMERA MOVES PAST him to FIND: 263 SPOCK 263 His face fixed with grim determination, walking quietly with obvious intent not to attract the Tech's attention. Now he steals up behind the TECH -- and in an instant has applied a Vulcan nerve pinch. The Tech slumps over his console. 264 INT KIRK'S CABIN - VIEWER MONITOR 264 Showing a CLOSE SHOT of ENTERPRISE PICTURES, then PULL BACK SLIGHTLY for an IMAGE of Decker and "Ilia" walk- ing through the Rec Deck. PULL BACK FURTHER TO SHOW Kirk watching this -- and with him is McCoy. They continue watching a troubled beat, as: DECKER (of pictures) All these vessels were called "Enterprise". "Ilia" is giving the pictures a very interested look as we HEAR in Kirk's cabin: UHURA'S INTERCOM VOICE (controlled excitement) Bridge to Captain... 265 OMITTED 265 266 INT. BRIDGE - UHURA'S STATION (SCIENCE STATION IN 266 B.G.) Uhura at her console, struggling to hear the signal. KIRK'S INTERCOM VOICE Kirk here. In the b.g., Spock's station a MAINTENANCE TEAM is replacing the broken Science Station computer. (Spock is conspicuously absent.) UHURA A faint signal from Starfleet, sir. They have the intruder on their monitors... (struggling to hear) They show us... three hours... twenty-four minutes from Earth! KIRK'S VOICE (thru intercom) Thank you. 267 INT. RECREATION DECK 267 Decker and "Ilia", the Rec Deck unoccupied but for a pair of wary SECURITY GUARDS at a very discreet dis- tance. They are near the pictures of the five Enter- prises, which should be FEATURED in this SHOT, as Decker waves his hand about the huge room. DECKER The carbon units use this area for recreation... (carefully) What type of recreation does the crew aboard your vessel enjoy...? 268 CLOSER TWO SHOT (PICTURES O.S.) 268 As "Ilia" moves on into the room, Decker follows: "ILIA" The words 'recreation' and 'enjoy' have no meaning to my programming. Decker peers at the lovely android with frustration -- and no little pain, for she is after all the exact replica of Ilia. She pays not the slightest attention to Decker's reaction, and begins walking about the Rec Deck taking in (and, clearly, transmitting all images to V'ger) the sights. They are near a game area (elec- tronic games), and now Decker points to one game, switches it on -- presses button to activate its LIGHTS and SOUNDS. "Ilia" watches interestedly as Decker operates the game. DECKER Ilia 'enjoyed' this game... she nearly always won -- And he demonstrates again, as "Ilia" steps to the device, deftly hits some buttons -- and for just an instant she turns to Decker with a momentary glimmer of recognition. 269 INT. KIRK'S CABIN - GROUP WATCHING THE MONITOR 269 McCoy watching with special interest: McCOY (approving) Good! He's using audial-visual association. But the words are not out of McCoy's mouth when "Ilia" says: "ILIA" This device serves no purpose. She steps away from the game; Decker's disappointment is evident. So is everyone elses. KIRK Damn...! McCOY (nods grimly) She needs something else: something much more personal to stimulate memory patterns. Something with a more emotional tie. Kirk reacts to this, reflective. 270 INT. REC DECK FULL ON DECKER AND "ILIA" 270 Decker waving back toward the general area of the Enterprise pictures. DECKER The crews of the previous Enterprises were also carbon units. In what way is the life form in your vessel different? "ILIA" Carbon units are not true life forms... Do those images repre- sent how Enterprise has evolved into its present form? DECKER (hoping he's struck a responsive chord) Yes. "ILIA" Carbon units have clearly retarded Enterprise's proper evolvement. DECKER (controlling surprise) What is Enterprise's proper evolvement? "ILIA" Enterprise should not require the presence of carbon units. And with this she moves off, observing other Rec Deck objects. Decker moves with her; then: DECKER (carefully) Enterprise would be unable to function without carbon units. "ILIA" More data concerning this functioning is necessary before carbon units can be patterned for data storage. 271 ACROSS "ILIA" TO DECKER 271 as he reacts to this ominous note; he stops abruptly. DECKER What does that mean? "ILIA" (stopping; almost pleasantly) When my examination is complete, the carbon units will be reduced to data patterns. This has been delivered with chilling blandness, and she stands facing Decker, almost as though waiting for him to thank her. He thinks fast now. DECKER Within you are memory patterns of a carbon unit. If I can help you revive these patterns; you could understand our functions better. "ILIA" That is logical. You may procede. 272 ON DECKER 272 realizing the difficult task ahead; the pain he will suffer. 273 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE (M) 273 The ship stationary in the chamber as now we SEE an exterior hatch sliding fully open. Up through the hatch a circular airlock door opens -- and a tiny figure in a thruster spacesuit emerges, steps into space, slowly floats down through the hatch and under the Enterprise saucer section. In this and subsequent VIEWS we will SEE that on the rear pack of his thruster spacesuit is a FLASHING STROBE LIGHT which regularly EMITS the identifying SIGNAL of this particular suit. (By which Kirk will be able to see Spock's position even from several miles away.) 274 CLOSER ON THE SPACESUITED FIGURE (M) 274 MOVING TOWARD the CAMERA until the features behind the face mask are clearly identifiable: Spock, his face set in the same grim, determined expression, as he touches his spacesuit transmitter control. SPOCK Computer, commence recording. Captain Kirk -- this message will detail my attempt to contact the aliens... 275 INT. BRIDGE 275 Kirk ENTERING, crossing Uhura as she calls: UHURA Starfleet signals, sir, growing in strength... (listening intently) They -- have Intruder on their monitors -- it's decelerating -- powerfield cloud beginning to dissipate... SULU Confirm, Captain. Lunar beacons indicate Intruder on a course into Earth orbit... CHEKOV (interrupting) Sir! Airlock four has been opened; a thruster suit is reported missing! KIRK (reacts knowingly) Spock...! (to navigator) Get a fix on his position! 276 INT. V'GER - MED. ON SPOCK 276 His features now set into an almost trance-like expres- sion as he concentrates on the thought emanations. Then we SEE his head turn, he peers off -- then he moves his thruster controls. We SEE the small blue jets of his thrusters -- his spacesuit figure begins to move off in the direction he was concentrating upon. 277 ANOTHER ANGLE - SPOCK 277 His thrusters moving him across V'ger's vast chamber then dropping down into a deep "trough"-like area which stretches into the distance ahead of him. A cloud of CRYSTAL FORMS (Kirk's entrapment) become visible to one side but Spock passes them at some dis- tance and does not attract them. We can SEE more clearly now the point on the inner wall of the trough toward which Spock is heading. It is an unusual combination of GLOWING FORCEFIELDS which seem to mark this point of the vessel as of some importance. (Here, also, we will become aware of "sensor-bee" swarms, intermittently darting toward this same wall from all points of the chamber.) 278 INT. AIRLOCK AREA 278 SHOWING Kirk in a thruster spacesuit, helmet being readied by AIRLOCK TECHNICIANS. McCoy is also here, arguing with Kirk: KIRK (from the start) ... I don't want him stopped, Bones; I want him to lead me to whatever's out there...! McCOY And if that 'whatever' has taken over his mind....? KIRK Then he'll have still led me to it, won't he? And Kirk steps into the airlock door, hits a control -- it begins sliding closed behind him. 279 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE 279 UP THROUGH the circular airlock door as it slides open -- and Kirk's tiny spacesuited figure floats down clear of the saucer. 280 CLOSER ON KIRK 280 SEEING his face through the spacesuit faceplate as he scans the darkness. SULU'S VOICE Bridge, Captain. We make Spock as 26 Mark 345 degrees off ship's axis. During which, Kirk spots something. 281 KIRK'S POV 281 Spock's STROBE blinker at a mile or so distance, nearing

observe

How many times the word 'observe' appears in the text?

ENERGY BOLT which instantly envelopes First Security Man in a PURPLE GLOW (of implosion). Second Security Man has almost lifted his phaser -- but now carefully, slowly is moving his hand away from his weapon. 210 CLOSER - THE SECURITY MEN (O) 210 PURPLE GLOW FADES, the First Security Man has simply vanished. 210A FULL SHOT - BRIDGE 210A Chekov, like the others, horrified, flips a switch and the COMPUTER-VOICE ("Intruder Alert") goes OFF. At the same time Chekov speaks into his intercom: CHEKOV Security... do not send further teams! The Probe is sending out snake-like tendrils to the various consoles on the bridge. These tendrils lash out in a cobra-strike movement, the tendril-head seeming to enter into the console affected -- at which time all monitors and instrument lights there come ON as if the Probe is "reading" each console function. The crew carefully stays clear of the tendrils. Spock has risen, moving to Kirk's side as he slowly brings his tricorder up, very carefully extracting its tiny sensor and aiming it at the probe. CHEKOV (shaken) No intruder readings on other decks, Captain... (to Spock) Can that be one of their crew? SPOCK (quiet) A probe from their vessel... (to Kirk) A plasma-energy combination... Meanwhile, the probe is now hovering near Chekov who sits frozen, fists clenched, jaw tight. DECKER Don't interfere with it...! CHEKOV Absolutely, I will not interfere! 210B ANGLE INCLUDING SPOCK'S CONSOLE (O) 210B as the "probe" withdraws an energy-tendril from one bridge station and "inserts" it into another console. KIRK No one interfere...! It doesn't seem interested in us -- only the ship...! Kirk's words are never completed as suddenly all the energy tendrils withdraw from all consoles and a larger, more powerful-looking tendril lashes out, snaking into the science console complex. 210C CLOSER ON SCIENCE CONSOLE 210C Where, also immediately, all the console and computer lights are suddenly flashing wildly, rapidly -- -- There is an incredibly fast EXCHANGE OF HIGH-PITCHED BEES -- the computer obviously in unauthorized commu- nication with the probe! KIRK Computer off! DECKER It's taken control of the computer...! KIRK It's running our records! Starfleet strength, Earth defenses... As Decker moves to the main power control, Spock now steps in, his Vulcan strength easily brushing Kirk and Decker aside. Spock clasps his fists above his head, brings it down in a SHATTERING BLOW on the console. It splits open! As the bridge lights dim even more, and as the science console shorts itself out -- and off, Decker confronts Spock: DECKER We could have cut it off at the main computer... SPOCK This served the purpose. Kirk has been giving Spock a puzzled look -- Spock now turns abruptly, and: 210D ANOTHER ANGLE (O) 210D as Spock, in stepping back, accidentally brushes the probe's energy tendril -- a FLASH OF LIGHT at the contact point sends Spock sinning under the rail and to the floor near Ilia. The probe's energy-tendril has withdrawn from the darkened science console, hov- ers high over the dazed Spock as if angrily seeking the reason for the break in its computer contact. Spock starts to rise. ILIA Mr. Spock, don't move...! Decker steps toward her, AD LIBBING a grim "Ilia...!" But he has no chance as: 211 OMITTED 211 - - 219 219 220 CLOSER ON ILIA (O) 220 The Probe hovers over her, its whole mass seemingly about to envelope her with a single tendril extended toward her, somehow freezing her into immobility - and then the entire Probe DISSOLVES IN A BLINDING FLASH OF WHITE, obscuring Ilia. Almost instantly the WHITE FLASH FADES -- but Ilia has vanished -- her tricorder clattering to the deck. 221 OMITTED 221 222 ACROSS THE NAVIGATOR'S STATION TO KIRK AND DECKER 222 helpless, shocked, gazing at the place Ilia was -- but which is now empty. DECKER (to Kirk, quiet fury) This is how I define unwarranted! And almost at the same moment a new BRIDGE ALARM SIGNAL. 223 OMITTED 223 - - 232 232 233 The ALARM still sounding as from the giant alien ves- 233 sel, we SEE STRANGE, OPAQUE ENERGY PATTERNS STREAKING TOWARD US. Kirk vaults to the command chair, lunges for controls, as Decker races to the weapons-defense console. DECKER (voice amplified) The ship is under attack...! Man all defensive stations...! KIRK Forcefields, full remaining strength...! Total reserve! Appropriate ALARM KLAXONS, and COMPUTER VOICES begin SOUNDING, and all this is lost in a SUDDEN SHRILLING SOUND (a constant, high-pitched tone). For a moment the energy patterns are prominent on the viewer -- and then the PATTERNS VANISHED and the SHRILL SOUND FADES -- and: 234 FAVOR THE VIEWER (O) 234 showing V'ger GROWING RAPIDLY IN SIZE. The Enterprise is being pulled along the length of the big ship, toward its "prow." SPOCK Captain, we have been seized by a tractor beam...! KIRK (to Decker) Get someone up here to take the Navigator's station...! (into intercom) Engineering... full emergency power! DECKER (into intercom) Chief Difalco to the bridge; on the double! 234A ENGINEERING 234A in a state of controlled chaos, all personnel at their stations, the Engine CORE GLOWING. Scott is working his controls, speaking into the intercom: SCOTT Going to full emergency... (studying readings) But Captain, if we don't break free in fifteen seconds, she'll burn up... 234B INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING SPOCK 234B as Spock studies his readings, and: SPOCK We cannot break free, Captain. (indicates monitors) We do not have a fraction of the power necessary. KIRK (into intercom) Delay that order, Scotty...! Disengage all main drive systems! Spock peers in deep concentration at the Main Viewer, trying to sense some clue. Kirk glances at him another moment, then turns to the Main Viewer himself, watches in frustrated helplessness. 235 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE BEING PULLED TOWARD V'GER (S) 235 the starship being pulled toward the giant as though on a taut cable. As we MOVE CLOSER, we SEE still more intricate details of the incredible Alien design. 236 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 236 as Difalco arrives on the run, and Decker AD LIBS to her, "Assume Navigator's station, Chief...!" Difalco, bewildered, wants to ask what happened, but no time, and she quickly sits at the post, begins orienting herself. Meanwhile, Decker has begun an Executive Officer's bridge circuit, assisting with various con- soles. Kirk is glancing toward Spock who continues concentrating on the Viewer, striving to comprehend the myriad of thoughts he is sensing from he Aliens. McCoy also arrives on the bridge, takes in the chaotic scene, watches the Viewer grimly. 237 OMITTED 237 - - 238 238 239 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER (S) 239 At the forward end of the giant, an odd-shapped "iris" begins opening menacingly. And it is frighteningly obvious that the tractor beam is pulling the Enterprise to the opening. 240 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 240 showing the unusual "iris" now almost fully open as Enterprise is drawn closer, closer -- through the "iris" we now SEE (some of) V'ger's interior: a dark void relieved only by strange flickering glows of dis- tant ENERGY FIELD PATTERNS. The crew reacts with understandable awe, apprehension, curiosity, as: DECKER Captain, suggest a maximum phaser strike directly at the beam might weaken it just enough for us to break free -- Spock replies for Kirk: quickly, as though to make his point convincingly: SPOCK Break free to where, Commander...? (to Kirk) Any show of resistance would not only be futile, Catain... 240XA ACROSS SPOCK TO KIRK (DECKER AND McCOY IN B.G.) 240XA as Kirk reacts somewhat curiously to Spock's remark, but it is Decker who articulates it: DECKER (troubled; suspicious) We don't know that, Mr. Spock. Why are you opposed to trying? Before Spock can reply: UHURA They're pulling us inside...! All face the Viewer again, react, with McCoy who has been observing all these reactions now galvanized into action: McCOY (to Chekov) Medical observers to all decks! And he hurries toward the elevators, CAMERA WITH HIM a moment, then SWINGING BACK TO: 240A PAST KIRK TO VIEWER (O) 240A Kirk staring at the viewer -- the "iris" now fully open so that the exterior of V'ger is no longer visible -- and all we can SEE is the monstrous void dead ahead, which is looming faster and larger before our eyes. And now we are inside. 241 OMITTED 241 - - 243 243 244 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER - AT THE "IRIS" (S) 244 Enterprise now being pulled past the opening -- into the ship proper. Now we can SEE that the dark void is actually a vast chamber, dimly and intermittently lit by POWERFIELDS appearing and vanishing along the vessel's inner walls, which are miles away in the distance. And here and there in the chamber gigantic ENERGY DISPLAYS erupt briefly with a certain symmetry that suggests they must be part of V'ger's ower or control systems. 245 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 245 Kirk peering awed at the Viewer, the incredible sight of the chamber -- suddenly glances up to see that Spock is standing beside him -- Decker nearby, turns to Spock: DECKER (to Spock) Why bring us inside? Not to destroy us; they could have done that outside. KIRK They could have many ways of destroying things, Mr. Decker. SPOCK (peering at Viewer) Something about us puzzles them... perhaps even concerns them. 245A ANGLE ON UHURA 245A Reacting to a console reading: UHURA Captain, photic-sonar readings indicate the aperture is closing; we're trapped, sir...! 246 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE ENTERING V'GER (S) 246 The starship is pulled inside, the "iris" is closing behind it. 247 INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING THE VIEWER (O) 247 The viewer image changing from the huge dark chamber, rear angle shot, showing the "iris" closing. SULU Reverse angle on the viewer, Captain. On the viewer the final glimmer from exterior space as the "iris" closes completely. 248 REACTIONS 248 All eyes on the viewer, CAMERA FINDING ONE FACE AFTER ANOTHER, the reality of the situation etched into each face. Then: 248A FAVORING KIRK 248A As Spock turns from a reading: SPOCK The tractor beam has released us, Captain. DIFALCO Confirmed: Vessel is floating free. No forward momentum. KIRK Viewer ahead. SULU Viewer ahead, sir. 248B INSERT - MAIN VIEWER 248B Ahead, the cavernous interior of V'ger. 248C BACK TO SHOT 248C Kirk eying the main viewer -- Decker watching Kirk. KIRK Maneuvering thrusters, Mr. Sulu; ahead one third. (to Spock) Full sensor scan, Mr. Spock; they can't expect us not to look them over now! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters ahead, one third. SPOCK (manipulating controls) Commencing sensor scans. Kirk rises, goes to Spock's station. 249 INT. V'GER ENTRANCE CHAMBER - ENTERPRISE (S) 249 The Enterprise moving slowly forward in this vastness, its running lights merely specks of light, candles in the darkness. In the distance those occasional ERUPT- ING POWER DISPLAYS in distant locations, sizes, shapes and patterns. 250 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING MAIN VIEWER (O) 250 showing another persective of the above, and further away GLOWING ENERGY FIELDS dimly illuminating the alien ship's walls -- miles away. Strange semi--solid LIGHT SHAPES (some are "sensor-bee" swarms) traverse the dark- ness in random directions. But in the distance ahead, there seems to be an opening to another chamber. SULU (of Viewer) Something ahead, sir; looks like another area... (reacts) It's closing up...! Sulu is indicating what appears to be a lace-bulwark of POWERFIELD PATTERNS closing off the "chamber" in the distance ahead. Kirk, from the Science Station calls out: KIRK Hold station...! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters at station keeping... 251 ANGLE EMPHASIZING SPOCK 251 at his Science consoles, working rapidly, shifting from one set of controls to another. Now he hits a master control -- his console monitors FLASH, then go dark. SPOCK Captain... Spock brings a monitor IMAGE ON again, indicates a (Povill) pattern showing a line hitting something, then reversing direction. SPOCK (continuing) All scans are being reflected back, Captain. Our sensors are useless. 251A ACROSS THEM TO THE MAIN VIEWER 251A Kirk reacts with disappointment, indicates the main viewer. KIRK Have you been able to analyze any of this...? SPOCK (voice increasingly reverential) I believe the light flares to be energy fields -- undoubtedly part of the vessel's inner mechanism. A technology so incredibly sophisticated that I cannot -- COMPUTER VOICE (overlapping) Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert..! (continues) 252 OMITTED 252 - - 253 253 254 ANGLE ON CHEKOV 254 Reacting to a console reading: CHEKOV Deck four, Captain; Officers' Quarters...! KIRK (to Chekov) Have a security team meet me at Deck Four main elevator! A moment's reaction from all at this, Kirk hurrying toward elevator, calling: KIRK (continuing) Take the conn, Mr. Decker: Hold present position... (gesturing Spock to join him) Spock... And Spock rises, joins Kirk and they hurriedly exit, the CAMERA SWINGING BACK to Decker, his perplexed con- cern (because of Ilia). 254A INT. ILIA'S CABIN - THE SONIC SHOWER 254A Where we SEE, behind the translucent stall door, what is unmistakably the form of the NUDE FEMALE. 255 INT. ILIA'S CABIN - KIRK 255 entering, Spock slightly behind him - and one Security Guard. Kirk glances around the room, now glances at the shower area and reacts as he sees the NAKED FORM. The others react similarly, even Spock cannot help re- pressing an expression of surprise. A moment's uncer- tainty as Kirk peers at them, then he steps to the stall door, hesitates another instant -- then slides the door open. (NOTE: Arrange lighting for bizarre, mysterious effect.) Kirk's eyes cannot believe what he is seeing: 255A "ILIA" 255A standing in the sonic mist, naked but for a small multi-colored button embedded in her throat. As she looks at Kirk -- and the others -- the men peer back at her, speechless. "ILIA" I have been programmed by V'ger to observe and record normal functioning of the carbon-based units infesting USS ENTERPRISE. Kirk peers at her another nonplussed moment, then leans into the shower to touch a control, his eyes fixed on the lovely body behind the mist. He punches in a three digit code. Immediately a HUMMING SOUND emanates from the shower stall, Kirk closing the door, but 'Ilia" remaining inside. 256 ACROSS KIRK AND THE OTHERS TO THE SHOWER STALL 256 The HUMMING SOUND just now reaching a gentle crescendo -- through the translucent door you can see COLORS ENVELOPING "ILIA'S" FORM. And now the SOUND STOPS. "Ilia", attired in a leisure robe, steps from the stall, into the room. She stands facing Kirk, her face impas- sive, eyes unblinking. He looks her back a moment, then glances at Spock, who is gazing at "Ilia" in abso- lute fascination. Kirk addresses her: KIRK Who is...'V'ger'...? "ILIA" V'ger is that which programmed me. KIRK Is V'ger the Captain of the alien vessel? 256A ANGLE ON THE DOOR - McCOY 256A rushing in, concerned: McCOY Jim, what's -- At the sight of 'Ilia", McCoy's words die in his throat -- and his trained eyes have instantly told him some- thing is awry. He unslings his tricorder, aims the sensor unit at "Ilia". As he reads his instruments, his face reveals the results (incredulity, fascination). Meanwhile, from the start: "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. McCOY (of "Ilia") Jim, this is a mechanism...! Kirk stares at McCoy, then at "Ilia" and realizes that "Ilia" is indeed non-human. And quickly: KIRK Where is Lt. Ilia? "ILIA" That unit no longer functions. I have been given its form to more readily communicate with the carbon-based units infesting Enterprise. SECURITY GUARD "Carbon-based units"...? McCOY (drily) Humans, Ensign Lang: us. (continues tricorder exam, increasingly impressed) KIRK (to "Ilia") Why does V'ger travel to the third planet of the solar system directly ahead? "ILIA" V'ger travels to the third planet to find the Creator. Stunned, disbelieving reactions as all four attempt to digest this -- Spock gazing at "Ilia" with even more rapt fascination. Kirk, bewildered, addresses the others: KIRK Find the Creator? What Creator? Whose...!? (to "Ilia") What does V'ger want of the 'Creator'... ? "ILIA" To join with him. 256B FAVORING SPOCK 256B suddenly alert, addressing "Ilia": SPOCK Join with the Creator... ? How? "ILIA" V'ger and the Creator will become One. SPOCK Who is the Creator? McCOY (worried) Mr. Spock, be careful. "ILIA" The Creator is that which created V'ger. KIRK Who is V'ger? "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. Another moment of total exasperation, frustration, during which "Ilia" seems to be waiting politely, patiently for any further questions. When none are forthcoming: "ILIA" (continuing; pleasant, bland) I am ready to commence my observations. SPOCK (fast; to McCoy) Doctor, a thorough examination of this probe might provide some insight into those who manufactured it, and how to deal with them. McCOY Let's get her to sickbay. And he grasps "Ilia's" arm to escort her. But is as though he has seized cast iron: immovable. McCoy is thrown off balance merely by 'Ilia's" remaining sta- tionary. She ignores McCoy, addresses Kirk: "ILIA" I am programmed to observe and record normal functioning procedures of the carbon-based units. 256B Kirk glances at McCoy, who is totally bemused, but then 256B Kirk quickly responds to "Ilia": KIRK The examination is a normal function. "ILIA" (a beat) You may proceede. McCOY (carefully) Thank you. 257 CLOSE SHOT OF EXAMINING ROOM VIEWER (O) 257 scanning a "body". PULL BACK TO SHOW McCoy, Chapel, Kirk, Spock and Chekov -- standing over "ILIA" who lies prone on the table, the physicians moving the scanner over her. McCOY (from the start; indicating) ... micro-miniature hydraulics, sensors, molecule-sized multi- processor chips... and look at this... In the b.g., Decker enters, grimly observes the proceed- ings. CHAPEL (impressed) An osmotic micro-pump... here and here. Even the smallest body functions are exactly duplicated. (traces with finger on screen) And every exocrine system is here, too -- Chapel breaks off abruptly, noticing "Ilia" is peering intently -- almost with a glimmer of recognition -- at Decker. Slightly disconcerted, Chapel continues: CHAPEL (continuing) -- even eye moisture. "ILIA" (peering at Decker) Deck -- er. 257A FAVORING SPOCK 257A as everyone reacts to "Ilia's" utterance of Decker's name. It seems to make the deepest impression on Spock, confirming something he has suspected. SPOCK (to "Ilia") Interesting. Not 'Decker-unit'? "Ilia" continues peering at Decker with just a hint of a puzzled frown, a glimmer of distant recognition. It's the first time we've seen her expression look anything but cool and bland. This results in the quizzical rising of one of Spock's eyebrows. 258 ANOTHER ANGLE 258 McCoy's examination now turns "Ilia" away from the others. Spock quickly catches Kirk's and Decker's attention, indicates an adjoining door -- they fol- low him out of the room. 259 INT. McCOY'S OFFICE 259 as Kirk, Spock and Decker enter, the door snapping shut -- and Spock touching the electronic lock to secure them. He faces the others: SPOCK Captain... this probe may be a key a key to the Aliens. DECKER It's a programmed mechanism, Mr. Spock... SPOCK We have just seen that its body duplicates our navigator in precise detail. Suppose that beneath its programming, the real Ilia's memory patterns are duplicated with equal precision. KIRK They had a pattern to follow... SPOCK (nods) ... they may have followed it too precisely. KIRK (comprehending) Ilia's memory, her feelings of loyalty, friendship, obedience... might all be there. 259A ANGLE ON DECKER 259A also comprehending, and not liking it one bit as Spock and Kirk are both turning their attention to him. SPOCK Exactly. (to Decker) And you did have a 'relationship' with Lieutenant Ilia, Commander. DECKER That probe in there -- in a different form now -- is the same thing that killed Ilia! KIRK Commander, we're locked in an alien vessel, six hours from Earth orbit, our only contact with our captors is the probe. If we can control it, persuade it, use it in some way... Interrupted by the SOUND of someone trying to open the locked door behind them. Then a METAL RIPPING SOUND as they whirl to see: 260 MEDICAL OFFICE DOOR 260 with the METAL BUCKLING, TEARING -- and a single hand slicing the steel door like paper. It is the "Ilia" probe, her face absolutely impassive, her whole manner incongruously benign. (Behind her, a startled McCoy, Chapel and Chekov.) "Ilia" speaks flatly, blandly. "ILIA" I have recorded enough here. (motions to Kirk) You will now assist me further. Kirk exchanges a quick glance with Spock. Then: KIRK (indicating Decker) The Decker-unit can assist you with much greater efficiency... "Ilia" has seemed about to object -- but now her eyes hold on Decker. Then she nods. KIRK (continuing) Carry on with your assignment, Mr. Decker. 260A ANOTHER ANGLE - ACROSS DECKER TO THE SMASHED DOOR 260A (AND "ILIA") as Decker looks at "Ilia" who stands at the torn door. You can read Decker's mind: I'm supposed to persuade that?! He turns back, finds Kirk's eyes on him. Decker nods. DECKER Aye, sir. "Ilia" and a reluctant Decker EXIT. 260B EMPHASIZING SPOCK 260B looking very troubled as they watch Decker and "Ilia" leave. Kirk notices. KIRK Spock? Concerned about his chances? SPOCK I am uneasy with that being our only hope of more information. Spock EXITS. 261 INT. V'GER - THE ENTERPRISE 261 floating in the vast, eerie, alien chamber -- sporadic FLASHES OF ENERGY, erupting now and then. Various other EFFECTS. OVER this, Kirk's VOICE: KIRK (V.O.) Captain's Log. Stardate 7414.1. Our best estimates place us some four hours from Earth. No significant Ilia memory patterns within the alien probe. This remains our only means of contact with our captor. 262 INT. ENTERPRISE AIRLOCK AREA 262 The area dimly lit -- unoccupied but for a lone AIRLOCK TECHNICIAN checking and adjusting instruments. The CAMERA MOVES PAST him to FIND: 263 SPOCK 263 His face fixed with grim determination, walking quietly with obvious intent not to attract the Tech's attention. Now he steals up behind the TECH -- and in an instant has applied a Vulcan nerve pinch. The Tech slumps over his console. 264 INT KIRK'S CABIN - VIEWER MONITOR 264 Showing a CLOSE SHOT of ENTERPRISE PICTURES, then PULL BACK SLIGHTLY for an IMAGE of Decker and "Ilia" walk- ing through the Rec Deck. PULL BACK FURTHER TO SHOW Kirk watching this -- and with him is McCoy. They continue watching a troubled beat, as: DECKER (of pictures) All these vessels were called "Enterprise". "Ilia" is giving the pictures a very interested look as we HEAR in Kirk's cabin: UHURA'S INTERCOM VOICE (controlled excitement) Bridge to Captain... 265 OMITTED 265 266 INT. BRIDGE - UHURA'S STATION (SCIENCE STATION IN 266 B.G.) Uhura at her console, struggling to hear the signal. KIRK'S INTERCOM VOICE Kirk here. In the b.g., Spock's station a MAINTENANCE TEAM is replacing the broken Science Station computer. (Spock is conspicuously absent.) UHURA A faint signal from Starfleet, sir. They have the intruder on their monitors... (struggling to hear) They show us... three hours... twenty-four minutes from Earth! KIRK'S VOICE (thru intercom) Thank you. 267 INT. RECREATION DECK 267 Decker and "Ilia", the Rec Deck unoccupied but for a pair of wary SECURITY GUARDS at a very discreet dis- tance. They are near the pictures of the five Enter- prises, which should be FEATURED in this SHOT, as Decker waves his hand about the huge room. DECKER The carbon units use this area for recreation... (carefully) What type of recreation does the crew aboard your vessel enjoy...? 268 CLOSER TWO SHOT (PICTURES O.S.) 268 As "Ilia" moves on into the room, Decker follows: "ILIA" The words 'recreation' and 'enjoy' have no meaning to my programming. Decker peers at the lovely android with frustration -- and no little pain, for she is after all the exact replica of Ilia. She pays not the slightest attention to Decker's reaction, and begins walking about the Rec Deck taking in (and, clearly, transmitting all images to V'ger) the sights. They are near a game area (elec- tronic games), and now Decker points to one game, switches it on -- presses button to activate its LIGHTS and SOUNDS. "Ilia" watches interestedly as Decker operates the game. DECKER Ilia 'enjoyed' this game... she nearly always won -- And he demonstrates again, as "Ilia" steps to the device, deftly hits some buttons -- and for just an instant she turns to Decker with a momentary glimmer of recognition. 269 INT. KIRK'S CABIN - GROUP WATCHING THE MONITOR 269 McCoy watching with special interest: McCOY (approving) Good! He's using audial-visual association. But the words are not out of McCoy's mouth when "Ilia" says: "ILIA" This device serves no purpose. She steps away from the game; Decker's disappointment is evident. So is everyone elses. KIRK Damn...! McCOY (nods grimly) She needs something else: something much more personal to stimulate memory patterns. Something with a more emotional tie. Kirk reacts to this, reflective. 270 INT. REC DECK FULL ON DECKER AND "ILIA" 270 Decker waving back toward the general area of the Enterprise pictures. DECKER The crews of the previous Enterprises were also carbon units. In what way is the life form in your vessel different? "ILIA" Carbon units are not true life forms... Do those images repre- sent how Enterprise has evolved into its present form? DECKER (hoping he's struck a responsive chord) Yes. "ILIA" Carbon units have clearly retarded Enterprise's proper evolvement. DECKER (controlling surprise) What is Enterprise's proper evolvement? "ILIA" Enterprise should not require the presence of carbon units. And with this she moves off, observing other Rec Deck objects. Decker moves with her; then: DECKER (carefully) Enterprise would be unable to function without carbon units. "ILIA" More data concerning this functioning is necessary before carbon units can be patterned for data storage. 271 ACROSS "ILIA" TO DECKER 271 as he reacts to this ominous note; he stops abruptly. DECKER What does that mean? "ILIA" (stopping; almost pleasantly) When my examination is complete, the carbon units will be reduced to data patterns. This has been delivered with chilling blandness, and she stands facing Decker, almost as though waiting for him to thank her. He thinks fast now. DECKER Within you are memory patterns of a carbon unit. If I can help you revive these patterns; you could understand our functions better. "ILIA" That is logical. You may procede. 272 ON DECKER 272 realizing the difficult task ahead; the pain he will suffer. 273 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE (M) 273 The ship stationary in the chamber as now we SEE an exterior hatch sliding fully open. Up through the hatch a circular airlock door opens -- and a tiny figure in a thruster spacesuit emerges, steps into space, slowly floats down through the hatch and under the Enterprise saucer section. In this and subsequent VIEWS we will SEE that on the rear pack of his thruster spacesuit is a FLASHING STROBE LIGHT which regularly EMITS the identifying SIGNAL of this particular suit. (By which Kirk will be able to see Spock's position even from several miles away.) 274 CLOSER ON THE SPACESUITED FIGURE (M) 274 MOVING TOWARD the CAMERA until the features behind the face mask are clearly identifiable: Spock, his face set in the same grim, determined expression, as he touches his spacesuit transmitter control. SPOCK Computer, commence recording. Captain Kirk -- this message will detail my attempt to contact the aliens... 275 INT. BRIDGE 275 Kirk ENTERING, crossing Uhura as she calls: UHURA Starfleet signals, sir, growing in strength... (listening intently) They -- have Intruder on their monitors -- it's decelerating -- powerfield cloud beginning to dissipate... SULU Confirm, Captain. Lunar beacons indicate Intruder on a course into Earth orbit... CHEKOV (interrupting) Sir! Airlock four has been opened; a thruster suit is reported missing! KIRK (reacts knowingly) Spock...! (to navigator) Get a fix on his position! 276 INT. V'GER - MED. ON SPOCK 276 His features now set into an almost trance-like expres- sion as he concentrates on the thought emanations. Then we SEE his head turn, he peers off -- then he moves his thruster controls. We SEE the small blue jets of his thrusters -- his spacesuit figure begins to move off in the direction he was concentrating upon. 277 ANOTHER ANGLE - SPOCK 277 His thrusters moving him across V'ger's vast chamber then dropping down into a deep "trough"-like area which stretches into the distance ahead of him. A cloud of CRYSTAL FORMS (Kirk's entrapment) become visible to one side but Spock passes them at some dis- tance and does not attract them. We can SEE more clearly now the point on the inner wall of the trough toward which Spock is heading. It is an unusual combination of GLOWING FORCEFIELDS which seem to mark this point of the vessel as of some importance. (Here, also, we will become aware of "sensor-bee" swarms, intermittently darting toward this same wall from all points of the chamber.) 278 INT. AIRLOCK AREA 278 SHOWING Kirk in a thruster spacesuit, helmet being readied by AIRLOCK TECHNICIANS. McCoy is also here, arguing with Kirk: KIRK (from the start) ... I don't want him stopped, Bones; I want him to lead me to whatever's out there...! McCOY And if that 'whatever' has taken over his mind....? KIRK Then he'll have still led me to it, won't he? And Kirk steps into the airlock door, hits a control -- it begins sliding closed behind him. 279 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE 279 UP THROUGH the circular airlock door as it slides open -- and Kirk's tiny spacesuited figure floats down clear of the saucer. 280 CLOSER ON KIRK 280 SEEING his face through the spacesuit faceplate as he scans the darkness. SULU'S VOICE Bridge, Captain. We make Spock as 26 Mark 345 degrees off ship's axis. During which, Kirk spots something. 281 KIRK'S POV 281 Spock's STROBE blinker at a mile or so distance, nearing

frighteningly

How many times the word 'frighteningly' appears in the text?

ENERGY BOLT which instantly envelopes First Security Man in a PURPLE GLOW (of implosion). Second Security Man has almost lifted his phaser -- but now carefully, slowly is moving his hand away from his weapon. 210 CLOSER - THE SECURITY MEN (O) 210 PURPLE GLOW FADES, the First Security Man has simply vanished. 210A FULL SHOT - BRIDGE 210A Chekov, like the others, horrified, flips a switch and the COMPUTER-VOICE ("Intruder Alert") goes OFF. At the same time Chekov speaks into his intercom: CHEKOV Security... do not send further teams! The Probe is sending out snake-like tendrils to the various consoles on the bridge. These tendrils lash out in a cobra-strike movement, the tendril-head seeming to enter into the console affected -- at which time all monitors and instrument lights there come ON as if the Probe is "reading" each console function. The crew carefully stays clear of the tendrils. Spock has risen, moving to Kirk's side as he slowly brings his tricorder up, very carefully extracting its tiny sensor and aiming it at the probe. CHEKOV (shaken) No intruder readings on other decks, Captain... (to Spock) Can that be one of their crew? SPOCK (quiet) A probe from their vessel... (to Kirk) A plasma-energy combination... Meanwhile, the probe is now hovering near Chekov who sits frozen, fists clenched, jaw tight. DECKER Don't interfere with it...! CHEKOV Absolutely, I will not interfere! 210B ANGLE INCLUDING SPOCK'S CONSOLE (O) 210B as the "probe" withdraws an energy-tendril from one bridge station and "inserts" it into another console. KIRK No one interfere...! It doesn't seem interested in us -- only the ship...! Kirk's words are never completed as suddenly all the energy tendrils withdraw from all consoles and a larger, more powerful-looking tendril lashes out, snaking into the science console complex. 210C CLOSER ON SCIENCE CONSOLE 210C Where, also immediately, all the console and computer lights are suddenly flashing wildly, rapidly -- -- There is an incredibly fast EXCHANGE OF HIGH-PITCHED BEES -- the computer obviously in unauthorized commu- nication with the probe! KIRK Computer off! DECKER It's taken control of the computer...! KIRK It's running our records! Starfleet strength, Earth defenses... As Decker moves to the main power control, Spock now steps in, his Vulcan strength easily brushing Kirk and Decker aside. Spock clasps his fists above his head, brings it down in a SHATTERING BLOW on the console. It splits open! As the bridge lights dim even more, and as the science console shorts itself out -- and off, Decker confronts Spock: DECKER We could have cut it off at the main computer... SPOCK This served the purpose. Kirk has been giving Spock a puzzled look -- Spock now turns abruptly, and: 210D ANOTHER ANGLE (O) 210D as Spock, in stepping back, accidentally brushes the probe's energy tendril -- a FLASH OF LIGHT at the contact point sends Spock sinning under the rail and to the floor near Ilia. The probe's energy-tendril has withdrawn from the darkened science console, hov- ers high over the dazed Spock as if angrily seeking the reason for the break in its computer contact. Spock starts to rise. ILIA Mr. Spock, don't move...! Decker steps toward her, AD LIBBING a grim "Ilia...!" But he has no chance as: 211 OMITTED 211 - - 219 219 220 CLOSER ON ILIA (O) 220 The Probe hovers over her, its whole mass seemingly about to envelope her with a single tendril extended toward her, somehow freezing her into immobility - and then the entire Probe DISSOLVES IN A BLINDING FLASH OF WHITE, obscuring Ilia. Almost instantly the WHITE FLASH FADES -- but Ilia has vanished -- her tricorder clattering to the deck. 221 OMITTED 221 222 ACROSS THE NAVIGATOR'S STATION TO KIRK AND DECKER 222 helpless, shocked, gazing at the place Ilia was -- but which is now empty. DECKER (to Kirk, quiet fury) This is how I define unwarranted! And almost at the same moment a new BRIDGE ALARM SIGNAL. 223 OMITTED 223 - - 232 232 233 The ALARM still sounding as from the giant alien ves- 233 sel, we SEE STRANGE, OPAQUE ENERGY PATTERNS STREAKING TOWARD US. Kirk vaults to the command chair, lunges for controls, as Decker races to the weapons-defense console. DECKER (voice amplified) The ship is under attack...! Man all defensive stations...! KIRK Forcefields, full remaining strength...! Total reserve! Appropriate ALARM KLAXONS, and COMPUTER VOICES begin SOUNDING, and all this is lost in a SUDDEN SHRILLING SOUND (a constant, high-pitched tone). For a moment the energy patterns are prominent on the viewer -- and then the PATTERNS VANISHED and the SHRILL SOUND FADES -- and: 234 FAVOR THE VIEWER (O) 234 showing V'ger GROWING RAPIDLY IN SIZE. The Enterprise is being pulled along the length of the big ship, toward its "prow." SPOCK Captain, we have been seized by a tractor beam...! KIRK (to Decker) Get someone up here to take the Navigator's station...! (into intercom) Engineering... full emergency power! DECKER (into intercom) Chief Difalco to the bridge; on the double! 234A ENGINEERING 234A in a state of controlled chaos, all personnel at their stations, the Engine CORE GLOWING. Scott is working his controls, speaking into the intercom: SCOTT Going to full emergency... (studying readings) But Captain, if we don't break free in fifteen seconds, she'll burn up... 234B INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING SPOCK 234B as Spock studies his readings, and: SPOCK We cannot break free, Captain. (indicates monitors) We do not have a fraction of the power necessary. KIRK (into intercom) Delay that order, Scotty...! Disengage all main drive systems! Spock peers in deep concentration at the Main Viewer, trying to sense some clue. Kirk glances at him another moment, then turns to the Main Viewer himself, watches in frustrated helplessness. 235 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE BEING PULLED TOWARD V'GER (S) 235 the starship being pulled toward the giant as though on a taut cable. As we MOVE CLOSER, we SEE still more intricate details of the incredible Alien design. 236 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 236 as Difalco arrives on the run, and Decker AD LIBS to her, "Assume Navigator's station, Chief...!" Difalco, bewildered, wants to ask what happened, but no time, and she quickly sits at the post, begins orienting herself. Meanwhile, Decker has begun an Executive Officer's bridge circuit, assisting with various con- soles. Kirk is glancing toward Spock who continues concentrating on the Viewer, striving to comprehend the myriad of thoughts he is sensing from he Aliens. McCoy also arrives on the bridge, takes in the chaotic scene, watches the Viewer grimly. 237 OMITTED 237 - - 238 238 239 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER (S) 239 At the forward end of the giant, an odd-shapped "iris" begins opening menacingly. And it is frighteningly obvious that the tractor beam is pulling the Enterprise to the opening. 240 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 240 showing the unusual "iris" now almost fully open as Enterprise is drawn closer, closer -- through the "iris" we now SEE (some of) V'ger's interior: a dark void relieved only by strange flickering glows of dis- tant ENERGY FIELD PATTERNS. The crew reacts with understandable awe, apprehension, curiosity, as: DECKER Captain, suggest a maximum phaser strike directly at the beam might weaken it just enough for us to break free -- Spock replies for Kirk: quickly, as though to make his point convincingly: SPOCK Break free to where, Commander...? (to Kirk) Any show of resistance would not only be futile, Catain... 240XA ACROSS SPOCK TO KIRK (DECKER AND McCOY IN B.G.) 240XA as Kirk reacts somewhat curiously to Spock's remark, but it is Decker who articulates it: DECKER (troubled; suspicious) We don't know that, Mr. Spock. Why are you opposed to trying? Before Spock can reply: UHURA They're pulling us inside...! All face the Viewer again, react, with McCoy who has been observing all these reactions now galvanized into action: McCOY (to Chekov) Medical observers to all decks! And he hurries toward the elevators, CAMERA WITH HIM a moment, then SWINGING BACK TO: 240A PAST KIRK TO VIEWER (O) 240A Kirk staring at the viewer -- the "iris" now fully open so that the exterior of V'ger is no longer visible -- and all we can SEE is the monstrous void dead ahead, which is looming faster and larger before our eyes. And now we are inside. 241 OMITTED 241 - - 243 243 244 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER - AT THE "IRIS" (S) 244 Enterprise now being pulled past the opening -- into the ship proper. Now we can SEE that the dark void is actually a vast chamber, dimly and intermittently lit by POWERFIELDS appearing and vanishing along the vessel's inner walls, which are miles away in the distance. And here and there in the chamber gigantic ENERGY DISPLAYS erupt briefly with a certain symmetry that suggests they must be part of V'ger's ower or control systems. 245 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 245 Kirk peering awed at the Viewer, the incredible sight of the chamber -- suddenly glances up to see that Spock is standing beside him -- Decker nearby, turns to Spock: DECKER (to Spock) Why bring us inside? Not to destroy us; they could have done that outside. KIRK They could have many ways of destroying things, Mr. Decker. SPOCK (peering at Viewer) Something about us puzzles them... perhaps even concerns them. 245A ANGLE ON UHURA 245A Reacting to a console reading: UHURA Captain, photic-sonar readings indicate the aperture is closing; we're trapped, sir...! 246 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE ENTERING V'GER (S) 246 The starship is pulled inside, the "iris" is closing behind it. 247 INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING THE VIEWER (O) 247 The viewer image changing from the huge dark chamber, rear angle shot, showing the "iris" closing. SULU Reverse angle on the viewer, Captain. On the viewer the final glimmer from exterior space as the "iris" closes completely. 248 REACTIONS 248 All eyes on the viewer, CAMERA FINDING ONE FACE AFTER ANOTHER, the reality of the situation etched into each face. Then: 248A FAVORING KIRK 248A As Spock turns from a reading: SPOCK The tractor beam has released us, Captain. DIFALCO Confirmed: Vessel is floating free. No forward momentum. KIRK Viewer ahead. SULU Viewer ahead, sir. 248B INSERT - MAIN VIEWER 248B Ahead, the cavernous interior of V'ger. 248C BACK TO SHOT 248C Kirk eying the main viewer -- Decker watching Kirk. KIRK Maneuvering thrusters, Mr. Sulu; ahead one third. (to Spock) Full sensor scan, Mr. Spock; they can't expect us not to look them over now! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters ahead, one third. SPOCK (manipulating controls) Commencing sensor scans. Kirk rises, goes to Spock's station. 249 INT. V'GER ENTRANCE CHAMBER - ENTERPRISE (S) 249 The Enterprise moving slowly forward in this vastness, its running lights merely specks of light, candles in the darkness. In the distance those occasional ERUPT- ING POWER DISPLAYS in distant locations, sizes, shapes and patterns. 250 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING MAIN VIEWER (O) 250 showing another persective of the above, and further away GLOWING ENERGY FIELDS dimly illuminating the alien ship's walls -- miles away. Strange semi--solid LIGHT SHAPES (some are "sensor-bee" swarms) traverse the dark- ness in random directions. But in the distance ahead, there seems to be an opening to another chamber. SULU (of Viewer) Something ahead, sir; looks like another area... (reacts) It's closing up...! Sulu is indicating what appears to be a lace-bulwark of POWERFIELD PATTERNS closing off the "chamber" in the distance ahead. Kirk, from the Science Station calls out: KIRK Hold station...! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters at station keeping... 251 ANGLE EMPHASIZING SPOCK 251 at his Science consoles, working rapidly, shifting from one set of controls to another. Now he hits a master control -- his console monitors FLASH, then go dark. SPOCK Captain... Spock brings a monitor IMAGE ON again, indicates a (Povill) pattern showing a line hitting something, then reversing direction. SPOCK (continuing) All scans are being reflected back, Captain. Our sensors are useless. 251A ACROSS THEM TO THE MAIN VIEWER 251A Kirk reacts with disappointment, indicates the main viewer. KIRK Have you been able to analyze any of this...? SPOCK (voice increasingly reverential) I believe the light flares to be energy fields -- undoubtedly part of the vessel's inner mechanism. A technology so incredibly sophisticated that I cannot -- COMPUTER VOICE (overlapping) Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert..! (continues) 252 OMITTED 252 - - 253 253 254 ANGLE ON CHEKOV 254 Reacting to a console reading: CHEKOV Deck four, Captain; Officers' Quarters...! KIRK (to Chekov) Have a security team meet me at Deck Four main elevator! A moment's reaction from all at this, Kirk hurrying toward elevator, calling: KIRK (continuing) Take the conn, Mr. Decker: Hold present position... (gesturing Spock to join him) Spock... And Spock rises, joins Kirk and they hurriedly exit, the CAMERA SWINGING BACK to Decker, his perplexed con- cern (because of Ilia). 254A INT. ILIA'S CABIN - THE SONIC SHOWER 254A Where we SEE, behind the translucent stall door, what is unmistakably the form of the NUDE FEMALE. 255 INT. ILIA'S CABIN - KIRK 255 entering, Spock slightly behind him - and one Security Guard. Kirk glances around the room, now glances at the shower area and reacts as he sees the NAKED FORM. The others react similarly, even Spock cannot help re- pressing an expression of surprise. A moment's uncer- tainty as Kirk peers at them, then he steps to the stall door, hesitates another instant -- then slides the door open. (NOTE: Arrange lighting for bizarre, mysterious effect.) Kirk's eyes cannot believe what he is seeing: 255A "ILIA" 255A standing in the sonic mist, naked but for a small multi-colored button embedded in her throat. As she looks at Kirk -- and the others -- the men peer back at her, speechless. "ILIA" I have been programmed by V'ger to observe and record normal functioning of the carbon-based units infesting USS ENTERPRISE. Kirk peers at her another nonplussed moment, then leans into the shower to touch a control, his eyes fixed on the lovely body behind the mist. He punches in a three digit code. Immediately a HUMMING SOUND emanates from the shower stall, Kirk closing the door, but 'Ilia" remaining inside. 256 ACROSS KIRK AND THE OTHERS TO THE SHOWER STALL 256 The HUMMING SOUND just now reaching a gentle crescendo -- through the translucent door you can see COLORS ENVELOPING "ILIA'S" FORM. And now the SOUND STOPS. "Ilia", attired in a leisure robe, steps from the stall, into the room. She stands facing Kirk, her face impas- sive, eyes unblinking. He looks her back a moment, then glances at Spock, who is gazing at "Ilia" in abso- lute fascination. Kirk addresses her: KIRK Who is...'V'ger'...? "ILIA" V'ger is that which programmed me. KIRK Is V'ger the Captain of the alien vessel? 256A ANGLE ON THE DOOR - McCOY 256A rushing in, concerned: McCOY Jim, what's -- At the sight of 'Ilia", McCoy's words die in his throat -- and his trained eyes have instantly told him some- thing is awry. He unslings his tricorder, aims the sensor unit at "Ilia". As he reads his instruments, his face reveals the results (incredulity, fascination). Meanwhile, from the start: "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. McCOY (of "Ilia") Jim, this is a mechanism...! Kirk stares at McCoy, then at "Ilia" and realizes that "Ilia" is indeed non-human. And quickly: KIRK Where is Lt. Ilia? "ILIA" That unit no longer functions. I have been given its form to more readily communicate with the carbon-based units infesting Enterprise. SECURITY GUARD "Carbon-based units"...? McCOY (drily) Humans, Ensign Lang: us. (continues tricorder exam, increasingly impressed) KIRK (to "Ilia") Why does V'ger travel to the third planet of the solar system directly ahead? "ILIA" V'ger travels to the third planet to find the Creator. Stunned, disbelieving reactions as all four attempt to digest this -- Spock gazing at "Ilia" with even more rapt fascination. Kirk, bewildered, addresses the others: KIRK Find the Creator? What Creator? Whose...!? (to "Ilia") What does V'ger want of the 'Creator'... ? "ILIA" To join with him. 256B FAVORING SPOCK 256B suddenly alert, addressing "Ilia": SPOCK Join with the Creator... ? How? "ILIA" V'ger and the Creator will become One. SPOCK Who is the Creator? McCOY (worried) Mr. Spock, be careful. "ILIA" The Creator is that which created V'ger. KIRK Who is V'ger? "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. Another moment of total exasperation, frustration, during which "Ilia" seems to be waiting politely, patiently for any further questions. When none are forthcoming: "ILIA" (continuing; pleasant, bland) I am ready to commence my observations. SPOCK (fast; to McCoy) Doctor, a thorough examination of this probe might provide some insight into those who manufactured it, and how to deal with them. McCOY Let's get her to sickbay. And he grasps "Ilia's" arm to escort her. But is as though he has seized cast iron: immovable. McCoy is thrown off balance merely by 'Ilia's" remaining sta- tionary. She ignores McCoy, addresses Kirk: "ILIA" I am programmed to observe and record normal functioning procedures of the carbon-based units. 256B Kirk glances at McCoy, who is totally bemused, but then 256B Kirk quickly responds to "Ilia": KIRK The examination is a normal function. "ILIA" (a beat) You may proceede. McCOY (carefully) Thank you. 257 CLOSE SHOT OF EXAMINING ROOM VIEWER (O) 257 scanning a "body". PULL BACK TO SHOW McCoy, Chapel, Kirk, Spock and Chekov -- standing over "ILIA" who lies prone on the table, the physicians moving the scanner over her. McCOY (from the start; indicating) ... micro-miniature hydraulics, sensors, molecule-sized multi- processor chips... and look at this... In the b.g., Decker enters, grimly observes the proceed- ings. CHAPEL (impressed) An osmotic micro-pump... here and here. Even the smallest body functions are exactly duplicated. (traces with finger on screen) And every exocrine system is here, too -- Chapel breaks off abruptly, noticing "Ilia" is peering intently -- almost with a glimmer of recognition -- at Decker. Slightly disconcerted, Chapel continues: CHAPEL (continuing) -- even eye moisture. "ILIA" (peering at Decker) Deck -- er. 257A FAVORING SPOCK 257A as everyone reacts to "Ilia's" utterance of Decker's name. It seems to make the deepest impression on Spock, confirming something he has suspected. SPOCK (to "Ilia") Interesting. Not 'Decker-unit'? "Ilia" continues peering at Decker with just a hint of a puzzled frown, a glimmer of distant recognition. It's the first time we've seen her expression look anything but cool and bland. This results in the quizzical rising of one of Spock's eyebrows. 258 ANOTHER ANGLE 258 McCoy's examination now turns "Ilia" away from the others. Spock quickly catches Kirk's and Decker's attention, indicates an adjoining door -- they fol- low him out of the room. 259 INT. McCOY'S OFFICE 259 as Kirk, Spock and Decker enter, the door snapping shut -- and Spock touching the electronic lock to secure them. He faces the others: SPOCK Captain... this probe may be a key a key to the Aliens. DECKER It's a programmed mechanism, Mr. Spock... SPOCK We have just seen that its body duplicates our navigator in precise detail. Suppose that beneath its programming, the real Ilia's memory patterns are duplicated with equal precision. KIRK They had a pattern to follow... SPOCK (nods) ... they may have followed it too precisely. KIRK (comprehending) Ilia's memory, her feelings of loyalty, friendship, obedience... might all be there. 259A ANGLE ON DECKER 259A also comprehending, and not liking it one bit as Spock and Kirk are both turning their attention to him. SPOCK Exactly. (to Decker) And you did have a 'relationship' with Lieutenant Ilia, Commander. DECKER That probe in there -- in a different form now -- is the same thing that killed Ilia! KIRK Commander, we're locked in an alien vessel, six hours from Earth orbit, our only contact with our captors is the probe. If we can control it, persuade it, use it in some way... Interrupted by the SOUND of someone trying to open the locked door behind them. Then a METAL RIPPING SOUND as they whirl to see: 260 MEDICAL OFFICE DOOR 260 with the METAL BUCKLING, TEARING -- and a single hand slicing the steel door like paper. It is the "Ilia" probe, her face absolutely impassive, her whole manner incongruously benign. (Behind her, a startled McCoy, Chapel and Chekov.) "Ilia" speaks flatly, blandly. "ILIA" I have recorded enough here. (motions to Kirk) You will now assist me further. Kirk exchanges a quick glance with Spock. Then: KIRK (indicating Decker) The Decker-unit can assist you with much greater efficiency... "Ilia" has seemed about to object -- but now her eyes hold on Decker. Then she nods. KIRK (continuing) Carry on with your assignment, Mr. Decker. 260A ANOTHER ANGLE - ACROSS DECKER TO THE SMASHED DOOR 260A (AND "ILIA") as Decker looks at "Ilia" who stands at the torn door. You can read Decker's mind: I'm supposed to persuade that?! He turns back, finds Kirk's eyes on him. Decker nods. DECKER Aye, sir. "Ilia" and a reluctant Decker EXIT. 260B EMPHASIZING SPOCK 260B looking very troubled as they watch Decker and "Ilia" leave. Kirk notices. KIRK Spock? Concerned about his chances? SPOCK I am uneasy with that being our only hope of more information. Spock EXITS. 261 INT. V'GER - THE ENTERPRISE 261 floating in the vast, eerie, alien chamber -- sporadic FLASHES OF ENERGY, erupting now and then. Various other EFFECTS. OVER this, Kirk's VOICE: KIRK (V.O.) Captain's Log. Stardate 7414.1. Our best estimates place us some four hours from Earth. No significant Ilia memory patterns within the alien probe. This remains our only means of contact with our captor. 262 INT. ENTERPRISE AIRLOCK AREA 262 The area dimly lit -- unoccupied but for a lone AIRLOCK TECHNICIAN checking and adjusting instruments. The CAMERA MOVES PAST him to FIND: 263 SPOCK 263 His face fixed with grim determination, walking quietly with obvious intent not to attract the Tech's attention. Now he steals up behind the TECH -- and in an instant has applied a Vulcan nerve pinch. The Tech slumps over his console. 264 INT KIRK'S CABIN - VIEWER MONITOR 264 Showing a CLOSE SHOT of ENTERPRISE PICTURES, then PULL BACK SLIGHTLY for an IMAGE of Decker and "Ilia" walk- ing through the Rec Deck. PULL BACK FURTHER TO SHOW Kirk watching this -- and with him is McCoy. They continue watching a troubled beat, as: DECKER (of pictures) All these vessels were called "Enterprise". "Ilia" is giving the pictures a very interested look as we HEAR in Kirk's cabin: UHURA'S INTERCOM VOICE (controlled excitement) Bridge to Captain... 265 OMITTED 265 266 INT. BRIDGE - UHURA'S STATION (SCIENCE STATION IN 266 B.G.) Uhura at her console, struggling to hear the signal. KIRK'S INTERCOM VOICE Kirk here. In the b.g., Spock's station a MAINTENANCE TEAM is replacing the broken Science Station computer. (Spock is conspicuously absent.) UHURA A faint signal from Starfleet, sir. They have the intruder on their monitors... (struggling to hear) They show us... three hours... twenty-four minutes from Earth! KIRK'S VOICE (thru intercom) Thank you. 267 INT. RECREATION DECK 267 Decker and "Ilia", the Rec Deck unoccupied but for a pair of wary SECURITY GUARDS at a very discreet dis- tance. They are near the pictures of the five Enter- prises, which should be FEATURED in this SHOT, as Decker waves his hand about the huge room. DECKER The carbon units use this area for recreation... (carefully) What type of recreation does the crew aboard your vessel enjoy...? 268 CLOSER TWO SHOT (PICTURES O.S.) 268 As "Ilia" moves on into the room, Decker follows: "ILIA" The words 'recreation' and 'enjoy' have no meaning to my programming. Decker peers at the lovely android with frustration -- and no little pain, for she is after all the exact replica of Ilia. She pays not the slightest attention to Decker's reaction, and begins walking about the Rec Deck taking in (and, clearly, transmitting all images to V'ger) the sights. They are near a game area (elec- tronic games), and now Decker points to one game, switches it on -- presses button to activate its LIGHTS and SOUNDS. "Ilia" watches interestedly as Decker operates the game. DECKER Ilia 'enjoyed' this game... she nearly always won -- And he demonstrates again, as "Ilia" steps to the device, deftly hits some buttons -- and for just an instant she turns to Decker with a momentary glimmer of recognition. 269 INT. KIRK'S CABIN - GROUP WATCHING THE MONITOR 269 McCoy watching with special interest: McCOY (approving) Good! He's using audial-visual association. But the words are not out of McCoy's mouth when "Ilia" says: "ILIA" This device serves no purpose. She steps away from the game; Decker's disappointment is evident. So is everyone elses. KIRK Damn...! McCOY (nods grimly) She needs something else: something much more personal to stimulate memory patterns. Something with a more emotional tie. Kirk reacts to this, reflective. 270 INT. REC DECK FULL ON DECKER AND "ILIA" 270 Decker waving back toward the general area of the Enterprise pictures. DECKER The crews of the previous Enterprises were also carbon units. In what way is the life form in your vessel different? "ILIA" Carbon units are not true life forms... Do those images repre- sent how Enterprise has evolved into its present form? DECKER (hoping he's struck a responsive chord) Yes. "ILIA" Carbon units have clearly retarded Enterprise's proper evolvement. DECKER (controlling surprise) What is Enterprise's proper evolvement? "ILIA" Enterprise should not require the presence of carbon units. And with this she moves off, observing other Rec Deck objects. Decker moves with her; then: DECKER (carefully) Enterprise would be unable to function without carbon units. "ILIA" More data concerning this functioning is necessary before carbon units can be patterned for data storage. 271 ACROSS "ILIA" TO DECKER 271 as he reacts to this ominous note; he stops abruptly. DECKER What does that mean? "ILIA" (stopping; almost pleasantly) When my examination is complete, the carbon units will be reduced to data patterns. This has been delivered with chilling blandness, and she stands facing Decker, almost as though waiting for him to thank her. He thinks fast now. DECKER Within you are memory patterns of a carbon unit. If I can help you revive these patterns; you could understand our functions better. "ILIA" That is logical. You may procede. 272 ON DECKER 272 realizing the difficult task ahead; the pain he will suffer. 273 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE (M) 273 The ship stationary in the chamber as now we SEE an exterior hatch sliding fully open. Up through the hatch a circular airlock door opens -- and a tiny figure in a thruster spacesuit emerges, steps into space, slowly floats down through the hatch and under the Enterprise saucer section. In this and subsequent VIEWS we will SEE that on the rear pack of his thruster spacesuit is a FLASHING STROBE LIGHT which regularly EMITS the identifying SIGNAL of this particular suit. (By which Kirk will be able to see Spock's position even from several miles away.) 274 CLOSER ON THE SPACESUITED FIGURE (M) 274 MOVING TOWARD the CAMERA until the features behind the face mask are clearly identifiable: Spock, his face set in the same grim, determined expression, as he touches his spacesuit transmitter control. SPOCK Computer, commence recording. Captain Kirk -- this message will detail my attempt to contact the aliens... 275 INT. BRIDGE 275 Kirk ENTERING, crossing Uhura as she calls: UHURA Starfleet signals, sir, growing in strength... (listening intently) They -- have Intruder on their monitors -- it's decelerating -- powerfield cloud beginning to dissipate... SULU Confirm, Captain. Lunar beacons indicate Intruder on a course into Earth orbit... CHEKOV (interrupting) Sir! Airlock four has been opened; a thruster suit is reported missing! KIRK (reacts knowingly) Spock...! (to navigator) Get a fix on his position! 276 INT. V'GER - MED. ON SPOCK 276 His features now set into an almost trance-like expres- sion as he concentrates on the thought emanations. Then we SEE his head turn, he peers off -- then he moves his thruster controls. We SEE the small blue jets of his thrusters -- his spacesuit figure begins to move off in the direction he was concentrating upon. 277 ANOTHER ANGLE - SPOCK 277 His thrusters moving him across V'ger's vast chamber then dropping down into a deep "trough"-like area which stretches into the distance ahead of him. A cloud of CRYSTAL FORMS (Kirk's entrapment) become visible to one side but Spock passes them at some dis- tance and does not attract them. We can SEE more clearly now the point on the inner wall of the trough toward which Spock is heading. It is an unusual combination of GLOWING FORCEFIELDS which seem to mark this point of the vessel as of some importance. (Here, also, we will become aware of "sensor-bee" swarms, intermittently darting toward this same wall from all points of the chamber.) 278 INT. AIRLOCK AREA 278 SHOWING Kirk in a thruster spacesuit, helmet being readied by AIRLOCK TECHNICIANS. McCoy is also here, arguing with Kirk: KIRK (from the start) ... I don't want him stopped, Bones; I want him to lead me to whatever's out there...! McCOY And if that 'whatever' has taken over his mind....? KIRK Then he'll have still led me to it, won't he? And Kirk steps into the airlock door, hits a control -- it begins sliding closed behind him. 279 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE 279 UP THROUGH the circular airlock door as it slides open -- and Kirk's tiny spacesuited figure floats down clear of the saucer. 280 CLOSER ON KIRK 280 SEEING his face through the spacesuit faceplate as he scans the darkness. SULU'S VOICE Bridge, Captain. We make Spock as 26 Mark 345 degrees off ship's axis. During which, Kirk spots something. 281 KIRK'S POV 281 Spock's STROBE blinker at a mile or so distance, nearing

key

How many times the word 'key' appears in the text?

ENERGY BOLT which instantly envelopes First Security Man in a PURPLE GLOW (of implosion). Second Security Man has almost lifted his phaser -- but now carefully, slowly is moving his hand away from his weapon. 210 CLOSER - THE SECURITY MEN (O) 210 PURPLE GLOW FADES, the First Security Man has simply vanished. 210A FULL SHOT - BRIDGE 210A Chekov, like the others, horrified, flips a switch and the COMPUTER-VOICE ("Intruder Alert") goes OFF. At the same time Chekov speaks into his intercom: CHEKOV Security... do not send further teams! The Probe is sending out snake-like tendrils to the various consoles on the bridge. These tendrils lash out in a cobra-strike movement, the tendril-head seeming to enter into the console affected -- at which time all monitors and instrument lights there come ON as if the Probe is "reading" each console function. The crew carefully stays clear of the tendrils. Spock has risen, moving to Kirk's side as he slowly brings his tricorder up, very carefully extracting its tiny sensor and aiming it at the probe. CHEKOV (shaken) No intruder readings on other decks, Captain... (to Spock) Can that be one of their crew? SPOCK (quiet) A probe from their vessel... (to Kirk) A plasma-energy combination... Meanwhile, the probe is now hovering near Chekov who sits frozen, fists clenched, jaw tight. DECKER Don't interfere with it...! CHEKOV Absolutely, I will not interfere! 210B ANGLE INCLUDING SPOCK'S CONSOLE (O) 210B as the "probe" withdraws an energy-tendril from one bridge station and "inserts" it into another console. KIRK No one interfere...! It doesn't seem interested in us -- only the ship...! Kirk's words are never completed as suddenly all the energy tendrils withdraw from all consoles and a larger, more powerful-looking tendril lashes out, snaking into the science console complex. 210C CLOSER ON SCIENCE CONSOLE 210C Where, also immediately, all the console and computer lights are suddenly flashing wildly, rapidly -- -- There is an incredibly fast EXCHANGE OF HIGH-PITCHED BEES -- the computer obviously in unauthorized commu- nication with the probe! KIRK Computer off! DECKER It's taken control of the computer...! KIRK It's running our records! Starfleet strength, Earth defenses... As Decker moves to the main power control, Spock now steps in, his Vulcan strength easily brushing Kirk and Decker aside. Spock clasps his fists above his head, brings it down in a SHATTERING BLOW on the console. It splits open! As the bridge lights dim even more, and as the science console shorts itself out -- and off, Decker confronts Spock: DECKER We could have cut it off at the main computer... SPOCK This served the purpose. Kirk has been giving Spock a puzzled look -- Spock now turns abruptly, and: 210D ANOTHER ANGLE (O) 210D as Spock, in stepping back, accidentally brushes the probe's energy tendril -- a FLASH OF LIGHT at the contact point sends Spock sinning under the rail and to the floor near Ilia. The probe's energy-tendril has withdrawn from the darkened science console, hov- ers high over the dazed Spock as if angrily seeking the reason for the break in its computer contact. Spock starts to rise. ILIA Mr. Spock, don't move...! Decker steps toward her, AD LIBBING a grim "Ilia...!" But he has no chance as: 211 OMITTED 211 - - 219 219 220 CLOSER ON ILIA (O) 220 The Probe hovers over her, its whole mass seemingly about to envelope her with a single tendril extended toward her, somehow freezing her into immobility - and then the entire Probe DISSOLVES IN A BLINDING FLASH OF WHITE, obscuring Ilia. Almost instantly the WHITE FLASH FADES -- but Ilia has vanished -- her tricorder clattering to the deck. 221 OMITTED 221 222 ACROSS THE NAVIGATOR'S STATION TO KIRK AND DECKER 222 helpless, shocked, gazing at the place Ilia was -- but which is now empty. DECKER (to Kirk, quiet fury) This is how I define unwarranted! And almost at the same moment a new BRIDGE ALARM SIGNAL. 223 OMITTED 223 - - 232 232 233 The ALARM still sounding as from the giant alien ves- 233 sel, we SEE STRANGE, OPAQUE ENERGY PATTERNS STREAKING TOWARD US. Kirk vaults to the command chair, lunges for controls, as Decker races to the weapons-defense console. DECKER (voice amplified) The ship is under attack...! Man all defensive stations...! KIRK Forcefields, full remaining strength...! Total reserve! Appropriate ALARM KLAXONS, and COMPUTER VOICES begin SOUNDING, and all this is lost in a SUDDEN SHRILLING SOUND (a constant, high-pitched tone). For a moment the energy patterns are prominent on the viewer -- and then the PATTERNS VANISHED and the SHRILL SOUND FADES -- and: 234 FAVOR THE VIEWER (O) 234 showing V'ger GROWING RAPIDLY IN SIZE. The Enterprise is being pulled along the length of the big ship, toward its "prow." SPOCK Captain, we have been seized by a tractor beam...! KIRK (to Decker) Get someone up here to take the Navigator's station...! (into intercom) Engineering... full emergency power! DECKER (into intercom) Chief Difalco to the bridge; on the double! 234A ENGINEERING 234A in a state of controlled chaos, all personnel at their stations, the Engine CORE GLOWING. Scott is working his controls, speaking into the intercom: SCOTT Going to full emergency... (studying readings) But Captain, if we don't break free in fifteen seconds, she'll burn up... 234B INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING SPOCK 234B as Spock studies his readings, and: SPOCK We cannot break free, Captain. (indicates monitors) We do not have a fraction of the power necessary. KIRK (into intercom) Delay that order, Scotty...! Disengage all main drive systems! Spock peers in deep concentration at the Main Viewer, trying to sense some clue. Kirk glances at him another moment, then turns to the Main Viewer himself, watches in frustrated helplessness. 235 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE BEING PULLED TOWARD V'GER (S) 235 the starship being pulled toward the giant as though on a taut cable. As we MOVE CLOSER, we SEE still more intricate details of the incredible Alien design. 236 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 236 as Difalco arrives on the run, and Decker AD LIBS to her, "Assume Navigator's station, Chief...!" Difalco, bewildered, wants to ask what happened, but no time, and she quickly sits at the post, begins orienting herself. Meanwhile, Decker has begun an Executive Officer's bridge circuit, assisting with various con- soles. Kirk is glancing toward Spock who continues concentrating on the Viewer, striving to comprehend the myriad of thoughts he is sensing from he Aliens. McCoy also arrives on the bridge, takes in the chaotic scene, watches the Viewer grimly. 237 OMITTED 237 - - 238 238 239 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER (S) 239 At the forward end of the giant, an odd-shapped "iris" begins opening menacingly. And it is frighteningly obvious that the tractor beam is pulling the Enterprise to the opening. 240 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 240 showing the unusual "iris" now almost fully open as Enterprise is drawn closer, closer -- through the "iris" we now SEE (some of) V'ger's interior: a dark void relieved only by strange flickering glows of dis- tant ENERGY FIELD PATTERNS. The crew reacts with understandable awe, apprehension, curiosity, as: DECKER Captain, suggest a maximum phaser strike directly at the beam might weaken it just enough for us to break free -- Spock replies for Kirk: quickly, as though to make his point convincingly: SPOCK Break free to where, Commander...? (to Kirk) Any show of resistance would not only be futile, Catain... 240XA ACROSS SPOCK TO KIRK (DECKER AND McCOY IN B.G.) 240XA as Kirk reacts somewhat curiously to Spock's remark, but it is Decker who articulates it: DECKER (troubled; suspicious) We don't know that, Mr. Spock. Why are you opposed to trying? Before Spock can reply: UHURA They're pulling us inside...! All face the Viewer again, react, with McCoy who has been observing all these reactions now galvanized into action: McCOY (to Chekov) Medical observers to all decks! And he hurries toward the elevators, CAMERA WITH HIM a moment, then SWINGING BACK TO: 240A PAST KIRK TO VIEWER (O) 240A Kirk staring at the viewer -- the "iris" now fully open so that the exterior of V'ger is no longer visible -- and all we can SEE is the monstrous void dead ahead, which is looming faster and larger before our eyes. And now we are inside. 241 OMITTED 241 - - 243 243 244 EXT. ENTERPRISE AND V'GER - AT THE "IRIS" (S) 244 Enterprise now being pulled past the opening -- into the ship proper. Now we can SEE that the dark void is actually a vast chamber, dimly and intermittently lit by POWERFIELDS appearing and vanishing along the vessel's inner walls, which are miles away in the distance. And here and there in the chamber gigantic ENERGY DISPLAYS erupt briefly with a certain symmetry that suggests they must be part of V'ger's ower or control systems. 245 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING VIEWER (O) 245 Kirk peering awed at the Viewer, the incredible sight of the chamber -- suddenly glances up to see that Spock is standing beside him -- Decker nearby, turns to Spock: DECKER (to Spock) Why bring us inside? Not to destroy us; they could have done that outside. KIRK They could have many ways of destroying things, Mr. Decker. SPOCK (peering at Viewer) Something about us puzzles them... perhaps even concerns them. 245A ANGLE ON UHURA 245A Reacting to a console reading: UHURA Captain, photic-sonar readings indicate the aperture is closing; we're trapped, sir...! 246 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE ENTERING V'GER (S) 246 The starship is pulled inside, the "iris" is closing behind it. 247 INT. BRIDGE - FAVORING THE VIEWER (O) 247 The viewer image changing from the huge dark chamber, rear angle shot, showing the "iris" closing. SULU Reverse angle on the viewer, Captain. On the viewer the final glimmer from exterior space as the "iris" closes completely. 248 REACTIONS 248 All eyes on the viewer, CAMERA FINDING ONE FACE AFTER ANOTHER, the reality of the situation etched into each face. Then: 248A FAVORING KIRK 248A As Spock turns from a reading: SPOCK The tractor beam has released us, Captain. DIFALCO Confirmed: Vessel is floating free. No forward momentum. KIRK Viewer ahead. SULU Viewer ahead, sir. 248B INSERT - MAIN VIEWER 248B Ahead, the cavernous interior of V'ger. 248C BACK TO SHOT 248C Kirk eying the main viewer -- Decker watching Kirk. KIRK Maneuvering thrusters, Mr. Sulu; ahead one third. (to Spock) Full sensor scan, Mr. Spock; they can't expect us not to look them over now! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters ahead, one third. SPOCK (manipulating controls) Commencing sensor scans. Kirk rises, goes to Spock's station. 249 INT. V'GER ENTRANCE CHAMBER - ENTERPRISE (S) 249 The Enterprise moving slowly forward in this vastness, its running lights merely specks of light, candles in the darkness. In the distance those occasional ERUPT- ING POWER DISPLAYS in distant locations, sizes, shapes and patterns. 250 INT. BRIDGE - INCLUDING MAIN VIEWER (O) 250 showing another persective of the above, and further away GLOWING ENERGY FIELDS dimly illuminating the alien ship's walls -- miles away. Strange semi--solid LIGHT SHAPES (some are "sensor-bee" swarms) traverse the dark- ness in random directions. But in the distance ahead, there seems to be an opening to another chamber. SULU (of Viewer) Something ahead, sir; looks like another area... (reacts) It's closing up...! Sulu is indicating what appears to be a lace-bulwark of POWERFIELD PATTERNS closing off the "chamber" in the distance ahead. Kirk, from the Science Station calls out: KIRK Hold station...! SULU (manipulating controls) Thrusters at station keeping... 251 ANGLE EMPHASIZING SPOCK 251 at his Science consoles, working rapidly, shifting from one set of controls to another. Now he hits a master control -- his console monitors FLASH, then go dark. SPOCK Captain... Spock brings a monitor IMAGE ON again, indicates a (Povill) pattern showing a line hitting something, then reversing direction. SPOCK (continuing) All scans are being reflected back, Captain. Our sensors are useless. 251A ACROSS THEM TO THE MAIN VIEWER 251A Kirk reacts with disappointment, indicates the main viewer. KIRK Have you been able to analyze any of this...? SPOCK (voice increasingly reverential) I believe the light flares to be energy fields -- undoubtedly part of the vessel's inner mechanism. A technology so incredibly sophisticated that I cannot -- COMPUTER VOICE (overlapping) Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert..! (continues) 252 OMITTED 252 - - 253 253 254 ANGLE ON CHEKOV 254 Reacting to a console reading: CHEKOV Deck four, Captain; Officers' Quarters...! KIRK (to Chekov) Have a security team meet me at Deck Four main elevator! A moment's reaction from all at this, Kirk hurrying toward elevator, calling: KIRK (continuing) Take the conn, Mr. Decker: Hold present position... (gesturing Spock to join him) Spock... And Spock rises, joins Kirk and they hurriedly exit, the CAMERA SWINGING BACK to Decker, his perplexed con- cern (because of Ilia). 254A INT. ILIA'S CABIN - THE SONIC SHOWER 254A Where we SEE, behind the translucent stall door, what is unmistakably the form of the NUDE FEMALE. 255 INT. ILIA'S CABIN - KIRK 255 entering, Spock slightly behind him - and one Security Guard. Kirk glances around the room, now glances at the shower area and reacts as he sees the NAKED FORM. The others react similarly, even Spock cannot help re- pressing an expression of surprise. A moment's uncer- tainty as Kirk peers at them, then he steps to the stall door, hesitates another instant -- then slides the door open. (NOTE: Arrange lighting for bizarre, mysterious effect.) Kirk's eyes cannot believe what he is seeing: 255A "ILIA" 255A standing in the sonic mist, naked but for a small multi-colored button embedded in her throat. As she looks at Kirk -- and the others -- the men peer back at her, speechless. "ILIA" I have been programmed by V'ger to observe and record normal functioning of the carbon-based units infesting USS ENTERPRISE. Kirk peers at her another nonplussed moment, then leans into the shower to touch a control, his eyes fixed on the lovely body behind the mist. He punches in a three digit code. Immediately a HUMMING SOUND emanates from the shower stall, Kirk closing the door, but 'Ilia" remaining inside. 256 ACROSS KIRK AND THE OTHERS TO THE SHOWER STALL 256 The HUMMING SOUND just now reaching a gentle crescendo -- through the translucent door you can see COLORS ENVELOPING "ILIA'S" FORM. And now the SOUND STOPS. "Ilia", attired in a leisure robe, steps from the stall, into the room. She stands facing Kirk, her face impas- sive, eyes unblinking. He looks her back a moment, then glances at Spock, who is gazing at "Ilia" in abso- lute fascination. Kirk addresses her: KIRK Who is...'V'ger'...? "ILIA" V'ger is that which programmed me. KIRK Is V'ger the Captain of the alien vessel? 256A ANGLE ON THE DOOR - McCOY 256A rushing in, concerned: McCOY Jim, what's -- At the sight of 'Ilia", McCoy's words die in his throat -- and his trained eyes have instantly told him some- thing is awry. He unslings his tricorder, aims the sensor unit at "Ilia". As he reads his instruments, his face reveals the results (incredulity, fascination). Meanwhile, from the start: "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. McCOY (of "Ilia") Jim, this is a mechanism...! Kirk stares at McCoy, then at "Ilia" and realizes that "Ilia" is indeed non-human. And quickly: KIRK Where is Lt. Ilia? "ILIA" That unit no longer functions. I have been given its form to more readily communicate with the carbon-based units infesting Enterprise. SECURITY GUARD "Carbon-based units"...? McCOY (drily) Humans, Ensign Lang: us. (continues tricorder exam, increasingly impressed) KIRK (to "Ilia") Why does V'ger travel to the third planet of the solar system directly ahead? "ILIA" V'ger travels to the third planet to find the Creator. Stunned, disbelieving reactions as all four attempt to digest this -- Spock gazing at "Ilia" with even more rapt fascination. Kirk, bewildered, addresses the others: KIRK Find the Creator? What Creator? Whose...!? (to "Ilia") What does V'ger want of the 'Creator'... ? "ILIA" To join with him. 256B FAVORING SPOCK 256B suddenly alert, addressing "Ilia": SPOCK Join with the Creator... ? How? "ILIA" V'ger and the Creator will become One. SPOCK Who is the Creator? McCOY (worried) Mr. Spock, be careful. "ILIA" The Creator is that which created V'ger. KIRK Who is V'ger? "ILIA" V'ger is that which seeks the Creator. Another moment of total exasperation, frustration, during which "Ilia" seems to be waiting politely, patiently for any further questions. When none are forthcoming: "ILIA" (continuing; pleasant, bland) I am ready to commence my observations. SPOCK (fast; to McCoy) Doctor, a thorough examination of this probe might provide some insight into those who manufactured it, and how to deal with them. McCOY Let's get her to sickbay. And he grasps "Ilia's" arm to escort her. But is as though he has seized cast iron: immovable. McCoy is thrown off balance merely by 'Ilia's" remaining sta- tionary. She ignores McCoy, addresses Kirk: "ILIA" I am programmed to observe and record normal functioning procedures of the carbon-based units. 256B Kirk glances at McCoy, who is totally bemused, but then 256B Kirk quickly responds to "Ilia": KIRK The examination is a normal function. "ILIA" (a beat) You may proceede. McCOY (carefully) Thank you. 257 CLOSE SHOT OF EXAMINING ROOM VIEWER (O) 257 scanning a "body". PULL BACK TO SHOW McCoy, Chapel, Kirk, Spock and Chekov -- standing over "ILIA" who lies prone on the table, the physicians moving the scanner over her. McCOY (from the start; indicating) ... micro-miniature hydraulics, sensors, molecule-sized multi- processor chips... and look at this... In the b.g., Decker enters, grimly observes the proceed- ings. CHAPEL (impressed) An osmotic micro-pump... here and here. Even the smallest body functions are exactly duplicated. (traces with finger on screen) And every exocrine system is here, too -- Chapel breaks off abruptly, noticing "Ilia" is peering intently -- almost with a glimmer of recognition -- at Decker. Slightly disconcerted, Chapel continues: CHAPEL (continuing) -- even eye moisture. "ILIA" (peering at Decker) Deck -- er. 257A FAVORING SPOCK 257A as everyone reacts to "Ilia's" utterance of Decker's name. It seems to make the deepest impression on Spock, confirming something he has suspected. SPOCK (to "Ilia") Interesting. Not 'Decker-unit'? "Ilia" continues peering at Decker with just a hint of a puzzled frown, a glimmer of distant recognition. It's the first time we've seen her expression look anything but cool and bland. This results in the quizzical rising of one of Spock's eyebrows. 258 ANOTHER ANGLE 258 McCoy's examination now turns "Ilia" away from the others. Spock quickly catches Kirk's and Decker's attention, indicates an adjoining door -- they fol- low him out of the room. 259 INT. McCOY'S OFFICE 259 as Kirk, Spock and Decker enter, the door snapping shut -- and Spock touching the electronic lock to secure them. He faces the others: SPOCK Captain... this probe may be a key a key to the Aliens. DECKER It's a programmed mechanism, Mr. Spock... SPOCK We have just seen that its body duplicates our navigator in precise detail. Suppose that beneath its programming, the real Ilia's memory patterns are duplicated with equal precision. KIRK They had a pattern to follow... SPOCK (nods) ... they may have followed it too precisely. KIRK (comprehending) Ilia's memory, her feelings of loyalty, friendship, obedience... might all be there. 259A ANGLE ON DECKER 259A also comprehending, and not liking it one bit as Spock and Kirk are both turning their attention to him. SPOCK Exactly. (to Decker) And you did have a 'relationship' with Lieutenant Ilia, Commander. DECKER That probe in there -- in a different form now -- is the same thing that killed Ilia! KIRK Commander, we're locked in an alien vessel, six hours from Earth orbit, our only contact with our captors is the probe. If we can control it, persuade it, use it in some way... Interrupted by the SOUND of someone trying to open the locked door behind them. Then a METAL RIPPING SOUND as they whirl to see: 260 MEDICAL OFFICE DOOR 260 with the METAL BUCKLING, TEARING -- and a single hand slicing the steel door like paper. It is the "Ilia" probe, her face absolutely impassive, her whole manner incongruously benign. (Behind her, a startled McCoy, Chapel and Chekov.) "Ilia" speaks flatly, blandly. "ILIA" I have recorded enough here. (motions to Kirk) You will now assist me further. Kirk exchanges a quick glance with Spock. Then: KIRK (indicating Decker) The Decker-unit can assist you with much greater efficiency... "Ilia" has seemed about to object -- but now her eyes hold on Decker. Then she nods. KIRK (continuing) Carry on with your assignment, Mr. Decker. 260A ANOTHER ANGLE - ACROSS DECKER TO THE SMASHED DOOR 260A (AND "ILIA") as Decker looks at "Ilia" who stands at the torn door. You can read Decker's mind: I'm supposed to persuade that?! He turns back, finds Kirk's eyes on him. Decker nods. DECKER Aye, sir. "Ilia" and a reluctant Decker EXIT. 260B EMPHASIZING SPOCK 260B looking very troubled as they watch Decker and "Ilia" leave. Kirk notices. KIRK Spock? Concerned about his chances? SPOCK I am uneasy with that being our only hope of more information. Spock EXITS. 261 INT. V'GER - THE ENTERPRISE 261 floating in the vast, eerie, alien chamber -- sporadic FLASHES OF ENERGY, erupting now and then. Various other EFFECTS. OVER this, Kirk's VOICE: KIRK (V.O.) Captain's Log. Stardate 7414.1. Our best estimates place us some four hours from Earth. No significant Ilia memory patterns within the alien probe. This remains our only means of contact with our captor. 262 INT. ENTERPRISE AIRLOCK AREA 262 The area dimly lit -- unoccupied but for a lone AIRLOCK TECHNICIAN checking and adjusting instruments. The CAMERA MOVES PAST him to FIND: 263 SPOCK 263 His face fixed with grim determination, walking quietly with obvious intent not to attract the Tech's attention. Now he steals up behind the TECH -- and in an instant has applied a Vulcan nerve pinch. The Tech slumps over his console. 264 INT KIRK'S CABIN - VIEWER MONITOR 264 Showing a CLOSE SHOT of ENTERPRISE PICTURES, then PULL BACK SLIGHTLY for an IMAGE of Decker and "Ilia" walk- ing through the Rec Deck. PULL BACK FURTHER TO SHOW Kirk watching this -- and with him is McCoy. They continue watching a troubled beat, as: DECKER (of pictures) All these vessels were called "Enterprise". "Ilia" is giving the pictures a very interested look as we HEAR in Kirk's cabin: UHURA'S INTERCOM VOICE (controlled excitement) Bridge to Captain... 265 OMITTED 265 266 INT. BRIDGE - UHURA'S STATION (SCIENCE STATION IN 266 B.G.) Uhura at her console, struggling to hear the signal. KIRK'S INTERCOM VOICE Kirk here. In the b.g., Spock's station a MAINTENANCE TEAM is replacing the broken Science Station computer. (Spock is conspicuously absent.) UHURA A faint signal from Starfleet, sir. They have the intruder on their monitors... (struggling to hear) They show us... three hours... twenty-four minutes from Earth! KIRK'S VOICE (thru intercom) Thank you. 267 INT. RECREATION DECK 267 Decker and "Ilia", the Rec Deck unoccupied but for a pair of wary SECURITY GUARDS at a very discreet dis- tance. They are near the pictures of the five Enter- prises, which should be FEATURED in this SHOT, as Decker waves his hand about the huge room. DECKER The carbon units use this area for recreation... (carefully) What type of recreation does the crew aboard your vessel enjoy...? 268 CLOSER TWO SHOT (PICTURES O.S.) 268 As "Ilia" moves on into the room, Decker follows: "ILIA" The words 'recreation' and 'enjoy' have no meaning to my programming. Decker peers at the lovely android with frustration -- and no little pain, for she is after all the exact replica of Ilia. She pays not the slightest attention to Decker's reaction, and begins walking about the Rec Deck taking in (and, clearly, transmitting all images to V'ger) the sights. They are near a game area (elec- tronic games), and now Decker points to one game, switches it on -- presses button to activate its LIGHTS and SOUNDS. "Ilia" watches interestedly as Decker operates the game. DECKER Ilia 'enjoyed' this game... she nearly always won -- And he demonstrates again, as "Ilia" steps to the device, deftly hits some buttons -- and for just an instant she turns to Decker with a momentary glimmer of recognition. 269 INT. KIRK'S CABIN - GROUP WATCHING THE MONITOR 269 McCoy watching with special interest: McCOY (approving) Good! He's using audial-visual association. But the words are not out of McCoy's mouth when "Ilia" says: "ILIA" This device serves no purpose. She steps away from the game; Decker's disappointment is evident. So is everyone elses. KIRK Damn...! McCOY (nods grimly) She needs something else: something much more personal to stimulate memory patterns. Something with a more emotional tie. Kirk reacts to this, reflective. 270 INT. REC DECK FULL ON DECKER AND "ILIA" 270 Decker waving back toward the general area of the Enterprise pictures. DECKER The crews of the previous Enterprises were also carbon units. In what way is the life form in your vessel different? "ILIA" Carbon units are not true life forms... Do those images repre- sent how Enterprise has evolved into its present form? DECKER (hoping he's struck a responsive chord) Yes. "ILIA" Carbon units have clearly retarded Enterprise's proper evolvement. DECKER (controlling surprise) What is Enterprise's proper evolvement? "ILIA" Enterprise should not require the presence of carbon units. And with this she moves off, observing other Rec Deck objects. Decker moves with her; then: DECKER (carefully) Enterprise would be unable to function without carbon units. "ILIA" More data concerning this functioning is necessary before carbon units can be patterned for data storage. 271 ACROSS "ILIA" TO DECKER 271 as he reacts to this ominous note; he stops abruptly. DECKER What does that mean? "ILIA" (stopping; almost pleasantly) When my examination is complete, the carbon units will be reduced to data patterns. This has been delivered with chilling blandness, and she stands facing Decker, almost as though waiting for him to thank her. He thinks fast now. DECKER Within you are memory patterns of a carbon unit. If I can help you revive these patterns; you could understand our functions better. "ILIA" That is logical. You may procede. 272 ON DECKER 272 realizing the difficult task ahead; the pain he will suffer. 273 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE (M) 273 The ship stationary in the chamber as now we SEE an exterior hatch sliding fully open. Up through the hatch a circular airlock door opens -- and a tiny figure in a thruster spacesuit emerges, steps into space, slowly floats down through the hatch and under the Enterprise saucer section. In this and subsequent VIEWS we will SEE that on the rear pack of his thruster spacesuit is a FLASHING STROBE LIGHT which regularly EMITS the identifying SIGNAL of this particular suit. (By which Kirk will be able to see Spock's position even from several miles away.) 274 CLOSER ON THE SPACESUITED FIGURE (M) 274 MOVING TOWARD the CAMERA until the features behind the face mask are clearly identifiable: Spock, his face set in the same grim, determined expression, as he touches his spacesuit transmitter control. SPOCK Computer, commence recording. Captain Kirk -- this message will detail my attempt to contact the aliens... 275 INT. BRIDGE 275 Kirk ENTERING, crossing Uhura as she calls: UHURA Starfleet signals, sir, growing in strength... (listening intently) They -- have Intruder on their monitors -- it's decelerating -- powerfield cloud beginning to dissipate... SULU Confirm, Captain. Lunar beacons indicate Intruder on a course into Earth orbit... CHEKOV (interrupting) Sir! Airlock four has been opened; a thruster suit is reported missing! KIRK (reacts knowingly) Spock...! (to navigator) Get a fix on his position! 276 INT. V'GER - MED. ON SPOCK 276 His features now set into an almost trance-like expres- sion as he concentrates on the thought emanations. Then we SEE his head turn, he peers off -- then he moves his thruster controls. We SEE the small blue jets of his thrusters -- his spacesuit figure begins to move off in the direction he was concentrating upon. 277 ANOTHER ANGLE - SPOCK 277 His thrusters moving him across V'ger's vast chamber then dropping down into a deep "trough"-like area which stretches into the distance ahead of him. A cloud of CRYSTAL FORMS (Kirk's entrapment) become visible to one side but Spock passes them at some dis- tance and does not attract them. We can SEE more clearly now the point on the inner wall of the trough toward which Spock is heading. It is an unusual combination of GLOWING FORCEFIELDS which seem to mark this point of the vessel as of some importance. (Here, also, we will become aware of "sensor-bee" swarms, intermittently darting toward this same wall from all points of the chamber.) 278 INT. AIRLOCK AREA 278 SHOWING Kirk in a thruster spacesuit, helmet being readied by AIRLOCK TECHNICIANS. McCoy is also here, arguing with Kirk: KIRK (from the start) ... I don't want him stopped, Bones; I want him to lead me to whatever's out there...! McCOY And if that 'whatever' has taken over his mind....? KIRK Then he'll have still led me to it, won't he? And Kirk steps into the airlock door, hits a control -- it begins sliding closed behind him. 279 INT. V'GER - ANGLE UP TOWARD ENTERPRISE 279 UP THROUGH the circular airlock door as it slides open -- and Kirk's tiny spacesuited figure floats down clear of the saucer. 280 CLOSER ON KIRK 280 SEEING his face through the spacesuit faceplate as he scans the darkness. SULU'S VOICE Bridge, Captain. We make Spock as 26 Mark 345 degrees off ship's axis. During which, Kirk spots something. 281 KIRK'S POV 281 Spock's STROBE blinker at a mile or so distance, nearing

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How many times the word 'what' appears in the text?