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As he said this, he heard a step behind them, and turning round saw Wallachia there almost before he could drop his arm. "I am sorry that I have intruded on you," she said very grimly. "Not in the least," said Mr. Glascock. "Caroline and I have had a little dispute, but we have settled it without coming to blows." "I do not suppose that an English gentleman ever absolutely strikes a lady," said Wallachia Petrie. "Not except on strong provocation," said Mr. Glascock. "In reference to wives, a stick is allowed as big as your thumb." "I have heard that it is so by the laws of England," said Wallachia. "How can you be so ridiculous, Wally!" said Caroline. "There is nothing that you would not believe." "I hope that it may never be true in your case," said Wallachia. A couple of days after this Miss Spalding found that it was absolutely necessary that she should explain the circumstances of her position to Nora. She had left Nora with the purpose of performing a very high-minded action, of sacrificing herself for the sake of her lover, of giving up all her golden prospects, and of becoming once again the bosom friend of Wallachia Petrie, with this simple consolation for her future life,--that she had refused to marry an English nobleman because the English nobleman's condition was unsuited to her. It would have been an episode in female life in which pride might be taken;--but all that was now changed. She had made her little attempt,--had made it, as she felt, in a very languid manner, and had found herself treated as a child for doing so. Of course she was happy in her ill success; of course she would have been broken-hearted had she succeeded. But, nevertheless, she was somewhat lowered in her own esteem, and it was necessary that she should acknowledge the truth to the friend whom she had consulted. A day or two had passed before she found herself alone with Nora, but when she did so she confessed her failure at once. "You told him all, then?" said Nora. "Oh yes, I told him all. That is, I could not really tell him. When the moment came I had no words." "And what did he say?" "He had words enough. I never knew him to be eloquent before." "He can speak out if he likes," said Nora. "So I have found,--with a vengeance. Nobody was ever so put down as I was. Don't you know that there are times when it does not seem to be worth your while to put out your strength against an adversary? So it was with him. He just told me that he was my master, and that I was to do as he bade me." "And what did you say?" "I promised to be a good girl," said Caroline, "and not to pretend to have any opinion of my own ever again. And so we kissed, and were friends." "I dare say there was a kiss, my dear." "Of course there was;--and he held me in his arms, and comforted me, and told me how to behave;--just as you would do a little girl. It's all over now, of course; and if there be a mistake, it is his fault. I feel that all responsibility is gone from myself, and that for all the rest of my life I have to do just what he tells me." "And what says the divine Wallachia?" "Poor Wally! She says nothing, but she thinks that I am a castaway and a recreant. I am a recreant, I know;--but yet I think that I was right. I know I could not help myself." "Of course you were right, my dear," said the sage Nora. "If you had the notion in your head, it was wise to get rid of it; but I knew how it would be when you spoke to him." "You were not so weak when he came to you." "That was altogether another thing. It was not arranged in heaven that I was to become his captive." After that Wallachia Petrie never again tried her influence on her former friend, but admitted to herself that the evil was done, and that it could not be remedied. According to her theory of life, Caroline Spalding had been wrong, and weak,--had shewn herself to be comfort-loving and luxuriously-minded, had looked to get her happiness from soft effeminate pleasures rather than from rational work and the useful, independent exercise of her own intelligence. In the privacy of her little chamber Wallachia Petrie shed,--not absolute tears,--but many tearful thoughts over her friend. It was to her a thing very terrible that the chosen one of her heart should prefer the career of an English lord's wife to that of an American citizeness, with all manner of capability for female voting, female speech-making, female poetising, and, perhaps, female political action before her. It was a thousand pities! "You may take a horse to water,"--said Wallachia to herself, thinking of the ever-freshly springing fountain of her own mind, at which Caroline Spalding would always have been made welcome freely to quench her thirst,--"but you cannot make him drink if he be not athirst." In the future she would have no friend. Never again would she subject herself to the disgrace of such a failure. But the sacrifice was to be made, and she knew that it was bootless to waste her words further on Caroline Spalding. She left Florence before the wedding, and returned alone to the land of liberty. She wrote a letter to Caroline explaining her conduct, and Caroline Spalding shewed the letter to her husband,--as one that was both loving and eloquent. "Very loving and very eloquent," he said. "But, nevertheless, one does think of sour grapes." "There I am sure you wrong her," said Caroline. CHAPTER LXXXII. MRS. FRENCH'S CARVING KNIFE. During these days there were terrible doings at Exeter. Camilla had sworn that if Mr. Gibson did not come to, there should be a tragedy, and it appeared that she was inclined to keep her word. Immediately after the receipt of her letter from Mr. Gibson she had had an interview with that gentleman in his lodgings, and had asked him his intentions. He had taken measures to fortify himself against such an attack; but, whatever those measures were, Camilla had broken through them. She had stood before him as he sat in his arm-chair, and he had been dumb in her presence. It had perhaps been well for him that the eloquence of her indignation had been so great that she had hardly been able to pause a moment for a reply. "Will you take your letter back again?" she had said. "I should be wrong to do that," he had lisped out in reply, "because it is true. As a Christian minister I could not stand with you at the altar with a lie in my mouth." In no other way did he attempt to excuse himself,--but that, twice repeated, filled up all the pause which she made for him. [Illustration: Camilla's wrath.] There never had been such a case before,--so impudent, so cruel, so gross, so uncalled for, so unmanly, so unnecessary, so unjustifiable, so damnable,--so sure of eternal condemnation! All this she said to him with loud voice, and clenched fist, and starting eyes,--regardless utterly of any listeners on the stairs, or of outside passers in the street. In very truth she was moved to a sublimity of indignation. Her low nature became nearly poetic under the wrong inflicted upon her. She was almost tempted to tear him with her hands, and inflict upon him at the moment some terrible vengeance which should be told of for ever in the annals of Exeter. A man so mean as he, so weak, so cowardly, one so little of a hero;--that he should dare to do it, and dare to sit there before her, and to say that he would do it! "Your gown shall be torn off your back, sir, and the very boys of Exeter shall drag you through the gutters!" To this threat he said nothing, but sat mute, hiding his face in his hands. "And now tell me this, sir;--is there anything between you and Bella?" But there was no voice in reply. "Answer my question, sir. I have a right to ask it." Still he said not a word. "Listen to me. Sooner than that you and she should be man and wife, I would stab her! Yes, I would;--you poor, paltry, lying, cowardly creature!" She remained with him for more than half an hour, and then banged out of the room flashing back a look of scorn at him as she went. Martha, before that day was over, had learned the whole story from Mr. Gibson's cook, and had told her mistress. "I did not think he had so much spirit in him," was Miss Stanbury's answer. Throughout Exeter the great wonder arising from the crisis was the amount of spirit which had been displayed by Mr. Gibson. When he was left alone he shook himself, and began to think that if there were danger that such interviews might occur frequently he had better leave Exeter for good. As he put his hand over his forehead, he declared to himself that a very little more of that kind of thing would kill him. When a couple of hours had passed over his head he shook himself again, and sat down and wrote a letter to his intended mother-in-law. I do not mean to complain [he said], God knows I have no right; but I cannot stand a repetition of what has occurred just now. If your younger daughter comes to see me again I must refuse to see her, and shall leave the town. I am ready to make what reparation may be possible for the mistake into which I have fallen. T. G. Mrs. French was no doubt much afraid of her younger daughter, but she was less afraid of her than were other people. Familiarity, they say, breeds contempt; and who can be so familiar with a child as its parent? She did not in her heart believe that Camilla would murder anybody, and she fully realised the conviction that, even after all that was come and gone, it would be better that one of her daughters should have a husband than that neither should be so blessed. If only Camilla could be got out of Exeter for a few months,--how good a thing it would be for them all! She had a brother in Gloucester,--if only he could be got to take Camilla for a few months! And then, too, she knew that if the true rights of her two daughters were strictly and impartially examined, Arabella's claim was much stronger than any that Camilla could put forward to the hand of Mr. Gibson. "You must not go there again, Camilla," the mother said. "I shall go whenever I please," replied the fury. "Now, Camilla, we may as well understand each other. I will not have it done. If I am provoked, I will send to your uncle at Gloucester." Now the uncle at Gloucester was a timber merchant, a man with protuberant eyes and a great square chin,--known to be a very stern man indeed, and not at all afraid of young women. "What do I care for my uncle? My uncle would take my part." "No, he would not. The truth is, Camilla, you interfered with Bella first." "Mamma, how dare you say so!" "You did, my dear. And these are the consequences." "And you mean to say that she is to be Mrs. Gibson?" "I say nothing about that. But I do not see why they shouldn't be married if their hearts are inclined to each other." "I will die first!" "Your dying has nothing to do with it, Camilla." "And I will kill her!" "If you speak to me again in that way I will write to your uncle at Gloucester. I have done the best I could for you both, and I will not bear such treatment." "And how am I treated?" "You should not have interfered with your sister." "You are all in a conspiracy together," shouted Camilla, "you are! There never was anybody so badly treated,--never,--never,--never! What will everybody say of me?" "They will pity you, if you will be quiet." "I don't want to be pitied;--I won't be pitied. I wish I could die,--and I will die! Anybody else would, at any rate, have had their mother and sister with them!" Then she burst into a flood of real, true, womanly tears. After this there was a lull at Heavitree for a few days. Camilla did not speak to her sister, but she condescended to hold some intercourse with her mother, and to take her meals at the family table. She did not go out of the house, but she employed herself in her own room, doing no one knew what, with all that new clothing and household gear which was to have been transferred in her train to Mr. Gibson's house. Mrs. French was somewhat uneasy about the new clothing and household gear, feeling that, in the event of Bella's marriage, at least a considerable portion of it must be transferred to the new bride. But it was impossible at the present moment to open such a subject to Camilla;--it would have been as a proposition to a lioness respecting the taking away of her whelps. Nevertheless, the day must soon come in which something must be said about the clothing and household gear. All the property that had been sent into the house at Camilla's orders could not be allowed to remain as Camilla's perquisites, now that Camilla was not to be married. "Do you know what she is doing, my dear?" said Mrs. French to her elder daughter. "Perhaps she is picking out the marks," said Bella. "I don't think she would do that as yet," said Mrs. French. "She might just as well leave it alone," said Bella, feeling that one of the two letters would do for her. But neither of them dared to speak to her of her occupation in these first days of her despair. Mr. Gibson in the meantime remained at home, or only left his house to go to the Cathedral or to visit the narrow confines of his little parish. When he was out he felt that everybody looked at him, and it seemed to him that people whispered about him when they saw him at his usual desk in the choir. His friends passed him merely bowing to him, and he was aware that he had done that which would be regarded by every one around him as unpardonable. And yet,--what ought he to have done? He acknowledged to himself that he had been very foolish, mad,--quite demented at the moment,--when he allowed himself to think it possible that he should marry Camilla French. But having found out how mad he had been at that moment, having satisfied himself that to live with her as his wife would be impossible, was he not right to break the engagement? Could anything be so wicked as marrying a woman whom he--hated? Thus he tried to excuse himself; but yet he knew that all the world would condemn him. Life in Exeter would be impossible, if no way to social pardon could be opened for him. He was willing to do anything within bounds in mitigation of his offence. He would give up fifty pounds a year to Camilla for his life,--or he would marry Bella. Yes; he would marry Bella at once,--if Camilla would only consent, and give up that idea of stabbing some one. Bella French was not very nice in his eyes; but she was quiet, he thought, and it might be possible to live with her. Nevertheless, he told himself over and over again that the manner in which unmarried men with incomes were set upon by ladies in want of husbands was very disgraceful to the country at large. That mission to Natal which had once been offered to him would have had charms for him now, of which he had not recognised the force when he rejected it. "Do you think that he ever was really engaged to her?" Dorothy said to her aunt. Dorothy was now living in a seventh heaven of happiness, writing love-letters to Brooke Burgess every other day, and devoting to this occupation a number of hours of which she ought to have been ashamed; making her purchases for her wedding,--with nothing, however, of the magnificence of a Camilla,--but discussing everything with her aunt, who urged her on to extravagances which seemed beyond the scope of her own economical ideas; settling, or trying to settle, little difficulties which perplexed her somewhat, and wondering at her own career. She could not of course be married without the presence of her mother and sister, and her aunt,--with something of a grim courtesy,--had intimated that they should be made welcome to the house in the Close for the special occasion. But nothing had been said about Hugh. The wedding was to be in the Cathedral, and Dorothy had a little scheme in her head for meeting her brother among the aisles. He would no doubt come down with Brooke, and nothing perhaps need be said about it to Aunt Stanbury. But still it was a trouble. Her aunt had been so good that Dorothy felt that no step should be taken which would vex the old woman. It was evident enough that when permission had been given for the visit of Mrs. Stanbury and Priscilla, Hugh's name had been purposely kept back. There had been no accidental omission. Dorothy, therefore, did not dare to mention it,--and yet it was essential for her happiness that he should be there. At the present moment Miss Stanbury's intense interest in the Stanbury wedding was somewhat mitigated by the excitement occasioned by Mr. Gibson's refusal to be married. Dorothy was so shocked that she could not bring herself to believe the statement that had reached them through Martha. "Of course he was engaged to her. We all knew that," said Miss Stanbury. "I think there must have been some mistake," said Dorothy. "I don't see how he could do it." "There is no knowing what people can do, my dear, when they're hard driven. I suppose we shall have a lawsuit now, and he'll have to pay ever so much money. Well, well, well! see what a deal of trouble you might have saved!" "But he'd have done the same to me, aunt;--only, you know, I never could have taken him. Isn't it better as it is, aunt? Tell me." "I suppose young women always think it best when they can get their own ways. An old woman like me has only got to do what she is bid." "But this was best, aunt;--was it not?" "My dear, you've had your way, and let that be enough. Poor Camilla French is not allowed to have hers at all. Dear, dear, dear! I didn't think the man would ever have been such a fool to begin with;--or that he would ever have had the heart to get out of it afterwards." It astonished Dorothy to find that her aunt was not loud in reprobation of Mr. Gibson's very dreadful conduct. In the meantime Mrs. French had written to her brother at Gloucester. The maid-servant, in making Miss Camilla's bed, and in "putting the room to rights," as she called it,--which description probably was intended to cover the circumstances of an accurate search,--had discovered, hidden among some linen,--a carving knife! such a knife as is used for the cutting up of fowls; and, after two days' interval, had imparted the discovery to Mrs. French. Instant visit was made to the pantry, and it was found that a very aged but unbroken and sharply-pointed weapon was missing. Mrs. French at once accused Camilla, and Camilla, after some hesitation, admitted that it might be there. Molly, she said, was a nasty, sly, wicked thing, to go looking in her drawers, and she would never leave anything unlocked again. The knife, she declared, had been taken up-stairs, because she had wanted something very sharp to cut,--the bones of her stays. The knife was given up, but Mrs. French thought it best to write to her brother, Mr. Crump. She was in great doubt about sundry matters. Had the carving knife really pointed to a domestic tragedy;--and if so, what steps ought a poor widow to take with such a daughter? And what ought to be done about Mr. Gibson? It ran through Mrs. French's mind that unless something were done at once, Mr. Gibson would escape scot free. It was her wish that he should yet become her son-in-law. Poor Bella was entitled to her chance. But if Bella was to be disappointed,--from fear of carving knives, or for other reasons,--then there came the question whether Mr. Gibson should not be made to pay in purse for the mischief he had done. With all these thoughts and doubts running through her head, Mrs. French wrote to her brother at Gloucester. There came back an answer from Mr. Crump, in which that gentleman expressed a very strong idea that Mr. Gibson should be prosecuted for damages with the utmost virulence, and with the least possible delay. No compromise should be accepted. Mr. Crump would himself come to Exeter and see the lawyer as soon as he should be told that there was a lawyer to be seen. As to the carving knife, Mr. Crump was of opinion that it did not mean anything. Mr. Crump was a gentleman who did not believe in strong romance, but who had great trust in all pecuniary claims. The Frenches had always been genteel. The late Captain French had been an officer in the army, and at ordinary times and seasons the Frenches were rather ashamed of the Crump connection. But now the timber merchant might prove himself to be a useful friend. Mrs. French shewed her brother's letter to Bella,--and poor Bella was again sore-hearted, seeing that nothing was said in it of her claims. "It will be dreadful scandal to have it all in the papers!" said Bella. "But what can we do?" "Anything would be better than that," said Bella. "And you don't want to punish Mr. Gibson, mamma." "But, my dear, you see what your uncle says. What can I do, except go to him for advice?" "Why don't you go to Mr. Gibson yourself, mamma?" But nothing was said to Camilla about Mr. Crump;--nothing as yet. Camilla did not love Mr. Crump, but there was no other house except that of Mr. Crump's at Gloucester to which she might be sent, if it could be arranged that Mr. Gibson and Bella should be made one. Mrs. French took her eldest daughter's advice, and went to Mr. Gibson;--taking Mr. Crump's letter in her pocket. For herself she wanted nothing,--but was it not the duty of her whole life to fight for her daughters? Poor woman! If somebody would only have taught her how that duty might best be done, she would have endeavoured to obey the teaching. "You know I do not want to threaten you," she said to Mr. Gibson; "but you see what my brother says. Of course I wrote to my brother. What could a poor woman do in such circumstances except write to her brother?" "If you choose to set the bloodhounds of the law at me, of course you can," said Mr. Gibson. "I do not want to go to law at all;--God knows I do not!" said Mrs. French. Then there was a pause. "Poor dear Bella!" ejaculated Mrs. French. "Dear Bella!" echoed Mr. Gibson. "What do you mean to do about Bella?" asked Mrs. French. "I sometimes think that I had better take poison and have done with it!" said Mr. Gibson, feeling himself to be very hard pressed. CHAPTER LXXXIII. BELLA VICTRIX. Mr. Crump arrived at Exeter. Camilla was not told of his coming till the morning of the day on which he arrived; and then the tidings were communicated, because it was necessary that a change should be made in the bed-rooms. She and her sister had separate rooms when there was no visitor with them, but now Mr. Crump must be accommodated. There was a long consultation between Bella and Mrs. French, but at last it was decided that Bella should sleep with her mother. There would still be too much of the lioness about Camilla to allow of her being regarded as a safe companion through the watches of the night. "Why is Uncle Jonas coming now?" she asked. "I thought it better to ask him," said Mrs. French. After a long pause, Camilla asked another question. "Does Uncle Jonas mean to see Mr. Gibson?" "I suppose he will," said Mrs. French. "Then he will see a low, mean fellow;--the lowest, meanest fellow that ever was heard of! But that won't make much difference to Uncle Jonas. I wouldn't have him now, if he was to ask me ever so;--that I wouldn't!" Mr. Crump came, and kissed his sister and two nieces. The embrace with Camilla was not very affectionate. "So your Joe has been and jilted you?" said Uncle Jonas;--"it's like one of them clergymen. They say so many prayers, they think they may do almost anything afterwards. Another man would have had his head punched." "The less talk there is about it the better," said Camilla. On the following day Mr. Crump called by appointment on Mr. Gibson, and remained closeted with that gentleman for the greater portion of the morning. Camilla knew well that he was going, and went about the house like a perturbed spirit during his absence. There was a look about her that made them all doubt whether she was not, in truth, losing her mind. Her mother more than once went to the pantry to see that the knives were right; and, as regarded that sharp-pointed weapon, was careful to lock it up carefully out of her daughter's way. Mr. Crump had declared himself willing to take Camilla back to Gloucester, and had laughed at the obstacles which his niece might, perhaps, throw in the way of such an arrangement. "She mustn't have much luggage;--that is all," said Mr. Crump. For Mr. Crump had been made aware of the circumstances of the trousseau. About three o'clock Mr. Crump came back from Mr. Gibson's, and expressed a desire to be left alone with Camilla. Mrs. French was prepared for everything; and Mr. Crump soon found himself with his younger niece. "Camilla, my dear," said he, "this has been a bad business." "I don't know what business you mean, Uncle Jonas." "Yes, you do, my dear;--you know. And I hope it won't come too late to prove to you that young women shouldn't be too keen in setting their caps at the gentlemen. It's better for them to be hunted, than to hunt." "Uncle Jonas, I will not be insulted." "Stick to that, my dear, and you won't get into a scrape again. Now, look here. This man can never be made to marry you, anyhow." "I wouldn't touch him with a pair of tongs, if he were kneeling at my feet!" "That's right; stick to that. Of course, you wouldn't now, after all that has come and gone. No girl with any spirit would." "He's a coward and a thief, and he'll be--damned for what he has done, some of these days!" "T-ch, t-ch, t-ch! That isn't a proper way for a young lady to talk. That's cursing and swearing." "It isn't cursing and swearing;--it's what the Bible says." "Then we'll leave him to the Bible. In the meantime, Mr. Gibson wants to marry some one else, and that can't hurt you." "He may marry whom he likes;--but he shan't marry Bella--that's all!" "It is Bella that he means to marry." "Then he won't. I'll forbid the banns. I'll write to the bishop. I'll go to the church and prevent its being done. I'll make such a noise in the town that it can't be done. It's no use your looking at me like that, Uncle Jonas. I've got my own feelings, and he shall never marry Bella. It's what they have been intending all through, and it shan't be done!" "It will be done." "Uncle Jonas, I'll stab her to the heart, and him too, before I'll see it done! Though I were to be killed the next day, I would. Could you bear it?" "I'm not a young woman. Now, I'll tell you what I want you to do." "I'll not do anything." "Just pack up your things, and start with me to Gloucester to-morrow." "I--won't!" "Then you'll be carried, my dear. I'll write to your aunt, to say that you're coming; and we'll be as jolly as possible when we get you home." "I won't go to Gloucester, Uncle Jonas. I won't go away from Exeter. I won't let it be done. She shall never, never, never be that man's wife!" Nevertheless, on the day but one after this, Camilla French did go to Gloucester. Before she went, however, things had to be done in that house which almost made Mrs. French repent that she had sent for so stern an assistant. Camilla was at last told, in so many words, that the things which she had prepared for her own wedding must be given up for the wedding of her sister; and it seemed that this item in the list of her sorrows troubled her

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As he said this, he heard a step behind them, and turning round saw Wallachia there almost before he could drop his arm. "I am sorry that I have intruded on you," she said very grimly. "Not in the least," said Mr. Glascock. "Caroline and I have had a little dispute, but we have settled it without coming to blows." "I do not suppose that an English gentleman ever absolutely strikes a lady," said Wallachia Petrie. "Not except on strong provocation," said Mr. Glascock. "In reference to wives, a stick is allowed as big as your thumb." "I have heard that it is so by the laws of England," said Wallachia. "How can you be so ridiculous, Wally!" said Caroline. "There is nothing that you would not believe." "I hope that it may never be true in your case," said Wallachia. A couple of days after this Miss Spalding found that it was absolutely necessary that she should explain the circumstances of her position to Nora. She had left Nora with the purpose of performing a very high-minded action, of sacrificing herself for the sake of her lover, of giving up all her golden prospects, and of becoming once again the bosom friend of Wallachia Petrie, with this simple consolation for her future life,--that she had refused to marry an English nobleman because the English nobleman's condition was unsuited to her. It would have been an episode in female life in which pride might be taken;--but all that was now changed. She had made her little attempt,--had made it, as she felt, in a very languid manner, and had found herself treated as a child for doing so. Of course she was happy in her ill success; of course she would have been broken-hearted had she succeeded. But, nevertheless, she was somewhat lowered in her own esteem, and it was necessary that she should acknowledge the truth to the friend whom she had consulted. A day or two had passed before she found herself alone with Nora, but when she did so she confessed her failure at once. "You told him all, then?" said Nora. "Oh yes, I told him all. That is, I could not really tell him. When the moment came I had no words." "And what did he say?" "He had words enough. I never knew him to be eloquent before." "He can speak out if he likes," said Nora. "So I have found,--with a vengeance. Nobody was ever so put down as I was. Don't you know that there are times when it does not seem to be worth your while to put out your strength against an adversary? So it was with him. He just told me that he was my master, and that I was to do as he bade me." "And what did you say?" "I promised to be a good girl," said Caroline, "and not to pretend to have any opinion of my own ever again. And so we kissed, and were friends." "I dare say there was a kiss, my dear." "Of course there was;--and he held me in his arms, and comforted me, and told me how to behave;--just as you would do a little girl. It's all over now, of course; and if there be a mistake, it is his fault. I feel that all responsibility is gone from myself, and that for all the rest of my life I have to do just what he tells me." "And what says the divine Wallachia?" "Poor Wally! She says nothing, but she thinks that I am a castaway and a recreant. I am a recreant, I know;--but yet I think that I was right. I know I could not help myself." "Of course you were right, my dear," said the sage Nora. "If you had the notion in your head, it was wise to get rid of it; but I knew how it would be when you spoke to him." "You were not so weak when he came to you." "That was altogether another thing. It was not arranged in heaven that I was to become his captive." After that Wallachia Petrie never again tried her influence on her former friend, but admitted to herself that the evil was done, and that it could not be remedied. According to her theory of life, Caroline Spalding had been wrong, and weak,--had shewn herself to be comfort-loving and luxuriously-minded, had looked to get her happiness from soft effeminate pleasures rather than from rational work and the useful, independent exercise of her own intelligence. In the privacy of her little chamber Wallachia Petrie shed,--not absolute tears,--but many tearful thoughts over her friend. It was to her a thing very terrible that the chosen one of her heart should prefer the career of an English lord's wife to that of an American citizeness, with all manner of capability for female voting, female speech-making, female poetising, and, perhaps, female political action before her. It was a thousand pities! "You may take a horse to water,"--said Wallachia to herself, thinking of the ever-freshly springing fountain of her own mind, at which Caroline Spalding would always have been made welcome freely to quench her thirst,--"but you cannot make him drink if he be not athirst." In the future she would have no friend. Never again would she subject herself to the disgrace of such a failure. But the sacrifice was to be made, and she knew that it was bootless to waste her words further on Caroline Spalding. She left Florence before the wedding, and returned alone to the land of liberty. She wrote a letter to Caroline explaining her conduct, and Caroline Spalding shewed the letter to her husband,--as one that was both loving and eloquent. "Very loving and very eloquent," he said. "But, nevertheless, one does think of sour grapes." "There I am sure you wrong her," said Caroline. CHAPTER LXXXII. MRS. FRENCH'S CARVING KNIFE. During these days there were terrible doings at Exeter. Camilla had sworn that if Mr. Gibson did not come to, there should be a tragedy, and it appeared that she was inclined to keep her word. Immediately after the receipt of her letter from Mr. Gibson she had had an interview with that gentleman in his lodgings, and had asked him his intentions. He had taken measures to fortify himself against such an attack; but, whatever those measures were, Camilla had broken through them. She had stood before him as he sat in his arm-chair, and he had been dumb in her presence. It had perhaps been well for him that the eloquence of her indignation had been so great that she had hardly been able to pause a moment for a reply. "Will you take your letter back again?" she had said. "I should be wrong to do that," he had lisped out in reply, "because it is true. As a Christian minister I could not stand with you at the altar with a lie in my mouth." In no other way did he attempt to excuse himself,--but that, twice repeated, filled up all the pause which she made for him. [Illustration: Camilla's wrath.] There never had been such a case before,--so impudent, so cruel, so gross, so uncalled for, so unmanly, so unnecessary, so unjustifiable, so damnable,--so sure of eternal condemnation! All this she said to him with loud voice, and clenched fist, and starting eyes,--regardless utterly of any listeners on the stairs, or of outside passers in the street. In very truth she was moved to a sublimity of indignation. Her low nature became nearly poetic under the wrong inflicted upon her. She was almost tempted to tear him with her hands, and inflict upon him at the moment some terrible vengeance which should be told of for ever in the annals of Exeter. A man so mean as he, so weak, so cowardly, one so little of a hero;--that he should dare to do it, and dare to sit there before her, and to say that he would do it! "Your gown shall be torn off your back, sir, and the very boys of Exeter shall drag you through the gutters!" To this threat he said nothing, but sat mute, hiding his face in his hands. "And now tell me this, sir;--is there anything between you and Bella?" But there was no voice in reply. "Answer my question, sir. I have a right to ask it." Still he said not a word. "Listen to me. Sooner than that you and she should be man and wife, I would stab her! Yes, I would;--you poor, paltry, lying, cowardly creature!" She remained with him for more than half an hour, and then banged out of the room flashing back a look of scorn at him as she went. Martha, before that day was over, had learned the whole story from Mr. Gibson's cook, and had told her mistress. "I did not think he had so much spirit in him," was Miss Stanbury's answer. Throughout Exeter the great wonder arising from the crisis was the amount of spirit which had been displayed by Mr. Gibson. When he was left alone he shook himself, and began to think that if there were danger that such interviews might occur frequently he had better leave Exeter for good. As he put his hand over his forehead, he declared to himself that a very little more of that kind of thing would kill him. When a couple of hours had passed over his head he shook himself again, and sat down and wrote a letter to his intended mother-in-law. I do not mean to complain [he said], God knows I have no right; but I cannot stand a repetition of what has occurred just now. If your younger daughter comes to see me again I must refuse to see her, and shall leave the town. I am ready to make what reparation may be possible for the mistake into which I have fallen. T. G. Mrs. French was no doubt much afraid of her younger daughter, but she was less afraid of her than were other people. Familiarity, they say, breeds contempt; and who can be so familiar with a child as its parent? She did not in her heart believe that Camilla would murder anybody, and she fully realised the conviction that, even after all that was come and gone, it would be better that one of her daughters should have a husband than that neither should be so blessed. If only Camilla could be got out of Exeter for a few months,--how good a thing it would be for them all! She had a brother in Gloucester,--if only he could be got to take Camilla for a few months! And then, too, she knew that if the true rights of her two daughters were strictly and impartially examined, Arabella's claim was much stronger than any that Camilla could put forward to the hand of Mr. Gibson. "You must not go there again, Camilla," the mother said. "I shall go whenever I please," replied the fury. "Now, Camilla, we may as well understand each other. I will not have it done. If I am provoked, I will send to your uncle at Gloucester." Now the uncle at Gloucester was a timber merchant, a man with protuberant eyes and a great square chin,--known to be a very stern man indeed, and not at all afraid of young women. "What do I care for my uncle? My uncle would take my part." "No, he would not. The truth is, Camilla, you interfered with Bella first." "Mamma, how dare you say so!" "You did, my dear. And these are the consequences." "And you mean to say that she is to be Mrs. Gibson?" "I say nothing about that. But I do not see why they shouldn't be married if their hearts are inclined to each other." "I will die first!" "Your dying has nothing to do with it, Camilla." "And I will kill her!" "If you speak to me again in that way I will write to your uncle at Gloucester. I have done the best I could for you both, and I will not bear such treatment." "And how am I treated?" "You should not have interfered with your sister." "You are all in a conspiracy together," shouted Camilla, "you are! There never was anybody so badly treated,--never,--never,--never! What will everybody say of me?" "They will pity you, if you will be quiet." "I don't want to be pitied;--I won't be pitied. I wish I could die,--and I will die! Anybody else would, at any rate, have had their mother and sister with them!" Then she burst into a flood of real, true, womanly tears. After this there was a lull at Heavitree for a few days. Camilla did not speak to her sister, but she condescended to hold some intercourse with her mother, and to take her meals at the family table. She did not go out of the house, but she employed herself in her own room, doing no one knew what, with all that new clothing and household gear which was to have been transferred in her train to Mr. Gibson's house. Mrs. French was somewhat uneasy about the new clothing and household gear, feeling that, in the event of Bella's marriage, at least a considerable portion of it must be transferred to the new bride. But it was impossible at the present moment to open such a subject to Camilla;--it would have been as a proposition to a lioness respecting the taking away of her whelps. Nevertheless, the day must soon come in which something must be said about the clothing and household gear. All the property that had been sent into the house at Camilla's orders could not be allowed to remain as Camilla's perquisites, now that Camilla was not to be married. "Do you know what she is doing, my dear?" said Mrs. French to her elder daughter. "Perhaps she is picking out the marks," said Bella. "I don't think she would do that as yet," said Mrs. French. "She might just as well leave it alone," said Bella, feeling that one of the two letters would do for her. But neither of them dared to speak to her of her occupation in these first days of her despair. Mr. Gibson in the meantime remained at home, or only left his house to go to the Cathedral or to visit the narrow confines of his little parish. When he was out he felt that everybody looked at him, and it seemed to him that people whispered about him when they saw him at his usual desk in the choir. His friends passed him merely bowing to him, and he was aware that he had done that which would be regarded by every one around him as unpardonable. And yet,--what ought he to have done? He acknowledged to himself that he had been very foolish, mad,--quite demented at the moment,--when he allowed himself to think it possible that he should marry Camilla French. But having found out how mad he had been at that moment, having satisfied himself that to live with her as his wife would be impossible, was he not right to break the engagement? Could anything be so wicked as marrying a woman whom he--hated? Thus he tried to excuse himself; but yet he knew that all the world would condemn him. Life in Exeter would be impossible, if no way to social pardon could be opened for him. He was willing to do anything within bounds in mitigation of his offence. He would give up fifty pounds a year to Camilla for his life,--or he would marry Bella. Yes; he would marry Bella at once,--if Camilla would only consent, and give up that idea of stabbing some one. Bella French was not very nice in his eyes; but she was quiet, he thought, and it might be possible to live with her. Nevertheless, he told himself over and over again that the manner in which unmarried men with incomes were set upon by ladies in want of husbands was very disgraceful to the country at large. That mission to Natal which had once been offered to him would have had charms for him now, of which he had not recognised the force when he rejected it. "Do you think that he ever was really engaged to her?" Dorothy said to her aunt. Dorothy was now living in a seventh heaven of happiness, writing love-letters to Brooke Burgess every other day, and devoting to this occupation a number of hours of which she ought to have been ashamed; making her purchases for her wedding,--with nothing, however, of the magnificence of a Camilla,--but discussing everything with her aunt, who urged her on to extravagances which seemed beyond the scope of her own economical ideas; settling, or trying to settle, little difficulties which perplexed her somewhat, and wondering at her own career. She could not of course be married without the presence of her mother and sister, and her aunt,--with something of a grim courtesy,--had intimated that they should be made welcome to the house in the Close for the special occasion. But nothing had been said about Hugh. The wedding was to be in the Cathedral, and Dorothy had a little scheme in her head for meeting her brother among the aisles. He would no doubt come down with Brooke, and nothing perhaps need be said about it to Aunt Stanbury. But still it was a trouble. Her aunt had been so good that Dorothy felt that no step should be taken which would vex the old woman. It was evident enough that when permission had been given for the visit of Mrs. Stanbury and Priscilla, Hugh's name had been purposely kept back. There had been no accidental omission. Dorothy, therefore, did not dare to mention it,--and yet it was essential for her happiness that he should be there. At the present moment Miss Stanbury's intense interest in the Stanbury wedding was somewhat mitigated by the excitement occasioned by Mr. Gibson's refusal to be married. Dorothy was so shocked that she could not bring herself to believe the statement that had reached them through Martha. "Of course he was engaged to her. We all knew that," said Miss Stanbury. "I think there must have been some mistake," said Dorothy. "I don't see how he could do it." "There is no knowing what people can do, my dear, when they're hard driven. I suppose we shall have a lawsuit now, and he'll have to pay ever so much money. Well, well, well! see what a deal of trouble you might have saved!" "But he'd have done the same to me, aunt;--only, you know, I never could have taken him. Isn't it better as it is, aunt? Tell me." "I suppose young women always think it best when they can get their own ways. An old woman like me has only got to do what she is bid." "But this was best, aunt;--was it not?" "My dear, you've had your way, and let that be enough. Poor Camilla French is not allowed to have hers at all. Dear, dear, dear! I didn't think the man would ever have been such a fool to begin with;--or that he would ever have had the heart to get out of it afterwards." It astonished Dorothy to find that her aunt was not loud in reprobation of Mr. Gibson's very dreadful conduct. In the meantime Mrs. French had written to her brother at Gloucester. The maid-servant, in making Miss Camilla's bed, and in "putting the room to rights," as she called it,--which description probably was intended to cover the circumstances of an accurate search,--had discovered, hidden among some linen,--a carving knife! such a knife as is used for the cutting up of fowls; and, after two days' interval, had imparted the discovery to Mrs. French. Instant visit was made to the pantry, and it was found that a very aged but unbroken and sharply-pointed weapon was missing. Mrs. French at once accused Camilla, and Camilla, after some hesitation, admitted that it might be there. Molly, she said, was a nasty, sly, wicked thing, to go looking in her drawers, and she would never leave anything unlocked again. The knife, she declared, had been taken up-stairs, because she had wanted something very sharp to cut,--the bones of her stays. The knife was given up, but Mrs. French thought it best to write to her brother, Mr. Crump. She was in great doubt about sundry matters. Had the carving knife really pointed to a domestic tragedy;--and if so, what steps ought a poor widow to take with such a daughter? And what ought to be done about Mr. Gibson? It ran through Mrs. French's mind that unless something were done at once, Mr. Gibson would escape scot free. It was her wish that he should yet become her son-in-law. Poor Bella was entitled to her chance. But if Bella was to be disappointed,--from fear of carving knives, or for other reasons,--then there came the question whether Mr. Gibson should not be made to pay in purse for the mischief he had done. With all these thoughts and doubts running through her head, Mrs. French wrote to her brother at Gloucester. There came back an answer from Mr. Crump, in which that gentleman expressed a very strong idea that Mr. Gibson should be prosecuted for damages with the utmost virulence, and with the least possible delay. No compromise should be accepted. Mr. Crump would himself come to Exeter and see the lawyer as soon as he should be told that there was a lawyer to be seen. As to the carving knife, Mr. Crump was of opinion that it did not mean anything. Mr. Crump was a gentleman who did not believe in strong romance, but who had great trust in all pecuniary claims. The Frenches had always been genteel. The late Captain French had been an officer in the army, and at ordinary times and seasons the Frenches were rather ashamed of the Crump connection. But now the timber merchant might prove himself to be a useful friend. Mrs. French shewed her brother's letter to Bella,--and poor Bella was again sore-hearted, seeing that nothing was said in it of her claims. "It will be dreadful scandal to have it all in the papers!" said Bella. "But what can we do?" "Anything would be better than that," said Bella. "And you don't want to punish Mr. Gibson, mamma." "But, my dear, you see what your uncle says. What can I do, except go to him for advice?" "Why don't you go to Mr. Gibson yourself, mamma?" But nothing was said to Camilla about Mr. Crump;--nothing as yet. Camilla did not love Mr. Crump, but there was no other house except that of Mr. Crump's at Gloucester to which she might be sent, if it could be arranged that Mr. Gibson and Bella should be made one. Mrs. French took her eldest daughter's advice, and went to Mr. Gibson;--taking Mr. Crump's letter in her pocket. For herself she wanted nothing,--but was it not the duty of her whole life to fight for her daughters? Poor woman! If somebody would only have taught her how that duty might best be done, she would have endeavoured to obey the teaching. "You know I do not want to threaten you," she said to Mr. Gibson; "but you see what my brother says. Of course I wrote to my brother. What could a poor woman do in such circumstances except write to her brother?" "If you choose to set the bloodhounds of the law at me, of course you can," said Mr. Gibson. "I do not want to go to law at all;--God knows I do not!" said Mrs. French. Then there was a pause. "Poor dear Bella!" ejaculated Mrs. French. "Dear Bella!" echoed Mr. Gibson. "What do you mean to do about Bella?" asked Mrs. French. "I sometimes think that I had better take poison and have done with it!" said Mr. Gibson, feeling himself to be very hard pressed. CHAPTER LXXXIII. BELLA VICTRIX. Mr. Crump arrived at Exeter. Camilla was not told of his coming till the morning of the day on which he arrived; and then the tidings were communicated, because it was necessary that a change should be made in the bed-rooms. She and her sister had separate rooms when there was no visitor with them, but now Mr. Crump must be accommodated. There was a long consultation between Bella and Mrs. French, but at last it was decided that Bella should sleep with her mother. There would still be too much of the lioness about Camilla to allow of her being regarded as a safe companion through the watches of the night. "Why is Uncle Jonas coming now?" she asked. "I thought it better to ask him," said Mrs. French. After a long pause, Camilla asked another question. "Does Uncle Jonas mean to see Mr. Gibson?" "I suppose he will," said Mrs. French. "Then he will see a low, mean fellow;--the lowest, meanest fellow that ever was heard of! But that won't make much difference to Uncle Jonas. I wouldn't have him now, if he was to ask me ever so;--that I wouldn't!" Mr. Crump came, and kissed his sister and two nieces. The embrace with Camilla was not very affectionate. "So your Joe has been and jilted you?" said Uncle Jonas;--"it's like one of them clergymen. They say so many prayers, they think they may do almost anything afterwards. Another man would have had his head punched." "The less talk there is about it the better," said Camilla. On the following day Mr. Crump called by appointment on Mr. Gibson, and remained closeted with that gentleman for the greater portion of the morning. Camilla knew well that he was going, and went about the house like a perturbed spirit during his absence. There was a look about her that made them all doubt whether she was not, in truth, losing her mind. Her mother more than once went to the pantry to see that the knives were right; and, as regarded that sharp-pointed weapon, was careful to lock it up carefully out of her daughter's way. Mr. Crump had declared himself willing to take Camilla back to Gloucester, and had laughed at the obstacles which his niece might, perhaps, throw in the way of such an arrangement. "She mustn't have much luggage;--that is all," said Mr. Crump. For Mr. Crump had been made aware of the circumstances of the trousseau. About three o'clock Mr. Crump came back from Mr. Gibson's, and expressed a desire to be left alone with Camilla. Mrs. French was prepared for everything; and Mr. Crump soon found himself with his younger niece. "Camilla, my dear," said he, "this has been a bad business." "I don't know what business you mean, Uncle Jonas." "Yes, you do, my dear;--you know. And I hope it won't come too late to prove to you that young women shouldn't be too keen in setting their caps at the gentlemen. It's better for them to be hunted, than to hunt." "Uncle Jonas, I will not be insulted." "Stick to that, my dear, and you won't get into a scrape again. Now, look here. This man can never be made to marry you, anyhow." "I wouldn't touch him with a pair of tongs, if he were kneeling at my feet!" "That's right; stick to that. Of course, you wouldn't now, after all that has come and gone. No girl with any spirit would." "He's a coward and a thief, and he'll be--damned for what he has done, some of these days!" "T-ch, t-ch, t-ch! That isn't a proper way for a young lady to talk. That's cursing and swearing." "It isn't cursing and swearing;--it's what the Bible says." "Then we'll leave him to the Bible. In the meantime, Mr. Gibson wants to marry some one else, and that can't hurt you." "He may marry whom he likes;--but he shan't marry Bella--that's all!" "It is Bella that he means to marry." "Then he won't. I'll forbid the banns. I'll write to the bishop. I'll go to the church and prevent its being done. I'll make such a noise in the town that it can't be done. It's no use your looking at me like that, Uncle Jonas. I've got my own feelings, and he shall never marry Bella. It's what they have been intending all through, and it shan't be done!" "It will be done." "Uncle Jonas, I'll stab her to the heart, and him too, before I'll see it done! Though I were to be killed the next day, I would. Could you bear it?" "I'm not a young woman. Now, I'll tell you what I want you to do." "I'll not do anything." "Just pack up your things, and start with me to Gloucester to-morrow." "I--won't!" "Then you'll be carried, my dear. I'll write to your aunt, to say that you're coming; and we'll be as jolly as possible when we get you home." "I won't go to Gloucester, Uncle Jonas. I won't go away from Exeter. I won't let it be done. She shall never, never, never be that man's wife!" Nevertheless, on the day but one after this, Camilla French did go to Gloucester. Before she went, however, things had to be done in that house which almost made Mrs. French repent that she had sent for so stern an assistant. Camilla was at last told, in so many words, that the things which she had prepared for her own wedding must be given up for the wedding of her sister; and it seemed that this item in the list of her sorrows troubled her

fortunate

How many times the word 'fortunate' appears in the text?

As he said this, he heard a step behind them, and turning round saw Wallachia there almost before he could drop his arm. "I am sorry that I have intruded on you," she said very grimly. "Not in the least," said Mr. Glascock. "Caroline and I have had a little dispute, but we have settled it without coming to blows." "I do not suppose that an English gentleman ever absolutely strikes a lady," said Wallachia Petrie. "Not except on strong provocation," said Mr. Glascock. "In reference to wives, a stick is allowed as big as your thumb." "I have heard that it is so by the laws of England," said Wallachia. "How can you be so ridiculous, Wally!" said Caroline. "There is nothing that you would not believe." "I hope that it may never be true in your case," said Wallachia. A couple of days after this Miss Spalding found that it was absolutely necessary that she should explain the circumstances of her position to Nora. She had left Nora with the purpose of performing a very high-minded action, of sacrificing herself for the sake of her lover, of giving up all her golden prospects, and of becoming once again the bosom friend of Wallachia Petrie, with this simple consolation for her future life,--that she had refused to marry an English nobleman because the English nobleman's condition was unsuited to her. It would have been an episode in female life in which pride might be taken;--but all that was now changed. She had made her little attempt,--had made it, as she felt, in a very languid manner, and had found herself treated as a child for doing so. Of course she was happy in her ill success; of course she would have been broken-hearted had she succeeded. But, nevertheless, she was somewhat lowered in her own esteem, and it was necessary that she should acknowledge the truth to the friend whom she had consulted. A day or two had passed before she found herself alone with Nora, but when she did so she confessed her failure at once. "You told him all, then?" said Nora. "Oh yes, I told him all. That is, I could not really tell him. When the moment came I had no words." "And what did he say?" "He had words enough. I never knew him to be eloquent before." "He can speak out if he likes," said Nora. "So I have found,--with a vengeance. Nobody was ever so put down as I was. Don't you know that there are times when it does not seem to be worth your while to put out your strength against an adversary? So it was with him. He just told me that he was my master, and that I was to do as he bade me." "And what did you say?" "I promised to be a good girl," said Caroline, "and not to pretend to have any opinion of my own ever again. And so we kissed, and were friends." "I dare say there was a kiss, my dear." "Of course there was;--and he held me in his arms, and comforted me, and told me how to behave;--just as you would do a little girl. It's all over now, of course; and if there be a mistake, it is his fault. I feel that all responsibility is gone from myself, and that for all the rest of my life I have to do just what he tells me." "And what says the divine Wallachia?" "Poor Wally! She says nothing, but she thinks that I am a castaway and a recreant. I am a recreant, I know;--but yet I think that I was right. I know I could not help myself." "Of course you were right, my dear," said the sage Nora. "If you had the notion in your head, it was wise to get rid of it; but I knew how it would be when you spoke to him." "You were not so weak when he came to you." "That was altogether another thing. It was not arranged in heaven that I was to become his captive." After that Wallachia Petrie never again tried her influence on her former friend, but admitted to herself that the evil was done, and that it could not be remedied. According to her theory of life, Caroline Spalding had been wrong, and weak,--had shewn herself to be comfort-loving and luxuriously-minded, had looked to get her happiness from soft effeminate pleasures rather than from rational work and the useful, independent exercise of her own intelligence. In the privacy of her little chamber Wallachia Petrie shed,--not absolute tears,--but many tearful thoughts over her friend. It was to her a thing very terrible that the chosen one of her heart should prefer the career of an English lord's wife to that of an American citizeness, with all manner of capability for female voting, female speech-making, female poetising, and, perhaps, female political action before her. It was a thousand pities! "You may take a horse to water,"--said Wallachia to herself, thinking of the ever-freshly springing fountain of her own mind, at which Caroline Spalding would always have been made welcome freely to quench her thirst,--"but you cannot make him drink if he be not athirst." In the future she would have no friend. Never again would she subject herself to the disgrace of such a failure. But the sacrifice was to be made, and she knew that it was bootless to waste her words further on Caroline Spalding. She left Florence before the wedding, and returned alone to the land of liberty. She wrote a letter to Caroline explaining her conduct, and Caroline Spalding shewed the letter to her husband,--as one that was both loving and eloquent. "Very loving and very eloquent," he said. "But, nevertheless, one does think of sour grapes." "There I am sure you wrong her," said Caroline. CHAPTER LXXXII. MRS. FRENCH'S CARVING KNIFE. During these days there were terrible doings at Exeter. Camilla had sworn that if Mr. Gibson did not come to, there should be a tragedy, and it appeared that she was inclined to keep her word. Immediately after the receipt of her letter from Mr. Gibson she had had an interview with that gentleman in his lodgings, and had asked him his intentions. He had taken measures to fortify himself against such an attack; but, whatever those measures were, Camilla had broken through them. She had stood before him as he sat in his arm-chair, and he had been dumb in her presence. It had perhaps been well for him that the eloquence of her indignation had been so great that she had hardly been able to pause a moment for a reply. "Will you take your letter back again?" she had said. "I should be wrong to do that," he had lisped out in reply, "because it is true. As a Christian minister I could not stand with you at the altar with a lie in my mouth." In no other way did he attempt to excuse himself,--but that, twice repeated, filled up all the pause which she made for him. [Illustration: Camilla's wrath.] There never had been such a case before,--so impudent, so cruel, so gross, so uncalled for, so unmanly, so unnecessary, so unjustifiable, so damnable,--so sure of eternal condemnation! All this she said to him with loud voice, and clenched fist, and starting eyes,--regardless utterly of any listeners on the stairs, or of outside passers in the street. In very truth she was moved to a sublimity of indignation. Her low nature became nearly poetic under the wrong inflicted upon her. She was almost tempted to tear him with her hands, and inflict upon him at the moment some terrible vengeance which should be told of for ever in the annals of Exeter. A man so mean as he, so weak, so cowardly, one so little of a hero;--that he should dare to do it, and dare to sit there before her, and to say that he would do it! "Your gown shall be torn off your back, sir, and the very boys of Exeter shall drag you through the gutters!" To this threat he said nothing, but sat mute, hiding his face in his hands. "And now tell me this, sir;--is there anything between you and Bella?" But there was no voice in reply. "Answer my question, sir. I have a right to ask it." Still he said not a word. "Listen to me. Sooner than that you and she should be man and wife, I would stab her! Yes, I would;--you poor, paltry, lying, cowardly creature!" She remained with him for more than half an hour, and then banged out of the room flashing back a look of scorn at him as she went. Martha, before that day was over, had learned the whole story from Mr. Gibson's cook, and had told her mistress. "I did not think he had so much spirit in him," was Miss Stanbury's answer. Throughout Exeter the great wonder arising from the crisis was the amount of spirit which had been displayed by Mr. Gibson. When he was left alone he shook himself, and began to think that if there were danger that such interviews might occur frequently he had better leave Exeter for good. As he put his hand over his forehead, he declared to himself that a very little more of that kind of thing would kill him. When a couple of hours had passed over his head he shook himself again, and sat down and wrote a letter to his intended mother-in-law. I do not mean to complain [he said], God knows I have no right; but I cannot stand a repetition of what has occurred just now. If your younger daughter comes to see me again I must refuse to see her, and shall leave the town. I am ready to make what reparation may be possible for the mistake into which I have fallen. T. G. Mrs. French was no doubt much afraid of her younger daughter, but she was less afraid of her than were other people. Familiarity, they say, breeds contempt; and who can be so familiar with a child as its parent? She did not in her heart believe that Camilla would murder anybody, and she fully realised the conviction that, even after all that was come and gone, it would be better that one of her daughters should have a husband than that neither should be so blessed. If only Camilla could be got out of Exeter for a few months,--how good a thing it would be for them all! She had a brother in Gloucester,--if only he could be got to take Camilla for a few months! And then, too, she knew that if the true rights of her two daughters were strictly and impartially examined, Arabella's claim was much stronger than any that Camilla could put forward to the hand of Mr. Gibson. "You must not go there again, Camilla," the mother said. "I shall go whenever I please," replied the fury. "Now, Camilla, we may as well understand each other. I will not have it done. If I am provoked, I will send to your uncle at Gloucester." Now the uncle at Gloucester was a timber merchant, a man with protuberant eyes and a great square chin,--known to be a very stern man indeed, and not at all afraid of young women. "What do I care for my uncle? My uncle would take my part." "No, he would not. The truth is, Camilla, you interfered with Bella first." "Mamma, how dare you say so!" "You did, my dear. And these are the consequences." "And you mean to say that she is to be Mrs. Gibson?" "I say nothing about that. But I do not see why they shouldn't be married if their hearts are inclined to each other." "I will die first!" "Your dying has nothing to do with it, Camilla." "And I will kill her!" "If you speak to me again in that way I will write to your uncle at Gloucester. I have done the best I could for you both, and I will not bear such treatment." "And how am I treated?" "You should not have interfered with your sister." "You are all in a conspiracy together," shouted Camilla, "you are! There never was anybody so badly treated,--never,--never,--never! What will everybody say of me?" "They will pity you, if you will be quiet." "I don't want to be pitied;--I won't be pitied. I wish I could die,--and I will die! Anybody else would, at any rate, have had their mother and sister with them!" Then she burst into a flood of real, true, womanly tears. After this there was a lull at Heavitree for a few days. Camilla did not speak to her sister, but she condescended to hold some intercourse with her mother, and to take her meals at the family table. She did not go out of the house, but she employed herself in her own room, doing no one knew what, with all that new clothing and household gear which was to have been transferred in her train to Mr. Gibson's house. Mrs. French was somewhat uneasy about the new clothing and household gear, feeling that, in the event of Bella's marriage, at least a considerable portion of it must be transferred to the new bride. But it was impossible at the present moment to open such a subject to Camilla;--it would have been as a proposition to a lioness respecting the taking away of her whelps. Nevertheless, the day must soon come in which something must be said about the clothing and household gear. All the property that had been sent into the house at Camilla's orders could not be allowed to remain as Camilla's perquisites, now that Camilla was not to be married. "Do you know what she is doing, my dear?" said Mrs. French to her elder daughter. "Perhaps she is picking out the marks," said Bella. "I don't think she would do that as yet," said Mrs. French. "She might just as well leave it alone," said Bella, feeling that one of the two letters would do for her. But neither of them dared to speak to her of her occupation in these first days of her despair. Mr. Gibson in the meantime remained at home, or only left his house to go to the Cathedral or to visit the narrow confines of his little parish. When he was out he felt that everybody looked at him, and it seemed to him that people whispered about him when they saw him at his usual desk in the choir. His friends passed him merely bowing to him, and he was aware that he had done that which would be regarded by every one around him as unpardonable. And yet,--what ought he to have done? He acknowledged to himself that he had been very foolish, mad,--quite demented at the moment,--when he allowed himself to think it possible that he should marry Camilla French. But having found out how mad he had been at that moment, having satisfied himself that to live with her as his wife would be impossible, was he not right to break the engagement? Could anything be so wicked as marrying a woman whom he--hated? Thus he tried to excuse himself; but yet he knew that all the world would condemn him. Life in Exeter would be impossible, if no way to social pardon could be opened for him. He was willing to do anything within bounds in mitigation of his offence. He would give up fifty pounds a year to Camilla for his life,--or he would marry Bella. Yes; he would marry Bella at once,--if Camilla would only consent, and give up that idea of stabbing some one. Bella French was not very nice in his eyes; but she was quiet, he thought, and it might be possible to live with her. Nevertheless, he told himself over and over again that the manner in which unmarried men with incomes were set upon by ladies in want of husbands was very disgraceful to the country at large. That mission to Natal which had once been offered to him would have had charms for him now, of which he had not recognised the force when he rejected it. "Do you think that he ever was really engaged to her?" Dorothy said to her aunt. Dorothy was now living in a seventh heaven of happiness, writing love-letters to Brooke Burgess every other day, and devoting to this occupation a number of hours of which she ought to have been ashamed; making her purchases for her wedding,--with nothing, however, of the magnificence of a Camilla,--but discussing everything with her aunt, who urged her on to extravagances which seemed beyond the scope of her own economical ideas; settling, or trying to settle, little difficulties which perplexed her somewhat, and wondering at her own career. She could not of course be married without the presence of her mother and sister, and her aunt,--with something of a grim courtesy,--had intimated that they should be made welcome to the house in the Close for the special occasion. But nothing had been said about Hugh. The wedding was to be in the Cathedral, and Dorothy had a little scheme in her head for meeting her brother among the aisles. He would no doubt come down with Brooke, and nothing perhaps need be said about it to Aunt Stanbury. But still it was a trouble. Her aunt had been so good that Dorothy felt that no step should be taken which would vex the old woman. It was evident enough that when permission had been given for the visit of Mrs. Stanbury and Priscilla, Hugh's name had been purposely kept back. There had been no accidental omission. Dorothy, therefore, did not dare to mention it,--and yet it was essential for her happiness that he should be there. At the present moment Miss Stanbury's intense interest in the Stanbury wedding was somewhat mitigated by the excitement occasioned by Mr. Gibson's refusal to be married. Dorothy was so shocked that she could not bring herself to believe the statement that had reached them through Martha. "Of course he was engaged to her. We all knew that," said Miss Stanbury. "I think there must have been some mistake," said Dorothy. "I don't see how he could do it." "There is no knowing what people can do, my dear, when they're hard driven. I suppose we shall have a lawsuit now, and he'll have to pay ever so much money. Well, well, well! see what a deal of trouble you might have saved!" "But he'd have done the same to me, aunt;--only, you know, I never could have taken him. Isn't it better as it is, aunt? Tell me." "I suppose young women always think it best when they can get their own ways. An old woman like me has only got to do what she is bid." "But this was best, aunt;--was it not?" "My dear, you've had your way, and let that be enough. Poor Camilla French is not allowed to have hers at all. Dear, dear, dear! I didn't think the man would ever have been such a fool to begin with;--or that he would ever have had the heart to get out of it afterwards." It astonished Dorothy to find that her aunt was not loud in reprobation of Mr. Gibson's very dreadful conduct. In the meantime Mrs. French had written to her brother at Gloucester. The maid-servant, in making Miss Camilla's bed, and in "putting the room to rights," as she called it,--which description probably was intended to cover the circumstances of an accurate search,--had discovered, hidden among some linen,--a carving knife! such a knife as is used for the cutting up of fowls; and, after two days' interval, had imparted the discovery to Mrs. French. Instant visit was made to the pantry, and it was found that a very aged but unbroken and sharply-pointed weapon was missing. Mrs. French at once accused Camilla, and Camilla, after some hesitation, admitted that it might be there. Molly, she said, was a nasty, sly, wicked thing, to go looking in her drawers, and she would never leave anything unlocked again. The knife, she declared, had been taken up-stairs, because she had wanted something very sharp to cut,--the bones of her stays. The knife was given up, but Mrs. French thought it best to write to her brother, Mr. Crump. She was in great doubt about sundry matters. Had the carving knife really pointed to a domestic tragedy;--and if so, what steps ought a poor widow to take with such a daughter? And what ought to be done about Mr. Gibson? It ran through Mrs. French's mind that unless something were done at once, Mr. Gibson would escape scot free. It was her wish that he should yet become her son-in-law. Poor Bella was entitled to her chance. But if Bella was to be disappointed,--from fear of carving knives, or for other reasons,--then there came the question whether Mr. Gibson should not be made to pay in purse for the mischief he had done. With all these thoughts and doubts running through her head, Mrs. French wrote to her brother at Gloucester. There came back an answer from Mr. Crump, in which that gentleman expressed a very strong idea that Mr. Gibson should be prosecuted for damages with the utmost virulence, and with the least possible delay. No compromise should be accepted. Mr. Crump would himself come to Exeter and see the lawyer as soon as he should be told that there was a lawyer to be seen. As to the carving knife, Mr. Crump was of opinion that it did not mean anything. Mr. Crump was a gentleman who did not believe in strong romance, but who had great trust in all pecuniary claims. The Frenches had always been genteel. The late Captain French had been an officer in the army, and at ordinary times and seasons the Frenches were rather ashamed of the Crump connection. But now the timber merchant might prove himself to be a useful friend. Mrs. French shewed her brother's letter to Bella,--and poor Bella was again sore-hearted, seeing that nothing was said in it of her claims. "It will be dreadful scandal to have it all in the papers!" said Bella. "But what can we do?" "Anything would be better than that," said Bella. "And you don't want to punish Mr. Gibson, mamma." "But, my dear, you see what your uncle says. What can I do, except go to him for advice?" "Why don't you go to Mr. Gibson yourself, mamma?" But nothing was said to Camilla about Mr. Crump;--nothing as yet. Camilla did not love Mr. Crump, but there was no other house except that of Mr. Crump's at Gloucester to which she might be sent, if it could be arranged that Mr. Gibson and Bella should be made one. Mrs. French took her eldest daughter's advice, and went to Mr. Gibson;--taking Mr. Crump's letter in her pocket. For herself she wanted nothing,--but was it not the duty of her whole life to fight for her daughters? Poor woman! If somebody would only have taught her how that duty might best be done, she would have endeavoured to obey the teaching. "You know I do not want to threaten you," she said to Mr. Gibson; "but you see what my brother says. Of course I wrote to my brother. What could a poor woman do in such circumstances except write to her brother?" "If you choose to set the bloodhounds of the law at me, of course you can," said Mr. Gibson. "I do not want to go to law at all;--God knows I do not!" said Mrs. French. Then there was a pause. "Poor dear Bella!" ejaculated Mrs. French. "Dear Bella!" echoed Mr. Gibson. "What do you mean to do about Bella?" asked Mrs. French. "I sometimes think that I had better take poison and have done with it!" said Mr. Gibson, feeling himself to be very hard pressed. CHAPTER LXXXIII. BELLA VICTRIX. Mr. Crump arrived at Exeter. Camilla was not told of his coming till the morning of the day on which he arrived; and then the tidings were communicated, because it was necessary that a change should be made in the bed-rooms. She and her sister had separate rooms when there was no visitor with them, but now Mr. Crump must be accommodated. There was a long consultation between Bella and Mrs. French, but at last it was decided that Bella should sleep with her mother. There would still be too much of the lioness about Camilla to allow of her being regarded as a safe companion through the watches of the night. "Why is Uncle Jonas coming now?" she asked. "I thought it better to ask him," said Mrs. French. After a long pause, Camilla asked another question. "Does Uncle Jonas mean to see Mr. Gibson?" "I suppose he will," said Mrs. French. "Then he will see a low, mean fellow;--the lowest, meanest fellow that ever was heard of! But that won't make much difference to Uncle Jonas. I wouldn't have him now, if he was to ask me ever so;--that I wouldn't!" Mr. Crump came, and kissed his sister and two nieces. The embrace with Camilla was not very affectionate. "So your Joe has been and jilted you?" said Uncle Jonas;--"it's like one of them clergymen. They say so many prayers, they think they may do almost anything afterwards. Another man would have had his head punched." "The less talk there is about it the better," said Camilla. On the following day Mr. Crump called by appointment on Mr. Gibson, and remained closeted with that gentleman for the greater portion of the morning. Camilla knew well that he was going, and went about the house like a perturbed spirit during his absence. There was a look about her that made them all doubt whether she was not, in truth, losing her mind. Her mother more than once went to the pantry to see that the knives were right; and, as regarded that sharp-pointed weapon, was careful to lock it up carefully out of her daughter's way. Mr. Crump had declared himself willing to take Camilla back to Gloucester, and had laughed at the obstacles which his niece might, perhaps, throw in the way of such an arrangement. "She mustn't have much luggage;--that is all," said Mr. Crump. For Mr. Crump had been made aware of the circumstances of the trousseau. About three o'clock Mr. Crump came back from Mr. Gibson's, and expressed a desire to be left alone with Camilla. Mrs. French was prepared for everything; and Mr. Crump soon found himself with his younger niece. "Camilla, my dear," said he, "this has been a bad business." "I don't know what business you mean, Uncle Jonas." "Yes, you do, my dear;--you know. And I hope it won't come too late to prove to you that young women shouldn't be too keen in setting their caps at the gentlemen. It's better for them to be hunted, than to hunt." "Uncle Jonas, I will not be insulted." "Stick to that, my dear, and you won't get into a scrape again. Now, look here. This man can never be made to marry you, anyhow." "I wouldn't touch him with a pair of tongs, if he were kneeling at my feet!" "That's right; stick to that. Of course, you wouldn't now, after all that has come and gone. No girl with any spirit would." "He's a coward and a thief, and he'll be--damned for what he has done, some of these days!" "T-ch, t-ch, t-ch! That isn't a proper way for a young lady to talk. That's cursing and swearing." "It isn't cursing and swearing;--it's what the Bible says." "Then we'll leave him to the Bible. In the meantime, Mr. Gibson wants to marry some one else, and that can't hurt you." "He may marry whom he likes;--but he shan't marry Bella--that's all!" "It is Bella that he means to marry." "Then he won't. I'll forbid the banns. I'll write to the bishop. I'll go to the church and prevent its being done. I'll make such a noise in the town that it can't be done. It's no use your looking at me like that, Uncle Jonas. I've got my own feelings, and he shall never marry Bella. It's what they have been intending all through, and it shan't be done!" "It will be done." "Uncle Jonas, I'll stab her to the heart, and him too, before I'll see it done! Though I were to be killed the next day, I would. Could you bear it?" "I'm not a young woman. Now, I'll tell you what I want you to do." "I'll not do anything." "Just pack up your things, and start with me to Gloucester to-morrow." "I--won't!" "Then you'll be carried, my dear. I'll write to your aunt, to say that you're coming; and we'll be as jolly as possible when we get you home." "I won't go to Gloucester, Uncle Jonas. I won't go away from Exeter. I won't let it be done. She shall never, never, never be that man's wife!" Nevertheless, on the day but one after this, Camilla French did go to Gloucester. Before she went, however, things had to be done in that house which almost made Mrs. French repent that she had sent for so stern an assistant. Camilla was at last told, in so many words, that the things which she had prepared for her own wedding must be given up for the wedding of her sister; and it seemed that this item in the list of her sorrows troubled her

familiar

How many times the word 'familiar' appears in the text?

As he said this, he heard a step behind them, and turning round saw Wallachia there almost before he could drop his arm. "I am sorry that I have intruded on you," she said very grimly. "Not in the least," said Mr. Glascock. "Caroline and I have had a little dispute, but we have settled it without coming to blows." "I do not suppose that an English gentleman ever absolutely strikes a lady," said Wallachia Petrie. "Not except on strong provocation," said Mr. Glascock. "In reference to wives, a stick is allowed as big as your thumb." "I have heard that it is so by the laws of England," said Wallachia. "How can you be so ridiculous, Wally!" said Caroline. "There is nothing that you would not believe." "I hope that it may never be true in your case," said Wallachia. A couple of days after this Miss Spalding found that it was absolutely necessary that she should explain the circumstances of her position to Nora. She had left Nora with the purpose of performing a very high-minded action, of sacrificing herself for the sake of her lover, of giving up all her golden prospects, and of becoming once again the bosom friend of Wallachia Petrie, with this simple consolation for her future life,--that she had refused to marry an English nobleman because the English nobleman's condition was unsuited to her. It would have been an episode in female life in which pride might be taken;--but all that was now changed. She had made her little attempt,--had made it, as she felt, in a very languid manner, and had found herself treated as a child for doing so. Of course she was happy in her ill success; of course she would have been broken-hearted had she succeeded. But, nevertheless, she was somewhat lowered in her own esteem, and it was necessary that she should acknowledge the truth to the friend whom she had consulted. A day or two had passed before she found herself alone with Nora, but when she did so she confessed her failure at once. "You told him all, then?" said Nora. "Oh yes, I told him all. That is, I could not really tell him. When the moment came I had no words." "And what did he say?" "He had words enough. I never knew him to be eloquent before." "He can speak out if he likes," said Nora. "So I have found,--with a vengeance. Nobody was ever so put down as I was. Don't you know that there are times when it does not seem to be worth your while to put out your strength against an adversary? So it was with him. He just told me that he was my master, and that I was to do as he bade me." "And what did you say?" "I promised to be a good girl," said Caroline, "and not to pretend to have any opinion of my own ever again. And so we kissed, and were friends." "I dare say there was a kiss, my dear." "Of course there was;--and he held me in his arms, and comforted me, and told me how to behave;--just as you would do a little girl. It's all over now, of course; and if there be a mistake, it is his fault. I feel that all responsibility is gone from myself, and that for all the rest of my life I have to do just what he tells me." "And what says the divine Wallachia?" "Poor Wally! She says nothing, but she thinks that I am a castaway and a recreant. I am a recreant, I know;--but yet I think that I was right. I know I could not help myself." "Of course you were right, my dear," said the sage Nora. "If you had the notion in your head, it was wise to get rid of it; but I knew how it would be when you spoke to him." "You were not so weak when he came to you." "That was altogether another thing. It was not arranged in heaven that I was to become his captive." After that Wallachia Petrie never again tried her influence on her former friend, but admitted to herself that the evil was done, and that it could not be remedied. According to her theory of life, Caroline Spalding had been wrong, and weak,--had shewn herself to be comfort-loving and luxuriously-minded, had looked to get her happiness from soft effeminate pleasures rather than from rational work and the useful, independent exercise of her own intelligence. In the privacy of her little chamber Wallachia Petrie shed,--not absolute tears,--but many tearful thoughts over her friend. It was to her a thing very terrible that the chosen one of her heart should prefer the career of an English lord's wife to that of an American citizeness, with all manner of capability for female voting, female speech-making, female poetising, and, perhaps, female political action before her. It was a thousand pities! "You may take a horse to water,"--said Wallachia to herself, thinking of the ever-freshly springing fountain of her own mind, at which Caroline Spalding would always have been made welcome freely to quench her thirst,--"but you cannot make him drink if he be not athirst." In the future she would have no friend. Never again would she subject herself to the disgrace of such a failure. But the sacrifice was to be made, and she knew that it was bootless to waste her words further on Caroline Spalding. She left Florence before the wedding, and returned alone to the land of liberty. She wrote a letter to Caroline explaining her conduct, and Caroline Spalding shewed the letter to her husband,--as one that was both loving and eloquent. "Very loving and very eloquent," he said. "But, nevertheless, one does think of sour grapes." "There I am sure you wrong her," said Caroline. CHAPTER LXXXII. MRS. FRENCH'S CARVING KNIFE. During these days there were terrible doings at Exeter. Camilla had sworn that if Mr. Gibson did not come to, there should be a tragedy, and it appeared that she was inclined to keep her word. Immediately after the receipt of her letter from Mr. Gibson she had had an interview with that gentleman in his lodgings, and had asked him his intentions. He had taken measures to fortify himself against such an attack; but, whatever those measures were, Camilla had broken through them. She had stood before him as he sat in his arm-chair, and he had been dumb in her presence. It had perhaps been well for him that the eloquence of her indignation had been so great that she had hardly been able to pause a moment for a reply. "Will you take your letter back again?" she had said. "I should be wrong to do that," he had lisped out in reply, "because it is true. As a Christian minister I could not stand with you at the altar with a lie in my mouth." In no other way did he attempt to excuse himself,--but that, twice repeated, filled up all the pause which she made for him. [Illustration: Camilla's wrath.] There never had been such a case before,--so impudent, so cruel, so gross, so uncalled for, so unmanly, so unnecessary, so unjustifiable, so damnable,--so sure of eternal condemnation! All this she said to him with loud voice, and clenched fist, and starting eyes,--regardless utterly of any listeners on the stairs, or of outside passers in the street. In very truth she was moved to a sublimity of indignation. Her low nature became nearly poetic under the wrong inflicted upon her. She was almost tempted to tear him with her hands, and inflict upon him at the moment some terrible vengeance which should be told of for ever in the annals of Exeter. A man so mean as he, so weak, so cowardly, one so little of a hero;--that he should dare to do it, and dare to sit there before her, and to say that he would do it! "Your gown shall be torn off your back, sir, and the very boys of Exeter shall drag you through the gutters!" To this threat he said nothing, but sat mute, hiding his face in his hands. "And now tell me this, sir;--is there anything between you and Bella?" But there was no voice in reply. "Answer my question, sir. I have a right to ask it." Still he said not a word. "Listen to me. Sooner than that you and she should be man and wife, I would stab her! Yes, I would;--you poor, paltry, lying, cowardly creature!" She remained with him for more than half an hour, and then banged out of the room flashing back a look of scorn at him as she went. Martha, before that day was over, had learned the whole story from Mr. Gibson's cook, and had told her mistress. "I did not think he had so much spirit in him," was Miss Stanbury's answer. Throughout Exeter the great wonder arising from the crisis was the amount of spirit which had been displayed by Mr. Gibson. When he was left alone he shook himself, and began to think that if there were danger that such interviews might occur frequently he had better leave Exeter for good. As he put his hand over his forehead, he declared to himself that a very little more of that kind of thing would kill him. When a couple of hours had passed over his head he shook himself again, and sat down and wrote a letter to his intended mother-in-law. I do not mean to complain [he said], God knows I have no right; but I cannot stand a repetition of what has occurred just now. If your younger daughter comes to see me again I must refuse to see her, and shall leave the town. I am ready to make what reparation may be possible for the mistake into which I have fallen. T. G. Mrs. French was no doubt much afraid of her younger daughter, but she was less afraid of her than were other people. Familiarity, they say, breeds contempt; and who can be so familiar with a child as its parent? She did not in her heart believe that Camilla would murder anybody, and she fully realised the conviction that, even after all that was come and gone, it would be better that one of her daughters should have a husband than that neither should be so blessed. If only Camilla could be got out of Exeter for a few months,--how good a thing it would be for them all! She had a brother in Gloucester,--if only he could be got to take Camilla for a few months! And then, too, she knew that if the true rights of her two daughters were strictly and impartially examined, Arabella's claim was much stronger than any that Camilla could put forward to the hand of Mr. Gibson. "You must not go there again, Camilla," the mother said. "I shall go whenever I please," replied the fury. "Now, Camilla, we may as well understand each other. I will not have it done. If I am provoked, I will send to your uncle at Gloucester." Now the uncle at Gloucester was a timber merchant, a man with protuberant eyes and a great square chin,--known to be a very stern man indeed, and not at all afraid of young women. "What do I care for my uncle? My uncle would take my part." "No, he would not. The truth is, Camilla, you interfered with Bella first." "Mamma, how dare you say so!" "You did, my dear. And these are the consequences." "And you mean to say that she is to be Mrs. Gibson?" "I say nothing about that. But I do not see why they shouldn't be married if their hearts are inclined to each other." "I will die first!" "Your dying has nothing to do with it, Camilla." "And I will kill her!" "If you speak to me again in that way I will write to your uncle at Gloucester. I have done the best I could for you both, and I will not bear such treatment." "And how am I treated?" "You should not have interfered with your sister." "You are all in a conspiracy together," shouted Camilla, "you are! There never was anybody so badly treated,--never,--never,--never! What will everybody say of me?" "They will pity you, if you will be quiet." "I don't want to be pitied;--I won't be pitied. I wish I could die,--and I will die! Anybody else would, at any rate, have had their mother and sister with them!" Then she burst into a flood of real, true, womanly tears. After this there was a lull at Heavitree for a few days. Camilla did not speak to her sister, but she condescended to hold some intercourse with her mother, and to take her meals at the family table. She did not go out of the house, but she employed herself in her own room, doing no one knew what, with all that new clothing and household gear which was to have been transferred in her train to Mr. Gibson's house. Mrs. French was somewhat uneasy about the new clothing and household gear, feeling that, in the event of Bella's marriage, at least a considerable portion of it must be transferred to the new bride. But it was impossible at the present moment to open such a subject to Camilla;--it would have been as a proposition to a lioness respecting the taking away of her whelps. Nevertheless, the day must soon come in which something must be said about the clothing and household gear. All the property that had been sent into the house at Camilla's orders could not be allowed to remain as Camilla's perquisites, now that Camilla was not to be married. "Do you know what she is doing, my dear?" said Mrs. French to her elder daughter. "Perhaps she is picking out the marks," said Bella. "I don't think she would do that as yet," said Mrs. French. "She might just as well leave it alone," said Bella, feeling that one of the two letters would do for her. But neither of them dared to speak to her of her occupation in these first days of her despair. Mr. Gibson in the meantime remained at home, or only left his house to go to the Cathedral or to visit the narrow confines of his little parish. When he was out he felt that everybody looked at him, and it seemed to him that people whispered about him when they saw him at his usual desk in the choir. His friends passed him merely bowing to him, and he was aware that he had done that which would be regarded by every one around him as unpardonable. And yet,--what ought he to have done? He acknowledged to himself that he had been very foolish, mad,--quite demented at the moment,--when he allowed himself to think it possible that he should marry Camilla French. But having found out how mad he had been at that moment, having satisfied himself that to live with her as his wife would be impossible, was he not right to break the engagement? Could anything be so wicked as marrying a woman whom he--hated? Thus he tried to excuse himself; but yet he knew that all the world would condemn him. Life in Exeter would be impossible, if no way to social pardon could be opened for him. He was willing to do anything within bounds in mitigation of his offence. He would give up fifty pounds a year to Camilla for his life,--or he would marry Bella. Yes; he would marry Bella at once,--if Camilla would only consent, and give up that idea of stabbing some one. Bella French was not very nice in his eyes; but she was quiet, he thought, and it might be possible to live with her. Nevertheless, he told himself over and over again that the manner in which unmarried men with incomes were set upon by ladies in want of husbands was very disgraceful to the country at large. That mission to Natal which had once been offered to him would have had charms for him now, of which he had not recognised the force when he rejected it. "Do you think that he ever was really engaged to her?" Dorothy said to her aunt. Dorothy was now living in a seventh heaven of happiness, writing love-letters to Brooke Burgess every other day, and devoting to this occupation a number of hours of which she ought to have been ashamed; making her purchases for her wedding,--with nothing, however, of the magnificence of a Camilla,--but discussing everything with her aunt, who urged her on to extravagances which seemed beyond the scope of her own economical ideas; settling, or trying to settle, little difficulties which perplexed her somewhat, and wondering at her own career. She could not of course be married without the presence of her mother and sister, and her aunt,--with something of a grim courtesy,--had intimated that they should be made welcome to the house in the Close for the special occasion. But nothing had been said about Hugh. The wedding was to be in the Cathedral, and Dorothy had a little scheme in her head for meeting her brother among the aisles. He would no doubt come down with Brooke, and nothing perhaps need be said about it to Aunt Stanbury. But still it was a trouble. Her aunt had been so good that Dorothy felt that no step should be taken which would vex the old woman. It was evident enough that when permission had been given for the visit of Mrs. Stanbury and Priscilla, Hugh's name had been purposely kept back. There had been no accidental omission. Dorothy, therefore, did not dare to mention it,--and yet it was essential for her happiness that he should be there. At the present moment Miss Stanbury's intense interest in the Stanbury wedding was somewhat mitigated by the excitement occasioned by Mr. Gibson's refusal to be married. Dorothy was so shocked that she could not bring herself to believe the statement that had reached them through Martha. "Of course he was engaged to her. We all knew that," said Miss Stanbury. "I think there must have been some mistake," said Dorothy. "I don't see how he could do it." "There is no knowing what people can do, my dear, when they're hard driven. I suppose we shall have a lawsuit now, and he'll have to pay ever so much money. Well, well, well! see what a deal of trouble you might have saved!" "But he'd have done the same to me, aunt;--only, you know, I never could have taken him. Isn't it better as it is, aunt? Tell me." "I suppose young women always think it best when they can get their own ways. An old woman like me has only got to do what she is bid." "But this was best, aunt;--was it not?" "My dear, you've had your way, and let that be enough. Poor Camilla French is not allowed to have hers at all. Dear, dear, dear! I didn't think the man would ever have been such a fool to begin with;--or that he would ever have had the heart to get out of it afterwards." It astonished Dorothy to find that her aunt was not loud in reprobation of Mr. Gibson's very dreadful conduct. In the meantime Mrs. French had written to her brother at Gloucester. The maid-servant, in making Miss Camilla's bed, and in "putting the room to rights," as she called it,--which description probably was intended to cover the circumstances of an accurate search,--had discovered, hidden among some linen,--a carving knife! such a knife as is used for the cutting up of fowls; and, after two days' interval, had imparted the discovery to Mrs. French. Instant visit was made to the pantry, and it was found that a very aged but unbroken and sharply-pointed weapon was missing. Mrs. French at once accused Camilla, and Camilla, after some hesitation, admitted that it might be there. Molly, she said, was a nasty, sly, wicked thing, to go looking in her drawers, and she would never leave anything unlocked again. The knife, she declared, had been taken up-stairs, because she had wanted something very sharp to cut,--the bones of her stays. The knife was given up, but Mrs. French thought it best to write to her brother, Mr. Crump. She was in great doubt about sundry matters. Had the carving knife really pointed to a domestic tragedy;--and if so, what steps ought a poor widow to take with such a daughter? And what ought to be done about Mr. Gibson? It ran through Mrs. French's mind that unless something were done at once, Mr. Gibson would escape scot free. It was her wish that he should yet become her son-in-law. Poor Bella was entitled to her chance. But if Bella was to be disappointed,--from fear of carving knives, or for other reasons,--then there came the question whether Mr. Gibson should not be made to pay in purse for the mischief he had done. With all these thoughts and doubts running through her head, Mrs. French wrote to her brother at Gloucester. There came back an answer from Mr. Crump, in which that gentleman expressed a very strong idea that Mr. Gibson should be prosecuted for damages with the utmost virulence, and with the least possible delay. No compromise should be accepted. Mr. Crump would himself come to Exeter and see the lawyer as soon as he should be told that there was a lawyer to be seen. As to the carving knife, Mr. Crump was of opinion that it did not mean anything. Mr. Crump was a gentleman who did not believe in strong romance, but who had great trust in all pecuniary claims. The Frenches had always been genteel. The late Captain French had been an officer in the army, and at ordinary times and seasons the Frenches were rather ashamed of the Crump connection. But now the timber merchant might prove himself to be a useful friend. Mrs. French shewed her brother's letter to Bella,--and poor Bella was again sore-hearted, seeing that nothing was said in it of her claims. "It will be dreadful scandal to have it all in the papers!" said Bella. "But what can we do?" "Anything would be better than that," said Bella. "And you don't want to punish Mr. Gibson, mamma." "But, my dear, you see what your uncle says. What can I do, except go to him for advice?" "Why don't you go to Mr. Gibson yourself, mamma?" But nothing was said to Camilla about Mr. Crump;--nothing as yet. Camilla did not love Mr. Crump, but there was no other house except that of Mr. Crump's at Gloucester to which she might be sent, if it could be arranged that Mr. Gibson and Bella should be made one. Mrs. French took her eldest daughter's advice, and went to Mr. Gibson;--taking Mr. Crump's letter in her pocket. For herself she wanted nothing,--but was it not the duty of her whole life to fight for her daughters? Poor woman! If somebody would only have taught her how that duty might best be done, she would have endeavoured to obey the teaching. "You know I do not want to threaten you," she said to Mr. Gibson; "but you see what my brother says. Of course I wrote to my brother. What could a poor woman do in such circumstances except write to her brother?" "If you choose to set the bloodhounds of the law at me, of course you can," said Mr. Gibson. "I do not want to go to law at all;--God knows I do not!" said Mrs. French. Then there was a pause. "Poor dear Bella!" ejaculated Mrs. French. "Dear Bella!" echoed Mr. Gibson. "What do you mean to do about Bella?" asked Mrs. French. "I sometimes think that I had better take poison and have done with it!" said Mr. Gibson, feeling himself to be very hard pressed. CHAPTER LXXXIII. BELLA VICTRIX. Mr. Crump arrived at Exeter. Camilla was not told of his coming till the morning of the day on which he arrived; and then the tidings were communicated, because it was necessary that a change should be made in the bed-rooms. She and her sister had separate rooms when there was no visitor with them, but now Mr. Crump must be accommodated. There was a long consultation between Bella and Mrs. French, but at last it was decided that Bella should sleep with her mother. There would still be too much of the lioness about Camilla to allow of her being regarded as a safe companion through the watches of the night. "Why is Uncle Jonas coming now?" she asked. "I thought it better to ask him," said Mrs. French. After a long pause, Camilla asked another question. "Does Uncle Jonas mean to see Mr. Gibson?" "I suppose he will," said Mrs. French. "Then he will see a low, mean fellow;--the lowest, meanest fellow that ever was heard of! But that won't make much difference to Uncle Jonas. I wouldn't have him now, if he was to ask me ever so;--that I wouldn't!" Mr. Crump came, and kissed his sister and two nieces. The embrace with Camilla was not very affectionate. "So your Joe has been and jilted you?" said Uncle Jonas;--"it's like one of them clergymen. They say so many prayers, they think they may do almost anything afterwards. Another man would have had his head punched." "The less talk there is about it the better," said Camilla. On the following day Mr. Crump called by appointment on Mr. Gibson, and remained closeted with that gentleman for the greater portion of the morning. Camilla knew well that he was going, and went about the house like a perturbed spirit during his absence. There was a look about her that made them all doubt whether she was not, in truth, losing her mind. Her mother more than once went to the pantry to see that the knives were right; and, as regarded that sharp-pointed weapon, was careful to lock it up carefully out of her daughter's way. Mr. Crump had declared himself willing to take Camilla back to Gloucester, and had laughed at the obstacles which his niece might, perhaps, throw in the way of such an arrangement. "She mustn't have much luggage;--that is all," said Mr. Crump. For Mr. Crump had been made aware of the circumstances of the trousseau. About three o'clock Mr. Crump came back from Mr. Gibson's, and expressed a desire to be left alone with Camilla. Mrs. French was prepared for everything; and Mr. Crump soon found himself with his younger niece. "Camilla, my dear," said he, "this has been a bad business." "I don't know what business you mean, Uncle Jonas." "Yes, you do, my dear;--you know. And I hope it won't come too late to prove to you that young women shouldn't be too keen in setting their caps at the gentlemen. It's better for them to be hunted, than to hunt." "Uncle Jonas, I will not be insulted." "Stick to that, my dear, and you won't get into a scrape again. Now, look here. This man can never be made to marry you, anyhow." "I wouldn't touch him with a pair of tongs, if he were kneeling at my feet!" "That's right; stick to that. Of course, you wouldn't now, after all that has come and gone. No girl with any spirit would." "He's a coward and a thief, and he'll be--damned for what he has done, some of these days!" "T-ch, t-ch, t-ch! That isn't a proper way for a young lady to talk. That's cursing and swearing." "It isn't cursing and swearing;--it's what the Bible says." "Then we'll leave him to the Bible. In the meantime, Mr. Gibson wants to marry some one else, and that can't hurt you." "He may marry whom he likes;--but he shan't marry Bella--that's all!" "It is Bella that he means to marry." "Then he won't. I'll forbid the banns. I'll write to the bishop. I'll go to the church and prevent its being done. I'll make such a noise in the town that it can't be done. It's no use your looking at me like that, Uncle Jonas. I've got my own feelings, and he shall never marry Bella. It's what they have been intending all through, and it shan't be done!" "It will be done." "Uncle Jonas, I'll stab her to the heart, and him too, before I'll see it done! Though I were to be killed the next day, I would. Could you bear it?" "I'm not a young woman. Now, I'll tell you what I want you to do." "I'll not do anything." "Just pack up your things, and start with me to Gloucester to-morrow." "I--won't!" "Then you'll be carried, my dear. I'll write to your aunt, to say that you're coming; and we'll be as jolly as possible when we get you home." "I won't go to Gloucester, Uncle Jonas. I won't go away from Exeter. I won't let it be done. She shall never, never, never be that man's wife!" Nevertheless, on the day but one after this, Camilla French did go to Gloucester. Before she went, however, things had to be done in that house which almost made Mrs. French repent that she had sent for so stern an assistant. Camilla was at last told, in so many words, that the things which she had prepared for her own wedding must be given up for the wedding of her sister; and it seemed that this item in the list of her sorrows troubled her

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How many times the word 'food' appears in the text?

As he said this, he heard a step behind them, and turning round saw Wallachia there almost before he could drop his arm. "I am sorry that I have intruded on you," she said very grimly. "Not in the least," said Mr. Glascock. "Caroline and I have had a little dispute, but we have settled it without coming to blows." "I do not suppose that an English gentleman ever absolutely strikes a lady," said Wallachia Petrie. "Not except on strong provocation," said Mr. Glascock. "In reference to wives, a stick is allowed as big as your thumb." "I have heard that it is so by the laws of England," said Wallachia. "How can you be so ridiculous, Wally!" said Caroline. "There is nothing that you would not believe." "I hope that it may never be true in your case," said Wallachia. A couple of days after this Miss Spalding found that it was absolutely necessary that she should explain the circumstances of her position to Nora. She had left Nora with the purpose of performing a very high-minded action, of sacrificing herself for the sake of her lover, of giving up all her golden prospects, and of becoming once again the bosom friend of Wallachia Petrie, with this simple consolation for her future life,--that she had refused to marry an English nobleman because the English nobleman's condition was unsuited to her. It would have been an episode in female life in which pride might be taken;--but all that was now changed. She had made her little attempt,--had made it, as she felt, in a very languid manner, and had found herself treated as a child for doing so. Of course she was happy in her ill success; of course she would have been broken-hearted had she succeeded. But, nevertheless, she was somewhat lowered in her own esteem, and it was necessary that she should acknowledge the truth to the friend whom she had consulted. A day or two had passed before she found herself alone with Nora, but when she did so she confessed her failure at once. "You told him all, then?" said Nora. "Oh yes, I told him all. That is, I could not really tell him. When the moment came I had no words." "And what did he say?" "He had words enough. I never knew him to be eloquent before." "He can speak out if he likes," said Nora. "So I have found,--with a vengeance. Nobody was ever so put down as I was. Don't you know that there are times when it does not seem to be worth your while to put out your strength against an adversary? So it was with him. He just told me that he was my master, and that I was to do as he bade me." "And what did you say?" "I promised to be a good girl," said Caroline, "and not to pretend to have any opinion of my own ever again. And so we kissed, and were friends." "I dare say there was a kiss, my dear." "Of course there was;--and he held me in his arms, and comforted me, and told me how to behave;--just as you would do a little girl. It's all over now, of course; and if there be a mistake, it is his fault. I feel that all responsibility is gone from myself, and that for all the rest of my life I have to do just what he tells me." "And what says the divine Wallachia?" "Poor Wally! She says nothing, but she thinks that I am a castaway and a recreant. I am a recreant, I know;--but yet I think that I was right. I know I could not help myself." "Of course you were right, my dear," said the sage Nora. "If you had the notion in your head, it was wise to get rid of it; but I knew how it would be when you spoke to him." "You were not so weak when he came to you." "That was altogether another thing. It was not arranged in heaven that I was to become his captive." After that Wallachia Petrie never again tried her influence on her former friend, but admitted to herself that the evil was done, and that it could not be remedied. According to her theory of life, Caroline Spalding had been wrong, and weak,--had shewn herself to be comfort-loving and luxuriously-minded, had looked to get her happiness from soft effeminate pleasures rather than from rational work and the useful, independent exercise of her own intelligence. In the privacy of her little chamber Wallachia Petrie shed,--not absolute tears,--but many tearful thoughts over her friend. It was to her a thing very terrible that the chosen one of her heart should prefer the career of an English lord's wife to that of an American citizeness, with all manner of capability for female voting, female speech-making, female poetising, and, perhaps, female political action before her. It was a thousand pities! "You may take a horse to water,"--said Wallachia to herself, thinking of the ever-freshly springing fountain of her own mind, at which Caroline Spalding would always have been made welcome freely to quench her thirst,--"but you cannot make him drink if he be not athirst." In the future she would have no friend. Never again would she subject herself to the disgrace of such a failure. But the sacrifice was to be made, and she knew that it was bootless to waste her words further on Caroline Spalding. She left Florence before the wedding, and returned alone to the land of liberty. She wrote a letter to Caroline explaining her conduct, and Caroline Spalding shewed the letter to her husband,--as one that was both loving and eloquent. "Very loving and very eloquent," he said. "But, nevertheless, one does think of sour grapes." "There I am sure you wrong her," said Caroline. CHAPTER LXXXII. MRS. FRENCH'S CARVING KNIFE. During these days there were terrible doings at Exeter. Camilla had sworn that if Mr. Gibson did not come to, there should be a tragedy, and it appeared that she was inclined to keep her word. Immediately after the receipt of her letter from Mr. Gibson she had had an interview with that gentleman in his lodgings, and had asked him his intentions. He had taken measures to fortify himself against such an attack; but, whatever those measures were, Camilla had broken through them. She had stood before him as he sat in his arm-chair, and he had been dumb in her presence. It had perhaps been well for him that the eloquence of her indignation had been so great that she had hardly been able to pause a moment for a reply. "Will you take your letter back again?" she had said. "I should be wrong to do that," he had lisped out in reply, "because it is true. As a Christian minister I could not stand with you at the altar with a lie in my mouth." In no other way did he attempt to excuse himself,--but that, twice repeated, filled up all the pause which she made for him. [Illustration: Camilla's wrath.] There never had been such a case before,--so impudent, so cruel, so gross, so uncalled for, so unmanly, so unnecessary, so unjustifiable, so damnable,--so sure of eternal condemnation! All this she said to him with loud voice, and clenched fist, and starting eyes,--regardless utterly of any listeners on the stairs, or of outside passers in the street. In very truth she was moved to a sublimity of indignation. Her low nature became nearly poetic under the wrong inflicted upon her. She was almost tempted to tear him with her hands, and inflict upon him at the moment some terrible vengeance which should be told of for ever in the annals of Exeter. A man so mean as he, so weak, so cowardly, one so little of a hero;--that he should dare to do it, and dare to sit there before her, and to say that he would do it! "Your gown shall be torn off your back, sir, and the very boys of Exeter shall drag you through the gutters!" To this threat he said nothing, but sat mute, hiding his face in his hands. "And now tell me this, sir;--is there anything between you and Bella?" But there was no voice in reply. "Answer my question, sir. I have a right to ask it." Still he said not a word. "Listen to me. Sooner than that you and she should be man and wife, I would stab her! Yes, I would;--you poor, paltry, lying, cowardly creature!" She remained with him for more than half an hour, and then banged out of the room flashing back a look of scorn at him as she went. Martha, before that day was over, had learned the whole story from Mr. Gibson's cook, and had told her mistress. "I did not think he had so much spirit in him," was Miss Stanbury's answer. Throughout Exeter the great wonder arising from the crisis was the amount of spirit which had been displayed by Mr. Gibson. When he was left alone he shook himself, and began to think that if there were danger that such interviews might occur frequently he had better leave Exeter for good. As he put his hand over his forehead, he declared to himself that a very little more of that kind of thing would kill him. When a couple of hours had passed over his head he shook himself again, and sat down and wrote a letter to his intended mother-in-law. I do not mean to complain [he said], God knows I have no right; but I cannot stand a repetition of what has occurred just now. If your younger daughter comes to see me again I must refuse to see her, and shall leave the town. I am ready to make what reparation may be possible for the mistake into which I have fallen. T. G. Mrs. French was no doubt much afraid of her younger daughter, but she was less afraid of her than were other people. Familiarity, they say, breeds contempt; and who can be so familiar with a child as its parent? She did not in her heart believe that Camilla would murder anybody, and she fully realised the conviction that, even after all that was come and gone, it would be better that one of her daughters should have a husband than that neither should be so blessed. If only Camilla could be got out of Exeter for a few months,--how good a thing it would be for them all! She had a brother in Gloucester,--if only he could be got to take Camilla for a few months! And then, too, she knew that if the true rights of her two daughters were strictly and impartially examined, Arabella's claim was much stronger than any that Camilla could put forward to the hand of Mr. Gibson. "You must not go there again, Camilla," the mother said. "I shall go whenever I please," replied the fury. "Now, Camilla, we may as well understand each other. I will not have it done. If I am provoked, I will send to your uncle at Gloucester." Now the uncle at Gloucester was a timber merchant, a man with protuberant eyes and a great square chin,--known to be a very stern man indeed, and not at all afraid of young women. "What do I care for my uncle? My uncle would take my part." "No, he would not. The truth is, Camilla, you interfered with Bella first." "Mamma, how dare you say so!" "You did, my dear. And these are the consequences." "And you mean to say that she is to be Mrs. Gibson?" "I say nothing about that. But I do not see why they shouldn't be married if their hearts are inclined to each other." "I will die first!" "Your dying has nothing to do with it, Camilla." "And I will kill her!" "If you speak to me again in that way I will write to your uncle at Gloucester. I have done the best I could for you both, and I will not bear such treatment." "And how am I treated?" "You should not have interfered with your sister." "You are all in a conspiracy together," shouted Camilla, "you are! There never was anybody so badly treated,--never,--never,--never! What will everybody say of me?" "They will pity you, if you will be quiet." "I don't want to be pitied;--I won't be pitied. I wish I could die,--and I will die! Anybody else would, at any rate, have had their mother and sister with them!" Then she burst into a flood of real, true, womanly tears. After this there was a lull at Heavitree for a few days. Camilla did not speak to her sister, but she condescended to hold some intercourse with her mother, and to take her meals at the family table. She did not go out of the house, but she employed herself in her own room, doing no one knew what, with all that new clothing and household gear which was to have been transferred in her train to Mr. Gibson's house. Mrs. French was somewhat uneasy about the new clothing and household gear, feeling that, in the event of Bella's marriage, at least a considerable portion of it must be transferred to the new bride. But it was impossible at the present moment to open such a subject to Camilla;--it would have been as a proposition to a lioness respecting the taking away of her whelps. Nevertheless, the day must soon come in which something must be said about the clothing and household gear. All the property that had been sent into the house at Camilla's orders could not be allowed to remain as Camilla's perquisites, now that Camilla was not to be married. "Do you know what she is doing, my dear?" said Mrs. French to her elder daughter. "Perhaps she is picking out the marks," said Bella. "I don't think she would do that as yet," said Mrs. French. "She might just as well leave it alone," said Bella, feeling that one of the two letters would do for her. But neither of them dared to speak to her of her occupation in these first days of her despair. Mr. Gibson in the meantime remained at home, or only left his house to go to the Cathedral or to visit the narrow confines of his little parish. When he was out he felt that everybody looked at him, and it seemed to him that people whispered about him when they saw him at his usual desk in the choir. His friends passed him merely bowing to him, and he was aware that he had done that which would be regarded by every one around him as unpardonable. And yet,--what ought he to have done? He acknowledged to himself that he had been very foolish, mad,--quite demented at the moment,--when he allowed himself to think it possible that he should marry Camilla French. But having found out how mad he had been at that moment, having satisfied himself that to live with her as his wife would be impossible, was he not right to break the engagement? Could anything be so wicked as marrying a woman whom he--hated? Thus he tried to excuse himself; but yet he knew that all the world would condemn him. Life in Exeter would be impossible, if no way to social pardon could be opened for him. He was willing to do anything within bounds in mitigation of his offence. He would give up fifty pounds a year to Camilla for his life,--or he would marry Bella. Yes; he would marry Bella at once,--if Camilla would only consent, and give up that idea of stabbing some one. Bella French was not very nice in his eyes; but she was quiet, he thought, and it might be possible to live with her. Nevertheless, he told himself over and over again that the manner in which unmarried men with incomes were set upon by ladies in want of husbands was very disgraceful to the country at large. That mission to Natal which had once been offered to him would have had charms for him now, of which he had not recognised the force when he rejected it. "Do you think that he ever was really engaged to her?" Dorothy said to her aunt. Dorothy was now living in a seventh heaven of happiness, writing love-letters to Brooke Burgess every other day, and devoting to this occupation a number of hours of which she ought to have been ashamed; making her purchases for her wedding,--with nothing, however, of the magnificence of a Camilla,--but discussing everything with her aunt, who urged her on to extravagances which seemed beyond the scope of her own economical ideas; settling, or trying to settle, little difficulties which perplexed her somewhat, and wondering at her own career. She could not of course be married without the presence of her mother and sister, and her aunt,--with something of a grim courtesy,--had intimated that they should be made welcome to the house in the Close for the special occasion. But nothing had been said about Hugh. The wedding was to be in the Cathedral, and Dorothy had a little scheme in her head for meeting her brother among the aisles. He would no doubt come down with Brooke, and nothing perhaps need be said about it to Aunt Stanbury. But still it was a trouble. Her aunt had been so good that Dorothy felt that no step should be taken which would vex the old woman. It was evident enough that when permission had been given for the visit of Mrs. Stanbury and Priscilla, Hugh's name had been purposely kept back. There had been no accidental omission. Dorothy, therefore, did not dare to mention it,--and yet it was essential for her happiness that he should be there. At the present moment Miss Stanbury's intense interest in the Stanbury wedding was somewhat mitigated by the excitement occasioned by Mr. Gibson's refusal to be married. Dorothy was so shocked that she could not bring herself to believe the statement that had reached them through Martha. "Of course he was engaged to her. We all knew that," said Miss Stanbury. "I think there must have been some mistake," said Dorothy. "I don't see how he could do it." "There is no knowing what people can do, my dear, when they're hard driven. I suppose we shall have a lawsuit now, and he'll have to pay ever so much money. Well, well, well! see what a deal of trouble you might have saved!" "But he'd have done the same to me, aunt;--only, you know, I never could have taken him. Isn't it better as it is, aunt? Tell me." "I suppose young women always think it best when they can get their own ways. An old woman like me has only got to do what she is bid." "But this was best, aunt;--was it not?" "My dear, you've had your way, and let that be enough. Poor Camilla French is not allowed to have hers at all. Dear, dear, dear! I didn't think the man would ever have been such a fool to begin with;--or that he would ever have had the heart to get out of it afterwards." It astonished Dorothy to find that her aunt was not loud in reprobation of Mr. Gibson's very dreadful conduct. In the meantime Mrs. French had written to her brother at Gloucester. The maid-servant, in making Miss Camilla's bed, and in "putting the room to rights," as she called it,--which description probably was intended to cover the circumstances of an accurate search,--had discovered, hidden among some linen,--a carving knife! such a knife as is used for the cutting up of fowls; and, after two days' interval, had imparted the discovery to Mrs. French. Instant visit was made to the pantry, and it was found that a very aged but unbroken and sharply-pointed weapon was missing. Mrs. French at once accused Camilla, and Camilla, after some hesitation, admitted that it might be there. Molly, she said, was a nasty, sly, wicked thing, to go looking in her drawers, and she would never leave anything unlocked again. The knife, she declared, had been taken up-stairs, because she had wanted something very sharp to cut,--the bones of her stays. The knife was given up, but Mrs. French thought it best to write to her brother, Mr. Crump. She was in great doubt about sundry matters. Had the carving knife really pointed to a domestic tragedy;--and if so, what steps ought a poor widow to take with such a daughter? And what ought to be done about Mr. Gibson? It ran through Mrs. French's mind that unless something were done at once, Mr. Gibson would escape scot free. It was her wish that he should yet become her son-in-law. Poor Bella was entitled to her chance. But if Bella was to be disappointed,--from fear of carving knives, or for other reasons,--then there came the question whether Mr. Gibson should not be made to pay in purse for the mischief he had done. With all these thoughts and doubts running through her head, Mrs. French wrote to her brother at Gloucester. There came back an answer from Mr. Crump, in which that gentleman expressed a very strong idea that Mr. Gibson should be prosecuted for damages with the utmost virulence, and with the least possible delay. No compromise should be accepted. Mr. Crump would himself come to Exeter and see the lawyer as soon as he should be told that there was a lawyer to be seen. As to the carving knife, Mr. Crump was of opinion that it did not mean anything. Mr. Crump was a gentleman who did not believe in strong romance, but who had great trust in all pecuniary claims. The Frenches had always been genteel. The late Captain French had been an officer in the army, and at ordinary times and seasons the Frenches were rather ashamed of the Crump connection. But now the timber merchant might prove himself to be a useful friend. Mrs. French shewed her brother's letter to Bella,--and poor Bella was again sore-hearted, seeing that nothing was said in it of her claims. "It will be dreadful scandal to have it all in the papers!" said Bella. "But what can we do?" "Anything would be better than that," said Bella. "And you don't want to punish Mr. Gibson, mamma." "But, my dear, you see what your uncle says. What can I do, except go to him for advice?" "Why don't you go to Mr. Gibson yourself, mamma?" But nothing was said to Camilla about Mr. Crump;--nothing as yet. Camilla did not love Mr. Crump, but there was no other house except that of Mr. Crump's at Gloucester to which she might be sent, if it could be arranged that Mr. Gibson and Bella should be made one. Mrs. French took her eldest daughter's advice, and went to Mr. Gibson;--taking Mr. Crump's letter in her pocket. For herself she wanted nothing,--but was it not the duty of her whole life to fight for her daughters? Poor woman! If somebody would only have taught her how that duty might best be done, she would have endeavoured to obey the teaching. "You know I do not want to threaten you," she said to Mr. Gibson; "but you see what my brother says. Of course I wrote to my brother. What could a poor woman do in such circumstances except write to her brother?" "If you choose to set the bloodhounds of the law at me, of course you can," said Mr. Gibson. "I do not want to go to law at all;--God knows I do not!" said Mrs. French. Then there was a pause. "Poor dear Bella!" ejaculated Mrs. French. "Dear Bella!" echoed Mr. Gibson. "What do you mean to do about Bella?" asked Mrs. French. "I sometimes think that I had better take poison and have done with it!" said Mr. Gibson, feeling himself to be very hard pressed. CHAPTER LXXXIII. BELLA VICTRIX. Mr. Crump arrived at Exeter. Camilla was not told of his coming till the morning of the day on which he arrived; and then the tidings were communicated, because it was necessary that a change should be made in the bed-rooms. She and her sister had separate rooms when there was no visitor with them, but now Mr. Crump must be accommodated. There was a long consultation between Bella and Mrs. French, but at last it was decided that Bella should sleep with her mother. There would still be too much of the lioness about Camilla to allow of her being regarded as a safe companion through the watches of the night. "Why is Uncle Jonas coming now?" she asked. "I thought it better to ask him," said Mrs. French. After a long pause, Camilla asked another question. "Does Uncle Jonas mean to see Mr. Gibson?" "I suppose he will," said Mrs. French. "Then he will see a low, mean fellow;--the lowest, meanest fellow that ever was heard of! But that won't make much difference to Uncle Jonas. I wouldn't have him now, if he was to ask me ever so;--that I wouldn't!" Mr. Crump came, and kissed his sister and two nieces. The embrace with Camilla was not very affectionate. "So your Joe has been and jilted you?" said Uncle Jonas;--"it's like one of them clergymen. They say so many prayers, they think they may do almost anything afterwards. Another man would have had his head punched." "The less talk there is about it the better," said Camilla. On the following day Mr. Crump called by appointment on Mr. Gibson, and remained closeted with that gentleman for the greater portion of the morning. Camilla knew well that he was going, and went about the house like a perturbed spirit during his absence. There was a look about her that made them all doubt whether she was not, in truth, losing her mind. Her mother more than once went to the pantry to see that the knives were right; and, as regarded that sharp-pointed weapon, was careful to lock it up carefully out of her daughter's way. Mr. Crump had declared himself willing to take Camilla back to Gloucester, and had laughed at the obstacles which his niece might, perhaps, throw in the way of such an arrangement. "She mustn't have much luggage;--that is all," said Mr. Crump. For Mr. Crump had been made aware of the circumstances of the trousseau. About three o'clock Mr. Crump came back from Mr. Gibson's, and expressed a desire to be left alone with Camilla. Mrs. French was prepared for everything; and Mr. Crump soon found himself with his younger niece. "Camilla, my dear," said he, "this has been a bad business." "I don't know what business you mean, Uncle Jonas." "Yes, you do, my dear;--you know. And I hope it won't come too late to prove to you that young women shouldn't be too keen in setting their caps at the gentlemen. It's better for them to be hunted, than to hunt." "Uncle Jonas, I will not be insulted." "Stick to that, my dear, and you won't get into a scrape again. Now, look here. This man can never be made to marry you, anyhow." "I wouldn't touch him with a pair of tongs, if he were kneeling at my feet!" "That's right; stick to that. Of course, you wouldn't now, after all that has come and gone. No girl with any spirit would." "He's a coward and a thief, and he'll be--damned for what he has done, some of these days!" "T-ch, t-ch, t-ch! That isn't a proper way for a young lady to talk. That's cursing and swearing." "It isn't cursing and swearing;--it's what the Bible says." "Then we'll leave him to the Bible. In the meantime, Mr. Gibson wants to marry some one else, and that can't hurt you." "He may marry whom he likes;--but he shan't marry Bella--that's all!" "It is Bella that he means to marry." "Then he won't. I'll forbid the banns. I'll write to the bishop. I'll go to the church and prevent its being done. I'll make such a noise in the town that it can't be done. It's no use your looking at me like that, Uncle Jonas. I've got my own feelings, and he shall never marry Bella. It's what they have been intending all through, and it shan't be done!" "It will be done." "Uncle Jonas, I'll stab her to the heart, and him too, before I'll see it done! Though I were to be killed the next day, I would. Could you bear it?" "I'm not a young woman. Now, I'll tell you what I want you to do." "I'll not do anything." "Just pack up your things, and start with me to Gloucester to-morrow." "I--won't!" "Then you'll be carried, my dear. I'll write to your aunt, to say that you're coming; and we'll be as jolly as possible when we get you home." "I won't go to Gloucester, Uncle Jonas. I won't go away from Exeter. I won't let it be done. She shall never, never, never be that man's wife!" Nevertheless, on the day but one after this, Camilla French did go to Gloucester. Before she went, however, things had to be done in that house which almost made Mrs. French repent that she had sent for so stern an assistant. Camilla was at last told, in so many words, that the things which she had prepared for her own wedding must be given up for the wedding of her sister; and it seemed that this item in the list of her sorrows troubled her

eyes

How many times the word 'eyes' appears in the text?

As he said this, he heard a step behind them, and turning round saw Wallachia there almost before he could drop his arm. "I am sorry that I have intruded on you," she said very grimly. "Not in the least," said Mr. Glascock. "Caroline and I have had a little dispute, but we have settled it without coming to blows." "I do not suppose that an English gentleman ever absolutely strikes a lady," said Wallachia Petrie. "Not except on strong provocation," said Mr. Glascock. "In reference to wives, a stick is allowed as big as your thumb." "I have heard that it is so by the laws of England," said Wallachia. "How can you be so ridiculous, Wally!" said Caroline. "There is nothing that you would not believe." "I hope that it may never be true in your case," said Wallachia. A couple of days after this Miss Spalding found that it was absolutely necessary that she should explain the circumstances of her position to Nora. She had left Nora with the purpose of performing a very high-minded action, of sacrificing herself for the sake of her lover, of giving up all her golden prospects, and of becoming once again the bosom friend of Wallachia Petrie, with this simple consolation for her future life,--that she had refused to marry an English nobleman because the English nobleman's condition was unsuited to her. It would have been an episode in female life in which pride might be taken;--but all that was now changed. She had made her little attempt,--had made it, as she felt, in a very languid manner, and had found herself treated as a child for doing so. Of course she was happy in her ill success; of course she would have been broken-hearted had she succeeded. But, nevertheless, she was somewhat lowered in her own esteem, and it was necessary that she should acknowledge the truth to the friend whom she had consulted. A day or two had passed before she found herself alone with Nora, but when she did so she confessed her failure at once. "You told him all, then?" said Nora. "Oh yes, I told him all. That is, I could not really tell him. When the moment came I had no words." "And what did he say?" "He had words enough. I never knew him to be eloquent before." "He can speak out if he likes," said Nora. "So I have found,--with a vengeance. Nobody was ever so put down as I was. Don't you know that there are times when it does not seem to be worth your while to put out your strength against an adversary? So it was with him. He just told me that he was my master, and that I was to do as he bade me." "And what did you say?" "I promised to be a good girl," said Caroline, "and not to pretend to have any opinion of my own ever again. And so we kissed, and were friends." "I dare say there was a kiss, my dear." "Of course there was;--and he held me in his arms, and comforted me, and told me how to behave;--just as you would do a little girl. It's all over now, of course; and if there be a mistake, it is his fault. I feel that all responsibility is gone from myself, and that for all the rest of my life I have to do just what he tells me." "And what says the divine Wallachia?" "Poor Wally! She says nothing, but she thinks that I am a castaway and a recreant. I am a recreant, I know;--but yet I think that I was right. I know I could not help myself." "Of course you were right, my dear," said the sage Nora. "If you had the notion in your head, it was wise to get rid of it; but I knew how it would be when you spoke to him." "You were not so weak when he came to you." "That was altogether another thing. It was not arranged in heaven that I was to become his captive." After that Wallachia Petrie never again tried her influence on her former friend, but admitted to herself that the evil was done, and that it could not be remedied. According to her theory of life, Caroline Spalding had been wrong, and weak,--had shewn herself to be comfort-loving and luxuriously-minded, had looked to get her happiness from soft effeminate pleasures rather than from rational work and the useful, independent exercise of her own intelligence. In the privacy of her little chamber Wallachia Petrie shed,--not absolute tears,--but many tearful thoughts over her friend. It was to her a thing very terrible that the chosen one of her heart should prefer the career of an English lord's wife to that of an American citizeness, with all manner of capability for female voting, female speech-making, female poetising, and, perhaps, female political action before her. It was a thousand pities! "You may take a horse to water,"--said Wallachia to herself, thinking of the ever-freshly springing fountain of her own mind, at which Caroline Spalding would always have been made welcome freely to quench her thirst,--"but you cannot make him drink if he be not athirst." In the future she would have no friend. Never again would she subject herself to the disgrace of such a failure. But the sacrifice was to be made, and she knew that it was bootless to waste her words further on Caroline Spalding. She left Florence before the wedding, and returned alone to the land of liberty. She wrote a letter to Caroline explaining her conduct, and Caroline Spalding shewed the letter to her husband,--as one that was both loving and eloquent. "Very loving and very eloquent," he said. "But, nevertheless, one does think of sour grapes." "There I am sure you wrong her," said Caroline. CHAPTER LXXXII. MRS. FRENCH'S CARVING KNIFE. During these days there were terrible doings at Exeter. Camilla had sworn that if Mr. Gibson did not come to, there should be a tragedy, and it appeared that she was inclined to keep her word. Immediately after the receipt of her letter from Mr. Gibson she had had an interview with that gentleman in his lodgings, and had asked him his intentions. He had taken measures to fortify himself against such an attack; but, whatever those measures were, Camilla had broken through them. She had stood before him as he sat in his arm-chair, and he had been dumb in her presence. It had perhaps been well for him that the eloquence of her indignation had been so great that she had hardly been able to pause a moment for a reply. "Will you take your letter back again?" she had said. "I should be wrong to do that," he had lisped out in reply, "because it is true. As a Christian minister I could not stand with you at the altar with a lie in my mouth." In no other way did he attempt to excuse himself,--but that, twice repeated, filled up all the pause which she made for him. [Illustration: Camilla's wrath.] There never had been such a case before,--so impudent, so cruel, so gross, so uncalled for, so unmanly, so unnecessary, so unjustifiable, so damnable,--so sure of eternal condemnation! All this she said to him with loud voice, and clenched fist, and starting eyes,--regardless utterly of any listeners on the stairs, or of outside passers in the street. In very truth she was moved to a sublimity of indignation. Her low nature became nearly poetic under the wrong inflicted upon her. She was almost tempted to tear him with her hands, and inflict upon him at the moment some terrible vengeance which should be told of for ever in the annals of Exeter. A man so mean as he, so weak, so cowardly, one so little of a hero;--that he should dare to do it, and dare to sit there before her, and to say that he would do it! "Your gown shall be torn off your back, sir, and the very boys of Exeter shall drag you through the gutters!" To this threat he said nothing, but sat mute, hiding his face in his hands. "And now tell me this, sir;--is there anything between you and Bella?" But there was no voice in reply. "Answer my question, sir. I have a right to ask it." Still he said not a word. "Listen to me. Sooner than that you and she should be man and wife, I would stab her! Yes, I would;--you poor, paltry, lying, cowardly creature!" She remained with him for more than half an hour, and then banged out of the room flashing back a look of scorn at him as she went. Martha, before that day was over, had learned the whole story from Mr. Gibson's cook, and had told her mistress. "I did not think he had so much spirit in him," was Miss Stanbury's answer. Throughout Exeter the great wonder arising from the crisis was the amount of spirit which had been displayed by Mr. Gibson. When he was left alone he shook himself, and began to think that if there were danger that such interviews might occur frequently he had better leave Exeter for good. As he put his hand over his forehead, he declared to himself that a very little more of that kind of thing would kill him. When a couple of hours had passed over his head he shook himself again, and sat down and wrote a letter to his intended mother-in-law. I do not mean to complain [he said], God knows I have no right; but I cannot stand a repetition of what has occurred just now. If your younger daughter comes to see me again I must refuse to see her, and shall leave the town. I am ready to make what reparation may be possible for the mistake into which I have fallen. T. G. Mrs. French was no doubt much afraid of her younger daughter, but she was less afraid of her than were other people. Familiarity, they say, breeds contempt; and who can be so familiar with a child as its parent? She did not in her heart believe that Camilla would murder anybody, and she fully realised the conviction that, even after all that was come and gone, it would be better that one of her daughters should have a husband than that neither should be so blessed. If only Camilla could be got out of Exeter for a few months,--how good a thing it would be for them all! She had a brother in Gloucester,--if only he could be got to take Camilla for a few months! And then, too, she knew that if the true rights of her two daughters were strictly and impartially examined, Arabella's claim was much stronger than any that Camilla could put forward to the hand of Mr. Gibson. "You must not go there again, Camilla," the mother said. "I shall go whenever I please," replied the fury. "Now, Camilla, we may as well understand each other. I will not have it done. If I am provoked, I will send to your uncle at Gloucester." Now the uncle at Gloucester was a timber merchant, a man with protuberant eyes and a great square chin,--known to be a very stern man indeed, and not at all afraid of young women. "What do I care for my uncle? My uncle would take my part." "No, he would not. The truth is, Camilla, you interfered with Bella first." "Mamma, how dare you say so!" "You did, my dear. And these are the consequences." "And you mean to say that she is to be Mrs. Gibson?" "I say nothing about that. But I do not see why they shouldn't be married if their hearts are inclined to each other." "I will die first!" "Your dying has nothing to do with it, Camilla." "And I will kill her!" "If you speak to me again in that way I will write to your uncle at Gloucester. I have done the best I could for you both, and I will not bear such treatment." "And how am I treated?" "You should not have interfered with your sister." "You are all in a conspiracy together," shouted Camilla, "you are! There never was anybody so badly treated,--never,--never,--never! What will everybody say of me?" "They will pity you, if you will be quiet." "I don't want to be pitied;--I won't be pitied. I wish I could die,--and I will die! Anybody else would, at any rate, have had their mother and sister with them!" Then she burst into a flood of real, true, womanly tears. After this there was a lull at Heavitree for a few days. Camilla did not speak to her sister, but she condescended to hold some intercourse with her mother, and to take her meals at the family table. She did not go out of the house, but she employed herself in her own room, doing no one knew what, with all that new clothing and household gear which was to have been transferred in her train to Mr. Gibson's house. Mrs. French was somewhat uneasy about the new clothing and household gear, feeling that, in the event of Bella's marriage, at least a considerable portion of it must be transferred to the new bride. But it was impossible at the present moment to open such a subject to Camilla;--it would have been as a proposition to a lioness respecting the taking away of her whelps. Nevertheless, the day must soon come in which something must be said about the clothing and household gear. All the property that had been sent into the house at Camilla's orders could not be allowed to remain as Camilla's perquisites, now that Camilla was not to be married. "Do you know what she is doing, my dear?" said Mrs. French to her elder daughter. "Perhaps she is picking out the marks," said Bella. "I don't think she would do that as yet," said Mrs. French. "She might just as well leave it alone," said Bella, feeling that one of the two letters would do for her. But neither of them dared to speak to her of her occupation in these first days of her despair. Mr. Gibson in the meantime remained at home, or only left his house to go to the Cathedral or to visit the narrow confines of his little parish. When he was out he felt that everybody looked at him, and it seemed to him that people whispered about him when they saw him at his usual desk in the choir. His friends passed him merely bowing to him, and he was aware that he had done that which would be regarded by every one around him as unpardonable. And yet,--what ought he to have done? He acknowledged to himself that he had been very foolish, mad,--quite demented at the moment,--when he allowed himself to think it possible that he should marry Camilla French. But having found out how mad he had been at that moment, having satisfied himself that to live with her as his wife would be impossible, was he not right to break the engagement? Could anything be so wicked as marrying a woman whom he--hated? Thus he tried to excuse himself; but yet he knew that all the world would condemn him. Life in Exeter would be impossible, if no way to social pardon could be opened for him. He was willing to do anything within bounds in mitigation of his offence. He would give up fifty pounds a year to Camilla for his life,--or he would marry Bella. Yes; he would marry Bella at once,--if Camilla would only consent, and give up that idea of stabbing some one. Bella French was not very nice in his eyes; but she was quiet, he thought, and it might be possible to live with her. Nevertheless, he told himself over and over again that the manner in which unmarried men with incomes were set upon by ladies in want of husbands was very disgraceful to the country at large. That mission to Natal which had once been offered to him would have had charms for him now, of which he had not recognised the force when he rejected it. "Do you think that he ever was really engaged to her?" Dorothy said to her aunt. Dorothy was now living in a seventh heaven of happiness, writing love-letters to Brooke Burgess every other day, and devoting to this occupation a number of hours of which she ought to have been ashamed; making her purchases for her wedding,--with nothing, however, of the magnificence of a Camilla,--but discussing everything with her aunt, who urged her on to extravagances which seemed beyond the scope of her own economical ideas; settling, or trying to settle, little difficulties which perplexed her somewhat, and wondering at her own career. She could not of course be married without the presence of her mother and sister, and her aunt,--with something of a grim courtesy,--had intimated that they should be made welcome to the house in the Close for the special occasion. But nothing had been said about Hugh. The wedding was to be in the Cathedral, and Dorothy had a little scheme in her head for meeting her brother among the aisles. He would no doubt come down with Brooke, and nothing perhaps need be said about it to Aunt Stanbury. But still it was a trouble. Her aunt had been so good that Dorothy felt that no step should be taken which would vex the old woman. It was evident enough that when permission had been given for the visit of Mrs. Stanbury and Priscilla, Hugh's name had been purposely kept back. There had been no accidental omission. Dorothy, therefore, did not dare to mention it,--and yet it was essential for her happiness that he should be there. At the present moment Miss Stanbury's intense interest in the Stanbury wedding was somewhat mitigated by the excitement occasioned by Mr. Gibson's refusal to be married. Dorothy was so shocked that she could not bring herself to believe the statement that had reached them through Martha. "Of course he was engaged to her. We all knew that," said Miss Stanbury. "I think there must have been some mistake," said Dorothy. "I don't see how he could do it." "There is no knowing what people can do, my dear, when they're hard driven. I suppose we shall have a lawsuit now, and he'll have to pay ever so much money. Well, well, well! see what a deal of trouble you might have saved!" "But he'd have done the same to me, aunt;--only, you know, I never could have taken him. Isn't it better as it is, aunt? Tell me." "I suppose young women always think it best when they can get their own ways. An old woman like me has only got to do what she is bid." "But this was best, aunt;--was it not?" "My dear, you've had your way, and let that be enough. Poor Camilla French is not allowed to have hers at all. Dear, dear, dear! I didn't think the man would ever have been such a fool to begin with;--or that he would ever have had the heart to get out of it afterwards." It astonished Dorothy to find that her aunt was not loud in reprobation of Mr. Gibson's very dreadful conduct. In the meantime Mrs. French had written to her brother at Gloucester. The maid-servant, in making Miss Camilla's bed, and in "putting the room to rights," as she called it,--which description probably was intended to cover the circumstances of an accurate search,--had discovered, hidden among some linen,--a carving knife! such a knife as is used for the cutting up of fowls; and, after two days' interval, had imparted the discovery to Mrs. French. Instant visit was made to the pantry, and it was found that a very aged but unbroken and sharply-pointed weapon was missing. Mrs. French at once accused Camilla, and Camilla, after some hesitation, admitted that it might be there. Molly, she said, was a nasty, sly, wicked thing, to go looking in her drawers, and she would never leave anything unlocked again. The knife, she declared, had been taken up-stairs, because she had wanted something very sharp to cut,--the bones of her stays. The knife was given up, but Mrs. French thought it best to write to her brother, Mr. Crump. She was in great doubt about sundry matters. Had the carving knife really pointed to a domestic tragedy;--and if so, what steps ought a poor widow to take with such a daughter? And what ought to be done about Mr. Gibson? It ran through Mrs. French's mind that unless something were done at once, Mr. Gibson would escape scot free. It was her wish that he should yet become her son-in-law. Poor Bella was entitled to her chance. But if Bella was to be disappointed,--from fear of carving knives, or for other reasons,--then there came the question whether Mr. Gibson should not be made to pay in purse for the mischief he had done. With all these thoughts and doubts running through her head, Mrs. French wrote to her brother at Gloucester. There came back an answer from Mr. Crump, in which that gentleman expressed a very strong idea that Mr. Gibson should be prosecuted for damages with the utmost virulence, and with the least possible delay. No compromise should be accepted. Mr. Crump would himself come to Exeter and see the lawyer as soon as he should be told that there was a lawyer to be seen. As to the carving knife, Mr. Crump was of opinion that it did not mean anything. Mr. Crump was a gentleman who did not believe in strong romance, but who had great trust in all pecuniary claims. The Frenches had always been genteel. The late Captain French had been an officer in the army, and at ordinary times and seasons the Frenches were rather ashamed of the Crump connection. But now the timber merchant might prove himself to be a useful friend. Mrs. French shewed her brother's letter to Bella,--and poor Bella was again sore-hearted, seeing that nothing was said in it of her claims. "It will be dreadful scandal to have it all in the papers!" said Bella. "But what can we do?" "Anything would be better than that," said Bella. "And you don't want to punish Mr. Gibson, mamma." "But, my dear, you see what your uncle says. What can I do, except go to him for advice?" "Why don't you go to Mr. Gibson yourself, mamma?" But nothing was said to Camilla about Mr. Crump;--nothing as yet. Camilla did not love Mr. Crump, but there was no other house except that of Mr. Crump's at Gloucester to which she might be sent, if it could be arranged that Mr. Gibson and Bella should be made one. Mrs. French took her eldest daughter's advice, and went to Mr. Gibson;--taking Mr. Crump's letter in her pocket. For herself she wanted nothing,--but was it not the duty of her whole life to fight for her daughters? Poor woman! If somebody would only have taught her how that duty might best be done, she would have endeavoured to obey the teaching. "You know I do not want to threaten you," she said to Mr. Gibson; "but you see what my brother says. Of course I wrote to my brother. What could a poor woman do in such circumstances except write to her brother?" "If you choose to set the bloodhounds of the law at me, of course you can," said Mr. Gibson. "I do not want to go to law at all;--God knows I do not!" said Mrs. French. Then there was a pause. "Poor dear Bella!" ejaculated Mrs. French. "Dear Bella!" echoed Mr. Gibson. "What do you mean to do about Bella?" asked Mrs. French. "I sometimes think that I had better take poison and have done with it!" said Mr. Gibson, feeling himself to be very hard pressed. CHAPTER LXXXIII. BELLA VICTRIX. Mr. Crump arrived at Exeter. Camilla was not told of his coming till the morning of the day on which he arrived; and then the tidings were communicated, because it was necessary that a change should be made in the bed-rooms. She and her sister had separate rooms when there was no visitor with them, but now Mr. Crump must be accommodated. There was a long consultation between Bella and Mrs. French, but at last it was decided that Bella should sleep with her mother. There would still be too much of the lioness about Camilla to allow of her being regarded as a safe companion through the watches of the night. "Why is Uncle Jonas coming now?" she asked. "I thought it better to ask him," said Mrs. French. After a long pause, Camilla asked another question. "Does Uncle Jonas mean to see Mr. Gibson?" "I suppose he will," said Mrs. French. "Then he will see a low, mean fellow;--the lowest, meanest fellow that ever was heard of! But that won't make much difference to Uncle Jonas. I wouldn't have him now, if he was to ask me ever so;--that I wouldn't!" Mr. Crump came, and kissed his sister and two nieces. The embrace with Camilla was not very affectionate. "So your Joe has been and jilted you?" said Uncle Jonas;--"it's like one of them clergymen. They say so many prayers, they think they may do almost anything afterwards. Another man would have had his head punched." "The less talk there is about it the better," said Camilla. On the following day Mr. Crump called by appointment on Mr. Gibson, and remained closeted with that gentleman for the greater portion of the morning. Camilla knew well that he was going, and went about the house like a perturbed spirit during his absence. There was a look about her that made them all doubt whether she was not, in truth, losing her mind. Her mother more than once went to the pantry to see that the knives were right; and, as regarded that sharp-pointed weapon, was careful to lock it up carefully out of her daughter's way. Mr. Crump had declared himself willing to take Camilla back to Gloucester, and had laughed at the obstacles which his niece might, perhaps, throw in the way of such an arrangement. "She mustn't have much luggage;--that is all," said Mr. Crump. For Mr. Crump had been made aware of the circumstances of the trousseau. About three o'clock Mr. Crump came back from Mr. Gibson's, and expressed a desire to be left alone with Camilla. Mrs. French was prepared for everything; and Mr. Crump soon found himself with his younger niece. "Camilla, my dear," said he, "this has been a bad business." "I don't know what business you mean, Uncle Jonas." "Yes, you do, my dear;--you know. And I hope it won't come too late to prove to you that young women shouldn't be too keen in setting their caps at the gentlemen. It's better for them to be hunted, than to hunt." "Uncle Jonas, I will not be insulted." "Stick to that, my dear, and you won't get into a scrape again. Now, look here. This man can never be made to marry you, anyhow." "I wouldn't touch him with a pair of tongs, if he were kneeling at my feet!" "That's right; stick to that. Of course, you wouldn't now, after all that has come and gone. No girl with any spirit would." "He's a coward and a thief, and he'll be--damned for what he has done, some of these days!" "T-ch, t-ch, t-ch! That isn't a proper way for a young lady to talk. That's cursing and swearing." "It isn't cursing and swearing;--it's what the Bible says." "Then we'll leave him to the Bible. In the meantime, Mr. Gibson wants to marry some one else, and that can't hurt you." "He may marry whom he likes;--but he shan't marry Bella--that's all!" "It is Bella that he means to marry." "Then he won't. I'll forbid the banns. I'll write to the bishop. I'll go to the church and prevent its being done. I'll make such a noise in the town that it can't be done. It's no use your looking at me like that, Uncle Jonas. I've got my own feelings, and he shall never marry Bella. It's what they have been intending all through, and it shan't be done!" "It will be done." "Uncle Jonas, I'll stab her to the heart, and him too, before I'll see it done! Though I were to be killed the next day, I would. Could you bear it?" "I'm not a young woman. Now, I'll tell you what I want you to do." "I'll not do anything." "Just pack up your things, and start with me to Gloucester to-morrow." "I--won't!" "Then you'll be carried, my dear. I'll write to your aunt, to say that you're coming; and we'll be as jolly as possible when we get you home." "I won't go to Gloucester, Uncle Jonas. I won't go away from Exeter. I won't let it be done. She shall never, never, never be that man's wife!" Nevertheless, on the day but one after this, Camilla French did go to Gloucester. Before she went, however, things had to be done in that house which almost made Mrs. French repent that she had sent for so stern an assistant. Camilla was at last told, in so many words, that the things which she had prepared for her own wedding must be given up for the wedding of her sister; and it seemed that this item in the list of her sorrows troubled her

runes--

How many times the word 'runes--' appears in the text?

As he said this, he heard a step behind them, and turning round saw Wallachia there almost before he could drop his arm. "I am sorry that I have intruded on you," she said very grimly. "Not in the least," said Mr. Glascock. "Caroline and I have had a little dispute, but we have settled it without coming to blows." "I do not suppose that an English gentleman ever absolutely strikes a lady," said Wallachia Petrie. "Not except on strong provocation," said Mr. Glascock. "In reference to wives, a stick is allowed as big as your thumb." "I have heard that it is so by the laws of England," said Wallachia. "How can you be so ridiculous, Wally!" said Caroline. "There is nothing that you would not believe." "I hope that it may never be true in your case," said Wallachia. A couple of days after this Miss Spalding found that it was absolutely necessary that she should explain the circumstances of her position to Nora. She had left Nora with the purpose of performing a very high-minded action, of sacrificing herself for the sake of her lover, of giving up all her golden prospects, and of becoming once again the bosom friend of Wallachia Petrie, with this simple consolation for her future life,--that she had refused to marry an English nobleman because the English nobleman's condition was unsuited to her. It would have been an episode in female life in which pride might be taken;--but all that was now changed. She had made her little attempt,--had made it, as she felt, in a very languid manner, and had found herself treated as a child for doing so. Of course she was happy in her ill success; of course she would have been broken-hearted had she succeeded. But, nevertheless, she was somewhat lowered in her own esteem, and it was necessary that she should acknowledge the truth to the friend whom she had consulted. A day or two had passed before she found herself alone with Nora, but when she did so she confessed her failure at once. "You told him all, then?" said Nora. "Oh yes, I told him all. That is, I could not really tell him. When the moment came I had no words." "And what did he say?" "He had words enough. I never knew him to be eloquent before." "He can speak out if he likes," said Nora. "So I have found,--with a vengeance. Nobody was ever so put down as I was. Don't you know that there are times when it does not seem to be worth your while to put out your strength against an adversary? So it was with him. He just told me that he was my master, and that I was to do as he bade me." "And what did you say?" "I promised to be a good girl," said Caroline, "and not to pretend to have any opinion of my own ever again. And so we kissed, and were friends." "I dare say there was a kiss, my dear." "Of course there was;--and he held me in his arms, and comforted me, and told me how to behave;--just as you would do a little girl. It's all over now, of course; and if there be a mistake, it is his fault. I feel that all responsibility is gone from myself, and that for all the rest of my life I have to do just what he tells me." "And what says the divine Wallachia?" "Poor Wally! She says nothing, but she thinks that I am a castaway and a recreant. I am a recreant, I know;--but yet I think that I was right. I know I could not help myself." "Of course you were right, my dear," said the sage Nora. "If you had the notion in your head, it was wise to get rid of it; but I knew how it would be when you spoke to him." "You were not so weak when he came to you." "That was altogether another thing. It was not arranged in heaven that I was to become his captive." After that Wallachia Petrie never again tried her influence on her former friend, but admitted to herself that the evil was done, and that it could not be remedied. According to her theory of life, Caroline Spalding had been wrong, and weak,--had shewn herself to be comfort-loving and luxuriously-minded, had looked to get her happiness from soft effeminate pleasures rather than from rational work and the useful, independent exercise of her own intelligence. In the privacy of her little chamber Wallachia Petrie shed,--not absolute tears,--but many tearful thoughts over her friend. It was to her a thing very terrible that the chosen one of her heart should prefer the career of an English lord's wife to that of an American citizeness, with all manner of capability for female voting, female speech-making, female poetising, and, perhaps, female political action before her. It was a thousand pities! "You may take a horse to water,"--said Wallachia to herself, thinking of the ever-freshly springing fountain of her own mind, at which Caroline Spalding would always have been made welcome freely to quench her thirst,--"but you cannot make him drink if he be not athirst." In the future she would have no friend. Never again would she subject herself to the disgrace of such a failure. But the sacrifice was to be made, and she knew that it was bootless to waste her words further on Caroline Spalding. She left Florence before the wedding, and returned alone to the land of liberty. She wrote a letter to Caroline explaining her conduct, and Caroline Spalding shewed the letter to her husband,--as one that was both loving and eloquent. "Very loving and very eloquent," he said. "But, nevertheless, one does think of sour grapes." "There I am sure you wrong her," said Caroline. CHAPTER LXXXII. MRS. FRENCH'S CARVING KNIFE. During these days there were terrible doings at Exeter. Camilla had sworn that if Mr. Gibson did not come to, there should be a tragedy, and it appeared that she was inclined to keep her word. Immediately after the receipt of her letter from Mr. Gibson she had had an interview with that gentleman in his lodgings, and had asked him his intentions. He had taken measures to fortify himself against such an attack; but, whatever those measures were, Camilla had broken through them. She had stood before him as he sat in his arm-chair, and he had been dumb in her presence. It had perhaps been well for him that the eloquence of her indignation had been so great that she had hardly been able to pause a moment for a reply. "Will you take your letter back again?" she had said. "I should be wrong to do that," he had lisped out in reply, "because it is true. As a Christian minister I could not stand with you at the altar with a lie in my mouth." In no other way did he attempt to excuse himself,--but that, twice repeated, filled up all the pause which she made for him. [Illustration: Camilla's wrath.] There never had been such a case before,--so impudent, so cruel, so gross, so uncalled for, so unmanly, so unnecessary, so unjustifiable, so damnable,--so sure of eternal condemnation! All this she said to him with loud voice, and clenched fist, and starting eyes,--regardless utterly of any listeners on the stairs, or of outside passers in the street. In very truth she was moved to a sublimity of indignation. Her low nature became nearly poetic under the wrong inflicted upon her. She was almost tempted to tear him with her hands, and inflict upon him at the moment some terrible vengeance which should be told of for ever in the annals of Exeter. A man so mean as he, so weak, so cowardly, one so little of a hero;--that he should dare to do it, and dare to sit there before her, and to say that he would do it! "Your gown shall be torn off your back, sir, and the very boys of Exeter shall drag you through the gutters!" To this threat he said nothing, but sat mute, hiding his face in his hands. "And now tell me this, sir;--is there anything between you and Bella?" But there was no voice in reply. "Answer my question, sir. I have a right to ask it." Still he said not a word. "Listen to me. Sooner than that you and she should be man and wife, I would stab her! Yes, I would;--you poor, paltry, lying, cowardly creature!" She remained with him for more than half an hour, and then banged out of the room flashing back a look of scorn at him as she went. Martha, before that day was over, had learned the whole story from Mr. Gibson's cook, and had told her mistress. "I did not think he had so much spirit in him," was Miss Stanbury's answer. Throughout Exeter the great wonder arising from the crisis was the amount of spirit which had been displayed by Mr. Gibson. When he was left alone he shook himself, and began to think that if there were danger that such interviews might occur frequently he had better leave Exeter for good. As he put his hand over his forehead, he declared to himself that a very little more of that kind of thing would kill him. When a couple of hours had passed over his head he shook himself again, and sat down and wrote a letter to his intended mother-in-law. I do not mean to complain [he said], God knows I have no right; but I cannot stand a repetition of what has occurred just now. If your younger daughter comes to see me again I must refuse to see her, and shall leave the town. I am ready to make what reparation may be possible for the mistake into which I have fallen. T. G. Mrs. French was no doubt much afraid of her younger daughter, but she was less afraid of her than were other people. Familiarity, they say, breeds contempt; and who can be so familiar with a child as its parent? She did not in her heart believe that Camilla would murder anybody, and she fully realised the conviction that, even after all that was come and gone, it would be better that one of her daughters should have a husband than that neither should be so blessed. If only Camilla could be got out of Exeter for a few months,--how good a thing it would be for them all! She had a brother in Gloucester,--if only he could be got to take Camilla for a few months! And then, too, she knew that if the true rights of her two daughters were strictly and impartially examined, Arabella's claim was much stronger than any that Camilla could put forward to the hand of Mr. Gibson. "You must not go there again, Camilla," the mother said. "I shall go whenever I please," replied the fury. "Now, Camilla, we may as well understand each other. I will not have it done. If I am provoked, I will send to your uncle at Gloucester." Now the uncle at Gloucester was a timber merchant, a man with protuberant eyes and a great square chin,--known to be a very stern man indeed, and not at all afraid of young women. "What do I care for my uncle? My uncle would take my part." "No, he would not. The truth is, Camilla, you interfered with Bella first." "Mamma, how dare you say so!" "You did, my dear. And these are the consequences." "And you mean to say that she is to be Mrs. Gibson?" "I say nothing about that. But I do not see why they shouldn't be married if their hearts are inclined to each other." "I will die first!" "Your dying has nothing to do with it, Camilla." "And I will kill her!" "If you speak to me again in that way I will write to your uncle at Gloucester. I have done the best I could for you both, and I will not bear such treatment." "And how am I treated?" "You should not have interfered with your sister." "You are all in a conspiracy together," shouted Camilla, "you are! There never was anybody so badly treated,--never,--never,--never! What will everybody say of me?" "They will pity you, if you will be quiet." "I don't want to be pitied;--I won't be pitied. I wish I could die,--and I will die! Anybody else would, at any rate, have had their mother and sister with them!" Then she burst into a flood of real, true, womanly tears. After this there was a lull at Heavitree for a few days. Camilla did not speak to her sister, but she condescended to hold some intercourse with her mother, and to take her meals at the family table. She did not go out of the house, but she employed herself in her own room, doing no one knew what, with all that new clothing and household gear which was to have been transferred in her train to Mr. Gibson's house. Mrs. French was somewhat uneasy about the new clothing and household gear, feeling that, in the event of Bella's marriage, at least a considerable portion of it must be transferred to the new bride. But it was impossible at the present moment to open such a subject to Camilla;--it would have been as a proposition to a lioness respecting the taking away of her whelps. Nevertheless, the day must soon come in which something must be said about the clothing and household gear. All the property that had been sent into the house at Camilla's orders could not be allowed to remain as Camilla's perquisites, now that Camilla was not to be married. "Do you know what she is doing, my dear?" said Mrs. French to her elder daughter. "Perhaps she is picking out the marks," said Bella. "I don't think she would do that as yet," said Mrs. French. "She might just as well leave it alone," said Bella, feeling that one of the two letters would do for her. But neither of them dared to speak to her of her occupation in these first days of her despair. Mr. Gibson in the meantime remained at home, or only left his house to go to the Cathedral or to visit the narrow confines of his little parish. When he was out he felt that everybody looked at him, and it seemed to him that people whispered about him when they saw him at his usual desk in the choir. His friends passed him merely bowing to him, and he was aware that he had done that which would be regarded by every one around him as unpardonable. And yet,--what ought he to have done? He acknowledged to himself that he had been very foolish, mad,--quite demented at the moment,--when he allowed himself to think it possible that he should marry Camilla French. But having found out how mad he had been at that moment, having satisfied himself that to live with her as his wife would be impossible, was he not right to break the engagement? Could anything be so wicked as marrying a woman whom he--hated? Thus he tried to excuse himself; but yet he knew that all the world would condemn him. Life in Exeter would be impossible, if no way to social pardon could be opened for him. He was willing to do anything within bounds in mitigation of his offence. He would give up fifty pounds a year to Camilla for his life,--or he would marry Bella. Yes; he would marry Bella at once,--if Camilla would only consent, and give up that idea of stabbing some one. Bella French was not very nice in his eyes; but she was quiet, he thought, and it might be possible to live with her. Nevertheless, he told himself over and over again that the manner in which unmarried men with incomes were set upon by ladies in want of husbands was very disgraceful to the country at large. That mission to Natal which had once been offered to him would have had charms for him now, of which he had not recognised the force when he rejected it. "Do you think that he ever was really engaged to her?" Dorothy said to her aunt. Dorothy was now living in a seventh heaven of happiness, writing love-letters to Brooke Burgess every other day, and devoting to this occupation a number of hours of which she ought to have been ashamed; making her purchases for her wedding,--with nothing, however, of the magnificence of a Camilla,--but discussing everything with her aunt, who urged her on to extravagances which seemed beyond the scope of her own economical ideas; settling, or trying to settle, little difficulties which perplexed her somewhat, and wondering at her own career. She could not of course be married without the presence of her mother and sister, and her aunt,--with something of a grim courtesy,--had intimated that they should be made welcome to the house in the Close for the special occasion. But nothing had been said about Hugh. The wedding was to be in the Cathedral, and Dorothy had a little scheme in her head for meeting her brother among the aisles. He would no doubt come down with Brooke, and nothing perhaps need be said about it to Aunt Stanbury. But still it was a trouble. Her aunt had been so good that Dorothy felt that no step should be taken which would vex the old woman. It was evident enough that when permission had been given for the visit of Mrs. Stanbury and Priscilla, Hugh's name had been purposely kept back. There had been no accidental omission. Dorothy, therefore, did not dare to mention it,--and yet it was essential for her happiness that he should be there. At the present moment Miss Stanbury's intense interest in the Stanbury wedding was somewhat mitigated by the excitement occasioned by Mr. Gibson's refusal to be married. Dorothy was so shocked that she could not bring herself to believe the statement that had reached them through Martha. "Of course he was engaged to her. We all knew that," said Miss Stanbury. "I think there must have been some mistake," said Dorothy. "I don't see how he could do it." "There is no knowing what people can do, my dear, when they're hard driven. I suppose we shall have a lawsuit now, and he'll have to pay ever so much money. Well, well, well! see what a deal of trouble you might have saved!" "But he'd have done the same to me, aunt;--only, you know, I never could have taken him. Isn't it better as it is, aunt? Tell me." "I suppose young women always think it best when they can get their own ways. An old woman like me has only got to do what she is bid." "But this was best, aunt;--was it not?" "My dear, you've had your way, and let that be enough. Poor Camilla French is not allowed to have hers at all. Dear, dear, dear! I didn't think the man would ever have been such a fool to begin with;--or that he would ever have had the heart to get out of it afterwards." It astonished Dorothy to find that her aunt was not loud in reprobation of Mr. Gibson's very dreadful conduct. In the meantime Mrs. French had written to her brother at Gloucester. The maid-servant, in making Miss Camilla's bed, and in "putting the room to rights," as she called it,--which description probably was intended to cover the circumstances of an accurate search,--had discovered, hidden among some linen,--a carving knife! such a knife as is used for the cutting up of fowls; and, after two days' interval, had imparted the discovery to Mrs. French. Instant visit was made to the pantry, and it was found that a very aged but unbroken and sharply-pointed weapon was missing. Mrs. French at once accused Camilla, and Camilla, after some hesitation, admitted that it might be there. Molly, she said, was a nasty, sly, wicked thing, to go looking in her drawers, and she would never leave anything unlocked again. The knife, she declared, had been taken up-stairs, because she had wanted something very sharp to cut,--the bones of her stays. The knife was given up, but Mrs. French thought it best to write to her brother, Mr. Crump. She was in great doubt about sundry matters. Had the carving knife really pointed to a domestic tragedy;--and if so, what steps ought a poor widow to take with such a daughter? And what ought to be done about Mr. Gibson? It ran through Mrs. French's mind that unless something were done at once, Mr. Gibson would escape scot free. It was her wish that he should yet become her son-in-law. Poor Bella was entitled to her chance. But if Bella was to be disappointed,--from fear of carving knives, or for other reasons,--then there came the question whether Mr. Gibson should not be made to pay in purse for the mischief he had done. With all these thoughts and doubts running through her head, Mrs. French wrote to her brother at Gloucester. There came back an answer from Mr. Crump, in which that gentleman expressed a very strong idea that Mr. Gibson should be prosecuted for damages with the utmost virulence, and with the least possible delay. No compromise should be accepted. Mr. Crump would himself come to Exeter and see the lawyer as soon as he should be told that there was a lawyer to be seen. As to the carving knife, Mr. Crump was of opinion that it did not mean anything. Mr. Crump was a gentleman who did not believe in strong romance, but who had great trust in all pecuniary claims. The Frenches had always been genteel. The late Captain French had been an officer in the army, and at ordinary times and seasons the Frenches were rather ashamed of the Crump connection. But now the timber merchant might prove himself to be a useful friend. Mrs. French shewed her brother's letter to Bella,--and poor Bella was again sore-hearted, seeing that nothing was said in it of her claims. "It will be dreadful scandal to have it all in the papers!" said Bella. "But what can we do?" "Anything would be better than that," said Bella. "And you don't want to punish Mr. Gibson, mamma." "But, my dear, you see what your uncle says. What can I do, except go to him for advice?" "Why don't you go to Mr. Gibson yourself, mamma?" But nothing was said to Camilla about Mr. Crump;--nothing as yet. Camilla did not love Mr. Crump, but there was no other house except that of Mr. Crump's at Gloucester to which she might be sent, if it could be arranged that Mr. Gibson and Bella should be made one. Mrs. French took her eldest daughter's advice, and went to Mr. Gibson;--taking Mr. Crump's letter in her pocket. For herself she wanted nothing,--but was it not the duty of her whole life to fight for her daughters? Poor woman! If somebody would only have taught her how that duty might best be done, she would have endeavoured to obey the teaching. "You know I do not want to threaten you," she said to Mr. Gibson; "but you see what my brother says. Of course I wrote to my brother. What could a poor woman do in such circumstances except write to her brother?" "If you choose to set the bloodhounds of the law at me, of course you can," said Mr. Gibson. "I do not want to go to law at all;--God knows I do not!" said Mrs. French. Then there was a pause. "Poor dear Bella!" ejaculated Mrs. French. "Dear Bella!" echoed Mr. Gibson. "What do you mean to do about Bella?" asked Mrs. French. "I sometimes think that I had better take poison and have done with it!" said Mr. Gibson, feeling himself to be very hard pressed. CHAPTER LXXXIII. BELLA VICTRIX. Mr. Crump arrived at Exeter. Camilla was not told of his coming till the morning of the day on which he arrived; and then the tidings were communicated, because it was necessary that a change should be made in the bed-rooms. She and her sister had separate rooms when there was no visitor with them, but now Mr. Crump must be accommodated. There was a long consultation between Bella and Mrs. French, but at last it was decided that Bella should sleep with her mother. There would still be too much of the lioness about Camilla to allow of her being regarded as a safe companion through the watches of the night. "Why is Uncle Jonas coming now?" she asked. "I thought it better to ask him," said Mrs. French. After a long pause, Camilla asked another question. "Does Uncle Jonas mean to see Mr. Gibson?" "I suppose he will," said Mrs. French. "Then he will see a low, mean fellow;--the lowest, meanest fellow that ever was heard of! But that won't make much difference to Uncle Jonas. I wouldn't have him now, if he was to ask me ever so;--that I wouldn't!" Mr. Crump came, and kissed his sister and two nieces. The embrace with Camilla was not very affectionate. "So your Joe has been and jilted you?" said Uncle Jonas;--"it's like one of them clergymen. They say so many prayers, they think they may do almost anything afterwards. Another man would have had his head punched." "The less talk there is about it the better," said Camilla. On the following day Mr. Crump called by appointment on Mr. Gibson, and remained closeted with that gentleman for the greater portion of the morning. Camilla knew well that he was going, and went about the house like a perturbed spirit during his absence. There was a look about her that made them all doubt whether she was not, in truth, losing her mind. Her mother more than once went to the pantry to see that the knives were right; and, as regarded that sharp-pointed weapon, was careful to lock it up carefully out of her daughter's way. Mr. Crump had declared himself willing to take Camilla back to Gloucester, and had laughed at the obstacles which his niece might, perhaps, throw in the way of such an arrangement. "She mustn't have much luggage;--that is all," said Mr. Crump. For Mr. Crump had been made aware of the circumstances of the trousseau. About three o'clock Mr. Crump came back from Mr. Gibson's, and expressed a desire to be left alone with Camilla. Mrs. French was prepared for everything; and Mr. Crump soon found himself with his younger niece. "Camilla, my dear," said he, "this has been a bad business." "I don't know what business you mean, Uncle Jonas." "Yes, you do, my dear;--you know. And I hope it won't come too late to prove to you that young women shouldn't be too keen in setting their caps at the gentlemen. It's better for them to be hunted, than to hunt." "Uncle Jonas, I will not be insulted." "Stick to that, my dear, and you won't get into a scrape again. Now, look here. This man can never be made to marry you, anyhow." "I wouldn't touch him with a pair of tongs, if he were kneeling at my feet!" "That's right; stick to that. Of course, you wouldn't now, after all that has come and gone. No girl with any spirit would." "He's a coward and a thief, and he'll be--damned for what he has done, some of these days!" "T-ch, t-ch, t-ch! That isn't a proper way for a young lady to talk. That's cursing and swearing." "It isn't cursing and swearing;--it's what the Bible says." "Then we'll leave him to the Bible. In the meantime, Mr. Gibson wants to marry some one else, and that can't hurt you." "He may marry whom he likes;--but he shan't marry Bella--that's all!" "It is Bella that he means to marry." "Then he won't. I'll forbid the banns. I'll write to the bishop. I'll go to the church and prevent its being done. I'll make such a noise in the town that it can't be done. It's no use your looking at me like that, Uncle Jonas. I've got my own feelings, and he shall never marry Bella. It's what they have been intending all through, and it shan't be done!" "It will be done." "Uncle Jonas, I'll stab her to the heart, and him too, before I'll see it done! Though I were to be killed the next day, I would. Could you bear it?" "I'm not a young woman. Now, I'll tell you what I want you to do." "I'll not do anything." "Just pack up your things, and start with me to Gloucester to-morrow." "I--won't!" "Then you'll be carried, my dear. I'll write to your aunt, to say that you're coming; and we'll be as jolly as possible when we get you home." "I won't go to Gloucester, Uncle Jonas. I won't go away from Exeter. I won't let it be done. She shall never, never, never be that man's wife!" Nevertheless, on the day but one after this, Camilla French did go to Gloucester. Before she went, however, things had to be done in that house which almost made Mrs. French repent that she had sent for so stern an assistant. Camilla was at last told, in so many words, that the things which she had prepared for her own wedding must be given up for the wedding of her sister; and it seemed that this item in the list of her sorrows troubled her

myself

How many times the word 'myself' appears in the text?

As he said this, he heard a step behind them, and turning round saw Wallachia there almost before he could drop his arm. "I am sorry that I have intruded on you," she said very grimly. "Not in the least," said Mr. Glascock. "Caroline and I have had a little dispute, but we have settled it without coming to blows." "I do not suppose that an English gentleman ever absolutely strikes a lady," said Wallachia Petrie. "Not except on strong provocation," said Mr. Glascock. "In reference to wives, a stick is allowed as big as your thumb." "I have heard that it is so by the laws of England," said Wallachia. "How can you be so ridiculous, Wally!" said Caroline. "There is nothing that you would not believe." "I hope that it may never be true in your case," said Wallachia. A couple of days after this Miss Spalding found that it was absolutely necessary that she should explain the circumstances of her position to Nora. She had left Nora with the purpose of performing a very high-minded action, of sacrificing herself for the sake of her lover, of giving up all her golden prospects, and of becoming once again the bosom friend of Wallachia Petrie, with this simple consolation for her future life,--that she had refused to marry an English nobleman because the English nobleman's condition was unsuited to her. It would have been an episode in female life in which pride might be taken;--but all that was now changed. She had made her little attempt,--had made it, as she felt, in a very languid manner, and had found herself treated as a child for doing so. Of course she was happy in her ill success; of course she would have been broken-hearted had she succeeded. But, nevertheless, she was somewhat lowered in her own esteem, and it was necessary that she should acknowledge the truth to the friend whom she had consulted. A day or two had passed before she found herself alone with Nora, but when she did so she confessed her failure at once. "You told him all, then?" said Nora. "Oh yes, I told him all. That is, I could not really tell him. When the moment came I had no words." "And what did he say?" "He had words enough. I never knew him to be eloquent before." "He can speak out if he likes," said Nora. "So I have found,--with a vengeance. Nobody was ever so put down as I was. Don't you know that there are times when it does not seem to be worth your while to put out your strength against an adversary? So it was with him. He just told me that he was my master, and that I was to do as he bade me." "And what did you say?" "I promised to be a good girl," said Caroline, "and not to pretend to have any opinion of my own ever again. And so we kissed, and were friends." "I dare say there was a kiss, my dear." "Of course there was;--and he held me in his arms, and comforted me, and told me how to behave;--just as you would do a little girl. It's all over now, of course; and if there be a mistake, it is his fault. I feel that all responsibility is gone from myself, and that for all the rest of my life I have to do just what he tells me." "And what says the divine Wallachia?" "Poor Wally! She says nothing, but she thinks that I am a castaway and a recreant. I am a recreant, I know;--but yet I think that I was right. I know I could not help myself." "Of course you were right, my dear," said the sage Nora. "If you had the notion in your head, it was wise to get rid of it; but I knew how it would be when you spoke to him." "You were not so weak when he came to you." "That was altogether another thing. It was not arranged in heaven that I was to become his captive." After that Wallachia Petrie never again tried her influence on her former friend, but admitted to herself that the evil was done, and that it could not be remedied. According to her theory of life, Caroline Spalding had been wrong, and weak,--had shewn herself to be comfort-loving and luxuriously-minded, had looked to get her happiness from soft effeminate pleasures rather than from rational work and the useful, independent exercise of her own intelligence. In the privacy of her little chamber Wallachia Petrie shed,--not absolute tears,--but many tearful thoughts over her friend. It was to her a thing very terrible that the chosen one of her heart should prefer the career of an English lord's wife to that of an American citizeness, with all manner of capability for female voting, female speech-making, female poetising, and, perhaps, female political action before her. It was a thousand pities! "You may take a horse to water,"--said Wallachia to herself, thinking of the ever-freshly springing fountain of her own mind, at which Caroline Spalding would always have been made welcome freely to quench her thirst,--"but you cannot make him drink if he be not athirst." In the future she would have no friend. Never again would she subject herself to the disgrace of such a failure. But the sacrifice was to be made, and she knew that it was bootless to waste her words further on Caroline Spalding. She left Florence before the wedding, and returned alone to the land of liberty. She wrote a letter to Caroline explaining her conduct, and Caroline Spalding shewed the letter to her husband,--as one that was both loving and eloquent. "Very loving and very eloquent," he said. "But, nevertheless, one does think of sour grapes." "There I am sure you wrong her," said Caroline. CHAPTER LXXXII. MRS. FRENCH'S CARVING KNIFE. During these days there were terrible doings at Exeter. Camilla had sworn that if Mr. Gibson did not come to, there should be a tragedy, and it appeared that she was inclined to keep her word. Immediately after the receipt of her letter from Mr. Gibson she had had an interview with that gentleman in his lodgings, and had asked him his intentions. He had taken measures to fortify himself against such an attack; but, whatever those measures were, Camilla had broken through them. She had stood before him as he sat in his arm-chair, and he had been dumb in her presence. It had perhaps been well for him that the eloquence of her indignation had been so great that she had hardly been able to pause a moment for a reply. "Will you take your letter back again?" she had said. "I should be wrong to do that," he had lisped out in reply, "because it is true. As a Christian minister I could not stand with you at the altar with a lie in my mouth." In no other way did he attempt to excuse himself,--but that, twice repeated, filled up all the pause which she made for him. [Illustration: Camilla's wrath.] There never had been such a case before,--so impudent, so cruel, so gross, so uncalled for, so unmanly, so unnecessary, so unjustifiable, so damnable,--so sure of eternal condemnation! All this she said to him with loud voice, and clenched fist, and starting eyes,--regardless utterly of any listeners on the stairs, or of outside passers in the street. In very truth she was moved to a sublimity of indignation. Her low nature became nearly poetic under the wrong inflicted upon her. She was almost tempted to tear him with her hands, and inflict upon him at the moment some terrible vengeance which should be told of for ever in the annals of Exeter. A man so mean as he, so weak, so cowardly, one so little of a hero;--that he should dare to do it, and dare to sit there before her, and to say that he would do it! "Your gown shall be torn off your back, sir, and the very boys of Exeter shall drag you through the gutters!" To this threat he said nothing, but sat mute, hiding his face in his hands. "And now tell me this, sir;--is there anything between you and Bella?" But there was no voice in reply. "Answer my question, sir. I have a right to ask it." Still he said not a word. "Listen to me. Sooner than that you and she should be man and wife, I would stab her! Yes, I would;--you poor, paltry, lying, cowardly creature!" She remained with him for more than half an hour, and then banged out of the room flashing back a look of scorn at him as she went. Martha, before that day was over, had learned the whole story from Mr. Gibson's cook, and had told her mistress. "I did not think he had so much spirit in him," was Miss Stanbury's answer. Throughout Exeter the great wonder arising from the crisis was the amount of spirit which had been displayed by Mr. Gibson. When he was left alone he shook himself, and began to think that if there were danger that such interviews might occur frequently he had better leave Exeter for good. As he put his hand over his forehead, he declared to himself that a very little more of that kind of thing would kill him. When a couple of hours had passed over his head he shook himself again, and sat down and wrote a letter to his intended mother-in-law. I do not mean to complain [he said], God knows I have no right; but I cannot stand a repetition of what has occurred just now. If your younger daughter comes to see me again I must refuse to see her, and shall leave the town. I am ready to make what reparation may be possible for the mistake into which I have fallen. T. G. Mrs. French was no doubt much afraid of her younger daughter, but she was less afraid of her than were other people. Familiarity, they say, breeds contempt; and who can be so familiar with a child as its parent? She did not in her heart believe that Camilla would murder anybody, and she fully realised the conviction that, even after all that was come and gone, it would be better that one of her daughters should have a husband than that neither should be so blessed. If only Camilla could be got out of Exeter for a few months,--how good a thing it would be for them all! She had a brother in Gloucester,--if only he could be got to take Camilla for a few months! And then, too, she knew that if the true rights of her two daughters were strictly and impartially examined, Arabella's claim was much stronger than any that Camilla could put forward to the hand of Mr. Gibson. "You must not go there again, Camilla," the mother said. "I shall go whenever I please," replied the fury. "Now, Camilla, we may as well understand each other. I will not have it done. If I am provoked, I will send to your uncle at Gloucester." Now the uncle at Gloucester was a timber merchant, a man with protuberant eyes and a great square chin,--known to be a very stern man indeed, and not at all afraid of young women. "What do I care for my uncle? My uncle would take my part." "No, he would not. The truth is, Camilla, you interfered with Bella first." "Mamma, how dare you say so!" "You did, my dear. And these are the consequences." "And you mean to say that she is to be Mrs. Gibson?" "I say nothing about that. But I do not see why they shouldn't be married if their hearts are inclined to each other." "I will die first!" "Your dying has nothing to do with it, Camilla." "And I will kill her!" "If you speak to me again in that way I will write to your uncle at Gloucester. I have done the best I could for you both, and I will not bear such treatment." "And how am I treated?" "You should not have interfered with your sister." "You are all in a conspiracy together," shouted Camilla, "you are! There never was anybody so badly treated,--never,--never,--never! What will everybody say of me?" "They will pity you, if you will be quiet." "I don't want to be pitied;--I won't be pitied. I wish I could die,--and I will die! Anybody else would, at any rate, have had their mother and sister with them!" Then she burst into a flood of real, true, womanly tears. After this there was a lull at Heavitree for a few days. Camilla did not speak to her sister, but she condescended to hold some intercourse with her mother, and to take her meals at the family table. She did not go out of the house, but she employed herself in her own room, doing no one knew what, with all that new clothing and household gear which was to have been transferred in her train to Mr. Gibson's house. Mrs. French was somewhat uneasy about the new clothing and household gear, feeling that, in the event of Bella's marriage, at least a considerable portion of it must be transferred to the new bride. But it was impossible at the present moment to open such a subject to Camilla;--it would have been as a proposition to a lioness respecting the taking away of her whelps. Nevertheless, the day must soon come in which something must be said about the clothing and household gear. All the property that had been sent into the house at Camilla's orders could not be allowed to remain as Camilla's perquisites, now that Camilla was not to be married. "Do you know what she is doing, my dear?" said Mrs. French to her elder daughter. "Perhaps she is picking out the marks," said Bella. "I don't think she would do that as yet," said Mrs. French. "She might just as well leave it alone," said Bella, feeling that one of the two letters would do for her. But neither of them dared to speak to her of her occupation in these first days of her despair. Mr. Gibson in the meantime remained at home, or only left his house to go to the Cathedral or to visit the narrow confines of his little parish. When he was out he felt that everybody looked at him, and it seemed to him that people whispered about him when they saw him at his usual desk in the choir. His friends passed him merely bowing to him, and he was aware that he had done that which would be regarded by every one around him as unpardonable. And yet,--what ought he to have done? He acknowledged to himself that he had been very foolish, mad,--quite demented at the moment,--when he allowed himself to think it possible that he should marry Camilla French. But having found out how mad he had been at that moment, having satisfied himself that to live with her as his wife would be impossible, was he not right to break the engagement? Could anything be so wicked as marrying a woman whom he--hated? Thus he tried to excuse himself; but yet he knew that all the world would condemn him. Life in Exeter would be impossible, if no way to social pardon could be opened for him. He was willing to do anything within bounds in mitigation of his offence. He would give up fifty pounds a year to Camilla for his life,--or he would marry Bella. Yes; he would marry Bella at once,--if Camilla would only consent, and give up that idea of stabbing some one. Bella French was not very nice in his eyes; but she was quiet, he thought, and it might be possible to live with her. Nevertheless, he told himself over and over again that the manner in which unmarried men with incomes were set upon by ladies in want of husbands was very disgraceful to the country at large. That mission to Natal which had once been offered to him would have had charms for him now, of which he had not recognised the force when he rejected it. "Do you think that he ever was really engaged to her?" Dorothy said to her aunt. Dorothy was now living in a seventh heaven of happiness, writing love-letters to Brooke Burgess every other day, and devoting to this occupation a number of hours of which she ought to have been ashamed; making her purchases for her wedding,--with nothing, however, of the magnificence of a Camilla,--but discussing everything with her aunt, who urged her on to extravagances which seemed beyond the scope of her own economical ideas; settling, or trying to settle, little difficulties which perplexed her somewhat, and wondering at her own career. She could not of course be married without the presence of her mother and sister, and her aunt,--with something of a grim courtesy,--had intimated that they should be made welcome to the house in the Close for the special occasion. But nothing had been said about Hugh. The wedding was to be in the Cathedral, and Dorothy had a little scheme in her head for meeting her brother among the aisles. He would no doubt come down with Brooke, and nothing perhaps need be said about it to Aunt Stanbury. But still it was a trouble. Her aunt had been so good that Dorothy felt that no step should be taken which would vex the old woman. It was evident enough that when permission had been given for the visit of Mrs. Stanbury and Priscilla, Hugh's name had been purposely kept back. There had been no accidental omission. Dorothy, therefore, did not dare to mention it,--and yet it was essential for her happiness that he should be there. At the present moment Miss Stanbury's intense interest in the Stanbury wedding was somewhat mitigated by the excitement occasioned by Mr. Gibson's refusal to be married. Dorothy was so shocked that she could not bring herself to believe the statement that had reached them through Martha. "Of course he was engaged to her. We all knew that," said Miss Stanbury. "I think there must have been some mistake," said Dorothy. "I don't see how he could do it." "There is no knowing what people can do, my dear, when they're hard driven. I suppose we shall have a lawsuit now, and he'll have to pay ever so much money. Well, well, well! see what a deal of trouble you might have saved!" "But he'd have done the same to me, aunt;--only, you know, I never could have taken him. Isn't it better as it is, aunt? Tell me." "I suppose young women always think it best when they can get their own ways. An old woman like me has only got to do what she is bid." "But this was best, aunt;--was it not?" "My dear, you've had your way, and let that be enough. Poor Camilla French is not allowed to have hers at all. Dear, dear, dear! I didn't think the man would ever have been such a fool to begin with;--or that he would ever have had the heart to get out of it afterwards." It astonished Dorothy to find that her aunt was not loud in reprobation of Mr. Gibson's very dreadful conduct. In the meantime Mrs. French had written to her brother at Gloucester. The maid-servant, in making Miss Camilla's bed, and in "putting the room to rights," as she called it,--which description probably was intended to cover the circumstances of an accurate search,--had discovered, hidden among some linen,--a carving knife! such a knife as is used for the cutting up of fowls; and, after two days' interval, had imparted the discovery to Mrs. French. Instant visit was made to the pantry, and it was found that a very aged but unbroken and sharply-pointed weapon was missing. Mrs. French at once accused Camilla, and Camilla, after some hesitation, admitted that it might be there. Molly, she said, was a nasty, sly, wicked thing, to go looking in her drawers, and she would never leave anything unlocked again. The knife, she declared, had been taken up-stairs, because she had wanted something very sharp to cut,--the bones of her stays. The knife was given up, but Mrs. French thought it best to write to her brother, Mr. Crump. She was in great doubt about sundry matters. Had the carving knife really pointed to a domestic tragedy;--and if so, what steps ought a poor widow to take with such a daughter? And what ought to be done about Mr. Gibson? It ran through Mrs. French's mind that unless something were done at once, Mr. Gibson would escape scot free. It was her wish that he should yet become her son-in-law. Poor Bella was entitled to her chance. But if Bella was to be disappointed,--from fear of carving knives, or for other reasons,--then there came the question whether Mr. Gibson should not be made to pay in purse for the mischief he had done. With all these thoughts and doubts running through her head, Mrs. French wrote to her brother at Gloucester. There came back an answer from Mr. Crump, in which that gentleman expressed a very strong idea that Mr. Gibson should be prosecuted for damages with the utmost virulence, and with the least possible delay. No compromise should be accepted. Mr. Crump would himself come to Exeter and see the lawyer as soon as he should be told that there was a lawyer to be seen. As to the carving knife, Mr. Crump was of opinion that it did not mean anything. Mr. Crump was a gentleman who did not believe in strong romance, but who had great trust in all pecuniary claims. The Frenches had always been genteel. The late Captain French had been an officer in the army, and at ordinary times and seasons the Frenches were rather ashamed of the Crump connection. But now the timber merchant might prove himself to be a useful friend. Mrs. French shewed her brother's letter to Bella,--and poor Bella was again sore-hearted, seeing that nothing was said in it of her claims. "It will be dreadful scandal to have it all in the papers!" said Bella. "But what can we do?" "Anything would be better than that," said Bella. "And you don't want to punish Mr. Gibson, mamma." "But, my dear, you see what your uncle says. What can I do, except go to him for advice?" "Why don't you go to Mr. Gibson yourself, mamma?" But nothing was said to Camilla about Mr. Crump;--nothing as yet. Camilla did not love Mr. Crump, but there was no other house except that of Mr. Crump's at Gloucester to which she might be sent, if it could be arranged that Mr. Gibson and Bella should be made one. Mrs. French took her eldest daughter's advice, and went to Mr. Gibson;--taking Mr. Crump's letter in her pocket. For herself she wanted nothing,--but was it not the duty of her whole life to fight for her daughters? Poor woman! If somebody would only have taught her how that duty might best be done, she would have endeavoured to obey the teaching. "You know I do not want to threaten you," she said to Mr. Gibson; "but you see what my brother says. Of course I wrote to my brother. What could a poor woman do in such circumstances except write to her brother?" "If you choose to set the bloodhounds of the law at me, of course you can," said Mr. Gibson. "I do not want to go to law at all;--God knows I do not!" said Mrs. French. Then there was a pause. "Poor dear Bella!" ejaculated Mrs. French. "Dear Bella!" echoed Mr. Gibson. "What do you mean to do about Bella?" asked Mrs. French. "I sometimes think that I had better take poison and have done with it!" said Mr. Gibson, feeling himself to be very hard pressed. CHAPTER LXXXIII. BELLA VICTRIX. Mr. Crump arrived at Exeter. Camilla was not told of his coming till the morning of the day on which he arrived; and then the tidings were communicated, because it was necessary that a change should be made in the bed-rooms. She and her sister had separate rooms when there was no visitor with them, but now Mr. Crump must be accommodated. There was a long consultation between Bella and Mrs. French, but at last it was decided that Bella should sleep with her mother. There would still be too much of the lioness about Camilla to allow of her being regarded as a safe companion through the watches of the night. "Why is Uncle Jonas coming now?" she asked. "I thought it better to ask him," said Mrs. French. After a long pause, Camilla asked another question. "Does Uncle Jonas mean to see Mr. Gibson?" "I suppose he will," said Mrs. French. "Then he will see a low, mean fellow;--the lowest, meanest fellow that ever was heard of! But that won't make much difference to Uncle Jonas. I wouldn't have him now, if he was to ask me ever so;--that I wouldn't!" Mr. Crump came, and kissed his sister and two nieces. The embrace with Camilla was not very affectionate. "So your Joe has been and jilted you?" said Uncle Jonas;--"it's like one of them clergymen. They say so many prayers, they think they may do almost anything afterwards. Another man would have had his head punched." "The less talk there is about it the better," said Camilla. On the following day Mr. Crump called by appointment on Mr. Gibson, and remained closeted with that gentleman for the greater portion of the morning. Camilla knew well that he was going, and went about the house like a perturbed spirit during his absence. There was a look about her that made them all doubt whether she was not, in truth, losing her mind. Her mother more than once went to the pantry to see that the knives were right; and, as regarded that sharp-pointed weapon, was careful to lock it up carefully out of her daughter's way. Mr. Crump had declared himself willing to take Camilla back to Gloucester, and had laughed at the obstacles which his niece might, perhaps, throw in the way of such an arrangement. "She mustn't have much luggage;--that is all," said Mr. Crump. For Mr. Crump had been made aware of the circumstances of the trousseau. About three o'clock Mr. Crump came back from Mr. Gibson's, and expressed a desire to be left alone with Camilla. Mrs. French was prepared for everything; and Mr. Crump soon found himself with his younger niece. "Camilla, my dear," said he, "this has been a bad business." "I don't know what business you mean, Uncle Jonas." "Yes, you do, my dear;--you know. And I hope it won't come too late to prove to you that young women shouldn't be too keen in setting their caps at the gentlemen. It's better for them to be hunted, than to hunt." "Uncle Jonas, I will not be insulted." "Stick to that, my dear, and you won't get into a scrape again. Now, look here. This man can never be made to marry you, anyhow." "I wouldn't touch him with a pair of tongs, if he were kneeling at my feet!" "That's right; stick to that. Of course, you wouldn't now, after all that has come and gone. No girl with any spirit would." "He's a coward and a thief, and he'll be--damned for what he has done, some of these days!" "T-ch, t-ch, t-ch! That isn't a proper way for a young lady to talk. That's cursing and swearing." "It isn't cursing and swearing;--it's what the Bible says." "Then we'll leave him to the Bible. In the meantime, Mr. Gibson wants to marry some one else, and that can't hurt you." "He may marry whom he likes;--but he shan't marry Bella--that's all!" "It is Bella that he means to marry." "Then he won't. I'll forbid the banns. I'll write to the bishop. I'll go to the church and prevent its being done. I'll make such a noise in the town that it can't be done. It's no use your looking at me like that, Uncle Jonas. I've got my own feelings, and he shall never marry Bella. It's what they have been intending all through, and it shan't be done!" "It will be done." "Uncle Jonas, I'll stab her to the heart, and him too, before I'll see it done! Though I were to be killed the next day, I would. Could you bear it?" "I'm not a young woman. Now, I'll tell you what I want you to do." "I'll not do anything." "Just pack up your things, and start with me to Gloucester to-morrow." "I--won't!" "Then you'll be carried, my dear. I'll write to your aunt, to say that you're coming; and we'll be as jolly as possible when we get you home." "I won't go to Gloucester, Uncle Jonas. I won't go away from Exeter. I won't let it be done. She shall never, never, never be that man's wife!" Nevertheless, on the day but one after this, Camilla French did go to Gloucester. Before she went, however, things had to be done in that house which almost made Mrs. French repent that she had sent for so stern an assistant. Camilla was at last told, in so many words, that the things which she had prepared for her own wedding must be given up for the wedding of her sister; and it seemed that this item in the list of her sorrows troubled her

action

How many times the word 'action' appears in the text?

As he said this, he heard a step behind them, and turning round saw Wallachia there almost before he could drop his arm. "I am sorry that I have intruded on you," she said very grimly. "Not in the least," said Mr. Glascock. "Caroline and I have had a little dispute, but we have settled it without coming to blows." "I do not suppose that an English gentleman ever absolutely strikes a lady," said Wallachia Petrie. "Not except on strong provocation," said Mr. Glascock. "In reference to wives, a stick is allowed as big as your thumb." "I have heard that it is so by the laws of England," said Wallachia. "How can you be so ridiculous, Wally!" said Caroline. "There is nothing that you would not believe." "I hope that it may never be true in your case," said Wallachia. A couple of days after this Miss Spalding found that it was absolutely necessary that she should explain the circumstances of her position to Nora. She had left Nora with the purpose of performing a very high-minded action, of sacrificing herself for the sake of her lover, of giving up all her golden prospects, and of becoming once again the bosom friend of Wallachia Petrie, with this simple consolation for her future life,--that she had refused to marry an English nobleman because the English nobleman's condition was unsuited to her. It would have been an episode in female life in which pride might be taken;--but all that was now changed. She had made her little attempt,--had made it, as she felt, in a very languid manner, and had found herself treated as a child for doing so. Of course she was happy in her ill success; of course she would have been broken-hearted had she succeeded. But, nevertheless, she was somewhat lowered in her own esteem, and it was necessary that she should acknowledge the truth to the friend whom she had consulted. A day or two had passed before she found herself alone with Nora, but when she did so she confessed her failure at once. "You told him all, then?" said Nora. "Oh yes, I told him all. That is, I could not really tell him. When the moment came I had no words." "And what did he say?" "He had words enough. I never knew him to be eloquent before." "He can speak out if he likes," said Nora. "So I have found,--with a vengeance. Nobody was ever so put down as I was. Don't you know that there are times when it does not seem to be worth your while to put out your strength against an adversary? So it was with him. He just told me that he was my master, and that I was to do as he bade me." "And what did you say?" "I promised to be a good girl," said Caroline, "and not to pretend to have any opinion of my own ever again. And so we kissed, and were friends." "I dare say there was a kiss, my dear." "Of course there was;--and he held me in his arms, and comforted me, and told me how to behave;--just as you would do a little girl. It's all over now, of course; and if there be a mistake, it is his fault. I feel that all responsibility is gone from myself, and that for all the rest of my life I have to do just what he tells me." "And what says the divine Wallachia?" "Poor Wally! She says nothing, but she thinks that I am a castaway and a recreant. I am a recreant, I know;--but yet I think that I was right. I know I could not help myself." "Of course you were right, my dear," said the sage Nora. "If you had the notion in your head, it was wise to get rid of it; but I knew how it would be when you spoke to him." "You were not so weak when he came to you." "That was altogether another thing. It was not arranged in heaven that I was to become his captive." After that Wallachia Petrie never again tried her influence on her former friend, but admitted to herself that the evil was done, and that it could not be remedied. According to her theory of life, Caroline Spalding had been wrong, and weak,--had shewn herself to be comfort-loving and luxuriously-minded, had looked to get her happiness from soft effeminate pleasures rather than from rational work and the useful, independent exercise of her own intelligence. In the privacy of her little chamber Wallachia Petrie shed,--not absolute tears,--but many tearful thoughts over her friend. It was to her a thing very terrible that the chosen one of her heart should prefer the career of an English lord's wife to that of an American citizeness, with all manner of capability for female voting, female speech-making, female poetising, and, perhaps, female political action before her. It was a thousand pities! "You may take a horse to water,"--said Wallachia to herself, thinking of the ever-freshly springing fountain of her own mind, at which Caroline Spalding would always have been made welcome freely to quench her thirst,--"but you cannot make him drink if he be not athirst." In the future she would have no friend. Never again would she subject herself to the disgrace of such a failure. But the sacrifice was to be made, and she knew that it was bootless to waste her words further on Caroline Spalding. She left Florence before the wedding, and returned alone to the land of liberty. She wrote a letter to Caroline explaining her conduct, and Caroline Spalding shewed the letter to her husband,--as one that was both loving and eloquent. "Very loving and very eloquent," he said. "But, nevertheless, one does think of sour grapes." "There I am sure you wrong her," said Caroline. CHAPTER LXXXII. MRS. FRENCH'S CARVING KNIFE. During these days there were terrible doings at Exeter. Camilla had sworn that if Mr. Gibson did not come to, there should be a tragedy, and it appeared that she was inclined to keep her word. Immediately after the receipt of her letter from Mr. Gibson she had had an interview with that gentleman in his lodgings, and had asked him his intentions. He had taken measures to fortify himself against such an attack; but, whatever those measures were, Camilla had broken through them. She had stood before him as he sat in his arm-chair, and he had been dumb in her presence. It had perhaps been well for him that the eloquence of her indignation had been so great that she had hardly been able to pause a moment for a reply. "Will you take your letter back again?" she had said. "I should be wrong to do that," he had lisped out in reply, "because it is true. As a Christian minister I could not stand with you at the altar with a lie in my mouth." In no other way did he attempt to excuse himself,--but that, twice repeated, filled up all the pause which she made for him. [Illustration: Camilla's wrath.] There never had been such a case before,--so impudent, so cruel, so gross, so uncalled for, so unmanly, so unnecessary, so unjustifiable, so damnable,--so sure of eternal condemnation! All this she said to him with loud voice, and clenched fist, and starting eyes,--regardless utterly of any listeners on the stairs, or of outside passers in the street. In very truth she was moved to a sublimity of indignation. Her low nature became nearly poetic under the wrong inflicted upon her. She was almost tempted to tear him with her hands, and inflict upon him at the moment some terrible vengeance which should be told of for ever in the annals of Exeter. A man so mean as he, so weak, so cowardly, one so little of a hero;--that he should dare to do it, and dare to sit there before her, and to say that he would do it! "Your gown shall be torn off your back, sir, and the very boys of Exeter shall drag you through the gutters!" To this threat he said nothing, but sat mute, hiding his face in his hands. "And now tell me this, sir;--is there anything between you and Bella?" But there was no voice in reply. "Answer my question, sir. I have a right to ask it." Still he said not a word. "Listen to me. Sooner than that you and she should be man and wife, I would stab her! Yes, I would;--you poor, paltry, lying, cowardly creature!" She remained with him for more than half an hour, and then banged out of the room flashing back a look of scorn at him as she went. Martha, before that day was over, had learned the whole story from Mr. Gibson's cook, and had told her mistress. "I did not think he had so much spirit in him," was Miss Stanbury's answer. Throughout Exeter the great wonder arising from the crisis was the amount of spirit which had been displayed by Mr. Gibson. When he was left alone he shook himself, and began to think that if there were danger that such interviews might occur frequently he had better leave Exeter for good. As he put his hand over his forehead, he declared to himself that a very little more of that kind of thing would kill him. When a couple of hours had passed over his head he shook himself again, and sat down and wrote a letter to his intended mother-in-law. I do not mean to complain [he said], God knows I have no right; but I cannot stand a repetition of what has occurred just now. If your younger daughter comes to see me again I must refuse to see her, and shall leave the town. I am ready to make what reparation may be possible for the mistake into which I have fallen. T. G. Mrs. French was no doubt much afraid of her younger daughter, but she was less afraid of her than were other people. Familiarity, they say, breeds contempt; and who can be so familiar with a child as its parent? She did not in her heart believe that Camilla would murder anybody, and she fully realised the conviction that, even after all that was come and gone, it would be better that one of her daughters should have a husband than that neither should be so blessed. If only Camilla could be got out of Exeter for a few months,--how good a thing it would be for them all! She had a brother in Gloucester,--if only he could be got to take Camilla for a few months! And then, too, she knew that if the true rights of her two daughters were strictly and impartially examined, Arabella's claim was much stronger than any that Camilla could put forward to the hand of Mr. Gibson. "You must not go there again, Camilla," the mother said. "I shall go whenever I please," replied the fury. "Now, Camilla, we may as well understand each other. I will not have it done. If I am provoked, I will send to your uncle at Gloucester." Now the uncle at Gloucester was a timber merchant, a man with protuberant eyes and a great square chin,--known to be a very stern man indeed, and not at all afraid of young women. "What do I care for my uncle? My uncle would take my part." "No, he would not. The truth is, Camilla, you interfered with Bella first." "Mamma, how dare you say so!" "You did, my dear. And these are the consequences." "And you mean to say that she is to be Mrs. Gibson?" "I say nothing about that. But I do not see why they shouldn't be married if their hearts are inclined to each other." "I will die first!" "Your dying has nothing to do with it, Camilla." "And I will kill her!" "If you speak to me again in that way I will write to your uncle at Gloucester. I have done the best I could for you both, and I will not bear such treatment." "And how am I treated?" "You should not have interfered with your sister." "You are all in a conspiracy together," shouted Camilla, "you are! There never was anybody so badly treated,--never,--never,--never! What will everybody say of me?" "They will pity you, if you will be quiet." "I don't want to be pitied;--I won't be pitied. I wish I could die,--and I will die! Anybody else would, at any rate, have had their mother and sister with them!" Then she burst into a flood of real, true, womanly tears. After this there was a lull at Heavitree for a few days. Camilla did not speak to her sister, but she condescended to hold some intercourse with her mother, and to take her meals at the family table. She did not go out of the house, but she employed herself in her own room, doing no one knew what, with all that new clothing and household gear which was to have been transferred in her train to Mr. Gibson's house. Mrs. French was somewhat uneasy about the new clothing and household gear, feeling that, in the event of Bella's marriage, at least a considerable portion of it must be transferred to the new bride. But it was impossible at the present moment to open such a subject to Camilla;--it would have been as a proposition to a lioness respecting the taking away of her whelps. Nevertheless, the day must soon come in which something must be said about the clothing and household gear. All the property that had been sent into the house at Camilla's orders could not be allowed to remain as Camilla's perquisites, now that Camilla was not to be married. "Do you know what she is doing, my dear?" said Mrs. French to her elder daughter. "Perhaps she is picking out the marks," said Bella. "I don't think she would do that as yet," said Mrs. French. "She might just as well leave it alone," said Bella, feeling that one of the two letters would do for her. But neither of them dared to speak to her of her occupation in these first days of her despair. Mr. Gibson in the meantime remained at home, or only left his house to go to the Cathedral or to visit the narrow confines of his little parish. When he was out he felt that everybody looked at him, and it seemed to him that people whispered about him when they saw him at his usual desk in the choir. His friends passed him merely bowing to him, and he was aware that he had done that which would be regarded by every one around him as unpardonable. And yet,--what ought he to have done? He acknowledged to himself that he had been very foolish, mad,--quite demented at the moment,--when he allowed himself to think it possible that he should marry Camilla French. But having found out how mad he had been at that moment, having satisfied himself that to live with her as his wife would be impossible, was he not right to break the engagement? Could anything be so wicked as marrying a woman whom he--hated? Thus he tried to excuse himself; but yet he knew that all the world would condemn him. Life in Exeter would be impossible, if no way to social pardon could be opened for him. He was willing to do anything within bounds in mitigation of his offence. He would give up fifty pounds a year to Camilla for his life,--or he would marry Bella. Yes; he would marry Bella at once,--if Camilla would only consent, and give up that idea of stabbing some one. Bella French was not very nice in his eyes; but she was quiet, he thought, and it might be possible to live with her. Nevertheless, he told himself over and over again that the manner in which unmarried men with incomes were set upon by ladies in want of husbands was very disgraceful to the country at large. That mission to Natal which had once been offered to him would have had charms for him now, of which he had not recognised the force when he rejected it. "Do you think that he ever was really engaged to her?" Dorothy said to her aunt. Dorothy was now living in a seventh heaven of happiness, writing love-letters to Brooke Burgess every other day, and devoting to this occupation a number of hours of which she ought to have been ashamed; making her purchases for her wedding,--with nothing, however, of the magnificence of a Camilla,--but discussing everything with her aunt, who urged her on to extravagances which seemed beyond the scope of her own economical ideas; settling, or trying to settle, little difficulties which perplexed her somewhat, and wondering at her own career. She could not of course be married without the presence of her mother and sister, and her aunt,--with something of a grim courtesy,--had intimated that they should be made welcome to the house in the Close for the special occasion. But nothing had been said about Hugh. The wedding was to be in the Cathedral, and Dorothy had a little scheme in her head for meeting her brother among the aisles. He would no doubt come down with Brooke, and nothing perhaps need be said about it to Aunt Stanbury. But still it was a trouble. Her aunt had been so good that Dorothy felt that no step should be taken which would vex the old woman. It was evident enough that when permission had been given for the visit of Mrs. Stanbury and Priscilla, Hugh's name had been purposely kept back. There had been no accidental omission. Dorothy, therefore, did not dare to mention it,--and yet it was essential for her happiness that he should be there. At the present moment Miss Stanbury's intense interest in the Stanbury wedding was somewhat mitigated by the excitement occasioned by Mr. Gibson's refusal to be married. Dorothy was so shocked that she could not bring herself to believe the statement that had reached them through Martha. "Of course he was engaged to her. We all knew that," said Miss Stanbury. "I think there must have been some mistake," said Dorothy. "I don't see how he could do it." "There is no knowing what people can do, my dear, when they're hard driven. I suppose we shall have a lawsuit now, and he'll have to pay ever so much money. Well, well, well! see what a deal of trouble you might have saved!" "But he'd have done the same to me, aunt;--only, you know, I never could have taken him. Isn't it better as it is, aunt? Tell me." "I suppose young women always think it best when they can get their own ways. An old woman like me has only got to do what she is bid." "But this was best, aunt;--was it not?" "My dear, you've had your way, and let that be enough. Poor Camilla French is not allowed to have hers at all. Dear, dear, dear! I didn't think the man would ever have been such a fool to begin with;--or that he would ever have had the heart to get out of it afterwards." It astonished Dorothy to find that her aunt was not loud in reprobation of Mr. Gibson's very dreadful conduct. In the meantime Mrs. French had written to her brother at Gloucester. The maid-servant, in making Miss Camilla's bed, and in "putting the room to rights," as she called it,--which description probably was intended to cover the circumstances of an accurate search,--had discovered, hidden among some linen,--a carving knife! such a knife as is used for the cutting up of fowls; and, after two days' interval, had imparted the discovery to Mrs. French. Instant visit was made to the pantry, and it was found that a very aged but unbroken and sharply-pointed weapon was missing. Mrs. French at once accused Camilla, and Camilla, after some hesitation, admitted that it might be there. Molly, she said, was a nasty, sly, wicked thing, to go looking in her drawers, and she would never leave anything unlocked again. The knife, she declared, had been taken up-stairs, because she had wanted something very sharp to cut,--the bones of her stays. The knife was given up, but Mrs. French thought it best to write to her brother, Mr. Crump. She was in great doubt about sundry matters. Had the carving knife really pointed to a domestic tragedy;--and if so, what steps ought a poor widow to take with such a daughter? And what ought to be done about Mr. Gibson? It ran through Mrs. French's mind that unless something were done at once, Mr. Gibson would escape scot free. It was her wish that he should yet become her son-in-law. Poor Bella was entitled to her chance. But if Bella was to be disappointed,--from fear of carving knives, or for other reasons,--then there came the question whether Mr. Gibson should not be made to pay in purse for the mischief he had done. With all these thoughts and doubts running through her head, Mrs. French wrote to her brother at Gloucester. There came back an answer from Mr. Crump, in which that gentleman expressed a very strong idea that Mr. Gibson should be prosecuted for damages with the utmost virulence, and with the least possible delay. No compromise should be accepted. Mr. Crump would himself come to Exeter and see the lawyer as soon as he should be told that there was a lawyer to be seen. As to the carving knife, Mr. Crump was of opinion that it did not mean anything. Mr. Crump was a gentleman who did not believe in strong romance, but who had great trust in all pecuniary claims. The Frenches had always been genteel. The late Captain French had been an officer in the army, and at ordinary times and seasons the Frenches were rather ashamed of the Crump connection. But now the timber merchant might prove himself to be a useful friend. Mrs. French shewed her brother's letter to Bella,--and poor Bella was again sore-hearted, seeing that nothing was said in it of her claims. "It will be dreadful scandal to have it all in the papers!" said Bella. "But what can we do?" "Anything would be better than that," said Bella. "And you don't want to punish Mr. Gibson, mamma." "But, my dear, you see what your uncle says. What can I do, except go to him for advice?" "Why don't you go to Mr. Gibson yourself, mamma?" But nothing was said to Camilla about Mr. Crump;--nothing as yet. Camilla did not love Mr. Crump, but there was no other house except that of Mr. Crump's at Gloucester to which she might be sent, if it could be arranged that Mr. Gibson and Bella should be made one. Mrs. French took her eldest daughter's advice, and went to Mr. Gibson;--taking Mr. Crump's letter in her pocket. For herself she wanted nothing,--but was it not the duty of her whole life to fight for her daughters? Poor woman! If somebody would only have taught her how that duty might best be done, she would have endeavoured to obey the teaching. "You know I do not want to threaten you," she said to Mr. Gibson; "but you see what my brother says. Of course I wrote to my brother. What could a poor woman do in such circumstances except write to her brother?" "If you choose to set the bloodhounds of the law at me, of course you can," said Mr. Gibson. "I do not want to go to law at all;--God knows I do not!" said Mrs. French. Then there was a pause. "Poor dear Bella!" ejaculated Mrs. French. "Dear Bella!" echoed Mr. Gibson. "What do you mean to do about Bella?" asked Mrs. French. "I sometimes think that I had better take poison and have done with it!" said Mr. Gibson, feeling himself to be very hard pressed. CHAPTER LXXXIII. BELLA VICTRIX. Mr. Crump arrived at Exeter. Camilla was not told of his coming till the morning of the day on which he arrived; and then the tidings were communicated, because it was necessary that a change should be made in the bed-rooms. She and her sister had separate rooms when there was no visitor with them, but now Mr. Crump must be accommodated. There was a long consultation between Bella and Mrs. French, but at last it was decided that Bella should sleep with her mother. There would still be too much of the lioness about Camilla to allow of her being regarded as a safe companion through the watches of the night. "Why is Uncle Jonas coming now?" she asked. "I thought it better to ask him," said Mrs. French. After a long pause, Camilla asked another question. "Does Uncle Jonas mean to see Mr. Gibson?" "I suppose he will," said Mrs. French. "Then he will see a low, mean fellow;--the lowest, meanest fellow that ever was heard of! But that won't make much difference to Uncle Jonas. I wouldn't have him now, if he was to ask me ever so;--that I wouldn't!" Mr. Crump came, and kissed his sister and two nieces. The embrace with Camilla was not very affectionate. "So your Joe has been and jilted you?" said Uncle Jonas;--"it's like one of them clergymen. They say so many prayers, they think they may do almost anything afterwards. Another man would have had his head punched." "The less talk there is about it the better," said Camilla. On the following day Mr. Crump called by appointment on Mr. Gibson, and remained closeted with that gentleman for the greater portion of the morning. Camilla knew well that he was going, and went about the house like a perturbed spirit during his absence. There was a look about her that made them all doubt whether she was not, in truth, losing her mind. Her mother more than once went to the pantry to see that the knives were right; and, as regarded that sharp-pointed weapon, was careful to lock it up carefully out of her daughter's way. Mr. Crump had declared himself willing to take Camilla back to Gloucester, and had laughed at the obstacles which his niece might, perhaps, throw in the way of such an arrangement. "She mustn't have much luggage;--that is all," said Mr. Crump. For Mr. Crump had been made aware of the circumstances of the trousseau. About three o'clock Mr. Crump came back from Mr. Gibson's, and expressed a desire to be left alone with Camilla. Mrs. French was prepared for everything; and Mr. Crump soon found himself with his younger niece. "Camilla, my dear," said he, "this has been a bad business." "I don't know what business you mean, Uncle Jonas." "Yes, you do, my dear;--you know. And I hope it won't come too late to prove to you that young women shouldn't be too keen in setting their caps at the gentlemen. It's better for them to be hunted, than to hunt." "Uncle Jonas, I will not be insulted." "Stick to that, my dear, and you won't get into a scrape again. Now, look here. This man can never be made to marry you, anyhow." "I wouldn't touch him with a pair of tongs, if he were kneeling at my feet!" "That's right; stick to that. Of course, you wouldn't now, after all that has come and gone. No girl with any spirit would." "He's a coward and a thief, and he'll be--damned for what he has done, some of these days!" "T-ch, t-ch, t-ch! That isn't a proper way for a young lady to talk. That's cursing and swearing." "It isn't cursing and swearing;--it's what the Bible says." "Then we'll leave him to the Bible. In the meantime, Mr. Gibson wants to marry some one else, and that can't hurt you." "He may marry whom he likes;--but he shan't marry Bella--that's all!" "It is Bella that he means to marry." "Then he won't. I'll forbid the banns. I'll write to the bishop. I'll go to the church and prevent its being done. I'll make such a noise in the town that it can't be done. It's no use your looking at me like that, Uncle Jonas. I've got my own feelings, and he shall never marry Bella. It's what they have been intending all through, and it shan't be done!" "It will be done." "Uncle Jonas, I'll stab her to the heart, and him too, before I'll see it done! Though I were to be killed the next day, I would. Could you bear it?" "I'm not a young woman. Now, I'll tell you what I want you to do." "I'll not do anything." "Just pack up your things, and start with me to Gloucester to-morrow." "I--won't!" "Then you'll be carried, my dear. I'll write to your aunt, to say that you're coming; and we'll be as jolly as possible when we get you home." "I won't go to Gloucester, Uncle Jonas. I won't go away from Exeter. I won't let it be done. She shall never, never, never be that man's wife!" Nevertheless, on the day but one after this, Camilla French did go to Gloucester. Before she went, however, things had to be done in that house which almost made Mrs. French repent that she had sent for so stern an assistant. Camilla was at last told, in so many words, that the things which she had prepared for her own wedding must be given up for the wedding of her sister; and it seemed that this item in the list of her sorrows troubled her

inclined

How many times the word 'inclined' appears in the text?

As he said this, he heard a step behind them, and turning round saw Wallachia there almost before he could drop his arm. "I am sorry that I have intruded on you," she said very grimly. "Not in the least," said Mr. Glascock. "Caroline and I have had a little dispute, but we have settled it without coming to blows." "I do not suppose that an English gentleman ever absolutely strikes a lady," said Wallachia Petrie. "Not except on strong provocation," said Mr. Glascock. "In reference to wives, a stick is allowed as big as your thumb." "I have heard that it is so by the laws of England," said Wallachia. "How can you be so ridiculous, Wally!" said Caroline. "There is nothing that you would not believe." "I hope that it may never be true in your case," said Wallachia. A couple of days after this Miss Spalding found that it was absolutely necessary that she should explain the circumstances of her position to Nora. She had left Nora with the purpose of performing a very high-minded action, of sacrificing herself for the sake of her lover, of giving up all her golden prospects, and of becoming once again the bosom friend of Wallachia Petrie, with this simple consolation for her future life,--that she had refused to marry an English nobleman because the English nobleman's condition was unsuited to her. It would have been an episode in female life in which pride might be taken;--but all that was now changed. She had made her little attempt,--had made it, as she felt, in a very languid manner, and had found herself treated as a child for doing so. Of course she was happy in her ill success; of course she would have been broken-hearted had she succeeded. But, nevertheless, she was somewhat lowered in her own esteem, and it was necessary that she should acknowledge the truth to the friend whom she had consulted. A day or two had passed before she found herself alone with Nora, but when she did so she confessed her failure at once. "You told him all, then?" said Nora. "Oh yes, I told him all. That is, I could not really tell him. When the moment came I had no words." "And what did he say?" "He had words enough. I never knew him to be eloquent before." "He can speak out if he likes," said Nora. "So I have found,--with a vengeance. Nobody was ever so put down as I was. Don't you know that there are times when it does not seem to be worth your while to put out your strength against an adversary? So it was with him. He just told me that he was my master, and that I was to do as he bade me." "And what did you say?" "I promised to be a good girl," said Caroline, "and not to pretend to have any opinion of my own ever again. And so we kissed, and were friends." "I dare say there was a kiss, my dear." "Of course there was;--and he held me in his arms, and comforted me, and told me how to behave;--just as you would do a little girl. It's all over now, of course; and if there be a mistake, it is his fault. I feel that all responsibility is gone from myself, and that for all the rest of my life I have to do just what he tells me." "And what says the divine Wallachia?" "Poor Wally! She says nothing, but she thinks that I am a castaway and a recreant. I am a recreant, I know;--but yet I think that I was right. I know I could not help myself." "Of course you were right, my dear," said the sage Nora. "If you had the notion in your head, it was wise to get rid of it; but I knew how it would be when you spoke to him." "You were not so weak when he came to you." "That was altogether another thing. It was not arranged in heaven that I was to become his captive." After that Wallachia Petrie never again tried her influence on her former friend, but admitted to herself that the evil was done, and that it could not be remedied. According to her theory of life, Caroline Spalding had been wrong, and weak,--had shewn herself to be comfort-loving and luxuriously-minded, had looked to get her happiness from soft effeminate pleasures rather than from rational work and the useful, independent exercise of her own intelligence. In the privacy of her little chamber Wallachia Petrie shed,--not absolute tears,--but many tearful thoughts over her friend. It was to her a thing very terrible that the chosen one of her heart should prefer the career of an English lord's wife to that of an American citizeness, with all manner of capability for female voting, female speech-making, female poetising, and, perhaps, female political action before her. It was a thousand pities! "You may take a horse to water,"--said Wallachia to herself, thinking of the ever-freshly springing fountain of her own mind, at which Caroline Spalding would always have been made welcome freely to quench her thirst,--"but you cannot make him drink if he be not athirst." In the future she would have no friend. Never again would she subject herself to the disgrace of such a failure. But the sacrifice was to be made, and she knew that it was bootless to waste her words further on Caroline Spalding. She left Florence before the wedding, and returned alone to the land of liberty. She wrote a letter to Caroline explaining her conduct, and Caroline Spalding shewed the letter to her husband,--as one that was both loving and eloquent. "Very loving and very eloquent," he said. "But, nevertheless, one does think of sour grapes." "There I am sure you wrong her," said Caroline. CHAPTER LXXXII. MRS. FRENCH'S CARVING KNIFE. During these days there were terrible doings at Exeter. Camilla had sworn that if Mr. Gibson did not come to, there should be a tragedy, and it appeared that she was inclined to keep her word. Immediately after the receipt of her letter from Mr. Gibson she had had an interview with that gentleman in his lodgings, and had asked him his intentions. He had taken measures to fortify himself against such an attack; but, whatever those measures were, Camilla had broken through them. She had stood before him as he sat in his arm-chair, and he had been dumb in her presence. It had perhaps been well for him that the eloquence of her indignation had been so great that she had hardly been able to pause a moment for a reply. "Will you take your letter back again?" she had said. "I should be wrong to do that," he had lisped out in reply, "because it is true. As a Christian minister I could not stand with you at the altar with a lie in my mouth." In no other way did he attempt to excuse himself,--but that, twice repeated, filled up all the pause which she made for him. [Illustration: Camilla's wrath.] There never had been such a case before,--so impudent, so cruel, so gross, so uncalled for, so unmanly, so unnecessary, so unjustifiable, so damnable,--so sure of eternal condemnation! All this she said to him with loud voice, and clenched fist, and starting eyes,--regardless utterly of any listeners on the stairs, or of outside passers in the street. In very truth she was moved to a sublimity of indignation. Her low nature became nearly poetic under the wrong inflicted upon her. She was almost tempted to tear him with her hands, and inflict upon him at the moment some terrible vengeance which should be told of for ever in the annals of Exeter. A man so mean as he, so weak, so cowardly, one so little of a hero;--that he should dare to do it, and dare to sit there before her, and to say that he would do it! "Your gown shall be torn off your back, sir, and the very boys of Exeter shall drag you through the gutters!" To this threat he said nothing, but sat mute, hiding his face in his hands. "And now tell me this, sir;--is there anything between you and Bella?" But there was no voice in reply. "Answer my question, sir. I have a right to ask it." Still he said not a word. "Listen to me. Sooner than that you and she should be man and wife, I would stab her! Yes, I would;--you poor, paltry, lying, cowardly creature!" She remained with him for more than half an hour, and then banged out of the room flashing back a look of scorn at him as she went. Martha, before that day was over, had learned the whole story from Mr. Gibson's cook, and had told her mistress. "I did not think he had so much spirit in him," was Miss Stanbury's answer. Throughout Exeter the great wonder arising from the crisis was the amount of spirit which had been displayed by Mr. Gibson. When he was left alone he shook himself, and began to think that if there were danger that such interviews might occur frequently he had better leave Exeter for good. As he put his hand over his forehead, he declared to himself that a very little more of that kind of thing would kill him. When a couple of hours had passed over his head he shook himself again, and sat down and wrote a letter to his intended mother-in-law. I do not mean to complain [he said], God knows I have no right; but I cannot stand a repetition of what has occurred just now. If your younger daughter comes to see me again I must refuse to see her, and shall leave the town. I am ready to make what reparation may be possible for the mistake into which I have fallen. T. G. Mrs. French was no doubt much afraid of her younger daughter, but she was less afraid of her than were other people. Familiarity, they say, breeds contempt; and who can be so familiar with a child as its parent? She did not in her heart believe that Camilla would murder anybody, and she fully realised the conviction that, even after all that was come and gone, it would be better that one of her daughters should have a husband than that neither should be so blessed. If only Camilla could be got out of Exeter for a few months,--how good a thing it would be for them all! She had a brother in Gloucester,--if only he could be got to take Camilla for a few months! And then, too, she knew that if the true rights of her two daughters were strictly and impartially examined, Arabella's claim was much stronger than any that Camilla could put forward to the hand of Mr. Gibson. "You must not go there again, Camilla," the mother said. "I shall go whenever I please," replied the fury. "Now, Camilla, we may as well understand each other. I will not have it done. If I am provoked, I will send to your uncle at Gloucester." Now the uncle at Gloucester was a timber merchant, a man with protuberant eyes and a great square chin,--known to be a very stern man indeed, and not at all afraid of young women. "What do I care for my uncle? My uncle would take my part." "No, he would not. The truth is, Camilla, you interfered with Bella first." "Mamma, how dare you say so!" "You did, my dear. And these are the consequences." "And you mean to say that she is to be Mrs. Gibson?" "I say nothing about that. But I do not see why they shouldn't be married if their hearts are inclined to each other." "I will die first!" "Your dying has nothing to do with it, Camilla." "And I will kill her!" "If you speak to me again in that way I will write to your uncle at Gloucester. I have done the best I could for you both, and I will not bear such treatment." "And how am I treated?" "You should not have interfered with your sister." "You are all in a conspiracy together," shouted Camilla, "you are! There never was anybody so badly treated,--never,--never,--never! What will everybody say of me?" "They will pity you, if you will be quiet." "I don't want to be pitied;--I won't be pitied. I wish I could die,--and I will die! Anybody else would, at any rate, have had their mother and sister with them!" Then she burst into a flood of real, true, womanly tears. After this there was a lull at Heavitree for a few days. Camilla did not speak to her sister, but she condescended to hold some intercourse with her mother, and to take her meals at the family table. She did not go out of the house, but she employed herself in her own room, doing no one knew what, with all that new clothing and household gear which was to have been transferred in her train to Mr. Gibson's house. Mrs. French was somewhat uneasy about the new clothing and household gear, feeling that, in the event of Bella's marriage, at least a considerable portion of it must be transferred to the new bride. But it was impossible at the present moment to open such a subject to Camilla;--it would have been as a proposition to a lioness respecting the taking away of her whelps. Nevertheless, the day must soon come in which something must be said about the clothing and household gear. All the property that had been sent into the house at Camilla's orders could not be allowed to remain as Camilla's perquisites, now that Camilla was not to be married. "Do you know what she is doing, my dear?" said Mrs. French to her elder daughter. "Perhaps she is picking out the marks," said Bella. "I don't think she would do that as yet," said Mrs. French. "She might just as well leave it alone," said Bella, feeling that one of the two letters would do for her. But neither of them dared to speak to her of her occupation in these first days of her despair. Mr. Gibson in the meantime remained at home, or only left his house to go to the Cathedral or to visit the narrow confines of his little parish. When he was out he felt that everybody looked at him, and it seemed to him that people whispered about him when they saw him at his usual desk in the choir. His friends passed him merely bowing to him, and he was aware that he had done that which would be regarded by every one around him as unpardonable. And yet,--what ought he to have done? He acknowledged to himself that he had been very foolish, mad,--quite demented at the moment,--when he allowed himself to think it possible that he should marry Camilla French. But having found out how mad he had been at that moment, having satisfied himself that to live with her as his wife would be impossible, was he not right to break the engagement? Could anything be so wicked as marrying a woman whom he--hated? Thus he tried to excuse himself; but yet he knew that all the world would condemn him. Life in Exeter would be impossible, if no way to social pardon could be opened for him. He was willing to do anything within bounds in mitigation of his offence. He would give up fifty pounds a year to Camilla for his life,--or he would marry Bella. Yes; he would marry Bella at once,--if Camilla would only consent, and give up that idea of stabbing some one. Bella French was not very nice in his eyes; but she was quiet, he thought, and it might be possible to live with her. Nevertheless, he told himself over and over again that the manner in which unmarried men with incomes were set upon by ladies in want of husbands was very disgraceful to the country at large. That mission to Natal which had once been offered to him would have had charms for him now, of which he had not recognised the force when he rejected it. "Do you think that he ever was really engaged to her?" Dorothy said to her aunt. Dorothy was now living in a seventh heaven of happiness, writing love-letters to Brooke Burgess every other day, and devoting to this occupation a number of hours of which she ought to have been ashamed; making her purchases for her wedding,--with nothing, however, of the magnificence of a Camilla,--but discussing everything with her aunt, who urged her on to extravagances which seemed beyond the scope of her own economical ideas; settling, or trying to settle, little difficulties which perplexed her somewhat, and wondering at her own career. She could not of course be married without the presence of her mother and sister, and her aunt,--with something of a grim courtesy,--had intimated that they should be made welcome to the house in the Close for the special occasion. But nothing had been said about Hugh. The wedding was to be in the Cathedral, and Dorothy had a little scheme in her head for meeting her brother among the aisles. He would no doubt come down with Brooke, and nothing perhaps need be said about it to Aunt Stanbury. But still it was a trouble. Her aunt had been so good that Dorothy felt that no step should be taken which would vex the old woman. It was evident enough that when permission had been given for the visit of Mrs. Stanbury and Priscilla, Hugh's name had been purposely kept back. There had been no accidental omission. Dorothy, therefore, did not dare to mention it,--and yet it was essential for her happiness that he should be there. At the present moment Miss Stanbury's intense interest in the Stanbury wedding was somewhat mitigated by the excitement occasioned by Mr. Gibson's refusal to be married. Dorothy was so shocked that she could not bring herself to believe the statement that had reached them through Martha. "Of course he was engaged to her. We all knew that," said Miss Stanbury. "I think there must have been some mistake," said Dorothy. "I don't see how he could do it." "There is no knowing what people can do, my dear, when they're hard driven. I suppose we shall have a lawsuit now, and he'll have to pay ever so much money. Well, well, well! see what a deal of trouble you might have saved!" "But he'd have done the same to me, aunt;--only, you know, I never could have taken him. Isn't it better as it is, aunt? Tell me." "I suppose young women always think it best when they can get their own ways. An old woman like me has only got to do what she is bid." "But this was best, aunt;--was it not?" "My dear, you've had your way, and let that be enough. Poor Camilla French is not allowed to have hers at all. Dear, dear, dear! I didn't think the man would ever have been such a fool to begin with;--or that he would ever have had the heart to get out of it afterwards." It astonished Dorothy to find that her aunt was not loud in reprobation of Mr. Gibson's very dreadful conduct. In the meantime Mrs. French had written to her brother at Gloucester. The maid-servant, in making Miss Camilla's bed, and in "putting the room to rights," as she called it,--which description probably was intended to cover the circumstances of an accurate search,--had discovered, hidden among some linen,--a carving knife! such a knife as is used for the cutting up of fowls; and, after two days' interval, had imparted the discovery to Mrs. French. Instant visit was made to the pantry, and it was found that a very aged but unbroken and sharply-pointed weapon was missing. Mrs. French at once accused Camilla, and Camilla, after some hesitation, admitted that it might be there. Molly, she said, was a nasty, sly, wicked thing, to go looking in her drawers, and she would never leave anything unlocked again. The knife, she declared, had been taken up-stairs, because she had wanted something very sharp to cut,--the bones of her stays. The knife was given up, but Mrs. French thought it best to write to her brother, Mr. Crump. She was in great doubt about sundry matters. Had the carving knife really pointed to a domestic tragedy;--and if so, what steps ought a poor widow to take with such a daughter? And what ought to be done about Mr. Gibson? It ran through Mrs. French's mind that unless something were done at once, Mr. Gibson would escape scot free. It was her wish that he should yet become her son-in-law. Poor Bella was entitled to her chance. But if Bella was to be disappointed,--from fear of carving knives, or for other reasons,--then there came the question whether Mr. Gibson should not be made to pay in purse for the mischief he had done. With all these thoughts and doubts running through her head, Mrs. French wrote to her brother at Gloucester. There came back an answer from Mr. Crump, in which that gentleman expressed a very strong idea that Mr. Gibson should be prosecuted for damages with the utmost virulence, and with the least possible delay. No compromise should be accepted. Mr. Crump would himself come to Exeter and see the lawyer as soon as he should be told that there was a lawyer to be seen. As to the carving knife, Mr. Crump was of opinion that it did not mean anything. Mr. Crump was a gentleman who did not believe in strong romance, but who had great trust in all pecuniary claims. The Frenches had always been genteel. The late Captain French had been an officer in the army, and at ordinary times and seasons the Frenches were rather ashamed of the Crump connection. But now the timber merchant might prove himself to be a useful friend. Mrs. French shewed her brother's letter to Bella,--and poor Bella was again sore-hearted, seeing that nothing was said in it of her claims. "It will be dreadful scandal to have it all in the papers!" said Bella. "But what can we do?" "Anything would be better than that," said Bella. "And you don't want to punish Mr. Gibson, mamma." "But, my dear, you see what your uncle says. What can I do, except go to him for advice?" "Why don't you go to Mr. Gibson yourself, mamma?" But nothing was said to Camilla about Mr. Crump;--nothing as yet. Camilla did not love Mr. Crump, but there was no other house except that of Mr. Crump's at Gloucester to which she might be sent, if it could be arranged that Mr. Gibson and Bella should be made one. Mrs. French took her eldest daughter's advice, and went to Mr. Gibson;--taking Mr. Crump's letter in her pocket. For herself she wanted nothing,--but was it not the duty of her whole life to fight for her daughters? Poor woman! If somebody would only have taught her how that duty might best be done, she would have endeavoured to obey the teaching. "You know I do not want to threaten you," she said to Mr. Gibson; "but you see what my brother says. Of course I wrote to my brother. What could a poor woman do in such circumstances except write to her brother?" "If you choose to set the bloodhounds of the law at me, of course you can," said Mr. Gibson. "I do not want to go to law at all;--God knows I do not!" said Mrs. French. Then there was a pause. "Poor dear Bella!" ejaculated Mrs. French. "Dear Bella!" echoed Mr. Gibson. "What do you mean to do about Bella?" asked Mrs. French. "I sometimes think that I had better take poison and have done with it!" said Mr. Gibson, feeling himself to be very hard pressed. CHAPTER LXXXIII. BELLA VICTRIX. Mr. Crump arrived at Exeter. Camilla was not told of his coming till the morning of the day on which he arrived; and then the tidings were communicated, because it was necessary that a change should be made in the bed-rooms. She and her sister had separate rooms when there was no visitor with them, but now Mr. Crump must be accommodated. There was a long consultation between Bella and Mrs. French, but at last it was decided that Bella should sleep with her mother. There would still be too much of the lioness about Camilla to allow of her being regarded as a safe companion through the watches of the night. "Why is Uncle Jonas coming now?" she asked. "I thought it better to ask him," said Mrs. French. After a long pause, Camilla asked another question. "Does Uncle Jonas mean to see Mr. Gibson?" "I suppose he will," said Mrs. French. "Then he will see a low, mean fellow;--the lowest, meanest fellow that ever was heard of! But that won't make much difference to Uncle Jonas. I wouldn't have him now, if he was to ask me ever so;--that I wouldn't!" Mr. Crump came, and kissed his sister and two nieces. The embrace with Camilla was not very affectionate. "So your Joe has been and jilted you?" said Uncle Jonas;--"it's like one of them clergymen. They say so many prayers, they think they may do almost anything afterwards. Another man would have had his head punched." "The less talk there is about it the better," said Camilla. On the following day Mr. Crump called by appointment on Mr. Gibson, and remained closeted with that gentleman for the greater portion of the morning. Camilla knew well that he was going, and went about the house like a perturbed spirit during his absence. There was a look about her that made them all doubt whether she was not, in truth, losing her mind. Her mother more than once went to the pantry to see that the knives were right; and, as regarded that sharp-pointed weapon, was careful to lock it up carefully out of her daughter's way. Mr. Crump had declared himself willing to take Camilla back to Gloucester, and had laughed at the obstacles which his niece might, perhaps, throw in the way of such an arrangement. "She mustn't have much luggage;--that is all," said Mr. Crump. For Mr. Crump had been made aware of the circumstances of the trousseau. About three o'clock Mr. Crump came back from Mr. Gibson's, and expressed a desire to be left alone with Camilla. Mrs. French was prepared for everything; and Mr. Crump soon found himself with his younger niece. "Camilla, my dear," said he, "this has been a bad business." "I don't know what business you mean, Uncle Jonas." "Yes, you do, my dear;--you know. And I hope it won't come too late to prove to you that young women shouldn't be too keen in setting their caps at the gentlemen. It's better for them to be hunted, than to hunt." "Uncle Jonas, I will not be insulted." "Stick to that, my dear, and you won't get into a scrape again. Now, look here. This man can never be made to marry you, anyhow." "I wouldn't touch him with a pair of tongs, if he were kneeling at my feet!" "That's right; stick to that. Of course, you wouldn't now, after all that has come and gone. No girl with any spirit would." "He's a coward and a thief, and he'll be--damned for what he has done, some of these days!" "T-ch, t-ch, t-ch! That isn't a proper way for a young lady to talk. That's cursing and swearing." "It isn't cursing and swearing;--it's what the Bible says." "Then we'll leave him to the Bible. In the meantime, Mr. Gibson wants to marry some one else, and that can't hurt you." "He may marry whom he likes;--but he shan't marry Bella--that's all!" "It is Bella that he means to marry." "Then he won't. I'll forbid the banns. I'll write to the bishop. I'll go to the church and prevent its being done. I'll make such a noise in the town that it can't be done. It's no use your looking at me like that, Uncle Jonas. I've got my own feelings, and he shall never marry Bella. It's what they have been intending all through, and it shan't be done!" "It will be done." "Uncle Jonas, I'll stab her to the heart, and him too, before I'll see it done! Though I were to be killed the next day, I would. Could you bear it?" "I'm not a young woman. Now, I'll tell you what I want you to do." "I'll not do anything." "Just pack up your things, and start with me to Gloucester to-morrow." "I--won't!" "Then you'll be carried, my dear. I'll write to your aunt, to say that you're coming; and we'll be as jolly as possible when we get you home." "I won't go to Gloucester, Uncle Jonas. I won't go away from Exeter. I won't let it be done. She shall never, never, never be that man's wife!" Nevertheless, on the day but one after this, Camilla French did go to Gloucester. Before she went, however, things had to be done in that house which almost made Mrs. French repent that she had sent for so stern an assistant. Camilla was at last told, in so many words, that the things which she had prepared for her own wedding must be given up for the wedding of her sister; and it seemed that this item in the list of her sorrows troubled her

lord

How many times the word 'lord' appears in the text?

As he said this, he heard a step behind them, and turning round saw Wallachia there almost before he could drop his arm. "I am sorry that I have intruded on you," she said very grimly. "Not in the least," said Mr. Glascock. "Caroline and I have had a little dispute, but we have settled it without coming to blows." "I do not suppose that an English gentleman ever absolutely strikes a lady," said Wallachia Petrie. "Not except on strong provocation," said Mr. Glascock. "In reference to wives, a stick is allowed as big as your thumb." "I have heard that it is so by the laws of England," said Wallachia. "How can you be so ridiculous, Wally!" said Caroline. "There is nothing that you would not believe." "I hope that it may never be true in your case," said Wallachia. A couple of days after this Miss Spalding found that it was absolutely necessary that she should explain the circumstances of her position to Nora. She had left Nora with the purpose of performing a very high-minded action, of sacrificing herself for the sake of her lover, of giving up all her golden prospects, and of becoming once again the bosom friend of Wallachia Petrie, with this simple consolation for her future life,--that she had refused to marry an English nobleman because the English nobleman's condition was unsuited to her. It would have been an episode in female life in which pride might be taken;--but all that was now changed. She had made her little attempt,--had made it, as she felt, in a very languid manner, and had found herself treated as a child for doing so. Of course she was happy in her ill success; of course she would have been broken-hearted had she succeeded. But, nevertheless, she was somewhat lowered in her own esteem, and it was necessary that she should acknowledge the truth to the friend whom she had consulted. A day or two had passed before she found herself alone with Nora, but when she did so she confessed her failure at once. "You told him all, then?" said Nora. "Oh yes, I told him all. That is, I could not really tell him. When the moment came I had no words." "And what did he say?" "He had words enough. I never knew him to be eloquent before." "He can speak out if he likes," said Nora. "So I have found,--with a vengeance. Nobody was ever so put down as I was. Don't you know that there are times when it does not seem to be worth your while to put out your strength against an adversary? So it was with him. He just told me that he was my master, and that I was to do as he bade me." "And what did you say?" "I promised to be a good girl," said Caroline, "and not to pretend to have any opinion of my own ever again. And so we kissed, and were friends." "I dare say there was a kiss, my dear." "Of course there was;--and he held me in his arms, and comforted me, and told me how to behave;--just as you would do a little girl. It's all over now, of course; and if there be a mistake, it is his fault. I feel that all responsibility is gone from myself, and that for all the rest of my life I have to do just what he tells me." "And what says the divine Wallachia?" "Poor Wally! She says nothing, but she thinks that I am a castaway and a recreant. I am a recreant, I know;--but yet I think that I was right. I know I could not help myself." "Of course you were right, my dear," said the sage Nora. "If you had the notion in your head, it was wise to get rid of it; but I knew how it would be when you spoke to him." "You were not so weak when he came to you." "That was altogether another thing. It was not arranged in heaven that I was to become his captive." After that Wallachia Petrie never again tried her influence on her former friend, but admitted to herself that the evil was done, and that it could not be remedied. According to her theory of life, Caroline Spalding had been wrong, and weak,--had shewn herself to be comfort-loving and luxuriously-minded, had looked to get her happiness from soft effeminate pleasures rather than from rational work and the useful, independent exercise of her own intelligence. In the privacy of her little chamber Wallachia Petrie shed,--not absolute tears,--but many tearful thoughts over her friend. It was to her a thing very terrible that the chosen one of her heart should prefer the career of an English lord's wife to that of an American citizeness, with all manner of capability for female voting, female speech-making, female poetising, and, perhaps, female political action before her. It was a thousand pities! "You may take a horse to water,"--said Wallachia to herself, thinking of the ever-freshly springing fountain of her own mind, at which Caroline Spalding would always have been made welcome freely to quench her thirst,--"but you cannot make him drink if he be not athirst." In the future she would have no friend. Never again would she subject herself to the disgrace of such a failure. But the sacrifice was to be made, and she knew that it was bootless to waste her words further on Caroline Spalding. She left Florence before the wedding, and returned alone to the land of liberty. She wrote a letter to Caroline explaining her conduct, and Caroline Spalding shewed the letter to her husband,--as one that was both loving and eloquent. "Very loving and very eloquent," he said. "But, nevertheless, one does think of sour grapes." "There I am sure you wrong her," said Caroline. CHAPTER LXXXII. MRS. FRENCH'S CARVING KNIFE. During these days there were terrible doings at Exeter. Camilla had sworn that if Mr. Gibson did not come to, there should be a tragedy, and it appeared that she was inclined to keep her word. Immediately after the receipt of her letter from Mr. Gibson she had had an interview with that gentleman in his lodgings, and had asked him his intentions. He had taken measures to fortify himself against such an attack; but, whatever those measures were, Camilla had broken through them. She had stood before him as he sat in his arm-chair, and he had been dumb in her presence. It had perhaps been well for him that the eloquence of her indignation had been so great that she had hardly been able to pause a moment for a reply. "Will you take your letter back again?" she had said. "I should be wrong to do that," he had lisped out in reply, "because it is true. As a Christian minister I could not stand with you at the altar with a lie in my mouth." In no other way did he attempt to excuse himself,--but that, twice repeated, filled up all the pause which she made for him. [Illustration: Camilla's wrath.] There never had been such a case before,--so impudent, so cruel, so gross, so uncalled for, so unmanly, so unnecessary, so unjustifiable, so damnable,--so sure of eternal condemnation! All this she said to him with loud voice, and clenched fist, and starting eyes,--regardless utterly of any listeners on the stairs, or of outside passers in the street. In very truth she was moved to a sublimity of indignation. Her low nature became nearly poetic under the wrong inflicted upon her. She was almost tempted to tear him with her hands, and inflict upon him at the moment some terrible vengeance which should be told of for ever in the annals of Exeter. A man so mean as he, so weak, so cowardly, one so little of a hero;--that he should dare to do it, and dare to sit there before her, and to say that he would do it! "Your gown shall be torn off your back, sir, and the very boys of Exeter shall drag you through the gutters!" To this threat he said nothing, but sat mute, hiding his face in his hands. "And now tell me this, sir;--is there anything between you and Bella?" But there was no voice in reply. "Answer my question, sir. I have a right to ask it." Still he said not a word. "Listen to me. Sooner than that you and she should be man and wife, I would stab her! Yes, I would;--you poor, paltry, lying, cowardly creature!" She remained with him for more than half an hour, and then banged out of the room flashing back a look of scorn at him as she went. Martha, before that day was over, had learned the whole story from Mr. Gibson's cook, and had told her mistress. "I did not think he had so much spirit in him," was Miss Stanbury's answer. Throughout Exeter the great wonder arising from the crisis was the amount of spirit which had been displayed by Mr. Gibson. When he was left alone he shook himself, and began to think that if there were danger that such interviews might occur frequently he had better leave Exeter for good. As he put his hand over his forehead, he declared to himself that a very little more of that kind of thing would kill him. When a couple of hours had passed over his head he shook himself again, and sat down and wrote a letter to his intended mother-in-law. I do not mean to complain [he said], God knows I have no right; but I cannot stand a repetition of what has occurred just now. If your younger daughter comes to see me again I must refuse to see her, and shall leave the town. I am ready to make what reparation may be possible for the mistake into which I have fallen. T. G. Mrs. French was no doubt much afraid of her younger daughter, but she was less afraid of her than were other people. Familiarity, they say, breeds contempt; and who can be so familiar with a child as its parent? She did not in her heart believe that Camilla would murder anybody, and she fully realised the conviction that, even after all that was come and gone, it would be better that one of her daughters should have a husband than that neither should be so blessed. If only Camilla could be got out of Exeter for a few months,--how good a thing it would be for them all! She had a brother in Gloucester,--if only he could be got to take Camilla for a few months! And then, too, she knew that if the true rights of her two daughters were strictly and impartially examined, Arabella's claim was much stronger than any that Camilla could put forward to the hand of Mr. Gibson. "You must not go there again, Camilla," the mother said. "I shall go whenever I please," replied the fury. "Now, Camilla, we may as well understand each other. I will not have it done. If I am provoked, I will send to your uncle at Gloucester." Now the uncle at Gloucester was a timber merchant, a man with protuberant eyes and a great square chin,--known to be a very stern man indeed, and not at all afraid of young women. "What do I care for my uncle? My uncle would take my part." "No, he would not. The truth is, Camilla, you interfered with Bella first." "Mamma, how dare you say so!" "You did, my dear. And these are the consequences." "And you mean to say that she is to be Mrs. Gibson?" "I say nothing about that. But I do not see why they shouldn't be married if their hearts are inclined to each other." "I will die first!" "Your dying has nothing to do with it, Camilla." "And I will kill her!" "If you speak to me again in that way I will write to your uncle at Gloucester. I have done the best I could for you both, and I will not bear such treatment." "And how am I treated?" "You should not have interfered with your sister." "You are all in a conspiracy together," shouted Camilla, "you are! There never was anybody so badly treated,--never,--never,--never! What will everybody say of me?" "They will pity you, if you will be quiet." "I don't want to be pitied;--I won't be pitied. I wish I could die,--and I will die! Anybody else would, at any rate, have had their mother and sister with them!" Then she burst into a flood of real, true, womanly tears. After this there was a lull at Heavitree for a few days. Camilla did not speak to her sister, but she condescended to hold some intercourse with her mother, and to take her meals at the family table. She did not go out of the house, but she employed herself in her own room, doing no one knew what, with all that new clothing and household gear which was to have been transferred in her train to Mr. Gibson's house. Mrs. French was somewhat uneasy about the new clothing and household gear, feeling that, in the event of Bella's marriage, at least a considerable portion of it must be transferred to the new bride. But it was impossible at the present moment to open such a subject to Camilla;--it would have been as a proposition to a lioness respecting the taking away of her whelps. Nevertheless, the day must soon come in which something must be said about the clothing and household gear. All the property that had been sent into the house at Camilla's orders could not be allowed to remain as Camilla's perquisites, now that Camilla was not to be married. "Do you know what she is doing, my dear?" said Mrs. French to her elder daughter. "Perhaps she is picking out the marks," said Bella. "I don't think she would do that as yet," said Mrs. French. "She might just as well leave it alone," said Bella, feeling that one of the two letters would do for her. But neither of them dared to speak to her of her occupation in these first days of her despair. Mr. Gibson in the meantime remained at home, or only left his house to go to the Cathedral or to visit the narrow confines of his little parish. When he was out he felt that everybody looked at him, and it seemed to him that people whispered about him when they saw him at his usual desk in the choir. His friends passed him merely bowing to him, and he was aware that he had done that which would be regarded by every one around him as unpardonable. And yet,--what ought he to have done? He acknowledged to himself that he had been very foolish, mad,--quite demented at the moment,--when he allowed himself to think it possible that he should marry Camilla French. But having found out how mad he had been at that moment, having satisfied himself that to live with her as his wife would be impossible, was he not right to break the engagement? Could anything be so wicked as marrying a woman whom he--hated? Thus he tried to excuse himself; but yet he knew that all the world would condemn him. Life in Exeter would be impossible, if no way to social pardon could be opened for him. He was willing to do anything within bounds in mitigation of his offence. He would give up fifty pounds a year to Camilla for his life,--or he would marry Bella. Yes; he would marry Bella at once,--if Camilla would only consent, and give up that idea of stabbing some one. Bella French was not very nice in his eyes; but she was quiet, he thought, and it might be possible to live with her. Nevertheless, he told himself over and over again that the manner in which unmarried men with incomes were set upon by ladies in want of husbands was very disgraceful to the country at large. That mission to Natal which had once been offered to him would have had charms for him now, of which he had not recognised the force when he rejected it. "Do you think that he ever was really engaged to her?" Dorothy said to her aunt. Dorothy was now living in a seventh heaven of happiness, writing love-letters to Brooke Burgess every other day, and devoting to this occupation a number of hours of which she ought to have been ashamed; making her purchases for her wedding,--with nothing, however, of the magnificence of a Camilla,--but discussing everything with her aunt, who urged her on to extravagances which seemed beyond the scope of her own economical ideas; settling, or trying to settle, little difficulties which perplexed her somewhat, and wondering at her own career. She could not of course be married without the presence of her mother and sister, and her aunt,--with something of a grim courtesy,--had intimated that they should be made welcome to the house in the Close for the special occasion. But nothing had been said about Hugh. The wedding was to be in the Cathedral, and Dorothy had a little scheme in her head for meeting her brother among the aisles. He would no doubt come down with Brooke, and nothing perhaps need be said about it to Aunt Stanbury. But still it was a trouble. Her aunt had been so good that Dorothy felt that no step should be taken which would vex the old woman. It was evident enough that when permission had been given for the visit of Mrs. Stanbury and Priscilla, Hugh's name had been purposely kept back. There had been no accidental omission. Dorothy, therefore, did not dare to mention it,--and yet it was essential for her happiness that he should be there. At the present moment Miss Stanbury's intense interest in the Stanbury wedding was somewhat mitigated by the excitement occasioned by Mr. Gibson's refusal to be married. Dorothy was so shocked that she could not bring herself to believe the statement that had reached them through Martha. "Of course he was engaged to her. We all knew that," said Miss Stanbury. "I think there must have been some mistake," said Dorothy. "I don't see how he could do it." "There is no knowing what people can do, my dear, when they're hard driven. I suppose we shall have a lawsuit now, and he'll have to pay ever so much money. Well, well, well! see what a deal of trouble you might have saved!" "But he'd have done the same to me, aunt;--only, you know, I never could have taken him. Isn't it better as it is, aunt? Tell me." "I suppose young women always think it best when they can get their own ways. An old woman like me has only got to do what she is bid." "But this was best, aunt;--was it not?" "My dear, you've had your way, and let that be enough. Poor Camilla French is not allowed to have hers at all. Dear, dear, dear! I didn't think the man would ever have been such a fool to begin with;--or that he would ever have had the heart to get out of it afterwards." It astonished Dorothy to find that her aunt was not loud in reprobation of Mr. Gibson's very dreadful conduct. In the meantime Mrs. French had written to her brother at Gloucester. The maid-servant, in making Miss Camilla's bed, and in "putting the room to rights," as she called it,--which description probably was intended to cover the circumstances of an accurate search,--had discovered, hidden among some linen,--a carving knife! such a knife as is used for the cutting up of fowls; and, after two days' interval, had imparted the discovery to Mrs. French. Instant visit was made to the pantry, and it was found that a very aged but unbroken and sharply-pointed weapon was missing. Mrs. French at once accused Camilla, and Camilla, after some hesitation, admitted that it might be there. Molly, she said, was a nasty, sly, wicked thing, to go looking in her drawers, and she would never leave anything unlocked again. The knife, she declared, had been taken up-stairs, because she had wanted something very sharp to cut,--the bones of her stays. The knife was given up, but Mrs. French thought it best to write to her brother, Mr. Crump. She was in great doubt about sundry matters. Had the carving knife really pointed to a domestic tragedy;--and if so, what steps ought a poor widow to take with such a daughter? And what ought to be done about Mr. Gibson? It ran through Mrs. French's mind that unless something were done at once, Mr. Gibson would escape scot free. It was her wish that he should yet become her son-in-law. Poor Bella was entitled to her chance. But if Bella was to be disappointed,--from fear of carving knives, or for other reasons,--then there came the question whether Mr. Gibson should not be made to pay in purse for the mischief he had done. With all these thoughts and doubts running through her head, Mrs. French wrote to her brother at Gloucester. There came back an answer from Mr. Crump, in which that gentleman expressed a very strong idea that Mr. Gibson should be prosecuted for damages with the utmost virulence, and with the least possible delay. No compromise should be accepted. Mr. Crump would himself come to Exeter and see the lawyer as soon as he should be told that there was a lawyer to be seen. As to the carving knife, Mr. Crump was of opinion that it did not mean anything. Mr. Crump was a gentleman who did not believe in strong romance, but who had great trust in all pecuniary claims. The Frenches had always been genteel. The late Captain French had been an officer in the army, and at ordinary times and seasons the Frenches were rather ashamed of the Crump connection. But now the timber merchant might prove himself to be a useful friend. Mrs. French shewed her brother's letter to Bella,--and poor Bella was again sore-hearted, seeing that nothing was said in it of her claims. "It will be dreadful scandal to have it all in the papers!" said Bella. "But what can we do?" "Anything would be better than that," said Bella. "And you don't want to punish Mr. Gibson, mamma." "But, my dear, you see what your uncle says. What can I do, except go to him for advice?" "Why don't you go to Mr. Gibson yourself, mamma?" But nothing was said to Camilla about Mr. Crump;--nothing as yet. Camilla did not love Mr. Crump, but there was no other house except that of Mr. Crump's at Gloucester to which she might be sent, if it could be arranged that Mr. Gibson and Bella should be made one. Mrs. French took her eldest daughter's advice, and went to Mr. Gibson;--taking Mr. Crump's letter in her pocket. For herself she wanted nothing,--but was it not the duty of her whole life to fight for her daughters? Poor woman! If somebody would only have taught her how that duty might best be done, she would have endeavoured to obey the teaching. "You know I do not want to threaten you," she said to Mr. Gibson; "but you see what my brother says. Of course I wrote to my brother. What could a poor woman do in such circumstances except write to her brother?" "If you choose to set the bloodhounds of the law at me, of course you can," said Mr. Gibson. "I do not want to go to law at all;--God knows I do not!" said Mrs. French. Then there was a pause. "Poor dear Bella!" ejaculated Mrs. French. "Dear Bella!" echoed Mr. Gibson. "What do you mean to do about Bella?" asked Mrs. French. "I sometimes think that I had better take poison and have done with it!" said Mr. Gibson, feeling himself to be very hard pressed. CHAPTER LXXXIII. BELLA VICTRIX. Mr. Crump arrived at Exeter. Camilla was not told of his coming till the morning of the day on which he arrived; and then the tidings were communicated, because it was necessary that a change should be made in the bed-rooms. She and her sister had separate rooms when there was no visitor with them, but now Mr. Crump must be accommodated. There was a long consultation between Bella and Mrs. French, but at last it was decided that Bella should sleep with her mother. There would still be too much of the lioness about Camilla to allow of her being regarded as a safe companion through the watches of the night. "Why is Uncle Jonas coming now?" she asked. "I thought it better to ask him," said Mrs. French. After a long pause, Camilla asked another question. "Does Uncle Jonas mean to see Mr. Gibson?" "I suppose he will," said Mrs. French. "Then he will see a low, mean fellow;--the lowest, meanest fellow that ever was heard of! But that won't make much difference to Uncle Jonas. I wouldn't have him now, if he was to ask me ever so;--that I wouldn't!" Mr. Crump came, and kissed his sister and two nieces. The embrace with Camilla was not very affectionate. "So your Joe has been and jilted you?" said Uncle Jonas;--"it's like one of them clergymen. They say so many prayers, they think they may do almost anything afterwards. Another man would have had his head punched." "The less talk there is about it the better," said Camilla. On the following day Mr. Crump called by appointment on Mr. Gibson, and remained closeted with that gentleman for the greater portion of the morning. Camilla knew well that he was going, and went about the house like a perturbed spirit during his absence. There was a look about her that made them all doubt whether she was not, in truth, losing her mind. Her mother more than once went to the pantry to see that the knives were right; and, as regarded that sharp-pointed weapon, was careful to lock it up carefully out of her daughter's way. Mr. Crump had declared himself willing to take Camilla back to Gloucester, and had laughed at the obstacles which his niece might, perhaps, throw in the way of such an arrangement. "She mustn't have much luggage;--that is all," said Mr. Crump. For Mr. Crump had been made aware of the circumstances of the trousseau. About three o'clock Mr. Crump came back from Mr. Gibson's, and expressed a desire to be left alone with Camilla. Mrs. French was prepared for everything; and Mr. Crump soon found himself with his younger niece. "Camilla, my dear," said he, "this has been a bad business." "I don't know what business you mean, Uncle Jonas." "Yes, you do, my dear;--you know. And I hope it won't come too late to prove to you that young women shouldn't be too keen in setting their caps at the gentlemen. It's better for them to be hunted, than to hunt." "Uncle Jonas, I will not be insulted." "Stick to that, my dear, and you won't get into a scrape again. Now, look here. This man can never be made to marry you, anyhow." "I wouldn't touch him with a pair of tongs, if he were kneeling at my feet!" "That's right; stick to that. Of course, you wouldn't now, after all that has come and gone. No girl with any spirit would." "He's a coward and a thief, and he'll be--damned for what he has done, some of these days!" "T-ch, t-ch, t-ch! That isn't a proper way for a young lady to talk. That's cursing and swearing." "It isn't cursing and swearing;--it's what the Bible says." "Then we'll leave him to the Bible. In the meantime, Mr. Gibson wants to marry some one else, and that can't hurt you." "He may marry whom he likes;--but he shan't marry Bella--that's all!" "It is Bella that he means to marry." "Then he won't. I'll forbid the banns. I'll write to the bishop. I'll go to the church and prevent its being done. I'll make such a noise in the town that it can't be done. It's no use your looking at me like that, Uncle Jonas. I've got my own feelings, and he shall never marry Bella. It's what they have been intending all through, and it shan't be done!" "It will be done." "Uncle Jonas, I'll stab her to the heart, and him too, before I'll see it done! Though I were to be killed the next day, I would. Could you bear it?" "I'm not a young woman. Now, I'll tell you what I want you to do." "I'll not do anything." "Just pack up your things, and start with me to Gloucester to-morrow." "I--won't!" "Then you'll be carried, my dear. I'll write to your aunt, to say that you're coming; and we'll be as jolly as possible when we get you home." "I won't go to Gloucester, Uncle Jonas. I won't go away from Exeter. I won't let it be done. She shall never, never, never be that man's wife!" Nevertheless, on the day but one after this, Camilla French did go to Gloucester. Before she went, however, things had to be done in that house which almost made Mrs. French repent that she had sent for so stern an assistant. Camilla was at last told, in so many words, that the things which she had prepared for her own wedding must be given up for the wedding of her sister; and it seemed that this item in the list of her sorrows troubled her

every

How many times the word 'every' appears in the text?

As he said this, he heard a step behind them, and turning round saw Wallachia there almost before he could drop his arm. "I am sorry that I have intruded on you," she said very grimly. "Not in the least," said Mr. Glascock. "Caroline and I have had a little dispute, but we have settled it without coming to blows." "I do not suppose that an English gentleman ever absolutely strikes a lady," said Wallachia Petrie. "Not except on strong provocation," said Mr. Glascock. "In reference to wives, a stick is allowed as big as your thumb." "I have heard that it is so by the laws of England," said Wallachia. "How can you be so ridiculous, Wally!" said Caroline. "There is nothing that you would not believe." "I hope that it may never be true in your case," said Wallachia. A couple of days after this Miss Spalding found that it was absolutely necessary that she should explain the circumstances of her position to Nora. She had left Nora with the purpose of performing a very high-minded action, of sacrificing herself for the sake of her lover, of giving up all her golden prospects, and of becoming once again the bosom friend of Wallachia Petrie, with this simple consolation for her future life,--that she had refused to marry an English nobleman because the English nobleman's condition was unsuited to her. It would have been an episode in female life in which pride might be taken;--but all that was now changed. She had made her little attempt,--had made it, as she felt, in a very languid manner, and had found herself treated as a child for doing so. Of course she was happy in her ill success; of course she would have been broken-hearted had she succeeded. But, nevertheless, she was somewhat lowered in her own esteem, and it was necessary that she should acknowledge the truth to the friend whom she had consulted. A day or two had passed before she found herself alone with Nora, but when she did so she confessed her failure at once. "You told him all, then?" said Nora. "Oh yes, I told him all. That is, I could not really tell him. When the moment came I had no words." "And what did he say?" "He had words enough. I never knew him to be eloquent before." "He can speak out if he likes," said Nora. "So I have found,--with a vengeance. Nobody was ever so put down as I was. Don't you know that there are times when it does not seem to be worth your while to put out your strength against an adversary? So it was with him. He just told me that he was my master, and that I was to do as he bade me." "And what did you say?" "I promised to be a good girl," said Caroline, "and not to pretend to have any opinion of my own ever again. And so we kissed, and were friends." "I dare say there was a kiss, my dear." "Of course there was;--and he held me in his arms, and comforted me, and told me how to behave;--just as you would do a little girl. It's all over now, of course; and if there be a mistake, it is his fault. I feel that all responsibility is gone from myself, and that for all the rest of my life I have to do just what he tells me." "And what says the divine Wallachia?" "Poor Wally! She says nothing, but she thinks that I am a castaway and a recreant. I am a recreant, I know;--but yet I think that I was right. I know I could not help myself." "Of course you were right, my dear," said the sage Nora. "If you had the notion in your head, it was wise to get rid of it; but I knew how it would be when you spoke to him." "You were not so weak when he came to you." "That was altogether another thing. It was not arranged in heaven that I was to become his captive." After that Wallachia Petrie never again tried her influence on her former friend, but admitted to herself that the evil was done, and that it could not be remedied. According to her theory of life, Caroline Spalding had been wrong, and weak,--had shewn herself to be comfort-loving and luxuriously-minded, had looked to get her happiness from soft effeminate pleasures rather than from rational work and the useful, independent exercise of her own intelligence. In the privacy of her little chamber Wallachia Petrie shed,--not absolute tears,--but many tearful thoughts over her friend. It was to her a thing very terrible that the chosen one of her heart should prefer the career of an English lord's wife to that of an American citizeness, with all manner of capability for female voting, female speech-making, female poetising, and, perhaps, female political action before her. It was a thousand pities! "You may take a horse to water,"--said Wallachia to herself, thinking of the ever-freshly springing fountain of her own mind, at which Caroline Spalding would always have been made welcome freely to quench her thirst,--"but you cannot make him drink if he be not athirst." In the future she would have no friend. Never again would she subject herself to the disgrace of such a failure. But the sacrifice was to be made, and she knew that it was bootless to waste her words further on Caroline Spalding. She left Florence before the wedding, and returned alone to the land of liberty. She wrote a letter to Caroline explaining her conduct, and Caroline Spalding shewed the letter to her husband,--as one that was both loving and eloquent. "Very loving and very eloquent," he said. "But, nevertheless, one does think of sour grapes." "There I am sure you wrong her," said Caroline. CHAPTER LXXXII. MRS. FRENCH'S CARVING KNIFE. During these days there were terrible doings at Exeter. Camilla had sworn that if Mr. Gibson did not come to, there should be a tragedy, and it appeared that she was inclined to keep her word. Immediately after the receipt of her letter from Mr. Gibson she had had an interview with that gentleman in his lodgings, and had asked him his intentions. He had taken measures to fortify himself against such an attack; but, whatever those measures were, Camilla had broken through them. She had stood before him as he sat in his arm-chair, and he had been dumb in her presence. It had perhaps been well for him that the eloquence of her indignation had been so great that she had hardly been able to pause a moment for a reply. "Will you take your letter back again?" she had said. "I should be wrong to do that," he had lisped out in reply, "because it is true. As a Christian minister I could not stand with you at the altar with a lie in my mouth." In no other way did he attempt to excuse himself,--but that, twice repeated, filled up all the pause which she made for him. [Illustration: Camilla's wrath.] There never had been such a case before,--so impudent, so cruel, so gross, so uncalled for, so unmanly, so unnecessary, so unjustifiable, so damnable,--so sure of eternal condemnation! All this she said to him with loud voice, and clenched fist, and starting eyes,--regardless utterly of any listeners on the stairs, or of outside passers in the street. In very truth she was moved to a sublimity of indignation. Her low nature became nearly poetic under the wrong inflicted upon her. She was almost tempted to tear him with her hands, and inflict upon him at the moment some terrible vengeance which should be told of for ever in the annals of Exeter. A man so mean as he, so weak, so cowardly, one so little of a hero;--that he should dare to do it, and dare to sit there before her, and to say that he would do it! "Your gown shall be torn off your back, sir, and the very boys of Exeter shall drag you through the gutters!" To this threat he said nothing, but sat mute, hiding his face in his hands. "And now tell me this, sir;--is there anything between you and Bella?" But there was no voice in reply. "Answer my question, sir. I have a right to ask it." Still he said not a word. "Listen to me. Sooner than that you and she should be man and wife, I would stab her! Yes, I would;--you poor, paltry, lying, cowardly creature!" She remained with him for more than half an hour, and then banged out of the room flashing back a look of scorn at him as she went. Martha, before that day was over, had learned the whole story from Mr. Gibson's cook, and had told her mistress. "I did not think he had so much spirit in him," was Miss Stanbury's answer. Throughout Exeter the great wonder arising from the crisis was the amount of spirit which had been displayed by Mr. Gibson. When he was left alone he shook himself, and began to think that if there were danger that such interviews might occur frequently he had better leave Exeter for good. As he put his hand over his forehead, he declared to himself that a very little more of that kind of thing would kill him. When a couple of hours had passed over his head he shook himself again, and sat down and wrote a letter to his intended mother-in-law. I do not mean to complain [he said], God knows I have no right; but I cannot stand a repetition of what has occurred just now. If your younger daughter comes to see me again I must refuse to see her, and shall leave the town. I am ready to make what reparation may be possible for the mistake into which I have fallen. T. G. Mrs. French was no doubt much afraid of her younger daughter, but she was less afraid of her than were other people. Familiarity, they say, breeds contempt; and who can be so familiar with a child as its parent? She did not in her heart believe that Camilla would murder anybody, and she fully realised the conviction that, even after all that was come and gone, it would be better that one of her daughters should have a husband than that neither should be so blessed. If only Camilla could be got out of Exeter for a few months,--how good a thing it would be for them all! She had a brother in Gloucester,--if only he could be got to take Camilla for a few months! And then, too, she knew that if the true rights of her two daughters were strictly and impartially examined, Arabella's claim was much stronger than any that Camilla could put forward to the hand of Mr. Gibson. "You must not go there again, Camilla," the mother said. "I shall go whenever I please," replied the fury. "Now, Camilla, we may as well understand each other. I will not have it done. If I am provoked, I will send to your uncle at Gloucester." Now the uncle at Gloucester was a timber merchant, a man with protuberant eyes and a great square chin,--known to be a very stern man indeed, and not at all afraid of young women. "What do I care for my uncle? My uncle would take my part." "No, he would not. The truth is, Camilla, you interfered with Bella first." "Mamma, how dare you say so!" "You did, my dear. And these are the consequences." "And you mean to say that she is to be Mrs. Gibson?" "I say nothing about that. But I do not see why they shouldn't be married if their hearts are inclined to each other." "I will die first!" "Your dying has nothing to do with it, Camilla." "And I will kill her!" "If you speak to me again in that way I will write to your uncle at Gloucester. I have done the best I could for you both, and I will not bear such treatment." "And how am I treated?" "You should not have interfered with your sister." "You are all in a conspiracy together," shouted Camilla, "you are! There never was anybody so badly treated,--never,--never,--never! What will everybody say of me?" "They will pity you, if you will be quiet." "I don't want to be pitied;--I won't be pitied. I wish I could die,--and I will die! Anybody else would, at any rate, have had their mother and sister with them!" Then she burst into a flood of real, true, womanly tears. After this there was a lull at Heavitree for a few days. Camilla did not speak to her sister, but she condescended to hold some intercourse with her mother, and to take her meals at the family table. She did not go out of the house, but she employed herself in her own room, doing no one knew what, with all that new clothing and household gear which was to have been transferred in her train to Mr. Gibson's house. Mrs. French was somewhat uneasy about the new clothing and household gear, feeling that, in the event of Bella's marriage, at least a considerable portion of it must be transferred to the new bride. But it was impossible at the present moment to open such a subject to Camilla;--it would have been as a proposition to a lioness respecting the taking away of her whelps. Nevertheless, the day must soon come in which something must be said about the clothing and household gear. All the property that had been sent into the house at Camilla's orders could not be allowed to remain as Camilla's perquisites, now that Camilla was not to be married. "Do you know what she is doing, my dear?" said Mrs. French to her elder daughter. "Perhaps she is picking out the marks," said Bella. "I don't think she would do that as yet," said Mrs. French. "She might just as well leave it alone," said Bella, feeling that one of the two letters would do for her. But neither of them dared to speak to her of her occupation in these first days of her despair. Mr. Gibson in the meantime remained at home, or only left his house to go to the Cathedral or to visit the narrow confines of his little parish. When he was out he felt that everybody looked at him, and it seemed to him that people whispered about him when they saw him at his usual desk in the choir. His friends passed him merely bowing to him, and he was aware that he had done that which would be regarded by every one around him as unpardonable. And yet,--what ought he to have done? He acknowledged to himself that he had been very foolish, mad,--quite demented at the moment,--when he allowed himself to think it possible that he should marry Camilla French. But having found out how mad he had been at that moment, having satisfied himself that to live with her as his wife would be impossible, was he not right to break the engagement? Could anything be so wicked as marrying a woman whom he--hated? Thus he tried to excuse himself; but yet he knew that all the world would condemn him. Life in Exeter would be impossible, if no way to social pardon could be opened for him. He was willing to do anything within bounds in mitigation of his offence. He would give up fifty pounds a year to Camilla for his life,--or he would marry Bella. Yes; he would marry Bella at once,--if Camilla would only consent, and give up that idea of stabbing some one. Bella French was not very nice in his eyes; but she was quiet, he thought, and it might be possible to live with her. Nevertheless, he told himself over and over again that the manner in which unmarried men with incomes were set upon by ladies in want of husbands was very disgraceful to the country at large. That mission to Natal which had once been offered to him would have had charms for him now, of which he had not recognised the force when he rejected it. "Do you think that he ever was really engaged to her?" Dorothy said to her aunt. Dorothy was now living in a seventh heaven of happiness, writing love-letters to Brooke Burgess every other day, and devoting to this occupation a number of hours of which she ought to have been ashamed; making her purchases for her wedding,--with nothing, however, of the magnificence of a Camilla,--but discussing everything with her aunt, who urged her on to extravagances which seemed beyond the scope of her own economical ideas; settling, or trying to settle, little difficulties which perplexed her somewhat, and wondering at her own career. She could not of course be married without the presence of her mother and sister, and her aunt,--with something of a grim courtesy,--had intimated that they should be made welcome to the house in the Close for the special occasion. But nothing had been said about Hugh. The wedding was to be in the Cathedral, and Dorothy had a little scheme in her head for meeting her brother among the aisles. He would no doubt come down with Brooke, and nothing perhaps need be said about it to Aunt Stanbury. But still it was a trouble. Her aunt had been so good that Dorothy felt that no step should be taken which would vex the old woman. It was evident enough that when permission had been given for the visit of Mrs. Stanbury and Priscilla, Hugh's name had been purposely kept back. There had been no accidental omission. Dorothy, therefore, did not dare to mention it,--and yet it was essential for her happiness that he should be there. At the present moment Miss Stanbury's intense interest in the Stanbury wedding was somewhat mitigated by the excitement occasioned by Mr. Gibson's refusal to be married. Dorothy was so shocked that she could not bring herself to believe the statement that had reached them through Martha. "Of course he was engaged to her. We all knew that," said Miss Stanbury. "I think there must have been some mistake," said Dorothy. "I don't see how he could do it." "There is no knowing what people can do, my dear, when they're hard driven. I suppose we shall have a lawsuit now, and he'll have to pay ever so much money. Well, well, well! see what a deal of trouble you might have saved!" "But he'd have done the same to me, aunt;--only, you know, I never could have taken him. Isn't it better as it is, aunt? Tell me." "I suppose young women always think it best when they can get their own ways. An old woman like me has only got to do what she is bid." "But this was best, aunt;--was it not?" "My dear, you've had your way, and let that be enough. Poor Camilla French is not allowed to have hers at all. Dear, dear, dear! I didn't think the man would ever have been such a fool to begin with;--or that he would ever have had the heart to get out of it afterwards." It astonished Dorothy to find that her aunt was not loud in reprobation of Mr. Gibson's very dreadful conduct. In the meantime Mrs. French had written to her brother at Gloucester. The maid-servant, in making Miss Camilla's bed, and in "putting the room to rights," as she called it,--which description probably was intended to cover the circumstances of an accurate search,--had discovered, hidden among some linen,--a carving knife! such a knife as is used for the cutting up of fowls; and, after two days' interval, had imparted the discovery to Mrs. French. Instant visit was made to the pantry, and it was found that a very aged but unbroken and sharply-pointed weapon was missing. Mrs. French at once accused Camilla, and Camilla, after some hesitation, admitted that it might be there. Molly, she said, was a nasty, sly, wicked thing, to go looking in her drawers, and she would never leave anything unlocked again. The knife, she declared, had been taken up-stairs, because she had wanted something very sharp to cut,--the bones of her stays. The knife was given up, but Mrs. French thought it best to write to her brother, Mr. Crump. She was in great doubt about sundry matters. Had the carving knife really pointed to a domestic tragedy;--and if so, what steps ought a poor widow to take with such a daughter? And what ought to be done about Mr. Gibson? It ran through Mrs. French's mind that unless something were done at once, Mr. Gibson would escape scot free. It was her wish that he should yet become her son-in-law. Poor Bella was entitled to her chance. But if Bella was to be disappointed,--from fear of carving knives, or for other reasons,--then there came the question whether Mr. Gibson should not be made to pay in purse for the mischief he had done. With all these thoughts and doubts running through her head, Mrs. French wrote to her brother at Gloucester. There came back an answer from Mr. Crump, in which that gentleman expressed a very strong idea that Mr. Gibson should be prosecuted for damages with the utmost virulence, and with the least possible delay. No compromise should be accepted. Mr. Crump would himself come to Exeter and see the lawyer as soon as he should be told that there was a lawyer to be seen. As to the carving knife, Mr. Crump was of opinion that it did not mean anything. Mr. Crump was a gentleman who did not believe in strong romance, but who had great trust in all pecuniary claims. The Frenches had always been genteel. The late Captain French had been an officer in the army, and at ordinary times and seasons the Frenches were rather ashamed of the Crump connection. But now the timber merchant might prove himself to be a useful friend. Mrs. French shewed her brother's letter to Bella,--and poor Bella was again sore-hearted, seeing that nothing was said in it of her claims. "It will be dreadful scandal to have it all in the papers!" said Bella. "But what can we do?" "Anything would be better than that," said Bella. "And you don't want to punish Mr. Gibson, mamma." "But, my dear, you see what your uncle says. What can I do, except go to him for advice?" "Why don't you go to Mr. Gibson yourself, mamma?" But nothing was said to Camilla about Mr. Crump;--nothing as yet. Camilla did not love Mr. Crump, but there was no other house except that of Mr. Crump's at Gloucester to which she might be sent, if it could be arranged that Mr. Gibson and Bella should be made one. Mrs. French took her eldest daughter's advice, and went to Mr. Gibson;--taking Mr. Crump's letter in her pocket. For herself she wanted nothing,--but was it not the duty of her whole life to fight for her daughters? Poor woman! If somebody would only have taught her how that duty might best be done, she would have endeavoured to obey the teaching. "You know I do not want to threaten you," she said to Mr. Gibson; "but you see what my brother says. Of course I wrote to my brother. What could a poor woman do in such circumstances except write to her brother?" "If you choose to set the bloodhounds of the law at me, of course you can," said Mr. Gibson. "I do not want to go to law at all;--God knows I do not!" said Mrs. French. Then there was a pause. "Poor dear Bella!" ejaculated Mrs. French. "Dear Bella!" echoed Mr. Gibson. "What do you mean to do about Bella?" asked Mrs. French. "I sometimes think that I had better take poison and have done with it!" said Mr. Gibson, feeling himself to be very hard pressed. CHAPTER LXXXIII. BELLA VICTRIX. Mr. Crump arrived at Exeter. Camilla was not told of his coming till the morning of the day on which he arrived; and then the tidings were communicated, because it was necessary that a change should be made in the bed-rooms. She and her sister had separate rooms when there was no visitor with them, but now Mr. Crump must be accommodated. There was a long consultation between Bella and Mrs. French, but at last it was decided that Bella should sleep with her mother. There would still be too much of the lioness about Camilla to allow of her being regarded as a safe companion through the watches of the night. "Why is Uncle Jonas coming now?" she asked. "I thought it better to ask him," said Mrs. French. After a long pause, Camilla asked another question. "Does Uncle Jonas mean to see Mr. Gibson?" "I suppose he will," said Mrs. French. "Then he will see a low, mean fellow;--the lowest, meanest fellow that ever was heard of! But that won't make much difference to Uncle Jonas. I wouldn't have him now, if he was to ask me ever so;--that I wouldn't!" Mr. Crump came, and kissed his sister and two nieces. The embrace with Camilla was not very affectionate. "So your Joe has been and jilted you?" said Uncle Jonas;--"it's like one of them clergymen. They say so many prayers, they think they may do almost anything afterwards. Another man would have had his head punched." "The less talk there is about it the better," said Camilla. On the following day Mr. Crump called by appointment on Mr. Gibson, and remained closeted with that gentleman for the greater portion of the morning. Camilla knew well that he was going, and went about the house like a perturbed spirit during his absence. There was a look about her that made them all doubt whether she was not, in truth, losing her mind. Her mother more than once went to the pantry to see that the knives were right; and, as regarded that sharp-pointed weapon, was careful to lock it up carefully out of her daughter's way. Mr. Crump had declared himself willing to take Camilla back to Gloucester, and had laughed at the obstacles which his niece might, perhaps, throw in the way of such an arrangement. "She mustn't have much luggage;--that is all," said Mr. Crump. For Mr. Crump had been made aware of the circumstances of the trousseau. About three o'clock Mr. Crump came back from Mr. Gibson's, and expressed a desire to be left alone with Camilla. Mrs. French was prepared for everything; and Mr. Crump soon found himself with his younger niece. "Camilla, my dear," said he, "this has been a bad business." "I don't know what business you mean, Uncle Jonas." "Yes, you do, my dear;--you know. And I hope it won't come too late to prove to you that young women shouldn't be too keen in setting their caps at the gentlemen. It's better for them to be hunted, than to hunt." "Uncle Jonas, I will not be insulted." "Stick to that, my dear, and you won't get into a scrape again. Now, look here. This man can never be made to marry you, anyhow." "I wouldn't touch him with a pair of tongs, if he were kneeling at my feet!" "That's right; stick to that. Of course, you wouldn't now, after all that has come and gone. No girl with any spirit would." "He's a coward and a thief, and he'll be--damned for what he has done, some of these days!" "T-ch, t-ch, t-ch! That isn't a proper way for a young lady to talk. That's cursing and swearing." "It isn't cursing and swearing;--it's what the Bible says." "Then we'll leave him to the Bible. In the meantime, Mr. Gibson wants to marry some one else, and that can't hurt you." "He may marry whom he likes;--but he shan't marry Bella--that's all!" "It is Bella that he means to marry." "Then he won't. I'll forbid the banns. I'll write to the bishop. I'll go to the church and prevent its being done. I'll make such a noise in the town that it can't be done. It's no use your looking at me like that, Uncle Jonas. I've got my own feelings, and he shall never marry Bella. It's what they have been intending all through, and it shan't be done!" "It will be done." "Uncle Jonas, I'll stab her to the heart, and him too, before I'll see it done! Though I were to be killed the next day, I would. Could you bear it?" "I'm not a young woman. Now, I'll tell you what I want you to do." "I'll not do anything." "Just pack up your things, and start with me to Gloucester to-morrow." "I--won't!" "Then you'll be carried, my dear. I'll write to your aunt, to say that you're coming; and we'll be as jolly as possible when we get you home." "I won't go to Gloucester, Uncle Jonas. I won't go away from Exeter. I won't let it be done. She shall never, never, never be that man's wife!" Nevertheless, on the day but one after this, Camilla French did go to Gloucester. Before she went, however, things had to be done in that house which almost made Mrs. French repent that she had sent for so stern an assistant. Camilla was at last told, in so many words, that the things which she had prepared for her own wedding must be given up for the wedding of her sister; and it seemed that this item in the list of her sorrows troubled her

shotgun

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As he said this, he heard a step behind them, and turning round saw Wallachia there almost before he could drop his arm. "I am sorry that I have intruded on you," she said very grimly. "Not in the least," said Mr. Glascock. "Caroline and I have had a little dispute, but we have settled it without coming to blows." "I do not suppose that an English gentleman ever absolutely strikes a lady," said Wallachia Petrie. "Not except on strong provocation," said Mr. Glascock. "In reference to wives, a stick is allowed as big as your thumb." "I have heard that it is so by the laws of England," said Wallachia. "How can you be so ridiculous, Wally!" said Caroline. "There is nothing that you would not believe." "I hope that it may never be true in your case," said Wallachia. A couple of days after this Miss Spalding found that it was absolutely necessary that she should explain the circumstances of her position to Nora. She had left Nora with the purpose of performing a very high-minded action, of sacrificing herself for the sake of her lover, of giving up all her golden prospects, and of becoming once again the bosom friend of Wallachia Petrie, with this simple consolation for her future life,--that she had refused to marry an English nobleman because the English nobleman's condition was unsuited to her. It would have been an episode in female life in which pride might be taken;--but all that was now changed. She had made her little attempt,--had made it, as she felt, in a very languid manner, and had found herself treated as a child for doing so. Of course she was happy in her ill success; of course she would have been broken-hearted had she succeeded. But, nevertheless, she was somewhat lowered in her own esteem, and it was necessary that she should acknowledge the truth to the friend whom she had consulted. A day or two had passed before she found herself alone with Nora, but when she did so she confessed her failure at once. "You told him all, then?" said Nora. "Oh yes, I told him all. That is, I could not really tell him. When the moment came I had no words." "And what did he say?" "He had words enough. I never knew him to be eloquent before." "He can speak out if he likes," said Nora. "So I have found,--with a vengeance. Nobody was ever so put down as I was. Don't you know that there are times when it does not seem to be worth your while to put out your strength against an adversary? So it was with him. He just told me that he was my master, and that I was to do as he bade me." "And what did you say?" "I promised to be a good girl," said Caroline, "and not to pretend to have any opinion of my own ever again. And so we kissed, and were friends." "I dare say there was a kiss, my dear." "Of course there was;--and he held me in his arms, and comforted me, and told me how to behave;--just as you would do a little girl. It's all over now, of course; and if there be a mistake, it is his fault. I feel that all responsibility is gone from myself, and that for all the rest of my life I have to do just what he tells me." "And what says the divine Wallachia?" "Poor Wally! She says nothing, but she thinks that I am a castaway and a recreant. I am a recreant, I know;--but yet I think that I was right. I know I could not help myself." "Of course you were right, my dear," said the sage Nora. "If you had the notion in your head, it was wise to get rid of it; but I knew how it would be when you spoke to him." "You were not so weak when he came to you." "That was altogether another thing. It was not arranged in heaven that I was to become his captive." After that Wallachia Petrie never again tried her influence on her former friend, but admitted to herself that the evil was done, and that it could not be remedied. According to her theory of life, Caroline Spalding had been wrong, and weak,--had shewn herself to be comfort-loving and luxuriously-minded, had looked to get her happiness from soft effeminate pleasures rather than from rational work and the useful, independent exercise of her own intelligence. In the privacy of her little chamber Wallachia Petrie shed,--not absolute tears,--but many tearful thoughts over her friend. It was to her a thing very terrible that the chosen one of her heart should prefer the career of an English lord's wife to that of an American citizeness, with all manner of capability for female voting, female speech-making, female poetising, and, perhaps, female political action before her. It was a thousand pities! "You may take a horse to water,"--said Wallachia to herself, thinking of the ever-freshly springing fountain of her own mind, at which Caroline Spalding would always have been made welcome freely to quench her thirst,--"but you cannot make him drink if he be not athirst." In the future she would have no friend. Never again would she subject herself to the disgrace of such a failure. But the sacrifice was to be made, and she knew that it was bootless to waste her words further on Caroline Spalding. She left Florence before the wedding, and returned alone to the land of liberty. She wrote a letter to Caroline explaining her conduct, and Caroline Spalding shewed the letter to her husband,--as one that was both loving and eloquent. "Very loving and very eloquent," he said. "But, nevertheless, one does think of sour grapes." "There I am sure you wrong her," said Caroline. CHAPTER LXXXII. MRS. FRENCH'S CARVING KNIFE. During these days there were terrible doings at Exeter. Camilla had sworn that if Mr. Gibson did not come to, there should be a tragedy, and it appeared that she was inclined to keep her word. Immediately after the receipt of her letter from Mr. Gibson she had had an interview with that gentleman in his lodgings, and had asked him his intentions. He had taken measures to fortify himself against such an attack; but, whatever those measures were, Camilla had broken through them. She had stood before him as he sat in his arm-chair, and he had been dumb in her presence. It had perhaps been well for him that the eloquence of her indignation had been so great that she had hardly been able to pause a moment for a reply. "Will you take your letter back again?" she had said. "I should be wrong to do that," he had lisped out in reply, "because it is true. As a Christian minister I could not stand with you at the altar with a lie in my mouth." In no other way did he attempt to excuse himself,--but that, twice repeated, filled up all the pause which she made for him. [Illustration: Camilla's wrath.] There never had been such a case before,--so impudent, so cruel, so gross, so uncalled for, so unmanly, so unnecessary, so unjustifiable, so damnable,--so sure of eternal condemnation! All this she said to him with loud voice, and clenched fist, and starting eyes,--regardless utterly of any listeners on the stairs, or of outside passers in the street. In very truth she was moved to a sublimity of indignation. Her low nature became nearly poetic under the wrong inflicted upon her. She was almost tempted to tear him with her hands, and inflict upon him at the moment some terrible vengeance which should be told of for ever in the annals of Exeter. A man so mean as he, so weak, so cowardly, one so little of a hero;--that he should dare to do it, and dare to sit there before her, and to say that he would do it! "Your gown shall be torn off your back, sir, and the very boys of Exeter shall drag you through the gutters!" To this threat he said nothing, but sat mute, hiding his face in his hands. "And now tell me this, sir;--is there anything between you and Bella?" But there was no voice in reply. "Answer my question, sir. I have a right to ask it." Still he said not a word. "Listen to me. Sooner than that you and she should be man and wife, I would stab her! Yes, I would;--you poor, paltry, lying, cowardly creature!" She remained with him for more than half an hour, and then banged out of the room flashing back a look of scorn at him as she went. Martha, before that day was over, had learned the whole story from Mr. Gibson's cook, and had told her mistress. "I did not think he had so much spirit in him," was Miss Stanbury's answer. Throughout Exeter the great wonder arising from the crisis was the amount of spirit which had been displayed by Mr. Gibson. When he was left alone he shook himself, and began to think that if there were danger that such interviews might occur frequently he had better leave Exeter for good. As he put his hand over his forehead, he declared to himself that a very little more of that kind of thing would kill him. When a couple of hours had passed over his head he shook himself again, and sat down and wrote a letter to his intended mother-in-law. I do not mean to complain [he said], God knows I have no right; but I cannot stand a repetition of what has occurred just now. If your younger daughter comes to see me again I must refuse to see her, and shall leave the town. I am ready to make what reparation may be possible for the mistake into which I have fallen. T. G. Mrs. French was no doubt much afraid of her younger daughter, but she was less afraid of her than were other people. Familiarity, they say, breeds contempt; and who can be so familiar with a child as its parent? She did not in her heart believe that Camilla would murder anybody, and she fully realised the conviction that, even after all that was come and gone, it would be better that one of her daughters should have a husband than that neither should be so blessed. If only Camilla could be got out of Exeter for a few months,--how good a thing it would be for them all! She had a brother in Gloucester,--if only he could be got to take Camilla for a few months! And then, too, she knew that if the true rights of her two daughters were strictly and impartially examined, Arabella's claim was much stronger than any that Camilla could put forward to the hand of Mr. Gibson. "You must not go there again, Camilla," the mother said. "I shall go whenever I please," replied the fury. "Now, Camilla, we may as well understand each other. I will not have it done. If I am provoked, I will send to your uncle at Gloucester." Now the uncle at Gloucester was a timber merchant, a man with protuberant eyes and a great square chin,--known to be a very stern man indeed, and not at all afraid of young women. "What do I care for my uncle? My uncle would take my part." "No, he would not. The truth is, Camilla, you interfered with Bella first." "Mamma, how dare you say so!" "You did, my dear. And these are the consequences." "And you mean to say that she is to be Mrs. Gibson?" "I say nothing about that. But I do not see why they shouldn't be married if their hearts are inclined to each other." "I will die first!" "Your dying has nothing to do with it, Camilla." "And I will kill her!" "If you speak to me again in that way I will write to your uncle at Gloucester. I have done the best I could for you both, and I will not bear such treatment." "And how am I treated?" "You should not have interfered with your sister." "You are all in a conspiracy together," shouted Camilla, "you are! There never was anybody so badly treated,--never,--never,--never! What will everybody say of me?" "They will pity you, if you will be quiet." "I don't want to be pitied;--I won't be pitied. I wish I could die,--and I will die! Anybody else would, at any rate, have had their mother and sister with them!" Then she burst into a flood of real, true, womanly tears. After this there was a lull at Heavitree for a few days. Camilla did not speak to her sister, but she condescended to hold some intercourse with her mother, and to take her meals at the family table. She did not go out of the house, but she employed herself in her own room, doing no one knew what, with all that new clothing and household gear which was to have been transferred in her train to Mr. Gibson's house. Mrs. French was somewhat uneasy about the new clothing and household gear, feeling that, in the event of Bella's marriage, at least a considerable portion of it must be transferred to the new bride. But it was impossible at the present moment to open such a subject to Camilla;--it would have been as a proposition to a lioness respecting the taking away of her whelps. Nevertheless, the day must soon come in which something must be said about the clothing and household gear. All the property that had been sent into the house at Camilla's orders could not be allowed to remain as Camilla's perquisites, now that Camilla was not to be married. "Do you know what she is doing, my dear?" said Mrs. French to her elder daughter. "Perhaps she is picking out the marks," said Bella. "I don't think she would do that as yet," said Mrs. French. "She might just as well leave it alone," said Bella, feeling that one of the two letters would do for her. But neither of them dared to speak to her of her occupation in these first days of her despair. Mr. Gibson in the meantime remained at home, or only left his house to go to the Cathedral or to visit the narrow confines of his little parish. When he was out he felt that everybody looked at him, and it seemed to him that people whispered about him when they saw him at his usual desk in the choir. His friends passed him merely bowing to him, and he was aware that he had done that which would be regarded by every one around him as unpardonable. And yet,--what ought he to have done? He acknowledged to himself that he had been very foolish, mad,--quite demented at the moment,--when he allowed himself to think it possible that he should marry Camilla French. But having found out how mad he had been at that moment, having satisfied himself that to live with her as his wife would be impossible, was he not right to break the engagement? Could anything be so wicked as marrying a woman whom he--hated? Thus he tried to excuse himself; but yet he knew that all the world would condemn him. Life in Exeter would be impossible, if no way to social pardon could be opened for him. He was willing to do anything within bounds in mitigation of his offence. He would give up fifty pounds a year to Camilla for his life,--or he would marry Bella. Yes; he would marry Bella at once,--if Camilla would only consent, and give up that idea of stabbing some one. Bella French was not very nice in his eyes; but she was quiet, he thought, and it might be possible to live with her. Nevertheless, he told himself over and over again that the manner in which unmarried men with incomes were set upon by ladies in want of husbands was very disgraceful to the country at large. That mission to Natal which had once been offered to him would have had charms for him now, of which he had not recognised the force when he rejected it. "Do you think that he ever was really engaged to her?" Dorothy said to her aunt. Dorothy was now living in a seventh heaven of happiness, writing love-letters to Brooke Burgess every other day, and devoting to this occupation a number of hours of which she ought to have been ashamed; making her purchases for her wedding,--with nothing, however, of the magnificence of a Camilla,--but discussing everything with her aunt, who urged her on to extravagances which seemed beyond the scope of her own economical ideas; settling, or trying to settle, little difficulties which perplexed her somewhat, and wondering at her own career. She could not of course be married without the presence of her mother and sister, and her aunt,--with something of a grim courtesy,--had intimated that they should be made welcome to the house in the Close for the special occasion. But nothing had been said about Hugh. The wedding was to be in the Cathedral, and Dorothy had a little scheme in her head for meeting her brother among the aisles. He would no doubt come down with Brooke, and nothing perhaps need be said about it to Aunt Stanbury. But still it was a trouble. Her aunt had been so good that Dorothy felt that no step should be taken which would vex the old woman. It was evident enough that when permission had been given for the visit of Mrs. Stanbury and Priscilla, Hugh's name had been purposely kept back. There had been no accidental omission. Dorothy, therefore, did not dare to mention it,--and yet it was essential for her happiness that he should be there. At the present moment Miss Stanbury's intense interest in the Stanbury wedding was somewhat mitigated by the excitement occasioned by Mr. Gibson's refusal to be married. Dorothy was so shocked that she could not bring herself to believe the statement that had reached them through Martha. "Of course he was engaged to her. We all knew that," said Miss Stanbury. "I think there must have been some mistake," said Dorothy. "I don't see how he could do it." "There is no knowing what people can do, my dear, when they're hard driven. I suppose we shall have a lawsuit now, and he'll have to pay ever so much money. Well, well, well! see what a deal of trouble you might have saved!" "But he'd have done the same to me, aunt;--only, you know, I never could have taken him. Isn't it better as it is, aunt? Tell me." "I suppose young women always think it best when they can get their own ways. An old woman like me has only got to do what she is bid." "But this was best, aunt;--was it not?" "My dear, you've had your way, and let that be enough. Poor Camilla French is not allowed to have hers at all. Dear, dear, dear! I didn't think the man would ever have been such a fool to begin with;--or that he would ever have had the heart to get out of it afterwards." It astonished Dorothy to find that her aunt was not loud in reprobation of Mr. Gibson's very dreadful conduct. In the meantime Mrs. French had written to her brother at Gloucester. The maid-servant, in making Miss Camilla's bed, and in "putting the room to rights," as she called it,--which description probably was intended to cover the circumstances of an accurate search,--had discovered, hidden among some linen,--a carving knife! such a knife as is used for the cutting up of fowls; and, after two days' interval, had imparted the discovery to Mrs. French. Instant visit was made to the pantry, and it was found that a very aged but unbroken and sharply-pointed weapon was missing. Mrs. French at once accused Camilla, and Camilla, after some hesitation, admitted that it might be there. Molly, she said, was a nasty, sly, wicked thing, to go looking in her drawers, and she would never leave anything unlocked again. The knife, she declared, had been taken up-stairs, because she had wanted something very sharp to cut,--the bones of her stays. The knife was given up, but Mrs. French thought it best to write to her brother, Mr. Crump. She was in great doubt about sundry matters. Had the carving knife really pointed to a domestic tragedy;--and if so, what steps ought a poor widow to take with such a daughter? And what ought to be done about Mr. Gibson? It ran through Mrs. French's mind that unless something were done at once, Mr. Gibson would escape scot free. It was her wish that he should yet become her son-in-law. Poor Bella was entitled to her chance. But if Bella was to be disappointed,--from fear of carving knives, or for other reasons,--then there came the question whether Mr. Gibson should not be made to pay in purse for the mischief he had done. With all these thoughts and doubts running through her head, Mrs. French wrote to her brother at Gloucester. There came back an answer from Mr. Crump, in which that gentleman expressed a very strong idea that Mr. Gibson should be prosecuted for damages with the utmost virulence, and with the least possible delay. No compromise should be accepted. Mr. Crump would himself come to Exeter and see the lawyer as soon as he should be told that there was a lawyer to be seen. As to the carving knife, Mr. Crump was of opinion that it did not mean anything. Mr. Crump was a gentleman who did not believe in strong romance, but who had great trust in all pecuniary claims. The Frenches had always been genteel. The late Captain French had been an officer in the army, and at ordinary times and seasons the Frenches were rather ashamed of the Crump connection. But now the timber merchant might prove himself to be a useful friend. Mrs. French shewed her brother's letter to Bella,--and poor Bella was again sore-hearted, seeing that nothing was said in it of her claims. "It will be dreadful scandal to have it all in the papers!" said Bella. "But what can we do?" "Anything would be better than that," said Bella. "And you don't want to punish Mr. Gibson, mamma." "But, my dear, you see what your uncle says. What can I do, except go to him for advice?" "Why don't you go to Mr. Gibson yourself, mamma?" But nothing was said to Camilla about Mr. Crump;--nothing as yet. Camilla did not love Mr. Crump, but there was no other house except that of Mr. Crump's at Gloucester to which she might be sent, if it could be arranged that Mr. Gibson and Bella should be made one. Mrs. French took her eldest daughter's advice, and went to Mr. Gibson;--taking Mr. Crump's letter in her pocket. For herself she wanted nothing,--but was it not the duty of her whole life to fight for her daughters? Poor woman! If somebody would only have taught her how that duty might best be done, she would have endeavoured to obey the teaching. "You know I do not want to threaten you," she said to Mr. Gibson; "but you see what my brother says. Of course I wrote to my brother. What could a poor woman do in such circumstances except write to her brother?" "If you choose to set the bloodhounds of the law at me, of course you can," said Mr. Gibson. "I do not want to go to law at all;--God knows I do not!" said Mrs. French. Then there was a pause. "Poor dear Bella!" ejaculated Mrs. French. "Dear Bella!" echoed Mr. Gibson. "What do you mean to do about Bella?" asked Mrs. French. "I sometimes think that I had better take poison and have done with it!" said Mr. Gibson, feeling himself to be very hard pressed. CHAPTER LXXXIII. BELLA VICTRIX. Mr. Crump arrived at Exeter. Camilla was not told of his coming till the morning of the day on which he arrived; and then the tidings were communicated, because it was necessary that a change should be made in the bed-rooms. She and her sister had separate rooms when there was no visitor with them, but now Mr. Crump must be accommodated. There was a long consultation between Bella and Mrs. French, but at last it was decided that Bella should sleep with her mother. There would still be too much of the lioness about Camilla to allow of her being regarded as a safe companion through the watches of the night. "Why is Uncle Jonas coming now?" she asked. "I thought it better to ask him," said Mrs. French. After a long pause, Camilla asked another question. "Does Uncle Jonas mean to see Mr. Gibson?" "I suppose he will," said Mrs. French. "Then he will see a low, mean fellow;--the lowest, meanest fellow that ever was heard of! But that won't make much difference to Uncle Jonas. I wouldn't have him now, if he was to ask me ever so;--that I wouldn't!" Mr. Crump came, and kissed his sister and two nieces. The embrace with Camilla was not very affectionate. "So your Joe has been and jilted you?" said Uncle Jonas;--"it's like one of them clergymen. They say so many prayers, they think they may do almost anything afterwards. Another man would have had his head punched." "The less talk there is about it the better," said Camilla. On the following day Mr. Crump called by appointment on Mr. Gibson, and remained closeted with that gentleman for the greater portion of the morning. Camilla knew well that he was going, and went about the house like a perturbed spirit during his absence. There was a look about her that made them all doubt whether she was not, in truth, losing her mind. Her mother more than once went to the pantry to see that the knives were right; and, as regarded that sharp-pointed weapon, was careful to lock it up carefully out of her daughter's way. Mr. Crump had declared himself willing to take Camilla back to Gloucester, and had laughed at the obstacles which his niece might, perhaps, throw in the way of such an arrangement. "She mustn't have much luggage;--that is all," said Mr. Crump. For Mr. Crump had been made aware of the circumstances of the trousseau. About three o'clock Mr. Crump came back from Mr. Gibson's, and expressed a desire to be left alone with Camilla. Mrs. French was prepared for everything; and Mr. Crump soon found himself with his younger niece. "Camilla, my dear," said he, "this has been a bad business." "I don't know what business you mean, Uncle Jonas." "Yes, you do, my dear;--you know. And I hope it won't come too late to prove to you that young women shouldn't be too keen in setting their caps at the gentlemen. It's better for them to be hunted, than to hunt." "Uncle Jonas, I will not be insulted." "Stick to that, my dear, and you won't get into a scrape again. Now, look here. This man can never be made to marry you, anyhow." "I wouldn't touch him with a pair of tongs, if he were kneeling at my feet!" "That's right; stick to that. Of course, you wouldn't now, after all that has come and gone. No girl with any spirit would." "He's a coward and a thief, and he'll be--damned for what he has done, some of these days!" "T-ch, t-ch, t-ch! That isn't a proper way for a young lady to talk. That's cursing and swearing." "It isn't cursing and swearing;--it's what the Bible says." "Then we'll leave him to the Bible. In the meantime, Mr. Gibson wants to marry some one else, and that can't hurt you." "He may marry whom he likes;--but he shan't marry Bella--that's all!" "It is Bella that he means to marry." "Then he won't. I'll forbid the banns. I'll write to the bishop. I'll go to the church and prevent its being done. I'll make such a noise in the town that it can't be done. It's no use your looking at me like that, Uncle Jonas. I've got my own feelings, and he shall never marry Bella. It's what they have been intending all through, and it shan't be done!" "It will be done." "Uncle Jonas, I'll stab her to the heart, and him too, before I'll see it done! Though I were to be killed the next day, I would. Could you bear it?" "I'm not a young woman. Now, I'll tell you what I want you to do." "I'll not do anything." "Just pack up your things, and start with me to Gloucester to-morrow." "I--won't!" "Then you'll be carried, my dear. I'll write to your aunt, to say that you're coming; and we'll be as jolly as possible when we get you home." "I won't go to Gloucester, Uncle Jonas. I won't go away from Exeter. I won't let it be done. She shall never, never, never be that man's wife!" Nevertheless, on the day but one after this, Camilla French did go to Gloucester. Before she went, however, things had to be done in that house which almost made Mrs. French repent that she had sent for so stern an assistant. Camilla was at last told, in so many words, that the things which she had prepared for her own wedding must be given up for the wedding of her sister; and it seemed that this item in the list of her sorrows troubled her

revised

How many times the word 'revised' appears in the text?

As he said this, he heard a step behind them, and turning round saw Wallachia there almost before he could drop his arm. "I am sorry that I have intruded on you," she said very grimly. "Not in the least," said Mr. Glascock. "Caroline and I have had a little dispute, but we have settled it without coming to blows." "I do not suppose that an English gentleman ever absolutely strikes a lady," said Wallachia Petrie. "Not except on strong provocation," said Mr. Glascock. "In reference to wives, a stick is allowed as big as your thumb." "I have heard that it is so by the laws of England," said Wallachia. "How can you be so ridiculous, Wally!" said Caroline. "There is nothing that you would not believe." "I hope that it may never be true in your case," said Wallachia. A couple of days after this Miss Spalding found that it was absolutely necessary that she should explain the circumstances of her position to Nora. She had left Nora with the purpose of performing a very high-minded action, of sacrificing herself for the sake of her lover, of giving up all her golden prospects, and of becoming once again the bosom friend of Wallachia Petrie, with this simple consolation for her future life,--that she had refused to marry an English nobleman because the English nobleman's condition was unsuited to her. It would have been an episode in female life in which pride might be taken;--but all that was now changed. She had made her little attempt,--had made it, as she felt, in a very languid manner, and had found herself treated as a child for doing so. Of course she was happy in her ill success; of course she would have been broken-hearted had she succeeded. But, nevertheless, she was somewhat lowered in her own esteem, and it was necessary that she should acknowledge the truth to the friend whom she had consulted. A day or two had passed before she found herself alone with Nora, but when she did so she confessed her failure at once. "You told him all, then?" said Nora. "Oh yes, I told him all. That is, I could not really tell him. When the moment came I had no words." "And what did he say?" "He had words enough. I never knew him to be eloquent before." "He can speak out if he likes," said Nora. "So I have found,--with a vengeance. Nobody was ever so put down as I was. Don't you know that there are times when it does not seem to be worth your while to put out your strength against an adversary? So it was with him. He just told me that he was my master, and that I was to do as he bade me." "And what did you say?" "I promised to be a good girl," said Caroline, "and not to pretend to have any opinion of my own ever again. And so we kissed, and were friends." "I dare say there was a kiss, my dear." "Of course there was;--and he held me in his arms, and comforted me, and told me how to behave;--just as you would do a little girl. It's all over now, of course; and if there be a mistake, it is his fault. I feel that all responsibility is gone from myself, and that for all the rest of my life I have to do just what he tells me." "And what says the divine Wallachia?" "Poor Wally! She says nothing, but she thinks that I am a castaway and a recreant. I am a recreant, I know;--but yet I think that I was right. I know I could not help myself." "Of course you were right, my dear," said the sage Nora. "If you had the notion in your head, it was wise to get rid of it; but I knew how it would be when you spoke to him." "You were not so weak when he came to you." "That was altogether another thing. It was not arranged in heaven that I was to become his captive." After that Wallachia Petrie never again tried her influence on her former friend, but admitted to herself that the evil was done, and that it could not be remedied. According to her theory of life, Caroline Spalding had been wrong, and weak,--had shewn herself to be comfort-loving and luxuriously-minded, had looked to get her happiness from soft effeminate pleasures rather than from rational work and the useful, independent exercise of her own intelligence. In the privacy of her little chamber Wallachia Petrie shed,--not absolute tears,--but many tearful thoughts over her friend. It was to her a thing very terrible that the chosen one of her heart should prefer the career of an English lord's wife to that of an American citizeness, with all manner of capability for female voting, female speech-making, female poetising, and, perhaps, female political action before her. It was a thousand pities! "You may take a horse to water,"--said Wallachia to herself, thinking of the ever-freshly springing fountain of her own mind, at which Caroline Spalding would always have been made welcome freely to quench her thirst,--"but you cannot make him drink if he be not athirst." In the future she would have no friend. Never again would she subject herself to the disgrace of such a failure. But the sacrifice was to be made, and she knew that it was bootless to waste her words further on Caroline Spalding. She left Florence before the wedding, and returned alone to the land of liberty. She wrote a letter to Caroline explaining her conduct, and Caroline Spalding shewed the letter to her husband,--as one that was both loving and eloquent. "Very loving and very eloquent," he said. "But, nevertheless, one does think of sour grapes." "There I am sure you wrong her," said Caroline. CHAPTER LXXXII. MRS. FRENCH'S CARVING KNIFE. During these days there were terrible doings at Exeter. Camilla had sworn that if Mr. Gibson did not come to, there should be a tragedy, and it appeared that she was inclined to keep her word. Immediately after the receipt of her letter from Mr. Gibson she had had an interview with that gentleman in his lodgings, and had asked him his intentions. He had taken measures to fortify himself against such an attack; but, whatever those measures were, Camilla had broken through them. She had stood before him as he sat in his arm-chair, and he had been dumb in her presence. It had perhaps been well for him that the eloquence of her indignation had been so great that she had hardly been able to pause a moment for a reply. "Will you take your letter back again?" she had said. "I should be wrong to do that," he had lisped out in reply, "because it is true. As a Christian minister I could not stand with you at the altar with a lie in my mouth." In no other way did he attempt to excuse himself,--but that, twice repeated, filled up all the pause which she made for him. [Illustration: Camilla's wrath.] There never had been such a case before,--so impudent, so cruel, so gross, so uncalled for, so unmanly, so unnecessary, so unjustifiable, so damnable,--so sure of eternal condemnation! All this she said to him with loud voice, and clenched fist, and starting eyes,--regardless utterly of any listeners on the stairs, or of outside passers in the street. In very truth she was moved to a sublimity of indignation. Her low nature became nearly poetic under the wrong inflicted upon her. She was almost tempted to tear him with her hands, and inflict upon him at the moment some terrible vengeance which should be told of for ever in the annals of Exeter. A man so mean as he, so weak, so cowardly, one so little of a hero;--that he should dare to do it, and dare to sit there before her, and to say that he would do it! "Your gown shall be torn off your back, sir, and the very boys of Exeter shall drag you through the gutters!" To this threat he said nothing, but sat mute, hiding his face in his hands. "And now tell me this, sir;--is there anything between you and Bella?" But there was no voice in reply. "Answer my question, sir. I have a right to ask it." Still he said not a word. "Listen to me. Sooner than that you and she should be man and wife, I would stab her! Yes, I would;--you poor, paltry, lying, cowardly creature!" She remained with him for more than half an hour, and then banged out of the room flashing back a look of scorn at him as she went. Martha, before that day was over, had learned the whole story from Mr. Gibson's cook, and had told her mistress. "I did not think he had so much spirit in him," was Miss Stanbury's answer. Throughout Exeter the great wonder arising from the crisis was the amount of spirit which had been displayed by Mr. Gibson. When he was left alone he shook himself, and began to think that if there were danger that such interviews might occur frequently he had better leave Exeter for good. As he put his hand over his forehead, he declared to himself that a very little more of that kind of thing would kill him. When a couple of hours had passed over his head he shook himself again, and sat down and wrote a letter to his intended mother-in-law. I do not mean to complain [he said], God knows I have no right; but I cannot stand a repetition of what has occurred just now. If your younger daughter comes to see me again I must refuse to see her, and shall leave the town. I am ready to make what reparation may be possible for the mistake into which I have fallen. T. G. Mrs. French was no doubt much afraid of her younger daughter, but she was less afraid of her than were other people. Familiarity, they say, breeds contempt; and who can be so familiar with a child as its parent? She did not in her heart believe that Camilla would murder anybody, and she fully realised the conviction that, even after all that was come and gone, it would be better that one of her daughters should have a husband than that neither should be so blessed. If only Camilla could be got out of Exeter for a few months,--how good a thing it would be for them all! She had a brother in Gloucester,--if only he could be got to take Camilla for a few months! And then, too, she knew that if the true rights of her two daughters were strictly and impartially examined, Arabella's claim was much stronger than any that Camilla could put forward to the hand of Mr. Gibson. "You must not go there again, Camilla," the mother said. "I shall go whenever I please," replied the fury. "Now, Camilla, we may as well understand each other. I will not have it done. If I am provoked, I will send to your uncle at Gloucester." Now the uncle at Gloucester was a timber merchant, a man with protuberant eyes and a great square chin,--known to be a very stern man indeed, and not at all afraid of young women. "What do I care for my uncle? My uncle would take my part." "No, he would not. The truth is, Camilla, you interfered with Bella first." "Mamma, how dare you say so!" "You did, my dear. And these are the consequences." "And you mean to say that she is to be Mrs. Gibson?" "I say nothing about that. But I do not see why they shouldn't be married if their hearts are inclined to each other." "I will die first!" "Your dying has nothing to do with it, Camilla." "And I will kill her!" "If you speak to me again in that way I will write to your uncle at Gloucester. I have done the best I could for you both, and I will not bear such treatment." "And how am I treated?" "You should not have interfered with your sister." "You are all in a conspiracy together," shouted Camilla, "you are! There never was anybody so badly treated,--never,--never,--never! What will everybody say of me?" "They will pity you, if you will be quiet." "I don't want to be pitied;--I won't be pitied. I wish I could die,--and I will die! Anybody else would, at any rate, have had their mother and sister with them!" Then she burst into a flood of real, true, womanly tears. After this there was a lull at Heavitree for a few days. Camilla did not speak to her sister, but she condescended to hold some intercourse with her mother, and to take her meals at the family table. She did not go out of the house, but she employed herself in her own room, doing no one knew what, with all that new clothing and household gear which was to have been transferred in her train to Mr. Gibson's house. Mrs. French was somewhat uneasy about the new clothing and household gear, feeling that, in the event of Bella's marriage, at least a considerable portion of it must be transferred to the new bride. But it was impossible at the present moment to open such a subject to Camilla;--it would have been as a proposition to a lioness respecting the taking away of her whelps. Nevertheless, the day must soon come in which something must be said about the clothing and household gear. All the property that had been sent into the house at Camilla's orders could not be allowed to remain as Camilla's perquisites, now that Camilla was not to be married. "Do you know what she is doing, my dear?" said Mrs. French to her elder daughter. "Perhaps she is picking out the marks," said Bella. "I don't think she would do that as yet," said Mrs. French. "She might just as well leave it alone," said Bella, feeling that one of the two letters would do for her. But neither of them dared to speak to her of her occupation in these first days of her despair. Mr. Gibson in the meantime remained at home, or only left his house to go to the Cathedral or to visit the narrow confines of his little parish. When he was out he felt that everybody looked at him, and it seemed to him that people whispered about him when they saw him at his usual desk in the choir. His friends passed him merely bowing to him, and he was aware that he had done that which would be regarded by every one around him as unpardonable. And yet,--what ought he to have done? He acknowledged to himself that he had been very foolish, mad,--quite demented at the moment,--when he allowed himself to think it possible that he should marry Camilla French. But having found out how mad he had been at that moment, having satisfied himself that to live with her as his wife would be impossible, was he not right to break the engagement? Could anything be so wicked as marrying a woman whom he--hated? Thus he tried to excuse himself; but yet he knew that all the world would condemn him. Life in Exeter would be impossible, if no way to social pardon could be opened for him. He was willing to do anything within bounds in mitigation of his offence. He would give up fifty pounds a year to Camilla for his life,--or he would marry Bella. Yes; he would marry Bella at once,--if Camilla would only consent, and give up that idea of stabbing some one. Bella French was not very nice in his eyes; but she was quiet, he thought, and it might be possible to live with her. Nevertheless, he told himself over and over again that the manner in which unmarried men with incomes were set upon by ladies in want of husbands was very disgraceful to the country at large. That mission to Natal which had once been offered to him would have had charms for him now, of which he had not recognised the force when he rejected it. "Do you think that he ever was really engaged to her?" Dorothy said to her aunt. Dorothy was now living in a seventh heaven of happiness, writing love-letters to Brooke Burgess every other day, and devoting to this occupation a number of hours of which she ought to have been ashamed; making her purchases for her wedding,--with nothing, however, of the magnificence of a Camilla,--but discussing everything with her aunt, who urged her on to extravagances which seemed beyond the scope of her own economical ideas; settling, or trying to settle, little difficulties which perplexed her somewhat, and wondering at her own career. She could not of course be married without the presence of her mother and sister, and her aunt,--with something of a grim courtesy,--had intimated that they should be made welcome to the house in the Close for the special occasion. But nothing had been said about Hugh. The wedding was to be in the Cathedral, and Dorothy had a little scheme in her head for meeting her brother among the aisles. He would no doubt come down with Brooke, and nothing perhaps need be said about it to Aunt Stanbury. But still it was a trouble. Her aunt had been so good that Dorothy felt that no step should be taken which would vex the old woman. It was evident enough that when permission had been given for the visit of Mrs. Stanbury and Priscilla, Hugh's name had been purposely kept back. There had been no accidental omission. Dorothy, therefore, did not dare to mention it,--and yet it was essential for her happiness that he should be there. At the present moment Miss Stanbury's intense interest in the Stanbury wedding was somewhat mitigated by the excitement occasioned by Mr. Gibson's refusal to be married. Dorothy was so shocked that she could not bring herself to believe the statement that had reached them through Martha. "Of course he was engaged to her. We all knew that," said Miss Stanbury. "I think there must have been some mistake," said Dorothy. "I don't see how he could do it." "There is no knowing what people can do, my dear, when they're hard driven. I suppose we shall have a lawsuit now, and he'll have to pay ever so much money. Well, well, well! see what a deal of trouble you might have saved!" "But he'd have done the same to me, aunt;--only, you know, I never could have taken him. Isn't it better as it is, aunt? Tell me." "I suppose young women always think it best when they can get their own ways. An old woman like me has only got to do what she is bid." "But this was best, aunt;--was it not?" "My dear, you've had your way, and let that be enough. Poor Camilla French is not allowed to have hers at all. Dear, dear, dear! I didn't think the man would ever have been such a fool to begin with;--or that he would ever have had the heart to get out of it afterwards." It astonished Dorothy to find that her aunt was not loud in reprobation of Mr. Gibson's very dreadful conduct. In the meantime Mrs. French had written to her brother at Gloucester. The maid-servant, in making Miss Camilla's bed, and in "putting the room to rights," as she called it,--which description probably was intended to cover the circumstances of an accurate search,--had discovered, hidden among some linen,--a carving knife! such a knife as is used for the cutting up of fowls; and, after two days' interval, had imparted the discovery to Mrs. French. Instant visit was made to the pantry, and it was found that a very aged but unbroken and sharply-pointed weapon was missing. Mrs. French at once accused Camilla, and Camilla, after some hesitation, admitted that it might be there. Molly, she said, was a nasty, sly, wicked thing, to go looking in her drawers, and she would never leave anything unlocked again. The knife, she declared, had been taken up-stairs, because she had wanted something very sharp to cut,--the bones of her stays. The knife was given up, but Mrs. French thought it best to write to her brother, Mr. Crump. She was in great doubt about sundry matters. Had the carving knife really pointed to a domestic tragedy;--and if so, what steps ought a poor widow to take with such a daughter? And what ought to be done about Mr. Gibson? It ran through Mrs. French's mind that unless something were done at once, Mr. Gibson would escape scot free. It was her wish that he should yet become her son-in-law. Poor Bella was entitled to her chance. But if Bella was to be disappointed,--from fear of carving knives, or for other reasons,--then there came the question whether Mr. Gibson should not be made to pay in purse for the mischief he had done. With all these thoughts and doubts running through her head, Mrs. French wrote to her brother at Gloucester. There came back an answer from Mr. Crump, in which that gentleman expressed a very strong idea that Mr. Gibson should be prosecuted for damages with the utmost virulence, and with the least possible delay. No compromise should be accepted. Mr. Crump would himself come to Exeter and see the lawyer as soon as he should be told that there was a lawyer to be seen. As to the carving knife, Mr. Crump was of opinion that it did not mean anything. Mr. Crump was a gentleman who did not believe in strong romance, but who had great trust in all pecuniary claims. The Frenches had always been genteel. The late Captain French had been an officer in the army, and at ordinary times and seasons the Frenches were rather ashamed of the Crump connection. But now the timber merchant might prove himself to be a useful friend. Mrs. French shewed her brother's letter to Bella,--and poor Bella was again sore-hearted, seeing that nothing was said in it of her claims. "It will be dreadful scandal to have it all in the papers!" said Bella. "But what can we do?" "Anything would be better than that," said Bella. "And you don't want to punish Mr. Gibson, mamma." "But, my dear, you see what your uncle says. What can I do, except go to him for advice?" "Why don't you go to Mr. Gibson yourself, mamma?" But nothing was said to Camilla about Mr. Crump;--nothing as yet. Camilla did not love Mr. Crump, but there was no other house except that of Mr. Crump's at Gloucester to which she might be sent, if it could be arranged that Mr. Gibson and Bella should be made one. Mrs. French took her eldest daughter's advice, and went to Mr. Gibson;--taking Mr. Crump's letter in her pocket. For herself she wanted nothing,--but was it not the duty of her whole life to fight for her daughters? Poor woman! If somebody would only have taught her how that duty might best be done, she would have endeavoured to obey the teaching. "You know I do not want to threaten you," she said to Mr. Gibson; "but you see what my brother says. Of course I wrote to my brother. What could a poor woman do in such circumstances except write to her brother?" "If you choose to set the bloodhounds of the law at me, of course you can," said Mr. Gibson. "I do not want to go to law at all;--God knows I do not!" said Mrs. French. Then there was a pause. "Poor dear Bella!" ejaculated Mrs. French. "Dear Bella!" echoed Mr. Gibson. "What do you mean to do about Bella?" asked Mrs. French. "I sometimes think that I had better take poison and have done with it!" said Mr. Gibson, feeling himself to be very hard pressed. CHAPTER LXXXIII. BELLA VICTRIX. Mr. Crump arrived at Exeter. Camilla was not told of his coming till the morning of the day on which he arrived; and then the tidings were communicated, because it was necessary that a change should be made in the bed-rooms. She and her sister had separate rooms when there was no visitor with them, but now Mr. Crump must be accommodated. There was a long consultation between Bella and Mrs. French, but at last it was decided that Bella should sleep with her mother. There would still be too much of the lioness about Camilla to allow of her being regarded as a safe companion through the watches of the night. "Why is Uncle Jonas coming now?" she asked. "I thought it better to ask him," said Mrs. French. After a long pause, Camilla asked another question. "Does Uncle Jonas mean to see Mr. Gibson?" "I suppose he will," said Mrs. French. "Then he will see a low, mean fellow;--the lowest, meanest fellow that ever was heard of! But that won't make much difference to Uncle Jonas. I wouldn't have him now, if he was to ask me ever so;--that I wouldn't!" Mr. Crump came, and kissed his sister and two nieces. The embrace with Camilla was not very affectionate. "So your Joe has been and jilted you?" said Uncle Jonas;--"it's like one of them clergymen. They say so many prayers, they think they may do almost anything afterwards. Another man would have had his head punched." "The less talk there is about it the better," said Camilla. On the following day Mr. Crump called by appointment on Mr. Gibson, and remained closeted with that gentleman for the greater portion of the morning. Camilla knew well that he was going, and went about the house like a perturbed spirit during his absence. There was a look about her that made them all doubt whether she was not, in truth, losing her mind. Her mother more than once went to the pantry to see that the knives were right; and, as regarded that sharp-pointed weapon, was careful to lock it up carefully out of her daughter's way. Mr. Crump had declared himself willing to take Camilla back to Gloucester, and had laughed at the obstacles which his niece might, perhaps, throw in the way of such an arrangement. "She mustn't have much luggage;--that is all," said Mr. Crump. For Mr. Crump had been made aware of the circumstances of the trousseau. About three o'clock Mr. Crump came back from Mr. Gibson's, and expressed a desire to be left alone with Camilla. Mrs. French was prepared for everything; and Mr. Crump soon found himself with his younger niece. "Camilla, my dear," said he, "this has been a bad business." "I don't know what business you mean, Uncle Jonas." "Yes, you do, my dear;--you know. And I hope it won't come too late to prove to you that young women shouldn't be too keen in setting their caps at the gentlemen. It's better for them to be hunted, than to hunt." "Uncle Jonas, I will not be insulted." "Stick to that, my dear, and you won't get into a scrape again. Now, look here. This man can never be made to marry you, anyhow." "I wouldn't touch him with a pair of tongs, if he were kneeling at my feet!" "That's right; stick to that. Of course, you wouldn't now, after all that has come and gone. No girl with any spirit would." "He's a coward and a thief, and he'll be--damned for what he has done, some of these days!" "T-ch, t-ch, t-ch! That isn't a proper way for a young lady to talk. That's cursing and swearing." "It isn't cursing and swearing;--it's what the Bible says." "Then we'll leave him to the Bible. In the meantime, Mr. Gibson wants to marry some one else, and that can't hurt you." "He may marry whom he likes;--but he shan't marry Bella--that's all!" "It is Bella that he means to marry." "Then he won't. I'll forbid the banns. I'll write to the bishop. I'll go to the church and prevent its being done. I'll make such a noise in the town that it can't be done. It's no use your looking at me like that, Uncle Jonas. I've got my own feelings, and he shall never marry Bella. It's what they have been intending all through, and it shan't be done!" "It will be done." "Uncle Jonas, I'll stab her to the heart, and him too, before I'll see it done! Though I were to be killed the next day, I would. Could you bear it?" "I'm not a young woman. Now, I'll tell you what I want you to do." "I'll not do anything." "Just pack up your things, and start with me to Gloucester to-morrow." "I--won't!" "Then you'll be carried, my dear. I'll write to your aunt, to say that you're coming; and we'll be as jolly as possible when we get you home." "I won't go to Gloucester, Uncle Jonas. I won't go away from Exeter. I won't let it be done. She shall never, never, never be that man's wife!" Nevertheless, on the day but one after this, Camilla French did go to Gloucester. Before she went, however, things had to be done in that house which almost made Mrs. French repent that she had sent for so stern an assistant. Camilla was at last told, in so many words, that the things which she had prepared for her own wedding must be given up for the wedding of her sister; and it seemed that this item in the list of her sorrows troubled her

dubious

How many times the word 'dubious' appears in the text?

As he said this, he heard a step behind them, and turning round saw Wallachia there almost before he could drop his arm. "I am sorry that I have intruded on you," she said very grimly. "Not in the least," said Mr. Glascock. "Caroline and I have had a little dispute, but we have settled it without coming to blows." "I do not suppose that an English gentleman ever absolutely strikes a lady," said Wallachia Petrie. "Not except on strong provocation," said Mr. Glascock. "In reference to wives, a stick is allowed as big as your thumb." "I have heard that it is so by the laws of England," said Wallachia. "How can you be so ridiculous, Wally!" said Caroline. "There is nothing that you would not believe." "I hope that it may never be true in your case," said Wallachia. A couple of days after this Miss Spalding found that it was absolutely necessary that she should explain the circumstances of her position to Nora. She had left Nora with the purpose of performing a very high-minded action, of sacrificing herself for the sake of her lover, of giving up all her golden prospects, and of becoming once again the bosom friend of Wallachia Petrie, with this simple consolation for her future life,--that she had refused to marry an English nobleman because the English nobleman's condition was unsuited to her. It would have been an episode in female life in which pride might be taken;--but all that was now changed. She had made her little attempt,--had made it, as she felt, in a very languid manner, and had found herself treated as a child for doing so. Of course she was happy in her ill success; of course she would have been broken-hearted had she succeeded. But, nevertheless, she was somewhat lowered in her own esteem, and it was necessary that she should acknowledge the truth to the friend whom she had consulted. A day or two had passed before she found herself alone with Nora, but when she did so she confessed her failure at once. "You told him all, then?" said Nora. "Oh yes, I told him all. That is, I could not really tell him. When the moment came I had no words." "And what did he say?" "He had words enough. I never knew him to be eloquent before." "He can speak out if he likes," said Nora. "So I have found,--with a vengeance. Nobody was ever so put down as I was. Don't you know that there are times when it does not seem to be worth your while to put out your strength against an adversary? So it was with him. He just told me that he was my master, and that I was to do as he bade me." "And what did you say?" "I promised to be a good girl," said Caroline, "and not to pretend to have any opinion of my own ever again. And so we kissed, and were friends." "I dare say there was a kiss, my dear." "Of course there was;--and he held me in his arms, and comforted me, and told me how to behave;--just as you would do a little girl. It's all over now, of course; and if there be a mistake, it is his fault. I feel that all responsibility is gone from myself, and that for all the rest of my life I have to do just what he tells me." "And what says the divine Wallachia?" "Poor Wally! She says nothing, but she thinks that I am a castaway and a recreant. I am a recreant, I know;--but yet I think that I was right. I know I could not help myself." "Of course you were right, my dear," said the sage Nora. "If you had the notion in your head, it was wise to get rid of it; but I knew how it would be when you spoke to him." "You were not so weak when he came to you." "That was altogether another thing. It was not arranged in heaven that I was to become his captive." After that Wallachia Petrie never again tried her influence on her former friend, but admitted to herself that the evil was done, and that it could not be remedied. According to her theory of life, Caroline Spalding had been wrong, and weak,--had shewn herself to be comfort-loving and luxuriously-minded, had looked to get her happiness from soft effeminate pleasures rather than from rational work and the useful, independent exercise of her own intelligence. In the privacy of her little chamber Wallachia Petrie shed,--not absolute tears,--but many tearful thoughts over her friend. It was to her a thing very terrible that the chosen one of her heart should prefer the career of an English lord's wife to that of an American citizeness, with all manner of capability for female voting, female speech-making, female poetising, and, perhaps, female political action before her. It was a thousand pities! "You may take a horse to water,"--said Wallachia to herself, thinking of the ever-freshly springing fountain of her own mind, at which Caroline Spalding would always have been made welcome freely to quench her thirst,--"but you cannot make him drink if he be not athirst." In the future she would have no friend. Never again would she subject herself to the disgrace of such a failure. But the sacrifice was to be made, and she knew that it was bootless to waste her words further on Caroline Spalding. She left Florence before the wedding, and returned alone to the land of liberty. She wrote a letter to Caroline explaining her conduct, and Caroline Spalding shewed the letter to her husband,--as one that was both loving and eloquent. "Very loving and very eloquent," he said. "But, nevertheless, one does think of sour grapes." "There I am sure you wrong her," said Caroline. CHAPTER LXXXII. MRS. FRENCH'S CARVING KNIFE. During these days there were terrible doings at Exeter. Camilla had sworn that if Mr. Gibson did not come to, there should be a tragedy, and it appeared that she was inclined to keep her word. Immediately after the receipt of her letter from Mr. Gibson she had had an interview with that gentleman in his lodgings, and had asked him his intentions. He had taken measures to fortify himself against such an attack; but, whatever those measures were, Camilla had broken through them. She had stood before him as he sat in his arm-chair, and he had been dumb in her presence. It had perhaps been well for him that the eloquence of her indignation had been so great that she had hardly been able to pause a moment for a reply. "Will you take your letter back again?" she had said. "I should be wrong to do that," he had lisped out in reply, "because it is true. As a Christian minister I could not stand with you at the altar with a lie in my mouth." In no other way did he attempt to excuse himself,--but that, twice repeated, filled up all the pause which she made for him. [Illustration: Camilla's wrath.] There never had been such a case before,--so impudent, so cruel, so gross, so uncalled for, so unmanly, so unnecessary, so unjustifiable, so damnable,--so sure of eternal condemnation! All this she said to him with loud voice, and clenched fist, and starting eyes,--regardless utterly of any listeners on the stairs, or of outside passers in the street. In very truth she was moved to a sublimity of indignation. Her low nature became nearly poetic under the wrong inflicted upon her. She was almost tempted to tear him with her hands, and inflict upon him at the moment some terrible vengeance which should be told of for ever in the annals of Exeter. A man so mean as he, so weak, so cowardly, one so little of a hero;--that he should dare to do it, and dare to sit there before her, and to say that he would do it! "Your gown shall be torn off your back, sir, and the very boys of Exeter shall drag you through the gutters!" To this threat he said nothing, but sat mute, hiding his face in his hands. "And now tell me this, sir;--is there anything between you and Bella?" But there was no voice in reply. "Answer my question, sir. I have a right to ask it." Still he said not a word. "Listen to me. Sooner than that you and she should be man and wife, I would stab her! Yes, I would;--you poor, paltry, lying, cowardly creature!" She remained with him for more than half an hour, and then banged out of the room flashing back a look of scorn at him as she went. Martha, before that day was over, had learned the whole story from Mr. Gibson's cook, and had told her mistress. "I did not think he had so much spirit in him," was Miss Stanbury's answer. Throughout Exeter the great wonder arising from the crisis was the amount of spirit which had been displayed by Mr. Gibson. When he was left alone he shook himself, and began to think that if there were danger that such interviews might occur frequently he had better leave Exeter for good. As he put his hand over his forehead, he declared to himself that a very little more of that kind of thing would kill him. When a couple of hours had passed over his head he shook himself again, and sat down and wrote a letter to his intended mother-in-law. I do not mean to complain [he said], God knows I have no right; but I cannot stand a repetition of what has occurred just now. If your younger daughter comes to see me again I must refuse to see her, and shall leave the town. I am ready to make what reparation may be possible for the mistake into which I have fallen. T. G. Mrs. French was no doubt much afraid of her younger daughter, but she was less afraid of her than were other people. Familiarity, they say, breeds contempt; and who can be so familiar with a child as its parent? She did not in her heart believe that Camilla would murder anybody, and she fully realised the conviction that, even after all that was come and gone, it would be better that one of her daughters should have a husband than that neither should be so blessed. If only Camilla could be got out of Exeter for a few months,--how good a thing it would be for them all! She had a brother in Gloucester,--if only he could be got to take Camilla for a few months! And then, too, she knew that if the true rights of her two daughters were strictly and impartially examined, Arabella's claim was much stronger than any that Camilla could put forward to the hand of Mr. Gibson. "You must not go there again, Camilla," the mother said. "I shall go whenever I please," replied the fury. "Now, Camilla, we may as well understand each other. I will not have it done. If I am provoked, I will send to your uncle at Gloucester." Now the uncle at Gloucester was a timber merchant, a man with protuberant eyes and a great square chin,--known to be a very stern man indeed, and not at all afraid of young women. "What do I care for my uncle? My uncle would take my part." "No, he would not. The truth is, Camilla, you interfered with Bella first." "Mamma, how dare you say so!" "You did, my dear. And these are the consequences." "And you mean to say that she is to be Mrs. Gibson?" "I say nothing about that. But I do not see why they shouldn't be married if their hearts are inclined to each other." "I will die first!" "Your dying has nothing to do with it, Camilla." "And I will kill her!" "If you speak to me again in that way I will write to your uncle at Gloucester. I have done the best I could for you both, and I will not bear such treatment." "And how am I treated?" "You should not have interfered with your sister." "You are all in a conspiracy together," shouted Camilla, "you are! There never was anybody so badly treated,--never,--never,--never! What will everybody say of me?" "They will pity you, if you will be quiet." "I don't want to be pitied;--I won't be pitied. I wish I could die,--and I will die! Anybody else would, at any rate, have had their mother and sister with them!" Then she burst into a flood of real, true, womanly tears. After this there was a lull at Heavitree for a few days. Camilla did not speak to her sister, but she condescended to hold some intercourse with her mother, and to take her meals at the family table. She did not go out of the house, but she employed herself in her own room, doing no one knew what, with all that new clothing and household gear which was to have been transferred in her train to Mr. Gibson's house. Mrs. French was somewhat uneasy about the new clothing and household gear, feeling that, in the event of Bella's marriage, at least a considerable portion of it must be transferred to the new bride. But it was impossible at the present moment to open such a subject to Camilla;--it would have been as a proposition to a lioness respecting the taking away of her whelps. Nevertheless, the day must soon come in which something must be said about the clothing and household gear. All the property that had been sent into the house at Camilla's orders could not be allowed to remain as Camilla's perquisites, now that Camilla was not to be married. "Do you know what she is doing, my dear?" said Mrs. French to her elder daughter. "Perhaps she is picking out the marks," said Bella. "I don't think she would do that as yet," said Mrs. French. "She might just as well leave it alone," said Bella, feeling that one of the two letters would do for her. But neither of them dared to speak to her of her occupation in these first days of her despair. Mr. Gibson in the meantime remained at home, or only left his house to go to the Cathedral or to visit the narrow confines of his little parish. When he was out he felt that everybody looked at him, and it seemed to him that people whispered about him when they saw him at his usual desk in the choir. His friends passed him merely bowing to him, and he was aware that he had done that which would be regarded by every one around him as unpardonable. And yet,--what ought he to have done? He acknowledged to himself that he had been very foolish, mad,--quite demented at the moment,--when he allowed himself to think it possible that he should marry Camilla French. But having found out how mad he had been at that moment, having satisfied himself that to live with her as his wife would be impossible, was he not right to break the engagement? Could anything be so wicked as marrying a woman whom he--hated? Thus he tried to excuse himself; but yet he knew that all the world would condemn him. Life in Exeter would be impossible, if no way to social pardon could be opened for him. He was willing to do anything within bounds in mitigation of his offence. He would give up fifty pounds a year to Camilla for his life,--or he would marry Bella. Yes; he would marry Bella at once,--if Camilla would only consent, and give up that idea of stabbing some one. Bella French was not very nice in his eyes; but she was quiet, he thought, and it might be possible to live with her. Nevertheless, he told himself over and over again that the manner in which unmarried men with incomes were set upon by ladies in want of husbands was very disgraceful to the country at large. That mission to Natal which had once been offered to him would have had charms for him now, of which he had not recognised the force when he rejected it. "Do you think that he ever was really engaged to her?" Dorothy said to her aunt. Dorothy was now living in a seventh heaven of happiness, writing love-letters to Brooke Burgess every other day, and devoting to this occupation a number of hours of which she ought to have been ashamed; making her purchases for her wedding,--with nothing, however, of the magnificence of a Camilla,--but discussing everything with her aunt, who urged her on to extravagances which seemed beyond the scope of her own economical ideas; settling, or trying to settle, little difficulties which perplexed her somewhat, and wondering at her own career. She could not of course be married without the presence of her mother and sister, and her aunt,--with something of a grim courtesy,--had intimated that they should be made welcome to the house in the Close for the special occasion. But nothing had been said about Hugh. The wedding was to be in the Cathedral, and Dorothy had a little scheme in her head for meeting her brother among the aisles. He would no doubt come down with Brooke, and nothing perhaps need be said about it to Aunt Stanbury. But still it was a trouble. Her aunt had been so good that Dorothy felt that no step should be taken which would vex the old woman. It was evident enough that when permission had been given for the visit of Mrs. Stanbury and Priscilla, Hugh's name had been purposely kept back. There had been no accidental omission. Dorothy, therefore, did not dare to mention it,--and yet it was essential for her happiness that he should be there. At the present moment Miss Stanbury's intense interest in the Stanbury wedding was somewhat mitigated by the excitement occasioned by Mr. Gibson's refusal to be married. Dorothy was so shocked that she could not bring herself to believe the statement that had reached them through Martha. "Of course he was engaged to her. We all knew that," said Miss Stanbury. "I think there must have been some mistake," said Dorothy. "I don't see how he could do it." "There is no knowing what people can do, my dear, when they're hard driven. I suppose we shall have a lawsuit now, and he'll have to pay ever so much money. Well, well, well! see what a deal of trouble you might have saved!" "But he'd have done the same to me, aunt;--only, you know, I never could have taken him. Isn't it better as it is, aunt? Tell me." "I suppose young women always think it best when they can get their own ways. An old woman like me has only got to do what she is bid." "But this was best, aunt;--was it not?" "My dear, you've had your way, and let that be enough. Poor Camilla French is not allowed to have hers at all. Dear, dear, dear! I didn't think the man would ever have been such a fool to begin with;--or that he would ever have had the heart to get out of it afterwards." It astonished Dorothy to find that her aunt was not loud in reprobation of Mr. Gibson's very dreadful conduct. In the meantime Mrs. French had written to her brother at Gloucester. The maid-servant, in making Miss Camilla's bed, and in "putting the room to rights," as she called it,--which description probably was intended to cover the circumstances of an accurate search,--had discovered, hidden among some linen,--a carving knife! such a knife as is used for the cutting up of fowls; and, after two days' interval, had imparted the discovery to Mrs. French. Instant visit was made to the pantry, and it was found that a very aged but unbroken and sharply-pointed weapon was missing. Mrs. French at once accused Camilla, and Camilla, after some hesitation, admitted that it might be there. Molly, she said, was a nasty, sly, wicked thing, to go looking in her drawers, and she would never leave anything unlocked again. The knife, she declared, had been taken up-stairs, because she had wanted something very sharp to cut,--the bones of her stays. The knife was given up, but Mrs. French thought it best to write to her brother, Mr. Crump. She was in great doubt about sundry matters. Had the carving knife really pointed to a domestic tragedy;--and if so, what steps ought a poor widow to take with such a daughter? And what ought to be done about Mr. Gibson? It ran through Mrs. French's mind that unless something were done at once, Mr. Gibson would escape scot free. It was her wish that he should yet become her son-in-law. Poor Bella was entitled to her chance. But if Bella was to be disappointed,--from fear of carving knives, or for other reasons,--then there came the question whether Mr. Gibson should not be made to pay in purse for the mischief he had done. With all these thoughts and doubts running through her head, Mrs. French wrote to her brother at Gloucester. There came back an answer from Mr. Crump, in which that gentleman expressed a very strong idea that Mr. Gibson should be prosecuted for damages with the utmost virulence, and with the least possible delay. No compromise should be accepted. Mr. Crump would himself come to Exeter and see the lawyer as soon as he should be told that there was a lawyer to be seen. As to the carving knife, Mr. Crump was of opinion that it did not mean anything. Mr. Crump was a gentleman who did not believe in strong romance, but who had great trust in all pecuniary claims. The Frenches had always been genteel. The late Captain French had been an officer in the army, and at ordinary times and seasons the Frenches were rather ashamed of the Crump connection. But now the timber merchant might prove himself to be a useful friend. Mrs. French shewed her brother's letter to Bella,--and poor Bella was again sore-hearted, seeing that nothing was said in it of her claims. "It will be dreadful scandal to have it all in the papers!" said Bella. "But what can we do?" "Anything would be better than that," said Bella. "And you don't want to punish Mr. Gibson, mamma." "But, my dear, you see what your uncle says. What can I do, except go to him for advice?" "Why don't you go to Mr. Gibson yourself, mamma?" But nothing was said to Camilla about Mr. Crump;--nothing as yet. Camilla did not love Mr. Crump, but there was no other house except that of Mr. Crump's at Gloucester to which she might be sent, if it could be arranged that Mr. Gibson and Bella should be made one. Mrs. French took her eldest daughter's advice, and went to Mr. Gibson;--taking Mr. Crump's letter in her pocket. For herself she wanted nothing,--but was it not the duty of her whole life to fight for her daughters? Poor woman! If somebody would only have taught her how that duty might best be done, she would have endeavoured to obey the teaching. "You know I do not want to threaten you," she said to Mr. Gibson; "but you see what my brother says. Of course I wrote to my brother. What could a poor woman do in such circumstances except write to her brother?" "If you choose to set the bloodhounds of the law at me, of course you can," said Mr. Gibson. "I do not want to go to law at all;--God knows I do not!" said Mrs. French. Then there was a pause. "Poor dear Bella!" ejaculated Mrs. French. "Dear Bella!" echoed Mr. Gibson. "What do you mean to do about Bella?" asked Mrs. French. "I sometimes think that I had better take poison and have done with it!" said Mr. Gibson, feeling himself to be very hard pressed. CHAPTER LXXXIII. BELLA VICTRIX. Mr. Crump arrived at Exeter. Camilla was not told of his coming till the morning of the day on which he arrived; and then the tidings were communicated, because it was necessary that a change should be made in the bed-rooms. She and her sister had separate rooms when there was no visitor with them, but now Mr. Crump must be accommodated. There was a long consultation between Bella and Mrs. French, but at last it was decided that Bella should sleep with her mother. There would still be too much of the lioness about Camilla to allow of her being regarded as a safe companion through the watches of the night. "Why is Uncle Jonas coming now?" she asked. "I thought it better to ask him," said Mrs. French. After a long pause, Camilla asked another question. "Does Uncle Jonas mean to see Mr. Gibson?" "I suppose he will," said Mrs. French. "Then he will see a low, mean fellow;--the lowest, meanest fellow that ever was heard of! But that won't make much difference to Uncle Jonas. I wouldn't have him now, if he was to ask me ever so;--that I wouldn't!" Mr. Crump came, and kissed his sister and two nieces. The embrace with Camilla was not very affectionate. "So your Joe has been and jilted you?" said Uncle Jonas;--"it's like one of them clergymen. They say so many prayers, they think they may do almost anything afterwards. Another man would have had his head punched." "The less talk there is about it the better," said Camilla. On the following day Mr. Crump called by appointment on Mr. Gibson, and remained closeted with that gentleman for the greater portion of the morning. Camilla knew well that he was going, and went about the house like a perturbed spirit during his absence. There was a look about her that made them all doubt whether she was not, in truth, losing her mind. Her mother more than once went to the pantry to see that the knives were right; and, as regarded that sharp-pointed weapon, was careful to lock it up carefully out of her daughter's way. Mr. Crump had declared himself willing to take Camilla back to Gloucester, and had laughed at the obstacles which his niece might, perhaps, throw in the way of such an arrangement. "She mustn't have much luggage;--that is all," said Mr. Crump. For Mr. Crump had been made aware of the circumstances of the trousseau. About three o'clock Mr. Crump came back from Mr. Gibson's, and expressed a desire to be left alone with Camilla. Mrs. French was prepared for everything; and Mr. Crump soon found himself with his younger niece. "Camilla, my dear," said he, "this has been a bad business." "I don't know what business you mean, Uncle Jonas." "Yes, you do, my dear;--you know. And I hope it won't come too late to prove to you that young women shouldn't be too keen in setting their caps at the gentlemen. It's better for them to be hunted, than to hunt." "Uncle Jonas, I will not be insulted." "Stick to that, my dear, and you won't get into a scrape again. Now, look here. This man can never be made to marry you, anyhow." "I wouldn't touch him with a pair of tongs, if he were kneeling at my feet!" "That's right; stick to that. Of course, you wouldn't now, after all that has come and gone. No girl with any spirit would." "He's a coward and a thief, and he'll be--damned for what he has done, some of these days!" "T-ch, t-ch, t-ch! That isn't a proper way for a young lady to talk. That's cursing and swearing." "It isn't cursing and swearing;--it's what the Bible says." "Then we'll leave him to the Bible. In the meantime, Mr. Gibson wants to marry some one else, and that can't hurt you." "He may marry whom he likes;--but he shan't marry Bella--that's all!" "It is Bella that he means to marry." "Then he won't. I'll forbid the banns. I'll write to the bishop. I'll go to the church and prevent its being done. I'll make such a noise in the town that it can't be done. It's no use your looking at me like that, Uncle Jonas. I've got my own feelings, and he shall never marry Bella. It's what they have been intending all through, and it shan't be done!" "It will be done." "Uncle Jonas, I'll stab her to the heart, and him too, before I'll see it done! Though I were to be killed the next day, I would. Could you bear it?" "I'm not a young woman. Now, I'll tell you what I want you to do." "I'll not do anything." "Just pack up your things, and start with me to Gloucester to-morrow." "I--won't!" "Then you'll be carried, my dear. I'll write to your aunt, to say that you're coming; and we'll be as jolly as possible when we get you home." "I won't go to Gloucester, Uncle Jonas. I won't go away from Exeter. I won't let it be done. She shall never, never, never be that man's wife!" Nevertheless, on the day but one after this, Camilla French did go to Gloucester. Before she went, however, things had to be done in that house which almost made Mrs. French repent that she had sent for so stern an assistant. Camilla was at last told, in so many words, that the things which she had prepared for her own wedding must be given up for the wedding of her sister; and it seemed that this item in the list of her sorrows troubled her

may

How many times the word 'may' appears in the text?

As he said this, he heard a step behind them, and turning round saw Wallachia there almost before he could drop his arm. "I am sorry that I have intruded on you," she said very grimly. "Not in the least," said Mr. Glascock. "Caroline and I have had a little dispute, but we have settled it without coming to blows." "I do not suppose that an English gentleman ever absolutely strikes a lady," said Wallachia Petrie. "Not except on strong provocation," said Mr. Glascock. "In reference to wives, a stick is allowed as big as your thumb." "I have heard that it is so by the laws of England," said Wallachia. "How can you be so ridiculous, Wally!" said Caroline. "There is nothing that you would not believe." "I hope that it may never be true in your case," said Wallachia. A couple of days after this Miss Spalding found that it was absolutely necessary that she should explain the circumstances of her position to Nora. She had left Nora with the purpose of performing a very high-minded action, of sacrificing herself for the sake of her lover, of giving up all her golden prospects, and of becoming once again the bosom friend of Wallachia Petrie, with this simple consolation for her future life,--that she had refused to marry an English nobleman because the English nobleman's condition was unsuited to her. It would have been an episode in female life in which pride might be taken;--but all that was now changed. She had made her little attempt,--had made it, as she felt, in a very languid manner, and had found herself treated as a child for doing so. Of course she was happy in her ill success; of course she would have been broken-hearted had she succeeded. But, nevertheless, she was somewhat lowered in her own esteem, and it was necessary that she should acknowledge the truth to the friend whom she had consulted. A day or two had passed before she found herself alone with Nora, but when she did so she confessed her failure at once. "You told him all, then?" said Nora. "Oh yes, I told him all. That is, I could not really tell him. When the moment came I had no words." "And what did he say?" "He had words enough. I never knew him to be eloquent before." "He can speak out if he likes," said Nora. "So I have found,--with a vengeance. Nobody was ever so put down as I was. Don't you know that there are times when it does not seem to be worth your while to put out your strength against an adversary? So it was with him. He just told me that he was my master, and that I was to do as he bade me." "And what did you say?" "I promised to be a good girl," said Caroline, "and not to pretend to have any opinion of my own ever again. And so we kissed, and were friends." "I dare say there was a kiss, my dear." "Of course there was;--and he held me in his arms, and comforted me, and told me how to behave;--just as you would do a little girl. It's all over now, of course; and if there be a mistake, it is his fault. I feel that all responsibility is gone from myself, and that for all the rest of my life I have to do just what he tells me." "And what says the divine Wallachia?" "Poor Wally! She says nothing, but she thinks that I am a castaway and a recreant. I am a recreant, I know;--but yet I think that I was right. I know I could not help myself." "Of course you were right, my dear," said the sage Nora. "If you had the notion in your head, it was wise to get rid of it; but I knew how it would be when you spoke to him." "You were not so weak when he came to you." "That was altogether another thing. It was not arranged in heaven that I was to become his captive." After that Wallachia Petrie never again tried her influence on her former friend, but admitted to herself that the evil was done, and that it could not be remedied. According to her theory of life, Caroline Spalding had been wrong, and weak,--had shewn herself to be comfort-loving and luxuriously-minded, had looked to get her happiness from soft effeminate pleasures rather than from rational work and the useful, independent exercise of her own intelligence. In the privacy of her little chamber Wallachia Petrie shed,--not absolute tears,--but many tearful thoughts over her friend. It was to her a thing very terrible that the chosen one of her heart should prefer the career of an English lord's wife to that of an American citizeness, with all manner of capability for female voting, female speech-making, female poetising, and, perhaps, female political action before her. It was a thousand pities! "You may take a horse to water,"--said Wallachia to herself, thinking of the ever-freshly springing fountain of her own mind, at which Caroline Spalding would always have been made welcome freely to quench her thirst,--"but you cannot make him drink if he be not athirst." In the future she would have no friend. Never again would she subject herself to the disgrace of such a failure. But the sacrifice was to be made, and she knew that it was bootless to waste her words further on Caroline Spalding. She left Florence before the wedding, and returned alone to the land of liberty. She wrote a letter to Caroline explaining her conduct, and Caroline Spalding shewed the letter to her husband,--as one that was both loving and eloquent. "Very loving and very eloquent," he said. "But, nevertheless, one does think of sour grapes." "There I am sure you wrong her," said Caroline. CHAPTER LXXXII. MRS. FRENCH'S CARVING KNIFE. During these days there were terrible doings at Exeter. Camilla had sworn that if Mr. Gibson did not come to, there should be a tragedy, and it appeared that she was inclined to keep her word. Immediately after the receipt of her letter from Mr. Gibson she had had an interview with that gentleman in his lodgings, and had asked him his intentions. He had taken measures to fortify himself against such an attack; but, whatever those measures were, Camilla had broken through them. She had stood before him as he sat in his arm-chair, and he had been dumb in her presence. It had perhaps been well for him that the eloquence of her indignation had been so great that she had hardly been able to pause a moment for a reply. "Will you take your letter back again?" she had said. "I should be wrong to do that," he had lisped out in reply, "because it is true. As a Christian minister I could not stand with you at the altar with a lie in my mouth." In no other way did he attempt to excuse himself,--but that, twice repeated, filled up all the pause which she made for him. [Illustration: Camilla's wrath.] There never had been such a case before,--so impudent, so cruel, so gross, so uncalled for, so unmanly, so unnecessary, so unjustifiable, so damnable,--so sure of eternal condemnation! All this she said to him with loud voice, and clenched fist, and starting eyes,--regardless utterly of any listeners on the stairs, or of outside passers in the street. In very truth she was moved to a sublimity of indignation. Her low nature became nearly poetic under the wrong inflicted upon her. She was almost tempted to tear him with her hands, and inflict upon him at the moment some terrible vengeance which should be told of for ever in the annals of Exeter. A man so mean as he, so weak, so cowardly, one so little of a hero;--that he should dare to do it, and dare to sit there before her, and to say that he would do it! "Your gown shall be torn off your back, sir, and the very boys of Exeter shall drag you through the gutters!" To this threat he said nothing, but sat mute, hiding his face in his hands. "And now tell me this, sir;--is there anything between you and Bella?" But there was no voice in reply. "Answer my question, sir. I have a right to ask it." Still he said not a word. "Listen to me. Sooner than that you and she should be man and wife, I would stab her! Yes, I would;--you poor, paltry, lying, cowardly creature!" She remained with him for more than half an hour, and then banged out of the room flashing back a look of scorn at him as she went. Martha, before that day was over, had learned the whole story from Mr. Gibson's cook, and had told her mistress. "I did not think he had so much spirit in him," was Miss Stanbury's answer. Throughout Exeter the great wonder arising from the crisis was the amount of spirit which had been displayed by Mr. Gibson. When he was left alone he shook himself, and began to think that if there were danger that such interviews might occur frequently he had better leave Exeter for good. As he put his hand over his forehead, he declared to himself that a very little more of that kind of thing would kill him. When a couple of hours had passed over his head he shook himself again, and sat down and wrote a letter to his intended mother-in-law. I do not mean to complain [he said], God knows I have no right; but I cannot stand a repetition of what has occurred just now. If your younger daughter comes to see me again I must refuse to see her, and shall leave the town. I am ready to make what reparation may be possible for the mistake into which I have fallen. T. G. Mrs. French was no doubt much afraid of her younger daughter, but she was less afraid of her than were other people. Familiarity, they say, breeds contempt; and who can be so familiar with a child as its parent? She did not in her heart believe that Camilla would murder anybody, and she fully realised the conviction that, even after all that was come and gone, it would be better that one of her daughters should have a husband than that neither should be so blessed. If only Camilla could be got out of Exeter for a few months,--how good a thing it would be for them all! She had a brother in Gloucester,--if only he could be got to take Camilla for a few months! And then, too, she knew that if the true rights of her two daughters were strictly and impartially examined, Arabella's claim was much stronger than any that Camilla could put forward to the hand of Mr. Gibson. "You must not go there again, Camilla," the mother said. "I shall go whenever I please," replied the fury. "Now, Camilla, we may as well understand each other. I will not have it done. If I am provoked, I will send to your uncle at Gloucester." Now the uncle at Gloucester was a timber merchant, a man with protuberant eyes and a great square chin,--known to be a very stern man indeed, and not at all afraid of young women. "What do I care for my uncle? My uncle would take my part." "No, he would not. The truth is, Camilla, you interfered with Bella first." "Mamma, how dare you say so!" "You did, my dear. And these are the consequences." "And you mean to say that she is to be Mrs. Gibson?" "I say nothing about that. But I do not see why they shouldn't be married if their hearts are inclined to each other." "I will die first!" "Your dying has nothing to do with it, Camilla." "And I will kill her!" "If you speak to me again in that way I will write to your uncle at Gloucester. I have done the best I could for you both, and I will not bear such treatment." "And how am I treated?" "You should not have interfered with your sister." "You are all in a conspiracy together," shouted Camilla, "you are! There never was anybody so badly treated,--never,--never,--never! What will everybody say of me?" "They will pity you, if you will be quiet." "I don't want to be pitied;--I won't be pitied. I wish I could die,--and I will die! Anybody else would, at any rate, have had their mother and sister with them!" Then she burst into a flood of real, true, womanly tears. After this there was a lull at Heavitree for a few days. Camilla did not speak to her sister, but she condescended to hold some intercourse with her mother, and to take her meals at the family table. She did not go out of the house, but she employed herself in her own room, doing no one knew what, with all that new clothing and household gear which was to have been transferred in her train to Mr. Gibson's house. Mrs. French was somewhat uneasy about the new clothing and household gear, feeling that, in the event of Bella's marriage, at least a considerable portion of it must be transferred to the new bride. But it was impossible at the present moment to open such a subject to Camilla;--it would have been as a proposition to a lioness respecting the taking away of her whelps. Nevertheless, the day must soon come in which something must be said about the clothing and household gear. All the property that had been sent into the house at Camilla's orders could not be allowed to remain as Camilla's perquisites, now that Camilla was not to be married. "Do you know what she is doing, my dear?" said Mrs. French to her elder daughter. "Perhaps she is picking out the marks," said Bella. "I don't think she would do that as yet," said Mrs. French. "She might just as well leave it alone," said Bella, feeling that one of the two letters would do for her. But neither of them dared to speak to her of her occupation in these first days of her despair. Mr. Gibson in the meantime remained at home, or only left his house to go to the Cathedral or to visit the narrow confines of his little parish. When he was out he felt that everybody looked at him, and it seemed to him that people whispered about him when they saw him at his usual desk in the choir. His friends passed him merely bowing to him, and he was aware that he had done that which would be regarded by every one around him as unpardonable. And yet,--what ought he to have done? He acknowledged to himself that he had been very foolish, mad,--quite demented at the moment,--when he allowed himself to think it possible that he should marry Camilla French. But having found out how mad he had been at that moment, having satisfied himself that to live with her as his wife would be impossible, was he not right to break the engagement? Could anything be so wicked as marrying a woman whom he--hated? Thus he tried to excuse himself; but yet he knew that all the world would condemn him. Life in Exeter would be impossible, if no way to social pardon could be opened for him. He was willing to do anything within bounds in mitigation of his offence. He would give up fifty pounds a year to Camilla for his life,--or he would marry Bella. Yes; he would marry Bella at once,--if Camilla would only consent, and give up that idea of stabbing some one. Bella French was not very nice in his eyes; but she was quiet, he thought, and it might be possible to live with her. Nevertheless, he told himself over and over again that the manner in which unmarried men with incomes were set upon by ladies in want of husbands was very disgraceful to the country at large. That mission to Natal which had once been offered to him would have had charms for him now, of which he had not recognised the force when he rejected it. "Do you think that he ever was really engaged to her?" Dorothy said to her aunt. Dorothy was now living in a seventh heaven of happiness, writing love-letters to Brooke Burgess every other day, and devoting to this occupation a number of hours of which she ought to have been ashamed; making her purchases for her wedding,--with nothing, however, of the magnificence of a Camilla,--but discussing everything with her aunt, who urged her on to extravagances which seemed beyond the scope of her own economical ideas; settling, or trying to settle, little difficulties which perplexed her somewhat, and wondering at her own career. She could not of course be married without the presence of her mother and sister, and her aunt,--with something of a grim courtesy,--had intimated that they should be made welcome to the house in the Close for the special occasion. But nothing had been said about Hugh. The wedding was to be in the Cathedral, and Dorothy had a little scheme in her head for meeting her brother among the aisles. He would no doubt come down with Brooke, and nothing perhaps need be said about it to Aunt Stanbury. But still it was a trouble. Her aunt had been so good that Dorothy felt that no step should be taken which would vex the old woman. It was evident enough that when permission had been given for the visit of Mrs. Stanbury and Priscilla, Hugh's name had been purposely kept back. There had been no accidental omission. Dorothy, therefore, did not dare to mention it,--and yet it was essential for her happiness that he should be there. At the present moment Miss Stanbury's intense interest in the Stanbury wedding was somewhat mitigated by the excitement occasioned by Mr. Gibson's refusal to be married. Dorothy was so shocked that she could not bring herself to believe the statement that had reached them through Martha. "Of course he was engaged to her. We all knew that," said Miss Stanbury. "I think there must have been some mistake," said Dorothy. "I don't see how he could do it." "There is no knowing what people can do, my dear, when they're hard driven. I suppose we shall have a lawsuit now, and he'll have to pay ever so much money. Well, well, well! see what a deal of trouble you might have saved!" "But he'd have done the same to me, aunt;--only, you know, I never could have taken him. Isn't it better as it is, aunt? Tell me." "I suppose young women always think it best when they can get their own ways. An old woman like me has only got to do what she is bid." "But this was best, aunt;--was it not?" "My dear, you've had your way, and let that be enough. Poor Camilla French is not allowed to have hers at all. Dear, dear, dear! I didn't think the man would ever have been such a fool to begin with;--or that he would ever have had the heart to get out of it afterwards." It astonished Dorothy to find that her aunt was not loud in reprobation of Mr. Gibson's very dreadful conduct. In the meantime Mrs. French had written to her brother at Gloucester. The maid-servant, in making Miss Camilla's bed, and in "putting the room to rights," as she called it,--which description probably was intended to cover the circumstances of an accurate search,--had discovered, hidden among some linen,--a carving knife! such a knife as is used for the cutting up of fowls; and, after two days' interval, had imparted the discovery to Mrs. French. Instant visit was made to the pantry, and it was found that a very aged but unbroken and sharply-pointed weapon was missing. Mrs. French at once accused Camilla, and Camilla, after some hesitation, admitted that it might be there. Molly, she said, was a nasty, sly, wicked thing, to go looking in her drawers, and she would never leave anything unlocked again. The knife, she declared, had been taken up-stairs, because she had wanted something very sharp to cut,--the bones of her stays. The knife was given up, but Mrs. French thought it best to write to her brother, Mr. Crump. She was in great doubt about sundry matters. Had the carving knife really pointed to a domestic tragedy;--and if so, what steps ought a poor widow to take with such a daughter? And what ought to be done about Mr. Gibson? It ran through Mrs. French's mind that unless something were done at once, Mr. Gibson would escape scot free. It was her wish that he should yet become her son-in-law. Poor Bella was entitled to her chance. But if Bella was to be disappointed,--from fear of carving knives, or for other reasons,--then there came the question whether Mr. Gibson should not be made to pay in purse for the mischief he had done. With all these thoughts and doubts running through her head, Mrs. French wrote to her brother at Gloucester. There came back an answer from Mr. Crump, in which that gentleman expressed a very strong idea that Mr. Gibson should be prosecuted for damages with the utmost virulence, and with the least possible delay. No compromise should be accepted. Mr. Crump would himself come to Exeter and see the lawyer as soon as he should be told that there was a lawyer to be seen. As to the carving knife, Mr. Crump was of opinion that it did not mean anything. Mr. Crump was a gentleman who did not believe in strong romance, but who had great trust in all pecuniary claims. The Frenches had always been genteel. The late Captain French had been an officer in the army, and at ordinary times and seasons the Frenches were rather ashamed of the Crump connection. But now the timber merchant might prove himself to be a useful friend. Mrs. French shewed her brother's letter to Bella,--and poor Bella was again sore-hearted, seeing that nothing was said in it of her claims. "It will be dreadful scandal to have it all in the papers!" said Bella. "But what can we do?" "Anything would be better than that," said Bella. "And you don't want to punish Mr. Gibson, mamma." "But, my dear, you see what your uncle says. What can I do, except go to him for advice?" "Why don't you go to Mr. Gibson yourself, mamma?" But nothing was said to Camilla about Mr. Crump;--nothing as yet. Camilla did not love Mr. Crump, but there was no other house except that of Mr. Crump's at Gloucester to which she might be sent, if it could be arranged that Mr. Gibson and Bella should be made one. Mrs. French took her eldest daughter's advice, and went to Mr. Gibson;--taking Mr. Crump's letter in her pocket. For herself she wanted nothing,--but was it not the duty of her whole life to fight for her daughters? Poor woman! If somebody would only have taught her how that duty might best be done, she would have endeavoured to obey the teaching. "You know I do not want to threaten you," she said to Mr. Gibson; "but you see what my brother says. Of course I wrote to my brother. What could a poor woman do in such circumstances except write to her brother?" "If you choose to set the bloodhounds of the law at me, of course you can," said Mr. Gibson. "I do not want to go to law at all;--God knows I do not!" said Mrs. French. Then there was a pause. "Poor dear Bella!" ejaculated Mrs. French. "Dear Bella!" echoed Mr. Gibson. "What do you mean to do about Bella?" asked Mrs. French. "I sometimes think that I had better take poison and have done with it!" said Mr. Gibson, feeling himself to be very hard pressed. CHAPTER LXXXIII. BELLA VICTRIX. Mr. Crump arrived at Exeter. Camilla was not told of his coming till the morning of the day on which he arrived; and then the tidings were communicated, because it was necessary that a change should be made in the bed-rooms. She and her sister had separate rooms when there was no visitor with them, but now Mr. Crump must be accommodated. There was a long consultation between Bella and Mrs. French, but at last it was decided that Bella should sleep with her mother. There would still be too much of the lioness about Camilla to allow of her being regarded as a safe companion through the watches of the night. "Why is Uncle Jonas coming now?" she asked. "I thought it better to ask him," said Mrs. French. After a long pause, Camilla asked another question. "Does Uncle Jonas mean to see Mr. Gibson?" "I suppose he will," said Mrs. French. "Then he will see a low, mean fellow;--the lowest, meanest fellow that ever was heard of! But that won't make much difference to Uncle Jonas. I wouldn't have him now, if he was to ask me ever so;--that I wouldn't!" Mr. Crump came, and kissed his sister and two nieces. The embrace with Camilla was not very affectionate. "So your Joe has been and jilted you?" said Uncle Jonas;--"it's like one of them clergymen. They say so many prayers, they think they may do almost anything afterwards. Another man would have had his head punched." "The less talk there is about it the better," said Camilla. On the following day Mr. Crump called by appointment on Mr. Gibson, and remained closeted with that gentleman for the greater portion of the morning. Camilla knew well that he was going, and went about the house like a perturbed spirit during his absence. There was a look about her that made them all doubt whether she was not, in truth, losing her mind. Her mother more than once went to the pantry to see that the knives were right; and, as regarded that sharp-pointed weapon, was careful to lock it up carefully out of her daughter's way. Mr. Crump had declared himself willing to take Camilla back to Gloucester, and had laughed at the obstacles which his niece might, perhaps, throw in the way of such an arrangement. "She mustn't have much luggage;--that is all," said Mr. Crump. For Mr. Crump had been made aware of the circumstances of the trousseau. About three o'clock Mr. Crump came back from Mr. Gibson's, and expressed a desire to be left alone with Camilla. Mrs. French was prepared for everything; and Mr. Crump soon found himself with his younger niece. "Camilla, my dear," said he, "this has been a bad business." "I don't know what business you mean, Uncle Jonas." "Yes, you do, my dear;--you know. And I hope it won't come too late to prove to you that young women shouldn't be too keen in setting their caps at the gentlemen. It's better for them to be hunted, than to hunt." "Uncle Jonas, I will not be insulted." "Stick to that, my dear, and you won't get into a scrape again. Now, look here. This man can never be made to marry you, anyhow." "I wouldn't touch him with a pair of tongs, if he were kneeling at my feet!" "That's right; stick to that. Of course, you wouldn't now, after all that has come and gone. No girl with any spirit would." "He's a coward and a thief, and he'll be--damned for what he has done, some of these days!" "T-ch, t-ch, t-ch! That isn't a proper way for a young lady to talk. That's cursing and swearing." "It isn't cursing and swearing;--it's what the Bible says." "Then we'll leave him to the Bible. In the meantime, Mr. Gibson wants to marry some one else, and that can't hurt you." "He may marry whom he likes;--but he shan't marry Bella--that's all!" "It is Bella that he means to marry." "Then he won't. I'll forbid the banns. I'll write to the bishop. I'll go to the church and prevent its being done. I'll make such a noise in the town that it can't be done. It's no use your looking at me like that, Uncle Jonas. I've got my own feelings, and he shall never marry Bella. It's what they have been intending all through, and it shan't be done!" "It will be done." "Uncle Jonas, I'll stab her to the heart, and him too, before I'll see it done! Though I were to be killed the next day, I would. Could you bear it?" "I'm not a young woman. Now, I'll tell you what I want you to do." "I'll not do anything." "Just pack up your things, and start with me to Gloucester to-morrow." "I--won't!" "Then you'll be carried, my dear. I'll write to your aunt, to say that you're coming; and we'll be as jolly as possible when we get you home." "I won't go to Gloucester, Uncle Jonas. I won't go away from Exeter. I won't let it be done. She shall never, never, never be that man's wife!" Nevertheless, on the day but one after this, Camilla French did go to Gloucester. Before she went, however, things had to be done in that house which almost made Mrs. French repent that she had sent for so stern an assistant. Camilla was at last told, in so many words, that the things which she had prepared for her own wedding must be given up for the wedding of her sister; and it seemed that this item in the list of her sorrows troubled her

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As he said this, he heard a step behind them, and turning round saw Wallachia there almost before he could drop his arm. "I am sorry that I have intruded on you," she said very grimly. "Not in the least," said Mr. Glascock. "Caroline and I have had a little dispute, but we have settled it without coming to blows." "I do not suppose that an English gentleman ever absolutely strikes a lady," said Wallachia Petrie. "Not except on strong provocation," said Mr. Glascock. "In reference to wives, a stick is allowed as big as your thumb." "I have heard that it is so by the laws of England," said Wallachia. "How can you be so ridiculous, Wally!" said Caroline. "There is nothing that you would not believe." "I hope that it may never be true in your case," said Wallachia. A couple of days after this Miss Spalding found that it was absolutely necessary that she should explain the circumstances of her position to Nora. She had left Nora with the purpose of performing a very high-minded action, of sacrificing herself for the sake of her lover, of giving up all her golden prospects, and of becoming once again the bosom friend of Wallachia Petrie, with this simple consolation for her future life,--that she had refused to marry an English nobleman because the English nobleman's condition was unsuited to her. It would have been an episode in female life in which pride might be taken;--but all that was now changed. She had made her little attempt,--had made it, as she felt, in a very languid manner, and had found herself treated as a child for doing so. Of course she was happy in her ill success; of course she would have been broken-hearted had she succeeded. But, nevertheless, she was somewhat lowered in her own esteem, and it was necessary that she should acknowledge the truth to the friend whom she had consulted. A day or two had passed before she found herself alone with Nora, but when she did so she confessed her failure at once. "You told him all, then?" said Nora. "Oh yes, I told him all. That is, I could not really tell him. When the moment came I had no words." "And what did he say?" "He had words enough. I never knew him to be eloquent before." "He can speak out if he likes," said Nora. "So I have found,--with a vengeance. Nobody was ever so put down as I was. Don't you know that there are times when it does not seem to be worth your while to put out your strength against an adversary? So it was with him. He just told me that he was my master, and that I was to do as he bade me." "And what did you say?" "I promised to be a good girl," said Caroline, "and not to pretend to have any opinion of my own ever again. And so we kissed, and were friends." "I dare say there was a kiss, my dear." "Of course there was;--and he held me in his arms, and comforted me, and told me how to behave;--just as you would do a little girl. It's all over now, of course; and if there be a mistake, it is his fault. I feel that all responsibility is gone from myself, and that for all the rest of my life I have to do just what he tells me." "And what says the divine Wallachia?" "Poor Wally! She says nothing, but she thinks that I am a castaway and a recreant. I am a recreant, I know;--but yet I think that I was right. I know I could not help myself." "Of course you were right, my dear," said the sage Nora. "If you had the notion in your head, it was wise to get rid of it; but I knew how it would be when you spoke to him." "You were not so weak when he came to you." "That was altogether another thing. It was not arranged in heaven that I was to become his captive." After that Wallachia Petrie never again tried her influence on her former friend, but admitted to herself that the evil was done, and that it could not be remedied. According to her theory of life, Caroline Spalding had been wrong, and weak,--had shewn herself to be comfort-loving and luxuriously-minded, had looked to get her happiness from soft effeminate pleasures rather than from rational work and the useful, independent exercise of her own intelligence. In the privacy of her little chamber Wallachia Petrie shed,--not absolute tears,--but many tearful thoughts over her friend. It was to her a thing very terrible that the chosen one of her heart should prefer the career of an English lord's wife to that of an American citizeness, with all manner of capability for female voting, female speech-making, female poetising, and, perhaps, female political action before her. It was a thousand pities! "You may take a horse to water,"--said Wallachia to herself, thinking of the ever-freshly springing fountain of her own mind, at which Caroline Spalding would always have been made welcome freely to quench her thirst,--"but you cannot make him drink if he be not athirst." In the future she would have no friend. Never again would she subject herself to the disgrace of such a failure. But the sacrifice was to be made, and she knew that it was bootless to waste her words further on Caroline Spalding. She left Florence before the wedding, and returned alone to the land of liberty. She wrote a letter to Caroline explaining her conduct, and Caroline Spalding shewed the letter to her husband,--as one that was both loving and eloquent. "Very loving and very eloquent," he said. "But, nevertheless, one does think of sour grapes." "There I am sure you wrong her," said Caroline. CHAPTER LXXXII. MRS. FRENCH'S CARVING KNIFE. During these days there were terrible doings at Exeter. Camilla had sworn that if Mr. Gibson did not come to, there should be a tragedy, and it appeared that she was inclined to keep her word. Immediately after the receipt of her letter from Mr. Gibson she had had an interview with that gentleman in his lodgings, and had asked him his intentions. He had taken measures to fortify himself against such an attack; but, whatever those measures were, Camilla had broken through them. She had stood before him as he sat in his arm-chair, and he had been dumb in her presence. It had perhaps been well for him that the eloquence of her indignation had been so great that she had hardly been able to pause a moment for a reply. "Will you take your letter back again?" she had said. "I should be wrong to do that," he had lisped out in reply, "because it is true. As a Christian minister I could not stand with you at the altar with a lie in my mouth." In no other way did he attempt to excuse himself,--but that, twice repeated, filled up all the pause which she made for him. [Illustration: Camilla's wrath.] There never had been such a case before,--so impudent, so cruel, so gross, so uncalled for, so unmanly, so unnecessary, so unjustifiable, so damnable,--so sure of eternal condemnation! All this she said to him with loud voice, and clenched fist, and starting eyes,--regardless utterly of any listeners on the stairs, or of outside passers in the street. In very truth she was moved to a sublimity of indignation. Her low nature became nearly poetic under the wrong inflicted upon her. She was almost tempted to tear him with her hands, and inflict upon him at the moment some terrible vengeance which should be told of for ever in the annals of Exeter. A man so mean as he, so weak, so cowardly, one so little of a hero;--that he should dare to do it, and dare to sit there before her, and to say that he would do it! "Your gown shall be torn off your back, sir, and the very boys of Exeter shall drag you through the gutters!" To this threat he said nothing, but sat mute, hiding his face in his hands. "And now tell me this, sir;--is there anything between you and Bella?" But there was no voice in reply. "Answer my question, sir. I have a right to ask it." Still he said not a word. "Listen to me. Sooner than that you and she should be man and wife, I would stab her! Yes, I would;--you poor, paltry, lying, cowardly creature!" She remained with him for more than half an hour, and then banged out of the room flashing back a look of scorn at him as she went. Martha, before that day was over, had learned the whole story from Mr. Gibson's cook, and had told her mistress. "I did not think he had so much spirit in him," was Miss Stanbury's answer. Throughout Exeter the great wonder arising from the crisis was the amount of spirit which had been displayed by Mr. Gibson. When he was left alone he shook himself, and began to think that if there were danger that such interviews might occur frequently he had better leave Exeter for good. As he put his hand over his forehead, he declared to himself that a very little more of that kind of thing would kill him. When a couple of hours had passed over his head he shook himself again, and sat down and wrote a letter to his intended mother-in-law. I do not mean to complain [he said], God knows I have no right; but I cannot stand a repetition of what has occurred just now. If your younger daughter comes to see me again I must refuse to see her, and shall leave the town. I am ready to make what reparation may be possible for the mistake into which I have fallen. T. G. Mrs. French was no doubt much afraid of her younger daughter, but she was less afraid of her than were other people. Familiarity, they say, breeds contempt; and who can be so familiar with a child as its parent? She did not in her heart believe that Camilla would murder anybody, and she fully realised the conviction that, even after all that was come and gone, it would be better that one of her daughters should have a husband than that neither should be so blessed. If only Camilla could be got out of Exeter for a few months,--how good a thing it would be for them all! She had a brother in Gloucester,--if only he could be got to take Camilla for a few months! And then, too, she knew that if the true rights of her two daughters were strictly and impartially examined, Arabella's claim was much stronger than any that Camilla could put forward to the hand of Mr. Gibson. "You must not go there again, Camilla," the mother said. "I shall go whenever I please," replied the fury. "Now, Camilla, we may as well understand each other. I will not have it done. If I am provoked, I will send to your uncle at Gloucester." Now the uncle at Gloucester was a timber merchant, a man with protuberant eyes and a great square chin,--known to be a very stern man indeed, and not at all afraid of young women. "What do I care for my uncle? My uncle would take my part." "No, he would not. The truth is, Camilla, you interfered with Bella first." "Mamma, how dare you say so!" "You did, my dear. And these are the consequences." "And you mean to say that she is to be Mrs. Gibson?" "I say nothing about that. But I do not see why they shouldn't be married if their hearts are inclined to each other." "I will die first!" "Your dying has nothing to do with it, Camilla." "And I will kill her!" "If you speak to me again in that way I will write to your uncle at Gloucester. I have done the best I could for you both, and I will not bear such treatment." "And how am I treated?" "You should not have interfered with your sister." "You are all in a conspiracy together," shouted Camilla, "you are! There never was anybody so badly treated,--never,--never,--never! What will everybody say of me?" "They will pity you, if you will be quiet." "I don't want to be pitied;--I won't be pitied. I wish I could die,--and I will die! Anybody else would, at any rate, have had their mother and sister with them!" Then she burst into a flood of real, true, womanly tears. After this there was a lull at Heavitree for a few days. Camilla did not speak to her sister, but she condescended to hold some intercourse with her mother, and to take her meals at the family table. She did not go out of the house, but she employed herself in her own room, doing no one knew what, with all that new clothing and household gear which was to have been transferred in her train to Mr. Gibson's house. Mrs. French was somewhat uneasy about the new clothing and household gear, feeling that, in the event of Bella's marriage, at least a considerable portion of it must be transferred to the new bride. But it was impossible at the present moment to open such a subject to Camilla;--it would have been as a proposition to a lioness respecting the taking away of her whelps. Nevertheless, the day must soon come in which something must be said about the clothing and household gear. All the property that had been sent into the house at Camilla's orders could not be allowed to remain as Camilla's perquisites, now that Camilla was not to be married. "Do you know what she is doing, my dear?" said Mrs. French to her elder daughter. "Perhaps she is picking out the marks," said Bella. "I don't think she would do that as yet," said Mrs. French. "She might just as well leave it alone," said Bella, feeling that one of the two letters would do for her. But neither of them dared to speak to her of her occupation in these first days of her despair. Mr. Gibson in the meantime remained at home, or only left his house to go to the Cathedral or to visit the narrow confines of his little parish. When he was out he felt that everybody looked at him, and it seemed to him that people whispered about him when they saw him at his usual desk in the choir. His friends passed him merely bowing to him, and he was aware that he had done that which would be regarded by every one around him as unpardonable. And yet,--what ought he to have done? He acknowledged to himself that he had been very foolish, mad,--quite demented at the moment,--when he allowed himself to think it possible that he should marry Camilla French. But having found out how mad he had been at that moment, having satisfied himself that to live with her as his wife would be impossible, was he not right to break the engagement? Could anything be so wicked as marrying a woman whom he--hated? Thus he tried to excuse himself; but yet he knew that all the world would condemn him. Life in Exeter would be impossible, if no way to social pardon could be opened for him. He was willing to do anything within bounds in mitigation of his offence. He would give up fifty pounds a year to Camilla for his life,--or he would marry Bella. Yes; he would marry Bella at once,--if Camilla would only consent, and give up that idea of stabbing some one. Bella French was not very nice in his eyes; but she was quiet, he thought, and it might be possible to live with her. Nevertheless, he told himself over and over again that the manner in which unmarried men with incomes were set upon by ladies in want of husbands was very disgraceful to the country at large. That mission to Natal which had once been offered to him would have had charms for him now, of which he had not recognised the force when he rejected it. "Do you think that he ever was really engaged to her?" Dorothy said to her aunt. Dorothy was now living in a seventh heaven of happiness, writing love-letters to Brooke Burgess every other day, and devoting to this occupation a number of hours of which she ought to have been ashamed; making her purchases for her wedding,--with nothing, however, of the magnificence of a Camilla,--but discussing everything with her aunt, who urged her on to extravagances which seemed beyond the scope of her own economical ideas; settling, or trying to settle, little difficulties which perplexed her somewhat, and wondering at her own career. She could not of course be married without the presence of her mother and sister, and her aunt,--with something of a grim courtesy,--had intimated that they should be made welcome to the house in the Close for the special occasion. But nothing had been said about Hugh. The wedding was to be in the Cathedral, and Dorothy had a little scheme in her head for meeting her brother among the aisles. He would no doubt come down with Brooke, and nothing perhaps need be said about it to Aunt Stanbury. But still it was a trouble. Her aunt had been so good that Dorothy felt that no step should be taken which would vex the old woman. It was evident enough that when permission had been given for the visit of Mrs. Stanbury and Priscilla, Hugh's name had been purposely kept back. There had been no accidental omission. Dorothy, therefore, did not dare to mention it,--and yet it was essential for her happiness that he should be there. At the present moment Miss Stanbury's intense interest in the Stanbury wedding was somewhat mitigated by the excitement occasioned by Mr. Gibson's refusal to be married. Dorothy was so shocked that she could not bring herself to believe the statement that had reached them through Martha. "Of course he was engaged to her. We all knew that," said Miss Stanbury. "I think there must have been some mistake," said Dorothy. "I don't see how he could do it." "There is no knowing what people can do, my dear, when they're hard driven. I suppose we shall have a lawsuit now, and he'll have to pay ever so much money. Well, well, well! see what a deal of trouble you might have saved!" "But he'd have done the same to me, aunt;--only, you know, I never could have taken him. Isn't it better as it is, aunt? Tell me." "I suppose young women always think it best when they can get their own ways. An old woman like me has only got to do what she is bid." "But this was best, aunt;--was it not?" "My dear, you've had your way, and let that be enough. Poor Camilla French is not allowed to have hers at all. Dear, dear, dear! I didn't think the man would ever have been such a fool to begin with;--or that he would ever have had the heart to get out of it afterwards." It astonished Dorothy to find that her aunt was not loud in reprobation of Mr. Gibson's very dreadful conduct. In the meantime Mrs. French had written to her brother at Gloucester. The maid-servant, in making Miss Camilla's bed, and in "putting the room to rights," as she called it,--which description probably was intended to cover the circumstances of an accurate search,--had discovered, hidden among some linen,--a carving knife! such a knife as is used for the cutting up of fowls; and, after two days' interval, had imparted the discovery to Mrs. French. Instant visit was made to the pantry, and it was found that a very aged but unbroken and sharply-pointed weapon was missing. Mrs. French at once accused Camilla, and Camilla, after some hesitation, admitted that it might be there. Molly, she said, was a nasty, sly, wicked thing, to go looking in her drawers, and she would never leave anything unlocked again. The knife, she declared, had been taken up-stairs, because she had wanted something very sharp to cut,--the bones of her stays. The knife was given up, but Mrs. French thought it best to write to her brother, Mr. Crump. She was in great doubt about sundry matters. Had the carving knife really pointed to a domestic tragedy;--and if so, what steps ought a poor widow to take with such a daughter? And what ought to be done about Mr. Gibson? It ran through Mrs. French's mind that unless something were done at once, Mr. Gibson would escape scot free. It was her wish that he should yet become her son-in-law. Poor Bella was entitled to her chance. But if Bella was to be disappointed,--from fear of carving knives, or for other reasons,--then there came the question whether Mr. Gibson should not be made to pay in purse for the mischief he had done. With all these thoughts and doubts running through her head, Mrs. French wrote to her brother at Gloucester. There came back an answer from Mr. Crump, in which that gentleman expressed a very strong idea that Mr. Gibson should be prosecuted for damages with the utmost virulence, and with the least possible delay. No compromise should be accepted. Mr. Crump would himself come to Exeter and see the lawyer as soon as he should be told that there was a lawyer to be seen. As to the carving knife, Mr. Crump was of opinion that it did not mean anything. Mr. Crump was a gentleman who did not believe in strong romance, but who had great trust in all pecuniary claims. The Frenches had always been genteel. The late Captain French had been an officer in the army, and at ordinary times and seasons the Frenches were rather ashamed of the Crump connection. But now the timber merchant might prove himself to be a useful friend. Mrs. French shewed her brother's letter to Bella,--and poor Bella was again sore-hearted, seeing that nothing was said in it of her claims. "It will be dreadful scandal to have it all in the papers!" said Bella. "But what can we do?" "Anything would be better than that," said Bella. "And you don't want to punish Mr. Gibson, mamma." "But, my dear, you see what your uncle says. What can I do, except go to him for advice?" "Why don't you go to Mr. Gibson yourself, mamma?" But nothing was said to Camilla about Mr. Crump;--nothing as yet. Camilla did not love Mr. Crump, but there was no other house except that of Mr. Crump's at Gloucester to which she might be sent, if it could be arranged that Mr. Gibson and Bella should be made one. Mrs. French took her eldest daughter's advice, and went to Mr. Gibson;--taking Mr. Crump's letter in her pocket. For herself she wanted nothing,--but was it not the duty of her whole life to fight for her daughters? Poor woman! If somebody would only have taught her how that duty might best be done, she would have endeavoured to obey the teaching. "You know I do not want to threaten you," she said to Mr. Gibson; "but you see what my brother says. Of course I wrote to my brother. What could a poor woman do in such circumstances except write to her brother?" "If you choose to set the bloodhounds of the law at me, of course you can," said Mr. Gibson. "I do not want to go to law at all;--God knows I do not!" said Mrs. French. Then there was a pause. "Poor dear Bella!" ejaculated Mrs. French. "Dear Bella!" echoed Mr. Gibson. "What do you mean to do about Bella?" asked Mrs. French. "I sometimes think that I had better take poison and have done with it!" said Mr. Gibson, feeling himself to be very hard pressed. CHAPTER LXXXIII. BELLA VICTRIX. Mr. Crump arrived at Exeter. Camilla was not told of his coming till the morning of the day on which he arrived; and then the tidings were communicated, because it was necessary that a change should be made in the bed-rooms. She and her sister had separate rooms when there was no visitor with them, but now Mr. Crump must be accommodated. There was a long consultation between Bella and Mrs. French, but at last it was decided that Bella should sleep with her mother. There would still be too much of the lioness about Camilla to allow of her being regarded as a safe companion through the watches of the night. "Why is Uncle Jonas coming now?" she asked. "I thought it better to ask him," said Mrs. French. After a long pause, Camilla asked another question. "Does Uncle Jonas mean to see Mr. Gibson?" "I suppose he will," said Mrs. French. "Then he will see a low, mean fellow;--the lowest, meanest fellow that ever was heard of! But that won't make much difference to Uncle Jonas. I wouldn't have him now, if he was to ask me ever so;--that I wouldn't!" Mr. Crump came, and kissed his sister and two nieces. The embrace with Camilla was not very affectionate. "So your Joe has been and jilted you?" said Uncle Jonas;--"it's like one of them clergymen. They say so many prayers, they think they may do almost anything afterwards. Another man would have had his head punched." "The less talk there is about it the better," said Camilla. On the following day Mr. Crump called by appointment on Mr. Gibson, and remained closeted with that gentleman for the greater portion of the morning. Camilla knew well that he was going, and went about the house like a perturbed spirit during his absence. There was a look about her that made them all doubt whether she was not, in truth, losing her mind. Her mother more than once went to the pantry to see that the knives were right; and, as regarded that sharp-pointed weapon, was careful to lock it up carefully out of her daughter's way. Mr. Crump had declared himself willing to take Camilla back to Gloucester, and had laughed at the obstacles which his niece might, perhaps, throw in the way of such an arrangement. "She mustn't have much luggage;--that is all," said Mr. Crump. For Mr. Crump had been made aware of the circumstances of the trousseau. About three o'clock Mr. Crump came back from Mr. Gibson's, and expressed a desire to be left alone with Camilla. Mrs. French was prepared for everything; and Mr. Crump soon found himself with his younger niece. "Camilla, my dear," said he, "this has been a bad business." "I don't know what business you mean, Uncle Jonas." "Yes, you do, my dear;--you know. And I hope it won't come too late to prove to you that young women shouldn't be too keen in setting their caps at the gentlemen. It's better for them to be hunted, than to hunt." "Uncle Jonas, I will not be insulted." "Stick to that, my dear, and you won't get into a scrape again. Now, look here. This man can never be made to marry you, anyhow." "I wouldn't touch him with a pair of tongs, if he were kneeling at my feet!" "That's right; stick to that. Of course, you wouldn't now, after all that has come and gone. No girl with any spirit would." "He's a coward and a thief, and he'll be--damned for what he has done, some of these days!" "T-ch, t-ch, t-ch! That isn't a proper way for a young lady to talk. That's cursing and swearing." "It isn't cursing and swearing;--it's what the Bible says." "Then we'll leave him to the Bible. In the meantime, Mr. Gibson wants to marry some one else, and that can't hurt you." "He may marry whom he likes;--but he shan't marry Bella--that's all!" "It is Bella that he means to marry." "Then he won't. I'll forbid the banns. I'll write to the bishop. I'll go to the church and prevent its being done. I'll make such a noise in the town that it can't be done. It's no use your looking at me like that, Uncle Jonas. I've got my own feelings, and he shall never marry Bella. It's what they have been intending all through, and it shan't be done!" "It will be done." "Uncle Jonas, I'll stab her to the heart, and him too, before I'll see it done! Though I were to be killed the next day, I would. Could you bear it?" "I'm not a young woman. Now, I'll tell you what I want you to do." "I'll not do anything." "Just pack up your things, and start with me to Gloucester to-morrow." "I--won't!" "Then you'll be carried, my dear. I'll write to your aunt, to say that you're coming; and we'll be as jolly as possible when we get you home." "I won't go to Gloucester, Uncle Jonas. I won't go away from Exeter. I won't let it be done. She shall never, never, never be that man's wife!" Nevertheless, on the day but one after this, Camilla French did go to Gloucester. Before she went, however, things had to be done in that house which almost made Mrs. French repent that she had sent for so stern an assistant. Camilla was at last told, in so many words, that the things which she had prepared for her own wedding must be given up for the wedding of her sister; and it seemed that this item in the list of her sorrows troubled her

nation

How many times the word 'nation' appears in the text?

As he said this, he heard a step behind them, and turning round saw Wallachia there almost before he could drop his arm. "I am sorry that I have intruded on you," she said very grimly. "Not in the least," said Mr. Glascock. "Caroline and I have had a little dispute, but we have settled it without coming to blows." "I do not suppose that an English gentleman ever absolutely strikes a lady," said Wallachia Petrie. "Not except on strong provocation," said Mr. Glascock. "In reference to wives, a stick is allowed as big as your thumb." "I have heard that it is so by the laws of England," said Wallachia. "How can you be so ridiculous, Wally!" said Caroline. "There is nothing that you would not believe." "I hope that it may never be true in your case," said Wallachia. A couple of days after this Miss Spalding found that it was absolutely necessary that she should explain the circumstances of her position to Nora. She had left Nora with the purpose of performing a very high-minded action, of sacrificing herself for the sake of her lover, of giving up all her golden prospects, and of becoming once again the bosom friend of Wallachia Petrie, with this simple consolation for her future life,--that she had refused to marry an English nobleman because the English nobleman's condition was unsuited to her. It would have been an episode in female life in which pride might be taken;--but all that was now changed. She had made her little attempt,--had made it, as she felt, in a very languid manner, and had found herself treated as a child for doing so. Of course she was happy in her ill success; of course she would have been broken-hearted had she succeeded. But, nevertheless, she was somewhat lowered in her own esteem, and it was necessary that she should acknowledge the truth to the friend whom she had consulted. A day or two had passed before she found herself alone with Nora, but when she did so she confessed her failure at once. "You told him all, then?" said Nora. "Oh yes, I told him all. That is, I could not really tell him. When the moment came I had no words." "And what did he say?" "He had words enough. I never knew him to be eloquent before." "He can speak out if he likes," said Nora. "So I have found,--with a vengeance. Nobody was ever so put down as I was. Don't you know that there are times when it does not seem to be worth your while to put out your strength against an adversary? So it was with him. He just told me that he was my master, and that I was to do as he bade me." "And what did you say?" "I promised to be a good girl," said Caroline, "and not to pretend to have any opinion of my own ever again. And so we kissed, and were friends." "I dare say there was a kiss, my dear." "Of course there was;--and he held me in his arms, and comforted me, and told me how to behave;--just as you would do a little girl. It's all over now, of course; and if there be a mistake, it is his fault. I feel that all responsibility is gone from myself, and that for all the rest of my life I have to do just what he tells me." "And what says the divine Wallachia?" "Poor Wally! She says nothing, but she thinks that I am a castaway and a recreant. I am a recreant, I know;--but yet I think that I was right. I know I could not help myself." "Of course you were right, my dear," said the sage Nora. "If you had the notion in your head, it was wise to get rid of it; but I knew how it would be when you spoke to him." "You were not so weak when he came to you." "That was altogether another thing. It was not arranged in heaven that I was to become his captive." After that Wallachia Petrie never again tried her influence on her former friend, but admitted to herself that the evil was done, and that it could not be remedied. According to her theory of life, Caroline Spalding had been wrong, and weak,--had shewn herself to be comfort-loving and luxuriously-minded, had looked to get her happiness from soft effeminate pleasures rather than from rational work and the useful, independent exercise of her own intelligence. In the privacy of her little chamber Wallachia Petrie shed,--not absolute tears,--but many tearful thoughts over her friend. It was to her a thing very terrible that the chosen one of her heart should prefer the career of an English lord's wife to that of an American citizeness, with all manner of capability for female voting, female speech-making, female poetising, and, perhaps, female political action before her. It was a thousand pities! "You may take a horse to water,"--said Wallachia to herself, thinking of the ever-freshly springing fountain of her own mind, at which Caroline Spalding would always have been made welcome freely to quench her thirst,--"but you cannot make him drink if he be not athirst." In the future she would have no friend. Never again would she subject herself to the disgrace of such a failure. But the sacrifice was to be made, and she knew that it was bootless to waste her words further on Caroline Spalding. She left Florence before the wedding, and returned alone to the land of liberty. She wrote a letter to Caroline explaining her conduct, and Caroline Spalding shewed the letter to her husband,--as one that was both loving and eloquent. "Very loving and very eloquent," he said. "But, nevertheless, one does think of sour grapes." "There I am sure you wrong her," said Caroline. CHAPTER LXXXII. MRS. FRENCH'S CARVING KNIFE. During these days there were terrible doings at Exeter. Camilla had sworn that if Mr. Gibson did not come to, there should be a tragedy, and it appeared that she was inclined to keep her word. Immediately after the receipt of her letter from Mr. Gibson she had had an interview with that gentleman in his lodgings, and had asked him his intentions. He had taken measures to fortify himself against such an attack; but, whatever those measures were, Camilla had broken through them. She had stood before him as he sat in his arm-chair, and he had been dumb in her presence. It had perhaps been well for him that the eloquence of her indignation had been so great that she had hardly been able to pause a moment for a reply. "Will you take your letter back again?" she had said. "I should be wrong to do that," he had lisped out in reply, "because it is true. As a Christian minister I could not stand with you at the altar with a lie in my mouth." In no other way did he attempt to excuse himself,--but that, twice repeated, filled up all the pause which she made for him. [Illustration: Camilla's wrath.] There never had been such a case before,--so impudent, so cruel, so gross, so uncalled for, so unmanly, so unnecessary, so unjustifiable, so damnable,--so sure of eternal condemnation! All this she said to him with loud voice, and clenched fist, and starting eyes,--regardless utterly of any listeners on the stairs, or of outside passers in the street. In very truth she was moved to a sublimity of indignation. Her low nature became nearly poetic under the wrong inflicted upon her. She was almost tempted to tear him with her hands, and inflict upon him at the moment some terrible vengeance which should be told of for ever in the annals of Exeter. A man so mean as he, so weak, so cowardly, one so little of a hero;--that he should dare to do it, and dare to sit there before her, and to say that he would do it! "Your gown shall be torn off your back, sir, and the very boys of Exeter shall drag you through the gutters!" To this threat he said nothing, but sat mute, hiding his face in his hands. "And now tell me this, sir;--is there anything between you and Bella?" But there was no voice in reply. "Answer my question, sir. I have a right to ask it." Still he said not a word. "Listen to me. Sooner than that you and she should be man and wife, I would stab her! Yes, I would;--you poor, paltry, lying, cowardly creature!" She remained with him for more than half an hour, and then banged out of the room flashing back a look of scorn at him as she went. Martha, before that day was over, had learned the whole story from Mr. Gibson's cook, and had told her mistress. "I did not think he had so much spirit in him," was Miss Stanbury's answer. Throughout Exeter the great wonder arising from the crisis was the amount of spirit which had been displayed by Mr. Gibson. When he was left alone he shook himself, and began to think that if there were danger that such interviews might occur frequently he had better leave Exeter for good. As he put his hand over his forehead, he declared to himself that a very little more of that kind of thing would kill him. When a couple of hours had passed over his head he shook himself again, and sat down and wrote a letter to his intended mother-in-law. I do not mean to complain [he said], God knows I have no right; but I cannot stand a repetition of what has occurred just now. If your younger daughter comes to see me again I must refuse to see her, and shall leave the town. I am ready to make what reparation may be possible for the mistake into which I have fallen. T. G. Mrs. French was no doubt much afraid of her younger daughter, but she was less afraid of her than were other people. Familiarity, they say, breeds contempt; and who can be so familiar with a child as its parent? She did not in her heart believe that Camilla would murder anybody, and she fully realised the conviction that, even after all that was come and gone, it would be better that one of her daughters should have a husband than that neither should be so blessed. If only Camilla could be got out of Exeter for a few months,--how good a thing it would be for them all! She had a brother in Gloucester,--if only he could be got to take Camilla for a few months! And then, too, she knew that if the true rights of her two daughters were strictly and impartially examined, Arabella's claim was much stronger than any that Camilla could put forward to the hand of Mr. Gibson. "You must not go there again, Camilla," the mother said. "I shall go whenever I please," replied the fury. "Now, Camilla, we may as well understand each other. I will not have it done. If I am provoked, I will send to your uncle at Gloucester." Now the uncle at Gloucester was a timber merchant, a man with protuberant eyes and a great square chin,--known to be a very stern man indeed, and not at all afraid of young women. "What do I care for my uncle? My uncle would take my part." "No, he would not. The truth is, Camilla, you interfered with Bella first." "Mamma, how dare you say so!" "You did, my dear. And these are the consequences." "And you mean to say that she is to be Mrs. Gibson?" "I say nothing about that. But I do not see why they shouldn't be married if their hearts are inclined to each other." "I will die first!" "Your dying has nothing to do with it, Camilla." "And I will kill her!" "If you speak to me again in that way I will write to your uncle at Gloucester. I have done the best I could for you both, and I will not bear such treatment." "And how am I treated?" "You should not have interfered with your sister." "You are all in a conspiracy together," shouted Camilla, "you are! There never was anybody so badly treated,--never,--never,--never! What will everybody say of me?" "They will pity you, if you will be quiet." "I don't want to be pitied;--I won't be pitied. I wish I could die,--and I will die! Anybody else would, at any rate, have had their mother and sister with them!" Then she burst into a flood of real, true, womanly tears. After this there was a lull at Heavitree for a few days. Camilla did not speak to her sister, but she condescended to hold some intercourse with her mother, and to take her meals at the family table. She did not go out of the house, but she employed herself in her own room, doing no one knew what, with all that new clothing and household gear which was to have been transferred in her train to Mr. Gibson's house. Mrs. French was somewhat uneasy about the new clothing and household gear, feeling that, in the event of Bella's marriage, at least a considerable portion of it must be transferred to the new bride. But it was impossible at the present moment to open such a subject to Camilla;--it would have been as a proposition to a lioness respecting the taking away of her whelps. Nevertheless, the day must soon come in which something must be said about the clothing and household gear. All the property that had been sent into the house at Camilla's orders could not be allowed to remain as Camilla's perquisites, now that Camilla was not to be married. "Do you know what she is doing, my dear?" said Mrs. French to her elder daughter. "Perhaps she is picking out the marks," said Bella. "I don't think she would do that as yet," said Mrs. French. "She might just as well leave it alone," said Bella, feeling that one of the two letters would do for her. But neither of them dared to speak to her of her occupation in these first days of her despair. Mr. Gibson in the meantime remained at home, or only left his house to go to the Cathedral or to visit the narrow confines of his little parish. When he was out he felt that everybody looked at him, and it seemed to him that people whispered about him when they saw him at his usual desk in the choir. His friends passed him merely bowing to him, and he was aware that he had done that which would be regarded by every one around him as unpardonable. And yet,--what ought he to have done? He acknowledged to himself that he had been very foolish, mad,--quite demented at the moment,--when he allowed himself to think it possible that he should marry Camilla French. But having found out how mad he had been at that moment, having satisfied himself that to live with her as his wife would be impossible, was he not right to break the engagement? Could anything be so wicked as marrying a woman whom he--hated? Thus he tried to excuse himself; but yet he knew that all the world would condemn him. Life in Exeter would be impossible, if no way to social pardon could be opened for him. He was willing to do anything within bounds in mitigation of his offence. He would give up fifty pounds a year to Camilla for his life,--or he would marry Bella. Yes; he would marry Bella at once,--if Camilla would only consent, and give up that idea of stabbing some one. Bella French was not very nice in his eyes; but she was quiet, he thought, and it might be possible to live with her. Nevertheless, he told himself over and over again that the manner in which unmarried men with incomes were set upon by ladies in want of husbands was very disgraceful to the country at large. That mission to Natal which had once been offered to him would have had charms for him now, of which he had not recognised the force when he rejected it. "Do you think that he ever was really engaged to her?" Dorothy said to her aunt. Dorothy was now living in a seventh heaven of happiness, writing love-letters to Brooke Burgess every other day, and devoting to this occupation a number of hours of which she ought to have been ashamed; making her purchases for her wedding,--with nothing, however, of the magnificence of a Camilla,--but discussing everything with her aunt, who urged her on to extravagances which seemed beyond the scope of her own economical ideas; settling, or trying to settle, little difficulties which perplexed her somewhat, and wondering at her own career. She could not of course be married without the presence of her mother and sister, and her aunt,--with something of a grim courtesy,--had intimated that they should be made welcome to the house in the Close for the special occasion. But nothing had been said about Hugh. The wedding was to be in the Cathedral, and Dorothy had a little scheme in her head for meeting her brother among the aisles. He would no doubt come down with Brooke, and nothing perhaps need be said about it to Aunt Stanbury. But still it was a trouble. Her aunt had been so good that Dorothy felt that no step should be taken which would vex the old woman. It was evident enough that when permission had been given for the visit of Mrs. Stanbury and Priscilla, Hugh's name had been purposely kept back. There had been no accidental omission. Dorothy, therefore, did not dare to mention it,--and yet it was essential for her happiness that he should be there. At the present moment Miss Stanbury's intense interest in the Stanbury wedding was somewhat mitigated by the excitement occasioned by Mr. Gibson's refusal to be married. Dorothy was so shocked that she could not bring herself to believe the statement that had reached them through Martha. "Of course he was engaged to her. We all knew that," said Miss Stanbury. "I think there must have been some mistake," said Dorothy. "I don't see how he could do it." "There is no knowing what people can do, my dear, when they're hard driven. I suppose we shall have a lawsuit now, and he'll have to pay ever so much money. Well, well, well! see what a deal of trouble you might have saved!" "But he'd have done the same to me, aunt;--only, you know, I never could have taken him. Isn't it better as it is, aunt? Tell me." "I suppose young women always think it best when they can get their own ways. An old woman like me has only got to do what she is bid." "But this was best, aunt;--was it not?" "My dear, you've had your way, and let that be enough. Poor Camilla French is not allowed to have hers at all. Dear, dear, dear! I didn't think the man would ever have been such a fool to begin with;--or that he would ever have had the heart to get out of it afterwards." It astonished Dorothy to find that her aunt was not loud in reprobation of Mr. Gibson's very dreadful conduct. In the meantime Mrs. French had written to her brother at Gloucester. The maid-servant, in making Miss Camilla's bed, and in "putting the room to rights," as she called it,--which description probably was intended to cover the circumstances of an accurate search,--had discovered, hidden among some linen,--a carving knife! such a knife as is used for the cutting up of fowls; and, after two days' interval, had imparted the discovery to Mrs. French. Instant visit was made to the pantry, and it was found that a very aged but unbroken and sharply-pointed weapon was missing. Mrs. French at once accused Camilla, and Camilla, after some hesitation, admitted that it might be there. Molly, she said, was a nasty, sly, wicked thing, to go looking in her drawers, and she would never leave anything unlocked again. The knife, she declared, had been taken up-stairs, because she had wanted something very sharp to cut,--the bones of her stays. The knife was given up, but Mrs. French thought it best to write to her brother, Mr. Crump. She was in great doubt about sundry matters. Had the carving knife really pointed to a domestic tragedy;--and if so, what steps ought a poor widow to take with such a daughter? And what ought to be done about Mr. Gibson? It ran through Mrs. French's mind that unless something were done at once, Mr. Gibson would escape scot free. It was her wish that he should yet become her son-in-law. Poor Bella was entitled to her chance. But if Bella was to be disappointed,--from fear of carving knives, or for other reasons,--then there came the question whether Mr. Gibson should not be made to pay in purse for the mischief he had done. With all these thoughts and doubts running through her head, Mrs. French wrote to her brother at Gloucester. There came back an answer from Mr. Crump, in which that gentleman expressed a very strong idea that Mr. Gibson should be prosecuted for damages with the utmost virulence, and with the least possible delay. No compromise should be accepted. Mr. Crump would himself come to Exeter and see the lawyer as soon as he should be told that there was a lawyer to be seen. As to the carving knife, Mr. Crump was of opinion that it did not mean anything. Mr. Crump was a gentleman who did not believe in strong romance, but who had great trust in all pecuniary claims. The Frenches had always been genteel. The late Captain French had been an officer in the army, and at ordinary times and seasons the Frenches were rather ashamed of the Crump connection. But now the timber merchant might prove himself to be a useful friend. Mrs. French shewed her brother's letter to Bella,--and poor Bella was again sore-hearted, seeing that nothing was said in it of her claims. "It will be dreadful scandal to have it all in the papers!" said Bella. "But what can we do?" "Anything would be better than that," said Bella. "And you don't want to punish Mr. Gibson, mamma." "But, my dear, you see what your uncle says. What can I do, except go to him for advice?" "Why don't you go to Mr. Gibson yourself, mamma?" But nothing was said to Camilla about Mr. Crump;--nothing as yet. Camilla did not love Mr. Crump, but there was no other house except that of Mr. Crump's at Gloucester to which she might be sent, if it could be arranged that Mr. Gibson and Bella should be made one. Mrs. French took her eldest daughter's advice, and went to Mr. Gibson;--taking Mr. Crump's letter in her pocket. For herself she wanted nothing,--but was it not the duty of her whole life to fight for her daughters? Poor woman! If somebody would only have taught her how that duty might best be done, she would have endeavoured to obey the teaching. "You know I do not want to threaten you," she said to Mr. Gibson; "but you see what my brother says. Of course I wrote to my brother. What could a poor woman do in such circumstances except write to her brother?" "If you choose to set the bloodhounds of the law at me, of course you can," said Mr. Gibson. "I do not want to go to law at all;--God knows I do not!" said Mrs. French. Then there was a pause. "Poor dear Bella!" ejaculated Mrs. French. "Dear Bella!" echoed Mr. Gibson. "What do you mean to do about Bella?" asked Mrs. French. "I sometimes think that I had better take poison and have done with it!" said Mr. Gibson, feeling himself to be very hard pressed. CHAPTER LXXXIII. BELLA VICTRIX. Mr. Crump arrived at Exeter. Camilla was not told of his coming till the morning of the day on which he arrived; and then the tidings were communicated, because it was necessary that a change should be made in the bed-rooms. She and her sister had separate rooms when there was no visitor with them, but now Mr. Crump must be accommodated. There was a long consultation between Bella and Mrs. French, but at last it was decided that Bella should sleep with her mother. There would still be too much of the lioness about Camilla to allow of her being regarded as a safe companion through the watches of the night. "Why is Uncle Jonas coming now?" she asked. "I thought it better to ask him," said Mrs. French. After a long pause, Camilla asked another question. "Does Uncle Jonas mean to see Mr. Gibson?" "I suppose he will," said Mrs. French. "Then he will see a low, mean fellow;--the lowest, meanest fellow that ever was heard of! But that won't make much difference to Uncle Jonas. I wouldn't have him now, if he was to ask me ever so;--that I wouldn't!" Mr. Crump came, and kissed his sister and two nieces. The embrace with Camilla was not very affectionate. "So your Joe has been and jilted you?" said Uncle Jonas;--"it's like one of them clergymen. They say so many prayers, they think they may do almost anything afterwards. Another man would have had his head punched." "The less talk there is about it the better," said Camilla. On the following day Mr. Crump called by appointment on Mr. Gibson, and remained closeted with that gentleman for the greater portion of the morning. Camilla knew well that he was going, and went about the house like a perturbed spirit during his absence. There was a look about her that made them all doubt whether she was not, in truth, losing her mind. Her mother more than once went to the pantry to see that the knives were right; and, as regarded that sharp-pointed weapon, was careful to lock it up carefully out of her daughter's way. Mr. Crump had declared himself willing to take Camilla back to Gloucester, and had laughed at the obstacles which his niece might, perhaps, throw in the way of such an arrangement. "She mustn't have much luggage;--that is all," said Mr. Crump. For Mr. Crump had been made aware of the circumstances of the trousseau. About three o'clock Mr. Crump came back from Mr. Gibson's, and expressed a desire to be left alone with Camilla. Mrs. French was prepared for everything; and Mr. Crump soon found himself with his younger niece. "Camilla, my dear," said he, "this has been a bad business." "I don't know what business you mean, Uncle Jonas." "Yes, you do, my dear;--you know. And I hope it won't come too late to prove to you that young women shouldn't be too keen in setting their caps at the gentlemen. It's better for them to be hunted, than to hunt." "Uncle Jonas, I will not be insulted." "Stick to that, my dear, and you won't get into a scrape again. Now, look here. This man can never be made to marry you, anyhow." "I wouldn't touch him with a pair of tongs, if he were kneeling at my feet!" "That's right; stick to that. Of course, you wouldn't now, after all that has come and gone. No girl with any spirit would." "He's a coward and a thief, and he'll be--damned for what he has done, some of these days!" "T-ch, t-ch, t-ch! That isn't a proper way for a young lady to talk. That's cursing and swearing." "It isn't cursing and swearing;--it's what the Bible says." "Then we'll leave him to the Bible. In the meantime, Mr. Gibson wants to marry some one else, and that can't hurt you." "He may marry whom he likes;--but he shan't marry Bella--that's all!" "It is Bella that he means to marry." "Then he won't. I'll forbid the banns. I'll write to the bishop. I'll go to the church and prevent its being done. I'll make such a noise in the town that it can't be done. It's no use your looking at me like that, Uncle Jonas. I've got my own feelings, and he shall never marry Bella. It's what they have been intending all through, and it shan't be done!" "It will be done." "Uncle Jonas, I'll stab her to the heart, and him too, before I'll see it done! Though I were to be killed the next day, I would. Could you bear it?" "I'm not a young woman. Now, I'll tell you what I want you to do." "I'll not do anything." "Just pack up your things, and start with me to Gloucester to-morrow." "I--won't!" "Then you'll be carried, my dear. I'll write to your aunt, to say that you're coming; and we'll be as jolly as possible when we get you home." "I won't go to Gloucester, Uncle Jonas. I won't go away from Exeter. I won't let it be done. She shall never, never, never be that man's wife!" Nevertheless, on the day but one after this, Camilla French did go to Gloucester. Before she went, however, things had to be done in that house which almost made Mrs. French repent that she had sent for so stern an assistant. Camilla was at last told, in so many words, that the things which she had prepared for her own wedding must be given up for the wedding of her sister; and it seemed that this item in the list of her sorrows troubled her

before,--so

How many times the word 'before,--so' appears in the text?

As he said this, he heard a step behind them, and turning round saw Wallachia there almost before he could drop his arm. "I am sorry that I have intruded on you," she said very grimly. "Not in the least," said Mr. Glascock. "Caroline and I have had a little dispute, but we have settled it without coming to blows." "I do not suppose that an English gentleman ever absolutely strikes a lady," said Wallachia Petrie. "Not except on strong provocation," said Mr. Glascock. "In reference to wives, a stick is allowed as big as your thumb." "I have heard that it is so by the laws of England," said Wallachia. "How can you be so ridiculous, Wally!" said Caroline. "There is nothing that you would not believe." "I hope that it may never be true in your case," said Wallachia. A couple of days after this Miss Spalding found that it was absolutely necessary that she should explain the circumstances of her position to Nora. She had left Nora with the purpose of performing a very high-minded action, of sacrificing herself for the sake of her lover, of giving up all her golden prospects, and of becoming once again the bosom friend of Wallachia Petrie, with this simple consolation for her future life,--that she had refused to marry an English nobleman because the English nobleman's condition was unsuited to her. It would have been an episode in female life in which pride might be taken;--but all that was now changed. She had made her little attempt,--had made it, as she felt, in a very languid manner, and had found herself treated as a child for doing so. Of course she was happy in her ill success; of course she would have been broken-hearted had she succeeded. But, nevertheless, she was somewhat lowered in her own esteem, and it was necessary that she should acknowledge the truth to the friend whom she had consulted. A day or two had passed before she found herself alone with Nora, but when she did so she confessed her failure at once. "You told him all, then?" said Nora. "Oh yes, I told him all. That is, I could not really tell him. When the moment came I had no words." "And what did he say?" "He had words enough. I never knew him to be eloquent before." "He can speak out if he likes," said Nora. "So I have found,--with a vengeance. Nobody was ever so put down as I was. Don't you know that there are times when it does not seem to be worth your while to put out your strength against an adversary? So it was with him. He just told me that he was my master, and that I was to do as he bade me." "And what did you say?" "I promised to be a good girl," said Caroline, "and not to pretend to have any opinion of my own ever again. And so we kissed, and were friends." "I dare say there was a kiss, my dear." "Of course there was;--and he held me in his arms, and comforted me, and told me how to behave;--just as you would do a little girl. It's all over now, of course; and if there be a mistake, it is his fault. I feel that all responsibility is gone from myself, and that for all the rest of my life I have to do just what he tells me." "And what says the divine Wallachia?" "Poor Wally! She says nothing, but she thinks that I am a castaway and a recreant. I am a recreant, I know;--but yet I think that I was right. I know I could not help myself." "Of course you were right, my dear," said the sage Nora. "If you had the notion in your head, it was wise to get rid of it; but I knew how it would be when you spoke to him." "You were not so weak when he came to you." "That was altogether another thing. It was not arranged in heaven that I was to become his captive." After that Wallachia Petrie never again tried her influence on her former friend, but admitted to herself that the evil was done, and that it could not be remedied. According to her theory of life, Caroline Spalding had been wrong, and weak,--had shewn herself to be comfort-loving and luxuriously-minded, had looked to get her happiness from soft effeminate pleasures rather than from rational work and the useful, independent exercise of her own intelligence. In the privacy of her little chamber Wallachia Petrie shed,--not absolute tears,--but many tearful thoughts over her friend. It was to her a thing very terrible that the chosen one of her heart should prefer the career of an English lord's wife to that of an American citizeness, with all manner of capability for female voting, female speech-making, female poetising, and, perhaps, female political action before her. It was a thousand pities! "You may take a horse to water,"--said Wallachia to herself, thinking of the ever-freshly springing fountain of her own mind, at which Caroline Spalding would always have been made welcome freely to quench her thirst,--"but you cannot make him drink if he be not athirst." In the future she would have no friend. Never again would she subject herself to the disgrace of such a failure. But the sacrifice was to be made, and she knew that it was bootless to waste her words further on Caroline Spalding. She left Florence before the wedding, and returned alone to the land of liberty. She wrote a letter to Caroline explaining her conduct, and Caroline Spalding shewed the letter to her husband,--as one that was both loving and eloquent. "Very loving and very eloquent," he said. "But, nevertheless, one does think of sour grapes." "There I am sure you wrong her," said Caroline. CHAPTER LXXXII. MRS. FRENCH'S CARVING KNIFE. During these days there were terrible doings at Exeter. Camilla had sworn that if Mr. Gibson did not come to, there should be a tragedy, and it appeared that she was inclined to keep her word. Immediately after the receipt of her letter from Mr. Gibson she had had an interview with that gentleman in his lodgings, and had asked him his intentions. He had taken measures to fortify himself against such an attack; but, whatever those measures were, Camilla had broken through them. She had stood before him as he sat in his arm-chair, and he had been dumb in her presence. It had perhaps been well for him that the eloquence of her indignation had been so great that she had hardly been able to pause a moment for a reply. "Will you take your letter back again?" she had said. "I should be wrong to do that," he had lisped out in reply, "because it is true. As a Christian minister I could not stand with you at the altar with a lie in my mouth." In no other way did he attempt to excuse himself,--but that, twice repeated, filled up all the pause which she made for him. [Illustration: Camilla's wrath.] There never had been such a case before,--so impudent, so cruel, so gross, so uncalled for, so unmanly, so unnecessary, so unjustifiable, so damnable,--so sure of eternal condemnation! All this she said to him with loud voice, and clenched fist, and starting eyes,--regardless utterly of any listeners on the stairs, or of outside passers in the street. In very truth she was moved to a sublimity of indignation. Her low nature became nearly poetic under the wrong inflicted upon her. She was almost tempted to tear him with her hands, and inflict upon him at the moment some terrible vengeance which should be told of for ever in the annals of Exeter. A man so mean as he, so weak, so cowardly, one so little of a hero;--that he should dare to do it, and dare to sit there before her, and to say that he would do it! "Your gown shall be torn off your back, sir, and the very boys of Exeter shall drag you through the gutters!" To this threat he said nothing, but sat mute, hiding his face in his hands. "And now tell me this, sir;--is there anything between you and Bella?" But there was no voice in reply. "Answer my question, sir. I have a right to ask it." Still he said not a word. "Listen to me. Sooner than that you and she should be man and wife, I would stab her! Yes, I would;--you poor, paltry, lying, cowardly creature!" She remained with him for more than half an hour, and then banged out of the room flashing back a look of scorn at him as she went. Martha, before that day was over, had learned the whole story from Mr. Gibson's cook, and had told her mistress. "I did not think he had so much spirit in him," was Miss Stanbury's answer. Throughout Exeter the great wonder arising from the crisis was the amount of spirit which had been displayed by Mr. Gibson. When he was left alone he shook himself, and began to think that if there were danger that such interviews might occur frequently he had better leave Exeter for good. As he put his hand over his forehead, he declared to himself that a very little more of that kind of thing would kill him. When a couple of hours had passed over his head he shook himself again, and sat down and wrote a letter to his intended mother-in-law. I do not mean to complain [he said], God knows I have no right; but I cannot stand a repetition of what has occurred just now. If your younger daughter comes to see me again I must refuse to see her, and shall leave the town. I am ready to make what reparation may be possible for the mistake into which I have fallen. T. G. Mrs. French was no doubt much afraid of her younger daughter, but she was less afraid of her than were other people. Familiarity, they say, breeds contempt; and who can be so familiar with a child as its parent? She did not in her heart believe that Camilla would murder anybody, and she fully realised the conviction that, even after all that was come and gone, it would be better that one of her daughters should have a husband than that neither should be so blessed. If only Camilla could be got out of Exeter for a few months,--how good a thing it would be for them all! She had a brother in Gloucester,--if only he could be got to take Camilla for a few months! And then, too, she knew that if the true rights of her two daughters were strictly and impartially examined, Arabella's claim was much stronger than any that Camilla could put forward to the hand of Mr. Gibson. "You must not go there again, Camilla," the mother said. "I shall go whenever I please," replied the fury. "Now, Camilla, we may as well understand each other. I will not have it done. If I am provoked, I will send to your uncle at Gloucester." Now the uncle at Gloucester was a timber merchant, a man with protuberant eyes and a great square chin,--known to be a very stern man indeed, and not at all afraid of young women. "What do I care for my uncle? My uncle would take my part." "No, he would not. The truth is, Camilla, you interfered with Bella first." "Mamma, how dare you say so!" "You did, my dear. And these are the consequences." "And you mean to say that she is to be Mrs. Gibson?" "I say nothing about that. But I do not see why they shouldn't be married if their hearts are inclined to each other." "I will die first!" "Your dying has nothing to do with it, Camilla." "And I will kill her!" "If you speak to me again in that way I will write to your uncle at Gloucester. I have done the best I could for you both, and I will not bear such treatment." "And how am I treated?" "You should not have interfered with your sister." "You are all in a conspiracy together," shouted Camilla, "you are! There never was anybody so badly treated,--never,--never,--never! What will everybody say of me?" "They will pity you, if you will be quiet." "I don't want to be pitied;--I won't be pitied. I wish I could die,--and I will die! Anybody else would, at any rate, have had their mother and sister with them!" Then she burst into a flood of real, true, womanly tears. After this there was a lull at Heavitree for a few days. Camilla did not speak to her sister, but she condescended to hold some intercourse with her mother, and to take her meals at the family table. She did not go out of the house, but she employed herself in her own room, doing no one knew what, with all that new clothing and household gear which was to have been transferred in her train to Mr. Gibson's house. Mrs. French was somewhat uneasy about the new clothing and household gear, feeling that, in the event of Bella's marriage, at least a considerable portion of it must be transferred to the new bride. But it was impossible at the present moment to open such a subject to Camilla;--it would have been as a proposition to a lioness respecting the taking away of her whelps. Nevertheless, the day must soon come in which something must be said about the clothing and household gear. All the property that had been sent into the house at Camilla's orders could not be allowed to remain as Camilla's perquisites, now that Camilla was not to be married. "Do you know what she is doing, my dear?" said Mrs. French to her elder daughter. "Perhaps she is picking out the marks," said Bella. "I don't think she would do that as yet," said Mrs. French. "She might just as well leave it alone," said Bella, feeling that one of the two letters would do for her. But neither of them dared to speak to her of her occupation in these first days of her despair. Mr. Gibson in the meantime remained at home, or only left his house to go to the Cathedral or to visit the narrow confines of his little parish. When he was out he felt that everybody looked at him, and it seemed to him that people whispered about him when they saw him at his usual desk in the choir. His friends passed him merely bowing to him, and he was aware that he had done that which would be regarded by every one around him as unpardonable. And yet,--what ought he to have done? He acknowledged to himself that he had been very foolish, mad,--quite demented at the moment,--when he allowed himself to think it possible that he should marry Camilla French. But having found out how mad he had been at that moment, having satisfied himself that to live with her as his wife would be impossible, was he not right to break the engagement? Could anything be so wicked as marrying a woman whom he--hated? Thus he tried to excuse himself; but yet he knew that all the world would condemn him. Life in Exeter would be impossible, if no way to social pardon could be opened for him. He was willing to do anything within bounds in mitigation of his offence. He would give up fifty pounds a year to Camilla for his life,--or he would marry Bella. Yes; he would marry Bella at once,--if Camilla would only consent, and give up that idea of stabbing some one. Bella French was not very nice in his eyes; but she was quiet, he thought, and it might be possible to live with her. Nevertheless, he told himself over and over again that the manner in which unmarried men with incomes were set upon by ladies in want of husbands was very disgraceful to the country at large. That mission to Natal which had once been offered to him would have had charms for him now, of which he had not recognised the force when he rejected it. "Do you think that he ever was really engaged to her?" Dorothy said to her aunt. Dorothy was now living in a seventh heaven of happiness, writing love-letters to Brooke Burgess every other day, and devoting to this occupation a number of hours of which she ought to have been ashamed; making her purchases for her wedding,--with nothing, however, of the magnificence of a Camilla,--but discussing everything with her aunt, who urged her on to extravagances which seemed beyond the scope of her own economical ideas; settling, or trying to settle, little difficulties which perplexed her somewhat, and wondering at her own career. She could not of course be married without the presence of her mother and sister, and her aunt,--with something of a grim courtesy,--had intimated that they should be made welcome to the house in the Close for the special occasion. But nothing had been said about Hugh. The wedding was to be in the Cathedral, and Dorothy had a little scheme in her head for meeting her brother among the aisles. He would no doubt come down with Brooke, and nothing perhaps need be said about it to Aunt Stanbury. But still it was a trouble. Her aunt had been so good that Dorothy felt that no step should be taken which would vex the old woman. It was evident enough that when permission had been given for the visit of Mrs. Stanbury and Priscilla, Hugh's name had been purposely kept back. There had been no accidental omission. Dorothy, therefore, did not dare to mention it,--and yet it was essential for her happiness that he should be there. At the present moment Miss Stanbury's intense interest in the Stanbury wedding was somewhat mitigated by the excitement occasioned by Mr. Gibson's refusal to be married. Dorothy was so shocked that she could not bring herself to believe the statement that had reached them through Martha. "Of course he was engaged to her. We all knew that," said Miss Stanbury. "I think there must have been some mistake," said Dorothy. "I don't see how he could do it." "There is no knowing what people can do, my dear, when they're hard driven. I suppose we shall have a lawsuit now, and he'll have to pay ever so much money. Well, well, well! see what a deal of trouble you might have saved!" "But he'd have done the same to me, aunt;--only, you know, I never could have taken him. Isn't it better as it is, aunt? Tell me." "I suppose young women always think it best when they can get their own ways. An old woman like me has only got to do what she is bid." "But this was best, aunt;--was it not?" "My dear, you've had your way, and let that be enough. Poor Camilla French is not allowed to have hers at all. Dear, dear, dear! I didn't think the man would ever have been such a fool to begin with;--or that he would ever have had the heart to get out of it afterwards." It astonished Dorothy to find that her aunt was not loud in reprobation of Mr. Gibson's very dreadful conduct. In the meantime Mrs. French had written to her brother at Gloucester. The maid-servant, in making Miss Camilla's bed, and in "putting the room to rights," as she called it,--which description probably was intended to cover the circumstances of an accurate search,--had discovered, hidden among some linen,--a carving knife! such a knife as is used for the cutting up of fowls; and, after two days' interval, had imparted the discovery to Mrs. French. Instant visit was made to the pantry, and it was found that a very aged but unbroken and sharply-pointed weapon was missing. Mrs. French at once accused Camilla, and Camilla, after some hesitation, admitted that it might be there. Molly, she said, was a nasty, sly, wicked thing, to go looking in her drawers, and she would never leave anything unlocked again. The knife, she declared, had been taken up-stairs, because she had wanted something very sharp to cut,--the bones of her stays. The knife was given up, but Mrs. French thought it best to write to her brother, Mr. Crump. She was in great doubt about sundry matters. Had the carving knife really pointed to a domestic tragedy;--and if so, what steps ought a poor widow to take with such a daughter? And what ought to be done about Mr. Gibson? It ran through Mrs. French's mind that unless something were done at once, Mr. Gibson would escape scot free. It was her wish that he should yet become her son-in-law. Poor Bella was entitled to her chance. But if Bella was to be disappointed,--from fear of carving knives, or for other reasons,--then there came the question whether Mr. Gibson should not be made to pay in purse for the mischief he had done. With all these thoughts and doubts running through her head, Mrs. French wrote to her brother at Gloucester. There came back an answer from Mr. Crump, in which that gentleman expressed a very strong idea that Mr. Gibson should be prosecuted for damages with the utmost virulence, and with the least possible delay. No compromise should be accepted. Mr. Crump would himself come to Exeter and see the lawyer as soon as he should be told that there was a lawyer to be seen. As to the carving knife, Mr. Crump was of opinion that it did not mean anything. Mr. Crump was a gentleman who did not believe in strong romance, but who had great trust in all pecuniary claims. The Frenches had always been genteel. The late Captain French had been an officer in the army, and at ordinary times and seasons the Frenches were rather ashamed of the Crump connection. But now the timber merchant might prove himself to be a useful friend. Mrs. French shewed her brother's letter to Bella,--and poor Bella was again sore-hearted, seeing that nothing was said in it of her claims. "It will be dreadful scandal to have it all in the papers!" said Bella. "But what can we do?" "Anything would be better than that," said Bella. "And you don't want to punish Mr. Gibson, mamma." "But, my dear, you see what your uncle says. What can I do, except go to him for advice?" "Why don't you go to Mr. Gibson yourself, mamma?" But nothing was said to Camilla about Mr. Crump;--nothing as yet. Camilla did not love Mr. Crump, but there was no other house except that of Mr. Crump's at Gloucester to which she might be sent, if it could be arranged that Mr. Gibson and Bella should be made one. Mrs. French took her eldest daughter's advice, and went to Mr. Gibson;--taking Mr. Crump's letter in her pocket. For herself she wanted nothing,--but was it not the duty of her whole life to fight for her daughters? Poor woman! If somebody would only have taught her how that duty might best be done, she would have endeavoured to obey the teaching. "You know I do not want to threaten you," she said to Mr. Gibson; "but you see what my brother says. Of course I wrote to my brother. What could a poor woman do in such circumstances except write to her brother?" "If you choose to set the bloodhounds of the law at me, of course you can," said Mr. Gibson. "I do not want to go to law at all;--God knows I do not!" said Mrs. French. Then there was a pause. "Poor dear Bella!" ejaculated Mrs. French. "Dear Bella!" echoed Mr. Gibson. "What do you mean to do about Bella?" asked Mrs. French. "I sometimes think that I had better take poison and have done with it!" said Mr. Gibson, feeling himself to be very hard pressed. CHAPTER LXXXIII. BELLA VICTRIX. Mr. Crump arrived at Exeter. Camilla was not told of his coming till the morning of the day on which he arrived; and then the tidings were communicated, because it was necessary that a change should be made in the bed-rooms. She and her sister had separate rooms when there was no visitor with them, but now Mr. Crump must be accommodated. There was a long consultation between Bella and Mrs. French, but at last it was decided that Bella should sleep with her mother. There would still be too much of the lioness about Camilla to allow of her being regarded as a safe companion through the watches of the night. "Why is Uncle Jonas coming now?" she asked. "I thought it better to ask him," said Mrs. French. After a long pause, Camilla asked another question. "Does Uncle Jonas mean to see Mr. Gibson?" "I suppose he will," said Mrs. French. "Then he will see a low, mean fellow;--the lowest, meanest fellow that ever was heard of! But that won't make much difference to Uncle Jonas. I wouldn't have him now, if he was to ask me ever so;--that I wouldn't!" Mr. Crump came, and kissed his sister and two nieces. The embrace with Camilla was not very affectionate. "So your Joe has been and jilted you?" said Uncle Jonas;--"it's like one of them clergymen. They say so many prayers, they think they may do almost anything afterwards. Another man would have had his head punched." "The less talk there is about it the better," said Camilla. On the following day Mr. Crump called by appointment on Mr. Gibson, and remained closeted with that gentleman for the greater portion of the morning. Camilla knew well that he was going, and went about the house like a perturbed spirit during his absence. There was a look about her that made them all doubt whether she was not, in truth, losing her mind. Her mother more than once went to the pantry to see that the knives were right; and, as regarded that sharp-pointed weapon, was careful to lock it up carefully out of her daughter's way. Mr. Crump had declared himself willing to take Camilla back to Gloucester, and had laughed at the obstacles which his niece might, perhaps, throw in the way of such an arrangement. "She mustn't have much luggage;--that is all," said Mr. Crump. For Mr. Crump had been made aware of the circumstances of the trousseau. About three o'clock Mr. Crump came back from Mr. Gibson's, and expressed a desire to be left alone with Camilla. Mrs. French was prepared for everything; and Mr. Crump soon found himself with his younger niece. "Camilla, my dear," said he, "this has been a bad business." "I don't know what business you mean, Uncle Jonas." "Yes, you do, my dear;--you know. And I hope it won't come too late to prove to you that young women shouldn't be too keen in setting their caps at the gentlemen. It's better for them to be hunted, than to hunt." "Uncle Jonas, I will not be insulted." "Stick to that, my dear, and you won't get into a scrape again. Now, look here. This man can never be made to marry you, anyhow." "I wouldn't touch him with a pair of tongs, if he were kneeling at my feet!" "That's right; stick to that. Of course, you wouldn't now, after all that has come and gone. No girl with any spirit would." "He's a coward and a thief, and he'll be--damned for what he has done, some of these days!" "T-ch, t-ch, t-ch! That isn't a proper way for a young lady to talk. That's cursing and swearing." "It isn't cursing and swearing;--it's what the Bible says." "Then we'll leave him to the Bible. In the meantime, Mr. Gibson wants to marry some one else, and that can't hurt you." "He may marry whom he likes;--but he shan't marry Bella--that's all!" "It is Bella that he means to marry." "Then he won't. I'll forbid the banns. I'll write to the bishop. I'll go to the church and prevent its being done. I'll make such a noise in the town that it can't be done. It's no use your looking at me like that, Uncle Jonas. I've got my own feelings, and he shall never marry Bella. It's what they have been intending all through, and it shan't be done!" "It will be done." "Uncle Jonas, I'll stab her to the heart, and him too, before I'll see it done! Though I were to be killed the next day, I would. Could you bear it?" "I'm not a young woman. Now, I'll tell you what I want you to do." "I'll not do anything." "Just pack up your things, and start with me to Gloucester to-morrow." "I--won't!" "Then you'll be carried, my dear. I'll write to your aunt, to say that you're coming; and we'll be as jolly as possible when we get you home." "I won't go to Gloucester, Uncle Jonas. I won't go away from Exeter. I won't let it be done. She shall never, never, never be that man's wife!" Nevertheless, on the day but one after this, Camilla French did go to Gloucester. Before she went, however, things had to be done in that house which almost made Mrs. French repent that she had sent for so stern an assistant. Camilla was at last told, in so many words, that the things which she had prepared for her own wedding must be given up for the wedding of her sister; and it seemed that this item in the list of her sorrows troubled her

looked

How many times the word 'looked' appears in the text?

As he said this, he heard a step behind them, and turning round saw Wallachia there almost before he could drop his arm. "I am sorry that I have intruded on you," she said very grimly. "Not in the least," said Mr. Glascock. "Caroline and I have had a little dispute, but we have settled it without coming to blows." "I do not suppose that an English gentleman ever absolutely strikes a lady," said Wallachia Petrie. "Not except on strong provocation," said Mr. Glascock. "In reference to wives, a stick is allowed as big as your thumb." "I have heard that it is so by the laws of England," said Wallachia. "How can you be so ridiculous, Wally!" said Caroline. "There is nothing that you would not believe." "I hope that it may never be true in your case," said Wallachia. A couple of days after this Miss Spalding found that it was absolutely necessary that she should explain the circumstances of her position to Nora. She had left Nora with the purpose of performing a very high-minded action, of sacrificing herself for the sake of her lover, of giving up all her golden prospects, and of becoming once again the bosom friend of Wallachia Petrie, with this simple consolation for her future life,--that she had refused to marry an English nobleman because the English nobleman's condition was unsuited to her. It would have been an episode in female life in which pride might be taken;--but all that was now changed. She had made her little attempt,--had made it, as she felt, in a very languid manner, and had found herself treated as a child for doing so. Of course she was happy in her ill success; of course she would have been broken-hearted had she succeeded. But, nevertheless, she was somewhat lowered in her own esteem, and it was necessary that she should acknowledge the truth to the friend whom she had consulted. A day or two had passed before she found herself alone with Nora, but when she did so she confessed her failure at once. "You told him all, then?" said Nora. "Oh yes, I told him all. That is, I could not really tell him. When the moment came I had no words." "And what did he say?" "He had words enough. I never knew him to be eloquent before." "He can speak out if he likes," said Nora. "So I have found,--with a vengeance. Nobody was ever so put down as I was. Don't you know that there are times when it does not seem to be worth your while to put out your strength against an adversary? So it was with him. He just told me that he was my master, and that I was to do as he bade me." "And what did you say?" "I promised to be a good girl," said Caroline, "and not to pretend to have any opinion of my own ever again. And so we kissed, and were friends." "I dare say there was a kiss, my dear." "Of course there was;--and he held me in his arms, and comforted me, and told me how to behave;--just as you would do a little girl. It's all over now, of course; and if there be a mistake, it is his fault. I feel that all responsibility is gone from myself, and that for all the rest of my life I have to do just what he tells me." "And what says the divine Wallachia?" "Poor Wally! She says nothing, but she thinks that I am a castaway and a recreant. I am a recreant, I know;--but yet I think that I was right. I know I could not help myself." "Of course you were right, my dear," said the sage Nora. "If you had the notion in your head, it was wise to get rid of it; but I knew how it would be when you spoke to him." "You were not so weak when he came to you." "That was altogether another thing. It was not arranged in heaven that I was to become his captive." After that Wallachia Petrie never again tried her influence on her former friend, but admitted to herself that the evil was done, and that it could not be remedied. According to her theory of life, Caroline Spalding had been wrong, and weak,--had shewn herself to be comfort-loving and luxuriously-minded, had looked to get her happiness from soft effeminate pleasures rather than from rational work and the useful, independent exercise of her own intelligence. In the privacy of her little chamber Wallachia Petrie shed,--not absolute tears,--but many tearful thoughts over her friend. It was to her a thing very terrible that the chosen one of her heart should prefer the career of an English lord's wife to that of an American citizeness, with all manner of capability for female voting, female speech-making, female poetising, and, perhaps, female political action before her. It was a thousand pities! "You may take a horse to water,"--said Wallachia to herself, thinking of the ever-freshly springing fountain of her own mind, at which Caroline Spalding would always have been made welcome freely to quench her thirst,--"but you cannot make him drink if he be not athirst." In the future she would have no friend. Never again would she subject herself to the disgrace of such a failure. But the sacrifice was to be made, and she knew that it was bootless to waste her words further on Caroline Spalding. She left Florence before the wedding, and returned alone to the land of liberty. She wrote a letter to Caroline explaining her conduct, and Caroline Spalding shewed the letter to her husband,--as one that was both loving and eloquent. "Very loving and very eloquent," he said. "But, nevertheless, one does think of sour grapes." "There I am sure you wrong her," said Caroline. CHAPTER LXXXII. MRS. FRENCH'S CARVING KNIFE. During these days there were terrible doings at Exeter. Camilla had sworn that if Mr. Gibson did not come to, there should be a tragedy, and it appeared that she was inclined to keep her word. Immediately after the receipt of her letter from Mr. Gibson she had had an interview with that gentleman in his lodgings, and had asked him his intentions. He had taken measures to fortify himself against such an attack; but, whatever those measures were, Camilla had broken through them. She had stood before him as he sat in his arm-chair, and he had been dumb in her presence. It had perhaps been well for him that the eloquence of her indignation had been so great that she had hardly been able to pause a moment for a reply. "Will you take your letter back again?" she had said. "I should be wrong to do that," he had lisped out in reply, "because it is true. As a Christian minister I could not stand with you at the altar with a lie in my mouth." In no other way did he attempt to excuse himself,--but that, twice repeated, filled up all the pause which she made for him. [Illustration: Camilla's wrath.] There never had been such a case before,--so impudent, so cruel, so gross, so uncalled for, so unmanly, so unnecessary, so unjustifiable, so damnable,--so sure of eternal condemnation! All this she said to him with loud voice, and clenched fist, and starting eyes,--regardless utterly of any listeners on the stairs, or of outside passers in the street. In very truth she was moved to a sublimity of indignation. Her low nature became nearly poetic under the wrong inflicted upon her. She was almost tempted to tear him with her hands, and inflict upon him at the moment some terrible vengeance which should be told of for ever in the annals of Exeter. A man so mean as he, so weak, so cowardly, one so little of a hero;--that he should dare to do it, and dare to sit there before her, and to say that he would do it! "Your gown shall be torn off your back, sir, and the very boys of Exeter shall drag you through the gutters!" To this threat he said nothing, but sat mute, hiding his face in his hands. "And now tell me this, sir;--is there anything between you and Bella?" But there was no voice in reply. "Answer my question, sir. I have a right to ask it." Still he said not a word. "Listen to me. Sooner than that you and she should be man and wife, I would stab her! Yes, I would;--you poor, paltry, lying, cowardly creature!" She remained with him for more than half an hour, and then banged out of the room flashing back a look of scorn at him as she went. Martha, before that day was over, had learned the whole story from Mr. Gibson's cook, and had told her mistress. "I did not think he had so much spirit in him," was Miss Stanbury's answer. Throughout Exeter the great wonder arising from the crisis was the amount of spirit which had been displayed by Mr. Gibson. When he was left alone he shook himself, and began to think that if there were danger that such interviews might occur frequently he had better leave Exeter for good. As he put his hand over his forehead, he declared to himself that a very little more of that kind of thing would kill him. When a couple of hours had passed over his head he shook himself again, and sat down and wrote a letter to his intended mother-in-law. I do not mean to complain [he said], God knows I have no right; but I cannot stand a repetition of what has occurred just now. If your younger daughter comes to see me again I must refuse to see her, and shall leave the town. I am ready to make what reparation may be possible for the mistake into which I have fallen. T. G. Mrs. French was no doubt much afraid of her younger daughter, but she was less afraid of her than were other people. Familiarity, they say, breeds contempt; and who can be so familiar with a child as its parent? She did not in her heart believe that Camilla would murder anybody, and she fully realised the conviction that, even after all that was come and gone, it would be better that one of her daughters should have a husband than that neither should be so blessed. If only Camilla could be got out of Exeter for a few months,--how good a thing it would be for them all! She had a brother in Gloucester,--if only he could be got to take Camilla for a few months! And then, too, she knew that if the true rights of her two daughters were strictly and impartially examined, Arabella's claim was much stronger than any that Camilla could put forward to the hand of Mr. Gibson. "You must not go there again, Camilla," the mother said. "I shall go whenever I please," replied the fury. "Now, Camilla, we may as well understand each other. I will not have it done. If I am provoked, I will send to your uncle at Gloucester." Now the uncle at Gloucester was a timber merchant, a man with protuberant eyes and a great square chin,--known to be a very stern man indeed, and not at all afraid of young women. "What do I care for my uncle? My uncle would take my part." "No, he would not. The truth is, Camilla, you interfered with Bella first." "Mamma, how dare you say so!" "You did, my dear. And these are the consequences." "And you mean to say that she is to be Mrs. Gibson?" "I say nothing about that. But I do not see why they shouldn't be married if their hearts are inclined to each other." "I will die first!" "Your dying has nothing to do with it, Camilla." "And I will kill her!" "If you speak to me again in that way I will write to your uncle at Gloucester. I have done the best I could for you both, and I will not bear such treatment." "And how am I treated?" "You should not have interfered with your sister." "You are all in a conspiracy together," shouted Camilla, "you are! There never was anybody so badly treated,--never,--never,--never! What will everybody say of me?" "They will pity you, if you will be quiet." "I don't want to be pitied;--I won't be pitied. I wish I could die,--and I will die! Anybody else would, at any rate, have had their mother and sister with them!" Then she burst into a flood of real, true, womanly tears. After this there was a lull at Heavitree for a few days. Camilla did not speak to her sister, but she condescended to hold some intercourse with her mother, and to take her meals at the family table. She did not go out of the house, but she employed herself in her own room, doing no one knew what, with all that new clothing and household gear which was to have been transferred in her train to Mr. Gibson's house. Mrs. French was somewhat uneasy about the new clothing and household gear, feeling that, in the event of Bella's marriage, at least a considerable portion of it must be transferred to the new bride. But it was impossible at the present moment to open such a subject to Camilla;--it would have been as a proposition to a lioness respecting the taking away of her whelps. Nevertheless, the day must soon come in which something must be said about the clothing and household gear. All the property that had been sent into the house at Camilla's orders could not be allowed to remain as Camilla's perquisites, now that Camilla was not to be married. "Do you know what she is doing, my dear?" said Mrs. French to her elder daughter. "Perhaps she is picking out the marks," said Bella. "I don't think she would do that as yet," said Mrs. French. "She might just as well leave it alone," said Bella, feeling that one of the two letters would do for her. But neither of them dared to speak to her of her occupation in these first days of her despair. Mr. Gibson in the meantime remained at home, or only left his house to go to the Cathedral or to visit the narrow confines of his little parish. When he was out he felt that everybody looked at him, and it seemed to him that people whispered about him when they saw him at his usual desk in the choir. His friends passed him merely bowing to him, and he was aware that he had done that which would be regarded by every one around him as unpardonable. And yet,--what ought he to have done? He acknowledged to himself that he had been very foolish, mad,--quite demented at the moment,--when he allowed himself to think it possible that he should marry Camilla French. But having found out how mad he had been at that moment, having satisfied himself that to live with her as his wife would be impossible, was he not right to break the engagement? Could anything be so wicked as marrying a woman whom he--hated? Thus he tried to excuse himself; but yet he knew that all the world would condemn him. Life in Exeter would be impossible, if no way to social pardon could be opened for him. He was willing to do anything within bounds in mitigation of his offence. He would give up fifty pounds a year to Camilla for his life,--or he would marry Bella. Yes; he would marry Bella at once,--if Camilla would only consent, and give up that idea of stabbing some one. Bella French was not very nice in his eyes; but she was quiet, he thought, and it might be possible to live with her. Nevertheless, he told himself over and over again that the manner in which unmarried men with incomes were set upon by ladies in want of husbands was very disgraceful to the country at large. That mission to Natal which had once been offered to him would have had charms for him now, of which he had not recognised the force when he rejected it. "Do you think that he ever was really engaged to her?" Dorothy said to her aunt. Dorothy was now living in a seventh heaven of happiness, writing love-letters to Brooke Burgess every other day, and devoting to this occupation a number of hours of which she ought to have been ashamed; making her purchases for her wedding,--with nothing, however, of the magnificence of a Camilla,--but discussing everything with her aunt, who urged her on to extravagances which seemed beyond the scope of her own economical ideas; settling, or trying to settle, little difficulties which perplexed her somewhat, and wondering at her own career. She could not of course be married without the presence of her mother and sister, and her aunt,--with something of a grim courtesy,--had intimated that they should be made welcome to the house in the Close for the special occasion. But nothing had been said about Hugh. The wedding was to be in the Cathedral, and Dorothy had a little scheme in her head for meeting her brother among the aisles. He would no doubt come down with Brooke, and nothing perhaps need be said about it to Aunt Stanbury. But still it was a trouble. Her aunt had been so good that Dorothy felt that no step should be taken which would vex the old woman. It was evident enough that when permission had been given for the visit of Mrs. Stanbury and Priscilla, Hugh's name had been purposely kept back. There had been no accidental omission. Dorothy, therefore, did not dare to mention it,--and yet it was essential for her happiness that he should be there. At the present moment Miss Stanbury's intense interest in the Stanbury wedding was somewhat mitigated by the excitement occasioned by Mr. Gibson's refusal to be married. Dorothy was so shocked that she could not bring herself to believe the statement that had reached them through Martha. "Of course he was engaged to her. We all knew that," said Miss Stanbury. "I think there must have been some mistake," said Dorothy. "I don't see how he could do it." "There is no knowing what people can do, my dear, when they're hard driven. I suppose we shall have a lawsuit now, and he'll have to pay ever so much money. Well, well, well! see what a deal of trouble you might have saved!" "But he'd have done the same to me, aunt;--only, you know, I never could have taken him. Isn't it better as it is, aunt? Tell me." "I suppose young women always think it best when they can get their own ways. An old woman like me has only got to do what she is bid." "But this was best, aunt;--was it not?" "My dear, you've had your way, and let that be enough. Poor Camilla French is not allowed to have hers at all. Dear, dear, dear! I didn't think the man would ever have been such a fool to begin with;--or that he would ever have had the heart to get out of it afterwards." It astonished Dorothy to find that her aunt was not loud in reprobation of Mr. Gibson's very dreadful conduct. In the meantime Mrs. French had written to her brother at Gloucester. The maid-servant, in making Miss Camilla's bed, and in "putting the room to rights," as she called it,--which description probably was intended to cover the circumstances of an accurate search,--had discovered, hidden among some linen,--a carving knife! such a knife as is used for the cutting up of fowls; and, after two days' interval, had imparted the discovery to Mrs. French. Instant visit was made to the pantry, and it was found that a very aged but unbroken and sharply-pointed weapon was missing. Mrs. French at once accused Camilla, and Camilla, after some hesitation, admitted that it might be there. Molly, she said, was a nasty, sly, wicked thing, to go looking in her drawers, and she would never leave anything unlocked again. The knife, she declared, had been taken up-stairs, because she had wanted something very sharp to cut,--the bones of her stays. The knife was given up, but Mrs. French thought it best to write to her brother, Mr. Crump. She was in great doubt about sundry matters. Had the carving knife really pointed to a domestic tragedy;--and if so, what steps ought a poor widow to take with such a daughter? And what ought to be done about Mr. Gibson? It ran through Mrs. French's mind that unless something were done at once, Mr. Gibson would escape scot free. It was her wish that he should yet become her son-in-law. Poor Bella was entitled to her chance. But if Bella was to be disappointed,--from fear of carving knives, or for other reasons,--then there came the question whether Mr. Gibson should not be made to pay in purse for the mischief he had done. With all these thoughts and doubts running through her head, Mrs. French wrote to her brother at Gloucester. There came back an answer from Mr. Crump, in which that gentleman expressed a very strong idea that Mr. Gibson should be prosecuted for damages with the utmost virulence, and with the least possible delay. No compromise should be accepted. Mr. Crump would himself come to Exeter and see the lawyer as soon as he should be told that there was a lawyer to be seen. As to the carving knife, Mr. Crump was of opinion that it did not mean anything. Mr. Crump was a gentleman who did not believe in strong romance, but who had great trust in all pecuniary claims. The Frenches had always been genteel. The late Captain French had been an officer in the army, and at ordinary times and seasons the Frenches were rather ashamed of the Crump connection. But now the timber merchant might prove himself to be a useful friend. Mrs. French shewed her brother's letter to Bella,--and poor Bella was again sore-hearted, seeing that nothing was said in it of her claims. "It will be dreadful scandal to have it all in the papers!" said Bella. "But what can we do?" "Anything would be better than that," said Bella. "And you don't want to punish Mr. Gibson, mamma." "But, my dear, you see what your uncle says. What can I do, except go to him for advice?" "Why don't you go to Mr. Gibson yourself, mamma?" But nothing was said to Camilla about Mr. Crump;--nothing as yet. Camilla did not love Mr. Crump, but there was no other house except that of Mr. Crump's at Gloucester to which she might be sent, if it could be arranged that Mr. Gibson and Bella should be made one. Mrs. French took her eldest daughter's advice, and went to Mr. Gibson;--taking Mr. Crump's letter in her pocket. For herself she wanted nothing,--but was it not the duty of her whole life to fight for her daughters? Poor woman! If somebody would only have taught her how that duty might best be done, she would have endeavoured to obey the teaching. "You know I do not want to threaten you," she said to Mr. Gibson; "but you see what my brother says. Of course I wrote to my brother. What could a poor woman do in such circumstances except write to her brother?" "If you choose to set the bloodhounds of the law at me, of course you can," said Mr. Gibson. "I do not want to go to law at all;--God knows I do not!" said Mrs. French. Then there was a pause. "Poor dear Bella!" ejaculated Mrs. French. "Dear Bella!" echoed Mr. Gibson. "What do you mean to do about Bella?" asked Mrs. French. "I sometimes think that I had better take poison and have done with it!" said Mr. Gibson, feeling himself to be very hard pressed. CHAPTER LXXXIII. BELLA VICTRIX. Mr. Crump arrived at Exeter. Camilla was not told of his coming till the morning of the day on which he arrived; and then the tidings were communicated, because it was necessary that a change should be made in the bed-rooms. She and her sister had separate rooms when there was no visitor with them, but now Mr. Crump must be accommodated. There was a long consultation between Bella and Mrs. French, but at last it was decided that Bella should sleep with her mother. There would still be too much of the lioness about Camilla to allow of her being regarded as a safe companion through the watches of the night. "Why is Uncle Jonas coming now?" she asked. "I thought it better to ask him," said Mrs. French. After a long pause, Camilla asked another question. "Does Uncle Jonas mean to see Mr. Gibson?" "I suppose he will," said Mrs. French. "Then he will see a low, mean fellow;--the lowest, meanest fellow that ever was heard of! But that won't make much difference to Uncle Jonas. I wouldn't have him now, if he was to ask me ever so;--that I wouldn't!" Mr. Crump came, and kissed his sister and two nieces. The embrace with Camilla was not very affectionate. "So your Joe has been and jilted you?" said Uncle Jonas;--"it's like one of them clergymen. They say so many prayers, they think they may do almost anything afterwards. Another man would have had his head punched." "The less talk there is about it the better," said Camilla. On the following day Mr. Crump called by appointment on Mr. Gibson, and remained closeted with that gentleman for the greater portion of the morning. Camilla knew well that he was going, and went about the house like a perturbed spirit during his absence. There was a look about her that made them all doubt whether she was not, in truth, losing her mind. Her mother more than once went to the pantry to see that the knives were right; and, as regarded that sharp-pointed weapon, was careful to lock it up carefully out of her daughter's way. Mr. Crump had declared himself willing to take Camilla back to Gloucester, and had laughed at the obstacles which his niece might, perhaps, throw in the way of such an arrangement. "She mustn't have much luggage;--that is all," said Mr. Crump. For Mr. Crump had been made aware of the circumstances of the trousseau. About three o'clock Mr. Crump came back from Mr. Gibson's, and expressed a desire to be left alone with Camilla. Mrs. French was prepared for everything; and Mr. Crump soon found himself with his younger niece. "Camilla, my dear," said he, "this has been a bad business." "I don't know what business you mean, Uncle Jonas." "Yes, you do, my dear;--you know. And I hope it won't come too late to prove to you that young women shouldn't be too keen in setting their caps at the gentlemen. It's better for them to be hunted, than to hunt." "Uncle Jonas, I will not be insulted." "Stick to that, my dear, and you won't get into a scrape again. Now, look here. This man can never be made to marry you, anyhow." "I wouldn't touch him with a pair of tongs, if he were kneeling at my feet!" "That's right; stick to that. Of course, you wouldn't now, after all that has come and gone. No girl with any spirit would." "He's a coward and a thief, and he'll be--damned for what he has done, some of these days!" "T-ch, t-ch, t-ch! That isn't a proper way for a young lady to talk. That's cursing and swearing." "It isn't cursing and swearing;--it's what the Bible says." "Then we'll leave him to the Bible. In the meantime, Mr. Gibson wants to marry some one else, and that can't hurt you." "He may marry whom he likes;--but he shan't marry Bella--that's all!" "It is Bella that he means to marry." "Then he won't. I'll forbid the banns. I'll write to the bishop. I'll go to the church and prevent its being done. I'll make such a noise in the town that it can't be done. It's no use your looking at me like that, Uncle Jonas. I've got my own feelings, and he shall never marry Bella. It's what they have been intending all through, and it shan't be done!" "It will be done." "Uncle Jonas, I'll stab her to the heart, and him too, before I'll see it done! Though I were to be killed the next day, I would. Could you bear it?" "I'm not a young woman. Now, I'll tell you what I want you to do." "I'll not do anything." "Just pack up your things, and start with me to Gloucester to-morrow." "I--won't!" "Then you'll be carried, my dear. I'll write to your aunt, to say that you're coming; and we'll be as jolly as possible when we get you home." "I won't go to Gloucester, Uncle Jonas. I won't go away from Exeter. I won't let it be done. She shall never, never, never be that man's wife!" Nevertheless, on the day but one after this, Camilla French did go to Gloucester. Before she went, however, things had to be done in that house which almost made Mrs. French repent that she had sent for so stern an assistant. Camilla was at last told, in so many words, that the things which she had prepared for her own wedding must be given up for the wedding of her sister; and it seemed that this item in the list of her sorrows troubled her

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Assassins Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS "Assassins", early draft, by Larry & Andy Wachowski ASSASSINS Written by Larry and Andy Wachowski August 12, 1994 FADE IN: PERFECT SQUARE OF BLACK We know that we are looking at something because its polished surface shimmers with light. PULLING BACK, other squares are revealed; the black and white tiles of a chess board. The board rises and spins, slipping beneath us we find ourselves MOVING ACROSS the board, MOVING THROUGH a chess game. The pieces are everywhere, checking and covering other pieces. It has reached that critical moment when pieces are traded and the board begins to clear as two strategies unravel towards a final outcome. Standing above the pieces around him, we see the black king. We MOVE CLOSER TOWARDS his face, CLOSER TO his chiseled ebony features, CLOSER UNTIL we are staring into his cold black eyes... DISSOLVE TO: EXT. MARSH - SUNGLASSES - DUSK The red setting sun is reflected in the black lens. Two men are tromping through the calf-deep mud of an end- less marsh. It is fall, the first frost not far away and the foliage is brown and bare. With the red-orange ball of fire melting into the horizon, the two men at first appear as only silhouettes or shadows slogging through the mire. The man with the sunglasses walks behind the other man. He is very well-dressed in a dark suit. A .22 caliber gun, fitted with a long silencer, dangles from his hand. His name is ROBERT RATH. The other man is WILLIE KETCHAM. He is also wearing a very expensive suit though it is being destroyed by the brambles and mud. As he lifts his foot his Gucci shoe is sucked off by the mud. KETCHAM Aw-shit! He balances on one leg, holding his silk-socked foot in the air. He looks at the shoe, already filling with mud. He looks at Rath. KETCHAM How much farther? RATH Just a little ways. Up to those trees. About a half mile further into the thickening marsh there is a small cluster of trees. KETCHAM Oh, fuck it. He pulls his sock off and plunges his foot into the mud. He smiles. It feels good. He hurls the sock. Lifting his other foot he pulls his shoe off and hurls that. He grabs for the other sock, struggling to get it off, laughing at himself as he slips and falls into the mud. Rath waits, a faint smile. He manages to get the sock off and then stands digging both feet into the dark, wet earth. KETCHAM Hey, this feels kinda good. They move on, Ketcham almost playing, sinking his feet deep pulling them out to make a SPLURCHING, SUCKING NOISE. KETCHAM Hey, do you mind if I talk a little? I feel like, I don't know, talking I guess. RATH Sure. KETCHAM Funny, I've never been a talker. My wife was always getting on me about that. 'Say what you feel, tell me what's bothering you, you ve got to talk to me.' I never would though. Not really. RATH Why not? KETCHAM I don't know. Part of me wanted to but part of me always said, 'What's she going to be able to do?' I don't know. Maybe I didn't trust her. He picks up a handful of mud and begins shaping it like a snowball. KETCHAM My Margaret... I loved her but you know what? I cheated on her. All the time. I don't even know why. It wasn't the sex, Margaret was great in bed. I think if I wasn't married I wouldn't have even looked at some of those women. I knew she couldn't trust me, so how could I trust her? If she was here right now I'd think that I would tell her that I was sorry... 'course, if she were here right now, maybe I wouldn't feel like talking. He throws the mud ball at the grove of trees but they are too far. KETCHAM I think I've heard of you. RATH It's possible. KETCHAM You're pretty famous aren't you? RATH I hope not. KETCHAM I know this may seem like a strange question, but can I ask you how much the contract was for -- not to insult you or anything, I know you're a professional, but just for me, I was just wondering. RATH It's a common question. KETCHAM Oh yeah? I guess we still need to see that price tag. Like art, right? You hang some painting that looks like baby-puke in your living room only if it costs a bundle. RATH A dime. KETCHAM One hundred thousand? That's it? Jesus... Is that a lot? RATH Average. KETCHAM Shit... oh well. Ketcham laughs. KETCHAM I have been thinking about this for a long while. I knew this day was coming. I knew someday someone would make the call on me. I never thought about anyone that I had whacked. What do you call it anyway? RATH Taken. KETCHAM 'Taken.' That's nice. When I had someone taken I would call our General Contractor, transfer the money and as soon as I hung up the phone I forgot about them. RATH Everyone who plays the game knows the rules. KETCHAM That's exactly what I told myself. Ketcham laughs again. He is getting kind of giggly, like he's high. KETCHAM I always wondered what I'd be thinking at this exact moment. I imagined that I would be thinking about the fucker who contracted this, trying to figure out who it was... Something occurs to him and he looks back at Rath. RATH Don't know. That's how it works. KETCHAM That's what our General Contractor told us but how can you trust someone like that? RATH Right. KETCHAM I thought that I would be thinking about Margaret, or work, or that I'd be having these deep, profound and depressing thoughts but I'm not. I'm trying to think really profound thoughts, but I can't. It seems very funny to me. RATH What are you thinking about? KETCHAM I'm thinking about Moonpies. Ain't that funny? I haven't had a Moonpie since I was ten years old. Right now, I'm thinking how much I'd love one. RATH And an R.C. He's 'laughing' and Rath laughs with him. Ketcham suddenly stops laughing. They are nearly to the cluster of trees. KETCHAM Can I ask you something? RATH Go ahead. KETCHAM What do other guys do? He looks at the trees, his voice dying in the WIND. RATH Everyone handles it differently. Some are ready, some are not. KETCHAM Do they get down on their knees, begging and crying? RATH Some. KETCHAM When I thought about this, that was always there, in the back of my head, that image of me on my knees, crying. It wouldn't go away and it would really upset me. It was something that I could never get away from... but now, I feel it's okay. I feel good. RATH Can I ask you a question? KETCHAM Anything. RATH Why didn't you fade? KETCHAM You mean quit? RATH Yeah. KETCHAM I used to think about it. I had Margaret. She wanted kids. I thought about moving somewhere far away like, Europe. I could see all of that, the first part, the getting away but I couldn't see that next part. 'Then what?' So I'd stop thinking about it and go back to work. You understand? RATH Yeah. Ketcham smiles and looks around at the grove of birch trees. KETCHAM I always pictured that I would end in some land fill, under someone else's garbage. I kept picturing those plastic diapers filled with some baby's green shit, covering me. But this is nice... He looks at the sun, bloody red seeping into the black horizon. KETCHAM Look at that. I haven't watched the sun set in a million years. Do you mind? RATH No. Ketcham stares at the last of the light. KETCHAM Nice... real nice. With his face hidden from Rath he begins to cry. Rath watches Ketcham staring at the setting sun. Rath looks down at the gun limply held in his hand. When the sun is gone, a red glow at the bottom of a dark- ening sky, we hear the GUN, SILENCED, ONCE, then the BODY FALLING INTO THE MUD. After a beat we hear TWO MORE SHOTS. Ketcham is lying face down, already sinking into the mud, a red cloud mushrooming around his head like the red haze left by the dying sun. Rath breathes in deep and lets the air out slowly, stand- ing alone in the middle of nowhere. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT The room is dark and still. A man is standing at a wall of windows that glow from the amber wash of urban light. Snow is falling, heavy white flakes glittering in the city's electric night. The man finishes his bourbon, ICE CLINKING in the empty glass. He is slightly drunk and he sways forward until his forehead rests against the window. In the dim light, we recognize the man as Rath. Outside there is a beautiful stone church decorated for Christmas. He watches the snowflakes drift to the distant street below. He is wondering what it would feel like to let himself fall, when there is a KNOCK at the door. Crossing the room, he opens the door. Backlit by the bright hallway light is a WOMAN. She has already removed her coat and though she is only a silhouette we can see that her dress is very short and very tight. ESCORT (WOMAN) Hi. Did you call -- RATH Yes. Please come in. Her HIGH HEELS TAP against the tile foyer as she enters and he takes her coat. ESCORT Goodness, it's so dark... She reaches for the wall switch but he stops her. RATH I prefer it like this. ESCORT How can a beautiful man like you be shy? He smiles. RATH I prefer it, that's all. She moves closer to him, the sexual confidence of her body radiating like heat. ESCORT It's okay, honey. We can do it anyway you want. Rath is obviously uncomfortable. RATH Would you like a drink? ESCORT I'd love one. Whatever you're having. They move into the room, from a distance, as featureless as two shadows. She stands at the windows watching the snow-bubble of a city night. ESCORT Beautiful. He hands her the drink. Her smile is bright and perfect. ESCORT Good will towards men. Their glasses clink as he drains half his drink. If she drinks at all, we can not tell. RATH Why are you working today? ESCORT Holidays are our busiest days. No one likes to be alone on holidays. I know I don't. She touches his face, the caress and her expression of tenderness seemingly genuine. RATH You're very good at this aren't you? ESCORT I think you're supposed to answer that question. Her hand slides down his chest, but before it goes any farther Rath turns away, returning to the bar. RATH I know what you expect, but I don't want... He pours himself another drink. ESCORT That's okay, hon, I always expect the unexpected. RATH I called because I just want... I need to talk. She sits on the couch, her body language changing, as she becomes a listener. RATH I've been thinking about my life, about things I have done... What I do for a living is in some ways similiar to what you do. He sits on the other end of the couch, his words thickened by the alcohol. RATH I know that everything has a price. I want you to understand that I'm willing to pay. He takes out an envelope and puts it between them. She picks it up, glancing inside at a stack of hundred dollar bills. ESCORT For what? RATH Honesty. She puts the envelope down. RATH I just want to ask you some questions. Uncomfortable, she waits as he searches his drink for the right words. RATH Do you ever regret things you've done? ESCORT Everyone regrets something. RATH But when you finLsh a job, afterwards do you think about them? ESCORT Sometimes. RATH Do you think about their wives or their families? ESCORT No. They call me, I don't call them. If they didn't call I wouldn't exist. Rath nods. His next question is barely audible. RATH Do you ever think about starting over? ESCORT All the time. RATH Can you tell me about it? For the first time we really see her take a drink. She closes her eyes. ESCORT Sometimes I dream that I meet a man, this good, honest man and we fall in love. I imagine us living on a boat, reading books, sailing to places where no one knows who we were or cares what we did. She opens her eyes and looks at him. RATH And what if you never meet that man? She smiles. ESCORT Then, I'll sail alone. RATH Do you believe that? ESCORT Are you asking me if I believe in another life? Rath nods. ESCORT I have to. She finishes her drink. ESCORT Is that all you want? RATH Yes. She picks up the money and stands. RATH Thank you. ESCORT Anytime. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT It is the same room but now it is very cluttered, room service trays and empty liquor bottles tossed about. He has been here for a while. He is sitting at the table, staring intensely at a chess game; we see the board and all of the pieces set in the same positions as in the opening sequence. He rubs at the whiskers that have darkened his face and then finishes off another bottle of bourbon. He flings the empty bottle across the room as he reaches over the board and moves one of white knights, taking a black rook. A sequence begins, obvious, and he works through it moving both the black and white pieces. Suddenly he stops. He gets up and shifts to the other side of the board, studying the game from white's perspective. Another sequence emerges and he trades the pieces through it as he moves around the table, returning to his place behind the black king. The games reaches its end as black is check-mated. He slumps down onto the table and looks across at the white king. RATH Fuck you, Nick. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAWN Rath is at a desk where he has set up his computer office; a cellular phone is plugged into a modem with cables winding through a scrambler and then into a fax machine and the latest high-powered lap-top computer. On the table near the desk, we see the .22, dismantled and cleaned, spread out on a white towel. He types in a complicated access code sequence, then waits, staring at the blank screen. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Where have you been, Robert? RATH/SCREEN Sick. The flu. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I don't believe you. RATH I don't give a fuck -- RATH/SCREEN It's true. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I have been sitting on a contract from Cleveland for six days because of you. RATH Fuck you, fuck Cleveland, and fuck your contracts -- RATH/SCREEN I need a rest. CONTRACTOR/ SCREEN That's impossible, Robert. You're at the top of your field. These are the best contracts. To stop now would be self-destructive. He looks away from the screen and sees the chess game on the table. RATH/SCREEN Send the file. I'll have the estimate tonight. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I'm worried about you, Robert. RATH You fucking should be -- RATH/SCREEN Don't be. On the screen the word "Transmitting" appears. Rath slowly gets out of his chair. The FAX MACHINE CLICKS and HUXS to life as a photograph of a smiling, old Italian man curls onto the desk. Rath begins destroying the hotel room, smashing anything he can get his hands on. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAY Rath is in the middle of the room which he has demolished. Having showered and shaved, he is now standing naked, in the midst of the rubble, practicing the slow and graceful art of Tai Chi. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is working at the desk. He is tallying numbers, materials, totaling his estimate. Spread out over the table are several faxed photos of the old Italian, Leevio Valli, usually surrounded by bodyguards. The file details Valli's life and his daily routine. It includes: phone bills, credit card and bank account statements, driver license and vehicle registration, the real estate listing of his house and even a copy of his income tax return. Satisfied with his figures, Rath plugs the phone into the modem and makes a call. The network comes on-line as the General Contractor types: CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You're too late, Robert. Rath types. RATH/SCREEN What? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN The contract was stolen. Rath stares at the screen. RATH/SCREEN Who? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN A new player. He's using the name Nicholai. The name hits Rath and he sits, unable to breathe. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You know what must be done. The screen goes black as the network shuts down. Rath looks down at the pile of assembled facts. He lifts a credit card bill on which the name of a restaurant appears every Friday. The name of the restaurant has been circled in red pen by Rath: "Trattoria Roma." EXT. TRATTORIA ROMA - NIGHT A red awning spans the entrance of a popular Italian restaurant. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA It is a large establishment with many tables and booths. The dinner crowd is a mix of yuppies and older Italian families who have been eating here for years. Rath is sitting alone at a booth. With very subtle changes to his appearance, he looks like an older Italian. In front of him is a glass and a carafe of dark red wine. He touches neither of them. His eyes shift as he studies the room. LEEVIO VALLI pushes into the restaurant surrounded by five gorillas in Italian suits. The owner hurries to greet them, hugging, kissing, speaking only Italian. The entourage moves through the restaurant to the over- sized booth in the back. Rath does not look twice at them. Immediately he is watching everyone else, looking for the other assassin. Leevio slides into the booth as his goons stand and sit around the table, obscuring him from all parts of the room. A wine steward immediately brings a bottle of red wine and fills their glasses. A pretty waitress sets a steaming loaf of garlic bread out and a giant bowl of minestrone in front of Leevio. He tells her something and she giggles. They joke in Italian, watching her ass as she wiggles back to the kitchen. At Leevio's table the wine steward returns to fill their glasses. It is the goon standing against the wall that is the first to realize that it is not the same wine steward. He is the second assassin, much younger than Rath. His name is BAIN. He smiles. The goon reaches for his gun as -- Bain SHATTERS the BOTTLE of wine into his face. He screams. Leevio coughs a spray of minestrone, as a GUN flashes free from the white linen towel hung over the steward's arm. It happens instantly. FOUR SHOTS and the goons are dead. Leevio screams. LEEVIO Don't! A FIFTH, SIXTH and SEVENTH SHOT. Leevio's body falls forward and softly thuds on the table. Bain whips around drawing a small SEMI-AUTOMATIC WEAPON from his belt expecting an attack. Facing the screaming crowd, he begins to SHOOT anyone who moves or stands, men or women. There is chaos in the restaurant. People scream, falling to the ground, scrambling under tables. Bain is sweating, his eyes shifting wildly from one end of the room to the other. The restaurant falls quiet except for several people who are sobbing. He moves through the room, watching, searching. BAIN Don't anybody move. You move, you're dead. He passes the table Rath was sitting at, but it is empty. BAIN Come on, you chicken shit motherfucker. I know you're here. Let's go. EXT. CONCRETE PARKING GARAGE Across the street from Trattoria Roma, Rath jacks together a German assault rifle with night scope. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain looks out the window at the dark street. He turns and searches through the people huddled on the floor. He aims his gun. BAIN You! Get up! A quivering wine steward stands. He points to another. BAIN You, too! Up! EXT. PARKING GARAGE THROUGH the NIGHT SCOPE we see the front door to the restaurant open and a group of wine stewards clumped together slowly back out. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain is second from the end, both guns aimed at the stewards. One of them begins to cry. BAIN Not yet. Don't move or you're fucking dead. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath moves the scope back and forth, unable to pick out the assassin. RATH Shit. Just do them all. All of them. Shit. He can't pull the trigger. EXT. TRATTORIA STOREFRONT The group moves toward the street. BAIN Now run! Like dogs out of the gate, they bolt. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as they scatter, finding Bain in his scope. EXT. STREET A chunk of BRICK EXPLODES from the wall just behind Bain's head as he drops behind the row of parked cars along the curb. He laughs. We get the idea that Bain is enjoying this. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath looks over his scope, talking to himself. He is sweating. RATH Shit. What are you doing, old man? You're too fucking slow. He looks back into the scope and begins scanning the line of cars. RATH Okay. Which one? Which one is yours? EXT. CITY STREET Bain is crawling alongside the tightly parked cars, staying low and out of sight. He works his way up to a black Mercedes that is parked illegally next to a fire hydrant and takes out his keys. He hits the remote unlocking the doors. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath finds the fire hydrant in his scope, almost obscured by the parked Mercedes. RATH Amateur. He takes aim. EXT. CITY STREET Just as Bain starts to open the door, the front TIRE EXPLODES. Another second, the back TIRE EXPLODES. BAIN Fuck! INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath waits, steely calm, his finger on the trigger. RATH Your move. EXT. CITY STREET Bain hears the growing wail of POLICE SIRENS. Thinking for a moment, he opens the car door and pulls a long handled switchblade and a roll of electrician's tape from the glove compartment. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath sees the car light go on, but can't make out what Bain is doing. The SIRENS are GETTING LOUDER. There's a lot of them. EXT. CITY STREET Bain finishes taping the knife to his forearm and rolls his shirt sleeve down. From his pocket he takes out a Gameboy and begins playing "Tetris." INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as the police cars come racing down the street. EXT. CITY STREET The CARS SCREECH to a halt in front of the restaurant. The COPS jump out, drawing their weapons. Bain throws his guns down, raising his hands in the air. BAIN Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I give up! More CARS come SCREECHING up as the two officers hold their beads on Bain. COP Hit the ground! Face down! Spread your legs! Bain follows the orders as the second cop edges up to him, frisking him. In this position the Cop is unable to find the knife strapped to Bain's forearm, but finds the Gameboy. BAIN Hey, don't touch that! COP Shut up! The Cop twists Bain's arms behind his back, handcuffing him tightly. They drag him to his feet, a swarm of police and paramedics in the street. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath holds them in his cross hairs as they move to the police car, but is unable to get a clean shot. Bain is using the cops for cover, keeping his head low. RATH Son of a bitch. The Cops shove Bain into the back seat. Rath very quickly walks to his car, tossing his gun into the trunk. He gets in and STARTS the ENGINE. INT. PATROL CAR The two Officers are outside the car talking with the sergeant. Bain, laying low beneath the windows, peeks up at the shadowy parking garage. He smiles. The two Policemen get in the car, the second picking up the radio. The driver GUNS the ENGINE and the black and white RUMBLES down the street. COP #2 This is 181, returning with suspect involved in multiple shooting at Trattoria Roma. Repeat, en route with suspect. He hangs up the radio and looks back at Bain through the metal caging. COP #2 Jesus Christ, do you know who you shot in there? Bain almost laughs. COP #2 What are you? Some kind of a hitman? Bain looks out the window. COP #2 You know what we call guys like you? Bain looks at him. COP #2 Sizzle lean. They're gonna fry your ass. He laughs at his own joke, looking at his partner, who chuckles. EXT. CITY STREET Rath's car races down the street trying to catch up with the patrol car. INT. PATROL CAR Bain stares out the window, silent. Behind his back, he takes hold of his left thumb with his right hand. The Cop is playing with the Gameboy. With a quick jerk, he yanks the thumb out of its socket. His expression remains perfectly blank. The thumb hangs unnaturally from the hand. The skin stretches strangely as he pulls the metal cuff from his wrist. The Cop turns as the SWITCHBLADE CLICKS and Bain sticks the knife through the wire mesh, into the cop's eye. A font of blood arcs onto the windshield. Grabbing hold of the driver's shirt collar, Bain jabs the blade into the back of his neck. The driver screams trying to pull free of Bain's grip. He slams on the brakes, groping for his gun and the CAR SKIDS out of control. Bain stabs the Cop again, his GUN FIRING WILDLY as -- The patrol car starts to flip and roll. INT. RATH'S CAR Rath turns as he hears an EXPLOSION, several blocks away. The TIRES SQUEAL as he makes a hard right. EXT. STREET Orange flames lick up from the belly of the overturned patrol car. Oil black clouds billow into the night sky. Rath's car cruises past. Rath sees the back seat window shattered, kicked out. Bain is gone. RATH I'm not done yet. EXT. CITY STREET INTERSECTION A brand new cab is sitting at a red light. The cabby looks into the rearview mirror, as a pair of headlights roll up behind him. The car gets closer, the lights brighter; they don't stop. He shrieks as the CAR SMASHES INTO HIS, TEARING OFF HIS BUMPER. The cabby jumps out, rattling off a string of obscenities. Rath gets out of the white car, starting to apologize, as the cabby moves toward him. When he's close enough, Rath decks him, knocking him unconscious. He picks him up and puts him in the white car. Rath then gets in the cab and when the light changes to green, he drives off. INT. CAB Rath circles the area, turning up the cab's CB. A couple of CALLS CRACKLE through the speaker, before he hears what he's waiting for; an airport fare in this area. At the intersection of Adams and Nine. He picks up the mike. RATH This is 1242. I got it. EXT. ADAMS AND NINE It is a deserted intersection. The buildings are dark and some of the street lights are out. The cab sits by itself, ENGINE RUNNING, its taillights glowing through the exhaust. INT. CAB Rath holds his gun cocked beneath his coat. His other hand grips the door handle. As he waits, watching the intersection, he notices the cabby's ID pinned to the dashboard. Leaving the gun in his jacket, he reaches for the ID card. He rips it from the dash and as he drops it under the seat, the door behind him opens. Someone gets in and closes the door. Rath peers into the rearview mirror. It is Bain. For the first time we realize that the front and back of the cab is separated by an inch of bullet proof glass. There is an awkward silence as Rath sits, unsure. Bain looks at him. BAIN Is there a problem? RATH No. No problem. The airport, right? BAIN Right. The cab pulls out of the intersection. INT. CAB Rath studies Bain. There is a thin line of blood down his temple. Bain is oblivious to it and pulls out his Gameboy, resuming his game of Tetris. RATH How'd you cut yourself? Their voices are distorted through the small electric amplifier set in the bullet proof glass near the metal money exchanger. Bain touches the blood on his forehead, looking at it a bit surprised. BAIN Oh? Working. A little accident. He wipes it off as best he can. RATH You a waiter? You look like a waiter. Bain is uninterested. BAIN Yeah. Yeah, I'm a waiter. RATH Where?

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How many times the word 'rip' appears in the text?

Assassins Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS "Assassins", early draft, by Larry & Andy Wachowski ASSASSINS Written by Larry and Andy Wachowski August 12, 1994 FADE IN: PERFECT SQUARE OF BLACK We know that we are looking at something because its polished surface shimmers with light. PULLING BACK, other squares are revealed; the black and white tiles of a chess board. The board rises and spins, slipping beneath us we find ourselves MOVING ACROSS the board, MOVING THROUGH a chess game. The pieces are everywhere, checking and covering other pieces. It has reached that critical moment when pieces are traded and the board begins to clear as two strategies unravel towards a final outcome. Standing above the pieces around him, we see the black king. We MOVE CLOSER TOWARDS his face, CLOSER TO his chiseled ebony features, CLOSER UNTIL we are staring into his cold black eyes... DISSOLVE TO: EXT. MARSH - SUNGLASSES - DUSK The red setting sun is reflected in the black lens. Two men are tromping through the calf-deep mud of an end- less marsh. It is fall, the first frost not far away and the foliage is brown and bare. With the red-orange ball of fire melting into the horizon, the two men at first appear as only silhouettes or shadows slogging through the mire. The man with the sunglasses walks behind the other man. He is very well-dressed in a dark suit. A .22 caliber gun, fitted with a long silencer, dangles from his hand. His name is ROBERT RATH. The other man is WILLIE KETCHAM. He is also wearing a very expensive suit though it is being destroyed by the brambles and mud. As he lifts his foot his Gucci shoe is sucked off by the mud. KETCHAM Aw-shit! He balances on one leg, holding his silk-socked foot in the air. He looks at the shoe, already filling with mud. He looks at Rath. KETCHAM How much farther? RATH Just a little ways. Up to those trees. About a half mile further into the thickening marsh there is a small cluster of trees. KETCHAM Oh, fuck it. He pulls his sock off and plunges his foot into the mud. He smiles. It feels good. He hurls the sock. Lifting his other foot he pulls his shoe off and hurls that. He grabs for the other sock, struggling to get it off, laughing at himself as he slips and falls into the mud. Rath waits, a faint smile. He manages to get the sock off and then stands digging both feet into the dark, wet earth. KETCHAM Hey, this feels kinda good. They move on, Ketcham almost playing, sinking his feet deep pulling them out to make a SPLURCHING, SUCKING NOISE. KETCHAM Hey, do you mind if I talk a little? I feel like, I don't know, talking I guess. RATH Sure. KETCHAM Funny, I've never been a talker. My wife was always getting on me about that. 'Say what you feel, tell me what's bothering you, you ve got to talk to me.' I never would though. Not really. RATH Why not? KETCHAM I don't know. Part of me wanted to but part of me always said, 'What's she going to be able to do?' I don't know. Maybe I didn't trust her. He picks up a handful of mud and begins shaping it like a snowball. KETCHAM My Margaret... I loved her but you know what? I cheated on her. All the time. I don't even know why. It wasn't the sex, Margaret was great in bed. I think if I wasn't married I wouldn't have even looked at some of those women. I knew she couldn't trust me, so how could I trust her? If she was here right now I'd think that I would tell her that I was sorry... 'course, if she were here right now, maybe I wouldn't feel like talking. He throws the mud ball at the grove of trees but they are too far. KETCHAM I think I've heard of you. RATH It's possible. KETCHAM You're pretty famous aren't you? RATH I hope not. KETCHAM I know this may seem like a strange question, but can I ask you how much the contract was for -- not to insult you or anything, I know you're a professional, but just for me, I was just wondering. RATH It's a common question. KETCHAM Oh yeah? I guess we still need to see that price tag. Like art, right? You hang some painting that looks like baby-puke in your living room only if it costs a bundle. RATH A dime. KETCHAM One hundred thousand? That's it? Jesus... Is that a lot? RATH Average. KETCHAM Shit... oh well. Ketcham laughs. KETCHAM I have been thinking about this for a long while. I knew this day was coming. I knew someday someone would make the call on me. I never thought about anyone that I had whacked. What do you call it anyway? RATH Taken. KETCHAM 'Taken.' That's nice. When I had someone taken I would call our General Contractor, transfer the money and as soon as I hung up the phone I forgot about them. RATH Everyone who plays the game knows the rules. KETCHAM That's exactly what I told myself. Ketcham laughs again. He is getting kind of giggly, like he's high. KETCHAM I always wondered what I'd be thinking at this exact moment. I imagined that I would be thinking about the fucker who contracted this, trying to figure out who it was... Something occurs to him and he looks back at Rath. RATH Don't know. That's how it works. KETCHAM That's what our General Contractor told us but how can you trust someone like that? RATH Right. KETCHAM I thought that I would be thinking about Margaret, or work, or that I'd be having these deep, profound and depressing thoughts but I'm not. I'm trying to think really profound thoughts, but I can't. It seems very funny to me. RATH What are you thinking about? KETCHAM I'm thinking about Moonpies. Ain't that funny? I haven't had a Moonpie since I was ten years old. Right now, I'm thinking how much I'd love one. RATH And an R.C. He's 'laughing' and Rath laughs with him. Ketcham suddenly stops laughing. They are nearly to the cluster of trees. KETCHAM Can I ask you something? RATH Go ahead. KETCHAM What do other guys do? He looks at the trees, his voice dying in the WIND. RATH Everyone handles it differently. Some are ready, some are not. KETCHAM Do they get down on their knees, begging and crying? RATH Some. KETCHAM When I thought about this, that was always there, in the back of my head, that image of me on my knees, crying. It wouldn't go away and it would really upset me. It was something that I could never get away from... but now, I feel it's okay. I feel good. RATH Can I ask you a question? KETCHAM Anything. RATH Why didn't you fade? KETCHAM You mean quit? RATH Yeah. KETCHAM I used to think about it. I had Margaret. She wanted kids. I thought about moving somewhere far away like, Europe. I could see all of that, the first part, the getting away but I couldn't see that next part. 'Then what?' So I'd stop thinking about it and go back to work. You understand? RATH Yeah. Ketcham smiles and looks around at the grove of birch trees. KETCHAM I always pictured that I would end in some land fill, under someone else's garbage. I kept picturing those plastic diapers filled with some baby's green shit, covering me. But this is nice... He looks at the sun, bloody red seeping into the black horizon. KETCHAM Look at that. I haven't watched the sun set in a million years. Do you mind? RATH No. Ketcham stares at the last of the light. KETCHAM Nice... real nice. With his face hidden from Rath he begins to cry. Rath watches Ketcham staring at the setting sun. Rath looks down at the gun limply held in his hand. When the sun is gone, a red glow at the bottom of a dark- ening sky, we hear the GUN, SILENCED, ONCE, then the BODY FALLING INTO THE MUD. After a beat we hear TWO MORE SHOTS. Ketcham is lying face down, already sinking into the mud, a red cloud mushrooming around his head like the red haze left by the dying sun. Rath breathes in deep and lets the air out slowly, stand- ing alone in the middle of nowhere. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT The room is dark and still. A man is standing at a wall of windows that glow from the amber wash of urban light. Snow is falling, heavy white flakes glittering in the city's electric night. The man finishes his bourbon, ICE CLINKING in the empty glass. He is slightly drunk and he sways forward until his forehead rests against the window. In the dim light, we recognize the man as Rath. Outside there is a beautiful stone church decorated for Christmas. He watches the snowflakes drift to the distant street below. He is wondering what it would feel like to let himself fall, when there is a KNOCK at the door. Crossing the room, he opens the door. Backlit by the bright hallway light is a WOMAN. She has already removed her coat and though she is only a silhouette we can see that her dress is very short and very tight. ESCORT (WOMAN) Hi. Did you call -- RATH Yes. Please come in. Her HIGH HEELS TAP against the tile foyer as she enters and he takes her coat. ESCORT Goodness, it's so dark... She reaches for the wall switch but he stops her. RATH I prefer it like this. ESCORT How can a beautiful man like you be shy? He smiles. RATH I prefer it, that's all. She moves closer to him, the sexual confidence of her body radiating like heat. ESCORT It's okay, honey. We can do it anyway you want. Rath is obviously uncomfortable. RATH Would you like a drink? ESCORT I'd love one. Whatever you're having. They move into the room, from a distance, as featureless as two shadows. She stands at the windows watching the snow-bubble of a city night. ESCORT Beautiful. He hands her the drink. Her smile is bright and perfect. ESCORT Good will towards men. Their glasses clink as he drains half his drink. If she drinks at all, we can not tell. RATH Why are you working today? ESCORT Holidays are our busiest days. No one likes to be alone on holidays. I know I don't. She touches his face, the caress and her expression of tenderness seemingly genuine. RATH You're very good at this aren't you? ESCORT I think you're supposed to answer that question. Her hand slides down his chest, but before it goes any farther Rath turns away, returning to the bar. RATH I know what you expect, but I don't want... He pours himself another drink. ESCORT That's okay, hon, I always expect the unexpected. RATH I called because I just want... I need to talk. She sits on the couch, her body language changing, as she becomes a listener. RATH I've been thinking about my life, about things I have done... What I do for a living is in some ways similiar to what you do. He sits on the other end of the couch, his words thickened by the alcohol. RATH I know that everything has a price. I want you to understand that I'm willing to pay. He takes out an envelope and puts it between them. She picks it up, glancing inside at a stack of hundred dollar bills. ESCORT For what? RATH Honesty. She puts the envelope down. RATH I just want to ask you some questions. Uncomfortable, she waits as he searches his drink for the right words. RATH Do you ever regret things you've done? ESCORT Everyone regrets something. RATH But when you finLsh a job, afterwards do you think about them? ESCORT Sometimes. RATH Do you think about their wives or their families? ESCORT No. They call me, I don't call them. If they didn't call I wouldn't exist. Rath nods. His next question is barely audible. RATH Do you ever think about starting over? ESCORT All the time. RATH Can you tell me about it? For the first time we really see her take a drink. She closes her eyes. ESCORT Sometimes I dream that I meet a man, this good, honest man and we fall in love. I imagine us living on a boat, reading books, sailing to places where no one knows who we were or cares what we did. She opens her eyes and looks at him. RATH And what if you never meet that man? She smiles. ESCORT Then, I'll sail alone. RATH Do you believe that? ESCORT Are you asking me if I believe in another life? Rath nods. ESCORT I have to. She finishes her drink. ESCORT Is that all you want? RATH Yes. She picks up the money and stands. RATH Thank you. ESCORT Anytime. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT It is the same room but now it is very cluttered, room service trays and empty liquor bottles tossed about. He has been here for a while. He is sitting at the table, staring intensely at a chess game; we see the board and all of the pieces set in the same positions as in the opening sequence. He rubs at the whiskers that have darkened his face and then finishes off another bottle of bourbon. He flings the empty bottle across the room as he reaches over the board and moves one of white knights, taking a black rook. A sequence begins, obvious, and he works through it moving both the black and white pieces. Suddenly he stops. He gets up and shifts to the other side of the board, studying the game from white's perspective. Another sequence emerges and he trades the pieces through it as he moves around the table, returning to his place behind the black king. The games reaches its end as black is check-mated. He slumps down onto the table and looks across at the white king. RATH Fuck you, Nick. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAWN Rath is at a desk where he has set up his computer office; a cellular phone is plugged into a modem with cables winding through a scrambler and then into a fax machine and the latest high-powered lap-top computer. On the table near the desk, we see the .22, dismantled and cleaned, spread out on a white towel. He types in a complicated access code sequence, then waits, staring at the blank screen. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Where have you been, Robert? RATH/SCREEN Sick. The flu. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I don't believe you. RATH I don't give a fuck -- RATH/SCREEN It's true. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I have been sitting on a contract from Cleveland for six days because of you. RATH Fuck you, fuck Cleveland, and fuck your contracts -- RATH/SCREEN I need a rest. CONTRACTOR/ SCREEN That's impossible, Robert. You're at the top of your field. These are the best contracts. To stop now would be self-destructive. He looks away from the screen and sees the chess game on the table. RATH/SCREEN Send the file. I'll have the estimate tonight. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I'm worried about you, Robert. RATH You fucking should be -- RATH/SCREEN Don't be. On the screen the word "Transmitting" appears. Rath slowly gets out of his chair. The FAX MACHINE CLICKS and HUXS to life as a photograph of a smiling, old Italian man curls onto the desk. Rath begins destroying the hotel room, smashing anything he can get his hands on. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAY Rath is in the middle of the room which he has demolished. Having showered and shaved, he is now standing naked, in the midst of the rubble, practicing the slow and graceful art of Tai Chi. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is working at the desk. He is tallying numbers, materials, totaling his estimate. Spread out over the table are several faxed photos of the old Italian, Leevio Valli, usually surrounded by bodyguards. The file details Valli's life and his daily routine. It includes: phone bills, credit card and bank account statements, driver license and vehicle registration, the real estate listing of his house and even a copy of his income tax return. Satisfied with his figures, Rath plugs the phone into the modem and makes a call. The network comes on-line as the General Contractor types: CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You're too late, Robert. Rath types. RATH/SCREEN What? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN The contract was stolen. Rath stares at the screen. RATH/SCREEN Who? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN A new player. He's using the name Nicholai. The name hits Rath and he sits, unable to breathe. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You know what must be done. The screen goes black as the network shuts down. Rath looks down at the pile of assembled facts. He lifts a credit card bill on which the name of a restaurant appears every Friday. The name of the restaurant has been circled in red pen by Rath: "Trattoria Roma." EXT. TRATTORIA ROMA - NIGHT A red awning spans the entrance of a popular Italian restaurant. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA It is a large establishment with many tables and booths. The dinner crowd is a mix of yuppies and older Italian families who have been eating here for years. Rath is sitting alone at a booth. With very subtle changes to his appearance, he looks like an older Italian. In front of him is a glass and a carafe of dark red wine. He touches neither of them. His eyes shift as he studies the room. LEEVIO VALLI pushes into the restaurant surrounded by five gorillas in Italian suits. The owner hurries to greet them, hugging, kissing, speaking only Italian. The entourage moves through the restaurant to the over- sized booth in the back. Rath does not look twice at them. Immediately he is watching everyone else, looking for the other assassin. Leevio slides into the booth as his goons stand and sit around the table, obscuring him from all parts of the room. A wine steward immediately brings a bottle of red wine and fills their glasses. A pretty waitress sets a steaming loaf of garlic bread out and a giant bowl of minestrone in front of Leevio. He tells her something and she giggles. They joke in Italian, watching her ass as she wiggles back to the kitchen. At Leevio's table the wine steward returns to fill their glasses. It is the goon standing against the wall that is the first to realize that it is not the same wine steward. He is the second assassin, much younger than Rath. His name is BAIN. He smiles. The goon reaches for his gun as -- Bain SHATTERS the BOTTLE of wine into his face. He screams. Leevio coughs a spray of minestrone, as a GUN flashes free from the white linen towel hung over the steward's arm. It happens instantly. FOUR SHOTS and the goons are dead. Leevio screams. LEEVIO Don't! A FIFTH, SIXTH and SEVENTH SHOT. Leevio's body falls forward and softly thuds on the table. Bain whips around drawing a small SEMI-AUTOMATIC WEAPON from his belt expecting an attack. Facing the screaming crowd, he begins to SHOOT anyone who moves or stands, men or women. There is chaos in the restaurant. People scream, falling to the ground, scrambling under tables. Bain is sweating, his eyes shifting wildly from one end of the room to the other. The restaurant falls quiet except for several people who are sobbing. He moves through the room, watching, searching. BAIN Don't anybody move. You move, you're dead. He passes the table Rath was sitting at, but it is empty. BAIN Come on, you chicken shit motherfucker. I know you're here. Let's go. EXT. CONCRETE PARKING GARAGE Across the street from Trattoria Roma, Rath jacks together a German assault rifle with night scope. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain looks out the window at the dark street. He turns and searches through the people huddled on the floor. He aims his gun. BAIN You! Get up! A quivering wine steward stands. He points to another. BAIN You, too! Up! EXT. PARKING GARAGE THROUGH the NIGHT SCOPE we see the front door to the restaurant open and a group of wine stewards clumped together slowly back out. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain is second from the end, both guns aimed at the stewards. One of them begins to cry. BAIN Not yet. Don't move or you're fucking dead. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath moves the scope back and forth, unable to pick out the assassin. RATH Shit. Just do them all. All of them. Shit. He can't pull the trigger. EXT. TRATTORIA STOREFRONT The group moves toward the street. BAIN Now run! Like dogs out of the gate, they bolt. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as they scatter, finding Bain in his scope. EXT. STREET A chunk of BRICK EXPLODES from the wall just behind Bain's head as he drops behind the row of parked cars along the curb. He laughs. We get the idea that Bain is enjoying this. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath looks over his scope, talking to himself. He is sweating. RATH Shit. What are you doing, old man? You're too fucking slow. He looks back into the scope and begins scanning the line of cars. RATH Okay. Which one? Which one is yours? EXT. CITY STREET Bain is crawling alongside the tightly parked cars, staying low and out of sight. He works his way up to a black Mercedes that is parked illegally next to a fire hydrant and takes out his keys. He hits the remote unlocking the doors. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath finds the fire hydrant in his scope, almost obscured by the parked Mercedes. RATH Amateur. He takes aim. EXT. CITY STREET Just as Bain starts to open the door, the front TIRE EXPLODES. Another second, the back TIRE EXPLODES. BAIN Fuck! INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath waits, steely calm, his finger on the trigger. RATH Your move. EXT. CITY STREET Bain hears the growing wail of POLICE SIRENS. Thinking for a moment, he opens the car door and pulls a long handled switchblade and a roll of electrician's tape from the glove compartment. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath sees the car light go on, but can't make out what Bain is doing. The SIRENS are GETTING LOUDER. There's a lot of them. EXT. CITY STREET Bain finishes taping the knife to his forearm and rolls his shirt sleeve down. From his pocket he takes out a Gameboy and begins playing "Tetris." INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as the police cars come racing down the street. EXT. CITY STREET The CARS SCREECH to a halt in front of the restaurant. The COPS jump out, drawing their weapons. Bain throws his guns down, raising his hands in the air. BAIN Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I give up! More CARS come SCREECHING up as the two officers hold their beads on Bain. COP Hit the ground! Face down! Spread your legs! Bain follows the orders as the second cop edges up to him, frisking him. In this position the Cop is unable to find the knife strapped to Bain's forearm, but finds the Gameboy. BAIN Hey, don't touch that! COP Shut up! The Cop twists Bain's arms behind his back, handcuffing him tightly. They drag him to his feet, a swarm of police and paramedics in the street. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath holds them in his cross hairs as they move to the police car, but is unable to get a clean shot. Bain is using the cops for cover, keeping his head low. RATH Son of a bitch. The Cops shove Bain into the back seat. Rath very quickly walks to his car, tossing his gun into the trunk. He gets in and STARTS the ENGINE. INT. PATROL CAR The two Officers are outside the car talking with the sergeant. Bain, laying low beneath the windows, peeks up at the shadowy parking garage. He smiles. The two Policemen get in the car, the second picking up the radio. The driver GUNS the ENGINE and the black and white RUMBLES down the street. COP #2 This is 181, returning with suspect involved in multiple shooting at Trattoria Roma. Repeat, en route with suspect. He hangs up the radio and looks back at Bain through the metal caging. COP #2 Jesus Christ, do you know who you shot in there? Bain almost laughs. COP #2 What are you? Some kind of a hitman? Bain looks out the window. COP #2 You know what we call guys like you? Bain looks at him. COP #2 Sizzle lean. They're gonna fry your ass. He laughs at his own joke, looking at his partner, who chuckles. EXT. CITY STREET Rath's car races down the street trying to catch up with the patrol car. INT. PATROL CAR Bain stares out the window, silent. Behind his back, he takes hold of his left thumb with his right hand. The Cop is playing with the Gameboy. With a quick jerk, he yanks the thumb out of its socket. His expression remains perfectly blank. The thumb hangs unnaturally from the hand. The skin stretches strangely as he pulls the metal cuff from his wrist. The Cop turns as the SWITCHBLADE CLICKS and Bain sticks the knife through the wire mesh, into the cop's eye. A font of blood arcs onto the windshield. Grabbing hold of the driver's shirt collar, Bain jabs the blade into the back of his neck. The driver screams trying to pull free of Bain's grip. He slams on the brakes, groping for his gun and the CAR SKIDS out of control. Bain stabs the Cop again, his GUN FIRING WILDLY as -- The patrol car starts to flip and roll. INT. RATH'S CAR Rath turns as he hears an EXPLOSION, several blocks away. The TIRES SQUEAL as he makes a hard right. EXT. STREET Orange flames lick up from the belly of the overturned patrol car. Oil black clouds billow into the night sky. Rath's car cruises past. Rath sees the back seat window shattered, kicked out. Bain is gone. RATH I'm not done yet. EXT. CITY STREET INTERSECTION A brand new cab is sitting at a red light. The cabby looks into the rearview mirror, as a pair of headlights roll up behind him. The car gets closer, the lights brighter; they don't stop. He shrieks as the CAR SMASHES INTO HIS, TEARING OFF HIS BUMPER. The cabby jumps out, rattling off a string of obscenities. Rath gets out of the white car, starting to apologize, as the cabby moves toward him. When he's close enough, Rath decks him, knocking him unconscious. He picks him up and puts him in the white car. Rath then gets in the cab and when the light changes to green, he drives off. INT. CAB Rath circles the area, turning up the cab's CB. A couple of CALLS CRACKLE through the speaker, before he hears what he's waiting for; an airport fare in this area. At the intersection of Adams and Nine. He picks up the mike. RATH This is 1242. I got it. EXT. ADAMS AND NINE It is a deserted intersection. The buildings are dark and some of the street lights are out. The cab sits by itself, ENGINE RUNNING, its taillights glowing through the exhaust. INT. CAB Rath holds his gun cocked beneath his coat. His other hand grips the door handle. As he waits, watching the intersection, he notices the cabby's ID pinned to the dashboard. Leaving the gun in his jacket, he reaches for the ID card. He rips it from the dash and as he drops it under the seat, the door behind him opens. Someone gets in and closes the door. Rath peers into the rearview mirror. It is Bain. For the first time we realize that the front and back of the cab is separated by an inch of bullet proof glass. There is an awkward silence as Rath sits, unsure. Bain looks at him. BAIN Is there a problem? RATH No. No problem. The airport, right? BAIN Right. The cab pulls out of the intersection. INT. CAB Rath studies Bain. There is a thin line of blood down his temple. Bain is oblivious to it and pulls out his Gameboy, resuming his game of Tetris. RATH How'd you cut yourself? Their voices are distorted through the small electric amplifier set in the bullet proof glass near the metal money exchanger. Bain touches the blood on his forehead, looking at it a bit surprised. BAIN Oh? Working. A little accident. He wipes it off as best he can. RATH You a waiter? You look like a waiter. Bain is uninterested. BAIN Yeah. Yeah, I'm a waiter. RATH Where?

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How many times the word 'dark-' appears in the text?

Assassins Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS "Assassins", early draft, by Larry & Andy Wachowski ASSASSINS Written by Larry and Andy Wachowski August 12, 1994 FADE IN: PERFECT SQUARE OF BLACK We know that we are looking at something because its polished surface shimmers with light. PULLING BACK, other squares are revealed; the black and white tiles of a chess board. The board rises and spins, slipping beneath us we find ourselves MOVING ACROSS the board, MOVING THROUGH a chess game. The pieces are everywhere, checking and covering other pieces. It has reached that critical moment when pieces are traded and the board begins to clear as two strategies unravel towards a final outcome. Standing above the pieces around him, we see the black king. We MOVE CLOSER TOWARDS his face, CLOSER TO his chiseled ebony features, CLOSER UNTIL we are staring into his cold black eyes... DISSOLVE TO: EXT. MARSH - SUNGLASSES - DUSK The red setting sun is reflected in the black lens. Two men are tromping through the calf-deep mud of an end- less marsh. It is fall, the first frost not far away and the foliage is brown and bare. With the red-orange ball of fire melting into the horizon, the two men at first appear as only silhouettes or shadows slogging through the mire. The man with the sunglasses walks behind the other man. He is very well-dressed in a dark suit. A .22 caliber gun, fitted with a long silencer, dangles from his hand. His name is ROBERT RATH. The other man is WILLIE KETCHAM. He is also wearing a very expensive suit though it is being destroyed by the brambles and mud. As he lifts his foot his Gucci shoe is sucked off by the mud. KETCHAM Aw-shit! He balances on one leg, holding his silk-socked foot in the air. He looks at the shoe, already filling with mud. He looks at Rath. KETCHAM How much farther? RATH Just a little ways. Up to those trees. About a half mile further into the thickening marsh there is a small cluster of trees. KETCHAM Oh, fuck it. He pulls his sock off and plunges his foot into the mud. He smiles. It feels good. He hurls the sock. Lifting his other foot he pulls his shoe off and hurls that. He grabs for the other sock, struggling to get it off, laughing at himself as he slips and falls into the mud. Rath waits, a faint smile. He manages to get the sock off and then stands digging both feet into the dark, wet earth. KETCHAM Hey, this feels kinda good. They move on, Ketcham almost playing, sinking his feet deep pulling them out to make a SPLURCHING, SUCKING NOISE. KETCHAM Hey, do you mind if I talk a little? I feel like, I don't know, talking I guess. RATH Sure. KETCHAM Funny, I've never been a talker. My wife was always getting on me about that. 'Say what you feel, tell me what's bothering you, you ve got to talk to me.' I never would though. Not really. RATH Why not? KETCHAM I don't know. Part of me wanted to but part of me always said, 'What's she going to be able to do?' I don't know. Maybe I didn't trust her. He picks up a handful of mud and begins shaping it like a snowball. KETCHAM My Margaret... I loved her but you know what? I cheated on her. All the time. I don't even know why. It wasn't the sex, Margaret was great in bed. I think if I wasn't married I wouldn't have even looked at some of those women. I knew she couldn't trust me, so how could I trust her? If she was here right now I'd think that I would tell her that I was sorry... 'course, if she were here right now, maybe I wouldn't feel like talking. He throws the mud ball at the grove of trees but they are too far. KETCHAM I think I've heard of you. RATH It's possible. KETCHAM You're pretty famous aren't you? RATH I hope not. KETCHAM I know this may seem like a strange question, but can I ask you how much the contract was for -- not to insult you or anything, I know you're a professional, but just for me, I was just wondering. RATH It's a common question. KETCHAM Oh yeah? I guess we still need to see that price tag. Like art, right? You hang some painting that looks like baby-puke in your living room only if it costs a bundle. RATH A dime. KETCHAM One hundred thousand? That's it? Jesus... Is that a lot? RATH Average. KETCHAM Shit... oh well. Ketcham laughs. KETCHAM I have been thinking about this for a long while. I knew this day was coming. I knew someday someone would make the call on me. I never thought about anyone that I had whacked. What do you call it anyway? RATH Taken. KETCHAM 'Taken.' That's nice. When I had someone taken I would call our General Contractor, transfer the money and as soon as I hung up the phone I forgot about them. RATH Everyone who plays the game knows the rules. KETCHAM That's exactly what I told myself. Ketcham laughs again. He is getting kind of giggly, like he's high. KETCHAM I always wondered what I'd be thinking at this exact moment. I imagined that I would be thinking about the fucker who contracted this, trying to figure out who it was... Something occurs to him and he looks back at Rath. RATH Don't know. That's how it works. KETCHAM That's what our General Contractor told us but how can you trust someone like that? RATH Right. KETCHAM I thought that I would be thinking about Margaret, or work, or that I'd be having these deep, profound and depressing thoughts but I'm not. I'm trying to think really profound thoughts, but I can't. It seems very funny to me. RATH What are you thinking about? KETCHAM I'm thinking about Moonpies. Ain't that funny? I haven't had a Moonpie since I was ten years old. Right now, I'm thinking how much I'd love one. RATH And an R.C. He's 'laughing' and Rath laughs with him. Ketcham suddenly stops laughing. They are nearly to the cluster of trees. KETCHAM Can I ask you something? RATH Go ahead. KETCHAM What do other guys do? He looks at the trees, his voice dying in the WIND. RATH Everyone handles it differently. Some are ready, some are not. KETCHAM Do they get down on their knees, begging and crying? RATH Some. KETCHAM When I thought about this, that was always there, in the back of my head, that image of me on my knees, crying. It wouldn't go away and it would really upset me. It was something that I could never get away from... but now, I feel it's okay. I feel good. RATH Can I ask you a question? KETCHAM Anything. RATH Why didn't you fade? KETCHAM You mean quit? RATH Yeah. KETCHAM I used to think about it. I had Margaret. She wanted kids. I thought about moving somewhere far away like, Europe. I could see all of that, the first part, the getting away but I couldn't see that next part. 'Then what?' So I'd stop thinking about it and go back to work. You understand? RATH Yeah. Ketcham smiles and looks around at the grove of birch trees. KETCHAM I always pictured that I would end in some land fill, under someone else's garbage. I kept picturing those plastic diapers filled with some baby's green shit, covering me. But this is nice... He looks at the sun, bloody red seeping into the black horizon. KETCHAM Look at that. I haven't watched the sun set in a million years. Do you mind? RATH No. Ketcham stares at the last of the light. KETCHAM Nice... real nice. With his face hidden from Rath he begins to cry. Rath watches Ketcham staring at the setting sun. Rath looks down at the gun limply held in his hand. When the sun is gone, a red glow at the bottom of a dark- ening sky, we hear the GUN, SILENCED, ONCE, then the BODY FALLING INTO THE MUD. After a beat we hear TWO MORE SHOTS. Ketcham is lying face down, already sinking into the mud, a red cloud mushrooming around his head like the red haze left by the dying sun. Rath breathes in deep and lets the air out slowly, stand- ing alone in the middle of nowhere. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT The room is dark and still. A man is standing at a wall of windows that glow from the amber wash of urban light. Snow is falling, heavy white flakes glittering in the city's electric night. The man finishes his bourbon, ICE CLINKING in the empty glass. He is slightly drunk and he sways forward until his forehead rests against the window. In the dim light, we recognize the man as Rath. Outside there is a beautiful stone church decorated for Christmas. He watches the snowflakes drift to the distant street below. He is wondering what it would feel like to let himself fall, when there is a KNOCK at the door. Crossing the room, he opens the door. Backlit by the bright hallway light is a WOMAN. She has already removed her coat and though she is only a silhouette we can see that her dress is very short and very tight. ESCORT (WOMAN) Hi. Did you call -- RATH Yes. Please come in. Her HIGH HEELS TAP against the tile foyer as she enters and he takes her coat. ESCORT Goodness, it's so dark... She reaches for the wall switch but he stops her. RATH I prefer it like this. ESCORT How can a beautiful man like you be shy? He smiles. RATH I prefer it, that's all. She moves closer to him, the sexual confidence of her body radiating like heat. ESCORT It's okay, honey. We can do it anyway you want. Rath is obviously uncomfortable. RATH Would you like a drink? ESCORT I'd love one. Whatever you're having. They move into the room, from a distance, as featureless as two shadows. She stands at the windows watching the snow-bubble of a city night. ESCORT Beautiful. He hands her the drink. Her smile is bright and perfect. ESCORT Good will towards men. Their glasses clink as he drains half his drink. If she drinks at all, we can not tell. RATH Why are you working today? ESCORT Holidays are our busiest days. No one likes to be alone on holidays. I know I don't. She touches his face, the caress and her expression of tenderness seemingly genuine. RATH You're very good at this aren't you? ESCORT I think you're supposed to answer that question. Her hand slides down his chest, but before it goes any farther Rath turns away, returning to the bar. RATH I know what you expect, but I don't want... He pours himself another drink. ESCORT That's okay, hon, I always expect the unexpected. RATH I called because I just want... I need to talk. She sits on the couch, her body language changing, as she becomes a listener. RATH I've been thinking about my life, about things I have done... What I do for a living is in some ways similiar to what you do. He sits on the other end of the couch, his words thickened by the alcohol. RATH I know that everything has a price. I want you to understand that I'm willing to pay. He takes out an envelope and puts it between them. She picks it up, glancing inside at a stack of hundred dollar bills. ESCORT For what? RATH Honesty. She puts the envelope down. RATH I just want to ask you some questions. Uncomfortable, she waits as he searches his drink for the right words. RATH Do you ever regret things you've done? ESCORT Everyone regrets something. RATH But when you finLsh a job, afterwards do you think about them? ESCORT Sometimes. RATH Do you think about their wives or their families? ESCORT No. They call me, I don't call them. If they didn't call I wouldn't exist. Rath nods. His next question is barely audible. RATH Do you ever think about starting over? ESCORT All the time. RATH Can you tell me about it? For the first time we really see her take a drink. She closes her eyes. ESCORT Sometimes I dream that I meet a man, this good, honest man and we fall in love. I imagine us living on a boat, reading books, sailing to places where no one knows who we were or cares what we did. She opens her eyes and looks at him. RATH And what if you never meet that man? She smiles. ESCORT Then, I'll sail alone. RATH Do you believe that? ESCORT Are you asking me if I believe in another life? Rath nods. ESCORT I have to. She finishes her drink. ESCORT Is that all you want? RATH Yes. She picks up the money and stands. RATH Thank you. ESCORT Anytime. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT It is the same room but now it is very cluttered, room service trays and empty liquor bottles tossed about. He has been here for a while. He is sitting at the table, staring intensely at a chess game; we see the board and all of the pieces set in the same positions as in the opening sequence. He rubs at the whiskers that have darkened his face and then finishes off another bottle of bourbon. He flings the empty bottle across the room as he reaches over the board and moves one of white knights, taking a black rook. A sequence begins, obvious, and he works through it moving both the black and white pieces. Suddenly he stops. He gets up and shifts to the other side of the board, studying the game from white's perspective. Another sequence emerges and he trades the pieces through it as he moves around the table, returning to his place behind the black king. The games reaches its end as black is check-mated. He slumps down onto the table and looks across at the white king. RATH Fuck you, Nick. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAWN Rath is at a desk where he has set up his computer office; a cellular phone is plugged into a modem with cables winding through a scrambler and then into a fax machine and the latest high-powered lap-top computer. On the table near the desk, we see the .22, dismantled and cleaned, spread out on a white towel. He types in a complicated access code sequence, then waits, staring at the blank screen. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Where have you been, Robert? RATH/SCREEN Sick. The flu. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I don't believe you. RATH I don't give a fuck -- RATH/SCREEN It's true. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I have been sitting on a contract from Cleveland for six days because of you. RATH Fuck you, fuck Cleveland, and fuck your contracts -- RATH/SCREEN I need a rest. CONTRACTOR/ SCREEN That's impossible, Robert. You're at the top of your field. These are the best contracts. To stop now would be self-destructive. He looks away from the screen and sees the chess game on the table. RATH/SCREEN Send the file. I'll have the estimate tonight. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I'm worried about you, Robert. RATH You fucking should be -- RATH/SCREEN Don't be. On the screen the word "Transmitting" appears. Rath slowly gets out of his chair. The FAX MACHINE CLICKS and HUXS to life as a photograph of a smiling, old Italian man curls onto the desk. Rath begins destroying the hotel room, smashing anything he can get his hands on. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAY Rath is in the middle of the room which he has demolished. Having showered and shaved, he is now standing naked, in the midst of the rubble, practicing the slow and graceful art of Tai Chi. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is working at the desk. He is tallying numbers, materials, totaling his estimate. Spread out over the table are several faxed photos of the old Italian, Leevio Valli, usually surrounded by bodyguards. The file details Valli's life and his daily routine. It includes: phone bills, credit card and bank account statements, driver license and vehicle registration, the real estate listing of his house and even a copy of his income tax return. Satisfied with his figures, Rath plugs the phone into the modem and makes a call. The network comes on-line as the General Contractor types: CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You're too late, Robert. Rath types. RATH/SCREEN What? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN The contract was stolen. Rath stares at the screen. RATH/SCREEN Who? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN A new player. He's using the name Nicholai. The name hits Rath and he sits, unable to breathe. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You know what must be done. The screen goes black as the network shuts down. Rath looks down at the pile of assembled facts. He lifts a credit card bill on which the name of a restaurant appears every Friday. The name of the restaurant has been circled in red pen by Rath: "Trattoria Roma." EXT. TRATTORIA ROMA - NIGHT A red awning spans the entrance of a popular Italian restaurant. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA It is a large establishment with many tables and booths. The dinner crowd is a mix of yuppies and older Italian families who have been eating here for years. Rath is sitting alone at a booth. With very subtle changes to his appearance, he looks like an older Italian. In front of him is a glass and a carafe of dark red wine. He touches neither of them. His eyes shift as he studies the room. LEEVIO VALLI pushes into the restaurant surrounded by five gorillas in Italian suits. The owner hurries to greet them, hugging, kissing, speaking only Italian. The entourage moves through the restaurant to the over- sized booth in the back. Rath does not look twice at them. Immediately he is watching everyone else, looking for the other assassin. Leevio slides into the booth as his goons stand and sit around the table, obscuring him from all parts of the room. A wine steward immediately brings a bottle of red wine and fills their glasses. A pretty waitress sets a steaming loaf of garlic bread out and a giant bowl of minestrone in front of Leevio. He tells her something and she giggles. They joke in Italian, watching her ass as she wiggles back to the kitchen. At Leevio's table the wine steward returns to fill their glasses. It is the goon standing against the wall that is the first to realize that it is not the same wine steward. He is the second assassin, much younger than Rath. His name is BAIN. He smiles. The goon reaches for his gun as -- Bain SHATTERS the BOTTLE of wine into his face. He screams. Leevio coughs a spray of minestrone, as a GUN flashes free from the white linen towel hung over the steward's arm. It happens instantly. FOUR SHOTS and the goons are dead. Leevio screams. LEEVIO Don't! A FIFTH, SIXTH and SEVENTH SHOT. Leevio's body falls forward and softly thuds on the table. Bain whips around drawing a small SEMI-AUTOMATIC WEAPON from his belt expecting an attack. Facing the screaming crowd, he begins to SHOOT anyone who moves or stands, men or women. There is chaos in the restaurant. People scream, falling to the ground, scrambling under tables. Bain is sweating, his eyes shifting wildly from one end of the room to the other. The restaurant falls quiet except for several people who are sobbing. He moves through the room, watching, searching. BAIN Don't anybody move. You move, you're dead. He passes the table Rath was sitting at, but it is empty. BAIN Come on, you chicken shit motherfucker. I know you're here. Let's go. EXT. CONCRETE PARKING GARAGE Across the street from Trattoria Roma, Rath jacks together a German assault rifle with night scope. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain looks out the window at the dark street. He turns and searches through the people huddled on the floor. He aims his gun. BAIN You! Get up! A quivering wine steward stands. He points to another. BAIN You, too! Up! EXT. PARKING GARAGE THROUGH the NIGHT SCOPE we see the front door to the restaurant open and a group of wine stewards clumped together slowly back out. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain is second from the end, both guns aimed at the stewards. One of them begins to cry. BAIN Not yet. Don't move or you're fucking dead. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath moves the scope back and forth, unable to pick out the assassin. RATH Shit. Just do them all. All of them. Shit. He can't pull the trigger. EXT. TRATTORIA STOREFRONT The group moves toward the street. BAIN Now run! Like dogs out of the gate, they bolt. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as they scatter, finding Bain in his scope. EXT. STREET A chunk of BRICK EXPLODES from the wall just behind Bain's head as he drops behind the row of parked cars along the curb. He laughs. We get the idea that Bain is enjoying this. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath looks over his scope, talking to himself. He is sweating. RATH Shit. What are you doing, old man? You're too fucking slow. He looks back into the scope and begins scanning the line of cars. RATH Okay. Which one? Which one is yours? EXT. CITY STREET Bain is crawling alongside the tightly parked cars, staying low and out of sight. He works his way up to a black Mercedes that is parked illegally next to a fire hydrant and takes out his keys. He hits the remote unlocking the doors. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath finds the fire hydrant in his scope, almost obscured by the parked Mercedes. RATH Amateur. He takes aim. EXT. CITY STREET Just as Bain starts to open the door, the front TIRE EXPLODES. Another second, the back TIRE EXPLODES. BAIN Fuck! INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath waits, steely calm, his finger on the trigger. RATH Your move. EXT. CITY STREET Bain hears the growing wail of POLICE SIRENS. Thinking for a moment, he opens the car door and pulls a long handled switchblade and a roll of electrician's tape from the glove compartment. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath sees the car light go on, but can't make out what Bain is doing. The SIRENS are GETTING LOUDER. There's a lot of them. EXT. CITY STREET Bain finishes taping the knife to his forearm and rolls his shirt sleeve down. From his pocket he takes out a Gameboy and begins playing "Tetris." INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as the police cars come racing down the street. EXT. CITY STREET The CARS SCREECH to a halt in front of the restaurant. The COPS jump out, drawing their weapons. Bain throws his guns down, raising his hands in the air. BAIN Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I give up! More CARS come SCREECHING up as the two officers hold their beads on Bain. COP Hit the ground! Face down! Spread your legs! Bain follows the orders as the second cop edges up to him, frisking him. In this position the Cop is unable to find the knife strapped to Bain's forearm, but finds the Gameboy. BAIN Hey, don't touch that! COP Shut up! The Cop twists Bain's arms behind his back, handcuffing him tightly. They drag him to his feet, a swarm of police and paramedics in the street. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath holds them in his cross hairs as they move to the police car, but is unable to get a clean shot. Bain is using the cops for cover, keeping his head low. RATH Son of a bitch. The Cops shove Bain into the back seat. Rath very quickly walks to his car, tossing his gun into the trunk. He gets in and STARTS the ENGINE. INT. PATROL CAR The two Officers are outside the car talking with the sergeant. Bain, laying low beneath the windows, peeks up at the shadowy parking garage. He smiles. The two Policemen get in the car, the second picking up the radio. The driver GUNS the ENGINE and the black and white RUMBLES down the street. COP #2 This is 181, returning with suspect involved in multiple shooting at Trattoria Roma. Repeat, en route with suspect. He hangs up the radio and looks back at Bain through the metal caging. COP #2 Jesus Christ, do you know who you shot in there? Bain almost laughs. COP #2 What are you? Some kind of a hitman? Bain looks out the window. COP #2 You know what we call guys like you? Bain looks at him. COP #2 Sizzle lean. They're gonna fry your ass. He laughs at his own joke, looking at his partner, who chuckles. EXT. CITY STREET Rath's car races down the street trying to catch up with the patrol car. INT. PATROL CAR Bain stares out the window, silent. Behind his back, he takes hold of his left thumb with his right hand. The Cop is playing with the Gameboy. With a quick jerk, he yanks the thumb out of its socket. His expression remains perfectly blank. The thumb hangs unnaturally from the hand. The skin stretches strangely as he pulls the metal cuff from his wrist. The Cop turns as the SWITCHBLADE CLICKS and Bain sticks the knife through the wire mesh, into the cop's eye. A font of blood arcs onto the windshield. Grabbing hold of the driver's shirt collar, Bain jabs the blade into the back of his neck. The driver screams trying to pull free of Bain's grip. He slams on the brakes, groping for his gun and the CAR SKIDS out of control. Bain stabs the Cop again, his GUN FIRING WILDLY as -- The patrol car starts to flip and roll. INT. RATH'S CAR Rath turns as he hears an EXPLOSION, several blocks away. The TIRES SQUEAL as he makes a hard right. EXT. STREET Orange flames lick up from the belly of the overturned patrol car. Oil black clouds billow into the night sky. Rath's car cruises past. Rath sees the back seat window shattered, kicked out. Bain is gone. RATH I'm not done yet. EXT. CITY STREET INTERSECTION A brand new cab is sitting at a red light. The cabby looks into the rearview mirror, as a pair of headlights roll up behind him. The car gets closer, the lights brighter; they don't stop. He shrieks as the CAR SMASHES INTO HIS, TEARING OFF HIS BUMPER. The cabby jumps out, rattling off a string of obscenities. Rath gets out of the white car, starting to apologize, as the cabby moves toward him. When he's close enough, Rath decks him, knocking him unconscious. He picks him up and puts him in the white car. Rath then gets in the cab and when the light changes to green, he drives off. INT. CAB Rath circles the area, turning up the cab's CB. A couple of CALLS CRACKLE through the speaker, before he hears what he's waiting for; an airport fare in this area. At the intersection of Adams and Nine. He picks up the mike. RATH This is 1242. I got it. EXT. ADAMS AND NINE It is a deserted intersection. The buildings are dark and some of the street lights are out. The cab sits by itself, ENGINE RUNNING, its taillights glowing through the exhaust. INT. CAB Rath holds his gun cocked beneath his coat. His other hand grips the door handle. As he waits, watching the intersection, he notices the cabby's ID pinned to the dashboard. Leaving the gun in his jacket, he reaches for the ID card. He rips it from the dash and as he drops it under the seat, the door behind him opens. Someone gets in and closes the door. Rath peers into the rearview mirror. It is Bain. For the first time we realize that the front and back of the cab is separated by an inch of bullet proof glass. There is an awkward silence as Rath sits, unsure. Bain looks at him. BAIN Is there a problem? RATH No. No problem. The airport, right? BAIN Right. The cab pulls out of the intersection. INT. CAB Rath studies Bain. There is a thin line of blood down his temple. Bain is oblivious to it and pulls out his Gameboy, resuming his game of Tetris. RATH How'd you cut yourself? Their voices are distorted through the small electric amplifier set in the bullet proof glass near the metal money exchanger. Bain touches the blood on his forehead, looking at it a bit surprised. BAIN Oh? Working. A little accident. He wipes it off as best he can. RATH You a waiter? You look like a waiter. Bain is uninterested. BAIN Yeah. Yeah, I'm a waiter. RATH Where?

begging

How many times the word 'begging' appears in the text?

Assassins Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS "Assassins", early draft, by Larry & Andy Wachowski ASSASSINS Written by Larry and Andy Wachowski August 12, 1994 FADE IN: PERFECT SQUARE OF BLACK We know that we are looking at something because its polished surface shimmers with light. PULLING BACK, other squares are revealed; the black and white tiles of a chess board. The board rises and spins, slipping beneath us we find ourselves MOVING ACROSS the board, MOVING THROUGH a chess game. The pieces are everywhere, checking and covering other pieces. It has reached that critical moment when pieces are traded and the board begins to clear as two strategies unravel towards a final outcome. Standing above the pieces around him, we see the black king. We MOVE CLOSER TOWARDS his face, CLOSER TO his chiseled ebony features, CLOSER UNTIL we are staring into his cold black eyes... DISSOLVE TO: EXT. MARSH - SUNGLASSES - DUSK The red setting sun is reflected in the black lens. Two men are tromping through the calf-deep mud of an end- less marsh. It is fall, the first frost not far away and the foliage is brown and bare. With the red-orange ball of fire melting into the horizon, the two men at first appear as only silhouettes or shadows slogging through the mire. The man with the sunglasses walks behind the other man. He is very well-dressed in a dark suit. A .22 caliber gun, fitted with a long silencer, dangles from his hand. His name is ROBERT RATH. The other man is WILLIE KETCHAM. He is also wearing a very expensive suit though it is being destroyed by the brambles and mud. As he lifts his foot his Gucci shoe is sucked off by the mud. KETCHAM Aw-shit! He balances on one leg, holding his silk-socked foot in the air. He looks at the shoe, already filling with mud. He looks at Rath. KETCHAM How much farther? RATH Just a little ways. Up to those trees. About a half mile further into the thickening marsh there is a small cluster of trees. KETCHAM Oh, fuck it. He pulls his sock off and plunges his foot into the mud. He smiles. It feels good. He hurls the sock. Lifting his other foot he pulls his shoe off and hurls that. He grabs for the other sock, struggling to get it off, laughing at himself as he slips and falls into the mud. Rath waits, a faint smile. He manages to get the sock off and then stands digging both feet into the dark, wet earth. KETCHAM Hey, this feels kinda good. They move on, Ketcham almost playing, sinking his feet deep pulling them out to make a SPLURCHING, SUCKING NOISE. KETCHAM Hey, do you mind if I talk a little? I feel like, I don't know, talking I guess. RATH Sure. KETCHAM Funny, I've never been a talker. My wife was always getting on me about that. 'Say what you feel, tell me what's bothering you, you ve got to talk to me.' I never would though. Not really. RATH Why not? KETCHAM I don't know. Part of me wanted to but part of me always said, 'What's she going to be able to do?' I don't know. Maybe I didn't trust her. He picks up a handful of mud and begins shaping it like a snowball. KETCHAM My Margaret... I loved her but you know what? I cheated on her. All the time. I don't even know why. It wasn't the sex, Margaret was great in bed. I think if I wasn't married I wouldn't have even looked at some of those women. I knew she couldn't trust me, so how could I trust her? If she was here right now I'd think that I would tell her that I was sorry... 'course, if she were here right now, maybe I wouldn't feel like talking. He throws the mud ball at the grove of trees but they are too far. KETCHAM I think I've heard of you. RATH It's possible. KETCHAM You're pretty famous aren't you? RATH I hope not. KETCHAM I know this may seem like a strange question, but can I ask you how much the contract was for -- not to insult you or anything, I know you're a professional, but just for me, I was just wondering. RATH It's a common question. KETCHAM Oh yeah? I guess we still need to see that price tag. Like art, right? You hang some painting that looks like baby-puke in your living room only if it costs a bundle. RATH A dime. KETCHAM One hundred thousand? That's it? Jesus... Is that a lot? RATH Average. KETCHAM Shit... oh well. Ketcham laughs. KETCHAM I have been thinking about this for a long while. I knew this day was coming. I knew someday someone would make the call on me. I never thought about anyone that I had whacked. What do you call it anyway? RATH Taken. KETCHAM 'Taken.' That's nice. When I had someone taken I would call our General Contractor, transfer the money and as soon as I hung up the phone I forgot about them. RATH Everyone who plays the game knows the rules. KETCHAM That's exactly what I told myself. Ketcham laughs again. He is getting kind of giggly, like he's high. KETCHAM I always wondered what I'd be thinking at this exact moment. I imagined that I would be thinking about the fucker who contracted this, trying to figure out who it was... Something occurs to him and he looks back at Rath. RATH Don't know. That's how it works. KETCHAM That's what our General Contractor told us but how can you trust someone like that? RATH Right. KETCHAM I thought that I would be thinking about Margaret, or work, or that I'd be having these deep, profound and depressing thoughts but I'm not. I'm trying to think really profound thoughts, but I can't. It seems very funny to me. RATH What are you thinking about? KETCHAM I'm thinking about Moonpies. Ain't that funny? I haven't had a Moonpie since I was ten years old. Right now, I'm thinking how much I'd love one. RATH And an R.C. He's 'laughing' and Rath laughs with him. Ketcham suddenly stops laughing. They are nearly to the cluster of trees. KETCHAM Can I ask you something? RATH Go ahead. KETCHAM What do other guys do? He looks at the trees, his voice dying in the WIND. RATH Everyone handles it differently. Some are ready, some are not. KETCHAM Do they get down on their knees, begging and crying? RATH Some. KETCHAM When I thought about this, that was always there, in the back of my head, that image of me on my knees, crying. It wouldn't go away and it would really upset me. It was something that I could never get away from... but now, I feel it's okay. I feel good. RATH Can I ask you a question? KETCHAM Anything. RATH Why didn't you fade? KETCHAM You mean quit? RATH Yeah. KETCHAM I used to think about it. I had Margaret. She wanted kids. I thought about moving somewhere far away like, Europe. I could see all of that, the first part, the getting away but I couldn't see that next part. 'Then what?' So I'd stop thinking about it and go back to work. You understand? RATH Yeah. Ketcham smiles and looks around at the grove of birch trees. KETCHAM I always pictured that I would end in some land fill, under someone else's garbage. I kept picturing those plastic diapers filled with some baby's green shit, covering me. But this is nice... He looks at the sun, bloody red seeping into the black horizon. KETCHAM Look at that. I haven't watched the sun set in a million years. Do you mind? RATH No. Ketcham stares at the last of the light. KETCHAM Nice... real nice. With his face hidden from Rath he begins to cry. Rath watches Ketcham staring at the setting sun. Rath looks down at the gun limply held in his hand. When the sun is gone, a red glow at the bottom of a dark- ening sky, we hear the GUN, SILENCED, ONCE, then the BODY FALLING INTO THE MUD. After a beat we hear TWO MORE SHOTS. Ketcham is lying face down, already sinking into the mud, a red cloud mushrooming around his head like the red haze left by the dying sun. Rath breathes in deep and lets the air out slowly, stand- ing alone in the middle of nowhere. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT The room is dark and still. A man is standing at a wall of windows that glow from the amber wash of urban light. Snow is falling, heavy white flakes glittering in the city's electric night. The man finishes his bourbon, ICE CLINKING in the empty glass. He is slightly drunk and he sways forward until his forehead rests against the window. In the dim light, we recognize the man as Rath. Outside there is a beautiful stone church decorated for Christmas. He watches the snowflakes drift to the distant street below. He is wondering what it would feel like to let himself fall, when there is a KNOCK at the door. Crossing the room, he opens the door. Backlit by the bright hallway light is a WOMAN. She has already removed her coat and though she is only a silhouette we can see that her dress is very short and very tight. ESCORT (WOMAN) Hi. Did you call -- RATH Yes. Please come in. Her HIGH HEELS TAP against the tile foyer as she enters and he takes her coat. ESCORT Goodness, it's so dark... She reaches for the wall switch but he stops her. RATH I prefer it like this. ESCORT How can a beautiful man like you be shy? He smiles. RATH I prefer it, that's all. She moves closer to him, the sexual confidence of her body radiating like heat. ESCORT It's okay, honey. We can do it anyway you want. Rath is obviously uncomfortable. RATH Would you like a drink? ESCORT I'd love one. Whatever you're having. They move into the room, from a distance, as featureless as two shadows. She stands at the windows watching the snow-bubble of a city night. ESCORT Beautiful. He hands her the drink. Her smile is bright and perfect. ESCORT Good will towards men. Their glasses clink as he drains half his drink. If she drinks at all, we can not tell. RATH Why are you working today? ESCORT Holidays are our busiest days. No one likes to be alone on holidays. I know I don't. She touches his face, the caress and her expression of tenderness seemingly genuine. RATH You're very good at this aren't you? ESCORT I think you're supposed to answer that question. Her hand slides down his chest, but before it goes any farther Rath turns away, returning to the bar. RATH I know what you expect, but I don't want... He pours himself another drink. ESCORT That's okay, hon, I always expect the unexpected. RATH I called because I just want... I need to talk. She sits on the couch, her body language changing, as she becomes a listener. RATH I've been thinking about my life, about things I have done... What I do for a living is in some ways similiar to what you do. He sits on the other end of the couch, his words thickened by the alcohol. RATH I know that everything has a price. I want you to understand that I'm willing to pay. He takes out an envelope and puts it between them. She picks it up, glancing inside at a stack of hundred dollar bills. ESCORT For what? RATH Honesty. She puts the envelope down. RATH I just want to ask you some questions. Uncomfortable, she waits as he searches his drink for the right words. RATH Do you ever regret things you've done? ESCORT Everyone regrets something. RATH But when you finLsh a job, afterwards do you think about them? ESCORT Sometimes. RATH Do you think about their wives or their families? ESCORT No. They call me, I don't call them. If they didn't call I wouldn't exist. Rath nods. His next question is barely audible. RATH Do you ever think about starting over? ESCORT All the time. RATH Can you tell me about it? For the first time we really see her take a drink. She closes her eyes. ESCORT Sometimes I dream that I meet a man, this good, honest man and we fall in love. I imagine us living on a boat, reading books, sailing to places where no one knows who we were or cares what we did. She opens her eyes and looks at him. RATH And what if you never meet that man? She smiles. ESCORT Then, I'll sail alone. RATH Do you believe that? ESCORT Are you asking me if I believe in another life? Rath nods. ESCORT I have to. She finishes her drink. ESCORT Is that all you want? RATH Yes. She picks up the money and stands. RATH Thank you. ESCORT Anytime. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT It is the same room but now it is very cluttered, room service trays and empty liquor bottles tossed about. He has been here for a while. He is sitting at the table, staring intensely at a chess game; we see the board and all of the pieces set in the same positions as in the opening sequence. He rubs at the whiskers that have darkened his face and then finishes off another bottle of bourbon. He flings the empty bottle across the room as he reaches over the board and moves one of white knights, taking a black rook. A sequence begins, obvious, and he works through it moving both the black and white pieces. Suddenly he stops. He gets up and shifts to the other side of the board, studying the game from white's perspective. Another sequence emerges and he trades the pieces through it as he moves around the table, returning to his place behind the black king. The games reaches its end as black is check-mated. He slumps down onto the table and looks across at the white king. RATH Fuck you, Nick. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAWN Rath is at a desk where he has set up his computer office; a cellular phone is plugged into a modem with cables winding through a scrambler and then into a fax machine and the latest high-powered lap-top computer. On the table near the desk, we see the .22, dismantled and cleaned, spread out on a white towel. He types in a complicated access code sequence, then waits, staring at the blank screen. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Where have you been, Robert? RATH/SCREEN Sick. The flu. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I don't believe you. RATH I don't give a fuck -- RATH/SCREEN It's true. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I have been sitting on a contract from Cleveland for six days because of you. RATH Fuck you, fuck Cleveland, and fuck your contracts -- RATH/SCREEN I need a rest. CONTRACTOR/ SCREEN That's impossible, Robert. You're at the top of your field. These are the best contracts. To stop now would be self-destructive. He looks away from the screen and sees the chess game on the table. RATH/SCREEN Send the file. I'll have the estimate tonight. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I'm worried about you, Robert. RATH You fucking should be -- RATH/SCREEN Don't be. On the screen the word "Transmitting" appears. Rath slowly gets out of his chair. The FAX MACHINE CLICKS and HUXS to life as a photograph of a smiling, old Italian man curls onto the desk. Rath begins destroying the hotel room, smashing anything he can get his hands on. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAY Rath is in the middle of the room which he has demolished. Having showered and shaved, he is now standing naked, in the midst of the rubble, practicing the slow and graceful art of Tai Chi. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is working at the desk. He is tallying numbers, materials, totaling his estimate. Spread out over the table are several faxed photos of the old Italian, Leevio Valli, usually surrounded by bodyguards. The file details Valli's life and his daily routine. It includes: phone bills, credit card and bank account statements, driver license and vehicle registration, the real estate listing of his house and even a copy of his income tax return. Satisfied with his figures, Rath plugs the phone into the modem and makes a call. The network comes on-line as the General Contractor types: CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You're too late, Robert. Rath types. RATH/SCREEN What? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN The contract was stolen. Rath stares at the screen. RATH/SCREEN Who? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN A new player. He's using the name Nicholai. The name hits Rath and he sits, unable to breathe. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You know what must be done. The screen goes black as the network shuts down. Rath looks down at the pile of assembled facts. He lifts a credit card bill on which the name of a restaurant appears every Friday. The name of the restaurant has been circled in red pen by Rath: "Trattoria Roma." EXT. TRATTORIA ROMA - NIGHT A red awning spans the entrance of a popular Italian restaurant. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA It is a large establishment with many tables and booths. The dinner crowd is a mix of yuppies and older Italian families who have been eating here for years. Rath is sitting alone at a booth. With very subtle changes to his appearance, he looks like an older Italian. In front of him is a glass and a carafe of dark red wine. He touches neither of them. His eyes shift as he studies the room. LEEVIO VALLI pushes into the restaurant surrounded by five gorillas in Italian suits. The owner hurries to greet them, hugging, kissing, speaking only Italian. The entourage moves through the restaurant to the over- sized booth in the back. Rath does not look twice at them. Immediately he is watching everyone else, looking for the other assassin. Leevio slides into the booth as his goons stand and sit around the table, obscuring him from all parts of the room. A wine steward immediately brings a bottle of red wine and fills their glasses. A pretty waitress sets a steaming loaf of garlic bread out and a giant bowl of minestrone in front of Leevio. He tells her something and she giggles. They joke in Italian, watching her ass as she wiggles back to the kitchen. At Leevio's table the wine steward returns to fill their glasses. It is the goon standing against the wall that is the first to realize that it is not the same wine steward. He is the second assassin, much younger than Rath. His name is BAIN. He smiles. The goon reaches for his gun as -- Bain SHATTERS the BOTTLE of wine into his face. He screams. Leevio coughs a spray of minestrone, as a GUN flashes free from the white linen towel hung over the steward's arm. It happens instantly. FOUR SHOTS and the goons are dead. Leevio screams. LEEVIO Don't! A FIFTH, SIXTH and SEVENTH SHOT. Leevio's body falls forward and softly thuds on the table. Bain whips around drawing a small SEMI-AUTOMATIC WEAPON from his belt expecting an attack. Facing the screaming crowd, he begins to SHOOT anyone who moves or stands, men or women. There is chaos in the restaurant. People scream, falling to the ground, scrambling under tables. Bain is sweating, his eyes shifting wildly from one end of the room to the other. The restaurant falls quiet except for several people who are sobbing. He moves through the room, watching, searching. BAIN Don't anybody move. You move, you're dead. He passes the table Rath was sitting at, but it is empty. BAIN Come on, you chicken shit motherfucker. I know you're here. Let's go. EXT. CONCRETE PARKING GARAGE Across the street from Trattoria Roma, Rath jacks together a German assault rifle with night scope. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain looks out the window at the dark street. He turns and searches through the people huddled on the floor. He aims his gun. BAIN You! Get up! A quivering wine steward stands. He points to another. BAIN You, too! Up! EXT. PARKING GARAGE THROUGH the NIGHT SCOPE we see the front door to the restaurant open and a group of wine stewards clumped together slowly back out. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain is second from the end, both guns aimed at the stewards. One of them begins to cry. BAIN Not yet. Don't move or you're fucking dead. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath moves the scope back and forth, unable to pick out the assassin. RATH Shit. Just do them all. All of them. Shit. He can't pull the trigger. EXT. TRATTORIA STOREFRONT The group moves toward the street. BAIN Now run! Like dogs out of the gate, they bolt. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as they scatter, finding Bain in his scope. EXT. STREET A chunk of BRICK EXPLODES from the wall just behind Bain's head as he drops behind the row of parked cars along the curb. He laughs. We get the idea that Bain is enjoying this. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath looks over his scope, talking to himself. He is sweating. RATH Shit. What are you doing, old man? You're too fucking slow. He looks back into the scope and begins scanning the line of cars. RATH Okay. Which one? Which one is yours? EXT. CITY STREET Bain is crawling alongside the tightly parked cars, staying low and out of sight. He works his way up to a black Mercedes that is parked illegally next to a fire hydrant and takes out his keys. He hits the remote unlocking the doors. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath finds the fire hydrant in his scope, almost obscured by the parked Mercedes. RATH Amateur. He takes aim. EXT. CITY STREET Just as Bain starts to open the door, the front TIRE EXPLODES. Another second, the back TIRE EXPLODES. BAIN Fuck! INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath waits, steely calm, his finger on the trigger. RATH Your move. EXT. CITY STREET Bain hears the growing wail of POLICE SIRENS. Thinking for a moment, he opens the car door and pulls a long handled switchblade and a roll of electrician's tape from the glove compartment. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath sees the car light go on, but can't make out what Bain is doing. The SIRENS are GETTING LOUDER. There's a lot of them. EXT. CITY STREET Bain finishes taping the knife to his forearm and rolls his shirt sleeve down. From his pocket he takes out a Gameboy and begins playing "Tetris." INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as the police cars come racing down the street. EXT. CITY STREET The CARS SCREECH to a halt in front of the restaurant. The COPS jump out, drawing their weapons. Bain throws his guns down, raising his hands in the air. BAIN Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I give up! More CARS come SCREECHING up as the two officers hold their beads on Bain. COP Hit the ground! Face down! Spread your legs! Bain follows the orders as the second cop edges up to him, frisking him. In this position the Cop is unable to find the knife strapped to Bain's forearm, but finds the Gameboy. BAIN Hey, don't touch that! COP Shut up! The Cop twists Bain's arms behind his back, handcuffing him tightly. They drag him to his feet, a swarm of police and paramedics in the street. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath holds them in his cross hairs as they move to the police car, but is unable to get a clean shot. Bain is using the cops for cover, keeping his head low. RATH Son of a bitch. The Cops shove Bain into the back seat. Rath very quickly walks to his car, tossing his gun into the trunk. He gets in and STARTS the ENGINE. INT. PATROL CAR The two Officers are outside the car talking with the sergeant. Bain, laying low beneath the windows, peeks up at the shadowy parking garage. He smiles. The two Policemen get in the car, the second picking up the radio. The driver GUNS the ENGINE and the black and white RUMBLES down the street. COP #2 This is 181, returning with suspect involved in multiple shooting at Trattoria Roma. Repeat, en route with suspect. He hangs up the radio and looks back at Bain through the metal caging. COP #2 Jesus Christ, do you know who you shot in there? Bain almost laughs. COP #2 What are you? Some kind of a hitman? Bain looks out the window. COP #2 You know what we call guys like you? Bain looks at him. COP #2 Sizzle lean. They're gonna fry your ass. He laughs at his own joke, looking at his partner, who chuckles. EXT. CITY STREET Rath's car races down the street trying to catch up with the patrol car. INT. PATROL CAR Bain stares out the window, silent. Behind his back, he takes hold of his left thumb with his right hand. The Cop is playing with the Gameboy. With a quick jerk, he yanks the thumb out of its socket. His expression remains perfectly blank. The thumb hangs unnaturally from the hand. The skin stretches strangely as he pulls the metal cuff from his wrist. The Cop turns as the SWITCHBLADE CLICKS and Bain sticks the knife through the wire mesh, into the cop's eye. A font of blood arcs onto the windshield. Grabbing hold of the driver's shirt collar, Bain jabs the blade into the back of his neck. The driver screams trying to pull free of Bain's grip. He slams on the brakes, groping for his gun and the CAR SKIDS out of control. Bain stabs the Cop again, his GUN FIRING WILDLY as -- The patrol car starts to flip and roll. INT. RATH'S CAR Rath turns as he hears an EXPLOSION, several blocks away. The TIRES SQUEAL as he makes a hard right. EXT. STREET Orange flames lick up from the belly of the overturned patrol car. Oil black clouds billow into the night sky. Rath's car cruises past. Rath sees the back seat window shattered, kicked out. Bain is gone. RATH I'm not done yet. EXT. CITY STREET INTERSECTION A brand new cab is sitting at a red light. The cabby looks into the rearview mirror, as a pair of headlights roll up behind him. The car gets closer, the lights brighter; they don't stop. He shrieks as the CAR SMASHES INTO HIS, TEARING OFF HIS BUMPER. The cabby jumps out, rattling off a string of obscenities. Rath gets out of the white car, starting to apologize, as the cabby moves toward him. When he's close enough, Rath decks him, knocking him unconscious. He picks him up and puts him in the white car. Rath then gets in the cab and when the light changes to green, he drives off. INT. CAB Rath circles the area, turning up the cab's CB. A couple of CALLS CRACKLE through the speaker, before he hears what he's waiting for; an airport fare in this area. At the intersection of Adams and Nine. He picks up the mike. RATH This is 1242. I got it. EXT. ADAMS AND NINE It is a deserted intersection. The buildings are dark and some of the street lights are out. The cab sits by itself, ENGINE RUNNING, its taillights glowing through the exhaust. INT. CAB Rath holds his gun cocked beneath his coat. His other hand grips the door handle. As he waits, watching the intersection, he notices the cabby's ID pinned to the dashboard. Leaving the gun in his jacket, he reaches for the ID card. He rips it from the dash and as he drops it under the seat, the door behind him opens. Someone gets in and closes the door. Rath peers into the rearview mirror. It is Bain. For the first time we realize that the front and back of the cab is separated by an inch of bullet proof glass. There is an awkward silence as Rath sits, unsure. Bain looks at him. BAIN Is there a problem? RATH No. No problem. The airport, right? BAIN Right. The cab pulls out of the intersection. INT. CAB Rath studies Bain. There is a thin line of blood down his temple. Bain is oblivious to it and pulls out his Gameboy, resuming his game of Tetris. RATH How'd you cut yourself? Their voices are distorted through the small electric amplifier set in the bullet proof glass near the metal money exchanger. Bain touches the blood on his forehead, looking at it a bit surprised. BAIN Oh? Working. A little accident. He wipes it off as best he can. RATH You a waiter? You look like a waiter. Bain is uninterested. BAIN Yeah. Yeah, I'm a waiter. RATH Where?

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Assassins Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS "Assassins", early draft, by Larry & Andy Wachowski ASSASSINS Written by Larry and Andy Wachowski August 12, 1994 FADE IN: PERFECT SQUARE OF BLACK We know that we are looking at something because its polished surface shimmers with light. PULLING BACK, other squares are revealed; the black and white tiles of a chess board. The board rises and spins, slipping beneath us we find ourselves MOVING ACROSS the board, MOVING THROUGH a chess game. The pieces are everywhere, checking and covering other pieces. It has reached that critical moment when pieces are traded and the board begins to clear as two strategies unravel towards a final outcome. Standing above the pieces around him, we see the black king. We MOVE CLOSER TOWARDS his face, CLOSER TO his chiseled ebony features, CLOSER UNTIL we are staring into his cold black eyes... DISSOLVE TO: EXT. MARSH - SUNGLASSES - DUSK The red setting sun is reflected in the black lens. Two men are tromping through the calf-deep mud of an end- less marsh. It is fall, the first frost not far away and the foliage is brown and bare. With the red-orange ball of fire melting into the horizon, the two men at first appear as only silhouettes or shadows slogging through the mire. The man with the sunglasses walks behind the other man. He is very well-dressed in a dark suit. A .22 caliber gun, fitted with a long silencer, dangles from his hand. His name is ROBERT RATH. The other man is WILLIE KETCHAM. He is also wearing a very expensive suit though it is being destroyed by the brambles and mud. As he lifts his foot his Gucci shoe is sucked off by the mud. KETCHAM Aw-shit! He balances on one leg, holding his silk-socked foot in the air. He looks at the shoe, already filling with mud. He looks at Rath. KETCHAM How much farther? RATH Just a little ways. Up to those trees. About a half mile further into the thickening marsh there is a small cluster of trees. KETCHAM Oh, fuck it. He pulls his sock off and plunges his foot into the mud. He smiles. It feels good. He hurls the sock. Lifting his other foot he pulls his shoe off and hurls that. He grabs for the other sock, struggling to get it off, laughing at himself as he slips and falls into the mud. Rath waits, a faint smile. He manages to get the sock off and then stands digging both feet into the dark, wet earth. KETCHAM Hey, this feels kinda good. They move on, Ketcham almost playing, sinking his feet deep pulling them out to make a SPLURCHING, SUCKING NOISE. KETCHAM Hey, do you mind if I talk a little? I feel like, I don't know, talking I guess. RATH Sure. KETCHAM Funny, I've never been a talker. My wife was always getting on me about that. 'Say what you feel, tell me what's bothering you, you ve got to talk to me.' I never would though. Not really. RATH Why not? KETCHAM I don't know. Part of me wanted to but part of me always said, 'What's she going to be able to do?' I don't know. Maybe I didn't trust her. He picks up a handful of mud and begins shaping it like a snowball. KETCHAM My Margaret... I loved her but you know what? I cheated on her. All the time. I don't even know why. It wasn't the sex, Margaret was great in bed. I think if I wasn't married I wouldn't have even looked at some of those women. I knew she couldn't trust me, so how could I trust her? If she was here right now I'd think that I would tell her that I was sorry... 'course, if she were here right now, maybe I wouldn't feel like talking. He throws the mud ball at the grove of trees but they are too far. KETCHAM I think I've heard of you. RATH It's possible. KETCHAM You're pretty famous aren't you? RATH I hope not. KETCHAM I know this may seem like a strange question, but can I ask you how much the contract was for -- not to insult you or anything, I know you're a professional, but just for me, I was just wondering. RATH It's a common question. KETCHAM Oh yeah? I guess we still need to see that price tag. Like art, right? You hang some painting that looks like baby-puke in your living room only if it costs a bundle. RATH A dime. KETCHAM One hundred thousand? That's it? Jesus... Is that a lot? RATH Average. KETCHAM Shit... oh well. Ketcham laughs. KETCHAM I have been thinking about this for a long while. I knew this day was coming. I knew someday someone would make the call on me. I never thought about anyone that I had whacked. What do you call it anyway? RATH Taken. KETCHAM 'Taken.' That's nice. When I had someone taken I would call our General Contractor, transfer the money and as soon as I hung up the phone I forgot about them. RATH Everyone who plays the game knows the rules. KETCHAM That's exactly what I told myself. Ketcham laughs again. He is getting kind of giggly, like he's high. KETCHAM I always wondered what I'd be thinking at this exact moment. I imagined that I would be thinking about the fucker who contracted this, trying to figure out who it was... Something occurs to him and he looks back at Rath. RATH Don't know. That's how it works. KETCHAM That's what our General Contractor told us but how can you trust someone like that? RATH Right. KETCHAM I thought that I would be thinking about Margaret, or work, or that I'd be having these deep, profound and depressing thoughts but I'm not. I'm trying to think really profound thoughts, but I can't. It seems very funny to me. RATH What are you thinking about? KETCHAM I'm thinking about Moonpies. Ain't that funny? I haven't had a Moonpie since I was ten years old. Right now, I'm thinking how much I'd love one. RATH And an R.C. He's 'laughing' and Rath laughs with him. Ketcham suddenly stops laughing. They are nearly to the cluster of trees. KETCHAM Can I ask you something? RATH Go ahead. KETCHAM What do other guys do? He looks at the trees, his voice dying in the WIND. RATH Everyone handles it differently. Some are ready, some are not. KETCHAM Do they get down on their knees, begging and crying? RATH Some. KETCHAM When I thought about this, that was always there, in the back of my head, that image of me on my knees, crying. It wouldn't go away and it would really upset me. It was something that I could never get away from... but now, I feel it's okay. I feel good. RATH Can I ask you a question? KETCHAM Anything. RATH Why didn't you fade? KETCHAM You mean quit? RATH Yeah. KETCHAM I used to think about it. I had Margaret. She wanted kids. I thought about moving somewhere far away like, Europe. I could see all of that, the first part, the getting away but I couldn't see that next part. 'Then what?' So I'd stop thinking about it and go back to work. You understand? RATH Yeah. Ketcham smiles and looks around at the grove of birch trees. KETCHAM I always pictured that I would end in some land fill, under someone else's garbage. I kept picturing those plastic diapers filled with some baby's green shit, covering me. But this is nice... He looks at the sun, bloody red seeping into the black horizon. KETCHAM Look at that. I haven't watched the sun set in a million years. Do you mind? RATH No. Ketcham stares at the last of the light. KETCHAM Nice... real nice. With his face hidden from Rath he begins to cry. Rath watches Ketcham staring at the setting sun. Rath looks down at the gun limply held in his hand. When the sun is gone, a red glow at the bottom of a dark- ening sky, we hear the GUN, SILENCED, ONCE, then the BODY FALLING INTO THE MUD. After a beat we hear TWO MORE SHOTS. Ketcham is lying face down, already sinking into the mud, a red cloud mushrooming around his head like the red haze left by the dying sun. Rath breathes in deep and lets the air out slowly, stand- ing alone in the middle of nowhere. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT The room is dark and still. A man is standing at a wall of windows that glow from the amber wash of urban light. Snow is falling, heavy white flakes glittering in the city's electric night. The man finishes his bourbon, ICE CLINKING in the empty glass. He is slightly drunk and he sways forward until his forehead rests against the window. In the dim light, we recognize the man as Rath. Outside there is a beautiful stone church decorated for Christmas. He watches the snowflakes drift to the distant street below. He is wondering what it would feel like to let himself fall, when there is a KNOCK at the door. Crossing the room, he opens the door. Backlit by the bright hallway light is a WOMAN. She has already removed her coat and though she is only a silhouette we can see that her dress is very short and very tight. ESCORT (WOMAN) Hi. Did you call -- RATH Yes. Please come in. Her HIGH HEELS TAP against the tile foyer as she enters and he takes her coat. ESCORT Goodness, it's so dark... She reaches for the wall switch but he stops her. RATH I prefer it like this. ESCORT How can a beautiful man like you be shy? He smiles. RATH I prefer it, that's all. She moves closer to him, the sexual confidence of her body radiating like heat. ESCORT It's okay, honey. We can do it anyway you want. Rath is obviously uncomfortable. RATH Would you like a drink? ESCORT I'd love one. Whatever you're having. They move into the room, from a distance, as featureless as two shadows. She stands at the windows watching the snow-bubble of a city night. ESCORT Beautiful. He hands her the drink. Her smile is bright and perfect. ESCORT Good will towards men. Their glasses clink as he drains half his drink. If she drinks at all, we can not tell. RATH Why are you working today? ESCORT Holidays are our busiest days. No one likes to be alone on holidays. I know I don't. She touches his face, the caress and her expression of tenderness seemingly genuine. RATH You're very good at this aren't you? ESCORT I think you're supposed to answer that question. Her hand slides down his chest, but before it goes any farther Rath turns away, returning to the bar. RATH I know what you expect, but I don't want... He pours himself another drink. ESCORT That's okay, hon, I always expect the unexpected. RATH I called because I just want... I need to talk. She sits on the couch, her body language changing, as she becomes a listener. RATH I've been thinking about my life, about things I have done... What I do for a living is in some ways similiar to what you do. He sits on the other end of the couch, his words thickened by the alcohol. RATH I know that everything has a price. I want you to understand that I'm willing to pay. He takes out an envelope and puts it between them. She picks it up, glancing inside at a stack of hundred dollar bills. ESCORT For what? RATH Honesty. She puts the envelope down. RATH I just want to ask you some questions. Uncomfortable, she waits as he searches his drink for the right words. RATH Do you ever regret things you've done? ESCORT Everyone regrets something. RATH But when you finLsh a job, afterwards do you think about them? ESCORT Sometimes. RATH Do you think about their wives or their families? ESCORT No. They call me, I don't call them. If they didn't call I wouldn't exist. Rath nods. His next question is barely audible. RATH Do you ever think about starting over? ESCORT All the time. RATH Can you tell me about it? For the first time we really see her take a drink. She closes her eyes. ESCORT Sometimes I dream that I meet a man, this good, honest man and we fall in love. I imagine us living on a boat, reading books, sailing to places where no one knows who we were or cares what we did. She opens her eyes and looks at him. RATH And what if you never meet that man? She smiles. ESCORT Then, I'll sail alone. RATH Do you believe that? ESCORT Are you asking me if I believe in another life? Rath nods. ESCORT I have to. She finishes her drink. ESCORT Is that all you want? RATH Yes. She picks up the money and stands. RATH Thank you. ESCORT Anytime. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT It is the same room but now it is very cluttered, room service trays and empty liquor bottles tossed about. He has been here for a while. He is sitting at the table, staring intensely at a chess game; we see the board and all of the pieces set in the same positions as in the opening sequence. He rubs at the whiskers that have darkened his face and then finishes off another bottle of bourbon. He flings the empty bottle across the room as he reaches over the board and moves one of white knights, taking a black rook. A sequence begins, obvious, and he works through it moving both the black and white pieces. Suddenly he stops. He gets up and shifts to the other side of the board, studying the game from white's perspective. Another sequence emerges and he trades the pieces through it as he moves around the table, returning to his place behind the black king. The games reaches its end as black is check-mated. He slumps down onto the table and looks across at the white king. RATH Fuck you, Nick. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAWN Rath is at a desk where he has set up his computer office; a cellular phone is plugged into a modem with cables winding through a scrambler and then into a fax machine and the latest high-powered lap-top computer. On the table near the desk, we see the .22, dismantled and cleaned, spread out on a white towel. He types in a complicated access code sequence, then waits, staring at the blank screen. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Where have you been, Robert? RATH/SCREEN Sick. The flu. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I don't believe you. RATH I don't give a fuck -- RATH/SCREEN It's true. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I have been sitting on a contract from Cleveland for six days because of you. RATH Fuck you, fuck Cleveland, and fuck your contracts -- RATH/SCREEN I need a rest. CONTRACTOR/ SCREEN That's impossible, Robert. You're at the top of your field. These are the best contracts. To stop now would be self-destructive. He looks away from the screen and sees the chess game on the table. RATH/SCREEN Send the file. I'll have the estimate tonight. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I'm worried about you, Robert. RATH You fucking should be -- RATH/SCREEN Don't be. On the screen the word "Transmitting" appears. Rath slowly gets out of his chair. The FAX MACHINE CLICKS and HUXS to life as a photograph of a smiling, old Italian man curls onto the desk. Rath begins destroying the hotel room, smashing anything he can get his hands on. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAY Rath is in the middle of the room which he has demolished. Having showered and shaved, he is now standing naked, in the midst of the rubble, practicing the slow and graceful art of Tai Chi. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is working at the desk. He is tallying numbers, materials, totaling his estimate. Spread out over the table are several faxed photos of the old Italian, Leevio Valli, usually surrounded by bodyguards. The file details Valli's life and his daily routine. It includes: phone bills, credit card and bank account statements, driver license and vehicle registration, the real estate listing of his house and even a copy of his income tax return. Satisfied with his figures, Rath plugs the phone into the modem and makes a call. The network comes on-line as the General Contractor types: CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You're too late, Robert. Rath types. RATH/SCREEN What? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN The contract was stolen. Rath stares at the screen. RATH/SCREEN Who? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN A new player. He's using the name Nicholai. The name hits Rath and he sits, unable to breathe. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You know what must be done. The screen goes black as the network shuts down. Rath looks down at the pile of assembled facts. He lifts a credit card bill on which the name of a restaurant appears every Friday. The name of the restaurant has been circled in red pen by Rath: "Trattoria Roma." EXT. TRATTORIA ROMA - NIGHT A red awning spans the entrance of a popular Italian restaurant. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA It is a large establishment with many tables and booths. The dinner crowd is a mix of yuppies and older Italian families who have been eating here for years. Rath is sitting alone at a booth. With very subtle changes to his appearance, he looks like an older Italian. In front of him is a glass and a carafe of dark red wine. He touches neither of them. His eyes shift as he studies the room. LEEVIO VALLI pushes into the restaurant surrounded by five gorillas in Italian suits. The owner hurries to greet them, hugging, kissing, speaking only Italian. The entourage moves through the restaurant to the over- sized booth in the back. Rath does not look twice at them. Immediately he is watching everyone else, looking for the other assassin. Leevio slides into the booth as his goons stand and sit around the table, obscuring him from all parts of the room. A wine steward immediately brings a bottle of red wine and fills their glasses. A pretty waitress sets a steaming loaf of garlic bread out and a giant bowl of minestrone in front of Leevio. He tells her something and she giggles. They joke in Italian, watching her ass as she wiggles back to the kitchen. At Leevio's table the wine steward returns to fill their glasses. It is the goon standing against the wall that is the first to realize that it is not the same wine steward. He is the second assassin, much younger than Rath. His name is BAIN. He smiles. The goon reaches for his gun as -- Bain SHATTERS the BOTTLE of wine into his face. He screams. Leevio coughs a spray of minestrone, as a GUN flashes free from the white linen towel hung over the steward's arm. It happens instantly. FOUR SHOTS and the goons are dead. Leevio screams. LEEVIO Don't! A FIFTH, SIXTH and SEVENTH SHOT. Leevio's body falls forward and softly thuds on the table. Bain whips around drawing a small SEMI-AUTOMATIC WEAPON from his belt expecting an attack. Facing the screaming crowd, he begins to SHOOT anyone who moves or stands, men or women. There is chaos in the restaurant. People scream, falling to the ground, scrambling under tables. Bain is sweating, his eyes shifting wildly from one end of the room to the other. The restaurant falls quiet except for several people who are sobbing. He moves through the room, watching, searching. BAIN Don't anybody move. You move, you're dead. He passes the table Rath was sitting at, but it is empty. BAIN Come on, you chicken shit motherfucker. I know you're here. Let's go. EXT. CONCRETE PARKING GARAGE Across the street from Trattoria Roma, Rath jacks together a German assault rifle with night scope. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain looks out the window at the dark street. He turns and searches through the people huddled on the floor. He aims his gun. BAIN You! Get up! A quivering wine steward stands. He points to another. BAIN You, too! Up! EXT. PARKING GARAGE THROUGH the NIGHT SCOPE we see the front door to the restaurant open and a group of wine stewards clumped together slowly back out. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain is second from the end, both guns aimed at the stewards. One of them begins to cry. BAIN Not yet. Don't move or you're fucking dead. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath moves the scope back and forth, unable to pick out the assassin. RATH Shit. Just do them all. All of them. Shit. He can't pull the trigger. EXT. TRATTORIA STOREFRONT The group moves toward the street. BAIN Now run! Like dogs out of the gate, they bolt. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as they scatter, finding Bain in his scope. EXT. STREET A chunk of BRICK EXPLODES from the wall just behind Bain's head as he drops behind the row of parked cars along the curb. He laughs. We get the idea that Bain is enjoying this. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath looks over his scope, talking to himself. He is sweating. RATH Shit. What are you doing, old man? You're too fucking slow. He looks back into the scope and begins scanning the line of cars. RATH Okay. Which one? Which one is yours? EXT. CITY STREET Bain is crawling alongside the tightly parked cars, staying low and out of sight. He works his way up to a black Mercedes that is parked illegally next to a fire hydrant and takes out his keys. He hits the remote unlocking the doors. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath finds the fire hydrant in his scope, almost obscured by the parked Mercedes. RATH Amateur. He takes aim. EXT. CITY STREET Just as Bain starts to open the door, the front TIRE EXPLODES. Another second, the back TIRE EXPLODES. BAIN Fuck! INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath waits, steely calm, his finger on the trigger. RATH Your move. EXT. CITY STREET Bain hears the growing wail of POLICE SIRENS. Thinking for a moment, he opens the car door and pulls a long handled switchblade and a roll of electrician's tape from the glove compartment. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath sees the car light go on, but can't make out what Bain is doing. The SIRENS are GETTING LOUDER. There's a lot of them. EXT. CITY STREET Bain finishes taping the knife to his forearm and rolls his shirt sleeve down. From his pocket he takes out a Gameboy and begins playing "Tetris." INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as the police cars come racing down the street. EXT. CITY STREET The CARS SCREECH to a halt in front of the restaurant. The COPS jump out, drawing their weapons. Bain throws his guns down, raising his hands in the air. BAIN Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I give up! More CARS come SCREECHING up as the two officers hold their beads on Bain. COP Hit the ground! Face down! Spread your legs! Bain follows the orders as the second cop edges up to him, frisking him. In this position the Cop is unable to find the knife strapped to Bain's forearm, but finds the Gameboy. BAIN Hey, don't touch that! COP Shut up! The Cop twists Bain's arms behind his back, handcuffing him tightly. They drag him to his feet, a swarm of police and paramedics in the street. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath holds them in his cross hairs as they move to the police car, but is unable to get a clean shot. Bain is using the cops for cover, keeping his head low. RATH Son of a bitch. The Cops shove Bain into the back seat. Rath very quickly walks to his car, tossing his gun into the trunk. He gets in and STARTS the ENGINE. INT. PATROL CAR The two Officers are outside the car talking with the sergeant. Bain, laying low beneath the windows, peeks up at the shadowy parking garage. He smiles. The two Policemen get in the car, the second picking up the radio. The driver GUNS the ENGINE and the black and white RUMBLES down the street. COP #2 This is 181, returning with suspect involved in multiple shooting at Trattoria Roma. Repeat, en route with suspect. He hangs up the radio and looks back at Bain through the metal caging. COP #2 Jesus Christ, do you know who you shot in there? Bain almost laughs. COP #2 What are you? Some kind of a hitman? Bain looks out the window. COP #2 You know what we call guys like you? Bain looks at him. COP #2 Sizzle lean. They're gonna fry your ass. He laughs at his own joke, looking at his partner, who chuckles. EXT. CITY STREET Rath's car races down the street trying to catch up with the patrol car. INT. PATROL CAR Bain stares out the window, silent. Behind his back, he takes hold of his left thumb with his right hand. The Cop is playing with the Gameboy. With a quick jerk, he yanks the thumb out of its socket. His expression remains perfectly blank. The thumb hangs unnaturally from the hand. The skin stretches strangely as he pulls the metal cuff from his wrist. The Cop turns as the SWITCHBLADE CLICKS and Bain sticks the knife through the wire mesh, into the cop's eye. A font of blood arcs onto the windshield. Grabbing hold of the driver's shirt collar, Bain jabs the blade into the back of his neck. The driver screams trying to pull free of Bain's grip. He slams on the brakes, groping for his gun and the CAR SKIDS out of control. Bain stabs the Cop again, his GUN FIRING WILDLY as -- The patrol car starts to flip and roll. INT. RATH'S CAR Rath turns as he hears an EXPLOSION, several blocks away. The TIRES SQUEAL as he makes a hard right. EXT. STREET Orange flames lick up from the belly of the overturned patrol car. Oil black clouds billow into the night sky. Rath's car cruises past. Rath sees the back seat window shattered, kicked out. Bain is gone. RATH I'm not done yet. EXT. CITY STREET INTERSECTION A brand new cab is sitting at a red light. The cabby looks into the rearview mirror, as a pair of headlights roll up behind him. The car gets closer, the lights brighter; they don't stop. He shrieks as the CAR SMASHES INTO HIS, TEARING OFF HIS BUMPER. The cabby jumps out, rattling off a string of obscenities. Rath gets out of the white car, starting to apologize, as the cabby moves toward him. When he's close enough, Rath decks him, knocking him unconscious. He picks him up and puts him in the white car. Rath then gets in the cab and when the light changes to green, he drives off. INT. CAB Rath circles the area, turning up the cab's CB. A couple of CALLS CRACKLE through the speaker, before he hears what he's waiting for; an airport fare in this area. At the intersection of Adams and Nine. He picks up the mike. RATH This is 1242. I got it. EXT. ADAMS AND NINE It is a deserted intersection. The buildings are dark and some of the street lights are out. The cab sits by itself, ENGINE RUNNING, its taillights glowing through the exhaust. INT. CAB Rath holds his gun cocked beneath his coat. His other hand grips the door handle. As he waits, watching the intersection, he notices the cabby's ID pinned to the dashboard. Leaving the gun in his jacket, he reaches for the ID card. He rips it from the dash and as he drops it under the seat, the door behind him opens. Someone gets in and closes the door. Rath peers into the rearview mirror. It is Bain. For the first time we realize that the front and back of the cab is separated by an inch of bullet proof glass. There is an awkward silence as Rath sits, unsure. Bain looks at him. BAIN Is there a problem? RATH No. No problem. The airport, right? BAIN Right. The cab pulls out of the intersection. INT. CAB Rath studies Bain. There is a thin line of blood down his temple. Bain is oblivious to it and pulls out his Gameboy, resuming his game of Tetris. RATH How'd you cut yourself? Their voices are distorted through the small electric amplifier set in the bullet proof glass near the metal money exchanger. Bain touches the blood on his forehead, looking at it a bit surprised. BAIN Oh? Working. A little accident. He wipes it off as best he can. RATH You a waiter? You look like a waiter. Bain is uninterested. BAIN Yeah. Yeah, I'm a waiter. RATH Where?

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Assassins Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS "Assassins", early draft, by Larry & Andy Wachowski ASSASSINS Written by Larry and Andy Wachowski August 12, 1994 FADE IN: PERFECT SQUARE OF BLACK We know that we are looking at something because its polished surface shimmers with light. PULLING BACK, other squares are revealed; the black and white tiles of a chess board. The board rises and spins, slipping beneath us we find ourselves MOVING ACROSS the board, MOVING THROUGH a chess game. The pieces are everywhere, checking and covering other pieces. It has reached that critical moment when pieces are traded and the board begins to clear as two strategies unravel towards a final outcome. Standing above the pieces around him, we see the black king. We MOVE CLOSER TOWARDS his face, CLOSER TO his chiseled ebony features, CLOSER UNTIL we are staring into his cold black eyes... DISSOLVE TO: EXT. MARSH - SUNGLASSES - DUSK The red setting sun is reflected in the black lens. Two men are tromping through the calf-deep mud of an end- less marsh. It is fall, the first frost not far away and the foliage is brown and bare. With the red-orange ball of fire melting into the horizon, the two men at first appear as only silhouettes or shadows slogging through the mire. The man with the sunglasses walks behind the other man. He is very well-dressed in a dark suit. A .22 caliber gun, fitted with a long silencer, dangles from his hand. His name is ROBERT RATH. The other man is WILLIE KETCHAM. He is also wearing a very expensive suit though it is being destroyed by the brambles and mud. As he lifts his foot his Gucci shoe is sucked off by the mud. KETCHAM Aw-shit! He balances on one leg, holding his silk-socked foot in the air. He looks at the shoe, already filling with mud. He looks at Rath. KETCHAM How much farther? RATH Just a little ways. Up to those trees. About a half mile further into the thickening marsh there is a small cluster of trees. KETCHAM Oh, fuck it. He pulls his sock off and plunges his foot into the mud. He smiles. It feels good. He hurls the sock. Lifting his other foot he pulls his shoe off and hurls that. He grabs for the other sock, struggling to get it off, laughing at himself as he slips and falls into the mud. Rath waits, a faint smile. He manages to get the sock off and then stands digging both feet into the dark, wet earth. KETCHAM Hey, this feels kinda good. They move on, Ketcham almost playing, sinking his feet deep pulling them out to make a SPLURCHING, SUCKING NOISE. KETCHAM Hey, do you mind if I talk a little? I feel like, I don't know, talking I guess. RATH Sure. KETCHAM Funny, I've never been a talker. My wife was always getting on me about that. 'Say what you feel, tell me what's bothering you, you ve got to talk to me.' I never would though. Not really. RATH Why not? KETCHAM I don't know. Part of me wanted to but part of me always said, 'What's she going to be able to do?' I don't know. Maybe I didn't trust her. He picks up a handful of mud and begins shaping it like a snowball. KETCHAM My Margaret... I loved her but you know what? I cheated on her. All the time. I don't even know why. It wasn't the sex, Margaret was great in bed. I think if I wasn't married I wouldn't have even looked at some of those women. I knew she couldn't trust me, so how could I trust her? If she was here right now I'd think that I would tell her that I was sorry... 'course, if she were here right now, maybe I wouldn't feel like talking. He throws the mud ball at the grove of trees but they are too far. KETCHAM I think I've heard of you. RATH It's possible. KETCHAM You're pretty famous aren't you? RATH I hope not. KETCHAM I know this may seem like a strange question, but can I ask you how much the contract was for -- not to insult you or anything, I know you're a professional, but just for me, I was just wondering. RATH It's a common question. KETCHAM Oh yeah? I guess we still need to see that price tag. Like art, right? You hang some painting that looks like baby-puke in your living room only if it costs a bundle. RATH A dime. KETCHAM One hundred thousand? That's it? Jesus... Is that a lot? RATH Average. KETCHAM Shit... oh well. Ketcham laughs. KETCHAM I have been thinking about this for a long while. I knew this day was coming. I knew someday someone would make the call on me. I never thought about anyone that I had whacked. What do you call it anyway? RATH Taken. KETCHAM 'Taken.' That's nice. When I had someone taken I would call our General Contractor, transfer the money and as soon as I hung up the phone I forgot about them. RATH Everyone who plays the game knows the rules. KETCHAM That's exactly what I told myself. Ketcham laughs again. He is getting kind of giggly, like he's high. KETCHAM I always wondered what I'd be thinking at this exact moment. I imagined that I would be thinking about the fucker who contracted this, trying to figure out who it was... Something occurs to him and he looks back at Rath. RATH Don't know. That's how it works. KETCHAM That's what our General Contractor told us but how can you trust someone like that? RATH Right. KETCHAM I thought that I would be thinking about Margaret, or work, or that I'd be having these deep, profound and depressing thoughts but I'm not. I'm trying to think really profound thoughts, but I can't. It seems very funny to me. RATH What are you thinking about? KETCHAM I'm thinking about Moonpies. Ain't that funny? I haven't had a Moonpie since I was ten years old. Right now, I'm thinking how much I'd love one. RATH And an R.C. He's 'laughing' and Rath laughs with him. Ketcham suddenly stops laughing. They are nearly to the cluster of trees. KETCHAM Can I ask you something? RATH Go ahead. KETCHAM What do other guys do? He looks at the trees, his voice dying in the WIND. RATH Everyone handles it differently. Some are ready, some are not. KETCHAM Do they get down on their knees, begging and crying? RATH Some. KETCHAM When I thought about this, that was always there, in the back of my head, that image of me on my knees, crying. It wouldn't go away and it would really upset me. It was something that I could never get away from... but now, I feel it's okay. I feel good. RATH Can I ask you a question? KETCHAM Anything. RATH Why didn't you fade? KETCHAM You mean quit? RATH Yeah. KETCHAM I used to think about it. I had Margaret. She wanted kids. I thought about moving somewhere far away like, Europe. I could see all of that, the first part, the getting away but I couldn't see that next part. 'Then what?' So I'd stop thinking about it and go back to work. You understand? RATH Yeah. Ketcham smiles and looks around at the grove of birch trees. KETCHAM I always pictured that I would end in some land fill, under someone else's garbage. I kept picturing those plastic diapers filled with some baby's green shit, covering me. But this is nice... He looks at the sun, bloody red seeping into the black horizon. KETCHAM Look at that. I haven't watched the sun set in a million years. Do you mind? RATH No. Ketcham stares at the last of the light. KETCHAM Nice... real nice. With his face hidden from Rath he begins to cry. Rath watches Ketcham staring at the setting sun. Rath looks down at the gun limply held in his hand. When the sun is gone, a red glow at the bottom of a dark- ening sky, we hear the GUN, SILENCED, ONCE, then the BODY FALLING INTO THE MUD. After a beat we hear TWO MORE SHOTS. Ketcham is lying face down, already sinking into the mud, a red cloud mushrooming around his head like the red haze left by the dying sun. Rath breathes in deep and lets the air out slowly, stand- ing alone in the middle of nowhere. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT The room is dark and still. A man is standing at a wall of windows that glow from the amber wash of urban light. Snow is falling, heavy white flakes glittering in the city's electric night. The man finishes his bourbon, ICE CLINKING in the empty glass. He is slightly drunk and he sways forward until his forehead rests against the window. In the dim light, we recognize the man as Rath. Outside there is a beautiful stone church decorated for Christmas. He watches the snowflakes drift to the distant street below. He is wondering what it would feel like to let himself fall, when there is a KNOCK at the door. Crossing the room, he opens the door. Backlit by the bright hallway light is a WOMAN. She has already removed her coat and though she is only a silhouette we can see that her dress is very short and very tight. ESCORT (WOMAN) Hi. Did you call -- RATH Yes. Please come in. Her HIGH HEELS TAP against the tile foyer as she enters and he takes her coat. ESCORT Goodness, it's so dark... She reaches for the wall switch but he stops her. RATH I prefer it like this. ESCORT How can a beautiful man like you be shy? He smiles. RATH I prefer it, that's all. She moves closer to him, the sexual confidence of her body radiating like heat. ESCORT It's okay, honey. We can do it anyway you want. Rath is obviously uncomfortable. RATH Would you like a drink? ESCORT I'd love one. Whatever you're having. They move into the room, from a distance, as featureless as two shadows. She stands at the windows watching the snow-bubble of a city night. ESCORT Beautiful. He hands her the drink. Her smile is bright and perfect. ESCORT Good will towards men. Their glasses clink as he drains half his drink. If she drinks at all, we can not tell. RATH Why are you working today? ESCORT Holidays are our busiest days. No one likes to be alone on holidays. I know I don't. She touches his face, the caress and her expression of tenderness seemingly genuine. RATH You're very good at this aren't you? ESCORT I think you're supposed to answer that question. Her hand slides down his chest, but before it goes any farther Rath turns away, returning to the bar. RATH I know what you expect, but I don't want... He pours himself another drink. ESCORT That's okay, hon, I always expect the unexpected. RATH I called because I just want... I need to talk. She sits on the couch, her body language changing, as she becomes a listener. RATH I've been thinking about my life, about things I have done... What I do for a living is in some ways similiar to what you do. He sits on the other end of the couch, his words thickened by the alcohol. RATH I know that everything has a price. I want you to understand that I'm willing to pay. He takes out an envelope and puts it between them. She picks it up, glancing inside at a stack of hundred dollar bills. ESCORT For what? RATH Honesty. She puts the envelope down. RATH I just want to ask you some questions. Uncomfortable, she waits as he searches his drink for the right words. RATH Do you ever regret things you've done? ESCORT Everyone regrets something. RATH But when you finLsh a job, afterwards do you think about them? ESCORT Sometimes. RATH Do you think about their wives or their families? ESCORT No. They call me, I don't call them. If they didn't call I wouldn't exist. Rath nods. His next question is barely audible. RATH Do you ever think about starting over? ESCORT All the time. RATH Can you tell me about it? For the first time we really see her take a drink. She closes her eyes. ESCORT Sometimes I dream that I meet a man, this good, honest man and we fall in love. I imagine us living on a boat, reading books, sailing to places where no one knows who we were or cares what we did. She opens her eyes and looks at him. RATH And what if you never meet that man? She smiles. ESCORT Then, I'll sail alone. RATH Do you believe that? ESCORT Are you asking me if I believe in another life? Rath nods. ESCORT I have to. She finishes her drink. ESCORT Is that all you want? RATH Yes. She picks up the money and stands. RATH Thank you. ESCORT Anytime. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT It is the same room but now it is very cluttered, room service trays and empty liquor bottles tossed about. He has been here for a while. He is sitting at the table, staring intensely at a chess game; we see the board and all of the pieces set in the same positions as in the opening sequence. He rubs at the whiskers that have darkened his face and then finishes off another bottle of bourbon. He flings the empty bottle across the room as he reaches over the board and moves one of white knights, taking a black rook. A sequence begins, obvious, and he works through it moving both the black and white pieces. Suddenly he stops. He gets up and shifts to the other side of the board, studying the game from white's perspective. Another sequence emerges and he trades the pieces through it as he moves around the table, returning to his place behind the black king. The games reaches its end as black is check-mated. He slumps down onto the table and looks across at the white king. RATH Fuck you, Nick. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAWN Rath is at a desk where he has set up his computer office; a cellular phone is plugged into a modem with cables winding through a scrambler and then into a fax machine and the latest high-powered lap-top computer. On the table near the desk, we see the .22, dismantled and cleaned, spread out on a white towel. He types in a complicated access code sequence, then waits, staring at the blank screen. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Where have you been, Robert? RATH/SCREEN Sick. The flu. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I don't believe you. RATH I don't give a fuck -- RATH/SCREEN It's true. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I have been sitting on a contract from Cleveland for six days because of you. RATH Fuck you, fuck Cleveland, and fuck your contracts -- RATH/SCREEN I need a rest. CONTRACTOR/ SCREEN That's impossible, Robert. You're at the top of your field. These are the best contracts. To stop now would be self-destructive. He looks away from the screen and sees the chess game on the table. RATH/SCREEN Send the file. I'll have the estimate tonight. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I'm worried about you, Robert. RATH You fucking should be -- RATH/SCREEN Don't be. On the screen the word "Transmitting" appears. Rath slowly gets out of his chair. The FAX MACHINE CLICKS and HUXS to life as a photograph of a smiling, old Italian man curls onto the desk. Rath begins destroying the hotel room, smashing anything he can get his hands on. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAY Rath is in the middle of the room which he has demolished. Having showered and shaved, he is now standing naked, in the midst of the rubble, practicing the slow and graceful art of Tai Chi. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is working at the desk. He is tallying numbers, materials, totaling his estimate. Spread out over the table are several faxed photos of the old Italian, Leevio Valli, usually surrounded by bodyguards. The file details Valli's life and his daily routine. It includes: phone bills, credit card and bank account statements, driver license and vehicle registration, the real estate listing of his house and even a copy of his income tax return. Satisfied with his figures, Rath plugs the phone into the modem and makes a call. The network comes on-line as the General Contractor types: CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You're too late, Robert. Rath types. RATH/SCREEN What? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN The contract was stolen. Rath stares at the screen. RATH/SCREEN Who? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN A new player. He's using the name Nicholai. The name hits Rath and he sits, unable to breathe. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You know what must be done. The screen goes black as the network shuts down. Rath looks down at the pile of assembled facts. He lifts a credit card bill on which the name of a restaurant appears every Friday. The name of the restaurant has been circled in red pen by Rath: "Trattoria Roma." EXT. TRATTORIA ROMA - NIGHT A red awning spans the entrance of a popular Italian restaurant. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA It is a large establishment with many tables and booths. The dinner crowd is a mix of yuppies and older Italian families who have been eating here for years. Rath is sitting alone at a booth. With very subtle changes to his appearance, he looks like an older Italian. In front of him is a glass and a carafe of dark red wine. He touches neither of them. His eyes shift as he studies the room. LEEVIO VALLI pushes into the restaurant surrounded by five gorillas in Italian suits. The owner hurries to greet them, hugging, kissing, speaking only Italian. The entourage moves through the restaurant to the over- sized booth in the back. Rath does not look twice at them. Immediately he is watching everyone else, looking for the other assassin. Leevio slides into the booth as his goons stand and sit around the table, obscuring him from all parts of the room. A wine steward immediately brings a bottle of red wine and fills their glasses. A pretty waitress sets a steaming loaf of garlic bread out and a giant bowl of minestrone in front of Leevio. He tells her something and she giggles. They joke in Italian, watching her ass as she wiggles back to the kitchen. At Leevio's table the wine steward returns to fill their glasses. It is the goon standing against the wall that is the first to realize that it is not the same wine steward. He is the second assassin, much younger than Rath. His name is BAIN. He smiles. The goon reaches for his gun as -- Bain SHATTERS the BOTTLE of wine into his face. He screams. Leevio coughs a spray of minestrone, as a GUN flashes free from the white linen towel hung over the steward's arm. It happens instantly. FOUR SHOTS and the goons are dead. Leevio screams. LEEVIO Don't! A FIFTH, SIXTH and SEVENTH SHOT. Leevio's body falls forward and softly thuds on the table. Bain whips around drawing a small SEMI-AUTOMATIC WEAPON from his belt expecting an attack. Facing the screaming crowd, he begins to SHOOT anyone who moves or stands, men or women. There is chaos in the restaurant. People scream, falling to the ground, scrambling under tables. Bain is sweating, his eyes shifting wildly from one end of the room to the other. The restaurant falls quiet except for several people who are sobbing. He moves through the room, watching, searching. BAIN Don't anybody move. You move, you're dead. He passes the table Rath was sitting at, but it is empty. BAIN Come on, you chicken shit motherfucker. I know you're here. Let's go. EXT. CONCRETE PARKING GARAGE Across the street from Trattoria Roma, Rath jacks together a German assault rifle with night scope. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain looks out the window at the dark street. He turns and searches through the people huddled on the floor. He aims his gun. BAIN You! Get up! A quivering wine steward stands. He points to another. BAIN You, too! Up! EXT. PARKING GARAGE THROUGH the NIGHT SCOPE we see the front door to the restaurant open and a group of wine stewards clumped together slowly back out. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain is second from the end, both guns aimed at the stewards. One of them begins to cry. BAIN Not yet. Don't move or you're fucking dead. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath moves the scope back and forth, unable to pick out the assassin. RATH Shit. Just do them all. All of them. Shit. He can't pull the trigger. EXT. TRATTORIA STOREFRONT The group moves toward the street. BAIN Now run! Like dogs out of the gate, they bolt. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as they scatter, finding Bain in his scope. EXT. STREET A chunk of BRICK EXPLODES from the wall just behind Bain's head as he drops behind the row of parked cars along the curb. He laughs. We get the idea that Bain is enjoying this. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath looks over his scope, talking to himself. He is sweating. RATH Shit. What are you doing, old man? You're too fucking slow. He looks back into the scope and begins scanning the line of cars. RATH Okay. Which one? Which one is yours? EXT. CITY STREET Bain is crawling alongside the tightly parked cars, staying low and out of sight. He works his way up to a black Mercedes that is parked illegally next to a fire hydrant and takes out his keys. He hits the remote unlocking the doors. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath finds the fire hydrant in his scope, almost obscured by the parked Mercedes. RATH Amateur. He takes aim. EXT. CITY STREET Just as Bain starts to open the door, the front TIRE EXPLODES. Another second, the back TIRE EXPLODES. BAIN Fuck! INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath waits, steely calm, his finger on the trigger. RATH Your move. EXT. CITY STREET Bain hears the growing wail of POLICE SIRENS. Thinking for a moment, he opens the car door and pulls a long handled switchblade and a roll of electrician's tape from the glove compartment. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath sees the car light go on, but can't make out what Bain is doing. The SIRENS are GETTING LOUDER. There's a lot of them. EXT. CITY STREET Bain finishes taping the knife to his forearm and rolls his shirt sleeve down. From his pocket he takes out a Gameboy and begins playing "Tetris." INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as the police cars come racing down the street. EXT. CITY STREET The CARS SCREECH to a halt in front of the restaurant. The COPS jump out, drawing their weapons. Bain throws his guns down, raising his hands in the air. BAIN Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I give up! More CARS come SCREECHING up as the two officers hold their beads on Bain. COP Hit the ground! Face down! Spread your legs! Bain follows the orders as the second cop edges up to him, frisking him. In this position the Cop is unable to find the knife strapped to Bain's forearm, but finds the Gameboy. BAIN Hey, don't touch that! COP Shut up! The Cop twists Bain's arms behind his back, handcuffing him tightly. They drag him to his feet, a swarm of police and paramedics in the street. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath holds them in his cross hairs as they move to the police car, but is unable to get a clean shot. Bain is using the cops for cover, keeping his head low. RATH Son of a bitch. The Cops shove Bain into the back seat. Rath very quickly walks to his car, tossing his gun into the trunk. He gets in and STARTS the ENGINE. INT. PATROL CAR The two Officers are outside the car talking with the sergeant. Bain, laying low beneath the windows, peeks up at the shadowy parking garage. He smiles. The two Policemen get in the car, the second picking up the radio. The driver GUNS the ENGINE and the black and white RUMBLES down the street. COP #2 This is 181, returning with suspect involved in multiple shooting at Trattoria Roma. Repeat, en route with suspect. He hangs up the radio and looks back at Bain through the metal caging. COP #2 Jesus Christ, do you know who you shot in there? Bain almost laughs. COP #2 What are you? Some kind of a hitman? Bain looks out the window. COP #2 You know what we call guys like you? Bain looks at him. COP #2 Sizzle lean. They're gonna fry your ass. He laughs at his own joke, looking at his partner, who chuckles. EXT. CITY STREET Rath's car races down the street trying to catch up with the patrol car. INT. PATROL CAR Bain stares out the window, silent. Behind his back, he takes hold of his left thumb with his right hand. The Cop is playing with the Gameboy. With a quick jerk, he yanks the thumb out of its socket. His expression remains perfectly blank. The thumb hangs unnaturally from the hand. The skin stretches strangely as he pulls the metal cuff from his wrist. The Cop turns as the SWITCHBLADE CLICKS and Bain sticks the knife through the wire mesh, into the cop's eye. A font of blood arcs onto the windshield. Grabbing hold of the driver's shirt collar, Bain jabs the blade into the back of his neck. The driver screams trying to pull free of Bain's grip. He slams on the brakes, groping for his gun and the CAR SKIDS out of control. Bain stabs the Cop again, his GUN FIRING WILDLY as -- The patrol car starts to flip and roll. INT. RATH'S CAR Rath turns as he hears an EXPLOSION, several blocks away. The TIRES SQUEAL as he makes a hard right. EXT. STREET Orange flames lick up from the belly of the overturned patrol car. Oil black clouds billow into the night sky. Rath's car cruises past. Rath sees the back seat window shattered, kicked out. Bain is gone. RATH I'm not done yet. EXT. CITY STREET INTERSECTION A brand new cab is sitting at a red light. The cabby looks into the rearview mirror, as a pair of headlights roll up behind him. The car gets closer, the lights brighter; they don't stop. He shrieks as the CAR SMASHES INTO HIS, TEARING OFF HIS BUMPER. The cabby jumps out, rattling off a string of obscenities. Rath gets out of the white car, starting to apologize, as the cabby moves toward him. When he's close enough, Rath decks him, knocking him unconscious. He picks him up and puts him in the white car. Rath then gets in the cab and when the light changes to green, he drives off. INT. CAB Rath circles the area, turning up the cab's CB. A couple of CALLS CRACKLE through the speaker, before he hears what he's waiting for; an airport fare in this area. At the intersection of Adams and Nine. He picks up the mike. RATH This is 1242. I got it. EXT. ADAMS AND NINE It is a deserted intersection. The buildings are dark and some of the street lights are out. The cab sits by itself, ENGINE RUNNING, its taillights glowing through the exhaust. INT. CAB Rath holds his gun cocked beneath his coat. His other hand grips the door handle. As he waits, watching the intersection, he notices the cabby's ID pinned to the dashboard. Leaving the gun in his jacket, he reaches for the ID card. He rips it from the dash and as he drops it under the seat, the door behind him opens. Someone gets in and closes the door. Rath peers into the rearview mirror. It is Bain. For the first time we realize that the front and back of the cab is separated by an inch of bullet proof glass. There is an awkward silence as Rath sits, unsure. Bain looks at him. BAIN Is there a problem? RATH No. No problem. The airport, right? BAIN Right. The cab pulls out of the intersection. INT. CAB Rath studies Bain. There is a thin line of blood down his temple. Bain is oblivious to it and pulls out his Gameboy, resuming his game of Tetris. RATH How'd you cut yourself? Their voices are distorted through the small electric amplifier set in the bullet proof glass near the metal money exchanger. Bain touches the blood on his forehead, looking at it a bit surprised. BAIN Oh? Working. A little accident. He wipes it off as best he can. RATH You a waiter? You look like a waiter. Bain is uninterested. BAIN Yeah. Yeah, I'm a waiter. RATH Where?

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Assassins Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS "Assassins", early draft, by Larry & Andy Wachowski ASSASSINS Written by Larry and Andy Wachowski August 12, 1994 FADE IN: PERFECT SQUARE OF BLACK We know that we are looking at something because its polished surface shimmers with light. PULLING BACK, other squares are revealed; the black and white tiles of a chess board. The board rises and spins, slipping beneath us we find ourselves MOVING ACROSS the board, MOVING THROUGH a chess game. The pieces are everywhere, checking and covering other pieces. It has reached that critical moment when pieces are traded and the board begins to clear as two strategies unravel towards a final outcome. Standing above the pieces around him, we see the black king. We MOVE CLOSER TOWARDS his face, CLOSER TO his chiseled ebony features, CLOSER UNTIL we are staring into his cold black eyes... DISSOLVE TO: EXT. MARSH - SUNGLASSES - DUSK The red setting sun is reflected in the black lens. Two men are tromping through the calf-deep mud of an end- less marsh. It is fall, the first frost not far away and the foliage is brown and bare. With the red-orange ball of fire melting into the horizon, the two men at first appear as only silhouettes or shadows slogging through the mire. The man with the sunglasses walks behind the other man. He is very well-dressed in a dark suit. A .22 caliber gun, fitted with a long silencer, dangles from his hand. His name is ROBERT RATH. The other man is WILLIE KETCHAM. He is also wearing a very expensive suit though it is being destroyed by the brambles and mud. As he lifts his foot his Gucci shoe is sucked off by the mud. KETCHAM Aw-shit! He balances on one leg, holding his silk-socked foot in the air. He looks at the shoe, already filling with mud. He looks at Rath. KETCHAM How much farther? RATH Just a little ways. Up to those trees. About a half mile further into the thickening marsh there is a small cluster of trees. KETCHAM Oh, fuck it. He pulls his sock off and plunges his foot into the mud. He smiles. It feels good. He hurls the sock. Lifting his other foot he pulls his shoe off and hurls that. He grabs for the other sock, struggling to get it off, laughing at himself as he slips and falls into the mud. Rath waits, a faint smile. He manages to get the sock off and then stands digging both feet into the dark, wet earth. KETCHAM Hey, this feels kinda good. They move on, Ketcham almost playing, sinking his feet deep pulling them out to make a SPLURCHING, SUCKING NOISE. KETCHAM Hey, do you mind if I talk a little? I feel like, I don't know, talking I guess. RATH Sure. KETCHAM Funny, I've never been a talker. My wife was always getting on me about that. 'Say what you feel, tell me what's bothering you, you ve got to talk to me.' I never would though. Not really. RATH Why not? KETCHAM I don't know. Part of me wanted to but part of me always said, 'What's she going to be able to do?' I don't know. Maybe I didn't trust her. He picks up a handful of mud and begins shaping it like a snowball. KETCHAM My Margaret... I loved her but you know what? I cheated on her. All the time. I don't even know why. It wasn't the sex, Margaret was great in bed. I think if I wasn't married I wouldn't have even looked at some of those women. I knew she couldn't trust me, so how could I trust her? If she was here right now I'd think that I would tell her that I was sorry... 'course, if she were here right now, maybe I wouldn't feel like talking. He throws the mud ball at the grove of trees but they are too far. KETCHAM I think I've heard of you. RATH It's possible. KETCHAM You're pretty famous aren't you? RATH I hope not. KETCHAM I know this may seem like a strange question, but can I ask you how much the contract was for -- not to insult you or anything, I know you're a professional, but just for me, I was just wondering. RATH It's a common question. KETCHAM Oh yeah? I guess we still need to see that price tag. Like art, right? You hang some painting that looks like baby-puke in your living room only if it costs a bundle. RATH A dime. KETCHAM One hundred thousand? That's it? Jesus... Is that a lot? RATH Average. KETCHAM Shit... oh well. Ketcham laughs. KETCHAM I have been thinking about this for a long while. I knew this day was coming. I knew someday someone would make the call on me. I never thought about anyone that I had whacked. What do you call it anyway? RATH Taken. KETCHAM 'Taken.' That's nice. When I had someone taken I would call our General Contractor, transfer the money and as soon as I hung up the phone I forgot about them. RATH Everyone who plays the game knows the rules. KETCHAM That's exactly what I told myself. Ketcham laughs again. He is getting kind of giggly, like he's high. KETCHAM I always wondered what I'd be thinking at this exact moment. I imagined that I would be thinking about the fucker who contracted this, trying to figure out who it was... Something occurs to him and he looks back at Rath. RATH Don't know. That's how it works. KETCHAM That's what our General Contractor told us but how can you trust someone like that? RATH Right. KETCHAM I thought that I would be thinking about Margaret, or work, or that I'd be having these deep, profound and depressing thoughts but I'm not. I'm trying to think really profound thoughts, but I can't. It seems very funny to me. RATH What are you thinking about? KETCHAM I'm thinking about Moonpies. Ain't that funny? I haven't had a Moonpie since I was ten years old. Right now, I'm thinking how much I'd love one. RATH And an R.C. He's 'laughing' and Rath laughs with him. Ketcham suddenly stops laughing. They are nearly to the cluster of trees. KETCHAM Can I ask you something? RATH Go ahead. KETCHAM What do other guys do? He looks at the trees, his voice dying in the WIND. RATH Everyone handles it differently. Some are ready, some are not. KETCHAM Do they get down on their knees, begging and crying? RATH Some. KETCHAM When I thought about this, that was always there, in the back of my head, that image of me on my knees, crying. It wouldn't go away and it would really upset me. It was something that I could never get away from... but now, I feel it's okay. I feel good. RATH Can I ask you a question? KETCHAM Anything. RATH Why didn't you fade? KETCHAM You mean quit? RATH Yeah. KETCHAM I used to think about it. I had Margaret. She wanted kids. I thought about moving somewhere far away like, Europe. I could see all of that, the first part, the getting away but I couldn't see that next part. 'Then what?' So I'd stop thinking about it and go back to work. You understand? RATH Yeah. Ketcham smiles and looks around at the grove of birch trees. KETCHAM I always pictured that I would end in some land fill, under someone else's garbage. I kept picturing those plastic diapers filled with some baby's green shit, covering me. But this is nice... He looks at the sun, bloody red seeping into the black horizon. KETCHAM Look at that. I haven't watched the sun set in a million years. Do you mind? RATH No. Ketcham stares at the last of the light. KETCHAM Nice... real nice. With his face hidden from Rath he begins to cry. Rath watches Ketcham staring at the setting sun. Rath looks down at the gun limply held in his hand. When the sun is gone, a red glow at the bottom of a dark- ening sky, we hear the GUN, SILENCED, ONCE, then the BODY FALLING INTO THE MUD. After a beat we hear TWO MORE SHOTS. Ketcham is lying face down, already sinking into the mud, a red cloud mushrooming around his head like the red haze left by the dying sun. Rath breathes in deep and lets the air out slowly, stand- ing alone in the middle of nowhere. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT The room is dark and still. A man is standing at a wall of windows that glow from the amber wash of urban light. Snow is falling, heavy white flakes glittering in the city's electric night. The man finishes his bourbon, ICE CLINKING in the empty glass. He is slightly drunk and he sways forward until his forehead rests against the window. In the dim light, we recognize the man as Rath. Outside there is a beautiful stone church decorated for Christmas. He watches the snowflakes drift to the distant street below. He is wondering what it would feel like to let himself fall, when there is a KNOCK at the door. Crossing the room, he opens the door. Backlit by the bright hallway light is a WOMAN. She has already removed her coat and though she is only a silhouette we can see that her dress is very short and very tight. ESCORT (WOMAN) Hi. Did you call -- RATH Yes. Please come in. Her HIGH HEELS TAP against the tile foyer as she enters and he takes her coat. ESCORT Goodness, it's so dark... She reaches for the wall switch but he stops her. RATH I prefer it like this. ESCORT How can a beautiful man like you be shy? He smiles. RATH I prefer it, that's all. She moves closer to him, the sexual confidence of her body radiating like heat. ESCORT It's okay, honey. We can do it anyway you want. Rath is obviously uncomfortable. RATH Would you like a drink? ESCORT I'd love one. Whatever you're having. They move into the room, from a distance, as featureless as two shadows. She stands at the windows watching the snow-bubble of a city night. ESCORT Beautiful. He hands her the drink. Her smile is bright and perfect. ESCORT Good will towards men. Their glasses clink as he drains half his drink. If she drinks at all, we can not tell. RATH Why are you working today? ESCORT Holidays are our busiest days. No one likes to be alone on holidays. I know I don't. She touches his face, the caress and her expression of tenderness seemingly genuine. RATH You're very good at this aren't you? ESCORT I think you're supposed to answer that question. Her hand slides down his chest, but before it goes any farther Rath turns away, returning to the bar. RATH I know what you expect, but I don't want... He pours himself another drink. ESCORT That's okay, hon, I always expect the unexpected. RATH I called because I just want... I need to talk. She sits on the couch, her body language changing, as she becomes a listener. RATH I've been thinking about my life, about things I have done... What I do for a living is in some ways similiar to what you do. He sits on the other end of the couch, his words thickened by the alcohol. RATH I know that everything has a price. I want you to understand that I'm willing to pay. He takes out an envelope and puts it between them. She picks it up, glancing inside at a stack of hundred dollar bills. ESCORT For what? RATH Honesty. She puts the envelope down. RATH I just want to ask you some questions. Uncomfortable, she waits as he searches his drink for the right words. RATH Do you ever regret things you've done? ESCORT Everyone regrets something. RATH But when you finLsh a job, afterwards do you think about them? ESCORT Sometimes. RATH Do you think about their wives or their families? ESCORT No. They call me, I don't call them. If they didn't call I wouldn't exist. Rath nods. His next question is barely audible. RATH Do you ever think about starting over? ESCORT All the time. RATH Can you tell me about it? For the first time we really see her take a drink. She closes her eyes. ESCORT Sometimes I dream that I meet a man, this good, honest man and we fall in love. I imagine us living on a boat, reading books, sailing to places where no one knows who we were or cares what we did. She opens her eyes and looks at him. RATH And what if you never meet that man? She smiles. ESCORT Then, I'll sail alone. RATH Do you believe that? ESCORT Are you asking me if I believe in another life? Rath nods. ESCORT I have to. She finishes her drink. ESCORT Is that all you want? RATH Yes. She picks up the money and stands. RATH Thank you. ESCORT Anytime. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT It is the same room but now it is very cluttered, room service trays and empty liquor bottles tossed about. He has been here for a while. He is sitting at the table, staring intensely at a chess game; we see the board and all of the pieces set in the same positions as in the opening sequence. He rubs at the whiskers that have darkened his face and then finishes off another bottle of bourbon. He flings the empty bottle across the room as he reaches over the board and moves one of white knights, taking a black rook. A sequence begins, obvious, and he works through it moving both the black and white pieces. Suddenly he stops. He gets up and shifts to the other side of the board, studying the game from white's perspective. Another sequence emerges and he trades the pieces through it as he moves around the table, returning to his place behind the black king. The games reaches its end as black is check-mated. He slumps down onto the table and looks across at the white king. RATH Fuck you, Nick. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAWN Rath is at a desk where he has set up his computer office; a cellular phone is plugged into a modem with cables winding through a scrambler and then into a fax machine and the latest high-powered lap-top computer. On the table near the desk, we see the .22, dismantled and cleaned, spread out on a white towel. He types in a complicated access code sequence, then waits, staring at the blank screen. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Where have you been, Robert? RATH/SCREEN Sick. The flu. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I don't believe you. RATH I don't give a fuck -- RATH/SCREEN It's true. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I have been sitting on a contract from Cleveland for six days because of you. RATH Fuck you, fuck Cleveland, and fuck your contracts -- RATH/SCREEN I need a rest. CONTRACTOR/ SCREEN That's impossible, Robert. You're at the top of your field. These are the best contracts. To stop now would be self-destructive. He looks away from the screen and sees the chess game on the table. RATH/SCREEN Send the file. I'll have the estimate tonight. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I'm worried about you, Robert. RATH You fucking should be -- RATH/SCREEN Don't be. On the screen the word "Transmitting" appears. Rath slowly gets out of his chair. The FAX MACHINE CLICKS and HUXS to life as a photograph of a smiling, old Italian man curls onto the desk. Rath begins destroying the hotel room, smashing anything he can get his hands on. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAY Rath is in the middle of the room which he has demolished. Having showered and shaved, he is now standing naked, in the midst of the rubble, practicing the slow and graceful art of Tai Chi. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is working at the desk. He is tallying numbers, materials, totaling his estimate. Spread out over the table are several faxed photos of the old Italian, Leevio Valli, usually surrounded by bodyguards. The file details Valli's life and his daily routine. It includes: phone bills, credit card and bank account statements, driver license and vehicle registration, the real estate listing of his house and even a copy of his income tax return. Satisfied with his figures, Rath plugs the phone into the modem and makes a call. The network comes on-line as the General Contractor types: CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You're too late, Robert. Rath types. RATH/SCREEN What? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN The contract was stolen. Rath stares at the screen. RATH/SCREEN Who? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN A new player. He's using the name Nicholai. The name hits Rath and he sits, unable to breathe. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You know what must be done. The screen goes black as the network shuts down. Rath looks down at the pile of assembled facts. He lifts a credit card bill on which the name of a restaurant appears every Friday. The name of the restaurant has been circled in red pen by Rath: "Trattoria Roma." EXT. TRATTORIA ROMA - NIGHT A red awning spans the entrance of a popular Italian restaurant. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA It is a large establishment with many tables and booths. The dinner crowd is a mix of yuppies and older Italian families who have been eating here for years. Rath is sitting alone at a booth. With very subtle changes to his appearance, he looks like an older Italian. In front of him is a glass and a carafe of dark red wine. He touches neither of them. His eyes shift as he studies the room. LEEVIO VALLI pushes into the restaurant surrounded by five gorillas in Italian suits. The owner hurries to greet them, hugging, kissing, speaking only Italian. The entourage moves through the restaurant to the over- sized booth in the back. Rath does not look twice at them. Immediately he is watching everyone else, looking for the other assassin. Leevio slides into the booth as his goons stand and sit around the table, obscuring him from all parts of the room. A wine steward immediately brings a bottle of red wine and fills their glasses. A pretty waitress sets a steaming loaf of garlic bread out and a giant bowl of minestrone in front of Leevio. He tells her something and she giggles. They joke in Italian, watching her ass as she wiggles back to the kitchen. At Leevio's table the wine steward returns to fill their glasses. It is the goon standing against the wall that is the first to realize that it is not the same wine steward. He is the second assassin, much younger than Rath. His name is BAIN. He smiles. The goon reaches for his gun as -- Bain SHATTERS the BOTTLE of wine into his face. He screams. Leevio coughs a spray of minestrone, as a GUN flashes free from the white linen towel hung over the steward's arm. It happens instantly. FOUR SHOTS and the goons are dead. Leevio screams. LEEVIO Don't! A FIFTH, SIXTH and SEVENTH SHOT. Leevio's body falls forward and softly thuds on the table. Bain whips around drawing a small SEMI-AUTOMATIC WEAPON from his belt expecting an attack. Facing the screaming crowd, he begins to SHOOT anyone who moves or stands, men or women. There is chaos in the restaurant. People scream, falling to the ground, scrambling under tables. Bain is sweating, his eyes shifting wildly from one end of the room to the other. The restaurant falls quiet except for several people who are sobbing. He moves through the room, watching, searching. BAIN Don't anybody move. You move, you're dead. He passes the table Rath was sitting at, but it is empty. BAIN Come on, you chicken shit motherfucker. I know you're here. Let's go. EXT. CONCRETE PARKING GARAGE Across the street from Trattoria Roma, Rath jacks together a German assault rifle with night scope. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain looks out the window at the dark street. He turns and searches through the people huddled on the floor. He aims his gun. BAIN You! Get up! A quivering wine steward stands. He points to another. BAIN You, too! Up! EXT. PARKING GARAGE THROUGH the NIGHT SCOPE we see the front door to the restaurant open and a group of wine stewards clumped together slowly back out. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain is second from the end, both guns aimed at the stewards. One of them begins to cry. BAIN Not yet. Don't move or you're fucking dead. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath moves the scope back and forth, unable to pick out the assassin. RATH Shit. Just do them all. All of them. Shit. He can't pull the trigger. EXT. TRATTORIA STOREFRONT The group moves toward the street. BAIN Now run! Like dogs out of the gate, they bolt. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as they scatter, finding Bain in his scope. EXT. STREET A chunk of BRICK EXPLODES from the wall just behind Bain's head as he drops behind the row of parked cars along the curb. He laughs. We get the idea that Bain is enjoying this. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath looks over his scope, talking to himself. He is sweating. RATH Shit. What are you doing, old man? You're too fucking slow. He looks back into the scope and begins scanning the line of cars. RATH Okay. Which one? Which one is yours? EXT. CITY STREET Bain is crawling alongside the tightly parked cars, staying low and out of sight. He works his way up to a black Mercedes that is parked illegally next to a fire hydrant and takes out his keys. He hits the remote unlocking the doors. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath finds the fire hydrant in his scope, almost obscured by the parked Mercedes. RATH Amateur. He takes aim. EXT. CITY STREET Just as Bain starts to open the door, the front TIRE EXPLODES. Another second, the back TIRE EXPLODES. BAIN Fuck! INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath waits, steely calm, his finger on the trigger. RATH Your move. EXT. CITY STREET Bain hears the growing wail of POLICE SIRENS. Thinking for a moment, he opens the car door and pulls a long handled switchblade and a roll of electrician's tape from the glove compartment. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath sees the car light go on, but can't make out what Bain is doing. The SIRENS are GETTING LOUDER. There's a lot of them. EXT. CITY STREET Bain finishes taping the knife to his forearm and rolls his shirt sleeve down. From his pocket he takes out a Gameboy and begins playing "Tetris." INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as the police cars come racing down the street. EXT. CITY STREET The CARS SCREECH to a halt in front of the restaurant. The COPS jump out, drawing their weapons. Bain throws his guns down, raising his hands in the air. BAIN Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I give up! More CARS come SCREECHING up as the two officers hold their beads on Bain. COP Hit the ground! Face down! Spread your legs! Bain follows the orders as the second cop edges up to him, frisking him. In this position the Cop is unable to find the knife strapped to Bain's forearm, but finds the Gameboy. BAIN Hey, don't touch that! COP Shut up! The Cop twists Bain's arms behind his back, handcuffing him tightly. They drag him to his feet, a swarm of police and paramedics in the street. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath holds them in his cross hairs as they move to the police car, but is unable to get a clean shot. Bain is using the cops for cover, keeping his head low. RATH Son of a bitch. The Cops shove Bain into the back seat. Rath very quickly walks to his car, tossing his gun into the trunk. He gets in and STARTS the ENGINE. INT. PATROL CAR The two Officers are outside the car talking with the sergeant. Bain, laying low beneath the windows, peeks up at the shadowy parking garage. He smiles. The two Policemen get in the car, the second picking up the radio. The driver GUNS the ENGINE and the black and white RUMBLES down the street. COP #2 This is 181, returning with suspect involved in multiple shooting at Trattoria Roma. Repeat, en route with suspect. He hangs up the radio and looks back at Bain through the metal caging. COP #2 Jesus Christ, do you know who you shot in there? Bain almost laughs. COP #2 What are you? Some kind of a hitman? Bain looks out the window. COP #2 You know what we call guys like you? Bain looks at him. COP #2 Sizzle lean. They're gonna fry your ass. He laughs at his own joke, looking at his partner, who chuckles. EXT. CITY STREET Rath's car races down the street trying to catch up with the patrol car. INT. PATROL CAR Bain stares out the window, silent. Behind his back, he takes hold of his left thumb with his right hand. The Cop is playing with the Gameboy. With a quick jerk, he yanks the thumb out of its socket. His expression remains perfectly blank. The thumb hangs unnaturally from the hand. The skin stretches strangely as he pulls the metal cuff from his wrist. The Cop turns as the SWITCHBLADE CLICKS and Bain sticks the knife through the wire mesh, into the cop's eye. A font of blood arcs onto the windshield. Grabbing hold of the driver's shirt collar, Bain jabs the blade into the back of his neck. The driver screams trying to pull free of Bain's grip. He slams on the brakes, groping for his gun and the CAR SKIDS out of control. Bain stabs the Cop again, his GUN FIRING WILDLY as -- The patrol car starts to flip and roll. INT. RATH'S CAR Rath turns as he hears an EXPLOSION, several blocks away. The TIRES SQUEAL as he makes a hard right. EXT. STREET Orange flames lick up from the belly of the overturned patrol car. Oil black clouds billow into the night sky. Rath's car cruises past. Rath sees the back seat window shattered, kicked out. Bain is gone. RATH I'm not done yet. EXT. CITY STREET INTERSECTION A brand new cab is sitting at a red light. The cabby looks into the rearview mirror, as a pair of headlights roll up behind him. The car gets closer, the lights brighter; they don't stop. He shrieks as the CAR SMASHES INTO HIS, TEARING OFF HIS BUMPER. The cabby jumps out, rattling off a string of obscenities. Rath gets out of the white car, starting to apologize, as the cabby moves toward him. When he's close enough, Rath decks him, knocking him unconscious. He picks him up and puts him in the white car. Rath then gets in the cab and when the light changes to green, he drives off. INT. CAB Rath circles the area, turning up the cab's CB. A couple of CALLS CRACKLE through the speaker, before he hears what he's waiting for; an airport fare in this area. At the intersection of Adams and Nine. He picks up the mike. RATH This is 1242. I got it. EXT. ADAMS AND NINE It is a deserted intersection. The buildings are dark and some of the street lights are out. The cab sits by itself, ENGINE RUNNING, its taillights glowing through the exhaust. INT. CAB Rath holds his gun cocked beneath his coat. His other hand grips the door handle. As he waits, watching the intersection, he notices the cabby's ID pinned to the dashboard. Leaving the gun in his jacket, he reaches for the ID card. He rips it from the dash and as he drops it under the seat, the door behind him opens. Someone gets in and closes the door. Rath peers into the rearview mirror. It is Bain. For the first time we realize that the front and back of the cab is separated by an inch of bullet proof glass. There is an awkward silence as Rath sits, unsure. Bain looks at him. BAIN Is there a problem? RATH No. No problem. The airport, right? BAIN Right. The cab pulls out of the intersection. INT. CAB Rath studies Bain. There is a thin line of blood down his temple. Bain is oblivious to it and pulls out his Gameboy, resuming his game of Tetris. RATH How'd you cut yourself? Their voices are distorted through the small electric amplifier set in the bullet proof glass near the metal money exchanger. Bain touches the blood on his forehead, looking at it a bit surprised. BAIN Oh? Working. A little accident. He wipes it off as best he can. RATH You a waiter? You look like a waiter. Bain is uninterested. BAIN Yeah. Yeah, I'm a waiter. RATH Where?

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Assassins Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS "Assassins", early draft, by Larry & Andy Wachowski ASSASSINS Written by Larry and Andy Wachowski August 12, 1994 FADE IN: PERFECT SQUARE OF BLACK We know that we are looking at something because its polished surface shimmers with light. PULLING BACK, other squares are revealed; the black and white tiles of a chess board. The board rises and spins, slipping beneath us we find ourselves MOVING ACROSS the board, MOVING THROUGH a chess game. The pieces are everywhere, checking and covering other pieces. It has reached that critical moment when pieces are traded and the board begins to clear as two strategies unravel towards a final outcome. Standing above the pieces around him, we see the black king. We MOVE CLOSER TOWARDS his face, CLOSER TO his chiseled ebony features, CLOSER UNTIL we are staring into his cold black eyes... DISSOLVE TO: EXT. MARSH - SUNGLASSES - DUSK The red setting sun is reflected in the black lens. Two men are tromping through the calf-deep mud of an end- less marsh. It is fall, the first frost not far away and the foliage is brown and bare. With the red-orange ball of fire melting into the horizon, the two men at first appear as only silhouettes or shadows slogging through the mire. The man with the sunglasses walks behind the other man. He is very well-dressed in a dark suit. A .22 caliber gun, fitted with a long silencer, dangles from his hand. His name is ROBERT RATH. The other man is WILLIE KETCHAM. He is also wearing a very expensive suit though it is being destroyed by the brambles and mud. As he lifts his foot his Gucci shoe is sucked off by the mud. KETCHAM Aw-shit! He balances on one leg, holding his silk-socked foot in the air. He looks at the shoe, already filling with mud. He looks at Rath. KETCHAM How much farther? RATH Just a little ways. Up to those trees. About a half mile further into the thickening marsh there is a small cluster of trees. KETCHAM Oh, fuck it. He pulls his sock off and plunges his foot into the mud. He smiles. It feels good. He hurls the sock. Lifting his other foot he pulls his shoe off and hurls that. He grabs for the other sock, struggling to get it off, laughing at himself as he slips and falls into the mud. Rath waits, a faint smile. He manages to get the sock off and then stands digging both feet into the dark, wet earth. KETCHAM Hey, this feels kinda good. They move on, Ketcham almost playing, sinking his feet deep pulling them out to make a SPLURCHING, SUCKING NOISE. KETCHAM Hey, do you mind if I talk a little? I feel like, I don't know, talking I guess. RATH Sure. KETCHAM Funny, I've never been a talker. My wife was always getting on me about that. 'Say what you feel, tell me what's bothering you, you ve got to talk to me.' I never would though. Not really. RATH Why not? KETCHAM I don't know. Part of me wanted to but part of me always said, 'What's she going to be able to do?' I don't know. Maybe I didn't trust her. He picks up a handful of mud and begins shaping it like a snowball. KETCHAM My Margaret... I loved her but you know what? I cheated on her. All the time. I don't even know why. It wasn't the sex, Margaret was great in bed. I think if I wasn't married I wouldn't have even looked at some of those women. I knew she couldn't trust me, so how could I trust her? If she was here right now I'd think that I would tell her that I was sorry... 'course, if she were here right now, maybe I wouldn't feel like talking. He throws the mud ball at the grove of trees but they are too far. KETCHAM I think I've heard of you. RATH It's possible. KETCHAM You're pretty famous aren't you? RATH I hope not. KETCHAM I know this may seem like a strange question, but can I ask you how much the contract was for -- not to insult you or anything, I know you're a professional, but just for me, I was just wondering. RATH It's a common question. KETCHAM Oh yeah? I guess we still need to see that price tag. Like art, right? You hang some painting that looks like baby-puke in your living room only if it costs a bundle. RATH A dime. KETCHAM One hundred thousand? That's it? Jesus... Is that a lot? RATH Average. KETCHAM Shit... oh well. Ketcham laughs. KETCHAM I have been thinking about this for a long while. I knew this day was coming. I knew someday someone would make the call on me. I never thought about anyone that I had whacked. What do you call it anyway? RATH Taken. KETCHAM 'Taken.' That's nice. When I had someone taken I would call our General Contractor, transfer the money and as soon as I hung up the phone I forgot about them. RATH Everyone who plays the game knows the rules. KETCHAM That's exactly what I told myself. Ketcham laughs again. He is getting kind of giggly, like he's high. KETCHAM I always wondered what I'd be thinking at this exact moment. I imagined that I would be thinking about the fucker who contracted this, trying to figure out who it was... Something occurs to him and he looks back at Rath. RATH Don't know. That's how it works. KETCHAM That's what our General Contractor told us but how can you trust someone like that? RATH Right. KETCHAM I thought that I would be thinking about Margaret, or work, or that I'd be having these deep, profound and depressing thoughts but I'm not. I'm trying to think really profound thoughts, but I can't. It seems very funny to me. RATH What are you thinking about? KETCHAM I'm thinking about Moonpies. Ain't that funny? I haven't had a Moonpie since I was ten years old. Right now, I'm thinking how much I'd love one. RATH And an R.C. He's 'laughing' and Rath laughs with him. Ketcham suddenly stops laughing. They are nearly to the cluster of trees. KETCHAM Can I ask you something? RATH Go ahead. KETCHAM What do other guys do? He looks at the trees, his voice dying in the WIND. RATH Everyone handles it differently. Some are ready, some are not. KETCHAM Do they get down on their knees, begging and crying? RATH Some. KETCHAM When I thought about this, that was always there, in the back of my head, that image of me on my knees, crying. It wouldn't go away and it would really upset me. It was something that I could never get away from... but now, I feel it's okay. I feel good. RATH Can I ask you a question? KETCHAM Anything. RATH Why didn't you fade? KETCHAM You mean quit? RATH Yeah. KETCHAM I used to think about it. I had Margaret. She wanted kids. I thought about moving somewhere far away like, Europe. I could see all of that, the first part, the getting away but I couldn't see that next part. 'Then what?' So I'd stop thinking about it and go back to work. You understand? RATH Yeah. Ketcham smiles and looks around at the grove of birch trees. KETCHAM I always pictured that I would end in some land fill, under someone else's garbage. I kept picturing those plastic diapers filled with some baby's green shit, covering me. But this is nice... He looks at the sun, bloody red seeping into the black horizon. KETCHAM Look at that. I haven't watched the sun set in a million years. Do you mind? RATH No. Ketcham stares at the last of the light. KETCHAM Nice... real nice. With his face hidden from Rath he begins to cry. Rath watches Ketcham staring at the setting sun. Rath looks down at the gun limply held in his hand. When the sun is gone, a red glow at the bottom of a dark- ening sky, we hear the GUN, SILENCED, ONCE, then the BODY FALLING INTO THE MUD. After a beat we hear TWO MORE SHOTS. Ketcham is lying face down, already sinking into the mud, a red cloud mushrooming around his head like the red haze left by the dying sun. Rath breathes in deep and lets the air out slowly, stand- ing alone in the middle of nowhere. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT The room is dark and still. A man is standing at a wall of windows that glow from the amber wash of urban light. Snow is falling, heavy white flakes glittering in the city's electric night. The man finishes his bourbon, ICE CLINKING in the empty glass. He is slightly drunk and he sways forward until his forehead rests against the window. In the dim light, we recognize the man as Rath. Outside there is a beautiful stone church decorated for Christmas. He watches the snowflakes drift to the distant street below. He is wondering what it would feel like to let himself fall, when there is a KNOCK at the door. Crossing the room, he opens the door. Backlit by the bright hallway light is a WOMAN. She has already removed her coat and though she is only a silhouette we can see that her dress is very short and very tight. ESCORT (WOMAN) Hi. Did you call -- RATH Yes. Please come in. Her HIGH HEELS TAP against the tile foyer as she enters and he takes her coat. ESCORT Goodness, it's so dark... She reaches for the wall switch but he stops her. RATH I prefer it like this. ESCORT How can a beautiful man like you be shy? He smiles. RATH I prefer it, that's all. She moves closer to him, the sexual confidence of her body radiating like heat. ESCORT It's okay, honey. We can do it anyway you want. Rath is obviously uncomfortable. RATH Would you like a drink? ESCORT I'd love one. Whatever you're having. They move into the room, from a distance, as featureless as two shadows. She stands at the windows watching the snow-bubble of a city night. ESCORT Beautiful. He hands her the drink. Her smile is bright and perfect. ESCORT Good will towards men. Their glasses clink as he drains half his drink. If she drinks at all, we can not tell. RATH Why are you working today? ESCORT Holidays are our busiest days. No one likes to be alone on holidays. I know I don't. She touches his face, the caress and her expression of tenderness seemingly genuine. RATH You're very good at this aren't you? ESCORT I think you're supposed to answer that question. Her hand slides down his chest, but before it goes any farther Rath turns away, returning to the bar. RATH I know what you expect, but I don't want... He pours himself another drink. ESCORT That's okay, hon, I always expect the unexpected. RATH I called because I just want... I need to talk. She sits on the couch, her body language changing, as she becomes a listener. RATH I've been thinking about my life, about things I have done... What I do for a living is in some ways similiar to what you do. He sits on the other end of the couch, his words thickened by the alcohol. RATH I know that everything has a price. I want you to understand that I'm willing to pay. He takes out an envelope and puts it between them. She picks it up, glancing inside at a stack of hundred dollar bills. ESCORT For what? RATH Honesty. She puts the envelope down. RATH I just want to ask you some questions. Uncomfortable, she waits as he searches his drink for the right words. RATH Do you ever regret things you've done? ESCORT Everyone regrets something. RATH But when you finLsh a job, afterwards do you think about them? ESCORT Sometimes. RATH Do you think about their wives or their families? ESCORT No. They call me, I don't call them. If they didn't call I wouldn't exist. Rath nods. His next question is barely audible. RATH Do you ever think about starting over? ESCORT All the time. RATH Can you tell me about it? For the first time we really see her take a drink. She closes her eyes. ESCORT Sometimes I dream that I meet a man, this good, honest man and we fall in love. I imagine us living on a boat, reading books, sailing to places where no one knows who we were or cares what we did. She opens her eyes and looks at him. RATH And what if you never meet that man? She smiles. ESCORT Then, I'll sail alone. RATH Do you believe that? ESCORT Are you asking me if I believe in another life? Rath nods. ESCORT I have to. She finishes her drink. ESCORT Is that all you want? RATH Yes. She picks up the money and stands. RATH Thank you. ESCORT Anytime. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT It is the same room but now it is very cluttered, room service trays and empty liquor bottles tossed about. He has been here for a while. He is sitting at the table, staring intensely at a chess game; we see the board and all of the pieces set in the same positions as in the opening sequence. He rubs at the whiskers that have darkened his face and then finishes off another bottle of bourbon. He flings the empty bottle across the room as he reaches over the board and moves one of white knights, taking a black rook. A sequence begins, obvious, and he works through it moving both the black and white pieces. Suddenly he stops. He gets up and shifts to the other side of the board, studying the game from white's perspective. Another sequence emerges and he trades the pieces through it as he moves around the table, returning to his place behind the black king. The games reaches its end as black is check-mated. He slumps down onto the table and looks across at the white king. RATH Fuck you, Nick. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAWN Rath is at a desk where he has set up his computer office; a cellular phone is plugged into a modem with cables winding through a scrambler and then into a fax machine and the latest high-powered lap-top computer. On the table near the desk, we see the .22, dismantled and cleaned, spread out on a white towel. He types in a complicated access code sequence, then waits, staring at the blank screen. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Where have you been, Robert? RATH/SCREEN Sick. The flu. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I don't believe you. RATH I don't give a fuck -- RATH/SCREEN It's true. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I have been sitting on a contract from Cleveland for six days because of you. RATH Fuck you, fuck Cleveland, and fuck your contracts -- RATH/SCREEN I need a rest. CONTRACTOR/ SCREEN That's impossible, Robert. You're at the top of your field. These are the best contracts. To stop now would be self-destructive. He looks away from the screen and sees the chess game on the table. RATH/SCREEN Send the file. I'll have the estimate tonight. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I'm worried about you, Robert. RATH You fucking should be -- RATH/SCREEN Don't be. On the screen the word "Transmitting" appears. Rath slowly gets out of his chair. The FAX MACHINE CLICKS and HUXS to life as a photograph of a smiling, old Italian man curls onto the desk. Rath begins destroying the hotel room, smashing anything he can get his hands on. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAY Rath is in the middle of the room which he has demolished. Having showered and shaved, he is now standing naked, in the midst of the rubble, practicing the slow and graceful art of Tai Chi. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is working at the desk. He is tallying numbers, materials, totaling his estimate. Spread out over the table are several faxed photos of the old Italian, Leevio Valli, usually surrounded by bodyguards. The file details Valli's life and his daily routine. It includes: phone bills, credit card and bank account statements, driver license and vehicle registration, the real estate listing of his house and even a copy of his income tax return. Satisfied with his figures, Rath plugs the phone into the modem and makes a call. The network comes on-line as the General Contractor types: CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You're too late, Robert. Rath types. RATH/SCREEN What? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN The contract was stolen. Rath stares at the screen. RATH/SCREEN Who? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN A new player. He's using the name Nicholai. The name hits Rath and he sits, unable to breathe. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You know what must be done. The screen goes black as the network shuts down. Rath looks down at the pile of assembled facts. He lifts a credit card bill on which the name of a restaurant appears every Friday. The name of the restaurant has been circled in red pen by Rath: "Trattoria Roma." EXT. TRATTORIA ROMA - NIGHT A red awning spans the entrance of a popular Italian restaurant. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA It is a large establishment with many tables and booths. The dinner crowd is a mix of yuppies and older Italian families who have been eating here for years. Rath is sitting alone at a booth. With very subtle changes to his appearance, he looks like an older Italian. In front of him is a glass and a carafe of dark red wine. He touches neither of them. His eyes shift as he studies the room. LEEVIO VALLI pushes into the restaurant surrounded by five gorillas in Italian suits. The owner hurries to greet them, hugging, kissing, speaking only Italian. The entourage moves through the restaurant to the over- sized booth in the back. Rath does not look twice at them. Immediately he is watching everyone else, looking for the other assassin. Leevio slides into the booth as his goons stand and sit around the table, obscuring him from all parts of the room. A wine steward immediately brings a bottle of red wine and fills their glasses. A pretty waitress sets a steaming loaf of garlic bread out and a giant bowl of minestrone in front of Leevio. He tells her something and she giggles. They joke in Italian, watching her ass as she wiggles back to the kitchen. At Leevio's table the wine steward returns to fill their glasses. It is the goon standing against the wall that is the first to realize that it is not the same wine steward. He is the second assassin, much younger than Rath. His name is BAIN. He smiles. The goon reaches for his gun as -- Bain SHATTERS the BOTTLE of wine into his face. He screams. Leevio coughs a spray of minestrone, as a GUN flashes free from the white linen towel hung over the steward's arm. It happens instantly. FOUR SHOTS and the goons are dead. Leevio screams. LEEVIO Don't! A FIFTH, SIXTH and SEVENTH SHOT. Leevio's body falls forward and softly thuds on the table. Bain whips around drawing a small SEMI-AUTOMATIC WEAPON from his belt expecting an attack. Facing the screaming crowd, he begins to SHOOT anyone who moves or stands, men or women. There is chaos in the restaurant. People scream, falling to the ground, scrambling under tables. Bain is sweating, his eyes shifting wildly from one end of the room to the other. The restaurant falls quiet except for several people who are sobbing. He moves through the room, watching, searching. BAIN Don't anybody move. You move, you're dead. He passes the table Rath was sitting at, but it is empty. BAIN Come on, you chicken shit motherfucker. I know you're here. Let's go. EXT. CONCRETE PARKING GARAGE Across the street from Trattoria Roma, Rath jacks together a German assault rifle with night scope. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain looks out the window at the dark street. He turns and searches through the people huddled on the floor. He aims his gun. BAIN You! Get up! A quivering wine steward stands. He points to another. BAIN You, too! Up! EXT. PARKING GARAGE THROUGH the NIGHT SCOPE we see the front door to the restaurant open and a group of wine stewards clumped together slowly back out. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain is second from the end, both guns aimed at the stewards. One of them begins to cry. BAIN Not yet. Don't move or you're fucking dead. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath moves the scope back and forth, unable to pick out the assassin. RATH Shit. Just do them all. All of them. Shit. He can't pull the trigger. EXT. TRATTORIA STOREFRONT The group moves toward the street. BAIN Now run! Like dogs out of the gate, they bolt. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as they scatter, finding Bain in his scope. EXT. STREET A chunk of BRICK EXPLODES from the wall just behind Bain's head as he drops behind the row of parked cars along the curb. He laughs. We get the idea that Bain is enjoying this. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath looks over his scope, talking to himself. He is sweating. RATH Shit. What are you doing, old man? You're too fucking slow. He looks back into the scope and begins scanning the line of cars. RATH Okay. Which one? Which one is yours? EXT. CITY STREET Bain is crawling alongside the tightly parked cars, staying low and out of sight. He works his way up to a black Mercedes that is parked illegally next to a fire hydrant and takes out his keys. He hits the remote unlocking the doors. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath finds the fire hydrant in his scope, almost obscured by the parked Mercedes. RATH Amateur. He takes aim. EXT. CITY STREET Just as Bain starts to open the door, the front TIRE EXPLODES. Another second, the back TIRE EXPLODES. BAIN Fuck! INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath waits, steely calm, his finger on the trigger. RATH Your move. EXT. CITY STREET Bain hears the growing wail of POLICE SIRENS. Thinking for a moment, he opens the car door and pulls a long handled switchblade and a roll of electrician's tape from the glove compartment. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath sees the car light go on, but can't make out what Bain is doing. The SIRENS are GETTING LOUDER. There's a lot of them. EXT. CITY STREET Bain finishes taping the knife to his forearm and rolls his shirt sleeve down. From his pocket he takes out a Gameboy and begins playing "Tetris." INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as the police cars come racing down the street. EXT. CITY STREET The CARS SCREECH to a halt in front of the restaurant. The COPS jump out, drawing their weapons. Bain throws his guns down, raising his hands in the air. BAIN Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I give up! More CARS come SCREECHING up as the two officers hold their beads on Bain. COP Hit the ground! Face down! Spread your legs! Bain follows the orders as the second cop edges up to him, frisking him. In this position the Cop is unable to find the knife strapped to Bain's forearm, but finds the Gameboy. BAIN Hey, don't touch that! COP Shut up! The Cop twists Bain's arms behind his back, handcuffing him tightly. They drag him to his feet, a swarm of police and paramedics in the street. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath holds them in his cross hairs as they move to the police car, but is unable to get a clean shot. Bain is using the cops for cover, keeping his head low. RATH Son of a bitch. The Cops shove Bain into the back seat. Rath very quickly walks to his car, tossing his gun into the trunk. He gets in and STARTS the ENGINE. INT. PATROL CAR The two Officers are outside the car talking with the sergeant. Bain, laying low beneath the windows, peeks up at the shadowy parking garage. He smiles. The two Policemen get in the car, the second picking up the radio. The driver GUNS the ENGINE and the black and white RUMBLES down the street. COP #2 This is 181, returning with suspect involved in multiple shooting at Trattoria Roma. Repeat, en route with suspect. He hangs up the radio and looks back at Bain through the metal caging. COP #2 Jesus Christ, do you know who you shot in there? Bain almost laughs. COP #2 What are you? Some kind of a hitman? Bain looks out the window. COP #2 You know what we call guys like you? Bain looks at him. COP #2 Sizzle lean. They're gonna fry your ass. He laughs at his own joke, looking at his partner, who chuckles. EXT. CITY STREET Rath's car races down the street trying to catch up with the patrol car. INT. PATROL CAR Bain stares out the window, silent. Behind his back, he takes hold of his left thumb with his right hand. The Cop is playing with the Gameboy. With a quick jerk, he yanks the thumb out of its socket. His expression remains perfectly blank. The thumb hangs unnaturally from the hand. The skin stretches strangely as he pulls the metal cuff from his wrist. The Cop turns as the SWITCHBLADE CLICKS and Bain sticks the knife through the wire mesh, into the cop's eye. A font of blood arcs onto the windshield. Grabbing hold of the driver's shirt collar, Bain jabs the blade into the back of his neck. The driver screams trying to pull free of Bain's grip. He slams on the brakes, groping for his gun and the CAR SKIDS out of control. Bain stabs the Cop again, his GUN FIRING WILDLY as -- The patrol car starts to flip and roll. INT. RATH'S CAR Rath turns as he hears an EXPLOSION, several blocks away. The TIRES SQUEAL as he makes a hard right. EXT. STREET Orange flames lick up from the belly of the overturned patrol car. Oil black clouds billow into the night sky. Rath's car cruises past. Rath sees the back seat window shattered, kicked out. Bain is gone. RATH I'm not done yet. EXT. CITY STREET INTERSECTION A brand new cab is sitting at a red light. The cabby looks into the rearview mirror, as a pair of headlights roll up behind him. The car gets closer, the lights brighter; they don't stop. He shrieks as the CAR SMASHES INTO HIS, TEARING OFF HIS BUMPER. The cabby jumps out, rattling off a string of obscenities. Rath gets out of the white car, starting to apologize, as the cabby moves toward him. When he's close enough, Rath decks him, knocking him unconscious. He picks him up and puts him in the white car. Rath then gets in the cab and when the light changes to green, he drives off. INT. CAB Rath circles the area, turning up the cab's CB. A couple of CALLS CRACKLE through the speaker, before he hears what he's waiting for; an airport fare in this area. At the intersection of Adams and Nine. He picks up the mike. RATH This is 1242. I got it. EXT. ADAMS AND NINE It is a deserted intersection. The buildings are dark and some of the street lights are out. The cab sits by itself, ENGINE RUNNING, its taillights glowing through the exhaust. INT. CAB Rath holds his gun cocked beneath his coat. His other hand grips the door handle. As he waits, watching the intersection, he notices the cabby's ID pinned to the dashboard. Leaving the gun in his jacket, he reaches for the ID card. He rips it from the dash and as he drops it under the seat, the door behind him opens. Someone gets in and closes the door. Rath peers into the rearview mirror. It is Bain. For the first time we realize that the front and back of the cab is separated by an inch of bullet proof glass. There is an awkward silence as Rath sits, unsure. Bain looks at him. BAIN Is there a problem? RATH No. No problem. The airport, right? BAIN Right. The cab pulls out of the intersection. INT. CAB Rath studies Bain. There is a thin line of blood down his temple. Bain is oblivious to it and pulls out his Gameboy, resuming his game of Tetris. RATH How'd you cut yourself? Their voices are distorted through the small electric amplifier set in the bullet proof glass near the metal money exchanger. Bain touches the blood on his forehead, looking at it a bit surprised. BAIN Oh? Working. A little accident. He wipes it off as best he can. RATH You a waiter? You look like a waiter. Bain is uninterested. BAIN Yeah. Yeah, I'm a waiter. RATH Where?

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Assassins Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS "Assassins", early draft, by Larry & Andy Wachowski ASSASSINS Written by Larry and Andy Wachowski August 12, 1994 FADE IN: PERFECT SQUARE OF BLACK We know that we are looking at something because its polished surface shimmers with light. PULLING BACK, other squares are revealed; the black and white tiles of a chess board. The board rises and spins, slipping beneath us we find ourselves MOVING ACROSS the board, MOVING THROUGH a chess game. The pieces are everywhere, checking and covering other pieces. It has reached that critical moment when pieces are traded and the board begins to clear as two strategies unravel towards a final outcome. Standing above the pieces around him, we see the black king. We MOVE CLOSER TOWARDS his face, CLOSER TO his chiseled ebony features, CLOSER UNTIL we are staring into his cold black eyes... DISSOLVE TO: EXT. MARSH - SUNGLASSES - DUSK The red setting sun is reflected in the black lens. Two men are tromping through the calf-deep mud of an end- less marsh. It is fall, the first frost not far away and the foliage is brown and bare. With the red-orange ball of fire melting into the horizon, the two men at first appear as only silhouettes or shadows slogging through the mire. The man with the sunglasses walks behind the other man. He is very well-dressed in a dark suit. A .22 caliber gun, fitted with a long silencer, dangles from his hand. His name is ROBERT RATH. The other man is WILLIE KETCHAM. He is also wearing a very expensive suit though it is being destroyed by the brambles and mud. As he lifts his foot his Gucci shoe is sucked off by the mud. KETCHAM Aw-shit! He balances on one leg, holding his silk-socked foot in the air. He looks at the shoe, already filling with mud. He looks at Rath. KETCHAM How much farther? RATH Just a little ways. Up to those trees. About a half mile further into the thickening marsh there is a small cluster of trees. KETCHAM Oh, fuck it. He pulls his sock off and plunges his foot into the mud. He smiles. It feels good. He hurls the sock. Lifting his other foot he pulls his shoe off and hurls that. He grabs for the other sock, struggling to get it off, laughing at himself as he slips and falls into the mud. Rath waits, a faint smile. He manages to get the sock off and then stands digging both feet into the dark, wet earth. KETCHAM Hey, this feels kinda good. They move on, Ketcham almost playing, sinking his feet deep pulling them out to make a SPLURCHING, SUCKING NOISE. KETCHAM Hey, do you mind if I talk a little? I feel like, I don't know, talking I guess. RATH Sure. KETCHAM Funny, I've never been a talker. My wife was always getting on me about that. 'Say what you feel, tell me what's bothering you, you ve got to talk to me.' I never would though. Not really. RATH Why not? KETCHAM I don't know. Part of me wanted to but part of me always said, 'What's she going to be able to do?' I don't know. Maybe I didn't trust her. He picks up a handful of mud and begins shaping it like a snowball. KETCHAM My Margaret... I loved her but you know what? I cheated on her. All the time. I don't even know why. It wasn't the sex, Margaret was great in bed. I think if I wasn't married I wouldn't have even looked at some of those women. I knew she couldn't trust me, so how could I trust her? If she was here right now I'd think that I would tell her that I was sorry... 'course, if she were here right now, maybe I wouldn't feel like talking. He throws the mud ball at the grove of trees but they are too far. KETCHAM I think I've heard of you. RATH It's possible. KETCHAM You're pretty famous aren't you? RATH I hope not. KETCHAM I know this may seem like a strange question, but can I ask you how much the contract was for -- not to insult you or anything, I know you're a professional, but just for me, I was just wondering. RATH It's a common question. KETCHAM Oh yeah? I guess we still need to see that price tag. Like art, right? You hang some painting that looks like baby-puke in your living room only if it costs a bundle. RATH A dime. KETCHAM One hundred thousand? That's it? Jesus... Is that a lot? RATH Average. KETCHAM Shit... oh well. Ketcham laughs. KETCHAM I have been thinking about this for a long while. I knew this day was coming. I knew someday someone would make the call on me. I never thought about anyone that I had whacked. What do you call it anyway? RATH Taken. KETCHAM 'Taken.' That's nice. When I had someone taken I would call our General Contractor, transfer the money and as soon as I hung up the phone I forgot about them. RATH Everyone who plays the game knows the rules. KETCHAM That's exactly what I told myself. Ketcham laughs again. He is getting kind of giggly, like he's high. KETCHAM I always wondered what I'd be thinking at this exact moment. I imagined that I would be thinking about the fucker who contracted this, trying to figure out who it was... Something occurs to him and he looks back at Rath. RATH Don't know. That's how it works. KETCHAM That's what our General Contractor told us but how can you trust someone like that? RATH Right. KETCHAM I thought that I would be thinking about Margaret, or work, or that I'd be having these deep, profound and depressing thoughts but I'm not. I'm trying to think really profound thoughts, but I can't. It seems very funny to me. RATH What are you thinking about? KETCHAM I'm thinking about Moonpies. Ain't that funny? I haven't had a Moonpie since I was ten years old. Right now, I'm thinking how much I'd love one. RATH And an R.C. He's 'laughing' and Rath laughs with him. Ketcham suddenly stops laughing. They are nearly to the cluster of trees. KETCHAM Can I ask you something? RATH Go ahead. KETCHAM What do other guys do? He looks at the trees, his voice dying in the WIND. RATH Everyone handles it differently. Some are ready, some are not. KETCHAM Do they get down on their knees, begging and crying? RATH Some. KETCHAM When I thought about this, that was always there, in the back of my head, that image of me on my knees, crying. It wouldn't go away and it would really upset me. It was something that I could never get away from... but now, I feel it's okay. I feel good. RATH Can I ask you a question? KETCHAM Anything. RATH Why didn't you fade? KETCHAM You mean quit? RATH Yeah. KETCHAM I used to think about it. I had Margaret. She wanted kids. I thought about moving somewhere far away like, Europe. I could see all of that, the first part, the getting away but I couldn't see that next part. 'Then what?' So I'd stop thinking about it and go back to work. You understand? RATH Yeah. Ketcham smiles and looks around at the grove of birch trees. KETCHAM I always pictured that I would end in some land fill, under someone else's garbage. I kept picturing those plastic diapers filled with some baby's green shit, covering me. But this is nice... He looks at the sun, bloody red seeping into the black horizon. KETCHAM Look at that. I haven't watched the sun set in a million years. Do you mind? RATH No. Ketcham stares at the last of the light. KETCHAM Nice... real nice. With his face hidden from Rath he begins to cry. Rath watches Ketcham staring at the setting sun. Rath looks down at the gun limply held in his hand. When the sun is gone, a red glow at the bottom of a dark- ening sky, we hear the GUN, SILENCED, ONCE, then the BODY FALLING INTO THE MUD. After a beat we hear TWO MORE SHOTS. Ketcham is lying face down, already sinking into the mud, a red cloud mushrooming around his head like the red haze left by the dying sun. Rath breathes in deep and lets the air out slowly, stand- ing alone in the middle of nowhere. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT The room is dark and still. A man is standing at a wall of windows that glow from the amber wash of urban light. Snow is falling, heavy white flakes glittering in the city's electric night. The man finishes his bourbon, ICE CLINKING in the empty glass. He is slightly drunk and he sways forward until his forehead rests against the window. In the dim light, we recognize the man as Rath. Outside there is a beautiful stone church decorated for Christmas. He watches the snowflakes drift to the distant street below. He is wondering what it would feel like to let himself fall, when there is a KNOCK at the door. Crossing the room, he opens the door. Backlit by the bright hallway light is a WOMAN. She has already removed her coat and though she is only a silhouette we can see that her dress is very short and very tight. ESCORT (WOMAN) Hi. Did you call -- RATH Yes. Please come in. Her HIGH HEELS TAP against the tile foyer as she enters and he takes her coat. ESCORT Goodness, it's so dark... She reaches for the wall switch but he stops her. RATH I prefer it like this. ESCORT How can a beautiful man like you be shy? He smiles. RATH I prefer it, that's all. She moves closer to him, the sexual confidence of her body radiating like heat. ESCORT It's okay, honey. We can do it anyway you want. Rath is obviously uncomfortable. RATH Would you like a drink? ESCORT I'd love one. Whatever you're having. They move into the room, from a distance, as featureless as two shadows. She stands at the windows watching the snow-bubble of a city night. ESCORT Beautiful. He hands her the drink. Her smile is bright and perfect. ESCORT Good will towards men. Their glasses clink as he drains half his drink. If she drinks at all, we can not tell. RATH Why are you working today? ESCORT Holidays are our busiest days. No one likes to be alone on holidays. I know I don't. She touches his face, the caress and her expression of tenderness seemingly genuine. RATH You're very good at this aren't you? ESCORT I think you're supposed to answer that question. Her hand slides down his chest, but before it goes any farther Rath turns away, returning to the bar. RATH I know what you expect, but I don't want... He pours himself another drink. ESCORT That's okay, hon, I always expect the unexpected. RATH I called because I just want... I need to talk. She sits on the couch, her body language changing, as she becomes a listener. RATH I've been thinking about my life, about things I have done... What I do for a living is in some ways similiar to what you do. He sits on the other end of the couch, his words thickened by the alcohol. RATH I know that everything has a price. I want you to understand that I'm willing to pay. He takes out an envelope and puts it between them. She picks it up, glancing inside at a stack of hundred dollar bills. ESCORT For what? RATH Honesty. She puts the envelope down. RATH I just want to ask you some questions. Uncomfortable, she waits as he searches his drink for the right words. RATH Do you ever regret things you've done? ESCORT Everyone regrets something. RATH But when you finLsh a job, afterwards do you think about them? ESCORT Sometimes. RATH Do you think about their wives or their families? ESCORT No. They call me, I don't call them. If they didn't call I wouldn't exist. Rath nods. His next question is barely audible. RATH Do you ever think about starting over? ESCORT All the time. RATH Can you tell me about it? For the first time we really see her take a drink. She closes her eyes. ESCORT Sometimes I dream that I meet a man, this good, honest man and we fall in love. I imagine us living on a boat, reading books, sailing to places where no one knows who we were or cares what we did. She opens her eyes and looks at him. RATH And what if you never meet that man? She smiles. ESCORT Then, I'll sail alone. RATH Do you believe that? ESCORT Are you asking me if I believe in another life? Rath nods. ESCORT I have to. She finishes her drink. ESCORT Is that all you want? RATH Yes. She picks up the money and stands. RATH Thank you. ESCORT Anytime. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT It is the same room but now it is very cluttered, room service trays and empty liquor bottles tossed about. He has been here for a while. He is sitting at the table, staring intensely at a chess game; we see the board and all of the pieces set in the same positions as in the opening sequence. He rubs at the whiskers that have darkened his face and then finishes off another bottle of bourbon. He flings the empty bottle across the room as he reaches over the board and moves one of white knights, taking a black rook. A sequence begins, obvious, and he works through it moving both the black and white pieces. Suddenly he stops. He gets up and shifts to the other side of the board, studying the game from white's perspective. Another sequence emerges and he trades the pieces through it as he moves around the table, returning to his place behind the black king. The games reaches its end as black is check-mated. He slumps down onto the table and looks across at the white king. RATH Fuck you, Nick. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAWN Rath is at a desk where he has set up his computer office; a cellular phone is plugged into a modem with cables winding through a scrambler and then into a fax machine and the latest high-powered lap-top computer. On the table near the desk, we see the .22, dismantled and cleaned, spread out on a white towel. He types in a complicated access code sequence, then waits, staring at the blank screen. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Where have you been, Robert? RATH/SCREEN Sick. The flu. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I don't believe you. RATH I don't give a fuck -- RATH/SCREEN It's true. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I have been sitting on a contract from Cleveland for six days because of you. RATH Fuck you, fuck Cleveland, and fuck your contracts -- RATH/SCREEN I need a rest. CONTRACTOR/ SCREEN That's impossible, Robert. You're at the top of your field. These are the best contracts. To stop now would be self-destructive. He looks away from the screen and sees the chess game on the table. RATH/SCREEN Send the file. I'll have the estimate tonight. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I'm worried about you, Robert. RATH You fucking should be -- RATH/SCREEN Don't be. On the screen the word "Transmitting" appears. Rath slowly gets out of his chair. The FAX MACHINE CLICKS and HUXS to life as a photograph of a smiling, old Italian man curls onto the desk. Rath begins destroying the hotel room, smashing anything he can get his hands on. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAY Rath is in the middle of the room which he has demolished. Having showered and shaved, he is now standing naked, in the midst of the rubble, practicing the slow and graceful art of Tai Chi. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is working at the desk. He is tallying numbers, materials, totaling his estimate. Spread out over the table are several faxed photos of the old Italian, Leevio Valli, usually surrounded by bodyguards. The file details Valli's life and his daily routine. It includes: phone bills, credit card and bank account statements, driver license and vehicle registration, the real estate listing of his house and even a copy of his income tax return. Satisfied with his figures, Rath plugs the phone into the modem and makes a call. The network comes on-line as the General Contractor types: CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You're too late, Robert. Rath types. RATH/SCREEN What? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN The contract was stolen. Rath stares at the screen. RATH/SCREEN Who? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN A new player. He's using the name Nicholai. The name hits Rath and he sits, unable to breathe. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You know what must be done. The screen goes black as the network shuts down. Rath looks down at the pile of assembled facts. He lifts a credit card bill on which the name of a restaurant appears every Friday. The name of the restaurant has been circled in red pen by Rath: "Trattoria Roma." EXT. TRATTORIA ROMA - NIGHT A red awning spans the entrance of a popular Italian restaurant. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA It is a large establishment with many tables and booths. The dinner crowd is a mix of yuppies and older Italian families who have been eating here for years. Rath is sitting alone at a booth. With very subtle changes to his appearance, he looks like an older Italian. In front of him is a glass and a carafe of dark red wine. He touches neither of them. His eyes shift as he studies the room. LEEVIO VALLI pushes into the restaurant surrounded by five gorillas in Italian suits. The owner hurries to greet them, hugging, kissing, speaking only Italian. The entourage moves through the restaurant to the over- sized booth in the back. Rath does not look twice at them. Immediately he is watching everyone else, looking for the other assassin. Leevio slides into the booth as his goons stand and sit around the table, obscuring him from all parts of the room. A wine steward immediately brings a bottle of red wine and fills their glasses. A pretty waitress sets a steaming loaf of garlic bread out and a giant bowl of minestrone in front of Leevio. He tells her something and she giggles. They joke in Italian, watching her ass as she wiggles back to the kitchen. At Leevio's table the wine steward returns to fill their glasses. It is the goon standing against the wall that is the first to realize that it is not the same wine steward. He is the second assassin, much younger than Rath. His name is BAIN. He smiles. The goon reaches for his gun as -- Bain SHATTERS the BOTTLE of wine into his face. He screams. Leevio coughs a spray of minestrone, as a GUN flashes free from the white linen towel hung over the steward's arm. It happens instantly. FOUR SHOTS and the goons are dead. Leevio screams. LEEVIO Don't! A FIFTH, SIXTH and SEVENTH SHOT. Leevio's body falls forward and softly thuds on the table. Bain whips around drawing a small SEMI-AUTOMATIC WEAPON from his belt expecting an attack. Facing the screaming crowd, he begins to SHOOT anyone who moves or stands, men or women. There is chaos in the restaurant. People scream, falling to the ground, scrambling under tables. Bain is sweating, his eyes shifting wildly from one end of the room to the other. The restaurant falls quiet except for several people who are sobbing. He moves through the room, watching, searching. BAIN Don't anybody move. You move, you're dead. He passes the table Rath was sitting at, but it is empty. BAIN Come on, you chicken shit motherfucker. I know you're here. Let's go. EXT. CONCRETE PARKING GARAGE Across the street from Trattoria Roma, Rath jacks together a German assault rifle with night scope. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain looks out the window at the dark street. He turns and searches through the people huddled on the floor. He aims his gun. BAIN You! Get up! A quivering wine steward stands. He points to another. BAIN You, too! Up! EXT. PARKING GARAGE THROUGH the NIGHT SCOPE we see the front door to the restaurant open and a group of wine stewards clumped together slowly back out. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain is second from the end, both guns aimed at the stewards. One of them begins to cry. BAIN Not yet. Don't move or you're fucking dead. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath moves the scope back and forth, unable to pick out the assassin. RATH Shit. Just do them all. All of them. Shit. He can't pull the trigger. EXT. TRATTORIA STOREFRONT The group moves toward the street. BAIN Now run! Like dogs out of the gate, they bolt. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as they scatter, finding Bain in his scope. EXT. STREET A chunk of BRICK EXPLODES from the wall just behind Bain's head as he drops behind the row of parked cars along the curb. He laughs. We get the idea that Bain is enjoying this. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath looks over his scope, talking to himself. He is sweating. RATH Shit. What are you doing, old man? You're too fucking slow. He looks back into the scope and begins scanning the line of cars. RATH Okay. Which one? Which one is yours? EXT. CITY STREET Bain is crawling alongside the tightly parked cars, staying low and out of sight. He works his way up to a black Mercedes that is parked illegally next to a fire hydrant and takes out his keys. He hits the remote unlocking the doors. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath finds the fire hydrant in his scope, almost obscured by the parked Mercedes. RATH Amateur. He takes aim. EXT. CITY STREET Just as Bain starts to open the door, the front TIRE EXPLODES. Another second, the back TIRE EXPLODES. BAIN Fuck! INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath waits, steely calm, his finger on the trigger. RATH Your move. EXT. CITY STREET Bain hears the growing wail of POLICE SIRENS. Thinking for a moment, he opens the car door and pulls a long handled switchblade and a roll of electrician's tape from the glove compartment. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath sees the car light go on, but can't make out what Bain is doing. The SIRENS are GETTING LOUDER. There's a lot of them. EXT. CITY STREET Bain finishes taping the knife to his forearm and rolls his shirt sleeve down. From his pocket he takes out a Gameboy and begins playing "Tetris." INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as the police cars come racing down the street. EXT. CITY STREET The CARS SCREECH to a halt in front of the restaurant. The COPS jump out, drawing their weapons. Bain throws his guns down, raising his hands in the air. BAIN Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I give up! More CARS come SCREECHING up as the two officers hold their beads on Bain. COP Hit the ground! Face down! Spread your legs! Bain follows the orders as the second cop edges up to him, frisking him. In this position the Cop is unable to find the knife strapped to Bain's forearm, but finds the Gameboy. BAIN Hey, don't touch that! COP Shut up! The Cop twists Bain's arms behind his back, handcuffing him tightly. They drag him to his feet, a swarm of police and paramedics in the street. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath holds them in his cross hairs as they move to the police car, but is unable to get a clean shot. Bain is using the cops for cover, keeping his head low. RATH Son of a bitch. The Cops shove Bain into the back seat. Rath very quickly walks to his car, tossing his gun into the trunk. He gets in and STARTS the ENGINE. INT. PATROL CAR The two Officers are outside the car talking with the sergeant. Bain, laying low beneath the windows, peeks up at the shadowy parking garage. He smiles. The two Policemen get in the car, the second picking up the radio. The driver GUNS the ENGINE and the black and white RUMBLES down the street. COP #2 This is 181, returning with suspect involved in multiple shooting at Trattoria Roma. Repeat, en route with suspect. He hangs up the radio and looks back at Bain through the metal caging. COP #2 Jesus Christ, do you know who you shot in there? Bain almost laughs. COP #2 What are you? Some kind of a hitman? Bain looks out the window. COP #2 You know what we call guys like you? Bain looks at him. COP #2 Sizzle lean. They're gonna fry your ass. He laughs at his own joke, looking at his partner, who chuckles. EXT. CITY STREET Rath's car races down the street trying to catch up with the patrol car. INT. PATROL CAR Bain stares out the window, silent. Behind his back, he takes hold of his left thumb with his right hand. The Cop is playing with the Gameboy. With a quick jerk, he yanks the thumb out of its socket. His expression remains perfectly blank. The thumb hangs unnaturally from the hand. The skin stretches strangely as he pulls the metal cuff from his wrist. The Cop turns as the SWITCHBLADE CLICKS and Bain sticks the knife through the wire mesh, into the cop's eye. A font of blood arcs onto the windshield. Grabbing hold of the driver's shirt collar, Bain jabs the blade into the back of his neck. The driver screams trying to pull free of Bain's grip. He slams on the brakes, groping for his gun and the CAR SKIDS out of control. Bain stabs the Cop again, his GUN FIRING WILDLY as -- The patrol car starts to flip and roll. INT. RATH'S CAR Rath turns as he hears an EXPLOSION, several blocks away. The TIRES SQUEAL as he makes a hard right. EXT. STREET Orange flames lick up from the belly of the overturned patrol car. Oil black clouds billow into the night sky. Rath's car cruises past. Rath sees the back seat window shattered, kicked out. Bain is gone. RATH I'm not done yet. EXT. CITY STREET INTERSECTION A brand new cab is sitting at a red light. The cabby looks into the rearview mirror, as a pair of headlights roll up behind him. The car gets closer, the lights brighter; they don't stop. He shrieks as the CAR SMASHES INTO HIS, TEARING OFF HIS BUMPER. The cabby jumps out, rattling off a string of obscenities. Rath gets out of the white car, starting to apologize, as the cabby moves toward him. When he's close enough, Rath decks him, knocking him unconscious. He picks him up and puts him in the white car. Rath then gets in the cab and when the light changes to green, he drives off. INT. CAB Rath circles the area, turning up the cab's CB. A couple of CALLS CRACKLE through the speaker, before he hears what he's waiting for; an airport fare in this area. At the intersection of Adams and Nine. He picks up the mike. RATH This is 1242. I got it. EXT. ADAMS AND NINE It is a deserted intersection. The buildings are dark and some of the street lights are out. The cab sits by itself, ENGINE RUNNING, its taillights glowing through the exhaust. INT. CAB Rath holds his gun cocked beneath his coat. His other hand grips the door handle. As he waits, watching the intersection, he notices the cabby's ID pinned to the dashboard. Leaving the gun in his jacket, he reaches for the ID card. He rips it from the dash and as he drops it under the seat, the door behind him opens. Someone gets in and closes the door. Rath peers into the rearview mirror. It is Bain. For the first time we realize that the front and back of the cab is separated by an inch of bullet proof glass. There is an awkward silence as Rath sits, unsure. Bain looks at him. BAIN Is there a problem? RATH No. No problem. The airport, right? BAIN Right. The cab pulls out of the intersection. INT. CAB Rath studies Bain. There is a thin line of blood down his temple. Bain is oblivious to it and pulls out his Gameboy, resuming his game of Tetris. RATH How'd you cut yourself? Their voices are distorted through the small electric amplifier set in the bullet proof glass near the metal money exchanger. Bain touches the blood on his forehead, looking at it a bit surprised. BAIN Oh? Working. A little accident. He wipes it off as best he can. RATH You a waiter? You look like a waiter. Bain is uninterested. BAIN Yeah. Yeah, I'm a waiter. RATH Where?

recovering

How many times the word 'recovering' appears in the text?

Assassins Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS "Assassins", early draft, by Larry & Andy Wachowski ASSASSINS Written by Larry and Andy Wachowski August 12, 1994 FADE IN: PERFECT SQUARE OF BLACK We know that we are looking at something because its polished surface shimmers with light. PULLING BACK, other squares are revealed; the black and white tiles of a chess board. The board rises and spins, slipping beneath us we find ourselves MOVING ACROSS the board, MOVING THROUGH a chess game. The pieces are everywhere, checking and covering other pieces. It has reached that critical moment when pieces are traded and the board begins to clear as two strategies unravel towards a final outcome. Standing above the pieces around him, we see the black king. We MOVE CLOSER TOWARDS his face, CLOSER TO his chiseled ebony features, CLOSER UNTIL we are staring into his cold black eyes... DISSOLVE TO: EXT. MARSH - SUNGLASSES - DUSK The red setting sun is reflected in the black lens. Two men are tromping through the calf-deep mud of an end- less marsh. It is fall, the first frost not far away and the foliage is brown and bare. With the red-orange ball of fire melting into the horizon, the two men at first appear as only silhouettes or shadows slogging through the mire. The man with the sunglasses walks behind the other man. He is very well-dressed in a dark suit. A .22 caliber gun, fitted with a long silencer, dangles from his hand. His name is ROBERT RATH. The other man is WILLIE KETCHAM. He is also wearing a very expensive suit though it is being destroyed by the brambles and mud. As he lifts his foot his Gucci shoe is sucked off by the mud. KETCHAM Aw-shit! He balances on one leg, holding his silk-socked foot in the air. He looks at the shoe, already filling with mud. He looks at Rath. KETCHAM How much farther? RATH Just a little ways. Up to those trees. About a half mile further into the thickening marsh there is a small cluster of trees. KETCHAM Oh, fuck it. He pulls his sock off and plunges his foot into the mud. He smiles. It feels good. He hurls the sock. Lifting his other foot he pulls his shoe off and hurls that. He grabs for the other sock, struggling to get it off, laughing at himself as he slips and falls into the mud. Rath waits, a faint smile. He manages to get the sock off and then stands digging both feet into the dark, wet earth. KETCHAM Hey, this feels kinda good. They move on, Ketcham almost playing, sinking his feet deep pulling them out to make a SPLURCHING, SUCKING NOISE. KETCHAM Hey, do you mind if I talk a little? I feel like, I don't know, talking I guess. RATH Sure. KETCHAM Funny, I've never been a talker. My wife was always getting on me about that. 'Say what you feel, tell me what's bothering you, you ve got to talk to me.' I never would though. Not really. RATH Why not? KETCHAM I don't know. Part of me wanted to but part of me always said, 'What's she going to be able to do?' I don't know. Maybe I didn't trust her. He picks up a handful of mud and begins shaping it like a snowball. KETCHAM My Margaret... I loved her but you know what? I cheated on her. All the time. I don't even know why. It wasn't the sex, Margaret was great in bed. I think if I wasn't married I wouldn't have even looked at some of those women. I knew she couldn't trust me, so how could I trust her? If she was here right now I'd think that I would tell her that I was sorry... 'course, if she were here right now, maybe I wouldn't feel like talking. He throws the mud ball at the grove of trees but they are too far. KETCHAM I think I've heard of you. RATH It's possible. KETCHAM You're pretty famous aren't you? RATH I hope not. KETCHAM I know this may seem like a strange question, but can I ask you how much the contract was for -- not to insult you or anything, I know you're a professional, but just for me, I was just wondering. RATH It's a common question. KETCHAM Oh yeah? I guess we still need to see that price tag. Like art, right? You hang some painting that looks like baby-puke in your living room only if it costs a bundle. RATH A dime. KETCHAM One hundred thousand? That's it? Jesus... Is that a lot? RATH Average. KETCHAM Shit... oh well. Ketcham laughs. KETCHAM I have been thinking about this for a long while. I knew this day was coming. I knew someday someone would make the call on me. I never thought about anyone that I had whacked. What do you call it anyway? RATH Taken. KETCHAM 'Taken.' That's nice. When I had someone taken I would call our General Contractor, transfer the money and as soon as I hung up the phone I forgot about them. RATH Everyone who plays the game knows the rules. KETCHAM That's exactly what I told myself. Ketcham laughs again. He is getting kind of giggly, like he's high. KETCHAM I always wondered what I'd be thinking at this exact moment. I imagined that I would be thinking about the fucker who contracted this, trying to figure out who it was... Something occurs to him and he looks back at Rath. RATH Don't know. That's how it works. KETCHAM That's what our General Contractor told us but how can you trust someone like that? RATH Right. KETCHAM I thought that I would be thinking about Margaret, or work, or that I'd be having these deep, profound and depressing thoughts but I'm not. I'm trying to think really profound thoughts, but I can't. It seems very funny to me. RATH What are you thinking about? KETCHAM I'm thinking about Moonpies. Ain't that funny? I haven't had a Moonpie since I was ten years old. Right now, I'm thinking how much I'd love one. RATH And an R.C. He's 'laughing' and Rath laughs with him. Ketcham suddenly stops laughing. They are nearly to the cluster of trees. KETCHAM Can I ask you something? RATH Go ahead. KETCHAM What do other guys do? He looks at the trees, his voice dying in the WIND. RATH Everyone handles it differently. Some are ready, some are not. KETCHAM Do they get down on their knees, begging and crying? RATH Some. KETCHAM When I thought about this, that was always there, in the back of my head, that image of me on my knees, crying. It wouldn't go away and it would really upset me. It was something that I could never get away from... but now, I feel it's okay. I feel good. RATH Can I ask you a question? KETCHAM Anything. RATH Why didn't you fade? KETCHAM You mean quit? RATH Yeah. KETCHAM I used to think about it. I had Margaret. She wanted kids. I thought about moving somewhere far away like, Europe. I could see all of that, the first part, the getting away but I couldn't see that next part. 'Then what?' So I'd stop thinking about it and go back to work. You understand? RATH Yeah. Ketcham smiles and looks around at the grove of birch trees. KETCHAM I always pictured that I would end in some land fill, under someone else's garbage. I kept picturing those plastic diapers filled with some baby's green shit, covering me. But this is nice... He looks at the sun, bloody red seeping into the black horizon. KETCHAM Look at that. I haven't watched the sun set in a million years. Do you mind? RATH No. Ketcham stares at the last of the light. KETCHAM Nice... real nice. With his face hidden from Rath he begins to cry. Rath watches Ketcham staring at the setting sun. Rath looks down at the gun limply held in his hand. When the sun is gone, a red glow at the bottom of a dark- ening sky, we hear the GUN, SILENCED, ONCE, then the BODY FALLING INTO THE MUD. After a beat we hear TWO MORE SHOTS. Ketcham is lying face down, already sinking into the mud, a red cloud mushrooming around his head like the red haze left by the dying sun. Rath breathes in deep and lets the air out slowly, stand- ing alone in the middle of nowhere. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT The room is dark and still. A man is standing at a wall of windows that glow from the amber wash of urban light. Snow is falling, heavy white flakes glittering in the city's electric night. The man finishes his bourbon, ICE CLINKING in the empty glass. He is slightly drunk and he sways forward until his forehead rests against the window. In the dim light, we recognize the man as Rath. Outside there is a beautiful stone church decorated for Christmas. He watches the snowflakes drift to the distant street below. He is wondering what it would feel like to let himself fall, when there is a KNOCK at the door. Crossing the room, he opens the door. Backlit by the bright hallway light is a WOMAN. She has already removed her coat and though she is only a silhouette we can see that her dress is very short and very tight. ESCORT (WOMAN) Hi. Did you call -- RATH Yes. Please come in. Her HIGH HEELS TAP against the tile foyer as she enters and he takes her coat. ESCORT Goodness, it's so dark... She reaches for the wall switch but he stops her. RATH I prefer it like this. ESCORT How can a beautiful man like you be shy? He smiles. RATH I prefer it, that's all. She moves closer to him, the sexual confidence of her body radiating like heat. ESCORT It's okay, honey. We can do it anyway you want. Rath is obviously uncomfortable. RATH Would you like a drink? ESCORT I'd love one. Whatever you're having. They move into the room, from a distance, as featureless as two shadows. She stands at the windows watching the snow-bubble of a city night. ESCORT Beautiful. He hands her the drink. Her smile is bright and perfect. ESCORT Good will towards men. Their glasses clink as he drains half his drink. If she drinks at all, we can not tell. RATH Why are you working today? ESCORT Holidays are our busiest days. No one likes to be alone on holidays. I know I don't. She touches his face, the caress and her expression of tenderness seemingly genuine. RATH You're very good at this aren't you? ESCORT I think you're supposed to answer that question. Her hand slides down his chest, but before it goes any farther Rath turns away, returning to the bar. RATH I know what you expect, but I don't want... He pours himself another drink. ESCORT That's okay, hon, I always expect the unexpected. RATH I called because I just want... I need to talk. She sits on the couch, her body language changing, as she becomes a listener. RATH I've been thinking about my life, about things I have done... What I do for a living is in some ways similiar to what you do. He sits on the other end of the couch, his words thickened by the alcohol. RATH I know that everything has a price. I want you to understand that I'm willing to pay. He takes out an envelope and puts it between them. She picks it up, glancing inside at a stack of hundred dollar bills. ESCORT For what? RATH Honesty. She puts the envelope down. RATH I just want to ask you some questions. Uncomfortable, she waits as he searches his drink for the right words. RATH Do you ever regret things you've done? ESCORT Everyone regrets something. RATH But when you finLsh a job, afterwards do you think about them? ESCORT Sometimes. RATH Do you think about their wives or their families? ESCORT No. They call me, I don't call them. If they didn't call I wouldn't exist. Rath nods. His next question is barely audible. RATH Do you ever think about starting over? ESCORT All the time. RATH Can you tell me about it? For the first time we really see her take a drink. She closes her eyes. ESCORT Sometimes I dream that I meet a man, this good, honest man and we fall in love. I imagine us living on a boat, reading books, sailing to places where no one knows who we were or cares what we did. She opens her eyes and looks at him. RATH And what if you never meet that man? She smiles. ESCORT Then, I'll sail alone. RATH Do you believe that? ESCORT Are you asking me if I believe in another life? Rath nods. ESCORT I have to. She finishes her drink. ESCORT Is that all you want? RATH Yes. She picks up the money and stands. RATH Thank you. ESCORT Anytime. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT It is the same room but now it is very cluttered, room service trays and empty liquor bottles tossed about. He has been here for a while. He is sitting at the table, staring intensely at a chess game; we see the board and all of the pieces set in the same positions as in the opening sequence. He rubs at the whiskers that have darkened his face and then finishes off another bottle of bourbon. He flings the empty bottle across the room as he reaches over the board and moves one of white knights, taking a black rook. A sequence begins, obvious, and he works through it moving both the black and white pieces. Suddenly he stops. He gets up and shifts to the other side of the board, studying the game from white's perspective. Another sequence emerges and he trades the pieces through it as he moves around the table, returning to his place behind the black king. The games reaches its end as black is check-mated. He slumps down onto the table and looks across at the white king. RATH Fuck you, Nick. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAWN Rath is at a desk where he has set up his computer office; a cellular phone is plugged into a modem with cables winding through a scrambler and then into a fax machine and the latest high-powered lap-top computer. On the table near the desk, we see the .22, dismantled and cleaned, spread out on a white towel. He types in a complicated access code sequence, then waits, staring at the blank screen. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Where have you been, Robert? RATH/SCREEN Sick. The flu. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I don't believe you. RATH I don't give a fuck -- RATH/SCREEN It's true. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I have been sitting on a contract from Cleveland for six days because of you. RATH Fuck you, fuck Cleveland, and fuck your contracts -- RATH/SCREEN I need a rest. CONTRACTOR/ SCREEN That's impossible, Robert. You're at the top of your field. These are the best contracts. To stop now would be self-destructive. He looks away from the screen and sees the chess game on the table. RATH/SCREEN Send the file. I'll have the estimate tonight. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I'm worried about you, Robert. RATH You fucking should be -- RATH/SCREEN Don't be. On the screen the word "Transmitting" appears. Rath slowly gets out of his chair. The FAX MACHINE CLICKS and HUXS to life as a photograph of a smiling, old Italian man curls onto the desk. Rath begins destroying the hotel room, smashing anything he can get his hands on. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAY Rath is in the middle of the room which he has demolished. Having showered and shaved, he is now standing naked, in the midst of the rubble, practicing the slow and graceful art of Tai Chi. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is working at the desk. He is tallying numbers, materials, totaling his estimate. Spread out over the table are several faxed photos of the old Italian, Leevio Valli, usually surrounded by bodyguards. The file details Valli's life and his daily routine. It includes: phone bills, credit card and bank account statements, driver license and vehicle registration, the real estate listing of his house and even a copy of his income tax return. Satisfied with his figures, Rath plugs the phone into the modem and makes a call. The network comes on-line as the General Contractor types: CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You're too late, Robert. Rath types. RATH/SCREEN What? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN The contract was stolen. Rath stares at the screen. RATH/SCREEN Who? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN A new player. He's using the name Nicholai. The name hits Rath and he sits, unable to breathe. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You know what must be done. The screen goes black as the network shuts down. Rath looks down at the pile of assembled facts. He lifts a credit card bill on which the name of a restaurant appears every Friday. The name of the restaurant has been circled in red pen by Rath: "Trattoria Roma." EXT. TRATTORIA ROMA - NIGHT A red awning spans the entrance of a popular Italian restaurant. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA It is a large establishment with many tables and booths. The dinner crowd is a mix of yuppies and older Italian families who have been eating here for years. Rath is sitting alone at a booth. With very subtle changes to his appearance, he looks like an older Italian. In front of him is a glass and a carafe of dark red wine. He touches neither of them. His eyes shift as he studies the room. LEEVIO VALLI pushes into the restaurant surrounded by five gorillas in Italian suits. The owner hurries to greet them, hugging, kissing, speaking only Italian. The entourage moves through the restaurant to the over- sized booth in the back. Rath does not look twice at them. Immediately he is watching everyone else, looking for the other assassin. Leevio slides into the booth as his goons stand and sit around the table, obscuring him from all parts of the room. A wine steward immediately brings a bottle of red wine and fills their glasses. A pretty waitress sets a steaming loaf of garlic bread out and a giant bowl of minestrone in front of Leevio. He tells her something and she giggles. They joke in Italian, watching her ass as she wiggles back to the kitchen. At Leevio's table the wine steward returns to fill their glasses. It is the goon standing against the wall that is the first to realize that it is not the same wine steward. He is the second assassin, much younger than Rath. His name is BAIN. He smiles. The goon reaches for his gun as -- Bain SHATTERS the BOTTLE of wine into his face. He screams. Leevio coughs a spray of minestrone, as a GUN flashes free from the white linen towel hung over the steward's arm. It happens instantly. FOUR SHOTS and the goons are dead. Leevio screams. LEEVIO Don't! A FIFTH, SIXTH and SEVENTH SHOT. Leevio's body falls forward and softly thuds on the table. Bain whips around drawing a small SEMI-AUTOMATIC WEAPON from his belt expecting an attack. Facing the screaming crowd, he begins to SHOOT anyone who moves or stands, men or women. There is chaos in the restaurant. People scream, falling to the ground, scrambling under tables. Bain is sweating, his eyes shifting wildly from one end of the room to the other. The restaurant falls quiet except for several people who are sobbing. He moves through the room, watching, searching. BAIN Don't anybody move. You move, you're dead. He passes the table Rath was sitting at, but it is empty. BAIN Come on, you chicken shit motherfucker. I know you're here. Let's go. EXT. CONCRETE PARKING GARAGE Across the street from Trattoria Roma, Rath jacks together a German assault rifle with night scope. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain looks out the window at the dark street. He turns and searches through the people huddled on the floor. He aims his gun. BAIN You! Get up! A quivering wine steward stands. He points to another. BAIN You, too! Up! EXT. PARKING GARAGE THROUGH the NIGHT SCOPE we see the front door to the restaurant open and a group of wine stewards clumped together slowly back out. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain is second from the end, both guns aimed at the stewards. One of them begins to cry. BAIN Not yet. Don't move or you're fucking dead. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath moves the scope back and forth, unable to pick out the assassin. RATH Shit. Just do them all. All of them. Shit. He can't pull the trigger. EXT. TRATTORIA STOREFRONT The group moves toward the street. BAIN Now run! Like dogs out of the gate, they bolt. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as they scatter, finding Bain in his scope. EXT. STREET A chunk of BRICK EXPLODES from the wall just behind Bain's head as he drops behind the row of parked cars along the curb. He laughs. We get the idea that Bain is enjoying this. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath looks over his scope, talking to himself. He is sweating. RATH Shit. What are you doing, old man? You're too fucking slow. He looks back into the scope and begins scanning the line of cars. RATH Okay. Which one? Which one is yours? EXT. CITY STREET Bain is crawling alongside the tightly parked cars, staying low and out of sight. He works his way up to a black Mercedes that is parked illegally next to a fire hydrant and takes out his keys. He hits the remote unlocking the doors. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath finds the fire hydrant in his scope, almost obscured by the parked Mercedes. RATH Amateur. He takes aim. EXT. CITY STREET Just as Bain starts to open the door, the front TIRE EXPLODES. Another second, the back TIRE EXPLODES. BAIN Fuck! INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath waits, steely calm, his finger on the trigger. RATH Your move. EXT. CITY STREET Bain hears the growing wail of POLICE SIRENS. Thinking for a moment, he opens the car door and pulls a long handled switchblade and a roll of electrician's tape from the glove compartment. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath sees the car light go on, but can't make out what Bain is doing. The SIRENS are GETTING LOUDER. There's a lot of them. EXT. CITY STREET Bain finishes taping the knife to his forearm and rolls his shirt sleeve down. From his pocket he takes out a Gameboy and begins playing "Tetris." INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as the police cars come racing down the street. EXT. CITY STREET The CARS SCREECH to a halt in front of the restaurant. The COPS jump out, drawing their weapons. Bain throws his guns down, raising his hands in the air. BAIN Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I give up! More CARS come SCREECHING up as the two officers hold their beads on Bain. COP Hit the ground! Face down! Spread your legs! Bain follows the orders as the second cop edges up to him, frisking him. In this position the Cop is unable to find the knife strapped to Bain's forearm, but finds the Gameboy. BAIN Hey, don't touch that! COP Shut up! The Cop twists Bain's arms behind his back, handcuffing him tightly. They drag him to his feet, a swarm of police and paramedics in the street. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath holds them in his cross hairs as they move to the police car, but is unable to get a clean shot. Bain is using the cops for cover, keeping his head low. RATH Son of a bitch. The Cops shove Bain into the back seat. Rath very quickly walks to his car, tossing his gun into the trunk. He gets in and STARTS the ENGINE. INT. PATROL CAR The two Officers are outside the car talking with the sergeant. Bain, laying low beneath the windows, peeks up at the shadowy parking garage. He smiles. The two Policemen get in the car, the second picking up the radio. The driver GUNS the ENGINE and the black and white RUMBLES down the street. COP #2 This is 181, returning with suspect involved in multiple shooting at Trattoria Roma. Repeat, en route with suspect. He hangs up the radio and looks back at Bain through the metal caging. COP #2 Jesus Christ, do you know who you shot in there? Bain almost laughs. COP #2 What are you? Some kind of a hitman? Bain looks out the window. COP #2 You know what we call guys like you? Bain looks at him. COP #2 Sizzle lean. They're gonna fry your ass. He laughs at his own joke, looking at his partner, who chuckles. EXT. CITY STREET Rath's car races down the street trying to catch up with the patrol car. INT. PATROL CAR Bain stares out the window, silent. Behind his back, he takes hold of his left thumb with his right hand. The Cop is playing with the Gameboy. With a quick jerk, he yanks the thumb out of its socket. His expression remains perfectly blank. The thumb hangs unnaturally from the hand. The skin stretches strangely as he pulls the metal cuff from his wrist. The Cop turns as the SWITCHBLADE CLICKS and Bain sticks the knife through the wire mesh, into the cop's eye. A font of blood arcs onto the windshield. Grabbing hold of the driver's shirt collar, Bain jabs the blade into the back of his neck. The driver screams trying to pull free of Bain's grip. He slams on the brakes, groping for his gun and the CAR SKIDS out of control. Bain stabs the Cop again, his GUN FIRING WILDLY as -- The patrol car starts to flip and roll. INT. RATH'S CAR Rath turns as he hears an EXPLOSION, several blocks away. The TIRES SQUEAL as he makes a hard right. EXT. STREET Orange flames lick up from the belly of the overturned patrol car. Oil black clouds billow into the night sky. Rath's car cruises past. Rath sees the back seat window shattered, kicked out. Bain is gone. RATH I'm not done yet. EXT. CITY STREET INTERSECTION A brand new cab is sitting at a red light. The cabby looks into the rearview mirror, as a pair of headlights roll up behind him. The car gets closer, the lights brighter; they don't stop. He shrieks as the CAR SMASHES INTO HIS, TEARING OFF HIS BUMPER. The cabby jumps out, rattling off a string of obscenities. Rath gets out of the white car, starting to apologize, as the cabby moves toward him. When he's close enough, Rath decks him, knocking him unconscious. He picks him up and puts him in the white car. Rath then gets in the cab and when the light changes to green, he drives off. INT. CAB Rath circles the area, turning up the cab's CB. A couple of CALLS CRACKLE through the speaker, before he hears what he's waiting for; an airport fare in this area. At the intersection of Adams and Nine. He picks up the mike. RATH This is 1242. I got it. EXT. ADAMS AND NINE It is a deserted intersection. The buildings are dark and some of the street lights are out. The cab sits by itself, ENGINE RUNNING, its taillights glowing through the exhaust. INT. CAB Rath holds his gun cocked beneath his coat. His other hand grips the door handle. As he waits, watching the intersection, he notices the cabby's ID pinned to the dashboard. Leaving the gun in his jacket, he reaches for the ID card. He rips it from the dash and as he drops it under the seat, the door behind him opens. Someone gets in and closes the door. Rath peers into the rearview mirror. It is Bain. For the first time we realize that the front and back of the cab is separated by an inch of bullet proof glass. There is an awkward silence as Rath sits, unsure. Bain looks at him. BAIN Is there a problem? RATH No. No problem. The airport, right? BAIN Right. The cab pulls out of the intersection. INT. CAB Rath studies Bain. There is a thin line of blood down his temple. Bain is oblivious to it and pulls out his Gameboy, resuming his game of Tetris. RATH How'd you cut yourself? Their voices are distorted through the small electric amplifier set in the bullet proof glass near the metal money exchanger. Bain touches the blood on his forehead, looking at it a bit surprised. BAIN Oh? Working. A little accident. He wipes it off as best he can. RATH You a waiter? You look like a waiter. Bain is uninterested. BAIN Yeah. Yeah, I'm a waiter. RATH Where?

ourselves

How many times the word 'ourselves' appears in the text?

Assassins Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS "Assassins", early draft, by Larry & Andy Wachowski ASSASSINS Written by Larry and Andy Wachowski August 12, 1994 FADE IN: PERFECT SQUARE OF BLACK We know that we are looking at something because its polished surface shimmers with light. PULLING BACK, other squares are revealed; the black and white tiles of a chess board. The board rises and spins, slipping beneath us we find ourselves MOVING ACROSS the board, MOVING THROUGH a chess game. The pieces are everywhere, checking and covering other pieces. It has reached that critical moment when pieces are traded and the board begins to clear as two strategies unravel towards a final outcome. Standing above the pieces around him, we see the black king. We MOVE CLOSER TOWARDS his face, CLOSER TO his chiseled ebony features, CLOSER UNTIL we are staring into his cold black eyes... DISSOLVE TO: EXT. MARSH - SUNGLASSES - DUSK The red setting sun is reflected in the black lens. Two men are tromping through the calf-deep mud of an end- less marsh. It is fall, the first frost not far away and the foliage is brown and bare. With the red-orange ball of fire melting into the horizon, the two men at first appear as only silhouettes or shadows slogging through the mire. The man with the sunglasses walks behind the other man. He is very well-dressed in a dark suit. A .22 caliber gun, fitted with a long silencer, dangles from his hand. His name is ROBERT RATH. The other man is WILLIE KETCHAM. He is also wearing a very expensive suit though it is being destroyed by the brambles and mud. As he lifts his foot his Gucci shoe is sucked off by the mud. KETCHAM Aw-shit! He balances on one leg, holding his silk-socked foot in the air. He looks at the shoe, already filling with mud. He looks at Rath. KETCHAM How much farther? RATH Just a little ways. Up to those trees. About a half mile further into the thickening marsh there is a small cluster of trees. KETCHAM Oh, fuck it. He pulls his sock off and plunges his foot into the mud. He smiles. It feels good. He hurls the sock. Lifting his other foot he pulls his shoe off and hurls that. He grabs for the other sock, struggling to get it off, laughing at himself as he slips and falls into the mud. Rath waits, a faint smile. He manages to get the sock off and then stands digging both feet into the dark, wet earth. KETCHAM Hey, this feels kinda good. They move on, Ketcham almost playing, sinking his feet deep pulling them out to make a SPLURCHING, SUCKING NOISE. KETCHAM Hey, do you mind if I talk a little? I feel like, I don't know, talking I guess. RATH Sure. KETCHAM Funny, I've never been a talker. My wife was always getting on me about that. 'Say what you feel, tell me what's bothering you, you ve got to talk to me.' I never would though. Not really. RATH Why not? KETCHAM I don't know. Part of me wanted to but part of me always said, 'What's she going to be able to do?' I don't know. Maybe I didn't trust her. He picks up a handful of mud and begins shaping it like a snowball. KETCHAM My Margaret... I loved her but you know what? I cheated on her. All the time. I don't even know why. It wasn't the sex, Margaret was great in bed. I think if I wasn't married I wouldn't have even looked at some of those women. I knew she couldn't trust me, so how could I trust her? If she was here right now I'd think that I would tell her that I was sorry... 'course, if she were here right now, maybe I wouldn't feel like talking. He throws the mud ball at the grove of trees but they are too far. KETCHAM I think I've heard of you. RATH It's possible. KETCHAM You're pretty famous aren't you? RATH I hope not. KETCHAM I know this may seem like a strange question, but can I ask you how much the contract was for -- not to insult you or anything, I know you're a professional, but just for me, I was just wondering. RATH It's a common question. KETCHAM Oh yeah? I guess we still need to see that price tag. Like art, right? You hang some painting that looks like baby-puke in your living room only if it costs a bundle. RATH A dime. KETCHAM One hundred thousand? That's it? Jesus... Is that a lot? RATH Average. KETCHAM Shit... oh well. Ketcham laughs. KETCHAM I have been thinking about this for a long while. I knew this day was coming. I knew someday someone would make the call on me. I never thought about anyone that I had whacked. What do you call it anyway? RATH Taken. KETCHAM 'Taken.' That's nice. When I had someone taken I would call our General Contractor, transfer the money and as soon as I hung up the phone I forgot about them. RATH Everyone who plays the game knows the rules. KETCHAM That's exactly what I told myself. Ketcham laughs again. He is getting kind of giggly, like he's high. KETCHAM I always wondered what I'd be thinking at this exact moment. I imagined that I would be thinking about the fucker who contracted this, trying to figure out who it was... Something occurs to him and he looks back at Rath. RATH Don't know. That's how it works. KETCHAM That's what our General Contractor told us but how can you trust someone like that? RATH Right. KETCHAM I thought that I would be thinking about Margaret, or work, or that I'd be having these deep, profound and depressing thoughts but I'm not. I'm trying to think really profound thoughts, but I can't. It seems very funny to me. RATH What are you thinking about? KETCHAM I'm thinking about Moonpies. Ain't that funny? I haven't had a Moonpie since I was ten years old. Right now, I'm thinking how much I'd love one. RATH And an R.C. He's 'laughing' and Rath laughs with him. Ketcham suddenly stops laughing. They are nearly to the cluster of trees. KETCHAM Can I ask you something? RATH Go ahead. KETCHAM What do other guys do? He looks at the trees, his voice dying in the WIND. RATH Everyone handles it differently. Some are ready, some are not. KETCHAM Do they get down on their knees, begging and crying? RATH Some. KETCHAM When I thought about this, that was always there, in the back of my head, that image of me on my knees, crying. It wouldn't go away and it would really upset me. It was something that I could never get away from... but now, I feel it's okay. I feel good. RATH Can I ask you a question? KETCHAM Anything. RATH Why didn't you fade? KETCHAM You mean quit? RATH Yeah. KETCHAM I used to think about it. I had Margaret. She wanted kids. I thought about moving somewhere far away like, Europe. I could see all of that, the first part, the getting away but I couldn't see that next part. 'Then what?' So I'd stop thinking about it and go back to work. You understand? RATH Yeah. Ketcham smiles and looks around at the grove of birch trees. KETCHAM I always pictured that I would end in some land fill, under someone else's garbage. I kept picturing those plastic diapers filled with some baby's green shit, covering me. But this is nice... He looks at the sun, bloody red seeping into the black horizon. KETCHAM Look at that. I haven't watched the sun set in a million years. Do you mind? RATH No. Ketcham stares at the last of the light. KETCHAM Nice... real nice. With his face hidden from Rath he begins to cry. Rath watches Ketcham staring at the setting sun. Rath looks down at the gun limply held in his hand. When the sun is gone, a red glow at the bottom of a dark- ening sky, we hear the GUN, SILENCED, ONCE, then the BODY FALLING INTO THE MUD. After a beat we hear TWO MORE SHOTS. Ketcham is lying face down, already sinking into the mud, a red cloud mushrooming around his head like the red haze left by the dying sun. Rath breathes in deep and lets the air out slowly, stand- ing alone in the middle of nowhere. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT The room is dark and still. A man is standing at a wall of windows that glow from the amber wash of urban light. Snow is falling, heavy white flakes glittering in the city's electric night. The man finishes his bourbon, ICE CLINKING in the empty glass. He is slightly drunk and he sways forward until his forehead rests against the window. In the dim light, we recognize the man as Rath. Outside there is a beautiful stone church decorated for Christmas. He watches the snowflakes drift to the distant street below. He is wondering what it would feel like to let himself fall, when there is a KNOCK at the door. Crossing the room, he opens the door. Backlit by the bright hallway light is a WOMAN. She has already removed her coat and though she is only a silhouette we can see that her dress is very short and very tight. ESCORT (WOMAN) Hi. Did you call -- RATH Yes. Please come in. Her HIGH HEELS TAP against the tile foyer as she enters and he takes her coat. ESCORT Goodness, it's so dark... She reaches for the wall switch but he stops her. RATH I prefer it like this. ESCORT How can a beautiful man like you be shy? He smiles. RATH I prefer it, that's all. She moves closer to him, the sexual confidence of her body radiating like heat. ESCORT It's okay, honey. We can do it anyway you want. Rath is obviously uncomfortable. RATH Would you like a drink? ESCORT I'd love one. Whatever you're having. They move into the room, from a distance, as featureless as two shadows. She stands at the windows watching the snow-bubble of a city night. ESCORT Beautiful. He hands her the drink. Her smile is bright and perfect. ESCORT Good will towards men. Their glasses clink as he drains half his drink. If she drinks at all, we can not tell. RATH Why are you working today? ESCORT Holidays are our busiest days. No one likes to be alone on holidays. I know I don't. She touches his face, the caress and her expression of tenderness seemingly genuine. RATH You're very good at this aren't you? ESCORT I think you're supposed to answer that question. Her hand slides down his chest, but before it goes any farther Rath turns away, returning to the bar. RATH I know what you expect, but I don't want... He pours himself another drink. ESCORT That's okay, hon, I always expect the unexpected. RATH I called because I just want... I need to talk. She sits on the couch, her body language changing, as she becomes a listener. RATH I've been thinking about my life, about things I have done... What I do for a living is in some ways similiar to what you do. He sits on the other end of the couch, his words thickened by the alcohol. RATH I know that everything has a price. I want you to understand that I'm willing to pay. He takes out an envelope and puts it between them. She picks it up, glancing inside at a stack of hundred dollar bills. ESCORT For what? RATH Honesty. She puts the envelope down. RATH I just want to ask you some questions. Uncomfortable, she waits as he searches his drink for the right words. RATH Do you ever regret things you've done? ESCORT Everyone regrets something. RATH But when you finLsh a job, afterwards do you think about them? ESCORT Sometimes. RATH Do you think about their wives or their families? ESCORT No. They call me, I don't call them. If they didn't call I wouldn't exist. Rath nods. His next question is barely audible. RATH Do you ever think about starting over? ESCORT All the time. RATH Can you tell me about it? For the first time we really see her take a drink. She closes her eyes. ESCORT Sometimes I dream that I meet a man, this good, honest man and we fall in love. I imagine us living on a boat, reading books, sailing to places where no one knows who we were or cares what we did. She opens her eyes and looks at him. RATH And what if you never meet that man? She smiles. ESCORT Then, I'll sail alone. RATH Do you believe that? ESCORT Are you asking me if I believe in another life? Rath nods. ESCORT I have to. She finishes her drink. ESCORT Is that all you want? RATH Yes. She picks up the money and stands. RATH Thank you. ESCORT Anytime. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT It is the same room but now it is very cluttered, room service trays and empty liquor bottles tossed about. He has been here for a while. He is sitting at the table, staring intensely at a chess game; we see the board and all of the pieces set in the same positions as in the opening sequence. He rubs at the whiskers that have darkened his face and then finishes off another bottle of bourbon. He flings the empty bottle across the room as he reaches over the board and moves one of white knights, taking a black rook. A sequence begins, obvious, and he works through it moving both the black and white pieces. Suddenly he stops. He gets up and shifts to the other side of the board, studying the game from white's perspective. Another sequence emerges and he trades the pieces through it as he moves around the table, returning to his place behind the black king. The games reaches its end as black is check-mated. He slumps down onto the table and looks across at the white king. RATH Fuck you, Nick. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAWN Rath is at a desk where he has set up his computer office; a cellular phone is plugged into a modem with cables winding through a scrambler and then into a fax machine and the latest high-powered lap-top computer. On the table near the desk, we see the .22, dismantled and cleaned, spread out on a white towel. He types in a complicated access code sequence, then waits, staring at the blank screen. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Where have you been, Robert? RATH/SCREEN Sick. The flu. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I don't believe you. RATH I don't give a fuck -- RATH/SCREEN It's true. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I have been sitting on a contract from Cleveland for six days because of you. RATH Fuck you, fuck Cleveland, and fuck your contracts -- RATH/SCREEN I need a rest. CONTRACTOR/ SCREEN That's impossible, Robert. You're at the top of your field. These are the best contracts. To stop now would be self-destructive. He looks away from the screen and sees the chess game on the table. RATH/SCREEN Send the file. I'll have the estimate tonight. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I'm worried about you, Robert. RATH You fucking should be -- RATH/SCREEN Don't be. On the screen the word "Transmitting" appears. Rath slowly gets out of his chair. The FAX MACHINE CLICKS and HUXS to life as a photograph of a smiling, old Italian man curls onto the desk. Rath begins destroying the hotel room, smashing anything he can get his hands on. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAY Rath is in the middle of the room which he has demolished. Having showered and shaved, he is now standing naked, in the midst of the rubble, practicing the slow and graceful art of Tai Chi. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is working at the desk. He is tallying numbers, materials, totaling his estimate. Spread out over the table are several faxed photos of the old Italian, Leevio Valli, usually surrounded by bodyguards. The file details Valli's life and his daily routine. It includes: phone bills, credit card and bank account statements, driver license and vehicle registration, the real estate listing of his house and even a copy of his income tax return. Satisfied with his figures, Rath plugs the phone into the modem and makes a call. The network comes on-line as the General Contractor types: CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You're too late, Robert. Rath types. RATH/SCREEN What? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN The contract was stolen. Rath stares at the screen. RATH/SCREEN Who? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN A new player. He's using the name Nicholai. The name hits Rath and he sits, unable to breathe. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You know what must be done. The screen goes black as the network shuts down. Rath looks down at the pile of assembled facts. He lifts a credit card bill on which the name of a restaurant appears every Friday. The name of the restaurant has been circled in red pen by Rath: "Trattoria Roma." EXT. TRATTORIA ROMA - NIGHT A red awning spans the entrance of a popular Italian restaurant. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA It is a large establishment with many tables and booths. The dinner crowd is a mix of yuppies and older Italian families who have been eating here for years. Rath is sitting alone at a booth. With very subtle changes to his appearance, he looks like an older Italian. In front of him is a glass and a carafe of dark red wine. He touches neither of them. His eyes shift as he studies the room. LEEVIO VALLI pushes into the restaurant surrounded by five gorillas in Italian suits. The owner hurries to greet them, hugging, kissing, speaking only Italian. The entourage moves through the restaurant to the over- sized booth in the back. Rath does not look twice at them. Immediately he is watching everyone else, looking for the other assassin. Leevio slides into the booth as his goons stand and sit around the table, obscuring him from all parts of the room. A wine steward immediately brings a bottle of red wine and fills their glasses. A pretty waitress sets a steaming loaf of garlic bread out and a giant bowl of minestrone in front of Leevio. He tells her something and she giggles. They joke in Italian, watching her ass as she wiggles back to the kitchen. At Leevio's table the wine steward returns to fill their glasses. It is the goon standing against the wall that is the first to realize that it is not the same wine steward. He is the second assassin, much younger than Rath. His name is BAIN. He smiles. The goon reaches for his gun as -- Bain SHATTERS the BOTTLE of wine into his face. He screams. Leevio coughs a spray of minestrone, as a GUN flashes free from the white linen towel hung over the steward's arm. It happens instantly. FOUR SHOTS and the goons are dead. Leevio screams. LEEVIO Don't! A FIFTH, SIXTH and SEVENTH SHOT. Leevio's body falls forward and softly thuds on the table. Bain whips around drawing a small SEMI-AUTOMATIC WEAPON from his belt expecting an attack. Facing the screaming crowd, he begins to SHOOT anyone who moves or stands, men or women. There is chaos in the restaurant. People scream, falling to the ground, scrambling under tables. Bain is sweating, his eyes shifting wildly from one end of the room to the other. The restaurant falls quiet except for several people who are sobbing. He moves through the room, watching, searching. BAIN Don't anybody move. You move, you're dead. He passes the table Rath was sitting at, but it is empty. BAIN Come on, you chicken shit motherfucker. I know you're here. Let's go. EXT. CONCRETE PARKING GARAGE Across the street from Trattoria Roma, Rath jacks together a German assault rifle with night scope. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain looks out the window at the dark street. He turns and searches through the people huddled on the floor. He aims his gun. BAIN You! Get up! A quivering wine steward stands. He points to another. BAIN You, too! Up! EXT. PARKING GARAGE THROUGH the NIGHT SCOPE we see the front door to the restaurant open and a group of wine stewards clumped together slowly back out. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain is second from the end, both guns aimed at the stewards. One of them begins to cry. BAIN Not yet. Don't move or you're fucking dead. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath moves the scope back and forth, unable to pick out the assassin. RATH Shit. Just do them all. All of them. Shit. He can't pull the trigger. EXT. TRATTORIA STOREFRONT The group moves toward the street. BAIN Now run! Like dogs out of the gate, they bolt. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as they scatter, finding Bain in his scope. EXT. STREET A chunk of BRICK EXPLODES from the wall just behind Bain's head as he drops behind the row of parked cars along the curb. He laughs. We get the idea that Bain is enjoying this. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath looks over his scope, talking to himself. He is sweating. RATH Shit. What are you doing, old man? You're too fucking slow. He looks back into the scope and begins scanning the line of cars. RATH Okay. Which one? Which one is yours? EXT. CITY STREET Bain is crawling alongside the tightly parked cars, staying low and out of sight. He works his way up to a black Mercedes that is parked illegally next to a fire hydrant and takes out his keys. He hits the remote unlocking the doors. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath finds the fire hydrant in his scope, almost obscured by the parked Mercedes. RATH Amateur. He takes aim. EXT. CITY STREET Just as Bain starts to open the door, the front TIRE EXPLODES. Another second, the back TIRE EXPLODES. BAIN Fuck! INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath waits, steely calm, his finger on the trigger. RATH Your move. EXT. CITY STREET Bain hears the growing wail of POLICE SIRENS. Thinking for a moment, he opens the car door and pulls a long handled switchblade and a roll of electrician's tape from the glove compartment. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath sees the car light go on, but can't make out what Bain is doing. The SIRENS are GETTING LOUDER. There's a lot of them. EXT. CITY STREET Bain finishes taping the knife to his forearm and rolls his shirt sleeve down. From his pocket he takes out a Gameboy and begins playing "Tetris." INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as the police cars come racing down the street. EXT. CITY STREET The CARS SCREECH to a halt in front of the restaurant. The COPS jump out, drawing their weapons. Bain throws his guns down, raising his hands in the air. BAIN Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I give up! More CARS come SCREECHING up as the two officers hold their beads on Bain. COP Hit the ground! Face down! Spread your legs! Bain follows the orders as the second cop edges up to him, frisking him. In this position the Cop is unable to find the knife strapped to Bain's forearm, but finds the Gameboy. BAIN Hey, don't touch that! COP Shut up! The Cop twists Bain's arms behind his back, handcuffing him tightly. They drag him to his feet, a swarm of police and paramedics in the street. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath holds them in his cross hairs as they move to the police car, but is unable to get a clean shot. Bain is using the cops for cover, keeping his head low. RATH Son of a bitch. The Cops shove Bain into the back seat. Rath very quickly walks to his car, tossing his gun into the trunk. He gets in and STARTS the ENGINE. INT. PATROL CAR The two Officers are outside the car talking with the sergeant. Bain, laying low beneath the windows, peeks up at the shadowy parking garage. He smiles. The two Policemen get in the car, the second picking up the radio. The driver GUNS the ENGINE and the black and white RUMBLES down the street. COP #2 This is 181, returning with suspect involved in multiple shooting at Trattoria Roma. Repeat, en route with suspect. He hangs up the radio and looks back at Bain through the metal caging. COP #2 Jesus Christ, do you know who you shot in there? Bain almost laughs. COP #2 What are you? Some kind of a hitman? Bain looks out the window. COP #2 You know what we call guys like you? Bain looks at him. COP #2 Sizzle lean. They're gonna fry your ass. He laughs at his own joke, looking at his partner, who chuckles. EXT. CITY STREET Rath's car races down the street trying to catch up with the patrol car. INT. PATROL CAR Bain stares out the window, silent. Behind his back, he takes hold of his left thumb with his right hand. The Cop is playing with the Gameboy. With a quick jerk, he yanks the thumb out of its socket. His expression remains perfectly blank. The thumb hangs unnaturally from the hand. The skin stretches strangely as he pulls the metal cuff from his wrist. The Cop turns as the SWITCHBLADE CLICKS and Bain sticks the knife through the wire mesh, into the cop's eye. A font of blood arcs onto the windshield. Grabbing hold of the driver's shirt collar, Bain jabs the blade into the back of his neck. The driver screams trying to pull free of Bain's grip. He slams on the brakes, groping for his gun and the CAR SKIDS out of control. Bain stabs the Cop again, his GUN FIRING WILDLY as -- The patrol car starts to flip and roll. INT. RATH'S CAR Rath turns as he hears an EXPLOSION, several blocks away. The TIRES SQUEAL as he makes a hard right. EXT. STREET Orange flames lick up from the belly of the overturned patrol car. Oil black clouds billow into the night sky. Rath's car cruises past. Rath sees the back seat window shattered, kicked out. Bain is gone. RATH I'm not done yet. EXT. CITY STREET INTERSECTION A brand new cab is sitting at a red light. The cabby looks into the rearview mirror, as a pair of headlights roll up behind him. The car gets closer, the lights brighter; they don't stop. He shrieks as the CAR SMASHES INTO HIS, TEARING OFF HIS BUMPER. The cabby jumps out, rattling off a string of obscenities. Rath gets out of the white car, starting to apologize, as the cabby moves toward him. When he's close enough, Rath decks him, knocking him unconscious. He picks him up and puts him in the white car. Rath then gets in the cab and when the light changes to green, he drives off. INT. CAB Rath circles the area, turning up the cab's CB. A couple of CALLS CRACKLE through the speaker, before he hears what he's waiting for; an airport fare in this area. At the intersection of Adams and Nine. He picks up the mike. RATH This is 1242. I got it. EXT. ADAMS AND NINE It is a deserted intersection. The buildings are dark and some of the street lights are out. The cab sits by itself, ENGINE RUNNING, its taillights glowing through the exhaust. INT. CAB Rath holds his gun cocked beneath his coat. His other hand grips the door handle. As he waits, watching the intersection, he notices the cabby's ID pinned to the dashboard. Leaving the gun in his jacket, he reaches for the ID card. He rips it from the dash and as he drops it under the seat, the door behind him opens. Someone gets in and closes the door. Rath peers into the rearview mirror. It is Bain. For the first time we realize that the front and back of the cab is separated by an inch of bullet proof glass. There is an awkward silence as Rath sits, unsure. Bain looks at him. BAIN Is there a problem? RATH No. No problem. The airport, right? BAIN Right. The cab pulls out of the intersection. INT. CAB Rath studies Bain. There is a thin line of blood down his temple. Bain is oblivious to it and pulls out his Gameboy, resuming his game of Tetris. RATH How'd you cut yourself? Their voices are distorted through the small electric amplifier set in the bullet proof glass near the metal money exchanger. Bain touches the blood on his forehead, looking at it a bit surprised. BAIN Oh? Working. A little accident. He wipes it off as best he can. RATH You a waiter? You look like a waiter. Bain is uninterested. BAIN Yeah. Yeah, I'm a waiter. RATH Where?

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Assassins Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS "Assassins", early draft, by Larry & Andy Wachowski ASSASSINS Written by Larry and Andy Wachowski August 12, 1994 FADE IN: PERFECT SQUARE OF BLACK We know that we are looking at something because its polished surface shimmers with light. PULLING BACK, other squares are revealed; the black and white tiles of a chess board. The board rises and spins, slipping beneath us we find ourselves MOVING ACROSS the board, MOVING THROUGH a chess game. The pieces are everywhere, checking and covering other pieces. It has reached that critical moment when pieces are traded and the board begins to clear as two strategies unravel towards a final outcome. Standing above the pieces around him, we see the black king. We MOVE CLOSER TOWARDS his face, CLOSER TO his chiseled ebony features, CLOSER UNTIL we are staring into his cold black eyes... DISSOLVE TO: EXT. MARSH - SUNGLASSES - DUSK The red setting sun is reflected in the black lens. Two men are tromping through the calf-deep mud of an end- less marsh. It is fall, the first frost not far away and the foliage is brown and bare. With the red-orange ball of fire melting into the horizon, the two men at first appear as only silhouettes or shadows slogging through the mire. The man with the sunglasses walks behind the other man. He is very well-dressed in a dark suit. A .22 caliber gun, fitted with a long silencer, dangles from his hand. His name is ROBERT RATH. The other man is WILLIE KETCHAM. He is also wearing a very expensive suit though it is being destroyed by the brambles and mud. As he lifts his foot his Gucci shoe is sucked off by the mud. KETCHAM Aw-shit! He balances on one leg, holding his silk-socked foot in the air. He looks at the shoe, already filling with mud. He looks at Rath. KETCHAM How much farther? RATH Just a little ways. Up to those trees. About a half mile further into the thickening marsh there is a small cluster of trees. KETCHAM Oh, fuck it. He pulls his sock off and plunges his foot into the mud. He smiles. It feels good. He hurls the sock. Lifting his other foot he pulls his shoe off and hurls that. He grabs for the other sock, struggling to get it off, laughing at himself as he slips and falls into the mud. Rath waits, a faint smile. He manages to get the sock off and then stands digging both feet into the dark, wet earth. KETCHAM Hey, this feels kinda good. They move on, Ketcham almost playing, sinking his feet deep pulling them out to make a SPLURCHING, SUCKING NOISE. KETCHAM Hey, do you mind if I talk a little? I feel like, I don't know, talking I guess. RATH Sure. KETCHAM Funny, I've never been a talker. My wife was always getting on me about that. 'Say what you feel, tell me what's bothering you, you ve got to talk to me.' I never would though. Not really. RATH Why not? KETCHAM I don't know. Part of me wanted to but part of me always said, 'What's she going to be able to do?' I don't know. Maybe I didn't trust her. He picks up a handful of mud and begins shaping it like a snowball. KETCHAM My Margaret... I loved her but you know what? I cheated on her. All the time. I don't even know why. It wasn't the sex, Margaret was great in bed. I think if I wasn't married I wouldn't have even looked at some of those women. I knew she couldn't trust me, so how could I trust her? If she was here right now I'd think that I would tell her that I was sorry... 'course, if she were here right now, maybe I wouldn't feel like talking. He throws the mud ball at the grove of trees but they are too far. KETCHAM I think I've heard of you. RATH It's possible. KETCHAM You're pretty famous aren't you? RATH I hope not. KETCHAM I know this may seem like a strange question, but can I ask you how much the contract was for -- not to insult you or anything, I know you're a professional, but just for me, I was just wondering. RATH It's a common question. KETCHAM Oh yeah? I guess we still need to see that price tag. Like art, right? You hang some painting that looks like baby-puke in your living room only if it costs a bundle. RATH A dime. KETCHAM One hundred thousand? That's it? Jesus... Is that a lot? RATH Average. KETCHAM Shit... oh well. Ketcham laughs. KETCHAM I have been thinking about this for a long while. I knew this day was coming. I knew someday someone would make the call on me. I never thought about anyone that I had whacked. What do you call it anyway? RATH Taken. KETCHAM 'Taken.' That's nice. When I had someone taken I would call our General Contractor, transfer the money and as soon as I hung up the phone I forgot about them. RATH Everyone who plays the game knows the rules. KETCHAM That's exactly what I told myself. Ketcham laughs again. He is getting kind of giggly, like he's high. KETCHAM I always wondered what I'd be thinking at this exact moment. I imagined that I would be thinking about the fucker who contracted this, trying to figure out who it was... Something occurs to him and he looks back at Rath. RATH Don't know. That's how it works. KETCHAM That's what our General Contractor told us but how can you trust someone like that? RATH Right. KETCHAM I thought that I would be thinking about Margaret, or work, or that I'd be having these deep, profound and depressing thoughts but I'm not. I'm trying to think really profound thoughts, but I can't. It seems very funny to me. RATH What are you thinking about? KETCHAM I'm thinking about Moonpies. Ain't that funny? I haven't had a Moonpie since I was ten years old. Right now, I'm thinking how much I'd love one. RATH And an R.C. He's 'laughing' and Rath laughs with him. Ketcham suddenly stops laughing. They are nearly to the cluster of trees. KETCHAM Can I ask you something? RATH Go ahead. KETCHAM What do other guys do? He looks at the trees, his voice dying in the WIND. RATH Everyone handles it differently. Some are ready, some are not. KETCHAM Do they get down on their knees, begging and crying? RATH Some. KETCHAM When I thought about this, that was always there, in the back of my head, that image of me on my knees, crying. It wouldn't go away and it would really upset me. It was something that I could never get away from... but now, I feel it's okay. I feel good. RATH Can I ask you a question? KETCHAM Anything. RATH Why didn't you fade? KETCHAM You mean quit? RATH Yeah. KETCHAM I used to think about it. I had Margaret. She wanted kids. I thought about moving somewhere far away like, Europe. I could see all of that, the first part, the getting away but I couldn't see that next part. 'Then what?' So I'd stop thinking about it and go back to work. You understand? RATH Yeah. Ketcham smiles and looks around at the grove of birch trees. KETCHAM I always pictured that I would end in some land fill, under someone else's garbage. I kept picturing those plastic diapers filled with some baby's green shit, covering me. But this is nice... He looks at the sun, bloody red seeping into the black horizon. KETCHAM Look at that. I haven't watched the sun set in a million years. Do you mind? RATH No. Ketcham stares at the last of the light. KETCHAM Nice... real nice. With his face hidden from Rath he begins to cry. Rath watches Ketcham staring at the setting sun. Rath looks down at the gun limply held in his hand. When the sun is gone, a red glow at the bottom of a dark- ening sky, we hear the GUN, SILENCED, ONCE, then the BODY FALLING INTO THE MUD. After a beat we hear TWO MORE SHOTS. Ketcham is lying face down, already sinking into the mud, a red cloud mushrooming around his head like the red haze left by the dying sun. Rath breathes in deep and lets the air out slowly, stand- ing alone in the middle of nowhere. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT The room is dark and still. A man is standing at a wall of windows that glow from the amber wash of urban light. Snow is falling, heavy white flakes glittering in the city's electric night. The man finishes his bourbon, ICE CLINKING in the empty glass. He is slightly drunk and he sways forward until his forehead rests against the window. In the dim light, we recognize the man as Rath. Outside there is a beautiful stone church decorated for Christmas. He watches the snowflakes drift to the distant street below. He is wondering what it would feel like to let himself fall, when there is a KNOCK at the door. Crossing the room, he opens the door. Backlit by the bright hallway light is a WOMAN. She has already removed her coat and though she is only a silhouette we can see that her dress is very short and very tight. ESCORT (WOMAN) Hi. Did you call -- RATH Yes. Please come in. Her HIGH HEELS TAP against the tile foyer as she enters and he takes her coat. ESCORT Goodness, it's so dark... She reaches for the wall switch but he stops her. RATH I prefer it like this. ESCORT How can a beautiful man like you be shy? He smiles. RATH I prefer it, that's all. She moves closer to him, the sexual confidence of her body radiating like heat. ESCORT It's okay, honey. We can do it anyway you want. Rath is obviously uncomfortable. RATH Would you like a drink? ESCORT I'd love one. Whatever you're having. They move into the room, from a distance, as featureless as two shadows. She stands at the windows watching the snow-bubble of a city night. ESCORT Beautiful. He hands her the drink. Her smile is bright and perfect. ESCORT Good will towards men. Their glasses clink as he drains half his drink. If she drinks at all, we can not tell. RATH Why are you working today? ESCORT Holidays are our busiest days. No one likes to be alone on holidays. I know I don't. She touches his face, the caress and her expression of tenderness seemingly genuine. RATH You're very good at this aren't you? ESCORT I think you're supposed to answer that question. Her hand slides down his chest, but before it goes any farther Rath turns away, returning to the bar. RATH I know what you expect, but I don't want... He pours himself another drink. ESCORT That's okay, hon, I always expect the unexpected. RATH I called because I just want... I need to talk. She sits on the couch, her body language changing, as she becomes a listener. RATH I've been thinking about my life, about things I have done... What I do for a living is in some ways similiar to what you do. He sits on the other end of the couch, his words thickened by the alcohol. RATH I know that everything has a price. I want you to understand that I'm willing to pay. He takes out an envelope and puts it between them. She picks it up, glancing inside at a stack of hundred dollar bills. ESCORT For what? RATH Honesty. She puts the envelope down. RATH I just want to ask you some questions. Uncomfortable, she waits as he searches his drink for the right words. RATH Do you ever regret things you've done? ESCORT Everyone regrets something. RATH But when you finLsh a job, afterwards do you think about them? ESCORT Sometimes. RATH Do you think about their wives or their families? ESCORT No. They call me, I don't call them. If they didn't call I wouldn't exist. Rath nods. His next question is barely audible. RATH Do you ever think about starting over? ESCORT All the time. RATH Can you tell me about it? For the first time we really see her take a drink. She closes her eyes. ESCORT Sometimes I dream that I meet a man, this good, honest man and we fall in love. I imagine us living on a boat, reading books, sailing to places where no one knows who we were or cares what we did. She opens her eyes and looks at him. RATH And what if you never meet that man? She smiles. ESCORT Then, I'll sail alone. RATH Do you believe that? ESCORT Are you asking me if I believe in another life? Rath nods. ESCORT I have to. She finishes her drink. ESCORT Is that all you want? RATH Yes. She picks up the money and stands. RATH Thank you. ESCORT Anytime. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT It is the same room but now it is very cluttered, room service trays and empty liquor bottles tossed about. He has been here for a while. He is sitting at the table, staring intensely at a chess game; we see the board and all of the pieces set in the same positions as in the opening sequence. He rubs at the whiskers that have darkened his face and then finishes off another bottle of bourbon. He flings the empty bottle across the room as he reaches over the board and moves one of white knights, taking a black rook. A sequence begins, obvious, and he works through it moving both the black and white pieces. Suddenly he stops. He gets up and shifts to the other side of the board, studying the game from white's perspective. Another sequence emerges and he trades the pieces through it as he moves around the table, returning to his place behind the black king. The games reaches its end as black is check-mated. He slumps down onto the table and looks across at the white king. RATH Fuck you, Nick. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAWN Rath is at a desk where he has set up his computer office; a cellular phone is plugged into a modem with cables winding through a scrambler and then into a fax machine and the latest high-powered lap-top computer. On the table near the desk, we see the .22, dismantled and cleaned, spread out on a white towel. He types in a complicated access code sequence, then waits, staring at the blank screen. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Where have you been, Robert? RATH/SCREEN Sick. The flu. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I don't believe you. RATH I don't give a fuck -- RATH/SCREEN It's true. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I have been sitting on a contract from Cleveland for six days because of you. RATH Fuck you, fuck Cleveland, and fuck your contracts -- RATH/SCREEN I need a rest. CONTRACTOR/ SCREEN That's impossible, Robert. You're at the top of your field. These are the best contracts. To stop now would be self-destructive. He looks away from the screen and sees the chess game on the table. RATH/SCREEN Send the file. I'll have the estimate tonight. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I'm worried about you, Robert. RATH You fucking should be -- RATH/SCREEN Don't be. On the screen the word "Transmitting" appears. Rath slowly gets out of his chair. The FAX MACHINE CLICKS and HUXS to life as a photograph of a smiling, old Italian man curls onto the desk. Rath begins destroying the hotel room, smashing anything he can get his hands on. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAY Rath is in the middle of the room which he has demolished. Having showered and shaved, he is now standing naked, in the midst of the rubble, practicing the slow and graceful art of Tai Chi. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is working at the desk. He is tallying numbers, materials, totaling his estimate. Spread out over the table are several faxed photos of the old Italian, Leevio Valli, usually surrounded by bodyguards. The file details Valli's life and his daily routine. It includes: phone bills, credit card and bank account statements, driver license and vehicle registration, the real estate listing of his house and even a copy of his income tax return. Satisfied with his figures, Rath plugs the phone into the modem and makes a call. The network comes on-line as the General Contractor types: CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You're too late, Robert. Rath types. RATH/SCREEN What? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN The contract was stolen. Rath stares at the screen. RATH/SCREEN Who? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN A new player. He's using the name Nicholai. The name hits Rath and he sits, unable to breathe. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You know what must be done. The screen goes black as the network shuts down. Rath looks down at the pile of assembled facts. He lifts a credit card bill on which the name of a restaurant appears every Friday. The name of the restaurant has been circled in red pen by Rath: "Trattoria Roma." EXT. TRATTORIA ROMA - NIGHT A red awning spans the entrance of a popular Italian restaurant. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA It is a large establishment with many tables and booths. The dinner crowd is a mix of yuppies and older Italian families who have been eating here for years. Rath is sitting alone at a booth. With very subtle changes to his appearance, he looks like an older Italian. In front of him is a glass and a carafe of dark red wine. He touches neither of them. His eyes shift as he studies the room. LEEVIO VALLI pushes into the restaurant surrounded by five gorillas in Italian suits. The owner hurries to greet them, hugging, kissing, speaking only Italian. The entourage moves through the restaurant to the over- sized booth in the back. Rath does not look twice at them. Immediately he is watching everyone else, looking for the other assassin. Leevio slides into the booth as his goons stand and sit around the table, obscuring him from all parts of the room. A wine steward immediately brings a bottle of red wine and fills their glasses. A pretty waitress sets a steaming loaf of garlic bread out and a giant bowl of minestrone in front of Leevio. He tells her something and she giggles. They joke in Italian, watching her ass as she wiggles back to the kitchen. At Leevio's table the wine steward returns to fill their glasses. It is the goon standing against the wall that is the first to realize that it is not the same wine steward. He is the second assassin, much younger than Rath. His name is BAIN. He smiles. The goon reaches for his gun as -- Bain SHATTERS the BOTTLE of wine into his face. He screams. Leevio coughs a spray of minestrone, as a GUN flashes free from the white linen towel hung over the steward's arm. It happens instantly. FOUR SHOTS and the goons are dead. Leevio screams. LEEVIO Don't! A FIFTH, SIXTH and SEVENTH SHOT. Leevio's body falls forward and softly thuds on the table. Bain whips around drawing a small SEMI-AUTOMATIC WEAPON from his belt expecting an attack. Facing the screaming crowd, he begins to SHOOT anyone who moves or stands, men or women. There is chaos in the restaurant. People scream, falling to the ground, scrambling under tables. Bain is sweating, his eyes shifting wildly from one end of the room to the other. The restaurant falls quiet except for several people who are sobbing. He moves through the room, watching, searching. BAIN Don't anybody move. You move, you're dead. He passes the table Rath was sitting at, but it is empty. BAIN Come on, you chicken shit motherfucker. I know you're here. Let's go. EXT. CONCRETE PARKING GARAGE Across the street from Trattoria Roma, Rath jacks together a German assault rifle with night scope. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain looks out the window at the dark street. He turns and searches through the people huddled on the floor. He aims his gun. BAIN You! Get up! A quivering wine steward stands. He points to another. BAIN You, too! Up! EXT. PARKING GARAGE THROUGH the NIGHT SCOPE we see the front door to the restaurant open and a group of wine stewards clumped together slowly back out. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain is second from the end, both guns aimed at the stewards. One of them begins to cry. BAIN Not yet. Don't move or you're fucking dead. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath moves the scope back and forth, unable to pick out the assassin. RATH Shit. Just do them all. All of them. Shit. He can't pull the trigger. EXT. TRATTORIA STOREFRONT The group moves toward the street. BAIN Now run! Like dogs out of the gate, they bolt. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as they scatter, finding Bain in his scope. EXT. STREET A chunk of BRICK EXPLODES from the wall just behind Bain's head as he drops behind the row of parked cars along the curb. He laughs. We get the idea that Bain is enjoying this. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath looks over his scope, talking to himself. He is sweating. RATH Shit. What are you doing, old man? You're too fucking slow. He looks back into the scope and begins scanning the line of cars. RATH Okay. Which one? Which one is yours? EXT. CITY STREET Bain is crawling alongside the tightly parked cars, staying low and out of sight. He works his way up to a black Mercedes that is parked illegally next to a fire hydrant and takes out his keys. He hits the remote unlocking the doors. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath finds the fire hydrant in his scope, almost obscured by the parked Mercedes. RATH Amateur. He takes aim. EXT. CITY STREET Just as Bain starts to open the door, the front TIRE EXPLODES. Another second, the back TIRE EXPLODES. BAIN Fuck! INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath waits, steely calm, his finger on the trigger. RATH Your move. EXT. CITY STREET Bain hears the growing wail of POLICE SIRENS. Thinking for a moment, he opens the car door and pulls a long handled switchblade and a roll of electrician's tape from the glove compartment. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath sees the car light go on, but can't make out what Bain is doing. The SIRENS are GETTING LOUDER. There's a lot of them. EXT. CITY STREET Bain finishes taping the knife to his forearm and rolls his shirt sleeve down. From his pocket he takes out a Gameboy and begins playing "Tetris." INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as the police cars come racing down the street. EXT. CITY STREET The CARS SCREECH to a halt in front of the restaurant. The COPS jump out, drawing their weapons. Bain throws his guns down, raising his hands in the air. BAIN Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I give up! More CARS come SCREECHING up as the two officers hold their beads on Bain. COP Hit the ground! Face down! Spread your legs! Bain follows the orders as the second cop edges up to him, frisking him. In this position the Cop is unable to find the knife strapped to Bain's forearm, but finds the Gameboy. BAIN Hey, don't touch that! COP Shut up! The Cop twists Bain's arms behind his back, handcuffing him tightly. They drag him to his feet, a swarm of police and paramedics in the street. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath holds them in his cross hairs as they move to the police car, but is unable to get a clean shot. Bain is using the cops for cover, keeping his head low. RATH Son of a bitch. The Cops shove Bain into the back seat. Rath very quickly walks to his car, tossing his gun into the trunk. He gets in and STARTS the ENGINE. INT. PATROL CAR The two Officers are outside the car talking with the sergeant. Bain, laying low beneath the windows, peeks up at the shadowy parking garage. He smiles. The two Policemen get in the car, the second picking up the radio. The driver GUNS the ENGINE and the black and white RUMBLES down the street. COP #2 This is 181, returning with suspect involved in multiple shooting at Trattoria Roma. Repeat, en route with suspect. He hangs up the radio and looks back at Bain through the metal caging. COP #2 Jesus Christ, do you know who you shot in there? Bain almost laughs. COP #2 What are you? Some kind of a hitman? Bain looks out the window. COP #2 You know what we call guys like you? Bain looks at him. COP #2 Sizzle lean. They're gonna fry your ass. He laughs at his own joke, looking at his partner, who chuckles. EXT. CITY STREET Rath's car races down the street trying to catch up with the patrol car. INT. PATROL CAR Bain stares out the window, silent. Behind his back, he takes hold of his left thumb with his right hand. The Cop is playing with the Gameboy. With a quick jerk, he yanks the thumb out of its socket. His expression remains perfectly blank. The thumb hangs unnaturally from the hand. The skin stretches strangely as he pulls the metal cuff from his wrist. The Cop turns as the SWITCHBLADE CLICKS and Bain sticks the knife through the wire mesh, into the cop's eye. A font of blood arcs onto the windshield. Grabbing hold of the driver's shirt collar, Bain jabs the blade into the back of his neck. The driver screams trying to pull free of Bain's grip. He slams on the brakes, groping for his gun and the CAR SKIDS out of control. Bain stabs the Cop again, his GUN FIRING WILDLY as -- The patrol car starts to flip and roll. INT. RATH'S CAR Rath turns as he hears an EXPLOSION, several blocks away. The TIRES SQUEAL as he makes a hard right. EXT. STREET Orange flames lick up from the belly of the overturned patrol car. Oil black clouds billow into the night sky. Rath's car cruises past. Rath sees the back seat window shattered, kicked out. Bain is gone. RATH I'm not done yet. EXT. CITY STREET INTERSECTION A brand new cab is sitting at a red light. The cabby looks into the rearview mirror, as a pair of headlights roll up behind him. The car gets closer, the lights brighter; they don't stop. He shrieks as the CAR SMASHES INTO HIS, TEARING OFF HIS BUMPER. The cabby jumps out, rattling off a string of obscenities. Rath gets out of the white car, starting to apologize, as the cabby moves toward him. When he's close enough, Rath decks him, knocking him unconscious. He picks him up and puts him in the white car. Rath then gets in the cab and when the light changes to green, he drives off. INT. CAB Rath circles the area, turning up the cab's CB. A couple of CALLS CRACKLE through the speaker, before he hears what he's waiting for; an airport fare in this area. At the intersection of Adams and Nine. He picks up the mike. RATH This is 1242. I got it. EXT. ADAMS AND NINE It is a deserted intersection. The buildings are dark and some of the street lights are out. The cab sits by itself, ENGINE RUNNING, its taillights glowing through the exhaust. INT. CAB Rath holds his gun cocked beneath his coat. His other hand grips the door handle. As he waits, watching the intersection, he notices the cabby's ID pinned to the dashboard. Leaving the gun in his jacket, he reaches for the ID card. He rips it from the dash and as he drops it under the seat, the door behind him opens. Someone gets in and closes the door. Rath peers into the rearview mirror. It is Bain. For the first time we realize that the front and back of the cab is separated by an inch of bullet proof glass. There is an awkward silence as Rath sits, unsure. Bain looks at him. BAIN Is there a problem? RATH No. No problem. The airport, right? BAIN Right. The cab pulls out of the intersection. INT. CAB Rath studies Bain. There is a thin line of blood down his temple. Bain is oblivious to it and pulls out his Gameboy, resuming his game of Tetris. RATH How'd you cut yourself? Their voices are distorted through the small electric amplifier set in the bullet proof glass near the metal money exchanger. Bain touches the blood on his forehead, looking at it a bit surprised. BAIN Oh? Working. A little accident. He wipes it off as best he can. RATH You a waiter? You look like a waiter. Bain is uninterested. BAIN Yeah. Yeah, I'm a waiter. RATH Where?

grove

How many times the word 'grove' appears in the text?

Assassins Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS "Assassins", early draft, by Larry & Andy Wachowski ASSASSINS Written by Larry and Andy Wachowski August 12, 1994 FADE IN: PERFECT SQUARE OF BLACK We know that we are looking at something because its polished surface shimmers with light. PULLING BACK, other squares are revealed; the black and white tiles of a chess board. The board rises and spins, slipping beneath us we find ourselves MOVING ACROSS the board, MOVING THROUGH a chess game. The pieces are everywhere, checking and covering other pieces. It has reached that critical moment when pieces are traded and the board begins to clear as two strategies unravel towards a final outcome. Standing above the pieces around him, we see the black king. We MOVE CLOSER TOWARDS his face, CLOSER TO his chiseled ebony features, CLOSER UNTIL we are staring into his cold black eyes... DISSOLVE TO: EXT. MARSH - SUNGLASSES - DUSK The red setting sun is reflected in the black lens. Two men are tromping through the calf-deep mud of an end- less marsh. It is fall, the first frost not far away and the foliage is brown and bare. With the red-orange ball of fire melting into the horizon, the two men at first appear as only silhouettes or shadows slogging through the mire. The man with the sunglasses walks behind the other man. He is very well-dressed in a dark suit. A .22 caliber gun, fitted with a long silencer, dangles from his hand. His name is ROBERT RATH. The other man is WILLIE KETCHAM. He is also wearing a very expensive suit though it is being destroyed by the brambles and mud. As he lifts his foot his Gucci shoe is sucked off by the mud. KETCHAM Aw-shit! He balances on one leg, holding his silk-socked foot in the air. He looks at the shoe, already filling with mud. He looks at Rath. KETCHAM How much farther? RATH Just a little ways. Up to those trees. About a half mile further into the thickening marsh there is a small cluster of trees. KETCHAM Oh, fuck it. He pulls his sock off and plunges his foot into the mud. He smiles. It feels good. He hurls the sock. Lifting his other foot he pulls his shoe off and hurls that. He grabs for the other sock, struggling to get it off, laughing at himself as he slips and falls into the mud. Rath waits, a faint smile. He manages to get the sock off and then stands digging both feet into the dark, wet earth. KETCHAM Hey, this feels kinda good. They move on, Ketcham almost playing, sinking his feet deep pulling them out to make a SPLURCHING, SUCKING NOISE. KETCHAM Hey, do you mind if I talk a little? I feel like, I don't know, talking I guess. RATH Sure. KETCHAM Funny, I've never been a talker. My wife was always getting on me about that. 'Say what you feel, tell me what's bothering you, you ve got to talk to me.' I never would though. Not really. RATH Why not? KETCHAM I don't know. Part of me wanted to but part of me always said, 'What's she going to be able to do?' I don't know. Maybe I didn't trust her. He picks up a handful of mud and begins shaping it like a snowball. KETCHAM My Margaret... I loved her but you know what? I cheated on her. All the time. I don't even know why. It wasn't the sex, Margaret was great in bed. I think if I wasn't married I wouldn't have even looked at some of those women. I knew she couldn't trust me, so how could I trust her? If she was here right now I'd think that I would tell her that I was sorry... 'course, if she were here right now, maybe I wouldn't feel like talking. He throws the mud ball at the grove of trees but they are too far. KETCHAM I think I've heard of you. RATH It's possible. KETCHAM You're pretty famous aren't you? RATH I hope not. KETCHAM I know this may seem like a strange question, but can I ask you how much the contract was for -- not to insult you or anything, I know you're a professional, but just for me, I was just wondering. RATH It's a common question. KETCHAM Oh yeah? I guess we still need to see that price tag. Like art, right? You hang some painting that looks like baby-puke in your living room only if it costs a bundle. RATH A dime. KETCHAM One hundred thousand? That's it? Jesus... Is that a lot? RATH Average. KETCHAM Shit... oh well. Ketcham laughs. KETCHAM I have been thinking about this for a long while. I knew this day was coming. I knew someday someone would make the call on me. I never thought about anyone that I had whacked. What do you call it anyway? RATH Taken. KETCHAM 'Taken.' That's nice. When I had someone taken I would call our General Contractor, transfer the money and as soon as I hung up the phone I forgot about them. RATH Everyone who plays the game knows the rules. KETCHAM That's exactly what I told myself. Ketcham laughs again. He is getting kind of giggly, like he's high. KETCHAM I always wondered what I'd be thinking at this exact moment. I imagined that I would be thinking about the fucker who contracted this, trying to figure out who it was... Something occurs to him and he looks back at Rath. RATH Don't know. That's how it works. KETCHAM That's what our General Contractor told us but how can you trust someone like that? RATH Right. KETCHAM I thought that I would be thinking about Margaret, or work, or that I'd be having these deep, profound and depressing thoughts but I'm not. I'm trying to think really profound thoughts, but I can't. It seems very funny to me. RATH What are you thinking about? KETCHAM I'm thinking about Moonpies. Ain't that funny? I haven't had a Moonpie since I was ten years old. Right now, I'm thinking how much I'd love one. RATH And an R.C. He's 'laughing' and Rath laughs with him. Ketcham suddenly stops laughing. They are nearly to the cluster of trees. KETCHAM Can I ask you something? RATH Go ahead. KETCHAM What do other guys do? He looks at the trees, his voice dying in the WIND. RATH Everyone handles it differently. Some are ready, some are not. KETCHAM Do they get down on their knees, begging and crying? RATH Some. KETCHAM When I thought about this, that was always there, in the back of my head, that image of me on my knees, crying. It wouldn't go away and it would really upset me. It was something that I could never get away from... but now, I feel it's okay. I feel good. RATH Can I ask you a question? KETCHAM Anything. RATH Why didn't you fade? KETCHAM You mean quit? RATH Yeah. KETCHAM I used to think about it. I had Margaret. She wanted kids. I thought about moving somewhere far away like, Europe. I could see all of that, the first part, the getting away but I couldn't see that next part. 'Then what?' So I'd stop thinking about it and go back to work. You understand? RATH Yeah. Ketcham smiles and looks around at the grove of birch trees. KETCHAM I always pictured that I would end in some land fill, under someone else's garbage. I kept picturing those plastic diapers filled with some baby's green shit, covering me. But this is nice... He looks at the sun, bloody red seeping into the black horizon. KETCHAM Look at that. I haven't watched the sun set in a million years. Do you mind? RATH No. Ketcham stares at the last of the light. KETCHAM Nice... real nice. With his face hidden from Rath he begins to cry. Rath watches Ketcham staring at the setting sun. Rath looks down at the gun limply held in his hand. When the sun is gone, a red glow at the bottom of a dark- ening sky, we hear the GUN, SILENCED, ONCE, then the BODY FALLING INTO THE MUD. After a beat we hear TWO MORE SHOTS. Ketcham is lying face down, already sinking into the mud, a red cloud mushrooming around his head like the red haze left by the dying sun. Rath breathes in deep and lets the air out slowly, stand- ing alone in the middle of nowhere. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT The room is dark and still. A man is standing at a wall of windows that glow from the amber wash of urban light. Snow is falling, heavy white flakes glittering in the city's electric night. The man finishes his bourbon, ICE CLINKING in the empty glass. He is slightly drunk and he sways forward until his forehead rests against the window. In the dim light, we recognize the man as Rath. Outside there is a beautiful stone church decorated for Christmas. He watches the snowflakes drift to the distant street below. He is wondering what it would feel like to let himself fall, when there is a KNOCK at the door. Crossing the room, he opens the door. Backlit by the bright hallway light is a WOMAN. She has already removed her coat and though she is only a silhouette we can see that her dress is very short and very tight. ESCORT (WOMAN) Hi. Did you call -- RATH Yes. Please come in. Her HIGH HEELS TAP against the tile foyer as she enters and he takes her coat. ESCORT Goodness, it's so dark... She reaches for the wall switch but he stops her. RATH I prefer it like this. ESCORT How can a beautiful man like you be shy? He smiles. RATH I prefer it, that's all. She moves closer to him, the sexual confidence of her body radiating like heat. ESCORT It's okay, honey. We can do it anyway you want. Rath is obviously uncomfortable. RATH Would you like a drink? ESCORT I'd love one. Whatever you're having. They move into the room, from a distance, as featureless as two shadows. She stands at the windows watching the snow-bubble of a city night. ESCORT Beautiful. He hands her the drink. Her smile is bright and perfect. ESCORT Good will towards men. Their glasses clink as he drains half his drink. If she drinks at all, we can not tell. RATH Why are you working today? ESCORT Holidays are our busiest days. No one likes to be alone on holidays. I know I don't. She touches his face, the caress and her expression of tenderness seemingly genuine. RATH You're very good at this aren't you? ESCORT I think you're supposed to answer that question. Her hand slides down his chest, but before it goes any farther Rath turns away, returning to the bar. RATH I know what you expect, but I don't want... He pours himself another drink. ESCORT That's okay, hon, I always expect the unexpected. RATH I called because I just want... I need to talk. She sits on the couch, her body language changing, as she becomes a listener. RATH I've been thinking about my life, about things I have done... What I do for a living is in some ways similiar to what you do. He sits on the other end of the couch, his words thickened by the alcohol. RATH I know that everything has a price. I want you to understand that I'm willing to pay. He takes out an envelope and puts it between them. She picks it up, glancing inside at a stack of hundred dollar bills. ESCORT For what? RATH Honesty. She puts the envelope down. RATH I just want to ask you some questions. Uncomfortable, she waits as he searches his drink for the right words. RATH Do you ever regret things you've done? ESCORT Everyone regrets something. RATH But when you finLsh a job, afterwards do you think about them? ESCORT Sometimes. RATH Do you think about their wives or their families? ESCORT No. They call me, I don't call them. If they didn't call I wouldn't exist. Rath nods. His next question is barely audible. RATH Do you ever think about starting over? ESCORT All the time. RATH Can you tell me about it? For the first time we really see her take a drink. She closes her eyes. ESCORT Sometimes I dream that I meet a man, this good, honest man and we fall in love. I imagine us living on a boat, reading books, sailing to places where no one knows who we were or cares what we did. She opens her eyes and looks at him. RATH And what if you never meet that man? She smiles. ESCORT Then, I'll sail alone. RATH Do you believe that? ESCORT Are you asking me if I believe in another life? Rath nods. ESCORT I have to. She finishes her drink. ESCORT Is that all you want? RATH Yes. She picks up the money and stands. RATH Thank you. ESCORT Anytime. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT It is the same room but now it is very cluttered, room service trays and empty liquor bottles tossed about. He has been here for a while. He is sitting at the table, staring intensely at a chess game; we see the board and all of the pieces set in the same positions as in the opening sequence. He rubs at the whiskers that have darkened his face and then finishes off another bottle of bourbon. He flings the empty bottle across the room as he reaches over the board and moves one of white knights, taking a black rook. A sequence begins, obvious, and he works through it moving both the black and white pieces. Suddenly he stops. He gets up and shifts to the other side of the board, studying the game from white's perspective. Another sequence emerges and he trades the pieces through it as he moves around the table, returning to his place behind the black king. The games reaches its end as black is check-mated. He slumps down onto the table and looks across at the white king. RATH Fuck you, Nick. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAWN Rath is at a desk where he has set up his computer office; a cellular phone is plugged into a modem with cables winding through a scrambler and then into a fax machine and the latest high-powered lap-top computer. On the table near the desk, we see the .22, dismantled and cleaned, spread out on a white towel. He types in a complicated access code sequence, then waits, staring at the blank screen. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Where have you been, Robert? RATH/SCREEN Sick. The flu. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I don't believe you. RATH I don't give a fuck -- RATH/SCREEN It's true. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I have been sitting on a contract from Cleveland for six days because of you. RATH Fuck you, fuck Cleveland, and fuck your contracts -- RATH/SCREEN I need a rest. CONTRACTOR/ SCREEN That's impossible, Robert. You're at the top of your field. These are the best contracts. To stop now would be self-destructive. He looks away from the screen and sees the chess game on the table. RATH/SCREEN Send the file. I'll have the estimate tonight. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I'm worried about you, Robert. RATH You fucking should be -- RATH/SCREEN Don't be. On the screen the word "Transmitting" appears. Rath slowly gets out of his chair. The FAX MACHINE CLICKS and HUXS to life as a photograph of a smiling, old Italian man curls onto the desk. Rath begins destroying the hotel room, smashing anything he can get his hands on. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAY Rath is in the middle of the room which he has demolished. Having showered and shaved, he is now standing naked, in the midst of the rubble, practicing the slow and graceful art of Tai Chi. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is working at the desk. He is tallying numbers, materials, totaling his estimate. Spread out over the table are several faxed photos of the old Italian, Leevio Valli, usually surrounded by bodyguards. The file details Valli's life and his daily routine. It includes: phone bills, credit card and bank account statements, driver license and vehicle registration, the real estate listing of his house and even a copy of his income tax return. Satisfied with his figures, Rath plugs the phone into the modem and makes a call. The network comes on-line as the General Contractor types: CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You're too late, Robert. Rath types. RATH/SCREEN What? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN The contract was stolen. Rath stares at the screen. RATH/SCREEN Who? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN A new player. He's using the name Nicholai. The name hits Rath and he sits, unable to breathe. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You know what must be done. The screen goes black as the network shuts down. Rath looks down at the pile of assembled facts. He lifts a credit card bill on which the name of a restaurant appears every Friday. The name of the restaurant has been circled in red pen by Rath: "Trattoria Roma." EXT. TRATTORIA ROMA - NIGHT A red awning spans the entrance of a popular Italian restaurant. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA It is a large establishment with many tables and booths. The dinner crowd is a mix of yuppies and older Italian families who have been eating here for years. Rath is sitting alone at a booth. With very subtle changes to his appearance, he looks like an older Italian. In front of him is a glass and a carafe of dark red wine. He touches neither of them. His eyes shift as he studies the room. LEEVIO VALLI pushes into the restaurant surrounded by five gorillas in Italian suits. The owner hurries to greet them, hugging, kissing, speaking only Italian. The entourage moves through the restaurant to the over- sized booth in the back. Rath does not look twice at them. Immediately he is watching everyone else, looking for the other assassin. Leevio slides into the booth as his goons stand and sit around the table, obscuring him from all parts of the room. A wine steward immediately brings a bottle of red wine and fills their glasses. A pretty waitress sets a steaming loaf of garlic bread out and a giant bowl of minestrone in front of Leevio. He tells her something and she giggles. They joke in Italian, watching her ass as she wiggles back to the kitchen. At Leevio's table the wine steward returns to fill their glasses. It is the goon standing against the wall that is the first to realize that it is not the same wine steward. He is the second assassin, much younger than Rath. His name is BAIN. He smiles. The goon reaches for his gun as -- Bain SHATTERS the BOTTLE of wine into his face. He screams. Leevio coughs a spray of minestrone, as a GUN flashes free from the white linen towel hung over the steward's arm. It happens instantly. FOUR SHOTS and the goons are dead. Leevio screams. LEEVIO Don't! A FIFTH, SIXTH and SEVENTH SHOT. Leevio's body falls forward and softly thuds on the table. Bain whips around drawing a small SEMI-AUTOMATIC WEAPON from his belt expecting an attack. Facing the screaming crowd, he begins to SHOOT anyone who moves or stands, men or women. There is chaos in the restaurant. People scream, falling to the ground, scrambling under tables. Bain is sweating, his eyes shifting wildly from one end of the room to the other. The restaurant falls quiet except for several people who are sobbing. He moves through the room, watching, searching. BAIN Don't anybody move. You move, you're dead. He passes the table Rath was sitting at, but it is empty. BAIN Come on, you chicken shit motherfucker. I know you're here. Let's go. EXT. CONCRETE PARKING GARAGE Across the street from Trattoria Roma, Rath jacks together a German assault rifle with night scope. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain looks out the window at the dark street. He turns and searches through the people huddled on the floor. He aims his gun. BAIN You! Get up! A quivering wine steward stands. He points to another. BAIN You, too! Up! EXT. PARKING GARAGE THROUGH the NIGHT SCOPE we see the front door to the restaurant open and a group of wine stewards clumped together slowly back out. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain is second from the end, both guns aimed at the stewards. One of them begins to cry. BAIN Not yet. Don't move or you're fucking dead. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath moves the scope back and forth, unable to pick out the assassin. RATH Shit. Just do them all. All of them. Shit. He can't pull the trigger. EXT. TRATTORIA STOREFRONT The group moves toward the street. BAIN Now run! Like dogs out of the gate, they bolt. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as they scatter, finding Bain in his scope. EXT. STREET A chunk of BRICK EXPLODES from the wall just behind Bain's head as he drops behind the row of parked cars along the curb. He laughs. We get the idea that Bain is enjoying this. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath looks over his scope, talking to himself. He is sweating. RATH Shit. What are you doing, old man? You're too fucking slow. He looks back into the scope and begins scanning the line of cars. RATH Okay. Which one? Which one is yours? EXT. CITY STREET Bain is crawling alongside the tightly parked cars, staying low and out of sight. He works his way up to a black Mercedes that is parked illegally next to a fire hydrant and takes out his keys. He hits the remote unlocking the doors. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath finds the fire hydrant in his scope, almost obscured by the parked Mercedes. RATH Amateur. He takes aim. EXT. CITY STREET Just as Bain starts to open the door, the front TIRE EXPLODES. Another second, the back TIRE EXPLODES. BAIN Fuck! INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath waits, steely calm, his finger on the trigger. RATH Your move. EXT. CITY STREET Bain hears the growing wail of POLICE SIRENS. Thinking for a moment, he opens the car door and pulls a long handled switchblade and a roll of electrician's tape from the glove compartment. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath sees the car light go on, but can't make out what Bain is doing. The SIRENS are GETTING LOUDER. There's a lot of them. EXT. CITY STREET Bain finishes taping the knife to his forearm and rolls his shirt sleeve down. From his pocket he takes out a Gameboy and begins playing "Tetris." INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as the police cars come racing down the street. EXT. CITY STREET The CARS SCREECH to a halt in front of the restaurant. The COPS jump out, drawing their weapons. Bain throws his guns down, raising his hands in the air. BAIN Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I give up! More CARS come SCREECHING up as the two officers hold their beads on Bain. COP Hit the ground! Face down! Spread your legs! Bain follows the orders as the second cop edges up to him, frisking him. In this position the Cop is unable to find the knife strapped to Bain's forearm, but finds the Gameboy. BAIN Hey, don't touch that! COP Shut up! The Cop twists Bain's arms behind his back, handcuffing him tightly. They drag him to his feet, a swarm of police and paramedics in the street. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath holds them in his cross hairs as they move to the police car, but is unable to get a clean shot. Bain is using the cops for cover, keeping his head low. RATH Son of a bitch. The Cops shove Bain into the back seat. Rath very quickly walks to his car, tossing his gun into the trunk. He gets in and STARTS the ENGINE. INT. PATROL CAR The two Officers are outside the car talking with the sergeant. Bain, laying low beneath the windows, peeks up at the shadowy parking garage. He smiles. The two Policemen get in the car, the second picking up the radio. The driver GUNS the ENGINE and the black and white RUMBLES down the street. COP #2 This is 181, returning with suspect involved in multiple shooting at Trattoria Roma. Repeat, en route with suspect. He hangs up the radio and looks back at Bain through the metal caging. COP #2 Jesus Christ, do you know who you shot in there? Bain almost laughs. COP #2 What are you? Some kind of a hitman? Bain looks out the window. COP #2 You know what we call guys like you? Bain looks at him. COP #2 Sizzle lean. They're gonna fry your ass. He laughs at his own joke, looking at his partner, who chuckles. EXT. CITY STREET Rath's car races down the street trying to catch up with the patrol car. INT. PATROL CAR Bain stares out the window, silent. Behind his back, he takes hold of his left thumb with his right hand. The Cop is playing with the Gameboy. With a quick jerk, he yanks the thumb out of its socket. His expression remains perfectly blank. The thumb hangs unnaturally from the hand. The skin stretches strangely as he pulls the metal cuff from his wrist. The Cop turns as the SWITCHBLADE CLICKS and Bain sticks the knife through the wire mesh, into the cop's eye. A font of blood arcs onto the windshield. Grabbing hold of the driver's shirt collar, Bain jabs the blade into the back of his neck. The driver screams trying to pull free of Bain's grip. He slams on the brakes, groping for his gun and the CAR SKIDS out of control. Bain stabs the Cop again, his GUN FIRING WILDLY as -- The patrol car starts to flip and roll. INT. RATH'S CAR Rath turns as he hears an EXPLOSION, several blocks away. The TIRES SQUEAL as he makes a hard right. EXT. STREET Orange flames lick up from the belly of the overturned patrol car. Oil black clouds billow into the night sky. Rath's car cruises past. Rath sees the back seat window shattered, kicked out. Bain is gone. RATH I'm not done yet. EXT. CITY STREET INTERSECTION A brand new cab is sitting at a red light. The cabby looks into the rearview mirror, as a pair of headlights roll up behind him. The car gets closer, the lights brighter; they don't stop. He shrieks as the CAR SMASHES INTO HIS, TEARING OFF HIS BUMPER. The cabby jumps out, rattling off a string of obscenities. Rath gets out of the white car, starting to apologize, as the cabby moves toward him. When he's close enough, Rath decks him, knocking him unconscious. He picks him up and puts him in the white car. Rath then gets in the cab and when the light changes to green, he drives off. INT. CAB Rath circles the area, turning up the cab's CB. A couple of CALLS CRACKLE through the speaker, before he hears what he's waiting for; an airport fare in this area. At the intersection of Adams and Nine. He picks up the mike. RATH This is 1242. I got it. EXT. ADAMS AND NINE It is a deserted intersection. The buildings are dark and some of the street lights are out. The cab sits by itself, ENGINE RUNNING, its taillights glowing through the exhaust. INT. CAB Rath holds his gun cocked beneath his coat. His other hand grips the door handle. As he waits, watching the intersection, he notices the cabby's ID pinned to the dashboard. Leaving the gun in his jacket, he reaches for the ID card. He rips it from the dash and as he drops it under the seat, the door behind him opens. Someone gets in and closes the door. Rath peers into the rearview mirror. It is Bain. For the first time we realize that the front and back of the cab is separated by an inch of bullet proof glass. There is an awkward silence as Rath sits, unsure. Bain looks at him. BAIN Is there a problem? RATH No. No problem. The airport, right? BAIN Right. The cab pulls out of the intersection. INT. CAB Rath studies Bain. There is a thin line of blood down his temple. Bain is oblivious to it and pulls out his Gameboy, resuming his game of Tetris. RATH How'd you cut yourself? Their voices are distorted through the small electric amplifier set in the bullet proof glass near the metal money exchanger. Bain touches the blood on his forehead, looking at it a bit surprised. BAIN Oh? Working. A little accident. He wipes it off as best he can. RATH You a waiter? You look like a waiter. Bain is uninterested. BAIN Yeah. Yeah, I'm a waiter. RATH Where?

sequence

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Assassins Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS "Assassins", early draft, by Larry & Andy Wachowski ASSASSINS Written by Larry and Andy Wachowski August 12, 1994 FADE IN: PERFECT SQUARE OF BLACK We know that we are looking at something because its polished surface shimmers with light. PULLING BACK, other squares are revealed; the black and white tiles of a chess board. The board rises and spins, slipping beneath us we find ourselves MOVING ACROSS the board, MOVING THROUGH a chess game. The pieces are everywhere, checking and covering other pieces. It has reached that critical moment when pieces are traded and the board begins to clear as two strategies unravel towards a final outcome. Standing above the pieces around him, we see the black king. We MOVE CLOSER TOWARDS his face, CLOSER TO his chiseled ebony features, CLOSER UNTIL we are staring into his cold black eyes... DISSOLVE TO: EXT. MARSH - SUNGLASSES - DUSK The red setting sun is reflected in the black lens. Two men are tromping through the calf-deep mud of an end- less marsh. It is fall, the first frost not far away and the foliage is brown and bare. With the red-orange ball of fire melting into the horizon, the two men at first appear as only silhouettes or shadows slogging through the mire. The man with the sunglasses walks behind the other man. He is very well-dressed in a dark suit. A .22 caliber gun, fitted with a long silencer, dangles from his hand. His name is ROBERT RATH. The other man is WILLIE KETCHAM. He is also wearing a very expensive suit though it is being destroyed by the brambles and mud. As he lifts his foot his Gucci shoe is sucked off by the mud. KETCHAM Aw-shit! He balances on one leg, holding his silk-socked foot in the air. He looks at the shoe, already filling with mud. He looks at Rath. KETCHAM How much farther? RATH Just a little ways. Up to those trees. About a half mile further into the thickening marsh there is a small cluster of trees. KETCHAM Oh, fuck it. He pulls his sock off and plunges his foot into the mud. He smiles. It feels good. He hurls the sock. Lifting his other foot he pulls his shoe off and hurls that. He grabs for the other sock, struggling to get it off, laughing at himself as he slips and falls into the mud. Rath waits, a faint smile. He manages to get the sock off and then stands digging both feet into the dark, wet earth. KETCHAM Hey, this feels kinda good. They move on, Ketcham almost playing, sinking his feet deep pulling them out to make a SPLURCHING, SUCKING NOISE. KETCHAM Hey, do you mind if I talk a little? I feel like, I don't know, talking I guess. RATH Sure. KETCHAM Funny, I've never been a talker. My wife was always getting on me about that. 'Say what you feel, tell me what's bothering you, you ve got to talk to me.' I never would though. Not really. RATH Why not? KETCHAM I don't know. Part of me wanted to but part of me always said, 'What's she going to be able to do?' I don't know. Maybe I didn't trust her. He picks up a handful of mud and begins shaping it like a snowball. KETCHAM My Margaret... I loved her but you know what? I cheated on her. All the time. I don't even know why. It wasn't the sex, Margaret was great in bed. I think if I wasn't married I wouldn't have even looked at some of those women. I knew she couldn't trust me, so how could I trust her? If she was here right now I'd think that I would tell her that I was sorry... 'course, if she were here right now, maybe I wouldn't feel like talking. He throws the mud ball at the grove of trees but they are too far. KETCHAM I think I've heard of you. RATH It's possible. KETCHAM You're pretty famous aren't you? RATH I hope not. KETCHAM I know this may seem like a strange question, but can I ask you how much the contract was for -- not to insult you or anything, I know you're a professional, but just for me, I was just wondering. RATH It's a common question. KETCHAM Oh yeah? I guess we still need to see that price tag. Like art, right? You hang some painting that looks like baby-puke in your living room only if it costs a bundle. RATH A dime. KETCHAM One hundred thousand? That's it? Jesus... Is that a lot? RATH Average. KETCHAM Shit... oh well. Ketcham laughs. KETCHAM I have been thinking about this for a long while. I knew this day was coming. I knew someday someone would make the call on me. I never thought about anyone that I had whacked. What do you call it anyway? RATH Taken. KETCHAM 'Taken.' That's nice. When I had someone taken I would call our General Contractor, transfer the money and as soon as I hung up the phone I forgot about them. RATH Everyone who plays the game knows the rules. KETCHAM That's exactly what I told myself. Ketcham laughs again. He is getting kind of giggly, like he's high. KETCHAM I always wondered what I'd be thinking at this exact moment. I imagined that I would be thinking about the fucker who contracted this, trying to figure out who it was... Something occurs to him and he looks back at Rath. RATH Don't know. That's how it works. KETCHAM That's what our General Contractor told us but how can you trust someone like that? RATH Right. KETCHAM I thought that I would be thinking about Margaret, or work, or that I'd be having these deep, profound and depressing thoughts but I'm not. I'm trying to think really profound thoughts, but I can't. It seems very funny to me. RATH What are you thinking about? KETCHAM I'm thinking about Moonpies. Ain't that funny? I haven't had a Moonpie since I was ten years old. Right now, I'm thinking how much I'd love one. RATH And an R.C. He's 'laughing' and Rath laughs with him. Ketcham suddenly stops laughing. They are nearly to the cluster of trees. KETCHAM Can I ask you something? RATH Go ahead. KETCHAM What do other guys do? He looks at the trees, his voice dying in the WIND. RATH Everyone handles it differently. Some are ready, some are not. KETCHAM Do they get down on their knees, begging and crying? RATH Some. KETCHAM When I thought about this, that was always there, in the back of my head, that image of me on my knees, crying. It wouldn't go away and it would really upset me. It was something that I could never get away from... but now, I feel it's okay. I feel good. RATH Can I ask you a question? KETCHAM Anything. RATH Why didn't you fade? KETCHAM You mean quit? RATH Yeah. KETCHAM I used to think about it. I had Margaret. She wanted kids. I thought about moving somewhere far away like, Europe. I could see all of that, the first part, the getting away but I couldn't see that next part. 'Then what?' So I'd stop thinking about it and go back to work. You understand? RATH Yeah. Ketcham smiles and looks around at the grove of birch trees. KETCHAM I always pictured that I would end in some land fill, under someone else's garbage. I kept picturing those plastic diapers filled with some baby's green shit, covering me. But this is nice... He looks at the sun, bloody red seeping into the black horizon. KETCHAM Look at that. I haven't watched the sun set in a million years. Do you mind? RATH No. Ketcham stares at the last of the light. KETCHAM Nice... real nice. With his face hidden from Rath he begins to cry. Rath watches Ketcham staring at the setting sun. Rath looks down at the gun limply held in his hand. When the sun is gone, a red glow at the bottom of a dark- ening sky, we hear the GUN, SILENCED, ONCE, then the BODY FALLING INTO THE MUD. After a beat we hear TWO MORE SHOTS. Ketcham is lying face down, already sinking into the mud, a red cloud mushrooming around his head like the red haze left by the dying sun. Rath breathes in deep and lets the air out slowly, stand- ing alone in the middle of nowhere. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT The room is dark and still. A man is standing at a wall of windows that glow from the amber wash of urban light. Snow is falling, heavy white flakes glittering in the city's electric night. The man finishes his bourbon, ICE CLINKING in the empty glass. He is slightly drunk and he sways forward until his forehead rests against the window. In the dim light, we recognize the man as Rath. Outside there is a beautiful stone church decorated for Christmas. He watches the snowflakes drift to the distant street below. He is wondering what it would feel like to let himself fall, when there is a KNOCK at the door. Crossing the room, he opens the door. Backlit by the bright hallway light is a WOMAN. She has already removed her coat and though she is only a silhouette we can see that her dress is very short and very tight. ESCORT (WOMAN) Hi. Did you call -- RATH Yes. Please come in. Her HIGH HEELS TAP against the tile foyer as she enters and he takes her coat. ESCORT Goodness, it's so dark... She reaches for the wall switch but he stops her. RATH I prefer it like this. ESCORT How can a beautiful man like you be shy? He smiles. RATH I prefer it, that's all. She moves closer to him, the sexual confidence of her body radiating like heat. ESCORT It's okay, honey. We can do it anyway you want. Rath is obviously uncomfortable. RATH Would you like a drink? ESCORT I'd love one. Whatever you're having. They move into the room, from a distance, as featureless as two shadows. She stands at the windows watching the snow-bubble of a city night. ESCORT Beautiful. He hands her the drink. Her smile is bright and perfect. ESCORT Good will towards men. Their glasses clink as he drains half his drink. If she drinks at all, we can not tell. RATH Why are you working today? ESCORT Holidays are our busiest days. No one likes to be alone on holidays. I know I don't. She touches his face, the caress and her expression of tenderness seemingly genuine. RATH You're very good at this aren't you? ESCORT I think you're supposed to answer that question. Her hand slides down his chest, but before it goes any farther Rath turns away, returning to the bar. RATH I know what you expect, but I don't want... He pours himself another drink. ESCORT That's okay, hon, I always expect the unexpected. RATH I called because I just want... I need to talk. She sits on the couch, her body language changing, as she becomes a listener. RATH I've been thinking about my life, about things I have done... What I do for a living is in some ways similiar to what you do. He sits on the other end of the couch, his words thickened by the alcohol. RATH I know that everything has a price. I want you to understand that I'm willing to pay. He takes out an envelope and puts it between them. She picks it up, glancing inside at a stack of hundred dollar bills. ESCORT For what? RATH Honesty. She puts the envelope down. RATH I just want to ask you some questions. Uncomfortable, she waits as he searches his drink for the right words. RATH Do you ever regret things you've done? ESCORT Everyone regrets something. RATH But when you finLsh a job, afterwards do you think about them? ESCORT Sometimes. RATH Do you think about their wives or their families? ESCORT No. They call me, I don't call them. If they didn't call I wouldn't exist. Rath nods. His next question is barely audible. RATH Do you ever think about starting over? ESCORT All the time. RATH Can you tell me about it? For the first time we really see her take a drink. She closes her eyes. ESCORT Sometimes I dream that I meet a man, this good, honest man and we fall in love. I imagine us living on a boat, reading books, sailing to places where no one knows who we were or cares what we did. She opens her eyes and looks at him. RATH And what if you never meet that man? She smiles. ESCORT Then, I'll sail alone. RATH Do you believe that? ESCORT Are you asking me if I believe in another life? Rath nods. ESCORT I have to. She finishes her drink. ESCORT Is that all you want? RATH Yes. She picks up the money and stands. RATH Thank you. ESCORT Anytime. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT It is the same room but now it is very cluttered, room service trays and empty liquor bottles tossed about. He has been here for a while. He is sitting at the table, staring intensely at a chess game; we see the board and all of the pieces set in the same positions as in the opening sequence. He rubs at the whiskers that have darkened his face and then finishes off another bottle of bourbon. He flings the empty bottle across the room as he reaches over the board and moves one of white knights, taking a black rook. A sequence begins, obvious, and he works through it moving both the black and white pieces. Suddenly he stops. He gets up and shifts to the other side of the board, studying the game from white's perspective. Another sequence emerges and he trades the pieces through it as he moves around the table, returning to his place behind the black king. The games reaches its end as black is check-mated. He slumps down onto the table and looks across at the white king. RATH Fuck you, Nick. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAWN Rath is at a desk where he has set up his computer office; a cellular phone is plugged into a modem with cables winding through a scrambler and then into a fax machine and the latest high-powered lap-top computer. On the table near the desk, we see the .22, dismantled and cleaned, spread out on a white towel. He types in a complicated access code sequence, then waits, staring at the blank screen. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Where have you been, Robert? RATH/SCREEN Sick. The flu. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I don't believe you. RATH I don't give a fuck -- RATH/SCREEN It's true. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I have been sitting on a contract from Cleveland for six days because of you. RATH Fuck you, fuck Cleveland, and fuck your contracts -- RATH/SCREEN I need a rest. CONTRACTOR/ SCREEN That's impossible, Robert. You're at the top of your field. These are the best contracts. To stop now would be self-destructive. He looks away from the screen and sees the chess game on the table. RATH/SCREEN Send the file. I'll have the estimate tonight. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I'm worried about you, Robert. RATH You fucking should be -- RATH/SCREEN Don't be. On the screen the word "Transmitting" appears. Rath slowly gets out of his chair. The FAX MACHINE CLICKS and HUXS to life as a photograph of a smiling, old Italian man curls onto the desk. Rath begins destroying the hotel room, smashing anything he can get his hands on. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAY Rath is in the middle of the room which he has demolished. Having showered and shaved, he is now standing naked, in the midst of the rubble, practicing the slow and graceful art of Tai Chi. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is working at the desk. He is tallying numbers, materials, totaling his estimate. Spread out over the table are several faxed photos of the old Italian, Leevio Valli, usually surrounded by bodyguards. The file details Valli's life and his daily routine. It includes: phone bills, credit card and bank account statements, driver license and vehicle registration, the real estate listing of his house and even a copy of his income tax return. Satisfied with his figures, Rath plugs the phone into the modem and makes a call. The network comes on-line as the General Contractor types: CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You're too late, Robert. Rath types. RATH/SCREEN What? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN The contract was stolen. Rath stares at the screen. RATH/SCREEN Who? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN A new player. He's using the name Nicholai. The name hits Rath and he sits, unable to breathe. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You know what must be done. The screen goes black as the network shuts down. Rath looks down at the pile of assembled facts. He lifts a credit card bill on which the name of a restaurant appears every Friday. The name of the restaurant has been circled in red pen by Rath: "Trattoria Roma." EXT. TRATTORIA ROMA - NIGHT A red awning spans the entrance of a popular Italian restaurant. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA It is a large establishment with many tables and booths. The dinner crowd is a mix of yuppies and older Italian families who have been eating here for years. Rath is sitting alone at a booth. With very subtle changes to his appearance, he looks like an older Italian. In front of him is a glass and a carafe of dark red wine. He touches neither of them. His eyes shift as he studies the room. LEEVIO VALLI pushes into the restaurant surrounded by five gorillas in Italian suits. The owner hurries to greet them, hugging, kissing, speaking only Italian. The entourage moves through the restaurant to the over- sized booth in the back. Rath does not look twice at them. Immediately he is watching everyone else, looking for the other assassin. Leevio slides into the booth as his goons stand and sit around the table, obscuring him from all parts of the room. A wine steward immediately brings a bottle of red wine and fills their glasses. A pretty waitress sets a steaming loaf of garlic bread out and a giant bowl of minestrone in front of Leevio. He tells her something and she giggles. They joke in Italian, watching her ass as she wiggles back to the kitchen. At Leevio's table the wine steward returns to fill their glasses. It is the goon standing against the wall that is the first to realize that it is not the same wine steward. He is the second assassin, much younger than Rath. His name is BAIN. He smiles. The goon reaches for his gun as -- Bain SHATTERS the BOTTLE of wine into his face. He screams. Leevio coughs a spray of minestrone, as a GUN flashes free from the white linen towel hung over the steward's arm. It happens instantly. FOUR SHOTS and the goons are dead. Leevio screams. LEEVIO Don't! A FIFTH, SIXTH and SEVENTH SHOT. Leevio's body falls forward and softly thuds on the table. Bain whips around drawing a small SEMI-AUTOMATIC WEAPON from his belt expecting an attack. Facing the screaming crowd, he begins to SHOOT anyone who moves or stands, men or women. There is chaos in the restaurant. People scream, falling to the ground, scrambling under tables. Bain is sweating, his eyes shifting wildly from one end of the room to the other. The restaurant falls quiet except for several people who are sobbing. He moves through the room, watching, searching. BAIN Don't anybody move. You move, you're dead. He passes the table Rath was sitting at, but it is empty. BAIN Come on, you chicken shit motherfucker. I know you're here. Let's go. EXT. CONCRETE PARKING GARAGE Across the street from Trattoria Roma, Rath jacks together a German assault rifle with night scope. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain looks out the window at the dark street. He turns and searches through the people huddled on the floor. He aims his gun. BAIN You! Get up! A quivering wine steward stands. He points to another. BAIN You, too! Up! EXT. PARKING GARAGE THROUGH the NIGHT SCOPE we see the front door to the restaurant open and a group of wine stewards clumped together slowly back out. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain is second from the end, both guns aimed at the stewards. One of them begins to cry. BAIN Not yet. Don't move or you're fucking dead. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath moves the scope back and forth, unable to pick out the assassin. RATH Shit. Just do them all. All of them. Shit. He can't pull the trigger. EXT. TRATTORIA STOREFRONT The group moves toward the street. BAIN Now run! Like dogs out of the gate, they bolt. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as they scatter, finding Bain in his scope. EXT. STREET A chunk of BRICK EXPLODES from the wall just behind Bain's head as he drops behind the row of parked cars along the curb. He laughs. We get the idea that Bain is enjoying this. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath looks over his scope, talking to himself. He is sweating. RATH Shit. What are you doing, old man? You're too fucking slow. He looks back into the scope and begins scanning the line of cars. RATH Okay. Which one? Which one is yours? EXT. CITY STREET Bain is crawling alongside the tightly parked cars, staying low and out of sight. He works his way up to a black Mercedes that is parked illegally next to a fire hydrant and takes out his keys. He hits the remote unlocking the doors. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath finds the fire hydrant in his scope, almost obscured by the parked Mercedes. RATH Amateur. He takes aim. EXT. CITY STREET Just as Bain starts to open the door, the front TIRE EXPLODES. Another second, the back TIRE EXPLODES. BAIN Fuck! INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath waits, steely calm, his finger on the trigger. RATH Your move. EXT. CITY STREET Bain hears the growing wail of POLICE SIRENS. Thinking for a moment, he opens the car door and pulls a long handled switchblade and a roll of electrician's tape from the glove compartment. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath sees the car light go on, but can't make out what Bain is doing. The SIRENS are GETTING LOUDER. There's a lot of them. EXT. CITY STREET Bain finishes taping the knife to his forearm and rolls his shirt sleeve down. From his pocket he takes out a Gameboy and begins playing "Tetris." INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as the police cars come racing down the street. EXT. CITY STREET The CARS SCREECH to a halt in front of the restaurant. The COPS jump out, drawing their weapons. Bain throws his guns down, raising his hands in the air. BAIN Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I give up! More CARS come SCREECHING up as the two officers hold their beads on Bain. COP Hit the ground! Face down! Spread your legs! Bain follows the orders as the second cop edges up to him, frisking him. In this position the Cop is unable to find the knife strapped to Bain's forearm, but finds the Gameboy. BAIN Hey, don't touch that! COP Shut up! The Cop twists Bain's arms behind his back, handcuffing him tightly. They drag him to his feet, a swarm of police and paramedics in the street. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath holds them in his cross hairs as they move to the police car, but is unable to get a clean shot. Bain is using the cops for cover, keeping his head low. RATH Son of a bitch. The Cops shove Bain into the back seat. Rath very quickly walks to his car, tossing his gun into the trunk. He gets in and STARTS the ENGINE. INT. PATROL CAR The two Officers are outside the car talking with the sergeant. Bain, laying low beneath the windows, peeks up at the shadowy parking garage. He smiles. The two Policemen get in the car, the second picking up the radio. The driver GUNS the ENGINE and the black and white RUMBLES down the street. COP #2 This is 181, returning with suspect involved in multiple shooting at Trattoria Roma. Repeat, en route with suspect. He hangs up the radio and looks back at Bain through the metal caging. COP #2 Jesus Christ, do you know who you shot in there? Bain almost laughs. COP #2 What are you? Some kind of a hitman? Bain looks out the window. COP #2 You know what we call guys like you? Bain looks at him. COP #2 Sizzle lean. They're gonna fry your ass. He laughs at his own joke, looking at his partner, who chuckles. EXT. CITY STREET Rath's car races down the street trying to catch up with the patrol car. INT. PATROL CAR Bain stares out the window, silent. Behind his back, he takes hold of his left thumb with his right hand. The Cop is playing with the Gameboy. With a quick jerk, he yanks the thumb out of its socket. His expression remains perfectly blank. The thumb hangs unnaturally from the hand. The skin stretches strangely as he pulls the metal cuff from his wrist. The Cop turns as the SWITCHBLADE CLICKS and Bain sticks the knife through the wire mesh, into the cop's eye. A font of blood arcs onto the windshield. Grabbing hold of the driver's shirt collar, Bain jabs the blade into the back of his neck. The driver screams trying to pull free of Bain's grip. He slams on the brakes, groping for his gun and the CAR SKIDS out of control. Bain stabs the Cop again, his GUN FIRING WILDLY as -- The patrol car starts to flip and roll. INT. RATH'S CAR Rath turns as he hears an EXPLOSION, several blocks away. The TIRES SQUEAL as he makes a hard right. EXT. STREET Orange flames lick up from the belly of the overturned patrol car. Oil black clouds billow into the night sky. Rath's car cruises past. Rath sees the back seat window shattered, kicked out. Bain is gone. RATH I'm not done yet. EXT. CITY STREET INTERSECTION A brand new cab is sitting at a red light. The cabby looks into the rearview mirror, as a pair of headlights roll up behind him. The car gets closer, the lights brighter; they don't stop. He shrieks as the CAR SMASHES INTO HIS, TEARING OFF HIS BUMPER. The cabby jumps out, rattling off a string of obscenities. Rath gets out of the white car, starting to apologize, as the cabby moves toward him. When he's close enough, Rath decks him, knocking him unconscious. He picks him up and puts him in the white car. Rath then gets in the cab and when the light changes to green, he drives off. INT. CAB Rath circles the area, turning up the cab's CB. A couple of CALLS CRACKLE through the speaker, before he hears what he's waiting for; an airport fare in this area. At the intersection of Adams and Nine. He picks up the mike. RATH This is 1242. I got it. EXT. ADAMS AND NINE It is a deserted intersection. The buildings are dark and some of the street lights are out. The cab sits by itself, ENGINE RUNNING, its taillights glowing through the exhaust. INT. CAB Rath holds his gun cocked beneath his coat. His other hand grips the door handle. As he waits, watching the intersection, he notices the cabby's ID pinned to the dashboard. Leaving the gun in his jacket, he reaches for the ID card. He rips it from the dash and as he drops it under the seat, the door behind him opens. Someone gets in and closes the door. Rath peers into the rearview mirror. It is Bain. For the first time we realize that the front and back of the cab is separated by an inch of bullet proof glass. There is an awkward silence as Rath sits, unsure. Bain looks at him. BAIN Is there a problem? RATH No. No problem. The airport, right? BAIN Right. The cab pulls out of the intersection. INT. CAB Rath studies Bain. There is a thin line of blood down his temple. Bain is oblivious to it and pulls out his Gameboy, resuming his game of Tetris. RATH How'd you cut yourself? Their voices are distorted through the small electric amplifier set in the bullet proof glass near the metal money exchanger. Bain touches the blood on his forehead, looking at it a bit surprised. BAIN Oh? Working. A little accident. He wipes it off as best he can. RATH You a waiter? You look like a waiter. Bain is uninterested. BAIN Yeah. Yeah, I'm a waiter. RATH Where?

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Assassins Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS "Assassins", early draft, by Larry & Andy Wachowski ASSASSINS Written by Larry and Andy Wachowski August 12, 1994 FADE IN: PERFECT SQUARE OF BLACK We know that we are looking at something because its polished surface shimmers with light. PULLING BACK, other squares are revealed; the black and white tiles of a chess board. The board rises and spins, slipping beneath us we find ourselves MOVING ACROSS the board, MOVING THROUGH a chess game. The pieces are everywhere, checking and covering other pieces. It has reached that critical moment when pieces are traded and the board begins to clear as two strategies unravel towards a final outcome. Standing above the pieces around him, we see the black king. We MOVE CLOSER TOWARDS his face, CLOSER TO his chiseled ebony features, CLOSER UNTIL we are staring into his cold black eyes... DISSOLVE TO: EXT. MARSH - SUNGLASSES - DUSK The red setting sun is reflected in the black lens. Two men are tromping through the calf-deep mud of an end- less marsh. It is fall, the first frost not far away and the foliage is brown and bare. With the red-orange ball of fire melting into the horizon, the two men at first appear as only silhouettes or shadows slogging through the mire. The man with the sunglasses walks behind the other man. He is very well-dressed in a dark suit. A .22 caliber gun, fitted with a long silencer, dangles from his hand. His name is ROBERT RATH. The other man is WILLIE KETCHAM. He is also wearing a very expensive suit though it is being destroyed by the brambles and mud. As he lifts his foot his Gucci shoe is sucked off by the mud. KETCHAM Aw-shit! He balances on one leg, holding his silk-socked foot in the air. He looks at the shoe, already filling with mud. He looks at Rath. KETCHAM How much farther? RATH Just a little ways. Up to those trees. About a half mile further into the thickening marsh there is a small cluster of trees. KETCHAM Oh, fuck it. He pulls his sock off and plunges his foot into the mud. He smiles. It feels good. He hurls the sock. Lifting his other foot he pulls his shoe off and hurls that. He grabs for the other sock, struggling to get it off, laughing at himself as he slips and falls into the mud. Rath waits, a faint smile. He manages to get the sock off and then stands digging both feet into the dark, wet earth. KETCHAM Hey, this feels kinda good. They move on, Ketcham almost playing, sinking his feet deep pulling them out to make a SPLURCHING, SUCKING NOISE. KETCHAM Hey, do you mind if I talk a little? I feel like, I don't know, talking I guess. RATH Sure. KETCHAM Funny, I've never been a talker. My wife was always getting on me about that. 'Say what you feel, tell me what's bothering you, you ve got to talk to me.' I never would though. Not really. RATH Why not? KETCHAM I don't know. Part of me wanted to but part of me always said, 'What's she going to be able to do?' I don't know. Maybe I didn't trust her. He picks up a handful of mud and begins shaping it like a snowball. KETCHAM My Margaret... I loved her but you know what? I cheated on her. All the time. I don't even know why. It wasn't the sex, Margaret was great in bed. I think if I wasn't married I wouldn't have even looked at some of those women. I knew she couldn't trust me, so how could I trust her? If she was here right now I'd think that I would tell her that I was sorry... 'course, if she were here right now, maybe I wouldn't feel like talking. He throws the mud ball at the grove of trees but they are too far. KETCHAM I think I've heard of you. RATH It's possible. KETCHAM You're pretty famous aren't you? RATH I hope not. KETCHAM I know this may seem like a strange question, but can I ask you how much the contract was for -- not to insult you or anything, I know you're a professional, but just for me, I was just wondering. RATH It's a common question. KETCHAM Oh yeah? I guess we still need to see that price tag. Like art, right? You hang some painting that looks like baby-puke in your living room only if it costs a bundle. RATH A dime. KETCHAM One hundred thousand? That's it? Jesus... Is that a lot? RATH Average. KETCHAM Shit... oh well. Ketcham laughs. KETCHAM I have been thinking about this for a long while. I knew this day was coming. I knew someday someone would make the call on me. I never thought about anyone that I had whacked. What do you call it anyway? RATH Taken. KETCHAM 'Taken.' That's nice. When I had someone taken I would call our General Contractor, transfer the money and as soon as I hung up the phone I forgot about them. RATH Everyone who plays the game knows the rules. KETCHAM That's exactly what I told myself. Ketcham laughs again. He is getting kind of giggly, like he's high. KETCHAM I always wondered what I'd be thinking at this exact moment. I imagined that I would be thinking about the fucker who contracted this, trying to figure out who it was... Something occurs to him and he looks back at Rath. RATH Don't know. That's how it works. KETCHAM That's what our General Contractor told us but how can you trust someone like that? RATH Right. KETCHAM I thought that I would be thinking about Margaret, or work, or that I'd be having these deep, profound and depressing thoughts but I'm not. I'm trying to think really profound thoughts, but I can't. It seems very funny to me. RATH What are you thinking about? KETCHAM I'm thinking about Moonpies. Ain't that funny? I haven't had a Moonpie since I was ten years old. Right now, I'm thinking how much I'd love one. RATH And an R.C. He's 'laughing' and Rath laughs with him. Ketcham suddenly stops laughing. They are nearly to the cluster of trees. KETCHAM Can I ask you something? RATH Go ahead. KETCHAM What do other guys do? He looks at the trees, his voice dying in the WIND. RATH Everyone handles it differently. Some are ready, some are not. KETCHAM Do they get down on their knees, begging and crying? RATH Some. KETCHAM When I thought about this, that was always there, in the back of my head, that image of me on my knees, crying. It wouldn't go away and it would really upset me. It was something that I could never get away from... but now, I feel it's okay. I feel good. RATH Can I ask you a question? KETCHAM Anything. RATH Why didn't you fade? KETCHAM You mean quit? RATH Yeah. KETCHAM I used to think about it. I had Margaret. She wanted kids. I thought about moving somewhere far away like, Europe. I could see all of that, the first part, the getting away but I couldn't see that next part. 'Then what?' So I'd stop thinking about it and go back to work. You understand? RATH Yeah. Ketcham smiles and looks around at the grove of birch trees. KETCHAM I always pictured that I would end in some land fill, under someone else's garbage. I kept picturing those plastic diapers filled with some baby's green shit, covering me. But this is nice... He looks at the sun, bloody red seeping into the black horizon. KETCHAM Look at that. I haven't watched the sun set in a million years. Do you mind? RATH No. Ketcham stares at the last of the light. KETCHAM Nice... real nice. With his face hidden from Rath he begins to cry. Rath watches Ketcham staring at the setting sun. Rath looks down at the gun limply held in his hand. When the sun is gone, a red glow at the bottom of a dark- ening sky, we hear the GUN, SILENCED, ONCE, then the BODY FALLING INTO THE MUD. After a beat we hear TWO MORE SHOTS. Ketcham is lying face down, already sinking into the mud, a red cloud mushrooming around his head like the red haze left by the dying sun. Rath breathes in deep and lets the air out slowly, stand- ing alone in the middle of nowhere. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT The room is dark and still. A man is standing at a wall of windows that glow from the amber wash of urban light. Snow is falling, heavy white flakes glittering in the city's electric night. The man finishes his bourbon, ICE CLINKING in the empty glass. He is slightly drunk and he sways forward until his forehead rests against the window. In the dim light, we recognize the man as Rath. Outside there is a beautiful stone church decorated for Christmas. He watches the snowflakes drift to the distant street below. He is wondering what it would feel like to let himself fall, when there is a KNOCK at the door. Crossing the room, he opens the door. Backlit by the bright hallway light is a WOMAN. She has already removed her coat and though she is only a silhouette we can see that her dress is very short and very tight. ESCORT (WOMAN) Hi. Did you call -- RATH Yes. Please come in. Her HIGH HEELS TAP against the tile foyer as she enters and he takes her coat. ESCORT Goodness, it's so dark... She reaches for the wall switch but he stops her. RATH I prefer it like this. ESCORT How can a beautiful man like you be shy? He smiles. RATH I prefer it, that's all. She moves closer to him, the sexual confidence of her body radiating like heat. ESCORT It's okay, honey. We can do it anyway you want. Rath is obviously uncomfortable. RATH Would you like a drink? ESCORT I'd love one. Whatever you're having. They move into the room, from a distance, as featureless as two shadows. She stands at the windows watching the snow-bubble of a city night. ESCORT Beautiful. He hands her the drink. Her smile is bright and perfect. ESCORT Good will towards men. Their glasses clink as he drains half his drink. If she drinks at all, we can not tell. RATH Why are you working today? ESCORT Holidays are our busiest days. No one likes to be alone on holidays. I know I don't. She touches his face, the caress and her expression of tenderness seemingly genuine. RATH You're very good at this aren't you? ESCORT I think you're supposed to answer that question. Her hand slides down his chest, but before it goes any farther Rath turns away, returning to the bar. RATH I know what you expect, but I don't want... He pours himself another drink. ESCORT That's okay, hon, I always expect the unexpected. RATH I called because I just want... I need to talk. She sits on the couch, her body language changing, as she becomes a listener. RATH I've been thinking about my life, about things I have done... What I do for a living is in some ways similiar to what you do. He sits on the other end of the couch, his words thickened by the alcohol. RATH I know that everything has a price. I want you to understand that I'm willing to pay. He takes out an envelope and puts it between them. She picks it up, glancing inside at a stack of hundred dollar bills. ESCORT For what? RATH Honesty. She puts the envelope down. RATH I just want to ask you some questions. Uncomfortable, she waits as he searches his drink for the right words. RATH Do you ever regret things you've done? ESCORT Everyone regrets something. RATH But when you finLsh a job, afterwards do you think about them? ESCORT Sometimes. RATH Do you think about their wives or their families? ESCORT No. They call me, I don't call them. If they didn't call I wouldn't exist. Rath nods. His next question is barely audible. RATH Do you ever think about starting over? ESCORT All the time. RATH Can you tell me about it? For the first time we really see her take a drink. She closes her eyes. ESCORT Sometimes I dream that I meet a man, this good, honest man and we fall in love. I imagine us living on a boat, reading books, sailing to places where no one knows who we were or cares what we did. She opens her eyes and looks at him. RATH And what if you never meet that man? She smiles. ESCORT Then, I'll sail alone. RATH Do you believe that? ESCORT Are you asking me if I believe in another life? Rath nods. ESCORT I have to. She finishes her drink. ESCORT Is that all you want? RATH Yes. She picks up the money and stands. RATH Thank you. ESCORT Anytime. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT It is the same room but now it is very cluttered, room service trays and empty liquor bottles tossed about. He has been here for a while. He is sitting at the table, staring intensely at a chess game; we see the board and all of the pieces set in the same positions as in the opening sequence. He rubs at the whiskers that have darkened his face and then finishes off another bottle of bourbon. He flings the empty bottle across the room as he reaches over the board and moves one of white knights, taking a black rook. A sequence begins, obvious, and he works through it moving both the black and white pieces. Suddenly he stops. He gets up and shifts to the other side of the board, studying the game from white's perspective. Another sequence emerges and he trades the pieces through it as he moves around the table, returning to his place behind the black king. The games reaches its end as black is check-mated. He slumps down onto the table and looks across at the white king. RATH Fuck you, Nick. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAWN Rath is at a desk where he has set up his computer office; a cellular phone is plugged into a modem with cables winding through a scrambler and then into a fax machine and the latest high-powered lap-top computer. On the table near the desk, we see the .22, dismantled and cleaned, spread out on a white towel. He types in a complicated access code sequence, then waits, staring at the blank screen. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Where have you been, Robert? RATH/SCREEN Sick. The flu. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I don't believe you. RATH I don't give a fuck -- RATH/SCREEN It's true. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I have been sitting on a contract from Cleveland for six days because of you. RATH Fuck you, fuck Cleveland, and fuck your contracts -- RATH/SCREEN I need a rest. CONTRACTOR/ SCREEN That's impossible, Robert. You're at the top of your field. These are the best contracts. To stop now would be self-destructive. He looks away from the screen and sees the chess game on the table. RATH/SCREEN Send the file. I'll have the estimate tonight. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I'm worried about you, Robert. RATH You fucking should be -- RATH/SCREEN Don't be. On the screen the word "Transmitting" appears. Rath slowly gets out of his chair. The FAX MACHINE CLICKS and HUXS to life as a photograph of a smiling, old Italian man curls onto the desk. Rath begins destroying the hotel room, smashing anything he can get his hands on. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAY Rath is in the middle of the room which he has demolished. Having showered and shaved, he is now standing naked, in the midst of the rubble, practicing the slow and graceful art of Tai Chi. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is working at the desk. He is tallying numbers, materials, totaling his estimate. Spread out over the table are several faxed photos of the old Italian, Leevio Valli, usually surrounded by bodyguards. The file details Valli's life and his daily routine. It includes: phone bills, credit card and bank account statements, driver license and vehicle registration, the real estate listing of his house and even a copy of his income tax return. Satisfied with his figures, Rath plugs the phone into the modem and makes a call. The network comes on-line as the General Contractor types: CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You're too late, Robert. Rath types. RATH/SCREEN What? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN The contract was stolen. Rath stares at the screen. RATH/SCREEN Who? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN A new player. He's using the name Nicholai. The name hits Rath and he sits, unable to breathe. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You know what must be done. The screen goes black as the network shuts down. Rath looks down at the pile of assembled facts. He lifts a credit card bill on which the name of a restaurant appears every Friday. The name of the restaurant has been circled in red pen by Rath: "Trattoria Roma." EXT. TRATTORIA ROMA - NIGHT A red awning spans the entrance of a popular Italian restaurant. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA It is a large establishment with many tables and booths. The dinner crowd is a mix of yuppies and older Italian families who have been eating here for years. Rath is sitting alone at a booth. With very subtle changes to his appearance, he looks like an older Italian. In front of him is a glass and a carafe of dark red wine. He touches neither of them. His eyes shift as he studies the room. LEEVIO VALLI pushes into the restaurant surrounded by five gorillas in Italian suits. The owner hurries to greet them, hugging, kissing, speaking only Italian. The entourage moves through the restaurant to the over- sized booth in the back. Rath does not look twice at them. Immediately he is watching everyone else, looking for the other assassin. Leevio slides into the booth as his goons stand and sit around the table, obscuring him from all parts of the room. A wine steward immediately brings a bottle of red wine and fills their glasses. A pretty waitress sets a steaming loaf of garlic bread out and a giant bowl of minestrone in front of Leevio. He tells her something and she giggles. They joke in Italian, watching her ass as she wiggles back to the kitchen. At Leevio's table the wine steward returns to fill their glasses. It is the goon standing against the wall that is the first to realize that it is not the same wine steward. He is the second assassin, much younger than Rath. His name is BAIN. He smiles. The goon reaches for his gun as -- Bain SHATTERS the BOTTLE of wine into his face. He screams. Leevio coughs a spray of minestrone, as a GUN flashes free from the white linen towel hung over the steward's arm. It happens instantly. FOUR SHOTS and the goons are dead. Leevio screams. LEEVIO Don't! A FIFTH, SIXTH and SEVENTH SHOT. Leevio's body falls forward and softly thuds on the table. Bain whips around drawing a small SEMI-AUTOMATIC WEAPON from his belt expecting an attack. Facing the screaming crowd, he begins to SHOOT anyone who moves or stands, men or women. There is chaos in the restaurant. People scream, falling to the ground, scrambling under tables. Bain is sweating, his eyes shifting wildly from one end of the room to the other. The restaurant falls quiet except for several people who are sobbing. He moves through the room, watching, searching. BAIN Don't anybody move. You move, you're dead. He passes the table Rath was sitting at, but it is empty. BAIN Come on, you chicken shit motherfucker. I know you're here. Let's go. EXT. CONCRETE PARKING GARAGE Across the street from Trattoria Roma, Rath jacks together a German assault rifle with night scope. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain looks out the window at the dark street. He turns and searches through the people huddled on the floor. He aims his gun. BAIN You! Get up! A quivering wine steward stands. He points to another. BAIN You, too! Up! EXT. PARKING GARAGE THROUGH the NIGHT SCOPE we see the front door to the restaurant open and a group of wine stewards clumped together slowly back out. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain is second from the end, both guns aimed at the stewards. One of them begins to cry. BAIN Not yet. Don't move or you're fucking dead. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath moves the scope back and forth, unable to pick out the assassin. RATH Shit. Just do them all. All of them. Shit. He can't pull the trigger. EXT. TRATTORIA STOREFRONT The group moves toward the street. BAIN Now run! Like dogs out of the gate, they bolt. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as they scatter, finding Bain in his scope. EXT. STREET A chunk of BRICK EXPLODES from the wall just behind Bain's head as he drops behind the row of parked cars along the curb. He laughs. We get the idea that Bain is enjoying this. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath looks over his scope, talking to himself. He is sweating. RATH Shit. What are you doing, old man? You're too fucking slow. He looks back into the scope and begins scanning the line of cars. RATH Okay. Which one? Which one is yours? EXT. CITY STREET Bain is crawling alongside the tightly parked cars, staying low and out of sight. He works his way up to a black Mercedes that is parked illegally next to a fire hydrant and takes out his keys. He hits the remote unlocking the doors. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath finds the fire hydrant in his scope, almost obscured by the parked Mercedes. RATH Amateur. He takes aim. EXT. CITY STREET Just as Bain starts to open the door, the front TIRE EXPLODES. Another second, the back TIRE EXPLODES. BAIN Fuck! INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath waits, steely calm, his finger on the trigger. RATH Your move. EXT. CITY STREET Bain hears the growing wail of POLICE SIRENS. Thinking for a moment, he opens the car door and pulls a long handled switchblade and a roll of electrician's tape from the glove compartment. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath sees the car light go on, but can't make out what Bain is doing. The SIRENS are GETTING LOUDER. There's a lot of them. EXT. CITY STREET Bain finishes taping the knife to his forearm and rolls his shirt sleeve down. From his pocket he takes out a Gameboy and begins playing "Tetris." INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as the police cars come racing down the street. EXT. CITY STREET The CARS SCREECH to a halt in front of the restaurant. The COPS jump out, drawing their weapons. Bain throws his guns down, raising his hands in the air. BAIN Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I give up! More CARS come SCREECHING up as the two officers hold their beads on Bain. COP Hit the ground! Face down! Spread your legs! Bain follows the orders as the second cop edges up to him, frisking him. In this position the Cop is unable to find the knife strapped to Bain's forearm, but finds the Gameboy. BAIN Hey, don't touch that! COP Shut up! The Cop twists Bain's arms behind his back, handcuffing him tightly. They drag him to his feet, a swarm of police and paramedics in the street. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath holds them in his cross hairs as they move to the police car, but is unable to get a clean shot. Bain is using the cops for cover, keeping his head low. RATH Son of a bitch. The Cops shove Bain into the back seat. Rath very quickly walks to his car, tossing his gun into the trunk. He gets in and STARTS the ENGINE. INT. PATROL CAR The two Officers are outside the car talking with the sergeant. Bain, laying low beneath the windows, peeks up at the shadowy parking garage. He smiles. The two Policemen get in the car, the second picking up the radio. The driver GUNS the ENGINE and the black and white RUMBLES down the street. COP #2 This is 181, returning with suspect involved in multiple shooting at Trattoria Roma. Repeat, en route with suspect. He hangs up the radio and looks back at Bain through the metal caging. COP #2 Jesus Christ, do you know who you shot in there? Bain almost laughs. COP #2 What are you? Some kind of a hitman? Bain looks out the window. COP #2 You know what we call guys like you? Bain looks at him. COP #2 Sizzle lean. They're gonna fry your ass. He laughs at his own joke, looking at his partner, who chuckles. EXT. CITY STREET Rath's car races down the street trying to catch up with the patrol car. INT. PATROL CAR Bain stares out the window, silent. Behind his back, he takes hold of his left thumb with his right hand. The Cop is playing with the Gameboy. With a quick jerk, he yanks the thumb out of its socket. His expression remains perfectly blank. The thumb hangs unnaturally from the hand. The skin stretches strangely as he pulls the metal cuff from his wrist. The Cop turns as the SWITCHBLADE CLICKS and Bain sticks the knife through the wire mesh, into the cop's eye. A font of blood arcs onto the windshield. Grabbing hold of the driver's shirt collar, Bain jabs the blade into the back of his neck. The driver screams trying to pull free of Bain's grip. He slams on the brakes, groping for his gun and the CAR SKIDS out of control. Bain stabs the Cop again, his GUN FIRING WILDLY as -- The patrol car starts to flip and roll. INT. RATH'S CAR Rath turns as he hears an EXPLOSION, several blocks away. The TIRES SQUEAL as he makes a hard right. EXT. STREET Orange flames lick up from the belly of the overturned patrol car. Oil black clouds billow into the night sky. Rath's car cruises past. Rath sees the back seat window shattered, kicked out. Bain is gone. RATH I'm not done yet. EXT. CITY STREET INTERSECTION A brand new cab is sitting at a red light. The cabby looks into the rearview mirror, as a pair of headlights roll up behind him. The car gets closer, the lights brighter; they don't stop. He shrieks as the CAR SMASHES INTO HIS, TEARING OFF HIS BUMPER. The cabby jumps out, rattling off a string of obscenities. Rath gets out of the white car, starting to apologize, as the cabby moves toward him. When he's close enough, Rath decks him, knocking him unconscious. He picks him up and puts him in the white car. Rath then gets in the cab and when the light changes to green, he drives off. INT. CAB Rath circles the area, turning up the cab's CB. A couple of CALLS CRACKLE through the speaker, before he hears what he's waiting for; an airport fare in this area. At the intersection of Adams and Nine. He picks up the mike. RATH This is 1242. I got it. EXT. ADAMS AND NINE It is a deserted intersection. The buildings are dark and some of the street lights are out. The cab sits by itself, ENGINE RUNNING, its taillights glowing through the exhaust. INT. CAB Rath holds his gun cocked beneath his coat. His other hand grips the door handle. As he waits, watching the intersection, he notices the cabby's ID pinned to the dashboard. Leaving the gun in his jacket, he reaches for the ID card. He rips it from the dash and as he drops it under the seat, the door behind him opens. Someone gets in and closes the door. Rath peers into the rearview mirror. It is Bain. For the first time we realize that the front and back of the cab is separated by an inch of bullet proof glass. There is an awkward silence as Rath sits, unsure. Bain looks at him. BAIN Is there a problem? RATH No. No problem. The airport, right? BAIN Right. The cab pulls out of the intersection. INT. CAB Rath studies Bain. There is a thin line of blood down his temple. Bain is oblivious to it and pulls out his Gameboy, resuming his game of Tetris. RATH How'd you cut yourself? Their voices are distorted through the small electric amplifier set in the bullet proof glass near the metal money exchanger. Bain touches the blood on his forehead, looking at it a bit surprised. BAIN Oh? Working. A little accident. He wipes it off as best he can. RATH You a waiter? You look like a waiter. Bain is uninterested. BAIN Yeah. Yeah, I'm a waiter. RATH Where?

slumps

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Assassins Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS "Assassins", early draft, by Larry & Andy Wachowski ASSASSINS Written by Larry and Andy Wachowski August 12, 1994 FADE IN: PERFECT SQUARE OF BLACK We know that we are looking at something because its polished surface shimmers with light. PULLING BACK, other squares are revealed; the black and white tiles of a chess board. The board rises and spins, slipping beneath us we find ourselves MOVING ACROSS the board, MOVING THROUGH a chess game. The pieces are everywhere, checking and covering other pieces. It has reached that critical moment when pieces are traded and the board begins to clear as two strategies unravel towards a final outcome. Standing above the pieces around him, we see the black king. We MOVE CLOSER TOWARDS his face, CLOSER TO his chiseled ebony features, CLOSER UNTIL we are staring into his cold black eyes... DISSOLVE TO: EXT. MARSH - SUNGLASSES - DUSK The red setting sun is reflected in the black lens. Two men are tromping through the calf-deep mud of an end- less marsh. It is fall, the first frost not far away and the foliage is brown and bare. With the red-orange ball of fire melting into the horizon, the two men at first appear as only silhouettes or shadows slogging through the mire. The man with the sunglasses walks behind the other man. He is very well-dressed in a dark suit. A .22 caliber gun, fitted with a long silencer, dangles from his hand. His name is ROBERT RATH. The other man is WILLIE KETCHAM. He is also wearing a very expensive suit though it is being destroyed by the brambles and mud. As he lifts his foot his Gucci shoe is sucked off by the mud. KETCHAM Aw-shit! He balances on one leg, holding his silk-socked foot in the air. He looks at the shoe, already filling with mud. He looks at Rath. KETCHAM How much farther? RATH Just a little ways. Up to those trees. About a half mile further into the thickening marsh there is a small cluster of trees. KETCHAM Oh, fuck it. He pulls his sock off and plunges his foot into the mud. He smiles. It feels good. He hurls the sock. Lifting his other foot he pulls his shoe off and hurls that. He grabs for the other sock, struggling to get it off, laughing at himself as he slips and falls into the mud. Rath waits, a faint smile. He manages to get the sock off and then stands digging both feet into the dark, wet earth. KETCHAM Hey, this feels kinda good. They move on, Ketcham almost playing, sinking his feet deep pulling them out to make a SPLURCHING, SUCKING NOISE. KETCHAM Hey, do you mind if I talk a little? I feel like, I don't know, talking I guess. RATH Sure. KETCHAM Funny, I've never been a talker. My wife was always getting on me about that. 'Say what you feel, tell me what's bothering you, you ve got to talk to me.' I never would though. Not really. RATH Why not? KETCHAM I don't know. Part of me wanted to but part of me always said, 'What's she going to be able to do?' I don't know. Maybe I didn't trust her. He picks up a handful of mud and begins shaping it like a snowball. KETCHAM My Margaret... I loved her but you know what? I cheated on her. All the time. I don't even know why. It wasn't the sex, Margaret was great in bed. I think if I wasn't married I wouldn't have even looked at some of those women. I knew she couldn't trust me, so how could I trust her? If she was here right now I'd think that I would tell her that I was sorry... 'course, if she were here right now, maybe I wouldn't feel like talking. He throws the mud ball at the grove of trees but they are too far. KETCHAM I think I've heard of you. RATH It's possible. KETCHAM You're pretty famous aren't you? RATH I hope not. KETCHAM I know this may seem like a strange question, but can I ask you how much the contract was for -- not to insult you or anything, I know you're a professional, but just for me, I was just wondering. RATH It's a common question. KETCHAM Oh yeah? I guess we still need to see that price tag. Like art, right? You hang some painting that looks like baby-puke in your living room only if it costs a bundle. RATH A dime. KETCHAM One hundred thousand? That's it? Jesus... Is that a lot? RATH Average. KETCHAM Shit... oh well. Ketcham laughs. KETCHAM I have been thinking about this for a long while. I knew this day was coming. I knew someday someone would make the call on me. I never thought about anyone that I had whacked. What do you call it anyway? RATH Taken. KETCHAM 'Taken.' That's nice. When I had someone taken I would call our General Contractor, transfer the money and as soon as I hung up the phone I forgot about them. RATH Everyone who plays the game knows the rules. KETCHAM That's exactly what I told myself. Ketcham laughs again. He is getting kind of giggly, like he's high. KETCHAM I always wondered what I'd be thinking at this exact moment. I imagined that I would be thinking about the fucker who contracted this, trying to figure out who it was... Something occurs to him and he looks back at Rath. RATH Don't know. That's how it works. KETCHAM That's what our General Contractor told us but how can you trust someone like that? RATH Right. KETCHAM I thought that I would be thinking about Margaret, or work, or that I'd be having these deep, profound and depressing thoughts but I'm not. I'm trying to think really profound thoughts, but I can't. It seems very funny to me. RATH What are you thinking about? KETCHAM I'm thinking about Moonpies. Ain't that funny? I haven't had a Moonpie since I was ten years old. Right now, I'm thinking how much I'd love one. RATH And an R.C. He's 'laughing' and Rath laughs with him. Ketcham suddenly stops laughing. They are nearly to the cluster of trees. KETCHAM Can I ask you something? RATH Go ahead. KETCHAM What do other guys do? He looks at the trees, his voice dying in the WIND. RATH Everyone handles it differently. Some are ready, some are not. KETCHAM Do they get down on their knees, begging and crying? RATH Some. KETCHAM When I thought about this, that was always there, in the back of my head, that image of me on my knees, crying. It wouldn't go away and it would really upset me. It was something that I could never get away from... but now, I feel it's okay. I feel good. RATH Can I ask you a question? KETCHAM Anything. RATH Why didn't you fade? KETCHAM You mean quit? RATH Yeah. KETCHAM I used to think about it. I had Margaret. She wanted kids. I thought about moving somewhere far away like, Europe. I could see all of that, the first part, the getting away but I couldn't see that next part. 'Then what?' So I'd stop thinking about it and go back to work. You understand? RATH Yeah. Ketcham smiles and looks around at the grove of birch trees. KETCHAM I always pictured that I would end in some land fill, under someone else's garbage. I kept picturing those plastic diapers filled with some baby's green shit, covering me. But this is nice... He looks at the sun, bloody red seeping into the black horizon. KETCHAM Look at that. I haven't watched the sun set in a million years. Do you mind? RATH No. Ketcham stares at the last of the light. KETCHAM Nice... real nice. With his face hidden from Rath he begins to cry. Rath watches Ketcham staring at the setting sun. Rath looks down at the gun limply held in his hand. When the sun is gone, a red glow at the bottom of a dark- ening sky, we hear the GUN, SILENCED, ONCE, then the BODY FALLING INTO THE MUD. After a beat we hear TWO MORE SHOTS. Ketcham is lying face down, already sinking into the mud, a red cloud mushrooming around his head like the red haze left by the dying sun. Rath breathes in deep and lets the air out slowly, stand- ing alone in the middle of nowhere. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT The room is dark and still. A man is standing at a wall of windows that glow from the amber wash of urban light. Snow is falling, heavy white flakes glittering in the city's electric night. The man finishes his bourbon, ICE CLINKING in the empty glass. He is slightly drunk and he sways forward until his forehead rests against the window. In the dim light, we recognize the man as Rath. Outside there is a beautiful stone church decorated for Christmas. He watches the snowflakes drift to the distant street below. He is wondering what it would feel like to let himself fall, when there is a KNOCK at the door. Crossing the room, he opens the door. Backlit by the bright hallway light is a WOMAN. She has already removed her coat and though she is only a silhouette we can see that her dress is very short and very tight. ESCORT (WOMAN) Hi. Did you call -- RATH Yes. Please come in. Her HIGH HEELS TAP against the tile foyer as she enters and he takes her coat. ESCORT Goodness, it's so dark... She reaches for the wall switch but he stops her. RATH I prefer it like this. ESCORT How can a beautiful man like you be shy? He smiles. RATH I prefer it, that's all. She moves closer to him, the sexual confidence of her body radiating like heat. ESCORT It's okay, honey. We can do it anyway you want. Rath is obviously uncomfortable. RATH Would you like a drink? ESCORT I'd love one. Whatever you're having. They move into the room, from a distance, as featureless as two shadows. She stands at the windows watching the snow-bubble of a city night. ESCORT Beautiful. He hands her the drink. Her smile is bright and perfect. ESCORT Good will towards men. Their glasses clink as he drains half his drink. If she drinks at all, we can not tell. RATH Why are you working today? ESCORT Holidays are our busiest days. No one likes to be alone on holidays. I know I don't. She touches his face, the caress and her expression of tenderness seemingly genuine. RATH You're very good at this aren't you? ESCORT I think you're supposed to answer that question. Her hand slides down his chest, but before it goes any farther Rath turns away, returning to the bar. RATH I know what you expect, but I don't want... He pours himself another drink. ESCORT That's okay, hon, I always expect the unexpected. RATH I called because I just want... I need to talk. She sits on the couch, her body language changing, as she becomes a listener. RATH I've been thinking about my life, about things I have done... What I do for a living is in some ways similiar to what you do. He sits on the other end of the couch, his words thickened by the alcohol. RATH I know that everything has a price. I want you to understand that I'm willing to pay. He takes out an envelope and puts it between them. She picks it up, glancing inside at a stack of hundred dollar bills. ESCORT For what? RATH Honesty. She puts the envelope down. RATH I just want to ask you some questions. Uncomfortable, she waits as he searches his drink for the right words. RATH Do you ever regret things you've done? ESCORT Everyone regrets something. RATH But when you finLsh a job, afterwards do you think about them? ESCORT Sometimes. RATH Do you think about their wives or their families? ESCORT No. They call me, I don't call them. If they didn't call I wouldn't exist. Rath nods. His next question is barely audible. RATH Do you ever think about starting over? ESCORT All the time. RATH Can you tell me about it? For the first time we really see her take a drink. She closes her eyes. ESCORT Sometimes I dream that I meet a man, this good, honest man and we fall in love. I imagine us living on a boat, reading books, sailing to places where no one knows who we were or cares what we did. She opens her eyes and looks at him. RATH And what if you never meet that man? She smiles. ESCORT Then, I'll sail alone. RATH Do you believe that? ESCORT Are you asking me if I believe in another life? Rath nods. ESCORT I have to. She finishes her drink. ESCORT Is that all you want? RATH Yes. She picks up the money and stands. RATH Thank you. ESCORT Anytime. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT It is the same room but now it is very cluttered, room service trays and empty liquor bottles tossed about. He has been here for a while. He is sitting at the table, staring intensely at a chess game; we see the board and all of the pieces set in the same positions as in the opening sequence. He rubs at the whiskers that have darkened his face and then finishes off another bottle of bourbon. He flings the empty bottle across the room as he reaches over the board and moves one of white knights, taking a black rook. A sequence begins, obvious, and he works through it moving both the black and white pieces. Suddenly he stops. He gets up and shifts to the other side of the board, studying the game from white's perspective. Another sequence emerges and he trades the pieces through it as he moves around the table, returning to his place behind the black king. The games reaches its end as black is check-mated. He slumps down onto the table and looks across at the white king. RATH Fuck you, Nick. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAWN Rath is at a desk where he has set up his computer office; a cellular phone is plugged into a modem with cables winding through a scrambler and then into a fax machine and the latest high-powered lap-top computer. On the table near the desk, we see the .22, dismantled and cleaned, spread out on a white towel. He types in a complicated access code sequence, then waits, staring at the blank screen. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Where have you been, Robert? RATH/SCREEN Sick. The flu. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I don't believe you. RATH I don't give a fuck -- RATH/SCREEN It's true. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I have been sitting on a contract from Cleveland for six days because of you. RATH Fuck you, fuck Cleveland, and fuck your contracts -- RATH/SCREEN I need a rest. CONTRACTOR/ SCREEN That's impossible, Robert. You're at the top of your field. These are the best contracts. To stop now would be self-destructive. He looks away from the screen and sees the chess game on the table. RATH/SCREEN Send the file. I'll have the estimate tonight. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I'm worried about you, Robert. RATH You fucking should be -- RATH/SCREEN Don't be. On the screen the word "Transmitting" appears. Rath slowly gets out of his chair. The FAX MACHINE CLICKS and HUXS to life as a photograph of a smiling, old Italian man curls onto the desk. Rath begins destroying the hotel room, smashing anything he can get his hands on. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAY Rath is in the middle of the room which he has demolished. Having showered and shaved, he is now standing naked, in the midst of the rubble, practicing the slow and graceful art of Tai Chi. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is working at the desk. He is tallying numbers, materials, totaling his estimate. Spread out over the table are several faxed photos of the old Italian, Leevio Valli, usually surrounded by bodyguards. The file details Valli's life and his daily routine. It includes: phone bills, credit card and bank account statements, driver license and vehicle registration, the real estate listing of his house and even a copy of his income tax return. Satisfied with his figures, Rath plugs the phone into the modem and makes a call. The network comes on-line as the General Contractor types: CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You're too late, Robert. Rath types. RATH/SCREEN What? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN The contract was stolen. Rath stares at the screen. RATH/SCREEN Who? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN A new player. He's using the name Nicholai. The name hits Rath and he sits, unable to breathe. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You know what must be done. The screen goes black as the network shuts down. Rath looks down at the pile of assembled facts. He lifts a credit card bill on which the name of a restaurant appears every Friday. The name of the restaurant has been circled in red pen by Rath: "Trattoria Roma." EXT. TRATTORIA ROMA - NIGHT A red awning spans the entrance of a popular Italian restaurant. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA It is a large establishment with many tables and booths. The dinner crowd is a mix of yuppies and older Italian families who have been eating here for years. Rath is sitting alone at a booth. With very subtle changes to his appearance, he looks like an older Italian. In front of him is a glass and a carafe of dark red wine. He touches neither of them. His eyes shift as he studies the room. LEEVIO VALLI pushes into the restaurant surrounded by five gorillas in Italian suits. The owner hurries to greet them, hugging, kissing, speaking only Italian. The entourage moves through the restaurant to the over- sized booth in the back. Rath does not look twice at them. Immediately he is watching everyone else, looking for the other assassin. Leevio slides into the booth as his goons stand and sit around the table, obscuring him from all parts of the room. A wine steward immediately brings a bottle of red wine and fills their glasses. A pretty waitress sets a steaming loaf of garlic bread out and a giant bowl of minestrone in front of Leevio. He tells her something and she giggles. They joke in Italian, watching her ass as she wiggles back to the kitchen. At Leevio's table the wine steward returns to fill their glasses. It is the goon standing against the wall that is the first to realize that it is not the same wine steward. He is the second assassin, much younger than Rath. His name is BAIN. He smiles. The goon reaches for his gun as -- Bain SHATTERS the BOTTLE of wine into his face. He screams. Leevio coughs a spray of minestrone, as a GUN flashes free from the white linen towel hung over the steward's arm. It happens instantly. FOUR SHOTS and the goons are dead. Leevio screams. LEEVIO Don't! A FIFTH, SIXTH and SEVENTH SHOT. Leevio's body falls forward and softly thuds on the table. Bain whips around drawing a small SEMI-AUTOMATIC WEAPON from his belt expecting an attack. Facing the screaming crowd, he begins to SHOOT anyone who moves or stands, men or women. There is chaos in the restaurant. People scream, falling to the ground, scrambling under tables. Bain is sweating, his eyes shifting wildly from one end of the room to the other. The restaurant falls quiet except for several people who are sobbing. He moves through the room, watching, searching. BAIN Don't anybody move. You move, you're dead. He passes the table Rath was sitting at, but it is empty. BAIN Come on, you chicken shit motherfucker. I know you're here. Let's go. EXT. CONCRETE PARKING GARAGE Across the street from Trattoria Roma, Rath jacks together a German assault rifle with night scope. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain looks out the window at the dark street. He turns and searches through the people huddled on the floor. He aims his gun. BAIN You! Get up! A quivering wine steward stands. He points to another. BAIN You, too! Up! EXT. PARKING GARAGE THROUGH the NIGHT SCOPE we see the front door to the restaurant open and a group of wine stewards clumped together slowly back out. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain is second from the end, both guns aimed at the stewards. One of them begins to cry. BAIN Not yet. Don't move or you're fucking dead. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath moves the scope back and forth, unable to pick out the assassin. RATH Shit. Just do them all. All of them. Shit. He can't pull the trigger. EXT. TRATTORIA STOREFRONT The group moves toward the street. BAIN Now run! Like dogs out of the gate, they bolt. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as they scatter, finding Bain in his scope. EXT. STREET A chunk of BRICK EXPLODES from the wall just behind Bain's head as he drops behind the row of parked cars along the curb. He laughs. We get the idea that Bain is enjoying this. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath looks over his scope, talking to himself. He is sweating. RATH Shit. What are you doing, old man? You're too fucking slow. He looks back into the scope and begins scanning the line of cars. RATH Okay. Which one? Which one is yours? EXT. CITY STREET Bain is crawling alongside the tightly parked cars, staying low and out of sight. He works his way up to a black Mercedes that is parked illegally next to a fire hydrant and takes out his keys. He hits the remote unlocking the doors. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath finds the fire hydrant in his scope, almost obscured by the parked Mercedes. RATH Amateur. He takes aim. EXT. CITY STREET Just as Bain starts to open the door, the front TIRE EXPLODES. Another second, the back TIRE EXPLODES. BAIN Fuck! INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath waits, steely calm, his finger on the trigger. RATH Your move. EXT. CITY STREET Bain hears the growing wail of POLICE SIRENS. Thinking for a moment, he opens the car door and pulls a long handled switchblade and a roll of electrician's tape from the glove compartment. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath sees the car light go on, but can't make out what Bain is doing. The SIRENS are GETTING LOUDER. There's a lot of them. EXT. CITY STREET Bain finishes taping the knife to his forearm and rolls his shirt sleeve down. From his pocket he takes out a Gameboy and begins playing "Tetris." INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as the police cars come racing down the street. EXT. CITY STREET The CARS SCREECH to a halt in front of the restaurant. The COPS jump out, drawing their weapons. Bain throws his guns down, raising his hands in the air. BAIN Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I give up! More CARS come SCREECHING up as the two officers hold their beads on Bain. COP Hit the ground! Face down! Spread your legs! Bain follows the orders as the second cop edges up to him, frisking him. In this position the Cop is unable to find the knife strapped to Bain's forearm, but finds the Gameboy. BAIN Hey, don't touch that! COP Shut up! The Cop twists Bain's arms behind his back, handcuffing him tightly. They drag him to his feet, a swarm of police and paramedics in the street. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath holds them in his cross hairs as they move to the police car, but is unable to get a clean shot. Bain is using the cops for cover, keeping his head low. RATH Son of a bitch. The Cops shove Bain into the back seat. Rath very quickly walks to his car, tossing his gun into the trunk. He gets in and STARTS the ENGINE. INT. PATROL CAR The two Officers are outside the car talking with the sergeant. Bain, laying low beneath the windows, peeks up at the shadowy parking garage. He smiles. The two Policemen get in the car, the second picking up the radio. The driver GUNS the ENGINE and the black and white RUMBLES down the street. COP #2 This is 181, returning with suspect involved in multiple shooting at Trattoria Roma. Repeat, en route with suspect. He hangs up the radio and looks back at Bain through the metal caging. COP #2 Jesus Christ, do you know who you shot in there? Bain almost laughs. COP #2 What are you? Some kind of a hitman? Bain looks out the window. COP #2 You know what we call guys like you? Bain looks at him. COP #2 Sizzle lean. They're gonna fry your ass. He laughs at his own joke, looking at his partner, who chuckles. EXT. CITY STREET Rath's car races down the street trying to catch up with the patrol car. INT. PATROL CAR Bain stares out the window, silent. Behind his back, he takes hold of his left thumb with his right hand. The Cop is playing with the Gameboy. With a quick jerk, he yanks the thumb out of its socket. His expression remains perfectly blank. The thumb hangs unnaturally from the hand. The skin stretches strangely as he pulls the metal cuff from his wrist. The Cop turns as the SWITCHBLADE CLICKS and Bain sticks the knife through the wire mesh, into the cop's eye. A font of blood arcs onto the windshield. Grabbing hold of the driver's shirt collar, Bain jabs the blade into the back of his neck. The driver screams trying to pull free of Bain's grip. He slams on the brakes, groping for his gun and the CAR SKIDS out of control. Bain stabs the Cop again, his GUN FIRING WILDLY as -- The patrol car starts to flip and roll. INT. RATH'S CAR Rath turns as he hears an EXPLOSION, several blocks away. The TIRES SQUEAL as he makes a hard right. EXT. STREET Orange flames lick up from the belly of the overturned patrol car. Oil black clouds billow into the night sky. Rath's car cruises past. Rath sees the back seat window shattered, kicked out. Bain is gone. RATH I'm not done yet. EXT. CITY STREET INTERSECTION A brand new cab is sitting at a red light. The cabby looks into the rearview mirror, as a pair of headlights roll up behind him. The car gets closer, the lights brighter; they don't stop. He shrieks as the CAR SMASHES INTO HIS, TEARING OFF HIS BUMPER. The cabby jumps out, rattling off a string of obscenities. Rath gets out of the white car, starting to apologize, as the cabby moves toward him. When he's close enough, Rath decks him, knocking him unconscious. He picks him up and puts him in the white car. Rath then gets in the cab and when the light changes to green, he drives off. INT. CAB Rath circles the area, turning up the cab's CB. A couple of CALLS CRACKLE through the speaker, before he hears what he's waiting for; an airport fare in this area. At the intersection of Adams and Nine. He picks up the mike. RATH This is 1242. I got it. EXT. ADAMS AND NINE It is a deserted intersection. The buildings are dark and some of the street lights are out. The cab sits by itself, ENGINE RUNNING, its taillights glowing through the exhaust. INT. CAB Rath holds his gun cocked beneath his coat. His other hand grips the door handle. As he waits, watching the intersection, he notices the cabby's ID pinned to the dashboard. Leaving the gun in his jacket, he reaches for the ID card. He rips it from the dash and as he drops it under the seat, the door behind him opens. Someone gets in and closes the door. Rath peers into the rearview mirror. It is Bain. For the first time we realize that the front and back of the cab is separated by an inch of bullet proof glass. There is an awkward silence as Rath sits, unsure. Bain looks at him. BAIN Is there a problem? RATH No. No problem. The airport, right? BAIN Right. The cab pulls out of the intersection. INT. CAB Rath studies Bain. There is a thin line of blood down his temple. Bain is oblivious to it and pulls out his Gameboy, resuming his game of Tetris. RATH How'd you cut yourself? Their voices are distorted through the small electric amplifier set in the bullet proof glass near the metal money exchanger. Bain touches the blood on his forehead, looking at it a bit surprised. BAIN Oh? Working. A little accident. He wipes it off as best he can. RATH You a waiter? You look like a waiter. Bain is uninterested. BAIN Yeah. Yeah, I'm a waiter. RATH Where?

landlord

How many times the word 'landlord' appears in the text?

Assassins Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS "Assassins", early draft, by Larry & Andy Wachowski ASSASSINS Written by Larry and Andy Wachowski August 12, 1994 FADE IN: PERFECT SQUARE OF BLACK We know that we are looking at something because its polished surface shimmers with light. PULLING BACK, other squares are revealed; the black and white tiles of a chess board. The board rises and spins, slipping beneath us we find ourselves MOVING ACROSS the board, MOVING THROUGH a chess game. The pieces are everywhere, checking and covering other pieces. It has reached that critical moment when pieces are traded and the board begins to clear as two strategies unravel towards a final outcome. Standing above the pieces around him, we see the black king. We MOVE CLOSER TOWARDS his face, CLOSER TO his chiseled ebony features, CLOSER UNTIL we are staring into his cold black eyes... DISSOLVE TO: EXT. MARSH - SUNGLASSES - DUSK The red setting sun is reflected in the black lens. Two men are tromping through the calf-deep mud of an end- less marsh. It is fall, the first frost not far away and the foliage is brown and bare. With the red-orange ball of fire melting into the horizon, the two men at first appear as only silhouettes or shadows slogging through the mire. The man with the sunglasses walks behind the other man. He is very well-dressed in a dark suit. A .22 caliber gun, fitted with a long silencer, dangles from his hand. His name is ROBERT RATH. The other man is WILLIE KETCHAM. He is also wearing a very expensive suit though it is being destroyed by the brambles and mud. As he lifts his foot his Gucci shoe is sucked off by the mud. KETCHAM Aw-shit! He balances on one leg, holding his silk-socked foot in the air. He looks at the shoe, already filling with mud. He looks at Rath. KETCHAM How much farther? RATH Just a little ways. Up to those trees. About a half mile further into the thickening marsh there is a small cluster of trees. KETCHAM Oh, fuck it. He pulls his sock off and plunges his foot into the mud. He smiles. It feels good. He hurls the sock. Lifting his other foot he pulls his shoe off and hurls that. He grabs for the other sock, struggling to get it off, laughing at himself as he slips and falls into the mud. Rath waits, a faint smile. He manages to get the sock off and then stands digging both feet into the dark, wet earth. KETCHAM Hey, this feels kinda good. They move on, Ketcham almost playing, sinking his feet deep pulling them out to make a SPLURCHING, SUCKING NOISE. KETCHAM Hey, do you mind if I talk a little? I feel like, I don't know, talking I guess. RATH Sure. KETCHAM Funny, I've never been a talker. My wife was always getting on me about that. 'Say what you feel, tell me what's bothering you, you ve got to talk to me.' I never would though. Not really. RATH Why not? KETCHAM I don't know. Part of me wanted to but part of me always said, 'What's she going to be able to do?' I don't know. Maybe I didn't trust her. He picks up a handful of mud and begins shaping it like a snowball. KETCHAM My Margaret... I loved her but you know what? I cheated on her. All the time. I don't even know why. It wasn't the sex, Margaret was great in bed. I think if I wasn't married I wouldn't have even looked at some of those women. I knew she couldn't trust me, so how could I trust her? If she was here right now I'd think that I would tell her that I was sorry... 'course, if she were here right now, maybe I wouldn't feel like talking. He throws the mud ball at the grove of trees but they are too far. KETCHAM I think I've heard of you. RATH It's possible. KETCHAM You're pretty famous aren't you? RATH I hope not. KETCHAM I know this may seem like a strange question, but can I ask you how much the contract was for -- not to insult you or anything, I know you're a professional, but just for me, I was just wondering. RATH It's a common question. KETCHAM Oh yeah? I guess we still need to see that price tag. Like art, right? You hang some painting that looks like baby-puke in your living room only if it costs a bundle. RATH A dime. KETCHAM One hundred thousand? That's it? Jesus... Is that a lot? RATH Average. KETCHAM Shit... oh well. Ketcham laughs. KETCHAM I have been thinking about this for a long while. I knew this day was coming. I knew someday someone would make the call on me. I never thought about anyone that I had whacked. What do you call it anyway? RATH Taken. KETCHAM 'Taken.' That's nice. When I had someone taken I would call our General Contractor, transfer the money and as soon as I hung up the phone I forgot about them. RATH Everyone who plays the game knows the rules. KETCHAM That's exactly what I told myself. Ketcham laughs again. He is getting kind of giggly, like he's high. KETCHAM I always wondered what I'd be thinking at this exact moment. I imagined that I would be thinking about the fucker who contracted this, trying to figure out who it was... Something occurs to him and he looks back at Rath. RATH Don't know. That's how it works. KETCHAM That's what our General Contractor told us but how can you trust someone like that? RATH Right. KETCHAM I thought that I would be thinking about Margaret, or work, or that I'd be having these deep, profound and depressing thoughts but I'm not. I'm trying to think really profound thoughts, but I can't. It seems very funny to me. RATH What are you thinking about? KETCHAM I'm thinking about Moonpies. Ain't that funny? I haven't had a Moonpie since I was ten years old. Right now, I'm thinking how much I'd love one. RATH And an R.C. He's 'laughing' and Rath laughs with him. Ketcham suddenly stops laughing. They are nearly to the cluster of trees. KETCHAM Can I ask you something? RATH Go ahead. KETCHAM What do other guys do? He looks at the trees, his voice dying in the WIND. RATH Everyone handles it differently. Some are ready, some are not. KETCHAM Do they get down on their knees, begging and crying? RATH Some. KETCHAM When I thought about this, that was always there, in the back of my head, that image of me on my knees, crying. It wouldn't go away and it would really upset me. It was something that I could never get away from... but now, I feel it's okay. I feel good. RATH Can I ask you a question? KETCHAM Anything. RATH Why didn't you fade? KETCHAM You mean quit? RATH Yeah. KETCHAM I used to think about it. I had Margaret. She wanted kids. I thought about moving somewhere far away like, Europe. I could see all of that, the first part, the getting away but I couldn't see that next part. 'Then what?' So I'd stop thinking about it and go back to work. You understand? RATH Yeah. Ketcham smiles and looks around at the grove of birch trees. KETCHAM I always pictured that I would end in some land fill, under someone else's garbage. I kept picturing those plastic diapers filled with some baby's green shit, covering me. But this is nice... He looks at the sun, bloody red seeping into the black horizon. KETCHAM Look at that. I haven't watched the sun set in a million years. Do you mind? RATH No. Ketcham stares at the last of the light. KETCHAM Nice... real nice. With his face hidden from Rath he begins to cry. Rath watches Ketcham staring at the setting sun. Rath looks down at the gun limply held in his hand. When the sun is gone, a red glow at the bottom of a dark- ening sky, we hear the GUN, SILENCED, ONCE, then the BODY FALLING INTO THE MUD. After a beat we hear TWO MORE SHOTS. Ketcham is lying face down, already sinking into the mud, a red cloud mushrooming around his head like the red haze left by the dying sun. Rath breathes in deep and lets the air out slowly, stand- ing alone in the middle of nowhere. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT The room is dark and still. A man is standing at a wall of windows that glow from the amber wash of urban light. Snow is falling, heavy white flakes glittering in the city's electric night. The man finishes his bourbon, ICE CLINKING in the empty glass. He is slightly drunk and he sways forward until his forehead rests against the window. In the dim light, we recognize the man as Rath. Outside there is a beautiful stone church decorated for Christmas. He watches the snowflakes drift to the distant street below. He is wondering what it would feel like to let himself fall, when there is a KNOCK at the door. Crossing the room, he opens the door. Backlit by the bright hallway light is a WOMAN. She has already removed her coat and though she is only a silhouette we can see that her dress is very short and very tight. ESCORT (WOMAN) Hi. Did you call -- RATH Yes. Please come in. Her HIGH HEELS TAP against the tile foyer as she enters and he takes her coat. ESCORT Goodness, it's so dark... She reaches for the wall switch but he stops her. RATH I prefer it like this. ESCORT How can a beautiful man like you be shy? He smiles. RATH I prefer it, that's all. She moves closer to him, the sexual confidence of her body radiating like heat. ESCORT It's okay, honey. We can do it anyway you want. Rath is obviously uncomfortable. RATH Would you like a drink? ESCORT I'd love one. Whatever you're having. They move into the room, from a distance, as featureless as two shadows. She stands at the windows watching the snow-bubble of a city night. ESCORT Beautiful. He hands her the drink. Her smile is bright and perfect. ESCORT Good will towards men. Their glasses clink as he drains half his drink. If she drinks at all, we can not tell. RATH Why are you working today? ESCORT Holidays are our busiest days. No one likes to be alone on holidays. I know I don't. She touches his face, the caress and her expression of tenderness seemingly genuine. RATH You're very good at this aren't you? ESCORT I think you're supposed to answer that question. Her hand slides down his chest, but before it goes any farther Rath turns away, returning to the bar. RATH I know what you expect, but I don't want... He pours himself another drink. ESCORT That's okay, hon, I always expect the unexpected. RATH I called because I just want... I need to talk. She sits on the couch, her body language changing, as she becomes a listener. RATH I've been thinking about my life, about things I have done... What I do for a living is in some ways similiar to what you do. He sits on the other end of the couch, his words thickened by the alcohol. RATH I know that everything has a price. I want you to understand that I'm willing to pay. He takes out an envelope and puts it between them. She picks it up, glancing inside at a stack of hundred dollar bills. ESCORT For what? RATH Honesty. She puts the envelope down. RATH I just want to ask you some questions. Uncomfortable, she waits as he searches his drink for the right words. RATH Do you ever regret things you've done? ESCORT Everyone regrets something. RATH But when you finLsh a job, afterwards do you think about them? ESCORT Sometimes. RATH Do you think about their wives or their families? ESCORT No. They call me, I don't call them. If they didn't call I wouldn't exist. Rath nods. His next question is barely audible. RATH Do you ever think about starting over? ESCORT All the time. RATH Can you tell me about it? For the first time we really see her take a drink. She closes her eyes. ESCORT Sometimes I dream that I meet a man, this good, honest man and we fall in love. I imagine us living on a boat, reading books, sailing to places where no one knows who we were or cares what we did. She opens her eyes and looks at him. RATH And what if you never meet that man? She smiles. ESCORT Then, I'll sail alone. RATH Do you believe that? ESCORT Are you asking me if I believe in another life? Rath nods. ESCORT I have to. She finishes her drink. ESCORT Is that all you want? RATH Yes. She picks up the money and stands. RATH Thank you. ESCORT Anytime. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT It is the same room but now it is very cluttered, room service trays and empty liquor bottles tossed about. He has been here for a while. He is sitting at the table, staring intensely at a chess game; we see the board and all of the pieces set in the same positions as in the opening sequence. He rubs at the whiskers that have darkened his face and then finishes off another bottle of bourbon. He flings the empty bottle across the room as he reaches over the board and moves one of white knights, taking a black rook. A sequence begins, obvious, and he works through it moving both the black and white pieces. Suddenly he stops. He gets up and shifts to the other side of the board, studying the game from white's perspective. Another sequence emerges and he trades the pieces through it as he moves around the table, returning to his place behind the black king. The games reaches its end as black is check-mated. He slumps down onto the table and looks across at the white king. RATH Fuck you, Nick. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAWN Rath is at a desk where he has set up his computer office; a cellular phone is plugged into a modem with cables winding through a scrambler and then into a fax machine and the latest high-powered lap-top computer. On the table near the desk, we see the .22, dismantled and cleaned, spread out on a white towel. He types in a complicated access code sequence, then waits, staring at the blank screen. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Where have you been, Robert? RATH/SCREEN Sick. The flu. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I don't believe you. RATH I don't give a fuck -- RATH/SCREEN It's true. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I have been sitting on a contract from Cleveland for six days because of you. RATH Fuck you, fuck Cleveland, and fuck your contracts -- RATH/SCREEN I need a rest. CONTRACTOR/ SCREEN That's impossible, Robert. You're at the top of your field. These are the best contracts. To stop now would be self-destructive. He looks away from the screen and sees the chess game on the table. RATH/SCREEN Send the file. I'll have the estimate tonight. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I'm worried about you, Robert. RATH You fucking should be -- RATH/SCREEN Don't be. On the screen the word "Transmitting" appears. Rath slowly gets out of his chair. The FAX MACHINE CLICKS and HUXS to life as a photograph of a smiling, old Italian man curls onto the desk. Rath begins destroying the hotel room, smashing anything he can get his hands on. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAY Rath is in the middle of the room which he has demolished. Having showered and shaved, he is now standing naked, in the midst of the rubble, practicing the slow and graceful art of Tai Chi. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is working at the desk. He is tallying numbers, materials, totaling his estimate. Spread out over the table are several faxed photos of the old Italian, Leevio Valli, usually surrounded by bodyguards. The file details Valli's life and his daily routine. It includes: phone bills, credit card and bank account statements, driver license and vehicle registration, the real estate listing of his house and even a copy of his income tax return. Satisfied with his figures, Rath plugs the phone into the modem and makes a call. The network comes on-line as the General Contractor types: CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You're too late, Robert. Rath types. RATH/SCREEN What? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN The contract was stolen. Rath stares at the screen. RATH/SCREEN Who? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN A new player. He's using the name Nicholai. The name hits Rath and he sits, unable to breathe. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You know what must be done. The screen goes black as the network shuts down. Rath looks down at the pile of assembled facts. He lifts a credit card bill on which the name of a restaurant appears every Friday. The name of the restaurant has been circled in red pen by Rath: "Trattoria Roma." EXT. TRATTORIA ROMA - NIGHT A red awning spans the entrance of a popular Italian restaurant. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA It is a large establishment with many tables and booths. The dinner crowd is a mix of yuppies and older Italian families who have been eating here for years. Rath is sitting alone at a booth. With very subtle changes to his appearance, he looks like an older Italian. In front of him is a glass and a carafe of dark red wine. He touches neither of them. His eyes shift as he studies the room. LEEVIO VALLI pushes into the restaurant surrounded by five gorillas in Italian suits. The owner hurries to greet them, hugging, kissing, speaking only Italian. The entourage moves through the restaurant to the over- sized booth in the back. Rath does not look twice at them. Immediately he is watching everyone else, looking for the other assassin. Leevio slides into the booth as his goons stand and sit around the table, obscuring him from all parts of the room. A wine steward immediately brings a bottle of red wine and fills their glasses. A pretty waitress sets a steaming loaf of garlic bread out and a giant bowl of minestrone in front of Leevio. He tells her something and she giggles. They joke in Italian, watching her ass as she wiggles back to the kitchen. At Leevio's table the wine steward returns to fill their glasses. It is the goon standing against the wall that is the first to realize that it is not the same wine steward. He is the second assassin, much younger than Rath. His name is BAIN. He smiles. The goon reaches for his gun as -- Bain SHATTERS the BOTTLE of wine into his face. He screams. Leevio coughs a spray of minestrone, as a GUN flashes free from the white linen towel hung over the steward's arm. It happens instantly. FOUR SHOTS and the goons are dead. Leevio screams. LEEVIO Don't! A FIFTH, SIXTH and SEVENTH SHOT. Leevio's body falls forward and softly thuds on the table. Bain whips around drawing a small SEMI-AUTOMATIC WEAPON from his belt expecting an attack. Facing the screaming crowd, he begins to SHOOT anyone who moves or stands, men or women. There is chaos in the restaurant. People scream, falling to the ground, scrambling under tables. Bain is sweating, his eyes shifting wildly from one end of the room to the other. The restaurant falls quiet except for several people who are sobbing. He moves through the room, watching, searching. BAIN Don't anybody move. You move, you're dead. He passes the table Rath was sitting at, but it is empty. BAIN Come on, you chicken shit motherfucker. I know you're here. Let's go. EXT. CONCRETE PARKING GARAGE Across the street from Trattoria Roma, Rath jacks together a German assault rifle with night scope. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain looks out the window at the dark street. He turns and searches through the people huddled on the floor. He aims his gun. BAIN You! Get up! A quivering wine steward stands. He points to another. BAIN You, too! Up! EXT. PARKING GARAGE THROUGH the NIGHT SCOPE we see the front door to the restaurant open and a group of wine stewards clumped together slowly back out. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain is second from the end, both guns aimed at the stewards. One of them begins to cry. BAIN Not yet. Don't move or you're fucking dead. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath moves the scope back and forth, unable to pick out the assassin. RATH Shit. Just do them all. All of them. Shit. He can't pull the trigger. EXT. TRATTORIA STOREFRONT The group moves toward the street. BAIN Now run! Like dogs out of the gate, they bolt. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as they scatter, finding Bain in his scope. EXT. STREET A chunk of BRICK EXPLODES from the wall just behind Bain's head as he drops behind the row of parked cars along the curb. He laughs. We get the idea that Bain is enjoying this. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath looks over his scope, talking to himself. He is sweating. RATH Shit. What are you doing, old man? You're too fucking slow. He looks back into the scope and begins scanning the line of cars. RATH Okay. Which one? Which one is yours? EXT. CITY STREET Bain is crawling alongside the tightly parked cars, staying low and out of sight. He works his way up to a black Mercedes that is parked illegally next to a fire hydrant and takes out his keys. He hits the remote unlocking the doors. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath finds the fire hydrant in his scope, almost obscured by the parked Mercedes. RATH Amateur. He takes aim. EXT. CITY STREET Just as Bain starts to open the door, the front TIRE EXPLODES. Another second, the back TIRE EXPLODES. BAIN Fuck! INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath waits, steely calm, his finger on the trigger. RATH Your move. EXT. CITY STREET Bain hears the growing wail of POLICE SIRENS. Thinking for a moment, he opens the car door and pulls a long handled switchblade and a roll of electrician's tape from the glove compartment. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath sees the car light go on, but can't make out what Bain is doing. The SIRENS are GETTING LOUDER. There's a lot of them. EXT. CITY STREET Bain finishes taping the knife to his forearm and rolls his shirt sleeve down. From his pocket he takes out a Gameboy and begins playing "Tetris." INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as the police cars come racing down the street. EXT. CITY STREET The CARS SCREECH to a halt in front of the restaurant. The COPS jump out, drawing their weapons. Bain throws his guns down, raising his hands in the air. BAIN Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I give up! More CARS come SCREECHING up as the two officers hold their beads on Bain. COP Hit the ground! Face down! Spread your legs! Bain follows the orders as the second cop edges up to him, frisking him. In this position the Cop is unable to find the knife strapped to Bain's forearm, but finds the Gameboy. BAIN Hey, don't touch that! COP Shut up! The Cop twists Bain's arms behind his back, handcuffing him tightly. They drag him to his feet, a swarm of police and paramedics in the street. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath holds them in his cross hairs as they move to the police car, but is unable to get a clean shot. Bain is using the cops for cover, keeping his head low. RATH Son of a bitch. The Cops shove Bain into the back seat. Rath very quickly walks to his car, tossing his gun into the trunk. He gets in and STARTS the ENGINE. INT. PATROL CAR The two Officers are outside the car talking with the sergeant. Bain, laying low beneath the windows, peeks up at the shadowy parking garage. He smiles. The two Policemen get in the car, the second picking up the radio. The driver GUNS the ENGINE and the black and white RUMBLES down the street. COP #2 This is 181, returning with suspect involved in multiple shooting at Trattoria Roma. Repeat, en route with suspect. He hangs up the radio and looks back at Bain through the metal caging. COP #2 Jesus Christ, do you know who you shot in there? Bain almost laughs. COP #2 What are you? Some kind of a hitman? Bain looks out the window. COP #2 You know what we call guys like you? Bain looks at him. COP #2 Sizzle lean. They're gonna fry your ass. He laughs at his own joke, looking at his partner, who chuckles. EXT. CITY STREET Rath's car races down the street trying to catch up with the patrol car. INT. PATROL CAR Bain stares out the window, silent. Behind his back, he takes hold of his left thumb with his right hand. The Cop is playing with the Gameboy. With a quick jerk, he yanks the thumb out of its socket. His expression remains perfectly blank. The thumb hangs unnaturally from the hand. The skin stretches strangely as he pulls the metal cuff from his wrist. The Cop turns as the SWITCHBLADE CLICKS and Bain sticks the knife through the wire mesh, into the cop's eye. A font of blood arcs onto the windshield. Grabbing hold of the driver's shirt collar, Bain jabs the blade into the back of his neck. The driver screams trying to pull free of Bain's grip. He slams on the brakes, groping for his gun and the CAR SKIDS out of control. Bain stabs the Cop again, his GUN FIRING WILDLY as -- The patrol car starts to flip and roll. INT. RATH'S CAR Rath turns as he hears an EXPLOSION, several blocks away. The TIRES SQUEAL as he makes a hard right. EXT. STREET Orange flames lick up from the belly of the overturned patrol car. Oil black clouds billow into the night sky. Rath's car cruises past. Rath sees the back seat window shattered, kicked out. Bain is gone. RATH I'm not done yet. EXT. CITY STREET INTERSECTION A brand new cab is sitting at a red light. The cabby looks into the rearview mirror, as a pair of headlights roll up behind him. The car gets closer, the lights brighter; they don't stop. He shrieks as the CAR SMASHES INTO HIS, TEARING OFF HIS BUMPER. The cabby jumps out, rattling off a string of obscenities. Rath gets out of the white car, starting to apologize, as the cabby moves toward him. When he's close enough, Rath decks him, knocking him unconscious. He picks him up and puts him in the white car. Rath then gets in the cab and when the light changes to green, he drives off. INT. CAB Rath circles the area, turning up the cab's CB. A couple of CALLS CRACKLE through the speaker, before he hears what he's waiting for; an airport fare in this area. At the intersection of Adams and Nine. He picks up the mike. RATH This is 1242. I got it. EXT. ADAMS AND NINE It is a deserted intersection. The buildings are dark and some of the street lights are out. The cab sits by itself, ENGINE RUNNING, its taillights glowing through the exhaust. INT. CAB Rath holds his gun cocked beneath his coat. His other hand grips the door handle. As he waits, watching the intersection, he notices the cabby's ID pinned to the dashboard. Leaving the gun in his jacket, he reaches for the ID card. He rips it from the dash and as he drops it under the seat, the door behind him opens. Someone gets in and closes the door. Rath peers into the rearview mirror. It is Bain. For the first time we realize that the front and back of the cab is separated by an inch of bullet proof glass. There is an awkward silence as Rath sits, unsure. Bain looks at him. BAIN Is there a problem? RATH No. No problem. The airport, right? BAIN Right. The cab pulls out of the intersection. INT. CAB Rath studies Bain. There is a thin line of blood down his temple. Bain is oblivious to it and pulls out his Gameboy, resuming his game of Tetris. RATH How'd you cut yourself? Their voices are distorted through the small electric amplifier set in the bullet proof glass near the metal money exchanger. Bain touches the blood on his forehead, looking at it a bit surprised. BAIN Oh? Working. A little accident. He wipes it off as best he can. RATH You a waiter? You look like a waiter. Bain is uninterested. BAIN Yeah. Yeah, I'm a waiter. RATH Where?

database

How many times the word 'database' appears in the text?

Assassins Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS "Assassins", early draft, by Larry & Andy Wachowski ASSASSINS Written by Larry and Andy Wachowski August 12, 1994 FADE IN: PERFECT SQUARE OF BLACK We know that we are looking at something because its polished surface shimmers with light. PULLING BACK, other squares are revealed; the black and white tiles of a chess board. The board rises and spins, slipping beneath us we find ourselves MOVING ACROSS the board, MOVING THROUGH a chess game. The pieces are everywhere, checking and covering other pieces. It has reached that critical moment when pieces are traded and the board begins to clear as two strategies unravel towards a final outcome. Standing above the pieces around him, we see the black king. We MOVE CLOSER TOWARDS his face, CLOSER TO his chiseled ebony features, CLOSER UNTIL we are staring into his cold black eyes... DISSOLVE TO: EXT. MARSH - SUNGLASSES - DUSK The red setting sun is reflected in the black lens. Two men are tromping through the calf-deep mud of an end- less marsh. It is fall, the first frost not far away and the foliage is brown and bare. With the red-orange ball of fire melting into the horizon, the two men at first appear as only silhouettes or shadows slogging through the mire. The man with the sunglasses walks behind the other man. He is very well-dressed in a dark suit. A .22 caliber gun, fitted with a long silencer, dangles from his hand. His name is ROBERT RATH. The other man is WILLIE KETCHAM. He is also wearing a very expensive suit though it is being destroyed by the brambles and mud. As he lifts his foot his Gucci shoe is sucked off by the mud. KETCHAM Aw-shit! He balances on one leg, holding his silk-socked foot in the air. He looks at the shoe, already filling with mud. He looks at Rath. KETCHAM How much farther? RATH Just a little ways. Up to those trees. About a half mile further into the thickening marsh there is a small cluster of trees. KETCHAM Oh, fuck it. He pulls his sock off and plunges his foot into the mud. He smiles. It feels good. He hurls the sock. Lifting his other foot he pulls his shoe off and hurls that. He grabs for the other sock, struggling to get it off, laughing at himself as he slips and falls into the mud. Rath waits, a faint smile. He manages to get the sock off and then stands digging both feet into the dark, wet earth. KETCHAM Hey, this feels kinda good. They move on, Ketcham almost playing, sinking his feet deep pulling them out to make a SPLURCHING, SUCKING NOISE. KETCHAM Hey, do you mind if I talk a little? I feel like, I don't know, talking I guess. RATH Sure. KETCHAM Funny, I've never been a talker. My wife was always getting on me about that. 'Say what you feel, tell me what's bothering you, you ve got to talk to me.' I never would though. Not really. RATH Why not? KETCHAM I don't know. Part of me wanted to but part of me always said, 'What's she going to be able to do?' I don't know. Maybe I didn't trust her. He picks up a handful of mud and begins shaping it like a snowball. KETCHAM My Margaret... I loved her but you know what? I cheated on her. All the time. I don't even know why. It wasn't the sex, Margaret was great in bed. I think if I wasn't married I wouldn't have even looked at some of those women. I knew she couldn't trust me, so how could I trust her? If she was here right now I'd think that I would tell her that I was sorry... 'course, if she were here right now, maybe I wouldn't feel like talking. He throws the mud ball at the grove of trees but they are too far. KETCHAM I think I've heard of you. RATH It's possible. KETCHAM You're pretty famous aren't you? RATH I hope not. KETCHAM I know this may seem like a strange question, but can I ask you how much the contract was for -- not to insult you or anything, I know you're a professional, but just for me, I was just wondering. RATH It's a common question. KETCHAM Oh yeah? I guess we still need to see that price tag. Like art, right? You hang some painting that looks like baby-puke in your living room only if it costs a bundle. RATH A dime. KETCHAM One hundred thousand? That's it? Jesus... Is that a lot? RATH Average. KETCHAM Shit... oh well. Ketcham laughs. KETCHAM I have been thinking about this for a long while. I knew this day was coming. I knew someday someone would make the call on me. I never thought about anyone that I had whacked. What do you call it anyway? RATH Taken. KETCHAM 'Taken.' That's nice. When I had someone taken I would call our General Contractor, transfer the money and as soon as I hung up the phone I forgot about them. RATH Everyone who plays the game knows the rules. KETCHAM That's exactly what I told myself. Ketcham laughs again. He is getting kind of giggly, like he's high. KETCHAM I always wondered what I'd be thinking at this exact moment. I imagined that I would be thinking about the fucker who contracted this, trying to figure out who it was... Something occurs to him and he looks back at Rath. RATH Don't know. That's how it works. KETCHAM That's what our General Contractor told us but how can you trust someone like that? RATH Right. KETCHAM I thought that I would be thinking about Margaret, or work, or that I'd be having these deep, profound and depressing thoughts but I'm not. I'm trying to think really profound thoughts, but I can't. It seems very funny to me. RATH What are you thinking about? KETCHAM I'm thinking about Moonpies. Ain't that funny? I haven't had a Moonpie since I was ten years old. Right now, I'm thinking how much I'd love one. RATH And an R.C. He's 'laughing' and Rath laughs with him. Ketcham suddenly stops laughing. They are nearly to the cluster of trees. KETCHAM Can I ask you something? RATH Go ahead. KETCHAM What do other guys do? He looks at the trees, his voice dying in the WIND. RATH Everyone handles it differently. Some are ready, some are not. KETCHAM Do they get down on their knees, begging and crying? RATH Some. KETCHAM When I thought about this, that was always there, in the back of my head, that image of me on my knees, crying. It wouldn't go away and it would really upset me. It was something that I could never get away from... but now, I feel it's okay. I feel good. RATH Can I ask you a question? KETCHAM Anything. RATH Why didn't you fade? KETCHAM You mean quit? RATH Yeah. KETCHAM I used to think about it. I had Margaret. She wanted kids. I thought about moving somewhere far away like, Europe. I could see all of that, the first part, the getting away but I couldn't see that next part. 'Then what?' So I'd stop thinking about it and go back to work. You understand? RATH Yeah. Ketcham smiles and looks around at the grove of birch trees. KETCHAM I always pictured that I would end in some land fill, under someone else's garbage. I kept picturing those plastic diapers filled with some baby's green shit, covering me. But this is nice... He looks at the sun, bloody red seeping into the black horizon. KETCHAM Look at that. I haven't watched the sun set in a million years. Do you mind? RATH No. Ketcham stares at the last of the light. KETCHAM Nice... real nice. With his face hidden from Rath he begins to cry. Rath watches Ketcham staring at the setting sun. Rath looks down at the gun limply held in his hand. When the sun is gone, a red glow at the bottom of a dark- ening sky, we hear the GUN, SILENCED, ONCE, then the BODY FALLING INTO THE MUD. After a beat we hear TWO MORE SHOTS. Ketcham is lying face down, already sinking into the mud, a red cloud mushrooming around his head like the red haze left by the dying sun. Rath breathes in deep and lets the air out slowly, stand- ing alone in the middle of nowhere. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT The room is dark and still. A man is standing at a wall of windows that glow from the amber wash of urban light. Snow is falling, heavy white flakes glittering in the city's electric night. The man finishes his bourbon, ICE CLINKING in the empty glass. He is slightly drunk and he sways forward until his forehead rests against the window. In the dim light, we recognize the man as Rath. Outside there is a beautiful stone church decorated for Christmas. He watches the snowflakes drift to the distant street below. He is wondering what it would feel like to let himself fall, when there is a KNOCK at the door. Crossing the room, he opens the door. Backlit by the bright hallway light is a WOMAN. She has already removed her coat and though she is only a silhouette we can see that her dress is very short and very tight. ESCORT (WOMAN) Hi. Did you call -- RATH Yes. Please come in. Her HIGH HEELS TAP against the tile foyer as she enters and he takes her coat. ESCORT Goodness, it's so dark... She reaches for the wall switch but he stops her. RATH I prefer it like this. ESCORT How can a beautiful man like you be shy? He smiles. RATH I prefer it, that's all. She moves closer to him, the sexual confidence of her body radiating like heat. ESCORT It's okay, honey. We can do it anyway you want. Rath is obviously uncomfortable. RATH Would you like a drink? ESCORT I'd love one. Whatever you're having. They move into the room, from a distance, as featureless as two shadows. She stands at the windows watching the snow-bubble of a city night. ESCORT Beautiful. He hands her the drink. Her smile is bright and perfect. ESCORT Good will towards men. Their glasses clink as he drains half his drink. If she drinks at all, we can not tell. RATH Why are you working today? ESCORT Holidays are our busiest days. No one likes to be alone on holidays. I know I don't. She touches his face, the caress and her expression of tenderness seemingly genuine. RATH You're very good at this aren't you? ESCORT I think you're supposed to answer that question. Her hand slides down his chest, but before it goes any farther Rath turns away, returning to the bar. RATH I know what you expect, but I don't want... He pours himself another drink. ESCORT That's okay, hon, I always expect the unexpected. RATH I called because I just want... I need to talk. She sits on the couch, her body language changing, as she becomes a listener. RATH I've been thinking about my life, about things I have done... What I do for a living is in some ways similiar to what you do. He sits on the other end of the couch, his words thickened by the alcohol. RATH I know that everything has a price. I want you to understand that I'm willing to pay. He takes out an envelope and puts it between them. She picks it up, glancing inside at a stack of hundred dollar bills. ESCORT For what? RATH Honesty. She puts the envelope down. RATH I just want to ask you some questions. Uncomfortable, she waits as he searches his drink for the right words. RATH Do you ever regret things you've done? ESCORT Everyone regrets something. RATH But when you finLsh a job, afterwards do you think about them? ESCORT Sometimes. RATH Do you think about their wives or their families? ESCORT No. They call me, I don't call them. If they didn't call I wouldn't exist. Rath nods. His next question is barely audible. RATH Do you ever think about starting over? ESCORT All the time. RATH Can you tell me about it? For the first time we really see her take a drink. She closes her eyes. ESCORT Sometimes I dream that I meet a man, this good, honest man and we fall in love. I imagine us living on a boat, reading books, sailing to places where no one knows who we were or cares what we did. She opens her eyes and looks at him. RATH And what if you never meet that man? She smiles. ESCORT Then, I'll sail alone. RATH Do you believe that? ESCORT Are you asking me if I believe in another life? Rath nods. ESCORT I have to. She finishes her drink. ESCORT Is that all you want? RATH Yes. She picks up the money and stands. RATH Thank you. ESCORT Anytime. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT It is the same room but now it is very cluttered, room service trays and empty liquor bottles tossed about. He has been here for a while. He is sitting at the table, staring intensely at a chess game; we see the board and all of the pieces set in the same positions as in the opening sequence. He rubs at the whiskers that have darkened his face and then finishes off another bottle of bourbon. He flings the empty bottle across the room as he reaches over the board and moves one of white knights, taking a black rook. A sequence begins, obvious, and he works through it moving both the black and white pieces. Suddenly he stops. He gets up and shifts to the other side of the board, studying the game from white's perspective. Another sequence emerges and he trades the pieces through it as he moves around the table, returning to his place behind the black king. The games reaches its end as black is check-mated. He slumps down onto the table and looks across at the white king. RATH Fuck you, Nick. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAWN Rath is at a desk where he has set up his computer office; a cellular phone is plugged into a modem with cables winding through a scrambler and then into a fax machine and the latest high-powered lap-top computer. On the table near the desk, we see the .22, dismantled and cleaned, spread out on a white towel. He types in a complicated access code sequence, then waits, staring at the blank screen. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Where have you been, Robert? RATH/SCREEN Sick. The flu. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I don't believe you. RATH I don't give a fuck -- RATH/SCREEN It's true. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I have been sitting on a contract from Cleveland for six days because of you. RATH Fuck you, fuck Cleveland, and fuck your contracts -- RATH/SCREEN I need a rest. CONTRACTOR/ SCREEN That's impossible, Robert. You're at the top of your field. These are the best contracts. To stop now would be self-destructive. He looks away from the screen and sees the chess game on the table. RATH/SCREEN Send the file. I'll have the estimate tonight. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I'm worried about you, Robert. RATH You fucking should be -- RATH/SCREEN Don't be. On the screen the word "Transmitting" appears. Rath slowly gets out of his chair. The FAX MACHINE CLICKS and HUXS to life as a photograph of a smiling, old Italian man curls onto the desk. Rath begins destroying the hotel room, smashing anything he can get his hands on. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAY Rath is in the middle of the room which he has demolished. Having showered and shaved, he is now standing naked, in the midst of the rubble, practicing the slow and graceful art of Tai Chi. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is working at the desk. He is tallying numbers, materials, totaling his estimate. Spread out over the table are several faxed photos of the old Italian, Leevio Valli, usually surrounded by bodyguards. The file details Valli's life and his daily routine. It includes: phone bills, credit card and bank account statements, driver license and vehicle registration, the real estate listing of his house and even a copy of his income tax return. Satisfied with his figures, Rath plugs the phone into the modem and makes a call. The network comes on-line as the General Contractor types: CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You're too late, Robert. Rath types. RATH/SCREEN What? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN The contract was stolen. Rath stares at the screen. RATH/SCREEN Who? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN A new player. He's using the name Nicholai. The name hits Rath and he sits, unable to breathe. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You know what must be done. The screen goes black as the network shuts down. Rath looks down at the pile of assembled facts. He lifts a credit card bill on which the name of a restaurant appears every Friday. The name of the restaurant has been circled in red pen by Rath: "Trattoria Roma." EXT. TRATTORIA ROMA - NIGHT A red awning spans the entrance of a popular Italian restaurant. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA It is a large establishment with many tables and booths. The dinner crowd is a mix of yuppies and older Italian families who have been eating here for years. Rath is sitting alone at a booth. With very subtle changes to his appearance, he looks like an older Italian. In front of him is a glass and a carafe of dark red wine. He touches neither of them. His eyes shift as he studies the room. LEEVIO VALLI pushes into the restaurant surrounded by five gorillas in Italian suits. The owner hurries to greet them, hugging, kissing, speaking only Italian. The entourage moves through the restaurant to the over- sized booth in the back. Rath does not look twice at them. Immediately he is watching everyone else, looking for the other assassin. Leevio slides into the booth as his goons stand and sit around the table, obscuring him from all parts of the room. A wine steward immediately brings a bottle of red wine and fills their glasses. A pretty waitress sets a steaming loaf of garlic bread out and a giant bowl of minestrone in front of Leevio. He tells her something and she giggles. They joke in Italian, watching her ass as she wiggles back to the kitchen. At Leevio's table the wine steward returns to fill their glasses. It is the goon standing against the wall that is the first to realize that it is not the same wine steward. He is the second assassin, much younger than Rath. His name is BAIN. He smiles. The goon reaches for his gun as -- Bain SHATTERS the BOTTLE of wine into his face. He screams. Leevio coughs a spray of minestrone, as a GUN flashes free from the white linen towel hung over the steward's arm. It happens instantly. FOUR SHOTS and the goons are dead. Leevio screams. LEEVIO Don't! A FIFTH, SIXTH and SEVENTH SHOT. Leevio's body falls forward and softly thuds on the table. Bain whips around drawing a small SEMI-AUTOMATIC WEAPON from his belt expecting an attack. Facing the screaming crowd, he begins to SHOOT anyone who moves or stands, men or women. There is chaos in the restaurant. People scream, falling to the ground, scrambling under tables. Bain is sweating, his eyes shifting wildly from one end of the room to the other. The restaurant falls quiet except for several people who are sobbing. He moves through the room, watching, searching. BAIN Don't anybody move. You move, you're dead. He passes the table Rath was sitting at, but it is empty. BAIN Come on, you chicken shit motherfucker. I know you're here. Let's go. EXT. CONCRETE PARKING GARAGE Across the street from Trattoria Roma, Rath jacks together a German assault rifle with night scope. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain looks out the window at the dark street. He turns and searches through the people huddled on the floor. He aims his gun. BAIN You! Get up! A quivering wine steward stands. He points to another. BAIN You, too! Up! EXT. PARKING GARAGE THROUGH the NIGHT SCOPE we see the front door to the restaurant open and a group of wine stewards clumped together slowly back out. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain is second from the end, both guns aimed at the stewards. One of them begins to cry. BAIN Not yet. Don't move or you're fucking dead. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath moves the scope back and forth, unable to pick out the assassin. RATH Shit. Just do them all. All of them. Shit. He can't pull the trigger. EXT. TRATTORIA STOREFRONT The group moves toward the street. BAIN Now run! Like dogs out of the gate, they bolt. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as they scatter, finding Bain in his scope. EXT. STREET A chunk of BRICK EXPLODES from the wall just behind Bain's head as he drops behind the row of parked cars along the curb. He laughs. We get the idea that Bain is enjoying this. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath looks over his scope, talking to himself. He is sweating. RATH Shit. What are you doing, old man? You're too fucking slow. He looks back into the scope and begins scanning the line of cars. RATH Okay. Which one? Which one is yours? EXT. CITY STREET Bain is crawling alongside the tightly parked cars, staying low and out of sight. He works his way up to a black Mercedes that is parked illegally next to a fire hydrant and takes out his keys. He hits the remote unlocking the doors. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath finds the fire hydrant in his scope, almost obscured by the parked Mercedes. RATH Amateur. He takes aim. EXT. CITY STREET Just as Bain starts to open the door, the front TIRE EXPLODES. Another second, the back TIRE EXPLODES. BAIN Fuck! INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath waits, steely calm, his finger on the trigger. RATH Your move. EXT. CITY STREET Bain hears the growing wail of POLICE SIRENS. Thinking for a moment, he opens the car door and pulls a long handled switchblade and a roll of electrician's tape from the glove compartment. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath sees the car light go on, but can't make out what Bain is doing. The SIRENS are GETTING LOUDER. There's a lot of them. EXT. CITY STREET Bain finishes taping the knife to his forearm and rolls his shirt sleeve down. From his pocket he takes out a Gameboy and begins playing "Tetris." INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as the police cars come racing down the street. EXT. CITY STREET The CARS SCREECH to a halt in front of the restaurant. The COPS jump out, drawing their weapons. Bain throws his guns down, raising his hands in the air. BAIN Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I give up! More CARS come SCREECHING up as the two officers hold their beads on Bain. COP Hit the ground! Face down! Spread your legs! Bain follows the orders as the second cop edges up to him, frisking him. In this position the Cop is unable to find the knife strapped to Bain's forearm, but finds the Gameboy. BAIN Hey, don't touch that! COP Shut up! The Cop twists Bain's arms behind his back, handcuffing him tightly. They drag him to his feet, a swarm of police and paramedics in the street. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath holds them in his cross hairs as they move to the police car, but is unable to get a clean shot. Bain is using the cops for cover, keeping his head low. RATH Son of a bitch. The Cops shove Bain into the back seat. Rath very quickly walks to his car, tossing his gun into the trunk. He gets in and STARTS the ENGINE. INT. PATROL CAR The two Officers are outside the car talking with the sergeant. Bain, laying low beneath the windows, peeks up at the shadowy parking garage. He smiles. The two Policemen get in the car, the second picking up the radio. The driver GUNS the ENGINE and the black and white RUMBLES down the street. COP #2 This is 181, returning with suspect involved in multiple shooting at Trattoria Roma. Repeat, en route with suspect. He hangs up the radio and looks back at Bain through the metal caging. COP #2 Jesus Christ, do you know who you shot in there? Bain almost laughs. COP #2 What are you? Some kind of a hitman? Bain looks out the window. COP #2 You know what we call guys like you? Bain looks at him. COP #2 Sizzle lean. They're gonna fry your ass. He laughs at his own joke, looking at his partner, who chuckles. EXT. CITY STREET Rath's car races down the street trying to catch up with the patrol car. INT. PATROL CAR Bain stares out the window, silent. Behind his back, he takes hold of his left thumb with his right hand. The Cop is playing with the Gameboy. With a quick jerk, he yanks the thumb out of its socket. His expression remains perfectly blank. The thumb hangs unnaturally from the hand. The skin stretches strangely as he pulls the metal cuff from his wrist. The Cop turns as the SWITCHBLADE CLICKS and Bain sticks the knife through the wire mesh, into the cop's eye. A font of blood arcs onto the windshield. Grabbing hold of the driver's shirt collar, Bain jabs the blade into the back of his neck. The driver screams trying to pull free of Bain's grip. He slams on the brakes, groping for his gun and the CAR SKIDS out of control. Bain stabs the Cop again, his GUN FIRING WILDLY as -- The patrol car starts to flip and roll. INT. RATH'S CAR Rath turns as he hears an EXPLOSION, several blocks away. The TIRES SQUEAL as he makes a hard right. EXT. STREET Orange flames lick up from the belly of the overturned patrol car. Oil black clouds billow into the night sky. Rath's car cruises past. Rath sees the back seat window shattered, kicked out. Bain is gone. RATH I'm not done yet. EXT. CITY STREET INTERSECTION A brand new cab is sitting at a red light. The cabby looks into the rearview mirror, as a pair of headlights roll up behind him. The car gets closer, the lights brighter; they don't stop. He shrieks as the CAR SMASHES INTO HIS, TEARING OFF HIS BUMPER. The cabby jumps out, rattling off a string of obscenities. Rath gets out of the white car, starting to apologize, as the cabby moves toward him. When he's close enough, Rath decks him, knocking him unconscious. He picks him up and puts him in the white car. Rath then gets in the cab and when the light changes to green, he drives off. INT. CAB Rath circles the area, turning up the cab's CB. A couple of CALLS CRACKLE through the speaker, before he hears what he's waiting for; an airport fare in this area. At the intersection of Adams and Nine. He picks up the mike. RATH This is 1242. I got it. EXT. ADAMS AND NINE It is a deserted intersection. The buildings are dark and some of the street lights are out. The cab sits by itself, ENGINE RUNNING, its taillights glowing through the exhaust. INT. CAB Rath holds his gun cocked beneath his coat. His other hand grips the door handle. As he waits, watching the intersection, he notices the cabby's ID pinned to the dashboard. Leaving the gun in his jacket, he reaches for the ID card. He rips it from the dash and as he drops it under the seat, the door behind him opens. Someone gets in and closes the door. Rath peers into the rearview mirror. It is Bain. For the first time we realize that the front and back of the cab is separated by an inch of bullet proof glass. There is an awkward silence as Rath sits, unsure. Bain looks at him. BAIN Is there a problem? RATH No. No problem. The airport, right? BAIN Right. The cab pulls out of the intersection. INT. CAB Rath studies Bain. There is a thin line of blood down his temple. Bain is oblivious to it and pulls out his Gameboy, resuming his game of Tetris. RATH How'd you cut yourself? Their voices are distorted through the small electric amplifier set in the bullet proof glass near the metal money exchanger. Bain touches the blood on his forehead, looking at it a bit surprised. BAIN Oh? Working. A little accident. He wipes it off as best he can. RATH You a waiter? You look like a waiter. Bain is uninterested. BAIN Yeah. Yeah, I'm a waiter. RATH Where?

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How many times the word 'usual' appears in the text?

Assassins Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS "Assassins", early draft, by Larry & Andy Wachowski ASSASSINS Written by Larry and Andy Wachowski August 12, 1994 FADE IN: PERFECT SQUARE OF BLACK We know that we are looking at something because its polished surface shimmers with light. PULLING BACK, other squares are revealed; the black and white tiles of a chess board. The board rises and spins, slipping beneath us we find ourselves MOVING ACROSS the board, MOVING THROUGH a chess game. The pieces are everywhere, checking and covering other pieces. It has reached that critical moment when pieces are traded and the board begins to clear as two strategies unravel towards a final outcome. Standing above the pieces around him, we see the black king. We MOVE CLOSER TOWARDS his face, CLOSER TO his chiseled ebony features, CLOSER UNTIL we are staring into his cold black eyes... DISSOLVE TO: EXT. MARSH - SUNGLASSES - DUSK The red setting sun is reflected in the black lens. Two men are tromping through the calf-deep mud of an end- less marsh. It is fall, the first frost not far away and the foliage is brown and bare. With the red-orange ball of fire melting into the horizon, the two men at first appear as only silhouettes or shadows slogging through the mire. The man with the sunglasses walks behind the other man. He is very well-dressed in a dark suit. A .22 caliber gun, fitted with a long silencer, dangles from his hand. His name is ROBERT RATH. The other man is WILLIE KETCHAM. He is also wearing a very expensive suit though it is being destroyed by the brambles and mud. As he lifts his foot his Gucci shoe is sucked off by the mud. KETCHAM Aw-shit! He balances on one leg, holding his silk-socked foot in the air. He looks at the shoe, already filling with mud. He looks at Rath. KETCHAM How much farther? RATH Just a little ways. Up to those trees. About a half mile further into the thickening marsh there is a small cluster of trees. KETCHAM Oh, fuck it. He pulls his sock off and plunges his foot into the mud. He smiles. It feels good. He hurls the sock. Lifting his other foot he pulls his shoe off and hurls that. He grabs for the other sock, struggling to get it off, laughing at himself as he slips and falls into the mud. Rath waits, a faint smile. He manages to get the sock off and then stands digging both feet into the dark, wet earth. KETCHAM Hey, this feels kinda good. They move on, Ketcham almost playing, sinking his feet deep pulling them out to make a SPLURCHING, SUCKING NOISE. KETCHAM Hey, do you mind if I talk a little? I feel like, I don't know, talking I guess. RATH Sure. KETCHAM Funny, I've never been a talker. My wife was always getting on me about that. 'Say what you feel, tell me what's bothering you, you ve got to talk to me.' I never would though. Not really. RATH Why not? KETCHAM I don't know. Part of me wanted to but part of me always said, 'What's she going to be able to do?' I don't know. Maybe I didn't trust her. He picks up a handful of mud and begins shaping it like a snowball. KETCHAM My Margaret... I loved her but you know what? I cheated on her. All the time. I don't even know why. It wasn't the sex, Margaret was great in bed. I think if I wasn't married I wouldn't have even looked at some of those women. I knew she couldn't trust me, so how could I trust her? If she was here right now I'd think that I would tell her that I was sorry... 'course, if she were here right now, maybe I wouldn't feel like talking. He throws the mud ball at the grove of trees but they are too far. KETCHAM I think I've heard of you. RATH It's possible. KETCHAM You're pretty famous aren't you? RATH I hope not. KETCHAM I know this may seem like a strange question, but can I ask you how much the contract was for -- not to insult you or anything, I know you're a professional, but just for me, I was just wondering. RATH It's a common question. KETCHAM Oh yeah? I guess we still need to see that price tag. Like art, right? You hang some painting that looks like baby-puke in your living room only if it costs a bundle. RATH A dime. KETCHAM One hundred thousand? That's it? Jesus... Is that a lot? RATH Average. KETCHAM Shit... oh well. Ketcham laughs. KETCHAM I have been thinking about this for a long while. I knew this day was coming. I knew someday someone would make the call on me. I never thought about anyone that I had whacked. What do you call it anyway? RATH Taken. KETCHAM 'Taken.' That's nice. When I had someone taken I would call our General Contractor, transfer the money and as soon as I hung up the phone I forgot about them. RATH Everyone who plays the game knows the rules. KETCHAM That's exactly what I told myself. Ketcham laughs again. He is getting kind of giggly, like he's high. KETCHAM I always wondered what I'd be thinking at this exact moment. I imagined that I would be thinking about the fucker who contracted this, trying to figure out who it was... Something occurs to him and he looks back at Rath. RATH Don't know. That's how it works. KETCHAM That's what our General Contractor told us but how can you trust someone like that? RATH Right. KETCHAM I thought that I would be thinking about Margaret, or work, or that I'd be having these deep, profound and depressing thoughts but I'm not. I'm trying to think really profound thoughts, but I can't. It seems very funny to me. RATH What are you thinking about? KETCHAM I'm thinking about Moonpies. Ain't that funny? I haven't had a Moonpie since I was ten years old. Right now, I'm thinking how much I'd love one. RATH And an R.C. He's 'laughing' and Rath laughs with him. Ketcham suddenly stops laughing. They are nearly to the cluster of trees. KETCHAM Can I ask you something? RATH Go ahead. KETCHAM What do other guys do? He looks at the trees, his voice dying in the WIND. RATH Everyone handles it differently. Some are ready, some are not. KETCHAM Do they get down on their knees, begging and crying? RATH Some. KETCHAM When I thought about this, that was always there, in the back of my head, that image of me on my knees, crying. It wouldn't go away and it would really upset me. It was something that I could never get away from... but now, I feel it's okay. I feel good. RATH Can I ask you a question? KETCHAM Anything. RATH Why didn't you fade? KETCHAM You mean quit? RATH Yeah. KETCHAM I used to think about it. I had Margaret. She wanted kids. I thought about moving somewhere far away like, Europe. I could see all of that, the first part, the getting away but I couldn't see that next part. 'Then what?' So I'd stop thinking about it and go back to work. You understand? RATH Yeah. Ketcham smiles and looks around at the grove of birch trees. KETCHAM I always pictured that I would end in some land fill, under someone else's garbage. I kept picturing those plastic diapers filled with some baby's green shit, covering me. But this is nice... He looks at the sun, bloody red seeping into the black horizon. KETCHAM Look at that. I haven't watched the sun set in a million years. Do you mind? RATH No. Ketcham stares at the last of the light. KETCHAM Nice... real nice. With his face hidden from Rath he begins to cry. Rath watches Ketcham staring at the setting sun. Rath looks down at the gun limply held in his hand. When the sun is gone, a red glow at the bottom of a dark- ening sky, we hear the GUN, SILENCED, ONCE, then the BODY FALLING INTO THE MUD. After a beat we hear TWO MORE SHOTS. Ketcham is lying face down, already sinking into the mud, a red cloud mushrooming around his head like the red haze left by the dying sun. Rath breathes in deep and lets the air out slowly, stand- ing alone in the middle of nowhere. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT The room is dark and still. A man is standing at a wall of windows that glow from the amber wash of urban light. Snow is falling, heavy white flakes glittering in the city's electric night. The man finishes his bourbon, ICE CLINKING in the empty glass. He is slightly drunk and he sways forward until his forehead rests against the window. In the dim light, we recognize the man as Rath. Outside there is a beautiful stone church decorated for Christmas. He watches the snowflakes drift to the distant street below. He is wondering what it would feel like to let himself fall, when there is a KNOCK at the door. Crossing the room, he opens the door. Backlit by the bright hallway light is a WOMAN. She has already removed her coat and though she is only a silhouette we can see that her dress is very short and very tight. ESCORT (WOMAN) Hi. Did you call -- RATH Yes. Please come in. Her HIGH HEELS TAP against the tile foyer as she enters and he takes her coat. ESCORT Goodness, it's so dark... She reaches for the wall switch but he stops her. RATH I prefer it like this. ESCORT How can a beautiful man like you be shy? He smiles. RATH I prefer it, that's all. She moves closer to him, the sexual confidence of her body radiating like heat. ESCORT It's okay, honey. We can do it anyway you want. Rath is obviously uncomfortable. RATH Would you like a drink? ESCORT I'd love one. Whatever you're having. They move into the room, from a distance, as featureless as two shadows. She stands at the windows watching the snow-bubble of a city night. ESCORT Beautiful. He hands her the drink. Her smile is bright and perfect. ESCORT Good will towards men. Their glasses clink as he drains half his drink. If she drinks at all, we can not tell. RATH Why are you working today? ESCORT Holidays are our busiest days. No one likes to be alone on holidays. I know I don't. She touches his face, the caress and her expression of tenderness seemingly genuine. RATH You're very good at this aren't you? ESCORT I think you're supposed to answer that question. Her hand slides down his chest, but before it goes any farther Rath turns away, returning to the bar. RATH I know what you expect, but I don't want... He pours himself another drink. ESCORT That's okay, hon, I always expect the unexpected. RATH I called because I just want... I need to talk. She sits on the couch, her body language changing, as she becomes a listener. RATH I've been thinking about my life, about things I have done... What I do for a living is in some ways similiar to what you do. He sits on the other end of the couch, his words thickened by the alcohol. RATH I know that everything has a price. I want you to understand that I'm willing to pay. He takes out an envelope and puts it between them. She picks it up, glancing inside at a stack of hundred dollar bills. ESCORT For what? RATH Honesty. She puts the envelope down. RATH I just want to ask you some questions. Uncomfortable, she waits as he searches his drink for the right words. RATH Do you ever regret things you've done? ESCORT Everyone regrets something. RATH But when you finLsh a job, afterwards do you think about them? ESCORT Sometimes. RATH Do you think about their wives or their families? ESCORT No. They call me, I don't call them. If they didn't call I wouldn't exist. Rath nods. His next question is barely audible. RATH Do you ever think about starting over? ESCORT All the time. RATH Can you tell me about it? For the first time we really see her take a drink. She closes her eyes. ESCORT Sometimes I dream that I meet a man, this good, honest man and we fall in love. I imagine us living on a boat, reading books, sailing to places where no one knows who we were or cares what we did. She opens her eyes and looks at him. RATH And what if you never meet that man? She smiles. ESCORT Then, I'll sail alone. RATH Do you believe that? ESCORT Are you asking me if I believe in another life? Rath nods. ESCORT I have to. She finishes her drink. ESCORT Is that all you want? RATH Yes. She picks up the money and stands. RATH Thank you. ESCORT Anytime. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT It is the same room but now it is very cluttered, room service trays and empty liquor bottles tossed about. He has been here for a while. He is sitting at the table, staring intensely at a chess game; we see the board and all of the pieces set in the same positions as in the opening sequence. He rubs at the whiskers that have darkened his face and then finishes off another bottle of bourbon. He flings the empty bottle across the room as he reaches over the board and moves one of white knights, taking a black rook. A sequence begins, obvious, and he works through it moving both the black and white pieces. Suddenly he stops. He gets up and shifts to the other side of the board, studying the game from white's perspective. Another sequence emerges and he trades the pieces through it as he moves around the table, returning to his place behind the black king. The games reaches its end as black is check-mated. He slumps down onto the table and looks across at the white king. RATH Fuck you, Nick. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAWN Rath is at a desk where he has set up his computer office; a cellular phone is plugged into a modem with cables winding through a scrambler and then into a fax machine and the latest high-powered lap-top computer. On the table near the desk, we see the .22, dismantled and cleaned, spread out on a white towel. He types in a complicated access code sequence, then waits, staring at the blank screen. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Where have you been, Robert? RATH/SCREEN Sick. The flu. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I don't believe you. RATH I don't give a fuck -- RATH/SCREEN It's true. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I have been sitting on a contract from Cleveland for six days because of you. RATH Fuck you, fuck Cleveland, and fuck your contracts -- RATH/SCREEN I need a rest. CONTRACTOR/ SCREEN That's impossible, Robert. You're at the top of your field. These are the best contracts. To stop now would be self-destructive. He looks away from the screen and sees the chess game on the table. RATH/SCREEN Send the file. I'll have the estimate tonight. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I'm worried about you, Robert. RATH You fucking should be -- RATH/SCREEN Don't be. On the screen the word "Transmitting" appears. Rath slowly gets out of his chair. The FAX MACHINE CLICKS and HUXS to life as a photograph of a smiling, old Italian man curls onto the desk. Rath begins destroying the hotel room, smashing anything he can get his hands on. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAY Rath is in the middle of the room which he has demolished. Having showered and shaved, he is now standing naked, in the midst of the rubble, practicing the slow and graceful art of Tai Chi. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is working at the desk. He is tallying numbers, materials, totaling his estimate. Spread out over the table are several faxed photos of the old Italian, Leevio Valli, usually surrounded by bodyguards. The file details Valli's life and his daily routine. It includes: phone bills, credit card and bank account statements, driver license and vehicle registration, the real estate listing of his house and even a copy of his income tax return. Satisfied with his figures, Rath plugs the phone into the modem and makes a call. The network comes on-line as the General Contractor types: CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You're too late, Robert. Rath types. RATH/SCREEN What? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN The contract was stolen. Rath stares at the screen. RATH/SCREEN Who? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN A new player. He's using the name Nicholai. The name hits Rath and he sits, unable to breathe. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You know what must be done. The screen goes black as the network shuts down. Rath looks down at the pile of assembled facts. He lifts a credit card bill on which the name of a restaurant appears every Friday. The name of the restaurant has been circled in red pen by Rath: "Trattoria Roma." EXT. TRATTORIA ROMA - NIGHT A red awning spans the entrance of a popular Italian restaurant. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA It is a large establishment with many tables and booths. The dinner crowd is a mix of yuppies and older Italian families who have been eating here for years. Rath is sitting alone at a booth. With very subtle changes to his appearance, he looks like an older Italian. In front of him is a glass and a carafe of dark red wine. He touches neither of them. His eyes shift as he studies the room. LEEVIO VALLI pushes into the restaurant surrounded by five gorillas in Italian suits. The owner hurries to greet them, hugging, kissing, speaking only Italian. The entourage moves through the restaurant to the over- sized booth in the back. Rath does not look twice at them. Immediately he is watching everyone else, looking for the other assassin. Leevio slides into the booth as his goons stand and sit around the table, obscuring him from all parts of the room. A wine steward immediately brings a bottle of red wine and fills their glasses. A pretty waitress sets a steaming loaf of garlic bread out and a giant bowl of minestrone in front of Leevio. He tells her something and she giggles. They joke in Italian, watching her ass as she wiggles back to the kitchen. At Leevio's table the wine steward returns to fill their glasses. It is the goon standing against the wall that is the first to realize that it is not the same wine steward. He is the second assassin, much younger than Rath. His name is BAIN. He smiles. The goon reaches for his gun as -- Bain SHATTERS the BOTTLE of wine into his face. He screams. Leevio coughs a spray of minestrone, as a GUN flashes free from the white linen towel hung over the steward's arm. It happens instantly. FOUR SHOTS and the goons are dead. Leevio screams. LEEVIO Don't! A FIFTH, SIXTH and SEVENTH SHOT. Leevio's body falls forward and softly thuds on the table. Bain whips around drawing a small SEMI-AUTOMATIC WEAPON from his belt expecting an attack. Facing the screaming crowd, he begins to SHOOT anyone who moves or stands, men or women. There is chaos in the restaurant. People scream, falling to the ground, scrambling under tables. Bain is sweating, his eyes shifting wildly from one end of the room to the other. The restaurant falls quiet except for several people who are sobbing. He moves through the room, watching, searching. BAIN Don't anybody move. You move, you're dead. He passes the table Rath was sitting at, but it is empty. BAIN Come on, you chicken shit motherfucker. I know you're here. Let's go. EXT. CONCRETE PARKING GARAGE Across the street from Trattoria Roma, Rath jacks together a German assault rifle with night scope. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain looks out the window at the dark street. He turns and searches through the people huddled on the floor. He aims his gun. BAIN You! Get up! A quivering wine steward stands. He points to another. BAIN You, too! Up! EXT. PARKING GARAGE THROUGH the NIGHT SCOPE we see the front door to the restaurant open and a group of wine stewards clumped together slowly back out. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain is second from the end, both guns aimed at the stewards. One of them begins to cry. BAIN Not yet. Don't move or you're fucking dead. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath moves the scope back and forth, unable to pick out the assassin. RATH Shit. Just do them all. All of them. Shit. He can't pull the trigger. EXT. TRATTORIA STOREFRONT The group moves toward the street. BAIN Now run! Like dogs out of the gate, they bolt. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as they scatter, finding Bain in his scope. EXT. STREET A chunk of BRICK EXPLODES from the wall just behind Bain's head as he drops behind the row of parked cars along the curb. He laughs. We get the idea that Bain is enjoying this. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath looks over his scope, talking to himself. He is sweating. RATH Shit. What are you doing, old man? You're too fucking slow. He looks back into the scope and begins scanning the line of cars. RATH Okay. Which one? Which one is yours? EXT. CITY STREET Bain is crawling alongside the tightly parked cars, staying low and out of sight. He works his way up to a black Mercedes that is parked illegally next to a fire hydrant and takes out his keys. He hits the remote unlocking the doors. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath finds the fire hydrant in his scope, almost obscured by the parked Mercedes. RATH Amateur. He takes aim. EXT. CITY STREET Just as Bain starts to open the door, the front TIRE EXPLODES. Another second, the back TIRE EXPLODES. BAIN Fuck! INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath waits, steely calm, his finger on the trigger. RATH Your move. EXT. CITY STREET Bain hears the growing wail of POLICE SIRENS. Thinking for a moment, he opens the car door and pulls a long handled switchblade and a roll of electrician's tape from the glove compartment. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath sees the car light go on, but can't make out what Bain is doing. The SIRENS are GETTING LOUDER. There's a lot of them. EXT. CITY STREET Bain finishes taping the knife to his forearm and rolls his shirt sleeve down. From his pocket he takes out a Gameboy and begins playing "Tetris." INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as the police cars come racing down the street. EXT. CITY STREET The CARS SCREECH to a halt in front of the restaurant. The COPS jump out, drawing their weapons. Bain throws his guns down, raising his hands in the air. BAIN Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I give up! More CARS come SCREECHING up as the two officers hold their beads on Bain. COP Hit the ground! Face down! Spread your legs! Bain follows the orders as the second cop edges up to him, frisking him. In this position the Cop is unable to find the knife strapped to Bain's forearm, but finds the Gameboy. BAIN Hey, don't touch that! COP Shut up! The Cop twists Bain's arms behind his back, handcuffing him tightly. They drag him to his feet, a swarm of police and paramedics in the street. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath holds them in his cross hairs as they move to the police car, but is unable to get a clean shot. Bain is using the cops for cover, keeping his head low. RATH Son of a bitch. The Cops shove Bain into the back seat. Rath very quickly walks to his car, tossing his gun into the trunk. He gets in and STARTS the ENGINE. INT. PATROL CAR The two Officers are outside the car talking with the sergeant. Bain, laying low beneath the windows, peeks up at the shadowy parking garage. He smiles. The two Policemen get in the car, the second picking up the radio. The driver GUNS the ENGINE and the black and white RUMBLES down the street. COP #2 This is 181, returning with suspect involved in multiple shooting at Trattoria Roma. Repeat, en route with suspect. He hangs up the radio and looks back at Bain through the metal caging. COP #2 Jesus Christ, do you know who you shot in there? Bain almost laughs. COP #2 What are you? Some kind of a hitman? Bain looks out the window. COP #2 You know what we call guys like you? Bain looks at him. COP #2 Sizzle lean. They're gonna fry your ass. He laughs at his own joke, looking at his partner, who chuckles. EXT. CITY STREET Rath's car races down the street trying to catch up with the patrol car. INT. PATROL CAR Bain stares out the window, silent. Behind his back, he takes hold of his left thumb with his right hand. The Cop is playing with the Gameboy. With a quick jerk, he yanks the thumb out of its socket. His expression remains perfectly blank. The thumb hangs unnaturally from the hand. The skin stretches strangely as he pulls the metal cuff from his wrist. The Cop turns as the SWITCHBLADE CLICKS and Bain sticks the knife through the wire mesh, into the cop's eye. A font of blood arcs onto the windshield. Grabbing hold of the driver's shirt collar, Bain jabs the blade into the back of his neck. The driver screams trying to pull free of Bain's grip. He slams on the brakes, groping for his gun and the CAR SKIDS out of control. Bain stabs the Cop again, his GUN FIRING WILDLY as -- The patrol car starts to flip and roll. INT. RATH'S CAR Rath turns as he hears an EXPLOSION, several blocks away. The TIRES SQUEAL as he makes a hard right. EXT. STREET Orange flames lick up from the belly of the overturned patrol car. Oil black clouds billow into the night sky. Rath's car cruises past. Rath sees the back seat window shattered, kicked out. Bain is gone. RATH I'm not done yet. EXT. CITY STREET INTERSECTION A brand new cab is sitting at a red light. The cabby looks into the rearview mirror, as a pair of headlights roll up behind him. The car gets closer, the lights brighter; they don't stop. He shrieks as the CAR SMASHES INTO HIS, TEARING OFF HIS BUMPER. The cabby jumps out, rattling off a string of obscenities. Rath gets out of the white car, starting to apologize, as the cabby moves toward him. When he's close enough, Rath decks him, knocking him unconscious. He picks him up and puts him in the white car. Rath then gets in the cab and when the light changes to green, he drives off. INT. CAB Rath circles the area, turning up the cab's CB. A couple of CALLS CRACKLE through the speaker, before he hears what he's waiting for; an airport fare in this area. At the intersection of Adams and Nine. He picks up the mike. RATH This is 1242. I got it. EXT. ADAMS AND NINE It is a deserted intersection. The buildings are dark and some of the street lights are out. The cab sits by itself, ENGINE RUNNING, its taillights glowing through the exhaust. INT. CAB Rath holds his gun cocked beneath his coat. His other hand grips the door handle. As he waits, watching the intersection, he notices the cabby's ID pinned to the dashboard. Leaving the gun in his jacket, he reaches for the ID card. He rips it from the dash and as he drops it under the seat, the door behind him opens. Someone gets in and closes the door. Rath peers into the rearview mirror. It is Bain. For the first time we realize that the front and back of the cab is separated by an inch of bullet proof glass. There is an awkward silence as Rath sits, unsure. Bain looks at him. BAIN Is there a problem? RATH No. No problem. The airport, right? BAIN Right. The cab pulls out of the intersection. INT. CAB Rath studies Bain. There is a thin line of blood down his temple. Bain is oblivious to it and pulls out his Gameboy, resuming his game of Tetris. RATH How'd you cut yourself? Their voices are distorted through the small electric amplifier set in the bullet proof glass near the metal money exchanger. Bain touches the blood on his forehead, looking at it a bit surprised. BAIN Oh? Working. A little accident. He wipes it off as best he can. RATH You a waiter? You look like a waiter. Bain is uninterested. BAIN Yeah. Yeah, I'm a waiter. RATH Where?

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Assassins Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS "Assassins", early draft, by Larry & Andy Wachowski ASSASSINS Written by Larry and Andy Wachowski August 12, 1994 FADE IN: PERFECT SQUARE OF BLACK We know that we are looking at something because its polished surface shimmers with light. PULLING BACK, other squares are revealed; the black and white tiles of a chess board. The board rises and spins, slipping beneath us we find ourselves MOVING ACROSS the board, MOVING THROUGH a chess game. The pieces are everywhere, checking and covering other pieces. It has reached that critical moment when pieces are traded and the board begins to clear as two strategies unravel towards a final outcome. Standing above the pieces around him, we see the black king. We MOVE CLOSER TOWARDS his face, CLOSER TO his chiseled ebony features, CLOSER UNTIL we are staring into his cold black eyes... DISSOLVE TO: EXT. MARSH - SUNGLASSES - DUSK The red setting sun is reflected in the black lens. Two men are tromping through the calf-deep mud of an end- less marsh. It is fall, the first frost not far away and the foliage is brown and bare. With the red-orange ball of fire melting into the horizon, the two men at first appear as only silhouettes or shadows slogging through the mire. The man with the sunglasses walks behind the other man. He is very well-dressed in a dark suit. A .22 caliber gun, fitted with a long silencer, dangles from his hand. His name is ROBERT RATH. The other man is WILLIE KETCHAM. He is also wearing a very expensive suit though it is being destroyed by the brambles and mud. As he lifts his foot his Gucci shoe is sucked off by the mud. KETCHAM Aw-shit! He balances on one leg, holding his silk-socked foot in the air. He looks at the shoe, already filling with mud. He looks at Rath. KETCHAM How much farther? RATH Just a little ways. Up to those trees. About a half mile further into the thickening marsh there is a small cluster of trees. KETCHAM Oh, fuck it. He pulls his sock off and plunges his foot into the mud. He smiles. It feels good. He hurls the sock. Lifting his other foot he pulls his shoe off and hurls that. He grabs for the other sock, struggling to get it off, laughing at himself as he slips and falls into the mud. Rath waits, a faint smile. He manages to get the sock off and then stands digging both feet into the dark, wet earth. KETCHAM Hey, this feels kinda good. They move on, Ketcham almost playing, sinking his feet deep pulling them out to make a SPLURCHING, SUCKING NOISE. KETCHAM Hey, do you mind if I talk a little? I feel like, I don't know, talking I guess. RATH Sure. KETCHAM Funny, I've never been a talker. My wife was always getting on me about that. 'Say what you feel, tell me what's bothering you, you ve got to talk to me.' I never would though. Not really. RATH Why not? KETCHAM I don't know. Part of me wanted to but part of me always said, 'What's she going to be able to do?' I don't know. Maybe I didn't trust her. He picks up a handful of mud and begins shaping it like a snowball. KETCHAM My Margaret... I loved her but you know what? I cheated on her. All the time. I don't even know why. It wasn't the sex, Margaret was great in bed. I think if I wasn't married I wouldn't have even looked at some of those women. I knew she couldn't trust me, so how could I trust her? If she was here right now I'd think that I would tell her that I was sorry... 'course, if she were here right now, maybe I wouldn't feel like talking. He throws the mud ball at the grove of trees but they are too far. KETCHAM I think I've heard of you. RATH It's possible. KETCHAM You're pretty famous aren't you? RATH I hope not. KETCHAM I know this may seem like a strange question, but can I ask you how much the contract was for -- not to insult you or anything, I know you're a professional, but just for me, I was just wondering. RATH It's a common question. KETCHAM Oh yeah? I guess we still need to see that price tag. Like art, right? You hang some painting that looks like baby-puke in your living room only if it costs a bundle. RATH A dime. KETCHAM One hundred thousand? That's it? Jesus... Is that a lot? RATH Average. KETCHAM Shit... oh well. Ketcham laughs. KETCHAM I have been thinking about this for a long while. I knew this day was coming. I knew someday someone would make the call on me. I never thought about anyone that I had whacked. What do you call it anyway? RATH Taken. KETCHAM 'Taken.' That's nice. When I had someone taken I would call our General Contractor, transfer the money and as soon as I hung up the phone I forgot about them. RATH Everyone who plays the game knows the rules. KETCHAM That's exactly what I told myself. Ketcham laughs again. He is getting kind of giggly, like he's high. KETCHAM I always wondered what I'd be thinking at this exact moment. I imagined that I would be thinking about the fucker who contracted this, trying to figure out who it was... Something occurs to him and he looks back at Rath. RATH Don't know. That's how it works. KETCHAM That's what our General Contractor told us but how can you trust someone like that? RATH Right. KETCHAM I thought that I would be thinking about Margaret, or work, or that I'd be having these deep, profound and depressing thoughts but I'm not. I'm trying to think really profound thoughts, but I can't. It seems very funny to me. RATH What are you thinking about? KETCHAM I'm thinking about Moonpies. Ain't that funny? I haven't had a Moonpie since I was ten years old. Right now, I'm thinking how much I'd love one. RATH And an R.C. He's 'laughing' and Rath laughs with him. Ketcham suddenly stops laughing. They are nearly to the cluster of trees. KETCHAM Can I ask you something? RATH Go ahead. KETCHAM What do other guys do? He looks at the trees, his voice dying in the WIND. RATH Everyone handles it differently. Some are ready, some are not. KETCHAM Do they get down on their knees, begging and crying? RATH Some. KETCHAM When I thought about this, that was always there, in the back of my head, that image of me on my knees, crying. It wouldn't go away and it would really upset me. It was something that I could never get away from... but now, I feel it's okay. I feel good. RATH Can I ask you a question? KETCHAM Anything. RATH Why didn't you fade? KETCHAM You mean quit? RATH Yeah. KETCHAM I used to think about it. I had Margaret. She wanted kids. I thought about moving somewhere far away like, Europe. I could see all of that, the first part, the getting away but I couldn't see that next part. 'Then what?' So I'd stop thinking about it and go back to work. You understand? RATH Yeah. Ketcham smiles and looks around at the grove of birch trees. KETCHAM I always pictured that I would end in some land fill, under someone else's garbage. I kept picturing those plastic diapers filled with some baby's green shit, covering me. But this is nice... He looks at the sun, bloody red seeping into the black horizon. KETCHAM Look at that. I haven't watched the sun set in a million years. Do you mind? RATH No. Ketcham stares at the last of the light. KETCHAM Nice... real nice. With his face hidden from Rath he begins to cry. Rath watches Ketcham staring at the setting sun. Rath looks down at the gun limply held in his hand. When the sun is gone, a red glow at the bottom of a dark- ening sky, we hear the GUN, SILENCED, ONCE, then the BODY FALLING INTO THE MUD. After a beat we hear TWO MORE SHOTS. Ketcham is lying face down, already sinking into the mud, a red cloud mushrooming around his head like the red haze left by the dying sun. Rath breathes in deep and lets the air out slowly, stand- ing alone in the middle of nowhere. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT The room is dark and still. A man is standing at a wall of windows that glow from the amber wash of urban light. Snow is falling, heavy white flakes glittering in the city's electric night. The man finishes his bourbon, ICE CLINKING in the empty glass. He is slightly drunk and he sways forward until his forehead rests against the window. In the dim light, we recognize the man as Rath. Outside there is a beautiful stone church decorated for Christmas. He watches the snowflakes drift to the distant street below. He is wondering what it would feel like to let himself fall, when there is a KNOCK at the door. Crossing the room, he opens the door. Backlit by the bright hallway light is a WOMAN. She has already removed her coat and though she is only a silhouette we can see that her dress is very short and very tight. ESCORT (WOMAN) Hi. Did you call -- RATH Yes. Please come in. Her HIGH HEELS TAP against the tile foyer as she enters and he takes her coat. ESCORT Goodness, it's so dark... She reaches for the wall switch but he stops her. RATH I prefer it like this. ESCORT How can a beautiful man like you be shy? He smiles. RATH I prefer it, that's all. She moves closer to him, the sexual confidence of her body radiating like heat. ESCORT It's okay, honey. We can do it anyway you want. Rath is obviously uncomfortable. RATH Would you like a drink? ESCORT I'd love one. Whatever you're having. They move into the room, from a distance, as featureless as two shadows. She stands at the windows watching the snow-bubble of a city night. ESCORT Beautiful. He hands her the drink. Her smile is bright and perfect. ESCORT Good will towards men. Their glasses clink as he drains half his drink. If she drinks at all, we can not tell. RATH Why are you working today? ESCORT Holidays are our busiest days. No one likes to be alone on holidays. I know I don't. She touches his face, the caress and her expression of tenderness seemingly genuine. RATH You're very good at this aren't you? ESCORT I think you're supposed to answer that question. Her hand slides down his chest, but before it goes any farther Rath turns away, returning to the bar. RATH I know what you expect, but I don't want... He pours himself another drink. ESCORT That's okay, hon, I always expect the unexpected. RATH I called because I just want... I need to talk. She sits on the couch, her body language changing, as she becomes a listener. RATH I've been thinking about my life, about things I have done... What I do for a living is in some ways similiar to what you do. He sits on the other end of the couch, his words thickened by the alcohol. RATH I know that everything has a price. I want you to understand that I'm willing to pay. He takes out an envelope and puts it between them. She picks it up, glancing inside at a stack of hundred dollar bills. ESCORT For what? RATH Honesty. She puts the envelope down. RATH I just want to ask you some questions. Uncomfortable, she waits as he searches his drink for the right words. RATH Do you ever regret things you've done? ESCORT Everyone regrets something. RATH But when you finLsh a job, afterwards do you think about them? ESCORT Sometimes. RATH Do you think about their wives or their families? ESCORT No. They call me, I don't call them. If they didn't call I wouldn't exist. Rath nods. His next question is barely audible. RATH Do you ever think about starting over? ESCORT All the time. RATH Can you tell me about it? For the first time we really see her take a drink. She closes her eyes. ESCORT Sometimes I dream that I meet a man, this good, honest man and we fall in love. I imagine us living on a boat, reading books, sailing to places where no one knows who we were or cares what we did. She opens her eyes and looks at him. RATH And what if you never meet that man? She smiles. ESCORT Then, I'll sail alone. RATH Do you believe that? ESCORT Are you asking me if I believe in another life? Rath nods. ESCORT I have to. She finishes her drink. ESCORT Is that all you want? RATH Yes. She picks up the money and stands. RATH Thank you. ESCORT Anytime. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT It is the same room but now it is very cluttered, room service trays and empty liquor bottles tossed about. He has been here for a while. He is sitting at the table, staring intensely at a chess game; we see the board and all of the pieces set in the same positions as in the opening sequence. He rubs at the whiskers that have darkened his face and then finishes off another bottle of bourbon. He flings the empty bottle across the room as he reaches over the board and moves one of white knights, taking a black rook. A sequence begins, obvious, and he works through it moving both the black and white pieces. Suddenly he stops. He gets up and shifts to the other side of the board, studying the game from white's perspective. Another sequence emerges and he trades the pieces through it as he moves around the table, returning to his place behind the black king. The games reaches its end as black is check-mated. He slumps down onto the table and looks across at the white king. RATH Fuck you, Nick. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAWN Rath is at a desk where he has set up his computer office; a cellular phone is plugged into a modem with cables winding through a scrambler and then into a fax machine and the latest high-powered lap-top computer. On the table near the desk, we see the .22, dismantled and cleaned, spread out on a white towel. He types in a complicated access code sequence, then waits, staring at the blank screen. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Where have you been, Robert? RATH/SCREEN Sick. The flu. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I don't believe you. RATH I don't give a fuck -- RATH/SCREEN It's true. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I have been sitting on a contract from Cleveland for six days because of you. RATH Fuck you, fuck Cleveland, and fuck your contracts -- RATH/SCREEN I need a rest. CONTRACTOR/ SCREEN That's impossible, Robert. You're at the top of your field. These are the best contracts. To stop now would be self-destructive. He looks away from the screen and sees the chess game on the table. RATH/SCREEN Send the file. I'll have the estimate tonight. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I'm worried about you, Robert. RATH You fucking should be -- RATH/SCREEN Don't be. On the screen the word "Transmitting" appears. Rath slowly gets out of his chair. The FAX MACHINE CLICKS and HUXS to life as a photograph of a smiling, old Italian man curls onto the desk. Rath begins destroying the hotel room, smashing anything he can get his hands on. INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAY Rath is in the middle of the room which he has demolished. Having showered and shaved, he is now standing naked, in the midst of the rubble, practicing the slow and graceful art of Tai Chi. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is working at the desk. He is tallying numbers, materials, totaling his estimate. Spread out over the table are several faxed photos of the old Italian, Leevio Valli, usually surrounded by bodyguards. The file details Valli's life and his daily routine. It includes: phone bills, credit card and bank account statements, driver license and vehicle registration, the real estate listing of his house and even a copy of his income tax return. Satisfied with his figures, Rath plugs the phone into the modem and makes a call. The network comes on-line as the General Contractor types: CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You're too late, Robert. Rath types. RATH/SCREEN What? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN The contract was stolen. Rath stares at the screen. RATH/SCREEN Who? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN A new player. He's using the name Nicholai. The name hits Rath and he sits, unable to breathe. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN You know what must be done. The screen goes black as the network shuts down. Rath looks down at the pile of assembled facts. He lifts a credit card bill on which the name of a restaurant appears every Friday. The name of the restaurant has been circled in red pen by Rath: "Trattoria Roma." EXT. TRATTORIA ROMA - NIGHT A red awning spans the entrance of a popular Italian restaurant. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA It is a large establishment with many tables and booths. The dinner crowd is a mix of yuppies and older Italian families who have been eating here for years. Rath is sitting alone at a booth. With very subtle changes to his appearance, he looks like an older Italian. In front of him is a glass and a carafe of dark red wine. He touches neither of them. His eyes shift as he studies the room. LEEVIO VALLI pushes into the restaurant surrounded by five gorillas in Italian suits. The owner hurries to greet them, hugging, kissing, speaking only Italian. The entourage moves through the restaurant to the over- sized booth in the back. Rath does not look twice at them. Immediately he is watching everyone else, looking for the other assassin. Leevio slides into the booth as his goons stand and sit around the table, obscuring him from all parts of the room. A wine steward immediately brings a bottle of red wine and fills their glasses. A pretty waitress sets a steaming loaf of garlic bread out and a giant bowl of minestrone in front of Leevio. He tells her something and she giggles. They joke in Italian, watching her ass as she wiggles back to the kitchen. At Leevio's table the wine steward returns to fill their glasses. It is the goon standing against the wall that is the first to realize that it is not the same wine steward. He is the second assassin, much younger than Rath. His name is BAIN. He smiles. The goon reaches for his gun as -- Bain SHATTERS the BOTTLE of wine into his face. He screams. Leevio coughs a spray of minestrone, as a GUN flashes free from the white linen towel hung over the steward's arm. It happens instantly. FOUR SHOTS and the goons are dead. Leevio screams. LEEVIO Don't! A FIFTH, SIXTH and SEVENTH SHOT. Leevio's body falls forward and softly thuds on the table. Bain whips around drawing a small SEMI-AUTOMATIC WEAPON from his belt expecting an attack. Facing the screaming crowd, he begins to SHOOT anyone who moves or stands, men or women. There is chaos in the restaurant. People scream, falling to the ground, scrambling under tables. Bain is sweating, his eyes shifting wildly from one end of the room to the other. The restaurant falls quiet except for several people who are sobbing. He moves through the room, watching, searching. BAIN Don't anybody move. You move, you're dead. He passes the table Rath was sitting at, but it is empty. BAIN Come on, you chicken shit motherfucker. I know you're here. Let's go. EXT. CONCRETE PARKING GARAGE Across the street from Trattoria Roma, Rath jacks together a German assault rifle with night scope. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain looks out the window at the dark street. He turns and searches through the people huddled on the floor. He aims his gun. BAIN You! Get up! A quivering wine steward stands. He points to another. BAIN You, too! Up! EXT. PARKING GARAGE THROUGH the NIGHT SCOPE we see the front door to the restaurant open and a group of wine stewards clumped together slowly back out. INT. TRATTORIA ROMA Bain is second from the end, both guns aimed at the stewards. One of them begins to cry. BAIN Not yet. Don't move or you're fucking dead. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath moves the scope back and forth, unable to pick out the assassin. RATH Shit. Just do them all. All of them. Shit. He can't pull the trigger. EXT. TRATTORIA STOREFRONT The group moves toward the street. BAIN Now run! Like dogs out of the gate, they bolt. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as they scatter, finding Bain in his scope. EXT. STREET A chunk of BRICK EXPLODES from the wall just behind Bain's head as he drops behind the row of parked cars along the curb. He laughs. We get the idea that Bain is enjoying this. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath looks over his scope, talking to himself. He is sweating. RATH Shit. What are you doing, old man? You're too fucking slow. He looks back into the scope and begins scanning the line of cars. RATH Okay. Which one? Which one is yours? EXT. CITY STREET Bain is crawling alongside the tightly parked cars, staying low and out of sight. He works his way up to a black Mercedes that is parked illegally next to a fire hydrant and takes out his keys. He hits the remote unlocking the doors. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath finds the fire hydrant in his scope, almost obscured by the parked Mercedes. RATH Amateur. He takes aim. EXT. CITY STREET Just as Bain starts to open the door, the front TIRE EXPLODES. Another second, the back TIRE EXPLODES. BAIN Fuck! INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath waits, steely calm, his finger on the trigger. RATH Your move. EXT. CITY STREET Bain hears the growing wail of POLICE SIRENS. Thinking for a moment, he opens the car door and pulls a long handled switchblade and a roll of electrician's tape from the glove compartment. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath sees the car light go on, but can't make out what Bain is doing. The SIRENS are GETTING LOUDER. There's a lot of them. EXT. CITY STREET Bain finishes taping the knife to his forearm and rolls his shirt sleeve down. From his pocket he takes out a Gameboy and begins playing "Tetris." INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath watches as the police cars come racing down the street. EXT. CITY STREET The CARS SCREECH to a halt in front of the restaurant. The COPS jump out, drawing their weapons. Bain throws his guns down, raising his hands in the air. BAIN Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I give up! More CARS come SCREECHING up as the two officers hold their beads on Bain. COP Hit the ground! Face down! Spread your legs! Bain follows the orders as the second cop edges up to him, frisking him. In this position the Cop is unable to find the knife strapped to Bain's forearm, but finds the Gameboy. BAIN Hey, don't touch that! COP Shut up! The Cop twists Bain's arms behind his back, handcuffing him tightly. They drag him to his feet, a swarm of police and paramedics in the street. INT. PARKING GARAGE Rath holds them in his cross hairs as they move to the police car, but is unable to get a clean shot. Bain is using the cops for cover, keeping his head low. RATH Son of a bitch. The Cops shove Bain into the back seat. Rath very quickly walks to his car, tossing his gun into the trunk. He gets in and STARTS the ENGINE. INT. PATROL CAR The two Officers are outside the car talking with the sergeant. Bain, laying low beneath the windows, peeks up at the shadowy parking garage. He smiles. The two Policemen get in the car, the second picking up the radio. The driver GUNS the ENGINE and the black and white RUMBLES down the street. COP #2 This is 181, returning with suspect involved in multiple shooting at Trattoria Roma. Repeat, en route with suspect. He hangs up the radio and looks back at Bain through the metal caging. COP #2 Jesus Christ, do you know who you shot in there? Bain almost laughs. COP #2 What are you? Some kind of a hitman? Bain looks out the window. COP #2 You know what we call guys like you? Bain looks at him. COP #2 Sizzle lean. They're gonna fry your ass. He laughs at his own joke, looking at his partner, who chuckles. EXT. CITY STREET Rath's car races down the street trying to catch up with the patrol car. INT. PATROL CAR Bain stares out the window, silent. Behind his back, he takes hold of his left thumb with his right hand. The Cop is playing with the Gameboy. With a quick jerk, he yanks the thumb out of its socket. His expression remains perfectly blank. The thumb hangs unnaturally from the hand. The skin stretches strangely as he pulls the metal cuff from his wrist. The Cop turns as the SWITCHBLADE CLICKS and Bain sticks the knife through the wire mesh, into the cop's eye. A font of blood arcs onto the windshield. Grabbing hold of the driver's shirt collar, Bain jabs the blade into the back of his neck. The driver screams trying to pull free of Bain's grip. He slams on the brakes, groping for his gun and the CAR SKIDS out of control. Bain stabs the Cop again, his GUN FIRING WILDLY as -- The patrol car starts to flip and roll. INT. RATH'S CAR Rath turns as he hears an EXPLOSION, several blocks away. The TIRES SQUEAL as he makes a hard right. EXT. STREET Orange flames lick up from the belly of the overturned patrol car. Oil black clouds billow into the night sky. Rath's car cruises past. Rath sees the back seat window shattered, kicked out. Bain is gone. RATH I'm not done yet. EXT. CITY STREET INTERSECTION A brand new cab is sitting at a red light. The cabby looks into the rearview mirror, as a pair of headlights roll up behind him. The car gets closer, the lights brighter; they don't stop. He shrieks as the CAR SMASHES INTO HIS, TEARING OFF HIS BUMPER. The cabby jumps out, rattling off a string of obscenities. Rath gets out of the white car, starting to apologize, as the cabby moves toward him. When he's close enough, Rath decks him, knocking him unconscious. He picks him up and puts him in the white car. Rath then gets in the cab and when the light changes to green, he drives off. INT. CAB Rath circles the area, turning up the cab's CB. A couple of CALLS CRACKLE through the speaker, before he hears what he's waiting for; an airport fare in this area. At the intersection of Adams and Nine. He picks up the mike. RATH This is 1242. I got it. EXT. ADAMS AND NINE It is a deserted intersection. The buildings are dark and some of the street lights are out. The cab sits by itself, ENGINE RUNNING, its taillights glowing through the exhaust. INT. CAB Rath holds his gun cocked beneath his coat. His other hand grips the door handle. As he waits, watching the intersection, he notices the cabby's ID pinned to the dashboard. Leaving the gun in his jacket, he reaches for the ID card. He rips it from the dash and as he drops it under the seat, the door behind him opens. Someone gets in and closes the door. Rath peers into the rearview mirror. It is Bain. For the first time we realize that the front and back of the cab is separated by an inch of bullet proof glass. There is an awkward silence as Rath sits, unsure. Bain looks at him. BAIN Is there a problem? RATH No. No problem. The airport, right? BAIN Right. The cab pulls out of the intersection. INT. CAB Rath studies Bain. There is a thin line of blood down his temple. Bain is oblivious to it and pulls out his Gameboy, resuming his game of Tetris. RATH How'd you cut yourself? Their voices are distorted through the small electric amplifier set in the bullet proof glass near the metal money exchanger. Bain touches the blood on his forehead, looking at it a bit surprised. BAIN Oh? Working. A little accident. He wipes it off as best he can. RATH You a waiter? You look like a waiter. Bain is uninterested. BAIN Yeah. Yeah, I'm a waiter. RATH Where?

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Austin Powers - The Spy Who Shagged Me Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME By Mike Myers MUSIC: timpani roll and dramatic sting NARRATOR In his last adventure, Austin Powers, a swinging spy from the Sixties, was unfrozen in the Nineties to battle his archenemy Dr. Evil. Austin foiled Dr. Evil's plan to send a nuclear warhead to the center of the earth and banished him into space forever. Or so he thought. EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT (ESTABLISHING SHOT FROM FIRST MOVIE) SUPER: THE FRENCH RIVIERA INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY Elegant double doors with a brass plaque reading "Honeymoon Suite." A "Do Not-Disturb" sign hangs from the handle. INT. HOTEL SUITE FROM THE FIRST MOVIE: Austin and Vanessa snuggle in bed. She plays with his chest hair. VANESSA I love you, Mr. Powers. AUSTIN And I love you, Mrs. Powers. SHOT TO MATCH EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin gets out of bed. We see Vanessa putting on her robe from behind, and then EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa kiss. VANESSA Let's go out on the terrace. It's a beautiful night, we can look at the stars. EXT. HOTEL BALCONY EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa gaze at the stars. AUSTIN Look how beautiful the night sky is. VANESSA Isn't that the big dipper? AUSTIN Yeah, and that looks just like Uranus. VANESSA Austin! AUSTIN (sheepish) Well, you know. VANESSA Hey, I've never seen that big star before. AUSTIN Yeah, what is that? Austin pulls out his telescope and takes a look. AUSTIN'S POV - TELESCOPE EFFECT EXT. SPACE EXISTING SHOT: The Bob's Big Boy rocket. INT. DR. EVIL'S CAPSULE DR. EVIL This isn't over yet, Mr. Powers. I have one more trick up my sleeve, don't I Mr. Bigglesworth? The frozen Mr. Bigglesworth MEOWS. EXT. SPACE The Bob's Big Boy rocket. Suddenly, a hatch opens in Bob's rear end and Dr. Evil's silver egg capsule poops out. SFX: PLOOP! Capsule begins fiery re-entry to Earth INT. HOTEL ROOM Austin comes in and shuts the balcony door. AUSTIN Oh well, I guess it was nothing. A VANESSA DOUBLE crosses carrying a bouquet of flowers, which obscure her face. AUSTIN Care for some champagne? (pouring) Here's to monotony-- I mean, monogamy! Vanessa sits at the vanity with her back turned. AUSTIN Hello? Vanessa? What are you doing, luv? VANESSA (back turned) Just putting on my-- As Vanessa turns around she puts her hands up and PULLS OFF HER FACE revealing wires, transistors, and a speaker where her mouth should be. FEMBOT VANESSA (computer voice) MAKE-UP! AUSTIN (frightened) Vanessa, you're a Fembot! They fight. Midway through the fight, machine guns pop out of Vanessa's breasts. AUSTIN Machine gun jubblies, how did I miss those? VANESSA (robot voice) PERHAPS NEXT TIME YOU SHOULD TRY FOREPLAY. Her machine gun breasts FIRE, spraying the room in SLO-MO. Then they run out of ammo and CLICK, CLICK. Austin empties his gun into the robot, but to no avail. She rushes at him, he gives her a judo chop, also to no avail. Then Austin' notices a SELF-DESTRUCT switch and hits it. She starts to twitch, her head spins, and she EXPLODES. Fembot parts fly around the room. Austin sits on the bed, saddened. He holds Vanessa's hand, which has wires hanging out of it. On one of the fingers is her wedding ring. MUSIC: VERY SAD PIANO AUSTIN (very sad) I can't believe Vanessa, my bride, my one true love, the woman who taught me the beauty of sharing your whole life with another, the person who taught me the meaning of love, was a Fembot. How will I ever go on? (beat) Wait a tic! That means I'm single! Oh, behave! INT. LOBBY - HOTEL Rich European guests mill about the luxurious lobby. Suddenly, Austin dances through naked. Just as we are about to see his bits and pieces, a man lifts up his suitcase. AUSTIN Yeah, baby, I'm free! I'm naked and free! SEQUENCE CREDIT MUSIC: Soul Bassanova by QUINCY JONES PAN UP Austin's NAKED body as he walks down a boardwalk. Just as the camera reaches that most sensitive of areas, a credit appears STARRING MIKE MYERS. Austin gives a big 'who me?' and we FREEZE FRAME. EXT. BOARDWALK - FRENCH RIVERA European types stare and point. We see Austin from behind. His bottom half is blocked by a bicycle. The bicycle moves away. Just as Austin's bum is about to be revealed- A CREDIT APPEARS blocking it. Austin turns his head around to the camera and puts his hand to his mouth in an 'oh my!' take and we FREEZE FRAME. A MAN IN A RAINCOAT flashes Austin, his thingy blocked by a credit. Austin just laughs...crazy, man! Austin goes around a corner. A moment later he returns, followed by a NUDE MARCHING BAND. A SIGN on the left side of the screen reads "Warning! Nude Beach". Austin enters from the left. We see his naked, hairy torso from the waist up. Just as he is about to appear from behind the sign, a... CREDIT APPEARS MOVING LEFT TO RIGHT Blocking his penis lengthwise as he walks. NUDE BEACH - CREDIT SEQUENCE A girl sits on a blanket; a HORIZONTAL CREDIT blocks her bare chest. Austin lays on his back beside her, trying to be suave; A VERTICAL CREDIT appears. The wind blows away a kite, revealing a stark-naked girl. The credit "PRODUCTION DESIGN" blocks her chest; the credit "BY" blocks her you-know-what. Austin walks into frame; the "PRODUCTION DESIGNER'S NAME" disguises his growing interest. Austin joins a nude volleyball game in progress. CREDITS appear everywhere to block all possible combinations of nudity. People leap in all directions to make saves, causing CREDITS TO APPEAR at crazy angles. A pretty girl watches Austin lift weights. Her boobs are blocked by the "WRITTEN BY" credit. Austin lifts a dumbbell. The credit "MIKE MYERS" sticks out from his waist. Austin looks proud. A BUFF NAKED BODYBUILDER joins them. He lifts a much heavier weight. A much longer credit sticks out from his waist: "AND MICHAEL MCCULLERS". Austin pouts. Austin runs down the beach, his bum blocked by the credit "DIRECTED BY". He jumps on a trampoline and does the splits in mid-air: FREEZE FRAME AND PAN AROUND LIKE IN THE GAP "KHAKI SWING" AD. Austin smiles crazily, his penis blocked by "JAY ROACH." Austin does a super-duper double flip into his JAGUAR. AUSTIN Shaguar, baby, yeah! CU on the chrome script on the grill: it reads "Shaguar" where it would normally read "Jaguar". The car speeds off. FULL SCREEN TV JERRY SPRINGER SHOW On the stage we see a Klansman father and his Klansman son, a Nazi father and his Nazi son, and SCOTT EVIL all seated on a panel. Lower Third Chyron: "MY FATHER IS EVIL AND WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" JERRY SPRINGER If you just joined us, today's topic is "my father is evil and wants to take over the world". Now, Bobby, you had something you wanted to share with your father before the break. BOBBY Dad, I know you're against race mixing and all that, but I met someone... KLANSMAN Don't say it! The crowd WHOOPS. BOBBY I met someone... and he's black. The crowd goes crazy. KLANSMAN He? The Klansman holds his hooded head in his hands. JERRY SPRINGER Please welcome Tim. A handsome Blair Underwood look-alike enters and hugs the Klansman's son. The crowd screams. JERRY MOVES TO SCOTT EVIL. JERRY SPRINGER Now Scott, tell us about your father. Share with us. SCOTT Well he's the head of an evil organization that has aspirations for world domination. JERRY SPRINGER And where is your father right now? SCOTT He's in outer space, like frozen in a giant egg and stuffed inside a Big Boy rocket with his cat, Mr. Bigglesworth. JERRY SPRINGER Really? Well, we have a surprise for you, Scott. Let's bring out SCOTT'S father, Dr Evil. Dr Evil enters. Lower Third Chyron: "WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" DR. EVIL Hello Scott, I'm back. SCOTT I can't believe you'd do this to me on national television! DR. EVIL They offered me a free makeover. JERRY SPRINGER Dr. Evil, we've seen a lot of the fathers here today open up to their sons, sons to the fathers. Is there anything you'd like to share? DR. EVIL Share? JERRY SPRINGER Yes, don't you have any secrets? DR. EVIL OK. I have a vestigial tail. Everyone is a little grossed out. DR. EVIL It's more of a nub, really. The spine just goes on a little longer than it should. Also, I've dabbled. I mean, perform fellatio once and you're a poet, twice and you're a homosexual. I remember once I was being fisted by Sebastian Cabot- but here's where the story gets interesting. He was lactose-intolerant. He could eat red meat all night long, but one sip of milk and it was gastric hell. And I remember we were caught in fragrance delicto by Henry Kissinger, and you can imagine my humiliation at having Hank hear me say, "Mr. French, no teeth." One of my greatest disappointments is that I never became a song and dance man. I could have been a quadruple threat, kind of like a despotic Ken Barry. Dancer, singer, actor, and I would possess nuclear weapons, the latter being the most threatening of the four. I once sat on a bus and tried to will myself a menstrual cycle. All I ended up with was a sense of failure and a mild neuralgia in my incisor teeth and perhaps a grudging respect for the weaker sex. I love toe cleavage. For the most part I distrust dogs. I slept in a horse once. It was quite roomy. On second thought, it was the Ritz. I named my left testicle 'piss' and my right testicle 'vinegar'. I wrote "It's Raining Men", or so the Christmas babies told me. Oh yes, I also made a Marzipan voodoo effigy of The Fonze while I was in coma after smoking some Peruvian prayer hash, but who at the end of the day can honestly say they haven't done that? The Springer audience is stunned, slack-jawed and for once quiet. KLANSMAN What are you, some kind of freak? SCOTT Shut up, jagoff! Studio audience whoops at this. KLANSMAN I'll kick your ass punk! Crowd goes crazy. DR. EVIL No one talks to my boy that way! Dr. Evil charges at Klansman and starts to bitch slap him. Security men, with headsets on, rush in to separate them. DR. EVIL I'm OK, I'm OK. There is a BEAT, then Dr. Evil CHARGES the guy again, knocking him down. DR. EVIL Come Scott, let's go to daddy's new evil lair. EXT. WORLD HEADQUARTERS BUILDING - DAY We pan up a modern office building. The camera reaches the top of the building and we see a giant STARBUCKS LOGO and the words: Starbucks World Headquarters. INT. STARBUCKS BOARD ROOM The penthouse boardroom is adorned with Starbucks paraphernalia: large logo, clear canisters full of beans, and a large world map with a little logo everywhere there is a Starbucks. Around a large table are Dr. Evil, Number Two (bandaged and lightly spotted with soot), Frau, Scott and a couple of NEW HENCHMEN. A Starbucks employee serves everyone steaming hot coffee products. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, as the legitimate frontman of your organization, I seized upon the opportunity to invest in a small Seattle-based coffee company several years ago. Today, Starbucks is a far- flung empire with 2000 outlets worldwide. DR. EVIL Oh good, Number Two, I do enjoy a good cuppa joe. NUMBER TWO If I may continue, I believe if we shift our resources away from world domination and focus on providing premium quality coffee drinks, we can increase our gross profits fivefold. Dr. Evil takes a sip of cappuccino, leaving a WHITE FROTHY MILK MUSTACHE on his upper lip. DR. EVIL Right. Perhaps you've confused me with someone who gives a shit. Might I remind you that I run the show here? I demand a little respect. NUMBER TWO (indicating Dr. Evil's milk mustache) Dr. Evil, I think you-- DR. EVIL Silence! I will not tolerate your insolence! Remember what happened last time. FLASHBACK (FOOTAGE FROM FIRST MOVIE) Number Two disappears backwards into the fiery pit. INT. STARBUCKS WORLD HEADQUARTERS Number Two smiles weakly, breaking into a sweat on his brow. NUMBER TWO May I add, I appreciate you reinstating me after our little... misunderstanding. DR. EVIL Frau Farbissina. Wie gehts is einen? We see Frau. She looks a little more 'masculine' than before. FRAU Zehr gut, Herr Doctor. DR. EVIL How are things? FRAU I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak it's name. To my right is my lover. We see a severe-looking German woman with one continuous eyebrow. FRAU Her name is Unibrau. I met her on the LPGA Tour. DR. EVIL Right on. Welcome, Unibrau. Dr. Evil takes another sip of cappuccino, making the frothy milk mustache even larger. FRAU Doctor, you have a 'milk mustache.' DR. EVIL (wiping it off, embarrassed) Oh, I know. I know. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I'd like to introduce the Greek assassin, Oedipus. We see a swarthy Greek army guy. DR. EVIL Welcome to my private army, Oedipus. Excited? OEDIPUS I could give a shit. DR. EVIL Kiss your mother with that mouth? OEDIPUS Yes. DR. EVIL Of course you do. Dr Evil begins to press a button labelled "Oedipus" on his control panel, but Number Two interrupts. NUMBER TWO (clearing throat) Dr. Evil, as you know, the rate at which you liquidate henchmen far exceeds our ability to replace them. DR. EVIL I have so few pleasures left to me, Number Two. The key to life is to rotate your vices. One day it's executions, another day it's creamy French cheese. It's like frickin' heroin. NUMBER TWO Well, Dr. Evil, perhaps I have the answer. While you were frozen, we began a program to clone you. DR. EVIL Cool. NUMBER TWO We had a few glitches, but I think you'll be pleased with the results. FRAU (shouting) Send in the clone! MUSIC: dramatic sting We see the shadow of an approaching figure. The shadow looks like Dr. Evil, only much larger and scarier. NUMBER TWO He is identical to you in every way, except he is one-eighth your size. We see that the source of the shadow is a MINIATURE DR. EVIL, just like the creepy mini-Marlon Brando in The Island of Dr. Moreau. He mimics Dr. Evil's mannerisms including holding his tiny pinky to his tiny mouth. DR. EVIL Breathtaking. I shall call him Mini- Me. (to clone) Mini-Me, you will sit to my right. Mini-Me sits down in a miniature version of Dr. Evil's command chair. DR. EVIL Come Mr. Bigglesworth! The bald Mr. Bigglesworth runs and jumps into Dr. Evil's lap. A bald MR. BIGGLESWORTH KITTEN jumps into Mini-Me's lap. DR. EVIL Mini-me, something to eat? (expectant pause) No? (pause) OK. (to room) Tired. Gentleman, I have a plan. As you know, the most powerful man in the world is the President of the United States. But he is just that- a man, subject to temptations of the flesh like any other man. Here's what we do: we make it seem that the President has had "extra-marital oral relations" with- and this is the kicker- DRAMATIC STING, SNAP ZOOM TO DR. EVIL. DR. EVIL With a White House intern! Dr. Evil gloats. So does Mini-Me. NUMBER TWO (clearing his throat) Uh-hem. DR. EVIL What, that already happened? Number Two nods. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous. Oh well, how about a frickin' time machine? Does the president have a time machine? Have I been scooped on that? NUMBER TWO No, not that I'm aware of. DR. EVIL Alright, time machine it is. As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen? SCOTT Because you never kill him when you get the chance and you're a dope? Mini-Me hops upon the table and tries to push the "Scott Evil" button on Dr. Evil's control panel. Frau SQUIRTS him with a water bottle. Mini-Me glares at Scott and GIVES HIM THE FINGER. DR. EVIL No, because Austin Powers has "mojo". NUMBER TWO Mojo? FRAU Yes, mojo. The mojo is the life force, the essence, the libido, the "right stuff". DR. EVIL It's what the French call a certain 'I don't know what.' SCOTT If you've got a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill Austin Powers when he's a baby or something? DR. EVIL No, no, no. NUMBER TWO (interrupting) Dr. Evil, wouldn't it be easier to use your knowledge of the future to play the stock market? We could literally make trillions. DR. EVIL (smug laugh to himself) Why make trillions when we could make... (pause) Billions? NUMBER TWO Excuse me? DR. EVIL Why think small is all I'm saying. SCOTT A trillion is more than a billion, numb-nuts. DR. EVIL Zip it. Unveil the time portal! A wall panel opens to reveal a Stargate-like wall of shimmering energy. DR. EVIL Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the time portal. As you know, Austin Powers was frozen in 1967. Therefore, I time travel to 1969, two years after he was frozen. Security will be lax and I'll strike when he is totally helpless. First, I take Austin Powers' mojo. Then I begin my domination of the world. SCOTT Can I come? DR. EVIL No, Scott, Daddy has a score to settle. Austin Powers is the snake to my mongoose, or the mongoose to my snake. Either way it's bad, I don't know animals. But I do know this: This time it's personal. Frau, Number 2, I'll see you both in 1969. Come, Mini-Me. Dr. Evil walks to the portal. Mini-Me follows, imitating him perfectly. They enter the portal. There is a FREEZE FRAME effect and they FADE AWAY, like in Star Trek. INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - Dr. Evil and Mini-Me emerge on the other side of the portal into a NEW LAIR. It is a large hollowed-out volcano room dominated by chrome conduits and tasteful art pieces. A younger Frau sits with NUMBER TWO, now played by ROB LOWE in an eye-patch. DR. EVIL Ah, here we are Mini-Me, 1969. Number Two, you look very youthful and healthy. (turning to Frau) And Frau you look...right. As Dr. Evil walks to the center of the room, chairs rise from the floor. Everyone takes a seat, but Dr. Evil gets caught in the middle as chairs rise around him. He is frightened. One of the rising chairs hits him in the crotch. DR. EVIL OK, people, we now officially have a chair problem. If another one of these chairs hits me in the nuts, I'm gonna go postal. Mini-Me, I want you to meet Number Two. NUMBER TWO Hello there. Mini-me says nothing. DR. EVIL Mini-Me? Mini-me still says nothing. DR. EVIL Shy. Low blood sugar. (to room) Gentlemen, Phase Two is beginning. I have an operative inside the Ministry of Defense. By this time tomorrow, Austin Powers' mojo will be mine. Dr. Evil goes over and looks out the large window. DR. EVIL (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! EXT. DR. EVIL'S TROPICAL ISLAND - We cut outside to see that window is in fact the left eye of a Mt. Rushmore-type depiction of Dr. Evil carved into the side of a volcano on a tropical island. DR. EVIL (V.O.) (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! INT. MOD - CRYOGENIC FREEZING ROOM - We see Austin's FROZEN BODY in cryogenic storage. Above it, we see two digital clocks. One reads: CURRENT DATE: MAY 25, 1969, the other reads: DATE FROZEN: NOVEMBER 11, 1967. One of the SCOTS GUARDS, is an IMMENSELY FAT SCOTTISH SOLDIER (played by Mike Myers). BRITISH COLONEL We've had reports that there's a spy in the Ministry of Defense. The contents of this room are vital to the country. Be on special alert. FAT SOLDIER (thick Scottish accent) Those bastards will have to kill me before I let anything happen to this wee naked hairy popsicle, sir! BRITISH COLONEL Very good. And try and lose some weight for God's sake! They exchange salutes and the Colonel exits. FAT SOLDIER Yessir! (sotto after the Colonel) I outta smash your teeth out with a Toffee Hammer Mr. English Colonel Telling-Me-What-To-Do-And-Stealing- our-Oil-Refusing-To-Recognize- our- Scottish-Independence! The Fat Soldier begins to play the BAGPIPES, a white vapor comes out of them, filling the room. The other soldiers COLLAPSE, unconscious. He bores through the ice and pulls out a Sixties high-tech syringe type device with an LED graph on the side. He places it in Austin's navel. The LED meter goes from red to green, indicating FULL MOJO. EXT./INT. AUSTIN'S SHAGUAR - DRIVING - DAY Austin drives in MODERN TRAFFIC. He is drinking a STARBUCKS COFFEE and listening to the Jag's in-dash CD PLAYER. Suddenly Austin DROOPS. The car starts to sputter. The fuel gauge reads empty. AUSTIN Gor blimey, I'm on empty! That's funny, I just filled the Shaguar up this morning. Austin hits a button on the dashboard. BASIL EXPOSITION appears on the picture phone in the dash. BASIL EXPOSITION (on picture phone) Hello, I'm Basil Exposition, head of British Intelligence. AUSTIN You always are, Basil. Listen, the weirdest thing just happened, I've run out of petrol. BASIL EXPOSITION We'll send a man around immediately. How was your honeymoon? AUSTIN Vanessa tried to kill me, Basil. She was a Fembot! BASIL EXPOSITION Ah women, who can understand them? Moving on, let's discuss your new case. AUSTIN New case? Very shagadelic, Basil! BASIL EXPOSITION You'll be doing a photo shoot. We know that one of the models is an ex- KGB agent selling top secret material to the highest bidder. AUSTIN That sounds easy enough, you know what they say: all work and no shagging makes Austin a dull boy, man! INT. SKI LODGE Austin sets up his photo equipment. The room is decorated in classic Heffner- bear skin rugs, leather chairs, roaring fire. AUSTIN (looking around) Tres chic, baby. REG, the photo assistant, enters. REG Austin, the models are ready. AUSTIN Ta, Reg. Bless your cotton socks. Hey, Reg, do you have any hobbies? REG What? AUSTIN Hobbies, man! I for one enjoy making models! The models make their entrance. They are REAL SUPERMODELS, say CINDY CRAWFORD, REBECCA ROMAJIN and also one MODEL we don't know. SUPERMODELS (circling Austin) It's him! Oh my God! It's Austin Powers! Austin shoots a look to Reg like 'still got it, baby.' AUSTIN One at a time, girls. One. At. A. Time! CINDY Hi, I'm Cindy. I don't believe I've had the pleasure. AUSTIN Of course you haven't had "The Pleasure", we just met, baby, yeah! REBECCA How do you do, Austin? I'm Rebecca. (indicating the photo gear) Your equipment is quite impressive. AUSTIN Thank you. Your breasts are amazing. Austin comes to the unknown model. She is tall and angular. AUSTIN And what's your name, baby? MODEL (thick Russian accent) Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN Excuse me? IVANA Ivana. Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN And I vanna toilet made of solid gold but it's just not in the cards, now is it? Austin looks over the girls, trying to decide who is the spy. AUSTIN (V.O.) (inner monologue) Now, which one is the Russian spy? Cindy Crawford, Rebecca Romajin... or Ivana Humpalot? Think, man, think! Austin begins snapping pictures. The sequence is shot like a photo shoot, with freeze frames, etc. AUSTIN Alright, baby! Love it. Turn and pout for me baby! Smashing! Cindy gets on all fours. AUSTIN Great, darling. Give me some shoulder. Yes, yes, yes. (angry) No! No! FULL FRAME, cover of Vogue. Cindy with her head framed out. AUSTIN (to Rebecca) Show me love. Smashing! You're an animal. You're a tiger. Be a tiger, baby! You're great! You're Grrrrrr- eat! You're Tony, be corn flakes, baby, be frosted. Now be a lemur, baby! You're a ring-tailed lemur. Rebecca looks confused. REBECCA A lemur? AUSTIN A small mammal native to the African savannah. C'mon baby, you know. Like this! (imitating lemur) OK, predator coming! Now, burrow, burrow! You're a lemur. It's all you've got. (beat) I take it back. Be a tiger again. Smashing! FULL FRAME, Rebecca on the cover of National--Geographic. AUSTIN And... done! I'm spent! Austin throws his camera to Reg, who catches it. REG Hel-lo, you forgot about Ivana. AUSTIN I didn't forget, baby. Miss Humpalot and I are going to have a 'private session'. Reg shows the girls out as they PROTEST. Austin and Ivana are left alone. Austin CLAPS TWICE and the lights dim. He CLAPS again and the fire goes up. MUSIC: I'm Never Going To Fall in Love Again by BURT BACHARACH IVANA When did you get "The Clapper"? AUSTIN November, 1964, Dutch East Indies, shore leave. IVANA Are you cold, Mr. Powers? AUSTIN I once had a bad experience with frostbite. I had to dip my tadger into a brandy snifter. Ivana moves over to a chessboard set up nearby. IVANA Do you know how we keep warm in Russia? AUSTIN I can guess, baby. IVANA We play chess. AUSTIN I guessed wrong. IVANA It takes a keen intelligence to play chess. Of course, you know what they say about men with big brains, don't you? AUSTIN They wear large hats? IVANA No, they make better lovers. AUSTIN Wrong again. Ivana starts playing with the chess pieces sexily (like in The Thomas Crowne Affair). IVANA I assume you know how to play. She runs the bishop across her lips sexily. AUSTIN Of course. The... horsey... moves in an L shape. Austin tries to match her sexy moves and CHOKES on a piece. AUSTIN Let's stop playing games with each other... especially difficult ones. May I ask you a question, Miss Humpalot? IVANA Of course. AUSTIN Do I make you horny? Do I? Austin rolls around on the polar bear rug. IVANA I'll tell you anything you want to know, just make love to me. She pulls his shirt off, revealing his prodigious chest hair. IVANA You are hairy, like an animal! AUSTIN (growling and barking) Grrrr, baby. Austin takes the head of the bear skin rug. AUSTIN Grrrr. Ruf! Ruf! (covers the bear's eyes) Wait a tick, I don't want him watching me while I'm on the job! IVANA Make love to me, monkey man. AUSTIN Groovy, baby! We pan around the room, seeing all the stuffed and mounted wildlife who seem to be watching. Suddenly the camera stops. So does the music. IVANA (O.S.) What's the matter? CUT TO: MONTAGE - VARIOUS STOCK FOOTAGE A tall flower wilts and beds over. A souffle falls. A flag is lowered to half mast. A giant redwood falls in a forest. A hot air balloon deflates and falls. An actual scientific diagram of a penis in the refractory period. INT. LODGE AUSTIN (to camera) Crikey, I've lost my mojo. EXT. LONDON STREETS (STOCK FOOTAGE) An ambulance races through the streets, SIREN BLARING. EXT. MINISTRY OF DEFENSE SUPER: "MINISTRY OF DEFENSE" INT. MOD - HALLWAY Basil hurries through, pushing past TECHNICIANS and WORKERS. BASIL EXPOSITION Where is he? In here? INT. MOD - LAB Basil enters. Cross between a hospital room and a lab. Austin lies in bed hooked up to lots of monitoring equipment. BASIL EXPOSITION Austin, I came as soon as I heard. AUSTIN There must be some kind of mistake, Basil. Maybe I was drunk and I didn't know it. Austin holds his neck very stiffly. BASIL EXPOSITION What's wrong with your neck, Austin? AUSTIN (turning stiffly to face Basil) I took a Viagra and it got caught in my throat. I've had a stiff neck for hours. Basil, is it true? Have I lost my mojo? BASIL EXPOSITION We're going to run a few tests, Austin. Don't worry, old friend, we'll get to the bottom of this. INT. MRI MACHINE Austin is being loaded into one of those big scary MRI machines: the MOJONATOR 9000. The mojo meter reads VERY LOW. INT. MOD LAB MONTAGE (TIME-LAPSE): Technicians in white suits and masks transform the room into a love lair: A pair of Latex-gloved hands carefully puts a BURT BACHARACH record on a turntable. Examination lights are replaced with LAVA LAMPS. A tray is brought in with a videotape marked "SWEDISH EDUCATIONAL FILM." Finally, the transformation is complete. Austin lies in bed reading a vintage PLAYBOY. A CANDY STRIPE NURSE enters, very pretty, in a tight outfit. NURSE Excuse me, Mr. Powers, I need to give you a sponge bath before we begin the test. AUSTIN (not paying attention to her) Alright, miss, just let me finish this article on the Suez crisis. An ALARM goes off. Bright LIGHTS come on. Basil enters. AUSTIN What's going on? BASIL EXPOSITION Alright, everyone, we're done. AUSTIN But the test hasn't even started!

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Austin Powers - The Spy Who Shagged Me Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME By Mike Myers MUSIC: timpani roll and dramatic sting NARRATOR In his last adventure, Austin Powers, a swinging spy from the Sixties, was unfrozen in the Nineties to battle his archenemy Dr. Evil. Austin foiled Dr. Evil's plan to send a nuclear warhead to the center of the earth and banished him into space forever. Or so he thought. EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT (ESTABLISHING SHOT FROM FIRST MOVIE) SUPER: THE FRENCH RIVIERA INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY Elegant double doors with a brass plaque reading "Honeymoon Suite." A "Do Not-Disturb" sign hangs from the handle. INT. HOTEL SUITE FROM THE FIRST MOVIE: Austin and Vanessa snuggle in bed. She plays with his chest hair. VANESSA I love you, Mr. Powers. AUSTIN And I love you, Mrs. Powers. SHOT TO MATCH EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin gets out of bed. We see Vanessa putting on her robe from behind, and then EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa kiss. VANESSA Let's go out on the terrace. It's a beautiful night, we can look at the stars. EXT. HOTEL BALCONY EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa gaze at the stars. AUSTIN Look how beautiful the night sky is. VANESSA Isn't that the big dipper? AUSTIN Yeah, and that looks just like Uranus. VANESSA Austin! AUSTIN (sheepish) Well, you know. VANESSA Hey, I've never seen that big star before. AUSTIN Yeah, what is that? Austin pulls out his telescope and takes a look. AUSTIN'S POV - TELESCOPE EFFECT EXT. SPACE EXISTING SHOT: The Bob's Big Boy rocket. INT. DR. EVIL'S CAPSULE DR. EVIL This isn't over yet, Mr. Powers. I have one more trick up my sleeve, don't I Mr. Bigglesworth? The frozen Mr. Bigglesworth MEOWS. EXT. SPACE The Bob's Big Boy rocket. Suddenly, a hatch opens in Bob's rear end and Dr. Evil's silver egg capsule poops out. SFX: PLOOP! Capsule begins fiery re-entry to Earth INT. HOTEL ROOM Austin comes in and shuts the balcony door. AUSTIN Oh well, I guess it was nothing. A VANESSA DOUBLE crosses carrying a bouquet of flowers, which obscure her face. AUSTIN Care for some champagne? (pouring) Here's to monotony-- I mean, monogamy! Vanessa sits at the vanity with her back turned. AUSTIN Hello? Vanessa? What are you doing, luv? VANESSA (back turned) Just putting on my-- As Vanessa turns around she puts her hands up and PULLS OFF HER FACE revealing wires, transistors, and a speaker where her mouth should be. FEMBOT VANESSA (computer voice) MAKE-UP! AUSTIN (frightened) Vanessa, you're a Fembot! They fight. Midway through the fight, machine guns pop out of Vanessa's breasts. AUSTIN Machine gun jubblies, how did I miss those? VANESSA (robot voice) PERHAPS NEXT TIME YOU SHOULD TRY FOREPLAY. Her machine gun breasts FIRE, spraying the room in SLO-MO. Then they run out of ammo and CLICK, CLICK. Austin empties his gun into the robot, but to no avail. She rushes at him, he gives her a judo chop, also to no avail. Then Austin' notices a SELF-DESTRUCT switch and hits it. She starts to twitch, her head spins, and she EXPLODES. Fembot parts fly around the room. Austin sits on the bed, saddened. He holds Vanessa's hand, which has wires hanging out of it. On one of the fingers is her wedding ring. MUSIC: VERY SAD PIANO AUSTIN (very sad) I can't believe Vanessa, my bride, my one true love, the woman who taught me the beauty of sharing your whole life with another, the person who taught me the meaning of love, was a Fembot. How will I ever go on? (beat) Wait a tic! That means I'm single! Oh, behave! INT. LOBBY - HOTEL Rich European guests mill about the luxurious lobby. Suddenly, Austin dances through naked. Just as we are about to see his bits and pieces, a man lifts up his suitcase. AUSTIN Yeah, baby, I'm free! I'm naked and free! SEQUENCE CREDIT MUSIC: Soul Bassanova by QUINCY JONES PAN UP Austin's NAKED body as he walks down a boardwalk. Just as the camera reaches that most sensitive of areas, a credit appears STARRING MIKE MYERS. Austin gives a big 'who me?' and we FREEZE FRAME. EXT. BOARDWALK - FRENCH RIVERA European types stare and point. We see Austin from behind. His bottom half is blocked by a bicycle. The bicycle moves away. Just as Austin's bum is about to be revealed- A CREDIT APPEARS blocking it. Austin turns his head around to the camera and puts his hand to his mouth in an 'oh my!' take and we FREEZE FRAME. A MAN IN A RAINCOAT flashes Austin, his thingy blocked by a credit. Austin just laughs...crazy, man! Austin goes around a corner. A moment later he returns, followed by a NUDE MARCHING BAND. A SIGN on the left side of the screen reads "Warning! Nude Beach". Austin enters from the left. We see his naked, hairy torso from the waist up. Just as he is about to appear from behind the sign, a... CREDIT APPEARS MOVING LEFT TO RIGHT Blocking his penis lengthwise as he walks. NUDE BEACH - CREDIT SEQUENCE A girl sits on a blanket; a HORIZONTAL CREDIT blocks her bare chest. Austin lays on his back beside her, trying to be suave; A VERTICAL CREDIT appears. The wind blows away a kite, revealing a stark-naked girl. The credit "PRODUCTION DESIGN" blocks her chest; the credit "BY" blocks her you-know-what. Austin walks into frame; the "PRODUCTION DESIGNER'S NAME" disguises his growing interest. Austin joins a nude volleyball game in progress. CREDITS appear everywhere to block all possible combinations of nudity. People leap in all directions to make saves, causing CREDITS TO APPEAR at crazy angles. A pretty girl watches Austin lift weights. Her boobs are blocked by the "WRITTEN BY" credit. Austin lifts a dumbbell. The credit "MIKE MYERS" sticks out from his waist. Austin looks proud. A BUFF NAKED BODYBUILDER joins them. He lifts a much heavier weight. A much longer credit sticks out from his waist: "AND MICHAEL MCCULLERS". Austin pouts. Austin runs down the beach, his bum blocked by the credit "DIRECTED BY". He jumps on a trampoline and does the splits in mid-air: FREEZE FRAME AND PAN AROUND LIKE IN THE GAP "KHAKI SWING" AD. Austin smiles crazily, his penis blocked by "JAY ROACH." Austin does a super-duper double flip into his JAGUAR. AUSTIN Shaguar, baby, yeah! CU on the chrome script on the grill: it reads "Shaguar" where it would normally read "Jaguar". The car speeds off. FULL SCREEN TV JERRY SPRINGER SHOW On the stage we see a Klansman father and his Klansman son, a Nazi father and his Nazi son, and SCOTT EVIL all seated on a panel. Lower Third Chyron: "MY FATHER IS EVIL AND WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" JERRY SPRINGER If you just joined us, today's topic is "my father is evil and wants to take over the world". Now, Bobby, you had something you wanted to share with your father before the break. BOBBY Dad, I know you're against race mixing and all that, but I met someone... KLANSMAN Don't say it! The crowd WHOOPS. BOBBY I met someone... and he's black. The crowd goes crazy. KLANSMAN He? The Klansman holds his hooded head in his hands. JERRY SPRINGER Please welcome Tim. A handsome Blair Underwood look-alike enters and hugs the Klansman's son. The crowd screams. JERRY MOVES TO SCOTT EVIL. JERRY SPRINGER Now Scott, tell us about your father. Share with us. SCOTT Well he's the head of an evil organization that has aspirations for world domination. JERRY SPRINGER And where is your father right now? SCOTT He's in outer space, like frozen in a giant egg and stuffed inside a Big Boy rocket with his cat, Mr. Bigglesworth. JERRY SPRINGER Really? Well, we have a surprise for you, Scott. Let's bring out SCOTT'S father, Dr Evil. Dr Evil enters. Lower Third Chyron: "WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" DR. EVIL Hello Scott, I'm back. SCOTT I can't believe you'd do this to me on national television! DR. EVIL They offered me a free makeover. JERRY SPRINGER Dr. Evil, we've seen a lot of the fathers here today open up to their sons, sons to the fathers. Is there anything you'd like to share? DR. EVIL Share? JERRY SPRINGER Yes, don't you have any secrets? DR. EVIL OK. I have a vestigial tail. Everyone is a little grossed out. DR. EVIL It's more of a nub, really. The spine just goes on a little longer than it should. Also, I've dabbled. I mean, perform fellatio once and you're a poet, twice and you're a homosexual. I remember once I was being fisted by Sebastian Cabot- but here's where the story gets interesting. He was lactose-intolerant. He could eat red meat all night long, but one sip of milk and it was gastric hell. And I remember we were caught in fragrance delicto by Henry Kissinger, and you can imagine my humiliation at having Hank hear me say, "Mr. French, no teeth." One of my greatest disappointments is that I never became a song and dance man. I could have been a quadruple threat, kind of like a despotic Ken Barry. Dancer, singer, actor, and I would possess nuclear weapons, the latter being the most threatening of the four. I once sat on a bus and tried to will myself a menstrual cycle. All I ended up with was a sense of failure and a mild neuralgia in my incisor teeth and perhaps a grudging respect for the weaker sex. I love toe cleavage. For the most part I distrust dogs. I slept in a horse once. It was quite roomy. On second thought, it was the Ritz. I named my left testicle 'piss' and my right testicle 'vinegar'. I wrote "It's Raining Men", or so the Christmas babies told me. Oh yes, I also made a Marzipan voodoo effigy of The Fonze while I was in coma after smoking some Peruvian prayer hash, but who at the end of the day can honestly say they haven't done that? The Springer audience is stunned, slack-jawed and for once quiet. KLANSMAN What are you, some kind of freak? SCOTT Shut up, jagoff! Studio audience whoops at this. KLANSMAN I'll kick your ass punk! Crowd goes crazy. DR. EVIL No one talks to my boy that way! Dr. Evil charges at Klansman and starts to bitch slap him. Security men, with headsets on, rush in to separate them. DR. EVIL I'm OK, I'm OK. There is a BEAT, then Dr. Evil CHARGES the guy again, knocking him down. DR. EVIL Come Scott, let's go to daddy's new evil lair. EXT. WORLD HEADQUARTERS BUILDING - DAY We pan up a modern office building. The camera reaches the top of the building and we see a giant STARBUCKS LOGO and the words: Starbucks World Headquarters. INT. STARBUCKS BOARD ROOM The penthouse boardroom is adorned with Starbucks paraphernalia: large logo, clear canisters full of beans, and a large world map with a little logo everywhere there is a Starbucks. Around a large table are Dr. Evil, Number Two (bandaged and lightly spotted with soot), Frau, Scott and a couple of NEW HENCHMEN. A Starbucks employee serves everyone steaming hot coffee products. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, as the legitimate frontman of your organization, I seized upon the opportunity to invest in a small Seattle-based coffee company several years ago. Today, Starbucks is a far- flung empire with 2000 outlets worldwide. DR. EVIL Oh good, Number Two, I do enjoy a good cuppa joe. NUMBER TWO If I may continue, I believe if we shift our resources away from world domination and focus on providing premium quality coffee drinks, we can increase our gross profits fivefold. Dr. Evil takes a sip of cappuccino, leaving a WHITE FROTHY MILK MUSTACHE on his upper lip. DR. EVIL Right. Perhaps you've confused me with someone who gives a shit. Might I remind you that I run the show here? I demand a little respect. NUMBER TWO (indicating Dr. Evil's milk mustache) Dr. Evil, I think you-- DR. EVIL Silence! I will not tolerate your insolence! Remember what happened last time. FLASHBACK (FOOTAGE FROM FIRST MOVIE) Number Two disappears backwards into the fiery pit. INT. STARBUCKS WORLD HEADQUARTERS Number Two smiles weakly, breaking into a sweat on his brow. NUMBER TWO May I add, I appreciate you reinstating me after our little... misunderstanding. DR. EVIL Frau Farbissina. Wie gehts is einen? We see Frau. She looks a little more 'masculine' than before. FRAU Zehr gut, Herr Doctor. DR. EVIL How are things? FRAU I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak it's name. To my right is my lover. We see a severe-looking German woman with one continuous eyebrow. FRAU Her name is Unibrau. I met her on the LPGA Tour. DR. EVIL Right on. Welcome, Unibrau. Dr. Evil takes another sip of cappuccino, making the frothy milk mustache even larger. FRAU Doctor, you have a 'milk mustache.' DR. EVIL (wiping it off, embarrassed) Oh, I know. I know. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I'd like to introduce the Greek assassin, Oedipus. We see a swarthy Greek army guy. DR. EVIL Welcome to my private army, Oedipus. Excited? OEDIPUS I could give a shit. DR. EVIL Kiss your mother with that mouth? OEDIPUS Yes. DR. EVIL Of course you do. Dr Evil begins to press a button labelled "Oedipus" on his control panel, but Number Two interrupts. NUMBER TWO (clearing throat) Dr. Evil, as you know, the rate at which you liquidate henchmen far exceeds our ability to replace them. DR. EVIL I have so few pleasures left to me, Number Two. The key to life is to rotate your vices. One day it's executions, another day it's creamy French cheese. It's like frickin' heroin. NUMBER TWO Well, Dr. Evil, perhaps I have the answer. While you were frozen, we began a program to clone you. DR. EVIL Cool. NUMBER TWO We had a few glitches, but I think you'll be pleased with the results. FRAU (shouting) Send in the clone! MUSIC: dramatic sting We see the shadow of an approaching figure. The shadow looks like Dr. Evil, only much larger and scarier. NUMBER TWO He is identical to you in every way, except he is one-eighth your size. We see that the source of the shadow is a MINIATURE DR. EVIL, just like the creepy mini-Marlon Brando in The Island of Dr. Moreau. He mimics Dr. Evil's mannerisms including holding his tiny pinky to his tiny mouth. DR. EVIL Breathtaking. I shall call him Mini- Me. (to clone) Mini-Me, you will sit to my right. Mini-Me sits down in a miniature version of Dr. Evil's command chair. DR. EVIL Come Mr. Bigglesworth! The bald Mr. Bigglesworth runs and jumps into Dr. Evil's lap. A bald MR. BIGGLESWORTH KITTEN jumps into Mini-Me's lap. DR. EVIL Mini-me, something to eat? (expectant pause) No? (pause) OK. (to room) Tired. Gentleman, I have a plan. As you know, the most powerful man in the world is the President of the United States. But he is just that- a man, subject to temptations of the flesh like any other man. Here's what we do: we make it seem that the President has had "extra-marital oral relations" with- and this is the kicker- DRAMATIC STING, SNAP ZOOM TO DR. EVIL. DR. EVIL With a White House intern! Dr. Evil gloats. So does Mini-Me. NUMBER TWO (clearing his throat) Uh-hem. DR. EVIL What, that already happened? Number Two nods. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous. Oh well, how about a frickin' time machine? Does the president have a time machine? Have I been scooped on that? NUMBER TWO No, not that I'm aware of. DR. EVIL Alright, time machine it is. As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen? SCOTT Because you never kill him when you get the chance and you're a dope? Mini-Me hops upon the table and tries to push the "Scott Evil" button on Dr. Evil's control panel. Frau SQUIRTS him with a water bottle. Mini-Me glares at Scott and GIVES HIM THE FINGER. DR. EVIL No, because Austin Powers has "mojo". NUMBER TWO Mojo? FRAU Yes, mojo. The mojo is the life force, the essence, the libido, the "right stuff". DR. EVIL It's what the French call a certain 'I don't know what.' SCOTT If you've got a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill Austin Powers when he's a baby or something? DR. EVIL No, no, no. NUMBER TWO (interrupting) Dr. Evil, wouldn't it be easier to use your knowledge of the future to play the stock market? We could literally make trillions. DR. EVIL (smug laugh to himself) Why make trillions when we could make... (pause) Billions? NUMBER TWO Excuse me? DR. EVIL Why think small is all I'm saying. SCOTT A trillion is more than a billion, numb-nuts. DR. EVIL Zip it. Unveil the time portal! A wall panel opens to reveal a Stargate-like wall of shimmering energy. DR. EVIL Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the time portal. As you know, Austin Powers was frozen in 1967. Therefore, I time travel to 1969, two years after he was frozen. Security will be lax and I'll strike when he is totally helpless. First, I take Austin Powers' mojo. Then I begin my domination of the world. SCOTT Can I come? DR. EVIL No, Scott, Daddy has a score to settle. Austin Powers is the snake to my mongoose, or the mongoose to my snake. Either way it's bad, I don't know animals. But I do know this: This time it's personal. Frau, Number 2, I'll see you both in 1969. Come, Mini-Me. Dr. Evil walks to the portal. Mini-Me follows, imitating him perfectly. They enter the portal. There is a FREEZE FRAME effect and they FADE AWAY, like in Star Trek. INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - Dr. Evil and Mini-Me emerge on the other side of the portal into a NEW LAIR. It is a large hollowed-out volcano room dominated by chrome conduits and tasteful art pieces. A younger Frau sits with NUMBER TWO, now played by ROB LOWE in an eye-patch. DR. EVIL Ah, here we are Mini-Me, 1969. Number Two, you look very youthful and healthy. (turning to Frau) And Frau you look...right. As Dr. Evil walks to the center of the room, chairs rise from the floor. Everyone takes a seat, but Dr. Evil gets caught in the middle as chairs rise around him. He is frightened. One of the rising chairs hits him in the crotch. DR. EVIL OK, people, we now officially have a chair problem. If another one of these chairs hits me in the nuts, I'm gonna go postal. Mini-Me, I want you to meet Number Two. NUMBER TWO Hello there. Mini-me says nothing. DR. EVIL Mini-Me? Mini-me still says nothing. DR. EVIL Shy. Low blood sugar. (to room) Gentlemen, Phase Two is beginning. I have an operative inside the Ministry of Defense. By this time tomorrow, Austin Powers' mojo will be mine. Dr. Evil goes over and looks out the large window. DR. EVIL (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! EXT. DR. EVIL'S TROPICAL ISLAND - We cut outside to see that window is in fact the left eye of a Mt. Rushmore-type depiction of Dr. Evil carved into the side of a volcano on a tropical island. DR. EVIL (V.O.) (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! INT. MOD - CRYOGENIC FREEZING ROOM - We see Austin's FROZEN BODY in cryogenic storage. Above it, we see two digital clocks. One reads: CURRENT DATE: MAY 25, 1969, the other reads: DATE FROZEN: NOVEMBER 11, 1967. One of the SCOTS GUARDS, is an IMMENSELY FAT SCOTTISH SOLDIER (played by Mike Myers). BRITISH COLONEL We've had reports that there's a spy in the Ministry of Defense. The contents of this room are vital to the country. Be on special alert. FAT SOLDIER (thick Scottish accent) Those bastards will have to kill me before I let anything happen to this wee naked hairy popsicle, sir! BRITISH COLONEL Very good. And try and lose some weight for God's sake! They exchange salutes and the Colonel exits. FAT SOLDIER Yessir! (sotto after the Colonel) I outta smash your teeth out with a Toffee Hammer Mr. English Colonel Telling-Me-What-To-Do-And-Stealing- our-Oil-Refusing-To-Recognize- our- Scottish-Independence! The Fat Soldier begins to play the BAGPIPES, a white vapor comes out of them, filling the room. The other soldiers COLLAPSE, unconscious. He bores through the ice and pulls out a Sixties high-tech syringe type device with an LED graph on the side. He places it in Austin's navel. The LED meter goes from red to green, indicating FULL MOJO. EXT./INT. AUSTIN'S SHAGUAR - DRIVING - DAY Austin drives in MODERN TRAFFIC. He is drinking a STARBUCKS COFFEE and listening to the Jag's in-dash CD PLAYER. Suddenly Austin DROOPS. The car starts to sputter. The fuel gauge reads empty. AUSTIN Gor blimey, I'm on empty! That's funny, I just filled the Shaguar up this morning. Austin hits a button on the dashboard. BASIL EXPOSITION appears on the picture phone in the dash. BASIL EXPOSITION (on picture phone) Hello, I'm Basil Exposition, head of British Intelligence. AUSTIN You always are, Basil. Listen, the weirdest thing just happened, I've run out of petrol. BASIL EXPOSITION We'll send a man around immediately. How was your honeymoon? AUSTIN Vanessa tried to kill me, Basil. She was a Fembot! BASIL EXPOSITION Ah women, who can understand them? Moving on, let's discuss your new case. AUSTIN New case? Very shagadelic, Basil! BASIL EXPOSITION You'll be doing a photo shoot. We know that one of the models is an ex- KGB agent selling top secret material to the highest bidder. AUSTIN That sounds easy enough, you know what they say: all work and no shagging makes Austin a dull boy, man! INT. SKI LODGE Austin sets up his photo equipment. The room is decorated in classic Heffner- bear skin rugs, leather chairs, roaring fire. AUSTIN (looking around) Tres chic, baby. REG, the photo assistant, enters. REG Austin, the models are ready. AUSTIN Ta, Reg. Bless your cotton socks. Hey, Reg, do you have any hobbies? REG What? AUSTIN Hobbies, man! I for one enjoy making models! The models make their entrance. They are REAL SUPERMODELS, say CINDY CRAWFORD, REBECCA ROMAJIN and also one MODEL we don't know. SUPERMODELS (circling Austin) It's him! Oh my God! It's Austin Powers! Austin shoots a look to Reg like 'still got it, baby.' AUSTIN One at a time, girls. One. At. A. Time! CINDY Hi, I'm Cindy. I don't believe I've had the pleasure. AUSTIN Of course you haven't had "The Pleasure", we just met, baby, yeah! REBECCA How do you do, Austin? I'm Rebecca. (indicating the photo gear) Your equipment is quite impressive. AUSTIN Thank you. Your breasts are amazing. Austin comes to the unknown model. She is tall and angular. AUSTIN And what's your name, baby? MODEL (thick Russian accent) Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN Excuse me? IVANA Ivana. Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN And I vanna toilet made of solid gold but it's just not in the cards, now is it? Austin looks over the girls, trying to decide who is the spy. AUSTIN (V.O.) (inner monologue) Now, which one is the Russian spy? Cindy Crawford, Rebecca Romajin... or Ivana Humpalot? Think, man, think! Austin begins snapping pictures. The sequence is shot like a photo shoot, with freeze frames, etc. AUSTIN Alright, baby! Love it. Turn and pout for me baby! Smashing! Cindy gets on all fours. AUSTIN Great, darling. Give me some shoulder. Yes, yes, yes. (angry) No! No! FULL FRAME, cover of Vogue. Cindy with her head framed out. AUSTIN (to Rebecca) Show me love. Smashing! You're an animal. You're a tiger. Be a tiger, baby! You're great! You're Grrrrrr- eat! You're Tony, be corn flakes, baby, be frosted. Now be a lemur, baby! You're a ring-tailed lemur. Rebecca looks confused. REBECCA A lemur? AUSTIN A small mammal native to the African savannah. C'mon baby, you know. Like this! (imitating lemur) OK, predator coming! Now, burrow, burrow! You're a lemur. It's all you've got. (beat) I take it back. Be a tiger again. Smashing! FULL FRAME, Rebecca on the cover of National--Geographic. AUSTIN And... done! I'm spent! Austin throws his camera to Reg, who catches it. REG Hel-lo, you forgot about Ivana. AUSTIN I didn't forget, baby. Miss Humpalot and I are going to have a 'private session'. Reg shows the girls out as they PROTEST. Austin and Ivana are left alone. Austin CLAPS TWICE and the lights dim. He CLAPS again and the fire goes up. MUSIC: I'm Never Going To Fall in Love Again by BURT BACHARACH IVANA When did you get "The Clapper"? AUSTIN November, 1964, Dutch East Indies, shore leave. IVANA Are you cold, Mr. Powers? AUSTIN I once had a bad experience with frostbite. I had to dip my tadger into a brandy snifter. Ivana moves over to a chessboard set up nearby. IVANA Do you know how we keep warm in Russia? AUSTIN I can guess, baby. IVANA We play chess. AUSTIN I guessed wrong. IVANA It takes a keen intelligence to play chess. Of course, you know what they say about men with big brains, don't you? AUSTIN They wear large hats? IVANA No, they make better lovers. AUSTIN Wrong again. Ivana starts playing with the chess pieces sexily (like in The Thomas Crowne Affair). IVANA I assume you know how to play. She runs the bishop across her lips sexily. AUSTIN Of course. The... horsey... moves in an L shape. Austin tries to match her sexy moves and CHOKES on a piece. AUSTIN Let's stop playing games with each other... especially difficult ones. May I ask you a question, Miss Humpalot? IVANA Of course. AUSTIN Do I make you horny? Do I? Austin rolls around on the polar bear rug. IVANA I'll tell you anything you want to know, just make love to me. She pulls his shirt off, revealing his prodigious chest hair. IVANA You are hairy, like an animal! AUSTIN (growling and barking) Grrrr, baby. Austin takes the head of the bear skin rug. AUSTIN Grrrr. Ruf! Ruf! (covers the bear's eyes) Wait a tick, I don't want him watching me while I'm on the job! IVANA Make love to me, monkey man. AUSTIN Groovy, baby! We pan around the room, seeing all the stuffed and mounted wildlife who seem to be watching. Suddenly the camera stops. So does the music. IVANA (O.S.) What's the matter? CUT TO: MONTAGE - VARIOUS STOCK FOOTAGE A tall flower wilts and beds over. A souffle falls. A flag is lowered to half mast. A giant redwood falls in a forest. A hot air balloon deflates and falls. An actual scientific diagram of a penis in the refractory period. INT. LODGE AUSTIN (to camera) Crikey, I've lost my mojo. EXT. LONDON STREETS (STOCK FOOTAGE) An ambulance races through the streets, SIREN BLARING. EXT. MINISTRY OF DEFENSE SUPER: "MINISTRY OF DEFENSE" INT. MOD - HALLWAY Basil hurries through, pushing past TECHNICIANS and WORKERS. BASIL EXPOSITION Where is he? In here? INT. MOD - LAB Basil enters. Cross between a hospital room and a lab. Austin lies in bed hooked up to lots of monitoring equipment. BASIL EXPOSITION Austin, I came as soon as I heard. AUSTIN There must be some kind of mistake, Basil. Maybe I was drunk and I didn't know it. Austin holds his neck very stiffly. BASIL EXPOSITION What's wrong with your neck, Austin? AUSTIN (turning stiffly to face Basil) I took a Viagra and it got caught in my throat. I've had a stiff neck for hours. Basil, is it true? Have I lost my mojo? BASIL EXPOSITION We're going to run a few tests, Austin. Don't worry, old friend, we'll get to the bottom of this. INT. MRI MACHINE Austin is being loaded into one of those big scary MRI machines: the MOJONATOR 9000. The mojo meter reads VERY LOW. INT. MOD LAB MONTAGE (TIME-LAPSE): Technicians in white suits and masks transform the room into a love lair: A pair of Latex-gloved hands carefully puts a BURT BACHARACH record on a turntable. Examination lights are replaced with LAVA LAMPS. A tray is brought in with a videotape marked "SWEDISH EDUCATIONAL FILM." Finally, the transformation is complete. Austin lies in bed reading a vintage PLAYBOY. A CANDY STRIPE NURSE enters, very pretty, in a tight outfit. NURSE Excuse me, Mr. Powers, I need to give you a sponge bath before we begin the test. AUSTIN (not paying attention to her) Alright, miss, just let me finish this article on the Suez crisis. An ALARM goes off. Bright LIGHTS come on. Basil enters. AUSTIN What's going on? BASIL EXPOSITION Alright, everyone, we're done. AUSTIN But the test hasn't even started!

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Austin Powers - The Spy Who Shagged Me Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME By Mike Myers MUSIC: timpani roll and dramatic sting NARRATOR In his last adventure, Austin Powers, a swinging spy from the Sixties, was unfrozen in the Nineties to battle his archenemy Dr. Evil. Austin foiled Dr. Evil's plan to send a nuclear warhead to the center of the earth and banished him into space forever. Or so he thought. EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT (ESTABLISHING SHOT FROM FIRST MOVIE) SUPER: THE FRENCH RIVIERA INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY Elegant double doors with a brass plaque reading "Honeymoon Suite." A "Do Not-Disturb" sign hangs from the handle. INT. HOTEL SUITE FROM THE FIRST MOVIE: Austin and Vanessa snuggle in bed. She plays with his chest hair. VANESSA I love you, Mr. Powers. AUSTIN And I love you, Mrs. Powers. SHOT TO MATCH EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin gets out of bed. We see Vanessa putting on her robe from behind, and then EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa kiss. VANESSA Let's go out on the terrace. It's a beautiful night, we can look at the stars. EXT. HOTEL BALCONY EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa gaze at the stars. AUSTIN Look how beautiful the night sky is. VANESSA Isn't that the big dipper? AUSTIN Yeah, and that looks just like Uranus. VANESSA Austin! AUSTIN (sheepish) Well, you know. VANESSA Hey, I've never seen that big star before. AUSTIN Yeah, what is that? Austin pulls out his telescope and takes a look. AUSTIN'S POV - TELESCOPE EFFECT EXT. SPACE EXISTING SHOT: The Bob's Big Boy rocket. INT. DR. EVIL'S CAPSULE DR. EVIL This isn't over yet, Mr. Powers. I have one more trick up my sleeve, don't I Mr. Bigglesworth? The frozen Mr. Bigglesworth MEOWS. EXT. SPACE The Bob's Big Boy rocket. Suddenly, a hatch opens in Bob's rear end and Dr. Evil's silver egg capsule poops out. SFX: PLOOP! Capsule begins fiery re-entry to Earth INT. HOTEL ROOM Austin comes in and shuts the balcony door. AUSTIN Oh well, I guess it was nothing. A VANESSA DOUBLE crosses carrying a bouquet of flowers, which obscure her face. AUSTIN Care for some champagne? (pouring) Here's to monotony-- I mean, monogamy! Vanessa sits at the vanity with her back turned. AUSTIN Hello? Vanessa? What are you doing, luv? VANESSA (back turned) Just putting on my-- As Vanessa turns around she puts her hands up and PULLS OFF HER FACE revealing wires, transistors, and a speaker where her mouth should be. FEMBOT VANESSA (computer voice) MAKE-UP! AUSTIN (frightened) Vanessa, you're a Fembot! They fight. Midway through the fight, machine guns pop out of Vanessa's breasts. AUSTIN Machine gun jubblies, how did I miss those? VANESSA (robot voice) PERHAPS NEXT TIME YOU SHOULD TRY FOREPLAY. Her machine gun breasts FIRE, spraying the room in SLO-MO. Then they run out of ammo and CLICK, CLICK. Austin empties his gun into the robot, but to no avail. She rushes at him, he gives her a judo chop, also to no avail. Then Austin' notices a SELF-DESTRUCT switch and hits it. She starts to twitch, her head spins, and she EXPLODES. Fembot parts fly around the room. Austin sits on the bed, saddened. He holds Vanessa's hand, which has wires hanging out of it. On one of the fingers is her wedding ring. MUSIC: VERY SAD PIANO AUSTIN (very sad) I can't believe Vanessa, my bride, my one true love, the woman who taught me the beauty of sharing your whole life with another, the person who taught me the meaning of love, was a Fembot. How will I ever go on? (beat) Wait a tic! That means I'm single! Oh, behave! INT. LOBBY - HOTEL Rich European guests mill about the luxurious lobby. Suddenly, Austin dances through naked. Just as we are about to see his bits and pieces, a man lifts up his suitcase. AUSTIN Yeah, baby, I'm free! I'm naked and free! SEQUENCE CREDIT MUSIC: Soul Bassanova by QUINCY JONES PAN UP Austin's NAKED body as he walks down a boardwalk. Just as the camera reaches that most sensitive of areas, a credit appears STARRING MIKE MYERS. Austin gives a big 'who me?' and we FREEZE FRAME. EXT. BOARDWALK - FRENCH RIVERA European types stare and point. We see Austin from behind. His bottom half is blocked by a bicycle. The bicycle moves away. Just as Austin's bum is about to be revealed- A CREDIT APPEARS blocking it. Austin turns his head around to the camera and puts his hand to his mouth in an 'oh my!' take and we FREEZE FRAME. A MAN IN A RAINCOAT flashes Austin, his thingy blocked by a credit. Austin just laughs...crazy, man! Austin goes around a corner. A moment later he returns, followed by a NUDE MARCHING BAND. A SIGN on the left side of the screen reads "Warning! Nude Beach". Austin enters from the left. We see his naked, hairy torso from the waist up. Just as he is about to appear from behind the sign, a... CREDIT APPEARS MOVING LEFT TO RIGHT Blocking his penis lengthwise as he walks. NUDE BEACH - CREDIT SEQUENCE A girl sits on a blanket; a HORIZONTAL CREDIT blocks her bare chest. Austin lays on his back beside her, trying to be suave; A VERTICAL CREDIT appears. The wind blows away a kite, revealing a stark-naked girl. The credit "PRODUCTION DESIGN" blocks her chest; the credit "BY" blocks her you-know-what. Austin walks into frame; the "PRODUCTION DESIGNER'S NAME" disguises his growing interest. Austin joins a nude volleyball game in progress. CREDITS appear everywhere to block all possible combinations of nudity. People leap in all directions to make saves, causing CREDITS TO APPEAR at crazy angles. A pretty girl watches Austin lift weights. Her boobs are blocked by the "WRITTEN BY" credit. Austin lifts a dumbbell. The credit "MIKE MYERS" sticks out from his waist. Austin looks proud. A BUFF NAKED BODYBUILDER joins them. He lifts a much heavier weight. A much longer credit sticks out from his waist: "AND MICHAEL MCCULLERS". Austin pouts. Austin runs down the beach, his bum blocked by the credit "DIRECTED BY". He jumps on a trampoline and does the splits in mid-air: FREEZE FRAME AND PAN AROUND LIKE IN THE GAP "KHAKI SWING" AD. Austin smiles crazily, his penis blocked by "JAY ROACH." Austin does a super-duper double flip into his JAGUAR. AUSTIN Shaguar, baby, yeah! CU on the chrome script on the grill: it reads "Shaguar" where it would normally read "Jaguar". The car speeds off. FULL SCREEN TV JERRY SPRINGER SHOW On the stage we see a Klansman father and his Klansman son, a Nazi father and his Nazi son, and SCOTT EVIL all seated on a panel. Lower Third Chyron: "MY FATHER IS EVIL AND WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" JERRY SPRINGER If you just joined us, today's topic is "my father is evil and wants to take over the world". Now, Bobby, you had something you wanted to share with your father before the break. BOBBY Dad, I know you're against race mixing and all that, but I met someone... KLANSMAN Don't say it! The crowd WHOOPS. BOBBY I met someone... and he's black. The crowd goes crazy. KLANSMAN He? The Klansman holds his hooded head in his hands. JERRY SPRINGER Please welcome Tim. A handsome Blair Underwood look-alike enters and hugs the Klansman's son. The crowd screams. JERRY MOVES TO SCOTT EVIL. JERRY SPRINGER Now Scott, tell us about your father. Share with us. SCOTT Well he's the head of an evil organization that has aspirations for world domination. JERRY SPRINGER And where is your father right now? SCOTT He's in outer space, like frozen in a giant egg and stuffed inside a Big Boy rocket with his cat, Mr. Bigglesworth. JERRY SPRINGER Really? Well, we have a surprise for you, Scott. Let's bring out SCOTT'S father, Dr Evil. Dr Evil enters. Lower Third Chyron: "WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" DR. EVIL Hello Scott, I'm back. SCOTT I can't believe you'd do this to me on national television! DR. EVIL They offered me a free makeover. JERRY SPRINGER Dr. Evil, we've seen a lot of the fathers here today open up to their sons, sons to the fathers. Is there anything you'd like to share? DR. EVIL Share? JERRY SPRINGER Yes, don't you have any secrets? DR. EVIL OK. I have a vestigial tail. Everyone is a little grossed out. DR. EVIL It's more of a nub, really. The spine just goes on a little longer than it should. Also, I've dabbled. I mean, perform fellatio once and you're a poet, twice and you're a homosexual. I remember once I was being fisted by Sebastian Cabot- but here's where the story gets interesting. He was lactose-intolerant. He could eat red meat all night long, but one sip of milk and it was gastric hell. And I remember we were caught in fragrance delicto by Henry Kissinger, and you can imagine my humiliation at having Hank hear me say, "Mr. French, no teeth." One of my greatest disappointments is that I never became a song and dance man. I could have been a quadruple threat, kind of like a despotic Ken Barry. Dancer, singer, actor, and I would possess nuclear weapons, the latter being the most threatening of the four. I once sat on a bus and tried to will myself a menstrual cycle. All I ended up with was a sense of failure and a mild neuralgia in my incisor teeth and perhaps a grudging respect for the weaker sex. I love toe cleavage. For the most part I distrust dogs. I slept in a horse once. It was quite roomy. On second thought, it was the Ritz. I named my left testicle 'piss' and my right testicle 'vinegar'. I wrote "It's Raining Men", or so the Christmas babies told me. Oh yes, I also made a Marzipan voodoo effigy of The Fonze while I was in coma after smoking some Peruvian prayer hash, but who at the end of the day can honestly say they haven't done that? The Springer audience is stunned, slack-jawed and for once quiet. KLANSMAN What are you, some kind of freak? SCOTT Shut up, jagoff! Studio audience whoops at this. KLANSMAN I'll kick your ass punk! Crowd goes crazy. DR. EVIL No one talks to my boy that way! Dr. Evil charges at Klansman and starts to bitch slap him. Security men, with headsets on, rush in to separate them. DR. EVIL I'm OK, I'm OK. There is a BEAT, then Dr. Evil CHARGES the guy again, knocking him down. DR. EVIL Come Scott, let's go to daddy's new evil lair. EXT. WORLD HEADQUARTERS BUILDING - DAY We pan up a modern office building. The camera reaches the top of the building and we see a giant STARBUCKS LOGO and the words: Starbucks World Headquarters. INT. STARBUCKS BOARD ROOM The penthouse boardroom is adorned with Starbucks paraphernalia: large logo, clear canisters full of beans, and a large world map with a little logo everywhere there is a Starbucks. Around a large table are Dr. Evil, Number Two (bandaged and lightly spotted with soot), Frau, Scott and a couple of NEW HENCHMEN. A Starbucks employee serves everyone steaming hot coffee products. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, as the legitimate frontman of your organization, I seized upon the opportunity to invest in a small Seattle-based coffee company several years ago. Today, Starbucks is a far- flung empire with 2000 outlets worldwide. DR. EVIL Oh good, Number Two, I do enjoy a good cuppa joe. NUMBER TWO If I may continue, I believe if we shift our resources away from world domination and focus on providing premium quality coffee drinks, we can increase our gross profits fivefold. Dr. Evil takes a sip of cappuccino, leaving a WHITE FROTHY MILK MUSTACHE on his upper lip. DR. EVIL Right. Perhaps you've confused me with someone who gives a shit. Might I remind you that I run the show here? I demand a little respect. NUMBER TWO (indicating Dr. Evil's milk mustache) Dr. Evil, I think you-- DR. EVIL Silence! I will not tolerate your insolence! Remember what happened last time. FLASHBACK (FOOTAGE FROM FIRST MOVIE) Number Two disappears backwards into the fiery pit. INT. STARBUCKS WORLD HEADQUARTERS Number Two smiles weakly, breaking into a sweat on his brow. NUMBER TWO May I add, I appreciate you reinstating me after our little... misunderstanding. DR. EVIL Frau Farbissina. Wie gehts is einen? We see Frau. She looks a little more 'masculine' than before. FRAU Zehr gut, Herr Doctor. DR. EVIL How are things? FRAU I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak it's name. To my right is my lover. We see a severe-looking German woman with one continuous eyebrow. FRAU Her name is Unibrau. I met her on the LPGA Tour. DR. EVIL Right on. Welcome, Unibrau. Dr. Evil takes another sip of cappuccino, making the frothy milk mustache even larger. FRAU Doctor, you have a 'milk mustache.' DR. EVIL (wiping it off, embarrassed) Oh, I know. I know. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I'd like to introduce the Greek assassin, Oedipus. We see a swarthy Greek army guy. DR. EVIL Welcome to my private army, Oedipus. Excited? OEDIPUS I could give a shit. DR. EVIL Kiss your mother with that mouth? OEDIPUS Yes. DR. EVIL Of course you do. Dr Evil begins to press a button labelled "Oedipus" on his control panel, but Number Two interrupts. NUMBER TWO (clearing throat) Dr. Evil, as you know, the rate at which you liquidate henchmen far exceeds our ability to replace them. DR. EVIL I have so few pleasures left to me, Number Two. The key to life is to rotate your vices. One day it's executions, another day it's creamy French cheese. It's like frickin' heroin. NUMBER TWO Well, Dr. Evil, perhaps I have the answer. While you were frozen, we began a program to clone you. DR. EVIL Cool. NUMBER TWO We had a few glitches, but I think you'll be pleased with the results. FRAU (shouting) Send in the clone! MUSIC: dramatic sting We see the shadow of an approaching figure. The shadow looks like Dr. Evil, only much larger and scarier. NUMBER TWO He is identical to you in every way, except he is one-eighth your size. We see that the source of the shadow is a MINIATURE DR. EVIL, just like the creepy mini-Marlon Brando in The Island of Dr. Moreau. He mimics Dr. Evil's mannerisms including holding his tiny pinky to his tiny mouth. DR. EVIL Breathtaking. I shall call him Mini- Me. (to clone) Mini-Me, you will sit to my right. Mini-Me sits down in a miniature version of Dr. Evil's command chair. DR. EVIL Come Mr. Bigglesworth! The bald Mr. Bigglesworth runs and jumps into Dr. Evil's lap. A bald MR. BIGGLESWORTH KITTEN jumps into Mini-Me's lap. DR. EVIL Mini-me, something to eat? (expectant pause) No? (pause) OK. (to room) Tired. Gentleman, I have a plan. As you know, the most powerful man in the world is the President of the United States. But he is just that- a man, subject to temptations of the flesh like any other man. Here's what we do: we make it seem that the President has had "extra-marital oral relations" with- and this is the kicker- DRAMATIC STING, SNAP ZOOM TO DR. EVIL. DR. EVIL With a White House intern! Dr. Evil gloats. So does Mini-Me. NUMBER TWO (clearing his throat) Uh-hem. DR. EVIL What, that already happened? Number Two nods. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous. Oh well, how about a frickin' time machine? Does the president have a time machine? Have I been scooped on that? NUMBER TWO No, not that I'm aware of. DR. EVIL Alright, time machine it is. As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen? SCOTT Because you never kill him when you get the chance and you're a dope? Mini-Me hops upon the table and tries to push the "Scott Evil" button on Dr. Evil's control panel. Frau SQUIRTS him with a water bottle. Mini-Me glares at Scott and GIVES HIM THE FINGER. DR. EVIL No, because Austin Powers has "mojo". NUMBER TWO Mojo? FRAU Yes, mojo. The mojo is the life force, the essence, the libido, the "right stuff". DR. EVIL It's what the French call a certain 'I don't know what.' SCOTT If you've got a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill Austin Powers when he's a baby or something? DR. EVIL No, no, no. NUMBER TWO (interrupting) Dr. Evil, wouldn't it be easier to use your knowledge of the future to play the stock market? We could literally make trillions. DR. EVIL (smug laugh to himself) Why make trillions when we could make... (pause) Billions? NUMBER TWO Excuse me? DR. EVIL Why think small is all I'm saying. SCOTT A trillion is more than a billion, numb-nuts. DR. EVIL Zip it. Unveil the time portal! A wall panel opens to reveal a Stargate-like wall of shimmering energy. DR. EVIL Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the time portal. As you know, Austin Powers was frozen in 1967. Therefore, I time travel to 1969, two years after he was frozen. Security will be lax and I'll strike when he is totally helpless. First, I take Austin Powers' mojo. Then I begin my domination of the world. SCOTT Can I come? DR. EVIL No, Scott, Daddy has a score to settle. Austin Powers is the snake to my mongoose, or the mongoose to my snake. Either way it's bad, I don't know animals. But I do know this: This time it's personal. Frau, Number 2, I'll see you both in 1969. Come, Mini-Me. Dr. Evil walks to the portal. Mini-Me follows, imitating him perfectly. They enter the portal. There is a FREEZE FRAME effect and they FADE AWAY, like in Star Trek. INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - Dr. Evil and Mini-Me emerge on the other side of the portal into a NEW LAIR. It is a large hollowed-out volcano room dominated by chrome conduits and tasteful art pieces. A younger Frau sits with NUMBER TWO, now played by ROB LOWE in an eye-patch. DR. EVIL Ah, here we are Mini-Me, 1969. Number Two, you look very youthful and healthy. (turning to Frau) And Frau you look...right. As Dr. Evil walks to the center of the room, chairs rise from the floor. Everyone takes a seat, but Dr. Evil gets caught in the middle as chairs rise around him. He is frightened. One of the rising chairs hits him in the crotch. DR. EVIL OK, people, we now officially have a chair problem. If another one of these chairs hits me in the nuts, I'm gonna go postal. Mini-Me, I want you to meet Number Two. NUMBER TWO Hello there. Mini-me says nothing. DR. EVIL Mini-Me? Mini-me still says nothing. DR. EVIL Shy. Low blood sugar. (to room) Gentlemen, Phase Two is beginning. I have an operative inside the Ministry of Defense. By this time tomorrow, Austin Powers' mojo will be mine. Dr. Evil goes over and looks out the large window. DR. EVIL (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! EXT. DR. EVIL'S TROPICAL ISLAND - We cut outside to see that window is in fact the left eye of a Mt. Rushmore-type depiction of Dr. Evil carved into the side of a volcano on a tropical island. DR. EVIL (V.O.) (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! INT. MOD - CRYOGENIC FREEZING ROOM - We see Austin's FROZEN BODY in cryogenic storage. Above it, we see two digital clocks. One reads: CURRENT DATE: MAY 25, 1969, the other reads: DATE FROZEN: NOVEMBER 11, 1967. One of the SCOTS GUARDS, is an IMMENSELY FAT SCOTTISH SOLDIER (played by Mike Myers). BRITISH COLONEL We've had reports that there's a spy in the Ministry of Defense. The contents of this room are vital to the country. Be on special alert. FAT SOLDIER (thick Scottish accent) Those bastards will have to kill me before I let anything happen to this wee naked hairy popsicle, sir! BRITISH COLONEL Very good. And try and lose some weight for God's sake! They exchange salutes and the Colonel exits. FAT SOLDIER Yessir! (sotto after the Colonel) I outta smash your teeth out with a Toffee Hammer Mr. English Colonel Telling-Me-What-To-Do-And-Stealing- our-Oil-Refusing-To-Recognize- our- Scottish-Independence! The Fat Soldier begins to play the BAGPIPES, a white vapor comes out of them, filling the room. The other soldiers COLLAPSE, unconscious. He bores through the ice and pulls out a Sixties high-tech syringe type device with an LED graph on the side. He places it in Austin's navel. The LED meter goes from red to green, indicating FULL MOJO. EXT./INT. AUSTIN'S SHAGUAR - DRIVING - DAY Austin drives in MODERN TRAFFIC. He is drinking a STARBUCKS COFFEE and listening to the Jag's in-dash CD PLAYER. Suddenly Austin DROOPS. The car starts to sputter. The fuel gauge reads empty. AUSTIN Gor blimey, I'm on empty! That's funny, I just filled the Shaguar up this morning. Austin hits a button on the dashboard. BASIL EXPOSITION appears on the picture phone in the dash. BASIL EXPOSITION (on picture phone) Hello, I'm Basil Exposition, head of British Intelligence. AUSTIN You always are, Basil. Listen, the weirdest thing just happened, I've run out of petrol. BASIL EXPOSITION We'll send a man around immediately. How was your honeymoon? AUSTIN Vanessa tried to kill me, Basil. She was a Fembot! BASIL EXPOSITION Ah women, who can understand them? Moving on, let's discuss your new case. AUSTIN New case? Very shagadelic, Basil! BASIL EXPOSITION You'll be doing a photo shoot. We know that one of the models is an ex- KGB agent selling top secret material to the highest bidder. AUSTIN That sounds easy enough, you know what they say: all work and no shagging makes Austin a dull boy, man! INT. SKI LODGE Austin sets up his photo equipment. The room is decorated in classic Heffner- bear skin rugs, leather chairs, roaring fire. AUSTIN (looking around) Tres chic, baby. REG, the photo assistant, enters. REG Austin, the models are ready. AUSTIN Ta, Reg. Bless your cotton socks. Hey, Reg, do you have any hobbies? REG What? AUSTIN Hobbies, man! I for one enjoy making models! The models make their entrance. They are REAL SUPERMODELS, say CINDY CRAWFORD, REBECCA ROMAJIN and also one MODEL we don't know. SUPERMODELS (circling Austin) It's him! Oh my God! It's Austin Powers! Austin shoots a look to Reg like 'still got it, baby.' AUSTIN One at a time, girls. One. At. A. Time! CINDY Hi, I'm Cindy. I don't believe I've had the pleasure. AUSTIN Of course you haven't had "The Pleasure", we just met, baby, yeah! REBECCA How do you do, Austin? I'm Rebecca. (indicating the photo gear) Your equipment is quite impressive. AUSTIN Thank you. Your breasts are amazing. Austin comes to the unknown model. She is tall and angular. AUSTIN And what's your name, baby? MODEL (thick Russian accent) Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN Excuse me? IVANA Ivana. Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN And I vanna toilet made of solid gold but it's just not in the cards, now is it? Austin looks over the girls, trying to decide who is the spy. AUSTIN (V.O.) (inner monologue) Now, which one is the Russian spy? Cindy Crawford, Rebecca Romajin... or Ivana Humpalot? Think, man, think! Austin begins snapping pictures. The sequence is shot like a photo shoot, with freeze frames, etc. AUSTIN Alright, baby! Love it. Turn and pout for me baby! Smashing! Cindy gets on all fours. AUSTIN Great, darling. Give me some shoulder. Yes, yes, yes. (angry) No! No! FULL FRAME, cover of Vogue. Cindy with her head framed out. AUSTIN (to Rebecca) Show me love. Smashing! You're an animal. You're a tiger. Be a tiger, baby! You're great! You're Grrrrrr- eat! You're Tony, be corn flakes, baby, be frosted. Now be a lemur, baby! You're a ring-tailed lemur. Rebecca looks confused. REBECCA A lemur? AUSTIN A small mammal native to the African savannah. C'mon baby, you know. Like this! (imitating lemur) OK, predator coming! Now, burrow, burrow! You're a lemur. It's all you've got. (beat) I take it back. Be a tiger again. Smashing! FULL FRAME, Rebecca on the cover of National--Geographic. AUSTIN And... done! I'm spent! Austin throws his camera to Reg, who catches it. REG Hel-lo, you forgot about Ivana. AUSTIN I didn't forget, baby. Miss Humpalot and I are going to have a 'private session'. Reg shows the girls out as they PROTEST. Austin and Ivana are left alone. Austin CLAPS TWICE and the lights dim. He CLAPS again and the fire goes up. MUSIC: I'm Never Going To Fall in Love Again by BURT BACHARACH IVANA When did you get "The Clapper"? AUSTIN November, 1964, Dutch East Indies, shore leave. IVANA Are you cold, Mr. Powers? AUSTIN I once had a bad experience with frostbite. I had to dip my tadger into a brandy snifter. Ivana moves over to a chessboard set up nearby. IVANA Do you know how we keep warm in Russia? AUSTIN I can guess, baby. IVANA We play chess. AUSTIN I guessed wrong. IVANA It takes a keen intelligence to play chess. Of course, you know what they say about men with big brains, don't you? AUSTIN They wear large hats? IVANA No, they make better lovers. AUSTIN Wrong again. Ivana starts playing with the chess pieces sexily (like in The Thomas Crowne Affair). IVANA I assume you know how to play. She runs the bishop across her lips sexily. AUSTIN Of course. The... horsey... moves in an L shape. Austin tries to match her sexy moves and CHOKES on a piece. AUSTIN Let's stop playing games with each other... especially difficult ones. May I ask you a question, Miss Humpalot? IVANA Of course. AUSTIN Do I make you horny? Do I? Austin rolls around on the polar bear rug. IVANA I'll tell you anything you want to know, just make love to me. She pulls his shirt off, revealing his prodigious chest hair. IVANA You are hairy, like an animal! AUSTIN (growling and barking) Grrrr, baby. Austin takes the head of the bear skin rug. AUSTIN Grrrr. Ruf! Ruf! (covers the bear's eyes) Wait a tick, I don't want him watching me while I'm on the job! IVANA Make love to me, monkey man. AUSTIN Groovy, baby! We pan around the room, seeing all the stuffed and mounted wildlife who seem to be watching. Suddenly the camera stops. So does the music. IVANA (O.S.) What's the matter? CUT TO: MONTAGE - VARIOUS STOCK FOOTAGE A tall flower wilts and beds over. A souffle falls. A flag is lowered to half mast. A giant redwood falls in a forest. A hot air balloon deflates and falls. An actual scientific diagram of a penis in the refractory period. INT. LODGE AUSTIN (to camera) Crikey, I've lost my mojo. EXT. LONDON STREETS (STOCK FOOTAGE) An ambulance races through the streets, SIREN BLARING. EXT. MINISTRY OF DEFENSE SUPER: "MINISTRY OF DEFENSE" INT. MOD - HALLWAY Basil hurries through, pushing past TECHNICIANS and WORKERS. BASIL EXPOSITION Where is he? In here? INT. MOD - LAB Basil enters. Cross between a hospital room and a lab. Austin lies in bed hooked up to lots of monitoring equipment. BASIL EXPOSITION Austin, I came as soon as I heard. AUSTIN There must be some kind of mistake, Basil. Maybe I was drunk and I didn't know it. Austin holds his neck very stiffly. BASIL EXPOSITION What's wrong with your neck, Austin? AUSTIN (turning stiffly to face Basil) I took a Viagra and it got caught in my throat. I've had a stiff neck for hours. Basil, is it true? Have I lost my mojo? BASIL EXPOSITION We're going to run a few tests, Austin. Don't worry, old friend, we'll get to the bottom of this. INT. MRI MACHINE Austin is being loaded into one of those big scary MRI machines: the MOJONATOR 9000. The mojo meter reads VERY LOW. INT. MOD LAB MONTAGE (TIME-LAPSE): Technicians in white suits and masks transform the room into a love lair: A pair of Latex-gloved hands carefully puts a BURT BACHARACH record on a turntable. Examination lights are replaced with LAVA LAMPS. A tray is brought in with a videotape marked "SWEDISH EDUCATIONAL FILM." Finally, the transformation is complete. Austin lies in bed reading a vintage PLAYBOY. A CANDY STRIPE NURSE enters, very pretty, in a tight outfit. NURSE Excuse me, Mr. Powers, I need to give you a sponge bath before we begin the test. AUSTIN (not paying attention to her) Alright, miss, just let me finish this article on the Suez crisis. An ALARM goes off. Bright LIGHTS come on. Basil enters. AUSTIN What's going on? BASIL EXPOSITION Alright, everyone, we're done. AUSTIN But the test hasn't even started!

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How many times the word 'lobby' appears in the text?

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Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME By Mike Myers MUSIC: timpani roll and dramatic sting NARRATOR In his last adventure, Austin Powers, a swinging spy from the Sixties, was unfrozen in the Nineties to battle his archenemy Dr. Evil. Austin foiled Dr. Evil's plan to send a nuclear warhead to the center of the earth and banished him into space forever. Or so he thought. EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT (ESTABLISHING SHOT FROM FIRST MOVIE) SUPER: THE FRENCH RIVIERA INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY Elegant double doors with a brass plaque reading "Honeymoon Suite." A "Do Not-Disturb" sign hangs from the handle. INT. HOTEL SUITE FROM THE FIRST MOVIE: Austin and Vanessa snuggle in bed. She plays with his chest hair. VANESSA I love you, Mr. Powers. AUSTIN And I love you, Mrs. Powers. SHOT TO MATCH EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin gets out of bed. We see Vanessa putting on her robe from behind, and then EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa kiss. VANESSA Let's go out on the terrace. It's a beautiful night, we can look at the stars. EXT. HOTEL BALCONY EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa gaze at the stars. AUSTIN Look how beautiful the night sky is. VANESSA Isn't that the big dipper? AUSTIN Yeah, and that looks just like Uranus. VANESSA Austin! AUSTIN (sheepish) Well, you know. VANESSA Hey, I've never seen that big star before. AUSTIN Yeah, what is that? Austin pulls out his telescope and takes a look. AUSTIN'S POV - TELESCOPE EFFECT EXT. SPACE EXISTING SHOT: The Bob's Big Boy rocket. INT. DR. EVIL'S CAPSULE DR. EVIL This isn't over yet, Mr. Powers. I have one more trick up my sleeve, don't I Mr. Bigglesworth? The frozen Mr. Bigglesworth MEOWS. EXT. SPACE The Bob's Big Boy rocket. Suddenly, a hatch opens in Bob's rear end and Dr. Evil's silver egg capsule poops out. SFX: PLOOP! Capsule begins fiery re-entry to Earth INT. HOTEL ROOM Austin comes in and shuts the balcony door. AUSTIN Oh well, I guess it was nothing. A VANESSA DOUBLE crosses carrying a bouquet of flowers, which obscure her face. AUSTIN Care for some champagne? (pouring) Here's to monotony-- I mean, monogamy! Vanessa sits at the vanity with her back turned. AUSTIN Hello? Vanessa? What are you doing, luv? VANESSA (back turned) Just putting on my-- As Vanessa turns around she puts her hands up and PULLS OFF HER FACE revealing wires, transistors, and a speaker where her mouth should be. FEMBOT VANESSA (computer voice) MAKE-UP! AUSTIN (frightened) Vanessa, you're a Fembot! They fight. Midway through the fight, machine guns pop out of Vanessa's breasts. AUSTIN Machine gun jubblies, how did I miss those? VANESSA (robot voice) PERHAPS NEXT TIME YOU SHOULD TRY FOREPLAY. Her machine gun breasts FIRE, spraying the room in SLO-MO. Then they run out of ammo and CLICK, CLICK. Austin empties his gun into the robot, but to no avail. She rushes at him, he gives her a judo chop, also to no avail. Then Austin' notices a SELF-DESTRUCT switch and hits it. She starts to twitch, her head spins, and she EXPLODES. Fembot parts fly around the room. Austin sits on the bed, saddened. He holds Vanessa's hand, which has wires hanging out of it. On one of the fingers is her wedding ring. MUSIC: VERY SAD PIANO AUSTIN (very sad) I can't believe Vanessa, my bride, my one true love, the woman who taught me the beauty of sharing your whole life with another, the person who taught me the meaning of love, was a Fembot. How will I ever go on? (beat) Wait a tic! That means I'm single! Oh, behave! INT. LOBBY - HOTEL Rich European guests mill about the luxurious lobby. Suddenly, Austin dances through naked. Just as we are about to see his bits and pieces, a man lifts up his suitcase. AUSTIN Yeah, baby, I'm free! I'm naked and free! SEQUENCE CREDIT MUSIC: Soul Bassanova by QUINCY JONES PAN UP Austin's NAKED body as he walks down a boardwalk. Just as the camera reaches that most sensitive of areas, a credit appears STARRING MIKE MYERS. Austin gives a big 'who me?' and we FREEZE FRAME. EXT. BOARDWALK - FRENCH RIVERA European types stare and point. We see Austin from behind. His bottom half is blocked by a bicycle. The bicycle moves away. Just as Austin's bum is about to be revealed- A CREDIT APPEARS blocking it. Austin turns his head around to the camera and puts his hand to his mouth in an 'oh my!' take and we FREEZE FRAME. A MAN IN A RAINCOAT flashes Austin, his thingy blocked by a credit. Austin just laughs...crazy, man! Austin goes around a corner. A moment later he returns, followed by a NUDE MARCHING BAND. A SIGN on the left side of the screen reads "Warning! Nude Beach". Austin enters from the left. We see his naked, hairy torso from the waist up. Just as he is about to appear from behind the sign, a... CREDIT APPEARS MOVING LEFT TO RIGHT Blocking his penis lengthwise as he walks. NUDE BEACH - CREDIT SEQUENCE A girl sits on a blanket; a HORIZONTAL CREDIT blocks her bare chest. Austin lays on his back beside her, trying to be suave; A VERTICAL CREDIT appears. The wind blows away a kite, revealing a stark-naked girl. The credit "PRODUCTION DESIGN" blocks her chest; the credit "BY" blocks her you-know-what. Austin walks into frame; the "PRODUCTION DESIGNER'S NAME" disguises his growing interest. Austin joins a nude volleyball game in progress. CREDITS appear everywhere to block all possible combinations of nudity. People leap in all directions to make saves, causing CREDITS TO APPEAR at crazy angles. A pretty girl watches Austin lift weights. Her boobs are blocked by the "WRITTEN BY" credit. Austin lifts a dumbbell. The credit "MIKE MYERS" sticks out from his waist. Austin looks proud. A BUFF NAKED BODYBUILDER joins them. He lifts a much heavier weight. A much longer credit sticks out from his waist: "AND MICHAEL MCCULLERS". Austin pouts. Austin runs down the beach, his bum blocked by the credit "DIRECTED BY". He jumps on a trampoline and does the splits in mid-air: FREEZE FRAME AND PAN AROUND LIKE IN THE GAP "KHAKI SWING" AD. Austin smiles crazily, his penis blocked by "JAY ROACH." Austin does a super-duper double flip into his JAGUAR. AUSTIN Shaguar, baby, yeah! CU on the chrome script on the grill: it reads "Shaguar" where it would normally read "Jaguar". The car speeds off. FULL SCREEN TV JERRY SPRINGER SHOW On the stage we see a Klansman father and his Klansman son, a Nazi father and his Nazi son, and SCOTT EVIL all seated on a panel. Lower Third Chyron: "MY FATHER IS EVIL AND WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" JERRY SPRINGER If you just joined us, today's topic is "my father is evil and wants to take over the world". Now, Bobby, you had something you wanted to share with your father before the break. BOBBY Dad, I know you're against race mixing and all that, but I met someone... KLANSMAN Don't say it! The crowd WHOOPS. BOBBY I met someone... and he's black. The crowd goes crazy. KLANSMAN He? The Klansman holds his hooded head in his hands. JERRY SPRINGER Please welcome Tim. A handsome Blair Underwood look-alike enters and hugs the Klansman's son. The crowd screams. JERRY MOVES TO SCOTT EVIL. JERRY SPRINGER Now Scott, tell us about your father. Share with us. SCOTT Well he's the head of an evil organization that has aspirations for world domination. JERRY SPRINGER And where is your father right now? SCOTT He's in outer space, like frozen in a giant egg and stuffed inside a Big Boy rocket with his cat, Mr. Bigglesworth. JERRY SPRINGER Really? Well, we have a surprise for you, Scott. Let's bring out SCOTT'S father, Dr Evil. Dr Evil enters. Lower Third Chyron: "WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" DR. EVIL Hello Scott, I'm back. SCOTT I can't believe you'd do this to me on national television! DR. EVIL They offered me a free makeover. JERRY SPRINGER Dr. Evil, we've seen a lot of the fathers here today open up to their sons, sons to the fathers. Is there anything you'd like to share? DR. EVIL Share? JERRY SPRINGER Yes, don't you have any secrets? DR. EVIL OK. I have a vestigial tail. Everyone is a little grossed out. DR. EVIL It's more of a nub, really. The spine just goes on a little longer than it should. Also, I've dabbled. I mean, perform fellatio once and you're a poet, twice and you're a homosexual. I remember once I was being fisted by Sebastian Cabot- but here's where the story gets interesting. He was lactose-intolerant. He could eat red meat all night long, but one sip of milk and it was gastric hell. And I remember we were caught in fragrance delicto by Henry Kissinger, and you can imagine my humiliation at having Hank hear me say, "Mr. French, no teeth." One of my greatest disappointments is that I never became a song and dance man. I could have been a quadruple threat, kind of like a despotic Ken Barry. Dancer, singer, actor, and I would possess nuclear weapons, the latter being the most threatening of the four. I once sat on a bus and tried to will myself a menstrual cycle. All I ended up with was a sense of failure and a mild neuralgia in my incisor teeth and perhaps a grudging respect for the weaker sex. I love toe cleavage. For the most part I distrust dogs. I slept in a horse once. It was quite roomy. On second thought, it was the Ritz. I named my left testicle 'piss' and my right testicle 'vinegar'. I wrote "It's Raining Men", or so the Christmas babies told me. Oh yes, I also made a Marzipan voodoo effigy of The Fonze while I was in coma after smoking some Peruvian prayer hash, but who at the end of the day can honestly say they haven't done that? The Springer audience is stunned, slack-jawed and for once quiet. KLANSMAN What are you, some kind of freak? SCOTT Shut up, jagoff! Studio audience whoops at this. KLANSMAN I'll kick your ass punk! Crowd goes crazy. DR. EVIL No one talks to my boy that way! Dr. Evil charges at Klansman and starts to bitch slap him. Security men, with headsets on, rush in to separate them. DR. EVIL I'm OK, I'm OK. There is a BEAT, then Dr. Evil CHARGES the guy again, knocking him down. DR. EVIL Come Scott, let's go to daddy's new evil lair. EXT. WORLD HEADQUARTERS BUILDING - DAY We pan up a modern office building. The camera reaches the top of the building and we see a giant STARBUCKS LOGO and the words: Starbucks World Headquarters. INT. STARBUCKS BOARD ROOM The penthouse boardroom is adorned with Starbucks paraphernalia: large logo, clear canisters full of beans, and a large world map with a little logo everywhere there is a Starbucks. Around a large table are Dr. Evil, Number Two (bandaged and lightly spotted with soot), Frau, Scott and a couple of NEW HENCHMEN. A Starbucks employee serves everyone steaming hot coffee products. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, as the legitimate frontman of your organization, I seized upon the opportunity to invest in a small Seattle-based coffee company several years ago. Today, Starbucks is a far- flung empire with 2000 outlets worldwide. DR. EVIL Oh good, Number Two, I do enjoy a good cuppa joe. NUMBER TWO If I may continue, I believe if we shift our resources away from world domination and focus on providing premium quality coffee drinks, we can increase our gross profits fivefold. Dr. Evil takes a sip of cappuccino, leaving a WHITE FROTHY MILK MUSTACHE on his upper lip. DR. EVIL Right. Perhaps you've confused me with someone who gives a shit. Might I remind you that I run the show here? I demand a little respect. NUMBER TWO (indicating Dr. Evil's milk mustache) Dr. Evil, I think you-- DR. EVIL Silence! I will not tolerate your insolence! Remember what happened last time. FLASHBACK (FOOTAGE FROM FIRST MOVIE) Number Two disappears backwards into the fiery pit. INT. STARBUCKS WORLD HEADQUARTERS Number Two smiles weakly, breaking into a sweat on his brow. NUMBER TWO May I add, I appreciate you reinstating me after our little... misunderstanding. DR. EVIL Frau Farbissina. Wie gehts is einen? We see Frau. She looks a little more 'masculine' than before. FRAU Zehr gut, Herr Doctor. DR. EVIL How are things? FRAU I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak it's name. To my right is my lover. We see a severe-looking German woman with one continuous eyebrow. FRAU Her name is Unibrau. I met her on the LPGA Tour. DR. EVIL Right on. Welcome, Unibrau. Dr. Evil takes another sip of cappuccino, making the frothy milk mustache even larger. FRAU Doctor, you have a 'milk mustache.' DR. EVIL (wiping it off, embarrassed) Oh, I know. I know. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I'd like to introduce the Greek assassin, Oedipus. We see a swarthy Greek army guy. DR. EVIL Welcome to my private army, Oedipus. Excited? OEDIPUS I could give a shit. DR. EVIL Kiss your mother with that mouth? OEDIPUS Yes. DR. EVIL Of course you do. Dr Evil begins to press a button labelled "Oedipus" on his control panel, but Number Two interrupts. NUMBER TWO (clearing throat) Dr. Evil, as you know, the rate at which you liquidate henchmen far exceeds our ability to replace them. DR. EVIL I have so few pleasures left to me, Number Two. The key to life is to rotate your vices. One day it's executions, another day it's creamy French cheese. It's like frickin' heroin. NUMBER TWO Well, Dr. Evil, perhaps I have the answer. While you were frozen, we began a program to clone you. DR. EVIL Cool. NUMBER TWO We had a few glitches, but I think you'll be pleased with the results. FRAU (shouting) Send in the clone! MUSIC: dramatic sting We see the shadow of an approaching figure. The shadow looks like Dr. Evil, only much larger and scarier. NUMBER TWO He is identical to you in every way, except he is one-eighth your size. We see that the source of the shadow is a MINIATURE DR. EVIL, just like the creepy mini-Marlon Brando in The Island of Dr. Moreau. He mimics Dr. Evil's mannerisms including holding his tiny pinky to his tiny mouth. DR. EVIL Breathtaking. I shall call him Mini- Me. (to clone) Mini-Me, you will sit to my right. Mini-Me sits down in a miniature version of Dr. Evil's command chair. DR. EVIL Come Mr. Bigglesworth! The bald Mr. Bigglesworth runs and jumps into Dr. Evil's lap. A bald MR. BIGGLESWORTH KITTEN jumps into Mini-Me's lap. DR. EVIL Mini-me, something to eat? (expectant pause) No? (pause) OK. (to room) Tired. Gentleman, I have a plan. As you know, the most powerful man in the world is the President of the United States. But he is just that- a man, subject to temptations of the flesh like any other man. Here's what we do: we make it seem that the President has had "extra-marital oral relations" with- and this is the kicker- DRAMATIC STING, SNAP ZOOM TO DR. EVIL. DR. EVIL With a White House intern! Dr. Evil gloats. So does Mini-Me. NUMBER TWO (clearing his throat) Uh-hem. DR. EVIL What, that already happened? Number Two nods. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous. Oh well, how about a frickin' time machine? Does the president have a time machine? Have I been scooped on that? NUMBER TWO No, not that I'm aware of. DR. EVIL Alright, time machine it is. As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen? SCOTT Because you never kill him when you get the chance and you're a dope? Mini-Me hops upon the table and tries to push the "Scott Evil" button on Dr. Evil's control panel. Frau SQUIRTS him with a water bottle. Mini-Me glares at Scott and GIVES HIM THE FINGER. DR. EVIL No, because Austin Powers has "mojo". NUMBER TWO Mojo? FRAU Yes, mojo. The mojo is the life force, the essence, the libido, the "right stuff". DR. EVIL It's what the French call a certain 'I don't know what.' SCOTT If you've got a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill Austin Powers when he's a baby or something? DR. EVIL No, no, no. NUMBER TWO (interrupting) Dr. Evil, wouldn't it be easier to use your knowledge of the future to play the stock market? We could literally make trillions. DR. EVIL (smug laugh to himself) Why make trillions when we could make... (pause) Billions? NUMBER TWO Excuse me? DR. EVIL Why think small is all I'm saying. SCOTT A trillion is more than a billion, numb-nuts. DR. EVIL Zip it. Unveil the time portal! A wall panel opens to reveal a Stargate-like wall of shimmering energy. DR. EVIL Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the time portal. As you know, Austin Powers was frozen in 1967. Therefore, I time travel to 1969, two years after he was frozen. Security will be lax and I'll strike when he is totally helpless. First, I take Austin Powers' mojo. Then I begin my domination of the world. SCOTT Can I come? DR. EVIL No, Scott, Daddy has a score to settle. Austin Powers is the snake to my mongoose, or the mongoose to my snake. Either way it's bad, I don't know animals. But I do know this: This time it's personal. Frau, Number 2, I'll see you both in 1969. Come, Mini-Me. Dr. Evil walks to the portal. Mini-Me follows, imitating him perfectly. They enter the portal. There is a FREEZE FRAME effect and they FADE AWAY, like in Star Trek. INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - Dr. Evil and Mini-Me emerge on the other side of the portal into a NEW LAIR. It is a large hollowed-out volcano room dominated by chrome conduits and tasteful art pieces. A younger Frau sits with NUMBER TWO, now played by ROB LOWE in an eye-patch. DR. EVIL Ah, here we are Mini-Me, 1969. Number Two, you look very youthful and healthy. (turning to Frau) And Frau you look...right. As Dr. Evil walks to the center of the room, chairs rise from the floor. Everyone takes a seat, but Dr. Evil gets caught in the middle as chairs rise around him. He is frightened. One of the rising chairs hits him in the crotch. DR. EVIL OK, people, we now officially have a chair problem. If another one of these chairs hits me in the nuts, I'm gonna go postal. Mini-Me, I want you to meet Number Two. NUMBER TWO Hello there. Mini-me says nothing. DR. EVIL Mini-Me? Mini-me still says nothing. DR. EVIL Shy. Low blood sugar. (to room) Gentlemen, Phase Two is beginning. I have an operative inside the Ministry of Defense. By this time tomorrow, Austin Powers' mojo will be mine. Dr. Evil goes over and looks out the large window. DR. EVIL (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! EXT. DR. EVIL'S TROPICAL ISLAND - We cut outside to see that window is in fact the left eye of a Mt. Rushmore-type depiction of Dr. Evil carved into the side of a volcano on a tropical island. DR. EVIL (V.O.) (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! INT. MOD - CRYOGENIC FREEZING ROOM - We see Austin's FROZEN BODY in cryogenic storage. Above it, we see two digital clocks. One reads: CURRENT DATE: MAY 25, 1969, the other reads: DATE FROZEN: NOVEMBER 11, 1967. One of the SCOTS GUARDS, is an IMMENSELY FAT SCOTTISH SOLDIER (played by Mike Myers). BRITISH COLONEL We've had reports that there's a spy in the Ministry of Defense. The contents of this room are vital to the country. Be on special alert. FAT SOLDIER (thick Scottish accent) Those bastards will have to kill me before I let anything happen to this wee naked hairy popsicle, sir! BRITISH COLONEL Very good. And try and lose some weight for God's sake! They exchange salutes and the Colonel exits. FAT SOLDIER Yessir! (sotto after the Colonel) I outta smash your teeth out with a Toffee Hammer Mr. English Colonel Telling-Me-What-To-Do-And-Stealing- our-Oil-Refusing-To-Recognize- our- Scottish-Independence! The Fat Soldier begins to play the BAGPIPES, a white vapor comes out of them, filling the room. The other soldiers COLLAPSE, unconscious. He bores through the ice and pulls out a Sixties high-tech syringe type device with an LED graph on the side. He places it in Austin's navel. The LED meter goes from red to green, indicating FULL MOJO. EXT./INT. AUSTIN'S SHAGUAR - DRIVING - DAY Austin drives in MODERN TRAFFIC. He is drinking a STARBUCKS COFFEE and listening to the Jag's in-dash CD PLAYER. Suddenly Austin DROOPS. The car starts to sputter. The fuel gauge reads empty. AUSTIN Gor blimey, I'm on empty! That's funny, I just filled the Shaguar up this morning. Austin hits a button on the dashboard. BASIL EXPOSITION appears on the picture phone in the dash. BASIL EXPOSITION (on picture phone) Hello, I'm Basil Exposition, head of British Intelligence. AUSTIN You always are, Basil. Listen, the weirdest thing just happened, I've run out of petrol. BASIL EXPOSITION We'll send a man around immediately. How was your honeymoon? AUSTIN Vanessa tried to kill me, Basil. She was a Fembot! BASIL EXPOSITION Ah women, who can understand them? Moving on, let's discuss your new case. AUSTIN New case? Very shagadelic, Basil! BASIL EXPOSITION You'll be doing a photo shoot. We know that one of the models is an ex- KGB agent selling top secret material to the highest bidder. AUSTIN That sounds easy enough, you know what they say: all work and no shagging makes Austin a dull boy, man! INT. SKI LODGE Austin sets up his photo equipment. The room is decorated in classic Heffner- bear skin rugs, leather chairs, roaring fire. AUSTIN (looking around) Tres chic, baby. REG, the photo assistant, enters. REG Austin, the models are ready. AUSTIN Ta, Reg. Bless your cotton socks. Hey, Reg, do you have any hobbies? REG What? AUSTIN Hobbies, man! I for one enjoy making models! The models make their entrance. They are REAL SUPERMODELS, say CINDY CRAWFORD, REBECCA ROMAJIN and also one MODEL we don't know. SUPERMODELS (circling Austin) It's him! Oh my God! It's Austin Powers! Austin shoots a look to Reg like 'still got it, baby.' AUSTIN One at a time, girls. One. At. A. Time! CINDY Hi, I'm Cindy. I don't believe I've had the pleasure. AUSTIN Of course you haven't had "The Pleasure", we just met, baby, yeah! REBECCA How do you do, Austin? I'm Rebecca. (indicating the photo gear) Your equipment is quite impressive. AUSTIN Thank you. Your breasts are amazing. Austin comes to the unknown model. She is tall and angular. AUSTIN And what's your name, baby? MODEL (thick Russian accent) Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN Excuse me? IVANA Ivana. Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN And I vanna toilet made of solid gold but it's just not in the cards, now is it? Austin looks over the girls, trying to decide who is the spy. AUSTIN (V.O.) (inner monologue) Now, which one is the Russian spy? Cindy Crawford, Rebecca Romajin... or Ivana Humpalot? Think, man, think! Austin begins snapping pictures. The sequence is shot like a photo shoot, with freeze frames, etc. AUSTIN Alright, baby! Love it. Turn and pout for me baby! Smashing! Cindy gets on all fours. AUSTIN Great, darling. Give me some shoulder. Yes, yes, yes. (angry) No! No! FULL FRAME, cover of Vogue. Cindy with her head framed out. AUSTIN (to Rebecca) Show me love. Smashing! You're an animal. You're a tiger. Be a tiger, baby! You're great! You're Grrrrrr- eat! You're Tony, be corn flakes, baby, be frosted. Now be a lemur, baby! You're a ring-tailed lemur. Rebecca looks confused. REBECCA A lemur? AUSTIN A small mammal native to the African savannah. C'mon baby, you know. Like this! (imitating lemur) OK, predator coming! Now, burrow, burrow! You're a lemur. It's all you've got. (beat) I take it back. Be a tiger again. Smashing! FULL FRAME, Rebecca on the cover of National--Geographic. AUSTIN And... done! I'm spent! Austin throws his camera to Reg, who catches it. REG Hel-lo, you forgot about Ivana. AUSTIN I didn't forget, baby. Miss Humpalot and I are going to have a 'private session'. Reg shows the girls out as they PROTEST. Austin and Ivana are left alone. Austin CLAPS TWICE and the lights dim. He CLAPS again and the fire goes up. MUSIC: I'm Never Going To Fall in Love Again by BURT BACHARACH IVANA When did you get "The Clapper"? AUSTIN November, 1964, Dutch East Indies, shore leave. IVANA Are you cold, Mr. Powers? AUSTIN I once had a bad experience with frostbite. I had to dip my tadger into a brandy snifter. Ivana moves over to a chessboard set up nearby. IVANA Do you know how we keep warm in Russia? AUSTIN I can guess, baby. IVANA We play chess. AUSTIN I guessed wrong. IVANA It takes a keen intelligence to play chess. Of course, you know what they say about men with big brains, don't you? AUSTIN They wear large hats? IVANA No, they make better lovers. AUSTIN Wrong again. Ivana starts playing with the chess pieces sexily (like in The Thomas Crowne Affair). IVANA I assume you know how to play. She runs the bishop across her lips sexily. AUSTIN Of course. The... horsey... moves in an L shape. Austin tries to match her sexy moves and CHOKES on a piece. AUSTIN Let's stop playing games with each other... especially difficult ones. May I ask you a question, Miss Humpalot? IVANA Of course. AUSTIN Do I make you horny? Do I? Austin rolls around on the polar bear rug. IVANA I'll tell you anything you want to know, just make love to me. She pulls his shirt off, revealing his prodigious chest hair. IVANA You are hairy, like an animal! AUSTIN (growling and barking) Grrrr, baby. Austin takes the head of the bear skin rug. AUSTIN Grrrr. Ruf! Ruf! (covers the bear's eyes) Wait a tick, I don't want him watching me while I'm on the job! IVANA Make love to me, monkey man. AUSTIN Groovy, baby! We pan around the room, seeing all the stuffed and mounted wildlife who seem to be watching. Suddenly the camera stops. So does the music. IVANA (O.S.) What's the matter? CUT TO: MONTAGE - VARIOUS STOCK FOOTAGE A tall flower wilts and beds over. A souffle falls. A flag is lowered to half mast. A giant redwood falls in a forest. A hot air balloon deflates and falls. An actual scientific diagram of a penis in the refractory period. INT. LODGE AUSTIN (to camera) Crikey, I've lost my mojo. EXT. LONDON STREETS (STOCK FOOTAGE) An ambulance races through the streets, SIREN BLARING. EXT. MINISTRY OF DEFENSE SUPER: "MINISTRY OF DEFENSE" INT. MOD - HALLWAY Basil hurries through, pushing past TECHNICIANS and WORKERS. BASIL EXPOSITION Where is he? In here? INT. MOD - LAB Basil enters. Cross between a hospital room and a lab. Austin lies in bed hooked up to lots of monitoring equipment. BASIL EXPOSITION Austin, I came as soon as I heard. AUSTIN There must be some kind of mistake, Basil. Maybe I was drunk and I didn't know it. Austin holds his neck very stiffly. BASIL EXPOSITION What's wrong with your neck, Austin? AUSTIN (turning stiffly to face Basil) I took a Viagra and it got caught in my throat. I've had a stiff neck for hours. Basil, is it true? Have I lost my mojo? BASIL EXPOSITION We're going to run a few tests, Austin. Don't worry, old friend, we'll get to the bottom of this. INT. MRI MACHINE Austin is being loaded into one of those big scary MRI machines: the MOJONATOR 9000. The mojo meter reads VERY LOW. INT. MOD LAB MONTAGE (TIME-LAPSE): Technicians in white suits and masks transform the room into a love lair: A pair of Latex-gloved hands carefully puts a BURT BACHARACH record on a turntable. Examination lights are replaced with LAVA LAMPS. A tray is brought in with a videotape marked "SWEDISH EDUCATIONAL FILM." Finally, the transformation is complete. Austin lies in bed reading a vintage PLAYBOY. A CANDY STRIPE NURSE enters, very pretty, in a tight outfit. NURSE Excuse me, Mr. Powers, I need to give you a sponge bath before we begin the test. AUSTIN (not paying attention to her) Alright, miss, just let me finish this article on the Suez crisis. An ALARM goes off. Bright LIGHTS come on. Basil enters. AUSTIN What's going on? BASIL EXPOSITION Alright, everyone, we're done. AUSTIN But the test hasn't even started!

epouvantable

How many times the word 'epouvantable' appears in the text?

Austin Powers - The Spy Who Shagged Me Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME By Mike Myers MUSIC: timpani roll and dramatic sting NARRATOR In his last adventure, Austin Powers, a swinging spy from the Sixties, was unfrozen in the Nineties to battle his archenemy Dr. Evil. Austin foiled Dr. Evil's plan to send a nuclear warhead to the center of the earth and banished him into space forever. Or so he thought. EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT (ESTABLISHING SHOT FROM FIRST MOVIE) SUPER: THE FRENCH RIVIERA INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY Elegant double doors with a brass plaque reading "Honeymoon Suite." A "Do Not-Disturb" sign hangs from the handle. INT. HOTEL SUITE FROM THE FIRST MOVIE: Austin and Vanessa snuggle in bed. She plays with his chest hair. VANESSA I love you, Mr. Powers. AUSTIN And I love you, Mrs. Powers. SHOT TO MATCH EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin gets out of bed. We see Vanessa putting on her robe from behind, and then EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa kiss. VANESSA Let's go out on the terrace. It's a beautiful night, we can look at the stars. EXT. HOTEL BALCONY EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa gaze at the stars. AUSTIN Look how beautiful the night sky is. VANESSA Isn't that the big dipper? AUSTIN Yeah, and that looks just like Uranus. VANESSA Austin! AUSTIN (sheepish) Well, you know. VANESSA Hey, I've never seen that big star before. AUSTIN Yeah, what is that? Austin pulls out his telescope and takes a look. AUSTIN'S POV - TELESCOPE EFFECT EXT. SPACE EXISTING SHOT: The Bob's Big Boy rocket. INT. DR. EVIL'S CAPSULE DR. EVIL This isn't over yet, Mr. Powers. I have one more trick up my sleeve, don't I Mr. Bigglesworth? The frozen Mr. Bigglesworth MEOWS. EXT. SPACE The Bob's Big Boy rocket. Suddenly, a hatch opens in Bob's rear end and Dr. Evil's silver egg capsule poops out. SFX: PLOOP! Capsule begins fiery re-entry to Earth INT. HOTEL ROOM Austin comes in and shuts the balcony door. AUSTIN Oh well, I guess it was nothing. A VANESSA DOUBLE crosses carrying a bouquet of flowers, which obscure her face. AUSTIN Care for some champagne? (pouring) Here's to monotony-- I mean, monogamy! Vanessa sits at the vanity with her back turned. AUSTIN Hello? Vanessa? What are you doing, luv? VANESSA (back turned) Just putting on my-- As Vanessa turns around she puts her hands up and PULLS OFF HER FACE revealing wires, transistors, and a speaker where her mouth should be. FEMBOT VANESSA (computer voice) MAKE-UP! AUSTIN (frightened) Vanessa, you're a Fembot! They fight. Midway through the fight, machine guns pop out of Vanessa's breasts. AUSTIN Machine gun jubblies, how did I miss those? VANESSA (robot voice) PERHAPS NEXT TIME YOU SHOULD TRY FOREPLAY. Her machine gun breasts FIRE, spraying the room in SLO-MO. Then they run out of ammo and CLICK, CLICK. Austin empties his gun into the robot, but to no avail. She rushes at him, he gives her a judo chop, also to no avail. Then Austin' notices a SELF-DESTRUCT switch and hits it. She starts to twitch, her head spins, and she EXPLODES. Fembot parts fly around the room. Austin sits on the bed, saddened. He holds Vanessa's hand, which has wires hanging out of it. On one of the fingers is her wedding ring. MUSIC: VERY SAD PIANO AUSTIN (very sad) I can't believe Vanessa, my bride, my one true love, the woman who taught me the beauty of sharing your whole life with another, the person who taught me the meaning of love, was a Fembot. How will I ever go on? (beat) Wait a tic! That means I'm single! Oh, behave! INT. LOBBY - HOTEL Rich European guests mill about the luxurious lobby. Suddenly, Austin dances through naked. Just as we are about to see his bits and pieces, a man lifts up his suitcase. AUSTIN Yeah, baby, I'm free! I'm naked and free! SEQUENCE CREDIT MUSIC: Soul Bassanova by QUINCY JONES PAN UP Austin's NAKED body as he walks down a boardwalk. Just as the camera reaches that most sensitive of areas, a credit appears STARRING MIKE MYERS. Austin gives a big 'who me?' and we FREEZE FRAME. EXT. BOARDWALK - FRENCH RIVERA European types stare and point. We see Austin from behind. His bottom half is blocked by a bicycle. The bicycle moves away. Just as Austin's bum is about to be revealed- A CREDIT APPEARS blocking it. Austin turns his head around to the camera and puts his hand to his mouth in an 'oh my!' take and we FREEZE FRAME. A MAN IN A RAINCOAT flashes Austin, his thingy blocked by a credit. Austin just laughs...crazy, man! Austin goes around a corner. A moment later he returns, followed by a NUDE MARCHING BAND. A SIGN on the left side of the screen reads "Warning! Nude Beach". Austin enters from the left. We see his naked, hairy torso from the waist up. Just as he is about to appear from behind the sign, a... CREDIT APPEARS MOVING LEFT TO RIGHT Blocking his penis lengthwise as he walks. NUDE BEACH - CREDIT SEQUENCE A girl sits on a blanket; a HORIZONTAL CREDIT blocks her bare chest. Austin lays on his back beside her, trying to be suave; A VERTICAL CREDIT appears. The wind blows away a kite, revealing a stark-naked girl. The credit "PRODUCTION DESIGN" blocks her chest; the credit "BY" blocks her you-know-what. Austin walks into frame; the "PRODUCTION DESIGNER'S NAME" disguises his growing interest. Austin joins a nude volleyball game in progress. CREDITS appear everywhere to block all possible combinations of nudity. People leap in all directions to make saves, causing CREDITS TO APPEAR at crazy angles. A pretty girl watches Austin lift weights. Her boobs are blocked by the "WRITTEN BY" credit. Austin lifts a dumbbell. The credit "MIKE MYERS" sticks out from his waist. Austin looks proud. A BUFF NAKED BODYBUILDER joins them. He lifts a much heavier weight. A much longer credit sticks out from his waist: "AND MICHAEL MCCULLERS". Austin pouts. Austin runs down the beach, his bum blocked by the credit "DIRECTED BY". He jumps on a trampoline and does the splits in mid-air: FREEZE FRAME AND PAN AROUND LIKE IN THE GAP "KHAKI SWING" AD. Austin smiles crazily, his penis blocked by "JAY ROACH." Austin does a super-duper double flip into his JAGUAR. AUSTIN Shaguar, baby, yeah! CU on the chrome script on the grill: it reads "Shaguar" where it would normally read "Jaguar". The car speeds off. FULL SCREEN TV JERRY SPRINGER SHOW On the stage we see a Klansman father and his Klansman son, a Nazi father and his Nazi son, and SCOTT EVIL all seated on a panel. Lower Third Chyron: "MY FATHER IS EVIL AND WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" JERRY SPRINGER If you just joined us, today's topic is "my father is evil and wants to take over the world". Now, Bobby, you had something you wanted to share with your father before the break. BOBBY Dad, I know you're against race mixing and all that, but I met someone... KLANSMAN Don't say it! The crowd WHOOPS. BOBBY I met someone... and he's black. The crowd goes crazy. KLANSMAN He? The Klansman holds his hooded head in his hands. JERRY SPRINGER Please welcome Tim. A handsome Blair Underwood look-alike enters and hugs the Klansman's son. The crowd screams. JERRY MOVES TO SCOTT EVIL. JERRY SPRINGER Now Scott, tell us about your father. Share with us. SCOTT Well he's the head of an evil organization that has aspirations for world domination. JERRY SPRINGER And where is your father right now? SCOTT He's in outer space, like frozen in a giant egg and stuffed inside a Big Boy rocket with his cat, Mr. Bigglesworth. JERRY SPRINGER Really? Well, we have a surprise for you, Scott. Let's bring out SCOTT'S father, Dr Evil. Dr Evil enters. Lower Third Chyron: "WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" DR. EVIL Hello Scott, I'm back. SCOTT I can't believe you'd do this to me on national television! DR. EVIL They offered me a free makeover. JERRY SPRINGER Dr. Evil, we've seen a lot of the fathers here today open up to their sons, sons to the fathers. Is there anything you'd like to share? DR. EVIL Share? JERRY SPRINGER Yes, don't you have any secrets? DR. EVIL OK. I have a vestigial tail. Everyone is a little grossed out. DR. EVIL It's more of a nub, really. The spine just goes on a little longer than it should. Also, I've dabbled. I mean, perform fellatio once and you're a poet, twice and you're a homosexual. I remember once I was being fisted by Sebastian Cabot- but here's where the story gets interesting. He was lactose-intolerant. He could eat red meat all night long, but one sip of milk and it was gastric hell. And I remember we were caught in fragrance delicto by Henry Kissinger, and you can imagine my humiliation at having Hank hear me say, "Mr. French, no teeth." One of my greatest disappointments is that I never became a song and dance man. I could have been a quadruple threat, kind of like a despotic Ken Barry. Dancer, singer, actor, and I would possess nuclear weapons, the latter being the most threatening of the four. I once sat on a bus and tried to will myself a menstrual cycle. All I ended up with was a sense of failure and a mild neuralgia in my incisor teeth and perhaps a grudging respect for the weaker sex. I love toe cleavage. For the most part I distrust dogs. I slept in a horse once. It was quite roomy. On second thought, it was the Ritz. I named my left testicle 'piss' and my right testicle 'vinegar'. I wrote "It's Raining Men", or so the Christmas babies told me. Oh yes, I also made a Marzipan voodoo effigy of The Fonze while I was in coma after smoking some Peruvian prayer hash, but who at the end of the day can honestly say they haven't done that? The Springer audience is stunned, slack-jawed and for once quiet. KLANSMAN What are you, some kind of freak? SCOTT Shut up, jagoff! Studio audience whoops at this. KLANSMAN I'll kick your ass punk! Crowd goes crazy. DR. EVIL No one talks to my boy that way! Dr. Evil charges at Klansman and starts to bitch slap him. Security men, with headsets on, rush in to separate them. DR. EVIL I'm OK, I'm OK. There is a BEAT, then Dr. Evil CHARGES the guy again, knocking him down. DR. EVIL Come Scott, let's go to daddy's new evil lair. EXT. WORLD HEADQUARTERS BUILDING - DAY We pan up a modern office building. The camera reaches the top of the building and we see a giant STARBUCKS LOGO and the words: Starbucks World Headquarters. INT. STARBUCKS BOARD ROOM The penthouse boardroom is adorned with Starbucks paraphernalia: large logo, clear canisters full of beans, and a large world map with a little logo everywhere there is a Starbucks. Around a large table are Dr. Evil, Number Two (bandaged and lightly spotted with soot), Frau, Scott and a couple of NEW HENCHMEN. A Starbucks employee serves everyone steaming hot coffee products. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, as the legitimate frontman of your organization, I seized upon the opportunity to invest in a small Seattle-based coffee company several years ago. Today, Starbucks is a far- flung empire with 2000 outlets worldwide. DR. EVIL Oh good, Number Two, I do enjoy a good cuppa joe. NUMBER TWO If I may continue, I believe if we shift our resources away from world domination and focus on providing premium quality coffee drinks, we can increase our gross profits fivefold. Dr. Evil takes a sip of cappuccino, leaving a WHITE FROTHY MILK MUSTACHE on his upper lip. DR. EVIL Right. Perhaps you've confused me with someone who gives a shit. Might I remind you that I run the show here? I demand a little respect. NUMBER TWO (indicating Dr. Evil's milk mustache) Dr. Evil, I think you-- DR. EVIL Silence! I will not tolerate your insolence! Remember what happened last time. FLASHBACK (FOOTAGE FROM FIRST MOVIE) Number Two disappears backwards into the fiery pit. INT. STARBUCKS WORLD HEADQUARTERS Number Two smiles weakly, breaking into a sweat on his brow. NUMBER TWO May I add, I appreciate you reinstating me after our little... misunderstanding. DR. EVIL Frau Farbissina. Wie gehts is einen? We see Frau. She looks a little more 'masculine' than before. FRAU Zehr gut, Herr Doctor. DR. EVIL How are things? FRAU I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak it's name. To my right is my lover. We see a severe-looking German woman with one continuous eyebrow. FRAU Her name is Unibrau. I met her on the LPGA Tour. DR. EVIL Right on. Welcome, Unibrau. Dr. Evil takes another sip of cappuccino, making the frothy milk mustache even larger. FRAU Doctor, you have a 'milk mustache.' DR. EVIL (wiping it off, embarrassed) Oh, I know. I know. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I'd like to introduce the Greek assassin, Oedipus. We see a swarthy Greek army guy. DR. EVIL Welcome to my private army, Oedipus. Excited? OEDIPUS I could give a shit. DR. EVIL Kiss your mother with that mouth? OEDIPUS Yes. DR. EVIL Of course you do. Dr Evil begins to press a button labelled "Oedipus" on his control panel, but Number Two interrupts. NUMBER TWO (clearing throat) Dr. Evil, as you know, the rate at which you liquidate henchmen far exceeds our ability to replace them. DR. EVIL I have so few pleasures left to me, Number Two. The key to life is to rotate your vices. One day it's executions, another day it's creamy French cheese. It's like frickin' heroin. NUMBER TWO Well, Dr. Evil, perhaps I have the answer. While you were frozen, we began a program to clone you. DR. EVIL Cool. NUMBER TWO We had a few glitches, but I think you'll be pleased with the results. FRAU (shouting) Send in the clone! MUSIC: dramatic sting We see the shadow of an approaching figure. The shadow looks like Dr. Evil, only much larger and scarier. NUMBER TWO He is identical to you in every way, except he is one-eighth your size. We see that the source of the shadow is a MINIATURE DR. EVIL, just like the creepy mini-Marlon Brando in The Island of Dr. Moreau. He mimics Dr. Evil's mannerisms including holding his tiny pinky to his tiny mouth. DR. EVIL Breathtaking. I shall call him Mini- Me. (to clone) Mini-Me, you will sit to my right. Mini-Me sits down in a miniature version of Dr. Evil's command chair. DR. EVIL Come Mr. Bigglesworth! The bald Mr. Bigglesworth runs and jumps into Dr. Evil's lap. A bald MR. BIGGLESWORTH KITTEN jumps into Mini-Me's lap. DR. EVIL Mini-me, something to eat? (expectant pause) No? (pause) OK. (to room) Tired. Gentleman, I have a plan. As you know, the most powerful man in the world is the President of the United States. But he is just that- a man, subject to temptations of the flesh like any other man. Here's what we do: we make it seem that the President has had "extra-marital oral relations" with- and this is the kicker- DRAMATIC STING, SNAP ZOOM TO DR. EVIL. DR. EVIL With a White House intern! Dr. Evil gloats. So does Mini-Me. NUMBER TWO (clearing his throat) Uh-hem. DR. EVIL What, that already happened? Number Two nods. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous. Oh well, how about a frickin' time machine? Does the president have a time machine? Have I been scooped on that? NUMBER TWO No, not that I'm aware of. DR. EVIL Alright, time machine it is. As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen? SCOTT Because you never kill him when you get the chance and you're a dope? Mini-Me hops upon the table and tries to push the "Scott Evil" button on Dr. Evil's control panel. Frau SQUIRTS him with a water bottle. Mini-Me glares at Scott and GIVES HIM THE FINGER. DR. EVIL No, because Austin Powers has "mojo". NUMBER TWO Mojo? FRAU Yes, mojo. The mojo is the life force, the essence, the libido, the "right stuff". DR. EVIL It's what the French call a certain 'I don't know what.' SCOTT If you've got a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill Austin Powers when he's a baby or something? DR. EVIL No, no, no. NUMBER TWO (interrupting) Dr. Evil, wouldn't it be easier to use your knowledge of the future to play the stock market? We could literally make trillions. DR. EVIL (smug laugh to himself) Why make trillions when we could make... (pause) Billions? NUMBER TWO Excuse me? DR. EVIL Why think small is all I'm saying. SCOTT A trillion is more than a billion, numb-nuts. DR. EVIL Zip it. Unveil the time portal! A wall panel opens to reveal a Stargate-like wall of shimmering energy. DR. EVIL Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the time portal. As you know, Austin Powers was frozen in 1967. Therefore, I time travel to 1969, two years after he was frozen. Security will be lax and I'll strike when he is totally helpless. First, I take Austin Powers' mojo. Then I begin my domination of the world. SCOTT Can I come? DR. EVIL No, Scott, Daddy has a score to settle. Austin Powers is the snake to my mongoose, or the mongoose to my snake. Either way it's bad, I don't know animals. But I do know this: This time it's personal. Frau, Number 2, I'll see you both in 1969. Come, Mini-Me. Dr. Evil walks to the portal. Mini-Me follows, imitating him perfectly. They enter the portal. There is a FREEZE FRAME effect and they FADE AWAY, like in Star Trek. INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - Dr. Evil and Mini-Me emerge on the other side of the portal into a NEW LAIR. It is a large hollowed-out volcano room dominated by chrome conduits and tasteful art pieces. A younger Frau sits with NUMBER TWO, now played by ROB LOWE in an eye-patch. DR. EVIL Ah, here we are Mini-Me, 1969. Number Two, you look very youthful and healthy. (turning to Frau) And Frau you look...right. As Dr. Evil walks to the center of the room, chairs rise from the floor. Everyone takes a seat, but Dr. Evil gets caught in the middle as chairs rise around him. He is frightened. One of the rising chairs hits him in the crotch. DR. EVIL OK, people, we now officially have a chair problem. If another one of these chairs hits me in the nuts, I'm gonna go postal. Mini-Me, I want you to meet Number Two. NUMBER TWO Hello there. Mini-me says nothing. DR. EVIL Mini-Me? Mini-me still says nothing. DR. EVIL Shy. Low blood sugar. (to room) Gentlemen, Phase Two is beginning. I have an operative inside the Ministry of Defense. By this time tomorrow, Austin Powers' mojo will be mine. Dr. Evil goes over and looks out the large window. DR. EVIL (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! EXT. DR. EVIL'S TROPICAL ISLAND - We cut outside to see that window is in fact the left eye of a Mt. Rushmore-type depiction of Dr. Evil carved into the side of a volcano on a tropical island. DR. EVIL (V.O.) (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! INT. MOD - CRYOGENIC FREEZING ROOM - We see Austin's FROZEN BODY in cryogenic storage. Above it, we see two digital clocks. One reads: CURRENT DATE: MAY 25, 1969, the other reads: DATE FROZEN: NOVEMBER 11, 1967. One of the SCOTS GUARDS, is an IMMENSELY FAT SCOTTISH SOLDIER (played by Mike Myers). BRITISH COLONEL We've had reports that there's a spy in the Ministry of Defense. The contents of this room are vital to the country. Be on special alert. FAT SOLDIER (thick Scottish accent) Those bastards will have to kill me before I let anything happen to this wee naked hairy popsicle, sir! BRITISH COLONEL Very good. And try and lose some weight for God's sake! They exchange salutes and the Colonel exits. FAT SOLDIER Yessir! (sotto after the Colonel) I outta smash your teeth out with a Toffee Hammer Mr. English Colonel Telling-Me-What-To-Do-And-Stealing- our-Oil-Refusing-To-Recognize- our- Scottish-Independence! The Fat Soldier begins to play the BAGPIPES, a white vapor comes out of them, filling the room. The other soldiers COLLAPSE, unconscious. He bores through the ice and pulls out a Sixties high-tech syringe type device with an LED graph on the side. He places it in Austin's navel. The LED meter goes from red to green, indicating FULL MOJO. EXT./INT. AUSTIN'S SHAGUAR - DRIVING - DAY Austin drives in MODERN TRAFFIC. He is drinking a STARBUCKS COFFEE and listening to the Jag's in-dash CD PLAYER. Suddenly Austin DROOPS. The car starts to sputter. The fuel gauge reads empty. AUSTIN Gor blimey, I'm on empty! That's funny, I just filled the Shaguar up this morning. Austin hits a button on the dashboard. BASIL EXPOSITION appears on the picture phone in the dash. BASIL EXPOSITION (on picture phone) Hello, I'm Basil Exposition, head of British Intelligence. AUSTIN You always are, Basil. Listen, the weirdest thing just happened, I've run out of petrol. BASIL EXPOSITION We'll send a man around immediately. How was your honeymoon? AUSTIN Vanessa tried to kill me, Basil. She was a Fembot! BASIL EXPOSITION Ah women, who can understand them? Moving on, let's discuss your new case. AUSTIN New case? Very shagadelic, Basil! BASIL EXPOSITION You'll be doing a photo shoot. We know that one of the models is an ex- KGB agent selling top secret material to the highest bidder. AUSTIN That sounds easy enough, you know what they say: all work and no shagging makes Austin a dull boy, man! INT. SKI LODGE Austin sets up his photo equipment. The room is decorated in classic Heffner- bear skin rugs, leather chairs, roaring fire. AUSTIN (looking around) Tres chic, baby. REG, the photo assistant, enters. REG Austin, the models are ready. AUSTIN Ta, Reg. Bless your cotton socks. Hey, Reg, do you have any hobbies? REG What? AUSTIN Hobbies, man! I for one enjoy making models! The models make their entrance. They are REAL SUPERMODELS, say CINDY CRAWFORD, REBECCA ROMAJIN and also one MODEL we don't know. SUPERMODELS (circling Austin) It's him! Oh my God! It's Austin Powers! Austin shoots a look to Reg like 'still got it, baby.' AUSTIN One at a time, girls. One. At. A. Time! CINDY Hi, I'm Cindy. I don't believe I've had the pleasure. AUSTIN Of course you haven't had "The Pleasure", we just met, baby, yeah! REBECCA How do you do, Austin? I'm Rebecca. (indicating the photo gear) Your equipment is quite impressive. AUSTIN Thank you. Your breasts are amazing. Austin comes to the unknown model. She is tall and angular. AUSTIN And what's your name, baby? MODEL (thick Russian accent) Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN Excuse me? IVANA Ivana. Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN And I vanna toilet made of solid gold but it's just not in the cards, now is it? Austin looks over the girls, trying to decide who is the spy. AUSTIN (V.O.) (inner monologue) Now, which one is the Russian spy? Cindy Crawford, Rebecca Romajin... or Ivana Humpalot? Think, man, think! Austin begins snapping pictures. The sequence is shot like a photo shoot, with freeze frames, etc. AUSTIN Alright, baby! Love it. Turn and pout for me baby! Smashing! Cindy gets on all fours. AUSTIN Great, darling. Give me some shoulder. Yes, yes, yes. (angry) No! No! FULL FRAME, cover of Vogue. Cindy with her head framed out. AUSTIN (to Rebecca) Show me love. Smashing! You're an animal. You're a tiger. Be a tiger, baby! You're great! You're Grrrrrr- eat! You're Tony, be corn flakes, baby, be frosted. Now be a lemur, baby! You're a ring-tailed lemur. Rebecca looks confused. REBECCA A lemur? AUSTIN A small mammal native to the African savannah. C'mon baby, you know. Like this! (imitating lemur) OK, predator coming! Now, burrow, burrow! You're a lemur. It's all you've got. (beat) I take it back. Be a tiger again. Smashing! FULL FRAME, Rebecca on the cover of National--Geographic. AUSTIN And... done! I'm spent! Austin throws his camera to Reg, who catches it. REG Hel-lo, you forgot about Ivana. AUSTIN I didn't forget, baby. Miss Humpalot and I are going to have a 'private session'. Reg shows the girls out as they PROTEST. Austin and Ivana are left alone. Austin CLAPS TWICE and the lights dim. He CLAPS again and the fire goes up. MUSIC: I'm Never Going To Fall in Love Again by BURT BACHARACH IVANA When did you get "The Clapper"? AUSTIN November, 1964, Dutch East Indies, shore leave. IVANA Are you cold, Mr. Powers? AUSTIN I once had a bad experience with frostbite. I had to dip my tadger into a brandy snifter. Ivana moves over to a chessboard set up nearby. IVANA Do you know how we keep warm in Russia? AUSTIN I can guess, baby. IVANA We play chess. AUSTIN I guessed wrong. IVANA It takes a keen intelligence to play chess. Of course, you know what they say about men with big brains, don't you? AUSTIN They wear large hats? IVANA No, they make better lovers. AUSTIN Wrong again. Ivana starts playing with the chess pieces sexily (like in The Thomas Crowne Affair). IVANA I assume you know how to play. She runs the bishop across her lips sexily. AUSTIN Of course. The... horsey... moves in an L shape. Austin tries to match her sexy moves and CHOKES on a piece. AUSTIN Let's stop playing games with each other... especially difficult ones. May I ask you a question, Miss Humpalot? IVANA Of course. AUSTIN Do I make you horny? Do I? Austin rolls around on the polar bear rug. IVANA I'll tell you anything you want to know, just make love to me. She pulls his shirt off, revealing his prodigious chest hair. IVANA You are hairy, like an animal! AUSTIN (growling and barking) Grrrr, baby. Austin takes the head of the bear skin rug. AUSTIN Grrrr. Ruf! Ruf! (covers the bear's eyes) Wait a tick, I don't want him watching me while I'm on the job! IVANA Make love to me, monkey man. AUSTIN Groovy, baby! We pan around the room, seeing all the stuffed and mounted wildlife who seem to be watching. Suddenly the camera stops. So does the music. IVANA (O.S.) What's the matter? CUT TO: MONTAGE - VARIOUS STOCK FOOTAGE A tall flower wilts and beds over. A souffle falls. A flag is lowered to half mast. A giant redwood falls in a forest. A hot air balloon deflates and falls. An actual scientific diagram of a penis in the refractory period. INT. LODGE AUSTIN (to camera) Crikey, I've lost my mojo. EXT. LONDON STREETS (STOCK FOOTAGE) An ambulance races through the streets, SIREN BLARING. EXT. MINISTRY OF DEFENSE SUPER: "MINISTRY OF DEFENSE" INT. MOD - HALLWAY Basil hurries through, pushing past TECHNICIANS and WORKERS. BASIL EXPOSITION Where is he? In here? INT. MOD - LAB Basil enters. Cross between a hospital room and a lab. Austin lies in bed hooked up to lots of monitoring equipment. BASIL EXPOSITION Austin, I came as soon as I heard. AUSTIN There must be some kind of mistake, Basil. Maybe I was drunk and I didn't know it. Austin holds his neck very stiffly. BASIL EXPOSITION What's wrong with your neck, Austin? AUSTIN (turning stiffly to face Basil) I took a Viagra and it got caught in my throat. I've had a stiff neck for hours. Basil, is it true? Have I lost my mojo? BASIL EXPOSITION We're going to run a few tests, Austin. Don't worry, old friend, we'll get to the bottom of this. INT. MRI MACHINE Austin is being loaded into one of those big scary MRI machines: the MOJONATOR 9000. The mojo meter reads VERY LOW. INT. MOD LAB MONTAGE (TIME-LAPSE): Technicians in white suits and masks transform the room into a love lair: A pair of Latex-gloved hands carefully puts a BURT BACHARACH record on a turntable. Examination lights are replaced with LAVA LAMPS. A tray is brought in with a videotape marked "SWEDISH EDUCATIONAL FILM." Finally, the transformation is complete. Austin lies in bed reading a vintage PLAYBOY. A CANDY STRIPE NURSE enters, very pretty, in a tight outfit. NURSE Excuse me, Mr. Powers, I need to give you a sponge bath before we begin the test. AUSTIN (not paying attention to her) Alright, miss, just let me finish this article on the Suez crisis. An ALARM goes off. Bright LIGHTS come on. Basil enters. AUSTIN What's going on? BASIL EXPOSITION Alright, everyone, we're done. AUSTIN But the test hasn't even started!

telescope

How many times the word 'telescope' appears in the text?

Austin Powers - The Spy Who Shagged Me Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME By Mike Myers MUSIC: timpani roll and dramatic sting NARRATOR In his last adventure, Austin Powers, a swinging spy from the Sixties, was unfrozen in the Nineties to battle his archenemy Dr. Evil. Austin foiled Dr. Evil's plan to send a nuclear warhead to the center of the earth and banished him into space forever. Or so he thought. EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT (ESTABLISHING SHOT FROM FIRST MOVIE) SUPER: THE FRENCH RIVIERA INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY Elegant double doors with a brass plaque reading "Honeymoon Suite." A "Do Not-Disturb" sign hangs from the handle. INT. HOTEL SUITE FROM THE FIRST MOVIE: Austin and Vanessa snuggle in bed. She plays with his chest hair. VANESSA I love you, Mr. Powers. AUSTIN And I love you, Mrs. Powers. SHOT TO MATCH EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin gets out of bed. We see Vanessa putting on her robe from behind, and then EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa kiss. VANESSA Let's go out on the terrace. It's a beautiful night, we can look at the stars. EXT. HOTEL BALCONY EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa gaze at the stars. AUSTIN Look how beautiful the night sky is. VANESSA Isn't that the big dipper? AUSTIN Yeah, and that looks just like Uranus. VANESSA Austin! AUSTIN (sheepish) Well, you know. VANESSA Hey, I've never seen that big star before. AUSTIN Yeah, what is that? Austin pulls out his telescope and takes a look. AUSTIN'S POV - TELESCOPE EFFECT EXT. SPACE EXISTING SHOT: The Bob's Big Boy rocket. INT. DR. EVIL'S CAPSULE DR. EVIL This isn't over yet, Mr. Powers. I have one more trick up my sleeve, don't I Mr. Bigglesworth? The frozen Mr. Bigglesworth MEOWS. EXT. SPACE The Bob's Big Boy rocket. Suddenly, a hatch opens in Bob's rear end and Dr. Evil's silver egg capsule poops out. SFX: PLOOP! Capsule begins fiery re-entry to Earth INT. HOTEL ROOM Austin comes in and shuts the balcony door. AUSTIN Oh well, I guess it was nothing. A VANESSA DOUBLE crosses carrying a bouquet of flowers, which obscure her face. AUSTIN Care for some champagne? (pouring) Here's to monotony-- I mean, monogamy! Vanessa sits at the vanity with her back turned. AUSTIN Hello? Vanessa? What are you doing, luv? VANESSA (back turned) Just putting on my-- As Vanessa turns around she puts her hands up and PULLS OFF HER FACE revealing wires, transistors, and a speaker where her mouth should be. FEMBOT VANESSA (computer voice) MAKE-UP! AUSTIN (frightened) Vanessa, you're a Fembot! They fight. Midway through the fight, machine guns pop out of Vanessa's breasts. AUSTIN Machine gun jubblies, how did I miss those? VANESSA (robot voice) PERHAPS NEXT TIME YOU SHOULD TRY FOREPLAY. Her machine gun breasts FIRE, spraying the room in SLO-MO. Then they run out of ammo and CLICK, CLICK. Austin empties his gun into the robot, but to no avail. She rushes at him, he gives her a judo chop, also to no avail. Then Austin' notices a SELF-DESTRUCT switch and hits it. She starts to twitch, her head spins, and she EXPLODES. Fembot parts fly around the room. Austin sits on the bed, saddened. He holds Vanessa's hand, which has wires hanging out of it. On one of the fingers is her wedding ring. MUSIC: VERY SAD PIANO AUSTIN (very sad) I can't believe Vanessa, my bride, my one true love, the woman who taught me the beauty of sharing your whole life with another, the person who taught me the meaning of love, was a Fembot. How will I ever go on? (beat) Wait a tic! That means I'm single! Oh, behave! INT. LOBBY - HOTEL Rich European guests mill about the luxurious lobby. Suddenly, Austin dances through naked. Just as we are about to see his bits and pieces, a man lifts up his suitcase. AUSTIN Yeah, baby, I'm free! I'm naked and free! SEQUENCE CREDIT MUSIC: Soul Bassanova by QUINCY JONES PAN UP Austin's NAKED body as he walks down a boardwalk. Just as the camera reaches that most sensitive of areas, a credit appears STARRING MIKE MYERS. Austin gives a big 'who me?' and we FREEZE FRAME. EXT. BOARDWALK - FRENCH RIVERA European types stare and point. We see Austin from behind. His bottom half is blocked by a bicycle. The bicycle moves away. Just as Austin's bum is about to be revealed- A CREDIT APPEARS blocking it. Austin turns his head around to the camera and puts his hand to his mouth in an 'oh my!' take and we FREEZE FRAME. A MAN IN A RAINCOAT flashes Austin, his thingy blocked by a credit. Austin just laughs...crazy, man! Austin goes around a corner. A moment later he returns, followed by a NUDE MARCHING BAND. A SIGN on the left side of the screen reads "Warning! Nude Beach". Austin enters from the left. We see his naked, hairy torso from the waist up. Just as he is about to appear from behind the sign, a... CREDIT APPEARS MOVING LEFT TO RIGHT Blocking his penis lengthwise as he walks. NUDE BEACH - CREDIT SEQUENCE A girl sits on a blanket; a HORIZONTAL CREDIT blocks her bare chest. Austin lays on his back beside her, trying to be suave; A VERTICAL CREDIT appears. The wind blows away a kite, revealing a stark-naked girl. The credit "PRODUCTION DESIGN" blocks her chest; the credit "BY" blocks her you-know-what. Austin walks into frame; the "PRODUCTION DESIGNER'S NAME" disguises his growing interest. Austin joins a nude volleyball game in progress. CREDITS appear everywhere to block all possible combinations of nudity. People leap in all directions to make saves, causing CREDITS TO APPEAR at crazy angles. A pretty girl watches Austin lift weights. Her boobs are blocked by the "WRITTEN BY" credit. Austin lifts a dumbbell. The credit "MIKE MYERS" sticks out from his waist. Austin looks proud. A BUFF NAKED BODYBUILDER joins them. He lifts a much heavier weight. A much longer credit sticks out from his waist: "AND MICHAEL MCCULLERS". Austin pouts. Austin runs down the beach, his bum blocked by the credit "DIRECTED BY". He jumps on a trampoline and does the splits in mid-air: FREEZE FRAME AND PAN AROUND LIKE IN THE GAP "KHAKI SWING" AD. Austin smiles crazily, his penis blocked by "JAY ROACH." Austin does a super-duper double flip into his JAGUAR. AUSTIN Shaguar, baby, yeah! CU on the chrome script on the grill: it reads "Shaguar" where it would normally read "Jaguar". The car speeds off. FULL SCREEN TV JERRY SPRINGER SHOW On the stage we see a Klansman father and his Klansman son, a Nazi father and his Nazi son, and SCOTT EVIL all seated on a panel. Lower Third Chyron: "MY FATHER IS EVIL AND WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" JERRY SPRINGER If you just joined us, today's topic is "my father is evil and wants to take over the world". Now, Bobby, you had something you wanted to share with your father before the break. BOBBY Dad, I know you're against race mixing and all that, but I met someone... KLANSMAN Don't say it! The crowd WHOOPS. BOBBY I met someone... and he's black. The crowd goes crazy. KLANSMAN He? The Klansman holds his hooded head in his hands. JERRY SPRINGER Please welcome Tim. A handsome Blair Underwood look-alike enters and hugs the Klansman's son. The crowd screams. JERRY MOVES TO SCOTT EVIL. JERRY SPRINGER Now Scott, tell us about your father. Share with us. SCOTT Well he's the head of an evil organization that has aspirations for world domination. JERRY SPRINGER And where is your father right now? SCOTT He's in outer space, like frozen in a giant egg and stuffed inside a Big Boy rocket with his cat, Mr. Bigglesworth. JERRY SPRINGER Really? Well, we have a surprise for you, Scott. Let's bring out SCOTT'S father, Dr Evil. Dr Evil enters. Lower Third Chyron: "WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" DR. EVIL Hello Scott, I'm back. SCOTT I can't believe you'd do this to me on national television! DR. EVIL They offered me a free makeover. JERRY SPRINGER Dr. Evil, we've seen a lot of the fathers here today open up to their sons, sons to the fathers. Is there anything you'd like to share? DR. EVIL Share? JERRY SPRINGER Yes, don't you have any secrets? DR. EVIL OK. I have a vestigial tail. Everyone is a little grossed out. DR. EVIL It's more of a nub, really. The spine just goes on a little longer than it should. Also, I've dabbled. I mean, perform fellatio once and you're a poet, twice and you're a homosexual. I remember once I was being fisted by Sebastian Cabot- but here's where the story gets interesting. He was lactose-intolerant. He could eat red meat all night long, but one sip of milk and it was gastric hell. And I remember we were caught in fragrance delicto by Henry Kissinger, and you can imagine my humiliation at having Hank hear me say, "Mr. French, no teeth." One of my greatest disappointments is that I never became a song and dance man. I could have been a quadruple threat, kind of like a despotic Ken Barry. Dancer, singer, actor, and I would possess nuclear weapons, the latter being the most threatening of the four. I once sat on a bus and tried to will myself a menstrual cycle. All I ended up with was a sense of failure and a mild neuralgia in my incisor teeth and perhaps a grudging respect for the weaker sex. I love toe cleavage. For the most part I distrust dogs. I slept in a horse once. It was quite roomy. On second thought, it was the Ritz. I named my left testicle 'piss' and my right testicle 'vinegar'. I wrote "It's Raining Men", or so the Christmas babies told me. Oh yes, I also made a Marzipan voodoo effigy of The Fonze while I was in coma after smoking some Peruvian prayer hash, but who at the end of the day can honestly say they haven't done that? The Springer audience is stunned, slack-jawed and for once quiet. KLANSMAN What are you, some kind of freak? SCOTT Shut up, jagoff! Studio audience whoops at this. KLANSMAN I'll kick your ass punk! Crowd goes crazy. DR. EVIL No one talks to my boy that way! Dr. Evil charges at Klansman and starts to bitch slap him. Security men, with headsets on, rush in to separate them. DR. EVIL I'm OK, I'm OK. There is a BEAT, then Dr. Evil CHARGES the guy again, knocking him down. DR. EVIL Come Scott, let's go to daddy's new evil lair. EXT. WORLD HEADQUARTERS BUILDING - DAY We pan up a modern office building. The camera reaches the top of the building and we see a giant STARBUCKS LOGO and the words: Starbucks World Headquarters. INT. STARBUCKS BOARD ROOM The penthouse boardroom is adorned with Starbucks paraphernalia: large logo, clear canisters full of beans, and a large world map with a little logo everywhere there is a Starbucks. Around a large table are Dr. Evil, Number Two (bandaged and lightly spotted with soot), Frau, Scott and a couple of NEW HENCHMEN. A Starbucks employee serves everyone steaming hot coffee products. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, as the legitimate frontman of your organization, I seized upon the opportunity to invest in a small Seattle-based coffee company several years ago. Today, Starbucks is a far- flung empire with 2000 outlets worldwide. DR. EVIL Oh good, Number Two, I do enjoy a good cuppa joe. NUMBER TWO If I may continue, I believe if we shift our resources away from world domination and focus on providing premium quality coffee drinks, we can increase our gross profits fivefold. Dr. Evil takes a sip of cappuccino, leaving a WHITE FROTHY MILK MUSTACHE on his upper lip. DR. EVIL Right. Perhaps you've confused me with someone who gives a shit. Might I remind you that I run the show here? I demand a little respect. NUMBER TWO (indicating Dr. Evil's milk mustache) Dr. Evil, I think you-- DR. EVIL Silence! I will not tolerate your insolence! Remember what happened last time. FLASHBACK (FOOTAGE FROM FIRST MOVIE) Number Two disappears backwards into the fiery pit. INT. STARBUCKS WORLD HEADQUARTERS Number Two smiles weakly, breaking into a sweat on his brow. NUMBER TWO May I add, I appreciate you reinstating me after our little... misunderstanding. DR. EVIL Frau Farbissina. Wie gehts is einen? We see Frau. She looks a little more 'masculine' than before. FRAU Zehr gut, Herr Doctor. DR. EVIL How are things? FRAU I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak it's name. To my right is my lover. We see a severe-looking German woman with one continuous eyebrow. FRAU Her name is Unibrau. I met her on the LPGA Tour. DR. EVIL Right on. Welcome, Unibrau. Dr. Evil takes another sip of cappuccino, making the frothy milk mustache even larger. FRAU Doctor, you have a 'milk mustache.' DR. EVIL (wiping it off, embarrassed) Oh, I know. I know. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I'd like to introduce the Greek assassin, Oedipus. We see a swarthy Greek army guy. DR. EVIL Welcome to my private army, Oedipus. Excited? OEDIPUS I could give a shit. DR. EVIL Kiss your mother with that mouth? OEDIPUS Yes. DR. EVIL Of course you do. Dr Evil begins to press a button labelled "Oedipus" on his control panel, but Number Two interrupts. NUMBER TWO (clearing throat) Dr. Evil, as you know, the rate at which you liquidate henchmen far exceeds our ability to replace them. DR. EVIL I have so few pleasures left to me, Number Two. The key to life is to rotate your vices. One day it's executions, another day it's creamy French cheese. It's like frickin' heroin. NUMBER TWO Well, Dr. Evil, perhaps I have the answer. While you were frozen, we began a program to clone you. DR. EVIL Cool. NUMBER TWO We had a few glitches, but I think you'll be pleased with the results. FRAU (shouting) Send in the clone! MUSIC: dramatic sting We see the shadow of an approaching figure. The shadow looks like Dr. Evil, only much larger and scarier. NUMBER TWO He is identical to you in every way, except he is one-eighth your size. We see that the source of the shadow is a MINIATURE DR. EVIL, just like the creepy mini-Marlon Brando in The Island of Dr. Moreau. He mimics Dr. Evil's mannerisms including holding his tiny pinky to his tiny mouth. DR. EVIL Breathtaking. I shall call him Mini- Me. (to clone) Mini-Me, you will sit to my right. Mini-Me sits down in a miniature version of Dr. Evil's command chair. DR. EVIL Come Mr. Bigglesworth! The bald Mr. Bigglesworth runs and jumps into Dr. Evil's lap. A bald MR. BIGGLESWORTH KITTEN jumps into Mini-Me's lap. DR. EVIL Mini-me, something to eat? (expectant pause) No? (pause) OK. (to room) Tired. Gentleman, I have a plan. As you know, the most powerful man in the world is the President of the United States. But he is just that- a man, subject to temptations of the flesh like any other man. Here's what we do: we make it seem that the President has had "extra-marital oral relations" with- and this is the kicker- DRAMATIC STING, SNAP ZOOM TO DR. EVIL. DR. EVIL With a White House intern! Dr. Evil gloats. So does Mini-Me. NUMBER TWO (clearing his throat) Uh-hem. DR. EVIL What, that already happened? Number Two nods. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous. Oh well, how about a frickin' time machine? Does the president have a time machine? Have I been scooped on that? NUMBER TWO No, not that I'm aware of. DR. EVIL Alright, time machine it is. As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen? SCOTT Because you never kill him when you get the chance and you're a dope? Mini-Me hops upon the table and tries to push the "Scott Evil" button on Dr. Evil's control panel. Frau SQUIRTS him with a water bottle. Mini-Me glares at Scott and GIVES HIM THE FINGER. DR. EVIL No, because Austin Powers has "mojo". NUMBER TWO Mojo? FRAU Yes, mojo. The mojo is the life force, the essence, the libido, the "right stuff". DR. EVIL It's what the French call a certain 'I don't know what.' SCOTT If you've got a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill Austin Powers when he's a baby or something? DR. EVIL No, no, no. NUMBER TWO (interrupting) Dr. Evil, wouldn't it be easier to use your knowledge of the future to play the stock market? We could literally make trillions. DR. EVIL (smug laugh to himself) Why make trillions when we could make... (pause) Billions? NUMBER TWO Excuse me? DR. EVIL Why think small is all I'm saying. SCOTT A trillion is more than a billion, numb-nuts. DR. EVIL Zip it. Unveil the time portal! A wall panel opens to reveal a Stargate-like wall of shimmering energy. DR. EVIL Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the time portal. As you know, Austin Powers was frozen in 1967. Therefore, I time travel to 1969, two years after he was frozen. Security will be lax and I'll strike when he is totally helpless. First, I take Austin Powers' mojo. Then I begin my domination of the world. SCOTT Can I come? DR. EVIL No, Scott, Daddy has a score to settle. Austin Powers is the snake to my mongoose, or the mongoose to my snake. Either way it's bad, I don't know animals. But I do know this: This time it's personal. Frau, Number 2, I'll see you both in 1969. Come, Mini-Me. Dr. Evil walks to the portal. Mini-Me follows, imitating him perfectly. They enter the portal. There is a FREEZE FRAME effect and they FADE AWAY, like in Star Trek. INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - Dr. Evil and Mini-Me emerge on the other side of the portal into a NEW LAIR. It is a large hollowed-out volcano room dominated by chrome conduits and tasteful art pieces. A younger Frau sits with NUMBER TWO, now played by ROB LOWE in an eye-patch. DR. EVIL Ah, here we are Mini-Me, 1969. Number Two, you look very youthful and healthy. (turning to Frau) And Frau you look...right. As Dr. Evil walks to the center of the room, chairs rise from the floor. Everyone takes a seat, but Dr. Evil gets caught in the middle as chairs rise around him. He is frightened. One of the rising chairs hits him in the crotch. DR. EVIL OK, people, we now officially have a chair problem. If another one of these chairs hits me in the nuts, I'm gonna go postal. Mini-Me, I want you to meet Number Two. NUMBER TWO Hello there. Mini-me says nothing. DR. EVIL Mini-Me? Mini-me still says nothing. DR. EVIL Shy. Low blood sugar. (to room) Gentlemen, Phase Two is beginning. I have an operative inside the Ministry of Defense. By this time tomorrow, Austin Powers' mojo will be mine. Dr. Evil goes over and looks out the large window. DR. EVIL (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! EXT. DR. EVIL'S TROPICAL ISLAND - We cut outside to see that window is in fact the left eye of a Mt. Rushmore-type depiction of Dr. Evil carved into the side of a volcano on a tropical island. DR. EVIL (V.O.) (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! INT. MOD - CRYOGENIC FREEZING ROOM - We see Austin's FROZEN BODY in cryogenic storage. Above it, we see two digital clocks. One reads: CURRENT DATE: MAY 25, 1969, the other reads: DATE FROZEN: NOVEMBER 11, 1967. One of the SCOTS GUARDS, is an IMMENSELY FAT SCOTTISH SOLDIER (played by Mike Myers). BRITISH COLONEL We've had reports that there's a spy in the Ministry of Defense. The contents of this room are vital to the country. Be on special alert. FAT SOLDIER (thick Scottish accent) Those bastards will have to kill me before I let anything happen to this wee naked hairy popsicle, sir! BRITISH COLONEL Very good. And try and lose some weight for God's sake! They exchange salutes and the Colonel exits. FAT SOLDIER Yessir! (sotto after the Colonel) I outta smash your teeth out with a Toffee Hammer Mr. English Colonel Telling-Me-What-To-Do-And-Stealing- our-Oil-Refusing-To-Recognize- our- Scottish-Independence! The Fat Soldier begins to play the BAGPIPES, a white vapor comes out of them, filling the room. The other soldiers COLLAPSE, unconscious. He bores through the ice and pulls out a Sixties high-tech syringe type device with an LED graph on the side. He places it in Austin's navel. The LED meter goes from red to green, indicating FULL MOJO. EXT./INT. AUSTIN'S SHAGUAR - DRIVING - DAY Austin drives in MODERN TRAFFIC. He is drinking a STARBUCKS COFFEE and listening to the Jag's in-dash CD PLAYER. Suddenly Austin DROOPS. The car starts to sputter. The fuel gauge reads empty. AUSTIN Gor blimey, I'm on empty! That's funny, I just filled the Shaguar up this morning. Austin hits a button on the dashboard. BASIL EXPOSITION appears on the picture phone in the dash. BASIL EXPOSITION (on picture phone) Hello, I'm Basil Exposition, head of British Intelligence. AUSTIN You always are, Basil. Listen, the weirdest thing just happened, I've run out of petrol. BASIL EXPOSITION We'll send a man around immediately. How was your honeymoon? AUSTIN Vanessa tried to kill me, Basil. She was a Fembot! BASIL EXPOSITION Ah women, who can understand them? Moving on, let's discuss your new case. AUSTIN New case? Very shagadelic, Basil! BASIL EXPOSITION You'll be doing a photo shoot. We know that one of the models is an ex- KGB agent selling top secret material to the highest bidder. AUSTIN That sounds easy enough, you know what they say: all work and no shagging makes Austin a dull boy, man! INT. SKI LODGE Austin sets up his photo equipment. The room is decorated in classic Heffner- bear skin rugs, leather chairs, roaring fire. AUSTIN (looking around) Tres chic, baby. REG, the photo assistant, enters. REG Austin, the models are ready. AUSTIN Ta, Reg. Bless your cotton socks. Hey, Reg, do you have any hobbies? REG What? AUSTIN Hobbies, man! I for one enjoy making models! The models make their entrance. They are REAL SUPERMODELS, say CINDY CRAWFORD, REBECCA ROMAJIN and also one MODEL we don't know. SUPERMODELS (circling Austin) It's him! Oh my God! It's Austin Powers! Austin shoots a look to Reg like 'still got it, baby.' AUSTIN One at a time, girls. One. At. A. Time! CINDY Hi, I'm Cindy. I don't believe I've had the pleasure. AUSTIN Of course you haven't had "The Pleasure", we just met, baby, yeah! REBECCA How do you do, Austin? I'm Rebecca. (indicating the photo gear) Your equipment is quite impressive. AUSTIN Thank you. Your breasts are amazing. Austin comes to the unknown model. She is tall and angular. AUSTIN And what's your name, baby? MODEL (thick Russian accent) Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN Excuse me? IVANA Ivana. Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN And I vanna toilet made of solid gold but it's just not in the cards, now is it? Austin looks over the girls, trying to decide who is the spy. AUSTIN (V.O.) (inner monologue) Now, which one is the Russian spy? Cindy Crawford, Rebecca Romajin... or Ivana Humpalot? Think, man, think! Austin begins snapping pictures. The sequence is shot like a photo shoot, with freeze frames, etc. AUSTIN Alright, baby! Love it. Turn and pout for me baby! Smashing! Cindy gets on all fours. AUSTIN Great, darling. Give me some shoulder. Yes, yes, yes. (angry) No! No! FULL FRAME, cover of Vogue. Cindy with her head framed out. AUSTIN (to Rebecca) Show me love. Smashing! You're an animal. You're a tiger. Be a tiger, baby! You're great! You're Grrrrrr- eat! You're Tony, be corn flakes, baby, be frosted. Now be a lemur, baby! You're a ring-tailed lemur. Rebecca looks confused. REBECCA A lemur? AUSTIN A small mammal native to the African savannah. C'mon baby, you know. Like this! (imitating lemur) OK, predator coming! Now, burrow, burrow! You're a lemur. It's all you've got. (beat) I take it back. Be a tiger again. Smashing! FULL FRAME, Rebecca on the cover of National--Geographic. AUSTIN And... done! I'm spent! Austin throws his camera to Reg, who catches it. REG Hel-lo, you forgot about Ivana. AUSTIN I didn't forget, baby. Miss Humpalot and I are going to have a 'private session'. Reg shows the girls out as they PROTEST. Austin and Ivana are left alone. Austin CLAPS TWICE and the lights dim. He CLAPS again and the fire goes up. MUSIC: I'm Never Going To Fall in Love Again by BURT BACHARACH IVANA When did you get "The Clapper"? AUSTIN November, 1964, Dutch East Indies, shore leave. IVANA Are you cold, Mr. Powers? AUSTIN I once had a bad experience with frostbite. I had to dip my tadger into a brandy snifter. Ivana moves over to a chessboard set up nearby. IVANA Do you know how we keep warm in Russia? AUSTIN I can guess, baby. IVANA We play chess. AUSTIN I guessed wrong. IVANA It takes a keen intelligence to play chess. Of course, you know what they say about men with big brains, don't you? AUSTIN They wear large hats? IVANA No, they make better lovers. AUSTIN Wrong again. Ivana starts playing with the chess pieces sexily (like in The Thomas Crowne Affair). IVANA I assume you know how to play. She runs the bishop across her lips sexily. AUSTIN Of course. The... horsey... moves in an L shape. Austin tries to match her sexy moves and CHOKES on a piece. AUSTIN Let's stop playing games with each other... especially difficult ones. May I ask you a question, Miss Humpalot? IVANA Of course. AUSTIN Do I make you horny? Do I? Austin rolls around on the polar bear rug. IVANA I'll tell you anything you want to know, just make love to me. She pulls his shirt off, revealing his prodigious chest hair. IVANA You are hairy, like an animal! AUSTIN (growling and barking) Grrrr, baby. Austin takes the head of the bear skin rug. AUSTIN Grrrr. Ruf! Ruf! (covers the bear's eyes) Wait a tick, I don't want him watching me while I'm on the job! IVANA Make love to me, monkey man. AUSTIN Groovy, baby! We pan around the room, seeing all the stuffed and mounted wildlife who seem to be watching. Suddenly the camera stops. So does the music. IVANA (O.S.) What's the matter? CUT TO: MONTAGE - VARIOUS STOCK FOOTAGE A tall flower wilts and beds over. A souffle falls. A flag is lowered to half mast. A giant redwood falls in a forest. A hot air balloon deflates and falls. An actual scientific diagram of a penis in the refractory period. INT. LODGE AUSTIN (to camera) Crikey, I've lost my mojo. EXT. LONDON STREETS (STOCK FOOTAGE) An ambulance races through the streets, SIREN BLARING. EXT. MINISTRY OF DEFENSE SUPER: "MINISTRY OF DEFENSE" INT. MOD - HALLWAY Basil hurries through, pushing past TECHNICIANS and WORKERS. BASIL EXPOSITION Where is he? In here? INT. MOD - LAB Basil enters. Cross between a hospital room and a lab. Austin lies in bed hooked up to lots of monitoring equipment. BASIL EXPOSITION Austin, I came as soon as I heard. AUSTIN There must be some kind of mistake, Basil. Maybe I was drunk and I didn't know it. Austin holds his neck very stiffly. BASIL EXPOSITION What's wrong with your neck, Austin? AUSTIN (turning stiffly to face Basil) I took a Viagra and it got caught in my throat. I've had a stiff neck for hours. Basil, is it true? Have I lost my mojo? BASIL EXPOSITION We're going to run a few tests, Austin. Don't worry, old friend, we'll get to the bottom of this. INT. MRI MACHINE Austin is being loaded into one of those big scary MRI machines: the MOJONATOR 9000. The mojo meter reads VERY LOW. INT. MOD LAB MONTAGE (TIME-LAPSE): Technicians in white suits and masks transform the room into a love lair: A pair of Latex-gloved hands carefully puts a BURT BACHARACH record on a turntable. Examination lights are replaced with LAVA LAMPS. A tray is brought in with a videotape marked "SWEDISH EDUCATIONAL FILM." Finally, the transformation is complete. Austin lies in bed reading a vintage PLAYBOY. A CANDY STRIPE NURSE enters, very pretty, in a tight outfit. NURSE Excuse me, Mr. Powers, I need to give you a sponge bath before we begin the test. AUSTIN (not paying attention to her) Alright, miss, just let me finish this article on the Suez crisis. An ALARM goes off. Bright LIGHTS come on. Basil enters. AUSTIN What's going on? BASIL EXPOSITION Alright, everyone, we're done. AUSTIN But the test hasn't even started!

giant

How many times the word 'giant' appears in the text?

Austin Powers - The Spy Who Shagged Me Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME By Mike Myers MUSIC: timpani roll and dramatic sting NARRATOR In his last adventure, Austin Powers, a swinging spy from the Sixties, was unfrozen in the Nineties to battle his archenemy Dr. Evil. Austin foiled Dr. Evil's plan to send a nuclear warhead to the center of the earth and banished him into space forever. Or so he thought. EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT (ESTABLISHING SHOT FROM FIRST MOVIE) SUPER: THE FRENCH RIVIERA INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY Elegant double doors with a brass plaque reading "Honeymoon Suite." A "Do Not-Disturb" sign hangs from the handle. INT. HOTEL SUITE FROM THE FIRST MOVIE: Austin and Vanessa snuggle in bed. She plays with his chest hair. VANESSA I love you, Mr. Powers. AUSTIN And I love you, Mrs. Powers. SHOT TO MATCH EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin gets out of bed. We see Vanessa putting on her robe from behind, and then EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa kiss. VANESSA Let's go out on the terrace. It's a beautiful night, we can look at the stars. EXT. HOTEL BALCONY EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa gaze at the stars. AUSTIN Look how beautiful the night sky is. VANESSA Isn't that the big dipper? AUSTIN Yeah, and that looks just like Uranus. VANESSA Austin! AUSTIN (sheepish) Well, you know. VANESSA Hey, I've never seen that big star before. AUSTIN Yeah, what is that? Austin pulls out his telescope and takes a look. AUSTIN'S POV - TELESCOPE EFFECT EXT. SPACE EXISTING SHOT: The Bob's Big Boy rocket. INT. DR. EVIL'S CAPSULE DR. EVIL This isn't over yet, Mr. Powers. I have one more trick up my sleeve, don't I Mr. Bigglesworth? The frozen Mr. Bigglesworth MEOWS. EXT. SPACE The Bob's Big Boy rocket. Suddenly, a hatch opens in Bob's rear end and Dr. Evil's silver egg capsule poops out. SFX: PLOOP! Capsule begins fiery re-entry to Earth INT. HOTEL ROOM Austin comes in and shuts the balcony door. AUSTIN Oh well, I guess it was nothing. A VANESSA DOUBLE crosses carrying a bouquet of flowers, which obscure her face. AUSTIN Care for some champagne? (pouring) Here's to monotony-- I mean, monogamy! Vanessa sits at the vanity with her back turned. AUSTIN Hello? Vanessa? What are you doing, luv? VANESSA (back turned) Just putting on my-- As Vanessa turns around she puts her hands up and PULLS OFF HER FACE revealing wires, transistors, and a speaker where her mouth should be. FEMBOT VANESSA (computer voice) MAKE-UP! AUSTIN (frightened) Vanessa, you're a Fembot! They fight. Midway through the fight, machine guns pop out of Vanessa's breasts. AUSTIN Machine gun jubblies, how did I miss those? VANESSA (robot voice) PERHAPS NEXT TIME YOU SHOULD TRY FOREPLAY. Her machine gun breasts FIRE, spraying the room in SLO-MO. Then they run out of ammo and CLICK, CLICK. Austin empties his gun into the robot, but to no avail. She rushes at him, he gives her a judo chop, also to no avail. Then Austin' notices a SELF-DESTRUCT switch and hits it. She starts to twitch, her head spins, and she EXPLODES. Fembot parts fly around the room. Austin sits on the bed, saddened. He holds Vanessa's hand, which has wires hanging out of it. On one of the fingers is her wedding ring. MUSIC: VERY SAD PIANO AUSTIN (very sad) I can't believe Vanessa, my bride, my one true love, the woman who taught me the beauty of sharing your whole life with another, the person who taught me the meaning of love, was a Fembot. How will I ever go on? (beat) Wait a tic! That means I'm single! Oh, behave! INT. LOBBY - HOTEL Rich European guests mill about the luxurious lobby. Suddenly, Austin dances through naked. Just as we are about to see his bits and pieces, a man lifts up his suitcase. AUSTIN Yeah, baby, I'm free! I'm naked and free! SEQUENCE CREDIT MUSIC: Soul Bassanova by QUINCY JONES PAN UP Austin's NAKED body as he walks down a boardwalk. Just as the camera reaches that most sensitive of areas, a credit appears STARRING MIKE MYERS. Austin gives a big 'who me?' and we FREEZE FRAME. EXT. BOARDWALK - FRENCH RIVERA European types stare and point. We see Austin from behind. His bottom half is blocked by a bicycle. The bicycle moves away. Just as Austin's bum is about to be revealed- A CREDIT APPEARS blocking it. Austin turns his head around to the camera and puts his hand to his mouth in an 'oh my!' take and we FREEZE FRAME. A MAN IN A RAINCOAT flashes Austin, his thingy blocked by a credit. Austin just laughs...crazy, man! Austin goes around a corner. A moment later he returns, followed by a NUDE MARCHING BAND. A SIGN on the left side of the screen reads "Warning! Nude Beach". Austin enters from the left. We see his naked, hairy torso from the waist up. Just as he is about to appear from behind the sign, a... CREDIT APPEARS MOVING LEFT TO RIGHT Blocking his penis lengthwise as he walks. NUDE BEACH - CREDIT SEQUENCE A girl sits on a blanket; a HORIZONTAL CREDIT blocks her bare chest. Austin lays on his back beside her, trying to be suave; A VERTICAL CREDIT appears. The wind blows away a kite, revealing a stark-naked girl. The credit "PRODUCTION DESIGN" blocks her chest; the credit "BY" blocks her you-know-what. Austin walks into frame; the "PRODUCTION DESIGNER'S NAME" disguises his growing interest. Austin joins a nude volleyball game in progress. CREDITS appear everywhere to block all possible combinations of nudity. People leap in all directions to make saves, causing CREDITS TO APPEAR at crazy angles. A pretty girl watches Austin lift weights. Her boobs are blocked by the "WRITTEN BY" credit. Austin lifts a dumbbell. The credit "MIKE MYERS" sticks out from his waist. Austin looks proud. A BUFF NAKED BODYBUILDER joins them. He lifts a much heavier weight. A much longer credit sticks out from his waist: "AND MICHAEL MCCULLERS". Austin pouts. Austin runs down the beach, his bum blocked by the credit "DIRECTED BY". He jumps on a trampoline and does the splits in mid-air: FREEZE FRAME AND PAN AROUND LIKE IN THE GAP "KHAKI SWING" AD. Austin smiles crazily, his penis blocked by "JAY ROACH." Austin does a super-duper double flip into his JAGUAR. AUSTIN Shaguar, baby, yeah! CU on the chrome script on the grill: it reads "Shaguar" where it would normally read "Jaguar". The car speeds off. FULL SCREEN TV JERRY SPRINGER SHOW On the stage we see a Klansman father and his Klansman son, a Nazi father and his Nazi son, and SCOTT EVIL all seated on a panel. Lower Third Chyron: "MY FATHER IS EVIL AND WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" JERRY SPRINGER If you just joined us, today's topic is "my father is evil and wants to take over the world". Now, Bobby, you had something you wanted to share with your father before the break. BOBBY Dad, I know you're against race mixing and all that, but I met someone... KLANSMAN Don't say it! The crowd WHOOPS. BOBBY I met someone... and he's black. The crowd goes crazy. KLANSMAN He? The Klansman holds his hooded head in his hands. JERRY SPRINGER Please welcome Tim. A handsome Blair Underwood look-alike enters and hugs the Klansman's son. The crowd screams. JERRY MOVES TO SCOTT EVIL. JERRY SPRINGER Now Scott, tell us about your father. Share with us. SCOTT Well he's the head of an evil organization that has aspirations for world domination. JERRY SPRINGER And where is your father right now? SCOTT He's in outer space, like frozen in a giant egg and stuffed inside a Big Boy rocket with his cat, Mr. Bigglesworth. JERRY SPRINGER Really? Well, we have a surprise for you, Scott. Let's bring out SCOTT'S father, Dr Evil. Dr Evil enters. Lower Third Chyron: "WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" DR. EVIL Hello Scott, I'm back. SCOTT I can't believe you'd do this to me on national television! DR. EVIL They offered me a free makeover. JERRY SPRINGER Dr. Evil, we've seen a lot of the fathers here today open up to their sons, sons to the fathers. Is there anything you'd like to share? DR. EVIL Share? JERRY SPRINGER Yes, don't you have any secrets? DR. EVIL OK. I have a vestigial tail. Everyone is a little grossed out. DR. EVIL It's more of a nub, really. The spine just goes on a little longer than it should. Also, I've dabbled. I mean, perform fellatio once and you're a poet, twice and you're a homosexual. I remember once I was being fisted by Sebastian Cabot- but here's where the story gets interesting. He was lactose-intolerant. He could eat red meat all night long, but one sip of milk and it was gastric hell. And I remember we were caught in fragrance delicto by Henry Kissinger, and you can imagine my humiliation at having Hank hear me say, "Mr. French, no teeth." One of my greatest disappointments is that I never became a song and dance man. I could have been a quadruple threat, kind of like a despotic Ken Barry. Dancer, singer, actor, and I would possess nuclear weapons, the latter being the most threatening of the four. I once sat on a bus and tried to will myself a menstrual cycle. All I ended up with was a sense of failure and a mild neuralgia in my incisor teeth and perhaps a grudging respect for the weaker sex. I love toe cleavage. For the most part I distrust dogs. I slept in a horse once. It was quite roomy. On second thought, it was the Ritz. I named my left testicle 'piss' and my right testicle 'vinegar'. I wrote "It's Raining Men", or so the Christmas babies told me. Oh yes, I also made a Marzipan voodoo effigy of The Fonze while I was in coma after smoking some Peruvian prayer hash, but who at the end of the day can honestly say they haven't done that? The Springer audience is stunned, slack-jawed and for once quiet. KLANSMAN What are you, some kind of freak? SCOTT Shut up, jagoff! Studio audience whoops at this. KLANSMAN I'll kick your ass punk! Crowd goes crazy. DR. EVIL No one talks to my boy that way! Dr. Evil charges at Klansman and starts to bitch slap him. Security men, with headsets on, rush in to separate them. DR. EVIL I'm OK, I'm OK. There is a BEAT, then Dr. Evil CHARGES the guy again, knocking him down. DR. EVIL Come Scott, let's go to daddy's new evil lair. EXT. WORLD HEADQUARTERS BUILDING - DAY We pan up a modern office building. The camera reaches the top of the building and we see a giant STARBUCKS LOGO and the words: Starbucks World Headquarters. INT. STARBUCKS BOARD ROOM The penthouse boardroom is adorned with Starbucks paraphernalia: large logo, clear canisters full of beans, and a large world map with a little logo everywhere there is a Starbucks. Around a large table are Dr. Evil, Number Two (bandaged and lightly spotted with soot), Frau, Scott and a couple of NEW HENCHMEN. A Starbucks employee serves everyone steaming hot coffee products. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, as the legitimate frontman of your organization, I seized upon the opportunity to invest in a small Seattle-based coffee company several years ago. Today, Starbucks is a far- flung empire with 2000 outlets worldwide. DR. EVIL Oh good, Number Two, I do enjoy a good cuppa joe. NUMBER TWO If I may continue, I believe if we shift our resources away from world domination and focus on providing premium quality coffee drinks, we can increase our gross profits fivefold. Dr. Evil takes a sip of cappuccino, leaving a WHITE FROTHY MILK MUSTACHE on his upper lip. DR. EVIL Right. Perhaps you've confused me with someone who gives a shit. Might I remind you that I run the show here? I demand a little respect. NUMBER TWO (indicating Dr. Evil's milk mustache) Dr. Evil, I think you-- DR. EVIL Silence! I will not tolerate your insolence! Remember what happened last time. FLASHBACK (FOOTAGE FROM FIRST MOVIE) Number Two disappears backwards into the fiery pit. INT. STARBUCKS WORLD HEADQUARTERS Number Two smiles weakly, breaking into a sweat on his brow. NUMBER TWO May I add, I appreciate you reinstating me after our little... misunderstanding. DR. EVIL Frau Farbissina. Wie gehts is einen? We see Frau. She looks a little more 'masculine' than before. FRAU Zehr gut, Herr Doctor. DR. EVIL How are things? FRAU I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak it's name. To my right is my lover. We see a severe-looking German woman with one continuous eyebrow. FRAU Her name is Unibrau. I met her on the LPGA Tour. DR. EVIL Right on. Welcome, Unibrau. Dr. Evil takes another sip of cappuccino, making the frothy milk mustache even larger. FRAU Doctor, you have a 'milk mustache.' DR. EVIL (wiping it off, embarrassed) Oh, I know. I know. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I'd like to introduce the Greek assassin, Oedipus. We see a swarthy Greek army guy. DR. EVIL Welcome to my private army, Oedipus. Excited? OEDIPUS I could give a shit. DR. EVIL Kiss your mother with that mouth? OEDIPUS Yes. DR. EVIL Of course you do. Dr Evil begins to press a button labelled "Oedipus" on his control panel, but Number Two interrupts. NUMBER TWO (clearing throat) Dr. Evil, as you know, the rate at which you liquidate henchmen far exceeds our ability to replace them. DR. EVIL I have so few pleasures left to me, Number Two. The key to life is to rotate your vices. One day it's executions, another day it's creamy French cheese. It's like frickin' heroin. NUMBER TWO Well, Dr. Evil, perhaps I have the answer. While you were frozen, we began a program to clone you. DR. EVIL Cool. NUMBER TWO We had a few glitches, but I think you'll be pleased with the results. FRAU (shouting) Send in the clone! MUSIC: dramatic sting We see the shadow of an approaching figure. The shadow looks like Dr. Evil, only much larger and scarier. NUMBER TWO He is identical to you in every way, except he is one-eighth your size. We see that the source of the shadow is a MINIATURE DR. EVIL, just like the creepy mini-Marlon Brando in The Island of Dr. Moreau. He mimics Dr. Evil's mannerisms including holding his tiny pinky to his tiny mouth. DR. EVIL Breathtaking. I shall call him Mini- Me. (to clone) Mini-Me, you will sit to my right. Mini-Me sits down in a miniature version of Dr. Evil's command chair. DR. EVIL Come Mr. Bigglesworth! The bald Mr. Bigglesworth runs and jumps into Dr. Evil's lap. A bald MR. BIGGLESWORTH KITTEN jumps into Mini-Me's lap. DR. EVIL Mini-me, something to eat? (expectant pause) No? (pause) OK. (to room) Tired. Gentleman, I have a plan. As you know, the most powerful man in the world is the President of the United States. But he is just that- a man, subject to temptations of the flesh like any other man. Here's what we do: we make it seem that the President has had "extra-marital oral relations" with- and this is the kicker- DRAMATIC STING, SNAP ZOOM TO DR. EVIL. DR. EVIL With a White House intern! Dr. Evil gloats. So does Mini-Me. NUMBER TWO (clearing his throat) Uh-hem. DR. EVIL What, that already happened? Number Two nods. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous. Oh well, how about a frickin' time machine? Does the president have a time machine? Have I been scooped on that? NUMBER TWO No, not that I'm aware of. DR. EVIL Alright, time machine it is. As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen? SCOTT Because you never kill him when you get the chance and you're a dope? Mini-Me hops upon the table and tries to push the "Scott Evil" button on Dr. Evil's control panel. Frau SQUIRTS him with a water bottle. Mini-Me glares at Scott and GIVES HIM THE FINGER. DR. EVIL No, because Austin Powers has "mojo". NUMBER TWO Mojo? FRAU Yes, mojo. The mojo is the life force, the essence, the libido, the "right stuff". DR. EVIL It's what the French call a certain 'I don't know what.' SCOTT If you've got a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill Austin Powers when he's a baby or something? DR. EVIL No, no, no. NUMBER TWO (interrupting) Dr. Evil, wouldn't it be easier to use your knowledge of the future to play the stock market? We could literally make trillions. DR. EVIL (smug laugh to himself) Why make trillions when we could make... (pause) Billions? NUMBER TWO Excuse me? DR. EVIL Why think small is all I'm saying. SCOTT A trillion is more than a billion, numb-nuts. DR. EVIL Zip it. Unveil the time portal! A wall panel opens to reveal a Stargate-like wall of shimmering energy. DR. EVIL Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the time portal. As you know, Austin Powers was frozen in 1967. Therefore, I time travel to 1969, two years after he was frozen. Security will be lax and I'll strike when he is totally helpless. First, I take Austin Powers' mojo. Then I begin my domination of the world. SCOTT Can I come? DR. EVIL No, Scott, Daddy has a score to settle. Austin Powers is the snake to my mongoose, or the mongoose to my snake. Either way it's bad, I don't know animals. But I do know this: This time it's personal. Frau, Number 2, I'll see you both in 1969. Come, Mini-Me. Dr. Evil walks to the portal. Mini-Me follows, imitating him perfectly. They enter the portal. There is a FREEZE FRAME effect and they FADE AWAY, like in Star Trek. INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - Dr. Evil and Mini-Me emerge on the other side of the portal into a NEW LAIR. It is a large hollowed-out volcano room dominated by chrome conduits and tasteful art pieces. A younger Frau sits with NUMBER TWO, now played by ROB LOWE in an eye-patch. DR. EVIL Ah, here we are Mini-Me, 1969. Number Two, you look very youthful and healthy. (turning to Frau) And Frau you look...right. As Dr. Evil walks to the center of the room, chairs rise from the floor. Everyone takes a seat, but Dr. Evil gets caught in the middle as chairs rise around him. He is frightened. One of the rising chairs hits him in the crotch. DR. EVIL OK, people, we now officially have a chair problem. If another one of these chairs hits me in the nuts, I'm gonna go postal. Mini-Me, I want you to meet Number Two. NUMBER TWO Hello there. Mini-me says nothing. DR. EVIL Mini-Me? Mini-me still says nothing. DR. EVIL Shy. Low blood sugar. (to room) Gentlemen, Phase Two is beginning. I have an operative inside the Ministry of Defense. By this time tomorrow, Austin Powers' mojo will be mine. Dr. Evil goes over and looks out the large window. DR. EVIL (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! EXT. DR. EVIL'S TROPICAL ISLAND - We cut outside to see that window is in fact the left eye of a Mt. Rushmore-type depiction of Dr. Evil carved into the side of a volcano on a tropical island. DR. EVIL (V.O.) (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! INT. MOD - CRYOGENIC FREEZING ROOM - We see Austin's FROZEN BODY in cryogenic storage. Above it, we see two digital clocks. One reads: CURRENT DATE: MAY 25, 1969, the other reads: DATE FROZEN: NOVEMBER 11, 1967. One of the SCOTS GUARDS, is an IMMENSELY FAT SCOTTISH SOLDIER (played by Mike Myers). BRITISH COLONEL We've had reports that there's a spy in the Ministry of Defense. The contents of this room are vital to the country. Be on special alert. FAT SOLDIER (thick Scottish accent) Those bastards will have to kill me before I let anything happen to this wee naked hairy popsicle, sir! BRITISH COLONEL Very good. And try and lose some weight for God's sake! They exchange salutes and the Colonel exits. FAT SOLDIER Yessir! (sotto after the Colonel) I outta smash your teeth out with a Toffee Hammer Mr. English Colonel Telling-Me-What-To-Do-And-Stealing- our-Oil-Refusing-To-Recognize- our- Scottish-Independence! The Fat Soldier begins to play the BAGPIPES, a white vapor comes out of them, filling the room. The other soldiers COLLAPSE, unconscious. He bores through the ice and pulls out a Sixties high-tech syringe type device with an LED graph on the side. He places it in Austin's navel. The LED meter goes from red to green, indicating FULL MOJO. EXT./INT. AUSTIN'S SHAGUAR - DRIVING - DAY Austin drives in MODERN TRAFFIC. He is drinking a STARBUCKS COFFEE and listening to the Jag's in-dash CD PLAYER. Suddenly Austin DROOPS. The car starts to sputter. The fuel gauge reads empty. AUSTIN Gor blimey, I'm on empty! That's funny, I just filled the Shaguar up this morning. Austin hits a button on the dashboard. BASIL EXPOSITION appears on the picture phone in the dash. BASIL EXPOSITION (on picture phone) Hello, I'm Basil Exposition, head of British Intelligence. AUSTIN You always are, Basil. Listen, the weirdest thing just happened, I've run out of petrol. BASIL EXPOSITION We'll send a man around immediately. How was your honeymoon? AUSTIN Vanessa tried to kill me, Basil. She was a Fembot! BASIL EXPOSITION Ah women, who can understand them? Moving on, let's discuss your new case. AUSTIN New case? Very shagadelic, Basil! BASIL EXPOSITION You'll be doing a photo shoot. We know that one of the models is an ex- KGB agent selling top secret material to the highest bidder. AUSTIN That sounds easy enough, you know what they say: all work and no shagging makes Austin a dull boy, man! INT. SKI LODGE Austin sets up his photo equipment. The room is decorated in classic Heffner- bear skin rugs, leather chairs, roaring fire. AUSTIN (looking around) Tres chic, baby. REG, the photo assistant, enters. REG Austin, the models are ready. AUSTIN Ta, Reg. Bless your cotton socks. Hey, Reg, do you have any hobbies? REG What? AUSTIN Hobbies, man! I for one enjoy making models! The models make their entrance. They are REAL SUPERMODELS, say CINDY CRAWFORD, REBECCA ROMAJIN and also one MODEL we don't know. SUPERMODELS (circling Austin) It's him! Oh my God! It's Austin Powers! Austin shoots a look to Reg like 'still got it, baby.' AUSTIN One at a time, girls. One. At. A. Time! CINDY Hi, I'm Cindy. I don't believe I've had the pleasure. AUSTIN Of course you haven't had "The Pleasure", we just met, baby, yeah! REBECCA How do you do, Austin? I'm Rebecca. (indicating the photo gear) Your equipment is quite impressive. AUSTIN Thank you. Your breasts are amazing. Austin comes to the unknown model. She is tall and angular. AUSTIN And what's your name, baby? MODEL (thick Russian accent) Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN Excuse me? IVANA Ivana. Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN And I vanna toilet made of solid gold but it's just not in the cards, now is it? Austin looks over the girls, trying to decide who is the spy. AUSTIN (V.O.) (inner monologue) Now, which one is the Russian spy? Cindy Crawford, Rebecca Romajin... or Ivana Humpalot? Think, man, think! Austin begins snapping pictures. The sequence is shot like a photo shoot, with freeze frames, etc. AUSTIN Alright, baby! Love it. Turn and pout for me baby! Smashing! Cindy gets on all fours. AUSTIN Great, darling. Give me some shoulder. Yes, yes, yes. (angry) No! No! FULL FRAME, cover of Vogue. Cindy with her head framed out. AUSTIN (to Rebecca) Show me love. Smashing! You're an animal. You're a tiger. Be a tiger, baby! You're great! You're Grrrrrr- eat! You're Tony, be corn flakes, baby, be frosted. Now be a lemur, baby! You're a ring-tailed lemur. Rebecca looks confused. REBECCA A lemur? AUSTIN A small mammal native to the African savannah. C'mon baby, you know. Like this! (imitating lemur) OK, predator coming! Now, burrow, burrow! You're a lemur. It's all you've got. (beat) I take it back. Be a tiger again. Smashing! FULL FRAME, Rebecca on the cover of National--Geographic. AUSTIN And... done! I'm spent! Austin throws his camera to Reg, who catches it. REG Hel-lo, you forgot about Ivana. AUSTIN I didn't forget, baby. Miss Humpalot and I are going to have a 'private session'. Reg shows the girls out as they PROTEST. Austin and Ivana are left alone. Austin CLAPS TWICE and the lights dim. He CLAPS again and the fire goes up. MUSIC: I'm Never Going To Fall in Love Again by BURT BACHARACH IVANA When did you get "The Clapper"? AUSTIN November, 1964, Dutch East Indies, shore leave. IVANA Are you cold, Mr. Powers? AUSTIN I once had a bad experience with frostbite. I had to dip my tadger into a brandy snifter. Ivana moves over to a chessboard set up nearby. IVANA Do you know how we keep warm in Russia? AUSTIN I can guess, baby. IVANA We play chess. AUSTIN I guessed wrong. IVANA It takes a keen intelligence to play chess. Of course, you know what they say about men with big brains, don't you? AUSTIN They wear large hats? IVANA No, they make better lovers. AUSTIN Wrong again. Ivana starts playing with the chess pieces sexily (like in The Thomas Crowne Affair). IVANA I assume you know how to play. She runs the bishop across her lips sexily. AUSTIN Of course. The... horsey... moves in an L shape. Austin tries to match her sexy moves and CHOKES on a piece. AUSTIN Let's stop playing games with each other... especially difficult ones. May I ask you a question, Miss Humpalot? IVANA Of course. AUSTIN Do I make you horny? Do I? Austin rolls around on the polar bear rug. IVANA I'll tell you anything you want to know, just make love to me. She pulls his shirt off, revealing his prodigious chest hair. IVANA You are hairy, like an animal! AUSTIN (growling and barking) Grrrr, baby. Austin takes the head of the bear skin rug. AUSTIN Grrrr. Ruf! Ruf! (covers the bear's eyes) Wait a tick, I don't want him watching me while I'm on the job! IVANA Make love to me, monkey man. AUSTIN Groovy, baby! We pan around the room, seeing all the stuffed and mounted wildlife who seem to be watching. Suddenly the camera stops. So does the music. IVANA (O.S.) What's the matter? CUT TO: MONTAGE - VARIOUS STOCK FOOTAGE A tall flower wilts and beds over. A souffle falls. A flag is lowered to half mast. A giant redwood falls in a forest. A hot air balloon deflates and falls. An actual scientific diagram of a penis in the refractory period. INT. LODGE AUSTIN (to camera) Crikey, I've lost my mojo. EXT. LONDON STREETS (STOCK FOOTAGE) An ambulance races through the streets, SIREN BLARING. EXT. MINISTRY OF DEFENSE SUPER: "MINISTRY OF DEFENSE" INT. MOD - HALLWAY Basil hurries through, pushing past TECHNICIANS and WORKERS. BASIL EXPOSITION Where is he? In here? INT. MOD - LAB Basil enters. Cross between a hospital room and a lab. Austin lies in bed hooked up to lots of monitoring equipment. BASIL EXPOSITION Austin, I came as soon as I heard. AUSTIN There must be some kind of mistake, Basil. Maybe I was drunk and I didn't know it. Austin holds his neck very stiffly. BASIL EXPOSITION What's wrong with your neck, Austin? AUSTIN (turning stiffly to face Basil) I took a Viagra and it got caught in my throat. I've had a stiff neck for hours. Basil, is it true? Have I lost my mojo? BASIL EXPOSITION We're going to run a few tests, Austin. Don't worry, old friend, we'll get to the bottom of this. INT. MRI MACHINE Austin is being loaded into one of those big scary MRI machines: the MOJONATOR 9000. The mojo meter reads VERY LOW. INT. MOD LAB MONTAGE (TIME-LAPSE): Technicians in white suits and masks transform the room into a love lair: A pair of Latex-gloved hands carefully puts a BURT BACHARACH record on a turntable. Examination lights are replaced with LAVA LAMPS. A tray is brought in with a videotape marked "SWEDISH EDUCATIONAL FILM." Finally, the transformation is complete. Austin lies in bed reading a vintage PLAYBOY. A CANDY STRIPE NURSE enters, very pretty, in a tight outfit. NURSE Excuse me, Mr. Powers, I need to give you a sponge bath before we begin the test. AUSTIN (not paying attention to her) Alright, miss, just let me finish this article on the Suez crisis. An ALARM goes off. Bright LIGHTS come on. Basil enters. AUSTIN What's going on? BASIL EXPOSITION Alright, everyone, we're done. AUSTIN But the test hasn't even started!

swerves

How many times the word 'swerves' appears in the text?

Austin Powers - The Spy Who Shagged Me Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME By Mike Myers MUSIC: timpani roll and dramatic sting NARRATOR In his last adventure, Austin Powers, a swinging spy from the Sixties, was unfrozen in the Nineties to battle his archenemy Dr. Evil. Austin foiled Dr. Evil's plan to send a nuclear warhead to the center of the earth and banished him into space forever. Or so he thought. EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT (ESTABLISHING SHOT FROM FIRST MOVIE) SUPER: THE FRENCH RIVIERA INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY Elegant double doors with a brass plaque reading "Honeymoon Suite." A "Do Not-Disturb" sign hangs from the handle. INT. HOTEL SUITE FROM THE FIRST MOVIE: Austin and Vanessa snuggle in bed. She plays with his chest hair. VANESSA I love you, Mr. Powers. AUSTIN And I love you, Mrs. Powers. SHOT TO MATCH EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin gets out of bed. We see Vanessa putting on her robe from behind, and then EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa kiss. VANESSA Let's go out on the terrace. It's a beautiful night, we can look at the stars. EXT. HOTEL BALCONY EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa gaze at the stars. AUSTIN Look how beautiful the night sky is. VANESSA Isn't that the big dipper? AUSTIN Yeah, and that looks just like Uranus. VANESSA Austin! AUSTIN (sheepish) Well, you know. VANESSA Hey, I've never seen that big star before. AUSTIN Yeah, what is that? Austin pulls out his telescope and takes a look. AUSTIN'S POV - TELESCOPE EFFECT EXT. SPACE EXISTING SHOT: The Bob's Big Boy rocket. INT. DR. EVIL'S CAPSULE DR. EVIL This isn't over yet, Mr. Powers. I have one more trick up my sleeve, don't I Mr. Bigglesworth? The frozen Mr. Bigglesworth MEOWS. EXT. SPACE The Bob's Big Boy rocket. Suddenly, a hatch opens in Bob's rear end and Dr. Evil's silver egg capsule poops out. SFX: PLOOP! Capsule begins fiery re-entry to Earth INT. HOTEL ROOM Austin comes in and shuts the balcony door. AUSTIN Oh well, I guess it was nothing. A VANESSA DOUBLE crosses carrying a bouquet of flowers, which obscure her face. AUSTIN Care for some champagne? (pouring) Here's to monotony-- I mean, monogamy! Vanessa sits at the vanity with her back turned. AUSTIN Hello? Vanessa? What are you doing, luv? VANESSA (back turned) Just putting on my-- As Vanessa turns around she puts her hands up and PULLS OFF HER FACE revealing wires, transistors, and a speaker where her mouth should be. FEMBOT VANESSA (computer voice) MAKE-UP! AUSTIN (frightened) Vanessa, you're a Fembot! They fight. Midway through the fight, machine guns pop out of Vanessa's breasts. AUSTIN Machine gun jubblies, how did I miss those? VANESSA (robot voice) PERHAPS NEXT TIME YOU SHOULD TRY FOREPLAY. Her machine gun breasts FIRE, spraying the room in SLO-MO. Then they run out of ammo and CLICK, CLICK. Austin empties his gun into the robot, but to no avail. She rushes at him, he gives her a judo chop, also to no avail. Then Austin' notices a SELF-DESTRUCT switch and hits it. She starts to twitch, her head spins, and she EXPLODES. Fembot parts fly around the room. Austin sits on the bed, saddened. He holds Vanessa's hand, which has wires hanging out of it. On one of the fingers is her wedding ring. MUSIC: VERY SAD PIANO AUSTIN (very sad) I can't believe Vanessa, my bride, my one true love, the woman who taught me the beauty of sharing your whole life with another, the person who taught me the meaning of love, was a Fembot. How will I ever go on? (beat) Wait a tic! That means I'm single! Oh, behave! INT. LOBBY - HOTEL Rich European guests mill about the luxurious lobby. Suddenly, Austin dances through naked. Just as we are about to see his bits and pieces, a man lifts up his suitcase. AUSTIN Yeah, baby, I'm free! I'm naked and free! SEQUENCE CREDIT MUSIC: Soul Bassanova by QUINCY JONES PAN UP Austin's NAKED body as he walks down a boardwalk. Just as the camera reaches that most sensitive of areas, a credit appears STARRING MIKE MYERS. Austin gives a big 'who me?' and we FREEZE FRAME. EXT. BOARDWALK - FRENCH RIVERA European types stare and point. We see Austin from behind. His bottom half is blocked by a bicycle. The bicycle moves away. Just as Austin's bum is about to be revealed- A CREDIT APPEARS blocking it. Austin turns his head around to the camera and puts his hand to his mouth in an 'oh my!' take and we FREEZE FRAME. A MAN IN A RAINCOAT flashes Austin, his thingy blocked by a credit. Austin just laughs...crazy, man! Austin goes around a corner. A moment later he returns, followed by a NUDE MARCHING BAND. A SIGN on the left side of the screen reads "Warning! Nude Beach". Austin enters from the left. We see his naked, hairy torso from the waist up. Just as he is about to appear from behind the sign, a... CREDIT APPEARS MOVING LEFT TO RIGHT Blocking his penis lengthwise as he walks. NUDE BEACH - CREDIT SEQUENCE A girl sits on a blanket; a HORIZONTAL CREDIT blocks her bare chest. Austin lays on his back beside her, trying to be suave; A VERTICAL CREDIT appears. The wind blows away a kite, revealing a stark-naked girl. The credit "PRODUCTION DESIGN" blocks her chest; the credit "BY" blocks her you-know-what. Austin walks into frame; the "PRODUCTION DESIGNER'S NAME" disguises his growing interest. Austin joins a nude volleyball game in progress. CREDITS appear everywhere to block all possible combinations of nudity. People leap in all directions to make saves, causing CREDITS TO APPEAR at crazy angles. A pretty girl watches Austin lift weights. Her boobs are blocked by the "WRITTEN BY" credit. Austin lifts a dumbbell. The credit "MIKE MYERS" sticks out from his waist. Austin looks proud. A BUFF NAKED BODYBUILDER joins them. He lifts a much heavier weight. A much longer credit sticks out from his waist: "AND MICHAEL MCCULLERS". Austin pouts. Austin runs down the beach, his bum blocked by the credit "DIRECTED BY". He jumps on a trampoline and does the splits in mid-air: FREEZE FRAME AND PAN AROUND LIKE IN THE GAP "KHAKI SWING" AD. Austin smiles crazily, his penis blocked by "JAY ROACH." Austin does a super-duper double flip into his JAGUAR. AUSTIN Shaguar, baby, yeah! CU on the chrome script on the grill: it reads "Shaguar" where it would normally read "Jaguar". The car speeds off. FULL SCREEN TV JERRY SPRINGER SHOW On the stage we see a Klansman father and his Klansman son, a Nazi father and his Nazi son, and SCOTT EVIL all seated on a panel. Lower Third Chyron: "MY FATHER IS EVIL AND WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" JERRY SPRINGER If you just joined us, today's topic is "my father is evil and wants to take over the world". Now, Bobby, you had something you wanted to share with your father before the break. BOBBY Dad, I know you're against race mixing and all that, but I met someone... KLANSMAN Don't say it! The crowd WHOOPS. BOBBY I met someone... and he's black. The crowd goes crazy. KLANSMAN He? The Klansman holds his hooded head in his hands. JERRY SPRINGER Please welcome Tim. A handsome Blair Underwood look-alike enters and hugs the Klansman's son. The crowd screams. JERRY MOVES TO SCOTT EVIL. JERRY SPRINGER Now Scott, tell us about your father. Share with us. SCOTT Well he's the head of an evil organization that has aspirations for world domination. JERRY SPRINGER And where is your father right now? SCOTT He's in outer space, like frozen in a giant egg and stuffed inside a Big Boy rocket with his cat, Mr. Bigglesworth. JERRY SPRINGER Really? Well, we have a surprise for you, Scott. Let's bring out SCOTT'S father, Dr Evil. Dr Evil enters. Lower Third Chyron: "WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" DR. EVIL Hello Scott, I'm back. SCOTT I can't believe you'd do this to me on national television! DR. EVIL They offered me a free makeover. JERRY SPRINGER Dr. Evil, we've seen a lot of the fathers here today open up to their sons, sons to the fathers. Is there anything you'd like to share? DR. EVIL Share? JERRY SPRINGER Yes, don't you have any secrets? DR. EVIL OK. I have a vestigial tail. Everyone is a little grossed out. DR. EVIL It's more of a nub, really. The spine just goes on a little longer than it should. Also, I've dabbled. I mean, perform fellatio once and you're a poet, twice and you're a homosexual. I remember once I was being fisted by Sebastian Cabot- but here's where the story gets interesting. He was lactose-intolerant. He could eat red meat all night long, but one sip of milk and it was gastric hell. And I remember we were caught in fragrance delicto by Henry Kissinger, and you can imagine my humiliation at having Hank hear me say, "Mr. French, no teeth." One of my greatest disappointments is that I never became a song and dance man. I could have been a quadruple threat, kind of like a despotic Ken Barry. Dancer, singer, actor, and I would possess nuclear weapons, the latter being the most threatening of the four. I once sat on a bus and tried to will myself a menstrual cycle. All I ended up with was a sense of failure and a mild neuralgia in my incisor teeth and perhaps a grudging respect for the weaker sex. I love toe cleavage. For the most part I distrust dogs. I slept in a horse once. It was quite roomy. On second thought, it was the Ritz. I named my left testicle 'piss' and my right testicle 'vinegar'. I wrote "It's Raining Men", or so the Christmas babies told me. Oh yes, I also made a Marzipan voodoo effigy of The Fonze while I was in coma after smoking some Peruvian prayer hash, but who at the end of the day can honestly say they haven't done that? The Springer audience is stunned, slack-jawed and for once quiet. KLANSMAN What are you, some kind of freak? SCOTT Shut up, jagoff! Studio audience whoops at this. KLANSMAN I'll kick your ass punk! Crowd goes crazy. DR. EVIL No one talks to my boy that way! Dr. Evil charges at Klansman and starts to bitch slap him. Security men, with headsets on, rush in to separate them. DR. EVIL I'm OK, I'm OK. There is a BEAT, then Dr. Evil CHARGES the guy again, knocking him down. DR. EVIL Come Scott, let's go to daddy's new evil lair. EXT. WORLD HEADQUARTERS BUILDING - DAY We pan up a modern office building. The camera reaches the top of the building and we see a giant STARBUCKS LOGO and the words: Starbucks World Headquarters. INT. STARBUCKS BOARD ROOM The penthouse boardroom is adorned with Starbucks paraphernalia: large logo, clear canisters full of beans, and a large world map with a little logo everywhere there is a Starbucks. Around a large table are Dr. Evil, Number Two (bandaged and lightly spotted with soot), Frau, Scott and a couple of NEW HENCHMEN. A Starbucks employee serves everyone steaming hot coffee products. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, as the legitimate frontman of your organization, I seized upon the opportunity to invest in a small Seattle-based coffee company several years ago. Today, Starbucks is a far- flung empire with 2000 outlets worldwide. DR. EVIL Oh good, Number Two, I do enjoy a good cuppa joe. NUMBER TWO If I may continue, I believe if we shift our resources away from world domination and focus on providing premium quality coffee drinks, we can increase our gross profits fivefold. Dr. Evil takes a sip of cappuccino, leaving a WHITE FROTHY MILK MUSTACHE on his upper lip. DR. EVIL Right. Perhaps you've confused me with someone who gives a shit. Might I remind you that I run the show here? I demand a little respect. NUMBER TWO (indicating Dr. Evil's milk mustache) Dr. Evil, I think you-- DR. EVIL Silence! I will not tolerate your insolence! Remember what happened last time. FLASHBACK (FOOTAGE FROM FIRST MOVIE) Number Two disappears backwards into the fiery pit. INT. STARBUCKS WORLD HEADQUARTERS Number Two smiles weakly, breaking into a sweat on his brow. NUMBER TWO May I add, I appreciate you reinstating me after our little... misunderstanding. DR. EVIL Frau Farbissina. Wie gehts is einen? We see Frau. She looks a little more 'masculine' than before. FRAU Zehr gut, Herr Doctor. DR. EVIL How are things? FRAU I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak it's name. To my right is my lover. We see a severe-looking German woman with one continuous eyebrow. FRAU Her name is Unibrau. I met her on the LPGA Tour. DR. EVIL Right on. Welcome, Unibrau. Dr. Evil takes another sip of cappuccino, making the frothy milk mustache even larger. FRAU Doctor, you have a 'milk mustache.' DR. EVIL (wiping it off, embarrassed) Oh, I know. I know. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I'd like to introduce the Greek assassin, Oedipus. We see a swarthy Greek army guy. DR. EVIL Welcome to my private army, Oedipus. Excited? OEDIPUS I could give a shit. DR. EVIL Kiss your mother with that mouth? OEDIPUS Yes. DR. EVIL Of course you do. Dr Evil begins to press a button labelled "Oedipus" on his control panel, but Number Two interrupts. NUMBER TWO (clearing throat) Dr. Evil, as you know, the rate at which you liquidate henchmen far exceeds our ability to replace them. DR. EVIL I have so few pleasures left to me, Number Two. The key to life is to rotate your vices. One day it's executions, another day it's creamy French cheese. It's like frickin' heroin. NUMBER TWO Well, Dr. Evil, perhaps I have the answer. While you were frozen, we began a program to clone you. DR. EVIL Cool. NUMBER TWO We had a few glitches, but I think you'll be pleased with the results. FRAU (shouting) Send in the clone! MUSIC: dramatic sting We see the shadow of an approaching figure. The shadow looks like Dr. Evil, only much larger and scarier. NUMBER TWO He is identical to you in every way, except he is one-eighth your size. We see that the source of the shadow is a MINIATURE DR. EVIL, just like the creepy mini-Marlon Brando in The Island of Dr. Moreau. He mimics Dr. Evil's mannerisms including holding his tiny pinky to his tiny mouth. DR. EVIL Breathtaking. I shall call him Mini- Me. (to clone) Mini-Me, you will sit to my right. Mini-Me sits down in a miniature version of Dr. Evil's command chair. DR. EVIL Come Mr. Bigglesworth! The bald Mr. Bigglesworth runs and jumps into Dr. Evil's lap. A bald MR. BIGGLESWORTH KITTEN jumps into Mini-Me's lap. DR. EVIL Mini-me, something to eat? (expectant pause) No? (pause) OK. (to room) Tired. Gentleman, I have a plan. As you know, the most powerful man in the world is the President of the United States. But he is just that- a man, subject to temptations of the flesh like any other man. Here's what we do: we make it seem that the President has had "extra-marital oral relations" with- and this is the kicker- DRAMATIC STING, SNAP ZOOM TO DR. EVIL. DR. EVIL With a White House intern! Dr. Evil gloats. So does Mini-Me. NUMBER TWO (clearing his throat) Uh-hem. DR. EVIL What, that already happened? Number Two nods. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous. Oh well, how about a frickin' time machine? Does the president have a time machine? Have I been scooped on that? NUMBER TWO No, not that I'm aware of. DR. EVIL Alright, time machine it is. As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen? SCOTT Because you never kill him when you get the chance and you're a dope? Mini-Me hops upon the table and tries to push the "Scott Evil" button on Dr. Evil's control panel. Frau SQUIRTS him with a water bottle. Mini-Me glares at Scott and GIVES HIM THE FINGER. DR. EVIL No, because Austin Powers has "mojo". NUMBER TWO Mojo? FRAU Yes, mojo. The mojo is the life force, the essence, the libido, the "right stuff". DR. EVIL It's what the French call a certain 'I don't know what.' SCOTT If you've got a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill Austin Powers when he's a baby or something? DR. EVIL No, no, no. NUMBER TWO (interrupting) Dr. Evil, wouldn't it be easier to use your knowledge of the future to play the stock market? We could literally make trillions. DR. EVIL (smug laugh to himself) Why make trillions when we could make... (pause) Billions? NUMBER TWO Excuse me? DR. EVIL Why think small is all I'm saying. SCOTT A trillion is more than a billion, numb-nuts. DR. EVIL Zip it. Unveil the time portal! A wall panel opens to reveal a Stargate-like wall of shimmering energy. DR. EVIL Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the time portal. As you know, Austin Powers was frozen in 1967. Therefore, I time travel to 1969, two years after he was frozen. Security will be lax and I'll strike when he is totally helpless. First, I take Austin Powers' mojo. Then I begin my domination of the world. SCOTT Can I come? DR. EVIL No, Scott, Daddy has a score to settle. Austin Powers is the snake to my mongoose, or the mongoose to my snake. Either way it's bad, I don't know animals. But I do know this: This time it's personal. Frau, Number 2, I'll see you both in 1969. Come, Mini-Me. Dr. Evil walks to the portal. Mini-Me follows, imitating him perfectly. They enter the portal. There is a FREEZE FRAME effect and they FADE AWAY, like in Star Trek. INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - Dr. Evil and Mini-Me emerge on the other side of the portal into a NEW LAIR. It is a large hollowed-out volcano room dominated by chrome conduits and tasteful art pieces. A younger Frau sits with NUMBER TWO, now played by ROB LOWE in an eye-patch. DR. EVIL Ah, here we are Mini-Me, 1969. Number Two, you look very youthful and healthy. (turning to Frau) And Frau you look...right. As Dr. Evil walks to the center of the room, chairs rise from the floor. Everyone takes a seat, but Dr. Evil gets caught in the middle as chairs rise around him. He is frightened. One of the rising chairs hits him in the crotch. DR. EVIL OK, people, we now officially have a chair problem. If another one of these chairs hits me in the nuts, I'm gonna go postal. Mini-Me, I want you to meet Number Two. NUMBER TWO Hello there. Mini-me says nothing. DR. EVIL Mini-Me? Mini-me still says nothing. DR. EVIL Shy. Low blood sugar. (to room) Gentlemen, Phase Two is beginning. I have an operative inside the Ministry of Defense. By this time tomorrow, Austin Powers' mojo will be mine. Dr. Evil goes over and looks out the large window. DR. EVIL (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! EXT. DR. EVIL'S TROPICAL ISLAND - We cut outside to see that window is in fact the left eye of a Mt. Rushmore-type depiction of Dr. Evil carved into the side of a volcano on a tropical island. DR. EVIL (V.O.) (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! INT. MOD - CRYOGENIC FREEZING ROOM - We see Austin's FROZEN BODY in cryogenic storage. Above it, we see two digital clocks. One reads: CURRENT DATE: MAY 25, 1969, the other reads: DATE FROZEN: NOVEMBER 11, 1967. One of the SCOTS GUARDS, is an IMMENSELY FAT SCOTTISH SOLDIER (played by Mike Myers). BRITISH COLONEL We've had reports that there's a spy in the Ministry of Defense. The contents of this room are vital to the country. Be on special alert. FAT SOLDIER (thick Scottish accent) Those bastards will have to kill me before I let anything happen to this wee naked hairy popsicle, sir! BRITISH COLONEL Very good. And try and lose some weight for God's sake! They exchange salutes and the Colonel exits. FAT SOLDIER Yessir! (sotto after the Colonel) I outta smash your teeth out with a Toffee Hammer Mr. English Colonel Telling-Me-What-To-Do-And-Stealing- our-Oil-Refusing-To-Recognize- our- Scottish-Independence! The Fat Soldier begins to play the BAGPIPES, a white vapor comes out of them, filling the room. The other soldiers COLLAPSE, unconscious. He bores through the ice and pulls out a Sixties high-tech syringe type device with an LED graph on the side. He places it in Austin's navel. The LED meter goes from red to green, indicating FULL MOJO. EXT./INT. AUSTIN'S SHAGUAR - DRIVING - DAY Austin drives in MODERN TRAFFIC. He is drinking a STARBUCKS COFFEE and listening to the Jag's in-dash CD PLAYER. Suddenly Austin DROOPS. The car starts to sputter. The fuel gauge reads empty. AUSTIN Gor blimey, I'm on empty! That's funny, I just filled the Shaguar up this morning. Austin hits a button on the dashboard. BASIL EXPOSITION appears on the picture phone in the dash. BASIL EXPOSITION (on picture phone) Hello, I'm Basil Exposition, head of British Intelligence. AUSTIN You always are, Basil. Listen, the weirdest thing just happened, I've run out of petrol. BASIL EXPOSITION We'll send a man around immediately. How was your honeymoon? AUSTIN Vanessa tried to kill me, Basil. She was a Fembot! BASIL EXPOSITION Ah women, who can understand them? Moving on, let's discuss your new case. AUSTIN New case? Very shagadelic, Basil! BASIL EXPOSITION You'll be doing a photo shoot. We know that one of the models is an ex- KGB agent selling top secret material to the highest bidder. AUSTIN That sounds easy enough, you know what they say: all work and no shagging makes Austin a dull boy, man! INT. SKI LODGE Austin sets up his photo equipment. The room is decorated in classic Heffner- bear skin rugs, leather chairs, roaring fire. AUSTIN (looking around) Tres chic, baby. REG, the photo assistant, enters. REG Austin, the models are ready. AUSTIN Ta, Reg. Bless your cotton socks. Hey, Reg, do you have any hobbies? REG What? AUSTIN Hobbies, man! I for one enjoy making models! The models make their entrance. They are REAL SUPERMODELS, say CINDY CRAWFORD, REBECCA ROMAJIN and also one MODEL we don't know. SUPERMODELS (circling Austin) It's him! Oh my God! It's Austin Powers! Austin shoots a look to Reg like 'still got it, baby.' AUSTIN One at a time, girls. One. At. A. Time! CINDY Hi, I'm Cindy. I don't believe I've had the pleasure. AUSTIN Of course you haven't had "The Pleasure", we just met, baby, yeah! REBECCA How do you do, Austin? I'm Rebecca. (indicating the photo gear) Your equipment is quite impressive. AUSTIN Thank you. Your breasts are amazing. Austin comes to the unknown model. She is tall and angular. AUSTIN And what's your name, baby? MODEL (thick Russian accent) Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN Excuse me? IVANA Ivana. Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN And I vanna toilet made of solid gold but it's just not in the cards, now is it? Austin looks over the girls, trying to decide who is the spy. AUSTIN (V.O.) (inner monologue) Now, which one is the Russian spy? Cindy Crawford, Rebecca Romajin... or Ivana Humpalot? Think, man, think! Austin begins snapping pictures. The sequence is shot like a photo shoot, with freeze frames, etc. AUSTIN Alright, baby! Love it. Turn and pout for me baby! Smashing! Cindy gets on all fours. AUSTIN Great, darling. Give me some shoulder. Yes, yes, yes. (angry) No! No! FULL FRAME, cover of Vogue. Cindy with her head framed out. AUSTIN (to Rebecca) Show me love. Smashing! You're an animal. You're a tiger. Be a tiger, baby! You're great! You're Grrrrrr- eat! You're Tony, be corn flakes, baby, be frosted. Now be a lemur, baby! You're a ring-tailed lemur. Rebecca looks confused. REBECCA A lemur? AUSTIN A small mammal native to the African savannah. C'mon baby, you know. Like this! (imitating lemur) OK, predator coming! Now, burrow, burrow! You're a lemur. It's all you've got. (beat) I take it back. Be a tiger again. Smashing! FULL FRAME, Rebecca on the cover of National--Geographic. AUSTIN And... done! I'm spent! Austin throws his camera to Reg, who catches it. REG Hel-lo, you forgot about Ivana. AUSTIN I didn't forget, baby. Miss Humpalot and I are going to have a 'private session'. Reg shows the girls out as they PROTEST. Austin and Ivana are left alone. Austin CLAPS TWICE and the lights dim. He CLAPS again and the fire goes up. MUSIC: I'm Never Going To Fall in Love Again by BURT BACHARACH IVANA When did you get "The Clapper"? AUSTIN November, 1964, Dutch East Indies, shore leave. IVANA Are you cold, Mr. Powers? AUSTIN I once had a bad experience with frostbite. I had to dip my tadger into a brandy snifter. Ivana moves over to a chessboard set up nearby. IVANA Do you know how we keep warm in Russia? AUSTIN I can guess, baby. IVANA We play chess. AUSTIN I guessed wrong. IVANA It takes a keen intelligence to play chess. Of course, you know what they say about men with big brains, don't you? AUSTIN They wear large hats? IVANA No, they make better lovers. AUSTIN Wrong again. Ivana starts playing with the chess pieces sexily (like in The Thomas Crowne Affair). IVANA I assume you know how to play. She runs the bishop across her lips sexily. AUSTIN Of course. The... horsey... moves in an L shape. Austin tries to match her sexy moves and CHOKES on a piece. AUSTIN Let's stop playing games with each other... especially difficult ones. May I ask you a question, Miss Humpalot? IVANA Of course. AUSTIN Do I make you horny? Do I? Austin rolls around on the polar bear rug. IVANA I'll tell you anything you want to know, just make love to me. She pulls his shirt off, revealing his prodigious chest hair. IVANA You are hairy, like an animal! AUSTIN (growling and barking) Grrrr, baby. Austin takes the head of the bear skin rug. AUSTIN Grrrr. Ruf! Ruf! (covers the bear's eyes) Wait a tick, I don't want him watching me while I'm on the job! IVANA Make love to me, monkey man. AUSTIN Groovy, baby! We pan around the room, seeing all the stuffed and mounted wildlife who seem to be watching. Suddenly the camera stops. So does the music. IVANA (O.S.) What's the matter? CUT TO: MONTAGE - VARIOUS STOCK FOOTAGE A tall flower wilts and beds over. A souffle falls. A flag is lowered to half mast. A giant redwood falls in a forest. A hot air balloon deflates and falls. An actual scientific diagram of a penis in the refractory period. INT. LODGE AUSTIN (to camera) Crikey, I've lost my mojo. EXT. LONDON STREETS (STOCK FOOTAGE) An ambulance races through the streets, SIREN BLARING. EXT. MINISTRY OF DEFENSE SUPER: "MINISTRY OF DEFENSE" INT. MOD - HALLWAY Basil hurries through, pushing past TECHNICIANS and WORKERS. BASIL EXPOSITION Where is he? In here? INT. MOD - LAB Basil enters. Cross between a hospital room and a lab. Austin lies in bed hooked up to lots of monitoring equipment. BASIL EXPOSITION Austin, I came as soon as I heard. AUSTIN There must be some kind of mistake, Basil. Maybe I was drunk and I didn't know it. Austin holds his neck very stiffly. BASIL EXPOSITION What's wrong with your neck, Austin? AUSTIN (turning stiffly to face Basil) I took a Viagra and it got caught in my throat. I've had a stiff neck for hours. Basil, is it true? Have I lost my mojo? BASIL EXPOSITION We're going to run a few tests, Austin. Don't worry, old friend, we'll get to the bottom of this. INT. MRI MACHINE Austin is being loaded into one of those big scary MRI machines: the MOJONATOR 9000. The mojo meter reads VERY LOW. INT. MOD LAB MONTAGE (TIME-LAPSE): Technicians in white suits and masks transform the room into a love lair: A pair of Latex-gloved hands carefully puts a BURT BACHARACH record on a turntable. Examination lights are replaced with LAVA LAMPS. A tray is brought in with a videotape marked "SWEDISH EDUCATIONAL FILM." Finally, the transformation is complete. Austin lies in bed reading a vintage PLAYBOY. A CANDY STRIPE NURSE enters, very pretty, in a tight outfit. NURSE Excuse me, Mr. Powers, I need to give you a sponge bath before we begin the test. AUSTIN (not paying attention to her) Alright, miss, just let me finish this article on the Suez crisis. An ALARM goes off. Bright LIGHTS come on. Basil enters. AUSTIN What's going on? BASIL EXPOSITION Alright, everyone, we're done. AUSTIN But the test hasn't even started!

gun

How many times the word 'gun' appears in the text?

Austin Powers - The Spy Who Shagged Me Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME By Mike Myers MUSIC: timpani roll and dramatic sting NARRATOR In his last adventure, Austin Powers, a swinging spy from the Sixties, was unfrozen in the Nineties to battle his archenemy Dr. Evil. Austin foiled Dr. Evil's plan to send a nuclear warhead to the center of the earth and banished him into space forever. Or so he thought. EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT (ESTABLISHING SHOT FROM FIRST MOVIE) SUPER: THE FRENCH RIVIERA INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY Elegant double doors with a brass plaque reading "Honeymoon Suite." A "Do Not-Disturb" sign hangs from the handle. INT. HOTEL SUITE FROM THE FIRST MOVIE: Austin and Vanessa snuggle in bed. She plays with his chest hair. VANESSA I love you, Mr. Powers. AUSTIN And I love you, Mrs. Powers. SHOT TO MATCH EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin gets out of bed. We see Vanessa putting on her robe from behind, and then EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa kiss. VANESSA Let's go out on the terrace. It's a beautiful night, we can look at the stars. EXT. HOTEL BALCONY EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa gaze at the stars. AUSTIN Look how beautiful the night sky is. VANESSA Isn't that the big dipper? AUSTIN Yeah, and that looks just like Uranus. VANESSA Austin! AUSTIN (sheepish) Well, you know. VANESSA Hey, I've never seen that big star before. AUSTIN Yeah, what is that? Austin pulls out his telescope and takes a look. AUSTIN'S POV - TELESCOPE EFFECT EXT. SPACE EXISTING SHOT: The Bob's Big Boy rocket. INT. DR. EVIL'S CAPSULE DR. EVIL This isn't over yet, Mr. Powers. I have one more trick up my sleeve, don't I Mr. Bigglesworth? The frozen Mr. Bigglesworth MEOWS. EXT. SPACE The Bob's Big Boy rocket. Suddenly, a hatch opens in Bob's rear end and Dr. Evil's silver egg capsule poops out. SFX: PLOOP! Capsule begins fiery re-entry to Earth INT. HOTEL ROOM Austin comes in and shuts the balcony door. AUSTIN Oh well, I guess it was nothing. A VANESSA DOUBLE crosses carrying a bouquet of flowers, which obscure her face. AUSTIN Care for some champagne? (pouring) Here's to monotony-- I mean, monogamy! Vanessa sits at the vanity with her back turned. AUSTIN Hello? Vanessa? What are you doing, luv? VANESSA (back turned) Just putting on my-- As Vanessa turns around she puts her hands up and PULLS OFF HER FACE revealing wires, transistors, and a speaker where her mouth should be. FEMBOT VANESSA (computer voice) MAKE-UP! AUSTIN (frightened) Vanessa, you're a Fembot! They fight. Midway through the fight, machine guns pop out of Vanessa's breasts. AUSTIN Machine gun jubblies, how did I miss those? VANESSA (robot voice) PERHAPS NEXT TIME YOU SHOULD TRY FOREPLAY. Her machine gun breasts FIRE, spraying the room in SLO-MO. Then they run out of ammo and CLICK, CLICK. Austin empties his gun into the robot, but to no avail. She rushes at him, he gives her a judo chop, also to no avail. Then Austin' notices a SELF-DESTRUCT switch and hits it. She starts to twitch, her head spins, and she EXPLODES. Fembot parts fly around the room. Austin sits on the bed, saddened. He holds Vanessa's hand, which has wires hanging out of it. On one of the fingers is her wedding ring. MUSIC: VERY SAD PIANO AUSTIN (very sad) I can't believe Vanessa, my bride, my one true love, the woman who taught me the beauty of sharing your whole life with another, the person who taught me the meaning of love, was a Fembot. How will I ever go on? (beat) Wait a tic! That means I'm single! Oh, behave! INT. LOBBY - HOTEL Rich European guests mill about the luxurious lobby. Suddenly, Austin dances through naked. Just as we are about to see his bits and pieces, a man lifts up his suitcase. AUSTIN Yeah, baby, I'm free! I'm naked and free! SEQUENCE CREDIT MUSIC: Soul Bassanova by QUINCY JONES PAN UP Austin's NAKED body as he walks down a boardwalk. Just as the camera reaches that most sensitive of areas, a credit appears STARRING MIKE MYERS. Austin gives a big 'who me?' and we FREEZE FRAME. EXT. BOARDWALK - FRENCH RIVERA European types stare and point. We see Austin from behind. His bottom half is blocked by a bicycle. The bicycle moves away. Just as Austin's bum is about to be revealed- A CREDIT APPEARS blocking it. Austin turns his head around to the camera and puts his hand to his mouth in an 'oh my!' take and we FREEZE FRAME. A MAN IN A RAINCOAT flashes Austin, his thingy blocked by a credit. Austin just laughs...crazy, man! Austin goes around a corner. A moment later he returns, followed by a NUDE MARCHING BAND. A SIGN on the left side of the screen reads "Warning! Nude Beach". Austin enters from the left. We see his naked, hairy torso from the waist up. Just as he is about to appear from behind the sign, a... CREDIT APPEARS MOVING LEFT TO RIGHT Blocking his penis lengthwise as he walks. NUDE BEACH - CREDIT SEQUENCE A girl sits on a blanket; a HORIZONTAL CREDIT blocks her bare chest. Austin lays on his back beside her, trying to be suave; A VERTICAL CREDIT appears. The wind blows away a kite, revealing a stark-naked girl. The credit "PRODUCTION DESIGN" blocks her chest; the credit "BY" blocks her you-know-what. Austin walks into frame; the "PRODUCTION DESIGNER'S NAME" disguises his growing interest. Austin joins a nude volleyball game in progress. CREDITS appear everywhere to block all possible combinations of nudity. People leap in all directions to make saves, causing CREDITS TO APPEAR at crazy angles. A pretty girl watches Austin lift weights. Her boobs are blocked by the "WRITTEN BY" credit. Austin lifts a dumbbell. The credit "MIKE MYERS" sticks out from his waist. Austin looks proud. A BUFF NAKED BODYBUILDER joins them. He lifts a much heavier weight. A much longer credit sticks out from his waist: "AND MICHAEL MCCULLERS". Austin pouts. Austin runs down the beach, his bum blocked by the credit "DIRECTED BY". He jumps on a trampoline and does the splits in mid-air: FREEZE FRAME AND PAN AROUND LIKE IN THE GAP "KHAKI SWING" AD. Austin smiles crazily, his penis blocked by "JAY ROACH." Austin does a super-duper double flip into his JAGUAR. AUSTIN Shaguar, baby, yeah! CU on the chrome script on the grill: it reads "Shaguar" where it would normally read "Jaguar". The car speeds off. FULL SCREEN TV JERRY SPRINGER SHOW On the stage we see a Klansman father and his Klansman son, a Nazi father and his Nazi son, and SCOTT EVIL all seated on a panel. Lower Third Chyron: "MY FATHER IS EVIL AND WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" JERRY SPRINGER If you just joined us, today's topic is "my father is evil and wants to take over the world". Now, Bobby, you had something you wanted to share with your father before the break. BOBBY Dad, I know you're against race mixing and all that, but I met someone... KLANSMAN Don't say it! The crowd WHOOPS. BOBBY I met someone... and he's black. The crowd goes crazy. KLANSMAN He? The Klansman holds his hooded head in his hands. JERRY SPRINGER Please welcome Tim. A handsome Blair Underwood look-alike enters and hugs the Klansman's son. The crowd screams. JERRY MOVES TO SCOTT EVIL. JERRY SPRINGER Now Scott, tell us about your father. Share with us. SCOTT Well he's the head of an evil organization that has aspirations for world domination. JERRY SPRINGER And where is your father right now? SCOTT He's in outer space, like frozen in a giant egg and stuffed inside a Big Boy rocket with his cat, Mr. Bigglesworth. JERRY SPRINGER Really? Well, we have a surprise for you, Scott. Let's bring out SCOTT'S father, Dr Evil. Dr Evil enters. Lower Third Chyron: "WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" DR. EVIL Hello Scott, I'm back. SCOTT I can't believe you'd do this to me on national television! DR. EVIL They offered me a free makeover. JERRY SPRINGER Dr. Evil, we've seen a lot of the fathers here today open up to their sons, sons to the fathers. Is there anything you'd like to share? DR. EVIL Share? JERRY SPRINGER Yes, don't you have any secrets? DR. EVIL OK. I have a vestigial tail. Everyone is a little grossed out. DR. EVIL It's more of a nub, really. The spine just goes on a little longer than it should. Also, I've dabbled. I mean, perform fellatio once and you're a poet, twice and you're a homosexual. I remember once I was being fisted by Sebastian Cabot- but here's where the story gets interesting. He was lactose-intolerant. He could eat red meat all night long, but one sip of milk and it was gastric hell. And I remember we were caught in fragrance delicto by Henry Kissinger, and you can imagine my humiliation at having Hank hear me say, "Mr. French, no teeth." One of my greatest disappointments is that I never became a song and dance man. I could have been a quadruple threat, kind of like a despotic Ken Barry. Dancer, singer, actor, and I would possess nuclear weapons, the latter being the most threatening of the four. I once sat on a bus and tried to will myself a menstrual cycle. All I ended up with was a sense of failure and a mild neuralgia in my incisor teeth and perhaps a grudging respect for the weaker sex. I love toe cleavage. For the most part I distrust dogs. I slept in a horse once. It was quite roomy. On second thought, it was the Ritz. I named my left testicle 'piss' and my right testicle 'vinegar'. I wrote "It's Raining Men", or so the Christmas babies told me. Oh yes, I also made a Marzipan voodoo effigy of The Fonze while I was in coma after smoking some Peruvian prayer hash, but who at the end of the day can honestly say they haven't done that? The Springer audience is stunned, slack-jawed and for once quiet. KLANSMAN What are you, some kind of freak? SCOTT Shut up, jagoff! Studio audience whoops at this. KLANSMAN I'll kick your ass punk! Crowd goes crazy. DR. EVIL No one talks to my boy that way! Dr. Evil charges at Klansman and starts to bitch slap him. Security men, with headsets on, rush in to separate them. DR. EVIL I'm OK, I'm OK. There is a BEAT, then Dr. Evil CHARGES the guy again, knocking him down. DR. EVIL Come Scott, let's go to daddy's new evil lair. EXT. WORLD HEADQUARTERS BUILDING - DAY We pan up a modern office building. The camera reaches the top of the building and we see a giant STARBUCKS LOGO and the words: Starbucks World Headquarters. INT. STARBUCKS BOARD ROOM The penthouse boardroom is adorned with Starbucks paraphernalia: large logo, clear canisters full of beans, and a large world map with a little logo everywhere there is a Starbucks. Around a large table are Dr. Evil, Number Two (bandaged and lightly spotted with soot), Frau, Scott and a couple of NEW HENCHMEN. A Starbucks employee serves everyone steaming hot coffee products. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, as the legitimate frontman of your organization, I seized upon the opportunity to invest in a small Seattle-based coffee company several years ago. Today, Starbucks is a far- flung empire with 2000 outlets worldwide. DR. EVIL Oh good, Number Two, I do enjoy a good cuppa joe. NUMBER TWO If I may continue, I believe if we shift our resources away from world domination and focus on providing premium quality coffee drinks, we can increase our gross profits fivefold. Dr. Evil takes a sip of cappuccino, leaving a WHITE FROTHY MILK MUSTACHE on his upper lip. DR. EVIL Right. Perhaps you've confused me with someone who gives a shit. Might I remind you that I run the show here? I demand a little respect. NUMBER TWO (indicating Dr. Evil's milk mustache) Dr. Evil, I think you-- DR. EVIL Silence! I will not tolerate your insolence! Remember what happened last time. FLASHBACK (FOOTAGE FROM FIRST MOVIE) Number Two disappears backwards into the fiery pit. INT. STARBUCKS WORLD HEADQUARTERS Number Two smiles weakly, breaking into a sweat on his brow. NUMBER TWO May I add, I appreciate you reinstating me after our little... misunderstanding. DR. EVIL Frau Farbissina. Wie gehts is einen? We see Frau. She looks a little more 'masculine' than before. FRAU Zehr gut, Herr Doctor. DR. EVIL How are things? FRAU I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak it's name. To my right is my lover. We see a severe-looking German woman with one continuous eyebrow. FRAU Her name is Unibrau. I met her on the LPGA Tour. DR. EVIL Right on. Welcome, Unibrau. Dr. Evil takes another sip of cappuccino, making the frothy milk mustache even larger. FRAU Doctor, you have a 'milk mustache.' DR. EVIL (wiping it off, embarrassed) Oh, I know. I know. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I'd like to introduce the Greek assassin, Oedipus. We see a swarthy Greek army guy. DR. EVIL Welcome to my private army, Oedipus. Excited? OEDIPUS I could give a shit. DR. EVIL Kiss your mother with that mouth? OEDIPUS Yes. DR. EVIL Of course you do. Dr Evil begins to press a button labelled "Oedipus" on his control panel, but Number Two interrupts. NUMBER TWO (clearing throat) Dr. Evil, as you know, the rate at which you liquidate henchmen far exceeds our ability to replace them. DR. EVIL I have so few pleasures left to me, Number Two. The key to life is to rotate your vices. One day it's executions, another day it's creamy French cheese. It's like frickin' heroin. NUMBER TWO Well, Dr. Evil, perhaps I have the answer. While you were frozen, we began a program to clone you. DR. EVIL Cool. NUMBER TWO We had a few glitches, but I think you'll be pleased with the results. FRAU (shouting) Send in the clone! MUSIC: dramatic sting We see the shadow of an approaching figure. The shadow looks like Dr. Evil, only much larger and scarier. NUMBER TWO He is identical to you in every way, except he is one-eighth your size. We see that the source of the shadow is a MINIATURE DR. EVIL, just like the creepy mini-Marlon Brando in The Island of Dr. Moreau. He mimics Dr. Evil's mannerisms including holding his tiny pinky to his tiny mouth. DR. EVIL Breathtaking. I shall call him Mini- Me. (to clone) Mini-Me, you will sit to my right. Mini-Me sits down in a miniature version of Dr. Evil's command chair. DR. EVIL Come Mr. Bigglesworth! The bald Mr. Bigglesworth runs and jumps into Dr. Evil's lap. A bald MR. BIGGLESWORTH KITTEN jumps into Mini-Me's lap. DR. EVIL Mini-me, something to eat? (expectant pause) No? (pause) OK. (to room) Tired. Gentleman, I have a plan. As you know, the most powerful man in the world is the President of the United States. But he is just that- a man, subject to temptations of the flesh like any other man. Here's what we do: we make it seem that the President has had "extra-marital oral relations" with- and this is the kicker- DRAMATIC STING, SNAP ZOOM TO DR. EVIL. DR. EVIL With a White House intern! Dr. Evil gloats. So does Mini-Me. NUMBER TWO (clearing his throat) Uh-hem. DR. EVIL What, that already happened? Number Two nods. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous. Oh well, how about a frickin' time machine? Does the president have a time machine? Have I been scooped on that? NUMBER TWO No, not that I'm aware of. DR. EVIL Alright, time machine it is. As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen? SCOTT Because you never kill him when you get the chance and you're a dope? Mini-Me hops upon the table and tries to push the "Scott Evil" button on Dr. Evil's control panel. Frau SQUIRTS him with a water bottle. Mini-Me glares at Scott and GIVES HIM THE FINGER. DR. EVIL No, because Austin Powers has "mojo". NUMBER TWO Mojo? FRAU Yes, mojo. The mojo is the life force, the essence, the libido, the "right stuff". DR. EVIL It's what the French call a certain 'I don't know what.' SCOTT If you've got a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill Austin Powers when he's a baby or something? DR. EVIL No, no, no. NUMBER TWO (interrupting) Dr. Evil, wouldn't it be easier to use your knowledge of the future to play the stock market? We could literally make trillions. DR. EVIL (smug laugh to himself) Why make trillions when we could make... (pause) Billions? NUMBER TWO Excuse me? DR. EVIL Why think small is all I'm saying. SCOTT A trillion is more than a billion, numb-nuts. DR. EVIL Zip it. Unveil the time portal! A wall panel opens to reveal a Stargate-like wall of shimmering energy. DR. EVIL Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the time portal. As you know, Austin Powers was frozen in 1967. Therefore, I time travel to 1969, two years after he was frozen. Security will be lax and I'll strike when he is totally helpless. First, I take Austin Powers' mojo. Then I begin my domination of the world. SCOTT Can I come? DR. EVIL No, Scott, Daddy has a score to settle. Austin Powers is the snake to my mongoose, or the mongoose to my snake. Either way it's bad, I don't know animals. But I do know this: This time it's personal. Frau, Number 2, I'll see you both in 1969. Come, Mini-Me. Dr. Evil walks to the portal. Mini-Me follows, imitating him perfectly. They enter the portal. There is a FREEZE FRAME effect and they FADE AWAY, like in Star Trek. INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - Dr. Evil and Mini-Me emerge on the other side of the portal into a NEW LAIR. It is a large hollowed-out volcano room dominated by chrome conduits and tasteful art pieces. A younger Frau sits with NUMBER TWO, now played by ROB LOWE in an eye-patch. DR. EVIL Ah, here we are Mini-Me, 1969. Number Two, you look very youthful and healthy. (turning to Frau) And Frau you look...right. As Dr. Evil walks to the center of the room, chairs rise from the floor. Everyone takes a seat, but Dr. Evil gets caught in the middle as chairs rise around him. He is frightened. One of the rising chairs hits him in the crotch. DR. EVIL OK, people, we now officially have a chair problem. If another one of these chairs hits me in the nuts, I'm gonna go postal. Mini-Me, I want you to meet Number Two. NUMBER TWO Hello there. Mini-me says nothing. DR. EVIL Mini-Me? Mini-me still says nothing. DR. EVIL Shy. Low blood sugar. (to room) Gentlemen, Phase Two is beginning. I have an operative inside the Ministry of Defense. By this time tomorrow, Austin Powers' mojo will be mine. Dr. Evil goes over and looks out the large window. DR. EVIL (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! EXT. DR. EVIL'S TROPICAL ISLAND - We cut outside to see that window is in fact the left eye of a Mt. Rushmore-type depiction of Dr. Evil carved into the side of a volcano on a tropical island. DR. EVIL (V.O.) (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! INT. MOD - CRYOGENIC FREEZING ROOM - We see Austin's FROZEN BODY in cryogenic storage. Above it, we see two digital clocks. One reads: CURRENT DATE: MAY 25, 1969, the other reads: DATE FROZEN: NOVEMBER 11, 1967. One of the SCOTS GUARDS, is an IMMENSELY FAT SCOTTISH SOLDIER (played by Mike Myers). BRITISH COLONEL We've had reports that there's a spy in the Ministry of Defense. The contents of this room are vital to the country. Be on special alert. FAT SOLDIER (thick Scottish accent) Those bastards will have to kill me before I let anything happen to this wee naked hairy popsicle, sir! BRITISH COLONEL Very good. And try and lose some weight for God's sake! They exchange salutes and the Colonel exits. FAT SOLDIER Yessir! (sotto after the Colonel) I outta smash your teeth out with a Toffee Hammer Mr. English Colonel Telling-Me-What-To-Do-And-Stealing- our-Oil-Refusing-To-Recognize- our- Scottish-Independence! The Fat Soldier begins to play the BAGPIPES, a white vapor comes out of them, filling the room. The other soldiers COLLAPSE, unconscious. He bores through the ice and pulls out a Sixties high-tech syringe type device with an LED graph on the side. He places it in Austin's navel. The LED meter goes from red to green, indicating FULL MOJO. EXT./INT. AUSTIN'S SHAGUAR - DRIVING - DAY Austin drives in MODERN TRAFFIC. He is drinking a STARBUCKS COFFEE and listening to the Jag's in-dash CD PLAYER. Suddenly Austin DROOPS. The car starts to sputter. The fuel gauge reads empty. AUSTIN Gor blimey, I'm on empty! That's funny, I just filled the Shaguar up this morning. Austin hits a button on the dashboard. BASIL EXPOSITION appears on the picture phone in the dash. BASIL EXPOSITION (on picture phone) Hello, I'm Basil Exposition, head of British Intelligence. AUSTIN You always are, Basil. Listen, the weirdest thing just happened, I've run out of petrol. BASIL EXPOSITION We'll send a man around immediately. How was your honeymoon? AUSTIN Vanessa tried to kill me, Basil. She was a Fembot! BASIL EXPOSITION Ah women, who can understand them? Moving on, let's discuss your new case. AUSTIN New case? Very shagadelic, Basil! BASIL EXPOSITION You'll be doing a photo shoot. We know that one of the models is an ex- KGB agent selling top secret material to the highest bidder. AUSTIN That sounds easy enough, you know what they say: all work and no shagging makes Austin a dull boy, man! INT. SKI LODGE Austin sets up his photo equipment. The room is decorated in classic Heffner- bear skin rugs, leather chairs, roaring fire. AUSTIN (looking around) Tres chic, baby. REG, the photo assistant, enters. REG Austin, the models are ready. AUSTIN Ta, Reg. Bless your cotton socks. Hey, Reg, do you have any hobbies? REG What? AUSTIN Hobbies, man! I for one enjoy making models! The models make their entrance. They are REAL SUPERMODELS, say CINDY CRAWFORD, REBECCA ROMAJIN and also one MODEL we don't know. SUPERMODELS (circling Austin) It's him! Oh my God! It's Austin Powers! Austin shoots a look to Reg like 'still got it, baby.' AUSTIN One at a time, girls. One. At. A. Time! CINDY Hi, I'm Cindy. I don't believe I've had the pleasure. AUSTIN Of course you haven't had "The Pleasure", we just met, baby, yeah! REBECCA How do you do, Austin? I'm Rebecca. (indicating the photo gear) Your equipment is quite impressive. AUSTIN Thank you. Your breasts are amazing. Austin comes to the unknown model. She is tall and angular. AUSTIN And what's your name, baby? MODEL (thick Russian accent) Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN Excuse me? IVANA Ivana. Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN And I vanna toilet made of solid gold but it's just not in the cards, now is it? Austin looks over the girls, trying to decide who is the spy. AUSTIN (V.O.) (inner monologue) Now, which one is the Russian spy? Cindy Crawford, Rebecca Romajin... or Ivana Humpalot? Think, man, think! Austin begins snapping pictures. The sequence is shot like a photo shoot, with freeze frames, etc. AUSTIN Alright, baby! Love it. Turn and pout for me baby! Smashing! Cindy gets on all fours. AUSTIN Great, darling. Give me some shoulder. Yes, yes, yes. (angry) No! No! FULL FRAME, cover of Vogue. Cindy with her head framed out. AUSTIN (to Rebecca) Show me love. Smashing! You're an animal. You're a tiger. Be a tiger, baby! You're great! You're Grrrrrr- eat! You're Tony, be corn flakes, baby, be frosted. Now be a lemur, baby! You're a ring-tailed lemur. Rebecca looks confused. REBECCA A lemur? AUSTIN A small mammal native to the African savannah. C'mon baby, you know. Like this! (imitating lemur) OK, predator coming! Now, burrow, burrow! You're a lemur. It's all you've got. (beat) I take it back. Be a tiger again. Smashing! FULL FRAME, Rebecca on the cover of National--Geographic. AUSTIN And... done! I'm spent! Austin throws his camera to Reg, who catches it. REG Hel-lo, you forgot about Ivana. AUSTIN I didn't forget, baby. Miss Humpalot and I are going to have a 'private session'. Reg shows the girls out as they PROTEST. Austin and Ivana are left alone. Austin CLAPS TWICE and the lights dim. He CLAPS again and the fire goes up. MUSIC: I'm Never Going To Fall in Love Again by BURT BACHARACH IVANA When did you get "The Clapper"? AUSTIN November, 1964, Dutch East Indies, shore leave. IVANA Are you cold, Mr. Powers? AUSTIN I once had a bad experience with frostbite. I had to dip my tadger into a brandy snifter. Ivana moves over to a chessboard set up nearby. IVANA Do you know how we keep warm in Russia? AUSTIN I can guess, baby. IVANA We play chess. AUSTIN I guessed wrong. IVANA It takes a keen intelligence to play chess. Of course, you know what they say about men with big brains, don't you? AUSTIN They wear large hats? IVANA No, they make better lovers. AUSTIN Wrong again. Ivana starts playing with the chess pieces sexily (like in The Thomas Crowne Affair). IVANA I assume you know how to play. She runs the bishop across her lips sexily. AUSTIN Of course. The... horsey... moves in an L shape. Austin tries to match her sexy moves and CHOKES on a piece. AUSTIN Let's stop playing games with each other... especially difficult ones. May I ask you a question, Miss Humpalot? IVANA Of course. AUSTIN Do I make you horny? Do I? Austin rolls around on the polar bear rug. IVANA I'll tell you anything you want to know, just make love to me. She pulls his shirt off, revealing his prodigious chest hair. IVANA You are hairy, like an animal! AUSTIN (growling and barking) Grrrr, baby. Austin takes the head of the bear skin rug. AUSTIN Grrrr. Ruf! Ruf! (covers the bear's eyes) Wait a tick, I don't want him watching me while I'm on the job! IVANA Make love to me, monkey man. AUSTIN Groovy, baby! We pan around the room, seeing all the stuffed and mounted wildlife who seem to be watching. Suddenly the camera stops. So does the music. IVANA (O.S.) What's the matter? CUT TO: MONTAGE - VARIOUS STOCK FOOTAGE A tall flower wilts and beds over. A souffle falls. A flag is lowered to half mast. A giant redwood falls in a forest. A hot air balloon deflates and falls. An actual scientific diagram of a penis in the refractory period. INT. LODGE AUSTIN (to camera) Crikey, I've lost my mojo. EXT. LONDON STREETS (STOCK FOOTAGE) An ambulance races through the streets, SIREN BLARING. EXT. MINISTRY OF DEFENSE SUPER: "MINISTRY OF DEFENSE" INT. MOD - HALLWAY Basil hurries through, pushing past TECHNICIANS and WORKERS. BASIL EXPOSITION Where is he? In here? INT. MOD - LAB Basil enters. Cross between a hospital room and a lab. Austin lies in bed hooked up to lots of monitoring equipment. BASIL EXPOSITION Austin, I came as soon as I heard. AUSTIN There must be some kind of mistake, Basil. Maybe I was drunk and I didn't know it. Austin holds his neck very stiffly. BASIL EXPOSITION What's wrong with your neck, Austin? AUSTIN (turning stiffly to face Basil) I took a Viagra and it got caught in my throat. I've had a stiff neck for hours. Basil, is it true? Have I lost my mojo? BASIL EXPOSITION We're going to run a few tests, Austin. Don't worry, old friend, we'll get to the bottom of this. INT. MRI MACHINE Austin is being loaded into one of those big scary MRI machines: the MOJONATOR 9000. The mojo meter reads VERY LOW. INT. MOD LAB MONTAGE (TIME-LAPSE): Technicians in white suits and masks transform the room into a love lair: A pair of Latex-gloved hands carefully puts a BURT BACHARACH record on a turntable. Examination lights are replaced with LAVA LAMPS. A tray is brought in with a videotape marked "SWEDISH EDUCATIONAL FILM." Finally, the transformation is complete. Austin lies in bed reading a vintage PLAYBOY. A CANDY STRIPE NURSE enters, very pretty, in a tight outfit. NURSE Excuse me, Mr. Powers, I need to give you a sponge bath before we begin the test. AUSTIN (not paying attention to her) Alright, miss, just let me finish this article on the Suez crisis. An ALARM goes off. Bright LIGHTS come on. Basil enters. AUSTIN What's going on? BASIL EXPOSITION Alright, everyone, we're done. AUSTIN But the test hasn't even started!

cuppa

How many times the word 'cuppa' appears in the text?

Austin Powers - The Spy Who Shagged Me Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME By Mike Myers MUSIC: timpani roll and dramatic sting NARRATOR In his last adventure, Austin Powers, a swinging spy from the Sixties, was unfrozen in the Nineties to battle his archenemy Dr. Evil. Austin foiled Dr. Evil's plan to send a nuclear warhead to the center of the earth and banished him into space forever. Or so he thought. EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT (ESTABLISHING SHOT FROM FIRST MOVIE) SUPER: THE FRENCH RIVIERA INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY Elegant double doors with a brass plaque reading "Honeymoon Suite." A "Do Not-Disturb" sign hangs from the handle. INT. HOTEL SUITE FROM THE FIRST MOVIE: Austin and Vanessa snuggle in bed. She plays with his chest hair. VANESSA I love you, Mr. Powers. AUSTIN And I love you, Mrs. Powers. SHOT TO MATCH EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin gets out of bed. We see Vanessa putting on her robe from behind, and then EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa kiss. VANESSA Let's go out on the terrace. It's a beautiful night, we can look at the stars. EXT. HOTEL BALCONY EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa gaze at the stars. AUSTIN Look how beautiful the night sky is. VANESSA Isn't that the big dipper? AUSTIN Yeah, and that looks just like Uranus. VANESSA Austin! AUSTIN (sheepish) Well, you know. VANESSA Hey, I've never seen that big star before. AUSTIN Yeah, what is that? Austin pulls out his telescope and takes a look. AUSTIN'S POV - TELESCOPE EFFECT EXT. SPACE EXISTING SHOT: The Bob's Big Boy rocket. INT. DR. EVIL'S CAPSULE DR. EVIL This isn't over yet, Mr. Powers. I have one more trick up my sleeve, don't I Mr. Bigglesworth? The frozen Mr. Bigglesworth MEOWS. EXT. SPACE The Bob's Big Boy rocket. Suddenly, a hatch opens in Bob's rear end and Dr. Evil's silver egg capsule poops out. SFX: PLOOP! Capsule begins fiery re-entry to Earth INT. HOTEL ROOM Austin comes in and shuts the balcony door. AUSTIN Oh well, I guess it was nothing. A VANESSA DOUBLE crosses carrying a bouquet of flowers, which obscure her face. AUSTIN Care for some champagne? (pouring) Here's to monotony-- I mean, monogamy! Vanessa sits at the vanity with her back turned. AUSTIN Hello? Vanessa? What are you doing, luv? VANESSA (back turned) Just putting on my-- As Vanessa turns around she puts her hands up and PULLS OFF HER FACE revealing wires, transistors, and a speaker where her mouth should be. FEMBOT VANESSA (computer voice) MAKE-UP! AUSTIN (frightened) Vanessa, you're a Fembot! They fight. Midway through the fight, machine guns pop out of Vanessa's breasts. AUSTIN Machine gun jubblies, how did I miss those? VANESSA (robot voice) PERHAPS NEXT TIME YOU SHOULD TRY FOREPLAY. Her machine gun breasts FIRE, spraying the room in SLO-MO. Then they run out of ammo and CLICK, CLICK. Austin empties his gun into the robot, but to no avail. She rushes at him, he gives her a judo chop, also to no avail. Then Austin' notices a SELF-DESTRUCT switch and hits it. She starts to twitch, her head spins, and she EXPLODES. Fembot parts fly around the room. Austin sits on the bed, saddened. He holds Vanessa's hand, which has wires hanging out of it. On one of the fingers is her wedding ring. MUSIC: VERY SAD PIANO AUSTIN (very sad) I can't believe Vanessa, my bride, my one true love, the woman who taught me the beauty of sharing your whole life with another, the person who taught me the meaning of love, was a Fembot. How will I ever go on? (beat) Wait a tic! That means I'm single! Oh, behave! INT. LOBBY - HOTEL Rich European guests mill about the luxurious lobby. Suddenly, Austin dances through naked. Just as we are about to see his bits and pieces, a man lifts up his suitcase. AUSTIN Yeah, baby, I'm free! I'm naked and free! SEQUENCE CREDIT MUSIC: Soul Bassanova by QUINCY JONES PAN UP Austin's NAKED body as he walks down a boardwalk. Just as the camera reaches that most sensitive of areas, a credit appears STARRING MIKE MYERS. Austin gives a big 'who me?' and we FREEZE FRAME. EXT. BOARDWALK - FRENCH RIVERA European types stare and point. We see Austin from behind. His bottom half is blocked by a bicycle. The bicycle moves away. Just as Austin's bum is about to be revealed- A CREDIT APPEARS blocking it. Austin turns his head around to the camera and puts his hand to his mouth in an 'oh my!' take and we FREEZE FRAME. A MAN IN A RAINCOAT flashes Austin, his thingy blocked by a credit. Austin just laughs...crazy, man! Austin goes around a corner. A moment later he returns, followed by a NUDE MARCHING BAND. A SIGN on the left side of the screen reads "Warning! Nude Beach". Austin enters from the left. We see his naked, hairy torso from the waist up. Just as he is about to appear from behind the sign, a... CREDIT APPEARS MOVING LEFT TO RIGHT Blocking his penis lengthwise as he walks. NUDE BEACH - CREDIT SEQUENCE A girl sits on a blanket; a HORIZONTAL CREDIT blocks her bare chest. Austin lays on his back beside her, trying to be suave; A VERTICAL CREDIT appears. The wind blows away a kite, revealing a stark-naked girl. The credit "PRODUCTION DESIGN" blocks her chest; the credit "BY" blocks her you-know-what. Austin walks into frame; the "PRODUCTION DESIGNER'S NAME" disguises his growing interest. Austin joins a nude volleyball game in progress. CREDITS appear everywhere to block all possible combinations of nudity. People leap in all directions to make saves, causing CREDITS TO APPEAR at crazy angles. A pretty girl watches Austin lift weights. Her boobs are blocked by the "WRITTEN BY" credit. Austin lifts a dumbbell. The credit "MIKE MYERS" sticks out from his waist. Austin looks proud. A BUFF NAKED BODYBUILDER joins them. He lifts a much heavier weight. A much longer credit sticks out from his waist: "AND MICHAEL MCCULLERS". Austin pouts. Austin runs down the beach, his bum blocked by the credit "DIRECTED BY". He jumps on a trampoline and does the splits in mid-air: FREEZE FRAME AND PAN AROUND LIKE IN THE GAP "KHAKI SWING" AD. Austin smiles crazily, his penis blocked by "JAY ROACH." Austin does a super-duper double flip into his JAGUAR. AUSTIN Shaguar, baby, yeah! CU on the chrome script on the grill: it reads "Shaguar" where it would normally read "Jaguar". The car speeds off. FULL SCREEN TV JERRY SPRINGER SHOW On the stage we see a Klansman father and his Klansman son, a Nazi father and his Nazi son, and SCOTT EVIL all seated on a panel. Lower Third Chyron: "MY FATHER IS EVIL AND WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" JERRY SPRINGER If you just joined us, today's topic is "my father is evil and wants to take over the world". Now, Bobby, you had something you wanted to share with your father before the break. BOBBY Dad, I know you're against race mixing and all that, but I met someone... KLANSMAN Don't say it! The crowd WHOOPS. BOBBY I met someone... and he's black. The crowd goes crazy. KLANSMAN He? The Klansman holds his hooded head in his hands. JERRY SPRINGER Please welcome Tim. A handsome Blair Underwood look-alike enters and hugs the Klansman's son. The crowd screams. JERRY MOVES TO SCOTT EVIL. JERRY SPRINGER Now Scott, tell us about your father. Share with us. SCOTT Well he's the head of an evil organization that has aspirations for world domination. JERRY SPRINGER And where is your father right now? SCOTT He's in outer space, like frozen in a giant egg and stuffed inside a Big Boy rocket with his cat, Mr. Bigglesworth. JERRY SPRINGER Really? Well, we have a surprise for you, Scott. Let's bring out SCOTT'S father, Dr Evil. Dr Evil enters. Lower Third Chyron: "WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" DR. EVIL Hello Scott, I'm back. SCOTT I can't believe you'd do this to me on national television! DR. EVIL They offered me a free makeover. JERRY SPRINGER Dr. Evil, we've seen a lot of the fathers here today open up to their sons, sons to the fathers. Is there anything you'd like to share? DR. EVIL Share? JERRY SPRINGER Yes, don't you have any secrets? DR. EVIL OK. I have a vestigial tail. Everyone is a little grossed out. DR. EVIL It's more of a nub, really. The spine just goes on a little longer than it should. Also, I've dabbled. I mean, perform fellatio once and you're a poet, twice and you're a homosexual. I remember once I was being fisted by Sebastian Cabot- but here's where the story gets interesting. He was lactose-intolerant. He could eat red meat all night long, but one sip of milk and it was gastric hell. And I remember we were caught in fragrance delicto by Henry Kissinger, and you can imagine my humiliation at having Hank hear me say, "Mr. French, no teeth." One of my greatest disappointments is that I never became a song and dance man. I could have been a quadruple threat, kind of like a despotic Ken Barry. Dancer, singer, actor, and I would possess nuclear weapons, the latter being the most threatening of the four. I once sat on a bus and tried to will myself a menstrual cycle. All I ended up with was a sense of failure and a mild neuralgia in my incisor teeth and perhaps a grudging respect for the weaker sex. I love toe cleavage. For the most part I distrust dogs. I slept in a horse once. It was quite roomy. On second thought, it was the Ritz. I named my left testicle 'piss' and my right testicle 'vinegar'. I wrote "It's Raining Men", or so the Christmas babies told me. Oh yes, I also made a Marzipan voodoo effigy of The Fonze while I was in coma after smoking some Peruvian prayer hash, but who at the end of the day can honestly say they haven't done that? The Springer audience is stunned, slack-jawed and for once quiet. KLANSMAN What are you, some kind of freak? SCOTT Shut up, jagoff! Studio audience whoops at this. KLANSMAN I'll kick your ass punk! Crowd goes crazy. DR. EVIL No one talks to my boy that way! Dr. Evil charges at Klansman and starts to bitch slap him. Security men, with headsets on, rush in to separate them. DR. EVIL I'm OK, I'm OK. There is a BEAT, then Dr. Evil CHARGES the guy again, knocking him down. DR. EVIL Come Scott, let's go to daddy's new evil lair. EXT. WORLD HEADQUARTERS BUILDING - DAY We pan up a modern office building. The camera reaches the top of the building and we see a giant STARBUCKS LOGO and the words: Starbucks World Headquarters. INT. STARBUCKS BOARD ROOM The penthouse boardroom is adorned with Starbucks paraphernalia: large logo, clear canisters full of beans, and a large world map with a little logo everywhere there is a Starbucks. Around a large table are Dr. Evil, Number Two (bandaged and lightly spotted with soot), Frau, Scott and a couple of NEW HENCHMEN. A Starbucks employee serves everyone steaming hot coffee products. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, as the legitimate frontman of your organization, I seized upon the opportunity to invest in a small Seattle-based coffee company several years ago. Today, Starbucks is a far- flung empire with 2000 outlets worldwide. DR. EVIL Oh good, Number Two, I do enjoy a good cuppa joe. NUMBER TWO If I may continue, I believe if we shift our resources away from world domination and focus on providing premium quality coffee drinks, we can increase our gross profits fivefold. Dr. Evil takes a sip of cappuccino, leaving a WHITE FROTHY MILK MUSTACHE on his upper lip. DR. EVIL Right. Perhaps you've confused me with someone who gives a shit. Might I remind you that I run the show here? I demand a little respect. NUMBER TWO (indicating Dr. Evil's milk mustache) Dr. Evil, I think you-- DR. EVIL Silence! I will not tolerate your insolence! Remember what happened last time. FLASHBACK (FOOTAGE FROM FIRST MOVIE) Number Two disappears backwards into the fiery pit. INT. STARBUCKS WORLD HEADQUARTERS Number Two smiles weakly, breaking into a sweat on his brow. NUMBER TWO May I add, I appreciate you reinstating me after our little... misunderstanding. DR. EVIL Frau Farbissina. Wie gehts is einen? We see Frau. She looks a little more 'masculine' than before. FRAU Zehr gut, Herr Doctor. DR. EVIL How are things? FRAU I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak it's name. To my right is my lover. We see a severe-looking German woman with one continuous eyebrow. FRAU Her name is Unibrau. I met her on the LPGA Tour. DR. EVIL Right on. Welcome, Unibrau. Dr. Evil takes another sip of cappuccino, making the frothy milk mustache even larger. FRAU Doctor, you have a 'milk mustache.' DR. EVIL (wiping it off, embarrassed) Oh, I know. I know. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I'd like to introduce the Greek assassin, Oedipus. We see a swarthy Greek army guy. DR. EVIL Welcome to my private army, Oedipus. Excited? OEDIPUS I could give a shit. DR. EVIL Kiss your mother with that mouth? OEDIPUS Yes. DR. EVIL Of course you do. Dr Evil begins to press a button labelled "Oedipus" on his control panel, but Number Two interrupts. NUMBER TWO (clearing throat) Dr. Evil, as you know, the rate at which you liquidate henchmen far exceeds our ability to replace them. DR. EVIL I have so few pleasures left to me, Number Two. The key to life is to rotate your vices. One day it's executions, another day it's creamy French cheese. It's like frickin' heroin. NUMBER TWO Well, Dr. Evil, perhaps I have the answer. While you were frozen, we began a program to clone you. DR. EVIL Cool. NUMBER TWO We had a few glitches, but I think you'll be pleased with the results. FRAU (shouting) Send in the clone! MUSIC: dramatic sting We see the shadow of an approaching figure. The shadow looks like Dr. Evil, only much larger and scarier. NUMBER TWO He is identical to you in every way, except he is one-eighth your size. We see that the source of the shadow is a MINIATURE DR. EVIL, just like the creepy mini-Marlon Brando in The Island of Dr. Moreau. He mimics Dr. Evil's mannerisms including holding his tiny pinky to his tiny mouth. DR. EVIL Breathtaking. I shall call him Mini- Me. (to clone) Mini-Me, you will sit to my right. Mini-Me sits down in a miniature version of Dr. Evil's command chair. DR. EVIL Come Mr. Bigglesworth! The bald Mr. Bigglesworth runs and jumps into Dr. Evil's lap. A bald MR. BIGGLESWORTH KITTEN jumps into Mini-Me's lap. DR. EVIL Mini-me, something to eat? (expectant pause) No? (pause) OK. (to room) Tired. Gentleman, I have a plan. As you know, the most powerful man in the world is the President of the United States. But he is just that- a man, subject to temptations of the flesh like any other man. Here's what we do: we make it seem that the President has had "extra-marital oral relations" with- and this is the kicker- DRAMATIC STING, SNAP ZOOM TO DR. EVIL. DR. EVIL With a White House intern! Dr. Evil gloats. So does Mini-Me. NUMBER TWO (clearing his throat) Uh-hem. DR. EVIL What, that already happened? Number Two nods. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous. Oh well, how about a frickin' time machine? Does the president have a time machine? Have I been scooped on that? NUMBER TWO No, not that I'm aware of. DR. EVIL Alright, time machine it is. As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen? SCOTT Because you never kill him when you get the chance and you're a dope? Mini-Me hops upon the table and tries to push the "Scott Evil" button on Dr. Evil's control panel. Frau SQUIRTS him with a water bottle. Mini-Me glares at Scott and GIVES HIM THE FINGER. DR. EVIL No, because Austin Powers has "mojo". NUMBER TWO Mojo? FRAU Yes, mojo. The mojo is the life force, the essence, the libido, the "right stuff". DR. EVIL It's what the French call a certain 'I don't know what.' SCOTT If you've got a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill Austin Powers when he's a baby or something? DR. EVIL No, no, no. NUMBER TWO (interrupting) Dr. Evil, wouldn't it be easier to use your knowledge of the future to play the stock market? We could literally make trillions. DR. EVIL (smug laugh to himself) Why make trillions when we could make... (pause) Billions? NUMBER TWO Excuse me? DR. EVIL Why think small is all I'm saying. SCOTT A trillion is more than a billion, numb-nuts. DR. EVIL Zip it. Unveil the time portal! A wall panel opens to reveal a Stargate-like wall of shimmering energy. DR. EVIL Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the time portal. As you know, Austin Powers was frozen in 1967. Therefore, I time travel to 1969, two years after he was frozen. Security will be lax and I'll strike when he is totally helpless. First, I take Austin Powers' mojo. Then I begin my domination of the world. SCOTT Can I come? DR. EVIL No, Scott, Daddy has a score to settle. Austin Powers is the snake to my mongoose, or the mongoose to my snake. Either way it's bad, I don't know animals. But I do know this: This time it's personal. Frau, Number 2, I'll see you both in 1969. Come, Mini-Me. Dr. Evil walks to the portal. Mini-Me follows, imitating him perfectly. They enter the portal. There is a FREEZE FRAME effect and they FADE AWAY, like in Star Trek. INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - Dr. Evil and Mini-Me emerge on the other side of the portal into a NEW LAIR. It is a large hollowed-out volcano room dominated by chrome conduits and tasteful art pieces. A younger Frau sits with NUMBER TWO, now played by ROB LOWE in an eye-patch. DR. EVIL Ah, here we are Mini-Me, 1969. Number Two, you look very youthful and healthy. (turning to Frau) And Frau you look...right. As Dr. Evil walks to the center of the room, chairs rise from the floor. Everyone takes a seat, but Dr. Evil gets caught in the middle as chairs rise around him. He is frightened. One of the rising chairs hits him in the crotch. DR. EVIL OK, people, we now officially have a chair problem. If another one of these chairs hits me in the nuts, I'm gonna go postal. Mini-Me, I want you to meet Number Two. NUMBER TWO Hello there. Mini-me says nothing. DR. EVIL Mini-Me? Mini-me still says nothing. DR. EVIL Shy. Low blood sugar. (to room) Gentlemen, Phase Two is beginning. I have an operative inside the Ministry of Defense. By this time tomorrow, Austin Powers' mojo will be mine. Dr. Evil goes over and looks out the large window. DR. EVIL (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! EXT. DR. EVIL'S TROPICAL ISLAND - We cut outside to see that window is in fact the left eye of a Mt. Rushmore-type depiction of Dr. Evil carved into the side of a volcano on a tropical island. DR. EVIL (V.O.) (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! INT. MOD - CRYOGENIC FREEZING ROOM - We see Austin's FROZEN BODY in cryogenic storage. Above it, we see two digital clocks. One reads: CURRENT DATE: MAY 25, 1969, the other reads: DATE FROZEN: NOVEMBER 11, 1967. One of the SCOTS GUARDS, is an IMMENSELY FAT SCOTTISH SOLDIER (played by Mike Myers). BRITISH COLONEL We've had reports that there's a spy in the Ministry of Defense. The contents of this room are vital to the country. Be on special alert. FAT SOLDIER (thick Scottish accent) Those bastards will have to kill me before I let anything happen to this wee naked hairy popsicle, sir! BRITISH COLONEL Very good. And try and lose some weight for God's sake! They exchange salutes and the Colonel exits. FAT SOLDIER Yessir! (sotto after the Colonel) I outta smash your teeth out with a Toffee Hammer Mr. English Colonel Telling-Me-What-To-Do-And-Stealing- our-Oil-Refusing-To-Recognize- our- Scottish-Independence! The Fat Soldier begins to play the BAGPIPES, a white vapor comes out of them, filling the room. The other soldiers COLLAPSE, unconscious. He bores through the ice and pulls out a Sixties high-tech syringe type device with an LED graph on the side. He places it in Austin's navel. The LED meter goes from red to green, indicating FULL MOJO. EXT./INT. AUSTIN'S SHAGUAR - DRIVING - DAY Austin drives in MODERN TRAFFIC. He is drinking a STARBUCKS COFFEE and listening to the Jag's in-dash CD PLAYER. Suddenly Austin DROOPS. The car starts to sputter. The fuel gauge reads empty. AUSTIN Gor blimey, I'm on empty! That's funny, I just filled the Shaguar up this morning. Austin hits a button on the dashboard. BASIL EXPOSITION appears on the picture phone in the dash. BASIL EXPOSITION (on picture phone) Hello, I'm Basil Exposition, head of British Intelligence. AUSTIN You always are, Basil. Listen, the weirdest thing just happened, I've run out of petrol. BASIL EXPOSITION We'll send a man around immediately. How was your honeymoon? AUSTIN Vanessa tried to kill me, Basil. She was a Fembot! BASIL EXPOSITION Ah women, who can understand them? Moving on, let's discuss your new case. AUSTIN New case? Very shagadelic, Basil! BASIL EXPOSITION You'll be doing a photo shoot. We know that one of the models is an ex- KGB agent selling top secret material to the highest bidder. AUSTIN That sounds easy enough, you know what they say: all work and no shagging makes Austin a dull boy, man! INT. SKI LODGE Austin sets up his photo equipment. The room is decorated in classic Heffner- bear skin rugs, leather chairs, roaring fire. AUSTIN (looking around) Tres chic, baby. REG, the photo assistant, enters. REG Austin, the models are ready. AUSTIN Ta, Reg. Bless your cotton socks. Hey, Reg, do you have any hobbies? REG What? AUSTIN Hobbies, man! I for one enjoy making models! The models make their entrance. They are REAL SUPERMODELS, say CINDY CRAWFORD, REBECCA ROMAJIN and also one MODEL we don't know. SUPERMODELS (circling Austin) It's him! Oh my God! It's Austin Powers! Austin shoots a look to Reg like 'still got it, baby.' AUSTIN One at a time, girls. One. At. A. Time! CINDY Hi, I'm Cindy. I don't believe I've had the pleasure. AUSTIN Of course you haven't had "The Pleasure", we just met, baby, yeah! REBECCA How do you do, Austin? I'm Rebecca. (indicating the photo gear) Your equipment is quite impressive. AUSTIN Thank you. Your breasts are amazing. Austin comes to the unknown model. She is tall and angular. AUSTIN And what's your name, baby? MODEL (thick Russian accent) Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN Excuse me? IVANA Ivana. Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN And I vanna toilet made of solid gold but it's just not in the cards, now is it? Austin looks over the girls, trying to decide who is the spy. AUSTIN (V.O.) (inner monologue) Now, which one is the Russian spy? Cindy Crawford, Rebecca Romajin... or Ivana Humpalot? Think, man, think! Austin begins snapping pictures. The sequence is shot like a photo shoot, with freeze frames, etc. AUSTIN Alright, baby! Love it. Turn and pout for me baby! Smashing! Cindy gets on all fours. AUSTIN Great, darling. Give me some shoulder. Yes, yes, yes. (angry) No! No! FULL FRAME, cover of Vogue. Cindy with her head framed out. AUSTIN (to Rebecca) Show me love. Smashing! You're an animal. You're a tiger. Be a tiger, baby! You're great! You're Grrrrrr- eat! You're Tony, be corn flakes, baby, be frosted. Now be a lemur, baby! You're a ring-tailed lemur. Rebecca looks confused. REBECCA A lemur? AUSTIN A small mammal native to the African savannah. C'mon baby, you know. Like this! (imitating lemur) OK, predator coming! Now, burrow, burrow! You're a lemur. It's all you've got. (beat) I take it back. Be a tiger again. Smashing! FULL FRAME, Rebecca on the cover of National--Geographic. AUSTIN And... done! I'm spent! Austin throws his camera to Reg, who catches it. REG Hel-lo, you forgot about Ivana. AUSTIN I didn't forget, baby. Miss Humpalot and I are going to have a 'private session'. Reg shows the girls out as they PROTEST. Austin and Ivana are left alone. Austin CLAPS TWICE and the lights dim. He CLAPS again and the fire goes up. MUSIC: I'm Never Going To Fall in Love Again by BURT BACHARACH IVANA When did you get "The Clapper"? AUSTIN November, 1964, Dutch East Indies, shore leave. IVANA Are you cold, Mr. Powers? AUSTIN I once had a bad experience with frostbite. I had to dip my tadger into a brandy snifter. Ivana moves over to a chessboard set up nearby. IVANA Do you know how we keep warm in Russia? AUSTIN I can guess, baby. IVANA We play chess. AUSTIN I guessed wrong. IVANA It takes a keen intelligence to play chess. Of course, you know what they say about men with big brains, don't you? AUSTIN They wear large hats? IVANA No, they make better lovers. AUSTIN Wrong again. Ivana starts playing with the chess pieces sexily (like in The Thomas Crowne Affair). IVANA I assume you know how to play. She runs the bishop across her lips sexily. AUSTIN Of course. The... horsey... moves in an L shape. Austin tries to match her sexy moves and CHOKES on a piece. AUSTIN Let's stop playing games with each other... especially difficult ones. May I ask you a question, Miss Humpalot? IVANA Of course. AUSTIN Do I make you horny? Do I? Austin rolls around on the polar bear rug. IVANA I'll tell you anything you want to know, just make love to me. She pulls his shirt off, revealing his prodigious chest hair. IVANA You are hairy, like an animal! AUSTIN (growling and barking) Grrrr, baby. Austin takes the head of the bear skin rug. AUSTIN Grrrr. Ruf! Ruf! (covers the bear's eyes) Wait a tick, I don't want him watching me while I'm on the job! IVANA Make love to me, monkey man. AUSTIN Groovy, baby! We pan around the room, seeing all the stuffed and mounted wildlife who seem to be watching. Suddenly the camera stops. So does the music. IVANA (O.S.) What's the matter? CUT TO: MONTAGE - VARIOUS STOCK FOOTAGE A tall flower wilts and beds over. A souffle falls. A flag is lowered to half mast. A giant redwood falls in a forest. A hot air balloon deflates and falls. An actual scientific diagram of a penis in the refractory period. INT. LODGE AUSTIN (to camera) Crikey, I've lost my mojo. EXT. LONDON STREETS (STOCK FOOTAGE) An ambulance races through the streets, SIREN BLARING. EXT. MINISTRY OF DEFENSE SUPER: "MINISTRY OF DEFENSE" INT. MOD - HALLWAY Basil hurries through, pushing past TECHNICIANS and WORKERS. BASIL EXPOSITION Where is he? In here? INT. MOD - LAB Basil enters. Cross between a hospital room and a lab. Austin lies in bed hooked up to lots of monitoring equipment. BASIL EXPOSITION Austin, I came as soon as I heard. AUSTIN There must be some kind of mistake, Basil. Maybe I was drunk and I didn't know it. Austin holds his neck very stiffly. BASIL EXPOSITION What's wrong with your neck, Austin? AUSTIN (turning stiffly to face Basil) I took a Viagra and it got caught in my throat. I've had a stiff neck for hours. Basil, is it true? Have I lost my mojo? BASIL EXPOSITION We're going to run a few tests, Austin. Don't worry, old friend, we'll get to the bottom of this. INT. MRI MACHINE Austin is being loaded into one of those big scary MRI machines: the MOJONATOR 9000. The mojo meter reads VERY LOW. INT. MOD LAB MONTAGE (TIME-LAPSE): Technicians in white suits and masks transform the room into a love lair: A pair of Latex-gloved hands carefully puts a BURT BACHARACH record on a turntable. Examination lights are replaced with LAVA LAMPS. A tray is brought in with a videotape marked "SWEDISH EDUCATIONAL FILM." Finally, the transformation is complete. Austin lies in bed reading a vintage PLAYBOY. A CANDY STRIPE NURSE enters, very pretty, in a tight outfit. NURSE Excuse me, Mr. Powers, I need to give you a sponge bath before we begin the test. AUSTIN (not paying attention to her) Alright, miss, just let me finish this article on the Suez crisis. An ALARM goes off. Bright LIGHTS come on. Basil enters. AUSTIN What's going on? BASIL EXPOSITION Alright, everyone, we're done. AUSTIN But the test hasn't even started!

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How many times the word 'text' appears in the text?

Austin Powers - The Spy Who Shagged Me Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME By Mike Myers MUSIC: timpani roll and dramatic sting NARRATOR In his last adventure, Austin Powers, a swinging spy from the Sixties, was unfrozen in the Nineties to battle his archenemy Dr. Evil. Austin foiled Dr. Evil's plan to send a nuclear warhead to the center of the earth and banished him into space forever. Or so he thought. EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT (ESTABLISHING SHOT FROM FIRST MOVIE) SUPER: THE FRENCH RIVIERA INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY Elegant double doors with a brass plaque reading "Honeymoon Suite." A "Do Not-Disturb" sign hangs from the handle. INT. HOTEL SUITE FROM THE FIRST MOVIE: Austin and Vanessa snuggle in bed. She plays with his chest hair. VANESSA I love you, Mr. Powers. AUSTIN And I love you, Mrs. Powers. SHOT TO MATCH EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin gets out of bed. We see Vanessa putting on her robe from behind, and then EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa kiss. VANESSA Let's go out on the terrace. It's a beautiful night, we can look at the stars. EXT. HOTEL BALCONY EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa gaze at the stars. AUSTIN Look how beautiful the night sky is. VANESSA Isn't that the big dipper? AUSTIN Yeah, and that looks just like Uranus. VANESSA Austin! AUSTIN (sheepish) Well, you know. VANESSA Hey, I've never seen that big star before. AUSTIN Yeah, what is that? Austin pulls out his telescope and takes a look. AUSTIN'S POV - TELESCOPE EFFECT EXT. SPACE EXISTING SHOT: The Bob's Big Boy rocket. INT. DR. EVIL'S CAPSULE DR. EVIL This isn't over yet, Mr. Powers. I have one more trick up my sleeve, don't I Mr. Bigglesworth? The frozen Mr. Bigglesworth MEOWS. EXT. SPACE The Bob's Big Boy rocket. Suddenly, a hatch opens in Bob's rear end and Dr. Evil's silver egg capsule poops out. SFX: PLOOP! Capsule begins fiery re-entry to Earth INT. HOTEL ROOM Austin comes in and shuts the balcony door. AUSTIN Oh well, I guess it was nothing. A VANESSA DOUBLE crosses carrying a bouquet of flowers, which obscure her face. AUSTIN Care for some champagne? (pouring) Here's to monotony-- I mean, monogamy! Vanessa sits at the vanity with her back turned. AUSTIN Hello? Vanessa? What are you doing, luv? VANESSA (back turned) Just putting on my-- As Vanessa turns around she puts her hands up and PULLS OFF HER FACE revealing wires, transistors, and a speaker where her mouth should be. FEMBOT VANESSA (computer voice) MAKE-UP! AUSTIN (frightened) Vanessa, you're a Fembot! They fight. Midway through the fight, machine guns pop out of Vanessa's breasts. AUSTIN Machine gun jubblies, how did I miss those? VANESSA (robot voice) PERHAPS NEXT TIME YOU SHOULD TRY FOREPLAY. Her machine gun breasts FIRE, spraying the room in SLO-MO. Then they run out of ammo and CLICK, CLICK. Austin empties his gun into the robot, but to no avail. She rushes at him, he gives her a judo chop, also to no avail. Then Austin' notices a SELF-DESTRUCT switch and hits it. She starts to twitch, her head spins, and she EXPLODES. Fembot parts fly around the room. Austin sits on the bed, saddened. He holds Vanessa's hand, which has wires hanging out of it. On one of the fingers is her wedding ring. MUSIC: VERY SAD PIANO AUSTIN (very sad) I can't believe Vanessa, my bride, my one true love, the woman who taught me the beauty of sharing your whole life with another, the person who taught me the meaning of love, was a Fembot. How will I ever go on? (beat) Wait a tic! That means I'm single! Oh, behave! INT. LOBBY - HOTEL Rich European guests mill about the luxurious lobby. Suddenly, Austin dances through naked. Just as we are about to see his bits and pieces, a man lifts up his suitcase. AUSTIN Yeah, baby, I'm free! I'm naked and free! SEQUENCE CREDIT MUSIC: Soul Bassanova by QUINCY JONES PAN UP Austin's NAKED body as he walks down a boardwalk. Just as the camera reaches that most sensitive of areas, a credit appears STARRING MIKE MYERS. Austin gives a big 'who me?' and we FREEZE FRAME. EXT. BOARDWALK - FRENCH RIVERA European types stare and point. We see Austin from behind. His bottom half is blocked by a bicycle. The bicycle moves away. Just as Austin's bum is about to be revealed- A CREDIT APPEARS blocking it. Austin turns his head around to the camera and puts his hand to his mouth in an 'oh my!' take and we FREEZE FRAME. A MAN IN A RAINCOAT flashes Austin, his thingy blocked by a credit. Austin just laughs...crazy, man! Austin goes around a corner. A moment later he returns, followed by a NUDE MARCHING BAND. A SIGN on the left side of the screen reads "Warning! Nude Beach". Austin enters from the left. We see his naked, hairy torso from the waist up. Just as he is about to appear from behind the sign, a... CREDIT APPEARS MOVING LEFT TO RIGHT Blocking his penis lengthwise as he walks. NUDE BEACH - CREDIT SEQUENCE A girl sits on a blanket; a HORIZONTAL CREDIT blocks her bare chest. Austin lays on his back beside her, trying to be suave; A VERTICAL CREDIT appears. The wind blows away a kite, revealing a stark-naked girl. The credit "PRODUCTION DESIGN" blocks her chest; the credit "BY" blocks her you-know-what. Austin walks into frame; the "PRODUCTION DESIGNER'S NAME" disguises his growing interest. Austin joins a nude volleyball game in progress. CREDITS appear everywhere to block all possible combinations of nudity. People leap in all directions to make saves, causing CREDITS TO APPEAR at crazy angles. A pretty girl watches Austin lift weights. Her boobs are blocked by the "WRITTEN BY" credit. Austin lifts a dumbbell. The credit "MIKE MYERS" sticks out from his waist. Austin looks proud. A BUFF NAKED BODYBUILDER joins them. He lifts a much heavier weight. A much longer credit sticks out from his waist: "AND MICHAEL MCCULLERS". Austin pouts. Austin runs down the beach, his bum blocked by the credit "DIRECTED BY". He jumps on a trampoline and does the splits in mid-air: FREEZE FRAME AND PAN AROUND LIKE IN THE GAP "KHAKI SWING" AD. Austin smiles crazily, his penis blocked by "JAY ROACH." Austin does a super-duper double flip into his JAGUAR. AUSTIN Shaguar, baby, yeah! CU on the chrome script on the grill: it reads "Shaguar" where it would normally read "Jaguar". The car speeds off. FULL SCREEN TV JERRY SPRINGER SHOW On the stage we see a Klansman father and his Klansman son, a Nazi father and his Nazi son, and SCOTT EVIL all seated on a panel. Lower Third Chyron: "MY FATHER IS EVIL AND WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" JERRY SPRINGER If you just joined us, today's topic is "my father is evil and wants to take over the world". Now, Bobby, you had something you wanted to share with your father before the break. BOBBY Dad, I know you're against race mixing and all that, but I met someone... KLANSMAN Don't say it! The crowd WHOOPS. BOBBY I met someone... and he's black. The crowd goes crazy. KLANSMAN He? The Klansman holds his hooded head in his hands. JERRY SPRINGER Please welcome Tim. A handsome Blair Underwood look-alike enters and hugs the Klansman's son. The crowd screams. JERRY MOVES TO SCOTT EVIL. JERRY SPRINGER Now Scott, tell us about your father. Share with us. SCOTT Well he's the head of an evil organization that has aspirations for world domination. JERRY SPRINGER And where is your father right now? SCOTT He's in outer space, like frozen in a giant egg and stuffed inside a Big Boy rocket with his cat, Mr. Bigglesworth. JERRY SPRINGER Really? Well, we have a surprise for you, Scott. Let's bring out SCOTT'S father, Dr Evil. Dr Evil enters. Lower Third Chyron: "WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" DR. EVIL Hello Scott, I'm back. SCOTT I can't believe you'd do this to me on national television! DR. EVIL They offered me a free makeover. JERRY SPRINGER Dr. Evil, we've seen a lot of the fathers here today open up to their sons, sons to the fathers. Is there anything you'd like to share? DR. EVIL Share? JERRY SPRINGER Yes, don't you have any secrets? DR. EVIL OK. I have a vestigial tail. Everyone is a little grossed out. DR. EVIL It's more of a nub, really. The spine just goes on a little longer than it should. Also, I've dabbled. I mean, perform fellatio once and you're a poet, twice and you're a homosexual. I remember once I was being fisted by Sebastian Cabot- but here's where the story gets interesting. He was lactose-intolerant. He could eat red meat all night long, but one sip of milk and it was gastric hell. And I remember we were caught in fragrance delicto by Henry Kissinger, and you can imagine my humiliation at having Hank hear me say, "Mr. French, no teeth." One of my greatest disappointments is that I never became a song and dance man. I could have been a quadruple threat, kind of like a despotic Ken Barry. Dancer, singer, actor, and I would possess nuclear weapons, the latter being the most threatening of the four. I once sat on a bus and tried to will myself a menstrual cycle. All I ended up with was a sense of failure and a mild neuralgia in my incisor teeth and perhaps a grudging respect for the weaker sex. I love toe cleavage. For the most part I distrust dogs. I slept in a horse once. It was quite roomy. On second thought, it was the Ritz. I named my left testicle 'piss' and my right testicle 'vinegar'. I wrote "It's Raining Men", or so the Christmas babies told me. Oh yes, I also made a Marzipan voodoo effigy of The Fonze while I was in coma after smoking some Peruvian prayer hash, but who at the end of the day can honestly say they haven't done that? The Springer audience is stunned, slack-jawed and for once quiet. KLANSMAN What are you, some kind of freak? SCOTT Shut up, jagoff! Studio audience whoops at this. KLANSMAN I'll kick your ass punk! Crowd goes crazy. DR. EVIL No one talks to my boy that way! Dr. Evil charges at Klansman and starts to bitch slap him. Security men, with headsets on, rush in to separate them. DR. EVIL I'm OK, I'm OK. There is a BEAT, then Dr. Evil CHARGES the guy again, knocking him down. DR. EVIL Come Scott, let's go to daddy's new evil lair. EXT. WORLD HEADQUARTERS BUILDING - DAY We pan up a modern office building. The camera reaches the top of the building and we see a giant STARBUCKS LOGO and the words: Starbucks World Headquarters. INT. STARBUCKS BOARD ROOM The penthouse boardroom is adorned with Starbucks paraphernalia: large logo, clear canisters full of beans, and a large world map with a little logo everywhere there is a Starbucks. Around a large table are Dr. Evil, Number Two (bandaged and lightly spotted with soot), Frau, Scott and a couple of NEW HENCHMEN. A Starbucks employee serves everyone steaming hot coffee products. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, as the legitimate frontman of your organization, I seized upon the opportunity to invest in a small Seattle-based coffee company several years ago. Today, Starbucks is a far- flung empire with 2000 outlets worldwide. DR. EVIL Oh good, Number Two, I do enjoy a good cuppa joe. NUMBER TWO If I may continue, I believe if we shift our resources away from world domination and focus on providing premium quality coffee drinks, we can increase our gross profits fivefold. Dr. Evil takes a sip of cappuccino, leaving a WHITE FROTHY MILK MUSTACHE on his upper lip. DR. EVIL Right. Perhaps you've confused me with someone who gives a shit. Might I remind you that I run the show here? I demand a little respect. NUMBER TWO (indicating Dr. Evil's milk mustache) Dr. Evil, I think you-- DR. EVIL Silence! I will not tolerate your insolence! Remember what happened last time. FLASHBACK (FOOTAGE FROM FIRST MOVIE) Number Two disappears backwards into the fiery pit. INT. STARBUCKS WORLD HEADQUARTERS Number Two smiles weakly, breaking into a sweat on his brow. NUMBER TWO May I add, I appreciate you reinstating me after our little... misunderstanding. DR. EVIL Frau Farbissina. Wie gehts is einen? We see Frau. She looks a little more 'masculine' than before. FRAU Zehr gut, Herr Doctor. DR. EVIL How are things? FRAU I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak it's name. To my right is my lover. We see a severe-looking German woman with one continuous eyebrow. FRAU Her name is Unibrau. I met her on the LPGA Tour. DR. EVIL Right on. Welcome, Unibrau. Dr. Evil takes another sip of cappuccino, making the frothy milk mustache even larger. FRAU Doctor, you have a 'milk mustache.' DR. EVIL (wiping it off, embarrassed) Oh, I know. I know. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I'd like to introduce the Greek assassin, Oedipus. We see a swarthy Greek army guy. DR. EVIL Welcome to my private army, Oedipus. Excited? OEDIPUS I could give a shit. DR. EVIL Kiss your mother with that mouth? OEDIPUS Yes. DR. EVIL Of course you do. Dr Evil begins to press a button labelled "Oedipus" on his control panel, but Number Two interrupts. NUMBER TWO (clearing throat) Dr. Evil, as you know, the rate at which you liquidate henchmen far exceeds our ability to replace them. DR. EVIL I have so few pleasures left to me, Number Two. The key to life is to rotate your vices. One day it's executions, another day it's creamy French cheese. It's like frickin' heroin. NUMBER TWO Well, Dr. Evil, perhaps I have the answer. While you were frozen, we began a program to clone you. DR. EVIL Cool. NUMBER TWO We had a few glitches, but I think you'll be pleased with the results. FRAU (shouting) Send in the clone! MUSIC: dramatic sting We see the shadow of an approaching figure. The shadow looks like Dr. Evil, only much larger and scarier. NUMBER TWO He is identical to you in every way, except he is one-eighth your size. We see that the source of the shadow is a MINIATURE DR. EVIL, just like the creepy mini-Marlon Brando in The Island of Dr. Moreau. He mimics Dr. Evil's mannerisms including holding his tiny pinky to his tiny mouth. DR. EVIL Breathtaking. I shall call him Mini- Me. (to clone) Mini-Me, you will sit to my right. Mini-Me sits down in a miniature version of Dr. Evil's command chair. DR. EVIL Come Mr. Bigglesworth! The bald Mr. Bigglesworth runs and jumps into Dr. Evil's lap. A bald MR. BIGGLESWORTH KITTEN jumps into Mini-Me's lap. DR. EVIL Mini-me, something to eat? (expectant pause) No? (pause) OK. (to room) Tired. Gentleman, I have a plan. As you know, the most powerful man in the world is the President of the United States. But he is just that- a man, subject to temptations of the flesh like any other man. Here's what we do: we make it seem that the President has had "extra-marital oral relations" with- and this is the kicker- DRAMATIC STING, SNAP ZOOM TO DR. EVIL. DR. EVIL With a White House intern! Dr. Evil gloats. So does Mini-Me. NUMBER TWO (clearing his throat) Uh-hem. DR. EVIL What, that already happened? Number Two nods. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous. Oh well, how about a frickin' time machine? Does the president have a time machine? Have I been scooped on that? NUMBER TWO No, not that I'm aware of. DR. EVIL Alright, time machine it is. As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen? SCOTT Because you never kill him when you get the chance and you're a dope? Mini-Me hops upon the table and tries to push the "Scott Evil" button on Dr. Evil's control panel. Frau SQUIRTS him with a water bottle. Mini-Me glares at Scott and GIVES HIM THE FINGER. DR. EVIL No, because Austin Powers has "mojo". NUMBER TWO Mojo? FRAU Yes, mojo. The mojo is the life force, the essence, the libido, the "right stuff". DR. EVIL It's what the French call a certain 'I don't know what.' SCOTT If you've got a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill Austin Powers when he's a baby or something? DR. EVIL No, no, no. NUMBER TWO (interrupting) Dr. Evil, wouldn't it be easier to use your knowledge of the future to play the stock market? We could literally make trillions. DR. EVIL (smug laugh to himself) Why make trillions when we could make... (pause) Billions? NUMBER TWO Excuse me? DR. EVIL Why think small is all I'm saying. SCOTT A trillion is more than a billion, numb-nuts. DR. EVIL Zip it. Unveil the time portal! A wall panel opens to reveal a Stargate-like wall of shimmering energy. DR. EVIL Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the time portal. As you know, Austin Powers was frozen in 1967. Therefore, I time travel to 1969, two years after he was frozen. Security will be lax and I'll strike when he is totally helpless. First, I take Austin Powers' mojo. Then I begin my domination of the world. SCOTT Can I come? DR. EVIL No, Scott, Daddy has a score to settle. Austin Powers is the snake to my mongoose, or the mongoose to my snake. Either way it's bad, I don't know animals. But I do know this: This time it's personal. Frau, Number 2, I'll see you both in 1969. Come, Mini-Me. Dr. Evil walks to the portal. Mini-Me follows, imitating him perfectly. They enter the portal. There is a FREEZE FRAME effect and they FADE AWAY, like in Star Trek. INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - Dr. Evil and Mini-Me emerge on the other side of the portal into a NEW LAIR. It is a large hollowed-out volcano room dominated by chrome conduits and tasteful art pieces. A younger Frau sits with NUMBER TWO, now played by ROB LOWE in an eye-patch. DR. EVIL Ah, here we are Mini-Me, 1969. Number Two, you look very youthful and healthy. (turning to Frau) And Frau you look...right. As Dr. Evil walks to the center of the room, chairs rise from the floor. Everyone takes a seat, but Dr. Evil gets caught in the middle as chairs rise around him. He is frightened. One of the rising chairs hits him in the crotch. DR. EVIL OK, people, we now officially have a chair problem. If another one of these chairs hits me in the nuts, I'm gonna go postal. Mini-Me, I want you to meet Number Two. NUMBER TWO Hello there. Mini-me says nothing. DR. EVIL Mini-Me? Mini-me still says nothing. DR. EVIL Shy. Low blood sugar. (to room) Gentlemen, Phase Two is beginning. I have an operative inside the Ministry of Defense. By this time tomorrow, Austin Powers' mojo will be mine. Dr. Evil goes over and looks out the large window. DR. EVIL (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! EXT. DR. EVIL'S TROPICAL ISLAND - We cut outside to see that window is in fact the left eye of a Mt. Rushmore-type depiction of Dr. Evil carved into the side of a volcano on a tropical island. DR. EVIL (V.O.) (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! INT. MOD - CRYOGENIC FREEZING ROOM - We see Austin's FROZEN BODY in cryogenic storage. Above it, we see two digital clocks. One reads: CURRENT DATE: MAY 25, 1969, the other reads: DATE FROZEN: NOVEMBER 11, 1967. One of the SCOTS GUARDS, is an IMMENSELY FAT SCOTTISH SOLDIER (played by Mike Myers). BRITISH COLONEL We've had reports that there's a spy in the Ministry of Defense. The contents of this room are vital to the country. Be on special alert. FAT SOLDIER (thick Scottish accent) Those bastards will have to kill me before I let anything happen to this wee naked hairy popsicle, sir! BRITISH COLONEL Very good. And try and lose some weight for God's sake! They exchange salutes and the Colonel exits. FAT SOLDIER Yessir! (sotto after the Colonel) I outta smash your teeth out with a Toffee Hammer Mr. English Colonel Telling-Me-What-To-Do-And-Stealing- our-Oil-Refusing-To-Recognize- our- Scottish-Independence! The Fat Soldier begins to play the BAGPIPES, a white vapor comes out of them, filling the room. The other soldiers COLLAPSE, unconscious. He bores through the ice and pulls out a Sixties high-tech syringe type device with an LED graph on the side. He places it in Austin's navel. The LED meter goes from red to green, indicating FULL MOJO. EXT./INT. AUSTIN'S SHAGUAR - DRIVING - DAY Austin drives in MODERN TRAFFIC. He is drinking a STARBUCKS COFFEE and listening to the Jag's in-dash CD PLAYER. Suddenly Austin DROOPS. The car starts to sputter. The fuel gauge reads empty. AUSTIN Gor blimey, I'm on empty! That's funny, I just filled the Shaguar up this morning. Austin hits a button on the dashboard. BASIL EXPOSITION appears on the picture phone in the dash. BASIL EXPOSITION (on picture phone) Hello, I'm Basil Exposition, head of British Intelligence. AUSTIN You always are, Basil. Listen, the weirdest thing just happened, I've run out of petrol. BASIL EXPOSITION We'll send a man around immediately. How was your honeymoon? AUSTIN Vanessa tried to kill me, Basil. She was a Fembot! BASIL EXPOSITION Ah women, who can understand them? Moving on, let's discuss your new case. AUSTIN New case? Very shagadelic, Basil! BASIL EXPOSITION You'll be doing a photo shoot. We know that one of the models is an ex- KGB agent selling top secret material to the highest bidder. AUSTIN That sounds easy enough, you know what they say: all work and no shagging makes Austin a dull boy, man! INT. SKI LODGE Austin sets up his photo equipment. The room is decorated in classic Heffner- bear skin rugs, leather chairs, roaring fire. AUSTIN (looking around) Tres chic, baby. REG, the photo assistant, enters. REG Austin, the models are ready. AUSTIN Ta, Reg. Bless your cotton socks. Hey, Reg, do you have any hobbies? REG What? AUSTIN Hobbies, man! I for one enjoy making models! The models make their entrance. They are REAL SUPERMODELS, say CINDY CRAWFORD, REBECCA ROMAJIN and also one MODEL we don't know. SUPERMODELS (circling Austin) It's him! Oh my God! It's Austin Powers! Austin shoots a look to Reg like 'still got it, baby.' AUSTIN One at a time, girls. One. At. A. Time! CINDY Hi, I'm Cindy. I don't believe I've had the pleasure. AUSTIN Of course you haven't had "The Pleasure", we just met, baby, yeah! REBECCA How do you do, Austin? I'm Rebecca. (indicating the photo gear) Your equipment is quite impressive. AUSTIN Thank you. Your breasts are amazing. Austin comes to the unknown model. She is tall and angular. AUSTIN And what's your name, baby? MODEL (thick Russian accent) Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN Excuse me? IVANA Ivana. Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN And I vanna toilet made of solid gold but it's just not in the cards, now is it? Austin looks over the girls, trying to decide who is the spy. AUSTIN (V.O.) (inner monologue) Now, which one is the Russian spy? Cindy Crawford, Rebecca Romajin... or Ivana Humpalot? Think, man, think! Austin begins snapping pictures. The sequence is shot like a photo shoot, with freeze frames, etc. AUSTIN Alright, baby! Love it. Turn and pout for me baby! Smashing! Cindy gets on all fours. AUSTIN Great, darling. Give me some shoulder. Yes, yes, yes. (angry) No! No! FULL FRAME, cover of Vogue. Cindy with her head framed out. AUSTIN (to Rebecca) Show me love. Smashing! You're an animal. You're a tiger. Be a tiger, baby! You're great! You're Grrrrrr- eat! You're Tony, be corn flakes, baby, be frosted. Now be a lemur, baby! You're a ring-tailed lemur. Rebecca looks confused. REBECCA A lemur? AUSTIN A small mammal native to the African savannah. C'mon baby, you know. Like this! (imitating lemur) OK, predator coming! Now, burrow, burrow! You're a lemur. It's all you've got. (beat) I take it back. Be a tiger again. Smashing! FULL FRAME, Rebecca on the cover of National--Geographic. AUSTIN And... done! I'm spent! Austin throws his camera to Reg, who catches it. REG Hel-lo, you forgot about Ivana. AUSTIN I didn't forget, baby. Miss Humpalot and I are going to have a 'private session'. Reg shows the girls out as they PROTEST. Austin and Ivana are left alone. Austin CLAPS TWICE and the lights dim. He CLAPS again and the fire goes up. MUSIC: I'm Never Going To Fall in Love Again by BURT BACHARACH IVANA When did you get "The Clapper"? AUSTIN November, 1964, Dutch East Indies, shore leave. IVANA Are you cold, Mr. Powers? AUSTIN I once had a bad experience with frostbite. I had to dip my tadger into a brandy snifter. Ivana moves over to a chessboard set up nearby. IVANA Do you know how we keep warm in Russia? AUSTIN I can guess, baby. IVANA We play chess. AUSTIN I guessed wrong. IVANA It takes a keen intelligence to play chess. Of course, you know what they say about men with big brains, don't you? AUSTIN They wear large hats? IVANA No, they make better lovers. AUSTIN Wrong again. Ivana starts playing with the chess pieces sexily (like in The Thomas Crowne Affair). IVANA I assume you know how to play. She runs the bishop across her lips sexily. AUSTIN Of course. The... horsey... moves in an L shape. Austin tries to match her sexy moves and CHOKES on a piece. AUSTIN Let's stop playing games with each other... especially difficult ones. May I ask you a question, Miss Humpalot? IVANA Of course. AUSTIN Do I make you horny? Do I? Austin rolls around on the polar bear rug. IVANA I'll tell you anything you want to know, just make love to me. She pulls his shirt off, revealing his prodigious chest hair. IVANA You are hairy, like an animal! AUSTIN (growling and barking) Grrrr, baby. Austin takes the head of the bear skin rug. AUSTIN Grrrr. Ruf! Ruf! (covers the bear's eyes) Wait a tick, I don't want him watching me while I'm on the job! IVANA Make love to me, monkey man. AUSTIN Groovy, baby! We pan around the room, seeing all the stuffed and mounted wildlife who seem to be watching. Suddenly the camera stops. So does the music. IVANA (O.S.) What's the matter? CUT TO: MONTAGE - VARIOUS STOCK FOOTAGE A tall flower wilts and beds over. A souffle falls. A flag is lowered to half mast. A giant redwood falls in a forest. A hot air balloon deflates and falls. An actual scientific diagram of a penis in the refractory period. INT. LODGE AUSTIN (to camera) Crikey, I've lost my mojo. EXT. LONDON STREETS (STOCK FOOTAGE) An ambulance races through the streets, SIREN BLARING. EXT. MINISTRY OF DEFENSE SUPER: "MINISTRY OF DEFENSE" INT. MOD - HALLWAY Basil hurries through, pushing past TECHNICIANS and WORKERS. BASIL EXPOSITION Where is he? In here? INT. MOD - LAB Basil enters. Cross between a hospital room and a lab. Austin lies in bed hooked up to lots of monitoring equipment. BASIL EXPOSITION Austin, I came as soon as I heard. AUSTIN There must be some kind of mistake, Basil. Maybe I was drunk and I didn't know it. Austin holds his neck very stiffly. BASIL EXPOSITION What's wrong with your neck, Austin? AUSTIN (turning stiffly to face Basil) I took a Viagra and it got caught in my throat. I've had a stiff neck for hours. Basil, is it true? Have I lost my mojo? BASIL EXPOSITION We're going to run a few tests, Austin. Don't worry, old friend, we'll get to the bottom of this. INT. MRI MACHINE Austin is being loaded into one of those big scary MRI machines: the MOJONATOR 9000. The mojo meter reads VERY LOW. INT. MOD LAB MONTAGE (TIME-LAPSE): Technicians in white suits and masks transform the room into a love lair: A pair of Latex-gloved hands carefully puts a BURT BACHARACH record on a turntable. Examination lights are replaced with LAVA LAMPS. A tray is brought in with a videotape marked "SWEDISH EDUCATIONAL FILM." Finally, the transformation is complete. Austin lies in bed reading a vintage PLAYBOY. A CANDY STRIPE NURSE enters, very pretty, in a tight outfit. NURSE Excuse me, Mr. Powers, I need to give you a sponge bath before we begin the test. AUSTIN (not paying attention to her) Alright, miss, just let me finish this article on the Suez crisis. An ALARM goes off. Bright LIGHTS come on. Basil enters. AUSTIN What's going on? BASIL EXPOSITION Alright, everyone, we're done. AUSTIN But the test hasn't even started!

alphabetical

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Austin Powers - The Spy Who Shagged Me Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME By Mike Myers MUSIC: timpani roll and dramatic sting NARRATOR In his last adventure, Austin Powers, a swinging spy from the Sixties, was unfrozen in the Nineties to battle his archenemy Dr. Evil. Austin foiled Dr. Evil's plan to send a nuclear warhead to the center of the earth and banished him into space forever. Or so he thought. EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT (ESTABLISHING SHOT FROM FIRST MOVIE) SUPER: THE FRENCH RIVIERA INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY Elegant double doors with a brass plaque reading "Honeymoon Suite." A "Do Not-Disturb" sign hangs from the handle. INT. HOTEL SUITE FROM THE FIRST MOVIE: Austin and Vanessa snuggle in bed. She plays with his chest hair. VANESSA I love you, Mr. Powers. AUSTIN And I love you, Mrs. Powers. SHOT TO MATCH EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin gets out of bed. We see Vanessa putting on her robe from behind, and then EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa kiss. VANESSA Let's go out on the terrace. It's a beautiful night, we can look at the stars. EXT. HOTEL BALCONY EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa gaze at the stars. AUSTIN Look how beautiful the night sky is. VANESSA Isn't that the big dipper? AUSTIN Yeah, and that looks just like Uranus. VANESSA Austin! AUSTIN (sheepish) Well, you know. VANESSA Hey, I've never seen that big star before. AUSTIN Yeah, what is that? Austin pulls out his telescope and takes a look. AUSTIN'S POV - TELESCOPE EFFECT EXT. SPACE EXISTING SHOT: The Bob's Big Boy rocket. INT. DR. EVIL'S CAPSULE DR. EVIL This isn't over yet, Mr. Powers. I have one more trick up my sleeve, don't I Mr. Bigglesworth? The frozen Mr. Bigglesworth MEOWS. EXT. SPACE The Bob's Big Boy rocket. Suddenly, a hatch opens in Bob's rear end and Dr. Evil's silver egg capsule poops out. SFX: PLOOP! Capsule begins fiery re-entry to Earth INT. HOTEL ROOM Austin comes in and shuts the balcony door. AUSTIN Oh well, I guess it was nothing. A VANESSA DOUBLE crosses carrying a bouquet of flowers, which obscure her face. AUSTIN Care for some champagne? (pouring) Here's to monotony-- I mean, monogamy! Vanessa sits at the vanity with her back turned. AUSTIN Hello? Vanessa? What are you doing, luv? VANESSA (back turned) Just putting on my-- As Vanessa turns around she puts her hands up and PULLS OFF HER FACE revealing wires, transistors, and a speaker where her mouth should be. FEMBOT VANESSA (computer voice) MAKE-UP! AUSTIN (frightened) Vanessa, you're a Fembot! They fight. Midway through the fight, machine guns pop out of Vanessa's breasts. AUSTIN Machine gun jubblies, how did I miss those? VANESSA (robot voice) PERHAPS NEXT TIME YOU SHOULD TRY FOREPLAY. Her machine gun breasts FIRE, spraying the room in SLO-MO. Then they run out of ammo and CLICK, CLICK. Austin empties his gun into the robot, but to no avail. She rushes at him, he gives her a judo chop, also to no avail. Then Austin' notices a SELF-DESTRUCT switch and hits it. She starts to twitch, her head spins, and she EXPLODES. Fembot parts fly around the room. Austin sits on the bed, saddened. He holds Vanessa's hand, which has wires hanging out of it. On one of the fingers is her wedding ring. MUSIC: VERY SAD PIANO AUSTIN (very sad) I can't believe Vanessa, my bride, my one true love, the woman who taught me the beauty of sharing your whole life with another, the person who taught me the meaning of love, was a Fembot. How will I ever go on? (beat) Wait a tic! That means I'm single! Oh, behave! INT. LOBBY - HOTEL Rich European guests mill about the luxurious lobby. Suddenly, Austin dances through naked. Just as we are about to see his bits and pieces, a man lifts up his suitcase. AUSTIN Yeah, baby, I'm free! I'm naked and free! SEQUENCE CREDIT MUSIC: Soul Bassanova by QUINCY JONES PAN UP Austin's NAKED body as he walks down a boardwalk. Just as the camera reaches that most sensitive of areas, a credit appears STARRING MIKE MYERS. Austin gives a big 'who me?' and we FREEZE FRAME. EXT. BOARDWALK - FRENCH RIVERA European types stare and point. We see Austin from behind. His bottom half is blocked by a bicycle. The bicycle moves away. Just as Austin's bum is about to be revealed- A CREDIT APPEARS blocking it. Austin turns his head around to the camera and puts his hand to his mouth in an 'oh my!' take and we FREEZE FRAME. A MAN IN A RAINCOAT flashes Austin, his thingy blocked by a credit. Austin just laughs...crazy, man! Austin goes around a corner. A moment later he returns, followed by a NUDE MARCHING BAND. A SIGN on the left side of the screen reads "Warning! Nude Beach". Austin enters from the left. We see his naked, hairy torso from the waist up. Just as he is about to appear from behind the sign, a... CREDIT APPEARS MOVING LEFT TO RIGHT Blocking his penis lengthwise as he walks. NUDE BEACH - CREDIT SEQUENCE A girl sits on a blanket; a HORIZONTAL CREDIT blocks her bare chest. Austin lays on his back beside her, trying to be suave; A VERTICAL CREDIT appears. The wind blows away a kite, revealing a stark-naked girl. The credit "PRODUCTION DESIGN" blocks her chest; the credit "BY" blocks her you-know-what. Austin walks into frame; the "PRODUCTION DESIGNER'S NAME" disguises his growing interest. Austin joins a nude volleyball game in progress. CREDITS appear everywhere to block all possible combinations of nudity. People leap in all directions to make saves, causing CREDITS TO APPEAR at crazy angles. A pretty girl watches Austin lift weights. Her boobs are blocked by the "WRITTEN BY" credit. Austin lifts a dumbbell. The credit "MIKE MYERS" sticks out from his waist. Austin looks proud. A BUFF NAKED BODYBUILDER joins them. He lifts a much heavier weight. A much longer credit sticks out from his waist: "AND MICHAEL MCCULLERS". Austin pouts. Austin runs down the beach, his bum blocked by the credit "DIRECTED BY". He jumps on a trampoline and does the splits in mid-air: FREEZE FRAME AND PAN AROUND LIKE IN THE GAP "KHAKI SWING" AD. Austin smiles crazily, his penis blocked by "JAY ROACH." Austin does a super-duper double flip into his JAGUAR. AUSTIN Shaguar, baby, yeah! CU on the chrome script on the grill: it reads "Shaguar" where it would normally read "Jaguar". The car speeds off. FULL SCREEN TV JERRY SPRINGER SHOW On the stage we see a Klansman father and his Klansman son, a Nazi father and his Nazi son, and SCOTT EVIL all seated on a panel. Lower Third Chyron: "MY FATHER IS EVIL AND WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" JERRY SPRINGER If you just joined us, today's topic is "my father is evil and wants to take over the world". Now, Bobby, you had something you wanted to share with your father before the break. BOBBY Dad, I know you're against race mixing and all that, but I met someone... KLANSMAN Don't say it! The crowd WHOOPS. BOBBY I met someone... and he's black. The crowd goes crazy. KLANSMAN He? The Klansman holds his hooded head in his hands. JERRY SPRINGER Please welcome Tim. A handsome Blair Underwood look-alike enters and hugs the Klansman's son. The crowd screams. JERRY MOVES TO SCOTT EVIL. JERRY SPRINGER Now Scott, tell us about your father. Share with us. SCOTT Well he's the head of an evil organization that has aspirations for world domination. JERRY SPRINGER And where is your father right now? SCOTT He's in outer space, like frozen in a giant egg and stuffed inside a Big Boy rocket with his cat, Mr. Bigglesworth. JERRY SPRINGER Really? Well, we have a surprise for you, Scott. Let's bring out SCOTT'S father, Dr Evil. Dr Evil enters. Lower Third Chyron: "WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" DR. EVIL Hello Scott, I'm back. SCOTT I can't believe you'd do this to me on national television! DR. EVIL They offered me a free makeover. JERRY SPRINGER Dr. Evil, we've seen a lot of the fathers here today open up to their sons, sons to the fathers. Is there anything you'd like to share? DR. EVIL Share? JERRY SPRINGER Yes, don't you have any secrets? DR. EVIL OK. I have a vestigial tail. Everyone is a little grossed out. DR. EVIL It's more of a nub, really. The spine just goes on a little longer than it should. Also, I've dabbled. I mean, perform fellatio once and you're a poet, twice and you're a homosexual. I remember once I was being fisted by Sebastian Cabot- but here's where the story gets interesting. He was lactose-intolerant. He could eat red meat all night long, but one sip of milk and it was gastric hell. And I remember we were caught in fragrance delicto by Henry Kissinger, and you can imagine my humiliation at having Hank hear me say, "Mr. French, no teeth." One of my greatest disappointments is that I never became a song and dance man. I could have been a quadruple threat, kind of like a despotic Ken Barry. Dancer, singer, actor, and I would possess nuclear weapons, the latter being the most threatening of the four. I once sat on a bus and tried to will myself a menstrual cycle. All I ended up with was a sense of failure and a mild neuralgia in my incisor teeth and perhaps a grudging respect for the weaker sex. I love toe cleavage. For the most part I distrust dogs. I slept in a horse once. It was quite roomy. On second thought, it was the Ritz. I named my left testicle 'piss' and my right testicle 'vinegar'. I wrote "It's Raining Men", or so the Christmas babies told me. Oh yes, I also made a Marzipan voodoo effigy of The Fonze while I was in coma after smoking some Peruvian prayer hash, but who at the end of the day can honestly say they haven't done that? The Springer audience is stunned, slack-jawed and for once quiet. KLANSMAN What are you, some kind of freak? SCOTT Shut up, jagoff! Studio audience whoops at this. KLANSMAN I'll kick your ass punk! Crowd goes crazy. DR. EVIL No one talks to my boy that way! Dr. Evil charges at Klansman and starts to bitch slap him. Security men, with headsets on, rush in to separate them. DR. EVIL I'm OK, I'm OK. There is a BEAT, then Dr. Evil CHARGES the guy again, knocking him down. DR. EVIL Come Scott, let's go to daddy's new evil lair. EXT. WORLD HEADQUARTERS BUILDING - DAY We pan up a modern office building. The camera reaches the top of the building and we see a giant STARBUCKS LOGO and the words: Starbucks World Headquarters. INT. STARBUCKS BOARD ROOM The penthouse boardroom is adorned with Starbucks paraphernalia: large logo, clear canisters full of beans, and a large world map with a little logo everywhere there is a Starbucks. Around a large table are Dr. Evil, Number Two (bandaged and lightly spotted with soot), Frau, Scott and a couple of NEW HENCHMEN. A Starbucks employee serves everyone steaming hot coffee products. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, as the legitimate frontman of your organization, I seized upon the opportunity to invest in a small Seattle-based coffee company several years ago. Today, Starbucks is a far- flung empire with 2000 outlets worldwide. DR. EVIL Oh good, Number Two, I do enjoy a good cuppa joe. NUMBER TWO If I may continue, I believe if we shift our resources away from world domination and focus on providing premium quality coffee drinks, we can increase our gross profits fivefold. Dr. Evil takes a sip of cappuccino, leaving a WHITE FROTHY MILK MUSTACHE on his upper lip. DR. EVIL Right. Perhaps you've confused me with someone who gives a shit. Might I remind you that I run the show here? I demand a little respect. NUMBER TWO (indicating Dr. Evil's milk mustache) Dr. Evil, I think you-- DR. EVIL Silence! I will not tolerate your insolence! Remember what happened last time. FLASHBACK (FOOTAGE FROM FIRST MOVIE) Number Two disappears backwards into the fiery pit. INT. STARBUCKS WORLD HEADQUARTERS Number Two smiles weakly, breaking into a sweat on his brow. NUMBER TWO May I add, I appreciate you reinstating me after our little... misunderstanding. DR. EVIL Frau Farbissina. Wie gehts is einen? We see Frau. She looks a little more 'masculine' than before. FRAU Zehr gut, Herr Doctor. DR. EVIL How are things? FRAU I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak it's name. To my right is my lover. We see a severe-looking German woman with one continuous eyebrow. FRAU Her name is Unibrau. I met her on the LPGA Tour. DR. EVIL Right on. Welcome, Unibrau. Dr. Evil takes another sip of cappuccino, making the frothy milk mustache even larger. FRAU Doctor, you have a 'milk mustache.' DR. EVIL (wiping it off, embarrassed) Oh, I know. I know. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I'd like to introduce the Greek assassin, Oedipus. We see a swarthy Greek army guy. DR. EVIL Welcome to my private army, Oedipus. Excited? OEDIPUS I could give a shit. DR. EVIL Kiss your mother with that mouth? OEDIPUS Yes. DR. EVIL Of course you do. Dr Evil begins to press a button labelled "Oedipus" on his control panel, but Number Two interrupts. NUMBER TWO (clearing throat) Dr. Evil, as you know, the rate at which you liquidate henchmen far exceeds our ability to replace them. DR. EVIL I have so few pleasures left to me, Number Two. The key to life is to rotate your vices. One day it's executions, another day it's creamy French cheese. It's like frickin' heroin. NUMBER TWO Well, Dr. Evil, perhaps I have the answer. While you were frozen, we began a program to clone you. DR. EVIL Cool. NUMBER TWO We had a few glitches, but I think you'll be pleased with the results. FRAU (shouting) Send in the clone! MUSIC: dramatic sting We see the shadow of an approaching figure. The shadow looks like Dr. Evil, only much larger and scarier. NUMBER TWO He is identical to you in every way, except he is one-eighth your size. We see that the source of the shadow is a MINIATURE DR. EVIL, just like the creepy mini-Marlon Brando in The Island of Dr. Moreau. He mimics Dr. Evil's mannerisms including holding his tiny pinky to his tiny mouth. DR. EVIL Breathtaking. I shall call him Mini- Me. (to clone) Mini-Me, you will sit to my right. Mini-Me sits down in a miniature version of Dr. Evil's command chair. DR. EVIL Come Mr. Bigglesworth! The bald Mr. Bigglesworth runs and jumps into Dr. Evil's lap. A bald MR. BIGGLESWORTH KITTEN jumps into Mini-Me's lap. DR. EVIL Mini-me, something to eat? (expectant pause) No? (pause) OK. (to room) Tired. Gentleman, I have a plan. As you know, the most powerful man in the world is the President of the United States. But he is just that- a man, subject to temptations of the flesh like any other man. Here's what we do: we make it seem that the President has had "extra-marital oral relations" with- and this is the kicker- DRAMATIC STING, SNAP ZOOM TO DR. EVIL. DR. EVIL With a White House intern! Dr. Evil gloats. So does Mini-Me. NUMBER TWO (clearing his throat) Uh-hem. DR. EVIL What, that already happened? Number Two nods. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous. Oh well, how about a frickin' time machine? Does the president have a time machine? Have I been scooped on that? NUMBER TWO No, not that I'm aware of. DR. EVIL Alright, time machine it is. As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen? SCOTT Because you never kill him when you get the chance and you're a dope? Mini-Me hops upon the table and tries to push the "Scott Evil" button on Dr. Evil's control panel. Frau SQUIRTS him with a water bottle. Mini-Me glares at Scott and GIVES HIM THE FINGER. DR. EVIL No, because Austin Powers has "mojo". NUMBER TWO Mojo? FRAU Yes, mojo. The mojo is the life force, the essence, the libido, the "right stuff". DR. EVIL It's what the French call a certain 'I don't know what.' SCOTT If you've got a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill Austin Powers when he's a baby or something? DR. EVIL No, no, no. NUMBER TWO (interrupting) Dr. Evil, wouldn't it be easier to use your knowledge of the future to play the stock market? We could literally make trillions. DR. EVIL (smug laugh to himself) Why make trillions when we could make... (pause) Billions? NUMBER TWO Excuse me? DR. EVIL Why think small is all I'm saying. SCOTT A trillion is more than a billion, numb-nuts. DR. EVIL Zip it. Unveil the time portal! A wall panel opens to reveal a Stargate-like wall of shimmering energy. DR. EVIL Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the time portal. As you know, Austin Powers was frozen in 1967. Therefore, I time travel to 1969, two years after he was frozen. Security will be lax and I'll strike when he is totally helpless. First, I take Austin Powers' mojo. Then I begin my domination of the world. SCOTT Can I come? DR. EVIL No, Scott, Daddy has a score to settle. Austin Powers is the snake to my mongoose, or the mongoose to my snake. Either way it's bad, I don't know animals. But I do know this: This time it's personal. Frau, Number 2, I'll see you both in 1969. Come, Mini-Me. Dr. Evil walks to the portal. Mini-Me follows, imitating him perfectly. They enter the portal. There is a FREEZE FRAME effect and they FADE AWAY, like in Star Trek. INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - Dr. Evil and Mini-Me emerge on the other side of the portal into a NEW LAIR. It is a large hollowed-out volcano room dominated by chrome conduits and tasteful art pieces. A younger Frau sits with NUMBER TWO, now played by ROB LOWE in an eye-patch. DR. EVIL Ah, here we are Mini-Me, 1969. Number Two, you look very youthful and healthy. (turning to Frau) And Frau you look...right. As Dr. Evil walks to the center of the room, chairs rise from the floor. Everyone takes a seat, but Dr. Evil gets caught in the middle as chairs rise around him. He is frightened. One of the rising chairs hits him in the crotch. DR. EVIL OK, people, we now officially have a chair problem. If another one of these chairs hits me in the nuts, I'm gonna go postal. Mini-Me, I want you to meet Number Two. NUMBER TWO Hello there. Mini-me says nothing. DR. EVIL Mini-Me? Mini-me still says nothing. DR. EVIL Shy. Low blood sugar. (to room) Gentlemen, Phase Two is beginning. I have an operative inside the Ministry of Defense. By this time tomorrow, Austin Powers' mojo will be mine. Dr. Evil goes over and looks out the large window. DR. EVIL (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! EXT. DR. EVIL'S TROPICAL ISLAND - We cut outside to see that window is in fact the left eye of a Mt. Rushmore-type depiction of Dr. Evil carved into the side of a volcano on a tropical island. DR. EVIL (V.O.) (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! INT. MOD - CRYOGENIC FREEZING ROOM - We see Austin's FROZEN BODY in cryogenic storage. Above it, we see two digital clocks. One reads: CURRENT DATE: MAY 25, 1969, the other reads: DATE FROZEN: NOVEMBER 11, 1967. One of the SCOTS GUARDS, is an IMMENSELY FAT SCOTTISH SOLDIER (played by Mike Myers). BRITISH COLONEL We've had reports that there's a spy in the Ministry of Defense. The contents of this room are vital to the country. Be on special alert. FAT SOLDIER (thick Scottish accent) Those bastards will have to kill me before I let anything happen to this wee naked hairy popsicle, sir! BRITISH COLONEL Very good. And try and lose some weight for God's sake! They exchange salutes and the Colonel exits. FAT SOLDIER Yessir! (sotto after the Colonel) I outta smash your teeth out with a Toffee Hammer Mr. English Colonel Telling-Me-What-To-Do-And-Stealing- our-Oil-Refusing-To-Recognize- our- Scottish-Independence! The Fat Soldier begins to play the BAGPIPES, a white vapor comes out of them, filling the room. The other soldiers COLLAPSE, unconscious. He bores through the ice and pulls out a Sixties high-tech syringe type device with an LED graph on the side. He places it in Austin's navel. The LED meter goes from red to green, indicating FULL MOJO. EXT./INT. AUSTIN'S SHAGUAR - DRIVING - DAY Austin drives in MODERN TRAFFIC. He is drinking a STARBUCKS COFFEE and listening to the Jag's in-dash CD PLAYER. Suddenly Austin DROOPS. The car starts to sputter. The fuel gauge reads empty. AUSTIN Gor blimey, I'm on empty! That's funny, I just filled the Shaguar up this morning. Austin hits a button on the dashboard. BASIL EXPOSITION appears on the picture phone in the dash. BASIL EXPOSITION (on picture phone) Hello, I'm Basil Exposition, head of British Intelligence. AUSTIN You always are, Basil. Listen, the weirdest thing just happened, I've run out of petrol. BASIL EXPOSITION We'll send a man around immediately. How was your honeymoon? AUSTIN Vanessa tried to kill me, Basil. She was a Fembot! BASIL EXPOSITION Ah women, who can understand them? Moving on, let's discuss your new case. AUSTIN New case? Very shagadelic, Basil! BASIL EXPOSITION You'll be doing a photo shoot. We know that one of the models is an ex- KGB agent selling top secret material to the highest bidder. AUSTIN That sounds easy enough, you know what they say: all work and no shagging makes Austin a dull boy, man! INT. SKI LODGE Austin sets up his photo equipment. The room is decorated in classic Heffner- bear skin rugs, leather chairs, roaring fire. AUSTIN (looking around) Tres chic, baby. REG, the photo assistant, enters. REG Austin, the models are ready. AUSTIN Ta, Reg. Bless your cotton socks. Hey, Reg, do you have any hobbies? REG What? AUSTIN Hobbies, man! I for one enjoy making models! The models make their entrance. They are REAL SUPERMODELS, say CINDY CRAWFORD, REBECCA ROMAJIN and also one MODEL we don't know. SUPERMODELS (circling Austin) It's him! Oh my God! It's Austin Powers! Austin shoots a look to Reg like 'still got it, baby.' AUSTIN One at a time, girls. One. At. A. Time! CINDY Hi, I'm Cindy. I don't believe I've had the pleasure. AUSTIN Of course you haven't had "The Pleasure", we just met, baby, yeah! REBECCA How do you do, Austin? I'm Rebecca. (indicating the photo gear) Your equipment is quite impressive. AUSTIN Thank you. Your breasts are amazing. Austin comes to the unknown model. She is tall and angular. AUSTIN And what's your name, baby? MODEL (thick Russian accent) Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN Excuse me? IVANA Ivana. Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN And I vanna toilet made of solid gold but it's just not in the cards, now is it? Austin looks over the girls, trying to decide who is the spy. AUSTIN (V.O.) (inner monologue) Now, which one is the Russian spy? Cindy Crawford, Rebecca Romajin... or Ivana Humpalot? Think, man, think! Austin begins snapping pictures. The sequence is shot like a photo shoot, with freeze frames, etc. AUSTIN Alright, baby! Love it. Turn and pout for me baby! Smashing! Cindy gets on all fours. AUSTIN Great, darling. Give me some shoulder. Yes, yes, yes. (angry) No! No! FULL FRAME, cover of Vogue. Cindy with her head framed out. AUSTIN (to Rebecca) Show me love. Smashing! You're an animal. You're a tiger. Be a tiger, baby! You're great! You're Grrrrrr- eat! You're Tony, be corn flakes, baby, be frosted. Now be a lemur, baby! You're a ring-tailed lemur. Rebecca looks confused. REBECCA A lemur? AUSTIN A small mammal native to the African savannah. C'mon baby, you know. Like this! (imitating lemur) OK, predator coming! Now, burrow, burrow! You're a lemur. It's all you've got. (beat) I take it back. Be a tiger again. Smashing! FULL FRAME, Rebecca on the cover of National--Geographic. AUSTIN And... done! I'm spent! Austin throws his camera to Reg, who catches it. REG Hel-lo, you forgot about Ivana. AUSTIN I didn't forget, baby. Miss Humpalot and I are going to have a 'private session'. Reg shows the girls out as they PROTEST. Austin and Ivana are left alone. Austin CLAPS TWICE and the lights dim. He CLAPS again and the fire goes up. MUSIC: I'm Never Going To Fall in Love Again by BURT BACHARACH IVANA When did you get "The Clapper"? AUSTIN November, 1964, Dutch East Indies, shore leave. IVANA Are you cold, Mr. Powers? AUSTIN I once had a bad experience with frostbite. I had to dip my tadger into a brandy snifter. Ivana moves over to a chessboard set up nearby. IVANA Do you know how we keep warm in Russia? AUSTIN I can guess, baby. IVANA We play chess. AUSTIN I guessed wrong. IVANA It takes a keen intelligence to play chess. Of course, you know what they say about men with big brains, don't you? AUSTIN They wear large hats? IVANA No, they make better lovers. AUSTIN Wrong again. Ivana starts playing with the chess pieces sexily (like in The Thomas Crowne Affair). IVANA I assume you know how to play. She runs the bishop across her lips sexily. AUSTIN Of course. The... horsey... moves in an L shape. Austin tries to match her sexy moves and CHOKES on a piece. AUSTIN Let's stop playing games with each other... especially difficult ones. May I ask you a question, Miss Humpalot? IVANA Of course. AUSTIN Do I make you horny? Do I? Austin rolls around on the polar bear rug. IVANA I'll tell you anything you want to know, just make love to me. She pulls his shirt off, revealing his prodigious chest hair. IVANA You are hairy, like an animal! AUSTIN (growling and barking) Grrrr, baby. Austin takes the head of the bear skin rug. AUSTIN Grrrr. Ruf! Ruf! (covers the bear's eyes) Wait a tick, I don't want him watching me while I'm on the job! IVANA Make love to me, monkey man. AUSTIN Groovy, baby! We pan around the room, seeing all the stuffed and mounted wildlife who seem to be watching. Suddenly the camera stops. So does the music. IVANA (O.S.) What's the matter? CUT TO: MONTAGE - VARIOUS STOCK FOOTAGE A tall flower wilts and beds over. A souffle falls. A flag is lowered to half mast. A giant redwood falls in a forest. A hot air balloon deflates and falls. An actual scientific diagram of a penis in the refractory period. INT. LODGE AUSTIN (to camera) Crikey, I've lost my mojo. EXT. LONDON STREETS (STOCK FOOTAGE) An ambulance races through the streets, SIREN BLARING. EXT. MINISTRY OF DEFENSE SUPER: "MINISTRY OF DEFENSE" INT. MOD - HALLWAY Basil hurries through, pushing past TECHNICIANS and WORKERS. BASIL EXPOSITION Where is he? In here? INT. MOD - LAB Basil enters. Cross between a hospital room and a lab. Austin lies in bed hooked up to lots of monitoring equipment. BASIL EXPOSITION Austin, I came as soon as I heard. AUSTIN There must be some kind of mistake, Basil. Maybe I was drunk and I didn't know it. Austin holds his neck very stiffly. BASIL EXPOSITION What's wrong with your neck, Austin? AUSTIN (turning stiffly to face Basil) I took a Viagra and it got caught in my throat. I've had a stiff neck for hours. Basil, is it true? Have I lost my mojo? BASIL EXPOSITION We're going to run a few tests, Austin. Don't worry, old friend, we'll get to the bottom of this. INT. MRI MACHINE Austin is being loaded into one of those big scary MRI machines: the MOJONATOR 9000. The mojo meter reads VERY LOW. INT. MOD LAB MONTAGE (TIME-LAPSE): Technicians in white suits and masks transform the room into a love lair: A pair of Latex-gloved hands carefully puts a BURT BACHARACH record on a turntable. Examination lights are replaced with LAVA LAMPS. A tray is brought in with a videotape marked "SWEDISH EDUCATIONAL FILM." Finally, the transformation is complete. Austin lies in bed reading a vintage PLAYBOY. A CANDY STRIPE NURSE enters, very pretty, in a tight outfit. NURSE Excuse me, Mr. Powers, I need to give you a sponge bath before we begin the test. AUSTIN (not paying attention to her) Alright, miss, just let me finish this article on the Suez crisis. An ALARM goes off. Bright LIGHTS come on. Basil enters. AUSTIN What's going on? BASIL EXPOSITION Alright, everyone, we're done. AUSTIN But the test hasn't even started!

manage

How many times the word 'manage' appears in the text?

Austin Powers - The Spy Who Shagged Me Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME By Mike Myers MUSIC: timpani roll and dramatic sting NARRATOR In his last adventure, Austin Powers, a swinging spy from the Sixties, was unfrozen in the Nineties to battle his archenemy Dr. Evil. Austin foiled Dr. Evil's plan to send a nuclear warhead to the center of the earth and banished him into space forever. Or so he thought. EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT (ESTABLISHING SHOT FROM FIRST MOVIE) SUPER: THE FRENCH RIVIERA INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY Elegant double doors with a brass plaque reading "Honeymoon Suite." A "Do Not-Disturb" sign hangs from the handle. INT. HOTEL SUITE FROM THE FIRST MOVIE: Austin and Vanessa snuggle in bed. She plays with his chest hair. VANESSA I love you, Mr. Powers. AUSTIN And I love you, Mrs. Powers. SHOT TO MATCH EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin gets out of bed. We see Vanessa putting on her robe from behind, and then EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa kiss. VANESSA Let's go out on the terrace. It's a beautiful night, we can look at the stars. EXT. HOTEL BALCONY EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa gaze at the stars. AUSTIN Look how beautiful the night sky is. VANESSA Isn't that the big dipper? AUSTIN Yeah, and that looks just like Uranus. VANESSA Austin! AUSTIN (sheepish) Well, you know. VANESSA Hey, I've never seen that big star before. AUSTIN Yeah, what is that? Austin pulls out his telescope and takes a look. AUSTIN'S POV - TELESCOPE EFFECT EXT. SPACE EXISTING SHOT: The Bob's Big Boy rocket. INT. DR. EVIL'S CAPSULE DR. EVIL This isn't over yet, Mr. Powers. I have one more trick up my sleeve, don't I Mr. Bigglesworth? The frozen Mr. Bigglesworth MEOWS. EXT. SPACE The Bob's Big Boy rocket. Suddenly, a hatch opens in Bob's rear end and Dr. Evil's silver egg capsule poops out. SFX: PLOOP! Capsule begins fiery re-entry to Earth INT. HOTEL ROOM Austin comes in and shuts the balcony door. AUSTIN Oh well, I guess it was nothing. A VANESSA DOUBLE crosses carrying a bouquet of flowers, which obscure her face. AUSTIN Care for some champagne? (pouring) Here's to monotony-- I mean, monogamy! Vanessa sits at the vanity with her back turned. AUSTIN Hello? Vanessa? What are you doing, luv? VANESSA (back turned) Just putting on my-- As Vanessa turns around she puts her hands up and PULLS OFF HER FACE revealing wires, transistors, and a speaker where her mouth should be. FEMBOT VANESSA (computer voice) MAKE-UP! AUSTIN (frightened) Vanessa, you're a Fembot! They fight. Midway through the fight, machine guns pop out of Vanessa's breasts. AUSTIN Machine gun jubblies, how did I miss those? VANESSA (robot voice) PERHAPS NEXT TIME YOU SHOULD TRY FOREPLAY. Her machine gun breasts FIRE, spraying the room in SLO-MO. Then they run out of ammo and CLICK, CLICK. Austin empties his gun into the robot, but to no avail. She rushes at him, he gives her a judo chop, also to no avail. Then Austin' notices a SELF-DESTRUCT switch and hits it. She starts to twitch, her head spins, and she EXPLODES. Fembot parts fly around the room. Austin sits on the bed, saddened. He holds Vanessa's hand, which has wires hanging out of it. On one of the fingers is her wedding ring. MUSIC: VERY SAD PIANO AUSTIN (very sad) I can't believe Vanessa, my bride, my one true love, the woman who taught me the beauty of sharing your whole life with another, the person who taught me the meaning of love, was a Fembot. How will I ever go on? (beat) Wait a tic! That means I'm single! Oh, behave! INT. LOBBY - HOTEL Rich European guests mill about the luxurious lobby. Suddenly, Austin dances through naked. Just as we are about to see his bits and pieces, a man lifts up his suitcase. AUSTIN Yeah, baby, I'm free! I'm naked and free! SEQUENCE CREDIT MUSIC: Soul Bassanova by QUINCY JONES PAN UP Austin's NAKED body as he walks down a boardwalk. Just as the camera reaches that most sensitive of areas, a credit appears STARRING MIKE MYERS. Austin gives a big 'who me?' and we FREEZE FRAME. EXT. BOARDWALK - FRENCH RIVERA European types stare and point. We see Austin from behind. His bottom half is blocked by a bicycle. The bicycle moves away. Just as Austin's bum is about to be revealed- A CREDIT APPEARS blocking it. Austin turns his head around to the camera and puts his hand to his mouth in an 'oh my!' take and we FREEZE FRAME. A MAN IN A RAINCOAT flashes Austin, his thingy blocked by a credit. Austin just laughs...crazy, man! Austin goes around a corner. A moment later he returns, followed by a NUDE MARCHING BAND. A SIGN on the left side of the screen reads "Warning! Nude Beach". Austin enters from the left. We see his naked, hairy torso from the waist up. Just as he is about to appear from behind the sign, a... CREDIT APPEARS MOVING LEFT TO RIGHT Blocking his penis lengthwise as he walks. NUDE BEACH - CREDIT SEQUENCE A girl sits on a blanket; a HORIZONTAL CREDIT blocks her bare chest. Austin lays on his back beside her, trying to be suave; A VERTICAL CREDIT appears. The wind blows away a kite, revealing a stark-naked girl. The credit "PRODUCTION DESIGN" blocks her chest; the credit "BY" blocks her you-know-what. Austin walks into frame; the "PRODUCTION DESIGNER'S NAME" disguises his growing interest. Austin joins a nude volleyball game in progress. CREDITS appear everywhere to block all possible combinations of nudity. People leap in all directions to make saves, causing CREDITS TO APPEAR at crazy angles. A pretty girl watches Austin lift weights. Her boobs are blocked by the "WRITTEN BY" credit. Austin lifts a dumbbell. The credit "MIKE MYERS" sticks out from his waist. Austin looks proud. A BUFF NAKED BODYBUILDER joins them. He lifts a much heavier weight. A much longer credit sticks out from his waist: "AND MICHAEL MCCULLERS". Austin pouts. Austin runs down the beach, his bum blocked by the credit "DIRECTED BY". He jumps on a trampoline and does the splits in mid-air: FREEZE FRAME AND PAN AROUND LIKE IN THE GAP "KHAKI SWING" AD. Austin smiles crazily, his penis blocked by "JAY ROACH." Austin does a super-duper double flip into his JAGUAR. AUSTIN Shaguar, baby, yeah! CU on the chrome script on the grill: it reads "Shaguar" where it would normally read "Jaguar". The car speeds off. FULL SCREEN TV JERRY SPRINGER SHOW On the stage we see a Klansman father and his Klansman son, a Nazi father and his Nazi son, and SCOTT EVIL all seated on a panel. Lower Third Chyron: "MY FATHER IS EVIL AND WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" JERRY SPRINGER If you just joined us, today's topic is "my father is evil and wants to take over the world". Now, Bobby, you had something you wanted to share with your father before the break. BOBBY Dad, I know you're against race mixing and all that, but I met someone... KLANSMAN Don't say it! The crowd WHOOPS. BOBBY I met someone... and he's black. The crowd goes crazy. KLANSMAN He? The Klansman holds his hooded head in his hands. JERRY SPRINGER Please welcome Tim. A handsome Blair Underwood look-alike enters and hugs the Klansman's son. The crowd screams. JERRY MOVES TO SCOTT EVIL. JERRY SPRINGER Now Scott, tell us about your father. Share with us. SCOTT Well he's the head of an evil organization that has aspirations for world domination. JERRY SPRINGER And where is your father right now? SCOTT He's in outer space, like frozen in a giant egg and stuffed inside a Big Boy rocket with his cat, Mr. Bigglesworth. JERRY SPRINGER Really? Well, we have a surprise for you, Scott. Let's bring out SCOTT'S father, Dr Evil. Dr Evil enters. Lower Third Chyron: "WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" DR. EVIL Hello Scott, I'm back. SCOTT I can't believe you'd do this to me on national television! DR. EVIL They offered me a free makeover. JERRY SPRINGER Dr. Evil, we've seen a lot of the fathers here today open up to their sons, sons to the fathers. Is there anything you'd like to share? DR. EVIL Share? JERRY SPRINGER Yes, don't you have any secrets? DR. EVIL OK. I have a vestigial tail. Everyone is a little grossed out. DR. EVIL It's more of a nub, really. The spine just goes on a little longer than it should. Also, I've dabbled. I mean, perform fellatio once and you're a poet, twice and you're a homosexual. I remember once I was being fisted by Sebastian Cabot- but here's where the story gets interesting. He was lactose-intolerant. He could eat red meat all night long, but one sip of milk and it was gastric hell. And I remember we were caught in fragrance delicto by Henry Kissinger, and you can imagine my humiliation at having Hank hear me say, "Mr. French, no teeth." One of my greatest disappointments is that I never became a song and dance man. I could have been a quadruple threat, kind of like a despotic Ken Barry. Dancer, singer, actor, and I would possess nuclear weapons, the latter being the most threatening of the four. I once sat on a bus and tried to will myself a menstrual cycle. All I ended up with was a sense of failure and a mild neuralgia in my incisor teeth and perhaps a grudging respect for the weaker sex. I love toe cleavage. For the most part I distrust dogs. I slept in a horse once. It was quite roomy. On second thought, it was the Ritz. I named my left testicle 'piss' and my right testicle 'vinegar'. I wrote "It's Raining Men", or so the Christmas babies told me. Oh yes, I also made a Marzipan voodoo effigy of The Fonze while I was in coma after smoking some Peruvian prayer hash, but who at the end of the day can honestly say they haven't done that? The Springer audience is stunned, slack-jawed and for once quiet. KLANSMAN What are you, some kind of freak? SCOTT Shut up, jagoff! Studio audience whoops at this. KLANSMAN I'll kick your ass punk! Crowd goes crazy. DR. EVIL No one talks to my boy that way! Dr. Evil charges at Klansman and starts to bitch slap him. Security men, with headsets on, rush in to separate them. DR. EVIL I'm OK, I'm OK. There is a BEAT, then Dr. Evil CHARGES the guy again, knocking him down. DR. EVIL Come Scott, let's go to daddy's new evil lair. EXT. WORLD HEADQUARTERS BUILDING - DAY We pan up a modern office building. The camera reaches the top of the building and we see a giant STARBUCKS LOGO and the words: Starbucks World Headquarters. INT. STARBUCKS BOARD ROOM The penthouse boardroom is adorned with Starbucks paraphernalia: large logo, clear canisters full of beans, and a large world map with a little logo everywhere there is a Starbucks. Around a large table are Dr. Evil, Number Two (bandaged and lightly spotted with soot), Frau, Scott and a couple of NEW HENCHMEN. A Starbucks employee serves everyone steaming hot coffee products. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, as the legitimate frontman of your organization, I seized upon the opportunity to invest in a small Seattle-based coffee company several years ago. Today, Starbucks is a far- flung empire with 2000 outlets worldwide. DR. EVIL Oh good, Number Two, I do enjoy a good cuppa joe. NUMBER TWO If I may continue, I believe if we shift our resources away from world domination and focus on providing premium quality coffee drinks, we can increase our gross profits fivefold. Dr. Evil takes a sip of cappuccino, leaving a WHITE FROTHY MILK MUSTACHE on his upper lip. DR. EVIL Right. Perhaps you've confused me with someone who gives a shit. Might I remind you that I run the show here? I demand a little respect. NUMBER TWO (indicating Dr. Evil's milk mustache) Dr. Evil, I think you-- DR. EVIL Silence! I will not tolerate your insolence! Remember what happened last time. FLASHBACK (FOOTAGE FROM FIRST MOVIE) Number Two disappears backwards into the fiery pit. INT. STARBUCKS WORLD HEADQUARTERS Number Two smiles weakly, breaking into a sweat on his brow. NUMBER TWO May I add, I appreciate you reinstating me after our little... misunderstanding. DR. EVIL Frau Farbissina. Wie gehts is einen? We see Frau. She looks a little more 'masculine' than before. FRAU Zehr gut, Herr Doctor. DR. EVIL How are things? FRAU I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak it's name. To my right is my lover. We see a severe-looking German woman with one continuous eyebrow. FRAU Her name is Unibrau. I met her on the LPGA Tour. DR. EVIL Right on. Welcome, Unibrau. Dr. Evil takes another sip of cappuccino, making the frothy milk mustache even larger. FRAU Doctor, you have a 'milk mustache.' DR. EVIL (wiping it off, embarrassed) Oh, I know. I know. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I'd like to introduce the Greek assassin, Oedipus. We see a swarthy Greek army guy. DR. EVIL Welcome to my private army, Oedipus. Excited? OEDIPUS I could give a shit. DR. EVIL Kiss your mother with that mouth? OEDIPUS Yes. DR. EVIL Of course you do. Dr Evil begins to press a button labelled "Oedipus" on his control panel, but Number Two interrupts. NUMBER TWO (clearing throat) Dr. Evil, as you know, the rate at which you liquidate henchmen far exceeds our ability to replace them. DR. EVIL I have so few pleasures left to me, Number Two. The key to life is to rotate your vices. One day it's executions, another day it's creamy French cheese. It's like frickin' heroin. NUMBER TWO Well, Dr. Evil, perhaps I have the answer. While you were frozen, we began a program to clone you. DR. EVIL Cool. NUMBER TWO We had a few glitches, but I think you'll be pleased with the results. FRAU (shouting) Send in the clone! MUSIC: dramatic sting We see the shadow of an approaching figure. The shadow looks like Dr. Evil, only much larger and scarier. NUMBER TWO He is identical to you in every way, except he is one-eighth your size. We see that the source of the shadow is a MINIATURE DR. EVIL, just like the creepy mini-Marlon Brando in The Island of Dr. Moreau. He mimics Dr. Evil's mannerisms including holding his tiny pinky to his tiny mouth. DR. EVIL Breathtaking. I shall call him Mini- Me. (to clone) Mini-Me, you will sit to my right. Mini-Me sits down in a miniature version of Dr. Evil's command chair. DR. EVIL Come Mr. Bigglesworth! The bald Mr. Bigglesworth runs and jumps into Dr. Evil's lap. A bald MR. BIGGLESWORTH KITTEN jumps into Mini-Me's lap. DR. EVIL Mini-me, something to eat? (expectant pause) No? (pause) OK. (to room) Tired. Gentleman, I have a plan. As you know, the most powerful man in the world is the President of the United States. But he is just that- a man, subject to temptations of the flesh like any other man. Here's what we do: we make it seem that the President has had "extra-marital oral relations" with- and this is the kicker- DRAMATIC STING, SNAP ZOOM TO DR. EVIL. DR. EVIL With a White House intern! Dr. Evil gloats. So does Mini-Me. NUMBER TWO (clearing his throat) Uh-hem. DR. EVIL What, that already happened? Number Two nods. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous. Oh well, how about a frickin' time machine? Does the president have a time machine? Have I been scooped on that? NUMBER TWO No, not that I'm aware of. DR. EVIL Alright, time machine it is. As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen? SCOTT Because you never kill him when you get the chance and you're a dope? Mini-Me hops upon the table and tries to push the "Scott Evil" button on Dr. Evil's control panel. Frau SQUIRTS him with a water bottle. Mini-Me glares at Scott and GIVES HIM THE FINGER. DR. EVIL No, because Austin Powers has "mojo". NUMBER TWO Mojo? FRAU Yes, mojo. The mojo is the life force, the essence, the libido, the "right stuff". DR. EVIL It's what the French call a certain 'I don't know what.' SCOTT If you've got a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill Austin Powers when he's a baby or something? DR. EVIL No, no, no. NUMBER TWO (interrupting) Dr. Evil, wouldn't it be easier to use your knowledge of the future to play the stock market? We could literally make trillions. DR. EVIL (smug laugh to himself) Why make trillions when we could make... (pause) Billions? NUMBER TWO Excuse me? DR. EVIL Why think small is all I'm saying. SCOTT A trillion is more than a billion, numb-nuts. DR. EVIL Zip it. Unveil the time portal! A wall panel opens to reveal a Stargate-like wall of shimmering energy. DR. EVIL Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the time portal. As you know, Austin Powers was frozen in 1967. Therefore, I time travel to 1969, two years after he was frozen. Security will be lax and I'll strike when he is totally helpless. First, I take Austin Powers' mojo. Then I begin my domination of the world. SCOTT Can I come? DR. EVIL No, Scott, Daddy has a score to settle. Austin Powers is the snake to my mongoose, or the mongoose to my snake. Either way it's bad, I don't know animals. But I do know this: This time it's personal. Frau, Number 2, I'll see you both in 1969. Come, Mini-Me. Dr. Evil walks to the portal. Mini-Me follows, imitating him perfectly. They enter the portal. There is a FREEZE FRAME effect and they FADE AWAY, like in Star Trek. INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - Dr. Evil and Mini-Me emerge on the other side of the portal into a NEW LAIR. It is a large hollowed-out volcano room dominated by chrome conduits and tasteful art pieces. A younger Frau sits with NUMBER TWO, now played by ROB LOWE in an eye-patch. DR. EVIL Ah, here we are Mini-Me, 1969. Number Two, you look very youthful and healthy. (turning to Frau) And Frau you look...right. As Dr. Evil walks to the center of the room, chairs rise from the floor. Everyone takes a seat, but Dr. Evil gets caught in the middle as chairs rise around him. He is frightened. One of the rising chairs hits him in the crotch. DR. EVIL OK, people, we now officially have a chair problem. If another one of these chairs hits me in the nuts, I'm gonna go postal. Mini-Me, I want you to meet Number Two. NUMBER TWO Hello there. Mini-me says nothing. DR. EVIL Mini-Me? Mini-me still says nothing. DR. EVIL Shy. Low blood sugar. (to room) Gentlemen, Phase Two is beginning. I have an operative inside the Ministry of Defense. By this time tomorrow, Austin Powers' mojo will be mine. Dr. Evil goes over and looks out the large window. DR. EVIL (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! EXT. DR. EVIL'S TROPICAL ISLAND - We cut outside to see that window is in fact the left eye of a Mt. Rushmore-type depiction of Dr. Evil carved into the side of a volcano on a tropical island. DR. EVIL (V.O.) (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! INT. MOD - CRYOGENIC FREEZING ROOM - We see Austin's FROZEN BODY in cryogenic storage. Above it, we see two digital clocks. One reads: CURRENT DATE: MAY 25, 1969, the other reads: DATE FROZEN: NOVEMBER 11, 1967. One of the SCOTS GUARDS, is an IMMENSELY FAT SCOTTISH SOLDIER (played by Mike Myers). BRITISH COLONEL We've had reports that there's a spy in the Ministry of Defense. The contents of this room are vital to the country. Be on special alert. FAT SOLDIER (thick Scottish accent) Those bastards will have to kill me before I let anything happen to this wee naked hairy popsicle, sir! BRITISH COLONEL Very good. And try and lose some weight for God's sake! They exchange salutes and the Colonel exits. FAT SOLDIER Yessir! (sotto after the Colonel) I outta smash your teeth out with a Toffee Hammer Mr. English Colonel Telling-Me-What-To-Do-And-Stealing- our-Oil-Refusing-To-Recognize- our- Scottish-Independence! The Fat Soldier begins to play the BAGPIPES, a white vapor comes out of them, filling the room. The other soldiers COLLAPSE, unconscious. He bores through the ice and pulls out a Sixties high-tech syringe type device with an LED graph on the side. He places it in Austin's navel. The LED meter goes from red to green, indicating FULL MOJO. EXT./INT. AUSTIN'S SHAGUAR - DRIVING - DAY Austin drives in MODERN TRAFFIC. He is drinking a STARBUCKS COFFEE and listening to the Jag's in-dash CD PLAYER. Suddenly Austin DROOPS. The car starts to sputter. The fuel gauge reads empty. AUSTIN Gor blimey, I'm on empty! That's funny, I just filled the Shaguar up this morning. Austin hits a button on the dashboard. BASIL EXPOSITION appears on the picture phone in the dash. BASIL EXPOSITION (on picture phone) Hello, I'm Basil Exposition, head of British Intelligence. AUSTIN You always are, Basil. Listen, the weirdest thing just happened, I've run out of petrol. BASIL EXPOSITION We'll send a man around immediately. How was your honeymoon? AUSTIN Vanessa tried to kill me, Basil. She was a Fembot! BASIL EXPOSITION Ah women, who can understand them? Moving on, let's discuss your new case. AUSTIN New case? Very shagadelic, Basil! BASIL EXPOSITION You'll be doing a photo shoot. We know that one of the models is an ex- KGB agent selling top secret material to the highest bidder. AUSTIN That sounds easy enough, you know what they say: all work and no shagging makes Austin a dull boy, man! INT. SKI LODGE Austin sets up his photo equipment. The room is decorated in classic Heffner- bear skin rugs, leather chairs, roaring fire. AUSTIN (looking around) Tres chic, baby. REG, the photo assistant, enters. REG Austin, the models are ready. AUSTIN Ta, Reg. Bless your cotton socks. Hey, Reg, do you have any hobbies? REG What? AUSTIN Hobbies, man! I for one enjoy making models! The models make their entrance. They are REAL SUPERMODELS, say CINDY CRAWFORD, REBECCA ROMAJIN and also one MODEL we don't know. SUPERMODELS (circling Austin) It's him! Oh my God! It's Austin Powers! Austin shoots a look to Reg like 'still got it, baby.' AUSTIN One at a time, girls. One. At. A. Time! CINDY Hi, I'm Cindy. I don't believe I've had the pleasure. AUSTIN Of course you haven't had "The Pleasure", we just met, baby, yeah! REBECCA How do you do, Austin? I'm Rebecca. (indicating the photo gear) Your equipment is quite impressive. AUSTIN Thank you. Your breasts are amazing. Austin comes to the unknown model. She is tall and angular. AUSTIN And what's your name, baby? MODEL (thick Russian accent) Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN Excuse me? IVANA Ivana. Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN And I vanna toilet made of solid gold but it's just not in the cards, now is it? Austin looks over the girls, trying to decide who is the spy. AUSTIN (V.O.) (inner monologue) Now, which one is the Russian spy? Cindy Crawford, Rebecca Romajin... or Ivana Humpalot? Think, man, think! Austin begins snapping pictures. The sequence is shot like a photo shoot, with freeze frames, etc. AUSTIN Alright, baby! Love it. Turn and pout for me baby! Smashing! Cindy gets on all fours. AUSTIN Great, darling. Give me some shoulder. Yes, yes, yes. (angry) No! No! FULL FRAME, cover of Vogue. Cindy with her head framed out. AUSTIN (to Rebecca) Show me love. Smashing! You're an animal. You're a tiger. Be a tiger, baby! You're great! You're Grrrrrr- eat! You're Tony, be corn flakes, baby, be frosted. Now be a lemur, baby! You're a ring-tailed lemur. Rebecca looks confused. REBECCA A lemur? AUSTIN A small mammal native to the African savannah. C'mon baby, you know. Like this! (imitating lemur) OK, predator coming! Now, burrow, burrow! You're a lemur. It's all you've got. (beat) I take it back. Be a tiger again. Smashing! FULL FRAME, Rebecca on the cover of National--Geographic. AUSTIN And... done! I'm spent! Austin throws his camera to Reg, who catches it. REG Hel-lo, you forgot about Ivana. AUSTIN I didn't forget, baby. Miss Humpalot and I are going to have a 'private session'. Reg shows the girls out as they PROTEST. Austin and Ivana are left alone. Austin CLAPS TWICE and the lights dim. He CLAPS again and the fire goes up. MUSIC: I'm Never Going To Fall in Love Again by BURT BACHARACH IVANA When did you get "The Clapper"? AUSTIN November, 1964, Dutch East Indies, shore leave. IVANA Are you cold, Mr. Powers? AUSTIN I once had a bad experience with frostbite. I had to dip my tadger into a brandy snifter. Ivana moves over to a chessboard set up nearby. IVANA Do you know how we keep warm in Russia? AUSTIN I can guess, baby. IVANA We play chess. AUSTIN I guessed wrong. IVANA It takes a keen intelligence to play chess. Of course, you know what they say about men with big brains, don't you? AUSTIN They wear large hats? IVANA No, they make better lovers. AUSTIN Wrong again. Ivana starts playing with the chess pieces sexily (like in The Thomas Crowne Affair). IVANA I assume you know how to play. She runs the bishop across her lips sexily. AUSTIN Of course. The... horsey... moves in an L shape. Austin tries to match her sexy moves and CHOKES on a piece. AUSTIN Let's stop playing games with each other... especially difficult ones. May I ask you a question, Miss Humpalot? IVANA Of course. AUSTIN Do I make you horny? Do I? Austin rolls around on the polar bear rug. IVANA I'll tell you anything you want to know, just make love to me. She pulls his shirt off, revealing his prodigious chest hair. IVANA You are hairy, like an animal! AUSTIN (growling and barking) Grrrr, baby. Austin takes the head of the bear skin rug. AUSTIN Grrrr. Ruf! Ruf! (covers the bear's eyes) Wait a tick, I don't want him watching me while I'm on the job! IVANA Make love to me, monkey man. AUSTIN Groovy, baby! We pan around the room, seeing all the stuffed and mounted wildlife who seem to be watching. Suddenly the camera stops. So does the music. IVANA (O.S.) What's the matter? CUT TO: MONTAGE - VARIOUS STOCK FOOTAGE A tall flower wilts and beds over. A souffle falls. A flag is lowered to half mast. A giant redwood falls in a forest. A hot air balloon deflates and falls. An actual scientific diagram of a penis in the refractory period. INT. LODGE AUSTIN (to camera) Crikey, I've lost my mojo. EXT. LONDON STREETS (STOCK FOOTAGE) An ambulance races through the streets, SIREN BLARING. EXT. MINISTRY OF DEFENSE SUPER: "MINISTRY OF DEFENSE" INT. MOD - HALLWAY Basil hurries through, pushing past TECHNICIANS and WORKERS. BASIL EXPOSITION Where is he? In here? INT. MOD - LAB Basil enters. Cross between a hospital room and a lab. Austin lies in bed hooked up to lots of monitoring equipment. BASIL EXPOSITION Austin, I came as soon as I heard. AUSTIN There must be some kind of mistake, Basil. Maybe I was drunk and I didn't know it. Austin holds his neck very stiffly. BASIL EXPOSITION What's wrong with your neck, Austin? AUSTIN (turning stiffly to face Basil) I took a Viagra and it got caught in my throat. I've had a stiff neck for hours. Basil, is it true? Have I lost my mojo? BASIL EXPOSITION We're going to run a few tests, Austin. Don't worry, old friend, we'll get to the bottom of this. INT. MRI MACHINE Austin is being loaded into one of those big scary MRI machines: the MOJONATOR 9000. The mojo meter reads VERY LOW. INT. MOD LAB MONTAGE (TIME-LAPSE): Technicians in white suits and masks transform the room into a love lair: A pair of Latex-gloved hands carefully puts a BURT BACHARACH record on a turntable. Examination lights are replaced with LAVA LAMPS. A tray is brought in with a videotape marked "SWEDISH EDUCATIONAL FILM." Finally, the transformation is complete. Austin lies in bed reading a vintage PLAYBOY. A CANDY STRIPE NURSE enters, very pretty, in a tight outfit. NURSE Excuse me, Mr. Powers, I need to give you a sponge bath before we begin the test. AUSTIN (not paying attention to her) Alright, miss, just let me finish this article on the Suez crisis. An ALARM goes off. Bright LIGHTS come on. Basil enters. AUSTIN What's going on? BASIL EXPOSITION Alright, everyone, we're done. AUSTIN But the test hasn't even started!

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How many times the word 'where' appears in the text?

Austin Powers - The Spy Who Shagged Me Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME By Mike Myers MUSIC: timpani roll and dramatic sting NARRATOR In his last adventure, Austin Powers, a swinging spy from the Sixties, was unfrozen in the Nineties to battle his archenemy Dr. Evil. Austin foiled Dr. Evil's plan to send a nuclear warhead to the center of the earth and banished him into space forever. Or so he thought. EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT (ESTABLISHING SHOT FROM FIRST MOVIE) SUPER: THE FRENCH RIVIERA INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY Elegant double doors with a brass plaque reading "Honeymoon Suite." A "Do Not-Disturb" sign hangs from the handle. INT. HOTEL SUITE FROM THE FIRST MOVIE: Austin and Vanessa snuggle in bed. She plays with his chest hair. VANESSA I love you, Mr. Powers. AUSTIN And I love you, Mrs. Powers. SHOT TO MATCH EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin gets out of bed. We see Vanessa putting on her robe from behind, and then EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa kiss. VANESSA Let's go out on the terrace. It's a beautiful night, we can look at the stars. EXT. HOTEL BALCONY EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa gaze at the stars. AUSTIN Look how beautiful the night sky is. VANESSA Isn't that the big dipper? AUSTIN Yeah, and that looks just like Uranus. VANESSA Austin! AUSTIN (sheepish) Well, you know. VANESSA Hey, I've never seen that big star before. AUSTIN Yeah, what is that? Austin pulls out his telescope and takes a look. AUSTIN'S POV - TELESCOPE EFFECT EXT. SPACE EXISTING SHOT: The Bob's Big Boy rocket. INT. DR. EVIL'S CAPSULE DR. EVIL This isn't over yet, Mr. Powers. I have one more trick up my sleeve, don't I Mr. Bigglesworth? The frozen Mr. Bigglesworth MEOWS. EXT. SPACE The Bob's Big Boy rocket. Suddenly, a hatch opens in Bob's rear end and Dr. Evil's silver egg capsule poops out. SFX: PLOOP! Capsule begins fiery re-entry to Earth INT. HOTEL ROOM Austin comes in and shuts the balcony door. AUSTIN Oh well, I guess it was nothing. A VANESSA DOUBLE crosses carrying a bouquet of flowers, which obscure her face. AUSTIN Care for some champagne? (pouring) Here's to monotony-- I mean, monogamy! Vanessa sits at the vanity with her back turned. AUSTIN Hello? Vanessa? What are you doing, luv? VANESSA (back turned) Just putting on my-- As Vanessa turns around she puts her hands up and PULLS OFF HER FACE revealing wires, transistors, and a speaker where her mouth should be. FEMBOT VANESSA (computer voice) MAKE-UP! AUSTIN (frightened) Vanessa, you're a Fembot! They fight. Midway through the fight, machine guns pop out of Vanessa's breasts. AUSTIN Machine gun jubblies, how did I miss those? VANESSA (robot voice) PERHAPS NEXT TIME YOU SHOULD TRY FOREPLAY. Her machine gun breasts FIRE, spraying the room in SLO-MO. Then they run out of ammo and CLICK, CLICK. Austin empties his gun into the robot, but to no avail. She rushes at him, he gives her a judo chop, also to no avail. Then Austin' notices a SELF-DESTRUCT switch and hits it. She starts to twitch, her head spins, and she EXPLODES. Fembot parts fly around the room. Austin sits on the bed, saddened. He holds Vanessa's hand, which has wires hanging out of it. On one of the fingers is her wedding ring. MUSIC: VERY SAD PIANO AUSTIN (very sad) I can't believe Vanessa, my bride, my one true love, the woman who taught me the beauty of sharing your whole life with another, the person who taught me the meaning of love, was a Fembot. How will I ever go on? (beat) Wait a tic! That means I'm single! Oh, behave! INT. LOBBY - HOTEL Rich European guests mill about the luxurious lobby. Suddenly, Austin dances through naked. Just as we are about to see his bits and pieces, a man lifts up his suitcase. AUSTIN Yeah, baby, I'm free! I'm naked and free! SEQUENCE CREDIT MUSIC: Soul Bassanova by QUINCY JONES PAN UP Austin's NAKED body as he walks down a boardwalk. Just as the camera reaches that most sensitive of areas, a credit appears STARRING MIKE MYERS. Austin gives a big 'who me?' and we FREEZE FRAME. EXT. BOARDWALK - FRENCH RIVERA European types stare and point. We see Austin from behind. His bottom half is blocked by a bicycle. The bicycle moves away. Just as Austin's bum is about to be revealed- A CREDIT APPEARS blocking it. Austin turns his head around to the camera and puts his hand to his mouth in an 'oh my!' take and we FREEZE FRAME. A MAN IN A RAINCOAT flashes Austin, his thingy blocked by a credit. Austin just laughs...crazy, man! Austin goes around a corner. A moment later he returns, followed by a NUDE MARCHING BAND. A SIGN on the left side of the screen reads "Warning! Nude Beach". Austin enters from the left. We see his naked, hairy torso from the waist up. Just as he is about to appear from behind the sign, a... CREDIT APPEARS MOVING LEFT TO RIGHT Blocking his penis lengthwise as he walks. NUDE BEACH - CREDIT SEQUENCE A girl sits on a blanket; a HORIZONTAL CREDIT blocks her bare chest. Austin lays on his back beside her, trying to be suave; A VERTICAL CREDIT appears. The wind blows away a kite, revealing a stark-naked girl. The credit "PRODUCTION DESIGN" blocks her chest; the credit "BY" blocks her you-know-what. Austin walks into frame; the "PRODUCTION DESIGNER'S NAME" disguises his growing interest. Austin joins a nude volleyball game in progress. CREDITS appear everywhere to block all possible combinations of nudity. People leap in all directions to make saves, causing CREDITS TO APPEAR at crazy angles. A pretty girl watches Austin lift weights. Her boobs are blocked by the "WRITTEN BY" credit. Austin lifts a dumbbell. The credit "MIKE MYERS" sticks out from his waist. Austin looks proud. A BUFF NAKED BODYBUILDER joins them. He lifts a much heavier weight. A much longer credit sticks out from his waist: "AND MICHAEL MCCULLERS". Austin pouts. Austin runs down the beach, his bum blocked by the credit "DIRECTED BY". He jumps on a trampoline and does the splits in mid-air: FREEZE FRAME AND PAN AROUND LIKE IN THE GAP "KHAKI SWING" AD. Austin smiles crazily, his penis blocked by "JAY ROACH." Austin does a super-duper double flip into his JAGUAR. AUSTIN Shaguar, baby, yeah! CU on the chrome script on the grill: it reads "Shaguar" where it would normally read "Jaguar". The car speeds off. FULL SCREEN TV JERRY SPRINGER SHOW On the stage we see a Klansman father and his Klansman son, a Nazi father and his Nazi son, and SCOTT EVIL all seated on a panel. Lower Third Chyron: "MY FATHER IS EVIL AND WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" JERRY SPRINGER If you just joined us, today's topic is "my father is evil and wants to take over the world". Now, Bobby, you had something you wanted to share with your father before the break. BOBBY Dad, I know you're against race mixing and all that, but I met someone... KLANSMAN Don't say it! The crowd WHOOPS. BOBBY I met someone... and he's black. The crowd goes crazy. KLANSMAN He? The Klansman holds his hooded head in his hands. JERRY SPRINGER Please welcome Tim. A handsome Blair Underwood look-alike enters and hugs the Klansman's son. The crowd screams. JERRY MOVES TO SCOTT EVIL. JERRY SPRINGER Now Scott, tell us about your father. Share with us. SCOTT Well he's the head of an evil organization that has aspirations for world domination. JERRY SPRINGER And where is your father right now? SCOTT He's in outer space, like frozen in a giant egg and stuffed inside a Big Boy rocket with his cat, Mr. Bigglesworth. JERRY SPRINGER Really? Well, we have a surprise for you, Scott. Let's bring out SCOTT'S father, Dr Evil. Dr Evil enters. Lower Third Chyron: "WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" DR. EVIL Hello Scott, I'm back. SCOTT I can't believe you'd do this to me on national television! DR. EVIL They offered me a free makeover. JERRY SPRINGER Dr. Evil, we've seen a lot of the fathers here today open up to their sons, sons to the fathers. Is there anything you'd like to share? DR. EVIL Share? JERRY SPRINGER Yes, don't you have any secrets? DR. EVIL OK. I have a vestigial tail. Everyone is a little grossed out. DR. EVIL It's more of a nub, really. The spine just goes on a little longer than it should. Also, I've dabbled. I mean, perform fellatio once and you're a poet, twice and you're a homosexual. I remember once I was being fisted by Sebastian Cabot- but here's where the story gets interesting. He was lactose-intolerant. He could eat red meat all night long, but one sip of milk and it was gastric hell. And I remember we were caught in fragrance delicto by Henry Kissinger, and you can imagine my humiliation at having Hank hear me say, "Mr. French, no teeth." One of my greatest disappointments is that I never became a song and dance man. I could have been a quadruple threat, kind of like a despotic Ken Barry. Dancer, singer, actor, and I would possess nuclear weapons, the latter being the most threatening of the four. I once sat on a bus and tried to will myself a menstrual cycle. All I ended up with was a sense of failure and a mild neuralgia in my incisor teeth and perhaps a grudging respect for the weaker sex. I love toe cleavage. For the most part I distrust dogs. I slept in a horse once. It was quite roomy. On second thought, it was the Ritz. I named my left testicle 'piss' and my right testicle 'vinegar'. I wrote "It's Raining Men", or so the Christmas babies told me. Oh yes, I also made a Marzipan voodoo effigy of The Fonze while I was in coma after smoking some Peruvian prayer hash, but who at the end of the day can honestly say they haven't done that? The Springer audience is stunned, slack-jawed and for once quiet. KLANSMAN What are you, some kind of freak? SCOTT Shut up, jagoff! Studio audience whoops at this. KLANSMAN I'll kick your ass punk! Crowd goes crazy. DR. EVIL No one talks to my boy that way! Dr. Evil charges at Klansman and starts to bitch slap him. Security men, with headsets on, rush in to separate them. DR. EVIL I'm OK, I'm OK. There is a BEAT, then Dr. Evil CHARGES the guy again, knocking him down. DR. EVIL Come Scott, let's go to daddy's new evil lair. EXT. WORLD HEADQUARTERS BUILDING - DAY We pan up a modern office building. The camera reaches the top of the building and we see a giant STARBUCKS LOGO and the words: Starbucks World Headquarters. INT. STARBUCKS BOARD ROOM The penthouse boardroom is adorned with Starbucks paraphernalia: large logo, clear canisters full of beans, and a large world map with a little logo everywhere there is a Starbucks. Around a large table are Dr. Evil, Number Two (bandaged and lightly spotted with soot), Frau, Scott and a couple of NEW HENCHMEN. A Starbucks employee serves everyone steaming hot coffee products. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, as the legitimate frontman of your organization, I seized upon the opportunity to invest in a small Seattle-based coffee company several years ago. Today, Starbucks is a far- flung empire with 2000 outlets worldwide. DR. EVIL Oh good, Number Two, I do enjoy a good cuppa joe. NUMBER TWO If I may continue, I believe if we shift our resources away from world domination and focus on providing premium quality coffee drinks, we can increase our gross profits fivefold. Dr. Evil takes a sip of cappuccino, leaving a WHITE FROTHY MILK MUSTACHE on his upper lip. DR. EVIL Right. Perhaps you've confused me with someone who gives a shit. Might I remind you that I run the show here? I demand a little respect. NUMBER TWO (indicating Dr. Evil's milk mustache) Dr. Evil, I think you-- DR. EVIL Silence! I will not tolerate your insolence! Remember what happened last time. FLASHBACK (FOOTAGE FROM FIRST MOVIE) Number Two disappears backwards into the fiery pit. INT. STARBUCKS WORLD HEADQUARTERS Number Two smiles weakly, breaking into a sweat on his brow. NUMBER TWO May I add, I appreciate you reinstating me after our little... misunderstanding. DR. EVIL Frau Farbissina. Wie gehts is einen? We see Frau. She looks a little more 'masculine' than before. FRAU Zehr gut, Herr Doctor. DR. EVIL How are things? FRAU I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak it's name. To my right is my lover. We see a severe-looking German woman with one continuous eyebrow. FRAU Her name is Unibrau. I met her on the LPGA Tour. DR. EVIL Right on. Welcome, Unibrau. Dr. Evil takes another sip of cappuccino, making the frothy milk mustache even larger. FRAU Doctor, you have a 'milk mustache.' DR. EVIL (wiping it off, embarrassed) Oh, I know. I know. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I'd like to introduce the Greek assassin, Oedipus. We see a swarthy Greek army guy. DR. EVIL Welcome to my private army, Oedipus. Excited? OEDIPUS I could give a shit. DR. EVIL Kiss your mother with that mouth? OEDIPUS Yes. DR. EVIL Of course you do. Dr Evil begins to press a button labelled "Oedipus" on his control panel, but Number Two interrupts. NUMBER TWO (clearing throat) Dr. Evil, as you know, the rate at which you liquidate henchmen far exceeds our ability to replace them. DR. EVIL I have so few pleasures left to me, Number Two. The key to life is to rotate your vices. One day it's executions, another day it's creamy French cheese. It's like frickin' heroin. NUMBER TWO Well, Dr. Evil, perhaps I have the answer. While you were frozen, we began a program to clone you. DR. EVIL Cool. NUMBER TWO We had a few glitches, but I think you'll be pleased with the results. FRAU (shouting) Send in the clone! MUSIC: dramatic sting We see the shadow of an approaching figure. The shadow looks like Dr. Evil, only much larger and scarier. NUMBER TWO He is identical to you in every way, except he is one-eighth your size. We see that the source of the shadow is a MINIATURE DR. EVIL, just like the creepy mini-Marlon Brando in The Island of Dr. Moreau. He mimics Dr. Evil's mannerisms including holding his tiny pinky to his tiny mouth. DR. EVIL Breathtaking. I shall call him Mini- Me. (to clone) Mini-Me, you will sit to my right. Mini-Me sits down in a miniature version of Dr. Evil's command chair. DR. EVIL Come Mr. Bigglesworth! The bald Mr. Bigglesworth runs and jumps into Dr. Evil's lap. A bald MR. BIGGLESWORTH KITTEN jumps into Mini-Me's lap. DR. EVIL Mini-me, something to eat? (expectant pause) No? (pause) OK. (to room) Tired. Gentleman, I have a plan. As you know, the most powerful man in the world is the President of the United States. But he is just that- a man, subject to temptations of the flesh like any other man. Here's what we do: we make it seem that the President has had "extra-marital oral relations" with- and this is the kicker- DRAMATIC STING, SNAP ZOOM TO DR. EVIL. DR. EVIL With a White House intern! Dr. Evil gloats. So does Mini-Me. NUMBER TWO (clearing his throat) Uh-hem. DR. EVIL What, that already happened? Number Two nods. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous. Oh well, how about a frickin' time machine? Does the president have a time machine? Have I been scooped on that? NUMBER TWO No, not that I'm aware of. DR. EVIL Alright, time machine it is. As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen? SCOTT Because you never kill him when you get the chance and you're a dope? Mini-Me hops upon the table and tries to push the "Scott Evil" button on Dr. Evil's control panel. Frau SQUIRTS him with a water bottle. Mini-Me glares at Scott and GIVES HIM THE FINGER. DR. EVIL No, because Austin Powers has "mojo". NUMBER TWO Mojo? FRAU Yes, mojo. The mojo is the life force, the essence, the libido, the "right stuff". DR. EVIL It's what the French call a certain 'I don't know what.' SCOTT If you've got a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill Austin Powers when he's a baby or something? DR. EVIL No, no, no. NUMBER TWO (interrupting) Dr. Evil, wouldn't it be easier to use your knowledge of the future to play the stock market? We could literally make trillions. DR. EVIL (smug laugh to himself) Why make trillions when we could make... (pause) Billions? NUMBER TWO Excuse me? DR. EVIL Why think small is all I'm saying. SCOTT A trillion is more than a billion, numb-nuts. DR. EVIL Zip it. Unveil the time portal! A wall panel opens to reveal a Stargate-like wall of shimmering energy. DR. EVIL Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the time portal. As you know, Austin Powers was frozen in 1967. Therefore, I time travel to 1969, two years after he was frozen. Security will be lax and I'll strike when he is totally helpless. First, I take Austin Powers' mojo. Then I begin my domination of the world. SCOTT Can I come? DR. EVIL No, Scott, Daddy has a score to settle. Austin Powers is the snake to my mongoose, or the mongoose to my snake. Either way it's bad, I don't know animals. But I do know this: This time it's personal. Frau, Number 2, I'll see you both in 1969. Come, Mini-Me. Dr. Evil walks to the portal. Mini-Me follows, imitating him perfectly. They enter the portal. There is a FREEZE FRAME effect and they FADE AWAY, like in Star Trek. INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - Dr. Evil and Mini-Me emerge on the other side of the portal into a NEW LAIR. It is a large hollowed-out volcano room dominated by chrome conduits and tasteful art pieces. A younger Frau sits with NUMBER TWO, now played by ROB LOWE in an eye-patch. DR. EVIL Ah, here we are Mini-Me, 1969. Number Two, you look very youthful and healthy. (turning to Frau) And Frau you look...right. As Dr. Evil walks to the center of the room, chairs rise from the floor. Everyone takes a seat, but Dr. Evil gets caught in the middle as chairs rise around him. He is frightened. One of the rising chairs hits him in the crotch. DR. EVIL OK, people, we now officially have a chair problem. If another one of these chairs hits me in the nuts, I'm gonna go postal. Mini-Me, I want you to meet Number Two. NUMBER TWO Hello there. Mini-me says nothing. DR. EVIL Mini-Me? Mini-me still says nothing. DR. EVIL Shy. Low blood sugar. (to room) Gentlemen, Phase Two is beginning. I have an operative inside the Ministry of Defense. By this time tomorrow, Austin Powers' mojo will be mine. Dr. Evil goes over and looks out the large window. DR. EVIL (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! EXT. DR. EVIL'S TROPICAL ISLAND - We cut outside to see that window is in fact the left eye of a Mt. Rushmore-type depiction of Dr. Evil carved into the side of a volcano on a tropical island. DR. EVIL (V.O.) (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! INT. MOD - CRYOGENIC FREEZING ROOM - We see Austin's FROZEN BODY in cryogenic storage. Above it, we see two digital clocks. One reads: CURRENT DATE: MAY 25, 1969, the other reads: DATE FROZEN: NOVEMBER 11, 1967. One of the SCOTS GUARDS, is an IMMENSELY FAT SCOTTISH SOLDIER (played by Mike Myers). BRITISH COLONEL We've had reports that there's a spy in the Ministry of Defense. The contents of this room are vital to the country. Be on special alert. FAT SOLDIER (thick Scottish accent) Those bastards will have to kill me before I let anything happen to this wee naked hairy popsicle, sir! BRITISH COLONEL Very good. And try and lose some weight for God's sake! They exchange salutes and the Colonel exits. FAT SOLDIER Yessir! (sotto after the Colonel) I outta smash your teeth out with a Toffee Hammer Mr. English Colonel Telling-Me-What-To-Do-And-Stealing- our-Oil-Refusing-To-Recognize- our- Scottish-Independence! The Fat Soldier begins to play the BAGPIPES, a white vapor comes out of them, filling the room. The other soldiers COLLAPSE, unconscious. He bores through the ice and pulls out a Sixties high-tech syringe type device with an LED graph on the side. He places it in Austin's navel. The LED meter goes from red to green, indicating FULL MOJO. EXT./INT. AUSTIN'S SHAGUAR - DRIVING - DAY Austin drives in MODERN TRAFFIC. He is drinking a STARBUCKS COFFEE and listening to the Jag's in-dash CD PLAYER. Suddenly Austin DROOPS. The car starts to sputter. The fuel gauge reads empty. AUSTIN Gor blimey, I'm on empty! That's funny, I just filled the Shaguar up this morning. Austin hits a button on the dashboard. BASIL EXPOSITION appears on the picture phone in the dash. BASIL EXPOSITION (on picture phone) Hello, I'm Basil Exposition, head of British Intelligence. AUSTIN You always are, Basil. Listen, the weirdest thing just happened, I've run out of petrol. BASIL EXPOSITION We'll send a man around immediately. How was your honeymoon? AUSTIN Vanessa tried to kill me, Basil. She was a Fembot! BASIL EXPOSITION Ah women, who can understand them? Moving on, let's discuss your new case. AUSTIN New case? Very shagadelic, Basil! BASIL EXPOSITION You'll be doing a photo shoot. We know that one of the models is an ex- KGB agent selling top secret material to the highest bidder. AUSTIN That sounds easy enough, you know what they say: all work and no shagging makes Austin a dull boy, man! INT. SKI LODGE Austin sets up his photo equipment. The room is decorated in classic Heffner- bear skin rugs, leather chairs, roaring fire. AUSTIN (looking around) Tres chic, baby. REG, the photo assistant, enters. REG Austin, the models are ready. AUSTIN Ta, Reg. Bless your cotton socks. Hey, Reg, do you have any hobbies? REG What? AUSTIN Hobbies, man! I for one enjoy making models! The models make their entrance. They are REAL SUPERMODELS, say CINDY CRAWFORD, REBECCA ROMAJIN and also one MODEL we don't know. SUPERMODELS (circling Austin) It's him! Oh my God! It's Austin Powers! Austin shoots a look to Reg like 'still got it, baby.' AUSTIN One at a time, girls. One. At. A. Time! CINDY Hi, I'm Cindy. I don't believe I've had the pleasure. AUSTIN Of course you haven't had "The Pleasure", we just met, baby, yeah! REBECCA How do you do, Austin? I'm Rebecca. (indicating the photo gear) Your equipment is quite impressive. AUSTIN Thank you. Your breasts are amazing. Austin comes to the unknown model. She is tall and angular. AUSTIN And what's your name, baby? MODEL (thick Russian accent) Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN Excuse me? IVANA Ivana. Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN And I vanna toilet made of solid gold but it's just not in the cards, now is it? Austin looks over the girls, trying to decide who is the spy. AUSTIN (V.O.) (inner monologue) Now, which one is the Russian spy? Cindy Crawford, Rebecca Romajin... or Ivana Humpalot? Think, man, think! Austin begins snapping pictures. The sequence is shot like a photo shoot, with freeze frames, etc. AUSTIN Alright, baby! Love it. Turn and pout for me baby! Smashing! Cindy gets on all fours. AUSTIN Great, darling. Give me some shoulder. Yes, yes, yes. (angry) No! No! FULL FRAME, cover of Vogue. Cindy with her head framed out. AUSTIN (to Rebecca) Show me love. Smashing! You're an animal. You're a tiger. Be a tiger, baby! You're great! You're Grrrrrr- eat! You're Tony, be corn flakes, baby, be frosted. Now be a lemur, baby! You're a ring-tailed lemur. Rebecca looks confused. REBECCA A lemur? AUSTIN A small mammal native to the African savannah. C'mon baby, you know. Like this! (imitating lemur) OK, predator coming! Now, burrow, burrow! You're a lemur. It's all you've got. (beat) I take it back. Be a tiger again. Smashing! FULL FRAME, Rebecca on the cover of National--Geographic. AUSTIN And... done! I'm spent! Austin throws his camera to Reg, who catches it. REG Hel-lo, you forgot about Ivana. AUSTIN I didn't forget, baby. Miss Humpalot and I are going to have a 'private session'. Reg shows the girls out as they PROTEST. Austin and Ivana are left alone. Austin CLAPS TWICE and the lights dim. He CLAPS again and the fire goes up. MUSIC: I'm Never Going To Fall in Love Again by BURT BACHARACH IVANA When did you get "The Clapper"? AUSTIN November, 1964, Dutch East Indies, shore leave. IVANA Are you cold, Mr. Powers? AUSTIN I once had a bad experience with frostbite. I had to dip my tadger into a brandy snifter. Ivana moves over to a chessboard set up nearby. IVANA Do you know how we keep warm in Russia? AUSTIN I can guess, baby. IVANA We play chess. AUSTIN I guessed wrong. IVANA It takes a keen intelligence to play chess. Of course, you know what they say about men with big brains, don't you? AUSTIN They wear large hats? IVANA No, they make better lovers. AUSTIN Wrong again. Ivana starts playing with the chess pieces sexily (like in The Thomas Crowne Affair). IVANA I assume you know how to play. She runs the bishop across her lips sexily. AUSTIN Of course. The... horsey... moves in an L shape. Austin tries to match her sexy moves and CHOKES on a piece. AUSTIN Let's stop playing games with each other... especially difficult ones. May I ask you a question, Miss Humpalot? IVANA Of course. AUSTIN Do I make you horny? Do I? Austin rolls around on the polar bear rug. IVANA I'll tell you anything you want to know, just make love to me. She pulls his shirt off, revealing his prodigious chest hair. IVANA You are hairy, like an animal! AUSTIN (growling and barking) Grrrr, baby. Austin takes the head of the bear skin rug. AUSTIN Grrrr. Ruf! Ruf! (covers the bear's eyes) Wait a tick, I don't want him watching me while I'm on the job! IVANA Make love to me, monkey man. AUSTIN Groovy, baby! We pan around the room, seeing all the stuffed and mounted wildlife who seem to be watching. Suddenly the camera stops. So does the music. IVANA (O.S.) What's the matter? CUT TO: MONTAGE - VARIOUS STOCK FOOTAGE A tall flower wilts and beds over. A souffle falls. A flag is lowered to half mast. A giant redwood falls in a forest. A hot air balloon deflates and falls. An actual scientific diagram of a penis in the refractory period. INT. LODGE AUSTIN (to camera) Crikey, I've lost my mojo. EXT. LONDON STREETS (STOCK FOOTAGE) An ambulance races through the streets, SIREN BLARING. EXT. MINISTRY OF DEFENSE SUPER: "MINISTRY OF DEFENSE" INT. MOD - HALLWAY Basil hurries through, pushing past TECHNICIANS and WORKERS. BASIL EXPOSITION Where is he? In here? INT. MOD - LAB Basil enters. Cross between a hospital room and a lab. Austin lies in bed hooked up to lots of monitoring equipment. BASIL EXPOSITION Austin, I came as soon as I heard. AUSTIN There must be some kind of mistake, Basil. Maybe I was drunk and I didn't know it. Austin holds his neck very stiffly. BASIL EXPOSITION What's wrong with your neck, Austin? AUSTIN (turning stiffly to face Basil) I took a Viagra and it got caught in my throat. I've had a stiff neck for hours. Basil, is it true? Have I lost my mojo? BASIL EXPOSITION We're going to run a few tests, Austin. Don't worry, old friend, we'll get to the bottom of this. INT. MRI MACHINE Austin is being loaded into one of those big scary MRI machines: the MOJONATOR 9000. The mojo meter reads VERY LOW. INT. MOD LAB MONTAGE (TIME-LAPSE): Technicians in white suits and masks transform the room into a love lair: A pair of Latex-gloved hands carefully puts a BURT BACHARACH record on a turntable. Examination lights are replaced with LAVA LAMPS. A tray is brought in with a videotape marked "SWEDISH EDUCATIONAL FILM." Finally, the transformation is complete. Austin lies in bed reading a vintage PLAYBOY. A CANDY STRIPE NURSE enters, very pretty, in a tight outfit. NURSE Excuse me, Mr. Powers, I need to give you a sponge bath before we begin the test. AUSTIN (not paying attention to her) Alright, miss, just let me finish this article on the Suez crisis. An ALARM goes off. Bright LIGHTS come on. Basil enters. AUSTIN What's going on? BASIL EXPOSITION Alright, everyone, we're done. AUSTIN But the test hasn't even started!

sad

How many times the word 'sad' appears in the text?

Austin Powers - The Spy Who Shagged Me Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME By Mike Myers MUSIC: timpani roll and dramatic sting NARRATOR In his last adventure, Austin Powers, a swinging spy from the Sixties, was unfrozen in the Nineties to battle his archenemy Dr. Evil. Austin foiled Dr. Evil's plan to send a nuclear warhead to the center of the earth and banished him into space forever. Or so he thought. EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT (ESTABLISHING SHOT FROM FIRST MOVIE) SUPER: THE FRENCH RIVIERA INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY Elegant double doors with a brass plaque reading "Honeymoon Suite." A "Do Not-Disturb" sign hangs from the handle. INT. HOTEL SUITE FROM THE FIRST MOVIE: Austin and Vanessa snuggle in bed. She plays with his chest hair. VANESSA I love you, Mr. Powers. AUSTIN And I love you, Mrs. Powers. SHOT TO MATCH EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin gets out of bed. We see Vanessa putting on her robe from behind, and then EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa kiss. VANESSA Let's go out on the terrace. It's a beautiful night, we can look at the stars. EXT. HOTEL BALCONY EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa gaze at the stars. AUSTIN Look how beautiful the night sky is. VANESSA Isn't that the big dipper? AUSTIN Yeah, and that looks just like Uranus. VANESSA Austin! AUSTIN (sheepish) Well, you know. VANESSA Hey, I've never seen that big star before. AUSTIN Yeah, what is that? Austin pulls out his telescope and takes a look. AUSTIN'S POV - TELESCOPE EFFECT EXT. SPACE EXISTING SHOT: The Bob's Big Boy rocket. INT. DR. EVIL'S CAPSULE DR. EVIL This isn't over yet, Mr. Powers. I have one more trick up my sleeve, don't I Mr. Bigglesworth? The frozen Mr. Bigglesworth MEOWS. EXT. SPACE The Bob's Big Boy rocket. Suddenly, a hatch opens in Bob's rear end and Dr. Evil's silver egg capsule poops out. SFX: PLOOP! Capsule begins fiery re-entry to Earth INT. HOTEL ROOM Austin comes in and shuts the balcony door. AUSTIN Oh well, I guess it was nothing. A VANESSA DOUBLE crosses carrying a bouquet of flowers, which obscure her face. AUSTIN Care for some champagne? (pouring) Here's to monotony-- I mean, monogamy! Vanessa sits at the vanity with her back turned. AUSTIN Hello? Vanessa? What are you doing, luv? VANESSA (back turned) Just putting on my-- As Vanessa turns around she puts her hands up and PULLS OFF HER FACE revealing wires, transistors, and a speaker where her mouth should be. FEMBOT VANESSA (computer voice) MAKE-UP! AUSTIN (frightened) Vanessa, you're a Fembot! They fight. Midway through the fight, machine guns pop out of Vanessa's breasts. AUSTIN Machine gun jubblies, how did I miss those? VANESSA (robot voice) PERHAPS NEXT TIME YOU SHOULD TRY FOREPLAY. Her machine gun breasts FIRE, spraying the room in SLO-MO. Then they run out of ammo and CLICK, CLICK. Austin empties his gun into the robot, but to no avail. She rushes at him, he gives her a judo chop, also to no avail. Then Austin' notices a SELF-DESTRUCT switch and hits it. She starts to twitch, her head spins, and she EXPLODES. Fembot parts fly around the room. Austin sits on the bed, saddened. He holds Vanessa's hand, which has wires hanging out of it. On one of the fingers is her wedding ring. MUSIC: VERY SAD PIANO AUSTIN (very sad) I can't believe Vanessa, my bride, my one true love, the woman who taught me the beauty of sharing your whole life with another, the person who taught me the meaning of love, was a Fembot. How will I ever go on? (beat) Wait a tic! That means I'm single! Oh, behave! INT. LOBBY - HOTEL Rich European guests mill about the luxurious lobby. Suddenly, Austin dances through naked. Just as we are about to see his bits and pieces, a man lifts up his suitcase. AUSTIN Yeah, baby, I'm free! I'm naked and free! SEQUENCE CREDIT MUSIC: Soul Bassanova by QUINCY JONES PAN UP Austin's NAKED body as he walks down a boardwalk. Just as the camera reaches that most sensitive of areas, a credit appears STARRING MIKE MYERS. Austin gives a big 'who me?' and we FREEZE FRAME. EXT. BOARDWALK - FRENCH RIVERA European types stare and point. We see Austin from behind. His bottom half is blocked by a bicycle. The bicycle moves away. Just as Austin's bum is about to be revealed- A CREDIT APPEARS blocking it. Austin turns his head around to the camera and puts his hand to his mouth in an 'oh my!' take and we FREEZE FRAME. A MAN IN A RAINCOAT flashes Austin, his thingy blocked by a credit. Austin just laughs...crazy, man! Austin goes around a corner. A moment later he returns, followed by a NUDE MARCHING BAND. A SIGN on the left side of the screen reads "Warning! Nude Beach". Austin enters from the left. We see his naked, hairy torso from the waist up. Just as he is about to appear from behind the sign, a... CREDIT APPEARS MOVING LEFT TO RIGHT Blocking his penis lengthwise as he walks. NUDE BEACH - CREDIT SEQUENCE A girl sits on a blanket; a HORIZONTAL CREDIT blocks her bare chest. Austin lays on his back beside her, trying to be suave; A VERTICAL CREDIT appears. The wind blows away a kite, revealing a stark-naked girl. The credit "PRODUCTION DESIGN" blocks her chest; the credit "BY" blocks her you-know-what. Austin walks into frame; the "PRODUCTION DESIGNER'S NAME" disguises his growing interest. Austin joins a nude volleyball game in progress. CREDITS appear everywhere to block all possible combinations of nudity. People leap in all directions to make saves, causing CREDITS TO APPEAR at crazy angles. A pretty girl watches Austin lift weights. Her boobs are blocked by the "WRITTEN BY" credit. Austin lifts a dumbbell. The credit "MIKE MYERS" sticks out from his waist. Austin looks proud. A BUFF NAKED BODYBUILDER joins them. He lifts a much heavier weight. A much longer credit sticks out from his waist: "AND MICHAEL MCCULLERS". Austin pouts. Austin runs down the beach, his bum blocked by the credit "DIRECTED BY". He jumps on a trampoline and does the splits in mid-air: FREEZE FRAME AND PAN AROUND LIKE IN THE GAP "KHAKI SWING" AD. Austin smiles crazily, his penis blocked by "JAY ROACH." Austin does a super-duper double flip into his JAGUAR. AUSTIN Shaguar, baby, yeah! CU on the chrome script on the grill: it reads "Shaguar" where it would normally read "Jaguar". The car speeds off. FULL SCREEN TV JERRY SPRINGER SHOW On the stage we see a Klansman father and his Klansman son, a Nazi father and his Nazi son, and SCOTT EVIL all seated on a panel. Lower Third Chyron: "MY FATHER IS EVIL AND WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" JERRY SPRINGER If you just joined us, today's topic is "my father is evil and wants to take over the world". Now, Bobby, you had something you wanted to share with your father before the break. BOBBY Dad, I know you're against race mixing and all that, but I met someone... KLANSMAN Don't say it! The crowd WHOOPS. BOBBY I met someone... and he's black. The crowd goes crazy. KLANSMAN He? The Klansman holds his hooded head in his hands. JERRY SPRINGER Please welcome Tim. A handsome Blair Underwood look-alike enters and hugs the Klansman's son. The crowd screams. JERRY MOVES TO SCOTT EVIL. JERRY SPRINGER Now Scott, tell us about your father. Share with us. SCOTT Well he's the head of an evil organization that has aspirations for world domination. JERRY SPRINGER And where is your father right now? SCOTT He's in outer space, like frozen in a giant egg and stuffed inside a Big Boy rocket with his cat, Mr. Bigglesworth. JERRY SPRINGER Really? Well, we have a surprise for you, Scott. Let's bring out SCOTT'S father, Dr Evil. Dr Evil enters. Lower Third Chyron: "WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" DR. EVIL Hello Scott, I'm back. SCOTT I can't believe you'd do this to me on national television! DR. EVIL They offered me a free makeover. JERRY SPRINGER Dr. Evil, we've seen a lot of the fathers here today open up to their sons, sons to the fathers. Is there anything you'd like to share? DR. EVIL Share? JERRY SPRINGER Yes, don't you have any secrets? DR. EVIL OK. I have a vestigial tail. Everyone is a little grossed out. DR. EVIL It's more of a nub, really. The spine just goes on a little longer than it should. Also, I've dabbled. I mean, perform fellatio once and you're a poet, twice and you're a homosexual. I remember once I was being fisted by Sebastian Cabot- but here's where the story gets interesting. He was lactose-intolerant. He could eat red meat all night long, but one sip of milk and it was gastric hell. And I remember we were caught in fragrance delicto by Henry Kissinger, and you can imagine my humiliation at having Hank hear me say, "Mr. French, no teeth." One of my greatest disappointments is that I never became a song and dance man. I could have been a quadruple threat, kind of like a despotic Ken Barry. Dancer, singer, actor, and I would possess nuclear weapons, the latter being the most threatening of the four. I once sat on a bus and tried to will myself a menstrual cycle. All I ended up with was a sense of failure and a mild neuralgia in my incisor teeth and perhaps a grudging respect for the weaker sex. I love toe cleavage. For the most part I distrust dogs. I slept in a horse once. It was quite roomy. On second thought, it was the Ritz. I named my left testicle 'piss' and my right testicle 'vinegar'. I wrote "It's Raining Men", or so the Christmas babies told me. Oh yes, I also made a Marzipan voodoo effigy of The Fonze while I was in coma after smoking some Peruvian prayer hash, but who at the end of the day can honestly say they haven't done that? The Springer audience is stunned, slack-jawed and for once quiet. KLANSMAN What are you, some kind of freak? SCOTT Shut up, jagoff! Studio audience whoops at this. KLANSMAN I'll kick your ass punk! Crowd goes crazy. DR. EVIL No one talks to my boy that way! Dr. Evil charges at Klansman and starts to bitch slap him. Security men, with headsets on, rush in to separate them. DR. EVIL I'm OK, I'm OK. There is a BEAT, then Dr. Evil CHARGES the guy again, knocking him down. DR. EVIL Come Scott, let's go to daddy's new evil lair. EXT. WORLD HEADQUARTERS BUILDING - DAY We pan up a modern office building. The camera reaches the top of the building and we see a giant STARBUCKS LOGO and the words: Starbucks World Headquarters. INT. STARBUCKS BOARD ROOM The penthouse boardroom is adorned with Starbucks paraphernalia: large logo, clear canisters full of beans, and a large world map with a little logo everywhere there is a Starbucks. Around a large table are Dr. Evil, Number Two (bandaged and lightly spotted with soot), Frau, Scott and a couple of NEW HENCHMEN. A Starbucks employee serves everyone steaming hot coffee products. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, as the legitimate frontman of your organization, I seized upon the opportunity to invest in a small Seattle-based coffee company several years ago. Today, Starbucks is a far- flung empire with 2000 outlets worldwide. DR. EVIL Oh good, Number Two, I do enjoy a good cuppa joe. NUMBER TWO If I may continue, I believe if we shift our resources away from world domination and focus on providing premium quality coffee drinks, we can increase our gross profits fivefold. Dr. Evil takes a sip of cappuccino, leaving a WHITE FROTHY MILK MUSTACHE on his upper lip. DR. EVIL Right. Perhaps you've confused me with someone who gives a shit. Might I remind you that I run the show here? I demand a little respect. NUMBER TWO (indicating Dr. Evil's milk mustache) Dr. Evil, I think you-- DR. EVIL Silence! I will not tolerate your insolence! Remember what happened last time. FLASHBACK (FOOTAGE FROM FIRST MOVIE) Number Two disappears backwards into the fiery pit. INT. STARBUCKS WORLD HEADQUARTERS Number Two smiles weakly, breaking into a sweat on his brow. NUMBER TWO May I add, I appreciate you reinstating me after our little... misunderstanding. DR. EVIL Frau Farbissina. Wie gehts is einen? We see Frau. She looks a little more 'masculine' than before. FRAU Zehr gut, Herr Doctor. DR. EVIL How are things? FRAU I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak it's name. To my right is my lover. We see a severe-looking German woman with one continuous eyebrow. FRAU Her name is Unibrau. I met her on the LPGA Tour. DR. EVIL Right on. Welcome, Unibrau. Dr. Evil takes another sip of cappuccino, making the frothy milk mustache even larger. FRAU Doctor, you have a 'milk mustache.' DR. EVIL (wiping it off, embarrassed) Oh, I know. I know. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I'd like to introduce the Greek assassin, Oedipus. We see a swarthy Greek army guy. DR. EVIL Welcome to my private army, Oedipus. Excited? OEDIPUS I could give a shit. DR. EVIL Kiss your mother with that mouth? OEDIPUS Yes. DR. EVIL Of course you do. Dr Evil begins to press a button labelled "Oedipus" on his control panel, but Number Two interrupts. NUMBER TWO (clearing throat) Dr. Evil, as you know, the rate at which you liquidate henchmen far exceeds our ability to replace them. DR. EVIL I have so few pleasures left to me, Number Two. The key to life is to rotate your vices. One day it's executions, another day it's creamy French cheese. It's like frickin' heroin. NUMBER TWO Well, Dr. Evil, perhaps I have the answer. While you were frozen, we began a program to clone you. DR. EVIL Cool. NUMBER TWO We had a few glitches, but I think you'll be pleased with the results. FRAU (shouting) Send in the clone! MUSIC: dramatic sting We see the shadow of an approaching figure. The shadow looks like Dr. Evil, only much larger and scarier. NUMBER TWO He is identical to you in every way, except he is one-eighth your size. We see that the source of the shadow is a MINIATURE DR. EVIL, just like the creepy mini-Marlon Brando in The Island of Dr. Moreau. He mimics Dr. Evil's mannerisms including holding his tiny pinky to his tiny mouth. DR. EVIL Breathtaking. I shall call him Mini- Me. (to clone) Mini-Me, you will sit to my right. Mini-Me sits down in a miniature version of Dr. Evil's command chair. DR. EVIL Come Mr. Bigglesworth! The bald Mr. Bigglesworth runs and jumps into Dr. Evil's lap. A bald MR. BIGGLESWORTH KITTEN jumps into Mini-Me's lap. DR. EVIL Mini-me, something to eat? (expectant pause) No? (pause) OK. (to room) Tired. Gentleman, I have a plan. As you know, the most powerful man in the world is the President of the United States. But he is just that- a man, subject to temptations of the flesh like any other man. Here's what we do: we make it seem that the President has had "extra-marital oral relations" with- and this is the kicker- DRAMATIC STING, SNAP ZOOM TO DR. EVIL. DR. EVIL With a White House intern! Dr. Evil gloats. So does Mini-Me. NUMBER TWO (clearing his throat) Uh-hem. DR. EVIL What, that already happened? Number Two nods. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous. Oh well, how about a frickin' time machine? Does the president have a time machine? Have I been scooped on that? NUMBER TWO No, not that I'm aware of. DR. EVIL Alright, time machine it is. As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen? SCOTT Because you never kill him when you get the chance and you're a dope? Mini-Me hops upon the table and tries to push the "Scott Evil" button on Dr. Evil's control panel. Frau SQUIRTS him with a water bottle. Mini-Me glares at Scott and GIVES HIM THE FINGER. DR. EVIL No, because Austin Powers has "mojo". NUMBER TWO Mojo? FRAU Yes, mojo. The mojo is the life force, the essence, the libido, the "right stuff". DR. EVIL It's what the French call a certain 'I don't know what.' SCOTT If you've got a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill Austin Powers when he's a baby or something? DR. EVIL No, no, no. NUMBER TWO (interrupting) Dr. Evil, wouldn't it be easier to use your knowledge of the future to play the stock market? We could literally make trillions. DR. EVIL (smug laugh to himself) Why make trillions when we could make... (pause) Billions? NUMBER TWO Excuse me? DR. EVIL Why think small is all I'm saying. SCOTT A trillion is more than a billion, numb-nuts. DR. EVIL Zip it. Unveil the time portal! A wall panel opens to reveal a Stargate-like wall of shimmering energy. DR. EVIL Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the time portal. As you know, Austin Powers was frozen in 1967. Therefore, I time travel to 1969, two years after he was frozen. Security will be lax and I'll strike when he is totally helpless. First, I take Austin Powers' mojo. Then I begin my domination of the world. SCOTT Can I come? DR. EVIL No, Scott, Daddy has a score to settle. Austin Powers is the snake to my mongoose, or the mongoose to my snake. Either way it's bad, I don't know animals. But I do know this: This time it's personal. Frau, Number 2, I'll see you both in 1969. Come, Mini-Me. Dr. Evil walks to the portal. Mini-Me follows, imitating him perfectly. They enter the portal. There is a FREEZE FRAME effect and they FADE AWAY, like in Star Trek. INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - Dr. Evil and Mini-Me emerge on the other side of the portal into a NEW LAIR. It is a large hollowed-out volcano room dominated by chrome conduits and tasteful art pieces. A younger Frau sits with NUMBER TWO, now played by ROB LOWE in an eye-patch. DR. EVIL Ah, here we are Mini-Me, 1969. Number Two, you look very youthful and healthy. (turning to Frau) And Frau you look...right. As Dr. Evil walks to the center of the room, chairs rise from the floor. Everyone takes a seat, but Dr. Evil gets caught in the middle as chairs rise around him. He is frightened. One of the rising chairs hits him in the crotch. DR. EVIL OK, people, we now officially have a chair problem. If another one of these chairs hits me in the nuts, I'm gonna go postal. Mini-Me, I want you to meet Number Two. NUMBER TWO Hello there. Mini-me says nothing. DR. EVIL Mini-Me? Mini-me still says nothing. DR. EVIL Shy. Low blood sugar. (to room) Gentlemen, Phase Two is beginning. I have an operative inside the Ministry of Defense. By this time tomorrow, Austin Powers' mojo will be mine. Dr. Evil goes over and looks out the large window. DR. EVIL (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! EXT. DR. EVIL'S TROPICAL ISLAND - We cut outside to see that window is in fact the left eye of a Mt. Rushmore-type depiction of Dr. Evil carved into the side of a volcano on a tropical island. DR. EVIL (V.O.) (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! INT. MOD - CRYOGENIC FREEZING ROOM - We see Austin's FROZEN BODY in cryogenic storage. Above it, we see two digital clocks. One reads: CURRENT DATE: MAY 25, 1969, the other reads: DATE FROZEN: NOVEMBER 11, 1967. One of the SCOTS GUARDS, is an IMMENSELY FAT SCOTTISH SOLDIER (played by Mike Myers). BRITISH COLONEL We've had reports that there's a spy in the Ministry of Defense. The contents of this room are vital to the country. Be on special alert. FAT SOLDIER (thick Scottish accent) Those bastards will have to kill me before I let anything happen to this wee naked hairy popsicle, sir! BRITISH COLONEL Very good. And try and lose some weight for God's sake! They exchange salutes and the Colonel exits. FAT SOLDIER Yessir! (sotto after the Colonel) I outta smash your teeth out with a Toffee Hammer Mr. English Colonel Telling-Me-What-To-Do-And-Stealing- our-Oil-Refusing-To-Recognize- our- Scottish-Independence! The Fat Soldier begins to play the BAGPIPES, a white vapor comes out of them, filling the room. The other soldiers COLLAPSE, unconscious. He bores through the ice and pulls out a Sixties high-tech syringe type device with an LED graph on the side. He places it in Austin's navel. The LED meter goes from red to green, indicating FULL MOJO. EXT./INT. AUSTIN'S SHAGUAR - DRIVING - DAY Austin drives in MODERN TRAFFIC. He is drinking a STARBUCKS COFFEE and listening to the Jag's in-dash CD PLAYER. Suddenly Austin DROOPS. The car starts to sputter. The fuel gauge reads empty. AUSTIN Gor blimey, I'm on empty! That's funny, I just filled the Shaguar up this morning. Austin hits a button on the dashboard. BASIL EXPOSITION appears on the picture phone in the dash. BASIL EXPOSITION (on picture phone) Hello, I'm Basil Exposition, head of British Intelligence. AUSTIN You always are, Basil. Listen, the weirdest thing just happened, I've run out of petrol. BASIL EXPOSITION We'll send a man around immediately. How was your honeymoon? AUSTIN Vanessa tried to kill me, Basil. She was a Fembot! BASIL EXPOSITION Ah women, who can understand them? Moving on, let's discuss your new case. AUSTIN New case? Very shagadelic, Basil! BASIL EXPOSITION You'll be doing a photo shoot. We know that one of the models is an ex- KGB agent selling top secret material to the highest bidder. AUSTIN That sounds easy enough, you know what they say: all work and no shagging makes Austin a dull boy, man! INT. SKI LODGE Austin sets up his photo equipment. The room is decorated in classic Heffner- bear skin rugs, leather chairs, roaring fire. AUSTIN (looking around) Tres chic, baby. REG, the photo assistant, enters. REG Austin, the models are ready. AUSTIN Ta, Reg. Bless your cotton socks. Hey, Reg, do you have any hobbies? REG What? AUSTIN Hobbies, man! I for one enjoy making models! The models make their entrance. They are REAL SUPERMODELS, say CINDY CRAWFORD, REBECCA ROMAJIN and also one MODEL we don't know. SUPERMODELS (circling Austin) It's him! Oh my God! It's Austin Powers! Austin shoots a look to Reg like 'still got it, baby.' AUSTIN One at a time, girls. One. At. A. Time! CINDY Hi, I'm Cindy. I don't believe I've had the pleasure. AUSTIN Of course you haven't had "The Pleasure", we just met, baby, yeah! REBECCA How do you do, Austin? I'm Rebecca. (indicating the photo gear) Your equipment is quite impressive. AUSTIN Thank you. Your breasts are amazing. Austin comes to the unknown model. She is tall and angular. AUSTIN And what's your name, baby? MODEL (thick Russian accent) Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN Excuse me? IVANA Ivana. Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN And I vanna toilet made of solid gold but it's just not in the cards, now is it? Austin looks over the girls, trying to decide who is the spy. AUSTIN (V.O.) (inner monologue) Now, which one is the Russian spy? Cindy Crawford, Rebecca Romajin... or Ivana Humpalot? Think, man, think! Austin begins snapping pictures. The sequence is shot like a photo shoot, with freeze frames, etc. AUSTIN Alright, baby! Love it. Turn and pout for me baby! Smashing! Cindy gets on all fours. AUSTIN Great, darling. Give me some shoulder. Yes, yes, yes. (angry) No! No! FULL FRAME, cover of Vogue. Cindy with her head framed out. AUSTIN (to Rebecca) Show me love. Smashing! You're an animal. You're a tiger. Be a tiger, baby! You're great! You're Grrrrrr- eat! You're Tony, be corn flakes, baby, be frosted. Now be a lemur, baby! You're a ring-tailed lemur. Rebecca looks confused. REBECCA A lemur? AUSTIN A small mammal native to the African savannah. C'mon baby, you know. Like this! (imitating lemur) OK, predator coming! Now, burrow, burrow! You're a lemur. It's all you've got. (beat) I take it back. Be a tiger again. Smashing! FULL FRAME, Rebecca on the cover of National--Geographic. AUSTIN And... done! I'm spent! Austin throws his camera to Reg, who catches it. REG Hel-lo, you forgot about Ivana. AUSTIN I didn't forget, baby. Miss Humpalot and I are going to have a 'private session'. Reg shows the girls out as they PROTEST. Austin and Ivana are left alone. Austin CLAPS TWICE and the lights dim. He CLAPS again and the fire goes up. MUSIC: I'm Never Going To Fall in Love Again by BURT BACHARACH IVANA When did you get "The Clapper"? AUSTIN November, 1964, Dutch East Indies, shore leave. IVANA Are you cold, Mr. Powers? AUSTIN I once had a bad experience with frostbite. I had to dip my tadger into a brandy snifter. Ivana moves over to a chessboard set up nearby. IVANA Do you know how we keep warm in Russia? AUSTIN I can guess, baby. IVANA We play chess. AUSTIN I guessed wrong. IVANA It takes a keen intelligence to play chess. Of course, you know what they say about men with big brains, don't you? AUSTIN They wear large hats? IVANA No, they make better lovers. AUSTIN Wrong again. Ivana starts playing with the chess pieces sexily (like in The Thomas Crowne Affair). IVANA I assume you know how to play. She runs the bishop across her lips sexily. AUSTIN Of course. The... horsey... moves in an L shape. Austin tries to match her sexy moves and CHOKES on a piece. AUSTIN Let's stop playing games with each other... especially difficult ones. May I ask you a question, Miss Humpalot? IVANA Of course. AUSTIN Do I make you horny? Do I? Austin rolls around on the polar bear rug. IVANA I'll tell you anything you want to know, just make love to me. She pulls his shirt off, revealing his prodigious chest hair. IVANA You are hairy, like an animal! AUSTIN (growling and barking) Grrrr, baby. Austin takes the head of the bear skin rug. AUSTIN Grrrr. Ruf! Ruf! (covers the bear's eyes) Wait a tick, I don't want him watching me while I'm on the job! IVANA Make love to me, monkey man. AUSTIN Groovy, baby! We pan around the room, seeing all the stuffed and mounted wildlife who seem to be watching. Suddenly the camera stops. So does the music. IVANA (O.S.) What's the matter? CUT TO: MONTAGE - VARIOUS STOCK FOOTAGE A tall flower wilts and beds over. A souffle falls. A flag is lowered to half mast. A giant redwood falls in a forest. A hot air balloon deflates and falls. An actual scientific diagram of a penis in the refractory period. INT. LODGE AUSTIN (to camera) Crikey, I've lost my mojo. EXT. LONDON STREETS (STOCK FOOTAGE) An ambulance races through the streets, SIREN BLARING. EXT. MINISTRY OF DEFENSE SUPER: "MINISTRY OF DEFENSE" INT. MOD - HALLWAY Basil hurries through, pushing past TECHNICIANS and WORKERS. BASIL EXPOSITION Where is he? In here? INT. MOD - LAB Basil enters. Cross between a hospital room and a lab. Austin lies in bed hooked up to lots of monitoring equipment. BASIL EXPOSITION Austin, I came as soon as I heard. AUSTIN There must be some kind of mistake, Basil. Maybe I was drunk and I didn't know it. Austin holds his neck very stiffly. BASIL EXPOSITION What's wrong with your neck, Austin? AUSTIN (turning stiffly to face Basil) I took a Viagra and it got caught in my throat. I've had a stiff neck for hours. Basil, is it true? Have I lost my mojo? BASIL EXPOSITION We're going to run a few tests, Austin. Don't worry, old friend, we'll get to the bottom of this. INT. MRI MACHINE Austin is being loaded into one of those big scary MRI machines: the MOJONATOR 9000. The mojo meter reads VERY LOW. INT. MOD LAB MONTAGE (TIME-LAPSE): Technicians in white suits and masks transform the room into a love lair: A pair of Latex-gloved hands carefully puts a BURT BACHARACH record on a turntable. Examination lights are replaced with LAVA LAMPS. A tray is brought in with a videotape marked "SWEDISH EDUCATIONAL FILM." Finally, the transformation is complete. Austin lies in bed reading a vintage PLAYBOY. A CANDY STRIPE NURSE enters, very pretty, in a tight outfit. NURSE Excuse me, Mr. Powers, I need to give you a sponge bath before we begin the test. AUSTIN (not paying attention to her) Alright, miss, just let me finish this article on the Suez crisis. An ALARM goes off. Bright LIGHTS come on. Basil enters. AUSTIN What's going on? BASIL EXPOSITION Alright, everyone, we're done. AUSTIN But the test hasn't even started!

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How many times the word 'for' appears in the text?

Austin Powers - The Spy Who Shagged Me Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME By Mike Myers MUSIC: timpani roll and dramatic sting NARRATOR In his last adventure, Austin Powers, a swinging spy from the Sixties, was unfrozen in the Nineties to battle his archenemy Dr. Evil. Austin foiled Dr. Evil's plan to send a nuclear warhead to the center of the earth and banished him into space forever. Or so he thought. EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT (ESTABLISHING SHOT FROM FIRST MOVIE) SUPER: THE FRENCH RIVIERA INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY Elegant double doors with a brass plaque reading "Honeymoon Suite." A "Do Not-Disturb" sign hangs from the handle. INT. HOTEL SUITE FROM THE FIRST MOVIE: Austin and Vanessa snuggle in bed. She plays with his chest hair. VANESSA I love you, Mr. Powers. AUSTIN And I love you, Mrs. Powers. SHOT TO MATCH EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin gets out of bed. We see Vanessa putting on her robe from behind, and then EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa kiss. VANESSA Let's go out on the terrace. It's a beautiful night, we can look at the stars. EXT. HOTEL BALCONY EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa gaze at the stars. AUSTIN Look how beautiful the night sky is. VANESSA Isn't that the big dipper? AUSTIN Yeah, and that looks just like Uranus. VANESSA Austin! AUSTIN (sheepish) Well, you know. VANESSA Hey, I've never seen that big star before. AUSTIN Yeah, what is that? Austin pulls out his telescope and takes a look. AUSTIN'S POV - TELESCOPE EFFECT EXT. SPACE EXISTING SHOT: The Bob's Big Boy rocket. INT. DR. EVIL'S CAPSULE DR. EVIL This isn't over yet, Mr. Powers. I have one more trick up my sleeve, don't I Mr. Bigglesworth? The frozen Mr. Bigglesworth MEOWS. EXT. SPACE The Bob's Big Boy rocket. Suddenly, a hatch opens in Bob's rear end and Dr. Evil's silver egg capsule poops out. SFX: PLOOP! Capsule begins fiery re-entry to Earth INT. HOTEL ROOM Austin comes in and shuts the balcony door. AUSTIN Oh well, I guess it was nothing. A VANESSA DOUBLE crosses carrying a bouquet of flowers, which obscure her face. AUSTIN Care for some champagne? (pouring) Here's to monotony-- I mean, monogamy! Vanessa sits at the vanity with her back turned. AUSTIN Hello? Vanessa? What are you doing, luv? VANESSA (back turned) Just putting on my-- As Vanessa turns around she puts her hands up and PULLS OFF HER FACE revealing wires, transistors, and a speaker where her mouth should be. FEMBOT VANESSA (computer voice) MAKE-UP! AUSTIN (frightened) Vanessa, you're a Fembot! They fight. Midway through the fight, machine guns pop out of Vanessa's breasts. AUSTIN Machine gun jubblies, how did I miss those? VANESSA (robot voice) PERHAPS NEXT TIME YOU SHOULD TRY FOREPLAY. Her machine gun breasts FIRE, spraying the room in SLO-MO. Then they run out of ammo and CLICK, CLICK. Austin empties his gun into the robot, but to no avail. She rushes at him, he gives her a judo chop, also to no avail. Then Austin' notices a SELF-DESTRUCT switch and hits it. She starts to twitch, her head spins, and she EXPLODES. Fembot parts fly around the room. Austin sits on the bed, saddened. He holds Vanessa's hand, which has wires hanging out of it. On one of the fingers is her wedding ring. MUSIC: VERY SAD PIANO AUSTIN (very sad) I can't believe Vanessa, my bride, my one true love, the woman who taught me the beauty of sharing your whole life with another, the person who taught me the meaning of love, was a Fembot. How will I ever go on? (beat) Wait a tic! That means I'm single! Oh, behave! INT. LOBBY - HOTEL Rich European guests mill about the luxurious lobby. Suddenly, Austin dances through naked. Just as we are about to see his bits and pieces, a man lifts up his suitcase. AUSTIN Yeah, baby, I'm free! I'm naked and free! SEQUENCE CREDIT MUSIC: Soul Bassanova by QUINCY JONES PAN UP Austin's NAKED body as he walks down a boardwalk. Just as the camera reaches that most sensitive of areas, a credit appears STARRING MIKE MYERS. Austin gives a big 'who me?' and we FREEZE FRAME. EXT. BOARDWALK - FRENCH RIVERA European types stare and point. We see Austin from behind. His bottom half is blocked by a bicycle. The bicycle moves away. Just as Austin's bum is about to be revealed- A CREDIT APPEARS blocking it. Austin turns his head around to the camera and puts his hand to his mouth in an 'oh my!' take and we FREEZE FRAME. A MAN IN A RAINCOAT flashes Austin, his thingy blocked by a credit. Austin just laughs...crazy, man! Austin goes around a corner. A moment later he returns, followed by a NUDE MARCHING BAND. A SIGN on the left side of the screen reads "Warning! Nude Beach". Austin enters from the left. We see his naked, hairy torso from the waist up. Just as he is about to appear from behind the sign, a... CREDIT APPEARS MOVING LEFT TO RIGHT Blocking his penis lengthwise as he walks. NUDE BEACH - CREDIT SEQUENCE A girl sits on a blanket; a HORIZONTAL CREDIT blocks her bare chest. Austin lays on his back beside her, trying to be suave; A VERTICAL CREDIT appears. The wind blows away a kite, revealing a stark-naked girl. The credit "PRODUCTION DESIGN" blocks her chest; the credit "BY" blocks her you-know-what. Austin walks into frame; the "PRODUCTION DESIGNER'S NAME" disguises his growing interest. Austin joins a nude volleyball game in progress. CREDITS appear everywhere to block all possible combinations of nudity. People leap in all directions to make saves, causing CREDITS TO APPEAR at crazy angles. A pretty girl watches Austin lift weights. Her boobs are blocked by the "WRITTEN BY" credit. Austin lifts a dumbbell. The credit "MIKE MYERS" sticks out from his waist. Austin looks proud. A BUFF NAKED BODYBUILDER joins them. He lifts a much heavier weight. A much longer credit sticks out from his waist: "AND MICHAEL MCCULLERS". Austin pouts. Austin runs down the beach, his bum blocked by the credit "DIRECTED BY". He jumps on a trampoline and does the splits in mid-air: FREEZE FRAME AND PAN AROUND LIKE IN THE GAP "KHAKI SWING" AD. Austin smiles crazily, his penis blocked by "JAY ROACH." Austin does a super-duper double flip into his JAGUAR. AUSTIN Shaguar, baby, yeah! CU on the chrome script on the grill: it reads "Shaguar" where it would normally read "Jaguar". The car speeds off. FULL SCREEN TV JERRY SPRINGER SHOW On the stage we see a Klansman father and his Klansman son, a Nazi father and his Nazi son, and SCOTT EVIL all seated on a panel. Lower Third Chyron: "MY FATHER IS EVIL AND WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" JERRY SPRINGER If you just joined us, today's topic is "my father is evil and wants to take over the world". Now, Bobby, you had something you wanted to share with your father before the break. BOBBY Dad, I know you're against race mixing and all that, but I met someone... KLANSMAN Don't say it! The crowd WHOOPS. BOBBY I met someone... and he's black. The crowd goes crazy. KLANSMAN He? The Klansman holds his hooded head in his hands. JERRY SPRINGER Please welcome Tim. A handsome Blair Underwood look-alike enters and hugs the Klansman's son. The crowd screams. JERRY MOVES TO SCOTT EVIL. JERRY SPRINGER Now Scott, tell us about your father. Share with us. SCOTT Well he's the head of an evil organization that has aspirations for world domination. JERRY SPRINGER And where is your father right now? SCOTT He's in outer space, like frozen in a giant egg and stuffed inside a Big Boy rocket with his cat, Mr. Bigglesworth. JERRY SPRINGER Really? Well, we have a surprise for you, Scott. Let's bring out SCOTT'S father, Dr Evil. Dr Evil enters. Lower Third Chyron: "WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" DR. EVIL Hello Scott, I'm back. SCOTT I can't believe you'd do this to me on national television! DR. EVIL They offered me a free makeover. JERRY SPRINGER Dr. Evil, we've seen a lot of the fathers here today open up to their sons, sons to the fathers. Is there anything you'd like to share? DR. EVIL Share? JERRY SPRINGER Yes, don't you have any secrets? DR. EVIL OK. I have a vestigial tail. Everyone is a little grossed out. DR. EVIL It's more of a nub, really. The spine just goes on a little longer than it should. Also, I've dabbled. I mean, perform fellatio once and you're a poet, twice and you're a homosexual. I remember once I was being fisted by Sebastian Cabot- but here's where the story gets interesting. He was lactose-intolerant. He could eat red meat all night long, but one sip of milk and it was gastric hell. And I remember we were caught in fragrance delicto by Henry Kissinger, and you can imagine my humiliation at having Hank hear me say, "Mr. French, no teeth." One of my greatest disappointments is that I never became a song and dance man. I could have been a quadruple threat, kind of like a despotic Ken Barry. Dancer, singer, actor, and I would possess nuclear weapons, the latter being the most threatening of the four. I once sat on a bus and tried to will myself a menstrual cycle. All I ended up with was a sense of failure and a mild neuralgia in my incisor teeth and perhaps a grudging respect for the weaker sex. I love toe cleavage. For the most part I distrust dogs. I slept in a horse once. It was quite roomy. On second thought, it was the Ritz. I named my left testicle 'piss' and my right testicle 'vinegar'. I wrote "It's Raining Men", or so the Christmas babies told me. Oh yes, I also made a Marzipan voodoo effigy of The Fonze while I was in coma after smoking some Peruvian prayer hash, but who at the end of the day can honestly say they haven't done that? The Springer audience is stunned, slack-jawed and for once quiet. KLANSMAN What are you, some kind of freak? SCOTT Shut up, jagoff! Studio audience whoops at this. KLANSMAN I'll kick your ass punk! Crowd goes crazy. DR. EVIL No one talks to my boy that way! Dr. Evil charges at Klansman and starts to bitch slap him. Security men, with headsets on, rush in to separate them. DR. EVIL I'm OK, I'm OK. There is a BEAT, then Dr. Evil CHARGES the guy again, knocking him down. DR. EVIL Come Scott, let's go to daddy's new evil lair. EXT. WORLD HEADQUARTERS BUILDING - DAY We pan up a modern office building. The camera reaches the top of the building and we see a giant STARBUCKS LOGO and the words: Starbucks World Headquarters. INT. STARBUCKS BOARD ROOM The penthouse boardroom is adorned with Starbucks paraphernalia: large logo, clear canisters full of beans, and a large world map with a little logo everywhere there is a Starbucks. Around a large table are Dr. Evil, Number Two (bandaged and lightly spotted with soot), Frau, Scott and a couple of NEW HENCHMEN. A Starbucks employee serves everyone steaming hot coffee products. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, as the legitimate frontman of your organization, I seized upon the opportunity to invest in a small Seattle-based coffee company several years ago. Today, Starbucks is a far- flung empire with 2000 outlets worldwide. DR. EVIL Oh good, Number Two, I do enjoy a good cuppa joe. NUMBER TWO If I may continue, I believe if we shift our resources away from world domination and focus on providing premium quality coffee drinks, we can increase our gross profits fivefold. Dr. Evil takes a sip of cappuccino, leaving a WHITE FROTHY MILK MUSTACHE on his upper lip. DR. EVIL Right. Perhaps you've confused me with someone who gives a shit. Might I remind you that I run the show here? I demand a little respect. NUMBER TWO (indicating Dr. Evil's milk mustache) Dr. Evil, I think you-- DR. EVIL Silence! I will not tolerate your insolence! Remember what happened last time. FLASHBACK (FOOTAGE FROM FIRST MOVIE) Number Two disappears backwards into the fiery pit. INT. STARBUCKS WORLD HEADQUARTERS Number Two smiles weakly, breaking into a sweat on his brow. NUMBER TWO May I add, I appreciate you reinstating me after our little... misunderstanding. DR. EVIL Frau Farbissina. Wie gehts is einen? We see Frau. She looks a little more 'masculine' than before. FRAU Zehr gut, Herr Doctor. DR. EVIL How are things? FRAU I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak it's name. To my right is my lover. We see a severe-looking German woman with one continuous eyebrow. FRAU Her name is Unibrau. I met her on the LPGA Tour. DR. EVIL Right on. Welcome, Unibrau. Dr. Evil takes another sip of cappuccino, making the frothy milk mustache even larger. FRAU Doctor, you have a 'milk mustache.' DR. EVIL (wiping it off, embarrassed) Oh, I know. I know. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I'd like to introduce the Greek assassin, Oedipus. We see a swarthy Greek army guy. DR. EVIL Welcome to my private army, Oedipus. Excited? OEDIPUS I could give a shit. DR. EVIL Kiss your mother with that mouth? OEDIPUS Yes. DR. EVIL Of course you do. Dr Evil begins to press a button labelled "Oedipus" on his control panel, but Number Two interrupts. NUMBER TWO (clearing throat) Dr. Evil, as you know, the rate at which you liquidate henchmen far exceeds our ability to replace them. DR. EVIL I have so few pleasures left to me, Number Two. The key to life is to rotate your vices. One day it's executions, another day it's creamy French cheese. It's like frickin' heroin. NUMBER TWO Well, Dr. Evil, perhaps I have the answer. While you were frozen, we began a program to clone you. DR. EVIL Cool. NUMBER TWO We had a few glitches, but I think you'll be pleased with the results. FRAU (shouting) Send in the clone! MUSIC: dramatic sting We see the shadow of an approaching figure. The shadow looks like Dr. Evil, only much larger and scarier. NUMBER TWO He is identical to you in every way, except he is one-eighth your size. We see that the source of the shadow is a MINIATURE DR. EVIL, just like the creepy mini-Marlon Brando in The Island of Dr. Moreau. He mimics Dr. Evil's mannerisms including holding his tiny pinky to his tiny mouth. DR. EVIL Breathtaking. I shall call him Mini- Me. (to clone) Mini-Me, you will sit to my right. Mini-Me sits down in a miniature version of Dr. Evil's command chair. DR. EVIL Come Mr. Bigglesworth! The bald Mr. Bigglesworth runs and jumps into Dr. Evil's lap. A bald MR. BIGGLESWORTH KITTEN jumps into Mini-Me's lap. DR. EVIL Mini-me, something to eat? (expectant pause) No? (pause) OK. (to room) Tired. Gentleman, I have a plan. As you know, the most powerful man in the world is the President of the United States. But he is just that- a man, subject to temptations of the flesh like any other man. Here's what we do: we make it seem that the President has had "extra-marital oral relations" with- and this is the kicker- DRAMATIC STING, SNAP ZOOM TO DR. EVIL. DR. EVIL With a White House intern! Dr. Evil gloats. So does Mini-Me. NUMBER TWO (clearing his throat) Uh-hem. DR. EVIL What, that already happened? Number Two nods. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous. Oh well, how about a frickin' time machine? Does the president have a time machine? Have I been scooped on that? NUMBER TWO No, not that I'm aware of. DR. EVIL Alright, time machine it is. As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen? SCOTT Because you never kill him when you get the chance and you're a dope? Mini-Me hops upon the table and tries to push the "Scott Evil" button on Dr. Evil's control panel. Frau SQUIRTS him with a water bottle. Mini-Me glares at Scott and GIVES HIM THE FINGER. DR. EVIL No, because Austin Powers has "mojo". NUMBER TWO Mojo? FRAU Yes, mojo. The mojo is the life force, the essence, the libido, the "right stuff". DR. EVIL It's what the French call a certain 'I don't know what.' SCOTT If you've got a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill Austin Powers when he's a baby or something? DR. EVIL No, no, no. NUMBER TWO (interrupting) Dr. Evil, wouldn't it be easier to use your knowledge of the future to play the stock market? We could literally make trillions. DR. EVIL (smug laugh to himself) Why make trillions when we could make... (pause) Billions? NUMBER TWO Excuse me? DR. EVIL Why think small is all I'm saying. SCOTT A trillion is more than a billion, numb-nuts. DR. EVIL Zip it. Unveil the time portal! A wall panel opens to reveal a Stargate-like wall of shimmering energy. DR. EVIL Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the time portal. As you know, Austin Powers was frozen in 1967. Therefore, I time travel to 1969, two years after he was frozen. Security will be lax and I'll strike when he is totally helpless. First, I take Austin Powers' mojo. Then I begin my domination of the world. SCOTT Can I come? DR. EVIL No, Scott, Daddy has a score to settle. Austin Powers is the snake to my mongoose, or the mongoose to my snake. Either way it's bad, I don't know animals. But I do know this: This time it's personal. Frau, Number 2, I'll see you both in 1969. Come, Mini-Me. Dr. Evil walks to the portal. Mini-Me follows, imitating him perfectly. They enter the portal. There is a FREEZE FRAME effect and they FADE AWAY, like in Star Trek. INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - Dr. Evil and Mini-Me emerge on the other side of the portal into a NEW LAIR. It is a large hollowed-out volcano room dominated by chrome conduits and tasteful art pieces. A younger Frau sits with NUMBER TWO, now played by ROB LOWE in an eye-patch. DR. EVIL Ah, here we are Mini-Me, 1969. Number Two, you look very youthful and healthy. (turning to Frau) And Frau you look...right. As Dr. Evil walks to the center of the room, chairs rise from the floor. Everyone takes a seat, but Dr. Evil gets caught in the middle as chairs rise around him. He is frightened. One of the rising chairs hits him in the crotch. DR. EVIL OK, people, we now officially have a chair problem. If another one of these chairs hits me in the nuts, I'm gonna go postal. Mini-Me, I want you to meet Number Two. NUMBER TWO Hello there. Mini-me says nothing. DR. EVIL Mini-Me? Mini-me still says nothing. DR. EVIL Shy. Low blood sugar. (to room) Gentlemen, Phase Two is beginning. I have an operative inside the Ministry of Defense. By this time tomorrow, Austin Powers' mojo will be mine. Dr. Evil goes over and looks out the large window. DR. EVIL (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! EXT. DR. EVIL'S TROPICAL ISLAND - We cut outside to see that window is in fact the left eye of a Mt. Rushmore-type depiction of Dr. Evil carved into the side of a volcano on a tropical island. DR. EVIL (V.O.) (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! INT. MOD - CRYOGENIC FREEZING ROOM - We see Austin's FROZEN BODY in cryogenic storage. Above it, we see two digital clocks. One reads: CURRENT DATE: MAY 25, 1969, the other reads: DATE FROZEN: NOVEMBER 11, 1967. One of the SCOTS GUARDS, is an IMMENSELY FAT SCOTTISH SOLDIER (played by Mike Myers). BRITISH COLONEL We've had reports that there's a spy in the Ministry of Defense. The contents of this room are vital to the country. Be on special alert. FAT SOLDIER (thick Scottish accent) Those bastards will have to kill me before I let anything happen to this wee naked hairy popsicle, sir! BRITISH COLONEL Very good. And try and lose some weight for God's sake! They exchange salutes and the Colonel exits. FAT SOLDIER Yessir! (sotto after the Colonel) I outta smash your teeth out with a Toffee Hammer Mr. English Colonel Telling-Me-What-To-Do-And-Stealing- our-Oil-Refusing-To-Recognize- our- Scottish-Independence! The Fat Soldier begins to play the BAGPIPES, a white vapor comes out of them, filling the room. The other soldiers COLLAPSE, unconscious. He bores through the ice and pulls out a Sixties high-tech syringe type device with an LED graph on the side. He places it in Austin's navel. The LED meter goes from red to green, indicating FULL MOJO. EXT./INT. AUSTIN'S SHAGUAR - DRIVING - DAY Austin drives in MODERN TRAFFIC. He is drinking a STARBUCKS COFFEE and listening to the Jag's in-dash CD PLAYER. Suddenly Austin DROOPS. The car starts to sputter. The fuel gauge reads empty. AUSTIN Gor blimey, I'm on empty! That's funny, I just filled the Shaguar up this morning. Austin hits a button on the dashboard. BASIL EXPOSITION appears on the picture phone in the dash. BASIL EXPOSITION (on picture phone) Hello, I'm Basil Exposition, head of British Intelligence. AUSTIN You always are, Basil. Listen, the weirdest thing just happened, I've run out of petrol. BASIL EXPOSITION We'll send a man around immediately. How was your honeymoon? AUSTIN Vanessa tried to kill me, Basil. She was a Fembot! BASIL EXPOSITION Ah women, who can understand them? Moving on, let's discuss your new case. AUSTIN New case? Very shagadelic, Basil! BASIL EXPOSITION You'll be doing a photo shoot. We know that one of the models is an ex- KGB agent selling top secret material to the highest bidder. AUSTIN That sounds easy enough, you know what they say: all work and no shagging makes Austin a dull boy, man! INT. SKI LODGE Austin sets up his photo equipment. The room is decorated in classic Heffner- bear skin rugs, leather chairs, roaring fire. AUSTIN (looking around) Tres chic, baby. REG, the photo assistant, enters. REG Austin, the models are ready. AUSTIN Ta, Reg. Bless your cotton socks. Hey, Reg, do you have any hobbies? REG What? AUSTIN Hobbies, man! I for one enjoy making models! The models make their entrance. They are REAL SUPERMODELS, say CINDY CRAWFORD, REBECCA ROMAJIN and also one MODEL we don't know. SUPERMODELS (circling Austin) It's him! Oh my God! It's Austin Powers! Austin shoots a look to Reg like 'still got it, baby.' AUSTIN One at a time, girls. One. At. A. Time! CINDY Hi, I'm Cindy. I don't believe I've had the pleasure. AUSTIN Of course you haven't had "The Pleasure", we just met, baby, yeah! REBECCA How do you do, Austin? I'm Rebecca. (indicating the photo gear) Your equipment is quite impressive. AUSTIN Thank you. Your breasts are amazing. Austin comes to the unknown model. She is tall and angular. AUSTIN And what's your name, baby? MODEL (thick Russian accent) Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN Excuse me? IVANA Ivana. Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN And I vanna toilet made of solid gold but it's just not in the cards, now is it? Austin looks over the girls, trying to decide who is the spy. AUSTIN (V.O.) (inner monologue) Now, which one is the Russian spy? Cindy Crawford, Rebecca Romajin... or Ivana Humpalot? Think, man, think! Austin begins snapping pictures. The sequence is shot like a photo shoot, with freeze frames, etc. AUSTIN Alright, baby! Love it. Turn and pout for me baby! Smashing! Cindy gets on all fours. AUSTIN Great, darling. Give me some shoulder. Yes, yes, yes. (angry) No! No! FULL FRAME, cover of Vogue. Cindy with her head framed out. AUSTIN (to Rebecca) Show me love. Smashing! You're an animal. You're a tiger. Be a tiger, baby! You're great! You're Grrrrrr- eat! You're Tony, be corn flakes, baby, be frosted. Now be a lemur, baby! You're a ring-tailed lemur. Rebecca looks confused. REBECCA A lemur? AUSTIN A small mammal native to the African savannah. C'mon baby, you know. Like this! (imitating lemur) OK, predator coming! Now, burrow, burrow! You're a lemur. It's all you've got. (beat) I take it back. Be a tiger again. Smashing! FULL FRAME, Rebecca on the cover of National--Geographic. AUSTIN And... done! I'm spent! Austin throws his camera to Reg, who catches it. REG Hel-lo, you forgot about Ivana. AUSTIN I didn't forget, baby. Miss Humpalot and I are going to have a 'private session'. Reg shows the girls out as they PROTEST. Austin and Ivana are left alone. Austin CLAPS TWICE and the lights dim. He CLAPS again and the fire goes up. MUSIC: I'm Never Going To Fall in Love Again by BURT BACHARACH IVANA When did you get "The Clapper"? AUSTIN November, 1964, Dutch East Indies, shore leave. IVANA Are you cold, Mr. Powers? AUSTIN I once had a bad experience with frostbite. I had to dip my tadger into a brandy snifter. Ivana moves over to a chessboard set up nearby. IVANA Do you know how we keep warm in Russia? AUSTIN I can guess, baby. IVANA We play chess. AUSTIN I guessed wrong. IVANA It takes a keen intelligence to play chess. Of course, you know what they say about men with big brains, don't you? AUSTIN They wear large hats? IVANA No, they make better lovers. AUSTIN Wrong again. Ivana starts playing with the chess pieces sexily (like in The Thomas Crowne Affair). IVANA I assume you know how to play. She runs the bishop across her lips sexily. AUSTIN Of course. The... horsey... moves in an L shape. Austin tries to match her sexy moves and CHOKES on a piece. AUSTIN Let's stop playing games with each other... especially difficult ones. May I ask you a question, Miss Humpalot? IVANA Of course. AUSTIN Do I make you horny? Do I? Austin rolls around on the polar bear rug. IVANA I'll tell you anything you want to know, just make love to me. She pulls his shirt off, revealing his prodigious chest hair. IVANA You are hairy, like an animal! AUSTIN (growling and barking) Grrrr, baby. Austin takes the head of the bear skin rug. AUSTIN Grrrr. Ruf! Ruf! (covers the bear's eyes) Wait a tick, I don't want him watching me while I'm on the job! IVANA Make love to me, monkey man. AUSTIN Groovy, baby! We pan around the room, seeing all the stuffed and mounted wildlife who seem to be watching. Suddenly the camera stops. So does the music. IVANA (O.S.) What's the matter? CUT TO: MONTAGE - VARIOUS STOCK FOOTAGE A tall flower wilts and beds over. A souffle falls. A flag is lowered to half mast. A giant redwood falls in a forest. A hot air balloon deflates and falls. An actual scientific diagram of a penis in the refractory period. INT. LODGE AUSTIN (to camera) Crikey, I've lost my mojo. EXT. LONDON STREETS (STOCK FOOTAGE) An ambulance races through the streets, SIREN BLARING. EXT. MINISTRY OF DEFENSE SUPER: "MINISTRY OF DEFENSE" INT. MOD - HALLWAY Basil hurries through, pushing past TECHNICIANS and WORKERS. BASIL EXPOSITION Where is he? In here? INT. MOD - LAB Basil enters. Cross between a hospital room and a lab. Austin lies in bed hooked up to lots of monitoring equipment. BASIL EXPOSITION Austin, I came as soon as I heard. AUSTIN There must be some kind of mistake, Basil. Maybe I was drunk and I didn't know it. Austin holds his neck very stiffly. BASIL EXPOSITION What's wrong with your neck, Austin? AUSTIN (turning stiffly to face Basil) I took a Viagra and it got caught in my throat. I've had a stiff neck for hours. Basil, is it true? Have I lost my mojo? BASIL EXPOSITION We're going to run a few tests, Austin. Don't worry, old friend, we'll get to the bottom of this. INT. MRI MACHINE Austin is being loaded into one of those big scary MRI machines: the MOJONATOR 9000. The mojo meter reads VERY LOW. INT. MOD LAB MONTAGE (TIME-LAPSE): Technicians in white suits and masks transform the room into a love lair: A pair of Latex-gloved hands carefully puts a BURT BACHARACH record on a turntable. Examination lights are replaced with LAVA LAMPS. A tray is brought in with a videotape marked "SWEDISH EDUCATIONAL FILM." Finally, the transformation is complete. Austin lies in bed reading a vintage PLAYBOY. A CANDY STRIPE NURSE enters, very pretty, in a tight outfit. NURSE Excuse me, Mr. Powers, I need to give you a sponge bath before we begin the test. AUSTIN (not paying attention to her) Alright, miss, just let me finish this article on the Suez crisis. An ALARM goes off. Bright LIGHTS come on. Basil enters. AUSTIN What's going on? BASIL EXPOSITION Alright, everyone, we're done. AUSTIN But the test hasn't even started!

familiars

How many times the word 'familiars' appears in the text?

Austin Powers - The Spy Who Shagged Me Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME By Mike Myers MUSIC: timpani roll and dramatic sting NARRATOR In his last adventure, Austin Powers, a swinging spy from the Sixties, was unfrozen in the Nineties to battle his archenemy Dr. Evil. Austin foiled Dr. Evil's plan to send a nuclear warhead to the center of the earth and banished him into space forever. Or so he thought. EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT (ESTABLISHING SHOT FROM FIRST MOVIE) SUPER: THE FRENCH RIVIERA INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY Elegant double doors with a brass plaque reading "Honeymoon Suite." A "Do Not-Disturb" sign hangs from the handle. INT. HOTEL SUITE FROM THE FIRST MOVIE: Austin and Vanessa snuggle in bed. She plays with his chest hair. VANESSA I love you, Mr. Powers. AUSTIN And I love you, Mrs. Powers. SHOT TO MATCH EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin gets out of bed. We see Vanessa putting on her robe from behind, and then EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa kiss. VANESSA Let's go out on the terrace. It's a beautiful night, we can look at the stars. EXT. HOTEL BALCONY EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa gaze at the stars. AUSTIN Look how beautiful the night sky is. VANESSA Isn't that the big dipper? AUSTIN Yeah, and that looks just like Uranus. VANESSA Austin! AUSTIN (sheepish) Well, you know. VANESSA Hey, I've never seen that big star before. AUSTIN Yeah, what is that? Austin pulls out his telescope and takes a look. AUSTIN'S POV - TELESCOPE EFFECT EXT. SPACE EXISTING SHOT: The Bob's Big Boy rocket. INT. DR. EVIL'S CAPSULE DR. EVIL This isn't over yet, Mr. Powers. I have one more trick up my sleeve, don't I Mr. Bigglesworth? The frozen Mr. Bigglesworth MEOWS. EXT. SPACE The Bob's Big Boy rocket. Suddenly, a hatch opens in Bob's rear end and Dr. Evil's silver egg capsule poops out. SFX: PLOOP! Capsule begins fiery re-entry to Earth INT. HOTEL ROOM Austin comes in and shuts the balcony door. AUSTIN Oh well, I guess it was nothing. A VANESSA DOUBLE crosses carrying a bouquet of flowers, which obscure her face. AUSTIN Care for some champagne? (pouring) Here's to monotony-- I mean, monogamy! Vanessa sits at the vanity with her back turned. AUSTIN Hello? Vanessa? What are you doing, luv? VANESSA (back turned) Just putting on my-- As Vanessa turns around she puts her hands up and PULLS OFF HER FACE revealing wires, transistors, and a speaker where her mouth should be. FEMBOT VANESSA (computer voice) MAKE-UP! AUSTIN (frightened) Vanessa, you're a Fembot! They fight. Midway through the fight, machine guns pop out of Vanessa's breasts. AUSTIN Machine gun jubblies, how did I miss those? VANESSA (robot voice) PERHAPS NEXT TIME YOU SHOULD TRY FOREPLAY. Her machine gun breasts FIRE, spraying the room in SLO-MO. Then they run out of ammo and CLICK, CLICK. Austin empties his gun into the robot, but to no avail. She rushes at him, he gives her a judo chop, also to no avail. Then Austin' notices a SELF-DESTRUCT switch and hits it. She starts to twitch, her head spins, and she EXPLODES. Fembot parts fly around the room. Austin sits on the bed, saddened. He holds Vanessa's hand, which has wires hanging out of it. On one of the fingers is her wedding ring. MUSIC: VERY SAD PIANO AUSTIN (very sad) I can't believe Vanessa, my bride, my one true love, the woman who taught me the beauty of sharing your whole life with another, the person who taught me the meaning of love, was a Fembot. How will I ever go on? (beat) Wait a tic! That means I'm single! Oh, behave! INT. LOBBY - HOTEL Rich European guests mill about the luxurious lobby. Suddenly, Austin dances through naked. Just as we are about to see his bits and pieces, a man lifts up his suitcase. AUSTIN Yeah, baby, I'm free! I'm naked and free! SEQUENCE CREDIT MUSIC: Soul Bassanova by QUINCY JONES PAN UP Austin's NAKED body as he walks down a boardwalk. Just as the camera reaches that most sensitive of areas, a credit appears STARRING MIKE MYERS. Austin gives a big 'who me?' and we FREEZE FRAME. EXT. BOARDWALK - FRENCH RIVERA European types stare and point. We see Austin from behind. His bottom half is blocked by a bicycle. The bicycle moves away. Just as Austin's bum is about to be revealed- A CREDIT APPEARS blocking it. Austin turns his head around to the camera and puts his hand to his mouth in an 'oh my!' take and we FREEZE FRAME. A MAN IN A RAINCOAT flashes Austin, his thingy blocked by a credit. Austin just laughs...crazy, man! Austin goes around a corner. A moment later he returns, followed by a NUDE MARCHING BAND. A SIGN on the left side of the screen reads "Warning! Nude Beach". Austin enters from the left. We see his naked, hairy torso from the waist up. Just as he is about to appear from behind the sign, a... CREDIT APPEARS MOVING LEFT TO RIGHT Blocking his penis lengthwise as he walks. NUDE BEACH - CREDIT SEQUENCE A girl sits on a blanket; a HORIZONTAL CREDIT blocks her bare chest. Austin lays on his back beside her, trying to be suave; A VERTICAL CREDIT appears. The wind blows away a kite, revealing a stark-naked girl. The credit "PRODUCTION DESIGN" blocks her chest; the credit "BY" blocks her you-know-what. Austin walks into frame; the "PRODUCTION DESIGNER'S NAME" disguises his growing interest. Austin joins a nude volleyball game in progress. CREDITS appear everywhere to block all possible combinations of nudity. People leap in all directions to make saves, causing CREDITS TO APPEAR at crazy angles. A pretty girl watches Austin lift weights. Her boobs are blocked by the "WRITTEN BY" credit. Austin lifts a dumbbell. The credit "MIKE MYERS" sticks out from his waist. Austin looks proud. A BUFF NAKED BODYBUILDER joins them. He lifts a much heavier weight. A much longer credit sticks out from his waist: "AND MICHAEL MCCULLERS". Austin pouts. Austin runs down the beach, his bum blocked by the credit "DIRECTED BY". He jumps on a trampoline and does the splits in mid-air: FREEZE FRAME AND PAN AROUND LIKE IN THE GAP "KHAKI SWING" AD. Austin smiles crazily, his penis blocked by "JAY ROACH." Austin does a super-duper double flip into his JAGUAR. AUSTIN Shaguar, baby, yeah! CU on the chrome script on the grill: it reads "Shaguar" where it would normally read "Jaguar". The car speeds off. FULL SCREEN TV JERRY SPRINGER SHOW On the stage we see a Klansman father and his Klansman son, a Nazi father and his Nazi son, and SCOTT EVIL all seated on a panel. Lower Third Chyron: "MY FATHER IS EVIL AND WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" JERRY SPRINGER If you just joined us, today's topic is "my father is evil and wants to take over the world". Now, Bobby, you had something you wanted to share with your father before the break. BOBBY Dad, I know you're against race mixing and all that, but I met someone... KLANSMAN Don't say it! The crowd WHOOPS. BOBBY I met someone... and he's black. The crowd goes crazy. KLANSMAN He? The Klansman holds his hooded head in his hands. JERRY SPRINGER Please welcome Tim. A handsome Blair Underwood look-alike enters and hugs the Klansman's son. The crowd screams. JERRY MOVES TO SCOTT EVIL. JERRY SPRINGER Now Scott, tell us about your father. Share with us. SCOTT Well he's the head of an evil organization that has aspirations for world domination. JERRY SPRINGER And where is your father right now? SCOTT He's in outer space, like frozen in a giant egg and stuffed inside a Big Boy rocket with his cat, Mr. Bigglesworth. JERRY SPRINGER Really? Well, we have a surprise for you, Scott. Let's bring out SCOTT'S father, Dr Evil. Dr Evil enters. Lower Third Chyron: "WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" DR. EVIL Hello Scott, I'm back. SCOTT I can't believe you'd do this to me on national television! DR. EVIL They offered me a free makeover. JERRY SPRINGER Dr. Evil, we've seen a lot of the fathers here today open up to their sons, sons to the fathers. Is there anything you'd like to share? DR. EVIL Share? JERRY SPRINGER Yes, don't you have any secrets? DR. EVIL OK. I have a vestigial tail. Everyone is a little grossed out. DR. EVIL It's more of a nub, really. The spine just goes on a little longer than it should. Also, I've dabbled. I mean, perform fellatio once and you're a poet, twice and you're a homosexual. I remember once I was being fisted by Sebastian Cabot- but here's where the story gets interesting. He was lactose-intolerant. He could eat red meat all night long, but one sip of milk and it was gastric hell. And I remember we were caught in fragrance delicto by Henry Kissinger, and you can imagine my humiliation at having Hank hear me say, "Mr. French, no teeth." One of my greatest disappointments is that I never became a song and dance man. I could have been a quadruple threat, kind of like a despotic Ken Barry. Dancer, singer, actor, and I would possess nuclear weapons, the latter being the most threatening of the four. I once sat on a bus and tried to will myself a menstrual cycle. All I ended up with was a sense of failure and a mild neuralgia in my incisor teeth and perhaps a grudging respect for the weaker sex. I love toe cleavage. For the most part I distrust dogs. I slept in a horse once. It was quite roomy. On second thought, it was the Ritz. I named my left testicle 'piss' and my right testicle 'vinegar'. I wrote "It's Raining Men", or so the Christmas babies told me. Oh yes, I also made a Marzipan voodoo effigy of The Fonze while I was in coma after smoking some Peruvian prayer hash, but who at the end of the day can honestly say they haven't done that? The Springer audience is stunned, slack-jawed and for once quiet. KLANSMAN What are you, some kind of freak? SCOTT Shut up, jagoff! Studio audience whoops at this. KLANSMAN I'll kick your ass punk! Crowd goes crazy. DR. EVIL No one talks to my boy that way! Dr. Evil charges at Klansman and starts to bitch slap him. Security men, with headsets on, rush in to separate them. DR. EVIL I'm OK, I'm OK. There is a BEAT, then Dr. Evil CHARGES the guy again, knocking him down. DR. EVIL Come Scott, let's go to daddy's new evil lair. EXT. WORLD HEADQUARTERS BUILDING - DAY We pan up a modern office building. The camera reaches the top of the building and we see a giant STARBUCKS LOGO and the words: Starbucks World Headquarters. INT. STARBUCKS BOARD ROOM The penthouse boardroom is adorned with Starbucks paraphernalia: large logo, clear canisters full of beans, and a large world map with a little logo everywhere there is a Starbucks. Around a large table are Dr. Evil, Number Two (bandaged and lightly spotted with soot), Frau, Scott and a couple of NEW HENCHMEN. A Starbucks employee serves everyone steaming hot coffee products. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, as the legitimate frontman of your organization, I seized upon the opportunity to invest in a small Seattle-based coffee company several years ago. Today, Starbucks is a far- flung empire with 2000 outlets worldwide. DR. EVIL Oh good, Number Two, I do enjoy a good cuppa joe. NUMBER TWO If I may continue, I believe if we shift our resources away from world domination and focus on providing premium quality coffee drinks, we can increase our gross profits fivefold. Dr. Evil takes a sip of cappuccino, leaving a WHITE FROTHY MILK MUSTACHE on his upper lip. DR. EVIL Right. Perhaps you've confused me with someone who gives a shit. Might I remind you that I run the show here? I demand a little respect. NUMBER TWO (indicating Dr. Evil's milk mustache) Dr. Evil, I think you-- DR. EVIL Silence! I will not tolerate your insolence! Remember what happened last time. FLASHBACK (FOOTAGE FROM FIRST MOVIE) Number Two disappears backwards into the fiery pit. INT. STARBUCKS WORLD HEADQUARTERS Number Two smiles weakly, breaking into a sweat on his brow. NUMBER TWO May I add, I appreciate you reinstating me after our little... misunderstanding. DR. EVIL Frau Farbissina. Wie gehts is einen? We see Frau. She looks a little more 'masculine' than before. FRAU Zehr gut, Herr Doctor. DR. EVIL How are things? FRAU I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak it's name. To my right is my lover. We see a severe-looking German woman with one continuous eyebrow. FRAU Her name is Unibrau. I met her on the LPGA Tour. DR. EVIL Right on. Welcome, Unibrau. Dr. Evil takes another sip of cappuccino, making the frothy milk mustache even larger. FRAU Doctor, you have a 'milk mustache.' DR. EVIL (wiping it off, embarrassed) Oh, I know. I know. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I'd like to introduce the Greek assassin, Oedipus. We see a swarthy Greek army guy. DR. EVIL Welcome to my private army, Oedipus. Excited? OEDIPUS I could give a shit. DR. EVIL Kiss your mother with that mouth? OEDIPUS Yes. DR. EVIL Of course you do. Dr Evil begins to press a button labelled "Oedipus" on his control panel, but Number Two interrupts. NUMBER TWO (clearing throat) Dr. Evil, as you know, the rate at which you liquidate henchmen far exceeds our ability to replace them. DR. EVIL I have so few pleasures left to me, Number Two. The key to life is to rotate your vices. One day it's executions, another day it's creamy French cheese. It's like frickin' heroin. NUMBER TWO Well, Dr. Evil, perhaps I have the answer. While you were frozen, we began a program to clone you. DR. EVIL Cool. NUMBER TWO We had a few glitches, but I think you'll be pleased with the results. FRAU (shouting) Send in the clone! MUSIC: dramatic sting We see the shadow of an approaching figure. The shadow looks like Dr. Evil, only much larger and scarier. NUMBER TWO He is identical to you in every way, except he is one-eighth your size. We see that the source of the shadow is a MINIATURE DR. EVIL, just like the creepy mini-Marlon Brando in The Island of Dr. Moreau. He mimics Dr. Evil's mannerisms including holding his tiny pinky to his tiny mouth. DR. EVIL Breathtaking. I shall call him Mini- Me. (to clone) Mini-Me, you will sit to my right. Mini-Me sits down in a miniature version of Dr. Evil's command chair. DR. EVIL Come Mr. Bigglesworth! The bald Mr. Bigglesworth runs and jumps into Dr. Evil's lap. A bald MR. BIGGLESWORTH KITTEN jumps into Mini-Me's lap. DR. EVIL Mini-me, something to eat? (expectant pause) No? (pause) OK. (to room) Tired. Gentleman, I have a plan. As you know, the most powerful man in the world is the President of the United States. But he is just that- a man, subject to temptations of the flesh like any other man. Here's what we do: we make it seem that the President has had "extra-marital oral relations" with- and this is the kicker- DRAMATIC STING, SNAP ZOOM TO DR. EVIL. DR. EVIL With a White House intern! Dr. Evil gloats. So does Mini-Me. NUMBER TWO (clearing his throat) Uh-hem. DR. EVIL What, that already happened? Number Two nods. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous. Oh well, how about a frickin' time machine? Does the president have a time machine? Have I been scooped on that? NUMBER TWO No, not that I'm aware of. DR. EVIL Alright, time machine it is. As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen? SCOTT Because you never kill him when you get the chance and you're a dope? Mini-Me hops upon the table and tries to push the "Scott Evil" button on Dr. Evil's control panel. Frau SQUIRTS him with a water bottle. Mini-Me glares at Scott and GIVES HIM THE FINGER. DR. EVIL No, because Austin Powers has "mojo". NUMBER TWO Mojo? FRAU Yes, mojo. The mojo is the life force, the essence, the libido, the "right stuff". DR. EVIL It's what the French call a certain 'I don't know what.' SCOTT If you've got a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill Austin Powers when he's a baby or something? DR. EVIL No, no, no. NUMBER TWO (interrupting) Dr. Evil, wouldn't it be easier to use your knowledge of the future to play the stock market? We could literally make trillions. DR. EVIL (smug laugh to himself) Why make trillions when we could make... (pause) Billions? NUMBER TWO Excuse me? DR. EVIL Why think small is all I'm saying. SCOTT A trillion is more than a billion, numb-nuts. DR. EVIL Zip it. Unveil the time portal! A wall panel opens to reveal a Stargate-like wall of shimmering energy. DR. EVIL Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the time portal. As you know, Austin Powers was frozen in 1967. Therefore, I time travel to 1969, two years after he was frozen. Security will be lax and I'll strike when he is totally helpless. First, I take Austin Powers' mojo. Then I begin my domination of the world. SCOTT Can I come? DR. EVIL No, Scott, Daddy has a score to settle. Austin Powers is the snake to my mongoose, or the mongoose to my snake. Either way it's bad, I don't know animals. But I do know this: This time it's personal. Frau, Number 2, I'll see you both in 1969. Come, Mini-Me. Dr. Evil walks to the portal. Mini-Me follows, imitating him perfectly. They enter the portal. There is a FREEZE FRAME effect and they FADE AWAY, like in Star Trek. INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - Dr. Evil and Mini-Me emerge on the other side of the portal into a NEW LAIR. It is a large hollowed-out volcano room dominated by chrome conduits and tasteful art pieces. A younger Frau sits with NUMBER TWO, now played by ROB LOWE in an eye-patch. DR. EVIL Ah, here we are Mini-Me, 1969. Number Two, you look very youthful and healthy. (turning to Frau) And Frau you look...right. As Dr. Evil walks to the center of the room, chairs rise from the floor. Everyone takes a seat, but Dr. Evil gets caught in the middle as chairs rise around him. He is frightened. One of the rising chairs hits him in the crotch. DR. EVIL OK, people, we now officially have a chair problem. If another one of these chairs hits me in the nuts, I'm gonna go postal. Mini-Me, I want you to meet Number Two. NUMBER TWO Hello there. Mini-me says nothing. DR. EVIL Mini-Me? Mini-me still says nothing. DR. EVIL Shy. Low blood sugar. (to room) Gentlemen, Phase Two is beginning. I have an operative inside the Ministry of Defense. By this time tomorrow, Austin Powers' mojo will be mine. Dr. Evil goes over and looks out the large window. DR. EVIL (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! EXT. DR. EVIL'S TROPICAL ISLAND - We cut outside to see that window is in fact the left eye of a Mt. Rushmore-type depiction of Dr. Evil carved into the side of a volcano on a tropical island. DR. EVIL (V.O.) (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! INT. MOD - CRYOGENIC FREEZING ROOM - We see Austin's FROZEN BODY in cryogenic storage. Above it, we see two digital clocks. One reads: CURRENT DATE: MAY 25, 1969, the other reads: DATE FROZEN: NOVEMBER 11, 1967. One of the SCOTS GUARDS, is an IMMENSELY FAT SCOTTISH SOLDIER (played by Mike Myers). BRITISH COLONEL We've had reports that there's a spy in the Ministry of Defense. The contents of this room are vital to the country. Be on special alert. FAT SOLDIER (thick Scottish accent) Those bastards will have to kill me before I let anything happen to this wee naked hairy popsicle, sir! BRITISH COLONEL Very good. And try and lose some weight for God's sake! They exchange salutes and the Colonel exits. FAT SOLDIER Yessir! (sotto after the Colonel) I outta smash your teeth out with a Toffee Hammer Mr. English Colonel Telling-Me-What-To-Do-And-Stealing- our-Oil-Refusing-To-Recognize- our- Scottish-Independence! The Fat Soldier begins to play the BAGPIPES, a white vapor comes out of them, filling the room. The other soldiers COLLAPSE, unconscious. He bores through the ice and pulls out a Sixties high-tech syringe type device with an LED graph on the side. He places it in Austin's navel. The LED meter goes from red to green, indicating FULL MOJO. EXT./INT. AUSTIN'S SHAGUAR - DRIVING - DAY Austin drives in MODERN TRAFFIC. He is drinking a STARBUCKS COFFEE and listening to the Jag's in-dash CD PLAYER. Suddenly Austin DROOPS. The car starts to sputter. The fuel gauge reads empty. AUSTIN Gor blimey, I'm on empty! That's funny, I just filled the Shaguar up this morning. Austin hits a button on the dashboard. BASIL EXPOSITION appears on the picture phone in the dash. BASIL EXPOSITION (on picture phone) Hello, I'm Basil Exposition, head of British Intelligence. AUSTIN You always are, Basil. Listen, the weirdest thing just happened, I've run out of petrol. BASIL EXPOSITION We'll send a man around immediately. How was your honeymoon? AUSTIN Vanessa tried to kill me, Basil. She was a Fembot! BASIL EXPOSITION Ah women, who can understand them? Moving on, let's discuss your new case. AUSTIN New case? Very shagadelic, Basil! BASIL EXPOSITION You'll be doing a photo shoot. We know that one of the models is an ex- KGB agent selling top secret material to the highest bidder. AUSTIN That sounds easy enough, you know what they say: all work and no shagging makes Austin a dull boy, man! INT. SKI LODGE Austin sets up his photo equipment. The room is decorated in classic Heffner- bear skin rugs, leather chairs, roaring fire. AUSTIN (looking around) Tres chic, baby. REG, the photo assistant, enters. REG Austin, the models are ready. AUSTIN Ta, Reg. Bless your cotton socks. Hey, Reg, do you have any hobbies? REG What? AUSTIN Hobbies, man! I for one enjoy making models! The models make their entrance. They are REAL SUPERMODELS, say CINDY CRAWFORD, REBECCA ROMAJIN and also one MODEL we don't know. SUPERMODELS (circling Austin) It's him! Oh my God! It's Austin Powers! Austin shoots a look to Reg like 'still got it, baby.' AUSTIN One at a time, girls. One. At. A. Time! CINDY Hi, I'm Cindy. I don't believe I've had the pleasure. AUSTIN Of course you haven't had "The Pleasure", we just met, baby, yeah! REBECCA How do you do, Austin? I'm Rebecca. (indicating the photo gear) Your equipment is quite impressive. AUSTIN Thank you. Your breasts are amazing. Austin comes to the unknown model. She is tall and angular. AUSTIN And what's your name, baby? MODEL (thick Russian accent) Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN Excuse me? IVANA Ivana. Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN And I vanna toilet made of solid gold but it's just not in the cards, now is it? Austin looks over the girls, trying to decide who is the spy. AUSTIN (V.O.) (inner monologue) Now, which one is the Russian spy? Cindy Crawford, Rebecca Romajin... or Ivana Humpalot? Think, man, think! Austin begins snapping pictures. The sequence is shot like a photo shoot, with freeze frames, etc. AUSTIN Alright, baby! Love it. Turn and pout for me baby! Smashing! Cindy gets on all fours. AUSTIN Great, darling. Give me some shoulder. Yes, yes, yes. (angry) No! No! FULL FRAME, cover of Vogue. Cindy with her head framed out. AUSTIN (to Rebecca) Show me love. Smashing! You're an animal. You're a tiger. Be a tiger, baby! You're great! You're Grrrrrr- eat! You're Tony, be corn flakes, baby, be frosted. Now be a lemur, baby! You're a ring-tailed lemur. Rebecca looks confused. REBECCA A lemur? AUSTIN A small mammal native to the African savannah. C'mon baby, you know. Like this! (imitating lemur) OK, predator coming! Now, burrow, burrow! You're a lemur. It's all you've got. (beat) I take it back. Be a tiger again. Smashing! FULL FRAME, Rebecca on the cover of National--Geographic. AUSTIN And... done! I'm spent! Austin throws his camera to Reg, who catches it. REG Hel-lo, you forgot about Ivana. AUSTIN I didn't forget, baby. Miss Humpalot and I are going to have a 'private session'. Reg shows the girls out as they PROTEST. Austin and Ivana are left alone. Austin CLAPS TWICE and the lights dim. He CLAPS again and the fire goes up. MUSIC: I'm Never Going To Fall in Love Again by BURT BACHARACH IVANA When did you get "The Clapper"? AUSTIN November, 1964, Dutch East Indies, shore leave. IVANA Are you cold, Mr. Powers? AUSTIN I once had a bad experience with frostbite. I had to dip my tadger into a brandy snifter. Ivana moves over to a chessboard set up nearby. IVANA Do you know how we keep warm in Russia? AUSTIN I can guess, baby. IVANA We play chess. AUSTIN I guessed wrong. IVANA It takes a keen intelligence to play chess. Of course, you know what they say about men with big brains, don't you? AUSTIN They wear large hats? IVANA No, they make better lovers. AUSTIN Wrong again. Ivana starts playing with the chess pieces sexily (like in The Thomas Crowne Affair). IVANA I assume you know how to play. She runs the bishop across her lips sexily. AUSTIN Of course. The... horsey... moves in an L shape. Austin tries to match her sexy moves and CHOKES on a piece. AUSTIN Let's stop playing games with each other... especially difficult ones. May I ask you a question, Miss Humpalot? IVANA Of course. AUSTIN Do I make you horny? Do I? Austin rolls around on the polar bear rug. IVANA I'll tell you anything you want to know, just make love to me. She pulls his shirt off, revealing his prodigious chest hair. IVANA You are hairy, like an animal! AUSTIN (growling and barking) Grrrr, baby. Austin takes the head of the bear skin rug. AUSTIN Grrrr. Ruf! Ruf! (covers the bear's eyes) Wait a tick, I don't want him watching me while I'm on the job! IVANA Make love to me, monkey man. AUSTIN Groovy, baby! We pan around the room, seeing all the stuffed and mounted wildlife who seem to be watching. Suddenly the camera stops. So does the music. IVANA (O.S.) What's the matter? CUT TO: MONTAGE - VARIOUS STOCK FOOTAGE A tall flower wilts and beds over. A souffle falls. A flag is lowered to half mast. A giant redwood falls in a forest. A hot air balloon deflates and falls. An actual scientific diagram of a penis in the refractory period. INT. LODGE AUSTIN (to camera) Crikey, I've lost my mojo. EXT. LONDON STREETS (STOCK FOOTAGE) An ambulance races through the streets, SIREN BLARING. EXT. MINISTRY OF DEFENSE SUPER: "MINISTRY OF DEFENSE" INT. MOD - HALLWAY Basil hurries through, pushing past TECHNICIANS and WORKERS. BASIL EXPOSITION Where is he? In here? INT. MOD - LAB Basil enters. Cross between a hospital room and a lab. Austin lies in bed hooked up to lots of monitoring equipment. BASIL EXPOSITION Austin, I came as soon as I heard. AUSTIN There must be some kind of mistake, Basil. Maybe I was drunk and I didn't know it. Austin holds his neck very stiffly. BASIL EXPOSITION What's wrong with your neck, Austin? AUSTIN (turning stiffly to face Basil) I took a Viagra and it got caught in my throat. I've had a stiff neck for hours. Basil, is it true? Have I lost my mojo? BASIL EXPOSITION We're going to run a few tests, Austin. Don't worry, old friend, we'll get to the bottom of this. INT. MRI MACHINE Austin is being loaded into one of those big scary MRI machines: the MOJONATOR 9000. The mojo meter reads VERY LOW. INT. MOD LAB MONTAGE (TIME-LAPSE): Technicians in white suits and masks transform the room into a love lair: A pair of Latex-gloved hands carefully puts a BURT BACHARACH record on a turntable. Examination lights are replaced with LAVA LAMPS. A tray is brought in with a videotape marked "SWEDISH EDUCATIONAL FILM." Finally, the transformation is complete. Austin lies in bed reading a vintage PLAYBOY. A CANDY STRIPE NURSE enters, very pretty, in a tight outfit. NURSE Excuse me, Mr. Powers, I need to give you a sponge bath before we begin the test. AUSTIN (not paying attention to her) Alright, miss, just let me finish this article on the Suez crisis. An ALARM goes off. Bright LIGHTS come on. Basil enters. AUSTIN What's going on? BASIL EXPOSITION Alright, everyone, we're done. AUSTIN But the test hasn't even started!

ascertain

How many times the word 'ascertain' appears in the text?

Austin Powers - The Spy Who Shagged Me Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME By Mike Myers MUSIC: timpani roll and dramatic sting NARRATOR In his last adventure, Austin Powers, a swinging spy from the Sixties, was unfrozen in the Nineties to battle his archenemy Dr. Evil. Austin foiled Dr. Evil's plan to send a nuclear warhead to the center of the earth and banished him into space forever. Or so he thought. EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT (ESTABLISHING SHOT FROM FIRST MOVIE) SUPER: THE FRENCH RIVIERA INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY Elegant double doors with a brass plaque reading "Honeymoon Suite." A "Do Not-Disturb" sign hangs from the handle. INT. HOTEL SUITE FROM THE FIRST MOVIE: Austin and Vanessa snuggle in bed. She plays with his chest hair. VANESSA I love you, Mr. Powers. AUSTIN And I love you, Mrs. Powers. SHOT TO MATCH EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin gets out of bed. We see Vanessa putting on her robe from behind, and then EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa kiss. VANESSA Let's go out on the terrace. It's a beautiful night, we can look at the stars. EXT. HOTEL BALCONY EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa gaze at the stars. AUSTIN Look how beautiful the night sky is. VANESSA Isn't that the big dipper? AUSTIN Yeah, and that looks just like Uranus. VANESSA Austin! AUSTIN (sheepish) Well, you know. VANESSA Hey, I've never seen that big star before. AUSTIN Yeah, what is that? Austin pulls out his telescope and takes a look. AUSTIN'S POV - TELESCOPE EFFECT EXT. SPACE EXISTING SHOT: The Bob's Big Boy rocket. INT. DR. EVIL'S CAPSULE DR. EVIL This isn't over yet, Mr. Powers. I have one more trick up my sleeve, don't I Mr. Bigglesworth? The frozen Mr. Bigglesworth MEOWS. EXT. SPACE The Bob's Big Boy rocket. Suddenly, a hatch opens in Bob's rear end and Dr. Evil's silver egg capsule poops out. SFX: PLOOP! Capsule begins fiery re-entry to Earth INT. HOTEL ROOM Austin comes in and shuts the balcony door. AUSTIN Oh well, I guess it was nothing. A VANESSA DOUBLE crosses carrying a bouquet of flowers, which obscure her face. AUSTIN Care for some champagne? (pouring) Here's to monotony-- I mean, monogamy! Vanessa sits at the vanity with her back turned. AUSTIN Hello? Vanessa? What are you doing, luv? VANESSA (back turned) Just putting on my-- As Vanessa turns around she puts her hands up and PULLS OFF HER FACE revealing wires, transistors, and a speaker where her mouth should be. FEMBOT VANESSA (computer voice) MAKE-UP! AUSTIN (frightened) Vanessa, you're a Fembot! They fight. Midway through the fight, machine guns pop out of Vanessa's breasts. AUSTIN Machine gun jubblies, how did I miss those? VANESSA (robot voice) PERHAPS NEXT TIME YOU SHOULD TRY FOREPLAY. Her machine gun breasts FIRE, spraying the room in SLO-MO. Then they run out of ammo and CLICK, CLICK. Austin empties his gun into the robot, but to no avail. She rushes at him, he gives her a judo chop, also to no avail. Then Austin' notices a SELF-DESTRUCT switch and hits it. She starts to twitch, her head spins, and she EXPLODES. Fembot parts fly around the room. Austin sits on the bed, saddened. He holds Vanessa's hand, which has wires hanging out of it. On one of the fingers is her wedding ring. MUSIC: VERY SAD PIANO AUSTIN (very sad) I can't believe Vanessa, my bride, my one true love, the woman who taught me the beauty of sharing your whole life with another, the person who taught me the meaning of love, was a Fembot. How will I ever go on? (beat) Wait a tic! That means I'm single! Oh, behave! INT. LOBBY - HOTEL Rich European guests mill about the luxurious lobby. Suddenly, Austin dances through naked. Just as we are about to see his bits and pieces, a man lifts up his suitcase. AUSTIN Yeah, baby, I'm free! I'm naked and free! SEQUENCE CREDIT MUSIC: Soul Bassanova by QUINCY JONES PAN UP Austin's NAKED body as he walks down a boardwalk. Just as the camera reaches that most sensitive of areas, a credit appears STARRING MIKE MYERS. Austin gives a big 'who me?' and we FREEZE FRAME. EXT. BOARDWALK - FRENCH RIVERA European types stare and point. We see Austin from behind. His bottom half is blocked by a bicycle. The bicycle moves away. Just as Austin's bum is about to be revealed- A CREDIT APPEARS blocking it. Austin turns his head around to the camera and puts his hand to his mouth in an 'oh my!' take and we FREEZE FRAME. A MAN IN A RAINCOAT flashes Austin, his thingy blocked by a credit. Austin just laughs...crazy, man! Austin goes around a corner. A moment later he returns, followed by a NUDE MARCHING BAND. A SIGN on the left side of the screen reads "Warning! Nude Beach". Austin enters from the left. We see his naked, hairy torso from the waist up. Just as he is about to appear from behind the sign, a... CREDIT APPEARS MOVING LEFT TO RIGHT Blocking his penis lengthwise as he walks. NUDE BEACH - CREDIT SEQUENCE A girl sits on a blanket; a HORIZONTAL CREDIT blocks her bare chest. Austin lays on his back beside her, trying to be suave; A VERTICAL CREDIT appears. The wind blows away a kite, revealing a stark-naked girl. The credit "PRODUCTION DESIGN" blocks her chest; the credit "BY" blocks her you-know-what. Austin walks into frame; the "PRODUCTION DESIGNER'S NAME" disguises his growing interest. Austin joins a nude volleyball game in progress. CREDITS appear everywhere to block all possible combinations of nudity. People leap in all directions to make saves, causing CREDITS TO APPEAR at crazy angles. A pretty girl watches Austin lift weights. Her boobs are blocked by the "WRITTEN BY" credit. Austin lifts a dumbbell. The credit "MIKE MYERS" sticks out from his waist. Austin looks proud. A BUFF NAKED BODYBUILDER joins them. He lifts a much heavier weight. A much longer credit sticks out from his waist: "AND MICHAEL MCCULLERS". Austin pouts. Austin runs down the beach, his bum blocked by the credit "DIRECTED BY". He jumps on a trampoline and does the splits in mid-air: FREEZE FRAME AND PAN AROUND LIKE IN THE GAP "KHAKI SWING" AD. Austin smiles crazily, his penis blocked by "JAY ROACH." Austin does a super-duper double flip into his JAGUAR. AUSTIN Shaguar, baby, yeah! CU on the chrome script on the grill: it reads "Shaguar" where it would normally read "Jaguar". The car speeds off. FULL SCREEN TV JERRY SPRINGER SHOW On the stage we see a Klansman father and his Klansman son, a Nazi father and his Nazi son, and SCOTT EVIL all seated on a panel. Lower Third Chyron: "MY FATHER IS EVIL AND WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" JERRY SPRINGER If you just joined us, today's topic is "my father is evil and wants to take over the world". Now, Bobby, you had something you wanted to share with your father before the break. BOBBY Dad, I know you're against race mixing and all that, but I met someone... KLANSMAN Don't say it! The crowd WHOOPS. BOBBY I met someone... and he's black. The crowd goes crazy. KLANSMAN He? The Klansman holds his hooded head in his hands. JERRY SPRINGER Please welcome Tim. A handsome Blair Underwood look-alike enters and hugs the Klansman's son. The crowd screams. JERRY MOVES TO SCOTT EVIL. JERRY SPRINGER Now Scott, tell us about your father. Share with us. SCOTT Well he's the head of an evil organization that has aspirations for world domination. JERRY SPRINGER And where is your father right now? SCOTT He's in outer space, like frozen in a giant egg and stuffed inside a Big Boy rocket with his cat, Mr. Bigglesworth. JERRY SPRINGER Really? Well, we have a surprise for you, Scott. Let's bring out SCOTT'S father, Dr Evil. Dr Evil enters. Lower Third Chyron: "WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" DR. EVIL Hello Scott, I'm back. SCOTT I can't believe you'd do this to me on national television! DR. EVIL They offered me a free makeover. JERRY SPRINGER Dr. Evil, we've seen a lot of the fathers here today open up to their sons, sons to the fathers. Is there anything you'd like to share? DR. EVIL Share? JERRY SPRINGER Yes, don't you have any secrets? DR. EVIL OK. I have a vestigial tail. Everyone is a little grossed out. DR. EVIL It's more of a nub, really. The spine just goes on a little longer than it should. Also, I've dabbled. I mean, perform fellatio once and you're a poet, twice and you're a homosexual. I remember once I was being fisted by Sebastian Cabot- but here's where the story gets interesting. He was lactose-intolerant. He could eat red meat all night long, but one sip of milk and it was gastric hell. And I remember we were caught in fragrance delicto by Henry Kissinger, and you can imagine my humiliation at having Hank hear me say, "Mr. French, no teeth." One of my greatest disappointments is that I never became a song and dance man. I could have been a quadruple threat, kind of like a despotic Ken Barry. Dancer, singer, actor, and I would possess nuclear weapons, the latter being the most threatening of the four. I once sat on a bus and tried to will myself a menstrual cycle. All I ended up with was a sense of failure and a mild neuralgia in my incisor teeth and perhaps a grudging respect for the weaker sex. I love toe cleavage. For the most part I distrust dogs. I slept in a horse once. It was quite roomy. On second thought, it was the Ritz. I named my left testicle 'piss' and my right testicle 'vinegar'. I wrote "It's Raining Men", or so the Christmas babies told me. Oh yes, I also made a Marzipan voodoo effigy of The Fonze while I was in coma after smoking some Peruvian prayer hash, but who at the end of the day can honestly say they haven't done that? The Springer audience is stunned, slack-jawed and for once quiet. KLANSMAN What are you, some kind of freak? SCOTT Shut up, jagoff! Studio audience whoops at this. KLANSMAN I'll kick your ass punk! Crowd goes crazy. DR. EVIL No one talks to my boy that way! Dr. Evil charges at Klansman and starts to bitch slap him. Security men, with headsets on, rush in to separate them. DR. EVIL I'm OK, I'm OK. There is a BEAT, then Dr. Evil CHARGES the guy again, knocking him down. DR. EVIL Come Scott, let's go to daddy's new evil lair. EXT. WORLD HEADQUARTERS BUILDING - DAY We pan up a modern office building. The camera reaches the top of the building and we see a giant STARBUCKS LOGO and the words: Starbucks World Headquarters. INT. STARBUCKS BOARD ROOM The penthouse boardroom is adorned with Starbucks paraphernalia: large logo, clear canisters full of beans, and a large world map with a little logo everywhere there is a Starbucks. Around a large table are Dr. Evil, Number Two (bandaged and lightly spotted with soot), Frau, Scott and a couple of NEW HENCHMEN. A Starbucks employee serves everyone steaming hot coffee products. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, as the legitimate frontman of your organization, I seized upon the opportunity to invest in a small Seattle-based coffee company several years ago. Today, Starbucks is a far- flung empire with 2000 outlets worldwide. DR. EVIL Oh good, Number Two, I do enjoy a good cuppa joe. NUMBER TWO If I may continue, I believe if we shift our resources away from world domination and focus on providing premium quality coffee drinks, we can increase our gross profits fivefold. Dr. Evil takes a sip of cappuccino, leaving a WHITE FROTHY MILK MUSTACHE on his upper lip. DR. EVIL Right. Perhaps you've confused me with someone who gives a shit. Might I remind you that I run the show here? I demand a little respect. NUMBER TWO (indicating Dr. Evil's milk mustache) Dr. Evil, I think you-- DR. EVIL Silence! I will not tolerate your insolence! Remember what happened last time. FLASHBACK (FOOTAGE FROM FIRST MOVIE) Number Two disappears backwards into the fiery pit. INT. STARBUCKS WORLD HEADQUARTERS Number Two smiles weakly, breaking into a sweat on his brow. NUMBER TWO May I add, I appreciate you reinstating me after our little... misunderstanding. DR. EVIL Frau Farbissina. Wie gehts is einen? We see Frau. She looks a little more 'masculine' than before. FRAU Zehr gut, Herr Doctor. DR. EVIL How are things? FRAU I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak it's name. To my right is my lover. We see a severe-looking German woman with one continuous eyebrow. FRAU Her name is Unibrau. I met her on the LPGA Tour. DR. EVIL Right on. Welcome, Unibrau. Dr. Evil takes another sip of cappuccino, making the frothy milk mustache even larger. FRAU Doctor, you have a 'milk mustache.' DR. EVIL (wiping it off, embarrassed) Oh, I know. I know. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I'd like to introduce the Greek assassin, Oedipus. We see a swarthy Greek army guy. DR. EVIL Welcome to my private army, Oedipus. Excited? OEDIPUS I could give a shit. DR. EVIL Kiss your mother with that mouth? OEDIPUS Yes. DR. EVIL Of course you do. Dr Evil begins to press a button labelled "Oedipus" on his control panel, but Number Two interrupts. NUMBER TWO (clearing throat) Dr. Evil, as you know, the rate at which you liquidate henchmen far exceeds our ability to replace them. DR. EVIL I have so few pleasures left to me, Number Two. The key to life is to rotate your vices. One day it's executions, another day it's creamy French cheese. It's like frickin' heroin. NUMBER TWO Well, Dr. Evil, perhaps I have the answer. While you were frozen, we began a program to clone you. DR. EVIL Cool. NUMBER TWO We had a few glitches, but I think you'll be pleased with the results. FRAU (shouting) Send in the clone! MUSIC: dramatic sting We see the shadow of an approaching figure. The shadow looks like Dr. Evil, only much larger and scarier. NUMBER TWO He is identical to you in every way, except he is one-eighth your size. We see that the source of the shadow is a MINIATURE DR. EVIL, just like the creepy mini-Marlon Brando in The Island of Dr. Moreau. He mimics Dr. Evil's mannerisms including holding his tiny pinky to his tiny mouth. DR. EVIL Breathtaking. I shall call him Mini- Me. (to clone) Mini-Me, you will sit to my right. Mini-Me sits down in a miniature version of Dr. Evil's command chair. DR. EVIL Come Mr. Bigglesworth! The bald Mr. Bigglesworth runs and jumps into Dr. Evil's lap. A bald MR. BIGGLESWORTH KITTEN jumps into Mini-Me's lap. DR. EVIL Mini-me, something to eat? (expectant pause) No? (pause) OK. (to room) Tired. Gentleman, I have a plan. As you know, the most powerful man in the world is the President of the United States. But he is just that- a man, subject to temptations of the flesh like any other man. Here's what we do: we make it seem that the President has had "extra-marital oral relations" with- and this is the kicker- DRAMATIC STING, SNAP ZOOM TO DR. EVIL. DR. EVIL With a White House intern! Dr. Evil gloats. So does Mini-Me. NUMBER TWO (clearing his throat) Uh-hem. DR. EVIL What, that already happened? Number Two nods. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous. Oh well, how about a frickin' time machine? Does the president have a time machine? Have I been scooped on that? NUMBER TWO No, not that I'm aware of. DR. EVIL Alright, time machine it is. As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen? SCOTT Because you never kill him when you get the chance and you're a dope? Mini-Me hops upon the table and tries to push the "Scott Evil" button on Dr. Evil's control panel. Frau SQUIRTS him with a water bottle. Mini-Me glares at Scott and GIVES HIM THE FINGER. DR. EVIL No, because Austin Powers has "mojo". NUMBER TWO Mojo? FRAU Yes, mojo. The mojo is the life force, the essence, the libido, the "right stuff". DR. EVIL It's what the French call a certain 'I don't know what.' SCOTT If you've got a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill Austin Powers when he's a baby or something? DR. EVIL No, no, no. NUMBER TWO (interrupting) Dr. Evil, wouldn't it be easier to use your knowledge of the future to play the stock market? We could literally make trillions. DR. EVIL (smug laugh to himself) Why make trillions when we could make... (pause) Billions? NUMBER TWO Excuse me? DR. EVIL Why think small is all I'm saying. SCOTT A trillion is more than a billion, numb-nuts. DR. EVIL Zip it. Unveil the time portal! A wall panel opens to reveal a Stargate-like wall of shimmering energy. DR. EVIL Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the time portal. As you know, Austin Powers was frozen in 1967. Therefore, I time travel to 1969, two years after he was frozen. Security will be lax and I'll strike when he is totally helpless. First, I take Austin Powers' mojo. Then I begin my domination of the world. SCOTT Can I come? DR. EVIL No, Scott, Daddy has a score to settle. Austin Powers is the snake to my mongoose, or the mongoose to my snake. Either way it's bad, I don't know animals. But I do know this: This time it's personal. Frau, Number 2, I'll see you both in 1969. Come, Mini-Me. Dr. Evil walks to the portal. Mini-Me follows, imitating him perfectly. They enter the portal. There is a FREEZE FRAME effect and they FADE AWAY, like in Star Trek. INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - Dr. Evil and Mini-Me emerge on the other side of the portal into a NEW LAIR. It is a large hollowed-out volcano room dominated by chrome conduits and tasteful art pieces. A younger Frau sits with NUMBER TWO, now played by ROB LOWE in an eye-patch. DR. EVIL Ah, here we are Mini-Me, 1969. Number Two, you look very youthful and healthy. (turning to Frau) And Frau you look...right. As Dr. Evil walks to the center of the room, chairs rise from the floor. Everyone takes a seat, but Dr. Evil gets caught in the middle as chairs rise around him. He is frightened. One of the rising chairs hits him in the crotch. DR. EVIL OK, people, we now officially have a chair problem. If another one of these chairs hits me in the nuts, I'm gonna go postal. Mini-Me, I want you to meet Number Two. NUMBER TWO Hello there. Mini-me says nothing. DR. EVIL Mini-Me? Mini-me still says nothing. DR. EVIL Shy. Low blood sugar. (to room) Gentlemen, Phase Two is beginning. I have an operative inside the Ministry of Defense. By this time tomorrow, Austin Powers' mojo will be mine. Dr. Evil goes over and looks out the large window. DR. EVIL (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! EXT. DR. EVIL'S TROPICAL ISLAND - We cut outside to see that window is in fact the left eye of a Mt. Rushmore-type depiction of Dr. Evil carved into the side of a volcano on a tropical island. DR. EVIL (V.O.) (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! INT. MOD - CRYOGENIC FREEZING ROOM - We see Austin's FROZEN BODY in cryogenic storage. Above it, we see two digital clocks. One reads: CURRENT DATE: MAY 25, 1969, the other reads: DATE FROZEN: NOVEMBER 11, 1967. One of the SCOTS GUARDS, is an IMMENSELY FAT SCOTTISH SOLDIER (played by Mike Myers). BRITISH COLONEL We've had reports that there's a spy in the Ministry of Defense. The contents of this room are vital to the country. Be on special alert. FAT SOLDIER (thick Scottish accent) Those bastards will have to kill me before I let anything happen to this wee naked hairy popsicle, sir! BRITISH COLONEL Very good. And try and lose some weight for God's sake! They exchange salutes and the Colonel exits. FAT SOLDIER Yessir! (sotto after the Colonel) I outta smash your teeth out with a Toffee Hammer Mr. English Colonel Telling-Me-What-To-Do-And-Stealing- our-Oil-Refusing-To-Recognize- our- Scottish-Independence! The Fat Soldier begins to play the BAGPIPES, a white vapor comes out of them, filling the room. The other soldiers COLLAPSE, unconscious. He bores through the ice and pulls out a Sixties high-tech syringe type device with an LED graph on the side. He places it in Austin's navel. The LED meter goes from red to green, indicating FULL MOJO. EXT./INT. AUSTIN'S SHAGUAR - DRIVING - DAY Austin drives in MODERN TRAFFIC. He is drinking a STARBUCKS COFFEE and listening to the Jag's in-dash CD PLAYER. Suddenly Austin DROOPS. The car starts to sputter. The fuel gauge reads empty. AUSTIN Gor blimey, I'm on empty! That's funny, I just filled the Shaguar up this morning. Austin hits a button on the dashboard. BASIL EXPOSITION appears on the picture phone in the dash. BASIL EXPOSITION (on picture phone) Hello, I'm Basil Exposition, head of British Intelligence. AUSTIN You always are, Basil. Listen, the weirdest thing just happened, I've run out of petrol. BASIL EXPOSITION We'll send a man around immediately. How was your honeymoon? AUSTIN Vanessa tried to kill me, Basil. She was a Fembot! BASIL EXPOSITION Ah women, who can understand them? Moving on, let's discuss your new case. AUSTIN New case? Very shagadelic, Basil! BASIL EXPOSITION You'll be doing a photo shoot. We know that one of the models is an ex- KGB agent selling top secret material to the highest bidder. AUSTIN That sounds easy enough, you know what they say: all work and no shagging makes Austin a dull boy, man! INT. SKI LODGE Austin sets up his photo equipment. The room is decorated in classic Heffner- bear skin rugs, leather chairs, roaring fire. AUSTIN (looking around) Tres chic, baby. REG, the photo assistant, enters. REG Austin, the models are ready. AUSTIN Ta, Reg. Bless your cotton socks. Hey, Reg, do you have any hobbies? REG What? AUSTIN Hobbies, man! I for one enjoy making models! The models make their entrance. They are REAL SUPERMODELS, say CINDY CRAWFORD, REBECCA ROMAJIN and also one MODEL we don't know. SUPERMODELS (circling Austin) It's him! Oh my God! It's Austin Powers! Austin shoots a look to Reg like 'still got it, baby.' AUSTIN One at a time, girls. One. At. A. Time! CINDY Hi, I'm Cindy. I don't believe I've had the pleasure. AUSTIN Of course you haven't had "The Pleasure", we just met, baby, yeah! REBECCA How do you do, Austin? I'm Rebecca. (indicating the photo gear) Your equipment is quite impressive. AUSTIN Thank you. Your breasts are amazing. Austin comes to the unknown model. She is tall and angular. AUSTIN And what's your name, baby? MODEL (thick Russian accent) Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN Excuse me? IVANA Ivana. Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN And I vanna toilet made of solid gold but it's just not in the cards, now is it? Austin looks over the girls, trying to decide who is the spy. AUSTIN (V.O.) (inner monologue) Now, which one is the Russian spy? Cindy Crawford, Rebecca Romajin... or Ivana Humpalot? Think, man, think! Austin begins snapping pictures. The sequence is shot like a photo shoot, with freeze frames, etc. AUSTIN Alright, baby! Love it. Turn and pout for me baby! Smashing! Cindy gets on all fours. AUSTIN Great, darling. Give me some shoulder. Yes, yes, yes. (angry) No! No! FULL FRAME, cover of Vogue. Cindy with her head framed out. AUSTIN (to Rebecca) Show me love. Smashing! You're an animal. You're a tiger. Be a tiger, baby! You're great! You're Grrrrrr- eat! You're Tony, be corn flakes, baby, be frosted. Now be a lemur, baby! You're a ring-tailed lemur. Rebecca looks confused. REBECCA A lemur? AUSTIN A small mammal native to the African savannah. C'mon baby, you know. Like this! (imitating lemur) OK, predator coming! Now, burrow, burrow! You're a lemur. It's all you've got. (beat) I take it back. Be a tiger again. Smashing! FULL FRAME, Rebecca on the cover of National--Geographic. AUSTIN And... done! I'm spent! Austin throws his camera to Reg, who catches it. REG Hel-lo, you forgot about Ivana. AUSTIN I didn't forget, baby. Miss Humpalot and I are going to have a 'private session'. Reg shows the girls out as they PROTEST. Austin and Ivana are left alone. Austin CLAPS TWICE and the lights dim. He CLAPS again and the fire goes up. MUSIC: I'm Never Going To Fall in Love Again by BURT BACHARACH IVANA When did you get "The Clapper"? AUSTIN November, 1964, Dutch East Indies, shore leave. IVANA Are you cold, Mr. Powers? AUSTIN I once had a bad experience with frostbite. I had to dip my tadger into a brandy snifter. Ivana moves over to a chessboard set up nearby. IVANA Do you know how we keep warm in Russia? AUSTIN I can guess, baby. IVANA We play chess. AUSTIN I guessed wrong. IVANA It takes a keen intelligence to play chess. Of course, you know what they say about men with big brains, don't you? AUSTIN They wear large hats? IVANA No, they make better lovers. AUSTIN Wrong again. Ivana starts playing with the chess pieces sexily (like in The Thomas Crowne Affair). IVANA I assume you know how to play. She runs the bishop across her lips sexily. AUSTIN Of course. The... horsey... moves in an L shape. Austin tries to match her sexy moves and CHOKES on a piece. AUSTIN Let's stop playing games with each other... especially difficult ones. May I ask you a question, Miss Humpalot? IVANA Of course. AUSTIN Do I make you horny? Do I? Austin rolls around on the polar bear rug. IVANA I'll tell you anything you want to know, just make love to me. She pulls his shirt off, revealing his prodigious chest hair. IVANA You are hairy, like an animal! AUSTIN (growling and barking) Grrrr, baby. Austin takes the head of the bear skin rug. AUSTIN Grrrr. Ruf! Ruf! (covers the bear's eyes) Wait a tick, I don't want him watching me while I'm on the job! IVANA Make love to me, monkey man. AUSTIN Groovy, baby! We pan around the room, seeing all the stuffed and mounted wildlife who seem to be watching. Suddenly the camera stops. So does the music. IVANA (O.S.) What's the matter? CUT TO: MONTAGE - VARIOUS STOCK FOOTAGE A tall flower wilts and beds over. A souffle falls. A flag is lowered to half mast. A giant redwood falls in a forest. A hot air balloon deflates and falls. An actual scientific diagram of a penis in the refractory period. INT. LODGE AUSTIN (to camera) Crikey, I've lost my mojo. EXT. LONDON STREETS (STOCK FOOTAGE) An ambulance races through the streets, SIREN BLARING. EXT. MINISTRY OF DEFENSE SUPER: "MINISTRY OF DEFENSE" INT. MOD - HALLWAY Basil hurries through, pushing past TECHNICIANS and WORKERS. BASIL EXPOSITION Where is he? In here? INT. MOD - LAB Basil enters. Cross between a hospital room and a lab. Austin lies in bed hooked up to lots of monitoring equipment. BASIL EXPOSITION Austin, I came as soon as I heard. AUSTIN There must be some kind of mistake, Basil. Maybe I was drunk and I didn't know it. Austin holds his neck very stiffly. BASIL EXPOSITION What's wrong with your neck, Austin? AUSTIN (turning stiffly to face Basil) I took a Viagra and it got caught in my throat. I've had a stiff neck for hours. Basil, is it true? Have I lost my mojo? BASIL EXPOSITION We're going to run a few tests, Austin. Don't worry, old friend, we'll get to the bottom of this. INT. MRI MACHINE Austin is being loaded into one of those big scary MRI machines: the MOJONATOR 9000. The mojo meter reads VERY LOW. INT. MOD LAB MONTAGE (TIME-LAPSE): Technicians in white suits and masks transform the room into a love lair: A pair of Latex-gloved hands carefully puts a BURT BACHARACH record on a turntable. Examination lights are replaced with LAVA LAMPS. A tray is brought in with a videotape marked "SWEDISH EDUCATIONAL FILM." Finally, the transformation is complete. Austin lies in bed reading a vintage PLAYBOY. A CANDY STRIPE NURSE enters, very pretty, in a tight outfit. NURSE Excuse me, Mr. Powers, I need to give you a sponge bath before we begin the test. AUSTIN (not paying attention to her) Alright, miss, just let me finish this article on the Suez crisis. An ALARM goes off. Bright LIGHTS come on. Basil enters. AUSTIN What's going on? BASIL EXPOSITION Alright, everyone, we're done. AUSTIN But the test hasn't even started!

bob

How many times the word 'bob' appears in the text?

Austin Powers - The Spy Who Shagged Me Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME By Mike Myers MUSIC: timpani roll and dramatic sting NARRATOR In his last adventure, Austin Powers, a swinging spy from the Sixties, was unfrozen in the Nineties to battle his archenemy Dr. Evil. Austin foiled Dr. Evil's plan to send a nuclear warhead to the center of the earth and banished him into space forever. Or so he thought. EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT (ESTABLISHING SHOT FROM FIRST MOVIE) SUPER: THE FRENCH RIVIERA INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY Elegant double doors with a brass plaque reading "Honeymoon Suite." A "Do Not-Disturb" sign hangs from the handle. INT. HOTEL SUITE FROM THE FIRST MOVIE: Austin and Vanessa snuggle in bed. She plays with his chest hair. VANESSA I love you, Mr. Powers. AUSTIN And I love you, Mrs. Powers. SHOT TO MATCH EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin gets out of bed. We see Vanessa putting on her robe from behind, and then EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa kiss. VANESSA Let's go out on the terrace. It's a beautiful night, we can look at the stars. EXT. HOTEL BALCONY EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa gaze at the stars. AUSTIN Look how beautiful the night sky is. VANESSA Isn't that the big dipper? AUSTIN Yeah, and that looks just like Uranus. VANESSA Austin! AUSTIN (sheepish) Well, you know. VANESSA Hey, I've never seen that big star before. AUSTIN Yeah, what is that? Austin pulls out his telescope and takes a look. AUSTIN'S POV - TELESCOPE EFFECT EXT. SPACE EXISTING SHOT: The Bob's Big Boy rocket. INT. DR. EVIL'S CAPSULE DR. EVIL This isn't over yet, Mr. Powers. I have one more trick up my sleeve, don't I Mr. Bigglesworth? The frozen Mr. Bigglesworth MEOWS. EXT. SPACE The Bob's Big Boy rocket. Suddenly, a hatch opens in Bob's rear end and Dr. Evil's silver egg capsule poops out. SFX: PLOOP! Capsule begins fiery re-entry to Earth INT. HOTEL ROOM Austin comes in and shuts the balcony door. AUSTIN Oh well, I guess it was nothing. A VANESSA DOUBLE crosses carrying a bouquet of flowers, which obscure her face. AUSTIN Care for some champagne? (pouring) Here's to monotony-- I mean, monogamy! Vanessa sits at the vanity with her back turned. AUSTIN Hello? Vanessa? What are you doing, luv? VANESSA (back turned) Just putting on my-- As Vanessa turns around she puts her hands up and PULLS OFF HER FACE revealing wires, transistors, and a speaker where her mouth should be. FEMBOT VANESSA (computer voice) MAKE-UP! AUSTIN (frightened) Vanessa, you're a Fembot! They fight. Midway through the fight, machine guns pop out of Vanessa's breasts. AUSTIN Machine gun jubblies, how did I miss those? VANESSA (robot voice) PERHAPS NEXT TIME YOU SHOULD TRY FOREPLAY. Her machine gun breasts FIRE, spraying the room in SLO-MO. Then they run out of ammo and CLICK, CLICK. Austin empties his gun into the robot, but to no avail. She rushes at him, he gives her a judo chop, also to no avail. Then Austin' notices a SELF-DESTRUCT switch and hits it. She starts to twitch, her head spins, and she EXPLODES. Fembot parts fly around the room. Austin sits on the bed, saddened. He holds Vanessa's hand, which has wires hanging out of it. On one of the fingers is her wedding ring. MUSIC: VERY SAD PIANO AUSTIN (very sad) I can't believe Vanessa, my bride, my one true love, the woman who taught me the beauty of sharing your whole life with another, the person who taught me the meaning of love, was a Fembot. How will I ever go on? (beat) Wait a tic! That means I'm single! Oh, behave! INT. LOBBY - HOTEL Rich European guests mill about the luxurious lobby. Suddenly, Austin dances through naked. Just as we are about to see his bits and pieces, a man lifts up his suitcase. AUSTIN Yeah, baby, I'm free! I'm naked and free! SEQUENCE CREDIT MUSIC: Soul Bassanova by QUINCY JONES PAN UP Austin's NAKED body as he walks down a boardwalk. Just as the camera reaches that most sensitive of areas, a credit appears STARRING MIKE MYERS. Austin gives a big 'who me?' and we FREEZE FRAME. EXT. BOARDWALK - FRENCH RIVERA European types stare and point. We see Austin from behind. His bottom half is blocked by a bicycle. The bicycle moves away. Just as Austin's bum is about to be revealed- A CREDIT APPEARS blocking it. Austin turns his head around to the camera and puts his hand to his mouth in an 'oh my!' take and we FREEZE FRAME. A MAN IN A RAINCOAT flashes Austin, his thingy blocked by a credit. Austin just laughs...crazy, man! Austin goes around a corner. A moment later he returns, followed by a NUDE MARCHING BAND. A SIGN on the left side of the screen reads "Warning! Nude Beach". Austin enters from the left. We see his naked, hairy torso from the waist up. Just as he is about to appear from behind the sign, a... CREDIT APPEARS MOVING LEFT TO RIGHT Blocking his penis lengthwise as he walks. NUDE BEACH - CREDIT SEQUENCE A girl sits on a blanket; a HORIZONTAL CREDIT blocks her bare chest. Austin lays on his back beside her, trying to be suave; A VERTICAL CREDIT appears. The wind blows away a kite, revealing a stark-naked girl. The credit "PRODUCTION DESIGN" blocks her chest; the credit "BY" blocks her you-know-what. Austin walks into frame; the "PRODUCTION DESIGNER'S NAME" disguises his growing interest. Austin joins a nude volleyball game in progress. CREDITS appear everywhere to block all possible combinations of nudity. People leap in all directions to make saves, causing CREDITS TO APPEAR at crazy angles. A pretty girl watches Austin lift weights. Her boobs are blocked by the "WRITTEN BY" credit. Austin lifts a dumbbell. The credit "MIKE MYERS" sticks out from his waist. Austin looks proud. A BUFF NAKED BODYBUILDER joins them. He lifts a much heavier weight. A much longer credit sticks out from his waist: "AND MICHAEL MCCULLERS". Austin pouts. Austin runs down the beach, his bum blocked by the credit "DIRECTED BY". He jumps on a trampoline and does the splits in mid-air: FREEZE FRAME AND PAN AROUND LIKE IN THE GAP "KHAKI SWING" AD. Austin smiles crazily, his penis blocked by "JAY ROACH." Austin does a super-duper double flip into his JAGUAR. AUSTIN Shaguar, baby, yeah! CU on the chrome script on the grill: it reads "Shaguar" where it would normally read "Jaguar". The car speeds off. FULL SCREEN TV JERRY SPRINGER SHOW On the stage we see a Klansman father and his Klansman son, a Nazi father and his Nazi son, and SCOTT EVIL all seated on a panel. Lower Third Chyron: "MY FATHER IS EVIL AND WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" JERRY SPRINGER If you just joined us, today's topic is "my father is evil and wants to take over the world". Now, Bobby, you had something you wanted to share with your father before the break. BOBBY Dad, I know you're against race mixing and all that, but I met someone... KLANSMAN Don't say it! The crowd WHOOPS. BOBBY I met someone... and he's black. The crowd goes crazy. KLANSMAN He? The Klansman holds his hooded head in his hands. JERRY SPRINGER Please welcome Tim. A handsome Blair Underwood look-alike enters and hugs the Klansman's son. The crowd screams. JERRY MOVES TO SCOTT EVIL. JERRY SPRINGER Now Scott, tell us about your father. Share with us. SCOTT Well he's the head of an evil organization that has aspirations for world domination. JERRY SPRINGER And where is your father right now? SCOTT He's in outer space, like frozen in a giant egg and stuffed inside a Big Boy rocket with his cat, Mr. Bigglesworth. JERRY SPRINGER Really? Well, we have a surprise for you, Scott. Let's bring out SCOTT'S father, Dr Evil. Dr Evil enters. Lower Third Chyron: "WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" DR. EVIL Hello Scott, I'm back. SCOTT I can't believe you'd do this to me on national television! DR. EVIL They offered me a free makeover. JERRY SPRINGER Dr. Evil, we've seen a lot of the fathers here today open up to their sons, sons to the fathers. Is there anything you'd like to share? DR. EVIL Share? JERRY SPRINGER Yes, don't you have any secrets? DR. EVIL OK. I have a vestigial tail. Everyone is a little grossed out. DR. EVIL It's more of a nub, really. The spine just goes on a little longer than it should. Also, I've dabbled. I mean, perform fellatio once and you're a poet, twice and you're a homosexual. I remember once I was being fisted by Sebastian Cabot- but here's where the story gets interesting. He was lactose-intolerant. He could eat red meat all night long, but one sip of milk and it was gastric hell. And I remember we were caught in fragrance delicto by Henry Kissinger, and you can imagine my humiliation at having Hank hear me say, "Mr. French, no teeth." One of my greatest disappointments is that I never became a song and dance man. I could have been a quadruple threat, kind of like a despotic Ken Barry. Dancer, singer, actor, and I would possess nuclear weapons, the latter being the most threatening of the four. I once sat on a bus and tried to will myself a menstrual cycle. All I ended up with was a sense of failure and a mild neuralgia in my incisor teeth and perhaps a grudging respect for the weaker sex. I love toe cleavage. For the most part I distrust dogs. I slept in a horse once. It was quite roomy. On second thought, it was the Ritz. I named my left testicle 'piss' and my right testicle 'vinegar'. I wrote "It's Raining Men", or so the Christmas babies told me. Oh yes, I also made a Marzipan voodoo effigy of The Fonze while I was in coma after smoking some Peruvian prayer hash, but who at the end of the day can honestly say they haven't done that? The Springer audience is stunned, slack-jawed and for once quiet. KLANSMAN What are you, some kind of freak? SCOTT Shut up, jagoff! Studio audience whoops at this. KLANSMAN I'll kick your ass punk! Crowd goes crazy. DR. EVIL No one talks to my boy that way! Dr. Evil charges at Klansman and starts to bitch slap him. Security men, with headsets on, rush in to separate them. DR. EVIL I'm OK, I'm OK. There is a BEAT, then Dr. Evil CHARGES the guy again, knocking him down. DR. EVIL Come Scott, let's go to daddy's new evil lair. EXT. WORLD HEADQUARTERS BUILDING - DAY We pan up a modern office building. The camera reaches the top of the building and we see a giant STARBUCKS LOGO and the words: Starbucks World Headquarters. INT. STARBUCKS BOARD ROOM The penthouse boardroom is adorned with Starbucks paraphernalia: large logo, clear canisters full of beans, and a large world map with a little logo everywhere there is a Starbucks. Around a large table are Dr. Evil, Number Two (bandaged and lightly spotted with soot), Frau, Scott and a couple of NEW HENCHMEN. A Starbucks employee serves everyone steaming hot coffee products. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, as the legitimate frontman of your organization, I seized upon the opportunity to invest in a small Seattle-based coffee company several years ago. Today, Starbucks is a far- flung empire with 2000 outlets worldwide. DR. EVIL Oh good, Number Two, I do enjoy a good cuppa joe. NUMBER TWO If I may continue, I believe if we shift our resources away from world domination and focus on providing premium quality coffee drinks, we can increase our gross profits fivefold. Dr. Evil takes a sip of cappuccino, leaving a WHITE FROTHY MILK MUSTACHE on his upper lip. DR. EVIL Right. Perhaps you've confused me with someone who gives a shit. Might I remind you that I run the show here? I demand a little respect. NUMBER TWO (indicating Dr. Evil's milk mustache) Dr. Evil, I think you-- DR. EVIL Silence! I will not tolerate your insolence! Remember what happened last time. FLASHBACK (FOOTAGE FROM FIRST MOVIE) Number Two disappears backwards into the fiery pit. INT. STARBUCKS WORLD HEADQUARTERS Number Two smiles weakly, breaking into a sweat on his brow. NUMBER TWO May I add, I appreciate you reinstating me after our little... misunderstanding. DR. EVIL Frau Farbissina. Wie gehts is einen? We see Frau. She looks a little more 'masculine' than before. FRAU Zehr gut, Herr Doctor. DR. EVIL How are things? FRAU I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak it's name. To my right is my lover. We see a severe-looking German woman with one continuous eyebrow. FRAU Her name is Unibrau. I met her on the LPGA Tour. DR. EVIL Right on. Welcome, Unibrau. Dr. Evil takes another sip of cappuccino, making the frothy milk mustache even larger. FRAU Doctor, you have a 'milk mustache.' DR. EVIL (wiping it off, embarrassed) Oh, I know. I know. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I'd like to introduce the Greek assassin, Oedipus. We see a swarthy Greek army guy. DR. EVIL Welcome to my private army, Oedipus. Excited? OEDIPUS I could give a shit. DR. EVIL Kiss your mother with that mouth? OEDIPUS Yes. DR. EVIL Of course you do. Dr Evil begins to press a button labelled "Oedipus" on his control panel, but Number Two interrupts. NUMBER TWO (clearing throat) Dr. Evil, as you know, the rate at which you liquidate henchmen far exceeds our ability to replace them. DR. EVIL I have so few pleasures left to me, Number Two. The key to life is to rotate your vices. One day it's executions, another day it's creamy French cheese. It's like frickin' heroin. NUMBER TWO Well, Dr. Evil, perhaps I have the answer. While you were frozen, we began a program to clone you. DR. EVIL Cool. NUMBER TWO We had a few glitches, but I think you'll be pleased with the results. FRAU (shouting) Send in the clone! MUSIC: dramatic sting We see the shadow of an approaching figure. The shadow looks like Dr. Evil, only much larger and scarier. NUMBER TWO He is identical to you in every way, except he is one-eighth your size. We see that the source of the shadow is a MINIATURE DR. EVIL, just like the creepy mini-Marlon Brando in The Island of Dr. Moreau. He mimics Dr. Evil's mannerisms including holding his tiny pinky to his tiny mouth. DR. EVIL Breathtaking. I shall call him Mini- Me. (to clone) Mini-Me, you will sit to my right. Mini-Me sits down in a miniature version of Dr. Evil's command chair. DR. EVIL Come Mr. Bigglesworth! The bald Mr. Bigglesworth runs and jumps into Dr. Evil's lap. A bald MR. BIGGLESWORTH KITTEN jumps into Mini-Me's lap. DR. EVIL Mini-me, something to eat? (expectant pause) No? (pause) OK. (to room) Tired. Gentleman, I have a plan. As you know, the most powerful man in the world is the President of the United States. But he is just that- a man, subject to temptations of the flesh like any other man. Here's what we do: we make it seem that the President has had "extra-marital oral relations" with- and this is the kicker- DRAMATIC STING, SNAP ZOOM TO DR. EVIL. DR. EVIL With a White House intern! Dr. Evil gloats. So does Mini-Me. NUMBER TWO (clearing his throat) Uh-hem. DR. EVIL What, that already happened? Number Two nods. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous. Oh well, how about a frickin' time machine? Does the president have a time machine? Have I been scooped on that? NUMBER TWO No, not that I'm aware of. DR. EVIL Alright, time machine it is. As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen? SCOTT Because you never kill him when you get the chance and you're a dope? Mini-Me hops upon the table and tries to push the "Scott Evil" button on Dr. Evil's control panel. Frau SQUIRTS him with a water bottle. Mini-Me glares at Scott and GIVES HIM THE FINGER. DR. EVIL No, because Austin Powers has "mojo". NUMBER TWO Mojo? FRAU Yes, mojo. The mojo is the life force, the essence, the libido, the "right stuff". DR. EVIL It's what the French call a certain 'I don't know what.' SCOTT If you've got a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill Austin Powers when he's a baby or something? DR. EVIL No, no, no. NUMBER TWO (interrupting) Dr. Evil, wouldn't it be easier to use your knowledge of the future to play the stock market? We could literally make trillions. DR. EVIL (smug laugh to himself) Why make trillions when we could make... (pause) Billions? NUMBER TWO Excuse me? DR. EVIL Why think small is all I'm saying. SCOTT A trillion is more than a billion, numb-nuts. DR. EVIL Zip it. Unveil the time portal! A wall panel opens to reveal a Stargate-like wall of shimmering energy. DR. EVIL Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the time portal. As you know, Austin Powers was frozen in 1967. Therefore, I time travel to 1969, two years after he was frozen. Security will be lax and I'll strike when he is totally helpless. First, I take Austin Powers' mojo. Then I begin my domination of the world. SCOTT Can I come? DR. EVIL No, Scott, Daddy has a score to settle. Austin Powers is the snake to my mongoose, or the mongoose to my snake. Either way it's bad, I don't know animals. But I do know this: This time it's personal. Frau, Number 2, I'll see you both in 1969. Come, Mini-Me. Dr. Evil walks to the portal. Mini-Me follows, imitating him perfectly. They enter the portal. There is a FREEZE FRAME effect and they FADE AWAY, like in Star Trek. INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - Dr. Evil and Mini-Me emerge on the other side of the portal into a NEW LAIR. It is a large hollowed-out volcano room dominated by chrome conduits and tasteful art pieces. A younger Frau sits with NUMBER TWO, now played by ROB LOWE in an eye-patch. DR. EVIL Ah, here we are Mini-Me, 1969. Number Two, you look very youthful and healthy. (turning to Frau) And Frau you look...right. As Dr. Evil walks to the center of the room, chairs rise from the floor. Everyone takes a seat, but Dr. Evil gets caught in the middle as chairs rise around him. He is frightened. One of the rising chairs hits him in the crotch. DR. EVIL OK, people, we now officially have a chair problem. If another one of these chairs hits me in the nuts, I'm gonna go postal. Mini-Me, I want you to meet Number Two. NUMBER TWO Hello there. Mini-me says nothing. DR. EVIL Mini-Me? Mini-me still says nothing. DR. EVIL Shy. Low blood sugar. (to room) Gentlemen, Phase Two is beginning. I have an operative inside the Ministry of Defense. By this time tomorrow, Austin Powers' mojo will be mine. Dr. Evil goes over and looks out the large window. DR. EVIL (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! EXT. DR. EVIL'S TROPICAL ISLAND - We cut outside to see that window is in fact the left eye of a Mt. Rushmore-type depiction of Dr. Evil carved into the side of a volcano on a tropical island. DR. EVIL (V.O.) (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! INT. MOD - CRYOGENIC FREEZING ROOM - We see Austin's FROZEN BODY in cryogenic storage. Above it, we see two digital clocks. One reads: CURRENT DATE: MAY 25, 1969, the other reads: DATE FROZEN: NOVEMBER 11, 1967. One of the SCOTS GUARDS, is an IMMENSELY FAT SCOTTISH SOLDIER (played by Mike Myers). BRITISH COLONEL We've had reports that there's a spy in the Ministry of Defense. The contents of this room are vital to the country. Be on special alert. FAT SOLDIER (thick Scottish accent) Those bastards will have to kill me before I let anything happen to this wee naked hairy popsicle, sir! BRITISH COLONEL Very good. And try and lose some weight for God's sake! They exchange salutes and the Colonel exits. FAT SOLDIER Yessir! (sotto after the Colonel) I outta smash your teeth out with a Toffee Hammer Mr. English Colonel Telling-Me-What-To-Do-And-Stealing- our-Oil-Refusing-To-Recognize- our- Scottish-Independence! The Fat Soldier begins to play the BAGPIPES, a white vapor comes out of them, filling the room. The other soldiers COLLAPSE, unconscious. He bores through the ice and pulls out a Sixties high-tech syringe type device with an LED graph on the side. He places it in Austin's navel. The LED meter goes from red to green, indicating FULL MOJO. EXT./INT. AUSTIN'S SHAGUAR - DRIVING - DAY Austin drives in MODERN TRAFFIC. He is drinking a STARBUCKS COFFEE and listening to the Jag's in-dash CD PLAYER. Suddenly Austin DROOPS. The car starts to sputter. The fuel gauge reads empty. AUSTIN Gor blimey, I'm on empty! That's funny, I just filled the Shaguar up this morning. Austin hits a button on the dashboard. BASIL EXPOSITION appears on the picture phone in the dash. BASIL EXPOSITION (on picture phone) Hello, I'm Basil Exposition, head of British Intelligence. AUSTIN You always are, Basil. Listen, the weirdest thing just happened, I've run out of petrol. BASIL EXPOSITION We'll send a man around immediately. How was your honeymoon? AUSTIN Vanessa tried to kill me, Basil. She was a Fembot! BASIL EXPOSITION Ah women, who can understand them? Moving on, let's discuss your new case. AUSTIN New case? Very shagadelic, Basil! BASIL EXPOSITION You'll be doing a photo shoot. We know that one of the models is an ex- KGB agent selling top secret material to the highest bidder. AUSTIN That sounds easy enough, you know what they say: all work and no shagging makes Austin a dull boy, man! INT. SKI LODGE Austin sets up his photo equipment. The room is decorated in classic Heffner- bear skin rugs, leather chairs, roaring fire. AUSTIN (looking around) Tres chic, baby. REG, the photo assistant, enters. REG Austin, the models are ready. AUSTIN Ta, Reg. Bless your cotton socks. Hey, Reg, do you have any hobbies? REG What? AUSTIN Hobbies, man! I for one enjoy making models! The models make their entrance. They are REAL SUPERMODELS, say CINDY CRAWFORD, REBECCA ROMAJIN and also one MODEL we don't know. SUPERMODELS (circling Austin) It's him! Oh my God! It's Austin Powers! Austin shoots a look to Reg like 'still got it, baby.' AUSTIN One at a time, girls. One. At. A. Time! CINDY Hi, I'm Cindy. I don't believe I've had the pleasure. AUSTIN Of course you haven't had "The Pleasure", we just met, baby, yeah! REBECCA How do you do, Austin? I'm Rebecca. (indicating the photo gear) Your equipment is quite impressive. AUSTIN Thank you. Your breasts are amazing. Austin comes to the unknown model. She is tall and angular. AUSTIN And what's your name, baby? MODEL (thick Russian accent) Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN Excuse me? IVANA Ivana. Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN And I vanna toilet made of solid gold but it's just not in the cards, now is it? Austin looks over the girls, trying to decide who is the spy. AUSTIN (V.O.) (inner monologue) Now, which one is the Russian spy? Cindy Crawford, Rebecca Romajin... or Ivana Humpalot? Think, man, think! Austin begins snapping pictures. The sequence is shot like a photo shoot, with freeze frames, etc. AUSTIN Alright, baby! Love it. Turn and pout for me baby! Smashing! Cindy gets on all fours. AUSTIN Great, darling. Give me some shoulder. Yes, yes, yes. (angry) No! No! FULL FRAME, cover of Vogue. Cindy with her head framed out. AUSTIN (to Rebecca) Show me love. Smashing! You're an animal. You're a tiger. Be a tiger, baby! You're great! You're Grrrrrr- eat! You're Tony, be corn flakes, baby, be frosted. Now be a lemur, baby! You're a ring-tailed lemur. Rebecca looks confused. REBECCA A lemur? AUSTIN A small mammal native to the African savannah. C'mon baby, you know. Like this! (imitating lemur) OK, predator coming! Now, burrow, burrow! You're a lemur. It's all you've got. (beat) I take it back. Be a tiger again. Smashing! FULL FRAME, Rebecca on the cover of National--Geographic. AUSTIN And... done! I'm spent! Austin throws his camera to Reg, who catches it. REG Hel-lo, you forgot about Ivana. AUSTIN I didn't forget, baby. Miss Humpalot and I are going to have a 'private session'. Reg shows the girls out as they PROTEST. Austin and Ivana are left alone. Austin CLAPS TWICE and the lights dim. He CLAPS again and the fire goes up. MUSIC: I'm Never Going To Fall in Love Again by BURT BACHARACH IVANA When did you get "The Clapper"? AUSTIN November, 1964, Dutch East Indies, shore leave. IVANA Are you cold, Mr. Powers? AUSTIN I once had a bad experience with frostbite. I had to dip my tadger into a brandy snifter. Ivana moves over to a chessboard set up nearby. IVANA Do you know how we keep warm in Russia? AUSTIN I can guess, baby. IVANA We play chess. AUSTIN I guessed wrong. IVANA It takes a keen intelligence to play chess. Of course, you know what they say about men with big brains, don't you? AUSTIN They wear large hats? IVANA No, they make better lovers. AUSTIN Wrong again. Ivana starts playing with the chess pieces sexily (like in The Thomas Crowne Affair). IVANA I assume you know how to play. She runs the bishop across her lips sexily. AUSTIN Of course. The... horsey... moves in an L shape. Austin tries to match her sexy moves and CHOKES on a piece. AUSTIN Let's stop playing games with each other... especially difficult ones. May I ask you a question, Miss Humpalot? IVANA Of course. AUSTIN Do I make you horny? Do I? Austin rolls around on the polar bear rug. IVANA I'll tell you anything you want to know, just make love to me. She pulls his shirt off, revealing his prodigious chest hair. IVANA You are hairy, like an animal! AUSTIN (growling and barking) Grrrr, baby. Austin takes the head of the bear skin rug. AUSTIN Grrrr. Ruf! Ruf! (covers the bear's eyes) Wait a tick, I don't want him watching me while I'm on the job! IVANA Make love to me, monkey man. AUSTIN Groovy, baby! We pan around the room, seeing all the stuffed and mounted wildlife who seem to be watching. Suddenly the camera stops. So does the music. IVANA (O.S.) What's the matter? CUT TO: MONTAGE - VARIOUS STOCK FOOTAGE A tall flower wilts and beds over. A souffle falls. A flag is lowered to half mast. A giant redwood falls in a forest. A hot air balloon deflates and falls. An actual scientific diagram of a penis in the refractory period. INT. LODGE AUSTIN (to camera) Crikey, I've lost my mojo. EXT. LONDON STREETS (STOCK FOOTAGE) An ambulance races through the streets, SIREN BLARING. EXT. MINISTRY OF DEFENSE SUPER: "MINISTRY OF DEFENSE" INT. MOD - HALLWAY Basil hurries through, pushing past TECHNICIANS and WORKERS. BASIL EXPOSITION Where is he? In here? INT. MOD - LAB Basil enters. Cross between a hospital room and a lab. Austin lies in bed hooked up to lots of monitoring equipment. BASIL EXPOSITION Austin, I came as soon as I heard. AUSTIN There must be some kind of mistake, Basil. Maybe I was drunk and I didn't know it. Austin holds his neck very stiffly. BASIL EXPOSITION What's wrong with your neck, Austin? AUSTIN (turning stiffly to face Basil) I took a Viagra and it got caught in my throat. I've had a stiff neck for hours. Basil, is it true? Have I lost my mojo? BASIL EXPOSITION We're going to run a few tests, Austin. Don't worry, old friend, we'll get to the bottom of this. INT. MRI MACHINE Austin is being loaded into one of those big scary MRI machines: the MOJONATOR 9000. The mojo meter reads VERY LOW. INT. MOD LAB MONTAGE (TIME-LAPSE): Technicians in white suits and masks transform the room into a love lair: A pair of Latex-gloved hands carefully puts a BURT BACHARACH record on a turntable. Examination lights are replaced with LAVA LAMPS. A tray is brought in with a videotape marked "SWEDISH EDUCATIONAL FILM." Finally, the transformation is complete. Austin lies in bed reading a vintage PLAYBOY. A CANDY STRIPE NURSE enters, very pretty, in a tight outfit. NURSE Excuse me, Mr. Powers, I need to give you a sponge bath before we begin the test. AUSTIN (not paying attention to her) Alright, miss, just let me finish this article on the Suez crisis. An ALARM goes off. Bright LIGHTS come on. Basil enters. AUSTIN What's going on? BASIL EXPOSITION Alright, everyone, we're done. AUSTIN But the test hasn't even started!

fiery

How many times the word 'fiery' appears in the text?

Austin Powers - The Spy Who Shagged Me Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS if (window!= top) top.location.href=location.href // --> AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME By Mike Myers MUSIC: timpani roll and dramatic sting NARRATOR In his last adventure, Austin Powers, a swinging spy from the Sixties, was unfrozen in the Nineties to battle his archenemy Dr. Evil. Austin foiled Dr. Evil's plan to send a nuclear warhead to the center of the earth and banished him into space forever. Or so he thought. EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT (ESTABLISHING SHOT FROM FIRST MOVIE) SUPER: THE FRENCH RIVIERA INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY Elegant double doors with a brass plaque reading "Honeymoon Suite." A "Do Not-Disturb" sign hangs from the handle. INT. HOTEL SUITE FROM THE FIRST MOVIE: Austin and Vanessa snuggle in bed. She plays with his chest hair. VANESSA I love you, Mr. Powers. AUSTIN And I love you, Mrs. Powers. SHOT TO MATCH EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin gets out of bed. We see Vanessa putting on her robe from behind, and then EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa kiss. VANESSA Let's go out on the terrace. It's a beautiful night, we can look at the stars. EXT. HOTEL BALCONY EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa gaze at the stars. AUSTIN Look how beautiful the night sky is. VANESSA Isn't that the big dipper? AUSTIN Yeah, and that looks just like Uranus. VANESSA Austin! AUSTIN (sheepish) Well, you know. VANESSA Hey, I've never seen that big star before. AUSTIN Yeah, what is that? Austin pulls out his telescope and takes a look. AUSTIN'S POV - TELESCOPE EFFECT EXT. SPACE EXISTING SHOT: The Bob's Big Boy rocket. INT. DR. EVIL'S CAPSULE DR. EVIL This isn't over yet, Mr. Powers. I have one more trick up my sleeve, don't I Mr. Bigglesworth? The frozen Mr. Bigglesworth MEOWS. EXT. SPACE The Bob's Big Boy rocket. Suddenly, a hatch opens in Bob's rear end and Dr. Evil's silver egg capsule poops out. SFX: PLOOP! Capsule begins fiery re-entry to Earth INT. HOTEL ROOM Austin comes in and shuts the balcony door. AUSTIN Oh well, I guess it was nothing. A VANESSA DOUBLE crosses carrying a bouquet of flowers, which obscure her face. AUSTIN Care for some champagne? (pouring) Here's to monotony-- I mean, monogamy! Vanessa sits at the vanity with her back turned. AUSTIN Hello? Vanessa? What are you doing, luv? VANESSA (back turned) Just putting on my-- As Vanessa turns around she puts her hands up and PULLS OFF HER FACE revealing wires, transistors, and a speaker where her mouth should be. FEMBOT VANESSA (computer voice) MAKE-UP! AUSTIN (frightened) Vanessa, you're a Fembot! They fight. Midway through the fight, machine guns pop out of Vanessa's breasts. AUSTIN Machine gun jubblies, how did I miss those? VANESSA (robot voice) PERHAPS NEXT TIME YOU SHOULD TRY FOREPLAY. Her machine gun breasts FIRE, spraying the room in SLO-MO. Then they run out of ammo and CLICK, CLICK. Austin empties his gun into the robot, but to no avail. She rushes at him, he gives her a judo chop, also to no avail. Then Austin' notices a SELF-DESTRUCT switch and hits it. She starts to twitch, her head spins, and she EXPLODES. Fembot parts fly around the room. Austin sits on the bed, saddened. He holds Vanessa's hand, which has wires hanging out of it. On one of the fingers is her wedding ring. MUSIC: VERY SAD PIANO AUSTIN (very sad) I can't believe Vanessa, my bride, my one true love, the woman who taught me the beauty of sharing your whole life with another, the person who taught me the meaning of love, was a Fembot. How will I ever go on? (beat) Wait a tic! That means I'm single! Oh, behave! INT. LOBBY - HOTEL Rich European guests mill about the luxurious lobby. Suddenly, Austin dances through naked. Just as we are about to see his bits and pieces, a man lifts up his suitcase. AUSTIN Yeah, baby, I'm free! I'm naked and free! SEQUENCE CREDIT MUSIC: Soul Bassanova by QUINCY JONES PAN UP Austin's NAKED body as he walks down a boardwalk. Just as the camera reaches that most sensitive of areas, a credit appears STARRING MIKE MYERS. Austin gives a big 'who me?' and we FREEZE FRAME. EXT. BOARDWALK - FRENCH RIVERA European types stare and point. We see Austin from behind. His bottom half is blocked by a bicycle. The bicycle moves away. Just as Austin's bum is about to be revealed- A CREDIT APPEARS blocking it. Austin turns his head around to the camera and puts his hand to his mouth in an 'oh my!' take and we FREEZE FRAME. A MAN IN A RAINCOAT flashes Austin, his thingy blocked by a credit. Austin just laughs...crazy, man! Austin goes around a corner. A moment later he returns, followed by a NUDE MARCHING BAND. A SIGN on the left side of the screen reads "Warning! Nude Beach". Austin enters from the left. We see his naked, hairy torso from the waist up. Just as he is about to appear from behind the sign, a... CREDIT APPEARS MOVING LEFT TO RIGHT Blocking his penis lengthwise as he walks. NUDE BEACH - CREDIT SEQUENCE A girl sits on a blanket; a HORIZONTAL CREDIT blocks her bare chest. Austin lays on his back beside her, trying to be suave; A VERTICAL CREDIT appears. The wind blows away a kite, revealing a stark-naked girl. The credit "PRODUCTION DESIGN" blocks her chest; the credit "BY" blocks her you-know-what. Austin walks into frame; the "PRODUCTION DESIGNER'S NAME" disguises his growing interest. Austin joins a nude volleyball game in progress. CREDITS appear everywhere to block all possible combinations of nudity. People leap in all directions to make saves, causing CREDITS TO APPEAR at crazy angles. A pretty girl watches Austin lift weights. Her boobs are blocked by the "WRITTEN BY" credit. Austin lifts a dumbbell. The credit "MIKE MYERS" sticks out from his waist. Austin looks proud. A BUFF NAKED BODYBUILDER joins them. He lifts a much heavier weight. A much longer credit sticks out from his waist: "AND MICHAEL MCCULLERS". Austin pouts. Austin runs down the beach, his bum blocked by the credit "DIRECTED BY". He jumps on a trampoline and does the splits in mid-air: FREEZE FRAME AND PAN AROUND LIKE IN THE GAP "KHAKI SWING" AD. Austin smiles crazily, his penis blocked by "JAY ROACH." Austin does a super-duper double flip into his JAGUAR. AUSTIN Shaguar, baby, yeah! CU on the chrome script on the grill: it reads "Shaguar" where it would normally read "Jaguar". The car speeds off. FULL SCREEN TV JERRY SPRINGER SHOW On the stage we see a Klansman father and his Klansman son, a Nazi father and his Nazi son, and SCOTT EVIL all seated on a panel. Lower Third Chyron: "MY FATHER IS EVIL AND WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" JERRY SPRINGER If you just joined us, today's topic is "my father is evil and wants to take over the world". Now, Bobby, you had something you wanted to share with your father before the break. BOBBY Dad, I know you're against race mixing and all that, but I met someone... KLANSMAN Don't say it! The crowd WHOOPS. BOBBY I met someone... and he's black. The crowd goes crazy. KLANSMAN He? The Klansman holds his hooded head in his hands. JERRY SPRINGER Please welcome Tim. A handsome Blair Underwood look-alike enters and hugs the Klansman's son. The crowd screams. JERRY MOVES TO SCOTT EVIL. JERRY SPRINGER Now Scott, tell us about your father. Share with us. SCOTT Well he's the head of an evil organization that has aspirations for world domination. JERRY SPRINGER And where is your father right now? SCOTT He's in outer space, like frozen in a giant egg and stuffed inside a Big Boy rocket with his cat, Mr. Bigglesworth. JERRY SPRINGER Really? Well, we have a surprise for you, Scott. Let's bring out SCOTT'S father, Dr Evil. Dr Evil enters. Lower Third Chyron: "WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" DR. EVIL Hello Scott, I'm back. SCOTT I can't believe you'd do this to me on national television! DR. EVIL They offered me a free makeover. JERRY SPRINGER Dr. Evil, we've seen a lot of the fathers here today open up to their sons, sons to the fathers. Is there anything you'd like to share? DR. EVIL Share? JERRY SPRINGER Yes, don't you have any secrets? DR. EVIL OK. I have a vestigial tail. Everyone is a little grossed out. DR. EVIL It's more of a nub, really. The spine just goes on a little longer than it should. Also, I've dabbled. I mean, perform fellatio once and you're a poet, twice and you're a homosexual. I remember once I was being fisted by Sebastian Cabot- but here's where the story gets interesting. He was lactose-intolerant. He could eat red meat all night long, but one sip of milk and it was gastric hell. And I remember we were caught in fragrance delicto by Henry Kissinger, and you can imagine my humiliation at having Hank hear me say, "Mr. French, no teeth." One of my greatest disappointments is that I never became a song and dance man. I could have been a quadruple threat, kind of like a despotic Ken Barry. Dancer, singer, actor, and I would possess nuclear weapons, the latter being the most threatening of the four. I once sat on a bus and tried to will myself a menstrual cycle. All I ended up with was a sense of failure and a mild neuralgia in my incisor teeth and perhaps a grudging respect for the weaker sex. I love toe cleavage. For the most part I distrust dogs. I slept in a horse once. It was quite roomy. On second thought, it was the Ritz. I named my left testicle 'piss' and my right testicle 'vinegar'. I wrote "It's Raining Men", or so the Christmas babies told me. Oh yes, I also made a Marzipan voodoo effigy of The Fonze while I was in coma after smoking some Peruvian prayer hash, but who at the end of the day can honestly say they haven't done that? The Springer audience is stunned, slack-jawed and for once quiet. KLANSMAN What are you, some kind of freak? SCOTT Shut up, jagoff! Studio audience whoops at this. KLANSMAN I'll kick your ass punk! Crowd goes crazy. DR. EVIL No one talks to my boy that way! Dr. Evil charges at Klansman and starts to bitch slap him. Security men, with headsets on, rush in to separate them. DR. EVIL I'm OK, I'm OK. There is a BEAT, then Dr. Evil CHARGES the guy again, knocking him down. DR. EVIL Come Scott, let's go to daddy's new evil lair. EXT. WORLD HEADQUARTERS BUILDING - DAY We pan up a modern office building. The camera reaches the top of the building and we see a giant STARBUCKS LOGO and the words: Starbucks World Headquarters. INT. STARBUCKS BOARD ROOM The penthouse boardroom is adorned with Starbucks paraphernalia: large logo, clear canisters full of beans, and a large world map with a little logo everywhere there is a Starbucks. Around a large table are Dr. Evil, Number Two (bandaged and lightly spotted with soot), Frau, Scott and a couple of NEW HENCHMEN. A Starbucks employee serves everyone steaming hot coffee products. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, as the legitimate frontman of your organization, I seized upon the opportunity to invest in a small Seattle-based coffee company several years ago. Today, Starbucks is a far- flung empire with 2000 outlets worldwide. DR. EVIL Oh good, Number Two, I do enjoy a good cuppa joe. NUMBER TWO If I may continue, I believe if we shift our resources away from world domination and focus on providing premium quality coffee drinks, we can increase our gross profits fivefold. Dr. Evil takes a sip of cappuccino, leaving a WHITE FROTHY MILK MUSTACHE on his upper lip. DR. EVIL Right. Perhaps you've confused me with someone who gives a shit. Might I remind you that I run the show here? I demand a little respect. NUMBER TWO (indicating Dr. Evil's milk mustache) Dr. Evil, I think you-- DR. EVIL Silence! I will not tolerate your insolence! Remember what happened last time. FLASHBACK (FOOTAGE FROM FIRST MOVIE) Number Two disappears backwards into the fiery pit. INT. STARBUCKS WORLD HEADQUARTERS Number Two smiles weakly, breaking into a sweat on his brow. NUMBER TWO May I add, I appreciate you reinstating me after our little... misunderstanding. DR. EVIL Frau Farbissina. Wie gehts is einen? We see Frau. She looks a little more 'masculine' than before. FRAU Zehr gut, Herr Doctor. DR. EVIL How are things? FRAU I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak it's name. To my right is my lover. We see a severe-looking German woman with one continuous eyebrow. FRAU Her name is Unibrau. I met her on the LPGA Tour. DR. EVIL Right on. Welcome, Unibrau. Dr. Evil takes another sip of cappuccino, making the frothy milk mustache even larger. FRAU Doctor, you have a 'milk mustache.' DR. EVIL (wiping it off, embarrassed) Oh, I know. I know. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I'd like to introduce the Greek assassin, Oedipus. We see a swarthy Greek army guy. DR. EVIL Welcome to my private army, Oedipus. Excited? OEDIPUS I could give a shit. DR. EVIL Kiss your mother with that mouth? OEDIPUS Yes. DR. EVIL Of course you do. Dr Evil begins to press a button labelled "Oedipus" on his control panel, but Number Two interrupts. NUMBER TWO (clearing throat) Dr. Evil, as you know, the rate at which you liquidate henchmen far exceeds our ability to replace them. DR. EVIL I have so few pleasures left to me, Number Two. The key to life is to rotate your vices. One day it's executions, another day it's creamy French cheese. It's like frickin' heroin. NUMBER TWO Well, Dr. Evil, perhaps I have the answer. While you were frozen, we began a program to clone you. DR. EVIL Cool. NUMBER TWO We had a few glitches, but I think you'll be pleased with the results. FRAU (shouting) Send in the clone! MUSIC: dramatic sting We see the shadow of an approaching figure. The shadow looks like Dr. Evil, only much larger and scarier. NUMBER TWO He is identical to you in every way, except he is one-eighth your size. We see that the source of the shadow is a MINIATURE DR. EVIL, just like the creepy mini-Marlon Brando in The Island of Dr. Moreau. He mimics Dr. Evil's mannerisms including holding his tiny pinky to his tiny mouth. DR. EVIL Breathtaking. I shall call him Mini- Me. (to clone) Mini-Me, you will sit to my right. Mini-Me sits down in a miniature version of Dr. Evil's command chair. DR. EVIL Come Mr. Bigglesworth! The bald Mr. Bigglesworth runs and jumps into Dr. Evil's lap. A bald MR. BIGGLESWORTH KITTEN jumps into Mini-Me's lap. DR. EVIL Mini-me, something to eat? (expectant pause) No? (pause) OK. (to room) Tired. Gentleman, I have a plan. As you know, the most powerful man in the world is the President of the United States. But he is just that- a man, subject to temptations of the flesh like any other man. Here's what we do: we make it seem that the President has had "extra-marital oral relations" with- and this is the kicker- DRAMATIC STING, SNAP ZOOM TO DR. EVIL. DR. EVIL With a White House intern! Dr. Evil gloats. So does Mini-Me. NUMBER TWO (clearing his throat) Uh-hem. DR. EVIL What, that already happened? Number Two nods. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous. Oh well, how about a frickin' time machine? Does the president have a time machine? Have I been scooped on that? NUMBER TWO No, not that I'm aware of. DR. EVIL Alright, time machine it is. As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen? SCOTT Because you never kill him when you get the chance and you're a dope? Mini-Me hops upon the table and tries to push the "Scott Evil" button on Dr. Evil's control panel. Frau SQUIRTS him with a water bottle. Mini-Me glares at Scott and GIVES HIM THE FINGER. DR. EVIL No, because Austin Powers has "mojo". NUMBER TWO Mojo? FRAU Yes, mojo. The mojo is the life force, the essence, the libido, the "right stuff". DR. EVIL It's what the French call a certain 'I don't know what.' SCOTT If you've got a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill Austin Powers when he's a baby or something? DR. EVIL No, no, no. NUMBER TWO (interrupting) Dr. Evil, wouldn't it be easier to use your knowledge of the future to play the stock market? We could literally make trillions. DR. EVIL (smug laugh to himself) Why make trillions when we could make... (pause) Billions? NUMBER TWO Excuse me? DR. EVIL Why think small is all I'm saying. SCOTT A trillion is more than a billion, numb-nuts. DR. EVIL Zip it. Unveil the time portal! A wall panel opens to reveal a Stargate-like wall of shimmering energy. DR. EVIL Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the time portal. As you know, Austin Powers was frozen in 1967. Therefore, I time travel to 1969, two years after he was frozen. Security will be lax and I'll strike when he is totally helpless. First, I take Austin Powers' mojo. Then I begin my domination of the world. SCOTT Can I come? DR. EVIL No, Scott, Daddy has a score to settle. Austin Powers is the snake to my mongoose, or the mongoose to my snake. Either way it's bad, I don't know animals. But I do know this: This time it's personal. Frau, Number 2, I'll see you both in 1969. Come, Mini-Me. Dr. Evil walks to the portal. Mini-Me follows, imitating him perfectly. They enter the portal. There is a FREEZE FRAME effect and they FADE AWAY, like in Star Trek. INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - Dr. Evil and Mini-Me emerge on the other side of the portal into a NEW LAIR. It is a large hollowed-out volcano room dominated by chrome conduits and tasteful art pieces. A younger Frau sits with NUMBER TWO, now played by ROB LOWE in an eye-patch. DR. EVIL Ah, here we are Mini-Me, 1969. Number Two, you look very youthful and healthy. (turning to Frau) And Frau you look...right. As Dr. Evil walks to the center of the room, chairs rise from the floor. Everyone takes a seat, but Dr. Evil gets caught in the middle as chairs rise around him. He is frightened. One of the rising chairs hits him in the crotch. DR. EVIL OK, people, we now officially have a chair problem. If another one of these chairs hits me in the nuts, I'm gonna go postal. Mini-Me, I want you to meet Number Two. NUMBER TWO Hello there. Mini-me says nothing. DR. EVIL Mini-Me? Mini-me still says nothing. DR. EVIL Shy. Low blood sugar. (to room) Gentlemen, Phase Two is beginning. I have an operative inside the Ministry of Defense. By this time tomorrow, Austin Powers' mojo will be mine. Dr. Evil goes over and looks out the large window. DR. EVIL (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! EXT. DR. EVIL'S TROPICAL ISLAND - We cut outside to see that window is in fact the left eye of a Mt. Rushmore-type depiction of Dr. Evil carved into the side of a volcano on a tropical island. DR. EVIL (V.O.) (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! INT. MOD - CRYOGENIC FREEZING ROOM - We see Austin's FROZEN BODY in cryogenic storage. Above it, we see two digital clocks. One reads: CURRENT DATE: MAY 25, 1969, the other reads: DATE FROZEN: NOVEMBER 11, 1967. One of the SCOTS GUARDS, is an IMMENSELY FAT SCOTTISH SOLDIER (played by Mike Myers). BRITISH COLONEL We've had reports that there's a spy in the Ministry of Defense. The contents of this room are vital to the country. Be on special alert. FAT SOLDIER (thick Scottish accent) Those bastards will have to kill me before I let anything happen to this wee naked hairy popsicle, sir! BRITISH COLONEL Very good. And try and lose some weight for God's sake! They exchange salutes and the Colonel exits. FAT SOLDIER Yessir! (sotto after the Colonel) I outta smash your teeth out with a Toffee Hammer Mr. English Colonel Telling-Me-What-To-Do-And-Stealing- our-Oil-Refusing-To-Recognize- our- Scottish-Independence! The Fat Soldier begins to play the BAGPIPES, a white vapor comes out of them, filling the room. The other soldiers COLLAPSE, unconscious. He bores through the ice and pulls out a Sixties high-tech syringe type device with an LED graph on the side. He places it in Austin's navel. The LED meter goes from red to green, indicating FULL MOJO. EXT./INT. AUSTIN'S SHAGUAR - DRIVING - DAY Austin drives in MODERN TRAFFIC. He is drinking a STARBUCKS COFFEE and listening to the Jag's in-dash CD PLAYER. Suddenly Austin DROOPS. The car starts to sputter. The fuel gauge reads empty. AUSTIN Gor blimey, I'm on empty! That's funny, I just filled the Shaguar up this morning. Austin hits a button on the dashboard. BASIL EXPOSITION appears on the picture phone in the dash. BASIL EXPOSITION (on picture phone) Hello, I'm Basil Exposition, head of British Intelligence. AUSTIN You always are, Basil. Listen, the weirdest thing just happened, I've run out of petrol. BASIL EXPOSITION We'll send a man around immediately. How was your honeymoon? AUSTIN Vanessa tried to kill me, Basil. She was a Fembot! BASIL EXPOSITION Ah women, who can understand them? Moving on, let's discuss your new case. AUSTIN New case? Very shagadelic, Basil! BASIL EXPOSITION You'll be doing a photo shoot. We know that one of the models is an ex- KGB agent selling top secret material to the highest bidder. AUSTIN That sounds easy enough, you know what they say: all work and no shagging makes Austin a dull boy, man! INT. SKI LODGE Austin sets up his photo equipment. The room is decorated in classic Heffner- bear skin rugs, leather chairs, roaring fire. AUSTIN (looking around) Tres chic, baby. REG, the photo assistant, enters. REG Austin, the models are ready. AUSTIN Ta, Reg. Bless your cotton socks. Hey, Reg, do you have any hobbies? REG What? AUSTIN Hobbies, man! I for one enjoy making models! The models make their entrance. They are REAL SUPERMODELS, say CINDY CRAWFORD, REBECCA ROMAJIN and also one MODEL we don't know. SUPERMODELS (circling Austin) It's him! Oh my God! It's Austin Powers! Austin shoots a look to Reg like 'still got it, baby.' AUSTIN One at a time, girls. One. At. A. Time! CINDY Hi, I'm Cindy. I don't believe I've had the pleasure. AUSTIN Of course you haven't had "The Pleasure", we just met, baby, yeah! REBECCA How do you do, Austin? I'm Rebecca. (indicating the photo gear) Your equipment is quite impressive. AUSTIN Thank you. Your breasts are amazing. Austin comes to the unknown model. She is tall and angular. AUSTIN And what's your name, baby? MODEL (thick Russian accent) Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN Excuse me? IVANA Ivana. Ivana Humpalot. AUSTIN And I vanna toilet made of solid gold but it's just not in the cards, now is it? Austin looks over the girls, trying to decide who is the spy. AUSTIN (V.O.) (inner monologue) Now, which one is the Russian spy? Cindy Crawford, Rebecca Romajin... or Ivana Humpalot? Think, man, think! Austin begins snapping pictures. The sequence is shot like a photo shoot, with freeze frames, etc. AUSTIN Alright, baby! Love it. Turn and pout for me baby! Smashing! Cindy gets on all fours. AUSTIN Great, darling. Give me some shoulder. Yes, yes, yes. (angry) No! No! FULL FRAME, cover of Vogue. Cindy with her head framed out. AUSTIN (to Rebecca) Show me love. Smashing! You're an animal. You're a tiger. Be a tiger, baby! You're great! You're Grrrrrr- eat! You're Tony, be corn flakes, baby, be frosted. Now be a lemur, baby! You're a ring-tailed lemur. Rebecca looks confused. REBECCA A lemur? AUSTIN A small mammal native to the African savannah. C'mon baby, you know. Like this! (imitating lemur) OK, predator coming! Now, burrow, burrow! You're a lemur. It's all you've got. (beat) I take it back. Be a tiger again. Smashing! FULL FRAME, Rebecca on the cover of National--Geographic. AUSTIN And... done! I'm spent! Austin throws his camera to Reg, who catches it. REG Hel-lo, you forgot about Ivana. AUSTIN I didn't forget, baby. Miss Humpalot and I are going to have a 'private session'. Reg shows the girls out as they PROTEST. Austin and Ivana are left alone. Austin CLAPS TWICE and the lights dim. He CLAPS again and the fire goes up. MUSIC: I'm Never Going To Fall in Love Again by BURT BACHARACH IVANA When did you get "The Clapper"? AUSTIN November, 1964, Dutch East Indies, shore leave. IVANA Are you cold, Mr. Powers? AUSTIN I once had a bad experience with frostbite. I had to dip my tadger into a brandy snifter. Ivana moves over to a chessboard set up nearby. IVANA Do you know how we keep warm in Russia? AUSTIN I can guess, baby. IVANA We play chess. AUSTIN I guessed wrong. IVANA It takes a keen intelligence to play chess. Of course, you know what they say about men with big brains, don't you? AUSTIN They wear large hats? IVANA No, they make better lovers. AUSTIN Wrong again. Ivana starts playing with the chess pieces sexily (like in The Thomas Crowne Affair). IVANA I assume you know how to play. She runs the bishop across her lips sexily. AUSTIN Of course. The... horsey... moves in an L shape. Austin tries to match her sexy moves and CHOKES on a piece. AUSTIN Let's stop playing games with each other... especially difficult ones. May I ask you a question, Miss Humpalot? IVANA Of course. AUSTIN Do I make you horny? Do I? Austin rolls around on the polar bear rug. IVANA I'll tell you anything you want to know, just make love to me. She pulls his shirt off, revealing his prodigious chest hair. IVANA You are hairy, like an animal! AUSTIN (growling and barking) Grrrr, baby. Austin takes the head of the bear skin rug. AUSTIN Grrrr. Ruf! Ruf! (covers the bear's eyes) Wait a tick, I don't want him watching me while I'm on the job! IVANA Make love to me, monkey man. AUSTIN Groovy, baby! We pan around the room, seeing all the stuffed and mounted wildlife who seem to be watching. Suddenly the camera stops. So does the music. IVANA (O.S.) What's the matter? CUT TO: MONTAGE - VARIOUS STOCK FOOTAGE A tall flower wilts and beds over. A souffle falls. A flag is lowered to half mast. A giant redwood falls in a forest. A hot air balloon deflates and falls. An actual scientific diagram of a penis in the refractory period. INT. LODGE AUSTIN (to camera) Crikey, I've lost my mojo. EXT. LONDON STREETS (STOCK FOOTAGE) An ambulance races through the streets, SIREN BLARING. EXT. MINISTRY OF DEFENSE SUPER: "MINISTRY OF DEFENSE" INT. MOD - HALLWAY Basil hurries through, pushing past TECHNICIANS and WORKERS. BASIL EXPOSITION Where is he? In here? INT. MOD - LAB Basil enters. Cross between a hospital room and a lab. Austin lies in bed hooked up to lots of monitoring equipment. BASIL EXPOSITION Austin, I came as soon as I heard. AUSTIN There must be some kind of mistake, Basil. Maybe I was drunk and I didn't know it. Austin holds his neck very stiffly. BASIL EXPOSITION What's wrong with your neck, Austin? AUSTIN (turning stiffly to face Basil) I took a Viagra and it got caught in my throat. I've had a stiff neck for hours. Basil, is it true? Have I lost my mojo? BASIL EXPOSITION We're going to run a few tests, Austin. Don't worry, old friend, we'll get to the bottom of this. INT. MRI MACHINE Austin is being loaded into one of those big scary MRI machines: the MOJONATOR 9000. The mojo meter reads VERY LOW. INT. MOD LAB MONTAGE (TIME-LAPSE): Technicians in white suits and masks transform the room into a love lair: A pair of Latex-gloved hands carefully puts a BURT BACHARACH record on a turntable. Examination lights are replaced with LAVA LAMPS. A tray is brought in with a videotape marked "SWEDISH EDUCATIONAL FILM." Finally, the transformation is complete. Austin lies in bed reading a vintage PLAYBOY. A CANDY STRIPE NURSE enters, very pretty, in a tight outfit. NURSE Excuse me, Mr. Powers, I need to give you a sponge bath before we begin the test. AUSTIN (not paying attention to her) Alright, miss, just let me finish this article on the Suez crisis. An ALARM goes off. Bright LIGHTS come on. Basil enters. AUSTIN What's going on? BASIL EXPOSITION Alright, everyone, we're done. AUSTIN But the test hasn't even started!

imsdb

How many times the word 'imsdb' appears in the text?

BAIN What? RATH What restaurant? BAIN Uh, Fontella's RATH So you're from around here? BAIN No. No I'm not. Bain is getting agitated. RATH Where you from? BAIN What is this? RATH Not too good at small talk, eh? BAIN Look, I'm real tired and I'm not interested in fucking chit-chat. RATH I know just what you mean. I'm pretty beat myself. Silence. RATH Since you looked like a waiter, I had to ask what restaurant because of what happened at the Trattoria Roma. Bain looks up. BAIN Why? What happened? RATH Didn't you here all them sirens? It's been all over the radio. Some guy shot Leevio Valli, and a bunch of bystanders, in the Trattoria Roma. BAIN No shit. RATH Yeah, it's terrible. I mean Valli, and I don't care what office he's running for, the guy's a crook. He probably had it coming, but all the other people. Real sad. BAIN Yeah. RATH But they caught the guy. I heard it all. Sounded like he just went berserk, fucking loco. Shooting anybody. Drugs, probably. BAIN Probably. RATH I'd love to sit in that jury. Send that S.O.B. right to the chair. Bain allows himself a bemused smile. BAIN Sizzle lean. The cab passes the intersection for the airport. Bain sits up. BAIN What are you doing? RATH What? BAIN That was Peterson back there. That goes to the expressway for the airport. RATH You're right. Talking too much again. BAIN Yeah well, you just blew your tip, pal. RATH What? You think I'm running you up? BAIN Just do your job. Rath pulls over and slaps the cab in park. BAIN What are you doing? RATH Get out. You think I'm running you up? Get out. BAIN You can't -- RATH The hell I can't. It's my cab. I don't like you. So, get the hell out! Bain can't figure out what is wrong, when he sees the dashboard and the missing ID. Their eyes meet in the rearview mirror. BAIN Holy fucking shit! The cab rocks as both men move. Instantly guns fill their hands. Bain ripping out a .357 lifted from one of the dead cops. Rath rolls to the side whipping the gun free from his jacket. Bain throws open the door, about to run, but stops. He looks at Rath. He wants him to run. Anyone who moves away from the bullet proof glass is dead. Both men are silent, each holding the other in their gun sights. Bain blinks, sweat forming on his lip. BAIN I get out, you got me. Bain reaches over and closes the door. He smiles knowing it is the right move. BAIN Now what? Rath calmly uncocks his gun. RATH We're both going to the airport. Bain nods. RATH Sit back. Put your seatbelt on. BAIN No fucking way. RATH Okay, don't. Bain thinks. RATH If either of us fucks around, the other can blow the fuel line. He points his gun at the floor where the fuel line runs. Bain sits back, aiming his gun, watching Rath. Rath eases back into the driver's seat, also holding his gun on the fuel line. He puts the car into drive and slides back into traffic, turning back towards Peterson. They sit in silence, studying each other, when they hit the expressway. Bain can't contain himself, giddy on adrenaline. BAIN Jesus -- I'm being driven to the airport by Robert Rath. He laughs. BAIN I can't believe this. You rolled some cabby for the radio, then waited for an airport fare. He laughs again. BAIN Boy, that's fucking genius. You're a fucking genius. Then you're just sitting there, bullshitting with me. Man, no way I coulda done that! RATH What's your name? We both know it's not Nicholai. BAIN Holy shit! Robert Rath wants to know my name. He leans back. This is a big moment for him. BAIN Bain. Michael Bain. RATH How long have you been freelance? BAIN Two years. Two long fucking years. Something occurs to him and he leans close to the window. BAIN Hey. What I don't get was why didn't you take the shot inside the restaurant? I mean you had me, a free shot. That's what I would have done. RATH It's just a shoot-out then. Sixty- forty, at best. Not my odds. BAIN Sounds like chickenshit -- He laughs hard. BAIN Listen to me calling you chickenshit! He stops laughing and looks closely at the back of Rath's head. BAIN Is that a wig? Shit, I hate wigs! Wigs are the worst part of this job. I'd rather dye my hair than wear a wig. Rath studies him. RATH You're wearing a wig now. Bain chokes on his laugh. BAIN God damn are you good. Everyone says you're so fucking good. I just can't believe I'm still alive. If I believed in God, I'd be down on my knees. Right now -- Hey, how come you just didn't plug us all when we came through the door? Rath does not answer. Bain smiles. He knows something about Rath now; he doesn't like killing innocent people. BAIN Shit if I was you, back there -- He holds his gun up to the bulletproof glass behind Rath's head. BAIN Game over. He laughs. BAIN Do you mind if I ask you a couple of business questions? You know I was wondering how much you bid this job at? Rath says nothing. BAIN You don't have to tell me that. It's just, I know my bid was low, but was it too low? I mean, did I seem like an amateur, like I didn't know what I was doing? RATH We both know what you were doing. Bain moves close to the glass again, checking out Rath's gun. BAIN Smith and Wesson .22 with an eight inch silencer. Classic. When I first heard you used that, I thought, shit, that's a lady's gun. Now, it's all I use. Clean, real clean. He looks at the gun, still trained at the floor. BAIN Would you really blow us? Rath does not have to answer. BAIN Oh! I got a question. Jesus, this has been driving me crazy for years -- shit, listen to me. I sound like some fucking fanboy. I'm sorry, but I just got to ask you. Everybody talks about how you left the Agency and got into the business and then how you went after the Russian, Nicholai Talinkov -- RATH Tachlinkov. BAIN Yeah, that's it. And he's like a fucking genius. They said he shaded you over and over. And in the end, he aced you again. Shaded and faded. They say he's living on some Greek island, but I say that's fucking bullshit. I say you're the best and that you planted his ass. Am I right? Rath says nothing. BAIN I bet I'm right. The car passes under a sign indicating the ramp for the Cleveland airport. BAIN Robert Bain, driving me! Jesus fucking Christ! RATH After those cops, you'll never be able to come back to Cleveland. BAIN Who the fuck cares about Cleveland. Cleveland blows. What kind of marks have they got here? Greasy mobster, teamster or some hand job politician. I want the money marks. I want the marks that you get. A long beat of silence. The CAB RUMBLES up onto the "departures" ramp which circles past all of the terminals. BAIN So what happens now? RATH We go around once. BAIN Bullshit. He throws off his seatbelt. BAIN You tell me that we're gonna go around once, then, while I'm checking out the lay of the land, you bail out and send me flying over the bridge. Right? Am I right? Rath doesn't answer, studying the terminals, noting the police and airport security. Rath studies the terrain. Bain studies Rath. Soon they have passed the entire airport. Rath nods. Steering the car through traffic in onto a circle interchange that will bring them to the beginning. Bain wipes the sweat from his face. RATH Okay. BAIN What? What's okay? Rath begins to accelerate, rounding the interchange. BAIN What are you doing? RATH There's a sand barricade up ahead; I'm going to ram this cab into it. The cab has an airbag, odds are good I'll survive. But with this steel casing and bullet proof glass, odds for you are not so good. Bain laughs. BAIN Oh man, that's sweet. That's fucking sweet. The speedometer continues to climb. BAIN You're bluffing. Rath says nothing. Ahead, at the ramp to the terminals, is the sand barricade. BAIN You're fucking with me. You want me to jump. I jump, you hit the brakes and bang -- Game over. The cab is flying at its target. BAIN No, no. Wait. You don't want me to jump. You're going to jump. I'm stuck back here until it's too late. Wham -- over! RATH I know you're going to jump. Bain looks at him and then at the barricade. RATH You're still young. Young enough to still think you're indestructible. Invincible. You believe with utter certainty you can bail out at the last second and survive. The barricade hurtles toward them, rising up, filling the windshield. RATH If you do survive, we'll see each other again. Bain screams, throwing open the door and hurling himself out. Rath jams on the brakes, TIRES SCREAMING, steering into the steel side rail, banking the car into the drums of sand as -- Bain hits the pavement, bouncing like a stone skipped across water. A driver hits his brakes, swerving, just missing him. SAND EXPLODES from the impact and the cab bounces up over the median into the bus-only lanes as the driver's airbag balloons out of the steering wheel. Bain rolls and rolls, finally stopping sprawled out like a piece of roadkill. The cab careens up onto a curb, slamming into a pole, the radiator spitting out a cloud of WHISTLING STEAM. Several cars lock up and collide to avoid Bain; one car stopping inches from him. A woman jumps out, rushing to the front of the car, but Bain is gone. Police CARS ROAR up into the midst of the accident. One of them pulling alongside the demolished cab. The door is open, the airbag popped. Rath is gone. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY A large six flat leans out from a hill in San Francisco. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT - DAY The apartment is always dark; heavy drapes cover the windows. The dining and living rooms look like the control booth of a network television show, stacks of video monitors and consoles, cables, electric wiring, coils of fiber optic cord duct-taped to the floors, walls and ceilings. They snake through holes punched in the plaster walls and hang everywhere like some technological jungle. At the center of this tangled web is ELECTRA, a beautiful athletic looking woman wearing only her underwear and a worn robe. She is curled up in an overstuffed chair, a bowl of popcorn in her lap. On the monitors, she is watching what at first might be mistaken for a soap opera; a young couple are having an argument. What is strange is that the angle never changes; a fish- eye lens staring down into the room. MAN (V.O.) I don't give a shit what your mother thinks. I'm not sleeping with your mother, I'm sleeping with you. WOMAN (V.O.) You won't be for long, with that attitude. MAN (V.O.) Jesus, Jennifer, if you're so god damned worried about your mother's approval, why don't you move back home so she can pat you on the head when you do something right. ELECTRA Jerk. Jennifer is too stunned to say anything. There is a long pause that is not at all like television. It seems very real. She starts to say something, but stops, trying to keep herself from crying. MAN (V.O.) Oh good. Go ahead and cry. JENNIFER (WOMAN) (V.O.) Would you please leave? Electra lifts her head, smelling the air. ELECTRA Mmm, smell that, Nikita? Nikita, Electra's black cat, is stretched lazily across the top of a chair, her tail twitching absently. Every corner of the chair has been clawed open. Electra reaches for the control board and throws a series of switches. The monitors flicker as the image changes. We are now looking down into a kitchen. A stove is beneath us, almost like a cooking show, where a round woman is taking out a tray of chocolate chip cookies. Electra smells them again, smiling as she inhales. ELECTRA I hope she saves some for us. There is a BANG, a DOOR SLAMMING in another apartment, and a MAN YELLING. Electra switches back to Jennifer's apartment. The man is still in the living room, but Jennifer is gone. MAN (V.O.) Do you think slamming doors is going to help work this out? Electra punches a command into a keyboard. Several of the screens change, showing different rooms of the same apartment. Jennifer is in the bedroom, lying on the bed sobbing, her face buried in a pillow. MAN (V.O.) I can slam doors too! We hear the front DOOR SLAM in the hall outside of Electra's apartment and through the monitor speakers. His stomping FOOTSTEPS FADE as he storms down the hall and staircase out of the building. Electra switches all of the screens to Jennifer. She watches and listens to her cry alone in her bedroom. Electra reaches out; her fingers lightly touch the monitor screen. INT. APARTMENT HALL Electra's front door opens slowly. Timidly, she steps out of her apartment and walks down the hall until she is standing in front of Jennifer's door. She starts to knock, but stops herself. She isn't sure she should do this. She paces, then turns to the door. She knocks, so softly it's almost impossible to hear. She stands, trying to force herself to knock again, when she hears Jennifer. JENNIFER (O.S.) Hello? Ken, is that you? Electra panics. The door knob turns, the door opens and JENNIFER looks out into the hall. It is empty. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT On the monitors, Electra watches Jennifer pick up the phone. JENNIFER (V.O.) Hi, Mom, it's me. Ken and I just had a big fight. Electra's PAGER suddenly SOUNDS. She shuts down the screens and pulls out the pager, checking the number. ELECTRA Crap. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT There is a system set up that is not unlike Rath's system; all of the same components, though the equipment is bigger, more powerful and less portable. On a table there is a bank of phones, several cellular. Electra is talking on one. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra, they are not paying you to sit at home and watch television. Electra is fiddling with five plastic computer disks; each has a MicroCell trademark and is labeled "Back-Up." ELECTRA I wasn't watching television. WOMAN (V.O.) The point is, they are paying for information. Real information. Not tooth paste brands. Not whether he wads of folds his toilet paper. And no 16 hours of recorded phone sex. You are wasting everyone's time with this shit. ELECTRA I thought it was interesting -- WOMAN (V.O.) God damnit, Electra. This is not a game. This is business. ELECTRA Right. In my hands I have five back-up disks he made of all of his work last night. WOMAN (V.O.) Jesus! Why didn't you tell me? ELECTRA I'll make my usual arrangements and expect my usual bonus. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra -- ELECTRA A pleasure doing business with you. She hangs up. INT. LOBBY Electra comes down the stairs. Outside the large glass door she sees KEN, Jennifer's boyfriend, leaving. On the lobby floor is a letter, apparently slipped under the door, addressed to Jennifer Morgan. Electra looks out the front door window, making sure that Ken is gone. She picks up the letter and stuffs it into her pocket. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is at his computer system. He is staring at it, like it is a living thing, a person that he despises, the blank screen reflecting his own face. It is an effort to bring himself to touch the keyboard, to type in his code. He waits. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Hello, Robert. Rath wants to type something but hesitates. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know what happened. RATH I bet you fucking know! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN It cost us. Rath jumps out of his chair, screaming at the screen. RATH I give a fuck? I'm done! I quit! Do you fucking hear me! I'm fucking gone! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN He stole another contract. Rath turns from the monitor, pacing. Trying to collect himself. RATH I'm being set up. Fucking set up! He looks at the chess board. He hovers over it, the pattern completely familiar. RATH Is this how it went, Nick? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Robert? Robert? Rath turns back to the screen, speaking as he types. RATH/SCREEN How did he know? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Know what? RATH/SCREEN The fucking contract! How in the fuck did he know. A long beat. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Such language in front of a lady. Rath still talking and typing. RATH/SCREEN I don't know what the fuck you are. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know. It was a joke. Rath stands, no longer typing. RATH A joke? A joke? Rath takes out his gun and levels it at the face of the screen. RATH You think this is a fucking joke? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN $1,000,000. Rath looks at the number. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN That's the bonus on the contract. Rath puts the gun down. RATH/SCREEN Deadline? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Tomorrow. The buyer is Japanese. His retirement a condition of the bonus. The FAX MACHINE COMES TO LIFE, printing an inky image. RATH/SCREEN Who is the mark? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Freelancer. A woman. Surveillance specialist. RATH A player? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN We have an M.O... Her system is protected by her 'pussy virus.' Rath looks at the fax; almost entirely black except for the wide, slit-iris cat eyes. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY There is a SCREECH and BLAST of ENGINES as a 747 touches down, heat rising off the tarmac. INT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY Several passengers walk through the gate into the terminal. Across from the gate, Rath sits in a grungy airport cafeteria, reading a folded paper. He is wearing an airport security uniform, a gun holstered to his side. Taped inside the newspaper is a faxed Interpol photograph of a Japanese man wanted for "industrial espionage." At the gate, five Japanese men emerge. Leading the group is the man in Rath's photo. The other four are obviously muscle. Rath watches as they walk down the crowded terminal hall. When they are almost out of sight, he folds his newspaper and begins to follow. His pace and manner is that of a cautious predator. His focus shifts continually from face to face, expecting to find Bain's. His hand hovers near his gun. Ahead of him a thin young man, wearing a long blue trench coat, stops. Rath cannot see his face. The man starts toward a drinking fountain. Rath catches a glimpse of his face. It could be Bain, but he isn't sure. The young man bends over and slurps at the stream of water. He rises into the barrel of Rath's .22. A mouthful of water coughs from his mouth. It is not Bain and in the next instant, the gun is gone. RATH Sorry. My mistake. Rath continues. They young man is unable to move. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY The five men stride through the automated terminal doors and towards a waiting limousine. Further down, Rath, now wearing a black T-shirt and jeans, exits and hails a cab. INT. CAB RATH Hi. Up ahead my boss is in that black limo. We're not sure which hotel we're at, so could you just follow them? CABBY Sure. Rath sits back studying the faces exiting the terminal as the cab pulls away. INT. LIMOUSINE The five men sit in silence. Strangely, a PHONE begins to RING. The older man, whose name is AKIRA, opens his briefcase, removing a cellular phone. AKIRA Hello? We hear Electra's voice. She speaks in Japanese; he uses English. ELECTRA (V.O.) I trust your flight was comfortable? AKIRA Your Japanese is excellent. ELECTRA (V.O.) Tell the driver: the Hyatt Hotel. INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY Electra is pacing, talking into the cellular phone. ELECTRA I'll call you again in twenty minutes. She punches a button and shoves the antennae down. The hotel room looks like her apartment. There is a computer and a series of monitors stacked on top of the wood laminate desk. Cables whip and wind across the carpeted floor to the central air duct. The panel has been removed and intertwined black and gray coaxial run up inside the duct. Immediately, Electra is busy finishing her preparations. She snaps in several power cords and the system comes on- line. On the monitor screen, we see an empty hotel room that looks exactly like the one she is in. INT. CAB Rath stares out the window, watching the surrounding traffic, the limo still in sight. Something occurs to him and he looks down at the folded newspaper where he had hid the contract file. He flips past several documents before finding what he's looking for; the cat. He pulls the dark fax of Nikita and stares at it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Laying on the bed, in a patch of sunlight, Nikita watches Electra rush about. Electra grabs the sheet from under the comforter and yanks it out. ELECTRA Excuse me, your Highness. Nikita casually walks off the bed. Electra takes the sheet to the open duct and tears off a long piece of duct-tape. EXT. HYATT HOTEL The limousine pulls up in the lavish circular driveway. The cab pulls in behind it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra checks her watch and picks up the cellular phone. INT. HYATT LOBBY The Japanese men stand in a cluster looking very rigid and uncomfortable. The BRIEFCASE RINGS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is pacing again. ELECTRA Room 1414. INT. HYATT LOBBY With several other guests, the Japanese men crowd into an elevator. The doors close. Across the lobby, Rath enters, walking past the elevators. INT. ELEVATOR As the elevator rises, we begin to hear a SOUND, a familiar sound. Cramped in the corner is Bain. He is PLAYING "TETRIS," wearing dark sunglasses and a WALKMAN PUMPING SPEED METAL into his ears. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra continues to pace, checking the monitors. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN At the switchboard, a YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE wearing an operator's headset, takes a late breakfast order, typing the order in the hotel computer. YOUNG MAN (YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE) Yes, sir. That'll be up in about thirty minutes. You're welcome. He turns around and Rath is right behind him. INT. ELEVATOR The fourteenth floor; the BELL CHIMES, the doors slide open and the clump of Japanese men get out. Just as the doors begin to close, Bain steps out. INT. HALL Bain follows them down the hall, still PLAYING the GAME. There is again an ominous sense of predator moving in on its prey. As Akira finds 1414 and opens the door, another door burst open, a large family, heading for the pool. The moment is gone; the Japanese men close the door and Bain continues down the hall again, PLAYING the GAME. INT. HOTEL SUITE When the Japanese men enter the suite, we realize that this is the image on Electra's monitors. Surveillance camcorders and microphones are mounted in various locations to display every inch of the room. The group hesitates for a moment, under the electronic eyes. The four goons have their hands in their jackets. A small LAPTOP COMPUTER sits on the coffee table HUMMING SOFTLY. It is the only noise in the room until a speaker crackles. ELECTRA/SPEAKER (V.O.) Good morning, gentlemen. I apologize for the arrangement, but we all know those aren't business cards you're reaching for. If anyone leaves this room, the deal's off. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN The operator is unconscious, slumped in the corner. Rath studies the hotel computer screen intently, the information rolling by. We see that it is the previous night's room service receipts. RATH One vegetarian plate and a can of tuna fish. Room 1014. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stands in front of the monitors watching the men as she speaks into the microphone. ELECTRA Ten thousand dollars per disk. Insert the first disk now. On the monitor, we see Akira at the coffee table shove the first disk into the laptop disk drive. INT. HOTEL SUITE Akira turns from the small computer screen and nods at a goon, who drops a green brick of bound one hundred dollar bills, down the central air duct. The little clock on the laptop ticks away as it copies. INT. HYATT HALL Bain is sitting on a bench entrenched in a fevered game of "TETRIS." Suddenly, he stops. BAIN Yes! The display of the game reads "Game Over" and congratulates Bain on a new high score. Bain stands, smiling. He puts the game in his pocket and starts down the hall. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is crouched at the open duct, grabbing another stack of money, stuffing it into her bag. A LOUD BANG EXPLODES out of the SPEAKERS and she looks up at the monitor. INT. HOTEL SUITE The lock on the door has been broken and standing in the frame is Bain. BAIN Surprise! He raises his arm, his GUN spitting SILENT BULLETS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stares in horror at the monitors as Bain grabs the nearest bodyguard, FIRING a SHOT into his belly. ELECTRA Oh, God. INT. HOTEL SUITE Another SHOT and the second bodyguard falls. The other two draw their handguns and Bain shields himself with the lifeless body of his first victim. They FIRE at Bain but are unable to hit him. Bain squeezes off TWO MORE SHOTS and the two men fall dead. He lets his human shield fall to the ground and levels his gun on the shaking Akira. AKIRA Don't kill me. Bain looks at him and smiles, then FIRES. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra leaps at the computer, ripping the cord from the modem. Bain sees the fiber optic cable and looks right into it. BAIN (V.O.) Tricky. Boy, you just can't trust anyone these days. He licks the lens, leaving a smear of saliva. She stuffs the disks into her bag. She puts Nikita in her "travel kitty" and charges for the door, grabbing her coat. Flinging it over her shoulder, she does not notice the letter from Ken slip out of her pocket as she bolts from the room. INT. HALL Electra explodes through the door and suddenly freezes. She is staring down the barrel of Rath's .22. RATH Don't be stupid and you will live. The elevator behind Rath opens and closes against a hotel lobby ashtray. He waves her into the elevator with his gun. RATH Hurry. EXT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY Electra's black CAR ROARS out of the garage, onto the open street. INT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY The door swings open. From the hall we can hear the familiar BEEPING of the COMPUTER GAME. The room, 1014, is the same as Electra had left it when she ran out. Jutting from a shadow on the floor is the corner of Ken's letter. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Electra drives, obviously nervous, as Rath watches out the rear window. RATH Turn here. No one follows. He turns back to her. RATH How many bodies were there? He checks his watch. ELECTRA What? RATH He has to clean up. How many bodies were there? ELECTRA Um, five. RATH One hour per man. Rath sets the timer on his watch for five hours. INT. HYATT HOTEL ROOM - DAY Bain has returned to room 1414. Wearing rubber gloves, he clicks open a black leather attache and pulls out a can of rug cleaner. He picks up the phone for room service. BAIN Hi. This is room 1414 -- Behind him, in the bathroom mirror, we see one of the Japanese men hanging from the shower by his feet. He is naked. BAIN Yes, could you send up a pot of coffee and my friends are going to need some more towels. Thanks. He hangs up the phone and walks over to one of the large blood stains on the carpet. He points the rug cleaner at the stain covering it with white foam. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Rath sees the entrance for the expressway. RATH Get on the expressway. ELECTRA Where are we going? Rath glances back. RATH Nowhere yet. Electra turns onto the highway and NIKITA HOWLS from the "travel kitty" in the back seat. ELECTRA Nikita, hush. NIKITA wants out and HOWLS again. ELECTRA She won't stop unless you let her out. Rath reaches back and opens the box. Nikita springs into the front seat onto Rath's lap. RATH Nikita? She helped me find you. ELECTRA What? How did you know I had a cat? RATH Took a guess. Lucky for you, I guessed right. ELECTRA Who the fuck are you? Who do you work for? RATH I work for the government. ELECTRA Yeah? She studies his face, his eyes. ELECTRA Bullshit. RATH Yeah. ELECTRA You're one of them, aren't you? A fucking pro. RATH I'm part of the game, just like you. Electra pounds the steering wheel. ELECTRA Jesus! He reaches into the back seat, grabbing her bag. ELECTRA What do you think you're doing? Rath plucks out the bundles of money. RATH Twenty large? That's all? ELECTRA What do you mean, 'that's all'? What in the hell do you know? RATH The bonus on the contract for you was one million dollars. Electra seems ready to jump out of her skin. The speedometer is floating around 90. RATH Slow down. He pulls out the disks. RATH I figure that means these are worth ten times that, maybe more. ELECTRA Ten million -- RATH Now you understand

hey

How many times the word 'hey' appears in the text?

BAIN What? RATH What restaurant? BAIN Uh, Fontella's RATH So you're from around here? BAIN No. No I'm not. Bain is getting agitated. RATH Where you from? BAIN What is this? RATH Not too good at small talk, eh? BAIN Look, I'm real tired and I'm not interested in fucking chit-chat. RATH I know just what you mean. I'm pretty beat myself. Silence. RATH Since you looked like a waiter, I had to ask what restaurant because of what happened at the Trattoria Roma. Bain looks up. BAIN Why? What happened? RATH Didn't you here all them sirens? It's been all over the radio. Some guy shot Leevio Valli, and a bunch of bystanders, in the Trattoria Roma. BAIN No shit. RATH Yeah, it's terrible. I mean Valli, and I don't care what office he's running for, the guy's a crook. He probably had it coming, but all the other people. Real sad. BAIN Yeah. RATH But they caught the guy. I heard it all. Sounded like he just went berserk, fucking loco. Shooting anybody. Drugs, probably. BAIN Probably. RATH I'd love to sit in that jury. Send that S.O.B. right to the chair. Bain allows himself a bemused smile. BAIN Sizzle lean. The cab passes the intersection for the airport. Bain sits up. BAIN What are you doing? RATH What? BAIN That was Peterson back there. That goes to the expressway for the airport. RATH You're right. Talking too much again. BAIN Yeah well, you just blew your tip, pal. RATH What? You think I'm running you up? BAIN Just do your job. Rath pulls over and slaps the cab in park. BAIN What are you doing? RATH Get out. You think I'm running you up? Get out. BAIN You can't -- RATH The hell I can't. It's my cab. I don't like you. So, get the hell out! Bain can't figure out what is wrong, when he sees the dashboard and the missing ID. Their eyes meet in the rearview mirror. BAIN Holy fucking shit! The cab rocks as both men move. Instantly guns fill their hands. Bain ripping out a .357 lifted from one of the dead cops. Rath rolls to the side whipping the gun free from his jacket. Bain throws open the door, about to run, but stops. He looks at Rath. He wants him to run. Anyone who moves away from the bullet proof glass is dead. Both men are silent, each holding the other in their gun sights. Bain blinks, sweat forming on his lip. BAIN I get out, you got me. Bain reaches over and closes the door. He smiles knowing it is the right move. BAIN Now what? Rath calmly uncocks his gun. RATH We're both going to the airport. Bain nods. RATH Sit back. Put your seatbelt on. BAIN No fucking way. RATH Okay, don't. Bain thinks. RATH If either of us fucks around, the other can blow the fuel line. He points his gun at the floor where the fuel line runs. Bain sits back, aiming his gun, watching Rath. Rath eases back into the driver's seat, also holding his gun on the fuel line. He puts the car into drive and slides back into traffic, turning back towards Peterson. They sit in silence, studying each other, when they hit the expressway. Bain can't contain himself, giddy on adrenaline. BAIN Jesus -- I'm being driven to the airport by Robert Rath. He laughs. BAIN I can't believe this. You rolled some cabby for the radio, then waited for an airport fare. He laughs again. BAIN Boy, that's fucking genius. You're a fucking genius. Then you're just sitting there, bullshitting with me. Man, no way I coulda done that! RATH What's your name? We both know it's not Nicholai. BAIN Holy shit! Robert Rath wants to know my name. He leans back. This is a big moment for him. BAIN Bain. Michael Bain. RATH How long have you been freelance? BAIN Two years. Two long fucking years. Something occurs to him and he leans close to the window. BAIN Hey. What I don't get was why didn't you take the shot inside the restaurant? I mean you had me, a free shot. That's what I would have done. RATH It's just a shoot-out then. Sixty- forty, at best. Not my odds. BAIN Sounds like chickenshit -- He laughs hard. BAIN Listen to me calling you chickenshit! He stops laughing and looks closely at the back of Rath's head. BAIN Is that a wig? Shit, I hate wigs! Wigs are the worst part of this job. I'd rather dye my hair than wear a wig. Rath studies him. RATH You're wearing a wig now. Bain chokes on his laugh. BAIN God damn are you good. Everyone says you're so fucking good. I just can't believe I'm still alive. If I believed in God, I'd be down on my knees. Right now -- Hey, how come you just didn't plug us all when we came through the door? Rath does not answer. Bain smiles. He knows something about Rath now; he doesn't like killing innocent people. BAIN Shit if I was you, back there -- He holds his gun up to the bulletproof glass behind Rath's head. BAIN Game over. He laughs. BAIN Do you mind if I ask you a couple of business questions? You know I was wondering how much you bid this job at? Rath says nothing. BAIN You don't have to tell me that. It's just, I know my bid was low, but was it too low? I mean, did I seem like an amateur, like I didn't know what I was doing? RATH We both know what you were doing. Bain moves close to the glass again, checking out Rath's gun. BAIN Smith and Wesson .22 with an eight inch silencer. Classic. When I first heard you used that, I thought, shit, that's a lady's gun. Now, it's all I use. Clean, real clean. He looks at the gun, still trained at the floor. BAIN Would you really blow us? Rath does not have to answer. BAIN Oh! I got a question. Jesus, this has been driving me crazy for years -- shit, listen to me. I sound like some fucking fanboy. I'm sorry, but I just got to ask you. Everybody talks about how you left the Agency and got into the business and then how you went after the Russian, Nicholai Talinkov -- RATH Tachlinkov. BAIN Yeah, that's it. And he's like a fucking genius. They said he shaded you over and over. And in the end, he aced you again. Shaded and faded. They say he's living on some Greek island, but I say that's fucking bullshit. I say you're the best and that you planted his ass. Am I right? Rath says nothing. BAIN I bet I'm right. The car passes under a sign indicating the ramp for the Cleveland airport. BAIN Robert Bain, driving me! Jesus fucking Christ! RATH After those cops, you'll never be able to come back to Cleveland. BAIN Who the fuck cares about Cleveland. Cleveland blows. What kind of marks have they got here? Greasy mobster, teamster or some hand job politician. I want the money marks. I want the marks that you get. A long beat of silence. The CAB RUMBLES up onto the "departures" ramp which circles past all of the terminals. BAIN So what happens now? RATH We go around once. BAIN Bullshit. He throws off his seatbelt. BAIN You tell me that we're gonna go around once, then, while I'm checking out the lay of the land, you bail out and send me flying over the bridge. Right? Am I right? Rath doesn't answer, studying the terminals, noting the police and airport security. Rath studies the terrain. Bain studies Rath. Soon they have passed the entire airport. Rath nods. Steering the car through traffic in onto a circle interchange that will bring them to the beginning. Bain wipes the sweat from his face. RATH Okay. BAIN What? What's okay? Rath begins to accelerate, rounding the interchange. BAIN What are you doing? RATH There's a sand barricade up ahead; I'm going to ram this cab into it. The cab has an airbag, odds are good I'll survive. But with this steel casing and bullet proof glass, odds for you are not so good. Bain laughs. BAIN Oh man, that's sweet. That's fucking sweet. The speedometer continues to climb. BAIN You're bluffing. Rath says nothing. Ahead, at the ramp to the terminals, is the sand barricade. BAIN You're fucking with me. You want me to jump. I jump, you hit the brakes and bang -- Game over. The cab is flying at its target. BAIN No, no. Wait. You don't want me to jump. You're going to jump. I'm stuck back here until it's too late. Wham -- over! RATH I know you're going to jump. Bain looks at him and then at the barricade. RATH You're still young. Young enough to still think you're indestructible. Invincible. You believe with utter certainty you can bail out at the last second and survive. The barricade hurtles toward them, rising up, filling the windshield. RATH If you do survive, we'll see each other again. Bain screams, throwing open the door and hurling himself out. Rath jams on the brakes, TIRES SCREAMING, steering into the steel side rail, banking the car into the drums of sand as -- Bain hits the pavement, bouncing like a stone skipped across water. A driver hits his brakes, swerving, just missing him. SAND EXPLODES from the impact and the cab bounces up over the median into the bus-only lanes as the driver's airbag balloons out of the steering wheel. Bain rolls and rolls, finally stopping sprawled out like a piece of roadkill. The cab careens up onto a curb, slamming into a pole, the radiator spitting out a cloud of WHISTLING STEAM. Several cars lock up and collide to avoid Bain; one car stopping inches from him. A woman jumps out, rushing to the front of the car, but Bain is gone. Police CARS ROAR up into the midst of the accident. One of them pulling alongside the demolished cab. The door is open, the airbag popped. Rath is gone. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY A large six flat leans out from a hill in San Francisco. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT - DAY The apartment is always dark; heavy drapes cover the windows. The dining and living rooms look like the control booth of a network television show, stacks of video monitors and consoles, cables, electric wiring, coils of fiber optic cord duct-taped to the floors, walls and ceilings. They snake through holes punched in the plaster walls and hang everywhere like some technological jungle. At the center of this tangled web is ELECTRA, a beautiful athletic looking woman wearing only her underwear and a worn robe. She is curled up in an overstuffed chair, a bowl of popcorn in her lap. On the monitors, she is watching what at first might be mistaken for a soap opera; a young couple are having an argument. What is strange is that the angle never changes; a fish- eye lens staring down into the room. MAN (V.O.) I don't give a shit what your mother thinks. I'm not sleeping with your mother, I'm sleeping with you. WOMAN (V.O.) You won't be for long, with that attitude. MAN (V.O.) Jesus, Jennifer, if you're so god damned worried about your mother's approval, why don't you move back home so she can pat you on the head when you do something right. ELECTRA Jerk. Jennifer is too stunned to say anything. There is a long pause that is not at all like television. It seems very real. She starts to say something, but stops, trying to keep herself from crying. MAN (V.O.) Oh good. Go ahead and cry. JENNIFER (WOMAN) (V.O.) Would you please leave? Electra lifts her head, smelling the air. ELECTRA Mmm, smell that, Nikita? Nikita, Electra's black cat, is stretched lazily across the top of a chair, her tail twitching absently. Every corner of the chair has been clawed open. Electra reaches for the control board and throws a series of switches. The monitors flicker as the image changes. We are now looking down into a kitchen. A stove is beneath us, almost like a cooking show, where a round woman is taking out a tray of chocolate chip cookies. Electra smells them again, smiling as she inhales. ELECTRA I hope she saves some for us. There is a BANG, a DOOR SLAMMING in another apartment, and a MAN YELLING. Electra switches back to Jennifer's apartment. The man is still in the living room, but Jennifer is gone. MAN (V.O.) Do you think slamming doors is going to help work this out? Electra punches a command into a keyboard. Several of the screens change, showing different rooms of the same apartment. Jennifer is in the bedroom, lying on the bed sobbing, her face buried in a pillow. MAN (V.O.) I can slam doors too! We hear the front DOOR SLAM in the hall outside of Electra's apartment and through the monitor speakers. His stomping FOOTSTEPS FADE as he storms down the hall and staircase out of the building. Electra switches all of the screens to Jennifer. She watches and listens to her cry alone in her bedroom. Electra reaches out; her fingers lightly touch the monitor screen. INT. APARTMENT HALL Electra's front door opens slowly. Timidly, she steps out of her apartment and walks down the hall until she is standing in front of Jennifer's door. She starts to knock, but stops herself. She isn't sure she should do this. She paces, then turns to the door. She knocks, so softly it's almost impossible to hear. She stands, trying to force herself to knock again, when she hears Jennifer. JENNIFER (O.S.) Hello? Ken, is that you? Electra panics. The door knob turns, the door opens and JENNIFER looks out into the hall. It is empty. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT On the monitors, Electra watches Jennifer pick up the phone. JENNIFER (V.O.) Hi, Mom, it's me. Ken and I just had a big fight. Electra's PAGER suddenly SOUNDS. She shuts down the screens and pulls out the pager, checking the number. ELECTRA Crap. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT There is a system set up that is not unlike Rath's system; all of the same components, though the equipment is bigger, more powerful and less portable. On a table there is a bank of phones, several cellular. Electra is talking on one. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra, they are not paying you to sit at home and watch television. Electra is fiddling with five plastic computer disks; each has a MicroCell trademark and is labeled "Back-Up." ELECTRA I wasn't watching television. WOMAN (V.O.) The point is, they are paying for information. Real information. Not tooth paste brands. Not whether he wads of folds his toilet paper. And no 16 hours of recorded phone sex. You are wasting everyone's time with this shit. ELECTRA I thought it was interesting -- WOMAN (V.O.) God damnit, Electra. This is not a game. This is business. ELECTRA Right. In my hands I have five back-up disks he made of all of his work last night. WOMAN (V.O.) Jesus! Why didn't you tell me? ELECTRA I'll make my usual arrangements and expect my usual bonus. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra -- ELECTRA A pleasure doing business with you. She hangs up. INT. LOBBY Electra comes down the stairs. Outside the large glass door she sees KEN, Jennifer's boyfriend, leaving. On the lobby floor is a letter, apparently slipped under the door, addressed to Jennifer Morgan. Electra looks out the front door window, making sure that Ken is gone. She picks up the letter and stuffs it into her pocket. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is at his computer system. He is staring at it, like it is a living thing, a person that he despises, the blank screen reflecting his own face. It is an effort to bring himself to touch the keyboard, to type in his code. He waits. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Hello, Robert. Rath wants to type something but hesitates. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know what happened. RATH I bet you fucking know! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN It cost us. Rath jumps out of his chair, screaming at the screen. RATH I give a fuck? I'm done! I quit! Do you fucking hear me! I'm fucking gone! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN He stole another contract. Rath turns from the monitor, pacing. Trying to collect himself. RATH I'm being set up. Fucking set up! He looks at the chess board. He hovers over it, the pattern completely familiar. RATH Is this how it went, Nick? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Robert? Robert? Rath turns back to the screen, speaking as he types. RATH/SCREEN How did he know? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Know what? RATH/SCREEN The fucking contract! How in the fuck did he know. A long beat. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Such language in front of a lady. Rath still talking and typing. RATH/SCREEN I don't know what the fuck you are. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know. It was a joke. Rath stands, no longer typing. RATH A joke? A joke? Rath takes out his gun and levels it at the face of the screen. RATH You think this is a fucking joke? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN $1,000,000. Rath looks at the number. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN That's the bonus on the contract. Rath puts the gun down. RATH/SCREEN Deadline? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Tomorrow. The buyer is Japanese. His retirement a condition of the bonus. The FAX MACHINE COMES TO LIFE, printing an inky image. RATH/SCREEN Who is the mark? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Freelancer. A woman. Surveillance specialist. RATH A player? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN We have an M.O... Her system is protected by her 'pussy virus.' Rath looks at the fax; almost entirely black except for the wide, slit-iris cat eyes. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY There is a SCREECH and BLAST of ENGINES as a 747 touches down, heat rising off the tarmac. INT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY Several passengers walk through the gate into the terminal. Across from the gate, Rath sits in a grungy airport cafeteria, reading a folded paper. He is wearing an airport security uniform, a gun holstered to his side. Taped inside the newspaper is a faxed Interpol photograph of a Japanese man wanted for "industrial espionage." At the gate, five Japanese men emerge. Leading the group is the man in Rath's photo. The other four are obviously muscle. Rath watches as they walk down the crowded terminal hall. When they are almost out of sight, he folds his newspaper and begins to follow. His pace and manner is that of a cautious predator. His focus shifts continually from face to face, expecting to find Bain's. His hand hovers near his gun. Ahead of him a thin young man, wearing a long blue trench coat, stops. Rath cannot see his face. The man starts toward a drinking fountain. Rath catches a glimpse of his face. It could be Bain, but he isn't sure. The young man bends over and slurps at the stream of water. He rises into the barrel of Rath's .22. A mouthful of water coughs from his mouth. It is not Bain and in the next instant, the gun is gone. RATH Sorry. My mistake. Rath continues. They young man is unable to move. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY The five men stride through the automated terminal doors and towards a waiting limousine. Further down, Rath, now wearing a black T-shirt and jeans, exits and hails a cab. INT. CAB RATH Hi. Up ahead my boss is in that black limo. We're not sure which hotel we're at, so could you just follow them? CABBY Sure. Rath sits back studying the faces exiting the terminal as the cab pulls away. INT. LIMOUSINE The five men sit in silence. Strangely, a PHONE begins to RING. The older man, whose name is AKIRA, opens his briefcase, removing a cellular phone. AKIRA Hello? We hear Electra's voice. She speaks in Japanese; he uses English. ELECTRA (V.O.) I trust your flight was comfortable? AKIRA Your Japanese is excellent. ELECTRA (V.O.) Tell the driver: the Hyatt Hotel. INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY Electra is pacing, talking into the cellular phone. ELECTRA I'll call you again in twenty minutes. She punches a button and shoves the antennae down. The hotel room looks like her apartment. There is a computer and a series of monitors stacked on top of the wood laminate desk. Cables whip and wind across the carpeted floor to the central air duct. The panel has been removed and intertwined black and gray coaxial run up inside the duct. Immediately, Electra is busy finishing her preparations. She snaps in several power cords and the system comes on- line. On the monitor screen, we see an empty hotel room that looks exactly like the one she is in. INT. CAB Rath stares out the window, watching the surrounding traffic, the limo still in sight. Something occurs to him and he looks down at the folded newspaper where he had hid the contract file. He flips past several documents before finding what he's looking for; the cat. He pulls the dark fax of Nikita and stares at it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Laying on the bed, in a patch of sunlight, Nikita watches Electra rush about. Electra grabs the sheet from under the comforter and yanks it out. ELECTRA Excuse me, your Highness. Nikita casually walks off the bed. Electra takes the sheet to the open duct and tears off a long piece of duct-tape. EXT. HYATT HOTEL The limousine pulls up in the lavish circular driveway. The cab pulls in behind it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra checks her watch and picks up the cellular phone. INT. HYATT LOBBY The Japanese men stand in a cluster looking very rigid and uncomfortable. The BRIEFCASE RINGS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is pacing again. ELECTRA Room 1414. INT. HYATT LOBBY With several other guests, the Japanese men crowd into an elevator. The doors close. Across the lobby, Rath enters, walking past the elevators. INT. ELEVATOR As the elevator rises, we begin to hear a SOUND, a familiar sound. Cramped in the corner is Bain. He is PLAYING "TETRIS," wearing dark sunglasses and a WALKMAN PUMPING SPEED METAL into his ears. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra continues to pace, checking the monitors. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN At the switchboard, a YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE wearing an operator's headset, takes a late breakfast order, typing the order in the hotel computer. YOUNG MAN (YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE) Yes, sir. That'll be up in about thirty minutes. You're welcome. He turns around and Rath is right behind him. INT. ELEVATOR The fourteenth floor; the BELL CHIMES, the doors slide open and the clump of Japanese men get out. Just as the doors begin to close, Bain steps out. INT. HALL Bain follows them down the hall, still PLAYING the GAME. There is again an ominous sense of predator moving in on its prey. As Akira finds 1414 and opens the door, another door burst open, a large family, heading for the pool. The moment is gone; the Japanese men close the door and Bain continues down the hall again, PLAYING the GAME. INT. HOTEL SUITE When the Japanese men enter the suite, we realize that this is the image on Electra's monitors. Surveillance camcorders and microphones are mounted in various locations to display every inch of the room. The group hesitates for a moment, under the electronic eyes. The four goons have their hands in their jackets. A small LAPTOP COMPUTER sits on the coffee table HUMMING SOFTLY. It is the only noise in the room until a speaker crackles. ELECTRA/SPEAKER (V.O.) Good morning, gentlemen. I apologize for the arrangement, but we all know those aren't business cards you're reaching for. If anyone leaves this room, the deal's off. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN The operator is unconscious, slumped in the corner. Rath studies the hotel computer screen intently, the information rolling by. We see that it is the previous night's room service receipts. RATH One vegetarian plate and a can of tuna fish. Room 1014. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stands in front of the monitors watching the men as she speaks into the microphone. ELECTRA Ten thousand dollars per disk. Insert the first disk now. On the monitor, we see Akira at the coffee table shove the first disk into the laptop disk drive. INT. HOTEL SUITE Akira turns from the small computer screen and nods at a goon, who drops a green brick of bound one hundred dollar bills, down the central air duct. The little clock on the laptop ticks away as it copies. INT. HYATT HALL Bain is sitting on a bench entrenched in a fevered game of "TETRIS." Suddenly, he stops. BAIN Yes! The display of the game reads "Game Over" and congratulates Bain on a new high score. Bain stands, smiling. He puts the game in his pocket and starts down the hall. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is crouched at the open duct, grabbing another stack of money, stuffing it into her bag. A LOUD BANG EXPLODES out of the SPEAKERS and she looks up at the monitor. INT. HOTEL SUITE The lock on the door has been broken and standing in the frame is Bain. BAIN Surprise! He raises his arm, his GUN spitting SILENT BULLETS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stares in horror at the monitors as Bain grabs the nearest bodyguard, FIRING a SHOT into his belly. ELECTRA Oh, God. INT. HOTEL SUITE Another SHOT and the second bodyguard falls. The other two draw their handguns and Bain shields himself with the lifeless body of his first victim. They FIRE at Bain but are unable to hit him. Bain squeezes off TWO MORE SHOTS and the two men fall dead. He lets his human shield fall to the ground and levels his gun on the shaking Akira. AKIRA Don't kill me. Bain looks at him and smiles, then FIRES. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra leaps at the computer, ripping the cord from the modem. Bain sees the fiber optic cable and looks right into it. BAIN (V.O.) Tricky. Boy, you just can't trust anyone these days. He licks the lens, leaving a smear of saliva. She stuffs the disks into her bag. She puts Nikita in her "travel kitty" and charges for the door, grabbing her coat. Flinging it over her shoulder, she does not notice the letter from Ken slip out of her pocket as she bolts from the room. INT. HALL Electra explodes through the door and suddenly freezes. She is staring down the barrel of Rath's .22. RATH Don't be stupid and you will live. The elevator behind Rath opens and closes against a hotel lobby ashtray. He waves her into the elevator with his gun. RATH Hurry. EXT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY Electra's black CAR ROARS out of the garage, onto the open street. INT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY The door swings open. From the hall we can hear the familiar BEEPING of the COMPUTER GAME. The room, 1014, is the same as Electra had left it when she ran out. Jutting from a shadow on the floor is the corner of Ken's letter. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Electra drives, obviously nervous, as Rath watches out the rear window. RATH Turn here. No one follows. He turns back to her. RATH How many bodies were there? He checks his watch. ELECTRA What? RATH He has to clean up. How many bodies were there? ELECTRA Um, five. RATH One hour per man. Rath sets the timer on his watch for five hours. INT. HYATT HOTEL ROOM - DAY Bain has returned to room 1414. Wearing rubber gloves, he clicks open a black leather attache and pulls out a can of rug cleaner. He picks up the phone for room service. BAIN Hi. This is room 1414 -- Behind him, in the bathroom mirror, we see one of the Japanese men hanging from the shower by his feet. He is naked. BAIN Yes, could you send up a pot of coffee and my friends are going to need some more towels. Thanks. He hangs up the phone and walks over to one of the large blood stains on the carpet. He points the rug cleaner at the stain covering it with white foam. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Rath sees the entrance for the expressway. RATH Get on the expressway. ELECTRA Where are we going? Rath glances back. RATH Nowhere yet. Electra turns onto the highway and NIKITA HOWLS from the "travel kitty" in the back seat. ELECTRA Nikita, hush. NIKITA wants out and HOWLS again. ELECTRA She won't stop unless you let her out. Rath reaches back and opens the box. Nikita springs into the front seat onto Rath's lap. RATH Nikita? She helped me find you. ELECTRA What? How did you know I had a cat? RATH Took a guess. Lucky for you, I guessed right. ELECTRA Who the fuck are you? Who do you work for? RATH I work for the government. ELECTRA Yeah? She studies his face, his eyes. ELECTRA Bullshit. RATH Yeah. ELECTRA You're one of them, aren't you? A fucking pro. RATH I'm part of the game, just like you. Electra pounds the steering wheel. ELECTRA Jesus! He reaches into the back seat, grabbing her bag. ELECTRA What do you think you're doing? Rath plucks out the bundles of money. RATH Twenty large? That's all? ELECTRA What do you mean, 'that's all'? What in the hell do you know? RATH The bonus on the contract for you was one million dollars. Electra seems ready to jump out of her skin. The speedometer is floating around 90. RATH Slow down. He pulls out the disks. RATH I figure that means these are worth ten times that, maybe more. ELECTRA Ten million -- RATH Now you understand

sit

How many times the word 'sit' appears in the text?

BAIN What? RATH What restaurant? BAIN Uh, Fontella's RATH So you're from around here? BAIN No. No I'm not. Bain is getting agitated. RATH Where you from? BAIN What is this? RATH Not too good at small talk, eh? BAIN Look, I'm real tired and I'm not interested in fucking chit-chat. RATH I know just what you mean. I'm pretty beat myself. Silence. RATH Since you looked like a waiter, I had to ask what restaurant because of what happened at the Trattoria Roma. Bain looks up. BAIN Why? What happened? RATH Didn't you here all them sirens? It's been all over the radio. Some guy shot Leevio Valli, and a bunch of bystanders, in the Trattoria Roma. BAIN No shit. RATH Yeah, it's terrible. I mean Valli, and I don't care what office he's running for, the guy's a crook. He probably had it coming, but all the other people. Real sad. BAIN Yeah. RATH But they caught the guy. I heard it all. Sounded like he just went berserk, fucking loco. Shooting anybody. Drugs, probably. BAIN Probably. RATH I'd love to sit in that jury. Send that S.O.B. right to the chair. Bain allows himself a bemused smile. BAIN Sizzle lean. The cab passes the intersection for the airport. Bain sits up. BAIN What are you doing? RATH What? BAIN That was Peterson back there. That goes to the expressway for the airport. RATH You're right. Talking too much again. BAIN Yeah well, you just blew your tip, pal. RATH What? You think I'm running you up? BAIN Just do your job. Rath pulls over and slaps the cab in park. BAIN What are you doing? RATH Get out. You think I'm running you up? Get out. BAIN You can't -- RATH The hell I can't. It's my cab. I don't like you. So, get the hell out! Bain can't figure out what is wrong, when he sees the dashboard and the missing ID. Their eyes meet in the rearview mirror. BAIN Holy fucking shit! The cab rocks as both men move. Instantly guns fill their hands. Bain ripping out a .357 lifted from one of the dead cops. Rath rolls to the side whipping the gun free from his jacket. Bain throws open the door, about to run, but stops. He looks at Rath. He wants him to run. Anyone who moves away from the bullet proof glass is dead. Both men are silent, each holding the other in their gun sights. Bain blinks, sweat forming on his lip. BAIN I get out, you got me. Bain reaches over and closes the door. He smiles knowing it is the right move. BAIN Now what? Rath calmly uncocks his gun. RATH We're both going to the airport. Bain nods. RATH Sit back. Put your seatbelt on. BAIN No fucking way. RATH Okay, don't. Bain thinks. RATH If either of us fucks around, the other can blow the fuel line. He points his gun at the floor where the fuel line runs. Bain sits back, aiming his gun, watching Rath. Rath eases back into the driver's seat, also holding his gun on the fuel line. He puts the car into drive and slides back into traffic, turning back towards Peterson. They sit in silence, studying each other, when they hit the expressway. Bain can't contain himself, giddy on adrenaline. BAIN Jesus -- I'm being driven to the airport by Robert Rath. He laughs. BAIN I can't believe this. You rolled some cabby for the radio, then waited for an airport fare. He laughs again. BAIN Boy, that's fucking genius. You're a fucking genius. Then you're just sitting there, bullshitting with me. Man, no way I coulda done that! RATH What's your name? We both know it's not Nicholai. BAIN Holy shit! Robert Rath wants to know my name. He leans back. This is a big moment for him. BAIN Bain. Michael Bain. RATH How long have you been freelance? BAIN Two years. Two long fucking years. Something occurs to him and he leans close to the window. BAIN Hey. What I don't get was why didn't you take the shot inside the restaurant? I mean you had me, a free shot. That's what I would have done. RATH It's just a shoot-out then. Sixty- forty, at best. Not my odds. BAIN Sounds like chickenshit -- He laughs hard. BAIN Listen to me calling you chickenshit! He stops laughing and looks closely at the back of Rath's head. BAIN Is that a wig? Shit, I hate wigs! Wigs are the worst part of this job. I'd rather dye my hair than wear a wig. Rath studies him. RATH You're wearing a wig now. Bain chokes on his laugh. BAIN God damn are you good. Everyone says you're so fucking good. I just can't believe I'm still alive. If I believed in God, I'd be down on my knees. Right now -- Hey, how come you just didn't plug us all when we came through the door? Rath does not answer. Bain smiles. He knows something about Rath now; he doesn't like killing innocent people. BAIN Shit if I was you, back there -- He holds his gun up to the bulletproof glass behind Rath's head. BAIN Game over. He laughs. BAIN Do you mind if I ask you a couple of business questions? You know I was wondering how much you bid this job at? Rath says nothing. BAIN You don't have to tell me that. It's just, I know my bid was low, but was it too low? I mean, did I seem like an amateur, like I didn't know what I was doing? RATH We both know what you were doing. Bain moves close to the glass again, checking out Rath's gun. BAIN Smith and Wesson .22 with an eight inch silencer. Classic. When I first heard you used that, I thought, shit, that's a lady's gun. Now, it's all I use. Clean, real clean. He looks at the gun, still trained at the floor. BAIN Would you really blow us? Rath does not have to answer. BAIN Oh! I got a question. Jesus, this has been driving me crazy for years -- shit, listen to me. I sound like some fucking fanboy. I'm sorry, but I just got to ask you. Everybody talks about how you left the Agency and got into the business and then how you went after the Russian, Nicholai Talinkov -- RATH Tachlinkov. BAIN Yeah, that's it. And he's like a fucking genius. They said he shaded you over and over. And in the end, he aced you again. Shaded and faded. They say he's living on some Greek island, but I say that's fucking bullshit. I say you're the best and that you planted his ass. Am I right? Rath says nothing. BAIN I bet I'm right. The car passes under a sign indicating the ramp for the Cleveland airport. BAIN Robert Bain, driving me! Jesus fucking Christ! RATH After those cops, you'll never be able to come back to Cleveland. BAIN Who the fuck cares about Cleveland. Cleveland blows. What kind of marks have they got here? Greasy mobster, teamster or some hand job politician. I want the money marks. I want the marks that you get. A long beat of silence. The CAB RUMBLES up onto the "departures" ramp which circles past all of the terminals. BAIN So what happens now? RATH We go around once. BAIN Bullshit. He throws off his seatbelt. BAIN You tell me that we're gonna go around once, then, while I'm checking out the lay of the land, you bail out and send me flying over the bridge. Right? Am I right? Rath doesn't answer, studying the terminals, noting the police and airport security. Rath studies the terrain. Bain studies Rath. Soon they have passed the entire airport. Rath nods. Steering the car through traffic in onto a circle interchange that will bring them to the beginning. Bain wipes the sweat from his face. RATH Okay. BAIN What? What's okay? Rath begins to accelerate, rounding the interchange. BAIN What are you doing? RATH There's a sand barricade up ahead; I'm going to ram this cab into it. The cab has an airbag, odds are good I'll survive. But with this steel casing and bullet proof glass, odds for you are not so good. Bain laughs. BAIN Oh man, that's sweet. That's fucking sweet. The speedometer continues to climb. BAIN You're bluffing. Rath says nothing. Ahead, at the ramp to the terminals, is the sand barricade. BAIN You're fucking with me. You want me to jump. I jump, you hit the brakes and bang -- Game over. The cab is flying at its target. BAIN No, no. Wait. You don't want me to jump. You're going to jump. I'm stuck back here until it's too late. Wham -- over! RATH I know you're going to jump. Bain looks at him and then at the barricade. RATH You're still young. Young enough to still think you're indestructible. Invincible. You believe with utter certainty you can bail out at the last second and survive. The barricade hurtles toward them, rising up, filling the windshield. RATH If you do survive, we'll see each other again. Bain screams, throwing open the door and hurling himself out. Rath jams on the brakes, TIRES SCREAMING, steering into the steel side rail, banking the car into the drums of sand as -- Bain hits the pavement, bouncing like a stone skipped across water. A driver hits his brakes, swerving, just missing him. SAND EXPLODES from the impact and the cab bounces up over the median into the bus-only lanes as the driver's airbag balloons out of the steering wheel. Bain rolls and rolls, finally stopping sprawled out like a piece of roadkill. The cab careens up onto a curb, slamming into a pole, the radiator spitting out a cloud of WHISTLING STEAM. Several cars lock up and collide to avoid Bain; one car stopping inches from him. A woman jumps out, rushing to the front of the car, but Bain is gone. Police CARS ROAR up into the midst of the accident. One of them pulling alongside the demolished cab. The door is open, the airbag popped. Rath is gone. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY A large six flat leans out from a hill in San Francisco. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT - DAY The apartment is always dark; heavy drapes cover the windows. The dining and living rooms look like the control booth of a network television show, stacks of video monitors and consoles, cables, electric wiring, coils of fiber optic cord duct-taped to the floors, walls and ceilings. They snake through holes punched in the plaster walls and hang everywhere like some technological jungle. At the center of this tangled web is ELECTRA, a beautiful athletic looking woman wearing only her underwear and a worn robe. She is curled up in an overstuffed chair, a bowl of popcorn in her lap. On the monitors, she is watching what at first might be mistaken for a soap opera; a young couple are having an argument. What is strange is that the angle never changes; a fish- eye lens staring down into the room. MAN (V.O.) I don't give a shit what your mother thinks. I'm not sleeping with your mother, I'm sleeping with you. WOMAN (V.O.) You won't be for long, with that attitude. MAN (V.O.) Jesus, Jennifer, if you're so god damned worried about your mother's approval, why don't you move back home so she can pat you on the head when you do something right. ELECTRA Jerk. Jennifer is too stunned to say anything. There is a long pause that is not at all like television. It seems very real. She starts to say something, but stops, trying to keep herself from crying. MAN (V.O.) Oh good. Go ahead and cry. JENNIFER (WOMAN) (V.O.) Would you please leave? Electra lifts her head, smelling the air. ELECTRA Mmm, smell that, Nikita? Nikita, Electra's black cat, is stretched lazily across the top of a chair, her tail twitching absently. Every corner of the chair has been clawed open. Electra reaches for the control board and throws a series of switches. The monitors flicker as the image changes. We are now looking down into a kitchen. A stove is beneath us, almost like a cooking show, where a round woman is taking out a tray of chocolate chip cookies. Electra smells them again, smiling as she inhales. ELECTRA I hope she saves some for us. There is a BANG, a DOOR SLAMMING in another apartment, and a MAN YELLING. Electra switches back to Jennifer's apartment. The man is still in the living room, but Jennifer is gone. MAN (V.O.) Do you think slamming doors is going to help work this out? Electra punches a command into a keyboard. Several of the screens change, showing different rooms of the same apartment. Jennifer is in the bedroom, lying on the bed sobbing, her face buried in a pillow. MAN (V.O.) I can slam doors too! We hear the front DOOR SLAM in the hall outside of Electra's apartment and through the monitor speakers. His stomping FOOTSTEPS FADE as he storms down the hall and staircase out of the building. Electra switches all of the screens to Jennifer. She watches and listens to her cry alone in her bedroom. Electra reaches out; her fingers lightly touch the monitor screen. INT. APARTMENT HALL Electra's front door opens slowly. Timidly, she steps out of her apartment and walks down the hall until she is standing in front of Jennifer's door. She starts to knock, but stops herself. She isn't sure she should do this. She paces, then turns to the door. She knocks, so softly it's almost impossible to hear. She stands, trying to force herself to knock again, when she hears Jennifer. JENNIFER (O.S.) Hello? Ken, is that you? Electra panics. The door knob turns, the door opens and JENNIFER looks out into the hall. It is empty. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT On the monitors, Electra watches Jennifer pick up the phone. JENNIFER (V.O.) Hi, Mom, it's me. Ken and I just had a big fight. Electra's PAGER suddenly SOUNDS. She shuts down the screens and pulls out the pager, checking the number. ELECTRA Crap. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT There is a system set up that is not unlike Rath's system; all of the same components, though the equipment is bigger, more powerful and less portable. On a table there is a bank of phones, several cellular. Electra is talking on one. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra, they are not paying you to sit at home and watch television. Electra is fiddling with five plastic computer disks; each has a MicroCell trademark and is labeled "Back-Up." ELECTRA I wasn't watching television. WOMAN (V.O.) The point is, they are paying for information. Real information. Not tooth paste brands. Not whether he wads of folds his toilet paper. And no 16 hours of recorded phone sex. You are wasting everyone's time with this shit. ELECTRA I thought it was interesting -- WOMAN (V.O.) God damnit, Electra. This is not a game. This is business. ELECTRA Right. In my hands I have five back-up disks he made of all of his work last night. WOMAN (V.O.) Jesus! Why didn't you tell me? ELECTRA I'll make my usual arrangements and expect my usual bonus. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra -- ELECTRA A pleasure doing business with you. She hangs up. INT. LOBBY Electra comes down the stairs. Outside the large glass door she sees KEN, Jennifer's boyfriend, leaving. On the lobby floor is a letter, apparently slipped under the door, addressed to Jennifer Morgan. Electra looks out the front door window, making sure that Ken is gone. She picks up the letter and stuffs it into her pocket. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is at his computer system. He is staring at it, like it is a living thing, a person that he despises, the blank screen reflecting his own face. It is an effort to bring himself to touch the keyboard, to type in his code. He waits. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Hello, Robert. Rath wants to type something but hesitates. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know what happened. RATH I bet you fucking know! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN It cost us. Rath jumps out of his chair, screaming at the screen. RATH I give a fuck? I'm done! I quit! Do you fucking hear me! I'm fucking gone! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN He stole another contract. Rath turns from the monitor, pacing. Trying to collect himself. RATH I'm being set up. Fucking set up! He looks at the chess board. He hovers over it, the pattern completely familiar. RATH Is this how it went, Nick? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Robert? Robert? Rath turns back to the screen, speaking as he types. RATH/SCREEN How did he know? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Know what? RATH/SCREEN The fucking contract! How in the fuck did he know. A long beat. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Such language in front of a lady. Rath still talking and typing. RATH/SCREEN I don't know what the fuck you are. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know. It was a joke. Rath stands, no longer typing. RATH A joke? A joke? Rath takes out his gun and levels it at the face of the screen. RATH You think this is a fucking joke? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN $1,000,000. Rath looks at the number. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN That's the bonus on the contract. Rath puts the gun down. RATH/SCREEN Deadline? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Tomorrow. The buyer is Japanese. His retirement a condition of the bonus. The FAX MACHINE COMES TO LIFE, printing an inky image. RATH/SCREEN Who is the mark? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Freelancer. A woman. Surveillance specialist. RATH A player? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN We have an M.O... Her system is protected by her 'pussy virus.' Rath looks at the fax; almost entirely black except for the wide, slit-iris cat eyes. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY There is a SCREECH and BLAST of ENGINES as a 747 touches down, heat rising off the tarmac. INT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY Several passengers walk through the gate into the terminal. Across from the gate, Rath sits in a grungy airport cafeteria, reading a folded paper. He is wearing an airport security uniform, a gun holstered to his side. Taped inside the newspaper is a faxed Interpol photograph of a Japanese man wanted for "industrial espionage." At the gate, five Japanese men emerge. Leading the group is the man in Rath's photo. The other four are obviously muscle. Rath watches as they walk down the crowded terminal hall. When they are almost out of sight, he folds his newspaper and begins to follow. His pace and manner is that of a cautious predator. His focus shifts continually from face to face, expecting to find Bain's. His hand hovers near his gun. Ahead of him a thin young man, wearing a long blue trench coat, stops. Rath cannot see his face. The man starts toward a drinking fountain. Rath catches a glimpse of his face. It could be Bain, but he isn't sure. The young man bends over and slurps at the stream of water. He rises into the barrel of Rath's .22. A mouthful of water coughs from his mouth. It is not Bain and in the next instant, the gun is gone. RATH Sorry. My mistake. Rath continues. They young man is unable to move. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY The five men stride through the automated terminal doors and towards a waiting limousine. Further down, Rath, now wearing a black T-shirt and jeans, exits and hails a cab. INT. CAB RATH Hi. Up ahead my boss is in that black limo. We're not sure which hotel we're at, so could you just follow them? CABBY Sure. Rath sits back studying the faces exiting the terminal as the cab pulls away. INT. LIMOUSINE The five men sit in silence. Strangely, a PHONE begins to RING. The older man, whose name is AKIRA, opens his briefcase, removing a cellular phone. AKIRA Hello? We hear Electra's voice. She speaks in Japanese; he uses English. ELECTRA (V.O.) I trust your flight was comfortable? AKIRA Your Japanese is excellent. ELECTRA (V.O.) Tell the driver: the Hyatt Hotel. INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY Electra is pacing, talking into the cellular phone. ELECTRA I'll call you again in twenty minutes. She punches a button and shoves the antennae down. The hotel room looks like her apartment. There is a computer and a series of monitors stacked on top of the wood laminate desk. Cables whip and wind across the carpeted floor to the central air duct. The panel has been removed and intertwined black and gray coaxial run up inside the duct. Immediately, Electra is busy finishing her preparations. She snaps in several power cords and the system comes on- line. On the monitor screen, we see an empty hotel room that looks exactly like the one she is in. INT. CAB Rath stares out the window, watching the surrounding traffic, the limo still in sight. Something occurs to him and he looks down at the folded newspaper where he had hid the contract file. He flips past several documents before finding what he's looking for; the cat. He pulls the dark fax of Nikita and stares at it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Laying on the bed, in a patch of sunlight, Nikita watches Electra rush about. Electra grabs the sheet from under the comforter and yanks it out. ELECTRA Excuse me, your Highness. Nikita casually walks off the bed. Electra takes the sheet to the open duct and tears off a long piece of duct-tape. EXT. HYATT HOTEL The limousine pulls up in the lavish circular driveway. The cab pulls in behind it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra checks her watch and picks up the cellular phone. INT. HYATT LOBBY The Japanese men stand in a cluster looking very rigid and uncomfortable. The BRIEFCASE RINGS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is pacing again. ELECTRA Room 1414. INT. HYATT LOBBY With several other guests, the Japanese men crowd into an elevator. The doors close. Across the lobby, Rath enters, walking past the elevators. INT. ELEVATOR As the elevator rises, we begin to hear a SOUND, a familiar sound. Cramped in the corner is Bain. He is PLAYING "TETRIS," wearing dark sunglasses and a WALKMAN PUMPING SPEED METAL into his ears. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra continues to pace, checking the monitors. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN At the switchboard, a YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE wearing an operator's headset, takes a late breakfast order, typing the order in the hotel computer. YOUNG MAN (YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE) Yes, sir. That'll be up in about thirty minutes. You're welcome. He turns around and Rath is right behind him. INT. ELEVATOR The fourteenth floor; the BELL CHIMES, the doors slide open and the clump of Japanese men get out. Just as the doors begin to close, Bain steps out. INT. HALL Bain follows them down the hall, still PLAYING the GAME. There is again an ominous sense of predator moving in on its prey. As Akira finds 1414 and opens the door, another door burst open, a large family, heading for the pool. The moment is gone; the Japanese men close the door and Bain continues down the hall again, PLAYING the GAME. INT. HOTEL SUITE When the Japanese men enter the suite, we realize that this is the image on Electra's monitors. Surveillance camcorders and microphones are mounted in various locations to display every inch of the room. The group hesitates for a moment, under the electronic eyes. The four goons have their hands in their jackets. A small LAPTOP COMPUTER sits on the coffee table HUMMING SOFTLY. It is the only noise in the room until a speaker crackles. ELECTRA/SPEAKER (V.O.) Good morning, gentlemen. I apologize for the arrangement, but we all know those aren't business cards you're reaching for. If anyone leaves this room, the deal's off. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN The operator is unconscious, slumped in the corner. Rath studies the hotel computer screen intently, the information rolling by. We see that it is the previous night's room service receipts. RATH One vegetarian plate and a can of tuna fish. Room 1014. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stands in front of the monitors watching the men as she speaks into the microphone. ELECTRA Ten thousand dollars per disk. Insert the first disk now. On the monitor, we see Akira at the coffee table shove the first disk into the laptop disk drive. INT. HOTEL SUITE Akira turns from the small computer screen and nods at a goon, who drops a green brick of bound one hundred dollar bills, down the central air duct. The little clock on the laptop ticks away as it copies. INT. HYATT HALL Bain is sitting on a bench entrenched in a fevered game of "TETRIS." Suddenly, he stops. BAIN Yes! The display of the game reads "Game Over" and congratulates Bain on a new high score. Bain stands, smiling. He puts the game in his pocket and starts down the hall. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is crouched at the open duct, grabbing another stack of money, stuffing it into her bag. A LOUD BANG EXPLODES out of the SPEAKERS and she looks up at the monitor. INT. HOTEL SUITE The lock on the door has been broken and standing in the frame is Bain. BAIN Surprise! He raises his arm, his GUN spitting SILENT BULLETS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stares in horror at the monitors as Bain grabs the nearest bodyguard, FIRING a SHOT into his belly. ELECTRA Oh, God. INT. HOTEL SUITE Another SHOT and the second bodyguard falls. The other two draw their handguns and Bain shields himself with the lifeless body of his first victim. They FIRE at Bain but are unable to hit him. Bain squeezes off TWO MORE SHOTS and the two men fall dead. He lets his human shield fall to the ground and levels his gun on the shaking Akira. AKIRA Don't kill me. Bain looks at him and smiles, then FIRES. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra leaps at the computer, ripping the cord from the modem. Bain sees the fiber optic cable and looks right into it. BAIN (V.O.) Tricky. Boy, you just can't trust anyone these days. He licks the lens, leaving a smear of saliva. She stuffs the disks into her bag. She puts Nikita in her "travel kitty" and charges for the door, grabbing her coat. Flinging it over her shoulder, she does not notice the letter from Ken slip out of her pocket as she bolts from the room. INT. HALL Electra explodes through the door and suddenly freezes. She is staring down the barrel of Rath's .22. RATH Don't be stupid and you will live. The elevator behind Rath opens and closes against a hotel lobby ashtray. He waves her into the elevator with his gun. RATH Hurry. EXT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY Electra's black CAR ROARS out of the garage, onto the open street. INT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY The door swings open. From the hall we can hear the familiar BEEPING of the COMPUTER GAME. The room, 1014, is the same as Electra had left it when she ran out. Jutting from a shadow on the floor is the corner of Ken's letter. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Electra drives, obviously nervous, as Rath watches out the rear window. RATH Turn here. No one follows. He turns back to her. RATH How many bodies were there? He checks his watch. ELECTRA What? RATH He has to clean up. How many bodies were there? ELECTRA Um, five. RATH One hour per man. Rath sets the timer on his watch for five hours. INT. HYATT HOTEL ROOM - DAY Bain has returned to room 1414. Wearing rubber gloves, he clicks open a black leather attache and pulls out a can of rug cleaner. He picks up the phone for room service. BAIN Hi. This is room 1414 -- Behind him, in the bathroom mirror, we see one of the Japanese men hanging from the shower by his feet. He is naked. BAIN Yes, could you send up a pot of coffee and my friends are going to need some more towels. Thanks. He hangs up the phone and walks over to one of the large blood stains on the carpet. He points the rug cleaner at the stain covering it with white foam. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Rath sees the entrance for the expressway. RATH Get on the expressway. ELECTRA Where are we going? Rath glances back. RATH Nowhere yet. Electra turns onto the highway and NIKITA HOWLS from the "travel kitty" in the back seat. ELECTRA Nikita, hush. NIKITA wants out and HOWLS again. ELECTRA She won't stop unless you let her out. Rath reaches back and opens the box. Nikita springs into the front seat onto Rath's lap. RATH Nikita? She helped me find you. ELECTRA What? How did you know I had a cat? RATH Took a guess. Lucky for you, I guessed right. ELECTRA Who the fuck are you? Who do you work for? RATH I work for the government. ELECTRA Yeah? She studies his face, his eyes. ELECTRA Bullshit. RATH Yeah. ELECTRA You're one of them, aren't you? A fucking pro. RATH I'm part of the game, just like you. Electra pounds the steering wheel. ELECTRA Jesus! He reaches into the back seat, grabbing her bag. ELECTRA What do you think you're doing? Rath plucks out the bundles of money. RATH Twenty large? That's all? ELECTRA What do you mean, 'that's all'? What in the hell do you know? RATH The bonus on the contract for you was one million dollars. Electra seems ready to jump out of her skin. The speedometer is floating around 90. RATH Slow down. He pulls out the disks. RATH I figure that means these are worth ten times that, maybe more. ELECTRA Ten million -- RATH Now you understand

lower

How many times the word 'lower' appears in the text?

BAIN What? RATH What restaurant? BAIN Uh, Fontella's RATH So you're from around here? BAIN No. No I'm not. Bain is getting agitated. RATH Where you from? BAIN What is this? RATH Not too good at small talk, eh? BAIN Look, I'm real tired and I'm not interested in fucking chit-chat. RATH I know just what you mean. I'm pretty beat myself. Silence. RATH Since you looked like a waiter, I had to ask what restaurant because of what happened at the Trattoria Roma. Bain looks up. BAIN Why? What happened? RATH Didn't you here all them sirens? It's been all over the radio. Some guy shot Leevio Valli, and a bunch of bystanders, in the Trattoria Roma. BAIN No shit. RATH Yeah, it's terrible. I mean Valli, and I don't care what office he's running for, the guy's a crook. He probably had it coming, but all the other people. Real sad. BAIN Yeah. RATH But they caught the guy. I heard it all. Sounded like he just went berserk, fucking loco. Shooting anybody. Drugs, probably. BAIN Probably. RATH I'd love to sit in that jury. Send that S.O.B. right to the chair. Bain allows himself a bemused smile. BAIN Sizzle lean. The cab passes the intersection for the airport. Bain sits up. BAIN What are you doing? RATH What? BAIN That was Peterson back there. That goes to the expressway for the airport. RATH You're right. Talking too much again. BAIN Yeah well, you just blew your tip, pal. RATH What? You think I'm running you up? BAIN Just do your job. Rath pulls over and slaps the cab in park. BAIN What are you doing? RATH Get out. You think I'm running you up? Get out. BAIN You can't -- RATH The hell I can't. It's my cab. I don't like you. So, get the hell out! Bain can't figure out what is wrong, when he sees the dashboard and the missing ID. Their eyes meet in the rearview mirror. BAIN Holy fucking shit! The cab rocks as both men move. Instantly guns fill their hands. Bain ripping out a .357 lifted from one of the dead cops. Rath rolls to the side whipping the gun free from his jacket. Bain throws open the door, about to run, but stops. He looks at Rath. He wants him to run. Anyone who moves away from the bullet proof glass is dead. Both men are silent, each holding the other in their gun sights. Bain blinks, sweat forming on his lip. BAIN I get out, you got me. Bain reaches over and closes the door. He smiles knowing it is the right move. BAIN Now what? Rath calmly uncocks his gun. RATH We're both going to the airport. Bain nods. RATH Sit back. Put your seatbelt on. BAIN No fucking way. RATH Okay, don't. Bain thinks. RATH If either of us fucks around, the other can blow the fuel line. He points his gun at the floor where the fuel line runs. Bain sits back, aiming his gun, watching Rath. Rath eases back into the driver's seat, also holding his gun on the fuel line. He puts the car into drive and slides back into traffic, turning back towards Peterson. They sit in silence, studying each other, when they hit the expressway. Bain can't contain himself, giddy on adrenaline. BAIN Jesus -- I'm being driven to the airport by Robert Rath. He laughs. BAIN I can't believe this. You rolled some cabby for the radio, then waited for an airport fare. He laughs again. BAIN Boy, that's fucking genius. You're a fucking genius. Then you're just sitting there, bullshitting with me. Man, no way I coulda done that! RATH What's your name? We both know it's not Nicholai. BAIN Holy shit! Robert Rath wants to know my name. He leans back. This is a big moment for him. BAIN Bain. Michael Bain. RATH How long have you been freelance? BAIN Two years. Two long fucking years. Something occurs to him and he leans close to the window. BAIN Hey. What I don't get was why didn't you take the shot inside the restaurant? I mean you had me, a free shot. That's what I would have done. RATH It's just a shoot-out then. Sixty- forty, at best. Not my odds. BAIN Sounds like chickenshit -- He laughs hard. BAIN Listen to me calling you chickenshit! He stops laughing and looks closely at the back of Rath's head. BAIN Is that a wig? Shit, I hate wigs! Wigs are the worst part of this job. I'd rather dye my hair than wear a wig. Rath studies him. RATH You're wearing a wig now. Bain chokes on his laugh. BAIN God damn are you good. Everyone says you're so fucking good. I just can't believe I'm still alive. If I believed in God, I'd be down on my knees. Right now -- Hey, how come you just didn't plug us all when we came through the door? Rath does not answer. Bain smiles. He knows something about Rath now; he doesn't like killing innocent people. BAIN Shit if I was you, back there -- He holds his gun up to the bulletproof glass behind Rath's head. BAIN Game over. He laughs. BAIN Do you mind if I ask you a couple of business questions? You know I was wondering how much you bid this job at? Rath says nothing. BAIN You don't have to tell me that. It's just, I know my bid was low, but was it too low? I mean, did I seem like an amateur, like I didn't know what I was doing? RATH We both know what you were doing. Bain moves close to the glass again, checking out Rath's gun. BAIN Smith and Wesson .22 with an eight inch silencer. Classic. When I first heard you used that, I thought, shit, that's a lady's gun. Now, it's all I use. Clean, real clean. He looks at the gun, still trained at the floor. BAIN Would you really blow us? Rath does not have to answer. BAIN Oh! I got a question. Jesus, this has been driving me crazy for years -- shit, listen to me. I sound like some fucking fanboy. I'm sorry, but I just got to ask you. Everybody talks about how you left the Agency and got into the business and then how you went after the Russian, Nicholai Talinkov -- RATH Tachlinkov. BAIN Yeah, that's it. And he's like a fucking genius. They said he shaded you over and over. And in the end, he aced you again. Shaded and faded. They say he's living on some Greek island, but I say that's fucking bullshit. I say you're the best and that you planted his ass. Am I right? Rath says nothing. BAIN I bet I'm right. The car passes under a sign indicating the ramp for the Cleveland airport. BAIN Robert Bain, driving me! Jesus fucking Christ! RATH After those cops, you'll never be able to come back to Cleveland. BAIN Who the fuck cares about Cleveland. Cleveland blows. What kind of marks have they got here? Greasy mobster, teamster or some hand job politician. I want the money marks. I want the marks that you get. A long beat of silence. The CAB RUMBLES up onto the "departures" ramp which circles past all of the terminals. BAIN So what happens now? RATH We go around once. BAIN Bullshit. He throws off his seatbelt. BAIN You tell me that we're gonna go around once, then, while I'm checking out the lay of the land, you bail out and send me flying over the bridge. Right? Am I right? Rath doesn't answer, studying the terminals, noting the police and airport security. Rath studies the terrain. Bain studies Rath. Soon they have passed the entire airport. Rath nods. Steering the car through traffic in onto a circle interchange that will bring them to the beginning. Bain wipes the sweat from his face. RATH Okay. BAIN What? What's okay? Rath begins to accelerate, rounding the interchange. BAIN What are you doing? RATH There's a sand barricade up ahead; I'm going to ram this cab into it. The cab has an airbag, odds are good I'll survive. But with this steel casing and bullet proof glass, odds for you are not so good. Bain laughs. BAIN Oh man, that's sweet. That's fucking sweet. The speedometer continues to climb. BAIN You're bluffing. Rath says nothing. Ahead, at the ramp to the terminals, is the sand barricade. BAIN You're fucking with me. You want me to jump. I jump, you hit the brakes and bang -- Game over. The cab is flying at its target. BAIN No, no. Wait. You don't want me to jump. You're going to jump. I'm stuck back here until it's too late. Wham -- over! RATH I know you're going to jump. Bain looks at him and then at the barricade. RATH You're still young. Young enough to still think you're indestructible. Invincible. You believe with utter certainty you can bail out at the last second and survive. The barricade hurtles toward them, rising up, filling the windshield. RATH If you do survive, we'll see each other again. Bain screams, throwing open the door and hurling himself out. Rath jams on the brakes, TIRES SCREAMING, steering into the steel side rail, banking the car into the drums of sand as -- Bain hits the pavement, bouncing like a stone skipped across water. A driver hits his brakes, swerving, just missing him. SAND EXPLODES from the impact and the cab bounces up over the median into the bus-only lanes as the driver's airbag balloons out of the steering wheel. Bain rolls and rolls, finally stopping sprawled out like a piece of roadkill. The cab careens up onto a curb, slamming into a pole, the radiator spitting out a cloud of WHISTLING STEAM. Several cars lock up and collide to avoid Bain; one car stopping inches from him. A woman jumps out, rushing to the front of the car, but Bain is gone. Police CARS ROAR up into the midst of the accident. One of them pulling alongside the demolished cab. The door is open, the airbag popped. Rath is gone. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY A large six flat leans out from a hill in San Francisco. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT - DAY The apartment is always dark; heavy drapes cover the windows. The dining and living rooms look like the control booth of a network television show, stacks of video monitors and consoles, cables, electric wiring, coils of fiber optic cord duct-taped to the floors, walls and ceilings. They snake through holes punched in the plaster walls and hang everywhere like some technological jungle. At the center of this tangled web is ELECTRA, a beautiful athletic looking woman wearing only her underwear and a worn robe. She is curled up in an overstuffed chair, a bowl of popcorn in her lap. On the monitors, she is watching what at first might be mistaken for a soap opera; a young couple are having an argument. What is strange is that the angle never changes; a fish- eye lens staring down into the room. MAN (V.O.) I don't give a shit what your mother thinks. I'm not sleeping with your mother, I'm sleeping with you. WOMAN (V.O.) You won't be for long, with that attitude. MAN (V.O.) Jesus, Jennifer, if you're so god damned worried about your mother's approval, why don't you move back home so she can pat you on the head when you do something right. ELECTRA Jerk. Jennifer is too stunned to say anything. There is a long pause that is not at all like television. It seems very real. She starts to say something, but stops, trying to keep herself from crying. MAN (V.O.) Oh good. Go ahead and cry. JENNIFER (WOMAN) (V.O.) Would you please leave? Electra lifts her head, smelling the air. ELECTRA Mmm, smell that, Nikita? Nikita, Electra's black cat, is stretched lazily across the top of a chair, her tail twitching absently. Every corner of the chair has been clawed open. Electra reaches for the control board and throws a series of switches. The monitors flicker as the image changes. We are now looking down into a kitchen. A stove is beneath us, almost like a cooking show, where a round woman is taking out a tray of chocolate chip cookies. Electra smells them again, smiling as she inhales. ELECTRA I hope she saves some for us. There is a BANG, a DOOR SLAMMING in another apartment, and a MAN YELLING. Electra switches back to Jennifer's apartment. The man is still in the living room, but Jennifer is gone. MAN (V.O.) Do you think slamming doors is going to help work this out? Electra punches a command into a keyboard. Several of the screens change, showing different rooms of the same apartment. Jennifer is in the bedroom, lying on the bed sobbing, her face buried in a pillow. MAN (V.O.) I can slam doors too! We hear the front DOOR SLAM in the hall outside of Electra's apartment and through the monitor speakers. His stomping FOOTSTEPS FADE as he storms down the hall and staircase out of the building. Electra switches all of the screens to Jennifer. She watches and listens to her cry alone in her bedroom. Electra reaches out; her fingers lightly touch the monitor screen. INT. APARTMENT HALL Electra's front door opens slowly. Timidly, she steps out of her apartment and walks down the hall until she is standing in front of Jennifer's door. She starts to knock, but stops herself. She isn't sure she should do this. She paces, then turns to the door. She knocks, so softly it's almost impossible to hear. She stands, trying to force herself to knock again, when she hears Jennifer. JENNIFER (O.S.) Hello? Ken, is that you? Electra panics. The door knob turns, the door opens and JENNIFER looks out into the hall. It is empty. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT On the monitors, Electra watches Jennifer pick up the phone. JENNIFER (V.O.) Hi, Mom, it's me. Ken and I just had a big fight. Electra's PAGER suddenly SOUNDS. She shuts down the screens and pulls out the pager, checking the number. ELECTRA Crap. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT There is a system set up that is not unlike Rath's system; all of the same components, though the equipment is bigger, more powerful and less portable. On a table there is a bank of phones, several cellular. Electra is talking on one. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra, they are not paying you to sit at home and watch television. Electra is fiddling with five plastic computer disks; each has a MicroCell trademark and is labeled "Back-Up." ELECTRA I wasn't watching television. WOMAN (V.O.) The point is, they are paying for information. Real information. Not tooth paste brands. Not whether he wads of folds his toilet paper. And no 16 hours of recorded phone sex. You are wasting everyone's time with this shit. ELECTRA I thought it was interesting -- WOMAN (V.O.) God damnit, Electra. This is not a game. This is business. ELECTRA Right. In my hands I have five back-up disks he made of all of his work last night. WOMAN (V.O.) Jesus! Why didn't you tell me? ELECTRA I'll make my usual arrangements and expect my usual bonus. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra -- ELECTRA A pleasure doing business with you. She hangs up. INT. LOBBY Electra comes down the stairs. Outside the large glass door she sees KEN, Jennifer's boyfriend, leaving. On the lobby floor is a letter, apparently slipped under the door, addressed to Jennifer Morgan. Electra looks out the front door window, making sure that Ken is gone. She picks up the letter and stuffs it into her pocket. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is at his computer system. He is staring at it, like it is a living thing, a person that he despises, the blank screen reflecting his own face. It is an effort to bring himself to touch the keyboard, to type in his code. He waits. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Hello, Robert. Rath wants to type something but hesitates. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know what happened. RATH I bet you fucking know! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN It cost us. Rath jumps out of his chair, screaming at the screen. RATH I give a fuck? I'm done! I quit! Do you fucking hear me! I'm fucking gone! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN He stole another contract. Rath turns from the monitor, pacing. Trying to collect himself. RATH I'm being set up. Fucking set up! He looks at the chess board. He hovers over it, the pattern completely familiar. RATH Is this how it went, Nick? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Robert? Robert? Rath turns back to the screen, speaking as he types. RATH/SCREEN How did he know? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Know what? RATH/SCREEN The fucking contract! How in the fuck did he know. A long beat. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Such language in front of a lady. Rath still talking and typing. RATH/SCREEN I don't know what the fuck you are. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know. It was a joke. Rath stands, no longer typing. RATH A joke? A joke? Rath takes out his gun and levels it at the face of the screen. RATH You think this is a fucking joke? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN $1,000,000. Rath looks at the number. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN That's the bonus on the contract. Rath puts the gun down. RATH/SCREEN Deadline? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Tomorrow. The buyer is Japanese. His retirement a condition of the bonus. The FAX MACHINE COMES TO LIFE, printing an inky image. RATH/SCREEN Who is the mark? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Freelancer. A woman. Surveillance specialist. RATH A player? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN We have an M.O... Her system is protected by her 'pussy virus.' Rath looks at the fax; almost entirely black except for the wide, slit-iris cat eyes. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY There is a SCREECH and BLAST of ENGINES as a 747 touches down, heat rising off the tarmac. INT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY Several passengers walk through the gate into the terminal. Across from the gate, Rath sits in a grungy airport cafeteria, reading a folded paper. He is wearing an airport security uniform, a gun holstered to his side. Taped inside the newspaper is a faxed Interpol photograph of a Japanese man wanted for "industrial espionage." At the gate, five Japanese men emerge. Leading the group is the man in Rath's photo. The other four are obviously muscle. Rath watches as they walk down the crowded terminal hall. When they are almost out of sight, he folds his newspaper and begins to follow. His pace and manner is that of a cautious predator. His focus shifts continually from face to face, expecting to find Bain's. His hand hovers near his gun. Ahead of him a thin young man, wearing a long blue trench coat, stops. Rath cannot see his face. The man starts toward a drinking fountain. Rath catches a glimpse of his face. It could be Bain, but he isn't sure. The young man bends over and slurps at the stream of water. He rises into the barrel of Rath's .22. A mouthful of water coughs from his mouth. It is not Bain and in the next instant, the gun is gone. RATH Sorry. My mistake. Rath continues. They young man is unable to move. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY The five men stride through the automated terminal doors and towards a waiting limousine. Further down, Rath, now wearing a black T-shirt and jeans, exits and hails a cab. INT. CAB RATH Hi. Up ahead my boss is in that black limo. We're not sure which hotel we're at, so could you just follow them? CABBY Sure. Rath sits back studying the faces exiting the terminal as the cab pulls away. INT. LIMOUSINE The five men sit in silence. Strangely, a PHONE begins to RING. The older man, whose name is AKIRA, opens his briefcase, removing a cellular phone. AKIRA Hello? We hear Electra's voice. She speaks in Japanese; he uses English. ELECTRA (V.O.) I trust your flight was comfortable? AKIRA Your Japanese is excellent. ELECTRA (V.O.) Tell the driver: the Hyatt Hotel. INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY Electra is pacing, talking into the cellular phone. ELECTRA I'll call you again in twenty minutes. She punches a button and shoves the antennae down. The hotel room looks like her apartment. There is a computer and a series of monitors stacked on top of the wood laminate desk. Cables whip and wind across the carpeted floor to the central air duct. The panel has been removed and intertwined black and gray coaxial run up inside the duct. Immediately, Electra is busy finishing her preparations. She snaps in several power cords and the system comes on- line. On the monitor screen, we see an empty hotel room that looks exactly like the one she is in. INT. CAB Rath stares out the window, watching the surrounding traffic, the limo still in sight. Something occurs to him and he looks down at the folded newspaper where he had hid the contract file. He flips past several documents before finding what he's looking for; the cat. He pulls the dark fax of Nikita and stares at it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Laying on the bed, in a patch of sunlight, Nikita watches Electra rush about. Electra grabs the sheet from under the comforter and yanks it out. ELECTRA Excuse me, your Highness. Nikita casually walks off the bed. Electra takes the sheet to the open duct and tears off a long piece of duct-tape. EXT. HYATT HOTEL The limousine pulls up in the lavish circular driveway. The cab pulls in behind it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra checks her watch and picks up the cellular phone. INT. HYATT LOBBY The Japanese men stand in a cluster looking very rigid and uncomfortable. The BRIEFCASE RINGS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is pacing again. ELECTRA Room 1414. INT. HYATT LOBBY With several other guests, the Japanese men crowd into an elevator. The doors close. Across the lobby, Rath enters, walking past the elevators. INT. ELEVATOR As the elevator rises, we begin to hear a SOUND, a familiar sound. Cramped in the corner is Bain. He is PLAYING "TETRIS," wearing dark sunglasses and a WALKMAN PUMPING SPEED METAL into his ears. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra continues to pace, checking the monitors. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN At the switchboard, a YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE wearing an operator's headset, takes a late breakfast order, typing the order in the hotel computer. YOUNG MAN (YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE) Yes, sir. That'll be up in about thirty minutes. You're welcome. He turns around and Rath is right behind him. INT. ELEVATOR The fourteenth floor; the BELL CHIMES, the doors slide open and the clump of Japanese men get out. Just as the doors begin to close, Bain steps out. INT. HALL Bain follows them down the hall, still PLAYING the GAME. There is again an ominous sense of predator moving in on its prey. As Akira finds 1414 and opens the door, another door burst open, a large family, heading for the pool. The moment is gone; the Japanese men close the door and Bain continues down the hall again, PLAYING the GAME. INT. HOTEL SUITE When the Japanese men enter the suite, we realize that this is the image on Electra's monitors. Surveillance camcorders and microphones are mounted in various locations to display every inch of the room. The group hesitates for a moment, under the electronic eyes. The four goons have their hands in their jackets. A small LAPTOP COMPUTER sits on the coffee table HUMMING SOFTLY. It is the only noise in the room until a speaker crackles. ELECTRA/SPEAKER (V.O.) Good morning, gentlemen. I apologize for the arrangement, but we all know those aren't business cards you're reaching for. If anyone leaves this room, the deal's off. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN The operator is unconscious, slumped in the corner. Rath studies the hotel computer screen intently, the information rolling by. We see that it is the previous night's room service receipts. RATH One vegetarian plate and a can of tuna fish. Room 1014. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stands in front of the monitors watching the men as she speaks into the microphone. ELECTRA Ten thousand dollars per disk. Insert the first disk now. On the monitor, we see Akira at the coffee table shove the first disk into the laptop disk drive. INT. HOTEL SUITE Akira turns from the small computer screen and nods at a goon, who drops a green brick of bound one hundred dollar bills, down the central air duct. The little clock on the laptop ticks away as it copies. INT. HYATT HALL Bain is sitting on a bench entrenched in a fevered game of "TETRIS." Suddenly, he stops. BAIN Yes! The display of the game reads "Game Over" and congratulates Bain on a new high score. Bain stands, smiling. He puts the game in his pocket and starts down the hall. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is crouched at the open duct, grabbing another stack of money, stuffing it into her bag. A LOUD BANG EXPLODES out of the SPEAKERS and she looks up at the monitor. INT. HOTEL SUITE The lock on the door has been broken and standing in the frame is Bain. BAIN Surprise! He raises his arm, his GUN spitting SILENT BULLETS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stares in horror at the monitors as Bain grabs the nearest bodyguard, FIRING a SHOT into his belly. ELECTRA Oh, God. INT. HOTEL SUITE Another SHOT and the second bodyguard falls. The other two draw their handguns and Bain shields himself with the lifeless body of his first victim. They FIRE at Bain but are unable to hit him. Bain squeezes off TWO MORE SHOTS and the two men fall dead. He lets his human shield fall to the ground and levels his gun on the shaking Akira. AKIRA Don't kill me. Bain looks at him and smiles, then FIRES. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra leaps at the computer, ripping the cord from the modem. Bain sees the fiber optic cable and looks right into it. BAIN (V.O.) Tricky. Boy, you just can't trust anyone these days. He licks the lens, leaving a smear of saliva. She stuffs the disks into her bag. She puts Nikita in her "travel kitty" and charges for the door, grabbing her coat. Flinging it over her shoulder, she does not notice the letter from Ken slip out of her pocket as she bolts from the room. INT. HALL Electra explodes through the door and suddenly freezes. She is staring down the barrel of Rath's .22. RATH Don't be stupid and you will live. The elevator behind Rath opens and closes against a hotel lobby ashtray. He waves her into the elevator with his gun. RATH Hurry. EXT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY Electra's black CAR ROARS out of the garage, onto the open street. INT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY The door swings open. From the hall we can hear the familiar BEEPING of the COMPUTER GAME. The room, 1014, is the same as Electra had left it when she ran out. Jutting from a shadow on the floor is the corner of Ken's letter. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Electra drives, obviously nervous, as Rath watches out the rear window. RATH Turn here. No one follows. He turns back to her. RATH How many bodies were there? He checks his watch. ELECTRA What? RATH He has to clean up. How many bodies were there? ELECTRA Um, five. RATH One hour per man. Rath sets the timer on his watch for five hours. INT. HYATT HOTEL ROOM - DAY Bain has returned to room 1414. Wearing rubber gloves, he clicks open a black leather attache and pulls out a can of rug cleaner. He picks up the phone for room service. BAIN Hi. This is room 1414 -- Behind him, in the bathroom mirror, we see one of the Japanese men hanging from the shower by his feet. He is naked. BAIN Yes, could you send up a pot of coffee and my friends are going to need some more towels. Thanks. He hangs up the phone and walks over to one of the large blood stains on the carpet. He points the rug cleaner at the stain covering it with white foam. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Rath sees the entrance for the expressway. RATH Get on the expressway. ELECTRA Where are we going? Rath glances back. RATH Nowhere yet. Electra turns onto the highway and NIKITA HOWLS from the "travel kitty" in the back seat. ELECTRA Nikita, hush. NIKITA wants out and HOWLS again. ELECTRA She won't stop unless you let her out. Rath reaches back and opens the box. Nikita springs into the front seat onto Rath's lap. RATH Nikita? She helped me find you. ELECTRA What? How did you know I had a cat? RATH Took a guess. Lucky for you, I guessed right. ELECTRA Who the fuck are you? Who do you work for? RATH I work for the government. ELECTRA Yeah? She studies his face, his eyes. ELECTRA Bullshit. RATH Yeah. ELECTRA You're one of them, aren't you? A fucking pro. RATH I'm part of the game, just like you. Electra pounds the steering wheel. ELECTRA Jesus! He reaches into the back seat, grabbing her bag. ELECTRA What do you think you're doing? Rath plucks out the bundles of money. RATH Twenty large? That's all? ELECTRA What do you mean, 'that's all'? What in the hell do you know? RATH The bonus on the contract for you was one million dollars. Electra seems ready to jump out of her skin. The speedometer is floating around 90. RATH Slow down. He pulls out the disks. RATH I figure that means these are worth ten times that, maybe more. ELECTRA Ten million -- RATH Now you understand

rolls

How many times the word 'rolls' appears in the text?

BAIN What? RATH What restaurant? BAIN Uh, Fontella's RATH So you're from around here? BAIN No. No I'm not. Bain is getting agitated. RATH Where you from? BAIN What is this? RATH Not too good at small talk, eh? BAIN Look, I'm real tired and I'm not interested in fucking chit-chat. RATH I know just what you mean. I'm pretty beat myself. Silence. RATH Since you looked like a waiter, I had to ask what restaurant because of what happened at the Trattoria Roma. Bain looks up. BAIN Why? What happened? RATH Didn't you here all them sirens? It's been all over the radio. Some guy shot Leevio Valli, and a bunch of bystanders, in the Trattoria Roma. BAIN No shit. RATH Yeah, it's terrible. I mean Valli, and I don't care what office he's running for, the guy's a crook. He probably had it coming, but all the other people. Real sad. BAIN Yeah. RATH But they caught the guy. I heard it all. Sounded like he just went berserk, fucking loco. Shooting anybody. Drugs, probably. BAIN Probably. RATH I'd love to sit in that jury. Send that S.O.B. right to the chair. Bain allows himself a bemused smile. BAIN Sizzle lean. The cab passes the intersection for the airport. Bain sits up. BAIN What are you doing? RATH What? BAIN That was Peterson back there. That goes to the expressway for the airport. RATH You're right. Talking too much again. BAIN Yeah well, you just blew your tip, pal. RATH What? You think I'm running you up? BAIN Just do your job. Rath pulls over and slaps the cab in park. BAIN What are you doing? RATH Get out. You think I'm running you up? Get out. BAIN You can't -- RATH The hell I can't. It's my cab. I don't like you. So, get the hell out! Bain can't figure out what is wrong, when he sees the dashboard and the missing ID. Their eyes meet in the rearview mirror. BAIN Holy fucking shit! The cab rocks as both men move. Instantly guns fill their hands. Bain ripping out a .357 lifted from one of the dead cops. Rath rolls to the side whipping the gun free from his jacket. Bain throws open the door, about to run, but stops. He looks at Rath. He wants him to run. Anyone who moves away from the bullet proof glass is dead. Both men are silent, each holding the other in their gun sights. Bain blinks, sweat forming on his lip. BAIN I get out, you got me. Bain reaches over and closes the door. He smiles knowing it is the right move. BAIN Now what? Rath calmly uncocks his gun. RATH We're both going to the airport. Bain nods. RATH Sit back. Put your seatbelt on. BAIN No fucking way. RATH Okay, don't. Bain thinks. RATH If either of us fucks around, the other can blow the fuel line. He points his gun at the floor where the fuel line runs. Bain sits back, aiming his gun, watching Rath. Rath eases back into the driver's seat, also holding his gun on the fuel line. He puts the car into drive and slides back into traffic, turning back towards Peterson. They sit in silence, studying each other, when they hit the expressway. Bain can't contain himself, giddy on adrenaline. BAIN Jesus -- I'm being driven to the airport by Robert Rath. He laughs. BAIN I can't believe this. You rolled some cabby for the radio, then waited for an airport fare. He laughs again. BAIN Boy, that's fucking genius. You're a fucking genius. Then you're just sitting there, bullshitting with me. Man, no way I coulda done that! RATH What's your name? We both know it's not Nicholai. BAIN Holy shit! Robert Rath wants to know my name. He leans back. This is a big moment for him. BAIN Bain. Michael Bain. RATH How long have you been freelance? BAIN Two years. Two long fucking years. Something occurs to him and he leans close to the window. BAIN Hey. What I don't get was why didn't you take the shot inside the restaurant? I mean you had me, a free shot. That's what I would have done. RATH It's just a shoot-out then. Sixty- forty, at best. Not my odds. BAIN Sounds like chickenshit -- He laughs hard. BAIN Listen to me calling you chickenshit! He stops laughing and looks closely at the back of Rath's head. BAIN Is that a wig? Shit, I hate wigs! Wigs are the worst part of this job. I'd rather dye my hair than wear a wig. Rath studies him. RATH You're wearing a wig now. Bain chokes on his laugh. BAIN God damn are you good. Everyone says you're so fucking good. I just can't believe I'm still alive. If I believed in God, I'd be down on my knees. Right now -- Hey, how come you just didn't plug us all when we came through the door? Rath does not answer. Bain smiles. He knows something about Rath now; he doesn't like killing innocent people. BAIN Shit if I was you, back there -- He holds his gun up to the bulletproof glass behind Rath's head. BAIN Game over. He laughs. BAIN Do you mind if I ask you a couple of business questions? You know I was wondering how much you bid this job at? Rath says nothing. BAIN You don't have to tell me that. It's just, I know my bid was low, but was it too low? I mean, did I seem like an amateur, like I didn't know what I was doing? RATH We both know what you were doing. Bain moves close to the glass again, checking out Rath's gun. BAIN Smith and Wesson .22 with an eight inch silencer. Classic. When I first heard you used that, I thought, shit, that's a lady's gun. Now, it's all I use. Clean, real clean. He looks at the gun, still trained at the floor. BAIN Would you really blow us? Rath does not have to answer. BAIN Oh! I got a question. Jesus, this has been driving me crazy for years -- shit, listen to me. I sound like some fucking fanboy. I'm sorry, but I just got to ask you. Everybody talks about how you left the Agency and got into the business and then how you went after the Russian, Nicholai Talinkov -- RATH Tachlinkov. BAIN Yeah, that's it. And he's like a fucking genius. They said he shaded you over and over. And in the end, he aced you again. Shaded and faded. They say he's living on some Greek island, but I say that's fucking bullshit. I say you're the best and that you planted his ass. Am I right? Rath says nothing. BAIN I bet I'm right. The car passes under a sign indicating the ramp for the Cleveland airport. BAIN Robert Bain, driving me! Jesus fucking Christ! RATH After those cops, you'll never be able to come back to Cleveland. BAIN Who the fuck cares about Cleveland. Cleveland blows. What kind of marks have they got here? Greasy mobster, teamster or some hand job politician. I want the money marks. I want the marks that you get. A long beat of silence. The CAB RUMBLES up onto the "departures" ramp which circles past all of the terminals. BAIN So what happens now? RATH We go around once. BAIN Bullshit. He throws off his seatbelt. BAIN You tell me that we're gonna go around once, then, while I'm checking out the lay of the land, you bail out and send me flying over the bridge. Right? Am I right? Rath doesn't answer, studying the terminals, noting the police and airport security. Rath studies the terrain. Bain studies Rath. Soon they have passed the entire airport. Rath nods. Steering the car through traffic in onto a circle interchange that will bring them to the beginning. Bain wipes the sweat from his face. RATH Okay. BAIN What? What's okay? Rath begins to accelerate, rounding the interchange. BAIN What are you doing? RATH There's a sand barricade up ahead; I'm going to ram this cab into it. The cab has an airbag, odds are good I'll survive. But with this steel casing and bullet proof glass, odds for you are not so good. Bain laughs. BAIN Oh man, that's sweet. That's fucking sweet. The speedometer continues to climb. BAIN You're bluffing. Rath says nothing. Ahead, at the ramp to the terminals, is the sand barricade. BAIN You're fucking with me. You want me to jump. I jump, you hit the brakes and bang -- Game over. The cab is flying at its target. BAIN No, no. Wait. You don't want me to jump. You're going to jump. I'm stuck back here until it's too late. Wham -- over! RATH I know you're going to jump. Bain looks at him and then at the barricade. RATH You're still young. Young enough to still think you're indestructible. Invincible. You believe with utter certainty you can bail out at the last second and survive. The barricade hurtles toward them, rising up, filling the windshield. RATH If you do survive, we'll see each other again. Bain screams, throwing open the door and hurling himself out. Rath jams on the brakes, TIRES SCREAMING, steering into the steel side rail, banking the car into the drums of sand as -- Bain hits the pavement, bouncing like a stone skipped across water. A driver hits his brakes, swerving, just missing him. SAND EXPLODES from the impact and the cab bounces up over the median into the bus-only lanes as the driver's airbag balloons out of the steering wheel. Bain rolls and rolls, finally stopping sprawled out like a piece of roadkill. The cab careens up onto a curb, slamming into a pole, the radiator spitting out a cloud of WHISTLING STEAM. Several cars lock up and collide to avoid Bain; one car stopping inches from him. A woman jumps out, rushing to the front of the car, but Bain is gone. Police CARS ROAR up into the midst of the accident. One of them pulling alongside the demolished cab. The door is open, the airbag popped. Rath is gone. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY A large six flat leans out from a hill in San Francisco. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT - DAY The apartment is always dark; heavy drapes cover the windows. The dining and living rooms look like the control booth of a network television show, stacks of video monitors and consoles, cables, electric wiring, coils of fiber optic cord duct-taped to the floors, walls and ceilings. They snake through holes punched in the plaster walls and hang everywhere like some technological jungle. At the center of this tangled web is ELECTRA, a beautiful athletic looking woman wearing only her underwear and a worn robe. She is curled up in an overstuffed chair, a bowl of popcorn in her lap. On the monitors, she is watching what at first might be mistaken for a soap opera; a young couple are having an argument. What is strange is that the angle never changes; a fish- eye lens staring down into the room. MAN (V.O.) I don't give a shit what your mother thinks. I'm not sleeping with your mother, I'm sleeping with you. WOMAN (V.O.) You won't be for long, with that attitude. MAN (V.O.) Jesus, Jennifer, if you're so god damned worried about your mother's approval, why don't you move back home so she can pat you on the head when you do something right. ELECTRA Jerk. Jennifer is too stunned to say anything. There is a long pause that is not at all like television. It seems very real. She starts to say something, but stops, trying to keep herself from crying. MAN (V.O.) Oh good. Go ahead and cry. JENNIFER (WOMAN) (V.O.) Would you please leave? Electra lifts her head, smelling the air. ELECTRA Mmm, smell that, Nikita? Nikita, Electra's black cat, is stretched lazily across the top of a chair, her tail twitching absently. Every corner of the chair has been clawed open. Electra reaches for the control board and throws a series of switches. The monitors flicker as the image changes. We are now looking down into a kitchen. A stove is beneath us, almost like a cooking show, where a round woman is taking out a tray of chocolate chip cookies. Electra smells them again, smiling as she inhales. ELECTRA I hope she saves some for us. There is a BANG, a DOOR SLAMMING in another apartment, and a MAN YELLING. Electra switches back to Jennifer's apartment. The man is still in the living room, but Jennifer is gone. MAN (V.O.) Do you think slamming doors is going to help work this out? Electra punches a command into a keyboard. Several of the screens change, showing different rooms of the same apartment. Jennifer is in the bedroom, lying on the bed sobbing, her face buried in a pillow. MAN (V.O.) I can slam doors too! We hear the front DOOR SLAM in the hall outside of Electra's apartment and through the monitor speakers. His stomping FOOTSTEPS FADE as he storms down the hall and staircase out of the building. Electra switches all of the screens to Jennifer. She watches and listens to her cry alone in her bedroom. Electra reaches out; her fingers lightly touch the monitor screen. INT. APARTMENT HALL Electra's front door opens slowly. Timidly, she steps out of her apartment and walks down the hall until she is standing in front of Jennifer's door. She starts to knock, but stops herself. She isn't sure she should do this. She paces, then turns to the door. She knocks, so softly it's almost impossible to hear. She stands, trying to force herself to knock again, when she hears Jennifer. JENNIFER (O.S.) Hello? Ken, is that you? Electra panics. The door knob turns, the door opens and JENNIFER looks out into the hall. It is empty. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT On the monitors, Electra watches Jennifer pick up the phone. JENNIFER (V.O.) Hi, Mom, it's me. Ken and I just had a big fight. Electra's PAGER suddenly SOUNDS. She shuts down the screens and pulls out the pager, checking the number. ELECTRA Crap. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT There is a system set up that is not unlike Rath's system; all of the same components, though the equipment is bigger, more powerful and less portable. On a table there is a bank of phones, several cellular. Electra is talking on one. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra, they are not paying you to sit at home and watch television. Electra is fiddling with five plastic computer disks; each has a MicroCell trademark and is labeled "Back-Up." ELECTRA I wasn't watching television. WOMAN (V.O.) The point is, they are paying for information. Real information. Not tooth paste brands. Not whether he wads of folds his toilet paper. And no 16 hours of recorded phone sex. You are wasting everyone's time with this shit. ELECTRA I thought it was interesting -- WOMAN (V.O.) God damnit, Electra. This is not a game. This is business. ELECTRA Right. In my hands I have five back-up disks he made of all of his work last night. WOMAN (V.O.) Jesus! Why didn't you tell me? ELECTRA I'll make my usual arrangements and expect my usual bonus. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra -- ELECTRA A pleasure doing business with you. She hangs up. INT. LOBBY Electra comes down the stairs. Outside the large glass door she sees KEN, Jennifer's boyfriend, leaving. On the lobby floor is a letter, apparently slipped under the door, addressed to Jennifer Morgan. Electra looks out the front door window, making sure that Ken is gone. She picks up the letter and stuffs it into her pocket. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is at his computer system. He is staring at it, like it is a living thing, a person that he despises, the blank screen reflecting his own face. It is an effort to bring himself to touch the keyboard, to type in his code. He waits. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Hello, Robert. Rath wants to type something but hesitates. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know what happened. RATH I bet you fucking know! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN It cost us. Rath jumps out of his chair, screaming at the screen. RATH I give a fuck? I'm done! I quit! Do you fucking hear me! I'm fucking gone! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN He stole another contract. Rath turns from the monitor, pacing. Trying to collect himself. RATH I'm being set up. Fucking set up! He looks at the chess board. He hovers over it, the pattern completely familiar. RATH Is this how it went, Nick? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Robert? Robert? Rath turns back to the screen, speaking as he types. RATH/SCREEN How did he know? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Know what? RATH/SCREEN The fucking contract! How in the fuck did he know. A long beat. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Such language in front of a lady. Rath still talking and typing. RATH/SCREEN I don't know what the fuck you are. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know. It was a joke. Rath stands, no longer typing. RATH A joke? A joke? Rath takes out his gun and levels it at the face of the screen. RATH You think this is a fucking joke? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN $1,000,000. Rath looks at the number. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN That's the bonus on the contract. Rath puts the gun down. RATH/SCREEN Deadline? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Tomorrow. The buyer is Japanese. His retirement a condition of the bonus. The FAX MACHINE COMES TO LIFE, printing an inky image. RATH/SCREEN Who is the mark? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Freelancer. A woman. Surveillance specialist. RATH A player? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN We have an M.O... Her system is protected by her 'pussy virus.' Rath looks at the fax; almost entirely black except for the wide, slit-iris cat eyes. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY There is a SCREECH and BLAST of ENGINES as a 747 touches down, heat rising off the tarmac. INT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY Several passengers walk through the gate into the terminal. Across from the gate, Rath sits in a grungy airport cafeteria, reading a folded paper. He is wearing an airport security uniform, a gun holstered to his side. Taped inside the newspaper is a faxed Interpol photograph of a Japanese man wanted for "industrial espionage." At the gate, five Japanese men emerge. Leading the group is the man in Rath's photo. The other four are obviously muscle. Rath watches as they walk down the crowded terminal hall. When they are almost out of sight, he folds his newspaper and begins to follow. His pace and manner is that of a cautious predator. His focus shifts continually from face to face, expecting to find Bain's. His hand hovers near his gun. Ahead of him a thin young man, wearing a long blue trench coat, stops. Rath cannot see his face. The man starts toward a drinking fountain. Rath catches a glimpse of his face. It could be Bain, but he isn't sure. The young man bends over and slurps at the stream of water. He rises into the barrel of Rath's .22. A mouthful of water coughs from his mouth. It is not Bain and in the next instant, the gun is gone. RATH Sorry. My mistake. Rath continues. They young man is unable to move. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY The five men stride through the automated terminal doors and towards a waiting limousine. Further down, Rath, now wearing a black T-shirt and jeans, exits and hails a cab. INT. CAB RATH Hi. Up ahead my boss is in that black limo. We're not sure which hotel we're at, so could you just follow them? CABBY Sure. Rath sits back studying the faces exiting the terminal as the cab pulls away. INT. LIMOUSINE The five men sit in silence. Strangely, a PHONE begins to RING. The older man, whose name is AKIRA, opens his briefcase, removing a cellular phone. AKIRA Hello? We hear Electra's voice. She speaks in Japanese; he uses English. ELECTRA (V.O.) I trust your flight was comfortable? AKIRA Your Japanese is excellent. ELECTRA (V.O.) Tell the driver: the Hyatt Hotel. INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY Electra is pacing, talking into the cellular phone. ELECTRA I'll call you again in twenty minutes. She punches a button and shoves the antennae down. The hotel room looks like her apartment. There is a computer and a series of monitors stacked on top of the wood laminate desk. Cables whip and wind across the carpeted floor to the central air duct. The panel has been removed and intertwined black and gray coaxial run up inside the duct. Immediately, Electra is busy finishing her preparations. She snaps in several power cords and the system comes on- line. On the monitor screen, we see an empty hotel room that looks exactly like the one she is in. INT. CAB Rath stares out the window, watching the surrounding traffic, the limo still in sight. Something occurs to him and he looks down at the folded newspaper where he had hid the contract file. He flips past several documents before finding what he's looking for; the cat. He pulls the dark fax of Nikita and stares at it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Laying on the bed, in a patch of sunlight, Nikita watches Electra rush about. Electra grabs the sheet from under the comforter and yanks it out. ELECTRA Excuse me, your Highness. Nikita casually walks off the bed. Electra takes the sheet to the open duct and tears off a long piece of duct-tape. EXT. HYATT HOTEL The limousine pulls up in the lavish circular driveway. The cab pulls in behind it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra checks her watch and picks up the cellular phone. INT. HYATT LOBBY The Japanese men stand in a cluster looking very rigid and uncomfortable. The BRIEFCASE RINGS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is pacing again. ELECTRA Room 1414. INT. HYATT LOBBY With several other guests, the Japanese men crowd into an elevator. The doors close. Across the lobby, Rath enters, walking past the elevators. INT. ELEVATOR As the elevator rises, we begin to hear a SOUND, a familiar sound. Cramped in the corner is Bain. He is PLAYING "TETRIS," wearing dark sunglasses and a WALKMAN PUMPING SPEED METAL into his ears. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra continues to pace, checking the monitors. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN At the switchboard, a YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE wearing an operator's headset, takes a late breakfast order, typing the order in the hotel computer. YOUNG MAN (YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE) Yes, sir. That'll be up in about thirty minutes. You're welcome. He turns around and Rath is right behind him. INT. ELEVATOR The fourteenth floor; the BELL CHIMES, the doors slide open and the clump of Japanese men get out. Just as the doors begin to close, Bain steps out. INT. HALL Bain follows them down the hall, still PLAYING the GAME. There is again an ominous sense of predator moving in on its prey. As Akira finds 1414 and opens the door, another door burst open, a large family, heading for the pool. The moment is gone; the Japanese men close the door and Bain continues down the hall again, PLAYING the GAME. INT. HOTEL SUITE When the Japanese men enter the suite, we realize that this is the image on Electra's monitors. Surveillance camcorders and microphones are mounted in various locations to display every inch of the room. The group hesitates for a moment, under the electronic eyes. The four goons have their hands in their jackets. A small LAPTOP COMPUTER sits on the coffee table HUMMING SOFTLY. It is the only noise in the room until a speaker crackles. ELECTRA/SPEAKER (V.O.) Good morning, gentlemen. I apologize for the arrangement, but we all know those aren't business cards you're reaching for. If anyone leaves this room, the deal's off. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN The operator is unconscious, slumped in the corner. Rath studies the hotel computer screen intently, the information rolling by. We see that it is the previous night's room service receipts. RATH One vegetarian plate and a can of tuna fish. Room 1014. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stands in front of the monitors watching the men as she speaks into the microphone. ELECTRA Ten thousand dollars per disk. Insert the first disk now. On the monitor, we see Akira at the coffee table shove the first disk into the laptop disk drive. INT. HOTEL SUITE Akira turns from the small computer screen and nods at a goon, who drops a green brick of bound one hundred dollar bills, down the central air duct. The little clock on the laptop ticks away as it copies. INT. HYATT HALL Bain is sitting on a bench entrenched in a fevered game of "TETRIS." Suddenly, he stops. BAIN Yes! The display of the game reads "Game Over" and congratulates Bain on a new high score. Bain stands, smiling. He puts the game in his pocket and starts down the hall. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is crouched at the open duct, grabbing another stack of money, stuffing it into her bag. A LOUD BANG EXPLODES out of the SPEAKERS and she looks up at the monitor. INT. HOTEL SUITE The lock on the door has been broken and standing in the frame is Bain. BAIN Surprise! He raises his arm, his GUN spitting SILENT BULLETS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stares in horror at the monitors as Bain grabs the nearest bodyguard, FIRING a SHOT into his belly. ELECTRA Oh, God. INT. HOTEL SUITE Another SHOT and the second bodyguard falls. The other two draw their handguns and Bain shields himself with the lifeless body of his first victim. They FIRE at Bain but are unable to hit him. Bain squeezes off TWO MORE SHOTS and the two men fall dead. He lets his human shield fall to the ground and levels his gun on the shaking Akira. AKIRA Don't kill me. Bain looks at him and smiles, then FIRES. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra leaps at the computer, ripping the cord from the modem. Bain sees the fiber optic cable and looks right into it. BAIN (V.O.) Tricky. Boy, you just can't trust anyone these days. He licks the lens, leaving a smear of saliva. She stuffs the disks into her bag. She puts Nikita in her "travel kitty" and charges for the door, grabbing her coat. Flinging it over her shoulder, she does not notice the letter from Ken slip out of her pocket as she bolts from the room. INT. HALL Electra explodes through the door and suddenly freezes. She is staring down the barrel of Rath's .22. RATH Don't be stupid and you will live. The elevator behind Rath opens and closes against a hotel lobby ashtray. He waves her into the elevator with his gun. RATH Hurry. EXT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY Electra's black CAR ROARS out of the garage, onto the open street. INT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY The door swings open. From the hall we can hear the familiar BEEPING of the COMPUTER GAME. The room, 1014, is the same as Electra had left it when she ran out. Jutting from a shadow on the floor is the corner of Ken's letter. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Electra drives, obviously nervous, as Rath watches out the rear window. RATH Turn here. No one follows. He turns back to her. RATH How many bodies were there? He checks his watch. ELECTRA What? RATH He has to clean up. How many bodies were there? ELECTRA Um, five. RATH One hour per man. Rath sets the timer on his watch for five hours. INT. HYATT HOTEL ROOM - DAY Bain has returned to room 1414. Wearing rubber gloves, he clicks open a black leather attache and pulls out a can of rug cleaner. He picks up the phone for room service. BAIN Hi. This is room 1414 -- Behind him, in the bathroom mirror, we see one of the Japanese men hanging from the shower by his feet. He is naked. BAIN Yes, could you send up a pot of coffee and my friends are going to need some more towels. Thanks. He hangs up the phone and walks over to one of the large blood stains on the carpet. He points the rug cleaner at the stain covering it with white foam. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Rath sees the entrance for the expressway. RATH Get on the expressway. ELECTRA Where are we going? Rath glances back. RATH Nowhere yet. Electra turns onto the highway and NIKITA HOWLS from the "travel kitty" in the back seat. ELECTRA Nikita, hush. NIKITA wants out and HOWLS again. ELECTRA She won't stop unless you let her out. Rath reaches back and opens the box. Nikita springs into the front seat onto Rath's lap. RATH Nikita? She helped me find you. ELECTRA What? How did you know I had a cat? RATH Took a guess. Lucky for you, I guessed right. ELECTRA Who the fuck are you? Who do you work for? RATH I work for the government. ELECTRA Yeah? She studies his face, his eyes. ELECTRA Bullshit. RATH Yeah. ELECTRA You're one of them, aren't you? A fucking pro. RATH I'm part of the game, just like you. Electra pounds the steering wheel. ELECTRA Jesus! He reaches into the back seat, grabbing her bag. ELECTRA What do you think you're doing? Rath plucks out the bundles of money. RATH Twenty large? That's all? ELECTRA What do you mean, 'that's all'? What in the hell do you know? RATH The bonus on the contract for you was one million dollars. Electra seems ready to jump out of her skin. The speedometer is floating around 90. RATH Slow down. He pulls out the disks. RATH I figure that means these are worth ten times that, maybe more. ELECTRA Ten million -- RATH Now you understand

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How many times the word 'line' appears in the text?

BAIN What? RATH What restaurant? BAIN Uh, Fontella's RATH So you're from around here? BAIN No. No I'm not. Bain is getting agitated. RATH Where you from? BAIN What is this? RATH Not too good at small talk, eh? BAIN Look, I'm real tired and I'm not interested in fucking chit-chat. RATH I know just what you mean. I'm pretty beat myself. Silence. RATH Since you looked like a waiter, I had to ask what restaurant because of what happened at the Trattoria Roma. Bain looks up. BAIN Why? What happened? RATH Didn't you here all them sirens? It's been all over the radio. Some guy shot Leevio Valli, and a bunch of bystanders, in the Trattoria Roma. BAIN No shit. RATH Yeah, it's terrible. I mean Valli, and I don't care what office he's running for, the guy's a crook. He probably had it coming, but all the other people. Real sad. BAIN Yeah. RATH But they caught the guy. I heard it all. Sounded like he just went berserk, fucking loco. Shooting anybody. Drugs, probably. BAIN Probably. RATH I'd love to sit in that jury. Send that S.O.B. right to the chair. Bain allows himself a bemused smile. BAIN Sizzle lean. The cab passes the intersection for the airport. Bain sits up. BAIN What are you doing? RATH What? BAIN That was Peterson back there. That goes to the expressway for the airport. RATH You're right. Talking too much again. BAIN Yeah well, you just blew your tip, pal. RATH What? You think I'm running you up? BAIN Just do your job. Rath pulls over and slaps the cab in park. BAIN What are you doing? RATH Get out. You think I'm running you up? Get out. BAIN You can't -- RATH The hell I can't. It's my cab. I don't like you. So, get the hell out! Bain can't figure out what is wrong, when he sees the dashboard and the missing ID. Their eyes meet in the rearview mirror. BAIN Holy fucking shit! The cab rocks as both men move. Instantly guns fill their hands. Bain ripping out a .357 lifted from one of the dead cops. Rath rolls to the side whipping the gun free from his jacket. Bain throws open the door, about to run, but stops. He looks at Rath. He wants him to run. Anyone who moves away from the bullet proof glass is dead. Both men are silent, each holding the other in their gun sights. Bain blinks, sweat forming on his lip. BAIN I get out, you got me. Bain reaches over and closes the door. He smiles knowing it is the right move. BAIN Now what? Rath calmly uncocks his gun. RATH We're both going to the airport. Bain nods. RATH Sit back. Put your seatbelt on. BAIN No fucking way. RATH Okay, don't. Bain thinks. RATH If either of us fucks around, the other can blow the fuel line. He points his gun at the floor where the fuel line runs. Bain sits back, aiming his gun, watching Rath. Rath eases back into the driver's seat, also holding his gun on the fuel line. He puts the car into drive and slides back into traffic, turning back towards Peterson. They sit in silence, studying each other, when they hit the expressway. Bain can't contain himself, giddy on adrenaline. BAIN Jesus -- I'm being driven to the airport by Robert Rath. He laughs. BAIN I can't believe this. You rolled some cabby for the radio, then waited for an airport fare. He laughs again. BAIN Boy, that's fucking genius. You're a fucking genius. Then you're just sitting there, bullshitting with me. Man, no way I coulda done that! RATH What's your name? We both know it's not Nicholai. BAIN Holy shit! Robert Rath wants to know my name. He leans back. This is a big moment for him. BAIN Bain. Michael Bain. RATH How long have you been freelance? BAIN Two years. Two long fucking years. Something occurs to him and he leans close to the window. BAIN Hey. What I don't get was why didn't you take the shot inside the restaurant? I mean you had me, a free shot. That's what I would have done. RATH It's just a shoot-out then. Sixty- forty, at best. Not my odds. BAIN Sounds like chickenshit -- He laughs hard. BAIN Listen to me calling you chickenshit! He stops laughing and looks closely at the back of Rath's head. BAIN Is that a wig? Shit, I hate wigs! Wigs are the worst part of this job. I'd rather dye my hair than wear a wig. Rath studies him. RATH You're wearing a wig now. Bain chokes on his laugh. BAIN God damn are you good. Everyone says you're so fucking good. I just can't believe I'm still alive. If I believed in God, I'd be down on my knees. Right now -- Hey, how come you just didn't plug us all when we came through the door? Rath does not answer. Bain smiles. He knows something about Rath now; he doesn't like killing innocent people. BAIN Shit if I was you, back there -- He holds his gun up to the bulletproof glass behind Rath's head. BAIN Game over. He laughs. BAIN Do you mind if I ask you a couple of business questions? You know I was wondering how much you bid this job at? Rath says nothing. BAIN You don't have to tell me that. It's just, I know my bid was low, but was it too low? I mean, did I seem like an amateur, like I didn't know what I was doing? RATH We both know what you were doing. Bain moves close to the glass again, checking out Rath's gun. BAIN Smith and Wesson .22 with an eight inch silencer. Classic. When I first heard you used that, I thought, shit, that's a lady's gun. Now, it's all I use. Clean, real clean. He looks at the gun, still trained at the floor. BAIN Would you really blow us? Rath does not have to answer. BAIN Oh! I got a question. Jesus, this has been driving me crazy for years -- shit, listen to me. I sound like some fucking fanboy. I'm sorry, but I just got to ask you. Everybody talks about how you left the Agency and got into the business and then how you went after the Russian, Nicholai Talinkov -- RATH Tachlinkov. BAIN Yeah, that's it. And he's like a fucking genius. They said he shaded you over and over. And in the end, he aced you again. Shaded and faded. They say he's living on some Greek island, but I say that's fucking bullshit. I say you're the best and that you planted his ass. Am I right? Rath says nothing. BAIN I bet I'm right. The car passes under a sign indicating the ramp for the Cleveland airport. BAIN Robert Bain, driving me! Jesus fucking Christ! RATH After those cops, you'll never be able to come back to Cleveland. BAIN Who the fuck cares about Cleveland. Cleveland blows. What kind of marks have they got here? Greasy mobster, teamster or some hand job politician. I want the money marks. I want the marks that you get. A long beat of silence. The CAB RUMBLES up onto the "departures" ramp which circles past all of the terminals. BAIN So what happens now? RATH We go around once. BAIN Bullshit. He throws off his seatbelt. BAIN You tell me that we're gonna go around once, then, while I'm checking out the lay of the land, you bail out and send me flying over the bridge. Right? Am I right? Rath doesn't answer, studying the terminals, noting the police and airport security. Rath studies the terrain. Bain studies Rath. Soon they have passed the entire airport. Rath nods. Steering the car through traffic in onto a circle interchange that will bring them to the beginning. Bain wipes the sweat from his face. RATH Okay. BAIN What? What's okay? Rath begins to accelerate, rounding the interchange. BAIN What are you doing? RATH There's a sand barricade up ahead; I'm going to ram this cab into it. The cab has an airbag, odds are good I'll survive. But with this steel casing and bullet proof glass, odds for you are not so good. Bain laughs. BAIN Oh man, that's sweet. That's fucking sweet. The speedometer continues to climb. BAIN You're bluffing. Rath says nothing. Ahead, at the ramp to the terminals, is the sand barricade. BAIN You're fucking with me. You want me to jump. I jump, you hit the brakes and bang -- Game over. The cab is flying at its target. BAIN No, no. Wait. You don't want me to jump. You're going to jump. I'm stuck back here until it's too late. Wham -- over! RATH I know you're going to jump. Bain looks at him and then at the barricade. RATH You're still young. Young enough to still think you're indestructible. Invincible. You believe with utter certainty you can bail out at the last second and survive. The barricade hurtles toward them, rising up, filling the windshield. RATH If you do survive, we'll see each other again. Bain screams, throwing open the door and hurling himself out. Rath jams on the brakes, TIRES SCREAMING, steering into the steel side rail, banking the car into the drums of sand as -- Bain hits the pavement, bouncing like a stone skipped across water. A driver hits his brakes, swerving, just missing him. SAND EXPLODES from the impact and the cab bounces up over the median into the bus-only lanes as the driver's airbag balloons out of the steering wheel. Bain rolls and rolls, finally stopping sprawled out like a piece of roadkill. The cab careens up onto a curb, slamming into a pole, the radiator spitting out a cloud of WHISTLING STEAM. Several cars lock up and collide to avoid Bain; one car stopping inches from him. A woman jumps out, rushing to the front of the car, but Bain is gone. Police CARS ROAR up into the midst of the accident. One of them pulling alongside the demolished cab. The door is open, the airbag popped. Rath is gone. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY A large six flat leans out from a hill in San Francisco. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT - DAY The apartment is always dark; heavy drapes cover the windows. The dining and living rooms look like the control booth of a network television show, stacks of video monitors and consoles, cables, electric wiring, coils of fiber optic cord duct-taped to the floors, walls and ceilings. They snake through holes punched in the plaster walls and hang everywhere like some technological jungle. At the center of this tangled web is ELECTRA, a beautiful athletic looking woman wearing only her underwear and a worn robe. She is curled up in an overstuffed chair, a bowl of popcorn in her lap. On the monitors, she is watching what at first might be mistaken for a soap opera; a young couple are having an argument. What is strange is that the angle never changes; a fish- eye lens staring down into the room. MAN (V.O.) I don't give a shit what your mother thinks. I'm not sleeping with your mother, I'm sleeping with you. WOMAN (V.O.) You won't be for long, with that attitude. MAN (V.O.) Jesus, Jennifer, if you're so god damned worried about your mother's approval, why don't you move back home so she can pat you on the head when you do something right. ELECTRA Jerk. Jennifer is too stunned to say anything. There is a long pause that is not at all like television. It seems very real. She starts to say something, but stops, trying to keep herself from crying. MAN (V.O.) Oh good. Go ahead and cry. JENNIFER (WOMAN) (V.O.) Would you please leave? Electra lifts her head, smelling the air. ELECTRA Mmm, smell that, Nikita? Nikita, Electra's black cat, is stretched lazily across the top of a chair, her tail twitching absently. Every corner of the chair has been clawed open. Electra reaches for the control board and throws a series of switches. The monitors flicker as the image changes. We are now looking down into a kitchen. A stove is beneath us, almost like a cooking show, where a round woman is taking out a tray of chocolate chip cookies. Electra smells them again, smiling as she inhales. ELECTRA I hope she saves some for us. There is a BANG, a DOOR SLAMMING in another apartment, and a MAN YELLING. Electra switches back to Jennifer's apartment. The man is still in the living room, but Jennifer is gone. MAN (V.O.) Do you think slamming doors is going to help work this out? Electra punches a command into a keyboard. Several of the screens change, showing different rooms of the same apartment. Jennifer is in the bedroom, lying on the bed sobbing, her face buried in a pillow. MAN (V.O.) I can slam doors too! We hear the front DOOR SLAM in the hall outside of Electra's apartment and through the monitor speakers. His stomping FOOTSTEPS FADE as he storms down the hall and staircase out of the building. Electra switches all of the screens to Jennifer. She watches and listens to her cry alone in her bedroom. Electra reaches out; her fingers lightly touch the monitor screen. INT. APARTMENT HALL Electra's front door opens slowly. Timidly, she steps out of her apartment and walks down the hall until she is standing in front of Jennifer's door. She starts to knock, but stops herself. She isn't sure she should do this. She paces, then turns to the door. She knocks, so softly it's almost impossible to hear. She stands, trying to force herself to knock again, when she hears Jennifer. JENNIFER (O.S.) Hello? Ken, is that you? Electra panics. The door knob turns, the door opens and JENNIFER looks out into the hall. It is empty. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT On the monitors, Electra watches Jennifer pick up the phone. JENNIFER (V.O.) Hi, Mom, it's me. Ken and I just had a big fight. Electra's PAGER suddenly SOUNDS. She shuts down the screens and pulls out the pager, checking the number. ELECTRA Crap. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT There is a system set up that is not unlike Rath's system; all of the same components, though the equipment is bigger, more powerful and less portable. On a table there is a bank of phones, several cellular. Electra is talking on one. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra, they are not paying you to sit at home and watch television. Electra is fiddling with five plastic computer disks; each has a MicroCell trademark and is labeled "Back-Up." ELECTRA I wasn't watching television. WOMAN (V.O.) The point is, they are paying for information. Real information. Not tooth paste brands. Not whether he wads of folds his toilet paper. And no 16 hours of recorded phone sex. You are wasting everyone's time with this shit. ELECTRA I thought it was interesting -- WOMAN (V.O.) God damnit, Electra. This is not a game. This is business. ELECTRA Right. In my hands I have five back-up disks he made of all of his work last night. WOMAN (V.O.) Jesus! Why didn't you tell me? ELECTRA I'll make my usual arrangements and expect my usual bonus. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra -- ELECTRA A pleasure doing business with you. She hangs up. INT. LOBBY Electra comes down the stairs. Outside the large glass door she sees KEN, Jennifer's boyfriend, leaving. On the lobby floor is a letter, apparently slipped under the door, addressed to Jennifer Morgan. Electra looks out the front door window, making sure that Ken is gone. She picks up the letter and stuffs it into her pocket. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is at his computer system. He is staring at it, like it is a living thing, a person that he despises, the blank screen reflecting his own face. It is an effort to bring himself to touch the keyboard, to type in his code. He waits. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Hello, Robert. Rath wants to type something but hesitates. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know what happened. RATH I bet you fucking know! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN It cost us. Rath jumps out of his chair, screaming at the screen. RATH I give a fuck? I'm done! I quit! Do you fucking hear me! I'm fucking gone! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN He stole another contract. Rath turns from the monitor, pacing. Trying to collect himself. RATH I'm being set up. Fucking set up! He looks at the chess board. He hovers over it, the pattern completely familiar. RATH Is this how it went, Nick? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Robert? Robert? Rath turns back to the screen, speaking as he types. RATH/SCREEN How did he know? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Know what? RATH/SCREEN The fucking contract! How in the fuck did he know. A long beat. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Such language in front of a lady. Rath still talking and typing. RATH/SCREEN I don't know what the fuck you are. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know. It was a joke. Rath stands, no longer typing. RATH A joke? A joke? Rath takes out his gun and levels it at the face of the screen. RATH You think this is a fucking joke? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN $1,000,000. Rath looks at the number. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN That's the bonus on the contract. Rath puts the gun down. RATH/SCREEN Deadline? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Tomorrow. The buyer is Japanese. His retirement a condition of the bonus. The FAX MACHINE COMES TO LIFE, printing an inky image. RATH/SCREEN Who is the mark? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Freelancer. A woman. Surveillance specialist. RATH A player? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN We have an M.O... Her system is protected by her 'pussy virus.' Rath looks at the fax; almost entirely black except for the wide, slit-iris cat eyes. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY There is a SCREECH and BLAST of ENGINES as a 747 touches down, heat rising off the tarmac. INT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY Several passengers walk through the gate into the terminal. Across from the gate, Rath sits in a grungy airport cafeteria, reading a folded paper. He is wearing an airport security uniform, a gun holstered to his side. Taped inside the newspaper is a faxed Interpol photograph of a Japanese man wanted for "industrial espionage." At the gate, five Japanese men emerge. Leading the group is the man in Rath's photo. The other four are obviously muscle. Rath watches as they walk down the crowded terminal hall. When they are almost out of sight, he folds his newspaper and begins to follow. His pace and manner is that of a cautious predator. His focus shifts continually from face to face, expecting to find Bain's. His hand hovers near his gun. Ahead of him a thin young man, wearing a long blue trench coat, stops. Rath cannot see his face. The man starts toward a drinking fountain. Rath catches a glimpse of his face. It could be Bain, but he isn't sure. The young man bends over and slurps at the stream of water. He rises into the barrel of Rath's .22. A mouthful of water coughs from his mouth. It is not Bain and in the next instant, the gun is gone. RATH Sorry. My mistake. Rath continues. They young man is unable to move. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY The five men stride through the automated terminal doors and towards a waiting limousine. Further down, Rath, now wearing a black T-shirt and jeans, exits and hails a cab. INT. CAB RATH Hi. Up ahead my boss is in that black limo. We're not sure which hotel we're at, so could you just follow them? CABBY Sure. Rath sits back studying the faces exiting the terminal as the cab pulls away. INT. LIMOUSINE The five men sit in silence. Strangely, a PHONE begins to RING. The older man, whose name is AKIRA, opens his briefcase, removing a cellular phone. AKIRA Hello? We hear Electra's voice. She speaks in Japanese; he uses English. ELECTRA (V.O.) I trust your flight was comfortable? AKIRA Your Japanese is excellent. ELECTRA (V.O.) Tell the driver: the Hyatt Hotel. INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY Electra is pacing, talking into the cellular phone. ELECTRA I'll call you again in twenty minutes. She punches a button and shoves the antennae down. The hotel room looks like her apartment. There is a computer and a series of monitors stacked on top of the wood laminate desk. Cables whip and wind across the carpeted floor to the central air duct. The panel has been removed and intertwined black and gray coaxial run up inside the duct. Immediately, Electra is busy finishing her preparations. She snaps in several power cords and the system comes on- line. On the monitor screen, we see an empty hotel room that looks exactly like the one she is in. INT. CAB Rath stares out the window, watching the surrounding traffic, the limo still in sight. Something occurs to him and he looks down at the folded newspaper where he had hid the contract file. He flips past several documents before finding what he's looking for; the cat. He pulls the dark fax of Nikita and stares at it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Laying on the bed, in a patch of sunlight, Nikita watches Electra rush about. Electra grabs the sheet from under the comforter and yanks it out. ELECTRA Excuse me, your Highness. Nikita casually walks off the bed. Electra takes the sheet to the open duct and tears off a long piece of duct-tape. EXT. HYATT HOTEL The limousine pulls up in the lavish circular driveway. The cab pulls in behind it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra checks her watch and picks up the cellular phone. INT. HYATT LOBBY The Japanese men stand in a cluster looking very rigid and uncomfortable. The BRIEFCASE RINGS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is pacing again. ELECTRA Room 1414. INT. HYATT LOBBY With several other guests, the Japanese men crowd into an elevator. The doors close. Across the lobby, Rath enters, walking past the elevators. INT. ELEVATOR As the elevator rises, we begin to hear a SOUND, a familiar sound. Cramped in the corner is Bain. He is PLAYING "TETRIS," wearing dark sunglasses and a WALKMAN PUMPING SPEED METAL into his ears. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra continues to pace, checking the monitors. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN At the switchboard, a YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE wearing an operator's headset, takes a late breakfast order, typing the order in the hotel computer. YOUNG MAN (YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE) Yes, sir. That'll be up in about thirty minutes. You're welcome. He turns around and Rath is right behind him. INT. ELEVATOR The fourteenth floor; the BELL CHIMES, the doors slide open and the clump of Japanese men get out. Just as the doors begin to close, Bain steps out. INT. HALL Bain follows them down the hall, still PLAYING the GAME. There is again an ominous sense of predator moving in on its prey. As Akira finds 1414 and opens the door, another door burst open, a large family, heading for the pool. The moment is gone; the Japanese men close the door and Bain continues down the hall again, PLAYING the GAME. INT. HOTEL SUITE When the Japanese men enter the suite, we realize that this is the image on Electra's monitors. Surveillance camcorders and microphones are mounted in various locations to display every inch of the room. The group hesitates for a moment, under the electronic eyes. The four goons have their hands in their jackets. A small LAPTOP COMPUTER sits on the coffee table HUMMING SOFTLY. It is the only noise in the room until a speaker crackles. ELECTRA/SPEAKER (V.O.) Good morning, gentlemen. I apologize for the arrangement, but we all know those aren't business cards you're reaching for. If anyone leaves this room, the deal's off. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN The operator is unconscious, slumped in the corner. Rath studies the hotel computer screen intently, the information rolling by. We see that it is the previous night's room service receipts. RATH One vegetarian plate and a can of tuna fish. Room 1014. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stands in front of the monitors watching the men as she speaks into the microphone. ELECTRA Ten thousand dollars per disk. Insert the first disk now. On the monitor, we see Akira at the coffee table shove the first disk into the laptop disk drive. INT. HOTEL SUITE Akira turns from the small computer screen and nods at a goon, who drops a green brick of bound one hundred dollar bills, down the central air duct. The little clock on the laptop ticks away as it copies. INT. HYATT HALL Bain is sitting on a bench entrenched in a fevered game of "TETRIS." Suddenly, he stops. BAIN Yes! The display of the game reads "Game Over" and congratulates Bain on a new high score. Bain stands, smiling. He puts the game in his pocket and starts down the hall. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is crouched at the open duct, grabbing another stack of money, stuffing it into her bag. A LOUD BANG EXPLODES out of the SPEAKERS and she looks up at the monitor. INT. HOTEL SUITE The lock on the door has been broken and standing in the frame is Bain. BAIN Surprise! He raises his arm, his GUN spitting SILENT BULLETS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stares in horror at the monitors as Bain grabs the nearest bodyguard, FIRING a SHOT into his belly. ELECTRA Oh, God. INT. HOTEL SUITE Another SHOT and the second bodyguard falls. The other two draw their handguns and Bain shields himself with the lifeless body of his first victim. They FIRE at Bain but are unable to hit him. Bain squeezes off TWO MORE SHOTS and the two men fall dead. He lets his human shield fall to the ground and levels his gun on the shaking Akira. AKIRA Don't kill me. Bain looks at him and smiles, then FIRES. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra leaps at the computer, ripping the cord from the modem. Bain sees the fiber optic cable and looks right into it. BAIN (V.O.) Tricky. Boy, you just can't trust anyone these days. He licks the lens, leaving a smear of saliva. She stuffs the disks into her bag. She puts Nikita in her "travel kitty" and charges for the door, grabbing her coat. Flinging it over her shoulder, she does not notice the letter from Ken slip out of her pocket as she bolts from the room. INT. HALL Electra explodes through the door and suddenly freezes. She is staring down the barrel of Rath's .22. RATH Don't be stupid and you will live. The elevator behind Rath opens and closes against a hotel lobby ashtray. He waves her into the elevator with his gun. RATH Hurry. EXT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY Electra's black CAR ROARS out of the garage, onto the open street. INT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY The door swings open. From the hall we can hear the familiar BEEPING of the COMPUTER GAME. The room, 1014, is the same as Electra had left it when she ran out. Jutting from a shadow on the floor is the corner of Ken's letter. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Electra drives, obviously nervous, as Rath watches out the rear window. RATH Turn here. No one follows. He turns back to her. RATH How many bodies were there? He checks his watch. ELECTRA What? RATH He has to clean up. How many bodies were there? ELECTRA Um, five. RATH One hour per man. Rath sets the timer on his watch for five hours. INT. HYATT HOTEL ROOM - DAY Bain has returned to room 1414. Wearing rubber gloves, he clicks open a black leather attache and pulls out a can of rug cleaner. He picks up the phone for room service. BAIN Hi. This is room 1414 -- Behind him, in the bathroom mirror, we see one of the Japanese men hanging from the shower by his feet. He is naked. BAIN Yes, could you send up a pot of coffee and my friends are going to need some more towels. Thanks. He hangs up the phone and walks over to one of the large blood stains on the carpet. He points the rug cleaner at the stain covering it with white foam. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Rath sees the entrance for the expressway. RATH Get on the expressway. ELECTRA Where are we going? Rath glances back. RATH Nowhere yet. Electra turns onto the highway and NIKITA HOWLS from the "travel kitty" in the back seat. ELECTRA Nikita, hush. NIKITA wants out and HOWLS again. ELECTRA She won't stop unless you let her out. Rath reaches back and opens the box. Nikita springs into the front seat onto Rath's lap. RATH Nikita? She helped me find you. ELECTRA What? How did you know I had a cat? RATH Took a guess. Lucky for you, I guessed right. ELECTRA Who the fuck are you? Who do you work for? RATH I work for the government. ELECTRA Yeah? She studies his face, his eyes. ELECTRA Bullshit. RATH Yeah. ELECTRA You're one of them, aren't you? A fucking pro. RATH I'm part of the game, just like you. Electra pounds the steering wheel. ELECTRA Jesus! He reaches into the back seat, grabbing her bag. ELECTRA What do you think you're doing? Rath plucks out the bundles of money. RATH Twenty large? That's all? ELECTRA What do you mean, 'that's all'? What in the hell do you know? RATH The bonus on the contract for you was one million dollars. Electra seems ready to jump out of her skin. The speedometer is floating around 90. RATH Slow down. He pulls out the disks. RATH I figure that means these are worth ten times that, maybe more. ELECTRA Ten million -- RATH Now you understand

creek

How many times the word 'creek' appears in the text?

BAIN What? RATH What restaurant? BAIN Uh, Fontella's RATH So you're from around here? BAIN No. No I'm not. Bain is getting agitated. RATH Where you from? BAIN What is this? RATH Not too good at small talk, eh? BAIN Look, I'm real tired and I'm not interested in fucking chit-chat. RATH I know just what you mean. I'm pretty beat myself. Silence. RATH Since you looked like a waiter, I had to ask what restaurant because of what happened at the Trattoria Roma. Bain looks up. BAIN Why? What happened? RATH Didn't you here all them sirens? It's been all over the radio. Some guy shot Leevio Valli, and a bunch of bystanders, in the Trattoria Roma. BAIN No shit. RATH Yeah, it's terrible. I mean Valli, and I don't care what office he's running for, the guy's a crook. He probably had it coming, but all the other people. Real sad. BAIN Yeah. RATH But they caught the guy. I heard it all. Sounded like he just went berserk, fucking loco. Shooting anybody. Drugs, probably. BAIN Probably. RATH I'd love to sit in that jury. Send that S.O.B. right to the chair. Bain allows himself a bemused smile. BAIN Sizzle lean. The cab passes the intersection for the airport. Bain sits up. BAIN What are you doing? RATH What? BAIN That was Peterson back there. That goes to the expressway for the airport. RATH You're right. Talking too much again. BAIN Yeah well, you just blew your tip, pal. RATH What? You think I'm running you up? BAIN Just do your job. Rath pulls over and slaps the cab in park. BAIN What are you doing? RATH Get out. You think I'm running you up? Get out. BAIN You can't -- RATH The hell I can't. It's my cab. I don't like you. So, get the hell out! Bain can't figure out what is wrong, when he sees the dashboard and the missing ID. Their eyes meet in the rearview mirror. BAIN Holy fucking shit! The cab rocks as both men move. Instantly guns fill their hands. Bain ripping out a .357 lifted from one of the dead cops. Rath rolls to the side whipping the gun free from his jacket. Bain throws open the door, about to run, but stops. He looks at Rath. He wants him to run. Anyone who moves away from the bullet proof glass is dead. Both men are silent, each holding the other in their gun sights. Bain blinks, sweat forming on his lip. BAIN I get out, you got me. Bain reaches over and closes the door. He smiles knowing it is the right move. BAIN Now what? Rath calmly uncocks his gun. RATH We're both going to the airport. Bain nods. RATH Sit back. Put your seatbelt on. BAIN No fucking way. RATH Okay, don't. Bain thinks. RATH If either of us fucks around, the other can blow the fuel line. He points his gun at the floor where the fuel line runs. Bain sits back, aiming his gun, watching Rath. Rath eases back into the driver's seat, also holding his gun on the fuel line. He puts the car into drive and slides back into traffic, turning back towards Peterson. They sit in silence, studying each other, when they hit the expressway. Bain can't contain himself, giddy on adrenaline. BAIN Jesus -- I'm being driven to the airport by Robert Rath. He laughs. BAIN I can't believe this. You rolled some cabby for the radio, then waited for an airport fare. He laughs again. BAIN Boy, that's fucking genius. You're a fucking genius. Then you're just sitting there, bullshitting with me. Man, no way I coulda done that! RATH What's your name? We both know it's not Nicholai. BAIN Holy shit! Robert Rath wants to know my name. He leans back. This is a big moment for him. BAIN Bain. Michael Bain. RATH How long have you been freelance? BAIN Two years. Two long fucking years. Something occurs to him and he leans close to the window. BAIN Hey. What I don't get was why didn't you take the shot inside the restaurant? I mean you had me, a free shot. That's what I would have done. RATH It's just a shoot-out then. Sixty- forty, at best. Not my odds. BAIN Sounds like chickenshit -- He laughs hard. BAIN Listen to me calling you chickenshit! He stops laughing and looks closely at the back of Rath's head. BAIN Is that a wig? Shit, I hate wigs! Wigs are the worst part of this job. I'd rather dye my hair than wear a wig. Rath studies him. RATH You're wearing a wig now. Bain chokes on his laugh. BAIN God damn are you good. Everyone says you're so fucking good. I just can't believe I'm still alive. If I believed in God, I'd be down on my knees. Right now -- Hey, how come you just didn't plug us all when we came through the door? Rath does not answer. Bain smiles. He knows something about Rath now; he doesn't like killing innocent people. BAIN Shit if I was you, back there -- He holds his gun up to the bulletproof glass behind Rath's head. BAIN Game over. He laughs. BAIN Do you mind if I ask you a couple of business questions? You know I was wondering how much you bid this job at? Rath says nothing. BAIN You don't have to tell me that. It's just, I know my bid was low, but was it too low? I mean, did I seem like an amateur, like I didn't know what I was doing? RATH We both know what you were doing. Bain moves close to the glass again, checking out Rath's gun. BAIN Smith and Wesson .22 with an eight inch silencer. Classic. When I first heard you used that, I thought, shit, that's a lady's gun. Now, it's all I use. Clean, real clean. He looks at the gun, still trained at the floor. BAIN Would you really blow us? Rath does not have to answer. BAIN Oh! I got a question. Jesus, this has been driving me crazy for years -- shit, listen to me. I sound like some fucking fanboy. I'm sorry, but I just got to ask you. Everybody talks about how you left the Agency and got into the business and then how you went after the Russian, Nicholai Talinkov -- RATH Tachlinkov. BAIN Yeah, that's it. And he's like a fucking genius. They said he shaded you over and over. And in the end, he aced you again. Shaded and faded. They say he's living on some Greek island, but I say that's fucking bullshit. I say you're the best and that you planted his ass. Am I right? Rath says nothing. BAIN I bet I'm right. The car passes under a sign indicating the ramp for the Cleveland airport. BAIN Robert Bain, driving me! Jesus fucking Christ! RATH After those cops, you'll never be able to come back to Cleveland. BAIN Who the fuck cares about Cleveland. Cleveland blows. What kind of marks have they got here? Greasy mobster, teamster or some hand job politician. I want the money marks. I want the marks that you get. A long beat of silence. The CAB RUMBLES up onto the "departures" ramp which circles past all of the terminals. BAIN So what happens now? RATH We go around once. BAIN Bullshit. He throws off his seatbelt. BAIN You tell me that we're gonna go around once, then, while I'm checking out the lay of the land, you bail out and send me flying over the bridge. Right? Am I right? Rath doesn't answer, studying the terminals, noting the police and airport security. Rath studies the terrain. Bain studies Rath. Soon they have passed the entire airport. Rath nods. Steering the car through traffic in onto a circle interchange that will bring them to the beginning. Bain wipes the sweat from his face. RATH Okay. BAIN What? What's okay? Rath begins to accelerate, rounding the interchange. BAIN What are you doing? RATH There's a sand barricade up ahead; I'm going to ram this cab into it. The cab has an airbag, odds are good I'll survive. But with this steel casing and bullet proof glass, odds for you are not so good. Bain laughs. BAIN Oh man, that's sweet. That's fucking sweet. The speedometer continues to climb. BAIN You're bluffing. Rath says nothing. Ahead, at the ramp to the terminals, is the sand barricade. BAIN You're fucking with me. You want me to jump. I jump, you hit the brakes and bang -- Game over. The cab is flying at its target. BAIN No, no. Wait. You don't want me to jump. You're going to jump. I'm stuck back here until it's too late. Wham -- over! RATH I know you're going to jump. Bain looks at him and then at the barricade. RATH You're still young. Young enough to still think you're indestructible. Invincible. You believe with utter certainty you can bail out at the last second and survive. The barricade hurtles toward them, rising up, filling the windshield. RATH If you do survive, we'll see each other again. Bain screams, throwing open the door and hurling himself out. Rath jams on the brakes, TIRES SCREAMING, steering into the steel side rail, banking the car into the drums of sand as -- Bain hits the pavement, bouncing like a stone skipped across water. A driver hits his brakes, swerving, just missing him. SAND EXPLODES from the impact and the cab bounces up over the median into the bus-only lanes as the driver's airbag balloons out of the steering wheel. Bain rolls and rolls, finally stopping sprawled out like a piece of roadkill. The cab careens up onto a curb, slamming into a pole, the radiator spitting out a cloud of WHISTLING STEAM. Several cars lock up and collide to avoid Bain; one car stopping inches from him. A woman jumps out, rushing to the front of the car, but Bain is gone. Police CARS ROAR up into the midst of the accident. One of them pulling alongside the demolished cab. The door is open, the airbag popped. Rath is gone. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY A large six flat leans out from a hill in San Francisco. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT - DAY The apartment is always dark; heavy drapes cover the windows. The dining and living rooms look like the control booth of a network television show, stacks of video monitors and consoles, cables, electric wiring, coils of fiber optic cord duct-taped to the floors, walls and ceilings. They snake through holes punched in the plaster walls and hang everywhere like some technological jungle. At the center of this tangled web is ELECTRA, a beautiful athletic looking woman wearing only her underwear and a worn robe. She is curled up in an overstuffed chair, a bowl of popcorn in her lap. On the monitors, she is watching what at first might be mistaken for a soap opera; a young couple are having an argument. What is strange is that the angle never changes; a fish- eye lens staring down into the room. MAN (V.O.) I don't give a shit what your mother thinks. I'm not sleeping with your mother, I'm sleeping with you. WOMAN (V.O.) You won't be for long, with that attitude. MAN (V.O.) Jesus, Jennifer, if you're so god damned worried about your mother's approval, why don't you move back home so she can pat you on the head when you do something right. ELECTRA Jerk. Jennifer is too stunned to say anything. There is a long pause that is not at all like television. It seems very real. She starts to say something, but stops, trying to keep herself from crying. MAN (V.O.) Oh good. Go ahead and cry. JENNIFER (WOMAN) (V.O.) Would you please leave? Electra lifts her head, smelling the air. ELECTRA Mmm, smell that, Nikita? Nikita, Electra's black cat, is stretched lazily across the top of a chair, her tail twitching absently. Every corner of the chair has been clawed open. Electra reaches for the control board and throws a series of switches. The monitors flicker as the image changes. We are now looking down into a kitchen. A stove is beneath us, almost like a cooking show, where a round woman is taking out a tray of chocolate chip cookies. Electra smells them again, smiling as she inhales. ELECTRA I hope she saves some for us. There is a BANG, a DOOR SLAMMING in another apartment, and a MAN YELLING. Electra switches back to Jennifer's apartment. The man is still in the living room, but Jennifer is gone. MAN (V.O.) Do you think slamming doors is going to help work this out? Electra punches a command into a keyboard. Several of the screens change, showing different rooms of the same apartment. Jennifer is in the bedroom, lying on the bed sobbing, her face buried in a pillow. MAN (V.O.) I can slam doors too! We hear the front DOOR SLAM in the hall outside of Electra's apartment and through the monitor speakers. His stomping FOOTSTEPS FADE as he storms down the hall and staircase out of the building. Electra switches all of the screens to Jennifer. She watches and listens to her cry alone in her bedroom. Electra reaches out; her fingers lightly touch the monitor screen. INT. APARTMENT HALL Electra's front door opens slowly. Timidly, she steps out of her apartment and walks down the hall until she is standing in front of Jennifer's door. She starts to knock, but stops herself. She isn't sure she should do this. She paces, then turns to the door. She knocks, so softly it's almost impossible to hear. She stands, trying to force herself to knock again, when she hears Jennifer. JENNIFER (O.S.) Hello? Ken, is that you? Electra panics. The door knob turns, the door opens and JENNIFER looks out into the hall. It is empty. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT On the monitors, Electra watches Jennifer pick up the phone. JENNIFER (V.O.) Hi, Mom, it's me. Ken and I just had a big fight. Electra's PAGER suddenly SOUNDS. She shuts down the screens and pulls out the pager, checking the number. ELECTRA Crap. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT There is a system set up that is not unlike Rath's system; all of the same components, though the equipment is bigger, more powerful and less portable. On a table there is a bank of phones, several cellular. Electra is talking on one. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra, they are not paying you to sit at home and watch television. Electra is fiddling with five plastic computer disks; each has a MicroCell trademark and is labeled "Back-Up." ELECTRA I wasn't watching television. WOMAN (V.O.) The point is, they are paying for information. Real information. Not tooth paste brands. Not whether he wads of folds his toilet paper. And no 16 hours of recorded phone sex. You are wasting everyone's time with this shit. ELECTRA I thought it was interesting -- WOMAN (V.O.) God damnit, Electra. This is not a game. This is business. ELECTRA Right. In my hands I have five back-up disks he made of all of his work last night. WOMAN (V.O.) Jesus! Why didn't you tell me? ELECTRA I'll make my usual arrangements and expect my usual bonus. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra -- ELECTRA A pleasure doing business with you. She hangs up. INT. LOBBY Electra comes down the stairs. Outside the large glass door she sees KEN, Jennifer's boyfriend, leaving. On the lobby floor is a letter, apparently slipped under the door, addressed to Jennifer Morgan. Electra looks out the front door window, making sure that Ken is gone. She picks up the letter and stuffs it into her pocket. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is at his computer system. He is staring at it, like it is a living thing, a person that he despises, the blank screen reflecting his own face. It is an effort to bring himself to touch the keyboard, to type in his code. He waits. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Hello, Robert. Rath wants to type something but hesitates. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know what happened. RATH I bet you fucking know! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN It cost us. Rath jumps out of his chair, screaming at the screen. RATH I give a fuck? I'm done! I quit! Do you fucking hear me! I'm fucking gone! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN He stole another contract. Rath turns from the monitor, pacing. Trying to collect himself. RATH I'm being set up. Fucking set up! He looks at the chess board. He hovers over it, the pattern completely familiar. RATH Is this how it went, Nick? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Robert? Robert? Rath turns back to the screen, speaking as he types. RATH/SCREEN How did he know? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Know what? RATH/SCREEN The fucking contract! How in the fuck did he know. A long beat. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Such language in front of a lady. Rath still talking and typing. RATH/SCREEN I don't know what the fuck you are. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know. It was a joke. Rath stands, no longer typing. RATH A joke? A joke? Rath takes out his gun and levels it at the face of the screen. RATH You think this is a fucking joke? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN $1,000,000. Rath looks at the number. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN That's the bonus on the contract. Rath puts the gun down. RATH/SCREEN Deadline? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Tomorrow. The buyer is Japanese. His retirement a condition of the bonus. The FAX MACHINE COMES TO LIFE, printing an inky image. RATH/SCREEN Who is the mark? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Freelancer. A woman. Surveillance specialist. RATH A player? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN We have an M.O... Her system is protected by her 'pussy virus.' Rath looks at the fax; almost entirely black except for the wide, slit-iris cat eyes. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY There is a SCREECH and BLAST of ENGINES as a 747 touches down, heat rising off the tarmac. INT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY Several passengers walk through the gate into the terminal. Across from the gate, Rath sits in a grungy airport cafeteria, reading a folded paper. He is wearing an airport security uniform, a gun holstered to his side. Taped inside the newspaper is a faxed Interpol photograph of a Japanese man wanted for "industrial espionage." At the gate, five Japanese men emerge. Leading the group is the man in Rath's photo. The other four are obviously muscle. Rath watches as they walk down the crowded terminal hall. When they are almost out of sight, he folds his newspaper and begins to follow. His pace and manner is that of a cautious predator. His focus shifts continually from face to face, expecting to find Bain's. His hand hovers near his gun. Ahead of him a thin young man, wearing a long blue trench coat, stops. Rath cannot see his face. The man starts toward a drinking fountain. Rath catches a glimpse of his face. It could be Bain, but he isn't sure. The young man bends over and slurps at the stream of water. He rises into the barrel of Rath's .22. A mouthful of water coughs from his mouth. It is not Bain and in the next instant, the gun is gone. RATH Sorry. My mistake. Rath continues. They young man is unable to move. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY The five men stride through the automated terminal doors and towards a waiting limousine. Further down, Rath, now wearing a black T-shirt and jeans, exits and hails a cab. INT. CAB RATH Hi. Up ahead my boss is in that black limo. We're not sure which hotel we're at, so could you just follow them? CABBY Sure. Rath sits back studying the faces exiting the terminal as the cab pulls away. INT. LIMOUSINE The five men sit in silence. Strangely, a PHONE begins to RING. The older man, whose name is AKIRA, opens his briefcase, removing a cellular phone. AKIRA Hello? We hear Electra's voice. She speaks in Japanese; he uses English. ELECTRA (V.O.) I trust your flight was comfortable? AKIRA Your Japanese is excellent. ELECTRA (V.O.) Tell the driver: the Hyatt Hotel. INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY Electra is pacing, talking into the cellular phone. ELECTRA I'll call you again in twenty minutes. She punches a button and shoves the antennae down. The hotel room looks like her apartment. There is a computer and a series of monitors stacked on top of the wood laminate desk. Cables whip and wind across the carpeted floor to the central air duct. The panel has been removed and intertwined black and gray coaxial run up inside the duct. Immediately, Electra is busy finishing her preparations. She snaps in several power cords and the system comes on- line. On the monitor screen, we see an empty hotel room that looks exactly like the one she is in. INT. CAB Rath stares out the window, watching the surrounding traffic, the limo still in sight. Something occurs to him and he looks down at the folded newspaper where he had hid the contract file. He flips past several documents before finding what he's looking for; the cat. He pulls the dark fax of Nikita and stares at it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Laying on the bed, in a patch of sunlight, Nikita watches Electra rush about. Electra grabs the sheet from under the comforter and yanks it out. ELECTRA Excuse me, your Highness. Nikita casually walks off the bed. Electra takes the sheet to the open duct and tears off a long piece of duct-tape. EXT. HYATT HOTEL The limousine pulls up in the lavish circular driveway. The cab pulls in behind it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra checks her watch and picks up the cellular phone. INT. HYATT LOBBY The Japanese men stand in a cluster looking very rigid and uncomfortable. The BRIEFCASE RINGS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is pacing again. ELECTRA Room 1414. INT. HYATT LOBBY With several other guests, the Japanese men crowd into an elevator. The doors close. Across the lobby, Rath enters, walking past the elevators. INT. ELEVATOR As the elevator rises, we begin to hear a SOUND, a familiar sound. Cramped in the corner is Bain. He is PLAYING "TETRIS," wearing dark sunglasses and a WALKMAN PUMPING SPEED METAL into his ears. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra continues to pace, checking the monitors. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN At the switchboard, a YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE wearing an operator's headset, takes a late breakfast order, typing the order in the hotel computer. YOUNG MAN (YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE) Yes, sir. That'll be up in about thirty minutes. You're welcome. He turns around and Rath is right behind him. INT. ELEVATOR The fourteenth floor; the BELL CHIMES, the doors slide open and the clump of Japanese men get out. Just as the doors begin to close, Bain steps out. INT. HALL Bain follows them down the hall, still PLAYING the GAME. There is again an ominous sense of predator moving in on its prey. As Akira finds 1414 and opens the door, another door burst open, a large family, heading for the pool. The moment is gone; the Japanese men close the door and Bain continues down the hall again, PLAYING the GAME. INT. HOTEL SUITE When the Japanese men enter the suite, we realize that this is the image on Electra's monitors. Surveillance camcorders and microphones are mounted in various locations to display every inch of the room. The group hesitates for a moment, under the electronic eyes. The four goons have their hands in their jackets. A small LAPTOP COMPUTER sits on the coffee table HUMMING SOFTLY. It is the only noise in the room until a speaker crackles. ELECTRA/SPEAKER (V.O.) Good morning, gentlemen. I apologize for the arrangement, but we all know those aren't business cards you're reaching for. If anyone leaves this room, the deal's off. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN The operator is unconscious, slumped in the corner. Rath studies the hotel computer screen intently, the information rolling by. We see that it is the previous night's room service receipts. RATH One vegetarian plate and a can of tuna fish. Room 1014. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stands in front of the monitors watching the men as she speaks into the microphone. ELECTRA Ten thousand dollars per disk. Insert the first disk now. On the monitor, we see Akira at the coffee table shove the first disk into the laptop disk drive. INT. HOTEL SUITE Akira turns from the small computer screen and nods at a goon, who drops a green brick of bound one hundred dollar bills, down the central air duct. The little clock on the laptop ticks away as it copies. INT. HYATT HALL Bain is sitting on a bench entrenched in a fevered game of "TETRIS." Suddenly, he stops. BAIN Yes! The display of the game reads "Game Over" and congratulates Bain on a new high score. Bain stands, smiling. He puts the game in his pocket and starts down the hall. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is crouched at the open duct, grabbing another stack of money, stuffing it into her bag. A LOUD BANG EXPLODES out of the SPEAKERS and she looks up at the monitor. INT. HOTEL SUITE The lock on the door has been broken and standing in the frame is Bain. BAIN Surprise! He raises his arm, his GUN spitting SILENT BULLETS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stares in horror at the monitors as Bain grabs the nearest bodyguard, FIRING a SHOT into his belly. ELECTRA Oh, God. INT. HOTEL SUITE Another SHOT and the second bodyguard falls. The other two draw their handguns and Bain shields himself with the lifeless body of his first victim. They FIRE at Bain but are unable to hit him. Bain squeezes off TWO MORE SHOTS and the two men fall dead. He lets his human shield fall to the ground and levels his gun on the shaking Akira. AKIRA Don't kill me. Bain looks at him and smiles, then FIRES. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra leaps at the computer, ripping the cord from the modem. Bain sees the fiber optic cable and looks right into it. BAIN (V.O.) Tricky. Boy, you just can't trust anyone these days. He licks the lens, leaving a smear of saliva. She stuffs the disks into her bag. She puts Nikita in her "travel kitty" and charges for the door, grabbing her coat. Flinging it over her shoulder, she does not notice the letter from Ken slip out of her pocket as she bolts from the room. INT. HALL Electra explodes through the door and suddenly freezes. She is staring down the barrel of Rath's .22. RATH Don't be stupid and you will live. The elevator behind Rath opens and closes against a hotel lobby ashtray. He waves her into the elevator with his gun. RATH Hurry. EXT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY Electra's black CAR ROARS out of the garage, onto the open street. INT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY The door swings open. From the hall we can hear the familiar BEEPING of the COMPUTER GAME. The room, 1014, is the same as Electra had left it when she ran out. Jutting from a shadow on the floor is the corner of Ken's letter. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Electra drives, obviously nervous, as Rath watches out the rear window. RATH Turn here. No one follows. He turns back to her. RATH How many bodies were there? He checks his watch. ELECTRA What? RATH He has to clean up. How many bodies were there? ELECTRA Um, five. RATH One hour per man. Rath sets the timer on his watch for five hours. INT. HYATT HOTEL ROOM - DAY Bain has returned to room 1414. Wearing rubber gloves, he clicks open a black leather attache and pulls out a can of rug cleaner. He picks up the phone for room service. BAIN Hi. This is room 1414 -- Behind him, in the bathroom mirror, we see one of the Japanese men hanging from the shower by his feet. He is naked. BAIN Yes, could you send up a pot of coffee and my friends are going to need some more towels. Thanks. He hangs up the phone and walks over to one of the large blood stains on the carpet. He points the rug cleaner at the stain covering it with white foam. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Rath sees the entrance for the expressway. RATH Get on the expressway. ELECTRA Where are we going? Rath glances back. RATH Nowhere yet. Electra turns onto the highway and NIKITA HOWLS from the "travel kitty" in the back seat. ELECTRA Nikita, hush. NIKITA wants out and HOWLS again. ELECTRA She won't stop unless you let her out. Rath reaches back and opens the box. Nikita springs into the front seat onto Rath's lap. RATH Nikita? She helped me find you. ELECTRA What? How did you know I had a cat? RATH Took a guess. Lucky for you, I guessed right. ELECTRA Who the fuck are you? Who do you work for? RATH I work for the government. ELECTRA Yeah? She studies his face, his eyes. ELECTRA Bullshit. RATH Yeah. ELECTRA You're one of them, aren't you? A fucking pro. RATH I'm part of the game, just like you. Electra pounds the steering wheel. ELECTRA Jesus! He reaches into the back seat, grabbing her bag. ELECTRA What do you think you're doing? Rath plucks out the bundles of money. RATH Twenty large? That's all? ELECTRA What do you mean, 'that's all'? What in the hell do you know? RATH The bonus on the contract for you was one million dollars. Electra seems ready to jump out of her skin. The speedometer is floating around 90. RATH Slow down. He pulls out the disks. RATH I figure that means these are worth ten times that, maybe more. ELECTRA Ten million -- RATH Now you understand

bail

How many times the word 'bail' appears in the text?

BAIN What? RATH What restaurant? BAIN Uh, Fontella's RATH So you're from around here? BAIN No. No I'm not. Bain is getting agitated. RATH Where you from? BAIN What is this? RATH Not too good at small talk, eh? BAIN Look, I'm real tired and I'm not interested in fucking chit-chat. RATH I know just what you mean. I'm pretty beat myself. Silence. RATH Since you looked like a waiter, I had to ask what restaurant because of what happened at the Trattoria Roma. Bain looks up. BAIN Why? What happened? RATH Didn't you here all them sirens? It's been all over the radio. Some guy shot Leevio Valli, and a bunch of bystanders, in the Trattoria Roma. BAIN No shit. RATH Yeah, it's terrible. I mean Valli, and I don't care what office he's running for, the guy's a crook. He probably had it coming, but all the other people. Real sad. BAIN Yeah. RATH But they caught the guy. I heard it all. Sounded like he just went berserk, fucking loco. Shooting anybody. Drugs, probably. BAIN Probably. RATH I'd love to sit in that jury. Send that S.O.B. right to the chair. Bain allows himself a bemused smile. BAIN Sizzle lean. The cab passes the intersection for the airport. Bain sits up. BAIN What are you doing? RATH What? BAIN That was Peterson back there. That goes to the expressway for the airport. RATH You're right. Talking too much again. BAIN Yeah well, you just blew your tip, pal. RATH What? You think I'm running you up? BAIN Just do your job. Rath pulls over and slaps the cab in park. BAIN What are you doing? RATH Get out. You think I'm running you up? Get out. BAIN You can't -- RATH The hell I can't. It's my cab. I don't like you. So, get the hell out! Bain can't figure out what is wrong, when he sees the dashboard and the missing ID. Their eyes meet in the rearview mirror. BAIN Holy fucking shit! The cab rocks as both men move. Instantly guns fill their hands. Bain ripping out a .357 lifted from one of the dead cops. Rath rolls to the side whipping the gun free from his jacket. Bain throws open the door, about to run, but stops. He looks at Rath. He wants him to run. Anyone who moves away from the bullet proof glass is dead. Both men are silent, each holding the other in their gun sights. Bain blinks, sweat forming on his lip. BAIN I get out, you got me. Bain reaches over and closes the door. He smiles knowing it is the right move. BAIN Now what? Rath calmly uncocks his gun. RATH We're both going to the airport. Bain nods. RATH Sit back. Put your seatbelt on. BAIN No fucking way. RATH Okay, don't. Bain thinks. RATH If either of us fucks around, the other can blow the fuel line. He points his gun at the floor where the fuel line runs. Bain sits back, aiming his gun, watching Rath. Rath eases back into the driver's seat, also holding his gun on the fuel line. He puts the car into drive and slides back into traffic, turning back towards Peterson. They sit in silence, studying each other, when they hit the expressway. Bain can't contain himself, giddy on adrenaline. BAIN Jesus -- I'm being driven to the airport by Robert Rath. He laughs. BAIN I can't believe this. You rolled some cabby for the radio, then waited for an airport fare. He laughs again. BAIN Boy, that's fucking genius. You're a fucking genius. Then you're just sitting there, bullshitting with me. Man, no way I coulda done that! RATH What's your name? We both know it's not Nicholai. BAIN Holy shit! Robert Rath wants to know my name. He leans back. This is a big moment for him. BAIN Bain. Michael Bain. RATH How long have you been freelance? BAIN Two years. Two long fucking years. Something occurs to him and he leans close to the window. BAIN Hey. What I don't get was why didn't you take the shot inside the restaurant? I mean you had me, a free shot. That's what I would have done. RATH It's just a shoot-out then. Sixty- forty, at best. Not my odds. BAIN Sounds like chickenshit -- He laughs hard. BAIN Listen to me calling you chickenshit! He stops laughing and looks closely at the back of Rath's head. BAIN Is that a wig? Shit, I hate wigs! Wigs are the worst part of this job. I'd rather dye my hair than wear a wig. Rath studies him. RATH You're wearing a wig now. Bain chokes on his laugh. BAIN God damn are you good. Everyone says you're so fucking good. I just can't believe I'm still alive. If I believed in God, I'd be down on my knees. Right now -- Hey, how come you just didn't plug us all when we came through the door? Rath does not answer. Bain smiles. He knows something about Rath now; he doesn't like killing innocent people. BAIN Shit if I was you, back there -- He holds his gun up to the bulletproof glass behind Rath's head. BAIN Game over. He laughs. BAIN Do you mind if I ask you a couple of business questions? You know I was wondering how much you bid this job at? Rath says nothing. BAIN You don't have to tell me that. It's just, I know my bid was low, but was it too low? I mean, did I seem like an amateur, like I didn't know what I was doing? RATH We both know what you were doing. Bain moves close to the glass again, checking out Rath's gun. BAIN Smith and Wesson .22 with an eight inch silencer. Classic. When I first heard you used that, I thought, shit, that's a lady's gun. Now, it's all I use. Clean, real clean. He looks at the gun, still trained at the floor. BAIN Would you really blow us? Rath does not have to answer. BAIN Oh! I got a question. Jesus, this has been driving me crazy for years -- shit, listen to me. I sound like some fucking fanboy. I'm sorry, but I just got to ask you. Everybody talks about how you left the Agency and got into the business and then how you went after the Russian, Nicholai Talinkov -- RATH Tachlinkov. BAIN Yeah, that's it. And he's like a fucking genius. They said he shaded you over and over. And in the end, he aced you again. Shaded and faded. They say he's living on some Greek island, but I say that's fucking bullshit. I say you're the best and that you planted his ass. Am I right? Rath says nothing. BAIN I bet I'm right. The car passes under a sign indicating the ramp for the Cleveland airport. BAIN Robert Bain, driving me! Jesus fucking Christ! RATH After those cops, you'll never be able to come back to Cleveland. BAIN Who the fuck cares about Cleveland. Cleveland blows. What kind of marks have they got here? Greasy mobster, teamster or some hand job politician. I want the money marks. I want the marks that you get. A long beat of silence. The CAB RUMBLES up onto the "departures" ramp which circles past all of the terminals. BAIN So what happens now? RATH We go around once. BAIN Bullshit. He throws off his seatbelt. BAIN You tell me that we're gonna go around once, then, while I'm checking out the lay of the land, you bail out and send me flying over the bridge. Right? Am I right? Rath doesn't answer, studying the terminals, noting the police and airport security. Rath studies the terrain. Bain studies Rath. Soon they have passed the entire airport. Rath nods. Steering the car through traffic in onto a circle interchange that will bring them to the beginning. Bain wipes the sweat from his face. RATH Okay. BAIN What? What's okay? Rath begins to accelerate, rounding the interchange. BAIN What are you doing? RATH There's a sand barricade up ahead; I'm going to ram this cab into it. The cab has an airbag, odds are good I'll survive. But with this steel casing and bullet proof glass, odds for you are not so good. Bain laughs. BAIN Oh man, that's sweet. That's fucking sweet. The speedometer continues to climb. BAIN You're bluffing. Rath says nothing. Ahead, at the ramp to the terminals, is the sand barricade. BAIN You're fucking with me. You want me to jump. I jump, you hit the brakes and bang -- Game over. The cab is flying at its target. BAIN No, no. Wait. You don't want me to jump. You're going to jump. I'm stuck back here until it's too late. Wham -- over! RATH I know you're going to jump. Bain looks at him and then at the barricade. RATH You're still young. Young enough to still think you're indestructible. Invincible. You believe with utter certainty you can bail out at the last second and survive. The barricade hurtles toward them, rising up, filling the windshield. RATH If you do survive, we'll see each other again. Bain screams, throwing open the door and hurling himself out. Rath jams on the brakes, TIRES SCREAMING, steering into the steel side rail, banking the car into the drums of sand as -- Bain hits the pavement, bouncing like a stone skipped across water. A driver hits his brakes, swerving, just missing him. SAND EXPLODES from the impact and the cab bounces up over the median into the bus-only lanes as the driver's airbag balloons out of the steering wheel. Bain rolls and rolls, finally stopping sprawled out like a piece of roadkill. The cab careens up onto a curb, slamming into a pole, the radiator spitting out a cloud of WHISTLING STEAM. Several cars lock up and collide to avoid Bain; one car stopping inches from him. A woman jumps out, rushing to the front of the car, but Bain is gone. Police CARS ROAR up into the midst of the accident. One of them pulling alongside the demolished cab. The door is open, the airbag popped. Rath is gone. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY A large six flat leans out from a hill in San Francisco. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT - DAY The apartment is always dark; heavy drapes cover the windows. The dining and living rooms look like the control booth of a network television show, stacks of video monitors and consoles, cables, electric wiring, coils of fiber optic cord duct-taped to the floors, walls and ceilings. They snake through holes punched in the plaster walls and hang everywhere like some technological jungle. At the center of this tangled web is ELECTRA, a beautiful athletic looking woman wearing only her underwear and a worn robe. She is curled up in an overstuffed chair, a bowl of popcorn in her lap. On the monitors, she is watching what at first might be mistaken for a soap opera; a young couple are having an argument. What is strange is that the angle never changes; a fish- eye lens staring down into the room. MAN (V.O.) I don't give a shit what your mother thinks. I'm not sleeping with your mother, I'm sleeping with you. WOMAN (V.O.) You won't be for long, with that attitude. MAN (V.O.) Jesus, Jennifer, if you're so god damned worried about your mother's approval, why don't you move back home so she can pat you on the head when you do something right. ELECTRA Jerk. Jennifer is too stunned to say anything. There is a long pause that is not at all like television. It seems very real. She starts to say something, but stops, trying to keep herself from crying. MAN (V.O.) Oh good. Go ahead and cry. JENNIFER (WOMAN) (V.O.) Would you please leave? Electra lifts her head, smelling the air. ELECTRA Mmm, smell that, Nikita? Nikita, Electra's black cat, is stretched lazily across the top of a chair, her tail twitching absently. Every corner of the chair has been clawed open. Electra reaches for the control board and throws a series of switches. The monitors flicker as the image changes. We are now looking down into a kitchen. A stove is beneath us, almost like a cooking show, where a round woman is taking out a tray of chocolate chip cookies. Electra smells them again, smiling as she inhales. ELECTRA I hope she saves some for us. There is a BANG, a DOOR SLAMMING in another apartment, and a MAN YELLING. Electra switches back to Jennifer's apartment. The man is still in the living room, but Jennifer is gone. MAN (V.O.) Do you think slamming doors is going to help work this out? Electra punches a command into a keyboard. Several of the screens change, showing different rooms of the same apartment. Jennifer is in the bedroom, lying on the bed sobbing, her face buried in a pillow. MAN (V.O.) I can slam doors too! We hear the front DOOR SLAM in the hall outside of Electra's apartment and through the monitor speakers. His stomping FOOTSTEPS FADE as he storms down the hall and staircase out of the building. Electra switches all of the screens to Jennifer. She watches and listens to her cry alone in her bedroom. Electra reaches out; her fingers lightly touch the monitor screen. INT. APARTMENT HALL Electra's front door opens slowly. Timidly, she steps out of her apartment and walks down the hall until she is standing in front of Jennifer's door. She starts to knock, but stops herself. She isn't sure she should do this. She paces, then turns to the door. She knocks, so softly it's almost impossible to hear. She stands, trying to force herself to knock again, when she hears Jennifer. JENNIFER (O.S.) Hello? Ken, is that you? Electra panics. The door knob turns, the door opens and JENNIFER looks out into the hall. It is empty. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT On the monitors, Electra watches Jennifer pick up the phone. JENNIFER (V.O.) Hi, Mom, it's me. Ken and I just had a big fight. Electra's PAGER suddenly SOUNDS. She shuts down the screens and pulls out the pager, checking the number. ELECTRA Crap. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT There is a system set up that is not unlike Rath's system; all of the same components, though the equipment is bigger, more powerful and less portable. On a table there is a bank of phones, several cellular. Electra is talking on one. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra, they are not paying you to sit at home and watch television. Electra is fiddling with five plastic computer disks; each has a MicroCell trademark and is labeled "Back-Up." ELECTRA I wasn't watching television. WOMAN (V.O.) The point is, they are paying for information. Real information. Not tooth paste brands. Not whether he wads of folds his toilet paper. And no 16 hours of recorded phone sex. You are wasting everyone's time with this shit. ELECTRA I thought it was interesting -- WOMAN (V.O.) God damnit, Electra. This is not a game. This is business. ELECTRA Right. In my hands I have five back-up disks he made of all of his work last night. WOMAN (V.O.) Jesus! Why didn't you tell me? ELECTRA I'll make my usual arrangements and expect my usual bonus. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra -- ELECTRA A pleasure doing business with you. She hangs up. INT. LOBBY Electra comes down the stairs. Outside the large glass door she sees KEN, Jennifer's boyfriend, leaving. On the lobby floor is a letter, apparently slipped under the door, addressed to Jennifer Morgan. Electra looks out the front door window, making sure that Ken is gone. She picks up the letter and stuffs it into her pocket. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is at his computer system. He is staring at it, like it is a living thing, a person that he despises, the blank screen reflecting his own face. It is an effort to bring himself to touch the keyboard, to type in his code. He waits. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Hello, Robert. Rath wants to type something but hesitates. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know what happened. RATH I bet you fucking know! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN It cost us. Rath jumps out of his chair, screaming at the screen. RATH I give a fuck? I'm done! I quit! Do you fucking hear me! I'm fucking gone! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN He stole another contract. Rath turns from the monitor, pacing. Trying to collect himself. RATH I'm being set up. Fucking set up! He looks at the chess board. He hovers over it, the pattern completely familiar. RATH Is this how it went, Nick? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Robert? Robert? Rath turns back to the screen, speaking as he types. RATH/SCREEN How did he know? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Know what? RATH/SCREEN The fucking contract! How in the fuck did he know. A long beat. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Such language in front of a lady. Rath still talking and typing. RATH/SCREEN I don't know what the fuck you are. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know. It was a joke. Rath stands, no longer typing. RATH A joke? A joke? Rath takes out his gun and levels it at the face of the screen. RATH You think this is a fucking joke? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN $1,000,000. Rath looks at the number. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN That's the bonus on the contract. Rath puts the gun down. RATH/SCREEN Deadline? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Tomorrow. The buyer is Japanese. His retirement a condition of the bonus. The FAX MACHINE COMES TO LIFE, printing an inky image. RATH/SCREEN Who is the mark? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Freelancer. A woman. Surveillance specialist. RATH A player? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN We have an M.O... Her system is protected by her 'pussy virus.' Rath looks at the fax; almost entirely black except for the wide, slit-iris cat eyes. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY There is a SCREECH and BLAST of ENGINES as a 747 touches down, heat rising off the tarmac. INT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY Several passengers walk through the gate into the terminal. Across from the gate, Rath sits in a grungy airport cafeteria, reading a folded paper. He is wearing an airport security uniform, a gun holstered to his side. Taped inside the newspaper is a faxed Interpol photograph of a Japanese man wanted for "industrial espionage." At the gate, five Japanese men emerge. Leading the group is the man in Rath's photo. The other four are obviously muscle. Rath watches as they walk down the crowded terminal hall. When they are almost out of sight, he folds his newspaper and begins to follow. His pace and manner is that of a cautious predator. His focus shifts continually from face to face, expecting to find Bain's. His hand hovers near his gun. Ahead of him a thin young man, wearing a long blue trench coat, stops. Rath cannot see his face. The man starts toward a drinking fountain. Rath catches a glimpse of his face. It could be Bain, but he isn't sure. The young man bends over and slurps at the stream of water. He rises into the barrel of Rath's .22. A mouthful of water coughs from his mouth. It is not Bain and in the next instant, the gun is gone. RATH Sorry. My mistake. Rath continues. They young man is unable to move. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY The five men stride through the automated terminal doors and towards a waiting limousine. Further down, Rath, now wearing a black T-shirt and jeans, exits and hails a cab. INT. CAB RATH Hi. Up ahead my boss is in that black limo. We're not sure which hotel we're at, so could you just follow them? CABBY Sure. Rath sits back studying the faces exiting the terminal as the cab pulls away. INT. LIMOUSINE The five men sit in silence. Strangely, a PHONE begins to RING. The older man, whose name is AKIRA, opens his briefcase, removing a cellular phone. AKIRA Hello? We hear Electra's voice. She speaks in Japanese; he uses English. ELECTRA (V.O.) I trust your flight was comfortable? AKIRA Your Japanese is excellent. ELECTRA (V.O.) Tell the driver: the Hyatt Hotel. INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY Electra is pacing, talking into the cellular phone. ELECTRA I'll call you again in twenty minutes. She punches a button and shoves the antennae down. The hotel room looks like her apartment. There is a computer and a series of monitors stacked on top of the wood laminate desk. Cables whip and wind across the carpeted floor to the central air duct. The panel has been removed and intertwined black and gray coaxial run up inside the duct. Immediately, Electra is busy finishing her preparations. She snaps in several power cords and the system comes on- line. On the monitor screen, we see an empty hotel room that looks exactly like the one she is in. INT. CAB Rath stares out the window, watching the surrounding traffic, the limo still in sight. Something occurs to him and he looks down at the folded newspaper where he had hid the contract file. He flips past several documents before finding what he's looking for; the cat. He pulls the dark fax of Nikita and stares at it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Laying on the bed, in a patch of sunlight, Nikita watches Electra rush about. Electra grabs the sheet from under the comforter and yanks it out. ELECTRA Excuse me, your Highness. Nikita casually walks off the bed. Electra takes the sheet to the open duct and tears off a long piece of duct-tape. EXT. HYATT HOTEL The limousine pulls up in the lavish circular driveway. The cab pulls in behind it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra checks her watch and picks up the cellular phone. INT. HYATT LOBBY The Japanese men stand in a cluster looking very rigid and uncomfortable. The BRIEFCASE RINGS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is pacing again. ELECTRA Room 1414. INT. HYATT LOBBY With several other guests, the Japanese men crowd into an elevator. The doors close. Across the lobby, Rath enters, walking past the elevators. INT. ELEVATOR As the elevator rises, we begin to hear a SOUND, a familiar sound. Cramped in the corner is Bain. He is PLAYING "TETRIS," wearing dark sunglasses and a WALKMAN PUMPING SPEED METAL into his ears. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra continues to pace, checking the monitors. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN At the switchboard, a YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE wearing an operator's headset, takes a late breakfast order, typing the order in the hotel computer. YOUNG MAN (YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE) Yes, sir. That'll be up in about thirty minutes. You're welcome. He turns around and Rath is right behind him. INT. ELEVATOR The fourteenth floor; the BELL CHIMES, the doors slide open and the clump of Japanese men get out. Just as the doors begin to close, Bain steps out. INT. HALL Bain follows them down the hall, still PLAYING the GAME. There is again an ominous sense of predator moving in on its prey. As Akira finds 1414 and opens the door, another door burst open, a large family, heading for the pool. The moment is gone; the Japanese men close the door and Bain continues down the hall again, PLAYING the GAME. INT. HOTEL SUITE When the Japanese men enter the suite, we realize that this is the image on Electra's monitors. Surveillance camcorders and microphones are mounted in various locations to display every inch of the room. The group hesitates for a moment, under the electronic eyes. The four goons have their hands in their jackets. A small LAPTOP COMPUTER sits on the coffee table HUMMING SOFTLY. It is the only noise in the room until a speaker crackles. ELECTRA/SPEAKER (V.O.) Good morning, gentlemen. I apologize for the arrangement, but we all know those aren't business cards you're reaching for. If anyone leaves this room, the deal's off. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN The operator is unconscious, slumped in the corner. Rath studies the hotel computer screen intently, the information rolling by. We see that it is the previous night's room service receipts. RATH One vegetarian plate and a can of tuna fish. Room 1014. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stands in front of the monitors watching the men as she speaks into the microphone. ELECTRA Ten thousand dollars per disk. Insert the first disk now. On the monitor, we see Akira at the coffee table shove the first disk into the laptop disk drive. INT. HOTEL SUITE Akira turns from the small computer screen and nods at a goon, who drops a green brick of bound one hundred dollar bills, down the central air duct. The little clock on the laptop ticks away as it copies. INT. HYATT HALL Bain is sitting on a bench entrenched in a fevered game of "TETRIS." Suddenly, he stops. BAIN Yes! The display of the game reads "Game Over" and congratulates Bain on a new high score. Bain stands, smiling. He puts the game in his pocket and starts down the hall. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is crouched at the open duct, grabbing another stack of money, stuffing it into her bag. A LOUD BANG EXPLODES out of the SPEAKERS and she looks up at the monitor. INT. HOTEL SUITE The lock on the door has been broken and standing in the frame is Bain. BAIN Surprise! He raises his arm, his GUN spitting SILENT BULLETS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stares in horror at the monitors as Bain grabs the nearest bodyguard, FIRING a SHOT into his belly. ELECTRA Oh, God. INT. HOTEL SUITE Another SHOT and the second bodyguard falls. The other two draw their handguns and Bain shields himself with the lifeless body of his first victim. They FIRE at Bain but are unable to hit him. Bain squeezes off TWO MORE SHOTS and the two men fall dead. He lets his human shield fall to the ground and levels his gun on the shaking Akira. AKIRA Don't kill me. Bain looks at him and smiles, then FIRES. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra leaps at the computer, ripping the cord from the modem. Bain sees the fiber optic cable and looks right into it. BAIN (V.O.) Tricky. Boy, you just can't trust anyone these days. He licks the lens, leaving a smear of saliva. She stuffs the disks into her bag. She puts Nikita in her "travel kitty" and charges for the door, grabbing her coat. Flinging it over her shoulder, she does not notice the letter from Ken slip out of her pocket as she bolts from the room. INT. HALL Electra explodes through the door and suddenly freezes. She is staring down the barrel of Rath's .22. RATH Don't be stupid and you will live. The elevator behind Rath opens and closes against a hotel lobby ashtray. He waves her into the elevator with his gun. RATH Hurry. EXT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY Electra's black CAR ROARS out of the garage, onto the open street. INT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY The door swings open. From the hall we can hear the familiar BEEPING of the COMPUTER GAME. The room, 1014, is the same as Electra had left it when she ran out. Jutting from a shadow on the floor is the corner of Ken's letter. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Electra drives, obviously nervous, as Rath watches out the rear window. RATH Turn here. No one follows. He turns back to her. RATH How many bodies were there? He checks his watch. ELECTRA What? RATH He has to clean up. How many bodies were there? ELECTRA Um, five. RATH One hour per man. Rath sets the timer on his watch for five hours. INT. HYATT HOTEL ROOM - DAY Bain has returned to room 1414. Wearing rubber gloves, he clicks open a black leather attache and pulls out a can of rug cleaner. He picks up the phone for room service. BAIN Hi. This is room 1414 -- Behind him, in the bathroom mirror, we see one of the Japanese men hanging from the shower by his feet. He is naked. BAIN Yes, could you send up a pot of coffee and my friends are going to need some more towels. Thanks. He hangs up the phone and walks over to one of the large blood stains on the carpet. He points the rug cleaner at the stain covering it with white foam. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Rath sees the entrance for the expressway. RATH Get on the expressway. ELECTRA Where are we going? Rath glances back. RATH Nowhere yet. Electra turns onto the highway and NIKITA HOWLS from the "travel kitty" in the back seat. ELECTRA Nikita, hush. NIKITA wants out and HOWLS again. ELECTRA She won't stop unless you let her out. Rath reaches back and opens the box. Nikita springs into the front seat onto Rath's lap. RATH Nikita? She helped me find you. ELECTRA What? How did you know I had a cat? RATH Took a guess. Lucky for you, I guessed right. ELECTRA Who the fuck are you? Who do you work for? RATH I work for the government. ELECTRA Yeah? She studies his face, his eyes. ELECTRA Bullshit. RATH Yeah. ELECTRA You're one of them, aren't you? A fucking pro. RATH I'm part of the game, just like you. Electra pounds the steering wheel. ELECTRA Jesus! He reaches into the back seat, grabbing her bag. ELECTRA What do you think you're doing? Rath plucks out the bundles of money. RATH Twenty large? That's all? ELECTRA What do you mean, 'that's all'? What in the hell do you know? RATH The bonus on the contract for you was one million dollars. Electra seems ready to jump out of her skin. The speedometer is floating around 90. RATH Slow down. He pulls out the disks. RATH I figure that means these are worth ten times that, maybe more. ELECTRA Ten million -- RATH Now you understand

different

How many times the word 'different' appears in the text?

BAIN What? RATH What restaurant? BAIN Uh, Fontella's RATH So you're from around here? BAIN No. No I'm not. Bain is getting agitated. RATH Where you from? BAIN What is this? RATH Not too good at small talk, eh? BAIN Look, I'm real tired and I'm not interested in fucking chit-chat. RATH I know just what you mean. I'm pretty beat myself. Silence. RATH Since you looked like a waiter, I had to ask what restaurant because of what happened at the Trattoria Roma. Bain looks up. BAIN Why? What happened? RATH Didn't you here all them sirens? It's been all over the radio. Some guy shot Leevio Valli, and a bunch of bystanders, in the Trattoria Roma. BAIN No shit. RATH Yeah, it's terrible. I mean Valli, and I don't care what office he's running for, the guy's a crook. He probably had it coming, but all the other people. Real sad. BAIN Yeah. RATH But they caught the guy. I heard it all. Sounded like he just went berserk, fucking loco. Shooting anybody. Drugs, probably. BAIN Probably. RATH I'd love to sit in that jury. Send that S.O.B. right to the chair. Bain allows himself a bemused smile. BAIN Sizzle lean. The cab passes the intersection for the airport. Bain sits up. BAIN What are you doing? RATH What? BAIN That was Peterson back there. That goes to the expressway for the airport. RATH You're right. Talking too much again. BAIN Yeah well, you just blew your tip, pal. RATH What? You think I'm running you up? BAIN Just do your job. Rath pulls over and slaps the cab in park. BAIN What are you doing? RATH Get out. You think I'm running you up? Get out. BAIN You can't -- RATH The hell I can't. It's my cab. I don't like you. So, get the hell out! Bain can't figure out what is wrong, when he sees the dashboard and the missing ID. Their eyes meet in the rearview mirror. BAIN Holy fucking shit! The cab rocks as both men move. Instantly guns fill their hands. Bain ripping out a .357 lifted from one of the dead cops. Rath rolls to the side whipping the gun free from his jacket. Bain throws open the door, about to run, but stops. He looks at Rath. He wants him to run. Anyone who moves away from the bullet proof glass is dead. Both men are silent, each holding the other in their gun sights. Bain blinks, sweat forming on his lip. BAIN I get out, you got me. Bain reaches over and closes the door. He smiles knowing it is the right move. BAIN Now what? Rath calmly uncocks his gun. RATH We're both going to the airport. Bain nods. RATH Sit back. Put your seatbelt on. BAIN No fucking way. RATH Okay, don't. Bain thinks. RATH If either of us fucks around, the other can blow the fuel line. He points his gun at the floor where the fuel line runs. Bain sits back, aiming his gun, watching Rath. Rath eases back into the driver's seat, also holding his gun on the fuel line. He puts the car into drive and slides back into traffic, turning back towards Peterson. They sit in silence, studying each other, when they hit the expressway. Bain can't contain himself, giddy on adrenaline. BAIN Jesus -- I'm being driven to the airport by Robert Rath. He laughs. BAIN I can't believe this. You rolled some cabby for the radio, then waited for an airport fare. He laughs again. BAIN Boy, that's fucking genius. You're a fucking genius. Then you're just sitting there, bullshitting with me. Man, no way I coulda done that! RATH What's your name? We both know it's not Nicholai. BAIN Holy shit! Robert Rath wants to know my name. He leans back. This is a big moment for him. BAIN Bain. Michael Bain. RATH How long have you been freelance? BAIN Two years. Two long fucking years. Something occurs to him and he leans close to the window. BAIN Hey. What I don't get was why didn't you take the shot inside the restaurant? I mean you had me, a free shot. That's what I would have done. RATH It's just a shoot-out then. Sixty- forty, at best. Not my odds. BAIN Sounds like chickenshit -- He laughs hard. BAIN Listen to me calling you chickenshit! He stops laughing and looks closely at the back of Rath's head. BAIN Is that a wig? Shit, I hate wigs! Wigs are the worst part of this job. I'd rather dye my hair than wear a wig. Rath studies him. RATH You're wearing a wig now. Bain chokes on his laugh. BAIN God damn are you good. Everyone says you're so fucking good. I just can't believe I'm still alive. If I believed in God, I'd be down on my knees. Right now -- Hey, how come you just didn't plug us all when we came through the door? Rath does not answer. Bain smiles. He knows something about Rath now; he doesn't like killing innocent people. BAIN Shit if I was you, back there -- He holds his gun up to the bulletproof glass behind Rath's head. BAIN Game over. He laughs. BAIN Do you mind if I ask you a couple of business questions? You know I was wondering how much you bid this job at? Rath says nothing. BAIN You don't have to tell me that. It's just, I know my bid was low, but was it too low? I mean, did I seem like an amateur, like I didn't know what I was doing? RATH We both know what you were doing. Bain moves close to the glass again, checking out Rath's gun. BAIN Smith and Wesson .22 with an eight inch silencer. Classic. When I first heard you used that, I thought, shit, that's a lady's gun. Now, it's all I use. Clean, real clean. He looks at the gun, still trained at the floor. BAIN Would you really blow us? Rath does not have to answer. BAIN Oh! I got a question. Jesus, this has been driving me crazy for years -- shit, listen to me. I sound like some fucking fanboy. I'm sorry, but I just got to ask you. Everybody talks about how you left the Agency and got into the business and then how you went after the Russian, Nicholai Talinkov -- RATH Tachlinkov. BAIN Yeah, that's it. And he's like a fucking genius. They said he shaded you over and over. And in the end, he aced you again. Shaded and faded. They say he's living on some Greek island, but I say that's fucking bullshit. I say you're the best and that you planted his ass. Am I right? Rath says nothing. BAIN I bet I'm right. The car passes under a sign indicating the ramp for the Cleveland airport. BAIN Robert Bain, driving me! Jesus fucking Christ! RATH After those cops, you'll never be able to come back to Cleveland. BAIN Who the fuck cares about Cleveland. Cleveland blows. What kind of marks have they got here? Greasy mobster, teamster or some hand job politician. I want the money marks. I want the marks that you get. A long beat of silence. The CAB RUMBLES up onto the "departures" ramp which circles past all of the terminals. BAIN So what happens now? RATH We go around once. BAIN Bullshit. He throws off his seatbelt. BAIN You tell me that we're gonna go around once, then, while I'm checking out the lay of the land, you bail out and send me flying over the bridge. Right? Am I right? Rath doesn't answer, studying the terminals, noting the police and airport security. Rath studies the terrain. Bain studies Rath. Soon they have passed the entire airport. Rath nods. Steering the car through traffic in onto a circle interchange that will bring them to the beginning. Bain wipes the sweat from his face. RATH Okay. BAIN What? What's okay? Rath begins to accelerate, rounding the interchange. BAIN What are you doing? RATH There's a sand barricade up ahead; I'm going to ram this cab into it. The cab has an airbag, odds are good I'll survive. But with this steel casing and bullet proof glass, odds for you are not so good. Bain laughs. BAIN Oh man, that's sweet. That's fucking sweet. The speedometer continues to climb. BAIN You're bluffing. Rath says nothing. Ahead, at the ramp to the terminals, is the sand barricade. BAIN You're fucking with me. You want me to jump. I jump, you hit the brakes and bang -- Game over. The cab is flying at its target. BAIN No, no. Wait. You don't want me to jump. You're going to jump. I'm stuck back here until it's too late. Wham -- over! RATH I know you're going to jump. Bain looks at him and then at the barricade. RATH You're still young. Young enough to still think you're indestructible. Invincible. You believe with utter certainty you can bail out at the last second and survive. The barricade hurtles toward them, rising up, filling the windshield. RATH If you do survive, we'll see each other again. Bain screams, throwing open the door and hurling himself out. Rath jams on the brakes, TIRES SCREAMING, steering into the steel side rail, banking the car into the drums of sand as -- Bain hits the pavement, bouncing like a stone skipped across water. A driver hits his brakes, swerving, just missing him. SAND EXPLODES from the impact and the cab bounces up over the median into the bus-only lanes as the driver's airbag balloons out of the steering wheel. Bain rolls and rolls, finally stopping sprawled out like a piece of roadkill. The cab careens up onto a curb, slamming into a pole, the radiator spitting out a cloud of WHISTLING STEAM. Several cars lock up and collide to avoid Bain; one car stopping inches from him. A woman jumps out, rushing to the front of the car, but Bain is gone. Police CARS ROAR up into the midst of the accident. One of them pulling alongside the demolished cab. The door is open, the airbag popped. Rath is gone. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY A large six flat leans out from a hill in San Francisco. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT - DAY The apartment is always dark; heavy drapes cover the windows. The dining and living rooms look like the control booth of a network television show, stacks of video monitors and consoles, cables, electric wiring, coils of fiber optic cord duct-taped to the floors, walls and ceilings. They snake through holes punched in the plaster walls and hang everywhere like some technological jungle. At the center of this tangled web is ELECTRA, a beautiful athletic looking woman wearing only her underwear and a worn robe. She is curled up in an overstuffed chair, a bowl of popcorn in her lap. On the monitors, she is watching what at first might be mistaken for a soap opera; a young couple are having an argument. What is strange is that the angle never changes; a fish- eye lens staring down into the room. MAN (V.O.) I don't give a shit what your mother thinks. I'm not sleeping with your mother, I'm sleeping with you. WOMAN (V.O.) You won't be for long, with that attitude. MAN (V.O.) Jesus, Jennifer, if you're so god damned worried about your mother's approval, why don't you move back home so she can pat you on the head when you do something right. ELECTRA Jerk. Jennifer is too stunned to say anything. There is a long pause that is not at all like television. It seems very real. She starts to say something, but stops, trying to keep herself from crying. MAN (V.O.) Oh good. Go ahead and cry. JENNIFER (WOMAN) (V.O.) Would you please leave? Electra lifts her head, smelling the air. ELECTRA Mmm, smell that, Nikita? Nikita, Electra's black cat, is stretched lazily across the top of a chair, her tail twitching absently. Every corner of the chair has been clawed open. Electra reaches for the control board and throws a series of switches. The monitors flicker as the image changes. We are now looking down into a kitchen. A stove is beneath us, almost like a cooking show, where a round woman is taking out a tray of chocolate chip cookies. Electra smells them again, smiling as she inhales. ELECTRA I hope she saves some for us. There is a BANG, a DOOR SLAMMING in another apartment, and a MAN YELLING. Electra switches back to Jennifer's apartment. The man is still in the living room, but Jennifer is gone. MAN (V.O.) Do you think slamming doors is going to help work this out? Electra punches a command into a keyboard. Several of the screens change, showing different rooms of the same apartment. Jennifer is in the bedroom, lying on the bed sobbing, her face buried in a pillow. MAN (V.O.) I can slam doors too! We hear the front DOOR SLAM in the hall outside of Electra's apartment and through the monitor speakers. His stomping FOOTSTEPS FADE as he storms down the hall and staircase out of the building. Electra switches all of the screens to Jennifer. She watches and listens to her cry alone in her bedroom. Electra reaches out; her fingers lightly touch the monitor screen. INT. APARTMENT HALL Electra's front door opens slowly. Timidly, she steps out of her apartment and walks down the hall until she is standing in front of Jennifer's door. She starts to knock, but stops herself. She isn't sure she should do this. She paces, then turns to the door. She knocks, so softly it's almost impossible to hear. She stands, trying to force herself to knock again, when she hears Jennifer. JENNIFER (O.S.) Hello? Ken, is that you? Electra panics. The door knob turns, the door opens and JENNIFER looks out into the hall. It is empty. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT On the monitors, Electra watches Jennifer pick up the phone. JENNIFER (V.O.) Hi, Mom, it's me. Ken and I just had a big fight. Electra's PAGER suddenly SOUNDS. She shuts down the screens and pulls out the pager, checking the number. ELECTRA Crap. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT There is a system set up that is not unlike Rath's system; all of the same components, though the equipment is bigger, more powerful and less portable. On a table there is a bank of phones, several cellular. Electra is talking on one. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra, they are not paying you to sit at home and watch television. Electra is fiddling with five plastic computer disks; each has a MicroCell trademark and is labeled "Back-Up." ELECTRA I wasn't watching television. WOMAN (V.O.) The point is, they are paying for information. Real information. Not tooth paste brands. Not whether he wads of folds his toilet paper. And no 16 hours of recorded phone sex. You are wasting everyone's time with this shit. ELECTRA I thought it was interesting -- WOMAN (V.O.) God damnit, Electra. This is not a game. This is business. ELECTRA Right. In my hands I have five back-up disks he made of all of his work last night. WOMAN (V.O.) Jesus! Why didn't you tell me? ELECTRA I'll make my usual arrangements and expect my usual bonus. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra -- ELECTRA A pleasure doing business with you. She hangs up. INT. LOBBY Electra comes down the stairs. Outside the large glass door she sees KEN, Jennifer's boyfriend, leaving. On the lobby floor is a letter, apparently slipped under the door, addressed to Jennifer Morgan. Electra looks out the front door window, making sure that Ken is gone. She picks up the letter and stuffs it into her pocket. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is at his computer system. He is staring at it, like it is a living thing, a person that he despises, the blank screen reflecting his own face. It is an effort to bring himself to touch the keyboard, to type in his code. He waits. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Hello, Robert. Rath wants to type something but hesitates. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know what happened. RATH I bet you fucking know! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN It cost us. Rath jumps out of his chair, screaming at the screen. RATH I give a fuck? I'm done! I quit! Do you fucking hear me! I'm fucking gone! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN He stole another contract. Rath turns from the monitor, pacing. Trying to collect himself. RATH I'm being set up. Fucking set up! He looks at the chess board. He hovers over it, the pattern completely familiar. RATH Is this how it went, Nick? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Robert? Robert? Rath turns back to the screen, speaking as he types. RATH/SCREEN How did he know? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Know what? RATH/SCREEN The fucking contract! How in the fuck did he know. A long beat. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Such language in front of a lady. Rath still talking and typing. RATH/SCREEN I don't know what the fuck you are. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know. It was a joke. Rath stands, no longer typing. RATH A joke? A joke? Rath takes out his gun and levels it at the face of the screen. RATH You think this is a fucking joke? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN $1,000,000. Rath looks at the number. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN That's the bonus on the contract. Rath puts the gun down. RATH/SCREEN Deadline? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Tomorrow. The buyer is Japanese. His retirement a condition of the bonus. The FAX MACHINE COMES TO LIFE, printing an inky image. RATH/SCREEN Who is the mark? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Freelancer. A woman. Surveillance specialist. RATH A player? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN We have an M.O... Her system is protected by her 'pussy virus.' Rath looks at the fax; almost entirely black except for the wide, slit-iris cat eyes. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY There is a SCREECH and BLAST of ENGINES as a 747 touches down, heat rising off the tarmac. INT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY Several passengers walk through the gate into the terminal. Across from the gate, Rath sits in a grungy airport cafeteria, reading a folded paper. He is wearing an airport security uniform, a gun holstered to his side. Taped inside the newspaper is a faxed Interpol photograph of a Japanese man wanted for "industrial espionage." At the gate, five Japanese men emerge. Leading the group is the man in Rath's photo. The other four are obviously muscle. Rath watches as they walk down the crowded terminal hall. When they are almost out of sight, he folds his newspaper and begins to follow. His pace and manner is that of a cautious predator. His focus shifts continually from face to face, expecting to find Bain's. His hand hovers near his gun. Ahead of him a thin young man, wearing a long blue trench coat, stops. Rath cannot see his face. The man starts toward a drinking fountain. Rath catches a glimpse of his face. It could be Bain, but he isn't sure. The young man bends over and slurps at the stream of water. He rises into the barrel of Rath's .22. A mouthful of water coughs from his mouth. It is not Bain and in the next instant, the gun is gone. RATH Sorry. My mistake. Rath continues. They young man is unable to move. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY The five men stride through the automated terminal doors and towards a waiting limousine. Further down, Rath, now wearing a black T-shirt and jeans, exits and hails a cab. INT. CAB RATH Hi. Up ahead my boss is in that black limo. We're not sure which hotel we're at, so could you just follow them? CABBY Sure. Rath sits back studying the faces exiting the terminal as the cab pulls away. INT. LIMOUSINE The five men sit in silence. Strangely, a PHONE begins to RING. The older man, whose name is AKIRA, opens his briefcase, removing a cellular phone. AKIRA Hello? We hear Electra's voice. She speaks in Japanese; he uses English. ELECTRA (V.O.) I trust your flight was comfortable? AKIRA Your Japanese is excellent. ELECTRA (V.O.) Tell the driver: the Hyatt Hotel. INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY Electra is pacing, talking into the cellular phone. ELECTRA I'll call you again in twenty minutes. She punches a button and shoves the antennae down. The hotel room looks like her apartment. There is a computer and a series of monitors stacked on top of the wood laminate desk. Cables whip and wind across the carpeted floor to the central air duct. The panel has been removed and intertwined black and gray coaxial run up inside the duct. Immediately, Electra is busy finishing her preparations. She snaps in several power cords and the system comes on- line. On the monitor screen, we see an empty hotel room that looks exactly like the one she is in. INT. CAB Rath stares out the window, watching the surrounding traffic, the limo still in sight. Something occurs to him and he looks down at the folded newspaper where he had hid the contract file. He flips past several documents before finding what he's looking for; the cat. He pulls the dark fax of Nikita and stares at it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Laying on the bed, in a patch of sunlight, Nikita watches Electra rush about. Electra grabs the sheet from under the comforter and yanks it out. ELECTRA Excuse me, your Highness. Nikita casually walks off the bed. Electra takes the sheet to the open duct and tears off a long piece of duct-tape. EXT. HYATT HOTEL The limousine pulls up in the lavish circular driveway. The cab pulls in behind it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra checks her watch and picks up the cellular phone. INT. HYATT LOBBY The Japanese men stand in a cluster looking very rigid and uncomfortable. The BRIEFCASE RINGS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is pacing again. ELECTRA Room 1414. INT. HYATT LOBBY With several other guests, the Japanese men crowd into an elevator. The doors close. Across the lobby, Rath enters, walking past the elevators. INT. ELEVATOR As the elevator rises, we begin to hear a SOUND, a familiar sound. Cramped in the corner is Bain. He is PLAYING "TETRIS," wearing dark sunglasses and a WALKMAN PUMPING SPEED METAL into his ears. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra continues to pace, checking the monitors. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN At the switchboard, a YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE wearing an operator's headset, takes a late breakfast order, typing the order in the hotel computer. YOUNG MAN (YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE) Yes, sir. That'll be up in about thirty minutes. You're welcome. He turns around and Rath is right behind him. INT. ELEVATOR The fourteenth floor; the BELL CHIMES, the doors slide open and the clump of Japanese men get out. Just as the doors begin to close, Bain steps out. INT. HALL Bain follows them down the hall, still PLAYING the GAME. There is again an ominous sense of predator moving in on its prey. As Akira finds 1414 and opens the door, another door burst open, a large family, heading for the pool. The moment is gone; the Japanese men close the door and Bain continues down the hall again, PLAYING the GAME. INT. HOTEL SUITE When the Japanese men enter the suite, we realize that this is the image on Electra's monitors. Surveillance camcorders and microphones are mounted in various locations to display every inch of the room. The group hesitates for a moment, under the electronic eyes. The four goons have their hands in their jackets. A small LAPTOP COMPUTER sits on the coffee table HUMMING SOFTLY. It is the only noise in the room until a speaker crackles. ELECTRA/SPEAKER (V.O.) Good morning, gentlemen. I apologize for the arrangement, but we all know those aren't business cards you're reaching for. If anyone leaves this room, the deal's off. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN The operator is unconscious, slumped in the corner. Rath studies the hotel computer screen intently, the information rolling by. We see that it is the previous night's room service receipts. RATH One vegetarian plate and a can of tuna fish. Room 1014. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stands in front of the monitors watching the men as she speaks into the microphone. ELECTRA Ten thousand dollars per disk. Insert the first disk now. On the monitor, we see Akira at the coffee table shove the first disk into the laptop disk drive. INT. HOTEL SUITE Akira turns from the small computer screen and nods at a goon, who drops a green brick of bound one hundred dollar bills, down the central air duct. The little clock on the laptop ticks away as it copies. INT. HYATT HALL Bain is sitting on a bench entrenched in a fevered game of "TETRIS." Suddenly, he stops. BAIN Yes! The display of the game reads "Game Over" and congratulates Bain on a new high score. Bain stands, smiling. He puts the game in his pocket and starts down the hall. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is crouched at the open duct, grabbing another stack of money, stuffing it into her bag. A LOUD BANG EXPLODES out of the SPEAKERS and she looks up at the monitor. INT. HOTEL SUITE The lock on the door has been broken and standing in the frame is Bain. BAIN Surprise! He raises his arm, his GUN spitting SILENT BULLETS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stares in horror at the monitors as Bain grabs the nearest bodyguard, FIRING a SHOT into his belly. ELECTRA Oh, God. INT. HOTEL SUITE Another SHOT and the second bodyguard falls. The other two draw their handguns and Bain shields himself with the lifeless body of his first victim. They FIRE at Bain but are unable to hit him. Bain squeezes off TWO MORE SHOTS and the two men fall dead. He lets his human shield fall to the ground and levels his gun on the shaking Akira. AKIRA Don't kill me. Bain looks at him and smiles, then FIRES. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra leaps at the computer, ripping the cord from the modem. Bain sees the fiber optic cable and looks right into it. BAIN (V.O.) Tricky. Boy, you just can't trust anyone these days. He licks the lens, leaving a smear of saliva. She stuffs the disks into her bag. She puts Nikita in her "travel kitty" and charges for the door, grabbing her coat. Flinging it over her shoulder, she does not notice the letter from Ken slip out of her pocket as she bolts from the room. INT. HALL Electra explodes through the door and suddenly freezes. She is staring down the barrel of Rath's .22. RATH Don't be stupid and you will live. The elevator behind Rath opens and closes against a hotel lobby ashtray. He waves her into the elevator with his gun. RATH Hurry. EXT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY Electra's black CAR ROARS out of the garage, onto the open street. INT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY The door swings open. From the hall we can hear the familiar BEEPING of the COMPUTER GAME. The room, 1014, is the same as Electra had left it when she ran out. Jutting from a shadow on the floor is the corner of Ken's letter. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Electra drives, obviously nervous, as Rath watches out the rear window. RATH Turn here. No one follows. He turns back to her. RATH How many bodies were there? He checks his watch. ELECTRA What? RATH He has to clean up. How many bodies were there? ELECTRA Um, five. RATH One hour per man. Rath sets the timer on his watch for five hours. INT. HYATT HOTEL ROOM - DAY Bain has returned to room 1414. Wearing rubber gloves, he clicks open a black leather attache and pulls out a can of rug cleaner. He picks up the phone for room service. BAIN Hi. This is room 1414 -- Behind him, in the bathroom mirror, we see one of the Japanese men hanging from the shower by his feet. He is naked. BAIN Yes, could you send up a pot of coffee and my friends are going to need some more towels. Thanks. He hangs up the phone and walks over to one of the large blood stains on the carpet. He points the rug cleaner at the stain covering it with white foam. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Rath sees the entrance for the expressway. RATH Get on the expressway. ELECTRA Where are we going? Rath glances back. RATH Nowhere yet. Electra turns onto the highway and NIKITA HOWLS from the "travel kitty" in the back seat. ELECTRA Nikita, hush. NIKITA wants out and HOWLS again. ELECTRA She won't stop unless you let her out. Rath reaches back and opens the box. Nikita springs into the front seat onto Rath's lap. RATH Nikita? She helped me find you. ELECTRA What? How did you know I had a cat? RATH Took a guess. Lucky for you, I guessed right. ELECTRA Who the fuck are you? Who do you work for? RATH I work for the government. ELECTRA Yeah? She studies his face, his eyes. ELECTRA Bullshit. RATH Yeah. ELECTRA You're one of them, aren't you? A fucking pro. RATH I'm part of the game, just like you. Electra pounds the steering wheel. ELECTRA Jesus! He reaches into the back seat, grabbing her bag. ELECTRA What do you think you're doing? Rath plucks out the bundles of money. RATH Twenty large? That's all? ELECTRA What do you mean, 'that's all'? What in the hell do you know? RATH The bonus on the contract for you was one million dollars. Electra seems ready to jump out of her skin. The speedometer is floating around 90. RATH Slow down. He pulls out the disks. RATH I figure that means these are worth ten times that, maybe more. ELECTRA Ten million -- RATH Now you understand

mocker

How many times the word 'mocker' appears in the text?

BAIN What? RATH What restaurant? BAIN Uh, Fontella's RATH So you're from around here? BAIN No. No I'm not. Bain is getting agitated. RATH Where you from? BAIN What is this? RATH Not too good at small talk, eh? BAIN Look, I'm real tired and I'm not interested in fucking chit-chat. RATH I know just what you mean. I'm pretty beat myself. Silence. RATH Since you looked like a waiter, I had to ask what restaurant because of what happened at the Trattoria Roma. Bain looks up. BAIN Why? What happened? RATH Didn't you here all them sirens? It's been all over the radio. Some guy shot Leevio Valli, and a bunch of bystanders, in the Trattoria Roma. BAIN No shit. RATH Yeah, it's terrible. I mean Valli, and I don't care what office he's running for, the guy's a crook. He probably had it coming, but all the other people. Real sad. BAIN Yeah. RATH But they caught the guy. I heard it all. Sounded like he just went berserk, fucking loco. Shooting anybody. Drugs, probably. BAIN Probably. RATH I'd love to sit in that jury. Send that S.O.B. right to the chair. Bain allows himself a bemused smile. BAIN Sizzle lean. The cab passes the intersection for the airport. Bain sits up. BAIN What are you doing? RATH What? BAIN That was Peterson back there. That goes to the expressway for the airport. RATH You're right. Talking too much again. BAIN Yeah well, you just blew your tip, pal. RATH What? You think I'm running you up? BAIN Just do your job. Rath pulls over and slaps the cab in park. BAIN What are you doing? RATH Get out. You think I'm running you up? Get out. BAIN You can't -- RATH The hell I can't. It's my cab. I don't like you. So, get the hell out! Bain can't figure out what is wrong, when he sees the dashboard and the missing ID. Their eyes meet in the rearview mirror. BAIN Holy fucking shit! The cab rocks as both men move. Instantly guns fill their hands. Bain ripping out a .357 lifted from one of the dead cops. Rath rolls to the side whipping the gun free from his jacket. Bain throws open the door, about to run, but stops. He looks at Rath. He wants him to run. Anyone who moves away from the bullet proof glass is dead. Both men are silent, each holding the other in their gun sights. Bain blinks, sweat forming on his lip. BAIN I get out, you got me. Bain reaches over and closes the door. He smiles knowing it is the right move. BAIN Now what? Rath calmly uncocks his gun. RATH We're both going to the airport. Bain nods. RATH Sit back. Put your seatbelt on. BAIN No fucking way. RATH Okay, don't. Bain thinks. RATH If either of us fucks around, the other can blow the fuel line. He points his gun at the floor where the fuel line runs. Bain sits back, aiming his gun, watching Rath. Rath eases back into the driver's seat, also holding his gun on the fuel line. He puts the car into drive and slides back into traffic, turning back towards Peterson. They sit in silence, studying each other, when they hit the expressway. Bain can't contain himself, giddy on adrenaline. BAIN Jesus -- I'm being driven to the airport by Robert Rath. He laughs. BAIN I can't believe this. You rolled some cabby for the radio, then waited for an airport fare. He laughs again. BAIN Boy, that's fucking genius. You're a fucking genius. Then you're just sitting there, bullshitting with me. Man, no way I coulda done that! RATH What's your name? We both know it's not Nicholai. BAIN Holy shit! Robert Rath wants to know my name. He leans back. This is a big moment for him. BAIN Bain. Michael Bain. RATH How long have you been freelance? BAIN Two years. Two long fucking years. Something occurs to him and he leans close to the window. BAIN Hey. What I don't get was why didn't you take the shot inside the restaurant? I mean you had me, a free shot. That's what I would have done. RATH It's just a shoot-out then. Sixty- forty, at best. Not my odds. BAIN Sounds like chickenshit -- He laughs hard. BAIN Listen to me calling you chickenshit! He stops laughing and looks closely at the back of Rath's head. BAIN Is that a wig? Shit, I hate wigs! Wigs are the worst part of this job. I'd rather dye my hair than wear a wig. Rath studies him. RATH You're wearing a wig now. Bain chokes on his laugh. BAIN God damn are you good. Everyone says you're so fucking good. I just can't believe I'm still alive. If I believed in God, I'd be down on my knees. Right now -- Hey, how come you just didn't plug us all when we came through the door? Rath does not answer. Bain smiles. He knows something about Rath now; he doesn't like killing innocent people. BAIN Shit if I was you, back there -- He holds his gun up to the bulletproof glass behind Rath's head. BAIN Game over. He laughs. BAIN Do you mind if I ask you a couple of business questions? You know I was wondering how much you bid this job at? Rath says nothing. BAIN You don't have to tell me that. It's just, I know my bid was low, but was it too low? I mean, did I seem like an amateur, like I didn't know what I was doing? RATH We both know what you were doing. Bain moves close to the glass again, checking out Rath's gun. BAIN Smith and Wesson .22 with an eight inch silencer. Classic. When I first heard you used that, I thought, shit, that's a lady's gun. Now, it's all I use. Clean, real clean. He looks at the gun, still trained at the floor. BAIN Would you really blow us? Rath does not have to answer. BAIN Oh! I got a question. Jesus, this has been driving me crazy for years -- shit, listen to me. I sound like some fucking fanboy. I'm sorry, but I just got to ask you. Everybody talks about how you left the Agency and got into the business and then how you went after the Russian, Nicholai Talinkov -- RATH Tachlinkov. BAIN Yeah, that's it. And he's like a fucking genius. They said he shaded you over and over. And in the end, he aced you again. Shaded and faded. They say he's living on some Greek island, but I say that's fucking bullshit. I say you're the best and that you planted his ass. Am I right? Rath says nothing. BAIN I bet I'm right. The car passes under a sign indicating the ramp for the Cleveland airport. BAIN Robert Bain, driving me! Jesus fucking Christ! RATH After those cops, you'll never be able to come back to Cleveland. BAIN Who the fuck cares about Cleveland. Cleveland blows. What kind of marks have they got here? Greasy mobster, teamster or some hand job politician. I want the money marks. I want the marks that you get. A long beat of silence. The CAB RUMBLES up onto the "departures" ramp which circles past all of the terminals. BAIN So what happens now? RATH We go around once. BAIN Bullshit. He throws off his seatbelt. BAIN You tell me that we're gonna go around once, then, while I'm checking out the lay of the land, you bail out and send me flying over the bridge. Right? Am I right? Rath doesn't answer, studying the terminals, noting the police and airport security. Rath studies the terrain. Bain studies Rath. Soon they have passed the entire airport. Rath nods. Steering the car through traffic in onto a circle interchange that will bring them to the beginning. Bain wipes the sweat from his face. RATH Okay. BAIN What? What's okay? Rath begins to accelerate, rounding the interchange. BAIN What are you doing? RATH There's a sand barricade up ahead; I'm going to ram this cab into it. The cab has an airbag, odds are good I'll survive. But with this steel casing and bullet proof glass, odds for you are not so good. Bain laughs. BAIN Oh man, that's sweet. That's fucking sweet. The speedometer continues to climb. BAIN You're bluffing. Rath says nothing. Ahead, at the ramp to the terminals, is the sand barricade. BAIN You're fucking with me. You want me to jump. I jump, you hit the brakes and bang -- Game over. The cab is flying at its target. BAIN No, no. Wait. You don't want me to jump. You're going to jump. I'm stuck back here until it's too late. Wham -- over! RATH I know you're going to jump. Bain looks at him and then at the barricade. RATH You're still young. Young enough to still think you're indestructible. Invincible. You believe with utter certainty you can bail out at the last second and survive. The barricade hurtles toward them, rising up, filling the windshield. RATH If you do survive, we'll see each other again. Bain screams, throwing open the door and hurling himself out. Rath jams on the brakes, TIRES SCREAMING, steering into the steel side rail, banking the car into the drums of sand as -- Bain hits the pavement, bouncing like a stone skipped across water. A driver hits his brakes, swerving, just missing him. SAND EXPLODES from the impact and the cab bounces up over the median into the bus-only lanes as the driver's airbag balloons out of the steering wheel. Bain rolls and rolls, finally stopping sprawled out like a piece of roadkill. The cab careens up onto a curb, slamming into a pole, the radiator spitting out a cloud of WHISTLING STEAM. Several cars lock up and collide to avoid Bain; one car stopping inches from him. A woman jumps out, rushing to the front of the car, but Bain is gone. Police CARS ROAR up into the midst of the accident. One of them pulling alongside the demolished cab. The door is open, the airbag popped. Rath is gone. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY A large six flat leans out from a hill in San Francisco. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT - DAY The apartment is always dark; heavy drapes cover the windows. The dining and living rooms look like the control booth of a network television show, stacks of video monitors and consoles, cables, electric wiring, coils of fiber optic cord duct-taped to the floors, walls and ceilings. They snake through holes punched in the plaster walls and hang everywhere like some technological jungle. At the center of this tangled web is ELECTRA, a beautiful athletic looking woman wearing only her underwear and a worn robe. She is curled up in an overstuffed chair, a bowl of popcorn in her lap. On the monitors, she is watching what at first might be mistaken for a soap opera; a young couple are having an argument. What is strange is that the angle never changes; a fish- eye lens staring down into the room. MAN (V.O.) I don't give a shit what your mother thinks. I'm not sleeping with your mother, I'm sleeping with you. WOMAN (V.O.) You won't be for long, with that attitude. MAN (V.O.) Jesus, Jennifer, if you're so god damned worried about your mother's approval, why don't you move back home so she can pat you on the head when you do something right. ELECTRA Jerk. Jennifer is too stunned to say anything. There is a long pause that is not at all like television. It seems very real. She starts to say something, but stops, trying to keep herself from crying. MAN (V.O.) Oh good. Go ahead and cry. JENNIFER (WOMAN) (V.O.) Would you please leave? Electra lifts her head, smelling the air. ELECTRA Mmm, smell that, Nikita? Nikita, Electra's black cat, is stretched lazily across the top of a chair, her tail twitching absently. Every corner of the chair has been clawed open. Electra reaches for the control board and throws a series of switches. The monitors flicker as the image changes. We are now looking down into a kitchen. A stove is beneath us, almost like a cooking show, where a round woman is taking out a tray of chocolate chip cookies. Electra smells them again, smiling as she inhales. ELECTRA I hope she saves some for us. There is a BANG, a DOOR SLAMMING in another apartment, and a MAN YELLING. Electra switches back to Jennifer's apartment. The man is still in the living room, but Jennifer is gone. MAN (V.O.) Do you think slamming doors is going to help work this out? Electra punches a command into a keyboard. Several of the screens change, showing different rooms of the same apartment. Jennifer is in the bedroom, lying on the bed sobbing, her face buried in a pillow. MAN (V.O.) I can slam doors too! We hear the front DOOR SLAM in the hall outside of Electra's apartment and through the monitor speakers. His stomping FOOTSTEPS FADE as he storms down the hall and staircase out of the building. Electra switches all of the screens to Jennifer. She watches and listens to her cry alone in her bedroom. Electra reaches out; her fingers lightly touch the monitor screen. INT. APARTMENT HALL Electra's front door opens slowly. Timidly, she steps out of her apartment and walks down the hall until she is standing in front of Jennifer's door. She starts to knock, but stops herself. She isn't sure she should do this. She paces, then turns to the door. She knocks, so softly it's almost impossible to hear. She stands, trying to force herself to knock again, when she hears Jennifer. JENNIFER (O.S.) Hello? Ken, is that you? Electra panics. The door knob turns, the door opens and JENNIFER looks out into the hall. It is empty. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT On the monitors, Electra watches Jennifer pick up the phone. JENNIFER (V.O.) Hi, Mom, it's me. Ken and I just had a big fight. Electra's PAGER suddenly SOUNDS. She shuts down the screens and pulls out the pager, checking the number. ELECTRA Crap. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT There is a system set up that is not unlike Rath's system; all of the same components, though the equipment is bigger, more powerful and less portable. On a table there is a bank of phones, several cellular. Electra is talking on one. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra, they are not paying you to sit at home and watch television. Electra is fiddling with five plastic computer disks; each has a MicroCell trademark and is labeled "Back-Up." ELECTRA I wasn't watching television. WOMAN (V.O.) The point is, they are paying for information. Real information. Not tooth paste brands. Not whether he wads of folds his toilet paper. And no 16 hours of recorded phone sex. You are wasting everyone's time with this shit. ELECTRA I thought it was interesting -- WOMAN (V.O.) God damnit, Electra. This is not a game. This is business. ELECTRA Right. In my hands I have five back-up disks he made of all of his work last night. WOMAN (V.O.) Jesus! Why didn't you tell me? ELECTRA I'll make my usual arrangements and expect my usual bonus. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra -- ELECTRA A pleasure doing business with you. She hangs up. INT. LOBBY Electra comes down the stairs. Outside the large glass door she sees KEN, Jennifer's boyfriend, leaving. On the lobby floor is a letter, apparently slipped under the door, addressed to Jennifer Morgan. Electra looks out the front door window, making sure that Ken is gone. She picks up the letter and stuffs it into her pocket. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is at his computer system. He is staring at it, like it is a living thing, a person that he despises, the blank screen reflecting his own face. It is an effort to bring himself to touch the keyboard, to type in his code. He waits. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Hello, Robert. Rath wants to type something but hesitates. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know what happened. RATH I bet you fucking know! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN It cost us. Rath jumps out of his chair, screaming at the screen. RATH I give a fuck? I'm done! I quit! Do you fucking hear me! I'm fucking gone! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN He stole another contract. Rath turns from the monitor, pacing. Trying to collect himself. RATH I'm being set up. Fucking set up! He looks at the chess board. He hovers over it, the pattern completely familiar. RATH Is this how it went, Nick? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Robert? Robert? Rath turns back to the screen, speaking as he types. RATH/SCREEN How did he know? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Know what? RATH/SCREEN The fucking contract! How in the fuck did he know. A long beat. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Such language in front of a lady. Rath still talking and typing. RATH/SCREEN I don't know what the fuck you are. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know. It was a joke. Rath stands, no longer typing. RATH A joke? A joke? Rath takes out his gun and levels it at the face of the screen. RATH You think this is a fucking joke? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN $1,000,000. Rath looks at the number. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN That's the bonus on the contract. Rath puts the gun down. RATH/SCREEN Deadline? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Tomorrow. The buyer is Japanese. His retirement a condition of the bonus. The FAX MACHINE COMES TO LIFE, printing an inky image. RATH/SCREEN Who is the mark? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Freelancer. A woman. Surveillance specialist. RATH A player? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN We have an M.O... Her system is protected by her 'pussy virus.' Rath looks at the fax; almost entirely black except for the wide, slit-iris cat eyes. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY There is a SCREECH and BLAST of ENGINES as a 747 touches down, heat rising off the tarmac. INT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY Several passengers walk through the gate into the terminal. Across from the gate, Rath sits in a grungy airport cafeteria, reading a folded paper. He is wearing an airport security uniform, a gun holstered to his side. Taped inside the newspaper is a faxed Interpol photograph of a Japanese man wanted for "industrial espionage." At the gate, five Japanese men emerge. Leading the group is the man in Rath's photo. The other four are obviously muscle. Rath watches as they walk down the crowded terminal hall. When they are almost out of sight, he folds his newspaper and begins to follow. His pace and manner is that of a cautious predator. His focus shifts continually from face to face, expecting to find Bain's. His hand hovers near his gun. Ahead of him a thin young man, wearing a long blue trench coat, stops. Rath cannot see his face. The man starts toward a drinking fountain. Rath catches a glimpse of his face. It could be Bain, but he isn't sure. The young man bends over and slurps at the stream of water. He rises into the barrel of Rath's .22. A mouthful of water coughs from his mouth. It is not Bain and in the next instant, the gun is gone. RATH Sorry. My mistake. Rath continues. They young man is unable to move. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY The five men stride through the automated terminal doors and towards a waiting limousine. Further down, Rath, now wearing a black T-shirt and jeans, exits and hails a cab. INT. CAB RATH Hi. Up ahead my boss is in that black limo. We're not sure which hotel we're at, so could you just follow them? CABBY Sure. Rath sits back studying the faces exiting the terminal as the cab pulls away. INT. LIMOUSINE The five men sit in silence. Strangely, a PHONE begins to RING. The older man, whose name is AKIRA, opens his briefcase, removing a cellular phone. AKIRA Hello? We hear Electra's voice. She speaks in Japanese; he uses English. ELECTRA (V.O.) I trust your flight was comfortable? AKIRA Your Japanese is excellent. ELECTRA (V.O.) Tell the driver: the Hyatt Hotel. INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY Electra is pacing, talking into the cellular phone. ELECTRA I'll call you again in twenty minutes. She punches a button and shoves the antennae down. The hotel room looks like her apartment. There is a computer and a series of monitors stacked on top of the wood laminate desk. Cables whip and wind across the carpeted floor to the central air duct. The panel has been removed and intertwined black and gray coaxial run up inside the duct. Immediately, Electra is busy finishing her preparations. She snaps in several power cords and the system comes on- line. On the monitor screen, we see an empty hotel room that looks exactly like the one she is in. INT. CAB Rath stares out the window, watching the surrounding traffic, the limo still in sight. Something occurs to him and he looks down at the folded newspaper where he had hid the contract file. He flips past several documents before finding what he's looking for; the cat. He pulls the dark fax of Nikita and stares at it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Laying on the bed, in a patch of sunlight, Nikita watches Electra rush about. Electra grabs the sheet from under the comforter and yanks it out. ELECTRA Excuse me, your Highness. Nikita casually walks off the bed. Electra takes the sheet to the open duct and tears off a long piece of duct-tape. EXT. HYATT HOTEL The limousine pulls up in the lavish circular driveway. The cab pulls in behind it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra checks her watch and picks up the cellular phone. INT. HYATT LOBBY The Japanese men stand in a cluster looking very rigid and uncomfortable. The BRIEFCASE RINGS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is pacing again. ELECTRA Room 1414. INT. HYATT LOBBY With several other guests, the Japanese men crowd into an elevator. The doors close. Across the lobby, Rath enters, walking past the elevators. INT. ELEVATOR As the elevator rises, we begin to hear a SOUND, a familiar sound. Cramped in the corner is Bain. He is PLAYING "TETRIS," wearing dark sunglasses and a WALKMAN PUMPING SPEED METAL into his ears. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra continues to pace, checking the monitors. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN At the switchboard, a YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE wearing an operator's headset, takes a late breakfast order, typing the order in the hotel computer. YOUNG MAN (YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE) Yes, sir. That'll be up in about thirty minutes. You're welcome. He turns around and Rath is right behind him. INT. ELEVATOR The fourteenth floor; the BELL CHIMES, the doors slide open and the clump of Japanese men get out. Just as the doors begin to close, Bain steps out. INT. HALL Bain follows them down the hall, still PLAYING the GAME. There is again an ominous sense of predator moving in on its prey. As Akira finds 1414 and opens the door, another door burst open, a large family, heading for the pool. The moment is gone; the Japanese men close the door and Bain continues down the hall again, PLAYING the GAME. INT. HOTEL SUITE When the Japanese men enter the suite, we realize that this is the image on Electra's monitors. Surveillance camcorders and microphones are mounted in various locations to display every inch of the room. The group hesitates for a moment, under the electronic eyes. The four goons have their hands in their jackets. A small LAPTOP COMPUTER sits on the coffee table HUMMING SOFTLY. It is the only noise in the room until a speaker crackles. ELECTRA/SPEAKER (V.O.) Good morning, gentlemen. I apologize for the arrangement, but we all know those aren't business cards you're reaching for. If anyone leaves this room, the deal's off. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN The operator is unconscious, slumped in the corner. Rath studies the hotel computer screen intently, the information rolling by. We see that it is the previous night's room service receipts. RATH One vegetarian plate and a can of tuna fish. Room 1014. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stands in front of the monitors watching the men as she speaks into the microphone. ELECTRA Ten thousand dollars per disk. Insert the first disk now. On the monitor, we see Akira at the coffee table shove the first disk into the laptop disk drive. INT. HOTEL SUITE Akira turns from the small computer screen and nods at a goon, who drops a green brick of bound one hundred dollar bills, down the central air duct. The little clock on the laptop ticks away as it copies. INT. HYATT HALL Bain is sitting on a bench entrenched in a fevered game of "TETRIS." Suddenly, he stops. BAIN Yes! The display of the game reads "Game Over" and congratulates Bain on a new high score. Bain stands, smiling. He puts the game in his pocket and starts down the hall. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is crouched at the open duct, grabbing another stack of money, stuffing it into her bag. A LOUD BANG EXPLODES out of the SPEAKERS and she looks up at the monitor. INT. HOTEL SUITE The lock on the door has been broken and standing in the frame is Bain. BAIN Surprise! He raises his arm, his GUN spitting SILENT BULLETS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stares in horror at the monitors as Bain grabs the nearest bodyguard, FIRING a SHOT into his belly. ELECTRA Oh, God. INT. HOTEL SUITE Another SHOT and the second bodyguard falls. The other two draw their handguns and Bain shields himself with the lifeless body of his first victim. They FIRE at Bain but are unable to hit him. Bain squeezes off TWO MORE SHOTS and the two men fall dead. He lets his human shield fall to the ground and levels his gun on the shaking Akira. AKIRA Don't kill me. Bain looks at him and smiles, then FIRES. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra leaps at the computer, ripping the cord from the modem. Bain sees the fiber optic cable and looks right into it. BAIN (V.O.) Tricky. Boy, you just can't trust anyone these days. He licks the lens, leaving a smear of saliva. She stuffs the disks into her bag. She puts Nikita in her "travel kitty" and charges for the door, grabbing her coat. Flinging it over her shoulder, she does not notice the letter from Ken slip out of her pocket as she bolts from the room. INT. HALL Electra explodes through the door and suddenly freezes. She is staring down the barrel of Rath's .22. RATH Don't be stupid and you will live. The elevator behind Rath opens and closes against a hotel lobby ashtray. He waves her into the elevator with his gun. RATH Hurry. EXT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY Electra's black CAR ROARS out of the garage, onto the open street. INT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY The door swings open. From the hall we can hear the familiar BEEPING of the COMPUTER GAME. The room, 1014, is the same as Electra had left it when she ran out. Jutting from a shadow on the floor is the corner of Ken's letter. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Electra drives, obviously nervous, as Rath watches out the rear window. RATH Turn here. No one follows. He turns back to her. RATH How many bodies were there? He checks his watch. ELECTRA What? RATH He has to clean up. How many bodies were there? ELECTRA Um, five. RATH One hour per man. Rath sets the timer on his watch for five hours. INT. HYATT HOTEL ROOM - DAY Bain has returned to room 1414. Wearing rubber gloves, he clicks open a black leather attache and pulls out a can of rug cleaner. He picks up the phone for room service. BAIN Hi. This is room 1414 -- Behind him, in the bathroom mirror, we see one of the Japanese men hanging from the shower by his feet. He is naked. BAIN Yes, could you send up a pot of coffee and my friends are going to need some more towels. Thanks. He hangs up the phone and walks over to one of the large blood stains on the carpet. He points the rug cleaner at the stain covering it with white foam. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Rath sees the entrance for the expressway. RATH Get on the expressway. ELECTRA Where are we going? Rath glances back. RATH Nowhere yet. Electra turns onto the highway and NIKITA HOWLS from the "travel kitty" in the back seat. ELECTRA Nikita, hush. NIKITA wants out and HOWLS again. ELECTRA She won't stop unless you let her out. Rath reaches back and opens the box. Nikita springs into the front seat onto Rath's lap. RATH Nikita? She helped me find you. ELECTRA What? How did you know I had a cat? RATH Took a guess. Lucky for you, I guessed right. ELECTRA Who the fuck are you? Who do you work for? RATH I work for the government. ELECTRA Yeah? She studies his face, his eyes. ELECTRA Bullshit. RATH Yeah. ELECTRA You're one of them, aren't you? A fucking pro. RATH I'm part of the game, just like you. Electra pounds the steering wheel. ELECTRA Jesus! He reaches into the back seat, grabbing her bag. ELECTRA What do you think you're doing? Rath plucks out the bundles of money. RATH Twenty large? That's all? ELECTRA What do you mean, 'that's all'? What in the hell do you know? RATH The bonus on the contract for you was one million dollars. Electra seems ready to jump out of her skin. The speedometer is floating around 90. RATH Slow down. He pulls out the disks. RATH I figure that means these are worth ten times that, maybe more. ELECTRA Ten million -- RATH Now you understand

going

How many times the word 'going' appears in the text?

BAIN What? RATH What restaurant? BAIN Uh, Fontella's RATH So you're from around here? BAIN No. No I'm not. Bain is getting agitated. RATH Where you from? BAIN What is this? RATH Not too good at small talk, eh? BAIN Look, I'm real tired and I'm not interested in fucking chit-chat. RATH I know just what you mean. I'm pretty beat myself. Silence. RATH Since you looked like a waiter, I had to ask what restaurant because of what happened at the Trattoria Roma. Bain looks up. BAIN Why? What happened? RATH Didn't you here all them sirens? It's been all over the radio. Some guy shot Leevio Valli, and a bunch of bystanders, in the Trattoria Roma. BAIN No shit. RATH Yeah, it's terrible. I mean Valli, and I don't care what office he's running for, the guy's a crook. He probably had it coming, but all the other people. Real sad. BAIN Yeah. RATH But they caught the guy. I heard it all. Sounded like he just went berserk, fucking loco. Shooting anybody. Drugs, probably. BAIN Probably. RATH I'd love to sit in that jury. Send that S.O.B. right to the chair. Bain allows himself a bemused smile. BAIN Sizzle lean. The cab passes the intersection for the airport. Bain sits up. BAIN What are you doing? RATH What? BAIN That was Peterson back there. That goes to the expressway for the airport. RATH You're right. Talking too much again. BAIN Yeah well, you just blew your tip, pal. RATH What? You think I'm running you up? BAIN Just do your job. Rath pulls over and slaps the cab in park. BAIN What are you doing? RATH Get out. You think I'm running you up? Get out. BAIN You can't -- RATH The hell I can't. It's my cab. I don't like you. So, get the hell out! Bain can't figure out what is wrong, when he sees the dashboard and the missing ID. Their eyes meet in the rearview mirror. BAIN Holy fucking shit! The cab rocks as both men move. Instantly guns fill their hands. Bain ripping out a .357 lifted from one of the dead cops. Rath rolls to the side whipping the gun free from his jacket. Bain throws open the door, about to run, but stops. He looks at Rath. He wants him to run. Anyone who moves away from the bullet proof glass is dead. Both men are silent, each holding the other in their gun sights. Bain blinks, sweat forming on his lip. BAIN I get out, you got me. Bain reaches over and closes the door. He smiles knowing it is the right move. BAIN Now what? Rath calmly uncocks his gun. RATH We're both going to the airport. Bain nods. RATH Sit back. Put your seatbelt on. BAIN No fucking way. RATH Okay, don't. Bain thinks. RATH If either of us fucks around, the other can blow the fuel line. He points his gun at the floor where the fuel line runs. Bain sits back, aiming his gun, watching Rath. Rath eases back into the driver's seat, also holding his gun on the fuel line. He puts the car into drive and slides back into traffic, turning back towards Peterson. They sit in silence, studying each other, when they hit the expressway. Bain can't contain himself, giddy on adrenaline. BAIN Jesus -- I'm being driven to the airport by Robert Rath. He laughs. BAIN I can't believe this. You rolled some cabby for the radio, then waited for an airport fare. He laughs again. BAIN Boy, that's fucking genius. You're a fucking genius. Then you're just sitting there, bullshitting with me. Man, no way I coulda done that! RATH What's your name? We both know it's not Nicholai. BAIN Holy shit! Robert Rath wants to know my name. He leans back. This is a big moment for him. BAIN Bain. Michael Bain. RATH How long have you been freelance? BAIN Two years. Two long fucking years. Something occurs to him and he leans close to the window. BAIN Hey. What I don't get was why didn't you take the shot inside the restaurant? I mean you had me, a free shot. That's what I would have done. RATH It's just a shoot-out then. Sixty- forty, at best. Not my odds. BAIN Sounds like chickenshit -- He laughs hard. BAIN Listen to me calling you chickenshit! He stops laughing and looks closely at the back of Rath's head. BAIN Is that a wig? Shit, I hate wigs! Wigs are the worst part of this job. I'd rather dye my hair than wear a wig. Rath studies him. RATH You're wearing a wig now. Bain chokes on his laugh. BAIN God damn are you good. Everyone says you're so fucking good. I just can't believe I'm still alive. If I believed in God, I'd be down on my knees. Right now -- Hey, how come you just didn't plug us all when we came through the door? Rath does not answer. Bain smiles. He knows something about Rath now; he doesn't like killing innocent people. BAIN Shit if I was you, back there -- He holds his gun up to the bulletproof glass behind Rath's head. BAIN Game over. He laughs. BAIN Do you mind if I ask you a couple of business questions? You know I was wondering how much you bid this job at? Rath says nothing. BAIN You don't have to tell me that. It's just, I know my bid was low, but was it too low? I mean, did I seem like an amateur, like I didn't know what I was doing? RATH We both know what you were doing. Bain moves close to the glass again, checking out Rath's gun. BAIN Smith and Wesson .22 with an eight inch silencer. Classic. When I first heard you used that, I thought, shit, that's a lady's gun. Now, it's all I use. Clean, real clean. He looks at the gun, still trained at the floor. BAIN Would you really blow us? Rath does not have to answer. BAIN Oh! I got a question. Jesus, this has been driving me crazy for years -- shit, listen to me. I sound like some fucking fanboy. I'm sorry, but I just got to ask you. Everybody talks about how you left the Agency and got into the business and then how you went after the Russian, Nicholai Talinkov -- RATH Tachlinkov. BAIN Yeah, that's it. And he's like a fucking genius. They said he shaded you over and over. And in the end, he aced you again. Shaded and faded. They say he's living on some Greek island, but I say that's fucking bullshit. I say you're the best and that you planted his ass. Am I right? Rath says nothing. BAIN I bet I'm right. The car passes under a sign indicating the ramp for the Cleveland airport. BAIN Robert Bain, driving me! Jesus fucking Christ! RATH After those cops, you'll never be able to come back to Cleveland. BAIN Who the fuck cares about Cleveland. Cleveland blows. What kind of marks have they got here? Greasy mobster, teamster or some hand job politician. I want the money marks. I want the marks that you get. A long beat of silence. The CAB RUMBLES up onto the "departures" ramp which circles past all of the terminals. BAIN So what happens now? RATH We go around once. BAIN Bullshit. He throws off his seatbelt. BAIN You tell me that we're gonna go around once, then, while I'm checking out the lay of the land, you bail out and send me flying over the bridge. Right? Am I right? Rath doesn't answer, studying the terminals, noting the police and airport security. Rath studies the terrain. Bain studies Rath. Soon they have passed the entire airport. Rath nods. Steering the car through traffic in onto a circle interchange that will bring them to the beginning. Bain wipes the sweat from his face. RATH Okay. BAIN What? What's okay? Rath begins to accelerate, rounding the interchange. BAIN What are you doing? RATH There's a sand barricade up ahead; I'm going to ram this cab into it. The cab has an airbag, odds are good I'll survive. But with this steel casing and bullet proof glass, odds for you are not so good. Bain laughs. BAIN Oh man, that's sweet. That's fucking sweet. The speedometer continues to climb. BAIN You're bluffing. Rath says nothing. Ahead, at the ramp to the terminals, is the sand barricade. BAIN You're fucking with me. You want me to jump. I jump, you hit the brakes and bang -- Game over. The cab is flying at its target. BAIN No, no. Wait. You don't want me to jump. You're going to jump. I'm stuck back here until it's too late. Wham -- over! RATH I know you're going to jump. Bain looks at him and then at the barricade. RATH You're still young. Young enough to still think you're indestructible. Invincible. You believe with utter certainty you can bail out at the last second and survive. The barricade hurtles toward them, rising up, filling the windshield. RATH If you do survive, we'll see each other again. Bain screams, throwing open the door and hurling himself out. Rath jams on the brakes, TIRES SCREAMING, steering into the steel side rail, banking the car into the drums of sand as -- Bain hits the pavement, bouncing like a stone skipped across water. A driver hits his brakes, swerving, just missing him. SAND EXPLODES from the impact and the cab bounces up over the median into the bus-only lanes as the driver's airbag balloons out of the steering wheel. Bain rolls and rolls, finally stopping sprawled out like a piece of roadkill. The cab careens up onto a curb, slamming into a pole, the radiator spitting out a cloud of WHISTLING STEAM. Several cars lock up and collide to avoid Bain; one car stopping inches from him. A woman jumps out, rushing to the front of the car, but Bain is gone. Police CARS ROAR up into the midst of the accident. One of them pulling alongside the demolished cab. The door is open, the airbag popped. Rath is gone. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY A large six flat leans out from a hill in San Francisco. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT - DAY The apartment is always dark; heavy drapes cover the windows. The dining and living rooms look like the control booth of a network television show, stacks of video monitors and consoles, cables, electric wiring, coils of fiber optic cord duct-taped to the floors, walls and ceilings. They snake through holes punched in the plaster walls and hang everywhere like some technological jungle. At the center of this tangled web is ELECTRA, a beautiful athletic looking woman wearing only her underwear and a worn robe. She is curled up in an overstuffed chair, a bowl of popcorn in her lap. On the monitors, she is watching what at first might be mistaken for a soap opera; a young couple are having an argument. What is strange is that the angle never changes; a fish- eye lens staring down into the room. MAN (V.O.) I don't give a shit what your mother thinks. I'm not sleeping with your mother, I'm sleeping with you. WOMAN (V.O.) You won't be for long, with that attitude. MAN (V.O.) Jesus, Jennifer, if you're so god damned worried about your mother's approval, why don't you move back home so she can pat you on the head when you do something right. ELECTRA Jerk. Jennifer is too stunned to say anything. There is a long pause that is not at all like television. It seems very real. She starts to say something, but stops, trying to keep herself from crying. MAN (V.O.) Oh good. Go ahead and cry. JENNIFER (WOMAN) (V.O.) Would you please leave? Electra lifts her head, smelling the air. ELECTRA Mmm, smell that, Nikita? Nikita, Electra's black cat, is stretched lazily across the top of a chair, her tail twitching absently. Every corner of the chair has been clawed open. Electra reaches for the control board and throws a series of switches. The monitors flicker as the image changes. We are now looking down into a kitchen. A stove is beneath us, almost like a cooking show, where a round woman is taking out a tray of chocolate chip cookies. Electra smells them again, smiling as she inhales. ELECTRA I hope she saves some for us. There is a BANG, a DOOR SLAMMING in another apartment, and a MAN YELLING. Electra switches back to Jennifer's apartment. The man is still in the living room, but Jennifer is gone. MAN (V.O.) Do you think slamming doors is going to help work this out? Electra punches a command into a keyboard. Several of the screens change, showing different rooms of the same apartment. Jennifer is in the bedroom, lying on the bed sobbing, her face buried in a pillow. MAN (V.O.) I can slam doors too! We hear the front DOOR SLAM in the hall outside of Electra's apartment and through the monitor speakers. His stomping FOOTSTEPS FADE as he storms down the hall and staircase out of the building. Electra switches all of the screens to Jennifer. She watches and listens to her cry alone in her bedroom. Electra reaches out; her fingers lightly touch the monitor screen. INT. APARTMENT HALL Electra's front door opens slowly. Timidly, she steps out of her apartment and walks down the hall until she is standing in front of Jennifer's door. She starts to knock, but stops herself. She isn't sure she should do this. She paces, then turns to the door. She knocks, so softly it's almost impossible to hear. She stands, trying to force herself to knock again, when she hears Jennifer. JENNIFER (O.S.) Hello? Ken, is that you? Electra panics. The door knob turns, the door opens and JENNIFER looks out into the hall. It is empty. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT On the monitors, Electra watches Jennifer pick up the phone. JENNIFER (V.O.) Hi, Mom, it's me. Ken and I just had a big fight. Electra's PAGER suddenly SOUNDS. She shuts down the screens and pulls out the pager, checking the number. ELECTRA Crap. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT There is a system set up that is not unlike Rath's system; all of the same components, though the equipment is bigger, more powerful and less portable. On a table there is a bank of phones, several cellular. Electra is talking on one. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra, they are not paying you to sit at home and watch television. Electra is fiddling with five plastic computer disks; each has a MicroCell trademark and is labeled "Back-Up." ELECTRA I wasn't watching television. WOMAN (V.O.) The point is, they are paying for information. Real information. Not tooth paste brands. Not whether he wads of folds his toilet paper. And no 16 hours of recorded phone sex. You are wasting everyone's time with this shit. ELECTRA I thought it was interesting -- WOMAN (V.O.) God damnit, Electra. This is not a game. This is business. ELECTRA Right. In my hands I have five back-up disks he made of all of his work last night. WOMAN (V.O.) Jesus! Why didn't you tell me? ELECTRA I'll make my usual arrangements and expect my usual bonus. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra -- ELECTRA A pleasure doing business with you. She hangs up. INT. LOBBY Electra comes down the stairs. Outside the large glass door she sees KEN, Jennifer's boyfriend, leaving. On the lobby floor is a letter, apparently slipped under the door, addressed to Jennifer Morgan. Electra looks out the front door window, making sure that Ken is gone. She picks up the letter and stuffs it into her pocket. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is at his computer system. He is staring at it, like it is a living thing, a person that he despises, the blank screen reflecting his own face. It is an effort to bring himself to touch the keyboard, to type in his code. He waits. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Hello, Robert. Rath wants to type something but hesitates. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know what happened. RATH I bet you fucking know! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN It cost us. Rath jumps out of his chair, screaming at the screen. RATH I give a fuck? I'm done! I quit! Do you fucking hear me! I'm fucking gone! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN He stole another contract. Rath turns from the monitor, pacing. Trying to collect himself. RATH I'm being set up. Fucking set up! He looks at the chess board. He hovers over it, the pattern completely familiar. RATH Is this how it went, Nick? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Robert? Robert? Rath turns back to the screen, speaking as he types. RATH/SCREEN How did he know? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Know what? RATH/SCREEN The fucking contract! How in the fuck did he know. A long beat. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Such language in front of a lady. Rath still talking and typing. RATH/SCREEN I don't know what the fuck you are. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know. It was a joke. Rath stands, no longer typing. RATH A joke? A joke? Rath takes out his gun and levels it at the face of the screen. RATH You think this is a fucking joke? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN $1,000,000. Rath looks at the number. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN That's the bonus on the contract. Rath puts the gun down. RATH/SCREEN Deadline? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Tomorrow. The buyer is Japanese. His retirement a condition of the bonus. The FAX MACHINE COMES TO LIFE, printing an inky image. RATH/SCREEN Who is the mark? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Freelancer. A woman. Surveillance specialist. RATH A player? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN We have an M.O... Her system is protected by her 'pussy virus.' Rath looks at the fax; almost entirely black except for the wide, slit-iris cat eyes. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY There is a SCREECH and BLAST of ENGINES as a 747 touches down, heat rising off the tarmac. INT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY Several passengers walk through the gate into the terminal. Across from the gate, Rath sits in a grungy airport cafeteria, reading a folded paper. He is wearing an airport security uniform, a gun holstered to his side. Taped inside the newspaper is a faxed Interpol photograph of a Japanese man wanted for "industrial espionage." At the gate, five Japanese men emerge. Leading the group is the man in Rath's photo. The other four are obviously muscle. Rath watches as they walk down the crowded terminal hall. When they are almost out of sight, he folds his newspaper and begins to follow. His pace and manner is that of a cautious predator. His focus shifts continually from face to face, expecting to find Bain's. His hand hovers near his gun. Ahead of him a thin young man, wearing a long blue trench coat, stops. Rath cannot see his face. The man starts toward a drinking fountain. Rath catches a glimpse of his face. It could be Bain, but he isn't sure. The young man bends over and slurps at the stream of water. He rises into the barrel of Rath's .22. A mouthful of water coughs from his mouth. It is not Bain and in the next instant, the gun is gone. RATH Sorry. My mistake. Rath continues. They young man is unable to move. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY The five men stride through the automated terminal doors and towards a waiting limousine. Further down, Rath, now wearing a black T-shirt and jeans, exits and hails a cab. INT. CAB RATH Hi. Up ahead my boss is in that black limo. We're not sure which hotel we're at, so could you just follow them? CABBY Sure. Rath sits back studying the faces exiting the terminal as the cab pulls away. INT. LIMOUSINE The five men sit in silence. Strangely, a PHONE begins to RING. The older man, whose name is AKIRA, opens his briefcase, removing a cellular phone. AKIRA Hello? We hear Electra's voice. She speaks in Japanese; he uses English. ELECTRA (V.O.) I trust your flight was comfortable? AKIRA Your Japanese is excellent. ELECTRA (V.O.) Tell the driver: the Hyatt Hotel. INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY Electra is pacing, talking into the cellular phone. ELECTRA I'll call you again in twenty minutes. She punches a button and shoves the antennae down. The hotel room looks like her apartment. There is a computer and a series of monitors stacked on top of the wood laminate desk. Cables whip and wind across the carpeted floor to the central air duct. The panel has been removed and intertwined black and gray coaxial run up inside the duct. Immediately, Electra is busy finishing her preparations. She snaps in several power cords and the system comes on- line. On the monitor screen, we see an empty hotel room that looks exactly like the one she is in. INT. CAB Rath stares out the window, watching the surrounding traffic, the limo still in sight. Something occurs to him and he looks down at the folded newspaper where he had hid the contract file. He flips past several documents before finding what he's looking for; the cat. He pulls the dark fax of Nikita and stares at it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Laying on the bed, in a patch of sunlight, Nikita watches Electra rush about. Electra grabs the sheet from under the comforter and yanks it out. ELECTRA Excuse me, your Highness. Nikita casually walks off the bed. Electra takes the sheet to the open duct and tears off a long piece of duct-tape. EXT. HYATT HOTEL The limousine pulls up in the lavish circular driveway. The cab pulls in behind it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra checks her watch and picks up the cellular phone. INT. HYATT LOBBY The Japanese men stand in a cluster looking very rigid and uncomfortable. The BRIEFCASE RINGS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is pacing again. ELECTRA Room 1414. INT. HYATT LOBBY With several other guests, the Japanese men crowd into an elevator. The doors close. Across the lobby, Rath enters, walking past the elevators. INT. ELEVATOR As the elevator rises, we begin to hear a SOUND, a familiar sound. Cramped in the corner is Bain. He is PLAYING "TETRIS," wearing dark sunglasses and a WALKMAN PUMPING SPEED METAL into his ears. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra continues to pace, checking the monitors. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN At the switchboard, a YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE wearing an operator's headset, takes a late breakfast order, typing the order in the hotel computer. YOUNG MAN (YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE) Yes, sir. That'll be up in about thirty minutes. You're welcome. He turns around and Rath is right behind him. INT. ELEVATOR The fourteenth floor; the BELL CHIMES, the doors slide open and the clump of Japanese men get out. Just as the doors begin to close, Bain steps out. INT. HALL Bain follows them down the hall, still PLAYING the GAME. There is again an ominous sense of predator moving in on its prey. As Akira finds 1414 and opens the door, another door burst open, a large family, heading for the pool. The moment is gone; the Japanese men close the door and Bain continues down the hall again, PLAYING the GAME. INT. HOTEL SUITE When the Japanese men enter the suite, we realize that this is the image on Electra's monitors. Surveillance camcorders and microphones are mounted in various locations to display every inch of the room. The group hesitates for a moment, under the electronic eyes. The four goons have their hands in their jackets. A small LAPTOP COMPUTER sits on the coffee table HUMMING SOFTLY. It is the only noise in the room until a speaker crackles. ELECTRA/SPEAKER (V.O.) Good morning, gentlemen. I apologize for the arrangement, but we all know those aren't business cards you're reaching for. If anyone leaves this room, the deal's off. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN The operator is unconscious, slumped in the corner. Rath studies the hotel computer screen intently, the information rolling by. We see that it is the previous night's room service receipts. RATH One vegetarian plate and a can of tuna fish. Room 1014. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stands in front of the monitors watching the men as she speaks into the microphone. ELECTRA Ten thousand dollars per disk. Insert the first disk now. On the monitor, we see Akira at the coffee table shove the first disk into the laptop disk drive. INT. HOTEL SUITE Akira turns from the small computer screen and nods at a goon, who drops a green brick of bound one hundred dollar bills, down the central air duct. The little clock on the laptop ticks away as it copies. INT. HYATT HALL Bain is sitting on a bench entrenched in a fevered game of "TETRIS." Suddenly, he stops. BAIN Yes! The display of the game reads "Game Over" and congratulates Bain on a new high score. Bain stands, smiling. He puts the game in his pocket and starts down the hall. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is crouched at the open duct, grabbing another stack of money, stuffing it into her bag. A LOUD BANG EXPLODES out of the SPEAKERS and she looks up at the monitor. INT. HOTEL SUITE The lock on the door has been broken and standing in the frame is Bain. BAIN Surprise! He raises his arm, his GUN spitting SILENT BULLETS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stares in horror at the monitors as Bain grabs the nearest bodyguard, FIRING a SHOT into his belly. ELECTRA Oh, God. INT. HOTEL SUITE Another SHOT and the second bodyguard falls. The other two draw their handguns and Bain shields himself with the lifeless body of his first victim. They FIRE at Bain but are unable to hit him. Bain squeezes off TWO MORE SHOTS and the two men fall dead. He lets his human shield fall to the ground and levels his gun on the shaking Akira. AKIRA Don't kill me. Bain looks at him and smiles, then FIRES. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra leaps at the computer, ripping the cord from the modem. Bain sees the fiber optic cable and looks right into it. BAIN (V.O.) Tricky. Boy, you just can't trust anyone these days. He licks the lens, leaving a smear of saliva. She stuffs the disks into her bag. She puts Nikita in her "travel kitty" and charges for the door, grabbing her coat. Flinging it over her shoulder, she does not notice the letter from Ken slip out of her pocket as she bolts from the room. INT. HALL Electra explodes through the door and suddenly freezes. She is staring down the barrel of Rath's .22. RATH Don't be stupid and you will live. The elevator behind Rath opens and closes against a hotel lobby ashtray. He waves her into the elevator with his gun. RATH Hurry. EXT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY Electra's black CAR ROARS out of the garage, onto the open street. INT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY The door swings open. From the hall we can hear the familiar BEEPING of the COMPUTER GAME. The room, 1014, is the same as Electra had left it when she ran out. Jutting from a shadow on the floor is the corner of Ken's letter. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Electra drives, obviously nervous, as Rath watches out the rear window. RATH Turn here. No one follows. He turns back to her. RATH How many bodies were there? He checks his watch. ELECTRA What? RATH He has to clean up. How many bodies were there? ELECTRA Um, five. RATH One hour per man. Rath sets the timer on his watch for five hours. INT. HYATT HOTEL ROOM - DAY Bain has returned to room 1414. Wearing rubber gloves, he clicks open a black leather attache and pulls out a can of rug cleaner. He picks up the phone for room service. BAIN Hi. This is room 1414 -- Behind him, in the bathroom mirror, we see one of the Japanese men hanging from the shower by his feet. He is naked. BAIN Yes, could you send up a pot of coffee and my friends are going to need some more towels. Thanks. He hangs up the phone and walks over to one of the large blood stains on the carpet. He points the rug cleaner at the stain covering it with white foam. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Rath sees the entrance for the expressway. RATH Get on the expressway. ELECTRA Where are we going? Rath glances back. RATH Nowhere yet. Electra turns onto the highway and NIKITA HOWLS from the "travel kitty" in the back seat. ELECTRA Nikita, hush. NIKITA wants out and HOWLS again. ELECTRA She won't stop unless you let her out. Rath reaches back and opens the box. Nikita springs into the front seat onto Rath's lap. RATH Nikita? She helped me find you. ELECTRA What? How did you know I had a cat? RATH Took a guess. Lucky for you, I guessed right. ELECTRA Who the fuck are you? Who do you work for? RATH I work for the government. ELECTRA Yeah? She studies his face, his eyes. ELECTRA Bullshit. RATH Yeah. ELECTRA You're one of them, aren't you? A fucking pro. RATH I'm part of the game, just like you. Electra pounds the steering wheel. ELECTRA Jesus! He reaches into the back seat, grabbing her bag. ELECTRA What do you think you're doing? Rath plucks out the bundles of money. RATH Twenty large? That's all? ELECTRA What do you mean, 'that's all'? What in the hell do you know? RATH The bonus on the contract for you was one million dollars. Electra seems ready to jump out of her skin. The speedometer is floating around 90. RATH Slow down. He pulls out the disks. RATH I figure that means these are worth ten times that, maybe more. ELECTRA Ten million -- RATH Now you understand

driven

How many times the word 'driven' appears in the text?

BAIN What? RATH What restaurant? BAIN Uh, Fontella's RATH So you're from around here? BAIN No. No I'm not. Bain is getting agitated. RATH Where you from? BAIN What is this? RATH Not too good at small talk, eh? BAIN Look, I'm real tired and I'm not interested in fucking chit-chat. RATH I know just what you mean. I'm pretty beat myself. Silence. RATH Since you looked like a waiter, I had to ask what restaurant because of what happened at the Trattoria Roma. Bain looks up. BAIN Why? What happened? RATH Didn't you here all them sirens? It's been all over the radio. Some guy shot Leevio Valli, and a bunch of bystanders, in the Trattoria Roma. BAIN No shit. RATH Yeah, it's terrible. I mean Valli, and I don't care what office he's running for, the guy's a crook. He probably had it coming, but all the other people. Real sad. BAIN Yeah. RATH But they caught the guy. I heard it all. Sounded like he just went berserk, fucking loco. Shooting anybody. Drugs, probably. BAIN Probably. RATH I'd love to sit in that jury. Send that S.O.B. right to the chair. Bain allows himself a bemused smile. BAIN Sizzle lean. The cab passes the intersection for the airport. Bain sits up. BAIN What are you doing? RATH What? BAIN That was Peterson back there. That goes to the expressway for the airport. RATH You're right. Talking too much again. BAIN Yeah well, you just blew your tip, pal. RATH What? You think I'm running you up? BAIN Just do your job. Rath pulls over and slaps the cab in park. BAIN What are you doing? RATH Get out. You think I'm running you up? Get out. BAIN You can't -- RATH The hell I can't. It's my cab. I don't like you. So, get the hell out! Bain can't figure out what is wrong, when he sees the dashboard and the missing ID. Their eyes meet in the rearview mirror. BAIN Holy fucking shit! The cab rocks as both men move. Instantly guns fill their hands. Bain ripping out a .357 lifted from one of the dead cops. Rath rolls to the side whipping the gun free from his jacket. Bain throws open the door, about to run, but stops. He looks at Rath. He wants him to run. Anyone who moves away from the bullet proof glass is dead. Both men are silent, each holding the other in their gun sights. Bain blinks, sweat forming on his lip. BAIN I get out, you got me. Bain reaches over and closes the door. He smiles knowing it is the right move. BAIN Now what? Rath calmly uncocks his gun. RATH We're both going to the airport. Bain nods. RATH Sit back. Put your seatbelt on. BAIN No fucking way. RATH Okay, don't. Bain thinks. RATH If either of us fucks around, the other can blow the fuel line. He points his gun at the floor where the fuel line runs. Bain sits back, aiming his gun, watching Rath. Rath eases back into the driver's seat, also holding his gun on the fuel line. He puts the car into drive and slides back into traffic, turning back towards Peterson. They sit in silence, studying each other, when they hit the expressway. Bain can't contain himself, giddy on adrenaline. BAIN Jesus -- I'm being driven to the airport by Robert Rath. He laughs. BAIN I can't believe this. You rolled some cabby for the radio, then waited for an airport fare. He laughs again. BAIN Boy, that's fucking genius. You're a fucking genius. Then you're just sitting there, bullshitting with me. Man, no way I coulda done that! RATH What's your name? We both know it's not Nicholai. BAIN Holy shit! Robert Rath wants to know my name. He leans back. This is a big moment for him. BAIN Bain. Michael Bain. RATH How long have you been freelance? BAIN Two years. Two long fucking years. Something occurs to him and he leans close to the window. BAIN Hey. What I don't get was why didn't you take the shot inside the restaurant? I mean you had me, a free shot. That's what I would have done. RATH It's just a shoot-out then. Sixty- forty, at best. Not my odds. BAIN Sounds like chickenshit -- He laughs hard. BAIN Listen to me calling you chickenshit! He stops laughing and looks closely at the back of Rath's head. BAIN Is that a wig? Shit, I hate wigs! Wigs are the worst part of this job. I'd rather dye my hair than wear a wig. Rath studies him. RATH You're wearing a wig now. Bain chokes on his laugh. BAIN God damn are you good. Everyone says you're so fucking good. I just can't believe I'm still alive. If I believed in God, I'd be down on my knees. Right now -- Hey, how come you just didn't plug us all when we came through the door? Rath does not answer. Bain smiles. He knows something about Rath now; he doesn't like killing innocent people. BAIN Shit if I was you, back there -- He holds his gun up to the bulletproof glass behind Rath's head. BAIN Game over. He laughs. BAIN Do you mind if I ask you a couple of business questions? You know I was wondering how much you bid this job at? Rath says nothing. BAIN You don't have to tell me that. It's just, I know my bid was low, but was it too low? I mean, did I seem like an amateur, like I didn't know what I was doing? RATH We both know what you were doing. Bain moves close to the glass again, checking out Rath's gun. BAIN Smith and Wesson .22 with an eight inch silencer. Classic. When I first heard you used that, I thought, shit, that's a lady's gun. Now, it's all I use. Clean, real clean. He looks at the gun, still trained at the floor. BAIN Would you really blow us? Rath does not have to answer. BAIN Oh! I got a question. Jesus, this has been driving me crazy for years -- shit, listen to me. I sound like some fucking fanboy. I'm sorry, but I just got to ask you. Everybody talks about how you left the Agency and got into the business and then how you went after the Russian, Nicholai Talinkov -- RATH Tachlinkov. BAIN Yeah, that's it. And he's like a fucking genius. They said he shaded you over and over. And in the end, he aced you again. Shaded and faded. They say he's living on some Greek island, but I say that's fucking bullshit. I say you're the best and that you planted his ass. Am I right? Rath says nothing. BAIN I bet I'm right. The car passes under a sign indicating the ramp for the Cleveland airport. BAIN Robert Bain, driving me! Jesus fucking Christ! RATH After those cops, you'll never be able to come back to Cleveland. BAIN Who the fuck cares about Cleveland. Cleveland blows. What kind of marks have they got here? Greasy mobster, teamster or some hand job politician. I want the money marks. I want the marks that you get. A long beat of silence. The CAB RUMBLES up onto the "departures" ramp which circles past all of the terminals. BAIN So what happens now? RATH We go around once. BAIN Bullshit. He throws off his seatbelt. BAIN You tell me that we're gonna go around once, then, while I'm checking out the lay of the land, you bail out and send me flying over the bridge. Right? Am I right? Rath doesn't answer, studying the terminals, noting the police and airport security. Rath studies the terrain. Bain studies Rath. Soon they have passed the entire airport. Rath nods. Steering the car through traffic in onto a circle interchange that will bring them to the beginning. Bain wipes the sweat from his face. RATH Okay. BAIN What? What's okay? Rath begins to accelerate, rounding the interchange. BAIN What are you doing? RATH There's a sand barricade up ahead; I'm going to ram this cab into it. The cab has an airbag, odds are good I'll survive. But with this steel casing and bullet proof glass, odds for you are not so good. Bain laughs. BAIN Oh man, that's sweet. That's fucking sweet. The speedometer continues to climb. BAIN You're bluffing. Rath says nothing. Ahead, at the ramp to the terminals, is the sand barricade. BAIN You're fucking with me. You want me to jump. I jump, you hit the brakes and bang -- Game over. The cab is flying at its target. BAIN No, no. Wait. You don't want me to jump. You're going to jump. I'm stuck back here until it's too late. Wham -- over! RATH I know you're going to jump. Bain looks at him and then at the barricade. RATH You're still young. Young enough to still think you're indestructible. Invincible. You believe with utter certainty you can bail out at the last second and survive. The barricade hurtles toward them, rising up, filling the windshield. RATH If you do survive, we'll see each other again. Bain screams, throwing open the door and hurling himself out. Rath jams on the brakes, TIRES SCREAMING, steering into the steel side rail, banking the car into the drums of sand as -- Bain hits the pavement, bouncing like a stone skipped across water. A driver hits his brakes, swerving, just missing him. SAND EXPLODES from the impact and the cab bounces up over the median into the bus-only lanes as the driver's airbag balloons out of the steering wheel. Bain rolls and rolls, finally stopping sprawled out like a piece of roadkill. The cab careens up onto a curb, slamming into a pole, the radiator spitting out a cloud of WHISTLING STEAM. Several cars lock up and collide to avoid Bain; one car stopping inches from him. A woman jumps out, rushing to the front of the car, but Bain is gone. Police CARS ROAR up into the midst of the accident. One of them pulling alongside the demolished cab. The door is open, the airbag popped. Rath is gone. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY A large six flat leans out from a hill in San Francisco. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT - DAY The apartment is always dark; heavy drapes cover the windows. The dining and living rooms look like the control booth of a network television show, stacks of video monitors and consoles, cables, electric wiring, coils of fiber optic cord duct-taped to the floors, walls and ceilings. They snake through holes punched in the plaster walls and hang everywhere like some technological jungle. At the center of this tangled web is ELECTRA, a beautiful athletic looking woman wearing only her underwear and a worn robe. She is curled up in an overstuffed chair, a bowl of popcorn in her lap. On the monitors, she is watching what at first might be mistaken for a soap opera; a young couple are having an argument. What is strange is that the angle never changes; a fish- eye lens staring down into the room. MAN (V.O.) I don't give a shit what your mother thinks. I'm not sleeping with your mother, I'm sleeping with you. WOMAN (V.O.) You won't be for long, with that attitude. MAN (V.O.) Jesus, Jennifer, if you're so god damned worried about your mother's approval, why don't you move back home so she can pat you on the head when you do something right. ELECTRA Jerk. Jennifer is too stunned to say anything. There is a long pause that is not at all like television. It seems very real. She starts to say something, but stops, trying to keep herself from crying. MAN (V.O.) Oh good. Go ahead and cry. JENNIFER (WOMAN) (V.O.) Would you please leave? Electra lifts her head, smelling the air. ELECTRA Mmm, smell that, Nikita? Nikita, Electra's black cat, is stretched lazily across the top of a chair, her tail twitching absently. Every corner of the chair has been clawed open. Electra reaches for the control board and throws a series of switches. The monitors flicker as the image changes. We are now looking down into a kitchen. A stove is beneath us, almost like a cooking show, where a round woman is taking out a tray of chocolate chip cookies. Electra smells them again, smiling as she inhales. ELECTRA I hope she saves some for us. There is a BANG, a DOOR SLAMMING in another apartment, and a MAN YELLING. Electra switches back to Jennifer's apartment. The man is still in the living room, but Jennifer is gone. MAN (V.O.) Do you think slamming doors is going to help work this out? Electra punches a command into a keyboard. Several of the screens change, showing different rooms of the same apartment. Jennifer is in the bedroom, lying on the bed sobbing, her face buried in a pillow. MAN (V.O.) I can slam doors too! We hear the front DOOR SLAM in the hall outside of Electra's apartment and through the monitor speakers. His stomping FOOTSTEPS FADE as he storms down the hall and staircase out of the building. Electra switches all of the screens to Jennifer. She watches and listens to her cry alone in her bedroom. Electra reaches out; her fingers lightly touch the monitor screen. INT. APARTMENT HALL Electra's front door opens slowly. Timidly, she steps out of her apartment and walks down the hall until she is standing in front of Jennifer's door. She starts to knock, but stops herself. She isn't sure she should do this. She paces, then turns to the door. She knocks, so softly it's almost impossible to hear. She stands, trying to force herself to knock again, when she hears Jennifer. JENNIFER (O.S.) Hello? Ken, is that you? Electra panics. The door knob turns, the door opens and JENNIFER looks out into the hall. It is empty. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT On the monitors, Electra watches Jennifer pick up the phone. JENNIFER (V.O.) Hi, Mom, it's me. Ken and I just had a big fight. Electra's PAGER suddenly SOUNDS. She shuts down the screens and pulls out the pager, checking the number. ELECTRA Crap. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT There is a system set up that is not unlike Rath's system; all of the same components, though the equipment is bigger, more powerful and less portable. On a table there is a bank of phones, several cellular. Electra is talking on one. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra, they are not paying you to sit at home and watch television. Electra is fiddling with five plastic computer disks; each has a MicroCell trademark and is labeled "Back-Up." ELECTRA I wasn't watching television. WOMAN (V.O.) The point is, they are paying for information. Real information. Not tooth paste brands. Not whether he wads of folds his toilet paper. And no 16 hours of recorded phone sex. You are wasting everyone's time with this shit. ELECTRA I thought it was interesting -- WOMAN (V.O.) God damnit, Electra. This is not a game. This is business. ELECTRA Right. In my hands I have five back-up disks he made of all of his work last night. WOMAN (V.O.) Jesus! Why didn't you tell me? ELECTRA I'll make my usual arrangements and expect my usual bonus. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra -- ELECTRA A pleasure doing business with you. She hangs up. INT. LOBBY Electra comes down the stairs. Outside the large glass door she sees KEN, Jennifer's boyfriend, leaving. On the lobby floor is a letter, apparently slipped under the door, addressed to Jennifer Morgan. Electra looks out the front door window, making sure that Ken is gone. She picks up the letter and stuffs it into her pocket. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is at his computer system. He is staring at it, like it is a living thing, a person that he despises, the blank screen reflecting his own face. It is an effort to bring himself to touch the keyboard, to type in his code. He waits. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Hello, Robert. Rath wants to type something but hesitates. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know what happened. RATH I bet you fucking know! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN It cost us. Rath jumps out of his chair, screaming at the screen. RATH I give a fuck? I'm done! I quit! Do you fucking hear me! I'm fucking gone! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN He stole another contract. Rath turns from the monitor, pacing. Trying to collect himself. RATH I'm being set up. Fucking set up! He looks at the chess board. He hovers over it, the pattern completely familiar. RATH Is this how it went, Nick? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Robert? Robert? Rath turns back to the screen, speaking as he types. RATH/SCREEN How did he know? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Know what? RATH/SCREEN The fucking contract! How in the fuck did he know. A long beat. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Such language in front of a lady. Rath still talking and typing. RATH/SCREEN I don't know what the fuck you are. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know. It was a joke. Rath stands, no longer typing. RATH A joke? A joke? Rath takes out his gun and levels it at the face of the screen. RATH You think this is a fucking joke? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN $1,000,000. Rath looks at the number. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN That's the bonus on the contract. Rath puts the gun down. RATH/SCREEN Deadline? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Tomorrow. The buyer is Japanese. His retirement a condition of the bonus. The FAX MACHINE COMES TO LIFE, printing an inky image. RATH/SCREEN Who is the mark? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Freelancer. A woman. Surveillance specialist. RATH A player? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN We have an M.O... Her system is protected by her 'pussy virus.' Rath looks at the fax; almost entirely black except for the wide, slit-iris cat eyes. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY There is a SCREECH and BLAST of ENGINES as a 747 touches down, heat rising off the tarmac. INT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY Several passengers walk through the gate into the terminal. Across from the gate, Rath sits in a grungy airport cafeteria, reading a folded paper. He is wearing an airport security uniform, a gun holstered to his side. Taped inside the newspaper is a faxed Interpol photograph of a Japanese man wanted for "industrial espionage." At the gate, five Japanese men emerge. Leading the group is the man in Rath's photo. The other four are obviously muscle. Rath watches as they walk down the crowded terminal hall. When they are almost out of sight, he folds his newspaper and begins to follow. His pace and manner is that of a cautious predator. His focus shifts continually from face to face, expecting to find Bain's. His hand hovers near his gun. Ahead of him a thin young man, wearing a long blue trench coat, stops. Rath cannot see his face. The man starts toward a drinking fountain. Rath catches a glimpse of his face. It could be Bain, but he isn't sure. The young man bends over and slurps at the stream of water. He rises into the barrel of Rath's .22. A mouthful of water coughs from his mouth. It is not Bain and in the next instant, the gun is gone. RATH Sorry. My mistake. Rath continues. They young man is unable to move. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY The five men stride through the automated terminal doors and towards a waiting limousine. Further down, Rath, now wearing a black T-shirt and jeans, exits and hails a cab. INT. CAB RATH Hi. Up ahead my boss is in that black limo. We're not sure which hotel we're at, so could you just follow them? CABBY Sure. Rath sits back studying the faces exiting the terminal as the cab pulls away. INT. LIMOUSINE The five men sit in silence. Strangely, a PHONE begins to RING. The older man, whose name is AKIRA, opens his briefcase, removing a cellular phone. AKIRA Hello? We hear Electra's voice. She speaks in Japanese; he uses English. ELECTRA (V.O.) I trust your flight was comfortable? AKIRA Your Japanese is excellent. ELECTRA (V.O.) Tell the driver: the Hyatt Hotel. INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY Electra is pacing, talking into the cellular phone. ELECTRA I'll call you again in twenty minutes. She punches a button and shoves the antennae down. The hotel room looks like her apartment. There is a computer and a series of monitors stacked on top of the wood laminate desk. Cables whip and wind across the carpeted floor to the central air duct. The panel has been removed and intertwined black and gray coaxial run up inside the duct. Immediately, Electra is busy finishing her preparations. She snaps in several power cords and the system comes on- line. On the monitor screen, we see an empty hotel room that looks exactly like the one she is in. INT. CAB Rath stares out the window, watching the surrounding traffic, the limo still in sight. Something occurs to him and he looks down at the folded newspaper where he had hid the contract file. He flips past several documents before finding what he's looking for; the cat. He pulls the dark fax of Nikita and stares at it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Laying on the bed, in a patch of sunlight, Nikita watches Electra rush about. Electra grabs the sheet from under the comforter and yanks it out. ELECTRA Excuse me, your Highness. Nikita casually walks off the bed. Electra takes the sheet to the open duct and tears off a long piece of duct-tape. EXT. HYATT HOTEL The limousine pulls up in the lavish circular driveway. The cab pulls in behind it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra checks her watch and picks up the cellular phone. INT. HYATT LOBBY The Japanese men stand in a cluster looking very rigid and uncomfortable. The BRIEFCASE RINGS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is pacing again. ELECTRA Room 1414. INT. HYATT LOBBY With several other guests, the Japanese men crowd into an elevator. The doors close. Across the lobby, Rath enters, walking past the elevators. INT. ELEVATOR As the elevator rises, we begin to hear a SOUND, a familiar sound. Cramped in the corner is Bain. He is PLAYING "TETRIS," wearing dark sunglasses and a WALKMAN PUMPING SPEED METAL into his ears. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra continues to pace, checking the monitors. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN At the switchboard, a YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE wearing an operator's headset, takes a late breakfast order, typing the order in the hotel computer. YOUNG MAN (YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE) Yes, sir. That'll be up in about thirty minutes. You're welcome. He turns around and Rath is right behind him. INT. ELEVATOR The fourteenth floor; the BELL CHIMES, the doors slide open and the clump of Japanese men get out. Just as the doors begin to close, Bain steps out. INT. HALL Bain follows them down the hall, still PLAYING the GAME. There is again an ominous sense of predator moving in on its prey. As Akira finds 1414 and opens the door, another door burst open, a large family, heading for the pool. The moment is gone; the Japanese men close the door and Bain continues down the hall again, PLAYING the GAME. INT. HOTEL SUITE When the Japanese men enter the suite, we realize that this is the image on Electra's monitors. Surveillance camcorders and microphones are mounted in various locations to display every inch of the room. The group hesitates for a moment, under the electronic eyes. The four goons have their hands in their jackets. A small LAPTOP COMPUTER sits on the coffee table HUMMING SOFTLY. It is the only noise in the room until a speaker crackles. ELECTRA/SPEAKER (V.O.) Good morning, gentlemen. I apologize for the arrangement, but we all know those aren't business cards you're reaching for. If anyone leaves this room, the deal's off. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN The operator is unconscious, slumped in the corner. Rath studies the hotel computer screen intently, the information rolling by. We see that it is the previous night's room service receipts. RATH One vegetarian plate and a can of tuna fish. Room 1014. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stands in front of the monitors watching the men as she speaks into the microphone. ELECTRA Ten thousand dollars per disk. Insert the first disk now. On the monitor, we see Akira at the coffee table shove the first disk into the laptop disk drive. INT. HOTEL SUITE Akira turns from the small computer screen and nods at a goon, who drops a green brick of bound one hundred dollar bills, down the central air duct. The little clock on the laptop ticks away as it copies. INT. HYATT HALL Bain is sitting on a bench entrenched in a fevered game of "TETRIS." Suddenly, he stops. BAIN Yes! The display of the game reads "Game Over" and congratulates Bain on a new high score. Bain stands, smiling. He puts the game in his pocket and starts down the hall. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is crouched at the open duct, grabbing another stack of money, stuffing it into her bag. A LOUD BANG EXPLODES out of the SPEAKERS and she looks up at the monitor. INT. HOTEL SUITE The lock on the door has been broken and standing in the frame is Bain. BAIN Surprise! He raises his arm, his GUN spitting SILENT BULLETS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stares in horror at the monitors as Bain grabs the nearest bodyguard, FIRING a SHOT into his belly. ELECTRA Oh, God. INT. HOTEL SUITE Another SHOT and the second bodyguard falls. The other two draw their handguns and Bain shields himself with the lifeless body of his first victim. They FIRE at Bain but are unable to hit him. Bain squeezes off TWO MORE SHOTS and the two men fall dead. He lets his human shield fall to the ground and levels his gun on the shaking Akira. AKIRA Don't kill me. Bain looks at him and smiles, then FIRES. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra leaps at the computer, ripping the cord from the modem. Bain sees the fiber optic cable and looks right into it. BAIN (V.O.) Tricky. Boy, you just can't trust anyone these days. He licks the lens, leaving a smear of saliva. She stuffs the disks into her bag. She puts Nikita in her "travel kitty" and charges for the door, grabbing her coat. Flinging it over her shoulder, she does not notice the letter from Ken slip out of her pocket as she bolts from the room. INT. HALL Electra explodes through the door and suddenly freezes. She is staring down the barrel of Rath's .22. RATH Don't be stupid and you will live. The elevator behind Rath opens and closes against a hotel lobby ashtray. He waves her into the elevator with his gun. RATH Hurry. EXT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY Electra's black CAR ROARS out of the garage, onto the open street. INT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY The door swings open. From the hall we can hear the familiar BEEPING of the COMPUTER GAME. The room, 1014, is the same as Electra had left it when she ran out. Jutting from a shadow on the floor is the corner of Ken's letter. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Electra drives, obviously nervous, as Rath watches out the rear window. RATH Turn here. No one follows. He turns back to her. RATH How many bodies were there? He checks his watch. ELECTRA What? RATH He has to clean up. How many bodies were there? ELECTRA Um, five. RATH One hour per man. Rath sets the timer on his watch for five hours. INT. HYATT HOTEL ROOM - DAY Bain has returned to room 1414. Wearing rubber gloves, he clicks open a black leather attache and pulls out a can of rug cleaner. He picks up the phone for room service. BAIN Hi. This is room 1414 -- Behind him, in the bathroom mirror, we see one of the Japanese men hanging from the shower by his feet. He is naked. BAIN Yes, could you send up a pot of coffee and my friends are going to need some more towels. Thanks. He hangs up the phone and walks over to one of the large blood stains on the carpet. He points the rug cleaner at the stain covering it with white foam. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Rath sees the entrance for the expressway. RATH Get on the expressway. ELECTRA Where are we going? Rath glances back. RATH Nowhere yet. Electra turns onto the highway and NIKITA HOWLS from the "travel kitty" in the back seat. ELECTRA Nikita, hush. NIKITA wants out and HOWLS again. ELECTRA She won't stop unless you let her out. Rath reaches back and opens the box. Nikita springs into the front seat onto Rath's lap. RATH Nikita? She helped me find you. ELECTRA What? How did you know I had a cat? RATH Took a guess. Lucky for you, I guessed right. ELECTRA Who the fuck are you? Who do you work for? RATH I work for the government. ELECTRA Yeah? She studies his face, his eyes. ELECTRA Bullshit. RATH Yeah. ELECTRA You're one of them, aren't you? A fucking pro. RATH I'm part of the game, just like you. Electra pounds the steering wheel. ELECTRA Jesus! He reaches into the back seat, grabbing her bag. ELECTRA What do you think you're doing? Rath plucks out the bundles of money. RATH Twenty large? That's all? ELECTRA What do you mean, 'that's all'? What in the hell do you know? RATH The bonus on the contract for you was one million dollars. Electra seems ready to jump out of her skin. The speedometer is floating around 90. RATH Slow down. He pulls out the disks. RATH I figure that means these are worth ten times that, maybe more. ELECTRA Ten million -- RATH Now you understand

terrain

How many times the word 'terrain' appears in the text?

BAIN What? RATH What restaurant? BAIN Uh, Fontella's RATH So you're from around here? BAIN No. No I'm not. Bain is getting agitated. RATH Where you from? BAIN What is this? RATH Not too good at small talk, eh? BAIN Look, I'm real tired and I'm not interested in fucking chit-chat. RATH I know just what you mean. I'm pretty beat myself. Silence. RATH Since you looked like a waiter, I had to ask what restaurant because of what happened at the Trattoria Roma. Bain looks up. BAIN Why? What happened? RATH Didn't you here all them sirens? It's been all over the radio. Some guy shot Leevio Valli, and a bunch of bystanders, in the Trattoria Roma. BAIN No shit. RATH Yeah, it's terrible. I mean Valli, and I don't care what office he's running for, the guy's a crook. He probably had it coming, but all the other people. Real sad. BAIN Yeah. RATH But they caught the guy. I heard it all. Sounded like he just went berserk, fucking loco. Shooting anybody. Drugs, probably. BAIN Probably. RATH I'd love to sit in that jury. Send that S.O.B. right to the chair. Bain allows himself a bemused smile. BAIN Sizzle lean. The cab passes the intersection for the airport. Bain sits up. BAIN What are you doing? RATH What? BAIN That was Peterson back there. That goes to the expressway for the airport. RATH You're right. Talking too much again. BAIN Yeah well, you just blew your tip, pal. RATH What? You think I'm running you up? BAIN Just do your job. Rath pulls over and slaps the cab in park. BAIN What are you doing? RATH Get out. You think I'm running you up? Get out. BAIN You can't -- RATH The hell I can't. It's my cab. I don't like you. So, get the hell out! Bain can't figure out what is wrong, when he sees the dashboard and the missing ID. Their eyes meet in the rearview mirror. BAIN Holy fucking shit! The cab rocks as both men move. Instantly guns fill their hands. Bain ripping out a .357 lifted from one of the dead cops. Rath rolls to the side whipping the gun free from his jacket. Bain throws open the door, about to run, but stops. He looks at Rath. He wants him to run. Anyone who moves away from the bullet proof glass is dead. Both men are silent, each holding the other in their gun sights. Bain blinks, sweat forming on his lip. BAIN I get out, you got me. Bain reaches over and closes the door. He smiles knowing it is the right move. BAIN Now what? Rath calmly uncocks his gun. RATH We're both going to the airport. Bain nods. RATH Sit back. Put your seatbelt on. BAIN No fucking way. RATH Okay, don't. Bain thinks. RATH If either of us fucks around, the other can blow the fuel line. He points his gun at the floor where the fuel line runs. Bain sits back, aiming his gun, watching Rath. Rath eases back into the driver's seat, also holding his gun on the fuel line. He puts the car into drive and slides back into traffic, turning back towards Peterson. They sit in silence, studying each other, when they hit the expressway. Bain can't contain himself, giddy on adrenaline. BAIN Jesus -- I'm being driven to the airport by Robert Rath. He laughs. BAIN I can't believe this. You rolled some cabby for the radio, then waited for an airport fare. He laughs again. BAIN Boy, that's fucking genius. You're a fucking genius. Then you're just sitting there, bullshitting with me. Man, no way I coulda done that! RATH What's your name? We both know it's not Nicholai. BAIN Holy shit! Robert Rath wants to know my name. He leans back. This is a big moment for him. BAIN Bain. Michael Bain. RATH How long have you been freelance? BAIN Two years. Two long fucking years. Something occurs to him and he leans close to the window. BAIN Hey. What I don't get was why didn't you take the shot inside the restaurant? I mean you had me, a free shot. That's what I would have done. RATH It's just a shoot-out then. Sixty- forty, at best. Not my odds. BAIN Sounds like chickenshit -- He laughs hard. BAIN Listen to me calling you chickenshit! He stops laughing and looks closely at the back of Rath's head. BAIN Is that a wig? Shit, I hate wigs! Wigs are the worst part of this job. I'd rather dye my hair than wear a wig. Rath studies him. RATH You're wearing a wig now. Bain chokes on his laugh. BAIN God damn are you good. Everyone says you're so fucking good. I just can't believe I'm still alive. If I believed in God, I'd be down on my knees. Right now -- Hey, how come you just didn't plug us all when we came through the door? Rath does not answer. Bain smiles. He knows something about Rath now; he doesn't like killing innocent people. BAIN Shit if I was you, back there -- He holds his gun up to the bulletproof glass behind Rath's head. BAIN Game over. He laughs. BAIN Do you mind if I ask you a couple of business questions? You know I was wondering how much you bid this job at? Rath says nothing. BAIN You don't have to tell me that. It's just, I know my bid was low, but was it too low? I mean, did I seem like an amateur, like I didn't know what I was doing? RATH We both know what you were doing. Bain moves close to the glass again, checking out Rath's gun. BAIN Smith and Wesson .22 with an eight inch silencer. Classic. When I first heard you used that, I thought, shit, that's a lady's gun. Now, it's all I use. Clean, real clean. He looks at the gun, still trained at the floor. BAIN Would you really blow us? Rath does not have to answer. BAIN Oh! I got a question. Jesus, this has been driving me crazy for years -- shit, listen to me. I sound like some fucking fanboy. I'm sorry, but I just got to ask you. Everybody talks about how you left the Agency and got into the business and then how you went after the Russian, Nicholai Talinkov -- RATH Tachlinkov. BAIN Yeah, that's it. And he's like a fucking genius. They said he shaded you over and over. And in the end, he aced you again. Shaded and faded. They say he's living on some Greek island, but I say that's fucking bullshit. I say you're the best and that you planted his ass. Am I right? Rath says nothing. BAIN I bet I'm right. The car passes under a sign indicating the ramp for the Cleveland airport. BAIN Robert Bain, driving me! Jesus fucking Christ! RATH After those cops, you'll never be able to come back to Cleveland. BAIN Who the fuck cares about Cleveland. Cleveland blows. What kind of marks have they got here? Greasy mobster, teamster or some hand job politician. I want the money marks. I want the marks that you get. A long beat of silence. The CAB RUMBLES up onto the "departures" ramp which circles past all of the terminals. BAIN So what happens now? RATH We go around once. BAIN Bullshit. He throws off his seatbelt. BAIN You tell me that we're gonna go around once, then, while I'm checking out the lay of the land, you bail out and send me flying over the bridge. Right? Am I right? Rath doesn't answer, studying the terminals, noting the police and airport security. Rath studies the terrain. Bain studies Rath. Soon they have passed the entire airport. Rath nods. Steering the car through traffic in onto a circle interchange that will bring them to the beginning. Bain wipes the sweat from his face. RATH Okay. BAIN What? What's okay? Rath begins to accelerate, rounding the interchange. BAIN What are you doing? RATH There's a sand barricade up ahead; I'm going to ram this cab into it. The cab has an airbag, odds are good I'll survive. But with this steel casing and bullet proof glass, odds for you are not so good. Bain laughs. BAIN Oh man, that's sweet. That's fucking sweet. The speedometer continues to climb. BAIN You're bluffing. Rath says nothing. Ahead, at the ramp to the terminals, is the sand barricade. BAIN You're fucking with me. You want me to jump. I jump, you hit the brakes and bang -- Game over. The cab is flying at its target. BAIN No, no. Wait. You don't want me to jump. You're going to jump. I'm stuck back here until it's too late. Wham -- over! RATH I know you're going to jump. Bain looks at him and then at the barricade. RATH You're still young. Young enough to still think you're indestructible. Invincible. You believe with utter certainty you can bail out at the last second and survive. The barricade hurtles toward them, rising up, filling the windshield. RATH If you do survive, we'll see each other again. Bain screams, throwing open the door and hurling himself out. Rath jams on the brakes, TIRES SCREAMING, steering into the steel side rail, banking the car into the drums of sand as -- Bain hits the pavement, bouncing like a stone skipped across water. A driver hits his brakes, swerving, just missing him. SAND EXPLODES from the impact and the cab bounces up over the median into the bus-only lanes as the driver's airbag balloons out of the steering wheel. Bain rolls and rolls, finally stopping sprawled out like a piece of roadkill. The cab careens up onto a curb, slamming into a pole, the radiator spitting out a cloud of WHISTLING STEAM. Several cars lock up and collide to avoid Bain; one car stopping inches from him. A woman jumps out, rushing to the front of the car, but Bain is gone. Police CARS ROAR up into the midst of the accident. One of them pulling alongside the demolished cab. The door is open, the airbag popped. Rath is gone. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY A large six flat leans out from a hill in San Francisco. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT - DAY The apartment is always dark; heavy drapes cover the windows. The dining and living rooms look like the control booth of a network television show, stacks of video monitors and consoles, cables, electric wiring, coils of fiber optic cord duct-taped to the floors, walls and ceilings. They snake through holes punched in the plaster walls and hang everywhere like some technological jungle. At the center of this tangled web is ELECTRA, a beautiful athletic looking woman wearing only her underwear and a worn robe. She is curled up in an overstuffed chair, a bowl of popcorn in her lap. On the monitors, she is watching what at first might be mistaken for a soap opera; a young couple are having an argument. What is strange is that the angle never changes; a fish- eye lens staring down into the room. MAN (V.O.) I don't give a shit what your mother thinks. I'm not sleeping with your mother, I'm sleeping with you. WOMAN (V.O.) You won't be for long, with that attitude. MAN (V.O.) Jesus, Jennifer, if you're so god damned worried about your mother's approval, why don't you move back home so she can pat you on the head when you do something right. ELECTRA Jerk. Jennifer is too stunned to say anything. There is a long pause that is not at all like television. It seems very real. She starts to say something, but stops, trying to keep herself from crying. MAN (V.O.) Oh good. Go ahead and cry. JENNIFER (WOMAN) (V.O.) Would you please leave? Electra lifts her head, smelling the air. ELECTRA Mmm, smell that, Nikita? Nikita, Electra's black cat, is stretched lazily across the top of a chair, her tail twitching absently. Every corner of the chair has been clawed open. Electra reaches for the control board and throws a series of switches. The monitors flicker as the image changes. We are now looking down into a kitchen. A stove is beneath us, almost like a cooking show, where a round woman is taking out a tray of chocolate chip cookies. Electra smells them again, smiling as she inhales. ELECTRA I hope she saves some for us. There is a BANG, a DOOR SLAMMING in another apartment, and a MAN YELLING. Electra switches back to Jennifer's apartment. The man is still in the living room, but Jennifer is gone. MAN (V.O.) Do you think slamming doors is going to help work this out? Electra punches a command into a keyboard. Several of the screens change, showing different rooms of the same apartment. Jennifer is in the bedroom, lying on the bed sobbing, her face buried in a pillow. MAN (V.O.) I can slam doors too! We hear the front DOOR SLAM in the hall outside of Electra's apartment and through the monitor speakers. His stomping FOOTSTEPS FADE as he storms down the hall and staircase out of the building. Electra switches all of the screens to Jennifer. She watches and listens to her cry alone in her bedroom. Electra reaches out; her fingers lightly touch the monitor screen. INT. APARTMENT HALL Electra's front door opens slowly. Timidly, she steps out of her apartment and walks down the hall until she is standing in front of Jennifer's door. She starts to knock, but stops herself. She isn't sure she should do this. She paces, then turns to the door. She knocks, so softly it's almost impossible to hear. She stands, trying to force herself to knock again, when she hears Jennifer. JENNIFER (O.S.) Hello? Ken, is that you? Electra panics. The door knob turns, the door opens and JENNIFER looks out into the hall. It is empty. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT On the monitors, Electra watches Jennifer pick up the phone. JENNIFER (V.O.) Hi, Mom, it's me. Ken and I just had a big fight. Electra's PAGER suddenly SOUNDS. She shuts down the screens and pulls out the pager, checking the number. ELECTRA Crap. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT There is a system set up that is not unlike Rath's system; all of the same components, though the equipment is bigger, more powerful and less portable. On a table there is a bank of phones, several cellular. Electra is talking on one. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra, they are not paying you to sit at home and watch television. Electra is fiddling with five plastic computer disks; each has a MicroCell trademark and is labeled "Back-Up." ELECTRA I wasn't watching television. WOMAN (V.O.) The point is, they are paying for information. Real information. Not tooth paste brands. Not whether he wads of folds his toilet paper. And no 16 hours of recorded phone sex. You are wasting everyone's time with this shit. ELECTRA I thought it was interesting -- WOMAN (V.O.) God damnit, Electra. This is not a game. This is business. ELECTRA Right. In my hands I have five back-up disks he made of all of his work last night. WOMAN (V.O.) Jesus! Why didn't you tell me? ELECTRA I'll make my usual arrangements and expect my usual bonus. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra -- ELECTRA A pleasure doing business with you. She hangs up. INT. LOBBY Electra comes down the stairs. Outside the large glass door she sees KEN, Jennifer's boyfriend, leaving. On the lobby floor is a letter, apparently slipped under the door, addressed to Jennifer Morgan. Electra looks out the front door window, making sure that Ken is gone. She picks up the letter and stuffs it into her pocket. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is at his computer system. He is staring at it, like it is a living thing, a person that he despises, the blank screen reflecting his own face. It is an effort to bring himself to touch the keyboard, to type in his code. He waits. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Hello, Robert. Rath wants to type something but hesitates. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know what happened. RATH I bet you fucking know! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN It cost us. Rath jumps out of his chair, screaming at the screen. RATH I give a fuck? I'm done! I quit! Do you fucking hear me! I'm fucking gone! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN He stole another contract. Rath turns from the monitor, pacing. Trying to collect himself. RATH I'm being set up. Fucking set up! He looks at the chess board. He hovers over it, the pattern completely familiar. RATH Is this how it went, Nick? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Robert? Robert? Rath turns back to the screen, speaking as he types. RATH/SCREEN How did he know? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Know what? RATH/SCREEN The fucking contract! How in the fuck did he know. A long beat. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Such language in front of a lady. Rath still talking and typing. RATH/SCREEN I don't know what the fuck you are. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know. It was a joke. Rath stands, no longer typing. RATH A joke? A joke? Rath takes out his gun and levels it at the face of the screen. RATH You think this is a fucking joke? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN $1,000,000. Rath looks at the number. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN That's the bonus on the contract. Rath puts the gun down. RATH/SCREEN Deadline? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Tomorrow. The buyer is Japanese. His retirement a condition of the bonus. The FAX MACHINE COMES TO LIFE, printing an inky image. RATH/SCREEN Who is the mark? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Freelancer. A woman. Surveillance specialist. RATH A player? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN We have an M.O... Her system is protected by her 'pussy virus.' Rath looks at the fax; almost entirely black except for the wide, slit-iris cat eyes. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY There is a SCREECH and BLAST of ENGINES as a 747 touches down, heat rising off the tarmac. INT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY Several passengers walk through the gate into the terminal. Across from the gate, Rath sits in a grungy airport cafeteria, reading a folded paper. He is wearing an airport security uniform, a gun holstered to his side. Taped inside the newspaper is a faxed Interpol photograph of a Japanese man wanted for "industrial espionage." At the gate, five Japanese men emerge. Leading the group is the man in Rath's photo. The other four are obviously muscle. Rath watches as they walk down the crowded terminal hall. When they are almost out of sight, he folds his newspaper and begins to follow. His pace and manner is that of a cautious predator. His focus shifts continually from face to face, expecting to find Bain's. His hand hovers near his gun. Ahead of him a thin young man, wearing a long blue trench coat, stops. Rath cannot see his face. The man starts toward a drinking fountain. Rath catches a glimpse of his face. It could be Bain, but he isn't sure. The young man bends over and slurps at the stream of water. He rises into the barrel of Rath's .22. A mouthful of water coughs from his mouth. It is not Bain and in the next instant, the gun is gone. RATH Sorry. My mistake. Rath continues. They young man is unable to move. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY The five men stride through the automated terminal doors and towards a waiting limousine. Further down, Rath, now wearing a black T-shirt and jeans, exits and hails a cab. INT. CAB RATH Hi. Up ahead my boss is in that black limo. We're not sure which hotel we're at, so could you just follow them? CABBY Sure. Rath sits back studying the faces exiting the terminal as the cab pulls away. INT. LIMOUSINE The five men sit in silence. Strangely, a PHONE begins to RING. The older man, whose name is AKIRA, opens his briefcase, removing a cellular phone. AKIRA Hello? We hear Electra's voice. She speaks in Japanese; he uses English. ELECTRA (V.O.) I trust your flight was comfortable? AKIRA Your Japanese is excellent. ELECTRA (V.O.) Tell the driver: the Hyatt Hotel. INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY Electra is pacing, talking into the cellular phone. ELECTRA I'll call you again in twenty minutes. She punches a button and shoves the antennae down. The hotel room looks like her apartment. There is a computer and a series of monitors stacked on top of the wood laminate desk. Cables whip and wind across the carpeted floor to the central air duct. The panel has been removed and intertwined black and gray coaxial run up inside the duct. Immediately, Electra is busy finishing her preparations. She snaps in several power cords and the system comes on- line. On the monitor screen, we see an empty hotel room that looks exactly like the one she is in. INT. CAB Rath stares out the window, watching the surrounding traffic, the limo still in sight. Something occurs to him and he looks down at the folded newspaper where he had hid the contract file. He flips past several documents before finding what he's looking for; the cat. He pulls the dark fax of Nikita and stares at it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Laying on the bed, in a patch of sunlight, Nikita watches Electra rush about. Electra grabs the sheet from under the comforter and yanks it out. ELECTRA Excuse me, your Highness. Nikita casually walks off the bed. Electra takes the sheet to the open duct and tears off a long piece of duct-tape. EXT. HYATT HOTEL The limousine pulls up in the lavish circular driveway. The cab pulls in behind it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra checks her watch and picks up the cellular phone. INT. HYATT LOBBY The Japanese men stand in a cluster looking very rigid and uncomfortable. The BRIEFCASE RINGS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is pacing again. ELECTRA Room 1414. INT. HYATT LOBBY With several other guests, the Japanese men crowd into an elevator. The doors close. Across the lobby, Rath enters, walking past the elevators. INT. ELEVATOR As the elevator rises, we begin to hear a SOUND, a familiar sound. Cramped in the corner is Bain. He is PLAYING "TETRIS," wearing dark sunglasses and a WALKMAN PUMPING SPEED METAL into his ears. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra continues to pace, checking the monitors. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN At the switchboard, a YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE wearing an operator's headset, takes a late breakfast order, typing the order in the hotel computer. YOUNG MAN (YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE) Yes, sir. That'll be up in about thirty minutes. You're welcome. He turns around and Rath is right behind him. INT. ELEVATOR The fourteenth floor; the BELL CHIMES, the doors slide open and the clump of Japanese men get out. Just as the doors begin to close, Bain steps out. INT. HALL Bain follows them down the hall, still PLAYING the GAME. There is again an ominous sense of predator moving in on its prey. As Akira finds 1414 and opens the door, another door burst open, a large family, heading for the pool. The moment is gone; the Japanese men close the door and Bain continues down the hall again, PLAYING the GAME. INT. HOTEL SUITE When the Japanese men enter the suite, we realize that this is the image on Electra's monitors. Surveillance camcorders and microphones are mounted in various locations to display every inch of the room. The group hesitates for a moment, under the electronic eyes. The four goons have their hands in their jackets. A small LAPTOP COMPUTER sits on the coffee table HUMMING SOFTLY. It is the only noise in the room until a speaker crackles. ELECTRA/SPEAKER (V.O.) Good morning, gentlemen. I apologize for the arrangement, but we all know those aren't business cards you're reaching for. If anyone leaves this room, the deal's off. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN The operator is unconscious, slumped in the corner. Rath studies the hotel computer screen intently, the information rolling by. We see that it is the previous night's room service receipts. RATH One vegetarian plate and a can of tuna fish. Room 1014. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stands in front of the monitors watching the men as she speaks into the microphone. ELECTRA Ten thousand dollars per disk. Insert the first disk now. On the monitor, we see Akira at the coffee table shove the first disk into the laptop disk drive. INT. HOTEL SUITE Akira turns from the small computer screen and nods at a goon, who drops a green brick of bound one hundred dollar bills, down the central air duct. The little clock on the laptop ticks away as it copies. INT. HYATT HALL Bain is sitting on a bench entrenched in a fevered game of "TETRIS." Suddenly, he stops. BAIN Yes! The display of the game reads "Game Over" and congratulates Bain on a new high score. Bain stands, smiling. He puts the game in his pocket and starts down the hall. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is crouched at the open duct, grabbing another stack of money, stuffing it into her bag. A LOUD BANG EXPLODES out of the SPEAKERS and she looks up at the monitor. INT. HOTEL SUITE The lock on the door has been broken and standing in the frame is Bain. BAIN Surprise! He raises his arm, his GUN spitting SILENT BULLETS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stares in horror at the monitors as Bain grabs the nearest bodyguard, FIRING a SHOT into his belly. ELECTRA Oh, God. INT. HOTEL SUITE Another SHOT and the second bodyguard falls. The other two draw their handguns and Bain shields himself with the lifeless body of his first victim. They FIRE at Bain but are unable to hit him. Bain squeezes off TWO MORE SHOTS and the two men fall dead. He lets his human shield fall to the ground and levels his gun on the shaking Akira. AKIRA Don't kill me. Bain looks at him and smiles, then FIRES. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra leaps at the computer, ripping the cord from the modem. Bain sees the fiber optic cable and looks right into it. BAIN (V.O.) Tricky. Boy, you just can't trust anyone these days. He licks the lens, leaving a smear of saliva. She stuffs the disks into her bag. She puts Nikita in her "travel kitty" and charges for the door, grabbing her coat. Flinging it over her shoulder, she does not notice the letter from Ken slip out of her pocket as she bolts from the room. INT. HALL Electra explodes through the door and suddenly freezes. She is staring down the barrel of Rath's .22. RATH Don't be stupid and you will live. The elevator behind Rath opens and closes against a hotel lobby ashtray. He waves her into the elevator with his gun. RATH Hurry. EXT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY Electra's black CAR ROARS out of the garage, onto the open street. INT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY The door swings open. From the hall we can hear the familiar BEEPING of the COMPUTER GAME. The room, 1014, is the same as Electra had left it when she ran out. Jutting from a shadow on the floor is the corner of Ken's letter. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Electra drives, obviously nervous, as Rath watches out the rear window. RATH Turn here. No one follows. He turns back to her. RATH How many bodies were there? He checks his watch. ELECTRA What? RATH He has to clean up. How many bodies were there? ELECTRA Um, five. RATH One hour per man. Rath sets the timer on his watch for five hours. INT. HYATT HOTEL ROOM - DAY Bain has returned to room 1414. Wearing rubber gloves, he clicks open a black leather attache and pulls out a can of rug cleaner. He picks up the phone for room service. BAIN Hi. This is room 1414 -- Behind him, in the bathroom mirror, we see one of the Japanese men hanging from the shower by his feet. He is naked. BAIN Yes, could you send up a pot of coffee and my friends are going to need some more towels. Thanks. He hangs up the phone and walks over to one of the large blood stains on the carpet. He points the rug cleaner at the stain covering it with white foam. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Rath sees the entrance for the expressway. RATH Get on the expressway. ELECTRA Where are we going? Rath glances back. RATH Nowhere yet. Electra turns onto the highway and NIKITA HOWLS from the "travel kitty" in the back seat. ELECTRA Nikita, hush. NIKITA wants out and HOWLS again. ELECTRA She won't stop unless you let her out. Rath reaches back and opens the box. Nikita springs into the front seat onto Rath's lap. RATH Nikita? She helped me find you. ELECTRA What? How did you know I had a cat? RATH Took a guess. Lucky for you, I guessed right. ELECTRA Who the fuck are you? Who do you work for? RATH I work for the government. ELECTRA Yeah? She studies his face, his eyes. ELECTRA Bullshit. RATH Yeah. ELECTRA You're one of them, aren't you? A fucking pro. RATH I'm part of the game, just like you. Electra pounds the steering wheel. ELECTRA Jesus! He reaches into the back seat, grabbing her bag. ELECTRA What do you think you're doing? Rath plucks out the bundles of money. RATH Twenty large? That's all? ELECTRA What do you mean, 'that's all'? What in the hell do you know? RATH The bonus on the contract for you was one million dollars. Electra seems ready to jump out of her skin. The speedometer is floating around 90. RATH Slow down. He pulls out the disks. RATH I figure that means these are worth ten times that, maybe more. ELECTRA Ten million -- RATH Now you understand

are

How many times the word 'are' appears in the text?

BAIN What? RATH What restaurant? BAIN Uh, Fontella's RATH So you're from around here? BAIN No. No I'm not. Bain is getting agitated. RATH Where you from? BAIN What is this? RATH Not too good at small talk, eh? BAIN Look, I'm real tired and I'm not interested in fucking chit-chat. RATH I know just what you mean. I'm pretty beat myself. Silence. RATH Since you looked like a waiter, I had to ask what restaurant because of what happened at the Trattoria Roma. Bain looks up. BAIN Why? What happened? RATH Didn't you here all them sirens? It's been all over the radio. Some guy shot Leevio Valli, and a bunch of bystanders, in the Trattoria Roma. BAIN No shit. RATH Yeah, it's terrible. I mean Valli, and I don't care what office he's running for, the guy's a crook. He probably had it coming, but all the other people. Real sad. BAIN Yeah. RATH But they caught the guy. I heard it all. Sounded like he just went berserk, fucking loco. Shooting anybody. Drugs, probably. BAIN Probably. RATH I'd love to sit in that jury. Send that S.O.B. right to the chair. Bain allows himself a bemused smile. BAIN Sizzle lean. The cab passes the intersection for the airport. Bain sits up. BAIN What are you doing? RATH What? BAIN That was Peterson back there. That goes to the expressway for the airport. RATH You're right. Talking too much again. BAIN Yeah well, you just blew your tip, pal. RATH What? You think I'm running you up? BAIN Just do your job. Rath pulls over and slaps the cab in park. BAIN What are you doing? RATH Get out. You think I'm running you up? Get out. BAIN You can't -- RATH The hell I can't. It's my cab. I don't like you. So, get the hell out! Bain can't figure out what is wrong, when he sees the dashboard and the missing ID. Their eyes meet in the rearview mirror. BAIN Holy fucking shit! The cab rocks as both men move. Instantly guns fill their hands. Bain ripping out a .357 lifted from one of the dead cops. Rath rolls to the side whipping the gun free from his jacket. Bain throws open the door, about to run, but stops. He looks at Rath. He wants him to run. Anyone who moves away from the bullet proof glass is dead. Both men are silent, each holding the other in their gun sights. Bain blinks, sweat forming on his lip. BAIN I get out, you got me. Bain reaches over and closes the door. He smiles knowing it is the right move. BAIN Now what? Rath calmly uncocks his gun. RATH We're both going to the airport. Bain nods. RATH Sit back. Put your seatbelt on. BAIN No fucking way. RATH Okay, don't. Bain thinks. RATH If either of us fucks around, the other can blow the fuel line. He points his gun at the floor where the fuel line runs. Bain sits back, aiming his gun, watching Rath. Rath eases back into the driver's seat, also holding his gun on the fuel line. He puts the car into drive and slides back into traffic, turning back towards Peterson. They sit in silence, studying each other, when they hit the expressway. Bain can't contain himself, giddy on adrenaline. BAIN Jesus -- I'm being driven to the airport by Robert Rath. He laughs. BAIN I can't believe this. You rolled some cabby for the radio, then waited for an airport fare. He laughs again. BAIN Boy, that's fucking genius. You're a fucking genius. Then you're just sitting there, bullshitting with me. Man, no way I coulda done that! RATH What's your name? We both know it's not Nicholai. BAIN Holy shit! Robert Rath wants to know my name. He leans back. This is a big moment for him. BAIN Bain. Michael Bain. RATH How long have you been freelance? BAIN Two years. Two long fucking years. Something occurs to him and he leans close to the window. BAIN Hey. What I don't get was why didn't you take the shot inside the restaurant? I mean you had me, a free shot. That's what I would have done. RATH It's just a shoot-out then. Sixty- forty, at best. Not my odds. BAIN Sounds like chickenshit -- He laughs hard. BAIN Listen to me calling you chickenshit! He stops laughing and looks closely at the back of Rath's head. BAIN Is that a wig? Shit, I hate wigs! Wigs are the worst part of this job. I'd rather dye my hair than wear a wig. Rath studies him. RATH You're wearing a wig now. Bain chokes on his laugh. BAIN God damn are you good. Everyone says you're so fucking good. I just can't believe I'm still alive. If I believed in God, I'd be down on my knees. Right now -- Hey, how come you just didn't plug us all when we came through the door? Rath does not answer. Bain smiles. He knows something about Rath now; he doesn't like killing innocent people. BAIN Shit if I was you, back there -- He holds his gun up to the bulletproof glass behind Rath's head. BAIN Game over. He laughs. BAIN Do you mind if I ask you a couple of business questions? You know I was wondering how much you bid this job at? Rath says nothing. BAIN You don't have to tell me that. It's just, I know my bid was low, but was it too low? I mean, did I seem like an amateur, like I didn't know what I was doing? RATH We both know what you were doing. Bain moves close to the glass again, checking out Rath's gun. BAIN Smith and Wesson .22 with an eight inch silencer. Classic. When I first heard you used that, I thought, shit, that's a lady's gun. Now, it's all I use. Clean, real clean. He looks at the gun, still trained at the floor. BAIN Would you really blow us? Rath does not have to answer. BAIN Oh! I got a question. Jesus, this has been driving me crazy for years -- shit, listen to me. I sound like some fucking fanboy. I'm sorry, but I just got to ask you. Everybody talks about how you left the Agency and got into the business and then how you went after the Russian, Nicholai Talinkov -- RATH Tachlinkov. BAIN Yeah, that's it. And he's like a fucking genius. They said he shaded you over and over. And in the end, he aced you again. Shaded and faded. They say he's living on some Greek island, but I say that's fucking bullshit. I say you're the best and that you planted his ass. Am I right? Rath says nothing. BAIN I bet I'm right. The car passes under a sign indicating the ramp for the Cleveland airport. BAIN Robert Bain, driving me! Jesus fucking Christ! RATH After those cops, you'll never be able to come back to Cleveland. BAIN Who the fuck cares about Cleveland. Cleveland blows. What kind of marks have they got here? Greasy mobster, teamster or some hand job politician. I want the money marks. I want the marks that you get. A long beat of silence. The CAB RUMBLES up onto the "departures" ramp which circles past all of the terminals. BAIN So what happens now? RATH We go around once. BAIN Bullshit. He throws off his seatbelt. BAIN You tell me that we're gonna go around once, then, while I'm checking out the lay of the land, you bail out and send me flying over the bridge. Right? Am I right? Rath doesn't answer, studying the terminals, noting the police and airport security. Rath studies the terrain. Bain studies Rath. Soon they have passed the entire airport. Rath nods. Steering the car through traffic in onto a circle interchange that will bring them to the beginning. Bain wipes the sweat from his face. RATH Okay. BAIN What? What's okay? Rath begins to accelerate, rounding the interchange. BAIN What are you doing? RATH There's a sand barricade up ahead; I'm going to ram this cab into it. The cab has an airbag, odds are good I'll survive. But with this steel casing and bullet proof glass, odds for you are not so good. Bain laughs. BAIN Oh man, that's sweet. That's fucking sweet. The speedometer continues to climb. BAIN You're bluffing. Rath says nothing. Ahead, at the ramp to the terminals, is the sand barricade. BAIN You're fucking with me. You want me to jump. I jump, you hit the brakes and bang -- Game over. The cab is flying at its target. BAIN No, no. Wait. You don't want me to jump. You're going to jump. I'm stuck back here until it's too late. Wham -- over! RATH I know you're going to jump. Bain looks at him and then at the barricade. RATH You're still young. Young enough to still think you're indestructible. Invincible. You believe with utter certainty you can bail out at the last second and survive. The barricade hurtles toward them, rising up, filling the windshield. RATH If you do survive, we'll see each other again. Bain screams, throwing open the door and hurling himself out. Rath jams on the brakes, TIRES SCREAMING, steering into the steel side rail, banking the car into the drums of sand as -- Bain hits the pavement, bouncing like a stone skipped across water. A driver hits his brakes, swerving, just missing him. SAND EXPLODES from the impact and the cab bounces up over the median into the bus-only lanes as the driver's airbag balloons out of the steering wheel. Bain rolls and rolls, finally stopping sprawled out like a piece of roadkill. The cab careens up onto a curb, slamming into a pole, the radiator spitting out a cloud of WHISTLING STEAM. Several cars lock up and collide to avoid Bain; one car stopping inches from him. A woman jumps out, rushing to the front of the car, but Bain is gone. Police CARS ROAR up into the midst of the accident. One of them pulling alongside the demolished cab. The door is open, the airbag popped. Rath is gone. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY A large six flat leans out from a hill in San Francisco. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT - DAY The apartment is always dark; heavy drapes cover the windows. The dining and living rooms look like the control booth of a network television show, stacks of video monitors and consoles, cables, electric wiring, coils of fiber optic cord duct-taped to the floors, walls and ceilings. They snake through holes punched in the plaster walls and hang everywhere like some technological jungle. At the center of this tangled web is ELECTRA, a beautiful athletic looking woman wearing only her underwear and a worn robe. She is curled up in an overstuffed chair, a bowl of popcorn in her lap. On the monitors, she is watching what at first might be mistaken for a soap opera; a young couple are having an argument. What is strange is that the angle never changes; a fish- eye lens staring down into the room. MAN (V.O.) I don't give a shit what your mother thinks. I'm not sleeping with your mother, I'm sleeping with you. WOMAN (V.O.) You won't be for long, with that attitude. MAN (V.O.) Jesus, Jennifer, if you're so god damned worried about your mother's approval, why don't you move back home so she can pat you on the head when you do something right. ELECTRA Jerk. Jennifer is too stunned to say anything. There is a long pause that is not at all like television. It seems very real. She starts to say something, but stops, trying to keep herself from crying. MAN (V.O.) Oh good. Go ahead and cry. JENNIFER (WOMAN) (V.O.) Would you please leave? Electra lifts her head, smelling the air. ELECTRA Mmm, smell that, Nikita? Nikita, Electra's black cat, is stretched lazily across the top of a chair, her tail twitching absently. Every corner of the chair has been clawed open. Electra reaches for the control board and throws a series of switches. The monitors flicker as the image changes. We are now looking down into a kitchen. A stove is beneath us, almost like a cooking show, where a round woman is taking out a tray of chocolate chip cookies. Electra smells them again, smiling as she inhales. ELECTRA I hope she saves some for us. There is a BANG, a DOOR SLAMMING in another apartment, and a MAN YELLING. Electra switches back to Jennifer's apartment. The man is still in the living room, but Jennifer is gone. MAN (V.O.) Do you think slamming doors is going to help work this out? Electra punches a command into a keyboard. Several of the screens change, showing different rooms of the same apartment. Jennifer is in the bedroom, lying on the bed sobbing, her face buried in a pillow. MAN (V.O.) I can slam doors too! We hear the front DOOR SLAM in the hall outside of Electra's apartment and through the monitor speakers. His stomping FOOTSTEPS FADE as he storms down the hall and staircase out of the building. Electra switches all of the screens to Jennifer. She watches and listens to her cry alone in her bedroom. Electra reaches out; her fingers lightly touch the monitor screen. INT. APARTMENT HALL Electra's front door opens slowly. Timidly, she steps out of her apartment and walks down the hall until she is standing in front of Jennifer's door. She starts to knock, but stops herself. She isn't sure she should do this. She paces, then turns to the door. She knocks, so softly it's almost impossible to hear. She stands, trying to force herself to knock again, when she hears Jennifer. JENNIFER (O.S.) Hello? Ken, is that you? Electra panics. The door knob turns, the door opens and JENNIFER looks out into the hall. It is empty. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT On the monitors, Electra watches Jennifer pick up the phone. JENNIFER (V.O.) Hi, Mom, it's me. Ken and I just had a big fight. Electra's PAGER suddenly SOUNDS. She shuts down the screens and pulls out the pager, checking the number. ELECTRA Crap. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT There is a system set up that is not unlike Rath's system; all of the same components, though the equipment is bigger, more powerful and less portable. On a table there is a bank of phones, several cellular. Electra is talking on one. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra, they are not paying you to sit at home and watch television. Electra is fiddling with five plastic computer disks; each has a MicroCell trademark and is labeled "Back-Up." ELECTRA I wasn't watching television. WOMAN (V.O.) The point is, they are paying for information. Real information. Not tooth paste brands. Not whether he wads of folds his toilet paper. And no 16 hours of recorded phone sex. You are wasting everyone's time with this shit. ELECTRA I thought it was interesting -- WOMAN (V.O.) God damnit, Electra. This is not a game. This is business. ELECTRA Right. In my hands I have five back-up disks he made of all of his work last night. WOMAN (V.O.) Jesus! Why didn't you tell me? ELECTRA I'll make my usual arrangements and expect my usual bonus. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra -- ELECTRA A pleasure doing business with you. She hangs up. INT. LOBBY Electra comes down the stairs. Outside the large glass door she sees KEN, Jennifer's boyfriend, leaving. On the lobby floor is a letter, apparently slipped under the door, addressed to Jennifer Morgan. Electra looks out the front door window, making sure that Ken is gone. She picks up the letter and stuffs it into her pocket. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is at his computer system. He is staring at it, like it is a living thing, a person that he despises, the blank screen reflecting his own face. It is an effort to bring himself to touch the keyboard, to type in his code. He waits. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Hello, Robert. Rath wants to type something but hesitates. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know what happened. RATH I bet you fucking know! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN It cost us. Rath jumps out of his chair, screaming at the screen. RATH I give a fuck? I'm done! I quit! Do you fucking hear me! I'm fucking gone! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN He stole another contract. Rath turns from the monitor, pacing. Trying to collect himself. RATH I'm being set up. Fucking set up! He looks at the chess board. He hovers over it, the pattern completely familiar. RATH Is this how it went, Nick? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Robert? Robert? Rath turns back to the screen, speaking as he types. RATH/SCREEN How did he know? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Know what? RATH/SCREEN The fucking contract! How in the fuck did he know. A long beat. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Such language in front of a lady. Rath still talking and typing. RATH/SCREEN I don't know what the fuck you are. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know. It was a joke. Rath stands, no longer typing. RATH A joke? A joke? Rath takes out his gun and levels it at the face of the screen. RATH You think this is a fucking joke? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN $1,000,000. Rath looks at the number. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN That's the bonus on the contract. Rath puts the gun down. RATH/SCREEN Deadline? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Tomorrow. The buyer is Japanese. His retirement a condition of the bonus. The FAX MACHINE COMES TO LIFE, printing an inky image. RATH/SCREEN Who is the mark? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Freelancer. A woman. Surveillance specialist. RATH A player? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN We have an M.O... Her system is protected by her 'pussy virus.' Rath looks at the fax; almost entirely black except for the wide, slit-iris cat eyes. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY There is a SCREECH and BLAST of ENGINES as a 747 touches down, heat rising off the tarmac. INT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY Several passengers walk through the gate into the terminal. Across from the gate, Rath sits in a grungy airport cafeteria, reading a folded paper. He is wearing an airport security uniform, a gun holstered to his side. Taped inside the newspaper is a faxed Interpol photograph of a Japanese man wanted for "industrial espionage." At the gate, five Japanese men emerge. Leading the group is the man in Rath's photo. The other four are obviously muscle. Rath watches as they walk down the crowded terminal hall. When they are almost out of sight, he folds his newspaper and begins to follow. His pace and manner is that of a cautious predator. His focus shifts continually from face to face, expecting to find Bain's. His hand hovers near his gun. Ahead of him a thin young man, wearing a long blue trench coat, stops. Rath cannot see his face. The man starts toward a drinking fountain. Rath catches a glimpse of his face. It could be Bain, but he isn't sure. The young man bends over and slurps at the stream of water. He rises into the barrel of Rath's .22. A mouthful of water coughs from his mouth. It is not Bain and in the next instant, the gun is gone. RATH Sorry. My mistake. Rath continues. They young man is unable to move. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY The five men stride through the automated terminal doors and towards a waiting limousine. Further down, Rath, now wearing a black T-shirt and jeans, exits and hails a cab. INT. CAB RATH Hi. Up ahead my boss is in that black limo. We're not sure which hotel we're at, so could you just follow them? CABBY Sure. Rath sits back studying the faces exiting the terminal as the cab pulls away. INT. LIMOUSINE The five men sit in silence. Strangely, a PHONE begins to RING. The older man, whose name is AKIRA, opens his briefcase, removing a cellular phone. AKIRA Hello? We hear Electra's voice. She speaks in Japanese; he uses English. ELECTRA (V.O.) I trust your flight was comfortable? AKIRA Your Japanese is excellent. ELECTRA (V.O.) Tell the driver: the Hyatt Hotel. INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY Electra is pacing, talking into the cellular phone. ELECTRA I'll call you again in twenty minutes. She punches a button and shoves the antennae down. The hotel room looks like her apartment. There is a computer and a series of monitors stacked on top of the wood laminate desk. Cables whip and wind across the carpeted floor to the central air duct. The panel has been removed and intertwined black and gray coaxial run up inside the duct. Immediately, Electra is busy finishing her preparations. She snaps in several power cords and the system comes on- line. On the monitor screen, we see an empty hotel room that looks exactly like the one she is in. INT. CAB Rath stares out the window, watching the surrounding traffic, the limo still in sight. Something occurs to him and he looks down at the folded newspaper where he had hid the contract file. He flips past several documents before finding what he's looking for; the cat. He pulls the dark fax of Nikita and stares at it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Laying on the bed, in a patch of sunlight, Nikita watches Electra rush about. Electra grabs the sheet from under the comforter and yanks it out. ELECTRA Excuse me, your Highness. Nikita casually walks off the bed. Electra takes the sheet to the open duct and tears off a long piece of duct-tape. EXT. HYATT HOTEL The limousine pulls up in the lavish circular driveway. The cab pulls in behind it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra checks her watch and picks up the cellular phone. INT. HYATT LOBBY The Japanese men stand in a cluster looking very rigid and uncomfortable. The BRIEFCASE RINGS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is pacing again. ELECTRA Room 1414. INT. HYATT LOBBY With several other guests, the Japanese men crowd into an elevator. The doors close. Across the lobby, Rath enters, walking past the elevators. INT. ELEVATOR As the elevator rises, we begin to hear a SOUND, a familiar sound. Cramped in the corner is Bain. He is PLAYING "TETRIS," wearing dark sunglasses and a WALKMAN PUMPING SPEED METAL into his ears. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra continues to pace, checking the monitors. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN At the switchboard, a YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE wearing an operator's headset, takes a late breakfast order, typing the order in the hotel computer. YOUNG MAN (YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE) Yes, sir. That'll be up in about thirty minutes. You're welcome. He turns around and Rath is right behind him. INT. ELEVATOR The fourteenth floor; the BELL CHIMES, the doors slide open and the clump of Japanese men get out. Just as the doors begin to close, Bain steps out. INT. HALL Bain follows them down the hall, still PLAYING the GAME. There is again an ominous sense of predator moving in on its prey. As Akira finds 1414 and opens the door, another door burst open, a large family, heading for the pool. The moment is gone; the Japanese men close the door and Bain continues down the hall again, PLAYING the GAME. INT. HOTEL SUITE When the Japanese men enter the suite, we realize that this is the image on Electra's monitors. Surveillance camcorders and microphones are mounted in various locations to display every inch of the room. The group hesitates for a moment, under the electronic eyes. The four goons have their hands in their jackets. A small LAPTOP COMPUTER sits on the coffee table HUMMING SOFTLY. It is the only noise in the room until a speaker crackles. ELECTRA/SPEAKER (V.O.) Good morning, gentlemen. I apologize for the arrangement, but we all know those aren't business cards you're reaching for. If anyone leaves this room, the deal's off. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN The operator is unconscious, slumped in the corner. Rath studies the hotel computer screen intently, the information rolling by. We see that it is the previous night's room service receipts. RATH One vegetarian plate and a can of tuna fish. Room 1014. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stands in front of the monitors watching the men as she speaks into the microphone. ELECTRA Ten thousand dollars per disk. Insert the first disk now. On the monitor, we see Akira at the coffee table shove the first disk into the laptop disk drive. INT. HOTEL SUITE Akira turns from the small computer screen and nods at a goon, who drops a green brick of bound one hundred dollar bills, down the central air duct. The little clock on the laptop ticks away as it copies. INT. HYATT HALL Bain is sitting on a bench entrenched in a fevered game of "TETRIS." Suddenly, he stops. BAIN Yes! The display of the game reads "Game Over" and congratulates Bain on a new high score. Bain stands, smiling. He puts the game in his pocket and starts down the hall. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is crouched at the open duct, grabbing another stack of money, stuffing it into her bag. A LOUD BANG EXPLODES out of the SPEAKERS and she looks up at the monitor. INT. HOTEL SUITE The lock on the door has been broken and standing in the frame is Bain. BAIN Surprise! He raises his arm, his GUN spitting SILENT BULLETS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stares in horror at the monitors as Bain grabs the nearest bodyguard, FIRING a SHOT into his belly. ELECTRA Oh, God. INT. HOTEL SUITE Another SHOT and the second bodyguard falls. The other two draw their handguns and Bain shields himself with the lifeless body of his first victim. They FIRE at Bain but are unable to hit him. Bain squeezes off TWO MORE SHOTS and the two men fall dead. He lets his human shield fall to the ground and levels his gun on the shaking Akira. AKIRA Don't kill me. Bain looks at him and smiles, then FIRES. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra leaps at the computer, ripping the cord from the modem. Bain sees the fiber optic cable and looks right into it. BAIN (V.O.) Tricky. Boy, you just can't trust anyone these days. He licks the lens, leaving a smear of saliva. She stuffs the disks into her bag. She puts Nikita in her "travel kitty" and charges for the door, grabbing her coat. Flinging it over her shoulder, she does not notice the letter from Ken slip out of her pocket as she bolts from the room. INT. HALL Electra explodes through the door and suddenly freezes. She is staring down the barrel of Rath's .22. RATH Don't be stupid and you will live. The elevator behind Rath opens and closes against a hotel lobby ashtray. He waves her into the elevator with his gun. RATH Hurry. EXT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY Electra's black CAR ROARS out of the garage, onto the open street. INT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY The door swings open. From the hall we can hear the familiar BEEPING of the COMPUTER GAME. The room, 1014, is the same as Electra had left it when she ran out. Jutting from a shadow on the floor is the corner of Ken's letter. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Electra drives, obviously nervous, as Rath watches out the rear window. RATH Turn here. No one follows. He turns back to her. RATH How many bodies were there? He checks his watch. ELECTRA What? RATH He has to clean up. How many bodies were there? ELECTRA Um, five. RATH One hour per man. Rath sets the timer on his watch for five hours. INT. HYATT HOTEL ROOM - DAY Bain has returned to room 1414. Wearing rubber gloves, he clicks open a black leather attache and pulls out a can of rug cleaner. He picks up the phone for room service. BAIN Hi. This is room 1414 -- Behind him, in the bathroom mirror, we see one of the Japanese men hanging from the shower by his feet. He is naked. BAIN Yes, could you send up a pot of coffee and my friends are going to need some more towels. Thanks. He hangs up the phone and walks over to one of the large blood stains on the carpet. He points the rug cleaner at the stain covering it with white foam. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Rath sees the entrance for the expressway. RATH Get on the expressway. ELECTRA Where are we going? Rath glances back. RATH Nowhere yet. Electra turns onto the highway and NIKITA HOWLS from the "travel kitty" in the back seat. ELECTRA Nikita, hush. NIKITA wants out and HOWLS again. ELECTRA She won't stop unless you let her out. Rath reaches back and opens the box. Nikita springs into the front seat onto Rath's lap. RATH Nikita? She helped me find you. ELECTRA What? How did you know I had a cat? RATH Took a guess. Lucky for you, I guessed right. ELECTRA Who the fuck are you? Who do you work for? RATH I work for the government. ELECTRA Yeah? She studies his face, his eyes. ELECTRA Bullshit. RATH Yeah. ELECTRA You're one of them, aren't you? A fucking pro. RATH I'm part of the game, just like you. Electra pounds the steering wheel. ELECTRA Jesus! He reaches into the back seat, grabbing her bag. ELECTRA What do you think you're doing? Rath plucks out the bundles of money. RATH Twenty large? That's all? ELECTRA What do you mean, 'that's all'? What in the hell do you know? RATH The bonus on the contract for you was one million dollars. Electra seems ready to jump out of her skin. The speedometer is floating around 90. RATH Slow down. He pulls out the disks. RATH I figure that means these are worth ten times that, maybe more. ELECTRA Ten million -- RATH Now you understand

oases

How many times the word 'oases' appears in the text?

BAIN What? RATH What restaurant? BAIN Uh, Fontella's RATH So you're from around here? BAIN No. No I'm not. Bain is getting agitated. RATH Where you from? BAIN What is this? RATH Not too good at small talk, eh? BAIN Look, I'm real tired and I'm not interested in fucking chit-chat. RATH I know just what you mean. I'm pretty beat myself. Silence. RATH Since you looked like a waiter, I had to ask what restaurant because of what happened at the Trattoria Roma. Bain looks up. BAIN Why? What happened? RATH Didn't you here all them sirens? It's been all over the radio. Some guy shot Leevio Valli, and a bunch of bystanders, in the Trattoria Roma. BAIN No shit. RATH Yeah, it's terrible. I mean Valli, and I don't care what office he's running for, the guy's a crook. He probably had it coming, but all the other people. Real sad. BAIN Yeah. RATH But they caught the guy. I heard it all. Sounded like he just went berserk, fucking loco. Shooting anybody. Drugs, probably. BAIN Probably. RATH I'd love to sit in that jury. Send that S.O.B. right to the chair. Bain allows himself a bemused smile. BAIN Sizzle lean. The cab passes the intersection for the airport. Bain sits up. BAIN What are you doing? RATH What? BAIN That was Peterson back there. That goes to the expressway for the airport. RATH You're right. Talking too much again. BAIN Yeah well, you just blew your tip, pal. RATH What? You think I'm running you up? BAIN Just do your job. Rath pulls over and slaps the cab in park. BAIN What are you doing? RATH Get out. You think I'm running you up? Get out. BAIN You can't -- RATH The hell I can't. It's my cab. I don't like you. So, get the hell out! Bain can't figure out what is wrong, when he sees the dashboard and the missing ID. Their eyes meet in the rearview mirror. BAIN Holy fucking shit! The cab rocks as both men move. Instantly guns fill their hands. Bain ripping out a .357 lifted from one of the dead cops. Rath rolls to the side whipping the gun free from his jacket. Bain throws open the door, about to run, but stops. He looks at Rath. He wants him to run. Anyone who moves away from the bullet proof glass is dead. Both men are silent, each holding the other in their gun sights. Bain blinks, sweat forming on his lip. BAIN I get out, you got me. Bain reaches over and closes the door. He smiles knowing it is the right move. BAIN Now what? Rath calmly uncocks his gun. RATH We're both going to the airport. Bain nods. RATH Sit back. Put your seatbelt on. BAIN No fucking way. RATH Okay, don't. Bain thinks. RATH If either of us fucks around, the other can blow the fuel line. He points his gun at the floor where the fuel line runs. Bain sits back, aiming his gun, watching Rath. Rath eases back into the driver's seat, also holding his gun on the fuel line. He puts the car into drive and slides back into traffic, turning back towards Peterson. They sit in silence, studying each other, when they hit the expressway. Bain can't contain himself, giddy on adrenaline. BAIN Jesus -- I'm being driven to the airport by Robert Rath. He laughs. BAIN I can't believe this. You rolled some cabby for the radio, then waited for an airport fare. He laughs again. BAIN Boy, that's fucking genius. You're a fucking genius. Then you're just sitting there, bullshitting with me. Man, no way I coulda done that! RATH What's your name? We both know it's not Nicholai. BAIN Holy shit! Robert Rath wants to know my name. He leans back. This is a big moment for him. BAIN Bain. Michael Bain. RATH How long have you been freelance? BAIN Two years. Two long fucking years. Something occurs to him and he leans close to the window. BAIN Hey. What I don't get was why didn't you take the shot inside the restaurant? I mean you had me, a free shot. That's what I would have done. RATH It's just a shoot-out then. Sixty- forty, at best. Not my odds. BAIN Sounds like chickenshit -- He laughs hard. BAIN Listen to me calling you chickenshit! He stops laughing and looks closely at the back of Rath's head. BAIN Is that a wig? Shit, I hate wigs! Wigs are the worst part of this job. I'd rather dye my hair than wear a wig. Rath studies him. RATH You're wearing a wig now. Bain chokes on his laugh. BAIN God damn are you good. Everyone says you're so fucking good. I just can't believe I'm still alive. If I believed in God, I'd be down on my knees. Right now -- Hey, how come you just didn't plug us all when we came through the door? Rath does not answer. Bain smiles. He knows something about Rath now; he doesn't like killing innocent people. BAIN Shit if I was you, back there -- He holds his gun up to the bulletproof glass behind Rath's head. BAIN Game over. He laughs. BAIN Do you mind if I ask you a couple of business questions? You know I was wondering how much you bid this job at? Rath says nothing. BAIN You don't have to tell me that. It's just, I know my bid was low, but was it too low? I mean, did I seem like an amateur, like I didn't know what I was doing? RATH We both know what you were doing. Bain moves close to the glass again, checking out Rath's gun. BAIN Smith and Wesson .22 with an eight inch silencer. Classic. When I first heard you used that, I thought, shit, that's a lady's gun. Now, it's all I use. Clean, real clean. He looks at the gun, still trained at the floor. BAIN Would you really blow us? Rath does not have to answer. BAIN Oh! I got a question. Jesus, this has been driving me crazy for years -- shit, listen to me. I sound like some fucking fanboy. I'm sorry, but I just got to ask you. Everybody talks about how you left the Agency and got into the business and then how you went after the Russian, Nicholai Talinkov -- RATH Tachlinkov. BAIN Yeah, that's it. And he's like a fucking genius. They said he shaded you over and over. And in the end, he aced you again. Shaded and faded. They say he's living on some Greek island, but I say that's fucking bullshit. I say you're the best and that you planted his ass. Am I right? Rath says nothing. BAIN I bet I'm right. The car passes under a sign indicating the ramp for the Cleveland airport. BAIN Robert Bain, driving me! Jesus fucking Christ! RATH After those cops, you'll never be able to come back to Cleveland. BAIN Who the fuck cares about Cleveland. Cleveland blows. What kind of marks have they got here? Greasy mobster, teamster or some hand job politician. I want the money marks. I want the marks that you get. A long beat of silence. The CAB RUMBLES up onto the "departures" ramp which circles past all of the terminals. BAIN So what happens now? RATH We go around once. BAIN Bullshit. He throws off his seatbelt. BAIN You tell me that we're gonna go around once, then, while I'm checking out the lay of the land, you bail out and send me flying over the bridge. Right? Am I right? Rath doesn't answer, studying the terminals, noting the police and airport security. Rath studies the terrain. Bain studies Rath. Soon they have passed the entire airport. Rath nods. Steering the car through traffic in onto a circle interchange that will bring them to the beginning. Bain wipes the sweat from his face. RATH Okay. BAIN What? What's okay? Rath begins to accelerate, rounding the interchange. BAIN What are you doing? RATH There's a sand barricade up ahead; I'm going to ram this cab into it. The cab has an airbag, odds are good I'll survive. But with this steel casing and bullet proof glass, odds for you are not so good. Bain laughs. BAIN Oh man, that's sweet. That's fucking sweet. The speedometer continues to climb. BAIN You're bluffing. Rath says nothing. Ahead, at the ramp to the terminals, is the sand barricade. BAIN You're fucking with me. You want me to jump. I jump, you hit the brakes and bang -- Game over. The cab is flying at its target. BAIN No, no. Wait. You don't want me to jump. You're going to jump. I'm stuck back here until it's too late. Wham -- over! RATH I know you're going to jump. Bain looks at him and then at the barricade. RATH You're still young. Young enough to still think you're indestructible. Invincible. You believe with utter certainty you can bail out at the last second and survive. The barricade hurtles toward them, rising up, filling the windshield. RATH If you do survive, we'll see each other again. Bain screams, throwing open the door and hurling himself out. Rath jams on the brakes, TIRES SCREAMING, steering into the steel side rail, banking the car into the drums of sand as -- Bain hits the pavement, bouncing like a stone skipped across water. A driver hits his brakes, swerving, just missing him. SAND EXPLODES from the impact and the cab bounces up over the median into the bus-only lanes as the driver's airbag balloons out of the steering wheel. Bain rolls and rolls, finally stopping sprawled out like a piece of roadkill. The cab careens up onto a curb, slamming into a pole, the radiator spitting out a cloud of WHISTLING STEAM. Several cars lock up and collide to avoid Bain; one car stopping inches from him. A woman jumps out, rushing to the front of the car, but Bain is gone. Police CARS ROAR up into the midst of the accident. One of them pulling alongside the demolished cab. The door is open, the airbag popped. Rath is gone. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY A large six flat leans out from a hill in San Francisco. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT - DAY The apartment is always dark; heavy drapes cover the windows. The dining and living rooms look like the control booth of a network television show, stacks of video monitors and consoles, cables, electric wiring, coils of fiber optic cord duct-taped to the floors, walls and ceilings. They snake through holes punched in the plaster walls and hang everywhere like some technological jungle. At the center of this tangled web is ELECTRA, a beautiful athletic looking woman wearing only her underwear and a worn robe. She is curled up in an overstuffed chair, a bowl of popcorn in her lap. On the monitors, she is watching what at first might be mistaken for a soap opera; a young couple are having an argument. What is strange is that the angle never changes; a fish- eye lens staring down into the room. MAN (V.O.) I don't give a shit what your mother thinks. I'm not sleeping with your mother, I'm sleeping with you. WOMAN (V.O.) You won't be for long, with that attitude. MAN (V.O.) Jesus, Jennifer, if you're so god damned worried about your mother's approval, why don't you move back home so she can pat you on the head when you do something right. ELECTRA Jerk. Jennifer is too stunned to say anything. There is a long pause that is not at all like television. It seems very real. She starts to say something, but stops, trying to keep herself from crying. MAN (V.O.) Oh good. Go ahead and cry. JENNIFER (WOMAN) (V.O.) Would you please leave? Electra lifts her head, smelling the air. ELECTRA Mmm, smell that, Nikita? Nikita, Electra's black cat, is stretched lazily across the top of a chair, her tail twitching absently. Every corner of the chair has been clawed open. Electra reaches for the control board and throws a series of switches. The monitors flicker as the image changes. We are now looking down into a kitchen. A stove is beneath us, almost like a cooking show, where a round woman is taking out a tray of chocolate chip cookies. Electra smells them again, smiling as she inhales. ELECTRA I hope she saves some for us. There is a BANG, a DOOR SLAMMING in another apartment, and a MAN YELLING. Electra switches back to Jennifer's apartment. The man is still in the living room, but Jennifer is gone. MAN (V.O.) Do you think slamming doors is going to help work this out? Electra punches a command into a keyboard. Several of the screens change, showing different rooms of the same apartment. Jennifer is in the bedroom, lying on the bed sobbing, her face buried in a pillow. MAN (V.O.) I can slam doors too! We hear the front DOOR SLAM in the hall outside of Electra's apartment and through the monitor speakers. His stomping FOOTSTEPS FADE as he storms down the hall and staircase out of the building. Electra switches all of the screens to Jennifer. She watches and listens to her cry alone in her bedroom. Electra reaches out; her fingers lightly touch the monitor screen. INT. APARTMENT HALL Electra's front door opens slowly. Timidly, she steps out of her apartment and walks down the hall until she is standing in front of Jennifer's door. She starts to knock, but stops herself. She isn't sure she should do this. She paces, then turns to the door. She knocks, so softly it's almost impossible to hear. She stands, trying to force herself to knock again, when she hears Jennifer. JENNIFER (O.S.) Hello? Ken, is that you? Electra panics. The door knob turns, the door opens and JENNIFER looks out into the hall. It is empty. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT On the monitors, Electra watches Jennifer pick up the phone. JENNIFER (V.O.) Hi, Mom, it's me. Ken and I just had a big fight. Electra's PAGER suddenly SOUNDS. She shuts down the screens and pulls out the pager, checking the number. ELECTRA Crap. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT There is a system set up that is not unlike Rath's system; all of the same components, though the equipment is bigger, more powerful and less portable. On a table there is a bank of phones, several cellular. Electra is talking on one. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra, they are not paying you to sit at home and watch television. Electra is fiddling with five plastic computer disks; each has a MicroCell trademark and is labeled "Back-Up." ELECTRA I wasn't watching television. WOMAN (V.O.) The point is, they are paying for information. Real information. Not tooth paste brands. Not whether he wads of folds his toilet paper. And no 16 hours of recorded phone sex. You are wasting everyone's time with this shit. ELECTRA I thought it was interesting -- WOMAN (V.O.) God damnit, Electra. This is not a game. This is business. ELECTRA Right. In my hands I have five back-up disks he made of all of his work last night. WOMAN (V.O.) Jesus! Why didn't you tell me? ELECTRA I'll make my usual arrangements and expect my usual bonus. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra -- ELECTRA A pleasure doing business with you. She hangs up. INT. LOBBY Electra comes down the stairs. Outside the large glass door she sees KEN, Jennifer's boyfriend, leaving. On the lobby floor is a letter, apparently slipped under the door, addressed to Jennifer Morgan. Electra looks out the front door window, making sure that Ken is gone. She picks up the letter and stuffs it into her pocket. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is at his computer system. He is staring at it, like it is a living thing, a person that he despises, the blank screen reflecting his own face. It is an effort to bring himself to touch the keyboard, to type in his code. He waits. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Hello, Robert. Rath wants to type something but hesitates. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know what happened. RATH I bet you fucking know! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN It cost us. Rath jumps out of his chair, screaming at the screen. RATH I give a fuck? I'm done! I quit! Do you fucking hear me! I'm fucking gone! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN He stole another contract. Rath turns from the monitor, pacing. Trying to collect himself. RATH I'm being set up. Fucking set up! He looks at the chess board. He hovers over it, the pattern completely familiar. RATH Is this how it went, Nick? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Robert? Robert? Rath turns back to the screen, speaking as he types. RATH/SCREEN How did he know? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Know what? RATH/SCREEN The fucking contract! How in the fuck did he know. A long beat. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Such language in front of a lady. Rath still talking and typing. RATH/SCREEN I don't know what the fuck you are. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know. It was a joke. Rath stands, no longer typing. RATH A joke? A joke? Rath takes out his gun and levels it at the face of the screen. RATH You think this is a fucking joke? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN $1,000,000. Rath looks at the number. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN That's the bonus on the contract. Rath puts the gun down. RATH/SCREEN Deadline? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Tomorrow. The buyer is Japanese. His retirement a condition of the bonus. The FAX MACHINE COMES TO LIFE, printing an inky image. RATH/SCREEN Who is the mark? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Freelancer. A woman. Surveillance specialist. RATH A player? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN We have an M.O... Her system is protected by her 'pussy virus.' Rath looks at the fax; almost entirely black except for the wide, slit-iris cat eyes. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY There is a SCREECH and BLAST of ENGINES as a 747 touches down, heat rising off the tarmac. INT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY Several passengers walk through the gate into the terminal. Across from the gate, Rath sits in a grungy airport cafeteria, reading a folded paper. He is wearing an airport security uniform, a gun holstered to his side. Taped inside the newspaper is a faxed Interpol photograph of a Japanese man wanted for "industrial espionage." At the gate, five Japanese men emerge. Leading the group is the man in Rath's photo. The other four are obviously muscle. Rath watches as they walk down the crowded terminal hall. When they are almost out of sight, he folds his newspaper and begins to follow. His pace and manner is that of a cautious predator. His focus shifts continually from face to face, expecting to find Bain's. His hand hovers near his gun. Ahead of him a thin young man, wearing a long blue trench coat, stops. Rath cannot see his face. The man starts toward a drinking fountain. Rath catches a glimpse of his face. It could be Bain, but he isn't sure. The young man bends over and slurps at the stream of water. He rises into the barrel of Rath's .22. A mouthful of water coughs from his mouth. It is not Bain and in the next instant, the gun is gone. RATH Sorry. My mistake. Rath continues. They young man is unable to move. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY The five men stride through the automated terminal doors and towards a waiting limousine. Further down, Rath, now wearing a black T-shirt and jeans, exits and hails a cab. INT. CAB RATH Hi. Up ahead my boss is in that black limo. We're not sure which hotel we're at, so could you just follow them? CABBY Sure. Rath sits back studying the faces exiting the terminal as the cab pulls away. INT. LIMOUSINE The five men sit in silence. Strangely, a PHONE begins to RING. The older man, whose name is AKIRA, opens his briefcase, removing a cellular phone. AKIRA Hello? We hear Electra's voice. She speaks in Japanese; he uses English. ELECTRA (V.O.) I trust your flight was comfortable? AKIRA Your Japanese is excellent. ELECTRA (V.O.) Tell the driver: the Hyatt Hotel. INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY Electra is pacing, talking into the cellular phone. ELECTRA I'll call you again in twenty minutes. She punches a button and shoves the antennae down. The hotel room looks like her apartment. There is a computer and a series of monitors stacked on top of the wood laminate desk. Cables whip and wind across the carpeted floor to the central air duct. The panel has been removed and intertwined black and gray coaxial run up inside the duct. Immediately, Electra is busy finishing her preparations. She snaps in several power cords and the system comes on- line. On the monitor screen, we see an empty hotel room that looks exactly like the one she is in. INT. CAB Rath stares out the window, watching the surrounding traffic, the limo still in sight. Something occurs to him and he looks down at the folded newspaper where he had hid the contract file. He flips past several documents before finding what he's looking for; the cat. He pulls the dark fax of Nikita and stares at it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Laying on the bed, in a patch of sunlight, Nikita watches Electra rush about. Electra grabs the sheet from under the comforter and yanks it out. ELECTRA Excuse me, your Highness. Nikita casually walks off the bed. Electra takes the sheet to the open duct and tears off a long piece of duct-tape. EXT. HYATT HOTEL The limousine pulls up in the lavish circular driveway. The cab pulls in behind it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra checks her watch and picks up the cellular phone. INT. HYATT LOBBY The Japanese men stand in a cluster looking very rigid and uncomfortable. The BRIEFCASE RINGS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is pacing again. ELECTRA Room 1414. INT. HYATT LOBBY With several other guests, the Japanese men crowd into an elevator. The doors close. Across the lobby, Rath enters, walking past the elevators. INT. ELEVATOR As the elevator rises, we begin to hear a SOUND, a familiar sound. Cramped in the corner is Bain. He is PLAYING "TETRIS," wearing dark sunglasses and a WALKMAN PUMPING SPEED METAL into his ears. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra continues to pace, checking the monitors. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN At the switchboard, a YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE wearing an operator's headset, takes a late breakfast order, typing the order in the hotel computer. YOUNG MAN (YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE) Yes, sir. That'll be up in about thirty minutes. You're welcome. He turns around and Rath is right behind him. INT. ELEVATOR The fourteenth floor; the BELL CHIMES, the doors slide open and the clump of Japanese men get out. Just as the doors begin to close, Bain steps out. INT. HALL Bain follows them down the hall, still PLAYING the GAME. There is again an ominous sense of predator moving in on its prey. As Akira finds 1414 and opens the door, another door burst open, a large family, heading for the pool. The moment is gone; the Japanese men close the door and Bain continues down the hall again, PLAYING the GAME. INT. HOTEL SUITE When the Japanese men enter the suite, we realize that this is the image on Electra's monitors. Surveillance camcorders and microphones are mounted in various locations to display every inch of the room. The group hesitates for a moment, under the electronic eyes. The four goons have their hands in their jackets. A small LAPTOP COMPUTER sits on the coffee table HUMMING SOFTLY. It is the only noise in the room until a speaker crackles. ELECTRA/SPEAKER (V.O.) Good morning, gentlemen. I apologize for the arrangement, but we all know those aren't business cards you're reaching for. If anyone leaves this room, the deal's off. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN The operator is unconscious, slumped in the corner. Rath studies the hotel computer screen intently, the information rolling by. We see that it is the previous night's room service receipts. RATH One vegetarian plate and a can of tuna fish. Room 1014. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stands in front of the monitors watching the men as she speaks into the microphone. ELECTRA Ten thousand dollars per disk. Insert the first disk now. On the monitor, we see Akira at the coffee table shove the first disk into the laptop disk drive. INT. HOTEL SUITE Akira turns from the small computer screen and nods at a goon, who drops a green brick of bound one hundred dollar bills, down the central air duct. The little clock on the laptop ticks away as it copies. INT. HYATT HALL Bain is sitting on a bench entrenched in a fevered game of "TETRIS." Suddenly, he stops. BAIN Yes! The display of the game reads "Game Over" and congratulates Bain on a new high score. Bain stands, smiling. He puts the game in his pocket and starts down the hall. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is crouched at the open duct, grabbing another stack of money, stuffing it into her bag. A LOUD BANG EXPLODES out of the SPEAKERS and she looks up at the monitor. INT. HOTEL SUITE The lock on the door has been broken and standing in the frame is Bain. BAIN Surprise! He raises his arm, his GUN spitting SILENT BULLETS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stares in horror at the monitors as Bain grabs the nearest bodyguard, FIRING a SHOT into his belly. ELECTRA Oh, God. INT. HOTEL SUITE Another SHOT and the second bodyguard falls. The other two draw their handguns and Bain shields himself with the lifeless body of his first victim. They FIRE at Bain but are unable to hit him. Bain squeezes off TWO MORE SHOTS and the two men fall dead. He lets his human shield fall to the ground and levels his gun on the shaking Akira. AKIRA Don't kill me. Bain looks at him and smiles, then FIRES. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra leaps at the computer, ripping the cord from the modem. Bain sees the fiber optic cable and looks right into it. BAIN (V.O.) Tricky. Boy, you just can't trust anyone these days. He licks the lens, leaving a smear of saliva. She stuffs the disks into her bag. She puts Nikita in her "travel kitty" and charges for the door, grabbing her coat. Flinging it over her shoulder, she does not notice the letter from Ken slip out of her pocket as she bolts from the room. INT. HALL Electra explodes through the door and suddenly freezes. She is staring down the barrel of Rath's .22. RATH Don't be stupid and you will live. The elevator behind Rath opens and closes against a hotel lobby ashtray. He waves her into the elevator with his gun. RATH Hurry. EXT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY Electra's black CAR ROARS out of the garage, onto the open street. INT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY The door swings open. From the hall we can hear the familiar BEEPING of the COMPUTER GAME. The room, 1014, is the same as Electra had left it when she ran out. Jutting from a shadow on the floor is the corner of Ken's letter. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Electra drives, obviously nervous, as Rath watches out the rear window. RATH Turn here. No one follows. He turns back to her. RATH How many bodies were there? He checks his watch. ELECTRA What? RATH He has to clean up. How many bodies were there? ELECTRA Um, five. RATH One hour per man. Rath sets the timer on his watch for five hours. INT. HYATT HOTEL ROOM - DAY Bain has returned to room 1414. Wearing rubber gloves, he clicks open a black leather attache and pulls out a can of rug cleaner. He picks up the phone for room service. BAIN Hi. This is room 1414 -- Behind him, in the bathroom mirror, we see one of the Japanese men hanging from the shower by his feet. He is naked. BAIN Yes, could you send up a pot of coffee and my friends are going to need some more towels. Thanks. He hangs up the phone and walks over to one of the large blood stains on the carpet. He points the rug cleaner at the stain covering it with white foam. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Rath sees the entrance for the expressway. RATH Get on the expressway. ELECTRA Where are we going? Rath glances back. RATH Nowhere yet. Electra turns onto the highway and NIKITA HOWLS from the "travel kitty" in the back seat. ELECTRA Nikita, hush. NIKITA wants out and HOWLS again. ELECTRA She won't stop unless you let her out. Rath reaches back and opens the box. Nikita springs into the front seat onto Rath's lap. RATH Nikita? She helped me find you. ELECTRA What? How did you know I had a cat? RATH Took a guess. Lucky for you, I guessed right. ELECTRA Who the fuck are you? Who do you work for? RATH I work for the government. ELECTRA Yeah? She studies his face, his eyes. ELECTRA Bullshit. RATH Yeah. ELECTRA You're one of them, aren't you? A fucking pro. RATH I'm part of the game, just like you. Electra pounds the steering wheel. ELECTRA Jesus! He reaches into the back seat, grabbing her bag. ELECTRA What do you think you're doing? Rath plucks out the bundles of money. RATH Twenty large? That's all? ELECTRA What do you mean, 'that's all'? What in the hell do you know? RATH The bonus on the contract for you was one million dollars. Electra seems ready to jump out of her skin. The speedometer is floating around 90. RATH Slow down. He pulls out the disks. RATH I figure that means these are worth ten times that, maybe more. ELECTRA Ten million -- RATH Now you understand

go

How many times the word 'go' appears in the text?

BAIN What? RATH What restaurant? BAIN Uh, Fontella's RATH So you're from around here? BAIN No. No I'm not. Bain is getting agitated. RATH Where you from? BAIN What is this? RATH Not too good at small talk, eh? BAIN Look, I'm real tired and I'm not interested in fucking chit-chat. RATH I know just what you mean. I'm pretty beat myself. Silence. RATH Since you looked like a waiter, I had to ask what restaurant because of what happened at the Trattoria Roma. Bain looks up. BAIN Why? What happened? RATH Didn't you here all them sirens? It's been all over the radio. Some guy shot Leevio Valli, and a bunch of bystanders, in the Trattoria Roma. BAIN No shit. RATH Yeah, it's terrible. I mean Valli, and I don't care what office he's running for, the guy's a crook. He probably had it coming, but all the other people. Real sad. BAIN Yeah. RATH But they caught the guy. I heard it all. Sounded like he just went berserk, fucking loco. Shooting anybody. Drugs, probably. BAIN Probably. RATH I'd love to sit in that jury. Send that S.O.B. right to the chair. Bain allows himself a bemused smile. BAIN Sizzle lean. The cab passes the intersection for the airport. Bain sits up. BAIN What are you doing? RATH What? BAIN That was Peterson back there. That goes to the expressway for the airport. RATH You're right. Talking too much again. BAIN Yeah well, you just blew your tip, pal. RATH What? You think I'm running you up? BAIN Just do your job. Rath pulls over and slaps the cab in park. BAIN What are you doing? RATH Get out. You think I'm running you up? Get out. BAIN You can't -- RATH The hell I can't. It's my cab. I don't like you. So, get the hell out! Bain can't figure out what is wrong, when he sees the dashboard and the missing ID. Their eyes meet in the rearview mirror. BAIN Holy fucking shit! The cab rocks as both men move. Instantly guns fill their hands. Bain ripping out a .357 lifted from one of the dead cops. Rath rolls to the side whipping the gun free from his jacket. Bain throws open the door, about to run, but stops. He looks at Rath. He wants him to run. Anyone who moves away from the bullet proof glass is dead. Both men are silent, each holding the other in their gun sights. Bain blinks, sweat forming on his lip. BAIN I get out, you got me. Bain reaches over and closes the door. He smiles knowing it is the right move. BAIN Now what? Rath calmly uncocks his gun. RATH We're both going to the airport. Bain nods. RATH Sit back. Put your seatbelt on. BAIN No fucking way. RATH Okay, don't. Bain thinks. RATH If either of us fucks around, the other can blow the fuel line. He points his gun at the floor where the fuel line runs. Bain sits back, aiming his gun, watching Rath. Rath eases back into the driver's seat, also holding his gun on the fuel line. He puts the car into drive and slides back into traffic, turning back towards Peterson. They sit in silence, studying each other, when they hit the expressway. Bain can't contain himself, giddy on adrenaline. BAIN Jesus -- I'm being driven to the airport by Robert Rath. He laughs. BAIN I can't believe this. You rolled some cabby for the radio, then waited for an airport fare. He laughs again. BAIN Boy, that's fucking genius. You're a fucking genius. Then you're just sitting there, bullshitting with me. Man, no way I coulda done that! RATH What's your name? We both know it's not Nicholai. BAIN Holy shit! Robert Rath wants to know my name. He leans back. This is a big moment for him. BAIN Bain. Michael Bain. RATH How long have you been freelance? BAIN Two years. Two long fucking years. Something occurs to him and he leans close to the window. BAIN Hey. What I don't get was why didn't you take the shot inside the restaurant? I mean you had me, a free shot. That's what I would have done. RATH It's just a shoot-out then. Sixty- forty, at best. Not my odds. BAIN Sounds like chickenshit -- He laughs hard. BAIN Listen to me calling you chickenshit! He stops laughing and looks closely at the back of Rath's head. BAIN Is that a wig? Shit, I hate wigs! Wigs are the worst part of this job. I'd rather dye my hair than wear a wig. Rath studies him. RATH You're wearing a wig now. Bain chokes on his laugh. BAIN God damn are you good. Everyone says you're so fucking good. I just can't believe I'm still alive. If I believed in God, I'd be down on my knees. Right now -- Hey, how come you just didn't plug us all when we came through the door? Rath does not answer. Bain smiles. He knows something about Rath now; he doesn't like killing innocent people. BAIN Shit if I was you, back there -- He holds his gun up to the bulletproof glass behind Rath's head. BAIN Game over. He laughs. BAIN Do you mind if I ask you a couple of business questions? You know I was wondering how much you bid this job at? Rath says nothing. BAIN You don't have to tell me that. It's just, I know my bid was low, but was it too low? I mean, did I seem like an amateur, like I didn't know what I was doing? RATH We both know what you were doing. Bain moves close to the glass again, checking out Rath's gun. BAIN Smith and Wesson .22 with an eight inch silencer. Classic. When I first heard you used that, I thought, shit, that's a lady's gun. Now, it's all I use. Clean, real clean. He looks at the gun, still trained at the floor. BAIN Would you really blow us? Rath does not have to answer. BAIN Oh! I got a question. Jesus, this has been driving me crazy for years -- shit, listen to me. I sound like some fucking fanboy. I'm sorry, but I just got to ask you. Everybody talks about how you left the Agency and got into the business and then how you went after the Russian, Nicholai Talinkov -- RATH Tachlinkov. BAIN Yeah, that's it. And he's like a fucking genius. They said he shaded you over and over. And in the end, he aced you again. Shaded and faded. They say he's living on some Greek island, but I say that's fucking bullshit. I say you're the best and that you planted his ass. Am I right? Rath says nothing. BAIN I bet I'm right. The car passes under a sign indicating the ramp for the Cleveland airport. BAIN Robert Bain, driving me! Jesus fucking Christ! RATH After those cops, you'll never be able to come back to Cleveland. BAIN Who the fuck cares about Cleveland. Cleveland blows. What kind of marks have they got here? Greasy mobster, teamster or some hand job politician. I want the money marks. I want the marks that you get. A long beat of silence. The CAB RUMBLES up onto the "departures" ramp which circles past all of the terminals. BAIN So what happens now? RATH We go around once. BAIN Bullshit. He throws off his seatbelt. BAIN You tell me that we're gonna go around once, then, while I'm checking out the lay of the land, you bail out and send me flying over the bridge. Right? Am I right? Rath doesn't answer, studying the terminals, noting the police and airport security. Rath studies the terrain. Bain studies Rath. Soon they have passed the entire airport. Rath nods. Steering the car through traffic in onto a circle interchange that will bring them to the beginning. Bain wipes the sweat from his face. RATH Okay. BAIN What? What's okay? Rath begins to accelerate, rounding the interchange. BAIN What are you doing? RATH There's a sand barricade up ahead; I'm going to ram this cab into it. The cab has an airbag, odds are good I'll survive. But with this steel casing and bullet proof glass, odds for you are not so good. Bain laughs. BAIN Oh man, that's sweet. That's fucking sweet. The speedometer continues to climb. BAIN You're bluffing. Rath says nothing. Ahead, at the ramp to the terminals, is the sand barricade. BAIN You're fucking with me. You want me to jump. I jump, you hit the brakes and bang -- Game over. The cab is flying at its target. BAIN No, no. Wait. You don't want me to jump. You're going to jump. I'm stuck back here until it's too late. Wham -- over! RATH I know you're going to jump. Bain looks at him and then at the barricade. RATH You're still young. Young enough to still think you're indestructible. Invincible. You believe with utter certainty you can bail out at the last second and survive. The barricade hurtles toward them, rising up, filling the windshield. RATH If you do survive, we'll see each other again. Bain screams, throwing open the door and hurling himself out. Rath jams on the brakes, TIRES SCREAMING, steering into the steel side rail, banking the car into the drums of sand as -- Bain hits the pavement, bouncing like a stone skipped across water. A driver hits his brakes, swerving, just missing him. SAND EXPLODES from the impact and the cab bounces up over the median into the bus-only lanes as the driver's airbag balloons out of the steering wheel. Bain rolls and rolls, finally stopping sprawled out like a piece of roadkill. The cab careens up onto a curb, slamming into a pole, the radiator spitting out a cloud of WHISTLING STEAM. Several cars lock up and collide to avoid Bain; one car stopping inches from him. A woman jumps out, rushing to the front of the car, but Bain is gone. Police CARS ROAR up into the midst of the accident. One of them pulling alongside the demolished cab. The door is open, the airbag popped. Rath is gone. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY A large six flat leans out from a hill in San Francisco. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT - DAY The apartment is always dark; heavy drapes cover the windows. The dining and living rooms look like the control booth of a network television show, stacks of video monitors and consoles, cables, electric wiring, coils of fiber optic cord duct-taped to the floors, walls and ceilings. They snake through holes punched in the plaster walls and hang everywhere like some technological jungle. At the center of this tangled web is ELECTRA, a beautiful athletic looking woman wearing only her underwear and a worn robe. She is curled up in an overstuffed chair, a bowl of popcorn in her lap. On the monitors, she is watching what at first might be mistaken for a soap opera; a young couple are having an argument. What is strange is that the angle never changes; a fish- eye lens staring down into the room. MAN (V.O.) I don't give a shit what your mother thinks. I'm not sleeping with your mother, I'm sleeping with you. WOMAN (V.O.) You won't be for long, with that attitude. MAN (V.O.) Jesus, Jennifer, if you're so god damned worried about your mother's approval, why don't you move back home so she can pat you on the head when you do something right. ELECTRA Jerk. Jennifer is too stunned to say anything. There is a long pause that is not at all like television. It seems very real. She starts to say something, but stops, trying to keep herself from crying. MAN (V.O.) Oh good. Go ahead and cry. JENNIFER (WOMAN) (V.O.) Would you please leave? Electra lifts her head, smelling the air. ELECTRA Mmm, smell that, Nikita? Nikita, Electra's black cat, is stretched lazily across the top of a chair, her tail twitching absently. Every corner of the chair has been clawed open. Electra reaches for the control board and throws a series of switches. The monitors flicker as the image changes. We are now looking down into a kitchen. A stove is beneath us, almost like a cooking show, where a round woman is taking out a tray of chocolate chip cookies. Electra smells them again, smiling as she inhales. ELECTRA I hope she saves some for us. There is a BANG, a DOOR SLAMMING in another apartment, and a MAN YELLING. Electra switches back to Jennifer's apartment. The man is still in the living room, but Jennifer is gone. MAN (V.O.) Do you think slamming doors is going to help work this out? Electra punches a command into a keyboard. Several of the screens change, showing different rooms of the same apartment. Jennifer is in the bedroom, lying on the bed sobbing, her face buried in a pillow. MAN (V.O.) I can slam doors too! We hear the front DOOR SLAM in the hall outside of Electra's apartment and through the monitor speakers. His stomping FOOTSTEPS FADE as he storms down the hall and staircase out of the building. Electra switches all of the screens to Jennifer. She watches and listens to her cry alone in her bedroom. Electra reaches out; her fingers lightly touch the monitor screen. INT. APARTMENT HALL Electra's front door opens slowly. Timidly, she steps out of her apartment and walks down the hall until she is standing in front of Jennifer's door. She starts to knock, but stops herself. She isn't sure she should do this. She paces, then turns to the door. She knocks, so softly it's almost impossible to hear. She stands, trying to force herself to knock again, when she hears Jennifer. JENNIFER (O.S.) Hello? Ken, is that you? Electra panics. The door knob turns, the door opens and JENNIFER looks out into the hall. It is empty. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT On the monitors, Electra watches Jennifer pick up the phone. JENNIFER (V.O.) Hi, Mom, it's me. Ken and I just had a big fight. Electra's PAGER suddenly SOUNDS. She shuts down the screens and pulls out the pager, checking the number. ELECTRA Crap. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT There is a system set up that is not unlike Rath's system; all of the same components, though the equipment is bigger, more powerful and less portable. On a table there is a bank of phones, several cellular. Electra is talking on one. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra, they are not paying you to sit at home and watch television. Electra is fiddling with five plastic computer disks; each has a MicroCell trademark and is labeled "Back-Up." ELECTRA I wasn't watching television. WOMAN (V.O.) The point is, they are paying for information. Real information. Not tooth paste brands. Not whether he wads of folds his toilet paper. And no 16 hours of recorded phone sex. You are wasting everyone's time with this shit. ELECTRA I thought it was interesting -- WOMAN (V.O.) God damnit, Electra. This is not a game. This is business. ELECTRA Right. In my hands I have five back-up disks he made of all of his work last night. WOMAN (V.O.) Jesus! Why didn't you tell me? ELECTRA I'll make my usual arrangements and expect my usual bonus. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra -- ELECTRA A pleasure doing business with you. She hangs up. INT. LOBBY Electra comes down the stairs. Outside the large glass door she sees KEN, Jennifer's boyfriend, leaving. On the lobby floor is a letter, apparently slipped under the door, addressed to Jennifer Morgan. Electra looks out the front door window, making sure that Ken is gone. She picks up the letter and stuffs it into her pocket. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is at his computer system. He is staring at it, like it is a living thing, a person that he despises, the blank screen reflecting his own face. It is an effort to bring himself to touch the keyboard, to type in his code. He waits. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Hello, Robert. Rath wants to type something but hesitates. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know what happened. RATH I bet you fucking know! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN It cost us. Rath jumps out of his chair, screaming at the screen. RATH I give a fuck? I'm done! I quit! Do you fucking hear me! I'm fucking gone! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN He stole another contract. Rath turns from the monitor, pacing. Trying to collect himself. RATH I'm being set up. Fucking set up! He looks at the chess board. He hovers over it, the pattern completely familiar. RATH Is this how it went, Nick? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Robert? Robert? Rath turns back to the screen, speaking as he types. RATH/SCREEN How did he know? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Know what? RATH/SCREEN The fucking contract! How in the fuck did he know. A long beat. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Such language in front of a lady. Rath still talking and typing. RATH/SCREEN I don't know what the fuck you are. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know. It was a joke. Rath stands, no longer typing. RATH A joke? A joke? Rath takes out his gun and levels it at the face of the screen. RATH You think this is a fucking joke? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN $1,000,000. Rath looks at the number. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN That's the bonus on the contract. Rath puts the gun down. RATH/SCREEN Deadline? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Tomorrow. The buyer is Japanese. His retirement a condition of the bonus. The FAX MACHINE COMES TO LIFE, printing an inky image. RATH/SCREEN Who is the mark? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Freelancer. A woman. Surveillance specialist. RATH A player? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN We have an M.O... Her system is protected by her 'pussy virus.' Rath looks at the fax; almost entirely black except for the wide, slit-iris cat eyes. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY There is a SCREECH and BLAST of ENGINES as a 747 touches down, heat rising off the tarmac. INT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY Several passengers walk through the gate into the terminal. Across from the gate, Rath sits in a grungy airport cafeteria, reading a folded paper. He is wearing an airport security uniform, a gun holstered to his side. Taped inside the newspaper is a faxed Interpol photograph of a Japanese man wanted for "industrial espionage." At the gate, five Japanese men emerge. Leading the group is the man in Rath's photo. The other four are obviously muscle. Rath watches as they walk down the crowded terminal hall. When they are almost out of sight, he folds his newspaper and begins to follow. His pace and manner is that of a cautious predator. His focus shifts continually from face to face, expecting to find Bain's. His hand hovers near his gun. Ahead of him a thin young man, wearing a long blue trench coat, stops. Rath cannot see his face. The man starts toward a drinking fountain. Rath catches a glimpse of his face. It could be Bain, but he isn't sure. The young man bends over and slurps at the stream of water. He rises into the barrel of Rath's .22. A mouthful of water coughs from his mouth. It is not Bain and in the next instant, the gun is gone. RATH Sorry. My mistake. Rath continues. They young man is unable to move. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY The five men stride through the automated terminal doors and towards a waiting limousine. Further down, Rath, now wearing a black T-shirt and jeans, exits and hails a cab. INT. CAB RATH Hi. Up ahead my boss is in that black limo. We're not sure which hotel we're at, so could you just follow them? CABBY Sure. Rath sits back studying the faces exiting the terminal as the cab pulls away. INT. LIMOUSINE The five men sit in silence. Strangely, a PHONE begins to RING. The older man, whose name is AKIRA, opens his briefcase, removing a cellular phone. AKIRA Hello? We hear Electra's voice. She speaks in Japanese; he uses English. ELECTRA (V.O.) I trust your flight was comfortable? AKIRA Your Japanese is excellent. ELECTRA (V.O.) Tell the driver: the Hyatt Hotel. INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY Electra is pacing, talking into the cellular phone. ELECTRA I'll call you again in twenty minutes. She punches a button and shoves the antennae down. The hotel room looks like her apartment. There is a computer and a series of monitors stacked on top of the wood laminate desk. Cables whip and wind across the carpeted floor to the central air duct. The panel has been removed and intertwined black and gray coaxial run up inside the duct. Immediately, Electra is busy finishing her preparations. She snaps in several power cords and the system comes on- line. On the monitor screen, we see an empty hotel room that looks exactly like the one she is in. INT. CAB Rath stares out the window, watching the surrounding traffic, the limo still in sight. Something occurs to him and he looks down at the folded newspaper where he had hid the contract file. He flips past several documents before finding what he's looking for; the cat. He pulls the dark fax of Nikita and stares at it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Laying on the bed, in a patch of sunlight, Nikita watches Electra rush about. Electra grabs the sheet from under the comforter and yanks it out. ELECTRA Excuse me, your Highness. Nikita casually walks off the bed. Electra takes the sheet to the open duct and tears off a long piece of duct-tape. EXT. HYATT HOTEL The limousine pulls up in the lavish circular driveway. The cab pulls in behind it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra checks her watch and picks up the cellular phone. INT. HYATT LOBBY The Japanese men stand in a cluster looking very rigid and uncomfortable. The BRIEFCASE RINGS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is pacing again. ELECTRA Room 1414. INT. HYATT LOBBY With several other guests, the Japanese men crowd into an elevator. The doors close. Across the lobby, Rath enters, walking past the elevators. INT. ELEVATOR As the elevator rises, we begin to hear a SOUND, a familiar sound. Cramped in the corner is Bain. He is PLAYING "TETRIS," wearing dark sunglasses and a WALKMAN PUMPING SPEED METAL into his ears. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra continues to pace, checking the monitors. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN At the switchboard, a YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE wearing an operator's headset, takes a late breakfast order, typing the order in the hotel computer. YOUNG MAN (YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE) Yes, sir. That'll be up in about thirty minutes. You're welcome. He turns around and Rath is right behind him. INT. ELEVATOR The fourteenth floor; the BELL CHIMES, the doors slide open and the clump of Japanese men get out. Just as the doors begin to close, Bain steps out. INT. HALL Bain follows them down the hall, still PLAYING the GAME. There is again an ominous sense of predator moving in on its prey. As Akira finds 1414 and opens the door, another door burst open, a large family, heading for the pool. The moment is gone; the Japanese men close the door and Bain continues down the hall again, PLAYING the GAME. INT. HOTEL SUITE When the Japanese men enter the suite, we realize that this is the image on Electra's monitors. Surveillance camcorders and microphones are mounted in various locations to display every inch of the room. The group hesitates for a moment, under the electronic eyes. The four goons have their hands in their jackets. A small LAPTOP COMPUTER sits on the coffee table HUMMING SOFTLY. It is the only noise in the room until a speaker crackles. ELECTRA/SPEAKER (V.O.) Good morning, gentlemen. I apologize for the arrangement, but we all know those aren't business cards you're reaching for. If anyone leaves this room, the deal's off. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN The operator is unconscious, slumped in the corner. Rath studies the hotel computer screen intently, the information rolling by. We see that it is the previous night's room service receipts. RATH One vegetarian plate and a can of tuna fish. Room 1014. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stands in front of the monitors watching the men as she speaks into the microphone. ELECTRA Ten thousand dollars per disk. Insert the first disk now. On the monitor, we see Akira at the coffee table shove the first disk into the laptop disk drive. INT. HOTEL SUITE Akira turns from the small computer screen and nods at a goon, who drops a green brick of bound one hundred dollar bills, down the central air duct. The little clock on the laptop ticks away as it copies. INT. HYATT HALL Bain is sitting on a bench entrenched in a fevered game of "TETRIS." Suddenly, he stops. BAIN Yes! The display of the game reads "Game Over" and congratulates Bain on a new high score. Bain stands, smiling. He puts the game in his pocket and starts down the hall. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is crouched at the open duct, grabbing another stack of money, stuffing it into her bag. A LOUD BANG EXPLODES out of the SPEAKERS and she looks up at the monitor. INT. HOTEL SUITE The lock on the door has been broken and standing in the frame is Bain. BAIN Surprise! He raises his arm, his GUN spitting SILENT BULLETS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stares in horror at the monitors as Bain grabs the nearest bodyguard, FIRING a SHOT into his belly. ELECTRA Oh, God. INT. HOTEL SUITE Another SHOT and the second bodyguard falls. The other two draw their handguns and Bain shields himself with the lifeless body of his first victim. They FIRE at Bain but are unable to hit him. Bain squeezes off TWO MORE SHOTS and the two men fall dead. He lets his human shield fall to the ground and levels his gun on the shaking Akira. AKIRA Don't kill me. Bain looks at him and smiles, then FIRES. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra leaps at the computer, ripping the cord from the modem. Bain sees the fiber optic cable and looks right into it. BAIN (V.O.) Tricky. Boy, you just can't trust anyone these days. He licks the lens, leaving a smear of saliva. She stuffs the disks into her bag. She puts Nikita in her "travel kitty" and charges for the door, grabbing her coat. Flinging it over her shoulder, she does not notice the letter from Ken slip out of her pocket as she bolts from the room. INT. HALL Electra explodes through the door and suddenly freezes. She is staring down the barrel of Rath's .22. RATH Don't be stupid and you will live. The elevator behind Rath opens and closes against a hotel lobby ashtray. He waves her into the elevator with his gun. RATH Hurry. EXT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY Electra's black CAR ROARS out of the garage, onto the open street. INT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY The door swings open. From the hall we can hear the familiar BEEPING of the COMPUTER GAME. The room, 1014, is the same as Electra had left it when she ran out. Jutting from a shadow on the floor is the corner of Ken's letter. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Electra drives, obviously nervous, as Rath watches out the rear window. RATH Turn here. No one follows. He turns back to her. RATH How many bodies were there? He checks his watch. ELECTRA What? RATH He has to clean up. How many bodies were there? ELECTRA Um, five. RATH One hour per man. Rath sets the timer on his watch for five hours. INT. HYATT HOTEL ROOM - DAY Bain has returned to room 1414. Wearing rubber gloves, he clicks open a black leather attache and pulls out a can of rug cleaner. He picks up the phone for room service. BAIN Hi. This is room 1414 -- Behind him, in the bathroom mirror, we see one of the Japanese men hanging from the shower by his feet. He is naked. BAIN Yes, could you send up a pot of coffee and my friends are going to need some more towels. Thanks. He hangs up the phone and walks over to one of the large blood stains on the carpet. He points the rug cleaner at the stain covering it with white foam. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Rath sees the entrance for the expressway. RATH Get on the expressway. ELECTRA Where are we going? Rath glances back. RATH Nowhere yet. Electra turns onto the highway and NIKITA HOWLS from the "travel kitty" in the back seat. ELECTRA Nikita, hush. NIKITA wants out and HOWLS again. ELECTRA She won't stop unless you let her out. Rath reaches back and opens the box. Nikita springs into the front seat onto Rath's lap. RATH Nikita? She helped me find you. ELECTRA What? How did you know I had a cat? RATH Took a guess. Lucky for you, I guessed right. ELECTRA Who the fuck are you? Who do you work for? RATH I work for the government. ELECTRA Yeah? She studies his face, his eyes. ELECTRA Bullshit. RATH Yeah. ELECTRA You're one of them, aren't you? A fucking pro. RATH I'm part of the game, just like you. Electra pounds the steering wheel. ELECTRA Jesus! He reaches into the back seat, grabbing her bag. ELECTRA What do you think you're doing? Rath plucks out the bundles of money. RATH Twenty large? That's all? ELECTRA What do you mean, 'that's all'? What in the hell do you know? RATH The bonus on the contract for you was one million dollars. Electra seems ready to jump out of her skin. The speedometer is floating around 90. RATH Slow down. He pulls out the disks. RATH I figure that means these are worth ten times that, maybe more. ELECTRA Ten million -- RATH Now you understand

low

How many times the word 'low' appears in the text?

BAIN What? RATH What restaurant? BAIN Uh, Fontella's RATH So you're from around here? BAIN No. No I'm not. Bain is getting agitated. RATH Where you from? BAIN What is this? RATH Not too good at small talk, eh? BAIN Look, I'm real tired and I'm not interested in fucking chit-chat. RATH I know just what you mean. I'm pretty beat myself. Silence. RATH Since you looked like a waiter, I had to ask what restaurant because of what happened at the Trattoria Roma. Bain looks up. BAIN Why? What happened? RATH Didn't you here all them sirens? It's been all over the radio. Some guy shot Leevio Valli, and a bunch of bystanders, in the Trattoria Roma. BAIN No shit. RATH Yeah, it's terrible. I mean Valli, and I don't care what office he's running for, the guy's a crook. He probably had it coming, but all the other people. Real sad. BAIN Yeah. RATH But they caught the guy. I heard it all. Sounded like he just went berserk, fucking loco. Shooting anybody. Drugs, probably. BAIN Probably. RATH I'd love to sit in that jury. Send that S.O.B. right to the chair. Bain allows himself a bemused smile. BAIN Sizzle lean. The cab passes the intersection for the airport. Bain sits up. BAIN What are you doing? RATH What? BAIN That was Peterson back there. That goes to the expressway for the airport. RATH You're right. Talking too much again. BAIN Yeah well, you just blew your tip, pal. RATH What? You think I'm running you up? BAIN Just do your job. Rath pulls over and slaps the cab in park. BAIN What are you doing? RATH Get out. You think I'm running you up? Get out. BAIN You can't -- RATH The hell I can't. It's my cab. I don't like you. So, get the hell out! Bain can't figure out what is wrong, when he sees the dashboard and the missing ID. Their eyes meet in the rearview mirror. BAIN Holy fucking shit! The cab rocks as both men move. Instantly guns fill their hands. Bain ripping out a .357 lifted from one of the dead cops. Rath rolls to the side whipping the gun free from his jacket. Bain throws open the door, about to run, but stops. He looks at Rath. He wants him to run. Anyone who moves away from the bullet proof glass is dead. Both men are silent, each holding the other in their gun sights. Bain blinks, sweat forming on his lip. BAIN I get out, you got me. Bain reaches over and closes the door. He smiles knowing it is the right move. BAIN Now what? Rath calmly uncocks his gun. RATH We're both going to the airport. Bain nods. RATH Sit back. Put your seatbelt on. BAIN No fucking way. RATH Okay, don't. Bain thinks. RATH If either of us fucks around, the other can blow the fuel line. He points his gun at the floor where the fuel line runs. Bain sits back, aiming his gun, watching Rath. Rath eases back into the driver's seat, also holding his gun on the fuel line. He puts the car into drive and slides back into traffic, turning back towards Peterson. They sit in silence, studying each other, when they hit the expressway. Bain can't contain himself, giddy on adrenaline. BAIN Jesus -- I'm being driven to the airport by Robert Rath. He laughs. BAIN I can't believe this. You rolled some cabby for the radio, then waited for an airport fare. He laughs again. BAIN Boy, that's fucking genius. You're a fucking genius. Then you're just sitting there, bullshitting with me. Man, no way I coulda done that! RATH What's your name? We both know it's not Nicholai. BAIN Holy shit! Robert Rath wants to know my name. He leans back. This is a big moment for him. BAIN Bain. Michael Bain. RATH How long have you been freelance? BAIN Two years. Two long fucking years. Something occurs to him and he leans close to the window. BAIN Hey. What I don't get was why didn't you take the shot inside the restaurant? I mean you had me, a free shot. That's what I would have done. RATH It's just a shoot-out then. Sixty- forty, at best. Not my odds. BAIN Sounds like chickenshit -- He laughs hard. BAIN Listen to me calling you chickenshit! He stops laughing and looks closely at the back of Rath's head. BAIN Is that a wig? Shit, I hate wigs! Wigs are the worst part of this job. I'd rather dye my hair than wear a wig. Rath studies him. RATH You're wearing a wig now. Bain chokes on his laugh. BAIN God damn are you good. Everyone says you're so fucking good. I just can't believe I'm still alive. If I believed in God, I'd be down on my knees. Right now -- Hey, how come you just didn't plug us all when we came through the door? Rath does not answer. Bain smiles. He knows something about Rath now; he doesn't like killing innocent people. BAIN Shit if I was you, back there -- He holds his gun up to the bulletproof glass behind Rath's head. BAIN Game over. He laughs. BAIN Do you mind if I ask you a couple of business questions? You know I was wondering how much you bid this job at? Rath says nothing. BAIN You don't have to tell me that. It's just, I know my bid was low, but was it too low? I mean, did I seem like an amateur, like I didn't know what I was doing? RATH We both know what you were doing. Bain moves close to the glass again, checking out Rath's gun. BAIN Smith and Wesson .22 with an eight inch silencer. Classic. When I first heard you used that, I thought, shit, that's a lady's gun. Now, it's all I use. Clean, real clean. He looks at the gun, still trained at the floor. BAIN Would you really blow us? Rath does not have to answer. BAIN Oh! I got a question. Jesus, this has been driving me crazy for years -- shit, listen to me. I sound like some fucking fanboy. I'm sorry, but I just got to ask you. Everybody talks about how you left the Agency and got into the business and then how you went after the Russian, Nicholai Talinkov -- RATH Tachlinkov. BAIN Yeah, that's it. And he's like a fucking genius. They said he shaded you over and over. And in the end, he aced you again. Shaded and faded. They say he's living on some Greek island, but I say that's fucking bullshit. I say you're the best and that you planted his ass. Am I right? Rath says nothing. BAIN I bet I'm right. The car passes under a sign indicating the ramp for the Cleveland airport. BAIN Robert Bain, driving me! Jesus fucking Christ! RATH After those cops, you'll never be able to come back to Cleveland. BAIN Who the fuck cares about Cleveland. Cleveland blows. What kind of marks have they got here? Greasy mobster, teamster or some hand job politician. I want the money marks. I want the marks that you get. A long beat of silence. The CAB RUMBLES up onto the "departures" ramp which circles past all of the terminals. BAIN So what happens now? RATH We go around once. BAIN Bullshit. He throws off his seatbelt. BAIN You tell me that we're gonna go around once, then, while I'm checking out the lay of the land, you bail out and send me flying over the bridge. Right? Am I right? Rath doesn't answer, studying the terminals, noting the police and airport security. Rath studies the terrain. Bain studies Rath. Soon they have passed the entire airport. Rath nods. Steering the car through traffic in onto a circle interchange that will bring them to the beginning. Bain wipes the sweat from his face. RATH Okay. BAIN What? What's okay? Rath begins to accelerate, rounding the interchange. BAIN What are you doing? RATH There's a sand barricade up ahead; I'm going to ram this cab into it. The cab has an airbag, odds are good I'll survive. But with this steel casing and bullet proof glass, odds for you are not so good. Bain laughs. BAIN Oh man, that's sweet. That's fucking sweet. The speedometer continues to climb. BAIN You're bluffing. Rath says nothing. Ahead, at the ramp to the terminals, is the sand barricade. BAIN You're fucking with me. You want me to jump. I jump, you hit the brakes and bang -- Game over. The cab is flying at its target. BAIN No, no. Wait. You don't want me to jump. You're going to jump. I'm stuck back here until it's too late. Wham -- over! RATH I know you're going to jump. Bain looks at him and then at the barricade. RATH You're still young. Young enough to still think you're indestructible. Invincible. You believe with utter certainty you can bail out at the last second and survive. The barricade hurtles toward them, rising up, filling the windshield. RATH If you do survive, we'll see each other again. Bain screams, throwing open the door and hurling himself out. Rath jams on the brakes, TIRES SCREAMING, steering into the steel side rail, banking the car into the drums of sand as -- Bain hits the pavement, bouncing like a stone skipped across water. A driver hits his brakes, swerving, just missing him. SAND EXPLODES from the impact and the cab bounces up over the median into the bus-only lanes as the driver's airbag balloons out of the steering wheel. Bain rolls and rolls, finally stopping sprawled out like a piece of roadkill. The cab careens up onto a curb, slamming into a pole, the radiator spitting out a cloud of WHISTLING STEAM. Several cars lock up and collide to avoid Bain; one car stopping inches from him. A woman jumps out, rushing to the front of the car, but Bain is gone. Police CARS ROAR up into the midst of the accident. One of them pulling alongside the demolished cab. The door is open, the airbag popped. Rath is gone. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY A large six flat leans out from a hill in San Francisco. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT - DAY The apartment is always dark; heavy drapes cover the windows. The dining and living rooms look like the control booth of a network television show, stacks of video monitors and consoles, cables, electric wiring, coils of fiber optic cord duct-taped to the floors, walls and ceilings. They snake through holes punched in the plaster walls and hang everywhere like some technological jungle. At the center of this tangled web is ELECTRA, a beautiful athletic looking woman wearing only her underwear and a worn robe. She is curled up in an overstuffed chair, a bowl of popcorn in her lap. On the monitors, she is watching what at first might be mistaken for a soap opera; a young couple are having an argument. What is strange is that the angle never changes; a fish- eye lens staring down into the room. MAN (V.O.) I don't give a shit what your mother thinks. I'm not sleeping with your mother, I'm sleeping with you. WOMAN (V.O.) You won't be for long, with that attitude. MAN (V.O.) Jesus, Jennifer, if you're so god damned worried about your mother's approval, why don't you move back home so she can pat you on the head when you do something right. ELECTRA Jerk. Jennifer is too stunned to say anything. There is a long pause that is not at all like television. It seems very real. She starts to say something, but stops, trying to keep herself from crying. MAN (V.O.) Oh good. Go ahead and cry. JENNIFER (WOMAN) (V.O.) Would you please leave? Electra lifts her head, smelling the air. ELECTRA Mmm, smell that, Nikita? Nikita, Electra's black cat, is stretched lazily across the top of a chair, her tail twitching absently. Every corner of the chair has been clawed open. Electra reaches for the control board and throws a series of switches. The monitors flicker as the image changes. We are now looking down into a kitchen. A stove is beneath us, almost like a cooking show, where a round woman is taking out a tray of chocolate chip cookies. Electra smells them again, smiling as she inhales. ELECTRA I hope she saves some for us. There is a BANG, a DOOR SLAMMING in another apartment, and a MAN YELLING. Electra switches back to Jennifer's apartment. The man is still in the living room, but Jennifer is gone. MAN (V.O.) Do you think slamming doors is going to help work this out? Electra punches a command into a keyboard. Several of the screens change, showing different rooms of the same apartment. Jennifer is in the bedroom, lying on the bed sobbing, her face buried in a pillow. MAN (V.O.) I can slam doors too! We hear the front DOOR SLAM in the hall outside of Electra's apartment and through the monitor speakers. His stomping FOOTSTEPS FADE as he storms down the hall and staircase out of the building. Electra switches all of the screens to Jennifer. She watches and listens to her cry alone in her bedroom. Electra reaches out; her fingers lightly touch the monitor screen. INT. APARTMENT HALL Electra's front door opens slowly. Timidly, she steps out of her apartment and walks down the hall until she is standing in front of Jennifer's door. She starts to knock, but stops herself. She isn't sure she should do this. She paces, then turns to the door. She knocks, so softly it's almost impossible to hear. She stands, trying to force herself to knock again, when she hears Jennifer. JENNIFER (O.S.) Hello? Ken, is that you? Electra panics. The door knob turns, the door opens and JENNIFER looks out into the hall. It is empty. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT On the monitors, Electra watches Jennifer pick up the phone. JENNIFER (V.O.) Hi, Mom, it's me. Ken and I just had a big fight. Electra's PAGER suddenly SOUNDS. She shuts down the screens and pulls out the pager, checking the number. ELECTRA Crap. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT There is a system set up that is not unlike Rath's system; all of the same components, though the equipment is bigger, more powerful and less portable. On a table there is a bank of phones, several cellular. Electra is talking on one. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra, they are not paying you to sit at home and watch television. Electra is fiddling with five plastic computer disks; each has a MicroCell trademark and is labeled "Back-Up." ELECTRA I wasn't watching television. WOMAN (V.O.) The point is, they are paying for information. Real information. Not tooth paste brands. Not whether he wads of folds his toilet paper. And no 16 hours of recorded phone sex. You are wasting everyone's time with this shit. ELECTRA I thought it was interesting -- WOMAN (V.O.) God damnit, Electra. This is not a game. This is business. ELECTRA Right. In my hands I have five back-up disks he made of all of his work last night. WOMAN (V.O.) Jesus! Why didn't you tell me? ELECTRA I'll make my usual arrangements and expect my usual bonus. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra -- ELECTRA A pleasure doing business with you. She hangs up. INT. LOBBY Electra comes down the stairs. Outside the large glass door she sees KEN, Jennifer's boyfriend, leaving. On the lobby floor is a letter, apparently slipped under the door, addressed to Jennifer Morgan. Electra looks out the front door window, making sure that Ken is gone. She picks up the letter and stuffs it into her pocket. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is at his computer system. He is staring at it, like it is a living thing, a person that he despises, the blank screen reflecting his own face. It is an effort to bring himself to touch the keyboard, to type in his code. He waits. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Hello, Robert. Rath wants to type something but hesitates. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know what happened. RATH I bet you fucking know! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN It cost us. Rath jumps out of his chair, screaming at the screen. RATH I give a fuck? I'm done! I quit! Do you fucking hear me! I'm fucking gone! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN He stole another contract. Rath turns from the monitor, pacing. Trying to collect himself. RATH I'm being set up. Fucking set up! He looks at the chess board. He hovers over it, the pattern completely familiar. RATH Is this how it went, Nick? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Robert? Robert? Rath turns back to the screen, speaking as he types. RATH/SCREEN How did he know? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Know what? RATH/SCREEN The fucking contract! How in the fuck did he know. A long beat. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Such language in front of a lady. Rath still talking and typing. RATH/SCREEN I don't know what the fuck you are. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know. It was a joke. Rath stands, no longer typing. RATH A joke? A joke? Rath takes out his gun and levels it at the face of the screen. RATH You think this is a fucking joke? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN $1,000,000. Rath looks at the number. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN That's the bonus on the contract. Rath puts the gun down. RATH/SCREEN Deadline? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Tomorrow. The buyer is Japanese. His retirement a condition of the bonus. The FAX MACHINE COMES TO LIFE, printing an inky image. RATH/SCREEN Who is the mark? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Freelancer. A woman. Surveillance specialist. RATH A player? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN We have an M.O... Her system is protected by her 'pussy virus.' Rath looks at the fax; almost entirely black except for the wide, slit-iris cat eyes. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY There is a SCREECH and BLAST of ENGINES as a 747 touches down, heat rising off the tarmac. INT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY Several passengers walk through the gate into the terminal. Across from the gate, Rath sits in a grungy airport cafeteria, reading a folded paper. He is wearing an airport security uniform, a gun holstered to his side. Taped inside the newspaper is a faxed Interpol photograph of a Japanese man wanted for "industrial espionage." At the gate, five Japanese men emerge. Leading the group is the man in Rath's photo. The other four are obviously muscle. Rath watches as they walk down the crowded terminal hall. When they are almost out of sight, he folds his newspaper and begins to follow. His pace and manner is that of a cautious predator. His focus shifts continually from face to face, expecting to find Bain's. His hand hovers near his gun. Ahead of him a thin young man, wearing a long blue trench coat, stops. Rath cannot see his face. The man starts toward a drinking fountain. Rath catches a glimpse of his face. It could be Bain, but he isn't sure. The young man bends over and slurps at the stream of water. He rises into the barrel of Rath's .22. A mouthful of water coughs from his mouth. It is not Bain and in the next instant, the gun is gone. RATH Sorry. My mistake. Rath continues. They young man is unable to move. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY The five men stride through the automated terminal doors and towards a waiting limousine. Further down, Rath, now wearing a black T-shirt and jeans, exits and hails a cab. INT. CAB RATH Hi. Up ahead my boss is in that black limo. We're not sure which hotel we're at, so could you just follow them? CABBY Sure. Rath sits back studying the faces exiting the terminal as the cab pulls away. INT. LIMOUSINE The five men sit in silence. Strangely, a PHONE begins to RING. The older man, whose name is AKIRA, opens his briefcase, removing a cellular phone. AKIRA Hello? We hear Electra's voice. She speaks in Japanese; he uses English. ELECTRA (V.O.) I trust your flight was comfortable? AKIRA Your Japanese is excellent. ELECTRA (V.O.) Tell the driver: the Hyatt Hotel. INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY Electra is pacing, talking into the cellular phone. ELECTRA I'll call you again in twenty minutes. She punches a button and shoves the antennae down. The hotel room looks like her apartment. There is a computer and a series of monitors stacked on top of the wood laminate desk. Cables whip and wind across the carpeted floor to the central air duct. The panel has been removed and intertwined black and gray coaxial run up inside the duct. Immediately, Electra is busy finishing her preparations. She snaps in several power cords and the system comes on- line. On the monitor screen, we see an empty hotel room that looks exactly like the one she is in. INT. CAB Rath stares out the window, watching the surrounding traffic, the limo still in sight. Something occurs to him and he looks down at the folded newspaper where he had hid the contract file. He flips past several documents before finding what he's looking for; the cat. He pulls the dark fax of Nikita and stares at it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Laying on the bed, in a patch of sunlight, Nikita watches Electra rush about. Electra grabs the sheet from under the comforter and yanks it out. ELECTRA Excuse me, your Highness. Nikita casually walks off the bed. Electra takes the sheet to the open duct and tears off a long piece of duct-tape. EXT. HYATT HOTEL The limousine pulls up in the lavish circular driveway. The cab pulls in behind it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra checks her watch and picks up the cellular phone. INT. HYATT LOBBY The Japanese men stand in a cluster looking very rigid and uncomfortable. The BRIEFCASE RINGS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is pacing again. ELECTRA Room 1414. INT. HYATT LOBBY With several other guests, the Japanese men crowd into an elevator. The doors close. Across the lobby, Rath enters, walking past the elevators. INT. ELEVATOR As the elevator rises, we begin to hear a SOUND, a familiar sound. Cramped in the corner is Bain. He is PLAYING "TETRIS," wearing dark sunglasses and a WALKMAN PUMPING SPEED METAL into his ears. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra continues to pace, checking the monitors. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN At the switchboard, a YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE wearing an operator's headset, takes a late breakfast order, typing the order in the hotel computer. YOUNG MAN (YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE) Yes, sir. That'll be up in about thirty minutes. You're welcome. He turns around and Rath is right behind him. INT. ELEVATOR The fourteenth floor; the BELL CHIMES, the doors slide open and the clump of Japanese men get out. Just as the doors begin to close, Bain steps out. INT. HALL Bain follows them down the hall, still PLAYING the GAME. There is again an ominous sense of predator moving in on its prey. As Akira finds 1414 and opens the door, another door burst open, a large family, heading for the pool. The moment is gone; the Japanese men close the door and Bain continues down the hall again, PLAYING the GAME. INT. HOTEL SUITE When the Japanese men enter the suite, we realize that this is the image on Electra's monitors. Surveillance camcorders and microphones are mounted in various locations to display every inch of the room. The group hesitates for a moment, under the electronic eyes. The four goons have their hands in their jackets. A small LAPTOP COMPUTER sits on the coffee table HUMMING SOFTLY. It is the only noise in the room until a speaker crackles. ELECTRA/SPEAKER (V.O.) Good morning, gentlemen. I apologize for the arrangement, but we all know those aren't business cards you're reaching for. If anyone leaves this room, the deal's off. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN The operator is unconscious, slumped in the corner. Rath studies the hotel computer screen intently, the information rolling by. We see that it is the previous night's room service receipts. RATH One vegetarian plate and a can of tuna fish. Room 1014. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stands in front of the monitors watching the men as she speaks into the microphone. ELECTRA Ten thousand dollars per disk. Insert the first disk now. On the monitor, we see Akira at the coffee table shove the first disk into the laptop disk drive. INT. HOTEL SUITE Akira turns from the small computer screen and nods at a goon, who drops a green brick of bound one hundred dollar bills, down the central air duct. The little clock on the laptop ticks away as it copies. INT. HYATT HALL Bain is sitting on a bench entrenched in a fevered game of "TETRIS." Suddenly, he stops. BAIN Yes! The display of the game reads "Game Over" and congratulates Bain on a new high score. Bain stands, smiling. He puts the game in his pocket and starts down the hall. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is crouched at the open duct, grabbing another stack of money, stuffing it into her bag. A LOUD BANG EXPLODES out of the SPEAKERS and she looks up at the monitor. INT. HOTEL SUITE The lock on the door has been broken and standing in the frame is Bain. BAIN Surprise! He raises his arm, his GUN spitting SILENT BULLETS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stares in horror at the monitors as Bain grabs the nearest bodyguard, FIRING a SHOT into his belly. ELECTRA Oh, God. INT. HOTEL SUITE Another SHOT and the second bodyguard falls. The other two draw their handguns and Bain shields himself with the lifeless body of his first victim. They FIRE at Bain but are unable to hit him. Bain squeezes off TWO MORE SHOTS and the two men fall dead. He lets his human shield fall to the ground and levels his gun on the shaking Akira. AKIRA Don't kill me. Bain looks at him and smiles, then FIRES. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra leaps at the computer, ripping the cord from the modem. Bain sees the fiber optic cable and looks right into it. BAIN (V.O.) Tricky. Boy, you just can't trust anyone these days. He licks the lens, leaving a smear of saliva. She stuffs the disks into her bag. She puts Nikita in her "travel kitty" and charges for the door, grabbing her coat. Flinging it over her shoulder, she does not notice the letter from Ken slip out of her pocket as she bolts from the room. INT. HALL Electra explodes through the door and suddenly freezes. She is staring down the barrel of Rath's .22. RATH Don't be stupid and you will live. The elevator behind Rath opens and closes against a hotel lobby ashtray. He waves her into the elevator with his gun. RATH Hurry. EXT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY Electra's black CAR ROARS out of the garage, onto the open street. INT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY The door swings open. From the hall we can hear the familiar BEEPING of the COMPUTER GAME. The room, 1014, is the same as Electra had left it when she ran out. Jutting from a shadow on the floor is the corner of Ken's letter. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Electra drives, obviously nervous, as Rath watches out the rear window. RATH Turn here. No one follows. He turns back to her. RATH How many bodies were there? He checks his watch. ELECTRA What? RATH He has to clean up. How many bodies were there? ELECTRA Um, five. RATH One hour per man. Rath sets the timer on his watch for five hours. INT. HYATT HOTEL ROOM - DAY Bain has returned to room 1414. Wearing rubber gloves, he clicks open a black leather attache and pulls out a can of rug cleaner. He picks up the phone for room service. BAIN Hi. This is room 1414 -- Behind him, in the bathroom mirror, we see one of the Japanese men hanging from the shower by his feet. He is naked. BAIN Yes, could you send up a pot of coffee and my friends are going to need some more towels. Thanks. He hangs up the phone and walks over to one of the large blood stains on the carpet. He points the rug cleaner at the stain covering it with white foam. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Rath sees the entrance for the expressway. RATH Get on the expressway. ELECTRA Where are we going? Rath glances back. RATH Nowhere yet. Electra turns onto the highway and NIKITA HOWLS from the "travel kitty" in the back seat. ELECTRA Nikita, hush. NIKITA wants out and HOWLS again. ELECTRA She won't stop unless you let her out. Rath reaches back and opens the box. Nikita springs into the front seat onto Rath's lap. RATH Nikita? She helped me find you. ELECTRA What? How did you know I had a cat? RATH Took a guess. Lucky for you, I guessed right. ELECTRA Who the fuck are you? Who do you work for? RATH I work for the government. ELECTRA Yeah? She studies his face, his eyes. ELECTRA Bullshit. RATH Yeah. ELECTRA You're one of them, aren't you? A fucking pro. RATH I'm part of the game, just like you. Electra pounds the steering wheel. ELECTRA Jesus! He reaches into the back seat, grabbing her bag. ELECTRA What do you think you're doing? Rath plucks out the bundles of money. RATH Twenty large? That's all? ELECTRA What do you mean, 'that's all'? What in the hell do you know? RATH The bonus on the contract for you was one million dollars. Electra seems ready to jump out of her skin. The speedometer is floating around 90. RATH Slow down. He pulls out the disks. RATH I figure that means these are worth ten times that, maybe more. ELECTRA Ten million -- RATH Now you understand

when

How many times the word 'when' appears in the text?

BAIN What? RATH What restaurant? BAIN Uh, Fontella's RATH So you're from around here? BAIN No. No I'm not. Bain is getting agitated. RATH Where you from? BAIN What is this? RATH Not too good at small talk, eh? BAIN Look, I'm real tired and I'm not interested in fucking chit-chat. RATH I know just what you mean. I'm pretty beat myself. Silence. RATH Since you looked like a waiter, I had to ask what restaurant because of what happened at the Trattoria Roma. Bain looks up. BAIN Why? What happened? RATH Didn't you here all them sirens? It's been all over the radio. Some guy shot Leevio Valli, and a bunch of bystanders, in the Trattoria Roma. BAIN No shit. RATH Yeah, it's terrible. I mean Valli, and I don't care what office he's running for, the guy's a crook. He probably had it coming, but all the other people. Real sad. BAIN Yeah. RATH But they caught the guy. I heard it all. Sounded like he just went berserk, fucking loco. Shooting anybody. Drugs, probably. BAIN Probably. RATH I'd love to sit in that jury. Send that S.O.B. right to the chair. Bain allows himself a bemused smile. BAIN Sizzle lean. The cab passes the intersection for the airport. Bain sits up. BAIN What are you doing? RATH What? BAIN That was Peterson back there. That goes to the expressway for the airport. RATH You're right. Talking too much again. BAIN Yeah well, you just blew your tip, pal. RATH What? You think I'm running you up? BAIN Just do your job. Rath pulls over and slaps the cab in park. BAIN What are you doing? RATH Get out. You think I'm running you up? Get out. BAIN You can't -- RATH The hell I can't. It's my cab. I don't like you. So, get the hell out! Bain can't figure out what is wrong, when he sees the dashboard and the missing ID. Their eyes meet in the rearview mirror. BAIN Holy fucking shit! The cab rocks as both men move. Instantly guns fill their hands. Bain ripping out a .357 lifted from one of the dead cops. Rath rolls to the side whipping the gun free from his jacket. Bain throws open the door, about to run, but stops. He looks at Rath. He wants him to run. Anyone who moves away from the bullet proof glass is dead. Both men are silent, each holding the other in their gun sights. Bain blinks, sweat forming on his lip. BAIN I get out, you got me. Bain reaches over and closes the door. He smiles knowing it is the right move. BAIN Now what? Rath calmly uncocks his gun. RATH We're both going to the airport. Bain nods. RATH Sit back. Put your seatbelt on. BAIN No fucking way. RATH Okay, don't. Bain thinks. RATH If either of us fucks around, the other can blow the fuel line. He points his gun at the floor where the fuel line runs. Bain sits back, aiming his gun, watching Rath. Rath eases back into the driver's seat, also holding his gun on the fuel line. He puts the car into drive and slides back into traffic, turning back towards Peterson. They sit in silence, studying each other, when they hit the expressway. Bain can't contain himself, giddy on adrenaline. BAIN Jesus -- I'm being driven to the airport by Robert Rath. He laughs. BAIN I can't believe this. You rolled some cabby for the radio, then waited for an airport fare. He laughs again. BAIN Boy, that's fucking genius. You're a fucking genius. Then you're just sitting there, bullshitting with me. Man, no way I coulda done that! RATH What's your name? We both know it's not Nicholai. BAIN Holy shit! Robert Rath wants to know my name. He leans back. This is a big moment for him. BAIN Bain. Michael Bain. RATH How long have you been freelance? BAIN Two years. Two long fucking years. Something occurs to him and he leans close to the window. BAIN Hey. What I don't get was why didn't you take the shot inside the restaurant? I mean you had me, a free shot. That's what I would have done. RATH It's just a shoot-out then. Sixty- forty, at best. Not my odds. BAIN Sounds like chickenshit -- He laughs hard. BAIN Listen to me calling you chickenshit! He stops laughing and looks closely at the back of Rath's head. BAIN Is that a wig? Shit, I hate wigs! Wigs are the worst part of this job. I'd rather dye my hair than wear a wig. Rath studies him. RATH You're wearing a wig now. Bain chokes on his laugh. BAIN God damn are you good. Everyone says you're so fucking good. I just can't believe I'm still alive. If I believed in God, I'd be down on my knees. Right now -- Hey, how come you just didn't plug us all when we came through the door? Rath does not answer. Bain smiles. He knows something about Rath now; he doesn't like killing innocent people. BAIN Shit if I was you, back there -- He holds his gun up to the bulletproof glass behind Rath's head. BAIN Game over. He laughs. BAIN Do you mind if I ask you a couple of business questions? You know I was wondering how much you bid this job at? Rath says nothing. BAIN You don't have to tell me that. It's just, I know my bid was low, but was it too low? I mean, did I seem like an amateur, like I didn't know what I was doing? RATH We both know what you were doing. Bain moves close to the glass again, checking out Rath's gun. BAIN Smith and Wesson .22 with an eight inch silencer. Classic. When I first heard you used that, I thought, shit, that's a lady's gun. Now, it's all I use. Clean, real clean. He looks at the gun, still trained at the floor. BAIN Would you really blow us? Rath does not have to answer. BAIN Oh! I got a question. Jesus, this has been driving me crazy for years -- shit, listen to me. I sound like some fucking fanboy. I'm sorry, but I just got to ask you. Everybody talks about how you left the Agency and got into the business and then how you went after the Russian, Nicholai Talinkov -- RATH Tachlinkov. BAIN Yeah, that's it. And he's like a fucking genius. They said he shaded you over and over. And in the end, he aced you again. Shaded and faded. They say he's living on some Greek island, but I say that's fucking bullshit. I say you're the best and that you planted his ass. Am I right? Rath says nothing. BAIN I bet I'm right. The car passes under a sign indicating the ramp for the Cleveland airport. BAIN Robert Bain, driving me! Jesus fucking Christ! RATH After those cops, you'll never be able to come back to Cleveland. BAIN Who the fuck cares about Cleveland. Cleveland blows. What kind of marks have they got here? Greasy mobster, teamster or some hand job politician. I want the money marks. I want the marks that you get. A long beat of silence. The CAB RUMBLES up onto the "departures" ramp which circles past all of the terminals. BAIN So what happens now? RATH We go around once. BAIN Bullshit. He throws off his seatbelt. BAIN You tell me that we're gonna go around once, then, while I'm checking out the lay of the land, you bail out and send me flying over the bridge. Right? Am I right? Rath doesn't answer, studying the terminals, noting the police and airport security. Rath studies the terrain. Bain studies Rath. Soon they have passed the entire airport. Rath nods. Steering the car through traffic in onto a circle interchange that will bring them to the beginning. Bain wipes the sweat from his face. RATH Okay. BAIN What? What's okay? Rath begins to accelerate, rounding the interchange. BAIN What are you doing? RATH There's a sand barricade up ahead; I'm going to ram this cab into it. The cab has an airbag, odds are good I'll survive. But with this steel casing and bullet proof glass, odds for you are not so good. Bain laughs. BAIN Oh man, that's sweet. That's fucking sweet. The speedometer continues to climb. BAIN You're bluffing. Rath says nothing. Ahead, at the ramp to the terminals, is the sand barricade. BAIN You're fucking with me. You want me to jump. I jump, you hit the brakes and bang -- Game over. The cab is flying at its target. BAIN No, no. Wait. You don't want me to jump. You're going to jump. I'm stuck back here until it's too late. Wham -- over! RATH I know you're going to jump. Bain looks at him and then at the barricade. RATH You're still young. Young enough to still think you're indestructible. Invincible. You believe with utter certainty you can bail out at the last second and survive. The barricade hurtles toward them, rising up, filling the windshield. RATH If you do survive, we'll see each other again. Bain screams, throwing open the door and hurling himself out. Rath jams on the brakes, TIRES SCREAMING, steering into the steel side rail, banking the car into the drums of sand as -- Bain hits the pavement, bouncing like a stone skipped across water. A driver hits his brakes, swerving, just missing him. SAND EXPLODES from the impact and the cab bounces up over the median into the bus-only lanes as the driver's airbag balloons out of the steering wheel. Bain rolls and rolls, finally stopping sprawled out like a piece of roadkill. The cab careens up onto a curb, slamming into a pole, the radiator spitting out a cloud of WHISTLING STEAM. Several cars lock up and collide to avoid Bain; one car stopping inches from him. A woman jumps out, rushing to the front of the car, but Bain is gone. Police CARS ROAR up into the midst of the accident. One of them pulling alongside the demolished cab. The door is open, the airbag popped. Rath is gone. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY A large six flat leans out from a hill in San Francisco. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT - DAY The apartment is always dark; heavy drapes cover the windows. The dining and living rooms look like the control booth of a network television show, stacks of video monitors and consoles, cables, electric wiring, coils of fiber optic cord duct-taped to the floors, walls and ceilings. They snake through holes punched in the plaster walls and hang everywhere like some technological jungle. At the center of this tangled web is ELECTRA, a beautiful athletic looking woman wearing only her underwear and a worn robe. She is curled up in an overstuffed chair, a bowl of popcorn in her lap. On the monitors, she is watching what at first might be mistaken for a soap opera; a young couple are having an argument. What is strange is that the angle never changes; a fish- eye lens staring down into the room. MAN (V.O.) I don't give a shit what your mother thinks. I'm not sleeping with your mother, I'm sleeping with you. WOMAN (V.O.) You won't be for long, with that attitude. MAN (V.O.) Jesus, Jennifer, if you're so god damned worried about your mother's approval, why don't you move back home so she can pat you on the head when you do something right. ELECTRA Jerk. Jennifer is too stunned to say anything. There is a long pause that is not at all like television. It seems very real. She starts to say something, but stops, trying to keep herself from crying. MAN (V.O.) Oh good. Go ahead and cry. JENNIFER (WOMAN) (V.O.) Would you please leave? Electra lifts her head, smelling the air. ELECTRA Mmm, smell that, Nikita? Nikita, Electra's black cat, is stretched lazily across the top of a chair, her tail twitching absently. Every corner of the chair has been clawed open. Electra reaches for the control board and throws a series of switches. The monitors flicker as the image changes. We are now looking down into a kitchen. A stove is beneath us, almost like a cooking show, where a round woman is taking out a tray of chocolate chip cookies. Electra smells them again, smiling as she inhales. ELECTRA I hope she saves some for us. There is a BANG, a DOOR SLAMMING in another apartment, and a MAN YELLING. Electra switches back to Jennifer's apartment. The man is still in the living room, but Jennifer is gone. MAN (V.O.) Do you think slamming doors is going to help work this out? Electra punches a command into a keyboard. Several of the screens change, showing different rooms of the same apartment. Jennifer is in the bedroom, lying on the bed sobbing, her face buried in a pillow. MAN (V.O.) I can slam doors too! We hear the front DOOR SLAM in the hall outside of Electra's apartment and through the monitor speakers. His stomping FOOTSTEPS FADE as he storms down the hall and staircase out of the building. Electra switches all of the screens to Jennifer. She watches and listens to her cry alone in her bedroom. Electra reaches out; her fingers lightly touch the monitor screen. INT. APARTMENT HALL Electra's front door opens slowly. Timidly, she steps out of her apartment and walks down the hall until she is standing in front of Jennifer's door. She starts to knock, but stops herself. She isn't sure she should do this. She paces, then turns to the door. She knocks, so softly it's almost impossible to hear. She stands, trying to force herself to knock again, when she hears Jennifer. JENNIFER (O.S.) Hello? Ken, is that you? Electra panics. The door knob turns, the door opens and JENNIFER looks out into the hall. It is empty. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT On the monitors, Electra watches Jennifer pick up the phone. JENNIFER (V.O.) Hi, Mom, it's me. Ken and I just had a big fight. Electra's PAGER suddenly SOUNDS. She shuts down the screens and pulls out the pager, checking the number. ELECTRA Crap. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT There is a system set up that is not unlike Rath's system; all of the same components, though the equipment is bigger, more powerful and less portable. On a table there is a bank of phones, several cellular. Electra is talking on one. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra, they are not paying you to sit at home and watch television. Electra is fiddling with five plastic computer disks; each has a MicroCell trademark and is labeled "Back-Up." ELECTRA I wasn't watching television. WOMAN (V.O.) The point is, they are paying for information. Real information. Not tooth paste brands. Not whether he wads of folds his toilet paper. And no 16 hours of recorded phone sex. You are wasting everyone's time with this shit. ELECTRA I thought it was interesting -- WOMAN (V.O.) God damnit, Electra. This is not a game. This is business. ELECTRA Right. In my hands I have five back-up disks he made of all of his work last night. WOMAN (V.O.) Jesus! Why didn't you tell me? ELECTRA I'll make my usual arrangements and expect my usual bonus. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra -- ELECTRA A pleasure doing business with you. She hangs up. INT. LOBBY Electra comes down the stairs. Outside the large glass door she sees KEN, Jennifer's boyfriend, leaving. On the lobby floor is a letter, apparently slipped under the door, addressed to Jennifer Morgan. Electra looks out the front door window, making sure that Ken is gone. She picks up the letter and stuffs it into her pocket. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is at his computer system. He is staring at it, like it is a living thing, a person that he despises, the blank screen reflecting his own face. It is an effort to bring himself to touch the keyboard, to type in his code. He waits. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Hello, Robert. Rath wants to type something but hesitates. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know what happened. RATH I bet you fucking know! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN It cost us. Rath jumps out of his chair, screaming at the screen. RATH I give a fuck? I'm done! I quit! Do you fucking hear me! I'm fucking gone! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN He stole another contract. Rath turns from the monitor, pacing. Trying to collect himself. RATH I'm being set up. Fucking set up! He looks at the chess board. He hovers over it, the pattern completely familiar. RATH Is this how it went, Nick? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Robert? Robert? Rath turns back to the screen, speaking as he types. RATH/SCREEN How did he know? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Know what? RATH/SCREEN The fucking contract! How in the fuck did he know. A long beat. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Such language in front of a lady. Rath still talking and typing. RATH/SCREEN I don't know what the fuck you are. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know. It was a joke. Rath stands, no longer typing. RATH A joke? A joke? Rath takes out his gun and levels it at the face of the screen. RATH You think this is a fucking joke? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN $1,000,000. Rath looks at the number. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN That's the bonus on the contract. Rath puts the gun down. RATH/SCREEN Deadline? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Tomorrow. The buyer is Japanese. His retirement a condition of the bonus. The FAX MACHINE COMES TO LIFE, printing an inky image. RATH/SCREEN Who is the mark? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Freelancer. A woman. Surveillance specialist. RATH A player? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN We have an M.O... Her system is protected by her 'pussy virus.' Rath looks at the fax; almost entirely black except for the wide, slit-iris cat eyes. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY There is a SCREECH and BLAST of ENGINES as a 747 touches down, heat rising off the tarmac. INT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY Several passengers walk through the gate into the terminal. Across from the gate, Rath sits in a grungy airport cafeteria, reading a folded paper. He is wearing an airport security uniform, a gun holstered to his side. Taped inside the newspaper is a faxed Interpol photograph of a Japanese man wanted for "industrial espionage." At the gate, five Japanese men emerge. Leading the group is the man in Rath's photo. The other four are obviously muscle. Rath watches as they walk down the crowded terminal hall. When they are almost out of sight, he folds his newspaper and begins to follow. His pace and manner is that of a cautious predator. His focus shifts continually from face to face, expecting to find Bain's. His hand hovers near his gun. Ahead of him a thin young man, wearing a long blue trench coat, stops. Rath cannot see his face. The man starts toward a drinking fountain. Rath catches a glimpse of his face. It could be Bain, but he isn't sure. The young man bends over and slurps at the stream of water. He rises into the barrel of Rath's .22. A mouthful of water coughs from his mouth. It is not Bain and in the next instant, the gun is gone. RATH Sorry. My mistake. Rath continues. They young man is unable to move. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY The five men stride through the automated terminal doors and towards a waiting limousine. Further down, Rath, now wearing a black T-shirt and jeans, exits and hails a cab. INT. CAB RATH Hi. Up ahead my boss is in that black limo. We're not sure which hotel we're at, so could you just follow them? CABBY Sure. Rath sits back studying the faces exiting the terminal as the cab pulls away. INT. LIMOUSINE The five men sit in silence. Strangely, a PHONE begins to RING. The older man, whose name is AKIRA, opens his briefcase, removing a cellular phone. AKIRA Hello? We hear Electra's voice. She speaks in Japanese; he uses English. ELECTRA (V.O.) I trust your flight was comfortable? AKIRA Your Japanese is excellent. ELECTRA (V.O.) Tell the driver: the Hyatt Hotel. INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY Electra is pacing, talking into the cellular phone. ELECTRA I'll call you again in twenty minutes. She punches a button and shoves the antennae down. The hotel room looks like her apartment. There is a computer and a series of monitors stacked on top of the wood laminate desk. Cables whip and wind across the carpeted floor to the central air duct. The panel has been removed and intertwined black and gray coaxial run up inside the duct. Immediately, Electra is busy finishing her preparations. She snaps in several power cords and the system comes on- line. On the monitor screen, we see an empty hotel room that looks exactly like the one she is in. INT. CAB Rath stares out the window, watching the surrounding traffic, the limo still in sight. Something occurs to him and he looks down at the folded newspaper where he had hid the contract file. He flips past several documents before finding what he's looking for; the cat. He pulls the dark fax of Nikita and stares at it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Laying on the bed, in a patch of sunlight, Nikita watches Electra rush about. Electra grabs the sheet from under the comforter and yanks it out. ELECTRA Excuse me, your Highness. Nikita casually walks off the bed. Electra takes the sheet to the open duct and tears off a long piece of duct-tape. EXT. HYATT HOTEL The limousine pulls up in the lavish circular driveway. The cab pulls in behind it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra checks her watch and picks up the cellular phone. INT. HYATT LOBBY The Japanese men stand in a cluster looking very rigid and uncomfortable. The BRIEFCASE RINGS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is pacing again. ELECTRA Room 1414. INT. HYATT LOBBY With several other guests, the Japanese men crowd into an elevator. The doors close. Across the lobby, Rath enters, walking past the elevators. INT. ELEVATOR As the elevator rises, we begin to hear a SOUND, a familiar sound. Cramped in the corner is Bain. He is PLAYING "TETRIS," wearing dark sunglasses and a WALKMAN PUMPING SPEED METAL into his ears. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra continues to pace, checking the monitors. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN At the switchboard, a YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE wearing an operator's headset, takes a late breakfast order, typing the order in the hotel computer. YOUNG MAN (YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE) Yes, sir. That'll be up in about thirty minutes. You're welcome. He turns around and Rath is right behind him. INT. ELEVATOR The fourteenth floor; the BELL CHIMES, the doors slide open and the clump of Japanese men get out. Just as the doors begin to close, Bain steps out. INT. HALL Bain follows them down the hall, still PLAYING the GAME. There is again an ominous sense of predator moving in on its prey. As Akira finds 1414 and opens the door, another door burst open, a large family, heading for the pool. The moment is gone; the Japanese men close the door and Bain continues down the hall again, PLAYING the GAME. INT. HOTEL SUITE When the Japanese men enter the suite, we realize that this is the image on Electra's monitors. Surveillance camcorders and microphones are mounted in various locations to display every inch of the room. The group hesitates for a moment, under the electronic eyes. The four goons have their hands in their jackets. A small LAPTOP COMPUTER sits on the coffee table HUMMING SOFTLY. It is the only noise in the room until a speaker crackles. ELECTRA/SPEAKER (V.O.) Good morning, gentlemen. I apologize for the arrangement, but we all know those aren't business cards you're reaching for. If anyone leaves this room, the deal's off. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN The operator is unconscious, slumped in the corner. Rath studies the hotel computer screen intently, the information rolling by. We see that it is the previous night's room service receipts. RATH One vegetarian plate and a can of tuna fish. Room 1014. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stands in front of the monitors watching the men as she speaks into the microphone. ELECTRA Ten thousand dollars per disk. Insert the first disk now. On the monitor, we see Akira at the coffee table shove the first disk into the laptop disk drive. INT. HOTEL SUITE Akira turns from the small computer screen and nods at a goon, who drops a green brick of bound one hundred dollar bills, down the central air duct. The little clock on the laptop ticks away as it copies. INT. HYATT HALL Bain is sitting on a bench entrenched in a fevered game of "TETRIS." Suddenly, he stops. BAIN Yes! The display of the game reads "Game Over" and congratulates Bain on a new high score. Bain stands, smiling. He puts the game in his pocket and starts down the hall. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is crouched at the open duct, grabbing another stack of money, stuffing it into her bag. A LOUD BANG EXPLODES out of the SPEAKERS and she looks up at the monitor. INT. HOTEL SUITE The lock on the door has been broken and standing in the frame is Bain. BAIN Surprise! He raises his arm, his GUN spitting SILENT BULLETS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stares in horror at the monitors as Bain grabs the nearest bodyguard, FIRING a SHOT into his belly. ELECTRA Oh, God. INT. HOTEL SUITE Another SHOT and the second bodyguard falls. The other two draw their handguns and Bain shields himself with the lifeless body of his first victim. They FIRE at Bain but are unable to hit him. Bain squeezes off TWO MORE SHOTS and the two men fall dead. He lets his human shield fall to the ground and levels his gun on the shaking Akira. AKIRA Don't kill me. Bain looks at him and smiles, then FIRES. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra leaps at the computer, ripping the cord from the modem. Bain sees the fiber optic cable and looks right into it. BAIN (V.O.) Tricky. Boy, you just can't trust anyone these days. He licks the lens, leaving a smear of saliva. She stuffs the disks into her bag. She puts Nikita in her "travel kitty" and charges for the door, grabbing her coat. Flinging it over her shoulder, she does not notice the letter from Ken slip out of her pocket as she bolts from the room. INT. HALL Electra explodes through the door and suddenly freezes. She is staring down the barrel of Rath's .22. RATH Don't be stupid and you will live. The elevator behind Rath opens and closes against a hotel lobby ashtray. He waves her into the elevator with his gun. RATH Hurry. EXT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY Electra's black CAR ROARS out of the garage, onto the open street. INT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY The door swings open. From the hall we can hear the familiar BEEPING of the COMPUTER GAME. The room, 1014, is the same as Electra had left it when she ran out. Jutting from a shadow on the floor is the corner of Ken's letter. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Electra drives, obviously nervous, as Rath watches out the rear window. RATH Turn here. No one follows. He turns back to her. RATH How many bodies were there? He checks his watch. ELECTRA What? RATH He has to clean up. How many bodies were there? ELECTRA Um, five. RATH One hour per man. Rath sets the timer on his watch for five hours. INT. HYATT HOTEL ROOM - DAY Bain has returned to room 1414. Wearing rubber gloves, he clicks open a black leather attache and pulls out a can of rug cleaner. He picks up the phone for room service. BAIN Hi. This is room 1414 -- Behind him, in the bathroom mirror, we see one of the Japanese men hanging from the shower by his feet. He is naked. BAIN Yes, could you send up a pot of coffee and my friends are going to need some more towels. Thanks. He hangs up the phone and walks over to one of the large blood stains on the carpet. He points the rug cleaner at the stain covering it with white foam. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Rath sees the entrance for the expressway. RATH Get on the expressway. ELECTRA Where are we going? Rath glances back. RATH Nowhere yet. Electra turns onto the highway and NIKITA HOWLS from the "travel kitty" in the back seat. ELECTRA Nikita, hush. NIKITA wants out and HOWLS again. ELECTRA She won't stop unless you let her out. Rath reaches back and opens the box. Nikita springs into the front seat onto Rath's lap. RATH Nikita? She helped me find you. ELECTRA What? How did you know I had a cat? RATH Took a guess. Lucky for you, I guessed right. ELECTRA Who the fuck are you? Who do you work for? RATH I work for the government. ELECTRA Yeah? She studies his face, his eyes. ELECTRA Bullshit. RATH Yeah. ELECTRA You're one of them, aren't you? A fucking pro. RATH I'm part of the game, just like you. Electra pounds the steering wheel. ELECTRA Jesus! He reaches into the back seat, grabbing her bag. ELECTRA What do you think you're doing? Rath plucks out the bundles of money. RATH Twenty large? That's all? ELECTRA What do you mean, 'that's all'? What in the hell do you know? RATH The bonus on the contract for you was one million dollars. Electra seems ready to jump out of her skin. The speedometer is floating around 90. RATH Slow down. He pulls out the disks. RATH I figure that means these are worth ten times that, maybe more. ELECTRA Ten million -- RATH Now you understand

stacks

How many times the word 'stacks' appears in the text?

BAIN What? RATH What restaurant? BAIN Uh, Fontella's RATH So you're from around here? BAIN No. No I'm not. Bain is getting agitated. RATH Where you from? BAIN What is this? RATH Not too good at small talk, eh? BAIN Look, I'm real tired and I'm not interested in fucking chit-chat. RATH I know just what you mean. I'm pretty beat myself. Silence. RATH Since you looked like a waiter, I had to ask what restaurant because of what happened at the Trattoria Roma. Bain looks up. BAIN Why? What happened? RATH Didn't you here all them sirens? It's been all over the radio. Some guy shot Leevio Valli, and a bunch of bystanders, in the Trattoria Roma. BAIN No shit. RATH Yeah, it's terrible. I mean Valli, and I don't care what office he's running for, the guy's a crook. He probably had it coming, but all the other people. Real sad. BAIN Yeah. RATH But they caught the guy. I heard it all. Sounded like he just went berserk, fucking loco. Shooting anybody. Drugs, probably. BAIN Probably. RATH I'd love to sit in that jury. Send that S.O.B. right to the chair. Bain allows himself a bemused smile. BAIN Sizzle lean. The cab passes the intersection for the airport. Bain sits up. BAIN What are you doing? RATH What? BAIN That was Peterson back there. That goes to the expressway for the airport. RATH You're right. Talking too much again. BAIN Yeah well, you just blew your tip, pal. RATH What? You think I'm running you up? BAIN Just do your job. Rath pulls over and slaps the cab in park. BAIN What are you doing? RATH Get out. You think I'm running you up? Get out. BAIN You can't -- RATH The hell I can't. It's my cab. I don't like you. So, get the hell out! Bain can't figure out what is wrong, when he sees the dashboard and the missing ID. Their eyes meet in the rearview mirror. BAIN Holy fucking shit! The cab rocks as both men move. Instantly guns fill their hands. Bain ripping out a .357 lifted from one of the dead cops. Rath rolls to the side whipping the gun free from his jacket. Bain throws open the door, about to run, but stops. He looks at Rath. He wants him to run. Anyone who moves away from the bullet proof glass is dead. Both men are silent, each holding the other in their gun sights. Bain blinks, sweat forming on his lip. BAIN I get out, you got me. Bain reaches over and closes the door. He smiles knowing it is the right move. BAIN Now what? Rath calmly uncocks his gun. RATH We're both going to the airport. Bain nods. RATH Sit back. Put your seatbelt on. BAIN No fucking way. RATH Okay, don't. Bain thinks. RATH If either of us fucks around, the other can blow the fuel line. He points his gun at the floor where the fuel line runs. Bain sits back, aiming his gun, watching Rath. Rath eases back into the driver's seat, also holding his gun on the fuel line. He puts the car into drive and slides back into traffic, turning back towards Peterson. They sit in silence, studying each other, when they hit the expressway. Bain can't contain himself, giddy on adrenaline. BAIN Jesus -- I'm being driven to the airport by Robert Rath. He laughs. BAIN I can't believe this. You rolled some cabby for the radio, then waited for an airport fare. He laughs again. BAIN Boy, that's fucking genius. You're a fucking genius. Then you're just sitting there, bullshitting with me. Man, no way I coulda done that! RATH What's your name? We both know it's not Nicholai. BAIN Holy shit! Robert Rath wants to know my name. He leans back. This is a big moment for him. BAIN Bain. Michael Bain. RATH How long have you been freelance? BAIN Two years. Two long fucking years. Something occurs to him and he leans close to the window. BAIN Hey. What I don't get was why didn't you take the shot inside the restaurant? I mean you had me, a free shot. That's what I would have done. RATH It's just a shoot-out then. Sixty- forty, at best. Not my odds. BAIN Sounds like chickenshit -- He laughs hard. BAIN Listen to me calling you chickenshit! He stops laughing and looks closely at the back of Rath's head. BAIN Is that a wig? Shit, I hate wigs! Wigs are the worst part of this job. I'd rather dye my hair than wear a wig. Rath studies him. RATH You're wearing a wig now. Bain chokes on his laugh. BAIN God damn are you good. Everyone says you're so fucking good. I just can't believe I'm still alive. If I believed in God, I'd be down on my knees. Right now -- Hey, how come you just didn't plug us all when we came through the door? Rath does not answer. Bain smiles. He knows something about Rath now; he doesn't like killing innocent people. BAIN Shit if I was you, back there -- He holds his gun up to the bulletproof glass behind Rath's head. BAIN Game over. He laughs. BAIN Do you mind if I ask you a couple of business questions? You know I was wondering how much you bid this job at? Rath says nothing. BAIN You don't have to tell me that. It's just, I know my bid was low, but was it too low? I mean, did I seem like an amateur, like I didn't know what I was doing? RATH We both know what you were doing. Bain moves close to the glass again, checking out Rath's gun. BAIN Smith and Wesson .22 with an eight inch silencer. Classic. When I first heard you used that, I thought, shit, that's a lady's gun. Now, it's all I use. Clean, real clean. He looks at the gun, still trained at the floor. BAIN Would you really blow us? Rath does not have to answer. BAIN Oh! I got a question. Jesus, this has been driving me crazy for years -- shit, listen to me. I sound like some fucking fanboy. I'm sorry, but I just got to ask you. Everybody talks about how you left the Agency and got into the business and then how you went after the Russian, Nicholai Talinkov -- RATH Tachlinkov. BAIN Yeah, that's it. And he's like a fucking genius. They said he shaded you over and over. And in the end, he aced you again. Shaded and faded. They say he's living on some Greek island, but I say that's fucking bullshit. I say you're the best and that you planted his ass. Am I right? Rath says nothing. BAIN I bet I'm right. The car passes under a sign indicating the ramp for the Cleveland airport. BAIN Robert Bain, driving me! Jesus fucking Christ! RATH After those cops, you'll never be able to come back to Cleveland. BAIN Who the fuck cares about Cleveland. Cleveland blows. What kind of marks have they got here? Greasy mobster, teamster or some hand job politician. I want the money marks. I want the marks that you get. A long beat of silence. The CAB RUMBLES up onto the "departures" ramp which circles past all of the terminals. BAIN So what happens now? RATH We go around once. BAIN Bullshit. He throws off his seatbelt. BAIN You tell me that we're gonna go around once, then, while I'm checking out the lay of the land, you bail out and send me flying over the bridge. Right? Am I right? Rath doesn't answer, studying the terminals, noting the police and airport security. Rath studies the terrain. Bain studies Rath. Soon they have passed the entire airport. Rath nods. Steering the car through traffic in onto a circle interchange that will bring them to the beginning. Bain wipes the sweat from his face. RATH Okay. BAIN What? What's okay? Rath begins to accelerate, rounding the interchange. BAIN What are you doing? RATH There's a sand barricade up ahead; I'm going to ram this cab into it. The cab has an airbag, odds are good I'll survive. But with this steel casing and bullet proof glass, odds for you are not so good. Bain laughs. BAIN Oh man, that's sweet. That's fucking sweet. The speedometer continues to climb. BAIN You're bluffing. Rath says nothing. Ahead, at the ramp to the terminals, is the sand barricade. BAIN You're fucking with me. You want me to jump. I jump, you hit the brakes and bang -- Game over. The cab is flying at its target. BAIN No, no. Wait. You don't want me to jump. You're going to jump. I'm stuck back here until it's too late. Wham -- over! RATH I know you're going to jump. Bain looks at him and then at the barricade. RATH You're still young. Young enough to still think you're indestructible. Invincible. You believe with utter certainty you can bail out at the last second and survive. The barricade hurtles toward them, rising up, filling the windshield. RATH If you do survive, we'll see each other again. Bain screams, throwing open the door and hurling himself out. Rath jams on the brakes, TIRES SCREAMING, steering into the steel side rail, banking the car into the drums of sand as -- Bain hits the pavement, bouncing like a stone skipped across water. A driver hits his brakes, swerving, just missing him. SAND EXPLODES from the impact and the cab bounces up over the median into the bus-only lanes as the driver's airbag balloons out of the steering wheel. Bain rolls and rolls, finally stopping sprawled out like a piece of roadkill. The cab careens up onto a curb, slamming into a pole, the radiator spitting out a cloud of WHISTLING STEAM. Several cars lock up and collide to avoid Bain; one car stopping inches from him. A woman jumps out, rushing to the front of the car, but Bain is gone. Police CARS ROAR up into the midst of the accident. One of them pulling alongside the demolished cab. The door is open, the airbag popped. Rath is gone. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY A large six flat leans out from a hill in San Francisco. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT - DAY The apartment is always dark; heavy drapes cover the windows. The dining and living rooms look like the control booth of a network television show, stacks of video monitors and consoles, cables, electric wiring, coils of fiber optic cord duct-taped to the floors, walls and ceilings. They snake through holes punched in the plaster walls and hang everywhere like some technological jungle. At the center of this tangled web is ELECTRA, a beautiful athletic looking woman wearing only her underwear and a worn robe. She is curled up in an overstuffed chair, a bowl of popcorn in her lap. On the monitors, she is watching what at first might be mistaken for a soap opera; a young couple are having an argument. What is strange is that the angle never changes; a fish- eye lens staring down into the room. MAN (V.O.) I don't give a shit what your mother thinks. I'm not sleeping with your mother, I'm sleeping with you. WOMAN (V.O.) You won't be for long, with that attitude. MAN (V.O.) Jesus, Jennifer, if you're so god damned worried about your mother's approval, why don't you move back home so she can pat you on the head when you do something right. ELECTRA Jerk. Jennifer is too stunned to say anything. There is a long pause that is not at all like television. It seems very real. She starts to say something, but stops, trying to keep herself from crying. MAN (V.O.) Oh good. Go ahead and cry. JENNIFER (WOMAN) (V.O.) Would you please leave? Electra lifts her head, smelling the air. ELECTRA Mmm, smell that, Nikita? Nikita, Electra's black cat, is stretched lazily across the top of a chair, her tail twitching absently. Every corner of the chair has been clawed open. Electra reaches for the control board and throws a series of switches. The monitors flicker as the image changes. We are now looking down into a kitchen. A stove is beneath us, almost like a cooking show, where a round woman is taking out a tray of chocolate chip cookies. Electra smells them again, smiling as she inhales. ELECTRA I hope she saves some for us. There is a BANG, a DOOR SLAMMING in another apartment, and a MAN YELLING. Electra switches back to Jennifer's apartment. The man is still in the living room, but Jennifer is gone. MAN (V.O.) Do you think slamming doors is going to help work this out? Electra punches a command into a keyboard. Several of the screens change, showing different rooms of the same apartment. Jennifer is in the bedroom, lying on the bed sobbing, her face buried in a pillow. MAN (V.O.) I can slam doors too! We hear the front DOOR SLAM in the hall outside of Electra's apartment and through the monitor speakers. His stomping FOOTSTEPS FADE as he storms down the hall and staircase out of the building. Electra switches all of the screens to Jennifer. She watches and listens to her cry alone in her bedroom. Electra reaches out; her fingers lightly touch the monitor screen. INT. APARTMENT HALL Electra's front door opens slowly. Timidly, she steps out of her apartment and walks down the hall until she is standing in front of Jennifer's door. She starts to knock, but stops herself. She isn't sure she should do this. She paces, then turns to the door. She knocks, so softly it's almost impossible to hear. She stands, trying to force herself to knock again, when she hears Jennifer. JENNIFER (O.S.) Hello? Ken, is that you? Electra panics. The door knob turns, the door opens and JENNIFER looks out into the hall. It is empty. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT On the monitors, Electra watches Jennifer pick up the phone. JENNIFER (V.O.) Hi, Mom, it's me. Ken and I just had a big fight. Electra's PAGER suddenly SOUNDS. She shuts down the screens and pulls out the pager, checking the number. ELECTRA Crap. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT There is a system set up that is not unlike Rath's system; all of the same components, though the equipment is bigger, more powerful and less portable. On a table there is a bank of phones, several cellular. Electra is talking on one. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra, they are not paying you to sit at home and watch television. Electra is fiddling with five plastic computer disks; each has a MicroCell trademark and is labeled "Back-Up." ELECTRA I wasn't watching television. WOMAN (V.O.) The point is, they are paying for information. Real information. Not tooth paste brands. Not whether he wads of folds his toilet paper. And no 16 hours of recorded phone sex. You are wasting everyone's time with this shit. ELECTRA I thought it was interesting -- WOMAN (V.O.) God damnit, Electra. This is not a game. This is business. ELECTRA Right. In my hands I have five back-up disks he made of all of his work last night. WOMAN (V.O.) Jesus! Why didn't you tell me? ELECTRA I'll make my usual arrangements and expect my usual bonus. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra -- ELECTRA A pleasure doing business with you. She hangs up. INT. LOBBY Electra comes down the stairs. Outside the large glass door she sees KEN, Jennifer's boyfriend, leaving. On the lobby floor is a letter, apparently slipped under the door, addressed to Jennifer Morgan. Electra looks out the front door window, making sure that Ken is gone. She picks up the letter and stuffs it into her pocket. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is at his computer system. He is staring at it, like it is a living thing, a person that he despises, the blank screen reflecting his own face. It is an effort to bring himself to touch the keyboard, to type in his code. He waits. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Hello, Robert. Rath wants to type something but hesitates. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know what happened. RATH I bet you fucking know! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN It cost us. Rath jumps out of his chair, screaming at the screen. RATH I give a fuck? I'm done! I quit! Do you fucking hear me! I'm fucking gone! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN He stole another contract. Rath turns from the monitor, pacing. Trying to collect himself. RATH I'm being set up. Fucking set up! He looks at the chess board. He hovers over it, the pattern completely familiar. RATH Is this how it went, Nick? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Robert? Robert? Rath turns back to the screen, speaking as he types. RATH/SCREEN How did he know? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Know what? RATH/SCREEN The fucking contract! How in the fuck did he know. A long beat. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Such language in front of a lady. Rath still talking and typing. RATH/SCREEN I don't know what the fuck you are. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know. It was a joke. Rath stands, no longer typing. RATH A joke? A joke? Rath takes out his gun and levels it at the face of the screen. RATH You think this is a fucking joke? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN $1,000,000. Rath looks at the number. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN That's the bonus on the contract. Rath puts the gun down. RATH/SCREEN Deadline? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Tomorrow. The buyer is Japanese. His retirement a condition of the bonus. The FAX MACHINE COMES TO LIFE, printing an inky image. RATH/SCREEN Who is the mark? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Freelancer. A woman. Surveillance specialist. RATH A player? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN We have an M.O... Her system is protected by her 'pussy virus.' Rath looks at the fax; almost entirely black except for the wide, slit-iris cat eyes. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY There is a SCREECH and BLAST of ENGINES as a 747 touches down, heat rising off the tarmac. INT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY Several passengers walk through the gate into the terminal. Across from the gate, Rath sits in a grungy airport cafeteria, reading a folded paper. He is wearing an airport security uniform, a gun holstered to his side. Taped inside the newspaper is a faxed Interpol photograph of a Japanese man wanted for "industrial espionage." At the gate, five Japanese men emerge. Leading the group is the man in Rath's photo. The other four are obviously muscle. Rath watches as they walk down the crowded terminal hall. When they are almost out of sight, he folds his newspaper and begins to follow. His pace and manner is that of a cautious predator. His focus shifts continually from face to face, expecting to find Bain's. His hand hovers near his gun. Ahead of him a thin young man, wearing a long blue trench coat, stops. Rath cannot see his face. The man starts toward a drinking fountain. Rath catches a glimpse of his face. It could be Bain, but he isn't sure. The young man bends over and slurps at the stream of water. He rises into the barrel of Rath's .22. A mouthful of water coughs from his mouth. It is not Bain and in the next instant, the gun is gone. RATH Sorry. My mistake. Rath continues. They young man is unable to move. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY The five men stride through the automated terminal doors and towards a waiting limousine. Further down, Rath, now wearing a black T-shirt and jeans, exits and hails a cab. INT. CAB RATH Hi. Up ahead my boss is in that black limo. We're not sure which hotel we're at, so could you just follow them? CABBY Sure. Rath sits back studying the faces exiting the terminal as the cab pulls away. INT. LIMOUSINE The five men sit in silence. Strangely, a PHONE begins to RING. The older man, whose name is AKIRA, opens his briefcase, removing a cellular phone. AKIRA Hello? We hear Electra's voice. She speaks in Japanese; he uses English. ELECTRA (V.O.) I trust your flight was comfortable? AKIRA Your Japanese is excellent. ELECTRA (V.O.) Tell the driver: the Hyatt Hotel. INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY Electra is pacing, talking into the cellular phone. ELECTRA I'll call you again in twenty minutes. She punches a button and shoves the antennae down. The hotel room looks like her apartment. There is a computer and a series of monitors stacked on top of the wood laminate desk. Cables whip and wind across the carpeted floor to the central air duct. The panel has been removed and intertwined black and gray coaxial run up inside the duct. Immediately, Electra is busy finishing her preparations. She snaps in several power cords and the system comes on- line. On the monitor screen, we see an empty hotel room that looks exactly like the one she is in. INT. CAB Rath stares out the window, watching the surrounding traffic, the limo still in sight. Something occurs to him and he looks down at the folded newspaper where he had hid the contract file. He flips past several documents before finding what he's looking for; the cat. He pulls the dark fax of Nikita and stares at it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Laying on the bed, in a patch of sunlight, Nikita watches Electra rush about. Electra grabs the sheet from under the comforter and yanks it out. ELECTRA Excuse me, your Highness. Nikita casually walks off the bed. Electra takes the sheet to the open duct and tears off a long piece of duct-tape. EXT. HYATT HOTEL The limousine pulls up in the lavish circular driveway. The cab pulls in behind it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra checks her watch and picks up the cellular phone. INT. HYATT LOBBY The Japanese men stand in a cluster looking very rigid and uncomfortable. The BRIEFCASE RINGS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is pacing again. ELECTRA Room 1414. INT. HYATT LOBBY With several other guests, the Japanese men crowd into an elevator. The doors close. Across the lobby, Rath enters, walking past the elevators. INT. ELEVATOR As the elevator rises, we begin to hear a SOUND, a familiar sound. Cramped in the corner is Bain. He is PLAYING "TETRIS," wearing dark sunglasses and a WALKMAN PUMPING SPEED METAL into his ears. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra continues to pace, checking the monitors. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN At the switchboard, a YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE wearing an operator's headset, takes a late breakfast order, typing the order in the hotel computer. YOUNG MAN (YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE) Yes, sir. That'll be up in about thirty minutes. You're welcome. He turns around and Rath is right behind him. INT. ELEVATOR The fourteenth floor; the BELL CHIMES, the doors slide open and the clump of Japanese men get out. Just as the doors begin to close, Bain steps out. INT. HALL Bain follows them down the hall, still PLAYING the GAME. There is again an ominous sense of predator moving in on its prey. As Akira finds 1414 and opens the door, another door burst open, a large family, heading for the pool. The moment is gone; the Japanese men close the door and Bain continues down the hall again, PLAYING the GAME. INT. HOTEL SUITE When the Japanese men enter the suite, we realize that this is the image on Electra's monitors. Surveillance camcorders and microphones are mounted in various locations to display every inch of the room. The group hesitates for a moment, under the electronic eyes. The four goons have their hands in their jackets. A small LAPTOP COMPUTER sits on the coffee table HUMMING SOFTLY. It is the only noise in the room until a speaker crackles. ELECTRA/SPEAKER (V.O.) Good morning, gentlemen. I apologize for the arrangement, but we all know those aren't business cards you're reaching for. If anyone leaves this room, the deal's off. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN The operator is unconscious, slumped in the corner. Rath studies the hotel computer screen intently, the information rolling by. We see that it is the previous night's room service receipts. RATH One vegetarian plate and a can of tuna fish. Room 1014. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stands in front of the monitors watching the men as she speaks into the microphone. ELECTRA Ten thousand dollars per disk. Insert the first disk now. On the monitor, we see Akira at the coffee table shove the first disk into the laptop disk drive. INT. HOTEL SUITE Akira turns from the small computer screen and nods at a goon, who drops a green brick of bound one hundred dollar bills, down the central air duct. The little clock on the laptop ticks away as it copies. INT. HYATT HALL Bain is sitting on a bench entrenched in a fevered game of "TETRIS." Suddenly, he stops. BAIN Yes! The display of the game reads "Game Over" and congratulates Bain on a new high score. Bain stands, smiling. He puts the game in his pocket and starts down the hall. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is crouched at the open duct, grabbing another stack of money, stuffing it into her bag. A LOUD BANG EXPLODES out of the SPEAKERS and she looks up at the monitor. INT. HOTEL SUITE The lock on the door has been broken and standing in the frame is Bain. BAIN Surprise! He raises his arm, his GUN spitting SILENT BULLETS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stares in horror at the monitors as Bain grabs the nearest bodyguard, FIRING a SHOT into his belly. ELECTRA Oh, God. INT. HOTEL SUITE Another SHOT and the second bodyguard falls. The other two draw their handguns and Bain shields himself with the lifeless body of his first victim. They FIRE at Bain but are unable to hit him. Bain squeezes off TWO MORE SHOTS and the two men fall dead. He lets his human shield fall to the ground and levels his gun on the shaking Akira. AKIRA Don't kill me. Bain looks at him and smiles, then FIRES. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra leaps at the computer, ripping the cord from the modem. Bain sees the fiber optic cable and looks right into it. BAIN (V.O.) Tricky. Boy, you just can't trust anyone these days. He licks the lens, leaving a smear of saliva. She stuffs the disks into her bag. She puts Nikita in her "travel kitty" and charges for the door, grabbing her coat. Flinging it over her shoulder, she does not notice the letter from Ken slip out of her pocket as she bolts from the room. INT. HALL Electra explodes through the door and suddenly freezes. She is staring down the barrel of Rath's .22. RATH Don't be stupid and you will live. The elevator behind Rath opens and closes against a hotel lobby ashtray. He waves her into the elevator with his gun. RATH Hurry. EXT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY Electra's black CAR ROARS out of the garage, onto the open street. INT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY The door swings open. From the hall we can hear the familiar BEEPING of the COMPUTER GAME. The room, 1014, is the same as Electra had left it when she ran out. Jutting from a shadow on the floor is the corner of Ken's letter. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Electra drives, obviously nervous, as Rath watches out the rear window. RATH Turn here. No one follows. He turns back to her. RATH How many bodies were there? He checks his watch. ELECTRA What? RATH He has to clean up. How many bodies were there? ELECTRA Um, five. RATH One hour per man. Rath sets the timer on his watch for five hours. INT. HYATT HOTEL ROOM - DAY Bain has returned to room 1414. Wearing rubber gloves, he clicks open a black leather attache and pulls out a can of rug cleaner. He picks up the phone for room service. BAIN Hi. This is room 1414 -- Behind him, in the bathroom mirror, we see one of the Japanese men hanging from the shower by his feet. He is naked. BAIN Yes, could you send up a pot of coffee and my friends are going to need some more towels. Thanks. He hangs up the phone and walks over to one of the large blood stains on the carpet. He points the rug cleaner at the stain covering it with white foam. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Rath sees the entrance for the expressway. RATH Get on the expressway. ELECTRA Where are we going? Rath glances back. RATH Nowhere yet. Electra turns onto the highway and NIKITA HOWLS from the "travel kitty" in the back seat. ELECTRA Nikita, hush. NIKITA wants out and HOWLS again. ELECTRA She won't stop unless you let her out. Rath reaches back and opens the box. Nikita springs into the front seat onto Rath's lap. RATH Nikita? She helped me find you. ELECTRA What? How did you know I had a cat? RATH Took a guess. Lucky for you, I guessed right. ELECTRA Who the fuck are you? Who do you work for? RATH I work for the government. ELECTRA Yeah? She studies his face, his eyes. ELECTRA Bullshit. RATH Yeah. ELECTRA You're one of them, aren't you? A fucking pro. RATH I'm part of the game, just like you. Electra pounds the steering wheel. ELECTRA Jesus! He reaches into the back seat, grabbing her bag. ELECTRA What do you think you're doing? Rath plucks out the bundles of money. RATH Twenty large? That's all? ELECTRA What do you mean, 'that's all'? What in the hell do you know? RATH The bonus on the contract for you was one million dollars. Electra seems ready to jump out of her skin. The speedometer is floating around 90. RATH Slow down. He pulls out the disks. RATH I figure that means these are worth ten times that, maybe more. ELECTRA Ten million -- RATH Now you understand

would

How many times the word 'would' appears in the text?

BAIN What? RATH What restaurant? BAIN Uh, Fontella's RATH So you're from around here? BAIN No. No I'm not. Bain is getting agitated. RATH Where you from? BAIN What is this? RATH Not too good at small talk, eh? BAIN Look, I'm real tired and I'm not interested in fucking chit-chat. RATH I know just what you mean. I'm pretty beat myself. Silence. RATH Since you looked like a waiter, I had to ask what restaurant because of what happened at the Trattoria Roma. Bain looks up. BAIN Why? What happened? RATH Didn't you here all them sirens? It's been all over the radio. Some guy shot Leevio Valli, and a bunch of bystanders, in the Trattoria Roma. BAIN No shit. RATH Yeah, it's terrible. I mean Valli, and I don't care what office he's running for, the guy's a crook. He probably had it coming, but all the other people. Real sad. BAIN Yeah. RATH But they caught the guy. I heard it all. Sounded like he just went berserk, fucking loco. Shooting anybody. Drugs, probably. BAIN Probably. RATH I'd love to sit in that jury. Send that S.O.B. right to the chair. Bain allows himself a bemused smile. BAIN Sizzle lean. The cab passes the intersection for the airport. Bain sits up. BAIN What are you doing? RATH What? BAIN That was Peterson back there. That goes to the expressway for the airport. RATH You're right. Talking too much again. BAIN Yeah well, you just blew your tip, pal. RATH What? You think I'm running you up? BAIN Just do your job. Rath pulls over and slaps the cab in park. BAIN What are you doing? RATH Get out. You think I'm running you up? Get out. BAIN You can't -- RATH The hell I can't. It's my cab. I don't like you. So, get the hell out! Bain can't figure out what is wrong, when he sees the dashboard and the missing ID. Their eyes meet in the rearview mirror. BAIN Holy fucking shit! The cab rocks as both men move. Instantly guns fill their hands. Bain ripping out a .357 lifted from one of the dead cops. Rath rolls to the side whipping the gun free from his jacket. Bain throws open the door, about to run, but stops. He looks at Rath. He wants him to run. Anyone who moves away from the bullet proof glass is dead. Both men are silent, each holding the other in their gun sights. Bain blinks, sweat forming on his lip. BAIN I get out, you got me. Bain reaches over and closes the door. He smiles knowing it is the right move. BAIN Now what? Rath calmly uncocks his gun. RATH We're both going to the airport. Bain nods. RATH Sit back. Put your seatbelt on. BAIN No fucking way. RATH Okay, don't. Bain thinks. RATH If either of us fucks around, the other can blow the fuel line. He points his gun at the floor where the fuel line runs. Bain sits back, aiming his gun, watching Rath. Rath eases back into the driver's seat, also holding his gun on the fuel line. He puts the car into drive and slides back into traffic, turning back towards Peterson. They sit in silence, studying each other, when they hit the expressway. Bain can't contain himself, giddy on adrenaline. BAIN Jesus -- I'm being driven to the airport by Robert Rath. He laughs. BAIN I can't believe this. You rolled some cabby for the radio, then waited for an airport fare. He laughs again. BAIN Boy, that's fucking genius. You're a fucking genius. Then you're just sitting there, bullshitting with me. Man, no way I coulda done that! RATH What's your name? We both know it's not Nicholai. BAIN Holy shit! Robert Rath wants to know my name. He leans back. This is a big moment for him. BAIN Bain. Michael Bain. RATH How long have you been freelance? BAIN Two years. Two long fucking years. Something occurs to him and he leans close to the window. BAIN Hey. What I don't get was why didn't you take the shot inside the restaurant? I mean you had me, a free shot. That's what I would have done. RATH It's just a shoot-out then. Sixty- forty, at best. Not my odds. BAIN Sounds like chickenshit -- He laughs hard. BAIN Listen to me calling you chickenshit! He stops laughing and looks closely at the back of Rath's head. BAIN Is that a wig? Shit, I hate wigs! Wigs are the worst part of this job. I'd rather dye my hair than wear a wig. Rath studies him. RATH You're wearing a wig now. Bain chokes on his laugh. BAIN God damn are you good. Everyone says you're so fucking good. I just can't believe I'm still alive. If I believed in God, I'd be down on my knees. Right now -- Hey, how come you just didn't plug us all when we came through the door? Rath does not answer. Bain smiles. He knows something about Rath now; he doesn't like killing innocent people. BAIN Shit if I was you, back there -- He holds his gun up to the bulletproof glass behind Rath's head. BAIN Game over. He laughs. BAIN Do you mind if I ask you a couple of business questions? You know I was wondering how much you bid this job at? Rath says nothing. BAIN You don't have to tell me that. It's just, I know my bid was low, but was it too low? I mean, did I seem like an amateur, like I didn't know what I was doing? RATH We both know what you were doing. Bain moves close to the glass again, checking out Rath's gun. BAIN Smith and Wesson .22 with an eight inch silencer. Classic. When I first heard you used that, I thought, shit, that's a lady's gun. Now, it's all I use. Clean, real clean. He looks at the gun, still trained at the floor. BAIN Would you really blow us? Rath does not have to answer. BAIN Oh! I got a question. Jesus, this has been driving me crazy for years -- shit, listen to me. I sound like some fucking fanboy. I'm sorry, but I just got to ask you. Everybody talks about how you left the Agency and got into the business and then how you went after the Russian, Nicholai Talinkov -- RATH Tachlinkov. BAIN Yeah, that's it. And he's like a fucking genius. They said he shaded you over and over. And in the end, he aced you again. Shaded and faded. They say he's living on some Greek island, but I say that's fucking bullshit. I say you're the best and that you planted his ass. Am I right? Rath says nothing. BAIN I bet I'm right. The car passes under a sign indicating the ramp for the Cleveland airport. BAIN Robert Bain, driving me! Jesus fucking Christ! RATH After those cops, you'll never be able to come back to Cleveland. BAIN Who the fuck cares about Cleveland. Cleveland blows. What kind of marks have they got here? Greasy mobster, teamster or some hand job politician. I want the money marks. I want the marks that you get. A long beat of silence. The CAB RUMBLES up onto the "departures" ramp which circles past all of the terminals. BAIN So what happens now? RATH We go around once. BAIN Bullshit. He throws off his seatbelt. BAIN You tell me that we're gonna go around once, then, while I'm checking out the lay of the land, you bail out and send me flying over the bridge. Right? Am I right? Rath doesn't answer, studying the terminals, noting the police and airport security. Rath studies the terrain. Bain studies Rath. Soon they have passed the entire airport. Rath nods. Steering the car through traffic in onto a circle interchange that will bring them to the beginning. Bain wipes the sweat from his face. RATH Okay. BAIN What? What's okay? Rath begins to accelerate, rounding the interchange. BAIN What are you doing? RATH There's a sand barricade up ahead; I'm going to ram this cab into it. The cab has an airbag, odds are good I'll survive. But with this steel casing and bullet proof glass, odds for you are not so good. Bain laughs. BAIN Oh man, that's sweet. That's fucking sweet. The speedometer continues to climb. BAIN You're bluffing. Rath says nothing. Ahead, at the ramp to the terminals, is the sand barricade. BAIN You're fucking with me. You want me to jump. I jump, you hit the brakes and bang -- Game over. The cab is flying at its target. BAIN No, no. Wait. You don't want me to jump. You're going to jump. I'm stuck back here until it's too late. Wham -- over! RATH I know you're going to jump. Bain looks at him and then at the barricade. RATH You're still young. Young enough to still think you're indestructible. Invincible. You believe with utter certainty you can bail out at the last second and survive. The barricade hurtles toward them, rising up, filling the windshield. RATH If you do survive, we'll see each other again. Bain screams, throwing open the door and hurling himself out. Rath jams on the brakes, TIRES SCREAMING, steering into the steel side rail, banking the car into the drums of sand as -- Bain hits the pavement, bouncing like a stone skipped across water. A driver hits his brakes, swerving, just missing him. SAND EXPLODES from the impact and the cab bounces up over the median into the bus-only lanes as the driver's airbag balloons out of the steering wheel. Bain rolls and rolls, finally stopping sprawled out like a piece of roadkill. The cab careens up onto a curb, slamming into a pole, the radiator spitting out a cloud of WHISTLING STEAM. Several cars lock up and collide to avoid Bain; one car stopping inches from him. A woman jumps out, rushing to the front of the car, but Bain is gone. Police CARS ROAR up into the midst of the accident. One of them pulling alongside the demolished cab. The door is open, the airbag popped. Rath is gone. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY A large six flat leans out from a hill in San Francisco. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT - DAY The apartment is always dark; heavy drapes cover the windows. The dining and living rooms look like the control booth of a network television show, stacks of video monitors and consoles, cables, electric wiring, coils of fiber optic cord duct-taped to the floors, walls and ceilings. They snake through holes punched in the plaster walls and hang everywhere like some technological jungle. At the center of this tangled web is ELECTRA, a beautiful athletic looking woman wearing only her underwear and a worn robe. She is curled up in an overstuffed chair, a bowl of popcorn in her lap. On the monitors, she is watching what at first might be mistaken for a soap opera; a young couple are having an argument. What is strange is that the angle never changes; a fish- eye lens staring down into the room. MAN (V.O.) I don't give a shit what your mother thinks. I'm not sleeping with your mother, I'm sleeping with you. WOMAN (V.O.) You won't be for long, with that attitude. MAN (V.O.) Jesus, Jennifer, if you're so god damned worried about your mother's approval, why don't you move back home so she can pat you on the head when you do something right. ELECTRA Jerk. Jennifer is too stunned to say anything. There is a long pause that is not at all like television. It seems very real. She starts to say something, but stops, trying to keep herself from crying. MAN (V.O.) Oh good. Go ahead and cry. JENNIFER (WOMAN) (V.O.) Would you please leave? Electra lifts her head, smelling the air. ELECTRA Mmm, smell that, Nikita? Nikita, Electra's black cat, is stretched lazily across the top of a chair, her tail twitching absently. Every corner of the chair has been clawed open. Electra reaches for the control board and throws a series of switches. The monitors flicker as the image changes. We are now looking down into a kitchen. A stove is beneath us, almost like a cooking show, where a round woman is taking out a tray of chocolate chip cookies. Electra smells them again, smiling as she inhales. ELECTRA I hope she saves some for us. There is a BANG, a DOOR SLAMMING in another apartment, and a MAN YELLING. Electra switches back to Jennifer's apartment. The man is still in the living room, but Jennifer is gone. MAN (V.O.) Do you think slamming doors is going to help work this out? Electra punches a command into a keyboard. Several of the screens change, showing different rooms of the same apartment. Jennifer is in the bedroom, lying on the bed sobbing, her face buried in a pillow. MAN (V.O.) I can slam doors too! We hear the front DOOR SLAM in the hall outside of Electra's apartment and through the monitor speakers. His stomping FOOTSTEPS FADE as he storms down the hall and staircase out of the building. Electra switches all of the screens to Jennifer. She watches and listens to her cry alone in her bedroom. Electra reaches out; her fingers lightly touch the monitor screen. INT. APARTMENT HALL Electra's front door opens slowly. Timidly, she steps out of her apartment and walks down the hall until she is standing in front of Jennifer's door. She starts to knock, but stops herself. She isn't sure she should do this. She paces, then turns to the door. She knocks, so softly it's almost impossible to hear. She stands, trying to force herself to knock again, when she hears Jennifer. JENNIFER (O.S.) Hello? Ken, is that you? Electra panics. The door knob turns, the door opens and JENNIFER looks out into the hall. It is empty. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT On the monitors, Electra watches Jennifer pick up the phone. JENNIFER (V.O.) Hi, Mom, it's me. Ken and I just had a big fight. Electra's PAGER suddenly SOUNDS. She shuts down the screens and pulls out the pager, checking the number. ELECTRA Crap. INT. ELECTRA'S APARTMENT There is a system set up that is not unlike Rath's system; all of the same components, though the equipment is bigger, more powerful and less portable. On a table there is a bank of phones, several cellular. Electra is talking on one. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra, they are not paying you to sit at home and watch television. Electra is fiddling with five plastic computer disks; each has a MicroCell trademark and is labeled "Back-Up." ELECTRA I wasn't watching television. WOMAN (V.O.) The point is, they are paying for information. Real information. Not tooth paste brands. Not whether he wads of folds his toilet paper. And no 16 hours of recorded phone sex. You are wasting everyone's time with this shit. ELECTRA I thought it was interesting -- WOMAN (V.O.) God damnit, Electra. This is not a game. This is business. ELECTRA Right. In my hands I have five back-up disks he made of all of his work last night. WOMAN (V.O.) Jesus! Why didn't you tell me? ELECTRA I'll make my usual arrangements and expect my usual bonus. WOMAN (V.O.) Electra -- ELECTRA A pleasure doing business with you. She hangs up. INT. LOBBY Electra comes down the stairs. Outside the large glass door she sees KEN, Jennifer's boyfriend, leaving. On the lobby floor is a letter, apparently slipped under the door, addressed to Jennifer Morgan. Electra looks out the front door window, making sure that Ken is gone. She picks up the letter and stuffs it into her pocket. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Rath is at his computer system. He is staring at it, like it is a living thing, a person that he despises, the blank screen reflecting his own face. It is an effort to bring himself to touch the keyboard, to type in his code. He waits. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Hello, Robert. Rath wants to type something but hesitates. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know what happened. RATH I bet you fucking know! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN It cost us. Rath jumps out of his chair, screaming at the screen. RATH I give a fuck? I'm done! I quit! Do you fucking hear me! I'm fucking gone! CONTRACTOR/SCREEN He stole another contract. Rath turns from the monitor, pacing. Trying to collect himself. RATH I'm being set up. Fucking set up! He looks at the chess board. He hovers over it, the pattern completely familiar. RATH Is this how it went, Nick? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Robert? Robert? Rath turns back to the screen, speaking as he types. RATH/SCREEN How did he know? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Know what? RATH/SCREEN The fucking contract! How in the fuck did he know. A long beat. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Such language in front of a lady. Rath still talking and typing. RATH/SCREEN I don't know what the fuck you are. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN I know. It was a joke. Rath stands, no longer typing. RATH A joke? A joke? Rath takes out his gun and levels it at the face of the screen. RATH You think this is a fucking joke? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN $1,000,000. Rath looks at the number. CONTRACTOR/SCREEN That's the bonus on the contract. Rath puts the gun down. RATH/SCREEN Deadline? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Tomorrow. The buyer is Japanese. His retirement a condition of the bonus. The FAX MACHINE COMES TO LIFE, printing an inky image. RATH/SCREEN Who is the mark? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN Freelancer. A woman. Surveillance specialist. RATH A player? CONTRACTOR/SCREEN We have an M.O... Her system is protected by her 'pussy virus.' Rath looks at the fax; almost entirely black except for the wide, slit-iris cat eyes. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY There is a SCREECH and BLAST of ENGINES as a 747 touches down, heat rising off the tarmac. INT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY Several passengers walk through the gate into the terminal. Across from the gate, Rath sits in a grungy airport cafeteria, reading a folded paper. He is wearing an airport security uniform, a gun holstered to his side. Taped inside the newspaper is a faxed Interpol photograph of a Japanese man wanted for "industrial espionage." At the gate, five Japanese men emerge. Leading the group is the man in Rath's photo. The other four are obviously muscle. Rath watches as they walk down the crowded terminal hall. When they are almost out of sight, he folds his newspaper and begins to follow. His pace and manner is that of a cautious predator. His focus shifts continually from face to face, expecting to find Bain's. His hand hovers near his gun. Ahead of him a thin young man, wearing a long blue trench coat, stops. Rath cannot see his face. The man starts toward a drinking fountain. Rath catches a glimpse of his face. It could be Bain, but he isn't sure. The young man bends over and slurps at the stream of water. He rises into the barrel of Rath's .22. A mouthful of water coughs from his mouth. It is not Bain and in the next instant, the gun is gone. RATH Sorry. My mistake. Rath continues. They young man is unable to move. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT - DAY The five men stride through the automated terminal doors and towards a waiting limousine. Further down, Rath, now wearing a black T-shirt and jeans, exits and hails a cab. INT. CAB RATH Hi. Up ahead my boss is in that black limo. We're not sure which hotel we're at, so could you just follow them? CABBY Sure. Rath sits back studying the faces exiting the terminal as the cab pulls away. INT. LIMOUSINE The five men sit in silence. Strangely, a PHONE begins to RING. The older man, whose name is AKIRA, opens his briefcase, removing a cellular phone. AKIRA Hello? We hear Electra's voice. She speaks in Japanese; he uses English. ELECTRA (V.O.) I trust your flight was comfortable? AKIRA Your Japanese is excellent. ELECTRA (V.O.) Tell the driver: the Hyatt Hotel. INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY Electra is pacing, talking into the cellular phone. ELECTRA I'll call you again in twenty minutes. She punches a button and shoves the antennae down. The hotel room looks like her apartment. There is a computer and a series of monitors stacked on top of the wood laminate desk. Cables whip and wind across the carpeted floor to the central air duct. The panel has been removed and intertwined black and gray coaxial run up inside the duct. Immediately, Electra is busy finishing her preparations. She snaps in several power cords and the system comes on- line. On the monitor screen, we see an empty hotel room that looks exactly like the one she is in. INT. CAB Rath stares out the window, watching the surrounding traffic, the limo still in sight. Something occurs to him and he looks down at the folded newspaper where he had hid the contract file. He flips past several documents before finding what he's looking for; the cat. He pulls the dark fax of Nikita and stares at it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Laying on the bed, in a patch of sunlight, Nikita watches Electra rush about. Electra grabs the sheet from under the comforter and yanks it out. ELECTRA Excuse me, your Highness. Nikita casually walks off the bed. Electra takes the sheet to the open duct and tears off a long piece of duct-tape. EXT. HYATT HOTEL The limousine pulls up in the lavish circular driveway. The cab pulls in behind it. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra checks her watch and picks up the cellular phone. INT. HYATT LOBBY The Japanese men stand in a cluster looking very rigid and uncomfortable. The BRIEFCASE RINGS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is pacing again. ELECTRA Room 1414. INT. HYATT LOBBY With several other guests, the Japanese men crowd into an elevator. The doors close. Across the lobby, Rath enters, walking past the elevators. INT. ELEVATOR As the elevator rises, we begin to hear a SOUND, a familiar sound. Cramped in the corner is Bain. He is PLAYING "TETRIS," wearing dark sunglasses and a WALKMAN PUMPING SPEED METAL into his ears. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra continues to pace, checking the monitors. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN At the switchboard, a YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE wearing an operator's headset, takes a late breakfast order, typing the order in the hotel computer. YOUNG MAN (YOUNG HOTEL EMPLOYEE) Yes, sir. That'll be up in about thirty minutes. You're welcome. He turns around and Rath is right behind him. INT. ELEVATOR The fourteenth floor; the BELL CHIMES, the doors slide open and the clump of Japanese men get out. Just as the doors begin to close, Bain steps out. INT. HALL Bain follows them down the hall, still PLAYING the GAME. There is again an ominous sense of predator moving in on its prey. As Akira finds 1414 and opens the door, another door burst open, a large family, heading for the pool. The moment is gone; the Japanese men close the door and Bain continues down the hall again, PLAYING the GAME. INT. HOTEL SUITE When the Japanese men enter the suite, we realize that this is the image on Electra's monitors. Surveillance camcorders and microphones are mounted in various locations to display every inch of the room. The group hesitates for a moment, under the electronic eyes. The four goons have their hands in their jackets. A small LAPTOP COMPUTER sits on the coffee table HUMMING SOFTLY. It is the only noise in the room until a speaker crackles. ELECTRA/SPEAKER (V.O.) Good morning, gentlemen. I apologize for the arrangement, but we all know those aren't business cards you're reaching for. If anyone leaves this room, the deal's off. INT. ROOM SERVICE KITCHEN The operator is unconscious, slumped in the corner. Rath studies the hotel computer screen intently, the information rolling by. We see that it is the previous night's room service receipts. RATH One vegetarian plate and a can of tuna fish. Room 1014. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stands in front of the monitors watching the men as she speaks into the microphone. ELECTRA Ten thousand dollars per disk. Insert the first disk now. On the monitor, we see Akira at the coffee table shove the first disk into the laptop disk drive. INT. HOTEL SUITE Akira turns from the small computer screen and nods at a goon, who drops a green brick of bound one hundred dollar bills, down the central air duct. The little clock on the laptop ticks away as it copies. INT. HYATT HALL Bain is sitting on a bench entrenched in a fevered game of "TETRIS." Suddenly, he stops. BAIN Yes! The display of the game reads "Game Over" and congratulates Bain on a new high score. Bain stands, smiling. He puts the game in his pocket and starts down the hall. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra is crouched at the open duct, grabbing another stack of money, stuffing it into her bag. A LOUD BANG EXPLODES out of the SPEAKERS and she looks up at the monitor. INT. HOTEL SUITE The lock on the door has been broken and standing in the frame is Bain. BAIN Surprise! He raises his arm, his GUN spitting SILENT BULLETS. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra stares in horror at the monitors as Bain grabs the nearest bodyguard, FIRING a SHOT into his belly. ELECTRA Oh, God. INT. HOTEL SUITE Another SHOT and the second bodyguard falls. The other two draw their handguns and Bain shields himself with the lifeless body of his first victim. They FIRE at Bain but are unable to hit him. Bain squeezes off TWO MORE SHOTS and the two men fall dead. He lets his human shield fall to the ground and levels his gun on the shaking Akira. AKIRA Don't kill me. Bain looks at him and smiles, then FIRES. INT. HOTEL ROOM Electra leaps at the computer, ripping the cord from the modem. Bain sees the fiber optic cable and looks right into it. BAIN (V.O.) Tricky. Boy, you just can't trust anyone these days. He licks the lens, leaving a smear of saliva. She stuffs the disks into her bag. She puts Nikita in her "travel kitty" and charges for the door, grabbing her coat. Flinging it over her shoulder, she does not notice the letter from Ken slip out of her pocket as she bolts from the room. INT. HALL Electra explodes through the door and suddenly freezes. She is staring down the barrel of Rath's .22. RATH Don't be stupid and you will live. The elevator behind Rath opens and closes against a hotel lobby ashtray. He waves her into the elevator with his gun. RATH Hurry. EXT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY Electra's black CAR ROARS out of the garage, onto the open street. INT. HYATT HOTEL - DAY The door swings open. From the hall we can hear the familiar BEEPING of the COMPUTER GAME. The room, 1014, is the same as Electra had left it when she ran out. Jutting from a shadow on the floor is the corner of Ken's letter. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Electra drives, obviously nervous, as Rath watches out the rear window. RATH Turn here. No one follows. He turns back to her. RATH How many bodies were there? He checks his watch. ELECTRA What? RATH He has to clean up. How many bodies were there? ELECTRA Um, five. RATH One hour per man. Rath sets the timer on his watch for five hours. INT. HYATT HOTEL ROOM - DAY Bain has returned to room 1414. Wearing rubber gloves, he clicks open a black leather attache and pulls out a can of rug cleaner. He picks up the phone for room service. BAIN Hi. This is room 1414 -- Behind him, in the bathroom mirror, we see one of the Japanese men hanging from the shower by his feet. He is naked. BAIN Yes, could you send up a pot of coffee and my friends are going to need some more towels. Thanks. He hangs up the phone and walks over to one of the large blood stains on the carpet. He points the rug cleaner at the stain covering it with white foam. INT. ELECTRA'S CAR Rath sees the entrance for the expressway. RATH Get on the expressway. ELECTRA Where are we going? Rath glances back. RATH Nowhere yet. Electra turns onto the highway and NIKITA HOWLS from the "travel kitty" in the back seat. ELECTRA Nikita, hush. NIKITA wants out and HOWLS again. ELECTRA She won't stop unless you let her out. Rath reaches back and opens the box. Nikita springs into the front seat onto Rath's lap. RATH Nikita? She helped me find you. ELECTRA What? How did you know I had a cat? RATH Took a guess. Lucky for you, I guessed right. ELECTRA Who the fuck are you? Who do you work for? RATH I work for the government. ELECTRA Yeah? She studies his face, his eyes. ELECTRA Bullshit. RATH Yeah. ELECTRA You're one of them, aren't you? A fucking pro. RATH I'm part of the game, just like you. Electra pounds the steering wheel. ELECTRA Jesus! He reaches into the back seat, grabbing her bag. ELECTRA What do you think you're doing? Rath plucks out the bundles of money. RATH Twenty large? That's all? ELECTRA What do you mean, 'that's all'? What in the hell do you know? RATH The bonus on the contract for you was one million dollars. Electra seems ready to jump out of her skin. The speedometer is floating around 90. RATH Slow down. He pulls out the disks. RATH I figure that means these are worth ten times that, maybe more. ELECTRA Ten million -- RATH Now you understand

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How many times the word 'shaded' appears in the text?

BASIL EXPOSITION Agent Haggerty was the test, Austin. Not only were you actually reading an article in that Playboy, but a candy-stripe nurse offering to give you a sponge bath didn't so much as turn your head. AUSTIN Wait, I can explain, man! I was going to shag her but the article was so fascinating-- BASIL EXPOSITION I'm sorry, Austin, I'm afraid it's true: you've lost your mojo. Basil shows Austin the mojometer, which reads EMPTY. AUSTIN (crushed) Without my mojo, I'm useless to the Ministry and to Her Majesty. I think it's time to retire. BASIL EXPOSITION I'm afraid that's not possible, Austin. You see, Dr. Evil has returned. AUSTIN Again? BASIL EXPOSITION Again. INT. MOD - TIME-TRAVEL ROOM Austin and Basil ride on the back of a golf cart through the largest room you've ever seen in your life. BASIL EXPOSITION We have evidence that Dr. Evil has developed a time machine. Basil shows Austin altered photos of Dr. Evil with famous villains, such as Sadam, Nixon, and Donald Trump. BASIL EXPOSITION Our researcher noticed that these photos from the archives have changed. That means Dr. Evil is traveling back in time and creating alliances with each decade's most despised villains. Austin tries to read them and gets queasy. AUSTIN I can't read in the car. I get a bit vomy. Austin burps and swallows it. AUSTIN Got it. I almost gipped. BASIL EXPOSITION (V.O.) Our data indicates that Dr. Evil is in the year 1969. Luckily, we also have a time travel device. After years of research we've developed a machine that will transport you back to the Sixties. A bright overhead light comes on spotlighting a brand new VOLKSWAGEN BEETLE CONVERTIBLE, painted up psychedelic by Peter Max. AUSTIN But Basil, isn't that the new Volkswagen Beetle? BASIL EXPOSITION That's what they'd like you to believe. AUSTIN So, Basil, if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967, I could go look at my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the 90's and traveled back to the Sixties? (goes cross-eyed) Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed. BASIL EXPOSITION (to camera) I suggest you don't worry about those things and just enjoy yourself. Austin gets into the car and turns it on. AUSTIN This is smashing Basil. I'll go back to the Sixties, recharge my mojo, defeat Dr. Evil and be back in time for tea. BASIL EXPOSITION Good luck, Austin. AUSTIN Luck has nothing to do with it, Basil. Austin steps on the gas. The car lurches in reverse and smashes some equipment. AUSTIN Sorry. (changing gears) Swinging Sixties, here I come, baby, yeah! The car takes off, heading for the wall. It DISAPPEARS, leaving flaming tread marks. FLASH CUT TO: EXT. STREET - LONDON - The Beetle time machine appears out of nowhere and screeches to a stop. A London HIPPIE smoking a hukka watches. He throws the hukka down. Austin hops out. AUSTIN I feel better already, man! Austin smiles and we see that his teeth are back to being TERRIBLE. He walks off as a crowd gathers around the car. EXT. PARK - LONDON Austin enters the park in high spirits. We PULL BACK to see that Austin is being watched through binoculars by a big ARYAN ASSASSIN. PULL BACK FURTHER to reveal a beautiful MYSTERIOUS WOMAN watching both of them. From this distance we can't tell who she is. A sign reads "BE-IN FOR PEACE". HIPPIES, MODS, and FREAKS of all descriptions dance to the music of a PSYCHEDELIC BAND. The band's name is on the drum kit: "MING TEA." AUSTIN Alright, baby, a swinging shin-dig! Austin gets into the dancing, quickly becoming the center of the scene. The lead singer of the band invites him on stage and hands him the microphone as the band starts a new song: "SEXUAL REVOLUTION." Austin begins singing and a choreographed musical number begins involving the outdoor crowd a la Bob Fosse's Sweet Charity or Hair. AUSTIN (singing) 'THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION, YOU CAN FEEL IT IN THE AIR. PEOPLE SHAGGING JUST LIKE WEASELS AND THEY JUST DON'T SEEM TO CARE. Hip-thrusting young MOD FREAKS Fosse-hump rhythmically. AUSTIN (singing) HEY, WATCH OUT SQUARES... YOU MAKES US BORED! THE PENIS IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD Austin does various groovy dance moves like THE ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOT and THE HEAVYWEIGHT. AUSTIN (singing) THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION AND YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET PEOPLE SHAGGING IN THE CLUBS AND INSIDE A JUMBO JET Forty Austins appear in a KALEIDOSCOPE EFFECT. AUSTIN (singing) HEY SQUARE WORLD THE END IS NIGH. WHEN WE SAY HUMP YOU SAY 'HOW HIGH?' Three GROOVY CHICKS behind Austin suddenly have tambourines for the big finale. The assassin and the mysterious woman are both in the audience, keeping an eye on Austin. All we see of the woman are shots of her BOOTS, CLOTHES, and a FEMALE SYMBOL MEDALLION. AUSTIN (singing) SO GO MAKE LOVE OR MASTURBATE-- SEXUAL FREEDOM WILL NEVER BE OUT OF DAAAAAAAAAAATE! Austin holds the note an improbably long time, arms outstretched. The dancers crouch-walk towards the camera. EVERYONE (chanting) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (shouting) IT'S THE SIXTIES! The SONG ENDS and all the dancers end up on one knee with their arms outstretched, panting. Austin breathes heavily and smiles smugly like Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance. We are TIGHT ON Austin's ass. PULL BACK to see that it is the MYSTERIOUS WOMAN who is watching Austin's ass. She SMILES behind the binoculars hiding her face. 37 EXT. CARNABY ST. Austin walks down the street looking at his new BEATLES ALBUM. Sitting in a parked Citroen watching him is the ASSASSIN. The Aryan assassin nods to a SHOE-SHINE on the street. The shoe-shine boy nods to a BUSINESS MAN in a Homburg. The business man nods to a BOBBY. The bobby nods to a WOMAN WITH A BABY CARRIAGE. The woman with a baby carriage nods to a MIME. The mime nods to a BLIND BEGGAR with a tin cup. The blind beggar nods to a CARPENTER on a roof. The carpenter FLASHES A LIGHT to an INDIAN CHIEF. The Indian Chief gives a SMOKE SIGNAL to a TELEGRAPH OPERATOR. The telegraph operator sends a signal to the BEEFEATER GUARD. The Beefeater salutes with his pike to a SEXY TICKET COLLECTOR on a double-decker bus. The sexy ticket collector signals a TAXI DRIVER. The taxi driver nods back to the assassin as he drives by. INT. CITROEN The assassin gets the signal and starts the car. The whole nodding sequence was a circular waste of time. EXT. STREET - VARIOUS ANGLES Austin walks along. Suddenly, he sees the Citroen coming at him. He dives out of the way and takes off running. He rounds a corner and pretends to be a COUPLE MAKING OUT against a wall by hugging himself. The assassin sees him and slams on the brakes. He raises his gun. Austin turns as he hears a car HONK. It's Austin's BEETLE CONVERTIBLE. The mysterious woman steps out. We see her in her entirety for the first time, and what a sight it is. She has long auburn hair and wears a tight racing suit, unzipped just enough to show the female symbol medallion. She is FELICITY SHAGWELL. MUSIC: FELICITY'S THEME FELICITY Care for a ride? AUSTIN That's my Beetle, baby. FELICITY It was your Beetle. Get in. Austin dives in as the assassin FIRES. The car speeds off. INT. BEETLE (REAR PROJECTION) Felicity drives expertly. FELICITY Austin Powers, I presume? AUSTIN Powers by name, Powers by reputation. FELICITY Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Shagwell by name, Shag-very-Well by reputation. AUSTIN (turning to camera) Crazy, baby! EXT. ROAD The Beetle zips along, and then-- the Citroen appears behind it. The assassin FIRES. INT. BEETLE Felicity turns around to look. FELICITY Grab the wheel, would you? Austin grabs the wheel and Felicity pulls a gun. She turns and FIRES out the window. EXT. ROAD The assassin's tire BLOWS. The car skids towards a Cliff and he jumps out as it goes over. EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN The car goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it EXPLODES. EXT. CLIFF The assassin hangs on to a branch with one hand. He falls. ASSASSIN Ahhhhhhhh! EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN Same shot as the car: The assassin's body goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it, too, EXPLODES. FELICITY Well, Austin, I think this time you may have met your match. AUSTIN Oh, I've beaten Dr. Evil before, and I'll beat him again. FELICITY I was talking about me. She smiles, turns, and walks away. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD The room is dark, with only a single spotlight providing illumination. Suddenly, Austin and Felicity rise on an elevator into the middle of the spotlight. AUSTIN Welcome to my shag pad, baby. Light floods the pad, revealing hanging basket chairs, Hi- fi, and Warhol silk screens of Austin. Austin blows DUST off a table. AUSTIN Care for something to drink? Austin hits a button and a bookcase revolves to reveal a wetbar. AUSTIN Or perhaps something to read? Austin walks seductively over to the real wetbar and hits a button. It revolves to reveal a bookcase. AUSTIN How about a hot cup of coffee? FELICITY Yes, I rather fancy a grind. AUSTIN Oh, Behave! Austin hits a button and an automatic coffee-pourer pours a cup. MUSIC: Girl from Impenema by JOBIM AUSTIN Would you like a... mas-sage? A sensssual mas-sage? Austin hits a button and a series of actions take place: the floor opens up to reveal a sunken bed; red gels slide into place over the lamps; a painting slides back to reveal a reel-to-reel; an end table revolves to reveal a selection of massage oils. Felicity lies on her stomach. Austin begins to massage her. AUSTIN How does that feel, baby? FELICITY Mmm, lower. AUSTIN (lowering his voice) HOW DOES THAT FEEL, BABY? They laugh. Austin continues to massage her. FELICITY Wait, something's itching me. She reaches behind her and unties the strap of her evening dress, revealing her naked back. FELICITY That's better. AUSTIN Crikey!!! Austin GULPS and accidentally spurts way too much oil on her. AUSTIN Sorry. Austin continues the back rub and Felicity stretches out on the bed. AUSTIN (talking to his crotch) Hello, anyone home? C'mon lads, do it for England. Austin takes a peak-- nothing. He is panicked. FELICITY Oh, that was so relaxing. Felicity stretches very sexily. AUSTIN Would you 'like to see my etchings? FELICITY (sexy) I think I'm ready for bed. She moves close to Austin. He slides to the other side of the bed. AUSTIN I'll get you some PJs. FELICITY No, I'm ready for bed. She moves over to him. He avoids her. AUSTIN Oh, you'll want to clean your teeth then. Austin holds up toothpaste and toothbrush. Felicity finally grabs him and pins him to the bed. FELICITY No, I want to have sex with you, Austin. AUSTIN Hello Vicar! FELICITY I've studied everything about you- your methods, your accomplishments, your preferences. You're the reason I became a spy. Now, I've waited two years to meet you, so I say we get busy making up for lost time. Austin sits up. AUSTIN (reflective) Felicity, I used to think that way, too, but I guess... I guess I've changed. Not to make a short story long, or to ramble on and on, or to keep talking in a repetitive manner ad infinitum until it becomes impossible to remember what I was talking about in the first place, but- where was I? MUSIC: SAD INSTRUMENTAL AUSTIN Oh yes. Felicity, I can't shag you. I've lost my mojo. FELICITY (obviously disappointed) Oh. AUSTIN I thought coming back to the Sixties would bring it back, but it hasn't. FELICITY Austin, don't worry. I know just the man to help you. He's my guru. Ringo recommended him and he's the best. AUSTIN I'll warm up the Jumbo Jet, baby! EXT. AUSTIN'S PSYCHEDELIC JUMBO JET Austin's plane in flight. EXT. INDIA - STOCK FOOTAGE EXT./INT. BEETLE Austin and Felicity drive against obvious rear screen projection of India. INT. ASHRAM It looks like a mosque, with incense, tapestries, and DISCIPLES. Austin and Felicity enter. MUSIC: SITAR FELICITY There he is. That's my guru. We see the GURU PITKA (played by Mike), an Indian man in a bright red sari. FELICITY Guru, I'd like you to meet Austin Powers. AUSTIN How are you baby? GURU PITKA My chakras are aligned and I am in a perfect state of equipoise. AUSTIN Good on ya. I don't know what that means but it sounds fab. FELICITY Guru, we need some advice. GURU PITKA Hold your horses and any other beasts- of burden. I must lead my disciples in meditation and then I will help you. The Guru walks to the front of the room and the disciples sink to their knees. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA My name is the Guru Pitka. I am a spiritual teacher and I have combined many disparate disciplines into a unified movement of human potentiality and equipoise that I learned from my guru, the late Guru Shastri, a chaste man who died mysteriously of a disease that strangely had all the hallmarks of syphilis. He would say to me, Sparky, love is all, life is breath. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA Now, perhaps you are wondering where I got the nickname Sparky. Well, when we were young we used to play a game called "Stinkmop". We would urinate into a bucket, dip a mop into it, and play tag. I did not care for "Stinkmop" and a very wise old man said to me 'oh lighten up, Sparky', and I don't know, the name kind of stuck. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhhh... GURU PITKA Now, the reason I am a spiritualist instead of a therapist is that 'therapist' often becomes 'the rapist' and that will not help us attain potentiality. Now what is potentiality? It is the ability to achieve those goals that we wish to achieve for ourselves. People often say to me that they feel "nowhere", and I am going to change that to "Now here." The guru holds up a card which says "NOWHERE = NOW HERE!" DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh... GURU PITKA And you have many assumptions about your goals, but when you "assume" You make an "ass" out of "u" and "me". Guru holds up a card which says "ASSUME = ASS - U - ME." DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh.... GURU PITKA The being, or that which we call 'ourselves', is not the tinker. It is not the taughts. It is the Gap between the tinker and the taughts! We are not our mind, we are not our body, we are the Gap! Guru holds up a card that says "NOT TINKER, NOT TAUGHTS, BUT THE GAP" with the familiar Gap font. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA (rapid fire) The heart of the matter is that you are the heart of the matter. There is no "I" in "team". Beer before liquor, never sicker. Don't take a wooden nickel. If your pipe is short and your pump is weak, you better stand close or you'll piss on your feet. He who goes to bed with itchy bum wakes up with smelly finger. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA Finally, the path to spiritual awakening requires the death of ego. Leggo of my ego! Let us end with the mantra: Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. DISCIPLES (chanting) Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. The Guru takes a swig of Yoo-Hoo. GURU PITKA Go with God, and pay at the door please. The disciples file out. Austin and Felicity approach. GURU PITKA How can I help you? AUSTIN Guru, I'm having trouble performing. GURU PITKA What do you mean? AUSTIN You know- my bits and pieces are a bit sleepy. GURU PITKA I'm not understanding. AUSTIN I've forgotten the steps to the Mummy- Daddy dance. GURU PITKA Still not clear. AUSTIN My flag's at half mast and no one will salute it. GURU PITKA Sorry? AUSTIN My Willie don't work. GURU PITKA Why are you beating around the bush? AUSTIN That's my problem. GURU PITKA Ohhhhh, I get it. (beat) No, I don't get it. FELICITY He's impotent! AUSTIN Alright, easy. (to Guru) Felicity and I were all set for some hump Olympics and I couldn't bat for six. GURU PITKA Oh, yes, I see. AUSTIN You have no idea what I'm saying, do you? GURU PITKA Not a word. AUSTIN Guru, I've lost my mojo. GURU PITKA Oh, mojo! You should have said so. Well, you've lost your mojo because your chakras are misaligned. You have lost love. AUSTIN Lost love? Oh, you mean Vanessa? FELICITY Who's Vanessa? AUSTIN She was an evil robot minion of Dr. Evil. I couldn't have loved her. GURU PITKA Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, buddy. You will only get your mojo back when you surround yourself with love. AUSTIN Oh, I get what you're saying now! He's talking about free love, baby! Tune in, turn on, and drop out! GURU PITKA I am talking about true love. You must stay and study until you are worthy. AUSTIN No way, man. The only way to surround yourself with love is to throw a swinging shin-dig! Yeah, baby, yeah! INT. DR.EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR Dr. Evil and Frau are interrupted by the man we now know as FAT BASTARD. He is foul-mouthed, and when he swears he is bleeped. DR. EVIL Well done, Fat Bastard. May I have the mojo? FAT BASTARD First things first, where's your shitter? I've gotta bleepin, turtle head pokin' out. DR. EVIL (disgusted) Right. Charming. Fat Bastard- you don't mind me calling you Fat Bastard do you? FAT BASTARD I've got a lot of demons kickin' around in my noggin, but weight issues ain't one of them. DR. EVIL Alright, Fatty- FAT BASTARD The name is Fat Bastard! I'm the incorrect weight for my height and I was born out of wedlock, hence the moniker Fat Bastard. Hey, I'm not kiddin'. I've got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey. DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, the mojo? FAT BASTARD Where's my (bleeping) money? DR. EVIL A gentlemen never discusses money. FAT BASTARD Fine, you can take your (bleep)in' money and shove it up your (bleep), you stupid (bleeping) prick! While you're at it you can suck my greasy, two-toned (bleep)! DR. EVIL (pause) Vulgarity is no substitute for wit. FAT BASTARD (Bleep) you! DR. EVIL Right. Bring in the money. Dr. Evil PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIERS drive in a forklift loaded with gold bars. FAT BASTARD Alright, here it is. Fat Bastard slowly draws out the high-tech syringe full of MOJO. Dr. Evil is mesmerized. DR. EVIL Mini-Me, fetch. Mini-Me runs and snatches the mojo from Fat Bastard and gives it to Dr. Evil, who caresses it and places it on a SPECIALLY PREPARED PEDESTAL. NUMBER TWO enters. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I have some bad news. Austin Powers is back in the Sixties. One of our best assassins spotted him but he got away. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous, we have his mojo. NUMBER TWO There is another. Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Suddenly, Scott Evil enters through TIME PORTAL. DR. EVIL Scott, what are you doing here? SCOTT I don't know, I was sitting around watching the tube and The Courtship of Eddie's Father came on Nick at Nite, you know, and I was just listening to that theme song-- (hums/sings the theme) Anyway it made me think that maybe we could try and work things out. You know, you are my Dad and I need you. DR. EVIL You had your chance, Scott. I already have someone created in my image. He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins. (looking around) Has anyone seen Mini-Me? (calling out) Mini-Me! Mini-Mouse? Mini-Driver? Hello! Mini Pearl? Can we put a frickin' bell on him or something? Scott, very hurt, sits back in his chair and sulks. Dr. Evil hits a button and a model moon and a model earth descend. DR. EVIL Gentlemen, phase three. We place a giant laser on the moon. Let me demonstrate. (beat) Where's my laser? Dr. Evil looks around and sees Mini-Me gnawing on the model laser. Dr. Evil takes it from his mouth DR. EVIL Mini-Me, don't chew my laser. (to room) Not feeling well. He has an ear infection, but tit's OK. (pause) No? Nothing? (back to model) Anyway, the laser is powerful enough to destroy every city on the planet at will. We'll turn the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star". Scott SNICKERS. DR. EVIL What? SCOTT (snickering again) Nothing Darth. DR. EVIL What did you call me? SCOTT Nothing. (pretends to sneeze) Rip-off! DR. EVIL (unsure) Bless you? Anyways, since my "death star" laser was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist, Dr. Parsons. I thought we'd name it in his honor-- the Alan Parsons Project. Scott SNICKERS again. DR. EVIL What now? SCOTT The Alan Parsons Project was a progressive rock band from 1982. Why don't you just name it Operation Wang Chung, ass? DR. EVIL (indicating laser) When you get your own evil empire, you can call it whatever you want. Gentlemen, allow me to demonstrate the awesome lethality of the Alan Parsons Project. Fire the laser! INSERT SHOT: A giant laser beam smashes down through the roof of the White House, causing it to explode. Everyone is shocked by the laser's power. NUMBER TWO My God, Dr. Evil, you destroyed the Wihite House with no warning! DR. EVIL Actually, that was just footage from the 1996 blockbuster motion Picture Independence Day, but it would be a lot like that. What do you think, Scott? SCOTT Yeah, Codename: Thompson Twins was really impressive. DR. EVIL Shhhh! SCOTT I'm nineteen, I don't- DR. EVIL Shh! Shh-Shh. Shh-Shhhhhh-Shh. Shh- shh! It's Morse code. (reading imaginary paper) Let me decipher... it says 'shhhhh!' SCOTT You are so lame- DR. EVIL (like Electric Company) Ssssss...huuuuuh...Shhhhh! NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, what are we going to do about Powers? DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, in addition to being extremely rotund, you're a vicious killer. Take care of it. FAT BASTARD It'll be my pleasure. DR. EVIL It's an easy job. Without his mojo, Powers will be...powerless? INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT A party, packed with dancing freaks of every stripe, is in full swing. A girl dances in an oversized birdcage. AUSTIN This shag-in is gonna blow your mind, baby, yeah! The party sequence is shot like Laugh-In. Very fast cuts to the music. Austin sees a VERY PREGNANT WOMAN drinking a martini and smoking. He gently lifts her drink and cigarette away from her. PREGNANT WOMAN Hey! AUSTIN You'll thank me later, baby. Another angle. Austin and Felicity dancing. AUSTIN (noticing someone) Hey! Ricardo Monteblan, how are you? We see RICARDO MONTEBLAN -smoking a hukka on a round chair. RICARDO Hello, Austin! Balls, said the queen and the king laughed because he had too. AUSTIN (to camera) Crazy, man! FELICITY Let's split up and scope the scene. AUSTIN Don't do anything I wouldn't do- at least not without me. Felicity slaps Austin on the butt as he walks off. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: Austin at the bar with an exotic-looking mod chick. AUSTIN (to chick) You're very exotic, baby. Do you have a little English in you? CHICK No. AUSTIN Would you like to? CUT TO: An Alan Zeus-type very gay guy. ALAN ZEUS GUY (rolling his eyes) This is ridiculous! CUT TO: A LONDON COP and Felicity are on hanging chairs. LONDON COP Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz? FELICITY No, but I bet it really hurts. CUT TO: A GUY IN A RAINCOAT on a tricycle, shot undercranked, rides through the party and falls over. CUT TO: Austin pops into frame with a book that says "AUSTIN POWERS SEXY DICTIONARY". AUSTIN The Austin Powers Sexy Dictionary defines an Eskimo hooker as a frosty prosty. CUT TO: An eskimo at the bar in a fur parka. ESKIMO (to camera) I don't get it. CUT TO: The camera pans up Felicity's cool hip-huggers, which are very tight. AUSTIN Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants, baby? FELICITY Well you can start by buying me a drink. Austin does a spit take. CUT TO: Felicity with a VIKING. VIKING You were great last night. By the way, I'm Thor. FELICITY You're Thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly thit. CUT TO: Austin is wearing a silly spiked German helmet like in Hogan's Heroes. AUSTIN (German accent) Hello, I am Baron Von Firstinbed. Last night I had German-Chinese food. An hour later I was hungry- for power. CUT TO: ZEUS GUY Oh puh-leez, why don't you take a handful of F-off pills? CUT TO: AUSTIN Did you hear about the contortionist who was engaged to be married? FELICITY Yeah, I heard she broke it off. CUT TO: Film running backwards of Austin doing a spit take. CUT TO: ARTIE JOHNSON in German helmet behind a plant. ARTIE JOHNSON Verrrrry interesting- but shtupid! CUT TO: Austin takes his glasses off to clean them. We see his POV, which is totally fuzzy. He looks over and sees what appears to be a NUDE GIRL- two round globes and dark triangle. Austin puts his glasses on and looks again. It is actually a girl in a flesh-colored dress. In between her and Austin were two COMPLETELY BALD MEN and a triangular martini glass filled with a Cosmopolitan. CUT TO: Cut to Austin and Felicity together again. FELICITY Look at that. She points to where Fat Bastard and his companion are standing. AUSTIN That's not a pretty sight. Who is he? FELICITY Until recently he worked security for the MOD, but we think he might be a double agent, possibly for Dr. Evil. AUSTIN How do you know? FELICITY We've noticed that his lifestyle has changed dramatically. He's made a lot of cash purchases, he's hanging out with foxes half his age, and he's becomes quite a fixture on the London party circuit. AUSTIN Who's the girl? FELICITY I don't know, but it looks like he's splitting. Fat Bastard exits. FELICITY I'll follow him. You see what you can get out of the girl. We'll rendezvous later. Felicity follows Fat Bastard out the door. Austin makes his way over to the girl. AUSTIN Hello, hello. GIRL Hello, Mr. Powers. Fab party. AUSTIN Who are you today, baby? GIRL Robin. Robin Swallows. AUSTIN Swallows? That's an interesting name. Are you English? ROBIN SWALLOWS German, actually. My maiden name is Spitz. AUSTIN Well which is it, baby, Spitz or Swallows? Either way, it's a pleasure. ROBIN SWALLOWS The pleasure is mine. She extends her hand. Austin takes it and shakes. As he shakes, her cleavage undulates like jello. Austin is transfixed and keeps shaking far too long. AUSTIN Charmed, I'm sure. (still shaking, her breasts jiggle) How do you do? (still shaking, jiggling) Yes, quite. (shakes, jiggles) I always enjoy meeting new people. (shakes, jiggles) How's your mum? Good. (shakes, jiggles) I love shaking hands. Austin. is shaking her hand so vigorously that she is in danger of popping out of her dress. AUSTIN (snapping out of it) So, who was your friend? ROBIN SWALLOWS His name is Fat Bastard. AUSTIN It suits him. ROBIN SWALLOWS He's my lover. Austin is grossed out. AUSTIN OK. Would you happen to know if he's in business with a man named Mr. Evil? ROBIN SWALLOWS I don't know anyone named Dr. Evil. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Evil. Austin does a smug take. AUSTIN Something to drink? Would you like a Mister Pepper? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes, I'd love a Doctor Pepper. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Pepper. Austin does another smug take. Robin grabs Austin and pulls him close. ROBIN SWALLOWS You're a groovy boy, I'd like to strap you on sometime. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: ALAN ZEUS-TYPE GUY IN LIMBO ALAN ZEUS TYPE Meanwhile... BACK TO: EXT. FISH AND CHIPS STAND - NIGHT Literally a window in a wall. Fat Bastard is placing his order. FAT BASTARD ...and I'll have a fried-prawn sandwich, with extra mayonnaise, two whole chickens, a kidney pie, a toad in the hole, bubble and squeak, bangers and mash, 3 orders of fish and chips, and... a Fresca. No ice. We pan to see Felicity beside him. FELICITY I love a man with a large appetite. FAT BASTARD And I love a woman with big (bleeps), so let's shut up and get to (bleep)ing. Felicity swallows hard and forces a smile. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT AUSTIN Can I ask you a question? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes. AUSTIN Thank you. Beat. ROBIN SWALLOWS Well, what's the question? AUSTIN Oh, yes. Would you like to shag? Would you? ROBIN SWALLOWS I'd love to, Mr. Powers, just come right... over... here. Robin moves Austin into place as they dance. AUSTIN You're a bit of alright. Just then, Austin looks into her eyes and sees the REFLECTION OF AN ASSASSIN (Oedipus) about to throw a knife. Just as he throws it, Austin spins Robin Swallows around and USES HER AS A SHIELD. She takes the knife squarely in the back. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the revolver. Oedipus pulls out a pistol and begins FIRING. Austin continues to use Robin AS A SHIELD. She takes six hits. Oedipus runs out of bullets. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the machine gun. Oedipus pulls out a machine gun and FIRES. In a Robert Rodriquez- like flurry of events, Austin dodges while still USING HER AS

yet

How many times the word 'yet' appears in the text?

BASIL EXPOSITION Agent Haggerty was the test, Austin. Not only were you actually reading an article in that Playboy, but a candy-stripe nurse offering to give you a sponge bath didn't so much as turn your head. AUSTIN Wait, I can explain, man! I was going to shag her but the article was so fascinating-- BASIL EXPOSITION I'm sorry, Austin, I'm afraid it's true: you've lost your mojo. Basil shows Austin the mojometer, which reads EMPTY. AUSTIN (crushed) Without my mojo, I'm useless to the Ministry and to Her Majesty. I think it's time to retire. BASIL EXPOSITION I'm afraid that's not possible, Austin. You see, Dr. Evil has returned. AUSTIN Again? BASIL EXPOSITION Again. INT. MOD - TIME-TRAVEL ROOM Austin and Basil ride on the back of a golf cart through the largest room you've ever seen in your life. BASIL EXPOSITION We have evidence that Dr. Evil has developed a time machine. Basil shows Austin altered photos of Dr. Evil with famous villains, such as Sadam, Nixon, and Donald Trump. BASIL EXPOSITION Our researcher noticed that these photos from the archives have changed. That means Dr. Evil is traveling back in time and creating alliances with each decade's most despised villains. Austin tries to read them and gets queasy. AUSTIN I can't read in the car. I get a bit vomy. Austin burps and swallows it. AUSTIN Got it. I almost gipped. BASIL EXPOSITION (V.O.) Our data indicates that Dr. Evil is in the year 1969. Luckily, we also have a time travel device. After years of research we've developed a machine that will transport you back to the Sixties. A bright overhead light comes on spotlighting a brand new VOLKSWAGEN BEETLE CONVERTIBLE, painted up psychedelic by Peter Max. AUSTIN But Basil, isn't that the new Volkswagen Beetle? BASIL EXPOSITION That's what they'd like you to believe. AUSTIN So, Basil, if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967, I could go look at my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the 90's and traveled back to the Sixties? (goes cross-eyed) Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed. BASIL EXPOSITION (to camera) I suggest you don't worry about those things and just enjoy yourself. Austin gets into the car and turns it on. AUSTIN This is smashing Basil. I'll go back to the Sixties, recharge my mojo, defeat Dr. Evil and be back in time for tea. BASIL EXPOSITION Good luck, Austin. AUSTIN Luck has nothing to do with it, Basil. Austin steps on the gas. The car lurches in reverse and smashes some equipment. AUSTIN Sorry. (changing gears) Swinging Sixties, here I come, baby, yeah! The car takes off, heading for the wall. It DISAPPEARS, leaving flaming tread marks. FLASH CUT TO: EXT. STREET - LONDON - The Beetle time machine appears out of nowhere and screeches to a stop. A London HIPPIE smoking a hukka watches. He throws the hukka down. Austin hops out. AUSTIN I feel better already, man! Austin smiles and we see that his teeth are back to being TERRIBLE. He walks off as a crowd gathers around the car. EXT. PARK - LONDON Austin enters the park in high spirits. We PULL BACK to see that Austin is being watched through binoculars by a big ARYAN ASSASSIN. PULL BACK FURTHER to reveal a beautiful MYSTERIOUS WOMAN watching both of them. From this distance we can't tell who she is. A sign reads "BE-IN FOR PEACE". HIPPIES, MODS, and FREAKS of all descriptions dance to the music of a PSYCHEDELIC BAND. The band's name is on the drum kit: "MING TEA." AUSTIN Alright, baby, a swinging shin-dig! Austin gets into the dancing, quickly becoming the center of the scene. The lead singer of the band invites him on stage and hands him the microphone as the band starts a new song: "SEXUAL REVOLUTION." Austin begins singing and a choreographed musical number begins involving the outdoor crowd a la Bob Fosse's Sweet Charity or Hair. AUSTIN (singing) 'THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION, YOU CAN FEEL IT IN THE AIR. PEOPLE SHAGGING JUST LIKE WEASELS AND THEY JUST DON'T SEEM TO CARE. Hip-thrusting young MOD FREAKS Fosse-hump rhythmically. AUSTIN (singing) HEY, WATCH OUT SQUARES... YOU MAKES US BORED! THE PENIS IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD Austin does various groovy dance moves like THE ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOT and THE HEAVYWEIGHT. AUSTIN (singing) THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION AND YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET PEOPLE SHAGGING IN THE CLUBS AND INSIDE A JUMBO JET Forty Austins appear in a KALEIDOSCOPE EFFECT. AUSTIN (singing) HEY SQUARE WORLD THE END IS NIGH. WHEN WE SAY HUMP YOU SAY 'HOW HIGH?' Three GROOVY CHICKS behind Austin suddenly have tambourines for the big finale. The assassin and the mysterious woman are both in the audience, keeping an eye on Austin. All we see of the woman are shots of her BOOTS, CLOTHES, and a FEMALE SYMBOL MEDALLION. AUSTIN (singing) SO GO MAKE LOVE OR MASTURBATE-- SEXUAL FREEDOM WILL NEVER BE OUT OF DAAAAAAAAAAATE! Austin holds the note an improbably long time, arms outstretched. The dancers crouch-walk towards the camera. EVERYONE (chanting) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (shouting) IT'S THE SIXTIES! The SONG ENDS and all the dancers end up on one knee with their arms outstretched, panting. Austin breathes heavily and smiles smugly like Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance. We are TIGHT ON Austin's ass. PULL BACK to see that it is the MYSTERIOUS WOMAN who is watching Austin's ass. She SMILES behind the binoculars hiding her face. 37 EXT. CARNABY ST. Austin walks down the street looking at his new BEATLES ALBUM. Sitting in a parked Citroen watching him is the ASSASSIN. The Aryan assassin nods to a SHOE-SHINE on the street. The shoe-shine boy nods to a BUSINESS MAN in a Homburg. The business man nods to a BOBBY. The bobby nods to a WOMAN WITH A BABY CARRIAGE. The woman with a baby carriage nods to a MIME. The mime nods to a BLIND BEGGAR with a tin cup. The blind beggar nods to a CARPENTER on a roof. The carpenter FLASHES A LIGHT to an INDIAN CHIEF. The Indian Chief gives a SMOKE SIGNAL to a TELEGRAPH OPERATOR. The telegraph operator sends a signal to the BEEFEATER GUARD. The Beefeater salutes with his pike to a SEXY TICKET COLLECTOR on a double-decker bus. The sexy ticket collector signals a TAXI DRIVER. The taxi driver nods back to the assassin as he drives by. INT. CITROEN The assassin gets the signal and starts the car. The whole nodding sequence was a circular waste of time. EXT. STREET - VARIOUS ANGLES Austin walks along. Suddenly, he sees the Citroen coming at him. He dives out of the way and takes off running. He rounds a corner and pretends to be a COUPLE MAKING OUT against a wall by hugging himself. The assassin sees him and slams on the brakes. He raises his gun. Austin turns as he hears a car HONK. It's Austin's BEETLE CONVERTIBLE. The mysterious woman steps out. We see her in her entirety for the first time, and what a sight it is. She has long auburn hair and wears a tight racing suit, unzipped just enough to show the female symbol medallion. She is FELICITY SHAGWELL. MUSIC: FELICITY'S THEME FELICITY Care for a ride? AUSTIN That's my Beetle, baby. FELICITY It was your Beetle. Get in. Austin dives in as the assassin FIRES. The car speeds off. INT. BEETLE (REAR PROJECTION) Felicity drives expertly. FELICITY Austin Powers, I presume? AUSTIN Powers by name, Powers by reputation. FELICITY Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Shagwell by name, Shag-very-Well by reputation. AUSTIN (turning to camera) Crazy, baby! EXT. ROAD The Beetle zips along, and then-- the Citroen appears behind it. The assassin FIRES. INT. BEETLE Felicity turns around to look. FELICITY Grab the wheel, would you? Austin grabs the wheel and Felicity pulls a gun. She turns and FIRES out the window. EXT. ROAD The assassin's tire BLOWS. The car skids towards a Cliff and he jumps out as it goes over. EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN The car goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it EXPLODES. EXT. CLIFF The assassin hangs on to a branch with one hand. He falls. ASSASSIN Ahhhhhhhh! EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN Same shot as the car: The assassin's body goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it, too, EXPLODES. FELICITY Well, Austin, I think this time you may have met your match. AUSTIN Oh, I've beaten Dr. Evil before, and I'll beat him again. FELICITY I was talking about me. She smiles, turns, and walks away. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD The room is dark, with only a single spotlight providing illumination. Suddenly, Austin and Felicity rise on an elevator into the middle of the spotlight. AUSTIN Welcome to my shag pad, baby. Light floods the pad, revealing hanging basket chairs, Hi- fi, and Warhol silk screens of Austin. Austin blows DUST off a table. AUSTIN Care for something to drink? Austin hits a button and a bookcase revolves to reveal a wetbar. AUSTIN Or perhaps something to read? Austin walks seductively over to the real wetbar and hits a button. It revolves to reveal a bookcase. AUSTIN How about a hot cup of coffee? FELICITY Yes, I rather fancy a grind. AUSTIN Oh, Behave! Austin hits a button and an automatic coffee-pourer pours a cup. MUSIC: Girl from Impenema by JOBIM AUSTIN Would you like a... mas-sage? A sensssual mas-sage? Austin hits a button and a series of actions take place: the floor opens up to reveal a sunken bed; red gels slide into place over the lamps; a painting slides back to reveal a reel-to-reel; an end table revolves to reveal a selection of massage oils. Felicity lies on her stomach. Austin begins to massage her. AUSTIN How does that feel, baby? FELICITY Mmm, lower. AUSTIN (lowering his voice) HOW DOES THAT FEEL, BABY? They laugh. Austin continues to massage her. FELICITY Wait, something's itching me. She reaches behind her and unties the strap of her evening dress, revealing her naked back. FELICITY That's better. AUSTIN Crikey!!! Austin GULPS and accidentally spurts way too much oil on her. AUSTIN Sorry. Austin continues the back rub and Felicity stretches out on the bed. AUSTIN (talking to his crotch) Hello, anyone home? C'mon lads, do it for England. Austin takes a peak-- nothing. He is panicked. FELICITY Oh, that was so relaxing. Felicity stretches very sexily. AUSTIN Would you 'like to see my etchings? FELICITY (sexy) I think I'm ready for bed. She moves close to Austin. He slides to the other side of the bed. AUSTIN I'll get you some PJs. FELICITY No, I'm ready for bed. She moves over to him. He avoids her. AUSTIN Oh, you'll want to clean your teeth then. Austin holds up toothpaste and toothbrush. Felicity finally grabs him and pins him to the bed. FELICITY No, I want to have sex with you, Austin. AUSTIN Hello Vicar! FELICITY I've studied everything about you- your methods, your accomplishments, your preferences. You're the reason I became a spy. Now, I've waited two years to meet you, so I say we get busy making up for lost time. Austin sits up. AUSTIN (reflective) Felicity, I used to think that way, too, but I guess... I guess I've changed. Not to make a short story long, or to ramble on and on, or to keep talking in a repetitive manner ad infinitum until it becomes impossible to remember what I was talking about in the first place, but- where was I? MUSIC: SAD INSTRUMENTAL AUSTIN Oh yes. Felicity, I can't shag you. I've lost my mojo. FELICITY (obviously disappointed) Oh. AUSTIN I thought coming back to the Sixties would bring it back, but it hasn't. FELICITY Austin, don't worry. I know just the man to help you. He's my guru. Ringo recommended him and he's the best. AUSTIN I'll warm up the Jumbo Jet, baby! EXT. AUSTIN'S PSYCHEDELIC JUMBO JET Austin's plane in flight. EXT. INDIA - STOCK FOOTAGE EXT./INT. BEETLE Austin and Felicity drive against obvious rear screen projection of India. INT. ASHRAM It looks like a mosque, with incense, tapestries, and DISCIPLES. Austin and Felicity enter. MUSIC: SITAR FELICITY There he is. That's my guru. We see the GURU PITKA (played by Mike), an Indian man in a bright red sari. FELICITY Guru, I'd like you to meet Austin Powers. AUSTIN How are you baby? GURU PITKA My chakras are aligned and I am in a perfect state of equipoise. AUSTIN Good on ya. I don't know what that means but it sounds fab. FELICITY Guru, we need some advice. GURU PITKA Hold your horses and any other beasts- of burden. I must lead my disciples in meditation and then I will help you. The Guru walks to the front of the room and the disciples sink to their knees. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA My name is the Guru Pitka. I am a spiritual teacher and I have combined many disparate disciplines into a unified movement of human potentiality and equipoise that I learned from my guru, the late Guru Shastri, a chaste man who died mysteriously of a disease that strangely had all the hallmarks of syphilis. He would say to me, Sparky, love is all, life is breath. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA Now, perhaps you are wondering where I got the nickname Sparky. Well, when we were young we used to play a game called "Stinkmop". We would urinate into a bucket, dip a mop into it, and play tag. I did not care for "Stinkmop" and a very wise old man said to me 'oh lighten up, Sparky', and I don't know, the name kind of stuck. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhhh... GURU PITKA Now, the reason I am a spiritualist instead of a therapist is that 'therapist' often becomes 'the rapist' and that will not help us attain potentiality. Now what is potentiality? It is the ability to achieve those goals that we wish to achieve for ourselves. People often say to me that they feel "nowhere", and I am going to change that to "Now here." The guru holds up a card which says "NOWHERE = NOW HERE!" DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh... GURU PITKA And you have many assumptions about your goals, but when you "assume" You make an "ass" out of "u" and "me". Guru holds up a card which says "ASSUME = ASS - U - ME." DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh.... GURU PITKA The being, or that which we call 'ourselves', is not the tinker. It is not the taughts. It is the Gap between the tinker and the taughts! We are not our mind, we are not our body, we are the Gap! Guru holds up a card that says "NOT TINKER, NOT TAUGHTS, BUT THE GAP" with the familiar Gap font. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA (rapid fire) The heart of the matter is that you are the heart of the matter. There is no "I" in "team". Beer before liquor, never sicker. Don't take a wooden nickel. If your pipe is short and your pump is weak, you better stand close or you'll piss on your feet. He who goes to bed with itchy bum wakes up with smelly finger. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA Finally, the path to spiritual awakening requires the death of ego. Leggo of my ego! Let us end with the mantra: Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. DISCIPLES (chanting) Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. The Guru takes a swig of Yoo-Hoo. GURU PITKA Go with God, and pay at the door please. The disciples file out. Austin and Felicity approach. GURU PITKA How can I help you? AUSTIN Guru, I'm having trouble performing. GURU PITKA What do you mean? AUSTIN You know- my bits and pieces are a bit sleepy. GURU PITKA I'm not understanding. AUSTIN I've forgotten the steps to the Mummy- Daddy dance. GURU PITKA Still not clear. AUSTIN My flag's at half mast and no one will salute it. GURU PITKA Sorry? AUSTIN My Willie don't work. GURU PITKA Why are you beating around the bush? AUSTIN That's my problem. GURU PITKA Ohhhhh, I get it. (beat) No, I don't get it. FELICITY He's impotent! AUSTIN Alright, easy. (to Guru) Felicity and I were all set for some hump Olympics and I couldn't bat for six. GURU PITKA Oh, yes, I see. AUSTIN You have no idea what I'm saying, do you? GURU PITKA Not a word. AUSTIN Guru, I've lost my mojo. GURU PITKA Oh, mojo! You should have said so. Well, you've lost your mojo because your chakras are misaligned. You have lost love. AUSTIN Lost love? Oh, you mean Vanessa? FELICITY Who's Vanessa? AUSTIN She was an evil robot minion of Dr. Evil. I couldn't have loved her. GURU PITKA Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, buddy. You will only get your mojo back when you surround yourself with love. AUSTIN Oh, I get what you're saying now! He's talking about free love, baby! Tune in, turn on, and drop out! GURU PITKA I am talking about true love. You must stay and study until you are worthy. AUSTIN No way, man. The only way to surround yourself with love is to throw a swinging shin-dig! Yeah, baby, yeah! INT. DR.EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR Dr. Evil and Frau are interrupted by the man we now know as FAT BASTARD. He is foul-mouthed, and when he swears he is bleeped. DR. EVIL Well done, Fat Bastard. May I have the mojo? FAT BASTARD First things first, where's your shitter? I've gotta bleepin, turtle head pokin' out. DR. EVIL (disgusted) Right. Charming. Fat Bastard- you don't mind me calling you Fat Bastard do you? FAT BASTARD I've got a lot of demons kickin' around in my noggin, but weight issues ain't one of them. DR. EVIL Alright, Fatty- FAT BASTARD The name is Fat Bastard! I'm the incorrect weight for my height and I was born out of wedlock, hence the moniker Fat Bastard. Hey, I'm not kiddin'. I've got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey. DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, the mojo? FAT BASTARD Where's my (bleeping) money? DR. EVIL A gentlemen never discusses money. FAT BASTARD Fine, you can take your (bleep)in' money and shove it up your (bleep), you stupid (bleeping) prick! While you're at it you can suck my greasy, two-toned (bleep)! DR. EVIL (pause) Vulgarity is no substitute for wit. FAT BASTARD (Bleep) you! DR. EVIL Right. Bring in the money. Dr. Evil PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIERS drive in a forklift loaded with gold bars. FAT BASTARD Alright, here it is. Fat Bastard slowly draws out the high-tech syringe full of MOJO. Dr. Evil is mesmerized. DR. EVIL Mini-Me, fetch. Mini-Me runs and snatches the mojo from Fat Bastard and gives it to Dr. Evil, who caresses it and places it on a SPECIALLY PREPARED PEDESTAL. NUMBER TWO enters. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I have some bad news. Austin Powers is back in the Sixties. One of our best assassins spotted him but he got away. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous, we have his mojo. NUMBER TWO There is another. Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Suddenly, Scott Evil enters through TIME PORTAL. DR. EVIL Scott, what are you doing here? SCOTT I don't know, I was sitting around watching the tube and The Courtship of Eddie's Father came on Nick at Nite, you know, and I was just listening to that theme song-- (hums/sings the theme) Anyway it made me think that maybe we could try and work things out. You know, you are my Dad and I need you. DR. EVIL You had your chance, Scott. I already have someone created in my image. He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins. (looking around) Has anyone seen Mini-Me? (calling out) Mini-Me! Mini-Mouse? Mini-Driver? Hello! Mini Pearl? Can we put a frickin' bell on him or something? Scott, very hurt, sits back in his chair and sulks. Dr. Evil hits a button and a model moon and a model earth descend. DR. EVIL Gentlemen, phase three. We place a giant laser on the moon. Let me demonstrate. (beat) Where's my laser? Dr. Evil looks around and sees Mini-Me gnawing on the model laser. Dr. Evil takes it from his mouth DR. EVIL Mini-Me, don't chew my laser. (to room) Not feeling well. He has an ear infection, but tit's OK. (pause) No? Nothing? (back to model) Anyway, the laser is powerful enough to destroy every city on the planet at will. We'll turn the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star". Scott SNICKERS. DR. EVIL What? SCOTT (snickering again) Nothing Darth. DR. EVIL What did you call me? SCOTT Nothing. (pretends to sneeze) Rip-off! DR. EVIL (unsure) Bless you? Anyways, since my "death star" laser was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist, Dr. Parsons. I thought we'd name it in his honor-- the Alan Parsons Project. Scott SNICKERS again. DR. EVIL What now? SCOTT The Alan Parsons Project was a progressive rock band from 1982. Why don't you just name it Operation Wang Chung, ass? DR. EVIL (indicating laser) When you get your own evil empire, you can call it whatever you want. Gentlemen, allow me to demonstrate the awesome lethality of the Alan Parsons Project. Fire the laser! INSERT SHOT: A giant laser beam smashes down through the roof of the White House, causing it to explode. Everyone is shocked by the laser's power. NUMBER TWO My God, Dr. Evil, you destroyed the Wihite House with no warning! DR. EVIL Actually, that was just footage from the 1996 blockbuster motion Picture Independence Day, but it would be a lot like that. What do you think, Scott? SCOTT Yeah, Codename: Thompson Twins was really impressive. DR. EVIL Shhhh! SCOTT I'm nineteen, I don't- DR. EVIL Shh! Shh-Shh. Shh-Shhhhhh-Shh. Shh- shh! It's Morse code. (reading imaginary paper) Let me decipher... it says 'shhhhh!' SCOTT You are so lame- DR. EVIL (like Electric Company) Ssssss...huuuuuh...Shhhhh! NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, what are we going to do about Powers? DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, in addition to being extremely rotund, you're a vicious killer. Take care of it. FAT BASTARD It'll be my pleasure. DR. EVIL It's an easy job. Without his mojo, Powers will be...powerless? INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT A party, packed with dancing freaks of every stripe, is in full swing. A girl dances in an oversized birdcage. AUSTIN This shag-in is gonna blow your mind, baby, yeah! The party sequence is shot like Laugh-In. Very fast cuts to the music. Austin sees a VERY PREGNANT WOMAN drinking a martini and smoking. He gently lifts her drink and cigarette away from her. PREGNANT WOMAN Hey! AUSTIN You'll thank me later, baby. Another angle. Austin and Felicity dancing. AUSTIN (noticing someone) Hey! Ricardo Monteblan, how are you? We see RICARDO MONTEBLAN -smoking a hukka on a round chair. RICARDO Hello, Austin! Balls, said the queen and the king laughed because he had too. AUSTIN (to camera) Crazy, man! FELICITY Let's split up and scope the scene. AUSTIN Don't do anything I wouldn't do- at least not without me. Felicity slaps Austin on the butt as he walks off. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: Austin at the bar with an exotic-looking mod chick. AUSTIN (to chick) You're very exotic, baby. Do you have a little English in you? CHICK No. AUSTIN Would you like to? CUT TO: An Alan Zeus-type very gay guy. ALAN ZEUS GUY (rolling his eyes) This is ridiculous! CUT TO: A LONDON COP and Felicity are on hanging chairs. LONDON COP Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz? FELICITY No, but I bet it really hurts. CUT TO: A GUY IN A RAINCOAT on a tricycle, shot undercranked, rides through the party and falls over. CUT TO: Austin pops into frame with a book that says "AUSTIN POWERS SEXY DICTIONARY". AUSTIN The Austin Powers Sexy Dictionary defines an Eskimo hooker as a frosty prosty. CUT TO: An eskimo at the bar in a fur parka. ESKIMO (to camera) I don't get it. CUT TO: The camera pans up Felicity's cool hip-huggers, which are very tight. AUSTIN Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants, baby? FELICITY Well you can start by buying me a drink. Austin does a spit take. CUT TO: Felicity with a VIKING. VIKING You were great last night. By the way, I'm Thor. FELICITY You're Thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly thit. CUT TO: Austin is wearing a silly spiked German helmet like in Hogan's Heroes. AUSTIN (German accent) Hello, I am Baron Von Firstinbed. Last night I had German-Chinese food. An hour later I was hungry- for power. CUT TO: ZEUS GUY Oh puh-leez, why don't you take a handful of F-off pills? CUT TO: AUSTIN Did you hear about the contortionist who was engaged to be married? FELICITY Yeah, I heard she broke it off. CUT TO: Film running backwards of Austin doing a spit take. CUT TO: ARTIE JOHNSON in German helmet behind a plant. ARTIE JOHNSON Verrrrry interesting- but shtupid! CUT TO: Austin takes his glasses off to clean them. We see his POV, which is totally fuzzy. He looks over and sees what appears to be a NUDE GIRL- two round globes and dark triangle. Austin puts his glasses on and looks again. It is actually a girl in a flesh-colored dress. In between her and Austin were two COMPLETELY BALD MEN and a triangular martini glass filled with a Cosmopolitan. CUT TO: Cut to Austin and Felicity together again. FELICITY Look at that. She points to where Fat Bastard and his companion are standing. AUSTIN That's not a pretty sight. Who is he? FELICITY Until recently he worked security for the MOD, but we think he might be a double agent, possibly for Dr. Evil. AUSTIN How do you know? FELICITY We've noticed that his lifestyle has changed dramatically. He's made a lot of cash purchases, he's hanging out with foxes half his age, and he's becomes quite a fixture on the London party circuit. AUSTIN Who's the girl? FELICITY I don't know, but it looks like he's splitting. Fat Bastard exits. FELICITY I'll follow him. You see what you can get out of the girl. We'll rendezvous later. Felicity follows Fat Bastard out the door. Austin makes his way over to the girl. AUSTIN Hello, hello. GIRL Hello, Mr. Powers. Fab party. AUSTIN Who are you today, baby? GIRL Robin. Robin Swallows. AUSTIN Swallows? That's an interesting name. Are you English? ROBIN SWALLOWS German, actually. My maiden name is Spitz. AUSTIN Well which is it, baby, Spitz or Swallows? Either way, it's a pleasure. ROBIN SWALLOWS The pleasure is mine. She extends her hand. Austin takes it and shakes. As he shakes, her cleavage undulates like jello. Austin is transfixed and keeps shaking far too long. AUSTIN Charmed, I'm sure. (still shaking, her breasts jiggle) How do you do? (still shaking, jiggling) Yes, quite. (shakes, jiggles) I always enjoy meeting new people. (shakes, jiggles) How's your mum? Good. (shakes, jiggles) I love shaking hands. Austin. is shaking her hand so vigorously that she is in danger of popping out of her dress. AUSTIN (snapping out of it) So, who was your friend? ROBIN SWALLOWS His name is Fat Bastard. AUSTIN It suits him. ROBIN SWALLOWS He's my lover. Austin is grossed out. AUSTIN OK. Would you happen to know if he's in business with a man named Mr. Evil? ROBIN SWALLOWS I don't know anyone named Dr. Evil. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Evil. Austin does a smug take. AUSTIN Something to drink? Would you like a Mister Pepper? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes, I'd love a Doctor Pepper. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Pepper. Austin does another smug take. Robin grabs Austin and pulls him close. ROBIN SWALLOWS You're a groovy boy, I'd like to strap you on sometime. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: ALAN ZEUS-TYPE GUY IN LIMBO ALAN ZEUS TYPE Meanwhile... BACK TO: EXT. FISH AND CHIPS STAND - NIGHT Literally a window in a wall. Fat Bastard is placing his order. FAT BASTARD ...and I'll have a fried-prawn sandwich, with extra mayonnaise, two whole chickens, a kidney pie, a toad in the hole, bubble and squeak, bangers and mash, 3 orders of fish and chips, and... a Fresca. No ice. We pan to see Felicity beside him. FELICITY I love a man with a large appetite. FAT BASTARD And I love a woman with big (bleeps), so let's shut up and get to (bleep)ing. Felicity swallows hard and forces a smile. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT AUSTIN Can I ask you a question? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes. AUSTIN Thank you. Beat. ROBIN SWALLOWS Well, what's the question? AUSTIN Oh, yes. Would you like to shag? Would you? ROBIN SWALLOWS I'd love to, Mr. Powers, just come right... over... here. Robin moves Austin into place as they dance. AUSTIN You're a bit of alright. Just then, Austin looks into her eyes and sees the REFLECTION OF AN ASSASSIN (Oedipus) about to throw a knife. Just as he throws it, Austin spins Robin Swallows around and USES HER AS A SHIELD. She takes the knife squarely in the back. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the revolver. Oedipus pulls out a pistol and begins FIRING. Austin continues to use Robin AS A SHIELD. She takes six hits. Oedipus runs out of bullets. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the machine gun. Oedipus pulls out a machine gun and FIRES. In a Robert Rodriquez- like flurry of events, Austin dodges while still USING HER AS

salutes

How many times the word 'salutes' appears in the text?

BASIL EXPOSITION Agent Haggerty was the test, Austin. Not only were you actually reading an article in that Playboy, but a candy-stripe nurse offering to give you a sponge bath didn't so much as turn your head. AUSTIN Wait, I can explain, man! I was going to shag her but the article was so fascinating-- BASIL EXPOSITION I'm sorry, Austin, I'm afraid it's true: you've lost your mojo. Basil shows Austin the mojometer, which reads EMPTY. AUSTIN (crushed) Without my mojo, I'm useless to the Ministry and to Her Majesty. I think it's time to retire. BASIL EXPOSITION I'm afraid that's not possible, Austin. You see, Dr. Evil has returned. AUSTIN Again? BASIL EXPOSITION Again. INT. MOD - TIME-TRAVEL ROOM Austin and Basil ride on the back of a golf cart through the largest room you've ever seen in your life. BASIL EXPOSITION We have evidence that Dr. Evil has developed a time machine. Basil shows Austin altered photos of Dr. Evil with famous villains, such as Sadam, Nixon, and Donald Trump. BASIL EXPOSITION Our researcher noticed that these photos from the archives have changed. That means Dr. Evil is traveling back in time and creating alliances with each decade's most despised villains. Austin tries to read them and gets queasy. AUSTIN I can't read in the car. I get a bit vomy. Austin burps and swallows it. AUSTIN Got it. I almost gipped. BASIL EXPOSITION (V.O.) Our data indicates that Dr. Evil is in the year 1969. Luckily, we also have a time travel device. After years of research we've developed a machine that will transport you back to the Sixties. A bright overhead light comes on spotlighting a brand new VOLKSWAGEN BEETLE CONVERTIBLE, painted up psychedelic by Peter Max. AUSTIN But Basil, isn't that the new Volkswagen Beetle? BASIL EXPOSITION That's what they'd like you to believe. AUSTIN So, Basil, if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967, I could go look at my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the 90's and traveled back to the Sixties? (goes cross-eyed) Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed. BASIL EXPOSITION (to camera) I suggest you don't worry about those things and just enjoy yourself. Austin gets into the car and turns it on. AUSTIN This is smashing Basil. I'll go back to the Sixties, recharge my mojo, defeat Dr. Evil and be back in time for tea. BASIL EXPOSITION Good luck, Austin. AUSTIN Luck has nothing to do with it, Basil. Austin steps on the gas. The car lurches in reverse and smashes some equipment. AUSTIN Sorry. (changing gears) Swinging Sixties, here I come, baby, yeah! The car takes off, heading for the wall. It DISAPPEARS, leaving flaming tread marks. FLASH CUT TO: EXT. STREET - LONDON - The Beetle time machine appears out of nowhere and screeches to a stop. A London HIPPIE smoking a hukka watches. He throws the hukka down. Austin hops out. AUSTIN I feel better already, man! Austin smiles and we see that his teeth are back to being TERRIBLE. He walks off as a crowd gathers around the car. EXT. PARK - LONDON Austin enters the park in high spirits. We PULL BACK to see that Austin is being watched through binoculars by a big ARYAN ASSASSIN. PULL BACK FURTHER to reveal a beautiful MYSTERIOUS WOMAN watching both of them. From this distance we can't tell who she is. A sign reads "BE-IN FOR PEACE". HIPPIES, MODS, and FREAKS of all descriptions dance to the music of a PSYCHEDELIC BAND. The band's name is on the drum kit: "MING TEA." AUSTIN Alright, baby, a swinging shin-dig! Austin gets into the dancing, quickly becoming the center of the scene. The lead singer of the band invites him on stage and hands him the microphone as the band starts a new song: "SEXUAL REVOLUTION." Austin begins singing and a choreographed musical number begins involving the outdoor crowd a la Bob Fosse's Sweet Charity or Hair. AUSTIN (singing) 'THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION, YOU CAN FEEL IT IN THE AIR. PEOPLE SHAGGING JUST LIKE WEASELS AND THEY JUST DON'T SEEM TO CARE. Hip-thrusting young MOD FREAKS Fosse-hump rhythmically. AUSTIN (singing) HEY, WATCH OUT SQUARES... YOU MAKES US BORED! THE PENIS IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD Austin does various groovy dance moves like THE ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOT and THE HEAVYWEIGHT. AUSTIN (singing) THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION AND YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET PEOPLE SHAGGING IN THE CLUBS AND INSIDE A JUMBO JET Forty Austins appear in a KALEIDOSCOPE EFFECT. AUSTIN (singing) HEY SQUARE WORLD THE END IS NIGH. WHEN WE SAY HUMP YOU SAY 'HOW HIGH?' Three GROOVY CHICKS behind Austin suddenly have tambourines for the big finale. The assassin and the mysterious woman are both in the audience, keeping an eye on Austin. All we see of the woman are shots of her BOOTS, CLOTHES, and a FEMALE SYMBOL MEDALLION. AUSTIN (singing) SO GO MAKE LOVE OR MASTURBATE-- SEXUAL FREEDOM WILL NEVER BE OUT OF DAAAAAAAAAAATE! Austin holds the note an improbably long time, arms outstretched. The dancers crouch-walk towards the camera. EVERYONE (chanting) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (shouting) IT'S THE SIXTIES! The SONG ENDS and all the dancers end up on one knee with their arms outstretched, panting. Austin breathes heavily and smiles smugly like Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance. We are TIGHT ON Austin's ass. PULL BACK to see that it is the MYSTERIOUS WOMAN who is watching Austin's ass. She SMILES behind the binoculars hiding her face. 37 EXT. CARNABY ST. Austin walks down the street looking at his new BEATLES ALBUM. Sitting in a parked Citroen watching him is the ASSASSIN. The Aryan assassin nods to a SHOE-SHINE on the street. The shoe-shine boy nods to a BUSINESS MAN in a Homburg. The business man nods to a BOBBY. The bobby nods to a WOMAN WITH A BABY CARRIAGE. The woman with a baby carriage nods to a MIME. The mime nods to a BLIND BEGGAR with a tin cup. The blind beggar nods to a CARPENTER on a roof. The carpenter FLASHES A LIGHT to an INDIAN CHIEF. The Indian Chief gives a SMOKE SIGNAL to a TELEGRAPH OPERATOR. The telegraph operator sends a signal to the BEEFEATER GUARD. The Beefeater salutes with his pike to a SEXY TICKET COLLECTOR on a double-decker bus. The sexy ticket collector signals a TAXI DRIVER. The taxi driver nods back to the assassin as he drives by. INT. CITROEN The assassin gets the signal and starts the car. The whole nodding sequence was a circular waste of time. EXT. STREET - VARIOUS ANGLES Austin walks along. Suddenly, he sees the Citroen coming at him. He dives out of the way and takes off running. He rounds a corner and pretends to be a COUPLE MAKING OUT against a wall by hugging himself. The assassin sees him and slams on the brakes. He raises his gun. Austin turns as he hears a car HONK. It's Austin's BEETLE CONVERTIBLE. The mysterious woman steps out. We see her in her entirety for the first time, and what a sight it is. She has long auburn hair and wears a tight racing suit, unzipped just enough to show the female symbol medallion. She is FELICITY SHAGWELL. MUSIC: FELICITY'S THEME FELICITY Care for a ride? AUSTIN That's my Beetle, baby. FELICITY It was your Beetle. Get in. Austin dives in as the assassin FIRES. The car speeds off. INT. BEETLE (REAR PROJECTION) Felicity drives expertly. FELICITY Austin Powers, I presume? AUSTIN Powers by name, Powers by reputation. FELICITY Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Shagwell by name, Shag-very-Well by reputation. AUSTIN (turning to camera) Crazy, baby! EXT. ROAD The Beetle zips along, and then-- the Citroen appears behind it. The assassin FIRES. INT. BEETLE Felicity turns around to look. FELICITY Grab the wheel, would you? Austin grabs the wheel and Felicity pulls a gun. She turns and FIRES out the window. EXT. ROAD The assassin's tire BLOWS. The car skids towards a Cliff and he jumps out as it goes over. EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN The car goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it EXPLODES. EXT. CLIFF The assassin hangs on to a branch with one hand. He falls. ASSASSIN Ahhhhhhhh! EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN Same shot as the car: The assassin's body goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it, too, EXPLODES. FELICITY Well, Austin, I think this time you may have met your match. AUSTIN Oh, I've beaten Dr. Evil before, and I'll beat him again. FELICITY I was talking about me. She smiles, turns, and walks away. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD The room is dark, with only a single spotlight providing illumination. Suddenly, Austin and Felicity rise on an elevator into the middle of the spotlight. AUSTIN Welcome to my shag pad, baby. Light floods the pad, revealing hanging basket chairs, Hi- fi, and Warhol silk screens of Austin. Austin blows DUST off a table. AUSTIN Care for something to drink? Austin hits a button and a bookcase revolves to reveal a wetbar. AUSTIN Or perhaps something to read? Austin walks seductively over to the real wetbar and hits a button. It revolves to reveal a bookcase. AUSTIN How about a hot cup of coffee? FELICITY Yes, I rather fancy a grind. AUSTIN Oh, Behave! Austin hits a button and an automatic coffee-pourer pours a cup. MUSIC: Girl from Impenema by JOBIM AUSTIN Would you like a... mas-sage? A sensssual mas-sage? Austin hits a button and a series of actions take place: the floor opens up to reveal a sunken bed; red gels slide into place over the lamps; a painting slides back to reveal a reel-to-reel; an end table revolves to reveal a selection of massage oils. Felicity lies on her stomach. Austin begins to massage her. AUSTIN How does that feel, baby? FELICITY Mmm, lower. AUSTIN (lowering his voice) HOW DOES THAT FEEL, BABY? They laugh. Austin continues to massage her. FELICITY Wait, something's itching me. She reaches behind her and unties the strap of her evening dress, revealing her naked back. FELICITY That's better. AUSTIN Crikey!!! Austin GULPS and accidentally spurts way too much oil on her. AUSTIN Sorry. Austin continues the back rub and Felicity stretches out on the bed. AUSTIN (talking to his crotch) Hello, anyone home? C'mon lads, do it for England. Austin takes a peak-- nothing. He is panicked. FELICITY Oh, that was so relaxing. Felicity stretches very sexily. AUSTIN Would you 'like to see my etchings? FELICITY (sexy) I think I'm ready for bed. She moves close to Austin. He slides to the other side of the bed. AUSTIN I'll get you some PJs. FELICITY No, I'm ready for bed. She moves over to him. He avoids her. AUSTIN Oh, you'll want to clean your teeth then. Austin holds up toothpaste and toothbrush. Felicity finally grabs him and pins him to the bed. FELICITY No, I want to have sex with you, Austin. AUSTIN Hello Vicar! FELICITY I've studied everything about you- your methods, your accomplishments, your preferences. You're the reason I became a spy. Now, I've waited two years to meet you, so I say we get busy making up for lost time. Austin sits up. AUSTIN (reflective) Felicity, I used to think that way, too, but I guess... I guess I've changed. Not to make a short story long, or to ramble on and on, or to keep talking in a repetitive manner ad infinitum until it becomes impossible to remember what I was talking about in the first place, but- where was I? MUSIC: SAD INSTRUMENTAL AUSTIN Oh yes. Felicity, I can't shag you. I've lost my mojo. FELICITY (obviously disappointed) Oh. AUSTIN I thought coming back to the Sixties would bring it back, but it hasn't. FELICITY Austin, don't worry. I know just the man to help you. He's my guru. Ringo recommended him and he's the best. AUSTIN I'll warm up the Jumbo Jet, baby! EXT. AUSTIN'S PSYCHEDELIC JUMBO JET Austin's plane in flight. EXT. INDIA - STOCK FOOTAGE EXT./INT. BEETLE Austin and Felicity drive against obvious rear screen projection of India. INT. ASHRAM It looks like a mosque, with incense, tapestries, and DISCIPLES. Austin and Felicity enter. MUSIC: SITAR FELICITY There he is. That's my guru. We see the GURU PITKA (played by Mike), an Indian man in a bright red sari. FELICITY Guru, I'd like you to meet Austin Powers. AUSTIN How are you baby? GURU PITKA My chakras are aligned and I am in a perfect state of equipoise. AUSTIN Good on ya. I don't know what that means but it sounds fab. FELICITY Guru, we need some advice. GURU PITKA Hold your horses and any other beasts- of burden. I must lead my disciples in meditation and then I will help you. The Guru walks to the front of the room and the disciples sink to their knees. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA My name is the Guru Pitka. I am a spiritual teacher and I have combined many disparate disciplines into a unified movement of human potentiality and equipoise that I learned from my guru, the late Guru Shastri, a chaste man who died mysteriously of a disease that strangely had all the hallmarks of syphilis. He would say to me, Sparky, love is all, life is breath. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA Now, perhaps you are wondering where I got the nickname Sparky. Well, when we were young we used to play a game called "Stinkmop". We would urinate into a bucket, dip a mop into it, and play tag. I did not care for "Stinkmop" and a very wise old man said to me 'oh lighten up, Sparky', and I don't know, the name kind of stuck. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhhh... GURU PITKA Now, the reason I am a spiritualist instead of a therapist is that 'therapist' often becomes 'the rapist' and that will not help us attain potentiality. Now what is potentiality? It is the ability to achieve those goals that we wish to achieve for ourselves. People often say to me that they feel "nowhere", and I am going to change that to "Now here." The guru holds up a card which says "NOWHERE = NOW HERE!" DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh... GURU PITKA And you have many assumptions about your goals, but when you "assume" You make an "ass" out of "u" and "me". Guru holds up a card which says "ASSUME = ASS - U - ME." DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh.... GURU PITKA The being, or that which we call 'ourselves', is not the tinker. It is not the taughts. It is the Gap between the tinker and the taughts! We are not our mind, we are not our body, we are the Gap! Guru holds up a card that says "NOT TINKER, NOT TAUGHTS, BUT THE GAP" with the familiar Gap font. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA (rapid fire) The heart of the matter is that you are the heart of the matter. There is no "I" in "team". Beer before liquor, never sicker. Don't take a wooden nickel. If your pipe is short and your pump is weak, you better stand close or you'll piss on your feet. He who goes to bed with itchy bum wakes up with smelly finger. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA Finally, the path to spiritual awakening requires the death of ego. Leggo of my ego! Let us end with the mantra: Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. DISCIPLES (chanting) Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. The Guru takes a swig of Yoo-Hoo. GURU PITKA Go with God, and pay at the door please. The disciples file out. Austin and Felicity approach. GURU PITKA How can I help you? AUSTIN Guru, I'm having trouble performing. GURU PITKA What do you mean? AUSTIN You know- my bits and pieces are a bit sleepy. GURU PITKA I'm not understanding. AUSTIN I've forgotten the steps to the Mummy- Daddy dance. GURU PITKA Still not clear. AUSTIN My flag's at half mast and no one will salute it. GURU PITKA Sorry? AUSTIN My Willie don't work. GURU PITKA Why are you beating around the bush? AUSTIN That's my problem. GURU PITKA Ohhhhh, I get it. (beat) No, I don't get it. FELICITY He's impotent! AUSTIN Alright, easy. (to Guru) Felicity and I were all set for some hump Olympics and I couldn't bat for six. GURU PITKA Oh, yes, I see. AUSTIN You have no idea what I'm saying, do you? GURU PITKA Not a word. AUSTIN Guru, I've lost my mojo. GURU PITKA Oh, mojo! You should have said so. Well, you've lost your mojo because your chakras are misaligned. You have lost love. AUSTIN Lost love? Oh, you mean Vanessa? FELICITY Who's Vanessa? AUSTIN She was an evil robot minion of Dr. Evil. I couldn't have loved her. GURU PITKA Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, buddy. You will only get your mojo back when you surround yourself with love. AUSTIN Oh, I get what you're saying now! He's talking about free love, baby! Tune in, turn on, and drop out! GURU PITKA I am talking about true love. You must stay and study until you are worthy. AUSTIN No way, man. The only way to surround yourself with love is to throw a swinging shin-dig! Yeah, baby, yeah! INT. DR.EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR Dr. Evil and Frau are interrupted by the man we now know as FAT BASTARD. He is foul-mouthed, and when he swears he is bleeped. DR. EVIL Well done, Fat Bastard. May I have the mojo? FAT BASTARD First things first, where's your shitter? I've gotta bleepin, turtle head pokin' out. DR. EVIL (disgusted) Right. Charming. Fat Bastard- you don't mind me calling you Fat Bastard do you? FAT BASTARD I've got a lot of demons kickin' around in my noggin, but weight issues ain't one of them. DR. EVIL Alright, Fatty- FAT BASTARD The name is Fat Bastard! I'm the incorrect weight for my height and I was born out of wedlock, hence the moniker Fat Bastard. Hey, I'm not kiddin'. I've got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey. DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, the mojo? FAT BASTARD Where's my (bleeping) money? DR. EVIL A gentlemen never discusses money. FAT BASTARD Fine, you can take your (bleep)in' money and shove it up your (bleep), you stupid (bleeping) prick! While you're at it you can suck my greasy, two-toned (bleep)! DR. EVIL (pause) Vulgarity is no substitute for wit. FAT BASTARD (Bleep) you! DR. EVIL Right. Bring in the money. Dr. Evil PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIERS drive in a forklift loaded with gold bars. FAT BASTARD Alright, here it is. Fat Bastard slowly draws out the high-tech syringe full of MOJO. Dr. Evil is mesmerized. DR. EVIL Mini-Me, fetch. Mini-Me runs and snatches the mojo from Fat Bastard and gives it to Dr. Evil, who caresses it and places it on a SPECIALLY PREPARED PEDESTAL. NUMBER TWO enters. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I have some bad news. Austin Powers is back in the Sixties. One of our best assassins spotted him but he got away. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous, we have his mojo. NUMBER TWO There is another. Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Suddenly, Scott Evil enters through TIME PORTAL. DR. EVIL Scott, what are you doing here? SCOTT I don't know, I was sitting around watching the tube and The Courtship of Eddie's Father came on Nick at Nite, you know, and I was just listening to that theme song-- (hums/sings the theme) Anyway it made me think that maybe we could try and work things out. You know, you are my Dad and I need you. DR. EVIL You had your chance, Scott. I already have someone created in my image. He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins. (looking around) Has anyone seen Mini-Me? (calling out) Mini-Me! Mini-Mouse? Mini-Driver? Hello! Mini Pearl? Can we put a frickin' bell on him or something? Scott, very hurt, sits back in his chair and sulks. Dr. Evil hits a button and a model moon and a model earth descend. DR. EVIL Gentlemen, phase three. We place a giant laser on the moon. Let me demonstrate. (beat) Where's my laser? Dr. Evil looks around and sees Mini-Me gnawing on the model laser. Dr. Evil takes it from his mouth DR. EVIL Mini-Me, don't chew my laser. (to room) Not feeling well. He has an ear infection, but tit's OK. (pause) No? Nothing? (back to model) Anyway, the laser is powerful enough to destroy every city on the planet at will. We'll turn the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star". Scott SNICKERS. DR. EVIL What? SCOTT (snickering again) Nothing Darth. DR. EVIL What did you call me? SCOTT Nothing. (pretends to sneeze) Rip-off! DR. EVIL (unsure) Bless you? Anyways, since my "death star" laser was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist, Dr. Parsons. I thought we'd name it in his honor-- the Alan Parsons Project. Scott SNICKERS again. DR. EVIL What now? SCOTT The Alan Parsons Project was a progressive rock band from 1982. Why don't you just name it Operation Wang Chung, ass? DR. EVIL (indicating laser) When you get your own evil empire, you can call it whatever you want. Gentlemen, allow me to demonstrate the awesome lethality of the Alan Parsons Project. Fire the laser! INSERT SHOT: A giant laser beam smashes down through the roof of the White House, causing it to explode. Everyone is shocked by the laser's power. NUMBER TWO My God, Dr. Evil, you destroyed the Wihite House with no warning! DR. EVIL Actually, that was just footage from the 1996 blockbuster motion Picture Independence Day, but it would be a lot like that. What do you think, Scott? SCOTT Yeah, Codename: Thompson Twins was really impressive. DR. EVIL Shhhh! SCOTT I'm nineteen, I don't- DR. EVIL Shh! Shh-Shh. Shh-Shhhhhh-Shh. Shh- shh! It's Morse code. (reading imaginary paper) Let me decipher... it says 'shhhhh!' SCOTT You are so lame- DR. EVIL (like Electric Company) Ssssss...huuuuuh...Shhhhh! NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, what are we going to do about Powers? DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, in addition to being extremely rotund, you're a vicious killer. Take care of it. FAT BASTARD It'll be my pleasure. DR. EVIL It's an easy job. Without his mojo, Powers will be...powerless? INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT A party, packed with dancing freaks of every stripe, is in full swing. A girl dances in an oversized birdcage. AUSTIN This shag-in is gonna blow your mind, baby, yeah! The party sequence is shot like Laugh-In. Very fast cuts to the music. Austin sees a VERY PREGNANT WOMAN drinking a martini and smoking. He gently lifts her drink and cigarette away from her. PREGNANT WOMAN Hey! AUSTIN You'll thank me later, baby. Another angle. Austin and Felicity dancing. AUSTIN (noticing someone) Hey! Ricardo Monteblan, how are you? We see RICARDO MONTEBLAN -smoking a hukka on a round chair. RICARDO Hello, Austin! Balls, said the queen and the king laughed because he had too. AUSTIN (to camera) Crazy, man! FELICITY Let's split up and scope the scene. AUSTIN Don't do anything I wouldn't do- at least not without me. Felicity slaps Austin on the butt as he walks off. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: Austin at the bar with an exotic-looking mod chick. AUSTIN (to chick) You're very exotic, baby. Do you have a little English in you? CHICK No. AUSTIN Would you like to? CUT TO: An Alan Zeus-type very gay guy. ALAN ZEUS GUY (rolling his eyes) This is ridiculous! CUT TO: A LONDON COP and Felicity are on hanging chairs. LONDON COP Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz? FELICITY No, but I bet it really hurts. CUT TO: A GUY IN A RAINCOAT on a tricycle, shot undercranked, rides through the party and falls over. CUT TO: Austin pops into frame with a book that says "AUSTIN POWERS SEXY DICTIONARY". AUSTIN The Austin Powers Sexy Dictionary defines an Eskimo hooker as a frosty prosty. CUT TO: An eskimo at the bar in a fur parka. ESKIMO (to camera) I don't get it. CUT TO: The camera pans up Felicity's cool hip-huggers, which are very tight. AUSTIN Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants, baby? FELICITY Well you can start by buying me a drink. Austin does a spit take. CUT TO: Felicity with a VIKING. VIKING You were great last night. By the way, I'm Thor. FELICITY You're Thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly thit. CUT TO: Austin is wearing a silly spiked German helmet like in Hogan's Heroes. AUSTIN (German accent) Hello, I am Baron Von Firstinbed. Last night I had German-Chinese food. An hour later I was hungry- for power. CUT TO: ZEUS GUY Oh puh-leez, why don't you take a handful of F-off pills? CUT TO: AUSTIN Did you hear about the contortionist who was engaged to be married? FELICITY Yeah, I heard she broke it off. CUT TO: Film running backwards of Austin doing a spit take. CUT TO: ARTIE JOHNSON in German helmet behind a plant. ARTIE JOHNSON Verrrrry interesting- but shtupid! CUT TO: Austin takes his glasses off to clean them. We see his POV, which is totally fuzzy. He looks over and sees what appears to be a NUDE GIRL- two round globes and dark triangle. Austin puts his glasses on and looks again. It is actually a girl in a flesh-colored dress. In between her and Austin were two COMPLETELY BALD MEN and a triangular martini glass filled with a Cosmopolitan. CUT TO: Cut to Austin and Felicity together again. FELICITY Look at that. She points to where Fat Bastard and his companion are standing. AUSTIN That's not a pretty sight. Who is he? FELICITY Until recently he worked security for the MOD, but we think he might be a double agent, possibly for Dr. Evil. AUSTIN How do you know? FELICITY We've noticed that his lifestyle has changed dramatically. He's made a lot of cash purchases, he's hanging out with foxes half his age, and he's becomes quite a fixture on the London party circuit. AUSTIN Who's the girl? FELICITY I don't know, but it looks like he's splitting. Fat Bastard exits. FELICITY I'll follow him. You see what you can get out of the girl. We'll rendezvous later. Felicity follows Fat Bastard out the door. Austin makes his way over to the girl. AUSTIN Hello, hello. GIRL Hello, Mr. Powers. Fab party. AUSTIN Who are you today, baby? GIRL Robin. Robin Swallows. AUSTIN Swallows? That's an interesting name. Are you English? ROBIN SWALLOWS German, actually. My maiden name is Spitz. AUSTIN Well which is it, baby, Spitz or Swallows? Either way, it's a pleasure. ROBIN SWALLOWS The pleasure is mine. She extends her hand. Austin takes it and shakes. As he shakes, her cleavage undulates like jello. Austin is transfixed and keeps shaking far too long. AUSTIN Charmed, I'm sure. (still shaking, her breasts jiggle) How do you do? (still shaking, jiggling) Yes, quite. (shakes, jiggles) I always enjoy meeting new people. (shakes, jiggles) How's your mum? Good. (shakes, jiggles) I love shaking hands. Austin. is shaking her hand so vigorously that she is in danger of popping out of her dress. AUSTIN (snapping out of it) So, who was your friend? ROBIN SWALLOWS His name is Fat Bastard. AUSTIN It suits him. ROBIN SWALLOWS He's my lover. Austin is grossed out. AUSTIN OK. Would you happen to know if he's in business with a man named Mr. Evil? ROBIN SWALLOWS I don't know anyone named Dr. Evil. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Evil. Austin does a smug take. AUSTIN Something to drink? Would you like a Mister Pepper? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes, I'd love a Doctor Pepper. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Pepper. Austin does another smug take. Robin grabs Austin and pulls him close. ROBIN SWALLOWS You're a groovy boy, I'd like to strap you on sometime. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: ALAN ZEUS-TYPE GUY IN LIMBO ALAN ZEUS TYPE Meanwhile... BACK TO: EXT. FISH AND CHIPS STAND - NIGHT Literally a window in a wall. Fat Bastard is placing his order. FAT BASTARD ...and I'll have a fried-prawn sandwich, with extra mayonnaise, two whole chickens, a kidney pie, a toad in the hole, bubble and squeak, bangers and mash, 3 orders of fish and chips, and... a Fresca. No ice. We pan to see Felicity beside him. FELICITY I love a man with a large appetite. FAT BASTARD And I love a woman with big (bleeps), so let's shut up and get to (bleep)ing. Felicity swallows hard and forces a smile. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT AUSTIN Can I ask you a question? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes. AUSTIN Thank you. Beat. ROBIN SWALLOWS Well, what's the question? AUSTIN Oh, yes. Would you like to shag? Would you? ROBIN SWALLOWS I'd love to, Mr. Powers, just come right... over... here. Robin moves Austin into place as they dance. AUSTIN You're a bit of alright. Just then, Austin looks into her eyes and sees the REFLECTION OF AN ASSASSIN (Oedipus) about to throw a knife. Just as he throws it, Austin spins Robin Swallows around and USES HER AS A SHIELD. She takes the knife squarely in the back. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the revolver. Oedipus pulls out a pistol and begins FIRING. Austin continues to use Robin AS A SHIELD. She takes six hits. Oedipus runs out of bullets. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the machine gun. Oedipus pulls out a machine gun and FIRES. In a Robert Rodriquez- like flurry of events, Austin dodges while still USING HER AS

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How many times the word 'selection' appears in the text?

BASIL EXPOSITION Agent Haggerty was the test, Austin. Not only were you actually reading an article in that Playboy, but a candy-stripe nurse offering to give you a sponge bath didn't so much as turn your head. AUSTIN Wait, I can explain, man! I was going to shag her but the article was so fascinating-- BASIL EXPOSITION I'm sorry, Austin, I'm afraid it's true: you've lost your mojo. Basil shows Austin the mojometer, which reads EMPTY. AUSTIN (crushed) Without my mojo, I'm useless to the Ministry and to Her Majesty. I think it's time to retire. BASIL EXPOSITION I'm afraid that's not possible, Austin. You see, Dr. Evil has returned. AUSTIN Again? BASIL EXPOSITION Again. INT. MOD - TIME-TRAVEL ROOM Austin and Basil ride on the back of a golf cart through the largest room you've ever seen in your life. BASIL EXPOSITION We have evidence that Dr. Evil has developed a time machine. Basil shows Austin altered photos of Dr. Evil with famous villains, such as Sadam, Nixon, and Donald Trump. BASIL EXPOSITION Our researcher noticed that these photos from the archives have changed. That means Dr. Evil is traveling back in time and creating alliances with each decade's most despised villains. Austin tries to read them and gets queasy. AUSTIN I can't read in the car. I get a bit vomy. Austin burps and swallows it. AUSTIN Got it. I almost gipped. BASIL EXPOSITION (V.O.) Our data indicates that Dr. Evil is in the year 1969. Luckily, we also have a time travel device. After years of research we've developed a machine that will transport you back to the Sixties. A bright overhead light comes on spotlighting a brand new VOLKSWAGEN BEETLE CONVERTIBLE, painted up psychedelic by Peter Max. AUSTIN But Basil, isn't that the new Volkswagen Beetle? BASIL EXPOSITION That's what they'd like you to believe. AUSTIN So, Basil, if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967, I could go look at my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the 90's and traveled back to the Sixties? (goes cross-eyed) Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed. BASIL EXPOSITION (to camera) I suggest you don't worry about those things and just enjoy yourself. Austin gets into the car and turns it on. AUSTIN This is smashing Basil. I'll go back to the Sixties, recharge my mojo, defeat Dr. Evil and be back in time for tea. BASIL EXPOSITION Good luck, Austin. AUSTIN Luck has nothing to do with it, Basil. Austin steps on the gas. The car lurches in reverse and smashes some equipment. AUSTIN Sorry. (changing gears) Swinging Sixties, here I come, baby, yeah! The car takes off, heading for the wall. It DISAPPEARS, leaving flaming tread marks. FLASH CUT TO: EXT. STREET - LONDON - The Beetle time machine appears out of nowhere and screeches to a stop. A London HIPPIE smoking a hukka watches. He throws the hukka down. Austin hops out. AUSTIN I feel better already, man! Austin smiles and we see that his teeth are back to being TERRIBLE. He walks off as a crowd gathers around the car. EXT. PARK - LONDON Austin enters the park in high spirits. We PULL BACK to see that Austin is being watched through binoculars by a big ARYAN ASSASSIN. PULL BACK FURTHER to reveal a beautiful MYSTERIOUS WOMAN watching both of them. From this distance we can't tell who she is. A sign reads "BE-IN FOR PEACE". HIPPIES, MODS, and FREAKS of all descriptions dance to the music of a PSYCHEDELIC BAND. The band's name is on the drum kit: "MING TEA." AUSTIN Alright, baby, a swinging shin-dig! Austin gets into the dancing, quickly becoming the center of the scene. The lead singer of the band invites him on stage and hands him the microphone as the band starts a new song: "SEXUAL REVOLUTION." Austin begins singing and a choreographed musical number begins involving the outdoor crowd a la Bob Fosse's Sweet Charity or Hair. AUSTIN (singing) 'THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION, YOU CAN FEEL IT IN THE AIR. PEOPLE SHAGGING JUST LIKE WEASELS AND THEY JUST DON'T SEEM TO CARE. Hip-thrusting young MOD FREAKS Fosse-hump rhythmically. AUSTIN (singing) HEY, WATCH OUT SQUARES... YOU MAKES US BORED! THE PENIS IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD Austin does various groovy dance moves like THE ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOT and THE HEAVYWEIGHT. AUSTIN (singing) THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION AND YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET PEOPLE SHAGGING IN THE CLUBS AND INSIDE A JUMBO JET Forty Austins appear in a KALEIDOSCOPE EFFECT. AUSTIN (singing) HEY SQUARE WORLD THE END IS NIGH. WHEN WE SAY HUMP YOU SAY 'HOW HIGH?' Three GROOVY CHICKS behind Austin suddenly have tambourines for the big finale. The assassin and the mysterious woman are both in the audience, keeping an eye on Austin. All we see of the woman are shots of her BOOTS, CLOTHES, and a FEMALE SYMBOL MEDALLION. AUSTIN (singing) SO GO MAKE LOVE OR MASTURBATE-- SEXUAL FREEDOM WILL NEVER BE OUT OF DAAAAAAAAAAATE! Austin holds the note an improbably long time, arms outstretched. The dancers crouch-walk towards the camera. EVERYONE (chanting) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (shouting) IT'S THE SIXTIES! The SONG ENDS and all the dancers end up on one knee with their arms outstretched, panting. Austin breathes heavily and smiles smugly like Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance. We are TIGHT ON Austin's ass. PULL BACK to see that it is the MYSTERIOUS WOMAN who is watching Austin's ass. She SMILES behind the binoculars hiding her face. 37 EXT. CARNABY ST. Austin walks down the street looking at his new BEATLES ALBUM. Sitting in a parked Citroen watching him is the ASSASSIN. The Aryan assassin nods to a SHOE-SHINE on the street. The shoe-shine boy nods to a BUSINESS MAN in a Homburg. The business man nods to a BOBBY. The bobby nods to a WOMAN WITH A BABY CARRIAGE. The woman with a baby carriage nods to a MIME. The mime nods to a BLIND BEGGAR with a tin cup. The blind beggar nods to a CARPENTER on a roof. The carpenter FLASHES A LIGHT to an INDIAN CHIEF. The Indian Chief gives a SMOKE SIGNAL to a TELEGRAPH OPERATOR. The telegraph operator sends a signal to the BEEFEATER GUARD. The Beefeater salutes with his pike to a SEXY TICKET COLLECTOR on a double-decker bus. The sexy ticket collector signals a TAXI DRIVER. The taxi driver nods back to the assassin as he drives by. INT. CITROEN The assassin gets the signal and starts the car. The whole nodding sequence was a circular waste of time. EXT. STREET - VARIOUS ANGLES Austin walks along. Suddenly, he sees the Citroen coming at him. He dives out of the way and takes off running. He rounds a corner and pretends to be a COUPLE MAKING OUT against a wall by hugging himself. The assassin sees him and slams on the brakes. He raises his gun. Austin turns as he hears a car HONK. It's Austin's BEETLE CONVERTIBLE. The mysterious woman steps out. We see her in her entirety for the first time, and what a sight it is. She has long auburn hair and wears a tight racing suit, unzipped just enough to show the female symbol medallion. She is FELICITY SHAGWELL. MUSIC: FELICITY'S THEME FELICITY Care for a ride? AUSTIN That's my Beetle, baby. FELICITY It was your Beetle. Get in. Austin dives in as the assassin FIRES. The car speeds off. INT. BEETLE (REAR PROJECTION) Felicity drives expertly. FELICITY Austin Powers, I presume? AUSTIN Powers by name, Powers by reputation. FELICITY Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Shagwell by name, Shag-very-Well by reputation. AUSTIN (turning to camera) Crazy, baby! EXT. ROAD The Beetle zips along, and then-- the Citroen appears behind it. The assassin FIRES. INT. BEETLE Felicity turns around to look. FELICITY Grab the wheel, would you? Austin grabs the wheel and Felicity pulls a gun. She turns and FIRES out the window. EXT. ROAD The assassin's tire BLOWS. The car skids towards a Cliff and he jumps out as it goes over. EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN The car goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it EXPLODES. EXT. CLIFF The assassin hangs on to a branch with one hand. He falls. ASSASSIN Ahhhhhhhh! EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN Same shot as the car: The assassin's body goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it, too, EXPLODES. FELICITY Well, Austin, I think this time you may have met your match. AUSTIN Oh, I've beaten Dr. Evil before, and I'll beat him again. FELICITY I was talking about me. She smiles, turns, and walks away. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD The room is dark, with only a single spotlight providing illumination. Suddenly, Austin and Felicity rise on an elevator into the middle of the spotlight. AUSTIN Welcome to my shag pad, baby. Light floods the pad, revealing hanging basket chairs, Hi- fi, and Warhol silk screens of Austin. Austin blows DUST off a table. AUSTIN Care for something to drink? Austin hits a button and a bookcase revolves to reveal a wetbar. AUSTIN Or perhaps something to read? Austin walks seductively over to the real wetbar and hits a button. It revolves to reveal a bookcase. AUSTIN How about a hot cup of coffee? FELICITY Yes, I rather fancy a grind. AUSTIN Oh, Behave! Austin hits a button and an automatic coffee-pourer pours a cup. MUSIC: Girl from Impenema by JOBIM AUSTIN Would you like a... mas-sage? A sensssual mas-sage? Austin hits a button and a series of actions take place: the floor opens up to reveal a sunken bed; red gels slide into place over the lamps; a painting slides back to reveal a reel-to-reel; an end table revolves to reveal a selection of massage oils. Felicity lies on her stomach. Austin begins to massage her. AUSTIN How does that feel, baby? FELICITY Mmm, lower. AUSTIN (lowering his voice) HOW DOES THAT FEEL, BABY? They laugh. Austin continues to massage her. FELICITY Wait, something's itching me. She reaches behind her and unties the strap of her evening dress, revealing her naked back. FELICITY That's better. AUSTIN Crikey!!! Austin GULPS and accidentally spurts way too much oil on her. AUSTIN Sorry. Austin continues the back rub and Felicity stretches out on the bed. AUSTIN (talking to his crotch) Hello, anyone home? C'mon lads, do it for England. Austin takes a peak-- nothing. He is panicked. FELICITY Oh, that was so relaxing. Felicity stretches very sexily. AUSTIN Would you 'like to see my etchings? FELICITY (sexy) I think I'm ready for bed. She moves close to Austin. He slides to the other side of the bed. AUSTIN I'll get you some PJs. FELICITY No, I'm ready for bed. She moves over to him. He avoids her. AUSTIN Oh, you'll want to clean your teeth then. Austin holds up toothpaste and toothbrush. Felicity finally grabs him and pins him to the bed. FELICITY No, I want to have sex with you, Austin. AUSTIN Hello Vicar! FELICITY I've studied everything about you- your methods, your accomplishments, your preferences. You're the reason I became a spy. Now, I've waited two years to meet you, so I say we get busy making up for lost time. Austin sits up. AUSTIN (reflective) Felicity, I used to think that way, too, but I guess... I guess I've changed. Not to make a short story long, or to ramble on and on, or to keep talking in a repetitive manner ad infinitum until it becomes impossible to remember what I was talking about in the first place, but- where was I? MUSIC: SAD INSTRUMENTAL AUSTIN Oh yes. Felicity, I can't shag you. I've lost my mojo. FELICITY (obviously disappointed) Oh. AUSTIN I thought coming back to the Sixties would bring it back, but it hasn't. FELICITY Austin, don't worry. I know just the man to help you. He's my guru. Ringo recommended him and he's the best. AUSTIN I'll warm up the Jumbo Jet, baby! EXT. AUSTIN'S PSYCHEDELIC JUMBO JET Austin's plane in flight. EXT. INDIA - STOCK FOOTAGE EXT./INT. BEETLE Austin and Felicity drive against obvious rear screen projection of India. INT. ASHRAM It looks like a mosque, with incense, tapestries, and DISCIPLES. Austin and Felicity enter. MUSIC: SITAR FELICITY There he is. That's my guru. We see the GURU PITKA (played by Mike), an Indian man in a bright red sari. FELICITY Guru, I'd like you to meet Austin Powers. AUSTIN How are you baby? GURU PITKA My chakras are aligned and I am in a perfect state of equipoise. AUSTIN Good on ya. I don't know what that means but it sounds fab. FELICITY Guru, we need some advice. GURU PITKA Hold your horses and any other beasts- of burden. I must lead my disciples in meditation and then I will help you. The Guru walks to the front of the room and the disciples sink to their knees. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA My name is the Guru Pitka. I am a spiritual teacher and I have combined many disparate disciplines into a unified movement of human potentiality and equipoise that I learned from my guru, the late Guru Shastri, a chaste man who died mysteriously of a disease that strangely had all the hallmarks of syphilis. He would say to me, Sparky, love is all, life is breath. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA Now, perhaps you are wondering where I got the nickname Sparky. Well, when we were young we used to play a game called "Stinkmop". We would urinate into a bucket, dip a mop into it, and play tag. I did not care for "Stinkmop" and a very wise old man said to me 'oh lighten up, Sparky', and I don't know, the name kind of stuck. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhhh... GURU PITKA Now, the reason I am a spiritualist instead of a therapist is that 'therapist' often becomes 'the rapist' and that will not help us attain potentiality. Now what is potentiality? It is the ability to achieve those goals that we wish to achieve for ourselves. People often say to me that they feel "nowhere", and I am going to change that to "Now here." The guru holds up a card which says "NOWHERE = NOW HERE!" DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh... GURU PITKA And you have many assumptions about your goals, but when you "assume" You make an "ass" out of "u" and "me". Guru holds up a card which says "ASSUME = ASS - U - ME." DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh.... GURU PITKA The being, or that which we call 'ourselves', is not the tinker. It is not the taughts. It is the Gap between the tinker and the taughts! We are not our mind, we are not our body, we are the Gap! Guru holds up a card that says "NOT TINKER, NOT TAUGHTS, BUT THE GAP" with the familiar Gap font. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA (rapid fire) The heart of the matter is that you are the heart of the matter. There is no "I" in "team". Beer before liquor, never sicker. Don't take a wooden nickel. If your pipe is short and your pump is weak, you better stand close or you'll piss on your feet. He who goes to bed with itchy bum wakes up with smelly finger. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA Finally, the path to spiritual awakening requires the death of ego. Leggo of my ego! Let us end with the mantra: Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. DISCIPLES (chanting) Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. The Guru takes a swig of Yoo-Hoo. GURU PITKA Go with God, and pay at the door please. The disciples file out. Austin and Felicity approach. GURU PITKA How can I help you? AUSTIN Guru, I'm having trouble performing. GURU PITKA What do you mean? AUSTIN You know- my bits and pieces are a bit sleepy. GURU PITKA I'm not understanding. AUSTIN I've forgotten the steps to the Mummy- Daddy dance. GURU PITKA Still not clear. AUSTIN My flag's at half mast and no one will salute it. GURU PITKA Sorry? AUSTIN My Willie don't work. GURU PITKA Why are you beating around the bush? AUSTIN That's my problem. GURU PITKA Ohhhhh, I get it. (beat) No, I don't get it. FELICITY He's impotent! AUSTIN Alright, easy. (to Guru) Felicity and I were all set for some hump Olympics and I couldn't bat for six. GURU PITKA Oh, yes, I see. AUSTIN You have no idea what I'm saying, do you? GURU PITKA Not a word. AUSTIN Guru, I've lost my mojo. GURU PITKA Oh, mojo! You should have said so. Well, you've lost your mojo because your chakras are misaligned. You have lost love. AUSTIN Lost love? Oh, you mean Vanessa? FELICITY Who's Vanessa? AUSTIN She was an evil robot minion of Dr. Evil. I couldn't have loved her. GURU PITKA Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, buddy. You will only get your mojo back when you surround yourself with love. AUSTIN Oh, I get what you're saying now! He's talking about free love, baby! Tune in, turn on, and drop out! GURU PITKA I am talking about true love. You must stay and study until you are worthy. AUSTIN No way, man. The only way to surround yourself with love is to throw a swinging shin-dig! Yeah, baby, yeah! INT. DR.EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR Dr. Evil and Frau are interrupted by the man we now know as FAT BASTARD. He is foul-mouthed, and when he swears he is bleeped. DR. EVIL Well done, Fat Bastard. May I have the mojo? FAT BASTARD First things first, where's your shitter? I've gotta bleepin, turtle head pokin' out. DR. EVIL (disgusted) Right. Charming. Fat Bastard- you don't mind me calling you Fat Bastard do you? FAT BASTARD I've got a lot of demons kickin' around in my noggin, but weight issues ain't one of them. DR. EVIL Alright, Fatty- FAT BASTARD The name is Fat Bastard! I'm the incorrect weight for my height and I was born out of wedlock, hence the moniker Fat Bastard. Hey, I'm not kiddin'. I've got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey. DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, the mojo? FAT BASTARD Where's my (bleeping) money? DR. EVIL A gentlemen never discusses money. FAT BASTARD Fine, you can take your (bleep)in' money and shove it up your (bleep), you stupid (bleeping) prick! While you're at it you can suck my greasy, two-toned (bleep)! DR. EVIL (pause) Vulgarity is no substitute for wit. FAT BASTARD (Bleep) you! DR. EVIL Right. Bring in the money. Dr. Evil PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIERS drive in a forklift loaded with gold bars. FAT BASTARD Alright, here it is. Fat Bastard slowly draws out the high-tech syringe full of MOJO. Dr. Evil is mesmerized. DR. EVIL Mini-Me, fetch. Mini-Me runs and snatches the mojo from Fat Bastard and gives it to Dr. Evil, who caresses it and places it on a SPECIALLY PREPARED PEDESTAL. NUMBER TWO enters. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I have some bad news. Austin Powers is back in the Sixties. One of our best assassins spotted him but he got away. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous, we have his mojo. NUMBER TWO There is another. Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Suddenly, Scott Evil enters through TIME PORTAL. DR. EVIL Scott, what are you doing here? SCOTT I don't know, I was sitting around watching the tube and The Courtship of Eddie's Father came on Nick at Nite, you know, and I was just listening to that theme song-- (hums/sings the theme) Anyway it made me think that maybe we could try and work things out. You know, you are my Dad and I need you. DR. EVIL You had your chance, Scott. I already have someone created in my image. He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins. (looking around) Has anyone seen Mini-Me? (calling out) Mini-Me! Mini-Mouse? Mini-Driver? Hello! Mini Pearl? Can we put a frickin' bell on him or something? Scott, very hurt, sits back in his chair and sulks. Dr. Evil hits a button and a model moon and a model earth descend. DR. EVIL Gentlemen, phase three. We place a giant laser on the moon. Let me demonstrate. (beat) Where's my laser? Dr. Evil looks around and sees Mini-Me gnawing on the model laser. Dr. Evil takes it from his mouth DR. EVIL Mini-Me, don't chew my laser. (to room) Not feeling well. He has an ear infection, but tit's OK. (pause) No? Nothing? (back to model) Anyway, the laser is powerful enough to destroy every city on the planet at will. We'll turn the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star". Scott SNICKERS. DR. EVIL What? SCOTT (snickering again) Nothing Darth. DR. EVIL What did you call me? SCOTT Nothing. (pretends to sneeze) Rip-off! DR. EVIL (unsure) Bless you? Anyways, since my "death star" laser was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist, Dr. Parsons. I thought we'd name it in his honor-- the Alan Parsons Project. Scott SNICKERS again. DR. EVIL What now? SCOTT The Alan Parsons Project was a progressive rock band from 1982. Why don't you just name it Operation Wang Chung, ass? DR. EVIL (indicating laser) When you get your own evil empire, you can call it whatever you want. Gentlemen, allow me to demonstrate the awesome lethality of the Alan Parsons Project. Fire the laser! INSERT SHOT: A giant laser beam smashes down through the roof of the White House, causing it to explode. Everyone is shocked by the laser's power. NUMBER TWO My God, Dr. Evil, you destroyed the Wihite House with no warning! DR. EVIL Actually, that was just footage from the 1996 blockbuster motion Picture Independence Day, but it would be a lot like that. What do you think, Scott? SCOTT Yeah, Codename: Thompson Twins was really impressive. DR. EVIL Shhhh! SCOTT I'm nineteen, I don't- DR. EVIL Shh! Shh-Shh. Shh-Shhhhhh-Shh. Shh- shh! It's Morse code. (reading imaginary paper) Let me decipher... it says 'shhhhh!' SCOTT You are so lame- DR. EVIL (like Electric Company) Ssssss...huuuuuh...Shhhhh! NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, what are we going to do about Powers? DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, in addition to being extremely rotund, you're a vicious killer. Take care of it. FAT BASTARD It'll be my pleasure. DR. EVIL It's an easy job. Without his mojo, Powers will be...powerless? INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT A party, packed with dancing freaks of every stripe, is in full swing. A girl dances in an oversized birdcage. AUSTIN This shag-in is gonna blow your mind, baby, yeah! The party sequence is shot like Laugh-In. Very fast cuts to the music. Austin sees a VERY PREGNANT WOMAN drinking a martini and smoking. He gently lifts her drink and cigarette away from her. PREGNANT WOMAN Hey! AUSTIN You'll thank me later, baby. Another angle. Austin and Felicity dancing. AUSTIN (noticing someone) Hey! Ricardo Monteblan, how are you? We see RICARDO MONTEBLAN -smoking a hukka on a round chair. RICARDO Hello, Austin! Balls, said the queen and the king laughed because he had too. AUSTIN (to camera) Crazy, man! FELICITY Let's split up and scope the scene. AUSTIN Don't do anything I wouldn't do- at least not without me. Felicity slaps Austin on the butt as he walks off. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: Austin at the bar with an exotic-looking mod chick. AUSTIN (to chick) You're very exotic, baby. Do you have a little English in you? CHICK No. AUSTIN Would you like to? CUT TO: An Alan Zeus-type very gay guy. ALAN ZEUS GUY (rolling his eyes) This is ridiculous! CUT TO: A LONDON COP and Felicity are on hanging chairs. LONDON COP Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz? FELICITY No, but I bet it really hurts. CUT TO: A GUY IN A RAINCOAT on a tricycle, shot undercranked, rides through the party and falls over. CUT TO: Austin pops into frame with a book that says "AUSTIN POWERS SEXY DICTIONARY". AUSTIN The Austin Powers Sexy Dictionary defines an Eskimo hooker as a frosty prosty. CUT TO: An eskimo at the bar in a fur parka. ESKIMO (to camera) I don't get it. CUT TO: The camera pans up Felicity's cool hip-huggers, which are very tight. AUSTIN Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants, baby? FELICITY Well you can start by buying me a drink. Austin does a spit take. CUT TO: Felicity with a VIKING. VIKING You were great last night. By the way, I'm Thor. FELICITY You're Thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly thit. CUT TO: Austin is wearing a silly spiked German helmet like in Hogan's Heroes. AUSTIN (German accent) Hello, I am Baron Von Firstinbed. Last night I had German-Chinese food. An hour later I was hungry- for power. CUT TO: ZEUS GUY Oh puh-leez, why don't you take a handful of F-off pills? CUT TO: AUSTIN Did you hear about the contortionist who was engaged to be married? FELICITY Yeah, I heard she broke it off. CUT TO: Film running backwards of Austin doing a spit take. CUT TO: ARTIE JOHNSON in German helmet behind a plant. ARTIE JOHNSON Verrrrry interesting- but shtupid! CUT TO: Austin takes his glasses off to clean them. We see his POV, which is totally fuzzy. He looks over and sees what appears to be a NUDE GIRL- two round globes and dark triangle. Austin puts his glasses on and looks again. It is actually a girl in a flesh-colored dress. In between her and Austin were two COMPLETELY BALD MEN and a triangular martini glass filled with a Cosmopolitan. CUT TO: Cut to Austin and Felicity together again. FELICITY Look at that. She points to where Fat Bastard and his companion are standing. AUSTIN That's not a pretty sight. Who is he? FELICITY Until recently he worked security for the MOD, but we think he might be a double agent, possibly for Dr. Evil. AUSTIN How do you know? FELICITY We've noticed that his lifestyle has changed dramatically. He's made a lot of cash purchases, he's hanging out with foxes half his age, and he's becomes quite a fixture on the London party circuit. AUSTIN Who's the girl? FELICITY I don't know, but it looks like he's splitting. Fat Bastard exits. FELICITY I'll follow him. You see what you can get out of the girl. We'll rendezvous later. Felicity follows Fat Bastard out the door. Austin makes his way over to the girl. AUSTIN Hello, hello. GIRL Hello, Mr. Powers. Fab party. AUSTIN Who are you today, baby? GIRL Robin. Robin Swallows. AUSTIN Swallows? That's an interesting name. Are you English? ROBIN SWALLOWS German, actually. My maiden name is Spitz. AUSTIN Well which is it, baby, Spitz or Swallows? Either way, it's a pleasure. ROBIN SWALLOWS The pleasure is mine. She extends her hand. Austin takes it and shakes. As he shakes, her cleavage undulates like jello. Austin is transfixed and keeps shaking far too long. AUSTIN Charmed, I'm sure. (still shaking, her breasts jiggle) How do you do? (still shaking, jiggling) Yes, quite. (shakes, jiggles) I always enjoy meeting new people. (shakes, jiggles) How's your mum? Good. (shakes, jiggles) I love shaking hands. Austin. is shaking her hand so vigorously that she is in danger of popping out of her dress. AUSTIN (snapping out of it) So, who was your friend? ROBIN SWALLOWS His name is Fat Bastard. AUSTIN It suits him. ROBIN SWALLOWS He's my lover. Austin is grossed out. AUSTIN OK. Would you happen to know if he's in business with a man named Mr. Evil? ROBIN SWALLOWS I don't know anyone named Dr. Evil. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Evil. Austin does a smug take. AUSTIN Something to drink? Would you like a Mister Pepper? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes, I'd love a Doctor Pepper. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Pepper. Austin does another smug take. Robin grabs Austin and pulls him close. ROBIN SWALLOWS You're a groovy boy, I'd like to strap you on sometime. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: ALAN ZEUS-TYPE GUY IN LIMBO ALAN ZEUS TYPE Meanwhile... BACK TO: EXT. FISH AND CHIPS STAND - NIGHT Literally a window in a wall. Fat Bastard is placing his order. FAT BASTARD ...and I'll have a fried-prawn sandwich, with extra mayonnaise, two whole chickens, a kidney pie, a toad in the hole, bubble and squeak, bangers and mash, 3 orders of fish and chips, and... a Fresca. No ice. We pan to see Felicity beside him. FELICITY I love a man with a large appetite. FAT BASTARD And I love a woman with big (bleeps), so let's shut up and get to (bleep)ing. Felicity swallows hard and forces a smile. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT AUSTIN Can I ask you a question? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes. AUSTIN Thank you. Beat. ROBIN SWALLOWS Well, what's the question? AUSTIN Oh, yes. Would you like to shag? Would you? ROBIN SWALLOWS I'd love to, Mr. Powers, just come right... over... here. Robin moves Austin into place as they dance. AUSTIN You're a bit of alright. Just then, Austin looks into her eyes and sees the REFLECTION OF AN ASSASSIN (Oedipus) about to throw a knife. Just as he throws it, Austin spins Robin Swallows around and USES HER AS A SHIELD. She takes the knife squarely in the back. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the revolver. Oedipus pulls out a pistol and begins FIRING. Austin continues to use Robin AS A SHIELD. She takes six hits. Oedipus runs out of bullets. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the machine gun. Oedipus pulls out a machine gun and FIRES. In a Robert Rodriquez- like flurry of events, Austin dodges while still USING HER AS

pad

How many times the word 'pad' appears in the text?

BASIL EXPOSITION Agent Haggerty was the test, Austin. Not only were you actually reading an article in that Playboy, but a candy-stripe nurse offering to give you a sponge bath didn't so much as turn your head. AUSTIN Wait, I can explain, man! I was going to shag her but the article was so fascinating-- BASIL EXPOSITION I'm sorry, Austin, I'm afraid it's true: you've lost your mojo. Basil shows Austin the mojometer, which reads EMPTY. AUSTIN (crushed) Without my mojo, I'm useless to the Ministry and to Her Majesty. I think it's time to retire. BASIL EXPOSITION I'm afraid that's not possible, Austin. You see, Dr. Evil has returned. AUSTIN Again? BASIL EXPOSITION Again. INT. MOD - TIME-TRAVEL ROOM Austin and Basil ride on the back of a golf cart through the largest room you've ever seen in your life. BASIL EXPOSITION We have evidence that Dr. Evil has developed a time machine. Basil shows Austin altered photos of Dr. Evil with famous villains, such as Sadam, Nixon, and Donald Trump. BASIL EXPOSITION Our researcher noticed that these photos from the archives have changed. That means Dr. Evil is traveling back in time and creating alliances with each decade's most despised villains. Austin tries to read them and gets queasy. AUSTIN I can't read in the car. I get a bit vomy. Austin burps and swallows it. AUSTIN Got it. I almost gipped. BASIL EXPOSITION (V.O.) Our data indicates that Dr. Evil is in the year 1969. Luckily, we also have a time travel device. After years of research we've developed a machine that will transport you back to the Sixties. A bright overhead light comes on spotlighting a brand new VOLKSWAGEN BEETLE CONVERTIBLE, painted up psychedelic by Peter Max. AUSTIN But Basil, isn't that the new Volkswagen Beetle? BASIL EXPOSITION That's what they'd like you to believe. AUSTIN So, Basil, if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967, I could go look at my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the 90's and traveled back to the Sixties? (goes cross-eyed) Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed. BASIL EXPOSITION (to camera) I suggest you don't worry about those things and just enjoy yourself. Austin gets into the car and turns it on. AUSTIN This is smashing Basil. I'll go back to the Sixties, recharge my mojo, defeat Dr. Evil and be back in time for tea. BASIL EXPOSITION Good luck, Austin. AUSTIN Luck has nothing to do with it, Basil. Austin steps on the gas. The car lurches in reverse and smashes some equipment. AUSTIN Sorry. (changing gears) Swinging Sixties, here I come, baby, yeah! The car takes off, heading for the wall. It DISAPPEARS, leaving flaming tread marks. FLASH CUT TO: EXT. STREET - LONDON - The Beetle time machine appears out of nowhere and screeches to a stop. A London HIPPIE smoking a hukka watches. He throws the hukka down. Austin hops out. AUSTIN I feel better already, man! Austin smiles and we see that his teeth are back to being TERRIBLE. He walks off as a crowd gathers around the car. EXT. PARK - LONDON Austin enters the park in high spirits. We PULL BACK to see that Austin is being watched through binoculars by a big ARYAN ASSASSIN. PULL BACK FURTHER to reveal a beautiful MYSTERIOUS WOMAN watching both of them. From this distance we can't tell who she is. A sign reads "BE-IN FOR PEACE". HIPPIES, MODS, and FREAKS of all descriptions dance to the music of a PSYCHEDELIC BAND. The band's name is on the drum kit: "MING TEA." AUSTIN Alright, baby, a swinging shin-dig! Austin gets into the dancing, quickly becoming the center of the scene. The lead singer of the band invites him on stage and hands him the microphone as the band starts a new song: "SEXUAL REVOLUTION." Austin begins singing and a choreographed musical number begins involving the outdoor crowd a la Bob Fosse's Sweet Charity or Hair. AUSTIN (singing) 'THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION, YOU CAN FEEL IT IN THE AIR. PEOPLE SHAGGING JUST LIKE WEASELS AND THEY JUST DON'T SEEM TO CARE. Hip-thrusting young MOD FREAKS Fosse-hump rhythmically. AUSTIN (singing) HEY, WATCH OUT SQUARES... YOU MAKES US BORED! THE PENIS IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD Austin does various groovy dance moves like THE ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOT and THE HEAVYWEIGHT. AUSTIN (singing) THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION AND YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET PEOPLE SHAGGING IN THE CLUBS AND INSIDE A JUMBO JET Forty Austins appear in a KALEIDOSCOPE EFFECT. AUSTIN (singing) HEY SQUARE WORLD THE END IS NIGH. WHEN WE SAY HUMP YOU SAY 'HOW HIGH?' Three GROOVY CHICKS behind Austin suddenly have tambourines for the big finale. The assassin and the mysterious woman are both in the audience, keeping an eye on Austin. All we see of the woman are shots of her BOOTS, CLOTHES, and a FEMALE SYMBOL MEDALLION. AUSTIN (singing) SO GO MAKE LOVE OR MASTURBATE-- SEXUAL FREEDOM WILL NEVER BE OUT OF DAAAAAAAAAAATE! Austin holds the note an improbably long time, arms outstretched. The dancers crouch-walk towards the camera. EVERYONE (chanting) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (shouting) IT'S THE SIXTIES! The SONG ENDS and all the dancers end up on one knee with their arms outstretched, panting. Austin breathes heavily and smiles smugly like Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance. We are TIGHT ON Austin's ass. PULL BACK to see that it is the MYSTERIOUS WOMAN who is watching Austin's ass. She SMILES behind the binoculars hiding her face. 37 EXT. CARNABY ST. Austin walks down the street looking at his new BEATLES ALBUM. Sitting in a parked Citroen watching him is the ASSASSIN. The Aryan assassin nods to a SHOE-SHINE on the street. The shoe-shine boy nods to a BUSINESS MAN in a Homburg. The business man nods to a BOBBY. The bobby nods to a WOMAN WITH A BABY CARRIAGE. The woman with a baby carriage nods to a MIME. The mime nods to a BLIND BEGGAR with a tin cup. The blind beggar nods to a CARPENTER on a roof. The carpenter FLASHES A LIGHT to an INDIAN CHIEF. The Indian Chief gives a SMOKE SIGNAL to a TELEGRAPH OPERATOR. The telegraph operator sends a signal to the BEEFEATER GUARD. The Beefeater salutes with his pike to a SEXY TICKET COLLECTOR on a double-decker bus. The sexy ticket collector signals a TAXI DRIVER. The taxi driver nods back to the assassin as he drives by. INT. CITROEN The assassin gets the signal and starts the car. The whole nodding sequence was a circular waste of time. EXT. STREET - VARIOUS ANGLES Austin walks along. Suddenly, he sees the Citroen coming at him. He dives out of the way and takes off running. He rounds a corner and pretends to be a COUPLE MAKING OUT against a wall by hugging himself. The assassin sees him and slams on the brakes. He raises his gun. Austin turns as he hears a car HONK. It's Austin's BEETLE CONVERTIBLE. The mysterious woman steps out. We see her in her entirety for the first time, and what a sight it is. She has long auburn hair and wears a tight racing suit, unzipped just enough to show the female symbol medallion. She is FELICITY SHAGWELL. MUSIC: FELICITY'S THEME FELICITY Care for a ride? AUSTIN That's my Beetle, baby. FELICITY It was your Beetle. Get in. Austin dives in as the assassin FIRES. The car speeds off. INT. BEETLE (REAR PROJECTION) Felicity drives expertly. FELICITY Austin Powers, I presume? AUSTIN Powers by name, Powers by reputation. FELICITY Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Shagwell by name, Shag-very-Well by reputation. AUSTIN (turning to camera) Crazy, baby! EXT. ROAD The Beetle zips along, and then-- the Citroen appears behind it. The assassin FIRES. INT. BEETLE Felicity turns around to look. FELICITY Grab the wheel, would you? Austin grabs the wheel and Felicity pulls a gun. She turns and FIRES out the window. EXT. ROAD The assassin's tire BLOWS. The car skids towards a Cliff and he jumps out as it goes over. EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN The car goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it EXPLODES. EXT. CLIFF The assassin hangs on to a branch with one hand. He falls. ASSASSIN Ahhhhhhhh! EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN Same shot as the car: The assassin's body goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it, too, EXPLODES. FELICITY Well, Austin, I think this time you may have met your match. AUSTIN Oh, I've beaten Dr. Evil before, and I'll beat him again. FELICITY I was talking about me. She smiles, turns, and walks away. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD The room is dark, with only a single spotlight providing illumination. Suddenly, Austin and Felicity rise on an elevator into the middle of the spotlight. AUSTIN Welcome to my shag pad, baby. Light floods the pad, revealing hanging basket chairs, Hi- fi, and Warhol silk screens of Austin. Austin blows DUST off a table. AUSTIN Care for something to drink? Austin hits a button and a bookcase revolves to reveal a wetbar. AUSTIN Or perhaps something to read? Austin walks seductively over to the real wetbar and hits a button. It revolves to reveal a bookcase. AUSTIN How about a hot cup of coffee? FELICITY Yes, I rather fancy a grind. AUSTIN Oh, Behave! Austin hits a button and an automatic coffee-pourer pours a cup. MUSIC: Girl from Impenema by JOBIM AUSTIN Would you like a... mas-sage? A sensssual mas-sage? Austin hits a button and a series of actions take place: the floor opens up to reveal a sunken bed; red gels slide into place over the lamps; a painting slides back to reveal a reel-to-reel; an end table revolves to reveal a selection of massage oils. Felicity lies on her stomach. Austin begins to massage her. AUSTIN How does that feel, baby? FELICITY Mmm, lower. AUSTIN (lowering his voice) HOW DOES THAT FEEL, BABY? They laugh. Austin continues to massage her. FELICITY Wait, something's itching me. She reaches behind her and unties the strap of her evening dress, revealing her naked back. FELICITY That's better. AUSTIN Crikey!!! Austin GULPS and accidentally spurts way too much oil on her. AUSTIN Sorry. Austin continues the back rub and Felicity stretches out on the bed. AUSTIN (talking to his crotch) Hello, anyone home? C'mon lads, do it for England. Austin takes a peak-- nothing. He is panicked. FELICITY Oh, that was so relaxing. Felicity stretches very sexily. AUSTIN Would you 'like to see my etchings? FELICITY (sexy) I think I'm ready for bed. She moves close to Austin. He slides to the other side of the bed. AUSTIN I'll get you some PJs. FELICITY No, I'm ready for bed. She moves over to him. He avoids her. AUSTIN Oh, you'll want to clean your teeth then. Austin holds up toothpaste and toothbrush. Felicity finally grabs him and pins him to the bed. FELICITY No, I want to have sex with you, Austin. AUSTIN Hello Vicar! FELICITY I've studied everything about you- your methods, your accomplishments, your preferences. You're the reason I became a spy. Now, I've waited two years to meet you, so I say we get busy making up for lost time. Austin sits up. AUSTIN (reflective) Felicity, I used to think that way, too, but I guess... I guess I've changed. Not to make a short story long, or to ramble on and on, or to keep talking in a repetitive manner ad infinitum until it becomes impossible to remember what I was talking about in the first place, but- where was I? MUSIC: SAD INSTRUMENTAL AUSTIN Oh yes. Felicity, I can't shag you. I've lost my mojo. FELICITY (obviously disappointed) Oh. AUSTIN I thought coming back to the Sixties would bring it back, but it hasn't. FELICITY Austin, don't worry. I know just the man to help you. He's my guru. Ringo recommended him and he's the best. AUSTIN I'll warm up the Jumbo Jet, baby! EXT. AUSTIN'S PSYCHEDELIC JUMBO JET Austin's plane in flight. EXT. INDIA - STOCK FOOTAGE EXT./INT. BEETLE Austin and Felicity drive against obvious rear screen projection of India. INT. ASHRAM It looks like a mosque, with incense, tapestries, and DISCIPLES. Austin and Felicity enter. MUSIC: SITAR FELICITY There he is. That's my guru. We see the GURU PITKA (played by Mike), an Indian man in a bright red sari. FELICITY Guru, I'd like you to meet Austin Powers. AUSTIN How are you baby? GURU PITKA My chakras are aligned and I am in a perfect state of equipoise. AUSTIN Good on ya. I don't know what that means but it sounds fab. FELICITY Guru, we need some advice. GURU PITKA Hold your horses and any other beasts- of burden. I must lead my disciples in meditation and then I will help you. The Guru walks to the front of the room and the disciples sink to their knees. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA My name is the Guru Pitka. I am a spiritual teacher and I have combined many disparate disciplines into a unified movement of human potentiality and equipoise that I learned from my guru, the late Guru Shastri, a chaste man who died mysteriously of a disease that strangely had all the hallmarks of syphilis. He would say to me, Sparky, love is all, life is breath. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA Now, perhaps you are wondering where I got the nickname Sparky. Well, when we were young we used to play a game called "Stinkmop". We would urinate into a bucket, dip a mop into it, and play tag. I did not care for "Stinkmop" and a very wise old man said to me 'oh lighten up, Sparky', and I don't know, the name kind of stuck. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhhh... GURU PITKA Now, the reason I am a spiritualist instead of a therapist is that 'therapist' often becomes 'the rapist' and that will not help us attain potentiality. Now what is potentiality? It is the ability to achieve those goals that we wish to achieve for ourselves. People often say to me that they feel "nowhere", and I am going to change that to "Now here." The guru holds up a card which says "NOWHERE = NOW HERE!" DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh... GURU PITKA And you have many assumptions about your goals, but when you "assume" You make an "ass" out of "u" and "me". Guru holds up a card which says "ASSUME = ASS - U - ME." DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh.... GURU PITKA The being, or that which we call 'ourselves', is not the tinker. It is not the taughts. It is the Gap between the tinker and the taughts! We are not our mind, we are not our body, we are the Gap! Guru holds up a card that says "NOT TINKER, NOT TAUGHTS, BUT THE GAP" with the familiar Gap font. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA (rapid fire) The heart of the matter is that you are the heart of the matter. There is no "I" in "team". Beer before liquor, never sicker. Don't take a wooden nickel. If your pipe is short and your pump is weak, you better stand close or you'll piss on your feet. He who goes to bed with itchy bum wakes up with smelly finger. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA Finally, the path to spiritual awakening requires the death of ego. Leggo of my ego! Let us end with the mantra: Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. DISCIPLES (chanting) Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. The Guru takes a swig of Yoo-Hoo. GURU PITKA Go with God, and pay at the door please. The disciples file out. Austin and Felicity approach. GURU PITKA How can I help you? AUSTIN Guru, I'm having trouble performing. GURU PITKA What do you mean? AUSTIN You know- my bits and pieces are a bit sleepy. GURU PITKA I'm not understanding. AUSTIN I've forgotten the steps to the Mummy- Daddy dance. GURU PITKA Still not clear. AUSTIN My flag's at half mast and no one will salute it. GURU PITKA Sorry? AUSTIN My Willie don't work. GURU PITKA Why are you beating around the bush? AUSTIN That's my problem. GURU PITKA Ohhhhh, I get it. (beat) No, I don't get it. FELICITY He's impotent! AUSTIN Alright, easy. (to Guru) Felicity and I were all set for some hump Olympics and I couldn't bat for six. GURU PITKA Oh, yes, I see. AUSTIN You have no idea what I'm saying, do you? GURU PITKA Not a word. AUSTIN Guru, I've lost my mojo. GURU PITKA Oh, mojo! You should have said so. Well, you've lost your mojo because your chakras are misaligned. You have lost love. AUSTIN Lost love? Oh, you mean Vanessa? FELICITY Who's Vanessa? AUSTIN She was an evil robot minion of Dr. Evil. I couldn't have loved her. GURU PITKA Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, buddy. You will only get your mojo back when you surround yourself with love. AUSTIN Oh, I get what you're saying now! He's talking about free love, baby! Tune in, turn on, and drop out! GURU PITKA I am talking about true love. You must stay and study until you are worthy. AUSTIN No way, man. The only way to surround yourself with love is to throw a swinging shin-dig! Yeah, baby, yeah! INT. DR.EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR Dr. Evil and Frau are interrupted by the man we now know as FAT BASTARD. He is foul-mouthed, and when he swears he is bleeped. DR. EVIL Well done, Fat Bastard. May I have the mojo? FAT BASTARD First things first, where's your shitter? I've gotta bleepin, turtle head pokin' out. DR. EVIL (disgusted) Right. Charming. Fat Bastard- you don't mind me calling you Fat Bastard do you? FAT BASTARD I've got a lot of demons kickin' around in my noggin, but weight issues ain't one of them. DR. EVIL Alright, Fatty- FAT BASTARD The name is Fat Bastard! I'm the incorrect weight for my height and I was born out of wedlock, hence the moniker Fat Bastard. Hey, I'm not kiddin'. I've got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey. DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, the mojo? FAT BASTARD Where's my (bleeping) money? DR. EVIL A gentlemen never discusses money. FAT BASTARD Fine, you can take your (bleep)in' money and shove it up your (bleep), you stupid (bleeping) prick! While you're at it you can suck my greasy, two-toned (bleep)! DR. EVIL (pause) Vulgarity is no substitute for wit. FAT BASTARD (Bleep) you! DR. EVIL Right. Bring in the money. Dr. Evil PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIERS drive in a forklift loaded with gold bars. FAT BASTARD Alright, here it is. Fat Bastard slowly draws out the high-tech syringe full of MOJO. Dr. Evil is mesmerized. DR. EVIL Mini-Me, fetch. Mini-Me runs and snatches the mojo from Fat Bastard and gives it to Dr. Evil, who caresses it and places it on a SPECIALLY PREPARED PEDESTAL. NUMBER TWO enters. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I have some bad news. Austin Powers is back in the Sixties. One of our best assassins spotted him but he got away. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous, we have his mojo. NUMBER TWO There is another. Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Suddenly, Scott Evil enters through TIME PORTAL. DR. EVIL Scott, what are you doing here? SCOTT I don't know, I was sitting around watching the tube and The Courtship of Eddie's Father came on Nick at Nite, you know, and I was just listening to that theme song-- (hums/sings the theme) Anyway it made me think that maybe we could try and work things out. You know, you are my Dad and I need you. DR. EVIL You had your chance, Scott. I already have someone created in my image. He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins. (looking around) Has anyone seen Mini-Me? (calling out) Mini-Me! Mini-Mouse? Mini-Driver? Hello! Mini Pearl? Can we put a frickin' bell on him or something? Scott, very hurt, sits back in his chair and sulks. Dr. Evil hits a button and a model moon and a model earth descend. DR. EVIL Gentlemen, phase three. We place a giant laser on the moon. Let me demonstrate. (beat) Where's my laser? Dr. Evil looks around and sees Mini-Me gnawing on the model laser. Dr. Evil takes it from his mouth DR. EVIL Mini-Me, don't chew my laser. (to room) Not feeling well. He has an ear infection, but tit's OK. (pause) No? Nothing? (back to model) Anyway, the laser is powerful enough to destroy every city on the planet at will. We'll turn the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star". Scott SNICKERS. DR. EVIL What? SCOTT (snickering again) Nothing Darth. DR. EVIL What did you call me? SCOTT Nothing. (pretends to sneeze) Rip-off! DR. EVIL (unsure) Bless you? Anyways, since my "death star" laser was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist, Dr. Parsons. I thought we'd name it in his honor-- the Alan Parsons Project. Scott SNICKERS again. DR. EVIL What now? SCOTT The Alan Parsons Project was a progressive rock band from 1982. Why don't you just name it Operation Wang Chung, ass? DR. EVIL (indicating laser) When you get your own evil empire, you can call it whatever you want. Gentlemen, allow me to demonstrate the awesome lethality of the Alan Parsons Project. Fire the laser! INSERT SHOT: A giant laser beam smashes down through the roof of the White House, causing it to explode. Everyone is shocked by the laser's power. NUMBER TWO My God, Dr. Evil, you destroyed the Wihite House with no warning! DR. EVIL Actually, that was just footage from the 1996 blockbuster motion Picture Independence Day, but it would be a lot like that. What do you think, Scott? SCOTT Yeah, Codename: Thompson Twins was really impressive. DR. EVIL Shhhh! SCOTT I'm nineteen, I don't- DR. EVIL Shh! Shh-Shh. Shh-Shhhhhh-Shh. Shh- shh! It's Morse code. (reading imaginary paper) Let me decipher... it says 'shhhhh!' SCOTT You are so lame- DR. EVIL (like Electric Company) Ssssss...huuuuuh...Shhhhh! NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, what are we going to do about Powers? DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, in addition to being extremely rotund, you're a vicious killer. Take care of it. FAT BASTARD It'll be my pleasure. DR. EVIL It's an easy job. Without his mojo, Powers will be...powerless? INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT A party, packed with dancing freaks of every stripe, is in full swing. A girl dances in an oversized birdcage. AUSTIN This shag-in is gonna blow your mind, baby, yeah! The party sequence is shot like Laugh-In. Very fast cuts to the music. Austin sees a VERY PREGNANT WOMAN drinking a martini and smoking. He gently lifts her drink and cigarette away from her. PREGNANT WOMAN Hey! AUSTIN You'll thank me later, baby. Another angle. Austin and Felicity dancing. AUSTIN (noticing someone) Hey! Ricardo Monteblan, how are you? We see RICARDO MONTEBLAN -smoking a hukka on a round chair. RICARDO Hello, Austin! Balls, said the queen and the king laughed because he had too. AUSTIN (to camera) Crazy, man! FELICITY Let's split up and scope the scene. AUSTIN Don't do anything I wouldn't do- at least not without me. Felicity slaps Austin on the butt as he walks off. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: Austin at the bar with an exotic-looking mod chick. AUSTIN (to chick) You're very exotic, baby. Do you have a little English in you? CHICK No. AUSTIN Would you like to? CUT TO: An Alan Zeus-type very gay guy. ALAN ZEUS GUY (rolling his eyes) This is ridiculous! CUT TO: A LONDON COP and Felicity are on hanging chairs. LONDON COP Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz? FELICITY No, but I bet it really hurts. CUT TO: A GUY IN A RAINCOAT on a tricycle, shot undercranked, rides through the party and falls over. CUT TO: Austin pops into frame with a book that says "AUSTIN POWERS SEXY DICTIONARY". AUSTIN The Austin Powers Sexy Dictionary defines an Eskimo hooker as a frosty prosty. CUT TO: An eskimo at the bar in a fur parka. ESKIMO (to camera) I don't get it. CUT TO: The camera pans up Felicity's cool hip-huggers, which are very tight. AUSTIN Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants, baby? FELICITY Well you can start by buying me a drink. Austin does a spit take. CUT TO: Felicity with a VIKING. VIKING You were great last night. By the way, I'm Thor. FELICITY You're Thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly thit. CUT TO: Austin is wearing a silly spiked German helmet like in Hogan's Heroes. AUSTIN (German accent) Hello, I am Baron Von Firstinbed. Last night I had German-Chinese food. An hour later I was hungry- for power. CUT TO: ZEUS GUY Oh puh-leez, why don't you take a handful of F-off pills? CUT TO: AUSTIN Did you hear about the contortionist who was engaged to be married? FELICITY Yeah, I heard she broke it off. CUT TO: Film running backwards of Austin doing a spit take. CUT TO: ARTIE JOHNSON in German helmet behind a plant. ARTIE JOHNSON Verrrrry interesting- but shtupid! CUT TO: Austin takes his glasses off to clean them. We see his POV, which is totally fuzzy. He looks over and sees what appears to be a NUDE GIRL- two round globes and dark triangle. Austin puts his glasses on and looks again. It is actually a girl in a flesh-colored dress. In between her and Austin were two COMPLETELY BALD MEN and a triangular martini glass filled with a Cosmopolitan. CUT TO: Cut to Austin and Felicity together again. FELICITY Look at that. She points to where Fat Bastard and his companion are standing. AUSTIN That's not a pretty sight. Who is he? FELICITY Until recently he worked security for the MOD, but we think he might be a double agent, possibly for Dr. Evil. AUSTIN How do you know? FELICITY We've noticed that his lifestyle has changed dramatically. He's made a lot of cash purchases, he's hanging out with foxes half his age, and he's becomes quite a fixture on the London party circuit. AUSTIN Who's the girl? FELICITY I don't know, but it looks like he's splitting. Fat Bastard exits. FELICITY I'll follow him. You see what you can get out of the girl. We'll rendezvous later. Felicity follows Fat Bastard out the door. Austin makes his way over to the girl. AUSTIN Hello, hello. GIRL Hello, Mr. Powers. Fab party. AUSTIN Who are you today, baby? GIRL Robin. Robin Swallows. AUSTIN Swallows? That's an interesting name. Are you English? ROBIN SWALLOWS German, actually. My maiden name is Spitz. AUSTIN Well which is it, baby, Spitz or Swallows? Either way, it's a pleasure. ROBIN SWALLOWS The pleasure is mine. She extends her hand. Austin takes it and shakes. As he shakes, her cleavage undulates like jello. Austin is transfixed and keeps shaking far too long. AUSTIN Charmed, I'm sure. (still shaking, her breasts jiggle) How do you do? (still shaking, jiggling) Yes, quite. (shakes, jiggles) I always enjoy meeting new people. (shakes, jiggles) How's your mum? Good. (shakes, jiggles) I love shaking hands. Austin. is shaking her hand so vigorously that she is in danger of popping out of her dress. AUSTIN (snapping out of it) So, who was your friend? ROBIN SWALLOWS His name is Fat Bastard. AUSTIN It suits him. ROBIN SWALLOWS He's my lover. Austin is grossed out. AUSTIN OK. Would you happen to know if he's in business with a man named Mr. Evil? ROBIN SWALLOWS I don't know anyone named Dr. Evil. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Evil. Austin does a smug take. AUSTIN Something to drink? Would you like a Mister Pepper? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes, I'd love a Doctor Pepper. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Pepper. Austin does another smug take. Robin grabs Austin and pulls him close. ROBIN SWALLOWS You're a groovy boy, I'd like to strap you on sometime. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: ALAN ZEUS-TYPE GUY IN LIMBO ALAN ZEUS TYPE Meanwhile... BACK TO: EXT. FISH AND CHIPS STAND - NIGHT Literally a window in a wall. Fat Bastard is placing his order. FAT BASTARD ...and I'll have a fried-prawn sandwich, with extra mayonnaise, two whole chickens, a kidney pie, a toad in the hole, bubble and squeak, bangers and mash, 3 orders of fish and chips, and... a Fresca. No ice. We pan to see Felicity beside him. FELICITY I love a man with a large appetite. FAT BASTARD And I love a woman with big (bleeps), so let's shut up and get to (bleep)ing. Felicity swallows hard and forces a smile. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT AUSTIN Can I ask you a question? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes. AUSTIN Thank you. Beat. ROBIN SWALLOWS Well, what's the question? AUSTIN Oh, yes. Would you like to shag? Would you? ROBIN SWALLOWS I'd love to, Mr. Powers, just come right... over... here. Robin moves Austin into place as they dance. AUSTIN You're a bit of alright. Just then, Austin looks into her eyes and sees the REFLECTION OF AN ASSASSIN (Oedipus) about to throw a knife. Just as he throws it, Austin spins Robin Swallows around and USES HER AS A SHIELD. She takes the knife squarely in the back. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the revolver. Oedipus pulls out a pistol and begins FIRING. Austin continues to use Robin AS A SHIELD. She takes six hits. Oedipus runs out of bullets. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the machine gun. Oedipus pulls out a machine gun and FIRES. In a Robert Rodriquez- like flurry of events, Austin dodges while still USING HER AS

knotted

How many times the word 'knotted' appears in the text?

BASIL EXPOSITION Agent Haggerty was the test, Austin. Not only were you actually reading an article in that Playboy, but a candy-stripe nurse offering to give you a sponge bath didn't so much as turn your head. AUSTIN Wait, I can explain, man! I was going to shag her but the article was so fascinating-- BASIL EXPOSITION I'm sorry, Austin, I'm afraid it's true: you've lost your mojo. Basil shows Austin the mojometer, which reads EMPTY. AUSTIN (crushed) Without my mojo, I'm useless to the Ministry and to Her Majesty. I think it's time to retire. BASIL EXPOSITION I'm afraid that's not possible, Austin. You see, Dr. Evil has returned. AUSTIN Again? BASIL EXPOSITION Again. INT. MOD - TIME-TRAVEL ROOM Austin and Basil ride on the back of a golf cart through the largest room you've ever seen in your life. BASIL EXPOSITION We have evidence that Dr. Evil has developed a time machine. Basil shows Austin altered photos of Dr. Evil with famous villains, such as Sadam, Nixon, and Donald Trump. BASIL EXPOSITION Our researcher noticed that these photos from the archives have changed. That means Dr. Evil is traveling back in time and creating alliances with each decade's most despised villains. Austin tries to read them and gets queasy. AUSTIN I can't read in the car. I get a bit vomy. Austin burps and swallows it. AUSTIN Got it. I almost gipped. BASIL EXPOSITION (V.O.) Our data indicates that Dr. Evil is in the year 1969. Luckily, we also have a time travel device. After years of research we've developed a machine that will transport you back to the Sixties. A bright overhead light comes on spotlighting a brand new VOLKSWAGEN BEETLE CONVERTIBLE, painted up psychedelic by Peter Max. AUSTIN But Basil, isn't that the new Volkswagen Beetle? BASIL EXPOSITION That's what they'd like you to believe. AUSTIN So, Basil, if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967, I could go look at my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the 90's and traveled back to the Sixties? (goes cross-eyed) Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed. BASIL EXPOSITION (to camera) I suggest you don't worry about those things and just enjoy yourself. Austin gets into the car and turns it on. AUSTIN This is smashing Basil. I'll go back to the Sixties, recharge my mojo, defeat Dr. Evil and be back in time for tea. BASIL EXPOSITION Good luck, Austin. AUSTIN Luck has nothing to do with it, Basil. Austin steps on the gas. The car lurches in reverse and smashes some equipment. AUSTIN Sorry. (changing gears) Swinging Sixties, here I come, baby, yeah! The car takes off, heading for the wall. It DISAPPEARS, leaving flaming tread marks. FLASH CUT TO: EXT. STREET - LONDON - The Beetle time machine appears out of nowhere and screeches to a stop. A London HIPPIE smoking a hukka watches. He throws the hukka down. Austin hops out. AUSTIN I feel better already, man! Austin smiles and we see that his teeth are back to being TERRIBLE. He walks off as a crowd gathers around the car. EXT. PARK - LONDON Austin enters the park in high spirits. We PULL BACK to see that Austin is being watched through binoculars by a big ARYAN ASSASSIN. PULL BACK FURTHER to reveal a beautiful MYSTERIOUS WOMAN watching both of them. From this distance we can't tell who she is. A sign reads "BE-IN FOR PEACE". HIPPIES, MODS, and FREAKS of all descriptions dance to the music of a PSYCHEDELIC BAND. The band's name is on the drum kit: "MING TEA." AUSTIN Alright, baby, a swinging shin-dig! Austin gets into the dancing, quickly becoming the center of the scene. The lead singer of the band invites him on stage and hands him the microphone as the band starts a new song: "SEXUAL REVOLUTION." Austin begins singing and a choreographed musical number begins involving the outdoor crowd a la Bob Fosse's Sweet Charity or Hair. AUSTIN (singing) 'THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION, YOU CAN FEEL IT IN THE AIR. PEOPLE SHAGGING JUST LIKE WEASELS AND THEY JUST DON'T SEEM TO CARE. Hip-thrusting young MOD FREAKS Fosse-hump rhythmically. AUSTIN (singing) HEY, WATCH OUT SQUARES... YOU MAKES US BORED! THE PENIS IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD Austin does various groovy dance moves like THE ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOT and THE HEAVYWEIGHT. AUSTIN (singing) THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION AND YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET PEOPLE SHAGGING IN THE CLUBS AND INSIDE A JUMBO JET Forty Austins appear in a KALEIDOSCOPE EFFECT. AUSTIN (singing) HEY SQUARE WORLD THE END IS NIGH. WHEN WE SAY HUMP YOU SAY 'HOW HIGH?' Three GROOVY CHICKS behind Austin suddenly have tambourines for the big finale. The assassin and the mysterious woman are both in the audience, keeping an eye on Austin. All we see of the woman are shots of her BOOTS, CLOTHES, and a FEMALE SYMBOL MEDALLION. AUSTIN (singing) SO GO MAKE LOVE OR MASTURBATE-- SEXUAL FREEDOM WILL NEVER BE OUT OF DAAAAAAAAAAATE! Austin holds the note an improbably long time, arms outstretched. The dancers crouch-walk towards the camera. EVERYONE (chanting) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (shouting) IT'S THE SIXTIES! The SONG ENDS and all the dancers end up on one knee with their arms outstretched, panting. Austin breathes heavily and smiles smugly like Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance. We are TIGHT ON Austin's ass. PULL BACK to see that it is the MYSTERIOUS WOMAN who is watching Austin's ass. She SMILES behind the binoculars hiding her face. 37 EXT. CARNABY ST. Austin walks down the street looking at his new BEATLES ALBUM. Sitting in a parked Citroen watching him is the ASSASSIN. The Aryan assassin nods to a SHOE-SHINE on the street. The shoe-shine boy nods to a BUSINESS MAN in a Homburg. The business man nods to a BOBBY. The bobby nods to a WOMAN WITH A BABY CARRIAGE. The woman with a baby carriage nods to a MIME. The mime nods to a BLIND BEGGAR with a tin cup. The blind beggar nods to a CARPENTER on a roof. The carpenter FLASHES A LIGHT to an INDIAN CHIEF. The Indian Chief gives a SMOKE SIGNAL to a TELEGRAPH OPERATOR. The telegraph operator sends a signal to the BEEFEATER GUARD. The Beefeater salutes with his pike to a SEXY TICKET COLLECTOR on a double-decker bus. The sexy ticket collector signals a TAXI DRIVER. The taxi driver nods back to the assassin as he drives by. INT. CITROEN The assassin gets the signal and starts the car. The whole nodding sequence was a circular waste of time. EXT. STREET - VARIOUS ANGLES Austin walks along. Suddenly, he sees the Citroen coming at him. He dives out of the way and takes off running. He rounds a corner and pretends to be a COUPLE MAKING OUT against a wall by hugging himself. The assassin sees him and slams on the brakes. He raises his gun. Austin turns as he hears a car HONK. It's Austin's BEETLE CONVERTIBLE. The mysterious woman steps out. We see her in her entirety for the first time, and what a sight it is. She has long auburn hair and wears a tight racing suit, unzipped just enough to show the female symbol medallion. She is FELICITY SHAGWELL. MUSIC: FELICITY'S THEME FELICITY Care for a ride? AUSTIN That's my Beetle, baby. FELICITY It was your Beetle. Get in. Austin dives in as the assassin FIRES. The car speeds off. INT. BEETLE (REAR PROJECTION) Felicity drives expertly. FELICITY Austin Powers, I presume? AUSTIN Powers by name, Powers by reputation. FELICITY Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Shagwell by name, Shag-very-Well by reputation. AUSTIN (turning to camera) Crazy, baby! EXT. ROAD The Beetle zips along, and then-- the Citroen appears behind it. The assassin FIRES. INT. BEETLE Felicity turns around to look. FELICITY Grab the wheel, would you? Austin grabs the wheel and Felicity pulls a gun. She turns and FIRES out the window. EXT. ROAD The assassin's tire BLOWS. The car skids towards a Cliff and he jumps out as it goes over. EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN The car goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it EXPLODES. EXT. CLIFF The assassin hangs on to a branch with one hand. He falls. ASSASSIN Ahhhhhhhh! EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN Same shot as the car: The assassin's body goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it, too, EXPLODES. FELICITY Well, Austin, I think this time you may have met your match. AUSTIN Oh, I've beaten Dr. Evil before, and I'll beat him again. FELICITY I was talking about me. She smiles, turns, and walks away. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD The room is dark, with only a single spotlight providing illumination. Suddenly, Austin and Felicity rise on an elevator into the middle of the spotlight. AUSTIN Welcome to my shag pad, baby. Light floods the pad, revealing hanging basket chairs, Hi- fi, and Warhol silk screens of Austin. Austin blows DUST off a table. AUSTIN Care for something to drink? Austin hits a button and a bookcase revolves to reveal a wetbar. AUSTIN Or perhaps something to read? Austin walks seductively over to the real wetbar and hits a button. It revolves to reveal a bookcase. AUSTIN How about a hot cup of coffee? FELICITY Yes, I rather fancy a grind. AUSTIN Oh, Behave! Austin hits a button and an automatic coffee-pourer pours a cup. MUSIC: Girl from Impenema by JOBIM AUSTIN Would you like a... mas-sage? A sensssual mas-sage? Austin hits a button and a series of actions take place: the floor opens up to reveal a sunken bed; red gels slide into place over the lamps; a painting slides back to reveal a reel-to-reel; an end table revolves to reveal a selection of massage oils. Felicity lies on her stomach. Austin begins to massage her. AUSTIN How does that feel, baby? FELICITY Mmm, lower. AUSTIN (lowering his voice) HOW DOES THAT FEEL, BABY? They laugh. Austin continues to massage her. FELICITY Wait, something's itching me. She reaches behind her and unties the strap of her evening dress, revealing her naked back. FELICITY That's better. AUSTIN Crikey!!! Austin GULPS and accidentally spurts way too much oil on her. AUSTIN Sorry. Austin continues the back rub and Felicity stretches out on the bed. AUSTIN (talking to his crotch) Hello, anyone home? C'mon lads, do it for England. Austin takes a peak-- nothing. He is panicked. FELICITY Oh, that was so relaxing. Felicity stretches very sexily. AUSTIN Would you 'like to see my etchings? FELICITY (sexy) I think I'm ready for bed. She moves close to Austin. He slides to the other side of the bed. AUSTIN I'll get you some PJs. FELICITY No, I'm ready for bed. She moves over to him. He avoids her. AUSTIN Oh, you'll want to clean your teeth then. Austin holds up toothpaste and toothbrush. Felicity finally grabs him and pins him to the bed. FELICITY No, I want to have sex with you, Austin. AUSTIN Hello Vicar! FELICITY I've studied everything about you- your methods, your accomplishments, your preferences. You're the reason I became a spy. Now, I've waited two years to meet you, so I say we get busy making up for lost time. Austin sits up. AUSTIN (reflective) Felicity, I used to think that way, too, but I guess... I guess I've changed. Not to make a short story long, or to ramble on and on, or to keep talking in a repetitive manner ad infinitum until it becomes impossible to remember what I was talking about in the first place, but- where was I? MUSIC: SAD INSTRUMENTAL AUSTIN Oh yes. Felicity, I can't shag you. I've lost my mojo. FELICITY (obviously disappointed) Oh. AUSTIN I thought coming back to the Sixties would bring it back, but it hasn't. FELICITY Austin, don't worry. I know just the man to help you. He's my guru. Ringo recommended him and he's the best. AUSTIN I'll warm up the Jumbo Jet, baby! EXT. AUSTIN'S PSYCHEDELIC JUMBO JET Austin's plane in flight. EXT. INDIA - STOCK FOOTAGE EXT./INT. BEETLE Austin and Felicity drive against obvious rear screen projection of India. INT. ASHRAM It looks like a mosque, with incense, tapestries, and DISCIPLES. Austin and Felicity enter. MUSIC: SITAR FELICITY There he is. That's my guru. We see the GURU PITKA (played by Mike), an Indian man in a bright red sari. FELICITY Guru, I'd like you to meet Austin Powers. AUSTIN How are you baby? GURU PITKA My chakras are aligned and I am in a perfect state of equipoise. AUSTIN Good on ya. I don't know what that means but it sounds fab. FELICITY Guru, we need some advice. GURU PITKA Hold your horses and any other beasts- of burden. I must lead my disciples in meditation and then I will help you. The Guru walks to the front of the room and the disciples sink to their knees. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA My name is the Guru Pitka. I am a spiritual teacher and I have combined many disparate disciplines into a unified movement of human potentiality and equipoise that I learned from my guru, the late Guru Shastri, a chaste man who died mysteriously of a disease that strangely had all the hallmarks of syphilis. He would say to me, Sparky, love is all, life is breath. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA Now, perhaps you are wondering where I got the nickname Sparky. Well, when we were young we used to play a game called "Stinkmop". We would urinate into a bucket, dip a mop into it, and play tag. I did not care for "Stinkmop" and a very wise old man said to me 'oh lighten up, Sparky', and I don't know, the name kind of stuck. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhhh... GURU PITKA Now, the reason I am a spiritualist instead of a therapist is that 'therapist' often becomes 'the rapist' and that will not help us attain potentiality. Now what is potentiality? It is the ability to achieve those goals that we wish to achieve for ourselves. People often say to me that they feel "nowhere", and I am going to change that to "Now here." The guru holds up a card which says "NOWHERE = NOW HERE!" DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh... GURU PITKA And you have many assumptions about your goals, but when you "assume" You make an "ass" out of "u" and "me". Guru holds up a card which says "ASSUME = ASS - U - ME." DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh.... GURU PITKA The being, or that which we call 'ourselves', is not the tinker. It is not the taughts. It is the Gap between the tinker and the taughts! We are not our mind, we are not our body, we are the Gap! Guru holds up a card that says "NOT TINKER, NOT TAUGHTS, BUT THE GAP" with the familiar Gap font. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA (rapid fire) The heart of the matter is that you are the heart of the matter. There is no "I" in "team". Beer before liquor, never sicker. Don't take a wooden nickel. If your pipe is short and your pump is weak, you better stand close or you'll piss on your feet. He who goes to bed with itchy bum wakes up with smelly finger. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA Finally, the path to spiritual awakening requires the death of ego. Leggo of my ego! Let us end with the mantra: Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. DISCIPLES (chanting) Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. The Guru takes a swig of Yoo-Hoo. GURU PITKA Go with God, and pay at the door please. The disciples file out. Austin and Felicity approach. GURU PITKA How can I help you? AUSTIN Guru, I'm having trouble performing. GURU PITKA What do you mean? AUSTIN You know- my bits and pieces are a bit sleepy. GURU PITKA I'm not understanding. AUSTIN I've forgotten the steps to the Mummy- Daddy dance. GURU PITKA Still not clear. AUSTIN My flag's at half mast and no one will salute it. GURU PITKA Sorry? AUSTIN My Willie don't work. GURU PITKA Why are you beating around the bush? AUSTIN That's my problem. GURU PITKA Ohhhhh, I get it. (beat) No, I don't get it. FELICITY He's impotent! AUSTIN Alright, easy. (to Guru) Felicity and I were all set for some hump Olympics and I couldn't bat for six. GURU PITKA Oh, yes, I see. AUSTIN You have no idea what I'm saying, do you? GURU PITKA Not a word. AUSTIN Guru, I've lost my mojo. GURU PITKA Oh, mojo! You should have said so. Well, you've lost your mojo because your chakras are misaligned. You have lost love. AUSTIN Lost love? Oh, you mean Vanessa? FELICITY Who's Vanessa? AUSTIN She was an evil robot minion of Dr. Evil. I couldn't have loved her. GURU PITKA Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, buddy. You will only get your mojo back when you surround yourself with love. AUSTIN Oh, I get what you're saying now! He's talking about free love, baby! Tune in, turn on, and drop out! GURU PITKA I am talking about true love. You must stay and study until you are worthy. AUSTIN No way, man. The only way to surround yourself with love is to throw a swinging shin-dig! Yeah, baby, yeah! INT. DR.EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR Dr. Evil and Frau are interrupted by the man we now know as FAT BASTARD. He is foul-mouthed, and when he swears he is bleeped. DR. EVIL Well done, Fat Bastard. May I have the mojo? FAT BASTARD First things first, where's your shitter? I've gotta bleepin, turtle head pokin' out. DR. EVIL (disgusted) Right. Charming. Fat Bastard- you don't mind me calling you Fat Bastard do you? FAT BASTARD I've got a lot of demons kickin' around in my noggin, but weight issues ain't one of them. DR. EVIL Alright, Fatty- FAT BASTARD The name is Fat Bastard! I'm the incorrect weight for my height and I was born out of wedlock, hence the moniker Fat Bastard. Hey, I'm not kiddin'. I've got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey. DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, the mojo? FAT BASTARD Where's my (bleeping) money? DR. EVIL A gentlemen never discusses money. FAT BASTARD Fine, you can take your (bleep)in' money and shove it up your (bleep), you stupid (bleeping) prick! While you're at it you can suck my greasy, two-toned (bleep)! DR. EVIL (pause) Vulgarity is no substitute for wit. FAT BASTARD (Bleep) you! DR. EVIL Right. Bring in the money. Dr. Evil PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIERS drive in a forklift loaded with gold bars. FAT BASTARD Alright, here it is. Fat Bastard slowly draws out the high-tech syringe full of MOJO. Dr. Evil is mesmerized. DR. EVIL Mini-Me, fetch. Mini-Me runs and snatches the mojo from Fat Bastard and gives it to Dr. Evil, who caresses it and places it on a SPECIALLY PREPARED PEDESTAL. NUMBER TWO enters. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I have some bad news. Austin Powers is back in the Sixties. One of our best assassins spotted him but he got away. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous, we have his mojo. NUMBER TWO There is another. Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Suddenly, Scott Evil enters through TIME PORTAL. DR. EVIL Scott, what are you doing here? SCOTT I don't know, I was sitting around watching the tube and The Courtship of Eddie's Father came on Nick at Nite, you know, and I was just listening to that theme song-- (hums/sings the theme) Anyway it made me think that maybe we could try and work things out. You know, you are my Dad and I need you. DR. EVIL You had your chance, Scott. I already have someone created in my image. He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins. (looking around) Has anyone seen Mini-Me? (calling out) Mini-Me! Mini-Mouse? Mini-Driver? Hello! Mini Pearl? Can we put a frickin' bell on him or something? Scott, very hurt, sits back in his chair and sulks. Dr. Evil hits a button and a model moon and a model earth descend. DR. EVIL Gentlemen, phase three. We place a giant laser on the moon. Let me demonstrate. (beat) Where's my laser? Dr. Evil looks around and sees Mini-Me gnawing on the model laser. Dr. Evil takes it from his mouth DR. EVIL Mini-Me, don't chew my laser. (to room) Not feeling well. He has an ear infection, but tit's OK. (pause) No? Nothing? (back to model) Anyway, the laser is powerful enough to destroy every city on the planet at will. We'll turn the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star". Scott SNICKERS. DR. EVIL What? SCOTT (snickering again) Nothing Darth. DR. EVIL What did you call me? SCOTT Nothing. (pretends to sneeze) Rip-off! DR. EVIL (unsure) Bless you? Anyways, since my "death star" laser was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist, Dr. Parsons. I thought we'd name it in his honor-- the Alan Parsons Project. Scott SNICKERS again. DR. EVIL What now? SCOTT The Alan Parsons Project was a progressive rock band from 1982. Why don't you just name it Operation Wang Chung, ass? DR. EVIL (indicating laser) When you get your own evil empire, you can call it whatever you want. Gentlemen, allow me to demonstrate the awesome lethality of the Alan Parsons Project. Fire the laser! INSERT SHOT: A giant laser beam smashes down through the roof of the White House, causing it to explode. Everyone is shocked by the laser's power. NUMBER TWO My God, Dr. Evil, you destroyed the Wihite House with no warning! DR. EVIL Actually, that was just footage from the 1996 blockbuster motion Picture Independence Day, but it would be a lot like that. What do you think, Scott? SCOTT Yeah, Codename: Thompson Twins was really impressive. DR. EVIL Shhhh! SCOTT I'm nineteen, I don't- DR. EVIL Shh! Shh-Shh. Shh-Shhhhhh-Shh. Shh- shh! It's Morse code. (reading imaginary paper) Let me decipher... it says 'shhhhh!' SCOTT You are so lame- DR. EVIL (like Electric Company) Ssssss...huuuuuh...Shhhhh! NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, what are we going to do about Powers? DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, in addition to being extremely rotund, you're a vicious killer. Take care of it. FAT BASTARD It'll be my pleasure. DR. EVIL It's an easy job. Without his mojo, Powers will be...powerless? INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT A party, packed with dancing freaks of every stripe, is in full swing. A girl dances in an oversized birdcage. AUSTIN This shag-in is gonna blow your mind, baby, yeah! The party sequence is shot like Laugh-In. Very fast cuts to the music. Austin sees a VERY PREGNANT WOMAN drinking a martini and smoking. He gently lifts her drink and cigarette away from her. PREGNANT WOMAN Hey! AUSTIN You'll thank me later, baby. Another angle. Austin and Felicity dancing. AUSTIN (noticing someone) Hey! Ricardo Monteblan, how are you? We see RICARDO MONTEBLAN -smoking a hukka on a round chair. RICARDO Hello, Austin! Balls, said the queen and the king laughed because he had too. AUSTIN (to camera) Crazy, man! FELICITY Let's split up and scope the scene. AUSTIN Don't do anything I wouldn't do- at least not without me. Felicity slaps Austin on the butt as he walks off. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: Austin at the bar with an exotic-looking mod chick. AUSTIN (to chick) You're very exotic, baby. Do you have a little English in you? CHICK No. AUSTIN Would you like to? CUT TO: An Alan Zeus-type very gay guy. ALAN ZEUS GUY (rolling his eyes) This is ridiculous! CUT TO: A LONDON COP and Felicity are on hanging chairs. LONDON COP Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz? FELICITY No, but I bet it really hurts. CUT TO: A GUY IN A RAINCOAT on a tricycle, shot undercranked, rides through the party and falls over. CUT TO: Austin pops into frame with a book that says "AUSTIN POWERS SEXY DICTIONARY". AUSTIN The Austin Powers Sexy Dictionary defines an Eskimo hooker as a frosty prosty. CUT TO: An eskimo at the bar in a fur parka. ESKIMO (to camera) I don't get it. CUT TO: The camera pans up Felicity's cool hip-huggers, which are very tight. AUSTIN Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants, baby? FELICITY Well you can start by buying me a drink. Austin does a spit take. CUT TO: Felicity with a VIKING. VIKING You were great last night. By the way, I'm Thor. FELICITY You're Thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly thit. CUT TO: Austin is wearing a silly spiked German helmet like in Hogan's Heroes. AUSTIN (German accent) Hello, I am Baron Von Firstinbed. Last night I had German-Chinese food. An hour later I was hungry- for power. CUT TO: ZEUS GUY Oh puh-leez, why don't you take a handful of F-off pills? CUT TO: AUSTIN Did you hear about the contortionist who was engaged to be married? FELICITY Yeah, I heard she broke it off. CUT TO: Film running backwards of Austin doing a spit take. CUT TO: ARTIE JOHNSON in German helmet behind a plant. ARTIE JOHNSON Verrrrry interesting- but shtupid! CUT TO: Austin takes his glasses off to clean them. We see his POV, which is totally fuzzy. He looks over and sees what appears to be a NUDE GIRL- two round globes and dark triangle. Austin puts his glasses on and looks again. It is actually a girl in a flesh-colored dress. In between her and Austin were two COMPLETELY BALD MEN and a triangular martini glass filled with a Cosmopolitan. CUT TO: Cut to Austin and Felicity together again. FELICITY Look at that. She points to where Fat Bastard and his companion are standing. AUSTIN That's not a pretty sight. Who is he? FELICITY Until recently he worked security for the MOD, but we think he might be a double agent, possibly for Dr. Evil. AUSTIN How do you know? FELICITY We've noticed that his lifestyle has changed dramatically. He's made a lot of cash purchases, he's hanging out with foxes half his age, and he's becomes quite a fixture on the London party circuit. AUSTIN Who's the girl? FELICITY I don't know, but it looks like he's splitting. Fat Bastard exits. FELICITY I'll follow him. You see what you can get out of the girl. We'll rendezvous later. Felicity follows Fat Bastard out the door. Austin makes his way over to the girl. AUSTIN Hello, hello. GIRL Hello, Mr. Powers. Fab party. AUSTIN Who are you today, baby? GIRL Robin. Robin Swallows. AUSTIN Swallows? That's an interesting name. Are you English? ROBIN SWALLOWS German, actually. My maiden name is Spitz. AUSTIN Well which is it, baby, Spitz or Swallows? Either way, it's a pleasure. ROBIN SWALLOWS The pleasure is mine. She extends her hand. Austin takes it and shakes. As he shakes, her cleavage undulates like jello. Austin is transfixed and keeps shaking far too long. AUSTIN Charmed, I'm sure. (still shaking, her breasts jiggle) How do you do? (still shaking, jiggling) Yes, quite. (shakes, jiggles) I always enjoy meeting new people. (shakes, jiggles) How's your mum? Good. (shakes, jiggles) I love shaking hands. Austin. is shaking her hand so vigorously that she is in danger of popping out of her dress. AUSTIN (snapping out of it) So, who was your friend? ROBIN SWALLOWS His name is Fat Bastard. AUSTIN It suits him. ROBIN SWALLOWS He's my lover. Austin is grossed out. AUSTIN OK. Would you happen to know if he's in business with a man named Mr. Evil? ROBIN SWALLOWS I don't know anyone named Dr. Evil. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Evil. Austin does a smug take. AUSTIN Something to drink? Would you like a Mister Pepper? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes, I'd love a Doctor Pepper. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Pepper. Austin does another smug take. Robin grabs Austin and pulls him close. ROBIN SWALLOWS You're a groovy boy, I'd like to strap you on sometime. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: ALAN ZEUS-TYPE GUY IN LIMBO ALAN ZEUS TYPE Meanwhile... BACK TO: EXT. FISH AND CHIPS STAND - NIGHT Literally a window in a wall. Fat Bastard is placing his order. FAT BASTARD ...and I'll have a fried-prawn sandwich, with extra mayonnaise, two whole chickens, a kidney pie, a toad in the hole, bubble and squeak, bangers and mash, 3 orders of fish and chips, and... a Fresca. No ice. We pan to see Felicity beside him. FELICITY I love a man with a large appetite. FAT BASTARD And I love a woman with big (bleeps), so let's shut up and get to (bleep)ing. Felicity swallows hard and forces a smile. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT AUSTIN Can I ask you a question? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes. AUSTIN Thank you. Beat. ROBIN SWALLOWS Well, what's the question? AUSTIN Oh, yes. Would you like to shag? Would you? ROBIN SWALLOWS I'd love to, Mr. Powers, just come right... over... here. Robin moves Austin into place as they dance. AUSTIN You're a bit of alright. Just then, Austin looks into her eyes and sees the REFLECTION OF AN ASSASSIN (Oedipus) about to throw a knife. Just as he throws it, Austin spins Robin Swallows around and USES HER AS A SHIELD. She takes the knife squarely in the back. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the revolver. Oedipus pulls out a pistol and begins FIRING. Austin continues to use Robin AS A SHIELD. She takes six hits. Oedipus runs out of bullets. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the machine gun. Oedipus pulls out a machine gun and FIRES. In a Robert Rodriquez- like flurry of events, Austin dodges while still USING HER AS

care

How many times the word 'care' appears in the text?

BASIL EXPOSITION Agent Haggerty was the test, Austin. Not only were you actually reading an article in that Playboy, but a candy-stripe nurse offering to give you a sponge bath didn't so much as turn your head. AUSTIN Wait, I can explain, man! I was going to shag her but the article was so fascinating-- BASIL EXPOSITION I'm sorry, Austin, I'm afraid it's true: you've lost your mojo. Basil shows Austin the mojometer, which reads EMPTY. AUSTIN (crushed) Without my mojo, I'm useless to the Ministry and to Her Majesty. I think it's time to retire. BASIL EXPOSITION I'm afraid that's not possible, Austin. You see, Dr. Evil has returned. AUSTIN Again? BASIL EXPOSITION Again. INT. MOD - TIME-TRAVEL ROOM Austin and Basil ride on the back of a golf cart through the largest room you've ever seen in your life. BASIL EXPOSITION We have evidence that Dr. Evil has developed a time machine. Basil shows Austin altered photos of Dr. Evil with famous villains, such as Sadam, Nixon, and Donald Trump. BASIL EXPOSITION Our researcher noticed that these photos from the archives have changed. That means Dr. Evil is traveling back in time and creating alliances with each decade's most despised villains. Austin tries to read them and gets queasy. AUSTIN I can't read in the car. I get a bit vomy. Austin burps and swallows it. AUSTIN Got it. I almost gipped. BASIL EXPOSITION (V.O.) Our data indicates that Dr. Evil is in the year 1969. Luckily, we also have a time travel device. After years of research we've developed a machine that will transport you back to the Sixties. A bright overhead light comes on spotlighting a brand new VOLKSWAGEN BEETLE CONVERTIBLE, painted up psychedelic by Peter Max. AUSTIN But Basil, isn't that the new Volkswagen Beetle? BASIL EXPOSITION That's what they'd like you to believe. AUSTIN So, Basil, if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967, I could go look at my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the 90's and traveled back to the Sixties? (goes cross-eyed) Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed. BASIL EXPOSITION (to camera) I suggest you don't worry about those things and just enjoy yourself. Austin gets into the car and turns it on. AUSTIN This is smashing Basil. I'll go back to the Sixties, recharge my mojo, defeat Dr. Evil and be back in time for tea. BASIL EXPOSITION Good luck, Austin. AUSTIN Luck has nothing to do with it, Basil. Austin steps on the gas. The car lurches in reverse and smashes some equipment. AUSTIN Sorry. (changing gears) Swinging Sixties, here I come, baby, yeah! The car takes off, heading for the wall. It DISAPPEARS, leaving flaming tread marks. FLASH CUT TO: EXT. STREET - LONDON - The Beetle time machine appears out of nowhere and screeches to a stop. A London HIPPIE smoking a hukka watches. He throws the hukka down. Austin hops out. AUSTIN I feel better already, man! Austin smiles and we see that his teeth are back to being TERRIBLE. He walks off as a crowd gathers around the car. EXT. PARK - LONDON Austin enters the park in high spirits. We PULL BACK to see that Austin is being watched through binoculars by a big ARYAN ASSASSIN. PULL BACK FURTHER to reveal a beautiful MYSTERIOUS WOMAN watching both of them. From this distance we can't tell who she is. A sign reads "BE-IN FOR PEACE". HIPPIES, MODS, and FREAKS of all descriptions dance to the music of a PSYCHEDELIC BAND. The band's name is on the drum kit: "MING TEA." AUSTIN Alright, baby, a swinging shin-dig! Austin gets into the dancing, quickly becoming the center of the scene. The lead singer of the band invites him on stage and hands him the microphone as the band starts a new song: "SEXUAL REVOLUTION." Austin begins singing and a choreographed musical number begins involving the outdoor crowd a la Bob Fosse's Sweet Charity or Hair. AUSTIN (singing) 'THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION, YOU CAN FEEL IT IN THE AIR. PEOPLE SHAGGING JUST LIKE WEASELS AND THEY JUST DON'T SEEM TO CARE. Hip-thrusting young MOD FREAKS Fosse-hump rhythmically. AUSTIN (singing) HEY, WATCH OUT SQUARES... YOU MAKES US BORED! THE PENIS IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD Austin does various groovy dance moves like THE ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOT and THE HEAVYWEIGHT. AUSTIN (singing) THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION AND YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET PEOPLE SHAGGING IN THE CLUBS AND INSIDE A JUMBO JET Forty Austins appear in a KALEIDOSCOPE EFFECT. AUSTIN (singing) HEY SQUARE WORLD THE END IS NIGH. WHEN WE SAY HUMP YOU SAY 'HOW HIGH?' Three GROOVY CHICKS behind Austin suddenly have tambourines for the big finale. The assassin and the mysterious woman are both in the audience, keeping an eye on Austin. All we see of the woman are shots of her BOOTS, CLOTHES, and a FEMALE SYMBOL MEDALLION. AUSTIN (singing) SO GO MAKE LOVE OR MASTURBATE-- SEXUAL FREEDOM WILL NEVER BE OUT OF DAAAAAAAAAAATE! Austin holds the note an improbably long time, arms outstretched. The dancers crouch-walk towards the camera. EVERYONE (chanting) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (shouting) IT'S THE SIXTIES! The SONG ENDS and all the dancers end up on one knee with their arms outstretched, panting. Austin breathes heavily and smiles smugly like Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance. We are TIGHT ON Austin's ass. PULL BACK to see that it is the MYSTERIOUS WOMAN who is watching Austin's ass. She SMILES behind the binoculars hiding her face. 37 EXT. CARNABY ST. Austin walks down the street looking at his new BEATLES ALBUM. Sitting in a parked Citroen watching him is the ASSASSIN. The Aryan assassin nods to a SHOE-SHINE on the street. The shoe-shine boy nods to a BUSINESS MAN in a Homburg. The business man nods to a BOBBY. The bobby nods to a WOMAN WITH A BABY CARRIAGE. The woman with a baby carriage nods to a MIME. The mime nods to a BLIND BEGGAR with a tin cup. The blind beggar nods to a CARPENTER on a roof. The carpenter FLASHES A LIGHT to an INDIAN CHIEF. The Indian Chief gives a SMOKE SIGNAL to a TELEGRAPH OPERATOR. The telegraph operator sends a signal to the BEEFEATER GUARD. The Beefeater salutes with his pike to a SEXY TICKET COLLECTOR on a double-decker bus. The sexy ticket collector signals a TAXI DRIVER. The taxi driver nods back to the assassin as he drives by. INT. CITROEN The assassin gets the signal and starts the car. The whole nodding sequence was a circular waste of time. EXT. STREET - VARIOUS ANGLES Austin walks along. Suddenly, he sees the Citroen coming at him. He dives out of the way and takes off running. He rounds a corner and pretends to be a COUPLE MAKING OUT against a wall by hugging himself. The assassin sees him and slams on the brakes. He raises his gun. Austin turns as he hears a car HONK. It's Austin's BEETLE CONVERTIBLE. The mysterious woman steps out. We see her in her entirety for the first time, and what a sight it is. She has long auburn hair and wears a tight racing suit, unzipped just enough to show the female symbol medallion. She is FELICITY SHAGWELL. MUSIC: FELICITY'S THEME FELICITY Care for a ride? AUSTIN That's my Beetle, baby. FELICITY It was your Beetle. Get in. Austin dives in as the assassin FIRES. The car speeds off. INT. BEETLE (REAR PROJECTION) Felicity drives expertly. FELICITY Austin Powers, I presume? AUSTIN Powers by name, Powers by reputation. FELICITY Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Shagwell by name, Shag-very-Well by reputation. AUSTIN (turning to camera) Crazy, baby! EXT. ROAD The Beetle zips along, and then-- the Citroen appears behind it. The assassin FIRES. INT. BEETLE Felicity turns around to look. FELICITY Grab the wheel, would you? Austin grabs the wheel and Felicity pulls a gun. She turns and FIRES out the window. EXT. ROAD The assassin's tire BLOWS. The car skids towards a Cliff and he jumps out as it goes over. EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN The car goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it EXPLODES. EXT. CLIFF The assassin hangs on to a branch with one hand. He falls. ASSASSIN Ahhhhhhhh! EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN Same shot as the car: The assassin's body goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it, too, EXPLODES. FELICITY Well, Austin, I think this time you may have met your match. AUSTIN Oh, I've beaten Dr. Evil before, and I'll beat him again. FELICITY I was talking about me. She smiles, turns, and walks away. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD The room is dark, with only a single spotlight providing illumination. Suddenly, Austin and Felicity rise on an elevator into the middle of the spotlight. AUSTIN Welcome to my shag pad, baby. Light floods the pad, revealing hanging basket chairs, Hi- fi, and Warhol silk screens of Austin. Austin blows DUST off a table. AUSTIN Care for something to drink? Austin hits a button and a bookcase revolves to reveal a wetbar. AUSTIN Or perhaps something to read? Austin walks seductively over to the real wetbar and hits a button. It revolves to reveal a bookcase. AUSTIN How about a hot cup of coffee? FELICITY Yes, I rather fancy a grind. AUSTIN Oh, Behave! Austin hits a button and an automatic coffee-pourer pours a cup. MUSIC: Girl from Impenema by JOBIM AUSTIN Would you like a... mas-sage? A sensssual mas-sage? Austin hits a button and a series of actions take place: the floor opens up to reveal a sunken bed; red gels slide into place over the lamps; a painting slides back to reveal a reel-to-reel; an end table revolves to reveal a selection of massage oils. Felicity lies on her stomach. Austin begins to massage her. AUSTIN How does that feel, baby? FELICITY Mmm, lower. AUSTIN (lowering his voice) HOW DOES THAT FEEL, BABY? They laugh. Austin continues to massage her. FELICITY Wait, something's itching me. She reaches behind her and unties the strap of her evening dress, revealing her naked back. FELICITY That's better. AUSTIN Crikey!!! Austin GULPS and accidentally spurts way too much oil on her. AUSTIN Sorry. Austin continues the back rub and Felicity stretches out on the bed. AUSTIN (talking to his crotch) Hello, anyone home? C'mon lads, do it for England. Austin takes a peak-- nothing. He is panicked. FELICITY Oh, that was so relaxing. Felicity stretches very sexily. AUSTIN Would you 'like to see my etchings? FELICITY (sexy) I think I'm ready for bed. She moves close to Austin. He slides to the other side of the bed. AUSTIN I'll get you some PJs. FELICITY No, I'm ready for bed. She moves over to him. He avoids her. AUSTIN Oh, you'll want to clean your teeth then. Austin holds up toothpaste and toothbrush. Felicity finally grabs him and pins him to the bed. FELICITY No, I want to have sex with you, Austin. AUSTIN Hello Vicar! FELICITY I've studied everything about you- your methods, your accomplishments, your preferences. You're the reason I became a spy. Now, I've waited two years to meet you, so I say we get busy making up for lost time. Austin sits up. AUSTIN (reflective) Felicity, I used to think that way, too, but I guess... I guess I've changed. Not to make a short story long, or to ramble on and on, or to keep talking in a repetitive manner ad infinitum until it becomes impossible to remember what I was talking about in the first place, but- where was I? MUSIC: SAD INSTRUMENTAL AUSTIN Oh yes. Felicity, I can't shag you. I've lost my mojo. FELICITY (obviously disappointed) Oh. AUSTIN I thought coming back to the Sixties would bring it back, but it hasn't. FELICITY Austin, don't worry. I know just the man to help you. He's my guru. Ringo recommended him and he's the best. AUSTIN I'll warm up the Jumbo Jet, baby! EXT. AUSTIN'S PSYCHEDELIC JUMBO JET Austin's plane in flight. EXT. INDIA - STOCK FOOTAGE EXT./INT. BEETLE Austin and Felicity drive against obvious rear screen projection of India. INT. ASHRAM It looks like a mosque, with incense, tapestries, and DISCIPLES. Austin and Felicity enter. MUSIC: SITAR FELICITY There he is. That's my guru. We see the GURU PITKA (played by Mike), an Indian man in a bright red sari. FELICITY Guru, I'd like you to meet Austin Powers. AUSTIN How are you baby? GURU PITKA My chakras are aligned and I am in a perfect state of equipoise. AUSTIN Good on ya. I don't know what that means but it sounds fab. FELICITY Guru, we need some advice. GURU PITKA Hold your horses and any other beasts- of burden. I must lead my disciples in meditation and then I will help you. The Guru walks to the front of the room and the disciples sink to their knees. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA My name is the Guru Pitka. I am a spiritual teacher and I have combined many disparate disciplines into a unified movement of human potentiality and equipoise that I learned from my guru, the late Guru Shastri, a chaste man who died mysteriously of a disease that strangely had all the hallmarks of syphilis. He would say to me, Sparky, love is all, life is breath. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA Now, perhaps you are wondering where I got the nickname Sparky. Well, when we were young we used to play a game called "Stinkmop". We would urinate into a bucket, dip a mop into it, and play tag. I did not care for "Stinkmop" and a very wise old man said to me 'oh lighten up, Sparky', and I don't know, the name kind of stuck. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhhh... GURU PITKA Now, the reason I am a spiritualist instead of a therapist is that 'therapist' often becomes 'the rapist' and that will not help us attain potentiality. Now what is potentiality? It is the ability to achieve those goals that we wish to achieve for ourselves. People often say to me that they feel "nowhere", and I am going to change that to "Now here." The guru holds up a card which says "NOWHERE = NOW HERE!" DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh... GURU PITKA And you have many assumptions about your goals, but when you "assume" You make an "ass" out of "u" and "me". Guru holds up a card which says "ASSUME = ASS - U - ME." DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh.... GURU PITKA The being, or that which we call 'ourselves', is not the tinker. It is not the taughts. It is the Gap between the tinker and the taughts! We are not our mind, we are not our body, we are the Gap! Guru holds up a card that says "NOT TINKER, NOT TAUGHTS, BUT THE GAP" with the familiar Gap font. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA (rapid fire) The heart of the matter is that you are the heart of the matter. There is no "I" in "team". Beer before liquor, never sicker. Don't take a wooden nickel. If your pipe is short and your pump is weak, you better stand close or you'll piss on your feet. He who goes to bed with itchy bum wakes up with smelly finger. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA Finally, the path to spiritual awakening requires the death of ego. Leggo of my ego! Let us end with the mantra: Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. DISCIPLES (chanting) Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. The Guru takes a swig of Yoo-Hoo. GURU PITKA Go with God, and pay at the door please. The disciples file out. Austin and Felicity approach. GURU PITKA How can I help you? AUSTIN Guru, I'm having trouble performing. GURU PITKA What do you mean? AUSTIN You know- my bits and pieces are a bit sleepy. GURU PITKA I'm not understanding. AUSTIN I've forgotten the steps to the Mummy- Daddy dance. GURU PITKA Still not clear. AUSTIN My flag's at half mast and no one will salute it. GURU PITKA Sorry? AUSTIN My Willie don't work. GURU PITKA Why are you beating around the bush? AUSTIN That's my problem. GURU PITKA Ohhhhh, I get it. (beat) No, I don't get it. FELICITY He's impotent! AUSTIN Alright, easy. (to Guru) Felicity and I were all set for some hump Olympics and I couldn't bat for six. GURU PITKA Oh, yes, I see. AUSTIN You have no idea what I'm saying, do you? GURU PITKA Not a word. AUSTIN Guru, I've lost my mojo. GURU PITKA Oh, mojo! You should have said so. Well, you've lost your mojo because your chakras are misaligned. You have lost love. AUSTIN Lost love? Oh, you mean Vanessa? FELICITY Who's Vanessa? AUSTIN She was an evil robot minion of Dr. Evil. I couldn't have loved her. GURU PITKA Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, buddy. You will only get your mojo back when you surround yourself with love. AUSTIN Oh, I get what you're saying now! He's talking about free love, baby! Tune in, turn on, and drop out! GURU PITKA I am talking about true love. You must stay and study until you are worthy. AUSTIN No way, man. The only way to surround yourself with love is to throw a swinging shin-dig! Yeah, baby, yeah! INT. DR.EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR Dr. Evil and Frau are interrupted by the man we now know as FAT BASTARD. He is foul-mouthed, and when he swears he is bleeped. DR. EVIL Well done, Fat Bastard. May I have the mojo? FAT BASTARD First things first, where's your shitter? I've gotta bleepin, turtle head pokin' out. DR. EVIL (disgusted) Right. Charming. Fat Bastard- you don't mind me calling you Fat Bastard do you? FAT BASTARD I've got a lot of demons kickin' around in my noggin, but weight issues ain't one of them. DR. EVIL Alright, Fatty- FAT BASTARD The name is Fat Bastard! I'm the incorrect weight for my height and I was born out of wedlock, hence the moniker Fat Bastard. Hey, I'm not kiddin'. I've got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey. DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, the mojo? FAT BASTARD Where's my (bleeping) money? DR. EVIL A gentlemen never discusses money. FAT BASTARD Fine, you can take your (bleep)in' money and shove it up your (bleep), you stupid (bleeping) prick! While you're at it you can suck my greasy, two-toned (bleep)! DR. EVIL (pause) Vulgarity is no substitute for wit. FAT BASTARD (Bleep) you! DR. EVIL Right. Bring in the money. Dr. Evil PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIERS drive in a forklift loaded with gold bars. FAT BASTARD Alright, here it is. Fat Bastard slowly draws out the high-tech syringe full of MOJO. Dr. Evil is mesmerized. DR. EVIL Mini-Me, fetch. Mini-Me runs and snatches the mojo from Fat Bastard and gives it to Dr. Evil, who caresses it and places it on a SPECIALLY PREPARED PEDESTAL. NUMBER TWO enters. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I have some bad news. Austin Powers is back in the Sixties. One of our best assassins spotted him but he got away. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous, we have his mojo. NUMBER TWO There is another. Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Suddenly, Scott Evil enters through TIME PORTAL. DR. EVIL Scott, what are you doing here? SCOTT I don't know, I was sitting around watching the tube and The Courtship of Eddie's Father came on Nick at Nite, you know, and I was just listening to that theme song-- (hums/sings the theme) Anyway it made me think that maybe we could try and work things out. You know, you are my Dad and I need you. DR. EVIL You had your chance, Scott. I already have someone created in my image. He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins. (looking around) Has anyone seen Mini-Me? (calling out) Mini-Me! Mini-Mouse? Mini-Driver? Hello! Mini Pearl? Can we put a frickin' bell on him or something? Scott, very hurt, sits back in his chair and sulks. Dr. Evil hits a button and a model moon and a model earth descend. DR. EVIL Gentlemen, phase three. We place a giant laser on the moon. Let me demonstrate. (beat) Where's my laser? Dr. Evil looks around and sees Mini-Me gnawing on the model laser. Dr. Evil takes it from his mouth DR. EVIL Mini-Me, don't chew my laser. (to room) Not feeling well. He has an ear infection, but tit's OK. (pause) No? Nothing? (back to model) Anyway, the laser is powerful enough to destroy every city on the planet at will. We'll turn the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star". Scott SNICKERS. DR. EVIL What? SCOTT (snickering again) Nothing Darth. DR. EVIL What did you call me? SCOTT Nothing. (pretends to sneeze) Rip-off! DR. EVIL (unsure) Bless you? Anyways, since my "death star" laser was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist, Dr. Parsons. I thought we'd name it in his honor-- the Alan Parsons Project. Scott SNICKERS again. DR. EVIL What now? SCOTT The Alan Parsons Project was a progressive rock band from 1982. Why don't you just name it Operation Wang Chung, ass? DR. EVIL (indicating laser) When you get your own evil empire, you can call it whatever you want. Gentlemen, allow me to demonstrate the awesome lethality of the Alan Parsons Project. Fire the laser! INSERT SHOT: A giant laser beam smashes down through the roof of the White House, causing it to explode. Everyone is shocked by the laser's power. NUMBER TWO My God, Dr. Evil, you destroyed the Wihite House with no warning! DR. EVIL Actually, that was just footage from the 1996 blockbuster motion Picture Independence Day, but it would be a lot like that. What do you think, Scott? SCOTT Yeah, Codename: Thompson Twins was really impressive. DR. EVIL Shhhh! SCOTT I'm nineteen, I don't- DR. EVIL Shh! Shh-Shh. Shh-Shhhhhh-Shh. Shh- shh! It's Morse code. (reading imaginary paper) Let me decipher... it says 'shhhhh!' SCOTT You are so lame- DR. EVIL (like Electric Company) Ssssss...huuuuuh...Shhhhh! NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, what are we going to do about Powers? DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, in addition to being extremely rotund, you're a vicious killer. Take care of it. FAT BASTARD It'll be my pleasure. DR. EVIL It's an easy job. Without his mojo, Powers will be...powerless? INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT A party, packed with dancing freaks of every stripe, is in full swing. A girl dances in an oversized birdcage. AUSTIN This shag-in is gonna blow your mind, baby, yeah! The party sequence is shot like Laugh-In. Very fast cuts to the music. Austin sees a VERY PREGNANT WOMAN drinking a martini and smoking. He gently lifts her drink and cigarette away from her. PREGNANT WOMAN Hey! AUSTIN You'll thank me later, baby. Another angle. Austin and Felicity dancing. AUSTIN (noticing someone) Hey! Ricardo Monteblan, how are you? We see RICARDO MONTEBLAN -smoking a hukka on a round chair. RICARDO Hello, Austin! Balls, said the queen and the king laughed because he had too. AUSTIN (to camera) Crazy, man! FELICITY Let's split up and scope the scene. AUSTIN Don't do anything I wouldn't do- at least not without me. Felicity slaps Austin on the butt as he walks off. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: Austin at the bar with an exotic-looking mod chick. AUSTIN (to chick) You're very exotic, baby. Do you have a little English in you? CHICK No. AUSTIN Would you like to? CUT TO: An Alan Zeus-type very gay guy. ALAN ZEUS GUY (rolling his eyes) This is ridiculous! CUT TO: A LONDON COP and Felicity are on hanging chairs. LONDON COP Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz? FELICITY No, but I bet it really hurts. CUT TO: A GUY IN A RAINCOAT on a tricycle, shot undercranked, rides through the party and falls over. CUT TO: Austin pops into frame with a book that says "AUSTIN POWERS SEXY DICTIONARY". AUSTIN The Austin Powers Sexy Dictionary defines an Eskimo hooker as a frosty prosty. CUT TO: An eskimo at the bar in a fur parka. ESKIMO (to camera) I don't get it. CUT TO: The camera pans up Felicity's cool hip-huggers, which are very tight. AUSTIN Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants, baby? FELICITY Well you can start by buying me a drink. Austin does a spit take. CUT TO: Felicity with a VIKING. VIKING You were great last night. By the way, I'm Thor. FELICITY You're Thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly thit. CUT TO: Austin is wearing a silly spiked German helmet like in Hogan's Heroes. AUSTIN (German accent) Hello, I am Baron Von Firstinbed. Last night I had German-Chinese food. An hour later I was hungry- for power. CUT TO: ZEUS GUY Oh puh-leez, why don't you take a handful of F-off pills? CUT TO: AUSTIN Did you hear about the contortionist who was engaged to be married? FELICITY Yeah, I heard she broke it off. CUT TO: Film running backwards of Austin doing a spit take. CUT TO: ARTIE JOHNSON in German helmet behind a plant. ARTIE JOHNSON Verrrrry interesting- but shtupid! CUT TO: Austin takes his glasses off to clean them. We see his POV, which is totally fuzzy. He looks over and sees what appears to be a NUDE GIRL- two round globes and dark triangle. Austin puts his glasses on and looks again. It is actually a girl in a flesh-colored dress. In between her and Austin were two COMPLETELY BALD MEN and a triangular martini glass filled with a Cosmopolitan. CUT TO: Cut to Austin and Felicity together again. FELICITY Look at that. She points to where Fat Bastard and his companion are standing. AUSTIN That's not a pretty sight. Who is he? FELICITY Until recently he worked security for the MOD, but we think he might be a double agent, possibly for Dr. Evil. AUSTIN How do you know? FELICITY We've noticed that his lifestyle has changed dramatically. He's made a lot of cash purchases, he's hanging out with foxes half his age, and he's becomes quite a fixture on the London party circuit. AUSTIN Who's the girl? FELICITY I don't know, but it looks like he's splitting. Fat Bastard exits. FELICITY I'll follow him. You see what you can get out of the girl. We'll rendezvous later. Felicity follows Fat Bastard out the door. Austin makes his way over to the girl. AUSTIN Hello, hello. GIRL Hello, Mr. Powers. Fab party. AUSTIN Who are you today, baby? GIRL Robin. Robin Swallows. AUSTIN Swallows? That's an interesting name. Are you English? ROBIN SWALLOWS German, actually. My maiden name is Spitz. AUSTIN Well which is it, baby, Spitz or Swallows? Either way, it's a pleasure. ROBIN SWALLOWS The pleasure is mine. She extends her hand. Austin takes it and shakes. As he shakes, her cleavage undulates like jello. Austin is transfixed and keeps shaking far too long. AUSTIN Charmed, I'm sure. (still shaking, her breasts jiggle) How do you do? (still shaking, jiggling) Yes, quite. (shakes, jiggles) I always enjoy meeting new people. (shakes, jiggles) How's your mum? Good. (shakes, jiggles) I love shaking hands. Austin. is shaking her hand so vigorously that she is in danger of popping out of her dress. AUSTIN (snapping out of it) So, who was your friend? ROBIN SWALLOWS His name is Fat Bastard. AUSTIN It suits him. ROBIN SWALLOWS He's my lover. Austin is grossed out. AUSTIN OK. Would you happen to know if he's in business with a man named Mr. Evil? ROBIN SWALLOWS I don't know anyone named Dr. Evil. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Evil. Austin does a smug take. AUSTIN Something to drink? Would you like a Mister Pepper? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes, I'd love a Doctor Pepper. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Pepper. Austin does another smug take. Robin grabs Austin and pulls him close. ROBIN SWALLOWS You're a groovy boy, I'd like to strap you on sometime. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: ALAN ZEUS-TYPE GUY IN LIMBO ALAN ZEUS TYPE Meanwhile... BACK TO: EXT. FISH AND CHIPS STAND - NIGHT Literally a window in a wall. Fat Bastard is placing his order. FAT BASTARD ...and I'll have a fried-prawn sandwich, with extra mayonnaise, two whole chickens, a kidney pie, a toad in the hole, bubble and squeak, bangers and mash, 3 orders of fish and chips, and... a Fresca. No ice. We pan to see Felicity beside him. FELICITY I love a man with a large appetite. FAT BASTARD And I love a woman with big (bleeps), so let's shut up and get to (bleep)ing. Felicity swallows hard and forces a smile. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT AUSTIN Can I ask you a question? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes. AUSTIN Thank you. Beat. ROBIN SWALLOWS Well, what's the question? AUSTIN Oh, yes. Would you like to shag? Would you? ROBIN SWALLOWS I'd love to, Mr. Powers, just come right... over... here. Robin moves Austin into place as they dance. AUSTIN You're a bit of alright. Just then, Austin looks into her eyes and sees the REFLECTION OF AN ASSASSIN (Oedipus) about to throw a knife. Just as he throws it, Austin spins Robin Swallows around and USES HER AS A SHIELD. She takes the knife squarely in the back. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the revolver. Oedipus pulls out a pistol and begins FIRING. Austin continues to use Robin AS A SHIELD. She takes six hits. Oedipus runs out of bullets. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the machine gun. Oedipus pulls out a machine gun and FIRES. In a Robert Rodriquez- like flurry of events, Austin dodges while still USING HER AS

fitful

How many times the word 'fitful' appears in the text?

BASIL EXPOSITION Agent Haggerty was the test, Austin. Not only were you actually reading an article in that Playboy, but a candy-stripe nurse offering to give you a sponge bath didn't so much as turn your head. AUSTIN Wait, I can explain, man! I was going to shag her but the article was so fascinating-- BASIL EXPOSITION I'm sorry, Austin, I'm afraid it's true: you've lost your mojo. Basil shows Austin the mojometer, which reads EMPTY. AUSTIN (crushed) Without my mojo, I'm useless to the Ministry and to Her Majesty. I think it's time to retire. BASIL EXPOSITION I'm afraid that's not possible, Austin. You see, Dr. Evil has returned. AUSTIN Again? BASIL EXPOSITION Again. INT. MOD - TIME-TRAVEL ROOM Austin and Basil ride on the back of a golf cart through the largest room you've ever seen in your life. BASIL EXPOSITION We have evidence that Dr. Evil has developed a time machine. Basil shows Austin altered photos of Dr. Evil with famous villains, such as Sadam, Nixon, and Donald Trump. BASIL EXPOSITION Our researcher noticed that these photos from the archives have changed. That means Dr. Evil is traveling back in time and creating alliances with each decade's most despised villains. Austin tries to read them and gets queasy. AUSTIN I can't read in the car. I get a bit vomy. Austin burps and swallows it. AUSTIN Got it. I almost gipped. BASIL EXPOSITION (V.O.) Our data indicates that Dr. Evil is in the year 1969. Luckily, we also have a time travel device. After years of research we've developed a machine that will transport you back to the Sixties. A bright overhead light comes on spotlighting a brand new VOLKSWAGEN BEETLE CONVERTIBLE, painted up psychedelic by Peter Max. AUSTIN But Basil, isn't that the new Volkswagen Beetle? BASIL EXPOSITION That's what they'd like you to believe. AUSTIN So, Basil, if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967, I could go look at my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the 90's and traveled back to the Sixties? (goes cross-eyed) Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed. BASIL EXPOSITION (to camera) I suggest you don't worry about those things and just enjoy yourself. Austin gets into the car and turns it on. AUSTIN This is smashing Basil. I'll go back to the Sixties, recharge my mojo, defeat Dr. Evil and be back in time for tea. BASIL EXPOSITION Good luck, Austin. AUSTIN Luck has nothing to do with it, Basil. Austin steps on the gas. The car lurches in reverse and smashes some equipment. AUSTIN Sorry. (changing gears) Swinging Sixties, here I come, baby, yeah! The car takes off, heading for the wall. It DISAPPEARS, leaving flaming tread marks. FLASH CUT TO: EXT. STREET - LONDON - The Beetle time machine appears out of nowhere and screeches to a stop. A London HIPPIE smoking a hukka watches. He throws the hukka down. Austin hops out. AUSTIN I feel better already, man! Austin smiles and we see that his teeth are back to being TERRIBLE. He walks off as a crowd gathers around the car. EXT. PARK - LONDON Austin enters the park in high spirits. We PULL BACK to see that Austin is being watched through binoculars by a big ARYAN ASSASSIN. PULL BACK FURTHER to reveal a beautiful MYSTERIOUS WOMAN watching both of them. From this distance we can't tell who she is. A sign reads "BE-IN FOR PEACE". HIPPIES, MODS, and FREAKS of all descriptions dance to the music of a PSYCHEDELIC BAND. The band's name is on the drum kit: "MING TEA." AUSTIN Alright, baby, a swinging shin-dig! Austin gets into the dancing, quickly becoming the center of the scene. The lead singer of the band invites him on stage and hands him the microphone as the band starts a new song: "SEXUAL REVOLUTION." Austin begins singing and a choreographed musical number begins involving the outdoor crowd a la Bob Fosse's Sweet Charity or Hair. AUSTIN (singing) 'THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION, YOU CAN FEEL IT IN THE AIR. PEOPLE SHAGGING JUST LIKE WEASELS AND THEY JUST DON'T SEEM TO CARE. Hip-thrusting young MOD FREAKS Fosse-hump rhythmically. AUSTIN (singing) HEY, WATCH OUT SQUARES... YOU MAKES US BORED! THE PENIS IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD Austin does various groovy dance moves like THE ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOT and THE HEAVYWEIGHT. AUSTIN (singing) THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION AND YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET PEOPLE SHAGGING IN THE CLUBS AND INSIDE A JUMBO JET Forty Austins appear in a KALEIDOSCOPE EFFECT. AUSTIN (singing) HEY SQUARE WORLD THE END IS NIGH. WHEN WE SAY HUMP YOU SAY 'HOW HIGH?' Three GROOVY CHICKS behind Austin suddenly have tambourines for the big finale. The assassin and the mysterious woman are both in the audience, keeping an eye on Austin. All we see of the woman are shots of her BOOTS, CLOTHES, and a FEMALE SYMBOL MEDALLION. AUSTIN (singing) SO GO MAKE LOVE OR MASTURBATE-- SEXUAL FREEDOM WILL NEVER BE OUT OF DAAAAAAAAAAATE! Austin holds the note an improbably long time, arms outstretched. The dancers crouch-walk towards the camera. EVERYONE (chanting) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (shouting) IT'S THE SIXTIES! The SONG ENDS and all the dancers end up on one knee with their arms outstretched, panting. Austin breathes heavily and smiles smugly like Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance. We are TIGHT ON Austin's ass. PULL BACK to see that it is the MYSTERIOUS WOMAN who is watching Austin's ass. She SMILES behind the binoculars hiding her face. 37 EXT. CARNABY ST. Austin walks down the street looking at his new BEATLES ALBUM. Sitting in a parked Citroen watching him is the ASSASSIN. The Aryan assassin nods to a SHOE-SHINE on the street. The shoe-shine boy nods to a BUSINESS MAN in a Homburg. The business man nods to a BOBBY. The bobby nods to a WOMAN WITH A BABY CARRIAGE. The woman with a baby carriage nods to a MIME. The mime nods to a BLIND BEGGAR with a tin cup. The blind beggar nods to a CARPENTER on a roof. The carpenter FLASHES A LIGHT to an INDIAN CHIEF. The Indian Chief gives a SMOKE SIGNAL to a TELEGRAPH OPERATOR. The telegraph operator sends a signal to the BEEFEATER GUARD. The Beefeater salutes with his pike to a SEXY TICKET COLLECTOR on a double-decker bus. The sexy ticket collector signals a TAXI DRIVER. The taxi driver nods back to the assassin as he drives by. INT. CITROEN The assassin gets the signal and starts the car. The whole nodding sequence was a circular waste of time. EXT. STREET - VARIOUS ANGLES Austin walks along. Suddenly, he sees the Citroen coming at him. He dives out of the way and takes off running. He rounds a corner and pretends to be a COUPLE MAKING OUT against a wall by hugging himself. The assassin sees him and slams on the brakes. He raises his gun. Austin turns as he hears a car HONK. It's Austin's BEETLE CONVERTIBLE. The mysterious woman steps out. We see her in her entirety for the first time, and what a sight it is. She has long auburn hair and wears a tight racing suit, unzipped just enough to show the female symbol medallion. She is FELICITY SHAGWELL. MUSIC: FELICITY'S THEME FELICITY Care for a ride? AUSTIN That's my Beetle, baby. FELICITY It was your Beetle. Get in. Austin dives in as the assassin FIRES. The car speeds off. INT. BEETLE (REAR PROJECTION) Felicity drives expertly. FELICITY Austin Powers, I presume? AUSTIN Powers by name, Powers by reputation. FELICITY Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Shagwell by name, Shag-very-Well by reputation. AUSTIN (turning to camera) Crazy, baby! EXT. ROAD The Beetle zips along, and then-- the Citroen appears behind it. The assassin FIRES. INT. BEETLE Felicity turns around to look. FELICITY Grab the wheel, would you? Austin grabs the wheel and Felicity pulls a gun. She turns and FIRES out the window. EXT. ROAD The assassin's tire BLOWS. The car skids towards a Cliff and he jumps out as it goes over. EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN The car goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it EXPLODES. EXT. CLIFF The assassin hangs on to a branch with one hand. He falls. ASSASSIN Ahhhhhhhh! EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN Same shot as the car: The assassin's body goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it, too, EXPLODES. FELICITY Well, Austin, I think this time you may have met your match. AUSTIN Oh, I've beaten Dr. Evil before, and I'll beat him again. FELICITY I was talking about me. She smiles, turns, and walks away. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD The room is dark, with only a single spotlight providing illumination. Suddenly, Austin and Felicity rise on an elevator into the middle of the spotlight. AUSTIN Welcome to my shag pad, baby. Light floods the pad, revealing hanging basket chairs, Hi- fi, and Warhol silk screens of Austin. Austin blows DUST off a table. AUSTIN Care for something to drink? Austin hits a button and a bookcase revolves to reveal a wetbar. AUSTIN Or perhaps something to read? Austin walks seductively over to the real wetbar and hits a button. It revolves to reveal a bookcase. AUSTIN How about a hot cup of coffee? FELICITY Yes, I rather fancy a grind. AUSTIN Oh, Behave! Austin hits a button and an automatic coffee-pourer pours a cup. MUSIC: Girl from Impenema by JOBIM AUSTIN Would you like a... mas-sage? A sensssual mas-sage? Austin hits a button and a series of actions take place: the floor opens up to reveal a sunken bed; red gels slide into place over the lamps; a painting slides back to reveal a reel-to-reel; an end table revolves to reveal a selection of massage oils. Felicity lies on her stomach. Austin begins to massage her. AUSTIN How does that feel, baby? FELICITY Mmm, lower. AUSTIN (lowering his voice) HOW DOES THAT FEEL, BABY? They laugh. Austin continues to massage her. FELICITY Wait, something's itching me. She reaches behind her and unties the strap of her evening dress, revealing her naked back. FELICITY That's better. AUSTIN Crikey!!! Austin GULPS and accidentally spurts way too much oil on her. AUSTIN Sorry. Austin continues the back rub and Felicity stretches out on the bed. AUSTIN (talking to his crotch) Hello, anyone home? C'mon lads, do it for England. Austin takes a peak-- nothing. He is panicked. FELICITY Oh, that was so relaxing. Felicity stretches very sexily. AUSTIN Would you 'like to see my etchings? FELICITY (sexy) I think I'm ready for bed. She moves close to Austin. He slides to the other side of the bed. AUSTIN I'll get you some PJs. FELICITY No, I'm ready for bed. She moves over to him. He avoids her. AUSTIN Oh, you'll want to clean your teeth then. Austin holds up toothpaste and toothbrush. Felicity finally grabs him and pins him to the bed. FELICITY No, I want to have sex with you, Austin. AUSTIN Hello Vicar! FELICITY I've studied everything about you- your methods, your accomplishments, your preferences. You're the reason I became a spy. Now, I've waited two years to meet you, so I say we get busy making up for lost time. Austin sits up. AUSTIN (reflective) Felicity, I used to think that way, too, but I guess... I guess I've changed. Not to make a short story long, or to ramble on and on, or to keep talking in a repetitive manner ad infinitum until it becomes impossible to remember what I was talking about in the first place, but- where was I? MUSIC: SAD INSTRUMENTAL AUSTIN Oh yes. Felicity, I can't shag you. I've lost my mojo. FELICITY (obviously disappointed) Oh. AUSTIN I thought coming back to the Sixties would bring it back, but it hasn't. FELICITY Austin, don't worry. I know just the man to help you. He's my guru. Ringo recommended him and he's the best. AUSTIN I'll warm up the Jumbo Jet, baby! EXT. AUSTIN'S PSYCHEDELIC JUMBO JET Austin's plane in flight. EXT. INDIA - STOCK FOOTAGE EXT./INT. BEETLE Austin and Felicity drive against obvious rear screen projection of India. INT. ASHRAM It looks like a mosque, with incense, tapestries, and DISCIPLES. Austin and Felicity enter. MUSIC: SITAR FELICITY There he is. That's my guru. We see the GURU PITKA (played by Mike), an Indian man in a bright red sari. FELICITY Guru, I'd like you to meet Austin Powers. AUSTIN How are you baby? GURU PITKA My chakras are aligned and I am in a perfect state of equipoise. AUSTIN Good on ya. I don't know what that means but it sounds fab. FELICITY Guru, we need some advice. GURU PITKA Hold your horses and any other beasts- of burden. I must lead my disciples in meditation and then I will help you. The Guru walks to the front of the room and the disciples sink to their knees. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA My name is the Guru Pitka. I am a spiritual teacher and I have combined many disparate disciplines into a unified movement of human potentiality and equipoise that I learned from my guru, the late Guru Shastri, a chaste man who died mysteriously of a disease that strangely had all the hallmarks of syphilis. He would say to me, Sparky, love is all, life is breath. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA Now, perhaps you are wondering where I got the nickname Sparky. Well, when we were young we used to play a game called "Stinkmop". We would urinate into a bucket, dip a mop into it, and play tag. I did not care for "Stinkmop" and a very wise old man said to me 'oh lighten up, Sparky', and I don't know, the name kind of stuck. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhhh... GURU PITKA Now, the reason I am a spiritualist instead of a therapist is that 'therapist' often becomes 'the rapist' and that will not help us attain potentiality. Now what is potentiality? It is the ability to achieve those goals that we wish to achieve for ourselves. People often say to me that they feel "nowhere", and I am going to change that to "Now here." The guru holds up a card which says "NOWHERE = NOW HERE!" DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh... GURU PITKA And you have many assumptions about your goals, but when you "assume" You make an "ass" out of "u" and "me". Guru holds up a card which says "ASSUME = ASS - U - ME." DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh.... GURU PITKA The being, or that which we call 'ourselves', is not the tinker. It is not the taughts. It is the Gap between the tinker and the taughts! We are not our mind, we are not our body, we are the Gap! Guru holds up a card that says "NOT TINKER, NOT TAUGHTS, BUT THE GAP" with the familiar Gap font. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA (rapid fire) The heart of the matter is that you are the heart of the matter. There is no "I" in "team". Beer before liquor, never sicker. Don't take a wooden nickel. If your pipe is short and your pump is weak, you better stand close or you'll piss on your feet. He who goes to bed with itchy bum wakes up with smelly finger. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA Finally, the path to spiritual awakening requires the death of ego. Leggo of my ego! Let us end with the mantra: Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. DISCIPLES (chanting) Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. The Guru takes a swig of Yoo-Hoo. GURU PITKA Go with God, and pay at the door please. The disciples file out. Austin and Felicity approach. GURU PITKA How can I help you? AUSTIN Guru, I'm having trouble performing. GURU PITKA What do you mean? AUSTIN You know- my bits and pieces are a bit sleepy. GURU PITKA I'm not understanding. AUSTIN I've forgotten the steps to the Mummy- Daddy dance. GURU PITKA Still not clear. AUSTIN My flag's at half mast and no one will salute it. GURU PITKA Sorry? AUSTIN My Willie don't work. GURU PITKA Why are you beating around the bush? AUSTIN That's my problem. GURU PITKA Ohhhhh, I get it. (beat) No, I don't get it. FELICITY He's impotent! AUSTIN Alright, easy. (to Guru) Felicity and I were all set for some hump Olympics and I couldn't bat for six. GURU PITKA Oh, yes, I see. AUSTIN You have no idea what I'm saying, do you? GURU PITKA Not a word. AUSTIN Guru, I've lost my mojo. GURU PITKA Oh, mojo! You should have said so. Well, you've lost your mojo because your chakras are misaligned. You have lost love. AUSTIN Lost love? Oh, you mean Vanessa? FELICITY Who's Vanessa? AUSTIN She was an evil robot minion of Dr. Evil. I couldn't have loved her. GURU PITKA Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, buddy. You will only get your mojo back when you surround yourself with love. AUSTIN Oh, I get what you're saying now! He's talking about free love, baby! Tune in, turn on, and drop out! GURU PITKA I am talking about true love. You must stay and study until you are worthy. AUSTIN No way, man. The only way to surround yourself with love is to throw a swinging shin-dig! Yeah, baby, yeah! INT. DR.EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR Dr. Evil and Frau are interrupted by the man we now know as FAT BASTARD. He is foul-mouthed, and when he swears he is bleeped. DR. EVIL Well done, Fat Bastard. May I have the mojo? FAT BASTARD First things first, where's your shitter? I've gotta bleepin, turtle head pokin' out. DR. EVIL (disgusted) Right. Charming. Fat Bastard- you don't mind me calling you Fat Bastard do you? FAT BASTARD I've got a lot of demons kickin' around in my noggin, but weight issues ain't one of them. DR. EVIL Alright, Fatty- FAT BASTARD The name is Fat Bastard! I'm the incorrect weight for my height and I was born out of wedlock, hence the moniker Fat Bastard. Hey, I'm not kiddin'. I've got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey. DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, the mojo? FAT BASTARD Where's my (bleeping) money? DR. EVIL A gentlemen never discusses money. FAT BASTARD Fine, you can take your (bleep)in' money and shove it up your (bleep), you stupid (bleeping) prick! While you're at it you can suck my greasy, two-toned (bleep)! DR. EVIL (pause) Vulgarity is no substitute for wit. FAT BASTARD (Bleep) you! DR. EVIL Right. Bring in the money. Dr. Evil PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIERS drive in a forklift loaded with gold bars. FAT BASTARD Alright, here it is. Fat Bastard slowly draws out the high-tech syringe full of MOJO. Dr. Evil is mesmerized. DR. EVIL Mini-Me, fetch. Mini-Me runs and snatches the mojo from Fat Bastard and gives it to Dr. Evil, who caresses it and places it on a SPECIALLY PREPARED PEDESTAL. NUMBER TWO enters. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I have some bad news. Austin Powers is back in the Sixties. One of our best assassins spotted him but he got away. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous, we have his mojo. NUMBER TWO There is another. Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Suddenly, Scott Evil enters through TIME PORTAL. DR. EVIL Scott, what are you doing here? SCOTT I don't know, I was sitting around watching the tube and The Courtship of Eddie's Father came on Nick at Nite, you know, and I was just listening to that theme song-- (hums/sings the theme) Anyway it made me think that maybe we could try and work things out. You know, you are my Dad and I need you. DR. EVIL You had your chance, Scott. I already have someone created in my image. He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins. (looking around) Has anyone seen Mini-Me? (calling out) Mini-Me! Mini-Mouse? Mini-Driver? Hello! Mini Pearl? Can we put a frickin' bell on him or something? Scott, very hurt, sits back in his chair and sulks. Dr. Evil hits a button and a model moon and a model earth descend. DR. EVIL Gentlemen, phase three. We place a giant laser on the moon. Let me demonstrate. (beat) Where's my laser? Dr. Evil looks around and sees Mini-Me gnawing on the model laser. Dr. Evil takes it from his mouth DR. EVIL Mini-Me, don't chew my laser. (to room) Not feeling well. He has an ear infection, but tit's OK. (pause) No? Nothing? (back to model) Anyway, the laser is powerful enough to destroy every city on the planet at will. We'll turn the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star". Scott SNICKERS. DR. EVIL What? SCOTT (snickering again) Nothing Darth. DR. EVIL What did you call me? SCOTT Nothing. (pretends to sneeze) Rip-off! DR. EVIL (unsure) Bless you? Anyways, since my "death star" laser was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist, Dr. Parsons. I thought we'd name it in his honor-- the Alan Parsons Project. Scott SNICKERS again. DR. EVIL What now? SCOTT The Alan Parsons Project was a progressive rock band from 1982. Why don't you just name it Operation Wang Chung, ass? DR. EVIL (indicating laser) When you get your own evil empire, you can call it whatever you want. Gentlemen, allow me to demonstrate the awesome lethality of the Alan Parsons Project. Fire the laser! INSERT SHOT: A giant laser beam smashes down through the roof of the White House, causing it to explode. Everyone is shocked by the laser's power. NUMBER TWO My God, Dr. Evil, you destroyed the Wihite House with no warning! DR. EVIL Actually, that was just footage from the 1996 blockbuster motion Picture Independence Day, but it would be a lot like that. What do you think, Scott? SCOTT Yeah, Codename: Thompson Twins was really impressive. DR. EVIL Shhhh! SCOTT I'm nineteen, I don't- DR. EVIL Shh! Shh-Shh. Shh-Shhhhhh-Shh. Shh- shh! It's Morse code. (reading imaginary paper) Let me decipher... it says 'shhhhh!' SCOTT You are so lame- DR. EVIL (like Electric Company) Ssssss...huuuuuh...Shhhhh! NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, what are we going to do about Powers? DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, in addition to being extremely rotund, you're a vicious killer. Take care of it. FAT BASTARD It'll be my pleasure. DR. EVIL It's an easy job. Without his mojo, Powers will be...powerless? INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT A party, packed with dancing freaks of every stripe, is in full swing. A girl dances in an oversized birdcage. AUSTIN This shag-in is gonna blow your mind, baby, yeah! The party sequence is shot like Laugh-In. Very fast cuts to the music. Austin sees a VERY PREGNANT WOMAN drinking a martini and smoking. He gently lifts her drink and cigarette away from her. PREGNANT WOMAN Hey! AUSTIN You'll thank me later, baby. Another angle. Austin and Felicity dancing. AUSTIN (noticing someone) Hey! Ricardo Monteblan, how are you? We see RICARDO MONTEBLAN -smoking a hukka on a round chair. RICARDO Hello, Austin! Balls, said the queen and the king laughed because he had too. AUSTIN (to camera) Crazy, man! FELICITY Let's split up and scope the scene. AUSTIN Don't do anything I wouldn't do- at least not without me. Felicity slaps Austin on the butt as he walks off. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: Austin at the bar with an exotic-looking mod chick. AUSTIN (to chick) You're very exotic, baby. Do you have a little English in you? CHICK No. AUSTIN Would you like to? CUT TO: An Alan Zeus-type very gay guy. ALAN ZEUS GUY (rolling his eyes) This is ridiculous! CUT TO: A LONDON COP and Felicity are on hanging chairs. LONDON COP Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz? FELICITY No, but I bet it really hurts. CUT TO: A GUY IN A RAINCOAT on a tricycle, shot undercranked, rides through the party and falls over. CUT TO: Austin pops into frame with a book that says "AUSTIN POWERS SEXY DICTIONARY". AUSTIN The Austin Powers Sexy Dictionary defines an Eskimo hooker as a frosty prosty. CUT TO: An eskimo at the bar in a fur parka. ESKIMO (to camera) I don't get it. CUT TO: The camera pans up Felicity's cool hip-huggers, which are very tight. AUSTIN Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants, baby? FELICITY Well you can start by buying me a drink. Austin does a spit take. CUT TO: Felicity with a VIKING. VIKING You were great last night. By the way, I'm Thor. FELICITY You're Thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly thit. CUT TO: Austin is wearing a silly spiked German helmet like in Hogan's Heroes. AUSTIN (German accent) Hello, I am Baron Von Firstinbed. Last night I had German-Chinese food. An hour later I was hungry- for power. CUT TO: ZEUS GUY Oh puh-leez, why don't you take a handful of F-off pills? CUT TO: AUSTIN Did you hear about the contortionist who was engaged to be married? FELICITY Yeah, I heard she broke it off. CUT TO: Film running backwards of Austin doing a spit take. CUT TO: ARTIE JOHNSON in German helmet behind a plant. ARTIE JOHNSON Verrrrry interesting- but shtupid! CUT TO: Austin takes his glasses off to clean them. We see his POV, which is totally fuzzy. He looks over and sees what appears to be a NUDE GIRL- two round globes and dark triangle. Austin puts his glasses on and looks again. It is actually a girl in a flesh-colored dress. In between her and Austin were two COMPLETELY BALD MEN and a triangular martini glass filled with a Cosmopolitan. CUT TO: Cut to Austin and Felicity together again. FELICITY Look at that. She points to where Fat Bastard and his companion are standing. AUSTIN That's not a pretty sight. Who is he? FELICITY Until recently he worked security for the MOD, but we think he might be a double agent, possibly for Dr. Evil. AUSTIN How do you know? FELICITY We've noticed that his lifestyle has changed dramatically. He's made a lot of cash purchases, he's hanging out with foxes half his age, and he's becomes quite a fixture on the London party circuit. AUSTIN Who's the girl? FELICITY I don't know, but it looks like he's splitting. Fat Bastard exits. FELICITY I'll follow him. You see what you can get out of the girl. We'll rendezvous later. Felicity follows Fat Bastard out the door. Austin makes his way over to the girl. AUSTIN Hello, hello. GIRL Hello, Mr. Powers. Fab party. AUSTIN Who are you today, baby? GIRL Robin. Robin Swallows. AUSTIN Swallows? That's an interesting name. Are you English? ROBIN SWALLOWS German, actually. My maiden name is Spitz. AUSTIN Well which is it, baby, Spitz or Swallows? Either way, it's a pleasure. ROBIN SWALLOWS The pleasure is mine. She extends her hand. Austin takes it and shakes. As he shakes, her cleavage undulates like jello. Austin is transfixed and keeps shaking far too long. AUSTIN Charmed, I'm sure. (still shaking, her breasts jiggle) How do you do? (still shaking, jiggling) Yes, quite. (shakes, jiggles) I always enjoy meeting new people. (shakes, jiggles) How's your mum? Good. (shakes, jiggles) I love shaking hands. Austin. is shaking her hand so vigorously that she is in danger of popping out of her dress. AUSTIN (snapping out of it) So, who was your friend? ROBIN SWALLOWS His name is Fat Bastard. AUSTIN It suits him. ROBIN SWALLOWS He's my lover. Austin is grossed out. AUSTIN OK. Would you happen to know if he's in business with a man named Mr. Evil? ROBIN SWALLOWS I don't know anyone named Dr. Evil. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Evil. Austin does a smug take. AUSTIN Something to drink? Would you like a Mister Pepper? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes, I'd love a Doctor Pepper. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Pepper. Austin does another smug take. Robin grabs Austin and pulls him close. ROBIN SWALLOWS You're a groovy boy, I'd like to strap you on sometime. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: ALAN ZEUS-TYPE GUY IN LIMBO ALAN ZEUS TYPE Meanwhile... BACK TO: EXT. FISH AND CHIPS STAND - NIGHT Literally a window in a wall. Fat Bastard is placing his order. FAT BASTARD ...and I'll have a fried-prawn sandwich, with extra mayonnaise, two whole chickens, a kidney pie, a toad in the hole, bubble and squeak, bangers and mash, 3 orders of fish and chips, and... a Fresca. No ice. We pan to see Felicity beside him. FELICITY I love a man with a large appetite. FAT BASTARD And I love a woman with big (bleeps), so let's shut up and get to (bleep)ing. Felicity swallows hard and forces a smile. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT AUSTIN Can I ask you a question? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes. AUSTIN Thank you. Beat. ROBIN SWALLOWS Well, what's the question? AUSTIN Oh, yes. Would you like to shag? Would you? ROBIN SWALLOWS I'd love to, Mr. Powers, just come right... over... here. Robin moves Austin into place as they dance. AUSTIN You're a bit of alright. Just then, Austin looks into her eyes and sees the REFLECTION OF AN ASSASSIN (Oedipus) about to throw a knife. Just as he throws it, Austin spins Robin Swallows around and USES HER AS A SHIELD. She takes the knife squarely in the back. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the revolver. Oedipus pulls out a pistol and begins FIRING. Austin continues to use Robin AS A SHIELD. She takes six hits. Oedipus runs out of bullets. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the machine gun. Oedipus pulls out a machine gun and FIRES. In a Robert Rodriquez- like flurry of events, Austin dodges while still USING HER AS

finale

How many times the word 'finale' appears in the text?

BASIL EXPOSITION Agent Haggerty was the test, Austin. Not only were you actually reading an article in that Playboy, but a candy-stripe nurse offering to give you a sponge bath didn't so much as turn your head. AUSTIN Wait, I can explain, man! I was going to shag her but the article was so fascinating-- BASIL EXPOSITION I'm sorry, Austin, I'm afraid it's true: you've lost your mojo. Basil shows Austin the mojometer, which reads EMPTY. AUSTIN (crushed) Without my mojo, I'm useless to the Ministry and to Her Majesty. I think it's time to retire. BASIL EXPOSITION I'm afraid that's not possible, Austin. You see, Dr. Evil has returned. AUSTIN Again? BASIL EXPOSITION Again. INT. MOD - TIME-TRAVEL ROOM Austin and Basil ride on the back of a golf cart through the largest room you've ever seen in your life. BASIL EXPOSITION We have evidence that Dr. Evil has developed a time machine. Basil shows Austin altered photos of Dr. Evil with famous villains, such as Sadam, Nixon, and Donald Trump. BASIL EXPOSITION Our researcher noticed that these photos from the archives have changed. That means Dr. Evil is traveling back in time and creating alliances with each decade's most despised villains. Austin tries to read them and gets queasy. AUSTIN I can't read in the car. I get a bit vomy. Austin burps and swallows it. AUSTIN Got it. I almost gipped. BASIL EXPOSITION (V.O.) Our data indicates that Dr. Evil is in the year 1969. Luckily, we also have a time travel device. After years of research we've developed a machine that will transport you back to the Sixties. A bright overhead light comes on spotlighting a brand new VOLKSWAGEN BEETLE CONVERTIBLE, painted up psychedelic by Peter Max. AUSTIN But Basil, isn't that the new Volkswagen Beetle? BASIL EXPOSITION That's what they'd like you to believe. AUSTIN So, Basil, if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967, I could go look at my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the 90's and traveled back to the Sixties? (goes cross-eyed) Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed. BASIL EXPOSITION (to camera) I suggest you don't worry about those things and just enjoy yourself. Austin gets into the car and turns it on. AUSTIN This is smashing Basil. I'll go back to the Sixties, recharge my mojo, defeat Dr. Evil and be back in time for tea. BASIL EXPOSITION Good luck, Austin. AUSTIN Luck has nothing to do with it, Basil. Austin steps on the gas. The car lurches in reverse and smashes some equipment. AUSTIN Sorry. (changing gears) Swinging Sixties, here I come, baby, yeah! The car takes off, heading for the wall. It DISAPPEARS, leaving flaming tread marks. FLASH CUT TO: EXT. STREET - LONDON - The Beetle time machine appears out of nowhere and screeches to a stop. A London HIPPIE smoking a hukka watches. He throws the hukka down. Austin hops out. AUSTIN I feel better already, man! Austin smiles and we see that his teeth are back to being TERRIBLE. He walks off as a crowd gathers around the car. EXT. PARK - LONDON Austin enters the park in high spirits. We PULL BACK to see that Austin is being watched through binoculars by a big ARYAN ASSASSIN. PULL BACK FURTHER to reveal a beautiful MYSTERIOUS WOMAN watching both of them. From this distance we can't tell who she is. A sign reads "BE-IN FOR PEACE". HIPPIES, MODS, and FREAKS of all descriptions dance to the music of a PSYCHEDELIC BAND. The band's name is on the drum kit: "MING TEA." AUSTIN Alright, baby, a swinging shin-dig! Austin gets into the dancing, quickly becoming the center of the scene. The lead singer of the band invites him on stage and hands him the microphone as the band starts a new song: "SEXUAL REVOLUTION." Austin begins singing and a choreographed musical number begins involving the outdoor crowd a la Bob Fosse's Sweet Charity or Hair. AUSTIN (singing) 'THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION, YOU CAN FEEL IT IN THE AIR. PEOPLE SHAGGING JUST LIKE WEASELS AND THEY JUST DON'T SEEM TO CARE. Hip-thrusting young MOD FREAKS Fosse-hump rhythmically. AUSTIN (singing) HEY, WATCH OUT SQUARES... YOU MAKES US BORED! THE PENIS IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD Austin does various groovy dance moves like THE ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOT and THE HEAVYWEIGHT. AUSTIN (singing) THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION AND YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET PEOPLE SHAGGING IN THE CLUBS AND INSIDE A JUMBO JET Forty Austins appear in a KALEIDOSCOPE EFFECT. AUSTIN (singing) HEY SQUARE WORLD THE END IS NIGH. WHEN WE SAY HUMP YOU SAY 'HOW HIGH?' Three GROOVY CHICKS behind Austin suddenly have tambourines for the big finale. The assassin and the mysterious woman are both in the audience, keeping an eye on Austin. All we see of the woman are shots of her BOOTS, CLOTHES, and a FEMALE SYMBOL MEDALLION. AUSTIN (singing) SO GO MAKE LOVE OR MASTURBATE-- SEXUAL FREEDOM WILL NEVER BE OUT OF DAAAAAAAAAAATE! Austin holds the note an improbably long time, arms outstretched. The dancers crouch-walk towards the camera. EVERYONE (chanting) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (shouting) IT'S THE SIXTIES! The SONG ENDS and all the dancers end up on one knee with their arms outstretched, panting. Austin breathes heavily and smiles smugly like Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance. We are TIGHT ON Austin's ass. PULL BACK to see that it is the MYSTERIOUS WOMAN who is watching Austin's ass. She SMILES behind the binoculars hiding her face. 37 EXT. CARNABY ST. Austin walks down the street looking at his new BEATLES ALBUM. Sitting in a parked Citroen watching him is the ASSASSIN. The Aryan assassin nods to a SHOE-SHINE on the street. The shoe-shine boy nods to a BUSINESS MAN in a Homburg. The business man nods to a BOBBY. The bobby nods to a WOMAN WITH A BABY CARRIAGE. The woman with a baby carriage nods to a MIME. The mime nods to a BLIND BEGGAR with a tin cup. The blind beggar nods to a CARPENTER on a roof. The carpenter FLASHES A LIGHT to an INDIAN CHIEF. The Indian Chief gives a SMOKE SIGNAL to a TELEGRAPH OPERATOR. The telegraph operator sends a signal to the BEEFEATER GUARD. The Beefeater salutes with his pike to a SEXY TICKET COLLECTOR on a double-decker bus. The sexy ticket collector signals a TAXI DRIVER. The taxi driver nods back to the assassin as he drives by. INT. CITROEN The assassin gets the signal and starts the car. The whole nodding sequence was a circular waste of time. EXT. STREET - VARIOUS ANGLES Austin walks along. Suddenly, he sees the Citroen coming at him. He dives out of the way and takes off running. He rounds a corner and pretends to be a COUPLE MAKING OUT against a wall by hugging himself. The assassin sees him and slams on the brakes. He raises his gun. Austin turns as he hears a car HONK. It's Austin's BEETLE CONVERTIBLE. The mysterious woman steps out. We see her in her entirety for the first time, and what a sight it is. She has long auburn hair and wears a tight racing suit, unzipped just enough to show the female symbol medallion. She is FELICITY SHAGWELL. MUSIC: FELICITY'S THEME FELICITY Care for a ride? AUSTIN That's my Beetle, baby. FELICITY It was your Beetle. Get in. Austin dives in as the assassin FIRES. The car speeds off. INT. BEETLE (REAR PROJECTION) Felicity drives expertly. FELICITY Austin Powers, I presume? AUSTIN Powers by name, Powers by reputation. FELICITY Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Shagwell by name, Shag-very-Well by reputation. AUSTIN (turning to camera) Crazy, baby! EXT. ROAD The Beetle zips along, and then-- the Citroen appears behind it. The assassin FIRES. INT. BEETLE Felicity turns around to look. FELICITY Grab the wheel, would you? Austin grabs the wheel and Felicity pulls a gun. She turns and FIRES out the window. EXT. ROAD The assassin's tire BLOWS. The car skids towards a Cliff and he jumps out as it goes over. EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN The car goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it EXPLODES. EXT. CLIFF The assassin hangs on to a branch with one hand. He falls. ASSASSIN Ahhhhhhhh! EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN Same shot as the car: The assassin's body goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it, too, EXPLODES. FELICITY Well, Austin, I think this time you may have met your match. AUSTIN Oh, I've beaten Dr. Evil before, and I'll beat him again. FELICITY I was talking about me. She smiles, turns, and walks away. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD The room is dark, with only a single spotlight providing illumination. Suddenly, Austin and Felicity rise on an elevator into the middle of the spotlight. AUSTIN Welcome to my shag pad, baby. Light floods the pad, revealing hanging basket chairs, Hi- fi, and Warhol silk screens of Austin. Austin blows DUST off a table. AUSTIN Care for something to drink? Austin hits a button and a bookcase revolves to reveal a wetbar. AUSTIN Or perhaps something to read? Austin walks seductively over to the real wetbar and hits a button. It revolves to reveal a bookcase. AUSTIN How about a hot cup of coffee? FELICITY Yes, I rather fancy a grind. AUSTIN Oh, Behave! Austin hits a button and an automatic coffee-pourer pours a cup. MUSIC: Girl from Impenema by JOBIM AUSTIN Would you like a... mas-sage? A sensssual mas-sage? Austin hits a button and a series of actions take place: the floor opens up to reveal a sunken bed; red gels slide into place over the lamps; a painting slides back to reveal a reel-to-reel; an end table revolves to reveal a selection of massage oils. Felicity lies on her stomach. Austin begins to massage her. AUSTIN How does that feel, baby? FELICITY Mmm, lower. AUSTIN (lowering his voice) HOW DOES THAT FEEL, BABY? They laugh. Austin continues to massage her. FELICITY Wait, something's itching me. She reaches behind her and unties the strap of her evening dress, revealing her naked back. FELICITY That's better. AUSTIN Crikey!!! Austin GULPS and accidentally spurts way too much oil on her. AUSTIN Sorry. Austin continues the back rub and Felicity stretches out on the bed. AUSTIN (talking to his crotch) Hello, anyone home? C'mon lads, do it for England. Austin takes a peak-- nothing. He is panicked. FELICITY Oh, that was so relaxing. Felicity stretches very sexily. AUSTIN Would you 'like to see my etchings? FELICITY (sexy) I think I'm ready for bed. She moves close to Austin. He slides to the other side of the bed. AUSTIN I'll get you some PJs. FELICITY No, I'm ready for bed. She moves over to him. He avoids her. AUSTIN Oh, you'll want to clean your teeth then. Austin holds up toothpaste and toothbrush. Felicity finally grabs him and pins him to the bed. FELICITY No, I want to have sex with you, Austin. AUSTIN Hello Vicar! FELICITY I've studied everything about you- your methods, your accomplishments, your preferences. You're the reason I became a spy. Now, I've waited two years to meet you, so I say we get busy making up for lost time. Austin sits up. AUSTIN (reflective) Felicity, I used to think that way, too, but I guess... I guess I've changed. Not to make a short story long, or to ramble on and on, or to keep talking in a repetitive manner ad infinitum until it becomes impossible to remember what I was talking about in the first place, but- where was I? MUSIC: SAD INSTRUMENTAL AUSTIN Oh yes. Felicity, I can't shag you. I've lost my mojo. FELICITY (obviously disappointed) Oh. AUSTIN I thought coming back to the Sixties would bring it back, but it hasn't. FELICITY Austin, don't worry. I know just the man to help you. He's my guru. Ringo recommended him and he's the best. AUSTIN I'll warm up the Jumbo Jet, baby! EXT. AUSTIN'S PSYCHEDELIC JUMBO JET Austin's plane in flight. EXT. INDIA - STOCK FOOTAGE EXT./INT. BEETLE Austin and Felicity drive against obvious rear screen projection of India. INT. ASHRAM It looks like a mosque, with incense, tapestries, and DISCIPLES. Austin and Felicity enter. MUSIC: SITAR FELICITY There he is. That's my guru. We see the GURU PITKA (played by Mike), an Indian man in a bright red sari. FELICITY Guru, I'd like you to meet Austin Powers. AUSTIN How are you baby? GURU PITKA My chakras are aligned and I am in a perfect state of equipoise. AUSTIN Good on ya. I don't know what that means but it sounds fab. FELICITY Guru, we need some advice. GURU PITKA Hold your horses and any other beasts- of burden. I must lead my disciples in meditation and then I will help you. The Guru walks to the front of the room and the disciples sink to their knees. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA My name is the Guru Pitka. I am a spiritual teacher and I have combined many disparate disciplines into a unified movement of human potentiality and equipoise that I learned from my guru, the late Guru Shastri, a chaste man who died mysteriously of a disease that strangely had all the hallmarks of syphilis. He would say to me, Sparky, love is all, life is breath. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA Now, perhaps you are wondering where I got the nickname Sparky. Well, when we were young we used to play a game called "Stinkmop". We would urinate into a bucket, dip a mop into it, and play tag. I did not care for "Stinkmop" and a very wise old man said to me 'oh lighten up, Sparky', and I don't know, the name kind of stuck. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhhh... GURU PITKA Now, the reason I am a spiritualist instead of a therapist is that 'therapist' often becomes 'the rapist' and that will not help us attain potentiality. Now what is potentiality? It is the ability to achieve those goals that we wish to achieve for ourselves. People often say to me that they feel "nowhere", and I am going to change that to "Now here." The guru holds up a card which says "NOWHERE = NOW HERE!" DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh... GURU PITKA And you have many assumptions about your goals, but when you "assume" You make an "ass" out of "u" and "me". Guru holds up a card which says "ASSUME = ASS - U - ME." DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh.... GURU PITKA The being, or that which we call 'ourselves', is not the tinker. It is not the taughts. It is the Gap between the tinker and the taughts! We are not our mind, we are not our body, we are the Gap! Guru holds up a card that says "NOT TINKER, NOT TAUGHTS, BUT THE GAP" with the familiar Gap font. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA (rapid fire) The heart of the matter is that you are the heart of the matter. There is no "I" in "team". Beer before liquor, never sicker. Don't take a wooden nickel. If your pipe is short and your pump is weak, you better stand close or you'll piss on your feet. He who goes to bed with itchy bum wakes up with smelly finger. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA Finally, the path to spiritual awakening requires the death of ego. Leggo of my ego! Let us end with the mantra: Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. DISCIPLES (chanting) Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. The Guru takes a swig of Yoo-Hoo. GURU PITKA Go with God, and pay at the door please. The disciples file out. Austin and Felicity approach. GURU PITKA How can I help you? AUSTIN Guru, I'm having trouble performing. GURU PITKA What do you mean? AUSTIN You know- my bits and pieces are a bit sleepy. GURU PITKA I'm not understanding. AUSTIN I've forgotten the steps to the Mummy- Daddy dance. GURU PITKA Still not clear. AUSTIN My flag's at half mast and no one will salute it. GURU PITKA Sorry? AUSTIN My Willie don't work. GURU PITKA Why are you beating around the bush? AUSTIN That's my problem. GURU PITKA Ohhhhh, I get it. (beat) No, I don't get it. FELICITY He's impotent! AUSTIN Alright, easy. (to Guru) Felicity and I were all set for some hump Olympics and I couldn't bat for six. GURU PITKA Oh, yes, I see. AUSTIN You have no idea what I'm saying, do you? GURU PITKA Not a word. AUSTIN Guru, I've lost my mojo. GURU PITKA Oh, mojo! You should have said so. Well, you've lost your mojo because your chakras are misaligned. You have lost love. AUSTIN Lost love? Oh, you mean Vanessa? FELICITY Who's Vanessa? AUSTIN She was an evil robot minion of Dr. Evil. I couldn't have loved her. GURU PITKA Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, buddy. You will only get your mojo back when you surround yourself with love. AUSTIN Oh, I get what you're saying now! He's talking about free love, baby! Tune in, turn on, and drop out! GURU PITKA I am talking about true love. You must stay and study until you are worthy. AUSTIN No way, man. The only way to surround yourself with love is to throw a swinging shin-dig! Yeah, baby, yeah! INT. DR.EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR Dr. Evil and Frau are interrupted by the man we now know as FAT BASTARD. He is foul-mouthed, and when he swears he is bleeped. DR. EVIL Well done, Fat Bastard. May I have the mojo? FAT BASTARD First things first, where's your shitter? I've gotta bleepin, turtle head pokin' out. DR. EVIL (disgusted) Right. Charming. Fat Bastard- you don't mind me calling you Fat Bastard do you? FAT BASTARD I've got a lot of demons kickin' around in my noggin, but weight issues ain't one of them. DR. EVIL Alright, Fatty- FAT BASTARD The name is Fat Bastard! I'm the incorrect weight for my height and I was born out of wedlock, hence the moniker Fat Bastard. Hey, I'm not kiddin'. I've got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey. DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, the mojo? FAT BASTARD Where's my (bleeping) money? DR. EVIL A gentlemen never discusses money. FAT BASTARD Fine, you can take your (bleep)in' money and shove it up your (bleep), you stupid (bleeping) prick! While you're at it you can suck my greasy, two-toned (bleep)! DR. EVIL (pause) Vulgarity is no substitute for wit. FAT BASTARD (Bleep) you! DR. EVIL Right. Bring in the money. Dr. Evil PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIERS drive in a forklift loaded with gold bars. FAT BASTARD Alright, here it is. Fat Bastard slowly draws out the high-tech syringe full of MOJO. Dr. Evil is mesmerized. DR. EVIL Mini-Me, fetch. Mini-Me runs and snatches the mojo from Fat Bastard and gives it to Dr. Evil, who caresses it and places it on a SPECIALLY PREPARED PEDESTAL. NUMBER TWO enters. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I have some bad news. Austin Powers is back in the Sixties. One of our best assassins spotted him but he got away. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous, we have his mojo. NUMBER TWO There is another. Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Suddenly, Scott Evil enters through TIME PORTAL. DR. EVIL Scott, what are you doing here? SCOTT I don't know, I was sitting around watching the tube and The Courtship of Eddie's Father came on Nick at Nite, you know, and I was just listening to that theme song-- (hums/sings the theme) Anyway it made me think that maybe we could try and work things out. You know, you are my Dad and I need you. DR. EVIL You had your chance, Scott. I already have someone created in my image. He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins. (looking around) Has anyone seen Mini-Me? (calling out) Mini-Me! Mini-Mouse? Mini-Driver? Hello! Mini Pearl? Can we put a frickin' bell on him or something? Scott, very hurt, sits back in his chair and sulks. Dr. Evil hits a button and a model moon and a model earth descend. DR. EVIL Gentlemen, phase three. We place a giant laser on the moon. Let me demonstrate. (beat) Where's my laser? Dr. Evil looks around and sees Mini-Me gnawing on the model laser. Dr. Evil takes it from his mouth DR. EVIL Mini-Me, don't chew my laser. (to room) Not feeling well. He has an ear infection, but tit's OK. (pause) No? Nothing? (back to model) Anyway, the laser is powerful enough to destroy every city on the planet at will. We'll turn the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star". Scott SNICKERS. DR. EVIL What? SCOTT (snickering again) Nothing Darth. DR. EVIL What did you call me? SCOTT Nothing. (pretends to sneeze) Rip-off! DR. EVIL (unsure) Bless you? Anyways, since my "death star" laser was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist, Dr. Parsons. I thought we'd name it in his honor-- the Alan Parsons Project. Scott SNICKERS again. DR. EVIL What now? SCOTT The Alan Parsons Project was a progressive rock band from 1982. Why don't you just name it Operation Wang Chung, ass? DR. EVIL (indicating laser) When you get your own evil empire, you can call it whatever you want. Gentlemen, allow me to demonstrate the awesome lethality of the Alan Parsons Project. Fire the laser! INSERT SHOT: A giant laser beam smashes down through the roof of the White House, causing it to explode. Everyone is shocked by the laser's power. NUMBER TWO My God, Dr. Evil, you destroyed the Wihite House with no warning! DR. EVIL Actually, that was just footage from the 1996 blockbuster motion Picture Independence Day, but it would be a lot like that. What do you think, Scott? SCOTT Yeah, Codename: Thompson Twins was really impressive. DR. EVIL Shhhh! SCOTT I'm nineteen, I don't- DR. EVIL Shh! Shh-Shh. Shh-Shhhhhh-Shh. Shh- shh! It's Morse code. (reading imaginary paper) Let me decipher... it says 'shhhhh!' SCOTT You are so lame- DR. EVIL (like Electric Company) Ssssss...huuuuuh...Shhhhh! NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, what are we going to do about Powers? DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, in addition to being extremely rotund, you're a vicious killer. Take care of it. FAT BASTARD It'll be my pleasure. DR. EVIL It's an easy job. Without his mojo, Powers will be...powerless? INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT A party, packed with dancing freaks of every stripe, is in full swing. A girl dances in an oversized birdcage. AUSTIN This shag-in is gonna blow your mind, baby, yeah! The party sequence is shot like Laugh-In. Very fast cuts to the music. Austin sees a VERY PREGNANT WOMAN drinking a martini and smoking. He gently lifts her drink and cigarette away from her. PREGNANT WOMAN Hey! AUSTIN You'll thank me later, baby. Another angle. Austin and Felicity dancing. AUSTIN (noticing someone) Hey! Ricardo Monteblan, how are you? We see RICARDO MONTEBLAN -smoking a hukka on a round chair. RICARDO Hello, Austin! Balls, said the queen and the king laughed because he had too. AUSTIN (to camera) Crazy, man! FELICITY Let's split up and scope the scene. AUSTIN Don't do anything I wouldn't do- at least not without me. Felicity slaps Austin on the butt as he walks off. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: Austin at the bar with an exotic-looking mod chick. AUSTIN (to chick) You're very exotic, baby. Do you have a little English in you? CHICK No. AUSTIN Would you like to? CUT TO: An Alan Zeus-type very gay guy. ALAN ZEUS GUY (rolling his eyes) This is ridiculous! CUT TO: A LONDON COP and Felicity are on hanging chairs. LONDON COP Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz? FELICITY No, but I bet it really hurts. CUT TO: A GUY IN A RAINCOAT on a tricycle, shot undercranked, rides through the party and falls over. CUT TO: Austin pops into frame with a book that says "AUSTIN POWERS SEXY DICTIONARY". AUSTIN The Austin Powers Sexy Dictionary defines an Eskimo hooker as a frosty prosty. CUT TO: An eskimo at the bar in a fur parka. ESKIMO (to camera) I don't get it. CUT TO: The camera pans up Felicity's cool hip-huggers, which are very tight. AUSTIN Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants, baby? FELICITY Well you can start by buying me a drink. Austin does a spit take. CUT TO: Felicity with a VIKING. VIKING You were great last night. By the way, I'm Thor. FELICITY You're Thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly thit. CUT TO: Austin is wearing a silly spiked German helmet like in Hogan's Heroes. AUSTIN (German accent) Hello, I am Baron Von Firstinbed. Last night I had German-Chinese food. An hour later I was hungry- for power. CUT TO: ZEUS GUY Oh puh-leez, why don't you take a handful of F-off pills? CUT TO: AUSTIN Did you hear about the contortionist who was engaged to be married? FELICITY Yeah, I heard she broke it off. CUT TO: Film running backwards of Austin doing a spit take. CUT TO: ARTIE JOHNSON in German helmet behind a plant. ARTIE JOHNSON Verrrrry interesting- but shtupid! CUT TO: Austin takes his glasses off to clean them. We see his POV, which is totally fuzzy. He looks over and sees what appears to be a NUDE GIRL- two round globes and dark triangle. Austin puts his glasses on and looks again. It is actually a girl in a flesh-colored dress. In between her and Austin were two COMPLETELY BALD MEN and a triangular martini glass filled with a Cosmopolitan. CUT TO: Cut to Austin and Felicity together again. FELICITY Look at that. She points to where Fat Bastard and his companion are standing. AUSTIN That's not a pretty sight. Who is he? FELICITY Until recently he worked security for the MOD, but we think he might be a double agent, possibly for Dr. Evil. AUSTIN How do you know? FELICITY We've noticed that his lifestyle has changed dramatically. He's made a lot of cash purchases, he's hanging out with foxes half his age, and he's becomes quite a fixture on the London party circuit. AUSTIN Who's the girl? FELICITY I don't know, but it looks like he's splitting. Fat Bastard exits. FELICITY I'll follow him. You see what you can get out of the girl. We'll rendezvous later. Felicity follows Fat Bastard out the door. Austin makes his way over to the girl. AUSTIN Hello, hello. GIRL Hello, Mr. Powers. Fab party. AUSTIN Who are you today, baby? GIRL Robin. Robin Swallows. AUSTIN Swallows? That's an interesting name. Are you English? ROBIN SWALLOWS German, actually. My maiden name is Spitz. AUSTIN Well which is it, baby, Spitz or Swallows? Either way, it's a pleasure. ROBIN SWALLOWS The pleasure is mine. She extends her hand. Austin takes it and shakes. As he shakes, her cleavage undulates like jello. Austin is transfixed and keeps shaking far too long. AUSTIN Charmed, I'm sure. (still shaking, her breasts jiggle) How do you do? (still shaking, jiggling) Yes, quite. (shakes, jiggles) I always enjoy meeting new people. (shakes, jiggles) How's your mum? Good. (shakes, jiggles) I love shaking hands. Austin. is shaking her hand so vigorously that she is in danger of popping out of her dress. AUSTIN (snapping out of it) So, who was your friend? ROBIN SWALLOWS His name is Fat Bastard. AUSTIN It suits him. ROBIN SWALLOWS He's my lover. Austin is grossed out. AUSTIN OK. Would you happen to know if he's in business with a man named Mr. Evil? ROBIN SWALLOWS I don't know anyone named Dr. Evil. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Evil. Austin does a smug take. AUSTIN Something to drink? Would you like a Mister Pepper? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes, I'd love a Doctor Pepper. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Pepper. Austin does another smug take. Robin grabs Austin and pulls him close. ROBIN SWALLOWS You're a groovy boy, I'd like to strap you on sometime. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: ALAN ZEUS-TYPE GUY IN LIMBO ALAN ZEUS TYPE Meanwhile... BACK TO: EXT. FISH AND CHIPS STAND - NIGHT Literally a window in a wall. Fat Bastard is placing his order. FAT BASTARD ...and I'll have a fried-prawn sandwich, with extra mayonnaise, two whole chickens, a kidney pie, a toad in the hole, bubble and squeak, bangers and mash, 3 orders of fish and chips, and... a Fresca. No ice. We pan to see Felicity beside him. FELICITY I love a man with a large appetite. FAT BASTARD And I love a woman with big (bleeps), so let's shut up and get to (bleep)ing. Felicity swallows hard and forces a smile. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT AUSTIN Can I ask you a question? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes. AUSTIN Thank you. Beat. ROBIN SWALLOWS Well, what's the question? AUSTIN Oh, yes. Would you like to shag? Would you? ROBIN SWALLOWS I'd love to, Mr. Powers, just come right... over... here. Robin moves Austin into place as they dance. AUSTIN You're a bit of alright. Just then, Austin looks into her eyes and sees the REFLECTION OF AN ASSASSIN (Oedipus) about to throw a knife. Just as he throws it, Austin spins Robin Swallows around and USES HER AS A SHIELD. She takes the knife squarely in the back. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the revolver. Oedipus pulls out a pistol and begins FIRING. Austin continues to use Robin AS A SHIELD. She takes six hits. Oedipus runs out of bullets. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the machine gun. Oedipus pulls out a machine gun and FIRES. In a Robert Rodriquez- like flurry of events, Austin dodges while still USING HER AS

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How many times the word 'date' appears in the text?

BASIL EXPOSITION Agent Haggerty was the test, Austin. Not only were you actually reading an article in that Playboy, but a candy-stripe nurse offering to give you a sponge bath didn't so much as turn your head. AUSTIN Wait, I can explain, man! I was going to shag her but the article was so fascinating-- BASIL EXPOSITION I'm sorry, Austin, I'm afraid it's true: you've lost your mojo. Basil shows Austin the mojometer, which reads EMPTY. AUSTIN (crushed) Without my mojo, I'm useless to the Ministry and to Her Majesty. I think it's time to retire. BASIL EXPOSITION I'm afraid that's not possible, Austin. You see, Dr. Evil has returned. AUSTIN Again? BASIL EXPOSITION Again. INT. MOD - TIME-TRAVEL ROOM Austin and Basil ride on the back of a golf cart through the largest room you've ever seen in your life. BASIL EXPOSITION We have evidence that Dr. Evil has developed a time machine. Basil shows Austin altered photos of Dr. Evil with famous villains, such as Sadam, Nixon, and Donald Trump. BASIL EXPOSITION Our researcher noticed that these photos from the archives have changed. That means Dr. Evil is traveling back in time and creating alliances with each decade's most despised villains. Austin tries to read them and gets queasy. AUSTIN I can't read in the car. I get a bit vomy. Austin burps and swallows it. AUSTIN Got it. I almost gipped. BASIL EXPOSITION (V.O.) Our data indicates that Dr. Evil is in the year 1969. Luckily, we also have a time travel device. After years of research we've developed a machine that will transport you back to the Sixties. A bright overhead light comes on spotlighting a brand new VOLKSWAGEN BEETLE CONVERTIBLE, painted up psychedelic by Peter Max. AUSTIN But Basil, isn't that the new Volkswagen Beetle? BASIL EXPOSITION That's what they'd like you to believe. AUSTIN So, Basil, if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967, I could go look at my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the 90's and traveled back to the Sixties? (goes cross-eyed) Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed. BASIL EXPOSITION (to camera) I suggest you don't worry about those things and just enjoy yourself. Austin gets into the car and turns it on. AUSTIN This is smashing Basil. I'll go back to the Sixties, recharge my mojo, defeat Dr. Evil and be back in time for tea. BASIL EXPOSITION Good luck, Austin. AUSTIN Luck has nothing to do with it, Basil. Austin steps on the gas. The car lurches in reverse and smashes some equipment. AUSTIN Sorry. (changing gears) Swinging Sixties, here I come, baby, yeah! The car takes off, heading for the wall. It DISAPPEARS, leaving flaming tread marks. FLASH CUT TO: EXT. STREET - LONDON - The Beetle time machine appears out of nowhere and screeches to a stop. A London HIPPIE smoking a hukka watches. He throws the hukka down. Austin hops out. AUSTIN I feel better already, man! Austin smiles and we see that his teeth are back to being TERRIBLE. He walks off as a crowd gathers around the car. EXT. PARK - LONDON Austin enters the park in high spirits. We PULL BACK to see that Austin is being watched through binoculars by a big ARYAN ASSASSIN. PULL BACK FURTHER to reveal a beautiful MYSTERIOUS WOMAN watching both of them. From this distance we can't tell who she is. A sign reads "BE-IN FOR PEACE". HIPPIES, MODS, and FREAKS of all descriptions dance to the music of a PSYCHEDELIC BAND. The band's name is on the drum kit: "MING TEA." AUSTIN Alright, baby, a swinging shin-dig! Austin gets into the dancing, quickly becoming the center of the scene. The lead singer of the band invites him on stage and hands him the microphone as the band starts a new song: "SEXUAL REVOLUTION." Austin begins singing and a choreographed musical number begins involving the outdoor crowd a la Bob Fosse's Sweet Charity or Hair. AUSTIN (singing) 'THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION, YOU CAN FEEL IT IN THE AIR. PEOPLE SHAGGING JUST LIKE WEASELS AND THEY JUST DON'T SEEM TO CARE. Hip-thrusting young MOD FREAKS Fosse-hump rhythmically. AUSTIN (singing) HEY, WATCH OUT SQUARES... YOU MAKES US BORED! THE PENIS IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD Austin does various groovy dance moves like THE ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOT and THE HEAVYWEIGHT. AUSTIN (singing) THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION AND YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET PEOPLE SHAGGING IN THE CLUBS AND INSIDE A JUMBO JET Forty Austins appear in a KALEIDOSCOPE EFFECT. AUSTIN (singing) HEY SQUARE WORLD THE END IS NIGH. WHEN WE SAY HUMP YOU SAY 'HOW HIGH?' Three GROOVY CHICKS behind Austin suddenly have tambourines for the big finale. The assassin and the mysterious woman are both in the audience, keeping an eye on Austin. All we see of the woman are shots of her BOOTS, CLOTHES, and a FEMALE SYMBOL MEDALLION. AUSTIN (singing) SO GO MAKE LOVE OR MASTURBATE-- SEXUAL FREEDOM WILL NEVER BE OUT OF DAAAAAAAAAAATE! Austin holds the note an improbably long time, arms outstretched. The dancers crouch-walk towards the camera. EVERYONE (chanting) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (shouting) IT'S THE SIXTIES! The SONG ENDS and all the dancers end up on one knee with their arms outstretched, panting. Austin breathes heavily and smiles smugly like Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance. We are TIGHT ON Austin's ass. PULL BACK to see that it is the MYSTERIOUS WOMAN who is watching Austin's ass. She SMILES behind the binoculars hiding her face. 37 EXT. CARNABY ST. Austin walks down the street looking at his new BEATLES ALBUM. Sitting in a parked Citroen watching him is the ASSASSIN. The Aryan assassin nods to a SHOE-SHINE on the street. The shoe-shine boy nods to a BUSINESS MAN in a Homburg. The business man nods to a BOBBY. The bobby nods to a WOMAN WITH A BABY CARRIAGE. The woman with a baby carriage nods to a MIME. The mime nods to a BLIND BEGGAR with a tin cup. The blind beggar nods to a CARPENTER on a roof. The carpenter FLASHES A LIGHT to an INDIAN CHIEF. The Indian Chief gives a SMOKE SIGNAL to a TELEGRAPH OPERATOR. The telegraph operator sends a signal to the BEEFEATER GUARD. The Beefeater salutes with his pike to a SEXY TICKET COLLECTOR on a double-decker bus. The sexy ticket collector signals a TAXI DRIVER. The taxi driver nods back to the assassin as he drives by. INT. CITROEN The assassin gets the signal and starts the car. The whole nodding sequence was a circular waste of time. EXT. STREET - VARIOUS ANGLES Austin walks along. Suddenly, he sees the Citroen coming at him. He dives out of the way and takes off running. He rounds a corner and pretends to be a COUPLE MAKING OUT against a wall by hugging himself. The assassin sees him and slams on the brakes. He raises his gun. Austin turns as he hears a car HONK. It's Austin's BEETLE CONVERTIBLE. The mysterious woman steps out. We see her in her entirety for the first time, and what a sight it is. She has long auburn hair and wears a tight racing suit, unzipped just enough to show the female symbol medallion. She is FELICITY SHAGWELL. MUSIC: FELICITY'S THEME FELICITY Care for a ride? AUSTIN That's my Beetle, baby. FELICITY It was your Beetle. Get in. Austin dives in as the assassin FIRES. The car speeds off. INT. BEETLE (REAR PROJECTION) Felicity drives expertly. FELICITY Austin Powers, I presume? AUSTIN Powers by name, Powers by reputation. FELICITY Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Shagwell by name, Shag-very-Well by reputation. AUSTIN (turning to camera) Crazy, baby! EXT. ROAD The Beetle zips along, and then-- the Citroen appears behind it. The assassin FIRES. INT. BEETLE Felicity turns around to look. FELICITY Grab the wheel, would you? Austin grabs the wheel and Felicity pulls a gun. She turns and FIRES out the window. EXT. ROAD The assassin's tire BLOWS. The car skids towards a Cliff and he jumps out as it goes over. EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN The car goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it EXPLODES. EXT. CLIFF The assassin hangs on to a branch with one hand. He falls. ASSASSIN Ahhhhhhhh! EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN Same shot as the car: The assassin's body goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it, too, EXPLODES. FELICITY Well, Austin, I think this time you may have met your match. AUSTIN Oh, I've beaten Dr. Evil before, and I'll beat him again. FELICITY I was talking about me. She smiles, turns, and walks away. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD The room is dark, with only a single spotlight providing illumination. Suddenly, Austin and Felicity rise on an elevator into the middle of the spotlight. AUSTIN Welcome to my shag pad, baby. Light floods the pad, revealing hanging basket chairs, Hi- fi, and Warhol silk screens of Austin. Austin blows DUST off a table. AUSTIN Care for something to drink? Austin hits a button and a bookcase revolves to reveal a wetbar. AUSTIN Or perhaps something to read? Austin walks seductively over to the real wetbar and hits a button. It revolves to reveal a bookcase. AUSTIN How about a hot cup of coffee? FELICITY Yes, I rather fancy a grind. AUSTIN Oh, Behave! Austin hits a button and an automatic coffee-pourer pours a cup. MUSIC: Girl from Impenema by JOBIM AUSTIN Would you like a... mas-sage? A sensssual mas-sage? Austin hits a button and a series of actions take place: the floor opens up to reveal a sunken bed; red gels slide into place over the lamps; a painting slides back to reveal a reel-to-reel; an end table revolves to reveal a selection of massage oils. Felicity lies on her stomach. Austin begins to massage her. AUSTIN How does that feel, baby? FELICITY Mmm, lower. AUSTIN (lowering his voice) HOW DOES THAT FEEL, BABY? They laugh. Austin continues to massage her. FELICITY Wait, something's itching me. She reaches behind her and unties the strap of her evening dress, revealing her naked back. FELICITY That's better. AUSTIN Crikey!!! Austin GULPS and accidentally spurts way too much oil on her. AUSTIN Sorry. Austin continues the back rub and Felicity stretches out on the bed. AUSTIN (talking to his crotch) Hello, anyone home? C'mon lads, do it for England. Austin takes a peak-- nothing. He is panicked. FELICITY Oh, that was so relaxing. Felicity stretches very sexily. AUSTIN Would you 'like to see my etchings? FELICITY (sexy) I think I'm ready for bed. She moves close to Austin. He slides to the other side of the bed. AUSTIN I'll get you some PJs. FELICITY No, I'm ready for bed. She moves over to him. He avoids her. AUSTIN Oh, you'll want to clean your teeth then. Austin holds up toothpaste and toothbrush. Felicity finally grabs him and pins him to the bed. FELICITY No, I want to have sex with you, Austin. AUSTIN Hello Vicar! FELICITY I've studied everything about you- your methods, your accomplishments, your preferences. You're the reason I became a spy. Now, I've waited two years to meet you, so I say we get busy making up for lost time. Austin sits up. AUSTIN (reflective) Felicity, I used to think that way, too, but I guess... I guess I've changed. Not to make a short story long, or to ramble on and on, or to keep talking in a repetitive manner ad infinitum until it becomes impossible to remember what I was talking about in the first place, but- where was I? MUSIC: SAD INSTRUMENTAL AUSTIN Oh yes. Felicity, I can't shag you. I've lost my mojo. FELICITY (obviously disappointed) Oh. AUSTIN I thought coming back to the Sixties would bring it back, but it hasn't. FELICITY Austin, don't worry. I know just the man to help you. He's my guru. Ringo recommended him and he's the best. AUSTIN I'll warm up the Jumbo Jet, baby! EXT. AUSTIN'S PSYCHEDELIC JUMBO JET Austin's plane in flight. EXT. INDIA - STOCK FOOTAGE EXT./INT. BEETLE Austin and Felicity drive against obvious rear screen projection of India. INT. ASHRAM It looks like a mosque, with incense, tapestries, and DISCIPLES. Austin and Felicity enter. MUSIC: SITAR FELICITY There he is. That's my guru. We see the GURU PITKA (played by Mike), an Indian man in a bright red sari. FELICITY Guru, I'd like you to meet Austin Powers. AUSTIN How are you baby? GURU PITKA My chakras are aligned and I am in a perfect state of equipoise. AUSTIN Good on ya. I don't know what that means but it sounds fab. FELICITY Guru, we need some advice. GURU PITKA Hold your horses and any other beasts- of burden. I must lead my disciples in meditation and then I will help you. The Guru walks to the front of the room and the disciples sink to their knees. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA My name is the Guru Pitka. I am a spiritual teacher and I have combined many disparate disciplines into a unified movement of human potentiality and equipoise that I learned from my guru, the late Guru Shastri, a chaste man who died mysteriously of a disease that strangely had all the hallmarks of syphilis. He would say to me, Sparky, love is all, life is breath. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA Now, perhaps you are wondering where I got the nickname Sparky. Well, when we were young we used to play a game called "Stinkmop". We would urinate into a bucket, dip a mop into it, and play tag. I did not care for "Stinkmop" and a very wise old man said to me 'oh lighten up, Sparky', and I don't know, the name kind of stuck. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhhh... GURU PITKA Now, the reason I am a spiritualist instead of a therapist is that 'therapist' often becomes 'the rapist' and that will not help us attain potentiality. Now what is potentiality? It is the ability to achieve those goals that we wish to achieve for ourselves. People often say to me that they feel "nowhere", and I am going to change that to "Now here." The guru holds up a card which says "NOWHERE = NOW HERE!" DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh... GURU PITKA And you have many assumptions about your goals, but when you "assume" You make an "ass" out of "u" and "me". Guru holds up a card which says "ASSUME = ASS - U - ME." DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh.... GURU PITKA The being, or that which we call 'ourselves', is not the tinker. It is not the taughts. It is the Gap between the tinker and the taughts! We are not our mind, we are not our body, we are the Gap! Guru holds up a card that says "NOT TINKER, NOT TAUGHTS, BUT THE GAP" with the familiar Gap font. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA (rapid fire) The heart of the matter is that you are the heart of the matter. There is no "I" in "team". Beer before liquor, never sicker. Don't take a wooden nickel. If your pipe is short and your pump is weak, you better stand close or you'll piss on your feet. He who goes to bed with itchy bum wakes up with smelly finger. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA Finally, the path to spiritual awakening requires the death of ego. Leggo of my ego! Let us end with the mantra: Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. DISCIPLES (chanting) Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. The Guru takes a swig of Yoo-Hoo. GURU PITKA Go with God, and pay at the door please. The disciples file out. Austin and Felicity approach. GURU PITKA How can I help you? AUSTIN Guru, I'm having trouble performing. GURU PITKA What do you mean? AUSTIN You know- my bits and pieces are a bit sleepy. GURU PITKA I'm not understanding. AUSTIN I've forgotten the steps to the Mummy- Daddy dance. GURU PITKA Still not clear. AUSTIN My flag's at half mast and no one will salute it. GURU PITKA Sorry? AUSTIN My Willie don't work. GURU PITKA Why are you beating around the bush? AUSTIN That's my problem. GURU PITKA Ohhhhh, I get it. (beat) No, I don't get it. FELICITY He's impotent! AUSTIN Alright, easy. (to Guru) Felicity and I were all set for some hump Olympics and I couldn't bat for six. GURU PITKA Oh, yes, I see. AUSTIN You have no idea what I'm saying, do you? GURU PITKA Not a word. AUSTIN Guru, I've lost my mojo. GURU PITKA Oh, mojo! You should have said so. Well, you've lost your mojo because your chakras are misaligned. You have lost love. AUSTIN Lost love? Oh, you mean Vanessa? FELICITY Who's Vanessa? AUSTIN She was an evil robot minion of Dr. Evil. I couldn't have loved her. GURU PITKA Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, buddy. You will only get your mojo back when you surround yourself with love. AUSTIN Oh, I get what you're saying now! He's talking about free love, baby! Tune in, turn on, and drop out! GURU PITKA I am talking about true love. You must stay and study until you are worthy. AUSTIN No way, man. The only way to surround yourself with love is to throw a swinging shin-dig! Yeah, baby, yeah! INT. DR.EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR Dr. Evil and Frau are interrupted by the man we now know as FAT BASTARD. He is foul-mouthed, and when he swears he is bleeped. DR. EVIL Well done, Fat Bastard. May I have the mojo? FAT BASTARD First things first, where's your shitter? I've gotta bleepin, turtle head pokin' out. DR. EVIL (disgusted) Right. Charming. Fat Bastard- you don't mind me calling you Fat Bastard do you? FAT BASTARD I've got a lot of demons kickin' around in my noggin, but weight issues ain't one of them. DR. EVIL Alright, Fatty- FAT BASTARD The name is Fat Bastard! I'm the incorrect weight for my height and I was born out of wedlock, hence the moniker Fat Bastard. Hey, I'm not kiddin'. I've got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey. DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, the mojo? FAT BASTARD Where's my (bleeping) money? DR. EVIL A gentlemen never discusses money. FAT BASTARD Fine, you can take your (bleep)in' money and shove it up your (bleep), you stupid (bleeping) prick! While you're at it you can suck my greasy, two-toned (bleep)! DR. EVIL (pause) Vulgarity is no substitute for wit. FAT BASTARD (Bleep) you! DR. EVIL Right. Bring in the money. Dr. Evil PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIERS drive in a forklift loaded with gold bars. FAT BASTARD Alright, here it is. Fat Bastard slowly draws out the high-tech syringe full of MOJO. Dr. Evil is mesmerized. DR. EVIL Mini-Me, fetch. Mini-Me runs and snatches the mojo from Fat Bastard and gives it to Dr. Evil, who caresses it and places it on a SPECIALLY PREPARED PEDESTAL. NUMBER TWO enters. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I have some bad news. Austin Powers is back in the Sixties. One of our best assassins spotted him but he got away. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous, we have his mojo. NUMBER TWO There is another. Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Suddenly, Scott Evil enters through TIME PORTAL. DR. EVIL Scott, what are you doing here? SCOTT I don't know, I was sitting around watching the tube and The Courtship of Eddie's Father came on Nick at Nite, you know, and I was just listening to that theme song-- (hums/sings the theme) Anyway it made me think that maybe we could try and work things out. You know, you are my Dad and I need you. DR. EVIL You had your chance, Scott. I already have someone created in my image. He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins. (looking around) Has anyone seen Mini-Me? (calling out) Mini-Me! Mini-Mouse? Mini-Driver? Hello! Mini Pearl? Can we put a frickin' bell on him or something? Scott, very hurt, sits back in his chair and sulks. Dr. Evil hits a button and a model moon and a model earth descend. DR. EVIL Gentlemen, phase three. We place a giant laser on the moon. Let me demonstrate. (beat) Where's my laser? Dr. Evil looks around and sees Mini-Me gnawing on the model laser. Dr. Evil takes it from his mouth DR. EVIL Mini-Me, don't chew my laser. (to room) Not feeling well. He has an ear infection, but tit's OK. (pause) No? Nothing? (back to model) Anyway, the laser is powerful enough to destroy every city on the planet at will. We'll turn the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star". Scott SNICKERS. DR. EVIL What? SCOTT (snickering again) Nothing Darth. DR. EVIL What did you call me? SCOTT Nothing. (pretends to sneeze) Rip-off! DR. EVIL (unsure) Bless you? Anyways, since my "death star" laser was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist, Dr. Parsons. I thought we'd name it in his honor-- the Alan Parsons Project. Scott SNICKERS again. DR. EVIL What now? SCOTT The Alan Parsons Project was a progressive rock band from 1982. Why don't you just name it Operation Wang Chung, ass? DR. EVIL (indicating laser) When you get your own evil empire, you can call it whatever you want. Gentlemen, allow me to demonstrate the awesome lethality of the Alan Parsons Project. Fire the laser! INSERT SHOT: A giant laser beam smashes down through the roof of the White House, causing it to explode. Everyone is shocked by the laser's power. NUMBER TWO My God, Dr. Evil, you destroyed the Wihite House with no warning! DR. EVIL Actually, that was just footage from the 1996 blockbuster motion Picture Independence Day, but it would be a lot like that. What do you think, Scott? SCOTT Yeah, Codename: Thompson Twins was really impressive. DR. EVIL Shhhh! SCOTT I'm nineteen, I don't- DR. EVIL Shh! Shh-Shh. Shh-Shhhhhh-Shh. Shh- shh! It's Morse code. (reading imaginary paper) Let me decipher... it says 'shhhhh!' SCOTT You are so lame- DR. EVIL (like Electric Company) Ssssss...huuuuuh...Shhhhh! NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, what are we going to do about Powers? DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, in addition to being extremely rotund, you're a vicious killer. Take care of it. FAT BASTARD It'll be my pleasure. DR. EVIL It's an easy job. Without his mojo, Powers will be...powerless? INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT A party, packed with dancing freaks of every stripe, is in full swing. A girl dances in an oversized birdcage. AUSTIN This shag-in is gonna blow your mind, baby, yeah! The party sequence is shot like Laugh-In. Very fast cuts to the music. Austin sees a VERY PREGNANT WOMAN drinking a martini and smoking. He gently lifts her drink and cigarette away from her. PREGNANT WOMAN Hey! AUSTIN You'll thank me later, baby. Another angle. Austin and Felicity dancing. AUSTIN (noticing someone) Hey! Ricardo Monteblan, how are you? We see RICARDO MONTEBLAN -smoking a hukka on a round chair. RICARDO Hello, Austin! Balls, said the queen and the king laughed because he had too. AUSTIN (to camera) Crazy, man! FELICITY Let's split up and scope the scene. AUSTIN Don't do anything I wouldn't do- at least not without me. Felicity slaps Austin on the butt as he walks off. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: Austin at the bar with an exotic-looking mod chick. AUSTIN (to chick) You're very exotic, baby. Do you have a little English in you? CHICK No. AUSTIN Would you like to? CUT TO: An Alan Zeus-type very gay guy. ALAN ZEUS GUY (rolling his eyes) This is ridiculous! CUT TO: A LONDON COP and Felicity are on hanging chairs. LONDON COP Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz? FELICITY No, but I bet it really hurts. CUT TO: A GUY IN A RAINCOAT on a tricycle, shot undercranked, rides through the party and falls over. CUT TO: Austin pops into frame with a book that says "AUSTIN POWERS SEXY DICTIONARY". AUSTIN The Austin Powers Sexy Dictionary defines an Eskimo hooker as a frosty prosty. CUT TO: An eskimo at the bar in a fur parka. ESKIMO (to camera) I don't get it. CUT TO: The camera pans up Felicity's cool hip-huggers, which are very tight. AUSTIN Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants, baby? FELICITY Well you can start by buying me a drink. Austin does a spit take. CUT TO: Felicity with a VIKING. VIKING You were great last night. By the way, I'm Thor. FELICITY You're Thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly thit. CUT TO: Austin is wearing a silly spiked German helmet like in Hogan's Heroes. AUSTIN (German accent) Hello, I am Baron Von Firstinbed. Last night I had German-Chinese food. An hour later I was hungry- for power. CUT TO: ZEUS GUY Oh puh-leez, why don't you take a handful of F-off pills? CUT TO: AUSTIN Did you hear about the contortionist who was engaged to be married? FELICITY Yeah, I heard she broke it off. CUT TO: Film running backwards of Austin doing a spit take. CUT TO: ARTIE JOHNSON in German helmet behind a plant. ARTIE JOHNSON Verrrrry interesting- but shtupid! CUT TO: Austin takes his glasses off to clean them. We see his POV, which is totally fuzzy. He looks over and sees what appears to be a NUDE GIRL- two round globes and dark triangle. Austin puts his glasses on and looks again. It is actually a girl in a flesh-colored dress. In between her and Austin were two COMPLETELY BALD MEN and a triangular martini glass filled with a Cosmopolitan. CUT TO: Cut to Austin and Felicity together again. FELICITY Look at that. She points to where Fat Bastard and his companion are standing. AUSTIN That's not a pretty sight. Who is he? FELICITY Until recently he worked security for the MOD, but we think he might be a double agent, possibly for Dr. Evil. AUSTIN How do you know? FELICITY We've noticed that his lifestyle has changed dramatically. He's made a lot of cash purchases, he's hanging out with foxes half his age, and he's becomes quite a fixture on the London party circuit. AUSTIN Who's the girl? FELICITY I don't know, but it looks like he's splitting. Fat Bastard exits. FELICITY I'll follow him. You see what you can get out of the girl. We'll rendezvous later. Felicity follows Fat Bastard out the door. Austin makes his way over to the girl. AUSTIN Hello, hello. GIRL Hello, Mr. Powers. Fab party. AUSTIN Who are you today, baby? GIRL Robin. Robin Swallows. AUSTIN Swallows? That's an interesting name. Are you English? ROBIN SWALLOWS German, actually. My maiden name is Spitz. AUSTIN Well which is it, baby, Spitz or Swallows? Either way, it's a pleasure. ROBIN SWALLOWS The pleasure is mine. She extends her hand. Austin takes it and shakes. As he shakes, her cleavage undulates like jello. Austin is transfixed and keeps shaking far too long. AUSTIN Charmed, I'm sure. (still shaking, her breasts jiggle) How do you do? (still shaking, jiggling) Yes, quite. (shakes, jiggles) I always enjoy meeting new people. (shakes, jiggles) How's your mum? Good. (shakes, jiggles) I love shaking hands. Austin. is shaking her hand so vigorously that she is in danger of popping out of her dress. AUSTIN (snapping out of it) So, who was your friend? ROBIN SWALLOWS His name is Fat Bastard. AUSTIN It suits him. ROBIN SWALLOWS He's my lover. Austin is grossed out. AUSTIN OK. Would you happen to know if he's in business with a man named Mr. Evil? ROBIN SWALLOWS I don't know anyone named Dr. Evil. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Evil. Austin does a smug take. AUSTIN Something to drink? Would you like a Mister Pepper? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes, I'd love a Doctor Pepper. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Pepper. Austin does another smug take. Robin grabs Austin and pulls him close. ROBIN SWALLOWS You're a groovy boy, I'd like to strap you on sometime. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: ALAN ZEUS-TYPE GUY IN LIMBO ALAN ZEUS TYPE Meanwhile... BACK TO: EXT. FISH AND CHIPS STAND - NIGHT Literally a window in a wall. Fat Bastard is placing his order. FAT BASTARD ...and I'll have a fried-prawn sandwich, with extra mayonnaise, two whole chickens, a kidney pie, a toad in the hole, bubble and squeak, bangers and mash, 3 orders of fish and chips, and... a Fresca. No ice. We pan to see Felicity beside him. FELICITY I love a man with a large appetite. FAT BASTARD And I love a woman with big (bleeps), so let's shut up and get to (bleep)ing. Felicity swallows hard and forces a smile. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT AUSTIN Can I ask you a question? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes. AUSTIN Thank you. Beat. ROBIN SWALLOWS Well, what's the question? AUSTIN Oh, yes. Would you like to shag? Would you? ROBIN SWALLOWS I'd love to, Mr. Powers, just come right... over... here. Robin moves Austin into place as they dance. AUSTIN You're a bit of alright. Just then, Austin looks into her eyes and sees the REFLECTION OF AN ASSASSIN (Oedipus) about to throw a knife. Just as he throws it, Austin spins Robin Swallows around and USES HER AS A SHIELD. She takes the knife squarely in the back. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the revolver. Oedipus pulls out a pistol and begins FIRING. Austin continues to use Robin AS A SHIELD. She takes six hits. Oedipus runs out of bullets. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the machine gun. Oedipus pulls out a machine gun and FIRES. In a Robert Rodriquez- like flurry of events, Austin dodges while still USING HER AS

occasion

How many times the word 'occasion' appears in the text?

BASIL EXPOSITION Agent Haggerty was the test, Austin. Not only were you actually reading an article in that Playboy, but a candy-stripe nurse offering to give you a sponge bath didn't so much as turn your head. AUSTIN Wait, I can explain, man! I was going to shag her but the article was so fascinating-- BASIL EXPOSITION I'm sorry, Austin, I'm afraid it's true: you've lost your mojo. Basil shows Austin the mojometer, which reads EMPTY. AUSTIN (crushed) Without my mojo, I'm useless to the Ministry and to Her Majesty. I think it's time to retire. BASIL EXPOSITION I'm afraid that's not possible, Austin. You see, Dr. Evil has returned. AUSTIN Again? BASIL EXPOSITION Again. INT. MOD - TIME-TRAVEL ROOM Austin and Basil ride on the back of a golf cart through the largest room you've ever seen in your life. BASIL EXPOSITION We have evidence that Dr. Evil has developed a time machine. Basil shows Austin altered photos of Dr. Evil with famous villains, such as Sadam, Nixon, and Donald Trump. BASIL EXPOSITION Our researcher noticed that these photos from the archives have changed. That means Dr. Evil is traveling back in time and creating alliances with each decade's most despised villains. Austin tries to read them and gets queasy. AUSTIN I can't read in the car. I get a bit vomy. Austin burps and swallows it. AUSTIN Got it. I almost gipped. BASIL EXPOSITION (V.O.) Our data indicates that Dr. Evil is in the year 1969. Luckily, we also have a time travel device. After years of research we've developed a machine that will transport you back to the Sixties. A bright overhead light comes on spotlighting a brand new VOLKSWAGEN BEETLE CONVERTIBLE, painted up psychedelic by Peter Max. AUSTIN But Basil, isn't that the new Volkswagen Beetle? BASIL EXPOSITION That's what they'd like you to believe. AUSTIN So, Basil, if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967, I could go look at my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the 90's and traveled back to the Sixties? (goes cross-eyed) Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed. BASIL EXPOSITION (to camera) I suggest you don't worry about those things and just enjoy yourself. Austin gets into the car and turns it on. AUSTIN This is smashing Basil. I'll go back to the Sixties, recharge my mojo, defeat Dr. Evil and be back in time for tea. BASIL EXPOSITION Good luck, Austin. AUSTIN Luck has nothing to do with it, Basil. Austin steps on the gas. The car lurches in reverse and smashes some equipment. AUSTIN Sorry. (changing gears) Swinging Sixties, here I come, baby, yeah! The car takes off, heading for the wall. It DISAPPEARS, leaving flaming tread marks. FLASH CUT TO: EXT. STREET - LONDON - The Beetle time machine appears out of nowhere and screeches to a stop. A London HIPPIE smoking a hukka watches. He throws the hukka down. Austin hops out. AUSTIN I feel better already, man! Austin smiles and we see that his teeth are back to being TERRIBLE. He walks off as a crowd gathers around the car. EXT. PARK - LONDON Austin enters the park in high spirits. We PULL BACK to see that Austin is being watched through binoculars by a big ARYAN ASSASSIN. PULL BACK FURTHER to reveal a beautiful MYSTERIOUS WOMAN watching both of them. From this distance we can't tell who she is. A sign reads "BE-IN FOR PEACE". HIPPIES, MODS, and FREAKS of all descriptions dance to the music of a PSYCHEDELIC BAND. The band's name is on the drum kit: "MING TEA." AUSTIN Alright, baby, a swinging shin-dig! Austin gets into the dancing, quickly becoming the center of the scene. The lead singer of the band invites him on stage and hands him the microphone as the band starts a new song: "SEXUAL REVOLUTION." Austin begins singing and a choreographed musical number begins involving the outdoor crowd a la Bob Fosse's Sweet Charity or Hair. AUSTIN (singing) 'THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION, YOU CAN FEEL IT IN THE AIR. PEOPLE SHAGGING JUST LIKE WEASELS AND THEY JUST DON'T SEEM TO CARE. Hip-thrusting young MOD FREAKS Fosse-hump rhythmically. AUSTIN (singing) HEY, WATCH OUT SQUARES... YOU MAKES US BORED! THE PENIS IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD Austin does various groovy dance moves like THE ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOT and THE HEAVYWEIGHT. AUSTIN (singing) THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION AND YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET PEOPLE SHAGGING IN THE CLUBS AND INSIDE A JUMBO JET Forty Austins appear in a KALEIDOSCOPE EFFECT. AUSTIN (singing) HEY SQUARE WORLD THE END IS NIGH. WHEN WE SAY HUMP YOU SAY 'HOW HIGH?' Three GROOVY CHICKS behind Austin suddenly have tambourines for the big finale. The assassin and the mysterious woman are both in the audience, keeping an eye on Austin. All we see of the woman are shots of her BOOTS, CLOTHES, and a FEMALE SYMBOL MEDALLION. AUSTIN (singing) SO GO MAKE LOVE OR MASTURBATE-- SEXUAL FREEDOM WILL NEVER BE OUT OF DAAAAAAAAAAATE! Austin holds the note an improbably long time, arms outstretched. The dancers crouch-walk towards the camera. EVERYONE (chanting) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (shouting) IT'S THE SIXTIES! The SONG ENDS and all the dancers end up on one knee with their arms outstretched, panting. Austin breathes heavily and smiles smugly like Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance. We are TIGHT ON Austin's ass. PULL BACK to see that it is the MYSTERIOUS WOMAN who is watching Austin's ass. She SMILES behind the binoculars hiding her face. 37 EXT. CARNABY ST. Austin walks down the street looking at his new BEATLES ALBUM. Sitting in a parked Citroen watching him is the ASSASSIN. The Aryan assassin nods to a SHOE-SHINE on the street. The shoe-shine boy nods to a BUSINESS MAN in a Homburg. The business man nods to a BOBBY. The bobby nods to a WOMAN WITH A BABY CARRIAGE. The woman with a baby carriage nods to a MIME. The mime nods to a BLIND BEGGAR with a tin cup. The blind beggar nods to a CARPENTER on a roof. The carpenter FLASHES A LIGHT to an INDIAN CHIEF. The Indian Chief gives a SMOKE SIGNAL to a TELEGRAPH OPERATOR. The telegraph operator sends a signal to the BEEFEATER GUARD. The Beefeater salutes with his pike to a SEXY TICKET COLLECTOR on a double-decker bus. The sexy ticket collector signals a TAXI DRIVER. The taxi driver nods back to the assassin as he drives by. INT. CITROEN The assassin gets the signal and starts the car. The whole nodding sequence was a circular waste of time. EXT. STREET - VARIOUS ANGLES Austin walks along. Suddenly, he sees the Citroen coming at him. He dives out of the way and takes off running. He rounds a corner and pretends to be a COUPLE MAKING OUT against a wall by hugging himself. The assassin sees him and slams on the brakes. He raises his gun. Austin turns as he hears a car HONK. It's Austin's BEETLE CONVERTIBLE. The mysterious woman steps out. We see her in her entirety for the first time, and what a sight it is. She has long auburn hair and wears a tight racing suit, unzipped just enough to show the female symbol medallion. She is FELICITY SHAGWELL. MUSIC: FELICITY'S THEME FELICITY Care for a ride? AUSTIN That's my Beetle, baby. FELICITY It was your Beetle. Get in. Austin dives in as the assassin FIRES. The car speeds off. INT. BEETLE (REAR PROJECTION) Felicity drives expertly. FELICITY Austin Powers, I presume? AUSTIN Powers by name, Powers by reputation. FELICITY Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Shagwell by name, Shag-very-Well by reputation. AUSTIN (turning to camera) Crazy, baby! EXT. ROAD The Beetle zips along, and then-- the Citroen appears behind it. The assassin FIRES. INT. BEETLE Felicity turns around to look. FELICITY Grab the wheel, would you? Austin grabs the wheel and Felicity pulls a gun. She turns and FIRES out the window. EXT. ROAD The assassin's tire BLOWS. The car skids towards a Cliff and he jumps out as it goes over. EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN The car goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it EXPLODES. EXT. CLIFF The assassin hangs on to a branch with one hand. He falls. ASSASSIN Ahhhhhhhh! EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN Same shot as the car: The assassin's body goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it, too, EXPLODES. FELICITY Well, Austin, I think this time you may have met your match. AUSTIN Oh, I've beaten Dr. Evil before, and I'll beat him again. FELICITY I was talking about me. She smiles, turns, and walks away. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD The room is dark, with only a single spotlight providing illumination. Suddenly, Austin and Felicity rise on an elevator into the middle of the spotlight. AUSTIN Welcome to my shag pad, baby. Light floods the pad, revealing hanging basket chairs, Hi- fi, and Warhol silk screens of Austin. Austin blows DUST off a table. AUSTIN Care for something to drink? Austin hits a button and a bookcase revolves to reveal a wetbar. AUSTIN Or perhaps something to read? Austin walks seductively over to the real wetbar and hits a button. It revolves to reveal a bookcase. AUSTIN How about a hot cup of coffee? FELICITY Yes, I rather fancy a grind. AUSTIN Oh, Behave! Austin hits a button and an automatic coffee-pourer pours a cup. MUSIC: Girl from Impenema by JOBIM AUSTIN Would you like a... mas-sage? A sensssual mas-sage? Austin hits a button and a series of actions take place: the floor opens up to reveal a sunken bed; red gels slide into place over the lamps; a painting slides back to reveal a reel-to-reel; an end table revolves to reveal a selection of massage oils. Felicity lies on her stomach. Austin begins to massage her. AUSTIN How does that feel, baby? FELICITY Mmm, lower. AUSTIN (lowering his voice) HOW DOES THAT FEEL, BABY? They laugh. Austin continues to massage her. FELICITY Wait, something's itching me. She reaches behind her and unties the strap of her evening dress, revealing her naked back. FELICITY That's better. AUSTIN Crikey!!! Austin GULPS and accidentally spurts way too much oil on her. AUSTIN Sorry. Austin continues the back rub and Felicity stretches out on the bed. AUSTIN (talking to his crotch) Hello, anyone home? C'mon lads, do it for England. Austin takes a peak-- nothing. He is panicked. FELICITY Oh, that was so relaxing. Felicity stretches very sexily. AUSTIN Would you 'like to see my etchings? FELICITY (sexy) I think I'm ready for bed. She moves close to Austin. He slides to the other side of the bed. AUSTIN I'll get you some PJs. FELICITY No, I'm ready for bed. She moves over to him. He avoids her. AUSTIN Oh, you'll want to clean your teeth then. Austin holds up toothpaste and toothbrush. Felicity finally grabs him and pins him to the bed. FELICITY No, I want to have sex with you, Austin. AUSTIN Hello Vicar! FELICITY I've studied everything about you- your methods, your accomplishments, your preferences. You're the reason I became a spy. Now, I've waited two years to meet you, so I say we get busy making up for lost time. Austin sits up. AUSTIN (reflective) Felicity, I used to think that way, too, but I guess... I guess I've changed. Not to make a short story long, or to ramble on and on, or to keep talking in a repetitive manner ad infinitum until it becomes impossible to remember what I was talking about in the first place, but- where was I? MUSIC: SAD INSTRUMENTAL AUSTIN Oh yes. Felicity, I can't shag you. I've lost my mojo. FELICITY (obviously disappointed) Oh. AUSTIN I thought coming back to the Sixties would bring it back, but it hasn't. FELICITY Austin, don't worry. I know just the man to help you. He's my guru. Ringo recommended him and he's the best. AUSTIN I'll warm up the Jumbo Jet, baby! EXT. AUSTIN'S PSYCHEDELIC JUMBO JET Austin's plane in flight. EXT. INDIA - STOCK FOOTAGE EXT./INT. BEETLE Austin and Felicity drive against obvious rear screen projection of India. INT. ASHRAM It looks like a mosque, with incense, tapestries, and DISCIPLES. Austin and Felicity enter. MUSIC: SITAR FELICITY There he is. That's my guru. We see the GURU PITKA (played by Mike), an Indian man in a bright red sari. FELICITY Guru, I'd like you to meet Austin Powers. AUSTIN How are you baby? GURU PITKA My chakras are aligned and I am in a perfect state of equipoise. AUSTIN Good on ya. I don't know what that means but it sounds fab. FELICITY Guru, we need some advice. GURU PITKA Hold your horses and any other beasts- of burden. I must lead my disciples in meditation and then I will help you. The Guru walks to the front of the room and the disciples sink to their knees. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA My name is the Guru Pitka. I am a spiritual teacher and I have combined many disparate disciplines into a unified movement of human potentiality and equipoise that I learned from my guru, the late Guru Shastri, a chaste man who died mysteriously of a disease that strangely had all the hallmarks of syphilis. He would say to me, Sparky, love is all, life is breath. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA Now, perhaps you are wondering where I got the nickname Sparky. Well, when we were young we used to play a game called "Stinkmop". We would urinate into a bucket, dip a mop into it, and play tag. I did not care for "Stinkmop" and a very wise old man said to me 'oh lighten up, Sparky', and I don't know, the name kind of stuck. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhhh... GURU PITKA Now, the reason I am a spiritualist instead of a therapist is that 'therapist' often becomes 'the rapist' and that will not help us attain potentiality. Now what is potentiality? It is the ability to achieve those goals that we wish to achieve for ourselves. People often say to me that they feel "nowhere", and I am going to change that to "Now here." The guru holds up a card which says "NOWHERE = NOW HERE!" DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh... GURU PITKA And you have many assumptions about your goals, but when you "assume" You make an "ass" out of "u" and "me". Guru holds up a card which says "ASSUME = ASS - U - ME." DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh.... GURU PITKA The being, or that which we call 'ourselves', is not the tinker. It is not the taughts. It is the Gap between the tinker and the taughts! We are not our mind, we are not our body, we are the Gap! Guru holds up a card that says "NOT TINKER, NOT TAUGHTS, BUT THE GAP" with the familiar Gap font. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA (rapid fire) The heart of the matter is that you are the heart of the matter. There is no "I" in "team". Beer before liquor, never sicker. Don't take a wooden nickel. If your pipe is short and your pump is weak, you better stand close or you'll piss on your feet. He who goes to bed with itchy bum wakes up with smelly finger. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA Finally, the path to spiritual awakening requires the death of ego. Leggo of my ego! Let us end with the mantra: Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. DISCIPLES (chanting) Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. The Guru takes a swig of Yoo-Hoo. GURU PITKA Go with God, and pay at the door please. The disciples file out. Austin and Felicity approach. GURU PITKA How can I help you? AUSTIN Guru, I'm having trouble performing. GURU PITKA What do you mean? AUSTIN You know- my bits and pieces are a bit sleepy. GURU PITKA I'm not understanding. AUSTIN I've forgotten the steps to the Mummy- Daddy dance. GURU PITKA Still not clear. AUSTIN My flag's at half mast and no one will salute it. GURU PITKA Sorry? AUSTIN My Willie don't work. GURU PITKA Why are you beating around the bush? AUSTIN That's my problem. GURU PITKA Ohhhhh, I get it. (beat) No, I don't get it. FELICITY He's impotent! AUSTIN Alright, easy. (to Guru) Felicity and I were all set for some hump Olympics and I couldn't bat for six. GURU PITKA Oh, yes, I see. AUSTIN You have no idea what I'm saying, do you? GURU PITKA Not a word. AUSTIN Guru, I've lost my mojo. GURU PITKA Oh, mojo! You should have said so. Well, you've lost your mojo because your chakras are misaligned. You have lost love. AUSTIN Lost love? Oh, you mean Vanessa? FELICITY Who's Vanessa? AUSTIN She was an evil robot minion of Dr. Evil. I couldn't have loved her. GURU PITKA Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, buddy. You will only get your mojo back when you surround yourself with love. AUSTIN Oh, I get what you're saying now! He's talking about free love, baby! Tune in, turn on, and drop out! GURU PITKA I am talking about true love. You must stay and study until you are worthy. AUSTIN No way, man. The only way to surround yourself with love is to throw a swinging shin-dig! Yeah, baby, yeah! INT. DR.EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR Dr. Evil and Frau are interrupted by the man we now know as FAT BASTARD. He is foul-mouthed, and when he swears he is bleeped. DR. EVIL Well done, Fat Bastard. May I have the mojo? FAT BASTARD First things first, where's your shitter? I've gotta bleepin, turtle head pokin' out. DR. EVIL (disgusted) Right. Charming. Fat Bastard- you don't mind me calling you Fat Bastard do you? FAT BASTARD I've got a lot of demons kickin' around in my noggin, but weight issues ain't one of them. DR. EVIL Alright, Fatty- FAT BASTARD The name is Fat Bastard! I'm the incorrect weight for my height and I was born out of wedlock, hence the moniker Fat Bastard. Hey, I'm not kiddin'. I've got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey. DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, the mojo? FAT BASTARD Where's my (bleeping) money? DR. EVIL A gentlemen never discusses money. FAT BASTARD Fine, you can take your (bleep)in' money and shove it up your (bleep), you stupid (bleeping) prick! While you're at it you can suck my greasy, two-toned (bleep)! DR. EVIL (pause) Vulgarity is no substitute for wit. FAT BASTARD (Bleep) you! DR. EVIL Right. Bring in the money. Dr. Evil PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIERS drive in a forklift loaded with gold bars. FAT BASTARD Alright, here it is. Fat Bastard slowly draws out the high-tech syringe full of MOJO. Dr. Evil is mesmerized. DR. EVIL Mini-Me, fetch. Mini-Me runs and snatches the mojo from Fat Bastard and gives it to Dr. Evil, who caresses it and places it on a SPECIALLY PREPARED PEDESTAL. NUMBER TWO enters. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I have some bad news. Austin Powers is back in the Sixties. One of our best assassins spotted him but he got away. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous, we have his mojo. NUMBER TWO There is another. Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Suddenly, Scott Evil enters through TIME PORTAL. DR. EVIL Scott, what are you doing here? SCOTT I don't know, I was sitting around watching the tube and The Courtship of Eddie's Father came on Nick at Nite, you know, and I was just listening to that theme song-- (hums/sings the theme) Anyway it made me think that maybe we could try and work things out. You know, you are my Dad and I need you. DR. EVIL You had your chance, Scott. I already have someone created in my image. He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins. (looking around) Has anyone seen Mini-Me? (calling out) Mini-Me! Mini-Mouse? Mini-Driver? Hello! Mini Pearl? Can we put a frickin' bell on him or something? Scott, very hurt, sits back in his chair and sulks. Dr. Evil hits a button and a model moon and a model earth descend. DR. EVIL Gentlemen, phase three. We place a giant laser on the moon. Let me demonstrate. (beat) Where's my laser? Dr. Evil looks around and sees Mini-Me gnawing on the model laser. Dr. Evil takes it from his mouth DR. EVIL Mini-Me, don't chew my laser. (to room) Not feeling well. He has an ear infection, but tit's OK. (pause) No? Nothing? (back to model) Anyway, the laser is powerful enough to destroy every city on the planet at will. We'll turn the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star". Scott SNICKERS. DR. EVIL What? SCOTT (snickering again) Nothing Darth. DR. EVIL What did you call me? SCOTT Nothing. (pretends to sneeze) Rip-off! DR. EVIL (unsure) Bless you? Anyways, since my "death star" laser was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist, Dr. Parsons. I thought we'd name it in his honor-- the Alan Parsons Project. Scott SNICKERS again. DR. EVIL What now? SCOTT The Alan Parsons Project was a progressive rock band from 1982. Why don't you just name it Operation Wang Chung, ass? DR. EVIL (indicating laser) When you get your own evil empire, you can call it whatever you want. Gentlemen, allow me to demonstrate the awesome lethality of the Alan Parsons Project. Fire the laser! INSERT SHOT: A giant laser beam smashes down through the roof of the White House, causing it to explode. Everyone is shocked by the laser's power. NUMBER TWO My God, Dr. Evil, you destroyed the Wihite House with no warning! DR. EVIL Actually, that was just footage from the 1996 blockbuster motion Picture Independence Day, but it would be a lot like that. What do you think, Scott? SCOTT Yeah, Codename: Thompson Twins was really impressive. DR. EVIL Shhhh! SCOTT I'm nineteen, I don't- DR. EVIL Shh! Shh-Shh. Shh-Shhhhhh-Shh. Shh- shh! It's Morse code. (reading imaginary paper) Let me decipher... it says 'shhhhh!' SCOTT You are so lame- DR. EVIL (like Electric Company) Ssssss...huuuuuh...Shhhhh! NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, what are we going to do about Powers? DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, in addition to being extremely rotund, you're a vicious killer. Take care of it. FAT BASTARD It'll be my pleasure. DR. EVIL It's an easy job. Without his mojo, Powers will be...powerless? INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT A party, packed with dancing freaks of every stripe, is in full swing. A girl dances in an oversized birdcage. AUSTIN This shag-in is gonna blow your mind, baby, yeah! The party sequence is shot like Laugh-In. Very fast cuts to the music. Austin sees a VERY PREGNANT WOMAN drinking a martini and smoking. He gently lifts her drink and cigarette away from her. PREGNANT WOMAN Hey! AUSTIN You'll thank me later, baby. Another angle. Austin and Felicity dancing. AUSTIN (noticing someone) Hey! Ricardo Monteblan, how are you? We see RICARDO MONTEBLAN -smoking a hukka on a round chair. RICARDO Hello, Austin! Balls, said the queen and the king laughed because he had too. AUSTIN (to camera) Crazy, man! FELICITY Let's split up and scope the scene. AUSTIN Don't do anything I wouldn't do- at least not without me. Felicity slaps Austin on the butt as he walks off. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: Austin at the bar with an exotic-looking mod chick. AUSTIN (to chick) You're very exotic, baby. Do you have a little English in you? CHICK No. AUSTIN Would you like to? CUT TO: An Alan Zeus-type very gay guy. ALAN ZEUS GUY (rolling his eyes) This is ridiculous! CUT TO: A LONDON COP and Felicity are on hanging chairs. LONDON COP Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz? FELICITY No, but I bet it really hurts. CUT TO: A GUY IN A RAINCOAT on a tricycle, shot undercranked, rides through the party and falls over. CUT TO: Austin pops into frame with a book that says "AUSTIN POWERS SEXY DICTIONARY". AUSTIN The Austin Powers Sexy Dictionary defines an Eskimo hooker as a frosty prosty. CUT TO: An eskimo at the bar in a fur parka. ESKIMO (to camera) I don't get it. CUT TO: The camera pans up Felicity's cool hip-huggers, which are very tight. AUSTIN Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants, baby? FELICITY Well you can start by buying me a drink. Austin does a spit take. CUT TO: Felicity with a VIKING. VIKING You were great last night. By the way, I'm Thor. FELICITY You're Thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly thit. CUT TO: Austin is wearing a silly spiked German helmet like in Hogan's Heroes. AUSTIN (German accent) Hello, I am Baron Von Firstinbed. Last night I had German-Chinese food. An hour later I was hungry- for power. CUT TO: ZEUS GUY Oh puh-leez, why don't you take a handful of F-off pills? CUT TO: AUSTIN Did you hear about the contortionist who was engaged to be married? FELICITY Yeah, I heard she broke it off. CUT TO: Film running backwards of Austin doing a spit take. CUT TO: ARTIE JOHNSON in German helmet behind a plant. ARTIE JOHNSON Verrrrry interesting- but shtupid! CUT TO: Austin takes his glasses off to clean them. We see his POV, which is totally fuzzy. He looks over and sees what appears to be a NUDE GIRL- two round globes and dark triangle. Austin puts his glasses on and looks again. It is actually a girl in a flesh-colored dress. In between her and Austin were two COMPLETELY BALD MEN and a triangular martini glass filled with a Cosmopolitan. CUT TO: Cut to Austin and Felicity together again. FELICITY Look at that. She points to where Fat Bastard and his companion are standing. AUSTIN That's not a pretty sight. Who is he? FELICITY Until recently he worked security for the MOD, but we think he might be a double agent, possibly for Dr. Evil. AUSTIN How do you know? FELICITY We've noticed that his lifestyle has changed dramatically. He's made a lot of cash purchases, he's hanging out with foxes half his age, and he's becomes quite a fixture on the London party circuit. AUSTIN Who's the girl? FELICITY I don't know, but it looks like he's splitting. Fat Bastard exits. FELICITY I'll follow him. You see what you can get out of the girl. We'll rendezvous later. Felicity follows Fat Bastard out the door. Austin makes his way over to the girl. AUSTIN Hello, hello. GIRL Hello, Mr. Powers. Fab party. AUSTIN Who are you today, baby? GIRL Robin. Robin Swallows. AUSTIN Swallows? That's an interesting name. Are you English? ROBIN SWALLOWS German, actually. My maiden name is Spitz. AUSTIN Well which is it, baby, Spitz or Swallows? Either way, it's a pleasure. ROBIN SWALLOWS The pleasure is mine. She extends her hand. Austin takes it and shakes. As he shakes, her cleavage undulates like jello. Austin is transfixed and keeps shaking far too long. AUSTIN Charmed, I'm sure. (still shaking, her breasts jiggle) How do you do? (still shaking, jiggling) Yes, quite. (shakes, jiggles) I always enjoy meeting new people. (shakes, jiggles) How's your mum? Good. (shakes, jiggles) I love shaking hands. Austin. is shaking her hand so vigorously that she is in danger of popping out of her dress. AUSTIN (snapping out of it) So, who was your friend? ROBIN SWALLOWS His name is Fat Bastard. AUSTIN It suits him. ROBIN SWALLOWS He's my lover. Austin is grossed out. AUSTIN OK. Would you happen to know if he's in business with a man named Mr. Evil? ROBIN SWALLOWS I don't know anyone named Dr. Evil. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Evil. Austin does a smug take. AUSTIN Something to drink? Would you like a Mister Pepper? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes, I'd love a Doctor Pepper. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Pepper. Austin does another smug take. Robin grabs Austin and pulls him close. ROBIN SWALLOWS You're a groovy boy, I'd like to strap you on sometime. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: ALAN ZEUS-TYPE GUY IN LIMBO ALAN ZEUS TYPE Meanwhile... BACK TO: EXT. FISH AND CHIPS STAND - NIGHT Literally a window in a wall. Fat Bastard is placing his order. FAT BASTARD ...and I'll have a fried-prawn sandwich, with extra mayonnaise, two whole chickens, a kidney pie, a toad in the hole, bubble and squeak, bangers and mash, 3 orders of fish and chips, and... a Fresca. No ice. We pan to see Felicity beside him. FELICITY I love a man with a large appetite. FAT BASTARD And I love a woman with big (bleeps), so let's shut up and get to (bleep)ing. Felicity swallows hard and forces a smile. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT AUSTIN Can I ask you a question? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes. AUSTIN Thank you. Beat. ROBIN SWALLOWS Well, what's the question? AUSTIN Oh, yes. Would you like to shag? Would you? ROBIN SWALLOWS I'd love to, Mr. Powers, just come right... over... here. Robin moves Austin into place as they dance. AUSTIN You're a bit of alright. Just then, Austin looks into her eyes and sees the REFLECTION OF AN ASSASSIN (Oedipus) about to throw a knife. Just as he throws it, Austin spins Robin Swallows around and USES HER AS A SHIELD. She takes the knife squarely in the back. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the revolver. Oedipus pulls out a pistol and begins FIRING. Austin continues to use Robin AS A SHIELD. She takes six hits. Oedipus runs out of bullets. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the machine gun. Oedipus pulls out a machine gun and FIRES. In a Robert Rodriquez- like flurry of events, Austin dodges while still USING HER AS

seen

How many times the word 'seen' appears in the text?

BASIL EXPOSITION Agent Haggerty was the test, Austin. Not only were you actually reading an article in that Playboy, but a candy-stripe nurse offering to give you a sponge bath didn't so much as turn your head. AUSTIN Wait, I can explain, man! I was going to shag her but the article was so fascinating-- BASIL EXPOSITION I'm sorry, Austin, I'm afraid it's true: you've lost your mojo. Basil shows Austin the mojometer, which reads EMPTY. AUSTIN (crushed) Without my mojo, I'm useless to the Ministry and to Her Majesty. I think it's time to retire. BASIL EXPOSITION I'm afraid that's not possible, Austin. You see, Dr. Evil has returned. AUSTIN Again? BASIL EXPOSITION Again. INT. MOD - TIME-TRAVEL ROOM Austin and Basil ride on the back of a golf cart through the largest room you've ever seen in your life. BASIL EXPOSITION We have evidence that Dr. Evil has developed a time machine. Basil shows Austin altered photos of Dr. Evil with famous villains, such as Sadam, Nixon, and Donald Trump. BASIL EXPOSITION Our researcher noticed that these photos from the archives have changed. That means Dr. Evil is traveling back in time and creating alliances with each decade's most despised villains. Austin tries to read them and gets queasy. AUSTIN I can't read in the car. I get a bit vomy. Austin burps and swallows it. AUSTIN Got it. I almost gipped. BASIL EXPOSITION (V.O.) Our data indicates that Dr. Evil is in the year 1969. Luckily, we also have a time travel device. After years of research we've developed a machine that will transport you back to the Sixties. A bright overhead light comes on spotlighting a brand new VOLKSWAGEN BEETLE CONVERTIBLE, painted up psychedelic by Peter Max. AUSTIN But Basil, isn't that the new Volkswagen Beetle? BASIL EXPOSITION That's what they'd like you to believe. AUSTIN So, Basil, if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967, I could go look at my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the 90's and traveled back to the Sixties? (goes cross-eyed) Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed. BASIL EXPOSITION (to camera) I suggest you don't worry about those things and just enjoy yourself. Austin gets into the car and turns it on. AUSTIN This is smashing Basil. I'll go back to the Sixties, recharge my mojo, defeat Dr. Evil and be back in time for tea. BASIL EXPOSITION Good luck, Austin. AUSTIN Luck has nothing to do with it, Basil. Austin steps on the gas. The car lurches in reverse and smashes some equipment. AUSTIN Sorry. (changing gears) Swinging Sixties, here I come, baby, yeah! The car takes off, heading for the wall. It DISAPPEARS, leaving flaming tread marks. FLASH CUT TO: EXT. STREET - LONDON - The Beetle time machine appears out of nowhere and screeches to a stop. A London HIPPIE smoking a hukka watches. He throws the hukka down. Austin hops out. AUSTIN I feel better already, man! Austin smiles and we see that his teeth are back to being TERRIBLE. He walks off as a crowd gathers around the car. EXT. PARK - LONDON Austin enters the park in high spirits. We PULL BACK to see that Austin is being watched through binoculars by a big ARYAN ASSASSIN. PULL BACK FURTHER to reveal a beautiful MYSTERIOUS WOMAN watching both of them. From this distance we can't tell who she is. A sign reads "BE-IN FOR PEACE". HIPPIES, MODS, and FREAKS of all descriptions dance to the music of a PSYCHEDELIC BAND. The band's name is on the drum kit: "MING TEA." AUSTIN Alright, baby, a swinging shin-dig! Austin gets into the dancing, quickly becoming the center of the scene. The lead singer of the band invites him on stage and hands him the microphone as the band starts a new song: "SEXUAL REVOLUTION." Austin begins singing and a choreographed musical number begins involving the outdoor crowd a la Bob Fosse's Sweet Charity or Hair. AUSTIN (singing) 'THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION, YOU CAN FEEL IT IN THE AIR. PEOPLE SHAGGING JUST LIKE WEASELS AND THEY JUST DON'T SEEM TO CARE. Hip-thrusting young MOD FREAKS Fosse-hump rhythmically. AUSTIN (singing) HEY, WATCH OUT SQUARES... YOU MAKES US BORED! THE PENIS IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD Austin does various groovy dance moves like THE ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOT and THE HEAVYWEIGHT. AUSTIN (singing) THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION AND YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET PEOPLE SHAGGING IN THE CLUBS AND INSIDE A JUMBO JET Forty Austins appear in a KALEIDOSCOPE EFFECT. AUSTIN (singing) HEY SQUARE WORLD THE END IS NIGH. WHEN WE SAY HUMP YOU SAY 'HOW HIGH?' Three GROOVY CHICKS behind Austin suddenly have tambourines for the big finale. The assassin and the mysterious woman are both in the audience, keeping an eye on Austin. All we see of the woman are shots of her BOOTS, CLOTHES, and a FEMALE SYMBOL MEDALLION. AUSTIN (singing) SO GO MAKE LOVE OR MASTURBATE-- SEXUAL FREEDOM WILL NEVER BE OUT OF DAAAAAAAAAAATE! Austin holds the note an improbably long time, arms outstretched. The dancers crouch-walk towards the camera. EVERYONE (chanting) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (shouting) IT'S THE SIXTIES! The SONG ENDS and all the dancers end up on one knee with their arms outstretched, panting. Austin breathes heavily and smiles smugly like Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance. We are TIGHT ON Austin's ass. PULL BACK to see that it is the MYSTERIOUS WOMAN who is watching Austin's ass. She SMILES behind the binoculars hiding her face. 37 EXT. CARNABY ST. Austin walks down the street looking at his new BEATLES ALBUM. Sitting in a parked Citroen watching him is the ASSASSIN. The Aryan assassin nods to a SHOE-SHINE on the street. The shoe-shine boy nods to a BUSINESS MAN in a Homburg. The business man nods to a BOBBY. The bobby nods to a WOMAN WITH A BABY CARRIAGE. The woman with a baby carriage nods to a MIME. The mime nods to a BLIND BEGGAR with a tin cup. The blind beggar nods to a CARPENTER on a roof. The carpenter FLASHES A LIGHT to an INDIAN CHIEF. The Indian Chief gives a SMOKE SIGNAL to a TELEGRAPH OPERATOR. The telegraph operator sends a signal to the BEEFEATER GUARD. The Beefeater salutes with his pike to a SEXY TICKET COLLECTOR on a double-decker bus. The sexy ticket collector signals a TAXI DRIVER. The taxi driver nods back to the assassin as he drives by. INT. CITROEN The assassin gets the signal and starts the car. The whole nodding sequence was a circular waste of time. EXT. STREET - VARIOUS ANGLES Austin walks along. Suddenly, he sees the Citroen coming at him. He dives out of the way and takes off running. He rounds a corner and pretends to be a COUPLE MAKING OUT against a wall by hugging himself. The assassin sees him and slams on the brakes. He raises his gun. Austin turns as he hears a car HONK. It's Austin's BEETLE CONVERTIBLE. The mysterious woman steps out. We see her in her entirety for the first time, and what a sight it is. She has long auburn hair and wears a tight racing suit, unzipped just enough to show the female symbol medallion. She is FELICITY SHAGWELL. MUSIC: FELICITY'S THEME FELICITY Care for a ride? AUSTIN That's my Beetle, baby. FELICITY It was your Beetle. Get in. Austin dives in as the assassin FIRES. The car speeds off. INT. BEETLE (REAR PROJECTION) Felicity drives expertly. FELICITY Austin Powers, I presume? AUSTIN Powers by name, Powers by reputation. FELICITY Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Shagwell by name, Shag-very-Well by reputation. AUSTIN (turning to camera) Crazy, baby! EXT. ROAD The Beetle zips along, and then-- the Citroen appears behind it. The assassin FIRES. INT. BEETLE Felicity turns around to look. FELICITY Grab the wheel, would you? Austin grabs the wheel and Felicity pulls a gun. She turns and FIRES out the window. EXT. ROAD The assassin's tire BLOWS. The car skids towards a Cliff and he jumps out as it goes over. EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN The car goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it EXPLODES. EXT. CLIFF The assassin hangs on to a branch with one hand. He falls. ASSASSIN Ahhhhhhhh! EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN Same shot as the car: The assassin's body goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it, too, EXPLODES. FELICITY Well, Austin, I think this time you may have met your match. AUSTIN Oh, I've beaten Dr. Evil before, and I'll beat him again. FELICITY I was talking about me. She smiles, turns, and walks away. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD The room is dark, with only a single spotlight providing illumination. Suddenly, Austin and Felicity rise on an elevator into the middle of the spotlight. AUSTIN Welcome to my shag pad, baby. Light floods the pad, revealing hanging basket chairs, Hi- fi, and Warhol silk screens of Austin. Austin blows DUST off a table. AUSTIN Care for something to drink? Austin hits a button and a bookcase revolves to reveal a wetbar. AUSTIN Or perhaps something to read? Austin walks seductively over to the real wetbar and hits a button. It revolves to reveal a bookcase. AUSTIN How about a hot cup of coffee? FELICITY Yes, I rather fancy a grind. AUSTIN Oh, Behave! Austin hits a button and an automatic coffee-pourer pours a cup. MUSIC: Girl from Impenema by JOBIM AUSTIN Would you like a... mas-sage? A sensssual mas-sage? Austin hits a button and a series of actions take place: the floor opens up to reveal a sunken bed; red gels slide into place over the lamps; a painting slides back to reveal a reel-to-reel; an end table revolves to reveal a selection of massage oils. Felicity lies on her stomach. Austin begins to massage her. AUSTIN How does that feel, baby? FELICITY Mmm, lower. AUSTIN (lowering his voice) HOW DOES THAT FEEL, BABY? They laugh. Austin continues to massage her. FELICITY Wait, something's itching me. She reaches behind her and unties the strap of her evening dress, revealing her naked back. FELICITY That's better. AUSTIN Crikey!!! Austin GULPS and accidentally spurts way too much oil on her. AUSTIN Sorry. Austin continues the back rub and Felicity stretches out on the bed. AUSTIN (talking to his crotch) Hello, anyone home? C'mon lads, do it for England. Austin takes a peak-- nothing. He is panicked. FELICITY Oh, that was so relaxing. Felicity stretches very sexily. AUSTIN Would you 'like to see my etchings? FELICITY (sexy) I think I'm ready for bed. She moves close to Austin. He slides to the other side of the bed. AUSTIN I'll get you some PJs. FELICITY No, I'm ready for bed. She moves over to him. He avoids her. AUSTIN Oh, you'll want to clean your teeth then. Austin holds up toothpaste and toothbrush. Felicity finally grabs him and pins him to the bed. FELICITY No, I want to have sex with you, Austin. AUSTIN Hello Vicar! FELICITY I've studied everything about you- your methods, your accomplishments, your preferences. You're the reason I became a spy. Now, I've waited two years to meet you, so I say we get busy making up for lost time. Austin sits up. AUSTIN (reflective) Felicity, I used to think that way, too, but I guess... I guess I've changed. Not to make a short story long, or to ramble on and on, or to keep talking in a repetitive manner ad infinitum until it becomes impossible to remember what I was talking about in the first place, but- where was I? MUSIC: SAD INSTRUMENTAL AUSTIN Oh yes. Felicity, I can't shag you. I've lost my mojo. FELICITY (obviously disappointed) Oh. AUSTIN I thought coming back to the Sixties would bring it back, but it hasn't. FELICITY Austin, don't worry. I know just the man to help you. He's my guru. Ringo recommended him and he's the best. AUSTIN I'll warm up the Jumbo Jet, baby! EXT. AUSTIN'S PSYCHEDELIC JUMBO JET Austin's plane in flight. EXT. INDIA - STOCK FOOTAGE EXT./INT. BEETLE Austin and Felicity drive against obvious rear screen projection of India. INT. ASHRAM It looks like a mosque, with incense, tapestries, and DISCIPLES. Austin and Felicity enter. MUSIC: SITAR FELICITY There he is. That's my guru. We see the GURU PITKA (played by Mike), an Indian man in a bright red sari. FELICITY Guru, I'd like you to meet Austin Powers. AUSTIN How are you baby? GURU PITKA My chakras are aligned and I am in a perfect state of equipoise. AUSTIN Good on ya. I don't know what that means but it sounds fab. FELICITY Guru, we need some advice. GURU PITKA Hold your horses and any other beasts- of burden. I must lead my disciples in meditation and then I will help you. The Guru walks to the front of the room and the disciples sink to their knees. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA My name is the Guru Pitka. I am a spiritual teacher and I have combined many disparate disciplines into a unified movement of human potentiality and equipoise that I learned from my guru, the late Guru Shastri, a chaste man who died mysteriously of a disease that strangely had all the hallmarks of syphilis. He would say to me, Sparky, love is all, life is breath. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA Now, perhaps you are wondering where I got the nickname Sparky. Well, when we were young we used to play a game called "Stinkmop". We would urinate into a bucket, dip a mop into it, and play tag. I did not care for "Stinkmop" and a very wise old man said to me 'oh lighten up, Sparky', and I don't know, the name kind of stuck. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhhh... GURU PITKA Now, the reason I am a spiritualist instead of a therapist is that 'therapist' often becomes 'the rapist' and that will not help us attain potentiality. Now what is potentiality? It is the ability to achieve those goals that we wish to achieve for ourselves. People often say to me that they feel "nowhere", and I am going to change that to "Now here." The guru holds up a card which says "NOWHERE = NOW HERE!" DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh... GURU PITKA And you have many assumptions about your goals, but when you "assume" You make an "ass" out of "u" and "me". Guru holds up a card which says "ASSUME = ASS - U - ME." DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh.... GURU PITKA The being, or that which we call 'ourselves', is not the tinker. It is not the taughts. It is the Gap between the tinker and the taughts! We are not our mind, we are not our body, we are the Gap! Guru holds up a card that says "NOT TINKER, NOT TAUGHTS, BUT THE GAP" with the familiar Gap font. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA (rapid fire) The heart of the matter is that you are the heart of the matter. There is no "I" in "team". Beer before liquor, never sicker. Don't take a wooden nickel. If your pipe is short and your pump is weak, you better stand close or you'll piss on your feet. He who goes to bed with itchy bum wakes up with smelly finger. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA Finally, the path to spiritual awakening requires the death of ego. Leggo of my ego! Let us end with the mantra: Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. DISCIPLES (chanting) Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. The Guru takes a swig of Yoo-Hoo. GURU PITKA Go with God, and pay at the door please. The disciples file out. Austin and Felicity approach. GURU PITKA How can I help you? AUSTIN Guru, I'm having trouble performing. GURU PITKA What do you mean? AUSTIN You know- my bits and pieces are a bit sleepy. GURU PITKA I'm not understanding. AUSTIN I've forgotten the steps to the Mummy- Daddy dance. GURU PITKA Still not clear. AUSTIN My flag's at half mast and no one will salute it. GURU PITKA Sorry? AUSTIN My Willie don't work. GURU PITKA Why are you beating around the bush? AUSTIN That's my problem. GURU PITKA Ohhhhh, I get it. (beat) No, I don't get it. FELICITY He's impotent! AUSTIN Alright, easy. (to Guru) Felicity and I were all set for some hump Olympics and I couldn't bat for six. GURU PITKA Oh, yes, I see. AUSTIN You have no idea what I'm saying, do you? GURU PITKA Not a word. AUSTIN Guru, I've lost my mojo. GURU PITKA Oh, mojo! You should have said so. Well, you've lost your mojo because your chakras are misaligned. You have lost love. AUSTIN Lost love? Oh, you mean Vanessa? FELICITY Who's Vanessa? AUSTIN She was an evil robot minion of Dr. Evil. I couldn't have loved her. GURU PITKA Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, buddy. You will only get your mojo back when you surround yourself with love. AUSTIN Oh, I get what you're saying now! He's talking about free love, baby! Tune in, turn on, and drop out! GURU PITKA I am talking about true love. You must stay and study until you are worthy. AUSTIN No way, man. The only way to surround yourself with love is to throw a swinging shin-dig! Yeah, baby, yeah! INT. DR.EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR Dr. Evil and Frau are interrupted by the man we now know as FAT BASTARD. He is foul-mouthed, and when he swears he is bleeped. DR. EVIL Well done, Fat Bastard. May I have the mojo? FAT BASTARD First things first, where's your shitter? I've gotta bleepin, turtle head pokin' out. DR. EVIL (disgusted) Right. Charming. Fat Bastard- you don't mind me calling you Fat Bastard do you? FAT BASTARD I've got a lot of demons kickin' around in my noggin, but weight issues ain't one of them. DR. EVIL Alright, Fatty- FAT BASTARD The name is Fat Bastard! I'm the incorrect weight for my height and I was born out of wedlock, hence the moniker Fat Bastard. Hey, I'm not kiddin'. I've got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey. DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, the mojo? FAT BASTARD Where's my (bleeping) money? DR. EVIL A gentlemen never discusses money. FAT BASTARD Fine, you can take your (bleep)in' money and shove it up your (bleep), you stupid (bleeping) prick! While you're at it you can suck my greasy, two-toned (bleep)! DR. EVIL (pause) Vulgarity is no substitute for wit. FAT BASTARD (Bleep) you! DR. EVIL Right. Bring in the money. Dr. Evil PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIERS drive in a forklift loaded with gold bars. FAT BASTARD Alright, here it is. Fat Bastard slowly draws out the high-tech syringe full of MOJO. Dr. Evil is mesmerized. DR. EVIL Mini-Me, fetch. Mini-Me runs and snatches the mojo from Fat Bastard and gives it to Dr. Evil, who caresses it and places it on a SPECIALLY PREPARED PEDESTAL. NUMBER TWO enters. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I have some bad news. Austin Powers is back in the Sixties. One of our best assassins spotted him but he got away. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous, we have his mojo. NUMBER TWO There is another. Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Suddenly, Scott Evil enters through TIME PORTAL. DR. EVIL Scott, what are you doing here? SCOTT I don't know, I was sitting around watching the tube and The Courtship of Eddie's Father came on Nick at Nite, you know, and I was just listening to that theme song-- (hums/sings the theme) Anyway it made me think that maybe we could try and work things out. You know, you are my Dad and I need you. DR. EVIL You had your chance, Scott. I already have someone created in my image. He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins. (looking around) Has anyone seen Mini-Me? (calling out) Mini-Me! Mini-Mouse? Mini-Driver? Hello! Mini Pearl? Can we put a frickin' bell on him or something? Scott, very hurt, sits back in his chair and sulks. Dr. Evil hits a button and a model moon and a model earth descend. DR. EVIL Gentlemen, phase three. We place a giant laser on the moon. Let me demonstrate. (beat) Where's my laser? Dr. Evil looks around and sees Mini-Me gnawing on the model laser. Dr. Evil takes it from his mouth DR. EVIL Mini-Me, don't chew my laser. (to room) Not feeling well. He has an ear infection, but tit's OK. (pause) No? Nothing? (back to model) Anyway, the laser is powerful enough to destroy every city on the planet at will. We'll turn the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star". Scott SNICKERS. DR. EVIL What? SCOTT (snickering again) Nothing Darth. DR. EVIL What did you call me? SCOTT Nothing. (pretends to sneeze) Rip-off! DR. EVIL (unsure) Bless you? Anyways, since my "death star" laser was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist, Dr. Parsons. I thought we'd name it in his honor-- the Alan Parsons Project. Scott SNICKERS again. DR. EVIL What now? SCOTT The Alan Parsons Project was a progressive rock band from 1982. Why don't you just name it Operation Wang Chung, ass? DR. EVIL (indicating laser) When you get your own evil empire, you can call it whatever you want. Gentlemen, allow me to demonstrate the awesome lethality of the Alan Parsons Project. Fire the laser! INSERT SHOT: A giant laser beam smashes down through the roof of the White House, causing it to explode. Everyone is shocked by the laser's power. NUMBER TWO My God, Dr. Evil, you destroyed the Wihite House with no warning! DR. EVIL Actually, that was just footage from the 1996 blockbuster motion Picture Independence Day, but it would be a lot like that. What do you think, Scott? SCOTT Yeah, Codename: Thompson Twins was really impressive. DR. EVIL Shhhh! SCOTT I'm nineteen, I don't- DR. EVIL Shh! Shh-Shh. Shh-Shhhhhh-Shh. Shh- shh! It's Morse code. (reading imaginary paper) Let me decipher... it says 'shhhhh!' SCOTT You are so lame- DR. EVIL (like Electric Company) Ssssss...huuuuuh...Shhhhh! NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, what are we going to do about Powers? DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, in addition to being extremely rotund, you're a vicious killer. Take care of it. FAT BASTARD It'll be my pleasure. DR. EVIL It's an easy job. Without his mojo, Powers will be...powerless? INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT A party, packed with dancing freaks of every stripe, is in full swing. A girl dances in an oversized birdcage. AUSTIN This shag-in is gonna blow your mind, baby, yeah! The party sequence is shot like Laugh-In. Very fast cuts to the music. Austin sees a VERY PREGNANT WOMAN drinking a martini and smoking. He gently lifts her drink and cigarette away from her. PREGNANT WOMAN Hey! AUSTIN You'll thank me later, baby. Another angle. Austin and Felicity dancing. AUSTIN (noticing someone) Hey! Ricardo Monteblan, how are you? We see RICARDO MONTEBLAN -smoking a hukka on a round chair. RICARDO Hello, Austin! Balls, said the queen and the king laughed because he had too. AUSTIN (to camera) Crazy, man! FELICITY Let's split up and scope the scene. AUSTIN Don't do anything I wouldn't do- at least not without me. Felicity slaps Austin on the butt as he walks off. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: Austin at the bar with an exotic-looking mod chick. AUSTIN (to chick) You're very exotic, baby. Do you have a little English in you? CHICK No. AUSTIN Would you like to? CUT TO: An Alan Zeus-type very gay guy. ALAN ZEUS GUY (rolling his eyes) This is ridiculous! CUT TO: A LONDON COP and Felicity are on hanging chairs. LONDON COP Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz? FELICITY No, but I bet it really hurts. CUT TO: A GUY IN A RAINCOAT on a tricycle, shot undercranked, rides through the party and falls over. CUT TO: Austin pops into frame with a book that says "AUSTIN POWERS SEXY DICTIONARY". AUSTIN The Austin Powers Sexy Dictionary defines an Eskimo hooker as a frosty prosty. CUT TO: An eskimo at the bar in a fur parka. ESKIMO (to camera) I don't get it. CUT TO: The camera pans up Felicity's cool hip-huggers, which are very tight. AUSTIN Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants, baby? FELICITY Well you can start by buying me a drink. Austin does a spit take. CUT TO: Felicity with a VIKING. VIKING You were great last night. By the way, I'm Thor. FELICITY You're Thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly thit. CUT TO: Austin is wearing a silly spiked German helmet like in Hogan's Heroes. AUSTIN (German accent) Hello, I am Baron Von Firstinbed. Last night I had German-Chinese food. An hour later I was hungry- for power. CUT TO: ZEUS GUY Oh puh-leez, why don't you take a handful of F-off pills? CUT TO: AUSTIN Did you hear about the contortionist who was engaged to be married? FELICITY Yeah, I heard she broke it off. CUT TO: Film running backwards of Austin doing a spit take. CUT TO: ARTIE JOHNSON in German helmet behind a plant. ARTIE JOHNSON Verrrrry interesting- but shtupid! CUT TO: Austin takes his glasses off to clean them. We see his POV, which is totally fuzzy. He looks over and sees what appears to be a NUDE GIRL- two round globes and dark triangle. Austin puts his glasses on and looks again. It is actually a girl in a flesh-colored dress. In between her and Austin were two COMPLETELY BALD MEN and a triangular martini glass filled with a Cosmopolitan. CUT TO: Cut to Austin and Felicity together again. FELICITY Look at that. She points to where Fat Bastard and his companion are standing. AUSTIN That's not a pretty sight. Who is he? FELICITY Until recently he worked security for the MOD, but we think he might be a double agent, possibly for Dr. Evil. AUSTIN How do you know? FELICITY We've noticed that his lifestyle has changed dramatically. He's made a lot of cash purchases, he's hanging out with foxes half his age, and he's becomes quite a fixture on the London party circuit. AUSTIN Who's the girl? FELICITY I don't know, but it looks like he's splitting. Fat Bastard exits. FELICITY I'll follow him. You see what you can get out of the girl. We'll rendezvous later. Felicity follows Fat Bastard out the door. Austin makes his way over to the girl. AUSTIN Hello, hello. GIRL Hello, Mr. Powers. Fab party. AUSTIN Who are you today, baby? GIRL Robin. Robin Swallows. AUSTIN Swallows? That's an interesting name. Are you English? ROBIN SWALLOWS German, actually. My maiden name is Spitz. AUSTIN Well which is it, baby, Spitz or Swallows? Either way, it's a pleasure. ROBIN SWALLOWS The pleasure is mine. She extends her hand. Austin takes it and shakes. As he shakes, her cleavage undulates like jello. Austin is transfixed and keeps shaking far too long. AUSTIN Charmed, I'm sure. (still shaking, her breasts jiggle) How do you do? (still shaking, jiggling) Yes, quite. (shakes, jiggles) I always enjoy meeting new people. (shakes, jiggles) How's your mum? Good. (shakes, jiggles) I love shaking hands. Austin. is shaking her hand so vigorously that she is in danger of popping out of her dress. AUSTIN (snapping out of it) So, who was your friend? ROBIN SWALLOWS His name is Fat Bastard. AUSTIN It suits him. ROBIN SWALLOWS He's my lover. Austin is grossed out. AUSTIN OK. Would you happen to know if he's in business with a man named Mr. Evil? ROBIN SWALLOWS I don't know anyone named Dr. Evil. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Evil. Austin does a smug take. AUSTIN Something to drink? Would you like a Mister Pepper? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes, I'd love a Doctor Pepper. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Pepper. Austin does another smug take. Robin grabs Austin and pulls him close. ROBIN SWALLOWS You're a groovy boy, I'd like to strap you on sometime. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: ALAN ZEUS-TYPE GUY IN LIMBO ALAN ZEUS TYPE Meanwhile... BACK TO: EXT. FISH AND CHIPS STAND - NIGHT Literally a window in a wall. Fat Bastard is placing his order. FAT BASTARD ...and I'll have a fried-prawn sandwich, with extra mayonnaise, two whole chickens, a kidney pie, a toad in the hole, bubble and squeak, bangers and mash, 3 orders of fish and chips, and... a Fresca. No ice. We pan to see Felicity beside him. FELICITY I love a man with a large appetite. FAT BASTARD And I love a woman with big (bleeps), so let's shut up and get to (bleep)ing. Felicity swallows hard and forces a smile. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT AUSTIN Can I ask you a question? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes. AUSTIN Thank you. Beat. ROBIN SWALLOWS Well, what's the question? AUSTIN Oh, yes. Would you like to shag? Would you? ROBIN SWALLOWS I'd love to, Mr. Powers, just come right... over... here. Robin moves Austin into place as they dance. AUSTIN You're a bit of alright. Just then, Austin looks into her eyes and sees the REFLECTION OF AN ASSASSIN (Oedipus) about to throw a knife. Just as he throws it, Austin spins Robin Swallows around and USES HER AS A SHIELD. She takes the knife squarely in the back. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the revolver. Oedipus pulls out a pistol and begins FIRING. Austin continues to use Robin AS A SHIELD. She takes six hits. Oedipus runs out of bullets. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the machine gun. Oedipus pulls out a machine gun and FIRES. In a Robert Rodriquez- like flurry of events, Austin dodges while still USING HER AS

revolution

How many times the word 'revolution' appears in the text?

BASIL EXPOSITION Agent Haggerty was the test, Austin. Not only were you actually reading an article in that Playboy, but a candy-stripe nurse offering to give you a sponge bath didn't so much as turn your head. AUSTIN Wait, I can explain, man! I was going to shag her but the article was so fascinating-- BASIL EXPOSITION I'm sorry, Austin, I'm afraid it's true: you've lost your mojo. Basil shows Austin the mojometer, which reads EMPTY. AUSTIN (crushed) Without my mojo, I'm useless to the Ministry and to Her Majesty. I think it's time to retire. BASIL EXPOSITION I'm afraid that's not possible, Austin. You see, Dr. Evil has returned. AUSTIN Again? BASIL EXPOSITION Again. INT. MOD - TIME-TRAVEL ROOM Austin and Basil ride on the back of a golf cart through the largest room you've ever seen in your life. BASIL EXPOSITION We have evidence that Dr. Evil has developed a time machine. Basil shows Austin altered photos of Dr. Evil with famous villains, such as Sadam, Nixon, and Donald Trump. BASIL EXPOSITION Our researcher noticed that these photos from the archives have changed. That means Dr. Evil is traveling back in time and creating alliances with each decade's most despised villains. Austin tries to read them and gets queasy. AUSTIN I can't read in the car. I get a bit vomy. Austin burps and swallows it. AUSTIN Got it. I almost gipped. BASIL EXPOSITION (V.O.) Our data indicates that Dr. Evil is in the year 1969. Luckily, we also have a time travel device. After years of research we've developed a machine that will transport you back to the Sixties. A bright overhead light comes on spotlighting a brand new VOLKSWAGEN BEETLE CONVERTIBLE, painted up psychedelic by Peter Max. AUSTIN But Basil, isn't that the new Volkswagen Beetle? BASIL EXPOSITION That's what they'd like you to believe. AUSTIN So, Basil, if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967, I could go look at my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the 90's and traveled back to the Sixties? (goes cross-eyed) Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed. BASIL EXPOSITION (to camera) I suggest you don't worry about those things and just enjoy yourself. Austin gets into the car and turns it on. AUSTIN This is smashing Basil. I'll go back to the Sixties, recharge my mojo, defeat Dr. Evil and be back in time for tea. BASIL EXPOSITION Good luck, Austin. AUSTIN Luck has nothing to do with it, Basil. Austin steps on the gas. The car lurches in reverse and smashes some equipment. AUSTIN Sorry. (changing gears) Swinging Sixties, here I come, baby, yeah! The car takes off, heading for the wall. It DISAPPEARS, leaving flaming tread marks. FLASH CUT TO: EXT. STREET - LONDON - The Beetle time machine appears out of nowhere and screeches to a stop. A London HIPPIE smoking a hukka watches. He throws the hukka down. Austin hops out. AUSTIN I feel better already, man! Austin smiles and we see that his teeth are back to being TERRIBLE. He walks off as a crowd gathers around the car. EXT. PARK - LONDON Austin enters the park in high spirits. We PULL BACK to see that Austin is being watched through binoculars by a big ARYAN ASSASSIN. PULL BACK FURTHER to reveal a beautiful MYSTERIOUS WOMAN watching both of them. From this distance we can't tell who she is. A sign reads "BE-IN FOR PEACE". HIPPIES, MODS, and FREAKS of all descriptions dance to the music of a PSYCHEDELIC BAND. The band's name is on the drum kit: "MING TEA." AUSTIN Alright, baby, a swinging shin-dig! Austin gets into the dancing, quickly becoming the center of the scene. The lead singer of the band invites him on stage and hands him the microphone as the band starts a new song: "SEXUAL REVOLUTION." Austin begins singing and a choreographed musical number begins involving the outdoor crowd a la Bob Fosse's Sweet Charity or Hair. AUSTIN (singing) 'THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION, YOU CAN FEEL IT IN THE AIR. PEOPLE SHAGGING JUST LIKE WEASELS AND THEY JUST DON'T SEEM TO CARE. Hip-thrusting young MOD FREAKS Fosse-hump rhythmically. AUSTIN (singing) HEY, WATCH OUT SQUARES... YOU MAKES US BORED! THE PENIS IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD Austin does various groovy dance moves like THE ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOT and THE HEAVYWEIGHT. AUSTIN (singing) THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION AND YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET PEOPLE SHAGGING IN THE CLUBS AND INSIDE A JUMBO JET Forty Austins appear in a KALEIDOSCOPE EFFECT. AUSTIN (singing) HEY SQUARE WORLD THE END IS NIGH. WHEN WE SAY HUMP YOU SAY 'HOW HIGH?' Three GROOVY CHICKS behind Austin suddenly have tambourines for the big finale. The assassin and the mysterious woman are both in the audience, keeping an eye on Austin. All we see of the woman are shots of her BOOTS, CLOTHES, and a FEMALE SYMBOL MEDALLION. AUSTIN (singing) SO GO MAKE LOVE OR MASTURBATE-- SEXUAL FREEDOM WILL NEVER BE OUT OF DAAAAAAAAAAATE! Austin holds the note an improbably long time, arms outstretched. The dancers crouch-walk towards the camera. EVERYONE (chanting) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (shouting) IT'S THE SIXTIES! The SONG ENDS and all the dancers end up on one knee with their arms outstretched, panting. Austin breathes heavily and smiles smugly like Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance. We are TIGHT ON Austin's ass. PULL BACK to see that it is the MYSTERIOUS WOMAN who is watching Austin's ass. She SMILES behind the binoculars hiding her face. 37 EXT. CARNABY ST. Austin walks down the street looking at his new BEATLES ALBUM. Sitting in a parked Citroen watching him is the ASSASSIN. The Aryan assassin nods to a SHOE-SHINE on the street. The shoe-shine boy nods to a BUSINESS MAN in a Homburg. The business man nods to a BOBBY. The bobby nods to a WOMAN WITH A BABY CARRIAGE. The woman with a baby carriage nods to a MIME. The mime nods to a BLIND BEGGAR with a tin cup. The blind beggar nods to a CARPENTER on a roof. The carpenter FLASHES A LIGHT to an INDIAN CHIEF. The Indian Chief gives a SMOKE SIGNAL to a TELEGRAPH OPERATOR. The telegraph operator sends a signal to the BEEFEATER GUARD. The Beefeater salutes with his pike to a SEXY TICKET COLLECTOR on a double-decker bus. The sexy ticket collector signals a TAXI DRIVER. The taxi driver nods back to the assassin as he drives by. INT. CITROEN The assassin gets the signal and starts the car. The whole nodding sequence was a circular waste of time. EXT. STREET - VARIOUS ANGLES Austin walks along. Suddenly, he sees the Citroen coming at him. He dives out of the way and takes off running. He rounds a corner and pretends to be a COUPLE MAKING OUT against a wall by hugging himself. The assassin sees him and slams on the brakes. He raises his gun. Austin turns as he hears a car HONK. It's Austin's BEETLE CONVERTIBLE. The mysterious woman steps out. We see her in her entirety for the first time, and what a sight it is. She has long auburn hair and wears a tight racing suit, unzipped just enough to show the female symbol medallion. She is FELICITY SHAGWELL. MUSIC: FELICITY'S THEME FELICITY Care for a ride? AUSTIN That's my Beetle, baby. FELICITY It was your Beetle. Get in. Austin dives in as the assassin FIRES. The car speeds off. INT. BEETLE (REAR PROJECTION) Felicity drives expertly. FELICITY Austin Powers, I presume? AUSTIN Powers by name, Powers by reputation. FELICITY Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Shagwell by name, Shag-very-Well by reputation. AUSTIN (turning to camera) Crazy, baby! EXT. ROAD The Beetle zips along, and then-- the Citroen appears behind it. The assassin FIRES. INT. BEETLE Felicity turns around to look. FELICITY Grab the wheel, would you? Austin grabs the wheel and Felicity pulls a gun. She turns and FIRES out the window. EXT. ROAD The assassin's tire BLOWS. The car skids towards a Cliff and he jumps out as it goes over. EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN The car goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it EXPLODES. EXT. CLIFF The assassin hangs on to a branch with one hand. He falls. ASSASSIN Ahhhhhhhh! EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN Same shot as the car: The assassin's body goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it, too, EXPLODES. FELICITY Well, Austin, I think this time you may have met your match. AUSTIN Oh, I've beaten Dr. Evil before, and I'll beat him again. FELICITY I was talking about me. She smiles, turns, and walks away. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD The room is dark, with only a single spotlight providing illumination. Suddenly, Austin and Felicity rise on an elevator into the middle of the spotlight. AUSTIN Welcome to my shag pad, baby. Light floods the pad, revealing hanging basket chairs, Hi- fi, and Warhol silk screens of Austin. Austin blows DUST off a table. AUSTIN Care for something to drink? Austin hits a button and a bookcase revolves to reveal a wetbar. AUSTIN Or perhaps something to read? Austin walks seductively over to the real wetbar and hits a button. It revolves to reveal a bookcase. AUSTIN How about a hot cup of coffee? FELICITY Yes, I rather fancy a grind. AUSTIN Oh, Behave! Austin hits a button and an automatic coffee-pourer pours a cup. MUSIC: Girl from Impenema by JOBIM AUSTIN Would you like a... mas-sage? A sensssual mas-sage? Austin hits a button and a series of actions take place: the floor opens up to reveal a sunken bed; red gels slide into place over the lamps; a painting slides back to reveal a reel-to-reel; an end table revolves to reveal a selection of massage oils. Felicity lies on her stomach. Austin begins to massage her. AUSTIN How does that feel, baby? FELICITY Mmm, lower. AUSTIN (lowering his voice) HOW DOES THAT FEEL, BABY? They laugh. Austin continues to massage her. FELICITY Wait, something's itching me. She reaches behind her and unties the strap of her evening dress, revealing her naked back. FELICITY That's better. AUSTIN Crikey!!! Austin GULPS and accidentally spurts way too much oil on her. AUSTIN Sorry. Austin continues the back rub and Felicity stretches out on the bed. AUSTIN (talking to his crotch) Hello, anyone home? C'mon lads, do it for England. Austin takes a peak-- nothing. He is panicked. FELICITY Oh, that was so relaxing. Felicity stretches very sexily. AUSTIN Would you 'like to see my etchings? FELICITY (sexy) I think I'm ready for bed. She moves close to Austin. He slides to the other side of the bed. AUSTIN I'll get you some PJs. FELICITY No, I'm ready for bed. She moves over to him. He avoids her. AUSTIN Oh, you'll want to clean your teeth then. Austin holds up toothpaste and toothbrush. Felicity finally grabs him and pins him to the bed. FELICITY No, I want to have sex with you, Austin. AUSTIN Hello Vicar! FELICITY I've studied everything about you- your methods, your accomplishments, your preferences. You're the reason I became a spy. Now, I've waited two years to meet you, so I say we get busy making up for lost time. Austin sits up. AUSTIN (reflective) Felicity, I used to think that way, too, but I guess... I guess I've changed. Not to make a short story long, or to ramble on and on, or to keep talking in a repetitive manner ad infinitum until it becomes impossible to remember what I was talking about in the first place, but- where was I? MUSIC: SAD INSTRUMENTAL AUSTIN Oh yes. Felicity, I can't shag you. I've lost my mojo. FELICITY (obviously disappointed) Oh. AUSTIN I thought coming back to the Sixties would bring it back, but it hasn't. FELICITY Austin, don't worry. I know just the man to help you. He's my guru. Ringo recommended him and he's the best. AUSTIN I'll warm up the Jumbo Jet, baby! EXT. AUSTIN'S PSYCHEDELIC JUMBO JET Austin's plane in flight. EXT. INDIA - STOCK FOOTAGE EXT./INT. BEETLE Austin and Felicity drive against obvious rear screen projection of India. INT. ASHRAM It looks like a mosque, with incense, tapestries, and DISCIPLES. Austin and Felicity enter. MUSIC: SITAR FELICITY There he is. That's my guru. We see the GURU PITKA (played by Mike), an Indian man in a bright red sari. FELICITY Guru, I'd like you to meet Austin Powers. AUSTIN How are you baby? GURU PITKA My chakras are aligned and I am in a perfect state of equipoise. AUSTIN Good on ya. I don't know what that means but it sounds fab. FELICITY Guru, we need some advice. GURU PITKA Hold your horses and any other beasts- of burden. I must lead my disciples in meditation and then I will help you. The Guru walks to the front of the room and the disciples sink to their knees. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA My name is the Guru Pitka. I am a spiritual teacher and I have combined many disparate disciplines into a unified movement of human potentiality and equipoise that I learned from my guru, the late Guru Shastri, a chaste man who died mysteriously of a disease that strangely had all the hallmarks of syphilis. He would say to me, Sparky, love is all, life is breath. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA Now, perhaps you are wondering where I got the nickname Sparky. Well, when we were young we used to play a game called "Stinkmop". We would urinate into a bucket, dip a mop into it, and play tag. I did not care for "Stinkmop" and a very wise old man said to me 'oh lighten up, Sparky', and I don't know, the name kind of stuck. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhhh... GURU PITKA Now, the reason I am a spiritualist instead of a therapist is that 'therapist' often becomes 'the rapist' and that will not help us attain potentiality. Now what is potentiality? It is the ability to achieve those goals that we wish to achieve for ourselves. People often say to me that they feel "nowhere", and I am going to change that to "Now here." The guru holds up a card which says "NOWHERE = NOW HERE!" DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh... GURU PITKA And you have many assumptions about your goals, but when you "assume" You make an "ass" out of "u" and "me". Guru holds up a card which says "ASSUME = ASS - U - ME." DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh.... GURU PITKA The being, or that which we call 'ourselves', is not the tinker. It is not the taughts. It is the Gap between the tinker and the taughts! We are not our mind, we are not our body, we are the Gap! Guru holds up a card that says "NOT TINKER, NOT TAUGHTS, BUT THE GAP" with the familiar Gap font. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA (rapid fire) The heart of the matter is that you are the heart of the matter. There is no "I" in "team". Beer before liquor, never sicker. Don't take a wooden nickel. If your pipe is short and your pump is weak, you better stand close or you'll piss on your feet. He who goes to bed with itchy bum wakes up with smelly finger. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA Finally, the path to spiritual awakening requires the death of ego. Leggo of my ego! Let us end with the mantra: Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. DISCIPLES (chanting) Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. The Guru takes a swig of Yoo-Hoo. GURU PITKA Go with God, and pay at the door please. The disciples file out. Austin and Felicity approach. GURU PITKA How can I help you? AUSTIN Guru, I'm having trouble performing. GURU PITKA What do you mean? AUSTIN You know- my bits and pieces are a bit sleepy. GURU PITKA I'm not understanding. AUSTIN I've forgotten the steps to the Mummy- Daddy dance. GURU PITKA Still not clear. AUSTIN My flag's at half mast and no one will salute it. GURU PITKA Sorry? AUSTIN My Willie don't work. GURU PITKA Why are you beating around the bush? AUSTIN That's my problem. GURU PITKA Ohhhhh, I get it. (beat) No, I don't get it. FELICITY He's impotent! AUSTIN Alright, easy. (to Guru) Felicity and I were all set for some hump Olympics and I couldn't bat for six. GURU PITKA Oh, yes, I see. AUSTIN You have no idea what I'm saying, do you? GURU PITKA Not a word. AUSTIN Guru, I've lost my mojo. GURU PITKA Oh, mojo! You should have said so. Well, you've lost your mojo because your chakras are misaligned. You have lost love. AUSTIN Lost love? Oh, you mean Vanessa? FELICITY Who's Vanessa? AUSTIN She was an evil robot minion of Dr. Evil. I couldn't have loved her. GURU PITKA Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, buddy. You will only get your mojo back when you surround yourself with love. AUSTIN Oh, I get what you're saying now! He's talking about free love, baby! Tune in, turn on, and drop out! GURU PITKA I am talking about true love. You must stay and study until you are worthy. AUSTIN No way, man. The only way to surround yourself with love is to throw a swinging shin-dig! Yeah, baby, yeah! INT. DR.EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR Dr. Evil and Frau are interrupted by the man we now know as FAT BASTARD. He is foul-mouthed, and when he swears he is bleeped. DR. EVIL Well done, Fat Bastard. May I have the mojo? FAT BASTARD First things first, where's your shitter? I've gotta bleepin, turtle head pokin' out. DR. EVIL (disgusted) Right. Charming. Fat Bastard- you don't mind me calling you Fat Bastard do you? FAT BASTARD I've got a lot of demons kickin' around in my noggin, but weight issues ain't one of them. DR. EVIL Alright, Fatty- FAT BASTARD The name is Fat Bastard! I'm the incorrect weight for my height and I was born out of wedlock, hence the moniker Fat Bastard. Hey, I'm not kiddin'. I've got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey. DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, the mojo? FAT BASTARD Where's my (bleeping) money? DR. EVIL A gentlemen never discusses money. FAT BASTARD Fine, you can take your (bleep)in' money and shove it up your (bleep), you stupid (bleeping) prick! While you're at it you can suck my greasy, two-toned (bleep)! DR. EVIL (pause) Vulgarity is no substitute for wit. FAT BASTARD (Bleep) you! DR. EVIL Right. Bring in the money. Dr. Evil PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIERS drive in a forklift loaded with gold bars. FAT BASTARD Alright, here it is. Fat Bastard slowly draws out the high-tech syringe full of MOJO. Dr. Evil is mesmerized. DR. EVIL Mini-Me, fetch. Mini-Me runs and snatches the mojo from Fat Bastard and gives it to Dr. Evil, who caresses it and places it on a SPECIALLY PREPARED PEDESTAL. NUMBER TWO enters. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I have some bad news. Austin Powers is back in the Sixties. One of our best assassins spotted him but he got away. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous, we have his mojo. NUMBER TWO There is another. Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Suddenly, Scott Evil enters through TIME PORTAL. DR. EVIL Scott, what are you doing here? SCOTT I don't know, I was sitting around watching the tube and The Courtship of Eddie's Father came on Nick at Nite, you know, and I was just listening to that theme song-- (hums/sings the theme) Anyway it made me think that maybe we could try and work things out. You know, you are my Dad and I need you. DR. EVIL You had your chance, Scott. I already have someone created in my image. He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins. (looking around) Has anyone seen Mini-Me? (calling out) Mini-Me! Mini-Mouse? Mini-Driver? Hello! Mini Pearl? Can we put a frickin' bell on him or something? Scott, very hurt, sits back in his chair and sulks. Dr. Evil hits a button and a model moon and a model earth descend. DR. EVIL Gentlemen, phase three. We place a giant laser on the moon. Let me demonstrate. (beat) Where's my laser? Dr. Evil looks around and sees Mini-Me gnawing on the model laser. Dr. Evil takes it from his mouth DR. EVIL Mini-Me, don't chew my laser. (to room) Not feeling well. He has an ear infection, but tit's OK. (pause) No? Nothing? (back to model) Anyway, the laser is powerful enough to destroy every city on the planet at will. We'll turn the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star". Scott SNICKERS. DR. EVIL What? SCOTT (snickering again) Nothing Darth. DR. EVIL What did you call me? SCOTT Nothing. (pretends to sneeze) Rip-off! DR. EVIL (unsure) Bless you? Anyways, since my "death star" laser was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist, Dr. Parsons. I thought we'd name it in his honor-- the Alan Parsons Project. Scott SNICKERS again. DR. EVIL What now? SCOTT The Alan Parsons Project was a progressive rock band from 1982. Why don't you just name it Operation Wang Chung, ass? DR. EVIL (indicating laser) When you get your own evil empire, you can call it whatever you want. Gentlemen, allow me to demonstrate the awesome lethality of the Alan Parsons Project. Fire the laser! INSERT SHOT: A giant laser beam smashes down through the roof of the White House, causing it to explode. Everyone is shocked by the laser's power. NUMBER TWO My God, Dr. Evil, you destroyed the Wihite House with no warning! DR. EVIL Actually, that was just footage from the 1996 blockbuster motion Picture Independence Day, but it would be a lot like that. What do you think, Scott? SCOTT Yeah, Codename: Thompson Twins was really impressive. DR. EVIL Shhhh! SCOTT I'm nineteen, I don't- DR. EVIL Shh! Shh-Shh. Shh-Shhhhhh-Shh. Shh- shh! It's Morse code. (reading imaginary paper) Let me decipher... it says 'shhhhh!' SCOTT You are so lame- DR. EVIL (like Electric Company) Ssssss...huuuuuh...Shhhhh! NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, what are we going to do about Powers? DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, in addition to being extremely rotund, you're a vicious killer. Take care of it. FAT BASTARD It'll be my pleasure. DR. EVIL It's an easy job. Without his mojo, Powers will be...powerless? INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT A party, packed with dancing freaks of every stripe, is in full swing. A girl dances in an oversized birdcage. AUSTIN This shag-in is gonna blow your mind, baby, yeah! The party sequence is shot like Laugh-In. Very fast cuts to the music. Austin sees a VERY PREGNANT WOMAN drinking a martini and smoking. He gently lifts her drink and cigarette away from her. PREGNANT WOMAN Hey! AUSTIN You'll thank me later, baby. Another angle. Austin and Felicity dancing. AUSTIN (noticing someone) Hey! Ricardo Monteblan, how are you? We see RICARDO MONTEBLAN -smoking a hukka on a round chair. RICARDO Hello, Austin! Balls, said the queen and the king laughed because he had too. AUSTIN (to camera) Crazy, man! FELICITY Let's split up and scope the scene. AUSTIN Don't do anything I wouldn't do- at least not without me. Felicity slaps Austin on the butt as he walks off. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: Austin at the bar with an exotic-looking mod chick. AUSTIN (to chick) You're very exotic, baby. Do you have a little English in you? CHICK No. AUSTIN Would you like to? CUT TO: An Alan Zeus-type very gay guy. ALAN ZEUS GUY (rolling his eyes) This is ridiculous! CUT TO: A LONDON COP and Felicity are on hanging chairs. LONDON COP Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz? FELICITY No, but I bet it really hurts. CUT TO: A GUY IN A RAINCOAT on a tricycle, shot undercranked, rides through the party and falls over. CUT TO: Austin pops into frame with a book that says "AUSTIN POWERS SEXY DICTIONARY". AUSTIN The Austin Powers Sexy Dictionary defines an Eskimo hooker as a frosty prosty. CUT TO: An eskimo at the bar in a fur parka. ESKIMO (to camera) I don't get it. CUT TO: The camera pans up Felicity's cool hip-huggers, which are very tight. AUSTIN Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants, baby? FELICITY Well you can start by buying me a drink. Austin does a spit take. CUT TO: Felicity with a VIKING. VIKING You were great last night. By the way, I'm Thor. FELICITY You're Thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly thit. CUT TO: Austin is wearing a silly spiked German helmet like in Hogan's Heroes. AUSTIN (German accent) Hello, I am Baron Von Firstinbed. Last night I had German-Chinese food. An hour later I was hungry- for power. CUT TO: ZEUS GUY Oh puh-leez, why don't you take a handful of F-off pills? CUT TO: AUSTIN Did you hear about the contortionist who was engaged to be married? FELICITY Yeah, I heard she broke it off. CUT TO: Film running backwards of Austin doing a spit take. CUT TO: ARTIE JOHNSON in German helmet behind a plant. ARTIE JOHNSON Verrrrry interesting- but shtupid! CUT TO: Austin takes his glasses off to clean them. We see his POV, which is totally fuzzy. He looks over and sees what appears to be a NUDE GIRL- two round globes and dark triangle. Austin puts his glasses on and looks again. It is actually a girl in a flesh-colored dress. In between her and Austin were two COMPLETELY BALD MEN and a triangular martini glass filled with a Cosmopolitan. CUT TO: Cut to Austin and Felicity together again. FELICITY Look at that. She points to where Fat Bastard and his companion are standing. AUSTIN That's not a pretty sight. Who is he? FELICITY Until recently he worked security for the MOD, but we think he might be a double agent, possibly for Dr. Evil. AUSTIN How do you know? FELICITY We've noticed that his lifestyle has changed dramatically. He's made a lot of cash purchases, he's hanging out with foxes half his age, and he's becomes quite a fixture on the London party circuit. AUSTIN Who's the girl? FELICITY I don't know, but it looks like he's splitting. Fat Bastard exits. FELICITY I'll follow him. You see what you can get out of the girl. We'll rendezvous later. Felicity follows Fat Bastard out the door. Austin makes his way over to the girl. AUSTIN Hello, hello. GIRL Hello, Mr. Powers. Fab party. AUSTIN Who are you today, baby? GIRL Robin. Robin Swallows. AUSTIN Swallows? That's an interesting name. Are you English? ROBIN SWALLOWS German, actually. My maiden name is Spitz. AUSTIN Well which is it, baby, Spitz or Swallows? Either way, it's a pleasure. ROBIN SWALLOWS The pleasure is mine. She extends her hand. Austin takes it and shakes. As he shakes, her cleavage undulates like jello. Austin is transfixed and keeps shaking far too long. AUSTIN Charmed, I'm sure. (still shaking, her breasts jiggle) How do you do? (still shaking, jiggling) Yes, quite. (shakes, jiggles) I always enjoy meeting new people. (shakes, jiggles) How's your mum? Good. (shakes, jiggles) I love shaking hands. Austin. is shaking her hand so vigorously that she is in danger of popping out of her dress. AUSTIN (snapping out of it) So, who was your friend? ROBIN SWALLOWS His name is Fat Bastard. AUSTIN It suits him. ROBIN SWALLOWS He's my lover. Austin is grossed out. AUSTIN OK. Would you happen to know if he's in business with a man named Mr. Evil? ROBIN SWALLOWS I don't know anyone named Dr. Evil. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Evil. Austin does a smug take. AUSTIN Something to drink? Would you like a Mister Pepper? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes, I'd love a Doctor Pepper. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Pepper. Austin does another smug take. Robin grabs Austin and pulls him close. ROBIN SWALLOWS You're a groovy boy, I'd like to strap you on sometime. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: ALAN ZEUS-TYPE GUY IN LIMBO ALAN ZEUS TYPE Meanwhile... BACK TO: EXT. FISH AND CHIPS STAND - NIGHT Literally a window in a wall. Fat Bastard is placing his order. FAT BASTARD ...and I'll have a fried-prawn sandwich, with extra mayonnaise, two whole chickens, a kidney pie, a toad in the hole, bubble and squeak, bangers and mash, 3 orders of fish and chips, and... a Fresca. No ice. We pan to see Felicity beside him. FELICITY I love a man with a large appetite. FAT BASTARD And I love a woman with big (bleeps), so let's shut up and get to (bleep)ing. Felicity swallows hard and forces a smile. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT AUSTIN Can I ask you a question? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes. AUSTIN Thank you. Beat. ROBIN SWALLOWS Well, what's the question? AUSTIN Oh, yes. Would you like to shag? Would you? ROBIN SWALLOWS I'd love to, Mr. Powers, just come right... over... here. Robin moves Austin into place as they dance. AUSTIN You're a bit of alright. Just then, Austin looks into her eyes and sees the REFLECTION OF AN ASSASSIN (Oedipus) about to throw a knife. Just as he throws it, Austin spins Robin Swallows around and USES HER AS A SHIELD. She takes the knife squarely in the back. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the revolver. Oedipus pulls out a pistol and begins FIRING. Austin continues to use Robin AS A SHIELD. She takes six hits. Oedipus runs out of bullets. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the machine gun. Oedipus pulls out a machine gun and FIRES. In a Robert Rodriquez- like flurry of events, Austin dodges while still USING HER AS

merchandising

How many times the word 'merchandising' appears in the text?

BASIL EXPOSITION Agent Haggerty was the test, Austin. Not only were you actually reading an article in that Playboy, but a candy-stripe nurse offering to give you a sponge bath didn't so much as turn your head. AUSTIN Wait, I can explain, man! I was going to shag her but the article was so fascinating-- BASIL EXPOSITION I'm sorry, Austin, I'm afraid it's true: you've lost your mojo. Basil shows Austin the mojometer, which reads EMPTY. AUSTIN (crushed) Without my mojo, I'm useless to the Ministry and to Her Majesty. I think it's time to retire. BASIL EXPOSITION I'm afraid that's not possible, Austin. You see, Dr. Evil has returned. AUSTIN Again? BASIL EXPOSITION Again. INT. MOD - TIME-TRAVEL ROOM Austin and Basil ride on the back of a golf cart through the largest room you've ever seen in your life. BASIL EXPOSITION We have evidence that Dr. Evil has developed a time machine. Basil shows Austin altered photos of Dr. Evil with famous villains, such as Sadam, Nixon, and Donald Trump. BASIL EXPOSITION Our researcher noticed that these photos from the archives have changed. That means Dr. Evil is traveling back in time and creating alliances with each decade's most despised villains. Austin tries to read them and gets queasy. AUSTIN I can't read in the car. I get a bit vomy. Austin burps and swallows it. AUSTIN Got it. I almost gipped. BASIL EXPOSITION (V.O.) Our data indicates that Dr. Evil is in the year 1969. Luckily, we also have a time travel device. After years of research we've developed a machine that will transport you back to the Sixties. A bright overhead light comes on spotlighting a brand new VOLKSWAGEN BEETLE CONVERTIBLE, painted up psychedelic by Peter Max. AUSTIN But Basil, isn't that the new Volkswagen Beetle? BASIL EXPOSITION That's what they'd like you to believe. AUSTIN So, Basil, if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967, I could go look at my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the 90's and traveled back to the Sixties? (goes cross-eyed) Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed. BASIL EXPOSITION (to camera) I suggest you don't worry about those things and just enjoy yourself. Austin gets into the car and turns it on. AUSTIN This is smashing Basil. I'll go back to the Sixties, recharge my mojo, defeat Dr. Evil and be back in time for tea. BASIL EXPOSITION Good luck, Austin. AUSTIN Luck has nothing to do with it, Basil. Austin steps on the gas. The car lurches in reverse and smashes some equipment. AUSTIN Sorry. (changing gears) Swinging Sixties, here I come, baby, yeah! The car takes off, heading for the wall. It DISAPPEARS, leaving flaming tread marks. FLASH CUT TO: EXT. STREET - LONDON - The Beetle time machine appears out of nowhere and screeches to a stop. A London HIPPIE smoking a hukka watches. He throws the hukka down. Austin hops out. AUSTIN I feel better already, man! Austin smiles and we see that his teeth are back to being TERRIBLE. He walks off as a crowd gathers around the car. EXT. PARK - LONDON Austin enters the park in high spirits. We PULL BACK to see that Austin is being watched through binoculars by a big ARYAN ASSASSIN. PULL BACK FURTHER to reveal a beautiful MYSTERIOUS WOMAN watching both of them. From this distance we can't tell who she is. A sign reads "BE-IN FOR PEACE". HIPPIES, MODS, and FREAKS of all descriptions dance to the music of a PSYCHEDELIC BAND. The band's name is on the drum kit: "MING TEA." AUSTIN Alright, baby, a swinging shin-dig! Austin gets into the dancing, quickly becoming the center of the scene. The lead singer of the band invites him on stage and hands him the microphone as the band starts a new song: "SEXUAL REVOLUTION." Austin begins singing and a choreographed musical number begins involving the outdoor crowd a la Bob Fosse's Sweet Charity or Hair. AUSTIN (singing) 'THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION, YOU CAN FEEL IT IN THE AIR. PEOPLE SHAGGING JUST LIKE WEASELS AND THEY JUST DON'T SEEM TO CARE. Hip-thrusting young MOD FREAKS Fosse-hump rhythmically. AUSTIN (singing) HEY, WATCH OUT SQUARES... YOU MAKES US BORED! THE PENIS IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD Austin does various groovy dance moves like THE ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOT and THE HEAVYWEIGHT. AUSTIN (singing) THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION AND YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET PEOPLE SHAGGING IN THE CLUBS AND INSIDE A JUMBO JET Forty Austins appear in a KALEIDOSCOPE EFFECT. AUSTIN (singing) HEY SQUARE WORLD THE END IS NIGH. WHEN WE SAY HUMP YOU SAY 'HOW HIGH?' Three GROOVY CHICKS behind Austin suddenly have tambourines for the big finale. The assassin and the mysterious woman are both in the audience, keeping an eye on Austin. All we see of the woman are shots of her BOOTS, CLOTHES, and a FEMALE SYMBOL MEDALLION. AUSTIN (singing) SO GO MAKE LOVE OR MASTURBATE-- SEXUAL FREEDOM WILL NEVER BE OUT OF DAAAAAAAAAAATE! Austin holds the note an improbably long time, arms outstretched. The dancers crouch-walk towards the camera. EVERYONE (chanting) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (shouting) IT'S THE SIXTIES! The SONG ENDS and all the dancers end up on one knee with their arms outstretched, panting. Austin breathes heavily and smiles smugly like Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance. We are TIGHT ON Austin's ass. PULL BACK to see that it is the MYSTERIOUS WOMAN who is watching Austin's ass. She SMILES behind the binoculars hiding her face. 37 EXT. CARNABY ST. Austin walks down the street looking at his new BEATLES ALBUM. Sitting in a parked Citroen watching him is the ASSASSIN. The Aryan assassin nods to a SHOE-SHINE on the street. The shoe-shine boy nods to a BUSINESS MAN in a Homburg. The business man nods to a BOBBY. The bobby nods to a WOMAN WITH A BABY CARRIAGE. The woman with a baby carriage nods to a MIME. The mime nods to a BLIND BEGGAR with a tin cup. The blind beggar nods to a CARPENTER on a roof. The carpenter FLASHES A LIGHT to an INDIAN CHIEF. The Indian Chief gives a SMOKE SIGNAL to a TELEGRAPH OPERATOR. The telegraph operator sends a signal to the BEEFEATER GUARD. The Beefeater salutes with his pike to a SEXY TICKET COLLECTOR on a double-decker bus. The sexy ticket collector signals a TAXI DRIVER. The taxi driver nods back to the assassin as he drives by. INT. CITROEN The assassin gets the signal and starts the car. The whole nodding sequence was a circular waste of time. EXT. STREET - VARIOUS ANGLES Austin walks along. Suddenly, he sees the Citroen coming at him. He dives out of the way and takes off running. He rounds a corner and pretends to be a COUPLE MAKING OUT against a wall by hugging himself. The assassin sees him and slams on the brakes. He raises his gun. Austin turns as he hears a car HONK. It's Austin's BEETLE CONVERTIBLE. The mysterious woman steps out. We see her in her entirety for the first time, and what a sight it is. She has long auburn hair and wears a tight racing suit, unzipped just enough to show the female symbol medallion. She is FELICITY SHAGWELL. MUSIC: FELICITY'S THEME FELICITY Care for a ride? AUSTIN That's my Beetle, baby. FELICITY It was your Beetle. Get in. Austin dives in as the assassin FIRES. The car speeds off. INT. BEETLE (REAR PROJECTION) Felicity drives expertly. FELICITY Austin Powers, I presume? AUSTIN Powers by name, Powers by reputation. FELICITY Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Shagwell by name, Shag-very-Well by reputation. AUSTIN (turning to camera) Crazy, baby! EXT. ROAD The Beetle zips along, and then-- the Citroen appears behind it. The assassin FIRES. INT. BEETLE Felicity turns around to look. FELICITY Grab the wheel, would you? Austin grabs the wheel and Felicity pulls a gun. She turns and FIRES out the window. EXT. ROAD The assassin's tire BLOWS. The car skids towards a Cliff and he jumps out as it goes over. EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN The car goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it EXPLODES. EXT. CLIFF The assassin hangs on to a branch with one hand. He falls. ASSASSIN Ahhhhhhhh! EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN Same shot as the car: The assassin's body goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it, too, EXPLODES. FELICITY Well, Austin, I think this time you may have met your match. AUSTIN Oh, I've beaten Dr. Evil before, and I'll beat him again. FELICITY I was talking about me. She smiles, turns, and walks away. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD The room is dark, with only a single spotlight providing illumination. Suddenly, Austin and Felicity rise on an elevator into the middle of the spotlight. AUSTIN Welcome to my shag pad, baby. Light floods the pad, revealing hanging basket chairs, Hi- fi, and Warhol silk screens of Austin. Austin blows DUST off a table. AUSTIN Care for something to drink? Austin hits a button and a bookcase revolves to reveal a wetbar. AUSTIN Or perhaps something to read? Austin walks seductively over to the real wetbar and hits a button. It revolves to reveal a bookcase. AUSTIN How about a hot cup of coffee? FELICITY Yes, I rather fancy a grind. AUSTIN Oh, Behave! Austin hits a button and an automatic coffee-pourer pours a cup. MUSIC: Girl from Impenema by JOBIM AUSTIN Would you like a... mas-sage? A sensssual mas-sage? Austin hits a button and a series of actions take place: the floor opens up to reveal a sunken bed; red gels slide into place over the lamps; a painting slides back to reveal a reel-to-reel; an end table revolves to reveal a selection of massage oils. Felicity lies on her stomach. Austin begins to massage her. AUSTIN How does that feel, baby? FELICITY Mmm, lower. AUSTIN (lowering his voice) HOW DOES THAT FEEL, BABY? They laugh. Austin continues to massage her. FELICITY Wait, something's itching me. She reaches behind her and unties the strap of her evening dress, revealing her naked back. FELICITY That's better. AUSTIN Crikey!!! Austin GULPS and accidentally spurts way too much oil on her. AUSTIN Sorry. Austin continues the back rub and Felicity stretches out on the bed. AUSTIN (talking to his crotch) Hello, anyone home? C'mon lads, do it for England. Austin takes a peak-- nothing. He is panicked. FELICITY Oh, that was so relaxing. Felicity stretches very sexily. AUSTIN Would you 'like to see my etchings? FELICITY (sexy) I think I'm ready for bed. She moves close to Austin. He slides to the other side of the bed. AUSTIN I'll get you some PJs. FELICITY No, I'm ready for bed. She moves over to him. He avoids her. AUSTIN Oh, you'll want to clean your teeth then. Austin holds up toothpaste and toothbrush. Felicity finally grabs him and pins him to the bed. FELICITY No, I want to have sex with you, Austin. AUSTIN Hello Vicar! FELICITY I've studied everything about you- your methods, your accomplishments, your preferences. You're the reason I became a spy. Now, I've waited two years to meet you, so I say we get busy making up for lost time. Austin sits up. AUSTIN (reflective) Felicity, I used to think that way, too, but I guess... I guess I've changed. Not to make a short story long, or to ramble on and on, or to keep talking in a repetitive manner ad infinitum until it becomes impossible to remember what I was talking about in the first place, but- where was I? MUSIC: SAD INSTRUMENTAL AUSTIN Oh yes. Felicity, I can't shag you. I've lost my mojo. FELICITY (obviously disappointed) Oh. AUSTIN I thought coming back to the Sixties would bring it back, but it hasn't. FELICITY Austin, don't worry. I know just the man to help you. He's my guru. Ringo recommended him and he's the best. AUSTIN I'll warm up the Jumbo Jet, baby! EXT. AUSTIN'S PSYCHEDELIC JUMBO JET Austin's plane in flight. EXT. INDIA - STOCK FOOTAGE EXT./INT. BEETLE Austin and Felicity drive against obvious rear screen projection of India. INT. ASHRAM It looks like a mosque, with incense, tapestries, and DISCIPLES. Austin and Felicity enter. MUSIC: SITAR FELICITY There he is. That's my guru. We see the GURU PITKA (played by Mike), an Indian man in a bright red sari. FELICITY Guru, I'd like you to meet Austin Powers. AUSTIN How are you baby? GURU PITKA My chakras are aligned and I am in a perfect state of equipoise. AUSTIN Good on ya. I don't know what that means but it sounds fab. FELICITY Guru, we need some advice. GURU PITKA Hold your horses and any other beasts- of burden. I must lead my disciples in meditation and then I will help you. The Guru walks to the front of the room and the disciples sink to their knees. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA My name is the Guru Pitka. I am a spiritual teacher and I have combined many disparate disciplines into a unified movement of human potentiality and equipoise that I learned from my guru, the late Guru Shastri, a chaste man who died mysteriously of a disease that strangely had all the hallmarks of syphilis. He would say to me, Sparky, love is all, life is breath. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA Now, perhaps you are wondering where I got the nickname Sparky. Well, when we were young we used to play a game called "Stinkmop". We would urinate into a bucket, dip a mop into it, and play tag. I did not care for "Stinkmop" and a very wise old man said to me 'oh lighten up, Sparky', and I don't know, the name kind of stuck. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhhh... GURU PITKA Now, the reason I am a spiritualist instead of a therapist is that 'therapist' often becomes 'the rapist' and that will not help us attain potentiality. Now what is potentiality? It is the ability to achieve those goals that we wish to achieve for ourselves. People often say to me that they feel "nowhere", and I am going to change that to "Now here." The guru holds up a card which says "NOWHERE = NOW HERE!" DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh... GURU PITKA And you have many assumptions about your goals, but when you "assume" You make an "ass" out of "u" and "me". Guru holds up a card which says "ASSUME = ASS - U - ME." DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh.... GURU PITKA The being, or that which we call 'ourselves', is not the tinker. It is not the taughts. It is the Gap between the tinker and the taughts! We are not our mind, we are not our body, we are the Gap! Guru holds up a card that says "NOT TINKER, NOT TAUGHTS, BUT THE GAP" with the familiar Gap font. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA (rapid fire) The heart of the matter is that you are the heart of the matter. There is no "I" in "team". Beer before liquor, never sicker. Don't take a wooden nickel. If your pipe is short and your pump is weak, you better stand close or you'll piss on your feet. He who goes to bed with itchy bum wakes up with smelly finger. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA Finally, the path to spiritual awakening requires the death of ego. Leggo of my ego! Let us end with the mantra: Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. DISCIPLES (chanting) Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. The Guru takes a swig of Yoo-Hoo. GURU PITKA Go with God, and pay at the door please. The disciples file out. Austin and Felicity approach. GURU PITKA How can I help you? AUSTIN Guru, I'm having trouble performing. GURU PITKA What do you mean? AUSTIN You know- my bits and pieces are a bit sleepy. GURU PITKA I'm not understanding. AUSTIN I've forgotten the steps to the Mummy- Daddy dance. GURU PITKA Still not clear. AUSTIN My flag's at half mast and no one will salute it. GURU PITKA Sorry? AUSTIN My Willie don't work. GURU PITKA Why are you beating around the bush? AUSTIN That's my problem. GURU PITKA Ohhhhh, I get it. (beat) No, I don't get it. FELICITY He's impotent! AUSTIN Alright, easy. (to Guru) Felicity and I were all set for some hump Olympics and I couldn't bat for six. GURU PITKA Oh, yes, I see. AUSTIN You have no idea what I'm saying, do you? GURU PITKA Not a word. AUSTIN Guru, I've lost my mojo. GURU PITKA Oh, mojo! You should have said so. Well, you've lost your mojo because your chakras are misaligned. You have lost love. AUSTIN Lost love? Oh, you mean Vanessa? FELICITY Who's Vanessa? AUSTIN She was an evil robot minion of Dr. Evil. I couldn't have loved her. GURU PITKA Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, buddy. You will only get your mojo back when you surround yourself with love. AUSTIN Oh, I get what you're saying now! He's talking about free love, baby! Tune in, turn on, and drop out! GURU PITKA I am talking about true love. You must stay and study until you are worthy. AUSTIN No way, man. The only way to surround yourself with love is to throw a swinging shin-dig! Yeah, baby, yeah! INT. DR.EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR Dr. Evil and Frau are interrupted by the man we now know as FAT BASTARD. He is foul-mouthed, and when he swears he is bleeped. DR. EVIL Well done, Fat Bastard. May I have the mojo? FAT BASTARD First things first, where's your shitter? I've gotta bleepin, turtle head pokin' out. DR. EVIL (disgusted) Right. Charming. Fat Bastard- you don't mind me calling you Fat Bastard do you? FAT BASTARD I've got a lot of demons kickin' around in my noggin, but weight issues ain't one of them. DR. EVIL Alright, Fatty- FAT BASTARD The name is Fat Bastard! I'm the incorrect weight for my height and I was born out of wedlock, hence the moniker Fat Bastard. Hey, I'm not kiddin'. I've got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey. DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, the mojo? FAT BASTARD Where's my (bleeping) money? DR. EVIL A gentlemen never discusses money. FAT BASTARD Fine, you can take your (bleep)in' money and shove it up your (bleep), you stupid (bleeping) prick! While you're at it you can suck my greasy, two-toned (bleep)! DR. EVIL (pause) Vulgarity is no substitute for wit. FAT BASTARD (Bleep) you! DR. EVIL Right. Bring in the money. Dr. Evil PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIERS drive in a forklift loaded with gold bars. FAT BASTARD Alright, here it is. Fat Bastard slowly draws out the high-tech syringe full of MOJO. Dr. Evil is mesmerized. DR. EVIL Mini-Me, fetch. Mini-Me runs and snatches the mojo from Fat Bastard and gives it to Dr. Evil, who caresses it and places it on a SPECIALLY PREPARED PEDESTAL. NUMBER TWO enters. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I have some bad news. Austin Powers is back in the Sixties. One of our best assassins spotted him but he got away. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous, we have his mojo. NUMBER TWO There is another. Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Suddenly, Scott Evil enters through TIME PORTAL. DR. EVIL Scott, what are you doing here? SCOTT I don't know, I was sitting around watching the tube and The Courtship of Eddie's Father came on Nick at Nite, you know, and I was just listening to that theme song-- (hums/sings the theme) Anyway it made me think that maybe we could try and work things out. You know, you are my Dad and I need you. DR. EVIL You had your chance, Scott. I already have someone created in my image. He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins. (looking around) Has anyone seen Mini-Me? (calling out) Mini-Me! Mini-Mouse? Mini-Driver? Hello! Mini Pearl? Can we put a frickin' bell on him or something? Scott, very hurt, sits back in his chair and sulks. Dr. Evil hits a button and a model moon and a model earth descend. DR. EVIL Gentlemen, phase three. We place a giant laser on the moon. Let me demonstrate. (beat) Where's my laser? Dr. Evil looks around and sees Mini-Me gnawing on the model laser. Dr. Evil takes it from his mouth DR. EVIL Mini-Me, don't chew my laser. (to room) Not feeling well. He has an ear infection, but tit's OK. (pause) No? Nothing? (back to model) Anyway, the laser is powerful enough to destroy every city on the planet at will. We'll turn the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star". Scott SNICKERS. DR. EVIL What? SCOTT (snickering again) Nothing Darth. DR. EVIL What did you call me? SCOTT Nothing. (pretends to sneeze) Rip-off! DR. EVIL (unsure) Bless you? Anyways, since my "death star" laser was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist, Dr. Parsons. I thought we'd name it in his honor-- the Alan Parsons Project. Scott SNICKERS again. DR. EVIL What now? SCOTT The Alan Parsons Project was a progressive rock band from 1982. Why don't you just name it Operation Wang Chung, ass? DR. EVIL (indicating laser) When you get your own evil empire, you can call it whatever you want. Gentlemen, allow me to demonstrate the awesome lethality of the Alan Parsons Project. Fire the laser! INSERT SHOT: A giant laser beam smashes down through the roof of the White House, causing it to explode. Everyone is shocked by the laser's power. NUMBER TWO My God, Dr. Evil, you destroyed the Wihite House with no warning! DR. EVIL Actually, that was just footage from the 1996 blockbuster motion Picture Independence Day, but it would be a lot like that. What do you think, Scott? SCOTT Yeah, Codename: Thompson Twins was really impressive. DR. EVIL Shhhh! SCOTT I'm nineteen, I don't- DR. EVIL Shh! Shh-Shh. Shh-Shhhhhh-Shh. Shh- shh! It's Morse code. (reading imaginary paper) Let me decipher... it says 'shhhhh!' SCOTT You are so lame- DR. EVIL (like Electric Company) Ssssss...huuuuuh...Shhhhh! NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, what are we going to do about Powers? DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, in addition to being extremely rotund, you're a vicious killer. Take care of it. FAT BASTARD It'll be my pleasure. DR. EVIL It's an easy job. Without his mojo, Powers will be...powerless? INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT A party, packed with dancing freaks of every stripe, is in full swing. A girl dances in an oversized birdcage. AUSTIN This shag-in is gonna blow your mind, baby, yeah! The party sequence is shot like Laugh-In. Very fast cuts to the music. Austin sees a VERY PREGNANT WOMAN drinking a martini and smoking. He gently lifts her drink and cigarette away from her. PREGNANT WOMAN Hey! AUSTIN You'll thank me later, baby. Another angle. Austin and Felicity dancing. AUSTIN (noticing someone) Hey! Ricardo Monteblan, how are you? We see RICARDO MONTEBLAN -smoking a hukka on a round chair. RICARDO Hello, Austin! Balls, said the queen and the king laughed because he had too. AUSTIN (to camera) Crazy, man! FELICITY Let's split up and scope the scene. AUSTIN Don't do anything I wouldn't do- at least not without me. Felicity slaps Austin on the butt as he walks off. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: Austin at the bar with an exotic-looking mod chick. AUSTIN (to chick) You're very exotic, baby. Do you have a little English in you? CHICK No. AUSTIN Would you like to? CUT TO: An Alan Zeus-type very gay guy. ALAN ZEUS GUY (rolling his eyes) This is ridiculous! CUT TO: A LONDON COP and Felicity are on hanging chairs. LONDON COP Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz? FELICITY No, but I bet it really hurts. CUT TO: A GUY IN A RAINCOAT on a tricycle, shot undercranked, rides through the party and falls over. CUT TO: Austin pops into frame with a book that says "AUSTIN POWERS SEXY DICTIONARY". AUSTIN The Austin Powers Sexy Dictionary defines an Eskimo hooker as a frosty prosty. CUT TO: An eskimo at the bar in a fur parka. ESKIMO (to camera) I don't get it. CUT TO: The camera pans up Felicity's cool hip-huggers, which are very tight. AUSTIN Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants, baby? FELICITY Well you can start by buying me a drink. Austin does a spit take. CUT TO: Felicity with a VIKING. VIKING You were great last night. By the way, I'm Thor. FELICITY You're Thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly thit. CUT TO: Austin is wearing a silly spiked German helmet like in Hogan's Heroes. AUSTIN (German accent) Hello, I am Baron Von Firstinbed. Last night I had German-Chinese food. An hour later I was hungry- for power. CUT TO: ZEUS GUY Oh puh-leez, why don't you take a handful of F-off pills? CUT TO: AUSTIN Did you hear about the contortionist who was engaged to be married? FELICITY Yeah, I heard she broke it off. CUT TO: Film running backwards of Austin doing a spit take. CUT TO: ARTIE JOHNSON in German helmet behind a plant. ARTIE JOHNSON Verrrrry interesting- but shtupid! CUT TO: Austin takes his glasses off to clean them. We see his POV, which is totally fuzzy. He looks over and sees what appears to be a NUDE GIRL- two round globes and dark triangle. Austin puts his glasses on and looks again. It is actually a girl in a flesh-colored dress. In between her and Austin were two COMPLETELY BALD MEN and a triangular martini glass filled with a Cosmopolitan. CUT TO: Cut to Austin and Felicity together again. FELICITY Look at that. She points to where Fat Bastard and his companion are standing. AUSTIN That's not a pretty sight. Who is he? FELICITY Until recently he worked security for the MOD, but we think he might be a double agent, possibly for Dr. Evil. AUSTIN How do you know? FELICITY We've noticed that his lifestyle has changed dramatically. He's made a lot of cash purchases, he's hanging out with foxes half his age, and he's becomes quite a fixture on the London party circuit. AUSTIN Who's the girl? FELICITY I don't know, but it looks like he's splitting. Fat Bastard exits. FELICITY I'll follow him. You see what you can get out of the girl. We'll rendezvous later. Felicity follows Fat Bastard out the door. Austin makes his way over to the girl. AUSTIN Hello, hello. GIRL Hello, Mr. Powers. Fab party. AUSTIN Who are you today, baby? GIRL Robin. Robin Swallows. AUSTIN Swallows? That's an interesting name. Are you English? ROBIN SWALLOWS German, actually. My maiden name is Spitz. AUSTIN Well which is it, baby, Spitz or Swallows? Either way, it's a pleasure. ROBIN SWALLOWS The pleasure is mine. She extends her hand. Austin takes it and shakes. As he shakes, her cleavage undulates like jello. Austin is transfixed and keeps shaking far too long. AUSTIN Charmed, I'm sure. (still shaking, her breasts jiggle) How do you do? (still shaking, jiggling) Yes, quite. (shakes, jiggles) I always enjoy meeting new people. (shakes, jiggles) How's your mum? Good. (shakes, jiggles) I love shaking hands. Austin. is shaking her hand so vigorously that she is in danger of popping out of her dress. AUSTIN (snapping out of it) So, who was your friend? ROBIN SWALLOWS His name is Fat Bastard. AUSTIN It suits him. ROBIN SWALLOWS He's my lover. Austin is grossed out. AUSTIN OK. Would you happen to know if he's in business with a man named Mr. Evil? ROBIN SWALLOWS I don't know anyone named Dr. Evil. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Evil. Austin does a smug take. AUSTIN Something to drink? Would you like a Mister Pepper? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes, I'd love a Doctor Pepper. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Pepper. Austin does another smug take. Robin grabs Austin and pulls him close. ROBIN SWALLOWS You're a groovy boy, I'd like to strap you on sometime. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: ALAN ZEUS-TYPE GUY IN LIMBO ALAN ZEUS TYPE Meanwhile... BACK TO: EXT. FISH AND CHIPS STAND - NIGHT Literally a window in a wall. Fat Bastard is placing his order. FAT BASTARD ...and I'll have a fried-prawn sandwich, with extra mayonnaise, two whole chickens, a kidney pie, a toad in the hole, bubble and squeak, bangers and mash, 3 orders of fish and chips, and... a Fresca. No ice. We pan to see Felicity beside him. FELICITY I love a man with a large appetite. FAT BASTARD And I love a woman with big (bleeps), so let's shut up and get to (bleep)ing. Felicity swallows hard and forces a smile. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT AUSTIN Can I ask you a question? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes. AUSTIN Thank you. Beat. ROBIN SWALLOWS Well, what's the question? AUSTIN Oh, yes. Would you like to shag? Would you? ROBIN SWALLOWS I'd love to, Mr. Powers, just come right... over... here. Robin moves Austin into place as they dance. AUSTIN You're a bit of alright. Just then, Austin looks into her eyes and sees the REFLECTION OF AN ASSASSIN (Oedipus) about to throw a knife. Just as he throws it, Austin spins Robin Swallows around and USES HER AS A SHIELD. She takes the knife squarely in the back. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the revolver. Oedipus pulls out a pistol and begins FIRING. Austin continues to use Robin AS A SHIELD. She takes six hits. Oedipus runs out of bullets. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the machine gun. Oedipus pulls out a machine gun and FIRES. In a Robert Rodriquez- like flurry of events, Austin dodges while still USING HER AS

lead

How many times the word 'lead' appears in the text?

BASIL EXPOSITION Agent Haggerty was the test, Austin. Not only were you actually reading an article in that Playboy, but a candy-stripe nurse offering to give you a sponge bath didn't so much as turn your head. AUSTIN Wait, I can explain, man! I was going to shag her but the article was so fascinating-- BASIL EXPOSITION I'm sorry, Austin, I'm afraid it's true: you've lost your mojo. Basil shows Austin the mojometer, which reads EMPTY. AUSTIN (crushed) Without my mojo, I'm useless to the Ministry and to Her Majesty. I think it's time to retire. BASIL EXPOSITION I'm afraid that's not possible, Austin. You see, Dr. Evil has returned. AUSTIN Again? BASIL EXPOSITION Again. INT. MOD - TIME-TRAVEL ROOM Austin and Basil ride on the back of a golf cart through the largest room you've ever seen in your life. BASIL EXPOSITION We have evidence that Dr. Evil has developed a time machine. Basil shows Austin altered photos of Dr. Evil with famous villains, such as Sadam, Nixon, and Donald Trump. BASIL EXPOSITION Our researcher noticed that these photos from the archives have changed. That means Dr. Evil is traveling back in time and creating alliances with each decade's most despised villains. Austin tries to read them and gets queasy. AUSTIN I can't read in the car. I get a bit vomy. Austin burps and swallows it. AUSTIN Got it. I almost gipped. BASIL EXPOSITION (V.O.) Our data indicates that Dr. Evil is in the year 1969. Luckily, we also have a time travel device. After years of research we've developed a machine that will transport you back to the Sixties. A bright overhead light comes on spotlighting a brand new VOLKSWAGEN BEETLE CONVERTIBLE, painted up psychedelic by Peter Max. AUSTIN But Basil, isn't that the new Volkswagen Beetle? BASIL EXPOSITION That's what they'd like you to believe. AUSTIN So, Basil, if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967, I could go look at my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the 90's and traveled back to the Sixties? (goes cross-eyed) Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed. BASIL EXPOSITION (to camera) I suggest you don't worry about those things and just enjoy yourself. Austin gets into the car and turns it on. AUSTIN This is smashing Basil. I'll go back to the Sixties, recharge my mojo, defeat Dr. Evil and be back in time for tea. BASIL EXPOSITION Good luck, Austin. AUSTIN Luck has nothing to do with it, Basil. Austin steps on the gas. The car lurches in reverse and smashes some equipment. AUSTIN Sorry. (changing gears) Swinging Sixties, here I come, baby, yeah! The car takes off, heading for the wall. It DISAPPEARS, leaving flaming tread marks. FLASH CUT TO: EXT. STREET - LONDON - The Beetle time machine appears out of nowhere and screeches to a stop. A London HIPPIE smoking a hukka watches. He throws the hukka down. Austin hops out. AUSTIN I feel better already, man! Austin smiles and we see that his teeth are back to being TERRIBLE. He walks off as a crowd gathers around the car. EXT. PARK - LONDON Austin enters the park in high spirits. We PULL BACK to see that Austin is being watched through binoculars by a big ARYAN ASSASSIN. PULL BACK FURTHER to reveal a beautiful MYSTERIOUS WOMAN watching both of them. From this distance we can't tell who she is. A sign reads "BE-IN FOR PEACE". HIPPIES, MODS, and FREAKS of all descriptions dance to the music of a PSYCHEDELIC BAND. The band's name is on the drum kit: "MING TEA." AUSTIN Alright, baby, a swinging shin-dig! Austin gets into the dancing, quickly becoming the center of the scene. The lead singer of the band invites him on stage and hands him the microphone as the band starts a new song: "SEXUAL REVOLUTION." Austin begins singing and a choreographed musical number begins involving the outdoor crowd a la Bob Fosse's Sweet Charity or Hair. AUSTIN (singing) 'THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION, YOU CAN FEEL IT IN THE AIR. PEOPLE SHAGGING JUST LIKE WEASELS AND THEY JUST DON'T SEEM TO CARE. Hip-thrusting young MOD FREAKS Fosse-hump rhythmically. AUSTIN (singing) HEY, WATCH OUT SQUARES... YOU MAKES US BORED! THE PENIS IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD Austin does various groovy dance moves like THE ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOT and THE HEAVYWEIGHT. AUSTIN (singing) THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION AND YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET PEOPLE SHAGGING IN THE CLUBS AND INSIDE A JUMBO JET Forty Austins appear in a KALEIDOSCOPE EFFECT. AUSTIN (singing) HEY SQUARE WORLD THE END IS NIGH. WHEN WE SAY HUMP YOU SAY 'HOW HIGH?' Three GROOVY CHICKS behind Austin suddenly have tambourines for the big finale. The assassin and the mysterious woman are both in the audience, keeping an eye on Austin. All we see of the woman are shots of her BOOTS, CLOTHES, and a FEMALE SYMBOL MEDALLION. AUSTIN (singing) SO GO MAKE LOVE OR MASTURBATE-- SEXUAL FREEDOM WILL NEVER BE OUT OF DAAAAAAAAAAATE! Austin holds the note an improbably long time, arms outstretched. The dancers crouch-walk towards the camera. EVERYONE (chanting) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (shouting) IT'S THE SIXTIES! The SONG ENDS and all the dancers end up on one knee with their arms outstretched, panting. Austin breathes heavily and smiles smugly like Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance. We are TIGHT ON Austin's ass. PULL BACK to see that it is the MYSTERIOUS WOMAN who is watching Austin's ass. She SMILES behind the binoculars hiding her face. 37 EXT. CARNABY ST. Austin walks down the street looking at his new BEATLES ALBUM. Sitting in a parked Citroen watching him is the ASSASSIN. The Aryan assassin nods to a SHOE-SHINE on the street. The shoe-shine boy nods to a BUSINESS MAN in a Homburg. The business man nods to a BOBBY. The bobby nods to a WOMAN WITH A BABY CARRIAGE. The woman with a baby carriage nods to a MIME. The mime nods to a BLIND BEGGAR with a tin cup. The blind beggar nods to a CARPENTER on a roof. The carpenter FLASHES A LIGHT to an INDIAN CHIEF. The Indian Chief gives a SMOKE SIGNAL to a TELEGRAPH OPERATOR. The telegraph operator sends a signal to the BEEFEATER GUARD. The Beefeater salutes with his pike to a SEXY TICKET COLLECTOR on a double-decker bus. The sexy ticket collector signals a TAXI DRIVER. The taxi driver nods back to the assassin as he drives by. INT. CITROEN The assassin gets the signal and starts the car. The whole nodding sequence was a circular waste of time. EXT. STREET - VARIOUS ANGLES Austin walks along. Suddenly, he sees the Citroen coming at him. He dives out of the way and takes off running. He rounds a corner and pretends to be a COUPLE MAKING OUT against a wall by hugging himself. The assassin sees him and slams on the brakes. He raises his gun. Austin turns as he hears a car HONK. It's Austin's BEETLE CONVERTIBLE. The mysterious woman steps out. We see her in her entirety for the first time, and what a sight it is. She has long auburn hair and wears a tight racing suit, unzipped just enough to show the female symbol medallion. She is FELICITY SHAGWELL. MUSIC: FELICITY'S THEME FELICITY Care for a ride? AUSTIN That's my Beetle, baby. FELICITY It was your Beetle. Get in. Austin dives in as the assassin FIRES. The car speeds off. INT. BEETLE (REAR PROJECTION) Felicity drives expertly. FELICITY Austin Powers, I presume? AUSTIN Powers by name, Powers by reputation. FELICITY Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Shagwell by name, Shag-very-Well by reputation. AUSTIN (turning to camera) Crazy, baby! EXT. ROAD The Beetle zips along, and then-- the Citroen appears behind it. The assassin FIRES. INT. BEETLE Felicity turns around to look. FELICITY Grab the wheel, would you? Austin grabs the wheel and Felicity pulls a gun. She turns and FIRES out the window. EXT. ROAD The assassin's tire BLOWS. The car skids towards a Cliff and he jumps out as it goes over. EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN The car goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it EXPLODES. EXT. CLIFF The assassin hangs on to a branch with one hand. He falls. ASSASSIN Ahhhhhhhh! EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN Same shot as the car: The assassin's body goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it, too, EXPLODES. FELICITY Well, Austin, I think this time you may have met your match. AUSTIN Oh, I've beaten Dr. Evil before, and I'll beat him again. FELICITY I was talking about me. She smiles, turns, and walks away. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD The room is dark, with only a single spotlight providing illumination. Suddenly, Austin and Felicity rise on an elevator into the middle of the spotlight. AUSTIN Welcome to my shag pad, baby. Light floods the pad, revealing hanging basket chairs, Hi- fi, and Warhol silk screens of Austin. Austin blows DUST off a table. AUSTIN Care for something to drink? Austin hits a button and a bookcase revolves to reveal a wetbar. AUSTIN Or perhaps something to read? Austin walks seductively over to the real wetbar and hits a button. It revolves to reveal a bookcase. AUSTIN How about a hot cup of coffee? FELICITY Yes, I rather fancy a grind. AUSTIN Oh, Behave! Austin hits a button and an automatic coffee-pourer pours a cup. MUSIC: Girl from Impenema by JOBIM AUSTIN Would you like a... mas-sage? A sensssual mas-sage? Austin hits a button and a series of actions take place: the floor opens up to reveal a sunken bed; red gels slide into place over the lamps; a painting slides back to reveal a reel-to-reel; an end table revolves to reveal a selection of massage oils. Felicity lies on her stomach. Austin begins to massage her. AUSTIN How does that feel, baby? FELICITY Mmm, lower. AUSTIN (lowering his voice) HOW DOES THAT FEEL, BABY? They laugh. Austin continues to massage her. FELICITY Wait, something's itching me. She reaches behind her and unties the strap of her evening dress, revealing her naked back. FELICITY That's better. AUSTIN Crikey!!! Austin GULPS and accidentally spurts way too much oil on her. AUSTIN Sorry. Austin continues the back rub and Felicity stretches out on the bed. AUSTIN (talking to his crotch) Hello, anyone home? C'mon lads, do it for England. Austin takes a peak-- nothing. He is panicked. FELICITY Oh, that was so relaxing. Felicity stretches very sexily. AUSTIN Would you 'like to see my etchings? FELICITY (sexy) I think I'm ready for bed. She moves close to Austin. He slides to the other side of the bed. AUSTIN I'll get you some PJs. FELICITY No, I'm ready for bed. She moves over to him. He avoids her. AUSTIN Oh, you'll want to clean your teeth then. Austin holds up toothpaste and toothbrush. Felicity finally grabs him and pins him to the bed. FELICITY No, I want to have sex with you, Austin. AUSTIN Hello Vicar! FELICITY I've studied everything about you- your methods, your accomplishments, your preferences. You're the reason I became a spy. Now, I've waited two years to meet you, so I say we get busy making up for lost time. Austin sits up. AUSTIN (reflective) Felicity, I used to think that way, too, but I guess... I guess I've changed. Not to make a short story long, or to ramble on and on, or to keep talking in a repetitive manner ad infinitum until it becomes impossible to remember what I was talking about in the first place, but- where was I? MUSIC: SAD INSTRUMENTAL AUSTIN Oh yes. Felicity, I can't shag you. I've lost my mojo. FELICITY (obviously disappointed) Oh. AUSTIN I thought coming back to the Sixties would bring it back, but it hasn't. FELICITY Austin, don't worry. I know just the man to help you. He's my guru. Ringo recommended him and he's the best. AUSTIN I'll warm up the Jumbo Jet, baby! EXT. AUSTIN'S PSYCHEDELIC JUMBO JET Austin's plane in flight. EXT. INDIA - STOCK FOOTAGE EXT./INT. BEETLE Austin and Felicity drive against obvious rear screen projection of India. INT. ASHRAM It looks like a mosque, with incense, tapestries, and DISCIPLES. Austin and Felicity enter. MUSIC: SITAR FELICITY There he is. That's my guru. We see the GURU PITKA (played by Mike), an Indian man in a bright red sari. FELICITY Guru, I'd like you to meet Austin Powers. AUSTIN How are you baby? GURU PITKA My chakras are aligned and I am in a perfect state of equipoise. AUSTIN Good on ya. I don't know what that means but it sounds fab. FELICITY Guru, we need some advice. GURU PITKA Hold your horses and any other beasts- of burden. I must lead my disciples in meditation and then I will help you. The Guru walks to the front of the room and the disciples sink to their knees. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA My name is the Guru Pitka. I am a spiritual teacher and I have combined many disparate disciplines into a unified movement of human potentiality and equipoise that I learned from my guru, the late Guru Shastri, a chaste man who died mysteriously of a disease that strangely had all the hallmarks of syphilis. He would say to me, Sparky, love is all, life is breath. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA Now, perhaps you are wondering where I got the nickname Sparky. Well, when we were young we used to play a game called "Stinkmop". We would urinate into a bucket, dip a mop into it, and play tag. I did not care for "Stinkmop" and a very wise old man said to me 'oh lighten up, Sparky', and I don't know, the name kind of stuck. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhhh... GURU PITKA Now, the reason I am a spiritualist instead of a therapist is that 'therapist' often becomes 'the rapist' and that will not help us attain potentiality. Now what is potentiality? It is the ability to achieve those goals that we wish to achieve for ourselves. People often say to me that they feel "nowhere", and I am going to change that to "Now here." The guru holds up a card which says "NOWHERE = NOW HERE!" DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh... GURU PITKA And you have many assumptions about your goals, but when you "assume" You make an "ass" out of "u" and "me". Guru holds up a card which says "ASSUME = ASS - U - ME." DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh.... GURU PITKA The being, or that which we call 'ourselves', is not the tinker. It is not the taughts. It is the Gap between the tinker and the taughts! We are not our mind, we are not our body, we are the Gap! Guru holds up a card that says "NOT TINKER, NOT TAUGHTS, BUT THE GAP" with the familiar Gap font. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA (rapid fire) The heart of the matter is that you are the heart of the matter. There is no "I" in "team". Beer before liquor, never sicker. Don't take a wooden nickel. If your pipe is short and your pump is weak, you better stand close or you'll piss on your feet. He who goes to bed with itchy bum wakes up with smelly finger. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA Finally, the path to spiritual awakening requires the death of ego. Leggo of my ego! Let us end with the mantra: Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. DISCIPLES (chanting) Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. The Guru takes a swig of Yoo-Hoo. GURU PITKA Go with God, and pay at the door please. The disciples file out. Austin and Felicity approach. GURU PITKA How can I help you? AUSTIN Guru, I'm having trouble performing. GURU PITKA What do you mean? AUSTIN You know- my bits and pieces are a bit sleepy. GURU PITKA I'm not understanding. AUSTIN I've forgotten the steps to the Mummy- Daddy dance. GURU PITKA Still not clear. AUSTIN My flag's at half mast and no one will salute it. GURU PITKA Sorry? AUSTIN My Willie don't work. GURU PITKA Why are you beating around the bush? AUSTIN That's my problem. GURU PITKA Ohhhhh, I get it. (beat) No, I don't get it. FELICITY He's impotent! AUSTIN Alright, easy. (to Guru) Felicity and I were all set for some hump Olympics and I couldn't bat for six. GURU PITKA Oh, yes, I see. AUSTIN You have no idea what I'm saying, do you? GURU PITKA Not a word. AUSTIN Guru, I've lost my mojo. GURU PITKA Oh, mojo! You should have said so. Well, you've lost your mojo because your chakras are misaligned. You have lost love. AUSTIN Lost love? Oh, you mean Vanessa? FELICITY Who's Vanessa? AUSTIN She was an evil robot minion of Dr. Evil. I couldn't have loved her. GURU PITKA Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, buddy. You will only get your mojo back when you surround yourself with love. AUSTIN Oh, I get what you're saying now! He's talking about free love, baby! Tune in, turn on, and drop out! GURU PITKA I am talking about true love. You must stay and study until you are worthy. AUSTIN No way, man. The only way to surround yourself with love is to throw a swinging shin-dig! Yeah, baby, yeah! INT. DR.EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR Dr. Evil and Frau are interrupted by the man we now know as FAT BASTARD. He is foul-mouthed, and when he swears he is bleeped. DR. EVIL Well done, Fat Bastard. May I have the mojo? FAT BASTARD First things first, where's your shitter? I've gotta bleepin, turtle head pokin' out. DR. EVIL (disgusted) Right. Charming. Fat Bastard- you don't mind me calling you Fat Bastard do you? FAT BASTARD I've got a lot of demons kickin' around in my noggin, but weight issues ain't one of them. DR. EVIL Alright, Fatty- FAT BASTARD The name is Fat Bastard! I'm the incorrect weight for my height and I was born out of wedlock, hence the moniker Fat Bastard. Hey, I'm not kiddin'. I've got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey. DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, the mojo? FAT BASTARD Where's my (bleeping) money? DR. EVIL A gentlemen never discusses money. FAT BASTARD Fine, you can take your (bleep)in' money and shove it up your (bleep), you stupid (bleeping) prick! While you're at it you can suck my greasy, two-toned (bleep)! DR. EVIL (pause) Vulgarity is no substitute for wit. FAT BASTARD (Bleep) you! DR. EVIL Right. Bring in the money. Dr. Evil PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIERS drive in a forklift loaded with gold bars. FAT BASTARD Alright, here it is. Fat Bastard slowly draws out the high-tech syringe full of MOJO. Dr. Evil is mesmerized. DR. EVIL Mini-Me, fetch. Mini-Me runs and snatches the mojo from Fat Bastard and gives it to Dr. Evil, who caresses it and places it on a SPECIALLY PREPARED PEDESTAL. NUMBER TWO enters. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I have some bad news. Austin Powers is back in the Sixties. One of our best assassins spotted him but he got away. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous, we have his mojo. NUMBER TWO There is another. Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Suddenly, Scott Evil enters through TIME PORTAL. DR. EVIL Scott, what are you doing here? SCOTT I don't know, I was sitting around watching the tube and The Courtship of Eddie's Father came on Nick at Nite, you know, and I was just listening to that theme song-- (hums/sings the theme) Anyway it made me think that maybe we could try and work things out. You know, you are my Dad and I need you. DR. EVIL You had your chance, Scott. I already have someone created in my image. He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins. (looking around) Has anyone seen Mini-Me? (calling out) Mini-Me! Mini-Mouse? Mini-Driver? Hello! Mini Pearl? Can we put a frickin' bell on him or something? Scott, very hurt, sits back in his chair and sulks. Dr. Evil hits a button and a model moon and a model earth descend. DR. EVIL Gentlemen, phase three. We place a giant laser on the moon. Let me demonstrate. (beat) Where's my laser? Dr. Evil looks around and sees Mini-Me gnawing on the model laser. Dr. Evil takes it from his mouth DR. EVIL Mini-Me, don't chew my laser. (to room) Not feeling well. He has an ear infection, but tit's OK. (pause) No? Nothing? (back to model) Anyway, the laser is powerful enough to destroy every city on the planet at will. We'll turn the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star". Scott SNICKERS. DR. EVIL What? SCOTT (snickering again) Nothing Darth. DR. EVIL What did you call me? SCOTT Nothing. (pretends to sneeze) Rip-off! DR. EVIL (unsure) Bless you? Anyways, since my "death star" laser was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist, Dr. Parsons. I thought we'd name it in his honor-- the Alan Parsons Project. Scott SNICKERS again. DR. EVIL What now? SCOTT The Alan Parsons Project was a progressive rock band from 1982. Why don't you just name it Operation Wang Chung, ass? DR. EVIL (indicating laser) When you get your own evil empire, you can call it whatever you want. Gentlemen, allow me to demonstrate the awesome lethality of the Alan Parsons Project. Fire the laser! INSERT SHOT: A giant laser beam smashes down through the roof of the White House, causing it to explode. Everyone is shocked by the laser's power. NUMBER TWO My God, Dr. Evil, you destroyed the Wihite House with no warning! DR. EVIL Actually, that was just footage from the 1996 blockbuster motion Picture Independence Day, but it would be a lot like that. What do you think, Scott? SCOTT Yeah, Codename: Thompson Twins was really impressive. DR. EVIL Shhhh! SCOTT I'm nineteen, I don't- DR. EVIL Shh! Shh-Shh. Shh-Shhhhhh-Shh. Shh- shh! It's Morse code. (reading imaginary paper) Let me decipher... it says 'shhhhh!' SCOTT You are so lame- DR. EVIL (like Electric Company) Ssssss...huuuuuh...Shhhhh! NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, what are we going to do about Powers? DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, in addition to being extremely rotund, you're a vicious killer. Take care of it. FAT BASTARD It'll be my pleasure. DR. EVIL It's an easy job. Without his mojo, Powers will be...powerless? INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT A party, packed with dancing freaks of every stripe, is in full swing. A girl dances in an oversized birdcage. AUSTIN This shag-in is gonna blow your mind, baby, yeah! The party sequence is shot like Laugh-In. Very fast cuts to the music. Austin sees a VERY PREGNANT WOMAN drinking a martini and smoking. He gently lifts her drink and cigarette away from her. PREGNANT WOMAN Hey! AUSTIN You'll thank me later, baby. Another angle. Austin and Felicity dancing. AUSTIN (noticing someone) Hey! Ricardo Monteblan, how are you? We see RICARDO MONTEBLAN -smoking a hukka on a round chair. RICARDO Hello, Austin! Balls, said the queen and the king laughed because he had too. AUSTIN (to camera) Crazy, man! FELICITY Let's split up and scope the scene. AUSTIN Don't do anything I wouldn't do- at least not without me. Felicity slaps Austin on the butt as he walks off. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: Austin at the bar with an exotic-looking mod chick. AUSTIN (to chick) You're very exotic, baby. Do you have a little English in you? CHICK No. AUSTIN Would you like to? CUT TO: An Alan Zeus-type very gay guy. ALAN ZEUS GUY (rolling his eyes) This is ridiculous! CUT TO: A LONDON COP and Felicity are on hanging chairs. LONDON COP Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz? FELICITY No, but I bet it really hurts. CUT TO: A GUY IN A RAINCOAT on a tricycle, shot undercranked, rides through the party and falls over. CUT TO: Austin pops into frame with a book that says "AUSTIN POWERS SEXY DICTIONARY". AUSTIN The Austin Powers Sexy Dictionary defines an Eskimo hooker as a frosty prosty. CUT TO: An eskimo at the bar in a fur parka. ESKIMO (to camera) I don't get it. CUT TO: The camera pans up Felicity's cool hip-huggers, which are very tight. AUSTIN Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants, baby? FELICITY Well you can start by buying me a drink. Austin does a spit take. CUT TO: Felicity with a VIKING. VIKING You were great last night. By the way, I'm Thor. FELICITY You're Thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly thit. CUT TO: Austin is wearing a silly spiked German helmet like in Hogan's Heroes. AUSTIN (German accent) Hello, I am Baron Von Firstinbed. Last night I had German-Chinese food. An hour later I was hungry- for power. CUT TO: ZEUS GUY Oh puh-leez, why don't you take a handful of F-off pills? CUT TO: AUSTIN Did you hear about the contortionist who was engaged to be married? FELICITY Yeah, I heard she broke it off. CUT TO: Film running backwards of Austin doing a spit take. CUT TO: ARTIE JOHNSON in German helmet behind a plant. ARTIE JOHNSON Verrrrry interesting- but shtupid! CUT TO: Austin takes his glasses off to clean them. We see his POV, which is totally fuzzy. He looks over and sees what appears to be a NUDE GIRL- two round globes and dark triangle. Austin puts his glasses on and looks again. It is actually a girl in a flesh-colored dress. In between her and Austin were two COMPLETELY BALD MEN and a triangular martini glass filled with a Cosmopolitan. CUT TO: Cut to Austin and Felicity together again. FELICITY Look at that. She points to where Fat Bastard and his companion are standing. AUSTIN That's not a pretty sight. Who is he? FELICITY Until recently he worked security for the MOD, but we think he might be a double agent, possibly for Dr. Evil. AUSTIN How do you know? FELICITY We've noticed that his lifestyle has changed dramatically. He's made a lot of cash purchases, he's hanging out with foxes half his age, and he's becomes quite a fixture on the London party circuit. AUSTIN Who's the girl? FELICITY I don't know, but it looks like he's splitting. Fat Bastard exits. FELICITY I'll follow him. You see what you can get out of the girl. We'll rendezvous later. Felicity follows Fat Bastard out the door. Austin makes his way over to the girl. AUSTIN Hello, hello. GIRL Hello, Mr. Powers. Fab party. AUSTIN Who are you today, baby? GIRL Robin. Robin Swallows. AUSTIN Swallows? That's an interesting name. Are you English? ROBIN SWALLOWS German, actually. My maiden name is Spitz. AUSTIN Well which is it, baby, Spitz or Swallows? Either way, it's a pleasure. ROBIN SWALLOWS The pleasure is mine. She extends her hand. Austin takes it and shakes. As he shakes, her cleavage undulates like jello. Austin is transfixed and keeps shaking far too long. AUSTIN Charmed, I'm sure. (still shaking, her breasts jiggle) How do you do? (still shaking, jiggling) Yes, quite. (shakes, jiggles) I always enjoy meeting new people. (shakes, jiggles) How's your mum? Good. (shakes, jiggles) I love shaking hands. Austin. is shaking her hand so vigorously that she is in danger of popping out of her dress. AUSTIN (snapping out of it) So, who was your friend? ROBIN SWALLOWS His name is Fat Bastard. AUSTIN It suits him. ROBIN SWALLOWS He's my lover. Austin is grossed out. AUSTIN OK. Would you happen to know if he's in business with a man named Mr. Evil? ROBIN SWALLOWS I don't know anyone named Dr. Evil. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Evil. Austin does a smug take. AUSTIN Something to drink? Would you like a Mister Pepper? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes, I'd love a Doctor Pepper. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Pepper. Austin does another smug take. Robin grabs Austin and pulls him close. ROBIN SWALLOWS You're a groovy boy, I'd like to strap you on sometime. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: ALAN ZEUS-TYPE GUY IN LIMBO ALAN ZEUS TYPE Meanwhile... BACK TO: EXT. FISH AND CHIPS STAND - NIGHT Literally a window in a wall. Fat Bastard is placing his order. FAT BASTARD ...and I'll have a fried-prawn sandwich, with extra mayonnaise, two whole chickens, a kidney pie, a toad in the hole, bubble and squeak, bangers and mash, 3 orders of fish and chips, and... a Fresca. No ice. We pan to see Felicity beside him. FELICITY I love a man with a large appetite. FAT BASTARD And I love a woman with big (bleeps), so let's shut up and get to (bleep)ing. Felicity swallows hard and forces a smile. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT AUSTIN Can I ask you a question? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes. AUSTIN Thank you. Beat. ROBIN SWALLOWS Well, what's the question? AUSTIN Oh, yes. Would you like to shag? Would you? ROBIN SWALLOWS I'd love to, Mr. Powers, just come right... over... here. Robin moves Austin into place as they dance. AUSTIN You're a bit of alright. Just then, Austin looks into her eyes and sees the REFLECTION OF AN ASSASSIN (Oedipus) about to throw a knife. Just as he throws it, Austin spins Robin Swallows around and USES HER AS A SHIELD. She takes the knife squarely in the back. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the revolver. Oedipus pulls out a pistol and begins FIRING. Austin continues to use Robin AS A SHIELD. She takes six hits. Oedipus runs out of bullets. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the machine gun. Oedipus pulls out a machine gun and FIRES. In a Robert Rodriquez- like flurry of events, Austin dodges while still USING HER AS

frozen

How many times the word 'frozen' appears in the text?

BASIL EXPOSITION Agent Haggerty was the test, Austin. Not only were you actually reading an article in that Playboy, but a candy-stripe nurse offering to give you a sponge bath didn't so much as turn your head. AUSTIN Wait, I can explain, man! I was going to shag her but the article was so fascinating-- BASIL EXPOSITION I'm sorry, Austin, I'm afraid it's true: you've lost your mojo. Basil shows Austin the mojometer, which reads EMPTY. AUSTIN (crushed) Without my mojo, I'm useless to the Ministry and to Her Majesty. I think it's time to retire. BASIL EXPOSITION I'm afraid that's not possible, Austin. You see, Dr. Evil has returned. AUSTIN Again? BASIL EXPOSITION Again. INT. MOD - TIME-TRAVEL ROOM Austin and Basil ride on the back of a golf cart through the largest room you've ever seen in your life. BASIL EXPOSITION We have evidence that Dr. Evil has developed a time machine. Basil shows Austin altered photos of Dr. Evil with famous villains, such as Sadam, Nixon, and Donald Trump. BASIL EXPOSITION Our researcher noticed that these photos from the archives have changed. That means Dr. Evil is traveling back in time and creating alliances with each decade's most despised villains. Austin tries to read them and gets queasy. AUSTIN I can't read in the car. I get a bit vomy. Austin burps and swallows it. AUSTIN Got it. I almost gipped. BASIL EXPOSITION (V.O.) Our data indicates that Dr. Evil is in the year 1969. Luckily, we also have a time travel device. After years of research we've developed a machine that will transport you back to the Sixties. A bright overhead light comes on spotlighting a brand new VOLKSWAGEN BEETLE CONVERTIBLE, painted up psychedelic by Peter Max. AUSTIN But Basil, isn't that the new Volkswagen Beetle? BASIL EXPOSITION That's what they'd like you to believe. AUSTIN So, Basil, if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967, I could go look at my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the 90's and traveled back to the Sixties? (goes cross-eyed) Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed. BASIL EXPOSITION (to camera) I suggest you don't worry about those things and just enjoy yourself. Austin gets into the car and turns it on. AUSTIN This is smashing Basil. I'll go back to the Sixties, recharge my mojo, defeat Dr. Evil and be back in time for tea. BASIL EXPOSITION Good luck, Austin. AUSTIN Luck has nothing to do with it, Basil. Austin steps on the gas. The car lurches in reverse and smashes some equipment. AUSTIN Sorry. (changing gears) Swinging Sixties, here I come, baby, yeah! The car takes off, heading for the wall. It DISAPPEARS, leaving flaming tread marks. FLASH CUT TO: EXT. STREET - LONDON - The Beetle time machine appears out of nowhere and screeches to a stop. A London HIPPIE smoking a hukka watches. He throws the hukka down. Austin hops out. AUSTIN I feel better already, man! Austin smiles and we see that his teeth are back to being TERRIBLE. He walks off as a crowd gathers around the car. EXT. PARK - LONDON Austin enters the park in high spirits. We PULL BACK to see that Austin is being watched through binoculars by a big ARYAN ASSASSIN. PULL BACK FURTHER to reveal a beautiful MYSTERIOUS WOMAN watching both of them. From this distance we can't tell who she is. A sign reads "BE-IN FOR PEACE". HIPPIES, MODS, and FREAKS of all descriptions dance to the music of a PSYCHEDELIC BAND. The band's name is on the drum kit: "MING TEA." AUSTIN Alright, baby, a swinging shin-dig! Austin gets into the dancing, quickly becoming the center of the scene. The lead singer of the band invites him on stage and hands him the microphone as the band starts a new song: "SEXUAL REVOLUTION." Austin begins singing and a choreographed musical number begins involving the outdoor crowd a la Bob Fosse's Sweet Charity or Hair. AUSTIN (singing) 'THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION, YOU CAN FEEL IT IN THE AIR. PEOPLE SHAGGING JUST LIKE WEASELS AND THEY JUST DON'T SEEM TO CARE. Hip-thrusting young MOD FREAKS Fosse-hump rhythmically. AUSTIN (singing) HEY, WATCH OUT SQUARES... YOU MAKES US BORED! THE PENIS IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD Austin does various groovy dance moves like THE ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOT and THE HEAVYWEIGHT. AUSTIN (singing) THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION AND YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET PEOPLE SHAGGING IN THE CLUBS AND INSIDE A JUMBO JET Forty Austins appear in a KALEIDOSCOPE EFFECT. AUSTIN (singing) HEY SQUARE WORLD THE END IS NIGH. WHEN WE SAY HUMP YOU SAY 'HOW HIGH?' Three GROOVY CHICKS behind Austin suddenly have tambourines for the big finale. The assassin and the mysterious woman are both in the audience, keeping an eye on Austin. All we see of the woman are shots of her BOOTS, CLOTHES, and a FEMALE SYMBOL MEDALLION. AUSTIN (singing) SO GO MAKE LOVE OR MASTURBATE-- SEXUAL FREEDOM WILL NEVER BE OUT OF DAAAAAAAAAAATE! Austin holds the note an improbably long time, arms outstretched. The dancers crouch-walk towards the camera. EVERYONE (chanting) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (shouting) IT'S THE SIXTIES! The SONG ENDS and all the dancers end up on one knee with their arms outstretched, panting. Austin breathes heavily and smiles smugly like Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance. We are TIGHT ON Austin's ass. PULL BACK to see that it is the MYSTERIOUS WOMAN who is watching Austin's ass. She SMILES behind the binoculars hiding her face. 37 EXT. CARNABY ST. Austin walks down the street looking at his new BEATLES ALBUM. Sitting in a parked Citroen watching him is the ASSASSIN. The Aryan assassin nods to a SHOE-SHINE on the street. The shoe-shine boy nods to a BUSINESS MAN in a Homburg. The business man nods to a BOBBY. The bobby nods to a WOMAN WITH A BABY CARRIAGE. The woman with a baby carriage nods to a MIME. The mime nods to a BLIND BEGGAR with a tin cup. The blind beggar nods to a CARPENTER on a roof. The carpenter FLASHES A LIGHT to an INDIAN CHIEF. The Indian Chief gives a SMOKE SIGNAL to a TELEGRAPH OPERATOR. The telegraph operator sends a signal to the BEEFEATER GUARD. The Beefeater salutes with his pike to a SEXY TICKET COLLECTOR on a double-decker bus. The sexy ticket collector signals a TAXI DRIVER. The taxi driver nods back to the assassin as he drives by. INT. CITROEN The assassin gets the signal and starts the car. The whole nodding sequence was a circular waste of time. EXT. STREET - VARIOUS ANGLES Austin walks along. Suddenly, he sees the Citroen coming at him. He dives out of the way and takes off running. He rounds a corner and pretends to be a COUPLE MAKING OUT against a wall by hugging himself. The assassin sees him and slams on the brakes. He raises his gun. Austin turns as he hears a car HONK. It's Austin's BEETLE CONVERTIBLE. The mysterious woman steps out. We see her in her entirety for the first time, and what a sight it is. She has long auburn hair and wears a tight racing suit, unzipped just enough to show the female symbol medallion. She is FELICITY SHAGWELL. MUSIC: FELICITY'S THEME FELICITY Care for a ride? AUSTIN That's my Beetle, baby. FELICITY It was your Beetle. Get in. Austin dives in as the assassin FIRES. The car speeds off. INT. BEETLE (REAR PROJECTION) Felicity drives expertly. FELICITY Austin Powers, I presume? AUSTIN Powers by name, Powers by reputation. FELICITY Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Shagwell by name, Shag-very-Well by reputation. AUSTIN (turning to camera) Crazy, baby! EXT. ROAD The Beetle zips along, and then-- the Citroen appears behind it. The assassin FIRES. INT. BEETLE Felicity turns around to look. FELICITY Grab the wheel, would you? Austin grabs the wheel and Felicity pulls a gun. She turns and FIRES out the window. EXT. ROAD The assassin's tire BLOWS. The car skids towards a Cliff and he jumps out as it goes over. EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN The car goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it EXPLODES. EXT. CLIFF The assassin hangs on to a branch with one hand. He falls. ASSASSIN Ahhhhhhhh! EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN Same shot as the car: The assassin's body goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it, too, EXPLODES. FELICITY Well, Austin, I think this time you may have met your match. AUSTIN Oh, I've beaten Dr. Evil before, and I'll beat him again. FELICITY I was talking about me. She smiles, turns, and walks away. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD The room is dark, with only a single spotlight providing illumination. Suddenly, Austin and Felicity rise on an elevator into the middle of the spotlight. AUSTIN Welcome to my shag pad, baby. Light floods the pad, revealing hanging basket chairs, Hi- fi, and Warhol silk screens of Austin. Austin blows DUST off a table. AUSTIN Care for something to drink? Austin hits a button and a bookcase revolves to reveal a wetbar. AUSTIN Or perhaps something to read? Austin walks seductively over to the real wetbar and hits a button. It revolves to reveal a bookcase. AUSTIN How about a hot cup of coffee? FELICITY Yes, I rather fancy a grind. AUSTIN Oh, Behave! Austin hits a button and an automatic coffee-pourer pours a cup. MUSIC: Girl from Impenema by JOBIM AUSTIN Would you like a... mas-sage? A sensssual mas-sage? Austin hits a button and a series of actions take place: the floor opens up to reveal a sunken bed; red gels slide into place over the lamps; a painting slides back to reveal a reel-to-reel; an end table revolves to reveal a selection of massage oils. Felicity lies on her stomach. Austin begins to massage her. AUSTIN How does that feel, baby? FELICITY Mmm, lower. AUSTIN (lowering his voice) HOW DOES THAT FEEL, BABY? They laugh. Austin continues to massage her. FELICITY Wait, something's itching me. She reaches behind her and unties the strap of her evening dress, revealing her naked back. FELICITY That's better. AUSTIN Crikey!!! Austin GULPS and accidentally spurts way too much oil on her. AUSTIN Sorry. Austin continues the back rub and Felicity stretches out on the bed. AUSTIN (talking to his crotch) Hello, anyone home? C'mon lads, do it for England. Austin takes a peak-- nothing. He is panicked. FELICITY Oh, that was so relaxing. Felicity stretches very sexily. AUSTIN Would you 'like to see my etchings? FELICITY (sexy) I think I'm ready for bed. She moves close to Austin. He slides to the other side of the bed. AUSTIN I'll get you some PJs. FELICITY No, I'm ready for bed. She moves over to him. He avoids her. AUSTIN Oh, you'll want to clean your teeth then. Austin holds up toothpaste and toothbrush. Felicity finally grabs him and pins him to the bed. FELICITY No, I want to have sex with you, Austin. AUSTIN Hello Vicar! FELICITY I've studied everything about you- your methods, your accomplishments, your preferences. You're the reason I became a spy. Now, I've waited two years to meet you, so I say we get busy making up for lost time. Austin sits up. AUSTIN (reflective) Felicity, I used to think that way, too, but I guess... I guess I've changed. Not to make a short story long, or to ramble on and on, or to keep talking in a repetitive manner ad infinitum until it becomes impossible to remember what I was talking about in the first place, but- where was I? MUSIC: SAD INSTRUMENTAL AUSTIN Oh yes. Felicity, I can't shag you. I've lost my mojo. FELICITY (obviously disappointed) Oh. AUSTIN I thought coming back to the Sixties would bring it back, but it hasn't. FELICITY Austin, don't worry. I know just the man to help you. He's my guru. Ringo recommended him and he's the best. AUSTIN I'll warm up the Jumbo Jet, baby! EXT. AUSTIN'S PSYCHEDELIC JUMBO JET Austin's plane in flight. EXT. INDIA - STOCK FOOTAGE EXT./INT. BEETLE Austin and Felicity drive against obvious rear screen projection of India. INT. ASHRAM It looks like a mosque, with incense, tapestries, and DISCIPLES. Austin and Felicity enter. MUSIC: SITAR FELICITY There he is. That's my guru. We see the GURU PITKA (played by Mike), an Indian man in a bright red sari. FELICITY Guru, I'd like you to meet Austin Powers. AUSTIN How are you baby? GURU PITKA My chakras are aligned and I am in a perfect state of equipoise. AUSTIN Good on ya. I don't know what that means but it sounds fab. FELICITY Guru, we need some advice. GURU PITKA Hold your horses and any other beasts- of burden. I must lead my disciples in meditation and then I will help you. The Guru walks to the front of the room and the disciples sink to their knees. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA My name is the Guru Pitka. I am a spiritual teacher and I have combined many disparate disciplines into a unified movement of human potentiality and equipoise that I learned from my guru, the late Guru Shastri, a chaste man who died mysteriously of a disease that strangely had all the hallmarks of syphilis. He would say to me, Sparky, love is all, life is breath. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA Now, perhaps you are wondering where I got the nickname Sparky. Well, when we were young we used to play a game called "Stinkmop". We would urinate into a bucket, dip a mop into it, and play tag. I did not care for "Stinkmop" and a very wise old man said to me 'oh lighten up, Sparky', and I don't know, the name kind of stuck. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhhh... GURU PITKA Now, the reason I am a spiritualist instead of a therapist is that 'therapist' often becomes 'the rapist' and that will not help us attain potentiality. Now what is potentiality? It is the ability to achieve those goals that we wish to achieve for ourselves. People often say to me that they feel "nowhere", and I am going to change that to "Now here." The guru holds up a card which says "NOWHERE = NOW HERE!" DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh... GURU PITKA And you have many assumptions about your goals, but when you "assume" You make an "ass" out of "u" and "me". Guru holds up a card which says "ASSUME = ASS - U - ME." DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh.... GURU PITKA The being, or that which we call 'ourselves', is not the tinker. It is not the taughts. It is the Gap between the tinker and the taughts! We are not our mind, we are not our body, we are the Gap! Guru holds up a card that says "NOT TINKER, NOT TAUGHTS, BUT THE GAP" with the familiar Gap font. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA (rapid fire) The heart of the matter is that you are the heart of the matter. There is no "I" in "team". Beer before liquor, never sicker. Don't take a wooden nickel. If your pipe is short and your pump is weak, you better stand close or you'll piss on your feet. He who goes to bed with itchy bum wakes up with smelly finger. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA Finally, the path to spiritual awakening requires the death of ego. Leggo of my ego! Let us end with the mantra: Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. DISCIPLES (chanting) Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. The Guru takes a swig of Yoo-Hoo. GURU PITKA Go with God, and pay at the door please. The disciples file out. Austin and Felicity approach. GURU PITKA How can I help you? AUSTIN Guru, I'm having trouble performing. GURU PITKA What do you mean? AUSTIN You know- my bits and pieces are a bit sleepy. GURU PITKA I'm not understanding. AUSTIN I've forgotten the steps to the Mummy- Daddy dance. GURU PITKA Still not clear. AUSTIN My flag's at half mast and no one will salute it. GURU PITKA Sorry? AUSTIN My Willie don't work. GURU PITKA Why are you beating around the bush? AUSTIN That's my problem. GURU PITKA Ohhhhh, I get it. (beat) No, I don't get it. FELICITY He's impotent! AUSTIN Alright, easy. (to Guru) Felicity and I were all set for some hump Olympics and I couldn't bat for six. GURU PITKA Oh, yes, I see. AUSTIN You have no idea what I'm saying, do you? GURU PITKA Not a word. AUSTIN Guru, I've lost my mojo. GURU PITKA Oh, mojo! You should have said so. Well, you've lost your mojo because your chakras are misaligned. You have lost love. AUSTIN Lost love? Oh, you mean Vanessa? FELICITY Who's Vanessa? AUSTIN She was an evil robot minion of Dr. Evil. I couldn't have loved her. GURU PITKA Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, buddy. You will only get your mojo back when you surround yourself with love. AUSTIN Oh, I get what you're saying now! He's talking about free love, baby! Tune in, turn on, and drop out! GURU PITKA I am talking about true love. You must stay and study until you are worthy. AUSTIN No way, man. The only way to surround yourself with love is to throw a swinging shin-dig! Yeah, baby, yeah! INT. DR.EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR Dr. Evil and Frau are interrupted by the man we now know as FAT BASTARD. He is foul-mouthed, and when he swears he is bleeped. DR. EVIL Well done, Fat Bastard. May I have the mojo? FAT BASTARD First things first, where's your shitter? I've gotta bleepin, turtle head pokin' out. DR. EVIL (disgusted) Right. Charming. Fat Bastard- you don't mind me calling you Fat Bastard do you? FAT BASTARD I've got a lot of demons kickin' around in my noggin, but weight issues ain't one of them. DR. EVIL Alright, Fatty- FAT BASTARD The name is Fat Bastard! I'm the incorrect weight for my height and I was born out of wedlock, hence the moniker Fat Bastard. Hey, I'm not kiddin'. I've got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey. DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, the mojo? FAT BASTARD Where's my (bleeping) money? DR. EVIL A gentlemen never discusses money. FAT BASTARD Fine, you can take your (bleep)in' money and shove it up your (bleep), you stupid (bleeping) prick! While you're at it you can suck my greasy, two-toned (bleep)! DR. EVIL (pause) Vulgarity is no substitute for wit. FAT BASTARD (Bleep) you! DR. EVIL Right. Bring in the money. Dr. Evil PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIERS drive in a forklift loaded with gold bars. FAT BASTARD Alright, here it is. Fat Bastard slowly draws out the high-tech syringe full of MOJO. Dr. Evil is mesmerized. DR. EVIL Mini-Me, fetch. Mini-Me runs and snatches the mojo from Fat Bastard and gives it to Dr. Evil, who caresses it and places it on a SPECIALLY PREPARED PEDESTAL. NUMBER TWO enters. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I have some bad news. Austin Powers is back in the Sixties. One of our best assassins spotted him but he got away. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous, we have his mojo. NUMBER TWO There is another. Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Suddenly, Scott Evil enters through TIME PORTAL. DR. EVIL Scott, what are you doing here? SCOTT I don't know, I was sitting around watching the tube and The Courtship of Eddie's Father came on Nick at Nite, you know, and I was just listening to that theme song-- (hums/sings the theme) Anyway it made me think that maybe we could try and work things out. You know, you are my Dad and I need you. DR. EVIL You had your chance, Scott. I already have someone created in my image. He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins. (looking around) Has anyone seen Mini-Me? (calling out) Mini-Me! Mini-Mouse? Mini-Driver? Hello! Mini Pearl? Can we put a frickin' bell on him or something? Scott, very hurt, sits back in his chair and sulks. Dr. Evil hits a button and a model moon and a model earth descend. DR. EVIL Gentlemen, phase three. We place a giant laser on the moon. Let me demonstrate. (beat) Where's my laser? Dr. Evil looks around and sees Mini-Me gnawing on the model laser. Dr. Evil takes it from his mouth DR. EVIL Mini-Me, don't chew my laser. (to room) Not feeling well. He has an ear infection, but tit's OK. (pause) No? Nothing? (back to model) Anyway, the laser is powerful enough to destroy every city on the planet at will. We'll turn the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star". Scott SNICKERS. DR. EVIL What? SCOTT (snickering again) Nothing Darth. DR. EVIL What did you call me? SCOTT Nothing. (pretends to sneeze) Rip-off! DR. EVIL (unsure) Bless you? Anyways, since my "death star" laser was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist, Dr. Parsons. I thought we'd name it in his honor-- the Alan Parsons Project. Scott SNICKERS again. DR. EVIL What now? SCOTT The Alan Parsons Project was a progressive rock band from 1982. Why don't you just name it Operation Wang Chung, ass? DR. EVIL (indicating laser) When you get your own evil empire, you can call it whatever you want. Gentlemen, allow me to demonstrate the awesome lethality of the Alan Parsons Project. Fire the laser! INSERT SHOT: A giant laser beam smashes down through the roof of the White House, causing it to explode. Everyone is shocked by the laser's power. NUMBER TWO My God, Dr. Evil, you destroyed the Wihite House with no warning! DR. EVIL Actually, that was just footage from the 1996 blockbuster motion Picture Independence Day, but it would be a lot like that. What do you think, Scott? SCOTT Yeah, Codename: Thompson Twins was really impressive. DR. EVIL Shhhh! SCOTT I'm nineteen, I don't- DR. EVIL Shh! Shh-Shh. Shh-Shhhhhh-Shh. Shh- shh! It's Morse code. (reading imaginary paper) Let me decipher... it says 'shhhhh!' SCOTT You are so lame- DR. EVIL (like Electric Company) Ssssss...huuuuuh...Shhhhh! NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, what are we going to do about Powers? DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, in addition to being extremely rotund, you're a vicious killer. Take care of it. FAT BASTARD It'll be my pleasure. DR. EVIL It's an easy job. Without his mojo, Powers will be...powerless? INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT A party, packed with dancing freaks of every stripe, is in full swing. A girl dances in an oversized birdcage. AUSTIN This shag-in is gonna blow your mind, baby, yeah! The party sequence is shot like Laugh-In. Very fast cuts to the music. Austin sees a VERY PREGNANT WOMAN drinking a martini and smoking. He gently lifts her drink and cigarette away from her. PREGNANT WOMAN Hey! AUSTIN You'll thank me later, baby. Another angle. Austin and Felicity dancing. AUSTIN (noticing someone) Hey! Ricardo Monteblan, how are you? We see RICARDO MONTEBLAN -smoking a hukka on a round chair. RICARDO Hello, Austin! Balls, said the queen and the king laughed because he had too. AUSTIN (to camera) Crazy, man! FELICITY Let's split up and scope the scene. AUSTIN Don't do anything I wouldn't do- at least not without me. Felicity slaps Austin on the butt as he walks off. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: Austin at the bar with an exotic-looking mod chick. AUSTIN (to chick) You're very exotic, baby. Do you have a little English in you? CHICK No. AUSTIN Would you like to? CUT TO: An Alan Zeus-type very gay guy. ALAN ZEUS GUY (rolling his eyes) This is ridiculous! CUT TO: A LONDON COP and Felicity are on hanging chairs. LONDON COP Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz? FELICITY No, but I bet it really hurts. CUT TO: A GUY IN A RAINCOAT on a tricycle, shot undercranked, rides through the party and falls over. CUT TO: Austin pops into frame with a book that says "AUSTIN POWERS SEXY DICTIONARY". AUSTIN The Austin Powers Sexy Dictionary defines an Eskimo hooker as a frosty prosty. CUT TO: An eskimo at the bar in a fur parka. ESKIMO (to camera) I don't get it. CUT TO: The camera pans up Felicity's cool hip-huggers, which are very tight. AUSTIN Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants, baby? FELICITY Well you can start by buying me a drink. Austin does a spit take. CUT TO: Felicity with a VIKING. VIKING You were great last night. By the way, I'm Thor. FELICITY You're Thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly thit. CUT TO: Austin is wearing a silly spiked German helmet like in Hogan's Heroes. AUSTIN (German accent) Hello, I am Baron Von Firstinbed. Last night I had German-Chinese food. An hour later I was hungry- for power. CUT TO: ZEUS GUY Oh puh-leez, why don't you take a handful of F-off pills? CUT TO: AUSTIN Did you hear about the contortionist who was engaged to be married? FELICITY Yeah, I heard she broke it off. CUT TO: Film running backwards of Austin doing a spit take. CUT TO: ARTIE JOHNSON in German helmet behind a plant. ARTIE JOHNSON Verrrrry interesting- but shtupid! CUT TO: Austin takes his glasses off to clean them. We see his POV, which is totally fuzzy. He looks over and sees what appears to be a NUDE GIRL- two round globes and dark triangle. Austin puts his glasses on and looks again. It is actually a girl in a flesh-colored dress. In between her and Austin were two COMPLETELY BALD MEN and a triangular martini glass filled with a Cosmopolitan. CUT TO: Cut to Austin and Felicity together again. FELICITY Look at that. She points to where Fat Bastard and his companion are standing. AUSTIN That's not a pretty sight. Who is he? FELICITY Until recently he worked security for the MOD, but we think he might be a double agent, possibly for Dr. Evil. AUSTIN How do you know? FELICITY We've noticed that his lifestyle has changed dramatically. He's made a lot of cash purchases, he's hanging out with foxes half his age, and he's becomes quite a fixture on the London party circuit. AUSTIN Who's the girl? FELICITY I don't know, but it looks like he's splitting. Fat Bastard exits. FELICITY I'll follow him. You see what you can get out of the girl. We'll rendezvous later. Felicity follows Fat Bastard out the door. Austin makes his way over to the girl. AUSTIN Hello, hello. GIRL Hello, Mr. Powers. Fab party. AUSTIN Who are you today, baby? GIRL Robin. Robin Swallows. AUSTIN Swallows? That's an interesting name. Are you English? ROBIN SWALLOWS German, actually. My maiden name is Spitz. AUSTIN Well which is it, baby, Spitz or Swallows? Either way, it's a pleasure. ROBIN SWALLOWS The pleasure is mine. She extends her hand. Austin takes it and shakes. As he shakes, her cleavage undulates like jello. Austin is transfixed and keeps shaking far too long. AUSTIN Charmed, I'm sure. (still shaking, her breasts jiggle) How do you do? (still shaking, jiggling) Yes, quite. (shakes, jiggles) I always enjoy meeting new people. (shakes, jiggles) How's your mum? Good. (shakes, jiggles) I love shaking hands. Austin. is shaking her hand so vigorously that she is in danger of popping out of her dress. AUSTIN (snapping out of it) So, who was your friend? ROBIN SWALLOWS His name is Fat Bastard. AUSTIN It suits him. ROBIN SWALLOWS He's my lover. Austin is grossed out. AUSTIN OK. Would you happen to know if he's in business with a man named Mr. Evil? ROBIN SWALLOWS I don't know anyone named Dr. Evil. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Evil. Austin does a smug take. AUSTIN Something to drink? Would you like a Mister Pepper? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes, I'd love a Doctor Pepper. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Pepper. Austin does another smug take. Robin grabs Austin and pulls him close. ROBIN SWALLOWS You're a groovy boy, I'd like to strap you on sometime. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: ALAN ZEUS-TYPE GUY IN LIMBO ALAN ZEUS TYPE Meanwhile... BACK TO: EXT. FISH AND CHIPS STAND - NIGHT Literally a window in a wall. Fat Bastard is placing his order. FAT BASTARD ...and I'll have a fried-prawn sandwich, with extra mayonnaise, two whole chickens, a kidney pie, a toad in the hole, bubble and squeak, bangers and mash, 3 orders of fish and chips, and... a Fresca. No ice. We pan to see Felicity beside him. FELICITY I love a man with a large appetite. FAT BASTARD And I love a woman with big (bleeps), so let's shut up and get to (bleep)ing. Felicity swallows hard and forces a smile. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT AUSTIN Can I ask you a question? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes. AUSTIN Thank you. Beat. ROBIN SWALLOWS Well, what's the question? AUSTIN Oh, yes. Would you like to shag? Would you? ROBIN SWALLOWS I'd love to, Mr. Powers, just come right... over... here. Robin moves Austin into place as they dance. AUSTIN You're a bit of alright. Just then, Austin looks into her eyes and sees the REFLECTION OF AN ASSASSIN (Oedipus) about to throw a knife. Just as he throws it, Austin spins Robin Swallows around and USES HER AS A SHIELD. She takes the knife squarely in the back. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the revolver. Oedipus pulls out a pistol and begins FIRING. Austin continues to use Robin AS A SHIELD. She takes six hits. Oedipus runs out of bullets. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the machine gun. Oedipus pulls out a machine gun and FIRES. In a Robert Rodriquez- like flurry of events, Austin dodges while still USING HER AS

revolves

How many times the word 'revolves' appears in the text?

BASIL EXPOSITION Agent Haggerty was the test, Austin. Not only were you actually reading an article in that Playboy, but a candy-stripe nurse offering to give you a sponge bath didn't so much as turn your head. AUSTIN Wait, I can explain, man! I was going to shag her but the article was so fascinating-- BASIL EXPOSITION I'm sorry, Austin, I'm afraid it's true: you've lost your mojo. Basil shows Austin the mojometer, which reads EMPTY. AUSTIN (crushed) Without my mojo, I'm useless to the Ministry and to Her Majesty. I think it's time to retire. BASIL EXPOSITION I'm afraid that's not possible, Austin. You see, Dr. Evil has returned. AUSTIN Again? BASIL EXPOSITION Again. INT. MOD - TIME-TRAVEL ROOM Austin and Basil ride on the back of a golf cart through the largest room you've ever seen in your life. BASIL EXPOSITION We have evidence that Dr. Evil has developed a time machine. Basil shows Austin altered photos of Dr. Evil with famous villains, such as Sadam, Nixon, and Donald Trump. BASIL EXPOSITION Our researcher noticed that these photos from the archives have changed. That means Dr. Evil is traveling back in time and creating alliances with each decade's most despised villains. Austin tries to read them and gets queasy. AUSTIN I can't read in the car. I get a bit vomy. Austin burps and swallows it. AUSTIN Got it. I almost gipped. BASIL EXPOSITION (V.O.) Our data indicates that Dr. Evil is in the year 1969. Luckily, we also have a time travel device. After years of research we've developed a machine that will transport you back to the Sixties. A bright overhead light comes on spotlighting a brand new VOLKSWAGEN BEETLE CONVERTIBLE, painted up psychedelic by Peter Max. AUSTIN But Basil, isn't that the new Volkswagen Beetle? BASIL EXPOSITION That's what they'd like you to believe. AUSTIN So, Basil, if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967, I could go look at my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the 90's and traveled back to the Sixties? (goes cross-eyed) Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed. BASIL EXPOSITION (to camera) I suggest you don't worry about those things and just enjoy yourself. Austin gets into the car and turns it on. AUSTIN This is smashing Basil. I'll go back to the Sixties, recharge my mojo, defeat Dr. Evil and be back in time for tea. BASIL EXPOSITION Good luck, Austin. AUSTIN Luck has nothing to do with it, Basil. Austin steps on the gas. The car lurches in reverse and smashes some equipment. AUSTIN Sorry. (changing gears) Swinging Sixties, here I come, baby, yeah! The car takes off, heading for the wall. It DISAPPEARS, leaving flaming tread marks. FLASH CUT TO: EXT. STREET - LONDON - The Beetle time machine appears out of nowhere and screeches to a stop. A London HIPPIE smoking a hukka watches. He throws the hukka down. Austin hops out. AUSTIN I feel better already, man! Austin smiles and we see that his teeth are back to being TERRIBLE. He walks off as a crowd gathers around the car. EXT. PARK - LONDON Austin enters the park in high spirits. We PULL BACK to see that Austin is being watched through binoculars by a big ARYAN ASSASSIN. PULL BACK FURTHER to reveal a beautiful MYSTERIOUS WOMAN watching both of them. From this distance we can't tell who she is. A sign reads "BE-IN FOR PEACE". HIPPIES, MODS, and FREAKS of all descriptions dance to the music of a PSYCHEDELIC BAND. The band's name is on the drum kit: "MING TEA." AUSTIN Alright, baby, a swinging shin-dig! Austin gets into the dancing, quickly becoming the center of the scene. The lead singer of the band invites him on stage and hands him the microphone as the band starts a new song: "SEXUAL REVOLUTION." Austin begins singing and a choreographed musical number begins involving the outdoor crowd a la Bob Fosse's Sweet Charity or Hair. AUSTIN (singing) 'THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION, YOU CAN FEEL IT IN THE AIR. PEOPLE SHAGGING JUST LIKE WEASELS AND THEY JUST DON'T SEEM TO CARE. Hip-thrusting young MOD FREAKS Fosse-hump rhythmically. AUSTIN (singing) HEY, WATCH OUT SQUARES... YOU MAKES US BORED! THE PENIS IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD Austin does various groovy dance moves like THE ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOT and THE HEAVYWEIGHT. AUSTIN (singing) THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION AND YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET PEOPLE SHAGGING IN THE CLUBS AND INSIDE A JUMBO JET Forty Austins appear in a KALEIDOSCOPE EFFECT. AUSTIN (singing) HEY SQUARE WORLD THE END IS NIGH. WHEN WE SAY HUMP YOU SAY 'HOW HIGH?' Three GROOVY CHICKS behind Austin suddenly have tambourines for the big finale. The assassin and the mysterious woman are both in the audience, keeping an eye on Austin. All we see of the woman are shots of her BOOTS, CLOTHES, and a FEMALE SYMBOL MEDALLION. AUSTIN (singing) SO GO MAKE LOVE OR MASTURBATE-- SEXUAL FREEDOM WILL NEVER BE OUT OF DAAAAAAAAAAATE! Austin holds the note an improbably long time, arms outstretched. The dancers crouch-walk towards the camera. EVERYONE (chanting) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (shouting) IT'S THE SIXTIES! The SONG ENDS and all the dancers end up on one knee with their arms outstretched, panting. Austin breathes heavily and smiles smugly like Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance. We are TIGHT ON Austin's ass. PULL BACK to see that it is the MYSTERIOUS WOMAN who is watching Austin's ass. She SMILES behind the binoculars hiding her face. 37 EXT. CARNABY ST. Austin walks down the street looking at his new BEATLES ALBUM. Sitting in a parked Citroen watching him is the ASSASSIN. The Aryan assassin nods to a SHOE-SHINE on the street. The shoe-shine boy nods to a BUSINESS MAN in a Homburg. The business man nods to a BOBBY. The bobby nods to a WOMAN WITH A BABY CARRIAGE. The woman with a baby carriage nods to a MIME. The mime nods to a BLIND BEGGAR with a tin cup. The blind beggar nods to a CARPENTER on a roof. The carpenter FLASHES A LIGHT to an INDIAN CHIEF. The Indian Chief gives a SMOKE SIGNAL to a TELEGRAPH OPERATOR. The telegraph operator sends a signal to the BEEFEATER GUARD. The Beefeater salutes with his pike to a SEXY TICKET COLLECTOR on a double-decker bus. The sexy ticket collector signals a TAXI DRIVER. The taxi driver nods back to the assassin as he drives by. INT. CITROEN The assassin gets the signal and starts the car. The whole nodding sequence was a circular waste of time. EXT. STREET - VARIOUS ANGLES Austin walks along. Suddenly, he sees the Citroen coming at him. He dives out of the way and takes off running. He rounds a corner and pretends to be a COUPLE MAKING OUT against a wall by hugging himself. The assassin sees him and slams on the brakes. He raises his gun. Austin turns as he hears a car HONK. It's Austin's BEETLE CONVERTIBLE. The mysterious woman steps out. We see her in her entirety for the first time, and what a sight it is. She has long auburn hair and wears a tight racing suit, unzipped just enough to show the female symbol medallion. She is FELICITY SHAGWELL. MUSIC: FELICITY'S THEME FELICITY Care for a ride? AUSTIN That's my Beetle, baby. FELICITY It was your Beetle. Get in. Austin dives in as the assassin FIRES. The car speeds off. INT. BEETLE (REAR PROJECTION) Felicity drives expertly. FELICITY Austin Powers, I presume? AUSTIN Powers by name, Powers by reputation. FELICITY Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Shagwell by name, Shag-very-Well by reputation. AUSTIN (turning to camera) Crazy, baby! EXT. ROAD The Beetle zips along, and then-- the Citroen appears behind it. The assassin FIRES. INT. BEETLE Felicity turns around to look. FELICITY Grab the wheel, would you? Austin grabs the wheel and Felicity pulls a gun. She turns and FIRES out the window. EXT. ROAD The assassin's tire BLOWS. The car skids towards a Cliff and he jumps out as it goes over. EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN The car goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it EXPLODES. EXT. CLIFF The assassin hangs on to a branch with one hand. He falls. ASSASSIN Ahhhhhhhh! EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN Same shot as the car: The assassin's body goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it, too, EXPLODES. FELICITY Well, Austin, I think this time you may have met your match. AUSTIN Oh, I've beaten Dr. Evil before, and I'll beat him again. FELICITY I was talking about me. She smiles, turns, and walks away. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD The room is dark, with only a single spotlight providing illumination. Suddenly, Austin and Felicity rise on an elevator into the middle of the spotlight. AUSTIN Welcome to my shag pad, baby. Light floods the pad, revealing hanging basket chairs, Hi- fi, and Warhol silk screens of Austin. Austin blows DUST off a table. AUSTIN Care for something to drink? Austin hits a button and a bookcase revolves to reveal a wetbar. AUSTIN Or perhaps something to read? Austin walks seductively over to the real wetbar and hits a button. It revolves to reveal a bookcase. AUSTIN How about a hot cup of coffee? FELICITY Yes, I rather fancy a grind. AUSTIN Oh, Behave! Austin hits a button and an automatic coffee-pourer pours a cup. MUSIC: Girl from Impenema by JOBIM AUSTIN Would you like a... mas-sage? A sensssual mas-sage? Austin hits a button and a series of actions take place: the floor opens up to reveal a sunken bed; red gels slide into place over the lamps; a painting slides back to reveal a reel-to-reel; an end table revolves to reveal a selection of massage oils. Felicity lies on her stomach. Austin begins to massage her. AUSTIN How does that feel, baby? FELICITY Mmm, lower. AUSTIN (lowering his voice) HOW DOES THAT FEEL, BABY? They laugh. Austin continues to massage her. FELICITY Wait, something's itching me. She reaches behind her and unties the strap of her evening dress, revealing her naked back. FELICITY That's better. AUSTIN Crikey!!! Austin GULPS and accidentally spurts way too much oil on her. AUSTIN Sorry. Austin continues the back rub and Felicity stretches out on the bed. AUSTIN (talking to his crotch) Hello, anyone home? C'mon lads, do it for England. Austin takes a peak-- nothing. He is panicked. FELICITY Oh, that was so relaxing. Felicity stretches very sexily. AUSTIN Would you 'like to see my etchings? FELICITY (sexy) I think I'm ready for bed. She moves close to Austin. He slides to the other side of the bed. AUSTIN I'll get you some PJs. FELICITY No, I'm ready for bed. She moves over to him. He avoids her. AUSTIN Oh, you'll want to clean your teeth then. Austin holds up toothpaste and toothbrush. Felicity finally grabs him and pins him to the bed. FELICITY No, I want to have sex with you, Austin. AUSTIN Hello Vicar! FELICITY I've studied everything about you- your methods, your accomplishments, your preferences. You're the reason I became a spy. Now, I've waited two years to meet you, so I say we get busy making up for lost time. Austin sits up. AUSTIN (reflective) Felicity, I used to think that way, too, but I guess... I guess I've changed. Not to make a short story long, or to ramble on and on, or to keep talking in a repetitive manner ad infinitum until it becomes impossible to remember what I was talking about in the first place, but- where was I? MUSIC: SAD INSTRUMENTAL AUSTIN Oh yes. Felicity, I can't shag you. I've lost my mojo. FELICITY (obviously disappointed) Oh. AUSTIN I thought coming back to the Sixties would bring it back, but it hasn't. FELICITY Austin, don't worry. I know just the man to help you. He's my guru. Ringo recommended him and he's the best. AUSTIN I'll warm up the Jumbo Jet, baby! EXT. AUSTIN'S PSYCHEDELIC JUMBO JET Austin's plane in flight. EXT. INDIA - STOCK FOOTAGE EXT./INT. BEETLE Austin and Felicity drive against obvious rear screen projection of India. INT. ASHRAM It looks like a mosque, with incense, tapestries, and DISCIPLES. Austin and Felicity enter. MUSIC: SITAR FELICITY There he is. That's my guru. We see the GURU PITKA (played by Mike), an Indian man in a bright red sari. FELICITY Guru, I'd like you to meet Austin Powers. AUSTIN How are you baby? GURU PITKA My chakras are aligned and I am in a perfect state of equipoise. AUSTIN Good on ya. I don't know what that means but it sounds fab. FELICITY Guru, we need some advice. GURU PITKA Hold your horses and any other beasts- of burden. I must lead my disciples in meditation and then I will help you. The Guru walks to the front of the room and the disciples sink to their knees. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA My name is the Guru Pitka. I am a spiritual teacher and I have combined many disparate disciplines into a unified movement of human potentiality and equipoise that I learned from my guru, the late Guru Shastri, a chaste man who died mysteriously of a disease that strangely had all the hallmarks of syphilis. He would say to me, Sparky, love is all, life is breath. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA Now, perhaps you are wondering where I got the nickname Sparky. Well, when we were young we used to play a game called "Stinkmop". We would urinate into a bucket, dip a mop into it, and play tag. I did not care for "Stinkmop" and a very wise old man said to me 'oh lighten up, Sparky', and I don't know, the name kind of stuck. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhhh... GURU PITKA Now, the reason I am a spiritualist instead of a therapist is that 'therapist' often becomes 'the rapist' and that will not help us attain potentiality. Now what is potentiality? It is the ability to achieve those goals that we wish to achieve for ourselves. People often say to me that they feel "nowhere", and I am going to change that to "Now here." The guru holds up a card which says "NOWHERE = NOW HERE!" DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh... GURU PITKA And you have many assumptions about your goals, but when you "assume" You make an "ass" out of "u" and "me". Guru holds up a card which says "ASSUME = ASS - U - ME." DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh.... GURU PITKA The being, or that which we call 'ourselves', is not the tinker. It is not the taughts. It is the Gap between the tinker and the taughts! We are not our mind, we are not our body, we are the Gap! Guru holds up a card that says "NOT TINKER, NOT TAUGHTS, BUT THE GAP" with the familiar Gap font. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA (rapid fire) The heart of the matter is that you are the heart of the matter. There is no "I" in "team". Beer before liquor, never sicker. Don't take a wooden nickel. If your pipe is short and your pump is weak, you better stand close or you'll piss on your feet. He who goes to bed with itchy bum wakes up with smelly finger. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA Finally, the path to spiritual awakening requires the death of ego. Leggo of my ego! Let us end with the mantra: Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. DISCIPLES (chanting) Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. The Guru takes a swig of Yoo-Hoo. GURU PITKA Go with God, and pay at the door please. The disciples file out. Austin and Felicity approach. GURU PITKA How can I help you? AUSTIN Guru, I'm having trouble performing. GURU PITKA What do you mean? AUSTIN You know- my bits and pieces are a bit sleepy. GURU PITKA I'm not understanding. AUSTIN I've forgotten the steps to the Mummy- Daddy dance. GURU PITKA Still not clear. AUSTIN My flag's at half mast and no one will salute it. GURU PITKA Sorry? AUSTIN My Willie don't work. GURU PITKA Why are you beating around the bush? AUSTIN That's my problem. GURU PITKA Ohhhhh, I get it. (beat) No, I don't get it. FELICITY He's impotent! AUSTIN Alright, easy. (to Guru) Felicity and I were all set for some hump Olympics and I couldn't bat for six. GURU PITKA Oh, yes, I see. AUSTIN You have no idea what I'm saying, do you? GURU PITKA Not a word. AUSTIN Guru, I've lost my mojo. GURU PITKA Oh, mojo! You should have said so. Well, you've lost your mojo because your chakras are misaligned. You have lost love. AUSTIN Lost love? Oh, you mean Vanessa? FELICITY Who's Vanessa? AUSTIN She was an evil robot minion of Dr. Evil. I couldn't have loved her. GURU PITKA Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, buddy. You will only get your mojo back when you surround yourself with love. AUSTIN Oh, I get what you're saying now! He's talking about free love, baby! Tune in, turn on, and drop out! GURU PITKA I am talking about true love. You must stay and study until you are worthy. AUSTIN No way, man. The only way to surround yourself with love is to throw a swinging shin-dig! Yeah, baby, yeah! INT. DR.EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR Dr. Evil and Frau are interrupted by the man we now know as FAT BASTARD. He is foul-mouthed, and when he swears he is bleeped. DR. EVIL Well done, Fat Bastard. May I have the mojo? FAT BASTARD First things first, where's your shitter? I've gotta bleepin, turtle head pokin' out. DR. EVIL (disgusted) Right. Charming. Fat Bastard- you don't mind me calling you Fat Bastard do you? FAT BASTARD I've got a lot of demons kickin' around in my noggin, but weight issues ain't one of them. DR. EVIL Alright, Fatty- FAT BASTARD The name is Fat Bastard! I'm the incorrect weight for my height and I was born out of wedlock, hence the moniker Fat Bastard. Hey, I'm not kiddin'. I've got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey. DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, the mojo? FAT BASTARD Where's my (bleeping) money? DR. EVIL A gentlemen never discusses money. FAT BASTARD Fine, you can take your (bleep)in' money and shove it up your (bleep), you stupid (bleeping) prick! While you're at it you can suck my greasy, two-toned (bleep)! DR. EVIL (pause) Vulgarity is no substitute for wit. FAT BASTARD (Bleep) you! DR. EVIL Right. Bring in the money. Dr. Evil PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIERS drive in a forklift loaded with gold bars. FAT BASTARD Alright, here it is. Fat Bastard slowly draws out the high-tech syringe full of MOJO. Dr. Evil is mesmerized. DR. EVIL Mini-Me, fetch. Mini-Me runs and snatches the mojo from Fat Bastard and gives it to Dr. Evil, who caresses it and places it on a SPECIALLY PREPARED PEDESTAL. NUMBER TWO enters. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I have some bad news. Austin Powers is back in the Sixties. One of our best assassins spotted him but he got away. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous, we have his mojo. NUMBER TWO There is another. Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Suddenly, Scott Evil enters through TIME PORTAL. DR. EVIL Scott, what are you doing here? SCOTT I don't know, I was sitting around watching the tube and The Courtship of Eddie's Father came on Nick at Nite, you know, and I was just listening to that theme song-- (hums/sings the theme) Anyway it made me think that maybe we could try and work things out. You know, you are my Dad and I need you. DR. EVIL You had your chance, Scott. I already have someone created in my image. He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins. (looking around) Has anyone seen Mini-Me? (calling out) Mini-Me! Mini-Mouse? Mini-Driver? Hello! Mini Pearl? Can we put a frickin' bell on him or something? Scott, very hurt, sits back in his chair and sulks. Dr. Evil hits a button and a model moon and a model earth descend. DR. EVIL Gentlemen, phase three. We place a giant laser on the moon. Let me demonstrate. (beat) Where's my laser? Dr. Evil looks around and sees Mini-Me gnawing on the model laser. Dr. Evil takes it from his mouth DR. EVIL Mini-Me, don't chew my laser. (to room) Not feeling well. He has an ear infection, but tit's OK. (pause) No? Nothing? (back to model) Anyway, the laser is powerful enough to destroy every city on the planet at will. We'll turn the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star". Scott SNICKERS. DR. EVIL What? SCOTT (snickering again) Nothing Darth. DR. EVIL What did you call me? SCOTT Nothing. (pretends to sneeze) Rip-off! DR. EVIL (unsure) Bless you? Anyways, since my "death star" laser was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist, Dr. Parsons. I thought we'd name it in his honor-- the Alan Parsons Project. Scott SNICKERS again. DR. EVIL What now? SCOTT The Alan Parsons Project was a progressive rock band from 1982. Why don't you just name it Operation Wang Chung, ass? DR. EVIL (indicating laser) When you get your own evil empire, you can call it whatever you want. Gentlemen, allow me to demonstrate the awesome lethality of the Alan Parsons Project. Fire the laser! INSERT SHOT: A giant laser beam smashes down through the roof of the White House, causing it to explode. Everyone is shocked by the laser's power. NUMBER TWO My God, Dr. Evil, you destroyed the Wihite House with no warning! DR. EVIL Actually, that was just footage from the 1996 blockbuster motion Picture Independence Day, but it would be a lot like that. What do you think, Scott? SCOTT Yeah, Codename: Thompson Twins was really impressive. DR. EVIL Shhhh! SCOTT I'm nineteen, I don't- DR. EVIL Shh! Shh-Shh. Shh-Shhhhhh-Shh. Shh- shh! It's Morse code. (reading imaginary paper) Let me decipher... it says 'shhhhh!' SCOTT You are so lame- DR. EVIL (like Electric Company) Ssssss...huuuuuh...Shhhhh! NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, what are we going to do about Powers? DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, in addition to being extremely rotund, you're a vicious killer. Take care of it. FAT BASTARD It'll be my pleasure. DR. EVIL It's an easy job. Without his mojo, Powers will be...powerless? INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT A party, packed with dancing freaks of every stripe, is in full swing. A girl dances in an oversized birdcage. AUSTIN This shag-in is gonna blow your mind, baby, yeah! The party sequence is shot like Laugh-In. Very fast cuts to the music. Austin sees a VERY PREGNANT WOMAN drinking a martini and smoking. He gently lifts her drink and cigarette away from her. PREGNANT WOMAN Hey! AUSTIN You'll thank me later, baby. Another angle. Austin and Felicity dancing. AUSTIN (noticing someone) Hey! Ricardo Monteblan, how are you? We see RICARDO MONTEBLAN -smoking a hukka on a round chair. RICARDO Hello, Austin! Balls, said the queen and the king laughed because he had too. AUSTIN (to camera) Crazy, man! FELICITY Let's split up and scope the scene. AUSTIN Don't do anything I wouldn't do- at least not without me. Felicity slaps Austin on the butt as he walks off. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: Austin at the bar with an exotic-looking mod chick. AUSTIN (to chick) You're very exotic, baby. Do you have a little English in you? CHICK No. AUSTIN Would you like to? CUT TO: An Alan Zeus-type very gay guy. ALAN ZEUS GUY (rolling his eyes) This is ridiculous! CUT TO: A LONDON COP and Felicity are on hanging chairs. LONDON COP Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz? FELICITY No, but I bet it really hurts. CUT TO: A GUY IN A RAINCOAT on a tricycle, shot undercranked, rides through the party and falls over. CUT TO: Austin pops into frame with a book that says "AUSTIN POWERS SEXY DICTIONARY". AUSTIN The Austin Powers Sexy Dictionary defines an Eskimo hooker as a frosty prosty. CUT TO: An eskimo at the bar in a fur parka. ESKIMO (to camera) I don't get it. CUT TO: The camera pans up Felicity's cool hip-huggers, which are very tight. AUSTIN Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants, baby? FELICITY Well you can start by buying me a drink. Austin does a spit take. CUT TO: Felicity with a VIKING. VIKING You were great last night. By the way, I'm Thor. FELICITY You're Thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly thit. CUT TO: Austin is wearing a silly spiked German helmet like in Hogan's Heroes. AUSTIN (German accent) Hello, I am Baron Von Firstinbed. Last night I had German-Chinese food. An hour later I was hungry- for power. CUT TO: ZEUS GUY Oh puh-leez, why don't you take a handful of F-off pills? CUT TO: AUSTIN Did you hear about the contortionist who was engaged to be married? FELICITY Yeah, I heard she broke it off. CUT TO: Film running backwards of Austin doing a spit take. CUT TO: ARTIE JOHNSON in German helmet behind a plant. ARTIE JOHNSON Verrrrry interesting- but shtupid! CUT TO: Austin takes his glasses off to clean them. We see his POV, which is totally fuzzy. He looks over and sees what appears to be a NUDE GIRL- two round globes and dark triangle. Austin puts his glasses on and looks again. It is actually a girl in a flesh-colored dress. In between her and Austin were two COMPLETELY BALD MEN and a triangular martini glass filled with a Cosmopolitan. CUT TO: Cut to Austin and Felicity together again. FELICITY Look at that. She points to where Fat Bastard and his companion are standing. AUSTIN That's not a pretty sight. Who is he? FELICITY Until recently he worked security for the MOD, but we think he might be a double agent, possibly for Dr. Evil. AUSTIN How do you know? FELICITY We've noticed that his lifestyle has changed dramatically. He's made a lot of cash purchases, he's hanging out with foxes half his age, and he's becomes quite a fixture on the London party circuit. AUSTIN Who's the girl? FELICITY I don't know, but it looks like he's splitting. Fat Bastard exits. FELICITY I'll follow him. You see what you can get out of the girl. We'll rendezvous later. Felicity follows Fat Bastard out the door. Austin makes his way over to the girl. AUSTIN Hello, hello. GIRL Hello, Mr. Powers. Fab party. AUSTIN Who are you today, baby? GIRL Robin. Robin Swallows. AUSTIN Swallows? That's an interesting name. Are you English? ROBIN SWALLOWS German, actually. My maiden name is Spitz. AUSTIN Well which is it, baby, Spitz or Swallows? Either way, it's a pleasure. ROBIN SWALLOWS The pleasure is mine. She extends her hand. Austin takes it and shakes. As he shakes, her cleavage undulates like jello. Austin is transfixed and keeps shaking far too long. AUSTIN Charmed, I'm sure. (still shaking, her breasts jiggle) How do you do? (still shaking, jiggling) Yes, quite. (shakes, jiggles) I always enjoy meeting new people. (shakes, jiggles) How's your mum? Good. (shakes, jiggles) I love shaking hands. Austin. is shaking her hand so vigorously that she is in danger of popping out of her dress. AUSTIN (snapping out of it) So, who was your friend? ROBIN SWALLOWS His name is Fat Bastard. AUSTIN It suits him. ROBIN SWALLOWS He's my lover. Austin is grossed out. AUSTIN OK. Would you happen to know if he's in business with a man named Mr. Evil? ROBIN SWALLOWS I don't know anyone named Dr. Evil. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Evil. Austin does a smug take. AUSTIN Something to drink? Would you like a Mister Pepper? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes, I'd love a Doctor Pepper. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Pepper. Austin does another smug take. Robin grabs Austin and pulls him close. ROBIN SWALLOWS You're a groovy boy, I'd like to strap you on sometime. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: ALAN ZEUS-TYPE GUY IN LIMBO ALAN ZEUS TYPE Meanwhile... BACK TO: EXT. FISH AND CHIPS STAND - NIGHT Literally a window in a wall. Fat Bastard is placing his order. FAT BASTARD ...and I'll have a fried-prawn sandwich, with extra mayonnaise, two whole chickens, a kidney pie, a toad in the hole, bubble and squeak, bangers and mash, 3 orders of fish and chips, and... a Fresca. No ice. We pan to see Felicity beside him. FELICITY I love a man with a large appetite. FAT BASTARD And I love a woman with big (bleeps), so let's shut up and get to (bleep)ing. Felicity swallows hard and forces a smile. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT AUSTIN Can I ask you a question? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes. AUSTIN Thank you. Beat. ROBIN SWALLOWS Well, what's the question? AUSTIN Oh, yes. Would you like to shag? Would you? ROBIN SWALLOWS I'd love to, Mr. Powers, just come right... over... here. Robin moves Austin into place as they dance. AUSTIN You're a bit of alright. Just then, Austin looks into her eyes and sees the REFLECTION OF AN ASSASSIN (Oedipus) about to throw a knife. Just as he throws it, Austin spins Robin Swallows around and USES HER AS A SHIELD. She takes the knife squarely in the back. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the revolver. Oedipus pulls out a pistol and begins FIRING. Austin continues to use Robin AS A SHIELD. She takes six hits. Oedipus runs out of bullets. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the machine gun. Oedipus pulls out a machine gun and FIRES. In a Robert Rodriquez- like flurry of events, Austin dodges while still USING HER AS

new

How many times the word 'new' appears in the text?

BASIL EXPOSITION Agent Haggerty was the test, Austin. Not only were you actually reading an article in that Playboy, but a candy-stripe nurse offering to give you a sponge bath didn't so much as turn your head. AUSTIN Wait, I can explain, man! I was going to shag her but the article was so fascinating-- BASIL EXPOSITION I'm sorry, Austin, I'm afraid it's true: you've lost your mojo. Basil shows Austin the mojometer, which reads EMPTY. AUSTIN (crushed) Without my mojo, I'm useless to the Ministry and to Her Majesty. I think it's time to retire. BASIL EXPOSITION I'm afraid that's not possible, Austin. You see, Dr. Evil has returned. AUSTIN Again? BASIL EXPOSITION Again. INT. MOD - TIME-TRAVEL ROOM Austin and Basil ride on the back of a golf cart through the largest room you've ever seen in your life. BASIL EXPOSITION We have evidence that Dr. Evil has developed a time machine. Basil shows Austin altered photos of Dr. Evil with famous villains, such as Sadam, Nixon, and Donald Trump. BASIL EXPOSITION Our researcher noticed that these photos from the archives have changed. That means Dr. Evil is traveling back in time and creating alliances with each decade's most despised villains. Austin tries to read them and gets queasy. AUSTIN I can't read in the car. I get a bit vomy. Austin burps and swallows it. AUSTIN Got it. I almost gipped. BASIL EXPOSITION (V.O.) Our data indicates that Dr. Evil is in the year 1969. Luckily, we also have a time travel device. After years of research we've developed a machine that will transport you back to the Sixties. A bright overhead light comes on spotlighting a brand new VOLKSWAGEN BEETLE CONVERTIBLE, painted up psychedelic by Peter Max. AUSTIN But Basil, isn't that the new Volkswagen Beetle? BASIL EXPOSITION That's what they'd like you to believe. AUSTIN So, Basil, if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967, I could go look at my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the 90's and traveled back to the Sixties? (goes cross-eyed) Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed. BASIL EXPOSITION (to camera) I suggest you don't worry about those things and just enjoy yourself. Austin gets into the car and turns it on. AUSTIN This is smashing Basil. I'll go back to the Sixties, recharge my mojo, defeat Dr. Evil and be back in time for tea. BASIL EXPOSITION Good luck, Austin. AUSTIN Luck has nothing to do with it, Basil. Austin steps on the gas. The car lurches in reverse and smashes some equipment. AUSTIN Sorry. (changing gears) Swinging Sixties, here I come, baby, yeah! The car takes off, heading for the wall. It DISAPPEARS, leaving flaming tread marks. FLASH CUT TO: EXT. STREET - LONDON - The Beetle time machine appears out of nowhere and screeches to a stop. A London HIPPIE smoking a hukka watches. He throws the hukka down. Austin hops out. AUSTIN I feel better already, man! Austin smiles and we see that his teeth are back to being TERRIBLE. He walks off as a crowd gathers around the car. EXT. PARK - LONDON Austin enters the park in high spirits. We PULL BACK to see that Austin is being watched through binoculars by a big ARYAN ASSASSIN. PULL BACK FURTHER to reveal a beautiful MYSTERIOUS WOMAN watching both of them. From this distance we can't tell who she is. A sign reads "BE-IN FOR PEACE". HIPPIES, MODS, and FREAKS of all descriptions dance to the music of a PSYCHEDELIC BAND. The band's name is on the drum kit: "MING TEA." AUSTIN Alright, baby, a swinging shin-dig! Austin gets into the dancing, quickly becoming the center of the scene. The lead singer of the band invites him on stage and hands him the microphone as the band starts a new song: "SEXUAL REVOLUTION." Austin begins singing and a choreographed musical number begins involving the outdoor crowd a la Bob Fosse's Sweet Charity or Hair. AUSTIN (singing) 'THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION, YOU CAN FEEL IT IN THE AIR. PEOPLE SHAGGING JUST LIKE WEASELS AND THEY JUST DON'T SEEM TO CARE. Hip-thrusting young MOD FREAKS Fosse-hump rhythmically. AUSTIN (singing) HEY, WATCH OUT SQUARES... YOU MAKES US BORED! THE PENIS IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD Austin does various groovy dance moves like THE ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOT and THE HEAVYWEIGHT. AUSTIN (singing) THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION AND YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET PEOPLE SHAGGING IN THE CLUBS AND INSIDE A JUMBO JET Forty Austins appear in a KALEIDOSCOPE EFFECT. AUSTIN (singing) HEY SQUARE WORLD THE END IS NIGH. WHEN WE SAY HUMP YOU SAY 'HOW HIGH?' Three GROOVY CHICKS behind Austin suddenly have tambourines for the big finale. The assassin and the mysterious woman are both in the audience, keeping an eye on Austin. All we see of the woman are shots of her BOOTS, CLOTHES, and a FEMALE SYMBOL MEDALLION. AUSTIN (singing) SO GO MAKE LOVE OR MASTURBATE-- SEXUAL FREEDOM WILL NEVER BE OUT OF DAAAAAAAAAAATE! Austin holds the note an improbably long time, arms outstretched. The dancers crouch-walk towards the camera. EVERYONE (chanting) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (shouting) IT'S THE SIXTIES! The SONG ENDS and all the dancers end up on one knee with their arms outstretched, panting. Austin breathes heavily and smiles smugly like Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance. We are TIGHT ON Austin's ass. PULL BACK to see that it is the MYSTERIOUS WOMAN who is watching Austin's ass. She SMILES behind the binoculars hiding her face. 37 EXT. CARNABY ST. Austin walks down the street looking at his new BEATLES ALBUM. Sitting in a parked Citroen watching him is the ASSASSIN. The Aryan assassin nods to a SHOE-SHINE on the street. The shoe-shine boy nods to a BUSINESS MAN in a Homburg. The business man nods to a BOBBY. The bobby nods to a WOMAN WITH A BABY CARRIAGE. The woman with a baby carriage nods to a MIME. The mime nods to a BLIND BEGGAR with a tin cup. The blind beggar nods to a CARPENTER on a roof. The carpenter FLASHES A LIGHT to an INDIAN CHIEF. The Indian Chief gives a SMOKE SIGNAL to a TELEGRAPH OPERATOR. The telegraph operator sends a signal to the BEEFEATER GUARD. The Beefeater salutes with his pike to a SEXY TICKET COLLECTOR on a double-decker bus. The sexy ticket collector signals a TAXI DRIVER. The taxi driver nods back to the assassin as he drives by. INT. CITROEN The assassin gets the signal and starts the car. The whole nodding sequence was a circular waste of time. EXT. STREET - VARIOUS ANGLES Austin walks along. Suddenly, he sees the Citroen coming at him. He dives out of the way and takes off running. He rounds a corner and pretends to be a COUPLE MAKING OUT against a wall by hugging himself. The assassin sees him and slams on the brakes. He raises his gun. Austin turns as he hears a car HONK. It's Austin's BEETLE CONVERTIBLE. The mysterious woman steps out. We see her in her entirety for the first time, and what a sight it is. She has long auburn hair and wears a tight racing suit, unzipped just enough to show the female symbol medallion. She is FELICITY SHAGWELL. MUSIC: FELICITY'S THEME FELICITY Care for a ride? AUSTIN That's my Beetle, baby. FELICITY It was your Beetle. Get in. Austin dives in as the assassin FIRES. The car speeds off. INT. BEETLE (REAR PROJECTION) Felicity drives expertly. FELICITY Austin Powers, I presume? AUSTIN Powers by name, Powers by reputation. FELICITY Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Shagwell by name, Shag-very-Well by reputation. AUSTIN (turning to camera) Crazy, baby! EXT. ROAD The Beetle zips along, and then-- the Citroen appears behind it. The assassin FIRES. INT. BEETLE Felicity turns around to look. FELICITY Grab the wheel, would you? Austin grabs the wheel and Felicity pulls a gun. She turns and FIRES out the window. EXT. ROAD The assassin's tire BLOWS. The car skids towards a Cliff and he jumps out as it goes over. EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN The car goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it EXPLODES. EXT. CLIFF The assassin hangs on to a branch with one hand. He falls. ASSASSIN Ahhhhhhhh! EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN Same shot as the car: The assassin's body goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it, too, EXPLODES. FELICITY Well, Austin, I think this time you may have met your match. AUSTIN Oh, I've beaten Dr. Evil before, and I'll beat him again. FELICITY I was talking about me. She smiles, turns, and walks away. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD The room is dark, with only a single spotlight providing illumination. Suddenly, Austin and Felicity rise on an elevator into the middle of the spotlight. AUSTIN Welcome to my shag pad, baby. Light floods the pad, revealing hanging basket chairs, Hi- fi, and Warhol silk screens of Austin. Austin blows DUST off a table. AUSTIN Care for something to drink? Austin hits a button and a bookcase revolves to reveal a wetbar. AUSTIN Or perhaps something to read? Austin walks seductively over to the real wetbar and hits a button. It revolves to reveal a bookcase. AUSTIN How about a hot cup of coffee? FELICITY Yes, I rather fancy a grind. AUSTIN Oh, Behave! Austin hits a button and an automatic coffee-pourer pours a cup. MUSIC: Girl from Impenema by JOBIM AUSTIN Would you like a... mas-sage? A sensssual mas-sage? Austin hits a button and a series of actions take place: the floor opens up to reveal a sunken bed; red gels slide into place over the lamps; a painting slides back to reveal a reel-to-reel; an end table revolves to reveal a selection of massage oils. Felicity lies on her stomach. Austin begins to massage her. AUSTIN How does that feel, baby? FELICITY Mmm, lower. AUSTIN (lowering his voice) HOW DOES THAT FEEL, BABY? They laugh. Austin continues to massage her. FELICITY Wait, something's itching me. She reaches behind her and unties the strap of her evening dress, revealing her naked back. FELICITY That's better. AUSTIN Crikey!!! Austin GULPS and accidentally spurts way too much oil on her. AUSTIN Sorry. Austin continues the back rub and Felicity stretches out on the bed. AUSTIN (talking to his crotch) Hello, anyone home? C'mon lads, do it for England. Austin takes a peak-- nothing. He is panicked. FELICITY Oh, that was so relaxing. Felicity stretches very sexily. AUSTIN Would you 'like to see my etchings? FELICITY (sexy) I think I'm ready for bed. She moves close to Austin. He slides to the other side of the bed. AUSTIN I'll get you some PJs. FELICITY No, I'm ready for bed. She moves over to him. He avoids her. AUSTIN Oh, you'll want to clean your teeth then. Austin holds up toothpaste and toothbrush. Felicity finally grabs him and pins him to the bed. FELICITY No, I want to have sex with you, Austin. AUSTIN Hello Vicar! FELICITY I've studied everything about you- your methods, your accomplishments, your preferences. You're the reason I became a spy. Now, I've waited two years to meet you, so I say we get busy making up for lost time. Austin sits up. AUSTIN (reflective) Felicity, I used to think that way, too, but I guess... I guess I've changed. Not to make a short story long, or to ramble on and on, or to keep talking in a repetitive manner ad infinitum until it becomes impossible to remember what I was talking about in the first place, but- where was I? MUSIC: SAD INSTRUMENTAL AUSTIN Oh yes. Felicity, I can't shag you. I've lost my mojo. FELICITY (obviously disappointed) Oh. AUSTIN I thought coming back to the Sixties would bring it back, but it hasn't. FELICITY Austin, don't worry. I know just the man to help you. He's my guru. Ringo recommended him and he's the best. AUSTIN I'll warm up the Jumbo Jet, baby! EXT. AUSTIN'S PSYCHEDELIC JUMBO JET Austin's plane in flight. EXT. INDIA - STOCK FOOTAGE EXT./INT. BEETLE Austin and Felicity drive against obvious rear screen projection of India. INT. ASHRAM It looks like a mosque, with incense, tapestries, and DISCIPLES. Austin and Felicity enter. MUSIC: SITAR FELICITY There he is. That's my guru. We see the GURU PITKA (played by Mike), an Indian man in a bright red sari. FELICITY Guru, I'd like you to meet Austin Powers. AUSTIN How are you baby? GURU PITKA My chakras are aligned and I am in a perfect state of equipoise. AUSTIN Good on ya. I don't know what that means but it sounds fab. FELICITY Guru, we need some advice. GURU PITKA Hold your horses and any other beasts- of burden. I must lead my disciples in meditation and then I will help you. The Guru walks to the front of the room and the disciples sink to their knees. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA My name is the Guru Pitka. I am a spiritual teacher and I have combined many disparate disciplines into a unified movement of human potentiality and equipoise that I learned from my guru, the late Guru Shastri, a chaste man who died mysteriously of a disease that strangely had all the hallmarks of syphilis. He would say to me, Sparky, love is all, life is breath. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA Now, perhaps you are wondering where I got the nickname Sparky. Well, when we were young we used to play a game called "Stinkmop". We would urinate into a bucket, dip a mop into it, and play tag. I did not care for "Stinkmop" and a very wise old man said to me 'oh lighten up, Sparky', and I don't know, the name kind of stuck. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhhh... GURU PITKA Now, the reason I am a spiritualist instead of a therapist is that 'therapist' often becomes 'the rapist' and that will not help us attain potentiality. Now what is potentiality? It is the ability to achieve those goals that we wish to achieve for ourselves. People often say to me that they feel "nowhere", and I am going to change that to "Now here." The guru holds up a card which says "NOWHERE = NOW HERE!" DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh... GURU PITKA And you have many assumptions about your goals, but when you "assume" You make an "ass" out of "u" and "me". Guru holds up a card which says "ASSUME = ASS - U - ME." DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh.... GURU PITKA The being, or that which we call 'ourselves', is not the tinker. It is not the taughts. It is the Gap between the tinker and the taughts! We are not our mind, we are not our body, we are the Gap! Guru holds up a card that says "NOT TINKER, NOT TAUGHTS, BUT THE GAP" with the familiar Gap font. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA (rapid fire) The heart of the matter is that you are the heart of the matter. There is no "I" in "team". Beer before liquor, never sicker. Don't take a wooden nickel. If your pipe is short and your pump is weak, you better stand close or you'll piss on your feet. He who goes to bed with itchy bum wakes up with smelly finger. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA Finally, the path to spiritual awakening requires the death of ego. Leggo of my ego! Let us end with the mantra: Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. DISCIPLES (chanting) Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. The Guru takes a swig of Yoo-Hoo. GURU PITKA Go with God, and pay at the door please. The disciples file out. Austin and Felicity approach. GURU PITKA How can I help you? AUSTIN Guru, I'm having trouble performing. GURU PITKA What do you mean? AUSTIN You know- my bits and pieces are a bit sleepy. GURU PITKA I'm not understanding. AUSTIN I've forgotten the steps to the Mummy- Daddy dance. GURU PITKA Still not clear. AUSTIN My flag's at half mast and no one will salute it. GURU PITKA Sorry? AUSTIN My Willie don't work. GURU PITKA Why are you beating around the bush? AUSTIN That's my problem. GURU PITKA Ohhhhh, I get it. (beat) No, I don't get it. FELICITY He's impotent! AUSTIN Alright, easy. (to Guru) Felicity and I were all set for some hump Olympics and I couldn't bat for six. GURU PITKA Oh, yes, I see. AUSTIN You have no idea what I'm saying, do you? GURU PITKA Not a word. AUSTIN Guru, I've lost my mojo. GURU PITKA Oh, mojo! You should have said so. Well, you've lost your mojo because your chakras are misaligned. You have lost love. AUSTIN Lost love? Oh, you mean Vanessa? FELICITY Who's Vanessa? AUSTIN She was an evil robot minion of Dr. Evil. I couldn't have loved her. GURU PITKA Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, buddy. You will only get your mojo back when you surround yourself with love. AUSTIN Oh, I get what you're saying now! He's talking about free love, baby! Tune in, turn on, and drop out! GURU PITKA I am talking about true love. You must stay and study until you are worthy. AUSTIN No way, man. The only way to surround yourself with love is to throw a swinging shin-dig! Yeah, baby, yeah! INT. DR.EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR Dr. Evil and Frau are interrupted by the man we now know as FAT BASTARD. He is foul-mouthed, and when he swears he is bleeped. DR. EVIL Well done, Fat Bastard. May I have the mojo? FAT BASTARD First things first, where's your shitter? I've gotta bleepin, turtle head pokin' out. DR. EVIL (disgusted) Right. Charming. Fat Bastard- you don't mind me calling you Fat Bastard do you? FAT BASTARD I've got a lot of demons kickin' around in my noggin, but weight issues ain't one of them. DR. EVIL Alright, Fatty- FAT BASTARD The name is Fat Bastard! I'm the incorrect weight for my height and I was born out of wedlock, hence the moniker Fat Bastard. Hey, I'm not kiddin'. I've got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey. DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, the mojo? FAT BASTARD Where's my (bleeping) money? DR. EVIL A gentlemen never discusses money. FAT BASTARD Fine, you can take your (bleep)in' money and shove it up your (bleep), you stupid (bleeping) prick! While you're at it you can suck my greasy, two-toned (bleep)! DR. EVIL (pause) Vulgarity is no substitute for wit. FAT BASTARD (Bleep) you! DR. EVIL Right. Bring in the money. Dr. Evil PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIERS drive in a forklift loaded with gold bars. FAT BASTARD Alright, here it is. Fat Bastard slowly draws out the high-tech syringe full of MOJO. Dr. Evil is mesmerized. DR. EVIL Mini-Me, fetch. Mini-Me runs and snatches the mojo from Fat Bastard and gives it to Dr. Evil, who caresses it and places it on a SPECIALLY PREPARED PEDESTAL. NUMBER TWO enters. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I have some bad news. Austin Powers is back in the Sixties. One of our best assassins spotted him but he got away. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous, we have his mojo. NUMBER TWO There is another. Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Suddenly, Scott Evil enters through TIME PORTAL. DR. EVIL Scott, what are you doing here? SCOTT I don't know, I was sitting around watching the tube and The Courtship of Eddie's Father came on Nick at Nite, you know, and I was just listening to that theme song-- (hums/sings the theme) Anyway it made me think that maybe we could try and work things out. You know, you are my Dad and I need you. DR. EVIL You had your chance, Scott. I already have someone created in my image. He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins. (looking around) Has anyone seen Mini-Me? (calling out) Mini-Me! Mini-Mouse? Mini-Driver? Hello! Mini Pearl? Can we put a frickin' bell on him or something? Scott, very hurt, sits back in his chair and sulks. Dr. Evil hits a button and a model moon and a model earth descend. DR. EVIL Gentlemen, phase three. We place a giant laser on the moon. Let me demonstrate. (beat) Where's my laser? Dr. Evil looks around and sees Mini-Me gnawing on the model laser. Dr. Evil takes it from his mouth DR. EVIL Mini-Me, don't chew my laser. (to room) Not feeling well. He has an ear infection, but tit's OK. (pause) No? Nothing? (back to model) Anyway, the laser is powerful enough to destroy every city on the planet at will. We'll turn the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star". Scott SNICKERS. DR. EVIL What? SCOTT (snickering again) Nothing Darth. DR. EVIL What did you call me? SCOTT Nothing. (pretends to sneeze) Rip-off! DR. EVIL (unsure) Bless you? Anyways, since my "death star" laser was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist, Dr. Parsons. I thought we'd name it in his honor-- the Alan Parsons Project. Scott SNICKERS again. DR. EVIL What now? SCOTT The Alan Parsons Project was a progressive rock band from 1982. Why don't you just name it Operation Wang Chung, ass? DR. EVIL (indicating laser) When you get your own evil empire, you can call it whatever you want. Gentlemen, allow me to demonstrate the awesome lethality of the Alan Parsons Project. Fire the laser! INSERT SHOT: A giant laser beam smashes down through the roof of the White House, causing it to explode. Everyone is shocked by the laser's power. NUMBER TWO My God, Dr. Evil, you destroyed the Wihite House with no warning! DR. EVIL Actually, that was just footage from the 1996 blockbuster motion Picture Independence Day, but it would be a lot like that. What do you think, Scott? SCOTT Yeah, Codename: Thompson Twins was really impressive. DR. EVIL Shhhh! SCOTT I'm nineteen, I don't- DR. EVIL Shh! Shh-Shh. Shh-Shhhhhh-Shh. Shh- shh! It's Morse code. (reading imaginary paper) Let me decipher... it says 'shhhhh!' SCOTT You are so lame- DR. EVIL (like Electric Company) Ssssss...huuuuuh...Shhhhh! NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, what are we going to do about Powers? DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, in addition to being extremely rotund, you're a vicious killer. Take care of it. FAT BASTARD It'll be my pleasure. DR. EVIL It's an easy job. Without his mojo, Powers will be...powerless? INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT A party, packed with dancing freaks of every stripe, is in full swing. A girl dances in an oversized birdcage. AUSTIN This shag-in is gonna blow your mind, baby, yeah! The party sequence is shot like Laugh-In. Very fast cuts to the music. Austin sees a VERY PREGNANT WOMAN drinking a martini and smoking. He gently lifts her drink and cigarette away from her. PREGNANT WOMAN Hey! AUSTIN You'll thank me later, baby. Another angle. Austin and Felicity dancing. AUSTIN (noticing someone) Hey! Ricardo Monteblan, how are you? We see RICARDO MONTEBLAN -smoking a hukka on a round chair. RICARDO Hello, Austin! Balls, said the queen and the king laughed because he had too. AUSTIN (to camera) Crazy, man! FELICITY Let's split up and scope the scene. AUSTIN Don't do anything I wouldn't do- at least not without me. Felicity slaps Austin on the butt as he walks off. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: Austin at the bar with an exotic-looking mod chick. AUSTIN (to chick) You're very exotic, baby. Do you have a little English in you? CHICK No. AUSTIN Would you like to? CUT TO: An Alan Zeus-type very gay guy. ALAN ZEUS GUY (rolling his eyes) This is ridiculous! CUT TO: A LONDON COP and Felicity are on hanging chairs. LONDON COP Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz? FELICITY No, but I bet it really hurts. CUT TO: A GUY IN A RAINCOAT on a tricycle, shot undercranked, rides through the party and falls over. CUT TO: Austin pops into frame with a book that says "AUSTIN POWERS SEXY DICTIONARY". AUSTIN The Austin Powers Sexy Dictionary defines an Eskimo hooker as a frosty prosty. CUT TO: An eskimo at the bar in a fur parka. ESKIMO (to camera) I don't get it. CUT TO: The camera pans up Felicity's cool hip-huggers, which are very tight. AUSTIN Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants, baby? FELICITY Well you can start by buying me a drink. Austin does a spit take. CUT TO: Felicity with a VIKING. VIKING You were great last night. By the way, I'm Thor. FELICITY You're Thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly thit. CUT TO: Austin is wearing a silly spiked German helmet like in Hogan's Heroes. AUSTIN (German accent) Hello, I am Baron Von Firstinbed. Last night I had German-Chinese food. An hour later I was hungry- for power. CUT TO: ZEUS GUY Oh puh-leez, why don't you take a handful of F-off pills? CUT TO: AUSTIN Did you hear about the contortionist who was engaged to be married? FELICITY Yeah, I heard she broke it off. CUT TO: Film running backwards of Austin doing a spit take. CUT TO: ARTIE JOHNSON in German helmet behind a plant. ARTIE JOHNSON Verrrrry interesting- but shtupid! CUT TO: Austin takes his glasses off to clean them. We see his POV, which is totally fuzzy. He looks over and sees what appears to be a NUDE GIRL- two round globes and dark triangle. Austin puts his glasses on and looks again. It is actually a girl in a flesh-colored dress. In between her and Austin were two COMPLETELY BALD MEN and a triangular martini glass filled with a Cosmopolitan. CUT TO: Cut to Austin and Felicity together again. FELICITY Look at that. She points to where Fat Bastard and his companion are standing. AUSTIN That's not a pretty sight. Who is he? FELICITY Until recently he worked security for the MOD, but we think he might be a double agent, possibly for Dr. Evil. AUSTIN How do you know? FELICITY We've noticed that his lifestyle has changed dramatically. He's made a lot of cash purchases, he's hanging out with foxes half his age, and he's becomes quite a fixture on the London party circuit. AUSTIN Who's the girl? FELICITY I don't know, but it looks like he's splitting. Fat Bastard exits. FELICITY I'll follow him. You see what you can get out of the girl. We'll rendezvous later. Felicity follows Fat Bastard out the door. Austin makes his way over to the girl. AUSTIN Hello, hello. GIRL Hello, Mr. Powers. Fab party. AUSTIN Who are you today, baby? GIRL Robin. Robin Swallows. AUSTIN Swallows? That's an interesting name. Are you English? ROBIN SWALLOWS German, actually. My maiden name is Spitz. AUSTIN Well which is it, baby, Spitz or Swallows? Either way, it's a pleasure. ROBIN SWALLOWS The pleasure is mine. She extends her hand. Austin takes it and shakes. As he shakes, her cleavage undulates like jello. Austin is transfixed and keeps shaking far too long. AUSTIN Charmed, I'm sure. (still shaking, her breasts jiggle) How do you do? (still shaking, jiggling) Yes, quite. (shakes, jiggles) I always enjoy meeting new people. (shakes, jiggles) How's your mum? Good. (shakes, jiggles) I love shaking hands. Austin. is shaking her hand so vigorously that she is in danger of popping out of her dress. AUSTIN (snapping out of it) So, who was your friend? ROBIN SWALLOWS His name is Fat Bastard. AUSTIN It suits him. ROBIN SWALLOWS He's my lover. Austin is grossed out. AUSTIN OK. Would you happen to know if he's in business with a man named Mr. Evil? ROBIN SWALLOWS I don't know anyone named Dr. Evil. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Evil. Austin does a smug take. AUSTIN Something to drink? Would you like a Mister Pepper? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes, I'd love a Doctor Pepper. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Pepper. Austin does another smug take. Robin grabs Austin and pulls him close. ROBIN SWALLOWS You're a groovy boy, I'd like to strap you on sometime. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: ALAN ZEUS-TYPE GUY IN LIMBO ALAN ZEUS TYPE Meanwhile... BACK TO: EXT. FISH AND CHIPS STAND - NIGHT Literally a window in a wall. Fat Bastard is placing his order. FAT BASTARD ...and I'll have a fried-prawn sandwich, with extra mayonnaise, two whole chickens, a kidney pie, a toad in the hole, bubble and squeak, bangers and mash, 3 orders of fish and chips, and... a Fresca. No ice. We pan to see Felicity beside him. FELICITY I love a man with a large appetite. FAT BASTARD And I love a woman with big (bleeps), so let's shut up and get to (bleep)ing. Felicity swallows hard and forces a smile. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT AUSTIN Can I ask you a question? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes. AUSTIN Thank you. Beat. ROBIN SWALLOWS Well, what's the question? AUSTIN Oh, yes. Would you like to shag? Would you? ROBIN SWALLOWS I'd love to, Mr. Powers, just come right... over... here. Robin moves Austin into place as they dance. AUSTIN You're a bit of alright. Just then, Austin looks into her eyes and sees the REFLECTION OF AN ASSASSIN (Oedipus) about to throw a knife. Just as he throws it, Austin spins Robin Swallows around and USES HER AS A SHIELD. She takes the knife squarely in the back. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the revolver. Oedipus pulls out a pistol and begins FIRING. Austin continues to use Robin AS A SHIELD. She takes six hits. Oedipus runs out of bullets. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the machine gun. Oedipus pulls out a machine gun and FIRES. In a Robert Rodriquez- like flurry of events, Austin dodges while still USING HER AS

ride

How many times the word 'ride' appears in the text?

BASIL EXPOSITION Agent Haggerty was the test, Austin. Not only were you actually reading an article in that Playboy, but a candy-stripe nurse offering to give you a sponge bath didn't so much as turn your head. AUSTIN Wait, I can explain, man! I was going to shag her but the article was so fascinating-- BASIL EXPOSITION I'm sorry, Austin, I'm afraid it's true: you've lost your mojo. Basil shows Austin the mojometer, which reads EMPTY. AUSTIN (crushed) Without my mojo, I'm useless to the Ministry and to Her Majesty. I think it's time to retire. BASIL EXPOSITION I'm afraid that's not possible, Austin. You see, Dr. Evil has returned. AUSTIN Again? BASIL EXPOSITION Again. INT. MOD - TIME-TRAVEL ROOM Austin and Basil ride on the back of a golf cart through the largest room you've ever seen in your life. BASIL EXPOSITION We have evidence that Dr. Evil has developed a time machine. Basil shows Austin altered photos of Dr. Evil with famous villains, such as Sadam, Nixon, and Donald Trump. BASIL EXPOSITION Our researcher noticed that these photos from the archives have changed. That means Dr. Evil is traveling back in time and creating alliances with each decade's most despised villains. Austin tries to read them and gets queasy. AUSTIN I can't read in the car. I get a bit vomy. Austin burps and swallows it. AUSTIN Got it. I almost gipped. BASIL EXPOSITION (V.O.) Our data indicates that Dr. Evil is in the year 1969. Luckily, we also have a time travel device. After years of research we've developed a machine that will transport you back to the Sixties. A bright overhead light comes on spotlighting a brand new VOLKSWAGEN BEETLE CONVERTIBLE, painted up psychedelic by Peter Max. AUSTIN But Basil, isn't that the new Volkswagen Beetle? BASIL EXPOSITION That's what they'd like you to believe. AUSTIN So, Basil, if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967, I could go look at my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the 90's and traveled back to the Sixties? (goes cross-eyed) Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed. BASIL EXPOSITION (to camera) I suggest you don't worry about those things and just enjoy yourself. Austin gets into the car and turns it on. AUSTIN This is smashing Basil. I'll go back to the Sixties, recharge my mojo, defeat Dr. Evil and be back in time for tea. BASIL EXPOSITION Good luck, Austin. AUSTIN Luck has nothing to do with it, Basil. Austin steps on the gas. The car lurches in reverse and smashes some equipment. AUSTIN Sorry. (changing gears) Swinging Sixties, here I come, baby, yeah! The car takes off, heading for the wall. It DISAPPEARS, leaving flaming tread marks. FLASH CUT TO: EXT. STREET - LONDON - The Beetle time machine appears out of nowhere and screeches to a stop. A London HIPPIE smoking a hukka watches. He throws the hukka down. Austin hops out. AUSTIN I feel better already, man! Austin smiles and we see that his teeth are back to being TERRIBLE. He walks off as a crowd gathers around the car. EXT. PARK - LONDON Austin enters the park in high spirits. We PULL BACK to see that Austin is being watched through binoculars by a big ARYAN ASSASSIN. PULL BACK FURTHER to reveal a beautiful MYSTERIOUS WOMAN watching both of them. From this distance we can't tell who she is. A sign reads "BE-IN FOR PEACE". HIPPIES, MODS, and FREAKS of all descriptions dance to the music of a PSYCHEDELIC BAND. The band's name is on the drum kit: "MING TEA." AUSTIN Alright, baby, a swinging shin-dig! Austin gets into the dancing, quickly becoming the center of the scene. The lead singer of the band invites him on stage and hands him the microphone as the band starts a new song: "SEXUAL REVOLUTION." Austin begins singing and a choreographed musical number begins involving the outdoor crowd a la Bob Fosse's Sweet Charity or Hair. AUSTIN (singing) 'THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION, YOU CAN FEEL IT IN THE AIR. PEOPLE SHAGGING JUST LIKE WEASELS AND THEY JUST DON'T SEEM TO CARE. Hip-thrusting young MOD FREAKS Fosse-hump rhythmically. AUSTIN (singing) HEY, WATCH OUT SQUARES... YOU MAKES US BORED! THE PENIS IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD Austin does various groovy dance moves like THE ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOT and THE HEAVYWEIGHT. AUSTIN (singing) THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION AND YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET PEOPLE SHAGGING IN THE CLUBS AND INSIDE A JUMBO JET Forty Austins appear in a KALEIDOSCOPE EFFECT. AUSTIN (singing) HEY SQUARE WORLD THE END IS NIGH. WHEN WE SAY HUMP YOU SAY 'HOW HIGH?' Three GROOVY CHICKS behind Austin suddenly have tambourines for the big finale. The assassin and the mysterious woman are both in the audience, keeping an eye on Austin. All we see of the woman are shots of her BOOTS, CLOTHES, and a FEMALE SYMBOL MEDALLION. AUSTIN (singing) SO GO MAKE LOVE OR MASTURBATE-- SEXUAL FREEDOM WILL NEVER BE OUT OF DAAAAAAAAAAATE! Austin holds the note an improbably long time, arms outstretched. The dancers crouch-walk towards the camera. EVERYONE (chanting) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (shouting) IT'S THE SIXTIES! The SONG ENDS and all the dancers end up on one knee with their arms outstretched, panting. Austin breathes heavily and smiles smugly like Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance. We are TIGHT ON Austin's ass. PULL BACK to see that it is the MYSTERIOUS WOMAN who is watching Austin's ass. She SMILES behind the binoculars hiding her face. 37 EXT. CARNABY ST. Austin walks down the street looking at his new BEATLES ALBUM. Sitting in a parked Citroen watching him is the ASSASSIN. The Aryan assassin nods to a SHOE-SHINE on the street. The shoe-shine boy nods to a BUSINESS MAN in a Homburg. The business man nods to a BOBBY. The bobby nods to a WOMAN WITH A BABY CARRIAGE. The woman with a baby carriage nods to a MIME. The mime nods to a BLIND BEGGAR with a tin cup. The blind beggar nods to a CARPENTER on a roof. The carpenter FLASHES A LIGHT to an INDIAN CHIEF. The Indian Chief gives a SMOKE SIGNAL to a TELEGRAPH OPERATOR. The telegraph operator sends a signal to the BEEFEATER GUARD. The Beefeater salutes with his pike to a SEXY TICKET COLLECTOR on a double-decker bus. The sexy ticket collector signals a TAXI DRIVER. The taxi driver nods back to the assassin as he drives by. INT. CITROEN The assassin gets the signal and starts the car. The whole nodding sequence was a circular waste of time. EXT. STREET - VARIOUS ANGLES Austin walks along. Suddenly, he sees the Citroen coming at him. He dives out of the way and takes off running. He rounds a corner and pretends to be a COUPLE MAKING OUT against a wall by hugging himself. The assassin sees him and slams on the brakes. He raises his gun. Austin turns as he hears a car HONK. It's Austin's BEETLE CONVERTIBLE. The mysterious woman steps out. We see her in her entirety for the first time, and what a sight it is. She has long auburn hair and wears a tight racing suit, unzipped just enough to show the female symbol medallion. She is FELICITY SHAGWELL. MUSIC: FELICITY'S THEME FELICITY Care for a ride? AUSTIN That's my Beetle, baby. FELICITY It was your Beetle. Get in. Austin dives in as the assassin FIRES. The car speeds off. INT. BEETLE (REAR PROJECTION) Felicity drives expertly. FELICITY Austin Powers, I presume? AUSTIN Powers by name, Powers by reputation. FELICITY Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Shagwell by name, Shag-very-Well by reputation. AUSTIN (turning to camera) Crazy, baby! EXT. ROAD The Beetle zips along, and then-- the Citroen appears behind it. The assassin FIRES. INT. BEETLE Felicity turns around to look. FELICITY Grab the wheel, would you? Austin grabs the wheel and Felicity pulls a gun. She turns and FIRES out the window. EXT. ROAD The assassin's tire BLOWS. The car skids towards a Cliff and he jumps out as it goes over. EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN The car goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it EXPLODES. EXT. CLIFF The assassin hangs on to a branch with one hand. He falls. ASSASSIN Ahhhhhhhh! EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN Same shot as the car: The assassin's body goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it, too, EXPLODES. FELICITY Well, Austin, I think this time you may have met your match. AUSTIN Oh, I've beaten Dr. Evil before, and I'll beat him again. FELICITY I was talking about me. She smiles, turns, and walks away. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD The room is dark, with only a single spotlight providing illumination. Suddenly, Austin and Felicity rise on an elevator into the middle of the spotlight. AUSTIN Welcome to my shag pad, baby. Light floods the pad, revealing hanging basket chairs, Hi- fi, and Warhol silk screens of Austin. Austin blows DUST off a table. AUSTIN Care for something to drink? Austin hits a button and a bookcase revolves to reveal a wetbar. AUSTIN Or perhaps something to read? Austin walks seductively over to the real wetbar and hits a button. It revolves to reveal a bookcase. AUSTIN How about a hot cup of coffee? FELICITY Yes, I rather fancy a grind. AUSTIN Oh, Behave! Austin hits a button and an automatic coffee-pourer pours a cup. MUSIC: Girl from Impenema by JOBIM AUSTIN Would you like a... mas-sage? A sensssual mas-sage? Austin hits a button and a series of actions take place: the floor opens up to reveal a sunken bed; red gels slide into place over the lamps; a painting slides back to reveal a reel-to-reel; an end table revolves to reveal a selection of massage oils. Felicity lies on her stomach. Austin begins to massage her. AUSTIN How does that feel, baby? FELICITY Mmm, lower. AUSTIN (lowering his voice) HOW DOES THAT FEEL, BABY? They laugh. Austin continues to massage her. FELICITY Wait, something's itching me. She reaches behind her and unties the strap of her evening dress, revealing her naked back. FELICITY That's better. AUSTIN Crikey!!! Austin GULPS and accidentally spurts way too much oil on her. AUSTIN Sorry. Austin continues the back rub and Felicity stretches out on the bed. AUSTIN (talking to his crotch) Hello, anyone home? C'mon lads, do it for England. Austin takes a peak-- nothing. He is panicked. FELICITY Oh, that was so relaxing. Felicity stretches very sexily. AUSTIN Would you 'like to see my etchings? FELICITY (sexy) I think I'm ready for bed. She moves close to Austin. He slides to the other side of the bed. AUSTIN I'll get you some PJs. FELICITY No, I'm ready for bed. She moves over to him. He avoids her. AUSTIN Oh, you'll want to clean your teeth then. Austin holds up toothpaste and toothbrush. Felicity finally grabs him and pins him to the bed. FELICITY No, I want to have sex with you, Austin. AUSTIN Hello Vicar! FELICITY I've studied everything about you- your methods, your accomplishments, your preferences. You're the reason I became a spy. Now, I've waited two years to meet you, so I say we get busy making up for lost time. Austin sits up. AUSTIN (reflective) Felicity, I used to think that way, too, but I guess... I guess I've changed. Not to make a short story long, or to ramble on and on, or to keep talking in a repetitive manner ad infinitum until it becomes impossible to remember what I was talking about in the first place, but- where was I? MUSIC: SAD INSTRUMENTAL AUSTIN Oh yes. Felicity, I can't shag you. I've lost my mojo. FELICITY (obviously disappointed) Oh. AUSTIN I thought coming back to the Sixties would bring it back, but it hasn't. FELICITY Austin, don't worry. I know just the man to help you. He's my guru. Ringo recommended him and he's the best. AUSTIN I'll warm up the Jumbo Jet, baby! EXT. AUSTIN'S PSYCHEDELIC JUMBO JET Austin's plane in flight. EXT. INDIA - STOCK FOOTAGE EXT./INT. BEETLE Austin and Felicity drive against obvious rear screen projection of India. INT. ASHRAM It looks like a mosque, with incense, tapestries, and DISCIPLES. Austin and Felicity enter. MUSIC: SITAR FELICITY There he is. That's my guru. We see the GURU PITKA (played by Mike), an Indian man in a bright red sari. FELICITY Guru, I'd like you to meet Austin Powers. AUSTIN How are you baby? GURU PITKA My chakras are aligned and I am in a perfect state of equipoise. AUSTIN Good on ya. I don't know what that means but it sounds fab. FELICITY Guru, we need some advice. GURU PITKA Hold your horses and any other beasts- of burden. I must lead my disciples in meditation and then I will help you. The Guru walks to the front of the room and the disciples sink to their knees. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA My name is the Guru Pitka. I am a spiritual teacher and I have combined many disparate disciplines into a unified movement of human potentiality and equipoise that I learned from my guru, the late Guru Shastri, a chaste man who died mysteriously of a disease that strangely had all the hallmarks of syphilis. He would say to me, Sparky, love is all, life is breath. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA Now, perhaps you are wondering where I got the nickname Sparky. Well, when we were young we used to play a game called "Stinkmop". We would urinate into a bucket, dip a mop into it, and play tag. I did not care for "Stinkmop" and a very wise old man said to me 'oh lighten up, Sparky', and I don't know, the name kind of stuck. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhhh... GURU PITKA Now, the reason I am a spiritualist instead of a therapist is that 'therapist' often becomes 'the rapist' and that will not help us attain potentiality. Now what is potentiality? It is the ability to achieve those goals that we wish to achieve for ourselves. People often say to me that they feel "nowhere", and I am going to change that to "Now here." The guru holds up a card which says "NOWHERE = NOW HERE!" DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh... GURU PITKA And you have many assumptions about your goals, but when you "assume" You make an "ass" out of "u" and "me". Guru holds up a card which says "ASSUME = ASS - U - ME." DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh.... GURU PITKA The being, or that which we call 'ourselves', is not the tinker. It is not the taughts. It is the Gap between the tinker and the taughts! We are not our mind, we are not our body, we are the Gap! Guru holds up a card that says "NOT TINKER, NOT TAUGHTS, BUT THE GAP" with the familiar Gap font. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA (rapid fire) The heart of the matter is that you are the heart of the matter. There is no "I" in "team". Beer before liquor, never sicker. Don't take a wooden nickel. If your pipe is short and your pump is weak, you better stand close or you'll piss on your feet. He who goes to bed with itchy bum wakes up with smelly finger. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA Finally, the path to spiritual awakening requires the death of ego. Leggo of my ego! Let us end with the mantra: Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. DISCIPLES (chanting) Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. The Guru takes a swig of Yoo-Hoo. GURU PITKA Go with God, and pay at the door please. The disciples file out. Austin and Felicity approach. GURU PITKA How can I help you? AUSTIN Guru, I'm having trouble performing. GURU PITKA What do you mean? AUSTIN You know- my bits and pieces are a bit sleepy. GURU PITKA I'm not understanding. AUSTIN I've forgotten the steps to the Mummy- Daddy dance. GURU PITKA Still not clear. AUSTIN My flag's at half mast and no one will salute it. GURU PITKA Sorry? AUSTIN My Willie don't work. GURU PITKA Why are you beating around the bush? AUSTIN That's my problem. GURU PITKA Ohhhhh, I get it. (beat) No, I don't get it. FELICITY He's impotent! AUSTIN Alright, easy. (to Guru) Felicity and I were all set for some hump Olympics and I couldn't bat for six. GURU PITKA Oh, yes, I see. AUSTIN You have no idea what I'm saying, do you? GURU PITKA Not a word. AUSTIN Guru, I've lost my mojo. GURU PITKA Oh, mojo! You should have said so. Well, you've lost your mojo because your chakras are misaligned. You have lost love. AUSTIN Lost love? Oh, you mean Vanessa? FELICITY Who's Vanessa? AUSTIN She was an evil robot minion of Dr. Evil. I couldn't have loved her. GURU PITKA Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, buddy. You will only get your mojo back when you surround yourself with love. AUSTIN Oh, I get what you're saying now! He's talking about free love, baby! Tune in, turn on, and drop out! GURU PITKA I am talking about true love. You must stay and study until you are worthy. AUSTIN No way, man. The only way to surround yourself with love is to throw a swinging shin-dig! Yeah, baby, yeah! INT. DR.EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR Dr. Evil and Frau are interrupted by the man we now know as FAT BASTARD. He is foul-mouthed, and when he swears he is bleeped. DR. EVIL Well done, Fat Bastard. May I have the mojo? FAT BASTARD First things first, where's your shitter? I've gotta bleepin, turtle head pokin' out. DR. EVIL (disgusted) Right. Charming. Fat Bastard- you don't mind me calling you Fat Bastard do you? FAT BASTARD I've got a lot of demons kickin' around in my noggin, but weight issues ain't one of them. DR. EVIL Alright, Fatty- FAT BASTARD The name is Fat Bastard! I'm the incorrect weight for my height and I was born out of wedlock, hence the moniker Fat Bastard. Hey, I'm not kiddin'. I've got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey. DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, the mojo? FAT BASTARD Where's my (bleeping) money? DR. EVIL A gentlemen never discusses money. FAT BASTARD Fine, you can take your (bleep)in' money and shove it up your (bleep), you stupid (bleeping) prick! While you're at it you can suck my greasy, two-toned (bleep)! DR. EVIL (pause) Vulgarity is no substitute for wit. FAT BASTARD (Bleep) you! DR. EVIL Right. Bring in the money. Dr. Evil PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIERS drive in a forklift loaded with gold bars. FAT BASTARD Alright, here it is. Fat Bastard slowly draws out the high-tech syringe full of MOJO. Dr. Evil is mesmerized. DR. EVIL Mini-Me, fetch. Mini-Me runs and snatches the mojo from Fat Bastard and gives it to Dr. Evil, who caresses it and places it on a SPECIALLY PREPARED PEDESTAL. NUMBER TWO enters. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I have some bad news. Austin Powers is back in the Sixties. One of our best assassins spotted him but he got away. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous, we have his mojo. NUMBER TWO There is another. Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Suddenly, Scott Evil enters through TIME PORTAL. DR. EVIL Scott, what are you doing here? SCOTT I don't know, I was sitting around watching the tube and The Courtship of Eddie's Father came on Nick at Nite, you know, and I was just listening to that theme song-- (hums/sings the theme) Anyway it made me think that maybe we could try and work things out. You know, you are my Dad and I need you. DR. EVIL You had your chance, Scott. I already have someone created in my image. He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins. (looking around) Has anyone seen Mini-Me? (calling out) Mini-Me! Mini-Mouse? Mini-Driver? Hello! Mini Pearl? Can we put a frickin' bell on him or something? Scott, very hurt, sits back in his chair and sulks. Dr. Evil hits a button and a model moon and a model earth descend. DR. EVIL Gentlemen, phase three. We place a giant laser on the moon. Let me demonstrate. (beat) Where's my laser? Dr. Evil looks around and sees Mini-Me gnawing on the model laser. Dr. Evil takes it from his mouth DR. EVIL Mini-Me, don't chew my laser. (to room) Not feeling well. He has an ear infection, but tit's OK. (pause) No? Nothing? (back to model) Anyway, the laser is powerful enough to destroy every city on the planet at will. We'll turn the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star". Scott SNICKERS. DR. EVIL What? SCOTT (snickering again) Nothing Darth. DR. EVIL What did you call me? SCOTT Nothing. (pretends to sneeze) Rip-off! DR. EVIL (unsure) Bless you? Anyways, since my "death star" laser was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist, Dr. Parsons. I thought we'd name it in his honor-- the Alan Parsons Project. Scott SNICKERS again. DR. EVIL What now? SCOTT The Alan Parsons Project was a progressive rock band from 1982. Why don't you just name it Operation Wang Chung, ass? DR. EVIL (indicating laser) When you get your own evil empire, you can call it whatever you want. Gentlemen, allow me to demonstrate the awesome lethality of the Alan Parsons Project. Fire the laser! INSERT SHOT: A giant laser beam smashes down through the roof of the White House, causing it to explode. Everyone is shocked by the laser's power. NUMBER TWO My God, Dr. Evil, you destroyed the Wihite House with no warning! DR. EVIL Actually, that was just footage from the 1996 blockbuster motion Picture Independence Day, but it would be a lot like that. What do you think, Scott? SCOTT Yeah, Codename: Thompson Twins was really impressive. DR. EVIL Shhhh! SCOTT I'm nineteen, I don't- DR. EVIL Shh! Shh-Shh. Shh-Shhhhhh-Shh. Shh- shh! It's Morse code. (reading imaginary paper) Let me decipher... it says 'shhhhh!' SCOTT You are so lame- DR. EVIL (like Electric Company) Ssssss...huuuuuh...Shhhhh! NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, what are we going to do about Powers? DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, in addition to being extremely rotund, you're a vicious killer. Take care of it. FAT BASTARD It'll be my pleasure. DR. EVIL It's an easy job. Without his mojo, Powers will be...powerless? INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT A party, packed with dancing freaks of every stripe, is in full swing. A girl dances in an oversized birdcage. AUSTIN This shag-in is gonna blow your mind, baby, yeah! The party sequence is shot like Laugh-In. Very fast cuts to the music. Austin sees a VERY PREGNANT WOMAN drinking a martini and smoking. He gently lifts her drink and cigarette away from her. PREGNANT WOMAN Hey! AUSTIN You'll thank me later, baby. Another angle. Austin and Felicity dancing. AUSTIN (noticing someone) Hey! Ricardo Monteblan, how are you? We see RICARDO MONTEBLAN -smoking a hukka on a round chair. RICARDO Hello, Austin! Balls, said the queen and the king laughed because he had too. AUSTIN (to camera) Crazy, man! FELICITY Let's split up and scope the scene. AUSTIN Don't do anything I wouldn't do- at least not without me. Felicity slaps Austin on the butt as he walks off. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: Austin at the bar with an exotic-looking mod chick. AUSTIN (to chick) You're very exotic, baby. Do you have a little English in you? CHICK No. AUSTIN Would you like to? CUT TO: An Alan Zeus-type very gay guy. ALAN ZEUS GUY (rolling his eyes) This is ridiculous! CUT TO: A LONDON COP and Felicity are on hanging chairs. LONDON COP Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz? FELICITY No, but I bet it really hurts. CUT TO: A GUY IN A RAINCOAT on a tricycle, shot undercranked, rides through the party and falls over. CUT TO: Austin pops into frame with a book that says "AUSTIN POWERS SEXY DICTIONARY". AUSTIN The Austin Powers Sexy Dictionary defines an Eskimo hooker as a frosty prosty. CUT TO: An eskimo at the bar in a fur parka. ESKIMO (to camera) I don't get it. CUT TO: The camera pans up Felicity's cool hip-huggers, which are very tight. AUSTIN Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants, baby? FELICITY Well you can start by buying me a drink. Austin does a spit take. CUT TO: Felicity with a VIKING. VIKING You were great last night. By the way, I'm Thor. FELICITY You're Thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly thit. CUT TO: Austin is wearing a silly spiked German helmet like in Hogan's Heroes. AUSTIN (German accent) Hello, I am Baron Von Firstinbed. Last night I had German-Chinese food. An hour later I was hungry- for power. CUT TO: ZEUS GUY Oh puh-leez, why don't you take a handful of F-off pills? CUT TO: AUSTIN Did you hear about the contortionist who was engaged to be married? FELICITY Yeah, I heard she broke it off. CUT TO: Film running backwards of Austin doing a spit take. CUT TO: ARTIE JOHNSON in German helmet behind a plant. ARTIE JOHNSON Verrrrry interesting- but shtupid! CUT TO: Austin takes his glasses off to clean them. We see his POV, which is totally fuzzy. He looks over and sees what appears to be a NUDE GIRL- two round globes and dark triangle. Austin puts his glasses on and looks again. It is actually a girl in a flesh-colored dress. In between her and Austin were two COMPLETELY BALD MEN and a triangular martini glass filled with a Cosmopolitan. CUT TO: Cut to Austin and Felicity together again. FELICITY Look at that. She points to where Fat Bastard and his companion are standing. AUSTIN That's not a pretty sight. Who is he? FELICITY Until recently he worked security for the MOD, but we think he might be a double agent, possibly for Dr. Evil. AUSTIN How do you know? FELICITY We've noticed that his lifestyle has changed dramatically. He's made a lot of cash purchases, he's hanging out with foxes half his age, and he's becomes quite a fixture on the London party circuit. AUSTIN Who's the girl? FELICITY I don't know, but it looks like he's splitting. Fat Bastard exits. FELICITY I'll follow him. You see what you can get out of the girl. We'll rendezvous later. Felicity follows Fat Bastard out the door. Austin makes his way over to the girl. AUSTIN Hello, hello. GIRL Hello, Mr. Powers. Fab party. AUSTIN Who are you today, baby? GIRL Robin. Robin Swallows. AUSTIN Swallows? That's an interesting name. Are you English? ROBIN SWALLOWS German, actually. My maiden name is Spitz. AUSTIN Well which is it, baby, Spitz or Swallows? Either way, it's a pleasure. ROBIN SWALLOWS The pleasure is mine. She extends her hand. Austin takes it and shakes. As he shakes, her cleavage undulates like jello. Austin is transfixed and keeps shaking far too long. AUSTIN Charmed, I'm sure. (still shaking, her breasts jiggle) How do you do? (still shaking, jiggling) Yes, quite. (shakes, jiggles) I always enjoy meeting new people. (shakes, jiggles) How's your mum? Good. (shakes, jiggles) I love shaking hands. Austin. is shaking her hand so vigorously that she is in danger of popping out of her dress. AUSTIN (snapping out of it) So, who was your friend? ROBIN SWALLOWS His name is Fat Bastard. AUSTIN It suits him. ROBIN SWALLOWS He's my lover. Austin is grossed out. AUSTIN OK. Would you happen to know if he's in business with a man named Mr. Evil? ROBIN SWALLOWS I don't know anyone named Dr. Evil. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Evil. Austin does a smug take. AUSTIN Something to drink? Would you like a Mister Pepper? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes, I'd love a Doctor Pepper. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Pepper. Austin does another smug take. Robin grabs Austin and pulls him close. ROBIN SWALLOWS You're a groovy boy, I'd like to strap you on sometime. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: ALAN ZEUS-TYPE GUY IN LIMBO ALAN ZEUS TYPE Meanwhile... BACK TO: EXT. FISH AND CHIPS STAND - NIGHT Literally a window in a wall. Fat Bastard is placing his order. FAT BASTARD ...and I'll have a fried-prawn sandwich, with extra mayonnaise, two whole chickens, a kidney pie, a toad in the hole, bubble and squeak, bangers and mash, 3 orders of fish and chips, and... a Fresca. No ice. We pan to see Felicity beside him. FELICITY I love a man with a large appetite. FAT BASTARD And I love a woman with big (bleeps), so let's shut up and get to (bleep)ing. Felicity swallows hard and forces a smile. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT AUSTIN Can I ask you a question? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes. AUSTIN Thank you. Beat. ROBIN SWALLOWS Well, what's the question? AUSTIN Oh, yes. Would you like to shag? Would you? ROBIN SWALLOWS I'd love to, Mr. Powers, just come right... over... here. Robin moves Austin into place as they dance. AUSTIN You're a bit of alright. Just then, Austin looks into her eyes and sees the REFLECTION OF AN ASSASSIN (Oedipus) about to throw a knife. Just as he throws it, Austin spins Robin Swallows around and USES HER AS A SHIELD. She takes the knife squarely in the back. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the revolver. Oedipus pulls out a pistol and begins FIRING. Austin continues to use Robin AS A SHIELD. She takes six hits. Oedipus runs out of bullets. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the machine gun. Oedipus pulls out a machine gun and FIRES. In a Robert Rodriquez- like flurry of events, Austin dodges while still USING HER AS

tin

How many times the word 'tin' appears in the text?

BASIL EXPOSITION Agent Haggerty was the test, Austin. Not only were you actually reading an article in that Playboy, but a candy-stripe nurse offering to give you a sponge bath didn't so much as turn your head. AUSTIN Wait, I can explain, man! I was going to shag her but the article was so fascinating-- BASIL EXPOSITION I'm sorry, Austin, I'm afraid it's true: you've lost your mojo. Basil shows Austin the mojometer, which reads EMPTY. AUSTIN (crushed) Without my mojo, I'm useless to the Ministry and to Her Majesty. I think it's time to retire. BASIL EXPOSITION I'm afraid that's not possible, Austin. You see, Dr. Evil has returned. AUSTIN Again? BASIL EXPOSITION Again. INT. MOD - TIME-TRAVEL ROOM Austin and Basil ride on the back of a golf cart through the largest room you've ever seen in your life. BASIL EXPOSITION We have evidence that Dr. Evil has developed a time machine. Basil shows Austin altered photos of Dr. Evil with famous villains, such as Sadam, Nixon, and Donald Trump. BASIL EXPOSITION Our researcher noticed that these photos from the archives have changed. That means Dr. Evil is traveling back in time and creating alliances with each decade's most despised villains. Austin tries to read them and gets queasy. AUSTIN I can't read in the car. I get a bit vomy. Austin burps and swallows it. AUSTIN Got it. I almost gipped. BASIL EXPOSITION (V.O.) Our data indicates that Dr. Evil is in the year 1969. Luckily, we also have a time travel device. After years of research we've developed a machine that will transport you back to the Sixties. A bright overhead light comes on spotlighting a brand new VOLKSWAGEN BEETLE CONVERTIBLE, painted up psychedelic by Peter Max. AUSTIN But Basil, isn't that the new Volkswagen Beetle? BASIL EXPOSITION That's what they'd like you to believe. AUSTIN So, Basil, if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967, I could go look at my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the 90's and traveled back to the Sixties? (goes cross-eyed) Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed. BASIL EXPOSITION (to camera) I suggest you don't worry about those things and just enjoy yourself. Austin gets into the car and turns it on. AUSTIN This is smashing Basil. I'll go back to the Sixties, recharge my mojo, defeat Dr. Evil and be back in time for tea. BASIL EXPOSITION Good luck, Austin. AUSTIN Luck has nothing to do with it, Basil. Austin steps on the gas. The car lurches in reverse and smashes some equipment. AUSTIN Sorry. (changing gears) Swinging Sixties, here I come, baby, yeah! The car takes off, heading for the wall. It DISAPPEARS, leaving flaming tread marks. FLASH CUT TO: EXT. STREET - LONDON - The Beetle time machine appears out of nowhere and screeches to a stop. A London HIPPIE smoking a hukka watches. He throws the hukka down. Austin hops out. AUSTIN I feel better already, man! Austin smiles and we see that his teeth are back to being TERRIBLE. He walks off as a crowd gathers around the car. EXT. PARK - LONDON Austin enters the park in high spirits. We PULL BACK to see that Austin is being watched through binoculars by a big ARYAN ASSASSIN. PULL BACK FURTHER to reveal a beautiful MYSTERIOUS WOMAN watching both of them. From this distance we can't tell who she is. A sign reads "BE-IN FOR PEACE". HIPPIES, MODS, and FREAKS of all descriptions dance to the music of a PSYCHEDELIC BAND. The band's name is on the drum kit: "MING TEA." AUSTIN Alright, baby, a swinging shin-dig! Austin gets into the dancing, quickly becoming the center of the scene. The lead singer of the band invites him on stage and hands him the microphone as the band starts a new song: "SEXUAL REVOLUTION." Austin begins singing and a choreographed musical number begins involving the outdoor crowd a la Bob Fosse's Sweet Charity or Hair. AUSTIN (singing) 'THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION, YOU CAN FEEL IT IN THE AIR. PEOPLE SHAGGING JUST LIKE WEASELS AND THEY JUST DON'T SEEM TO CARE. Hip-thrusting young MOD FREAKS Fosse-hump rhythmically. AUSTIN (singing) HEY, WATCH OUT SQUARES... YOU MAKES US BORED! THE PENIS IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD Austin does various groovy dance moves like THE ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOT and THE HEAVYWEIGHT. AUSTIN (singing) THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION AND YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET PEOPLE SHAGGING IN THE CLUBS AND INSIDE A JUMBO JET Forty Austins appear in a KALEIDOSCOPE EFFECT. AUSTIN (singing) HEY SQUARE WORLD THE END IS NIGH. WHEN WE SAY HUMP YOU SAY 'HOW HIGH?' Three GROOVY CHICKS behind Austin suddenly have tambourines for the big finale. The assassin and the mysterious woman are both in the audience, keeping an eye on Austin. All we see of the woman are shots of her BOOTS, CLOTHES, and a FEMALE SYMBOL MEDALLION. AUSTIN (singing) SO GO MAKE LOVE OR MASTURBATE-- SEXUAL FREEDOM WILL NEVER BE OUT OF DAAAAAAAAAAATE! Austin holds the note an improbably long time, arms outstretched. The dancers crouch-walk towards the camera. EVERYONE (chanting) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (louder) FREE-- LOVE! (shouting) IT'S THE SIXTIES! The SONG ENDS and all the dancers end up on one knee with their arms outstretched, panting. Austin breathes heavily and smiles smugly like Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance. We are TIGHT ON Austin's ass. PULL BACK to see that it is the MYSTERIOUS WOMAN who is watching Austin's ass. She SMILES behind the binoculars hiding her face. 37 EXT. CARNABY ST. Austin walks down the street looking at his new BEATLES ALBUM. Sitting in a parked Citroen watching him is the ASSASSIN. The Aryan assassin nods to a SHOE-SHINE on the street. The shoe-shine boy nods to a BUSINESS MAN in a Homburg. The business man nods to a BOBBY. The bobby nods to a WOMAN WITH A BABY CARRIAGE. The woman with a baby carriage nods to a MIME. The mime nods to a BLIND BEGGAR with a tin cup. The blind beggar nods to a CARPENTER on a roof. The carpenter FLASHES A LIGHT to an INDIAN CHIEF. The Indian Chief gives a SMOKE SIGNAL to a TELEGRAPH OPERATOR. The telegraph operator sends a signal to the BEEFEATER GUARD. The Beefeater salutes with his pike to a SEXY TICKET COLLECTOR on a double-decker bus. The sexy ticket collector signals a TAXI DRIVER. The taxi driver nods back to the assassin as he drives by. INT. CITROEN The assassin gets the signal and starts the car. The whole nodding sequence was a circular waste of time. EXT. STREET - VARIOUS ANGLES Austin walks along. Suddenly, he sees the Citroen coming at him. He dives out of the way and takes off running. He rounds a corner and pretends to be a COUPLE MAKING OUT against a wall by hugging himself. The assassin sees him and slams on the brakes. He raises his gun. Austin turns as he hears a car HONK. It's Austin's BEETLE CONVERTIBLE. The mysterious woman steps out. We see her in her entirety for the first time, and what a sight it is. She has long auburn hair and wears a tight racing suit, unzipped just enough to show the female symbol medallion. She is FELICITY SHAGWELL. MUSIC: FELICITY'S THEME FELICITY Care for a ride? AUSTIN That's my Beetle, baby. FELICITY It was your Beetle. Get in. Austin dives in as the assassin FIRES. The car speeds off. INT. BEETLE (REAR PROJECTION) Felicity drives expertly. FELICITY Austin Powers, I presume? AUSTIN Powers by name, Powers by reputation. FELICITY Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Shagwell by name, Shag-very-Well by reputation. AUSTIN (turning to camera) Crazy, baby! EXT. ROAD The Beetle zips along, and then-- the Citroen appears behind it. The assassin FIRES. INT. BEETLE Felicity turns around to look. FELICITY Grab the wheel, would you? Austin grabs the wheel and Felicity pulls a gun. She turns and FIRES out the window. EXT. ROAD The assassin's tire BLOWS. The car skids towards a Cliff and he jumps out as it goes over. EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN The car goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it EXPLODES. EXT. CLIFF The assassin hangs on to a branch with one hand. He falls. ASSASSIN Ahhhhhhhh! EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN Same shot as the car: The assassin's body goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it, too, EXPLODES. FELICITY Well, Austin, I think this time you may have met your match. AUSTIN Oh, I've beaten Dr. Evil before, and I'll beat him again. FELICITY I was talking about me. She smiles, turns, and walks away. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD The room is dark, with only a single spotlight providing illumination. Suddenly, Austin and Felicity rise on an elevator into the middle of the spotlight. AUSTIN Welcome to my shag pad, baby. Light floods the pad, revealing hanging basket chairs, Hi- fi, and Warhol silk screens of Austin. Austin blows DUST off a table. AUSTIN Care for something to drink? Austin hits a button and a bookcase revolves to reveal a wetbar. AUSTIN Or perhaps something to read? Austin walks seductively over to the real wetbar and hits a button. It revolves to reveal a bookcase. AUSTIN How about a hot cup of coffee? FELICITY Yes, I rather fancy a grind. AUSTIN Oh, Behave! Austin hits a button and an automatic coffee-pourer pours a cup. MUSIC: Girl from Impenema by JOBIM AUSTIN Would you like a... mas-sage? A sensssual mas-sage? Austin hits a button and a series of actions take place: the floor opens up to reveal a sunken bed; red gels slide into place over the lamps; a painting slides back to reveal a reel-to-reel; an end table revolves to reveal a selection of massage oils. Felicity lies on her stomach. Austin begins to massage her. AUSTIN How does that feel, baby? FELICITY Mmm, lower. AUSTIN (lowering his voice) HOW DOES THAT FEEL, BABY? They laugh. Austin continues to massage her. FELICITY Wait, something's itching me. She reaches behind her and unties the strap of her evening dress, revealing her naked back. FELICITY That's better. AUSTIN Crikey!!! Austin GULPS and accidentally spurts way too much oil on her. AUSTIN Sorry. Austin continues the back rub and Felicity stretches out on the bed. AUSTIN (talking to his crotch) Hello, anyone home? C'mon lads, do it for England. Austin takes a peak-- nothing. He is panicked. FELICITY Oh, that was so relaxing. Felicity stretches very sexily. AUSTIN Would you 'like to see my etchings? FELICITY (sexy) I think I'm ready for bed. She moves close to Austin. He slides to the other side of the bed. AUSTIN I'll get you some PJs. FELICITY No, I'm ready for bed. She moves over to him. He avoids her. AUSTIN Oh, you'll want to clean your teeth then. Austin holds up toothpaste and toothbrush. Felicity finally grabs him and pins him to the bed. FELICITY No, I want to have sex with you, Austin. AUSTIN Hello Vicar! FELICITY I've studied everything about you- your methods, your accomplishments, your preferences. You're the reason I became a spy. Now, I've waited two years to meet you, so I say we get busy making up for lost time. Austin sits up. AUSTIN (reflective) Felicity, I used to think that way, too, but I guess... I guess I've changed. Not to make a short story long, or to ramble on and on, or to keep talking in a repetitive manner ad infinitum until it becomes impossible to remember what I was talking about in the first place, but- where was I? MUSIC: SAD INSTRUMENTAL AUSTIN Oh yes. Felicity, I can't shag you. I've lost my mojo. FELICITY (obviously disappointed) Oh. AUSTIN I thought coming back to the Sixties would bring it back, but it hasn't. FELICITY Austin, don't worry. I know just the man to help you. He's my guru. Ringo recommended him and he's the best. AUSTIN I'll warm up the Jumbo Jet, baby! EXT. AUSTIN'S PSYCHEDELIC JUMBO JET Austin's plane in flight. EXT. INDIA - STOCK FOOTAGE EXT./INT. BEETLE Austin and Felicity drive against obvious rear screen projection of India. INT. ASHRAM It looks like a mosque, with incense, tapestries, and DISCIPLES. Austin and Felicity enter. MUSIC: SITAR FELICITY There he is. That's my guru. We see the GURU PITKA (played by Mike), an Indian man in a bright red sari. FELICITY Guru, I'd like you to meet Austin Powers. AUSTIN How are you baby? GURU PITKA My chakras are aligned and I am in a perfect state of equipoise. AUSTIN Good on ya. I don't know what that means but it sounds fab. FELICITY Guru, we need some advice. GURU PITKA Hold your horses and any other beasts- of burden. I must lead my disciples in meditation and then I will help you. The Guru walks to the front of the room and the disciples sink to their knees. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA My name is the Guru Pitka. I am a spiritual teacher and I have combined many disparate disciplines into a unified movement of human potentiality and equipoise that I learned from my guru, the late Guru Shastri, a chaste man who died mysteriously of a disease that strangely had all the hallmarks of syphilis. He would say to me, Sparky, love is all, life is breath. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhh! GURU PITKA Now, perhaps you are wondering where I got the nickname Sparky. Well, when we were young we used to play a game called "Stinkmop". We would urinate into a bucket, dip a mop into it, and play tag. I did not care for "Stinkmop" and a very wise old man said to me 'oh lighten up, Sparky', and I don't know, the name kind of stuck. DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhhh... GURU PITKA Now, the reason I am a spiritualist instead of a therapist is that 'therapist' often becomes 'the rapist' and that will not help us attain potentiality. Now what is potentiality? It is the ability to achieve those goals that we wish to achieve for ourselves. People often say to me that they feel "nowhere", and I am going to change that to "Now here." The guru holds up a card which says "NOWHERE = NOW HERE!" DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh... GURU PITKA And you have many assumptions about your goals, but when you "assume" You make an "ass" out of "u" and "me". Guru holds up a card which says "ASSUME = ASS - U - ME." DISCIPLES Ahhhhhhh.... GURU PITKA The being, or that which we call 'ourselves', is not the tinker. It is not the taughts. It is the Gap between the tinker and the taughts! We are not our mind, we are not our body, we are the Gap! Guru holds up a card that says "NOT TINKER, NOT TAUGHTS, BUT THE GAP" with the familiar Gap font. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA (rapid fire) The heart of the matter is that you are the heart of the matter. There is no "I" in "team". Beer before liquor, never sicker. Don't take a wooden nickel. If your pipe is short and your pump is weak, you better stand close or you'll piss on your feet. He who goes to bed with itchy bum wakes up with smelly finger. DISCIPLES Ahhhhh... GURU PITKA Finally, the path to spiritual awakening requires the death of ego. Leggo of my ego! Let us end with the mantra: Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. DISCIPLES (chanting) Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu. The Guru takes a swig of Yoo-Hoo. GURU PITKA Go with God, and pay at the door please. The disciples file out. Austin and Felicity approach. GURU PITKA How can I help you? AUSTIN Guru, I'm having trouble performing. GURU PITKA What do you mean? AUSTIN You know- my bits and pieces are a bit sleepy. GURU PITKA I'm not understanding. AUSTIN I've forgotten the steps to the Mummy- Daddy dance. GURU PITKA Still not clear. AUSTIN My flag's at half mast and no one will salute it. GURU PITKA Sorry? AUSTIN My Willie don't work. GURU PITKA Why are you beating around the bush? AUSTIN That's my problem. GURU PITKA Ohhhhh, I get it. (beat) No, I don't get it. FELICITY He's impotent! AUSTIN Alright, easy. (to Guru) Felicity and I were all set for some hump Olympics and I couldn't bat for six. GURU PITKA Oh, yes, I see. AUSTIN You have no idea what I'm saying, do you? GURU PITKA Not a word. AUSTIN Guru, I've lost my mojo. GURU PITKA Oh, mojo! You should have said so. Well, you've lost your mojo because your chakras are misaligned. You have lost love. AUSTIN Lost love? Oh, you mean Vanessa? FELICITY Who's Vanessa? AUSTIN She was an evil robot minion of Dr. Evil. I couldn't have loved her. GURU PITKA Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, buddy. You will only get your mojo back when you surround yourself with love. AUSTIN Oh, I get what you're saying now! He's talking about free love, baby! Tune in, turn on, and drop out! GURU PITKA I am talking about true love. You must stay and study until you are worthy. AUSTIN No way, man. The only way to surround yourself with love is to throw a swinging shin-dig! Yeah, baby, yeah! INT. DR.EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR Dr. Evil and Frau are interrupted by the man we now know as FAT BASTARD. He is foul-mouthed, and when he swears he is bleeped. DR. EVIL Well done, Fat Bastard. May I have the mojo? FAT BASTARD First things first, where's your shitter? I've gotta bleepin, turtle head pokin' out. DR. EVIL (disgusted) Right. Charming. Fat Bastard- you don't mind me calling you Fat Bastard do you? FAT BASTARD I've got a lot of demons kickin' around in my noggin, but weight issues ain't one of them. DR. EVIL Alright, Fatty- FAT BASTARD The name is Fat Bastard! I'm the incorrect weight for my height and I was born out of wedlock, hence the moniker Fat Bastard. Hey, I'm not kiddin'. I've got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey. DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, the mojo? FAT BASTARD Where's my (bleeping) money? DR. EVIL A gentlemen never discusses money. FAT BASTARD Fine, you can take your (bleep)in' money and shove it up your (bleep), you stupid (bleeping) prick! While you're at it you can suck my greasy, two-toned (bleep)! DR. EVIL (pause) Vulgarity is no substitute for wit. FAT BASTARD (Bleep) you! DR. EVIL Right. Bring in the money. Dr. Evil PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIERS drive in a forklift loaded with gold bars. FAT BASTARD Alright, here it is. Fat Bastard slowly draws out the high-tech syringe full of MOJO. Dr. Evil is mesmerized. DR. EVIL Mini-Me, fetch. Mini-Me runs and snatches the mojo from Fat Bastard and gives it to Dr. Evil, who caresses it and places it on a SPECIALLY PREPARED PEDESTAL. NUMBER TWO enters. NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I have some bad news. Austin Powers is back in the Sixties. One of our best assassins spotted him but he got away. DR. EVIL This is ri-goddamn-diculous, we have his mojo. NUMBER TWO There is another. Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Suddenly, Scott Evil enters through TIME PORTAL. DR. EVIL Scott, what are you doing here? SCOTT I don't know, I was sitting around watching the tube and The Courtship of Eddie's Father came on Nick at Nite, you know, and I was just listening to that theme song-- (hums/sings the theme) Anyway it made me think that maybe we could try and work things out. You know, you are my Dad and I need you. DR. EVIL You had your chance, Scott. I already have someone created in my image. He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins. (looking around) Has anyone seen Mini-Me? (calling out) Mini-Me! Mini-Mouse? Mini-Driver? Hello! Mini Pearl? Can we put a frickin' bell on him or something? Scott, very hurt, sits back in his chair and sulks. Dr. Evil hits a button and a model moon and a model earth descend. DR. EVIL Gentlemen, phase three. We place a giant laser on the moon. Let me demonstrate. (beat) Where's my laser? Dr. Evil looks around and sees Mini-Me gnawing on the model laser. Dr. Evil takes it from his mouth DR. EVIL Mini-Me, don't chew my laser. (to room) Not feeling well. He has an ear infection, but tit's OK. (pause) No? Nothing? (back to model) Anyway, the laser is powerful enough to destroy every city on the planet at will. We'll turn the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star". Scott SNICKERS. DR. EVIL What? SCOTT (snickering again) Nothing Darth. DR. EVIL What did you call me? SCOTT Nothing. (pretends to sneeze) Rip-off! DR. EVIL (unsure) Bless you? Anyways, since my "death star" laser was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist, Dr. Parsons. I thought we'd name it in his honor-- the Alan Parsons Project. Scott SNICKERS again. DR. EVIL What now? SCOTT The Alan Parsons Project was a progressive rock band from 1982. Why don't you just name it Operation Wang Chung, ass? DR. EVIL (indicating laser) When you get your own evil empire, you can call it whatever you want. Gentlemen, allow me to demonstrate the awesome lethality of the Alan Parsons Project. Fire the laser! INSERT SHOT: A giant laser beam smashes down through the roof of the White House, causing it to explode. Everyone is shocked by the laser's power. NUMBER TWO My God, Dr. Evil, you destroyed the Wihite House with no warning! DR. EVIL Actually, that was just footage from the 1996 blockbuster motion Picture Independence Day, but it would be a lot like that. What do you think, Scott? SCOTT Yeah, Codename: Thompson Twins was really impressive. DR. EVIL Shhhh! SCOTT I'm nineteen, I don't- DR. EVIL Shh! Shh-Shh. Shh-Shhhhhh-Shh. Shh- shh! It's Morse code. (reading imaginary paper) Let me decipher... it says 'shhhhh!' SCOTT You are so lame- DR. EVIL (like Electric Company) Ssssss...huuuuuh...Shhhhh! NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, what are we going to do about Powers? DR. EVIL Fat Bastard, in addition to being extremely rotund, you're a vicious killer. Take care of it. FAT BASTARD It'll be my pleasure. DR. EVIL It's an easy job. Without his mojo, Powers will be...powerless? INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT A party, packed with dancing freaks of every stripe, is in full swing. A girl dances in an oversized birdcage. AUSTIN This shag-in is gonna blow your mind, baby, yeah! The party sequence is shot like Laugh-In. Very fast cuts to the music. Austin sees a VERY PREGNANT WOMAN drinking a martini and smoking. He gently lifts her drink and cigarette away from her. PREGNANT WOMAN Hey! AUSTIN You'll thank me later, baby. Another angle. Austin and Felicity dancing. AUSTIN (noticing someone) Hey! Ricardo Monteblan, how are you? We see RICARDO MONTEBLAN -smoking a hukka on a round chair. RICARDO Hello, Austin! Balls, said the queen and the king laughed because he had too. AUSTIN (to camera) Crazy, man! FELICITY Let's split up and scope the scene. AUSTIN Don't do anything I wouldn't do- at least not without me. Felicity slaps Austin on the butt as he walks off. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: Austin at the bar with an exotic-looking mod chick. AUSTIN (to chick) You're very exotic, baby. Do you have a little English in you? CHICK No. AUSTIN Would you like to? CUT TO: An Alan Zeus-type very gay guy. ALAN ZEUS GUY (rolling his eyes) This is ridiculous! CUT TO: A LONDON COP and Felicity are on hanging chairs. LONDON COP Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz? FELICITY No, but I bet it really hurts. CUT TO: A GUY IN A RAINCOAT on a tricycle, shot undercranked, rides through the party and falls over. CUT TO: Austin pops into frame with a book that says "AUSTIN POWERS SEXY DICTIONARY". AUSTIN The Austin Powers Sexy Dictionary defines an Eskimo hooker as a frosty prosty. CUT TO: An eskimo at the bar in a fur parka. ESKIMO (to camera) I don't get it. CUT TO: The camera pans up Felicity's cool hip-huggers, which are very tight. AUSTIN Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants, baby? FELICITY Well you can start by buying me a drink. Austin does a spit take. CUT TO: Felicity with a VIKING. VIKING You were great last night. By the way, I'm Thor. FELICITY You're Thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly thit. CUT TO: Austin is wearing a silly spiked German helmet like in Hogan's Heroes. AUSTIN (German accent) Hello, I am Baron Von Firstinbed. Last night I had German-Chinese food. An hour later I was hungry- for power. CUT TO: ZEUS GUY Oh puh-leez, why don't you take a handful of F-off pills? CUT TO: AUSTIN Did you hear about the contortionist who was engaged to be married? FELICITY Yeah, I heard she broke it off. CUT TO: Film running backwards of Austin doing a spit take. CUT TO: ARTIE JOHNSON in German helmet behind a plant. ARTIE JOHNSON Verrrrry interesting- but shtupid! CUT TO: Austin takes his glasses off to clean them. We see his POV, which is totally fuzzy. He looks over and sees what appears to be a NUDE GIRL- two round globes and dark triangle. Austin puts his glasses on and looks again. It is actually a girl in a flesh-colored dress. In between her and Austin were two COMPLETELY BALD MEN and a triangular martini glass filled with a Cosmopolitan. CUT TO: Cut to Austin and Felicity together again. FELICITY Look at that. She points to where Fat Bastard and his companion are standing. AUSTIN That's not a pretty sight. Who is he? FELICITY Until recently he worked security for the MOD, but we think he might be a double agent, possibly for Dr. Evil. AUSTIN How do you know? FELICITY We've noticed that his lifestyle has changed dramatically. He's made a lot of cash purchases, he's hanging out with foxes half his age, and he's becomes quite a fixture on the London party circuit. AUSTIN Who's the girl? FELICITY I don't know, but it looks like he's splitting. Fat Bastard exits. FELICITY I'll follow him. You see what you can get out of the girl. We'll rendezvous later. Felicity follows Fat Bastard out the door. Austin makes his way over to the girl. AUSTIN Hello, hello. GIRL Hello, Mr. Powers. Fab party. AUSTIN Who are you today, baby? GIRL Robin. Robin Swallows. AUSTIN Swallows? That's an interesting name. Are you English? ROBIN SWALLOWS German, actually. My maiden name is Spitz. AUSTIN Well which is it, baby, Spitz or Swallows? Either way, it's a pleasure. ROBIN SWALLOWS The pleasure is mine. She extends her hand. Austin takes it and shakes. As he shakes, her cleavage undulates like jello. Austin is transfixed and keeps shaking far too long. AUSTIN Charmed, I'm sure. (still shaking, her breasts jiggle) How do you do? (still shaking, jiggling) Yes, quite. (shakes, jiggles) I always enjoy meeting new people. (shakes, jiggles) How's your mum? Good. (shakes, jiggles) I love shaking hands. Austin. is shaking her hand so vigorously that she is in danger of popping out of her dress. AUSTIN (snapping out of it) So, who was your friend? ROBIN SWALLOWS His name is Fat Bastard. AUSTIN It suits him. ROBIN SWALLOWS He's my lover. Austin is grossed out. AUSTIN OK. Would you happen to know if he's in business with a man named Mr. Evil? ROBIN SWALLOWS I don't know anyone named Dr. Evil. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Evil. Austin does a smug take. AUSTIN Something to drink? Would you like a Mister Pepper? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes, I'd love a Doctor Pepper. AUSTIN Really? I said Mister Pepper. Austin does another smug take. Robin grabs Austin and pulls him close. ROBIN SWALLOWS You're a groovy boy, I'd like to strap you on sometime. AUSTIN Oh, behave! CUT TO: ALAN ZEUS-TYPE GUY IN LIMBO ALAN ZEUS TYPE Meanwhile... BACK TO: EXT. FISH AND CHIPS STAND - NIGHT Literally a window in a wall. Fat Bastard is placing his order. FAT BASTARD ...and I'll have a fried-prawn sandwich, with extra mayonnaise, two whole chickens, a kidney pie, a toad in the hole, bubble and squeak, bangers and mash, 3 orders of fish and chips, and... a Fresca. No ice. We pan to see Felicity beside him. FELICITY I love a man with a large appetite. FAT BASTARD And I love a woman with big (bleeps), so let's shut up and get to (bleep)ing. Felicity swallows hard and forces a smile. INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT AUSTIN Can I ask you a question? ROBIN SWALLOWS Yes. AUSTIN Thank you. Beat. ROBIN SWALLOWS Well, what's the question? AUSTIN Oh, yes. Would you like to shag? Would you? ROBIN SWALLOWS I'd love to, Mr. Powers, just come right... over... here. Robin moves Austin into place as they dance. AUSTIN You're a bit of alright. Just then, Austin looks into her eyes and sees the REFLECTION OF AN ASSASSIN (Oedipus) about to throw a knife. Just as he throws it, Austin spins Robin Swallows around and USES HER AS A SHIELD. She takes the knife squarely in the back. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the revolver. Oedipus pulls out a pistol and begins FIRING. Austin continues to use Robin AS A SHIELD. She takes six hits. Oedipus runs out of bullets. ROBIN SWALLOWS (strained) Oedipus... use the machine gun. Oedipus pulls out a machine gun and FIRES. In a Robert Rodriquez- like flurry of events, Austin dodges while still USING HER AS

surprised

How many times the word 'surprised' appears in the text?