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Burn After Reading Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS BURN AFTER READING Written by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen FADE IN 1 EXT. EASTERN SEABOARD - AERIALS - DAY 1 High in the air----so high we an see the curvature of the earth. The eastern seaboard stretches away, flecked with clouds. As we dissolve in closer the picture bleaches of color. We are looking down at the city of Washington, D.C. Dissolve closer still: a black-and-white aerial photograph of a neighborhood in suburban D.C. dominated by a sprawling building. Computer type quickly bleeps on: C.I.A. Headquarters Langley, Virginia 2 INT. CIA - HALLWAY - DAY 2 We track at floor level, following the well shined shoes of someone walking down the well polished hallway. 3 INT. PALMER'S OFFICE - DAY 3 We hear a door opening and a silver-haired man rises behind his desk. A nameplate on the desk identifies him as Palmer DeBakey Smith. PALMER Ozzie. Sit down. Osbourne Cox, entering, is a middle-aged man in a striped shirt and bow tie. OSBOURNE Palmer. What's up. PALMER You know Peck, and Olson. The two men, sitting on chairs facing the desk, nod at Osbourne, who is surprised to see them. OSBOURNE Peck, yes, hiya. Olson, by reputation. Hi, Osbourne Cox. OLSON Yeah, hiyah. 2. OSBOURNE Aren't you with...aren't you, uh... Palmer jumps in: PALMER Yeah, that's right. Oz, look. There's no easy way to say this. We're taking you off the Balkans desk. OSBOURNE You're----what? Why? PALMER In fact we're moving you out of Sigint entirely. OSBOURNE ...What? No discussion, just----you're out? PALMER Well, we're having the discussion now Oz. This doesn't have to be unpleasant. OSBOURNE Palmer, with all due respect----what the fuck are you talking about? A beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... And why is Olson here? Another uncomfortable beat. PALMER ... Look, Ozzie---- OSBOURNE What the fuck is this?! Is it my----I know it's not my work. PALMER Ozzie---- OSBOURNE I'm a great fucking analyst! Is it---- PALMER Oz, things are not going well. As you know. 3. PECK You have a drinking problem. Stunned silence. Ozzie turns to look at Peck. At length: OSBOURNE I have a drinking problem. PALMER This doesn't have to be unpleasant. We found you something in State. It's a, uh... He gropes, uncomfortable. PALMER (CONT'D) ... It's a lower clearance level. Yes. But we're not, this isn't, we're not terminating you. OSBOURNE (quietly) This is an assault. PECK Come on, Ozzie. OSBOURNE This is an assault. I have a drinking problem? Fuck you, Peck, you're a Mormon! PECK Ozzie---- OSBOURNE Next to you we all have a drinking problem! Fuck you guys! Whose ass didn't I kiss? Let's be honest! Palmer nods at Olson. PALMER Okay, Olson---- OSBOURNE Let's be fucking honest... Osbourne gets to his feet, agitated. 4. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... This is a crucifixion! This is political! Don't tell me it's not! He storms out the door. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I have a drinking problem! The door slams. Palmer Smith looks at Olson. Olson arches an eyebrow. 4 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 4 OSBOURNE Bow tie loosened, he stands at a kitchen counter. His shoulders twist as he does something below frame: we hear the crackle of ice cubes wrenching loose from a tray. Behind him we see the apartment door opening. Katie, an attractive middle-aged woman, enters, taking her key out of the door, but stops, surprised to see Osbourne. KATIE You're home. Osbourne continues making himself a drink. OSBOURNE Hang on to your hat, honey. I have some news. I---- KATIE Did you pick up the cheeses? OSBOURNE Huh? KATIE Were they ready? I didn't know you were coming home this early. OSBOURNE (blank) The cheeses. Katie rolls her eyes. 5. KATIE I left a message for you to stop at Todaro's. The Magruders and the Pfarrers are coming over. OSBOURNE The Pfarrers? Ugh. I----what did Kathleen say? KATIE What? OSBOURNE When you left the message? KATIE She said. She would give you. The message. OSBOURNE Well she, I don't know, I guess we had bigger news today. My day didn't revolve arou---- KATIE So you didn't get the cheeses. OSBOURNE Well, since I didn't get the message, no, I didn't get the cheeses. But hang on to your hat, I---- KATIE Oh for fuck's sake, Ozzie, you mean I have to go out again? All right, well, you better get dressed. OSBOURNE Honey, we have to talk. KATIE Not right now. They'll be here in, what, less than an hour. 5 INT. COX LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 5 A hand hovers, hesitates. VOICE Is this a, uh, goat cheese? OSBOURNE (OFF) Chevre, yes, that is a goat cheese. Pink Revision 8/14/07 6. Wider shows the cocktail party, meagerly attended but in full swing. Besides Osbourne and Katie there is Harry Pfarrer (who has just inquired about the cheese), bearded, forties, rugged; his wife Sandy; and a shiny-faced young couple, Doug and Tina Magruder. Osbourne holds a cocktail tumbler. HARRY Because I have lactose reflux. But I can---- OSBOURNE You're lactose intolerant? HARRY Yes, but I can---- OSBOURNE Or you have acid reflux? They're two different things. Harry looks at him coldly. HARRY I know what they are. OSBOURNE Then you misspoke yourself. So I---- HARRY Thank you for correcting me. KATIE You should try the chevre, Harry. It's very good. HARRY Yeah. I can eat goat cheese. He eats a piece, cupping one hand under his mouth. HARRY (CONT'D) ... I was just explaining to your husband here, I have a condition---- Katie tries to separate the two men by including Doug Magruder. KATIE Harry works with the Marshalls' * Service. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 6A. DOUG MAGRUDER Ah. I'm on the legislative side, I * work with Senator Hobby. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 7. HARRY * Used to work for Treasury, but I * didn't go over to Homeland Security. * I'm with the Marshalls. * OSBOURNE If you want he'll show you his great big gun. HARRY Very amusing. The gun is actually no big deal. Twenty years in the marshall's service and I've never discharged my weapon. OSBOURNE Sounds like something you should be telling your psychiatrist. HARRY What? I don't have a psychiatrist. DOUG MAGRUDER Boy, I guess my job is pretty undramatic. I'm on the legislative side. What do you do Mrs. Pfarrer? Do you also carry a gun? Harry laughs. HARRY Sandy writes children's books. SANDY I write children's books---- HARRY Oliver The Cat Who...Who..arghh----Who---- Choking on piece of cheese, coughing HARRY (CONT'D) ...Who Lives In The Rotunda. Excuse me. TINA Those are wonderful! My nieces and nephews---- 8. HARRY Yeah, it's a beloved series. You wouldn't believe her fan mail. Unghh. Are you sure this is goat cheese? KATIE Why don't you let your wife tell them about her own books, Harry? HARRY I'm sorry----was I---- KATIE Here, come in the kitchen, help me with the crudit s. 6 INT. COX KITCHEN - NIGHT 6 They enter. HARRY Goddamnit. He knows, doesn't he. He looks down at the floor. He stamps. HARRY (CONT'D) ... Nice floors. KATIE Knows what? Harry is looking around the kitchen, taking in the fixtures. Absently: HARRY About us, he knows about us. Little prick. KATIE Don't be an ass, he doesn't know a thing. Harry is staring down at the linoleum again. HARRY What is that, forbo? A6 EXT. STREET - NIGHT A6 A car drives by. 9. 7 INT. HARRY'S CAR - NIGHT 7 Harry driving, his wife next to him. A long beat. Finally: HARRY What a horse's ass. SANDY I don't know why we see them. Harry shrugs. HARRY Well, she's all right. SANDY She is a cold, stuck-up bitch. Harry opens his mouth to reply, considers, doesn't. They drive. 8 INT. COX MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT 8 KATIE She is staring, in front of a mirror, face covered in cold cream, one hand arrested on the way up to daub on more. KATIE You quit?! Osbourne is buttoning a pajama top. OSBOURNE Uh-huh. KATIE Well----Thank you for letting me know! OSBOURNE I tried to tell you this afternoon. KATIE You tried? You tried? And then---- what, the aphasia kicked in? OSBOURNE Our guests came. We---- 10. KATIE Why?! For fuck's sake, Ozzie! OSBOURNE I'm just----I don't know. I got so tired. KATIE You're tired. OSBOURNE Tired of swimming against the current. KATIE Uh-huh. OSBOURNE Independent thought is not only not valued there, they resist it, they fight it, the bureaucracy is positively---- KATIE Did you get a pension, or severance or something, or---- OSBOURNE I didn't retire you know, I, I quit. I don't want their benefits. KATIE But I suppose my benefits are all right, I suppose you can live with those, is that the idea? OSBOURNE It's not like that's the only way to make money. KATIE Yes? Yes? What're you gonna do? OSBOURNE I'll do some consulting. KATIE Consulting. OSBOURNE Yes, to help while I----I've always wanted to write. KATIE Write. Write what. 11. OSBOURNE I've been thinking about it. A book, a sort of, sort of memoir. Katie stares at him in the mirror. A beat. She bursts into laughter. 9 EXT. YACHT/AT SEA - DAY 9 THE BRIDGE A small yacht. Osbourne stands at the wheel, a light wind in his face, as the boat sails under motor power. After a beat he moves to the front of the boat. An old man sits on a bench on the prow facing out into the wind. He has snowy hair and a stern Yankee face. He wears a tweed cap. He doesn't much react to Osbourne's approach. OSBOURNE You okay there, Dad? The old man remains silent, staring. Osbourne sits next to him and idly tucks in the plaid blanket resting over the man's knees. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Dad, I left my job at the Agency... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I, uh... I'm sorry. Dad, government service is not what it was when you were in State. Things are different now. I don't know, maybe it's... it's... the Cold War ending; now it seems like it's all bureaucracy and no mission... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I'm writing a memoir. I think it's going to be pretty explosive. But I don't think you'll disapprove. I don't think you'll disapprove. Katie has had trouble accepting it. (MORE) 12. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) But... sometimes there's a higher patriotism, Dad. So we'll... Yes, change is hard. It's hard on Katie. But we'll be okay. We'll be okay. Life is change. This is good. We were all blocked up, Katie and me. This is, this is a blessing in disguise. I'll go into training, you know. Lay off the sauce. Like you did. You managed to do it. Finally. And then I can concentrate on, you know. New beginning. And this'll all have been for the best. Don't you think Dad? The old man stares out into the wind. Osbourne sniffles. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Cold. He taps the old man on the knee and rises. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I guess we should head back. 10 EXT. PIER - DAY 10 LONG SHOT THRU THE WINDSHIELD OF A CAR The sailboat docked at the end of a marina. Osbourne is pushing the old man in a wheel chair down the pier away from the boat. A MAN'S VOICE We've seen this... 11 INT. LAW FIRM - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY 11 THE MAN White hair, bushy eyebrows, a florid face. He is in a law- book lined conference room. He wears an expensive suit, suspenders, a white shirt with blue collar and cuffs. He is Bogus Terikhian. TERIKHIAN ... I know this kind of man. We've seen this. 13. Wider on the conference room shows that Katie Cox sits at the table, along with Terikhian, another lawyer, and an assistant. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Mrs. Cox, you can't let this man take advantage of you. And he will. He will. KATIE Yes. This is my fear. He's trying---- he says----he's trying to pull himself together, but... TERIKHIAN Look, sure, I----I'm obliged to tell you you should try to salvage things. And you should. People turn themselves around. Not unheard-of. But. You---- you haven't broached the possibility of divorce yet? KATIE No. TERIKHIAN Well that's good. Because first you should get all his financials. Before he's forewarned. Because here's a man, here's a man, practiced in deceit, this is almost, you could say it's his job, practiced at hiding things, and there is no reason, it is not improper, there is no reason for you not to get a picture of the household finances. Paper files, computer files, whatever----this is your prerogative. You can be a spy too, madam. Do this before you put him on alert. Before the turtle can draw in his head and his, uh... He waggles his hands, groping for the word. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Feet. He shrugs. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... And hopefully everything will work out. He will reform. But! If not: forewarned is forearmed. 14. 12 INT. COX HOUSE - DAY 12 Osbourne is splayed on an easy chair, wearing a bathrobe over pyjamas. He stares at the ceiling, motionless, arms out- flung, like Marat in his bathtub. A long still beat. A clock ticks. Abruptly Osbourne raises one hand to speak into a microcassette recorder. OSBOURNE We were young and committed and there was nothing we couldn't do. We thought of the Agency less as... less as... The thought, such as it was, peters out. Osbourne rises and wanders around the room, glassy-eyed. He suddenly raises the microcassette again. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... The principles of George Kennan----a personal hero of mine----were what animated us. In fact they were what had originally inspired me to enter government service. Like the State Department's China Hands of yore, or, in a different forum, in a different venue, in a different medium, in, um... "Murrow's Boys," the fabled----in a different---- He suddenly stops, head cocked, listening. Faintly, a ringing phone. 13 INT. COX BASEMENT STAIRWAY - DAY 13 At the cut Osbourne is thundering down a steep carpeted stairway. He inclines his head to clear the ceiling that juts over the bottom half of the stairwell. The phone is louder here. 14 INT. COX BASEMENT - DAY 14 A semi-finished basement with cheap paneling and a low dropped ceiling of water-stained Johnson-Armstrong tile. The ringing phone is on a cheap government-surplus desk. The answering machine, with Osbourne's voice, picks up: 15. MACHINE You have reached The Cox Group... Osbourne, robe flapping, shuffles hurriedly in his slippered feet toward the phone. MACHINE (CONT'D) ... We can't answer your call right now. Please leave a---- OSBOURNE (heavy breathing) Hello. He eases into the chair, having swiped up the phone. A listening beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Yes?... Oh, no... No, call her number... No, upstairs...No she's not, but leave it on her machine. 15 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY - LATER 15 We are looking over Osbourne's shoulder----he is still in his robe----as he sits hunched on an ottoman, looking at a daytime game show. A few beats of the show. Roaring laughter from the studio audience. Mild chuckle from Osbourne in the foreground. 16 INT LIVING ROOM - DAY - STILL LATER 16 Ticking clock. Osbourne paces with the microcassette recorder. He raises it with a thought, draws a breath, and then stops, and looks off. The ticking grandfather clock: ornate hands on an ornate clock face Two or three minutes to five. Osbourne stares for a long beat. 17 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 17 OSBOURNE Shoulders twisting as we hear ice clattering out of a tray. He pours coke sizzling onto the ice. 16. He pauses for a long beat. He takes a bottle of rum out of a cabinet. He pours some into a hatch-marked shot glass. He looks at it. The amber liquid tops the hatch mark. He conscientiously pours the overage back, murmuring: OSBOURNE Single... He dumps the shot into the Coke. 18 EXT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 18 As before, the boat, docked at the end of the marina pier, is seen in long shot through the windshield of a car. Closer on the boat. As water laps against pilings and the boat gently bobs and creaks, we hear, muffled, the sounds of a couple having sex. When it builds to climax we cut: 19 INT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 19 Minutes later. We hold on a door for a quiet beat, then we hear the gurgle of water, and then the door opens. Harry Pfarrer emerges from the small bathroom, buckling his belt. In the bedroom which he emerges into Katie Cox is just finishing dressing. Harry looks at his watch. HARRY I should try to get a run in. 20 INT. COX HOUSE - DUSK 20 Katie is letting herself in. KATIE Ozzie! Quiet. 21 INT. KITCHEN - DUSK 21 Katie enters and sees a note on the counter paperweighted by a plate of used lime wedges: 17. Honey, At Fenninger's. Reunion committee dinner. See you later. 22 EXT. POTOMAC BRIDGE - DUSK 22 Long-lens, hand-held, point-of-view seeming: Harry Pfarrer is jogging in his Treasury sweats. Closer on him. Brow furrows. He spins, jogs backwards, looking. His point-of-view: nothing unusual; traffic on the bridge, no pedestrians particularly close. Harry, mildly puzzled, slows and stops. He turns again. Point-of-view up the bridge: empty. Harry starts jogging again. 23 INT. COX BASEMENT - NIGHT 23 We are tracking toward the desk in the corner, at which Katie sits. She cracks open a CD case and loads the CD into Osbourne's computer. A suspense drone builds as we track in. Katie starts typing, then suddenly stops. She holds still, listening for noises in the house. Nothing. She resumes typing. We hear male voices beginning to swell in song. The voices continue after the suspense drone snaps off, at the cut to: 24 INT. FENNINGER'S - NIGHT 24 A musty steakhouse. On the walls are hunting-scene prints and steel engravings of English country houses. A placard resting on a chair outside the Georgian Room: CLOSED FOR PRIVATE PARTY. From inside the room, male voices: VOICES Tune every heart and every voice... 18. 25 INT. FENNINGER'S - GEORGIAN ROOM - NIGHT 25 A dozen middle-aged men around a long table, each holding high a glass. MEN ... Bid every care withdraw. Let all with one accord rejoice... The men are sweaty, tie-loosened, dinner-stuffed and boozy. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau... Close on Osbourne as a rotund middle-aged classmate fills his glass to brimming. The two sway unsteadily with the music.. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau my boys, Hoo-rah, hoo-rah, hoorah! All swing their glasses side-to-side in rhythm: MEN (CONT'D) ... Her sons... shall give... while they... shall live... Glasses are thrust high with a ringing finish: MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau! 26 INT. EXAM ROOM - DAY 26 A WOMAN'S ASS Bare. Pale. Middle-aged. Someone with a marker is drawing on the flesh to illustrate: DOCTOR (OFF) We take all the chicken fat off your buttocks, here... and here... And the upper arms. And a little off your tummy... The camera is arcing around a standing, naked, middle-aged woman, to reveal the doctor sitting on a stool in the examining room, facing her. He reaches forward again with the marker. 19. DOCTOR (OFF) (CONT'D) ...And we do breast augmentation with a tiny incision here... and here. PATIENT (OFF) Uh-huh. And what about the thigh area? DOCTOR Well we can do liposuction there as well, but that area will respond to exercise. Buttocks and upper arms begin to store more fat when you get up around forty, the body just tells it to go there, but the thighs will respond to toning exercises. PATIENT Uh-huh. I know, I can work out on my arms til the cows come home, but... DOCTOR Uh-huh. And of course there are also genetic factors. PATIENT The Litzkes are big. DOCTOR Uh-huh, well everything's---- PATIENT My mom had an ass that could pull a bus. DOCTOR Wow. Well that's a predispo---- PATIENT Father's side too, although Dad tends to carry his weight in front of him. DOCTOR Uh-huh. PATIENT In the gut area. Derriere, not so much. DOCTOR Okay. The continuing track around is also booming up to reveal the face of the patient, Linda Litzke. 20. LINDA And what about the face, you know, the window to the soul. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Very well put. Well your eyes are one of your best features. But we can do something about the incipient crow's feet. LINDA Baby crow's feet. Little chickling's feet. I mean chicks. Chickie chickie chickie. DOCTOR Ha-ha, yes, again, well put. You have a way with words. We cut here... He marks. DOCTOR (CONT'D) ... And we pull the skin tight, like stretching the skin over a drum. Not too tight, though. We don't want that "worked-on" look. You need sufficient slack for the face to remain expressive. LINDA Yeah, I don't wanna look like Boris Karloff. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Heh-heh, so you don't want a sex change! LINDA No, I'm all woman! 27 INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY 27 Doctor and patient, now dressed, sit on either side of a desk. DOCTOR So Linda, what we're talking about here is four different procedures. (ticks them off) The liposuction... The rhinoplasty... The facial tuck, which I would strongly recommend over the chemical peel---- 21. LINDA Yeah, I don't want to get anything burned off. DOCTOR And why should you. With that lovely skin. And lastly, the breast augmentation. Now we can also do something about the vaccine scar----I don't know if you wear sleeveless dresses much---- LINDA Not with these ham hocks! DOCTOR Yes, well once they're nice and svelte, post-op, you---- LINDA Well I don't know. Is the vaccine thing----can you counsel me on this? I don't know, is it unsightly? I see it a lot, a bunch of people have it. DOCTOR Absolutely! Some women don't mind it at all! Personal taste! 28 INT. HARDBODIES - DAY 28 Linda Litzke, in a Hardbodies polo shirt with "Linda" stitched on the breast, leans out of her semi-enclosed office on the gym floor. LINDA Chad! 29 INT. HARDBODIES - GYM FLOOR - DAY 29 Chad Feldheimer, trainer, fortyish and well-muscled, has a gym patron up on a table and is helping him stretch a leg back. PATRON Ow! CHAD I'm sorry, was that too much? 22. PATRON I felt a straining... a tightness in the... in the front of my ass... CHAD Well you're pretty tight. You have to feel it or---- LINDA (on the public address) Chad Feldheimer. Office. CHAD I'll be back in a minute. We'll work on opening those hips. 30 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY 30 Linda is tapping at her computer as Chad enters. LINDA I got a batch from BeWithMeDC dot com. Chad perches on the desk, chewing gum as he gazes at the screen. CHAD Oh wow. Any good? LINDA I don't know yet, just looking... How do you open this? CHAD Click on, uh... yeah... LINDA Oh my god! CHAD What? LINDA Oh my God, what a loser! She clicks. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser! She clicks. Chad is laughing. Linda scowls. 23. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser!... What is this! They should call this Mr. Saggy dot com. CHAD Cripes. LINDA Loser! CHAD Did you have to send a picture? LINDA No, only guys do. I submitted a verbal profile, turn-ons, turn-offs, et cetera. I'm really looking for someone with a sense of humor. CHAD That guy----wait----that guy wasn't bad. LINDA Him? CHAD No, before. LINDA Him? CHAD Yeah. He uh, he might not be a loser. LINDA How can you tell? CHAD That's a Brioni suit. LINDA Oh yeah? CHAD Shit yeah. LINDA (dubious) Does he look like he has a sense of humor? CHAD He looks like his optometrist has a sense of humor. 24. Linda slaps his arm. CHAD (CONT'D) ... Huh-huh-huh. What does he do? LINDA State Department. CHAD That's cool. LINDA His hair is... what is that? CHAD Plugs. 31 INT. GYM - NEXT DAY 31 Linda is showing someone around the floor. LINDA This is the cardio area. A lot of machines here so that, believe me, there's never a wait. What you're seeing now, this is our busiest time, and there's still a couple of open treadmills I see, three Stairmasters---- I call it the Butt-Blaster----couple of LifeCycles----Hi, Chad. Chad is working with a medicine ball and a heavy young woman. CHAD Hi Linda. Did you call that guy? LINDA Not yet! Chad is one of our trainers. I've just started internet dating and I got my first look at the, uh... CUSTOMER What service? LINDA BeWithMeDC dot com? CUSTOMER Nice. LINDA Have you used them? 25. CUSTOMER No----two friends did and they're both hooked up. With really special guys. LINDA That's fantastic. 32 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - LATER 32 Linda is leaning forward at her desk, phone wedged between ear and shoulder, one hand up at her forehead. After a long still beat: LINDA Yes! Another still beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... English! Beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Agent! Beat. LINDA DRIVING ... Agent! Agent! Beat. LINDA ... Yes, hi, this is Linda Litzke, should I give you my account number? You have it up? Okay. I was informed that I needed pre-approval for these surgeries, and then... Yes, it was denied. Listening, then: LINDA (CONT'D) ...No, those are four different operations... It's very complicated; I'm reinventing myself, it's a whole new look so it isn't just one thing, however, it's all approved by my doctor... But----madam! This is not----my job involves, you know, public interface! This is not... 26. Her jaw sets. She controls her fury. Quieter: LINDA (CONT'D) ... Yes I do understand. Could I speak to your supervisor please? 33 INT. TED'S OFFICE/LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY - MINUTES LATER 33 We are on a long lens point-of-view, from several cubicles over, of Linda, now slumped at her desk, head in her arms. We faintly hear her sobbing. Reverse shows Ted Treffon, middle-aged, balding, the soulful manager of Hardbodies. He looks at Linda, puzzled and a little alarmed. He tenses as if to rise but doesn't, and hovers uncomfortably, unsure of whether to intrude. 34 EXT. WASHINGTON MALL - DAY 34 Linda walks down the promenade dressed in a smart pant suit. Her moving POV passes over a couple in conversation, an old woman feeding the birds, a man in a business suit reading a newspaper. She passes the man and turns around. He has looked up from the paper and is staring at her. He wears aviator-shaped glasses with clear plastic rims. He may have hair plugs. LINDA Alan? MAN (ALAN) Are you, uh... Linda? 35 EXT. CIRCLE THEATRE - DUSK 35 A poster advertises Totally Stoked! with Dermot Mulroney and Claire Danes. 36 INT. THEATRE - NIGHT 36 On the screen, Dermot Mulroney, dressed in a tuxedo, cranes his head to look steeply up and off. Linda sits next to Alan in the half-empty theatre, nervously watching the screen. 27. DERMOT (OFF) First you tell me that you can't commit, then you----WOULD YOU GET DOWN FROM THERE! Linda laughs raucously, then catches herself and looks at Alan. 37 INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT 37 The couple sit across from each other at a small table. They pick at their food. 38 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - NIGHT 38 The couple are making love in the dark room on a frilly comforter. Alan, still wearing his glasses, wheezes asthmatically. 39 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - LATER 39 Alan is snoring. After a long beat Linda gets up and puts on a robe. She bends down near the bed and picks something up out of Alan's trousers. 40 INT. LINDA'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 40 She sits into a chair near the window in the dark room and opens Alan's wallet. A Discover card, driver's license, a condom. A photograph of Alan holding a large bluefish. She unfolds a piece of notepaper. Written in a feminine hand in pencil: Please pick up: Plunge Honey Nut Cheerios. LINDA Oh for Pete's sake! She catches herself, looks around. The snoring, off, continues. She looks out the window. The lights of the freeway twinkle. 28. 41 INT. YACHT - NIGHT 41 We are in the bedroom. The boat rides gently at anchor. Harry has an arm around Katie, in bed. Both stare at a point in space. After a beat that is silent except for the faint sloshing of water against hull: HARRY ... and then, you know, you grow up. I guess that's what's happened with me. You just... people change. We married when I was, what, in my mid- twenties. A kid. We were kids. Twenties. You think it's forever. Then, you know, you're older----you begin to feel your mortality, you start to think, well, there's no more

old

How many times the word 'old' appears in the text?

Burn After Reading Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS BURN AFTER READING Written by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen FADE IN 1 EXT. EASTERN SEABOARD - AERIALS - DAY 1 High in the air----so high we an see the curvature of the earth. The eastern seaboard stretches away, flecked with clouds. As we dissolve in closer the picture bleaches of color. We are looking down at the city of Washington, D.C. Dissolve closer still: a black-and-white aerial photograph of a neighborhood in suburban D.C. dominated by a sprawling building. Computer type quickly bleeps on: C.I.A. Headquarters Langley, Virginia 2 INT. CIA - HALLWAY - DAY 2 We track at floor level, following the well shined shoes of someone walking down the well polished hallway. 3 INT. PALMER'S OFFICE - DAY 3 We hear a door opening and a silver-haired man rises behind his desk. A nameplate on the desk identifies him as Palmer DeBakey Smith. PALMER Ozzie. Sit down. Osbourne Cox, entering, is a middle-aged man in a striped shirt and bow tie. OSBOURNE Palmer. What's up. PALMER You know Peck, and Olson. The two men, sitting on chairs facing the desk, nod at Osbourne, who is surprised to see them. OSBOURNE Peck, yes, hiya. Olson, by reputation. Hi, Osbourne Cox. OLSON Yeah, hiyah. 2. OSBOURNE Aren't you with...aren't you, uh... Palmer jumps in: PALMER Yeah, that's right. Oz, look. There's no easy way to say this. We're taking you off the Balkans desk. OSBOURNE You're----what? Why? PALMER In fact we're moving you out of Sigint entirely. OSBOURNE ...What? No discussion, just----you're out? PALMER Well, we're having the discussion now Oz. This doesn't have to be unpleasant. OSBOURNE Palmer, with all due respect----what the fuck are you talking about? A beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... And why is Olson here? Another uncomfortable beat. PALMER ... Look, Ozzie---- OSBOURNE What the fuck is this?! Is it my----I know it's not my work. PALMER Ozzie---- OSBOURNE I'm a great fucking analyst! Is it---- PALMER Oz, things are not going well. As you know. 3. PECK You have a drinking problem. Stunned silence. Ozzie turns to look at Peck. At length: OSBOURNE I have a drinking problem. PALMER This doesn't have to be unpleasant. We found you something in State. It's a, uh... He gropes, uncomfortable. PALMER (CONT'D) ... It's a lower clearance level. Yes. But we're not, this isn't, we're not terminating you. OSBOURNE (quietly) This is an assault. PECK Come on, Ozzie. OSBOURNE This is an assault. I have a drinking problem? Fuck you, Peck, you're a Mormon! PECK Ozzie---- OSBOURNE Next to you we all have a drinking problem! Fuck you guys! Whose ass didn't I kiss? Let's be honest! Palmer nods at Olson. PALMER Okay, Olson---- OSBOURNE Let's be fucking honest... Osbourne gets to his feet, agitated. 4. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... This is a crucifixion! This is political! Don't tell me it's not! He storms out the door. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I have a drinking problem! The door slams. Palmer Smith looks at Olson. Olson arches an eyebrow. 4 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 4 OSBOURNE Bow tie loosened, he stands at a kitchen counter. His shoulders twist as he does something below frame: we hear the crackle of ice cubes wrenching loose from a tray. Behind him we see the apartment door opening. Katie, an attractive middle-aged woman, enters, taking her key out of the door, but stops, surprised to see Osbourne. KATIE You're home. Osbourne continues making himself a drink. OSBOURNE Hang on to your hat, honey. I have some news. I---- KATIE Did you pick up the cheeses? OSBOURNE Huh? KATIE Were they ready? I didn't know you were coming home this early. OSBOURNE (blank) The cheeses. Katie rolls her eyes. 5. KATIE I left a message for you to stop at Todaro's. The Magruders and the Pfarrers are coming over. OSBOURNE The Pfarrers? Ugh. I----what did Kathleen say? KATIE What? OSBOURNE When you left the message? KATIE She said. She would give you. The message. OSBOURNE Well she, I don't know, I guess we had bigger news today. My day didn't revolve arou---- KATIE So you didn't get the cheeses. OSBOURNE Well, since I didn't get the message, no, I didn't get the cheeses. But hang on to your hat, I---- KATIE Oh for fuck's sake, Ozzie, you mean I have to go out again? All right, well, you better get dressed. OSBOURNE Honey, we have to talk. KATIE Not right now. They'll be here in, what, less than an hour. 5 INT. COX LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 5 A hand hovers, hesitates. VOICE Is this a, uh, goat cheese? OSBOURNE (OFF) Chevre, yes, that is a goat cheese. Pink Revision 8/14/07 6. Wider shows the cocktail party, meagerly attended but in full swing. Besides Osbourne and Katie there is Harry Pfarrer (who has just inquired about the cheese), bearded, forties, rugged; his wife Sandy; and a shiny-faced young couple, Doug and Tina Magruder. Osbourne holds a cocktail tumbler. HARRY Because I have lactose reflux. But I can---- OSBOURNE You're lactose intolerant? HARRY Yes, but I can---- OSBOURNE Or you have acid reflux? They're two different things. Harry looks at him coldly. HARRY I know what they are. OSBOURNE Then you misspoke yourself. So I---- HARRY Thank you for correcting me. KATIE You should try the chevre, Harry. It's very good. HARRY Yeah. I can eat goat cheese. He eats a piece, cupping one hand under his mouth. HARRY (CONT'D) ... I was just explaining to your husband here, I have a condition---- Katie tries to separate the two men by including Doug Magruder. KATIE Harry works with the Marshalls' * Service. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 6A. DOUG MAGRUDER Ah. I'm on the legislative side, I * work with Senator Hobby. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 7. HARRY * Used to work for Treasury, but I * didn't go over to Homeland Security. * I'm with the Marshalls. * OSBOURNE If you want he'll show you his great big gun. HARRY Very amusing. The gun is actually no big deal. Twenty years in the marshall's service and I've never discharged my weapon. OSBOURNE Sounds like something you should be telling your psychiatrist. HARRY What? I don't have a psychiatrist. DOUG MAGRUDER Boy, I guess my job is pretty undramatic. I'm on the legislative side. What do you do Mrs. Pfarrer? Do you also carry a gun? Harry laughs. HARRY Sandy writes children's books. SANDY I write children's books---- HARRY Oliver The Cat Who...Who..arghh----Who---- Choking on piece of cheese, coughing HARRY (CONT'D) ...Who Lives In The Rotunda. Excuse me. TINA Those are wonderful! My nieces and nephews---- 8. HARRY Yeah, it's a beloved series. You wouldn't believe her fan mail. Unghh. Are you sure this is goat cheese? KATIE Why don't you let your wife tell them about her own books, Harry? HARRY I'm sorry----was I---- KATIE Here, come in the kitchen, help me with the crudit s. 6 INT. COX KITCHEN - NIGHT 6 They enter. HARRY Goddamnit. He knows, doesn't he. He looks down at the floor. He stamps. HARRY (CONT'D) ... Nice floors. KATIE Knows what? Harry is looking around the kitchen, taking in the fixtures. Absently: HARRY About us, he knows about us. Little prick. KATIE Don't be an ass, he doesn't know a thing. Harry is staring down at the linoleum again. HARRY What is that, forbo? A6 EXT. STREET - NIGHT A6 A car drives by. 9. 7 INT. HARRY'S CAR - NIGHT 7 Harry driving, his wife next to him. A long beat. Finally: HARRY What a horse's ass. SANDY I don't know why we see them. Harry shrugs. HARRY Well, she's all right. SANDY She is a cold, stuck-up bitch. Harry opens his mouth to reply, considers, doesn't. They drive. 8 INT. COX MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT 8 KATIE She is staring, in front of a mirror, face covered in cold cream, one hand arrested on the way up to daub on more. KATIE You quit?! Osbourne is buttoning a pajama top. OSBOURNE Uh-huh. KATIE Well----Thank you for letting me know! OSBOURNE I tried to tell you this afternoon. KATIE You tried? You tried? And then---- what, the aphasia kicked in? OSBOURNE Our guests came. We---- 10. KATIE Why?! For fuck's sake, Ozzie! OSBOURNE I'm just----I don't know. I got so tired. KATIE You're tired. OSBOURNE Tired of swimming against the current. KATIE Uh-huh. OSBOURNE Independent thought is not only not valued there, they resist it, they fight it, the bureaucracy is positively---- KATIE Did you get a pension, or severance or something, or---- OSBOURNE I didn't retire you know, I, I quit. I don't want their benefits. KATIE But I suppose my benefits are all right, I suppose you can live with those, is that the idea? OSBOURNE It's not like that's the only way to make money. KATIE Yes? Yes? What're you gonna do? OSBOURNE I'll do some consulting. KATIE Consulting. OSBOURNE Yes, to help while I----I've always wanted to write. KATIE Write. Write what. 11. OSBOURNE I've been thinking about it. A book, a sort of, sort of memoir. Katie stares at him in the mirror. A beat. She bursts into laughter. 9 EXT. YACHT/AT SEA - DAY 9 THE BRIDGE A small yacht. Osbourne stands at the wheel, a light wind in his face, as the boat sails under motor power. After a beat he moves to the front of the boat. An old man sits on a bench on the prow facing out into the wind. He has snowy hair and a stern Yankee face. He wears a tweed cap. He doesn't much react to Osbourne's approach. OSBOURNE You okay there, Dad? The old man remains silent, staring. Osbourne sits next to him and idly tucks in the plaid blanket resting over the man's knees. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Dad, I left my job at the Agency... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I, uh... I'm sorry. Dad, government service is not what it was when you were in State. Things are different now. I don't know, maybe it's... it's... the Cold War ending; now it seems like it's all bureaucracy and no mission... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I'm writing a memoir. I think it's going to be pretty explosive. But I don't think you'll disapprove. I don't think you'll disapprove. Katie has had trouble accepting it. (MORE) 12. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) But... sometimes there's a higher patriotism, Dad. So we'll... Yes, change is hard. It's hard on Katie. But we'll be okay. We'll be okay. Life is change. This is good. We were all blocked up, Katie and me. This is, this is a blessing in disguise. I'll go into training, you know. Lay off the sauce. Like you did. You managed to do it. Finally. And then I can concentrate on, you know. New beginning. And this'll all have been for the best. Don't you think Dad? The old man stares out into the wind. Osbourne sniffles. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Cold. He taps the old man on the knee and rises. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I guess we should head back. 10 EXT. PIER - DAY 10 LONG SHOT THRU THE WINDSHIELD OF A CAR The sailboat docked at the end of a marina. Osbourne is pushing the old man in a wheel chair down the pier away from the boat. A MAN'S VOICE We've seen this... 11 INT. LAW FIRM - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY 11 THE MAN White hair, bushy eyebrows, a florid face. He is in a law- book lined conference room. He wears an expensive suit, suspenders, a white shirt with blue collar and cuffs. He is Bogus Terikhian. TERIKHIAN ... I know this kind of man. We've seen this. 13. Wider on the conference room shows that Katie Cox sits at the table, along with Terikhian, another lawyer, and an assistant. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Mrs. Cox, you can't let this man take advantage of you. And he will. He will. KATIE Yes. This is my fear. He's trying---- he says----he's trying to pull himself together, but... TERIKHIAN Look, sure, I----I'm obliged to tell you you should try to salvage things. And you should. People turn themselves around. Not unheard-of. But. You---- you haven't broached the possibility of divorce yet? KATIE No. TERIKHIAN Well that's good. Because first you should get all his financials. Before he's forewarned. Because here's a man, here's a man, practiced in deceit, this is almost, you could say it's his job, practiced at hiding things, and there is no reason, it is not improper, there is no reason for you not to get a picture of the household finances. Paper files, computer files, whatever----this is your prerogative. You can be a spy too, madam. Do this before you put him on alert. Before the turtle can draw in his head and his, uh... He waggles his hands, groping for the word. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Feet. He shrugs. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... And hopefully everything will work out. He will reform. But! If not: forewarned is forearmed. 14. 12 INT. COX HOUSE - DAY 12 Osbourne is splayed on an easy chair, wearing a bathrobe over pyjamas. He stares at the ceiling, motionless, arms out- flung, like Marat in his bathtub. A long still beat. A clock ticks. Abruptly Osbourne raises one hand to speak into a microcassette recorder. OSBOURNE We were young and committed and there was nothing we couldn't do. We thought of the Agency less as... less as... The thought, such as it was, peters out. Osbourne rises and wanders around the room, glassy-eyed. He suddenly raises the microcassette again. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... The principles of George Kennan----a personal hero of mine----were what animated us. In fact they were what had originally inspired me to enter government service. Like the State Department's China Hands of yore, or, in a different forum, in a different venue, in a different medium, in, um... "Murrow's Boys," the fabled----in a different---- He suddenly stops, head cocked, listening. Faintly, a ringing phone. 13 INT. COX BASEMENT STAIRWAY - DAY 13 At the cut Osbourne is thundering down a steep carpeted stairway. He inclines his head to clear the ceiling that juts over the bottom half of the stairwell. The phone is louder here. 14 INT. COX BASEMENT - DAY 14 A semi-finished basement with cheap paneling and a low dropped ceiling of water-stained Johnson-Armstrong tile. The ringing phone is on a cheap government-surplus desk. The answering machine, with Osbourne's voice, picks up: 15. MACHINE You have reached The Cox Group... Osbourne, robe flapping, shuffles hurriedly in his slippered feet toward the phone. MACHINE (CONT'D) ... We can't answer your call right now. Please leave a---- OSBOURNE (heavy breathing) Hello. He eases into the chair, having swiped up the phone. A listening beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Yes?... Oh, no... No, call her number... No, upstairs...No she's not, but leave it on her machine. 15 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY - LATER 15 We are looking over Osbourne's shoulder----he is still in his robe----as he sits hunched on an ottoman, looking at a daytime game show. A few beats of the show. Roaring laughter from the studio audience. Mild chuckle from Osbourne in the foreground. 16 INT LIVING ROOM - DAY - STILL LATER 16 Ticking clock. Osbourne paces with the microcassette recorder. He raises it with a thought, draws a breath, and then stops, and looks off. The ticking grandfather clock: ornate hands on an ornate clock face Two or three minutes to five. Osbourne stares for a long beat. 17 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 17 OSBOURNE Shoulders twisting as we hear ice clattering out of a tray. He pours coke sizzling onto the ice. 16. He pauses for a long beat. He takes a bottle of rum out of a cabinet. He pours some into a hatch-marked shot glass. He looks at it. The amber liquid tops the hatch mark. He conscientiously pours the overage back, murmuring: OSBOURNE Single... He dumps the shot into the Coke. 18 EXT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 18 As before, the boat, docked at the end of the marina pier, is seen in long shot through the windshield of a car. Closer on the boat. As water laps against pilings and the boat gently bobs and creaks, we hear, muffled, the sounds of a couple having sex. When it builds to climax we cut: 19 INT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 19 Minutes later. We hold on a door for a quiet beat, then we hear the gurgle of water, and then the door opens. Harry Pfarrer emerges from the small bathroom, buckling his belt. In the bedroom which he emerges into Katie Cox is just finishing dressing. Harry looks at his watch. HARRY I should try to get a run in. 20 INT. COX HOUSE - DUSK 20 Katie is letting herself in. KATIE Ozzie! Quiet. 21 INT. KITCHEN - DUSK 21 Katie enters and sees a note on the counter paperweighted by a plate of used lime wedges: 17. Honey, At Fenninger's. Reunion committee dinner. See you later. 22 EXT. POTOMAC BRIDGE - DUSK 22 Long-lens, hand-held, point-of-view seeming: Harry Pfarrer is jogging in his Treasury sweats. Closer on him. Brow furrows. He spins, jogs backwards, looking. His point-of-view: nothing unusual; traffic on the bridge, no pedestrians particularly close. Harry, mildly puzzled, slows and stops. He turns again. Point-of-view up the bridge: empty. Harry starts jogging again. 23 INT. COX BASEMENT - NIGHT 23 We are tracking toward the desk in the corner, at which Katie sits. She cracks open a CD case and loads the CD into Osbourne's computer. A suspense drone builds as we track in. Katie starts typing, then suddenly stops. She holds still, listening for noises in the house. Nothing. She resumes typing. We hear male voices beginning to swell in song. The voices continue after the suspense drone snaps off, at the cut to: 24 INT. FENNINGER'S - NIGHT 24 A musty steakhouse. On the walls are hunting-scene prints and steel engravings of English country houses. A placard resting on a chair outside the Georgian Room: CLOSED FOR PRIVATE PARTY. From inside the room, male voices: VOICES Tune every heart and every voice... 18. 25 INT. FENNINGER'S - GEORGIAN ROOM - NIGHT 25 A dozen middle-aged men around a long table, each holding high a glass. MEN ... Bid every care withdraw. Let all with one accord rejoice... The men are sweaty, tie-loosened, dinner-stuffed and boozy. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau... Close on Osbourne as a rotund middle-aged classmate fills his glass to brimming. The two sway unsteadily with the music.. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau my boys, Hoo-rah, hoo-rah, hoorah! All swing their glasses side-to-side in rhythm: MEN (CONT'D) ... Her sons... shall give... while they... shall live... Glasses are thrust high with a ringing finish: MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau! 26 INT. EXAM ROOM - DAY 26 A WOMAN'S ASS Bare. Pale. Middle-aged. Someone with a marker is drawing on the flesh to illustrate: DOCTOR (OFF) We take all the chicken fat off your buttocks, here... and here... And the upper arms. And a little off your tummy... The camera is arcing around a standing, naked, middle-aged woman, to reveal the doctor sitting on a stool in the examining room, facing her. He reaches forward again with the marker. 19. DOCTOR (OFF) (CONT'D) ...And we do breast augmentation with a tiny incision here... and here. PATIENT (OFF) Uh-huh. And what about the thigh area? DOCTOR Well we can do liposuction there as well, but that area will respond to exercise. Buttocks and upper arms begin to store more fat when you get up around forty, the body just tells it to go there, but the thighs will respond to toning exercises. PATIENT Uh-huh. I know, I can work out on my arms til the cows come home, but... DOCTOR Uh-huh. And of course there are also genetic factors. PATIENT The Litzkes are big. DOCTOR Uh-huh, well everything's---- PATIENT My mom had an ass that could pull a bus. DOCTOR Wow. Well that's a predispo---- PATIENT Father's side too, although Dad tends to carry his weight in front of him. DOCTOR Uh-huh. PATIENT In the gut area. Derriere, not so much. DOCTOR Okay. The continuing track around is also booming up to reveal the face of the patient, Linda Litzke. 20. LINDA And what about the face, you know, the window to the soul. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Very well put. Well your eyes are one of your best features. But we can do something about the incipient crow's feet. LINDA Baby crow's feet. Little chickling's feet. I mean chicks. Chickie chickie chickie. DOCTOR Ha-ha, yes, again, well put. You have a way with words. We cut here... He marks. DOCTOR (CONT'D) ... And we pull the skin tight, like stretching the skin over a drum. Not too tight, though. We don't want that "worked-on" look. You need sufficient slack for the face to remain expressive. LINDA Yeah, I don't wanna look like Boris Karloff. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Heh-heh, so you don't want a sex change! LINDA No, I'm all woman! 27 INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY 27 Doctor and patient, now dressed, sit on either side of a desk. DOCTOR So Linda, what we're talking about here is four different procedures. (ticks them off) The liposuction... The rhinoplasty... The facial tuck, which I would strongly recommend over the chemical peel---- 21. LINDA Yeah, I don't want to get anything burned off. DOCTOR And why should you. With that lovely skin. And lastly, the breast augmentation. Now we can also do something about the vaccine scar----I don't know if you wear sleeveless dresses much---- LINDA Not with these ham hocks! DOCTOR Yes, well once they're nice and svelte, post-op, you---- LINDA Well I don't know. Is the vaccine thing----can you counsel me on this? I don't know, is it unsightly? I see it a lot, a bunch of people have it. DOCTOR Absolutely! Some women don't mind it at all! Personal taste! 28 INT. HARDBODIES - DAY 28 Linda Litzke, in a Hardbodies polo shirt with "Linda" stitched on the breast, leans out of her semi-enclosed office on the gym floor. LINDA Chad! 29 INT. HARDBODIES - GYM FLOOR - DAY 29 Chad Feldheimer, trainer, fortyish and well-muscled, has a gym patron up on a table and is helping him stretch a leg back. PATRON Ow! CHAD I'm sorry, was that too much? 22. PATRON I felt a straining... a tightness in the... in the front of my ass... CHAD Well you're pretty tight. You have to feel it or---- LINDA (on the public address) Chad Feldheimer. Office. CHAD I'll be back in a minute. We'll work on opening those hips. 30 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY 30 Linda is tapping at her computer as Chad enters. LINDA I got a batch from BeWithMeDC dot com. Chad perches on the desk, chewing gum as he gazes at the screen. CHAD Oh wow. Any good? LINDA I don't know yet, just looking... How do you open this? CHAD Click on, uh... yeah... LINDA Oh my god! CHAD What? LINDA Oh my God, what a loser! She clicks. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser! She clicks. Chad is laughing. Linda scowls. 23. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser!... What is this! They should call this Mr. Saggy dot com. CHAD Cripes. LINDA Loser! CHAD Did you have to send a picture? LINDA No, only guys do. I submitted a verbal profile, turn-ons, turn-offs, et cetera. I'm really looking for someone with a sense of humor. CHAD That guy----wait----that guy wasn't bad. LINDA Him? CHAD No, before. LINDA Him? CHAD Yeah. He uh, he might not be a loser. LINDA How can you tell? CHAD That's a Brioni suit. LINDA Oh yeah? CHAD Shit yeah. LINDA (dubious) Does he look like he has a sense of humor? CHAD He looks like his optometrist has a sense of humor. 24. Linda slaps his arm. CHAD (CONT'D) ... Huh-huh-huh. What does he do? LINDA State Department. CHAD That's cool. LINDA His hair is... what is that? CHAD Plugs. 31 INT. GYM - NEXT DAY 31 Linda is showing someone around the floor. LINDA This is the cardio area. A lot of machines here so that, believe me, there's never a wait. What you're seeing now, this is our busiest time, and there's still a couple of open treadmills I see, three Stairmasters---- I call it the Butt-Blaster----couple of LifeCycles----Hi, Chad. Chad is working with a medicine ball and a heavy young woman. CHAD Hi Linda. Did you call that guy? LINDA Not yet! Chad is one of our trainers. I've just started internet dating and I got my first look at the, uh... CUSTOMER What service? LINDA BeWithMeDC dot com? CUSTOMER Nice. LINDA Have you used them? 25. CUSTOMER No----two friends did and they're both hooked up. With really special guys. LINDA That's fantastic. 32 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - LATER 32 Linda is leaning forward at her desk, phone wedged between ear and shoulder, one hand up at her forehead. After a long still beat: LINDA Yes! Another still beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... English! Beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Agent! Beat. LINDA DRIVING ... Agent! Agent! Beat. LINDA ... Yes, hi, this is Linda Litzke, should I give you my account number? You have it up? Okay. I was informed that I needed pre-approval for these surgeries, and then... Yes, it was denied. Listening, then: LINDA (CONT'D) ...No, those are four different operations... It's very complicated; I'm reinventing myself, it's a whole new look so it isn't just one thing, however, it's all approved by my doctor... But----madam! This is not----my job involves, you know, public interface! This is not... 26. Her jaw sets. She controls her fury. Quieter: LINDA (CONT'D) ... Yes I do understand. Could I speak to your supervisor please? 33 INT. TED'S OFFICE/LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY - MINUTES LATER 33 We are on a long lens point-of-view, from several cubicles over, of Linda, now slumped at her desk, head in her arms. We faintly hear her sobbing. Reverse shows Ted Treffon, middle-aged, balding, the soulful manager of Hardbodies. He looks at Linda, puzzled and a little alarmed. He tenses as if to rise but doesn't, and hovers uncomfortably, unsure of whether to intrude. 34 EXT. WASHINGTON MALL - DAY 34 Linda walks down the promenade dressed in a smart pant suit. Her moving POV passes over a couple in conversation, an old woman feeding the birds, a man in a business suit reading a newspaper. She passes the man and turns around. He has looked up from the paper and is staring at her. He wears aviator-shaped glasses with clear plastic rims. He may have hair plugs. LINDA Alan? MAN (ALAN) Are you, uh... Linda? 35 EXT. CIRCLE THEATRE - DUSK 35 A poster advertises Totally Stoked! with Dermot Mulroney and Claire Danes. 36 INT. THEATRE - NIGHT 36 On the screen, Dermot Mulroney, dressed in a tuxedo, cranes his head to look steeply up and off. Linda sits next to Alan in the half-empty theatre, nervously watching the screen. 27. DERMOT (OFF) First you tell me that you can't commit, then you----WOULD YOU GET DOWN FROM THERE! Linda laughs raucously, then catches herself and looks at Alan. 37 INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT 37 The couple sit across from each other at a small table. They pick at their food. 38 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - NIGHT 38 The couple are making love in the dark room on a frilly comforter. Alan, still wearing his glasses, wheezes asthmatically. 39 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - LATER 39 Alan is snoring. After a long beat Linda gets up and puts on a robe. She bends down near the bed and picks something up out of Alan's trousers. 40 INT. LINDA'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 40 She sits into a chair near the window in the dark room and opens Alan's wallet. A Discover card, driver's license, a condom. A photograph of Alan holding a large bluefish. She unfolds a piece of notepaper. Written in a feminine hand in pencil: Please pick up: Plunge Honey Nut Cheerios. LINDA Oh for Pete's sake! She catches herself, looks around. The snoring, off, continues. She looks out the window. The lights of the freeway twinkle. 28. 41 INT. YACHT - NIGHT 41 We are in the bedroom. The boat rides gently at anchor. Harry has an arm around Katie, in bed. Both stare at a point in space. After a beat that is silent except for the faint sloshing of water against hull: HARRY ... and then, you know, you grow up. I guess that's what's happened with me. You just... people change. We married when I was, what, in my mid- twenties. A kid. We were kids. Twenties. You think it's forever. Then, you know, you're older----you begin to feel your mortality, you start to think, well, there's no more

coughing

How many times the word 'coughing' appears in the text?

Burn After Reading Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS BURN AFTER READING Written by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen FADE IN 1 EXT. EASTERN SEABOARD - AERIALS - DAY 1 High in the air----so high we an see the curvature of the earth. The eastern seaboard stretches away, flecked with clouds. As we dissolve in closer the picture bleaches of color. We are looking down at the city of Washington, D.C. Dissolve closer still: a black-and-white aerial photograph of a neighborhood in suburban D.C. dominated by a sprawling building. Computer type quickly bleeps on: C.I.A. Headquarters Langley, Virginia 2 INT. CIA - HALLWAY - DAY 2 We track at floor level, following the well shined shoes of someone walking down the well polished hallway. 3 INT. PALMER'S OFFICE - DAY 3 We hear a door opening and a silver-haired man rises behind his desk. A nameplate on the desk identifies him as Palmer DeBakey Smith. PALMER Ozzie. Sit down. Osbourne Cox, entering, is a middle-aged man in a striped shirt and bow tie. OSBOURNE Palmer. What's up. PALMER You know Peck, and Olson. The two men, sitting on chairs facing the desk, nod at Osbourne, who is surprised to see them. OSBOURNE Peck, yes, hiya. Olson, by reputation. Hi, Osbourne Cox. OLSON Yeah, hiyah. 2. OSBOURNE Aren't you with...aren't you, uh... Palmer jumps in: PALMER Yeah, that's right. Oz, look. There's no easy way to say this. We're taking you off the Balkans desk. OSBOURNE You're----what? Why? PALMER In fact we're moving you out of Sigint entirely. OSBOURNE ...What? No discussion, just----you're out? PALMER Well, we're having the discussion now Oz. This doesn't have to be unpleasant. OSBOURNE Palmer, with all due respect----what the fuck are you talking about? A beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... And why is Olson here? Another uncomfortable beat. PALMER ... Look, Ozzie---- OSBOURNE What the fuck is this?! Is it my----I know it's not my work. PALMER Ozzie---- OSBOURNE I'm a great fucking analyst! Is it---- PALMER Oz, things are not going well. As you know. 3. PECK You have a drinking problem. Stunned silence. Ozzie turns to look at Peck. At length: OSBOURNE I have a drinking problem. PALMER This doesn't have to be unpleasant. We found you something in State. It's a, uh... He gropes, uncomfortable. PALMER (CONT'D) ... It's a lower clearance level. Yes. But we're not, this isn't, we're not terminating you. OSBOURNE (quietly) This is an assault. PECK Come on, Ozzie. OSBOURNE This is an assault. I have a drinking problem? Fuck you, Peck, you're a Mormon! PECK Ozzie---- OSBOURNE Next to you we all have a drinking problem! Fuck you guys! Whose ass didn't I kiss? Let's be honest! Palmer nods at Olson. PALMER Okay, Olson---- OSBOURNE Let's be fucking honest... Osbourne gets to his feet, agitated. 4. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... This is a crucifixion! This is political! Don't tell me it's not! He storms out the door. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I have a drinking problem! The door slams. Palmer Smith looks at Olson. Olson arches an eyebrow. 4 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 4 OSBOURNE Bow tie loosened, he stands at a kitchen counter. His shoulders twist as he does something below frame: we hear the crackle of ice cubes wrenching loose from a tray. Behind him we see the apartment door opening. Katie, an attractive middle-aged woman, enters, taking her key out of the door, but stops, surprised to see Osbourne. KATIE You're home. Osbourne continues making himself a drink. OSBOURNE Hang on to your hat, honey. I have some news. I---- KATIE Did you pick up the cheeses? OSBOURNE Huh? KATIE Were they ready? I didn't know you were coming home this early. OSBOURNE (blank) The cheeses. Katie rolls her eyes. 5. KATIE I left a message for you to stop at Todaro's. The Magruders and the Pfarrers are coming over. OSBOURNE The Pfarrers? Ugh. I----what did Kathleen say? KATIE What? OSBOURNE When you left the message? KATIE She said. She would give you. The message. OSBOURNE Well she, I don't know, I guess we had bigger news today. My day didn't revolve arou---- KATIE So you didn't get the cheeses. OSBOURNE Well, since I didn't get the message, no, I didn't get the cheeses. But hang on to your hat, I---- KATIE Oh for fuck's sake, Ozzie, you mean I have to go out again? All right, well, you better get dressed. OSBOURNE Honey, we have to talk. KATIE Not right now. They'll be here in, what, less than an hour. 5 INT. COX LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 5 A hand hovers, hesitates. VOICE Is this a, uh, goat cheese? OSBOURNE (OFF) Chevre, yes, that is a goat cheese. Pink Revision 8/14/07 6. Wider shows the cocktail party, meagerly attended but in full swing. Besides Osbourne and Katie there is Harry Pfarrer (who has just inquired about the cheese), bearded, forties, rugged; his wife Sandy; and a shiny-faced young couple, Doug and Tina Magruder. Osbourne holds a cocktail tumbler. HARRY Because I have lactose reflux. But I can---- OSBOURNE You're lactose intolerant? HARRY Yes, but I can---- OSBOURNE Or you have acid reflux? They're two different things. Harry looks at him coldly. HARRY I know what they are. OSBOURNE Then you misspoke yourself. So I---- HARRY Thank you for correcting me. KATIE You should try the chevre, Harry. It's very good. HARRY Yeah. I can eat goat cheese. He eats a piece, cupping one hand under his mouth. HARRY (CONT'D) ... I was just explaining to your husband here, I have a condition---- Katie tries to separate the two men by including Doug Magruder. KATIE Harry works with the Marshalls' * Service. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 6A. DOUG MAGRUDER Ah. I'm on the legislative side, I * work with Senator Hobby. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 7. HARRY * Used to work for Treasury, but I * didn't go over to Homeland Security. * I'm with the Marshalls. * OSBOURNE If you want he'll show you his great big gun. HARRY Very amusing. The gun is actually no big deal. Twenty years in the marshall's service and I've never discharged my weapon. OSBOURNE Sounds like something you should be telling your psychiatrist. HARRY What? I don't have a psychiatrist. DOUG MAGRUDER Boy, I guess my job is pretty undramatic. I'm on the legislative side. What do you do Mrs. Pfarrer? Do you also carry a gun? Harry laughs. HARRY Sandy writes children's books. SANDY I write children's books---- HARRY Oliver The Cat Who...Who..arghh----Who---- Choking on piece of cheese, coughing HARRY (CONT'D) ...Who Lives In The Rotunda. Excuse me. TINA Those are wonderful! My nieces and nephews---- 8. HARRY Yeah, it's a beloved series. You wouldn't believe her fan mail. Unghh. Are you sure this is goat cheese? KATIE Why don't you let your wife tell them about her own books, Harry? HARRY I'm sorry----was I---- KATIE Here, come in the kitchen, help me with the crudit s. 6 INT. COX KITCHEN - NIGHT 6 They enter. HARRY Goddamnit. He knows, doesn't he. He looks down at the floor. He stamps. HARRY (CONT'D) ... Nice floors. KATIE Knows what? Harry is looking around the kitchen, taking in the fixtures. Absently: HARRY About us, he knows about us. Little prick. KATIE Don't be an ass, he doesn't know a thing. Harry is staring down at the linoleum again. HARRY What is that, forbo? A6 EXT. STREET - NIGHT A6 A car drives by. 9. 7 INT. HARRY'S CAR - NIGHT 7 Harry driving, his wife next to him. A long beat. Finally: HARRY What a horse's ass. SANDY I don't know why we see them. Harry shrugs. HARRY Well, she's all right. SANDY She is a cold, stuck-up bitch. Harry opens his mouth to reply, considers, doesn't. They drive. 8 INT. COX MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT 8 KATIE She is staring, in front of a mirror, face covered in cold cream, one hand arrested on the way up to daub on more. KATIE You quit?! Osbourne is buttoning a pajama top. OSBOURNE Uh-huh. KATIE Well----Thank you for letting me know! OSBOURNE I tried to tell you this afternoon. KATIE You tried? You tried? And then---- what, the aphasia kicked in? OSBOURNE Our guests came. We---- 10. KATIE Why?! For fuck's sake, Ozzie! OSBOURNE I'm just----I don't know. I got so tired. KATIE You're tired. OSBOURNE Tired of swimming against the current. KATIE Uh-huh. OSBOURNE Independent thought is not only not valued there, they resist it, they fight it, the bureaucracy is positively---- KATIE Did you get a pension, or severance or something, or---- OSBOURNE I didn't retire you know, I, I quit. I don't want their benefits. KATIE But I suppose my benefits are all right, I suppose you can live with those, is that the idea? OSBOURNE It's not like that's the only way to make money. KATIE Yes? Yes? What're you gonna do? OSBOURNE I'll do some consulting. KATIE Consulting. OSBOURNE Yes, to help while I----I've always wanted to write. KATIE Write. Write what. 11. OSBOURNE I've been thinking about it. A book, a sort of, sort of memoir. Katie stares at him in the mirror. A beat. She bursts into laughter. 9 EXT. YACHT/AT SEA - DAY 9 THE BRIDGE A small yacht. Osbourne stands at the wheel, a light wind in his face, as the boat sails under motor power. After a beat he moves to the front of the boat. An old man sits on a bench on the prow facing out into the wind. He has snowy hair and a stern Yankee face. He wears a tweed cap. He doesn't much react to Osbourne's approach. OSBOURNE You okay there, Dad? The old man remains silent, staring. Osbourne sits next to him and idly tucks in the plaid blanket resting over the man's knees. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Dad, I left my job at the Agency... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I, uh... I'm sorry. Dad, government service is not what it was when you were in State. Things are different now. I don't know, maybe it's... it's... the Cold War ending; now it seems like it's all bureaucracy and no mission... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I'm writing a memoir. I think it's going to be pretty explosive. But I don't think you'll disapprove. I don't think you'll disapprove. Katie has had trouble accepting it. (MORE) 12. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) But... sometimes there's a higher patriotism, Dad. So we'll... Yes, change is hard. It's hard on Katie. But we'll be okay. We'll be okay. Life is change. This is good. We were all blocked up, Katie and me. This is, this is a blessing in disguise. I'll go into training, you know. Lay off the sauce. Like you did. You managed to do it. Finally. And then I can concentrate on, you know. New beginning. And this'll all have been for the best. Don't you think Dad? The old man stares out into the wind. Osbourne sniffles. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Cold. He taps the old man on the knee and rises. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I guess we should head back. 10 EXT. PIER - DAY 10 LONG SHOT THRU THE WINDSHIELD OF A CAR The sailboat docked at the end of a marina. Osbourne is pushing the old man in a wheel chair down the pier away from the boat. A MAN'S VOICE We've seen this... 11 INT. LAW FIRM - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY 11 THE MAN White hair, bushy eyebrows, a florid face. He is in a law- book lined conference room. He wears an expensive suit, suspenders, a white shirt with blue collar and cuffs. He is Bogus Terikhian. TERIKHIAN ... I know this kind of man. We've seen this. 13. Wider on the conference room shows that Katie Cox sits at the table, along with Terikhian, another lawyer, and an assistant. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Mrs. Cox, you can't let this man take advantage of you. And he will. He will. KATIE Yes. This is my fear. He's trying---- he says----he's trying to pull himself together, but... TERIKHIAN Look, sure, I----I'm obliged to tell you you should try to salvage things. And you should. People turn themselves around. Not unheard-of. But. You---- you haven't broached the possibility of divorce yet? KATIE No. TERIKHIAN Well that's good. Because first you should get all his financials. Before he's forewarned. Because here's a man, here's a man, practiced in deceit, this is almost, you could say it's his job, practiced at hiding things, and there is no reason, it is not improper, there is no reason for you not to get a picture of the household finances. Paper files, computer files, whatever----this is your prerogative. You can be a spy too, madam. Do this before you put him on alert. Before the turtle can draw in his head and his, uh... He waggles his hands, groping for the word. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Feet. He shrugs. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... And hopefully everything will work out. He will reform. But! If not: forewarned is forearmed. 14. 12 INT. COX HOUSE - DAY 12 Osbourne is splayed on an easy chair, wearing a bathrobe over pyjamas. He stares at the ceiling, motionless, arms out- flung, like Marat in his bathtub. A long still beat. A clock ticks. Abruptly Osbourne raises one hand to speak into a microcassette recorder. OSBOURNE We were young and committed and there was nothing we couldn't do. We thought of the Agency less as... less as... The thought, such as it was, peters out. Osbourne rises and wanders around the room, glassy-eyed. He suddenly raises the microcassette again. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... The principles of George Kennan----a personal hero of mine----were what animated us. In fact they were what had originally inspired me to enter government service. Like the State Department's China Hands of yore, or, in a different forum, in a different venue, in a different medium, in, um... "Murrow's Boys," the fabled----in a different---- He suddenly stops, head cocked, listening. Faintly, a ringing phone. 13 INT. COX BASEMENT STAIRWAY - DAY 13 At the cut Osbourne is thundering down a steep carpeted stairway. He inclines his head to clear the ceiling that juts over the bottom half of the stairwell. The phone is louder here. 14 INT. COX BASEMENT - DAY 14 A semi-finished basement with cheap paneling and a low dropped ceiling of water-stained Johnson-Armstrong tile. The ringing phone is on a cheap government-surplus desk. The answering machine, with Osbourne's voice, picks up: 15. MACHINE You have reached The Cox Group... Osbourne, robe flapping, shuffles hurriedly in his slippered feet toward the phone. MACHINE (CONT'D) ... We can't answer your call right now. Please leave a---- OSBOURNE (heavy breathing) Hello. He eases into the chair, having swiped up the phone. A listening beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Yes?... Oh, no... No, call her number... No, upstairs...No she's not, but leave it on her machine. 15 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY - LATER 15 We are looking over Osbourne's shoulder----he is still in his robe----as he sits hunched on an ottoman, looking at a daytime game show. A few beats of the show. Roaring laughter from the studio audience. Mild chuckle from Osbourne in the foreground. 16 INT LIVING ROOM - DAY - STILL LATER 16 Ticking clock. Osbourne paces with the microcassette recorder. He raises it with a thought, draws a breath, and then stops, and looks off. The ticking grandfather clock: ornate hands on an ornate clock face Two or three minutes to five. Osbourne stares for a long beat. 17 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 17 OSBOURNE Shoulders twisting as we hear ice clattering out of a tray. He pours coke sizzling onto the ice. 16. He pauses for a long beat. He takes a bottle of rum out of a cabinet. He pours some into a hatch-marked shot glass. He looks at it. The amber liquid tops the hatch mark. He conscientiously pours the overage back, murmuring: OSBOURNE Single... He dumps the shot into the Coke. 18 EXT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 18 As before, the boat, docked at the end of the marina pier, is seen in long shot through the windshield of a car. Closer on the boat. As water laps against pilings and the boat gently bobs and creaks, we hear, muffled, the sounds of a couple having sex. When it builds to climax we cut: 19 INT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 19 Minutes later. We hold on a door for a quiet beat, then we hear the gurgle of water, and then the door opens. Harry Pfarrer emerges from the small bathroom, buckling his belt. In the bedroom which he emerges into Katie Cox is just finishing dressing. Harry looks at his watch. HARRY I should try to get a run in. 20 INT. COX HOUSE - DUSK 20 Katie is letting herself in. KATIE Ozzie! Quiet. 21 INT. KITCHEN - DUSK 21 Katie enters and sees a note on the counter paperweighted by a plate of used lime wedges: 17. Honey, At Fenninger's. Reunion committee dinner. See you later. 22 EXT. POTOMAC BRIDGE - DUSK 22 Long-lens, hand-held, point-of-view seeming: Harry Pfarrer is jogging in his Treasury sweats. Closer on him. Brow furrows. He spins, jogs backwards, looking. His point-of-view: nothing unusual; traffic on the bridge, no pedestrians particularly close. Harry, mildly puzzled, slows and stops. He turns again. Point-of-view up the bridge: empty. Harry starts jogging again. 23 INT. COX BASEMENT - NIGHT 23 We are tracking toward the desk in the corner, at which Katie sits. She cracks open a CD case and loads the CD into Osbourne's computer. A suspense drone builds as we track in. Katie starts typing, then suddenly stops. She holds still, listening for noises in the house. Nothing. She resumes typing. We hear male voices beginning to swell in song. The voices continue after the suspense drone snaps off, at the cut to: 24 INT. FENNINGER'S - NIGHT 24 A musty steakhouse. On the walls are hunting-scene prints and steel engravings of English country houses. A placard resting on a chair outside the Georgian Room: CLOSED FOR PRIVATE PARTY. From inside the room, male voices: VOICES Tune every heart and every voice... 18. 25 INT. FENNINGER'S - GEORGIAN ROOM - NIGHT 25 A dozen middle-aged men around a long table, each holding high a glass. MEN ... Bid every care withdraw. Let all with one accord rejoice... The men are sweaty, tie-loosened, dinner-stuffed and boozy. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau... Close on Osbourne as a rotund middle-aged classmate fills his glass to brimming. The two sway unsteadily with the music.. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau my boys, Hoo-rah, hoo-rah, hoorah! All swing their glasses side-to-side in rhythm: MEN (CONT'D) ... Her sons... shall give... while they... shall live... Glasses are thrust high with a ringing finish: MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau! 26 INT. EXAM ROOM - DAY 26 A WOMAN'S ASS Bare. Pale. Middle-aged. Someone with a marker is drawing on the flesh to illustrate: DOCTOR (OFF) We take all the chicken fat off your buttocks, here... and here... And the upper arms. And a little off your tummy... The camera is arcing around a standing, naked, middle-aged woman, to reveal the doctor sitting on a stool in the examining room, facing her. He reaches forward again with the marker. 19. DOCTOR (OFF) (CONT'D) ...And we do breast augmentation with a tiny incision here... and here. PATIENT (OFF) Uh-huh. And what about the thigh area? DOCTOR Well we can do liposuction there as well, but that area will respond to exercise. Buttocks and upper arms begin to store more fat when you get up around forty, the body just tells it to go there, but the thighs will respond to toning exercises. PATIENT Uh-huh. I know, I can work out on my arms til the cows come home, but... DOCTOR Uh-huh. And of course there are also genetic factors. PATIENT The Litzkes are big. DOCTOR Uh-huh, well everything's---- PATIENT My mom had an ass that could pull a bus. DOCTOR Wow. Well that's a predispo---- PATIENT Father's side too, although Dad tends to carry his weight in front of him. DOCTOR Uh-huh. PATIENT In the gut area. Derriere, not so much. DOCTOR Okay. The continuing track around is also booming up to reveal the face of the patient, Linda Litzke. 20. LINDA And what about the face, you know, the window to the soul. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Very well put. Well your eyes are one of your best features. But we can do something about the incipient crow's feet. LINDA Baby crow's feet. Little chickling's feet. I mean chicks. Chickie chickie chickie. DOCTOR Ha-ha, yes, again, well put. You have a way with words. We cut here... He marks. DOCTOR (CONT'D) ... And we pull the skin tight, like stretching the skin over a drum. Not too tight, though. We don't want that "worked-on" look. You need sufficient slack for the face to remain expressive. LINDA Yeah, I don't wanna look like Boris Karloff. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Heh-heh, so you don't want a sex change! LINDA No, I'm all woman! 27 INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY 27 Doctor and patient, now dressed, sit on either side of a desk. DOCTOR So Linda, what we're talking about here is four different procedures. (ticks them off) The liposuction... The rhinoplasty... The facial tuck, which I would strongly recommend over the chemical peel---- 21. LINDA Yeah, I don't want to get anything burned off. DOCTOR And why should you. With that lovely skin. And lastly, the breast augmentation. Now we can also do something about the vaccine scar----I don't know if you wear sleeveless dresses much---- LINDA Not with these ham hocks! DOCTOR Yes, well once they're nice and svelte, post-op, you---- LINDA Well I don't know. Is the vaccine thing----can you counsel me on this? I don't know, is it unsightly? I see it a lot, a bunch of people have it. DOCTOR Absolutely! Some women don't mind it at all! Personal taste! 28 INT. HARDBODIES - DAY 28 Linda Litzke, in a Hardbodies polo shirt with "Linda" stitched on the breast, leans out of her semi-enclosed office on the gym floor. LINDA Chad! 29 INT. HARDBODIES - GYM FLOOR - DAY 29 Chad Feldheimer, trainer, fortyish and well-muscled, has a gym patron up on a table and is helping him stretch a leg back. PATRON Ow! CHAD I'm sorry, was that too much? 22. PATRON I felt a straining... a tightness in the... in the front of my ass... CHAD Well you're pretty tight. You have to feel it or---- LINDA (on the public address) Chad Feldheimer. Office. CHAD I'll be back in a minute. We'll work on opening those hips. 30 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY 30 Linda is tapping at her computer as Chad enters. LINDA I got a batch from BeWithMeDC dot com. Chad perches on the desk, chewing gum as he gazes at the screen. CHAD Oh wow. Any good? LINDA I don't know yet, just looking... How do you open this? CHAD Click on, uh... yeah... LINDA Oh my god! CHAD What? LINDA Oh my God, what a loser! She clicks. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser! She clicks. Chad is laughing. Linda scowls. 23. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser!... What is this! They should call this Mr. Saggy dot com. CHAD Cripes. LINDA Loser! CHAD Did you have to send a picture? LINDA No, only guys do. I submitted a verbal profile, turn-ons, turn-offs, et cetera. I'm really looking for someone with a sense of humor. CHAD That guy----wait----that guy wasn't bad. LINDA Him? CHAD No, before. LINDA Him? CHAD Yeah. He uh, he might not be a loser. LINDA How can you tell? CHAD That's a Brioni suit. LINDA Oh yeah? CHAD Shit yeah. LINDA (dubious) Does he look like he has a sense of humor? CHAD He looks like his optometrist has a sense of humor. 24. Linda slaps his arm. CHAD (CONT'D) ... Huh-huh-huh. What does he do? LINDA State Department. CHAD That's cool. LINDA His hair is... what is that? CHAD Plugs. 31 INT. GYM - NEXT DAY 31 Linda is showing someone around the floor. LINDA This is the cardio area. A lot of machines here so that, believe me, there's never a wait. What you're seeing now, this is our busiest time, and there's still a couple of open treadmills I see, three Stairmasters---- I call it the Butt-Blaster----couple of LifeCycles----Hi, Chad. Chad is working with a medicine ball and a heavy young woman. CHAD Hi Linda. Did you call that guy? LINDA Not yet! Chad is one of our trainers. I've just started internet dating and I got my first look at the, uh... CUSTOMER What service? LINDA BeWithMeDC dot com? CUSTOMER Nice. LINDA Have you used them? 25. CUSTOMER No----two friends did and they're both hooked up. With really special guys. LINDA That's fantastic. 32 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - LATER 32 Linda is leaning forward at her desk, phone wedged between ear and shoulder, one hand up at her forehead. After a long still beat: LINDA Yes! Another still beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... English! Beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Agent! Beat. LINDA DRIVING ... Agent! Agent! Beat. LINDA ... Yes, hi, this is Linda Litzke, should I give you my account number? You have it up? Okay. I was informed that I needed pre-approval for these surgeries, and then... Yes, it was denied. Listening, then: LINDA (CONT'D) ...No, those are four different operations... It's very complicated; I'm reinventing myself, it's a whole new look so it isn't just one thing, however, it's all approved by my doctor... But----madam! This is not----my job involves, you know, public interface! This is not... 26. Her jaw sets. She controls her fury. Quieter: LINDA (CONT'D) ... Yes I do understand. Could I speak to your supervisor please? 33 INT. TED'S OFFICE/LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY - MINUTES LATER 33 We are on a long lens point-of-view, from several cubicles over, of Linda, now slumped at her desk, head in her arms. We faintly hear her sobbing. Reverse shows Ted Treffon, middle-aged, balding, the soulful manager of Hardbodies. He looks at Linda, puzzled and a little alarmed. He tenses as if to rise but doesn't, and hovers uncomfortably, unsure of whether to intrude. 34 EXT. WASHINGTON MALL - DAY 34 Linda walks down the promenade dressed in a smart pant suit. Her moving POV passes over a couple in conversation, an old woman feeding the birds, a man in a business suit reading a newspaper. She passes the man and turns around. He has looked up from the paper and is staring at her. He wears aviator-shaped glasses with clear plastic rims. He may have hair plugs. LINDA Alan? MAN (ALAN) Are you, uh... Linda? 35 EXT. CIRCLE THEATRE - DUSK 35 A poster advertises Totally Stoked! with Dermot Mulroney and Claire Danes. 36 INT. THEATRE - NIGHT 36 On the screen, Dermot Mulroney, dressed in a tuxedo, cranes his head to look steeply up and off. Linda sits next to Alan in the half-empty theatre, nervously watching the screen. 27. DERMOT (OFF) First you tell me that you can't commit, then you----WOULD YOU GET DOWN FROM THERE! Linda laughs raucously, then catches herself and looks at Alan. 37 INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT 37 The couple sit across from each other at a small table. They pick at their food. 38 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - NIGHT 38 The couple are making love in the dark room on a frilly comforter. Alan, still wearing his glasses, wheezes asthmatically. 39 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - LATER 39 Alan is snoring. After a long beat Linda gets up and puts on a robe. She bends down near the bed and picks something up out of Alan's trousers. 40 INT. LINDA'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 40 She sits into a chair near the window in the dark room and opens Alan's wallet. A Discover card, driver's license, a condom. A photograph of Alan holding a large bluefish. She unfolds a piece of notepaper. Written in a feminine hand in pencil: Please pick up: Plunge Honey Nut Cheerios. LINDA Oh for Pete's sake! She catches herself, looks around. The snoring, off, continues. She looks out the window. The lights of the freeway twinkle. 28. 41 INT. YACHT - NIGHT 41 We are in the bedroom. The boat rides gently at anchor. Harry has an arm around Katie, in bed. Both stare at a point in space. After a beat that is silent except for the faint sloshing of water against hull: HARRY ... and then, you know, you grow up. I guess that's what's happened with me. You just... people change. We married when I was, what, in my mid- twenties. A kid. We were kids. Twenties. You think it's forever. Then, you know, you're older----you begin to feel your mortality, you start to think, well, there's no more

ozzie----

How many times the word 'ozzie----' appears in the text?

Burn After Reading Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS BURN AFTER READING Written by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen FADE IN 1 EXT. EASTERN SEABOARD - AERIALS - DAY 1 High in the air----so high we an see the curvature of the earth. The eastern seaboard stretches away, flecked with clouds. As we dissolve in closer the picture bleaches of color. We are looking down at the city of Washington, D.C. Dissolve closer still: a black-and-white aerial photograph of a neighborhood in suburban D.C. dominated by a sprawling building. Computer type quickly bleeps on: C.I.A. Headquarters Langley, Virginia 2 INT. CIA - HALLWAY - DAY 2 We track at floor level, following the well shined shoes of someone walking down the well polished hallway. 3 INT. PALMER'S OFFICE - DAY 3 We hear a door opening and a silver-haired man rises behind his desk. A nameplate on the desk identifies him as Palmer DeBakey Smith. PALMER Ozzie. Sit down. Osbourne Cox, entering, is a middle-aged man in a striped shirt and bow tie. OSBOURNE Palmer. What's up. PALMER You know Peck, and Olson. The two men, sitting on chairs facing the desk, nod at Osbourne, who is surprised to see them. OSBOURNE Peck, yes, hiya. Olson, by reputation. Hi, Osbourne Cox. OLSON Yeah, hiyah. 2. OSBOURNE Aren't you with...aren't you, uh... Palmer jumps in: PALMER Yeah, that's right. Oz, look. There's no easy way to say this. We're taking you off the Balkans desk. OSBOURNE You're----what? Why? PALMER In fact we're moving you out of Sigint entirely. OSBOURNE ...What? No discussion, just----you're out? PALMER Well, we're having the discussion now Oz. This doesn't have to be unpleasant. OSBOURNE Palmer, with all due respect----what the fuck are you talking about? A beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... And why is Olson here? Another uncomfortable beat. PALMER ... Look, Ozzie---- OSBOURNE What the fuck is this?! Is it my----I know it's not my work. PALMER Ozzie---- OSBOURNE I'm a great fucking analyst! Is it---- PALMER Oz, things are not going well. As you know. 3. PECK You have a drinking problem. Stunned silence. Ozzie turns to look at Peck. At length: OSBOURNE I have a drinking problem. PALMER This doesn't have to be unpleasant. We found you something in State. It's a, uh... He gropes, uncomfortable. PALMER (CONT'D) ... It's a lower clearance level. Yes. But we're not, this isn't, we're not terminating you. OSBOURNE (quietly) This is an assault. PECK Come on, Ozzie. OSBOURNE This is an assault. I have a drinking problem? Fuck you, Peck, you're a Mormon! PECK Ozzie---- OSBOURNE Next to you we all have a drinking problem! Fuck you guys! Whose ass didn't I kiss? Let's be honest! Palmer nods at Olson. PALMER Okay, Olson---- OSBOURNE Let's be fucking honest... Osbourne gets to his feet, agitated. 4. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... This is a crucifixion! This is political! Don't tell me it's not! He storms out the door. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I have a drinking problem! The door slams. Palmer Smith looks at Olson. Olson arches an eyebrow. 4 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 4 OSBOURNE Bow tie loosened, he stands at a kitchen counter. His shoulders twist as he does something below frame: we hear the crackle of ice cubes wrenching loose from a tray. Behind him we see the apartment door opening. Katie, an attractive middle-aged woman, enters, taking her key out of the door, but stops, surprised to see Osbourne. KATIE You're home. Osbourne continues making himself a drink. OSBOURNE Hang on to your hat, honey. I have some news. I---- KATIE Did you pick up the cheeses? OSBOURNE Huh? KATIE Were they ready? I didn't know you were coming home this early. OSBOURNE (blank) The cheeses. Katie rolls her eyes. 5. KATIE I left a message for you to stop at Todaro's. The Magruders and the Pfarrers are coming over. OSBOURNE The Pfarrers? Ugh. I----what did Kathleen say? KATIE What? OSBOURNE When you left the message? KATIE She said. She would give you. The message. OSBOURNE Well she, I don't know, I guess we had bigger news today. My day didn't revolve arou---- KATIE So you didn't get the cheeses. OSBOURNE Well, since I didn't get the message, no, I didn't get the cheeses. But hang on to your hat, I---- KATIE Oh for fuck's sake, Ozzie, you mean I have to go out again? All right, well, you better get dressed. OSBOURNE Honey, we have to talk. KATIE Not right now. They'll be here in, what, less than an hour. 5 INT. COX LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 5 A hand hovers, hesitates. VOICE Is this a, uh, goat cheese? OSBOURNE (OFF) Chevre, yes, that is a goat cheese. Pink Revision 8/14/07 6. Wider shows the cocktail party, meagerly attended but in full swing. Besides Osbourne and Katie there is Harry Pfarrer (who has just inquired about the cheese), bearded, forties, rugged; his wife Sandy; and a shiny-faced young couple, Doug and Tina Magruder. Osbourne holds a cocktail tumbler. HARRY Because I have lactose reflux. But I can---- OSBOURNE You're lactose intolerant? HARRY Yes, but I can---- OSBOURNE Or you have acid reflux? They're two different things. Harry looks at him coldly. HARRY I know what they are. OSBOURNE Then you misspoke yourself. So I---- HARRY Thank you for correcting me. KATIE You should try the chevre, Harry. It's very good. HARRY Yeah. I can eat goat cheese. He eats a piece, cupping one hand under his mouth. HARRY (CONT'D) ... I was just explaining to your husband here, I have a condition---- Katie tries to separate the two men by including Doug Magruder. KATIE Harry works with the Marshalls' * Service. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 6A. DOUG MAGRUDER Ah. I'm on the legislative side, I * work with Senator Hobby. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 7. HARRY * Used to work for Treasury, but I * didn't go over to Homeland Security. * I'm with the Marshalls. * OSBOURNE If you want he'll show you his great big gun. HARRY Very amusing. The gun is actually no big deal. Twenty years in the marshall's service and I've never discharged my weapon. OSBOURNE Sounds like something you should be telling your psychiatrist. HARRY What? I don't have a psychiatrist. DOUG MAGRUDER Boy, I guess my job is pretty undramatic. I'm on the legislative side. What do you do Mrs. Pfarrer? Do you also carry a gun? Harry laughs. HARRY Sandy writes children's books. SANDY I write children's books---- HARRY Oliver The Cat Who...Who..arghh----Who---- Choking on piece of cheese, coughing HARRY (CONT'D) ...Who Lives In The Rotunda. Excuse me. TINA Those are wonderful! My nieces and nephews---- 8. HARRY Yeah, it's a beloved series. You wouldn't believe her fan mail. Unghh. Are you sure this is goat cheese? KATIE Why don't you let your wife tell them about her own books, Harry? HARRY I'm sorry----was I---- KATIE Here, come in the kitchen, help me with the crudit s. 6 INT. COX KITCHEN - NIGHT 6 They enter. HARRY Goddamnit. He knows, doesn't he. He looks down at the floor. He stamps. HARRY (CONT'D) ... Nice floors. KATIE Knows what? Harry is looking around the kitchen, taking in the fixtures. Absently: HARRY About us, he knows about us. Little prick. KATIE Don't be an ass, he doesn't know a thing. Harry is staring down at the linoleum again. HARRY What is that, forbo? A6 EXT. STREET - NIGHT A6 A car drives by. 9. 7 INT. HARRY'S CAR - NIGHT 7 Harry driving, his wife next to him. A long beat. Finally: HARRY What a horse's ass. SANDY I don't know why we see them. Harry shrugs. HARRY Well, she's all right. SANDY She is a cold, stuck-up bitch. Harry opens his mouth to reply, considers, doesn't. They drive. 8 INT. COX MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT 8 KATIE She is staring, in front of a mirror, face covered in cold cream, one hand arrested on the way up to daub on more. KATIE You quit?! Osbourne is buttoning a pajama top. OSBOURNE Uh-huh. KATIE Well----Thank you for letting me know! OSBOURNE I tried to tell you this afternoon. KATIE You tried? You tried? And then---- what, the aphasia kicked in? OSBOURNE Our guests came. We---- 10. KATIE Why?! For fuck's sake, Ozzie! OSBOURNE I'm just----I don't know. I got so tired. KATIE You're tired. OSBOURNE Tired of swimming against the current. KATIE Uh-huh. OSBOURNE Independent thought is not only not valued there, they resist it, they fight it, the bureaucracy is positively---- KATIE Did you get a pension, or severance or something, or---- OSBOURNE I didn't retire you know, I, I quit. I don't want their benefits. KATIE But I suppose my benefits are all right, I suppose you can live with those, is that the idea? OSBOURNE It's not like that's the only way to make money. KATIE Yes? Yes? What're you gonna do? OSBOURNE I'll do some consulting. KATIE Consulting. OSBOURNE Yes, to help while I----I've always wanted to write. KATIE Write. Write what. 11. OSBOURNE I've been thinking about it. A book, a sort of, sort of memoir. Katie stares at him in the mirror. A beat. She bursts into laughter. 9 EXT. YACHT/AT SEA - DAY 9 THE BRIDGE A small yacht. Osbourne stands at the wheel, a light wind in his face, as the boat sails under motor power. After a beat he moves to the front of the boat. An old man sits on a bench on the prow facing out into the wind. He has snowy hair and a stern Yankee face. He wears a tweed cap. He doesn't much react to Osbourne's approach. OSBOURNE You okay there, Dad? The old man remains silent, staring. Osbourne sits next to him and idly tucks in the plaid blanket resting over the man's knees. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Dad, I left my job at the Agency... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I, uh... I'm sorry. Dad, government service is not what it was when you were in State. Things are different now. I don't know, maybe it's... it's... the Cold War ending; now it seems like it's all bureaucracy and no mission... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I'm writing a memoir. I think it's going to be pretty explosive. But I don't think you'll disapprove. I don't think you'll disapprove. Katie has had trouble accepting it. (MORE) 12. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) But... sometimes there's a higher patriotism, Dad. So we'll... Yes, change is hard. It's hard on Katie. But we'll be okay. We'll be okay. Life is change. This is good. We were all blocked up, Katie and me. This is, this is a blessing in disguise. I'll go into training, you know. Lay off the sauce. Like you did. You managed to do it. Finally. And then I can concentrate on, you know. New beginning. And this'll all have been for the best. Don't you think Dad? The old man stares out into the wind. Osbourne sniffles. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Cold. He taps the old man on the knee and rises. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I guess we should head back. 10 EXT. PIER - DAY 10 LONG SHOT THRU THE WINDSHIELD OF A CAR The sailboat docked at the end of a marina. Osbourne is pushing the old man in a wheel chair down the pier away from the boat. A MAN'S VOICE We've seen this... 11 INT. LAW FIRM - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY 11 THE MAN White hair, bushy eyebrows, a florid face. He is in a law- book lined conference room. He wears an expensive suit, suspenders, a white shirt with blue collar and cuffs. He is Bogus Terikhian. TERIKHIAN ... I know this kind of man. We've seen this. 13. Wider on the conference room shows that Katie Cox sits at the table, along with Terikhian, another lawyer, and an assistant. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Mrs. Cox, you can't let this man take advantage of you. And he will. He will. KATIE Yes. This is my fear. He's trying---- he says----he's trying to pull himself together, but... TERIKHIAN Look, sure, I----I'm obliged to tell you you should try to salvage things. And you should. People turn themselves around. Not unheard-of. But. You---- you haven't broached the possibility of divorce yet? KATIE No. TERIKHIAN Well that's good. Because first you should get all his financials. Before he's forewarned. Because here's a man, here's a man, practiced in deceit, this is almost, you could say it's his job, practiced at hiding things, and there is no reason, it is not improper, there is no reason for you not to get a picture of the household finances. Paper files, computer files, whatever----this is your prerogative. You can be a spy too, madam. Do this before you put him on alert. Before the turtle can draw in his head and his, uh... He waggles his hands, groping for the word. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Feet. He shrugs. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... And hopefully everything will work out. He will reform. But! If not: forewarned is forearmed. 14. 12 INT. COX HOUSE - DAY 12 Osbourne is splayed on an easy chair, wearing a bathrobe over pyjamas. He stares at the ceiling, motionless, arms out- flung, like Marat in his bathtub. A long still beat. A clock ticks. Abruptly Osbourne raises one hand to speak into a microcassette recorder. OSBOURNE We were young and committed and there was nothing we couldn't do. We thought of the Agency less as... less as... The thought, such as it was, peters out. Osbourne rises and wanders around the room, glassy-eyed. He suddenly raises the microcassette again. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... The principles of George Kennan----a personal hero of mine----were what animated us. In fact they were what had originally inspired me to enter government service. Like the State Department's China Hands of yore, or, in a different forum, in a different venue, in a different medium, in, um... "Murrow's Boys," the fabled----in a different---- He suddenly stops, head cocked, listening. Faintly, a ringing phone. 13 INT. COX BASEMENT STAIRWAY - DAY 13 At the cut Osbourne is thundering down a steep carpeted stairway. He inclines his head to clear the ceiling that juts over the bottom half of the stairwell. The phone is louder here. 14 INT. COX BASEMENT - DAY 14 A semi-finished basement with cheap paneling and a low dropped ceiling of water-stained Johnson-Armstrong tile. The ringing phone is on a cheap government-surplus desk. The answering machine, with Osbourne's voice, picks up: 15. MACHINE You have reached The Cox Group... Osbourne, robe flapping, shuffles hurriedly in his slippered feet toward the phone. MACHINE (CONT'D) ... We can't answer your call right now. Please leave a---- OSBOURNE (heavy breathing) Hello. He eases into the chair, having swiped up the phone. A listening beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Yes?... Oh, no... No, call her number... No, upstairs...No she's not, but leave it on her machine. 15 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY - LATER 15 We are looking over Osbourne's shoulder----he is still in his robe----as he sits hunched on an ottoman, looking at a daytime game show. A few beats of the show. Roaring laughter from the studio audience. Mild chuckle from Osbourne in the foreground. 16 INT LIVING ROOM - DAY - STILL LATER 16 Ticking clock. Osbourne paces with the microcassette recorder. He raises it with a thought, draws a breath, and then stops, and looks off. The ticking grandfather clock: ornate hands on an ornate clock face Two or three minutes to five. Osbourne stares for a long beat. 17 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 17 OSBOURNE Shoulders twisting as we hear ice clattering out of a tray. He pours coke sizzling onto the ice. 16. He pauses for a long beat. He takes a bottle of rum out of a cabinet. He pours some into a hatch-marked shot glass. He looks at it. The amber liquid tops the hatch mark. He conscientiously pours the overage back, murmuring: OSBOURNE Single... He dumps the shot into the Coke. 18 EXT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 18 As before, the boat, docked at the end of the marina pier, is seen in long shot through the windshield of a car. Closer on the boat. As water laps against pilings and the boat gently bobs and creaks, we hear, muffled, the sounds of a couple having sex. When it builds to climax we cut: 19 INT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 19 Minutes later. We hold on a door for a quiet beat, then we hear the gurgle of water, and then the door opens. Harry Pfarrer emerges from the small bathroom, buckling his belt. In the bedroom which he emerges into Katie Cox is just finishing dressing. Harry looks at his watch. HARRY I should try to get a run in. 20 INT. COX HOUSE - DUSK 20 Katie is letting herself in. KATIE Ozzie! Quiet. 21 INT. KITCHEN - DUSK 21 Katie enters and sees a note on the counter paperweighted by a plate of used lime wedges: 17. Honey, At Fenninger's. Reunion committee dinner. See you later. 22 EXT. POTOMAC BRIDGE - DUSK 22 Long-lens, hand-held, point-of-view seeming: Harry Pfarrer is jogging in his Treasury sweats. Closer on him. Brow furrows. He spins, jogs backwards, looking. His point-of-view: nothing unusual; traffic on the bridge, no pedestrians particularly close. Harry, mildly puzzled, slows and stops. He turns again. Point-of-view up the bridge: empty. Harry starts jogging again. 23 INT. COX BASEMENT - NIGHT 23 We are tracking toward the desk in the corner, at which Katie sits. She cracks open a CD case and loads the CD into Osbourne's computer. A suspense drone builds as we track in. Katie starts typing, then suddenly stops. She holds still, listening for noises in the house. Nothing. She resumes typing. We hear male voices beginning to swell in song. The voices continue after the suspense drone snaps off, at the cut to: 24 INT. FENNINGER'S - NIGHT 24 A musty steakhouse. On the walls are hunting-scene prints and steel engravings of English country houses. A placard resting on a chair outside the Georgian Room: CLOSED FOR PRIVATE PARTY. From inside the room, male voices: VOICES Tune every heart and every voice... 18. 25 INT. FENNINGER'S - GEORGIAN ROOM - NIGHT 25 A dozen middle-aged men around a long table, each holding high a glass. MEN ... Bid every care withdraw. Let all with one accord rejoice... The men are sweaty, tie-loosened, dinner-stuffed and boozy. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau... Close on Osbourne as a rotund middle-aged classmate fills his glass to brimming. The two sway unsteadily with the music.. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau my boys, Hoo-rah, hoo-rah, hoorah! All swing their glasses side-to-side in rhythm: MEN (CONT'D) ... Her sons... shall give... while they... shall live... Glasses are thrust high with a ringing finish: MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau! 26 INT. EXAM ROOM - DAY 26 A WOMAN'S ASS Bare. Pale. Middle-aged. Someone with a marker is drawing on the flesh to illustrate: DOCTOR (OFF) We take all the chicken fat off your buttocks, here... and here... And the upper arms. And a little off your tummy... The camera is arcing around a standing, naked, middle-aged woman, to reveal the doctor sitting on a stool in the examining room, facing her. He reaches forward again with the marker. 19. DOCTOR (OFF) (CONT'D) ...And we do breast augmentation with a tiny incision here... and here. PATIENT (OFF) Uh-huh. And what about the thigh area? DOCTOR Well we can do liposuction there as well, but that area will respond to exercise. Buttocks and upper arms begin to store more fat when you get up around forty, the body just tells it to go there, but the thighs will respond to toning exercises. PATIENT Uh-huh. I know, I can work out on my arms til the cows come home, but... DOCTOR Uh-huh. And of course there are also genetic factors. PATIENT The Litzkes are big. DOCTOR Uh-huh, well everything's---- PATIENT My mom had an ass that could pull a bus. DOCTOR Wow. Well that's a predispo---- PATIENT Father's side too, although Dad tends to carry his weight in front of him. DOCTOR Uh-huh. PATIENT In the gut area. Derriere, not so much. DOCTOR Okay. The continuing track around is also booming up to reveal the face of the patient, Linda Litzke. 20. LINDA And what about the face, you know, the window to the soul. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Very well put. Well your eyes are one of your best features. But we can do something about the incipient crow's feet. LINDA Baby crow's feet. Little chickling's feet. I mean chicks. Chickie chickie chickie. DOCTOR Ha-ha, yes, again, well put. You have a way with words. We cut here... He marks. DOCTOR (CONT'D) ... And we pull the skin tight, like stretching the skin over a drum. Not too tight, though. We don't want that "worked-on" look. You need sufficient slack for the face to remain expressive. LINDA Yeah, I don't wanna look like Boris Karloff. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Heh-heh, so you don't want a sex change! LINDA No, I'm all woman! 27 INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY 27 Doctor and patient, now dressed, sit on either side of a desk. DOCTOR So Linda, what we're talking about here is four different procedures. (ticks them off) The liposuction... The rhinoplasty... The facial tuck, which I would strongly recommend over the chemical peel---- 21. LINDA Yeah, I don't want to get anything burned off. DOCTOR And why should you. With that lovely skin. And lastly, the breast augmentation. Now we can also do something about the vaccine scar----I don't know if you wear sleeveless dresses much---- LINDA Not with these ham hocks! DOCTOR Yes, well once they're nice and svelte, post-op, you---- LINDA Well I don't know. Is the vaccine thing----can you counsel me on this? I don't know, is it unsightly? I see it a lot, a bunch of people have it. DOCTOR Absolutely! Some women don't mind it at all! Personal taste! 28 INT. HARDBODIES - DAY 28 Linda Litzke, in a Hardbodies polo shirt with "Linda" stitched on the breast, leans out of her semi-enclosed office on the gym floor. LINDA Chad! 29 INT. HARDBODIES - GYM FLOOR - DAY 29 Chad Feldheimer, trainer, fortyish and well-muscled, has a gym patron up on a table and is helping him stretch a leg back. PATRON Ow! CHAD I'm sorry, was that too much? 22. PATRON I felt a straining... a tightness in the... in the front of my ass... CHAD Well you're pretty tight. You have to feel it or---- LINDA (on the public address) Chad Feldheimer. Office. CHAD I'll be back in a minute. We'll work on opening those hips. 30 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY 30 Linda is tapping at her computer as Chad enters. LINDA I got a batch from BeWithMeDC dot com. Chad perches on the desk, chewing gum as he gazes at the screen. CHAD Oh wow. Any good? LINDA I don't know yet, just looking... How do you open this? CHAD Click on, uh... yeah... LINDA Oh my god! CHAD What? LINDA Oh my God, what a loser! She clicks. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser! She clicks. Chad is laughing. Linda scowls. 23. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser!... What is this! They should call this Mr. Saggy dot com. CHAD Cripes. LINDA Loser! CHAD Did you have to send a picture? LINDA No, only guys do. I submitted a verbal profile, turn-ons, turn-offs, et cetera. I'm really looking for someone with a sense of humor. CHAD That guy----wait----that guy wasn't bad. LINDA Him? CHAD No, before. LINDA Him? CHAD Yeah. He uh, he might not be a loser. LINDA How can you tell? CHAD That's a Brioni suit. LINDA Oh yeah? CHAD Shit yeah. LINDA (dubious) Does he look like he has a sense of humor? CHAD He looks like his optometrist has a sense of humor. 24. Linda slaps his arm. CHAD (CONT'D) ... Huh-huh-huh. What does he do? LINDA State Department. CHAD That's cool. LINDA His hair is... what is that? CHAD Plugs. 31 INT. GYM - NEXT DAY 31 Linda is showing someone around the floor. LINDA This is the cardio area. A lot of machines here so that, believe me, there's never a wait. What you're seeing now, this is our busiest time, and there's still a couple of open treadmills I see, three Stairmasters---- I call it the Butt-Blaster----couple of LifeCycles----Hi, Chad. Chad is working with a medicine ball and a heavy young woman. CHAD Hi Linda. Did you call that guy? LINDA Not yet! Chad is one of our trainers. I've just started internet dating and I got my first look at the, uh... CUSTOMER What service? LINDA BeWithMeDC dot com? CUSTOMER Nice. LINDA Have you used them? 25. CUSTOMER No----two friends did and they're both hooked up. With really special guys. LINDA That's fantastic. 32 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - LATER 32 Linda is leaning forward at her desk, phone wedged between ear and shoulder, one hand up at her forehead. After a long still beat: LINDA Yes! Another still beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... English! Beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Agent! Beat. LINDA DRIVING ... Agent! Agent! Beat. LINDA ... Yes, hi, this is Linda Litzke, should I give you my account number? You have it up? Okay. I was informed that I needed pre-approval for these surgeries, and then... Yes, it was denied. Listening, then: LINDA (CONT'D) ...No, those are four different operations... It's very complicated; I'm reinventing myself, it's a whole new look so it isn't just one thing, however, it's all approved by my doctor... But----madam! This is not----my job involves, you know, public interface! This is not... 26. Her jaw sets. She controls her fury. Quieter: LINDA (CONT'D) ... Yes I do understand. Could I speak to your supervisor please? 33 INT. TED'S OFFICE/LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY - MINUTES LATER 33 We are on a long lens point-of-view, from several cubicles over, of Linda, now slumped at her desk, head in her arms. We faintly hear her sobbing. Reverse shows Ted Treffon, middle-aged, balding, the soulful manager of Hardbodies. He looks at Linda, puzzled and a little alarmed. He tenses as if to rise but doesn't, and hovers uncomfortably, unsure of whether to intrude. 34 EXT. WASHINGTON MALL - DAY 34 Linda walks down the promenade dressed in a smart pant suit. Her moving POV passes over a couple in conversation, an old woman feeding the birds, a man in a business suit reading a newspaper. She passes the man and turns around. He has looked up from the paper and is staring at her. He wears aviator-shaped glasses with clear plastic rims. He may have hair plugs. LINDA Alan? MAN (ALAN) Are you, uh... Linda? 35 EXT. CIRCLE THEATRE - DUSK 35 A poster advertises Totally Stoked! with Dermot Mulroney and Claire Danes. 36 INT. THEATRE - NIGHT 36 On the screen, Dermot Mulroney, dressed in a tuxedo, cranes his head to look steeply up and off. Linda sits next to Alan in the half-empty theatre, nervously watching the screen. 27. DERMOT (OFF) First you tell me that you can't commit, then you----WOULD YOU GET DOWN FROM THERE! Linda laughs raucously, then catches herself and looks at Alan. 37 INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT 37 The couple sit across from each other at a small table. They pick at their food. 38 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - NIGHT 38 The couple are making love in the dark room on a frilly comforter. Alan, still wearing his glasses, wheezes asthmatically. 39 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - LATER 39 Alan is snoring. After a long beat Linda gets up and puts on a robe. She bends down near the bed and picks something up out of Alan's trousers. 40 INT. LINDA'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 40 She sits into a chair near the window in the dark room and opens Alan's wallet. A Discover card, driver's license, a condom. A photograph of Alan holding a large bluefish. She unfolds a piece of notepaper. Written in a feminine hand in pencil: Please pick up: Plunge Honey Nut Cheerios. LINDA Oh for Pete's sake! She catches herself, looks around. The snoring, off, continues. She looks out the window. The lights of the freeway twinkle. 28. 41 INT. YACHT - NIGHT 41 We are in the bedroom. The boat rides gently at anchor. Harry has an arm around Katie, in bed. Both stare at a point in space. After a beat that is silent except for the faint sloshing of water against hull: HARRY ... and then, you know, you grow up. I guess that's what's happened with me. You just... people change. We married when I was, what, in my mid- twenties. A kid. We were kids. Twenties. You think it's forever. Then, you know, you're older----you begin to feel your mortality, you start to think, well, there's no more

legislative

How many times the word 'legislative' appears in the text?

Burn After Reading Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS BURN AFTER READING Written by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen FADE IN 1 EXT. EASTERN SEABOARD - AERIALS - DAY 1 High in the air----so high we an see the curvature of the earth. The eastern seaboard stretches away, flecked with clouds. As we dissolve in closer the picture bleaches of color. We are looking down at the city of Washington, D.C. Dissolve closer still: a black-and-white aerial photograph of a neighborhood in suburban D.C. dominated by a sprawling building. Computer type quickly bleeps on: C.I.A. Headquarters Langley, Virginia 2 INT. CIA - HALLWAY - DAY 2 We track at floor level, following the well shined shoes of someone walking down the well polished hallway. 3 INT. PALMER'S OFFICE - DAY 3 We hear a door opening and a silver-haired man rises behind his desk. A nameplate on the desk identifies him as Palmer DeBakey Smith. PALMER Ozzie. Sit down. Osbourne Cox, entering, is a middle-aged man in a striped shirt and bow tie. OSBOURNE Palmer. What's up. PALMER You know Peck, and Olson. The two men, sitting on chairs facing the desk, nod at Osbourne, who is surprised to see them. OSBOURNE Peck, yes, hiya. Olson, by reputation. Hi, Osbourne Cox. OLSON Yeah, hiyah. 2. OSBOURNE Aren't you with...aren't you, uh... Palmer jumps in: PALMER Yeah, that's right. Oz, look. There's no easy way to say this. We're taking you off the Balkans desk. OSBOURNE You're----what? Why? PALMER In fact we're moving you out of Sigint entirely. OSBOURNE ...What? No discussion, just----you're out? PALMER Well, we're having the discussion now Oz. This doesn't have to be unpleasant. OSBOURNE Palmer, with all due respect----what the fuck are you talking about? A beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... And why is Olson here? Another uncomfortable beat. PALMER ... Look, Ozzie---- OSBOURNE What the fuck is this?! Is it my----I know it's not my work. PALMER Ozzie---- OSBOURNE I'm a great fucking analyst! Is it---- PALMER Oz, things are not going well. As you know. 3. PECK You have a drinking problem. Stunned silence. Ozzie turns to look at Peck. At length: OSBOURNE I have a drinking problem. PALMER This doesn't have to be unpleasant. We found you something in State. It's a, uh... He gropes, uncomfortable. PALMER (CONT'D) ... It's a lower clearance level. Yes. But we're not, this isn't, we're not terminating you. OSBOURNE (quietly) This is an assault. PECK Come on, Ozzie. OSBOURNE This is an assault. I have a drinking problem? Fuck you, Peck, you're a Mormon! PECK Ozzie---- OSBOURNE Next to you we all have a drinking problem! Fuck you guys! Whose ass didn't I kiss? Let's be honest! Palmer nods at Olson. PALMER Okay, Olson---- OSBOURNE Let's be fucking honest... Osbourne gets to his feet, agitated. 4. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... This is a crucifixion! This is political! Don't tell me it's not! He storms out the door. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I have a drinking problem! The door slams. Palmer Smith looks at Olson. Olson arches an eyebrow. 4 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 4 OSBOURNE Bow tie loosened, he stands at a kitchen counter. His shoulders twist as he does something below frame: we hear the crackle of ice cubes wrenching loose from a tray. Behind him we see the apartment door opening. Katie, an attractive middle-aged woman, enters, taking her key out of the door, but stops, surprised to see Osbourne. KATIE You're home. Osbourne continues making himself a drink. OSBOURNE Hang on to your hat, honey. I have some news. I---- KATIE Did you pick up the cheeses? OSBOURNE Huh? KATIE Were they ready? I didn't know you were coming home this early. OSBOURNE (blank) The cheeses. Katie rolls her eyes. 5. KATIE I left a message for you to stop at Todaro's. The Magruders and the Pfarrers are coming over. OSBOURNE The Pfarrers? Ugh. I----what did Kathleen say? KATIE What? OSBOURNE When you left the message? KATIE She said. She would give you. The message. OSBOURNE Well she, I don't know, I guess we had bigger news today. My day didn't revolve arou---- KATIE So you didn't get the cheeses. OSBOURNE Well, since I didn't get the message, no, I didn't get the cheeses. But hang on to your hat, I---- KATIE Oh for fuck's sake, Ozzie, you mean I have to go out again? All right, well, you better get dressed. OSBOURNE Honey, we have to talk. KATIE Not right now. They'll be here in, what, less than an hour. 5 INT. COX LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 5 A hand hovers, hesitates. VOICE Is this a, uh, goat cheese? OSBOURNE (OFF) Chevre, yes, that is a goat cheese. Pink Revision 8/14/07 6. Wider shows the cocktail party, meagerly attended but in full swing. Besides Osbourne and Katie there is Harry Pfarrer (who has just inquired about the cheese), bearded, forties, rugged; his wife Sandy; and a shiny-faced young couple, Doug and Tina Magruder. Osbourne holds a cocktail tumbler. HARRY Because I have lactose reflux. But I can---- OSBOURNE You're lactose intolerant? HARRY Yes, but I can---- OSBOURNE Or you have acid reflux? They're two different things. Harry looks at him coldly. HARRY I know what they are. OSBOURNE Then you misspoke yourself. So I---- HARRY Thank you for correcting me. KATIE You should try the chevre, Harry. It's very good. HARRY Yeah. I can eat goat cheese. He eats a piece, cupping one hand under his mouth. HARRY (CONT'D) ... I was just explaining to your husband here, I have a condition---- Katie tries to separate the two men by including Doug Magruder. KATIE Harry works with the Marshalls' * Service. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 6A. DOUG MAGRUDER Ah. I'm on the legislative side, I * work with Senator Hobby. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 7. HARRY * Used to work for Treasury, but I * didn't go over to Homeland Security. * I'm with the Marshalls. * OSBOURNE If you want he'll show you his great big gun. HARRY Very amusing. The gun is actually no big deal. Twenty years in the marshall's service and I've never discharged my weapon. OSBOURNE Sounds like something you should be telling your psychiatrist. HARRY What? I don't have a psychiatrist. DOUG MAGRUDER Boy, I guess my job is pretty undramatic. I'm on the legislative side. What do you do Mrs. Pfarrer? Do you also carry a gun? Harry laughs. HARRY Sandy writes children's books. SANDY I write children's books---- HARRY Oliver The Cat Who...Who..arghh----Who---- Choking on piece of cheese, coughing HARRY (CONT'D) ...Who Lives In The Rotunda. Excuse me. TINA Those are wonderful! My nieces and nephews---- 8. HARRY Yeah, it's a beloved series. You wouldn't believe her fan mail. Unghh. Are you sure this is goat cheese? KATIE Why don't you let your wife tell them about her own books, Harry? HARRY I'm sorry----was I---- KATIE Here, come in the kitchen, help me with the crudit s. 6 INT. COX KITCHEN - NIGHT 6 They enter. HARRY Goddamnit. He knows, doesn't he. He looks down at the floor. He stamps. HARRY (CONT'D) ... Nice floors. KATIE Knows what? Harry is looking around the kitchen, taking in the fixtures. Absently: HARRY About us, he knows about us. Little prick. KATIE Don't be an ass, he doesn't know a thing. Harry is staring down at the linoleum again. HARRY What is that, forbo? A6 EXT. STREET - NIGHT A6 A car drives by. 9. 7 INT. HARRY'S CAR - NIGHT 7 Harry driving, his wife next to him. A long beat. Finally: HARRY What a horse's ass. SANDY I don't know why we see them. Harry shrugs. HARRY Well, she's all right. SANDY She is a cold, stuck-up bitch. Harry opens his mouth to reply, considers, doesn't. They drive. 8 INT. COX MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT 8 KATIE She is staring, in front of a mirror, face covered in cold cream, one hand arrested on the way up to daub on more. KATIE You quit?! Osbourne is buttoning a pajama top. OSBOURNE Uh-huh. KATIE Well----Thank you for letting me know! OSBOURNE I tried to tell you this afternoon. KATIE You tried? You tried? And then---- what, the aphasia kicked in? OSBOURNE Our guests came. We---- 10. KATIE Why?! For fuck's sake, Ozzie! OSBOURNE I'm just----I don't know. I got so tired. KATIE You're tired. OSBOURNE Tired of swimming against the current. KATIE Uh-huh. OSBOURNE Independent thought is not only not valued there, they resist it, they fight it, the bureaucracy is positively---- KATIE Did you get a pension, or severance or something, or---- OSBOURNE I didn't retire you know, I, I quit. I don't want their benefits. KATIE But I suppose my benefits are all right, I suppose you can live with those, is that the idea? OSBOURNE It's not like that's the only way to make money. KATIE Yes? Yes? What're you gonna do? OSBOURNE I'll do some consulting. KATIE Consulting. OSBOURNE Yes, to help while I----I've always wanted to write. KATIE Write. Write what. 11. OSBOURNE I've been thinking about it. A book, a sort of, sort of memoir. Katie stares at him in the mirror. A beat. She bursts into laughter. 9 EXT. YACHT/AT SEA - DAY 9 THE BRIDGE A small yacht. Osbourne stands at the wheel, a light wind in his face, as the boat sails under motor power. After a beat he moves to the front of the boat. An old man sits on a bench on the prow facing out into the wind. He has snowy hair and a stern Yankee face. He wears a tweed cap. He doesn't much react to Osbourne's approach. OSBOURNE You okay there, Dad? The old man remains silent, staring. Osbourne sits next to him and idly tucks in the plaid blanket resting over the man's knees. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Dad, I left my job at the Agency... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I, uh... I'm sorry. Dad, government service is not what it was when you were in State. Things are different now. I don't know, maybe it's... it's... the Cold War ending; now it seems like it's all bureaucracy and no mission... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I'm writing a memoir. I think it's going to be pretty explosive. But I don't think you'll disapprove. I don't think you'll disapprove. Katie has had trouble accepting it. (MORE) 12. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) But... sometimes there's a higher patriotism, Dad. So we'll... Yes, change is hard. It's hard on Katie. But we'll be okay. We'll be okay. Life is change. This is good. We were all blocked up, Katie and me. This is, this is a blessing in disguise. I'll go into training, you know. Lay off the sauce. Like you did. You managed to do it. Finally. And then I can concentrate on, you know. New beginning. And this'll all have been for the best. Don't you think Dad? The old man stares out into the wind. Osbourne sniffles. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Cold. He taps the old man on the knee and rises. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I guess we should head back. 10 EXT. PIER - DAY 10 LONG SHOT THRU THE WINDSHIELD OF A CAR The sailboat docked at the end of a marina. Osbourne is pushing the old man in a wheel chair down the pier away from the boat. A MAN'S VOICE We've seen this... 11 INT. LAW FIRM - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY 11 THE MAN White hair, bushy eyebrows, a florid face. He is in a law- book lined conference room. He wears an expensive suit, suspenders, a white shirt with blue collar and cuffs. He is Bogus Terikhian. TERIKHIAN ... I know this kind of man. We've seen this. 13. Wider on the conference room shows that Katie Cox sits at the table, along with Terikhian, another lawyer, and an assistant. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Mrs. Cox, you can't let this man take advantage of you. And he will. He will. KATIE Yes. This is my fear. He's trying---- he says----he's trying to pull himself together, but... TERIKHIAN Look, sure, I----I'm obliged to tell you you should try to salvage things. And you should. People turn themselves around. Not unheard-of. But. You---- you haven't broached the possibility of divorce yet? KATIE No. TERIKHIAN Well that's good. Because first you should get all his financials. Before he's forewarned. Because here's a man, here's a man, practiced in deceit, this is almost, you could say it's his job, practiced at hiding things, and there is no reason, it is not improper, there is no reason for you not to get a picture of the household finances. Paper files, computer files, whatever----this is your prerogative. You can be a spy too, madam. Do this before you put him on alert. Before the turtle can draw in his head and his, uh... He waggles his hands, groping for the word. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Feet. He shrugs. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... And hopefully everything will work out. He will reform. But! If not: forewarned is forearmed. 14. 12 INT. COX HOUSE - DAY 12 Osbourne is splayed on an easy chair, wearing a bathrobe over pyjamas. He stares at the ceiling, motionless, arms out- flung, like Marat in his bathtub. A long still beat. A clock ticks. Abruptly Osbourne raises one hand to speak into a microcassette recorder. OSBOURNE We were young and committed and there was nothing we couldn't do. We thought of the Agency less as... less as... The thought, such as it was, peters out. Osbourne rises and wanders around the room, glassy-eyed. He suddenly raises the microcassette again. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... The principles of George Kennan----a personal hero of mine----were what animated us. In fact they were what had originally inspired me to enter government service. Like the State Department's China Hands of yore, or, in a different forum, in a different venue, in a different medium, in, um... "Murrow's Boys," the fabled----in a different---- He suddenly stops, head cocked, listening. Faintly, a ringing phone. 13 INT. COX BASEMENT STAIRWAY - DAY 13 At the cut Osbourne is thundering down a steep carpeted stairway. He inclines his head to clear the ceiling that juts over the bottom half of the stairwell. The phone is louder here. 14 INT. COX BASEMENT - DAY 14 A semi-finished basement with cheap paneling and a low dropped ceiling of water-stained Johnson-Armstrong tile. The ringing phone is on a cheap government-surplus desk. The answering machine, with Osbourne's voice, picks up: 15. MACHINE You have reached The Cox Group... Osbourne, robe flapping, shuffles hurriedly in his slippered feet toward the phone. MACHINE (CONT'D) ... We can't answer your call right now. Please leave a---- OSBOURNE (heavy breathing) Hello. He eases into the chair, having swiped up the phone. A listening beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Yes?... Oh, no... No, call her number... No, upstairs...No she's not, but leave it on her machine. 15 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY - LATER 15 We are looking over Osbourne's shoulder----he is still in his robe----as he sits hunched on an ottoman, looking at a daytime game show. A few beats of the show. Roaring laughter from the studio audience. Mild chuckle from Osbourne in the foreground. 16 INT LIVING ROOM - DAY - STILL LATER 16 Ticking clock. Osbourne paces with the microcassette recorder. He raises it with a thought, draws a breath, and then stops, and looks off. The ticking grandfather clock: ornate hands on an ornate clock face Two or three minutes to five. Osbourne stares for a long beat. 17 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 17 OSBOURNE Shoulders twisting as we hear ice clattering out of a tray. He pours coke sizzling onto the ice. 16. He pauses for a long beat. He takes a bottle of rum out of a cabinet. He pours some into a hatch-marked shot glass. He looks at it. The amber liquid tops the hatch mark. He conscientiously pours the overage back, murmuring: OSBOURNE Single... He dumps the shot into the Coke. 18 EXT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 18 As before, the boat, docked at the end of the marina pier, is seen in long shot through the windshield of a car. Closer on the boat. As water laps against pilings and the boat gently bobs and creaks, we hear, muffled, the sounds of a couple having sex. When it builds to climax we cut: 19 INT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 19 Minutes later. We hold on a door for a quiet beat, then we hear the gurgle of water, and then the door opens. Harry Pfarrer emerges from the small bathroom, buckling his belt. In the bedroom which he emerges into Katie Cox is just finishing dressing. Harry looks at his watch. HARRY I should try to get a run in. 20 INT. COX HOUSE - DUSK 20 Katie is letting herself in. KATIE Ozzie! Quiet. 21 INT. KITCHEN - DUSK 21 Katie enters and sees a note on the counter paperweighted by a plate of used lime wedges: 17. Honey, At Fenninger's. Reunion committee dinner. See you later. 22 EXT. POTOMAC BRIDGE - DUSK 22 Long-lens, hand-held, point-of-view seeming: Harry Pfarrer is jogging in his Treasury sweats. Closer on him. Brow furrows. He spins, jogs backwards, looking. His point-of-view: nothing unusual; traffic on the bridge, no pedestrians particularly close. Harry, mildly puzzled, slows and stops. He turns again. Point-of-view up the bridge: empty. Harry starts jogging again. 23 INT. COX BASEMENT - NIGHT 23 We are tracking toward the desk in the corner, at which Katie sits. She cracks open a CD case and loads the CD into Osbourne's computer. A suspense drone builds as we track in. Katie starts typing, then suddenly stops. She holds still, listening for noises in the house. Nothing. She resumes typing. We hear male voices beginning to swell in song. The voices continue after the suspense drone snaps off, at the cut to: 24 INT. FENNINGER'S - NIGHT 24 A musty steakhouse. On the walls are hunting-scene prints and steel engravings of English country houses. A placard resting on a chair outside the Georgian Room: CLOSED FOR PRIVATE PARTY. From inside the room, male voices: VOICES Tune every heart and every voice... 18. 25 INT. FENNINGER'S - GEORGIAN ROOM - NIGHT 25 A dozen middle-aged men around a long table, each holding high a glass. MEN ... Bid every care withdraw. Let all with one accord rejoice... The men are sweaty, tie-loosened, dinner-stuffed and boozy. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau... Close on Osbourne as a rotund middle-aged classmate fills his glass to brimming. The two sway unsteadily with the music.. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau my boys, Hoo-rah, hoo-rah, hoorah! All swing their glasses side-to-side in rhythm: MEN (CONT'D) ... Her sons... shall give... while they... shall live... Glasses are thrust high with a ringing finish: MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau! 26 INT. EXAM ROOM - DAY 26 A WOMAN'S ASS Bare. Pale. Middle-aged. Someone with a marker is drawing on the flesh to illustrate: DOCTOR (OFF) We take all the chicken fat off your buttocks, here... and here... And the upper arms. And a little off your tummy... The camera is arcing around a standing, naked, middle-aged woman, to reveal the doctor sitting on a stool in the examining room, facing her. He reaches forward again with the marker. 19. DOCTOR (OFF) (CONT'D) ...And we do breast augmentation with a tiny incision here... and here. PATIENT (OFF) Uh-huh. And what about the thigh area? DOCTOR Well we can do liposuction there as well, but that area will respond to exercise. Buttocks and upper arms begin to store more fat when you get up around forty, the body just tells it to go there, but the thighs will respond to toning exercises. PATIENT Uh-huh. I know, I can work out on my arms til the cows come home, but... DOCTOR Uh-huh. And of course there are also genetic factors. PATIENT The Litzkes are big. DOCTOR Uh-huh, well everything's---- PATIENT My mom had an ass that could pull a bus. DOCTOR Wow. Well that's a predispo---- PATIENT Father's side too, although Dad tends to carry his weight in front of him. DOCTOR Uh-huh. PATIENT In the gut area. Derriere, not so much. DOCTOR Okay. The continuing track around is also booming up to reveal the face of the patient, Linda Litzke. 20. LINDA And what about the face, you know, the window to the soul. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Very well put. Well your eyes are one of your best features. But we can do something about the incipient crow's feet. LINDA Baby crow's feet. Little chickling's feet. I mean chicks. Chickie chickie chickie. DOCTOR Ha-ha, yes, again, well put. You have a way with words. We cut here... He marks. DOCTOR (CONT'D) ... And we pull the skin tight, like stretching the skin over a drum. Not too tight, though. We don't want that "worked-on" look. You need sufficient slack for the face to remain expressive. LINDA Yeah, I don't wanna look like Boris Karloff. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Heh-heh, so you don't want a sex change! LINDA No, I'm all woman! 27 INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY 27 Doctor and patient, now dressed, sit on either side of a desk. DOCTOR So Linda, what we're talking about here is four different procedures. (ticks them off) The liposuction... The rhinoplasty... The facial tuck, which I would strongly recommend over the chemical peel---- 21. LINDA Yeah, I don't want to get anything burned off. DOCTOR And why should you. With that lovely skin. And lastly, the breast augmentation. Now we can also do something about the vaccine scar----I don't know if you wear sleeveless dresses much---- LINDA Not with these ham hocks! DOCTOR Yes, well once they're nice and svelte, post-op, you---- LINDA Well I don't know. Is the vaccine thing----can you counsel me on this? I don't know, is it unsightly? I see it a lot, a bunch of people have it. DOCTOR Absolutely! Some women don't mind it at all! Personal taste! 28 INT. HARDBODIES - DAY 28 Linda Litzke, in a Hardbodies polo shirt with "Linda" stitched on the breast, leans out of her semi-enclosed office on the gym floor. LINDA Chad! 29 INT. HARDBODIES - GYM FLOOR - DAY 29 Chad Feldheimer, trainer, fortyish and well-muscled, has a gym patron up on a table and is helping him stretch a leg back. PATRON Ow! CHAD I'm sorry, was that too much? 22. PATRON I felt a straining... a tightness in the... in the front of my ass... CHAD Well you're pretty tight. You have to feel it or---- LINDA (on the public address) Chad Feldheimer. Office. CHAD I'll be back in a minute. We'll work on opening those hips. 30 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY 30 Linda is tapping at her computer as Chad enters. LINDA I got a batch from BeWithMeDC dot com. Chad perches on the desk, chewing gum as he gazes at the screen. CHAD Oh wow. Any good? LINDA I don't know yet, just looking... How do you open this? CHAD Click on, uh... yeah... LINDA Oh my god! CHAD What? LINDA Oh my God, what a loser! She clicks. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser! She clicks. Chad is laughing. Linda scowls. 23. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser!... What is this! They should call this Mr. Saggy dot com. CHAD Cripes. LINDA Loser! CHAD Did you have to send a picture? LINDA No, only guys do. I submitted a verbal profile, turn-ons, turn-offs, et cetera. I'm really looking for someone with a sense of humor. CHAD That guy----wait----that guy wasn't bad. LINDA Him? CHAD No, before. LINDA Him? CHAD Yeah. He uh, he might not be a loser. LINDA How can you tell? CHAD That's a Brioni suit. LINDA Oh yeah? CHAD Shit yeah. LINDA (dubious) Does he look like he has a sense of humor? CHAD He looks like his optometrist has a sense of humor. 24. Linda slaps his arm. CHAD (CONT'D) ... Huh-huh-huh. What does he do? LINDA State Department. CHAD That's cool. LINDA His hair is... what is that? CHAD Plugs. 31 INT. GYM - NEXT DAY 31 Linda is showing someone around the floor. LINDA This is the cardio area. A lot of machines here so that, believe me, there's never a wait. What you're seeing now, this is our busiest time, and there's still a couple of open treadmills I see, three Stairmasters---- I call it the Butt-Blaster----couple of LifeCycles----Hi, Chad. Chad is working with a medicine ball and a heavy young woman. CHAD Hi Linda. Did you call that guy? LINDA Not yet! Chad is one of our trainers. I've just started internet dating and I got my first look at the, uh... CUSTOMER What service? LINDA BeWithMeDC dot com? CUSTOMER Nice. LINDA Have you used them? 25. CUSTOMER No----two friends did and they're both hooked up. With really special guys. LINDA That's fantastic. 32 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - LATER 32 Linda is leaning forward at her desk, phone wedged between ear and shoulder, one hand up at her forehead. After a long still beat: LINDA Yes! Another still beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... English! Beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Agent! Beat. LINDA DRIVING ... Agent! Agent! Beat. LINDA ... Yes, hi, this is Linda Litzke, should I give you my account number? You have it up? Okay. I was informed that I needed pre-approval for these surgeries, and then... Yes, it was denied. Listening, then: LINDA (CONT'D) ...No, those are four different operations... It's very complicated; I'm reinventing myself, it's a whole new look so it isn't just one thing, however, it's all approved by my doctor... But----madam! This is not----my job involves, you know, public interface! This is not... 26. Her jaw sets. She controls her fury. Quieter: LINDA (CONT'D) ... Yes I do understand. Could I speak to your supervisor please? 33 INT. TED'S OFFICE/LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY - MINUTES LATER 33 We are on a long lens point-of-view, from several cubicles over, of Linda, now slumped at her desk, head in her arms. We faintly hear her sobbing. Reverse shows Ted Treffon, middle-aged, balding, the soulful manager of Hardbodies. He looks at Linda, puzzled and a little alarmed. He tenses as if to rise but doesn't, and hovers uncomfortably, unsure of whether to intrude. 34 EXT. WASHINGTON MALL - DAY 34 Linda walks down the promenade dressed in a smart pant suit. Her moving POV passes over a couple in conversation, an old woman feeding the birds, a man in a business suit reading a newspaper. She passes the man and turns around. He has looked up from the paper and is staring at her. He wears aviator-shaped glasses with clear plastic rims. He may have hair plugs. LINDA Alan? MAN (ALAN) Are you, uh... Linda? 35 EXT. CIRCLE THEATRE - DUSK 35 A poster advertises Totally Stoked! with Dermot Mulroney and Claire Danes. 36 INT. THEATRE - NIGHT 36 On the screen, Dermot Mulroney, dressed in a tuxedo, cranes his head to look steeply up and off. Linda sits next to Alan in the half-empty theatre, nervously watching the screen. 27. DERMOT (OFF) First you tell me that you can't commit, then you----WOULD YOU GET DOWN FROM THERE! Linda laughs raucously, then catches herself and looks at Alan. 37 INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT 37 The couple sit across from each other at a small table. They pick at their food. 38 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - NIGHT 38 The couple are making love in the dark room on a frilly comforter. Alan, still wearing his glasses, wheezes asthmatically. 39 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - LATER 39 Alan is snoring. After a long beat Linda gets up and puts on a robe. She bends down near the bed and picks something up out of Alan's trousers. 40 INT. LINDA'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 40 She sits into a chair near the window in the dark room and opens Alan's wallet. A Discover card, driver's license, a condom. A photograph of Alan holding a large bluefish. She unfolds a piece of notepaper. Written in a feminine hand in pencil: Please pick up: Plunge Honey Nut Cheerios. LINDA Oh for Pete's sake! She catches herself, looks around. The snoring, off, continues. She looks out the window. The lights of the freeway twinkle. 28. 41 INT. YACHT - NIGHT 41 We are in the bedroom. The boat rides gently at anchor. Harry has an arm around Katie, in bed. Both stare at a point in space. After a beat that is silent except for the faint sloshing of water against hull: HARRY ... and then, you know, you grow up. I guess that's what's happened with me. You just... people change. We married when I was, what, in my mid- twenties. A kid. We were kids. Twenties. You think it's forever. Then, you know, you're older----you begin to feel your mortality, you start to think, well, there's no more

guess

How many times the word 'guess' appears in the text?

Burn After Reading Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS BURN AFTER READING Written by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen FADE IN 1 EXT. EASTERN SEABOARD - AERIALS - DAY 1 High in the air----so high we an see the curvature of the earth. The eastern seaboard stretches away, flecked with clouds. As we dissolve in closer the picture bleaches of color. We are looking down at the city of Washington, D.C. Dissolve closer still: a black-and-white aerial photograph of a neighborhood in suburban D.C. dominated by a sprawling building. Computer type quickly bleeps on: C.I.A. Headquarters Langley, Virginia 2 INT. CIA - HALLWAY - DAY 2 We track at floor level, following the well shined shoes of someone walking down the well polished hallway. 3 INT. PALMER'S OFFICE - DAY 3 We hear a door opening and a silver-haired man rises behind his desk. A nameplate on the desk identifies him as Palmer DeBakey Smith. PALMER Ozzie. Sit down. Osbourne Cox, entering, is a middle-aged man in a striped shirt and bow tie. OSBOURNE Palmer. What's up. PALMER You know Peck, and Olson. The two men, sitting on chairs facing the desk, nod at Osbourne, who is surprised to see them. OSBOURNE Peck, yes, hiya. Olson, by reputation. Hi, Osbourne Cox. OLSON Yeah, hiyah. 2. OSBOURNE Aren't you with...aren't you, uh... Palmer jumps in: PALMER Yeah, that's right. Oz, look. There's no easy way to say this. We're taking you off the Balkans desk. OSBOURNE You're----what? Why? PALMER In fact we're moving you out of Sigint entirely. OSBOURNE ...What? No discussion, just----you're out? PALMER Well, we're having the discussion now Oz. This doesn't have to be unpleasant. OSBOURNE Palmer, with all due respect----what the fuck are you talking about? A beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... And why is Olson here? Another uncomfortable beat. PALMER ... Look, Ozzie---- OSBOURNE What the fuck is this?! Is it my----I know it's not my work. PALMER Ozzie---- OSBOURNE I'm a great fucking analyst! Is it---- PALMER Oz, things are not going well. As you know. 3. PECK You have a drinking problem. Stunned silence. Ozzie turns to look at Peck. At length: OSBOURNE I have a drinking problem. PALMER This doesn't have to be unpleasant. We found you something in State. It's a, uh... He gropes, uncomfortable. PALMER (CONT'D) ... It's a lower clearance level. Yes. But we're not, this isn't, we're not terminating you. OSBOURNE (quietly) This is an assault. PECK Come on, Ozzie. OSBOURNE This is an assault. I have a drinking problem? Fuck you, Peck, you're a Mormon! PECK Ozzie---- OSBOURNE Next to you we all have a drinking problem! Fuck you guys! Whose ass didn't I kiss? Let's be honest! Palmer nods at Olson. PALMER Okay, Olson---- OSBOURNE Let's be fucking honest... Osbourne gets to his feet, agitated. 4. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... This is a crucifixion! This is political! Don't tell me it's not! He storms out the door. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I have a drinking problem! The door slams. Palmer Smith looks at Olson. Olson arches an eyebrow. 4 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 4 OSBOURNE Bow tie loosened, he stands at a kitchen counter. His shoulders twist as he does something below frame: we hear the crackle of ice cubes wrenching loose from a tray. Behind him we see the apartment door opening. Katie, an attractive middle-aged woman, enters, taking her key out of the door, but stops, surprised to see Osbourne. KATIE You're home. Osbourne continues making himself a drink. OSBOURNE Hang on to your hat, honey. I have some news. I---- KATIE Did you pick up the cheeses? OSBOURNE Huh? KATIE Were they ready? I didn't know you were coming home this early. OSBOURNE (blank) The cheeses. Katie rolls her eyes. 5. KATIE I left a message for you to stop at Todaro's. The Magruders and the Pfarrers are coming over. OSBOURNE The Pfarrers? Ugh. I----what did Kathleen say? KATIE What? OSBOURNE When you left the message? KATIE She said. She would give you. The message. OSBOURNE Well she, I don't know, I guess we had bigger news today. My day didn't revolve arou---- KATIE So you didn't get the cheeses. OSBOURNE Well, since I didn't get the message, no, I didn't get the cheeses. But hang on to your hat, I---- KATIE Oh for fuck's sake, Ozzie, you mean I have to go out again? All right, well, you better get dressed. OSBOURNE Honey, we have to talk. KATIE Not right now. They'll be here in, what, less than an hour. 5 INT. COX LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 5 A hand hovers, hesitates. VOICE Is this a, uh, goat cheese? OSBOURNE (OFF) Chevre, yes, that is a goat cheese. Pink Revision 8/14/07 6. Wider shows the cocktail party, meagerly attended but in full swing. Besides Osbourne and Katie there is Harry Pfarrer (who has just inquired about the cheese), bearded, forties, rugged; his wife Sandy; and a shiny-faced young couple, Doug and Tina Magruder. Osbourne holds a cocktail tumbler. HARRY Because I have lactose reflux. But I can---- OSBOURNE You're lactose intolerant? HARRY Yes, but I can---- OSBOURNE Or you have acid reflux? They're two different things. Harry looks at him coldly. HARRY I know what they are. OSBOURNE Then you misspoke yourself. So I---- HARRY Thank you for correcting me. KATIE You should try the chevre, Harry. It's very good. HARRY Yeah. I can eat goat cheese. He eats a piece, cupping one hand under his mouth. HARRY (CONT'D) ... I was just explaining to your husband here, I have a condition---- Katie tries to separate the two men by including Doug Magruder. KATIE Harry works with the Marshalls' * Service. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 6A. DOUG MAGRUDER Ah. I'm on the legislative side, I * work with Senator Hobby. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 7. HARRY * Used to work for Treasury, but I * didn't go over to Homeland Security. * I'm with the Marshalls. * OSBOURNE If you want he'll show you his great big gun. HARRY Very amusing. The gun is actually no big deal. Twenty years in the marshall's service and I've never discharged my weapon. OSBOURNE Sounds like something you should be telling your psychiatrist. HARRY What? I don't have a psychiatrist. DOUG MAGRUDER Boy, I guess my job is pretty undramatic. I'm on the legislative side. What do you do Mrs. Pfarrer? Do you also carry a gun? Harry laughs. HARRY Sandy writes children's books. SANDY I write children's books---- HARRY Oliver The Cat Who...Who..arghh----Who---- Choking on piece of cheese, coughing HARRY (CONT'D) ...Who Lives In The Rotunda. Excuse me. TINA Those are wonderful! My nieces and nephews---- 8. HARRY Yeah, it's a beloved series. You wouldn't believe her fan mail. Unghh. Are you sure this is goat cheese? KATIE Why don't you let your wife tell them about her own books, Harry? HARRY I'm sorry----was I---- KATIE Here, come in the kitchen, help me with the crudit s. 6 INT. COX KITCHEN - NIGHT 6 They enter. HARRY Goddamnit. He knows, doesn't he. He looks down at the floor. He stamps. HARRY (CONT'D) ... Nice floors. KATIE Knows what? Harry is looking around the kitchen, taking in the fixtures. Absently: HARRY About us, he knows about us. Little prick. KATIE Don't be an ass, he doesn't know a thing. Harry is staring down at the linoleum again. HARRY What is that, forbo? A6 EXT. STREET - NIGHT A6 A car drives by. 9. 7 INT. HARRY'S CAR - NIGHT 7 Harry driving, his wife next to him. A long beat. Finally: HARRY What a horse's ass. SANDY I don't know why we see them. Harry shrugs. HARRY Well, she's all right. SANDY She is a cold, stuck-up bitch. Harry opens his mouth to reply, considers, doesn't. They drive. 8 INT. COX MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT 8 KATIE She is staring, in front of a mirror, face covered in cold cream, one hand arrested on the way up to daub on more. KATIE You quit?! Osbourne is buttoning a pajama top. OSBOURNE Uh-huh. KATIE Well----Thank you for letting me know! OSBOURNE I tried to tell you this afternoon. KATIE You tried? You tried? And then---- what, the aphasia kicked in? OSBOURNE Our guests came. We---- 10. KATIE Why?! For fuck's sake, Ozzie! OSBOURNE I'm just----I don't know. I got so tired. KATIE You're tired. OSBOURNE Tired of swimming against the current. KATIE Uh-huh. OSBOURNE Independent thought is not only not valued there, they resist it, they fight it, the bureaucracy is positively---- KATIE Did you get a pension, or severance or something, or---- OSBOURNE I didn't retire you know, I, I quit. I don't want their benefits. KATIE But I suppose my benefits are all right, I suppose you can live with those, is that the idea? OSBOURNE It's not like that's the only way to make money. KATIE Yes? Yes? What're you gonna do? OSBOURNE I'll do some consulting. KATIE Consulting. OSBOURNE Yes, to help while I----I've always wanted to write. KATIE Write. Write what. 11. OSBOURNE I've been thinking about it. A book, a sort of, sort of memoir. Katie stares at him in the mirror. A beat. She bursts into laughter. 9 EXT. YACHT/AT SEA - DAY 9 THE BRIDGE A small yacht. Osbourne stands at the wheel, a light wind in his face, as the boat sails under motor power. After a beat he moves to the front of the boat. An old man sits on a bench on the prow facing out into the wind. He has snowy hair and a stern Yankee face. He wears a tweed cap. He doesn't much react to Osbourne's approach. OSBOURNE You okay there, Dad? The old man remains silent, staring. Osbourne sits next to him and idly tucks in the plaid blanket resting over the man's knees. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Dad, I left my job at the Agency... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I, uh... I'm sorry. Dad, government service is not what it was when you were in State. Things are different now. I don't know, maybe it's... it's... the Cold War ending; now it seems like it's all bureaucracy and no mission... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I'm writing a memoir. I think it's going to be pretty explosive. But I don't think you'll disapprove. I don't think you'll disapprove. Katie has had trouble accepting it. (MORE) 12. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) But... sometimes there's a higher patriotism, Dad. So we'll... Yes, change is hard. It's hard on Katie. But we'll be okay. We'll be okay. Life is change. This is good. We were all blocked up, Katie and me. This is, this is a blessing in disguise. I'll go into training, you know. Lay off the sauce. Like you did. You managed to do it. Finally. And then I can concentrate on, you know. New beginning. And this'll all have been for the best. Don't you think Dad? The old man stares out into the wind. Osbourne sniffles. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Cold. He taps the old man on the knee and rises. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I guess we should head back. 10 EXT. PIER - DAY 10 LONG SHOT THRU THE WINDSHIELD OF A CAR The sailboat docked at the end of a marina. Osbourne is pushing the old man in a wheel chair down the pier away from the boat. A MAN'S VOICE We've seen this... 11 INT. LAW FIRM - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY 11 THE MAN White hair, bushy eyebrows, a florid face. He is in a law- book lined conference room. He wears an expensive suit, suspenders, a white shirt with blue collar and cuffs. He is Bogus Terikhian. TERIKHIAN ... I know this kind of man. We've seen this. 13. Wider on the conference room shows that Katie Cox sits at the table, along with Terikhian, another lawyer, and an assistant. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Mrs. Cox, you can't let this man take advantage of you. And he will. He will. KATIE Yes. This is my fear. He's trying---- he says----he's trying to pull himself together, but... TERIKHIAN Look, sure, I----I'm obliged to tell you you should try to salvage things. And you should. People turn themselves around. Not unheard-of. But. You---- you haven't broached the possibility of divorce yet? KATIE No. TERIKHIAN Well that's good. Because first you should get all his financials. Before he's forewarned. Because here's a man, here's a man, practiced in deceit, this is almost, you could say it's his job, practiced at hiding things, and there is no reason, it is not improper, there is no reason for you not to get a picture of the household finances. Paper files, computer files, whatever----this is your prerogative. You can be a spy too, madam. Do this before you put him on alert. Before the turtle can draw in his head and his, uh... He waggles his hands, groping for the word. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Feet. He shrugs. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... And hopefully everything will work out. He will reform. But! If not: forewarned is forearmed. 14. 12 INT. COX HOUSE - DAY 12 Osbourne is splayed on an easy chair, wearing a bathrobe over pyjamas. He stares at the ceiling, motionless, arms out- flung, like Marat in his bathtub. A long still beat. A clock ticks. Abruptly Osbourne raises one hand to speak into a microcassette recorder. OSBOURNE We were young and committed and there was nothing we couldn't do. We thought of the Agency less as... less as... The thought, such as it was, peters out. Osbourne rises and wanders around the room, glassy-eyed. He suddenly raises the microcassette again. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... The principles of George Kennan----a personal hero of mine----were what animated us. In fact they were what had originally inspired me to enter government service. Like the State Department's China Hands of yore, or, in a different forum, in a different venue, in a different medium, in, um... "Murrow's Boys," the fabled----in a different---- He suddenly stops, head cocked, listening. Faintly, a ringing phone. 13 INT. COX BASEMENT STAIRWAY - DAY 13 At the cut Osbourne is thundering down a steep carpeted stairway. He inclines his head to clear the ceiling that juts over the bottom half of the stairwell. The phone is louder here. 14 INT. COX BASEMENT - DAY 14 A semi-finished basement with cheap paneling and a low dropped ceiling of water-stained Johnson-Armstrong tile. The ringing phone is on a cheap government-surplus desk. The answering machine, with Osbourne's voice, picks up: 15. MACHINE You have reached The Cox Group... Osbourne, robe flapping, shuffles hurriedly in his slippered feet toward the phone. MACHINE (CONT'D) ... We can't answer your call right now. Please leave a---- OSBOURNE (heavy breathing) Hello. He eases into the chair, having swiped up the phone. A listening beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Yes?... Oh, no... No, call her number... No, upstairs...No she's not, but leave it on her machine. 15 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY - LATER 15 We are looking over Osbourne's shoulder----he is still in his robe----as he sits hunched on an ottoman, looking at a daytime game show. A few beats of the show. Roaring laughter from the studio audience. Mild chuckle from Osbourne in the foreground. 16 INT LIVING ROOM - DAY - STILL LATER 16 Ticking clock. Osbourne paces with the microcassette recorder. He raises it with a thought, draws a breath, and then stops, and looks off. The ticking grandfather clock: ornate hands on an ornate clock face Two or three minutes to five. Osbourne stares for a long beat. 17 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 17 OSBOURNE Shoulders twisting as we hear ice clattering out of a tray. He pours coke sizzling onto the ice. 16. He pauses for a long beat. He takes a bottle of rum out of a cabinet. He pours some into a hatch-marked shot glass. He looks at it. The amber liquid tops the hatch mark. He conscientiously pours the overage back, murmuring: OSBOURNE Single... He dumps the shot into the Coke. 18 EXT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 18 As before, the boat, docked at the end of the marina pier, is seen in long shot through the windshield of a car. Closer on the boat. As water laps against pilings and the boat gently bobs and creaks, we hear, muffled, the sounds of a couple having sex. When it builds to climax we cut: 19 INT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 19 Minutes later. We hold on a door for a quiet beat, then we hear the gurgle of water, and then the door opens. Harry Pfarrer emerges from the small bathroom, buckling his belt. In the bedroom which he emerges into Katie Cox is just finishing dressing. Harry looks at his watch. HARRY I should try to get a run in. 20 INT. COX HOUSE - DUSK 20 Katie is letting herself in. KATIE Ozzie! Quiet. 21 INT. KITCHEN - DUSK 21 Katie enters and sees a note on the counter paperweighted by a plate of used lime wedges: 17. Honey, At Fenninger's. Reunion committee dinner. See you later. 22 EXT. POTOMAC BRIDGE - DUSK 22 Long-lens, hand-held, point-of-view seeming: Harry Pfarrer is jogging in his Treasury sweats. Closer on him. Brow furrows. He spins, jogs backwards, looking. His point-of-view: nothing unusual; traffic on the bridge, no pedestrians particularly close. Harry, mildly puzzled, slows and stops. He turns again. Point-of-view up the bridge: empty. Harry starts jogging again. 23 INT. COX BASEMENT - NIGHT 23 We are tracking toward the desk in the corner, at which Katie sits. She cracks open a CD case and loads the CD into Osbourne's computer. A suspense drone builds as we track in. Katie starts typing, then suddenly stops. She holds still, listening for noises in the house. Nothing. She resumes typing. We hear male voices beginning to swell in song. The voices continue after the suspense drone snaps off, at the cut to: 24 INT. FENNINGER'S - NIGHT 24 A musty steakhouse. On the walls are hunting-scene prints and steel engravings of English country houses. A placard resting on a chair outside the Georgian Room: CLOSED FOR PRIVATE PARTY. From inside the room, male voices: VOICES Tune every heart and every voice... 18. 25 INT. FENNINGER'S - GEORGIAN ROOM - NIGHT 25 A dozen middle-aged men around a long table, each holding high a glass. MEN ... Bid every care withdraw. Let all with one accord rejoice... The men are sweaty, tie-loosened, dinner-stuffed and boozy. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau... Close on Osbourne as a rotund middle-aged classmate fills his glass to brimming. The two sway unsteadily with the music.. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau my boys, Hoo-rah, hoo-rah, hoorah! All swing their glasses side-to-side in rhythm: MEN (CONT'D) ... Her sons... shall give... while they... shall live... Glasses are thrust high with a ringing finish: MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau! 26 INT. EXAM ROOM - DAY 26 A WOMAN'S ASS Bare. Pale. Middle-aged. Someone with a marker is drawing on the flesh to illustrate: DOCTOR (OFF) We take all the chicken fat off your buttocks, here... and here... And the upper arms. And a little off your tummy... The camera is arcing around a standing, naked, middle-aged woman, to reveal the doctor sitting on a stool in the examining room, facing her. He reaches forward again with the marker. 19. DOCTOR (OFF) (CONT'D) ...And we do breast augmentation with a tiny incision here... and here. PATIENT (OFF) Uh-huh. And what about the thigh area? DOCTOR Well we can do liposuction there as well, but that area will respond to exercise. Buttocks and upper arms begin to store more fat when you get up around forty, the body just tells it to go there, but the thighs will respond to toning exercises. PATIENT Uh-huh. I know, I can work out on my arms til the cows come home, but... DOCTOR Uh-huh. And of course there are also genetic factors. PATIENT The Litzkes are big. DOCTOR Uh-huh, well everything's---- PATIENT My mom had an ass that could pull a bus. DOCTOR Wow. Well that's a predispo---- PATIENT Father's side too, although Dad tends to carry his weight in front of him. DOCTOR Uh-huh. PATIENT In the gut area. Derriere, not so much. DOCTOR Okay. The continuing track around is also booming up to reveal the face of the patient, Linda Litzke. 20. LINDA And what about the face, you know, the window to the soul. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Very well put. Well your eyes are one of your best features. But we can do something about the incipient crow's feet. LINDA Baby crow's feet. Little chickling's feet. I mean chicks. Chickie chickie chickie. DOCTOR Ha-ha, yes, again, well put. You have a way with words. We cut here... He marks. DOCTOR (CONT'D) ... And we pull the skin tight, like stretching the skin over a drum. Not too tight, though. We don't want that "worked-on" look. You need sufficient slack for the face to remain expressive. LINDA Yeah, I don't wanna look like Boris Karloff. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Heh-heh, so you don't want a sex change! LINDA No, I'm all woman! 27 INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY 27 Doctor and patient, now dressed, sit on either side of a desk. DOCTOR So Linda, what we're talking about here is four different procedures. (ticks them off) The liposuction... The rhinoplasty... The facial tuck, which I would strongly recommend over the chemical peel---- 21. LINDA Yeah, I don't want to get anything burned off. DOCTOR And why should you. With that lovely skin. And lastly, the breast augmentation. Now we can also do something about the vaccine scar----I don't know if you wear sleeveless dresses much---- LINDA Not with these ham hocks! DOCTOR Yes, well once they're nice and svelte, post-op, you---- LINDA Well I don't know. Is the vaccine thing----can you counsel me on this? I don't know, is it unsightly? I see it a lot, a bunch of people have it. DOCTOR Absolutely! Some women don't mind it at all! Personal taste! 28 INT. HARDBODIES - DAY 28 Linda Litzke, in a Hardbodies polo shirt with "Linda" stitched on the breast, leans out of her semi-enclosed office on the gym floor. LINDA Chad! 29 INT. HARDBODIES - GYM FLOOR - DAY 29 Chad Feldheimer, trainer, fortyish and well-muscled, has a gym patron up on a table and is helping him stretch a leg back. PATRON Ow! CHAD I'm sorry, was that too much? 22. PATRON I felt a straining... a tightness in the... in the front of my ass... CHAD Well you're pretty tight. You have to feel it or---- LINDA (on the public address) Chad Feldheimer. Office. CHAD I'll be back in a minute. We'll work on opening those hips. 30 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY 30 Linda is tapping at her computer as Chad enters. LINDA I got a batch from BeWithMeDC dot com. Chad perches on the desk, chewing gum as he gazes at the screen. CHAD Oh wow. Any good? LINDA I don't know yet, just looking... How do you open this? CHAD Click on, uh... yeah... LINDA Oh my god! CHAD What? LINDA Oh my God, what a loser! She clicks. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser! She clicks. Chad is laughing. Linda scowls. 23. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser!... What is this! They should call this Mr. Saggy dot com. CHAD Cripes. LINDA Loser! CHAD Did you have to send a picture? LINDA No, only guys do. I submitted a verbal profile, turn-ons, turn-offs, et cetera. I'm really looking for someone with a sense of humor. CHAD That guy----wait----that guy wasn't bad. LINDA Him? CHAD No, before. LINDA Him? CHAD Yeah. He uh, he might not be a loser. LINDA How can you tell? CHAD That's a Brioni suit. LINDA Oh yeah? CHAD Shit yeah. LINDA (dubious) Does he look like he has a sense of humor? CHAD He looks like his optometrist has a sense of humor. 24. Linda slaps his arm. CHAD (CONT'D) ... Huh-huh-huh. What does he do? LINDA State Department. CHAD That's cool. LINDA His hair is... what is that? CHAD Plugs. 31 INT. GYM - NEXT DAY 31 Linda is showing someone around the floor. LINDA This is the cardio area. A lot of machines here so that, believe me, there's never a wait. What you're seeing now, this is our busiest time, and there's still a couple of open treadmills I see, three Stairmasters---- I call it the Butt-Blaster----couple of LifeCycles----Hi, Chad. Chad is working with a medicine ball and a heavy young woman. CHAD Hi Linda. Did you call that guy? LINDA Not yet! Chad is one of our trainers. I've just started internet dating and I got my first look at the, uh... CUSTOMER What service? LINDA BeWithMeDC dot com? CUSTOMER Nice. LINDA Have you used them? 25. CUSTOMER No----two friends did and they're both hooked up. With really special guys. LINDA That's fantastic. 32 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - LATER 32 Linda is leaning forward at her desk, phone wedged between ear and shoulder, one hand up at her forehead. After a long still beat: LINDA Yes! Another still beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... English! Beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Agent! Beat. LINDA DRIVING ... Agent! Agent! Beat. LINDA ... Yes, hi, this is Linda Litzke, should I give you my account number? You have it up? Okay. I was informed that I needed pre-approval for these surgeries, and then... Yes, it was denied. Listening, then: LINDA (CONT'D) ...No, those are four different operations... It's very complicated; I'm reinventing myself, it's a whole new look so it isn't just one thing, however, it's all approved by my doctor... But----madam! This is not----my job involves, you know, public interface! This is not... 26. Her jaw sets. She controls her fury. Quieter: LINDA (CONT'D) ... Yes I do understand. Could I speak to your supervisor please? 33 INT. TED'S OFFICE/LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY - MINUTES LATER 33 We are on a long lens point-of-view, from several cubicles over, of Linda, now slumped at her desk, head in her arms. We faintly hear her sobbing. Reverse shows Ted Treffon, middle-aged, balding, the soulful manager of Hardbodies. He looks at Linda, puzzled and a little alarmed. He tenses as if to rise but doesn't, and hovers uncomfortably, unsure of whether to intrude. 34 EXT. WASHINGTON MALL - DAY 34 Linda walks down the promenade dressed in a smart pant suit. Her moving POV passes over a couple in conversation, an old woman feeding the birds, a man in a business suit reading a newspaper. She passes the man and turns around. He has looked up from the paper and is staring at her. He wears aviator-shaped glasses with clear plastic rims. He may have hair plugs. LINDA Alan? MAN (ALAN) Are you, uh... Linda? 35 EXT. CIRCLE THEATRE - DUSK 35 A poster advertises Totally Stoked! with Dermot Mulroney and Claire Danes. 36 INT. THEATRE - NIGHT 36 On the screen, Dermot Mulroney, dressed in a tuxedo, cranes his head to look steeply up and off. Linda sits next to Alan in the half-empty theatre, nervously watching the screen. 27. DERMOT (OFF) First you tell me that you can't commit, then you----WOULD YOU GET DOWN FROM THERE! Linda laughs raucously, then catches herself and looks at Alan. 37 INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT 37 The couple sit across from each other at a small table. They pick at their food. 38 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - NIGHT 38 The couple are making love in the dark room on a frilly comforter. Alan, still wearing his glasses, wheezes asthmatically. 39 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - LATER 39 Alan is snoring. After a long beat Linda gets up and puts on a robe. She bends down near the bed and picks something up out of Alan's trousers. 40 INT. LINDA'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 40 She sits into a chair near the window in the dark room and opens Alan's wallet. A Discover card, driver's license, a condom. A photograph of Alan holding a large bluefish. She unfolds a piece of notepaper. Written in a feminine hand in pencil: Please pick up: Plunge Honey Nut Cheerios. LINDA Oh for Pete's sake! She catches herself, looks around. The snoring, off, continues. She looks out the window. The lights of the freeway twinkle. 28. 41 INT. YACHT - NIGHT 41 We are in the bedroom. The boat rides gently at anchor. Harry has an arm around Katie, in bed. Both stare at a point in space. After a beat that is silent except for the faint sloshing of water against hull: HARRY ... and then, you know, you grow up. I guess that's what's happened with me. You just... people change. We married when I was, what, in my mid- twenties. A kid. We were kids. Twenties. You think it's forever. Then, you know, you're older----you begin to feel your mortality, you start to think, well, there's no more

fixtures

How many times the word 'fixtures' appears in the text?

Burn After Reading Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS BURN AFTER READING Written by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen FADE IN 1 EXT. EASTERN SEABOARD - AERIALS - DAY 1 High in the air----so high we an see the curvature of the earth. The eastern seaboard stretches away, flecked with clouds. As we dissolve in closer the picture bleaches of color. We are looking down at the city of Washington, D.C. Dissolve closer still: a black-and-white aerial photograph of a neighborhood in suburban D.C. dominated by a sprawling building. Computer type quickly bleeps on: C.I.A. Headquarters Langley, Virginia 2 INT. CIA - HALLWAY - DAY 2 We track at floor level, following the well shined shoes of someone walking down the well polished hallway. 3 INT. PALMER'S OFFICE - DAY 3 We hear a door opening and a silver-haired man rises behind his desk. A nameplate on the desk identifies him as Palmer DeBakey Smith. PALMER Ozzie. Sit down. Osbourne Cox, entering, is a middle-aged man in a striped shirt and bow tie. OSBOURNE Palmer. What's up. PALMER You know Peck, and Olson. The two men, sitting on chairs facing the desk, nod at Osbourne, who is surprised to see them. OSBOURNE Peck, yes, hiya. Olson, by reputation. Hi, Osbourne Cox. OLSON Yeah, hiyah. 2. OSBOURNE Aren't you with...aren't you, uh... Palmer jumps in: PALMER Yeah, that's right. Oz, look. There's no easy way to say this. We're taking you off the Balkans desk. OSBOURNE You're----what? Why? PALMER In fact we're moving you out of Sigint entirely. OSBOURNE ...What? No discussion, just----you're out? PALMER Well, we're having the discussion now Oz. This doesn't have to be unpleasant. OSBOURNE Palmer, with all due respect----what the fuck are you talking about? A beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... And why is Olson here? Another uncomfortable beat. PALMER ... Look, Ozzie---- OSBOURNE What the fuck is this?! Is it my----I know it's not my work. PALMER Ozzie---- OSBOURNE I'm a great fucking analyst! Is it---- PALMER Oz, things are not going well. As you know. 3. PECK You have a drinking problem. Stunned silence. Ozzie turns to look at Peck. At length: OSBOURNE I have a drinking problem. PALMER This doesn't have to be unpleasant. We found you something in State. It's a, uh... He gropes, uncomfortable. PALMER (CONT'D) ... It's a lower clearance level. Yes. But we're not, this isn't, we're not terminating you. OSBOURNE (quietly) This is an assault. PECK Come on, Ozzie. OSBOURNE This is an assault. I have a drinking problem? Fuck you, Peck, you're a Mormon! PECK Ozzie---- OSBOURNE Next to you we all have a drinking problem! Fuck you guys! Whose ass didn't I kiss? Let's be honest! Palmer nods at Olson. PALMER Okay, Olson---- OSBOURNE Let's be fucking honest... Osbourne gets to his feet, agitated. 4. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... This is a crucifixion! This is political! Don't tell me it's not! He storms out the door. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I have a drinking problem! The door slams. Palmer Smith looks at Olson. Olson arches an eyebrow. 4 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 4 OSBOURNE Bow tie loosened, he stands at a kitchen counter. His shoulders twist as he does something below frame: we hear the crackle of ice cubes wrenching loose from a tray. Behind him we see the apartment door opening. Katie, an attractive middle-aged woman, enters, taking her key out of the door, but stops, surprised to see Osbourne. KATIE You're home. Osbourne continues making himself a drink. OSBOURNE Hang on to your hat, honey. I have some news. I---- KATIE Did you pick up the cheeses? OSBOURNE Huh? KATIE Were they ready? I didn't know you were coming home this early. OSBOURNE (blank) The cheeses. Katie rolls her eyes. 5. KATIE I left a message for you to stop at Todaro's. The Magruders and the Pfarrers are coming over. OSBOURNE The Pfarrers? Ugh. I----what did Kathleen say? KATIE What? OSBOURNE When you left the message? KATIE She said. She would give you. The message. OSBOURNE Well she, I don't know, I guess we had bigger news today. My day didn't revolve arou---- KATIE So you didn't get the cheeses. OSBOURNE Well, since I didn't get the message, no, I didn't get the cheeses. But hang on to your hat, I---- KATIE Oh for fuck's sake, Ozzie, you mean I have to go out again? All right, well, you better get dressed. OSBOURNE Honey, we have to talk. KATIE Not right now. They'll be here in, what, less than an hour. 5 INT. COX LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 5 A hand hovers, hesitates. VOICE Is this a, uh, goat cheese? OSBOURNE (OFF) Chevre, yes, that is a goat cheese. Pink Revision 8/14/07 6. Wider shows the cocktail party, meagerly attended but in full swing. Besides Osbourne and Katie there is Harry Pfarrer (who has just inquired about the cheese), bearded, forties, rugged; his wife Sandy; and a shiny-faced young couple, Doug and Tina Magruder. Osbourne holds a cocktail tumbler. HARRY Because I have lactose reflux. But I can---- OSBOURNE You're lactose intolerant? HARRY Yes, but I can---- OSBOURNE Or you have acid reflux? They're two different things. Harry looks at him coldly. HARRY I know what they are. OSBOURNE Then you misspoke yourself. So I---- HARRY Thank you for correcting me. KATIE You should try the chevre, Harry. It's very good. HARRY Yeah. I can eat goat cheese. He eats a piece, cupping one hand under his mouth. HARRY (CONT'D) ... I was just explaining to your husband here, I have a condition---- Katie tries to separate the two men by including Doug Magruder. KATIE Harry works with the Marshalls' * Service. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 6A. DOUG MAGRUDER Ah. I'm on the legislative side, I * work with Senator Hobby. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 7. HARRY * Used to work for Treasury, but I * didn't go over to Homeland Security. * I'm with the Marshalls. * OSBOURNE If you want he'll show you his great big gun. HARRY Very amusing. The gun is actually no big deal. Twenty years in the marshall's service and I've never discharged my weapon. OSBOURNE Sounds like something you should be telling your psychiatrist. HARRY What? I don't have a psychiatrist. DOUG MAGRUDER Boy, I guess my job is pretty undramatic. I'm on the legislative side. What do you do Mrs. Pfarrer? Do you also carry a gun? Harry laughs. HARRY Sandy writes children's books. SANDY I write children's books---- HARRY Oliver The Cat Who...Who..arghh----Who---- Choking on piece of cheese, coughing HARRY (CONT'D) ...Who Lives In The Rotunda. Excuse me. TINA Those are wonderful! My nieces and nephews---- 8. HARRY Yeah, it's a beloved series. You wouldn't believe her fan mail. Unghh. Are you sure this is goat cheese? KATIE Why don't you let your wife tell them about her own books, Harry? HARRY I'm sorry----was I---- KATIE Here, come in the kitchen, help me with the crudit s. 6 INT. COX KITCHEN - NIGHT 6 They enter. HARRY Goddamnit. He knows, doesn't he. He looks down at the floor. He stamps. HARRY (CONT'D) ... Nice floors. KATIE Knows what? Harry is looking around the kitchen, taking in the fixtures. Absently: HARRY About us, he knows about us. Little prick. KATIE Don't be an ass, he doesn't know a thing. Harry is staring down at the linoleum again. HARRY What is that, forbo? A6 EXT. STREET - NIGHT A6 A car drives by. 9. 7 INT. HARRY'S CAR - NIGHT 7 Harry driving, his wife next to him. A long beat. Finally: HARRY What a horse's ass. SANDY I don't know why we see them. Harry shrugs. HARRY Well, she's all right. SANDY She is a cold, stuck-up bitch. Harry opens his mouth to reply, considers, doesn't. They drive. 8 INT. COX MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT 8 KATIE She is staring, in front of a mirror, face covered in cold cream, one hand arrested on the way up to daub on more. KATIE You quit?! Osbourne is buttoning a pajama top. OSBOURNE Uh-huh. KATIE Well----Thank you for letting me know! OSBOURNE I tried to tell you this afternoon. KATIE You tried? You tried? And then---- what, the aphasia kicked in? OSBOURNE Our guests came. We---- 10. KATIE Why?! For fuck's sake, Ozzie! OSBOURNE I'm just----I don't know. I got so tired. KATIE You're tired. OSBOURNE Tired of swimming against the current. KATIE Uh-huh. OSBOURNE Independent thought is not only not valued there, they resist it, they fight it, the bureaucracy is positively---- KATIE Did you get a pension, or severance or something, or---- OSBOURNE I didn't retire you know, I, I quit. I don't want their benefits. KATIE But I suppose my benefits are all right, I suppose you can live with those, is that the idea? OSBOURNE It's not like that's the only way to make money. KATIE Yes? Yes? What're you gonna do? OSBOURNE I'll do some consulting. KATIE Consulting. OSBOURNE Yes, to help while I----I've always wanted to write. KATIE Write. Write what. 11. OSBOURNE I've been thinking about it. A book, a sort of, sort of memoir. Katie stares at him in the mirror. A beat. She bursts into laughter. 9 EXT. YACHT/AT SEA - DAY 9 THE BRIDGE A small yacht. Osbourne stands at the wheel, a light wind in his face, as the boat sails under motor power. After a beat he moves to the front of the boat. An old man sits on a bench on the prow facing out into the wind. He has snowy hair and a stern Yankee face. He wears a tweed cap. He doesn't much react to Osbourne's approach. OSBOURNE You okay there, Dad? The old man remains silent, staring. Osbourne sits next to him and idly tucks in the plaid blanket resting over the man's knees. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Dad, I left my job at the Agency... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I, uh... I'm sorry. Dad, government service is not what it was when you were in State. Things are different now. I don't know, maybe it's... it's... the Cold War ending; now it seems like it's all bureaucracy and no mission... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I'm writing a memoir. I think it's going to be pretty explosive. But I don't think you'll disapprove. I don't think you'll disapprove. Katie has had trouble accepting it. (MORE) 12. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) But... sometimes there's a higher patriotism, Dad. So we'll... Yes, change is hard. It's hard on Katie. But we'll be okay. We'll be okay. Life is change. This is good. We were all blocked up, Katie and me. This is, this is a blessing in disguise. I'll go into training, you know. Lay off the sauce. Like you did. You managed to do it. Finally. And then I can concentrate on, you know. New beginning. And this'll all have been for the best. Don't you think Dad? The old man stares out into the wind. Osbourne sniffles. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Cold. He taps the old man on the knee and rises. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I guess we should head back. 10 EXT. PIER - DAY 10 LONG SHOT THRU THE WINDSHIELD OF A CAR The sailboat docked at the end of a marina. Osbourne is pushing the old man in a wheel chair down the pier away from the boat. A MAN'S VOICE We've seen this... 11 INT. LAW FIRM - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY 11 THE MAN White hair, bushy eyebrows, a florid face. He is in a law- book lined conference room. He wears an expensive suit, suspenders, a white shirt with blue collar and cuffs. He is Bogus Terikhian. TERIKHIAN ... I know this kind of man. We've seen this. 13. Wider on the conference room shows that Katie Cox sits at the table, along with Terikhian, another lawyer, and an assistant. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Mrs. Cox, you can't let this man take advantage of you. And he will. He will. KATIE Yes. This is my fear. He's trying---- he says----he's trying to pull himself together, but... TERIKHIAN Look, sure, I----I'm obliged to tell you you should try to salvage things. And you should. People turn themselves around. Not unheard-of. But. You---- you haven't broached the possibility of divorce yet? KATIE No. TERIKHIAN Well that's good. Because first you should get all his financials. Before he's forewarned. Because here's a man, here's a man, practiced in deceit, this is almost, you could say it's his job, practiced at hiding things, and there is no reason, it is not improper, there is no reason for you not to get a picture of the household finances. Paper files, computer files, whatever----this is your prerogative. You can be a spy too, madam. Do this before you put him on alert. Before the turtle can draw in his head and his, uh... He waggles his hands, groping for the word. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Feet. He shrugs. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... And hopefully everything will work out. He will reform. But! If not: forewarned is forearmed. 14. 12 INT. COX HOUSE - DAY 12 Osbourne is splayed on an easy chair, wearing a bathrobe over pyjamas. He stares at the ceiling, motionless, arms out- flung, like Marat in his bathtub. A long still beat. A clock ticks. Abruptly Osbourne raises one hand to speak into a microcassette recorder. OSBOURNE We were young and committed and there was nothing we couldn't do. We thought of the Agency less as... less as... The thought, such as it was, peters out. Osbourne rises and wanders around the room, glassy-eyed. He suddenly raises the microcassette again. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... The principles of George Kennan----a personal hero of mine----were what animated us. In fact they were what had originally inspired me to enter government service. Like the State Department's China Hands of yore, or, in a different forum, in a different venue, in a different medium, in, um... "Murrow's Boys," the fabled----in a different---- He suddenly stops, head cocked, listening. Faintly, a ringing phone. 13 INT. COX BASEMENT STAIRWAY - DAY 13 At the cut Osbourne is thundering down a steep carpeted stairway. He inclines his head to clear the ceiling that juts over the bottom half of the stairwell. The phone is louder here. 14 INT. COX BASEMENT - DAY 14 A semi-finished basement with cheap paneling and a low dropped ceiling of water-stained Johnson-Armstrong tile. The ringing phone is on a cheap government-surplus desk. The answering machine, with Osbourne's voice, picks up: 15. MACHINE You have reached The Cox Group... Osbourne, robe flapping, shuffles hurriedly in his slippered feet toward the phone. MACHINE (CONT'D) ... We can't answer your call right now. Please leave a---- OSBOURNE (heavy breathing) Hello. He eases into the chair, having swiped up the phone. A listening beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Yes?... Oh, no... No, call her number... No, upstairs...No she's not, but leave it on her machine. 15 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY - LATER 15 We are looking over Osbourne's shoulder----he is still in his robe----as he sits hunched on an ottoman, looking at a daytime game show. A few beats of the show. Roaring laughter from the studio audience. Mild chuckle from Osbourne in the foreground. 16 INT LIVING ROOM - DAY - STILL LATER 16 Ticking clock. Osbourne paces with the microcassette recorder. He raises it with a thought, draws a breath, and then stops, and looks off. The ticking grandfather clock: ornate hands on an ornate clock face Two or three minutes to five. Osbourne stares for a long beat. 17 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 17 OSBOURNE Shoulders twisting as we hear ice clattering out of a tray. He pours coke sizzling onto the ice. 16. He pauses for a long beat. He takes a bottle of rum out of a cabinet. He pours some into a hatch-marked shot glass. He looks at it. The amber liquid tops the hatch mark. He conscientiously pours the overage back, murmuring: OSBOURNE Single... He dumps the shot into the Coke. 18 EXT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 18 As before, the boat, docked at the end of the marina pier, is seen in long shot through the windshield of a car. Closer on the boat. As water laps against pilings and the boat gently bobs and creaks, we hear, muffled, the sounds of a couple having sex. When it builds to climax we cut: 19 INT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 19 Minutes later. We hold on a door for a quiet beat, then we hear the gurgle of water, and then the door opens. Harry Pfarrer emerges from the small bathroom, buckling his belt. In the bedroom which he emerges into Katie Cox is just finishing dressing. Harry looks at his watch. HARRY I should try to get a run in. 20 INT. COX HOUSE - DUSK 20 Katie is letting herself in. KATIE Ozzie! Quiet. 21 INT. KITCHEN - DUSK 21 Katie enters and sees a note on the counter paperweighted by a plate of used lime wedges: 17. Honey, At Fenninger's. Reunion committee dinner. See you later. 22 EXT. POTOMAC BRIDGE - DUSK 22 Long-lens, hand-held, point-of-view seeming: Harry Pfarrer is jogging in his Treasury sweats. Closer on him. Brow furrows. He spins, jogs backwards, looking. His point-of-view: nothing unusual; traffic on the bridge, no pedestrians particularly close. Harry, mildly puzzled, slows and stops. He turns again. Point-of-view up the bridge: empty. Harry starts jogging again. 23 INT. COX BASEMENT - NIGHT 23 We are tracking toward the desk in the corner, at which Katie sits. She cracks open a CD case and loads the CD into Osbourne's computer. A suspense drone builds as we track in. Katie starts typing, then suddenly stops. She holds still, listening for noises in the house. Nothing. She resumes typing. We hear male voices beginning to swell in song. The voices continue after the suspense drone snaps off, at the cut to: 24 INT. FENNINGER'S - NIGHT 24 A musty steakhouse. On the walls are hunting-scene prints and steel engravings of English country houses. A placard resting on a chair outside the Georgian Room: CLOSED FOR PRIVATE PARTY. From inside the room, male voices: VOICES Tune every heart and every voice... 18. 25 INT. FENNINGER'S - GEORGIAN ROOM - NIGHT 25 A dozen middle-aged men around a long table, each holding high a glass. MEN ... Bid every care withdraw. Let all with one accord rejoice... The men are sweaty, tie-loosened, dinner-stuffed and boozy. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau... Close on Osbourne as a rotund middle-aged classmate fills his glass to brimming. The two sway unsteadily with the music.. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau my boys, Hoo-rah, hoo-rah, hoorah! All swing their glasses side-to-side in rhythm: MEN (CONT'D) ... Her sons... shall give... while they... shall live... Glasses are thrust high with a ringing finish: MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau! 26 INT. EXAM ROOM - DAY 26 A WOMAN'S ASS Bare. Pale. Middle-aged. Someone with a marker is drawing on the flesh to illustrate: DOCTOR (OFF) We take all the chicken fat off your buttocks, here... and here... And the upper arms. And a little off your tummy... The camera is arcing around a standing, naked, middle-aged woman, to reveal the doctor sitting on a stool in the examining room, facing her. He reaches forward again with the marker. 19. DOCTOR (OFF) (CONT'D) ...And we do breast augmentation with a tiny incision here... and here. PATIENT (OFF) Uh-huh. And what about the thigh area? DOCTOR Well we can do liposuction there as well, but that area will respond to exercise. Buttocks and upper arms begin to store more fat when you get up around forty, the body just tells it to go there, but the thighs will respond to toning exercises. PATIENT Uh-huh. I know, I can work out on my arms til the cows come home, but... DOCTOR Uh-huh. And of course there are also genetic factors. PATIENT The Litzkes are big. DOCTOR Uh-huh, well everything's---- PATIENT My mom had an ass that could pull a bus. DOCTOR Wow. Well that's a predispo---- PATIENT Father's side too, although Dad tends to carry his weight in front of him. DOCTOR Uh-huh. PATIENT In the gut area. Derriere, not so much. DOCTOR Okay. The continuing track around is also booming up to reveal the face of the patient, Linda Litzke. 20. LINDA And what about the face, you know, the window to the soul. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Very well put. Well your eyes are one of your best features. But we can do something about the incipient crow's feet. LINDA Baby crow's feet. Little chickling's feet. I mean chicks. Chickie chickie chickie. DOCTOR Ha-ha, yes, again, well put. You have a way with words. We cut here... He marks. DOCTOR (CONT'D) ... And we pull the skin tight, like stretching the skin over a drum. Not too tight, though. We don't want that "worked-on" look. You need sufficient slack for the face to remain expressive. LINDA Yeah, I don't wanna look like Boris Karloff. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Heh-heh, so you don't want a sex change! LINDA No, I'm all woman! 27 INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY 27 Doctor and patient, now dressed, sit on either side of a desk. DOCTOR So Linda, what we're talking about here is four different procedures. (ticks them off) The liposuction... The rhinoplasty... The facial tuck, which I would strongly recommend over the chemical peel---- 21. LINDA Yeah, I don't want to get anything burned off. DOCTOR And why should you. With that lovely skin. And lastly, the breast augmentation. Now we can also do something about the vaccine scar----I don't know if you wear sleeveless dresses much---- LINDA Not with these ham hocks! DOCTOR Yes, well once they're nice and svelte, post-op, you---- LINDA Well I don't know. Is the vaccine thing----can you counsel me on this? I don't know, is it unsightly? I see it a lot, a bunch of people have it. DOCTOR Absolutely! Some women don't mind it at all! Personal taste! 28 INT. HARDBODIES - DAY 28 Linda Litzke, in a Hardbodies polo shirt with "Linda" stitched on the breast, leans out of her semi-enclosed office on the gym floor. LINDA Chad! 29 INT. HARDBODIES - GYM FLOOR - DAY 29 Chad Feldheimer, trainer, fortyish and well-muscled, has a gym patron up on a table and is helping him stretch a leg back. PATRON Ow! CHAD I'm sorry, was that too much? 22. PATRON I felt a straining... a tightness in the... in the front of my ass... CHAD Well you're pretty tight. You have to feel it or---- LINDA (on the public address) Chad Feldheimer. Office. CHAD I'll be back in a minute. We'll work on opening those hips. 30 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY 30 Linda is tapping at her computer as Chad enters. LINDA I got a batch from BeWithMeDC dot com. Chad perches on the desk, chewing gum as he gazes at the screen. CHAD Oh wow. Any good? LINDA I don't know yet, just looking... How do you open this? CHAD Click on, uh... yeah... LINDA Oh my god! CHAD What? LINDA Oh my God, what a loser! She clicks. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser! She clicks. Chad is laughing. Linda scowls. 23. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser!... What is this! They should call this Mr. Saggy dot com. CHAD Cripes. LINDA Loser! CHAD Did you have to send a picture? LINDA No, only guys do. I submitted a verbal profile, turn-ons, turn-offs, et cetera. I'm really looking for someone with a sense of humor. CHAD That guy----wait----that guy wasn't bad. LINDA Him? CHAD No, before. LINDA Him? CHAD Yeah. He uh, he might not be a loser. LINDA How can you tell? CHAD That's a Brioni suit. LINDA Oh yeah? CHAD Shit yeah. LINDA (dubious) Does he look like he has a sense of humor? CHAD He looks like his optometrist has a sense of humor. 24. Linda slaps his arm. CHAD (CONT'D) ... Huh-huh-huh. What does he do? LINDA State Department. CHAD That's cool. LINDA His hair is... what is that? CHAD Plugs. 31 INT. GYM - NEXT DAY 31 Linda is showing someone around the floor. LINDA This is the cardio area. A lot of machines here so that, believe me, there's never a wait. What you're seeing now, this is our busiest time, and there's still a couple of open treadmills I see, three Stairmasters---- I call it the Butt-Blaster----couple of LifeCycles----Hi, Chad. Chad is working with a medicine ball and a heavy young woman. CHAD Hi Linda. Did you call that guy? LINDA Not yet! Chad is one of our trainers. I've just started internet dating and I got my first look at the, uh... CUSTOMER What service? LINDA BeWithMeDC dot com? CUSTOMER Nice. LINDA Have you used them? 25. CUSTOMER No----two friends did and they're both hooked up. With really special guys. LINDA That's fantastic. 32 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - LATER 32 Linda is leaning forward at her desk, phone wedged between ear and shoulder, one hand up at her forehead. After a long still beat: LINDA Yes! Another still beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... English! Beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Agent! Beat. LINDA DRIVING ... Agent! Agent! Beat. LINDA ... Yes, hi, this is Linda Litzke, should I give you my account number? You have it up? Okay. I was informed that I needed pre-approval for these surgeries, and then... Yes, it was denied. Listening, then: LINDA (CONT'D) ...No, those are four different operations... It's very complicated; I'm reinventing myself, it's a whole new look so it isn't just one thing, however, it's all approved by my doctor... But----madam! This is not----my job involves, you know, public interface! This is not... 26. Her jaw sets. She controls her fury. Quieter: LINDA (CONT'D) ... Yes I do understand. Could I speak to your supervisor please? 33 INT. TED'S OFFICE/LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY - MINUTES LATER 33 We are on a long lens point-of-view, from several cubicles over, of Linda, now slumped at her desk, head in her arms. We faintly hear her sobbing. Reverse shows Ted Treffon, middle-aged, balding, the soulful manager of Hardbodies. He looks at Linda, puzzled and a little alarmed. He tenses as if to rise but doesn't, and hovers uncomfortably, unsure of whether to intrude. 34 EXT. WASHINGTON MALL - DAY 34 Linda walks down the promenade dressed in a smart pant suit. Her moving POV passes over a couple in conversation, an old woman feeding the birds, a man in a business suit reading a newspaper. She passes the man and turns around. He has looked up from the paper and is staring at her. He wears aviator-shaped glasses with clear plastic rims. He may have hair plugs. LINDA Alan? MAN (ALAN) Are you, uh... Linda? 35 EXT. CIRCLE THEATRE - DUSK 35 A poster advertises Totally Stoked! with Dermot Mulroney and Claire Danes. 36 INT. THEATRE - NIGHT 36 On the screen, Dermot Mulroney, dressed in a tuxedo, cranes his head to look steeply up and off. Linda sits next to Alan in the half-empty theatre, nervously watching the screen. 27. DERMOT (OFF) First you tell me that you can't commit, then you----WOULD YOU GET DOWN FROM THERE! Linda laughs raucously, then catches herself and looks at Alan. 37 INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT 37 The couple sit across from each other at a small table. They pick at their food. 38 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - NIGHT 38 The couple are making love in the dark room on a frilly comforter. Alan, still wearing his glasses, wheezes asthmatically. 39 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - LATER 39 Alan is snoring. After a long beat Linda gets up and puts on a robe. She bends down near the bed and picks something up out of Alan's trousers. 40 INT. LINDA'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 40 She sits into a chair near the window in the dark room and opens Alan's wallet. A Discover card, driver's license, a condom. A photograph of Alan holding a large bluefish. She unfolds a piece of notepaper. Written in a feminine hand in pencil: Please pick up: Plunge Honey Nut Cheerios. LINDA Oh for Pete's sake! She catches herself, looks around. The snoring, off, continues. She looks out the window. The lights of the freeway twinkle. 28. 41 INT. YACHT - NIGHT 41 We are in the bedroom. The boat rides gently at anchor. Harry has an arm around Katie, in bed. Both stare at a point in space. After a beat that is silent except for the faint sloshing of water against hull: HARRY ... and then, you know, you grow up. I guess that's what's happened with me. You just... people change. We married when I was, what, in my mid- twenties. A kid. We were kids. Twenties. You think it's forever. Then, you know, you're older----you begin to feel your mortality, you start to think, well, there's no more

guessed

How many times the word 'guessed' appears in the text?

Burn After Reading Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS BURN AFTER READING Written by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen FADE IN 1 EXT. EASTERN SEABOARD - AERIALS - DAY 1 High in the air----so high we an see the curvature of the earth. The eastern seaboard stretches away, flecked with clouds. As we dissolve in closer the picture bleaches of color. We are looking down at the city of Washington, D.C. Dissolve closer still: a black-and-white aerial photograph of a neighborhood in suburban D.C. dominated by a sprawling building. Computer type quickly bleeps on: C.I.A. Headquarters Langley, Virginia 2 INT. CIA - HALLWAY - DAY 2 We track at floor level, following the well shined shoes of someone walking down the well polished hallway. 3 INT. PALMER'S OFFICE - DAY 3 We hear a door opening and a silver-haired man rises behind his desk. A nameplate on the desk identifies him as Palmer DeBakey Smith. PALMER Ozzie. Sit down. Osbourne Cox, entering, is a middle-aged man in a striped shirt and bow tie. OSBOURNE Palmer. What's up. PALMER You know Peck, and Olson. The two men, sitting on chairs facing the desk, nod at Osbourne, who is surprised to see them. OSBOURNE Peck, yes, hiya. Olson, by reputation. Hi, Osbourne Cox. OLSON Yeah, hiyah. 2. OSBOURNE Aren't you with...aren't you, uh... Palmer jumps in: PALMER Yeah, that's right. Oz, look. There's no easy way to say this. We're taking you off the Balkans desk. OSBOURNE You're----what? Why? PALMER In fact we're moving you out of Sigint entirely. OSBOURNE ...What? No discussion, just----you're out? PALMER Well, we're having the discussion now Oz. This doesn't have to be unpleasant. OSBOURNE Palmer, with all due respect----what the fuck are you talking about? A beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... And why is Olson here? Another uncomfortable beat. PALMER ... Look, Ozzie---- OSBOURNE What the fuck is this?! Is it my----I know it's not my work. PALMER Ozzie---- OSBOURNE I'm a great fucking analyst! Is it---- PALMER Oz, things are not going well. As you know. 3. PECK You have a drinking problem. Stunned silence. Ozzie turns to look at Peck. At length: OSBOURNE I have a drinking problem. PALMER This doesn't have to be unpleasant. We found you something in State. It's a, uh... He gropes, uncomfortable. PALMER (CONT'D) ... It's a lower clearance level. Yes. But we're not, this isn't, we're not terminating you. OSBOURNE (quietly) This is an assault. PECK Come on, Ozzie. OSBOURNE This is an assault. I have a drinking problem? Fuck you, Peck, you're a Mormon! PECK Ozzie---- OSBOURNE Next to you we all have a drinking problem! Fuck you guys! Whose ass didn't I kiss? Let's be honest! Palmer nods at Olson. PALMER Okay, Olson---- OSBOURNE Let's be fucking honest... Osbourne gets to his feet, agitated. 4. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... This is a crucifixion! This is political! Don't tell me it's not! He storms out the door. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I have a drinking problem! The door slams. Palmer Smith looks at Olson. Olson arches an eyebrow. 4 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 4 OSBOURNE Bow tie loosened, he stands at a kitchen counter. His shoulders twist as he does something below frame: we hear the crackle of ice cubes wrenching loose from a tray. Behind him we see the apartment door opening. Katie, an attractive middle-aged woman, enters, taking her key out of the door, but stops, surprised to see Osbourne. KATIE You're home. Osbourne continues making himself a drink. OSBOURNE Hang on to your hat, honey. I have some news. I---- KATIE Did you pick up the cheeses? OSBOURNE Huh? KATIE Were they ready? I didn't know you were coming home this early. OSBOURNE (blank) The cheeses. Katie rolls her eyes. 5. KATIE I left a message for you to stop at Todaro's. The Magruders and the Pfarrers are coming over. OSBOURNE The Pfarrers? Ugh. I----what did Kathleen say? KATIE What? OSBOURNE When you left the message? KATIE She said. She would give you. The message. OSBOURNE Well she, I don't know, I guess we had bigger news today. My day didn't revolve arou---- KATIE So you didn't get the cheeses. OSBOURNE Well, since I didn't get the message, no, I didn't get the cheeses. But hang on to your hat, I---- KATIE Oh for fuck's sake, Ozzie, you mean I have to go out again? All right, well, you better get dressed. OSBOURNE Honey, we have to talk. KATIE Not right now. They'll be here in, what, less than an hour. 5 INT. COX LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 5 A hand hovers, hesitates. VOICE Is this a, uh, goat cheese? OSBOURNE (OFF) Chevre, yes, that is a goat cheese. Pink Revision 8/14/07 6. Wider shows the cocktail party, meagerly attended but in full swing. Besides Osbourne and Katie there is Harry Pfarrer (who has just inquired about the cheese), bearded, forties, rugged; his wife Sandy; and a shiny-faced young couple, Doug and Tina Magruder. Osbourne holds a cocktail tumbler. HARRY Because I have lactose reflux. But I can---- OSBOURNE You're lactose intolerant? HARRY Yes, but I can---- OSBOURNE Or you have acid reflux? They're two different things. Harry looks at him coldly. HARRY I know what they are. OSBOURNE Then you misspoke yourself. So I---- HARRY Thank you for correcting me. KATIE You should try the chevre, Harry. It's very good. HARRY Yeah. I can eat goat cheese. He eats a piece, cupping one hand under his mouth. HARRY (CONT'D) ... I was just explaining to your husband here, I have a condition---- Katie tries to separate the two men by including Doug Magruder. KATIE Harry works with the Marshalls' * Service. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 6A. DOUG MAGRUDER Ah. I'm on the legislative side, I * work with Senator Hobby. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 7. HARRY * Used to work for Treasury, but I * didn't go over to Homeland Security. * I'm with the Marshalls. * OSBOURNE If you want he'll show you his great big gun. HARRY Very amusing. The gun is actually no big deal. Twenty years in the marshall's service and I've never discharged my weapon. OSBOURNE Sounds like something you should be telling your psychiatrist. HARRY What? I don't have a psychiatrist. DOUG MAGRUDER Boy, I guess my job is pretty undramatic. I'm on the legislative side. What do you do Mrs. Pfarrer? Do you also carry a gun? Harry laughs. HARRY Sandy writes children's books. SANDY I write children's books---- HARRY Oliver The Cat Who...Who..arghh----Who---- Choking on piece of cheese, coughing HARRY (CONT'D) ...Who Lives In The Rotunda. Excuse me. TINA Those are wonderful! My nieces and nephews---- 8. HARRY Yeah, it's a beloved series. You wouldn't believe her fan mail. Unghh. Are you sure this is goat cheese? KATIE Why don't you let your wife tell them about her own books, Harry? HARRY I'm sorry----was I---- KATIE Here, come in the kitchen, help me with the crudit s. 6 INT. COX KITCHEN - NIGHT 6 They enter. HARRY Goddamnit. He knows, doesn't he. He looks down at the floor. He stamps. HARRY (CONT'D) ... Nice floors. KATIE Knows what? Harry is looking around the kitchen, taking in the fixtures. Absently: HARRY About us, he knows about us. Little prick. KATIE Don't be an ass, he doesn't know a thing. Harry is staring down at the linoleum again. HARRY What is that, forbo? A6 EXT. STREET - NIGHT A6 A car drives by. 9. 7 INT. HARRY'S CAR - NIGHT 7 Harry driving, his wife next to him. A long beat. Finally: HARRY What a horse's ass. SANDY I don't know why we see them. Harry shrugs. HARRY Well, she's all right. SANDY She is a cold, stuck-up bitch. Harry opens his mouth to reply, considers, doesn't. They drive. 8 INT. COX MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT 8 KATIE She is staring, in front of a mirror, face covered in cold cream, one hand arrested on the way up to daub on more. KATIE You quit?! Osbourne is buttoning a pajama top. OSBOURNE Uh-huh. KATIE Well----Thank you for letting me know! OSBOURNE I tried to tell you this afternoon. KATIE You tried? You tried? And then---- what, the aphasia kicked in? OSBOURNE Our guests came. We---- 10. KATIE Why?! For fuck's sake, Ozzie! OSBOURNE I'm just----I don't know. I got so tired. KATIE You're tired. OSBOURNE Tired of swimming against the current. KATIE Uh-huh. OSBOURNE Independent thought is not only not valued there, they resist it, they fight it, the bureaucracy is positively---- KATIE Did you get a pension, or severance or something, or---- OSBOURNE I didn't retire you know, I, I quit. I don't want their benefits. KATIE But I suppose my benefits are all right, I suppose you can live with those, is that the idea? OSBOURNE It's not like that's the only way to make money. KATIE Yes? Yes? What're you gonna do? OSBOURNE I'll do some consulting. KATIE Consulting. OSBOURNE Yes, to help while I----I've always wanted to write. KATIE Write. Write what. 11. OSBOURNE I've been thinking about it. A book, a sort of, sort of memoir. Katie stares at him in the mirror. A beat. She bursts into laughter. 9 EXT. YACHT/AT SEA - DAY 9 THE BRIDGE A small yacht. Osbourne stands at the wheel, a light wind in his face, as the boat sails under motor power. After a beat he moves to the front of the boat. An old man sits on a bench on the prow facing out into the wind. He has snowy hair and a stern Yankee face. He wears a tweed cap. He doesn't much react to Osbourne's approach. OSBOURNE You okay there, Dad? The old man remains silent, staring. Osbourne sits next to him and idly tucks in the plaid blanket resting over the man's knees. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Dad, I left my job at the Agency... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I, uh... I'm sorry. Dad, government service is not what it was when you were in State. Things are different now. I don't know, maybe it's... it's... the Cold War ending; now it seems like it's all bureaucracy and no mission... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I'm writing a memoir. I think it's going to be pretty explosive. But I don't think you'll disapprove. I don't think you'll disapprove. Katie has had trouble accepting it. (MORE) 12. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) But... sometimes there's a higher patriotism, Dad. So we'll... Yes, change is hard. It's hard on Katie. But we'll be okay. We'll be okay. Life is change. This is good. We were all blocked up, Katie and me. This is, this is a blessing in disguise. I'll go into training, you know. Lay off the sauce. Like you did. You managed to do it. Finally. And then I can concentrate on, you know. New beginning. And this'll all have been for the best. Don't you think Dad? The old man stares out into the wind. Osbourne sniffles. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Cold. He taps the old man on the knee and rises. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I guess we should head back. 10 EXT. PIER - DAY 10 LONG SHOT THRU THE WINDSHIELD OF A CAR The sailboat docked at the end of a marina. Osbourne is pushing the old man in a wheel chair down the pier away from the boat. A MAN'S VOICE We've seen this... 11 INT. LAW FIRM - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY 11 THE MAN White hair, bushy eyebrows, a florid face. He is in a law- book lined conference room. He wears an expensive suit, suspenders, a white shirt with blue collar and cuffs. He is Bogus Terikhian. TERIKHIAN ... I know this kind of man. We've seen this. 13. Wider on the conference room shows that Katie Cox sits at the table, along with Terikhian, another lawyer, and an assistant. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Mrs. Cox, you can't let this man take advantage of you. And he will. He will. KATIE Yes. This is my fear. He's trying---- he says----he's trying to pull himself together, but... TERIKHIAN Look, sure, I----I'm obliged to tell you you should try to salvage things. And you should. People turn themselves around. Not unheard-of. But. You---- you haven't broached the possibility of divorce yet? KATIE No. TERIKHIAN Well that's good. Because first you should get all his financials. Before he's forewarned. Because here's a man, here's a man, practiced in deceit, this is almost, you could say it's his job, practiced at hiding things, and there is no reason, it is not improper, there is no reason for you not to get a picture of the household finances. Paper files, computer files, whatever----this is your prerogative. You can be a spy too, madam. Do this before you put him on alert. Before the turtle can draw in his head and his, uh... He waggles his hands, groping for the word. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Feet. He shrugs. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... And hopefully everything will work out. He will reform. But! If not: forewarned is forearmed. 14. 12 INT. COX HOUSE - DAY 12 Osbourne is splayed on an easy chair, wearing a bathrobe over pyjamas. He stares at the ceiling, motionless, arms out- flung, like Marat in his bathtub. A long still beat. A clock ticks. Abruptly Osbourne raises one hand to speak into a microcassette recorder. OSBOURNE We were young and committed and there was nothing we couldn't do. We thought of the Agency less as... less as... The thought, such as it was, peters out. Osbourne rises and wanders around the room, glassy-eyed. He suddenly raises the microcassette again. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... The principles of George Kennan----a personal hero of mine----were what animated us. In fact they were what had originally inspired me to enter government service. Like the State Department's China Hands of yore, or, in a different forum, in a different venue, in a different medium, in, um... "Murrow's Boys," the fabled----in a different---- He suddenly stops, head cocked, listening. Faintly, a ringing phone. 13 INT. COX BASEMENT STAIRWAY - DAY 13 At the cut Osbourne is thundering down a steep carpeted stairway. He inclines his head to clear the ceiling that juts over the bottom half of the stairwell. The phone is louder here. 14 INT. COX BASEMENT - DAY 14 A semi-finished basement with cheap paneling and a low dropped ceiling of water-stained Johnson-Armstrong tile. The ringing phone is on a cheap government-surplus desk. The answering machine, with Osbourne's voice, picks up: 15. MACHINE You have reached The Cox Group... Osbourne, robe flapping, shuffles hurriedly in his slippered feet toward the phone. MACHINE (CONT'D) ... We can't answer your call right now. Please leave a---- OSBOURNE (heavy breathing) Hello. He eases into the chair, having swiped up the phone. A listening beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Yes?... Oh, no... No, call her number... No, upstairs...No she's not, but leave it on her machine. 15 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY - LATER 15 We are looking over Osbourne's shoulder----he is still in his robe----as he sits hunched on an ottoman, looking at a daytime game show. A few beats of the show. Roaring laughter from the studio audience. Mild chuckle from Osbourne in the foreground. 16 INT LIVING ROOM - DAY - STILL LATER 16 Ticking clock. Osbourne paces with the microcassette recorder. He raises it with a thought, draws a breath, and then stops, and looks off. The ticking grandfather clock: ornate hands on an ornate clock face Two or three minutes to five. Osbourne stares for a long beat. 17 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 17 OSBOURNE Shoulders twisting as we hear ice clattering out of a tray. He pours coke sizzling onto the ice. 16. He pauses for a long beat. He takes a bottle of rum out of a cabinet. He pours some into a hatch-marked shot glass. He looks at it. The amber liquid tops the hatch mark. He conscientiously pours the overage back, murmuring: OSBOURNE Single... He dumps the shot into the Coke. 18 EXT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 18 As before, the boat, docked at the end of the marina pier, is seen in long shot through the windshield of a car. Closer on the boat. As water laps against pilings and the boat gently bobs and creaks, we hear, muffled, the sounds of a couple having sex. When it builds to climax we cut: 19 INT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 19 Minutes later. We hold on a door for a quiet beat, then we hear the gurgle of water, and then the door opens. Harry Pfarrer emerges from the small bathroom, buckling his belt. In the bedroom which he emerges into Katie Cox is just finishing dressing. Harry looks at his watch. HARRY I should try to get a run in. 20 INT. COX HOUSE - DUSK 20 Katie is letting herself in. KATIE Ozzie! Quiet. 21 INT. KITCHEN - DUSK 21 Katie enters and sees a note on the counter paperweighted by a plate of used lime wedges: 17. Honey, At Fenninger's. Reunion committee dinner. See you later. 22 EXT. POTOMAC BRIDGE - DUSK 22 Long-lens, hand-held, point-of-view seeming: Harry Pfarrer is jogging in his Treasury sweats. Closer on him. Brow furrows. He spins, jogs backwards, looking. His point-of-view: nothing unusual; traffic on the bridge, no pedestrians particularly close. Harry, mildly puzzled, slows and stops. He turns again. Point-of-view up the bridge: empty. Harry starts jogging again. 23 INT. COX BASEMENT - NIGHT 23 We are tracking toward the desk in the corner, at which Katie sits. She cracks open a CD case and loads the CD into Osbourne's computer. A suspense drone builds as we track in. Katie starts typing, then suddenly stops. She holds still, listening for noises in the house. Nothing. She resumes typing. We hear male voices beginning to swell in song. The voices continue after the suspense drone snaps off, at the cut to: 24 INT. FENNINGER'S - NIGHT 24 A musty steakhouse. On the walls are hunting-scene prints and steel engravings of English country houses. A placard resting on a chair outside the Georgian Room: CLOSED FOR PRIVATE PARTY. From inside the room, male voices: VOICES Tune every heart and every voice... 18. 25 INT. FENNINGER'S - GEORGIAN ROOM - NIGHT 25 A dozen middle-aged men around a long table, each holding high a glass. MEN ... Bid every care withdraw. Let all with one accord rejoice... The men are sweaty, tie-loosened, dinner-stuffed and boozy. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau... Close on Osbourne as a rotund middle-aged classmate fills his glass to brimming. The two sway unsteadily with the music.. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau my boys, Hoo-rah, hoo-rah, hoorah! All swing their glasses side-to-side in rhythm: MEN (CONT'D) ... Her sons... shall give... while they... shall live... Glasses are thrust high with a ringing finish: MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau! 26 INT. EXAM ROOM - DAY 26 A WOMAN'S ASS Bare. Pale. Middle-aged. Someone with a marker is drawing on the flesh to illustrate: DOCTOR (OFF) We take all the chicken fat off your buttocks, here... and here... And the upper arms. And a little off your tummy... The camera is arcing around a standing, naked, middle-aged woman, to reveal the doctor sitting on a stool in the examining room, facing her. He reaches forward again with the marker. 19. DOCTOR (OFF) (CONT'D) ...And we do breast augmentation with a tiny incision here... and here. PATIENT (OFF) Uh-huh. And what about the thigh area? DOCTOR Well we can do liposuction there as well, but that area will respond to exercise. Buttocks and upper arms begin to store more fat when you get up around forty, the body just tells it to go there, but the thighs will respond to toning exercises. PATIENT Uh-huh. I know, I can work out on my arms til the cows come home, but... DOCTOR Uh-huh. And of course there are also genetic factors. PATIENT The Litzkes are big. DOCTOR Uh-huh, well everything's---- PATIENT My mom had an ass that could pull a bus. DOCTOR Wow. Well that's a predispo---- PATIENT Father's side too, although Dad tends to carry his weight in front of him. DOCTOR Uh-huh. PATIENT In the gut area. Derriere, not so much. DOCTOR Okay. The continuing track around is also booming up to reveal the face of the patient, Linda Litzke. 20. LINDA And what about the face, you know, the window to the soul. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Very well put. Well your eyes are one of your best features. But we can do something about the incipient crow's feet. LINDA Baby crow's feet. Little chickling's feet. I mean chicks. Chickie chickie chickie. DOCTOR Ha-ha, yes, again, well put. You have a way with words. We cut here... He marks. DOCTOR (CONT'D) ... And we pull the skin tight, like stretching the skin over a drum. Not too tight, though. We don't want that "worked-on" look. You need sufficient slack for the face to remain expressive. LINDA Yeah, I don't wanna look like Boris Karloff. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Heh-heh, so you don't want a sex change! LINDA No, I'm all woman! 27 INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY 27 Doctor and patient, now dressed, sit on either side of a desk. DOCTOR So Linda, what we're talking about here is four different procedures. (ticks them off) The liposuction... The rhinoplasty... The facial tuck, which I would strongly recommend over the chemical peel---- 21. LINDA Yeah, I don't want to get anything burned off. DOCTOR And why should you. With that lovely skin. And lastly, the breast augmentation. Now we can also do something about the vaccine scar----I don't know if you wear sleeveless dresses much---- LINDA Not with these ham hocks! DOCTOR Yes, well once they're nice and svelte, post-op, you---- LINDA Well I don't know. Is the vaccine thing----can you counsel me on this? I don't know, is it unsightly? I see it a lot, a bunch of people have it. DOCTOR Absolutely! Some women don't mind it at all! Personal taste! 28 INT. HARDBODIES - DAY 28 Linda Litzke, in a Hardbodies polo shirt with "Linda" stitched on the breast, leans out of her semi-enclosed office on the gym floor. LINDA Chad! 29 INT. HARDBODIES - GYM FLOOR - DAY 29 Chad Feldheimer, trainer, fortyish and well-muscled, has a gym patron up on a table and is helping him stretch a leg back. PATRON Ow! CHAD I'm sorry, was that too much? 22. PATRON I felt a straining... a tightness in the... in the front of my ass... CHAD Well you're pretty tight. You have to feel it or---- LINDA (on the public address) Chad Feldheimer. Office. CHAD I'll be back in a minute. We'll work on opening those hips. 30 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY 30 Linda is tapping at her computer as Chad enters. LINDA I got a batch from BeWithMeDC dot com. Chad perches on the desk, chewing gum as he gazes at the screen. CHAD Oh wow. Any good? LINDA I don't know yet, just looking... How do you open this? CHAD Click on, uh... yeah... LINDA Oh my god! CHAD What? LINDA Oh my God, what a loser! She clicks. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser! She clicks. Chad is laughing. Linda scowls. 23. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser!... What is this! They should call this Mr. Saggy dot com. CHAD Cripes. LINDA Loser! CHAD Did you have to send a picture? LINDA No, only guys do. I submitted a verbal profile, turn-ons, turn-offs, et cetera. I'm really looking for someone with a sense of humor. CHAD That guy----wait----that guy wasn't bad. LINDA Him? CHAD No, before. LINDA Him? CHAD Yeah. He uh, he might not be a loser. LINDA How can you tell? CHAD That's a Brioni suit. LINDA Oh yeah? CHAD Shit yeah. LINDA (dubious) Does he look like he has a sense of humor? CHAD He looks like his optometrist has a sense of humor. 24. Linda slaps his arm. CHAD (CONT'D) ... Huh-huh-huh. What does he do? LINDA State Department. CHAD That's cool. LINDA His hair is... what is that? CHAD Plugs. 31 INT. GYM - NEXT DAY 31 Linda is showing someone around the floor. LINDA This is the cardio area. A lot of machines here so that, believe me, there's never a wait. What you're seeing now, this is our busiest time, and there's still a couple of open treadmills I see, three Stairmasters---- I call it the Butt-Blaster----couple of LifeCycles----Hi, Chad. Chad is working with a medicine ball and a heavy young woman. CHAD Hi Linda. Did you call that guy? LINDA Not yet! Chad is one of our trainers. I've just started internet dating and I got my first look at the, uh... CUSTOMER What service? LINDA BeWithMeDC dot com? CUSTOMER Nice. LINDA Have you used them? 25. CUSTOMER No----two friends did and they're both hooked up. With really special guys. LINDA That's fantastic. 32 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - LATER 32 Linda is leaning forward at her desk, phone wedged between ear and shoulder, one hand up at her forehead. After a long still beat: LINDA Yes! Another still beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... English! Beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Agent! Beat. LINDA DRIVING ... Agent! Agent! Beat. LINDA ... Yes, hi, this is Linda Litzke, should I give you my account number? You have it up? Okay. I was informed that I needed pre-approval for these surgeries, and then... Yes, it was denied. Listening, then: LINDA (CONT'D) ...No, those are four different operations... It's very complicated; I'm reinventing myself, it's a whole new look so it isn't just one thing, however, it's all approved by my doctor... But----madam! This is not----my job involves, you know, public interface! This is not... 26. Her jaw sets. She controls her fury. Quieter: LINDA (CONT'D) ... Yes I do understand. Could I speak to your supervisor please? 33 INT. TED'S OFFICE/LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY - MINUTES LATER 33 We are on a long lens point-of-view, from several cubicles over, of Linda, now slumped at her desk, head in her arms. We faintly hear her sobbing. Reverse shows Ted Treffon, middle-aged, balding, the soulful manager of Hardbodies. He looks at Linda, puzzled and a little alarmed. He tenses as if to rise but doesn't, and hovers uncomfortably, unsure of whether to intrude. 34 EXT. WASHINGTON MALL - DAY 34 Linda walks down the promenade dressed in a smart pant suit. Her moving POV passes over a couple in conversation, an old woman feeding the birds, a man in a business suit reading a newspaper. She passes the man and turns around. He has looked up from the paper and is staring at her. He wears aviator-shaped glasses with clear plastic rims. He may have hair plugs. LINDA Alan? MAN (ALAN) Are you, uh... Linda? 35 EXT. CIRCLE THEATRE - DUSK 35 A poster advertises Totally Stoked! with Dermot Mulroney and Claire Danes. 36 INT. THEATRE - NIGHT 36 On the screen, Dermot Mulroney, dressed in a tuxedo, cranes his head to look steeply up and off. Linda sits next to Alan in the half-empty theatre, nervously watching the screen. 27. DERMOT (OFF) First you tell me that you can't commit, then you----WOULD YOU GET DOWN FROM THERE! Linda laughs raucously, then catches herself and looks at Alan. 37 INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT 37 The couple sit across from each other at a small table. They pick at their food. 38 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - NIGHT 38 The couple are making love in the dark room on a frilly comforter. Alan, still wearing his glasses, wheezes asthmatically. 39 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - LATER 39 Alan is snoring. After a long beat Linda gets up and puts on a robe. She bends down near the bed and picks something up out of Alan's trousers. 40 INT. LINDA'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 40 She sits into a chair near the window in the dark room and opens Alan's wallet. A Discover card, driver's license, a condom. A photograph of Alan holding a large bluefish. She unfolds a piece of notepaper. Written in a feminine hand in pencil: Please pick up: Plunge Honey Nut Cheerios. LINDA Oh for Pete's sake! She catches herself, looks around. The snoring, off, continues. She looks out the window. The lights of the freeway twinkle. 28. 41 INT. YACHT - NIGHT 41 We are in the bedroom. The boat rides gently at anchor. Harry has an arm around Katie, in bed. Both stare at a point in space. After a beat that is silent except for the faint sloshing of water against hull: HARRY ... and then, you know, you grow up. I guess that's what's happened with me. You just... people change. We married when I was, what, in my mid- twenties. A kid. We were kids. Twenties. You think it's forever. Then, you know, you're older----you begin to feel your mortality, you start to think, well, there's no more

suspenders

How many times the word 'suspenders' appears in the text?

Burn After Reading Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS BURN AFTER READING Written by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen FADE IN 1 EXT. EASTERN SEABOARD - AERIALS - DAY 1 High in the air----so high we an see the curvature of the earth. The eastern seaboard stretches away, flecked with clouds. As we dissolve in closer the picture bleaches of color. We are looking down at the city of Washington, D.C. Dissolve closer still: a black-and-white aerial photograph of a neighborhood in suburban D.C. dominated by a sprawling building. Computer type quickly bleeps on: C.I.A. Headquarters Langley, Virginia 2 INT. CIA - HALLWAY - DAY 2 We track at floor level, following the well shined shoes of someone walking down the well polished hallway. 3 INT. PALMER'S OFFICE - DAY 3 We hear a door opening and a silver-haired man rises behind his desk. A nameplate on the desk identifies him as Palmer DeBakey Smith. PALMER Ozzie. Sit down. Osbourne Cox, entering, is a middle-aged man in a striped shirt and bow tie. OSBOURNE Palmer. What's up. PALMER You know Peck, and Olson. The two men, sitting on chairs facing the desk, nod at Osbourne, who is surprised to see them. OSBOURNE Peck, yes, hiya. Olson, by reputation. Hi, Osbourne Cox. OLSON Yeah, hiyah. 2. OSBOURNE Aren't you with...aren't you, uh... Palmer jumps in: PALMER Yeah, that's right. Oz, look. There's no easy way to say this. We're taking you off the Balkans desk. OSBOURNE You're----what? Why? PALMER In fact we're moving you out of Sigint entirely. OSBOURNE ...What? No discussion, just----you're out? PALMER Well, we're having the discussion now Oz. This doesn't have to be unpleasant. OSBOURNE Palmer, with all due respect----what the fuck are you talking about? A beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... And why is Olson here? Another uncomfortable beat. PALMER ... Look, Ozzie---- OSBOURNE What the fuck is this?! Is it my----I know it's not my work. PALMER Ozzie---- OSBOURNE I'm a great fucking analyst! Is it---- PALMER Oz, things are not going well. As you know. 3. PECK You have a drinking problem. Stunned silence. Ozzie turns to look at Peck. At length: OSBOURNE I have a drinking problem. PALMER This doesn't have to be unpleasant. We found you something in State. It's a, uh... He gropes, uncomfortable. PALMER (CONT'D) ... It's a lower clearance level. Yes. But we're not, this isn't, we're not terminating you. OSBOURNE (quietly) This is an assault. PECK Come on, Ozzie. OSBOURNE This is an assault. I have a drinking problem? Fuck you, Peck, you're a Mormon! PECK Ozzie---- OSBOURNE Next to you we all have a drinking problem! Fuck you guys! Whose ass didn't I kiss? Let's be honest! Palmer nods at Olson. PALMER Okay, Olson---- OSBOURNE Let's be fucking honest... Osbourne gets to his feet, agitated. 4. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... This is a crucifixion! This is political! Don't tell me it's not! He storms out the door. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I have a drinking problem! The door slams. Palmer Smith looks at Olson. Olson arches an eyebrow. 4 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 4 OSBOURNE Bow tie loosened, he stands at a kitchen counter. His shoulders twist as he does something below frame: we hear the crackle of ice cubes wrenching loose from a tray. Behind him we see the apartment door opening. Katie, an attractive middle-aged woman, enters, taking her key out of the door, but stops, surprised to see Osbourne. KATIE You're home. Osbourne continues making himself a drink. OSBOURNE Hang on to your hat, honey. I have some news. I---- KATIE Did you pick up the cheeses? OSBOURNE Huh? KATIE Were they ready? I didn't know you were coming home this early. OSBOURNE (blank) The cheeses. Katie rolls her eyes. 5. KATIE I left a message for you to stop at Todaro's. The Magruders and the Pfarrers are coming over. OSBOURNE The Pfarrers? Ugh. I----what did Kathleen say? KATIE What? OSBOURNE When you left the message? KATIE She said. She would give you. The message. OSBOURNE Well she, I don't know, I guess we had bigger news today. My day didn't revolve arou---- KATIE So you didn't get the cheeses. OSBOURNE Well, since I didn't get the message, no, I didn't get the cheeses. But hang on to your hat, I---- KATIE Oh for fuck's sake, Ozzie, you mean I have to go out again? All right, well, you better get dressed. OSBOURNE Honey, we have to talk. KATIE Not right now. They'll be here in, what, less than an hour. 5 INT. COX LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 5 A hand hovers, hesitates. VOICE Is this a, uh, goat cheese? OSBOURNE (OFF) Chevre, yes, that is a goat cheese. Pink Revision 8/14/07 6. Wider shows the cocktail party, meagerly attended but in full swing. Besides Osbourne and Katie there is Harry Pfarrer (who has just inquired about the cheese), bearded, forties, rugged; his wife Sandy; and a shiny-faced young couple, Doug and Tina Magruder. Osbourne holds a cocktail tumbler. HARRY Because I have lactose reflux. But I can---- OSBOURNE You're lactose intolerant? HARRY Yes, but I can---- OSBOURNE Or you have acid reflux? They're two different things. Harry looks at him coldly. HARRY I know what they are. OSBOURNE Then you misspoke yourself. So I---- HARRY Thank you for correcting me. KATIE You should try the chevre, Harry. It's very good. HARRY Yeah. I can eat goat cheese. He eats a piece, cupping one hand under his mouth. HARRY (CONT'D) ... I was just explaining to your husband here, I have a condition---- Katie tries to separate the two men by including Doug Magruder. KATIE Harry works with the Marshalls' * Service. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 6A. DOUG MAGRUDER Ah. I'm on the legislative side, I * work with Senator Hobby. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 7. HARRY * Used to work for Treasury, but I * didn't go over to Homeland Security. * I'm with the Marshalls. * OSBOURNE If you want he'll show you his great big gun. HARRY Very amusing. The gun is actually no big deal. Twenty years in the marshall's service and I've never discharged my weapon. OSBOURNE Sounds like something you should be telling your psychiatrist. HARRY What? I don't have a psychiatrist. DOUG MAGRUDER Boy, I guess my job is pretty undramatic. I'm on the legislative side. What do you do Mrs. Pfarrer? Do you also carry a gun? Harry laughs. HARRY Sandy writes children's books. SANDY I write children's books---- HARRY Oliver The Cat Who...Who..arghh----Who---- Choking on piece of cheese, coughing HARRY (CONT'D) ...Who Lives In The Rotunda. Excuse me. TINA Those are wonderful! My nieces and nephews---- 8. HARRY Yeah, it's a beloved series. You wouldn't believe her fan mail. Unghh. Are you sure this is goat cheese? KATIE Why don't you let your wife tell them about her own books, Harry? HARRY I'm sorry----was I---- KATIE Here, come in the kitchen, help me with the crudit s. 6 INT. COX KITCHEN - NIGHT 6 They enter. HARRY Goddamnit. He knows, doesn't he. He looks down at the floor. He stamps. HARRY (CONT'D) ... Nice floors. KATIE Knows what? Harry is looking around the kitchen, taking in the fixtures. Absently: HARRY About us, he knows about us. Little prick. KATIE Don't be an ass, he doesn't know a thing. Harry is staring down at the linoleum again. HARRY What is that, forbo? A6 EXT. STREET - NIGHT A6 A car drives by. 9. 7 INT. HARRY'S CAR - NIGHT 7 Harry driving, his wife next to him. A long beat. Finally: HARRY What a horse's ass. SANDY I don't know why we see them. Harry shrugs. HARRY Well, she's all right. SANDY She is a cold, stuck-up bitch. Harry opens his mouth to reply, considers, doesn't. They drive. 8 INT. COX MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT 8 KATIE She is staring, in front of a mirror, face covered in cold cream, one hand arrested on the way up to daub on more. KATIE You quit?! Osbourne is buttoning a pajama top. OSBOURNE Uh-huh. KATIE Well----Thank you for letting me know! OSBOURNE I tried to tell you this afternoon. KATIE You tried? You tried? And then---- what, the aphasia kicked in? OSBOURNE Our guests came. We---- 10. KATIE Why?! For fuck's sake, Ozzie! OSBOURNE I'm just----I don't know. I got so tired. KATIE You're tired. OSBOURNE Tired of swimming against the current. KATIE Uh-huh. OSBOURNE Independent thought is not only not valued there, they resist it, they fight it, the bureaucracy is positively---- KATIE Did you get a pension, or severance or something, or---- OSBOURNE I didn't retire you know, I, I quit. I don't want their benefits. KATIE But I suppose my benefits are all right, I suppose you can live with those, is that the idea? OSBOURNE It's not like that's the only way to make money. KATIE Yes? Yes? What're you gonna do? OSBOURNE I'll do some consulting. KATIE Consulting. OSBOURNE Yes, to help while I----I've always wanted to write. KATIE Write. Write what. 11. OSBOURNE I've been thinking about it. A book, a sort of, sort of memoir. Katie stares at him in the mirror. A beat. She bursts into laughter. 9 EXT. YACHT/AT SEA - DAY 9 THE BRIDGE A small yacht. Osbourne stands at the wheel, a light wind in his face, as the boat sails under motor power. After a beat he moves to the front of the boat. An old man sits on a bench on the prow facing out into the wind. He has snowy hair and a stern Yankee face. He wears a tweed cap. He doesn't much react to Osbourne's approach. OSBOURNE You okay there, Dad? The old man remains silent, staring. Osbourne sits next to him and idly tucks in the plaid blanket resting over the man's knees. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Dad, I left my job at the Agency... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I, uh... I'm sorry. Dad, government service is not what it was when you were in State. Things are different now. I don't know, maybe it's... it's... the Cold War ending; now it seems like it's all bureaucracy and no mission... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I'm writing a memoir. I think it's going to be pretty explosive. But I don't think you'll disapprove. I don't think you'll disapprove. Katie has had trouble accepting it. (MORE) 12. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) But... sometimes there's a higher patriotism, Dad. So we'll... Yes, change is hard. It's hard on Katie. But we'll be okay. We'll be okay. Life is change. This is good. We were all blocked up, Katie and me. This is, this is a blessing in disguise. I'll go into training, you know. Lay off the sauce. Like you did. You managed to do it. Finally. And then I can concentrate on, you know. New beginning. And this'll all have been for the best. Don't you think Dad? The old man stares out into the wind. Osbourne sniffles. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Cold. He taps the old man on the knee and rises. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I guess we should head back. 10 EXT. PIER - DAY 10 LONG SHOT THRU THE WINDSHIELD OF A CAR The sailboat docked at the end of a marina. Osbourne is pushing the old man in a wheel chair down the pier away from the boat. A MAN'S VOICE We've seen this... 11 INT. LAW FIRM - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY 11 THE MAN White hair, bushy eyebrows, a florid face. He is in a law- book lined conference room. He wears an expensive suit, suspenders, a white shirt with blue collar and cuffs. He is Bogus Terikhian. TERIKHIAN ... I know this kind of man. We've seen this. 13. Wider on the conference room shows that Katie Cox sits at the table, along with Terikhian, another lawyer, and an assistant. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Mrs. Cox, you can't let this man take advantage of you. And he will. He will. KATIE Yes. This is my fear. He's trying---- he says----he's trying to pull himself together, but... TERIKHIAN Look, sure, I----I'm obliged to tell you you should try to salvage things. And you should. People turn themselves around. Not unheard-of. But. You---- you haven't broached the possibility of divorce yet? KATIE No. TERIKHIAN Well that's good. Because first you should get all his financials. Before he's forewarned. Because here's a man, here's a man, practiced in deceit, this is almost, you could say it's his job, practiced at hiding things, and there is no reason, it is not improper, there is no reason for you not to get a picture of the household finances. Paper files, computer files, whatever----this is your prerogative. You can be a spy too, madam. Do this before you put him on alert. Before the turtle can draw in his head and his, uh... He waggles his hands, groping for the word. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Feet. He shrugs. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... And hopefully everything will work out. He will reform. But! If not: forewarned is forearmed. 14. 12 INT. COX HOUSE - DAY 12 Osbourne is splayed on an easy chair, wearing a bathrobe over pyjamas. He stares at the ceiling, motionless, arms out- flung, like Marat in his bathtub. A long still beat. A clock ticks. Abruptly Osbourne raises one hand to speak into a microcassette recorder. OSBOURNE We were young and committed and there was nothing we couldn't do. We thought of the Agency less as... less as... The thought, such as it was, peters out. Osbourne rises and wanders around the room, glassy-eyed. He suddenly raises the microcassette again. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... The principles of George Kennan----a personal hero of mine----were what animated us. In fact they were what had originally inspired me to enter government service. Like the State Department's China Hands of yore, or, in a different forum, in a different venue, in a different medium, in, um... "Murrow's Boys," the fabled----in a different---- He suddenly stops, head cocked, listening. Faintly, a ringing phone. 13 INT. COX BASEMENT STAIRWAY - DAY 13 At the cut Osbourne is thundering down a steep carpeted stairway. He inclines his head to clear the ceiling that juts over the bottom half of the stairwell. The phone is louder here. 14 INT. COX BASEMENT - DAY 14 A semi-finished basement with cheap paneling and a low dropped ceiling of water-stained Johnson-Armstrong tile. The ringing phone is on a cheap government-surplus desk. The answering machine, with Osbourne's voice, picks up: 15. MACHINE You have reached The Cox Group... Osbourne, robe flapping, shuffles hurriedly in his slippered feet toward the phone. MACHINE (CONT'D) ... We can't answer your call right now. Please leave a---- OSBOURNE (heavy breathing) Hello. He eases into the chair, having swiped up the phone. A listening beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Yes?... Oh, no... No, call her number... No, upstairs...No she's not, but leave it on her machine. 15 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY - LATER 15 We are looking over Osbourne's shoulder----he is still in his robe----as he sits hunched on an ottoman, looking at a daytime game show. A few beats of the show. Roaring laughter from the studio audience. Mild chuckle from Osbourne in the foreground. 16 INT LIVING ROOM - DAY - STILL LATER 16 Ticking clock. Osbourne paces with the microcassette recorder. He raises it with a thought, draws a breath, and then stops, and looks off. The ticking grandfather clock: ornate hands on an ornate clock face Two or three minutes to five. Osbourne stares for a long beat. 17 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 17 OSBOURNE Shoulders twisting as we hear ice clattering out of a tray. He pours coke sizzling onto the ice. 16. He pauses for a long beat. He takes a bottle of rum out of a cabinet. He pours some into a hatch-marked shot glass. He looks at it. The amber liquid tops the hatch mark. He conscientiously pours the overage back, murmuring: OSBOURNE Single... He dumps the shot into the Coke. 18 EXT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 18 As before, the boat, docked at the end of the marina pier, is seen in long shot through the windshield of a car. Closer on the boat. As water laps against pilings and the boat gently bobs and creaks, we hear, muffled, the sounds of a couple having sex. When it builds to climax we cut: 19 INT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 19 Minutes later. We hold on a door for a quiet beat, then we hear the gurgle of water, and then the door opens. Harry Pfarrer emerges from the small bathroom, buckling his belt. In the bedroom which he emerges into Katie Cox is just finishing dressing. Harry looks at his watch. HARRY I should try to get a run in. 20 INT. COX HOUSE - DUSK 20 Katie is letting herself in. KATIE Ozzie! Quiet. 21 INT. KITCHEN - DUSK 21 Katie enters and sees a note on the counter paperweighted by a plate of used lime wedges: 17. Honey, At Fenninger's. Reunion committee dinner. See you later. 22 EXT. POTOMAC BRIDGE - DUSK 22 Long-lens, hand-held, point-of-view seeming: Harry Pfarrer is jogging in his Treasury sweats. Closer on him. Brow furrows. He spins, jogs backwards, looking. His point-of-view: nothing unusual; traffic on the bridge, no pedestrians particularly close. Harry, mildly puzzled, slows and stops. He turns again. Point-of-view up the bridge: empty. Harry starts jogging again. 23 INT. COX BASEMENT - NIGHT 23 We are tracking toward the desk in the corner, at which Katie sits. She cracks open a CD case and loads the CD into Osbourne's computer. A suspense drone builds as we track in. Katie starts typing, then suddenly stops. She holds still, listening for noises in the house. Nothing. She resumes typing. We hear male voices beginning to swell in song. The voices continue after the suspense drone snaps off, at the cut to: 24 INT. FENNINGER'S - NIGHT 24 A musty steakhouse. On the walls are hunting-scene prints and steel engravings of English country houses. A placard resting on a chair outside the Georgian Room: CLOSED FOR PRIVATE PARTY. From inside the room, male voices: VOICES Tune every heart and every voice... 18. 25 INT. FENNINGER'S - GEORGIAN ROOM - NIGHT 25 A dozen middle-aged men around a long table, each holding high a glass. MEN ... Bid every care withdraw. Let all with one accord rejoice... The men are sweaty, tie-loosened, dinner-stuffed and boozy. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau... Close on Osbourne as a rotund middle-aged classmate fills his glass to brimming. The two sway unsteadily with the music.. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau my boys, Hoo-rah, hoo-rah, hoorah! All swing their glasses side-to-side in rhythm: MEN (CONT'D) ... Her sons... shall give... while they... shall live... Glasses are thrust high with a ringing finish: MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau! 26 INT. EXAM ROOM - DAY 26 A WOMAN'S ASS Bare. Pale. Middle-aged. Someone with a marker is drawing on the flesh to illustrate: DOCTOR (OFF) We take all the chicken fat off your buttocks, here... and here... And the upper arms. And a little off your tummy... The camera is arcing around a standing, naked, middle-aged woman, to reveal the doctor sitting on a stool in the examining room, facing her. He reaches forward again with the marker. 19. DOCTOR (OFF) (CONT'D) ...And we do breast augmentation with a tiny incision here... and here. PATIENT (OFF) Uh-huh. And what about the thigh area? DOCTOR Well we can do liposuction there as well, but that area will respond to exercise. Buttocks and upper arms begin to store more fat when you get up around forty, the body just tells it to go there, but the thighs will respond to toning exercises. PATIENT Uh-huh. I know, I can work out on my arms til the cows come home, but... DOCTOR Uh-huh. And of course there are also genetic factors. PATIENT The Litzkes are big. DOCTOR Uh-huh, well everything's---- PATIENT My mom had an ass that could pull a bus. DOCTOR Wow. Well that's a predispo---- PATIENT Father's side too, although Dad tends to carry his weight in front of him. DOCTOR Uh-huh. PATIENT In the gut area. Derriere, not so much. DOCTOR Okay. The continuing track around is also booming up to reveal the face of the patient, Linda Litzke. 20. LINDA And what about the face, you know, the window to the soul. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Very well put. Well your eyes are one of your best features. But we can do something about the incipient crow's feet. LINDA Baby crow's feet. Little chickling's feet. I mean chicks. Chickie chickie chickie. DOCTOR Ha-ha, yes, again, well put. You have a way with words. We cut here... He marks. DOCTOR (CONT'D) ... And we pull the skin tight, like stretching the skin over a drum. Not too tight, though. We don't want that "worked-on" look. You need sufficient slack for the face to remain expressive. LINDA Yeah, I don't wanna look like Boris Karloff. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Heh-heh, so you don't want a sex change! LINDA No, I'm all woman! 27 INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY 27 Doctor and patient, now dressed, sit on either side of a desk. DOCTOR So Linda, what we're talking about here is four different procedures. (ticks them off) The liposuction... The rhinoplasty... The facial tuck, which I would strongly recommend over the chemical peel---- 21. LINDA Yeah, I don't want to get anything burned off. DOCTOR And why should you. With that lovely skin. And lastly, the breast augmentation. Now we can also do something about the vaccine scar----I don't know if you wear sleeveless dresses much---- LINDA Not with these ham hocks! DOCTOR Yes, well once they're nice and svelte, post-op, you---- LINDA Well I don't know. Is the vaccine thing----can you counsel me on this? I don't know, is it unsightly? I see it a lot, a bunch of people have it. DOCTOR Absolutely! Some women don't mind it at all! Personal taste! 28 INT. HARDBODIES - DAY 28 Linda Litzke, in a Hardbodies polo shirt with "Linda" stitched on the breast, leans out of her semi-enclosed office on the gym floor. LINDA Chad! 29 INT. HARDBODIES - GYM FLOOR - DAY 29 Chad Feldheimer, trainer, fortyish and well-muscled, has a gym patron up on a table and is helping him stretch a leg back. PATRON Ow! CHAD I'm sorry, was that too much? 22. PATRON I felt a straining... a tightness in the... in the front of my ass... CHAD Well you're pretty tight. You have to feel it or---- LINDA (on the public address) Chad Feldheimer. Office. CHAD I'll be back in a minute. We'll work on opening those hips. 30 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY 30 Linda is tapping at her computer as Chad enters. LINDA I got a batch from BeWithMeDC dot com. Chad perches on the desk, chewing gum as he gazes at the screen. CHAD Oh wow. Any good? LINDA I don't know yet, just looking... How do you open this? CHAD Click on, uh... yeah... LINDA Oh my god! CHAD What? LINDA Oh my God, what a loser! She clicks. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser! She clicks. Chad is laughing. Linda scowls. 23. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser!... What is this! They should call this Mr. Saggy dot com. CHAD Cripes. LINDA Loser! CHAD Did you have to send a picture? LINDA No, only guys do. I submitted a verbal profile, turn-ons, turn-offs, et cetera. I'm really looking for someone with a sense of humor. CHAD That guy----wait----that guy wasn't bad. LINDA Him? CHAD No, before. LINDA Him? CHAD Yeah. He uh, he might not be a loser. LINDA How can you tell? CHAD That's a Brioni suit. LINDA Oh yeah? CHAD Shit yeah. LINDA (dubious) Does he look like he has a sense of humor? CHAD He looks like his optometrist has a sense of humor. 24. Linda slaps his arm. CHAD (CONT'D) ... Huh-huh-huh. What does he do? LINDA State Department. CHAD That's cool. LINDA His hair is... what is that? CHAD Plugs. 31 INT. GYM - NEXT DAY 31 Linda is showing someone around the floor. LINDA This is the cardio area. A lot of machines here so that, believe me, there's never a wait. What you're seeing now, this is our busiest time, and there's still a couple of open treadmills I see, three Stairmasters---- I call it the Butt-Blaster----couple of LifeCycles----Hi, Chad. Chad is working with a medicine ball and a heavy young woman. CHAD Hi Linda. Did you call that guy? LINDA Not yet! Chad is one of our trainers. I've just started internet dating and I got my first look at the, uh... CUSTOMER What service? LINDA BeWithMeDC dot com? CUSTOMER Nice. LINDA Have you used them? 25. CUSTOMER No----two friends did and they're both hooked up. With really special guys. LINDA That's fantastic. 32 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - LATER 32 Linda is leaning forward at her desk, phone wedged between ear and shoulder, one hand up at her forehead. After a long still beat: LINDA Yes! Another still beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... English! Beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Agent! Beat. LINDA DRIVING ... Agent! Agent! Beat. LINDA ... Yes, hi, this is Linda Litzke, should I give you my account number? You have it up? Okay. I was informed that I needed pre-approval for these surgeries, and then... Yes, it was denied. Listening, then: LINDA (CONT'D) ...No, those are four different operations... It's very complicated; I'm reinventing myself, it's a whole new look so it isn't just one thing, however, it's all approved by my doctor... But----madam! This is not----my job involves, you know, public interface! This is not... 26. Her jaw sets. She controls her fury. Quieter: LINDA (CONT'D) ... Yes I do understand. Could I speak to your supervisor please? 33 INT. TED'S OFFICE/LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY - MINUTES LATER 33 We are on a long lens point-of-view, from several cubicles over, of Linda, now slumped at her desk, head in her arms. We faintly hear her sobbing. Reverse shows Ted Treffon, middle-aged, balding, the soulful manager of Hardbodies. He looks at Linda, puzzled and a little alarmed. He tenses as if to rise but doesn't, and hovers uncomfortably, unsure of whether to intrude. 34 EXT. WASHINGTON MALL - DAY 34 Linda walks down the promenade dressed in a smart pant suit. Her moving POV passes over a couple in conversation, an old woman feeding the birds, a man in a business suit reading a newspaper. She passes the man and turns around. He has looked up from the paper and is staring at her. He wears aviator-shaped glasses with clear plastic rims. He may have hair plugs. LINDA Alan? MAN (ALAN) Are you, uh... Linda? 35 EXT. CIRCLE THEATRE - DUSK 35 A poster advertises Totally Stoked! with Dermot Mulroney and Claire Danes. 36 INT. THEATRE - NIGHT 36 On the screen, Dermot Mulroney, dressed in a tuxedo, cranes his head to look steeply up and off. Linda sits next to Alan in the half-empty theatre, nervously watching the screen. 27. DERMOT (OFF) First you tell me that you can't commit, then you----WOULD YOU GET DOWN FROM THERE! Linda laughs raucously, then catches herself and looks at Alan. 37 INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT 37 The couple sit across from each other at a small table. They pick at their food. 38 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - NIGHT 38 The couple are making love in the dark room on a frilly comforter. Alan, still wearing his glasses, wheezes asthmatically. 39 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - LATER 39 Alan is snoring. After a long beat Linda gets up and puts on a robe. She bends down near the bed and picks something up out of Alan's trousers. 40 INT. LINDA'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 40 She sits into a chair near the window in the dark room and opens Alan's wallet. A Discover card, driver's license, a condom. A photograph of Alan holding a large bluefish. She unfolds a piece of notepaper. Written in a feminine hand in pencil: Please pick up: Plunge Honey Nut Cheerios. LINDA Oh for Pete's sake! She catches herself, looks around. The snoring, off, continues. She looks out the window. The lights of the freeway twinkle. 28. 41 INT. YACHT - NIGHT 41 We are in the bedroom. The boat rides gently at anchor. Harry has an arm around Katie, in bed. Both stare at a point in space. After a beat that is silent except for the faint sloshing of water against hull: HARRY ... and then, you know, you grow up. I guess that's what's happened with me. You just... people change. We married when I was, what, in my mid- twenties. A kid. We were kids. Twenties. You think it's forever. Then, you know, you're older----you begin to feel your mortality, you start to think, well, there's no more

coen

How many times the word 'coen' appears in the text?

Burn After Reading Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS BURN AFTER READING Written by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen FADE IN 1 EXT. EASTERN SEABOARD - AERIALS - DAY 1 High in the air----so high we an see the curvature of the earth. The eastern seaboard stretches away, flecked with clouds. As we dissolve in closer the picture bleaches of color. We are looking down at the city of Washington, D.C. Dissolve closer still: a black-and-white aerial photograph of a neighborhood in suburban D.C. dominated by a sprawling building. Computer type quickly bleeps on: C.I.A. Headquarters Langley, Virginia 2 INT. CIA - HALLWAY - DAY 2 We track at floor level, following the well shined shoes of someone walking down the well polished hallway. 3 INT. PALMER'S OFFICE - DAY 3 We hear a door opening and a silver-haired man rises behind his desk. A nameplate on the desk identifies him as Palmer DeBakey Smith. PALMER Ozzie. Sit down. Osbourne Cox, entering, is a middle-aged man in a striped shirt and bow tie. OSBOURNE Palmer. What's up. PALMER You know Peck, and Olson. The two men, sitting on chairs facing the desk, nod at Osbourne, who is surprised to see them. OSBOURNE Peck, yes, hiya. Olson, by reputation. Hi, Osbourne Cox. OLSON Yeah, hiyah. 2. OSBOURNE Aren't you with...aren't you, uh... Palmer jumps in: PALMER Yeah, that's right. Oz, look. There's no easy way to say this. We're taking you off the Balkans desk. OSBOURNE You're----what? Why? PALMER In fact we're moving you out of Sigint entirely. OSBOURNE ...What? No discussion, just----you're out? PALMER Well, we're having the discussion now Oz. This doesn't have to be unpleasant. OSBOURNE Palmer, with all due respect----what the fuck are you talking about? A beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... And why is Olson here? Another uncomfortable beat. PALMER ... Look, Ozzie---- OSBOURNE What the fuck is this?! Is it my----I know it's not my work. PALMER Ozzie---- OSBOURNE I'm a great fucking analyst! Is it---- PALMER Oz, things are not going well. As you know. 3. PECK You have a drinking problem. Stunned silence. Ozzie turns to look at Peck. At length: OSBOURNE I have a drinking problem. PALMER This doesn't have to be unpleasant. We found you something in State. It's a, uh... He gropes, uncomfortable. PALMER (CONT'D) ... It's a lower clearance level. Yes. But we're not, this isn't, we're not terminating you. OSBOURNE (quietly) This is an assault. PECK Come on, Ozzie. OSBOURNE This is an assault. I have a drinking problem? Fuck you, Peck, you're a Mormon! PECK Ozzie---- OSBOURNE Next to you we all have a drinking problem! Fuck you guys! Whose ass didn't I kiss? Let's be honest! Palmer nods at Olson. PALMER Okay, Olson---- OSBOURNE Let's be fucking honest... Osbourne gets to his feet, agitated. 4. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... This is a crucifixion! This is political! Don't tell me it's not! He storms out the door. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I have a drinking problem! The door slams. Palmer Smith looks at Olson. Olson arches an eyebrow. 4 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 4 OSBOURNE Bow tie loosened, he stands at a kitchen counter. His shoulders twist as he does something below frame: we hear the crackle of ice cubes wrenching loose from a tray. Behind him we see the apartment door opening. Katie, an attractive middle-aged woman, enters, taking her key out of the door, but stops, surprised to see Osbourne. KATIE You're home. Osbourne continues making himself a drink. OSBOURNE Hang on to your hat, honey. I have some news. I---- KATIE Did you pick up the cheeses? OSBOURNE Huh? KATIE Were they ready? I didn't know you were coming home this early. OSBOURNE (blank) The cheeses. Katie rolls her eyes. 5. KATIE I left a message for you to stop at Todaro's. The Magruders and the Pfarrers are coming over. OSBOURNE The Pfarrers? Ugh. I----what did Kathleen say? KATIE What? OSBOURNE When you left the message? KATIE She said. She would give you. The message. OSBOURNE Well she, I don't know, I guess we had bigger news today. My day didn't revolve arou---- KATIE So you didn't get the cheeses. OSBOURNE Well, since I didn't get the message, no, I didn't get the cheeses. But hang on to your hat, I---- KATIE Oh for fuck's sake, Ozzie, you mean I have to go out again? All right, well, you better get dressed. OSBOURNE Honey, we have to talk. KATIE Not right now. They'll be here in, what, less than an hour. 5 INT. COX LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 5 A hand hovers, hesitates. VOICE Is this a, uh, goat cheese? OSBOURNE (OFF) Chevre, yes, that is a goat cheese. Pink Revision 8/14/07 6. Wider shows the cocktail party, meagerly attended but in full swing. Besides Osbourne and Katie there is Harry Pfarrer (who has just inquired about the cheese), bearded, forties, rugged; his wife Sandy; and a shiny-faced young couple, Doug and Tina Magruder. Osbourne holds a cocktail tumbler. HARRY Because I have lactose reflux. But I can---- OSBOURNE You're lactose intolerant? HARRY Yes, but I can---- OSBOURNE Or you have acid reflux? They're two different things. Harry looks at him coldly. HARRY I know what they are. OSBOURNE Then you misspoke yourself. So I---- HARRY Thank you for correcting me. KATIE You should try the chevre, Harry. It's very good. HARRY Yeah. I can eat goat cheese. He eats a piece, cupping one hand under his mouth. HARRY (CONT'D) ... I was just explaining to your husband here, I have a condition---- Katie tries to separate the two men by including Doug Magruder. KATIE Harry works with the Marshalls' * Service. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 6A. DOUG MAGRUDER Ah. I'm on the legislative side, I * work with Senator Hobby. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 7. HARRY * Used to work for Treasury, but I * didn't go over to Homeland Security. * I'm with the Marshalls. * OSBOURNE If you want he'll show you his great big gun. HARRY Very amusing. The gun is actually no big deal. Twenty years in the marshall's service and I've never discharged my weapon. OSBOURNE Sounds like something you should be telling your psychiatrist. HARRY What? I don't have a psychiatrist. DOUG MAGRUDER Boy, I guess my job is pretty undramatic. I'm on the legislative side. What do you do Mrs. Pfarrer? Do you also carry a gun? Harry laughs. HARRY Sandy writes children's books. SANDY I write children's books---- HARRY Oliver The Cat Who...Who..arghh----Who---- Choking on piece of cheese, coughing HARRY (CONT'D) ...Who Lives In The Rotunda. Excuse me. TINA Those are wonderful! My nieces and nephews---- 8. HARRY Yeah, it's a beloved series. You wouldn't believe her fan mail. Unghh. Are you sure this is goat cheese? KATIE Why don't you let your wife tell them about her own books, Harry? HARRY I'm sorry----was I---- KATIE Here, come in the kitchen, help me with the crudit s. 6 INT. COX KITCHEN - NIGHT 6 They enter. HARRY Goddamnit. He knows, doesn't he. He looks down at the floor. He stamps. HARRY (CONT'D) ... Nice floors. KATIE Knows what? Harry is looking around the kitchen, taking in the fixtures. Absently: HARRY About us, he knows about us. Little prick. KATIE Don't be an ass, he doesn't know a thing. Harry is staring down at the linoleum again. HARRY What is that, forbo? A6 EXT. STREET - NIGHT A6 A car drives by. 9. 7 INT. HARRY'S CAR - NIGHT 7 Harry driving, his wife next to him. A long beat. Finally: HARRY What a horse's ass. SANDY I don't know why we see them. Harry shrugs. HARRY Well, she's all right. SANDY She is a cold, stuck-up bitch. Harry opens his mouth to reply, considers, doesn't. They drive. 8 INT. COX MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT 8 KATIE She is staring, in front of a mirror, face covered in cold cream, one hand arrested on the way up to daub on more. KATIE You quit?! Osbourne is buttoning a pajama top. OSBOURNE Uh-huh. KATIE Well----Thank you for letting me know! OSBOURNE I tried to tell you this afternoon. KATIE You tried? You tried? And then---- what, the aphasia kicked in? OSBOURNE Our guests came. We---- 10. KATIE Why?! For fuck's sake, Ozzie! OSBOURNE I'm just----I don't know. I got so tired. KATIE You're tired. OSBOURNE Tired of swimming against the current. KATIE Uh-huh. OSBOURNE Independent thought is not only not valued there, they resist it, they fight it, the bureaucracy is positively---- KATIE Did you get a pension, or severance or something, or---- OSBOURNE I didn't retire you know, I, I quit. I don't want their benefits. KATIE But I suppose my benefits are all right, I suppose you can live with those, is that the idea? OSBOURNE It's not like that's the only way to make money. KATIE Yes? Yes? What're you gonna do? OSBOURNE I'll do some consulting. KATIE Consulting. OSBOURNE Yes, to help while I----I've always wanted to write. KATIE Write. Write what. 11. OSBOURNE I've been thinking about it. A book, a sort of, sort of memoir. Katie stares at him in the mirror. A beat. She bursts into laughter. 9 EXT. YACHT/AT SEA - DAY 9 THE BRIDGE A small yacht. Osbourne stands at the wheel, a light wind in his face, as the boat sails under motor power. After a beat he moves to the front of the boat. An old man sits on a bench on the prow facing out into the wind. He has snowy hair and a stern Yankee face. He wears a tweed cap. He doesn't much react to Osbourne's approach. OSBOURNE You okay there, Dad? The old man remains silent, staring. Osbourne sits next to him and idly tucks in the plaid blanket resting over the man's knees. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Dad, I left my job at the Agency... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I, uh... I'm sorry. Dad, government service is not what it was when you were in State. Things are different now. I don't know, maybe it's... it's... the Cold War ending; now it seems like it's all bureaucracy and no mission... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I'm writing a memoir. I think it's going to be pretty explosive. But I don't think you'll disapprove. I don't think you'll disapprove. Katie has had trouble accepting it. (MORE) 12. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) But... sometimes there's a higher patriotism, Dad. So we'll... Yes, change is hard. It's hard on Katie. But we'll be okay. We'll be okay. Life is change. This is good. We were all blocked up, Katie and me. This is, this is a blessing in disguise. I'll go into training, you know. Lay off the sauce. Like you did. You managed to do it. Finally. And then I can concentrate on, you know. New beginning. And this'll all have been for the best. Don't you think Dad? The old man stares out into the wind. Osbourne sniffles. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Cold. He taps the old man on the knee and rises. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I guess we should head back. 10 EXT. PIER - DAY 10 LONG SHOT THRU THE WINDSHIELD OF A CAR The sailboat docked at the end of a marina. Osbourne is pushing the old man in a wheel chair down the pier away from the boat. A MAN'S VOICE We've seen this... 11 INT. LAW FIRM - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY 11 THE MAN White hair, bushy eyebrows, a florid face. He is in a law- book lined conference room. He wears an expensive suit, suspenders, a white shirt with blue collar and cuffs. He is Bogus Terikhian. TERIKHIAN ... I know this kind of man. We've seen this. 13. Wider on the conference room shows that Katie Cox sits at the table, along with Terikhian, another lawyer, and an assistant. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Mrs. Cox, you can't let this man take advantage of you. And he will. He will. KATIE Yes. This is my fear. He's trying---- he says----he's trying to pull himself together, but... TERIKHIAN Look, sure, I----I'm obliged to tell you you should try to salvage things. And you should. People turn themselves around. Not unheard-of. But. You---- you haven't broached the possibility of divorce yet? KATIE No. TERIKHIAN Well that's good. Because first you should get all his financials. Before he's forewarned. Because here's a man, here's a man, practiced in deceit, this is almost, you could say it's his job, practiced at hiding things, and there is no reason, it is not improper, there is no reason for you not to get a picture of the household finances. Paper files, computer files, whatever----this is your prerogative. You can be a spy too, madam. Do this before you put him on alert. Before the turtle can draw in his head and his, uh... He waggles his hands, groping for the word. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Feet. He shrugs. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... And hopefully everything will work out. He will reform. But! If not: forewarned is forearmed. 14. 12 INT. COX HOUSE - DAY 12 Osbourne is splayed on an easy chair, wearing a bathrobe over pyjamas. He stares at the ceiling, motionless, arms out- flung, like Marat in his bathtub. A long still beat. A clock ticks. Abruptly Osbourne raises one hand to speak into a microcassette recorder. OSBOURNE We were young and committed and there was nothing we couldn't do. We thought of the Agency less as... less as... The thought, such as it was, peters out. Osbourne rises and wanders around the room, glassy-eyed. He suddenly raises the microcassette again. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... The principles of George Kennan----a personal hero of mine----were what animated us. In fact they were what had originally inspired me to enter government service. Like the State Department's China Hands of yore, or, in a different forum, in a different venue, in a different medium, in, um... "Murrow's Boys," the fabled----in a different---- He suddenly stops, head cocked, listening. Faintly, a ringing phone. 13 INT. COX BASEMENT STAIRWAY - DAY 13 At the cut Osbourne is thundering down a steep carpeted stairway. He inclines his head to clear the ceiling that juts over the bottom half of the stairwell. The phone is louder here. 14 INT. COX BASEMENT - DAY 14 A semi-finished basement with cheap paneling and a low dropped ceiling of water-stained Johnson-Armstrong tile. The ringing phone is on a cheap government-surplus desk. The answering machine, with Osbourne's voice, picks up: 15. MACHINE You have reached The Cox Group... Osbourne, robe flapping, shuffles hurriedly in his slippered feet toward the phone. MACHINE (CONT'D) ... We can't answer your call right now. Please leave a---- OSBOURNE (heavy breathing) Hello. He eases into the chair, having swiped up the phone. A listening beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Yes?... Oh, no... No, call her number... No, upstairs...No she's not, but leave it on her machine. 15 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY - LATER 15 We are looking over Osbourne's shoulder----he is still in his robe----as he sits hunched on an ottoman, looking at a daytime game show. A few beats of the show. Roaring laughter from the studio audience. Mild chuckle from Osbourne in the foreground. 16 INT LIVING ROOM - DAY - STILL LATER 16 Ticking clock. Osbourne paces with the microcassette recorder. He raises it with a thought, draws a breath, and then stops, and looks off. The ticking grandfather clock: ornate hands on an ornate clock face Two or three minutes to five. Osbourne stares for a long beat. 17 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 17 OSBOURNE Shoulders twisting as we hear ice clattering out of a tray. He pours coke sizzling onto the ice. 16. He pauses for a long beat. He takes a bottle of rum out of a cabinet. He pours some into a hatch-marked shot glass. He looks at it. The amber liquid tops the hatch mark. He conscientiously pours the overage back, murmuring: OSBOURNE Single... He dumps the shot into the Coke. 18 EXT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 18 As before, the boat, docked at the end of the marina pier, is seen in long shot through the windshield of a car. Closer on the boat. As water laps against pilings and the boat gently bobs and creaks, we hear, muffled, the sounds of a couple having sex. When it builds to climax we cut: 19 INT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 19 Minutes later. We hold on a door for a quiet beat, then we hear the gurgle of water, and then the door opens. Harry Pfarrer emerges from the small bathroom, buckling his belt. In the bedroom which he emerges into Katie Cox is just finishing dressing. Harry looks at his watch. HARRY I should try to get a run in. 20 INT. COX HOUSE - DUSK 20 Katie is letting herself in. KATIE Ozzie! Quiet. 21 INT. KITCHEN - DUSK 21 Katie enters and sees a note on the counter paperweighted by a plate of used lime wedges: 17. Honey, At Fenninger's. Reunion committee dinner. See you later. 22 EXT. POTOMAC BRIDGE - DUSK 22 Long-lens, hand-held, point-of-view seeming: Harry Pfarrer is jogging in his Treasury sweats. Closer on him. Brow furrows. He spins, jogs backwards, looking. His point-of-view: nothing unusual; traffic on the bridge, no pedestrians particularly close. Harry, mildly puzzled, slows and stops. He turns again. Point-of-view up the bridge: empty. Harry starts jogging again. 23 INT. COX BASEMENT - NIGHT 23 We are tracking toward the desk in the corner, at which Katie sits. She cracks open a CD case and loads the CD into Osbourne's computer. A suspense drone builds as we track in. Katie starts typing, then suddenly stops. She holds still, listening for noises in the house. Nothing. She resumes typing. We hear male voices beginning to swell in song. The voices continue after the suspense drone snaps off, at the cut to: 24 INT. FENNINGER'S - NIGHT 24 A musty steakhouse. On the walls are hunting-scene prints and steel engravings of English country houses. A placard resting on a chair outside the Georgian Room: CLOSED FOR PRIVATE PARTY. From inside the room, male voices: VOICES Tune every heart and every voice... 18. 25 INT. FENNINGER'S - GEORGIAN ROOM - NIGHT 25 A dozen middle-aged men around a long table, each holding high a glass. MEN ... Bid every care withdraw. Let all with one accord rejoice... The men are sweaty, tie-loosened, dinner-stuffed and boozy. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau... Close on Osbourne as a rotund middle-aged classmate fills his glass to brimming. The two sway unsteadily with the music.. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau my boys, Hoo-rah, hoo-rah, hoorah! All swing their glasses side-to-side in rhythm: MEN (CONT'D) ... Her sons... shall give... while they... shall live... Glasses are thrust high with a ringing finish: MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau! 26 INT. EXAM ROOM - DAY 26 A WOMAN'S ASS Bare. Pale. Middle-aged. Someone with a marker is drawing on the flesh to illustrate: DOCTOR (OFF) We take all the chicken fat off your buttocks, here... and here... And the upper arms. And a little off your tummy... The camera is arcing around a standing, naked, middle-aged woman, to reveal the doctor sitting on a stool in the examining room, facing her. He reaches forward again with the marker. 19. DOCTOR (OFF) (CONT'D) ...And we do breast augmentation with a tiny incision here... and here. PATIENT (OFF) Uh-huh. And what about the thigh area? DOCTOR Well we can do liposuction there as well, but that area will respond to exercise. Buttocks and upper arms begin to store more fat when you get up around forty, the body just tells it to go there, but the thighs will respond to toning exercises. PATIENT Uh-huh. I know, I can work out on my arms til the cows come home, but... DOCTOR Uh-huh. And of course there are also genetic factors. PATIENT The Litzkes are big. DOCTOR Uh-huh, well everything's---- PATIENT My mom had an ass that could pull a bus. DOCTOR Wow. Well that's a predispo---- PATIENT Father's side too, although Dad tends to carry his weight in front of him. DOCTOR Uh-huh. PATIENT In the gut area. Derriere, not so much. DOCTOR Okay. The continuing track around is also booming up to reveal the face of the patient, Linda Litzke. 20. LINDA And what about the face, you know, the window to the soul. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Very well put. Well your eyes are one of your best features. But we can do something about the incipient crow's feet. LINDA Baby crow's feet. Little chickling's feet. I mean chicks. Chickie chickie chickie. DOCTOR Ha-ha, yes, again, well put. You have a way with words. We cut here... He marks. DOCTOR (CONT'D) ... And we pull the skin tight, like stretching the skin over a drum. Not too tight, though. We don't want that "worked-on" look. You need sufficient slack for the face to remain expressive. LINDA Yeah, I don't wanna look like Boris Karloff. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Heh-heh, so you don't want a sex change! LINDA No, I'm all woman! 27 INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY 27 Doctor and patient, now dressed, sit on either side of a desk. DOCTOR So Linda, what we're talking about here is four different procedures. (ticks them off) The liposuction... The rhinoplasty... The facial tuck, which I would strongly recommend over the chemical peel---- 21. LINDA Yeah, I don't want to get anything burned off. DOCTOR And why should you. With that lovely skin. And lastly, the breast augmentation. Now we can also do something about the vaccine scar----I don't know if you wear sleeveless dresses much---- LINDA Not with these ham hocks! DOCTOR Yes, well once they're nice and svelte, post-op, you---- LINDA Well I don't know. Is the vaccine thing----can you counsel me on this? I don't know, is it unsightly? I see it a lot, a bunch of people have it. DOCTOR Absolutely! Some women don't mind it at all! Personal taste! 28 INT. HARDBODIES - DAY 28 Linda Litzke, in a Hardbodies polo shirt with "Linda" stitched on the breast, leans out of her semi-enclosed office on the gym floor. LINDA Chad! 29 INT. HARDBODIES - GYM FLOOR - DAY 29 Chad Feldheimer, trainer, fortyish and well-muscled, has a gym patron up on a table and is helping him stretch a leg back. PATRON Ow! CHAD I'm sorry, was that too much? 22. PATRON I felt a straining... a tightness in the... in the front of my ass... CHAD Well you're pretty tight. You have to feel it or---- LINDA (on the public address) Chad Feldheimer. Office. CHAD I'll be back in a minute. We'll work on opening those hips. 30 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY 30 Linda is tapping at her computer as Chad enters. LINDA I got a batch from BeWithMeDC dot com. Chad perches on the desk, chewing gum as he gazes at the screen. CHAD Oh wow. Any good? LINDA I don't know yet, just looking... How do you open this? CHAD Click on, uh... yeah... LINDA Oh my god! CHAD What? LINDA Oh my God, what a loser! She clicks. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser! She clicks. Chad is laughing. Linda scowls. 23. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser!... What is this! They should call this Mr. Saggy dot com. CHAD Cripes. LINDA Loser! CHAD Did you have to send a picture? LINDA No, only guys do. I submitted a verbal profile, turn-ons, turn-offs, et cetera. I'm really looking for someone with a sense of humor. CHAD That guy----wait----that guy wasn't bad. LINDA Him? CHAD No, before. LINDA Him? CHAD Yeah. He uh, he might not be a loser. LINDA How can you tell? CHAD That's a Brioni suit. LINDA Oh yeah? CHAD Shit yeah. LINDA (dubious) Does he look like he has a sense of humor? CHAD He looks like his optometrist has a sense of humor. 24. Linda slaps his arm. CHAD (CONT'D) ... Huh-huh-huh. What does he do? LINDA State Department. CHAD That's cool. LINDA His hair is... what is that? CHAD Plugs. 31 INT. GYM - NEXT DAY 31 Linda is showing someone around the floor. LINDA This is the cardio area. A lot of machines here so that, believe me, there's never a wait. What you're seeing now, this is our busiest time, and there's still a couple of open treadmills I see, three Stairmasters---- I call it the Butt-Blaster----couple of LifeCycles----Hi, Chad. Chad is working with a medicine ball and a heavy young woman. CHAD Hi Linda. Did you call that guy? LINDA Not yet! Chad is one of our trainers. I've just started internet dating and I got my first look at the, uh... CUSTOMER What service? LINDA BeWithMeDC dot com? CUSTOMER Nice. LINDA Have you used them? 25. CUSTOMER No----two friends did and they're both hooked up. With really special guys. LINDA That's fantastic. 32 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - LATER 32 Linda is leaning forward at her desk, phone wedged between ear and shoulder, one hand up at her forehead. After a long still beat: LINDA Yes! Another still beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... English! Beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Agent! Beat. LINDA DRIVING ... Agent! Agent! Beat. LINDA ... Yes, hi, this is Linda Litzke, should I give you my account number? You have it up? Okay. I was informed that I needed pre-approval for these surgeries, and then... Yes, it was denied. Listening, then: LINDA (CONT'D) ...No, those are four different operations... It's very complicated; I'm reinventing myself, it's a whole new look so it isn't just one thing, however, it's all approved by my doctor... But----madam! This is not----my job involves, you know, public interface! This is not... 26. Her jaw sets. She controls her fury. Quieter: LINDA (CONT'D) ... Yes I do understand. Could I speak to your supervisor please? 33 INT. TED'S OFFICE/LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY - MINUTES LATER 33 We are on a long lens point-of-view, from several cubicles over, of Linda, now slumped at her desk, head in her arms. We faintly hear her sobbing. Reverse shows Ted Treffon, middle-aged, balding, the soulful manager of Hardbodies. He looks at Linda, puzzled and a little alarmed. He tenses as if to rise but doesn't, and hovers uncomfortably, unsure of whether to intrude. 34 EXT. WASHINGTON MALL - DAY 34 Linda walks down the promenade dressed in a smart pant suit. Her moving POV passes over a couple in conversation, an old woman feeding the birds, a man in a business suit reading a newspaper. She passes the man and turns around. He has looked up from the paper and is staring at her. He wears aviator-shaped glasses with clear plastic rims. He may have hair plugs. LINDA Alan? MAN (ALAN) Are you, uh... Linda? 35 EXT. CIRCLE THEATRE - DUSK 35 A poster advertises Totally Stoked! with Dermot Mulroney and Claire Danes. 36 INT. THEATRE - NIGHT 36 On the screen, Dermot Mulroney, dressed in a tuxedo, cranes his head to look steeply up and off. Linda sits next to Alan in the half-empty theatre, nervously watching the screen. 27. DERMOT (OFF) First you tell me that you can't commit, then you----WOULD YOU GET DOWN FROM THERE! Linda laughs raucously, then catches herself and looks at Alan. 37 INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT 37 The couple sit across from each other at a small table. They pick at their food. 38 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - NIGHT 38 The couple are making love in the dark room on a frilly comforter. Alan, still wearing his glasses, wheezes asthmatically. 39 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - LATER 39 Alan is snoring. After a long beat Linda gets up and puts on a robe. She bends down near the bed and picks something up out of Alan's trousers. 40 INT. LINDA'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 40 She sits into a chair near the window in the dark room and opens Alan's wallet. A Discover card, driver's license, a condom. A photograph of Alan holding a large bluefish. She unfolds a piece of notepaper. Written in a feminine hand in pencil: Please pick up: Plunge Honey Nut Cheerios. LINDA Oh for Pete's sake! She catches herself, looks around. The snoring, off, continues. She looks out the window. The lights of the freeway twinkle. 28. 41 INT. YACHT - NIGHT 41 We are in the bedroom. The boat rides gently at anchor. Harry has an arm around Katie, in bed. Both stare at a point in space. After a beat that is silent except for the faint sloshing of water against hull: HARRY ... and then, you know, you grow up. I guess that's what's happened with me. You just... people change. We married when I was, what, in my mid- twenties. A kid. We were kids. Twenties. You think it's forever. Then, you know, you're older----you begin to feel your mortality, you start to think, well, there's no more

glared

How many times the word 'glared' appears in the text?

Burn After Reading Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS BURN AFTER READING Written by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen FADE IN 1 EXT. EASTERN SEABOARD - AERIALS - DAY 1 High in the air----so high we an see the curvature of the earth. The eastern seaboard stretches away, flecked with clouds. As we dissolve in closer the picture bleaches of color. We are looking down at the city of Washington, D.C. Dissolve closer still: a black-and-white aerial photograph of a neighborhood in suburban D.C. dominated by a sprawling building. Computer type quickly bleeps on: C.I.A. Headquarters Langley, Virginia 2 INT. CIA - HALLWAY - DAY 2 We track at floor level, following the well shined shoes of someone walking down the well polished hallway. 3 INT. PALMER'S OFFICE - DAY 3 We hear a door opening and a silver-haired man rises behind his desk. A nameplate on the desk identifies him as Palmer DeBakey Smith. PALMER Ozzie. Sit down. Osbourne Cox, entering, is a middle-aged man in a striped shirt and bow tie. OSBOURNE Palmer. What's up. PALMER You know Peck, and Olson. The two men, sitting on chairs facing the desk, nod at Osbourne, who is surprised to see them. OSBOURNE Peck, yes, hiya. Olson, by reputation. Hi, Osbourne Cox. OLSON Yeah, hiyah. 2. OSBOURNE Aren't you with...aren't you, uh... Palmer jumps in: PALMER Yeah, that's right. Oz, look. There's no easy way to say this. We're taking you off the Balkans desk. OSBOURNE You're----what? Why? PALMER In fact we're moving you out of Sigint entirely. OSBOURNE ...What? No discussion, just----you're out? PALMER Well, we're having the discussion now Oz. This doesn't have to be unpleasant. OSBOURNE Palmer, with all due respect----what the fuck are you talking about? A beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... And why is Olson here? Another uncomfortable beat. PALMER ... Look, Ozzie---- OSBOURNE What the fuck is this?! Is it my----I know it's not my work. PALMER Ozzie---- OSBOURNE I'm a great fucking analyst! Is it---- PALMER Oz, things are not going well. As you know. 3. PECK You have a drinking problem. Stunned silence. Ozzie turns to look at Peck. At length: OSBOURNE I have a drinking problem. PALMER This doesn't have to be unpleasant. We found you something in State. It's a, uh... He gropes, uncomfortable. PALMER (CONT'D) ... It's a lower clearance level. Yes. But we're not, this isn't, we're not terminating you. OSBOURNE (quietly) This is an assault. PECK Come on, Ozzie. OSBOURNE This is an assault. I have a drinking problem? Fuck you, Peck, you're a Mormon! PECK Ozzie---- OSBOURNE Next to you we all have a drinking problem! Fuck you guys! Whose ass didn't I kiss? Let's be honest! Palmer nods at Olson. PALMER Okay, Olson---- OSBOURNE Let's be fucking honest... Osbourne gets to his feet, agitated. 4. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... This is a crucifixion! This is political! Don't tell me it's not! He storms out the door. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I have a drinking problem! The door slams. Palmer Smith looks at Olson. Olson arches an eyebrow. 4 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 4 OSBOURNE Bow tie loosened, he stands at a kitchen counter. His shoulders twist as he does something below frame: we hear the crackle of ice cubes wrenching loose from a tray. Behind him we see the apartment door opening. Katie, an attractive middle-aged woman, enters, taking her key out of the door, but stops, surprised to see Osbourne. KATIE You're home. Osbourne continues making himself a drink. OSBOURNE Hang on to your hat, honey. I have some news. I---- KATIE Did you pick up the cheeses? OSBOURNE Huh? KATIE Were they ready? I didn't know you were coming home this early. OSBOURNE (blank) The cheeses. Katie rolls her eyes. 5. KATIE I left a message for you to stop at Todaro's. The Magruders and the Pfarrers are coming over. OSBOURNE The Pfarrers? Ugh. I----what did Kathleen say? KATIE What? OSBOURNE When you left the message? KATIE She said. She would give you. The message. OSBOURNE Well she, I don't know, I guess we had bigger news today. My day didn't revolve arou---- KATIE So you didn't get the cheeses. OSBOURNE Well, since I didn't get the message, no, I didn't get the cheeses. But hang on to your hat, I---- KATIE Oh for fuck's sake, Ozzie, you mean I have to go out again? All right, well, you better get dressed. OSBOURNE Honey, we have to talk. KATIE Not right now. They'll be here in, what, less than an hour. 5 INT. COX LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 5 A hand hovers, hesitates. VOICE Is this a, uh, goat cheese? OSBOURNE (OFF) Chevre, yes, that is a goat cheese. Pink Revision 8/14/07 6. Wider shows the cocktail party, meagerly attended but in full swing. Besides Osbourne and Katie there is Harry Pfarrer (who has just inquired about the cheese), bearded, forties, rugged; his wife Sandy; and a shiny-faced young couple, Doug and Tina Magruder. Osbourne holds a cocktail tumbler. HARRY Because I have lactose reflux. But I can---- OSBOURNE You're lactose intolerant? HARRY Yes, but I can---- OSBOURNE Or you have acid reflux? They're two different things. Harry looks at him coldly. HARRY I know what they are. OSBOURNE Then you misspoke yourself. So I---- HARRY Thank you for correcting me. KATIE You should try the chevre, Harry. It's very good. HARRY Yeah. I can eat goat cheese. He eats a piece, cupping one hand under his mouth. HARRY (CONT'D) ... I was just explaining to your husband here, I have a condition---- Katie tries to separate the two men by including Doug Magruder. KATIE Harry works with the Marshalls' * Service. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 6A. DOUG MAGRUDER Ah. I'm on the legislative side, I * work with Senator Hobby. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 7. HARRY * Used to work for Treasury, but I * didn't go over to Homeland Security. * I'm with the Marshalls. * OSBOURNE If you want he'll show you his great big gun. HARRY Very amusing. The gun is actually no big deal. Twenty years in the marshall's service and I've never discharged my weapon. OSBOURNE Sounds like something you should be telling your psychiatrist. HARRY What? I don't have a psychiatrist. DOUG MAGRUDER Boy, I guess my job is pretty undramatic. I'm on the legislative side. What do you do Mrs. Pfarrer? Do you also carry a gun? Harry laughs. HARRY Sandy writes children's books. SANDY I write children's books---- HARRY Oliver The Cat Who...Who..arghh----Who---- Choking on piece of cheese, coughing HARRY (CONT'D) ...Who Lives In The Rotunda. Excuse me. TINA Those are wonderful! My nieces and nephews---- 8. HARRY Yeah, it's a beloved series. You wouldn't believe her fan mail. Unghh. Are you sure this is goat cheese? KATIE Why don't you let your wife tell them about her own books, Harry? HARRY I'm sorry----was I---- KATIE Here, come in the kitchen, help me with the crudit s. 6 INT. COX KITCHEN - NIGHT 6 They enter. HARRY Goddamnit. He knows, doesn't he. He looks down at the floor. He stamps. HARRY (CONT'D) ... Nice floors. KATIE Knows what? Harry is looking around the kitchen, taking in the fixtures. Absently: HARRY About us, he knows about us. Little prick. KATIE Don't be an ass, he doesn't know a thing. Harry is staring down at the linoleum again. HARRY What is that, forbo? A6 EXT. STREET - NIGHT A6 A car drives by. 9. 7 INT. HARRY'S CAR - NIGHT 7 Harry driving, his wife next to him. A long beat. Finally: HARRY What a horse's ass. SANDY I don't know why we see them. Harry shrugs. HARRY Well, she's all right. SANDY She is a cold, stuck-up bitch. Harry opens his mouth to reply, considers, doesn't. They drive. 8 INT. COX MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT 8 KATIE She is staring, in front of a mirror, face covered in cold cream, one hand arrested on the way up to daub on more. KATIE You quit?! Osbourne is buttoning a pajama top. OSBOURNE Uh-huh. KATIE Well----Thank you for letting me know! OSBOURNE I tried to tell you this afternoon. KATIE You tried? You tried? And then---- what, the aphasia kicked in? OSBOURNE Our guests came. We---- 10. KATIE Why?! For fuck's sake, Ozzie! OSBOURNE I'm just----I don't know. I got so tired. KATIE You're tired. OSBOURNE Tired of swimming against the current. KATIE Uh-huh. OSBOURNE Independent thought is not only not valued there, they resist it, they fight it, the bureaucracy is positively---- KATIE Did you get a pension, or severance or something, or---- OSBOURNE I didn't retire you know, I, I quit. I don't want their benefits. KATIE But I suppose my benefits are all right, I suppose you can live with those, is that the idea? OSBOURNE It's not like that's the only way to make money. KATIE Yes? Yes? What're you gonna do? OSBOURNE I'll do some consulting. KATIE Consulting. OSBOURNE Yes, to help while I----I've always wanted to write. KATIE Write. Write what. 11. OSBOURNE I've been thinking about it. A book, a sort of, sort of memoir. Katie stares at him in the mirror. A beat. She bursts into laughter. 9 EXT. YACHT/AT SEA - DAY 9 THE BRIDGE A small yacht. Osbourne stands at the wheel, a light wind in his face, as the boat sails under motor power. After a beat he moves to the front of the boat. An old man sits on a bench on the prow facing out into the wind. He has snowy hair and a stern Yankee face. He wears a tweed cap. He doesn't much react to Osbourne's approach. OSBOURNE You okay there, Dad? The old man remains silent, staring. Osbourne sits next to him and idly tucks in the plaid blanket resting over the man's knees. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Dad, I left my job at the Agency... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I, uh... I'm sorry. Dad, government service is not what it was when you were in State. Things are different now. I don't know, maybe it's... it's... the Cold War ending; now it seems like it's all bureaucracy and no mission... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I'm writing a memoir. I think it's going to be pretty explosive. But I don't think you'll disapprove. I don't think you'll disapprove. Katie has had trouble accepting it. (MORE) 12. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) But... sometimes there's a higher patriotism, Dad. So we'll... Yes, change is hard. It's hard on Katie. But we'll be okay. We'll be okay. Life is change. This is good. We were all blocked up, Katie and me. This is, this is a blessing in disguise. I'll go into training, you know. Lay off the sauce. Like you did. You managed to do it. Finally. And then I can concentrate on, you know. New beginning. And this'll all have been for the best. Don't you think Dad? The old man stares out into the wind. Osbourne sniffles. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Cold. He taps the old man on the knee and rises. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I guess we should head back. 10 EXT. PIER - DAY 10 LONG SHOT THRU THE WINDSHIELD OF A CAR The sailboat docked at the end of a marina. Osbourne is pushing the old man in a wheel chair down the pier away from the boat. A MAN'S VOICE We've seen this... 11 INT. LAW FIRM - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY 11 THE MAN White hair, bushy eyebrows, a florid face. He is in a law- book lined conference room. He wears an expensive suit, suspenders, a white shirt with blue collar and cuffs. He is Bogus Terikhian. TERIKHIAN ... I know this kind of man. We've seen this. 13. Wider on the conference room shows that Katie Cox sits at the table, along with Terikhian, another lawyer, and an assistant. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Mrs. Cox, you can't let this man take advantage of you. And he will. He will. KATIE Yes. This is my fear. He's trying---- he says----he's trying to pull himself together, but... TERIKHIAN Look, sure, I----I'm obliged to tell you you should try to salvage things. And you should. People turn themselves around. Not unheard-of. But. You---- you haven't broached the possibility of divorce yet? KATIE No. TERIKHIAN Well that's good. Because first you should get all his financials. Before he's forewarned. Because here's a man, here's a man, practiced in deceit, this is almost, you could say it's his job, practiced at hiding things, and there is no reason, it is not improper, there is no reason for you not to get a picture of the household finances. Paper files, computer files, whatever----this is your prerogative. You can be a spy too, madam. Do this before you put him on alert. Before the turtle can draw in his head and his, uh... He waggles his hands, groping for the word. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Feet. He shrugs. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... And hopefully everything will work out. He will reform. But! If not: forewarned is forearmed. 14. 12 INT. COX HOUSE - DAY 12 Osbourne is splayed on an easy chair, wearing a bathrobe over pyjamas. He stares at the ceiling, motionless, arms out- flung, like Marat in his bathtub. A long still beat. A clock ticks. Abruptly Osbourne raises one hand to speak into a microcassette recorder. OSBOURNE We were young and committed and there was nothing we couldn't do. We thought of the Agency less as... less as... The thought, such as it was, peters out. Osbourne rises and wanders around the room, glassy-eyed. He suddenly raises the microcassette again. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... The principles of George Kennan----a personal hero of mine----were what animated us. In fact they were what had originally inspired me to enter government service. Like the State Department's China Hands of yore, or, in a different forum, in a different venue, in a different medium, in, um... "Murrow's Boys," the fabled----in a different---- He suddenly stops, head cocked, listening. Faintly, a ringing phone. 13 INT. COX BASEMENT STAIRWAY - DAY 13 At the cut Osbourne is thundering down a steep carpeted stairway. He inclines his head to clear the ceiling that juts over the bottom half of the stairwell. The phone is louder here. 14 INT. COX BASEMENT - DAY 14 A semi-finished basement with cheap paneling and a low dropped ceiling of water-stained Johnson-Armstrong tile. The ringing phone is on a cheap government-surplus desk. The answering machine, with Osbourne's voice, picks up: 15. MACHINE You have reached The Cox Group... Osbourne, robe flapping, shuffles hurriedly in his slippered feet toward the phone. MACHINE (CONT'D) ... We can't answer your call right now. Please leave a---- OSBOURNE (heavy breathing) Hello. He eases into the chair, having swiped up the phone. A listening beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Yes?... Oh, no... No, call her number... No, upstairs...No she's not, but leave it on her machine. 15 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY - LATER 15 We are looking over Osbourne's shoulder----he is still in his robe----as he sits hunched on an ottoman, looking at a daytime game show. A few beats of the show. Roaring laughter from the studio audience. Mild chuckle from Osbourne in the foreground. 16 INT LIVING ROOM - DAY - STILL LATER 16 Ticking clock. Osbourne paces with the microcassette recorder. He raises it with a thought, draws a breath, and then stops, and looks off. The ticking grandfather clock: ornate hands on an ornate clock face Two or three minutes to five. Osbourne stares for a long beat. 17 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 17 OSBOURNE Shoulders twisting as we hear ice clattering out of a tray. He pours coke sizzling onto the ice. 16. He pauses for a long beat. He takes a bottle of rum out of a cabinet. He pours some into a hatch-marked shot glass. He looks at it. The amber liquid tops the hatch mark. He conscientiously pours the overage back, murmuring: OSBOURNE Single... He dumps the shot into the Coke. 18 EXT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 18 As before, the boat, docked at the end of the marina pier, is seen in long shot through the windshield of a car. Closer on the boat. As water laps against pilings and the boat gently bobs and creaks, we hear, muffled, the sounds of a couple having sex. When it builds to climax we cut: 19 INT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 19 Minutes later. We hold on a door for a quiet beat, then we hear the gurgle of water, and then the door opens. Harry Pfarrer emerges from the small bathroom, buckling his belt. In the bedroom which he emerges into Katie Cox is just finishing dressing. Harry looks at his watch. HARRY I should try to get a run in. 20 INT. COX HOUSE - DUSK 20 Katie is letting herself in. KATIE Ozzie! Quiet. 21 INT. KITCHEN - DUSK 21 Katie enters and sees a note on the counter paperweighted by a plate of used lime wedges: 17. Honey, At Fenninger's. Reunion committee dinner. See you later. 22 EXT. POTOMAC BRIDGE - DUSK 22 Long-lens, hand-held, point-of-view seeming: Harry Pfarrer is jogging in his Treasury sweats. Closer on him. Brow furrows. He spins, jogs backwards, looking. His point-of-view: nothing unusual; traffic on the bridge, no pedestrians particularly close. Harry, mildly puzzled, slows and stops. He turns again. Point-of-view up the bridge: empty. Harry starts jogging again. 23 INT. COX BASEMENT - NIGHT 23 We are tracking toward the desk in the corner, at which Katie sits. She cracks open a CD case and loads the CD into Osbourne's computer. A suspense drone builds as we track in. Katie starts typing, then suddenly stops. She holds still, listening for noises in the house. Nothing. She resumes typing. We hear male voices beginning to swell in song. The voices continue after the suspense drone snaps off, at the cut to: 24 INT. FENNINGER'S - NIGHT 24 A musty steakhouse. On the walls are hunting-scene prints and steel engravings of English country houses. A placard resting on a chair outside the Georgian Room: CLOSED FOR PRIVATE PARTY. From inside the room, male voices: VOICES Tune every heart and every voice... 18. 25 INT. FENNINGER'S - GEORGIAN ROOM - NIGHT 25 A dozen middle-aged men around a long table, each holding high a glass. MEN ... Bid every care withdraw. Let all with one accord rejoice... The men are sweaty, tie-loosened, dinner-stuffed and boozy. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau... Close on Osbourne as a rotund middle-aged classmate fills his glass to brimming. The two sway unsteadily with the music.. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau my boys, Hoo-rah, hoo-rah, hoorah! All swing their glasses side-to-side in rhythm: MEN (CONT'D) ... Her sons... shall give... while they... shall live... Glasses are thrust high with a ringing finish: MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau! 26 INT. EXAM ROOM - DAY 26 A WOMAN'S ASS Bare. Pale. Middle-aged. Someone with a marker is drawing on the flesh to illustrate: DOCTOR (OFF) We take all the chicken fat off your buttocks, here... and here... And the upper arms. And a little off your tummy... The camera is arcing around a standing, naked, middle-aged woman, to reveal the doctor sitting on a stool in the examining room, facing her. He reaches forward again with the marker. 19. DOCTOR (OFF) (CONT'D) ...And we do breast augmentation with a tiny incision here... and here. PATIENT (OFF) Uh-huh. And what about the thigh area? DOCTOR Well we can do liposuction there as well, but that area will respond to exercise. Buttocks and upper arms begin to store more fat when you get up around forty, the body just tells it to go there, but the thighs will respond to toning exercises. PATIENT Uh-huh. I know, I can work out on my arms til the cows come home, but... DOCTOR Uh-huh. And of course there are also genetic factors. PATIENT The Litzkes are big. DOCTOR Uh-huh, well everything's---- PATIENT My mom had an ass that could pull a bus. DOCTOR Wow. Well that's a predispo---- PATIENT Father's side too, although Dad tends to carry his weight in front of him. DOCTOR Uh-huh. PATIENT In the gut area. Derriere, not so much. DOCTOR Okay. The continuing track around is also booming up to reveal the face of the patient, Linda Litzke. 20. LINDA And what about the face, you know, the window to the soul. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Very well put. Well your eyes are one of your best features. But we can do something about the incipient crow's feet. LINDA Baby crow's feet. Little chickling's feet. I mean chicks. Chickie chickie chickie. DOCTOR Ha-ha, yes, again, well put. You have a way with words. We cut here... He marks. DOCTOR (CONT'D) ... And we pull the skin tight, like stretching the skin over a drum. Not too tight, though. We don't want that "worked-on" look. You need sufficient slack for the face to remain expressive. LINDA Yeah, I don't wanna look like Boris Karloff. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Heh-heh, so you don't want a sex change! LINDA No, I'm all woman! 27 INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY 27 Doctor and patient, now dressed, sit on either side of a desk. DOCTOR So Linda, what we're talking about here is four different procedures. (ticks them off) The liposuction... The rhinoplasty... The facial tuck, which I would strongly recommend over the chemical peel---- 21. LINDA Yeah, I don't want to get anything burned off. DOCTOR And why should you. With that lovely skin. And lastly, the breast augmentation. Now we can also do something about the vaccine scar----I don't know if you wear sleeveless dresses much---- LINDA Not with these ham hocks! DOCTOR Yes, well once they're nice and svelte, post-op, you---- LINDA Well I don't know. Is the vaccine thing----can you counsel me on this? I don't know, is it unsightly? I see it a lot, a bunch of people have it. DOCTOR Absolutely! Some women don't mind it at all! Personal taste! 28 INT. HARDBODIES - DAY 28 Linda Litzke, in a Hardbodies polo shirt with "Linda" stitched on the breast, leans out of her semi-enclosed office on the gym floor. LINDA Chad! 29 INT. HARDBODIES - GYM FLOOR - DAY 29 Chad Feldheimer, trainer, fortyish and well-muscled, has a gym patron up on a table and is helping him stretch a leg back. PATRON Ow! CHAD I'm sorry, was that too much? 22. PATRON I felt a straining... a tightness in the... in the front of my ass... CHAD Well you're pretty tight. You have to feel it or---- LINDA (on the public address) Chad Feldheimer. Office. CHAD I'll be back in a minute. We'll work on opening those hips. 30 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY 30 Linda is tapping at her computer as Chad enters. LINDA I got a batch from BeWithMeDC dot com. Chad perches on the desk, chewing gum as he gazes at the screen. CHAD Oh wow. Any good? LINDA I don't know yet, just looking... How do you open this? CHAD Click on, uh... yeah... LINDA Oh my god! CHAD What? LINDA Oh my God, what a loser! She clicks. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser! She clicks. Chad is laughing. Linda scowls. 23. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser!... What is this! They should call this Mr. Saggy dot com. CHAD Cripes. LINDA Loser! CHAD Did you have to send a picture? LINDA No, only guys do. I submitted a verbal profile, turn-ons, turn-offs, et cetera. I'm really looking for someone with a sense of humor. CHAD That guy----wait----that guy wasn't bad. LINDA Him? CHAD No, before. LINDA Him? CHAD Yeah. He uh, he might not be a loser. LINDA How can you tell? CHAD That's a Brioni suit. LINDA Oh yeah? CHAD Shit yeah. LINDA (dubious) Does he look like he has a sense of humor? CHAD He looks like his optometrist has a sense of humor. 24. Linda slaps his arm. CHAD (CONT'D) ... Huh-huh-huh. What does he do? LINDA State Department. CHAD That's cool. LINDA His hair is... what is that? CHAD Plugs. 31 INT. GYM - NEXT DAY 31 Linda is showing someone around the floor. LINDA This is the cardio area. A lot of machines here so that, believe me, there's never a wait. What you're seeing now, this is our busiest time, and there's still a couple of open treadmills I see, three Stairmasters---- I call it the Butt-Blaster----couple of LifeCycles----Hi, Chad. Chad is working with a medicine ball and a heavy young woman. CHAD Hi Linda. Did you call that guy? LINDA Not yet! Chad is one of our trainers. I've just started internet dating and I got my first look at the, uh... CUSTOMER What service? LINDA BeWithMeDC dot com? CUSTOMER Nice. LINDA Have you used them? 25. CUSTOMER No----two friends did and they're both hooked up. With really special guys. LINDA That's fantastic. 32 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - LATER 32 Linda is leaning forward at her desk, phone wedged between ear and shoulder, one hand up at her forehead. After a long still beat: LINDA Yes! Another still beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... English! Beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Agent! Beat. LINDA DRIVING ... Agent! Agent! Beat. LINDA ... Yes, hi, this is Linda Litzke, should I give you my account number? You have it up? Okay. I was informed that I needed pre-approval for these surgeries, and then... Yes, it was denied. Listening, then: LINDA (CONT'D) ...No, those are four different operations... It's very complicated; I'm reinventing myself, it's a whole new look so it isn't just one thing, however, it's all approved by my doctor... But----madam! This is not----my job involves, you know, public interface! This is not... 26. Her jaw sets. She controls her fury. Quieter: LINDA (CONT'D) ... Yes I do understand. Could I speak to your supervisor please? 33 INT. TED'S OFFICE/LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY - MINUTES LATER 33 We are on a long lens point-of-view, from several cubicles over, of Linda, now slumped at her desk, head in her arms. We faintly hear her sobbing. Reverse shows Ted Treffon, middle-aged, balding, the soulful manager of Hardbodies. He looks at Linda, puzzled and a little alarmed. He tenses as if to rise but doesn't, and hovers uncomfortably, unsure of whether to intrude. 34 EXT. WASHINGTON MALL - DAY 34 Linda walks down the promenade dressed in a smart pant suit. Her moving POV passes over a couple in conversation, an old woman feeding the birds, a man in a business suit reading a newspaper. She passes the man and turns around. He has looked up from the paper and is staring at her. He wears aviator-shaped glasses with clear plastic rims. He may have hair plugs. LINDA Alan? MAN (ALAN) Are you, uh... Linda? 35 EXT. CIRCLE THEATRE - DUSK 35 A poster advertises Totally Stoked! with Dermot Mulroney and Claire Danes. 36 INT. THEATRE - NIGHT 36 On the screen, Dermot Mulroney, dressed in a tuxedo, cranes his head to look steeply up and off. Linda sits next to Alan in the half-empty theatre, nervously watching the screen. 27. DERMOT (OFF) First you tell me that you can't commit, then you----WOULD YOU GET DOWN FROM THERE! Linda laughs raucously, then catches herself and looks at Alan. 37 INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT 37 The couple sit across from each other at a small table. They pick at their food. 38 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - NIGHT 38 The couple are making love in the dark room on a frilly comforter. Alan, still wearing his glasses, wheezes asthmatically. 39 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - LATER 39 Alan is snoring. After a long beat Linda gets up and puts on a robe. She bends down near the bed and picks something up out of Alan's trousers. 40 INT. LINDA'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 40 She sits into a chair near the window in the dark room and opens Alan's wallet. A Discover card, driver's license, a condom. A photograph of Alan holding a large bluefish. She unfolds a piece of notepaper. Written in a feminine hand in pencil: Please pick up: Plunge Honey Nut Cheerios. LINDA Oh for Pete's sake! She catches herself, looks around. The snoring, off, continues. She looks out the window. The lights of the freeway twinkle. 28. 41 INT. YACHT - NIGHT 41 We are in the bedroom. The boat rides gently at anchor. Harry has an arm around Katie, in bed. Both stare at a point in space. After a beat that is silent except for the faint sloshing of water against hull: HARRY ... and then, you know, you grow up. I guess that's what's happened with me. You just... people change. We married when I was, what, in my mid- twenties. A kid. We were kids. Twenties. You think it's forever. Then, you know, you're older----you begin to feel your mortality, you start to think, well, there's no more

tried

How many times the word 'tried' appears in the text?

Burn After Reading Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS BURN AFTER READING Written by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen FADE IN 1 EXT. EASTERN SEABOARD - AERIALS - DAY 1 High in the air----so high we an see the curvature of the earth. The eastern seaboard stretches away, flecked with clouds. As we dissolve in closer the picture bleaches of color. We are looking down at the city of Washington, D.C. Dissolve closer still: a black-and-white aerial photograph of a neighborhood in suburban D.C. dominated by a sprawling building. Computer type quickly bleeps on: C.I.A. Headquarters Langley, Virginia 2 INT. CIA - HALLWAY - DAY 2 We track at floor level, following the well shined shoes of someone walking down the well polished hallway. 3 INT. PALMER'S OFFICE - DAY 3 We hear a door opening and a silver-haired man rises behind his desk. A nameplate on the desk identifies him as Palmer DeBakey Smith. PALMER Ozzie. Sit down. Osbourne Cox, entering, is a middle-aged man in a striped shirt and bow tie. OSBOURNE Palmer. What's up. PALMER You know Peck, and Olson. The two men, sitting on chairs facing the desk, nod at Osbourne, who is surprised to see them. OSBOURNE Peck, yes, hiya. Olson, by reputation. Hi, Osbourne Cox. OLSON Yeah, hiyah. 2. OSBOURNE Aren't you with...aren't you, uh... Palmer jumps in: PALMER Yeah, that's right. Oz, look. There's no easy way to say this. We're taking you off the Balkans desk. OSBOURNE You're----what? Why? PALMER In fact we're moving you out of Sigint entirely. OSBOURNE ...What? No discussion, just----you're out? PALMER Well, we're having the discussion now Oz. This doesn't have to be unpleasant. OSBOURNE Palmer, with all due respect----what the fuck are you talking about? A beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... And why is Olson here? Another uncomfortable beat. PALMER ... Look, Ozzie---- OSBOURNE What the fuck is this?! Is it my----I know it's not my work. PALMER Ozzie---- OSBOURNE I'm a great fucking analyst! Is it---- PALMER Oz, things are not going well. As you know. 3. PECK You have a drinking problem. Stunned silence. Ozzie turns to look at Peck. At length: OSBOURNE I have a drinking problem. PALMER This doesn't have to be unpleasant. We found you something in State. It's a, uh... He gropes, uncomfortable. PALMER (CONT'D) ... It's a lower clearance level. Yes. But we're not, this isn't, we're not terminating you. OSBOURNE (quietly) This is an assault. PECK Come on, Ozzie. OSBOURNE This is an assault. I have a drinking problem? Fuck you, Peck, you're a Mormon! PECK Ozzie---- OSBOURNE Next to you we all have a drinking problem! Fuck you guys! Whose ass didn't I kiss? Let's be honest! Palmer nods at Olson. PALMER Okay, Olson---- OSBOURNE Let's be fucking honest... Osbourne gets to his feet, agitated. 4. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... This is a crucifixion! This is political! Don't tell me it's not! He storms out the door. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I have a drinking problem! The door slams. Palmer Smith looks at Olson. Olson arches an eyebrow. 4 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 4 OSBOURNE Bow tie loosened, he stands at a kitchen counter. His shoulders twist as he does something below frame: we hear the crackle of ice cubes wrenching loose from a tray. Behind him we see the apartment door opening. Katie, an attractive middle-aged woman, enters, taking her key out of the door, but stops, surprised to see Osbourne. KATIE You're home. Osbourne continues making himself a drink. OSBOURNE Hang on to your hat, honey. I have some news. I---- KATIE Did you pick up the cheeses? OSBOURNE Huh? KATIE Were they ready? I didn't know you were coming home this early. OSBOURNE (blank) The cheeses. Katie rolls her eyes. 5. KATIE I left a message for you to stop at Todaro's. The Magruders and the Pfarrers are coming over. OSBOURNE The Pfarrers? Ugh. I----what did Kathleen say? KATIE What? OSBOURNE When you left the message? KATIE She said. She would give you. The message. OSBOURNE Well she, I don't know, I guess we had bigger news today. My day didn't revolve arou---- KATIE So you didn't get the cheeses. OSBOURNE Well, since I didn't get the message, no, I didn't get the cheeses. But hang on to your hat, I---- KATIE Oh for fuck's sake, Ozzie, you mean I have to go out again? All right, well, you better get dressed. OSBOURNE Honey, we have to talk. KATIE Not right now. They'll be here in, what, less than an hour. 5 INT. COX LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 5 A hand hovers, hesitates. VOICE Is this a, uh, goat cheese? OSBOURNE (OFF) Chevre, yes, that is a goat cheese. Pink Revision 8/14/07 6. Wider shows the cocktail party, meagerly attended but in full swing. Besides Osbourne and Katie there is Harry Pfarrer (who has just inquired about the cheese), bearded, forties, rugged; his wife Sandy; and a shiny-faced young couple, Doug and Tina Magruder. Osbourne holds a cocktail tumbler. HARRY Because I have lactose reflux. But I can---- OSBOURNE You're lactose intolerant? HARRY Yes, but I can---- OSBOURNE Or you have acid reflux? They're two different things. Harry looks at him coldly. HARRY I know what they are. OSBOURNE Then you misspoke yourself. So I---- HARRY Thank you for correcting me. KATIE You should try the chevre, Harry. It's very good. HARRY Yeah. I can eat goat cheese. He eats a piece, cupping one hand under his mouth. HARRY (CONT'D) ... I was just explaining to your husband here, I have a condition---- Katie tries to separate the two men by including Doug Magruder. KATIE Harry works with the Marshalls' * Service. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 6A. DOUG MAGRUDER Ah. I'm on the legislative side, I * work with Senator Hobby. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 7. HARRY * Used to work for Treasury, but I * didn't go over to Homeland Security. * I'm with the Marshalls. * OSBOURNE If you want he'll show you his great big gun. HARRY Very amusing. The gun is actually no big deal. Twenty years in the marshall's service and I've never discharged my weapon. OSBOURNE Sounds like something you should be telling your psychiatrist. HARRY What? I don't have a psychiatrist. DOUG MAGRUDER Boy, I guess my job is pretty undramatic. I'm on the legislative side. What do you do Mrs. Pfarrer? Do you also carry a gun? Harry laughs. HARRY Sandy writes children's books. SANDY I write children's books---- HARRY Oliver The Cat Who...Who..arghh----Who---- Choking on piece of cheese, coughing HARRY (CONT'D) ...Who Lives In The Rotunda. Excuse me. TINA Those are wonderful! My nieces and nephews---- 8. HARRY Yeah, it's a beloved series. You wouldn't believe her fan mail. Unghh. Are you sure this is goat cheese? KATIE Why don't you let your wife tell them about her own books, Harry? HARRY I'm sorry----was I---- KATIE Here, come in the kitchen, help me with the crudit s. 6 INT. COX KITCHEN - NIGHT 6 They enter. HARRY Goddamnit. He knows, doesn't he. He looks down at the floor. He stamps. HARRY (CONT'D) ... Nice floors. KATIE Knows what? Harry is looking around the kitchen, taking in the fixtures. Absently: HARRY About us, he knows about us. Little prick. KATIE Don't be an ass, he doesn't know a thing. Harry is staring down at the linoleum again. HARRY What is that, forbo? A6 EXT. STREET - NIGHT A6 A car drives by. 9. 7 INT. HARRY'S CAR - NIGHT 7 Harry driving, his wife next to him. A long beat. Finally: HARRY What a horse's ass. SANDY I don't know why we see them. Harry shrugs. HARRY Well, she's all right. SANDY She is a cold, stuck-up bitch. Harry opens his mouth to reply, considers, doesn't. They drive. 8 INT. COX MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT 8 KATIE She is staring, in front of a mirror, face covered in cold cream, one hand arrested on the way up to daub on more. KATIE You quit?! Osbourne is buttoning a pajama top. OSBOURNE Uh-huh. KATIE Well----Thank you for letting me know! OSBOURNE I tried to tell you this afternoon. KATIE You tried? You tried? And then---- what, the aphasia kicked in? OSBOURNE Our guests came. We---- 10. KATIE Why?! For fuck's sake, Ozzie! OSBOURNE I'm just----I don't know. I got so tired. KATIE You're tired. OSBOURNE Tired of swimming against the current. KATIE Uh-huh. OSBOURNE Independent thought is not only not valued there, they resist it, they fight it, the bureaucracy is positively---- KATIE Did you get a pension, or severance or something, or---- OSBOURNE I didn't retire you know, I, I quit. I don't want their benefits. KATIE But I suppose my benefits are all right, I suppose you can live with those, is that the idea? OSBOURNE It's not like that's the only way to make money. KATIE Yes? Yes? What're you gonna do? OSBOURNE I'll do some consulting. KATIE Consulting. OSBOURNE Yes, to help while I----I've always wanted to write. KATIE Write. Write what. 11. OSBOURNE I've been thinking about it. A book, a sort of, sort of memoir. Katie stares at him in the mirror. A beat. She bursts into laughter. 9 EXT. YACHT/AT SEA - DAY 9 THE BRIDGE A small yacht. Osbourne stands at the wheel, a light wind in his face, as the boat sails under motor power. After a beat he moves to the front of the boat. An old man sits on a bench on the prow facing out into the wind. He has snowy hair and a stern Yankee face. He wears a tweed cap. He doesn't much react to Osbourne's approach. OSBOURNE You okay there, Dad? The old man remains silent, staring. Osbourne sits next to him and idly tucks in the plaid blanket resting over the man's knees. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Dad, I left my job at the Agency... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I, uh... I'm sorry. Dad, government service is not what it was when you were in State. Things are different now. I don't know, maybe it's... it's... the Cold War ending; now it seems like it's all bureaucracy and no mission... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I'm writing a memoir. I think it's going to be pretty explosive. But I don't think you'll disapprove. I don't think you'll disapprove. Katie has had trouble accepting it. (MORE) 12. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) But... sometimes there's a higher patriotism, Dad. So we'll... Yes, change is hard. It's hard on Katie. But we'll be okay. We'll be okay. Life is change. This is good. We were all blocked up, Katie and me. This is, this is a blessing in disguise. I'll go into training, you know. Lay off the sauce. Like you did. You managed to do it. Finally. And then I can concentrate on, you know. New beginning. And this'll all have been for the best. Don't you think Dad? The old man stares out into the wind. Osbourne sniffles. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Cold. He taps the old man on the knee and rises. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I guess we should head back. 10 EXT. PIER - DAY 10 LONG SHOT THRU THE WINDSHIELD OF A CAR The sailboat docked at the end of a marina. Osbourne is pushing the old man in a wheel chair down the pier away from the boat. A MAN'S VOICE We've seen this... 11 INT. LAW FIRM - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY 11 THE MAN White hair, bushy eyebrows, a florid face. He is in a law- book lined conference room. He wears an expensive suit, suspenders, a white shirt with blue collar and cuffs. He is Bogus Terikhian. TERIKHIAN ... I know this kind of man. We've seen this. 13. Wider on the conference room shows that Katie Cox sits at the table, along with Terikhian, another lawyer, and an assistant. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Mrs. Cox, you can't let this man take advantage of you. And he will. He will. KATIE Yes. This is my fear. He's trying---- he says----he's trying to pull himself together, but... TERIKHIAN Look, sure, I----I'm obliged to tell you you should try to salvage things. And you should. People turn themselves around. Not unheard-of. But. You---- you haven't broached the possibility of divorce yet? KATIE No. TERIKHIAN Well that's good. Because first you should get all his financials. Before he's forewarned. Because here's a man, here's a man, practiced in deceit, this is almost, you could say it's his job, practiced at hiding things, and there is no reason, it is not improper, there is no reason for you not to get a picture of the household finances. Paper files, computer files, whatever----this is your prerogative. You can be a spy too, madam. Do this before you put him on alert. Before the turtle can draw in his head and his, uh... He waggles his hands, groping for the word. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Feet. He shrugs. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... And hopefully everything will work out. He will reform. But! If not: forewarned is forearmed. 14. 12 INT. COX HOUSE - DAY 12 Osbourne is splayed on an easy chair, wearing a bathrobe over pyjamas. He stares at the ceiling, motionless, arms out- flung, like Marat in his bathtub. A long still beat. A clock ticks. Abruptly Osbourne raises one hand to speak into a microcassette recorder. OSBOURNE We were young and committed and there was nothing we couldn't do. We thought of the Agency less as... less as... The thought, such as it was, peters out. Osbourne rises and wanders around the room, glassy-eyed. He suddenly raises the microcassette again. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... The principles of George Kennan----a personal hero of mine----were what animated us. In fact they were what had originally inspired me to enter government service. Like the State Department's China Hands of yore, or, in a different forum, in a different venue, in a different medium, in, um... "Murrow's Boys," the fabled----in a different---- He suddenly stops, head cocked, listening. Faintly, a ringing phone. 13 INT. COX BASEMENT STAIRWAY - DAY 13 At the cut Osbourne is thundering down a steep carpeted stairway. He inclines his head to clear the ceiling that juts over the bottom half of the stairwell. The phone is louder here. 14 INT. COX BASEMENT - DAY 14 A semi-finished basement with cheap paneling and a low dropped ceiling of water-stained Johnson-Armstrong tile. The ringing phone is on a cheap government-surplus desk. The answering machine, with Osbourne's voice, picks up: 15. MACHINE You have reached The Cox Group... Osbourne, robe flapping, shuffles hurriedly in his slippered feet toward the phone. MACHINE (CONT'D) ... We can't answer your call right now. Please leave a---- OSBOURNE (heavy breathing) Hello. He eases into the chair, having swiped up the phone. A listening beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Yes?... Oh, no... No, call her number... No, upstairs...No she's not, but leave it on her machine. 15 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY - LATER 15 We are looking over Osbourne's shoulder----he is still in his robe----as he sits hunched on an ottoman, looking at a daytime game show. A few beats of the show. Roaring laughter from the studio audience. Mild chuckle from Osbourne in the foreground. 16 INT LIVING ROOM - DAY - STILL LATER 16 Ticking clock. Osbourne paces with the microcassette recorder. He raises it with a thought, draws a breath, and then stops, and looks off. The ticking grandfather clock: ornate hands on an ornate clock face Two or three minutes to five. Osbourne stares for a long beat. 17 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 17 OSBOURNE Shoulders twisting as we hear ice clattering out of a tray. He pours coke sizzling onto the ice. 16. He pauses for a long beat. He takes a bottle of rum out of a cabinet. He pours some into a hatch-marked shot glass. He looks at it. The amber liquid tops the hatch mark. He conscientiously pours the overage back, murmuring: OSBOURNE Single... He dumps the shot into the Coke. 18 EXT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 18 As before, the boat, docked at the end of the marina pier, is seen in long shot through the windshield of a car. Closer on the boat. As water laps against pilings and the boat gently bobs and creaks, we hear, muffled, the sounds of a couple having sex. When it builds to climax we cut: 19 INT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 19 Minutes later. We hold on a door for a quiet beat, then we hear the gurgle of water, and then the door opens. Harry Pfarrer emerges from the small bathroom, buckling his belt. In the bedroom which he emerges into Katie Cox is just finishing dressing. Harry looks at his watch. HARRY I should try to get a run in. 20 INT. COX HOUSE - DUSK 20 Katie is letting herself in. KATIE Ozzie! Quiet. 21 INT. KITCHEN - DUSK 21 Katie enters and sees a note on the counter paperweighted by a plate of used lime wedges: 17. Honey, At Fenninger's. Reunion committee dinner. See you later. 22 EXT. POTOMAC BRIDGE - DUSK 22 Long-lens, hand-held, point-of-view seeming: Harry Pfarrer is jogging in his Treasury sweats. Closer on him. Brow furrows. He spins, jogs backwards, looking. His point-of-view: nothing unusual; traffic on the bridge, no pedestrians particularly close. Harry, mildly puzzled, slows and stops. He turns again. Point-of-view up the bridge: empty. Harry starts jogging again. 23 INT. COX BASEMENT - NIGHT 23 We are tracking toward the desk in the corner, at which Katie sits. She cracks open a CD case and loads the CD into Osbourne's computer. A suspense drone builds as we track in. Katie starts typing, then suddenly stops. She holds still, listening for noises in the house. Nothing. She resumes typing. We hear male voices beginning to swell in song. The voices continue after the suspense drone snaps off, at the cut to: 24 INT. FENNINGER'S - NIGHT 24 A musty steakhouse. On the walls are hunting-scene prints and steel engravings of English country houses. A placard resting on a chair outside the Georgian Room: CLOSED FOR PRIVATE PARTY. From inside the room, male voices: VOICES Tune every heart and every voice... 18. 25 INT. FENNINGER'S - GEORGIAN ROOM - NIGHT 25 A dozen middle-aged men around a long table, each holding high a glass. MEN ... Bid every care withdraw. Let all with one accord rejoice... The men are sweaty, tie-loosened, dinner-stuffed and boozy. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau... Close on Osbourne as a rotund middle-aged classmate fills his glass to brimming. The two sway unsteadily with the music.. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau my boys, Hoo-rah, hoo-rah, hoorah! All swing their glasses side-to-side in rhythm: MEN (CONT'D) ... Her sons... shall give... while they... shall live... Glasses are thrust high with a ringing finish: MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau! 26 INT. EXAM ROOM - DAY 26 A WOMAN'S ASS Bare. Pale. Middle-aged. Someone with a marker is drawing on the flesh to illustrate: DOCTOR (OFF) We take all the chicken fat off your buttocks, here... and here... And the upper arms. And a little off your tummy... The camera is arcing around a standing, naked, middle-aged woman, to reveal the doctor sitting on a stool in the examining room, facing her. He reaches forward again with the marker. 19. DOCTOR (OFF) (CONT'D) ...And we do breast augmentation with a tiny incision here... and here. PATIENT (OFF) Uh-huh. And what about the thigh area? DOCTOR Well we can do liposuction there as well, but that area will respond to exercise. Buttocks and upper arms begin to store more fat when you get up around forty, the body just tells it to go there, but the thighs will respond to toning exercises. PATIENT Uh-huh. I know, I can work out on my arms til the cows come home, but... DOCTOR Uh-huh. And of course there are also genetic factors. PATIENT The Litzkes are big. DOCTOR Uh-huh, well everything's---- PATIENT My mom had an ass that could pull a bus. DOCTOR Wow. Well that's a predispo---- PATIENT Father's side too, although Dad tends to carry his weight in front of him. DOCTOR Uh-huh. PATIENT In the gut area. Derriere, not so much. DOCTOR Okay. The continuing track around is also booming up to reveal the face of the patient, Linda Litzke. 20. LINDA And what about the face, you know, the window to the soul. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Very well put. Well your eyes are one of your best features. But we can do something about the incipient crow's feet. LINDA Baby crow's feet. Little chickling's feet. I mean chicks. Chickie chickie chickie. DOCTOR Ha-ha, yes, again, well put. You have a way with words. We cut here... He marks. DOCTOR (CONT'D) ... And we pull the skin tight, like stretching the skin over a drum. Not too tight, though. We don't want that "worked-on" look. You need sufficient slack for the face to remain expressive. LINDA Yeah, I don't wanna look like Boris Karloff. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Heh-heh, so you don't want a sex change! LINDA No, I'm all woman! 27 INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY 27 Doctor and patient, now dressed, sit on either side of a desk. DOCTOR So Linda, what we're talking about here is four different procedures. (ticks them off) The liposuction... The rhinoplasty... The facial tuck, which I would strongly recommend over the chemical peel---- 21. LINDA Yeah, I don't want to get anything burned off. DOCTOR And why should you. With that lovely skin. And lastly, the breast augmentation. Now we can also do something about the vaccine scar----I don't know if you wear sleeveless dresses much---- LINDA Not with these ham hocks! DOCTOR Yes, well once they're nice and svelte, post-op, you---- LINDA Well I don't know. Is the vaccine thing----can you counsel me on this? I don't know, is it unsightly? I see it a lot, a bunch of people have it. DOCTOR Absolutely! Some women don't mind it at all! Personal taste! 28 INT. HARDBODIES - DAY 28 Linda Litzke, in a Hardbodies polo shirt with "Linda" stitched on the breast, leans out of her semi-enclosed office on the gym floor. LINDA Chad! 29 INT. HARDBODIES - GYM FLOOR - DAY 29 Chad Feldheimer, trainer, fortyish and well-muscled, has a gym patron up on a table and is helping him stretch a leg back. PATRON Ow! CHAD I'm sorry, was that too much? 22. PATRON I felt a straining... a tightness in the... in the front of my ass... CHAD Well you're pretty tight. You have to feel it or---- LINDA (on the public address) Chad Feldheimer. Office. CHAD I'll be back in a minute. We'll work on opening those hips. 30 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY 30 Linda is tapping at her computer as Chad enters. LINDA I got a batch from BeWithMeDC dot com. Chad perches on the desk, chewing gum as he gazes at the screen. CHAD Oh wow. Any good? LINDA I don't know yet, just looking... How do you open this? CHAD Click on, uh... yeah... LINDA Oh my god! CHAD What? LINDA Oh my God, what a loser! She clicks. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser! She clicks. Chad is laughing. Linda scowls. 23. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser!... What is this! They should call this Mr. Saggy dot com. CHAD Cripes. LINDA Loser! CHAD Did you have to send a picture? LINDA No, only guys do. I submitted a verbal profile, turn-ons, turn-offs, et cetera. I'm really looking for someone with a sense of humor. CHAD That guy----wait----that guy wasn't bad. LINDA Him? CHAD No, before. LINDA Him? CHAD Yeah. He uh, he might not be a loser. LINDA How can you tell? CHAD That's a Brioni suit. LINDA Oh yeah? CHAD Shit yeah. LINDA (dubious) Does he look like he has a sense of humor? CHAD He looks like his optometrist has a sense of humor. 24. Linda slaps his arm. CHAD (CONT'D) ... Huh-huh-huh. What does he do? LINDA State Department. CHAD That's cool. LINDA His hair is... what is that? CHAD Plugs. 31 INT. GYM - NEXT DAY 31 Linda is showing someone around the floor. LINDA This is the cardio area. A lot of machines here so that, believe me, there's never a wait. What you're seeing now, this is our busiest time, and there's still a couple of open treadmills I see, three Stairmasters---- I call it the Butt-Blaster----couple of LifeCycles----Hi, Chad. Chad is working with a medicine ball and a heavy young woman. CHAD Hi Linda. Did you call that guy? LINDA Not yet! Chad is one of our trainers. I've just started internet dating and I got my first look at the, uh... CUSTOMER What service? LINDA BeWithMeDC dot com? CUSTOMER Nice. LINDA Have you used them? 25. CUSTOMER No----two friends did and they're both hooked up. With really special guys. LINDA That's fantastic. 32 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - LATER 32 Linda is leaning forward at her desk, phone wedged between ear and shoulder, one hand up at her forehead. After a long still beat: LINDA Yes! Another still beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... English! Beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Agent! Beat. LINDA DRIVING ... Agent! Agent! Beat. LINDA ... Yes, hi, this is Linda Litzke, should I give you my account number? You have it up? Okay. I was informed that I needed pre-approval for these surgeries, and then... Yes, it was denied. Listening, then: LINDA (CONT'D) ...No, those are four different operations... It's very complicated; I'm reinventing myself, it's a whole new look so it isn't just one thing, however, it's all approved by my doctor... But----madam! This is not----my job involves, you know, public interface! This is not... 26. Her jaw sets. She controls her fury. Quieter: LINDA (CONT'D) ... Yes I do understand. Could I speak to your supervisor please? 33 INT. TED'S OFFICE/LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY - MINUTES LATER 33 We are on a long lens point-of-view, from several cubicles over, of Linda, now slumped at her desk, head in her arms. We faintly hear her sobbing. Reverse shows Ted Treffon, middle-aged, balding, the soulful manager of Hardbodies. He looks at Linda, puzzled and a little alarmed. He tenses as if to rise but doesn't, and hovers uncomfortably, unsure of whether to intrude. 34 EXT. WASHINGTON MALL - DAY 34 Linda walks down the promenade dressed in a smart pant suit. Her moving POV passes over a couple in conversation, an old woman feeding the birds, a man in a business suit reading a newspaper. She passes the man and turns around. He has looked up from the paper and is staring at her. He wears aviator-shaped glasses with clear plastic rims. He may have hair plugs. LINDA Alan? MAN (ALAN) Are you, uh... Linda? 35 EXT. CIRCLE THEATRE - DUSK 35 A poster advertises Totally Stoked! with Dermot Mulroney and Claire Danes. 36 INT. THEATRE - NIGHT 36 On the screen, Dermot Mulroney, dressed in a tuxedo, cranes his head to look steeply up and off. Linda sits next to Alan in the half-empty theatre, nervously watching the screen. 27. DERMOT (OFF) First you tell me that you can't commit, then you----WOULD YOU GET DOWN FROM THERE! Linda laughs raucously, then catches herself and looks at Alan. 37 INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT 37 The couple sit across from each other at a small table. They pick at their food. 38 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - NIGHT 38 The couple are making love in the dark room on a frilly comforter. Alan, still wearing his glasses, wheezes asthmatically. 39 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - LATER 39 Alan is snoring. After a long beat Linda gets up and puts on a robe. She bends down near the bed and picks something up out of Alan's trousers. 40 INT. LINDA'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 40 She sits into a chair near the window in the dark room and opens Alan's wallet. A Discover card, driver's license, a condom. A photograph of Alan holding a large bluefish. She unfolds a piece of notepaper. Written in a feminine hand in pencil: Please pick up: Plunge Honey Nut Cheerios. LINDA Oh for Pete's sake! She catches herself, looks around. The snoring, off, continues. She looks out the window. The lights of the freeway twinkle. 28. 41 INT. YACHT - NIGHT 41 We are in the bedroom. The boat rides gently at anchor. Harry has an arm around Katie, in bed. Both stare at a point in space. After a beat that is silent except for the faint sloshing of water against hull: HARRY ... and then, you know, you grow up. I guess that's what's happened with me. You just... people change. We married when I was, what, in my mid- twenties. A kid. We were kids. Twenties. You think it's forever. Then, you know, you're older----you begin to feel your mortality, you start to think, well, there's no more

bearded

How many times the word 'bearded' appears in the text?

Burn After Reading Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS BURN AFTER READING Written by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen FADE IN 1 EXT. EASTERN SEABOARD - AERIALS - DAY 1 High in the air----so high we an see the curvature of the earth. The eastern seaboard stretches away, flecked with clouds. As we dissolve in closer the picture bleaches of color. We are looking down at the city of Washington, D.C. Dissolve closer still: a black-and-white aerial photograph of a neighborhood in suburban D.C. dominated by a sprawling building. Computer type quickly bleeps on: C.I.A. Headquarters Langley, Virginia 2 INT. CIA - HALLWAY - DAY 2 We track at floor level, following the well shined shoes of someone walking down the well polished hallway. 3 INT. PALMER'S OFFICE - DAY 3 We hear a door opening and a silver-haired man rises behind his desk. A nameplate on the desk identifies him as Palmer DeBakey Smith. PALMER Ozzie. Sit down. Osbourne Cox, entering, is a middle-aged man in a striped shirt and bow tie. OSBOURNE Palmer. What's up. PALMER You know Peck, and Olson. The two men, sitting on chairs facing the desk, nod at Osbourne, who is surprised to see them. OSBOURNE Peck, yes, hiya. Olson, by reputation. Hi, Osbourne Cox. OLSON Yeah, hiyah. 2. OSBOURNE Aren't you with...aren't you, uh... Palmer jumps in: PALMER Yeah, that's right. Oz, look. There's no easy way to say this. We're taking you off the Balkans desk. OSBOURNE You're----what? Why? PALMER In fact we're moving you out of Sigint entirely. OSBOURNE ...What? No discussion, just----you're out? PALMER Well, we're having the discussion now Oz. This doesn't have to be unpleasant. OSBOURNE Palmer, with all due respect----what the fuck are you talking about? A beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... And why is Olson here? Another uncomfortable beat. PALMER ... Look, Ozzie---- OSBOURNE What the fuck is this?! Is it my----I know it's not my work. PALMER Ozzie---- OSBOURNE I'm a great fucking analyst! Is it---- PALMER Oz, things are not going well. As you know. 3. PECK You have a drinking problem. Stunned silence. Ozzie turns to look at Peck. At length: OSBOURNE I have a drinking problem. PALMER This doesn't have to be unpleasant. We found you something in State. It's a, uh... He gropes, uncomfortable. PALMER (CONT'D) ... It's a lower clearance level. Yes. But we're not, this isn't, we're not terminating you. OSBOURNE (quietly) This is an assault. PECK Come on, Ozzie. OSBOURNE This is an assault. I have a drinking problem? Fuck you, Peck, you're a Mormon! PECK Ozzie---- OSBOURNE Next to you we all have a drinking problem! Fuck you guys! Whose ass didn't I kiss? Let's be honest! Palmer nods at Olson. PALMER Okay, Olson---- OSBOURNE Let's be fucking honest... Osbourne gets to his feet, agitated. 4. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... This is a crucifixion! This is political! Don't tell me it's not! He storms out the door. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I have a drinking problem! The door slams. Palmer Smith looks at Olson. Olson arches an eyebrow. 4 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 4 OSBOURNE Bow tie loosened, he stands at a kitchen counter. His shoulders twist as he does something below frame: we hear the crackle of ice cubes wrenching loose from a tray. Behind him we see the apartment door opening. Katie, an attractive middle-aged woman, enters, taking her key out of the door, but stops, surprised to see Osbourne. KATIE You're home. Osbourne continues making himself a drink. OSBOURNE Hang on to your hat, honey. I have some news. I---- KATIE Did you pick up the cheeses? OSBOURNE Huh? KATIE Were they ready? I didn't know you were coming home this early. OSBOURNE (blank) The cheeses. Katie rolls her eyes. 5. KATIE I left a message for you to stop at Todaro's. The Magruders and the Pfarrers are coming over. OSBOURNE The Pfarrers? Ugh. I----what did Kathleen say? KATIE What? OSBOURNE When you left the message? KATIE She said. She would give you. The message. OSBOURNE Well she, I don't know, I guess we had bigger news today. My day didn't revolve arou---- KATIE So you didn't get the cheeses. OSBOURNE Well, since I didn't get the message, no, I didn't get the cheeses. But hang on to your hat, I---- KATIE Oh for fuck's sake, Ozzie, you mean I have to go out again? All right, well, you better get dressed. OSBOURNE Honey, we have to talk. KATIE Not right now. They'll be here in, what, less than an hour. 5 INT. COX LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 5 A hand hovers, hesitates. VOICE Is this a, uh, goat cheese? OSBOURNE (OFF) Chevre, yes, that is a goat cheese. Pink Revision 8/14/07 6. Wider shows the cocktail party, meagerly attended but in full swing. Besides Osbourne and Katie there is Harry Pfarrer (who has just inquired about the cheese), bearded, forties, rugged; his wife Sandy; and a shiny-faced young couple, Doug and Tina Magruder. Osbourne holds a cocktail tumbler. HARRY Because I have lactose reflux. But I can---- OSBOURNE You're lactose intolerant? HARRY Yes, but I can---- OSBOURNE Or you have acid reflux? They're two different things. Harry looks at him coldly. HARRY I know what they are. OSBOURNE Then you misspoke yourself. So I---- HARRY Thank you for correcting me. KATIE You should try the chevre, Harry. It's very good. HARRY Yeah. I can eat goat cheese. He eats a piece, cupping one hand under his mouth. HARRY (CONT'D) ... I was just explaining to your husband here, I have a condition---- Katie tries to separate the two men by including Doug Magruder. KATIE Harry works with the Marshalls' * Service. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 6A. DOUG MAGRUDER Ah. I'm on the legislative side, I * work with Senator Hobby. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 7. HARRY * Used to work for Treasury, but I * didn't go over to Homeland Security. * I'm with the Marshalls. * OSBOURNE If you want he'll show you his great big gun. HARRY Very amusing. The gun is actually no big deal. Twenty years in the marshall's service and I've never discharged my weapon. OSBOURNE Sounds like something you should be telling your psychiatrist. HARRY What? I don't have a psychiatrist. DOUG MAGRUDER Boy, I guess my job is pretty undramatic. I'm on the legislative side. What do you do Mrs. Pfarrer? Do you also carry a gun? Harry laughs. HARRY Sandy writes children's books. SANDY I write children's books---- HARRY Oliver The Cat Who...Who..arghh----Who---- Choking on piece of cheese, coughing HARRY (CONT'D) ...Who Lives In The Rotunda. Excuse me. TINA Those are wonderful! My nieces and nephews---- 8. HARRY Yeah, it's a beloved series. You wouldn't believe her fan mail. Unghh. Are you sure this is goat cheese? KATIE Why don't you let your wife tell them about her own books, Harry? HARRY I'm sorry----was I---- KATIE Here, come in the kitchen, help me with the crudit s. 6 INT. COX KITCHEN - NIGHT 6 They enter. HARRY Goddamnit. He knows, doesn't he. He looks down at the floor. He stamps. HARRY (CONT'D) ... Nice floors. KATIE Knows what? Harry is looking around the kitchen, taking in the fixtures. Absently: HARRY About us, he knows about us. Little prick. KATIE Don't be an ass, he doesn't know a thing. Harry is staring down at the linoleum again. HARRY What is that, forbo? A6 EXT. STREET - NIGHT A6 A car drives by. 9. 7 INT. HARRY'S CAR - NIGHT 7 Harry driving, his wife next to him. A long beat. Finally: HARRY What a horse's ass. SANDY I don't know why we see them. Harry shrugs. HARRY Well, she's all right. SANDY She is a cold, stuck-up bitch. Harry opens his mouth to reply, considers, doesn't. They drive. 8 INT. COX MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT 8 KATIE She is staring, in front of a mirror, face covered in cold cream, one hand arrested on the way up to daub on more. KATIE You quit?! Osbourne is buttoning a pajama top. OSBOURNE Uh-huh. KATIE Well----Thank you for letting me know! OSBOURNE I tried to tell you this afternoon. KATIE You tried? You tried? And then---- what, the aphasia kicked in? OSBOURNE Our guests came. We---- 10. KATIE Why?! For fuck's sake, Ozzie! OSBOURNE I'm just----I don't know. I got so tired. KATIE You're tired. OSBOURNE Tired of swimming against the current. KATIE Uh-huh. OSBOURNE Independent thought is not only not valued there, they resist it, they fight it, the bureaucracy is positively---- KATIE Did you get a pension, or severance or something, or---- OSBOURNE I didn't retire you know, I, I quit. I don't want their benefits. KATIE But I suppose my benefits are all right, I suppose you can live with those, is that the idea? OSBOURNE It's not like that's the only way to make money. KATIE Yes? Yes? What're you gonna do? OSBOURNE I'll do some consulting. KATIE Consulting. OSBOURNE Yes, to help while I----I've always wanted to write. KATIE Write. Write what. 11. OSBOURNE I've been thinking about it. A book, a sort of, sort of memoir. Katie stares at him in the mirror. A beat. She bursts into laughter. 9 EXT. YACHT/AT SEA - DAY 9 THE BRIDGE A small yacht. Osbourne stands at the wheel, a light wind in his face, as the boat sails under motor power. After a beat he moves to the front of the boat. An old man sits on a bench on the prow facing out into the wind. He has snowy hair and a stern Yankee face. He wears a tweed cap. He doesn't much react to Osbourne's approach. OSBOURNE You okay there, Dad? The old man remains silent, staring. Osbourne sits next to him and idly tucks in the plaid blanket resting over the man's knees. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Dad, I left my job at the Agency... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I, uh... I'm sorry. Dad, government service is not what it was when you were in State. Things are different now. I don't know, maybe it's... it's... the Cold War ending; now it seems like it's all bureaucracy and no mission... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I'm writing a memoir. I think it's going to be pretty explosive. But I don't think you'll disapprove. I don't think you'll disapprove. Katie has had trouble accepting it. (MORE) 12. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) But... sometimes there's a higher patriotism, Dad. So we'll... Yes, change is hard. It's hard on Katie. But we'll be okay. We'll be okay. Life is change. This is good. We were all blocked up, Katie and me. This is, this is a blessing in disguise. I'll go into training, you know. Lay off the sauce. Like you did. You managed to do it. Finally. And then I can concentrate on, you know. New beginning. And this'll all have been for the best. Don't you think Dad? The old man stares out into the wind. Osbourne sniffles. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Cold. He taps the old man on the knee and rises. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I guess we should head back. 10 EXT. PIER - DAY 10 LONG SHOT THRU THE WINDSHIELD OF A CAR The sailboat docked at the end of a marina. Osbourne is pushing the old man in a wheel chair down the pier away from the boat. A MAN'S VOICE We've seen this... 11 INT. LAW FIRM - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY 11 THE MAN White hair, bushy eyebrows, a florid face. He is in a law- book lined conference room. He wears an expensive suit, suspenders, a white shirt with blue collar and cuffs. He is Bogus Terikhian. TERIKHIAN ... I know this kind of man. We've seen this. 13. Wider on the conference room shows that Katie Cox sits at the table, along with Terikhian, another lawyer, and an assistant. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Mrs. Cox, you can't let this man take advantage of you. And he will. He will. KATIE Yes. This is my fear. He's trying---- he says----he's trying to pull himself together, but... TERIKHIAN Look, sure, I----I'm obliged to tell you you should try to salvage things. And you should. People turn themselves around. Not unheard-of. But. You---- you haven't broached the possibility of divorce yet? KATIE No. TERIKHIAN Well that's good. Because first you should get all his financials. Before he's forewarned. Because here's a man, here's a man, practiced in deceit, this is almost, you could say it's his job, practiced at hiding things, and there is no reason, it is not improper, there is no reason for you not to get a picture of the household finances. Paper files, computer files, whatever----this is your prerogative. You can be a spy too, madam. Do this before you put him on alert. Before the turtle can draw in his head and his, uh... He waggles his hands, groping for the word. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Feet. He shrugs. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... And hopefully everything will work out. He will reform. But! If not: forewarned is forearmed. 14. 12 INT. COX HOUSE - DAY 12 Osbourne is splayed on an easy chair, wearing a bathrobe over pyjamas. He stares at the ceiling, motionless, arms out- flung, like Marat in his bathtub. A long still beat. A clock ticks. Abruptly Osbourne raises one hand to speak into a microcassette recorder. OSBOURNE We were young and committed and there was nothing we couldn't do. We thought of the Agency less as... less as... The thought, such as it was, peters out. Osbourne rises and wanders around the room, glassy-eyed. He suddenly raises the microcassette again. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... The principles of George Kennan----a personal hero of mine----were what animated us. In fact they were what had originally inspired me to enter government service. Like the State Department's China Hands of yore, or, in a different forum, in a different venue, in a different medium, in, um... "Murrow's Boys," the fabled----in a different---- He suddenly stops, head cocked, listening. Faintly, a ringing phone. 13 INT. COX BASEMENT STAIRWAY - DAY 13 At the cut Osbourne is thundering down a steep carpeted stairway. He inclines his head to clear the ceiling that juts over the bottom half of the stairwell. The phone is louder here. 14 INT. COX BASEMENT - DAY 14 A semi-finished basement with cheap paneling and a low dropped ceiling of water-stained Johnson-Armstrong tile. The ringing phone is on a cheap government-surplus desk. The answering machine, with Osbourne's voice, picks up: 15. MACHINE You have reached The Cox Group... Osbourne, robe flapping, shuffles hurriedly in his slippered feet toward the phone. MACHINE (CONT'D) ... We can't answer your call right now. Please leave a---- OSBOURNE (heavy breathing) Hello. He eases into the chair, having swiped up the phone. A listening beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Yes?... Oh, no... No, call her number... No, upstairs...No she's not, but leave it on her machine. 15 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY - LATER 15 We are looking over Osbourne's shoulder----he is still in his robe----as he sits hunched on an ottoman, looking at a daytime game show. A few beats of the show. Roaring laughter from the studio audience. Mild chuckle from Osbourne in the foreground. 16 INT LIVING ROOM - DAY - STILL LATER 16 Ticking clock. Osbourne paces with the microcassette recorder. He raises it with a thought, draws a breath, and then stops, and looks off. The ticking grandfather clock: ornate hands on an ornate clock face Two or three minutes to five. Osbourne stares for a long beat. 17 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 17 OSBOURNE Shoulders twisting as we hear ice clattering out of a tray. He pours coke sizzling onto the ice. 16. He pauses for a long beat. He takes a bottle of rum out of a cabinet. He pours some into a hatch-marked shot glass. He looks at it. The amber liquid tops the hatch mark. He conscientiously pours the overage back, murmuring: OSBOURNE Single... He dumps the shot into the Coke. 18 EXT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 18 As before, the boat, docked at the end of the marina pier, is seen in long shot through the windshield of a car. Closer on the boat. As water laps against pilings and the boat gently bobs and creaks, we hear, muffled, the sounds of a couple having sex. When it builds to climax we cut: 19 INT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 19 Minutes later. We hold on a door for a quiet beat, then we hear the gurgle of water, and then the door opens. Harry Pfarrer emerges from the small bathroom, buckling his belt. In the bedroom which he emerges into Katie Cox is just finishing dressing. Harry looks at his watch. HARRY I should try to get a run in. 20 INT. COX HOUSE - DUSK 20 Katie is letting herself in. KATIE Ozzie! Quiet. 21 INT. KITCHEN - DUSK 21 Katie enters and sees a note on the counter paperweighted by a plate of used lime wedges: 17. Honey, At Fenninger's. Reunion committee dinner. See you later. 22 EXT. POTOMAC BRIDGE - DUSK 22 Long-lens, hand-held, point-of-view seeming: Harry Pfarrer is jogging in his Treasury sweats. Closer on him. Brow furrows. He spins, jogs backwards, looking. His point-of-view: nothing unusual; traffic on the bridge, no pedestrians particularly close. Harry, mildly puzzled, slows and stops. He turns again. Point-of-view up the bridge: empty. Harry starts jogging again. 23 INT. COX BASEMENT - NIGHT 23 We are tracking toward the desk in the corner, at which Katie sits. She cracks open a CD case and loads the CD into Osbourne's computer. A suspense drone builds as we track in. Katie starts typing, then suddenly stops. She holds still, listening for noises in the house. Nothing. She resumes typing. We hear male voices beginning to swell in song. The voices continue after the suspense drone snaps off, at the cut to: 24 INT. FENNINGER'S - NIGHT 24 A musty steakhouse. On the walls are hunting-scene prints and steel engravings of English country houses. A placard resting on a chair outside the Georgian Room: CLOSED FOR PRIVATE PARTY. From inside the room, male voices: VOICES Tune every heart and every voice... 18. 25 INT. FENNINGER'S - GEORGIAN ROOM - NIGHT 25 A dozen middle-aged men around a long table, each holding high a glass. MEN ... Bid every care withdraw. Let all with one accord rejoice... The men are sweaty, tie-loosened, dinner-stuffed and boozy. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau... Close on Osbourne as a rotund middle-aged classmate fills his glass to brimming. The two sway unsteadily with the music.. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau my boys, Hoo-rah, hoo-rah, hoorah! All swing their glasses side-to-side in rhythm: MEN (CONT'D) ... Her sons... shall give... while they... shall live... Glasses are thrust high with a ringing finish: MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau! 26 INT. EXAM ROOM - DAY 26 A WOMAN'S ASS Bare. Pale. Middle-aged. Someone with a marker is drawing on the flesh to illustrate: DOCTOR (OFF) We take all the chicken fat off your buttocks, here... and here... And the upper arms. And a little off your tummy... The camera is arcing around a standing, naked, middle-aged woman, to reveal the doctor sitting on a stool in the examining room, facing her. He reaches forward again with the marker. 19. DOCTOR (OFF) (CONT'D) ...And we do breast augmentation with a tiny incision here... and here. PATIENT (OFF) Uh-huh. And what about the thigh area? DOCTOR Well we can do liposuction there as well, but that area will respond to exercise. Buttocks and upper arms begin to store more fat when you get up around forty, the body just tells it to go there, but the thighs will respond to toning exercises. PATIENT Uh-huh. I know, I can work out on my arms til the cows come home, but... DOCTOR Uh-huh. And of course there are also genetic factors. PATIENT The Litzkes are big. DOCTOR Uh-huh, well everything's---- PATIENT My mom had an ass that could pull a bus. DOCTOR Wow. Well that's a predispo---- PATIENT Father's side too, although Dad tends to carry his weight in front of him. DOCTOR Uh-huh. PATIENT In the gut area. Derriere, not so much. DOCTOR Okay. The continuing track around is also booming up to reveal the face of the patient, Linda Litzke. 20. LINDA And what about the face, you know, the window to the soul. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Very well put. Well your eyes are one of your best features. But we can do something about the incipient crow's feet. LINDA Baby crow's feet. Little chickling's feet. I mean chicks. Chickie chickie chickie. DOCTOR Ha-ha, yes, again, well put. You have a way with words. We cut here... He marks. DOCTOR (CONT'D) ... And we pull the skin tight, like stretching the skin over a drum. Not too tight, though. We don't want that "worked-on" look. You need sufficient slack for the face to remain expressive. LINDA Yeah, I don't wanna look like Boris Karloff. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Heh-heh, so you don't want a sex change! LINDA No, I'm all woman! 27 INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY 27 Doctor and patient, now dressed, sit on either side of a desk. DOCTOR So Linda, what we're talking about here is four different procedures. (ticks them off) The liposuction... The rhinoplasty... The facial tuck, which I would strongly recommend over the chemical peel---- 21. LINDA Yeah, I don't want to get anything burned off. DOCTOR And why should you. With that lovely skin. And lastly, the breast augmentation. Now we can also do something about the vaccine scar----I don't know if you wear sleeveless dresses much---- LINDA Not with these ham hocks! DOCTOR Yes, well once they're nice and svelte, post-op, you---- LINDA Well I don't know. Is the vaccine thing----can you counsel me on this? I don't know, is it unsightly? I see it a lot, a bunch of people have it. DOCTOR Absolutely! Some women don't mind it at all! Personal taste! 28 INT. HARDBODIES - DAY 28 Linda Litzke, in a Hardbodies polo shirt with "Linda" stitched on the breast, leans out of her semi-enclosed office on the gym floor. LINDA Chad! 29 INT. HARDBODIES - GYM FLOOR - DAY 29 Chad Feldheimer, trainer, fortyish and well-muscled, has a gym patron up on a table and is helping him stretch a leg back. PATRON Ow! CHAD I'm sorry, was that too much? 22. PATRON I felt a straining... a tightness in the... in the front of my ass... CHAD Well you're pretty tight. You have to feel it or---- LINDA (on the public address) Chad Feldheimer. Office. CHAD I'll be back in a minute. We'll work on opening those hips. 30 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY 30 Linda is tapping at her computer as Chad enters. LINDA I got a batch from BeWithMeDC dot com. Chad perches on the desk, chewing gum as he gazes at the screen. CHAD Oh wow. Any good? LINDA I don't know yet, just looking... How do you open this? CHAD Click on, uh... yeah... LINDA Oh my god! CHAD What? LINDA Oh my God, what a loser! She clicks. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser! She clicks. Chad is laughing. Linda scowls. 23. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser!... What is this! They should call this Mr. Saggy dot com. CHAD Cripes. LINDA Loser! CHAD Did you have to send a picture? LINDA No, only guys do. I submitted a verbal profile, turn-ons, turn-offs, et cetera. I'm really looking for someone with a sense of humor. CHAD That guy----wait----that guy wasn't bad. LINDA Him? CHAD No, before. LINDA Him? CHAD Yeah. He uh, he might not be a loser. LINDA How can you tell? CHAD That's a Brioni suit. LINDA Oh yeah? CHAD Shit yeah. LINDA (dubious) Does he look like he has a sense of humor? CHAD He looks like his optometrist has a sense of humor. 24. Linda slaps his arm. CHAD (CONT'D) ... Huh-huh-huh. What does he do? LINDA State Department. CHAD That's cool. LINDA His hair is... what is that? CHAD Plugs. 31 INT. GYM - NEXT DAY 31 Linda is showing someone around the floor. LINDA This is the cardio area. A lot of machines here so that, believe me, there's never a wait. What you're seeing now, this is our busiest time, and there's still a couple of open treadmills I see, three Stairmasters---- I call it the Butt-Blaster----couple of LifeCycles----Hi, Chad. Chad is working with a medicine ball and a heavy young woman. CHAD Hi Linda. Did you call that guy? LINDA Not yet! Chad is one of our trainers. I've just started internet dating and I got my first look at the, uh... CUSTOMER What service? LINDA BeWithMeDC dot com? CUSTOMER Nice. LINDA Have you used them? 25. CUSTOMER No----two friends did and they're both hooked up. With really special guys. LINDA That's fantastic. 32 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - LATER 32 Linda is leaning forward at her desk, phone wedged between ear and shoulder, one hand up at her forehead. After a long still beat: LINDA Yes! Another still beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... English! Beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Agent! Beat. LINDA DRIVING ... Agent! Agent! Beat. LINDA ... Yes, hi, this is Linda Litzke, should I give you my account number? You have it up? Okay. I was informed that I needed pre-approval for these surgeries, and then... Yes, it was denied. Listening, then: LINDA (CONT'D) ...No, those are four different operations... It's very complicated; I'm reinventing myself, it's a whole new look so it isn't just one thing, however, it's all approved by my doctor... But----madam! This is not----my job involves, you know, public interface! This is not... 26. Her jaw sets. She controls her fury. Quieter: LINDA (CONT'D) ... Yes I do understand. Could I speak to your supervisor please? 33 INT. TED'S OFFICE/LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY - MINUTES LATER 33 We are on a long lens point-of-view, from several cubicles over, of Linda, now slumped at her desk, head in her arms. We faintly hear her sobbing. Reverse shows Ted Treffon, middle-aged, balding, the soulful manager of Hardbodies. He looks at Linda, puzzled and a little alarmed. He tenses as if to rise but doesn't, and hovers uncomfortably, unsure of whether to intrude. 34 EXT. WASHINGTON MALL - DAY 34 Linda walks down the promenade dressed in a smart pant suit. Her moving POV passes over a couple in conversation, an old woman feeding the birds, a man in a business suit reading a newspaper. She passes the man and turns around. He has looked up from the paper and is staring at her. He wears aviator-shaped glasses with clear plastic rims. He may have hair plugs. LINDA Alan? MAN (ALAN) Are you, uh... Linda? 35 EXT. CIRCLE THEATRE - DUSK 35 A poster advertises Totally Stoked! with Dermot Mulroney and Claire Danes. 36 INT. THEATRE - NIGHT 36 On the screen, Dermot Mulroney, dressed in a tuxedo, cranes his head to look steeply up and off. Linda sits next to Alan in the half-empty theatre, nervously watching the screen. 27. DERMOT (OFF) First you tell me that you can't commit, then you----WOULD YOU GET DOWN FROM THERE! Linda laughs raucously, then catches herself and looks at Alan. 37 INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT 37 The couple sit across from each other at a small table. They pick at their food. 38 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - NIGHT 38 The couple are making love in the dark room on a frilly comforter. Alan, still wearing his glasses, wheezes asthmatically. 39 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - LATER 39 Alan is snoring. After a long beat Linda gets up and puts on a robe. She bends down near the bed and picks something up out of Alan's trousers. 40 INT. LINDA'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 40 She sits into a chair near the window in the dark room and opens Alan's wallet. A Discover card, driver's license, a condom. A photograph of Alan holding a large bluefish. She unfolds a piece of notepaper. Written in a feminine hand in pencil: Please pick up: Plunge Honey Nut Cheerios. LINDA Oh for Pete's sake! She catches herself, looks around. The snoring, off, continues. She looks out the window. The lights of the freeway twinkle. 28. 41 INT. YACHT - NIGHT 41 We are in the bedroom. The boat rides gently at anchor. Harry has an arm around Katie, in bed. Both stare at a point in space. After a beat that is silent except for the faint sloshing of water against hull: HARRY ... and then, you know, you grow up. I guess that's what's happened with me. You just... people change. We married when I was, what, in my mid- twenties. A kid. We were kids. Twenties. You think it's forever. Then, you know, you're older----you begin to feel your mortality, you start to think, well, there's no more

things

How many times the word 'things' appears in the text?

Burn After Reading Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS BURN AFTER READING Written by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen FADE IN 1 EXT. EASTERN SEABOARD - AERIALS - DAY 1 High in the air----so high we an see the curvature of the earth. The eastern seaboard stretches away, flecked with clouds. As we dissolve in closer the picture bleaches of color. We are looking down at the city of Washington, D.C. Dissolve closer still: a black-and-white aerial photograph of a neighborhood in suburban D.C. dominated by a sprawling building. Computer type quickly bleeps on: C.I.A. Headquarters Langley, Virginia 2 INT. CIA - HALLWAY - DAY 2 We track at floor level, following the well shined shoes of someone walking down the well polished hallway. 3 INT. PALMER'S OFFICE - DAY 3 We hear a door opening and a silver-haired man rises behind his desk. A nameplate on the desk identifies him as Palmer DeBakey Smith. PALMER Ozzie. Sit down. Osbourne Cox, entering, is a middle-aged man in a striped shirt and bow tie. OSBOURNE Palmer. What's up. PALMER You know Peck, and Olson. The two men, sitting on chairs facing the desk, nod at Osbourne, who is surprised to see them. OSBOURNE Peck, yes, hiya. Olson, by reputation. Hi, Osbourne Cox. OLSON Yeah, hiyah. 2. OSBOURNE Aren't you with...aren't you, uh... Palmer jumps in: PALMER Yeah, that's right. Oz, look. There's no easy way to say this. We're taking you off the Balkans desk. OSBOURNE You're----what? Why? PALMER In fact we're moving you out of Sigint entirely. OSBOURNE ...What? No discussion, just----you're out? PALMER Well, we're having the discussion now Oz. This doesn't have to be unpleasant. OSBOURNE Palmer, with all due respect----what the fuck are you talking about? A beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... And why is Olson here? Another uncomfortable beat. PALMER ... Look, Ozzie---- OSBOURNE What the fuck is this?! Is it my----I know it's not my work. PALMER Ozzie---- OSBOURNE I'm a great fucking analyst! Is it---- PALMER Oz, things are not going well. As you know. 3. PECK You have a drinking problem. Stunned silence. Ozzie turns to look at Peck. At length: OSBOURNE I have a drinking problem. PALMER This doesn't have to be unpleasant. We found you something in State. It's a, uh... He gropes, uncomfortable. PALMER (CONT'D) ... It's a lower clearance level. Yes. But we're not, this isn't, we're not terminating you. OSBOURNE (quietly) This is an assault. PECK Come on, Ozzie. OSBOURNE This is an assault. I have a drinking problem? Fuck you, Peck, you're a Mormon! PECK Ozzie---- OSBOURNE Next to you we all have a drinking problem! Fuck you guys! Whose ass didn't I kiss? Let's be honest! Palmer nods at Olson. PALMER Okay, Olson---- OSBOURNE Let's be fucking honest... Osbourne gets to his feet, agitated. 4. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... This is a crucifixion! This is political! Don't tell me it's not! He storms out the door. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I have a drinking problem! The door slams. Palmer Smith looks at Olson. Olson arches an eyebrow. 4 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 4 OSBOURNE Bow tie loosened, he stands at a kitchen counter. His shoulders twist as he does something below frame: we hear the crackle of ice cubes wrenching loose from a tray. Behind him we see the apartment door opening. Katie, an attractive middle-aged woman, enters, taking her key out of the door, but stops, surprised to see Osbourne. KATIE You're home. Osbourne continues making himself a drink. OSBOURNE Hang on to your hat, honey. I have some news. I---- KATIE Did you pick up the cheeses? OSBOURNE Huh? KATIE Were they ready? I didn't know you were coming home this early. OSBOURNE (blank) The cheeses. Katie rolls her eyes. 5. KATIE I left a message for you to stop at Todaro's. The Magruders and the Pfarrers are coming over. OSBOURNE The Pfarrers? Ugh. I----what did Kathleen say? KATIE What? OSBOURNE When you left the message? KATIE She said. She would give you. The message. OSBOURNE Well she, I don't know, I guess we had bigger news today. My day didn't revolve arou---- KATIE So you didn't get the cheeses. OSBOURNE Well, since I didn't get the message, no, I didn't get the cheeses. But hang on to your hat, I---- KATIE Oh for fuck's sake, Ozzie, you mean I have to go out again? All right, well, you better get dressed. OSBOURNE Honey, we have to talk. KATIE Not right now. They'll be here in, what, less than an hour. 5 INT. COX LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 5 A hand hovers, hesitates. VOICE Is this a, uh, goat cheese? OSBOURNE (OFF) Chevre, yes, that is a goat cheese. Pink Revision 8/14/07 6. Wider shows the cocktail party, meagerly attended but in full swing. Besides Osbourne and Katie there is Harry Pfarrer (who has just inquired about the cheese), bearded, forties, rugged; his wife Sandy; and a shiny-faced young couple, Doug and Tina Magruder. Osbourne holds a cocktail tumbler. HARRY Because I have lactose reflux. But I can---- OSBOURNE You're lactose intolerant? HARRY Yes, but I can---- OSBOURNE Or you have acid reflux? They're two different things. Harry looks at him coldly. HARRY I know what they are. OSBOURNE Then you misspoke yourself. So I---- HARRY Thank you for correcting me. KATIE You should try the chevre, Harry. It's very good. HARRY Yeah. I can eat goat cheese. He eats a piece, cupping one hand under his mouth. HARRY (CONT'D) ... I was just explaining to your husband here, I have a condition---- Katie tries to separate the two men by including Doug Magruder. KATIE Harry works with the Marshalls' * Service. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 6A. DOUG MAGRUDER Ah. I'm on the legislative side, I * work with Senator Hobby. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 7. HARRY * Used to work for Treasury, but I * didn't go over to Homeland Security. * I'm with the Marshalls. * OSBOURNE If you want he'll show you his great big gun. HARRY Very amusing. The gun is actually no big deal. Twenty years in the marshall's service and I've never discharged my weapon. OSBOURNE Sounds like something you should be telling your psychiatrist. HARRY What? I don't have a psychiatrist. DOUG MAGRUDER Boy, I guess my job is pretty undramatic. I'm on the legislative side. What do you do Mrs. Pfarrer? Do you also carry a gun? Harry laughs. HARRY Sandy writes children's books. SANDY I write children's books---- HARRY Oliver The Cat Who...Who..arghh----Who---- Choking on piece of cheese, coughing HARRY (CONT'D) ...Who Lives In The Rotunda. Excuse me. TINA Those are wonderful! My nieces and nephews---- 8. HARRY Yeah, it's a beloved series. You wouldn't believe her fan mail. Unghh. Are you sure this is goat cheese? KATIE Why don't you let your wife tell them about her own books, Harry? HARRY I'm sorry----was I---- KATIE Here, come in the kitchen, help me with the crudit s. 6 INT. COX KITCHEN - NIGHT 6 They enter. HARRY Goddamnit. He knows, doesn't he. He looks down at the floor. He stamps. HARRY (CONT'D) ... Nice floors. KATIE Knows what? Harry is looking around the kitchen, taking in the fixtures. Absently: HARRY About us, he knows about us. Little prick. KATIE Don't be an ass, he doesn't know a thing. Harry is staring down at the linoleum again. HARRY What is that, forbo? A6 EXT. STREET - NIGHT A6 A car drives by. 9. 7 INT. HARRY'S CAR - NIGHT 7 Harry driving, his wife next to him. A long beat. Finally: HARRY What a horse's ass. SANDY I don't know why we see them. Harry shrugs. HARRY Well, she's all right. SANDY She is a cold, stuck-up bitch. Harry opens his mouth to reply, considers, doesn't. They drive. 8 INT. COX MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT 8 KATIE She is staring, in front of a mirror, face covered in cold cream, one hand arrested on the way up to daub on more. KATIE You quit?! Osbourne is buttoning a pajama top. OSBOURNE Uh-huh. KATIE Well----Thank you for letting me know! OSBOURNE I tried to tell you this afternoon. KATIE You tried? You tried? And then---- what, the aphasia kicked in? OSBOURNE Our guests came. We---- 10. KATIE Why?! For fuck's sake, Ozzie! OSBOURNE I'm just----I don't know. I got so tired. KATIE You're tired. OSBOURNE Tired of swimming against the current. KATIE Uh-huh. OSBOURNE Independent thought is not only not valued there, they resist it, they fight it, the bureaucracy is positively---- KATIE Did you get a pension, or severance or something, or---- OSBOURNE I didn't retire you know, I, I quit. I don't want their benefits. KATIE But I suppose my benefits are all right, I suppose you can live with those, is that the idea? OSBOURNE It's not like that's the only way to make money. KATIE Yes? Yes? What're you gonna do? OSBOURNE I'll do some consulting. KATIE Consulting. OSBOURNE Yes, to help while I----I've always wanted to write. KATIE Write. Write what. 11. OSBOURNE I've been thinking about it. A book, a sort of, sort of memoir. Katie stares at him in the mirror. A beat. She bursts into laughter. 9 EXT. YACHT/AT SEA - DAY 9 THE BRIDGE A small yacht. Osbourne stands at the wheel, a light wind in his face, as the boat sails under motor power. After a beat he moves to the front of the boat. An old man sits on a bench on the prow facing out into the wind. He has snowy hair and a stern Yankee face. He wears a tweed cap. He doesn't much react to Osbourne's approach. OSBOURNE You okay there, Dad? The old man remains silent, staring. Osbourne sits next to him and idly tucks in the plaid blanket resting over the man's knees. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Dad, I left my job at the Agency... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I, uh... I'm sorry. Dad, government service is not what it was when you were in State. Things are different now. I don't know, maybe it's... it's... the Cold War ending; now it seems like it's all bureaucracy and no mission... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I'm writing a memoir. I think it's going to be pretty explosive. But I don't think you'll disapprove. I don't think you'll disapprove. Katie has had trouble accepting it. (MORE) 12. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) But... sometimes there's a higher patriotism, Dad. So we'll... Yes, change is hard. It's hard on Katie. But we'll be okay. We'll be okay. Life is change. This is good. We were all blocked up, Katie and me. This is, this is a blessing in disguise. I'll go into training, you know. Lay off the sauce. Like you did. You managed to do it. Finally. And then I can concentrate on, you know. New beginning. And this'll all have been for the best. Don't you think Dad? The old man stares out into the wind. Osbourne sniffles. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Cold. He taps the old man on the knee and rises. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I guess we should head back. 10 EXT. PIER - DAY 10 LONG SHOT THRU THE WINDSHIELD OF A CAR The sailboat docked at the end of a marina. Osbourne is pushing the old man in a wheel chair down the pier away from the boat. A MAN'S VOICE We've seen this... 11 INT. LAW FIRM - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY 11 THE MAN White hair, bushy eyebrows, a florid face. He is in a law- book lined conference room. He wears an expensive suit, suspenders, a white shirt with blue collar and cuffs. He is Bogus Terikhian. TERIKHIAN ... I know this kind of man. We've seen this. 13. Wider on the conference room shows that Katie Cox sits at the table, along with Terikhian, another lawyer, and an assistant. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Mrs. Cox, you can't let this man take advantage of you. And he will. He will. KATIE Yes. This is my fear. He's trying---- he says----he's trying to pull himself together, but... TERIKHIAN Look, sure, I----I'm obliged to tell you you should try to salvage things. And you should. People turn themselves around. Not unheard-of. But. You---- you haven't broached the possibility of divorce yet? KATIE No. TERIKHIAN Well that's good. Because first you should get all his financials. Before he's forewarned. Because here's a man, here's a man, practiced in deceit, this is almost, you could say it's his job, practiced at hiding things, and there is no reason, it is not improper, there is no reason for you not to get a picture of the household finances. Paper files, computer files, whatever----this is your prerogative. You can be a spy too, madam. Do this before you put him on alert. Before the turtle can draw in his head and his, uh... He waggles his hands, groping for the word. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Feet. He shrugs. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... And hopefully everything will work out. He will reform. But! If not: forewarned is forearmed. 14. 12 INT. COX HOUSE - DAY 12 Osbourne is splayed on an easy chair, wearing a bathrobe over pyjamas. He stares at the ceiling, motionless, arms out- flung, like Marat in his bathtub. A long still beat. A clock ticks. Abruptly Osbourne raises one hand to speak into a microcassette recorder. OSBOURNE We were young and committed and there was nothing we couldn't do. We thought of the Agency less as... less as... The thought, such as it was, peters out. Osbourne rises and wanders around the room, glassy-eyed. He suddenly raises the microcassette again. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... The principles of George Kennan----a personal hero of mine----were what animated us. In fact they were what had originally inspired me to enter government service. Like the State Department's China Hands of yore, or, in a different forum, in a different venue, in a different medium, in, um... "Murrow's Boys," the fabled----in a different---- He suddenly stops, head cocked, listening. Faintly, a ringing phone. 13 INT. COX BASEMENT STAIRWAY - DAY 13 At the cut Osbourne is thundering down a steep carpeted stairway. He inclines his head to clear the ceiling that juts over the bottom half of the stairwell. The phone is louder here. 14 INT. COX BASEMENT - DAY 14 A semi-finished basement with cheap paneling and a low dropped ceiling of water-stained Johnson-Armstrong tile. The ringing phone is on a cheap government-surplus desk. The answering machine, with Osbourne's voice, picks up: 15. MACHINE You have reached The Cox Group... Osbourne, robe flapping, shuffles hurriedly in his slippered feet toward the phone. MACHINE (CONT'D) ... We can't answer your call right now. Please leave a---- OSBOURNE (heavy breathing) Hello. He eases into the chair, having swiped up the phone. A listening beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Yes?... Oh, no... No, call her number... No, upstairs...No she's not, but leave it on her machine. 15 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY - LATER 15 We are looking over Osbourne's shoulder----he is still in his robe----as he sits hunched on an ottoman, looking at a daytime game show. A few beats of the show. Roaring laughter from the studio audience. Mild chuckle from Osbourne in the foreground. 16 INT LIVING ROOM - DAY - STILL LATER 16 Ticking clock. Osbourne paces with the microcassette recorder. He raises it with a thought, draws a breath, and then stops, and looks off. The ticking grandfather clock: ornate hands on an ornate clock face Two or three minutes to five. Osbourne stares for a long beat. 17 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 17 OSBOURNE Shoulders twisting as we hear ice clattering out of a tray. He pours coke sizzling onto the ice. 16. He pauses for a long beat. He takes a bottle of rum out of a cabinet. He pours some into a hatch-marked shot glass. He looks at it. The amber liquid tops the hatch mark. He conscientiously pours the overage back, murmuring: OSBOURNE Single... He dumps the shot into the Coke. 18 EXT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 18 As before, the boat, docked at the end of the marina pier, is seen in long shot through the windshield of a car. Closer on the boat. As water laps against pilings and the boat gently bobs and creaks, we hear, muffled, the sounds of a couple having sex. When it builds to climax we cut: 19 INT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 19 Minutes later. We hold on a door for a quiet beat, then we hear the gurgle of water, and then the door opens. Harry Pfarrer emerges from the small bathroom, buckling his belt. In the bedroom which he emerges into Katie Cox is just finishing dressing. Harry looks at his watch. HARRY I should try to get a run in. 20 INT. COX HOUSE - DUSK 20 Katie is letting herself in. KATIE Ozzie! Quiet. 21 INT. KITCHEN - DUSK 21 Katie enters and sees a note on the counter paperweighted by a plate of used lime wedges: 17. Honey, At Fenninger's. Reunion committee dinner. See you later. 22 EXT. POTOMAC BRIDGE - DUSK 22 Long-lens, hand-held, point-of-view seeming: Harry Pfarrer is jogging in his Treasury sweats. Closer on him. Brow furrows. He spins, jogs backwards, looking. His point-of-view: nothing unusual; traffic on the bridge, no pedestrians particularly close. Harry, mildly puzzled, slows and stops. He turns again. Point-of-view up the bridge: empty. Harry starts jogging again. 23 INT. COX BASEMENT - NIGHT 23 We are tracking toward the desk in the corner, at which Katie sits. She cracks open a CD case and loads the CD into Osbourne's computer. A suspense drone builds as we track in. Katie starts typing, then suddenly stops. She holds still, listening for noises in the house. Nothing. She resumes typing. We hear male voices beginning to swell in song. The voices continue after the suspense drone snaps off, at the cut to: 24 INT. FENNINGER'S - NIGHT 24 A musty steakhouse. On the walls are hunting-scene prints and steel engravings of English country houses. A placard resting on a chair outside the Georgian Room: CLOSED FOR PRIVATE PARTY. From inside the room, male voices: VOICES Tune every heart and every voice... 18. 25 INT. FENNINGER'S - GEORGIAN ROOM - NIGHT 25 A dozen middle-aged men around a long table, each holding high a glass. MEN ... Bid every care withdraw. Let all with one accord rejoice... The men are sweaty, tie-loosened, dinner-stuffed and boozy. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau... Close on Osbourne as a rotund middle-aged classmate fills his glass to brimming. The two sway unsteadily with the music.. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau my boys, Hoo-rah, hoo-rah, hoorah! All swing their glasses side-to-side in rhythm: MEN (CONT'D) ... Her sons... shall give... while they... shall live... Glasses are thrust high with a ringing finish: MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau! 26 INT. EXAM ROOM - DAY 26 A WOMAN'S ASS Bare. Pale. Middle-aged. Someone with a marker is drawing on the flesh to illustrate: DOCTOR (OFF) We take all the chicken fat off your buttocks, here... and here... And the upper arms. And a little off your tummy... The camera is arcing around a standing, naked, middle-aged woman, to reveal the doctor sitting on a stool in the examining room, facing her. He reaches forward again with the marker. 19. DOCTOR (OFF) (CONT'D) ...And we do breast augmentation with a tiny incision here... and here. PATIENT (OFF) Uh-huh. And what about the thigh area? DOCTOR Well we can do liposuction there as well, but that area will respond to exercise. Buttocks and upper arms begin to store more fat when you get up around forty, the body just tells it to go there, but the thighs will respond to toning exercises. PATIENT Uh-huh. I know, I can work out on my arms til the cows come home, but... DOCTOR Uh-huh. And of course there are also genetic factors. PATIENT The Litzkes are big. DOCTOR Uh-huh, well everything's---- PATIENT My mom had an ass that could pull a bus. DOCTOR Wow. Well that's a predispo---- PATIENT Father's side too, although Dad tends to carry his weight in front of him. DOCTOR Uh-huh. PATIENT In the gut area. Derriere, not so much. DOCTOR Okay. The continuing track around is also booming up to reveal the face of the patient, Linda Litzke. 20. LINDA And what about the face, you know, the window to the soul. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Very well put. Well your eyes are one of your best features. But we can do something about the incipient crow's feet. LINDA Baby crow's feet. Little chickling's feet. I mean chicks. Chickie chickie chickie. DOCTOR Ha-ha, yes, again, well put. You have a way with words. We cut here... He marks. DOCTOR (CONT'D) ... And we pull the skin tight, like stretching the skin over a drum. Not too tight, though. We don't want that "worked-on" look. You need sufficient slack for the face to remain expressive. LINDA Yeah, I don't wanna look like Boris Karloff. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Heh-heh, so you don't want a sex change! LINDA No, I'm all woman! 27 INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY 27 Doctor and patient, now dressed, sit on either side of a desk. DOCTOR So Linda, what we're talking about here is four different procedures. (ticks them off) The liposuction... The rhinoplasty... The facial tuck, which I would strongly recommend over the chemical peel---- 21. LINDA Yeah, I don't want to get anything burned off. DOCTOR And why should you. With that lovely skin. And lastly, the breast augmentation. Now we can also do something about the vaccine scar----I don't know if you wear sleeveless dresses much---- LINDA Not with these ham hocks! DOCTOR Yes, well once they're nice and svelte, post-op, you---- LINDA Well I don't know. Is the vaccine thing----can you counsel me on this? I don't know, is it unsightly? I see it a lot, a bunch of people have it. DOCTOR Absolutely! Some women don't mind it at all! Personal taste! 28 INT. HARDBODIES - DAY 28 Linda Litzke, in a Hardbodies polo shirt with "Linda" stitched on the breast, leans out of her semi-enclosed office on the gym floor. LINDA Chad! 29 INT. HARDBODIES - GYM FLOOR - DAY 29 Chad Feldheimer, trainer, fortyish and well-muscled, has a gym patron up on a table and is helping him stretch a leg back. PATRON Ow! CHAD I'm sorry, was that too much? 22. PATRON I felt a straining... a tightness in the... in the front of my ass... CHAD Well you're pretty tight. You have to feel it or---- LINDA (on the public address) Chad Feldheimer. Office. CHAD I'll be back in a minute. We'll work on opening those hips. 30 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY 30 Linda is tapping at her computer as Chad enters. LINDA I got a batch from BeWithMeDC dot com. Chad perches on the desk, chewing gum as he gazes at the screen. CHAD Oh wow. Any good? LINDA I don't know yet, just looking... How do you open this? CHAD Click on, uh... yeah... LINDA Oh my god! CHAD What? LINDA Oh my God, what a loser! She clicks. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser! She clicks. Chad is laughing. Linda scowls. 23. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser!... What is this! They should call this Mr. Saggy dot com. CHAD Cripes. LINDA Loser! CHAD Did you have to send a picture? LINDA No, only guys do. I submitted a verbal profile, turn-ons, turn-offs, et cetera. I'm really looking for someone with a sense of humor. CHAD That guy----wait----that guy wasn't bad. LINDA Him? CHAD No, before. LINDA Him? CHAD Yeah. He uh, he might not be a loser. LINDA How can you tell? CHAD That's a Brioni suit. LINDA Oh yeah? CHAD Shit yeah. LINDA (dubious) Does he look like he has a sense of humor? CHAD He looks like his optometrist has a sense of humor. 24. Linda slaps his arm. CHAD (CONT'D) ... Huh-huh-huh. What does he do? LINDA State Department. CHAD That's cool. LINDA His hair is... what is that? CHAD Plugs. 31 INT. GYM - NEXT DAY 31 Linda is showing someone around the floor. LINDA This is the cardio area. A lot of machines here so that, believe me, there's never a wait. What you're seeing now, this is our busiest time, and there's still a couple of open treadmills I see, three Stairmasters---- I call it the Butt-Blaster----couple of LifeCycles----Hi, Chad. Chad is working with a medicine ball and a heavy young woman. CHAD Hi Linda. Did you call that guy? LINDA Not yet! Chad is one of our trainers. I've just started internet dating and I got my first look at the, uh... CUSTOMER What service? LINDA BeWithMeDC dot com? CUSTOMER Nice. LINDA Have you used them? 25. CUSTOMER No----two friends did and they're both hooked up. With really special guys. LINDA That's fantastic. 32 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - LATER 32 Linda is leaning forward at her desk, phone wedged between ear and shoulder, one hand up at her forehead. After a long still beat: LINDA Yes! Another still beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... English! Beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Agent! Beat. LINDA DRIVING ... Agent! Agent! Beat. LINDA ... Yes, hi, this is Linda Litzke, should I give you my account number? You have it up? Okay. I was informed that I needed pre-approval for these surgeries, and then... Yes, it was denied. Listening, then: LINDA (CONT'D) ...No, those are four different operations... It's very complicated; I'm reinventing myself, it's a whole new look so it isn't just one thing, however, it's all approved by my doctor... But----madam! This is not----my job involves, you know, public interface! This is not... 26. Her jaw sets. She controls her fury. Quieter: LINDA (CONT'D) ... Yes I do understand. Could I speak to your supervisor please? 33 INT. TED'S OFFICE/LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY - MINUTES LATER 33 We are on a long lens point-of-view, from several cubicles over, of Linda, now slumped at her desk, head in her arms. We faintly hear her sobbing. Reverse shows Ted Treffon, middle-aged, balding, the soulful manager of Hardbodies. He looks at Linda, puzzled and a little alarmed. He tenses as if to rise but doesn't, and hovers uncomfortably, unsure of whether to intrude. 34 EXT. WASHINGTON MALL - DAY 34 Linda walks down the promenade dressed in a smart pant suit. Her moving POV passes over a couple in conversation, an old woman feeding the birds, a man in a business suit reading a newspaper. She passes the man and turns around. He has looked up from the paper and is staring at her. He wears aviator-shaped glasses with clear plastic rims. He may have hair plugs. LINDA Alan? MAN (ALAN) Are you, uh... Linda? 35 EXT. CIRCLE THEATRE - DUSK 35 A poster advertises Totally Stoked! with Dermot Mulroney and Claire Danes. 36 INT. THEATRE - NIGHT 36 On the screen, Dermot Mulroney, dressed in a tuxedo, cranes his head to look steeply up and off. Linda sits next to Alan in the half-empty theatre, nervously watching the screen. 27. DERMOT (OFF) First you tell me that you can't commit, then you----WOULD YOU GET DOWN FROM THERE! Linda laughs raucously, then catches herself and looks at Alan. 37 INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT 37 The couple sit across from each other at a small table. They pick at their food. 38 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - NIGHT 38 The couple are making love in the dark room on a frilly comforter. Alan, still wearing his glasses, wheezes asthmatically. 39 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - LATER 39 Alan is snoring. After a long beat Linda gets up and puts on a robe. She bends down near the bed and picks something up out of Alan's trousers. 40 INT. LINDA'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 40 She sits into a chair near the window in the dark room and opens Alan's wallet. A Discover card, driver's license, a condom. A photograph of Alan holding a large bluefish. She unfolds a piece of notepaper. Written in a feminine hand in pencil: Please pick up: Plunge Honey Nut Cheerios. LINDA Oh for Pete's sake! She catches herself, looks around. The snoring, off, continues. She looks out the window. The lights of the freeway twinkle. 28. 41 INT. YACHT - NIGHT 41 We are in the bedroom. The boat rides gently at anchor. Harry has an arm around Katie, in bed. Both stare at a point in space. After a beat that is silent except for the faint sloshing of water against hull: HARRY ... and then, you know, you grow up. I guess that's what's happened with me. You just... people change. We married when I was, what, in my mid- twenties. A kid. We were kids. Twenties. You think it's forever. Then, you know, you're older----you begin to feel your mortality, you start to think, well, there's no more

noir

How many times the word 'noir' appears in the text?

Burn After Reading Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS BURN AFTER READING Written by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen FADE IN 1 EXT. EASTERN SEABOARD - AERIALS - DAY 1 High in the air----so high we an see the curvature of the earth. The eastern seaboard stretches away, flecked with clouds. As we dissolve in closer the picture bleaches of color. We are looking down at the city of Washington, D.C. Dissolve closer still: a black-and-white aerial photograph of a neighborhood in suburban D.C. dominated by a sprawling building. Computer type quickly bleeps on: C.I.A. Headquarters Langley, Virginia 2 INT. CIA - HALLWAY - DAY 2 We track at floor level, following the well shined shoes of someone walking down the well polished hallway. 3 INT. PALMER'S OFFICE - DAY 3 We hear a door opening and a silver-haired man rises behind his desk. A nameplate on the desk identifies him as Palmer DeBakey Smith. PALMER Ozzie. Sit down. Osbourne Cox, entering, is a middle-aged man in a striped shirt and bow tie. OSBOURNE Palmer. What's up. PALMER You know Peck, and Olson. The two men, sitting on chairs facing the desk, nod at Osbourne, who is surprised to see them. OSBOURNE Peck, yes, hiya. Olson, by reputation. Hi, Osbourne Cox. OLSON Yeah, hiyah. 2. OSBOURNE Aren't you with...aren't you, uh... Palmer jumps in: PALMER Yeah, that's right. Oz, look. There's no easy way to say this. We're taking you off the Balkans desk. OSBOURNE You're----what? Why? PALMER In fact we're moving you out of Sigint entirely. OSBOURNE ...What? No discussion, just----you're out? PALMER Well, we're having the discussion now Oz. This doesn't have to be unpleasant. OSBOURNE Palmer, with all due respect----what the fuck are you talking about? A beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... And why is Olson here? Another uncomfortable beat. PALMER ... Look, Ozzie---- OSBOURNE What the fuck is this?! Is it my----I know it's not my work. PALMER Ozzie---- OSBOURNE I'm a great fucking analyst! Is it---- PALMER Oz, things are not going well. As you know. 3. PECK You have a drinking problem. Stunned silence. Ozzie turns to look at Peck. At length: OSBOURNE I have a drinking problem. PALMER This doesn't have to be unpleasant. We found you something in State. It's a, uh... He gropes, uncomfortable. PALMER (CONT'D) ... It's a lower clearance level. Yes. But we're not, this isn't, we're not terminating you. OSBOURNE (quietly) This is an assault. PECK Come on, Ozzie. OSBOURNE This is an assault. I have a drinking problem? Fuck you, Peck, you're a Mormon! PECK Ozzie---- OSBOURNE Next to you we all have a drinking problem! Fuck you guys! Whose ass didn't I kiss? Let's be honest! Palmer nods at Olson. PALMER Okay, Olson---- OSBOURNE Let's be fucking honest... Osbourne gets to his feet, agitated. 4. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... This is a crucifixion! This is political! Don't tell me it's not! He storms out the door. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I have a drinking problem! The door slams. Palmer Smith looks at Olson. Olson arches an eyebrow. 4 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 4 OSBOURNE Bow tie loosened, he stands at a kitchen counter. His shoulders twist as he does something below frame: we hear the crackle of ice cubes wrenching loose from a tray. Behind him we see the apartment door opening. Katie, an attractive middle-aged woman, enters, taking her key out of the door, but stops, surprised to see Osbourne. KATIE You're home. Osbourne continues making himself a drink. OSBOURNE Hang on to your hat, honey. I have some news. I---- KATIE Did you pick up the cheeses? OSBOURNE Huh? KATIE Were they ready? I didn't know you were coming home this early. OSBOURNE (blank) The cheeses. Katie rolls her eyes. 5. KATIE I left a message for you to stop at Todaro's. The Magruders and the Pfarrers are coming over. OSBOURNE The Pfarrers? Ugh. I----what did Kathleen say? KATIE What? OSBOURNE When you left the message? KATIE She said. She would give you. The message. OSBOURNE Well she, I don't know, I guess we had bigger news today. My day didn't revolve arou---- KATIE So you didn't get the cheeses. OSBOURNE Well, since I didn't get the message, no, I didn't get the cheeses. But hang on to your hat, I---- KATIE Oh for fuck's sake, Ozzie, you mean I have to go out again? All right, well, you better get dressed. OSBOURNE Honey, we have to talk. KATIE Not right now. They'll be here in, what, less than an hour. 5 INT. COX LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 5 A hand hovers, hesitates. VOICE Is this a, uh, goat cheese? OSBOURNE (OFF) Chevre, yes, that is a goat cheese. Pink Revision 8/14/07 6. Wider shows the cocktail party, meagerly attended but in full swing. Besides Osbourne and Katie there is Harry Pfarrer (who has just inquired about the cheese), bearded, forties, rugged; his wife Sandy; and a shiny-faced young couple, Doug and Tina Magruder. Osbourne holds a cocktail tumbler. HARRY Because I have lactose reflux. But I can---- OSBOURNE You're lactose intolerant? HARRY Yes, but I can---- OSBOURNE Or you have acid reflux? They're two different things. Harry looks at him coldly. HARRY I know what they are. OSBOURNE Then you misspoke yourself. So I---- HARRY Thank you for correcting me. KATIE You should try the chevre, Harry. It's very good. HARRY Yeah. I can eat goat cheese. He eats a piece, cupping one hand under his mouth. HARRY (CONT'D) ... I was just explaining to your husband here, I have a condition---- Katie tries to separate the two men by including Doug Magruder. KATIE Harry works with the Marshalls' * Service. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 6A. DOUG MAGRUDER Ah. I'm on the legislative side, I * work with Senator Hobby. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 7. HARRY * Used to work for Treasury, but I * didn't go over to Homeland Security. * I'm with the Marshalls. * OSBOURNE If you want he'll show you his great big gun. HARRY Very amusing. The gun is actually no big deal. Twenty years in the marshall's service and I've never discharged my weapon. OSBOURNE Sounds like something you should be telling your psychiatrist. HARRY What? I don't have a psychiatrist. DOUG MAGRUDER Boy, I guess my job is pretty undramatic. I'm on the legislative side. What do you do Mrs. Pfarrer? Do you also carry a gun? Harry laughs. HARRY Sandy writes children's books. SANDY I write children's books---- HARRY Oliver The Cat Who...Who..arghh----Who---- Choking on piece of cheese, coughing HARRY (CONT'D) ...Who Lives In The Rotunda. Excuse me. TINA Those are wonderful! My nieces and nephews---- 8. HARRY Yeah, it's a beloved series. You wouldn't believe her fan mail. Unghh. Are you sure this is goat cheese? KATIE Why don't you let your wife tell them about her own books, Harry? HARRY I'm sorry----was I---- KATIE Here, come in the kitchen, help me with the crudit s. 6 INT. COX KITCHEN - NIGHT 6 They enter. HARRY Goddamnit. He knows, doesn't he. He looks down at the floor. He stamps. HARRY (CONT'D) ... Nice floors. KATIE Knows what? Harry is looking around the kitchen, taking in the fixtures. Absently: HARRY About us, he knows about us. Little prick. KATIE Don't be an ass, he doesn't know a thing. Harry is staring down at the linoleum again. HARRY What is that, forbo? A6 EXT. STREET - NIGHT A6 A car drives by. 9. 7 INT. HARRY'S CAR - NIGHT 7 Harry driving, his wife next to him. A long beat. Finally: HARRY What a horse's ass. SANDY I don't know why we see them. Harry shrugs. HARRY Well, she's all right. SANDY She is a cold, stuck-up bitch. Harry opens his mouth to reply, considers, doesn't. They drive. 8 INT. COX MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT 8 KATIE She is staring, in front of a mirror, face covered in cold cream, one hand arrested on the way up to daub on more. KATIE You quit?! Osbourne is buttoning a pajama top. OSBOURNE Uh-huh. KATIE Well----Thank you for letting me know! OSBOURNE I tried to tell you this afternoon. KATIE You tried? You tried? And then---- what, the aphasia kicked in? OSBOURNE Our guests came. We---- 10. KATIE Why?! For fuck's sake, Ozzie! OSBOURNE I'm just----I don't know. I got so tired. KATIE You're tired. OSBOURNE Tired of swimming against the current. KATIE Uh-huh. OSBOURNE Independent thought is not only not valued there, they resist it, they fight it, the bureaucracy is positively---- KATIE Did you get a pension, or severance or something, or---- OSBOURNE I didn't retire you know, I, I quit. I don't want their benefits. KATIE But I suppose my benefits are all right, I suppose you can live with those, is that the idea? OSBOURNE It's not like that's the only way to make money. KATIE Yes? Yes? What're you gonna do? OSBOURNE I'll do some consulting. KATIE Consulting. OSBOURNE Yes, to help while I----I've always wanted to write. KATIE Write. Write what. 11. OSBOURNE I've been thinking about it. A book, a sort of, sort of memoir. Katie stares at him in the mirror. A beat. She bursts into laughter. 9 EXT. YACHT/AT SEA - DAY 9 THE BRIDGE A small yacht. Osbourne stands at the wheel, a light wind in his face, as the boat sails under motor power. After a beat he moves to the front of the boat. An old man sits on a bench on the prow facing out into the wind. He has snowy hair and a stern Yankee face. He wears a tweed cap. He doesn't much react to Osbourne's approach. OSBOURNE You okay there, Dad? The old man remains silent, staring. Osbourne sits next to him and idly tucks in the plaid blanket resting over the man's knees. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Dad, I left my job at the Agency... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I, uh... I'm sorry. Dad, government service is not what it was when you were in State. Things are different now. I don't know, maybe it's... it's... the Cold War ending; now it seems like it's all bureaucracy and no mission... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I'm writing a memoir. I think it's going to be pretty explosive. But I don't think you'll disapprove. I don't think you'll disapprove. Katie has had trouble accepting it. (MORE) 12. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) But... sometimes there's a higher patriotism, Dad. So we'll... Yes, change is hard. It's hard on Katie. But we'll be okay. We'll be okay. Life is change. This is good. We were all blocked up, Katie and me. This is, this is a blessing in disguise. I'll go into training, you know. Lay off the sauce. Like you did. You managed to do it. Finally. And then I can concentrate on, you know. New beginning. And this'll all have been for the best. Don't you think Dad? The old man stares out into the wind. Osbourne sniffles. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Cold. He taps the old man on the knee and rises. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I guess we should head back. 10 EXT. PIER - DAY 10 LONG SHOT THRU THE WINDSHIELD OF A CAR The sailboat docked at the end of a marina. Osbourne is pushing the old man in a wheel chair down the pier away from the boat. A MAN'S VOICE We've seen this... 11 INT. LAW FIRM - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY 11 THE MAN White hair, bushy eyebrows, a florid face. He is in a law- book lined conference room. He wears an expensive suit, suspenders, a white shirt with blue collar and cuffs. He is Bogus Terikhian. TERIKHIAN ... I know this kind of man. We've seen this. 13. Wider on the conference room shows that Katie Cox sits at the table, along with Terikhian, another lawyer, and an assistant. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Mrs. Cox, you can't let this man take advantage of you. And he will. He will. KATIE Yes. This is my fear. He's trying---- he says----he's trying to pull himself together, but... TERIKHIAN Look, sure, I----I'm obliged to tell you you should try to salvage things. And you should. People turn themselves around. Not unheard-of. But. You---- you haven't broached the possibility of divorce yet? KATIE No. TERIKHIAN Well that's good. Because first you should get all his financials. Before he's forewarned. Because here's a man, here's a man, practiced in deceit, this is almost, you could say it's his job, practiced at hiding things, and there is no reason, it is not improper, there is no reason for you not to get a picture of the household finances. Paper files, computer files, whatever----this is your prerogative. You can be a spy too, madam. Do this before you put him on alert. Before the turtle can draw in his head and his, uh... He waggles his hands, groping for the word. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Feet. He shrugs. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... And hopefully everything will work out. He will reform. But! If not: forewarned is forearmed. 14. 12 INT. COX HOUSE - DAY 12 Osbourne is splayed on an easy chair, wearing a bathrobe over pyjamas. He stares at the ceiling, motionless, arms out- flung, like Marat in his bathtub. A long still beat. A clock ticks. Abruptly Osbourne raises one hand to speak into a microcassette recorder. OSBOURNE We were young and committed and there was nothing we couldn't do. We thought of the Agency less as... less as... The thought, such as it was, peters out. Osbourne rises and wanders around the room, glassy-eyed. He suddenly raises the microcassette again. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... The principles of George Kennan----a personal hero of mine----were what animated us. In fact they were what had originally inspired me to enter government service. Like the State Department's China Hands of yore, or, in a different forum, in a different venue, in a different medium, in, um... "Murrow's Boys," the fabled----in a different---- He suddenly stops, head cocked, listening. Faintly, a ringing phone. 13 INT. COX BASEMENT STAIRWAY - DAY 13 At the cut Osbourne is thundering down a steep carpeted stairway. He inclines his head to clear the ceiling that juts over the bottom half of the stairwell. The phone is louder here. 14 INT. COX BASEMENT - DAY 14 A semi-finished basement with cheap paneling and a low dropped ceiling of water-stained Johnson-Armstrong tile. The ringing phone is on a cheap government-surplus desk. The answering machine, with Osbourne's voice, picks up: 15. MACHINE You have reached The Cox Group... Osbourne, robe flapping, shuffles hurriedly in his slippered feet toward the phone. MACHINE (CONT'D) ... We can't answer your call right now. Please leave a---- OSBOURNE (heavy breathing) Hello. He eases into the chair, having swiped up the phone. A listening beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Yes?... Oh, no... No, call her number... No, upstairs...No she's not, but leave it on her machine. 15 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY - LATER 15 We are looking over Osbourne's shoulder----he is still in his robe----as he sits hunched on an ottoman, looking at a daytime game show. A few beats of the show. Roaring laughter from the studio audience. Mild chuckle from Osbourne in the foreground. 16 INT LIVING ROOM - DAY - STILL LATER 16 Ticking clock. Osbourne paces with the microcassette recorder. He raises it with a thought, draws a breath, and then stops, and looks off. The ticking grandfather clock: ornate hands on an ornate clock face Two or three minutes to five. Osbourne stares for a long beat. 17 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 17 OSBOURNE Shoulders twisting as we hear ice clattering out of a tray. He pours coke sizzling onto the ice. 16. He pauses for a long beat. He takes a bottle of rum out of a cabinet. He pours some into a hatch-marked shot glass. He looks at it. The amber liquid tops the hatch mark. He conscientiously pours the overage back, murmuring: OSBOURNE Single... He dumps the shot into the Coke. 18 EXT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 18 As before, the boat, docked at the end of the marina pier, is seen in long shot through the windshield of a car. Closer on the boat. As water laps against pilings and the boat gently bobs and creaks, we hear, muffled, the sounds of a couple having sex. When it builds to climax we cut: 19 INT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 19 Minutes later. We hold on a door for a quiet beat, then we hear the gurgle of water, and then the door opens. Harry Pfarrer emerges from the small bathroom, buckling his belt. In the bedroom which he emerges into Katie Cox is just finishing dressing. Harry looks at his watch. HARRY I should try to get a run in. 20 INT. COX HOUSE - DUSK 20 Katie is letting herself in. KATIE Ozzie! Quiet. 21 INT. KITCHEN - DUSK 21 Katie enters and sees a note on the counter paperweighted by a plate of used lime wedges: 17. Honey, At Fenninger's. Reunion committee dinner. See you later. 22 EXT. POTOMAC BRIDGE - DUSK 22 Long-lens, hand-held, point-of-view seeming: Harry Pfarrer is jogging in his Treasury sweats. Closer on him. Brow furrows. He spins, jogs backwards, looking. His point-of-view: nothing unusual; traffic on the bridge, no pedestrians particularly close. Harry, mildly puzzled, slows and stops. He turns again. Point-of-view up the bridge: empty. Harry starts jogging again. 23 INT. COX BASEMENT - NIGHT 23 We are tracking toward the desk in the corner, at which Katie sits. She cracks open a CD case and loads the CD into Osbourne's computer. A suspense drone builds as we track in. Katie starts typing, then suddenly stops. She holds still, listening for noises in the house. Nothing. She resumes typing. We hear male voices beginning to swell in song. The voices continue after the suspense drone snaps off, at the cut to: 24 INT. FENNINGER'S - NIGHT 24 A musty steakhouse. On the walls are hunting-scene prints and steel engravings of English country houses. A placard resting on a chair outside the Georgian Room: CLOSED FOR PRIVATE PARTY. From inside the room, male voices: VOICES Tune every heart and every voice... 18. 25 INT. FENNINGER'S - GEORGIAN ROOM - NIGHT 25 A dozen middle-aged men around a long table, each holding high a glass. MEN ... Bid every care withdraw. Let all with one accord rejoice... The men are sweaty, tie-loosened, dinner-stuffed and boozy. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau... Close on Osbourne as a rotund middle-aged classmate fills his glass to brimming. The two sway unsteadily with the music.. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau my boys, Hoo-rah, hoo-rah, hoorah! All swing their glasses side-to-side in rhythm: MEN (CONT'D) ... Her sons... shall give... while they... shall live... Glasses are thrust high with a ringing finish: MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau! 26 INT. EXAM ROOM - DAY 26 A WOMAN'S ASS Bare. Pale. Middle-aged. Someone with a marker is drawing on the flesh to illustrate: DOCTOR (OFF) We take all the chicken fat off your buttocks, here... and here... And the upper arms. And a little off your tummy... The camera is arcing around a standing, naked, middle-aged woman, to reveal the doctor sitting on a stool in the examining room, facing her. He reaches forward again with the marker. 19. DOCTOR (OFF) (CONT'D) ...And we do breast augmentation with a tiny incision here... and here. PATIENT (OFF) Uh-huh. And what about the thigh area? DOCTOR Well we can do liposuction there as well, but that area will respond to exercise. Buttocks and upper arms begin to store more fat when you get up around forty, the body just tells it to go there, but the thighs will respond to toning exercises. PATIENT Uh-huh. I know, I can work out on my arms til the cows come home, but... DOCTOR Uh-huh. And of course there are also genetic factors. PATIENT The Litzkes are big. DOCTOR Uh-huh, well everything's---- PATIENT My mom had an ass that could pull a bus. DOCTOR Wow. Well that's a predispo---- PATIENT Father's side too, although Dad tends to carry his weight in front of him. DOCTOR Uh-huh. PATIENT In the gut area. Derriere, not so much. DOCTOR Okay. The continuing track around is also booming up to reveal the face of the patient, Linda Litzke. 20. LINDA And what about the face, you know, the window to the soul. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Very well put. Well your eyes are one of your best features. But we can do something about the incipient crow's feet. LINDA Baby crow's feet. Little chickling's feet. I mean chicks. Chickie chickie chickie. DOCTOR Ha-ha, yes, again, well put. You have a way with words. We cut here... He marks. DOCTOR (CONT'D) ... And we pull the skin tight, like stretching the skin over a drum. Not too tight, though. We don't want that "worked-on" look. You need sufficient slack for the face to remain expressive. LINDA Yeah, I don't wanna look like Boris Karloff. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Heh-heh, so you don't want a sex change! LINDA No, I'm all woman! 27 INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY 27 Doctor and patient, now dressed, sit on either side of a desk. DOCTOR So Linda, what we're talking about here is four different procedures. (ticks them off) The liposuction... The rhinoplasty... The facial tuck, which I would strongly recommend over the chemical peel---- 21. LINDA Yeah, I don't want to get anything burned off. DOCTOR And why should you. With that lovely skin. And lastly, the breast augmentation. Now we can also do something about the vaccine scar----I don't know if you wear sleeveless dresses much---- LINDA Not with these ham hocks! DOCTOR Yes, well once they're nice and svelte, post-op, you---- LINDA Well I don't know. Is the vaccine thing----can you counsel me on this? I don't know, is it unsightly? I see it a lot, a bunch of people have it. DOCTOR Absolutely! Some women don't mind it at all! Personal taste! 28 INT. HARDBODIES - DAY 28 Linda Litzke, in a Hardbodies polo shirt with "Linda" stitched on the breast, leans out of her semi-enclosed office on the gym floor. LINDA Chad! 29 INT. HARDBODIES - GYM FLOOR - DAY 29 Chad Feldheimer, trainer, fortyish and well-muscled, has a gym patron up on a table and is helping him stretch a leg back. PATRON Ow! CHAD I'm sorry, was that too much? 22. PATRON I felt a straining... a tightness in the... in the front of my ass... CHAD Well you're pretty tight. You have to feel it or---- LINDA (on the public address) Chad Feldheimer. Office. CHAD I'll be back in a minute. We'll work on opening those hips. 30 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY 30 Linda is tapping at her computer as Chad enters. LINDA I got a batch from BeWithMeDC dot com. Chad perches on the desk, chewing gum as he gazes at the screen. CHAD Oh wow. Any good? LINDA I don't know yet, just looking... How do you open this? CHAD Click on, uh... yeah... LINDA Oh my god! CHAD What? LINDA Oh my God, what a loser! She clicks. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser! She clicks. Chad is laughing. Linda scowls. 23. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser!... What is this! They should call this Mr. Saggy dot com. CHAD Cripes. LINDA Loser! CHAD Did you have to send a picture? LINDA No, only guys do. I submitted a verbal profile, turn-ons, turn-offs, et cetera. I'm really looking for someone with a sense of humor. CHAD That guy----wait----that guy wasn't bad. LINDA Him? CHAD No, before. LINDA Him? CHAD Yeah. He uh, he might not be a loser. LINDA How can you tell? CHAD That's a Brioni suit. LINDA Oh yeah? CHAD Shit yeah. LINDA (dubious) Does he look like he has a sense of humor? CHAD He looks like his optometrist has a sense of humor. 24. Linda slaps his arm. CHAD (CONT'D) ... Huh-huh-huh. What does he do? LINDA State Department. CHAD That's cool. LINDA His hair is... what is that? CHAD Plugs. 31 INT. GYM - NEXT DAY 31 Linda is showing someone around the floor. LINDA This is the cardio area. A lot of machines here so that, believe me, there's never a wait. What you're seeing now, this is our busiest time, and there's still a couple of open treadmills I see, three Stairmasters---- I call it the Butt-Blaster----couple of LifeCycles----Hi, Chad. Chad is working with a medicine ball and a heavy young woman. CHAD Hi Linda. Did you call that guy? LINDA Not yet! Chad is one of our trainers. I've just started internet dating and I got my first look at the, uh... CUSTOMER What service? LINDA BeWithMeDC dot com? CUSTOMER Nice. LINDA Have you used them? 25. CUSTOMER No----two friends did and they're both hooked up. With really special guys. LINDA That's fantastic. 32 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - LATER 32 Linda is leaning forward at her desk, phone wedged between ear and shoulder, one hand up at her forehead. After a long still beat: LINDA Yes! Another still beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... English! Beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Agent! Beat. LINDA DRIVING ... Agent! Agent! Beat. LINDA ... Yes, hi, this is Linda Litzke, should I give you my account number? You have it up? Okay. I was informed that I needed pre-approval for these surgeries, and then... Yes, it was denied. Listening, then: LINDA (CONT'D) ...No, those are four different operations... It's very complicated; I'm reinventing myself, it's a whole new look so it isn't just one thing, however, it's all approved by my doctor... But----madam! This is not----my job involves, you know, public interface! This is not... 26. Her jaw sets. She controls her fury. Quieter: LINDA (CONT'D) ... Yes I do understand. Could I speak to your supervisor please? 33 INT. TED'S OFFICE/LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY - MINUTES LATER 33 We are on a long lens point-of-view, from several cubicles over, of Linda, now slumped at her desk, head in her arms. We faintly hear her sobbing. Reverse shows Ted Treffon, middle-aged, balding, the soulful manager of Hardbodies. He looks at Linda, puzzled and a little alarmed. He tenses as if to rise but doesn't, and hovers uncomfortably, unsure of whether to intrude. 34 EXT. WASHINGTON MALL - DAY 34 Linda walks down the promenade dressed in a smart pant suit. Her moving POV passes over a couple in conversation, an old woman feeding the birds, a man in a business suit reading a newspaper. She passes the man and turns around. He has looked up from the paper and is staring at her. He wears aviator-shaped glasses with clear plastic rims. He may have hair plugs. LINDA Alan? MAN (ALAN) Are you, uh... Linda? 35 EXT. CIRCLE THEATRE - DUSK 35 A poster advertises Totally Stoked! with Dermot Mulroney and Claire Danes. 36 INT. THEATRE - NIGHT 36 On the screen, Dermot Mulroney, dressed in a tuxedo, cranes his head to look steeply up and off. Linda sits next to Alan in the half-empty theatre, nervously watching the screen. 27. DERMOT (OFF) First you tell me that you can't commit, then you----WOULD YOU GET DOWN FROM THERE! Linda laughs raucously, then catches herself and looks at Alan. 37 INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT 37 The couple sit across from each other at a small table. They pick at their food. 38 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - NIGHT 38 The couple are making love in the dark room on a frilly comforter. Alan, still wearing his glasses, wheezes asthmatically. 39 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - LATER 39 Alan is snoring. After a long beat Linda gets up and puts on a robe. She bends down near the bed and picks something up out of Alan's trousers. 40 INT. LINDA'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 40 She sits into a chair near the window in the dark room and opens Alan's wallet. A Discover card, driver's license, a condom. A photograph of Alan holding a large bluefish. She unfolds a piece of notepaper. Written in a feminine hand in pencil: Please pick up: Plunge Honey Nut Cheerios. LINDA Oh for Pete's sake! She catches herself, looks around. The snoring, off, continues. She looks out the window. The lights of the freeway twinkle. 28. 41 INT. YACHT - NIGHT 41 We are in the bedroom. The boat rides gently at anchor. Harry has an arm around Katie, in bed. Both stare at a point in space. After a beat that is silent except for the faint sloshing of water against hull: HARRY ... and then, you know, you grow up. I guess that's what's happened with me. You just... people change. We married when I was, what, in my mid- twenties. A kid. We were kids. Twenties. You think it's forever. Then, you know, you're older----you begin to feel your mortality, you start to think, well, there's no more

familiars

How many times the word 'familiars' appears in the text?

Burn After Reading Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS BURN AFTER READING Written by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen FADE IN 1 EXT. EASTERN SEABOARD - AERIALS - DAY 1 High in the air----so high we an see the curvature of the earth. The eastern seaboard stretches away, flecked with clouds. As we dissolve in closer the picture bleaches of color. We are looking down at the city of Washington, D.C. Dissolve closer still: a black-and-white aerial photograph of a neighborhood in suburban D.C. dominated by a sprawling building. Computer type quickly bleeps on: C.I.A. Headquarters Langley, Virginia 2 INT. CIA - HALLWAY - DAY 2 We track at floor level, following the well shined shoes of someone walking down the well polished hallway. 3 INT. PALMER'S OFFICE - DAY 3 We hear a door opening and a silver-haired man rises behind his desk. A nameplate on the desk identifies him as Palmer DeBakey Smith. PALMER Ozzie. Sit down. Osbourne Cox, entering, is a middle-aged man in a striped shirt and bow tie. OSBOURNE Palmer. What's up. PALMER You know Peck, and Olson. The two men, sitting on chairs facing the desk, nod at Osbourne, who is surprised to see them. OSBOURNE Peck, yes, hiya. Olson, by reputation. Hi, Osbourne Cox. OLSON Yeah, hiyah. 2. OSBOURNE Aren't you with...aren't you, uh... Palmer jumps in: PALMER Yeah, that's right. Oz, look. There's no easy way to say this. We're taking you off the Balkans desk. OSBOURNE You're----what? Why? PALMER In fact we're moving you out of Sigint entirely. OSBOURNE ...What? No discussion, just----you're out? PALMER Well, we're having the discussion now Oz. This doesn't have to be unpleasant. OSBOURNE Palmer, with all due respect----what the fuck are you talking about? A beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... And why is Olson here? Another uncomfortable beat. PALMER ... Look, Ozzie---- OSBOURNE What the fuck is this?! Is it my----I know it's not my work. PALMER Ozzie---- OSBOURNE I'm a great fucking analyst! Is it---- PALMER Oz, things are not going well. As you know. 3. PECK You have a drinking problem. Stunned silence. Ozzie turns to look at Peck. At length: OSBOURNE I have a drinking problem. PALMER This doesn't have to be unpleasant. We found you something in State. It's a, uh... He gropes, uncomfortable. PALMER (CONT'D) ... It's a lower clearance level. Yes. But we're not, this isn't, we're not terminating you. OSBOURNE (quietly) This is an assault. PECK Come on, Ozzie. OSBOURNE This is an assault. I have a drinking problem? Fuck you, Peck, you're a Mormon! PECK Ozzie---- OSBOURNE Next to you we all have a drinking problem! Fuck you guys! Whose ass didn't I kiss? Let's be honest! Palmer nods at Olson. PALMER Okay, Olson---- OSBOURNE Let's be fucking honest... Osbourne gets to his feet, agitated. 4. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... This is a crucifixion! This is political! Don't tell me it's not! He storms out the door. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I have a drinking problem! The door slams. Palmer Smith looks at Olson. Olson arches an eyebrow. 4 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 4 OSBOURNE Bow tie loosened, he stands at a kitchen counter. His shoulders twist as he does something below frame: we hear the crackle of ice cubes wrenching loose from a tray. Behind him we see the apartment door opening. Katie, an attractive middle-aged woman, enters, taking her key out of the door, but stops, surprised to see Osbourne. KATIE You're home. Osbourne continues making himself a drink. OSBOURNE Hang on to your hat, honey. I have some news. I---- KATIE Did you pick up the cheeses? OSBOURNE Huh? KATIE Were they ready? I didn't know you were coming home this early. OSBOURNE (blank) The cheeses. Katie rolls her eyes. 5. KATIE I left a message for you to stop at Todaro's. The Magruders and the Pfarrers are coming over. OSBOURNE The Pfarrers? Ugh. I----what did Kathleen say? KATIE What? OSBOURNE When you left the message? KATIE She said. She would give you. The message. OSBOURNE Well she, I don't know, I guess we had bigger news today. My day didn't revolve arou---- KATIE So you didn't get the cheeses. OSBOURNE Well, since I didn't get the message, no, I didn't get the cheeses. But hang on to your hat, I---- KATIE Oh for fuck's sake, Ozzie, you mean I have to go out again? All right, well, you better get dressed. OSBOURNE Honey, we have to talk. KATIE Not right now. They'll be here in, what, less than an hour. 5 INT. COX LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 5 A hand hovers, hesitates. VOICE Is this a, uh, goat cheese? OSBOURNE (OFF) Chevre, yes, that is a goat cheese. Pink Revision 8/14/07 6. Wider shows the cocktail party, meagerly attended but in full swing. Besides Osbourne and Katie there is Harry Pfarrer (who has just inquired about the cheese), bearded, forties, rugged; his wife Sandy; and a shiny-faced young couple, Doug and Tina Magruder. Osbourne holds a cocktail tumbler. HARRY Because I have lactose reflux. But I can---- OSBOURNE You're lactose intolerant? HARRY Yes, but I can---- OSBOURNE Or you have acid reflux? They're two different things. Harry looks at him coldly. HARRY I know what they are. OSBOURNE Then you misspoke yourself. So I---- HARRY Thank you for correcting me. KATIE You should try the chevre, Harry. It's very good. HARRY Yeah. I can eat goat cheese. He eats a piece, cupping one hand under his mouth. HARRY (CONT'D) ... I was just explaining to your husband here, I have a condition---- Katie tries to separate the two men by including Doug Magruder. KATIE Harry works with the Marshalls' * Service. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 6A. DOUG MAGRUDER Ah. I'm on the legislative side, I * work with Senator Hobby. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 7. HARRY * Used to work for Treasury, but I * didn't go over to Homeland Security. * I'm with the Marshalls. * OSBOURNE If you want he'll show you his great big gun. HARRY Very amusing. The gun is actually no big deal. Twenty years in the marshall's service and I've never discharged my weapon. OSBOURNE Sounds like something you should be telling your psychiatrist. HARRY What? I don't have a psychiatrist. DOUG MAGRUDER Boy, I guess my job is pretty undramatic. I'm on the legislative side. What do you do Mrs. Pfarrer? Do you also carry a gun? Harry laughs. HARRY Sandy writes children's books. SANDY I write children's books---- HARRY Oliver The Cat Who...Who..arghh----Who---- Choking on piece of cheese, coughing HARRY (CONT'D) ...Who Lives In The Rotunda. Excuse me. TINA Those are wonderful! My nieces and nephews---- 8. HARRY Yeah, it's a beloved series. You wouldn't believe her fan mail. Unghh. Are you sure this is goat cheese? KATIE Why don't you let your wife tell them about her own books, Harry? HARRY I'm sorry----was I---- KATIE Here, come in the kitchen, help me with the crudit s. 6 INT. COX KITCHEN - NIGHT 6 They enter. HARRY Goddamnit. He knows, doesn't he. He looks down at the floor. He stamps. HARRY (CONT'D) ... Nice floors. KATIE Knows what? Harry is looking around the kitchen, taking in the fixtures. Absently: HARRY About us, he knows about us. Little prick. KATIE Don't be an ass, he doesn't know a thing. Harry is staring down at the linoleum again. HARRY What is that, forbo? A6 EXT. STREET - NIGHT A6 A car drives by. 9. 7 INT. HARRY'S CAR - NIGHT 7 Harry driving, his wife next to him. A long beat. Finally: HARRY What a horse's ass. SANDY I don't know why we see them. Harry shrugs. HARRY Well, she's all right. SANDY She is a cold, stuck-up bitch. Harry opens his mouth to reply, considers, doesn't. They drive. 8 INT. COX MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT 8 KATIE She is staring, in front of a mirror, face covered in cold cream, one hand arrested on the way up to daub on more. KATIE You quit?! Osbourne is buttoning a pajama top. OSBOURNE Uh-huh. KATIE Well----Thank you for letting me know! OSBOURNE I tried to tell you this afternoon. KATIE You tried? You tried? And then---- what, the aphasia kicked in? OSBOURNE Our guests came. We---- 10. KATIE Why?! For fuck's sake, Ozzie! OSBOURNE I'm just----I don't know. I got so tired. KATIE You're tired. OSBOURNE Tired of swimming against the current. KATIE Uh-huh. OSBOURNE Independent thought is not only not valued there, they resist it, they fight it, the bureaucracy is positively---- KATIE Did you get a pension, or severance or something, or---- OSBOURNE I didn't retire you know, I, I quit. I don't want their benefits. KATIE But I suppose my benefits are all right, I suppose you can live with those, is that the idea? OSBOURNE It's not like that's the only way to make money. KATIE Yes? Yes? What're you gonna do? OSBOURNE I'll do some consulting. KATIE Consulting. OSBOURNE Yes, to help while I----I've always wanted to write. KATIE Write. Write what. 11. OSBOURNE I've been thinking about it. A book, a sort of, sort of memoir. Katie stares at him in the mirror. A beat. She bursts into laughter. 9 EXT. YACHT/AT SEA - DAY 9 THE BRIDGE A small yacht. Osbourne stands at the wheel, a light wind in his face, as the boat sails under motor power. After a beat he moves to the front of the boat. An old man sits on a bench on the prow facing out into the wind. He has snowy hair and a stern Yankee face. He wears a tweed cap. He doesn't much react to Osbourne's approach. OSBOURNE You okay there, Dad? The old man remains silent, staring. Osbourne sits next to him and idly tucks in the plaid blanket resting over the man's knees. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Dad, I left my job at the Agency... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I, uh... I'm sorry. Dad, government service is not what it was when you were in State. Things are different now. I don't know, maybe it's... it's... the Cold War ending; now it seems like it's all bureaucracy and no mission... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I'm writing a memoir. I think it's going to be pretty explosive. But I don't think you'll disapprove. I don't think you'll disapprove. Katie has had trouble accepting it. (MORE) 12. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) But... sometimes there's a higher patriotism, Dad. So we'll... Yes, change is hard. It's hard on Katie. But we'll be okay. We'll be okay. Life is change. This is good. We were all blocked up, Katie and me. This is, this is a blessing in disguise. I'll go into training, you know. Lay off the sauce. Like you did. You managed to do it. Finally. And then I can concentrate on, you know. New beginning. And this'll all have been for the best. Don't you think Dad? The old man stares out into the wind. Osbourne sniffles. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Cold. He taps the old man on the knee and rises. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I guess we should head back. 10 EXT. PIER - DAY 10 LONG SHOT THRU THE WINDSHIELD OF A CAR The sailboat docked at the end of a marina. Osbourne is pushing the old man in a wheel chair down the pier away from the boat. A MAN'S VOICE We've seen this... 11 INT. LAW FIRM - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY 11 THE MAN White hair, bushy eyebrows, a florid face. He is in a law- book lined conference room. He wears an expensive suit, suspenders, a white shirt with blue collar and cuffs. He is Bogus Terikhian. TERIKHIAN ... I know this kind of man. We've seen this. 13. Wider on the conference room shows that Katie Cox sits at the table, along with Terikhian, another lawyer, and an assistant. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Mrs. Cox, you can't let this man take advantage of you. And he will. He will. KATIE Yes. This is my fear. He's trying---- he says----he's trying to pull himself together, but... TERIKHIAN Look, sure, I----I'm obliged to tell you you should try to salvage things. And you should. People turn themselves around. Not unheard-of. But. You---- you haven't broached the possibility of divorce yet? KATIE No. TERIKHIAN Well that's good. Because first you should get all his financials. Before he's forewarned. Because here's a man, here's a man, practiced in deceit, this is almost, you could say it's his job, practiced at hiding things, and there is no reason, it is not improper, there is no reason for you not to get a picture of the household finances. Paper files, computer files, whatever----this is your prerogative. You can be a spy too, madam. Do this before you put him on alert. Before the turtle can draw in his head and his, uh... He waggles his hands, groping for the word. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Feet. He shrugs. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... And hopefully everything will work out. He will reform. But! If not: forewarned is forearmed. 14. 12 INT. COX HOUSE - DAY 12 Osbourne is splayed on an easy chair, wearing a bathrobe over pyjamas. He stares at the ceiling, motionless, arms out- flung, like Marat in his bathtub. A long still beat. A clock ticks. Abruptly Osbourne raises one hand to speak into a microcassette recorder. OSBOURNE We were young and committed and there was nothing we couldn't do. We thought of the Agency less as... less as... The thought, such as it was, peters out. Osbourne rises and wanders around the room, glassy-eyed. He suddenly raises the microcassette again. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... The principles of George Kennan----a personal hero of mine----were what animated us. In fact they were what had originally inspired me to enter government service. Like the State Department's China Hands of yore, or, in a different forum, in a different venue, in a different medium, in, um... "Murrow's Boys," the fabled----in a different---- He suddenly stops, head cocked, listening. Faintly, a ringing phone. 13 INT. COX BASEMENT STAIRWAY - DAY 13 At the cut Osbourne is thundering down a steep carpeted stairway. He inclines his head to clear the ceiling that juts over the bottom half of the stairwell. The phone is louder here. 14 INT. COX BASEMENT - DAY 14 A semi-finished basement with cheap paneling and a low dropped ceiling of water-stained Johnson-Armstrong tile. The ringing phone is on a cheap government-surplus desk. The answering machine, with Osbourne's voice, picks up: 15. MACHINE You have reached The Cox Group... Osbourne, robe flapping, shuffles hurriedly in his slippered feet toward the phone. MACHINE (CONT'D) ... We can't answer your call right now. Please leave a---- OSBOURNE (heavy breathing) Hello. He eases into the chair, having swiped up the phone. A listening beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Yes?... Oh, no... No, call her number... No, upstairs...No she's not, but leave it on her machine. 15 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY - LATER 15 We are looking over Osbourne's shoulder----he is still in his robe----as he sits hunched on an ottoman, looking at a daytime game show. A few beats of the show. Roaring laughter from the studio audience. Mild chuckle from Osbourne in the foreground. 16 INT LIVING ROOM - DAY - STILL LATER 16 Ticking clock. Osbourne paces with the microcassette recorder. He raises it with a thought, draws a breath, and then stops, and looks off. The ticking grandfather clock: ornate hands on an ornate clock face Two or three minutes to five. Osbourne stares for a long beat. 17 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 17 OSBOURNE Shoulders twisting as we hear ice clattering out of a tray. He pours coke sizzling onto the ice. 16. He pauses for a long beat. He takes a bottle of rum out of a cabinet. He pours some into a hatch-marked shot glass. He looks at it. The amber liquid tops the hatch mark. He conscientiously pours the overage back, murmuring: OSBOURNE Single... He dumps the shot into the Coke. 18 EXT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 18 As before, the boat, docked at the end of the marina pier, is seen in long shot through the windshield of a car. Closer on the boat. As water laps against pilings and the boat gently bobs and creaks, we hear, muffled, the sounds of a couple having sex. When it builds to climax we cut: 19 INT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 19 Minutes later. We hold on a door for a quiet beat, then we hear the gurgle of water, and then the door opens. Harry Pfarrer emerges from the small bathroom, buckling his belt. In the bedroom which he emerges into Katie Cox is just finishing dressing. Harry looks at his watch. HARRY I should try to get a run in. 20 INT. COX HOUSE - DUSK 20 Katie is letting herself in. KATIE Ozzie! Quiet. 21 INT. KITCHEN - DUSK 21 Katie enters and sees a note on the counter paperweighted by a plate of used lime wedges: 17. Honey, At Fenninger's. Reunion committee dinner. See you later. 22 EXT. POTOMAC BRIDGE - DUSK 22 Long-lens, hand-held, point-of-view seeming: Harry Pfarrer is jogging in his Treasury sweats. Closer on him. Brow furrows. He spins, jogs backwards, looking. His point-of-view: nothing unusual; traffic on the bridge, no pedestrians particularly close. Harry, mildly puzzled, slows and stops. He turns again. Point-of-view up the bridge: empty. Harry starts jogging again. 23 INT. COX BASEMENT - NIGHT 23 We are tracking toward the desk in the corner, at which Katie sits. She cracks open a CD case and loads the CD into Osbourne's computer. A suspense drone builds as we track in. Katie starts typing, then suddenly stops. She holds still, listening for noises in the house. Nothing. She resumes typing. We hear male voices beginning to swell in song. The voices continue after the suspense drone snaps off, at the cut to: 24 INT. FENNINGER'S - NIGHT 24 A musty steakhouse. On the walls are hunting-scene prints and steel engravings of English country houses. A placard resting on a chair outside the Georgian Room: CLOSED FOR PRIVATE PARTY. From inside the room, male voices: VOICES Tune every heart and every voice... 18. 25 INT. FENNINGER'S - GEORGIAN ROOM - NIGHT 25 A dozen middle-aged men around a long table, each holding high a glass. MEN ... Bid every care withdraw. Let all with one accord rejoice... The men are sweaty, tie-loosened, dinner-stuffed and boozy. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau... Close on Osbourne as a rotund middle-aged classmate fills his glass to brimming. The two sway unsteadily with the music.. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau my boys, Hoo-rah, hoo-rah, hoorah! All swing their glasses side-to-side in rhythm: MEN (CONT'D) ... Her sons... shall give... while they... shall live... Glasses are thrust high with a ringing finish: MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau! 26 INT. EXAM ROOM - DAY 26 A WOMAN'S ASS Bare. Pale. Middle-aged. Someone with a marker is drawing on the flesh to illustrate: DOCTOR (OFF) We take all the chicken fat off your buttocks, here... and here... And the upper arms. And a little off your tummy... The camera is arcing around a standing, naked, middle-aged woman, to reveal the doctor sitting on a stool in the examining room, facing her. He reaches forward again with the marker. 19. DOCTOR (OFF) (CONT'D) ...And we do breast augmentation with a tiny incision here... and here. PATIENT (OFF) Uh-huh. And what about the thigh area? DOCTOR Well we can do liposuction there as well, but that area will respond to exercise. Buttocks and upper arms begin to store more fat when you get up around forty, the body just tells it to go there, but the thighs will respond to toning exercises. PATIENT Uh-huh. I know, I can work out on my arms til the cows come home, but... DOCTOR Uh-huh. And of course there are also genetic factors. PATIENT The Litzkes are big. DOCTOR Uh-huh, well everything's---- PATIENT My mom had an ass that could pull a bus. DOCTOR Wow. Well that's a predispo---- PATIENT Father's side too, although Dad tends to carry his weight in front of him. DOCTOR Uh-huh. PATIENT In the gut area. Derriere, not so much. DOCTOR Okay. The continuing track around is also booming up to reveal the face of the patient, Linda Litzke. 20. LINDA And what about the face, you know, the window to the soul. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Very well put. Well your eyes are one of your best features. But we can do something about the incipient crow's feet. LINDA Baby crow's feet. Little chickling's feet. I mean chicks. Chickie chickie chickie. DOCTOR Ha-ha, yes, again, well put. You have a way with words. We cut here... He marks. DOCTOR (CONT'D) ... And we pull the skin tight, like stretching the skin over a drum. Not too tight, though. We don't want that "worked-on" look. You need sufficient slack for the face to remain expressive. LINDA Yeah, I don't wanna look like Boris Karloff. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Heh-heh, so you don't want a sex change! LINDA No, I'm all woman! 27 INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY 27 Doctor and patient, now dressed, sit on either side of a desk. DOCTOR So Linda, what we're talking about here is four different procedures. (ticks them off) The liposuction... The rhinoplasty... The facial tuck, which I would strongly recommend over the chemical peel---- 21. LINDA Yeah, I don't want to get anything burned off. DOCTOR And why should you. With that lovely skin. And lastly, the breast augmentation. Now we can also do something about the vaccine scar----I don't know if you wear sleeveless dresses much---- LINDA Not with these ham hocks! DOCTOR Yes, well once they're nice and svelte, post-op, you---- LINDA Well I don't know. Is the vaccine thing----can you counsel me on this? I don't know, is it unsightly? I see it a lot, a bunch of people have it. DOCTOR Absolutely! Some women don't mind it at all! Personal taste! 28 INT. HARDBODIES - DAY 28 Linda Litzke, in a Hardbodies polo shirt with "Linda" stitched on the breast, leans out of her semi-enclosed office on the gym floor. LINDA Chad! 29 INT. HARDBODIES - GYM FLOOR - DAY 29 Chad Feldheimer, trainer, fortyish and well-muscled, has a gym patron up on a table and is helping him stretch a leg back. PATRON Ow! CHAD I'm sorry, was that too much? 22. PATRON I felt a straining... a tightness in the... in the front of my ass... CHAD Well you're pretty tight. You have to feel it or---- LINDA (on the public address) Chad Feldheimer. Office. CHAD I'll be back in a minute. We'll work on opening those hips. 30 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY 30 Linda is tapping at her computer as Chad enters. LINDA I got a batch from BeWithMeDC dot com. Chad perches on the desk, chewing gum as he gazes at the screen. CHAD Oh wow. Any good? LINDA I don't know yet, just looking... How do you open this? CHAD Click on, uh... yeah... LINDA Oh my god! CHAD What? LINDA Oh my God, what a loser! She clicks. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser! She clicks. Chad is laughing. Linda scowls. 23. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser!... What is this! They should call this Mr. Saggy dot com. CHAD Cripes. LINDA Loser! CHAD Did you have to send a picture? LINDA No, only guys do. I submitted a verbal profile, turn-ons, turn-offs, et cetera. I'm really looking for someone with a sense of humor. CHAD That guy----wait----that guy wasn't bad. LINDA Him? CHAD No, before. LINDA Him? CHAD Yeah. He uh, he might not be a loser. LINDA How can you tell? CHAD That's a Brioni suit. LINDA Oh yeah? CHAD Shit yeah. LINDA (dubious) Does he look like he has a sense of humor? CHAD He looks like his optometrist has a sense of humor. 24. Linda slaps his arm. CHAD (CONT'D) ... Huh-huh-huh. What does he do? LINDA State Department. CHAD That's cool. LINDA His hair is... what is that? CHAD Plugs. 31 INT. GYM - NEXT DAY 31 Linda is showing someone around the floor. LINDA This is the cardio area. A lot of machines here so that, believe me, there's never a wait. What you're seeing now, this is our busiest time, and there's still a couple of open treadmills I see, three Stairmasters---- I call it the Butt-Blaster----couple of LifeCycles----Hi, Chad. Chad is working with a medicine ball and a heavy young woman. CHAD Hi Linda. Did you call that guy? LINDA Not yet! Chad is one of our trainers. I've just started internet dating and I got my first look at the, uh... CUSTOMER What service? LINDA BeWithMeDC dot com? CUSTOMER Nice. LINDA Have you used them? 25. CUSTOMER No----two friends did and they're both hooked up. With really special guys. LINDA That's fantastic. 32 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - LATER 32 Linda is leaning forward at her desk, phone wedged between ear and shoulder, one hand up at her forehead. After a long still beat: LINDA Yes! Another still beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... English! Beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Agent! Beat. LINDA DRIVING ... Agent! Agent! Beat. LINDA ... Yes, hi, this is Linda Litzke, should I give you my account number? You have it up? Okay. I was informed that I needed pre-approval for these surgeries, and then... Yes, it was denied. Listening, then: LINDA (CONT'D) ...No, those are four different operations... It's very complicated; I'm reinventing myself, it's a whole new look so it isn't just one thing, however, it's all approved by my doctor... But----madam! This is not----my job involves, you know, public interface! This is not... 26. Her jaw sets. She controls her fury. Quieter: LINDA (CONT'D) ... Yes I do understand. Could I speak to your supervisor please? 33 INT. TED'S OFFICE/LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY - MINUTES LATER 33 We are on a long lens point-of-view, from several cubicles over, of Linda, now slumped at her desk, head in her arms. We faintly hear her sobbing. Reverse shows Ted Treffon, middle-aged, balding, the soulful manager of Hardbodies. He looks at Linda, puzzled and a little alarmed. He tenses as if to rise but doesn't, and hovers uncomfortably, unsure of whether to intrude. 34 EXT. WASHINGTON MALL - DAY 34 Linda walks down the promenade dressed in a smart pant suit. Her moving POV passes over a couple in conversation, an old woman feeding the birds, a man in a business suit reading a newspaper. She passes the man and turns around. He has looked up from the paper and is staring at her. He wears aviator-shaped glasses with clear plastic rims. He may have hair plugs. LINDA Alan? MAN (ALAN) Are you, uh... Linda? 35 EXT. CIRCLE THEATRE - DUSK 35 A poster advertises Totally Stoked! with Dermot Mulroney and Claire Danes. 36 INT. THEATRE - NIGHT 36 On the screen, Dermot Mulroney, dressed in a tuxedo, cranes his head to look steeply up and off. Linda sits next to Alan in the half-empty theatre, nervously watching the screen. 27. DERMOT (OFF) First you tell me that you can't commit, then you----WOULD YOU GET DOWN FROM THERE! Linda laughs raucously, then catches herself and looks at Alan. 37 INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT 37 The couple sit across from each other at a small table. They pick at their food. 38 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - NIGHT 38 The couple are making love in the dark room on a frilly comforter. Alan, still wearing his glasses, wheezes asthmatically. 39 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - LATER 39 Alan is snoring. After a long beat Linda gets up and puts on a robe. She bends down near the bed and picks something up out of Alan's trousers. 40 INT. LINDA'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 40 She sits into a chair near the window in the dark room and opens Alan's wallet. A Discover card, driver's license, a condom. A photograph of Alan holding a large bluefish. She unfolds a piece of notepaper. Written in a feminine hand in pencil: Please pick up: Plunge Honey Nut Cheerios. LINDA Oh for Pete's sake! She catches herself, looks around. The snoring, off, continues. She looks out the window. The lights of the freeway twinkle. 28. 41 INT. YACHT - NIGHT 41 We are in the bedroom. The boat rides gently at anchor. Harry has an arm around Katie, in bed. Both stare at a point in space. After a beat that is silent except for the faint sloshing of water against hull: HARRY ... and then, you know, you grow up. I guess that's what's happened with me. You just... people change. We married when I was, what, in my mid- twenties. A kid. We were kids. Twenties. You think it's forever. Then, you know, you're older----you begin to feel your mortality, you start to think, well, there's no more

deference

How many times the word 'deference' appears in the text?

Burn After Reading Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS BURN AFTER READING Written by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen FADE IN 1 EXT. EASTERN SEABOARD - AERIALS - DAY 1 High in the air----so high we an see the curvature of the earth. The eastern seaboard stretches away, flecked with clouds. As we dissolve in closer the picture bleaches of color. We are looking down at the city of Washington, D.C. Dissolve closer still: a black-and-white aerial photograph of a neighborhood in suburban D.C. dominated by a sprawling building. Computer type quickly bleeps on: C.I.A. Headquarters Langley, Virginia 2 INT. CIA - HALLWAY - DAY 2 We track at floor level, following the well shined shoes of someone walking down the well polished hallway. 3 INT. PALMER'S OFFICE - DAY 3 We hear a door opening and a silver-haired man rises behind his desk. A nameplate on the desk identifies him as Palmer DeBakey Smith. PALMER Ozzie. Sit down. Osbourne Cox, entering, is a middle-aged man in a striped shirt and bow tie. OSBOURNE Palmer. What's up. PALMER You know Peck, and Olson. The two men, sitting on chairs facing the desk, nod at Osbourne, who is surprised to see them. OSBOURNE Peck, yes, hiya. Olson, by reputation. Hi, Osbourne Cox. OLSON Yeah, hiyah. 2. OSBOURNE Aren't you with...aren't you, uh... Palmer jumps in: PALMER Yeah, that's right. Oz, look. There's no easy way to say this. We're taking you off the Balkans desk. OSBOURNE You're----what? Why? PALMER In fact we're moving you out of Sigint entirely. OSBOURNE ...What? No discussion, just----you're out? PALMER Well, we're having the discussion now Oz. This doesn't have to be unpleasant. OSBOURNE Palmer, with all due respect----what the fuck are you talking about? A beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... And why is Olson here? Another uncomfortable beat. PALMER ... Look, Ozzie---- OSBOURNE What the fuck is this?! Is it my----I know it's not my work. PALMER Ozzie---- OSBOURNE I'm a great fucking analyst! Is it---- PALMER Oz, things are not going well. As you know. 3. PECK You have a drinking problem. Stunned silence. Ozzie turns to look at Peck. At length: OSBOURNE I have a drinking problem. PALMER This doesn't have to be unpleasant. We found you something in State. It's a, uh... He gropes, uncomfortable. PALMER (CONT'D) ... It's a lower clearance level. Yes. But we're not, this isn't, we're not terminating you. OSBOURNE (quietly) This is an assault. PECK Come on, Ozzie. OSBOURNE This is an assault. I have a drinking problem? Fuck you, Peck, you're a Mormon! PECK Ozzie---- OSBOURNE Next to you we all have a drinking problem! Fuck you guys! Whose ass didn't I kiss? Let's be honest! Palmer nods at Olson. PALMER Okay, Olson---- OSBOURNE Let's be fucking honest... Osbourne gets to his feet, agitated. 4. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... This is a crucifixion! This is political! Don't tell me it's not! He storms out the door. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I have a drinking problem! The door slams. Palmer Smith looks at Olson. Olson arches an eyebrow. 4 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 4 OSBOURNE Bow tie loosened, he stands at a kitchen counter. His shoulders twist as he does something below frame: we hear the crackle of ice cubes wrenching loose from a tray. Behind him we see the apartment door opening. Katie, an attractive middle-aged woman, enters, taking her key out of the door, but stops, surprised to see Osbourne. KATIE You're home. Osbourne continues making himself a drink. OSBOURNE Hang on to your hat, honey. I have some news. I---- KATIE Did you pick up the cheeses? OSBOURNE Huh? KATIE Were they ready? I didn't know you were coming home this early. OSBOURNE (blank) The cheeses. Katie rolls her eyes. 5. KATIE I left a message for you to stop at Todaro's. The Magruders and the Pfarrers are coming over. OSBOURNE The Pfarrers? Ugh. I----what did Kathleen say? KATIE What? OSBOURNE When you left the message? KATIE She said. She would give you. The message. OSBOURNE Well she, I don't know, I guess we had bigger news today. My day didn't revolve arou---- KATIE So you didn't get the cheeses. OSBOURNE Well, since I didn't get the message, no, I didn't get the cheeses. But hang on to your hat, I---- KATIE Oh for fuck's sake, Ozzie, you mean I have to go out again? All right, well, you better get dressed. OSBOURNE Honey, we have to talk. KATIE Not right now. They'll be here in, what, less than an hour. 5 INT. COX LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 5 A hand hovers, hesitates. VOICE Is this a, uh, goat cheese? OSBOURNE (OFF) Chevre, yes, that is a goat cheese. Pink Revision 8/14/07 6. Wider shows the cocktail party, meagerly attended but in full swing. Besides Osbourne and Katie there is Harry Pfarrer (who has just inquired about the cheese), bearded, forties, rugged; his wife Sandy; and a shiny-faced young couple, Doug and Tina Magruder. Osbourne holds a cocktail tumbler. HARRY Because I have lactose reflux. But I can---- OSBOURNE You're lactose intolerant? HARRY Yes, but I can---- OSBOURNE Or you have acid reflux? They're two different things. Harry looks at him coldly. HARRY I know what they are. OSBOURNE Then you misspoke yourself. So I---- HARRY Thank you for correcting me. KATIE You should try the chevre, Harry. It's very good. HARRY Yeah. I can eat goat cheese. He eats a piece, cupping one hand under his mouth. HARRY (CONT'D) ... I was just explaining to your husband here, I have a condition---- Katie tries to separate the two men by including Doug Magruder. KATIE Harry works with the Marshalls' * Service. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 6A. DOUG MAGRUDER Ah. I'm on the legislative side, I * work with Senator Hobby. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 7. HARRY * Used to work for Treasury, but I * didn't go over to Homeland Security. * I'm with the Marshalls. * OSBOURNE If you want he'll show you his great big gun. HARRY Very amusing. The gun is actually no big deal. Twenty years in the marshall's service and I've never discharged my weapon. OSBOURNE Sounds like something you should be telling your psychiatrist. HARRY What? I don't have a psychiatrist. DOUG MAGRUDER Boy, I guess my job is pretty undramatic. I'm on the legislative side. What do you do Mrs. Pfarrer? Do you also carry a gun? Harry laughs. HARRY Sandy writes children's books. SANDY I write children's books---- HARRY Oliver The Cat Who...Who..arghh----Who---- Choking on piece of cheese, coughing HARRY (CONT'D) ...Who Lives In The Rotunda. Excuse me. TINA Those are wonderful! My nieces and nephews---- 8. HARRY Yeah, it's a beloved series. You wouldn't believe her fan mail. Unghh. Are you sure this is goat cheese? KATIE Why don't you let your wife tell them about her own books, Harry? HARRY I'm sorry----was I---- KATIE Here, come in the kitchen, help me with the crudit s. 6 INT. COX KITCHEN - NIGHT 6 They enter. HARRY Goddamnit. He knows, doesn't he. He looks down at the floor. He stamps. HARRY (CONT'D) ... Nice floors. KATIE Knows what? Harry is looking around the kitchen, taking in the fixtures. Absently: HARRY About us, he knows about us. Little prick. KATIE Don't be an ass, he doesn't know a thing. Harry is staring down at the linoleum again. HARRY What is that, forbo? A6 EXT. STREET - NIGHT A6 A car drives by. 9. 7 INT. HARRY'S CAR - NIGHT 7 Harry driving, his wife next to him. A long beat. Finally: HARRY What a horse's ass. SANDY I don't know why we see them. Harry shrugs. HARRY Well, she's all right. SANDY She is a cold, stuck-up bitch. Harry opens his mouth to reply, considers, doesn't. They drive. 8 INT. COX MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT 8 KATIE She is staring, in front of a mirror, face covered in cold cream, one hand arrested on the way up to daub on more. KATIE You quit?! Osbourne is buttoning a pajama top. OSBOURNE Uh-huh. KATIE Well----Thank you for letting me know! OSBOURNE I tried to tell you this afternoon. KATIE You tried? You tried? And then---- what, the aphasia kicked in? OSBOURNE Our guests came. We---- 10. KATIE Why?! For fuck's sake, Ozzie! OSBOURNE I'm just----I don't know. I got so tired. KATIE You're tired. OSBOURNE Tired of swimming against the current. KATIE Uh-huh. OSBOURNE Independent thought is not only not valued there, they resist it, they fight it, the bureaucracy is positively---- KATIE Did you get a pension, or severance or something, or---- OSBOURNE I didn't retire you know, I, I quit. I don't want their benefits. KATIE But I suppose my benefits are all right, I suppose you can live with those, is that the idea? OSBOURNE It's not like that's the only way to make money. KATIE Yes? Yes? What're you gonna do? OSBOURNE I'll do some consulting. KATIE Consulting. OSBOURNE Yes, to help while I----I've always wanted to write. KATIE Write. Write what. 11. OSBOURNE I've been thinking about it. A book, a sort of, sort of memoir. Katie stares at him in the mirror. A beat. She bursts into laughter. 9 EXT. YACHT/AT SEA - DAY 9 THE BRIDGE A small yacht. Osbourne stands at the wheel, a light wind in his face, as the boat sails under motor power. After a beat he moves to the front of the boat. An old man sits on a bench on the prow facing out into the wind. He has snowy hair and a stern Yankee face. He wears a tweed cap. He doesn't much react to Osbourne's approach. OSBOURNE You okay there, Dad? The old man remains silent, staring. Osbourne sits next to him and idly tucks in the plaid blanket resting over the man's knees. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Dad, I left my job at the Agency... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I, uh... I'm sorry. Dad, government service is not what it was when you were in State. Things are different now. I don't know, maybe it's... it's... the Cold War ending; now it seems like it's all bureaucracy and no mission... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I'm writing a memoir. I think it's going to be pretty explosive. But I don't think you'll disapprove. I don't think you'll disapprove. Katie has had trouble accepting it. (MORE) 12. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) But... sometimes there's a higher patriotism, Dad. So we'll... Yes, change is hard. It's hard on Katie. But we'll be okay. We'll be okay. Life is change. This is good. We were all blocked up, Katie and me. This is, this is a blessing in disguise. I'll go into training, you know. Lay off the sauce. Like you did. You managed to do it. Finally. And then I can concentrate on, you know. New beginning. And this'll all have been for the best. Don't you think Dad? The old man stares out into the wind. Osbourne sniffles. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Cold. He taps the old man on the knee and rises. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I guess we should head back. 10 EXT. PIER - DAY 10 LONG SHOT THRU THE WINDSHIELD OF A CAR The sailboat docked at the end of a marina. Osbourne is pushing the old man in a wheel chair down the pier away from the boat. A MAN'S VOICE We've seen this... 11 INT. LAW FIRM - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY 11 THE MAN White hair, bushy eyebrows, a florid face. He is in a law- book lined conference room. He wears an expensive suit, suspenders, a white shirt with blue collar and cuffs. He is Bogus Terikhian. TERIKHIAN ... I know this kind of man. We've seen this. 13. Wider on the conference room shows that Katie Cox sits at the table, along with Terikhian, another lawyer, and an assistant. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Mrs. Cox, you can't let this man take advantage of you. And he will. He will. KATIE Yes. This is my fear. He's trying---- he says----he's trying to pull himself together, but... TERIKHIAN Look, sure, I----I'm obliged to tell you you should try to salvage things. And you should. People turn themselves around. Not unheard-of. But. You---- you haven't broached the possibility of divorce yet? KATIE No. TERIKHIAN Well that's good. Because first you should get all his financials. Before he's forewarned. Because here's a man, here's a man, practiced in deceit, this is almost, you could say it's his job, practiced at hiding things, and there is no reason, it is not improper, there is no reason for you not to get a picture of the household finances. Paper files, computer files, whatever----this is your prerogative. You can be a spy too, madam. Do this before you put him on alert. Before the turtle can draw in his head and his, uh... He waggles his hands, groping for the word. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Feet. He shrugs. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... And hopefully everything will work out. He will reform. But! If not: forewarned is forearmed. 14. 12 INT. COX HOUSE - DAY 12 Osbourne is splayed on an easy chair, wearing a bathrobe over pyjamas. He stares at the ceiling, motionless, arms out- flung, like Marat in his bathtub. A long still beat. A clock ticks. Abruptly Osbourne raises one hand to speak into a microcassette recorder. OSBOURNE We were young and committed and there was nothing we couldn't do. We thought of the Agency less as... less as... The thought, such as it was, peters out. Osbourne rises and wanders around the room, glassy-eyed. He suddenly raises the microcassette again. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... The principles of George Kennan----a personal hero of mine----were what animated us. In fact they were what had originally inspired me to enter government service. Like the State Department's China Hands of yore, or, in a different forum, in a different venue, in a different medium, in, um... "Murrow's Boys," the fabled----in a different---- He suddenly stops, head cocked, listening. Faintly, a ringing phone. 13 INT. COX BASEMENT STAIRWAY - DAY 13 At the cut Osbourne is thundering down a steep carpeted stairway. He inclines his head to clear the ceiling that juts over the bottom half of the stairwell. The phone is louder here. 14 INT. COX BASEMENT - DAY 14 A semi-finished basement with cheap paneling and a low dropped ceiling of water-stained Johnson-Armstrong tile. The ringing phone is on a cheap government-surplus desk. The answering machine, with Osbourne's voice, picks up: 15. MACHINE You have reached The Cox Group... Osbourne, robe flapping, shuffles hurriedly in his slippered feet toward the phone. MACHINE (CONT'D) ... We can't answer your call right now. Please leave a---- OSBOURNE (heavy breathing) Hello. He eases into the chair, having swiped up the phone. A listening beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Yes?... Oh, no... No, call her number... No, upstairs...No she's not, but leave it on her machine. 15 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY - LATER 15 We are looking over Osbourne's shoulder----he is still in his robe----as he sits hunched on an ottoman, looking at a daytime game show. A few beats of the show. Roaring laughter from the studio audience. Mild chuckle from Osbourne in the foreground. 16 INT LIVING ROOM - DAY - STILL LATER 16 Ticking clock. Osbourne paces with the microcassette recorder. He raises it with a thought, draws a breath, and then stops, and looks off. The ticking grandfather clock: ornate hands on an ornate clock face Two or three minutes to five. Osbourne stares for a long beat. 17 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 17 OSBOURNE Shoulders twisting as we hear ice clattering out of a tray. He pours coke sizzling onto the ice. 16. He pauses for a long beat. He takes a bottle of rum out of a cabinet. He pours some into a hatch-marked shot glass. He looks at it. The amber liquid tops the hatch mark. He conscientiously pours the overage back, murmuring: OSBOURNE Single... He dumps the shot into the Coke. 18 EXT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 18 As before, the boat, docked at the end of the marina pier, is seen in long shot through the windshield of a car. Closer on the boat. As water laps against pilings and the boat gently bobs and creaks, we hear, muffled, the sounds of a couple having sex. When it builds to climax we cut: 19 INT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 19 Minutes later. We hold on a door for a quiet beat, then we hear the gurgle of water, and then the door opens. Harry Pfarrer emerges from the small bathroom, buckling his belt. In the bedroom which he emerges into Katie Cox is just finishing dressing. Harry looks at his watch. HARRY I should try to get a run in. 20 INT. COX HOUSE - DUSK 20 Katie is letting herself in. KATIE Ozzie! Quiet. 21 INT. KITCHEN - DUSK 21 Katie enters and sees a note on the counter paperweighted by a plate of used lime wedges: 17. Honey, At Fenninger's. Reunion committee dinner. See you later. 22 EXT. POTOMAC BRIDGE - DUSK 22 Long-lens, hand-held, point-of-view seeming: Harry Pfarrer is jogging in his Treasury sweats. Closer on him. Brow furrows. He spins, jogs backwards, looking. His point-of-view: nothing unusual; traffic on the bridge, no pedestrians particularly close. Harry, mildly puzzled, slows and stops. He turns again. Point-of-view up the bridge: empty. Harry starts jogging again. 23 INT. COX BASEMENT - NIGHT 23 We are tracking toward the desk in the corner, at which Katie sits. She cracks open a CD case and loads the CD into Osbourne's computer. A suspense drone builds as we track in. Katie starts typing, then suddenly stops. She holds still, listening for noises in the house. Nothing. She resumes typing. We hear male voices beginning to swell in song. The voices continue after the suspense drone snaps off, at the cut to: 24 INT. FENNINGER'S - NIGHT 24 A musty steakhouse. On the walls are hunting-scene prints and steel engravings of English country houses. A placard resting on a chair outside the Georgian Room: CLOSED FOR PRIVATE PARTY. From inside the room, male voices: VOICES Tune every heart and every voice... 18. 25 INT. FENNINGER'S - GEORGIAN ROOM - NIGHT 25 A dozen middle-aged men around a long table, each holding high a glass. MEN ... Bid every care withdraw. Let all with one accord rejoice... The men are sweaty, tie-loosened, dinner-stuffed and boozy. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau... Close on Osbourne as a rotund middle-aged classmate fills his glass to brimming. The two sway unsteadily with the music.. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau my boys, Hoo-rah, hoo-rah, hoorah! All swing their glasses side-to-side in rhythm: MEN (CONT'D) ... Her sons... shall give... while they... shall live... Glasses are thrust high with a ringing finish: MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau! 26 INT. EXAM ROOM - DAY 26 A WOMAN'S ASS Bare. Pale. Middle-aged. Someone with a marker is drawing on the flesh to illustrate: DOCTOR (OFF) We take all the chicken fat off your buttocks, here... and here... And the upper arms. And a little off your tummy... The camera is arcing around a standing, naked, middle-aged woman, to reveal the doctor sitting on a stool in the examining room, facing her. He reaches forward again with the marker. 19. DOCTOR (OFF) (CONT'D) ...And we do breast augmentation with a tiny incision here... and here. PATIENT (OFF) Uh-huh. And what about the thigh area? DOCTOR Well we can do liposuction there as well, but that area will respond to exercise. Buttocks and upper arms begin to store more fat when you get up around forty, the body just tells it to go there, but the thighs will respond to toning exercises. PATIENT Uh-huh. I know, I can work out on my arms til the cows come home, but... DOCTOR Uh-huh. And of course there are also genetic factors. PATIENT The Litzkes are big. DOCTOR Uh-huh, well everything's---- PATIENT My mom had an ass that could pull a bus. DOCTOR Wow. Well that's a predispo---- PATIENT Father's side too, although Dad tends to carry his weight in front of him. DOCTOR Uh-huh. PATIENT In the gut area. Derriere, not so much. DOCTOR Okay. The continuing track around is also booming up to reveal the face of the patient, Linda Litzke. 20. LINDA And what about the face, you know, the window to the soul. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Very well put. Well your eyes are one of your best features. But we can do something about the incipient crow's feet. LINDA Baby crow's feet. Little chickling's feet. I mean chicks. Chickie chickie chickie. DOCTOR Ha-ha, yes, again, well put. You have a way with words. We cut here... He marks. DOCTOR (CONT'D) ... And we pull the skin tight, like stretching the skin over a drum. Not too tight, though. We don't want that "worked-on" look. You need sufficient slack for the face to remain expressive. LINDA Yeah, I don't wanna look like Boris Karloff. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Heh-heh, so you don't want a sex change! LINDA No, I'm all woman! 27 INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY 27 Doctor and patient, now dressed, sit on either side of a desk. DOCTOR So Linda, what we're talking about here is four different procedures. (ticks them off) The liposuction... The rhinoplasty... The facial tuck, which I would strongly recommend over the chemical peel---- 21. LINDA Yeah, I don't want to get anything burned off. DOCTOR And why should you. With that lovely skin. And lastly, the breast augmentation. Now we can also do something about the vaccine scar----I don't know if you wear sleeveless dresses much---- LINDA Not with these ham hocks! DOCTOR Yes, well once they're nice and svelte, post-op, you---- LINDA Well I don't know. Is the vaccine thing----can you counsel me on this? I don't know, is it unsightly? I see it a lot, a bunch of people have it. DOCTOR Absolutely! Some women don't mind it at all! Personal taste! 28 INT. HARDBODIES - DAY 28 Linda Litzke, in a Hardbodies polo shirt with "Linda" stitched on the breast, leans out of her semi-enclosed office on the gym floor. LINDA Chad! 29 INT. HARDBODIES - GYM FLOOR - DAY 29 Chad Feldheimer, trainer, fortyish and well-muscled, has a gym patron up on a table and is helping him stretch a leg back. PATRON Ow! CHAD I'm sorry, was that too much? 22. PATRON I felt a straining... a tightness in the... in the front of my ass... CHAD Well you're pretty tight. You have to feel it or---- LINDA (on the public address) Chad Feldheimer. Office. CHAD I'll be back in a minute. We'll work on opening those hips. 30 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY 30 Linda is tapping at her computer as Chad enters. LINDA I got a batch from BeWithMeDC dot com. Chad perches on the desk, chewing gum as he gazes at the screen. CHAD Oh wow. Any good? LINDA I don't know yet, just looking... How do you open this? CHAD Click on, uh... yeah... LINDA Oh my god! CHAD What? LINDA Oh my God, what a loser! She clicks. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser! She clicks. Chad is laughing. Linda scowls. 23. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser!... What is this! They should call this Mr. Saggy dot com. CHAD Cripes. LINDA Loser! CHAD Did you have to send a picture? LINDA No, only guys do. I submitted a verbal profile, turn-ons, turn-offs, et cetera. I'm really looking for someone with a sense of humor. CHAD That guy----wait----that guy wasn't bad. LINDA Him? CHAD No, before. LINDA Him? CHAD Yeah. He uh, he might not be a loser. LINDA How can you tell? CHAD That's a Brioni suit. LINDA Oh yeah? CHAD Shit yeah. LINDA (dubious) Does he look like he has a sense of humor? CHAD He looks like his optometrist has a sense of humor. 24. Linda slaps his arm. CHAD (CONT'D) ... Huh-huh-huh. What does he do? LINDA State Department. CHAD That's cool. LINDA His hair is... what is that? CHAD Plugs. 31 INT. GYM - NEXT DAY 31 Linda is showing someone around the floor. LINDA This is the cardio area. A lot of machines here so that, believe me, there's never a wait. What you're seeing now, this is our busiest time, and there's still a couple of open treadmills I see, three Stairmasters---- I call it the Butt-Blaster----couple of LifeCycles----Hi, Chad. Chad is working with a medicine ball and a heavy young woman. CHAD Hi Linda. Did you call that guy? LINDA Not yet! Chad is one of our trainers. I've just started internet dating and I got my first look at the, uh... CUSTOMER What service? LINDA BeWithMeDC dot com? CUSTOMER Nice. LINDA Have you used them? 25. CUSTOMER No----two friends did and they're both hooked up. With really special guys. LINDA That's fantastic. 32 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - LATER 32 Linda is leaning forward at her desk, phone wedged between ear and shoulder, one hand up at her forehead. After a long still beat: LINDA Yes! Another still beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... English! Beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Agent! Beat. LINDA DRIVING ... Agent! Agent! Beat. LINDA ... Yes, hi, this is Linda Litzke, should I give you my account number? You have it up? Okay. I was informed that I needed pre-approval for these surgeries, and then... Yes, it was denied. Listening, then: LINDA (CONT'D) ...No, those are four different operations... It's very complicated; I'm reinventing myself, it's a whole new look so it isn't just one thing, however, it's all approved by my doctor... But----madam! This is not----my job involves, you know, public interface! This is not... 26. Her jaw sets. She controls her fury. Quieter: LINDA (CONT'D) ... Yes I do understand. Could I speak to your supervisor please? 33 INT. TED'S OFFICE/LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY - MINUTES LATER 33 We are on a long lens point-of-view, from several cubicles over, of Linda, now slumped at her desk, head in her arms. We faintly hear her sobbing. Reverse shows Ted Treffon, middle-aged, balding, the soulful manager of Hardbodies. He looks at Linda, puzzled and a little alarmed. He tenses as if to rise but doesn't, and hovers uncomfortably, unsure of whether to intrude. 34 EXT. WASHINGTON MALL - DAY 34 Linda walks down the promenade dressed in a smart pant suit. Her moving POV passes over a couple in conversation, an old woman feeding the birds, a man in a business suit reading a newspaper. She passes the man and turns around. He has looked up from the paper and is staring at her. He wears aviator-shaped glasses with clear plastic rims. He may have hair plugs. LINDA Alan? MAN (ALAN) Are you, uh... Linda? 35 EXT. CIRCLE THEATRE - DUSK 35 A poster advertises Totally Stoked! with Dermot Mulroney and Claire Danes. 36 INT. THEATRE - NIGHT 36 On the screen, Dermot Mulroney, dressed in a tuxedo, cranes his head to look steeply up and off. Linda sits next to Alan in the half-empty theatre, nervously watching the screen. 27. DERMOT (OFF) First you tell me that you can't commit, then you----WOULD YOU GET DOWN FROM THERE! Linda laughs raucously, then catches herself and looks at Alan. 37 INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT 37 The couple sit across from each other at a small table. They pick at their food. 38 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - NIGHT 38 The couple are making love in the dark room on a frilly comforter. Alan, still wearing his glasses, wheezes asthmatically. 39 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - LATER 39 Alan is snoring. After a long beat Linda gets up and puts on a robe. She bends down near the bed and picks something up out of Alan's trousers. 40 INT. LINDA'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 40 She sits into a chair near the window in the dark room and opens Alan's wallet. A Discover card, driver's license, a condom. A photograph of Alan holding a large bluefish. She unfolds a piece of notepaper. Written in a feminine hand in pencil: Please pick up: Plunge Honey Nut Cheerios. LINDA Oh for Pete's sake! She catches herself, looks around. The snoring, off, continues. She looks out the window. The lights of the freeway twinkle. 28. 41 INT. YACHT - NIGHT 41 We are in the bedroom. The boat rides gently at anchor. Harry has an arm around Katie, in bed. Both stare at a point in space. After a beat that is silent except for the faint sloshing of water against hull: HARRY ... and then, you know, you grow up. I guess that's what's happened with me. You just... people change. We married when I was, what, in my mid- twenties. A kid. We were kids. Twenties. You think it's forever. Then, you know, you're older----you begin to feel your mortality, you start to think, well, there's no more

knows

How many times the word 'knows' appears in the text?

Burn After Reading Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS BURN AFTER READING Written by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen FADE IN 1 EXT. EASTERN SEABOARD - AERIALS - DAY 1 High in the air----so high we an see the curvature of the earth. The eastern seaboard stretches away, flecked with clouds. As we dissolve in closer the picture bleaches of color. We are looking down at the city of Washington, D.C. Dissolve closer still: a black-and-white aerial photograph of a neighborhood in suburban D.C. dominated by a sprawling building. Computer type quickly bleeps on: C.I.A. Headquarters Langley, Virginia 2 INT. CIA - HALLWAY - DAY 2 We track at floor level, following the well shined shoes of someone walking down the well polished hallway. 3 INT. PALMER'S OFFICE - DAY 3 We hear a door opening and a silver-haired man rises behind his desk. A nameplate on the desk identifies him as Palmer DeBakey Smith. PALMER Ozzie. Sit down. Osbourne Cox, entering, is a middle-aged man in a striped shirt and bow tie. OSBOURNE Palmer. What's up. PALMER You know Peck, and Olson. The two men, sitting on chairs facing the desk, nod at Osbourne, who is surprised to see them. OSBOURNE Peck, yes, hiya. Olson, by reputation. Hi, Osbourne Cox. OLSON Yeah, hiyah. 2. OSBOURNE Aren't you with...aren't you, uh... Palmer jumps in: PALMER Yeah, that's right. Oz, look. There's no easy way to say this. We're taking you off the Balkans desk. OSBOURNE You're----what? Why? PALMER In fact we're moving you out of Sigint entirely. OSBOURNE ...What? No discussion, just----you're out? PALMER Well, we're having the discussion now Oz. This doesn't have to be unpleasant. OSBOURNE Palmer, with all due respect----what the fuck are you talking about? A beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... And why is Olson here? Another uncomfortable beat. PALMER ... Look, Ozzie---- OSBOURNE What the fuck is this?! Is it my----I know it's not my work. PALMER Ozzie---- OSBOURNE I'm a great fucking analyst! Is it---- PALMER Oz, things are not going well. As you know. 3. PECK You have a drinking problem. Stunned silence. Ozzie turns to look at Peck. At length: OSBOURNE I have a drinking problem. PALMER This doesn't have to be unpleasant. We found you something in State. It's a, uh... He gropes, uncomfortable. PALMER (CONT'D) ... It's a lower clearance level. Yes. But we're not, this isn't, we're not terminating you. OSBOURNE (quietly) This is an assault. PECK Come on, Ozzie. OSBOURNE This is an assault. I have a drinking problem? Fuck you, Peck, you're a Mormon! PECK Ozzie---- OSBOURNE Next to you we all have a drinking problem! Fuck you guys! Whose ass didn't I kiss? Let's be honest! Palmer nods at Olson. PALMER Okay, Olson---- OSBOURNE Let's be fucking honest... Osbourne gets to his feet, agitated. 4. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... This is a crucifixion! This is political! Don't tell me it's not! He storms out the door. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I have a drinking problem! The door slams. Palmer Smith looks at Olson. Olson arches an eyebrow. 4 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 4 OSBOURNE Bow tie loosened, he stands at a kitchen counter. His shoulders twist as he does something below frame: we hear the crackle of ice cubes wrenching loose from a tray. Behind him we see the apartment door opening. Katie, an attractive middle-aged woman, enters, taking her key out of the door, but stops, surprised to see Osbourne. KATIE You're home. Osbourne continues making himself a drink. OSBOURNE Hang on to your hat, honey. I have some news. I---- KATIE Did you pick up the cheeses? OSBOURNE Huh? KATIE Were they ready? I didn't know you were coming home this early. OSBOURNE (blank) The cheeses. Katie rolls her eyes. 5. KATIE I left a message for you to stop at Todaro's. The Magruders and the Pfarrers are coming over. OSBOURNE The Pfarrers? Ugh. I----what did Kathleen say? KATIE What? OSBOURNE When you left the message? KATIE She said. She would give you. The message. OSBOURNE Well she, I don't know, I guess we had bigger news today. My day didn't revolve arou---- KATIE So you didn't get the cheeses. OSBOURNE Well, since I didn't get the message, no, I didn't get the cheeses. But hang on to your hat, I---- KATIE Oh for fuck's sake, Ozzie, you mean I have to go out again? All right, well, you better get dressed. OSBOURNE Honey, we have to talk. KATIE Not right now. They'll be here in, what, less than an hour. 5 INT. COX LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 5 A hand hovers, hesitates. VOICE Is this a, uh, goat cheese? OSBOURNE (OFF) Chevre, yes, that is a goat cheese. Pink Revision 8/14/07 6. Wider shows the cocktail party, meagerly attended but in full swing. Besides Osbourne and Katie there is Harry Pfarrer (who has just inquired about the cheese), bearded, forties, rugged; his wife Sandy; and a shiny-faced young couple, Doug and Tina Magruder. Osbourne holds a cocktail tumbler. HARRY Because I have lactose reflux. But I can---- OSBOURNE You're lactose intolerant? HARRY Yes, but I can---- OSBOURNE Or you have acid reflux? They're two different things. Harry looks at him coldly. HARRY I know what they are. OSBOURNE Then you misspoke yourself. So I---- HARRY Thank you for correcting me. KATIE You should try the chevre, Harry. It's very good. HARRY Yeah. I can eat goat cheese. He eats a piece, cupping one hand under his mouth. HARRY (CONT'D) ... I was just explaining to your husband here, I have a condition---- Katie tries to separate the two men by including Doug Magruder. KATIE Harry works with the Marshalls' * Service. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 6A. DOUG MAGRUDER Ah. I'm on the legislative side, I * work with Senator Hobby. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 7. HARRY * Used to work for Treasury, but I * didn't go over to Homeland Security. * I'm with the Marshalls. * OSBOURNE If you want he'll show you his great big gun. HARRY Very amusing. The gun is actually no big deal. Twenty years in the marshall's service and I've never discharged my weapon. OSBOURNE Sounds like something you should be telling your psychiatrist. HARRY What? I don't have a psychiatrist. DOUG MAGRUDER Boy, I guess my job is pretty undramatic. I'm on the legislative side. What do you do Mrs. Pfarrer? Do you also carry a gun? Harry laughs. HARRY Sandy writes children's books. SANDY I write children's books---- HARRY Oliver The Cat Who...Who..arghh----Who---- Choking on piece of cheese, coughing HARRY (CONT'D) ...Who Lives In The Rotunda. Excuse me. TINA Those are wonderful! My nieces and nephews---- 8. HARRY Yeah, it's a beloved series. You wouldn't believe her fan mail. Unghh. Are you sure this is goat cheese? KATIE Why don't you let your wife tell them about her own books, Harry? HARRY I'm sorry----was I---- KATIE Here, come in the kitchen, help me with the crudit s. 6 INT. COX KITCHEN - NIGHT 6 They enter. HARRY Goddamnit. He knows, doesn't he. He looks down at the floor. He stamps. HARRY (CONT'D) ... Nice floors. KATIE Knows what? Harry is looking around the kitchen, taking in the fixtures. Absently: HARRY About us, he knows about us. Little prick. KATIE Don't be an ass, he doesn't know a thing. Harry is staring down at the linoleum again. HARRY What is that, forbo? A6 EXT. STREET - NIGHT A6 A car drives by. 9. 7 INT. HARRY'S CAR - NIGHT 7 Harry driving, his wife next to him. A long beat. Finally: HARRY What a horse's ass. SANDY I don't know why we see them. Harry shrugs. HARRY Well, she's all right. SANDY She is a cold, stuck-up bitch. Harry opens his mouth to reply, considers, doesn't. They drive. 8 INT. COX MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT 8 KATIE She is staring, in front of a mirror, face covered in cold cream, one hand arrested on the way up to daub on more. KATIE You quit?! Osbourne is buttoning a pajama top. OSBOURNE Uh-huh. KATIE Well----Thank you for letting me know! OSBOURNE I tried to tell you this afternoon. KATIE You tried? You tried? And then---- what, the aphasia kicked in? OSBOURNE Our guests came. We---- 10. KATIE Why?! For fuck's sake, Ozzie! OSBOURNE I'm just----I don't know. I got so tired. KATIE You're tired. OSBOURNE Tired of swimming against the current. KATIE Uh-huh. OSBOURNE Independent thought is not only not valued there, they resist it, they fight it, the bureaucracy is positively---- KATIE Did you get a pension, or severance or something, or---- OSBOURNE I didn't retire you know, I, I quit. I don't want their benefits. KATIE But I suppose my benefits are all right, I suppose you can live with those, is that the idea? OSBOURNE It's not like that's the only way to make money. KATIE Yes? Yes? What're you gonna do? OSBOURNE I'll do some consulting. KATIE Consulting. OSBOURNE Yes, to help while I----I've always wanted to write. KATIE Write. Write what. 11. OSBOURNE I've been thinking about it. A book, a sort of, sort of memoir. Katie stares at him in the mirror. A beat. She bursts into laughter. 9 EXT. YACHT/AT SEA - DAY 9 THE BRIDGE A small yacht. Osbourne stands at the wheel, a light wind in his face, as the boat sails under motor power. After a beat he moves to the front of the boat. An old man sits on a bench on the prow facing out into the wind. He has snowy hair and a stern Yankee face. He wears a tweed cap. He doesn't much react to Osbourne's approach. OSBOURNE You okay there, Dad? The old man remains silent, staring. Osbourne sits next to him and idly tucks in the plaid blanket resting over the man's knees. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Dad, I left my job at the Agency... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I, uh... I'm sorry. Dad, government service is not what it was when you were in State. Things are different now. I don't know, maybe it's... it's... the Cold War ending; now it seems like it's all bureaucracy and no mission... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I'm writing a memoir. I think it's going to be pretty explosive. But I don't think you'll disapprove. I don't think you'll disapprove. Katie has had trouble accepting it. (MORE) 12. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) But... sometimes there's a higher patriotism, Dad. So we'll... Yes, change is hard. It's hard on Katie. But we'll be okay. We'll be okay. Life is change. This is good. We were all blocked up, Katie and me. This is, this is a blessing in disguise. I'll go into training, you know. Lay off the sauce. Like you did. You managed to do it. Finally. And then I can concentrate on, you know. New beginning. And this'll all have been for the best. Don't you think Dad? The old man stares out into the wind. Osbourne sniffles. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Cold. He taps the old man on the knee and rises. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I guess we should head back. 10 EXT. PIER - DAY 10 LONG SHOT THRU THE WINDSHIELD OF A CAR The sailboat docked at the end of a marina. Osbourne is pushing the old man in a wheel chair down the pier away from the boat. A MAN'S VOICE We've seen this... 11 INT. LAW FIRM - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY 11 THE MAN White hair, bushy eyebrows, a florid face. He is in a law- book lined conference room. He wears an expensive suit, suspenders, a white shirt with blue collar and cuffs. He is Bogus Terikhian. TERIKHIAN ... I know this kind of man. We've seen this. 13. Wider on the conference room shows that Katie Cox sits at the table, along with Terikhian, another lawyer, and an assistant. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Mrs. Cox, you can't let this man take advantage of you. And he will. He will. KATIE Yes. This is my fear. He's trying---- he says----he's trying to pull himself together, but... TERIKHIAN Look, sure, I----I'm obliged to tell you you should try to salvage things. And you should. People turn themselves around. Not unheard-of. But. You---- you haven't broached the possibility of divorce yet? KATIE No. TERIKHIAN Well that's good. Because first you should get all his financials. Before he's forewarned. Because here's a man, here's a man, practiced in deceit, this is almost, you could say it's his job, practiced at hiding things, and there is no reason, it is not improper, there is no reason for you not to get a picture of the household finances. Paper files, computer files, whatever----this is your prerogative. You can be a spy too, madam. Do this before you put him on alert. Before the turtle can draw in his head and his, uh... He waggles his hands, groping for the word. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Feet. He shrugs. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... And hopefully everything will work out. He will reform. But! If not: forewarned is forearmed. 14. 12 INT. COX HOUSE - DAY 12 Osbourne is splayed on an easy chair, wearing a bathrobe over pyjamas. He stares at the ceiling, motionless, arms out- flung, like Marat in his bathtub. A long still beat. A clock ticks. Abruptly Osbourne raises one hand to speak into a microcassette recorder. OSBOURNE We were young and committed and there was nothing we couldn't do. We thought of the Agency less as... less as... The thought, such as it was, peters out. Osbourne rises and wanders around the room, glassy-eyed. He suddenly raises the microcassette again. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... The principles of George Kennan----a personal hero of mine----were what animated us. In fact they were what had originally inspired me to enter government service. Like the State Department's China Hands of yore, or, in a different forum, in a different venue, in a different medium, in, um... "Murrow's Boys," the fabled----in a different---- He suddenly stops, head cocked, listening. Faintly, a ringing phone. 13 INT. COX BASEMENT STAIRWAY - DAY 13 At the cut Osbourne is thundering down a steep carpeted stairway. He inclines his head to clear the ceiling that juts over the bottom half of the stairwell. The phone is louder here. 14 INT. COX BASEMENT - DAY 14 A semi-finished basement with cheap paneling and a low dropped ceiling of water-stained Johnson-Armstrong tile. The ringing phone is on a cheap government-surplus desk. The answering machine, with Osbourne's voice, picks up: 15. MACHINE You have reached The Cox Group... Osbourne, robe flapping, shuffles hurriedly in his slippered feet toward the phone. MACHINE (CONT'D) ... We can't answer your call right now. Please leave a---- OSBOURNE (heavy breathing) Hello. He eases into the chair, having swiped up the phone. A listening beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Yes?... Oh, no... No, call her number... No, upstairs...No she's not, but leave it on her machine. 15 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY - LATER 15 We are looking over Osbourne's shoulder----he is still in his robe----as he sits hunched on an ottoman, looking at a daytime game show. A few beats of the show. Roaring laughter from the studio audience. Mild chuckle from Osbourne in the foreground. 16 INT LIVING ROOM - DAY - STILL LATER 16 Ticking clock. Osbourne paces with the microcassette recorder. He raises it with a thought, draws a breath, and then stops, and looks off. The ticking grandfather clock: ornate hands on an ornate clock face Two or three minutes to five. Osbourne stares for a long beat. 17 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 17 OSBOURNE Shoulders twisting as we hear ice clattering out of a tray. He pours coke sizzling onto the ice. 16. He pauses for a long beat. He takes a bottle of rum out of a cabinet. He pours some into a hatch-marked shot glass. He looks at it. The amber liquid tops the hatch mark. He conscientiously pours the overage back, murmuring: OSBOURNE Single... He dumps the shot into the Coke. 18 EXT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 18 As before, the boat, docked at the end of the marina pier, is seen in long shot through the windshield of a car. Closer on the boat. As water laps against pilings and the boat gently bobs and creaks, we hear, muffled, the sounds of a couple having sex. When it builds to climax we cut: 19 INT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 19 Minutes later. We hold on a door for a quiet beat, then we hear the gurgle of water, and then the door opens. Harry Pfarrer emerges from the small bathroom, buckling his belt. In the bedroom which he emerges into Katie Cox is just finishing dressing. Harry looks at his watch. HARRY I should try to get a run in. 20 INT. COX HOUSE - DUSK 20 Katie is letting herself in. KATIE Ozzie! Quiet. 21 INT. KITCHEN - DUSK 21 Katie enters and sees a note on the counter paperweighted by a plate of used lime wedges: 17. Honey, At Fenninger's. Reunion committee dinner. See you later. 22 EXT. POTOMAC BRIDGE - DUSK 22 Long-lens, hand-held, point-of-view seeming: Harry Pfarrer is jogging in his Treasury sweats. Closer on him. Brow furrows. He spins, jogs backwards, looking. His point-of-view: nothing unusual; traffic on the bridge, no pedestrians particularly close. Harry, mildly puzzled, slows and stops. He turns again. Point-of-view up the bridge: empty. Harry starts jogging again. 23 INT. COX BASEMENT - NIGHT 23 We are tracking toward the desk in the corner, at which Katie sits. She cracks open a CD case and loads the CD into Osbourne's computer. A suspense drone builds as we track in. Katie starts typing, then suddenly stops. She holds still, listening for noises in the house. Nothing. She resumes typing. We hear male voices beginning to swell in song. The voices continue after the suspense drone snaps off, at the cut to: 24 INT. FENNINGER'S - NIGHT 24 A musty steakhouse. On the walls are hunting-scene prints and steel engravings of English country houses. A placard resting on a chair outside the Georgian Room: CLOSED FOR PRIVATE PARTY. From inside the room, male voices: VOICES Tune every heart and every voice... 18. 25 INT. FENNINGER'S - GEORGIAN ROOM - NIGHT 25 A dozen middle-aged men around a long table, each holding high a glass. MEN ... Bid every care withdraw. Let all with one accord rejoice... The men are sweaty, tie-loosened, dinner-stuffed and boozy. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau... Close on Osbourne as a rotund middle-aged classmate fills his glass to brimming. The two sway unsteadily with the music.. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau my boys, Hoo-rah, hoo-rah, hoorah! All swing their glasses side-to-side in rhythm: MEN (CONT'D) ... Her sons... shall give... while they... shall live... Glasses are thrust high with a ringing finish: MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau! 26 INT. EXAM ROOM - DAY 26 A WOMAN'S ASS Bare. Pale. Middle-aged. Someone with a marker is drawing on the flesh to illustrate: DOCTOR (OFF) We take all the chicken fat off your buttocks, here... and here... And the upper arms. And a little off your tummy... The camera is arcing around a standing, naked, middle-aged woman, to reveal the doctor sitting on a stool in the examining room, facing her. He reaches forward again with the marker. 19. DOCTOR (OFF) (CONT'D) ...And we do breast augmentation with a tiny incision here... and here. PATIENT (OFF) Uh-huh. And what about the thigh area? DOCTOR Well we can do liposuction there as well, but that area will respond to exercise. Buttocks and upper arms begin to store more fat when you get up around forty, the body just tells it to go there, but the thighs will respond to toning exercises. PATIENT Uh-huh. I know, I can work out on my arms til the cows come home, but... DOCTOR Uh-huh. And of course there are also genetic factors. PATIENT The Litzkes are big. DOCTOR Uh-huh, well everything's---- PATIENT My mom had an ass that could pull a bus. DOCTOR Wow. Well that's a predispo---- PATIENT Father's side too, although Dad tends to carry his weight in front of him. DOCTOR Uh-huh. PATIENT In the gut area. Derriere, not so much. DOCTOR Okay. The continuing track around is also booming up to reveal the face of the patient, Linda Litzke. 20. LINDA And what about the face, you know, the window to the soul. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Very well put. Well your eyes are one of your best features. But we can do something about the incipient crow's feet. LINDA Baby crow's feet. Little chickling's feet. I mean chicks. Chickie chickie chickie. DOCTOR Ha-ha, yes, again, well put. You have a way with words. We cut here... He marks. DOCTOR (CONT'D) ... And we pull the skin tight, like stretching the skin over a drum. Not too tight, though. We don't want that "worked-on" look. You need sufficient slack for the face to remain expressive. LINDA Yeah, I don't wanna look like Boris Karloff. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Heh-heh, so you don't want a sex change! LINDA No, I'm all woman! 27 INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY 27 Doctor and patient, now dressed, sit on either side of a desk. DOCTOR So Linda, what we're talking about here is four different procedures. (ticks them off) The liposuction... The rhinoplasty... The facial tuck, which I would strongly recommend over the chemical peel---- 21. LINDA Yeah, I don't want to get anything burned off. DOCTOR And why should you. With that lovely skin. And lastly, the breast augmentation. Now we can also do something about the vaccine scar----I don't know if you wear sleeveless dresses much---- LINDA Not with these ham hocks! DOCTOR Yes, well once they're nice and svelte, post-op, you---- LINDA Well I don't know. Is the vaccine thing----can you counsel me on this? I don't know, is it unsightly? I see it a lot, a bunch of people have it. DOCTOR Absolutely! Some women don't mind it at all! Personal taste! 28 INT. HARDBODIES - DAY 28 Linda Litzke, in a Hardbodies polo shirt with "Linda" stitched on the breast, leans out of her semi-enclosed office on the gym floor. LINDA Chad! 29 INT. HARDBODIES - GYM FLOOR - DAY 29 Chad Feldheimer, trainer, fortyish and well-muscled, has a gym patron up on a table and is helping him stretch a leg back. PATRON Ow! CHAD I'm sorry, was that too much? 22. PATRON I felt a straining... a tightness in the... in the front of my ass... CHAD Well you're pretty tight. You have to feel it or---- LINDA (on the public address) Chad Feldheimer. Office. CHAD I'll be back in a minute. We'll work on opening those hips. 30 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY 30 Linda is tapping at her computer as Chad enters. LINDA I got a batch from BeWithMeDC dot com. Chad perches on the desk, chewing gum as he gazes at the screen. CHAD Oh wow. Any good? LINDA I don't know yet, just looking... How do you open this? CHAD Click on, uh... yeah... LINDA Oh my god! CHAD What? LINDA Oh my God, what a loser! She clicks. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser! She clicks. Chad is laughing. Linda scowls. 23. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser!... What is this! They should call this Mr. Saggy dot com. CHAD Cripes. LINDA Loser! CHAD Did you have to send a picture? LINDA No, only guys do. I submitted a verbal profile, turn-ons, turn-offs, et cetera. I'm really looking for someone with a sense of humor. CHAD That guy----wait----that guy wasn't bad. LINDA Him? CHAD No, before. LINDA Him? CHAD Yeah. He uh, he might not be a loser. LINDA How can you tell? CHAD That's a Brioni suit. LINDA Oh yeah? CHAD Shit yeah. LINDA (dubious) Does he look like he has a sense of humor? CHAD He looks like his optometrist has a sense of humor. 24. Linda slaps his arm. CHAD (CONT'D) ... Huh-huh-huh. What does he do? LINDA State Department. CHAD That's cool. LINDA His hair is... what is that? CHAD Plugs. 31 INT. GYM - NEXT DAY 31 Linda is showing someone around the floor. LINDA This is the cardio area. A lot of machines here so that, believe me, there's never a wait. What you're seeing now, this is our busiest time, and there's still a couple of open treadmills I see, three Stairmasters---- I call it the Butt-Blaster----couple of LifeCycles----Hi, Chad. Chad is working with a medicine ball and a heavy young woman. CHAD Hi Linda. Did you call that guy? LINDA Not yet! Chad is one of our trainers. I've just started internet dating and I got my first look at the, uh... CUSTOMER What service? LINDA BeWithMeDC dot com? CUSTOMER Nice. LINDA Have you used them? 25. CUSTOMER No----two friends did and they're both hooked up. With really special guys. LINDA That's fantastic. 32 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - LATER 32 Linda is leaning forward at her desk, phone wedged between ear and shoulder, one hand up at her forehead. After a long still beat: LINDA Yes! Another still beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... English! Beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Agent! Beat. LINDA DRIVING ... Agent! Agent! Beat. LINDA ... Yes, hi, this is Linda Litzke, should I give you my account number? You have it up? Okay. I was informed that I needed pre-approval for these surgeries, and then... Yes, it was denied. Listening, then: LINDA (CONT'D) ...No, those are four different operations... It's very complicated; I'm reinventing myself, it's a whole new look so it isn't just one thing, however, it's all approved by my doctor... But----madam! This is not----my job involves, you know, public interface! This is not... 26. Her jaw sets. She controls her fury. Quieter: LINDA (CONT'D) ... Yes I do understand. Could I speak to your supervisor please? 33 INT. TED'S OFFICE/LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY - MINUTES LATER 33 We are on a long lens point-of-view, from several cubicles over, of Linda, now slumped at her desk, head in her arms. We faintly hear her sobbing. Reverse shows Ted Treffon, middle-aged, balding, the soulful manager of Hardbodies. He looks at Linda, puzzled and a little alarmed. He tenses as if to rise but doesn't, and hovers uncomfortably, unsure of whether to intrude. 34 EXT. WASHINGTON MALL - DAY 34 Linda walks down the promenade dressed in a smart pant suit. Her moving POV passes over a couple in conversation, an old woman feeding the birds, a man in a business suit reading a newspaper. She passes the man and turns around. He has looked up from the paper and is staring at her. He wears aviator-shaped glasses with clear plastic rims. He may have hair plugs. LINDA Alan? MAN (ALAN) Are you, uh... Linda? 35 EXT. CIRCLE THEATRE - DUSK 35 A poster advertises Totally Stoked! with Dermot Mulroney and Claire Danes. 36 INT. THEATRE - NIGHT 36 On the screen, Dermot Mulroney, dressed in a tuxedo, cranes his head to look steeply up and off. Linda sits next to Alan in the half-empty theatre, nervously watching the screen. 27. DERMOT (OFF) First you tell me that you can't commit, then you----WOULD YOU GET DOWN FROM THERE! Linda laughs raucously, then catches herself and looks at Alan. 37 INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT 37 The couple sit across from each other at a small table. They pick at their food. 38 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - NIGHT 38 The couple are making love in the dark room on a frilly comforter. Alan, still wearing his glasses, wheezes asthmatically. 39 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - LATER 39 Alan is snoring. After a long beat Linda gets up and puts on a robe. She bends down near the bed and picks something up out of Alan's trousers. 40 INT. LINDA'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 40 She sits into a chair near the window in the dark room and opens Alan's wallet. A Discover card, driver's license, a condom. A photograph of Alan holding a large bluefish. She unfolds a piece of notepaper. Written in a feminine hand in pencil: Please pick up: Plunge Honey Nut Cheerios. LINDA Oh for Pete's sake! She catches herself, looks around. The snoring, off, continues. She looks out the window. The lights of the freeway twinkle. 28. 41 INT. YACHT - NIGHT 41 We are in the bedroom. The boat rides gently at anchor. Harry has an arm around Katie, in bed. Both stare at a point in space. After a beat that is silent except for the faint sloshing of water against hull: HARRY ... and then, you know, you grow up. I guess that's what's happened with me. You just... people change. We married when I was, what, in my mid- twenties. A kid. We were kids. Twenties. You think it's forever. Then, you know, you're older----you begin to feel your mortality, you start to think, well, there's no more

then----

How many times the word 'then----' appears in the text?

Burn After Reading Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS BURN AFTER READING Written by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen FADE IN 1 EXT. EASTERN SEABOARD - AERIALS - DAY 1 High in the air----so high we an see the curvature of the earth. The eastern seaboard stretches away, flecked with clouds. As we dissolve in closer the picture bleaches of color. We are looking down at the city of Washington, D.C. Dissolve closer still: a black-and-white aerial photograph of a neighborhood in suburban D.C. dominated by a sprawling building. Computer type quickly bleeps on: C.I.A. Headquarters Langley, Virginia 2 INT. CIA - HALLWAY - DAY 2 We track at floor level, following the well shined shoes of someone walking down the well polished hallway. 3 INT. PALMER'S OFFICE - DAY 3 We hear a door opening and a silver-haired man rises behind his desk. A nameplate on the desk identifies him as Palmer DeBakey Smith. PALMER Ozzie. Sit down. Osbourne Cox, entering, is a middle-aged man in a striped shirt and bow tie. OSBOURNE Palmer. What's up. PALMER You know Peck, and Olson. The two men, sitting on chairs facing the desk, nod at Osbourne, who is surprised to see them. OSBOURNE Peck, yes, hiya. Olson, by reputation. Hi, Osbourne Cox. OLSON Yeah, hiyah. 2. OSBOURNE Aren't you with...aren't you, uh... Palmer jumps in: PALMER Yeah, that's right. Oz, look. There's no easy way to say this. We're taking you off the Balkans desk. OSBOURNE You're----what? Why? PALMER In fact we're moving you out of Sigint entirely. OSBOURNE ...What? No discussion, just----you're out? PALMER Well, we're having the discussion now Oz. This doesn't have to be unpleasant. OSBOURNE Palmer, with all due respect----what the fuck are you talking about? A beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... And why is Olson here? Another uncomfortable beat. PALMER ... Look, Ozzie---- OSBOURNE What the fuck is this?! Is it my----I know it's not my work. PALMER Ozzie---- OSBOURNE I'm a great fucking analyst! Is it---- PALMER Oz, things are not going well. As you know. 3. PECK You have a drinking problem. Stunned silence. Ozzie turns to look at Peck. At length: OSBOURNE I have a drinking problem. PALMER This doesn't have to be unpleasant. We found you something in State. It's a, uh... He gropes, uncomfortable. PALMER (CONT'D) ... It's a lower clearance level. Yes. But we're not, this isn't, we're not terminating you. OSBOURNE (quietly) This is an assault. PECK Come on, Ozzie. OSBOURNE This is an assault. I have a drinking problem? Fuck you, Peck, you're a Mormon! PECK Ozzie---- OSBOURNE Next to you we all have a drinking problem! Fuck you guys! Whose ass didn't I kiss? Let's be honest! Palmer nods at Olson. PALMER Okay, Olson---- OSBOURNE Let's be fucking honest... Osbourne gets to his feet, agitated. 4. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... This is a crucifixion! This is political! Don't tell me it's not! He storms out the door. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I have a drinking problem! The door slams. Palmer Smith looks at Olson. Olson arches an eyebrow. 4 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 4 OSBOURNE Bow tie loosened, he stands at a kitchen counter. His shoulders twist as he does something below frame: we hear the crackle of ice cubes wrenching loose from a tray. Behind him we see the apartment door opening. Katie, an attractive middle-aged woman, enters, taking her key out of the door, but stops, surprised to see Osbourne. KATIE You're home. Osbourne continues making himself a drink. OSBOURNE Hang on to your hat, honey. I have some news. I---- KATIE Did you pick up the cheeses? OSBOURNE Huh? KATIE Were they ready? I didn't know you were coming home this early. OSBOURNE (blank) The cheeses. Katie rolls her eyes. 5. KATIE I left a message for you to stop at Todaro's. The Magruders and the Pfarrers are coming over. OSBOURNE The Pfarrers? Ugh. I----what did Kathleen say? KATIE What? OSBOURNE When you left the message? KATIE She said. She would give you. The message. OSBOURNE Well she, I don't know, I guess we had bigger news today. My day didn't revolve arou---- KATIE So you didn't get the cheeses. OSBOURNE Well, since I didn't get the message, no, I didn't get the cheeses. But hang on to your hat, I---- KATIE Oh for fuck's sake, Ozzie, you mean I have to go out again? All right, well, you better get dressed. OSBOURNE Honey, we have to talk. KATIE Not right now. They'll be here in, what, less than an hour. 5 INT. COX LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 5 A hand hovers, hesitates. VOICE Is this a, uh, goat cheese? OSBOURNE (OFF) Chevre, yes, that is a goat cheese. Pink Revision 8/14/07 6. Wider shows the cocktail party, meagerly attended but in full swing. Besides Osbourne and Katie there is Harry Pfarrer (who has just inquired about the cheese), bearded, forties, rugged; his wife Sandy; and a shiny-faced young couple, Doug and Tina Magruder. Osbourne holds a cocktail tumbler. HARRY Because I have lactose reflux. But I can---- OSBOURNE You're lactose intolerant? HARRY Yes, but I can---- OSBOURNE Or you have acid reflux? They're two different things. Harry looks at him coldly. HARRY I know what they are. OSBOURNE Then you misspoke yourself. So I---- HARRY Thank you for correcting me. KATIE You should try the chevre, Harry. It's very good. HARRY Yeah. I can eat goat cheese. He eats a piece, cupping one hand under his mouth. HARRY (CONT'D) ... I was just explaining to your husband here, I have a condition---- Katie tries to separate the two men by including Doug Magruder. KATIE Harry works with the Marshalls' * Service. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 6A. DOUG MAGRUDER Ah. I'm on the legislative side, I * work with Senator Hobby. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 7. HARRY * Used to work for Treasury, but I * didn't go over to Homeland Security. * I'm with the Marshalls. * OSBOURNE If you want he'll show you his great big gun. HARRY Very amusing. The gun is actually no big deal. Twenty years in the marshall's service and I've never discharged my weapon. OSBOURNE Sounds like something you should be telling your psychiatrist. HARRY What? I don't have a psychiatrist. DOUG MAGRUDER Boy, I guess my job is pretty undramatic. I'm on the legislative side. What do you do Mrs. Pfarrer? Do you also carry a gun? Harry laughs. HARRY Sandy writes children's books. SANDY I write children's books---- HARRY Oliver The Cat Who...Who..arghh----Who---- Choking on piece of cheese, coughing HARRY (CONT'D) ...Who Lives In The Rotunda. Excuse me. TINA Those are wonderful! My nieces and nephews---- 8. HARRY Yeah, it's a beloved series. You wouldn't believe her fan mail. Unghh. Are you sure this is goat cheese? KATIE Why don't you let your wife tell them about her own books, Harry? HARRY I'm sorry----was I---- KATIE Here, come in the kitchen, help me with the crudit s. 6 INT. COX KITCHEN - NIGHT 6 They enter. HARRY Goddamnit. He knows, doesn't he. He looks down at the floor. He stamps. HARRY (CONT'D) ... Nice floors. KATIE Knows what? Harry is looking around the kitchen, taking in the fixtures. Absently: HARRY About us, he knows about us. Little prick. KATIE Don't be an ass, he doesn't know a thing. Harry is staring down at the linoleum again. HARRY What is that, forbo? A6 EXT. STREET - NIGHT A6 A car drives by. 9. 7 INT. HARRY'S CAR - NIGHT 7 Harry driving, his wife next to him. A long beat. Finally: HARRY What a horse's ass. SANDY I don't know why we see them. Harry shrugs. HARRY Well, she's all right. SANDY She is a cold, stuck-up bitch. Harry opens his mouth to reply, considers, doesn't. They drive. 8 INT. COX MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT 8 KATIE She is staring, in front of a mirror, face covered in cold cream, one hand arrested on the way up to daub on more. KATIE You quit?! Osbourne is buttoning a pajama top. OSBOURNE Uh-huh. KATIE Well----Thank you for letting me know! OSBOURNE I tried to tell you this afternoon. KATIE You tried? You tried? And then---- what, the aphasia kicked in? OSBOURNE Our guests came. We---- 10. KATIE Why?! For fuck's sake, Ozzie! OSBOURNE I'm just----I don't know. I got so tired. KATIE You're tired. OSBOURNE Tired of swimming against the current. KATIE Uh-huh. OSBOURNE Independent thought is not only not valued there, they resist it, they fight it, the bureaucracy is positively---- KATIE Did you get a pension, or severance or something, or---- OSBOURNE I didn't retire you know, I, I quit. I don't want their benefits. KATIE But I suppose my benefits are all right, I suppose you can live with those, is that the idea? OSBOURNE It's not like that's the only way to make money. KATIE Yes? Yes? What're you gonna do? OSBOURNE I'll do some consulting. KATIE Consulting. OSBOURNE Yes, to help while I----I've always wanted to write. KATIE Write. Write what. 11. OSBOURNE I've been thinking about it. A book, a sort of, sort of memoir. Katie stares at him in the mirror. A beat. She bursts into laughter. 9 EXT. YACHT/AT SEA - DAY 9 THE BRIDGE A small yacht. Osbourne stands at the wheel, a light wind in his face, as the boat sails under motor power. After a beat he moves to the front of the boat. An old man sits on a bench on the prow facing out into the wind. He has snowy hair and a stern Yankee face. He wears a tweed cap. He doesn't much react to Osbourne's approach. OSBOURNE You okay there, Dad? The old man remains silent, staring. Osbourne sits next to him and idly tucks in the plaid blanket resting over the man's knees. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Dad, I left my job at the Agency... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I, uh... I'm sorry. Dad, government service is not what it was when you were in State. Things are different now. I don't know, maybe it's... it's... the Cold War ending; now it seems like it's all bureaucracy and no mission... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I'm writing a memoir. I think it's going to be pretty explosive. But I don't think you'll disapprove. I don't think you'll disapprove. Katie has had trouble accepting it. (MORE) 12. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) But... sometimes there's a higher patriotism, Dad. So we'll... Yes, change is hard. It's hard on Katie. But we'll be okay. We'll be okay. Life is change. This is good. We were all blocked up, Katie and me. This is, this is a blessing in disguise. I'll go into training, you know. Lay off the sauce. Like you did. You managed to do it. Finally. And then I can concentrate on, you know. New beginning. And this'll all have been for the best. Don't you think Dad? The old man stares out into the wind. Osbourne sniffles. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Cold. He taps the old man on the knee and rises. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I guess we should head back. 10 EXT. PIER - DAY 10 LONG SHOT THRU THE WINDSHIELD OF A CAR The sailboat docked at the end of a marina. Osbourne is pushing the old man in a wheel chair down the pier away from the boat. A MAN'S VOICE We've seen this... 11 INT. LAW FIRM - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY 11 THE MAN White hair, bushy eyebrows, a florid face. He is in a law- book lined conference room. He wears an expensive suit, suspenders, a white shirt with blue collar and cuffs. He is Bogus Terikhian. TERIKHIAN ... I know this kind of man. We've seen this. 13. Wider on the conference room shows that Katie Cox sits at the table, along with Terikhian, another lawyer, and an assistant. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Mrs. Cox, you can't let this man take advantage of you. And he will. He will. KATIE Yes. This is my fear. He's trying---- he says----he's trying to pull himself together, but... TERIKHIAN Look, sure, I----I'm obliged to tell you you should try to salvage things. And you should. People turn themselves around. Not unheard-of. But. You---- you haven't broached the possibility of divorce yet? KATIE No. TERIKHIAN Well that's good. Because first you should get all his financials. Before he's forewarned. Because here's a man, here's a man, practiced in deceit, this is almost, you could say it's his job, practiced at hiding things, and there is no reason, it is not improper, there is no reason for you not to get a picture of the household finances. Paper files, computer files, whatever----this is your prerogative. You can be a spy too, madam. Do this before you put him on alert. Before the turtle can draw in his head and his, uh... He waggles his hands, groping for the word. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Feet. He shrugs. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... And hopefully everything will work out. He will reform. But! If not: forewarned is forearmed. 14. 12 INT. COX HOUSE - DAY 12 Osbourne is splayed on an easy chair, wearing a bathrobe over pyjamas. He stares at the ceiling, motionless, arms out- flung, like Marat in his bathtub. A long still beat. A clock ticks. Abruptly Osbourne raises one hand to speak into a microcassette recorder. OSBOURNE We were young and committed and there was nothing we couldn't do. We thought of the Agency less as... less as... The thought, such as it was, peters out. Osbourne rises and wanders around the room, glassy-eyed. He suddenly raises the microcassette again. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... The principles of George Kennan----a personal hero of mine----were what animated us. In fact they were what had originally inspired me to enter government service. Like the State Department's China Hands of yore, or, in a different forum, in a different venue, in a different medium, in, um... "Murrow's Boys," the fabled----in a different---- He suddenly stops, head cocked, listening. Faintly, a ringing phone. 13 INT. COX BASEMENT STAIRWAY - DAY 13 At the cut Osbourne is thundering down a steep carpeted stairway. He inclines his head to clear the ceiling that juts over the bottom half of the stairwell. The phone is louder here. 14 INT. COX BASEMENT - DAY 14 A semi-finished basement with cheap paneling and a low dropped ceiling of water-stained Johnson-Armstrong tile. The ringing phone is on a cheap government-surplus desk. The answering machine, with Osbourne's voice, picks up: 15. MACHINE You have reached The Cox Group... Osbourne, robe flapping, shuffles hurriedly in his slippered feet toward the phone. MACHINE (CONT'D) ... We can't answer your call right now. Please leave a---- OSBOURNE (heavy breathing) Hello. He eases into the chair, having swiped up the phone. A listening beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Yes?... Oh, no... No, call her number... No, upstairs...No she's not, but leave it on her machine. 15 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY - LATER 15 We are looking over Osbourne's shoulder----he is still in his robe----as he sits hunched on an ottoman, looking at a daytime game show. A few beats of the show. Roaring laughter from the studio audience. Mild chuckle from Osbourne in the foreground. 16 INT LIVING ROOM - DAY - STILL LATER 16 Ticking clock. Osbourne paces with the microcassette recorder. He raises it with a thought, draws a breath, and then stops, and looks off. The ticking grandfather clock: ornate hands on an ornate clock face Two or three minutes to five. Osbourne stares for a long beat. 17 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 17 OSBOURNE Shoulders twisting as we hear ice clattering out of a tray. He pours coke sizzling onto the ice. 16. He pauses for a long beat. He takes a bottle of rum out of a cabinet. He pours some into a hatch-marked shot glass. He looks at it. The amber liquid tops the hatch mark. He conscientiously pours the overage back, murmuring: OSBOURNE Single... He dumps the shot into the Coke. 18 EXT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 18 As before, the boat, docked at the end of the marina pier, is seen in long shot through the windshield of a car. Closer on the boat. As water laps against pilings and the boat gently bobs and creaks, we hear, muffled, the sounds of a couple having sex. When it builds to climax we cut: 19 INT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 19 Minutes later. We hold on a door for a quiet beat, then we hear the gurgle of water, and then the door opens. Harry Pfarrer emerges from the small bathroom, buckling his belt. In the bedroom which he emerges into Katie Cox is just finishing dressing. Harry looks at his watch. HARRY I should try to get a run in. 20 INT. COX HOUSE - DUSK 20 Katie is letting herself in. KATIE Ozzie! Quiet. 21 INT. KITCHEN - DUSK 21 Katie enters and sees a note on the counter paperweighted by a plate of used lime wedges: 17. Honey, At Fenninger's. Reunion committee dinner. See you later. 22 EXT. POTOMAC BRIDGE - DUSK 22 Long-lens, hand-held, point-of-view seeming: Harry Pfarrer is jogging in his Treasury sweats. Closer on him. Brow furrows. He spins, jogs backwards, looking. His point-of-view: nothing unusual; traffic on the bridge, no pedestrians particularly close. Harry, mildly puzzled, slows and stops. He turns again. Point-of-view up the bridge: empty. Harry starts jogging again. 23 INT. COX BASEMENT - NIGHT 23 We are tracking toward the desk in the corner, at which Katie sits. She cracks open a CD case and loads the CD into Osbourne's computer. A suspense drone builds as we track in. Katie starts typing, then suddenly stops. She holds still, listening for noises in the house. Nothing. She resumes typing. We hear male voices beginning to swell in song. The voices continue after the suspense drone snaps off, at the cut to: 24 INT. FENNINGER'S - NIGHT 24 A musty steakhouse. On the walls are hunting-scene prints and steel engravings of English country houses. A placard resting on a chair outside the Georgian Room: CLOSED FOR PRIVATE PARTY. From inside the room, male voices: VOICES Tune every heart and every voice... 18. 25 INT. FENNINGER'S - GEORGIAN ROOM - NIGHT 25 A dozen middle-aged men around a long table, each holding high a glass. MEN ... Bid every care withdraw. Let all with one accord rejoice... The men are sweaty, tie-loosened, dinner-stuffed and boozy. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau... Close on Osbourne as a rotund middle-aged classmate fills his glass to brimming. The two sway unsteadily with the music.. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau my boys, Hoo-rah, hoo-rah, hoorah! All swing their glasses side-to-side in rhythm: MEN (CONT'D) ... Her sons... shall give... while they... shall live... Glasses are thrust high with a ringing finish: MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau! 26 INT. EXAM ROOM - DAY 26 A WOMAN'S ASS Bare. Pale. Middle-aged. Someone with a marker is drawing on the flesh to illustrate: DOCTOR (OFF) We take all the chicken fat off your buttocks, here... and here... And the upper arms. And a little off your tummy... The camera is arcing around a standing, naked, middle-aged woman, to reveal the doctor sitting on a stool in the examining room, facing her. He reaches forward again with the marker. 19. DOCTOR (OFF) (CONT'D) ...And we do breast augmentation with a tiny incision here... and here. PATIENT (OFF) Uh-huh. And what about the thigh area? DOCTOR Well we can do liposuction there as well, but that area will respond to exercise. Buttocks and upper arms begin to store more fat when you get up around forty, the body just tells it to go there, but the thighs will respond to toning exercises. PATIENT Uh-huh. I know, I can work out on my arms til the cows come home, but... DOCTOR Uh-huh. And of course there are also genetic factors. PATIENT The Litzkes are big. DOCTOR Uh-huh, well everything's---- PATIENT My mom had an ass that could pull a bus. DOCTOR Wow. Well that's a predispo---- PATIENT Father's side too, although Dad tends to carry his weight in front of him. DOCTOR Uh-huh. PATIENT In the gut area. Derriere, not so much. DOCTOR Okay. The continuing track around is also booming up to reveal the face of the patient, Linda Litzke. 20. LINDA And what about the face, you know, the window to the soul. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Very well put. Well your eyes are one of your best features. But we can do something about the incipient crow's feet. LINDA Baby crow's feet. Little chickling's feet. I mean chicks. Chickie chickie chickie. DOCTOR Ha-ha, yes, again, well put. You have a way with words. We cut here... He marks. DOCTOR (CONT'D) ... And we pull the skin tight, like stretching the skin over a drum. Not too tight, though. We don't want that "worked-on" look. You need sufficient slack for the face to remain expressive. LINDA Yeah, I don't wanna look like Boris Karloff. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Heh-heh, so you don't want a sex change! LINDA No, I'm all woman! 27 INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY 27 Doctor and patient, now dressed, sit on either side of a desk. DOCTOR So Linda, what we're talking about here is four different procedures. (ticks them off) The liposuction... The rhinoplasty... The facial tuck, which I would strongly recommend over the chemical peel---- 21. LINDA Yeah, I don't want to get anything burned off. DOCTOR And why should you. With that lovely skin. And lastly, the breast augmentation. Now we can also do something about the vaccine scar----I don't know if you wear sleeveless dresses much---- LINDA Not with these ham hocks! DOCTOR Yes, well once they're nice and svelte, post-op, you---- LINDA Well I don't know. Is the vaccine thing----can you counsel me on this? I don't know, is it unsightly? I see it a lot, a bunch of people have it. DOCTOR Absolutely! Some women don't mind it at all! Personal taste! 28 INT. HARDBODIES - DAY 28 Linda Litzke, in a Hardbodies polo shirt with "Linda" stitched on the breast, leans out of her semi-enclosed office on the gym floor. LINDA Chad! 29 INT. HARDBODIES - GYM FLOOR - DAY 29 Chad Feldheimer, trainer, fortyish and well-muscled, has a gym patron up on a table and is helping him stretch a leg back. PATRON Ow! CHAD I'm sorry, was that too much? 22. PATRON I felt a straining... a tightness in the... in the front of my ass... CHAD Well you're pretty tight. You have to feel it or---- LINDA (on the public address) Chad Feldheimer. Office. CHAD I'll be back in a minute. We'll work on opening those hips. 30 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY 30 Linda is tapping at her computer as Chad enters. LINDA I got a batch from BeWithMeDC dot com. Chad perches on the desk, chewing gum as he gazes at the screen. CHAD Oh wow. Any good? LINDA I don't know yet, just looking... How do you open this? CHAD Click on, uh... yeah... LINDA Oh my god! CHAD What? LINDA Oh my God, what a loser! She clicks. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser! She clicks. Chad is laughing. Linda scowls. 23. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser!... What is this! They should call this Mr. Saggy dot com. CHAD Cripes. LINDA Loser! CHAD Did you have to send a picture? LINDA No, only guys do. I submitted a verbal profile, turn-ons, turn-offs, et cetera. I'm really looking for someone with a sense of humor. CHAD That guy----wait----that guy wasn't bad. LINDA Him? CHAD No, before. LINDA Him? CHAD Yeah. He uh, he might not be a loser. LINDA How can you tell? CHAD That's a Brioni suit. LINDA Oh yeah? CHAD Shit yeah. LINDA (dubious) Does he look like he has a sense of humor? CHAD He looks like his optometrist has a sense of humor. 24. Linda slaps his arm. CHAD (CONT'D) ... Huh-huh-huh. What does he do? LINDA State Department. CHAD That's cool. LINDA His hair is... what is that? CHAD Plugs. 31 INT. GYM - NEXT DAY 31 Linda is showing someone around the floor. LINDA This is the cardio area. A lot of machines here so that, believe me, there's never a wait. What you're seeing now, this is our busiest time, and there's still a couple of open treadmills I see, three Stairmasters---- I call it the Butt-Blaster----couple of LifeCycles----Hi, Chad. Chad is working with a medicine ball and a heavy young woman. CHAD Hi Linda. Did you call that guy? LINDA Not yet! Chad is one of our trainers. I've just started internet dating and I got my first look at the, uh... CUSTOMER What service? LINDA BeWithMeDC dot com? CUSTOMER Nice. LINDA Have you used them? 25. CUSTOMER No----two friends did and they're both hooked up. With really special guys. LINDA That's fantastic. 32 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - LATER 32 Linda is leaning forward at her desk, phone wedged between ear and shoulder, one hand up at her forehead. After a long still beat: LINDA Yes! Another still beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... English! Beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Agent! Beat. LINDA DRIVING ... Agent! Agent! Beat. LINDA ... Yes, hi, this is Linda Litzke, should I give you my account number? You have it up? Okay. I was informed that I needed pre-approval for these surgeries, and then... Yes, it was denied. Listening, then: LINDA (CONT'D) ...No, those are four different operations... It's very complicated; I'm reinventing myself, it's a whole new look so it isn't just one thing, however, it's all approved by my doctor... But----madam! This is not----my job involves, you know, public interface! This is not... 26. Her jaw sets. She controls her fury. Quieter: LINDA (CONT'D) ... Yes I do understand. Could I speak to your supervisor please? 33 INT. TED'S OFFICE/LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY - MINUTES LATER 33 We are on a long lens point-of-view, from several cubicles over, of Linda, now slumped at her desk, head in her arms. We faintly hear her sobbing. Reverse shows Ted Treffon, middle-aged, balding, the soulful manager of Hardbodies. He looks at Linda, puzzled and a little alarmed. He tenses as if to rise but doesn't, and hovers uncomfortably, unsure of whether to intrude. 34 EXT. WASHINGTON MALL - DAY 34 Linda walks down the promenade dressed in a smart pant suit. Her moving POV passes over a couple in conversation, an old woman feeding the birds, a man in a business suit reading a newspaper. She passes the man and turns around. He has looked up from the paper and is staring at her. He wears aviator-shaped glasses with clear plastic rims. He may have hair plugs. LINDA Alan? MAN (ALAN) Are you, uh... Linda? 35 EXT. CIRCLE THEATRE - DUSK 35 A poster advertises Totally Stoked! with Dermot Mulroney and Claire Danes. 36 INT. THEATRE - NIGHT 36 On the screen, Dermot Mulroney, dressed in a tuxedo, cranes his head to look steeply up and off. Linda sits next to Alan in the half-empty theatre, nervously watching the screen. 27. DERMOT (OFF) First you tell me that you can't commit, then you----WOULD YOU GET DOWN FROM THERE! Linda laughs raucously, then catches herself and looks at Alan. 37 INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT 37 The couple sit across from each other at a small table. They pick at their food. 38 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - NIGHT 38 The couple are making love in the dark room on a frilly comforter. Alan, still wearing his glasses, wheezes asthmatically. 39 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - LATER 39 Alan is snoring. After a long beat Linda gets up and puts on a robe. She bends down near the bed and picks something up out of Alan's trousers. 40 INT. LINDA'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 40 She sits into a chair near the window in the dark room and opens Alan's wallet. A Discover card, driver's license, a condom. A photograph of Alan holding a large bluefish. She unfolds a piece of notepaper. Written in a feminine hand in pencil: Please pick up: Plunge Honey Nut Cheerios. LINDA Oh for Pete's sake! She catches herself, looks around. The snoring, off, continues. She looks out the window. The lights of the freeway twinkle. 28. 41 INT. YACHT - NIGHT 41 We are in the bedroom. The boat rides gently at anchor. Harry has an arm around Katie, in bed. Both stare at a point in space. After a beat that is silent except for the faint sloshing of water against hull: HARRY ... and then, you know, you grow up. I guess that's what's happened with me. You just... people change. We married when I was, what, in my mid- twenties. A kid. We were kids. Twenties. You think it's forever. Then, you know, you're older----you begin to feel your mortality, you start to think, well, there's no more

slams

How many times the word 'slams' appears in the text?

Burn After Reading Script at IMSDb. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-3785444-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb) The web's largest movie script resource! Search IMSDb Alphabetical # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Genre Action Adventure Animation Comedy Crime Drama Family Fantasy Film-Noir Horror Musical Mystery Romance Sci-Fi Short Thriller War Western Sponsor TV Transcripts Futurama Seinfeld South Park Stargate SG-1 Lost The 4400 International French scripts Movie Software Rip from DVD Rip Blu-Ray Latest Comments Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10 Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10 Batman Begins9/10 Collateral10/10 Jackie Brown8/10 Movie Chat Message Yell ! ALL SCRIPTS BURN AFTER READING Written by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen FADE IN 1 EXT. EASTERN SEABOARD - AERIALS - DAY 1 High in the air----so high we an see the curvature of the earth. The eastern seaboard stretches away, flecked with clouds. As we dissolve in closer the picture bleaches of color. We are looking down at the city of Washington, D.C. Dissolve closer still: a black-and-white aerial photograph of a neighborhood in suburban D.C. dominated by a sprawling building. Computer type quickly bleeps on: C.I.A. Headquarters Langley, Virginia 2 INT. CIA - HALLWAY - DAY 2 We track at floor level, following the well shined shoes of someone walking down the well polished hallway. 3 INT. PALMER'S OFFICE - DAY 3 We hear a door opening and a silver-haired man rises behind his desk. A nameplate on the desk identifies him as Palmer DeBakey Smith. PALMER Ozzie. Sit down. Osbourne Cox, entering, is a middle-aged man in a striped shirt and bow tie. OSBOURNE Palmer. What's up. PALMER You know Peck, and Olson. The two men, sitting on chairs facing the desk, nod at Osbourne, who is surprised to see them. OSBOURNE Peck, yes, hiya. Olson, by reputation. Hi, Osbourne Cox. OLSON Yeah, hiyah. 2. OSBOURNE Aren't you with...aren't you, uh... Palmer jumps in: PALMER Yeah, that's right. Oz, look. There's no easy way to say this. We're taking you off the Balkans desk. OSBOURNE You're----what? Why? PALMER In fact we're moving you out of Sigint entirely. OSBOURNE ...What? No discussion, just----you're out? PALMER Well, we're having the discussion now Oz. This doesn't have to be unpleasant. OSBOURNE Palmer, with all due respect----what the fuck are you talking about? A beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... And why is Olson here? Another uncomfortable beat. PALMER ... Look, Ozzie---- OSBOURNE What the fuck is this?! Is it my----I know it's not my work. PALMER Ozzie---- OSBOURNE I'm a great fucking analyst! Is it---- PALMER Oz, things are not going well. As you know. 3. PECK You have a drinking problem. Stunned silence. Ozzie turns to look at Peck. At length: OSBOURNE I have a drinking problem. PALMER This doesn't have to be unpleasant. We found you something in State. It's a, uh... He gropes, uncomfortable. PALMER (CONT'D) ... It's a lower clearance level. Yes. But we're not, this isn't, we're not terminating you. OSBOURNE (quietly) This is an assault. PECK Come on, Ozzie. OSBOURNE This is an assault. I have a drinking problem? Fuck you, Peck, you're a Mormon! PECK Ozzie---- OSBOURNE Next to you we all have a drinking problem! Fuck you guys! Whose ass didn't I kiss? Let's be honest! Palmer nods at Olson. PALMER Okay, Olson---- OSBOURNE Let's be fucking honest... Osbourne gets to his feet, agitated. 4. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... This is a crucifixion! This is political! Don't tell me it's not! He storms out the door. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I have a drinking problem! The door slams. Palmer Smith looks at Olson. Olson arches an eyebrow. 4 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 4 OSBOURNE Bow tie loosened, he stands at a kitchen counter. His shoulders twist as he does something below frame: we hear the crackle of ice cubes wrenching loose from a tray. Behind him we see the apartment door opening. Katie, an attractive middle-aged woman, enters, taking her key out of the door, but stops, surprised to see Osbourne. KATIE You're home. Osbourne continues making himself a drink. OSBOURNE Hang on to your hat, honey. I have some news. I---- KATIE Did you pick up the cheeses? OSBOURNE Huh? KATIE Were they ready? I didn't know you were coming home this early. OSBOURNE (blank) The cheeses. Katie rolls her eyes. 5. KATIE I left a message for you to stop at Todaro's. The Magruders and the Pfarrers are coming over. OSBOURNE The Pfarrers? Ugh. I----what did Kathleen say? KATIE What? OSBOURNE When you left the message? KATIE She said. She would give you. The message. OSBOURNE Well she, I don't know, I guess we had bigger news today. My day didn't revolve arou---- KATIE So you didn't get the cheeses. OSBOURNE Well, since I didn't get the message, no, I didn't get the cheeses. But hang on to your hat, I---- KATIE Oh for fuck's sake, Ozzie, you mean I have to go out again? All right, well, you better get dressed. OSBOURNE Honey, we have to talk. KATIE Not right now. They'll be here in, what, less than an hour. 5 INT. COX LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 5 A hand hovers, hesitates. VOICE Is this a, uh, goat cheese? OSBOURNE (OFF) Chevre, yes, that is a goat cheese. Pink Revision 8/14/07 6. Wider shows the cocktail party, meagerly attended but in full swing. Besides Osbourne and Katie there is Harry Pfarrer (who has just inquired about the cheese), bearded, forties, rugged; his wife Sandy; and a shiny-faced young couple, Doug and Tina Magruder. Osbourne holds a cocktail tumbler. HARRY Because I have lactose reflux. But I can---- OSBOURNE You're lactose intolerant? HARRY Yes, but I can---- OSBOURNE Or you have acid reflux? They're two different things. Harry looks at him coldly. HARRY I know what they are. OSBOURNE Then you misspoke yourself. So I---- HARRY Thank you for correcting me. KATIE You should try the chevre, Harry. It's very good. HARRY Yeah. I can eat goat cheese. He eats a piece, cupping one hand under his mouth. HARRY (CONT'D) ... I was just explaining to your husband here, I have a condition---- Katie tries to separate the two men by including Doug Magruder. KATIE Harry works with the Marshalls' * Service. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 6A. DOUG MAGRUDER Ah. I'm on the legislative side, I * work with Senator Hobby. * Pink Revision 8/14/07 7. HARRY * Used to work for Treasury, but I * didn't go over to Homeland Security. * I'm with the Marshalls. * OSBOURNE If you want he'll show you his great big gun. HARRY Very amusing. The gun is actually no big deal. Twenty years in the marshall's service and I've never discharged my weapon. OSBOURNE Sounds like something you should be telling your psychiatrist. HARRY What? I don't have a psychiatrist. DOUG MAGRUDER Boy, I guess my job is pretty undramatic. I'm on the legislative side. What do you do Mrs. Pfarrer? Do you also carry a gun? Harry laughs. HARRY Sandy writes children's books. SANDY I write children's books---- HARRY Oliver The Cat Who...Who..arghh----Who---- Choking on piece of cheese, coughing HARRY (CONT'D) ...Who Lives In The Rotunda. Excuse me. TINA Those are wonderful! My nieces and nephews---- 8. HARRY Yeah, it's a beloved series. You wouldn't believe her fan mail. Unghh. Are you sure this is goat cheese? KATIE Why don't you let your wife tell them about her own books, Harry? HARRY I'm sorry----was I---- KATIE Here, come in the kitchen, help me with the crudit s. 6 INT. COX KITCHEN - NIGHT 6 They enter. HARRY Goddamnit. He knows, doesn't he. He looks down at the floor. He stamps. HARRY (CONT'D) ... Nice floors. KATIE Knows what? Harry is looking around the kitchen, taking in the fixtures. Absently: HARRY About us, he knows about us. Little prick. KATIE Don't be an ass, he doesn't know a thing. Harry is staring down at the linoleum again. HARRY What is that, forbo? A6 EXT. STREET - NIGHT A6 A car drives by. 9. 7 INT. HARRY'S CAR - NIGHT 7 Harry driving, his wife next to him. A long beat. Finally: HARRY What a horse's ass. SANDY I don't know why we see them. Harry shrugs. HARRY Well, she's all right. SANDY She is a cold, stuck-up bitch. Harry opens his mouth to reply, considers, doesn't. They drive. 8 INT. COX MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT 8 KATIE She is staring, in front of a mirror, face covered in cold cream, one hand arrested on the way up to daub on more. KATIE You quit?! Osbourne is buttoning a pajama top. OSBOURNE Uh-huh. KATIE Well----Thank you for letting me know! OSBOURNE I tried to tell you this afternoon. KATIE You tried? You tried? And then---- what, the aphasia kicked in? OSBOURNE Our guests came. We---- 10. KATIE Why?! For fuck's sake, Ozzie! OSBOURNE I'm just----I don't know. I got so tired. KATIE You're tired. OSBOURNE Tired of swimming against the current. KATIE Uh-huh. OSBOURNE Independent thought is not only not valued there, they resist it, they fight it, the bureaucracy is positively---- KATIE Did you get a pension, or severance or something, or---- OSBOURNE I didn't retire you know, I, I quit. I don't want their benefits. KATIE But I suppose my benefits are all right, I suppose you can live with those, is that the idea? OSBOURNE It's not like that's the only way to make money. KATIE Yes? Yes? What're you gonna do? OSBOURNE I'll do some consulting. KATIE Consulting. OSBOURNE Yes, to help while I----I've always wanted to write. KATIE Write. Write what. 11. OSBOURNE I've been thinking about it. A book, a sort of, sort of memoir. Katie stares at him in the mirror. A beat. She bursts into laughter. 9 EXT. YACHT/AT SEA - DAY 9 THE BRIDGE A small yacht. Osbourne stands at the wheel, a light wind in his face, as the boat sails under motor power. After a beat he moves to the front of the boat. An old man sits on a bench on the prow facing out into the wind. He has snowy hair and a stern Yankee face. He wears a tweed cap. He doesn't much react to Osbourne's approach. OSBOURNE You okay there, Dad? The old man remains silent, staring. Osbourne sits next to him and idly tucks in the plaid blanket resting over the man's knees. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Dad, I left my job at the Agency... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I, uh... I'm sorry. Dad, government service is not what it was when you were in State. Things are different now. I don't know, maybe it's... it's... the Cold War ending; now it seems like it's all bureaucracy and no mission... The old man stares out into the wind. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I'm writing a memoir. I think it's going to be pretty explosive. But I don't think you'll disapprove. I don't think you'll disapprove. Katie has had trouble accepting it. (MORE) 12. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) But... sometimes there's a higher patriotism, Dad. So we'll... Yes, change is hard. It's hard on Katie. But we'll be okay. We'll be okay. Life is change. This is good. We were all blocked up, Katie and me. This is, this is a blessing in disguise. I'll go into training, you know. Lay off the sauce. Like you did. You managed to do it. Finally. And then I can concentrate on, you know. New beginning. And this'll all have been for the best. Don't you think Dad? The old man stares out into the wind. Osbourne sniffles. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Cold. He taps the old man on the knee and rises. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... I guess we should head back. 10 EXT. PIER - DAY 10 LONG SHOT THRU THE WINDSHIELD OF A CAR The sailboat docked at the end of a marina. Osbourne is pushing the old man in a wheel chair down the pier away from the boat. A MAN'S VOICE We've seen this... 11 INT. LAW FIRM - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY 11 THE MAN White hair, bushy eyebrows, a florid face. He is in a law- book lined conference room. He wears an expensive suit, suspenders, a white shirt with blue collar and cuffs. He is Bogus Terikhian. TERIKHIAN ... I know this kind of man. We've seen this. 13. Wider on the conference room shows that Katie Cox sits at the table, along with Terikhian, another lawyer, and an assistant. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Mrs. Cox, you can't let this man take advantage of you. And he will. He will. KATIE Yes. This is my fear. He's trying---- he says----he's trying to pull himself together, but... TERIKHIAN Look, sure, I----I'm obliged to tell you you should try to salvage things. And you should. People turn themselves around. Not unheard-of. But. You---- you haven't broached the possibility of divorce yet? KATIE No. TERIKHIAN Well that's good. Because first you should get all his financials. Before he's forewarned. Because here's a man, here's a man, practiced in deceit, this is almost, you could say it's his job, practiced at hiding things, and there is no reason, it is not improper, there is no reason for you not to get a picture of the household finances. Paper files, computer files, whatever----this is your prerogative. You can be a spy too, madam. Do this before you put him on alert. Before the turtle can draw in his head and his, uh... He waggles his hands, groping for the word. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... Feet. He shrugs. TERIKHIAN (CONT'D) ... And hopefully everything will work out. He will reform. But! If not: forewarned is forearmed. 14. 12 INT. COX HOUSE - DAY 12 Osbourne is splayed on an easy chair, wearing a bathrobe over pyjamas. He stares at the ceiling, motionless, arms out- flung, like Marat in his bathtub. A long still beat. A clock ticks. Abruptly Osbourne raises one hand to speak into a microcassette recorder. OSBOURNE We were young and committed and there was nothing we couldn't do. We thought of the Agency less as... less as... The thought, such as it was, peters out. Osbourne rises and wanders around the room, glassy-eyed. He suddenly raises the microcassette again. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... The principles of George Kennan----a personal hero of mine----were what animated us. In fact they were what had originally inspired me to enter government service. Like the State Department's China Hands of yore, or, in a different forum, in a different venue, in a different medium, in, um... "Murrow's Boys," the fabled----in a different---- He suddenly stops, head cocked, listening. Faintly, a ringing phone. 13 INT. COX BASEMENT STAIRWAY - DAY 13 At the cut Osbourne is thundering down a steep carpeted stairway. He inclines his head to clear the ceiling that juts over the bottom half of the stairwell. The phone is louder here. 14 INT. COX BASEMENT - DAY 14 A semi-finished basement with cheap paneling and a low dropped ceiling of water-stained Johnson-Armstrong tile. The ringing phone is on a cheap government-surplus desk. The answering machine, with Osbourne's voice, picks up: 15. MACHINE You have reached The Cox Group... Osbourne, robe flapping, shuffles hurriedly in his slippered feet toward the phone. MACHINE (CONT'D) ... We can't answer your call right now. Please leave a---- OSBOURNE (heavy breathing) Hello. He eases into the chair, having swiped up the phone. A listening beat. OSBOURNE (CONT'D) ... Yes?... Oh, no... No, call her number... No, upstairs...No she's not, but leave it on her machine. 15 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY - LATER 15 We are looking over Osbourne's shoulder----he is still in his robe----as he sits hunched on an ottoman, looking at a daytime game show. A few beats of the show. Roaring laughter from the studio audience. Mild chuckle from Osbourne in the foreground. 16 INT LIVING ROOM - DAY - STILL LATER 16 Ticking clock. Osbourne paces with the microcassette recorder. He raises it with a thought, draws a breath, and then stops, and looks off. The ticking grandfather clock: ornate hands on an ornate clock face Two or three minutes to five. Osbourne stares for a long beat. 17 INT. COX KITCHEN - DAY 17 OSBOURNE Shoulders twisting as we hear ice clattering out of a tray. He pours coke sizzling onto the ice. 16. He pauses for a long beat. He takes a bottle of rum out of a cabinet. He pours some into a hatch-marked shot glass. He looks at it. The amber liquid tops the hatch mark. He conscientiously pours the overage back, murmuring: OSBOURNE Single... He dumps the shot into the Coke. 18 EXT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 18 As before, the boat, docked at the end of the marina pier, is seen in long shot through the windshield of a car. Closer on the boat. As water laps against pilings and the boat gently bobs and creaks, we hear, muffled, the sounds of a couple having sex. When it builds to climax we cut: 19 INT. SAILBOAT - DUSK 19 Minutes later. We hold on a door for a quiet beat, then we hear the gurgle of water, and then the door opens. Harry Pfarrer emerges from the small bathroom, buckling his belt. In the bedroom which he emerges into Katie Cox is just finishing dressing. Harry looks at his watch. HARRY I should try to get a run in. 20 INT. COX HOUSE - DUSK 20 Katie is letting herself in. KATIE Ozzie! Quiet. 21 INT. KITCHEN - DUSK 21 Katie enters and sees a note on the counter paperweighted by a plate of used lime wedges: 17. Honey, At Fenninger's. Reunion committee dinner. See you later. 22 EXT. POTOMAC BRIDGE - DUSK 22 Long-lens, hand-held, point-of-view seeming: Harry Pfarrer is jogging in his Treasury sweats. Closer on him. Brow furrows. He spins, jogs backwards, looking. His point-of-view: nothing unusual; traffic on the bridge, no pedestrians particularly close. Harry, mildly puzzled, slows and stops. He turns again. Point-of-view up the bridge: empty. Harry starts jogging again. 23 INT. COX BASEMENT - NIGHT 23 We are tracking toward the desk in the corner, at which Katie sits. She cracks open a CD case and loads the CD into Osbourne's computer. A suspense drone builds as we track in. Katie starts typing, then suddenly stops. She holds still, listening for noises in the house. Nothing. She resumes typing. We hear male voices beginning to swell in song. The voices continue after the suspense drone snaps off, at the cut to: 24 INT. FENNINGER'S - NIGHT 24 A musty steakhouse. On the walls are hunting-scene prints and steel engravings of English country houses. A placard resting on a chair outside the Georgian Room: CLOSED FOR PRIVATE PARTY. From inside the room, male voices: VOICES Tune every heart and every voice... 18. 25 INT. FENNINGER'S - GEORGIAN ROOM - NIGHT 25 A dozen middle-aged men around a long table, each holding high a glass. MEN ... Bid every care withdraw. Let all with one accord rejoice... The men are sweaty, tie-loosened, dinner-stuffed and boozy. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau... Close on Osbourne as a rotund middle-aged classmate fills his glass to brimming. The two sway unsteadily with the music.. MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau my boys, Hoo-rah, hoo-rah, hoorah! All swing their glasses side-to-side in rhythm: MEN (CONT'D) ... Her sons... shall give... while they... shall live... Glasses are thrust high with a ringing finish: MEN (CONT'D) ... In praise of Old Nassau! 26 INT. EXAM ROOM - DAY 26 A WOMAN'S ASS Bare. Pale. Middle-aged. Someone with a marker is drawing on the flesh to illustrate: DOCTOR (OFF) We take all the chicken fat off your buttocks, here... and here... And the upper arms. And a little off your tummy... The camera is arcing around a standing, naked, middle-aged woman, to reveal the doctor sitting on a stool in the examining room, facing her. He reaches forward again with the marker. 19. DOCTOR (OFF) (CONT'D) ...And we do breast augmentation with a tiny incision here... and here. PATIENT (OFF) Uh-huh. And what about the thigh area? DOCTOR Well we can do liposuction there as well, but that area will respond to exercise. Buttocks and upper arms begin to store more fat when you get up around forty, the body just tells it to go there, but the thighs will respond to toning exercises. PATIENT Uh-huh. I know, I can work out on my arms til the cows come home, but... DOCTOR Uh-huh. And of course there are also genetic factors. PATIENT The Litzkes are big. DOCTOR Uh-huh, well everything's---- PATIENT My mom had an ass that could pull a bus. DOCTOR Wow. Well that's a predispo---- PATIENT Father's side too, although Dad tends to carry his weight in front of him. DOCTOR Uh-huh. PATIENT In the gut area. Derriere, not so much. DOCTOR Okay. The continuing track around is also booming up to reveal the face of the patient, Linda Litzke. 20. LINDA And what about the face, you know, the window to the soul. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Very well put. Well your eyes are one of your best features. But we can do something about the incipient crow's feet. LINDA Baby crow's feet. Little chickling's feet. I mean chicks. Chickie chickie chickie. DOCTOR Ha-ha, yes, again, well put. You have a way with words. We cut here... He marks. DOCTOR (CONT'D) ... And we pull the skin tight, like stretching the skin over a drum. Not too tight, though. We don't want that "worked-on" look. You need sufficient slack for the face to remain expressive. LINDA Yeah, I don't wanna look like Boris Karloff. DOCTOR Uh-huh! Heh-heh, so you don't want a sex change! LINDA No, I'm all woman! 27 INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY 27 Doctor and patient, now dressed, sit on either side of a desk. DOCTOR So Linda, what we're talking about here is four different procedures. (ticks them off) The liposuction... The rhinoplasty... The facial tuck, which I would strongly recommend over the chemical peel---- 21. LINDA Yeah, I don't want to get anything burned off. DOCTOR And why should you. With that lovely skin. And lastly, the breast augmentation. Now we can also do something about the vaccine scar----I don't know if you wear sleeveless dresses much---- LINDA Not with these ham hocks! DOCTOR Yes, well once they're nice and svelte, post-op, you---- LINDA Well I don't know. Is the vaccine thing----can you counsel me on this? I don't know, is it unsightly? I see it a lot, a bunch of people have it. DOCTOR Absolutely! Some women don't mind it at all! Personal taste! 28 INT. HARDBODIES - DAY 28 Linda Litzke, in a Hardbodies polo shirt with "Linda" stitched on the breast, leans out of her semi-enclosed office on the gym floor. LINDA Chad! 29 INT. HARDBODIES - GYM FLOOR - DAY 29 Chad Feldheimer, trainer, fortyish and well-muscled, has a gym patron up on a table and is helping him stretch a leg back. PATRON Ow! CHAD I'm sorry, was that too much? 22. PATRON I felt a straining... a tightness in the... in the front of my ass... CHAD Well you're pretty tight. You have to feel it or---- LINDA (on the public address) Chad Feldheimer. Office. CHAD I'll be back in a minute. We'll work on opening those hips. 30 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY 30 Linda is tapping at her computer as Chad enters. LINDA I got a batch from BeWithMeDC dot com. Chad perches on the desk, chewing gum as he gazes at the screen. CHAD Oh wow. Any good? LINDA I don't know yet, just looking... How do you open this? CHAD Click on, uh... yeah... LINDA Oh my god! CHAD What? LINDA Oh my God, what a loser! She clicks. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser! She clicks. Chad is laughing. Linda scowls. 23. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Loser!... What is this! They should call this Mr. Saggy dot com. CHAD Cripes. LINDA Loser! CHAD Did you have to send a picture? LINDA No, only guys do. I submitted a verbal profile, turn-ons, turn-offs, et cetera. I'm really looking for someone with a sense of humor. CHAD That guy----wait----that guy wasn't bad. LINDA Him? CHAD No, before. LINDA Him? CHAD Yeah. He uh, he might not be a loser. LINDA How can you tell? CHAD That's a Brioni suit. LINDA Oh yeah? CHAD Shit yeah. LINDA (dubious) Does he look like he has a sense of humor? CHAD He looks like his optometrist has a sense of humor. 24. Linda slaps his arm. CHAD (CONT'D) ... Huh-huh-huh. What does he do? LINDA State Department. CHAD That's cool. LINDA His hair is... what is that? CHAD Plugs. 31 INT. GYM - NEXT DAY 31 Linda is showing someone around the floor. LINDA This is the cardio area. A lot of machines here so that, believe me, there's never a wait. What you're seeing now, this is our busiest time, and there's still a couple of open treadmills I see, three Stairmasters---- I call it the Butt-Blaster----couple of LifeCycles----Hi, Chad. Chad is working with a medicine ball and a heavy young woman. CHAD Hi Linda. Did you call that guy? LINDA Not yet! Chad is one of our trainers. I've just started internet dating and I got my first look at the, uh... CUSTOMER What service? LINDA BeWithMeDC dot com? CUSTOMER Nice. LINDA Have you used them? 25. CUSTOMER No----two friends did and they're both hooked up. With really special guys. LINDA That's fantastic. 32 INT. LINDA'S OFFICE - LATER 32 Linda is leaning forward at her desk, phone wedged between ear and shoulder, one hand up at her forehead. After a long still beat: LINDA Yes! Another still beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... English! Beat. LINDA (CONT'D) ... Agent! Beat. LINDA DRIVING ... Agent! Agent! Beat. LINDA ... Yes, hi, this is Linda Litzke, should I give you my account number? You have it up? Okay. I was informed that I needed pre-approval for these surgeries, and then... Yes, it was denied. Listening, then: LINDA (CONT'D) ...No, those are four different operations... It's very complicated; I'm reinventing myself, it's a whole new look so it isn't just one thing, however, it's all approved by my doctor... But----madam! This is not----my job involves, you know, public interface! This is not... 26. Her jaw sets. She controls her fury. Quieter: LINDA (CONT'D) ... Yes I do understand. Could I speak to your supervisor please? 33 INT. TED'S OFFICE/LINDA'S OFFICE - DAY - MINUTES LATER 33 We are on a long lens point-of-view, from several cubicles over, of Linda, now slumped at her desk, head in her arms. We faintly hear her sobbing. Reverse shows Ted Treffon, middle-aged, balding, the soulful manager of Hardbodies. He looks at Linda, puzzled and a little alarmed. He tenses as if to rise but doesn't, and hovers uncomfortably, unsure of whether to intrude. 34 EXT. WASHINGTON MALL - DAY 34 Linda walks down the promenade dressed in a smart pant suit. Her moving POV passes over a couple in conversation, an old woman feeding the birds, a man in a business suit reading a newspaper. She passes the man and turns around. He has looked up from the paper and is staring at her. He wears aviator-shaped glasses with clear plastic rims. He may have hair plugs. LINDA Alan? MAN (ALAN) Are you, uh... Linda? 35 EXT. CIRCLE THEATRE - DUSK 35 A poster advertises Totally Stoked! with Dermot Mulroney and Claire Danes. 36 INT. THEATRE - NIGHT 36 On the screen, Dermot Mulroney, dressed in a tuxedo, cranes his head to look steeply up and off. Linda sits next to Alan in the half-empty theatre, nervously watching the screen. 27. DERMOT (OFF) First you tell me that you can't commit, then you----WOULD YOU GET DOWN FROM THERE! Linda laughs raucously, then catches herself and looks at Alan. 37 INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT 37 The couple sit across from each other at a small table. They pick at their food. 38 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - NIGHT 38 The couple are making love in the dark room on a frilly comforter. Alan, still wearing his glasses, wheezes asthmatically. 39 INT. LINDA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - LATER 39 Alan is snoring. After a long beat Linda gets up and puts on a robe. She bends down near the bed and picks something up out of Alan's trousers. 40 INT. LINDA'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 40 She sits into a chair near the window in the dark room and opens Alan's wallet. A Discover card, driver's license, a condom. A photograph of Alan holding a large bluefish. She unfolds a piece of notepaper. Written in a feminine hand in pencil: Please pick up: Plunge Honey Nut Cheerios. LINDA Oh for Pete's sake! She catches herself, looks around. The snoring, off, continues. She looks out the window. The lights of the freeway twinkle. 28. 41 INT. YACHT - NIGHT 41 We are in the bedroom. The boat rides gently at anchor. Harry has an arm around Katie, in bed. Both stare at a point in space. After a beat that is silent except for the faint sloshing of water against hull: HARRY ... and then, you know, you grow up. I guess that's what's happened with me. You just... people change. We married when I was, what, in my mid- twenties. A kid. We were kids. Twenties. You think it's forever. Then, you know, you're older----you begin to feel your mortality, you start to think, well, there's no more

tired

How many times the word 'tired' appears in the text?

But what did I tell ye? Ye see, the young gentleman's under a misapprehension entirely. Perhaps it'll save broken bones if your lordship explains just who and what I am." Lord Julian advanced a step and bowed perfunctorily and rather disdainfully to that very disdainful but now dumbfounded officer. Pitt, who watched the scene from the quarter-deck rail, tells us that his lordship was as grave as a parson at a hanging. But I suspect this gravity for a mask under which Lord Julian was secretly amused. "I have the honour to inform you, sir," he said stiffly, "that Captain Blood holds a commission in the King's service under the seal of my Lord Sunderland, His Majesty's Secretary of State." Captain Calverley's face empurpled; his eyes bulged. The buccaneers in the background chuckled and crowed and swore among themselves in their relish of this comedy. For a long moment Calverley stared in silence at his lordship, observing the costly elegance of his dress, his air of calm assurance, and his cold, fastidious speech, all of which savoured distinctly of the great world to which he belonged. "And who the devil may you be?" he exploded at last. Colder still and more distant than ever grew his lordship's voice. "You're not very civil, sir, as I have already noticed. My name is Wade--Lord Julian Wade. I am His Majesty's envoy to these barbarous parts, and my Lord Sunderland's near kinsman. Colonel Bishop has been notified of my coming." The sudden change in Calverley's manner at Lord Julian's mention of his name showed that the notification had been received, and that he had knowledge of it. "I... I believe that he has," said Calverley, between doubt and suspicion. "That is: that he has been notified of the coming of Lord Julian Wade. But... but... aboard this ship...?" The officer made a gesture of helplessness, and, surrendering to his bewilderment, fell abruptly silent. "I was coming out on the Royal Mary...." "That is what we were advised." "But the Royal Mary fell a victim to a Spanish privateer, and I might never have arrived at all but for the gallantry of Captain Blood, who rescued me." Light broke upon the darkness of Calverley's mind. "I see. I understand." "I will take leave to doubt it." His lordship's tone abated nothing of its asperity. "But that can wait. If Captain Blood will show you his commission, perhaps that will set all doubts at rest, and we may proceed. I shall be glad to reach Port Royal." Captain Blood thrust a parchment under Calverley's bulging eyes. The officer scanned it, particularly the seals and signature. He stepped back, a baffled, impotent man. He bowed helplessly. "I must return to Colonel Bishop for my orders," he informed them. At that moment a lane was opened in the ranks of the men, and through this came Miss Bishop followed by her octoroon woman. Over his shoulder Captain Blood observed her approach. "Perhaps, since Colonel Bishop is with you, you will convey his niece to him. Miss Bishop was aboard the Royal Mary also, and I rescued her together with his lordship. She will be able to acquaint her uncle with the details of that and of the present state of affairs." Swept thus from surprise to surprise, Captain Calverley could do no more than bow again. "As for me," said Lord Julian, with intent to make Miss Bishop's departure free from all interference on the part of the buccaneers, "I shall remain aboard the Arabella until we reach Port Royal. My compliments to Colonel Bishop. Say that I look forward to making his acquaintance there." CHAPTER XXII. HOSTILITIES In the great harbour of Port Royal, spacious enough to have given moorings to all the ships of all the navies of the world, the Arabella rode at anchor. Almost she had the air of a prisoner, for a quarter of a mile ahead, to starboard, rose the lofty, massive single round tower of the fort, whilst a couple of cables'-length astern, and to larboard, rode the six men-of-war that composed the Jamaica squadron. Abeam with the Arabella, across the harbour, were the flat-fronted white buildings of that imposing city that came down to the very water's edge. Behind these the red roofs rose like terraces, marking the gentle slope upon which the city was built, dominated here by a turret, there by a spire, and behind these again a range of green hills with for ultimate background a sky that was like a dome of polished steel. On a cane day-bed that had been set for him on the quarter-deck, sheltered from the dazzling, blistering sunshine by an improvised awning of brown sailcloth, lounged Peter Blood, a calf-bound, well-thumbed copy of Horace's Odes neglected in his hands. From immediately below him came the swish of mops and the gurgle of water in the scuppers, for it was still early morning, and under the directions of Hayton, the bo'sun, the swabbers were at work in the waist and forecastle. Despite the heat and the stagnant air, one of the toilers found breath to croak a ribald buccaneering ditty: "For we laid her board and board, And we put her to the sword, And we sank her in the deep blue sea. So It's heigh-ho, and heave-a-ho! Who'll sail for the Main with me?" Blood fetched a sigh, and the ghost of a smile played over his lean, sun-tanned face. Then the black brows came together above the vivid blue eyes, and thought swiftly closed the door upon his immediate surroundings. Things had not sped at all well with him in the past fortnight since his acceptance of the King's commission. There had been trouble with Bishop from the moment of landing. As Blood and Lord Julian had stepped ashore together, they had been met by a man who took no pains to dissemble his chagrin at the turn of events and his determination to change it. He awaited them on the mole, supported by a group of officers. "You are Lord Julian Wade, I understand," was his truculent greeting. For Blood at the moment he had nothing beyond a malignant glance. Lord Julian bowed. "I take it I have the honour to address Colonel Bishop, Deputy-Governor of Jamaica." It was almost as if his lordship were giving the Colonel a lesson in deportment. The Colonel accepted it, and belatedly bowed, removing his broad hat. Then he plunged on. "You have granted, I am told, the King's commission to this man." His very tone betrayed the bitterness of his rancour. "Your motives were no doubt worthy... your gratitude to him for delivering you from the Spaniards. But the thing itself is unthinkable, my lord. The commission must be cancelled." "I don't think I understand," said Lord Julian distantly. "To be sure you don't, or you'd never ha' done it. The fellow's bubbled you. Why, he's first a rebel, then an escaped slave, and lastly a bloody pirate. I've been hunting him this year past." "I assure you, sir, that I was fully informed of all. I do not grant the King's commission lightly." "Don't you, by God! And what else do you call this? But as His Majesty's Deputy-Governor of Jamaica, I'll take leave to correct your mistake in my own way." "Ah! And what way may that be?" "There's a gallows waiting for this rascal in Port Royal." Blood would have intervened at that, but Lord Julian forestalled him. "I see, sir, that you do not yet quite apprehend the circumstances. If it is a mistake to grant Captain Blood a commission, the mistake is not mine. I am acting upon the instructions of my Lord Sunderland; and with a full knowledge of all the facts, his lordship expressly designated Captain Blood for this commission if Captain Blood could be persuaded to accept it." Colonel Bishop's mouth fell open in surprise and dismay. "Lord Sunderland designated him?" he asked, amazed. "Expressly." His lordship waited a moment for a reply. None coming from the speechless Deputy-Governor, he asked a question: "Would you still venture to describe the matter as a mistake, sir? And dare you take the risk of correcting it?" "I... I had not dreamed...." "I understand, sir. Let me present Captain Blood." Perforce Bishop must put on the best face he could command. But that it was no more than a mask for his fury and his venom was plain to all. From that unpromising beginning matters had not improved; rather had they grown worse. Blood's thoughts were upon this and other things as he lounged there on the day-bed. He had been a fortnight in Port Royal, his ship virtually a unit now in the Jamaica squadron. And when the news of it reached Tortuga and the buccaneers who awaited his return, the name of Captain Blood, which had stood so high among the Brethren of the Coast, would become a byword, a thing of execration, and before all was done his life might pay forfeit for what would be accounted a treacherous defection. And for what had he placed himself in this position? For the sake of a girl who avoided him so persistently and intentionally that he must assume that she still regarded him with aversion. He had scarcely been vouchsafed a glimpse of her in all this fortnight, although with that in view for his main object he had daily haunted her uncle's residence, and daily braved the unmasked hostility and baffled rancour in which Colonel Bishop held him. Nor was that the worst of it. He was allowed plainly to perceive that it was the graceful, elegant young trifler from St. James's, Lord Julian Wade, to whom her every moment was devoted. And what chance had he, a desperate adventurer with a record of outlawry, against such a rival as that, a man of parts, moreover, as he was bound to admit? You conceive the bitterness of his soul. He beheld himself to be as the dog in the fable that had dropped the substance to snatch at a delusive shadow. He sought comfort in a line on the open page before him: "levius fit patientia quicquid corrigere est nefas." Sought it, but hardly found it. A boat that had approached unnoticed from the shore came scraping and bumping against the great red hull of the Arabella, and a raucous voice sent up a hailing shout. From the ship's belfry two silvery notes rang clear and sharp, and a moment or two later the bo'sun's whistle shrilled a long wail. The sounds disturbed Captain Blood from his disgruntled musings. He rose, tall, active, and arrestingly elegant in a scarlet, gold-laced coat that advertised his new position, and slipping the slender volume into his pocket, advanced to the carved rail of the quarter-deck, just as Jeremy Pitt was setting foot upon the companion. "A note for you from the Deputy-Governor," said the master shortly, as he proffered a folded sheet. Blood broke the seal, and read. Pitt, loosely clad in shirt and breeches, leaned against the rail the while and watched him, unmistakable concern imprinted on his fair, frank countenance. Blood uttered a short laugh, and curled his lip. "It is a very peremptory summons," he said, and passed the note to his friend. The young master's grey eyes skimmed it. Thoughtfully he stroked his golden beard. "You'll not go?" he said, between question and assertion. "Why not? Haven't I been a daily visitor at the fort...?" "But it'll be about the Old Wolf that he wants to see you. It gives him a grievance at last. You know, Peter, that it is Lord Julian alone has stood between Bishop and his hate of you. If now he can show that...." "What if he can?" Blood interrupted carelessly. "Shall I be in greater danger ashore than aboard, now that we've but fifty men left, and they lukewarm rogues who would as soon serve the King as me? Jeremy, dear lad, the Arabella's a prisoner here, bedad, 'twixt the fort there and the fleet yonder. Don't be forgetting that." Jeremy clenched his hands. "Why did ye let Wolverstone and the others go?" he cried, with a touch of bitterness. "You should have seen the danger." "How could I in honesty have detained them? It was in the bargain. Besides, how could their staying have helped me?" And as Pitt did not answer him: "Ye see?" he said, and shrugged. "I'll be getting my hat and cane and sword, and go ashore in the cock-boat. See it manned for me." "Ye're going to deliver yourself into Bishop's hands," Pitt warned him. "Well, well, maybe he'll not find me quite so easy to grasp as he imagines. There's a thorn or two left on me." And with a laugh Blood departed to his cabin. Jeremy Pitt answered the laugh with an oath. A moment he stood irresolute where Blood had left him. Then slowly, reluctance dragging at his feet, he went down the companion to give the order for the cock-boat. "If anything should happen to you, Peter," he said, as Blood was going over the side, "Colonel Bishop had better look to himself. These fifty lads may be lukewarm at present, as you say, but--sink me!--they'll be anything but lukewarm if there's a breach of faith." "And what should be happening to me, Jeremy? Sure, now, I'll be back for dinner, so I will." Blood climbed down into the waiting boat. But laugh though he might, he knew as well as Pitt that in going ashore that morning he carried his life in his hands. Because of this, it may have been that when he stepped on to the narrow mole, in the shadow of the shallow outer wall of the fort through whose crenels were thrust the black noses of its heavy guns, he gave order that the boat should stay for him at that spot. He realized that he might have to retreat in a hurry. Walking leisurely, he skirted the embattled wall, and passed through the great gates into the courtyard. Half-a-dozen soldiers lounged there, and in the shadow cast by the wall, Major Mallard, the Commandant, was slowly pacing. He stopped short at sight of Captain Blood, and saluted him, as was his due, but the smile that lifted the officer's stiff mostachios was grimly sardonic. Peter Blood's attention, however, was elsewhere. On his right stretched a spacious garden, beyond which rose the white house that was the residence of the Deputy-Governor. In that garden's main avenue, that was fringed with palm and sandalwood, he had caught sight of Miss Bishop alone. He crossed the courtyard with suddenly lengthened stride. "Good-morning to ye, ma'am," was his greeting as he overtook her; and hat in hand now, he added on a note of protest: "Sure, it's nothing less than uncharitable to make me run in this heat." "Why do you run, then?" she asked him coolly, standing slim and straight before him, all in white and very maidenly save in her unnatural composure. "I am pressed," she informed him. "So you will forgive me if I do not stay." "You were none so pressed until I came," he protested, and if his thin lips smiled, his blue eyes were oddly hard. "Since you perceive it, sir, I wonder that you trouble to be so insistent." That crossed the swords between them, and it was against Blood's instincts to avoid an engagement. "Faith, you explain yourself after a fashion," said he. "But since it was more or less in your service that I donned the King's coat, you should suffer it to cover the thief and pirate." She shrugged and turned aside, in some resentment and some regret. Fearing to betray the latter, she took refuge in the former. "I do my best," said she. "So that ye can be charitable in some ways!" He laughed softly. "Glory be, now, I should be thankful for so much. Maybe I'm presumptuous. But I can't forget that when I was no better than a slave in your uncle's household in Barbados, ye used me with a certain kindness." "Why not? In those days you had some claim upon my kindness. You were just an unfortunate gentleman then." "And what else would you be calling me now?" "Hardly unfortunate. We have heard of your good fortune on the seas--how your luck has passed into a byword. And we have heard other things: of your good fortune in other directions." She spoke hastily, the thought of Mademoiselle d'Ogeron in her mind. And instantly would have recalled the words had she been able. But Peter Blood swept them lightly aside, reading into them none of her meaning, as she feared he would. "Aye--a deal of lies, devil a doubt, as I could prove to you." "I cannot think why you should trouble to put yourself on your defence," she discouraged him. "So that ye may think less badly of me than you do." "What I think of you can be a very little matter to you, sir." This was a disarming stroke. He abandoned combat for expostulation. "Can ye say that now? Can ye say that, beholding me in this livery of a service I despise? Didn't ye tell me that I might redeem the past? It's little enough I am concerned to redeem the past save only in your eyes. In my own I've done nothing at all that I am ashamed of, considering the provocation I received." Her glance faltered, and fell away before his own that was so intent. "I... I can't think why you should speak to me like this," she said, with less than her earlier assurance. "Ah, now, can't ye, indeed?" he cried. "Sure, then, I'll be telling ye." "Oh, please." There was real alarm in her voice. "I realize fully what you did, and I realize that partly, at least, you may have been urged by consideration for myself. Believe me, I am very grateful. I shall always be grateful." "But if it's also your intention always to think of me as a thief and a pirate, faith, ye may keep your gratitude for all the good it's like to do me." A livelier colour crept into her cheeks. There was a perceptible heave of the slight breast that faintly swelled the flimsy bodice of white silk. But if she resented his tone and his words, she stifled her resentment. She realized that perhaps she had, herself, provoked his anger. She honestly desired to make amends. "You are mistaken," she began. "It isn't that." But they were fated to misunderstand each other. Jealousy, that troubler of reason, had been over-busy with his wits as it had with hers. "What is it, then?" quoth he, and added the question: "Lord Julian?" She started, and stared at him blankly indignant now. "Och, be frank with me," he urged her, unpardonably. "'Twill be a kindness, so it will." For a moment she stood before him with quickened breathing, the colour ebbing and flowing in her cheeks. Then she looked past him, and tilted her chin forward. "You... you are quite insufferable," she said. "I beg that you will let me pass." He stepped aside, and with the broad feathered hat which he still held in his hand, he waved her on towards the house. "I'll not be detaining you any longer, ma'am. After all, the cursed thing I did for nothing can be undone. Ye'll remember afterwards that it was your hardness drove me." She moved to depart, then checked, and faced him again. It was she now who was on her defence, her voice quivering with indignation. "You take that tone! You dare to take that tone!" she cried, astounding him by her sudden vehemence. "You have the effrontery to upbraid me because I will not take your hands when I know how they are stained; when I know you for a murderer and worse?" He stared at her open-mouthed. "A murderer--I?" he said at last. "Must I name your victims? Did you not murder Levasseur?" "Levasseur?" He smiled a little. "So they've told you about that!" "Do you deny it?" "I killed him, it is true. I can remember killing another man in circumstances that were very similar. That was in Bridgetown on the night of the Spanish raid. Mary Traill would tell you of it. She was present." He clapped his hat on his head with a certain abrupt fierceness, and strode angrily away, before she could answer or even grasp the full significance of what he had said. CHAPTER XXIII. HOSTAGES Peter Blood stood in the pillared portico of Government House, and with unseeing eyes that were laden with pain and anger, stared out across the great harbour of Port Royal to the green hills rising from the farther shore and the ridge of the Blue Mountains beyond, showing hazily through the quivering heat. He was aroused by the return of the negro who had gone to announce him, and following now this slave, he made his way through the house to the wide piazza behind it, in whose shade Colonel Bishop and my Lord Julian Wade took what little air there was. "So ye've come," the Deputy-Governor hailed him, and followed the greeting by a series of grunts of vague but apparently ill-humoured import. He did not trouble to rise, not even when Lord Julian, obeying the instincts of finer breeding, set him the example. From under scowling brows the wealthy Barbados planter considered his sometime slave, who, hat in hand, leaning lightly upon his long beribboned cane, revealed nothing in his countenance of the anger which was being steadily nourished by this cavalier reception. At last, with scowling brow and in self-sufficient tones, Colonel Bishop delivered himself. "I have sent for you, Captain Blood, because of certain news that has just reached me. I am informed that yesterday evening a frigate left the harbour having on board your associate Wolverstone and a hundred men of the hundred and fifty that were serving under you. His lordship and I shall be glad to have your explanation of how you came to permit that departure." "Permit?" quoth Blood. "I ordered it." The answer left Bishop speechless for a moment. Then: "You ordered it?" he said in accents of unbelief, whilst Lord Julian raised his eyebrows. "'Swounds! Perhaps you'll explain yourself? Whither has Wolverstone gone?" "To Tortuga. He's gone with a message to the officers commanding the other four ships of the fleet that is awaiting me there, telling them what's happened and why they are no longer to expect me." Bishop's great face seemed to swell and its high colour to deepen. He swung to Lord Julian. "You hear that, my lord? Deliberately he has let Wolverstone loose upon the seas again--Wolverstone, the worst of all that gang of pirates after himself. I hope your lordship begins at last to perceive the folly of granting the King's commission to such a man as this against all my counsels. Why, this thing is... it's just mutiny... treason! By God! It's matter for a court-martial." "Will you cease your blather of mutiny and treason and courts-martial?" Blood put on his hat, and sat down unbidden. "I have sent Wolverstone to inform Hagthorpe and Christian and Yberville and the rest of my lads that they've one clear month in which to follow my example, quit piracy, and get back to their boucans or their logwood, or else sail out of the Caribbean Sea. That's what I've done." "But the men?" his lordship interposed in his level, cultured voice. "This hundred men that Wolverstone has taken with him?" "They are those of my crew who have no taste for King James's service, and have preferred to seek work of other kinds. It was in our compact, my lord, that there should be no constraining of my men." "I don't remember it," said his lordship, with sincerity. Blood looked at him in surprise. Then he shrugged. "Faith, I'm not to blame for your lordship's poor memory. I say that it was so; and I don't lie. I've never found it necessary. In any case ye couldn't have supposed that I should consent to anything different." And then the Deputy-Governor exploded. "You have given those damned rascals in Tortuga this warning so that they may escape! That is what you have done. That is how you abuse the commission that has saved your own neck!" Peter Blood considered him steadily, his face impassive. "I will remind you," he said at last, very quietly, "that the object in view was--leaving out of account your own appetites which, as every one knows, are just those of a hangman--to rid the Caribbean of buccaneers. Now, I've taken the most effective way of accomplishing that object. The knowledge that I've entered the King's service should in itself go far towards disbanding the fleet of which I was until lately the admiral." "I see!" sneered the Deputy-Governor malevolently. "And if it does not?" "It will be time enough then to consider what else is to be done." Lord Julian forestalled a fresh outburst on the part of Bishop. "It is possible," he said, "that my Lord Sunderland will be satisfied, provided that the solution is such as you promise." It was a courteous, conciliatory speech. Urged by friendliness towards Blood and understanding of the difficult position in which the buccaneer found himself, his lordship was disposed to take his stand upon the letter of his instructions. Therefore he now held out a friendly hand to help him over the latest and most difficult obstacle which Blood himself had enabled Bishop to place in the way of his redemption. Unfortunately the last person from whom Peter Blood desired assistance at that moment was this young nobleman, whom he regarded with the jaundiced eyes of jealousy. "Anyway," he answered, with a suggestion of defiance and more than a suggestion of a sneer, "it's the most ye should expect from me, and certainly it's the most ye'll get." His lordship frowned, and dabbed his lips with a handkerchief. "I don't think that I quite like the way you put it. Indeed, upon reflection, Captain Blood, I am sure that I do not." "I am sorry for that, so I am," said Blood impudently. "But there it is. I'm not on that account concerned to modify it." His lordship's pale eyes opened a little wider. Languidly he raised his eyebrows. "Ah!" he said. "You're a prodigiously uncivil fellow. You disappoint me, sir. I had formed the notion that you might be a gentleman." "And that's not your lordship's only mistake," Bishop cut in. "You made a worse when you gave him the King's commission, and so sheltered the rascal from the gallows I had prepared for him in Port Royal." "Aye--but the worst mistake of all in this matter of commissions," said Blood to his lordship, "was the one that trade this greasy slaver Deputy-Governor of Jamaica instead of its hangman, which is the office for which he's by nature fitted." "Captain Blood!" said his lordship sharply in reproof. "Upon my soul and honour, sir, you go much too far. You are...." But here Bishop interrupted him. He had heaved himself to his feet, at last, and was venting his fury in unprintable abuse. Captain Blood, who had also risen, stood apparently impassive, for the storm to spend itself. When at last this happened, he addressed himself quietly to Lord Julian, as if Colonel Bishop had not spoken. "Your lordship was about to say?" he asked, with challenging smoothness. But his lordship had by now recovered his habitual composure, and was again disposed to be conciliatory. He laughed and shrugged. "Faith! here's a deal of unnecessary heat," said he. "And God knows this plaguey climate provides enough of that. Perhaps, Colonel Bishop, you are a little uncompromising; and you, sir, are certainly a deal too peppery. I have said, speaking on behalf of my Lord Sunderland, that I am content to await the result of your experiment." But Bishop's fury had by now reached a stage in which it was not to be restrained. "Are you, indeed?" he roared. "Well, then, I am not. This is a matter in which your lordship must allow me to be the better judge. And, anyhow, I'll take the risk of acting on my own responsibility." Lord Julian abandoned the struggle. He smiled wearily, shrugged, and waved a hand in implied resignation. The Deputy-Governor stormed on. "Since my lord here has given you a commission, I can't regularly deal with you out of hand for piracy as you deserve. But you shall answer before a court-martial for your action in the matter of Wolverstone, and take the consequences." "I see," said Blood. "Now we come to it. And it's yourself as Deputy-Governor will preside over that same court-martial. So that ye can wipe off old scores by hanging me, it's little ye care how ye do it!" He laughed, and added: "Praemonitus, praemunitus." "What shall that mean?" quoth Lord Julian sharply. "I had imagined that your lordship would have had some education." He was at pains, you see, to be provocative. "It's not the literal meaning I am asking, sir," said Lord Julian, with frosty dignity. "I want to know what you desire me to understand?" "I'll leave your lordship guessing," said Blood. "And I'll be wishing ye both a very good day." He swept off his feathered hat, and made them a leg very elegantly. "Before you go," said Bishop, "and to save you from any idle rashness, I'll tell you that the Harbour-Master and the Commandant have their orders. You don't leave Port Royal, my fine gallows bird. Damme, I mean to provide you with permanent moorings here, in Execution Dock." Peter Blood stiffened, and his vivid blue

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But what did I tell ye? Ye see, the young gentleman's under a misapprehension entirely. Perhaps it'll save broken bones if your lordship explains just who and what I am." Lord Julian advanced a step and bowed perfunctorily and rather disdainfully to that very disdainful but now dumbfounded officer. Pitt, who watched the scene from the quarter-deck rail, tells us that his lordship was as grave as a parson at a hanging. But I suspect this gravity for a mask under which Lord Julian was secretly amused. "I have the honour to inform you, sir," he said stiffly, "that Captain Blood holds a commission in the King's service under the seal of my Lord Sunderland, His Majesty's Secretary of State." Captain Calverley's face empurpled; his eyes bulged. The buccaneers in the background chuckled and crowed and swore among themselves in their relish of this comedy. For a long moment Calverley stared in silence at his lordship, observing the costly elegance of his dress, his air of calm assurance, and his cold, fastidious speech, all of which savoured distinctly of the great world to which he belonged. "And who the devil may you be?" he exploded at last. Colder still and more distant than ever grew his lordship's voice. "You're not very civil, sir, as I have already noticed. My name is Wade--Lord Julian Wade. I am His Majesty's envoy to these barbarous parts, and my Lord Sunderland's near kinsman. Colonel Bishop has been notified of my coming." The sudden change in Calverley's manner at Lord Julian's mention of his name showed that the notification had been received, and that he had knowledge of it. "I... I believe that he has," said Calverley, between doubt and suspicion. "That is: that he has been notified of the coming of Lord Julian Wade. But... but... aboard this ship...?" The officer made a gesture of helplessness, and, surrendering to his bewilderment, fell abruptly silent. "I was coming out on the Royal Mary...." "That is what we were advised." "But the Royal Mary fell a victim to a Spanish privateer, and I might never have arrived at all but for the gallantry of Captain Blood, who rescued me." Light broke upon the darkness of Calverley's mind. "I see. I understand." "I will take leave to doubt it." His lordship's tone abated nothing of its asperity. "But that can wait. If Captain Blood will show you his commission, perhaps that will set all doubts at rest, and we may proceed. I shall be glad to reach Port Royal." Captain Blood thrust a parchment under Calverley's bulging eyes. The officer scanned it, particularly the seals and signature. He stepped back, a baffled, impotent man. He bowed helplessly. "I must return to Colonel Bishop for my orders," he informed them. At that moment a lane was opened in the ranks of the men, and through this came Miss Bishop followed by her octoroon woman. Over his shoulder Captain Blood observed her approach. "Perhaps, since Colonel Bishop is with you, you will convey his niece to him. Miss Bishop was aboard the Royal Mary also, and I rescued her together with his lordship. She will be able to acquaint her uncle with the details of that and of the present state of affairs." Swept thus from surprise to surprise, Captain Calverley could do no more than bow again. "As for me," said Lord Julian, with intent to make Miss Bishop's departure free from all interference on the part of the buccaneers, "I shall remain aboard the Arabella until we reach Port Royal. My compliments to Colonel Bishop. Say that I look forward to making his acquaintance there." CHAPTER XXII. HOSTILITIES In the great harbour of Port Royal, spacious enough to have given moorings to all the ships of all the navies of the world, the Arabella rode at anchor. Almost she had the air of a prisoner, for a quarter of a mile ahead, to starboard, rose the lofty, massive single round tower of the fort, whilst a couple of cables'-length astern, and to larboard, rode the six men-of-war that composed the Jamaica squadron. Abeam with the Arabella, across the harbour, were the flat-fronted white buildings of that imposing city that came down to the very water's edge. Behind these the red roofs rose like terraces, marking the gentle slope upon which the city was built, dominated here by a turret, there by a spire, and behind these again a range of green hills with for ultimate background a sky that was like a dome of polished steel. On a cane day-bed that had been set for him on the quarter-deck, sheltered from the dazzling, blistering sunshine by an improvised awning of brown sailcloth, lounged Peter Blood, a calf-bound, well-thumbed copy of Horace's Odes neglected in his hands. From immediately below him came the swish of mops and the gurgle of water in the scuppers, for it was still early morning, and under the directions of Hayton, the bo'sun, the swabbers were at work in the waist and forecastle. Despite the heat and the stagnant air, one of the toilers found breath to croak a ribald buccaneering ditty: "For we laid her board and board, And we put her to the sword, And we sank her in the deep blue sea. So It's heigh-ho, and heave-a-ho! Who'll sail for the Main with me?" Blood fetched a sigh, and the ghost of a smile played over his lean, sun-tanned face. Then the black brows came together above the vivid blue eyes, and thought swiftly closed the door upon his immediate surroundings. Things had not sped at all well with him in the past fortnight since his acceptance of the King's commission. There had been trouble with Bishop from the moment of landing. As Blood and Lord Julian had stepped ashore together, they had been met by a man who took no pains to dissemble his chagrin at the turn of events and his determination to change it. He awaited them on the mole, supported by a group of officers. "You are Lord Julian Wade, I understand," was his truculent greeting. For Blood at the moment he had nothing beyond a malignant glance. Lord Julian bowed. "I take it I have the honour to address Colonel Bishop, Deputy-Governor of Jamaica." It was almost as if his lordship were giving the Colonel a lesson in deportment. The Colonel accepted it, and belatedly bowed, removing his broad hat. Then he plunged on. "You have granted, I am told, the King's commission to this man." His very tone betrayed the bitterness of his rancour. "Your motives were no doubt worthy... your gratitude to him for delivering you from the Spaniards. But the thing itself is unthinkable, my lord. The commission must be cancelled." "I don't think I understand," said Lord Julian distantly. "To be sure you don't, or you'd never ha' done it. The fellow's bubbled you. Why, he's first a rebel, then an escaped slave, and lastly a bloody pirate. I've been hunting him this year past." "I assure you, sir, that I was fully informed of all. I do not grant the King's commission lightly." "Don't you, by God! And what else do you call this? But as His Majesty's Deputy-Governor of Jamaica, I'll take leave to correct your mistake in my own way." "Ah! And what way may that be?" "There's a gallows waiting for this rascal in Port Royal." Blood would have intervened at that, but Lord Julian forestalled him. "I see, sir, that you do not yet quite apprehend the circumstances. If it is a mistake to grant Captain Blood a commission, the mistake is not mine. I am acting upon the instructions of my Lord Sunderland; and with a full knowledge of all the facts, his lordship expressly designated Captain Blood for this commission if Captain Blood could be persuaded to accept it." Colonel Bishop's mouth fell open in surprise and dismay. "Lord Sunderland designated him?" he asked, amazed. "Expressly." His lordship waited a moment for a reply. None coming from the speechless Deputy-Governor, he asked a question: "Would you still venture to describe the matter as a mistake, sir? And dare you take the risk of correcting it?" "I... I had not dreamed...." "I understand, sir. Let me present Captain Blood." Perforce Bishop must put on the best face he could command. But that it was no more than a mask for his fury and his venom was plain to all. From that unpromising beginning matters had not improved; rather had they grown worse. Blood's thoughts were upon this and other things as he lounged there on the day-bed. He had been a fortnight in Port Royal, his ship virtually a unit now in the Jamaica squadron. And when the news of it reached Tortuga and the buccaneers who awaited his return, the name of Captain Blood, which had stood so high among the Brethren of the Coast, would become a byword, a thing of execration, and before all was done his life might pay forfeit for what would be accounted a treacherous defection. And for what had he placed himself in this position? For the sake of a girl who avoided him so persistently and intentionally that he must assume that she still regarded him with aversion. He had scarcely been vouchsafed a glimpse of her in all this fortnight, although with that in view for his main object he had daily haunted her uncle's residence, and daily braved the unmasked hostility and baffled rancour in which Colonel Bishop held him. Nor was that the worst of it. He was allowed plainly to perceive that it was the graceful, elegant young trifler from St. James's, Lord Julian Wade, to whom her every moment was devoted. And what chance had he, a desperate adventurer with a record of outlawry, against such a rival as that, a man of parts, moreover, as he was bound to admit? You conceive the bitterness of his soul. He beheld himself to be as the dog in the fable that had dropped the substance to snatch at a delusive shadow. He sought comfort in a line on the open page before him: "levius fit patientia quicquid corrigere est nefas." Sought it, but hardly found it. A boat that had approached unnoticed from the shore came scraping and bumping against the great red hull of the Arabella, and a raucous voice sent up a hailing shout. From the ship's belfry two silvery notes rang clear and sharp, and a moment or two later the bo'sun's whistle shrilled a long wail. The sounds disturbed Captain Blood from his disgruntled musings. He rose, tall, active, and arrestingly elegant in a scarlet, gold-laced coat that advertised his new position, and slipping the slender volume into his pocket, advanced to the carved rail of the quarter-deck, just as Jeremy Pitt was setting foot upon the companion. "A note for you from the Deputy-Governor," said the master shortly, as he proffered a folded sheet. Blood broke the seal, and read. Pitt, loosely clad in shirt and breeches, leaned against the rail the while and watched him, unmistakable concern imprinted on his fair, frank countenance. Blood uttered a short laugh, and curled his lip. "It is a very peremptory summons," he said, and passed the note to his friend. The young master's grey eyes skimmed it. Thoughtfully he stroked his golden beard. "You'll not go?" he said, between question and assertion. "Why not? Haven't I been a daily visitor at the fort...?" "But it'll be about the Old Wolf that he wants to see you. It gives him a grievance at last. You know, Peter, that it is Lord Julian alone has stood between Bishop and his hate of you. If now he can show that...." "What if he can?" Blood interrupted carelessly. "Shall I be in greater danger ashore than aboard, now that we've but fifty men left, and they lukewarm rogues who would as soon serve the King as me? Jeremy, dear lad, the Arabella's a prisoner here, bedad, 'twixt the fort there and the fleet yonder. Don't be forgetting that." Jeremy clenched his hands. "Why did ye let Wolverstone and the others go?" he cried, with a touch of bitterness. "You should have seen the danger." "How could I in honesty have detained them? It was in the bargain. Besides, how could their staying have helped me?" And as Pitt did not answer him: "Ye see?" he said, and shrugged. "I'll be getting my hat and cane and sword, and go ashore in the cock-boat. See it manned for me." "Ye're going to deliver yourself into Bishop's hands," Pitt warned him. "Well, well, maybe he'll not find me quite so easy to grasp as he imagines. There's a thorn or two left on me." And with a laugh Blood departed to his cabin. Jeremy Pitt answered the laugh with an oath. A moment he stood irresolute where Blood had left him. Then slowly, reluctance dragging at his feet, he went down the companion to give the order for the cock-boat. "If anything should happen to you, Peter," he said, as Blood was going over the side, "Colonel Bishop had better look to himself. These fifty lads may be lukewarm at present, as you say, but--sink me!--they'll be anything but lukewarm if there's a breach of faith." "And what should be happening to me, Jeremy? Sure, now, I'll be back for dinner, so I will." Blood climbed down into the waiting boat. But laugh though he might, he knew as well as Pitt that in going ashore that morning he carried his life in his hands. Because of this, it may have been that when he stepped on to the narrow mole, in the shadow of the shallow outer wall of the fort through whose crenels were thrust the black noses of its heavy guns, he gave order that the boat should stay for him at that spot. He realized that he might have to retreat in a hurry. Walking leisurely, he skirted the embattled wall, and passed through the great gates into the courtyard. Half-a-dozen soldiers lounged there, and in the shadow cast by the wall, Major Mallard, the Commandant, was slowly pacing. He stopped short at sight of Captain Blood, and saluted him, as was his due, but the smile that lifted the officer's stiff mostachios was grimly sardonic. Peter Blood's attention, however, was elsewhere. On his right stretched a spacious garden, beyond which rose the white house that was the residence of the Deputy-Governor. In that garden's main avenue, that was fringed with palm and sandalwood, he had caught sight of Miss Bishop alone. He crossed the courtyard with suddenly lengthened stride. "Good-morning to ye, ma'am," was his greeting as he overtook her; and hat in hand now, he added on a note of protest: "Sure, it's nothing less than uncharitable to make me run in this heat." "Why do you run, then?" she asked him coolly, standing slim and straight before him, all in white and very maidenly save in her unnatural composure. "I am pressed," she informed him. "So you will forgive me if I do not stay." "You were none so pressed until I came," he protested, and if his thin lips smiled, his blue eyes were oddly hard. "Since you perceive it, sir, I wonder that you trouble to be so insistent." That crossed the swords between them, and it was against Blood's instincts to avoid an engagement. "Faith, you explain yourself after a fashion," said he. "But since it was more or less in your service that I donned the King's coat, you should suffer it to cover the thief and pirate." She shrugged and turned aside, in some resentment and some regret. Fearing to betray the latter, she took refuge in the former. "I do my best," said she. "So that ye can be charitable in some ways!" He laughed softly. "Glory be, now, I should be thankful for so much. Maybe I'm presumptuous. But I can't forget that when I was no better than a slave in your uncle's household in Barbados, ye used me with a certain kindness." "Why not? In those days you had some claim upon my kindness. You were just an unfortunate gentleman then." "And what else would you be calling me now?" "Hardly unfortunate. We have heard of your good fortune on the seas--how your luck has passed into a byword. And we have heard other things: of your good fortune in other directions." She spoke hastily, the thought of Mademoiselle d'Ogeron in her mind. And instantly would have recalled the words had she been able. But Peter Blood swept them lightly aside, reading into them none of her meaning, as she feared he would. "Aye--a deal of lies, devil a doubt, as I could prove to you." "I cannot think why you should trouble to put yourself on your defence," she discouraged him. "So that ye may think less badly of me than you do." "What I think of you can be a very little matter to you, sir." This was a disarming stroke. He abandoned combat for expostulation. "Can ye say that now? Can ye say that, beholding me in this livery of a service I despise? Didn't ye tell me that I might redeem the past? It's little enough I am concerned to redeem the past save only in your eyes. In my own I've done nothing at all that I am ashamed of, considering the provocation I received." Her glance faltered, and fell away before his own that was so intent. "I... I can't think why you should speak to me like this," she said, with less than her earlier assurance. "Ah, now, can't ye, indeed?" he cried. "Sure, then, I'll be telling ye." "Oh, please." There was real alarm in her voice. "I realize fully what you did, and I realize that partly, at least, you may have been urged by consideration for myself. Believe me, I am very grateful. I shall always be grateful." "But if it's also your intention always to think of me as a thief and a pirate, faith, ye may keep your gratitude for all the good it's like to do me." A livelier colour crept into her cheeks. There was a perceptible heave of the slight breast that faintly swelled the flimsy bodice of white silk. But if she resented his tone and his words, she stifled her resentment. She realized that perhaps she had, herself, provoked his anger. She honestly desired to make amends. "You are mistaken," she began. "It isn't that." But they were fated to misunderstand each other. Jealousy, that troubler of reason, had been over-busy with his wits as it had with hers. "What is it, then?" quoth he, and added the question: "Lord Julian?" She started, and stared at him blankly indignant now. "Och, be frank with me," he urged her, unpardonably. "'Twill be a kindness, so it will." For a moment she stood before him with quickened breathing, the colour ebbing and flowing in her cheeks. Then she looked past him, and tilted her chin forward. "You... you are quite insufferable," she said. "I beg that you will let me pass." He stepped aside, and with the broad feathered hat which he still held in his hand, he waved her on towards the house. "I'll not be detaining you any longer, ma'am. After all, the cursed thing I did for nothing can be undone. Ye'll remember afterwards that it was your hardness drove me." She moved to depart, then checked, and faced him again. It was she now who was on her defence, her voice quivering with indignation. "You take that tone! You dare to take that tone!" she cried, astounding him by her sudden vehemence. "You have the effrontery to upbraid me because I will not take your hands when I know how they are stained; when I know you for a murderer and worse?" He stared at her open-mouthed. "A murderer--I?" he said at last. "Must I name your victims? Did you not murder Levasseur?" "Levasseur?" He smiled a little. "So they've told you about that!" "Do you deny it?" "I killed him, it is true. I can remember killing another man in circumstances that were very similar. That was in Bridgetown on the night of the Spanish raid. Mary Traill would tell you of it. She was present." He clapped his hat on his head with a certain abrupt fierceness, and strode angrily away, before she could answer or even grasp the full significance of what he had said. CHAPTER XXIII. HOSTAGES Peter Blood stood in the pillared portico of Government House, and with unseeing eyes that were laden with pain and anger, stared out across the great harbour of Port Royal to the green hills rising from the farther shore and the ridge of the Blue Mountains beyond, showing hazily through the quivering heat. He was aroused by the return of the negro who had gone to announce him, and following now this slave, he made his way through the house to the wide piazza behind it, in whose shade Colonel Bishop and my Lord Julian Wade took what little air there was. "So ye've come," the Deputy-Governor hailed him, and followed the greeting by a series of grunts of vague but apparently ill-humoured import. He did not trouble to rise, not even when Lord Julian, obeying the instincts of finer breeding, set him the example. From under scowling brows the wealthy Barbados planter considered his sometime slave, who, hat in hand, leaning lightly upon his long beribboned cane, revealed nothing in his countenance of the anger which was being steadily nourished by this cavalier reception. At last, with scowling brow and in self-sufficient tones, Colonel Bishop delivered himself. "I have sent for you, Captain Blood, because of certain news that has just reached me. I am informed that yesterday evening a frigate left the harbour having on board your associate Wolverstone and a hundred men of the hundred and fifty that were serving under you. His lordship and I shall be glad to have your explanation of how you came to permit that departure." "Permit?" quoth Blood. "I ordered it." The answer left Bishop speechless for a moment. Then: "You ordered it?" he said in accents of unbelief, whilst Lord Julian raised his eyebrows. "'Swounds! Perhaps you'll explain yourself? Whither has Wolverstone gone?" "To Tortuga. He's gone with a message to the officers commanding the other four ships of the fleet that is awaiting me there, telling them what's happened and why they are no longer to expect me." Bishop's great face seemed to swell and its high colour to deepen. He swung to Lord Julian. "You hear that, my lord? Deliberately he has let Wolverstone loose upon the seas again--Wolverstone, the worst of all that gang of pirates after himself. I hope your lordship begins at last to perceive the folly of granting the King's commission to such a man as this against all my counsels. Why, this thing is... it's just mutiny... treason! By God! It's matter for a court-martial." "Will you cease your blather of mutiny and treason and courts-martial?" Blood put on his hat, and sat down unbidden. "I have sent Wolverstone to inform Hagthorpe and Christian and Yberville and the rest of my lads that they've one clear month in which to follow my example, quit piracy, and get back to their boucans or their logwood, or else sail out of the Caribbean Sea. That's what I've done." "But the men?" his lordship interposed in his level, cultured voice. "This hundred men that Wolverstone has taken with him?" "They are those of my crew who have no taste for King James's service, and have preferred to seek work of other kinds. It was in our compact, my lord, that there should be no constraining of my men." "I don't remember it," said his lordship, with sincerity. Blood looked at him in surprise. Then he shrugged. "Faith, I'm not to blame for your lordship's poor memory. I say that it was so; and I don't lie. I've never found it necessary. In any case ye couldn't have supposed that I should consent to anything different." And then the Deputy-Governor exploded. "You have given those damned rascals in Tortuga this warning so that they may escape! That is what you have done. That is how you abuse the commission that has saved your own neck!" Peter Blood considered him steadily, his face impassive. "I will remind you," he said at last, very quietly, "that the object in view was--leaving out of account your own appetites which, as every one knows, are just those of a hangman--to rid the Caribbean of buccaneers. Now, I've taken the most effective way of accomplishing that object. The knowledge that I've entered the King's service should in itself go far towards disbanding the fleet of which I was until lately the admiral." "I see!" sneered the Deputy-Governor malevolently. "And if it does not?" "It will be time enough then to consider what else is to be done." Lord Julian forestalled a fresh outburst on the part of Bishop. "It is possible," he said, "that my Lord Sunderland will be satisfied, provided that the solution is such as you promise." It was a courteous, conciliatory speech. Urged by friendliness towards Blood and understanding of the difficult position in which the buccaneer found himself, his lordship was disposed to take his stand upon the letter of his instructions. Therefore he now held out a friendly hand to help him over the latest and most difficult obstacle which Blood himself had enabled Bishop to place in the way of his redemption. Unfortunately the last person from whom Peter Blood desired assistance at that moment was this young nobleman, whom he regarded with the jaundiced eyes of jealousy. "Anyway," he answered, with a suggestion of defiance and more than a suggestion of a sneer, "it's the most ye should expect from me, and certainly it's the most ye'll get." His lordship frowned, and dabbed his lips with a handkerchief. "I don't think that I quite like the way you put it. Indeed, upon reflection, Captain Blood, I am sure that I do not." "I am sorry for that, so I am," said Blood impudently. "But there it is. I'm not on that account concerned to modify it." His lordship's pale eyes opened a little wider. Languidly he raised his eyebrows. "Ah!" he said. "You're a prodigiously uncivil fellow. You disappoint me, sir. I had formed the notion that you might be a gentleman." "And that's not your lordship's only mistake," Bishop cut in. "You made a worse when you gave him the King's commission, and so sheltered the rascal from the gallows I had prepared for him in Port Royal." "Aye--but the worst mistake of all in this matter of commissions," said Blood to his lordship, "was the one that trade this greasy slaver Deputy-Governor of Jamaica instead of its hangman, which is the office for which he's by nature fitted." "Captain Blood!" said his lordship sharply in reproof. "Upon my soul and honour, sir, you go much too far. You are...." But here Bishop interrupted him. He had heaved himself to his feet, at last, and was venting his fury in unprintable abuse. Captain Blood, who had also risen, stood apparently impassive, for the storm to spend itself. When at last this happened, he addressed himself quietly to Lord Julian, as if Colonel Bishop had not spoken. "Your lordship was about to say?" he asked, with challenging smoothness. But his lordship had by now recovered his habitual composure, and was again disposed to be conciliatory. He laughed and shrugged. "Faith! here's a deal of unnecessary heat," said he. "And God knows this plaguey climate provides enough of that. Perhaps, Colonel Bishop, you are a little uncompromising; and you, sir, are certainly a deal too peppery. I have said, speaking on behalf of my Lord Sunderland, that I am content to await the result of your experiment." But Bishop's fury had by now reached a stage in which it was not to be restrained. "Are you, indeed?" he roared. "Well, then, I am not. This is a matter in which your lordship must allow me to be the better judge. And, anyhow, I'll take the risk of acting on my own responsibility." Lord Julian abandoned the struggle. He smiled wearily, shrugged, and waved a hand in implied resignation. The Deputy-Governor stormed on. "Since my lord here has given you a commission, I can't regularly deal with you out of hand for piracy as you deserve. But you shall answer before a court-martial for your action in the matter of Wolverstone, and take the consequences." "I see," said Blood. "Now we come to it. And it's yourself as Deputy-Governor will preside over that same court-martial. So that ye can wipe off old scores by hanging me, it's little ye care how ye do it!" He laughed, and added: "Praemonitus, praemunitus." "What shall that mean?" quoth Lord Julian sharply. "I had imagined that your lordship would have had some education." He was at pains, you see, to be provocative. "It's not the literal meaning I am asking, sir," said Lord Julian, with frosty dignity. "I want to know what you desire me to understand?" "I'll leave your lordship guessing," said Blood. "And I'll be wishing ye both a very good day." He swept off his feathered hat, and made them a leg very elegantly. "Before you go," said Bishop, "and to save you from any idle rashness, I'll tell you that the Harbour-Master and the Commandant have their orders. You don't leave Port Royal, my fine gallows bird. Damme, I mean to provide you with permanent moorings here, in Execution Dock." Peter Blood stiffened, and his vivid blue

bo'sun

How many times the word 'bo'sun' appears in the text?

But what did I tell ye? Ye see, the young gentleman's under a misapprehension entirely. Perhaps it'll save broken bones if your lordship explains just who and what I am." Lord Julian advanced a step and bowed perfunctorily and rather disdainfully to that very disdainful but now dumbfounded officer. Pitt, who watched the scene from the quarter-deck rail, tells us that his lordship was as grave as a parson at a hanging. But I suspect this gravity for a mask under which Lord Julian was secretly amused. "I have the honour to inform you, sir," he said stiffly, "that Captain Blood holds a commission in the King's service under the seal of my Lord Sunderland, His Majesty's Secretary of State." Captain Calverley's face empurpled; his eyes bulged. The buccaneers in the background chuckled and crowed and swore among themselves in their relish of this comedy. For a long moment Calverley stared in silence at his lordship, observing the costly elegance of his dress, his air of calm assurance, and his cold, fastidious speech, all of which savoured distinctly of the great world to which he belonged. "And who the devil may you be?" he exploded at last. Colder still and more distant than ever grew his lordship's voice. "You're not very civil, sir, as I have already noticed. My name is Wade--Lord Julian Wade. I am His Majesty's envoy to these barbarous parts, and my Lord Sunderland's near kinsman. Colonel Bishop has been notified of my coming." The sudden change in Calverley's manner at Lord Julian's mention of his name showed that the notification had been received, and that he had knowledge of it. "I... I believe that he has," said Calverley, between doubt and suspicion. "That is: that he has been notified of the coming of Lord Julian Wade. But... but... aboard this ship...?" The officer made a gesture of helplessness, and, surrendering to his bewilderment, fell abruptly silent. "I was coming out on the Royal Mary...." "That is what we were advised." "But the Royal Mary fell a victim to a Spanish privateer, and I might never have arrived at all but for the gallantry of Captain Blood, who rescued me." Light broke upon the darkness of Calverley's mind. "I see. I understand." "I will take leave to doubt it." His lordship's tone abated nothing of its asperity. "But that can wait. If Captain Blood will show you his commission, perhaps that will set all doubts at rest, and we may proceed. I shall be glad to reach Port Royal." Captain Blood thrust a parchment under Calverley's bulging eyes. The officer scanned it, particularly the seals and signature. He stepped back, a baffled, impotent man. He bowed helplessly. "I must return to Colonel Bishop for my orders," he informed them. At that moment a lane was opened in the ranks of the men, and through this came Miss Bishop followed by her octoroon woman. Over his shoulder Captain Blood observed her approach. "Perhaps, since Colonel Bishop is with you, you will convey his niece to him. Miss Bishop was aboard the Royal Mary also, and I rescued her together with his lordship. She will be able to acquaint her uncle with the details of that and of the present state of affairs." Swept thus from surprise to surprise, Captain Calverley could do no more than bow again. "As for me," said Lord Julian, with intent to make Miss Bishop's departure free from all interference on the part of the buccaneers, "I shall remain aboard the Arabella until we reach Port Royal. My compliments to Colonel Bishop. Say that I look forward to making his acquaintance there." CHAPTER XXII. HOSTILITIES In the great harbour of Port Royal, spacious enough to have given moorings to all the ships of all the navies of the world, the Arabella rode at anchor. Almost she had the air of a prisoner, for a quarter of a mile ahead, to starboard, rose the lofty, massive single round tower of the fort, whilst a couple of cables'-length astern, and to larboard, rode the six men-of-war that composed the Jamaica squadron. Abeam with the Arabella, across the harbour, were the flat-fronted white buildings of that imposing city that came down to the very water's edge. Behind these the red roofs rose like terraces, marking the gentle slope upon which the city was built, dominated here by a turret, there by a spire, and behind these again a range of green hills with for ultimate background a sky that was like a dome of polished steel. On a cane day-bed that had been set for him on the quarter-deck, sheltered from the dazzling, blistering sunshine by an improvised awning of brown sailcloth, lounged Peter Blood, a calf-bound, well-thumbed copy of Horace's Odes neglected in his hands. From immediately below him came the swish of mops and the gurgle of water in the scuppers, for it was still early morning, and under the directions of Hayton, the bo'sun, the swabbers were at work in the waist and forecastle. Despite the heat and the stagnant air, one of the toilers found breath to croak a ribald buccaneering ditty: "For we laid her board and board, And we put her to the sword, And we sank her in the deep blue sea. So It's heigh-ho, and heave-a-ho! Who'll sail for the Main with me?" Blood fetched a sigh, and the ghost of a smile played over his lean, sun-tanned face. Then the black brows came together above the vivid blue eyes, and thought swiftly closed the door upon his immediate surroundings. Things had not sped at all well with him in the past fortnight since his acceptance of the King's commission. There had been trouble with Bishop from the moment of landing. As Blood and Lord Julian had stepped ashore together, they had been met by a man who took no pains to dissemble his chagrin at the turn of events and his determination to change it. He awaited them on the mole, supported by a group of officers. "You are Lord Julian Wade, I understand," was his truculent greeting. For Blood at the moment he had nothing beyond a malignant glance. Lord Julian bowed. "I take it I have the honour to address Colonel Bishop, Deputy-Governor of Jamaica." It was almost as if his lordship were giving the Colonel a lesson in deportment. The Colonel accepted it, and belatedly bowed, removing his broad hat. Then he plunged on. "You have granted, I am told, the King's commission to this man." His very tone betrayed the bitterness of his rancour. "Your motives were no doubt worthy... your gratitude to him for delivering you from the Spaniards. But the thing itself is unthinkable, my lord. The commission must be cancelled." "I don't think I understand," said Lord Julian distantly. "To be sure you don't, or you'd never ha' done it. The fellow's bubbled you. Why, he's first a rebel, then an escaped slave, and lastly a bloody pirate. I've been hunting him this year past." "I assure you, sir, that I was fully informed of all. I do not grant the King's commission lightly." "Don't you, by God! And what else do you call this? But as His Majesty's Deputy-Governor of Jamaica, I'll take leave to correct your mistake in my own way." "Ah! And what way may that be?" "There's a gallows waiting for this rascal in Port Royal." Blood would have intervened at that, but Lord Julian forestalled him. "I see, sir, that you do not yet quite apprehend the circumstances. If it is a mistake to grant Captain Blood a commission, the mistake is not mine. I am acting upon the instructions of my Lord Sunderland; and with a full knowledge of all the facts, his lordship expressly designated Captain Blood for this commission if Captain Blood could be persuaded to accept it." Colonel Bishop's mouth fell open in surprise and dismay. "Lord Sunderland designated him?" he asked, amazed. "Expressly." His lordship waited a moment for a reply. None coming from the speechless Deputy-Governor, he asked a question: "Would you still venture to describe the matter as a mistake, sir? And dare you take the risk of correcting it?" "I... I had not dreamed...." "I understand, sir. Let me present Captain Blood." Perforce Bishop must put on the best face he could command. But that it was no more than a mask for his fury and his venom was plain to all. From that unpromising beginning matters had not improved; rather had they grown worse. Blood's thoughts were upon this and other things as he lounged there on the day-bed. He had been a fortnight in Port Royal, his ship virtually a unit now in the Jamaica squadron. And when the news of it reached Tortuga and the buccaneers who awaited his return, the name of Captain Blood, which had stood so high among the Brethren of the Coast, would become a byword, a thing of execration, and before all was done his life might pay forfeit for what would be accounted a treacherous defection. And for what had he placed himself in this position? For the sake of a girl who avoided him so persistently and intentionally that he must assume that she still regarded him with aversion. He had scarcely been vouchsafed a glimpse of her in all this fortnight, although with that in view for his main object he had daily haunted her uncle's residence, and daily braved the unmasked hostility and baffled rancour in which Colonel Bishop held him. Nor was that the worst of it. He was allowed plainly to perceive that it was the graceful, elegant young trifler from St. James's, Lord Julian Wade, to whom her every moment was devoted. And what chance had he, a desperate adventurer with a record of outlawry, against such a rival as that, a man of parts, moreover, as he was bound to admit? You conceive the bitterness of his soul. He beheld himself to be as the dog in the fable that had dropped the substance to snatch at a delusive shadow. He sought comfort in a line on the open page before him: "levius fit patientia quicquid corrigere est nefas." Sought it, but hardly found it. A boat that had approached unnoticed from the shore came scraping and bumping against the great red hull of the Arabella, and a raucous voice sent up a hailing shout. From the ship's belfry two silvery notes rang clear and sharp, and a moment or two later the bo'sun's whistle shrilled a long wail. The sounds disturbed Captain Blood from his disgruntled musings. He rose, tall, active, and arrestingly elegant in a scarlet, gold-laced coat that advertised his new position, and slipping the slender volume into his pocket, advanced to the carved rail of the quarter-deck, just as Jeremy Pitt was setting foot upon the companion. "A note for you from the Deputy-Governor," said the master shortly, as he proffered a folded sheet. Blood broke the seal, and read. Pitt, loosely clad in shirt and breeches, leaned against the rail the while and watched him, unmistakable concern imprinted on his fair, frank countenance. Blood uttered a short laugh, and curled his lip. "It is a very peremptory summons," he said, and passed the note to his friend. The young master's grey eyes skimmed it. Thoughtfully he stroked his golden beard. "You'll not go?" he said, between question and assertion. "Why not? Haven't I been a daily visitor at the fort...?" "But it'll be about the Old Wolf that he wants to see you. It gives him a grievance at last. You know, Peter, that it is Lord Julian alone has stood between Bishop and his hate of you. If now he can show that...." "What if he can?" Blood interrupted carelessly. "Shall I be in greater danger ashore than aboard, now that we've but fifty men left, and they lukewarm rogues who would as soon serve the King as me? Jeremy, dear lad, the Arabella's a prisoner here, bedad, 'twixt the fort there and the fleet yonder. Don't be forgetting that." Jeremy clenched his hands. "Why did ye let Wolverstone and the others go?" he cried, with a touch of bitterness. "You should have seen the danger." "How could I in honesty have detained them? It was in the bargain. Besides, how could their staying have helped me?" And as Pitt did not answer him: "Ye see?" he said, and shrugged. "I'll be getting my hat and cane and sword, and go ashore in the cock-boat. See it manned for me." "Ye're going to deliver yourself into Bishop's hands," Pitt warned him. "Well, well, maybe he'll not find me quite so easy to grasp as he imagines. There's a thorn or two left on me." And with a laugh Blood departed to his cabin. Jeremy Pitt answered the laugh with an oath. A moment he stood irresolute where Blood had left him. Then slowly, reluctance dragging at his feet, he went down the companion to give the order for the cock-boat. "If anything should happen to you, Peter," he said, as Blood was going over the side, "Colonel Bishop had better look to himself. These fifty lads may be lukewarm at present, as you say, but--sink me!--they'll be anything but lukewarm if there's a breach of faith." "And what should be happening to me, Jeremy? Sure, now, I'll be back for dinner, so I will." Blood climbed down into the waiting boat. But laugh though he might, he knew as well as Pitt that in going ashore that morning he carried his life in his hands. Because of this, it may have been that when he stepped on to the narrow mole, in the shadow of the shallow outer wall of the fort through whose crenels were thrust the black noses of its heavy guns, he gave order that the boat should stay for him at that spot. He realized that he might have to retreat in a hurry. Walking leisurely, he skirted the embattled wall, and passed through the great gates into the courtyard. Half-a-dozen soldiers lounged there, and in the shadow cast by the wall, Major Mallard, the Commandant, was slowly pacing. He stopped short at sight of Captain Blood, and saluted him, as was his due, but the smile that lifted the officer's stiff mostachios was grimly sardonic. Peter Blood's attention, however, was elsewhere. On his right stretched a spacious garden, beyond which rose the white house that was the residence of the Deputy-Governor. In that garden's main avenue, that was fringed with palm and sandalwood, he had caught sight of Miss Bishop alone. He crossed the courtyard with suddenly lengthened stride. "Good-morning to ye, ma'am," was his greeting as he overtook her; and hat in hand now, he added on a note of protest: "Sure, it's nothing less than uncharitable to make me run in this heat." "Why do you run, then?" she asked him coolly, standing slim and straight before him, all in white and very maidenly save in her unnatural composure. "I am pressed," she informed him. "So you will forgive me if I do not stay." "You were none so pressed until I came," he protested, and if his thin lips smiled, his blue eyes were oddly hard. "Since you perceive it, sir, I wonder that you trouble to be so insistent." That crossed the swords between them, and it was against Blood's instincts to avoid an engagement. "Faith, you explain yourself after a fashion," said he. "But since it was more or less in your service that I donned the King's coat, you should suffer it to cover the thief and pirate." She shrugged and turned aside, in some resentment and some regret. Fearing to betray the latter, she took refuge in the former. "I do my best," said she. "So that ye can be charitable in some ways!" He laughed softly. "Glory be, now, I should be thankful for so much. Maybe I'm presumptuous. But I can't forget that when I was no better than a slave in your uncle's household in Barbados, ye used me with a certain kindness." "Why not? In those days you had some claim upon my kindness. You were just an unfortunate gentleman then." "And what else would you be calling me now?" "Hardly unfortunate. We have heard of your good fortune on the seas--how your luck has passed into a byword. And we have heard other things: of your good fortune in other directions." She spoke hastily, the thought of Mademoiselle d'Ogeron in her mind. And instantly would have recalled the words had she been able. But Peter Blood swept them lightly aside, reading into them none of her meaning, as she feared he would. "Aye--a deal of lies, devil a doubt, as I could prove to you." "I cannot think why you should trouble to put yourself on your defence," she discouraged him. "So that ye may think less badly of me than you do." "What I think of you can be a very little matter to you, sir." This was a disarming stroke. He abandoned combat for expostulation. "Can ye say that now? Can ye say that, beholding me in this livery of a service I despise? Didn't ye tell me that I might redeem the past? It's little enough I am concerned to redeem the past save only in your eyes. In my own I've done nothing at all that I am ashamed of, considering the provocation I received." Her glance faltered, and fell away before his own that was so intent. "I... I can't think why you should speak to me like this," she said, with less than her earlier assurance. "Ah, now, can't ye, indeed?" he cried. "Sure, then, I'll be telling ye." "Oh, please." There was real alarm in her voice. "I realize fully what you did, and I realize that partly, at least, you may have been urged by consideration for myself. Believe me, I am very grateful. I shall always be grateful." "But if it's also your intention always to think of me as a thief and a pirate, faith, ye may keep your gratitude for all the good it's like to do me." A livelier colour crept into her cheeks. There was a perceptible heave of the slight breast that faintly swelled the flimsy bodice of white silk. But if she resented his tone and his words, she stifled her resentment. She realized that perhaps she had, herself, provoked his anger. She honestly desired to make amends. "You are mistaken," she began. "It isn't that." But they were fated to misunderstand each other. Jealousy, that troubler of reason, had been over-busy with his wits as it had with hers. "What is it, then?" quoth he, and added the question: "Lord Julian?" She started, and stared at him blankly indignant now. "Och, be frank with me," he urged her, unpardonably. "'Twill be a kindness, so it will." For a moment she stood before him with quickened breathing, the colour ebbing and flowing in her cheeks. Then she looked past him, and tilted her chin forward. "You... you are quite insufferable," she said. "I beg that you will let me pass." He stepped aside, and with the broad feathered hat which he still held in his hand, he waved her on towards the house. "I'll not be detaining you any longer, ma'am. After all, the cursed thing I did for nothing can be undone. Ye'll remember afterwards that it was your hardness drove me." She moved to depart, then checked, and faced him again. It was she now who was on her defence, her voice quivering with indignation. "You take that tone! You dare to take that tone!" she cried, astounding him by her sudden vehemence. "You have the effrontery to upbraid me because I will not take your hands when I know how they are stained; when I know you for a murderer and worse?" He stared at her open-mouthed. "A murderer--I?" he said at last. "Must I name your victims? Did you not murder Levasseur?" "Levasseur?" He smiled a little. "So they've told you about that!" "Do you deny it?" "I killed him, it is true. I can remember killing another man in circumstances that were very similar. That was in Bridgetown on the night of the Spanish raid. Mary Traill would tell you of it. She was present." He clapped his hat on his head with a certain abrupt fierceness, and strode angrily away, before she could answer or even grasp the full significance of what he had said. CHAPTER XXIII. HOSTAGES Peter Blood stood in the pillared portico of Government House, and with unseeing eyes that were laden with pain and anger, stared out across the great harbour of Port Royal to the green hills rising from the farther shore and the ridge of the Blue Mountains beyond, showing hazily through the quivering heat. He was aroused by the return of the negro who had gone to announce him, and following now this slave, he made his way through the house to the wide piazza behind it, in whose shade Colonel Bishop and my Lord Julian Wade took what little air there was. "So ye've come," the Deputy-Governor hailed him, and followed the greeting by a series of grunts of vague but apparently ill-humoured import. He did not trouble to rise, not even when Lord Julian, obeying the instincts of finer breeding, set him the example. From under scowling brows the wealthy Barbados planter considered his sometime slave, who, hat in hand, leaning lightly upon his long beribboned cane, revealed nothing in his countenance of the anger which was being steadily nourished by this cavalier reception. At last, with scowling brow and in self-sufficient tones, Colonel Bishop delivered himself. "I have sent for you, Captain Blood, because of certain news that has just reached me. I am informed that yesterday evening a frigate left the harbour having on board your associate Wolverstone and a hundred men of the hundred and fifty that were serving under you. His lordship and I shall be glad to have your explanation of how you came to permit that departure." "Permit?" quoth Blood. "I ordered it." The answer left Bishop speechless for a moment. Then: "You ordered it?" he said in accents of unbelief, whilst Lord Julian raised his eyebrows. "'Swounds! Perhaps you'll explain yourself? Whither has Wolverstone gone?" "To Tortuga. He's gone with a message to the officers commanding the other four ships of the fleet that is awaiting me there, telling them what's happened and why they are no longer to expect me." Bishop's great face seemed to swell and its high colour to deepen. He swung to Lord Julian. "You hear that, my lord? Deliberately he has let Wolverstone loose upon the seas again--Wolverstone, the worst of all that gang of pirates after himself. I hope your lordship begins at last to perceive the folly of granting the King's commission to such a man as this against all my counsels. Why, this thing is... it's just mutiny... treason! By God! It's matter for a court-martial." "Will you cease your blather of mutiny and treason and courts-martial?" Blood put on his hat, and sat down unbidden. "I have sent Wolverstone to inform Hagthorpe and Christian and Yberville and the rest of my lads that they've one clear month in which to follow my example, quit piracy, and get back to their boucans or their logwood, or else sail out of the Caribbean Sea. That's what I've done." "But the men?" his lordship interposed in his level, cultured voice. "This hundred men that Wolverstone has taken with him?" "They are those of my crew who have no taste for King James's service, and have preferred to seek work of other kinds. It was in our compact, my lord, that there should be no constraining of my men." "I don't remember it," said his lordship, with sincerity. Blood looked at him in surprise. Then he shrugged. "Faith, I'm not to blame for your lordship's poor memory. I say that it was so; and I don't lie. I've never found it necessary. In any case ye couldn't have supposed that I should consent to anything different." And then the Deputy-Governor exploded. "You have given those damned rascals in Tortuga this warning so that they may escape! That is what you have done. That is how you abuse the commission that has saved your own neck!" Peter Blood considered him steadily, his face impassive. "I will remind you," he said at last, very quietly, "that the object in view was--leaving out of account your own appetites which, as every one knows, are just those of a hangman--to rid the Caribbean of buccaneers. Now, I've taken the most effective way of accomplishing that object. The knowledge that I've entered the King's service should in itself go far towards disbanding the fleet of which I was until lately the admiral." "I see!" sneered the Deputy-Governor malevolently. "And if it does not?" "It will be time enough then to consider what else is to be done." Lord Julian forestalled a fresh outburst on the part of Bishop. "It is possible," he said, "that my Lord Sunderland will be satisfied, provided that the solution is such as you promise." It was a courteous, conciliatory speech. Urged by friendliness towards Blood and understanding of the difficult position in which the buccaneer found himself, his lordship was disposed to take his stand upon the letter of his instructions. Therefore he now held out a friendly hand to help him over the latest and most difficult obstacle which Blood himself had enabled Bishop to place in the way of his redemption. Unfortunately the last person from whom Peter Blood desired assistance at that moment was this young nobleman, whom he regarded with the jaundiced eyes of jealousy. "Anyway," he answered, with a suggestion of defiance and more than a suggestion of a sneer, "it's the most ye should expect from me, and certainly it's the most ye'll get." His lordship frowned, and dabbed his lips with a handkerchief. "I don't think that I quite like the way you put it. Indeed, upon reflection, Captain Blood, I am sure that I do not." "I am sorry for that, so I am," said Blood impudently. "But there it is. I'm not on that account concerned to modify it." His lordship's pale eyes opened a little wider. Languidly he raised his eyebrows. "Ah!" he said. "You're a prodigiously uncivil fellow. You disappoint me, sir. I had formed the notion that you might be a gentleman." "And that's not your lordship's only mistake," Bishop cut in. "You made a worse when you gave him the King's commission, and so sheltered the rascal from the gallows I had prepared for him in Port Royal." "Aye--but the worst mistake of all in this matter of commissions," said Blood to his lordship, "was the one that trade this greasy slaver Deputy-Governor of Jamaica instead of its hangman, which is the office for which he's by nature fitted." "Captain Blood!" said his lordship sharply in reproof. "Upon my soul and honour, sir, you go much too far. You are...." But here Bishop interrupted him. He had heaved himself to his feet, at last, and was venting his fury in unprintable abuse. Captain Blood, who had also risen, stood apparently impassive, for the storm to spend itself. When at last this happened, he addressed himself quietly to Lord Julian, as if Colonel Bishop had not spoken. "Your lordship was about to say?" he asked, with challenging smoothness. But his lordship had by now recovered his habitual composure, and was again disposed to be conciliatory. He laughed and shrugged. "Faith! here's a deal of unnecessary heat," said he. "And God knows this plaguey climate provides enough of that. Perhaps, Colonel Bishop, you are a little uncompromising; and you, sir, are certainly a deal too peppery. I have said, speaking on behalf of my Lord Sunderland, that I am content to await the result of your experiment." But Bishop's fury had by now reached a stage in which it was not to be restrained. "Are you, indeed?" he roared. "Well, then, I am not. This is a matter in which your lordship must allow me to be the better judge. And, anyhow, I'll take the risk of acting on my own responsibility." Lord Julian abandoned the struggle. He smiled wearily, shrugged, and waved a hand in implied resignation. The Deputy-Governor stormed on. "Since my lord here has given you a commission, I can't regularly deal with you out of hand for piracy as you deserve. But you shall answer before a court-martial for your action in the matter of Wolverstone, and take the consequences." "I see," said Blood. "Now we come to it. And it's yourself as Deputy-Governor will preside over that same court-martial. So that ye can wipe off old scores by hanging me, it's little ye care how ye do it!" He laughed, and added: "Praemonitus, praemunitus." "What shall that mean?" quoth Lord Julian sharply. "I had imagined that your lordship would have had some education." He was at pains, you see, to be provocative. "It's not the literal meaning I am asking, sir," said Lord Julian, with frosty dignity. "I want to know what you desire me to understand?" "I'll leave your lordship guessing," said Blood. "And I'll be wishing ye both a very good day." He swept off his feathered hat, and made them a leg very elegantly. "Before you go," said Bishop, "and to save you from any idle rashness, I'll tell you that the Harbour-Master and the Commandant have their orders. You don't leave Port Royal, my fine gallows bird. Damme, I mean to provide you with permanent moorings here, in Execution Dock." Peter Blood stiffened, and his vivid blue

narrow

How many times the word 'narrow' appears in the text?

But what did I tell ye? Ye see, the young gentleman's under a misapprehension entirely. Perhaps it'll save broken bones if your lordship explains just who and what I am." Lord Julian advanced a step and bowed perfunctorily and rather disdainfully to that very disdainful but now dumbfounded officer. Pitt, who watched the scene from the quarter-deck rail, tells us that his lordship was as grave as a parson at a hanging. But I suspect this gravity for a mask under which Lord Julian was secretly amused. "I have the honour to inform you, sir," he said stiffly, "that Captain Blood holds a commission in the King's service under the seal of my Lord Sunderland, His Majesty's Secretary of State." Captain Calverley's face empurpled; his eyes bulged. The buccaneers in the background chuckled and crowed and swore among themselves in their relish of this comedy. For a long moment Calverley stared in silence at his lordship, observing the costly elegance of his dress, his air of calm assurance, and his cold, fastidious speech, all of which savoured distinctly of the great world to which he belonged. "And who the devil may you be?" he exploded at last. Colder still and more distant than ever grew his lordship's voice. "You're not very civil, sir, as I have already noticed. My name is Wade--Lord Julian Wade. I am His Majesty's envoy to these barbarous parts, and my Lord Sunderland's near kinsman. Colonel Bishop has been notified of my coming." The sudden change in Calverley's manner at Lord Julian's mention of his name showed that the notification had been received, and that he had knowledge of it. "I... I believe that he has," said Calverley, between doubt and suspicion. "That is: that he has been notified of the coming of Lord Julian Wade. But... but... aboard this ship...?" The officer made a gesture of helplessness, and, surrendering to his bewilderment, fell abruptly silent. "I was coming out on the Royal Mary...." "That is what we were advised." "But the Royal Mary fell a victim to a Spanish privateer, and I might never have arrived at all but for the gallantry of Captain Blood, who rescued me." Light broke upon the darkness of Calverley's mind. "I see. I understand." "I will take leave to doubt it." His lordship's tone abated nothing of its asperity. "But that can wait. If Captain Blood will show you his commission, perhaps that will set all doubts at rest, and we may proceed. I shall be glad to reach Port Royal." Captain Blood thrust a parchment under Calverley's bulging eyes. The officer scanned it, particularly the seals and signature. He stepped back, a baffled, impotent man. He bowed helplessly. "I must return to Colonel Bishop for my orders," he informed them. At that moment a lane was opened in the ranks of the men, and through this came Miss Bishop followed by her octoroon woman. Over his shoulder Captain Blood observed her approach. "Perhaps, since Colonel Bishop is with you, you will convey his niece to him. Miss Bishop was aboard the Royal Mary also, and I rescued her together with his lordship. She will be able to acquaint her uncle with the details of that and of the present state of affairs." Swept thus from surprise to surprise, Captain Calverley could do no more than bow again. "As for me," said Lord Julian, with intent to make Miss Bishop's departure free from all interference on the part of the buccaneers, "I shall remain aboard the Arabella until we reach Port Royal. My compliments to Colonel Bishop. Say that I look forward to making his acquaintance there." CHAPTER XXII. HOSTILITIES In the great harbour of Port Royal, spacious enough to have given moorings to all the ships of all the navies of the world, the Arabella rode at anchor. Almost she had the air of a prisoner, for a quarter of a mile ahead, to starboard, rose the lofty, massive single round tower of the fort, whilst a couple of cables'-length astern, and to larboard, rode the six men-of-war that composed the Jamaica squadron. Abeam with the Arabella, across the harbour, were the flat-fronted white buildings of that imposing city that came down to the very water's edge. Behind these the red roofs rose like terraces, marking the gentle slope upon which the city was built, dominated here by a turret, there by a spire, and behind these again a range of green hills with for ultimate background a sky that was like a dome of polished steel. On a cane day-bed that had been set for him on the quarter-deck, sheltered from the dazzling, blistering sunshine by an improvised awning of brown sailcloth, lounged Peter Blood, a calf-bound, well-thumbed copy of Horace's Odes neglected in his hands. From immediately below him came the swish of mops and the gurgle of water in the scuppers, for it was still early morning, and under the directions of Hayton, the bo'sun, the swabbers were at work in the waist and forecastle. Despite the heat and the stagnant air, one of the toilers found breath to croak a ribald buccaneering ditty: "For we laid her board and board, And we put her to the sword, And we sank her in the deep blue sea. So It's heigh-ho, and heave-a-ho! Who'll sail for the Main with me?" Blood fetched a sigh, and the ghost of a smile played over his lean, sun-tanned face. Then the black brows came together above the vivid blue eyes, and thought swiftly closed the door upon his immediate surroundings. Things had not sped at all well with him in the past fortnight since his acceptance of the King's commission. There had been trouble with Bishop from the moment of landing. As Blood and Lord Julian had stepped ashore together, they had been met by a man who took no pains to dissemble his chagrin at the turn of events and his determination to change it. He awaited them on the mole, supported by a group of officers. "You are Lord Julian Wade, I understand," was his truculent greeting. For Blood at the moment he had nothing beyond a malignant glance. Lord Julian bowed. "I take it I have the honour to address Colonel Bishop, Deputy-Governor of Jamaica." It was almost as if his lordship were giving the Colonel a lesson in deportment. The Colonel accepted it, and belatedly bowed, removing his broad hat. Then he plunged on. "You have granted, I am told, the King's commission to this man." His very tone betrayed the bitterness of his rancour. "Your motives were no doubt worthy... your gratitude to him for delivering you from the Spaniards. But the thing itself is unthinkable, my lord. The commission must be cancelled." "I don't think I understand," said Lord Julian distantly. "To be sure you don't, or you'd never ha' done it. The fellow's bubbled you. Why, he's first a rebel, then an escaped slave, and lastly a bloody pirate. I've been hunting him this year past." "I assure you, sir, that I was fully informed of all. I do not grant the King's commission lightly." "Don't you, by God! And what else do you call this? But as His Majesty's Deputy-Governor of Jamaica, I'll take leave to correct your mistake in my own way." "Ah! And what way may that be?" "There's a gallows waiting for this rascal in Port Royal." Blood would have intervened at that, but Lord Julian forestalled him. "I see, sir, that you do not yet quite apprehend the circumstances. If it is a mistake to grant Captain Blood a commission, the mistake is not mine. I am acting upon the instructions of my Lord Sunderland; and with a full knowledge of all the facts, his lordship expressly designated Captain Blood for this commission if Captain Blood could be persuaded to accept it." Colonel Bishop's mouth fell open in surprise and dismay. "Lord Sunderland designated him?" he asked, amazed. "Expressly." His lordship waited a moment for a reply. None coming from the speechless Deputy-Governor, he asked a question: "Would you still venture to describe the matter as a mistake, sir? And dare you take the risk of correcting it?" "I... I had not dreamed...." "I understand, sir. Let me present Captain Blood." Perforce Bishop must put on the best face he could command. But that it was no more than a mask for his fury and his venom was plain to all. From that unpromising beginning matters had not improved; rather had they grown worse. Blood's thoughts were upon this and other things as he lounged there on the day-bed. He had been a fortnight in Port Royal, his ship virtually a unit now in the Jamaica squadron. And when the news of it reached Tortuga and the buccaneers who awaited his return, the name of Captain Blood, which had stood so high among the Brethren of the Coast, would become a byword, a thing of execration, and before all was done his life might pay forfeit for what would be accounted a treacherous defection. And for what had he placed himself in this position? For the sake of a girl who avoided him so persistently and intentionally that he must assume that she still regarded him with aversion. He had scarcely been vouchsafed a glimpse of her in all this fortnight, although with that in view for his main object he had daily haunted her uncle's residence, and daily braved the unmasked hostility and baffled rancour in which Colonel Bishop held him. Nor was that the worst of it. He was allowed plainly to perceive that it was the graceful, elegant young trifler from St. James's, Lord Julian Wade, to whom her every moment was devoted. And what chance had he, a desperate adventurer with a record of outlawry, against such a rival as that, a man of parts, moreover, as he was bound to admit? You conceive the bitterness of his soul. He beheld himself to be as the dog in the fable that had dropped the substance to snatch at a delusive shadow. He sought comfort in a line on the open page before him: "levius fit patientia quicquid corrigere est nefas." Sought it, but hardly found it. A boat that had approached unnoticed from the shore came scraping and bumping against the great red hull of the Arabella, and a raucous voice sent up a hailing shout. From the ship's belfry two silvery notes rang clear and sharp, and a moment or two later the bo'sun's whistle shrilled a long wail. The sounds disturbed Captain Blood from his disgruntled musings. He rose, tall, active, and arrestingly elegant in a scarlet, gold-laced coat that advertised his new position, and slipping the slender volume into his pocket, advanced to the carved rail of the quarter-deck, just as Jeremy Pitt was setting foot upon the companion. "A note for you from the Deputy-Governor," said the master shortly, as he proffered a folded sheet. Blood broke the seal, and read. Pitt, loosely clad in shirt and breeches, leaned against the rail the while and watched him, unmistakable concern imprinted on his fair, frank countenance. Blood uttered a short laugh, and curled his lip. "It is a very peremptory summons," he said, and passed the note to his friend. The young master's grey eyes skimmed it. Thoughtfully he stroked his golden beard. "You'll not go?" he said, between question and assertion. "Why not? Haven't I been a daily visitor at the fort...?" "But it'll be about the Old Wolf that he wants to see you. It gives him a grievance at last. You know, Peter, that it is Lord Julian alone has stood between Bishop and his hate of you. If now he can show that...." "What if he can?" Blood interrupted carelessly. "Shall I be in greater danger ashore than aboard, now that we've but fifty men left, and they lukewarm rogues who would as soon serve the King as me? Jeremy, dear lad, the Arabella's a prisoner here, bedad, 'twixt the fort there and the fleet yonder. Don't be forgetting that." Jeremy clenched his hands. "Why did ye let Wolverstone and the others go?" he cried, with a touch of bitterness. "You should have seen the danger." "How could I in honesty have detained them? It was in the bargain. Besides, how could their staying have helped me?" And as Pitt did not answer him: "Ye see?" he said, and shrugged. "I'll be getting my hat and cane and sword, and go ashore in the cock-boat. See it manned for me." "Ye're going to deliver yourself into Bishop's hands," Pitt warned him. "Well, well, maybe he'll not find me quite so easy to grasp as he imagines. There's a thorn or two left on me." And with a laugh Blood departed to his cabin. Jeremy Pitt answered the laugh with an oath. A moment he stood irresolute where Blood had left him. Then slowly, reluctance dragging at his feet, he went down the companion to give the order for the cock-boat. "If anything should happen to you, Peter," he said, as Blood was going over the side, "Colonel Bishop had better look to himself. These fifty lads may be lukewarm at present, as you say, but--sink me!--they'll be anything but lukewarm if there's a breach of faith." "And what should be happening to me, Jeremy? Sure, now, I'll be back for dinner, so I will." Blood climbed down into the waiting boat. But laugh though he might, he knew as well as Pitt that in going ashore that morning he carried his life in his hands. Because of this, it may have been that when he stepped on to the narrow mole, in the shadow of the shallow outer wall of the fort through whose crenels were thrust the black noses of its heavy guns, he gave order that the boat should stay for him at that spot. He realized that he might have to retreat in a hurry. Walking leisurely, he skirted the embattled wall, and passed through the great gates into the courtyard. Half-a-dozen soldiers lounged there, and in the shadow cast by the wall, Major Mallard, the Commandant, was slowly pacing. He stopped short at sight of Captain Blood, and saluted him, as was his due, but the smile that lifted the officer's stiff mostachios was grimly sardonic. Peter Blood's attention, however, was elsewhere. On his right stretched a spacious garden, beyond which rose the white house that was the residence of the Deputy-Governor. In that garden's main avenue, that was fringed with palm and sandalwood, he had caught sight of Miss Bishop alone. He crossed the courtyard with suddenly lengthened stride. "Good-morning to ye, ma'am," was his greeting as he overtook her; and hat in hand now, he added on a note of protest: "Sure, it's nothing less than uncharitable to make me run in this heat." "Why do you run, then?" she asked him coolly, standing slim and straight before him, all in white and very maidenly save in her unnatural composure. "I am pressed," she informed him. "So you will forgive me if I do not stay." "You were none so pressed until I came," he protested, and if his thin lips smiled, his blue eyes were oddly hard. "Since you perceive it, sir, I wonder that you trouble to be so insistent." That crossed the swords between them, and it was against Blood's instincts to avoid an engagement. "Faith, you explain yourself after a fashion," said he. "But since it was more or less in your service that I donned the King's coat, you should suffer it to cover the thief and pirate." She shrugged and turned aside, in some resentment and some regret. Fearing to betray the latter, she took refuge in the former. "I do my best," said she. "So that ye can be charitable in some ways!" He laughed softly. "Glory be, now, I should be thankful for so much. Maybe I'm presumptuous. But I can't forget that when I was no better than a slave in your uncle's household in Barbados, ye used me with a certain kindness." "Why not? In those days you had some claim upon my kindness. You were just an unfortunate gentleman then." "And what else would you be calling me now?" "Hardly unfortunate. We have heard of your good fortune on the seas--how your luck has passed into a byword. And we have heard other things: of your good fortune in other directions." She spoke hastily, the thought of Mademoiselle d'Ogeron in her mind. And instantly would have recalled the words had she been able. But Peter Blood swept them lightly aside, reading into them none of her meaning, as she feared he would. "Aye--a deal of lies, devil a doubt, as I could prove to you." "I cannot think why you should trouble to put yourself on your defence," she discouraged him. "So that ye may think less badly of me than you do." "What I think of you can be a very little matter to you, sir." This was a disarming stroke. He abandoned combat for expostulation. "Can ye say that now? Can ye say that, beholding me in this livery of a service I despise? Didn't ye tell me that I might redeem the past? It's little enough I am concerned to redeem the past save only in your eyes. In my own I've done nothing at all that I am ashamed of, considering the provocation I received." Her glance faltered, and fell away before his own that was so intent. "I... I can't think why you should speak to me like this," she said, with less than her earlier assurance. "Ah, now, can't ye, indeed?" he cried. "Sure, then, I'll be telling ye." "Oh, please." There was real alarm in her voice. "I realize fully what you did, and I realize that partly, at least, you may have been urged by consideration for myself. Believe me, I am very grateful. I shall always be grateful." "But if it's also your intention always to think of me as a thief and a pirate, faith, ye may keep your gratitude for all the good it's like to do me." A livelier colour crept into her cheeks. There was a perceptible heave of the slight breast that faintly swelled the flimsy bodice of white silk. But if she resented his tone and his words, she stifled her resentment. She realized that perhaps she had, herself, provoked his anger. She honestly desired to make amends. "You are mistaken," she began. "It isn't that." But they were fated to misunderstand each other. Jealousy, that troubler of reason, had been over-busy with his wits as it had with hers. "What is it, then?" quoth he, and added the question: "Lord Julian?" She started, and stared at him blankly indignant now. "Och, be frank with me," he urged her, unpardonably. "'Twill be a kindness, so it will." For a moment she stood before him with quickened breathing, the colour ebbing and flowing in her cheeks. Then she looked past him, and tilted her chin forward. "You... you are quite insufferable," she said. "I beg that you will let me pass." He stepped aside, and with the broad feathered hat which he still held in his hand, he waved her on towards the house. "I'll not be detaining you any longer, ma'am. After all, the cursed thing I did for nothing can be undone. Ye'll remember afterwards that it was your hardness drove me." She moved to depart, then checked, and faced him again. It was she now who was on her defence, her voice quivering with indignation. "You take that tone! You dare to take that tone!" she cried, astounding him by her sudden vehemence. "You have the effrontery to upbraid me because I will not take your hands when I know how they are stained; when I know you for a murderer and worse?" He stared at her open-mouthed. "A murderer--I?" he said at last. "Must I name your victims? Did you not murder Levasseur?" "Levasseur?" He smiled a little. "So they've told you about that!" "Do you deny it?" "I killed him, it is true. I can remember killing another man in circumstances that were very similar. That was in Bridgetown on the night of the Spanish raid. Mary Traill would tell you of it. She was present." He clapped his hat on his head with a certain abrupt fierceness, and strode angrily away, before she could answer or even grasp the full significance of what he had said. CHAPTER XXIII. HOSTAGES Peter Blood stood in the pillared portico of Government House, and with unseeing eyes that were laden with pain and anger, stared out across the great harbour of Port Royal to the green hills rising from the farther shore and the ridge of the Blue Mountains beyond, showing hazily through the quivering heat. He was aroused by the return of the negro who had gone to announce him, and following now this slave, he made his way through the house to the wide piazza behind it, in whose shade Colonel Bishop and my Lord Julian Wade took what little air there was. "So ye've come," the Deputy-Governor hailed him, and followed the greeting by a series of grunts of vague but apparently ill-humoured import. He did not trouble to rise, not even when Lord Julian, obeying the instincts of finer breeding, set him the example. From under scowling brows the wealthy Barbados planter considered his sometime slave, who, hat in hand, leaning lightly upon his long beribboned cane, revealed nothing in his countenance of the anger which was being steadily nourished by this cavalier reception. At last, with scowling brow and in self-sufficient tones, Colonel Bishop delivered himself. "I have sent for you, Captain Blood, because of certain news that has just reached me. I am informed that yesterday evening a frigate left the harbour having on board your associate Wolverstone and a hundred men of the hundred and fifty that were serving under you. His lordship and I shall be glad to have your explanation of how you came to permit that departure." "Permit?" quoth Blood. "I ordered it." The answer left Bishop speechless for a moment. Then: "You ordered it?" he said in accents of unbelief, whilst Lord Julian raised his eyebrows. "'Swounds! Perhaps you'll explain yourself? Whither has Wolverstone gone?" "To Tortuga. He's gone with a message to the officers commanding the other four ships of the fleet that is awaiting me there, telling them what's happened and why they are no longer to expect me." Bishop's great face seemed to swell and its high colour to deepen. He swung to Lord Julian. "You hear that, my lord? Deliberately he has let Wolverstone loose upon the seas again--Wolverstone, the worst of all that gang of pirates after himself. I hope your lordship begins at last to perceive the folly of granting the King's commission to such a man as this against all my counsels. Why, this thing is... it's just mutiny... treason! By God! It's matter for a court-martial." "Will you cease your blather of mutiny and treason and courts-martial?" Blood put on his hat, and sat down unbidden. "I have sent Wolverstone to inform Hagthorpe and Christian and Yberville and the rest of my lads that they've one clear month in which to follow my example, quit piracy, and get back to their boucans or their logwood, or else sail out of the Caribbean Sea. That's what I've done." "But the men?" his lordship interposed in his level, cultured voice. "This hundred men that Wolverstone has taken with him?" "They are those of my crew who have no taste for King James's service, and have preferred to seek work of other kinds. It was in our compact, my lord, that there should be no constraining of my men." "I don't remember it," said his lordship, with sincerity. Blood looked at him in surprise. Then he shrugged. "Faith, I'm not to blame for your lordship's poor memory. I say that it was so; and I don't lie. I've never found it necessary. In any case ye couldn't have supposed that I should consent to anything different." And then the Deputy-Governor exploded. "You have given those damned rascals in Tortuga this warning so that they may escape! That is what you have done. That is how you abuse the commission that has saved your own neck!" Peter Blood considered him steadily, his face impassive. "I will remind you," he said at last, very quietly, "that the object in view was--leaving out of account your own appetites which, as every one knows, are just those of a hangman--to rid the Caribbean of buccaneers. Now, I've taken the most effective way of accomplishing that object. The knowledge that I've entered the King's service should in itself go far towards disbanding the fleet of which I was until lately the admiral." "I see!" sneered the Deputy-Governor malevolently. "And if it does not?" "It will be time enough then to consider what else is to be done." Lord Julian forestalled a fresh outburst on the part of Bishop. "It is possible," he said, "that my Lord Sunderland will be satisfied, provided that the solution is such as you promise." It was a courteous, conciliatory speech. Urged by friendliness towards Blood and understanding of the difficult position in which the buccaneer found himself, his lordship was disposed to take his stand upon the letter of his instructions. Therefore he now held out a friendly hand to help him over the latest and most difficult obstacle which Blood himself had enabled Bishop to place in the way of his redemption. Unfortunately the last person from whom Peter Blood desired assistance at that moment was this young nobleman, whom he regarded with the jaundiced eyes of jealousy. "Anyway," he answered, with a suggestion of defiance and more than a suggestion of a sneer, "it's the most ye should expect from me, and certainly it's the most ye'll get." His lordship frowned, and dabbed his lips with a handkerchief. "I don't think that I quite like the way you put it. Indeed, upon reflection, Captain Blood, I am sure that I do not." "I am sorry for that, so I am," said Blood impudently. "But there it is. I'm not on that account concerned to modify it." His lordship's pale eyes opened a little wider. Languidly he raised his eyebrows. "Ah!" he said. "You're a prodigiously uncivil fellow. You disappoint me, sir. I had formed the notion that you might be a gentleman." "And that's not your lordship's only mistake," Bishop cut in. "You made a worse when you gave him the King's commission, and so sheltered the rascal from the gallows I had prepared for him in Port Royal." "Aye--but the worst mistake of all in this matter of commissions," said Blood to his lordship, "was the one that trade this greasy slaver Deputy-Governor of Jamaica instead of its hangman, which is the office for which he's by nature fitted." "Captain Blood!" said his lordship sharply in reproof. "Upon my soul and honour, sir, you go much too far. You are...." But here Bishop interrupted him. He had heaved himself to his feet, at last, and was venting his fury in unprintable abuse. Captain Blood, who had also risen, stood apparently impassive, for the storm to spend itself. When at last this happened, he addressed himself quietly to Lord Julian, as if Colonel Bishop had not spoken. "Your lordship was about to say?" he asked, with challenging smoothness. But his lordship had by now recovered his habitual composure, and was again disposed to be conciliatory. He laughed and shrugged. "Faith! here's a deal of unnecessary heat," said he. "And God knows this plaguey climate provides enough of that. Perhaps, Colonel Bishop, you are a little uncompromising; and you, sir, are certainly a deal too peppery. I have said, speaking on behalf of my Lord Sunderland, that I am content to await the result of your experiment." But Bishop's fury had by now reached a stage in which it was not to be restrained. "Are you, indeed?" he roared. "Well, then, I am not. This is a matter in which your lordship must allow me to be the better judge. And, anyhow, I'll take the risk of acting on my own responsibility." Lord Julian abandoned the struggle. He smiled wearily, shrugged, and waved a hand in implied resignation. The Deputy-Governor stormed on. "Since my lord here has given you a commission, I can't regularly deal with you out of hand for piracy as you deserve. But you shall answer before a court-martial for your action in the matter of Wolverstone, and take the consequences." "I see," said Blood. "Now we come to it. And it's yourself as Deputy-Governor will preside over that same court-martial. So that ye can wipe off old scores by hanging me, it's little ye care how ye do it!" He laughed, and added: "Praemonitus, praemunitus." "What shall that mean?" quoth Lord Julian sharply. "I had imagined that your lordship would have had some education." He was at pains, you see, to be provocative. "It's not the literal meaning I am asking, sir," said Lord Julian, with frosty dignity. "I want to know what you desire me to understand?" "I'll leave your lordship guessing," said Blood. "And I'll be wishing ye both a very good day." He swept off his feathered hat, and made them a leg very elegantly. "Before you go," said Bishop, "and to save you from any idle rashness, I'll tell you that the Harbour-Master and the Commandant have their orders. You don't leave Port Royal, my fine gallows bird. Damme, I mean to provide you with permanent moorings here, in Execution Dock." Peter Blood stiffened, and his vivid blue

some

How many times the word 'some' appears in the text?

But what did I tell ye? Ye see, the young gentleman's under a misapprehension entirely. Perhaps it'll save broken bones if your lordship explains just who and what I am." Lord Julian advanced a step and bowed perfunctorily and rather disdainfully to that very disdainful but now dumbfounded officer. Pitt, who watched the scene from the quarter-deck rail, tells us that his lordship was as grave as a parson at a hanging. But I suspect this gravity for a mask under which Lord Julian was secretly amused. "I have the honour to inform you, sir," he said stiffly, "that Captain Blood holds a commission in the King's service under the seal of my Lord Sunderland, His Majesty's Secretary of State." Captain Calverley's face empurpled; his eyes bulged. The buccaneers in the background chuckled and crowed and swore among themselves in their relish of this comedy. For a long moment Calverley stared in silence at his lordship, observing the costly elegance of his dress, his air of calm assurance, and his cold, fastidious speech, all of which savoured distinctly of the great world to which he belonged. "And who the devil may you be?" he exploded at last. Colder still and more distant than ever grew his lordship's voice. "You're not very civil, sir, as I have already noticed. My name is Wade--Lord Julian Wade. I am His Majesty's envoy to these barbarous parts, and my Lord Sunderland's near kinsman. Colonel Bishop has been notified of my coming." The sudden change in Calverley's manner at Lord Julian's mention of his name showed that the notification had been received, and that he had knowledge of it. "I... I believe that he has," said Calverley, between doubt and suspicion. "That is: that he has been notified of the coming of Lord Julian Wade. But... but... aboard this ship...?" The officer made a gesture of helplessness, and, surrendering to his bewilderment, fell abruptly silent. "I was coming out on the Royal Mary...." "That is what we were advised." "But the Royal Mary fell a victim to a Spanish privateer, and I might never have arrived at all but for the gallantry of Captain Blood, who rescued me." Light broke upon the darkness of Calverley's mind. "I see. I understand." "I will take leave to doubt it." His lordship's tone abated nothing of its asperity. "But that can wait. If Captain Blood will show you his commission, perhaps that will set all doubts at rest, and we may proceed. I shall be glad to reach Port Royal." Captain Blood thrust a parchment under Calverley's bulging eyes. The officer scanned it, particularly the seals and signature. He stepped back, a baffled, impotent man. He bowed helplessly. "I must return to Colonel Bishop for my orders," he informed them. At that moment a lane was opened in the ranks of the men, and through this came Miss Bishop followed by her octoroon woman. Over his shoulder Captain Blood observed her approach. "Perhaps, since Colonel Bishop is with you, you will convey his niece to him. Miss Bishop was aboard the Royal Mary also, and I rescued her together with his lordship. She will be able to acquaint her uncle with the details of that and of the present state of affairs." Swept thus from surprise to surprise, Captain Calverley could do no more than bow again. "As for me," said Lord Julian, with intent to make Miss Bishop's departure free from all interference on the part of the buccaneers, "I shall remain aboard the Arabella until we reach Port Royal. My compliments to Colonel Bishop. Say that I look forward to making his acquaintance there." CHAPTER XXII. HOSTILITIES In the great harbour of Port Royal, spacious enough to have given moorings to all the ships of all the navies of the world, the Arabella rode at anchor. Almost she had the air of a prisoner, for a quarter of a mile ahead, to starboard, rose the lofty, massive single round tower of the fort, whilst a couple of cables'-length astern, and to larboard, rode the six men-of-war that composed the Jamaica squadron. Abeam with the Arabella, across the harbour, were the flat-fronted white buildings of that imposing city that came down to the very water's edge. Behind these the red roofs rose like terraces, marking the gentle slope upon which the city was built, dominated here by a turret, there by a spire, and behind these again a range of green hills with for ultimate background a sky that was like a dome of polished steel. On a cane day-bed that had been set for him on the quarter-deck, sheltered from the dazzling, blistering sunshine by an improvised awning of brown sailcloth, lounged Peter Blood, a calf-bound, well-thumbed copy of Horace's Odes neglected in his hands. From immediately below him came the swish of mops and the gurgle of water in the scuppers, for it was still early morning, and under the directions of Hayton, the bo'sun, the swabbers were at work in the waist and forecastle. Despite the heat and the stagnant air, one of the toilers found breath to croak a ribald buccaneering ditty: "For we laid her board and board, And we put her to the sword, And we sank her in the deep blue sea. So It's heigh-ho, and heave-a-ho! Who'll sail for the Main with me?" Blood fetched a sigh, and the ghost of a smile played over his lean, sun-tanned face. Then the black brows came together above the vivid blue eyes, and thought swiftly closed the door upon his immediate surroundings. Things had not sped at all well with him in the past fortnight since his acceptance of the King's commission. There had been trouble with Bishop from the moment of landing. As Blood and Lord Julian had stepped ashore together, they had been met by a man who took no pains to dissemble his chagrin at the turn of events and his determination to change it. He awaited them on the mole, supported by a group of officers. "You are Lord Julian Wade, I understand," was his truculent greeting. For Blood at the moment he had nothing beyond a malignant glance. Lord Julian bowed. "I take it I have the honour to address Colonel Bishop, Deputy-Governor of Jamaica." It was almost as if his lordship were giving the Colonel a lesson in deportment. The Colonel accepted it, and belatedly bowed, removing his broad hat. Then he plunged on. "You have granted, I am told, the King's commission to this man." His very tone betrayed the bitterness of his rancour. "Your motives were no doubt worthy... your gratitude to him for delivering you from the Spaniards. But the thing itself is unthinkable, my lord. The commission must be cancelled." "I don't think I understand," said Lord Julian distantly. "To be sure you don't, or you'd never ha' done it. The fellow's bubbled you. Why, he's first a rebel, then an escaped slave, and lastly a bloody pirate. I've been hunting him this year past." "I assure you, sir, that I was fully informed of all. I do not grant the King's commission lightly." "Don't you, by God! And what else do you call this? But as His Majesty's Deputy-Governor of Jamaica, I'll take leave to correct your mistake in my own way." "Ah! And what way may that be?" "There's a gallows waiting for this rascal in Port Royal." Blood would have intervened at that, but Lord Julian forestalled him. "I see, sir, that you do not yet quite apprehend the circumstances. If it is a mistake to grant Captain Blood a commission, the mistake is not mine. I am acting upon the instructions of my Lord Sunderland; and with a full knowledge of all the facts, his lordship expressly designated Captain Blood for this commission if Captain Blood could be persuaded to accept it." Colonel Bishop's mouth fell open in surprise and dismay. "Lord Sunderland designated him?" he asked, amazed. "Expressly." His lordship waited a moment for a reply. None coming from the speechless Deputy-Governor, he asked a question: "Would you still venture to describe the matter as a mistake, sir? And dare you take the risk of correcting it?" "I... I had not dreamed...." "I understand, sir. Let me present Captain Blood." Perforce Bishop must put on the best face he could command. But that it was no more than a mask for his fury and his venom was plain to all. From that unpromising beginning matters had not improved; rather had they grown worse. Blood's thoughts were upon this and other things as he lounged there on the day-bed. He had been a fortnight in Port Royal, his ship virtually a unit now in the Jamaica squadron. And when the news of it reached Tortuga and the buccaneers who awaited his return, the name of Captain Blood, which had stood so high among the Brethren of the Coast, would become a byword, a thing of execration, and before all was done his life might pay forfeit for what would be accounted a treacherous defection. And for what had he placed himself in this position? For the sake of a girl who avoided him so persistently and intentionally that he must assume that she still regarded him with aversion. He had scarcely been vouchsafed a glimpse of her in all this fortnight, although with that in view for his main object he had daily haunted her uncle's residence, and daily braved the unmasked hostility and baffled rancour in which Colonel Bishop held him. Nor was that the worst of it. He was allowed plainly to perceive that it was the graceful, elegant young trifler from St. James's, Lord Julian Wade, to whom her every moment was devoted. And what chance had he, a desperate adventurer with a record of outlawry, against such a rival as that, a man of parts, moreover, as he was bound to admit? You conceive the bitterness of his soul. He beheld himself to be as the dog in the fable that had dropped the substance to snatch at a delusive shadow. He sought comfort in a line on the open page before him: "levius fit patientia quicquid corrigere est nefas." Sought it, but hardly found it. A boat that had approached unnoticed from the shore came scraping and bumping against the great red hull of the Arabella, and a raucous voice sent up a hailing shout. From the ship's belfry two silvery notes rang clear and sharp, and a moment or two later the bo'sun's whistle shrilled a long wail. The sounds disturbed Captain Blood from his disgruntled musings. He rose, tall, active, and arrestingly elegant in a scarlet, gold-laced coat that advertised his new position, and slipping the slender volume into his pocket, advanced to the carved rail of the quarter-deck, just as Jeremy Pitt was setting foot upon the companion. "A note for you from the Deputy-Governor," said the master shortly, as he proffered a folded sheet. Blood broke the seal, and read. Pitt, loosely clad in shirt and breeches, leaned against the rail the while and watched him, unmistakable concern imprinted on his fair, frank countenance. Blood uttered a short laugh, and curled his lip. "It is a very peremptory summons," he said, and passed the note to his friend. The young master's grey eyes skimmed it. Thoughtfully he stroked his golden beard. "You'll not go?" he said, between question and assertion. "Why not? Haven't I been a daily visitor at the fort...?" "But it'll be about the Old Wolf that he wants to see you. It gives him a grievance at last. You know, Peter, that it is Lord Julian alone has stood between Bishop and his hate of you. If now he can show that...." "What if he can?" Blood interrupted carelessly. "Shall I be in greater danger ashore than aboard, now that we've but fifty men left, and they lukewarm rogues who would as soon serve the King as me? Jeremy, dear lad, the Arabella's a prisoner here, bedad, 'twixt the fort there and the fleet yonder. Don't be forgetting that." Jeremy clenched his hands. "Why did ye let Wolverstone and the others go?" he cried, with a touch of bitterness. "You should have seen the danger." "How could I in honesty have detained them? It was in the bargain. Besides, how could their staying have helped me?" And as Pitt did not answer him: "Ye see?" he said, and shrugged. "I'll be getting my hat and cane and sword, and go ashore in the cock-boat. See it manned for me." "Ye're going to deliver yourself into Bishop's hands," Pitt warned him. "Well, well, maybe he'll not find me quite so easy to grasp as he imagines. There's a thorn or two left on me." And with a laugh Blood departed to his cabin. Jeremy Pitt answered the laugh with an oath. A moment he stood irresolute where Blood had left him. Then slowly, reluctance dragging at his feet, he went down the companion to give the order for the cock-boat. "If anything should happen to you, Peter," he said, as Blood was going over the side, "Colonel Bishop had better look to himself. These fifty lads may be lukewarm at present, as you say, but--sink me!--they'll be anything but lukewarm if there's a breach of faith." "And what should be happening to me, Jeremy? Sure, now, I'll be back for dinner, so I will." Blood climbed down into the waiting boat. But laugh though he might, he knew as well as Pitt that in going ashore that morning he carried his life in his hands. Because of this, it may have been that when he stepped on to the narrow mole, in the shadow of the shallow outer wall of the fort through whose crenels were thrust the black noses of its heavy guns, he gave order that the boat should stay for him at that spot. He realized that he might have to retreat in a hurry. Walking leisurely, he skirted the embattled wall, and passed through the great gates into the courtyard. Half-a-dozen soldiers lounged there, and in the shadow cast by the wall, Major Mallard, the Commandant, was slowly pacing. He stopped short at sight of Captain Blood, and saluted him, as was his due, but the smile that lifted the officer's stiff mostachios was grimly sardonic. Peter Blood's attention, however, was elsewhere. On his right stretched a spacious garden, beyond which rose the white house that was the residence of the Deputy-Governor. In that garden's main avenue, that was fringed with palm and sandalwood, he had caught sight of Miss Bishop alone. He crossed the courtyard with suddenly lengthened stride. "Good-morning to ye, ma'am," was his greeting as he overtook her; and hat in hand now, he added on a note of protest: "Sure, it's nothing less than uncharitable to make me run in this heat." "Why do you run, then?" she asked him coolly, standing slim and straight before him, all in white and very maidenly save in her unnatural composure. "I am pressed," she informed him. "So you will forgive me if I do not stay." "You were none so pressed until I came," he protested, and if his thin lips smiled, his blue eyes were oddly hard. "Since you perceive it, sir, I wonder that you trouble to be so insistent." That crossed the swords between them, and it was against Blood's instincts to avoid an engagement. "Faith, you explain yourself after a fashion," said he. "But since it was more or less in your service that I donned the King's coat, you should suffer it to cover the thief and pirate." She shrugged and turned aside, in some resentment and some regret. Fearing to betray the latter, she took refuge in the former. "I do my best," said she. "So that ye can be charitable in some ways!" He laughed softly. "Glory be, now, I should be thankful for so much. Maybe I'm presumptuous. But I can't forget that when I was no better than a slave in your uncle's household in Barbados, ye used me with a certain kindness." "Why not? In those days you had some claim upon my kindness. You were just an unfortunate gentleman then." "And what else would you be calling me now?" "Hardly unfortunate. We have heard of your good fortune on the seas--how your luck has passed into a byword. And we have heard other things: of your good fortune in other directions." She spoke hastily, the thought of Mademoiselle d'Ogeron in her mind. And instantly would have recalled the words had she been able. But Peter Blood swept them lightly aside, reading into them none of her meaning, as she feared he would. "Aye--a deal of lies, devil a doubt, as I could prove to you." "I cannot think why you should trouble to put yourself on your defence," she discouraged him. "So that ye may think less badly of me than you do." "What I think of you can be a very little matter to you, sir." This was a disarming stroke. He abandoned combat for expostulation. "Can ye say that now? Can ye say that, beholding me in this livery of a service I despise? Didn't ye tell me that I might redeem the past? It's little enough I am concerned to redeem the past save only in your eyes. In my own I've done nothing at all that I am ashamed of, considering the provocation I received." Her glance faltered, and fell away before his own that was so intent. "I... I can't think why you should speak to me like this," she said, with less than her earlier assurance. "Ah, now, can't ye, indeed?" he cried. "Sure, then, I'll be telling ye." "Oh, please." There was real alarm in her voice. "I realize fully what you did, and I realize that partly, at least, you may have been urged by consideration for myself. Believe me, I am very grateful. I shall always be grateful." "But if it's also your intention always to think of me as a thief and a pirate, faith, ye may keep your gratitude for all the good it's like to do me." A livelier colour crept into her cheeks. There was a perceptible heave of the slight breast that faintly swelled the flimsy bodice of white silk. But if she resented his tone and his words, she stifled her resentment. She realized that perhaps she had, herself, provoked his anger. She honestly desired to make amends. "You are mistaken," she began. "It isn't that." But they were fated to misunderstand each other. Jealousy, that troubler of reason, had been over-busy with his wits as it had with hers. "What is it, then?" quoth he, and added the question: "Lord Julian?" She started, and stared at him blankly indignant now. "Och, be frank with me," he urged her, unpardonably. "'Twill be a kindness, so it will." For a moment she stood before him with quickened breathing, the colour ebbing and flowing in her cheeks. Then she looked past him, and tilted her chin forward. "You... you are quite insufferable," she said. "I beg that you will let me pass." He stepped aside, and with the broad feathered hat which he still held in his hand, he waved her on towards the house. "I'll not be detaining you any longer, ma'am. After all, the cursed thing I did for nothing can be undone. Ye'll remember afterwards that it was your hardness drove me." She moved to depart, then checked, and faced him again. It was she now who was on her defence, her voice quivering with indignation. "You take that tone! You dare to take that tone!" she cried, astounding him by her sudden vehemence. "You have the effrontery to upbraid me because I will not take your hands when I know how they are stained; when I know you for a murderer and worse?" He stared at her open-mouthed. "A murderer--I?" he said at last. "Must I name your victims? Did you not murder Levasseur?" "Levasseur?" He smiled a little. "So they've told you about that!" "Do you deny it?" "I killed him, it is true. I can remember killing another man in circumstances that were very similar. That was in Bridgetown on the night of the Spanish raid. Mary Traill would tell you of it. She was present." He clapped his hat on his head with a certain abrupt fierceness, and strode angrily away, before she could answer or even grasp the full significance of what he had said. CHAPTER XXIII. HOSTAGES Peter Blood stood in the pillared portico of Government House, and with unseeing eyes that were laden with pain and anger, stared out across the great harbour of Port Royal to the green hills rising from the farther shore and the ridge of the Blue Mountains beyond, showing hazily through the quivering heat. He was aroused by the return of the negro who had gone to announce him, and following now this slave, he made his way through the house to the wide piazza behind it, in whose shade Colonel Bishop and my Lord Julian Wade took what little air there was. "So ye've come," the Deputy-Governor hailed him, and followed the greeting by a series of grunts of vague but apparently ill-humoured import. He did not trouble to rise, not even when Lord Julian, obeying the instincts of finer breeding, set him the example. From under scowling brows the wealthy Barbados planter considered his sometime slave, who, hat in hand, leaning lightly upon his long beribboned cane, revealed nothing in his countenance of the anger which was being steadily nourished by this cavalier reception. At last, with scowling brow and in self-sufficient tones, Colonel Bishop delivered himself. "I have sent for you, Captain Blood, because of certain news that has just reached me. I am informed that yesterday evening a frigate left the harbour having on board your associate Wolverstone and a hundred men of the hundred and fifty that were serving under you. His lordship and I shall be glad to have your explanation of how you came to permit that departure." "Permit?" quoth Blood. "I ordered it." The answer left Bishop speechless for a moment. Then: "You ordered it?" he said in accents of unbelief, whilst Lord Julian raised his eyebrows. "'Swounds! Perhaps you'll explain yourself? Whither has Wolverstone gone?" "To Tortuga. He's gone with a message to the officers commanding the other four ships of the fleet that is awaiting me there, telling them what's happened and why they are no longer to expect me." Bishop's great face seemed to swell and its high colour to deepen. He swung to Lord Julian. "You hear that, my lord? Deliberately he has let Wolverstone loose upon the seas again--Wolverstone, the worst of all that gang of pirates after himself. I hope your lordship begins at last to perceive the folly of granting the King's commission to such a man as this against all my counsels. Why, this thing is... it's just mutiny... treason! By God! It's matter for a court-martial." "Will you cease your blather of mutiny and treason and courts-martial?" Blood put on his hat, and sat down unbidden. "I have sent Wolverstone to inform Hagthorpe and Christian and Yberville and the rest of my lads that they've one clear month in which to follow my example, quit piracy, and get back to their boucans or their logwood, or else sail out of the Caribbean Sea. That's what I've done." "But the men?" his lordship interposed in his level, cultured voice. "This hundred men that Wolverstone has taken with him?" "They are those of my crew who have no taste for King James's service, and have preferred to seek work of other kinds. It was in our compact, my lord, that there should be no constraining of my men." "I don't remember it," said his lordship, with sincerity. Blood looked at him in surprise. Then he shrugged. "Faith, I'm not to blame for your lordship's poor memory. I say that it was so; and I don't lie. I've never found it necessary. In any case ye couldn't have supposed that I should consent to anything different." And then the Deputy-Governor exploded. "You have given those damned rascals in Tortuga this warning so that they may escape! That is what you have done. That is how you abuse the commission that has saved your own neck!" Peter Blood considered him steadily, his face impassive. "I will remind you," he said at last, very quietly, "that the object in view was--leaving out of account your own appetites which, as every one knows, are just those of a hangman--to rid the Caribbean of buccaneers. Now, I've taken the most effective way of accomplishing that object. The knowledge that I've entered the King's service should in itself go far towards disbanding the fleet of which I was until lately the admiral." "I see!" sneered the Deputy-Governor malevolently. "And if it does not?" "It will be time enough then to consider what else is to be done." Lord Julian forestalled a fresh outburst on the part of Bishop. "It is possible," he said, "that my Lord Sunderland will be satisfied, provided that the solution is such as you promise." It was a courteous, conciliatory speech. Urged by friendliness towards Blood and understanding of the difficult position in which the buccaneer found himself, his lordship was disposed to take his stand upon the letter of his instructions. Therefore he now held out a friendly hand to help him over the latest and most difficult obstacle which Blood himself had enabled Bishop to place in the way of his redemption. Unfortunately the last person from whom Peter Blood desired assistance at that moment was this young nobleman, whom he regarded with the jaundiced eyes of jealousy. "Anyway," he answered, with a suggestion of defiance and more than a suggestion of a sneer, "it's the most ye should expect from me, and certainly it's the most ye'll get." His lordship frowned, and dabbed his lips with a handkerchief. "I don't think that I quite like the way you put it. Indeed, upon reflection, Captain Blood, I am sure that I do not." "I am sorry for that, so I am," said Blood impudently. "But there it is. I'm not on that account concerned to modify it." His lordship's pale eyes opened a little wider. Languidly he raised his eyebrows. "Ah!" he said. "You're a prodigiously uncivil fellow. You disappoint me, sir. I had formed the notion that you might be a gentleman." "And that's not your lordship's only mistake," Bishop cut in. "You made a worse when you gave him the King's commission, and so sheltered the rascal from the gallows I had prepared for him in Port Royal." "Aye--but the worst mistake of all in this matter of commissions," said Blood to his lordship, "was the one that trade this greasy slaver Deputy-Governor of Jamaica instead of its hangman, which is the office for which he's by nature fitted." "Captain Blood!" said his lordship sharply in reproof. "Upon my soul and honour, sir, you go much too far. You are...." But here Bishop interrupted him. He had heaved himself to his feet, at last, and was venting his fury in unprintable abuse. Captain Blood, who had also risen, stood apparently impassive, for the storm to spend itself. When at last this happened, he addressed himself quietly to Lord Julian, as if Colonel Bishop had not spoken. "Your lordship was about to say?" he asked, with challenging smoothness. But his lordship had by now recovered his habitual composure, and was again disposed to be conciliatory. He laughed and shrugged. "Faith! here's a deal of unnecessary heat," said he. "And God knows this plaguey climate provides enough of that. Perhaps, Colonel Bishop, you are a little uncompromising; and you, sir, are certainly a deal too peppery. I have said, speaking on behalf of my Lord Sunderland, that I am content to await the result of your experiment." But Bishop's fury had by now reached a stage in which it was not to be restrained. "Are you, indeed?" he roared. "Well, then, I am not. This is a matter in which your lordship must allow me to be the better judge. And, anyhow, I'll take the risk of acting on my own responsibility." Lord Julian abandoned the struggle. He smiled wearily, shrugged, and waved a hand in implied resignation. The Deputy-Governor stormed on. "Since my lord here has given you a commission, I can't regularly deal with you out of hand for piracy as you deserve. But you shall answer before a court-martial for your action in the matter of Wolverstone, and take the consequences." "I see," said Blood. "Now we come to it. And it's yourself as Deputy-Governor will preside over that same court-martial. So that ye can wipe off old scores by hanging me, it's little ye care how ye do it!" He laughed, and added: "Praemonitus, praemunitus." "What shall that mean?" quoth Lord Julian sharply. "I had imagined that your lordship would have had some education." He was at pains, you see, to be provocative. "It's not the literal meaning I am asking, sir," said Lord Julian, with frosty dignity. "I want to know what you desire me to understand?" "I'll leave your lordship guessing," said Blood. "And I'll be wishing ye both a very good day." He swept off his feathered hat, and made them a leg very elegantly. "Before you go," said Bishop, "and to save you from any idle rashness, I'll tell you that the Harbour-Master and the Commandant have their orders. You don't leave Port Royal, my fine gallows bird. Damme, I mean to provide you with permanent moorings here, in Execution Dock." Peter Blood stiffened, and his vivid blue

kicked

How many times the word 'kicked' appears in the text?

But what did I tell ye? Ye see, the young gentleman's under a misapprehension entirely. Perhaps it'll save broken bones if your lordship explains just who and what I am." Lord Julian advanced a step and bowed perfunctorily and rather disdainfully to that very disdainful but now dumbfounded officer. Pitt, who watched the scene from the quarter-deck rail, tells us that his lordship was as grave as a parson at a hanging. But I suspect this gravity for a mask under which Lord Julian was secretly amused. "I have the honour to inform you, sir," he said stiffly, "that Captain Blood holds a commission in the King's service under the seal of my Lord Sunderland, His Majesty's Secretary of State." Captain Calverley's face empurpled; his eyes bulged. The buccaneers in the background chuckled and crowed and swore among themselves in their relish of this comedy. For a long moment Calverley stared in silence at his lordship, observing the costly elegance of his dress, his air of calm assurance, and his cold, fastidious speech, all of which savoured distinctly of the great world to which he belonged. "And who the devil may you be?" he exploded at last. Colder still and more distant than ever grew his lordship's voice. "You're not very civil, sir, as I have already noticed. My name is Wade--Lord Julian Wade. I am His Majesty's envoy to these barbarous parts, and my Lord Sunderland's near kinsman. Colonel Bishop has been notified of my coming." The sudden change in Calverley's manner at Lord Julian's mention of his name showed that the notification had been received, and that he had knowledge of it. "I... I believe that he has," said Calverley, between doubt and suspicion. "That is: that he has been notified of the coming of Lord Julian Wade. But... but... aboard this ship...?" The officer made a gesture of helplessness, and, surrendering to his bewilderment, fell abruptly silent. "I was coming out on the Royal Mary...." "That is what we were advised." "But the Royal Mary fell a victim to a Spanish privateer, and I might never have arrived at all but for the gallantry of Captain Blood, who rescued me." Light broke upon the darkness of Calverley's mind. "I see. I understand." "I will take leave to doubt it." His lordship's tone abated nothing of its asperity. "But that can wait. If Captain Blood will show you his commission, perhaps that will set all doubts at rest, and we may proceed. I shall be glad to reach Port Royal." Captain Blood thrust a parchment under Calverley's bulging eyes. The officer scanned it, particularly the seals and signature. He stepped back, a baffled, impotent man. He bowed helplessly. "I must return to Colonel Bishop for my orders," he informed them. At that moment a lane was opened in the ranks of the men, and through this came Miss Bishop followed by her octoroon woman. Over his shoulder Captain Blood observed her approach. "Perhaps, since Colonel Bishop is with you, you will convey his niece to him. Miss Bishop was aboard the Royal Mary also, and I rescued her together with his lordship. She will be able to acquaint her uncle with the details of that and of the present state of affairs." Swept thus from surprise to surprise, Captain Calverley could do no more than bow again. "As for me," said Lord Julian, with intent to make Miss Bishop's departure free from all interference on the part of the buccaneers, "I shall remain aboard the Arabella until we reach Port Royal. My compliments to Colonel Bishop. Say that I look forward to making his acquaintance there." CHAPTER XXII. HOSTILITIES In the great harbour of Port Royal, spacious enough to have given moorings to all the ships of all the navies of the world, the Arabella rode at anchor. Almost she had the air of a prisoner, for a quarter of a mile ahead, to starboard, rose the lofty, massive single round tower of the fort, whilst a couple of cables'-length astern, and to larboard, rode the six men-of-war that composed the Jamaica squadron. Abeam with the Arabella, across the harbour, were the flat-fronted white buildings of that imposing city that came down to the very water's edge. Behind these the red roofs rose like terraces, marking the gentle slope upon which the city was built, dominated here by a turret, there by a spire, and behind these again a range of green hills with for ultimate background a sky that was like a dome of polished steel. On a cane day-bed that had been set for him on the quarter-deck, sheltered from the dazzling, blistering sunshine by an improvised awning of brown sailcloth, lounged Peter Blood, a calf-bound, well-thumbed copy of Horace's Odes neglected in his hands. From immediately below him came the swish of mops and the gurgle of water in the scuppers, for it was still early morning, and under the directions of Hayton, the bo'sun, the swabbers were at work in the waist and forecastle. Despite the heat and the stagnant air, one of the toilers found breath to croak a ribald buccaneering ditty: "For we laid her board and board, And we put her to the sword, And we sank her in the deep blue sea. So It's heigh-ho, and heave-a-ho! Who'll sail for the Main with me?" Blood fetched a sigh, and the ghost of a smile played over his lean, sun-tanned face. Then the black brows came together above the vivid blue eyes, and thought swiftly closed the door upon his immediate surroundings. Things had not sped at all well with him in the past fortnight since his acceptance of the King's commission. There had been trouble with Bishop from the moment of landing. As Blood and Lord Julian had stepped ashore together, they had been met by a man who took no pains to dissemble his chagrin at the turn of events and his determination to change it. He awaited them on the mole, supported by a group of officers. "You are Lord Julian Wade, I understand," was his truculent greeting. For Blood at the moment he had nothing beyond a malignant glance. Lord Julian bowed. "I take it I have the honour to address Colonel Bishop, Deputy-Governor of Jamaica." It was almost as if his lordship were giving the Colonel a lesson in deportment. The Colonel accepted it, and belatedly bowed, removing his broad hat. Then he plunged on. "You have granted, I am told, the King's commission to this man." His very tone betrayed the bitterness of his rancour. "Your motives were no doubt worthy... your gratitude to him for delivering you from the Spaniards. But the thing itself is unthinkable, my lord. The commission must be cancelled." "I don't think I understand," said Lord Julian distantly. "To be sure you don't, or you'd never ha' done it. The fellow's bubbled you. Why, he's first a rebel, then an escaped slave, and lastly a bloody pirate. I've been hunting him this year past." "I assure you, sir, that I was fully informed of all. I do not grant the King's commission lightly." "Don't you, by God! And what else do you call this? But as His Majesty's Deputy-Governor of Jamaica, I'll take leave to correct your mistake in my own way." "Ah! And what way may that be?" "There's a gallows waiting for this rascal in Port Royal." Blood would have intervened at that, but Lord Julian forestalled him. "I see, sir, that you do not yet quite apprehend the circumstances. If it is a mistake to grant Captain Blood a commission, the mistake is not mine. I am acting upon the instructions of my Lord Sunderland; and with a full knowledge of all the facts, his lordship expressly designated Captain Blood for this commission if Captain Blood could be persuaded to accept it." Colonel Bishop's mouth fell open in surprise and dismay. "Lord Sunderland designated him?" he asked, amazed. "Expressly." His lordship waited a moment for a reply. None coming from the speechless Deputy-Governor, he asked a question: "Would you still venture to describe the matter as a mistake, sir? And dare you take the risk of correcting it?" "I... I had not dreamed...." "I understand, sir. Let me present Captain Blood." Perforce Bishop must put on the best face he could command. But that it was no more than a mask for his fury and his venom was plain to all. From that unpromising beginning matters had not improved; rather had they grown worse. Blood's thoughts were upon this and other things as he lounged there on the day-bed. He had been a fortnight in Port Royal, his ship virtually a unit now in the Jamaica squadron. And when the news of it reached Tortuga and the buccaneers who awaited his return, the name of Captain Blood, which had stood so high among the Brethren of the Coast, would become a byword, a thing of execration, and before all was done his life might pay forfeit for what would be accounted a treacherous defection. And for what had he placed himself in this position? For the sake of a girl who avoided him so persistently and intentionally that he must assume that she still regarded him with aversion. He had scarcely been vouchsafed a glimpse of her in all this fortnight, although with that in view for his main object he had daily haunted her uncle's residence, and daily braved the unmasked hostility and baffled rancour in which Colonel Bishop held him. Nor was that the worst of it. He was allowed plainly to perceive that it was the graceful, elegant young trifler from St. James's, Lord Julian Wade, to whom her every moment was devoted. And what chance had he, a desperate adventurer with a record of outlawry, against such a rival as that, a man of parts, moreover, as he was bound to admit? You conceive the bitterness of his soul. He beheld himself to be as the dog in the fable that had dropped the substance to snatch at a delusive shadow. He sought comfort in a line on the open page before him: "levius fit patientia quicquid corrigere est nefas." Sought it, but hardly found it. A boat that had approached unnoticed from the shore came scraping and bumping against the great red hull of the Arabella, and a raucous voice sent up a hailing shout. From the ship's belfry two silvery notes rang clear and sharp, and a moment or two later the bo'sun's whistle shrilled a long wail. The sounds disturbed Captain Blood from his disgruntled musings. He rose, tall, active, and arrestingly elegant in a scarlet, gold-laced coat that advertised his new position, and slipping the slender volume into his pocket, advanced to the carved rail of the quarter-deck, just as Jeremy Pitt was setting foot upon the companion. "A note for you from the Deputy-Governor," said the master shortly, as he proffered a folded sheet. Blood broke the seal, and read. Pitt, loosely clad in shirt and breeches, leaned against the rail the while and watched him, unmistakable concern imprinted on his fair, frank countenance. Blood uttered a short laugh, and curled his lip. "It is a very peremptory summons," he said, and passed the note to his friend. The young master's grey eyes skimmed it. Thoughtfully he stroked his golden beard. "You'll not go?" he said, between question and assertion. "Why not? Haven't I been a daily visitor at the fort...?" "But it'll be about the Old Wolf that he wants to see you. It gives him a grievance at last. You know, Peter, that it is Lord Julian alone has stood between Bishop and his hate of you. If now he can show that...." "What if he can?" Blood interrupted carelessly. "Shall I be in greater danger ashore than aboard, now that we've but fifty men left, and they lukewarm rogues who would as soon serve the King as me? Jeremy, dear lad, the Arabella's a prisoner here, bedad, 'twixt the fort there and the fleet yonder. Don't be forgetting that." Jeremy clenched his hands. "Why did ye let Wolverstone and the others go?" he cried, with a touch of bitterness. "You should have seen the danger." "How could I in honesty have detained them? It was in the bargain. Besides, how could their staying have helped me?" And as Pitt did not answer him: "Ye see?" he said, and shrugged. "I'll be getting my hat and cane and sword, and go ashore in the cock-boat. See it manned for me." "Ye're going to deliver yourself into Bishop's hands," Pitt warned him. "Well, well, maybe he'll not find me quite so easy to grasp as he imagines. There's a thorn or two left on me." And with a laugh Blood departed to his cabin. Jeremy Pitt answered the laugh with an oath. A moment he stood irresolute where Blood had left him. Then slowly, reluctance dragging at his feet, he went down the companion to give the order for the cock-boat. "If anything should happen to you, Peter," he said, as Blood was going over the side, "Colonel Bishop had better look to himself. These fifty lads may be lukewarm at present, as you say, but--sink me!--they'll be anything but lukewarm if there's a breach of faith." "And what should be happening to me, Jeremy? Sure, now, I'll be back for dinner, so I will." Blood climbed down into the waiting boat. But laugh though he might, he knew as well as Pitt that in going ashore that morning he carried his life in his hands. Because of this, it may have been that when he stepped on to the narrow mole, in the shadow of the shallow outer wall of the fort through whose crenels were thrust the black noses of its heavy guns, he gave order that the boat should stay for him at that spot. He realized that he might have to retreat in a hurry. Walking leisurely, he skirted the embattled wall, and passed through the great gates into the courtyard. Half-a-dozen soldiers lounged there, and in the shadow cast by the wall, Major Mallard, the Commandant, was slowly pacing. He stopped short at sight of Captain Blood, and saluted him, as was his due, but the smile that lifted the officer's stiff mostachios was grimly sardonic. Peter Blood's attention, however, was elsewhere. On his right stretched a spacious garden, beyond which rose the white house that was the residence of the Deputy-Governor. In that garden's main avenue, that was fringed with palm and sandalwood, he had caught sight of Miss Bishop alone. He crossed the courtyard with suddenly lengthened stride. "Good-morning to ye, ma'am," was his greeting as he overtook her; and hat in hand now, he added on a note of protest: "Sure, it's nothing less than uncharitable to make me run in this heat." "Why do you run, then?" she asked him coolly, standing slim and straight before him, all in white and very maidenly save in her unnatural composure. "I am pressed," she informed him. "So you will forgive me if I do not stay." "You were none so pressed until I came," he protested, and if his thin lips smiled, his blue eyes were oddly hard. "Since you perceive it, sir, I wonder that you trouble to be so insistent." That crossed the swords between them, and it was against Blood's instincts to avoid an engagement. "Faith, you explain yourself after a fashion," said he. "But since it was more or less in your service that I donned the King's coat, you should suffer it to cover the thief and pirate." She shrugged and turned aside, in some resentment and some regret. Fearing to betray the latter, she took refuge in the former. "I do my best," said she. "So that ye can be charitable in some ways!" He laughed softly. "Glory be, now, I should be thankful for so much. Maybe I'm presumptuous. But I can't forget that when I was no better than a slave in your uncle's household in Barbados, ye used me with a certain kindness." "Why not? In those days you had some claim upon my kindness. You were just an unfortunate gentleman then." "And what else would you be calling me now?" "Hardly unfortunate. We have heard of your good fortune on the seas--how your luck has passed into a byword. And we have heard other things: of your good fortune in other directions." She spoke hastily, the thought of Mademoiselle d'Ogeron in her mind. And instantly would have recalled the words had she been able. But Peter Blood swept them lightly aside, reading into them none of her meaning, as she feared he would. "Aye--a deal of lies, devil a doubt, as I could prove to you." "I cannot think why you should trouble to put yourself on your defence," she discouraged him. "So that ye may think less badly of me than you do." "What I think of you can be a very little matter to you, sir." This was a disarming stroke. He abandoned combat for expostulation. "Can ye say that now? Can ye say that, beholding me in this livery of a service I despise? Didn't ye tell me that I might redeem the past? It's little enough I am concerned to redeem the past save only in your eyes. In my own I've done nothing at all that I am ashamed of, considering the provocation I received." Her glance faltered, and fell away before his own that was so intent. "I... I can't think why you should speak to me like this," she said, with less than her earlier assurance. "Ah, now, can't ye, indeed?" he cried. "Sure, then, I'll be telling ye." "Oh, please." There was real alarm in her voice. "I realize fully what you did, and I realize that partly, at least, you may have been urged by consideration for myself. Believe me, I am very grateful. I shall always be grateful." "But if it's also your intention always to think of me as a thief and a pirate, faith, ye may keep your gratitude for all the good it's like to do me." A livelier colour crept into her cheeks. There was a perceptible heave of the slight breast that faintly swelled the flimsy bodice of white silk. But if she resented his tone and his words, she stifled her resentment. She realized that perhaps she had, herself, provoked his anger. She honestly desired to make amends. "You are mistaken," she began. "It isn't that." But they were fated to misunderstand each other. Jealousy, that troubler of reason, had been over-busy with his wits as it had with hers. "What is it, then?" quoth he, and added the question: "Lord Julian?" She started, and stared at him blankly indignant now. "Och, be frank with me," he urged her, unpardonably. "'Twill be a kindness, so it will." For a moment she stood before him with quickened breathing, the colour ebbing and flowing in her cheeks. Then she looked past him, and tilted her chin forward. "You... you are quite insufferable," she said. "I beg that you will let me pass." He stepped aside, and with the broad feathered hat which he still held in his hand, he waved her on towards the house. "I'll not be detaining you any longer, ma'am. After all, the cursed thing I did for nothing can be undone. Ye'll remember afterwards that it was your hardness drove me." She moved to depart, then checked, and faced him again. It was she now who was on her defence, her voice quivering with indignation. "You take that tone! You dare to take that tone!" she cried, astounding him by her sudden vehemence. "You have the effrontery to upbraid me because I will not take your hands when I know how they are stained; when I know you for a murderer and worse?" He stared at her open-mouthed. "A murderer--I?" he said at last. "Must I name your victims? Did you not murder Levasseur?" "Levasseur?" He smiled a little. "So they've told you about that!" "Do you deny it?" "I killed him, it is true. I can remember killing another man in circumstances that were very similar. That was in Bridgetown on the night of the Spanish raid. Mary Traill would tell you of it. She was present." He clapped his hat on his head with a certain abrupt fierceness, and strode angrily away, before she could answer or even grasp the full significance of what he had said. CHAPTER XXIII. HOSTAGES Peter Blood stood in the pillared portico of Government House, and with unseeing eyes that were laden with pain and anger, stared out across the great harbour of Port Royal to the green hills rising from the farther shore and the ridge of the Blue Mountains beyond, showing hazily through the quivering heat. He was aroused by the return of the negro who had gone to announce him, and following now this slave, he made his way through the house to the wide piazza behind it, in whose shade Colonel Bishop and my Lord Julian Wade took what little air there was. "So ye've come," the Deputy-Governor hailed him, and followed the greeting by a series of grunts of vague but apparently ill-humoured import. He did not trouble to rise, not even when Lord Julian, obeying the instincts of finer breeding, set him the example. From under scowling brows the wealthy Barbados planter considered his sometime slave, who, hat in hand, leaning lightly upon his long beribboned cane, revealed nothing in his countenance of the anger which was being steadily nourished by this cavalier reception. At last, with scowling brow and in self-sufficient tones, Colonel Bishop delivered himself. "I have sent for you, Captain Blood, because of certain news that has just reached me. I am informed that yesterday evening a frigate left the harbour having on board your associate Wolverstone and a hundred men of the hundred and fifty that were serving under you. His lordship and I shall be glad to have your explanation of how you came to permit that departure." "Permit?" quoth Blood. "I ordered it." The answer left Bishop speechless for a moment. Then: "You ordered it?" he said in accents of unbelief, whilst Lord Julian raised his eyebrows. "'Swounds! Perhaps you'll explain yourself? Whither has Wolverstone gone?" "To Tortuga. He's gone with a message to the officers commanding the other four ships of the fleet that is awaiting me there, telling them what's happened and why they are no longer to expect me." Bishop's great face seemed to swell and its high colour to deepen. He swung to Lord Julian. "You hear that, my lord? Deliberately he has let Wolverstone loose upon the seas again--Wolverstone, the worst of all that gang of pirates after himself. I hope your lordship begins at last to perceive the folly of granting the King's commission to such a man as this against all my counsels. Why, this thing is... it's just mutiny... treason! By God! It's matter for a court-martial." "Will you cease your blather of mutiny and treason and courts-martial?" Blood put on his hat, and sat down unbidden. "I have sent Wolverstone to inform Hagthorpe and Christian and Yberville and the rest of my lads that they've one clear month in which to follow my example, quit piracy, and get back to their boucans or their logwood, or else sail out of the Caribbean Sea. That's what I've done." "But the men?" his lordship interposed in his level, cultured voice. "This hundred men that Wolverstone has taken with him?" "They are those of my crew who have no taste for King James's service, and have preferred to seek work of other kinds. It was in our compact, my lord, that there should be no constraining of my men." "I don't remember it," said his lordship, with sincerity. Blood looked at him in surprise. Then he shrugged. "Faith, I'm not to blame for your lordship's poor memory. I say that it was so; and I don't lie. I've never found it necessary. In any case ye couldn't have supposed that I should consent to anything different." And then the Deputy-Governor exploded. "You have given those damned rascals in Tortuga this warning so that they may escape! That is what you have done. That is how you abuse the commission that has saved your own neck!" Peter Blood considered him steadily, his face impassive. "I will remind you," he said at last, very quietly, "that the object in view was--leaving out of account your own appetites which, as every one knows, are just those of a hangman--to rid the Caribbean of buccaneers. Now, I've taken the most effective way of accomplishing that object. The knowledge that I've entered the King's service should in itself go far towards disbanding the fleet of which I was until lately the admiral." "I see!" sneered the Deputy-Governor malevolently. "And if it does not?" "It will be time enough then to consider what else is to be done." Lord Julian forestalled a fresh outburst on the part of Bishop. "It is possible," he said, "that my Lord Sunderland will be satisfied, provided that the solution is such as you promise." It was a courteous, conciliatory speech. Urged by friendliness towards Blood and understanding of the difficult position in which the buccaneer found himself, his lordship was disposed to take his stand upon the letter of his instructions. Therefore he now held out a friendly hand to help him over the latest and most difficult obstacle which Blood himself had enabled Bishop to place in the way of his redemption. Unfortunately the last person from whom Peter Blood desired assistance at that moment was this young nobleman, whom he regarded with the jaundiced eyes of jealousy. "Anyway," he answered, with a suggestion of defiance and more than a suggestion of a sneer, "it's the most ye should expect from me, and certainly it's the most ye'll get." His lordship frowned, and dabbed his lips with a handkerchief. "I don't think that I quite like the way you put it. Indeed, upon reflection, Captain Blood, I am sure that I do not." "I am sorry for that, so I am," said Blood impudently. "But there it is. I'm not on that account concerned to modify it." His lordship's pale eyes opened a little wider. Languidly he raised his eyebrows. "Ah!" he said. "You're a prodigiously uncivil fellow. You disappoint me, sir. I had formed the notion that you might be a gentleman." "And that's not your lordship's only mistake," Bishop cut in. "You made a worse when you gave him the King's commission, and so sheltered the rascal from the gallows I had prepared for him in Port Royal." "Aye--but the worst mistake of all in this matter of commissions," said Blood to his lordship, "was the one that trade this greasy slaver Deputy-Governor of Jamaica instead of its hangman, which is the office for which he's by nature fitted." "Captain Blood!" said his lordship sharply in reproof. "Upon my soul and honour, sir, you go much too far. You are...." But here Bishop interrupted him. He had heaved himself to his feet, at last, and was venting his fury in unprintable abuse. Captain Blood, who had also risen, stood apparently impassive, for the storm to spend itself. When at last this happened, he addressed himself quietly to Lord Julian, as if Colonel Bishop had not spoken. "Your lordship was about to say?" he asked, with challenging smoothness. But his lordship had by now recovered his habitual composure, and was again disposed to be conciliatory. He laughed and shrugged. "Faith! here's a deal of unnecessary heat," said he. "And God knows this plaguey climate provides enough of that. Perhaps, Colonel Bishop, you are a little uncompromising; and you, sir, are certainly a deal too peppery. I have said, speaking on behalf of my Lord Sunderland, that I am content to await the result of your experiment." But Bishop's fury had by now reached a stage in which it was not to be restrained. "Are you, indeed?" he roared. "Well, then, I am not. This is a matter in which your lordship must allow me to be the better judge. And, anyhow, I'll take the risk of acting on my own responsibility." Lord Julian abandoned the struggle. He smiled wearily, shrugged, and waved a hand in implied resignation. The Deputy-Governor stormed on. "Since my lord here has given you a commission, I can't regularly deal with you out of hand for piracy as you deserve. But you shall answer before a court-martial for your action in the matter of Wolverstone, and take the consequences." "I see," said Blood. "Now we come to it. And it's yourself as Deputy-Governor will preside over that same court-martial. So that ye can wipe off old scores by hanging me, it's little ye care how ye do it!" He laughed, and added: "Praemonitus, praemunitus." "What shall that mean?" quoth Lord Julian sharply. "I had imagined that your lordship would have had some education." He was at pains, you see, to be provocative. "It's not the literal meaning I am asking, sir," said Lord Julian, with frosty dignity. "I want to know what you desire me to understand?" "I'll leave your lordship guessing," said Blood. "And I'll be wishing ye both a very good day." He swept off his feathered hat, and made them a leg very elegantly. "Before you go," said Bishop, "and to save you from any idle rashness, I'll tell you that the Harbour-Master and the Commandant have their orders. You don't leave Port Royal, my fine gallows bird. Damme, I mean to provide you with permanent moorings here, in Execution Dock." Peter Blood stiffened, and his vivid blue

flashes

How many times the word 'flashes' appears in the text?

But what did I tell ye? Ye see, the young gentleman's under a misapprehension entirely. Perhaps it'll save broken bones if your lordship explains just who and what I am." Lord Julian advanced a step and bowed perfunctorily and rather disdainfully to that very disdainful but now dumbfounded officer. Pitt, who watched the scene from the quarter-deck rail, tells us that his lordship was as grave as a parson at a hanging. But I suspect this gravity for a mask under which Lord Julian was secretly amused. "I have the honour to inform you, sir," he said stiffly, "that Captain Blood holds a commission in the King's service under the seal of my Lord Sunderland, His Majesty's Secretary of State." Captain Calverley's face empurpled; his eyes bulged. The buccaneers in the background chuckled and crowed and swore among themselves in their relish of this comedy. For a long moment Calverley stared in silence at his lordship, observing the costly elegance of his dress, his air of calm assurance, and his cold, fastidious speech, all of which savoured distinctly of the great world to which he belonged. "And who the devil may you be?" he exploded at last. Colder still and more distant than ever grew his lordship's voice. "You're not very civil, sir, as I have already noticed. My name is Wade--Lord Julian Wade. I am His Majesty's envoy to these barbarous parts, and my Lord Sunderland's near kinsman. Colonel Bishop has been notified of my coming." The sudden change in Calverley's manner at Lord Julian's mention of his name showed that the notification had been received, and that he had knowledge of it. "I... I believe that he has," said Calverley, between doubt and suspicion. "That is: that he has been notified of the coming of Lord Julian Wade. But... but... aboard this ship...?" The officer made a gesture of helplessness, and, surrendering to his bewilderment, fell abruptly silent. "I was coming out on the Royal Mary...." "That is what we were advised." "But the Royal Mary fell a victim to a Spanish privateer, and I might never have arrived at all but for the gallantry of Captain Blood, who rescued me." Light broke upon the darkness of Calverley's mind. "I see. I understand." "I will take leave to doubt it." His lordship's tone abated nothing of its asperity. "But that can wait. If Captain Blood will show you his commission, perhaps that will set all doubts at rest, and we may proceed. I shall be glad to reach Port Royal." Captain Blood thrust a parchment under Calverley's bulging eyes. The officer scanned it, particularly the seals and signature. He stepped back, a baffled, impotent man. He bowed helplessly. "I must return to Colonel Bishop for my orders," he informed them. At that moment a lane was opened in the ranks of the men, and through this came Miss Bishop followed by her octoroon woman. Over his shoulder Captain Blood observed her approach. "Perhaps, since Colonel Bishop is with you, you will convey his niece to him. Miss Bishop was aboard the Royal Mary also, and I rescued her together with his lordship. She will be able to acquaint her uncle with the details of that and of the present state of affairs." Swept thus from surprise to surprise, Captain Calverley could do no more than bow again. "As for me," said Lord Julian, with intent to make Miss Bishop's departure free from all interference on the part of the buccaneers, "I shall remain aboard the Arabella until we reach Port Royal. My compliments to Colonel Bishop. Say that I look forward to making his acquaintance there." CHAPTER XXII. HOSTILITIES In the great harbour of Port Royal, spacious enough to have given moorings to all the ships of all the navies of the world, the Arabella rode at anchor. Almost she had the air of a prisoner, for a quarter of a mile ahead, to starboard, rose the lofty, massive single round tower of the fort, whilst a couple of cables'-length astern, and to larboard, rode the six men-of-war that composed the Jamaica squadron. Abeam with the Arabella, across the harbour, were the flat-fronted white buildings of that imposing city that came down to the very water's edge. Behind these the red roofs rose like terraces, marking the gentle slope upon which the city was built, dominated here by a turret, there by a spire, and behind these again a range of green hills with for ultimate background a sky that was like a dome of polished steel. On a cane day-bed that had been set for him on the quarter-deck, sheltered from the dazzling, blistering sunshine by an improvised awning of brown sailcloth, lounged Peter Blood, a calf-bound, well-thumbed copy of Horace's Odes neglected in his hands. From immediately below him came the swish of mops and the gurgle of water in the scuppers, for it was still early morning, and under the directions of Hayton, the bo'sun, the swabbers were at work in the waist and forecastle. Despite the heat and the stagnant air, one of the toilers found breath to croak a ribald buccaneering ditty: "For we laid her board and board, And we put her to the sword, And we sank her in the deep blue sea. So It's heigh-ho, and heave-a-ho! Who'll sail for the Main with me?" Blood fetched a sigh, and the ghost of a smile played over his lean, sun-tanned face. Then the black brows came together above the vivid blue eyes, and thought swiftly closed the door upon his immediate surroundings. Things had not sped at all well with him in the past fortnight since his acceptance of the King's commission. There had been trouble with Bishop from the moment of landing. As Blood and Lord Julian had stepped ashore together, they had been met by a man who took no pains to dissemble his chagrin at the turn of events and his determination to change it. He awaited them on the mole, supported by a group of officers. "You are Lord Julian Wade, I understand," was his truculent greeting. For Blood at the moment he had nothing beyond a malignant glance. Lord Julian bowed. "I take it I have the honour to address Colonel Bishop, Deputy-Governor of Jamaica." It was almost as if his lordship were giving the Colonel a lesson in deportment. The Colonel accepted it, and belatedly bowed, removing his broad hat. Then he plunged on. "You have granted, I am told, the King's commission to this man." His very tone betrayed the bitterness of his rancour. "Your motives were no doubt worthy... your gratitude to him for delivering you from the Spaniards. But the thing itself is unthinkable, my lord. The commission must be cancelled." "I don't think I understand," said Lord Julian distantly. "To be sure you don't, or you'd never ha' done it. The fellow's bubbled you. Why, he's first a rebel, then an escaped slave, and lastly a bloody pirate. I've been hunting him this year past." "I assure you, sir, that I was fully informed of all. I do not grant the King's commission lightly." "Don't you, by God! And what else do you call this? But as His Majesty's Deputy-Governor of Jamaica, I'll take leave to correct your mistake in my own way." "Ah! And what way may that be?" "There's a gallows waiting for this rascal in Port Royal." Blood would have intervened at that, but Lord Julian forestalled him. "I see, sir, that you do not yet quite apprehend the circumstances. If it is a mistake to grant Captain Blood a commission, the mistake is not mine. I am acting upon the instructions of my Lord Sunderland; and with a full knowledge of all the facts, his lordship expressly designated Captain Blood for this commission if Captain Blood could be persuaded to accept it." Colonel Bishop's mouth fell open in surprise and dismay. "Lord Sunderland designated him?" he asked, amazed. "Expressly." His lordship waited a moment for a reply. None coming from the speechless Deputy-Governor, he asked a question: "Would you still venture to describe the matter as a mistake, sir? And dare you take the risk of correcting it?" "I... I had not dreamed...." "I understand, sir. Let me present Captain Blood." Perforce Bishop must put on the best face he could command. But that it was no more than a mask for his fury and his venom was plain to all. From that unpromising beginning matters had not improved; rather had they grown worse. Blood's thoughts were upon this and other things as he lounged there on the day-bed. He had been a fortnight in Port Royal, his ship virtually a unit now in the Jamaica squadron. And when the news of it reached Tortuga and the buccaneers who awaited his return, the name of Captain Blood, which had stood so high among the Brethren of the Coast, would become a byword, a thing of execration, and before all was done his life might pay forfeit for what would be accounted a treacherous defection. And for what had he placed himself in this position? For the sake of a girl who avoided him so persistently and intentionally that he must assume that she still regarded him with aversion. He had scarcely been vouchsafed a glimpse of her in all this fortnight, although with that in view for his main object he had daily haunted her uncle's residence, and daily braved the unmasked hostility and baffled rancour in which Colonel Bishop held him. Nor was that the worst of it. He was allowed plainly to perceive that it was the graceful, elegant young trifler from St. James's, Lord Julian Wade, to whom her every moment was devoted. And what chance had he, a desperate adventurer with a record of outlawry, against such a rival as that, a man of parts, moreover, as he was bound to admit? You conceive the bitterness of his soul. He beheld himself to be as the dog in the fable that had dropped the substance to snatch at a delusive shadow. He sought comfort in a line on the open page before him: "levius fit patientia quicquid corrigere est nefas." Sought it, but hardly found it. A boat that had approached unnoticed from the shore came scraping and bumping against the great red hull of the Arabella, and a raucous voice sent up a hailing shout. From the ship's belfry two silvery notes rang clear and sharp, and a moment or two later the bo'sun's whistle shrilled a long wail. The sounds disturbed Captain Blood from his disgruntled musings. He rose, tall, active, and arrestingly elegant in a scarlet, gold-laced coat that advertised his new position, and slipping the slender volume into his pocket, advanced to the carved rail of the quarter-deck, just as Jeremy Pitt was setting foot upon the companion. "A note for you from the Deputy-Governor," said the master shortly, as he proffered a folded sheet. Blood broke the seal, and read. Pitt, loosely clad in shirt and breeches, leaned against the rail the while and watched him, unmistakable concern imprinted on his fair, frank countenance. Blood uttered a short laugh, and curled his lip. "It is a very peremptory summons," he said, and passed the note to his friend. The young master's grey eyes skimmed it. Thoughtfully he stroked his golden beard. "You'll not go?" he said, between question and assertion. "Why not? Haven't I been a daily visitor at the fort...?" "But it'll be about the Old Wolf that he wants to see you. It gives him a grievance at last. You know, Peter, that it is Lord Julian alone has stood between Bishop and his hate of you. If now he can show that...." "What if he can?" Blood interrupted carelessly. "Shall I be in greater danger ashore than aboard, now that we've but fifty men left, and they lukewarm rogues who would as soon serve the King as me? Jeremy, dear lad, the Arabella's a prisoner here, bedad, 'twixt the fort there and the fleet yonder. Don't be forgetting that." Jeremy clenched his hands. "Why did ye let Wolverstone and the others go?" he cried, with a touch of bitterness. "You should have seen the danger." "How could I in honesty have detained them? It was in the bargain. Besides, how could their staying have helped me?" And as Pitt did not answer him: "Ye see?" he said, and shrugged. "I'll be getting my hat and cane and sword, and go ashore in the cock-boat. See it manned for me." "Ye're going to deliver yourself into Bishop's hands," Pitt warned him. "Well, well, maybe he'll not find me quite so easy to grasp as he imagines. There's a thorn or two left on me." And with a laugh Blood departed to his cabin. Jeremy Pitt answered the laugh with an oath. A moment he stood irresolute where Blood had left him. Then slowly, reluctance dragging at his feet, he went down the companion to give the order for the cock-boat. "If anything should happen to you, Peter," he said, as Blood was going over the side, "Colonel Bishop had better look to himself. These fifty lads may be lukewarm at present, as you say, but--sink me!--they'll be anything but lukewarm if there's a breach of faith." "And what should be happening to me, Jeremy? Sure, now, I'll be back for dinner, so I will." Blood climbed down into the waiting boat. But laugh though he might, he knew as well as Pitt that in going ashore that morning he carried his life in his hands. Because of this, it may have been that when he stepped on to the narrow mole, in the shadow of the shallow outer wall of the fort through whose crenels were thrust the black noses of its heavy guns, he gave order that the boat should stay for him at that spot. He realized that he might have to retreat in a hurry. Walking leisurely, he skirted the embattled wall, and passed through the great gates into the courtyard. Half-a-dozen soldiers lounged there, and in the shadow cast by the wall, Major Mallard, the Commandant, was slowly pacing. He stopped short at sight of Captain Blood, and saluted him, as was his due, but the smile that lifted the officer's stiff mostachios was grimly sardonic. Peter Blood's attention, however, was elsewhere. On his right stretched a spacious garden, beyond which rose the white house that was the residence of the Deputy-Governor. In that garden's main avenue, that was fringed with palm and sandalwood, he had caught sight of Miss Bishop alone. He crossed the courtyard with suddenly lengthened stride. "Good-morning to ye, ma'am," was his greeting as he overtook her; and hat in hand now, he added on a note of protest: "Sure, it's nothing less than uncharitable to make me run in this heat." "Why do you run, then?" she asked him coolly, standing slim and straight before him, all in white and very maidenly save in her unnatural composure. "I am pressed," she informed him. "So you will forgive me if I do not stay." "You were none so pressed until I came," he protested, and if his thin lips smiled, his blue eyes were oddly hard. "Since you perceive it, sir, I wonder that you trouble to be so insistent." That crossed the swords between them, and it was against Blood's instincts to avoid an engagement. "Faith, you explain yourself after a fashion," said he. "But since it was more or less in your service that I donned the King's coat, you should suffer it to cover the thief and pirate." She shrugged and turned aside, in some resentment and some regret. Fearing to betray the latter, she took refuge in the former. "I do my best," said she. "So that ye can be charitable in some ways!" He laughed softly. "Glory be, now, I should be thankful for so much. Maybe I'm presumptuous. But I can't forget that when I was no better than a slave in your uncle's household in Barbados, ye used me with a certain kindness." "Why not? In those days you had some claim upon my kindness. You were just an unfortunate gentleman then." "And what else would you be calling me now?" "Hardly unfortunate. We have heard of your good fortune on the seas--how your luck has passed into a byword. And we have heard other things: of your good fortune in other directions." She spoke hastily, the thought of Mademoiselle d'Ogeron in her mind. And instantly would have recalled the words had she been able. But Peter Blood swept them lightly aside, reading into them none of her meaning, as she feared he would. "Aye--a deal of lies, devil a doubt, as I could prove to you." "I cannot think why you should trouble to put yourself on your defence," she discouraged him. "So that ye may think less badly of me than you do." "What I think of you can be a very little matter to you, sir." This was a disarming stroke. He abandoned combat for expostulation. "Can ye say that now? Can ye say that, beholding me in this livery of a service I despise? Didn't ye tell me that I might redeem the past? It's little enough I am concerned to redeem the past save only in your eyes. In my own I've done nothing at all that I am ashamed of, considering the provocation I received." Her glance faltered, and fell away before his own that was so intent. "I... I can't think why you should speak to me like this," she said, with less than her earlier assurance. "Ah, now, can't ye, indeed?" he cried. "Sure, then, I'll be telling ye." "Oh, please." There was real alarm in her voice. "I realize fully what you did, and I realize that partly, at least, you may have been urged by consideration for myself. Believe me, I am very grateful. I shall always be grateful." "But if it's also your intention always to think of me as a thief and a pirate, faith, ye may keep your gratitude for all the good it's like to do me." A livelier colour crept into her cheeks. There was a perceptible heave of the slight breast that faintly swelled the flimsy bodice of white silk. But if she resented his tone and his words, she stifled her resentment. She realized that perhaps she had, herself, provoked his anger. She honestly desired to make amends. "You are mistaken," she began. "It isn't that." But they were fated to misunderstand each other. Jealousy, that troubler of reason, had been over-busy with his wits as it had with hers. "What is it, then?" quoth he, and added the question: "Lord Julian?" She started, and stared at him blankly indignant now. "Och, be frank with me," he urged her, unpardonably. "'Twill be a kindness, so it will." For a moment she stood before him with quickened breathing, the colour ebbing and flowing in her cheeks. Then she looked past him, and tilted her chin forward. "You... you are quite insufferable," she said. "I beg that you will let me pass." He stepped aside, and with the broad feathered hat which he still held in his hand, he waved her on towards the house. "I'll not be detaining you any longer, ma'am. After all, the cursed thing I did for nothing can be undone. Ye'll remember afterwards that it was your hardness drove me." She moved to depart, then checked, and faced him again. It was she now who was on her defence, her voice quivering with indignation. "You take that tone! You dare to take that tone!" she cried, astounding him by her sudden vehemence. "You have the effrontery to upbraid me because I will not take your hands when I know how they are stained; when I know you for a murderer and worse?" He stared at her open-mouthed. "A murderer--I?" he said at last. "Must I name your victims? Did you not murder Levasseur?" "Levasseur?" He smiled a little. "So they've told you about that!" "Do you deny it?" "I killed him, it is true. I can remember killing another man in circumstances that were very similar. That was in Bridgetown on the night of the Spanish raid. Mary Traill would tell you of it. She was present." He clapped his hat on his head with a certain abrupt fierceness, and strode angrily away, before she could answer or even grasp the full significance of what he had said. CHAPTER XXIII. HOSTAGES Peter Blood stood in the pillared portico of Government House, and with unseeing eyes that were laden with pain and anger, stared out across the great harbour of Port Royal to the green hills rising from the farther shore and the ridge of the Blue Mountains beyond, showing hazily through the quivering heat. He was aroused by the return of the negro who had gone to announce him, and following now this slave, he made his way through the house to the wide piazza behind it, in whose shade Colonel Bishop and my Lord Julian Wade took what little air there was. "So ye've come," the Deputy-Governor hailed him, and followed the greeting by a series of grunts of vague but apparently ill-humoured import. He did not trouble to rise, not even when Lord Julian, obeying the instincts of finer breeding, set him the example. From under scowling brows the wealthy Barbados planter considered his sometime slave, who, hat in hand, leaning lightly upon his long beribboned cane, revealed nothing in his countenance of the anger which was being steadily nourished by this cavalier reception. At last, with scowling brow and in self-sufficient tones, Colonel Bishop delivered himself. "I have sent for you, Captain Blood, because of certain news that has just reached me. I am informed that yesterday evening a frigate left the harbour having on board your associate Wolverstone and a hundred men of the hundred and fifty that were serving under you. His lordship and I shall be glad to have your explanation of how you came to permit that departure." "Permit?" quoth Blood. "I ordered it." The answer left Bishop speechless for a moment. Then: "You ordered it?" he said in accents of unbelief, whilst Lord Julian raised his eyebrows. "'Swounds! Perhaps you'll explain yourself? Whither has Wolverstone gone?" "To Tortuga. He's gone with a message to the officers commanding the other four ships of the fleet that is awaiting me there, telling them what's happened and why they are no longer to expect me." Bishop's great face seemed to swell and its high colour to deepen. He swung to Lord Julian. "You hear that, my lord? Deliberately he has let Wolverstone loose upon the seas again--Wolverstone, the worst of all that gang of pirates after himself. I hope your lordship begins at last to perceive the folly of granting the King's commission to such a man as this against all my counsels. Why, this thing is... it's just mutiny... treason! By God! It's matter for a court-martial." "Will you cease your blather of mutiny and treason and courts-martial?" Blood put on his hat, and sat down unbidden. "I have sent Wolverstone to inform Hagthorpe and Christian and Yberville and the rest of my lads that they've one clear month in which to follow my example, quit piracy, and get back to their boucans or their logwood, or else sail out of the Caribbean Sea. That's what I've done." "But the men?" his lordship interposed in his level, cultured voice. "This hundred men that Wolverstone has taken with him?" "They are those of my crew who have no taste for King James's service, and have preferred to seek work of other kinds. It was in our compact, my lord, that there should be no constraining of my men." "I don't remember it," said his lordship, with sincerity. Blood looked at him in surprise. Then he shrugged. "Faith, I'm not to blame for your lordship's poor memory. I say that it was so; and I don't lie. I've never found it necessary. In any case ye couldn't have supposed that I should consent to anything different." And then the Deputy-Governor exploded. "You have given those damned rascals in Tortuga this warning so that they may escape! That is what you have done. That is how you abuse the commission that has saved your own neck!" Peter Blood considered him steadily, his face impassive. "I will remind you," he said at last, very quietly, "that the object in view was--leaving out of account your own appetites which, as every one knows, are just those of a hangman--to rid the Caribbean of buccaneers. Now, I've taken the most effective way of accomplishing that object. The knowledge that I've entered the King's service should in itself go far towards disbanding the fleet of which I was until lately the admiral." "I see!" sneered the Deputy-Governor malevolently. "And if it does not?" "It will be time enough then to consider what else is to be done." Lord Julian forestalled a fresh outburst on the part of Bishop. "It is possible," he said, "that my Lord Sunderland will be satisfied, provided that the solution is such as you promise." It was a courteous, conciliatory speech. Urged by friendliness towards Blood and understanding of the difficult position in which the buccaneer found himself, his lordship was disposed to take his stand upon the letter of his instructions. Therefore he now held out a friendly hand to help him over the latest and most difficult obstacle which Blood himself had enabled Bishop to place in the way of his redemption. Unfortunately the last person from whom Peter Blood desired assistance at that moment was this young nobleman, whom he regarded with the jaundiced eyes of jealousy. "Anyway," he answered, with a suggestion of defiance and more than a suggestion of a sneer, "it's the most ye should expect from me, and certainly it's the most ye'll get." His lordship frowned, and dabbed his lips with a handkerchief. "I don't think that I quite like the way you put it. Indeed, upon reflection, Captain Blood, I am sure that I do not." "I am sorry for that, so I am," said Blood impudently. "But there it is. I'm not on that account concerned to modify it." His lordship's pale eyes opened a little wider. Languidly he raised his eyebrows. "Ah!" he said. "You're a prodigiously uncivil fellow. You disappoint me, sir. I had formed the notion that you might be a gentleman." "And that's not your lordship's only mistake," Bishop cut in. "You made a worse when you gave him the King's commission, and so sheltered the rascal from the gallows I had prepared for him in Port Royal." "Aye--but the worst mistake of all in this matter of commissions," said Blood to his lordship, "was the one that trade this greasy slaver Deputy-Governor of Jamaica instead of its hangman, which is the office for which he's by nature fitted." "Captain Blood!" said his lordship sharply in reproof. "Upon my soul and honour, sir, you go much too far. You are...." But here Bishop interrupted him. He had heaved himself to his feet, at last, and was venting his fury in unprintable abuse. Captain Blood, who had also risen, stood apparently impassive, for the storm to spend itself. When at last this happened, he addressed himself quietly to Lord Julian, as if Colonel Bishop had not spoken. "Your lordship was about to say?" he asked, with challenging smoothness. But his lordship had by now recovered his habitual composure, and was again disposed to be conciliatory. He laughed and shrugged. "Faith! here's a deal of unnecessary heat," said he. "And God knows this plaguey climate provides enough of that. Perhaps, Colonel Bishop, you are a little uncompromising; and you, sir, are certainly a deal too peppery. I have said, speaking on behalf of my Lord Sunderland, that I am content to await the result of your experiment." But Bishop's fury had by now reached a stage in which it was not to be restrained. "Are you, indeed?" he roared. "Well, then, I am not. This is a matter in which your lordship must allow me to be the better judge. And, anyhow, I'll take the risk of acting on my own responsibility." Lord Julian abandoned the struggle. He smiled wearily, shrugged, and waved a hand in implied resignation. The Deputy-Governor stormed on. "Since my lord here has given you a commission, I can't regularly deal with you out of hand for piracy as you deserve. But you shall answer before a court-martial for your action in the matter of Wolverstone, and take the consequences." "I see," said Blood. "Now we come to it. And it's yourself as Deputy-Governor will preside over that same court-martial. So that ye can wipe off old scores by hanging me, it's little ye care how ye do it!" He laughed, and added: "Praemonitus, praemunitus." "What shall that mean?" quoth Lord Julian sharply. "I had imagined that your lordship would have had some education." He was at pains, you see, to be provocative. "It's not the literal meaning I am asking, sir," said Lord Julian, with frosty dignity. "I want to know what you desire me to understand?" "I'll leave your lordship guessing," said Blood. "And I'll be wishing ye both a very good day." He swept off his feathered hat, and made them a leg very elegantly. "Before you go," said Bishop, "and to save you from any idle rashness, I'll tell you that the Harbour-Master and the Commandant have their orders. You don't leave Port Royal, my fine gallows bird. Damme, I mean to provide you with permanent moorings here, in Execution Dock." Peter Blood stiffened, and his vivid blue

oven--

How many times the word 'oven--' appears in the text?

But what did I tell ye? Ye see, the young gentleman's under a misapprehension entirely. Perhaps it'll save broken bones if your lordship explains just who and what I am." Lord Julian advanced a step and bowed perfunctorily and rather disdainfully to that very disdainful but now dumbfounded officer. Pitt, who watched the scene from the quarter-deck rail, tells us that his lordship was as grave as a parson at a hanging. But I suspect this gravity for a mask under which Lord Julian was secretly amused. "I have the honour to inform you, sir," he said stiffly, "that Captain Blood holds a commission in the King's service under the seal of my Lord Sunderland, His Majesty's Secretary of State." Captain Calverley's face empurpled; his eyes bulged. The buccaneers in the background chuckled and crowed and swore among themselves in their relish of this comedy. For a long moment Calverley stared in silence at his lordship, observing the costly elegance of his dress, his air of calm assurance, and his cold, fastidious speech, all of which savoured distinctly of the great world to which he belonged. "And who the devil may you be?" he exploded at last. Colder still and more distant than ever grew his lordship's voice. "You're not very civil, sir, as I have already noticed. My name is Wade--Lord Julian Wade. I am His Majesty's envoy to these barbarous parts, and my Lord Sunderland's near kinsman. Colonel Bishop has been notified of my coming." The sudden change in Calverley's manner at Lord Julian's mention of his name showed that the notification had been received, and that he had knowledge of it. "I... I believe that he has," said Calverley, between doubt and suspicion. "That is: that he has been notified of the coming of Lord Julian Wade. But... but... aboard this ship...?" The officer made a gesture of helplessness, and, surrendering to his bewilderment, fell abruptly silent. "I was coming out on the Royal Mary...." "That is what we were advised." "But the Royal Mary fell a victim to a Spanish privateer, and I might never have arrived at all but for the gallantry of Captain Blood, who rescued me." Light broke upon the darkness of Calverley's mind. "I see. I understand." "I will take leave to doubt it." His lordship's tone abated nothing of its asperity. "But that can wait. If Captain Blood will show you his commission, perhaps that will set all doubts at rest, and we may proceed. I shall be glad to reach Port Royal." Captain Blood thrust a parchment under Calverley's bulging eyes. The officer scanned it, particularly the seals and signature. He stepped back, a baffled, impotent man. He bowed helplessly. "I must return to Colonel Bishop for my orders," he informed them. At that moment a lane was opened in the ranks of the men, and through this came Miss Bishop followed by her octoroon woman. Over his shoulder Captain Blood observed her approach. "Perhaps, since Colonel Bishop is with you, you will convey his niece to him. Miss Bishop was aboard the Royal Mary also, and I rescued her together with his lordship. She will be able to acquaint her uncle with the details of that and of the present state of affairs." Swept thus from surprise to surprise, Captain Calverley could do no more than bow again. "As for me," said Lord Julian, with intent to make Miss Bishop's departure free from all interference on the part of the buccaneers, "I shall remain aboard the Arabella until we reach Port Royal. My compliments to Colonel Bishop. Say that I look forward to making his acquaintance there." CHAPTER XXII. HOSTILITIES In the great harbour of Port Royal, spacious enough to have given moorings to all the ships of all the navies of the world, the Arabella rode at anchor. Almost she had the air of a prisoner, for a quarter of a mile ahead, to starboard, rose the lofty, massive single round tower of the fort, whilst a couple of cables'-length astern, and to larboard, rode the six men-of-war that composed the Jamaica squadron. Abeam with the Arabella, across the harbour, were the flat-fronted white buildings of that imposing city that came down to the very water's edge. Behind these the red roofs rose like terraces, marking the gentle slope upon which the city was built, dominated here by a turret, there by a spire, and behind these again a range of green hills with for ultimate background a sky that was like a dome of polished steel. On a cane day-bed that had been set for him on the quarter-deck, sheltered from the dazzling, blistering sunshine by an improvised awning of brown sailcloth, lounged Peter Blood, a calf-bound, well-thumbed copy of Horace's Odes neglected in his hands. From immediately below him came the swish of mops and the gurgle of water in the scuppers, for it was still early morning, and under the directions of Hayton, the bo'sun, the swabbers were at work in the waist and forecastle. Despite the heat and the stagnant air, one of the toilers found breath to croak a ribald buccaneering ditty: "For we laid her board and board, And we put her to the sword, And we sank her in the deep blue sea. So It's heigh-ho, and heave-a-ho! Who'll sail for the Main with me?" Blood fetched a sigh, and the ghost of a smile played over his lean, sun-tanned face. Then the black brows came together above the vivid blue eyes, and thought swiftly closed the door upon his immediate surroundings. Things had not sped at all well with him in the past fortnight since his acceptance of the King's commission. There had been trouble with Bishop from the moment of landing. As Blood and Lord Julian had stepped ashore together, they had been met by a man who took no pains to dissemble his chagrin at the turn of events and his determination to change it. He awaited them on the mole, supported by a group of officers. "You are Lord Julian Wade, I understand," was his truculent greeting. For Blood at the moment he had nothing beyond a malignant glance. Lord Julian bowed. "I take it I have the honour to address Colonel Bishop, Deputy-Governor of Jamaica." It was almost as if his lordship were giving the Colonel a lesson in deportment. The Colonel accepted it, and belatedly bowed, removing his broad hat. Then he plunged on. "You have granted, I am told, the King's commission to this man." His very tone betrayed the bitterness of his rancour. "Your motives were no doubt worthy... your gratitude to him for delivering you from the Spaniards. But the thing itself is unthinkable, my lord. The commission must be cancelled." "I don't think I understand," said Lord Julian distantly. "To be sure you don't, or you'd never ha' done it. The fellow's bubbled you. Why, he's first a rebel, then an escaped slave, and lastly a bloody pirate. I've been hunting him this year past." "I assure you, sir, that I was fully informed of all. I do not grant the King's commission lightly." "Don't you, by God! And what else do you call this? But as His Majesty's Deputy-Governor of Jamaica, I'll take leave to correct your mistake in my own way." "Ah! And what way may that be?" "There's a gallows waiting for this rascal in Port Royal." Blood would have intervened at that, but Lord Julian forestalled him. "I see, sir, that you do not yet quite apprehend the circumstances. If it is a mistake to grant Captain Blood a commission, the mistake is not mine. I am acting upon the instructions of my Lord Sunderland; and with a full knowledge of all the facts, his lordship expressly designated Captain Blood for this commission if Captain Blood could be persuaded to accept it." Colonel Bishop's mouth fell open in surprise and dismay. "Lord Sunderland designated him?" he asked, amazed. "Expressly." His lordship waited a moment for a reply. None coming from the speechless Deputy-Governor, he asked a question: "Would you still venture to describe the matter as a mistake, sir? And dare you take the risk of correcting it?" "I... I had not dreamed...." "I understand, sir. Let me present Captain Blood." Perforce Bishop must put on the best face he could command. But that it was no more than a mask for his fury and his venom was plain to all. From that unpromising beginning matters had not improved; rather had they grown worse. Blood's thoughts were upon this and other things as he lounged there on the day-bed. He had been a fortnight in Port Royal, his ship virtually a unit now in the Jamaica squadron. And when the news of it reached Tortuga and the buccaneers who awaited his return, the name of Captain Blood, which had stood so high among the Brethren of the Coast, would become a byword, a thing of execration, and before all was done his life might pay forfeit for what would be accounted a treacherous defection. And for what had he placed himself in this position? For the sake of a girl who avoided him so persistently and intentionally that he must assume that she still regarded him with aversion. He had scarcely been vouchsafed a glimpse of her in all this fortnight, although with that in view for his main object he had daily haunted her uncle's residence, and daily braved the unmasked hostility and baffled rancour in which Colonel Bishop held him. Nor was that the worst of it. He was allowed plainly to perceive that it was the graceful, elegant young trifler from St. James's, Lord Julian Wade, to whom her every moment was devoted. And what chance had he, a desperate adventurer with a record of outlawry, against such a rival as that, a man of parts, moreover, as he was bound to admit? You conceive the bitterness of his soul. He beheld himself to be as the dog in the fable that had dropped the substance to snatch at a delusive shadow. He sought comfort in a line on the open page before him: "levius fit patientia quicquid corrigere est nefas." Sought it, but hardly found it. A boat that had approached unnoticed from the shore came scraping and bumping against the great red hull of the Arabella, and a raucous voice sent up a hailing shout. From the ship's belfry two silvery notes rang clear and sharp, and a moment or two later the bo'sun's whistle shrilled a long wail. The sounds disturbed Captain Blood from his disgruntled musings. He rose, tall, active, and arrestingly elegant in a scarlet, gold-laced coat that advertised his new position, and slipping the slender volume into his pocket, advanced to the carved rail of the quarter-deck, just as Jeremy Pitt was setting foot upon the companion. "A note for you from the Deputy-Governor," said the master shortly, as he proffered a folded sheet. Blood broke the seal, and read. Pitt, loosely clad in shirt and breeches, leaned against the rail the while and watched him, unmistakable concern imprinted on his fair, frank countenance. Blood uttered a short laugh, and curled his lip. "It is a very peremptory summons," he said, and passed the note to his friend. The young master's grey eyes skimmed it. Thoughtfully he stroked his golden beard. "You'll not go?" he said, between question and assertion. "Why not? Haven't I been a daily visitor at the fort...?" "But it'll be about the Old Wolf that he wants to see you. It gives him a grievance at last. You know, Peter, that it is Lord Julian alone has stood between Bishop and his hate of you. If now he can show that...." "What if he can?" Blood interrupted carelessly. "Shall I be in greater danger ashore than aboard, now that we've but fifty men left, and they lukewarm rogues who would as soon serve the King as me? Jeremy, dear lad, the Arabella's a prisoner here, bedad, 'twixt the fort there and the fleet yonder. Don't be forgetting that." Jeremy clenched his hands. "Why did ye let Wolverstone and the others go?" he cried, with a touch of bitterness. "You should have seen the danger." "How could I in honesty have detained them? It was in the bargain. Besides, how could their staying have helped me?" And as Pitt did not answer him: "Ye see?" he said, and shrugged. "I'll be getting my hat and cane and sword, and go ashore in the cock-boat. See it manned for me." "Ye're going to deliver yourself into Bishop's hands," Pitt warned him. "Well, well, maybe he'll not find me quite so easy to grasp as he imagines. There's a thorn or two left on me." And with a laugh Blood departed to his cabin. Jeremy Pitt answered the laugh with an oath. A moment he stood irresolute where Blood had left him. Then slowly, reluctance dragging at his feet, he went down the companion to give the order for the cock-boat. "If anything should happen to you, Peter," he said, as Blood was going over the side, "Colonel Bishop had better look to himself. These fifty lads may be lukewarm at present, as you say, but--sink me!--they'll be anything but lukewarm if there's a breach of faith." "And what should be happening to me, Jeremy? Sure, now, I'll be back for dinner, so I will." Blood climbed down into the waiting boat. But laugh though he might, he knew as well as Pitt that in going ashore that morning he carried his life in his hands. Because of this, it may have been that when he stepped on to the narrow mole, in the shadow of the shallow outer wall of the fort through whose crenels were thrust the black noses of its heavy guns, he gave order that the boat should stay for him at that spot. He realized that he might have to retreat in a hurry. Walking leisurely, he skirted the embattled wall, and passed through the great gates into the courtyard. Half-a-dozen soldiers lounged there, and in the shadow cast by the wall, Major Mallard, the Commandant, was slowly pacing. He stopped short at sight of Captain Blood, and saluted him, as was his due, but the smile that lifted the officer's stiff mostachios was grimly sardonic. Peter Blood's attention, however, was elsewhere. On his right stretched a spacious garden, beyond which rose the white house that was the residence of the Deputy-Governor. In that garden's main avenue, that was fringed with palm and sandalwood, he had caught sight of Miss Bishop alone. He crossed the courtyard with suddenly lengthened stride. "Good-morning to ye, ma'am," was his greeting as he overtook her; and hat in hand now, he added on a note of protest: "Sure, it's nothing less than uncharitable to make me run in this heat." "Why do you run, then?" she asked him coolly, standing slim and straight before him, all in white and very maidenly save in her unnatural composure. "I am pressed," she informed him. "So you will forgive me if I do not stay." "You were none so pressed until I came," he protested, and if his thin lips smiled, his blue eyes were oddly hard. "Since you perceive it, sir, I wonder that you trouble to be so insistent." That crossed the swords between them, and it was against Blood's instincts to avoid an engagement. "Faith, you explain yourself after a fashion," said he. "But since it was more or less in your service that I donned the King's coat, you should suffer it to cover the thief and pirate." She shrugged and turned aside, in some resentment and some regret. Fearing to betray the latter, she took refuge in the former. "I do my best," said she. "So that ye can be charitable in some ways!" He laughed softly. "Glory be, now, I should be thankful for so much. Maybe I'm presumptuous. But I can't forget that when I was no better than a slave in your uncle's household in Barbados, ye used me with a certain kindness." "Why not? In those days you had some claim upon my kindness. You were just an unfortunate gentleman then." "And what else would you be calling me now?" "Hardly unfortunate. We have heard of your good fortune on the seas--how your luck has passed into a byword. And we have heard other things: of your good fortune in other directions." She spoke hastily, the thought of Mademoiselle d'Ogeron in her mind. And instantly would have recalled the words had she been able. But Peter Blood swept them lightly aside, reading into them none of her meaning, as she feared he would. "Aye--a deal of lies, devil a doubt, as I could prove to you." "I cannot think why you should trouble to put yourself on your defence," she discouraged him. "So that ye may think less badly of me than you do." "What I think of you can be a very little matter to you, sir." This was a disarming stroke. He abandoned combat for expostulation. "Can ye say that now? Can ye say that, beholding me in this livery of a service I despise? Didn't ye tell me that I might redeem the past? It's little enough I am concerned to redeem the past save only in your eyes. In my own I've done nothing at all that I am ashamed of, considering the provocation I received." Her glance faltered, and fell away before his own that was so intent. "I... I can't think why you should speak to me like this," she said, with less than her earlier assurance. "Ah, now, can't ye, indeed?" he cried. "Sure, then, I'll be telling ye." "Oh, please." There was real alarm in her voice. "I realize fully what you did, and I realize that partly, at least, you may have been urged by consideration for myself. Believe me, I am very grateful. I shall always be grateful." "But if it's also your intention always to think of me as a thief and a pirate, faith, ye may keep your gratitude for all the good it's like to do me." A livelier colour crept into her cheeks. There was a perceptible heave of the slight breast that faintly swelled the flimsy bodice of white silk. But if she resented his tone and his words, she stifled her resentment. She realized that perhaps she had, herself, provoked his anger. She honestly desired to make amends. "You are mistaken," she began. "It isn't that." But they were fated to misunderstand each other. Jealousy, that troubler of reason, had been over-busy with his wits as it had with hers. "What is it, then?" quoth he, and added the question: "Lord Julian?" She started, and stared at him blankly indignant now. "Och, be frank with me," he urged her, unpardonably. "'Twill be a kindness, so it will." For a moment she stood before him with quickened breathing, the colour ebbing and flowing in her cheeks. Then she looked past him, and tilted her chin forward. "You... you are quite insufferable," she said. "I beg that you will let me pass." He stepped aside, and with the broad feathered hat which he still held in his hand, he waved her on towards the house. "I'll not be detaining you any longer, ma'am. After all, the cursed thing I did for nothing can be undone. Ye'll remember afterwards that it was your hardness drove me." She moved to depart, then checked, and faced him again. It was she now who was on her defence, her voice quivering with indignation. "You take that tone! You dare to take that tone!" she cried, astounding him by her sudden vehemence. "You have the effrontery to upbraid me because I will not take your hands when I know how they are stained; when I know you for a murderer and worse?" He stared at her open-mouthed. "A murderer--I?" he said at last. "Must I name your victims? Did you not murder Levasseur?" "Levasseur?" He smiled a little. "So they've told you about that!" "Do you deny it?" "I killed him, it is true. I can remember killing another man in circumstances that were very similar. That was in Bridgetown on the night of the Spanish raid. Mary Traill would tell you of it. She was present." He clapped his hat on his head with a certain abrupt fierceness, and strode angrily away, before she could answer or even grasp the full significance of what he had said. CHAPTER XXIII. HOSTAGES Peter Blood stood in the pillared portico of Government House, and with unseeing eyes that were laden with pain and anger, stared out across the great harbour of Port Royal to the green hills rising from the farther shore and the ridge of the Blue Mountains beyond, showing hazily through the quivering heat. He was aroused by the return of the negro who had gone to announce him, and following now this slave, he made his way through the house to the wide piazza behind it, in whose shade Colonel Bishop and my Lord Julian Wade took what little air there was. "So ye've come," the Deputy-Governor hailed him, and followed the greeting by a series of grunts of vague but apparently ill-humoured import. He did not trouble to rise, not even when Lord Julian, obeying the instincts of finer breeding, set him the example. From under scowling brows the wealthy Barbados planter considered his sometime slave, who, hat in hand, leaning lightly upon his long beribboned cane, revealed nothing in his countenance of the anger which was being steadily nourished by this cavalier reception. At last, with scowling brow and in self-sufficient tones, Colonel Bishop delivered himself. "I have sent for you, Captain Blood, because of certain news that has just reached me. I am informed that yesterday evening a frigate left the harbour having on board your associate Wolverstone and a hundred men of the hundred and fifty that were serving under you. His lordship and I shall be glad to have your explanation of how you came to permit that departure." "Permit?" quoth Blood. "I ordered it." The answer left Bishop speechless for a moment. Then: "You ordered it?" he said in accents of unbelief, whilst Lord Julian raised his eyebrows. "'Swounds! Perhaps you'll explain yourself? Whither has Wolverstone gone?" "To Tortuga. He's gone with a message to the officers commanding the other four ships of the fleet that is awaiting me there, telling them what's happened and why they are no longer to expect me." Bishop's great face seemed to swell and its high colour to deepen. He swung to Lord Julian. "You hear that, my lord? Deliberately he has let Wolverstone loose upon the seas again--Wolverstone, the worst of all that gang of pirates after himself. I hope your lordship begins at last to perceive the folly of granting the King's commission to such a man as this against all my counsels. Why, this thing is... it's just mutiny... treason! By God! It's matter for a court-martial." "Will you cease your blather of mutiny and treason and courts-martial?" Blood put on his hat, and sat down unbidden. "I have sent Wolverstone to inform Hagthorpe and Christian and Yberville and the rest of my lads that they've one clear month in which to follow my example, quit piracy, and get back to their boucans or their logwood, or else sail out of the Caribbean Sea. That's what I've done." "But the men?" his lordship interposed in his level, cultured voice. "This hundred men that Wolverstone has taken with him?" "They are those of my crew who have no taste for King James's service, and have preferred to seek work of other kinds. It was in our compact, my lord, that there should be no constraining of my men." "I don't remember it," said his lordship, with sincerity. Blood looked at him in surprise. Then he shrugged. "Faith, I'm not to blame for your lordship's poor memory. I say that it was so; and I don't lie. I've never found it necessary. In any case ye couldn't have supposed that I should consent to anything different." And then the Deputy-Governor exploded. "You have given those damned rascals in Tortuga this warning so that they may escape! That is what you have done. That is how you abuse the commission that has saved your own neck!" Peter Blood considered him steadily, his face impassive. "I will remind you," he said at last, very quietly, "that the object in view was--leaving out of account your own appetites which, as every one knows, are just those of a hangman--to rid the Caribbean of buccaneers. Now, I've taken the most effective way of accomplishing that object. The knowledge that I've entered the King's service should in itself go far towards disbanding the fleet of which I was until lately the admiral." "I see!" sneered the Deputy-Governor malevolently. "And if it does not?" "It will be time enough then to consider what else is to be done." Lord Julian forestalled a fresh outburst on the part of Bishop. "It is possible," he said, "that my Lord Sunderland will be satisfied, provided that the solution is such as you promise." It was a courteous, conciliatory speech. Urged by friendliness towards Blood and understanding of the difficult position in which the buccaneer found himself, his lordship was disposed to take his stand upon the letter of his instructions. Therefore he now held out a friendly hand to help him over the latest and most difficult obstacle which Blood himself had enabled Bishop to place in the way of his redemption. Unfortunately the last person from whom Peter Blood desired assistance at that moment was this young nobleman, whom he regarded with the jaundiced eyes of jealousy. "Anyway," he answered, with a suggestion of defiance and more than a suggestion of a sneer, "it's the most ye should expect from me, and certainly it's the most ye'll get." His lordship frowned, and dabbed his lips with a handkerchief. "I don't think that I quite like the way you put it. Indeed, upon reflection, Captain Blood, I am sure that I do not." "I am sorry for that, so I am," said Blood impudently. "But there it is. I'm not on that account concerned to modify it." His lordship's pale eyes opened a little wider. Languidly he raised his eyebrows. "Ah!" he said. "You're a prodigiously uncivil fellow. You disappoint me, sir. I had formed the notion that you might be a gentleman." "And that's not your lordship's only mistake," Bishop cut in. "You made a worse when you gave him the King's commission, and so sheltered the rascal from the gallows I had prepared for him in Port Royal." "Aye--but the worst mistake of all in this matter of commissions," said Blood to his lordship, "was the one that trade this greasy slaver Deputy-Governor of Jamaica instead of its hangman, which is the office for which he's by nature fitted." "Captain Blood!" said his lordship sharply in reproof. "Upon my soul and honour, sir, you go much too far. You are...." But here Bishop interrupted him. He had heaved himself to his feet, at last, and was venting his fury in unprintable abuse. Captain Blood, who had also risen, stood apparently impassive, for the storm to spend itself. When at last this happened, he addressed himself quietly to Lord Julian, as if Colonel Bishop had not spoken. "Your lordship was about to say?" he asked, with challenging smoothness. But his lordship had by now recovered his habitual composure, and was again disposed to be conciliatory. He laughed and shrugged. "Faith! here's a deal of unnecessary heat," said he. "And God knows this plaguey climate provides enough of that. Perhaps, Colonel Bishop, you are a little uncompromising; and you, sir, are certainly a deal too peppery. I have said, speaking on behalf of my Lord Sunderland, that I am content to await the result of your experiment." But Bishop's fury had by now reached a stage in which it was not to be restrained. "Are you, indeed?" he roared. "Well, then, I am not. This is a matter in which your lordship must allow me to be the better judge. And, anyhow, I'll take the risk of acting on my own responsibility." Lord Julian abandoned the struggle. He smiled wearily, shrugged, and waved a hand in implied resignation. The Deputy-Governor stormed on. "Since my lord here has given you a commission, I can't regularly deal with you out of hand for piracy as you deserve. But you shall answer before a court-martial for your action in the matter of Wolverstone, and take the consequences." "I see," said Blood. "Now we come to it. And it's yourself as Deputy-Governor will preside over that same court-martial. So that ye can wipe off old scores by hanging me, it's little ye care how ye do it!" He laughed, and added: "Praemonitus, praemunitus." "What shall that mean?" quoth Lord Julian sharply. "I had imagined that your lordship would have had some education." He was at pains, you see, to be provocative. "It's not the literal meaning I am asking, sir," said Lord Julian, with frosty dignity. "I want to know what you desire me to understand?" "I'll leave your lordship guessing," said Blood. "And I'll be wishing ye both a very good day." He swept off his feathered hat, and made them a leg very elegantly. "Before you go," said Bishop, "and to save you from any idle rashness, I'll tell you that the Harbour-Master and the Commandant have their orders. You don't leave Port Royal, my fine gallows bird. Damme, I mean to provide you with permanent moorings here, in Execution Dock." Peter Blood stiffened, and his vivid blue

daily

How many times the word 'daily' appears in the text?

But what did I tell ye? Ye see, the young gentleman's under a misapprehension entirely. Perhaps it'll save broken bones if your lordship explains just who and what I am." Lord Julian advanced a step and bowed perfunctorily and rather disdainfully to that very disdainful but now dumbfounded officer. Pitt, who watched the scene from the quarter-deck rail, tells us that his lordship was as grave as a parson at a hanging. But I suspect this gravity for a mask under which Lord Julian was secretly amused. "I have the honour to inform you, sir," he said stiffly, "that Captain Blood holds a commission in the King's service under the seal of my Lord Sunderland, His Majesty's Secretary of State." Captain Calverley's face empurpled; his eyes bulged. The buccaneers in the background chuckled and crowed and swore among themselves in their relish of this comedy. For a long moment Calverley stared in silence at his lordship, observing the costly elegance of his dress, his air of calm assurance, and his cold, fastidious speech, all of which savoured distinctly of the great world to which he belonged. "And who the devil may you be?" he exploded at last. Colder still and more distant than ever grew his lordship's voice. "You're not very civil, sir, as I have already noticed. My name is Wade--Lord Julian Wade. I am His Majesty's envoy to these barbarous parts, and my Lord Sunderland's near kinsman. Colonel Bishop has been notified of my coming." The sudden change in Calverley's manner at Lord Julian's mention of his name showed that the notification had been received, and that he had knowledge of it. "I... I believe that he has," said Calverley, between doubt and suspicion. "That is: that he has been notified of the coming of Lord Julian Wade. But... but... aboard this ship...?" The officer made a gesture of helplessness, and, surrendering to his bewilderment, fell abruptly silent. "I was coming out on the Royal Mary...." "That is what we were advised." "But the Royal Mary fell a victim to a Spanish privateer, and I might never have arrived at all but for the gallantry of Captain Blood, who rescued me." Light broke upon the darkness of Calverley's mind. "I see. I understand." "I will take leave to doubt it." His lordship's tone abated nothing of its asperity. "But that can wait. If Captain Blood will show you his commission, perhaps that will set all doubts at rest, and we may proceed. I shall be glad to reach Port Royal." Captain Blood thrust a parchment under Calverley's bulging eyes. The officer scanned it, particularly the seals and signature. He stepped back, a baffled, impotent man. He bowed helplessly. "I must return to Colonel Bishop for my orders," he informed them. At that moment a lane was opened in the ranks of the men, and through this came Miss Bishop followed by her octoroon woman. Over his shoulder Captain Blood observed her approach. "Perhaps, since Colonel Bishop is with you, you will convey his niece to him. Miss Bishop was aboard the Royal Mary also, and I rescued her together with his lordship. She will be able to acquaint her uncle with the details of that and of the present state of affairs." Swept thus from surprise to surprise, Captain Calverley could do no more than bow again. "As for me," said Lord Julian, with intent to make Miss Bishop's departure free from all interference on the part of the buccaneers, "I shall remain aboard the Arabella until we reach Port Royal. My compliments to Colonel Bishop. Say that I look forward to making his acquaintance there." CHAPTER XXII. HOSTILITIES In the great harbour of Port Royal, spacious enough to have given moorings to all the ships of all the navies of the world, the Arabella rode at anchor. Almost she had the air of a prisoner, for a quarter of a mile ahead, to starboard, rose the lofty, massive single round tower of the fort, whilst a couple of cables'-length astern, and to larboard, rode the six men-of-war that composed the Jamaica squadron. Abeam with the Arabella, across the harbour, were the flat-fronted white buildings of that imposing city that came down to the very water's edge. Behind these the red roofs rose like terraces, marking the gentle slope upon which the city was built, dominated here by a turret, there by a spire, and behind these again a range of green hills with for ultimate background a sky that was like a dome of polished steel. On a cane day-bed that had been set for him on the quarter-deck, sheltered from the dazzling, blistering sunshine by an improvised awning of brown sailcloth, lounged Peter Blood, a calf-bound, well-thumbed copy of Horace's Odes neglected in his hands. From immediately below him came the swish of mops and the gurgle of water in the scuppers, for it was still early morning, and under the directions of Hayton, the bo'sun, the swabbers were at work in the waist and forecastle. Despite the heat and the stagnant air, one of the toilers found breath to croak a ribald buccaneering ditty: "For we laid her board and board, And we put her to the sword, And we sank her in the deep blue sea. So It's heigh-ho, and heave-a-ho! Who'll sail for the Main with me?" Blood fetched a sigh, and the ghost of a smile played over his lean, sun-tanned face. Then the black brows came together above the vivid blue eyes, and thought swiftly closed the door upon his immediate surroundings. Things had not sped at all well with him in the past fortnight since his acceptance of the King's commission. There had been trouble with Bishop from the moment of landing. As Blood and Lord Julian had stepped ashore together, they had been met by a man who took no pains to dissemble his chagrin at the turn of events and his determination to change it. He awaited them on the mole, supported by a group of officers. "You are Lord Julian Wade, I understand," was his truculent greeting. For Blood at the moment he had nothing beyond a malignant glance. Lord Julian bowed. "I take it I have the honour to address Colonel Bishop, Deputy-Governor of Jamaica." It was almost as if his lordship were giving the Colonel a lesson in deportment. The Colonel accepted it, and belatedly bowed, removing his broad hat. Then he plunged on. "You have granted, I am told, the King's commission to this man." His very tone betrayed the bitterness of his rancour. "Your motives were no doubt worthy... your gratitude to him for delivering you from the Spaniards. But the thing itself is unthinkable, my lord. The commission must be cancelled." "I don't think I understand," said Lord Julian distantly. "To be sure you don't, or you'd never ha' done it. The fellow's bubbled you. Why, he's first a rebel, then an escaped slave, and lastly a bloody pirate. I've been hunting him this year past." "I assure you, sir, that I was fully informed of all. I do not grant the King's commission lightly." "Don't you, by God! And what else do you call this? But as His Majesty's Deputy-Governor of Jamaica, I'll take leave to correct your mistake in my own way." "Ah! And what way may that be?" "There's a gallows waiting for this rascal in Port Royal." Blood would have intervened at that, but Lord Julian forestalled him. "I see, sir, that you do not yet quite apprehend the circumstances. If it is a mistake to grant Captain Blood a commission, the mistake is not mine. I am acting upon the instructions of my Lord Sunderland; and with a full knowledge of all the facts, his lordship expressly designated Captain Blood for this commission if Captain Blood could be persuaded to accept it." Colonel Bishop's mouth fell open in surprise and dismay. "Lord Sunderland designated him?" he asked, amazed. "Expressly." His lordship waited a moment for a reply. None coming from the speechless Deputy-Governor, he asked a question: "Would you still venture to describe the matter as a mistake, sir? And dare you take the risk of correcting it?" "I... I had not dreamed...." "I understand, sir. Let me present Captain Blood." Perforce Bishop must put on the best face he could command. But that it was no more than a mask for his fury and his venom was plain to all. From that unpromising beginning matters had not improved; rather had they grown worse. Blood's thoughts were upon this and other things as he lounged there on the day-bed. He had been a fortnight in Port Royal, his ship virtually a unit now in the Jamaica squadron. And when the news of it reached Tortuga and the buccaneers who awaited his return, the name of Captain Blood, which had stood so high among the Brethren of the Coast, would become a byword, a thing of execration, and before all was done his life might pay forfeit for what would be accounted a treacherous defection. And for what had he placed himself in this position? For the sake of a girl who avoided him so persistently and intentionally that he must assume that she still regarded him with aversion. He had scarcely been vouchsafed a glimpse of her in all this fortnight, although with that in view for his main object he had daily haunted her uncle's residence, and daily braved the unmasked hostility and baffled rancour in which Colonel Bishop held him. Nor was that the worst of it. He was allowed plainly to perceive that it was the graceful, elegant young trifler from St. James's, Lord Julian Wade, to whom her every moment was devoted. And what chance had he, a desperate adventurer with a record of outlawry, against such a rival as that, a man of parts, moreover, as he was bound to admit? You conceive the bitterness of his soul. He beheld himself to be as the dog in the fable that had dropped the substance to snatch at a delusive shadow. He sought comfort in a line on the open page before him: "levius fit patientia quicquid corrigere est nefas." Sought it, but hardly found it. A boat that had approached unnoticed from the shore came scraping and bumping against the great red hull of the Arabella, and a raucous voice sent up a hailing shout. From the ship's belfry two silvery notes rang clear and sharp, and a moment or two later the bo'sun's whistle shrilled a long wail. The sounds disturbed Captain Blood from his disgruntled musings. He rose, tall, active, and arrestingly elegant in a scarlet, gold-laced coat that advertised his new position, and slipping the slender volume into his pocket, advanced to the carved rail of the quarter-deck, just as Jeremy Pitt was setting foot upon the companion. "A note for you from the Deputy-Governor," said the master shortly, as he proffered a folded sheet. Blood broke the seal, and read. Pitt, loosely clad in shirt and breeches, leaned against the rail the while and watched him, unmistakable concern imprinted on his fair, frank countenance. Blood uttered a short laugh, and curled his lip. "It is a very peremptory summons," he said, and passed the note to his friend. The young master's grey eyes skimmed it. Thoughtfully he stroked his golden beard. "You'll not go?" he said, between question and assertion. "Why not? Haven't I been a daily visitor at the fort...?" "But it'll be about the Old Wolf that he wants to see you. It gives him a grievance at last. You know, Peter, that it is Lord Julian alone has stood between Bishop and his hate of you. If now he can show that...." "What if he can?" Blood interrupted carelessly. "Shall I be in greater danger ashore than aboard, now that we've but fifty men left, and they lukewarm rogues who would as soon serve the King as me? Jeremy, dear lad, the Arabella's a prisoner here, bedad, 'twixt the fort there and the fleet yonder. Don't be forgetting that." Jeremy clenched his hands. "Why did ye let Wolverstone and the others go?" he cried, with a touch of bitterness. "You should have seen the danger." "How could I in honesty have detained them? It was in the bargain. Besides, how could their staying have helped me?" And as Pitt did not answer him: "Ye see?" he said, and shrugged. "I'll be getting my hat and cane and sword, and go ashore in the cock-boat. See it manned for me." "Ye're going to deliver yourself into Bishop's hands," Pitt warned him. "Well, well, maybe he'll not find me quite so easy to grasp as he imagines. There's a thorn or two left on me." And with a laugh Blood departed to his cabin. Jeremy Pitt answered the laugh with an oath. A moment he stood irresolute where Blood had left him. Then slowly, reluctance dragging at his feet, he went down the companion to give the order for the cock-boat. "If anything should happen to you, Peter," he said, as Blood was going over the side, "Colonel Bishop had better look to himself. These fifty lads may be lukewarm at present, as you say, but--sink me!--they'll be anything but lukewarm if there's a breach of faith." "And what should be happening to me, Jeremy? Sure, now, I'll be back for dinner, so I will." Blood climbed down into the waiting boat. But laugh though he might, he knew as well as Pitt that in going ashore that morning he carried his life in his hands. Because of this, it may have been that when he stepped on to the narrow mole, in the shadow of the shallow outer wall of the fort through whose crenels were thrust the black noses of its heavy guns, he gave order that the boat should stay for him at that spot. He realized that he might have to retreat in a hurry. Walking leisurely, he skirted the embattled wall, and passed through the great gates into the courtyard. Half-a-dozen soldiers lounged there, and in the shadow cast by the wall, Major Mallard, the Commandant, was slowly pacing. He stopped short at sight of Captain Blood, and saluted him, as was his due, but the smile that lifted the officer's stiff mostachios was grimly sardonic. Peter Blood's attention, however, was elsewhere. On his right stretched a spacious garden, beyond which rose the white house that was the residence of the Deputy-Governor. In that garden's main avenue, that was fringed with palm and sandalwood, he had caught sight of Miss Bishop alone. He crossed the courtyard with suddenly lengthened stride. "Good-morning to ye, ma'am," was his greeting as he overtook her; and hat in hand now, he added on a note of protest: "Sure, it's nothing less than uncharitable to make me run in this heat." "Why do you run, then?" she asked him coolly, standing slim and straight before him, all in white and very maidenly save in her unnatural composure. "I am pressed," she informed him. "So you will forgive me if I do not stay." "You were none so pressed until I came," he protested, and if his thin lips smiled, his blue eyes were oddly hard. "Since you perceive it, sir, I wonder that you trouble to be so insistent." That crossed the swords between them, and it was against Blood's instincts to avoid an engagement. "Faith, you explain yourself after a fashion," said he. "But since it was more or less in your service that I donned the King's coat, you should suffer it to cover the thief and pirate." She shrugged and turned aside, in some resentment and some regret. Fearing to betray the latter, she took refuge in the former. "I do my best," said she. "So that ye can be charitable in some ways!" He laughed softly. "Glory be, now, I should be thankful for so much. Maybe I'm presumptuous. But I can't forget that when I was no better than a slave in your uncle's household in Barbados, ye used me with a certain kindness." "Why not? In those days you had some claim upon my kindness. You were just an unfortunate gentleman then." "And what else would you be calling me now?" "Hardly unfortunate. We have heard of your good fortune on the seas--how your luck has passed into a byword. And we have heard other things: of your good fortune in other directions." She spoke hastily, the thought of Mademoiselle d'Ogeron in her mind. And instantly would have recalled the words had she been able. But Peter Blood swept them lightly aside, reading into them none of her meaning, as she feared he would. "Aye--a deal of lies, devil a doubt, as I could prove to you." "I cannot think why you should trouble to put yourself on your defence," she discouraged him. "So that ye may think less badly of me than you do." "What I think of you can be a very little matter to you, sir." This was a disarming stroke. He abandoned combat for expostulation. "Can ye say that now? Can ye say that, beholding me in this livery of a service I despise? Didn't ye tell me that I might redeem the past? It's little enough I am concerned to redeem the past save only in your eyes. In my own I've done nothing at all that I am ashamed of, considering the provocation I received." Her glance faltered, and fell away before his own that was so intent. "I... I can't think why you should speak to me like this," she said, with less than her earlier assurance. "Ah, now, can't ye, indeed?" he cried. "Sure, then, I'll be telling ye." "Oh, please." There was real alarm in her voice. "I realize fully what you did, and I realize that partly, at least, you may have been urged by consideration for myself. Believe me, I am very grateful. I shall always be grateful." "But if it's also your intention always to think of me as a thief and a pirate, faith, ye may keep your gratitude for all the good it's like to do me." A livelier colour crept into her cheeks. There was a perceptible heave of the slight breast that faintly swelled the flimsy bodice of white silk. But if she resented his tone and his words, she stifled her resentment. She realized that perhaps she had, herself, provoked his anger. She honestly desired to make amends. "You are mistaken," she began. "It isn't that." But they were fated to misunderstand each other. Jealousy, that troubler of reason, had been over-busy with his wits as it had with hers. "What is it, then?" quoth he, and added the question: "Lord Julian?" She started, and stared at him blankly indignant now. "Och, be frank with me," he urged her, unpardonably. "'Twill be a kindness, so it will." For a moment she stood before him with quickened breathing, the colour ebbing and flowing in her cheeks. Then she looked past him, and tilted her chin forward. "You... you are quite insufferable," she said. "I beg that you will let me pass." He stepped aside, and with the broad feathered hat which he still held in his hand, he waved her on towards the house. "I'll not be detaining you any longer, ma'am. After all, the cursed thing I did for nothing can be undone. Ye'll remember afterwards that it was your hardness drove me." She moved to depart, then checked, and faced him again. It was she now who was on her defence, her voice quivering with indignation. "You take that tone! You dare to take that tone!" she cried, astounding him by her sudden vehemence. "You have the effrontery to upbraid me because I will not take your hands when I know how they are stained; when I know you for a murderer and worse?" He stared at her open-mouthed. "A murderer--I?" he said at last. "Must I name your victims? Did you not murder Levasseur?" "Levasseur?" He smiled a little. "So they've told you about that!" "Do you deny it?" "I killed him, it is true. I can remember killing another man in circumstances that were very similar. That was in Bridgetown on the night of the Spanish raid. Mary Traill would tell you of it. She was present." He clapped his hat on his head with a certain abrupt fierceness, and strode angrily away, before she could answer or even grasp the full significance of what he had said. CHAPTER XXIII. HOSTAGES Peter Blood stood in the pillared portico of Government House, and with unseeing eyes that were laden with pain and anger, stared out across the great harbour of Port Royal to the green hills rising from the farther shore and the ridge of the Blue Mountains beyond, showing hazily through the quivering heat. He was aroused by the return of the negro who had gone to announce him, and following now this slave, he made his way through the house to the wide piazza behind it, in whose shade Colonel Bishop and my Lord Julian Wade took what little air there was. "So ye've come," the Deputy-Governor hailed him, and followed the greeting by a series of grunts of vague but apparently ill-humoured import. He did not trouble to rise, not even when Lord Julian, obeying the instincts of finer breeding, set him the example. From under scowling brows the wealthy Barbados planter considered his sometime slave, who, hat in hand, leaning lightly upon his long beribboned cane, revealed nothing in his countenance of the anger which was being steadily nourished by this cavalier reception. At last, with scowling brow and in self-sufficient tones, Colonel Bishop delivered himself. "I have sent for you, Captain Blood, because of certain news that has just reached me. I am informed that yesterday evening a frigate left the harbour having on board your associate Wolverstone and a hundred men of the hundred and fifty that were serving under you. His lordship and I shall be glad to have your explanation of how you came to permit that departure." "Permit?" quoth Blood. "I ordered it." The answer left Bishop speechless for a moment. Then: "You ordered it?" he said in accents of unbelief, whilst Lord Julian raised his eyebrows. "'Swounds! Perhaps you'll explain yourself? Whither has Wolverstone gone?" "To Tortuga. He's gone with a message to the officers commanding the other four ships of the fleet that is awaiting me there, telling them what's happened and why they are no longer to expect me." Bishop's great face seemed to swell and its high colour to deepen. He swung to Lord Julian. "You hear that, my lord? Deliberately he has let Wolverstone loose upon the seas again--Wolverstone, the worst of all that gang of pirates after himself. I hope your lordship begins at last to perceive the folly of granting the King's commission to such a man as this against all my counsels. Why, this thing is... it's just mutiny... treason! By God! It's matter for a court-martial." "Will you cease your blather of mutiny and treason and courts-martial?" Blood put on his hat, and sat down unbidden. "I have sent Wolverstone to inform Hagthorpe and Christian and Yberville and the rest of my lads that they've one clear month in which to follow my example, quit piracy, and get back to their boucans or their logwood, or else sail out of the Caribbean Sea. That's what I've done." "But the men?" his lordship interposed in his level, cultured voice. "This hundred men that Wolverstone has taken with him?" "They are those of my crew who have no taste for King James's service, and have preferred to seek work of other kinds. It was in our compact, my lord, that there should be no constraining of my men." "I don't remember it," said his lordship, with sincerity. Blood looked at him in surprise. Then he shrugged. "Faith, I'm not to blame for your lordship's poor memory. I say that it was so; and I don't lie. I've never found it necessary. In any case ye couldn't have supposed that I should consent to anything different." And then the Deputy-Governor exploded. "You have given those damned rascals in Tortuga this warning so that they may escape! That is what you have done. That is how you abuse the commission that has saved your own neck!" Peter Blood considered him steadily, his face impassive. "I will remind you," he said at last, very quietly, "that the object in view was--leaving out of account your own appetites which, as every one knows, are just those of a hangman--to rid the Caribbean of buccaneers. Now, I've taken the most effective way of accomplishing that object. The knowledge that I've entered the King's service should in itself go far towards disbanding the fleet of which I was until lately the admiral." "I see!" sneered the Deputy-Governor malevolently. "And if it does not?" "It will be time enough then to consider what else is to be done." Lord Julian forestalled a fresh outburst on the part of Bishop. "It is possible," he said, "that my Lord Sunderland will be satisfied, provided that the solution is such as you promise." It was a courteous, conciliatory speech. Urged by friendliness towards Blood and understanding of the difficult position in which the buccaneer found himself, his lordship was disposed to take his stand upon the letter of his instructions. Therefore he now held out a friendly hand to help him over the latest and most difficult obstacle which Blood himself had enabled Bishop to place in the way of his redemption. Unfortunately the last person from whom Peter Blood desired assistance at that moment was this young nobleman, whom he regarded with the jaundiced eyes of jealousy. "Anyway," he answered, with a suggestion of defiance and more than a suggestion of a sneer, "it's the most ye should expect from me, and certainly it's the most ye'll get." His lordship frowned, and dabbed his lips with a handkerchief. "I don't think that I quite like the way you put it. Indeed, upon reflection, Captain Blood, I am sure that I do not." "I am sorry for that, so I am," said Blood impudently. "But there it is. I'm not on that account concerned to modify it." His lordship's pale eyes opened a little wider. Languidly he raised his eyebrows. "Ah!" he said. "You're a prodigiously uncivil fellow. You disappoint me, sir. I had formed the notion that you might be a gentleman." "And that's not your lordship's only mistake," Bishop cut in. "You made a worse when you gave him the King's commission, and so sheltered the rascal from the gallows I had prepared for him in Port Royal." "Aye--but the worst mistake of all in this matter of commissions," said Blood to his lordship, "was the one that trade this greasy slaver Deputy-Governor of Jamaica instead of its hangman, which is the office for which he's by nature fitted." "Captain Blood!" said his lordship sharply in reproof. "Upon my soul and honour, sir, you go much too far. You are...." But here Bishop interrupted him. He had heaved himself to his feet, at last, and was venting his fury in unprintable abuse. Captain Blood, who had also risen, stood apparently impassive, for the storm to spend itself. When at last this happened, he addressed himself quietly to Lord Julian, as if Colonel Bishop had not spoken. "Your lordship was about to say?" he asked, with challenging smoothness. But his lordship had by now recovered his habitual composure, and was again disposed to be conciliatory. He laughed and shrugged. "Faith! here's a deal of unnecessary heat," said he. "And God knows this plaguey climate provides enough of that. Perhaps, Colonel Bishop, you are a little uncompromising; and you, sir, are certainly a deal too peppery. I have said, speaking on behalf of my Lord Sunderland, that I am content to await the result of your experiment." But Bishop's fury had by now reached a stage in which it was not to be restrained. "Are you, indeed?" he roared. "Well, then, I am not. This is a matter in which your lordship must allow me to be the better judge. And, anyhow, I'll take the risk of acting on my own responsibility." Lord Julian abandoned the struggle. He smiled wearily, shrugged, and waved a hand in implied resignation. The Deputy-Governor stormed on. "Since my lord here has given you a commission, I can't regularly deal with you out of hand for piracy as you deserve. But you shall answer before a court-martial for your action in the matter of Wolverstone, and take the consequences." "I see," said Blood. "Now we come to it. And it's yourself as Deputy-Governor will preside over that same court-martial. So that ye can wipe off old scores by hanging me, it's little ye care how ye do it!" He laughed, and added: "Praemonitus, praemunitus." "What shall that mean?" quoth Lord Julian sharply. "I had imagined that your lordship would have had some education." He was at pains, you see, to be provocative. "It's not the literal meaning I am asking, sir," said Lord Julian, with frosty dignity. "I want to know what you desire me to understand?" "I'll leave your lordship guessing," said Blood. "And I'll be wishing ye both a very good day." He swept off his feathered hat, and made them a leg very elegantly. "Before you go," said Bishop, "and to save you from any idle rashness, I'll tell you that the Harbour-Master and the Commandant have their orders. You don't leave Port Royal, my fine gallows bird. Damme, I mean to provide you with permanent moorings here, in Execution Dock." Peter Blood stiffened, and his vivid blue

bed

How many times the word 'bed' appears in the text?

But what did I tell ye? Ye see, the young gentleman's under a misapprehension entirely. Perhaps it'll save broken bones if your lordship explains just who and what I am." Lord Julian advanced a step and bowed perfunctorily and rather disdainfully to that very disdainful but now dumbfounded officer. Pitt, who watched the scene from the quarter-deck rail, tells us that his lordship was as grave as a parson at a hanging. But I suspect this gravity for a mask under which Lord Julian was secretly amused. "I have the honour to inform you, sir," he said stiffly, "that Captain Blood holds a commission in the King's service under the seal of my Lord Sunderland, His Majesty's Secretary of State." Captain Calverley's face empurpled; his eyes bulged. The buccaneers in the background chuckled and crowed and swore among themselves in their relish of this comedy. For a long moment Calverley stared in silence at his lordship, observing the costly elegance of his dress, his air of calm assurance, and his cold, fastidious speech, all of which savoured distinctly of the great world to which he belonged. "And who the devil may you be?" he exploded at last. Colder still and more distant than ever grew his lordship's voice. "You're not very civil, sir, as I have already noticed. My name is Wade--Lord Julian Wade. I am His Majesty's envoy to these barbarous parts, and my Lord Sunderland's near kinsman. Colonel Bishop has been notified of my coming." The sudden change in Calverley's manner at Lord Julian's mention of his name showed that the notification had been received, and that he had knowledge of it. "I... I believe that he has," said Calverley, between doubt and suspicion. "That is: that he has been notified of the coming of Lord Julian Wade. But... but... aboard this ship...?" The officer made a gesture of helplessness, and, surrendering to his bewilderment, fell abruptly silent. "I was coming out on the Royal Mary...." "That is what we were advised." "But the Royal Mary fell a victim to a Spanish privateer, and I might never have arrived at all but for the gallantry of Captain Blood, who rescued me." Light broke upon the darkness of Calverley's mind. "I see. I understand." "I will take leave to doubt it." His lordship's tone abated nothing of its asperity. "But that can wait. If Captain Blood will show you his commission, perhaps that will set all doubts at rest, and we may proceed. I shall be glad to reach Port Royal." Captain Blood thrust a parchment under Calverley's bulging eyes. The officer scanned it, particularly the seals and signature. He stepped back, a baffled, impotent man. He bowed helplessly. "I must return to Colonel Bishop for my orders," he informed them. At that moment a lane was opened in the ranks of the men, and through this came Miss Bishop followed by her octoroon woman. Over his shoulder Captain Blood observed her approach. "Perhaps, since Colonel Bishop is with you, you will convey his niece to him. Miss Bishop was aboard the Royal Mary also, and I rescued her together with his lordship. She will be able to acquaint her uncle with the details of that and of the present state of affairs." Swept thus from surprise to surprise, Captain Calverley could do no more than bow again. "As for me," said Lord Julian, with intent to make Miss Bishop's departure free from all interference on the part of the buccaneers, "I shall remain aboard the Arabella until we reach Port Royal. My compliments to Colonel Bishop. Say that I look forward to making his acquaintance there." CHAPTER XXII. HOSTILITIES In the great harbour of Port Royal, spacious enough to have given moorings to all the ships of all the navies of the world, the Arabella rode at anchor. Almost she had the air of a prisoner, for a quarter of a mile ahead, to starboard, rose the lofty, massive single round tower of the fort, whilst a couple of cables'-length astern, and to larboard, rode the six men-of-war that composed the Jamaica squadron. Abeam with the Arabella, across the harbour, were the flat-fronted white buildings of that imposing city that came down to the very water's edge. Behind these the red roofs rose like terraces, marking the gentle slope upon which the city was built, dominated here by a turret, there by a spire, and behind these again a range of green hills with for ultimate background a sky that was like a dome of polished steel. On a cane day-bed that had been set for him on the quarter-deck, sheltered from the dazzling, blistering sunshine by an improvised awning of brown sailcloth, lounged Peter Blood, a calf-bound, well-thumbed copy of Horace's Odes neglected in his hands. From immediately below him came the swish of mops and the gurgle of water in the scuppers, for it was still early morning, and under the directions of Hayton, the bo'sun, the swabbers were at work in the waist and forecastle. Despite the heat and the stagnant air, one of the toilers found breath to croak a ribald buccaneering ditty: "For we laid her board and board, And we put her to the sword, And we sank her in the deep blue sea. So It's heigh-ho, and heave-a-ho! Who'll sail for the Main with me?" Blood fetched a sigh, and the ghost of a smile played over his lean, sun-tanned face. Then the black brows came together above the vivid blue eyes, and thought swiftly closed the door upon his immediate surroundings. Things had not sped at all well with him in the past fortnight since his acceptance of the King's commission. There had been trouble with Bishop from the moment of landing. As Blood and Lord Julian had stepped ashore together, they had been met by a man who took no pains to dissemble his chagrin at the turn of events and his determination to change it. He awaited them on the mole, supported by a group of officers. "You are Lord Julian Wade, I understand," was his truculent greeting. For Blood at the moment he had nothing beyond a malignant glance. Lord Julian bowed. "I take it I have the honour to address Colonel Bishop, Deputy-Governor of Jamaica." It was almost as if his lordship were giving the Colonel a lesson in deportment. The Colonel accepted it, and belatedly bowed, removing his broad hat. Then he plunged on. "You have granted, I am told, the King's commission to this man." His very tone betrayed the bitterness of his rancour. "Your motives were no doubt worthy... your gratitude to him for delivering you from the Spaniards. But the thing itself is unthinkable, my lord. The commission must be cancelled." "I don't think I understand," said Lord Julian distantly. "To be sure you don't, or you'd never ha' done it. The fellow's bubbled you. Why, he's first a rebel, then an escaped slave, and lastly a bloody pirate. I've been hunting him this year past." "I assure you, sir, that I was fully informed of all. I do not grant the King's commission lightly." "Don't you, by God! And what else do you call this? But as His Majesty's Deputy-Governor of Jamaica, I'll take leave to correct your mistake in my own way." "Ah! And what way may that be?" "There's a gallows waiting for this rascal in Port Royal." Blood would have intervened at that, but Lord Julian forestalled him. "I see, sir, that you do not yet quite apprehend the circumstances. If it is a mistake to grant Captain Blood a commission, the mistake is not mine. I am acting upon the instructions of my Lord Sunderland; and with a full knowledge of all the facts, his lordship expressly designated Captain Blood for this commission if Captain Blood could be persuaded to accept it." Colonel Bishop's mouth fell open in surprise and dismay. "Lord Sunderland designated him?" he asked, amazed. "Expressly." His lordship waited a moment for a reply. None coming from the speechless Deputy-Governor, he asked a question: "Would you still venture to describe the matter as a mistake, sir? And dare you take the risk of correcting it?" "I... I had not dreamed...." "I understand, sir. Let me present Captain Blood." Perforce Bishop must put on the best face he could command. But that it was no more than a mask for his fury and his venom was plain to all. From that unpromising beginning matters had not improved; rather had they grown worse. Blood's thoughts were upon this and other things as he lounged there on the day-bed. He had been a fortnight in Port Royal, his ship virtually a unit now in the Jamaica squadron. And when the news of it reached Tortuga and the buccaneers who awaited his return, the name of Captain Blood, which had stood so high among the Brethren of the Coast, would become a byword, a thing of execration, and before all was done his life might pay forfeit for what would be accounted a treacherous defection. And for what had he placed himself in this position? For the sake of a girl who avoided him so persistently and intentionally that he must assume that she still regarded him with aversion. He had scarcely been vouchsafed a glimpse of her in all this fortnight, although with that in view for his main object he had daily haunted her uncle's residence, and daily braved the unmasked hostility and baffled rancour in which Colonel Bishop held him. Nor was that the worst of it. He was allowed plainly to perceive that it was the graceful, elegant young trifler from St. James's, Lord Julian Wade, to whom her every moment was devoted. And what chance had he, a desperate adventurer with a record of outlawry, against such a rival as that, a man of parts, moreover, as he was bound to admit? You conceive the bitterness of his soul. He beheld himself to be as the dog in the fable that had dropped the substance to snatch at a delusive shadow. He sought comfort in a line on the open page before him: "levius fit patientia quicquid corrigere est nefas." Sought it, but hardly found it. A boat that had approached unnoticed from the shore came scraping and bumping against the great red hull of the Arabella, and a raucous voice sent up a hailing shout. From the ship's belfry two silvery notes rang clear and sharp, and a moment or two later the bo'sun's whistle shrilled a long wail. The sounds disturbed Captain Blood from his disgruntled musings. He rose, tall, active, and arrestingly elegant in a scarlet, gold-laced coat that advertised his new position, and slipping the slender volume into his pocket, advanced to the carved rail of the quarter-deck, just as Jeremy Pitt was setting foot upon the companion. "A note for you from the Deputy-Governor," said the master shortly, as he proffered a folded sheet. Blood broke the seal, and read. Pitt, loosely clad in shirt and breeches, leaned against the rail the while and watched him, unmistakable concern imprinted on his fair, frank countenance. Blood uttered a short laugh, and curled his lip. "It is a very peremptory summons," he said, and passed the note to his friend. The young master's grey eyes skimmed it. Thoughtfully he stroked his golden beard. "You'll not go?" he said, between question and assertion. "Why not? Haven't I been a daily visitor at the fort...?" "But it'll be about the Old Wolf that he wants to see you. It gives him a grievance at last. You know, Peter, that it is Lord Julian alone has stood between Bishop and his hate of you. If now he can show that...." "What if he can?" Blood interrupted carelessly. "Shall I be in greater danger ashore than aboard, now that we've but fifty men left, and they lukewarm rogues who would as soon serve the King as me? Jeremy, dear lad, the Arabella's a prisoner here, bedad, 'twixt the fort there and the fleet yonder. Don't be forgetting that." Jeremy clenched his hands. "Why did ye let Wolverstone and the others go?" he cried, with a touch of bitterness. "You should have seen the danger." "How could I in honesty have detained them? It was in the bargain. Besides, how could their staying have helped me?" And as Pitt did not answer him: "Ye see?" he said, and shrugged. "I'll be getting my hat and cane and sword, and go ashore in the cock-boat. See it manned for me." "Ye're going to deliver yourself into Bishop's hands," Pitt warned him. "Well, well, maybe he'll not find me quite so easy to grasp as he imagines. There's a thorn or two left on me." And with a laugh Blood departed to his cabin. Jeremy Pitt answered the laugh with an oath. A moment he stood irresolute where Blood had left him. Then slowly, reluctance dragging at his feet, he went down the companion to give the order for the cock-boat. "If anything should happen to you, Peter," he said, as Blood was going over the side, "Colonel Bishop had better look to himself. These fifty lads may be lukewarm at present, as you say, but--sink me!--they'll be anything but lukewarm if there's a breach of faith." "And what should be happening to me, Jeremy? Sure, now, I'll be back for dinner, so I will." Blood climbed down into the waiting boat. But laugh though he might, he knew as well as Pitt that in going ashore that morning he carried his life in his hands. Because of this, it may have been that when he stepped on to the narrow mole, in the shadow of the shallow outer wall of the fort through whose crenels were thrust the black noses of its heavy guns, he gave order that the boat should stay for him at that spot. He realized that he might have to retreat in a hurry. Walking leisurely, he skirted the embattled wall, and passed through the great gates into the courtyard. Half-a-dozen soldiers lounged there, and in the shadow cast by the wall, Major Mallard, the Commandant, was slowly pacing. He stopped short at sight of Captain Blood, and saluted him, as was his due, but the smile that lifted the officer's stiff mostachios was grimly sardonic. Peter Blood's attention, however, was elsewhere. On his right stretched a spacious garden, beyond which rose the white house that was the residence of the Deputy-Governor. In that garden's main avenue, that was fringed with palm and sandalwood, he had caught sight of Miss Bishop alone. He crossed the courtyard with suddenly lengthened stride. "Good-morning to ye, ma'am," was his greeting as he overtook her; and hat in hand now, he added on a note of protest: "Sure, it's nothing less than uncharitable to make me run in this heat." "Why do you run, then?" she asked him coolly, standing slim and straight before him, all in white and very maidenly save in her unnatural composure. "I am pressed," she informed him. "So you will forgive me if I do not stay." "You were none so pressed until I came," he protested, and if his thin lips smiled, his blue eyes were oddly hard. "Since you perceive it, sir, I wonder that you trouble to be so insistent." That crossed the swords between them, and it was against Blood's instincts to avoid an engagement. "Faith, you explain yourself after a fashion," said he. "But since it was more or less in your service that I donned the King's coat, you should suffer it to cover the thief and pirate." She shrugged and turned aside, in some resentment and some regret. Fearing to betray the latter, she took refuge in the former. "I do my best," said she. "So that ye can be charitable in some ways!" He laughed softly. "Glory be, now, I should be thankful for so much. Maybe I'm presumptuous. But I can't forget that when I was no better than a slave in your uncle's household in Barbados, ye used me with a certain kindness." "Why not? In those days you had some claim upon my kindness. You were just an unfortunate gentleman then." "And what else would you be calling me now?" "Hardly unfortunate. We have heard of your good fortune on the seas--how your luck has passed into a byword. And we have heard other things: of your good fortune in other directions." She spoke hastily, the thought of Mademoiselle d'Ogeron in her mind. And instantly would have recalled the words had she been able. But Peter Blood swept them lightly aside, reading into them none of her meaning, as she feared he would. "Aye--a deal of lies, devil a doubt, as I could prove to you." "I cannot think why you should trouble to put yourself on your defence," she discouraged him. "So that ye may think less badly of me than you do." "What I think of you can be a very little matter to you, sir." This was a disarming stroke. He abandoned combat for expostulation. "Can ye say that now? Can ye say that, beholding me in this livery of a service I despise? Didn't ye tell me that I might redeem the past? It's little enough I am concerned to redeem the past save only in your eyes. In my own I've done nothing at all that I am ashamed of, considering the provocation I received." Her glance faltered, and fell away before his own that was so intent. "I... I can't think why you should speak to me like this," she said, with less than her earlier assurance. "Ah, now, can't ye, indeed?" he cried. "Sure, then, I'll be telling ye." "Oh, please." There was real alarm in her voice. "I realize fully what you did, and I realize that partly, at least, you may have been urged by consideration for myself. Believe me, I am very grateful. I shall always be grateful." "But if it's also your intention always to think of me as a thief and a pirate, faith, ye may keep your gratitude for all the good it's like to do me." A livelier colour crept into her cheeks. There was a perceptible heave of the slight breast that faintly swelled the flimsy bodice of white silk. But if she resented his tone and his words, she stifled her resentment. She realized that perhaps she had, herself, provoked his anger. She honestly desired to make amends. "You are mistaken," she began. "It isn't that." But they were fated to misunderstand each other. Jealousy, that troubler of reason, had been over-busy with his wits as it had with hers. "What is it, then?" quoth he, and added the question: "Lord Julian?" She started, and stared at him blankly indignant now. "Och, be frank with me," he urged her, unpardonably. "'Twill be a kindness, so it will." For a moment she stood before him with quickened breathing, the colour ebbing and flowing in her cheeks. Then she looked past him, and tilted her chin forward. "You... you are quite insufferable," she said. "I beg that you will let me pass." He stepped aside, and with the broad feathered hat which he still held in his hand, he waved her on towards the house. "I'll not be detaining you any longer, ma'am. After all, the cursed thing I did for nothing can be undone. Ye'll remember afterwards that it was your hardness drove me." She moved to depart, then checked, and faced him again. It was she now who was on her defence, her voice quivering with indignation. "You take that tone! You dare to take that tone!" she cried, astounding him by her sudden vehemence. "You have the effrontery to upbraid me because I will not take your hands when I know how they are stained; when I know you for a murderer and worse?" He stared at her open-mouthed. "A murderer--I?" he said at last. "Must I name your victims? Did you not murder Levasseur?" "Levasseur?" He smiled a little. "So they've told you about that!" "Do you deny it?" "I killed him, it is true. I can remember killing another man in circumstances that were very similar. That was in Bridgetown on the night of the Spanish raid. Mary Traill would tell you of it. She was present." He clapped his hat on his head with a certain abrupt fierceness, and strode angrily away, before she could answer or even grasp the full significance of what he had said. CHAPTER XXIII. HOSTAGES Peter Blood stood in the pillared portico of Government House, and with unseeing eyes that were laden with pain and anger, stared out across the great harbour of Port Royal to the green hills rising from the farther shore and the ridge of the Blue Mountains beyond, showing hazily through the quivering heat. He was aroused by the return of the negro who had gone to announce him, and following now this slave, he made his way through the house to the wide piazza behind it, in whose shade Colonel Bishop and my Lord Julian Wade took what little air there was. "So ye've come," the Deputy-Governor hailed him, and followed the greeting by a series of grunts of vague but apparently ill-humoured import. He did not trouble to rise, not even when Lord Julian, obeying the instincts of finer breeding, set him the example. From under scowling brows the wealthy Barbados planter considered his sometime slave, who, hat in hand, leaning lightly upon his long beribboned cane, revealed nothing in his countenance of the anger which was being steadily nourished by this cavalier reception. At last, with scowling brow and in self-sufficient tones, Colonel Bishop delivered himself. "I have sent for you, Captain Blood, because of certain news that has just reached me. I am informed that yesterday evening a frigate left the harbour having on board your associate Wolverstone and a hundred men of the hundred and fifty that were serving under you. His lordship and I shall be glad to have your explanation of how you came to permit that departure." "Permit?" quoth Blood. "I ordered it." The answer left Bishop speechless for a moment. Then: "You ordered it?" he said in accents of unbelief, whilst Lord Julian raised his eyebrows. "'Swounds! Perhaps you'll explain yourself? Whither has Wolverstone gone?" "To Tortuga. He's gone with a message to the officers commanding the other four ships of the fleet that is awaiting me there, telling them what's happened and why they are no longer to expect me." Bishop's great face seemed to swell and its high colour to deepen. He swung to Lord Julian. "You hear that, my lord? Deliberately he has let Wolverstone loose upon the seas again--Wolverstone, the worst of all that gang of pirates after himself. I hope your lordship begins at last to perceive the folly of granting the King's commission to such a man as this against all my counsels. Why, this thing is... it's just mutiny... treason! By God! It's matter for a court-martial." "Will you cease your blather of mutiny and treason and courts-martial?" Blood put on his hat, and sat down unbidden. "I have sent Wolverstone to inform Hagthorpe and Christian and Yberville and the rest of my lads that they've one clear month in which to follow my example, quit piracy, and get back to their boucans or their logwood, or else sail out of the Caribbean Sea. That's what I've done." "But the men?" his lordship interposed in his level, cultured voice. "This hundred men that Wolverstone has taken with him?" "They are those of my crew who have no taste for King James's service, and have preferred to seek work of other kinds. It was in our compact, my lord, that there should be no constraining of my men." "I don't remember it," said his lordship, with sincerity. Blood looked at him in surprise. Then he shrugged. "Faith, I'm not to blame for your lordship's poor memory. I say that it was so; and I don't lie. I've never found it necessary. In any case ye couldn't have supposed that I should consent to anything different." And then the Deputy-Governor exploded. "You have given those damned rascals in Tortuga this warning so that they may escape! That is what you have done. That is how you abuse the commission that has saved your own neck!" Peter Blood considered him steadily, his face impassive. "I will remind you," he said at last, very quietly, "that the object in view was--leaving out of account your own appetites which, as every one knows, are just those of a hangman--to rid the Caribbean of buccaneers. Now, I've taken the most effective way of accomplishing that object. The knowledge that I've entered the King's service should in itself go far towards disbanding the fleet of which I was until lately the admiral." "I see!" sneered the Deputy-Governor malevolently. "And if it does not?" "It will be time enough then to consider what else is to be done." Lord Julian forestalled a fresh outburst on the part of Bishop. "It is possible," he said, "that my Lord Sunderland will be satisfied, provided that the solution is such as you promise." It was a courteous, conciliatory speech. Urged by friendliness towards Blood and understanding of the difficult position in which the buccaneer found himself, his lordship was disposed to take his stand upon the letter of his instructions. Therefore he now held out a friendly hand to help him over the latest and most difficult obstacle which Blood himself had enabled Bishop to place in the way of his redemption. Unfortunately the last person from whom Peter Blood desired assistance at that moment was this young nobleman, whom he regarded with the jaundiced eyes of jealousy. "Anyway," he answered, with a suggestion of defiance and more than a suggestion of a sneer, "it's the most ye should expect from me, and certainly it's the most ye'll get." His lordship frowned, and dabbed his lips with a handkerchief. "I don't think that I quite like the way you put it. Indeed, upon reflection, Captain Blood, I am sure that I do not." "I am sorry for that, so I am," said Blood impudently. "But there it is. I'm not on that account concerned to modify it." His lordship's pale eyes opened a little wider. Languidly he raised his eyebrows. "Ah!" he said. "You're a prodigiously uncivil fellow. You disappoint me, sir. I had formed the notion that you might be a gentleman." "And that's not your lordship's only mistake," Bishop cut in. "You made a worse when you gave him the King's commission, and so sheltered the rascal from the gallows I had prepared for him in Port Royal." "Aye--but the worst mistake of all in this matter of commissions," said Blood to his lordship, "was the one that trade this greasy slaver Deputy-Governor of Jamaica instead of its hangman, which is the office for which he's by nature fitted." "Captain Blood!" said his lordship sharply in reproof. "Upon my soul and honour, sir, you go much too far. You are...." But here Bishop interrupted him. He had heaved himself to his feet, at last, and was venting his fury in unprintable abuse. Captain Blood, who had also risen, stood apparently impassive, for the storm to spend itself. When at last this happened, he addressed himself quietly to Lord Julian, as if Colonel Bishop had not spoken. "Your lordship was about to say?" he asked, with challenging smoothness. But his lordship had by now recovered his habitual composure, and was again disposed to be conciliatory. He laughed and shrugged. "Faith! here's a deal of unnecessary heat," said he. "And God knows this plaguey climate provides enough of that. Perhaps, Colonel Bishop, you are a little uncompromising; and you, sir, are certainly a deal too peppery. I have said, speaking on behalf of my Lord Sunderland, that I am content to await the result of your experiment." But Bishop's fury had by now reached a stage in which it was not to be restrained. "Are you, indeed?" he roared. "Well, then, I am not. This is a matter in which your lordship must allow me to be the better judge. And, anyhow, I'll take the risk of acting on my own responsibility." Lord Julian abandoned the struggle. He smiled wearily, shrugged, and waved a hand in implied resignation. The Deputy-Governor stormed on. "Since my lord here has given you a commission, I can't regularly deal with you out of hand for piracy as you deserve. But you shall answer before a court-martial for your action in the matter of Wolverstone, and take the consequences." "I see," said Blood. "Now we come to it. And it's yourself as Deputy-Governor will preside over that same court-martial. So that ye can wipe off old scores by hanging me, it's little ye care how ye do it!" He laughed, and added: "Praemonitus, praemunitus." "What shall that mean?" quoth Lord Julian sharply. "I had imagined that your lordship would have had some education." He was at pains, you see, to be provocative. "It's not the literal meaning I am asking, sir," said Lord Julian, with frosty dignity. "I want to know what you desire me to understand?" "I'll leave your lordship guessing," said Blood. "And I'll be wishing ye both a very good day." He swept off his feathered hat, and made them a leg very elegantly. "Before you go," said Bishop, "and to save you from any idle rashness, I'll tell you that the Harbour-Master and the Commandant have their orders. You don't leave Port Royal, my fine gallows bird. Damme, I mean to provide you with permanent moorings here, in Execution Dock." Peter Blood stiffened, and his vivid blue

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How many times the word 'dross' appears in the text?

But what did I tell ye? Ye see, the young gentleman's under a misapprehension entirely. Perhaps it'll save broken bones if your lordship explains just who and what I am." Lord Julian advanced a step and bowed perfunctorily and rather disdainfully to that very disdainful but now dumbfounded officer. Pitt, who watched the scene from the quarter-deck rail, tells us that his lordship was as grave as a parson at a hanging. But I suspect this gravity for a mask under which Lord Julian was secretly amused. "I have the honour to inform you, sir," he said stiffly, "that Captain Blood holds a commission in the King's service under the seal of my Lord Sunderland, His Majesty's Secretary of State." Captain Calverley's face empurpled; his eyes bulged. The buccaneers in the background chuckled and crowed and swore among themselves in their relish of this comedy. For a long moment Calverley stared in silence at his lordship, observing the costly elegance of his dress, his air of calm assurance, and his cold, fastidious speech, all of which savoured distinctly of the great world to which he belonged. "And who the devil may you be?" he exploded at last. Colder still and more distant than ever grew his lordship's voice. "You're not very civil, sir, as I have already noticed. My name is Wade--Lord Julian Wade. I am His Majesty's envoy to these barbarous parts, and my Lord Sunderland's near kinsman. Colonel Bishop has been notified of my coming." The sudden change in Calverley's manner at Lord Julian's mention of his name showed that the notification had been received, and that he had knowledge of it. "I... I believe that he has," said Calverley, between doubt and suspicion. "That is: that he has been notified of the coming of Lord Julian Wade. But... but... aboard this ship...?" The officer made a gesture of helplessness, and, surrendering to his bewilderment, fell abruptly silent. "I was coming out on the Royal Mary...." "That is what we were advised." "But the Royal Mary fell a victim to a Spanish privateer, and I might never have arrived at all but for the gallantry of Captain Blood, who rescued me." Light broke upon the darkness of Calverley's mind. "I see. I understand." "I will take leave to doubt it." His lordship's tone abated nothing of its asperity. "But that can wait. If Captain Blood will show you his commission, perhaps that will set all doubts at rest, and we may proceed. I shall be glad to reach Port Royal." Captain Blood thrust a parchment under Calverley's bulging eyes. The officer scanned it, particularly the seals and signature. He stepped back, a baffled, impotent man. He bowed helplessly. "I must return to Colonel Bishop for my orders," he informed them. At that moment a lane was opened in the ranks of the men, and through this came Miss Bishop followed by her octoroon woman. Over his shoulder Captain Blood observed her approach. "Perhaps, since Colonel Bishop is with you, you will convey his niece to him. Miss Bishop was aboard the Royal Mary also, and I rescued her together with his lordship. She will be able to acquaint her uncle with the details of that and of the present state of affairs." Swept thus from surprise to surprise, Captain Calverley could do no more than bow again. "As for me," said Lord Julian, with intent to make Miss Bishop's departure free from all interference on the part of the buccaneers, "I shall remain aboard the Arabella until we reach Port Royal. My compliments to Colonel Bishop. Say that I look forward to making his acquaintance there." CHAPTER XXII. HOSTILITIES In the great harbour of Port Royal, spacious enough to have given moorings to all the ships of all the navies of the world, the Arabella rode at anchor. Almost she had the air of a prisoner, for a quarter of a mile ahead, to starboard, rose the lofty, massive single round tower of the fort, whilst a couple of cables'-length astern, and to larboard, rode the six men-of-war that composed the Jamaica squadron. Abeam with the Arabella, across the harbour, were the flat-fronted white buildings of that imposing city that came down to the very water's edge. Behind these the red roofs rose like terraces, marking the gentle slope upon which the city was built, dominated here by a turret, there by a spire, and behind these again a range of green hills with for ultimate background a sky that was like a dome of polished steel. On a cane day-bed that had been set for him on the quarter-deck, sheltered from the dazzling, blistering sunshine by an improvised awning of brown sailcloth, lounged Peter Blood, a calf-bound, well-thumbed copy of Horace's Odes neglected in his hands. From immediately below him came the swish of mops and the gurgle of water in the scuppers, for it was still early morning, and under the directions of Hayton, the bo'sun, the swabbers were at work in the waist and forecastle. Despite the heat and the stagnant air, one of the toilers found breath to croak a ribald buccaneering ditty: "For we laid her board and board, And we put her to the sword, And we sank her in the deep blue sea. So It's heigh-ho, and heave-a-ho! Who'll sail for the Main with me?" Blood fetched a sigh, and the ghost of a smile played over his lean, sun-tanned face. Then the black brows came together above the vivid blue eyes, and thought swiftly closed the door upon his immediate surroundings. Things had not sped at all well with him in the past fortnight since his acceptance of the King's commission. There had been trouble with Bishop from the moment of landing. As Blood and Lord Julian had stepped ashore together, they had been met by a man who took no pains to dissemble his chagrin at the turn of events and his determination to change it. He awaited them on the mole, supported by a group of officers. "You are Lord Julian Wade, I understand," was his truculent greeting. For Blood at the moment he had nothing beyond a malignant glance. Lord Julian bowed. "I take it I have the honour to address Colonel Bishop, Deputy-Governor of Jamaica." It was almost as if his lordship were giving the Colonel a lesson in deportment. The Colonel accepted it, and belatedly bowed, removing his broad hat. Then he plunged on. "You have granted, I am told, the King's commission to this man." His very tone betrayed the bitterness of his rancour. "Your motives were no doubt worthy... your gratitude to him for delivering you from the Spaniards. But the thing itself is unthinkable, my lord. The commission must be cancelled." "I don't think I understand," said Lord Julian distantly. "To be sure you don't, or you'd never ha' done it. The fellow's bubbled you. Why, he's first a rebel, then an escaped slave, and lastly a bloody pirate. I've been hunting him this year past." "I assure you, sir, that I was fully informed of all. I do not grant the King's commission lightly." "Don't you, by God! And what else do you call this? But as His Majesty's Deputy-Governor of Jamaica, I'll take leave to correct your mistake in my own way." "Ah! And what way may that be?" "There's a gallows waiting for this rascal in Port Royal." Blood would have intervened at that, but Lord Julian forestalled him. "I see, sir, that you do not yet quite apprehend the circumstances. If it is a mistake to grant Captain Blood a commission, the mistake is not mine. I am acting upon the instructions of my Lord Sunderland; and with a full knowledge of all the facts, his lordship expressly designated Captain Blood for this commission if Captain Blood could be persuaded to accept it." Colonel Bishop's mouth fell open in surprise and dismay. "Lord Sunderland designated him?" he asked, amazed. "Expressly." His lordship waited a moment for a reply. None coming from the speechless Deputy-Governor, he asked a question: "Would you still venture to describe the matter as a mistake, sir? And dare you take the risk of correcting it?" "I... I had not dreamed...." "I understand, sir. Let me present Captain Blood." Perforce Bishop must put on the best face he could command. But that it was no more than a mask for his fury and his venom was plain to all. From that unpromising beginning matters had not improved; rather had they grown worse. Blood's thoughts were upon this and other things as he lounged there on the day-bed. He had been a fortnight in Port Royal, his ship virtually a unit now in the Jamaica squadron. And when the news of it reached Tortuga and the buccaneers who awaited his return, the name of Captain Blood, which had stood so high among the Brethren of the Coast, would become a byword, a thing of execration, and before all was done his life might pay forfeit for what would be accounted a treacherous defection. And for what had he placed himself in this position? For the sake of a girl who avoided him so persistently and intentionally that he must assume that she still regarded him with aversion. He had scarcely been vouchsafed a glimpse of her in all this fortnight, although with that in view for his main object he had daily haunted her uncle's residence, and daily braved the unmasked hostility and baffled rancour in which Colonel Bishop held him. Nor was that the worst of it. He was allowed plainly to perceive that it was the graceful, elegant young trifler from St. James's, Lord Julian Wade, to whom her every moment was devoted. And what chance had he, a desperate adventurer with a record of outlawry, against such a rival as that, a man of parts, moreover, as he was bound to admit? You conceive the bitterness of his soul. He beheld himself to be as the dog in the fable that had dropped the substance to snatch at a delusive shadow. He sought comfort in a line on the open page before him: "levius fit patientia quicquid corrigere est nefas." Sought it, but hardly found it. A boat that had approached unnoticed from the shore came scraping and bumping against the great red hull of the Arabella, and a raucous voice sent up a hailing shout. From the ship's belfry two silvery notes rang clear and sharp, and a moment or two later the bo'sun's whistle shrilled a long wail. The sounds disturbed Captain Blood from his disgruntled musings. He rose, tall, active, and arrestingly elegant in a scarlet, gold-laced coat that advertised his new position, and slipping the slender volume into his pocket, advanced to the carved rail of the quarter-deck, just as Jeremy Pitt was setting foot upon the companion. "A note for you from the Deputy-Governor," said the master shortly, as he proffered a folded sheet. Blood broke the seal, and read. Pitt, loosely clad in shirt and breeches, leaned against the rail the while and watched him, unmistakable concern imprinted on his fair, frank countenance. Blood uttered a short laugh, and curled his lip. "It is a very peremptory summons," he said, and passed the note to his friend. The young master's grey eyes skimmed it. Thoughtfully he stroked his golden beard. "You'll not go?" he said, between question and assertion. "Why not? Haven't I been a daily visitor at the fort...?" "But it'll be about the Old Wolf that he wants to see you. It gives him a grievance at last. You know, Peter, that it is Lord Julian alone has stood between Bishop and his hate of you. If now he can show that...." "What if he can?" Blood interrupted carelessly. "Shall I be in greater danger ashore than aboard, now that we've but fifty men left, and they lukewarm rogues who would as soon serve the King as me? Jeremy, dear lad, the Arabella's a prisoner here, bedad, 'twixt the fort there and the fleet yonder. Don't be forgetting that." Jeremy clenched his hands. "Why did ye let Wolverstone and the others go?" he cried, with a touch of bitterness. "You should have seen the danger." "How could I in honesty have detained them? It was in the bargain. Besides, how could their staying have helped me?" And as Pitt did not answer him: "Ye see?" he said, and shrugged. "I'll be getting my hat and cane and sword, and go ashore in the cock-boat. See it manned for me." "Ye're going to deliver yourself into Bishop's hands," Pitt warned him. "Well, well, maybe he'll not find me quite so easy to grasp as he imagines. There's a thorn or two left on me." And with a laugh Blood departed to his cabin. Jeremy Pitt answered the laugh with an oath. A moment he stood irresolute where Blood had left him. Then slowly, reluctance dragging at his feet, he went down the companion to give the order for the cock-boat. "If anything should happen to you, Peter," he said, as Blood was going over the side, "Colonel Bishop had better look to himself. These fifty lads may be lukewarm at present, as you say, but--sink me!--they'll be anything but lukewarm if there's a breach of faith." "And what should be happening to me, Jeremy? Sure, now, I'll be back for dinner, so I will." Blood climbed down into the waiting boat. But laugh though he might, he knew as well as Pitt that in going ashore that morning he carried his life in his hands. Because of this, it may have been that when he stepped on to the narrow mole, in the shadow of the shallow outer wall of the fort through whose crenels were thrust the black noses of its heavy guns, he gave order that the boat should stay for him at that spot. He realized that he might have to retreat in a hurry. Walking leisurely, he skirted the embattled wall, and passed through the great gates into the courtyard. Half-a-dozen soldiers lounged there, and in the shadow cast by the wall, Major Mallard, the Commandant, was slowly pacing. He stopped short at sight of Captain Blood, and saluted him, as was his due, but the smile that lifted the officer's stiff mostachios was grimly sardonic. Peter Blood's attention, however, was elsewhere. On his right stretched a spacious garden, beyond which rose the white house that was the residence of the Deputy-Governor. In that garden's main avenue, that was fringed with palm and sandalwood, he had caught sight of Miss Bishop alone. He crossed the courtyard with suddenly lengthened stride. "Good-morning to ye, ma'am," was his greeting as he overtook her; and hat in hand now, he added on a note of protest: "Sure, it's nothing less than uncharitable to make me run in this heat." "Why do you run, then?" she asked him coolly, standing slim and straight before him, all in white and very maidenly save in her unnatural composure. "I am pressed," she informed him. "So you will forgive me if I do not stay." "You were none so pressed until I came," he protested, and if his thin lips smiled, his blue eyes were oddly hard. "Since you perceive it, sir, I wonder that you trouble to be so insistent." That crossed the swords between them, and it was against Blood's instincts to avoid an engagement. "Faith, you explain yourself after a fashion," said he. "But since it was more or less in your service that I donned the King's coat, you should suffer it to cover the thief and pirate." She shrugged and turned aside, in some resentment and some regret. Fearing to betray the latter, she took refuge in the former. "I do my best," said she. "So that ye can be charitable in some ways!" He laughed softly. "Glory be, now, I should be thankful for so much. Maybe I'm presumptuous. But I can't forget that when I was no better than a slave in your uncle's household in Barbados, ye used me with a certain kindness." "Why not? In those days you had some claim upon my kindness. You were just an unfortunate gentleman then." "And what else would you be calling me now?" "Hardly unfortunate. We have heard of your good fortune on the seas--how your luck has passed into a byword. And we have heard other things: of your good fortune in other directions." She spoke hastily, the thought of Mademoiselle d'Ogeron in her mind. And instantly would have recalled the words had she been able. But Peter Blood swept them lightly aside, reading into them none of her meaning, as she feared he would. "Aye--a deal of lies, devil a doubt, as I could prove to you." "I cannot think why you should trouble to put yourself on your defence," she discouraged him. "So that ye may think less badly of me than you do." "What I think of you can be a very little matter to you, sir." This was a disarming stroke. He abandoned combat for expostulation. "Can ye say that now? Can ye say that, beholding me in this livery of a service I despise? Didn't ye tell me that I might redeem the past? It's little enough I am concerned to redeem the past save only in your eyes. In my own I've done nothing at all that I am ashamed of, considering the provocation I received." Her glance faltered, and fell away before his own that was so intent. "I... I can't think why you should speak to me like this," she said, with less than her earlier assurance. "Ah, now, can't ye, indeed?" he cried. "Sure, then, I'll be telling ye." "Oh, please." There was real alarm in her voice. "I realize fully what you did, and I realize that partly, at least, you may have been urged by consideration for myself. Believe me, I am very grateful. I shall always be grateful." "But if it's also your intention always to think of me as a thief and a pirate, faith, ye may keep your gratitude for all the good it's like to do me." A livelier colour crept into her cheeks. There was a perceptible heave of the slight breast that faintly swelled the flimsy bodice of white silk. But if she resented his tone and his words, she stifled her resentment. She realized that perhaps she had, herself, provoked his anger. She honestly desired to make amends. "You are mistaken," she began. "It isn't that." But they were fated to misunderstand each other. Jealousy, that troubler of reason, had been over-busy with his wits as it had with hers. "What is it, then?" quoth he, and added the question: "Lord Julian?" She started, and stared at him blankly indignant now. "Och, be frank with me," he urged her, unpardonably. "'Twill be a kindness, so it will." For a moment she stood before him with quickened breathing, the colour ebbing and flowing in her cheeks. Then she looked past him, and tilted her chin forward. "You... you are quite insufferable," she said. "I beg that you will let me pass." He stepped aside, and with the broad feathered hat which he still held in his hand, he waved her on towards the house. "I'll not be detaining you any longer, ma'am. After all, the cursed thing I did for nothing can be undone. Ye'll remember afterwards that it was your hardness drove me." She moved to depart, then checked, and faced him again. It was she now who was on her defence, her voice quivering with indignation. "You take that tone! You dare to take that tone!" she cried, astounding him by her sudden vehemence. "You have the effrontery to upbraid me because I will not take your hands when I know how they are stained; when I know you for a murderer and worse?" He stared at her open-mouthed. "A murderer--I?" he said at last. "Must I name your victims? Did you not murder Levasseur?" "Levasseur?" He smiled a little. "So they've told you about that!" "Do you deny it?" "I killed him, it is true. I can remember killing another man in circumstances that were very similar. That was in Bridgetown on the night of the Spanish raid. Mary Traill would tell you of it. She was present." He clapped his hat on his head with a certain abrupt fierceness, and strode angrily away, before she could answer or even grasp the full significance of what he had said. CHAPTER XXIII. HOSTAGES Peter Blood stood in the pillared portico of Government House, and with unseeing eyes that were laden with pain and anger, stared out across the great harbour of Port Royal to the green hills rising from the farther shore and the ridge of the Blue Mountains beyond, showing hazily through the quivering heat. He was aroused by the return of the negro who had gone to announce him, and following now this slave, he made his way through the house to the wide piazza behind it, in whose shade Colonel Bishop and my Lord Julian Wade took what little air there was. "So ye've come," the Deputy-Governor hailed him, and followed the greeting by a series of grunts of vague but apparently ill-humoured import. He did not trouble to rise, not even when Lord Julian, obeying the instincts of finer breeding, set him the example. From under scowling brows the wealthy Barbados planter considered his sometime slave, who, hat in hand, leaning lightly upon his long beribboned cane, revealed nothing in his countenance of the anger which was being steadily nourished by this cavalier reception. At last, with scowling brow and in self-sufficient tones, Colonel Bishop delivered himself. "I have sent for you, Captain Blood, because of certain news that has just reached me. I am informed that yesterday evening a frigate left the harbour having on board your associate Wolverstone and a hundred men of the hundred and fifty that were serving under you. His lordship and I shall be glad to have your explanation of how you came to permit that departure." "Permit?" quoth Blood. "I ordered it." The answer left Bishop speechless for a moment. Then: "You ordered it?" he said in accents of unbelief, whilst Lord Julian raised his eyebrows. "'Swounds! Perhaps you'll explain yourself? Whither has Wolverstone gone?" "To Tortuga. He's gone with a message to the officers commanding the other four ships of the fleet that is awaiting me there, telling them what's happened and why they are no longer to expect me." Bishop's great face seemed to swell and its high colour to deepen. He swung to Lord Julian. "You hear that, my lord? Deliberately he has let Wolverstone loose upon the seas again--Wolverstone, the worst of all that gang of pirates after himself. I hope your lordship begins at last to perceive the folly of granting the King's commission to such a man as this against all my counsels. Why, this thing is... it's just mutiny... treason! By God! It's matter for a court-martial." "Will you cease your blather of mutiny and treason and courts-martial?" Blood put on his hat, and sat down unbidden. "I have sent Wolverstone to inform Hagthorpe and Christian and Yberville and the rest of my lads that they've one clear month in which to follow my example, quit piracy, and get back to their boucans or their logwood, or else sail out of the Caribbean Sea. That's what I've done." "But the men?" his lordship interposed in his level, cultured voice. "This hundred men that Wolverstone has taken with him?" "They are those of my crew who have no taste for King James's service, and have preferred to seek work of other kinds. It was in our compact, my lord, that there should be no constraining of my men." "I don't remember it," said his lordship, with sincerity. Blood looked at him in surprise. Then he shrugged. "Faith, I'm not to blame for your lordship's poor memory. I say that it was so; and I don't lie. I've never found it necessary. In any case ye couldn't have supposed that I should consent to anything different." And then the Deputy-Governor exploded. "You have given those damned rascals in Tortuga this warning so that they may escape! That is what you have done. That is how you abuse the commission that has saved your own neck!" Peter Blood considered him steadily, his face impassive. "I will remind you," he said at last, very quietly, "that the object in view was--leaving out of account your own appetites which, as every one knows, are just those of a hangman--to rid the Caribbean of buccaneers. Now, I've taken the most effective way of accomplishing that object. The knowledge that I've entered the King's service should in itself go far towards disbanding the fleet of which I was until lately the admiral." "I see!" sneered the Deputy-Governor malevolently. "And if it does not?" "It will be time enough then to consider what else is to be done." Lord Julian forestalled a fresh outburst on the part of Bishop. "It is possible," he said, "that my Lord Sunderland will be satisfied, provided that the solution is such as you promise." It was a courteous, conciliatory speech. Urged by friendliness towards Blood and understanding of the difficult position in which the buccaneer found himself, his lordship was disposed to take his stand upon the letter of his instructions. Therefore he now held out a friendly hand to help him over the latest and most difficult obstacle which Blood himself had enabled Bishop to place in the way of his redemption. Unfortunately the last person from whom Peter Blood desired assistance at that moment was this young nobleman, whom he regarded with the jaundiced eyes of jealousy. "Anyway," he answered, with a suggestion of defiance and more than a suggestion of a sneer, "it's the most ye should expect from me, and certainly it's the most ye'll get." His lordship frowned, and dabbed his lips with a handkerchief. "I don't think that I quite like the way you put it. Indeed, upon reflection, Captain Blood, I am sure that I do not." "I am sorry for that, so I am," said Blood impudently. "But there it is. I'm not on that account concerned to modify it." His lordship's pale eyes opened a little wider. Languidly he raised his eyebrows. "Ah!" he said. "You're a prodigiously uncivil fellow. You disappoint me, sir. I had formed the notion that you might be a gentleman." "And that's not your lordship's only mistake," Bishop cut in. "You made a worse when you gave him the King's commission, and so sheltered the rascal from the gallows I had prepared for him in Port Royal." "Aye--but the worst mistake of all in this matter of commissions," said Blood to his lordship, "was the one that trade this greasy slaver Deputy-Governor of Jamaica instead of its hangman, which is the office for which he's by nature fitted." "Captain Blood!" said his lordship sharply in reproof. "Upon my soul and honour, sir, you go much too far. You are...." But here Bishop interrupted him. He had heaved himself to his feet, at last, and was venting his fury in unprintable abuse. Captain Blood, who had also risen, stood apparently impassive, for the storm to spend itself. When at last this happened, he addressed himself quietly to Lord Julian, as if Colonel Bishop had not spoken. "Your lordship was about to say?" he asked, with challenging smoothness. But his lordship had by now recovered his habitual composure, and was again disposed to be conciliatory. He laughed and shrugged. "Faith! here's a deal of unnecessary heat," said he. "And God knows this plaguey climate provides enough of that. Perhaps, Colonel Bishop, you are a little uncompromising; and you, sir, are certainly a deal too peppery. I have said, speaking on behalf of my Lord Sunderland, that I am content to await the result of your experiment." But Bishop's fury had by now reached a stage in which it was not to be restrained. "Are you, indeed?" he roared. "Well, then, I am not. This is a matter in which your lordship must allow me to be the better judge. And, anyhow, I'll take the risk of acting on my own responsibility." Lord Julian abandoned the struggle. He smiled wearily, shrugged, and waved a hand in implied resignation. The Deputy-Governor stormed on. "Since my lord here has given you a commission, I can't regularly deal with you out of hand for piracy as you deserve. But you shall answer before a court-martial for your action in the matter of Wolverstone, and take the consequences." "I see," said Blood. "Now we come to it. And it's yourself as Deputy-Governor will preside over that same court-martial. So that ye can wipe off old scores by hanging me, it's little ye care how ye do it!" He laughed, and added: "Praemonitus, praemunitus." "What shall that mean?" quoth Lord Julian sharply. "I had imagined that your lordship would have had some education." He was at pains, you see, to be provocative. "It's not the literal meaning I am asking, sir," said Lord Julian, with frosty dignity. "I want to know what you desire me to understand?" "I'll leave your lordship guessing," said Blood. "And I'll be wishing ye both a very good day." He swept off his feathered hat, and made them a leg very elegantly. "Before you go," said Bishop, "and to save you from any idle rashness, I'll tell you that the Harbour-Master and the Commandant have their orders. You don't leave Port Royal, my fine gallows bird. Damme, I mean to provide you with permanent moorings here, in Execution Dock." Peter Blood stiffened, and his vivid blue

gale

How many times the word 'gale' appears in the text?

But what did I tell ye? Ye see, the young gentleman's under a misapprehension entirely. Perhaps it'll save broken bones if your lordship explains just who and what I am." Lord Julian advanced a step and bowed perfunctorily and rather disdainfully to that very disdainful but now dumbfounded officer. Pitt, who watched the scene from the quarter-deck rail, tells us that his lordship was as grave as a parson at a hanging. But I suspect this gravity for a mask under which Lord Julian was secretly amused. "I have the honour to inform you, sir," he said stiffly, "that Captain Blood holds a commission in the King's service under the seal of my Lord Sunderland, His Majesty's Secretary of State." Captain Calverley's face empurpled; his eyes bulged. The buccaneers in the background chuckled and crowed and swore among themselves in their relish of this comedy. For a long moment Calverley stared in silence at his lordship, observing the costly elegance of his dress, his air of calm assurance, and his cold, fastidious speech, all of which savoured distinctly of the great world to which he belonged. "And who the devil may you be?" he exploded at last. Colder still and more distant than ever grew his lordship's voice. "You're not very civil, sir, as I have already noticed. My name is Wade--Lord Julian Wade. I am His Majesty's envoy to these barbarous parts, and my Lord Sunderland's near kinsman. Colonel Bishop has been notified of my coming." The sudden change in Calverley's manner at Lord Julian's mention of his name showed that the notification had been received, and that he had knowledge of it. "I... I believe that he has," said Calverley, between doubt and suspicion. "That is: that he has been notified of the coming of Lord Julian Wade. But... but... aboard this ship...?" The officer made a gesture of helplessness, and, surrendering to his bewilderment, fell abruptly silent. "I was coming out on the Royal Mary...." "That is what we were advised." "But the Royal Mary fell a victim to a Spanish privateer, and I might never have arrived at all but for the gallantry of Captain Blood, who rescued me." Light broke upon the darkness of Calverley's mind. "I see. I understand." "I will take leave to doubt it." His lordship's tone abated nothing of its asperity. "But that can wait. If Captain Blood will show you his commission, perhaps that will set all doubts at rest, and we may proceed. I shall be glad to reach Port Royal." Captain Blood thrust a parchment under Calverley's bulging eyes. The officer scanned it, particularly the seals and signature. He stepped back, a baffled, impotent man. He bowed helplessly. "I must return to Colonel Bishop for my orders," he informed them. At that moment a lane was opened in the ranks of the men, and through this came Miss Bishop followed by her octoroon woman. Over his shoulder Captain Blood observed her approach. "Perhaps, since Colonel Bishop is with you, you will convey his niece to him. Miss Bishop was aboard the Royal Mary also, and I rescued her together with his lordship. She will be able to acquaint her uncle with the details of that and of the present state of affairs." Swept thus from surprise to surprise, Captain Calverley could do no more than bow again. "As for me," said Lord Julian, with intent to make Miss Bishop's departure free from all interference on the part of the buccaneers, "I shall remain aboard the Arabella until we reach Port Royal. My compliments to Colonel Bishop. Say that I look forward to making his acquaintance there." CHAPTER XXII. HOSTILITIES In the great harbour of Port Royal, spacious enough to have given moorings to all the ships of all the navies of the world, the Arabella rode at anchor. Almost she had the air of a prisoner, for a quarter of a mile ahead, to starboard, rose the lofty, massive single round tower of the fort, whilst a couple of cables'-length astern, and to larboard, rode the six men-of-war that composed the Jamaica squadron. Abeam with the Arabella, across the harbour, were the flat-fronted white buildings of that imposing city that came down to the very water's edge. Behind these the red roofs rose like terraces, marking the gentle slope upon which the city was built, dominated here by a turret, there by a spire, and behind these again a range of green hills with for ultimate background a sky that was like a dome of polished steel. On a cane day-bed that had been set for him on the quarter-deck, sheltered from the dazzling, blistering sunshine by an improvised awning of brown sailcloth, lounged Peter Blood, a calf-bound, well-thumbed copy of Horace's Odes neglected in his hands. From immediately below him came the swish of mops and the gurgle of water in the scuppers, for it was still early morning, and under the directions of Hayton, the bo'sun, the swabbers were at work in the waist and forecastle. Despite the heat and the stagnant air, one of the toilers found breath to croak a ribald buccaneering ditty: "For we laid her board and board, And we put her to the sword, And we sank her in the deep blue sea. So It's heigh-ho, and heave-a-ho! Who'll sail for the Main with me?" Blood fetched a sigh, and the ghost of a smile played over his lean, sun-tanned face. Then the black brows came together above the vivid blue eyes, and thought swiftly closed the door upon his immediate surroundings. Things had not sped at all well with him in the past fortnight since his acceptance of the King's commission. There had been trouble with Bishop from the moment of landing. As Blood and Lord Julian had stepped ashore together, they had been met by a man who took no pains to dissemble his chagrin at the turn of events and his determination to change it. He awaited them on the mole, supported by a group of officers. "You are Lord Julian Wade, I understand," was his truculent greeting. For Blood at the moment he had nothing beyond a malignant glance. Lord Julian bowed. "I take it I have the honour to address Colonel Bishop, Deputy-Governor of Jamaica." It was almost as if his lordship were giving the Colonel a lesson in deportment. The Colonel accepted it, and belatedly bowed, removing his broad hat. Then he plunged on. "You have granted, I am told, the King's commission to this man." His very tone betrayed the bitterness of his rancour. "Your motives were no doubt worthy... your gratitude to him for delivering you from the Spaniards. But the thing itself is unthinkable, my lord. The commission must be cancelled." "I don't think I understand," said Lord Julian distantly. "To be sure you don't, or you'd never ha' done it. The fellow's bubbled you. Why, he's first a rebel, then an escaped slave, and lastly a bloody pirate. I've been hunting him this year past." "I assure you, sir, that I was fully informed of all. I do not grant the King's commission lightly." "Don't you, by God! And what else do you call this? But as His Majesty's Deputy-Governor of Jamaica, I'll take leave to correct your mistake in my own way." "Ah! And what way may that be?" "There's a gallows waiting for this rascal in Port Royal." Blood would have intervened at that, but Lord Julian forestalled him. "I see, sir, that you do not yet quite apprehend the circumstances. If it is a mistake to grant Captain Blood a commission, the mistake is not mine. I am acting upon the instructions of my Lord Sunderland; and with a full knowledge of all the facts, his lordship expressly designated Captain Blood for this commission if Captain Blood could be persuaded to accept it." Colonel Bishop's mouth fell open in surprise and dismay. "Lord Sunderland designated him?" he asked, amazed. "Expressly." His lordship waited a moment for a reply. None coming from the speechless Deputy-Governor, he asked a question: "Would you still venture to describe the matter as a mistake, sir? And dare you take the risk of correcting it?" "I... I had not dreamed...." "I understand, sir. Let me present Captain Blood." Perforce Bishop must put on the best face he could command. But that it was no more than a mask for his fury and his venom was plain to all. From that unpromising beginning matters had not improved; rather had they grown worse. Blood's thoughts were upon this and other things as he lounged there on the day-bed. He had been a fortnight in Port Royal, his ship virtually a unit now in the Jamaica squadron. And when the news of it reached Tortuga and the buccaneers who awaited his return, the name of Captain Blood, which had stood so high among the Brethren of the Coast, would become a byword, a thing of execration, and before all was done his life might pay forfeit for what would be accounted a treacherous defection. And for what had he placed himself in this position? For the sake of a girl who avoided him so persistently and intentionally that he must assume that she still regarded him with aversion. He had scarcely been vouchsafed a glimpse of her in all this fortnight, although with that in view for his main object he had daily haunted her uncle's residence, and daily braved the unmasked hostility and baffled rancour in which Colonel Bishop held him. Nor was that the worst of it. He was allowed plainly to perceive that it was the graceful, elegant young trifler from St. James's, Lord Julian Wade, to whom her every moment was devoted. And what chance had he, a desperate adventurer with a record of outlawry, against such a rival as that, a man of parts, moreover, as he was bound to admit? You conceive the bitterness of his soul. He beheld himself to be as the dog in the fable that had dropped the substance to snatch at a delusive shadow. He sought comfort in a line on the open page before him: "levius fit patientia quicquid corrigere est nefas." Sought it, but hardly found it. A boat that had approached unnoticed from the shore came scraping and bumping against the great red hull of the Arabella, and a raucous voice sent up a hailing shout. From the ship's belfry two silvery notes rang clear and sharp, and a moment or two later the bo'sun's whistle shrilled a long wail. The sounds disturbed Captain Blood from his disgruntled musings. He rose, tall, active, and arrestingly elegant in a scarlet, gold-laced coat that advertised his new position, and slipping the slender volume into his pocket, advanced to the carved rail of the quarter-deck, just as Jeremy Pitt was setting foot upon the companion. "A note for you from the Deputy-Governor," said the master shortly, as he proffered a folded sheet. Blood broke the seal, and read. Pitt, loosely clad in shirt and breeches, leaned against the rail the while and watched him, unmistakable concern imprinted on his fair, frank countenance. Blood uttered a short laugh, and curled his lip. "It is a very peremptory summons," he said, and passed the note to his friend. The young master's grey eyes skimmed it. Thoughtfully he stroked his golden beard. "You'll not go?" he said, between question and assertion. "Why not? Haven't I been a daily visitor at the fort...?" "But it'll be about the Old Wolf that he wants to see you. It gives him a grievance at last. You know, Peter, that it is Lord Julian alone has stood between Bishop and his hate of you. If now he can show that...." "What if he can?" Blood interrupted carelessly. "Shall I be in greater danger ashore than aboard, now that we've but fifty men left, and they lukewarm rogues who would as soon serve the King as me? Jeremy, dear lad, the Arabella's a prisoner here, bedad, 'twixt the fort there and the fleet yonder. Don't be forgetting that." Jeremy clenched his hands. "Why did ye let Wolverstone and the others go?" he cried, with a touch of bitterness. "You should have seen the danger." "How could I in honesty have detained them? It was in the bargain. Besides, how could their staying have helped me?" And as Pitt did not answer him: "Ye see?" he said, and shrugged. "I'll be getting my hat and cane and sword, and go ashore in the cock-boat. See it manned for me." "Ye're going to deliver yourself into Bishop's hands," Pitt warned him. "Well, well, maybe he'll not find me quite so easy to grasp as he imagines. There's a thorn or two left on me." And with a laugh Blood departed to his cabin. Jeremy Pitt answered the laugh with an oath. A moment he stood irresolute where Blood had left him. Then slowly, reluctance dragging at his feet, he went down the companion to give the order for the cock-boat. "If anything should happen to you, Peter," he said, as Blood was going over the side, "Colonel Bishop had better look to himself. These fifty lads may be lukewarm at present, as you say, but--sink me!--they'll be anything but lukewarm if there's a breach of faith." "And what should be happening to me, Jeremy? Sure, now, I'll be back for dinner, so I will." Blood climbed down into the waiting boat. But laugh though he might, he knew as well as Pitt that in going ashore that morning he carried his life in his hands. Because of this, it may have been that when he stepped on to the narrow mole, in the shadow of the shallow outer wall of the fort through whose crenels were thrust the black noses of its heavy guns, he gave order that the boat should stay for him at that spot. He realized that he might have to retreat in a hurry. Walking leisurely, he skirted the embattled wall, and passed through the great gates into the courtyard. Half-a-dozen soldiers lounged there, and in the shadow cast by the wall, Major Mallard, the Commandant, was slowly pacing. He stopped short at sight of Captain Blood, and saluted him, as was his due, but the smile that lifted the officer's stiff mostachios was grimly sardonic. Peter Blood's attention, however, was elsewhere. On his right stretched a spacious garden, beyond which rose the white house that was the residence of the Deputy-Governor. In that garden's main avenue, that was fringed with palm and sandalwood, he had caught sight of Miss Bishop alone. He crossed the courtyard with suddenly lengthened stride. "Good-morning to ye, ma'am," was his greeting as he overtook her; and hat in hand now, he added on a note of protest: "Sure, it's nothing less than uncharitable to make me run in this heat." "Why do you run, then?" she asked him coolly, standing slim and straight before him, all in white and very maidenly save in her unnatural composure. "I am pressed," she informed him. "So you will forgive me if I do not stay." "You were none so pressed until I came," he protested, and if his thin lips smiled, his blue eyes were oddly hard. "Since you perceive it, sir, I wonder that you trouble to be so insistent." That crossed the swords between them, and it was against Blood's instincts to avoid an engagement. "Faith, you explain yourself after a fashion," said he. "But since it was more or less in your service that I donned the King's coat, you should suffer it to cover the thief and pirate." She shrugged and turned aside, in some resentment and some regret. Fearing to betray the latter, she took refuge in the former. "I do my best," said she. "So that ye can be charitable in some ways!" He laughed softly. "Glory be, now, I should be thankful for so much. Maybe I'm presumptuous. But I can't forget that when I was no better than a slave in your uncle's household in Barbados, ye used me with a certain kindness." "Why not? In those days you had some claim upon my kindness. You were just an unfortunate gentleman then." "And what else would you be calling me now?" "Hardly unfortunate. We have heard of your good fortune on the seas--how your luck has passed into a byword. And we have heard other things: of your good fortune in other directions." She spoke hastily, the thought of Mademoiselle d'Ogeron in her mind. And instantly would have recalled the words had she been able. But Peter Blood swept them lightly aside, reading into them none of her meaning, as she feared he would. "Aye--a deal of lies, devil a doubt, as I could prove to you." "I cannot think why you should trouble to put yourself on your defence," she discouraged him. "So that ye may think less badly of me than you do." "What I think of you can be a very little matter to you, sir." This was a disarming stroke. He abandoned combat for expostulation. "Can ye say that now? Can ye say that, beholding me in this livery of a service I despise? Didn't ye tell me that I might redeem the past? It's little enough I am concerned to redeem the past save only in your eyes. In my own I've done nothing at all that I am ashamed of, considering the provocation I received." Her glance faltered, and fell away before his own that was so intent. "I... I can't think why you should speak to me like this," she said, with less than her earlier assurance. "Ah, now, can't ye, indeed?" he cried. "Sure, then, I'll be telling ye." "Oh, please." There was real alarm in her voice. "I realize fully what you did, and I realize that partly, at least, you may have been urged by consideration for myself. Believe me, I am very grateful. I shall always be grateful." "But if it's also your intention always to think of me as a thief and a pirate, faith, ye may keep your gratitude for all the good it's like to do me." A livelier colour crept into her cheeks. There was a perceptible heave of the slight breast that faintly swelled the flimsy bodice of white silk. But if she resented his tone and his words, she stifled her resentment. She realized that perhaps she had, herself, provoked his anger. She honestly desired to make amends. "You are mistaken," she began. "It isn't that." But they were fated to misunderstand each other. Jealousy, that troubler of reason, had been over-busy with his wits as it had with hers. "What is it, then?" quoth he, and added the question: "Lord Julian?" She started, and stared at him blankly indignant now. "Och, be frank with me," he urged her, unpardonably. "'Twill be a kindness, so it will." For a moment she stood before him with quickened breathing, the colour ebbing and flowing in her cheeks. Then she looked past him, and tilted her chin forward. "You... you are quite insufferable," she said. "I beg that you will let me pass." He stepped aside, and with the broad feathered hat which he still held in his hand, he waved her on towards the house. "I'll not be detaining you any longer, ma'am. After all, the cursed thing I did for nothing can be undone. Ye'll remember afterwards that it was your hardness drove me." She moved to depart, then checked, and faced him again. It was she now who was on her defence, her voice quivering with indignation. "You take that tone! You dare to take that tone!" she cried, astounding him by her sudden vehemence. "You have the effrontery to upbraid me because I will not take your hands when I know how they are stained; when I know you for a murderer and worse?" He stared at her open-mouthed. "A murderer--I?" he said at last. "Must I name your victims? Did you not murder Levasseur?" "Levasseur?" He smiled a little. "So they've told you about that!" "Do you deny it?" "I killed him, it is true. I can remember killing another man in circumstances that were very similar. That was in Bridgetown on the night of the Spanish raid. Mary Traill would tell you of it. She was present." He clapped his hat on his head with a certain abrupt fierceness, and strode angrily away, before she could answer or even grasp the full significance of what he had said. CHAPTER XXIII. HOSTAGES Peter Blood stood in the pillared portico of Government House, and with unseeing eyes that were laden with pain and anger, stared out across the great harbour of Port Royal to the green hills rising from the farther shore and the ridge of the Blue Mountains beyond, showing hazily through the quivering heat. He was aroused by the return of the negro who had gone to announce him, and following now this slave, he made his way through the house to the wide piazza behind it, in whose shade Colonel Bishop and my Lord Julian Wade took what little air there was. "So ye've come," the Deputy-Governor hailed him, and followed the greeting by a series of grunts of vague but apparently ill-humoured import. He did not trouble to rise, not even when Lord Julian, obeying the instincts of finer breeding, set him the example. From under scowling brows the wealthy Barbados planter considered his sometime slave, who, hat in hand, leaning lightly upon his long beribboned cane, revealed nothing in his countenance of the anger which was being steadily nourished by this cavalier reception. At last, with scowling brow and in self-sufficient tones, Colonel Bishop delivered himself. "I have sent for you, Captain Blood, because of certain news that has just reached me. I am informed that yesterday evening a frigate left the harbour having on board your associate Wolverstone and a hundred men of the hundred and fifty that were serving under you. His lordship and I shall be glad to have your explanation of how you came to permit that departure." "Permit?" quoth Blood. "I ordered it." The answer left Bishop speechless for a moment. Then: "You ordered it?" he said in accents of unbelief, whilst Lord Julian raised his eyebrows. "'Swounds! Perhaps you'll explain yourself? Whither has Wolverstone gone?" "To Tortuga. He's gone with a message to the officers commanding the other four ships of the fleet that is awaiting me there, telling them what's happened and why they are no longer to expect me." Bishop's great face seemed to swell and its high colour to deepen. He swung to Lord Julian. "You hear that, my lord? Deliberately he has let Wolverstone loose upon the seas again--Wolverstone, the worst of all that gang of pirates after himself. I hope your lordship begins at last to perceive the folly of granting the King's commission to such a man as this against all my counsels. Why, this thing is... it's just mutiny... treason! By God! It's matter for a court-martial." "Will you cease your blather of mutiny and treason and courts-martial?" Blood put on his hat, and sat down unbidden. "I have sent Wolverstone to inform Hagthorpe and Christian and Yberville and the rest of my lads that they've one clear month in which to follow my example, quit piracy, and get back to their boucans or their logwood, or else sail out of the Caribbean Sea. That's what I've done." "But the men?" his lordship interposed in his level, cultured voice. "This hundred men that Wolverstone has taken with him?" "They are those of my crew who have no taste for King James's service, and have preferred to seek work of other kinds. It was in our compact, my lord, that there should be no constraining of my men." "I don't remember it," said his lordship, with sincerity. Blood looked at him in surprise. Then he shrugged. "Faith, I'm not to blame for your lordship's poor memory. I say that it was so; and I don't lie. I've never found it necessary. In any case ye couldn't have supposed that I should consent to anything different." And then the Deputy-Governor exploded. "You have given those damned rascals in Tortuga this warning so that they may escape! That is what you have done. That is how you abuse the commission that has saved your own neck!" Peter Blood considered him steadily, his face impassive. "I will remind you," he said at last, very quietly, "that the object in view was--leaving out of account your own appetites which, as every one knows, are just those of a hangman--to rid the Caribbean of buccaneers. Now, I've taken the most effective way of accomplishing that object. The knowledge that I've entered the King's service should in itself go far towards disbanding the fleet of which I was until lately the admiral." "I see!" sneered the Deputy-Governor malevolently. "And if it does not?" "It will be time enough then to consider what else is to be done." Lord Julian forestalled a fresh outburst on the part of Bishop. "It is possible," he said, "that my Lord Sunderland will be satisfied, provided that the solution is such as you promise." It was a courteous, conciliatory speech. Urged by friendliness towards Blood and understanding of the difficult position in which the buccaneer found himself, his lordship was disposed to take his stand upon the letter of his instructions. Therefore he now held out a friendly hand to help him over the latest and most difficult obstacle which Blood himself had enabled Bishop to place in the way of his redemption. Unfortunately the last person from whom Peter Blood desired assistance at that moment was this young nobleman, whom he regarded with the jaundiced eyes of jealousy. "Anyway," he answered, with a suggestion of defiance and more than a suggestion of a sneer, "it's the most ye should expect from me, and certainly it's the most ye'll get." His lordship frowned, and dabbed his lips with a handkerchief. "I don't think that I quite like the way you put it. Indeed, upon reflection, Captain Blood, I am sure that I do not." "I am sorry for that, so I am," said Blood impudently. "But there it is. I'm not on that account concerned to modify it." His lordship's pale eyes opened a little wider. Languidly he raised his eyebrows. "Ah!" he said. "You're a prodigiously uncivil fellow. You disappoint me, sir. I had formed the notion that you might be a gentleman." "And that's not your lordship's only mistake," Bishop cut in. "You made a worse when you gave him the King's commission, and so sheltered the rascal from the gallows I had prepared for him in Port Royal." "Aye--but the worst mistake of all in this matter of commissions," said Blood to his lordship, "was the one that trade this greasy slaver Deputy-Governor of Jamaica instead of its hangman, which is the office for which he's by nature fitted." "Captain Blood!" said his lordship sharply in reproof. "Upon my soul and honour, sir, you go much too far. You are...." But here Bishop interrupted him. He had heaved himself to his feet, at last, and was venting his fury in unprintable abuse. Captain Blood, who had also risen, stood apparently impassive, for the storm to spend itself. When at last this happened, he addressed himself quietly to Lord Julian, as if Colonel Bishop had not spoken. "Your lordship was about to say?" he asked, with challenging smoothness. But his lordship had by now recovered his habitual composure, and was again disposed to be conciliatory. He laughed and shrugged. "Faith! here's a deal of unnecessary heat," said he. "And God knows this plaguey climate provides enough of that. Perhaps, Colonel Bishop, you are a little uncompromising; and you, sir, are certainly a deal too peppery. I have said, speaking on behalf of my Lord Sunderland, that I am content to await the result of your experiment." But Bishop's fury had by now reached a stage in which it was not to be restrained. "Are you, indeed?" he roared. "Well, then, I am not. This is a matter in which your lordship must allow me to be the better judge. And, anyhow, I'll take the risk of acting on my own responsibility." Lord Julian abandoned the struggle. He smiled wearily, shrugged, and waved a hand in implied resignation. The Deputy-Governor stormed on. "Since my lord here has given you a commission, I can't regularly deal with you out of hand for piracy as you deserve. But you shall answer before a court-martial for your action in the matter of Wolverstone, and take the consequences." "I see," said Blood. "Now we come to it. And it's yourself as Deputy-Governor will preside over that same court-martial. So that ye can wipe off old scores by hanging me, it's little ye care how ye do it!" He laughed, and added: "Praemonitus, praemunitus." "What shall that mean?" quoth Lord Julian sharply. "I had imagined that your lordship would have had some education." He was at pains, you see, to be provocative. "It's not the literal meaning I am asking, sir," said Lord Julian, with frosty dignity. "I want to know what you desire me to understand?" "I'll leave your lordship guessing," said Blood. "And I'll be wishing ye both a very good day." He swept off his feathered hat, and made them a leg very elegantly. "Before you go," said Bishop, "and to save you from any idle rashness, I'll tell you that the Harbour-Master and the Commandant have their orders. You don't leave Port Royal, my fine gallows bird. Damme, I mean to provide you with permanent moorings here, in Execution Dock." Peter Blood stiffened, and his vivid blue

change

How many times the word 'change' appears in the text?

But what did I tell ye? Ye see, the young gentleman's under a misapprehension entirely. Perhaps it'll save broken bones if your lordship explains just who and what I am." Lord Julian advanced a step and bowed perfunctorily and rather disdainfully to that very disdainful but now dumbfounded officer. Pitt, who watched the scene from the quarter-deck rail, tells us that his lordship was as grave as a parson at a hanging. But I suspect this gravity for a mask under which Lord Julian was secretly amused. "I have the honour to inform you, sir," he said stiffly, "that Captain Blood holds a commission in the King's service under the seal of my Lord Sunderland, His Majesty's Secretary of State." Captain Calverley's face empurpled; his eyes bulged. The buccaneers in the background chuckled and crowed and swore among themselves in their relish of this comedy. For a long moment Calverley stared in silence at his lordship, observing the costly elegance of his dress, his air of calm assurance, and his cold, fastidious speech, all of which savoured distinctly of the great world to which he belonged. "And who the devil may you be?" he exploded at last. Colder still and more distant than ever grew his lordship's voice. "You're not very civil, sir, as I have already noticed. My name is Wade--Lord Julian Wade. I am His Majesty's envoy to these barbarous parts, and my Lord Sunderland's near kinsman. Colonel Bishop has been notified of my coming." The sudden change in Calverley's manner at Lord Julian's mention of his name showed that the notification had been received, and that he had knowledge of it. "I... I believe that he has," said Calverley, between doubt and suspicion. "That is: that he has been notified of the coming of Lord Julian Wade. But... but... aboard this ship...?" The officer made a gesture of helplessness, and, surrendering to his bewilderment, fell abruptly silent. "I was coming out on the Royal Mary...." "That is what we were advised." "But the Royal Mary fell a victim to a Spanish privateer, and I might never have arrived at all but for the gallantry of Captain Blood, who rescued me." Light broke upon the darkness of Calverley's mind. "I see. I understand." "I will take leave to doubt it." His lordship's tone abated nothing of its asperity. "But that can wait. If Captain Blood will show you his commission, perhaps that will set all doubts at rest, and we may proceed. I shall be glad to reach Port Royal." Captain Blood thrust a parchment under Calverley's bulging eyes. The officer scanned it, particularly the seals and signature. He stepped back, a baffled, impotent man. He bowed helplessly. "I must return to Colonel Bishop for my orders," he informed them. At that moment a lane was opened in the ranks of the men, and through this came Miss Bishop followed by her octoroon woman. Over his shoulder Captain Blood observed her approach. "Perhaps, since Colonel Bishop is with you, you will convey his niece to him. Miss Bishop was aboard the Royal Mary also, and I rescued her together with his lordship. She will be able to acquaint her uncle with the details of that and of the present state of affairs." Swept thus from surprise to surprise, Captain Calverley could do no more than bow again. "As for me," said Lord Julian, with intent to make Miss Bishop's departure free from all interference on the part of the buccaneers, "I shall remain aboard the Arabella until we reach Port Royal. My compliments to Colonel Bishop. Say that I look forward to making his acquaintance there." CHAPTER XXII. HOSTILITIES In the great harbour of Port Royal, spacious enough to have given moorings to all the ships of all the navies of the world, the Arabella rode at anchor. Almost she had the air of a prisoner, for a quarter of a mile ahead, to starboard, rose the lofty, massive single round tower of the fort, whilst a couple of cables'-length astern, and to larboard, rode the six men-of-war that composed the Jamaica squadron. Abeam with the Arabella, across the harbour, were the flat-fronted white buildings of that imposing city that came down to the very water's edge. Behind these the red roofs rose like terraces, marking the gentle slope upon which the city was built, dominated here by a turret, there by a spire, and behind these again a range of green hills with for ultimate background a sky that was like a dome of polished steel. On a cane day-bed that had been set for him on the quarter-deck, sheltered from the dazzling, blistering sunshine by an improvised awning of brown sailcloth, lounged Peter Blood, a calf-bound, well-thumbed copy of Horace's Odes neglected in his hands. From immediately below him came the swish of mops and the gurgle of water in the scuppers, for it was still early morning, and under the directions of Hayton, the bo'sun, the swabbers were at work in the waist and forecastle. Despite the heat and the stagnant air, one of the toilers found breath to croak a ribald buccaneering ditty: "For we laid her board and board, And we put her to the sword, And we sank her in the deep blue sea. So It's heigh-ho, and heave-a-ho! Who'll sail for the Main with me?" Blood fetched a sigh, and the ghost of a smile played over his lean, sun-tanned face. Then the black brows came together above the vivid blue eyes, and thought swiftly closed the door upon his immediate surroundings. Things had not sped at all well with him in the past fortnight since his acceptance of the King's commission. There had been trouble with Bishop from the moment of landing. As Blood and Lord Julian had stepped ashore together, they had been met by a man who took no pains to dissemble his chagrin at the turn of events and his determination to change it. He awaited them on the mole, supported by a group of officers. "You are Lord Julian Wade, I understand," was his truculent greeting. For Blood at the moment he had nothing beyond a malignant glance. Lord Julian bowed. "I take it I have the honour to address Colonel Bishop, Deputy-Governor of Jamaica." It was almost as if his lordship were giving the Colonel a lesson in deportment. The Colonel accepted it, and belatedly bowed, removing his broad hat. Then he plunged on. "You have granted, I am told, the King's commission to this man." His very tone betrayed the bitterness of his rancour. "Your motives were no doubt worthy... your gratitude to him for delivering you from the Spaniards. But the thing itself is unthinkable, my lord. The commission must be cancelled." "I don't think I understand," said Lord Julian distantly. "To be sure you don't, or you'd never ha' done it. The fellow's bubbled you. Why, he's first a rebel, then an escaped slave, and lastly a bloody pirate. I've been hunting him this year past." "I assure you, sir, that I was fully informed of all. I do not grant the King's commission lightly." "Don't you, by God! And what else do you call this? But as His Majesty's Deputy-Governor of Jamaica, I'll take leave to correct your mistake in my own way." "Ah! And what way may that be?" "There's a gallows waiting for this rascal in Port Royal." Blood would have intervened at that, but Lord Julian forestalled him. "I see, sir, that you do not yet quite apprehend the circumstances. If it is a mistake to grant Captain Blood a commission, the mistake is not mine. I am acting upon the instructions of my Lord Sunderland; and with a full knowledge of all the facts, his lordship expressly designated Captain Blood for this commission if Captain Blood could be persuaded to accept it." Colonel Bishop's mouth fell open in surprise and dismay. "Lord Sunderland designated him?" he asked, amazed. "Expressly." His lordship waited a moment for a reply. None coming from the speechless Deputy-Governor, he asked a question: "Would you still venture to describe the matter as a mistake, sir? And dare you take the risk of correcting it?" "I... I had not dreamed...." "I understand, sir. Let me present Captain Blood." Perforce Bishop must put on the best face he could command. But that it was no more than a mask for his fury and his venom was plain to all. From that unpromising beginning matters had not improved; rather had they grown worse. Blood's thoughts were upon this and other things as he lounged there on the day-bed. He had been a fortnight in Port Royal, his ship virtually a unit now in the Jamaica squadron. And when the news of it reached Tortuga and the buccaneers who awaited his return, the name of Captain Blood, which had stood so high among the Brethren of the Coast, would become a byword, a thing of execration, and before all was done his life might pay forfeit for what would be accounted a treacherous defection. And for what had he placed himself in this position? For the sake of a girl who avoided him so persistently and intentionally that he must assume that she still regarded him with aversion. He had scarcely been vouchsafed a glimpse of her in all this fortnight, although with that in view for his main object he had daily haunted her uncle's residence, and daily braved the unmasked hostility and baffled rancour in which Colonel Bishop held him. Nor was that the worst of it. He was allowed plainly to perceive that it was the graceful, elegant young trifler from St. James's, Lord Julian Wade, to whom her every moment was devoted. And what chance had he, a desperate adventurer with a record of outlawry, against such a rival as that, a man of parts, moreover, as he was bound to admit? You conceive the bitterness of his soul. He beheld himself to be as the dog in the fable that had dropped the substance to snatch at a delusive shadow. He sought comfort in a line on the open page before him: "levius fit patientia quicquid corrigere est nefas." Sought it, but hardly found it. A boat that had approached unnoticed from the shore came scraping and bumping against the great red hull of the Arabella, and a raucous voice sent up a hailing shout. From the ship's belfry two silvery notes rang clear and sharp, and a moment or two later the bo'sun's whistle shrilled a long wail. The sounds disturbed Captain Blood from his disgruntled musings. He rose, tall, active, and arrestingly elegant in a scarlet, gold-laced coat that advertised his new position, and slipping the slender volume into his pocket, advanced to the carved rail of the quarter-deck, just as Jeremy Pitt was setting foot upon the companion. "A note for you from the Deputy-Governor," said the master shortly, as he proffered a folded sheet. Blood broke the seal, and read. Pitt, loosely clad in shirt and breeches, leaned against the rail the while and watched him, unmistakable concern imprinted on his fair, frank countenance. Blood uttered a short laugh, and curled his lip. "It is a very peremptory summons," he said, and passed the note to his friend. The young master's grey eyes skimmed it. Thoughtfully he stroked his golden beard. "You'll not go?" he said, between question and assertion. "Why not? Haven't I been a daily visitor at the fort...?" "But it'll be about the Old Wolf that he wants to see you. It gives him a grievance at last. You know, Peter, that it is Lord Julian alone has stood between Bishop and his hate of you. If now he can show that...." "What if he can?" Blood interrupted carelessly. "Shall I be in greater danger ashore than aboard, now that we've but fifty men left, and they lukewarm rogues who would as soon serve the King as me? Jeremy, dear lad, the Arabella's a prisoner here, bedad, 'twixt the fort there and the fleet yonder. Don't be forgetting that." Jeremy clenched his hands. "Why did ye let Wolverstone and the others go?" he cried, with a touch of bitterness. "You should have seen the danger." "How could I in honesty have detained them? It was in the bargain. Besides, how could their staying have helped me?" And as Pitt did not answer him: "Ye see?" he said, and shrugged. "I'll be getting my hat and cane and sword, and go ashore in the cock-boat. See it manned for me." "Ye're going to deliver yourself into Bishop's hands," Pitt warned him. "Well, well, maybe he'll not find me quite so easy to grasp as he imagines. There's a thorn or two left on me." And with a laugh Blood departed to his cabin. Jeremy Pitt answered the laugh with an oath. A moment he stood irresolute where Blood had left him. Then slowly, reluctance dragging at his feet, he went down the companion to give the order for the cock-boat. "If anything should happen to you, Peter," he said, as Blood was going over the side, "Colonel Bishop had better look to himself. These fifty lads may be lukewarm at present, as you say, but--sink me!--they'll be anything but lukewarm if there's a breach of faith." "And what should be happening to me, Jeremy? Sure, now, I'll be back for dinner, so I will." Blood climbed down into the waiting boat. But laugh though he might, he knew as well as Pitt that in going ashore that morning he carried his life in his hands. Because of this, it may have been that when he stepped on to the narrow mole, in the shadow of the shallow outer wall of the fort through whose crenels were thrust the black noses of its heavy guns, he gave order that the boat should stay for him at that spot. He realized that he might have to retreat in a hurry. Walking leisurely, he skirted the embattled wall, and passed through the great gates into the courtyard. Half-a-dozen soldiers lounged there, and in the shadow cast by the wall, Major Mallard, the Commandant, was slowly pacing. He stopped short at sight of Captain Blood, and saluted him, as was his due, but the smile that lifted the officer's stiff mostachios was grimly sardonic. Peter Blood's attention, however, was elsewhere. On his right stretched a spacious garden, beyond which rose the white house that was the residence of the Deputy-Governor. In that garden's main avenue, that was fringed with palm and sandalwood, he had caught sight of Miss Bishop alone. He crossed the courtyard with suddenly lengthened stride. "Good-morning to ye, ma'am," was his greeting as he overtook her; and hat in hand now, he added on a note of protest: "Sure, it's nothing less than uncharitable to make me run in this heat." "Why do you run, then?" she asked him coolly, standing slim and straight before him, all in white and very maidenly save in her unnatural composure. "I am pressed," she informed him. "So you will forgive me if I do not stay." "You were none so pressed until I came," he protested, and if his thin lips smiled, his blue eyes were oddly hard. "Since you perceive it, sir, I wonder that you trouble to be so insistent." That crossed the swords between them, and it was against Blood's instincts to avoid an engagement. "Faith, you explain yourself after a fashion," said he. "But since it was more or less in your service that I donned the King's coat, you should suffer it to cover the thief and pirate." She shrugged and turned aside, in some resentment and some regret. Fearing to betray the latter, she took refuge in the former. "I do my best," said she. "So that ye can be charitable in some ways!" He laughed softly. "Glory be, now, I should be thankful for so much. Maybe I'm presumptuous. But I can't forget that when I was no better than a slave in your uncle's household in Barbados, ye used me with a certain kindness." "Why not? In those days you had some claim upon my kindness. You were just an unfortunate gentleman then." "And what else would you be calling me now?" "Hardly unfortunate. We have heard of your good fortune on the seas--how your luck has passed into a byword. And we have heard other things: of your good fortune in other directions." She spoke hastily, the thought of Mademoiselle d'Ogeron in her mind. And instantly would have recalled the words had she been able. But Peter Blood swept them lightly aside, reading into them none of her meaning, as she feared he would. "Aye--a deal of lies, devil a doubt, as I could prove to you." "I cannot think why you should trouble to put yourself on your defence," she discouraged him. "So that ye may think less badly of me than you do." "What I think of you can be a very little matter to you, sir." This was a disarming stroke. He abandoned combat for expostulation. "Can ye say that now? Can ye say that, beholding me in this livery of a service I despise? Didn't ye tell me that I might redeem the past? It's little enough I am concerned to redeem the past save only in your eyes. In my own I've done nothing at all that I am ashamed of, considering the provocation I received." Her glance faltered, and fell away before his own that was so intent. "I... I can't think why you should speak to me like this," she said, with less than her earlier assurance. "Ah, now, can't ye, indeed?" he cried. "Sure, then, I'll be telling ye." "Oh, please." There was real alarm in her voice. "I realize fully what you did, and I realize that partly, at least, you may have been urged by consideration for myself. Believe me, I am very grateful. I shall always be grateful." "But if it's also your intention always to think of me as a thief and a pirate, faith, ye may keep your gratitude for all the good it's like to do me." A livelier colour crept into her cheeks. There was a perceptible heave of the slight breast that faintly swelled the flimsy bodice of white silk. But if she resented his tone and his words, she stifled her resentment. She realized that perhaps she had, herself, provoked his anger. She honestly desired to make amends. "You are mistaken," she began. "It isn't that." But they were fated to misunderstand each other. Jealousy, that troubler of reason, had been over-busy with his wits as it had with hers. "What is it, then?" quoth he, and added the question: "Lord Julian?" She started, and stared at him blankly indignant now. "Och, be frank with me," he urged her, unpardonably. "'Twill be a kindness, so it will." For a moment she stood before him with quickened breathing, the colour ebbing and flowing in her cheeks. Then she looked past him, and tilted her chin forward. "You... you are quite insufferable," she said. "I beg that you will let me pass." He stepped aside, and with the broad feathered hat which he still held in his hand, he waved her on towards the house. "I'll not be detaining you any longer, ma'am. After all, the cursed thing I did for nothing can be undone. Ye'll remember afterwards that it was your hardness drove me." She moved to depart, then checked, and faced him again. It was she now who was on her defence, her voice quivering with indignation. "You take that tone! You dare to take that tone!" she cried, astounding him by her sudden vehemence. "You have the effrontery to upbraid me because I will not take your hands when I know how they are stained; when I know you for a murderer and worse?" He stared at her open-mouthed. "A murderer--I?" he said at last. "Must I name your victims? Did you not murder Levasseur?" "Levasseur?" He smiled a little. "So they've told you about that!" "Do you deny it?" "I killed him, it is true. I can remember killing another man in circumstances that were very similar. That was in Bridgetown on the night of the Spanish raid. Mary Traill would tell you of it. She was present." He clapped his hat on his head with a certain abrupt fierceness, and strode angrily away, before she could answer or even grasp the full significance of what he had said. CHAPTER XXIII. HOSTAGES Peter Blood stood in the pillared portico of Government House, and with unseeing eyes that were laden with pain and anger, stared out across the great harbour of Port Royal to the green hills rising from the farther shore and the ridge of the Blue Mountains beyond, showing hazily through the quivering heat. He was aroused by the return of the negro who had gone to announce him, and following now this slave, he made his way through the house to the wide piazza behind it, in whose shade Colonel Bishop and my Lord Julian Wade took what little air there was. "So ye've come," the Deputy-Governor hailed him, and followed the greeting by a series of grunts of vague but apparently ill-humoured import. He did not trouble to rise, not even when Lord Julian, obeying the instincts of finer breeding, set him the example. From under scowling brows the wealthy Barbados planter considered his sometime slave, who, hat in hand, leaning lightly upon his long beribboned cane, revealed nothing in his countenance of the anger which was being steadily nourished by this cavalier reception. At last, with scowling brow and in self-sufficient tones, Colonel Bishop delivered himself. "I have sent for you, Captain Blood, because of certain news that has just reached me. I am informed that yesterday evening a frigate left the harbour having on board your associate Wolverstone and a hundred men of the hundred and fifty that were serving under you. His lordship and I shall be glad to have your explanation of how you came to permit that departure." "Permit?" quoth Blood. "I ordered it." The answer left Bishop speechless for a moment. Then: "You ordered it?" he said in accents of unbelief, whilst Lord Julian raised his eyebrows. "'Swounds! Perhaps you'll explain yourself? Whither has Wolverstone gone?" "To Tortuga. He's gone with a message to the officers commanding the other four ships of the fleet that is awaiting me there, telling them what's happened and why they are no longer to expect me." Bishop's great face seemed to swell and its high colour to deepen. He swung to Lord Julian. "You hear that, my lord? Deliberately he has let Wolverstone loose upon the seas again--Wolverstone, the worst of all that gang of pirates after himself. I hope your lordship begins at last to perceive the folly of granting the King's commission to such a man as this against all my counsels. Why, this thing is... it's just mutiny... treason! By God! It's matter for a court-martial." "Will you cease your blather of mutiny and treason and courts-martial?" Blood put on his hat, and sat down unbidden. "I have sent Wolverstone to inform Hagthorpe and Christian and Yberville and the rest of my lads that they've one clear month in which to follow my example, quit piracy, and get back to their boucans or their logwood, or else sail out of the Caribbean Sea. That's what I've done." "But the men?" his lordship interposed in his level, cultured voice. "This hundred men that Wolverstone has taken with him?" "They are those of my crew who have no taste for King James's service, and have preferred to seek work of other kinds. It was in our compact, my lord, that there should be no constraining of my men." "I don't remember it," said his lordship, with sincerity. Blood looked at him in surprise. Then he shrugged. "Faith, I'm not to blame for your lordship's poor memory. I say that it was so; and I don't lie. I've never found it necessary. In any case ye couldn't have supposed that I should consent to anything different." And then the Deputy-Governor exploded. "You have given those damned rascals in Tortuga this warning so that they may escape! That is what you have done. That is how you abuse the commission that has saved your own neck!" Peter Blood considered him steadily, his face impassive. "I will remind you," he said at last, very quietly, "that the object in view was--leaving out of account your own appetites which, as every one knows, are just those of a hangman--to rid the Caribbean of buccaneers. Now, I've taken the most effective way of accomplishing that object. The knowledge that I've entered the King's service should in itself go far towards disbanding the fleet of which I was until lately the admiral." "I see!" sneered the Deputy-Governor malevolently. "And if it does not?" "It will be time enough then to consider what else is to be done." Lord Julian forestalled a fresh outburst on the part of Bishop. "It is possible," he said, "that my Lord Sunderland will be satisfied, provided that the solution is such as you promise." It was a courteous, conciliatory speech. Urged by friendliness towards Blood and understanding of the difficult position in which the buccaneer found himself, his lordship was disposed to take his stand upon the letter of his instructions. Therefore he now held out a friendly hand to help him over the latest and most difficult obstacle which Blood himself had enabled Bishop to place in the way of his redemption. Unfortunately the last person from whom Peter Blood desired assistance at that moment was this young nobleman, whom he regarded with the jaundiced eyes of jealousy. "Anyway," he answered, with a suggestion of defiance and more than a suggestion of a sneer, "it's the most ye should expect from me, and certainly it's the most ye'll get." His lordship frowned, and dabbed his lips with a handkerchief. "I don't think that I quite like the way you put it. Indeed, upon reflection, Captain Blood, I am sure that I do not." "I am sorry for that, so I am," said Blood impudently. "But there it is. I'm not on that account concerned to modify it." His lordship's pale eyes opened a little wider. Languidly he raised his eyebrows. "Ah!" he said. "You're a prodigiously uncivil fellow. You disappoint me, sir. I had formed the notion that you might be a gentleman." "And that's not your lordship's only mistake," Bishop cut in. "You made a worse when you gave him the King's commission, and so sheltered the rascal from the gallows I had prepared for him in Port Royal." "Aye--but the worst mistake of all in this matter of commissions," said Blood to his lordship, "was the one that trade this greasy slaver Deputy-Governor of Jamaica instead of its hangman, which is the office for which he's by nature fitted." "Captain Blood!" said his lordship sharply in reproof. "Upon my soul and honour, sir, you go much too far. You are...." But here Bishop interrupted him. He had heaved himself to his feet, at last, and was venting his fury in unprintable abuse. Captain Blood, who had also risen, stood apparently impassive, for the storm to spend itself. When at last this happened, he addressed himself quietly to Lord Julian, as if Colonel Bishop had not spoken. "Your lordship was about to say?" he asked, with challenging smoothness. But his lordship had by now recovered his habitual composure, and was again disposed to be conciliatory. He laughed and shrugged. "Faith! here's a deal of unnecessary heat," said he. "And God knows this plaguey climate provides enough of that. Perhaps, Colonel Bishop, you are a little uncompromising; and you, sir, are certainly a deal too peppery. I have said, speaking on behalf of my Lord Sunderland, that I am content to await the result of your experiment." But Bishop's fury had by now reached a stage in which it was not to be restrained. "Are you, indeed?" he roared. "Well, then, I am not. This is a matter in which your lordship must allow me to be the better judge. And, anyhow, I'll take the risk of acting on my own responsibility." Lord Julian abandoned the struggle. He smiled wearily, shrugged, and waved a hand in implied resignation. The Deputy-Governor stormed on. "Since my lord here has given you a commission, I can't regularly deal with you out of hand for piracy as you deserve. But you shall answer before a court-martial for your action in the matter of Wolverstone, and take the consequences." "I see," said Blood. "Now we come to it. And it's yourself as Deputy-Governor will preside over that same court-martial. So that ye can wipe off old scores by hanging me, it's little ye care how ye do it!" He laughed, and added: "Praemonitus, praemunitus." "What shall that mean?" quoth Lord Julian sharply. "I had imagined that your lordship would have had some education." He was at pains, you see, to be provocative. "It's not the literal meaning I am asking, sir," said Lord Julian, with frosty dignity. "I want to know what you desire me to understand?" "I'll leave your lordship guessing," said Blood. "And I'll be wishing ye both a very good day." He swept off his feathered hat, and made them a leg very elegantly. "Before you go," said Bishop, "and to save you from any idle rashness, I'll tell you that the Harbour-Master and the Commandant have their orders. You don't leave Port Royal, my fine gallows bird. Damme, I mean to provide you with permanent moorings here, in Execution Dock." Peter Blood stiffened, and his vivid blue

entirely

How many times the word 'entirely' appears in the text?

But what did I tell ye? Ye see, the young gentleman's under a misapprehension entirely. Perhaps it'll save broken bones if your lordship explains just who and what I am." Lord Julian advanced a step and bowed perfunctorily and rather disdainfully to that very disdainful but now dumbfounded officer. Pitt, who watched the scene from the quarter-deck rail, tells us that his lordship was as grave as a parson at a hanging. But I suspect this gravity for a mask under which Lord Julian was secretly amused. "I have the honour to inform you, sir," he said stiffly, "that Captain Blood holds a commission in the King's service under the seal of my Lord Sunderland, His Majesty's Secretary of State." Captain Calverley's face empurpled; his eyes bulged. The buccaneers in the background chuckled and crowed and swore among themselves in their relish of this comedy. For a long moment Calverley stared in silence at his lordship, observing the costly elegance of his dress, his air of calm assurance, and his cold, fastidious speech, all of which savoured distinctly of the great world to which he belonged. "And who the devil may you be?" he exploded at last. Colder still and more distant than ever grew his lordship's voice. "You're not very civil, sir, as I have already noticed. My name is Wade--Lord Julian Wade. I am His Majesty's envoy to these barbarous parts, and my Lord Sunderland's near kinsman. Colonel Bishop has been notified of my coming." The sudden change in Calverley's manner at Lord Julian's mention of his name showed that the notification had been received, and that he had knowledge of it. "I... I believe that he has," said Calverley, between doubt and suspicion. "That is: that he has been notified of the coming of Lord Julian Wade. But... but... aboard this ship...?" The officer made a gesture of helplessness, and, surrendering to his bewilderment, fell abruptly silent. "I was coming out on the Royal Mary...." "That is what we were advised." "But the Royal Mary fell a victim to a Spanish privateer, and I might never have arrived at all but for the gallantry of Captain Blood, who rescued me." Light broke upon the darkness of Calverley's mind. "I see. I understand." "I will take leave to doubt it." His lordship's tone abated nothing of its asperity. "But that can wait. If Captain Blood will show you his commission, perhaps that will set all doubts at rest, and we may proceed. I shall be glad to reach Port Royal." Captain Blood thrust a parchment under Calverley's bulging eyes. The officer scanned it, particularly the seals and signature. He stepped back, a baffled, impotent man. He bowed helplessly. "I must return to Colonel Bishop for my orders," he informed them. At that moment a lane was opened in the ranks of the men, and through this came Miss Bishop followed by her octoroon woman. Over his shoulder Captain Blood observed her approach. "Perhaps, since Colonel Bishop is with you, you will convey his niece to him. Miss Bishop was aboard the Royal Mary also, and I rescued her together with his lordship. She will be able to acquaint her uncle with the details of that and of the present state of affairs." Swept thus from surprise to surprise, Captain Calverley could do no more than bow again. "As for me," said Lord Julian, with intent to make Miss Bishop's departure free from all interference on the part of the buccaneers, "I shall remain aboard the Arabella until we reach Port Royal. My compliments to Colonel Bishop. Say that I look forward to making his acquaintance there." CHAPTER XXII. HOSTILITIES In the great harbour of Port Royal, spacious enough to have given moorings to all the ships of all the navies of the world, the Arabella rode at anchor. Almost she had the air of a prisoner, for a quarter of a mile ahead, to starboard, rose the lofty, massive single round tower of the fort, whilst a couple of cables'-length astern, and to larboard, rode the six men-of-war that composed the Jamaica squadron. Abeam with the Arabella, across the harbour, were the flat-fronted white buildings of that imposing city that came down to the very water's edge. Behind these the red roofs rose like terraces, marking the gentle slope upon which the city was built, dominated here by a turret, there by a spire, and behind these again a range of green hills with for ultimate background a sky that was like a dome of polished steel. On a cane day-bed that had been set for him on the quarter-deck, sheltered from the dazzling, blistering sunshine by an improvised awning of brown sailcloth, lounged Peter Blood, a calf-bound, well-thumbed copy of Horace's Odes neglected in his hands. From immediately below him came the swish of mops and the gurgle of water in the scuppers, for it was still early morning, and under the directions of Hayton, the bo'sun, the swabbers were at work in the waist and forecastle. Despite the heat and the stagnant air, one of the toilers found breath to croak a ribald buccaneering ditty: "For we laid her board and board, And we put her to the sword, And we sank her in the deep blue sea. So It's heigh-ho, and heave-a-ho! Who'll sail for the Main with me?" Blood fetched a sigh, and the ghost of a smile played over his lean, sun-tanned face. Then the black brows came together above the vivid blue eyes, and thought swiftly closed the door upon his immediate surroundings. Things had not sped at all well with him in the past fortnight since his acceptance of the King's commission. There had been trouble with Bishop from the moment of landing. As Blood and Lord Julian had stepped ashore together, they had been met by a man who took no pains to dissemble his chagrin at the turn of events and his determination to change it. He awaited them on the mole, supported by a group of officers. "You are Lord Julian Wade, I understand," was his truculent greeting. For Blood at the moment he had nothing beyond a malignant glance. Lord Julian bowed. "I take it I have the honour to address Colonel Bishop, Deputy-Governor of Jamaica." It was almost as if his lordship were giving the Colonel a lesson in deportment. The Colonel accepted it, and belatedly bowed, removing his broad hat. Then he plunged on. "You have granted, I am told, the King's commission to this man." His very tone betrayed the bitterness of his rancour. "Your motives were no doubt worthy... your gratitude to him for delivering you from the Spaniards. But the thing itself is unthinkable, my lord. The commission must be cancelled." "I don't think I understand," said Lord Julian distantly. "To be sure you don't, or you'd never ha' done it. The fellow's bubbled you. Why, he's first a rebel, then an escaped slave, and lastly a bloody pirate. I've been hunting him this year past." "I assure you, sir, that I was fully informed of all. I do not grant the King's commission lightly." "Don't you, by God! And what else do you call this? But as His Majesty's Deputy-Governor of Jamaica, I'll take leave to correct your mistake in my own way." "Ah! And what way may that be?" "There's a gallows waiting for this rascal in Port Royal." Blood would have intervened at that, but Lord Julian forestalled him. "I see, sir, that you do not yet quite apprehend the circumstances. If it is a mistake to grant Captain Blood a commission, the mistake is not mine. I am acting upon the instructions of my Lord Sunderland; and with a full knowledge of all the facts, his lordship expressly designated Captain Blood for this commission if Captain Blood could be persuaded to accept it." Colonel Bishop's mouth fell open in surprise and dismay. "Lord Sunderland designated him?" he asked, amazed. "Expressly." His lordship waited a moment for a reply. None coming from the speechless Deputy-Governor, he asked a question: "Would you still venture to describe the matter as a mistake, sir? And dare you take the risk of correcting it?" "I... I had not dreamed...." "I understand, sir. Let me present Captain Blood." Perforce Bishop must put on the best face he could command. But that it was no more than a mask for his fury and his venom was plain to all. From that unpromising beginning matters had not improved; rather had they grown worse. Blood's thoughts were upon this and other things as he lounged there on the day-bed. He had been a fortnight in Port Royal, his ship virtually a unit now in the Jamaica squadron. And when the news of it reached Tortuga and the buccaneers who awaited his return, the name of Captain Blood, which had stood so high among the Brethren of the Coast, would become a byword, a thing of execration, and before all was done his life might pay forfeit for what would be accounted a treacherous defection. And for what had he placed himself in this position? For the sake of a girl who avoided him so persistently and intentionally that he must assume that she still regarded him with aversion. He had scarcely been vouchsafed a glimpse of her in all this fortnight, although with that in view for his main object he had daily haunted her uncle's residence, and daily braved the unmasked hostility and baffled rancour in which Colonel Bishop held him. Nor was that the worst of it. He was allowed plainly to perceive that it was the graceful, elegant young trifler from St. James's, Lord Julian Wade, to whom her every moment was devoted. And what chance had he, a desperate adventurer with a record of outlawry, against such a rival as that, a man of parts, moreover, as he was bound to admit? You conceive the bitterness of his soul. He beheld himself to be as the dog in the fable that had dropped the substance to snatch at a delusive shadow. He sought comfort in a line on the open page before him: "levius fit patientia quicquid corrigere est nefas." Sought it, but hardly found it. A boat that had approached unnoticed from the shore came scraping and bumping against the great red hull of the Arabella, and a raucous voice sent up a hailing shout. From the ship's belfry two silvery notes rang clear and sharp, and a moment or two later the bo'sun's whistle shrilled a long wail. The sounds disturbed Captain Blood from his disgruntled musings. He rose, tall, active, and arrestingly elegant in a scarlet, gold-laced coat that advertised his new position, and slipping the slender volume into his pocket, advanced to the carved rail of the quarter-deck, just as Jeremy Pitt was setting foot upon the companion. "A note for you from the Deputy-Governor," said the master shortly, as he proffered a folded sheet. Blood broke the seal, and read. Pitt, loosely clad in shirt and breeches, leaned against the rail the while and watched him, unmistakable concern imprinted on his fair, frank countenance. Blood uttered a short laugh, and curled his lip. "It is a very peremptory summons," he said, and passed the note to his friend. The young master's grey eyes skimmed it. Thoughtfully he stroked his golden beard. "You'll not go?" he said, between question and assertion. "Why not? Haven't I been a daily visitor at the fort...?" "But it'll be about the Old Wolf that he wants to see you. It gives him a grievance at last. You know, Peter, that it is Lord Julian alone has stood between Bishop and his hate of you. If now he can show that...." "What if he can?" Blood interrupted carelessly. "Shall I be in greater danger ashore than aboard, now that we've but fifty men left, and they lukewarm rogues who would as soon serve the King as me? Jeremy, dear lad, the Arabella's a prisoner here, bedad, 'twixt the fort there and the fleet yonder. Don't be forgetting that." Jeremy clenched his hands. "Why did ye let Wolverstone and the others go?" he cried, with a touch of bitterness. "You should have seen the danger." "How could I in honesty have detained them? It was in the bargain. Besides, how could their staying have helped me?" And as Pitt did not answer him: "Ye see?" he said, and shrugged. "I'll be getting my hat and cane and sword, and go ashore in the cock-boat. See it manned for me." "Ye're going to deliver yourself into Bishop's hands," Pitt warned him. "Well, well, maybe he'll not find me quite so easy to grasp as he imagines. There's a thorn or two left on me." And with a laugh Blood departed to his cabin. Jeremy Pitt answered the laugh with an oath. A moment he stood irresolute where Blood had left him. Then slowly, reluctance dragging at his feet, he went down the companion to give the order for the cock-boat. "If anything should happen to you, Peter," he said, as Blood was going over the side, "Colonel Bishop had better look to himself. These fifty lads may be lukewarm at present, as you say, but--sink me!--they'll be anything but lukewarm if there's a breach of faith." "And what should be happening to me, Jeremy? Sure, now, I'll be back for dinner, so I will." Blood climbed down into the waiting boat. But laugh though he might, he knew as well as Pitt that in going ashore that morning he carried his life in his hands. Because of this, it may have been that when he stepped on to the narrow mole, in the shadow of the shallow outer wall of the fort through whose crenels were thrust the black noses of its heavy guns, he gave order that the boat should stay for him at that spot. He realized that he might have to retreat in a hurry. Walking leisurely, he skirted the embattled wall, and passed through the great gates into the courtyard. Half-a-dozen soldiers lounged there, and in the shadow cast by the wall, Major Mallard, the Commandant, was slowly pacing. He stopped short at sight of Captain Blood, and saluted him, as was his due, but the smile that lifted the officer's stiff mostachios was grimly sardonic. Peter Blood's attention, however, was elsewhere. On his right stretched a spacious garden, beyond which rose the white house that was the residence of the Deputy-Governor. In that garden's main avenue, that was fringed with palm and sandalwood, he had caught sight of Miss Bishop alone. He crossed the courtyard with suddenly lengthened stride. "Good-morning to ye, ma'am," was his greeting as he overtook her; and hat in hand now, he added on a note of protest: "Sure, it's nothing less than uncharitable to make me run in this heat." "Why do you run, then?" she asked him coolly, standing slim and straight before him, all in white and very maidenly save in her unnatural composure. "I am pressed," she informed him. "So you will forgive me if I do not stay." "You were none so pressed until I came," he protested, and if his thin lips smiled, his blue eyes were oddly hard. "Since you perceive it, sir, I wonder that you trouble to be so insistent." That crossed the swords between them, and it was against Blood's instincts to avoid an engagement. "Faith, you explain yourself after a fashion," said he. "But since it was more or less in your service that I donned the King's coat, you should suffer it to cover the thief and pirate." She shrugged and turned aside, in some resentment and some regret. Fearing to betray the latter, she took refuge in the former. "I do my best," said she. "So that ye can be charitable in some ways!" He laughed softly. "Glory be, now, I should be thankful for so much. Maybe I'm presumptuous. But I can't forget that when I was no better than a slave in your uncle's household in Barbados, ye used me with a certain kindness." "Why not? In those days you had some claim upon my kindness. You were just an unfortunate gentleman then." "And what else would you be calling me now?" "Hardly unfortunate. We have heard of your good fortune on the seas--how your luck has passed into a byword. And we have heard other things: of your good fortune in other directions." She spoke hastily, the thought of Mademoiselle d'Ogeron in her mind. And instantly would have recalled the words had she been able. But Peter Blood swept them lightly aside, reading into them none of her meaning, as she feared he would. "Aye--a deal of lies, devil a doubt, as I could prove to you." "I cannot think why you should trouble to put yourself on your defence," she discouraged him. "So that ye may think less badly of me than you do." "What I think of you can be a very little matter to you, sir." This was a disarming stroke. He abandoned combat for expostulation. "Can ye say that now? Can ye say that, beholding me in this livery of a service I despise? Didn't ye tell me that I might redeem the past? It's little enough I am concerned to redeem the past save only in your eyes. In my own I've done nothing at all that I am ashamed of, considering the provocation I received." Her glance faltered, and fell away before his own that was so intent. "I... I can't think why you should speak to me like this," she said, with less than her earlier assurance. "Ah, now, can't ye, indeed?" he cried. "Sure, then, I'll be telling ye." "Oh, please." There was real alarm in her voice. "I realize fully what you did, and I realize that partly, at least, you may have been urged by consideration for myself. Believe me, I am very grateful. I shall always be grateful." "But if it's also your intention always to think of me as a thief and a pirate, faith, ye may keep your gratitude for all the good it's like to do me." A livelier colour crept into her cheeks. There was a perceptible heave of the slight breast that faintly swelled the flimsy bodice of white silk. But if she resented his tone and his words, she stifled her resentment. She realized that perhaps she had, herself, provoked his anger. She honestly desired to make amends. "You are mistaken," she began. "It isn't that." But they were fated to misunderstand each other. Jealousy, that troubler of reason, had been over-busy with his wits as it had with hers. "What is it, then?" quoth he, and added the question: "Lord Julian?" She started, and stared at him blankly indignant now. "Och, be frank with me," he urged her, unpardonably. "'Twill be a kindness, so it will." For a moment she stood before him with quickened breathing, the colour ebbing and flowing in her cheeks. Then she looked past him, and tilted her chin forward. "You... you are quite insufferable," she said. "I beg that you will let me pass." He stepped aside, and with the broad feathered hat which he still held in his hand, he waved her on towards the house. "I'll not be detaining you any longer, ma'am. After all, the cursed thing I did for nothing can be undone. Ye'll remember afterwards that it was your hardness drove me." She moved to depart, then checked, and faced him again. It was she now who was on her defence, her voice quivering with indignation. "You take that tone! You dare to take that tone!" she cried, astounding him by her sudden vehemence. "You have the effrontery to upbraid me because I will not take your hands when I know how they are stained; when I know you for a murderer and worse?" He stared at her open-mouthed. "A murderer--I?" he said at last. "Must I name your victims? Did you not murder Levasseur?" "Levasseur?" He smiled a little. "So they've told you about that!" "Do you deny it?" "I killed him, it is true. I can remember killing another man in circumstances that were very similar. That was in Bridgetown on the night of the Spanish raid. Mary Traill would tell you of it. She was present." He clapped his hat on his head with a certain abrupt fierceness, and strode angrily away, before she could answer or even grasp the full significance of what he had said. CHAPTER XXIII. HOSTAGES Peter Blood stood in the pillared portico of Government House, and with unseeing eyes that were laden with pain and anger, stared out across the great harbour of Port Royal to the green hills rising from the farther shore and the ridge of the Blue Mountains beyond, showing hazily through the quivering heat. He was aroused by the return of the negro who had gone to announce him, and following now this slave, he made his way through the house to the wide piazza behind it, in whose shade Colonel Bishop and my Lord Julian Wade took what little air there was. "So ye've come," the Deputy-Governor hailed him, and followed the greeting by a series of grunts of vague but apparently ill-humoured import. He did not trouble to rise, not even when Lord Julian, obeying the instincts of finer breeding, set him the example. From under scowling brows the wealthy Barbados planter considered his sometime slave, who, hat in hand, leaning lightly upon his long beribboned cane, revealed nothing in his countenance of the anger which was being steadily nourished by this cavalier reception. At last, with scowling brow and in self-sufficient tones, Colonel Bishop delivered himself. "I have sent for you, Captain Blood, because of certain news that has just reached me. I am informed that yesterday evening a frigate left the harbour having on board your associate Wolverstone and a hundred men of the hundred and fifty that were serving under you. His lordship and I shall be glad to have your explanation of how you came to permit that departure." "Permit?" quoth Blood. "I ordered it." The answer left Bishop speechless for a moment. Then: "You ordered it?" he said in accents of unbelief, whilst Lord Julian raised his eyebrows. "'Swounds! Perhaps you'll explain yourself? Whither has Wolverstone gone?" "To Tortuga. He's gone with a message to the officers commanding the other four ships of the fleet that is awaiting me there, telling them what's happened and why they are no longer to expect me." Bishop's great face seemed to swell and its high colour to deepen. He swung to Lord Julian. "You hear that, my lord? Deliberately he has let Wolverstone loose upon the seas again--Wolverstone, the worst of all that gang of pirates after himself. I hope your lordship begins at last to perceive the folly of granting the King's commission to such a man as this against all my counsels. Why, this thing is... it's just mutiny... treason! By God! It's matter for a court-martial." "Will you cease your blather of mutiny and treason and courts-martial?" Blood put on his hat, and sat down unbidden. "I have sent Wolverstone to inform Hagthorpe and Christian and Yberville and the rest of my lads that they've one clear month in which to follow my example, quit piracy, and get back to their boucans or their logwood, or else sail out of the Caribbean Sea. That's what I've done." "But the men?" his lordship interposed in his level, cultured voice. "This hundred men that Wolverstone has taken with him?" "They are those of my crew who have no taste for King James's service, and have preferred to seek work of other kinds. It was in our compact, my lord, that there should be no constraining of my men." "I don't remember it," said his lordship, with sincerity. Blood looked at him in surprise. Then he shrugged. "Faith, I'm not to blame for your lordship's poor memory. I say that it was so; and I don't lie. I've never found it necessary. In any case ye couldn't have supposed that I should consent to anything different." And then the Deputy-Governor exploded. "You have given those damned rascals in Tortuga this warning so that they may escape! That is what you have done. That is how you abuse the commission that has saved your own neck!" Peter Blood considered him steadily, his face impassive. "I will remind you," he said at last, very quietly, "that the object in view was--leaving out of account your own appetites which, as every one knows, are just those of a hangman--to rid the Caribbean of buccaneers. Now, I've taken the most effective way of accomplishing that object. The knowledge that I've entered the King's service should in itself go far towards disbanding the fleet of which I was until lately the admiral." "I see!" sneered the Deputy-Governor malevolently. "And if it does not?" "It will be time enough then to consider what else is to be done." Lord Julian forestalled a fresh outburst on the part of Bishop. "It is possible," he said, "that my Lord Sunderland will be satisfied, provided that the solution is such as you promise." It was a courteous, conciliatory speech. Urged by friendliness towards Blood and understanding of the difficult position in which the buccaneer found himself, his lordship was disposed to take his stand upon the letter of his instructions. Therefore he now held out a friendly hand to help him over the latest and most difficult obstacle which Blood himself had enabled Bishop to place in the way of his redemption. Unfortunately the last person from whom Peter Blood desired assistance at that moment was this young nobleman, whom he regarded with the jaundiced eyes of jealousy. "Anyway," he answered, with a suggestion of defiance and more than a suggestion of a sneer, "it's the most ye should expect from me, and certainly it's the most ye'll get." His lordship frowned, and dabbed his lips with a handkerchief. "I don't think that I quite like the way you put it. Indeed, upon reflection, Captain Blood, I am sure that I do not." "I am sorry for that, so I am," said Blood impudently. "But there it is. I'm not on that account concerned to modify it." His lordship's pale eyes opened a little wider. Languidly he raised his eyebrows. "Ah!" he said. "You're a prodigiously uncivil fellow. You disappoint me, sir. I had formed the notion that you might be a gentleman." "And that's not your lordship's only mistake," Bishop cut in. "You made a worse when you gave him the King's commission, and so sheltered the rascal from the gallows I had prepared for him in Port Royal." "Aye--but the worst mistake of all in this matter of commissions," said Blood to his lordship, "was the one that trade this greasy slaver Deputy-Governor of Jamaica instead of its hangman, which is the office for which he's by nature fitted." "Captain Blood!" said his lordship sharply in reproof. "Upon my soul and honour, sir, you go much too far. You are...." But here Bishop interrupted him. He had heaved himself to his feet, at last, and was venting his fury in unprintable abuse. Captain Blood, who had also risen, stood apparently impassive, for the storm to spend itself. When at last this happened, he addressed himself quietly to Lord Julian, as if Colonel Bishop had not spoken. "Your lordship was about to say?" he asked, with challenging smoothness. But his lordship had by now recovered his habitual composure, and was again disposed to be conciliatory. He laughed and shrugged. "Faith! here's a deal of unnecessary heat," said he. "And God knows this plaguey climate provides enough of that. Perhaps, Colonel Bishop, you are a little uncompromising; and you, sir, are certainly a deal too peppery. I have said, speaking on behalf of my Lord Sunderland, that I am content to await the result of your experiment." But Bishop's fury had by now reached a stage in which it was not to be restrained. "Are you, indeed?" he roared. "Well, then, I am not. This is a matter in which your lordship must allow me to be the better judge. And, anyhow, I'll take the risk of acting on my own responsibility." Lord Julian abandoned the struggle. He smiled wearily, shrugged, and waved a hand in implied resignation. The Deputy-Governor stormed on. "Since my lord here has given you a commission, I can't regularly deal with you out of hand for piracy as you deserve. But you shall answer before a court-martial for your action in the matter of Wolverstone, and take the consequences." "I see," said Blood. "Now we come to it. And it's yourself as Deputy-Governor will preside over that same court-martial. So that ye can wipe off old scores by hanging me, it's little ye care how ye do it!" He laughed, and added: "Praemonitus, praemunitus." "What shall that mean?" quoth Lord Julian sharply. "I had imagined that your lordship would have had some education." He was at pains, you see, to be provocative. "It's not the literal meaning I am asking, sir," said Lord Julian, with frosty dignity. "I want to know what you desire me to understand?" "I'll leave your lordship guessing," said Blood. "And I'll be wishing ye both a very good day." He swept off his feathered hat, and made them a leg very elegantly. "Before you go," said Bishop, "and to save you from any idle rashness, I'll tell you that the Harbour-Master and the Commandant have their orders. You don't leave Port Royal, my fine gallows bird. Damme, I mean to provide you with permanent moorings here, in Execution Dock." Peter Blood stiffened, and his vivid blue

ship

How many times the word 'ship' appears in the text?

But what did I tell ye? Ye see, the young gentleman's under a misapprehension entirely. Perhaps it'll save broken bones if your lordship explains just who and what I am." Lord Julian advanced a step and bowed perfunctorily and rather disdainfully to that very disdainful but now dumbfounded officer. Pitt, who watched the scene from the quarter-deck rail, tells us that his lordship was as grave as a parson at a hanging. But I suspect this gravity for a mask under which Lord Julian was secretly amused. "I have the honour to inform you, sir," he said stiffly, "that Captain Blood holds a commission in the King's service under the seal of my Lord Sunderland, His Majesty's Secretary of State." Captain Calverley's face empurpled; his eyes bulged. The buccaneers in the background chuckled and crowed and swore among themselves in their relish of this comedy. For a long moment Calverley stared in silence at his lordship, observing the costly elegance of his dress, his air of calm assurance, and his cold, fastidious speech, all of which savoured distinctly of the great world to which he belonged. "And who the devil may you be?" he exploded at last. Colder still and more distant than ever grew his lordship's voice. "You're not very civil, sir, as I have already noticed. My name is Wade--Lord Julian Wade. I am His Majesty's envoy to these barbarous parts, and my Lord Sunderland's near kinsman. Colonel Bishop has been notified of my coming." The sudden change in Calverley's manner at Lord Julian's mention of his name showed that the notification had been received, and that he had knowledge of it. "I... I believe that he has," said Calverley, between doubt and suspicion. "That is: that he has been notified of the coming of Lord Julian Wade. But... but... aboard this ship...?" The officer made a gesture of helplessness, and, surrendering to his bewilderment, fell abruptly silent. "I was coming out on the Royal Mary...." "That is what we were advised." "But the Royal Mary fell a victim to a Spanish privateer, and I might never have arrived at all but for the gallantry of Captain Blood, who rescued me." Light broke upon the darkness of Calverley's mind. "I see. I understand." "I will take leave to doubt it." His lordship's tone abated nothing of its asperity. "But that can wait. If Captain Blood will show you his commission, perhaps that will set all doubts at rest, and we may proceed. I shall be glad to reach Port Royal." Captain Blood thrust a parchment under Calverley's bulging eyes. The officer scanned it, particularly the seals and signature. He stepped back, a baffled, impotent man. He bowed helplessly. "I must return to Colonel Bishop for my orders," he informed them. At that moment a lane was opened in the ranks of the men, and through this came Miss Bishop followed by her octoroon woman. Over his shoulder Captain Blood observed her approach. "Perhaps, since Colonel Bishop is with you, you will convey his niece to him. Miss Bishop was aboard the Royal Mary also, and I rescued her together with his lordship. She will be able to acquaint her uncle with the details of that and of the present state of affairs." Swept thus from surprise to surprise, Captain Calverley could do no more than bow again. "As for me," said Lord Julian, with intent to make Miss Bishop's departure free from all interference on the part of the buccaneers, "I shall remain aboard the Arabella until we reach Port Royal. My compliments to Colonel Bishop. Say that I look forward to making his acquaintance there." CHAPTER XXII. HOSTILITIES In the great harbour of Port Royal, spacious enough to have given moorings to all the ships of all the navies of the world, the Arabella rode at anchor. Almost she had the air of a prisoner, for a quarter of a mile ahead, to starboard, rose the lofty, massive single round tower of the fort, whilst a couple of cables'-length astern, and to larboard, rode the six men-of-war that composed the Jamaica squadron. Abeam with the Arabella, across the harbour, were the flat-fronted white buildings of that imposing city that came down to the very water's edge. Behind these the red roofs rose like terraces, marking the gentle slope upon which the city was built, dominated here by a turret, there by a spire, and behind these again a range of green hills with for ultimate background a sky that was like a dome of polished steel. On a cane day-bed that had been set for him on the quarter-deck, sheltered from the dazzling, blistering sunshine by an improvised awning of brown sailcloth, lounged Peter Blood, a calf-bound, well-thumbed copy of Horace's Odes neglected in his hands. From immediately below him came the swish of mops and the gurgle of water in the scuppers, for it was still early morning, and under the directions of Hayton, the bo'sun, the swabbers were at work in the waist and forecastle. Despite the heat and the stagnant air, one of the toilers found breath to croak a ribald buccaneering ditty: "For we laid her board and board, And we put her to the sword, And we sank her in the deep blue sea. So It's heigh-ho, and heave-a-ho! Who'll sail for the Main with me?" Blood fetched a sigh, and the ghost of a smile played over his lean, sun-tanned face. Then the black brows came together above the vivid blue eyes, and thought swiftly closed the door upon his immediate surroundings. Things had not sped at all well with him in the past fortnight since his acceptance of the King's commission. There had been trouble with Bishop from the moment of landing. As Blood and Lord Julian had stepped ashore together, they had been met by a man who took no pains to dissemble his chagrin at the turn of events and his determination to change it. He awaited them on the mole, supported by a group of officers. "You are Lord Julian Wade, I understand," was his truculent greeting. For Blood at the moment he had nothing beyond a malignant glance. Lord Julian bowed. "I take it I have the honour to address Colonel Bishop, Deputy-Governor of Jamaica." It was almost as if his lordship were giving the Colonel a lesson in deportment. The Colonel accepted it, and belatedly bowed, removing his broad hat. Then he plunged on. "You have granted, I am told, the King's commission to this man." His very tone betrayed the bitterness of his rancour. "Your motives were no doubt worthy... your gratitude to him for delivering you from the Spaniards. But the thing itself is unthinkable, my lord. The commission must be cancelled." "I don't think I understand," said Lord Julian distantly. "To be sure you don't, or you'd never ha' done it. The fellow's bubbled you. Why, he's first a rebel, then an escaped slave, and lastly a bloody pirate. I've been hunting him this year past." "I assure you, sir, that I was fully informed of all. I do not grant the King's commission lightly." "Don't you, by God! And what else do you call this? But as His Majesty's Deputy-Governor of Jamaica, I'll take leave to correct your mistake in my own way." "Ah! And what way may that be?" "There's a gallows waiting for this rascal in Port Royal." Blood would have intervened at that, but Lord Julian forestalled him. "I see, sir, that you do not yet quite apprehend the circumstances. If it is a mistake to grant Captain Blood a commission, the mistake is not mine. I am acting upon the instructions of my Lord Sunderland; and with a full knowledge of all the facts, his lordship expressly designated Captain Blood for this commission if Captain Blood could be persuaded to accept it." Colonel Bishop's mouth fell open in surprise and dismay. "Lord Sunderland designated him?" he asked, amazed. "Expressly." His lordship waited a moment for a reply. None coming from the speechless Deputy-Governor, he asked a question: "Would you still venture to describe the matter as a mistake, sir? And dare you take the risk of correcting it?" "I... I had not dreamed...." "I understand, sir. Let me present Captain Blood." Perforce Bishop must put on the best face he could command. But that it was no more than a mask for his fury and his venom was plain to all. From that unpromising beginning matters had not improved; rather had they grown worse. Blood's thoughts were upon this and other things as he lounged there on the day-bed. He had been a fortnight in Port Royal, his ship virtually a unit now in the Jamaica squadron. And when the news of it reached Tortuga and the buccaneers who awaited his return, the name of Captain Blood, which had stood so high among the Brethren of the Coast, would become a byword, a thing of execration, and before all was done his life might pay forfeit for what would be accounted a treacherous defection. And for what had he placed himself in this position? For the sake of a girl who avoided him so persistently and intentionally that he must assume that she still regarded him with aversion. He had scarcely been vouchsafed a glimpse of her in all this fortnight, although with that in view for his main object he had daily haunted her uncle's residence, and daily braved the unmasked hostility and baffled rancour in which Colonel Bishop held him. Nor was that the worst of it. He was allowed plainly to perceive that it was the graceful, elegant young trifler from St. James's, Lord Julian Wade, to whom her every moment was devoted. And what chance had he, a desperate adventurer with a record of outlawry, against such a rival as that, a man of parts, moreover, as he was bound to admit? You conceive the bitterness of his soul. He beheld himself to be as the dog in the fable that had dropped the substance to snatch at a delusive shadow. He sought comfort in a line on the open page before him: "levius fit patientia quicquid corrigere est nefas." Sought it, but hardly found it. A boat that had approached unnoticed from the shore came scraping and bumping against the great red hull of the Arabella, and a raucous voice sent up a hailing shout. From the ship's belfry two silvery notes rang clear and sharp, and a moment or two later the bo'sun's whistle shrilled a long wail. The sounds disturbed Captain Blood from his disgruntled musings. He rose, tall, active, and arrestingly elegant in a scarlet, gold-laced coat that advertised his new position, and slipping the slender volume into his pocket, advanced to the carved rail of the quarter-deck, just as Jeremy Pitt was setting foot upon the companion. "A note for you from the Deputy-Governor," said the master shortly, as he proffered a folded sheet. Blood broke the seal, and read. Pitt, loosely clad in shirt and breeches, leaned against the rail the while and watched him, unmistakable concern imprinted on his fair, frank countenance. Blood uttered a short laugh, and curled his lip. "It is a very peremptory summons," he said, and passed the note to his friend. The young master's grey eyes skimmed it. Thoughtfully he stroked his golden beard. "You'll not go?" he said, between question and assertion. "Why not? Haven't I been a daily visitor at the fort...?" "But it'll be about the Old Wolf that he wants to see you. It gives him a grievance at last. You know, Peter, that it is Lord Julian alone has stood between Bishop and his hate of you. If now he can show that...." "What if he can?" Blood interrupted carelessly. "Shall I be in greater danger ashore than aboard, now that we've but fifty men left, and they lukewarm rogues who would as soon serve the King as me? Jeremy, dear lad, the Arabella's a prisoner here, bedad, 'twixt the fort there and the fleet yonder. Don't be forgetting that." Jeremy clenched his hands. "Why did ye let Wolverstone and the others go?" he cried, with a touch of bitterness. "You should have seen the danger." "How could I in honesty have detained them? It was in the bargain. Besides, how could their staying have helped me?" And as Pitt did not answer him: "Ye see?" he said, and shrugged. "I'll be getting my hat and cane and sword, and go ashore in the cock-boat. See it manned for me." "Ye're going to deliver yourself into Bishop's hands," Pitt warned him. "Well, well, maybe he'll not find me quite so easy to grasp as he imagines. There's a thorn or two left on me." And with a laugh Blood departed to his cabin. Jeremy Pitt answered the laugh with an oath. A moment he stood irresolute where Blood had left him. Then slowly, reluctance dragging at his feet, he went down the companion to give the order for the cock-boat. "If anything should happen to you, Peter," he said, as Blood was going over the side, "Colonel Bishop had better look to himself. These fifty lads may be lukewarm at present, as you say, but--sink me!--they'll be anything but lukewarm if there's a breach of faith." "And what should be happening to me, Jeremy? Sure, now, I'll be back for dinner, so I will." Blood climbed down into the waiting boat. But laugh though he might, he knew as well as Pitt that in going ashore that morning he carried his life in his hands. Because of this, it may have been that when he stepped on to the narrow mole, in the shadow of the shallow outer wall of the fort through whose crenels were thrust the black noses of its heavy guns, he gave order that the boat should stay for him at that spot. He realized that he might have to retreat in a hurry. Walking leisurely, he skirted the embattled wall, and passed through the great gates into the courtyard. Half-a-dozen soldiers lounged there, and in the shadow cast by the wall, Major Mallard, the Commandant, was slowly pacing. He stopped short at sight of Captain Blood, and saluted him, as was his due, but the smile that lifted the officer's stiff mostachios was grimly sardonic. Peter Blood's attention, however, was elsewhere. On his right stretched a spacious garden, beyond which rose the white house that was the residence of the Deputy-Governor. In that garden's main avenue, that was fringed with palm and sandalwood, he had caught sight of Miss Bishop alone. He crossed the courtyard with suddenly lengthened stride. "Good-morning to ye, ma'am," was his greeting as he overtook her; and hat in hand now, he added on a note of protest: "Sure, it's nothing less than uncharitable to make me run in this heat." "Why do you run, then?" she asked him coolly, standing slim and straight before him, all in white and very maidenly save in her unnatural composure. "I am pressed," she informed him. "So you will forgive me if I do not stay." "You were none so pressed until I came," he protested, and if his thin lips smiled, his blue eyes were oddly hard. "Since you perceive it, sir, I wonder that you trouble to be so insistent." That crossed the swords between them, and it was against Blood's instincts to avoid an engagement. "Faith, you explain yourself after a fashion," said he. "But since it was more or less in your service that I donned the King's coat, you should suffer it to cover the thief and pirate." She shrugged and turned aside, in some resentment and some regret. Fearing to betray the latter, she took refuge in the former. "I do my best," said she. "So that ye can be charitable in some ways!" He laughed softly. "Glory be, now, I should be thankful for so much. Maybe I'm presumptuous. But I can't forget that when I was no better than a slave in your uncle's household in Barbados, ye used me with a certain kindness." "Why not? In those days you had some claim upon my kindness. You were just an unfortunate gentleman then." "And what else would you be calling me now?" "Hardly unfortunate. We have heard of your good fortune on the seas--how your luck has passed into a byword. And we have heard other things: of your good fortune in other directions." She spoke hastily, the thought of Mademoiselle d'Ogeron in her mind. And instantly would have recalled the words had she been able. But Peter Blood swept them lightly aside, reading into them none of her meaning, as she feared he would. "Aye--a deal of lies, devil a doubt, as I could prove to you." "I cannot think why you should trouble to put yourself on your defence," she discouraged him. "So that ye may think less badly of me than you do." "What I think of you can be a very little matter to you, sir." This was a disarming stroke. He abandoned combat for expostulation. "Can ye say that now? Can ye say that, beholding me in this livery of a service I despise? Didn't ye tell me that I might redeem the past? It's little enough I am concerned to redeem the past save only in your eyes. In my own I've done nothing at all that I am ashamed of, considering the provocation I received." Her glance faltered, and fell away before his own that was so intent. "I... I can't think why you should speak to me like this," she said, with less than her earlier assurance. "Ah, now, can't ye, indeed?" he cried. "Sure, then, I'll be telling ye." "Oh, please." There was real alarm in her voice. "I realize fully what you did, and I realize that partly, at least, you may have been urged by consideration for myself. Believe me, I am very grateful. I shall always be grateful." "But if it's also your intention always to think of me as a thief and a pirate, faith, ye may keep your gratitude for all the good it's like to do me." A livelier colour crept into her cheeks. There was a perceptible heave of the slight breast that faintly swelled the flimsy bodice of white silk. But if she resented his tone and his words, she stifled her resentment. She realized that perhaps she had, herself, provoked his anger. She honestly desired to make amends. "You are mistaken," she began. "It isn't that." But they were fated to misunderstand each other. Jealousy, that troubler of reason, had been over-busy with his wits as it had with hers. "What is it, then?" quoth he, and added the question: "Lord Julian?" She started, and stared at him blankly indignant now. "Och, be frank with me," he urged her, unpardonably. "'Twill be a kindness, so it will." For a moment she stood before him with quickened breathing, the colour ebbing and flowing in her cheeks. Then she looked past him, and tilted her chin forward. "You... you are quite insufferable," she said. "I beg that you will let me pass." He stepped aside, and with the broad feathered hat which he still held in his hand, he waved her on towards the house. "I'll not be detaining you any longer, ma'am. After all, the cursed thing I did for nothing can be undone. Ye'll remember afterwards that it was your hardness drove me." She moved to depart, then checked, and faced him again. It was she now who was on her defence, her voice quivering with indignation. "You take that tone! You dare to take that tone!" she cried, astounding him by her sudden vehemence. "You have the effrontery to upbraid me because I will not take your hands when I know how they are stained; when I know you for a murderer and worse?" He stared at her open-mouthed. "A murderer--I?" he said at last. "Must I name your victims? Did you not murder Levasseur?" "Levasseur?" He smiled a little. "So they've told you about that!" "Do you deny it?" "I killed him, it is true. I can remember killing another man in circumstances that were very similar. That was in Bridgetown on the night of the Spanish raid. Mary Traill would tell you of it. She was present." He clapped his hat on his head with a certain abrupt fierceness, and strode angrily away, before she could answer or even grasp the full significance of what he had said. CHAPTER XXIII. HOSTAGES Peter Blood stood in the pillared portico of Government House, and with unseeing eyes that were laden with pain and anger, stared out across the great harbour of Port Royal to the green hills rising from the farther shore and the ridge of the Blue Mountains beyond, showing hazily through the quivering heat. He was aroused by the return of the negro who had gone to announce him, and following now this slave, he made his way through the house to the wide piazza behind it, in whose shade Colonel Bishop and my Lord Julian Wade took what little air there was. "So ye've come," the Deputy-Governor hailed him, and followed the greeting by a series of grunts of vague but apparently ill-humoured import. He did not trouble to rise, not even when Lord Julian, obeying the instincts of finer breeding, set him the example. From under scowling brows the wealthy Barbados planter considered his sometime slave, who, hat in hand, leaning lightly upon his long beribboned cane, revealed nothing in his countenance of the anger which was being steadily nourished by this cavalier reception. At last, with scowling brow and in self-sufficient tones, Colonel Bishop delivered himself. "I have sent for you, Captain Blood, because of certain news that has just reached me. I am informed that yesterday evening a frigate left the harbour having on board your associate Wolverstone and a hundred men of the hundred and fifty that were serving under you. His lordship and I shall be glad to have your explanation of how you came to permit that departure." "Permit?" quoth Blood. "I ordered it." The answer left Bishop speechless for a moment. Then: "You ordered it?" he said in accents of unbelief, whilst Lord Julian raised his eyebrows. "'Swounds! Perhaps you'll explain yourself? Whither has Wolverstone gone?" "To Tortuga. He's gone with a message to the officers commanding the other four ships of the fleet that is awaiting me there, telling them what's happened and why they are no longer to expect me." Bishop's great face seemed to swell and its high colour to deepen. He swung to Lord Julian. "You hear that, my lord? Deliberately he has let Wolverstone loose upon the seas again--Wolverstone, the worst of all that gang of pirates after himself. I hope your lordship begins at last to perceive the folly of granting the King's commission to such a man as this against all my counsels. Why, this thing is... it's just mutiny... treason! By God! It's matter for a court-martial." "Will you cease your blather of mutiny and treason and courts-martial?" Blood put on his hat, and sat down unbidden. "I have sent Wolverstone to inform Hagthorpe and Christian and Yberville and the rest of my lads that they've one clear month in which to follow my example, quit piracy, and get back to their boucans or their logwood, or else sail out of the Caribbean Sea. That's what I've done." "But the men?" his lordship interposed in his level, cultured voice. "This hundred men that Wolverstone has taken with him?" "They are those of my crew who have no taste for King James's service, and have preferred to seek work of other kinds. It was in our compact, my lord, that there should be no constraining of my men." "I don't remember it," said his lordship, with sincerity. Blood looked at him in surprise. Then he shrugged. "Faith, I'm not to blame for your lordship's poor memory. I say that it was so; and I don't lie. I've never found it necessary. In any case ye couldn't have supposed that I should consent to anything different." And then the Deputy-Governor exploded. "You have given those damned rascals in Tortuga this warning so that they may escape! That is what you have done. That is how you abuse the commission that has saved your own neck!" Peter Blood considered him steadily, his face impassive. "I will remind you," he said at last, very quietly, "that the object in view was--leaving out of account your own appetites which, as every one knows, are just those of a hangman--to rid the Caribbean of buccaneers. Now, I've taken the most effective way of accomplishing that object. The knowledge that I've entered the King's service should in itself go far towards disbanding the fleet of which I was until lately the admiral." "I see!" sneered the Deputy-Governor malevolently. "And if it does not?" "It will be time enough then to consider what else is to be done." Lord Julian forestalled a fresh outburst on the part of Bishop. "It is possible," he said, "that my Lord Sunderland will be satisfied, provided that the solution is such as you promise." It was a courteous, conciliatory speech. Urged by friendliness towards Blood and understanding of the difficult position in which the buccaneer found himself, his lordship was disposed to take his stand upon the letter of his instructions. Therefore he now held out a friendly hand to help him over the latest and most difficult obstacle which Blood himself had enabled Bishop to place in the way of his redemption. Unfortunately the last person from whom Peter Blood desired assistance at that moment was this young nobleman, whom he regarded with the jaundiced eyes of jealousy. "Anyway," he answered, with a suggestion of defiance and more than a suggestion of a sneer, "it's the most ye should expect from me, and certainly it's the most ye'll get." His lordship frowned, and dabbed his lips with a handkerchief. "I don't think that I quite like the way you put it. Indeed, upon reflection, Captain Blood, I am sure that I do not." "I am sorry for that, so I am," said Blood impudently. "But there it is. I'm not on that account concerned to modify it." His lordship's pale eyes opened a little wider. Languidly he raised his eyebrows. "Ah!" he said. "You're a prodigiously uncivil fellow. You disappoint me, sir. I had formed the notion that you might be a gentleman." "And that's not your lordship's only mistake," Bishop cut in. "You made a worse when you gave him the King's commission, and so sheltered the rascal from the gallows I had prepared for him in Port Royal." "Aye--but the worst mistake of all in this matter of commissions," said Blood to his lordship, "was the one that trade this greasy slaver Deputy-Governor of Jamaica instead of its hangman, which is the office for which he's by nature fitted." "Captain Blood!" said his lordship sharply in reproof. "Upon my soul and honour, sir, you go much too far. You are...." But here Bishop interrupted him. He had heaved himself to his feet, at last, and was venting his fury in unprintable abuse. Captain Blood, who had also risen, stood apparently impassive, for the storm to spend itself. When at last this happened, he addressed himself quietly to Lord Julian, as if Colonel Bishop had not spoken. "Your lordship was about to say?" he asked, with challenging smoothness. But his lordship had by now recovered his habitual composure, and was again disposed to be conciliatory. He laughed and shrugged. "Faith! here's a deal of unnecessary heat," said he. "And God knows this plaguey climate provides enough of that. Perhaps, Colonel Bishop, you are a little uncompromising; and you, sir, are certainly a deal too peppery. I have said, speaking on behalf of my Lord Sunderland, that I am content to await the result of your experiment." But Bishop's fury had by now reached a stage in which it was not to be restrained. "Are you, indeed?" he roared. "Well, then, I am not. This is a matter in which your lordship must allow me to be the better judge. And, anyhow, I'll take the risk of acting on my own responsibility." Lord Julian abandoned the struggle. He smiled wearily, shrugged, and waved a hand in implied resignation. The Deputy-Governor stormed on. "Since my lord here has given you a commission, I can't regularly deal with you out of hand for piracy as you deserve. But you shall answer before a court-martial for your action in the matter of Wolverstone, and take the consequences." "I see," said Blood. "Now we come to it. And it's yourself as Deputy-Governor will preside over that same court-martial. So that ye can wipe off old scores by hanging me, it's little ye care how ye do it!" He laughed, and added: "Praemonitus, praemunitus." "What shall that mean?" quoth Lord Julian sharply. "I had imagined that your lordship would have had some education." He was at pains, you see, to be provocative. "It's not the literal meaning I am asking, sir," said Lord Julian, with frosty dignity. "I want to know what you desire me to understand?" "I'll leave your lordship guessing," said Blood. "And I'll be wishing ye both a very good day." He swept off his feathered hat, and made them a leg very elegantly. "Before you go," said Bishop, "and to save you from any idle rashness, I'll tell you that the Harbour-Master and the Commandant have their orders. You don't leave Port Royal, my fine gallows bird. Damme, I mean to provide you with permanent moorings here, in Execution Dock." Peter Blood stiffened, and his vivid blue

comfit

How many times the word 'comfit' appears in the text?

But what did I tell ye? Ye see, the young gentleman's under a misapprehension entirely. Perhaps it'll save broken bones if your lordship explains just who and what I am." Lord Julian advanced a step and bowed perfunctorily and rather disdainfully to that very disdainful but now dumbfounded officer. Pitt, who watched the scene from the quarter-deck rail, tells us that his lordship was as grave as a parson at a hanging. But I suspect this gravity for a mask under which Lord Julian was secretly amused. "I have the honour to inform you, sir," he said stiffly, "that Captain Blood holds a commission in the King's service under the seal of my Lord Sunderland, His Majesty's Secretary of State." Captain Calverley's face empurpled; his eyes bulged. The buccaneers in the background chuckled and crowed and swore among themselves in their relish of this comedy. For a long moment Calverley stared in silence at his lordship, observing the costly elegance of his dress, his air of calm assurance, and his cold, fastidious speech, all of which savoured distinctly of the great world to which he belonged. "And who the devil may you be?" he exploded at last. Colder still and more distant than ever grew his lordship's voice. "You're not very civil, sir, as I have already noticed. My name is Wade--Lord Julian Wade. I am His Majesty's envoy to these barbarous parts, and my Lord Sunderland's near kinsman. Colonel Bishop has been notified of my coming." The sudden change in Calverley's manner at Lord Julian's mention of his name showed that the notification had been received, and that he had knowledge of it. "I... I believe that he has," said Calverley, between doubt and suspicion. "That is: that he has been notified of the coming of Lord Julian Wade. But... but... aboard this ship...?" The officer made a gesture of helplessness, and, surrendering to his bewilderment, fell abruptly silent. "I was coming out on the Royal Mary...." "That is what we were advised." "But the Royal Mary fell a victim to a Spanish privateer, and I might never have arrived at all but for the gallantry of Captain Blood, who rescued me." Light broke upon the darkness of Calverley's mind. "I see. I understand." "I will take leave to doubt it." His lordship's tone abated nothing of its asperity. "But that can wait. If Captain Blood will show you his commission, perhaps that will set all doubts at rest, and we may proceed. I shall be glad to reach Port Royal." Captain Blood thrust a parchment under Calverley's bulging eyes. The officer scanned it, particularly the seals and signature. He stepped back, a baffled, impotent man. He bowed helplessly. "I must return to Colonel Bishop for my orders," he informed them. At that moment a lane was opened in the ranks of the men, and through this came Miss Bishop followed by her octoroon woman. Over his shoulder Captain Blood observed her approach. "Perhaps, since Colonel Bishop is with you, you will convey his niece to him. Miss Bishop was aboard the Royal Mary also, and I rescued her together with his lordship. She will be able to acquaint her uncle with the details of that and of the present state of affairs." Swept thus from surprise to surprise, Captain Calverley could do no more than bow again. "As for me," said Lord Julian, with intent to make Miss Bishop's departure free from all interference on the part of the buccaneers, "I shall remain aboard the Arabella until we reach Port Royal. My compliments to Colonel Bishop. Say that I look forward to making his acquaintance there." CHAPTER XXII. HOSTILITIES In the great harbour of Port Royal, spacious enough to have given moorings to all the ships of all the navies of the world, the Arabella rode at anchor. Almost she had the air of a prisoner, for a quarter of a mile ahead, to starboard, rose the lofty, massive single round tower of the fort, whilst a couple of cables'-length astern, and to larboard, rode the six men-of-war that composed the Jamaica squadron. Abeam with the Arabella, across the harbour, were the flat-fronted white buildings of that imposing city that came down to the very water's edge. Behind these the red roofs rose like terraces, marking the gentle slope upon which the city was built, dominated here by a turret, there by a spire, and behind these again a range of green hills with for ultimate background a sky that was like a dome of polished steel. On a cane day-bed that had been set for him on the quarter-deck, sheltered from the dazzling, blistering sunshine by an improvised awning of brown sailcloth, lounged Peter Blood, a calf-bound, well-thumbed copy of Horace's Odes neglected in his hands. From immediately below him came the swish of mops and the gurgle of water in the scuppers, for it was still early morning, and under the directions of Hayton, the bo'sun, the swabbers were at work in the waist and forecastle. Despite the heat and the stagnant air, one of the toilers found breath to croak a ribald buccaneering ditty: "For we laid her board and board, And we put her to the sword, And we sank her in the deep blue sea. So It's heigh-ho, and heave-a-ho! Who'll sail for the Main with me?" Blood fetched a sigh, and the ghost of a smile played over his lean, sun-tanned face. Then the black brows came together above the vivid blue eyes, and thought swiftly closed the door upon his immediate surroundings. Things had not sped at all well with him in the past fortnight since his acceptance of the King's commission. There had been trouble with Bishop from the moment of landing. As Blood and Lord Julian had stepped ashore together, they had been met by a man who took no pains to dissemble his chagrin at the turn of events and his determination to change it. He awaited them on the mole, supported by a group of officers. "You are Lord Julian Wade, I understand," was his truculent greeting. For Blood at the moment he had nothing beyond a malignant glance. Lord Julian bowed. "I take it I have the honour to address Colonel Bishop, Deputy-Governor of Jamaica." It was almost as if his lordship were giving the Colonel a lesson in deportment. The Colonel accepted it, and belatedly bowed, removing his broad hat. Then he plunged on. "You have granted, I am told, the King's commission to this man." His very tone betrayed the bitterness of his rancour. "Your motives were no doubt worthy... your gratitude to him for delivering you from the Spaniards. But the thing itself is unthinkable, my lord. The commission must be cancelled." "I don't think I understand," said Lord Julian distantly. "To be sure you don't, or you'd never ha' done it. The fellow's bubbled you. Why, he's first a rebel, then an escaped slave, and lastly a bloody pirate. I've been hunting him this year past." "I assure you, sir, that I was fully informed of all. I do not grant the King's commission lightly." "Don't you, by God! And what else do you call this? But as His Majesty's Deputy-Governor of Jamaica, I'll take leave to correct your mistake in my own way." "Ah! And what way may that be?" "There's a gallows waiting for this rascal in Port Royal." Blood would have intervened at that, but Lord Julian forestalled him. "I see, sir, that you do not yet quite apprehend the circumstances. If it is a mistake to grant Captain Blood a commission, the mistake is not mine. I am acting upon the instructions of my Lord Sunderland; and with a full knowledge of all the facts, his lordship expressly designated Captain Blood for this commission if Captain Blood could be persuaded to accept it." Colonel Bishop's mouth fell open in surprise and dismay. "Lord Sunderland designated him?" he asked, amazed. "Expressly." His lordship waited a moment for a reply. None coming from the speechless Deputy-Governor, he asked a question: "Would you still venture to describe the matter as a mistake, sir? And dare you take the risk of correcting it?" "I... I had not dreamed...." "I understand, sir. Let me present Captain Blood." Perforce Bishop must put on the best face he could command. But that it was no more than a mask for his fury and his venom was plain to all. From that unpromising beginning matters had not improved; rather had they grown worse. Blood's thoughts were upon this and other things as he lounged there on the day-bed. He had been a fortnight in Port Royal, his ship virtually a unit now in the Jamaica squadron. And when the news of it reached Tortuga and the buccaneers who awaited his return, the name of Captain Blood, which had stood so high among the Brethren of the Coast, would become a byword, a thing of execration, and before all was done his life might pay forfeit for what would be accounted a treacherous defection. And for what had he placed himself in this position? For the sake of a girl who avoided him so persistently and intentionally that he must assume that she still regarded him with aversion. He had scarcely been vouchsafed a glimpse of her in all this fortnight, although with that in view for his main object he had daily haunted her uncle's residence, and daily braved the unmasked hostility and baffled rancour in which Colonel Bishop held him. Nor was that the worst of it. He was allowed plainly to perceive that it was the graceful, elegant young trifler from St. James's, Lord Julian Wade, to whom her every moment was devoted. And what chance had he, a desperate adventurer with a record of outlawry, against such a rival as that, a man of parts, moreover, as he was bound to admit? You conceive the bitterness of his soul. He beheld himself to be as the dog in the fable that had dropped the substance to snatch at a delusive shadow. He sought comfort in a line on the open page before him: "levius fit patientia quicquid corrigere est nefas." Sought it, but hardly found it. A boat that had approached unnoticed from the shore came scraping and bumping against the great red hull of the Arabella, and a raucous voice sent up a hailing shout. From the ship's belfry two silvery notes rang clear and sharp, and a moment or two later the bo'sun's whistle shrilled a long wail. The sounds disturbed Captain Blood from his disgruntled musings. He rose, tall, active, and arrestingly elegant in a scarlet, gold-laced coat that advertised his new position, and slipping the slender volume into his pocket, advanced to the carved rail of the quarter-deck, just as Jeremy Pitt was setting foot upon the companion. "A note for you from the Deputy-Governor," said the master shortly, as he proffered a folded sheet. Blood broke the seal, and read. Pitt, loosely clad in shirt and breeches, leaned against the rail the while and watched him, unmistakable concern imprinted on his fair, frank countenance. Blood uttered a short laugh, and curled his lip. "It is a very peremptory summons," he said, and passed the note to his friend. The young master's grey eyes skimmed it. Thoughtfully he stroked his golden beard. "You'll not go?" he said, between question and assertion. "Why not? Haven't I been a daily visitor at the fort...?" "But it'll be about the Old Wolf that he wants to see you. It gives him a grievance at last. You know, Peter, that it is Lord Julian alone has stood between Bishop and his hate of you. If now he can show that...." "What if he can?" Blood interrupted carelessly. "Shall I be in greater danger ashore than aboard, now that we've but fifty men left, and they lukewarm rogues who would as soon serve the King as me? Jeremy, dear lad, the Arabella's a prisoner here, bedad, 'twixt the fort there and the fleet yonder. Don't be forgetting that." Jeremy clenched his hands. "Why did ye let Wolverstone and the others go?" he cried, with a touch of bitterness. "You should have seen the danger." "How could I in honesty have detained them? It was in the bargain. Besides, how could their staying have helped me?" And as Pitt did not answer him: "Ye see?" he said, and shrugged. "I'll be getting my hat and cane and sword, and go ashore in the cock-boat. See it manned for me." "Ye're going to deliver yourself into Bishop's hands," Pitt warned him. "Well, well, maybe he'll not find me quite so easy to grasp as he imagines. There's a thorn or two left on me." And with a laugh Blood departed to his cabin. Jeremy Pitt answered the laugh with an oath. A moment he stood irresolute where Blood had left him. Then slowly, reluctance dragging at his feet, he went down the companion to give the order for the cock-boat. "If anything should happen to you, Peter," he said, as Blood was going over the side, "Colonel Bishop had better look to himself. These fifty lads may be lukewarm at present, as you say, but--sink me!--they'll be anything but lukewarm if there's a breach of faith." "And what should be happening to me, Jeremy? Sure, now, I'll be back for dinner, so I will." Blood climbed down into the waiting boat. But laugh though he might, he knew as well as Pitt that in going ashore that morning he carried his life in his hands. Because of this, it may have been that when he stepped on to the narrow mole, in the shadow of the shallow outer wall of the fort through whose crenels were thrust the black noses of its heavy guns, he gave order that the boat should stay for him at that spot. He realized that he might have to retreat in a hurry. Walking leisurely, he skirted the embattled wall, and passed through the great gates into the courtyard. Half-a-dozen soldiers lounged there, and in the shadow cast by the wall, Major Mallard, the Commandant, was slowly pacing. He stopped short at sight of Captain Blood, and saluted him, as was his due, but the smile that lifted the officer's stiff mostachios was grimly sardonic. Peter Blood's attention, however, was elsewhere. On his right stretched a spacious garden, beyond which rose the white house that was the residence of the Deputy-Governor. In that garden's main avenue, that was fringed with palm and sandalwood, he had caught sight of Miss Bishop alone. He crossed the courtyard with suddenly lengthened stride. "Good-morning to ye, ma'am," was his greeting as he overtook her; and hat in hand now, he added on a note of protest: "Sure, it's nothing less than uncharitable to make me run in this heat." "Why do you run, then?" she asked him coolly, standing slim and straight before him, all in white and very maidenly save in her unnatural composure. "I am pressed," she informed him. "So you will forgive me if I do not stay." "You were none so pressed until I came," he protested, and if his thin lips smiled, his blue eyes were oddly hard. "Since you perceive it, sir, I wonder that you trouble to be so insistent." That crossed the swords between them, and it was against Blood's instincts to avoid an engagement. "Faith, you explain yourself after a fashion," said he. "But since it was more or less in your service that I donned the King's coat, you should suffer it to cover the thief and pirate." She shrugged and turned aside, in some resentment and some regret. Fearing to betray the latter, she took refuge in the former. "I do my best," said she. "So that ye can be charitable in some ways!" He laughed softly. "Glory be, now, I should be thankful for so much. Maybe I'm presumptuous. But I can't forget that when I was no better than a slave in your uncle's household in Barbados, ye used me with a certain kindness." "Why not? In those days you had some claim upon my kindness. You were just an unfortunate gentleman then." "And what else would you be calling me now?" "Hardly unfortunate. We have heard of your good fortune on the seas--how your luck has passed into a byword. And we have heard other things: of your good fortune in other directions." She spoke hastily, the thought of Mademoiselle d'Ogeron in her mind. And instantly would have recalled the words had she been able. But Peter Blood swept them lightly aside, reading into them none of her meaning, as she feared he would. "Aye--a deal of lies, devil a doubt, as I could prove to you." "I cannot think why you should trouble to put yourself on your defence," she discouraged him. "So that ye may think less badly of me than you do." "What I think of you can be a very little matter to you, sir." This was a disarming stroke. He abandoned combat for expostulation. "Can ye say that now? Can ye say that, beholding me in this livery of a service I despise? Didn't ye tell me that I might redeem the past? It's little enough I am concerned to redeem the past save only in your eyes. In my own I've done nothing at all that I am ashamed of, considering the provocation I received." Her glance faltered, and fell away before his own that was so intent. "I... I can't think why you should speak to me like this," she said, with less than her earlier assurance. "Ah, now, can't ye, indeed?" he cried. "Sure, then, I'll be telling ye." "Oh, please." There was real alarm in her voice. "I realize fully what you did, and I realize that partly, at least, you may have been urged by consideration for myself. Believe me, I am very grateful. I shall always be grateful." "But if it's also your intention always to think of me as a thief and a pirate, faith, ye may keep your gratitude for all the good it's like to do me." A livelier colour crept into her cheeks. There was a perceptible heave of the slight breast that faintly swelled the flimsy bodice of white silk. But if she resented his tone and his words, she stifled her resentment. She realized that perhaps she had, herself, provoked his anger. She honestly desired to make amends. "You are mistaken," she began. "It isn't that." But they were fated to misunderstand each other. Jealousy, that troubler of reason, had been over-busy with his wits as it had with hers. "What is it, then?" quoth he, and added the question: "Lord Julian?" She started, and stared at him blankly indignant now. "Och, be frank with me," he urged her, unpardonably. "'Twill be a kindness, so it will." For a moment she stood before him with quickened breathing, the colour ebbing and flowing in her cheeks. Then she looked past him, and tilted her chin forward. "You... you are quite insufferable," she said. "I beg that you will let me pass." He stepped aside, and with the broad feathered hat which he still held in his hand, he waved her on towards the house. "I'll not be detaining you any longer, ma'am. After all, the cursed thing I did for nothing can be undone. Ye'll remember afterwards that it was your hardness drove me." She moved to depart, then checked, and faced him again. It was she now who was on her defence, her voice quivering with indignation. "You take that tone! You dare to take that tone!" she cried, astounding him by her sudden vehemence. "You have the effrontery to upbraid me because I will not take your hands when I know how they are stained; when I know you for a murderer and worse?" He stared at her open-mouthed. "A murderer--I?" he said at last. "Must I name your victims? Did you not murder Levasseur?" "Levasseur?" He smiled a little. "So they've told you about that!" "Do you deny it?" "I killed him, it is true. I can remember killing another man in circumstances that were very similar. That was in Bridgetown on the night of the Spanish raid. Mary Traill would tell you of it. She was present." He clapped his hat on his head with a certain abrupt fierceness, and strode angrily away, before she could answer or even grasp the full significance of what he had said. CHAPTER XXIII. HOSTAGES Peter Blood stood in the pillared portico of Government House, and with unseeing eyes that were laden with pain and anger, stared out across the great harbour of Port Royal to the green hills rising from the farther shore and the ridge of the Blue Mountains beyond, showing hazily through the quivering heat. He was aroused by the return of the negro who had gone to announce him, and following now this slave, he made his way through the house to the wide piazza behind it, in whose shade Colonel Bishop and my Lord Julian Wade took what little air there was. "So ye've come," the Deputy-Governor hailed him, and followed the greeting by a series of grunts of vague but apparently ill-humoured import. He did not trouble to rise, not even when Lord Julian, obeying the instincts of finer breeding, set him the example. From under scowling brows the wealthy Barbados planter considered his sometime slave, who, hat in hand, leaning lightly upon his long beribboned cane, revealed nothing in his countenance of the anger which was being steadily nourished by this cavalier reception. At last, with scowling brow and in self-sufficient tones, Colonel Bishop delivered himself. "I have sent for you, Captain Blood, because of certain news that has just reached me. I am informed that yesterday evening a frigate left the harbour having on board your associate Wolverstone and a hundred men of the hundred and fifty that were serving under you. His lordship and I shall be glad to have your explanation of how you came to permit that departure." "Permit?" quoth Blood. "I ordered it." The answer left Bishop speechless for a moment. Then: "You ordered it?" he said in accents of unbelief, whilst Lord Julian raised his eyebrows. "'Swounds! Perhaps you'll explain yourself? Whither has Wolverstone gone?" "To Tortuga. He's gone with a message to the officers commanding the other four ships of the fleet that is awaiting me there, telling them what's happened and why they are no longer to expect me." Bishop's great face seemed to swell and its high colour to deepen. He swung to Lord Julian. "You hear that, my lord? Deliberately he has let Wolverstone loose upon the seas again--Wolverstone, the worst of all that gang of pirates after himself. I hope your lordship begins at last to perceive the folly of granting the King's commission to such a man as this against all my counsels. Why, this thing is... it's just mutiny... treason! By God! It's matter for a court-martial." "Will you cease your blather of mutiny and treason and courts-martial?" Blood put on his hat, and sat down unbidden. "I have sent Wolverstone to inform Hagthorpe and Christian and Yberville and the rest of my lads that they've one clear month in which to follow my example, quit piracy, and get back to their boucans or their logwood, or else sail out of the Caribbean Sea. That's what I've done." "But the men?" his lordship interposed in his level, cultured voice. "This hundred men that Wolverstone has taken with him?" "They are those of my crew who have no taste for King James's service, and have preferred to seek work of other kinds. It was in our compact, my lord, that there should be no constraining of my men." "I don't remember it," said his lordship, with sincerity. Blood looked at him in surprise. Then he shrugged. "Faith, I'm not to blame for your lordship's poor memory. I say that it was so; and I don't lie. I've never found it necessary. In any case ye couldn't have supposed that I should consent to anything different." And then the Deputy-Governor exploded. "You have given those damned rascals in Tortuga this warning so that they may escape! That is what you have done. That is how you abuse the commission that has saved your own neck!" Peter Blood considered him steadily, his face impassive. "I will remind you," he said at last, very quietly, "that the object in view was--leaving out of account your own appetites which, as every one knows, are just those of a hangman--to rid the Caribbean of buccaneers. Now, I've taken the most effective way of accomplishing that object. The knowledge that I've entered the King's service should in itself go far towards disbanding the fleet of which I was until lately the admiral." "I see!" sneered the Deputy-Governor malevolently. "And if it does not?" "It will be time enough then to consider what else is to be done." Lord Julian forestalled a fresh outburst on the part of Bishop. "It is possible," he said, "that my Lord Sunderland will be satisfied, provided that the solution is such as you promise." It was a courteous, conciliatory speech. Urged by friendliness towards Blood and understanding of the difficult position in which the buccaneer found himself, his lordship was disposed to take his stand upon the letter of his instructions. Therefore he now held out a friendly hand to help him over the latest and most difficult obstacle which Blood himself had enabled Bishop to place in the way of his redemption. Unfortunately the last person from whom Peter Blood desired assistance at that moment was this young nobleman, whom he regarded with the jaundiced eyes of jealousy. "Anyway," he answered, with a suggestion of defiance and more than a suggestion of a sneer, "it's the most ye should expect from me, and certainly it's the most ye'll get." His lordship frowned, and dabbed his lips with a handkerchief. "I don't think that I quite like the way you put it. Indeed, upon reflection, Captain Blood, I am sure that I do not." "I am sorry for that, so I am," said Blood impudently. "But there it is. I'm not on that account concerned to modify it." His lordship's pale eyes opened a little wider. Languidly he raised his eyebrows. "Ah!" he said. "You're a prodigiously uncivil fellow. You disappoint me, sir. I had formed the notion that you might be a gentleman." "And that's not your lordship's only mistake," Bishop cut in. "You made a worse when you gave him the King's commission, and so sheltered the rascal from the gallows I had prepared for him in Port Royal." "Aye--but the worst mistake of all in this matter of commissions," said Blood to his lordship, "was the one that trade this greasy slaver Deputy-Governor of Jamaica instead of its hangman, which is the office for which he's by nature fitted." "Captain Blood!" said his lordship sharply in reproof. "Upon my soul and honour, sir, you go much too far. You are...." But here Bishop interrupted him. He had heaved himself to his feet, at last, and was venting his fury in unprintable abuse. Captain Blood, who had also risen, stood apparently impassive, for the storm to spend itself. When at last this happened, he addressed himself quietly to Lord Julian, as if Colonel Bishop had not spoken. "Your lordship was about to say?" he asked, with challenging smoothness. But his lordship had by now recovered his habitual composure, and was again disposed to be conciliatory. He laughed and shrugged. "Faith! here's a deal of unnecessary heat," said he. "And God knows this plaguey climate provides enough of that. Perhaps, Colonel Bishop, you are a little uncompromising; and you, sir, are certainly a deal too peppery. I have said, speaking on behalf of my Lord Sunderland, that I am content to await the result of your experiment." But Bishop's fury had by now reached a stage in which it was not to be restrained. "Are you, indeed?" he roared. "Well, then, I am not. This is a matter in which your lordship must allow me to be the better judge. And, anyhow, I'll take the risk of acting on my own responsibility." Lord Julian abandoned the struggle. He smiled wearily, shrugged, and waved a hand in implied resignation. The Deputy-Governor stormed on. "Since my lord here has given you a commission, I can't regularly deal with you out of hand for piracy as you deserve. But you shall answer before a court-martial for your action in the matter of Wolverstone, and take the consequences." "I see," said Blood. "Now we come to it. And it's yourself as Deputy-Governor will preside over that same court-martial. So that ye can wipe off old scores by hanging me, it's little ye care how ye do it!" He laughed, and added: "Praemonitus, praemunitus." "What shall that mean?" quoth Lord Julian sharply. "I had imagined that your lordship would have had some education." He was at pains, you see, to be provocative. "It's not the literal meaning I am asking, sir," said Lord Julian, with frosty dignity. "I want to know what you desire me to understand?" "I'll leave your lordship guessing," said Blood. "And I'll be wishing ye both a very good day." He swept off his feathered hat, and made them a leg very elegantly. "Before you go," said Bishop, "and to save you from any idle rashness, I'll tell you that the Harbour-Master and the Commandant have their orders. You don't leave Port Royal, my fine gallows bird. Damme, I mean to provide you with permanent moorings here, in Execution Dock." Peter Blood stiffened, and his vivid blue

distant

How many times the word 'distant' appears in the text?

But what did I tell ye? Ye see, the young gentleman's under a misapprehension entirely. Perhaps it'll save broken bones if your lordship explains just who and what I am." Lord Julian advanced a step and bowed perfunctorily and rather disdainfully to that very disdainful but now dumbfounded officer. Pitt, who watched the scene from the quarter-deck rail, tells us that his lordship was as grave as a parson at a hanging. But I suspect this gravity for a mask under which Lord Julian was secretly amused. "I have the honour to inform you, sir," he said stiffly, "that Captain Blood holds a commission in the King's service under the seal of my Lord Sunderland, His Majesty's Secretary of State." Captain Calverley's face empurpled; his eyes bulged. The buccaneers in the background chuckled and crowed and swore among themselves in their relish of this comedy. For a long moment Calverley stared in silence at his lordship, observing the costly elegance of his dress, his air of calm assurance, and his cold, fastidious speech, all of which savoured distinctly of the great world to which he belonged. "And who the devil may you be?" he exploded at last. Colder still and more distant than ever grew his lordship's voice. "You're not very civil, sir, as I have already noticed. My name is Wade--Lord Julian Wade. I am His Majesty's envoy to these barbarous parts, and my Lord Sunderland's near kinsman. Colonel Bishop has been notified of my coming." The sudden change in Calverley's manner at Lord Julian's mention of his name showed that the notification had been received, and that he had knowledge of it. "I... I believe that he has," said Calverley, between doubt and suspicion. "That is: that he has been notified of the coming of Lord Julian Wade. But... but... aboard this ship...?" The officer made a gesture of helplessness, and, surrendering to his bewilderment, fell abruptly silent. "I was coming out on the Royal Mary...." "That is what we were advised." "But the Royal Mary fell a victim to a Spanish privateer, and I might never have arrived at all but for the gallantry of Captain Blood, who rescued me." Light broke upon the darkness of Calverley's mind. "I see. I understand." "I will take leave to doubt it." His lordship's tone abated nothing of its asperity. "But that can wait. If Captain Blood will show you his commission, perhaps that will set all doubts at rest, and we may proceed. I shall be glad to reach Port Royal." Captain Blood thrust a parchment under Calverley's bulging eyes. The officer scanned it, particularly the seals and signature. He stepped back, a baffled, impotent man. He bowed helplessly. "I must return to Colonel Bishop for my orders," he informed them. At that moment a lane was opened in the ranks of the men, and through this came Miss Bishop followed by her octoroon woman. Over his shoulder Captain Blood observed her approach. "Perhaps, since Colonel Bishop is with you, you will convey his niece to him. Miss Bishop was aboard the Royal Mary also, and I rescued her together with his lordship. She will be able to acquaint her uncle with the details of that and of the present state of affairs." Swept thus from surprise to surprise, Captain Calverley could do no more than bow again. "As for me," said Lord Julian, with intent to make Miss Bishop's departure free from all interference on the part of the buccaneers, "I shall remain aboard the Arabella until we reach Port Royal. My compliments to Colonel Bishop. Say that I look forward to making his acquaintance there." CHAPTER XXII. HOSTILITIES In the great harbour of Port Royal, spacious enough to have given moorings to all the ships of all the navies of the world, the Arabella rode at anchor. Almost she had the air of a prisoner, for a quarter of a mile ahead, to starboard, rose the lofty, massive single round tower of the fort, whilst a couple of cables'-length astern, and to larboard, rode the six men-of-war that composed the Jamaica squadron. Abeam with the Arabella, across the harbour, were the flat-fronted white buildings of that imposing city that came down to the very water's edge. Behind these the red roofs rose like terraces, marking the gentle slope upon which the city was built, dominated here by a turret, there by a spire, and behind these again a range of green hills with for ultimate background a sky that was like a dome of polished steel. On a cane day-bed that had been set for him on the quarter-deck, sheltered from the dazzling, blistering sunshine by an improvised awning of brown sailcloth, lounged Peter Blood, a calf-bound, well-thumbed copy of Horace's Odes neglected in his hands. From immediately below him came the swish of mops and the gurgle of water in the scuppers, for it was still early morning, and under the directions of Hayton, the bo'sun, the swabbers were at work in the waist and forecastle. Despite the heat and the stagnant air, one of the toilers found breath to croak a ribald buccaneering ditty: "For we laid her board and board, And we put her to the sword, And we sank her in the deep blue sea. So It's heigh-ho, and heave-a-ho! Who'll sail for the Main with me?" Blood fetched a sigh, and the ghost of a smile played over his lean, sun-tanned face. Then the black brows came together above the vivid blue eyes, and thought swiftly closed the door upon his immediate surroundings. Things had not sped at all well with him in the past fortnight since his acceptance of the King's commission. There had been trouble with Bishop from the moment of landing. As Blood and Lord Julian had stepped ashore together, they had been met by a man who took no pains to dissemble his chagrin at the turn of events and his determination to change it. He awaited them on the mole, supported by a group of officers. "You are Lord Julian Wade, I understand," was his truculent greeting. For Blood at the moment he had nothing beyond a malignant glance. Lord Julian bowed. "I take it I have the honour to address Colonel Bishop, Deputy-Governor of Jamaica." It was almost as if his lordship were giving the Colonel a lesson in deportment. The Colonel accepted it, and belatedly bowed, removing his broad hat. Then he plunged on. "You have granted, I am told, the King's commission to this man." His very tone betrayed the bitterness of his rancour. "Your motives were no doubt worthy... your gratitude to him for delivering you from the Spaniards. But the thing itself is unthinkable, my lord. The commission must be cancelled." "I don't think I understand," said Lord Julian distantly. "To be sure you don't, or you'd never ha' done it. The fellow's bubbled you. Why, he's first a rebel, then an escaped slave, and lastly a bloody pirate. I've been hunting him this year past." "I assure you, sir, that I was fully informed of all. I do not grant the King's commission lightly." "Don't you, by God! And what else do you call this? But as His Majesty's Deputy-Governor of Jamaica, I'll take leave to correct your mistake in my own way." "Ah! And what way may that be?" "There's a gallows waiting for this rascal in Port Royal." Blood would have intervened at that, but Lord Julian forestalled him. "I see, sir, that you do not yet quite apprehend the circumstances. If it is a mistake to grant Captain Blood a commission, the mistake is not mine. I am acting upon the instructions of my Lord Sunderland; and with a full knowledge of all the facts, his lordship expressly designated Captain Blood for this commission if Captain Blood could be persuaded to accept it." Colonel Bishop's mouth fell open in surprise and dismay. "Lord Sunderland designated him?" he asked, amazed. "Expressly." His lordship waited a moment for a reply. None coming from the speechless Deputy-Governor, he asked a question: "Would you still venture to describe the matter as a mistake, sir? And dare you take the risk of correcting it?" "I... I had not dreamed...." "I understand, sir. Let me present Captain Blood." Perforce Bishop must put on the best face he could command. But that it was no more than a mask for his fury and his venom was plain to all. From that unpromising beginning matters had not improved; rather had they grown worse. Blood's thoughts were upon this and other things as he lounged there on the day-bed. He had been a fortnight in Port Royal, his ship virtually a unit now in the Jamaica squadron. And when the news of it reached Tortuga and the buccaneers who awaited his return, the name of Captain Blood, which had stood so high among the Brethren of the Coast, would become a byword, a thing of execration, and before all was done his life might pay forfeit for what would be accounted a treacherous defection. And for what had he placed himself in this position? For the sake of a girl who avoided him so persistently and intentionally that he must assume that she still regarded him with aversion. He had scarcely been vouchsafed a glimpse of her in all this fortnight, although with that in view for his main object he had daily haunted her uncle's residence, and daily braved the unmasked hostility and baffled rancour in which Colonel Bishop held him. Nor was that the worst of it. He was allowed plainly to perceive that it was the graceful, elegant young trifler from St. James's, Lord Julian Wade, to whom her every moment was devoted. And what chance had he, a desperate adventurer with a record of outlawry, against such a rival as that, a man of parts, moreover, as he was bound to admit? You conceive the bitterness of his soul. He beheld himself to be as the dog in the fable that had dropped the substance to snatch at a delusive shadow. He sought comfort in a line on the open page before him: "levius fit patientia quicquid corrigere est nefas." Sought it, but hardly found it. A boat that had approached unnoticed from the shore came scraping and bumping against the great red hull of the Arabella, and a raucous voice sent up a hailing shout. From the ship's belfry two silvery notes rang clear and sharp, and a moment or two later the bo'sun's whistle shrilled a long wail. The sounds disturbed Captain Blood from his disgruntled musings. He rose, tall, active, and arrestingly elegant in a scarlet, gold-laced coat that advertised his new position, and slipping the slender volume into his pocket, advanced to the carved rail of the quarter-deck, just as Jeremy Pitt was setting foot upon the companion. "A note for you from the Deputy-Governor," said the master shortly, as he proffered a folded sheet. Blood broke the seal, and read. Pitt, loosely clad in shirt and breeches, leaned against the rail the while and watched him, unmistakable concern imprinted on his fair, frank countenance. Blood uttered a short laugh, and curled his lip. "It is a very peremptory summons," he said, and passed the note to his friend. The young master's grey eyes skimmed it. Thoughtfully he stroked his golden beard. "You'll not go?" he said, between question and assertion. "Why not? Haven't I been a daily visitor at the fort...?" "But it'll be about the Old Wolf that he wants to see you. It gives him a grievance at last. You know, Peter, that it is Lord Julian alone has stood between Bishop and his hate of you. If now he can show that...." "What if he can?" Blood interrupted carelessly. "Shall I be in greater danger ashore than aboard, now that we've but fifty men left, and they lukewarm rogues who would as soon serve the King as me? Jeremy, dear lad, the Arabella's a prisoner here, bedad, 'twixt the fort there and the fleet yonder. Don't be forgetting that." Jeremy clenched his hands. "Why did ye let Wolverstone and the others go?" he cried, with a touch of bitterness. "You should have seen the danger." "How could I in honesty have detained them? It was in the bargain. Besides, how could their staying have helped me?" And as Pitt did not answer him: "Ye see?" he said, and shrugged. "I'll be getting my hat and cane and sword, and go ashore in the cock-boat. See it manned for me." "Ye're going to deliver yourself into Bishop's hands," Pitt warned him. "Well, well, maybe he'll not find me quite so easy to grasp as he imagines. There's a thorn or two left on me." And with a laugh Blood departed to his cabin. Jeremy Pitt answered the laugh with an oath. A moment he stood irresolute where Blood had left him. Then slowly, reluctance dragging at his feet, he went down the companion to give the order for the cock-boat. "If anything should happen to you, Peter," he said, as Blood was going over the side, "Colonel Bishop had better look to himself. These fifty lads may be lukewarm at present, as you say, but--sink me!--they'll be anything but lukewarm if there's a breach of faith." "And what should be happening to me, Jeremy? Sure, now, I'll be back for dinner, so I will." Blood climbed down into the waiting boat. But laugh though he might, he knew as well as Pitt that in going ashore that morning he carried his life in his hands. Because of this, it may have been that when he stepped on to the narrow mole, in the shadow of the shallow outer wall of the fort through whose crenels were thrust the black noses of its heavy guns, he gave order that the boat should stay for him at that spot. He realized that he might have to retreat in a hurry. Walking leisurely, he skirted the embattled wall, and passed through the great gates into the courtyard. Half-a-dozen soldiers lounged there, and in the shadow cast by the wall, Major Mallard, the Commandant, was slowly pacing. He stopped short at sight of Captain Blood, and saluted him, as was his due, but the smile that lifted the officer's stiff mostachios was grimly sardonic. Peter Blood's attention, however, was elsewhere. On his right stretched a spacious garden, beyond which rose the white house that was the residence of the Deputy-Governor. In that garden's main avenue, that was fringed with palm and sandalwood, he had caught sight of Miss Bishop alone. He crossed the courtyard with suddenly lengthened stride. "Good-morning to ye, ma'am," was his greeting as he overtook her; and hat in hand now, he added on a note of protest: "Sure, it's nothing less than uncharitable to make me run in this heat." "Why do you run, then?" she asked him coolly, standing slim and straight before him, all in white and very maidenly save in her unnatural composure. "I am pressed," she informed him. "So you will forgive me if I do not stay." "You were none so pressed until I came," he protested, and if his thin lips smiled, his blue eyes were oddly hard. "Since you perceive it, sir, I wonder that you trouble to be so insistent." That crossed the swords between them, and it was against Blood's instincts to avoid an engagement. "Faith, you explain yourself after a fashion," said he. "But since it was more or less in your service that I donned the King's coat, you should suffer it to cover the thief and pirate." She shrugged and turned aside, in some resentment and some regret. Fearing to betray the latter, she took refuge in the former. "I do my best," said she. "So that ye can be charitable in some ways!" He laughed softly. "Glory be, now, I should be thankful for so much. Maybe I'm presumptuous. But I can't forget that when I was no better than a slave in your uncle's household in Barbados, ye used me with a certain kindness." "Why not? In those days you had some claim upon my kindness. You were just an unfortunate gentleman then." "And what else would you be calling me now?" "Hardly unfortunate. We have heard of your good fortune on the seas--how your luck has passed into a byword. And we have heard other things: of your good fortune in other directions." She spoke hastily, the thought of Mademoiselle d'Ogeron in her mind. And instantly would have recalled the words had she been able. But Peter Blood swept them lightly aside, reading into them none of her meaning, as she feared he would. "Aye--a deal of lies, devil a doubt, as I could prove to you." "I cannot think why you should trouble to put yourself on your defence," she discouraged him. "So that ye may think less badly of me than you do." "What I think of you can be a very little matter to you, sir." This was a disarming stroke. He abandoned combat for expostulation. "Can ye say that now? Can ye say that, beholding me in this livery of a service I despise? Didn't ye tell me that I might redeem the past? It's little enough I am concerned to redeem the past save only in your eyes. In my own I've done nothing at all that I am ashamed of, considering the provocation I received." Her glance faltered, and fell away before his own that was so intent. "I... I can't think why you should speak to me like this," she said, with less than her earlier assurance. "Ah, now, can't ye, indeed?" he cried. "Sure, then, I'll be telling ye." "Oh, please." There was real alarm in her voice. "I realize fully what you did, and I realize that partly, at least, you may have been urged by consideration for myself. Believe me, I am very grateful. I shall always be grateful." "But if it's also your intention always to think of me as a thief and a pirate, faith, ye may keep your gratitude for all the good it's like to do me." A livelier colour crept into her cheeks. There was a perceptible heave of the slight breast that faintly swelled the flimsy bodice of white silk. But if she resented his tone and his words, she stifled her resentment. She realized that perhaps she had, herself, provoked his anger. She honestly desired to make amends. "You are mistaken," she began. "It isn't that." But they were fated to misunderstand each other. Jealousy, that troubler of reason, had been over-busy with his wits as it had with hers. "What is it, then?" quoth he, and added the question: "Lord Julian?" She started, and stared at him blankly indignant now. "Och, be frank with me," he urged her, unpardonably. "'Twill be a kindness, so it will." For a moment she stood before him with quickened breathing, the colour ebbing and flowing in her cheeks. Then she looked past him, and tilted her chin forward. "You... you are quite insufferable," she said. "I beg that you will let me pass." He stepped aside, and with the broad feathered hat which he still held in his hand, he waved her on towards the house. "I'll not be detaining you any longer, ma'am. After all, the cursed thing I did for nothing can be undone. Ye'll remember afterwards that it was your hardness drove me." She moved to depart, then checked, and faced him again. It was she now who was on her defence, her voice quivering with indignation. "You take that tone! You dare to take that tone!" she cried, astounding him by her sudden vehemence. "You have the effrontery to upbraid me because I will not take your hands when I know how they are stained; when I know you for a murderer and worse?" He stared at her open-mouthed. "A murderer--I?" he said at last. "Must I name your victims? Did you not murder Levasseur?" "Levasseur?" He smiled a little. "So they've told you about that!" "Do you deny it?" "I killed him, it is true. I can remember killing another man in circumstances that were very similar. That was in Bridgetown on the night of the Spanish raid. Mary Traill would tell you of it. She was present." He clapped his hat on his head with a certain abrupt fierceness, and strode angrily away, before she could answer or even grasp the full significance of what he had said. CHAPTER XXIII. HOSTAGES Peter Blood stood in the pillared portico of Government House, and with unseeing eyes that were laden with pain and anger, stared out across the great harbour of Port Royal to the green hills rising from the farther shore and the ridge of the Blue Mountains beyond, showing hazily through the quivering heat. He was aroused by the return of the negro who had gone to announce him, and following now this slave, he made his way through the house to the wide piazza behind it, in whose shade Colonel Bishop and my Lord Julian Wade took what little air there was. "So ye've come," the Deputy-Governor hailed him, and followed the greeting by a series of grunts of vague but apparently ill-humoured import. He did not trouble to rise, not even when Lord Julian, obeying the instincts of finer breeding, set him the example. From under scowling brows the wealthy Barbados planter considered his sometime slave, who, hat in hand, leaning lightly upon his long beribboned cane, revealed nothing in his countenance of the anger which was being steadily nourished by this cavalier reception. At last, with scowling brow and in self-sufficient tones, Colonel Bishop delivered himself. "I have sent for you, Captain Blood, because of certain news that has just reached me. I am informed that yesterday evening a frigate left the harbour having on board your associate Wolverstone and a hundred men of the hundred and fifty that were serving under you. His lordship and I shall be glad to have your explanation of how you came to permit that departure." "Permit?" quoth Blood. "I ordered it." The answer left Bishop speechless for a moment. Then: "You ordered it?" he said in accents of unbelief, whilst Lord Julian raised his eyebrows. "'Swounds! Perhaps you'll explain yourself? Whither has Wolverstone gone?" "To Tortuga. He's gone with a message to the officers commanding the other four ships of the fleet that is awaiting me there, telling them what's happened and why they are no longer to expect me." Bishop's great face seemed to swell and its high colour to deepen. He swung to Lord Julian. "You hear that, my lord? Deliberately he has let Wolverstone loose upon the seas again--Wolverstone, the worst of all that gang of pirates after himself. I hope your lordship begins at last to perceive the folly of granting the King's commission to such a man as this against all my counsels. Why, this thing is... it's just mutiny... treason! By God! It's matter for a court-martial." "Will you cease your blather of mutiny and treason and courts-martial?" Blood put on his hat, and sat down unbidden. "I have sent Wolverstone to inform Hagthorpe and Christian and Yberville and the rest of my lads that they've one clear month in which to follow my example, quit piracy, and get back to their boucans or their logwood, or else sail out of the Caribbean Sea. That's what I've done." "But the men?" his lordship interposed in his level, cultured voice. "This hundred men that Wolverstone has taken with him?" "They are those of my crew who have no taste for King James's service, and have preferred to seek work of other kinds. It was in our compact, my lord, that there should be no constraining of my men." "I don't remember it," said his lordship, with sincerity. Blood looked at him in surprise. Then he shrugged. "Faith, I'm not to blame for your lordship's poor memory. I say that it was so; and I don't lie. I've never found it necessary. In any case ye couldn't have supposed that I should consent to anything different." And then the Deputy-Governor exploded. "You have given those damned rascals in Tortuga this warning so that they may escape! That is what you have done. That is how you abuse the commission that has saved your own neck!" Peter Blood considered him steadily, his face impassive. "I will remind you," he said at last, very quietly, "that the object in view was--leaving out of account your own appetites which, as every one knows, are just those of a hangman--to rid the Caribbean of buccaneers. Now, I've taken the most effective way of accomplishing that object. The knowledge that I've entered the King's service should in itself go far towards disbanding the fleet of which I was until lately the admiral." "I see!" sneered the Deputy-Governor malevolently. "And if it does not?" "It will be time enough then to consider what else is to be done." Lord Julian forestalled a fresh outburst on the part of Bishop. "It is possible," he said, "that my Lord Sunderland will be satisfied, provided that the solution is such as you promise." It was a courteous, conciliatory speech. Urged by friendliness towards Blood and understanding of the difficult position in which the buccaneer found himself, his lordship was disposed to take his stand upon the letter of his instructions. Therefore he now held out a friendly hand to help him over the latest and most difficult obstacle which Blood himself had enabled Bishop to place in the way of his redemption. Unfortunately the last person from whom Peter Blood desired assistance at that moment was this young nobleman, whom he regarded with the jaundiced eyes of jealousy. "Anyway," he answered, with a suggestion of defiance and more than a suggestion of a sneer, "it's the most ye should expect from me, and certainly it's the most ye'll get." His lordship frowned, and dabbed his lips with a handkerchief. "I don't think that I quite like the way you put it. Indeed, upon reflection, Captain Blood, I am sure that I do not." "I am sorry for that, so I am," said Blood impudently. "But there it is. I'm not on that account concerned to modify it." His lordship's pale eyes opened a little wider. Languidly he raised his eyebrows. "Ah!" he said. "You're a prodigiously uncivil fellow. You disappoint me, sir. I had formed the notion that you might be a gentleman." "And that's not your lordship's only mistake," Bishop cut in. "You made a worse when you gave him the King's commission, and so sheltered the rascal from the gallows I had prepared for him in Port Royal." "Aye--but the worst mistake of all in this matter of commissions," said Blood to his lordship, "was the one that trade this greasy slaver Deputy-Governor of Jamaica instead of its hangman, which is the office for which he's by nature fitted." "Captain Blood!" said his lordship sharply in reproof. "Upon my soul and honour, sir, you go much too far. You are...." But here Bishop interrupted him. He had heaved himself to his feet, at last, and was venting his fury in unprintable abuse. Captain Blood, who had also risen, stood apparently impassive, for the storm to spend itself. When at last this happened, he addressed himself quietly to Lord Julian, as if Colonel Bishop had not spoken. "Your lordship was about to say?" he asked, with challenging smoothness. But his lordship had by now recovered his habitual composure, and was again disposed to be conciliatory. He laughed and shrugged. "Faith! here's a deal of unnecessary heat," said he. "And God knows this plaguey climate provides enough of that. Perhaps, Colonel Bishop, you are a little uncompromising; and you, sir, are certainly a deal too peppery. I have said, speaking on behalf of my Lord Sunderland, that I am content to await the result of your experiment." But Bishop's fury had by now reached a stage in which it was not to be restrained. "Are you, indeed?" he roared. "Well, then, I am not. This is a matter in which your lordship must allow me to be the better judge. And, anyhow, I'll take the risk of acting on my own responsibility." Lord Julian abandoned the struggle. He smiled wearily, shrugged, and waved a hand in implied resignation. The Deputy-Governor stormed on. "Since my lord here has given you a commission, I can't regularly deal with you out of hand for piracy as you deserve. But you shall answer before a court-martial for your action in the matter of Wolverstone, and take the consequences." "I see," said Blood. "Now we come to it. And it's yourself as Deputy-Governor will preside over that same court-martial. So that ye can wipe off old scores by hanging me, it's little ye care how ye do it!" He laughed, and added: "Praemonitus, praemunitus." "What shall that mean?" quoth Lord Julian sharply. "I had imagined that your lordship would have had some education." He was at pains, you see, to be provocative. "It's not the literal meaning I am asking, sir," said Lord Julian, with frosty dignity. "I want to know what you desire me to understand?" "I'll leave your lordship guessing," said Blood. "And I'll be wishing ye both a very good day." He swept off his feathered hat, and made them a leg very elegantly. "Before you go," said Bishop, "and to save you from any idle rashness, I'll tell you that the Harbour-Master and the Commandant have their orders. You don't leave Port Royal, my fine gallows bird. Damme, I mean to provide you with permanent moorings here, in Execution Dock." Peter Blood stiffened, and his vivid blue

buccaneers

How many times the word 'buccaneers' appears in the text?

But what did I tell ye? Ye see, the young gentleman's under a misapprehension entirely. Perhaps it'll save broken bones if your lordship explains just who and what I am." Lord Julian advanced a step and bowed perfunctorily and rather disdainfully to that very disdainful but now dumbfounded officer. Pitt, who watched the scene from the quarter-deck rail, tells us that his lordship was as grave as a parson at a hanging. But I suspect this gravity for a mask under which Lord Julian was secretly amused. "I have the honour to inform you, sir," he said stiffly, "that Captain Blood holds a commission in the King's service under the seal of my Lord Sunderland, His Majesty's Secretary of State." Captain Calverley's face empurpled; his eyes bulged. The buccaneers in the background chuckled and crowed and swore among themselves in their relish of this comedy. For a long moment Calverley stared in silence at his lordship, observing the costly elegance of his dress, his air of calm assurance, and his cold, fastidious speech, all of which savoured distinctly of the great world to which he belonged. "And who the devil may you be?" he exploded at last. Colder still and more distant than ever grew his lordship's voice. "You're not very civil, sir, as I have already noticed. My name is Wade--Lord Julian Wade. I am His Majesty's envoy to these barbarous parts, and my Lord Sunderland's near kinsman. Colonel Bishop has been notified of my coming." The sudden change in Calverley's manner at Lord Julian's mention of his name showed that the notification had been received, and that he had knowledge of it. "I... I believe that he has," said Calverley, between doubt and suspicion. "That is: that he has been notified of the coming of Lord Julian Wade. But... but... aboard this ship...?" The officer made a gesture of helplessness, and, surrendering to his bewilderment, fell abruptly silent. "I was coming out on the Royal Mary...." "That is what we were advised." "But the Royal Mary fell a victim to a Spanish privateer, and I might never have arrived at all but for the gallantry of Captain Blood, who rescued me." Light broke upon the darkness of Calverley's mind. "I see. I understand." "I will take leave to doubt it." His lordship's tone abated nothing of its asperity. "But that can wait. If Captain Blood will show you his commission, perhaps that will set all doubts at rest, and we may proceed. I shall be glad to reach Port Royal." Captain Blood thrust a parchment under Calverley's bulging eyes. The officer scanned it, particularly the seals and signature. He stepped back, a baffled, impotent man. He bowed helplessly. "I must return to Colonel Bishop for my orders," he informed them. At that moment a lane was opened in the ranks of the men, and through this came Miss Bishop followed by her octoroon woman. Over his shoulder Captain Blood observed her approach. "Perhaps, since Colonel Bishop is with you, you will convey his niece to him. Miss Bishop was aboard the Royal Mary also, and I rescued her together with his lordship. She will be able to acquaint her uncle with the details of that and of the present state of affairs." Swept thus from surprise to surprise, Captain Calverley could do no more than bow again. "As for me," said Lord Julian, with intent to make Miss Bishop's departure free from all interference on the part of the buccaneers, "I shall remain aboard the Arabella until we reach Port Royal. My compliments to Colonel Bishop. Say that I look forward to making his acquaintance there." CHAPTER XXII. HOSTILITIES In the great harbour of Port Royal, spacious enough to have given moorings to all the ships of all the navies of the world, the Arabella rode at anchor. Almost she had the air of a prisoner, for a quarter of a mile ahead, to starboard, rose the lofty, massive single round tower of the fort, whilst a couple of cables'-length astern, and to larboard, rode the six men-of-war that composed the Jamaica squadron. Abeam with the Arabella, across the harbour, were the flat-fronted white buildings of that imposing city that came down to the very water's edge. Behind these the red roofs rose like terraces, marking the gentle slope upon which the city was built, dominated here by a turret, there by a spire, and behind these again a range of green hills with for ultimate background a sky that was like a dome of polished steel. On a cane day-bed that had been set for him on the quarter-deck, sheltered from the dazzling, blistering sunshine by an improvised awning of brown sailcloth, lounged Peter Blood, a calf-bound, well-thumbed copy of Horace's Odes neglected in his hands. From immediately below him came the swish of mops and the gurgle of water in the scuppers, for it was still early morning, and under the directions of Hayton, the bo'sun, the swabbers were at work in the waist and forecastle. Despite the heat and the stagnant air, one of the toilers found breath to croak a ribald buccaneering ditty: "For we laid her board and board, And we put her to the sword, And we sank her in the deep blue sea. So It's heigh-ho, and heave-a-ho! Who'll sail for the Main with me?" Blood fetched a sigh, and the ghost of a smile played over his lean, sun-tanned face. Then the black brows came together above the vivid blue eyes, and thought swiftly closed the door upon his immediate surroundings. Things had not sped at all well with him in the past fortnight since his acceptance of the King's commission. There had been trouble with Bishop from the moment of landing. As Blood and Lord Julian had stepped ashore together, they had been met by a man who took no pains to dissemble his chagrin at the turn of events and his determination to change it. He awaited them on the mole, supported by a group of officers. "You are Lord Julian Wade, I understand," was his truculent greeting. For Blood at the moment he had nothing beyond a malignant glance. Lord Julian bowed. "I take it I have the honour to address Colonel Bishop, Deputy-Governor of Jamaica." It was almost as if his lordship were giving the Colonel a lesson in deportment. The Colonel accepted it, and belatedly bowed, removing his broad hat. Then he plunged on. "You have granted, I am told, the King's commission to this man." His very tone betrayed the bitterness of his rancour. "Your motives were no doubt worthy... your gratitude to him for delivering you from the Spaniards. But the thing itself is unthinkable, my lord. The commission must be cancelled." "I don't think I understand," said Lord Julian distantly. "To be sure you don't, or you'd never ha' done it. The fellow's bubbled you. Why, he's first a rebel, then an escaped slave, and lastly a bloody pirate. I've been hunting him this year past." "I assure you, sir, that I was fully informed of all. I do not grant the King's commission lightly." "Don't you, by God! And what else do you call this? But as His Majesty's Deputy-Governor of Jamaica, I'll take leave to correct your mistake in my own way." "Ah! And what way may that be?" "There's a gallows waiting for this rascal in Port Royal." Blood would have intervened at that, but Lord Julian forestalled him. "I see, sir, that you do not yet quite apprehend the circumstances. If it is a mistake to grant Captain Blood a commission, the mistake is not mine. I am acting upon the instructions of my Lord Sunderland; and with a full knowledge of all the facts, his lordship expressly designated Captain Blood for this commission if Captain Blood could be persuaded to accept it." Colonel Bishop's mouth fell open in surprise and dismay. "Lord Sunderland designated him?" he asked, amazed. "Expressly." His lordship waited a moment for a reply. None coming from the speechless Deputy-Governor, he asked a question: "Would you still venture to describe the matter as a mistake, sir? And dare you take the risk of correcting it?" "I... I had not dreamed...." "I understand, sir. Let me present Captain Blood." Perforce Bishop must put on the best face he could command. But that it was no more than a mask for his fury and his venom was plain to all. From that unpromising beginning matters had not improved; rather had they grown worse. Blood's thoughts were upon this and other things as he lounged there on the day-bed. He had been a fortnight in Port Royal, his ship virtually a unit now in the Jamaica squadron. And when the news of it reached Tortuga and the buccaneers who awaited his return, the name of Captain Blood, which had stood so high among the Brethren of the Coast, would become a byword, a thing of execration, and before all was done his life might pay forfeit for what would be accounted a treacherous defection. And for what had he placed himself in this position? For the sake of a girl who avoided him so persistently and intentionally that he must assume that she still regarded him with aversion. He had scarcely been vouchsafed a glimpse of her in all this fortnight, although with that in view for his main object he had daily haunted her uncle's residence, and daily braved the unmasked hostility and baffled rancour in which Colonel Bishop held him. Nor was that the worst of it. He was allowed plainly to perceive that it was the graceful, elegant young trifler from St. James's, Lord Julian Wade, to whom her every moment was devoted. And what chance had he, a desperate adventurer with a record of outlawry, against such a rival as that, a man of parts, moreover, as he was bound to admit? You conceive the bitterness of his soul. He beheld himself to be as the dog in the fable that had dropped the substance to snatch at a delusive shadow. He sought comfort in a line on the open page before him: "levius fit patientia quicquid corrigere est nefas." Sought it, but hardly found it. A boat that had approached unnoticed from the shore came scraping and bumping against the great red hull of the Arabella, and a raucous voice sent up a hailing shout. From the ship's belfry two silvery notes rang clear and sharp, and a moment or two later the bo'sun's whistle shrilled a long wail. The sounds disturbed Captain Blood from his disgruntled musings. He rose, tall, active, and arrestingly elegant in a scarlet, gold-laced coat that advertised his new position, and slipping the slender volume into his pocket, advanced to the carved rail of the quarter-deck, just as Jeremy Pitt was setting foot upon the companion. "A note for you from the Deputy-Governor," said the master shortly, as he proffered a folded sheet. Blood broke the seal, and read. Pitt, loosely clad in shirt and breeches, leaned against the rail the while and watched him, unmistakable concern imprinted on his fair, frank countenance. Blood uttered a short laugh, and curled his lip. "It is a very peremptory summons," he said, and passed the note to his friend. The young master's grey eyes skimmed it. Thoughtfully he stroked his golden beard. "You'll not go?" he said, between question and assertion. "Why not? Haven't I been a daily visitor at the fort...?" "But it'll be about the Old Wolf that he wants to see you. It gives him a grievance at last. You know, Peter, that it is Lord Julian alone has stood between Bishop and his hate of you. If now he can show that...." "What if he can?" Blood interrupted carelessly. "Shall I be in greater danger ashore than aboard, now that we've but fifty men left, and they lukewarm rogues who would as soon serve the King as me? Jeremy, dear lad, the Arabella's a prisoner here, bedad, 'twixt the fort there and the fleet yonder. Don't be forgetting that." Jeremy clenched his hands. "Why did ye let Wolverstone and the others go?" he cried, with a touch of bitterness. "You should have seen the danger." "How could I in honesty have detained them? It was in the bargain. Besides, how could their staying have helped me?" And as Pitt did not answer him: "Ye see?" he said, and shrugged. "I'll be getting my hat and cane and sword, and go ashore in the cock-boat. See it manned for me." "Ye're going to deliver yourself into Bishop's hands," Pitt warned him. "Well, well, maybe he'll not find me quite so easy to grasp as he imagines. There's a thorn or two left on me." And with a laugh Blood departed to his cabin. Jeremy Pitt answered the laugh with an oath. A moment he stood irresolute where Blood had left him. Then slowly, reluctance dragging at his feet, he went down the companion to give the order for the cock-boat. "If anything should happen to you, Peter," he said, as Blood was going over the side, "Colonel Bishop had better look to himself. These fifty lads may be lukewarm at present, as you say, but--sink me!--they'll be anything but lukewarm if there's a breach of faith." "And what should be happening to me, Jeremy? Sure, now, I'll be back for dinner, so I will." Blood climbed down into the waiting boat. But laugh though he might, he knew as well as Pitt that in going ashore that morning he carried his life in his hands. Because of this, it may have been that when he stepped on to the narrow mole, in the shadow of the shallow outer wall of the fort through whose crenels were thrust the black noses of its heavy guns, he gave order that the boat should stay for him at that spot. He realized that he might have to retreat in a hurry. Walking leisurely, he skirted the embattled wall, and passed through the great gates into the courtyard. Half-a-dozen soldiers lounged there, and in the shadow cast by the wall, Major Mallard, the Commandant, was slowly pacing. He stopped short at sight of Captain Blood, and saluted him, as was his due, but the smile that lifted the officer's stiff mostachios was grimly sardonic. Peter Blood's attention, however, was elsewhere. On his right stretched a spacious garden, beyond which rose the white house that was the residence of the Deputy-Governor. In that garden's main avenue, that was fringed with palm and sandalwood, he had caught sight of Miss Bishop alone. He crossed the courtyard with suddenly lengthened stride. "Good-morning to ye, ma'am," was his greeting as he overtook her; and hat in hand now, he added on a note of protest: "Sure, it's nothing less than uncharitable to make me run in this heat." "Why do you run, then?" she asked him coolly, standing slim and straight before him, all in white and very maidenly save in her unnatural composure. "I am pressed," she informed him. "So you will forgive me if I do not stay." "You were none so pressed until I came," he protested, and if his thin lips smiled, his blue eyes were oddly hard. "Since you perceive it, sir, I wonder that you trouble to be so insistent." That crossed the swords between them, and it was against Blood's instincts to avoid an engagement. "Faith, you explain yourself after a fashion," said he. "But since it was more or less in your service that I donned the King's coat, you should suffer it to cover the thief and pirate." She shrugged and turned aside, in some resentment and some regret. Fearing to betray the latter, she took refuge in the former. "I do my best," said she. "So that ye can be charitable in some ways!" He laughed softly. "Glory be, now, I should be thankful for so much. Maybe I'm presumptuous. But I can't forget that when I was no better than a slave in your uncle's household in Barbados, ye used me with a certain kindness." "Why not? In those days you had some claim upon my kindness. You were just an unfortunate gentleman then." "And what else would you be calling me now?" "Hardly unfortunate. We have heard of your good fortune on the seas--how your luck has passed into a byword. And we have heard other things: of your good fortune in other directions." She spoke hastily, the thought of Mademoiselle d'Ogeron in her mind. And instantly would have recalled the words had she been able. But Peter Blood swept them lightly aside, reading into them none of her meaning, as she feared he would. "Aye--a deal of lies, devil a doubt, as I could prove to you." "I cannot think why you should trouble to put yourself on your defence," she discouraged him. "So that ye may think less badly of me than you do." "What I think of you can be a very little matter to you, sir." This was a disarming stroke. He abandoned combat for expostulation. "Can ye say that now? Can ye say that, beholding me in this livery of a service I despise? Didn't ye tell me that I might redeem the past? It's little enough I am concerned to redeem the past save only in your eyes. In my own I've done nothing at all that I am ashamed of, considering the provocation I received." Her glance faltered, and fell away before his own that was so intent. "I... I can't think why you should speak to me like this," she said, with less than her earlier assurance. "Ah, now, can't ye, indeed?" he cried. "Sure, then, I'll be telling ye." "Oh, please." There was real alarm in her voice. "I realize fully what you did, and I realize that partly, at least, you may have been urged by consideration for myself. Believe me, I am very grateful. I shall always be grateful." "But if it's also your intention always to think of me as a thief and a pirate, faith, ye may keep your gratitude for all the good it's like to do me." A livelier colour crept into her cheeks. There was a perceptible heave of the slight breast that faintly swelled the flimsy bodice of white silk. But if she resented his tone and his words, she stifled her resentment. She realized that perhaps she had, herself, provoked his anger. She honestly desired to make amends. "You are mistaken," she began. "It isn't that." But they were fated to misunderstand each other. Jealousy, that troubler of reason, had been over-busy with his wits as it had with hers. "What is it, then?" quoth he, and added the question: "Lord Julian?" She started, and stared at him blankly indignant now. "Och, be frank with me," he urged her, unpardonably. "'Twill be a kindness, so it will." For a moment she stood before him with quickened breathing, the colour ebbing and flowing in her cheeks. Then she looked past him, and tilted her chin forward. "You... you are quite insufferable," she said. "I beg that you will let me pass." He stepped aside, and with the broad feathered hat which he still held in his hand, he waved her on towards the house. "I'll not be detaining you any longer, ma'am. After all, the cursed thing I did for nothing can be undone. Ye'll remember afterwards that it was your hardness drove me." She moved to depart, then checked, and faced him again. It was she now who was on her defence, her voice quivering with indignation. "You take that tone! You dare to take that tone!" she cried, astounding him by her sudden vehemence. "You have the effrontery to upbraid me because I will not take your hands when I know how they are stained; when I know you for a murderer and worse?" He stared at her open-mouthed. "A murderer--I?" he said at last. "Must I name your victims? Did you not murder Levasseur?" "Levasseur?" He smiled a little. "So they've told you about that!" "Do you deny it?" "I killed him, it is true. I can remember killing another man in circumstances that were very similar. That was in Bridgetown on the night of the Spanish raid. Mary Traill would tell you of it. She was present." He clapped his hat on his head with a certain abrupt fierceness, and strode angrily away, before she could answer or even grasp the full significance of what he had said. CHAPTER XXIII. HOSTAGES Peter Blood stood in the pillared portico of Government House, and with unseeing eyes that were laden with pain and anger, stared out across the great harbour of Port Royal to the green hills rising from the farther shore and the ridge of the Blue Mountains beyond, showing hazily through the quivering heat. He was aroused by the return of the negro who had gone to announce him, and following now this slave, he made his way through the house to the wide piazza behind it, in whose shade Colonel Bishop and my Lord Julian Wade took what little air there was. "So ye've come," the Deputy-Governor hailed him, and followed the greeting by a series of grunts of vague but apparently ill-humoured import. He did not trouble to rise, not even when Lord Julian, obeying the instincts of finer breeding, set him the example. From under scowling brows the wealthy Barbados planter considered his sometime slave, who, hat in hand, leaning lightly upon his long beribboned cane, revealed nothing in his countenance of the anger which was being steadily nourished by this cavalier reception. At last, with scowling brow and in self-sufficient tones, Colonel Bishop delivered himself. "I have sent for you, Captain Blood, because of certain news that has just reached me. I am informed that yesterday evening a frigate left the harbour having on board your associate Wolverstone and a hundred men of the hundred and fifty that were serving under you. His lordship and I shall be glad to have your explanation of how you came to permit that departure." "Permit?" quoth Blood. "I ordered it." The answer left Bishop speechless for a moment. Then: "You ordered it?" he said in accents of unbelief, whilst Lord Julian raised his eyebrows. "'Swounds! Perhaps you'll explain yourself? Whither has Wolverstone gone?" "To Tortuga. He's gone with a message to the officers commanding the other four ships of the fleet that is awaiting me there, telling them what's happened and why they are no longer to expect me." Bishop's great face seemed to swell and its high colour to deepen. He swung to Lord Julian. "You hear that, my lord? Deliberately he has let Wolverstone loose upon the seas again--Wolverstone, the worst of all that gang of pirates after himself. I hope your lordship begins at last to perceive the folly of granting the King's commission to such a man as this against all my counsels. Why, this thing is... it's just mutiny... treason! By God! It's matter for a court-martial." "Will you cease your blather of mutiny and treason and courts-martial?" Blood put on his hat, and sat down unbidden. "I have sent Wolverstone to inform Hagthorpe and Christian and Yberville and the rest of my lads that they've one clear month in which to follow my example, quit piracy, and get back to their boucans or their logwood, or else sail out of the Caribbean Sea. That's what I've done." "But the men?" his lordship interposed in his level, cultured voice. "This hundred men that Wolverstone has taken with him?" "They are those of my crew who have no taste for King James's service, and have preferred to seek work of other kinds. It was in our compact, my lord, that there should be no constraining of my men." "I don't remember it," said his lordship, with sincerity. Blood looked at him in surprise. Then he shrugged. "Faith, I'm not to blame for your lordship's poor memory. I say that it was so; and I don't lie. I've never found it necessary. In any case ye couldn't have supposed that I should consent to anything different." And then the Deputy-Governor exploded. "You have given those damned rascals in Tortuga this warning so that they may escape! That is what you have done. That is how you abuse the commission that has saved your own neck!" Peter Blood considered him steadily, his face impassive. "I will remind you," he said at last, very quietly, "that the object in view was--leaving out of account your own appetites which, as every one knows, are just those of a hangman--to rid the Caribbean of buccaneers. Now, I've taken the most effective way of accomplishing that object. The knowledge that I've entered the King's service should in itself go far towards disbanding the fleet of which I was until lately the admiral." "I see!" sneered the Deputy-Governor malevolently. "And if it does not?" "It will be time enough then to consider what else is to be done." Lord Julian forestalled a fresh outburst on the part of Bishop. "It is possible," he said, "that my Lord Sunderland will be satisfied, provided that the solution is such as you promise." It was a courteous, conciliatory speech. Urged by friendliness towards Blood and understanding of the difficult position in which the buccaneer found himself, his lordship was disposed to take his stand upon the letter of his instructions. Therefore he now held out a friendly hand to help him over the latest and most difficult obstacle which Blood himself had enabled Bishop to place in the way of his redemption. Unfortunately the last person from whom Peter Blood desired assistance at that moment was this young nobleman, whom he regarded with the jaundiced eyes of jealousy. "Anyway," he answered, with a suggestion of defiance and more than a suggestion of a sneer, "it's the most ye should expect from me, and certainly it's the most ye'll get." His lordship frowned, and dabbed his lips with a handkerchief. "I don't think that I quite like the way you put it. Indeed, upon reflection, Captain Blood, I am sure that I do not." "I am sorry for that, so I am," said Blood impudently. "But there it is. I'm not on that account concerned to modify it." His lordship's pale eyes opened a little wider. Languidly he raised his eyebrows. "Ah!" he said. "You're a prodigiously uncivil fellow. You disappoint me, sir. I had formed the notion that you might be a gentleman." "And that's not your lordship's only mistake," Bishop cut in. "You made a worse when you gave him the King's commission, and so sheltered the rascal from the gallows I had prepared for him in Port Royal." "Aye--but the worst mistake of all in this matter of commissions," said Blood to his lordship, "was the one that trade this greasy slaver Deputy-Governor of Jamaica instead of its hangman, which is the office for which he's by nature fitted." "Captain Blood!" said his lordship sharply in reproof. "Upon my soul and honour, sir, you go much too far. You are...." But here Bishop interrupted him. He had heaved himself to his feet, at last, and was venting his fury in unprintable abuse. Captain Blood, who had also risen, stood apparently impassive, for the storm to spend itself. When at last this happened, he addressed himself quietly to Lord Julian, as if Colonel Bishop had not spoken. "Your lordship was about to say?" he asked, with challenging smoothness. But his lordship had by now recovered his habitual composure, and was again disposed to be conciliatory. He laughed and shrugged. "Faith! here's a deal of unnecessary heat," said he. "And God knows this plaguey climate provides enough of that. Perhaps, Colonel Bishop, you are a little uncompromising; and you, sir, are certainly a deal too peppery. I have said, speaking on behalf of my Lord Sunderland, that I am content to await the result of your experiment." But Bishop's fury had by now reached a stage in which it was not to be restrained. "Are you, indeed?" he roared. "Well, then, I am not. This is a matter in which your lordship must allow me to be the better judge. And, anyhow, I'll take the risk of acting on my own responsibility." Lord Julian abandoned the struggle. He smiled wearily, shrugged, and waved a hand in implied resignation. The Deputy-Governor stormed on. "Since my lord here has given you a commission, I can't regularly deal with you out of hand for piracy as you deserve. But you shall answer before a court-martial for your action in the matter of Wolverstone, and take the consequences." "I see," said Blood. "Now we come to it. And it's yourself as Deputy-Governor will preside over that same court-martial. So that ye can wipe off old scores by hanging me, it's little ye care how ye do it!" He laughed, and added: "Praemonitus, praemunitus." "What shall that mean?" quoth Lord Julian sharply. "I had imagined that your lordship would have had some education." He was at pains, you see, to be provocative. "It's not the literal meaning I am asking, sir," said Lord Julian, with frosty dignity. "I want to know what you desire me to understand?" "I'll leave your lordship guessing," said Blood. "And I'll be wishing ye both a very good day." He swept off his feathered hat, and made them a leg very elegantly. "Before you go," said Bishop, "and to save you from any idle rashness, I'll tell you that the Harbour-Master and the Commandant have their orders. You don't leave Port Royal, my fine gallows bird. Damme, I mean to provide you with permanent moorings here, in Execution Dock." Peter Blood stiffened, and his vivid blue

lean

How many times the word 'lean' appears in the text?

But what did I tell ye? Ye see, the young gentleman's under a misapprehension entirely. Perhaps it'll save broken bones if your lordship explains just who and what I am." Lord Julian advanced a step and bowed perfunctorily and rather disdainfully to that very disdainful but now dumbfounded officer. Pitt, who watched the scene from the quarter-deck rail, tells us that his lordship was as grave as a parson at a hanging. But I suspect this gravity for a mask under which Lord Julian was secretly amused. "I have the honour to inform you, sir," he said stiffly, "that Captain Blood holds a commission in the King's service under the seal of my Lord Sunderland, His Majesty's Secretary of State." Captain Calverley's face empurpled; his eyes bulged. The buccaneers in the background chuckled and crowed and swore among themselves in their relish of this comedy. For a long moment Calverley stared in silence at his lordship, observing the costly elegance of his dress, his air of calm assurance, and his cold, fastidious speech, all of which savoured distinctly of the great world to which he belonged. "And who the devil may you be?" he exploded at last. Colder still and more distant than ever grew his lordship's voice. "You're not very civil, sir, as I have already noticed. My name is Wade--Lord Julian Wade. I am His Majesty's envoy to these barbarous parts, and my Lord Sunderland's near kinsman. Colonel Bishop has been notified of my coming." The sudden change in Calverley's manner at Lord Julian's mention of his name showed that the notification had been received, and that he had knowledge of it. "I... I believe that he has," said Calverley, between doubt and suspicion. "That is: that he has been notified of the coming of Lord Julian Wade. But... but... aboard this ship...?" The officer made a gesture of helplessness, and, surrendering to his bewilderment, fell abruptly silent. "I was coming out on the Royal Mary...." "That is what we were advised." "But the Royal Mary fell a victim to a Spanish privateer, and I might never have arrived at all but for the gallantry of Captain Blood, who rescued me." Light broke upon the darkness of Calverley's mind. "I see. I understand." "I will take leave to doubt it." His lordship's tone abated nothing of its asperity. "But that can wait. If Captain Blood will show you his commission, perhaps that will set all doubts at rest, and we may proceed. I shall be glad to reach Port Royal." Captain Blood thrust a parchment under Calverley's bulging eyes. The officer scanned it, particularly the seals and signature. He stepped back, a baffled, impotent man. He bowed helplessly. "I must return to Colonel Bishop for my orders," he informed them. At that moment a lane was opened in the ranks of the men, and through this came Miss Bishop followed by her octoroon woman. Over his shoulder Captain Blood observed her approach. "Perhaps, since Colonel Bishop is with you, you will convey his niece to him. Miss Bishop was aboard the Royal Mary also, and I rescued her together with his lordship. She will be able to acquaint her uncle with the details of that and of the present state of affairs." Swept thus from surprise to surprise, Captain Calverley could do no more than bow again. "As for me," said Lord Julian, with intent to make Miss Bishop's departure free from all interference on the part of the buccaneers, "I shall remain aboard the Arabella until we reach Port Royal. My compliments to Colonel Bishop. Say that I look forward to making his acquaintance there." CHAPTER XXII. HOSTILITIES In the great harbour of Port Royal, spacious enough to have given moorings to all the ships of all the navies of the world, the Arabella rode at anchor. Almost she had the air of a prisoner, for a quarter of a mile ahead, to starboard, rose the lofty, massive single round tower of the fort, whilst a couple of cables'-length astern, and to larboard, rode the six men-of-war that composed the Jamaica squadron. Abeam with the Arabella, across the harbour, were the flat-fronted white buildings of that imposing city that came down to the very water's edge. Behind these the red roofs rose like terraces, marking the gentle slope upon which the city was built, dominated here by a turret, there by a spire, and behind these again a range of green hills with for ultimate background a sky that was like a dome of polished steel. On a cane day-bed that had been set for him on the quarter-deck, sheltered from the dazzling, blistering sunshine by an improvised awning of brown sailcloth, lounged Peter Blood, a calf-bound, well-thumbed copy of Horace's Odes neglected in his hands. From immediately below him came the swish of mops and the gurgle of water in the scuppers, for it was still early morning, and under the directions of Hayton, the bo'sun, the swabbers were at work in the waist and forecastle. Despite the heat and the stagnant air, one of the toilers found breath to croak a ribald buccaneering ditty: "For we laid her board and board, And we put her to the sword, And we sank her in the deep blue sea. So It's heigh-ho, and heave-a-ho! Who'll sail for the Main with me?" Blood fetched a sigh, and the ghost of a smile played over his lean, sun-tanned face. Then the black brows came together above the vivid blue eyes, and thought swiftly closed the door upon his immediate surroundings. Things had not sped at all well with him in the past fortnight since his acceptance of the King's commission. There had been trouble with Bishop from the moment of landing. As Blood and Lord Julian had stepped ashore together, they had been met by a man who took no pains to dissemble his chagrin at the turn of events and his determination to change it. He awaited them on the mole, supported by a group of officers. "You are Lord Julian Wade, I understand," was his truculent greeting. For Blood at the moment he had nothing beyond a malignant glance. Lord Julian bowed. "I take it I have the honour to address Colonel Bishop, Deputy-Governor of Jamaica." It was almost as if his lordship were giving the Colonel a lesson in deportment. The Colonel accepted it, and belatedly bowed, removing his broad hat. Then he plunged on. "You have granted, I am told, the King's commission to this man." His very tone betrayed the bitterness of his rancour. "Your motives were no doubt worthy... your gratitude to him for delivering you from the Spaniards. But the thing itself is unthinkable, my lord. The commission must be cancelled." "I don't think I understand," said Lord Julian distantly. "To be sure you don't, or you'd never ha' done it. The fellow's bubbled you. Why, he's first a rebel, then an escaped slave, and lastly a bloody pirate. I've been hunting him this year past." "I assure you, sir, that I was fully informed of all. I do not grant the King's commission lightly." "Don't you, by God! And what else do you call this? But as His Majesty's Deputy-Governor of Jamaica, I'll take leave to correct your mistake in my own way." "Ah! And what way may that be?" "There's a gallows waiting for this rascal in Port Royal." Blood would have intervened at that, but Lord Julian forestalled him. "I see, sir, that you do not yet quite apprehend the circumstances. If it is a mistake to grant Captain Blood a commission, the mistake is not mine. I am acting upon the instructions of my Lord Sunderland; and with a full knowledge of all the facts, his lordship expressly designated Captain Blood for this commission if Captain Blood could be persuaded to accept it." Colonel Bishop's mouth fell open in surprise and dismay. "Lord Sunderland designated him?" he asked, amazed. "Expressly." His lordship waited a moment for a reply. None coming from the speechless Deputy-Governor, he asked a question: "Would you still venture to describe the matter as a mistake, sir? And dare you take the risk of correcting it?" "I... I had not dreamed...." "I understand, sir. Let me present Captain Blood." Perforce Bishop must put on the best face he could command. But that it was no more than a mask for his fury and his venom was plain to all. From that unpromising beginning matters had not improved; rather had they grown worse. Blood's thoughts were upon this and other things as he lounged there on the day-bed. He had been a fortnight in Port Royal, his ship virtually a unit now in the Jamaica squadron. And when the news of it reached Tortuga and the buccaneers who awaited his return, the name of Captain Blood, which had stood so high among the Brethren of the Coast, would become a byword, a thing of execration, and before all was done his life might pay forfeit for what would be accounted a treacherous defection. And for what had he placed himself in this position? For the sake of a girl who avoided him so persistently and intentionally that he must assume that she still regarded him with aversion. He had scarcely been vouchsafed a glimpse of her in all this fortnight, although with that in view for his main object he had daily haunted her uncle's residence, and daily braved the unmasked hostility and baffled rancour in which Colonel Bishop held him. Nor was that the worst of it. He was allowed plainly to perceive that it was the graceful, elegant young trifler from St. James's, Lord Julian Wade, to whom her every moment was devoted. And what chance had he, a desperate adventurer with a record of outlawry, against such a rival as that, a man of parts, moreover, as he was bound to admit? You conceive the bitterness of his soul. He beheld himself to be as the dog in the fable that had dropped the substance to snatch at a delusive shadow. He sought comfort in a line on the open page before him: "levius fit patientia quicquid corrigere est nefas." Sought it, but hardly found it. A boat that had approached unnoticed from the shore came scraping and bumping against the great red hull of the Arabella, and a raucous voice sent up a hailing shout. From the ship's belfry two silvery notes rang clear and sharp, and a moment or two later the bo'sun's whistle shrilled a long wail. The sounds disturbed Captain Blood from his disgruntled musings. He rose, tall, active, and arrestingly elegant in a scarlet, gold-laced coat that advertised his new position, and slipping the slender volume into his pocket, advanced to the carved rail of the quarter-deck, just as Jeremy Pitt was setting foot upon the companion. "A note for you from the Deputy-Governor," said the master shortly, as he proffered a folded sheet. Blood broke the seal, and read. Pitt, loosely clad in shirt and breeches, leaned against the rail the while and watched him, unmistakable concern imprinted on his fair, frank countenance. Blood uttered a short laugh, and curled his lip. "It is a very peremptory summons," he said, and passed the note to his friend. The young master's grey eyes skimmed it. Thoughtfully he stroked his golden beard. "You'll not go?" he said, between question and assertion. "Why not? Haven't I been a daily visitor at the fort...?" "But it'll be about the Old Wolf that he wants to see you. It gives him a grievance at last. You know, Peter, that it is Lord Julian alone has stood between Bishop and his hate of you. If now he can show that...." "What if he can?" Blood interrupted carelessly. "Shall I be in greater danger ashore than aboard, now that we've but fifty men left, and they lukewarm rogues who would as soon serve the King as me? Jeremy, dear lad, the Arabella's a prisoner here, bedad, 'twixt the fort there and the fleet yonder. Don't be forgetting that." Jeremy clenched his hands. "Why did ye let Wolverstone and the others go?" he cried, with a touch of bitterness. "You should have seen the danger." "How could I in honesty have detained them? It was in the bargain. Besides, how could their staying have helped me?" And as Pitt did not answer him: "Ye see?" he said, and shrugged. "I'll be getting my hat and cane and sword, and go ashore in the cock-boat. See it manned for me." "Ye're going to deliver yourself into Bishop's hands," Pitt warned him. "Well, well, maybe he'll not find me quite so easy to grasp as he imagines. There's a thorn or two left on me." And with a laugh Blood departed to his cabin. Jeremy Pitt answered the laugh with an oath. A moment he stood irresolute where Blood had left him. Then slowly, reluctance dragging at his feet, he went down the companion to give the order for the cock-boat. "If anything should happen to you, Peter," he said, as Blood was going over the side, "Colonel Bishop had better look to himself. These fifty lads may be lukewarm at present, as you say, but--sink me!--they'll be anything but lukewarm if there's a breach of faith." "And what should be happening to me, Jeremy? Sure, now, I'll be back for dinner, so I will." Blood climbed down into the waiting boat. But laugh though he might, he knew as well as Pitt that in going ashore that morning he carried his life in his hands. Because of this, it may have been that when he stepped on to the narrow mole, in the shadow of the shallow outer wall of the fort through whose crenels were thrust the black noses of its heavy guns, he gave order that the boat should stay for him at that spot. He realized that he might have to retreat in a hurry. Walking leisurely, he skirted the embattled wall, and passed through the great gates into the courtyard. Half-a-dozen soldiers lounged there, and in the shadow cast by the wall, Major Mallard, the Commandant, was slowly pacing. He stopped short at sight of Captain Blood, and saluted him, as was his due, but the smile that lifted the officer's stiff mostachios was grimly sardonic. Peter Blood's attention, however, was elsewhere. On his right stretched a spacious garden, beyond which rose the white house that was the residence of the Deputy-Governor. In that garden's main avenue, that was fringed with palm and sandalwood, he had caught sight of Miss Bishop alone. He crossed the courtyard with suddenly lengthened stride. "Good-morning to ye, ma'am," was his greeting as he overtook her; and hat in hand now, he added on a note of protest: "Sure, it's nothing less than uncharitable to make me run in this heat." "Why do you run, then?" she asked him coolly, standing slim and straight before him, all in white and very maidenly save in her unnatural composure. "I am pressed," she informed him. "So you will forgive me if I do not stay." "You were none so pressed until I came," he protested, and if his thin lips smiled, his blue eyes were oddly hard. "Since you perceive it, sir, I wonder that you trouble to be so insistent." That crossed the swords between them, and it was against Blood's instincts to avoid an engagement. "Faith, you explain yourself after a fashion," said he. "But since it was more or less in your service that I donned the King's coat, you should suffer it to cover the thief and pirate." She shrugged and turned aside, in some resentment and some regret. Fearing to betray the latter, she took refuge in the former. "I do my best," said she. "So that ye can be charitable in some ways!" He laughed softly. "Glory be, now, I should be thankful for so much. Maybe I'm presumptuous. But I can't forget that when I was no better than a slave in your uncle's household in Barbados, ye used me with a certain kindness." "Why not? In those days you had some claim upon my kindness. You were just an unfortunate gentleman then." "And what else would you be calling me now?" "Hardly unfortunate. We have heard of your good fortune on the seas--how your luck has passed into a byword. And we have heard other things: of your good fortune in other directions." She spoke hastily, the thought of Mademoiselle d'Ogeron in her mind. And instantly would have recalled the words had she been able. But Peter Blood swept them lightly aside, reading into them none of her meaning, as she feared he would. "Aye--a deal of lies, devil a doubt, as I could prove to you." "I cannot think why you should trouble to put yourself on your defence," she discouraged him. "So that ye may think less badly of me than you do." "What I think of you can be a very little matter to you, sir." This was a disarming stroke. He abandoned combat for expostulation. "Can ye say that now? Can ye say that, beholding me in this livery of a service I despise? Didn't ye tell me that I might redeem the past? It's little enough I am concerned to redeem the past save only in your eyes. In my own I've done nothing at all that I am ashamed of, considering the provocation I received." Her glance faltered, and fell away before his own that was so intent. "I... I can't think why you should speak to me like this," she said, with less than her earlier assurance. "Ah, now, can't ye, indeed?" he cried. "Sure, then, I'll be telling ye." "Oh, please." There was real alarm in her voice. "I realize fully what you did, and I realize that partly, at least, you may have been urged by consideration for myself. Believe me, I am very grateful. I shall always be grateful." "But if it's also your intention always to think of me as a thief and a pirate, faith, ye may keep your gratitude for all the good it's like to do me." A livelier colour crept into her cheeks. There was a perceptible heave of the slight breast that faintly swelled the flimsy bodice of white silk. But if she resented his tone and his words, she stifled her resentment. She realized that perhaps she had, herself, provoked his anger. She honestly desired to make amends. "You are mistaken," she began. "It isn't that." But they were fated to misunderstand each other. Jealousy, that troubler of reason, had been over-busy with his wits as it had with hers. "What is it, then?" quoth he, and added the question: "Lord Julian?" She started, and stared at him blankly indignant now. "Och, be frank with me," he urged her, unpardonably. "'Twill be a kindness, so it will." For a moment she stood before him with quickened breathing, the colour ebbing and flowing in her cheeks. Then she looked past him, and tilted her chin forward. "You... you are quite insufferable," she said. "I beg that you will let me pass." He stepped aside, and with the broad feathered hat which he still held in his hand, he waved her on towards the house. "I'll not be detaining you any longer, ma'am. After all, the cursed thing I did for nothing can be undone. Ye'll remember afterwards that it was your hardness drove me." She moved to depart, then checked, and faced him again. It was she now who was on her defence, her voice quivering with indignation. "You take that tone! You dare to take that tone!" she cried, astounding him by her sudden vehemence. "You have the effrontery to upbraid me because I will not take your hands when I know how they are stained; when I know you for a murderer and worse?" He stared at her open-mouthed. "A murderer--I?" he said at last. "Must I name your victims? Did you not murder Levasseur?" "Levasseur?" He smiled a little. "So they've told you about that!" "Do you deny it?" "I killed him, it is true. I can remember killing another man in circumstances that were very similar. That was in Bridgetown on the night of the Spanish raid. Mary Traill would tell you of it. She was present." He clapped his hat on his head with a certain abrupt fierceness, and strode angrily away, before she could answer or even grasp the full significance of what he had said. CHAPTER XXIII. HOSTAGES Peter Blood stood in the pillared portico of Government House, and with unseeing eyes that were laden with pain and anger, stared out across the great harbour of Port Royal to the green hills rising from the farther shore and the ridge of the Blue Mountains beyond, showing hazily through the quivering heat. He was aroused by the return of the negro who had gone to announce him, and following now this slave, he made his way through the house to the wide piazza behind it, in whose shade Colonel Bishop and my Lord Julian Wade took what little air there was. "So ye've come," the Deputy-Governor hailed him, and followed the greeting by a series of grunts of vague but apparently ill-humoured import. He did not trouble to rise, not even when Lord Julian, obeying the instincts of finer breeding, set him the example. From under scowling brows the wealthy Barbados planter considered his sometime slave, who, hat in hand, leaning lightly upon his long beribboned cane, revealed nothing in his countenance of the anger which was being steadily nourished by this cavalier reception. At last, with scowling brow and in self-sufficient tones, Colonel Bishop delivered himself. "I have sent for you, Captain Blood, because of certain news that has just reached me. I am informed that yesterday evening a frigate left the harbour having on board your associate Wolverstone and a hundred men of the hundred and fifty that were serving under you. His lordship and I shall be glad to have your explanation of how you came to permit that departure." "Permit?" quoth Blood. "I ordered it." The answer left Bishop speechless for a moment. Then: "You ordered it?" he said in accents of unbelief, whilst Lord Julian raised his eyebrows. "'Swounds! Perhaps you'll explain yourself? Whither has Wolverstone gone?" "To Tortuga. He's gone with a message to the officers commanding the other four ships of the fleet that is awaiting me there, telling them what's happened and why they are no longer to expect me." Bishop's great face seemed to swell and its high colour to deepen. He swung to Lord Julian. "You hear that, my lord? Deliberately he has let Wolverstone loose upon the seas again--Wolverstone, the worst of all that gang of pirates after himself. I hope your lordship begins at last to perceive the folly of granting the King's commission to such a man as this against all my counsels. Why, this thing is... it's just mutiny... treason! By God! It's matter for a court-martial." "Will you cease your blather of mutiny and treason and courts-martial?" Blood put on his hat, and sat down unbidden. "I have sent Wolverstone to inform Hagthorpe and Christian and Yberville and the rest of my lads that they've one clear month in which to follow my example, quit piracy, and get back to their boucans or their logwood, or else sail out of the Caribbean Sea. That's what I've done." "But the men?" his lordship interposed in his level, cultured voice. "This hundred men that Wolverstone has taken with him?" "They are those of my crew who have no taste for King James's service, and have preferred to seek work of other kinds. It was in our compact, my lord, that there should be no constraining of my men." "I don't remember it," said his lordship, with sincerity. Blood looked at him in surprise. Then he shrugged. "Faith, I'm not to blame for your lordship's poor memory. I say that it was so; and I don't lie. I've never found it necessary. In any case ye couldn't have supposed that I should consent to anything different." And then the Deputy-Governor exploded. "You have given those damned rascals in Tortuga this warning so that they may escape! That is what you have done. That is how you abuse the commission that has saved your own neck!" Peter Blood considered him steadily, his face impassive. "I will remind you," he said at last, very quietly, "that the object in view was--leaving out of account your own appetites which, as every one knows, are just those of a hangman--to rid the Caribbean of buccaneers. Now, I've taken the most effective way of accomplishing that object. The knowledge that I've entered the King's service should in itself go far towards disbanding the fleet of which I was until lately the admiral." "I see!" sneered the Deputy-Governor malevolently. "And if it does not?" "It will be time enough then to consider what else is to be done." Lord Julian forestalled a fresh outburst on the part of Bishop. "It is possible," he said, "that my Lord Sunderland will be satisfied, provided that the solution is such as you promise." It was a courteous, conciliatory speech. Urged by friendliness towards Blood and understanding of the difficult position in which the buccaneer found himself, his lordship was disposed to take his stand upon the letter of his instructions. Therefore he now held out a friendly hand to help him over the latest and most difficult obstacle which Blood himself had enabled Bishop to place in the way of his redemption. Unfortunately the last person from whom Peter Blood desired assistance at that moment was this young nobleman, whom he regarded with the jaundiced eyes of jealousy. "Anyway," he answered, with a suggestion of defiance and more than a suggestion of a sneer, "it's the most ye should expect from me, and certainly it's the most ye'll get." His lordship frowned, and dabbed his lips with a handkerchief. "I don't think that I quite like the way you put it. Indeed, upon reflection, Captain Blood, I am sure that I do not." "I am sorry for that, so I am," said Blood impudently. "But there it is. I'm not on that account concerned to modify it." His lordship's pale eyes opened a little wider. Languidly he raised his eyebrows. "Ah!" he said. "You're a prodigiously uncivil fellow. You disappoint me, sir. I had formed the notion that you might be a gentleman." "And that's not your lordship's only mistake," Bishop cut in. "You made a worse when you gave him the King's commission, and so sheltered the rascal from the gallows I had prepared for him in Port Royal." "Aye--but the worst mistake of all in this matter of commissions," said Blood to his lordship, "was the one that trade this greasy slaver Deputy-Governor of Jamaica instead of its hangman, which is the office for which he's by nature fitted." "Captain Blood!" said his lordship sharply in reproof. "Upon my soul and honour, sir, you go much too far. You are...." But here Bishop interrupted him. He had heaved himself to his feet, at last, and was venting his fury in unprintable abuse. Captain Blood, who had also risen, stood apparently impassive, for the storm to spend itself. When at last this happened, he addressed himself quietly to Lord Julian, as if Colonel Bishop had not spoken. "Your lordship was about to say?" he asked, with challenging smoothness. But his lordship had by now recovered his habitual composure, and was again disposed to be conciliatory. He laughed and shrugged. "Faith! here's a deal of unnecessary heat," said he. "And God knows this plaguey climate provides enough of that. Perhaps, Colonel Bishop, you are a little uncompromising; and you, sir, are certainly a deal too peppery. I have said, speaking on behalf of my Lord Sunderland, that I am content to await the result of your experiment." But Bishop's fury had by now reached a stage in which it was not to be restrained. "Are you, indeed?" he roared. "Well, then, I am not. This is a matter in which your lordship must allow me to be the better judge. And, anyhow, I'll take the risk of acting on my own responsibility." Lord Julian abandoned the struggle. He smiled wearily, shrugged, and waved a hand in implied resignation. The Deputy-Governor stormed on. "Since my lord here has given you a commission, I can't regularly deal with you out of hand for piracy as you deserve. But you shall answer before a court-martial for your action in the matter of Wolverstone, and take the consequences." "I see," said Blood. "Now we come to it. And it's yourself as Deputy-Governor will preside over that same court-martial. So that ye can wipe off old scores by hanging me, it's little ye care how ye do it!" He laughed, and added: "Praemonitus, praemunitus." "What shall that mean?" quoth Lord Julian sharply. "I had imagined that your lordship would have had some education." He was at pains, you see, to be provocative. "It's not the literal meaning I am asking, sir," said Lord Julian, with frosty dignity. "I want to know what you desire me to understand?" "I'll leave your lordship guessing," said Blood. "And I'll be wishing ye both a very good day." He swept off his feathered hat, and made them a leg very elegantly. "Before you go," said Bishop, "and to save you from any idle rashness, I'll tell you that the Harbour-Master and the Commandant have their orders. You don't leave Port Royal, my fine gallows bird. Damme, I mean to provide you with permanent moorings here, in Execution Dock." Peter Blood stiffened, and his vivid blue

king

How many times the word 'king' appears in the text?

But what did I tell ye? Ye see, the young gentleman's under a misapprehension entirely. Perhaps it'll save broken bones if your lordship explains just who and what I am." Lord Julian advanced a step and bowed perfunctorily and rather disdainfully to that very disdainful but now dumbfounded officer. Pitt, who watched the scene from the quarter-deck rail, tells us that his lordship was as grave as a parson at a hanging. But I suspect this gravity for a mask under which Lord Julian was secretly amused. "I have the honour to inform you, sir," he said stiffly, "that Captain Blood holds a commission in the King's service under the seal of my Lord Sunderland, His Majesty's Secretary of State." Captain Calverley's face empurpled; his eyes bulged. The buccaneers in the background chuckled and crowed and swore among themselves in their relish of this comedy. For a long moment Calverley stared in silence at his lordship, observing the costly elegance of his dress, his air of calm assurance, and his cold, fastidious speech, all of which savoured distinctly of the great world to which he belonged. "And who the devil may you be?" he exploded at last. Colder still and more distant than ever grew his lordship's voice. "You're not very civil, sir, as I have already noticed. My name is Wade--Lord Julian Wade. I am His Majesty's envoy to these barbarous parts, and my Lord Sunderland's near kinsman. Colonel Bishop has been notified of my coming." The sudden change in Calverley's manner at Lord Julian's mention of his name showed that the notification had been received, and that he had knowledge of it. "I... I believe that he has," said Calverley, between doubt and suspicion. "That is: that he has been notified of the coming of Lord Julian Wade. But... but... aboard this ship...?" The officer made a gesture of helplessness, and, surrendering to his bewilderment, fell abruptly silent. "I was coming out on the Royal Mary...." "That is what we were advised." "But the Royal Mary fell a victim to a Spanish privateer, and I might never have arrived at all but for the gallantry of Captain Blood, who rescued me." Light broke upon the darkness of Calverley's mind. "I see. I understand." "I will take leave to doubt it." His lordship's tone abated nothing of its asperity. "But that can wait. If Captain Blood will show you his commission, perhaps that will set all doubts at rest, and we may proceed. I shall be glad to reach Port Royal." Captain Blood thrust a parchment under Calverley's bulging eyes. The officer scanned it, particularly the seals and signature. He stepped back, a baffled, impotent man. He bowed helplessly. "I must return to Colonel Bishop for my orders," he informed them. At that moment a lane was opened in the ranks of the men, and through this came Miss Bishop followed by her octoroon woman. Over his shoulder Captain Blood observed her approach. "Perhaps, since Colonel Bishop is with you, you will convey his niece to him. Miss Bishop was aboard the Royal Mary also, and I rescued her together with his lordship. She will be able to acquaint her uncle with the details of that and of the present state of affairs." Swept thus from surprise to surprise, Captain Calverley could do no more than bow again. "As for me," said Lord Julian, with intent to make Miss Bishop's departure free from all interference on the part of the buccaneers, "I shall remain aboard the Arabella until we reach Port Royal. My compliments to Colonel Bishop. Say that I look forward to making his acquaintance there." CHAPTER XXII. HOSTILITIES In the great harbour of Port Royal, spacious enough to have given moorings to all the ships of all the navies of the world, the Arabella rode at anchor. Almost she had the air of a prisoner, for a quarter of a mile ahead, to starboard, rose the lofty, massive single round tower of the fort, whilst a couple of cables'-length astern, and to larboard, rode the six men-of-war that composed the Jamaica squadron. Abeam with the Arabella, across the harbour, were the flat-fronted white buildings of that imposing city that came down to the very water's edge. Behind these the red roofs rose like terraces, marking the gentle slope upon which the city was built, dominated here by a turret, there by a spire, and behind these again a range of green hills with for ultimate background a sky that was like a dome of polished steel. On a cane day-bed that had been set for him on the quarter-deck, sheltered from the dazzling, blistering sunshine by an improvised awning of brown sailcloth, lounged Peter Blood, a calf-bound, well-thumbed copy of Horace's Odes neglected in his hands. From immediately below him came the swish of mops and the gurgle of water in the scuppers, for it was still early morning, and under the directions of Hayton, the bo'sun, the swabbers were at work in the waist and forecastle. Despite the heat and the stagnant air, one of the toilers found breath to croak a ribald buccaneering ditty: "For we laid her board and board, And we put her to the sword, And we sank her in the deep blue sea. So It's heigh-ho, and heave-a-ho! Who'll sail for the Main with me?" Blood fetched a sigh, and the ghost of a smile played over his lean, sun-tanned face. Then the black brows came together above the vivid blue eyes, and thought swiftly closed the door upon his immediate surroundings. Things had not sped at all well with him in the past fortnight since his acceptance of the King's commission. There had been trouble with Bishop from the moment of landing. As Blood and Lord Julian had stepped ashore together, they had been met by a man who took no pains to dissemble his chagrin at the turn of events and his determination to change it. He awaited them on the mole, supported by a group of officers. "You are Lord Julian Wade, I understand," was his truculent greeting. For Blood at the moment he had nothing beyond a malignant glance. Lord Julian bowed. "I take it I have the honour to address Colonel Bishop, Deputy-Governor of Jamaica." It was almost as if his lordship were giving the Colonel a lesson in deportment. The Colonel accepted it, and belatedly bowed, removing his broad hat. Then he plunged on. "You have granted, I am told, the King's commission to this man." His very tone betrayed the bitterness of his rancour. "Your motives were no doubt worthy... your gratitude to him for delivering you from the Spaniards. But the thing itself is unthinkable, my lord. The commission must be cancelled." "I don't think I understand," said Lord Julian distantly. "To be sure you don't, or you'd never ha' done it. The fellow's bubbled you. Why, he's first a rebel, then an escaped slave, and lastly a bloody pirate. I've been hunting him this year past." "I assure you, sir, that I was fully informed of all. I do not grant the King's commission lightly." "Don't you, by God! And what else do you call this? But as His Majesty's Deputy-Governor of Jamaica, I'll take leave to correct your mistake in my own way." "Ah! And what way may that be?" "There's a gallows waiting for this rascal in Port Royal." Blood would have intervened at that, but Lord Julian forestalled him. "I see, sir, that you do not yet quite apprehend the circumstances. If it is a mistake to grant Captain Blood a commission, the mistake is not mine. I am acting upon the instructions of my Lord Sunderland; and with a full knowledge of all the facts, his lordship expressly designated Captain Blood for this commission if Captain Blood could be persuaded to accept it." Colonel Bishop's mouth fell open in surprise and dismay. "Lord Sunderland designated him?" he asked, amazed. "Expressly." His lordship waited a moment for a reply. None coming from the speechless Deputy-Governor, he asked a question: "Would you still venture to describe the matter as a mistake, sir? And dare you take the risk of correcting it?" "I... I had not dreamed...." "I understand, sir. Let me present Captain Blood." Perforce Bishop must put on the best face he could command. But that it was no more than a mask for his fury and his venom was plain to all. From that unpromising beginning matters had not improved; rather had they grown worse. Blood's thoughts were upon this and other things as he lounged there on the day-bed. He had been a fortnight in Port Royal, his ship virtually a unit now in the Jamaica squadron. And when the news of it reached Tortuga and the buccaneers who awaited his return, the name of Captain Blood, which had stood so high among the Brethren of the Coast, would become a byword, a thing of execration, and before all was done his life might pay forfeit for what would be accounted a treacherous defection. And for what had he placed himself in this position? For the sake of a girl who avoided him so persistently and intentionally that he must assume that she still regarded him with aversion. He had scarcely been vouchsafed a glimpse of her in all this fortnight, although with that in view for his main object he had daily haunted her uncle's residence, and daily braved the unmasked hostility and baffled rancour in which Colonel Bishop held him. Nor was that the worst of it. He was allowed plainly to perceive that it was the graceful, elegant young trifler from St. James's, Lord Julian Wade, to whom her every moment was devoted. And what chance had he, a desperate adventurer with a record of outlawry, against such a rival as that, a man of parts, moreover, as he was bound to admit? You conceive the bitterness of his soul. He beheld himself to be as the dog in the fable that had dropped the substance to snatch at a delusive shadow. He sought comfort in a line on the open page before him: "levius fit patientia quicquid corrigere est nefas." Sought it, but hardly found it. A boat that had approached unnoticed from the shore came scraping and bumping against the great red hull of the Arabella, and a raucous voice sent up a hailing shout. From the ship's belfry two silvery notes rang clear and sharp, and a moment or two later the bo'sun's whistle shrilled a long wail. The sounds disturbed Captain Blood from his disgruntled musings. He rose, tall, active, and arrestingly elegant in a scarlet, gold-laced coat that advertised his new position, and slipping the slender volume into his pocket, advanced to the carved rail of the quarter-deck, just as Jeremy Pitt was setting foot upon the companion. "A note for you from the Deputy-Governor," said the master shortly, as he proffered a folded sheet. Blood broke the seal, and read. Pitt, loosely clad in shirt and breeches, leaned against the rail the while and watched him, unmistakable concern imprinted on his fair, frank countenance. Blood uttered a short laugh, and curled his lip. "It is a very peremptory summons," he said, and passed the note to his friend. The young master's grey eyes skimmed it. Thoughtfully he stroked his golden beard. "You'll not go?" he said, between question and assertion. "Why not? Haven't I been a daily visitor at the fort...?" "But it'll be about the Old Wolf that he wants to see you. It gives him a grievance at last. You know, Peter, that it is Lord Julian alone has stood between Bishop and his hate of you. If now he can show that...." "What if he can?" Blood interrupted carelessly. "Shall I be in greater danger ashore than aboard, now that we've but fifty men left, and they lukewarm rogues who would as soon serve the King as me? Jeremy, dear lad, the Arabella's a prisoner here, bedad, 'twixt the fort there and the fleet yonder. Don't be forgetting that." Jeremy clenched his hands. "Why did ye let Wolverstone and the others go?" he cried, with a touch of bitterness. "You should have seen the danger." "How could I in honesty have detained them? It was in the bargain. Besides, how could their staying have helped me?" And as Pitt did not answer him: "Ye see?" he said, and shrugged. "I'll be getting my hat and cane and sword, and go ashore in the cock-boat. See it manned for me." "Ye're going to deliver yourself into Bishop's hands," Pitt warned him. "Well, well, maybe he'll not find me quite so easy to grasp as he imagines. There's a thorn or two left on me." And with a laugh Blood departed to his cabin. Jeremy Pitt answered the laugh with an oath. A moment he stood irresolute where Blood had left him. Then slowly, reluctance dragging at his feet, he went down the companion to give the order for the cock-boat. "If anything should happen to you, Peter," he said, as Blood was going over the side, "Colonel Bishop had better look to himself. These fifty lads may be lukewarm at present, as you say, but--sink me!--they'll be anything but lukewarm if there's a breach of faith." "And what should be happening to me, Jeremy? Sure, now, I'll be back for dinner, so I will." Blood climbed down into the waiting boat. But laugh though he might, he knew as well as Pitt that in going ashore that morning he carried his life in his hands. Because of this, it may have been that when he stepped on to the narrow mole, in the shadow of the shallow outer wall of the fort through whose crenels were thrust the black noses of its heavy guns, he gave order that the boat should stay for him at that spot. He realized that he might have to retreat in a hurry. Walking leisurely, he skirted the embattled wall, and passed through the great gates into the courtyard. Half-a-dozen soldiers lounged there, and in the shadow cast by the wall, Major Mallard, the Commandant, was slowly pacing. He stopped short at sight of Captain Blood, and saluted him, as was his due, but the smile that lifted the officer's stiff mostachios was grimly sardonic. Peter Blood's attention, however, was elsewhere. On his right stretched a spacious garden, beyond which rose the white house that was the residence of the Deputy-Governor. In that garden's main avenue, that was fringed with palm and sandalwood, he had caught sight of Miss Bishop alone. He crossed the courtyard with suddenly lengthened stride. "Good-morning to ye, ma'am," was his greeting as he overtook her; and hat in hand now, he added on a note of protest: "Sure, it's nothing less than uncharitable to make me run in this heat." "Why do you run, then?" she asked him coolly, standing slim and straight before him, all in white and very maidenly save in her unnatural composure. "I am pressed," she informed him. "So you will forgive me if I do not stay." "You were none so pressed until I came," he protested, and if his thin lips smiled, his blue eyes were oddly hard. "Since you perceive it, sir, I wonder that you trouble to be so insistent." That crossed the swords between them, and it was against Blood's instincts to avoid an engagement. "Faith, you explain yourself after a fashion," said he. "But since it was more or less in your service that I donned the King's coat, you should suffer it to cover the thief and pirate." She shrugged and turned aside, in some resentment and some regret. Fearing to betray the latter, she took refuge in the former. "I do my best," said she. "So that ye can be charitable in some ways!" He laughed softly. "Glory be, now, I should be thankful for so much. Maybe I'm presumptuous. But I can't forget that when I was no better than a slave in your uncle's household in Barbados, ye used me with a certain kindness." "Why not? In those days you had some claim upon my kindness. You were just an unfortunate gentleman then." "And what else would you be calling me now?" "Hardly unfortunate. We have heard of your good fortune on the seas--how your luck has passed into a byword. And we have heard other things: of your good fortune in other directions." She spoke hastily, the thought of Mademoiselle d'Ogeron in her mind. And instantly would have recalled the words had she been able. But Peter Blood swept them lightly aside, reading into them none of her meaning, as she feared he would. "Aye--a deal of lies, devil a doubt, as I could prove to you." "I cannot think why you should trouble to put yourself on your defence," she discouraged him. "So that ye may think less badly of me than you do." "What I think of you can be a very little matter to you, sir." This was a disarming stroke. He abandoned combat for expostulation. "Can ye say that now? Can ye say that, beholding me in this livery of a service I despise? Didn't ye tell me that I might redeem the past? It's little enough I am concerned to redeem the past save only in your eyes. In my own I've done nothing at all that I am ashamed of, considering the provocation I received." Her glance faltered, and fell away before his own that was so intent. "I... I can't think why you should speak to me like this," she said, with less than her earlier assurance. "Ah, now, can't ye, indeed?" he cried. "Sure, then, I'll be telling ye." "Oh, please." There was real alarm in her voice. "I realize fully what you did, and I realize that partly, at least, you may have been urged by consideration for myself. Believe me, I am very grateful. I shall always be grateful." "But if it's also your intention always to think of me as a thief and a pirate, faith, ye may keep your gratitude for all the good it's like to do me." A livelier colour crept into her cheeks. There was a perceptible heave of the slight breast that faintly swelled the flimsy bodice of white silk. But if she resented his tone and his words, she stifled her resentment. She realized that perhaps she had, herself, provoked his anger. She honestly desired to make amends. "You are mistaken," she began. "It isn't that." But they were fated to misunderstand each other. Jealousy, that troubler of reason, had been over-busy with his wits as it had with hers. "What is it, then?" quoth he, and added the question: "Lord Julian?" She started, and stared at him blankly indignant now. "Och, be frank with me," he urged her, unpardonably. "'Twill be a kindness, so it will." For a moment she stood before him with quickened breathing, the colour ebbing and flowing in her cheeks. Then she looked past him, and tilted her chin forward. "You... you are quite insufferable," she said. "I beg that you will let me pass." He stepped aside, and with the broad feathered hat which he still held in his hand, he waved her on towards the house. "I'll not be detaining you any longer, ma'am. After all, the cursed thing I did for nothing can be undone. Ye'll remember afterwards that it was your hardness drove me." She moved to depart, then checked, and faced him again. It was she now who was on her defence, her voice quivering with indignation. "You take that tone! You dare to take that tone!" she cried, astounding him by her sudden vehemence. "You have the effrontery to upbraid me because I will not take your hands when I know how they are stained; when I know you for a murderer and worse?" He stared at her open-mouthed. "A murderer--I?" he said at last. "Must I name your victims? Did you not murder Levasseur?" "Levasseur?" He smiled a little. "So they've told you about that!" "Do you deny it?" "I killed him, it is true. I can remember killing another man in circumstances that were very similar. That was in Bridgetown on the night of the Spanish raid. Mary Traill would tell you of it. She was present." He clapped his hat on his head with a certain abrupt fierceness, and strode angrily away, before she could answer or even grasp the full significance of what he had said. CHAPTER XXIII. HOSTAGES Peter Blood stood in the pillared portico of Government House, and with unseeing eyes that were laden with pain and anger, stared out across the great harbour of Port Royal to the green hills rising from the farther shore and the ridge of the Blue Mountains beyond, showing hazily through the quivering heat. He was aroused by the return of the negro who had gone to announce him, and following now this slave, he made his way through the house to the wide piazza behind it, in whose shade Colonel Bishop and my Lord Julian Wade took what little air there was. "So ye've come," the Deputy-Governor hailed him, and followed the greeting by a series of grunts of vague but apparently ill-humoured import. He did not trouble to rise, not even when Lord Julian, obeying the instincts of finer breeding, set him the example. From under scowling brows the wealthy Barbados planter considered his sometime slave, who, hat in hand, leaning lightly upon his long beribboned cane, revealed nothing in his countenance of the anger which was being steadily nourished by this cavalier reception. At last, with scowling brow and in self-sufficient tones, Colonel Bishop delivered himself. "I have sent for you, Captain Blood, because of certain news that has just reached me. I am informed that yesterday evening a frigate left the harbour having on board your associate Wolverstone and a hundred men of the hundred and fifty that were serving under you. His lordship and I shall be glad to have your explanation of how you came to permit that departure." "Permit?" quoth Blood. "I ordered it." The answer left Bishop speechless for a moment. Then: "You ordered it?" he said in accents of unbelief, whilst Lord Julian raised his eyebrows. "'Swounds! Perhaps you'll explain yourself? Whither has Wolverstone gone?" "To Tortuga. He's gone with a message to the officers commanding the other four ships of the fleet that is awaiting me there, telling them what's happened and why they are no longer to expect me." Bishop's great face seemed to swell and its high colour to deepen. He swung to Lord Julian. "You hear that, my lord? Deliberately he has let Wolverstone loose upon the seas again--Wolverstone, the worst of all that gang of pirates after himself. I hope your lordship begins at last to perceive the folly of granting the King's commission to such a man as this against all my counsels. Why, this thing is... it's just mutiny... treason! By God! It's matter for a court-martial." "Will you cease your blather of mutiny and treason and courts-martial?" Blood put on his hat, and sat down unbidden. "I have sent Wolverstone to inform Hagthorpe and Christian and Yberville and the rest of my lads that they've one clear month in which to follow my example, quit piracy, and get back to their boucans or their logwood, or else sail out of the Caribbean Sea. That's what I've done." "But the men?" his lordship interposed in his level, cultured voice. "This hundred men that Wolverstone has taken with him?" "They are those of my crew who have no taste for King James's service, and have preferred to seek work of other kinds. It was in our compact, my lord, that there should be no constraining of my men." "I don't remember it," said his lordship, with sincerity. Blood looked at him in surprise. Then he shrugged. "Faith, I'm not to blame for your lordship's poor memory. I say that it was so; and I don't lie. I've never found it necessary. In any case ye couldn't have supposed that I should consent to anything different." And then the Deputy-Governor exploded. "You have given those damned rascals in Tortuga this warning so that they may escape! That is what you have done. That is how you abuse the commission that has saved your own neck!" Peter Blood considered him steadily, his face impassive. "I will remind you," he said at last, very quietly, "that the object in view was--leaving out of account your own appetites which, as every one knows, are just those of a hangman--to rid the Caribbean of buccaneers. Now, I've taken the most effective way of accomplishing that object. The knowledge that I've entered the King's service should in itself go far towards disbanding the fleet of which I was until lately the admiral." "I see!" sneered the Deputy-Governor malevolently. "And if it does not?" "It will be time enough then to consider what else is to be done." Lord Julian forestalled a fresh outburst on the part of Bishop. "It is possible," he said, "that my Lord Sunderland will be satisfied, provided that the solution is such as you promise." It was a courteous, conciliatory speech. Urged by friendliness towards Blood and understanding of the difficult position in which the buccaneer found himself, his lordship was disposed to take his stand upon the letter of his instructions. Therefore he now held out a friendly hand to help him over the latest and most difficult obstacle which Blood himself had enabled Bishop to place in the way of his redemption. Unfortunately the last person from whom Peter Blood desired assistance at that moment was this young nobleman, whom he regarded with the jaundiced eyes of jealousy. "Anyway," he answered, with a suggestion of defiance and more than a suggestion of a sneer, "it's the most ye should expect from me, and certainly it's the most ye'll get." His lordship frowned, and dabbed his lips with a handkerchief. "I don't think that I quite like the way you put it. Indeed, upon reflection, Captain Blood, I am sure that I do not." "I am sorry for that, so I am," said Blood impudently. "But there it is. I'm not on that account concerned to modify it." His lordship's pale eyes opened a little wider. Languidly he raised his eyebrows. "Ah!" he said. "You're a prodigiously uncivil fellow. You disappoint me, sir. I had formed the notion that you might be a gentleman." "And that's not your lordship's only mistake," Bishop cut in. "You made a worse when you gave him the King's commission, and so sheltered the rascal from the gallows I had prepared for him in Port Royal." "Aye--but the worst mistake of all in this matter of commissions," said Blood to his lordship, "was the one that trade this greasy slaver Deputy-Governor of Jamaica instead of its hangman, which is the office for which he's by nature fitted." "Captain Blood!" said his lordship sharply in reproof. "Upon my soul and honour, sir, you go much too far. You are...." But here Bishop interrupted him. He had heaved himself to his feet, at last, and was venting his fury in unprintable abuse. Captain Blood, who had also risen, stood apparently impassive, for the storm to spend itself. When at last this happened, he addressed himself quietly to Lord Julian, as if Colonel Bishop had not spoken. "Your lordship was about to say?" he asked, with challenging smoothness. But his lordship had by now recovered his habitual composure, and was again disposed to be conciliatory. He laughed and shrugged. "Faith! here's a deal of unnecessary heat," said he. "And God knows this plaguey climate provides enough of that. Perhaps, Colonel Bishop, you are a little uncompromising; and you, sir, are certainly a deal too peppery. I have said, speaking on behalf of my Lord Sunderland, that I am content to await the result of your experiment." But Bishop's fury had by now reached a stage in which it was not to be restrained. "Are you, indeed?" he roared. "Well, then, I am not. This is a matter in which your lordship must allow me to be the better judge. And, anyhow, I'll take the risk of acting on my own responsibility." Lord Julian abandoned the struggle. He smiled wearily, shrugged, and waved a hand in implied resignation. The Deputy-Governor stormed on. "Since my lord here has given you a commission, I can't regularly deal with you out of hand for piracy as you deserve. But you shall answer before a court-martial for your action in the matter of Wolverstone, and take the consequences." "I see," said Blood. "Now we come to it. And it's yourself as Deputy-Governor will preside over that same court-martial. So that ye can wipe off old scores by hanging me, it's little ye care how ye do it!" He laughed, and added: "Praemonitus, praemunitus." "What shall that mean?" quoth Lord Julian sharply. "I had imagined that your lordship would have had some education." He was at pains, you see, to be provocative. "It's not the literal meaning I am asking, sir," said Lord Julian, with frosty dignity. "I want to know what you desire me to understand?" "I'll leave your lordship guessing," said Blood. "And I'll be wishing ye both a very good day." He swept off his feathered hat, and made them a leg very elegantly. "Before you go," said Bishop, "and to save you from any idle rashness, I'll tell you that the Harbour-Master and the Commandant have their orders. You don't leave Port Royal, my fine gallows bird. Damme, I mean to provide you with permanent moorings here, in Execution Dock." Peter Blood stiffened, and his vivid blue

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CHAPTER SIX [Illustration] The new General of the Nome King's army knew perfectly well that to fail in his plans meant death for him. Yet he was not at all anxious or worried. He hated every one who was good and longed to make all who were happy unhappy. Therefore he had accepted this dangerous position as General quite willingly, feeling sure in his evil mind that he would be able to do a lot of mischief and finally conquer the Land of Oz. Yet Guph determined to be careful, and to lay his plans well, so as not to fail. He argued that only careless people fail in what they attempt to do. The mountains underneath which the Nome King's extensive caverns were located lay grouped just north of the Land of Ev, which lay directly across the deadly desert to the east of the Land of Oz. As the mountains were also on the edge of the desert the Nome King found that he had only to tunnel underneath the desert to reach Ozma's dominions. He did not wish his armies to appear above ground in the Country of the Winkies, which was the part of the Land of Oz nearest to King Roquat's own country, as then the people would give the alarm and enable Ozma to fortify the Emerald City and assemble an army. He wanted to take all the Oz people by surprise; so he decided to run the tunnel clear through to the Emerald City, where he and his hosts could break through the ground without warning and conquer the people before they had time to defend themselves. Roquat the Red began work at once upon his tunnel, setting a thousand miners at the task and building it high and broad enough for his armies to march through it with ease. The Nomes were used to making tunnels, as all the kingdom in which they lived was under ground; so they made rapid progress. While this work was going on General Guph started out alone to visit the Chief of the Whimsies. These Whimsies were curious people who lived in a retired country of their own. They had large, strong bodies, but heads so small that they were no bigger than door-knobs. Of course, such tiny heads could not contain any great amount of brains, and the Whimsies were so ashamed of their personal appearance and lack of commonsense that they wore big heads, made of pasteboard, which they fastened over their own little heads. On these pasteboard heads they sewed sheep's wool for hair, and the wool was colored many tints--pink, green and lavender being the favorite colors. The faces of these false heads were painted in many ridiculous ways, according to the whims of the owners, and these big, burly creatures looked so whimsical and absurd in their queer masks that they were called "Whimsies." They foolishly imagined that no one would suspect the little heads that were inside the imitation ones, not knowing that it is folly to try to appear otherwise than as nature has made us. The Chief of the Whimsies had as little wisdom as the others, and had been chosen chief merely because none among them was any wiser or more capable of ruling. The Whimsies were evil spirits and could not be killed. They were hated and feared by every one and were known as terrible fighters because they were so strong and muscular and had not sense enough to know when they were defeated. General Guph thought the Whimsies would be a great help to the Nomes in the conquest of Oz, for under his leadership they could be induced to fight as long so they could stand up. So he traveled to their country and asked to see the Chief, who lived in a house that had a picture of his grotesque false head painted over the doorway. The Chief's false head had blue hair, a turned-up nose, and a mouth that stretched half across the face. Big green eyes had been painted upon it, but in the center of the chin were two small holes made in the pasteboard, so that the Chief could see through them with his own tiny eyes; for when the big head was fastened upon his shoulders the eyes in his own natural head were on a level with the false chin. Said General Guph to the Chief of the Whimsies: "We Nomes are going to conquer the Land of Oz and capture our King's Magic Belt, which the Oz people stole from him. Then we are going to plunder and destroy the whole country. And we want the Whimsies to help us." "Will there be any fighting?" asked the Chief. "Plenty," replied Guph. That must have pleased the Chief, for he got up and danced around the room three times. Then he seated himself again, adjusted his false head, and said: "We have no quarrel with Ozma of Oz." "But you Whimsies love to fight, and here is a splendid chance to do so," urged Guph. "Wait till I sing a song," said the Chief. Then he lay back in his chair and sang a foolish song that did not seem to the General to mean anything, although he listened carefully. When he had finished, the Chief Whimsie looked at him through the holes in his chin and asked: "What reward will you give us if we help you?" The General was prepared for this question, for he had been thinking the matter over on his journey. People often do a good deed without hope of reward, but for an evil deed they always demand payment. [Illustration] "When we get our Magic Belt," he made reply, "our King, Roquat the Red, will use its power to give every Whimsie a natural head as big and fine as the false head he now wears. Then you will no longer be ashamed because your big strong bodies have such teenty-weenty heads." "Oh! Will you do that?" asked the Chief, eagerly. "We surely will," promised the General. "I'll talk to my people," said the Chief. So he called a meeting of all the Whimsies and told them of the offer made by the Nomes. The creatures were delighted with the bargain, and at once agreed to fight for the Nome King and help him to conquer Oz. [Illustration] One Whimsie alone seemed to have a glimmer of sense, for he asked: "Suppose we fail to capture the Magic Belt? What will happen then, and what good will all our fighting do?" But they threw him into the river for asking foolish questions, and laughed when the water ruined his pasteboard head before he could swim out again. So the compact was made and General Guph was delighted with his success in gaining such powerful allies. But there were other people, too, just as important as the Whimsies, whom the clever old Nome had determined to win to his side. [Illustration] _How_ AUNT EM CONQUERED THE LION CHAPTER SEVEN [Illustration] "These are your rooms," said Dorothy, opening a door. Aunt Em drew back at sight of the splendid furniture and draperies. "Ain't there any place to wipe my feet?" she asked. "You will soon change your slippers for new shoes," replied Dorothy. "Don't be afraid, Aunt Em. Here is where you are to live, so walk right in and make yourself at home." Aunt Em advanced hesitatingly. "It beats the Topeka Hotel!" she cried, admiringly. "But this place is too grand for us, child. Can't we have some back room in the attic, that's more in our class?" "No," said Dorothy. "You've got to live here, 'cause Ozma says so. And all the rooms in this palace are just as fine as these, and some are better. It won't do any good to fuss, Aunt Em. You've got to be swell and high-toned in the Land of Oz, whether you want to or not; so you may as well make up your mind to it." "It's hard luck," replied her aunt, looking around with an awed expression; "but folks can get used to anything, if they try. Eh, Henry?" "Why, as to that," said Uncle Henry, slowly, "I b'lieve in takin' what's pervided us, an' askin' no questions. I've traveled some, Em, in my time, and you hain't; an' that makes a difference atween us." Then Dorothy showed them through the rooms. The first was a handsome sitting-room, with windows opening upon the rose gardens. Then came separate bedrooms for Aunt Em and Uncle Henry, with a fine bathroom between them. Aunt Em had a pretty dressing room, besides, and Dorothy opened the closets and showed several exquisite costumes that had been provided for her aunt by the royal dressmakers, who had worked all night to get them ready. Everything that Aunt Em could possibly need was in the drawers and closets, and her dressing-table was covered with engraved gold toilet articles. Uncle Henry had nine suits of clothes, cut in the popular Munchkin fashion, with knee-breeches, silk stockings and low shoes with jeweled buckles. The hats to match these costumes had pointed tops and wide brims with small gold bells around the edges. His shirts were of fine linen with frilled bosoms, and his vests were richly embroidered with colored silks. Uncle Henry decided that he would first take a bath and then dress himself in a blue satin suit that had caught his fancy. He accepted his good fortune with calm composure and refused to have a servant to assist him. But Aunt Em was "all of a flutter," as she said, and it took Dorothy and Jellia Jamb, the housekeeper, and two maids a long time to dress her and do up her hair and get her "rigged like a popinjay," as she quaintly expressed it. She wanted to stop and admire everything that caught her eye, and she sighed continually and declared that such finery was too good for an old country woman, and that she never thought she would have to "put on airs" at her time of life. Finally she was dressed, and when they went into the sitting-room there was Uncle Henry in his blue satin, walking gravely up and down the room. He had trimmed his beard and mustache and looked very dignified and respectable. "Tell me, Dorothy," he said; "do all the men here wear duds like these?" "Yes," she replied; "all 'cept the Scarecrow and the Shaggy Man--and of course the Tin Woodman and Tiktok, who are made of metal. You'll find all the men at Ozma's court dressed just as you are--only perhaps a little finer." "Henry, you look like a play-actor," announced Aunt Em, looking at her husband critically. "An' you, Em, look more highfalutin' than a peacock," he replied. "I guess you're right," she said, regretfully; "but we're helpless victims of high-toned royalty." Dorothy was much amused. [Illustration] "Come with me," she said, "and I'll show you 'round the palace." She took them through the beautiful rooms and introduced them to all the people they chanced to meet. Also she showed them her own pretty rooms, which were not far from their own. "So it's all true," said Aunt Em, wide-eyed with amazement, "and what Dorothy told us of this fairy country was plain facts instead of dreams! But where are all the strange creatures you used to know here?" "Yes; where's the Scarecrow?" inquired Uncle Henry. "Why, he's just now away on a visit to the Tin Woodman, who is Emp'ror of the Winkie Country," answered the little girl. "You'll see him when he comes back, and you're sure to like him." "And where's the Wonderful Wizard?" asked Aunt Em. "You'll see him at Ozma's luncheon, for he lives in this palace," was the reply. "And Jack Pumpkinhead?" "Oh, he lives a little way out of town, in his own pumpkin field. We'll go there some time and see him, and we'll call on Professor Wogglebug, too. The Shaggy Man will be at the luncheon, I guess, and Tiktok. And now I'll take you out to see Billina, who has a house of her own." So they went into the back yard, and after walking along winding paths some distance through the beautiful gardens they came to an attractive little house where the Yellow Hen sat on the front porch sunning herself. "Good morning, my dear Mistress," called Billina, fluttering down to meet them. "I was expecting you to call, for I heard you had come back and brought your uncle and aunt with you." "We're here for good and all, this time, Billina," cried Dorothy, joyfully. "Uncle Henry and Aunt Em belong in Oz now as much as I do!" "Then they are very lucky people," declared Billina; "for there couldn't be a nicer place to live. But come, my dear; I must show you all my Dorothys. Nine are living and have grown up to be very respectable hens; but one took cold at Ozma's birthday party and died of the pip, and the other two turned out to be horrid roosters, so I had to change their names from Dorothy to Daniel. They all had the letter 'D' engraved upon their gold lockets, you remember, with your picture inside, and 'D' stands for Daniel as well as for Dorothy." "Did you call both the roosters Daniel?" asked Uncle Henry. "Yes, indeed. I've nine Dorothys and two Daniels; and the nine Dorothys have eighty-six sons and daughters and over three hundred grandchildren," said Billina, proudly. "What names do you give 'em all, dear?" inquired the little girl. "Oh, they are all Dorothys and Daniels, some being Juniors and some Double-Juniors. Dorothy and Daniel are two good names, and I see no object in hunting for others," declared the Yellow Hen. "But just think, Dorothy, what a big chicken family we've grown to be, and our numbers increase nearly every day! Ozma doesn't know what to do with all the eggs we lay, and we are never eaten or harmed in any way, as chickens are in your country. They give us everything to make us contented and happy, and I, my dear, am the acknowledged Queen and Governor of every chicken in Oz, because I'm the eldest and started the whole colony." "You ought to be very proud, ma'am," said Uncle Henry, who was astonished to hear a hen talk so sensibly. "Oh, I am," she replied. "I've the loveliest pearl necklace you ever saw. Come in the house and I'll show it to you. And I've nine leg bracelets and a diamond pin for each wing. But I only wear them on state occasions." They followed the Yellow Hen into the house, which Aunt Em declared was neat as a pin. They could not sit down, because all Billina's chairs were roosting-poles made of silver; so they had to stand while the hen fussily showed them her treasures. Then they had to go into the back rooms occupied by Billina's nine Dorothys and two Daniels, who were all plump yellow chickens and greeted the visitors very politely. It was easy to see that they were well bred and that Billina had looked after their education. In the yards were all the children and grandchildren of these eleven elders and they were of all sizes, from well-grown hens to tiny chickens just out of the shell. About fifty fluffy yellow youngsters were at school, being taught good manners and good grammar by a young hen who wore spectacles. They sang in chorus a patriotic song of the Land of Oz, in honor of their visitors, and Aunt Em was much impressed by these talking chickens. Dorothy wanted to stay and play with the young chickens for awhile, but Uncle Henry and Aunt Em had not seen the palace grounds and gardens yet and were eager to get better acquainted with the marvelous and delightful land in which they were to live. "I'll stay here, and you can go for a walk," said Dorothy. "You'll be perfec'ly safe anywhere, and may do whatever you want to. When you get tired, go back to the palace and find your rooms, and I'll come to you before luncheon is ready." So Uncle Henry and Aunt Em started out alone to explore the grounds, and Dorothy knew that they couldn't get lost, because all the palace grounds were enclosed by a high wall of green marble set with emeralds. It was a rare treat to these simple folk, who had lived in the country all their lives and known little enjoyment of any sort, to wear beautiful clothes and live in a palace and be treated with respect and consideration by all around them. They were very happy indeed as they strolled up the shady walks and looked upon the gorgeous flowers and shrubs, feeling that their new home was more beautiful than any tongue could describe. Suddenly, as they turned a corner and walked through a gap in a high hedge, they came face to face with an enormous Lion, which crouched upon the green lawn and seemed surprised by their appearance. They stopped short, Uncle Henry trembling with horror and Aunt Em too terrified to scream. Next moment the poor woman clasped her husband around the neck and cried: "Save me, Henry, save me!" "Can't even save myself, Em," he returned, in a husky voice, "for the animile looks as if it could eat both of us, an' lick its chops for more! If I only had a gun--" "Haven't you, Henry? Haven't you?" she asked anxiously. "Nary gun, Em. So let's die as brave an' graceful as we can. I knew our luck couldn't last!" "I won't die. I won't be eaten by a lion!" wailed Aunt Em, glaring upon the huge beast. Then a thought struck her, and she whispered: "Henry, I've heard as savage beastses can be conquered by the human eye. I'll eye that lion out o' countenance an' save our lives." "Try it, Em," he returned, also in a whisper. "Look at him as you do at me when I'm late to dinner." Aunt Em turned upon the Lion a determined countenance and a wild dilated eye. She glared at the immense beast steadily, and the Lion, who had been quietly blinking at them, began to appear uneasy and disturbed. [Illustration] "Is anything the matter, ma'am?" he asked, in a mild voice. At this speech from the terrible beast Aunt Em and Uncle Henry both were startled, and then Uncle Henry remembered that this must be the Lion they had seen in Ozma's Throne Room. "Hold on, Em!" he exclaimed. "Quit the eagle eye conquest an' take courage. I guess this is the same Cowardly Lion Dorothy has told us about." "Oh, is it?" she asked, much relieved. "When he spoke, I got the idea; and when he looked so 'shamed like, I was sure of it," Uncle Henry continued. Aunt Em regarded the animal with new interest. "Are you the Cowardly Lion?" she inquired. "Are you Dorothy's friend?" "Yes'm," answered the Lion, meekly. "Dorothy and I are old chums and are very fond of each other. I'm the King of Beasts, you know, and the Hungry Tiger and I serve Princess Ozma as her body guards." "To be sure," said Aunt Em, nodding. "But the King of Beasts shouldn't be cowardly." "I've heard that said before," remarked the Lion, yawning till he showed his two great rows of sharp white teeth; "but that does not keep me from being frightened whenever I go into battle." "What do you do, run?" asked Uncle Henry. "No; that would be foolish, for the enemy would run after me," declared the Lion. "So I tremble with fear and pitch in as hard as I can; and so far I have always won my fight." "Ah, I begin to understand," said Uncle Henry. "Were you scared when I looked at you just now?" inquired Aunt Em. "Terribly scared, madam," answered the Lion, "for at first I thought you were going to have a fit. Then I noticed you were trying to overcome me by the power of your eye, and your glance was so fierce and penetrating that I shook with fear." This greatly pleased the lady, and she said quite cheerfully: "Well, I won't hurt you, so don't be scared any more. I just wanted to see what the human eye was good for." "The human eye is a fearful weapon," remarked the Lion, scratching his nose softly with his paw to hide a smile. "Had I not known you were Dorothy's friends I might have torn you both into shreds in order to escape your terrible gaze." Aunt Em shuddered at hearing this, and Uncle Henry said hastily: "I'm glad you knew us. Good morning, Mr. Lion; we'll hope to see you again--by and by--some time in the future." "Good morning," replied the Lion, squatting down upon the lawn again. "You are likely to see a good deal of me, if you live in the Land of Oz." [Illustration] _How_ THE GRAND GALLIPOOT JOINED THE NOMES CHAPTER EIGHT [Illustration] After leaving the Whimsies, Guph continued on his journey and penetrated far into the Northwest. He wanted to get to the Country of the Growleywogs, and in order to do that he must cross the Ripple Land, which was a hard thing to do. For the Ripple Land was a succession of hills and valleys, all very steep and rocky, and they changed places constantly by rippling. While Guph was climbing a hill it sank down under him and became a valley, and while he was descending into a valley it rose up and carried him to the top of a hill. This was very perplexing to the traveler, and a stranger might have thought he could never cross the Ripple Land at all. But Guph knew that if he kept steadily on he would get to the end at last; so he paid no attention to the changing hills and valleys and plodded along as calmly as if walking upon the level ground. The result of this wise persistence was that the General finally reached firmer soil and, after penetrating a dense forest, came to the Dominion of the Growleywogs. No sooner had he crossed the border of this domain when two guards seized him and carried him before the Grand Gallipoot of the Growleywogs, who scowled upon him ferociously and asked him why he dared intrude upon his territory. "I'm the Lord High General of the Invincible Army of the Nomes, and my name is Guph," was the reply. "All the world trembles when that name is mentioned." The Growleywogs gave a shout of jeering laughter at this, and one of them caught the Nome in his strong arms and tossed him high into the air. Guph was considerably shaken when he fell upon the hard ground, but he appeared to take no notice of the impertinence and composed himself to speak again to the Grand Gallipoot. "My master, King Roquat the Red, has sent me here to confer with you. He wishes your assistance to conquer the Land of Oz." Here the General paused, and the Grand Gallipoot scowled upon him more terribly than ever and said: "Go on!" The voice of the Grand Gallipoot was partly a roar and partly a growl. He mumbled his words badly and Guph had to listen carefully in order to understand him. These Growleywogs were certainly remarkable creatures. They were of gigantic size, yet were all bone and skin and muscle, there being no meat or fat upon their bodies at all. Their powerful muscles lay just underneath their skins, like bunches of tough rope, and the weakest Growleywog was so strong that he could pick up an elephant and toss it seven miles away. It seems unfortunate that strong people are usually so disagreeable and overbearing that no one cares for them. In fact, to be different from your fellow creatures is always a misfortune. The Growleywogs knew that they were disliked and avoided by every one, so they had become surly and unsociable even among themselves. Guph knew that they hated all people, including the Nomes; but he hoped to win them over, nevertheless, and knew that if he succeeded they would afford him very powerful assistance. "The Land of Oz is ruled by a namby-pamby girl who is disgustingly kind and good," he continued. "Her people are all happy and contented and have no care or worries whatever." "Go on!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. [Illustration] "Once the Nome King enslaved the Royal Family of Ev--another goody-goody lot that we detest," said the General. "But Ozma interfered, although it was none of her business, and marched her army against us. With her was a Kansas girl named Dorothy, and a Yellow Hen, and they marched directly into the Nome King's cavern. There they liberated our slaves from Ev and stole King Roquat's Magic Belt, which they carried away with them. So now our King is making a tunnel under the deadly desert, so we can march through it to the Emerald City. When we get there we mean to conquer and destroy all the land and recapture the Magic Belt." Again he paused, and again the Grand Gallipoot growled: "Go on!" Guph tried to think what to say next, and a happy thought soon occurred to him. "We want you to help us in this conquest," he announced, "for we need the mighty aid of the Growleywogs in order to make sure that we shall not be defeated. You are the strongest people in all the world, and you hate good and happy creatures as much as we Nomes do. I am sure it will be a real pleasure to you to tear down the beautiful Emerald City, and in return for your valuable assistance we will allow you to bring back to your country ten thousand people of Oz, to be your slaves." "Twenty thousand!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. "All right, we promise you twenty thousand," agreed the General. The Gallipoot made a signal and at once his attendants picked up General Guph and carried him away to a prison, where the jailor amused himself by sticking pins in the round fat body of the old Nome, to see him jump and hear him yell. But while this was going on the Grand Gallipoot was talking with his counselors, who were the most important officials of the Growleywogs. When he had stated to them the proposition of the Nome King he said: "My advice is to offer to help them. Then, when we have conquered the Land of Oz, we will take not only our twenty thousand prisoners but all the gold and jewels we want." "Let us take the Magic Belt, too," suggested one counselor. "And rob the Nome King and make him our slave," said another. "That is a good idea," declared the Grand Gallipoot. "I'd like King Roquat for my own slave. He could black my boots and bring me my porridge every morning while I am in bed." "There is a famous Scarecrow in Oz. I'll take him for my slave," said a counselor. "I'll take Tiktok, the machine man," said another. "Give me the Tin Woodman," said a third. They went on for some time, dividing up the people and the treasure of Oz in advance of the conquest. For they had no doubt at all that they would be able to destroy Ozma's domain. Were they not the strongest people in all the world? "The deadly desert has kept us out of Oz before," remarked the Grand Gallipoot, "but now that the Nome King is building a tunnel we shall get into the Emerald City very easily. So let us send the little fat General back to his King with our promise to assist him. We will not say that we intend to conquer the Nomes after we have conquered Oz, but we will do so, just the same." This plan being agreed upon, they all went home to dinner, leaving General Guph still in prison. The Nome had no idea that he had succeeded in his mission, for finding himself in prison he feared the Growleywogs intended to put him to death. By this time the jailor had tired of sticking pins in the General, and was amusing himself by carefully pulling the Nome's whiskers out by the roots, one at a time. This enjoyment was interrupted by the Grand Gallipoot sending for the prisoner. "Wait a few hours," begged the jailor. "I haven't pulled out a quarter of his whiskers yet." "If you keep the Grand Gallipoot waiting he'll break your back," declared the messenger. "Perhaps you're right," sighed the jailor. "Take the prisoner away, if you will, but I advise you to kick him at every step he takes. It will be good fun, for he is as soft as a ripe peach." [Illustration] So Guph was led away to the royal castle, where the Grand Gallipoot told him that the Growleywogs had decided to assist the Nomes in conquering the Land of Oz. "Whenever you are ready," he added, "send me word and I will march with eighteen thousand of my most powerful warriors to your aid." Guph was so delighted that he forgot all the smarting caused by the pins and the pulling of whiskers. He did not even complain of the treatment he had received, but thanked the Grand Gallipoot and hurried away upon his journey. He had now secured the assistance of the Whimsies and the Growleywogs; but his success made him long for still more allies. His own life depended upon his conquering Oz, and he said to himself: "I'll take no chances. I'll be certain of success.

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CHAPTER SIX [Illustration] The new General of the Nome King's army knew perfectly well that to fail in his plans meant death for him. Yet he was not at all anxious or worried. He hated every one who was good and longed to make all who were happy unhappy. Therefore he had accepted this dangerous position as General quite willingly, feeling sure in his evil mind that he would be able to do a lot of mischief and finally conquer the Land of Oz. Yet Guph determined to be careful, and to lay his plans well, so as not to fail. He argued that only careless people fail in what they attempt to do. The mountains underneath which the Nome King's extensive caverns were located lay grouped just north of the Land of Ev, which lay directly across the deadly desert to the east of the Land of Oz. As the mountains were also on the edge of the desert the Nome King found that he had only to tunnel underneath the desert to reach Ozma's dominions. He did not wish his armies to appear above ground in the Country of the Winkies, which was the part of the Land of Oz nearest to King Roquat's own country, as then the people would give the alarm and enable Ozma to fortify the Emerald City and assemble an army. He wanted to take all the Oz people by surprise; so he decided to run the tunnel clear through to the Emerald City, where he and his hosts could break through the ground without warning and conquer the people before they had time to defend themselves. Roquat the Red began work at once upon his tunnel, setting a thousand miners at the task and building it high and broad enough for his armies to march through it with ease. The Nomes were used to making tunnels, as all the kingdom in which they lived was under ground; so they made rapid progress. While this work was going on General Guph started out alone to visit the Chief of the Whimsies. These Whimsies were curious people who lived in a retired country of their own. They had large, strong bodies, but heads so small that they were no bigger than door-knobs. Of course, such tiny heads could not contain any great amount of brains, and the Whimsies were so ashamed of their personal appearance and lack of commonsense that they wore big heads, made of pasteboard, which they fastened over their own little heads. On these pasteboard heads they sewed sheep's wool for hair, and the wool was colored many tints--pink, green and lavender being the favorite colors. The faces of these false heads were painted in many ridiculous ways, according to the whims of the owners, and these big, burly creatures looked so whimsical and absurd in their queer masks that they were called "Whimsies." They foolishly imagined that no one would suspect the little heads that were inside the imitation ones, not knowing that it is folly to try to appear otherwise than as nature has made us. The Chief of the Whimsies had as little wisdom as the others, and had been chosen chief merely because none among them was any wiser or more capable of ruling. The Whimsies were evil spirits and could not be killed. They were hated and feared by every one and were known as terrible fighters because they were so strong and muscular and had not sense enough to know when they were defeated. General Guph thought the Whimsies would be a great help to the Nomes in the conquest of Oz, for under his leadership they could be induced to fight as long so they could stand up. So he traveled to their country and asked to see the Chief, who lived in a house that had a picture of his grotesque false head painted over the doorway. The Chief's false head had blue hair, a turned-up nose, and a mouth that stretched half across the face. Big green eyes had been painted upon it, but in the center of the chin were two small holes made in the pasteboard, so that the Chief could see through them with his own tiny eyes; for when the big head was fastened upon his shoulders the eyes in his own natural head were on a level with the false chin. Said General Guph to the Chief of the Whimsies: "We Nomes are going to conquer the Land of Oz and capture our King's Magic Belt, which the Oz people stole from him. Then we are going to plunder and destroy the whole country. And we want the Whimsies to help us." "Will there be any fighting?" asked the Chief. "Plenty," replied Guph. That must have pleased the Chief, for he got up and danced around the room three times. Then he seated himself again, adjusted his false head, and said: "We have no quarrel with Ozma of Oz." "But you Whimsies love to fight, and here is a splendid chance to do so," urged Guph. "Wait till I sing a song," said the Chief. Then he lay back in his chair and sang a foolish song that did not seem to the General to mean anything, although he listened carefully. When he had finished, the Chief Whimsie looked at him through the holes in his chin and asked: "What reward will you give us if we help you?" The General was prepared for this question, for he had been thinking the matter over on his journey. People often do a good deed without hope of reward, but for an evil deed they always demand payment. [Illustration] "When we get our Magic Belt," he made reply, "our King, Roquat the Red, will use its power to give every Whimsie a natural head as big and fine as the false head he now wears. Then you will no longer be ashamed because your big strong bodies have such teenty-weenty heads." "Oh! Will you do that?" asked the Chief, eagerly. "We surely will," promised the General. "I'll talk to my people," said the Chief. So he called a meeting of all the Whimsies and told them of the offer made by the Nomes. The creatures were delighted with the bargain, and at once agreed to fight for the Nome King and help him to conquer Oz. [Illustration] One Whimsie alone seemed to have a glimmer of sense, for he asked: "Suppose we fail to capture the Magic Belt? What will happen then, and what good will all our fighting do?" But they threw him into the river for asking foolish questions, and laughed when the water ruined his pasteboard head before he could swim out again. So the compact was made and General Guph was delighted with his success in gaining such powerful allies. But there were other people, too, just as important as the Whimsies, whom the clever old Nome had determined to win to his side. [Illustration] _How_ AUNT EM CONQUERED THE LION CHAPTER SEVEN [Illustration] "These are your rooms," said Dorothy, opening a door. Aunt Em drew back at sight of the splendid furniture and draperies. "Ain't there any place to wipe my feet?" she asked. "You will soon change your slippers for new shoes," replied Dorothy. "Don't be afraid, Aunt Em. Here is where you are to live, so walk right in and make yourself at home." Aunt Em advanced hesitatingly. "It beats the Topeka Hotel!" she cried, admiringly. "But this place is too grand for us, child. Can't we have some back room in the attic, that's more in our class?" "No," said Dorothy. "You've got to live here, 'cause Ozma says so. And all the rooms in this palace are just as fine as these, and some are better. It won't do any good to fuss, Aunt Em. You've got to be swell and high-toned in the Land of Oz, whether you want to or not; so you may as well make up your mind to it." "It's hard luck," replied her aunt, looking around with an awed expression; "but folks can get used to anything, if they try. Eh, Henry?" "Why, as to that," said Uncle Henry, slowly, "I b'lieve in takin' what's pervided us, an' askin' no questions. I've traveled some, Em, in my time, and you hain't; an' that makes a difference atween us." Then Dorothy showed them through the rooms. The first was a handsome sitting-room, with windows opening upon the rose gardens. Then came separate bedrooms for Aunt Em and Uncle Henry, with a fine bathroom between them. Aunt Em had a pretty dressing room, besides, and Dorothy opened the closets and showed several exquisite costumes that had been provided for her aunt by the royal dressmakers, who had worked all night to get them ready. Everything that Aunt Em could possibly need was in the drawers and closets, and her dressing-table was covered with engraved gold toilet articles. Uncle Henry had nine suits of clothes, cut in the popular Munchkin fashion, with knee-breeches, silk stockings and low shoes with jeweled buckles. The hats to match these costumes had pointed tops and wide brims with small gold bells around the edges. His shirts were of fine linen with frilled bosoms, and his vests were richly embroidered with colored silks. Uncle Henry decided that he would first take a bath and then dress himself in a blue satin suit that had caught his fancy. He accepted his good fortune with calm composure and refused to have a servant to assist him. But Aunt Em was "all of a flutter," as she said, and it took Dorothy and Jellia Jamb, the housekeeper, and two maids a long time to dress her and do up her hair and get her "rigged like a popinjay," as she quaintly expressed it. She wanted to stop and admire everything that caught her eye, and she sighed continually and declared that such finery was too good for an old country woman, and that she never thought she would have to "put on airs" at her time of life. Finally she was dressed, and when they went into the sitting-room there was Uncle Henry in his blue satin, walking gravely up and down the room. He had trimmed his beard and mustache and looked very dignified and respectable. "Tell me, Dorothy," he said; "do all the men here wear duds like these?" "Yes," she replied; "all 'cept the Scarecrow and the Shaggy Man--and of course the Tin Woodman and Tiktok, who are made of metal. You'll find all the men at Ozma's court dressed just as you are--only perhaps a little finer." "Henry, you look like a play-actor," announced Aunt Em, looking at her husband critically. "An' you, Em, look more highfalutin' than a peacock," he replied. "I guess you're right," she said, regretfully; "but we're helpless victims of high-toned royalty." Dorothy was much amused. [Illustration] "Come with me," she said, "and I'll show you 'round the palace." She took them through the beautiful rooms and introduced them to all the people they chanced to meet. Also she showed them her own pretty rooms, which were not far from their own. "So it's all true," said Aunt Em, wide-eyed with amazement, "and what Dorothy told us of this fairy country was plain facts instead of dreams! But where are all the strange creatures you used to know here?" "Yes; where's the Scarecrow?" inquired Uncle Henry. "Why, he's just now away on a visit to the Tin Woodman, who is Emp'ror of the Winkie Country," answered the little girl. "You'll see him when he comes back, and you're sure to like him." "And where's the Wonderful Wizard?" asked Aunt Em. "You'll see him at Ozma's luncheon, for he lives in this palace," was the reply. "And Jack Pumpkinhead?" "Oh, he lives a little way out of town, in his own pumpkin field. We'll go there some time and see him, and we'll call on Professor Wogglebug, too. The Shaggy Man will be at the luncheon, I guess, and Tiktok. And now I'll take you out to see Billina, who has a house of her own." So they went into the back yard, and after walking along winding paths some distance through the beautiful gardens they came to an attractive little house where the Yellow Hen sat on the front porch sunning herself. "Good morning, my dear Mistress," called Billina, fluttering down to meet them. "I was expecting you to call, for I heard you had come back and brought your uncle and aunt with you." "We're here for good and all, this time, Billina," cried Dorothy, joyfully. "Uncle Henry and Aunt Em belong in Oz now as much as I do!" "Then they are very lucky people," declared Billina; "for there couldn't be a nicer place to live. But come, my dear; I must show you all my Dorothys. Nine are living and have grown up to be very respectable hens; but one took cold at Ozma's birthday party and died of the pip, and the other two turned out to be horrid roosters, so I had to change their names from Dorothy to Daniel. They all had the letter 'D' engraved upon their gold lockets, you remember, with your picture inside, and 'D' stands for Daniel as well as for Dorothy." "Did you call both the roosters Daniel?" asked Uncle Henry. "Yes, indeed. I've nine Dorothys and two Daniels; and the nine Dorothys have eighty-six sons and daughters and over three hundred grandchildren," said Billina, proudly. "What names do you give 'em all, dear?" inquired the little girl. "Oh, they are all Dorothys and Daniels, some being Juniors and some Double-Juniors. Dorothy and Daniel are two good names, and I see no object in hunting for others," declared the Yellow Hen. "But just think, Dorothy, what a big chicken family we've grown to be, and our numbers increase nearly every day! Ozma doesn't know what to do with all the eggs we lay, and we are never eaten or harmed in any way, as chickens are in your country. They give us everything to make us contented and happy, and I, my dear, am the acknowledged Queen and Governor of every chicken in Oz, because I'm the eldest and started the whole colony." "You ought to be very proud, ma'am," said Uncle Henry, who was astonished to hear a hen talk so sensibly. "Oh, I am," she replied. "I've the loveliest pearl necklace you ever saw. Come in the house and I'll show it to you. And I've nine leg bracelets and a diamond pin for each wing. But I only wear them on state occasions." They followed the Yellow Hen into the house, which Aunt Em declared was neat as a pin. They could not sit down, because all Billina's chairs were roosting-poles made of silver; so they had to stand while the hen fussily showed them her treasures. Then they had to go into the back rooms occupied by Billina's nine Dorothys and two Daniels, who were all plump yellow chickens and greeted the visitors very politely. It was easy to see that they were well bred and that Billina had looked after their education. In the yards were all the children and grandchildren of these eleven elders and they were of all sizes, from well-grown hens to tiny chickens just out of the shell. About fifty fluffy yellow youngsters were at school, being taught good manners and good grammar by a young hen who wore spectacles. They sang in chorus a patriotic song of the Land of Oz, in honor of their visitors, and Aunt Em was much impressed by these talking chickens. Dorothy wanted to stay and play with the young chickens for awhile, but Uncle Henry and Aunt Em had not seen the palace grounds and gardens yet and were eager to get better acquainted with the marvelous and delightful land in which they were to live. "I'll stay here, and you can go for a walk," said Dorothy. "You'll be perfec'ly safe anywhere, and may do whatever you want to. When you get tired, go back to the palace and find your rooms, and I'll come to you before luncheon is ready." So Uncle Henry and Aunt Em started out alone to explore the grounds, and Dorothy knew that they couldn't get lost, because all the palace grounds were enclosed by a high wall of green marble set with emeralds. It was a rare treat to these simple folk, who had lived in the country all their lives and known little enjoyment of any sort, to wear beautiful clothes and live in a palace and be treated with respect and consideration by all around them. They were very happy indeed as they strolled up the shady walks and looked upon the gorgeous flowers and shrubs, feeling that their new home was more beautiful than any tongue could describe. Suddenly, as they turned a corner and walked through a gap in a high hedge, they came face to face with an enormous Lion, which crouched upon the green lawn and seemed surprised by their appearance. They stopped short, Uncle Henry trembling with horror and Aunt Em too terrified to scream. Next moment the poor woman clasped her husband around the neck and cried: "Save me, Henry, save me!" "Can't even save myself, Em," he returned, in a husky voice, "for the animile looks as if it could eat both of us, an' lick its chops for more! If I only had a gun--" "Haven't you, Henry? Haven't you?" she asked anxiously. "Nary gun, Em. So let's die as brave an' graceful as we can. I knew our luck couldn't last!" "I won't die. I won't be eaten by a lion!" wailed Aunt Em, glaring upon the huge beast. Then a thought struck her, and she whispered: "Henry, I've heard as savage beastses can be conquered by the human eye. I'll eye that lion out o' countenance an' save our lives." "Try it, Em," he returned, also in a whisper. "Look at him as you do at me when I'm late to dinner." Aunt Em turned upon the Lion a determined countenance and a wild dilated eye. She glared at the immense beast steadily, and the Lion, who had been quietly blinking at them, began to appear uneasy and disturbed. [Illustration] "Is anything the matter, ma'am?" he asked, in a mild voice. At this speech from the terrible beast Aunt Em and Uncle Henry both were startled, and then Uncle Henry remembered that this must be the Lion they had seen in Ozma's Throne Room. "Hold on, Em!" he exclaimed. "Quit the eagle eye conquest an' take courage. I guess this is the same Cowardly Lion Dorothy has told us about." "Oh, is it?" she asked, much relieved. "When he spoke, I got the idea; and when he looked so 'shamed like, I was sure of it," Uncle Henry continued. Aunt Em regarded the animal with new interest. "Are you the Cowardly Lion?" she inquired. "Are you Dorothy's friend?" "Yes'm," answered the Lion, meekly. "Dorothy and I are old chums and are very fond of each other. I'm the King of Beasts, you know, and the Hungry Tiger and I serve Princess Ozma as her body guards." "To be sure," said Aunt Em, nodding. "But the King of Beasts shouldn't be cowardly." "I've heard that said before," remarked the Lion, yawning till he showed his two great rows of sharp white teeth; "but that does not keep me from being frightened whenever I go into battle." "What do you do, run?" asked Uncle Henry. "No; that would be foolish, for the enemy would run after me," declared the Lion. "So I tremble with fear and pitch in as hard as I can; and so far I have always won my fight." "Ah, I begin to understand," said Uncle Henry. "Were you scared when I looked at you just now?" inquired Aunt Em. "Terribly scared, madam," answered the Lion, "for at first I thought you were going to have a fit. Then I noticed you were trying to overcome me by the power of your eye, and your glance was so fierce and penetrating that I shook with fear." This greatly pleased the lady, and she said quite cheerfully: "Well, I won't hurt you, so don't be scared any more. I just wanted to see what the human eye was good for." "The human eye is a fearful weapon," remarked the Lion, scratching his nose softly with his paw to hide a smile. "Had I not known you were Dorothy's friends I might have torn you both into shreds in order to escape your terrible gaze." Aunt Em shuddered at hearing this, and Uncle Henry said hastily: "I'm glad you knew us. Good morning, Mr. Lion; we'll hope to see you again--by and by--some time in the future." "Good morning," replied the Lion, squatting down upon the lawn again. "You are likely to see a good deal of me, if you live in the Land of Oz." [Illustration] _How_ THE GRAND GALLIPOOT JOINED THE NOMES CHAPTER EIGHT [Illustration] After leaving the Whimsies, Guph continued on his journey and penetrated far into the Northwest. He wanted to get to the Country of the Growleywogs, and in order to do that he must cross the Ripple Land, which was a hard thing to do. For the Ripple Land was a succession of hills and valleys, all very steep and rocky, and they changed places constantly by rippling. While Guph was climbing a hill it sank down under him and became a valley, and while he was descending into a valley it rose up and carried him to the top of a hill. This was very perplexing to the traveler, and a stranger might have thought he could never cross the Ripple Land at all. But Guph knew that if he kept steadily on he would get to the end at last; so he paid no attention to the changing hills and valleys and plodded along as calmly as if walking upon the level ground. The result of this wise persistence was that the General finally reached firmer soil and, after penetrating a dense forest, came to the Dominion of the Growleywogs. No sooner had he crossed the border of this domain when two guards seized him and carried him before the Grand Gallipoot of the Growleywogs, who scowled upon him ferociously and asked him why he dared intrude upon his territory. "I'm the Lord High General of the Invincible Army of the Nomes, and my name is Guph," was the reply. "All the world trembles when that name is mentioned." The Growleywogs gave a shout of jeering laughter at this, and one of them caught the Nome in his strong arms and tossed him high into the air. Guph was considerably shaken when he fell upon the hard ground, but he appeared to take no notice of the impertinence and composed himself to speak again to the Grand Gallipoot. "My master, King Roquat the Red, has sent me here to confer with you. He wishes your assistance to conquer the Land of Oz." Here the General paused, and the Grand Gallipoot scowled upon him more terribly than ever and said: "Go on!" The voice of the Grand Gallipoot was partly a roar and partly a growl. He mumbled his words badly and Guph had to listen carefully in order to understand him. These Growleywogs were certainly remarkable creatures. They were of gigantic size, yet were all bone and skin and muscle, there being no meat or fat upon their bodies at all. Their powerful muscles lay just underneath their skins, like bunches of tough rope, and the weakest Growleywog was so strong that he could pick up an elephant and toss it seven miles away. It seems unfortunate that strong people are usually so disagreeable and overbearing that no one cares for them. In fact, to be different from your fellow creatures is always a misfortune. The Growleywogs knew that they were disliked and avoided by every one, so they had become surly and unsociable even among themselves. Guph knew that they hated all people, including the Nomes; but he hoped to win them over, nevertheless, and knew that if he succeeded they would afford him very powerful assistance. "The Land of Oz is ruled by a namby-pamby girl who is disgustingly kind and good," he continued. "Her people are all happy and contented and have no care or worries whatever." "Go on!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. [Illustration] "Once the Nome King enslaved the Royal Family of Ev--another goody-goody lot that we detest," said the General. "But Ozma interfered, although it was none of her business, and marched her army against us. With her was a Kansas girl named Dorothy, and a Yellow Hen, and they marched directly into the Nome King's cavern. There they liberated our slaves from Ev and stole King Roquat's Magic Belt, which they carried away with them. So now our King is making a tunnel under the deadly desert, so we can march through it to the Emerald City. When we get there we mean to conquer and destroy all the land and recapture the Magic Belt." Again he paused, and again the Grand Gallipoot growled: "Go on!" Guph tried to think what to say next, and a happy thought soon occurred to him. "We want you to help us in this conquest," he announced, "for we need the mighty aid of the Growleywogs in order to make sure that we shall not be defeated. You are the strongest people in all the world, and you hate good and happy creatures as much as we Nomes do. I am sure it will be a real pleasure to you to tear down the beautiful Emerald City, and in return for your valuable assistance we will allow you to bring back to your country ten thousand people of Oz, to be your slaves." "Twenty thousand!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. "All right, we promise you twenty thousand," agreed the General. The Gallipoot made a signal and at once his attendants picked up General Guph and carried him away to a prison, where the jailor amused himself by sticking pins in the round fat body of the old Nome, to see him jump and hear him yell. But while this was going on the Grand Gallipoot was talking with his counselors, who were the most important officials of the Growleywogs. When he had stated to them the proposition of the Nome King he said: "My advice is to offer to help them. Then, when we have conquered the Land of Oz, we will take not only our twenty thousand prisoners but all the gold and jewels we want." "Let us take the Magic Belt, too," suggested one counselor. "And rob the Nome King and make him our slave," said another. "That is a good idea," declared the Grand Gallipoot. "I'd like King Roquat for my own slave. He could black my boots and bring me my porridge every morning while I am in bed." "There is a famous Scarecrow in Oz. I'll take him for my slave," said a counselor. "I'll take Tiktok, the machine man," said another. "Give me the Tin Woodman," said a third. They went on for some time, dividing up the people and the treasure of Oz in advance of the conquest. For they had no doubt at all that they would be able to destroy Ozma's domain. Were they not the strongest people in all the world? "The deadly desert has kept us out of Oz before," remarked the Grand Gallipoot, "but now that the Nome King is building a tunnel we shall get into the Emerald City very easily. So let us send the little fat General back to his King with our promise to assist him. We will not say that we intend to conquer the Nomes after we have conquered Oz, but we will do so, just the same." This plan being agreed upon, they all went home to dinner, leaving General Guph still in prison. The Nome had no idea that he had succeeded in his mission, for finding himself in prison he feared the Growleywogs intended to put him to death. By this time the jailor had tired of sticking pins in the General, and was amusing himself by carefully pulling the Nome's whiskers out by the roots, one at a time. This enjoyment was interrupted by the Grand Gallipoot sending for the prisoner. "Wait a few hours," begged the jailor. "I haven't pulled out a quarter of his whiskers yet." "If you keep the Grand Gallipoot waiting he'll break your back," declared the messenger. "Perhaps you're right," sighed the jailor. "Take the prisoner away, if you will, but I advise you to kick him at every step he takes. It will be good fun, for he is as soft as a ripe peach." [Illustration] So Guph was led away to the royal castle, where the Grand Gallipoot told him that the Growleywogs had decided to assist the Nomes in conquering the Land of Oz. "Whenever you are ready," he added, "send me word and I will march with eighteen thousand of my most powerful warriors to your aid." Guph was so delighted that he forgot all the smarting caused by the pins and the pulling of whiskers. He did not even complain of the treatment he had received, but thanked the Grand Gallipoot and hurried away upon his journey. He had now secured the assistance of the Whimsies and the Growleywogs; but his success made him long for still more allies. His own life depended upon his conquering Oz, and he said to himself: "I'll take no chances. I'll be certain of success.

walk

How many times the word 'walk' appears in the text?

CHAPTER SIX [Illustration] The new General of the Nome King's army knew perfectly well that to fail in his plans meant death for him. Yet he was not at all anxious or worried. He hated every one who was good and longed to make all who were happy unhappy. Therefore he had accepted this dangerous position as General quite willingly, feeling sure in his evil mind that he would be able to do a lot of mischief and finally conquer the Land of Oz. Yet Guph determined to be careful, and to lay his plans well, so as not to fail. He argued that only careless people fail in what they attempt to do. The mountains underneath which the Nome King's extensive caverns were located lay grouped just north of the Land of Ev, which lay directly across the deadly desert to the east of the Land of Oz. As the mountains were also on the edge of the desert the Nome King found that he had only to tunnel underneath the desert to reach Ozma's dominions. He did not wish his armies to appear above ground in the Country of the Winkies, which was the part of the Land of Oz nearest to King Roquat's own country, as then the people would give the alarm and enable Ozma to fortify the Emerald City and assemble an army. He wanted to take all the Oz people by surprise; so he decided to run the tunnel clear through to the Emerald City, where he and his hosts could break through the ground without warning and conquer the people before they had time to defend themselves. Roquat the Red began work at once upon his tunnel, setting a thousand miners at the task and building it high and broad enough for his armies to march through it with ease. The Nomes were used to making tunnels, as all the kingdom in which they lived was under ground; so they made rapid progress. While this work was going on General Guph started out alone to visit the Chief of the Whimsies. These Whimsies were curious people who lived in a retired country of their own. They had large, strong bodies, but heads so small that they were no bigger than door-knobs. Of course, such tiny heads could not contain any great amount of brains, and the Whimsies were so ashamed of their personal appearance and lack of commonsense that they wore big heads, made of pasteboard, which they fastened over their own little heads. On these pasteboard heads they sewed sheep's wool for hair, and the wool was colored many tints--pink, green and lavender being the favorite colors. The faces of these false heads were painted in many ridiculous ways, according to the whims of the owners, and these big, burly creatures looked so whimsical and absurd in their queer masks that they were called "Whimsies." They foolishly imagined that no one would suspect the little heads that were inside the imitation ones, not knowing that it is folly to try to appear otherwise than as nature has made us. The Chief of the Whimsies had as little wisdom as the others, and had been chosen chief merely because none among them was any wiser or more capable of ruling. The Whimsies were evil spirits and could not be killed. They were hated and feared by every one and were known as terrible fighters because they were so strong and muscular and had not sense enough to know when they were defeated. General Guph thought the Whimsies would be a great help to the Nomes in the conquest of Oz, for under his leadership they could be induced to fight as long so they could stand up. So he traveled to their country and asked to see the Chief, who lived in a house that had a picture of his grotesque false head painted over the doorway. The Chief's false head had blue hair, a turned-up nose, and a mouth that stretched half across the face. Big green eyes had been painted upon it, but in the center of the chin were two small holes made in the pasteboard, so that the Chief could see through them with his own tiny eyes; for when the big head was fastened upon his shoulders the eyes in his own natural head were on a level with the false chin. Said General Guph to the Chief of the Whimsies: "We Nomes are going to conquer the Land of Oz and capture our King's Magic Belt, which the Oz people stole from him. Then we are going to plunder and destroy the whole country. And we want the Whimsies to help us." "Will there be any fighting?" asked the Chief. "Plenty," replied Guph. That must have pleased the Chief, for he got up and danced around the room three times. Then he seated himself again, adjusted his false head, and said: "We have no quarrel with Ozma of Oz." "But you Whimsies love to fight, and here is a splendid chance to do so," urged Guph. "Wait till I sing a song," said the Chief. Then he lay back in his chair and sang a foolish song that did not seem to the General to mean anything, although he listened carefully. When he had finished, the Chief Whimsie looked at him through the holes in his chin and asked: "What reward will you give us if we help you?" The General was prepared for this question, for he had been thinking the matter over on his journey. People often do a good deed without hope of reward, but for an evil deed they always demand payment. [Illustration] "When we get our Magic Belt," he made reply, "our King, Roquat the Red, will use its power to give every Whimsie a natural head as big and fine as the false head he now wears. Then you will no longer be ashamed because your big strong bodies have such teenty-weenty heads." "Oh! Will you do that?" asked the Chief, eagerly. "We surely will," promised the General. "I'll talk to my people," said the Chief. So he called a meeting of all the Whimsies and told them of the offer made by the Nomes. The creatures were delighted with the bargain, and at once agreed to fight for the Nome King and help him to conquer Oz. [Illustration] One Whimsie alone seemed to have a glimmer of sense, for he asked: "Suppose we fail to capture the Magic Belt? What will happen then, and what good will all our fighting do?" But they threw him into the river for asking foolish questions, and laughed when the water ruined his pasteboard head before he could swim out again. So the compact was made and General Guph was delighted with his success in gaining such powerful allies. But there were other people, too, just as important as the Whimsies, whom the clever old Nome had determined to win to his side. [Illustration] _How_ AUNT EM CONQUERED THE LION CHAPTER SEVEN [Illustration] "These are your rooms," said Dorothy, opening a door. Aunt Em drew back at sight of the splendid furniture and draperies. "Ain't there any place to wipe my feet?" she asked. "You will soon change your slippers for new shoes," replied Dorothy. "Don't be afraid, Aunt Em. Here is where you are to live, so walk right in and make yourself at home." Aunt Em advanced hesitatingly. "It beats the Topeka Hotel!" she cried, admiringly. "But this place is too grand for us, child. Can't we have some back room in the attic, that's more in our class?" "No," said Dorothy. "You've got to live here, 'cause Ozma says so. And all the rooms in this palace are just as fine as these, and some are better. It won't do any good to fuss, Aunt Em. You've got to be swell and high-toned in the Land of Oz, whether you want to or not; so you may as well make up your mind to it." "It's hard luck," replied her aunt, looking around with an awed expression; "but folks can get used to anything, if they try. Eh, Henry?" "Why, as to that," said Uncle Henry, slowly, "I b'lieve in takin' what's pervided us, an' askin' no questions. I've traveled some, Em, in my time, and you hain't; an' that makes a difference atween us." Then Dorothy showed them through the rooms. The first was a handsome sitting-room, with windows opening upon the rose gardens. Then came separate bedrooms for Aunt Em and Uncle Henry, with a fine bathroom between them. Aunt Em had a pretty dressing room, besides, and Dorothy opened the closets and showed several exquisite costumes that had been provided for her aunt by the royal dressmakers, who had worked all night to get them ready. Everything that Aunt Em could possibly need was in the drawers and closets, and her dressing-table was covered with engraved gold toilet articles. Uncle Henry had nine suits of clothes, cut in the popular Munchkin fashion, with knee-breeches, silk stockings and low shoes with jeweled buckles. The hats to match these costumes had pointed tops and wide brims with small gold bells around the edges. His shirts were of fine linen with frilled bosoms, and his vests were richly embroidered with colored silks. Uncle Henry decided that he would first take a bath and then dress himself in a blue satin suit that had caught his fancy. He accepted his good fortune with calm composure and refused to have a servant to assist him. But Aunt Em was "all of a flutter," as she said, and it took Dorothy and Jellia Jamb, the housekeeper, and two maids a long time to dress her and do up her hair and get her "rigged like a popinjay," as she quaintly expressed it. She wanted to stop and admire everything that caught her eye, and she sighed continually and declared that such finery was too good for an old country woman, and that she never thought she would have to "put on airs" at her time of life. Finally she was dressed, and when they went into the sitting-room there was Uncle Henry in his blue satin, walking gravely up and down the room. He had trimmed his beard and mustache and looked very dignified and respectable. "Tell me, Dorothy," he said; "do all the men here wear duds like these?" "Yes," she replied; "all 'cept the Scarecrow and the Shaggy Man--and of course the Tin Woodman and Tiktok, who are made of metal. You'll find all the men at Ozma's court dressed just as you are--only perhaps a little finer." "Henry, you look like a play-actor," announced Aunt Em, looking at her husband critically. "An' you, Em, look more highfalutin' than a peacock," he replied. "I guess you're right," she said, regretfully; "but we're helpless victims of high-toned royalty." Dorothy was much amused. [Illustration] "Come with me," she said, "and I'll show you 'round the palace." She took them through the beautiful rooms and introduced them to all the people they chanced to meet. Also she showed them her own pretty rooms, which were not far from their own. "So it's all true," said Aunt Em, wide-eyed with amazement, "and what Dorothy told us of this fairy country was plain facts instead of dreams! But where are all the strange creatures you used to know here?" "Yes; where's the Scarecrow?" inquired Uncle Henry. "Why, he's just now away on a visit to the Tin Woodman, who is Emp'ror of the Winkie Country," answered the little girl. "You'll see him when he comes back, and you're sure to like him." "And where's the Wonderful Wizard?" asked Aunt Em. "You'll see him at Ozma's luncheon, for he lives in this palace," was the reply. "And Jack Pumpkinhead?" "Oh, he lives a little way out of town, in his own pumpkin field. We'll go there some time and see him, and we'll call on Professor Wogglebug, too. The Shaggy Man will be at the luncheon, I guess, and Tiktok. And now I'll take you out to see Billina, who has a house of her own." So they went into the back yard, and after walking along winding paths some distance through the beautiful gardens they came to an attractive little house where the Yellow Hen sat on the front porch sunning herself. "Good morning, my dear Mistress," called Billina, fluttering down to meet them. "I was expecting you to call, for I heard you had come back and brought your uncle and aunt with you." "We're here for good and all, this time, Billina," cried Dorothy, joyfully. "Uncle Henry and Aunt Em belong in Oz now as much as I do!" "Then they are very lucky people," declared Billina; "for there couldn't be a nicer place to live. But come, my dear; I must show you all my Dorothys. Nine are living and have grown up to be very respectable hens; but one took cold at Ozma's birthday party and died of the pip, and the other two turned out to be horrid roosters, so I had to change their names from Dorothy to Daniel. They all had the letter 'D' engraved upon their gold lockets, you remember, with your picture inside, and 'D' stands for Daniel as well as for Dorothy." "Did you call both the roosters Daniel?" asked Uncle Henry. "Yes, indeed. I've nine Dorothys and two Daniels; and the nine Dorothys have eighty-six sons and daughters and over three hundred grandchildren," said Billina, proudly. "What names do you give 'em all, dear?" inquired the little girl. "Oh, they are all Dorothys and Daniels, some being Juniors and some Double-Juniors. Dorothy and Daniel are two good names, and I see no object in hunting for others," declared the Yellow Hen. "But just think, Dorothy, what a big chicken family we've grown to be, and our numbers increase nearly every day! Ozma doesn't know what to do with all the eggs we lay, and we are never eaten or harmed in any way, as chickens are in your country. They give us everything to make us contented and happy, and I, my dear, am the acknowledged Queen and Governor of every chicken in Oz, because I'm the eldest and started the whole colony." "You ought to be very proud, ma'am," said Uncle Henry, who was astonished to hear a hen talk so sensibly. "Oh, I am," she replied. "I've the loveliest pearl necklace you ever saw. Come in the house and I'll show it to you. And I've nine leg bracelets and a diamond pin for each wing. But I only wear them on state occasions." They followed the Yellow Hen into the house, which Aunt Em declared was neat as a pin. They could not sit down, because all Billina's chairs were roosting-poles made of silver; so they had to stand while the hen fussily showed them her treasures. Then they had to go into the back rooms occupied by Billina's nine Dorothys and two Daniels, who were all plump yellow chickens and greeted the visitors very politely. It was easy to see that they were well bred and that Billina had looked after their education. In the yards were all the children and grandchildren of these eleven elders and they were of all sizes, from well-grown hens to tiny chickens just out of the shell. About fifty fluffy yellow youngsters were at school, being taught good manners and good grammar by a young hen who wore spectacles. They sang in chorus a patriotic song of the Land of Oz, in honor of their visitors, and Aunt Em was much impressed by these talking chickens. Dorothy wanted to stay and play with the young chickens for awhile, but Uncle Henry and Aunt Em had not seen the palace grounds and gardens yet and were eager to get better acquainted with the marvelous and delightful land in which they were to live. "I'll stay here, and you can go for a walk," said Dorothy. "You'll be perfec'ly safe anywhere, and may do whatever you want to. When you get tired, go back to the palace and find your rooms, and I'll come to you before luncheon is ready." So Uncle Henry and Aunt Em started out alone to explore the grounds, and Dorothy knew that they couldn't get lost, because all the palace grounds were enclosed by a high wall of green marble set with emeralds. It was a rare treat to these simple folk, who had lived in the country all their lives and known little enjoyment of any sort, to wear beautiful clothes and live in a palace and be treated with respect and consideration by all around them. They were very happy indeed as they strolled up the shady walks and looked upon the gorgeous flowers and shrubs, feeling that their new home was more beautiful than any tongue could describe. Suddenly, as they turned a corner and walked through a gap in a high hedge, they came face to face with an enormous Lion, which crouched upon the green lawn and seemed surprised by their appearance. They stopped short, Uncle Henry trembling with horror and Aunt Em too terrified to scream. Next moment the poor woman clasped her husband around the neck and cried: "Save me, Henry, save me!" "Can't even save myself, Em," he returned, in a husky voice, "for the animile looks as if it could eat both of us, an' lick its chops for more! If I only had a gun--" "Haven't you, Henry? Haven't you?" she asked anxiously. "Nary gun, Em. So let's die as brave an' graceful as we can. I knew our luck couldn't last!" "I won't die. I won't be eaten by a lion!" wailed Aunt Em, glaring upon the huge beast. Then a thought struck her, and she whispered: "Henry, I've heard as savage beastses can be conquered by the human eye. I'll eye that lion out o' countenance an' save our lives." "Try it, Em," he returned, also in a whisper. "Look at him as you do at me when I'm late to dinner." Aunt Em turned upon the Lion a determined countenance and a wild dilated eye. She glared at the immense beast steadily, and the Lion, who had been quietly blinking at them, began to appear uneasy and disturbed. [Illustration] "Is anything the matter, ma'am?" he asked, in a mild voice. At this speech from the terrible beast Aunt Em and Uncle Henry both were startled, and then Uncle Henry remembered that this must be the Lion they had seen in Ozma's Throne Room. "Hold on, Em!" he exclaimed. "Quit the eagle eye conquest an' take courage. I guess this is the same Cowardly Lion Dorothy has told us about." "Oh, is it?" she asked, much relieved. "When he spoke, I got the idea; and when he looked so 'shamed like, I was sure of it," Uncle Henry continued. Aunt Em regarded the animal with new interest. "Are you the Cowardly Lion?" she inquired. "Are you Dorothy's friend?" "Yes'm," answered the Lion, meekly. "Dorothy and I are old chums and are very fond of each other. I'm the King of Beasts, you know, and the Hungry Tiger and I serve Princess Ozma as her body guards." "To be sure," said Aunt Em, nodding. "But the King of Beasts shouldn't be cowardly." "I've heard that said before," remarked the Lion, yawning till he showed his two great rows of sharp white teeth; "but that does not keep me from being frightened whenever I go into battle." "What do you do, run?" asked Uncle Henry. "No; that would be foolish, for the enemy would run after me," declared the Lion. "So I tremble with fear and pitch in as hard as I can; and so far I have always won my fight." "Ah, I begin to understand," said Uncle Henry. "Were you scared when I looked at you just now?" inquired Aunt Em. "Terribly scared, madam," answered the Lion, "for at first I thought you were going to have a fit. Then I noticed you were trying to overcome me by the power of your eye, and your glance was so fierce and penetrating that I shook with fear." This greatly pleased the lady, and she said quite cheerfully: "Well, I won't hurt you, so don't be scared any more. I just wanted to see what the human eye was good for." "The human eye is a fearful weapon," remarked the Lion, scratching his nose softly with his paw to hide a smile. "Had I not known you were Dorothy's friends I might have torn you both into shreds in order to escape your terrible gaze." Aunt Em shuddered at hearing this, and Uncle Henry said hastily: "I'm glad you knew us. Good morning, Mr. Lion; we'll hope to see you again--by and by--some time in the future." "Good morning," replied the Lion, squatting down upon the lawn again. "You are likely to see a good deal of me, if you live in the Land of Oz." [Illustration] _How_ THE GRAND GALLIPOOT JOINED THE NOMES CHAPTER EIGHT [Illustration] After leaving the Whimsies, Guph continued on his journey and penetrated far into the Northwest. He wanted to get to the Country of the Growleywogs, and in order to do that he must cross the Ripple Land, which was a hard thing to do. For the Ripple Land was a succession of hills and valleys, all very steep and rocky, and they changed places constantly by rippling. While Guph was climbing a hill it sank down under him and became a valley, and while he was descending into a valley it rose up and carried him to the top of a hill. This was very perplexing to the traveler, and a stranger might have thought he could never cross the Ripple Land at all. But Guph knew that if he kept steadily on he would get to the end at last; so he paid no attention to the changing hills and valleys and plodded along as calmly as if walking upon the level ground. The result of this wise persistence was that the General finally reached firmer soil and, after penetrating a dense forest, came to the Dominion of the Growleywogs. No sooner had he crossed the border of this domain when two guards seized him and carried him before the Grand Gallipoot of the Growleywogs, who scowled upon him ferociously and asked him why he dared intrude upon his territory. "I'm the Lord High General of the Invincible Army of the Nomes, and my name is Guph," was the reply. "All the world trembles when that name is mentioned." The Growleywogs gave a shout of jeering laughter at this, and one of them caught the Nome in his strong arms and tossed him high into the air. Guph was considerably shaken when he fell upon the hard ground, but he appeared to take no notice of the impertinence and composed himself to speak again to the Grand Gallipoot. "My master, King Roquat the Red, has sent me here to confer with you. He wishes your assistance to conquer the Land of Oz." Here the General paused, and the Grand Gallipoot scowled upon him more terribly than ever and said: "Go on!" The voice of the Grand Gallipoot was partly a roar and partly a growl. He mumbled his words badly and Guph had to listen carefully in order to understand him. These Growleywogs were certainly remarkable creatures. They were of gigantic size, yet were all bone and skin and muscle, there being no meat or fat upon their bodies at all. Their powerful muscles lay just underneath their skins, like bunches of tough rope, and the weakest Growleywog was so strong that he could pick up an elephant and toss it seven miles away. It seems unfortunate that strong people are usually so disagreeable and overbearing that no one cares for them. In fact, to be different from your fellow creatures is always a misfortune. The Growleywogs knew that they were disliked and avoided by every one, so they had become surly and unsociable even among themselves. Guph knew that they hated all people, including the Nomes; but he hoped to win them over, nevertheless, and knew that if he succeeded they would afford him very powerful assistance. "The Land of Oz is ruled by a namby-pamby girl who is disgustingly kind and good," he continued. "Her people are all happy and contented and have no care or worries whatever." "Go on!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. [Illustration] "Once the Nome King enslaved the Royal Family of Ev--another goody-goody lot that we detest," said the General. "But Ozma interfered, although it was none of her business, and marched her army against us. With her was a Kansas girl named Dorothy, and a Yellow Hen, and they marched directly into the Nome King's cavern. There they liberated our slaves from Ev and stole King Roquat's Magic Belt, which they carried away with them. So now our King is making a tunnel under the deadly desert, so we can march through it to the Emerald City. When we get there we mean to conquer and destroy all the land and recapture the Magic Belt." Again he paused, and again the Grand Gallipoot growled: "Go on!" Guph tried to think what to say next, and a happy thought soon occurred to him. "We want you to help us in this conquest," he announced, "for we need the mighty aid of the Growleywogs in order to make sure that we shall not be defeated. You are the strongest people in all the world, and you hate good and happy creatures as much as we Nomes do. I am sure it will be a real pleasure to you to tear down the beautiful Emerald City, and in return for your valuable assistance we will allow you to bring back to your country ten thousand people of Oz, to be your slaves." "Twenty thousand!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. "All right, we promise you twenty thousand," agreed the General. The Gallipoot made a signal and at once his attendants picked up General Guph and carried him away to a prison, where the jailor amused himself by sticking pins in the round fat body of the old Nome, to see him jump and hear him yell. But while this was going on the Grand Gallipoot was talking with his counselors, who were the most important officials of the Growleywogs. When he had stated to them the proposition of the Nome King he said: "My advice is to offer to help them. Then, when we have conquered the Land of Oz, we will take not only our twenty thousand prisoners but all the gold and jewels we want." "Let us take the Magic Belt, too," suggested one counselor. "And rob the Nome King and make him our slave," said another. "That is a good idea," declared the Grand Gallipoot. "I'd like King Roquat for my own slave. He could black my boots and bring me my porridge every morning while I am in bed." "There is a famous Scarecrow in Oz. I'll take him for my slave," said a counselor. "I'll take Tiktok, the machine man," said another. "Give me the Tin Woodman," said a third. They went on for some time, dividing up the people and the treasure of Oz in advance of the conquest. For they had no doubt at all that they would be able to destroy Ozma's domain. Were they not the strongest people in all the world? "The deadly desert has kept us out of Oz before," remarked the Grand Gallipoot, "but now that the Nome King is building a tunnel we shall get into the Emerald City very easily. So let us send the little fat General back to his King with our promise to assist him. We will not say that we intend to conquer the Nomes after we have conquered Oz, but we will do so, just the same." This plan being agreed upon, they all went home to dinner, leaving General Guph still in prison. The Nome had no idea that he had succeeded in his mission, for finding himself in prison he feared the Growleywogs intended to put him to death. By this time the jailor had tired of sticking pins in the General, and was amusing himself by carefully pulling the Nome's whiskers out by the roots, one at a time. This enjoyment was interrupted by the Grand Gallipoot sending for the prisoner. "Wait a few hours," begged the jailor. "I haven't pulled out a quarter of his whiskers yet." "If you keep the Grand Gallipoot waiting he'll break your back," declared the messenger. "Perhaps you're right," sighed the jailor. "Take the prisoner away, if you will, but I advise you to kick him at every step he takes. It will be good fun, for he is as soft as a ripe peach." [Illustration] So Guph was led away to the royal castle, where the Grand Gallipoot told him that the Growleywogs had decided to assist the Nomes in conquering the Land of Oz. "Whenever you are ready," he added, "send me word and I will march with eighteen thousand of my most powerful warriors to your aid." Guph was so delighted that he forgot all the smarting caused by the pins and the pulling of whiskers. He did not even complain of the treatment he had received, but thanked the Grand Gallipoot and hurried away upon his journey. He had now secured the assistance of the Whimsies and the Growleywogs; but his success made him long for still more allies. His own life depended upon his conquering Oz, and he said to himself: "I'll take no chances. I'll be certain of success.

did

How many times the word 'did' appears in the text?

CHAPTER SIX [Illustration] The new General of the Nome King's army knew perfectly well that to fail in his plans meant death for him. Yet he was not at all anxious or worried. He hated every one who was good and longed to make all who were happy unhappy. Therefore he had accepted this dangerous position as General quite willingly, feeling sure in his evil mind that he would be able to do a lot of mischief and finally conquer the Land of Oz. Yet Guph determined to be careful, and to lay his plans well, so as not to fail. He argued that only careless people fail in what they attempt to do. The mountains underneath which the Nome King's extensive caverns were located lay grouped just north of the Land of Ev, which lay directly across the deadly desert to the east of the Land of Oz. As the mountains were also on the edge of the desert the Nome King found that he had only to tunnel underneath the desert to reach Ozma's dominions. He did not wish his armies to appear above ground in the Country of the Winkies, which was the part of the Land of Oz nearest to King Roquat's own country, as then the people would give the alarm and enable Ozma to fortify the Emerald City and assemble an army. He wanted to take all the Oz people by surprise; so he decided to run the tunnel clear through to the Emerald City, where he and his hosts could break through the ground without warning and conquer the people before they had time to defend themselves. Roquat the Red began work at once upon his tunnel, setting a thousand miners at the task and building it high and broad enough for his armies to march through it with ease. The Nomes were used to making tunnels, as all the kingdom in which they lived was under ground; so they made rapid progress. While this work was going on General Guph started out alone to visit the Chief of the Whimsies. These Whimsies were curious people who lived in a retired country of their own. They had large, strong bodies, but heads so small that they were no bigger than door-knobs. Of course, such tiny heads could not contain any great amount of brains, and the Whimsies were so ashamed of their personal appearance and lack of commonsense that they wore big heads, made of pasteboard, which they fastened over their own little heads. On these pasteboard heads they sewed sheep's wool for hair, and the wool was colored many tints--pink, green and lavender being the favorite colors. The faces of these false heads were painted in many ridiculous ways, according to the whims of the owners, and these big, burly creatures looked so whimsical and absurd in their queer masks that they were called "Whimsies." They foolishly imagined that no one would suspect the little heads that were inside the imitation ones, not knowing that it is folly to try to appear otherwise than as nature has made us. The Chief of the Whimsies had as little wisdom as the others, and had been chosen chief merely because none among them was any wiser or more capable of ruling. The Whimsies were evil spirits and could not be killed. They were hated and feared by every one and were known as terrible fighters because they were so strong and muscular and had not sense enough to know when they were defeated. General Guph thought the Whimsies would be a great help to the Nomes in the conquest of Oz, for under his leadership they could be induced to fight as long so they could stand up. So he traveled to their country and asked to see the Chief, who lived in a house that had a picture of his grotesque false head painted over the doorway. The Chief's false head had blue hair, a turned-up nose, and a mouth that stretched half across the face. Big green eyes had been painted upon it, but in the center of the chin were two small holes made in the pasteboard, so that the Chief could see through them with his own tiny eyes; for when the big head was fastened upon his shoulders the eyes in his own natural head were on a level with the false chin. Said General Guph to the Chief of the Whimsies: "We Nomes are going to conquer the Land of Oz and capture our King's Magic Belt, which the Oz people stole from him. Then we are going to plunder and destroy the whole country. And we want the Whimsies to help us." "Will there be any fighting?" asked the Chief. "Plenty," replied Guph. That must have pleased the Chief, for he got up and danced around the room three times. Then he seated himself again, adjusted his false head, and said: "We have no quarrel with Ozma of Oz." "But you Whimsies love to fight, and here is a splendid chance to do so," urged Guph. "Wait till I sing a song," said the Chief. Then he lay back in his chair and sang a foolish song that did not seem to the General to mean anything, although he listened carefully. When he had finished, the Chief Whimsie looked at him through the holes in his chin and asked: "What reward will you give us if we help you?" The General was prepared for this question, for he had been thinking the matter over on his journey. People often do a good deed without hope of reward, but for an evil deed they always demand payment. [Illustration] "When we get our Magic Belt," he made reply, "our King, Roquat the Red, will use its power to give every Whimsie a natural head as big and fine as the false head he now wears. Then you will no longer be ashamed because your big strong bodies have such teenty-weenty heads." "Oh! Will you do that?" asked the Chief, eagerly. "We surely will," promised the General. "I'll talk to my people," said the Chief. So he called a meeting of all the Whimsies and told them of the offer made by the Nomes. The creatures were delighted with the bargain, and at once agreed to fight for the Nome King and help him to conquer Oz. [Illustration] One Whimsie alone seemed to have a glimmer of sense, for he asked: "Suppose we fail to capture the Magic Belt? What will happen then, and what good will all our fighting do?" But they threw him into the river for asking foolish questions, and laughed when the water ruined his pasteboard head before he could swim out again. So the compact was made and General Guph was delighted with his success in gaining such powerful allies. But there were other people, too, just as important as the Whimsies, whom the clever old Nome had determined to win to his side. [Illustration] _How_ AUNT EM CONQUERED THE LION CHAPTER SEVEN [Illustration] "These are your rooms," said Dorothy, opening a door. Aunt Em drew back at sight of the splendid furniture and draperies. "Ain't there any place to wipe my feet?" she asked. "You will soon change your slippers for new shoes," replied Dorothy. "Don't be afraid, Aunt Em. Here is where you are to live, so walk right in and make yourself at home." Aunt Em advanced hesitatingly. "It beats the Topeka Hotel!" she cried, admiringly. "But this place is too grand for us, child. Can't we have some back room in the attic, that's more in our class?" "No," said Dorothy. "You've got to live here, 'cause Ozma says so. And all the rooms in this palace are just as fine as these, and some are better. It won't do any good to fuss, Aunt Em. You've got to be swell and high-toned in the Land of Oz, whether you want to or not; so you may as well make up your mind to it." "It's hard luck," replied her aunt, looking around with an awed expression; "but folks can get used to anything, if they try. Eh, Henry?" "Why, as to that," said Uncle Henry, slowly, "I b'lieve in takin' what's pervided us, an' askin' no questions. I've traveled some, Em, in my time, and you hain't; an' that makes a difference atween us." Then Dorothy showed them through the rooms. The first was a handsome sitting-room, with windows opening upon the rose gardens. Then came separate bedrooms for Aunt Em and Uncle Henry, with a fine bathroom between them. Aunt Em had a pretty dressing room, besides, and Dorothy opened the closets and showed several exquisite costumes that had been provided for her aunt by the royal dressmakers, who had worked all night to get them ready. Everything that Aunt Em could possibly need was in the drawers and closets, and her dressing-table was covered with engraved gold toilet articles. Uncle Henry had nine suits of clothes, cut in the popular Munchkin fashion, with knee-breeches, silk stockings and low shoes with jeweled buckles. The hats to match these costumes had pointed tops and wide brims with small gold bells around the edges. His shirts were of fine linen with frilled bosoms, and his vests were richly embroidered with colored silks. Uncle Henry decided that he would first take a bath and then dress himself in a blue satin suit that had caught his fancy. He accepted his good fortune with calm composure and refused to have a servant to assist him. But Aunt Em was "all of a flutter," as she said, and it took Dorothy and Jellia Jamb, the housekeeper, and two maids a long time to dress her and do up her hair and get her "rigged like a popinjay," as she quaintly expressed it. She wanted to stop and admire everything that caught her eye, and she sighed continually and declared that such finery was too good for an old country woman, and that she never thought she would have to "put on airs" at her time of life. Finally she was dressed, and when they went into the sitting-room there was Uncle Henry in his blue satin, walking gravely up and down the room. He had trimmed his beard and mustache and looked very dignified and respectable. "Tell me, Dorothy," he said; "do all the men here wear duds like these?" "Yes," she replied; "all 'cept the Scarecrow and the Shaggy Man--and of course the Tin Woodman and Tiktok, who are made of metal. You'll find all the men at Ozma's court dressed just as you are--only perhaps a little finer." "Henry, you look like a play-actor," announced Aunt Em, looking at her husband critically. "An' you, Em, look more highfalutin' than a peacock," he replied. "I guess you're right," she said, regretfully; "but we're helpless victims of high-toned royalty." Dorothy was much amused. [Illustration] "Come with me," she said, "and I'll show you 'round the palace." She took them through the beautiful rooms and introduced them to all the people they chanced to meet. Also she showed them her own pretty rooms, which were not far from their own. "So it's all true," said Aunt Em, wide-eyed with amazement, "and what Dorothy told us of this fairy country was plain facts instead of dreams! But where are all the strange creatures you used to know here?" "Yes; where's the Scarecrow?" inquired Uncle Henry. "Why, he's just now away on a visit to the Tin Woodman, who is Emp'ror of the Winkie Country," answered the little girl. "You'll see him when he comes back, and you're sure to like him." "And where's the Wonderful Wizard?" asked Aunt Em. "You'll see him at Ozma's luncheon, for he lives in this palace," was the reply. "And Jack Pumpkinhead?" "Oh, he lives a little way out of town, in his own pumpkin field. We'll go there some time and see him, and we'll call on Professor Wogglebug, too. The Shaggy Man will be at the luncheon, I guess, and Tiktok. And now I'll take you out to see Billina, who has a house of her own." So they went into the back yard, and after walking along winding paths some distance through the beautiful gardens they came to an attractive little house where the Yellow Hen sat on the front porch sunning herself. "Good morning, my dear Mistress," called Billina, fluttering down to meet them. "I was expecting you to call, for I heard you had come back and brought your uncle and aunt with you." "We're here for good and all, this time, Billina," cried Dorothy, joyfully. "Uncle Henry and Aunt Em belong in Oz now as much as I do!" "Then they are very lucky people," declared Billina; "for there couldn't be a nicer place to live. But come, my dear; I must show you all my Dorothys. Nine are living and have grown up to be very respectable hens; but one took cold at Ozma's birthday party and died of the pip, and the other two turned out to be horrid roosters, so I had to change their names from Dorothy to Daniel. They all had the letter 'D' engraved upon their gold lockets, you remember, with your picture inside, and 'D' stands for Daniel as well as for Dorothy." "Did you call both the roosters Daniel?" asked Uncle Henry. "Yes, indeed. I've nine Dorothys and two Daniels; and the nine Dorothys have eighty-six sons and daughters and over three hundred grandchildren," said Billina, proudly. "What names do you give 'em all, dear?" inquired the little girl. "Oh, they are all Dorothys and Daniels, some being Juniors and some Double-Juniors. Dorothy and Daniel are two good names, and I see no object in hunting for others," declared the Yellow Hen. "But just think, Dorothy, what a big chicken family we've grown to be, and our numbers increase nearly every day! Ozma doesn't know what to do with all the eggs we lay, and we are never eaten or harmed in any way, as chickens are in your country. They give us everything to make us contented and happy, and I, my dear, am the acknowledged Queen and Governor of every chicken in Oz, because I'm the eldest and started the whole colony." "You ought to be very proud, ma'am," said Uncle Henry, who was astonished to hear a hen talk so sensibly. "Oh, I am," she replied. "I've the loveliest pearl necklace you ever saw. Come in the house and I'll show it to you. And I've nine leg bracelets and a diamond pin for each wing. But I only wear them on state occasions." They followed the Yellow Hen into the house, which Aunt Em declared was neat as a pin. They could not sit down, because all Billina's chairs were roosting-poles made of silver; so they had to stand while the hen fussily showed them her treasures. Then they had to go into the back rooms occupied by Billina's nine Dorothys and two Daniels, who were all plump yellow chickens and greeted the visitors very politely. It was easy to see that they were well bred and that Billina had looked after their education. In the yards were all the children and grandchildren of these eleven elders and they were of all sizes, from well-grown hens to tiny chickens just out of the shell. About fifty fluffy yellow youngsters were at school, being taught good manners and good grammar by a young hen who wore spectacles. They sang in chorus a patriotic song of the Land of Oz, in honor of their visitors, and Aunt Em was much impressed by these talking chickens. Dorothy wanted to stay and play with the young chickens for awhile, but Uncle Henry and Aunt Em had not seen the palace grounds and gardens yet and were eager to get better acquainted with the marvelous and delightful land in which they were to live. "I'll stay here, and you can go for a walk," said Dorothy. "You'll be perfec'ly safe anywhere, and may do whatever you want to. When you get tired, go back to the palace and find your rooms, and I'll come to you before luncheon is ready." So Uncle Henry and Aunt Em started out alone to explore the grounds, and Dorothy knew that they couldn't get lost, because all the palace grounds were enclosed by a high wall of green marble set with emeralds. It was a rare treat to these simple folk, who had lived in the country all their lives and known little enjoyment of any sort, to wear beautiful clothes and live in a palace and be treated with respect and consideration by all around them. They were very happy indeed as they strolled up the shady walks and looked upon the gorgeous flowers and shrubs, feeling that their new home was more beautiful than any tongue could describe. Suddenly, as they turned a corner and walked through a gap in a high hedge, they came face to face with an enormous Lion, which crouched upon the green lawn and seemed surprised by their appearance. They stopped short, Uncle Henry trembling with horror and Aunt Em too terrified to scream. Next moment the poor woman clasped her husband around the neck and cried: "Save me, Henry, save me!" "Can't even save myself, Em," he returned, in a husky voice, "for the animile looks as if it could eat both of us, an' lick its chops for more! If I only had a gun--" "Haven't you, Henry? Haven't you?" she asked anxiously. "Nary gun, Em. So let's die as brave an' graceful as we can. I knew our luck couldn't last!" "I won't die. I won't be eaten by a lion!" wailed Aunt Em, glaring upon the huge beast. Then a thought struck her, and she whispered: "Henry, I've heard as savage beastses can be conquered by the human eye. I'll eye that lion out o' countenance an' save our lives." "Try it, Em," he returned, also in a whisper. "Look at him as you do at me when I'm late to dinner." Aunt Em turned upon the Lion a determined countenance and a wild dilated eye. She glared at the immense beast steadily, and the Lion, who had been quietly blinking at them, began to appear uneasy and disturbed. [Illustration] "Is anything the matter, ma'am?" he asked, in a mild voice. At this speech from the terrible beast Aunt Em and Uncle Henry both were startled, and then Uncle Henry remembered that this must be the Lion they had seen in Ozma's Throne Room. "Hold on, Em!" he exclaimed. "Quit the eagle eye conquest an' take courage. I guess this is the same Cowardly Lion Dorothy has told us about." "Oh, is it?" she asked, much relieved. "When he spoke, I got the idea; and when he looked so 'shamed like, I was sure of it," Uncle Henry continued. Aunt Em regarded the animal with new interest. "Are you the Cowardly Lion?" she inquired. "Are you Dorothy's friend?" "Yes'm," answered the Lion, meekly. "Dorothy and I are old chums and are very fond of each other. I'm the King of Beasts, you know, and the Hungry Tiger and I serve Princess Ozma as her body guards." "To be sure," said Aunt Em, nodding. "But the King of Beasts shouldn't be cowardly." "I've heard that said before," remarked the Lion, yawning till he showed his two great rows of sharp white teeth; "but that does not keep me from being frightened whenever I go into battle." "What do you do, run?" asked Uncle Henry. "No; that would be foolish, for the enemy would run after me," declared the Lion. "So I tremble with fear and pitch in as hard as I can; and so far I have always won my fight." "Ah, I begin to understand," said Uncle Henry. "Were you scared when I looked at you just now?" inquired Aunt Em. "Terribly scared, madam," answered the Lion, "for at first I thought you were going to have a fit. Then I noticed you were trying to overcome me by the power of your eye, and your glance was so fierce and penetrating that I shook with fear." This greatly pleased the lady, and she said quite cheerfully: "Well, I won't hurt you, so don't be scared any more. I just wanted to see what the human eye was good for." "The human eye is a fearful weapon," remarked the Lion, scratching his nose softly with his paw to hide a smile. "Had I not known you were Dorothy's friends I might have torn you both into shreds in order to escape your terrible gaze." Aunt Em shuddered at hearing this, and Uncle Henry said hastily: "I'm glad you knew us. Good morning, Mr. Lion; we'll hope to see you again--by and by--some time in the future." "Good morning," replied the Lion, squatting down upon the lawn again. "You are likely to see a good deal of me, if you live in the Land of Oz." [Illustration] _How_ THE GRAND GALLIPOOT JOINED THE NOMES CHAPTER EIGHT [Illustration] After leaving the Whimsies, Guph continued on his journey and penetrated far into the Northwest. He wanted to get to the Country of the Growleywogs, and in order to do that he must cross the Ripple Land, which was a hard thing to do. For the Ripple Land was a succession of hills and valleys, all very steep and rocky, and they changed places constantly by rippling. While Guph was climbing a hill it sank down under him and became a valley, and while he was descending into a valley it rose up and carried him to the top of a hill. This was very perplexing to the traveler, and a stranger might have thought he could never cross the Ripple Land at all. But Guph knew that if he kept steadily on he would get to the end at last; so he paid no attention to the changing hills and valleys and plodded along as calmly as if walking upon the level ground. The result of this wise persistence was that the General finally reached firmer soil and, after penetrating a dense forest, came to the Dominion of the Growleywogs. No sooner had he crossed the border of this domain when two guards seized him and carried him before the Grand Gallipoot of the Growleywogs, who scowled upon him ferociously and asked him why he dared intrude upon his territory. "I'm the Lord High General of the Invincible Army of the Nomes, and my name is Guph," was the reply. "All the world trembles when that name is mentioned." The Growleywogs gave a shout of jeering laughter at this, and one of them caught the Nome in his strong arms and tossed him high into the air. Guph was considerably shaken when he fell upon the hard ground, but he appeared to take no notice of the impertinence and composed himself to speak again to the Grand Gallipoot. "My master, King Roquat the Red, has sent me here to confer with you. He wishes your assistance to conquer the Land of Oz." Here the General paused, and the Grand Gallipoot scowled upon him more terribly than ever and said: "Go on!" The voice of the Grand Gallipoot was partly a roar and partly a growl. He mumbled his words badly and Guph had to listen carefully in order to understand him. These Growleywogs were certainly remarkable creatures. They were of gigantic size, yet were all bone and skin and muscle, there being no meat or fat upon their bodies at all. Their powerful muscles lay just underneath their skins, like bunches of tough rope, and the weakest Growleywog was so strong that he could pick up an elephant and toss it seven miles away. It seems unfortunate that strong people are usually so disagreeable and overbearing that no one cares for them. In fact, to be different from your fellow creatures is always a misfortune. The Growleywogs knew that they were disliked and avoided by every one, so they had become surly and unsociable even among themselves. Guph knew that they hated all people, including the Nomes; but he hoped to win them over, nevertheless, and knew that if he succeeded they would afford him very powerful assistance. "The Land of Oz is ruled by a namby-pamby girl who is disgustingly kind and good," he continued. "Her people are all happy and contented and have no care or worries whatever." "Go on!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. [Illustration] "Once the Nome King enslaved the Royal Family of Ev--another goody-goody lot that we detest," said the General. "But Ozma interfered, although it was none of her business, and marched her army against us. With her was a Kansas girl named Dorothy, and a Yellow Hen, and they marched directly into the Nome King's cavern. There they liberated our slaves from Ev and stole King Roquat's Magic Belt, which they carried away with them. So now our King is making a tunnel under the deadly desert, so we can march through it to the Emerald City. When we get there we mean to conquer and destroy all the land and recapture the Magic Belt." Again he paused, and again the Grand Gallipoot growled: "Go on!" Guph tried to think what to say next, and a happy thought soon occurred to him. "We want you to help us in this conquest," he announced, "for we need the mighty aid of the Growleywogs in order to make sure that we shall not be defeated. You are the strongest people in all the world, and you hate good and happy creatures as much as we Nomes do. I am sure it will be a real pleasure to you to tear down the beautiful Emerald City, and in return for your valuable assistance we will allow you to bring back to your country ten thousand people of Oz, to be your slaves." "Twenty thousand!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. "All right, we promise you twenty thousand," agreed the General. The Gallipoot made a signal and at once his attendants picked up General Guph and carried him away to a prison, where the jailor amused himself by sticking pins in the round fat body of the old Nome, to see him jump and hear him yell. But while this was going on the Grand Gallipoot was talking with his counselors, who were the most important officials of the Growleywogs. When he had stated to them the proposition of the Nome King he said: "My advice is to offer to help them. Then, when we have conquered the Land of Oz, we will take not only our twenty thousand prisoners but all the gold and jewels we want." "Let us take the Magic Belt, too," suggested one counselor. "And rob the Nome King and make him our slave," said another. "That is a good idea," declared the Grand Gallipoot. "I'd like King Roquat for my own slave. He could black my boots and bring me my porridge every morning while I am in bed." "There is a famous Scarecrow in Oz. I'll take him for my slave," said a counselor. "I'll take Tiktok, the machine man," said another. "Give me the Tin Woodman," said a third. They went on for some time, dividing up the people and the treasure of Oz in advance of the conquest. For they had no doubt at all that they would be able to destroy Ozma's domain. Were they not the strongest people in all the world? "The deadly desert has kept us out of Oz before," remarked the Grand Gallipoot, "but now that the Nome King is building a tunnel we shall get into the Emerald City very easily. So let us send the little fat General back to his King with our promise to assist him. We will not say that we intend to conquer the Nomes after we have conquered Oz, but we will do so, just the same." This plan being agreed upon, they all went home to dinner, leaving General Guph still in prison. The Nome had no idea that he had succeeded in his mission, for finding himself in prison he feared the Growleywogs intended to put him to death. By this time the jailor had tired of sticking pins in the General, and was amusing himself by carefully pulling the Nome's whiskers out by the roots, one at a time. This enjoyment was interrupted by the Grand Gallipoot sending for the prisoner. "Wait a few hours," begged the jailor. "I haven't pulled out a quarter of his whiskers yet." "If you keep the Grand Gallipoot waiting he'll break your back," declared the messenger. "Perhaps you're right," sighed the jailor. "Take the prisoner away, if you will, but I advise you to kick him at every step he takes. It will be good fun, for he is as soft as a ripe peach." [Illustration] So Guph was led away to the royal castle, where the Grand Gallipoot told him that the Growleywogs had decided to assist the Nomes in conquering the Land of Oz. "Whenever you are ready," he added, "send me word and I will march with eighteen thousand of my most powerful warriors to your aid." Guph was so delighted that he forgot all the smarting caused by the pins and the pulling of whiskers. He did not even complain of the treatment he had received, but thanked the Grand Gallipoot and hurried away upon his journey. He had now secured the assistance of the Whimsies and the Growleywogs; but his success made him long for still more allies. His own life depended upon his conquering Oz, and he said to himself: "I'll take no chances. I'll be certain of success.

be

How many times the word 'be' appears in the text?

CHAPTER SIX [Illustration] The new General of the Nome King's army knew perfectly well that to fail in his plans meant death for him. Yet he was not at all anxious or worried. He hated every one who was good and longed to make all who were happy unhappy. Therefore he had accepted this dangerous position as General quite willingly, feeling sure in his evil mind that he would be able to do a lot of mischief and finally conquer the Land of Oz. Yet Guph determined to be careful, and to lay his plans well, so as not to fail. He argued that only careless people fail in what they attempt to do. The mountains underneath which the Nome King's extensive caverns were located lay grouped just north of the Land of Ev, which lay directly across the deadly desert to the east of the Land of Oz. As the mountains were also on the edge of the desert the Nome King found that he had only to tunnel underneath the desert to reach Ozma's dominions. He did not wish his armies to appear above ground in the Country of the Winkies, which was the part of the Land of Oz nearest to King Roquat's own country, as then the people would give the alarm and enable Ozma to fortify the Emerald City and assemble an army. He wanted to take all the Oz people by surprise; so he decided to run the tunnel clear through to the Emerald City, where he and his hosts could break through the ground without warning and conquer the people before they had time to defend themselves. Roquat the Red began work at once upon his tunnel, setting a thousand miners at the task and building it high and broad enough for his armies to march through it with ease. The Nomes were used to making tunnels, as all the kingdom in which they lived was under ground; so they made rapid progress. While this work was going on General Guph started out alone to visit the Chief of the Whimsies. These Whimsies were curious people who lived in a retired country of their own. They had large, strong bodies, but heads so small that they were no bigger than door-knobs. Of course, such tiny heads could not contain any great amount of brains, and the Whimsies were so ashamed of their personal appearance and lack of commonsense that they wore big heads, made of pasteboard, which they fastened over their own little heads. On these pasteboard heads they sewed sheep's wool for hair, and the wool was colored many tints--pink, green and lavender being the favorite colors. The faces of these false heads were painted in many ridiculous ways, according to the whims of the owners, and these big, burly creatures looked so whimsical and absurd in their queer masks that they were called "Whimsies." They foolishly imagined that no one would suspect the little heads that were inside the imitation ones, not knowing that it is folly to try to appear otherwise than as nature has made us. The Chief of the Whimsies had as little wisdom as the others, and had been chosen chief merely because none among them was any wiser or more capable of ruling. The Whimsies were evil spirits and could not be killed. They were hated and feared by every one and were known as terrible fighters because they were so strong and muscular and had not sense enough to know when they were defeated. General Guph thought the Whimsies would be a great help to the Nomes in the conquest of Oz, for under his leadership they could be induced to fight as long so they could stand up. So he traveled to their country and asked to see the Chief, who lived in a house that had a picture of his grotesque false head painted over the doorway. The Chief's false head had blue hair, a turned-up nose, and a mouth that stretched half across the face. Big green eyes had been painted upon it, but in the center of the chin were two small holes made in the pasteboard, so that the Chief could see through them with his own tiny eyes; for when the big head was fastened upon his shoulders the eyes in his own natural head were on a level with the false chin. Said General Guph to the Chief of the Whimsies: "We Nomes are going to conquer the Land of Oz and capture our King's Magic Belt, which the Oz people stole from him. Then we are going to plunder and destroy the whole country. And we want the Whimsies to help us." "Will there be any fighting?" asked the Chief. "Plenty," replied Guph. That must have pleased the Chief, for he got up and danced around the room three times. Then he seated himself again, adjusted his false head, and said: "We have no quarrel with Ozma of Oz." "But you Whimsies love to fight, and here is a splendid chance to do so," urged Guph. "Wait till I sing a song," said the Chief. Then he lay back in his chair and sang a foolish song that did not seem to the General to mean anything, although he listened carefully. When he had finished, the Chief Whimsie looked at him through the holes in his chin and asked: "What reward will you give us if we help you?" The General was prepared for this question, for he had been thinking the matter over on his journey. People often do a good deed without hope of reward, but for an evil deed they always demand payment. [Illustration] "When we get our Magic Belt," he made reply, "our King, Roquat the Red, will use its power to give every Whimsie a natural head as big and fine as the false head he now wears. Then you will no longer be ashamed because your big strong bodies have such teenty-weenty heads." "Oh! Will you do that?" asked the Chief, eagerly. "We surely will," promised the General. "I'll talk to my people," said the Chief. So he called a meeting of all the Whimsies and told them of the offer made by the Nomes. The creatures were delighted with the bargain, and at once agreed to fight for the Nome King and help him to conquer Oz. [Illustration] One Whimsie alone seemed to have a glimmer of sense, for he asked: "Suppose we fail to capture the Magic Belt? What will happen then, and what good will all our fighting do?" But they threw him into the river for asking foolish questions, and laughed when the water ruined his pasteboard head before he could swim out again. So the compact was made and General Guph was delighted with his success in gaining such powerful allies. But there were other people, too, just as important as the Whimsies, whom the clever old Nome had determined to win to his side. [Illustration] _How_ AUNT EM CONQUERED THE LION CHAPTER SEVEN [Illustration] "These are your rooms," said Dorothy, opening a door. Aunt Em drew back at sight of the splendid furniture and draperies. "Ain't there any place to wipe my feet?" she asked. "You will soon change your slippers for new shoes," replied Dorothy. "Don't be afraid, Aunt Em. Here is where you are to live, so walk right in and make yourself at home." Aunt Em advanced hesitatingly. "It beats the Topeka Hotel!" she cried, admiringly. "But this place is too grand for us, child. Can't we have some back room in the attic, that's more in our class?" "No," said Dorothy. "You've got to live here, 'cause Ozma says so. And all the rooms in this palace are just as fine as these, and some are better. It won't do any good to fuss, Aunt Em. You've got to be swell and high-toned in the Land of Oz, whether you want to or not; so you may as well make up your mind to it." "It's hard luck," replied her aunt, looking around with an awed expression; "but folks can get used to anything, if they try. Eh, Henry?" "Why, as to that," said Uncle Henry, slowly, "I b'lieve in takin' what's pervided us, an' askin' no questions. I've traveled some, Em, in my time, and you hain't; an' that makes a difference atween us." Then Dorothy showed them through the rooms. The first was a handsome sitting-room, with windows opening upon the rose gardens. Then came separate bedrooms for Aunt Em and Uncle Henry, with a fine bathroom between them. Aunt Em had a pretty dressing room, besides, and Dorothy opened the closets and showed several exquisite costumes that had been provided for her aunt by the royal dressmakers, who had worked all night to get them ready. Everything that Aunt Em could possibly need was in the drawers and closets, and her dressing-table was covered with engraved gold toilet articles. Uncle Henry had nine suits of clothes, cut in the popular Munchkin fashion, with knee-breeches, silk stockings and low shoes with jeweled buckles. The hats to match these costumes had pointed tops and wide brims with small gold bells around the edges. His shirts were of fine linen with frilled bosoms, and his vests were richly embroidered with colored silks. Uncle Henry decided that he would first take a bath and then dress himself in a blue satin suit that had caught his fancy. He accepted his good fortune with calm composure and refused to have a servant to assist him. But Aunt Em was "all of a flutter," as she said, and it took Dorothy and Jellia Jamb, the housekeeper, and two maids a long time to dress her and do up her hair and get her "rigged like a popinjay," as she quaintly expressed it. She wanted to stop and admire everything that caught her eye, and she sighed continually and declared that such finery was too good for an old country woman, and that she never thought she would have to "put on airs" at her time of life. Finally she was dressed, and when they went into the sitting-room there was Uncle Henry in his blue satin, walking gravely up and down the room. He had trimmed his beard and mustache and looked very dignified and respectable. "Tell me, Dorothy," he said; "do all the men here wear duds like these?" "Yes," she replied; "all 'cept the Scarecrow and the Shaggy Man--and of course the Tin Woodman and Tiktok, who are made of metal. You'll find all the men at Ozma's court dressed just as you are--only perhaps a little finer." "Henry, you look like a play-actor," announced Aunt Em, looking at her husband critically. "An' you, Em, look more highfalutin' than a peacock," he replied. "I guess you're right," she said, regretfully; "but we're helpless victims of high-toned royalty." Dorothy was much amused. [Illustration] "Come with me," she said, "and I'll show you 'round the palace." She took them through the beautiful rooms and introduced them to all the people they chanced to meet. Also she showed them her own pretty rooms, which were not far from their own. "So it's all true," said Aunt Em, wide-eyed with amazement, "and what Dorothy told us of this fairy country was plain facts instead of dreams! But where are all the strange creatures you used to know here?" "Yes; where's the Scarecrow?" inquired Uncle Henry. "Why, he's just now away on a visit to the Tin Woodman, who is Emp'ror of the Winkie Country," answered the little girl. "You'll see him when he comes back, and you're sure to like him." "And where's the Wonderful Wizard?" asked Aunt Em. "You'll see him at Ozma's luncheon, for he lives in this palace," was the reply. "And Jack Pumpkinhead?" "Oh, he lives a little way out of town, in his own pumpkin field. We'll go there some time and see him, and we'll call on Professor Wogglebug, too. The Shaggy Man will be at the luncheon, I guess, and Tiktok. And now I'll take you out to see Billina, who has a house of her own." So they went into the back yard, and after walking along winding paths some distance through the beautiful gardens they came to an attractive little house where the Yellow Hen sat on the front porch sunning herself. "Good morning, my dear Mistress," called Billina, fluttering down to meet them. "I was expecting you to call, for I heard you had come back and brought your uncle and aunt with you." "We're here for good and all, this time, Billina," cried Dorothy, joyfully. "Uncle Henry and Aunt Em belong in Oz now as much as I do!" "Then they are very lucky people," declared Billina; "for there couldn't be a nicer place to live. But come, my dear; I must show you all my Dorothys. Nine are living and have grown up to be very respectable hens; but one took cold at Ozma's birthday party and died of the pip, and the other two turned out to be horrid roosters, so I had to change their names from Dorothy to Daniel. They all had the letter 'D' engraved upon their gold lockets, you remember, with your picture inside, and 'D' stands for Daniel as well as for Dorothy." "Did you call both the roosters Daniel?" asked Uncle Henry. "Yes, indeed. I've nine Dorothys and two Daniels; and the nine Dorothys have eighty-six sons and daughters and over three hundred grandchildren," said Billina, proudly. "What names do you give 'em all, dear?" inquired the little girl. "Oh, they are all Dorothys and Daniels, some being Juniors and some Double-Juniors. Dorothy and Daniel are two good names, and I see no object in hunting for others," declared the Yellow Hen. "But just think, Dorothy, what a big chicken family we've grown to be, and our numbers increase nearly every day! Ozma doesn't know what to do with all the eggs we lay, and we are never eaten or harmed in any way, as chickens are in your country. They give us everything to make us contented and happy, and I, my dear, am the acknowledged Queen and Governor of every chicken in Oz, because I'm the eldest and started the whole colony." "You ought to be very proud, ma'am," said Uncle Henry, who was astonished to hear a hen talk so sensibly. "Oh, I am," she replied. "I've the loveliest pearl necklace you ever saw. Come in the house and I'll show it to you. And I've nine leg bracelets and a diamond pin for each wing. But I only wear them on state occasions." They followed the Yellow Hen into the house, which Aunt Em declared was neat as a pin. They could not sit down, because all Billina's chairs were roosting-poles made of silver; so they had to stand while the hen fussily showed them her treasures. Then they had to go into the back rooms occupied by Billina's nine Dorothys and two Daniels, who were all plump yellow chickens and greeted the visitors very politely. It was easy to see that they were well bred and that Billina had looked after their education. In the yards were all the children and grandchildren of these eleven elders and they were of all sizes, from well-grown hens to tiny chickens just out of the shell. About fifty fluffy yellow youngsters were at school, being taught good manners and good grammar by a young hen who wore spectacles. They sang in chorus a patriotic song of the Land of Oz, in honor of their visitors, and Aunt Em was much impressed by these talking chickens. Dorothy wanted to stay and play with the young chickens for awhile, but Uncle Henry and Aunt Em had not seen the palace grounds and gardens yet and were eager to get better acquainted with the marvelous and delightful land in which they were to live. "I'll stay here, and you can go for a walk," said Dorothy. "You'll be perfec'ly safe anywhere, and may do whatever you want to. When you get tired, go back to the palace and find your rooms, and I'll come to you before luncheon is ready." So Uncle Henry and Aunt Em started out alone to explore the grounds, and Dorothy knew that they couldn't get lost, because all the palace grounds were enclosed by a high wall of green marble set with emeralds. It was a rare treat to these simple folk, who had lived in the country all their lives and known little enjoyment of any sort, to wear beautiful clothes and live in a palace and be treated with respect and consideration by all around them. They were very happy indeed as they strolled up the shady walks and looked upon the gorgeous flowers and shrubs, feeling that their new home was more beautiful than any tongue could describe. Suddenly, as they turned a corner and walked through a gap in a high hedge, they came face to face with an enormous Lion, which crouched upon the green lawn and seemed surprised by their appearance. They stopped short, Uncle Henry trembling with horror and Aunt Em too terrified to scream. Next moment the poor woman clasped her husband around the neck and cried: "Save me, Henry, save me!" "Can't even save myself, Em," he returned, in a husky voice, "for the animile looks as if it could eat both of us, an' lick its chops for more! If I only had a gun--" "Haven't you, Henry? Haven't you?" she asked anxiously. "Nary gun, Em. So let's die as brave an' graceful as we can. I knew our luck couldn't last!" "I won't die. I won't be eaten by a lion!" wailed Aunt Em, glaring upon the huge beast. Then a thought struck her, and she whispered: "Henry, I've heard as savage beastses can be conquered by the human eye. I'll eye that lion out o' countenance an' save our lives." "Try it, Em," he returned, also in a whisper. "Look at him as you do at me when I'm late to dinner." Aunt Em turned upon the Lion a determined countenance and a wild dilated eye. She glared at the immense beast steadily, and the Lion, who had been quietly blinking at them, began to appear uneasy and disturbed. [Illustration] "Is anything the matter, ma'am?" he asked, in a mild voice. At this speech from the terrible beast Aunt Em and Uncle Henry both were startled, and then Uncle Henry remembered that this must be the Lion they had seen in Ozma's Throne Room. "Hold on, Em!" he exclaimed. "Quit the eagle eye conquest an' take courage. I guess this is the same Cowardly Lion Dorothy has told us about." "Oh, is it?" she asked, much relieved. "When he spoke, I got the idea; and when he looked so 'shamed like, I was sure of it," Uncle Henry continued. Aunt Em regarded the animal with new interest. "Are you the Cowardly Lion?" she inquired. "Are you Dorothy's friend?" "Yes'm," answered the Lion, meekly. "Dorothy and I are old chums and are very fond of each other. I'm the King of Beasts, you know, and the Hungry Tiger and I serve Princess Ozma as her body guards." "To be sure," said Aunt Em, nodding. "But the King of Beasts shouldn't be cowardly." "I've heard that said before," remarked the Lion, yawning till he showed his two great rows of sharp white teeth; "but that does not keep me from being frightened whenever I go into battle." "What do you do, run?" asked Uncle Henry. "No; that would be foolish, for the enemy would run after me," declared the Lion. "So I tremble with fear and pitch in as hard as I can; and so far I have always won my fight." "Ah, I begin to understand," said Uncle Henry. "Were you scared when I looked at you just now?" inquired Aunt Em. "Terribly scared, madam," answered the Lion, "for at first I thought you were going to have a fit. Then I noticed you were trying to overcome me by the power of your eye, and your glance was so fierce and penetrating that I shook with fear." This greatly pleased the lady, and she said quite cheerfully: "Well, I won't hurt you, so don't be scared any more. I just wanted to see what the human eye was good for." "The human eye is a fearful weapon," remarked the Lion, scratching his nose softly with his paw to hide a smile. "Had I not known you were Dorothy's friends I might have torn you both into shreds in order to escape your terrible gaze." Aunt Em shuddered at hearing this, and Uncle Henry said hastily: "I'm glad you knew us. Good morning, Mr. Lion; we'll hope to see you again--by and by--some time in the future." "Good morning," replied the Lion, squatting down upon the lawn again. "You are likely to see a good deal of me, if you live in the Land of Oz." [Illustration] _How_ THE GRAND GALLIPOOT JOINED THE NOMES CHAPTER EIGHT [Illustration] After leaving the Whimsies, Guph continued on his journey and penetrated far into the Northwest. He wanted to get to the Country of the Growleywogs, and in order to do that he must cross the Ripple Land, which was a hard thing to do. For the Ripple Land was a succession of hills and valleys, all very steep and rocky, and they changed places constantly by rippling. While Guph was climbing a hill it sank down under him and became a valley, and while he was descending into a valley it rose up and carried him to the top of a hill. This was very perplexing to the traveler, and a stranger might have thought he could never cross the Ripple Land at all. But Guph knew that if he kept steadily on he would get to the end at last; so he paid no attention to the changing hills and valleys and plodded along as calmly as if walking upon the level ground. The result of this wise persistence was that the General finally reached firmer soil and, after penetrating a dense forest, came to the Dominion of the Growleywogs. No sooner had he crossed the border of this domain when two guards seized him and carried him before the Grand Gallipoot of the Growleywogs, who scowled upon him ferociously and asked him why he dared intrude upon his territory. "I'm the Lord High General of the Invincible Army of the Nomes, and my name is Guph," was the reply. "All the world trembles when that name is mentioned." The Growleywogs gave a shout of jeering laughter at this, and one of them caught the Nome in his strong arms and tossed him high into the air. Guph was considerably shaken when he fell upon the hard ground, but he appeared to take no notice of the impertinence and composed himself to speak again to the Grand Gallipoot. "My master, King Roquat the Red, has sent me here to confer with you. He wishes your assistance to conquer the Land of Oz." Here the General paused, and the Grand Gallipoot scowled upon him more terribly than ever and said: "Go on!" The voice of the Grand Gallipoot was partly a roar and partly a growl. He mumbled his words badly and Guph had to listen carefully in order to understand him. These Growleywogs were certainly remarkable creatures. They were of gigantic size, yet were all bone and skin and muscle, there being no meat or fat upon their bodies at all. Their powerful muscles lay just underneath their skins, like bunches of tough rope, and the weakest Growleywog was so strong that he could pick up an elephant and toss it seven miles away. It seems unfortunate that strong people are usually so disagreeable and overbearing that no one cares for them. In fact, to be different from your fellow creatures is always a misfortune. The Growleywogs knew that they were disliked and avoided by every one, so they had become surly and unsociable even among themselves. Guph knew that they hated all people, including the Nomes; but he hoped to win them over, nevertheless, and knew that if he succeeded they would afford him very powerful assistance. "The Land of Oz is ruled by a namby-pamby girl who is disgustingly kind and good," he continued. "Her people are all happy and contented and have no care or worries whatever." "Go on!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. [Illustration] "Once the Nome King enslaved the Royal Family of Ev--another goody-goody lot that we detest," said the General. "But Ozma interfered, although it was none of her business, and marched her army against us. With her was a Kansas girl named Dorothy, and a Yellow Hen, and they marched directly into the Nome King's cavern. There they liberated our slaves from Ev and stole King Roquat's Magic Belt, which they carried away with them. So now our King is making a tunnel under the deadly desert, so we can march through it to the Emerald City. When we get there we mean to conquer and destroy all the land and recapture the Magic Belt." Again he paused, and again the Grand Gallipoot growled: "Go on!" Guph tried to think what to say next, and a happy thought soon occurred to him. "We want you to help us in this conquest," he announced, "for we need the mighty aid of the Growleywogs in order to make sure that we shall not be defeated. You are the strongest people in all the world, and you hate good and happy creatures as much as we Nomes do. I am sure it will be a real pleasure to you to tear down the beautiful Emerald City, and in return for your valuable assistance we will allow you to bring back to your country ten thousand people of Oz, to be your slaves." "Twenty thousand!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. "All right, we promise you twenty thousand," agreed the General. The Gallipoot made a signal and at once his attendants picked up General Guph and carried him away to a prison, where the jailor amused himself by sticking pins in the round fat body of the old Nome, to see him jump and hear him yell. But while this was going on the Grand Gallipoot was talking with his counselors, who were the most important officials of the Growleywogs. When he had stated to them the proposition of the Nome King he said: "My advice is to offer to help them. Then, when we have conquered the Land of Oz, we will take not only our twenty thousand prisoners but all the gold and jewels we want." "Let us take the Magic Belt, too," suggested one counselor. "And rob the Nome King and make him our slave," said another. "That is a good idea," declared the Grand Gallipoot. "I'd like King Roquat for my own slave. He could black my boots and bring me my porridge every morning while I am in bed." "There is a famous Scarecrow in Oz. I'll take him for my slave," said a counselor. "I'll take Tiktok, the machine man," said another. "Give me the Tin Woodman," said a third. They went on for some time, dividing up the people and the treasure of Oz in advance of the conquest. For they had no doubt at all that they would be able to destroy Ozma's domain. Were they not the strongest people in all the world? "The deadly desert has kept us out of Oz before," remarked the Grand Gallipoot, "but now that the Nome King is building a tunnel we shall get into the Emerald City very easily. So let us send the little fat General back to his King with our promise to assist him. We will not say that we intend to conquer the Nomes after we have conquered Oz, but we will do so, just the same." This plan being agreed upon, they all went home to dinner, leaving General Guph still in prison. The Nome had no idea that he had succeeded in his mission, for finding himself in prison he feared the Growleywogs intended to put him to death. By this time the jailor had tired of sticking pins in the General, and was amusing himself by carefully pulling the Nome's whiskers out by the roots, one at a time. This enjoyment was interrupted by the Grand Gallipoot sending for the prisoner. "Wait a few hours," begged the jailor. "I haven't pulled out a quarter of his whiskers yet." "If you keep the Grand Gallipoot waiting he'll break your back," declared the messenger. "Perhaps you're right," sighed the jailor. "Take the prisoner away, if you will, but I advise you to kick him at every step he takes. It will be good fun, for he is as soft as a ripe peach." [Illustration] So Guph was led away to the royal castle, where the Grand Gallipoot told him that the Growleywogs had decided to assist the Nomes in conquering the Land of Oz. "Whenever you are ready," he added, "send me word and I will march with eighteen thousand of my most powerful warriors to your aid." Guph was so delighted that he forgot all the smarting caused by the pins and the pulling of whiskers. He did not even complain of the treatment he had received, but thanked the Grand Gallipoot and hurried away upon his journey. He had now secured the assistance of the Whimsies and the Growleywogs; but his success made him long for still more allies. His own life depended upon his conquering Oz, and he said to himself: "I'll take no chances. I'll be certain of success.

every

How many times the word 'every' appears in the text?

CHAPTER SIX [Illustration] The new General of the Nome King's army knew perfectly well that to fail in his plans meant death for him. Yet he was not at all anxious or worried. He hated every one who was good and longed to make all who were happy unhappy. Therefore he had accepted this dangerous position as General quite willingly, feeling sure in his evil mind that he would be able to do a lot of mischief and finally conquer the Land of Oz. Yet Guph determined to be careful, and to lay his plans well, so as not to fail. He argued that only careless people fail in what they attempt to do. The mountains underneath which the Nome King's extensive caverns were located lay grouped just north of the Land of Ev, which lay directly across the deadly desert to the east of the Land of Oz. As the mountains were also on the edge of the desert the Nome King found that he had only to tunnel underneath the desert to reach Ozma's dominions. He did not wish his armies to appear above ground in the Country of the Winkies, which was the part of the Land of Oz nearest to King Roquat's own country, as then the people would give the alarm and enable Ozma to fortify the Emerald City and assemble an army. He wanted to take all the Oz people by surprise; so he decided to run the tunnel clear through to the Emerald City, where he and his hosts could break through the ground without warning and conquer the people before they had time to defend themselves. Roquat the Red began work at once upon his tunnel, setting a thousand miners at the task and building it high and broad enough for his armies to march through it with ease. The Nomes were used to making tunnels, as all the kingdom in which they lived was under ground; so they made rapid progress. While this work was going on General Guph started out alone to visit the Chief of the Whimsies. These Whimsies were curious people who lived in a retired country of their own. They had large, strong bodies, but heads so small that they were no bigger than door-knobs. Of course, such tiny heads could not contain any great amount of brains, and the Whimsies were so ashamed of their personal appearance and lack of commonsense that they wore big heads, made of pasteboard, which they fastened over their own little heads. On these pasteboard heads they sewed sheep's wool for hair, and the wool was colored many tints--pink, green and lavender being the favorite colors. The faces of these false heads were painted in many ridiculous ways, according to the whims of the owners, and these big, burly creatures looked so whimsical and absurd in their queer masks that they were called "Whimsies." They foolishly imagined that no one would suspect the little heads that were inside the imitation ones, not knowing that it is folly to try to appear otherwise than as nature has made us. The Chief of the Whimsies had as little wisdom as the others, and had been chosen chief merely because none among them was any wiser or more capable of ruling. The Whimsies were evil spirits and could not be killed. They were hated and feared by every one and were known as terrible fighters because they were so strong and muscular and had not sense enough to know when they were defeated. General Guph thought the Whimsies would be a great help to the Nomes in the conquest of Oz, for under his leadership they could be induced to fight as long so they could stand up. So he traveled to their country and asked to see the Chief, who lived in a house that had a picture of his grotesque false head painted over the doorway. The Chief's false head had blue hair, a turned-up nose, and a mouth that stretched half across the face. Big green eyes had been painted upon it, but in the center of the chin were two small holes made in the pasteboard, so that the Chief could see through them with his own tiny eyes; for when the big head was fastened upon his shoulders the eyes in his own natural head were on a level with the false chin. Said General Guph to the Chief of the Whimsies: "We Nomes are going to conquer the Land of Oz and capture our King's Magic Belt, which the Oz people stole from him. Then we are going to plunder and destroy the whole country. And we want the Whimsies to help us." "Will there be any fighting?" asked the Chief. "Plenty," replied Guph. That must have pleased the Chief, for he got up and danced around the room three times. Then he seated himself again, adjusted his false head, and said: "We have no quarrel with Ozma of Oz." "But you Whimsies love to fight, and here is a splendid chance to do so," urged Guph. "Wait till I sing a song," said the Chief. Then he lay back in his chair and sang a foolish song that did not seem to the General to mean anything, although he listened carefully. When he had finished, the Chief Whimsie looked at him through the holes in his chin and asked: "What reward will you give us if we help you?" The General was prepared for this question, for he had been thinking the matter over on his journey. People often do a good deed without hope of reward, but for an evil deed they always demand payment. [Illustration] "When we get our Magic Belt," he made reply, "our King, Roquat the Red, will use its power to give every Whimsie a natural head as big and fine as the false head he now wears. Then you will no longer be ashamed because your big strong bodies have such teenty-weenty heads." "Oh! Will you do that?" asked the Chief, eagerly. "We surely will," promised the General. "I'll talk to my people," said the Chief. So he called a meeting of all the Whimsies and told them of the offer made by the Nomes. The creatures were delighted with the bargain, and at once agreed to fight for the Nome King and help him to conquer Oz. [Illustration] One Whimsie alone seemed to have a glimmer of sense, for he asked: "Suppose we fail to capture the Magic Belt? What will happen then, and what good will all our fighting do?" But they threw him into the river for asking foolish questions, and laughed when the water ruined his pasteboard head before he could swim out again. So the compact was made and General Guph was delighted with his success in gaining such powerful allies. But there were other people, too, just as important as the Whimsies, whom the clever old Nome had determined to win to his side. [Illustration] _How_ AUNT EM CONQUERED THE LION CHAPTER SEVEN [Illustration] "These are your rooms," said Dorothy, opening a door. Aunt Em drew back at sight of the splendid furniture and draperies. "Ain't there any place to wipe my feet?" she asked. "You will soon change your slippers for new shoes," replied Dorothy. "Don't be afraid, Aunt Em. Here is where you are to live, so walk right in and make yourself at home." Aunt Em advanced hesitatingly. "It beats the Topeka Hotel!" she cried, admiringly. "But this place is too grand for us, child. Can't we have some back room in the attic, that's more in our class?" "No," said Dorothy. "You've got to live here, 'cause Ozma says so. And all the rooms in this palace are just as fine as these, and some are better. It won't do any good to fuss, Aunt Em. You've got to be swell and high-toned in the Land of Oz, whether you want to or not; so you may as well make up your mind to it." "It's hard luck," replied her aunt, looking around with an awed expression; "but folks can get used to anything, if they try. Eh, Henry?" "Why, as to that," said Uncle Henry, slowly, "I b'lieve in takin' what's pervided us, an' askin' no questions. I've traveled some, Em, in my time, and you hain't; an' that makes a difference atween us." Then Dorothy showed them through the rooms. The first was a handsome sitting-room, with windows opening upon the rose gardens. Then came separate bedrooms for Aunt Em and Uncle Henry, with a fine bathroom between them. Aunt Em had a pretty dressing room, besides, and Dorothy opened the closets and showed several exquisite costumes that had been provided for her aunt by the royal dressmakers, who had worked all night to get them ready. Everything that Aunt Em could possibly need was in the drawers and closets, and her dressing-table was covered with engraved gold toilet articles. Uncle Henry had nine suits of clothes, cut in the popular Munchkin fashion, with knee-breeches, silk stockings and low shoes with jeweled buckles. The hats to match these costumes had pointed tops and wide brims with small gold bells around the edges. His shirts were of fine linen with frilled bosoms, and his vests were richly embroidered with colored silks. Uncle Henry decided that he would first take a bath and then dress himself in a blue satin suit that had caught his fancy. He accepted his good fortune with calm composure and refused to have a servant to assist him. But Aunt Em was "all of a flutter," as she said, and it took Dorothy and Jellia Jamb, the housekeeper, and two maids a long time to dress her and do up her hair and get her "rigged like a popinjay," as she quaintly expressed it. She wanted to stop and admire everything that caught her eye, and she sighed continually and declared that such finery was too good for an old country woman, and that she never thought she would have to "put on airs" at her time of life. Finally she was dressed, and when they went into the sitting-room there was Uncle Henry in his blue satin, walking gravely up and down the room. He had trimmed his beard and mustache and looked very dignified and respectable. "Tell me, Dorothy," he said; "do all the men here wear duds like these?" "Yes," she replied; "all 'cept the Scarecrow and the Shaggy Man--and of course the Tin Woodman and Tiktok, who are made of metal. You'll find all the men at Ozma's court dressed just as you are--only perhaps a little finer." "Henry, you look like a play-actor," announced Aunt Em, looking at her husband critically. "An' you, Em, look more highfalutin' than a peacock," he replied. "I guess you're right," she said, regretfully; "but we're helpless victims of high-toned royalty." Dorothy was much amused. [Illustration] "Come with me," she said, "and I'll show you 'round the palace." She took them through the beautiful rooms and introduced them to all the people they chanced to meet. Also she showed them her own pretty rooms, which were not far from their own. "So it's all true," said Aunt Em, wide-eyed with amazement, "and what Dorothy told us of this fairy country was plain facts instead of dreams! But where are all the strange creatures you used to know here?" "Yes; where's the Scarecrow?" inquired Uncle Henry. "Why, he's just now away on a visit to the Tin Woodman, who is Emp'ror of the Winkie Country," answered the little girl. "You'll see him when he comes back, and you're sure to like him." "And where's the Wonderful Wizard?" asked Aunt Em. "You'll see him at Ozma's luncheon, for he lives in this palace," was the reply. "And Jack Pumpkinhead?" "Oh, he lives a little way out of town, in his own pumpkin field. We'll go there some time and see him, and we'll call on Professor Wogglebug, too. The Shaggy Man will be at the luncheon, I guess, and Tiktok. And now I'll take you out to see Billina, who has a house of her own." So they went into the back yard, and after walking along winding paths some distance through the beautiful gardens they came to an attractive little house where the Yellow Hen sat on the front porch sunning herself. "Good morning, my dear Mistress," called Billina, fluttering down to meet them. "I was expecting you to call, for I heard you had come back and brought your uncle and aunt with you." "We're here for good and all, this time, Billina," cried Dorothy, joyfully. "Uncle Henry and Aunt Em belong in Oz now as much as I do!" "Then they are very lucky people," declared Billina; "for there couldn't be a nicer place to live. But come, my dear; I must show you all my Dorothys. Nine are living and have grown up to be very respectable hens; but one took cold at Ozma's birthday party and died of the pip, and the other two turned out to be horrid roosters, so I had to change their names from Dorothy to Daniel. They all had the letter 'D' engraved upon their gold lockets, you remember, with your picture inside, and 'D' stands for Daniel as well as for Dorothy." "Did you call both the roosters Daniel?" asked Uncle Henry. "Yes, indeed. I've nine Dorothys and two Daniels; and the nine Dorothys have eighty-six sons and daughters and over three hundred grandchildren," said Billina, proudly. "What names do you give 'em all, dear?" inquired the little girl. "Oh, they are all Dorothys and Daniels, some being Juniors and some Double-Juniors. Dorothy and Daniel are two good names, and I see no object in hunting for others," declared the Yellow Hen. "But just think, Dorothy, what a big chicken family we've grown to be, and our numbers increase nearly every day! Ozma doesn't know what to do with all the eggs we lay, and we are never eaten or harmed in any way, as chickens are in your country. They give us everything to make us contented and happy, and I, my dear, am the acknowledged Queen and Governor of every chicken in Oz, because I'm the eldest and started the whole colony." "You ought to be very proud, ma'am," said Uncle Henry, who was astonished to hear a hen talk so sensibly. "Oh, I am," she replied. "I've the loveliest pearl necklace you ever saw. Come in the house and I'll show it to you. And I've nine leg bracelets and a diamond pin for each wing. But I only wear them on state occasions." They followed the Yellow Hen into the house, which Aunt Em declared was neat as a pin. They could not sit down, because all Billina's chairs were roosting-poles made of silver; so they had to stand while the hen fussily showed them her treasures. Then they had to go into the back rooms occupied by Billina's nine Dorothys and two Daniels, who were all plump yellow chickens and greeted the visitors very politely. It was easy to see that they were well bred and that Billina had looked after their education. In the yards were all the children and grandchildren of these eleven elders and they were of all sizes, from well-grown hens to tiny chickens just out of the shell. About fifty fluffy yellow youngsters were at school, being taught good manners and good grammar by a young hen who wore spectacles. They sang in chorus a patriotic song of the Land of Oz, in honor of their visitors, and Aunt Em was much impressed by these talking chickens. Dorothy wanted to stay and play with the young chickens for awhile, but Uncle Henry and Aunt Em had not seen the palace grounds and gardens yet and were eager to get better acquainted with the marvelous and delightful land in which they were to live. "I'll stay here, and you can go for a walk," said Dorothy. "You'll be perfec'ly safe anywhere, and may do whatever you want to. When you get tired, go back to the palace and find your rooms, and I'll come to you before luncheon is ready." So Uncle Henry and Aunt Em started out alone to explore the grounds, and Dorothy knew that they couldn't get lost, because all the palace grounds were enclosed by a high wall of green marble set with emeralds. It was a rare treat to these simple folk, who had lived in the country all their lives and known little enjoyment of any sort, to wear beautiful clothes and live in a palace and be treated with respect and consideration by all around them. They were very happy indeed as they strolled up the shady walks and looked upon the gorgeous flowers and shrubs, feeling that their new home was more beautiful than any tongue could describe. Suddenly, as they turned a corner and walked through a gap in a high hedge, they came face to face with an enormous Lion, which crouched upon the green lawn and seemed surprised by their appearance. They stopped short, Uncle Henry trembling with horror and Aunt Em too terrified to scream. Next moment the poor woman clasped her husband around the neck and cried: "Save me, Henry, save me!" "Can't even save myself, Em," he returned, in a husky voice, "for the animile looks as if it could eat both of us, an' lick its chops for more! If I only had a gun--" "Haven't you, Henry? Haven't you?" she asked anxiously. "Nary gun, Em. So let's die as brave an' graceful as we can. I knew our luck couldn't last!" "I won't die. I won't be eaten by a lion!" wailed Aunt Em, glaring upon the huge beast. Then a thought struck her, and she whispered: "Henry, I've heard as savage beastses can be conquered by the human eye. I'll eye that lion out o' countenance an' save our lives." "Try it, Em," he returned, also in a whisper. "Look at him as you do at me when I'm late to dinner." Aunt Em turned upon the Lion a determined countenance and a wild dilated eye. She glared at the immense beast steadily, and the Lion, who had been quietly blinking at them, began to appear uneasy and disturbed. [Illustration] "Is anything the matter, ma'am?" he asked, in a mild voice. At this speech from the terrible beast Aunt Em and Uncle Henry both were startled, and then Uncle Henry remembered that this must be the Lion they had seen in Ozma's Throne Room. "Hold on, Em!" he exclaimed. "Quit the eagle eye conquest an' take courage. I guess this is the same Cowardly Lion Dorothy has told us about." "Oh, is it?" she asked, much relieved. "When he spoke, I got the idea; and when he looked so 'shamed like, I was sure of it," Uncle Henry continued. Aunt Em regarded the animal with new interest. "Are you the Cowardly Lion?" she inquired. "Are you Dorothy's friend?" "Yes'm," answered the Lion, meekly. "Dorothy and I are old chums and are very fond of each other. I'm the King of Beasts, you know, and the Hungry Tiger and I serve Princess Ozma as her body guards." "To be sure," said Aunt Em, nodding. "But the King of Beasts shouldn't be cowardly." "I've heard that said before," remarked the Lion, yawning till he showed his two great rows of sharp white teeth; "but that does not keep me from being frightened whenever I go into battle." "What do you do, run?" asked Uncle Henry. "No; that would be foolish, for the enemy would run after me," declared the Lion. "So I tremble with fear and pitch in as hard as I can; and so far I have always won my fight." "Ah, I begin to understand," said Uncle Henry. "Were you scared when I looked at you just now?" inquired Aunt Em. "Terribly scared, madam," answered the Lion, "for at first I thought you were going to have a fit. Then I noticed you were trying to overcome me by the power of your eye, and your glance was so fierce and penetrating that I shook with fear." This greatly pleased the lady, and she said quite cheerfully: "Well, I won't hurt you, so don't be scared any more. I just wanted to see what the human eye was good for." "The human eye is a fearful weapon," remarked the Lion, scratching his nose softly with his paw to hide a smile. "Had I not known you were Dorothy's friends I might have torn you both into shreds in order to escape your terrible gaze." Aunt Em shuddered at hearing this, and Uncle Henry said hastily: "I'm glad you knew us. Good morning, Mr. Lion; we'll hope to see you again--by and by--some time in the future." "Good morning," replied the Lion, squatting down upon the lawn again. "You are likely to see a good deal of me, if you live in the Land of Oz." [Illustration] _How_ THE GRAND GALLIPOOT JOINED THE NOMES CHAPTER EIGHT [Illustration] After leaving the Whimsies, Guph continued on his journey and penetrated far into the Northwest. He wanted to get to the Country of the Growleywogs, and in order to do that he must cross the Ripple Land, which was a hard thing to do. For the Ripple Land was a succession of hills and valleys, all very steep and rocky, and they changed places constantly by rippling. While Guph was climbing a hill it sank down under him and became a valley, and while he was descending into a valley it rose up and carried him to the top of a hill. This was very perplexing to the traveler, and a stranger might have thought he could never cross the Ripple Land at all. But Guph knew that if he kept steadily on he would get to the end at last; so he paid no attention to the changing hills and valleys and plodded along as calmly as if walking upon the level ground. The result of this wise persistence was that the General finally reached firmer soil and, after penetrating a dense forest, came to the Dominion of the Growleywogs. No sooner had he crossed the border of this domain when two guards seized him and carried him before the Grand Gallipoot of the Growleywogs, who scowled upon him ferociously and asked him why he dared intrude upon his territory. "I'm the Lord High General of the Invincible Army of the Nomes, and my name is Guph," was the reply. "All the world trembles when that name is mentioned." The Growleywogs gave a shout of jeering laughter at this, and one of them caught the Nome in his strong arms and tossed him high into the air. Guph was considerably shaken when he fell upon the hard ground, but he appeared to take no notice of the impertinence and composed himself to speak again to the Grand Gallipoot. "My master, King Roquat the Red, has sent me here to confer with you. He wishes your assistance to conquer the Land of Oz." Here the General paused, and the Grand Gallipoot scowled upon him more terribly than ever and said: "Go on!" The voice of the Grand Gallipoot was partly a roar and partly a growl. He mumbled his words badly and Guph had to listen carefully in order to understand him. These Growleywogs were certainly remarkable creatures. They were of gigantic size, yet were all bone and skin and muscle, there being no meat or fat upon their bodies at all. Their powerful muscles lay just underneath their skins, like bunches of tough rope, and the weakest Growleywog was so strong that he could pick up an elephant and toss it seven miles away. It seems unfortunate that strong people are usually so disagreeable and overbearing that no one cares for them. In fact, to be different from your fellow creatures is always a misfortune. The Growleywogs knew that they were disliked and avoided by every one, so they had become surly and unsociable even among themselves. Guph knew that they hated all people, including the Nomes; but he hoped to win them over, nevertheless, and knew that if he succeeded they would afford him very powerful assistance. "The Land of Oz is ruled by a namby-pamby girl who is disgustingly kind and good," he continued. "Her people are all happy and contented and have no care or worries whatever." "Go on!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. [Illustration] "Once the Nome King enslaved the Royal Family of Ev--another goody-goody lot that we detest," said the General. "But Ozma interfered, although it was none of her business, and marched her army against us. With her was a Kansas girl named Dorothy, and a Yellow Hen, and they marched directly into the Nome King's cavern. There they liberated our slaves from Ev and stole King Roquat's Magic Belt, which they carried away with them. So now our King is making a tunnel under the deadly desert, so we can march through it to the Emerald City. When we get there we mean to conquer and destroy all the land and recapture the Magic Belt." Again he paused, and again the Grand Gallipoot growled: "Go on!" Guph tried to think what to say next, and a happy thought soon occurred to him. "We want you to help us in this conquest," he announced, "for we need the mighty aid of the Growleywogs in order to make sure that we shall not be defeated. You are the strongest people in all the world, and you hate good and happy creatures as much as we Nomes do. I am sure it will be a real pleasure to you to tear down the beautiful Emerald City, and in return for your valuable assistance we will allow you to bring back to your country ten thousand people of Oz, to be your slaves." "Twenty thousand!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. "All right, we promise you twenty thousand," agreed the General. The Gallipoot made a signal and at once his attendants picked up General Guph and carried him away to a prison, where the jailor amused himself by sticking pins in the round fat body of the old Nome, to see him jump and hear him yell. But while this was going on the Grand Gallipoot was talking with his counselors, who were the most important officials of the Growleywogs. When he had stated to them the proposition of the Nome King he said: "My advice is to offer to help them. Then, when we have conquered the Land of Oz, we will take not only our twenty thousand prisoners but all the gold and jewels we want." "Let us take the Magic Belt, too," suggested one counselor. "And rob the Nome King and make him our slave," said another. "That is a good idea," declared the Grand Gallipoot. "I'd like King Roquat for my own slave. He could black my boots and bring me my porridge every morning while I am in bed." "There is a famous Scarecrow in Oz. I'll take him for my slave," said a counselor. "I'll take Tiktok, the machine man," said another. "Give me the Tin Woodman," said a third. They went on for some time, dividing up the people and the treasure of Oz in advance of the conquest. For they had no doubt at all that they would be able to destroy Ozma's domain. Were they not the strongest people in all the world? "The deadly desert has kept us out of Oz before," remarked the Grand Gallipoot, "but now that the Nome King is building a tunnel we shall get into the Emerald City very easily. So let us send the little fat General back to his King with our promise to assist him. We will not say that we intend to conquer the Nomes after we have conquered Oz, but we will do so, just the same." This plan being agreed upon, they all went home to dinner, leaving General Guph still in prison. The Nome had no idea that he had succeeded in his mission, for finding himself in prison he feared the Growleywogs intended to put him to death. By this time the jailor had tired of sticking pins in the General, and was amusing himself by carefully pulling the Nome's whiskers out by the roots, one at a time. This enjoyment was interrupted by the Grand Gallipoot sending for the prisoner. "Wait a few hours," begged the jailor. "I haven't pulled out a quarter of his whiskers yet." "If you keep the Grand Gallipoot waiting he'll break your back," declared the messenger. "Perhaps you're right," sighed the jailor. "Take the prisoner away, if you will, but I advise you to kick him at every step he takes. It will be good fun, for he is as soft as a ripe peach." [Illustration] So Guph was led away to the royal castle, where the Grand Gallipoot told him that the Growleywogs had decided to assist the Nomes in conquering the Land of Oz. "Whenever you are ready," he added, "send me word and I will march with eighteen thousand of my most powerful warriors to your aid." Guph was so delighted that he forgot all the smarting caused by the pins and the pulling of whiskers. He did not even complain of the treatment he had received, but thanked the Grand Gallipoot and hurried away upon his journey. He had now secured the assistance of the Whimsies and the Growleywogs; but his success made him long for still more allies. His own life depended upon his conquering Oz, and he said to himself: "I'll take no chances. I'll be certain of success.

queen

How many times the word 'queen' appears in the text?

CHAPTER SIX [Illustration] The new General of the Nome King's army knew perfectly well that to fail in his plans meant death for him. Yet he was not at all anxious or worried. He hated every one who was good and longed to make all who were happy unhappy. Therefore he had accepted this dangerous position as General quite willingly, feeling sure in his evil mind that he would be able to do a lot of mischief and finally conquer the Land of Oz. Yet Guph determined to be careful, and to lay his plans well, so as not to fail. He argued that only careless people fail in what they attempt to do. The mountains underneath which the Nome King's extensive caverns were located lay grouped just north of the Land of Ev, which lay directly across the deadly desert to the east of the Land of Oz. As the mountains were also on the edge of the desert the Nome King found that he had only to tunnel underneath the desert to reach Ozma's dominions. He did not wish his armies to appear above ground in the Country of the Winkies, which was the part of the Land of Oz nearest to King Roquat's own country, as then the people would give the alarm and enable Ozma to fortify the Emerald City and assemble an army. He wanted to take all the Oz people by surprise; so he decided to run the tunnel clear through to the Emerald City, where he and his hosts could break through the ground without warning and conquer the people before they had time to defend themselves. Roquat the Red began work at once upon his tunnel, setting a thousand miners at the task and building it high and broad enough for his armies to march through it with ease. The Nomes were used to making tunnels, as all the kingdom in which they lived was under ground; so they made rapid progress. While this work was going on General Guph started out alone to visit the Chief of the Whimsies. These Whimsies were curious people who lived in a retired country of their own. They had large, strong bodies, but heads so small that they were no bigger than door-knobs. Of course, such tiny heads could not contain any great amount of brains, and the Whimsies were so ashamed of their personal appearance and lack of commonsense that they wore big heads, made of pasteboard, which they fastened over their own little heads. On these pasteboard heads they sewed sheep's wool for hair, and the wool was colored many tints--pink, green and lavender being the favorite colors. The faces of these false heads were painted in many ridiculous ways, according to the whims of the owners, and these big, burly creatures looked so whimsical and absurd in their queer masks that they were called "Whimsies." They foolishly imagined that no one would suspect the little heads that were inside the imitation ones, not knowing that it is folly to try to appear otherwise than as nature has made us. The Chief of the Whimsies had as little wisdom as the others, and had been chosen chief merely because none among them was any wiser or more capable of ruling. The Whimsies were evil spirits and could not be killed. They were hated and feared by every one and were known as terrible fighters because they were so strong and muscular and had not sense enough to know when they were defeated. General Guph thought the Whimsies would be a great help to the Nomes in the conquest of Oz, for under his leadership they could be induced to fight as long so they could stand up. So he traveled to their country and asked to see the Chief, who lived in a house that had a picture of his grotesque false head painted over the doorway. The Chief's false head had blue hair, a turned-up nose, and a mouth that stretched half across the face. Big green eyes had been painted upon it, but in the center of the chin were two small holes made in the pasteboard, so that the Chief could see through them with his own tiny eyes; for when the big head was fastened upon his shoulders the eyes in his own natural head were on a level with the false chin. Said General Guph to the Chief of the Whimsies: "We Nomes are going to conquer the Land of Oz and capture our King's Magic Belt, which the Oz people stole from him. Then we are going to plunder and destroy the whole country. And we want the Whimsies to help us." "Will there be any fighting?" asked the Chief. "Plenty," replied Guph. That must have pleased the Chief, for he got up and danced around the room three times. Then he seated himself again, adjusted his false head, and said: "We have no quarrel with Ozma of Oz." "But you Whimsies love to fight, and here is a splendid chance to do so," urged Guph. "Wait till I sing a song," said the Chief. Then he lay back in his chair and sang a foolish song that did not seem to the General to mean anything, although he listened carefully. When he had finished, the Chief Whimsie looked at him through the holes in his chin and asked: "What reward will you give us if we help you?" The General was prepared for this question, for he had been thinking the matter over on his journey. People often do a good deed without hope of reward, but for an evil deed they always demand payment. [Illustration] "When we get our Magic Belt," he made reply, "our King, Roquat the Red, will use its power to give every Whimsie a natural head as big and fine as the false head he now wears. Then you will no longer be ashamed because your big strong bodies have such teenty-weenty heads." "Oh! Will you do that?" asked the Chief, eagerly. "We surely will," promised the General. "I'll talk to my people," said the Chief. So he called a meeting of all the Whimsies and told them of the offer made by the Nomes. The creatures were delighted with the bargain, and at once agreed to fight for the Nome King and help him to conquer Oz. [Illustration] One Whimsie alone seemed to have a glimmer of sense, for he asked: "Suppose we fail to capture the Magic Belt? What will happen then, and what good will all our fighting do?" But they threw him into the river for asking foolish questions, and laughed when the water ruined his pasteboard head before he could swim out again. So the compact was made and General Guph was delighted with his success in gaining such powerful allies. But there were other people, too, just as important as the Whimsies, whom the clever old Nome had determined to win to his side. [Illustration] _How_ AUNT EM CONQUERED THE LION CHAPTER SEVEN [Illustration] "These are your rooms," said Dorothy, opening a door. Aunt Em drew back at sight of the splendid furniture and draperies. "Ain't there any place to wipe my feet?" she asked. "You will soon change your slippers for new shoes," replied Dorothy. "Don't be afraid, Aunt Em. Here is where you are to live, so walk right in and make yourself at home." Aunt Em advanced hesitatingly. "It beats the Topeka Hotel!" she cried, admiringly. "But this place is too grand for us, child. Can't we have some back room in the attic, that's more in our class?" "No," said Dorothy. "You've got to live here, 'cause Ozma says so. And all the rooms in this palace are just as fine as these, and some are better. It won't do any good to fuss, Aunt Em. You've got to be swell and high-toned in the Land of Oz, whether you want to or not; so you may as well make up your mind to it." "It's hard luck," replied her aunt, looking around with an awed expression; "but folks can get used to anything, if they try. Eh, Henry?" "Why, as to that," said Uncle Henry, slowly, "I b'lieve in takin' what's pervided us, an' askin' no questions. I've traveled some, Em, in my time, and you hain't; an' that makes a difference atween us." Then Dorothy showed them through the rooms. The first was a handsome sitting-room, with windows opening upon the rose gardens. Then came separate bedrooms for Aunt Em and Uncle Henry, with a fine bathroom between them. Aunt Em had a pretty dressing room, besides, and Dorothy opened the closets and showed several exquisite costumes that had been provided for her aunt by the royal dressmakers, who had worked all night to get them ready. Everything that Aunt Em could possibly need was in the drawers and closets, and her dressing-table was covered with engraved gold toilet articles. Uncle Henry had nine suits of clothes, cut in the popular Munchkin fashion, with knee-breeches, silk stockings and low shoes with jeweled buckles. The hats to match these costumes had pointed tops and wide brims with small gold bells around the edges. His shirts were of fine linen with frilled bosoms, and his vests were richly embroidered with colored silks. Uncle Henry decided that he would first take a bath and then dress himself in a blue satin suit that had caught his fancy. He accepted his good fortune with calm composure and refused to have a servant to assist him. But Aunt Em was "all of a flutter," as she said, and it took Dorothy and Jellia Jamb, the housekeeper, and two maids a long time to dress her and do up her hair and get her "rigged like a popinjay," as she quaintly expressed it. She wanted to stop and admire everything that caught her eye, and she sighed continually and declared that such finery was too good for an old country woman, and that she never thought she would have to "put on airs" at her time of life. Finally she was dressed, and when they went into the sitting-room there was Uncle Henry in his blue satin, walking gravely up and down the room. He had trimmed his beard and mustache and looked very dignified and respectable. "Tell me, Dorothy," he said; "do all the men here wear duds like these?" "Yes," she replied; "all 'cept the Scarecrow and the Shaggy Man--and of course the Tin Woodman and Tiktok, who are made of metal. You'll find all the men at Ozma's court dressed just as you are--only perhaps a little finer." "Henry, you look like a play-actor," announced Aunt Em, looking at her husband critically. "An' you, Em, look more highfalutin' than a peacock," he replied. "I guess you're right," she said, regretfully; "but we're helpless victims of high-toned royalty." Dorothy was much amused. [Illustration] "Come with me," she said, "and I'll show you 'round the palace." She took them through the beautiful rooms and introduced them to all the people they chanced to meet. Also she showed them her own pretty rooms, which were not far from their own. "So it's all true," said Aunt Em, wide-eyed with amazement, "and what Dorothy told us of this fairy country was plain facts instead of dreams! But where are all the strange creatures you used to know here?" "Yes; where's the Scarecrow?" inquired Uncle Henry. "Why, he's just now away on a visit to the Tin Woodman, who is Emp'ror of the Winkie Country," answered the little girl. "You'll see him when he comes back, and you're sure to like him." "And where's the Wonderful Wizard?" asked Aunt Em. "You'll see him at Ozma's luncheon, for he lives in this palace," was the reply. "And Jack Pumpkinhead?" "Oh, he lives a little way out of town, in his own pumpkin field. We'll go there some time and see him, and we'll call on Professor Wogglebug, too. The Shaggy Man will be at the luncheon, I guess, and Tiktok. And now I'll take you out to see Billina, who has a house of her own." So they went into the back yard, and after walking along winding paths some distance through the beautiful gardens they came to an attractive little house where the Yellow Hen sat on the front porch sunning herself. "Good morning, my dear Mistress," called Billina, fluttering down to meet them. "I was expecting you to call, for I heard you had come back and brought your uncle and aunt with you." "We're here for good and all, this time, Billina," cried Dorothy, joyfully. "Uncle Henry and Aunt Em belong in Oz now as much as I do!" "Then they are very lucky people," declared Billina; "for there couldn't be a nicer place to live. But come, my dear; I must show you all my Dorothys. Nine are living and have grown up to be very respectable hens; but one took cold at Ozma's birthday party and died of the pip, and the other two turned out to be horrid roosters, so I had to change their names from Dorothy to Daniel. They all had the letter 'D' engraved upon their gold lockets, you remember, with your picture inside, and 'D' stands for Daniel as well as for Dorothy." "Did you call both the roosters Daniel?" asked Uncle Henry. "Yes, indeed. I've nine Dorothys and two Daniels; and the nine Dorothys have eighty-six sons and daughters and over three hundred grandchildren," said Billina, proudly. "What names do you give 'em all, dear?" inquired the little girl. "Oh, they are all Dorothys and Daniels, some being Juniors and some Double-Juniors. Dorothy and Daniel are two good names, and I see no object in hunting for others," declared the Yellow Hen. "But just think, Dorothy, what a big chicken family we've grown to be, and our numbers increase nearly every day! Ozma doesn't know what to do with all the eggs we lay, and we are never eaten or harmed in any way, as chickens are in your country. They give us everything to make us contented and happy, and I, my dear, am the acknowledged Queen and Governor of every chicken in Oz, because I'm the eldest and started the whole colony." "You ought to be very proud, ma'am," said Uncle Henry, who was astonished to hear a hen talk so sensibly. "Oh, I am," she replied. "I've the loveliest pearl necklace you ever saw. Come in the house and I'll show it to you. And I've nine leg bracelets and a diamond pin for each wing. But I only wear them on state occasions." They followed the Yellow Hen into the house, which Aunt Em declared was neat as a pin. They could not sit down, because all Billina's chairs were roosting-poles made of silver; so they had to stand while the hen fussily showed them her treasures. Then they had to go into the back rooms occupied by Billina's nine Dorothys and two Daniels, who were all plump yellow chickens and greeted the visitors very politely. It was easy to see that they were well bred and that Billina had looked after their education. In the yards were all the children and grandchildren of these eleven elders and they were of all sizes, from well-grown hens to tiny chickens just out of the shell. About fifty fluffy yellow youngsters were at school, being taught good manners and good grammar by a young hen who wore spectacles. They sang in chorus a patriotic song of the Land of Oz, in honor of their visitors, and Aunt Em was much impressed by these talking chickens. Dorothy wanted to stay and play with the young chickens for awhile, but Uncle Henry and Aunt Em had not seen the palace grounds and gardens yet and were eager to get better acquainted with the marvelous and delightful land in which they were to live. "I'll stay here, and you can go for a walk," said Dorothy. "You'll be perfec'ly safe anywhere, and may do whatever you want to. When you get tired, go back to the palace and find your rooms, and I'll come to you before luncheon is ready." So Uncle Henry and Aunt Em started out alone to explore the grounds, and Dorothy knew that they couldn't get lost, because all the palace grounds were enclosed by a high wall of green marble set with emeralds. It was a rare treat to these simple folk, who had lived in the country all their lives and known little enjoyment of any sort, to wear beautiful clothes and live in a palace and be treated with respect and consideration by all around them. They were very happy indeed as they strolled up the shady walks and looked upon the gorgeous flowers and shrubs, feeling that their new home was more beautiful than any tongue could describe. Suddenly, as they turned a corner and walked through a gap in a high hedge, they came face to face with an enormous Lion, which crouched upon the green lawn and seemed surprised by their appearance. They stopped short, Uncle Henry trembling with horror and Aunt Em too terrified to scream. Next moment the poor woman clasped her husband around the neck and cried: "Save me, Henry, save me!" "Can't even save myself, Em," he returned, in a husky voice, "for the animile looks as if it could eat both of us, an' lick its chops for more! If I only had a gun--" "Haven't you, Henry? Haven't you?" she asked anxiously. "Nary gun, Em. So let's die as brave an' graceful as we can. I knew our luck couldn't last!" "I won't die. I won't be eaten by a lion!" wailed Aunt Em, glaring upon the huge beast. Then a thought struck her, and she whispered: "Henry, I've heard as savage beastses can be conquered by the human eye. I'll eye that lion out o' countenance an' save our lives." "Try it, Em," he returned, also in a whisper. "Look at him as you do at me when I'm late to dinner." Aunt Em turned upon the Lion a determined countenance and a wild dilated eye. She glared at the immense beast steadily, and the Lion, who had been quietly blinking at them, began to appear uneasy and disturbed. [Illustration] "Is anything the matter, ma'am?" he asked, in a mild voice. At this speech from the terrible beast Aunt Em and Uncle Henry both were startled, and then Uncle Henry remembered that this must be the Lion they had seen in Ozma's Throne Room. "Hold on, Em!" he exclaimed. "Quit the eagle eye conquest an' take courage. I guess this is the same Cowardly Lion Dorothy has told us about." "Oh, is it?" she asked, much relieved. "When he spoke, I got the idea; and when he looked so 'shamed like, I was sure of it," Uncle Henry continued. Aunt Em regarded the animal with new interest. "Are you the Cowardly Lion?" she inquired. "Are you Dorothy's friend?" "Yes'm," answered the Lion, meekly. "Dorothy and I are old chums and are very fond of each other. I'm the King of Beasts, you know, and the Hungry Tiger and I serve Princess Ozma as her body guards." "To be sure," said Aunt Em, nodding. "But the King of Beasts shouldn't be cowardly." "I've heard that said before," remarked the Lion, yawning till he showed his two great rows of sharp white teeth; "but that does not keep me from being frightened whenever I go into battle." "What do you do, run?" asked Uncle Henry. "No; that would be foolish, for the enemy would run after me," declared the Lion. "So I tremble with fear and pitch in as hard as I can; and so far I have always won my fight." "Ah, I begin to understand," said Uncle Henry. "Were you scared when I looked at you just now?" inquired Aunt Em. "Terribly scared, madam," answered the Lion, "for at first I thought you were going to have a fit. Then I noticed you were trying to overcome me by the power of your eye, and your glance was so fierce and penetrating that I shook with fear." This greatly pleased the lady, and she said quite cheerfully: "Well, I won't hurt you, so don't be scared any more. I just wanted to see what the human eye was good for." "The human eye is a fearful weapon," remarked the Lion, scratching his nose softly with his paw to hide a smile. "Had I not known you were Dorothy's friends I might have torn you both into shreds in order to escape your terrible gaze." Aunt Em shuddered at hearing this, and Uncle Henry said hastily: "I'm glad you knew us. Good morning, Mr. Lion; we'll hope to see you again--by and by--some time in the future." "Good morning," replied the Lion, squatting down upon the lawn again. "You are likely to see a good deal of me, if you live in the Land of Oz." [Illustration] _How_ THE GRAND GALLIPOOT JOINED THE NOMES CHAPTER EIGHT [Illustration] After leaving the Whimsies, Guph continued on his journey and penetrated far into the Northwest. He wanted to get to the Country of the Growleywogs, and in order to do that he must cross the Ripple Land, which was a hard thing to do. For the Ripple Land was a succession of hills and valleys, all very steep and rocky, and they changed places constantly by rippling. While Guph was climbing a hill it sank down under him and became a valley, and while he was descending into a valley it rose up and carried him to the top of a hill. This was very perplexing to the traveler, and a stranger might have thought he could never cross the Ripple Land at all. But Guph knew that if he kept steadily on he would get to the end at last; so he paid no attention to the changing hills and valleys and plodded along as calmly as if walking upon the level ground. The result of this wise persistence was that the General finally reached firmer soil and, after penetrating a dense forest, came to the Dominion of the Growleywogs. No sooner had he crossed the border of this domain when two guards seized him and carried him before the Grand Gallipoot of the Growleywogs, who scowled upon him ferociously and asked him why he dared intrude upon his territory. "I'm the Lord High General of the Invincible Army of the Nomes, and my name is Guph," was the reply. "All the world trembles when that name is mentioned." The Growleywogs gave a shout of jeering laughter at this, and one of them caught the Nome in his strong arms and tossed him high into the air. Guph was considerably shaken when he fell upon the hard ground, but he appeared to take no notice of the impertinence and composed himself to speak again to the Grand Gallipoot. "My master, King Roquat the Red, has sent me here to confer with you. He wishes your assistance to conquer the Land of Oz." Here the General paused, and the Grand Gallipoot scowled upon him more terribly than ever and said: "Go on!" The voice of the Grand Gallipoot was partly a roar and partly a growl. He mumbled his words badly and Guph had to listen carefully in order to understand him. These Growleywogs were certainly remarkable creatures. They were of gigantic size, yet were all bone and skin and muscle, there being no meat or fat upon their bodies at all. Their powerful muscles lay just underneath their skins, like bunches of tough rope, and the weakest Growleywog was so strong that he could pick up an elephant and toss it seven miles away. It seems unfortunate that strong people are usually so disagreeable and overbearing that no one cares for them. In fact, to be different from your fellow creatures is always a misfortune. The Growleywogs knew that they were disliked and avoided by every one, so they had become surly and unsociable even among themselves. Guph knew that they hated all people, including the Nomes; but he hoped to win them over, nevertheless, and knew that if he succeeded they would afford him very powerful assistance. "The Land of Oz is ruled by a namby-pamby girl who is disgustingly kind and good," he continued. "Her people are all happy and contented and have no care or worries whatever." "Go on!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. [Illustration] "Once the Nome King enslaved the Royal Family of Ev--another goody-goody lot that we detest," said the General. "But Ozma interfered, although it was none of her business, and marched her army against us. With her was a Kansas girl named Dorothy, and a Yellow Hen, and they marched directly into the Nome King's cavern. There they liberated our slaves from Ev and stole King Roquat's Magic Belt, which they carried away with them. So now our King is making a tunnel under the deadly desert, so we can march through it to the Emerald City. When we get there we mean to conquer and destroy all the land and recapture the Magic Belt." Again he paused, and again the Grand Gallipoot growled: "Go on!" Guph tried to think what to say next, and a happy thought soon occurred to him. "We want you to help us in this conquest," he announced, "for we need the mighty aid of the Growleywogs in order to make sure that we shall not be defeated. You are the strongest people in all the world, and you hate good and happy creatures as much as we Nomes do. I am sure it will be a real pleasure to you to tear down the beautiful Emerald City, and in return for your valuable assistance we will allow you to bring back to your country ten thousand people of Oz, to be your slaves." "Twenty thousand!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. "All right, we promise you twenty thousand," agreed the General. The Gallipoot made a signal and at once his attendants picked up General Guph and carried him away to a prison, where the jailor amused himself by sticking pins in the round fat body of the old Nome, to see him jump and hear him yell. But while this was going on the Grand Gallipoot was talking with his counselors, who were the most important officials of the Growleywogs. When he had stated to them the proposition of the Nome King he said: "My advice is to offer to help them. Then, when we have conquered the Land of Oz, we will take not only our twenty thousand prisoners but all the gold and jewels we want." "Let us take the Magic Belt, too," suggested one counselor. "And rob the Nome King and make him our slave," said another. "That is a good idea," declared the Grand Gallipoot. "I'd like King Roquat for my own slave. He could black my boots and bring me my porridge every morning while I am in bed." "There is a famous Scarecrow in Oz. I'll take him for my slave," said a counselor. "I'll take Tiktok, the machine man," said another. "Give me the Tin Woodman," said a third. They went on for some time, dividing up the people and the treasure of Oz in advance of the conquest. For they had no doubt at all that they would be able to destroy Ozma's domain. Were they not the strongest people in all the world? "The deadly desert has kept us out of Oz before," remarked the Grand Gallipoot, "but now that the Nome King is building a tunnel we shall get into the Emerald City very easily. So let us send the little fat General back to his King with our promise to assist him. We will not say that we intend to conquer the Nomes after we have conquered Oz, but we will do so, just the same." This plan being agreed upon, they all went home to dinner, leaving General Guph still in prison. The Nome had no idea that he had succeeded in his mission, for finding himself in prison he feared the Growleywogs intended to put him to death. By this time the jailor had tired of sticking pins in the General, and was amusing himself by carefully pulling the Nome's whiskers out by the roots, one at a time. This enjoyment was interrupted by the Grand Gallipoot sending for the prisoner. "Wait a few hours," begged the jailor. "I haven't pulled out a quarter of his whiskers yet." "If you keep the Grand Gallipoot waiting he'll break your back," declared the messenger. "Perhaps you're right," sighed the jailor. "Take the prisoner away, if you will, but I advise you to kick him at every step he takes. It will be good fun, for he is as soft as a ripe peach." [Illustration] So Guph was led away to the royal castle, where the Grand Gallipoot told him that the Growleywogs had decided to assist the Nomes in conquering the Land of Oz. "Whenever you are ready," he added, "send me word and I will march with eighteen thousand of my most powerful warriors to your aid." Guph was so delighted that he forgot all the smarting caused by the pins and the pulling of whiskers. He did not even complain of the treatment he had received, but thanked the Grand Gallipoot and hurried away upon his journey. He had now secured the assistance of the Whimsies and the Growleywogs; but his success made him long for still more allies. His own life depended upon his conquering Oz, and he said to himself: "I'll take no chances. I'll be certain of success.

evil

How many times the word 'evil' appears in the text?

CHAPTER SIX [Illustration] The new General of the Nome King's army knew perfectly well that to fail in his plans meant death for him. Yet he was not at all anxious or worried. He hated every one who was good and longed to make all who were happy unhappy. Therefore he had accepted this dangerous position as General quite willingly, feeling sure in his evil mind that he would be able to do a lot of mischief and finally conquer the Land of Oz. Yet Guph determined to be careful, and to lay his plans well, so as not to fail. He argued that only careless people fail in what they attempt to do. The mountains underneath which the Nome King's extensive caverns were located lay grouped just north of the Land of Ev, which lay directly across the deadly desert to the east of the Land of Oz. As the mountains were also on the edge of the desert the Nome King found that he had only to tunnel underneath the desert to reach Ozma's dominions. He did not wish his armies to appear above ground in the Country of the Winkies, which was the part of the Land of Oz nearest to King Roquat's own country, as then the people would give the alarm and enable Ozma to fortify the Emerald City and assemble an army. He wanted to take all the Oz people by surprise; so he decided to run the tunnel clear through to the Emerald City, where he and his hosts could break through the ground without warning and conquer the people before they had time to defend themselves. Roquat the Red began work at once upon his tunnel, setting a thousand miners at the task and building it high and broad enough for his armies to march through it with ease. The Nomes were used to making tunnels, as all the kingdom in which they lived was under ground; so they made rapid progress. While this work was going on General Guph started out alone to visit the Chief of the Whimsies. These Whimsies were curious people who lived in a retired country of their own. They had large, strong bodies, but heads so small that they were no bigger than door-knobs. Of course, such tiny heads could not contain any great amount of brains, and the Whimsies were so ashamed of their personal appearance and lack of commonsense that they wore big heads, made of pasteboard, which they fastened over their own little heads. On these pasteboard heads they sewed sheep's wool for hair, and the wool was colored many tints--pink, green and lavender being the favorite colors. The faces of these false heads were painted in many ridiculous ways, according to the whims of the owners, and these big, burly creatures looked so whimsical and absurd in their queer masks that they were called "Whimsies." They foolishly imagined that no one would suspect the little heads that were inside the imitation ones, not knowing that it is folly to try to appear otherwise than as nature has made us. The Chief of the Whimsies had as little wisdom as the others, and had been chosen chief merely because none among them was any wiser or more capable of ruling. The Whimsies were evil spirits and could not be killed. They were hated and feared by every one and were known as terrible fighters because they were so strong and muscular and had not sense enough to know when they were defeated. General Guph thought the Whimsies would be a great help to the Nomes in the conquest of Oz, for under his leadership they could be induced to fight as long so they could stand up. So he traveled to their country and asked to see the Chief, who lived in a house that had a picture of his grotesque false head painted over the doorway. The Chief's false head had blue hair, a turned-up nose, and a mouth that stretched half across the face. Big green eyes had been painted upon it, but in the center of the chin were two small holes made in the pasteboard, so that the Chief could see through them with his own tiny eyes; for when the big head was fastened upon his shoulders the eyes in his own natural head were on a level with the false chin. Said General Guph to the Chief of the Whimsies: "We Nomes are going to conquer the Land of Oz and capture our King's Magic Belt, which the Oz people stole from him. Then we are going to plunder and destroy the whole country. And we want the Whimsies to help us." "Will there be any fighting?" asked the Chief. "Plenty," replied Guph. That must have pleased the Chief, for he got up and danced around the room three times. Then he seated himself again, adjusted his false head, and said: "We have no quarrel with Ozma of Oz." "But you Whimsies love to fight, and here is a splendid chance to do so," urged Guph. "Wait till I sing a song," said the Chief. Then he lay back in his chair and sang a foolish song that did not seem to the General to mean anything, although he listened carefully. When he had finished, the Chief Whimsie looked at him through the holes in his chin and asked: "What reward will you give us if we help you?" The General was prepared for this question, for he had been thinking the matter over on his journey. People often do a good deed without hope of reward, but for an evil deed they always demand payment. [Illustration] "When we get our Magic Belt," he made reply, "our King, Roquat the Red, will use its power to give every Whimsie a natural head as big and fine as the false head he now wears. Then you will no longer be ashamed because your big strong bodies have such teenty-weenty heads." "Oh! Will you do that?" asked the Chief, eagerly. "We surely will," promised the General. "I'll talk to my people," said the Chief. So he called a meeting of all the Whimsies and told them of the offer made by the Nomes. The creatures were delighted with the bargain, and at once agreed to fight for the Nome King and help him to conquer Oz. [Illustration] One Whimsie alone seemed to have a glimmer of sense, for he asked: "Suppose we fail to capture the Magic Belt? What will happen then, and what good will all our fighting do?" But they threw him into the river for asking foolish questions, and laughed when the water ruined his pasteboard head before he could swim out again. So the compact was made and General Guph was delighted with his success in gaining such powerful allies. But there were other people, too, just as important as the Whimsies, whom the clever old Nome had determined to win to his side. [Illustration] _How_ AUNT EM CONQUERED THE LION CHAPTER SEVEN [Illustration] "These are your rooms," said Dorothy, opening a door. Aunt Em drew back at sight of the splendid furniture and draperies. "Ain't there any place to wipe my feet?" she asked. "You will soon change your slippers for new shoes," replied Dorothy. "Don't be afraid, Aunt Em. Here is where you are to live, so walk right in and make yourself at home." Aunt Em advanced hesitatingly. "It beats the Topeka Hotel!" she cried, admiringly. "But this place is too grand for us, child. Can't we have some back room in the attic, that's more in our class?" "No," said Dorothy. "You've got to live here, 'cause Ozma says so. And all the rooms in this palace are just as fine as these, and some are better. It won't do any good to fuss, Aunt Em. You've got to be swell and high-toned in the Land of Oz, whether you want to or not; so you may as well make up your mind to it." "It's hard luck," replied her aunt, looking around with an awed expression; "but folks can get used to anything, if they try. Eh, Henry?" "Why, as to that," said Uncle Henry, slowly, "I b'lieve in takin' what's pervided us, an' askin' no questions. I've traveled some, Em, in my time, and you hain't; an' that makes a difference atween us." Then Dorothy showed them through the rooms. The first was a handsome sitting-room, with windows opening upon the rose gardens. Then came separate bedrooms for Aunt Em and Uncle Henry, with a fine bathroom between them. Aunt Em had a pretty dressing room, besides, and Dorothy opened the closets and showed several exquisite costumes that had been provided for her aunt by the royal dressmakers, who had worked all night to get them ready. Everything that Aunt Em could possibly need was in the drawers and closets, and her dressing-table was covered with engraved gold toilet articles. Uncle Henry had nine suits of clothes, cut in the popular Munchkin fashion, with knee-breeches, silk stockings and low shoes with jeweled buckles. The hats to match these costumes had pointed tops and wide brims with small gold bells around the edges. His shirts were of fine linen with frilled bosoms, and his vests were richly embroidered with colored silks. Uncle Henry decided that he would first take a bath and then dress himself in a blue satin suit that had caught his fancy. He accepted his good fortune with calm composure and refused to have a servant to assist him. But Aunt Em was "all of a flutter," as she said, and it took Dorothy and Jellia Jamb, the housekeeper, and two maids a long time to dress her and do up her hair and get her "rigged like a popinjay," as she quaintly expressed it. She wanted to stop and admire everything that caught her eye, and she sighed continually and declared that such finery was too good for an old country woman, and that she never thought she would have to "put on airs" at her time of life. Finally she was dressed, and when they went into the sitting-room there was Uncle Henry in his blue satin, walking gravely up and down the room. He had trimmed his beard and mustache and looked very dignified and respectable. "Tell me, Dorothy," he said; "do all the men here wear duds like these?" "Yes," she replied; "all 'cept the Scarecrow and the Shaggy Man--and of course the Tin Woodman and Tiktok, who are made of metal. You'll find all the men at Ozma's court dressed just as you are--only perhaps a little finer." "Henry, you look like a play-actor," announced Aunt Em, looking at her husband critically. "An' you, Em, look more highfalutin' than a peacock," he replied. "I guess you're right," she said, regretfully; "but we're helpless victims of high-toned royalty." Dorothy was much amused. [Illustration] "Come with me," she said, "and I'll show you 'round the palace." She took them through the beautiful rooms and introduced them to all the people they chanced to meet. Also she showed them her own pretty rooms, which were not far from their own. "So it's all true," said Aunt Em, wide-eyed with amazement, "and what Dorothy told us of this fairy country was plain facts instead of dreams! But where are all the strange creatures you used to know here?" "Yes; where's the Scarecrow?" inquired Uncle Henry. "Why, he's just now away on a visit to the Tin Woodman, who is Emp'ror of the Winkie Country," answered the little girl. "You'll see him when he comes back, and you're sure to like him." "And where's the Wonderful Wizard?" asked Aunt Em. "You'll see him at Ozma's luncheon, for he lives in this palace," was the reply. "And Jack Pumpkinhead?" "Oh, he lives a little way out of town, in his own pumpkin field. We'll go there some time and see him, and we'll call on Professor Wogglebug, too. The Shaggy Man will be at the luncheon, I guess, and Tiktok. And now I'll take you out to see Billina, who has a house of her own." So they went into the back yard, and after walking along winding paths some distance through the beautiful gardens they came to an attractive little house where the Yellow Hen sat on the front porch sunning herself. "Good morning, my dear Mistress," called Billina, fluttering down to meet them. "I was expecting you to call, for I heard you had come back and brought your uncle and aunt with you." "We're here for good and all, this time, Billina," cried Dorothy, joyfully. "Uncle Henry and Aunt Em belong in Oz now as much as I do!" "Then they are very lucky people," declared Billina; "for there couldn't be a nicer place to live. But come, my dear; I must show you all my Dorothys. Nine are living and have grown up to be very respectable hens; but one took cold at Ozma's birthday party and died of the pip, and the other two turned out to be horrid roosters, so I had to change their names from Dorothy to Daniel. They all had the letter 'D' engraved upon their gold lockets, you remember, with your picture inside, and 'D' stands for Daniel as well as for Dorothy." "Did you call both the roosters Daniel?" asked Uncle Henry. "Yes, indeed. I've nine Dorothys and two Daniels; and the nine Dorothys have eighty-six sons and daughters and over three hundred grandchildren," said Billina, proudly. "What names do you give 'em all, dear?" inquired the little girl. "Oh, they are all Dorothys and Daniels, some being Juniors and some Double-Juniors. Dorothy and Daniel are two good names, and I see no object in hunting for others," declared the Yellow Hen. "But just think, Dorothy, what a big chicken family we've grown to be, and our numbers increase nearly every day! Ozma doesn't know what to do with all the eggs we lay, and we are never eaten or harmed in any way, as chickens are in your country. They give us everything to make us contented and happy, and I, my dear, am the acknowledged Queen and Governor of every chicken in Oz, because I'm the eldest and started the whole colony." "You ought to be very proud, ma'am," said Uncle Henry, who was astonished to hear a hen talk so sensibly. "Oh, I am," she replied. "I've the loveliest pearl necklace you ever saw. Come in the house and I'll show it to you. And I've nine leg bracelets and a diamond pin for each wing. But I only wear them on state occasions." They followed the Yellow Hen into the house, which Aunt Em declared was neat as a pin. They could not sit down, because all Billina's chairs were roosting-poles made of silver; so they had to stand while the hen fussily showed them her treasures. Then they had to go into the back rooms occupied by Billina's nine Dorothys and two Daniels, who were all plump yellow chickens and greeted the visitors very politely. It was easy to see that they were well bred and that Billina had looked after their education. In the yards were all the children and grandchildren of these eleven elders and they were of all sizes, from well-grown hens to tiny chickens just out of the shell. About fifty fluffy yellow youngsters were at school, being taught good manners and good grammar by a young hen who wore spectacles. They sang in chorus a patriotic song of the Land of Oz, in honor of their visitors, and Aunt Em was much impressed by these talking chickens. Dorothy wanted to stay and play with the young chickens for awhile, but Uncle Henry and Aunt Em had not seen the palace grounds and gardens yet and were eager to get better acquainted with the marvelous and delightful land in which they were to live. "I'll stay here, and you can go for a walk," said Dorothy. "You'll be perfec'ly safe anywhere, and may do whatever you want to. When you get tired, go back to the palace and find your rooms, and I'll come to you before luncheon is ready." So Uncle Henry and Aunt Em started out alone to explore the grounds, and Dorothy knew that they couldn't get lost, because all the palace grounds were enclosed by a high wall of green marble set with emeralds. It was a rare treat to these simple folk, who had lived in the country all their lives and known little enjoyment of any sort, to wear beautiful clothes and live in a palace and be treated with respect and consideration by all around them. They were very happy indeed as they strolled up the shady walks and looked upon the gorgeous flowers and shrubs, feeling that their new home was more beautiful than any tongue could describe. Suddenly, as they turned a corner and walked through a gap in a high hedge, they came face to face with an enormous Lion, which crouched upon the green lawn and seemed surprised by their appearance. They stopped short, Uncle Henry trembling with horror and Aunt Em too terrified to scream. Next moment the poor woman clasped her husband around the neck and cried: "Save me, Henry, save me!" "Can't even save myself, Em," he returned, in a husky voice, "for the animile looks as if it could eat both of us, an' lick its chops for more! If I only had a gun--" "Haven't you, Henry? Haven't you?" she asked anxiously. "Nary gun, Em. So let's die as brave an' graceful as we can. I knew our luck couldn't last!" "I won't die. I won't be eaten by a lion!" wailed Aunt Em, glaring upon the huge beast. Then a thought struck her, and she whispered: "Henry, I've heard as savage beastses can be conquered by the human eye. I'll eye that lion out o' countenance an' save our lives." "Try it, Em," he returned, also in a whisper. "Look at him as you do at me when I'm late to dinner." Aunt Em turned upon the Lion a determined countenance and a wild dilated eye. She glared at the immense beast steadily, and the Lion, who had been quietly blinking at them, began to appear uneasy and disturbed. [Illustration] "Is anything the matter, ma'am?" he asked, in a mild voice. At this speech from the terrible beast Aunt Em and Uncle Henry both were startled, and then Uncle Henry remembered that this must be the Lion they had seen in Ozma's Throne Room. "Hold on, Em!" he exclaimed. "Quit the eagle eye conquest an' take courage. I guess this is the same Cowardly Lion Dorothy has told us about." "Oh, is it?" she asked, much relieved. "When he spoke, I got the idea; and when he looked so 'shamed like, I was sure of it," Uncle Henry continued. Aunt Em regarded the animal with new interest. "Are you the Cowardly Lion?" she inquired. "Are you Dorothy's friend?" "Yes'm," answered the Lion, meekly. "Dorothy and I are old chums and are very fond of each other. I'm the King of Beasts, you know, and the Hungry Tiger and I serve Princess Ozma as her body guards." "To be sure," said Aunt Em, nodding. "But the King of Beasts shouldn't be cowardly." "I've heard that said before," remarked the Lion, yawning till he showed his two great rows of sharp white teeth; "but that does not keep me from being frightened whenever I go into battle." "What do you do, run?" asked Uncle Henry. "No; that would be foolish, for the enemy would run after me," declared the Lion. "So I tremble with fear and pitch in as hard as I can; and so far I have always won my fight." "Ah, I begin to understand," said Uncle Henry. "Were you scared when I looked at you just now?" inquired Aunt Em. "Terribly scared, madam," answered the Lion, "for at first I thought you were going to have a fit. Then I noticed you were trying to overcome me by the power of your eye, and your glance was so fierce and penetrating that I shook with fear." This greatly pleased the lady, and she said quite cheerfully: "Well, I won't hurt you, so don't be scared any more. I just wanted to see what the human eye was good for." "The human eye is a fearful weapon," remarked the Lion, scratching his nose softly with his paw to hide a smile. "Had I not known you were Dorothy's friends I might have torn you both into shreds in order to escape your terrible gaze." Aunt Em shuddered at hearing this, and Uncle Henry said hastily: "I'm glad you knew us. Good morning, Mr. Lion; we'll hope to see you again--by and by--some time in the future." "Good morning," replied the Lion, squatting down upon the lawn again. "You are likely to see a good deal of me, if you live in the Land of Oz." [Illustration] _How_ THE GRAND GALLIPOOT JOINED THE NOMES CHAPTER EIGHT [Illustration] After leaving the Whimsies, Guph continued on his journey and penetrated far into the Northwest. He wanted to get to the Country of the Growleywogs, and in order to do that he must cross the Ripple Land, which was a hard thing to do. For the Ripple Land was a succession of hills and valleys, all very steep and rocky, and they changed places constantly by rippling. While Guph was climbing a hill it sank down under him and became a valley, and while he was descending into a valley it rose up and carried him to the top of a hill. This was very perplexing to the traveler, and a stranger might have thought he could never cross the Ripple Land at all. But Guph knew that if he kept steadily on he would get to the end at last; so he paid no attention to the changing hills and valleys and plodded along as calmly as if walking upon the level ground. The result of this wise persistence was that the General finally reached firmer soil and, after penetrating a dense forest, came to the Dominion of the Growleywogs. No sooner had he crossed the border of this domain when two guards seized him and carried him before the Grand Gallipoot of the Growleywogs, who scowled upon him ferociously and asked him why he dared intrude upon his territory. "I'm the Lord High General of the Invincible Army of the Nomes, and my name is Guph," was the reply. "All the world trembles when that name is mentioned." The Growleywogs gave a shout of jeering laughter at this, and one of them caught the Nome in his strong arms and tossed him high into the air. Guph was considerably shaken when he fell upon the hard ground, but he appeared to take no notice of the impertinence and composed himself to speak again to the Grand Gallipoot. "My master, King Roquat the Red, has sent me here to confer with you. He wishes your assistance to conquer the Land of Oz." Here the General paused, and the Grand Gallipoot scowled upon him more terribly than ever and said: "Go on!" The voice of the Grand Gallipoot was partly a roar and partly a growl. He mumbled his words badly and Guph had to listen carefully in order to understand him. These Growleywogs were certainly remarkable creatures. They were of gigantic size, yet were all bone and skin and muscle, there being no meat or fat upon their bodies at all. Their powerful muscles lay just underneath their skins, like bunches of tough rope, and the weakest Growleywog was so strong that he could pick up an elephant and toss it seven miles away. It seems unfortunate that strong people are usually so disagreeable and overbearing that no one cares for them. In fact, to be different from your fellow creatures is always a misfortune. The Growleywogs knew that they were disliked and avoided by every one, so they had become surly and unsociable even among themselves. Guph knew that they hated all people, including the Nomes; but he hoped to win them over, nevertheless, and knew that if he succeeded they would afford him very powerful assistance. "The Land of Oz is ruled by a namby-pamby girl who is disgustingly kind and good," he continued. "Her people are all happy and contented and have no care or worries whatever." "Go on!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. [Illustration] "Once the Nome King enslaved the Royal Family of Ev--another goody-goody lot that we detest," said the General. "But Ozma interfered, although it was none of her business, and marched her army against us. With her was a Kansas girl named Dorothy, and a Yellow Hen, and they marched directly into the Nome King's cavern. There they liberated our slaves from Ev and stole King Roquat's Magic Belt, which they carried away with them. So now our King is making a tunnel under the deadly desert, so we can march through it to the Emerald City. When we get there we mean to conquer and destroy all the land and recapture the Magic Belt." Again he paused, and again the Grand Gallipoot growled: "Go on!" Guph tried to think what to say next, and a happy thought soon occurred to him. "We want you to help us in this conquest," he announced, "for we need the mighty aid of the Growleywogs in order to make sure that we shall not be defeated. You are the strongest people in all the world, and you hate good and happy creatures as much as we Nomes do. I am sure it will be a real pleasure to you to tear down the beautiful Emerald City, and in return for your valuable assistance we will allow you to bring back to your country ten thousand people of Oz, to be your slaves." "Twenty thousand!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. "All right, we promise you twenty thousand," agreed the General. The Gallipoot made a signal and at once his attendants picked up General Guph and carried him away to a prison, where the jailor amused himself by sticking pins in the round fat body of the old Nome, to see him jump and hear him yell. But while this was going on the Grand Gallipoot was talking with his counselors, who were the most important officials of the Growleywogs. When he had stated to them the proposition of the Nome King he said: "My advice is to offer to help them. Then, when we have conquered the Land of Oz, we will take not only our twenty thousand prisoners but all the gold and jewels we want." "Let us take the Magic Belt, too," suggested one counselor. "And rob the Nome King and make him our slave," said another. "That is a good idea," declared the Grand Gallipoot. "I'd like King Roquat for my own slave. He could black my boots and bring me my porridge every morning while I am in bed." "There is a famous Scarecrow in Oz. I'll take him for my slave," said a counselor. "I'll take Tiktok, the machine man," said another. "Give me the Tin Woodman," said a third. They went on for some time, dividing up the people and the treasure of Oz in advance of the conquest. For they had no doubt at all that they would be able to destroy Ozma's domain. Were they not the strongest people in all the world? "The deadly desert has kept us out of Oz before," remarked the Grand Gallipoot, "but now that the Nome King is building a tunnel we shall get into the Emerald City very easily. So let us send the little fat General back to his King with our promise to assist him. We will not say that we intend to conquer the Nomes after we have conquered Oz, but we will do so, just the same." This plan being agreed upon, they all went home to dinner, leaving General Guph still in prison. The Nome had no idea that he had succeeded in his mission, for finding himself in prison he feared the Growleywogs intended to put him to death. By this time the jailor had tired of sticking pins in the General, and was amusing himself by carefully pulling the Nome's whiskers out by the roots, one at a time. This enjoyment was interrupted by the Grand Gallipoot sending for the prisoner. "Wait a few hours," begged the jailor. "I haven't pulled out a quarter of his whiskers yet." "If you keep the Grand Gallipoot waiting he'll break your back," declared the messenger. "Perhaps you're right," sighed the jailor. "Take the prisoner away, if you will, but I advise you to kick him at every step he takes. It will be good fun, for he is as soft as a ripe peach." [Illustration] So Guph was led away to the royal castle, where the Grand Gallipoot told him that the Growleywogs had decided to assist the Nomes in conquering the Land of Oz. "Whenever you are ready," he added, "send me word and I will march with eighteen thousand of my most powerful warriors to your aid." Guph was so delighted that he forgot all the smarting caused by the pins and the pulling of whiskers. He did not even complain of the treatment he had received, but thanked the Grand Gallipoot and hurried away upon his journey. He had now secured the assistance of the Whimsies and the Growleywogs; but his success made him long for still more allies. His own life depended upon his conquering Oz, and he said to himself: "I'll take no chances. I'll be certain of success.

whole

How many times the word 'whole' appears in the text?

CHAPTER SIX [Illustration] The new General of the Nome King's army knew perfectly well that to fail in his plans meant death for him. Yet he was not at all anxious or worried. He hated every one who was good and longed to make all who were happy unhappy. Therefore he had accepted this dangerous position as General quite willingly, feeling sure in his evil mind that he would be able to do a lot of mischief and finally conquer the Land of Oz. Yet Guph determined to be careful, and to lay his plans well, so as not to fail. He argued that only careless people fail in what they attempt to do. The mountains underneath which the Nome King's extensive caverns were located lay grouped just north of the Land of Ev, which lay directly across the deadly desert to the east of the Land of Oz. As the mountains were also on the edge of the desert the Nome King found that he had only to tunnel underneath the desert to reach Ozma's dominions. He did not wish his armies to appear above ground in the Country of the Winkies, which was the part of the Land of Oz nearest to King Roquat's own country, as then the people would give the alarm and enable Ozma to fortify the Emerald City and assemble an army. He wanted to take all the Oz people by surprise; so he decided to run the tunnel clear through to the Emerald City, where he and his hosts could break through the ground without warning and conquer the people before they had time to defend themselves. Roquat the Red began work at once upon his tunnel, setting a thousand miners at the task and building it high and broad enough for his armies to march through it with ease. The Nomes were used to making tunnels, as all the kingdom in which they lived was under ground; so they made rapid progress. While this work was going on General Guph started out alone to visit the Chief of the Whimsies. These Whimsies were curious people who lived in a retired country of their own. They had large, strong bodies, but heads so small that they were no bigger than door-knobs. Of course, such tiny heads could not contain any great amount of brains, and the Whimsies were so ashamed of their personal appearance and lack of commonsense that they wore big heads, made of pasteboard, which they fastened over their own little heads. On these pasteboard heads they sewed sheep's wool for hair, and the wool was colored many tints--pink, green and lavender being the favorite colors. The faces of these false heads were painted in many ridiculous ways, according to the whims of the owners, and these big, burly creatures looked so whimsical and absurd in their queer masks that they were called "Whimsies." They foolishly imagined that no one would suspect the little heads that were inside the imitation ones, not knowing that it is folly to try to appear otherwise than as nature has made us. The Chief of the Whimsies had as little wisdom as the others, and had been chosen chief merely because none among them was any wiser or more capable of ruling. The Whimsies were evil spirits and could not be killed. They were hated and feared by every one and were known as terrible fighters because they were so strong and muscular and had not sense enough to know when they were defeated. General Guph thought the Whimsies would be a great help to the Nomes in the conquest of Oz, for under his leadership they could be induced to fight as long so they could stand up. So he traveled to their country and asked to see the Chief, who lived in a house that had a picture of his grotesque false head painted over the doorway. The Chief's false head had blue hair, a turned-up nose, and a mouth that stretched half across the face. Big green eyes had been painted upon it, but in the center of the chin were two small holes made in the pasteboard, so that the Chief could see through them with his own tiny eyes; for when the big head was fastened upon his shoulders the eyes in his own natural head were on a level with the false chin. Said General Guph to the Chief of the Whimsies: "We Nomes are going to conquer the Land of Oz and capture our King's Magic Belt, which the Oz people stole from him. Then we are going to plunder and destroy the whole country. And we want the Whimsies to help us." "Will there be any fighting?" asked the Chief. "Plenty," replied Guph. That must have pleased the Chief, for he got up and danced around the room three times. Then he seated himself again, adjusted his false head, and said: "We have no quarrel with Ozma of Oz." "But you Whimsies love to fight, and here is a splendid chance to do so," urged Guph. "Wait till I sing a song," said the Chief. Then he lay back in his chair and sang a foolish song that did not seem to the General to mean anything, although he listened carefully. When he had finished, the Chief Whimsie looked at him through the holes in his chin and asked: "What reward will you give us if we help you?" The General was prepared for this question, for he had been thinking the matter over on his journey. People often do a good deed without hope of reward, but for an evil deed they always demand payment. [Illustration] "When we get our Magic Belt," he made reply, "our King, Roquat the Red, will use its power to give every Whimsie a natural head as big and fine as the false head he now wears. Then you will no longer be ashamed because your big strong bodies have such teenty-weenty heads." "Oh! Will you do that?" asked the Chief, eagerly. "We surely will," promised the General. "I'll talk to my people," said the Chief. So he called a meeting of all the Whimsies and told them of the offer made by the Nomes. The creatures were delighted with the bargain, and at once agreed to fight for the Nome King and help him to conquer Oz. [Illustration] One Whimsie alone seemed to have a glimmer of sense, for he asked: "Suppose we fail to capture the Magic Belt? What will happen then, and what good will all our fighting do?" But they threw him into the river for asking foolish questions, and laughed when the water ruined his pasteboard head before he could swim out again. So the compact was made and General Guph was delighted with his success in gaining such powerful allies. But there were other people, too, just as important as the Whimsies, whom the clever old Nome had determined to win to his side. [Illustration] _How_ AUNT EM CONQUERED THE LION CHAPTER SEVEN [Illustration] "These are your rooms," said Dorothy, opening a door. Aunt Em drew back at sight of the splendid furniture and draperies. "Ain't there any place to wipe my feet?" she asked. "You will soon change your slippers for new shoes," replied Dorothy. "Don't be afraid, Aunt Em. Here is where you are to live, so walk right in and make yourself at home." Aunt Em advanced hesitatingly. "It beats the Topeka Hotel!" she cried, admiringly. "But this place is too grand for us, child. Can't we have some back room in the attic, that's more in our class?" "No," said Dorothy. "You've got to live here, 'cause Ozma says so. And all the rooms in this palace are just as fine as these, and some are better. It won't do any good to fuss, Aunt Em. You've got to be swell and high-toned in the Land of Oz, whether you want to or not; so you may as well make up your mind to it." "It's hard luck," replied her aunt, looking around with an awed expression; "but folks can get used to anything, if they try. Eh, Henry?" "Why, as to that," said Uncle Henry, slowly, "I b'lieve in takin' what's pervided us, an' askin' no questions. I've traveled some, Em, in my time, and you hain't; an' that makes a difference atween us." Then Dorothy showed them through the rooms. The first was a handsome sitting-room, with windows opening upon the rose gardens. Then came separate bedrooms for Aunt Em and Uncle Henry, with a fine bathroom between them. Aunt Em had a pretty dressing room, besides, and Dorothy opened the closets and showed several exquisite costumes that had been provided for her aunt by the royal dressmakers, who had worked all night to get them ready. Everything that Aunt Em could possibly need was in the drawers and closets, and her dressing-table was covered with engraved gold toilet articles. Uncle Henry had nine suits of clothes, cut in the popular Munchkin fashion, with knee-breeches, silk stockings and low shoes with jeweled buckles. The hats to match these costumes had pointed tops and wide brims with small gold bells around the edges. His shirts were of fine linen with frilled bosoms, and his vests were richly embroidered with colored silks. Uncle Henry decided that he would first take a bath and then dress himself in a blue satin suit that had caught his fancy. He accepted his good fortune with calm composure and refused to have a servant to assist him. But Aunt Em was "all of a flutter," as she said, and it took Dorothy and Jellia Jamb, the housekeeper, and two maids a long time to dress her and do up her hair and get her "rigged like a popinjay," as she quaintly expressed it. She wanted to stop and admire everything that caught her eye, and she sighed continually and declared that such finery was too good for an old country woman, and that she never thought she would have to "put on airs" at her time of life. Finally she was dressed, and when they went into the sitting-room there was Uncle Henry in his blue satin, walking gravely up and down the room. He had trimmed his beard and mustache and looked very dignified and respectable. "Tell me, Dorothy," he said; "do all the men here wear duds like these?" "Yes," she replied; "all 'cept the Scarecrow and the Shaggy Man--and of course the Tin Woodman and Tiktok, who are made of metal. You'll find all the men at Ozma's court dressed just as you are--only perhaps a little finer." "Henry, you look like a play-actor," announced Aunt Em, looking at her husband critically. "An' you, Em, look more highfalutin' than a peacock," he replied. "I guess you're right," she said, regretfully; "but we're helpless victims of high-toned royalty." Dorothy was much amused. [Illustration] "Come with me," she said, "and I'll show you 'round the palace." She took them through the beautiful rooms and introduced them to all the people they chanced to meet. Also she showed them her own pretty rooms, which were not far from their own. "So it's all true," said Aunt Em, wide-eyed with amazement, "and what Dorothy told us of this fairy country was plain facts instead of dreams! But where are all the strange creatures you used to know here?" "Yes; where's the Scarecrow?" inquired Uncle Henry. "Why, he's just now away on a visit to the Tin Woodman, who is Emp'ror of the Winkie Country," answered the little girl. "You'll see him when he comes back, and you're sure to like him." "And where's the Wonderful Wizard?" asked Aunt Em. "You'll see him at Ozma's luncheon, for he lives in this palace," was the reply. "And Jack Pumpkinhead?" "Oh, he lives a little way out of town, in his own pumpkin field. We'll go there some time and see him, and we'll call on Professor Wogglebug, too. The Shaggy Man will be at the luncheon, I guess, and Tiktok. And now I'll take you out to see Billina, who has a house of her own." So they went into the back yard, and after walking along winding paths some distance through the beautiful gardens they came to an attractive little house where the Yellow Hen sat on the front porch sunning herself. "Good morning, my dear Mistress," called Billina, fluttering down to meet them. "I was expecting you to call, for I heard you had come back and brought your uncle and aunt with you." "We're here for good and all, this time, Billina," cried Dorothy, joyfully. "Uncle Henry and Aunt Em belong in Oz now as much as I do!" "Then they are very lucky people," declared Billina; "for there couldn't be a nicer place to live. But come, my dear; I must show you all my Dorothys. Nine are living and have grown up to be very respectable hens; but one took cold at Ozma's birthday party and died of the pip, and the other two turned out to be horrid roosters, so I had to change their names from Dorothy to Daniel. They all had the letter 'D' engraved upon their gold lockets, you remember, with your picture inside, and 'D' stands for Daniel as well as for Dorothy." "Did you call both the roosters Daniel?" asked Uncle Henry. "Yes, indeed. I've nine Dorothys and two Daniels; and the nine Dorothys have eighty-six sons and daughters and over three hundred grandchildren," said Billina, proudly. "What names do you give 'em all, dear?" inquired the little girl. "Oh, they are all Dorothys and Daniels, some being Juniors and some Double-Juniors. Dorothy and Daniel are two good names, and I see no object in hunting for others," declared the Yellow Hen. "But just think, Dorothy, what a big chicken family we've grown to be, and our numbers increase nearly every day! Ozma doesn't know what to do with all the eggs we lay, and we are never eaten or harmed in any way, as chickens are in your country. They give us everything to make us contented and happy, and I, my dear, am the acknowledged Queen and Governor of every chicken in Oz, because I'm the eldest and started the whole colony." "You ought to be very proud, ma'am," said Uncle Henry, who was astonished to hear a hen talk so sensibly. "Oh, I am," she replied. "I've the loveliest pearl necklace you ever saw. Come in the house and I'll show it to you. And I've nine leg bracelets and a diamond pin for each wing. But I only wear them on state occasions." They followed the Yellow Hen into the house, which Aunt Em declared was neat as a pin. They could not sit down, because all Billina's chairs were roosting-poles made of silver; so they had to stand while the hen fussily showed them her treasures. Then they had to go into the back rooms occupied by Billina's nine Dorothys and two Daniels, who were all plump yellow chickens and greeted the visitors very politely. It was easy to see that they were well bred and that Billina had looked after their education. In the yards were all the children and grandchildren of these eleven elders and they were of all sizes, from well-grown hens to tiny chickens just out of the shell. About fifty fluffy yellow youngsters were at school, being taught good manners and good grammar by a young hen who wore spectacles. They sang in chorus a patriotic song of the Land of Oz, in honor of their visitors, and Aunt Em was much impressed by these talking chickens. Dorothy wanted to stay and play with the young chickens for awhile, but Uncle Henry and Aunt Em had not seen the palace grounds and gardens yet and were eager to get better acquainted with the marvelous and delightful land in which they were to live. "I'll stay here, and you can go for a walk," said Dorothy. "You'll be perfec'ly safe anywhere, and may do whatever you want to. When you get tired, go back to the palace and find your rooms, and I'll come to you before luncheon is ready." So Uncle Henry and Aunt Em started out alone to explore the grounds, and Dorothy knew that they couldn't get lost, because all the palace grounds were enclosed by a high wall of green marble set with emeralds. It was a rare treat to these simple folk, who had lived in the country all their lives and known little enjoyment of any sort, to wear beautiful clothes and live in a palace and be treated with respect and consideration by all around them. They were very happy indeed as they strolled up the shady walks and looked upon the gorgeous flowers and shrubs, feeling that their new home was more beautiful than any tongue could describe. Suddenly, as they turned a corner and walked through a gap in a high hedge, they came face to face with an enormous Lion, which crouched upon the green lawn and seemed surprised by their appearance. They stopped short, Uncle Henry trembling with horror and Aunt Em too terrified to scream. Next moment the poor woman clasped her husband around the neck and cried: "Save me, Henry, save me!" "Can't even save myself, Em," he returned, in a husky voice, "for the animile looks as if it could eat both of us, an' lick its chops for more! If I only had a gun--" "Haven't you, Henry? Haven't you?" she asked anxiously. "Nary gun, Em. So let's die as brave an' graceful as we can. I knew our luck couldn't last!" "I won't die. I won't be eaten by a lion!" wailed Aunt Em, glaring upon the huge beast. Then a thought struck her, and she whispered: "Henry, I've heard as savage beastses can be conquered by the human eye. I'll eye that lion out o' countenance an' save our lives." "Try it, Em," he returned, also in a whisper. "Look at him as you do at me when I'm late to dinner." Aunt Em turned upon the Lion a determined countenance and a wild dilated eye. She glared at the immense beast steadily, and the Lion, who had been quietly blinking at them, began to appear uneasy and disturbed. [Illustration] "Is anything the matter, ma'am?" he asked, in a mild voice. At this speech from the terrible beast Aunt Em and Uncle Henry both were startled, and then Uncle Henry remembered that this must be the Lion they had seen in Ozma's Throne Room. "Hold on, Em!" he exclaimed. "Quit the eagle eye conquest an' take courage. I guess this is the same Cowardly Lion Dorothy has told us about." "Oh, is it?" she asked, much relieved. "When he spoke, I got the idea; and when he looked so 'shamed like, I was sure of it," Uncle Henry continued. Aunt Em regarded the animal with new interest. "Are you the Cowardly Lion?" she inquired. "Are you Dorothy's friend?" "Yes'm," answered the Lion, meekly. "Dorothy and I are old chums and are very fond of each other. I'm the King of Beasts, you know, and the Hungry Tiger and I serve Princess Ozma as her body guards." "To be sure," said Aunt Em, nodding. "But the King of Beasts shouldn't be cowardly." "I've heard that said before," remarked the Lion, yawning till he showed his two great rows of sharp white teeth; "but that does not keep me from being frightened whenever I go into battle." "What do you do, run?" asked Uncle Henry. "No; that would be foolish, for the enemy would run after me," declared the Lion. "So I tremble with fear and pitch in as hard as I can; and so far I have always won my fight." "Ah, I begin to understand," said Uncle Henry. "Were you scared when I looked at you just now?" inquired Aunt Em. "Terribly scared, madam," answered the Lion, "for at first I thought you were going to have a fit. Then I noticed you were trying to overcome me by the power of your eye, and your glance was so fierce and penetrating that I shook with fear." This greatly pleased the lady, and she said quite cheerfully: "Well, I won't hurt you, so don't be scared any more. I just wanted to see what the human eye was good for." "The human eye is a fearful weapon," remarked the Lion, scratching his nose softly with his paw to hide a smile. "Had I not known you were Dorothy's friends I might have torn you both into shreds in order to escape your terrible gaze." Aunt Em shuddered at hearing this, and Uncle Henry said hastily: "I'm glad you knew us. Good morning, Mr. Lion; we'll hope to see you again--by and by--some time in the future." "Good morning," replied the Lion, squatting down upon the lawn again. "You are likely to see a good deal of me, if you live in the Land of Oz." [Illustration] _How_ THE GRAND GALLIPOOT JOINED THE NOMES CHAPTER EIGHT [Illustration] After leaving the Whimsies, Guph continued on his journey and penetrated far into the Northwest. He wanted to get to the Country of the Growleywogs, and in order to do that he must cross the Ripple Land, which was a hard thing to do. For the Ripple Land was a succession of hills and valleys, all very steep and rocky, and they changed places constantly by rippling. While Guph was climbing a hill it sank down under him and became a valley, and while he was descending into a valley it rose up and carried him to the top of a hill. This was very perplexing to the traveler, and a stranger might have thought he could never cross the Ripple Land at all. But Guph knew that if he kept steadily on he would get to the end at last; so he paid no attention to the changing hills and valleys and plodded along as calmly as if walking upon the level ground. The result of this wise persistence was that the General finally reached firmer soil and, after penetrating a dense forest, came to the Dominion of the Growleywogs. No sooner had he crossed the border of this domain when two guards seized him and carried him before the Grand Gallipoot of the Growleywogs, who scowled upon him ferociously and asked him why he dared intrude upon his territory. "I'm the Lord High General of the Invincible Army of the Nomes, and my name is Guph," was the reply. "All the world trembles when that name is mentioned." The Growleywogs gave a shout of jeering laughter at this, and one of them caught the Nome in his strong arms and tossed him high into the air. Guph was considerably shaken when he fell upon the hard ground, but he appeared to take no notice of the impertinence and composed himself to speak again to the Grand Gallipoot. "My master, King Roquat the Red, has sent me here to confer with you. He wishes your assistance to conquer the Land of Oz." Here the General paused, and the Grand Gallipoot scowled upon him more terribly than ever and said: "Go on!" The voice of the Grand Gallipoot was partly a roar and partly a growl. He mumbled his words badly and Guph had to listen carefully in order to understand him. These Growleywogs were certainly remarkable creatures. They were of gigantic size, yet were all bone and skin and muscle, there being no meat or fat upon their bodies at all. Their powerful muscles lay just underneath their skins, like bunches of tough rope, and the weakest Growleywog was so strong that he could pick up an elephant and toss it seven miles away. It seems unfortunate that strong people are usually so disagreeable and overbearing that no one cares for them. In fact, to be different from your fellow creatures is always a misfortune. The Growleywogs knew that they were disliked and avoided by every one, so they had become surly and unsociable even among themselves. Guph knew that they hated all people, including the Nomes; but he hoped to win them over, nevertheless, and knew that if he succeeded they would afford him very powerful assistance. "The Land of Oz is ruled by a namby-pamby girl who is disgustingly kind and good," he continued. "Her people are all happy and contented and have no care or worries whatever." "Go on!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. [Illustration] "Once the Nome King enslaved the Royal Family of Ev--another goody-goody lot that we detest," said the General. "But Ozma interfered, although it was none of her business, and marched her army against us. With her was a Kansas girl named Dorothy, and a Yellow Hen, and they marched directly into the Nome King's cavern. There they liberated our slaves from Ev and stole King Roquat's Magic Belt, which they carried away with them. So now our King is making a tunnel under the deadly desert, so we can march through it to the Emerald City. When we get there we mean to conquer and destroy all the land and recapture the Magic Belt." Again he paused, and again the Grand Gallipoot growled: "Go on!" Guph tried to think what to say next, and a happy thought soon occurred to him. "We want you to help us in this conquest," he announced, "for we need the mighty aid of the Growleywogs in order to make sure that we shall not be defeated. You are the strongest people in all the world, and you hate good and happy creatures as much as we Nomes do. I am sure it will be a real pleasure to you to tear down the beautiful Emerald City, and in return for your valuable assistance we will allow you to bring back to your country ten thousand people of Oz, to be your slaves." "Twenty thousand!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. "All right, we promise you twenty thousand," agreed the General. The Gallipoot made a signal and at once his attendants picked up General Guph and carried him away to a prison, where the jailor amused himself by sticking pins in the round fat body of the old Nome, to see him jump and hear him yell. But while this was going on the Grand Gallipoot was talking with his counselors, who were the most important officials of the Growleywogs. When he had stated to them the proposition of the Nome King he said: "My advice is to offer to help them. Then, when we have conquered the Land of Oz, we will take not only our twenty thousand prisoners but all the gold and jewels we want." "Let us take the Magic Belt, too," suggested one counselor. "And rob the Nome King and make him our slave," said another. "That is a good idea," declared the Grand Gallipoot. "I'd like King Roquat for my own slave. He could black my boots and bring me my porridge every morning while I am in bed." "There is a famous Scarecrow in Oz. I'll take him for my slave," said a counselor. "I'll take Tiktok, the machine man," said another. "Give me the Tin Woodman," said a third. They went on for some time, dividing up the people and the treasure of Oz in advance of the conquest. For they had no doubt at all that they would be able to destroy Ozma's domain. Were they not the strongest people in all the world? "The deadly desert has kept us out of Oz before," remarked the Grand Gallipoot, "but now that the Nome King is building a tunnel we shall get into the Emerald City very easily. So let us send the little fat General back to his King with our promise to assist him. We will not say that we intend to conquer the Nomes after we have conquered Oz, but we will do so, just the same." This plan being agreed upon, they all went home to dinner, leaving General Guph still in prison. The Nome had no idea that he had succeeded in his mission, for finding himself in prison he feared the Growleywogs intended to put him to death. By this time the jailor had tired of sticking pins in the General, and was amusing himself by carefully pulling the Nome's whiskers out by the roots, one at a time. This enjoyment was interrupted by the Grand Gallipoot sending for the prisoner. "Wait a few hours," begged the jailor. "I haven't pulled out a quarter of his whiskers yet." "If you keep the Grand Gallipoot waiting he'll break your back," declared the messenger. "Perhaps you're right," sighed the jailor. "Take the prisoner away, if you will, but I advise you to kick him at every step he takes. It will be good fun, for he is as soft as a ripe peach." [Illustration] So Guph was led away to the royal castle, where the Grand Gallipoot told him that the Growleywogs had decided to assist the Nomes in conquering the Land of Oz. "Whenever you are ready," he added, "send me word and I will march with eighteen thousand of my most powerful warriors to your aid." Guph was so delighted that he forgot all the smarting caused by the pins and the pulling of whiskers. He did not even complain of the treatment he had received, but thanked the Grand Gallipoot and hurried away upon his journey. He had now secured the assistance of the Whimsies and the Growleywogs; but his success made him long for still more allies. His own life depended upon his conquering Oz, and he said to himself: "I'll take no chances. I'll be certain of success.

fighters

How many times the word 'fighters' appears in the text?

CHAPTER SIX [Illustration] The new General of the Nome King's army knew perfectly well that to fail in his plans meant death for him. Yet he was not at all anxious or worried. He hated every one who was good and longed to make all who were happy unhappy. Therefore he had accepted this dangerous position as General quite willingly, feeling sure in his evil mind that he would be able to do a lot of mischief and finally conquer the Land of Oz. Yet Guph determined to be careful, and to lay his plans well, so as not to fail. He argued that only careless people fail in what they attempt to do. The mountains underneath which the Nome King's extensive caverns were located lay grouped just north of the Land of Ev, which lay directly across the deadly desert to the east of the Land of Oz. As the mountains were also on the edge of the desert the Nome King found that he had only to tunnel underneath the desert to reach Ozma's dominions. He did not wish his armies to appear above ground in the Country of the Winkies, which was the part of the Land of Oz nearest to King Roquat's own country, as then the people would give the alarm and enable Ozma to fortify the Emerald City and assemble an army. He wanted to take all the Oz people by surprise; so he decided to run the tunnel clear through to the Emerald City, where he and his hosts could break through the ground without warning and conquer the people before they had time to defend themselves. Roquat the Red began work at once upon his tunnel, setting a thousand miners at the task and building it high and broad enough for his armies to march through it with ease. The Nomes were used to making tunnels, as all the kingdom in which they lived was under ground; so they made rapid progress. While this work was going on General Guph started out alone to visit the Chief of the Whimsies. These Whimsies were curious people who lived in a retired country of their own. They had large, strong bodies, but heads so small that they were no bigger than door-knobs. Of course, such tiny heads could not contain any great amount of brains, and the Whimsies were so ashamed of their personal appearance and lack of commonsense that they wore big heads, made of pasteboard, which they fastened over their own little heads. On these pasteboard heads they sewed sheep's wool for hair, and the wool was colored many tints--pink, green and lavender being the favorite colors. The faces of these false heads were painted in many ridiculous ways, according to the whims of the owners, and these big, burly creatures looked so whimsical and absurd in their queer masks that they were called "Whimsies." They foolishly imagined that no one would suspect the little heads that were inside the imitation ones, not knowing that it is folly to try to appear otherwise than as nature has made us. The Chief of the Whimsies had as little wisdom as the others, and had been chosen chief merely because none among them was any wiser or more capable of ruling. The Whimsies were evil spirits and could not be killed. They were hated and feared by every one and were known as terrible fighters because they were so strong and muscular and had not sense enough to know when they were defeated. General Guph thought the Whimsies would be a great help to the Nomes in the conquest of Oz, for under his leadership they could be induced to fight as long so they could stand up. So he traveled to their country and asked to see the Chief, who lived in a house that had a picture of his grotesque false head painted over the doorway. The Chief's false head had blue hair, a turned-up nose, and a mouth that stretched half across the face. Big green eyes had been painted upon it, but in the center of the chin were two small holes made in the pasteboard, so that the Chief could see through them with his own tiny eyes; for when the big head was fastened upon his shoulders the eyes in his own natural head were on a level with the false chin. Said General Guph to the Chief of the Whimsies: "We Nomes are going to conquer the Land of Oz and capture our King's Magic Belt, which the Oz people stole from him. Then we are going to plunder and destroy the whole country. And we want the Whimsies to help us." "Will there be any fighting?" asked the Chief. "Plenty," replied Guph. That must have pleased the Chief, for he got up and danced around the room three times. Then he seated himself again, adjusted his false head, and said: "We have no quarrel with Ozma of Oz." "But you Whimsies love to fight, and here is a splendid chance to do so," urged Guph. "Wait till I sing a song," said the Chief. Then he lay back in his chair and sang a foolish song that did not seem to the General to mean anything, although he listened carefully. When he had finished, the Chief Whimsie looked at him through the holes in his chin and asked: "What reward will you give us if we help you?" The General was prepared for this question, for he had been thinking the matter over on his journey. People often do a good deed without hope of reward, but for an evil deed they always demand payment. [Illustration] "When we get our Magic Belt," he made reply, "our King, Roquat the Red, will use its power to give every Whimsie a natural head as big and fine as the false head he now wears. Then you will no longer be ashamed because your big strong bodies have such teenty-weenty heads." "Oh! Will you do that?" asked the Chief, eagerly. "We surely will," promised the General. "I'll talk to my people," said the Chief. So he called a meeting of all the Whimsies and told them of the offer made by the Nomes. The creatures were delighted with the bargain, and at once agreed to fight for the Nome King and help him to conquer Oz. [Illustration] One Whimsie alone seemed to have a glimmer of sense, for he asked: "Suppose we fail to capture the Magic Belt? What will happen then, and what good will all our fighting do?" But they threw him into the river for asking foolish questions, and laughed when the water ruined his pasteboard head before he could swim out again. So the compact was made and General Guph was delighted with his success in gaining such powerful allies. But there were other people, too, just as important as the Whimsies, whom the clever old Nome had determined to win to his side. [Illustration] _How_ AUNT EM CONQUERED THE LION CHAPTER SEVEN [Illustration] "These are your rooms," said Dorothy, opening a door. Aunt Em drew back at sight of the splendid furniture and draperies. "Ain't there any place to wipe my feet?" she asked. "You will soon change your slippers for new shoes," replied Dorothy. "Don't be afraid, Aunt Em. Here is where you are to live, so walk right in and make yourself at home." Aunt Em advanced hesitatingly. "It beats the Topeka Hotel!" she cried, admiringly. "But this place is too grand for us, child. Can't we have some back room in the attic, that's more in our class?" "No," said Dorothy. "You've got to live here, 'cause Ozma says so. And all the rooms in this palace are just as fine as these, and some are better. It won't do any good to fuss, Aunt Em. You've got to be swell and high-toned in the Land of Oz, whether you want to or not; so you may as well make up your mind to it." "It's hard luck," replied her aunt, looking around with an awed expression; "but folks can get used to anything, if they try. Eh, Henry?" "Why, as to that," said Uncle Henry, slowly, "I b'lieve in takin' what's pervided us, an' askin' no questions. I've traveled some, Em, in my time, and you hain't; an' that makes a difference atween us." Then Dorothy showed them through the rooms. The first was a handsome sitting-room, with windows opening upon the rose gardens. Then came separate bedrooms for Aunt Em and Uncle Henry, with a fine bathroom between them. Aunt Em had a pretty dressing room, besides, and Dorothy opened the closets and showed several exquisite costumes that had been provided for her aunt by the royal dressmakers, who had worked all night to get them ready. Everything that Aunt Em could possibly need was in the drawers and closets, and her dressing-table was covered with engraved gold toilet articles. Uncle Henry had nine suits of clothes, cut in the popular Munchkin fashion, with knee-breeches, silk stockings and low shoes with jeweled buckles. The hats to match these costumes had pointed tops and wide brims with small gold bells around the edges. His shirts were of fine linen with frilled bosoms, and his vests were richly embroidered with colored silks. Uncle Henry decided that he would first take a bath and then dress himself in a blue satin suit that had caught his fancy. He accepted his good fortune with calm composure and refused to have a servant to assist him. But Aunt Em was "all of a flutter," as she said, and it took Dorothy and Jellia Jamb, the housekeeper, and two maids a long time to dress her and do up her hair and get her "rigged like a popinjay," as she quaintly expressed it. She wanted to stop and admire everything that caught her eye, and she sighed continually and declared that such finery was too good for an old country woman, and that she never thought she would have to "put on airs" at her time of life. Finally she was dressed, and when they went into the sitting-room there was Uncle Henry in his blue satin, walking gravely up and down the room. He had trimmed his beard and mustache and looked very dignified and respectable. "Tell me, Dorothy," he said; "do all the men here wear duds like these?" "Yes," she replied; "all 'cept the Scarecrow and the Shaggy Man--and of course the Tin Woodman and Tiktok, who are made of metal. You'll find all the men at Ozma's court dressed just as you are--only perhaps a little finer." "Henry, you look like a play-actor," announced Aunt Em, looking at her husband critically. "An' you, Em, look more highfalutin' than a peacock," he replied. "I guess you're right," she said, regretfully; "but we're helpless victims of high-toned royalty." Dorothy was much amused. [Illustration] "Come with me," she said, "and I'll show you 'round the palace." She took them through the beautiful rooms and introduced them to all the people they chanced to meet. Also she showed them her own pretty rooms, which were not far from their own. "So it's all true," said Aunt Em, wide-eyed with amazement, "and what Dorothy told us of this fairy country was plain facts instead of dreams! But where are all the strange creatures you used to know here?" "Yes; where's the Scarecrow?" inquired Uncle Henry. "Why, he's just now away on a visit to the Tin Woodman, who is Emp'ror of the Winkie Country," answered the little girl. "You'll see him when he comes back, and you're sure to like him." "And where's the Wonderful Wizard?" asked Aunt Em. "You'll see him at Ozma's luncheon, for he lives in this palace," was the reply. "And Jack Pumpkinhead?" "Oh, he lives a little way out of town, in his own pumpkin field. We'll go there some time and see him, and we'll call on Professor Wogglebug, too. The Shaggy Man will be at the luncheon, I guess, and Tiktok. And now I'll take you out to see Billina, who has a house of her own." So they went into the back yard, and after walking along winding paths some distance through the beautiful gardens they came to an attractive little house where the Yellow Hen sat on the front porch sunning herself. "Good morning, my dear Mistress," called Billina, fluttering down to meet them. "I was expecting you to call, for I heard you had come back and brought your uncle and aunt with you." "We're here for good and all, this time, Billina," cried Dorothy, joyfully. "Uncle Henry and Aunt Em belong in Oz now as much as I do!" "Then they are very lucky people," declared Billina; "for there couldn't be a nicer place to live. But come, my dear; I must show you all my Dorothys. Nine are living and have grown up to be very respectable hens; but one took cold at Ozma's birthday party and died of the pip, and the other two turned out to be horrid roosters, so I had to change their names from Dorothy to Daniel. They all had the letter 'D' engraved upon their gold lockets, you remember, with your picture inside, and 'D' stands for Daniel as well as for Dorothy." "Did you call both the roosters Daniel?" asked Uncle Henry. "Yes, indeed. I've nine Dorothys and two Daniels; and the nine Dorothys have eighty-six sons and daughters and over three hundred grandchildren," said Billina, proudly. "What names do you give 'em all, dear?" inquired the little girl. "Oh, they are all Dorothys and Daniels, some being Juniors and some Double-Juniors. Dorothy and Daniel are two good names, and I see no object in hunting for others," declared the Yellow Hen. "But just think, Dorothy, what a big chicken family we've grown to be, and our numbers increase nearly every day! Ozma doesn't know what to do with all the eggs we lay, and we are never eaten or harmed in any way, as chickens are in your country. They give us everything to make us contented and happy, and I, my dear, am the acknowledged Queen and Governor of every chicken in Oz, because I'm the eldest and started the whole colony." "You ought to be very proud, ma'am," said Uncle Henry, who was astonished to hear a hen talk so sensibly. "Oh, I am," she replied. "I've the loveliest pearl necklace you ever saw. Come in the house and I'll show it to you. And I've nine leg bracelets and a diamond pin for each wing. But I only wear them on state occasions." They followed the Yellow Hen into the house, which Aunt Em declared was neat as a pin. They could not sit down, because all Billina's chairs were roosting-poles made of silver; so they had to stand while the hen fussily showed them her treasures. Then they had to go into the back rooms occupied by Billina's nine Dorothys and two Daniels, who were all plump yellow chickens and greeted the visitors very politely. It was easy to see that they were well bred and that Billina had looked after their education. In the yards were all the children and grandchildren of these eleven elders and they were of all sizes, from well-grown hens to tiny chickens just out of the shell. About fifty fluffy yellow youngsters were at school, being taught good manners and good grammar by a young hen who wore spectacles. They sang in chorus a patriotic song of the Land of Oz, in honor of their visitors, and Aunt Em was much impressed by these talking chickens. Dorothy wanted to stay and play with the young chickens for awhile, but Uncle Henry and Aunt Em had not seen the palace grounds and gardens yet and were eager to get better acquainted with the marvelous and delightful land in which they were to live. "I'll stay here, and you can go for a walk," said Dorothy. "You'll be perfec'ly safe anywhere, and may do whatever you want to. When you get tired, go back to the palace and find your rooms, and I'll come to you before luncheon is ready." So Uncle Henry and Aunt Em started out alone to explore the grounds, and Dorothy knew that they couldn't get lost, because all the palace grounds were enclosed by a high wall of green marble set with emeralds. It was a rare treat to these simple folk, who had lived in the country all their lives and known little enjoyment of any sort, to wear beautiful clothes and live in a palace and be treated with respect and consideration by all around them. They were very happy indeed as they strolled up the shady walks and looked upon the gorgeous flowers and shrubs, feeling that their new home was more beautiful than any tongue could describe. Suddenly, as they turned a corner and walked through a gap in a high hedge, they came face to face with an enormous Lion, which crouched upon the green lawn and seemed surprised by their appearance. They stopped short, Uncle Henry trembling with horror and Aunt Em too terrified to scream. Next moment the poor woman clasped her husband around the neck and cried: "Save me, Henry, save me!" "Can't even save myself, Em," he returned, in a husky voice, "for the animile looks as if it could eat both of us, an' lick its chops for more! If I only had a gun--" "Haven't you, Henry? Haven't you?" she asked anxiously. "Nary gun, Em. So let's die as brave an' graceful as we can. I knew our luck couldn't last!" "I won't die. I won't be eaten by a lion!" wailed Aunt Em, glaring upon the huge beast. Then a thought struck her, and she whispered: "Henry, I've heard as savage beastses can be conquered by the human eye. I'll eye that lion out o' countenance an' save our lives." "Try it, Em," he returned, also in a whisper. "Look at him as you do at me when I'm late to dinner." Aunt Em turned upon the Lion a determined countenance and a wild dilated eye. She glared at the immense beast steadily, and the Lion, who had been quietly blinking at them, began to appear uneasy and disturbed. [Illustration] "Is anything the matter, ma'am?" he asked, in a mild voice. At this speech from the terrible beast Aunt Em and Uncle Henry both were startled, and then Uncle Henry remembered that this must be the Lion they had seen in Ozma's Throne Room. "Hold on, Em!" he exclaimed. "Quit the eagle eye conquest an' take courage. I guess this is the same Cowardly Lion Dorothy has told us about." "Oh, is it?" she asked, much relieved. "When he spoke, I got the idea; and when he looked so 'shamed like, I was sure of it," Uncle Henry continued. Aunt Em regarded the animal with new interest. "Are you the Cowardly Lion?" she inquired. "Are you Dorothy's friend?" "Yes'm," answered the Lion, meekly. "Dorothy and I are old chums and are very fond of each other. I'm the King of Beasts, you know, and the Hungry Tiger and I serve Princess Ozma as her body guards." "To be sure," said Aunt Em, nodding. "But the King of Beasts shouldn't be cowardly." "I've heard that said before," remarked the Lion, yawning till he showed his two great rows of sharp white teeth; "but that does not keep me from being frightened whenever I go into battle." "What do you do, run?" asked Uncle Henry. "No; that would be foolish, for the enemy would run after me," declared the Lion. "So I tremble with fear and pitch in as hard as I can; and so far I have always won my fight." "Ah, I begin to understand," said Uncle Henry. "Were you scared when I looked at you just now?" inquired Aunt Em. "Terribly scared, madam," answered the Lion, "for at first I thought you were going to have a fit. Then I noticed you were trying to overcome me by the power of your eye, and your glance was so fierce and penetrating that I shook with fear." This greatly pleased the lady, and she said quite cheerfully: "Well, I won't hurt you, so don't be scared any more. I just wanted to see what the human eye was good for." "The human eye is a fearful weapon," remarked the Lion, scratching his nose softly with his paw to hide a smile. "Had I not known you were Dorothy's friends I might have torn you both into shreds in order to escape your terrible gaze." Aunt Em shuddered at hearing this, and Uncle Henry said hastily: "I'm glad you knew us. Good morning, Mr. Lion; we'll hope to see you again--by and by--some time in the future." "Good morning," replied the Lion, squatting down upon the lawn again. "You are likely to see a good deal of me, if you live in the Land of Oz." [Illustration] _How_ THE GRAND GALLIPOOT JOINED THE NOMES CHAPTER EIGHT [Illustration] After leaving the Whimsies, Guph continued on his journey and penetrated far into the Northwest. He wanted to get to the Country of the Growleywogs, and in order to do that he must cross the Ripple Land, which was a hard thing to do. For the Ripple Land was a succession of hills and valleys, all very steep and rocky, and they changed places constantly by rippling. While Guph was climbing a hill it sank down under him and became a valley, and while he was descending into a valley it rose up and carried him to the top of a hill. This was very perplexing to the traveler, and a stranger might have thought he could never cross the Ripple Land at all. But Guph knew that if he kept steadily on he would get to the end at last; so he paid no attention to the changing hills and valleys and plodded along as calmly as if walking upon the level ground. The result of this wise persistence was that the General finally reached firmer soil and, after penetrating a dense forest, came to the Dominion of the Growleywogs. No sooner had he crossed the border of this domain when two guards seized him and carried him before the Grand Gallipoot of the Growleywogs, who scowled upon him ferociously and asked him why he dared intrude upon his territory. "I'm the Lord High General of the Invincible Army of the Nomes, and my name is Guph," was the reply. "All the world trembles when that name is mentioned." The Growleywogs gave a shout of jeering laughter at this, and one of them caught the Nome in his strong arms and tossed him high into the air. Guph was considerably shaken when he fell upon the hard ground, but he appeared to take no notice of the impertinence and composed himself to speak again to the Grand Gallipoot. "My master, King Roquat the Red, has sent me here to confer with you. He wishes your assistance to conquer the Land of Oz." Here the General paused, and the Grand Gallipoot scowled upon him more terribly than ever and said: "Go on!" The voice of the Grand Gallipoot was partly a roar and partly a growl. He mumbled his words badly and Guph had to listen carefully in order to understand him. These Growleywogs were certainly remarkable creatures. They were of gigantic size, yet were all bone and skin and muscle, there being no meat or fat upon their bodies at all. Their powerful muscles lay just underneath their skins, like bunches of tough rope, and the weakest Growleywog was so strong that he could pick up an elephant and toss it seven miles away. It seems unfortunate that strong people are usually so disagreeable and overbearing that no one cares for them. In fact, to be different from your fellow creatures is always a misfortune. The Growleywogs knew that they were disliked and avoided by every one, so they had become surly and unsociable even among themselves. Guph knew that they hated all people, including the Nomes; but he hoped to win them over, nevertheless, and knew that if he succeeded they would afford him very powerful assistance. "The Land of Oz is ruled by a namby-pamby girl who is disgustingly kind and good," he continued. "Her people are all happy and contented and have no care or worries whatever." "Go on!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. [Illustration] "Once the Nome King enslaved the Royal Family of Ev--another goody-goody lot that we detest," said the General. "But Ozma interfered, although it was none of her business, and marched her army against us. With her was a Kansas girl named Dorothy, and a Yellow Hen, and they marched directly into the Nome King's cavern. There they liberated our slaves from Ev and stole King Roquat's Magic Belt, which they carried away with them. So now our King is making a tunnel under the deadly desert, so we can march through it to the Emerald City. When we get there we mean to conquer and destroy all the land and recapture the Magic Belt." Again he paused, and again the Grand Gallipoot growled: "Go on!" Guph tried to think what to say next, and a happy thought soon occurred to him. "We want you to help us in this conquest," he announced, "for we need the mighty aid of the Growleywogs in order to make sure that we shall not be defeated. You are the strongest people in all the world, and you hate good and happy creatures as much as we Nomes do. I am sure it will be a real pleasure to you to tear down the beautiful Emerald City, and in return for your valuable assistance we will allow you to bring back to your country ten thousand people of Oz, to be your slaves." "Twenty thousand!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. "All right, we promise you twenty thousand," agreed the General. The Gallipoot made a signal and at once his attendants picked up General Guph and carried him away to a prison, where the jailor amused himself by sticking pins in the round fat body of the old Nome, to see him jump and hear him yell. But while this was going on the Grand Gallipoot was talking with his counselors, who were the most important officials of the Growleywogs. When he had stated to them the proposition of the Nome King he said: "My advice is to offer to help them. Then, when we have conquered the Land of Oz, we will take not only our twenty thousand prisoners but all the gold and jewels we want." "Let us take the Magic Belt, too," suggested one counselor. "And rob the Nome King and make him our slave," said another. "That is a good idea," declared the Grand Gallipoot. "I'd like King Roquat for my own slave. He could black my boots and bring me my porridge every morning while I am in bed." "There is a famous Scarecrow in Oz. I'll take him for my slave," said a counselor. "I'll take Tiktok, the machine man," said another. "Give me the Tin Woodman," said a third. They went on for some time, dividing up the people and the treasure of Oz in advance of the conquest. For they had no doubt at all that they would be able to destroy Ozma's domain. Were they not the strongest people in all the world? "The deadly desert has kept us out of Oz before," remarked the Grand Gallipoot, "but now that the Nome King is building a tunnel we shall get into the Emerald City very easily. So let us send the little fat General back to his King with our promise to assist him. We will not say that we intend to conquer the Nomes after we have conquered Oz, but we will do so, just the same." This plan being agreed upon, they all went home to dinner, leaving General Guph still in prison. The Nome had no idea that he had succeeded in his mission, for finding himself in prison he feared the Growleywogs intended to put him to death. By this time the jailor had tired of sticking pins in the General, and was amusing himself by carefully pulling the Nome's whiskers out by the roots, one at a time. This enjoyment was interrupted by the Grand Gallipoot sending for the prisoner. "Wait a few hours," begged the jailor. "I haven't pulled out a quarter of his whiskers yet." "If you keep the Grand Gallipoot waiting he'll break your back," declared the messenger. "Perhaps you're right," sighed the jailor. "Take the prisoner away, if you will, but I advise you to kick him at every step he takes. It will be good fun, for he is as soft as a ripe peach." [Illustration] So Guph was led away to the royal castle, where the Grand Gallipoot told him that the Growleywogs had decided to assist the Nomes in conquering the Land of Oz. "Whenever you are ready," he added, "send me word and I will march with eighteen thousand of my most powerful warriors to your aid." Guph was so delighted that he forgot all the smarting caused by the pins and the pulling of whiskers. He did not even complain of the treatment he had received, but thanked the Grand Gallipoot and hurried away upon his journey. He had now secured the assistance of the Whimsies and the Growleywogs; but his success made him long for still more allies. His own life depended upon his conquering Oz, and he said to himself: "I'll take no chances. I'll be certain of success.

possibly

How many times the word 'possibly' appears in the text?

CHAPTER SIX [Illustration] The new General of the Nome King's army knew perfectly well that to fail in his plans meant death for him. Yet he was not at all anxious or worried. He hated every one who was good and longed to make all who were happy unhappy. Therefore he had accepted this dangerous position as General quite willingly, feeling sure in his evil mind that he would be able to do a lot of mischief and finally conquer the Land of Oz. Yet Guph determined to be careful, and to lay his plans well, so as not to fail. He argued that only careless people fail in what they attempt to do. The mountains underneath which the Nome King's extensive caverns were located lay grouped just north of the Land of Ev, which lay directly across the deadly desert to the east of the Land of Oz. As the mountains were also on the edge of the desert the Nome King found that he had only to tunnel underneath the desert to reach Ozma's dominions. He did not wish his armies to appear above ground in the Country of the Winkies, which was the part of the Land of Oz nearest to King Roquat's own country, as then the people would give the alarm and enable Ozma to fortify the Emerald City and assemble an army. He wanted to take all the Oz people by surprise; so he decided to run the tunnel clear through to the Emerald City, where he and his hosts could break through the ground without warning and conquer the people before they had time to defend themselves. Roquat the Red began work at once upon his tunnel, setting a thousand miners at the task and building it high and broad enough for his armies to march through it with ease. The Nomes were used to making tunnels, as all the kingdom in which they lived was under ground; so they made rapid progress. While this work was going on General Guph started out alone to visit the Chief of the Whimsies. These Whimsies were curious people who lived in a retired country of their own. They had large, strong bodies, but heads so small that they were no bigger than door-knobs. Of course, such tiny heads could not contain any great amount of brains, and the Whimsies were so ashamed of their personal appearance and lack of commonsense that they wore big heads, made of pasteboard, which they fastened over their own little heads. On these pasteboard heads they sewed sheep's wool for hair, and the wool was colored many tints--pink, green and lavender being the favorite colors. The faces of these false heads were painted in many ridiculous ways, according to the whims of the owners, and these big, burly creatures looked so whimsical and absurd in their queer masks that they were called "Whimsies." They foolishly imagined that no one would suspect the little heads that were inside the imitation ones, not knowing that it is folly to try to appear otherwise than as nature has made us. The Chief of the Whimsies had as little wisdom as the others, and had been chosen chief merely because none among them was any wiser or more capable of ruling. The Whimsies were evil spirits and could not be killed. They were hated and feared by every one and were known as terrible fighters because they were so strong and muscular and had not sense enough to know when they were defeated. General Guph thought the Whimsies would be a great help to the Nomes in the conquest of Oz, for under his leadership they could be induced to fight as long so they could stand up. So he traveled to their country and asked to see the Chief, who lived in a house that had a picture of his grotesque false head painted over the doorway. The Chief's false head had blue hair, a turned-up nose, and a mouth that stretched half across the face. Big green eyes had been painted upon it, but in the center of the chin were two small holes made in the pasteboard, so that the Chief could see through them with his own tiny eyes; for when the big head was fastened upon his shoulders the eyes in his own natural head were on a level with the false chin. Said General Guph to the Chief of the Whimsies: "We Nomes are going to conquer the Land of Oz and capture our King's Magic Belt, which the Oz people stole from him. Then we are going to plunder and destroy the whole country. And we want the Whimsies to help us." "Will there be any fighting?" asked the Chief. "Plenty," replied Guph. That must have pleased the Chief, for he got up and danced around the room three times. Then he seated himself again, adjusted his false head, and said: "We have no quarrel with Ozma of Oz." "But you Whimsies love to fight, and here is a splendid chance to do so," urged Guph. "Wait till I sing a song," said the Chief. Then he lay back in his chair and sang a foolish song that did not seem to the General to mean anything, although he listened carefully. When he had finished, the Chief Whimsie looked at him through the holes in his chin and asked: "What reward will you give us if we help you?" The General was prepared for this question, for he had been thinking the matter over on his journey. People often do a good deed without hope of reward, but for an evil deed they always demand payment. [Illustration] "When we get our Magic Belt," he made reply, "our King, Roquat the Red, will use its power to give every Whimsie a natural head as big and fine as the false head he now wears. Then you will no longer be ashamed because your big strong bodies have such teenty-weenty heads." "Oh! Will you do that?" asked the Chief, eagerly. "We surely will," promised the General. "I'll talk to my people," said the Chief. So he called a meeting of all the Whimsies and told them of the offer made by the Nomes. The creatures were delighted with the bargain, and at once agreed to fight for the Nome King and help him to conquer Oz. [Illustration] One Whimsie alone seemed to have a glimmer of sense, for he asked: "Suppose we fail to capture the Magic Belt? What will happen then, and what good will all our fighting do?" But they threw him into the river for asking foolish questions, and laughed when the water ruined his pasteboard head before he could swim out again. So the compact was made and General Guph was delighted with his success in gaining such powerful allies. But there were other people, too, just as important as the Whimsies, whom the clever old Nome had determined to win to his side. [Illustration] _How_ AUNT EM CONQUERED THE LION CHAPTER SEVEN [Illustration] "These are your rooms," said Dorothy, opening a door. Aunt Em drew back at sight of the splendid furniture and draperies. "Ain't there any place to wipe my feet?" she asked. "You will soon change your slippers for new shoes," replied Dorothy. "Don't be afraid, Aunt Em. Here is where you are to live, so walk right in and make yourself at home." Aunt Em advanced hesitatingly. "It beats the Topeka Hotel!" she cried, admiringly. "But this place is too grand for us, child. Can't we have some back room in the attic, that's more in our class?" "No," said Dorothy. "You've got to live here, 'cause Ozma says so. And all the rooms in this palace are just as fine as these, and some are better. It won't do any good to fuss, Aunt Em. You've got to be swell and high-toned in the Land of Oz, whether you want to or not; so you may as well make up your mind to it." "It's hard luck," replied her aunt, looking around with an awed expression; "but folks can get used to anything, if they try. Eh, Henry?" "Why, as to that," said Uncle Henry, slowly, "I b'lieve in takin' what's pervided us, an' askin' no questions. I've traveled some, Em, in my time, and you hain't; an' that makes a difference atween us." Then Dorothy showed them through the rooms. The first was a handsome sitting-room, with windows opening upon the rose gardens. Then came separate bedrooms for Aunt Em and Uncle Henry, with a fine bathroom between them. Aunt Em had a pretty dressing room, besides, and Dorothy opened the closets and showed several exquisite costumes that had been provided for her aunt by the royal dressmakers, who had worked all night to get them ready. Everything that Aunt Em could possibly need was in the drawers and closets, and her dressing-table was covered with engraved gold toilet articles. Uncle Henry had nine suits of clothes, cut in the popular Munchkin fashion, with knee-breeches, silk stockings and low shoes with jeweled buckles. The hats to match these costumes had pointed tops and wide brims with small gold bells around the edges. His shirts were of fine linen with frilled bosoms, and his vests were richly embroidered with colored silks. Uncle Henry decided that he would first take a bath and then dress himself in a blue satin suit that had caught his fancy. He accepted his good fortune with calm composure and refused to have a servant to assist him. But Aunt Em was "all of a flutter," as she said, and it took Dorothy and Jellia Jamb, the housekeeper, and two maids a long time to dress her and do up her hair and get her "rigged like a popinjay," as she quaintly expressed it. She wanted to stop and admire everything that caught her eye, and she sighed continually and declared that such finery was too good for an old country woman, and that she never thought she would have to "put on airs" at her time of life. Finally she was dressed, and when they went into the sitting-room there was Uncle Henry in his blue satin, walking gravely up and down the room. He had trimmed his beard and mustache and looked very dignified and respectable. "Tell me, Dorothy," he said; "do all the men here wear duds like these?" "Yes," she replied; "all 'cept the Scarecrow and the Shaggy Man--and of course the Tin Woodman and Tiktok, who are made of metal. You'll find all the men at Ozma's court dressed just as you are--only perhaps a little finer." "Henry, you look like a play-actor," announced Aunt Em, looking at her husband critically. "An' you, Em, look more highfalutin' than a peacock," he replied. "I guess you're right," she said, regretfully; "but we're helpless victims of high-toned royalty." Dorothy was much amused. [Illustration] "Come with me," she said, "and I'll show you 'round the palace." She took them through the beautiful rooms and introduced them to all the people they chanced to meet. Also she showed them her own pretty rooms, which were not far from their own. "So it's all true," said Aunt Em, wide-eyed with amazement, "and what Dorothy told us of this fairy country was plain facts instead of dreams! But where are all the strange creatures you used to know here?" "Yes; where's the Scarecrow?" inquired Uncle Henry. "Why, he's just now away on a visit to the Tin Woodman, who is Emp'ror of the Winkie Country," answered the little girl. "You'll see him when he comes back, and you're sure to like him." "And where's the Wonderful Wizard?" asked Aunt Em. "You'll see him at Ozma's luncheon, for he lives in this palace," was the reply. "And Jack Pumpkinhead?" "Oh, he lives a little way out of town, in his own pumpkin field. We'll go there some time and see him, and we'll call on Professor Wogglebug, too. The Shaggy Man will be at the luncheon, I guess, and Tiktok. And now I'll take you out to see Billina, who has a house of her own." So they went into the back yard, and after walking along winding paths some distance through the beautiful gardens they came to an attractive little house where the Yellow Hen sat on the front porch sunning herself. "Good morning, my dear Mistress," called Billina, fluttering down to meet them. "I was expecting you to call, for I heard you had come back and brought your uncle and aunt with you." "We're here for good and all, this time, Billina," cried Dorothy, joyfully. "Uncle Henry and Aunt Em belong in Oz now as much as I do!" "Then they are very lucky people," declared Billina; "for there couldn't be a nicer place to live. But come, my dear; I must show you all my Dorothys. Nine are living and have grown up to be very respectable hens; but one took cold at Ozma's birthday party and died of the pip, and the other two turned out to be horrid roosters, so I had to change their names from Dorothy to Daniel. They all had the letter 'D' engraved upon their gold lockets, you remember, with your picture inside, and 'D' stands for Daniel as well as for Dorothy." "Did you call both the roosters Daniel?" asked Uncle Henry. "Yes, indeed. I've nine Dorothys and two Daniels; and the nine Dorothys have eighty-six sons and daughters and over three hundred grandchildren," said Billina, proudly. "What names do you give 'em all, dear?" inquired the little girl. "Oh, they are all Dorothys and Daniels, some being Juniors and some Double-Juniors. Dorothy and Daniel are two good names, and I see no object in hunting for others," declared the Yellow Hen. "But just think, Dorothy, what a big chicken family we've grown to be, and our numbers increase nearly every day! Ozma doesn't know what to do with all the eggs we lay, and we are never eaten or harmed in any way, as chickens are in your country. They give us everything to make us contented and happy, and I, my dear, am the acknowledged Queen and Governor of every chicken in Oz, because I'm the eldest and started the whole colony." "You ought to be very proud, ma'am," said Uncle Henry, who was astonished to hear a hen talk so sensibly. "Oh, I am," she replied. "I've the loveliest pearl necklace you ever saw. Come in the house and I'll show it to you. And I've nine leg bracelets and a diamond pin for each wing. But I only wear them on state occasions." They followed the Yellow Hen into the house, which Aunt Em declared was neat as a pin. They could not sit down, because all Billina's chairs were roosting-poles made of silver; so they had to stand while the hen fussily showed them her treasures. Then they had to go into the back rooms occupied by Billina's nine Dorothys and two Daniels, who were all plump yellow chickens and greeted the visitors very politely. It was easy to see that they were well bred and that Billina had looked after their education. In the yards were all the children and grandchildren of these eleven elders and they were of all sizes, from well-grown hens to tiny chickens just out of the shell. About fifty fluffy yellow youngsters were at school, being taught good manners and good grammar by a young hen who wore spectacles. They sang in chorus a patriotic song of the Land of Oz, in honor of their visitors, and Aunt Em was much impressed by these talking chickens. Dorothy wanted to stay and play with the young chickens for awhile, but Uncle Henry and Aunt Em had not seen the palace grounds and gardens yet and were eager to get better acquainted with the marvelous and delightful land in which they were to live. "I'll stay here, and you can go for a walk," said Dorothy. "You'll be perfec'ly safe anywhere, and may do whatever you want to. When you get tired, go back to the palace and find your rooms, and I'll come to you before luncheon is ready." So Uncle Henry and Aunt Em started out alone to explore the grounds, and Dorothy knew that they couldn't get lost, because all the palace grounds were enclosed by a high wall of green marble set with emeralds. It was a rare treat to these simple folk, who had lived in the country all their lives and known little enjoyment of any sort, to wear beautiful clothes and live in a palace and be treated with respect and consideration by all around them. They were very happy indeed as they strolled up the shady walks and looked upon the gorgeous flowers and shrubs, feeling that their new home was more beautiful than any tongue could describe. Suddenly, as they turned a corner and walked through a gap in a high hedge, they came face to face with an enormous Lion, which crouched upon the green lawn and seemed surprised by their appearance. They stopped short, Uncle Henry trembling with horror and Aunt Em too terrified to scream. Next moment the poor woman clasped her husband around the neck and cried: "Save me, Henry, save me!" "Can't even save myself, Em," he returned, in a husky voice, "for the animile looks as if it could eat both of us, an' lick its chops for more! If I only had a gun--" "Haven't you, Henry? Haven't you?" she asked anxiously. "Nary gun, Em. So let's die as brave an' graceful as we can. I knew our luck couldn't last!" "I won't die. I won't be eaten by a lion!" wailed Aunt Em, glaring upon the huge beast. Then a thought struck her, and she whispered: "Henry, I've heard as savage beastses can be conquered by the human eye. I'll eye that lion out o' countenance an' save our lives." "Try it, Em," he returned, also in a whisper. "Look at him as you do at me when I'm late to dinner." Aunt Em turned upon the Lion a determined countenance and a wild dilated eye. She glared at the immense beast steadily, and the Lion, who had been quietly blinking at them, began to appear uneasy and disturbed. [Illustration] "Is anything the matter, ma'am?" he asked, in a mild voice. At this speech from the terrible beast Aunt Em and Uncle Henry both were startled, and then Uncle Henry remembered that this must be the Lion they had seen in Ozma's Throne Room. "Hold on, Em!" he exclaimed. "Quit the eagle eye conquest an' take courage. I guess this is the same Cowardly Lion Dorothy has told us about." "Oh, is it?" she asked, much relieved. "When he spoke, I got the idea; and when he looked so 'shamed like, I was sure of it," Uncle Henry continued. Aunt Em regarded the animal with new interest. "Are you the Cowardly Lion?" she inquired. "Are you Dorothy's friend?" "Yes'm," answered the Lion, meekly. "Dorothy and I are old chums and are very fond of each other. I'm the King of Beasts, you know, and the Hungry Tiger and I serve Princess Ozma as her body guards." "To be sure," said Aunt Em, nodding. "But the King of Beasts shouldn't be cowardly." "I've heard that said before," remarked the Lion, yawning till he showed his two great rows of sharp white teeth; "but that does not keep me from being frightened whenever I go into battle." "What do you do, run?" asked Uncle Henry. "No; that would be foolish, for the enemy would run after me," declared the Lion. "So I tremble with fear and pitch in as hard as I can; and so far I have always won my fight." "Ah, I begin to understand," said Uncle Henry. "Were you scared when I looked at you just now?" inquired Aunt Em. "Terribly scared, madam," answered the Lion, "for at first I thought you were going to have a fit. Then I noticed you were trying to overcome me by the power of your eye, and your glance was so fierce and penetrating that I shook with fear." This greatly pleased the lady, and she said quite cheerfully: "Well, I won't hurt you, so don't be scared any more. I just wanted to see what the human eye was good for." "The human eye is a fearful weapon," remarked the Lion, scratching his nose softly with his paw to hide a smile. "Had I not known you were Dorothy's friends I might have torn you both into shreds in order to escape your terrible gaze." Aunt Em shuddered at hearing this, and Uncle Henry said hastily: "I'm glad you knew us. Good morning, Mr. Lion; we'll hope to see you again--by and by--some time in the future." "Good morning," replied the Lion, squatting down upon the lawn again. "You are likely to see a good deal of me, if you live in the Land of Oz." [Illustration] _How_ THE GRAND GALLIPOOT JOINED THE NOMES CHAPTER EIGHT [Illustration] After leaving the Whimsies, Guph continued on his journey and penetrated far into the Northwest. He wanted to get to the Country of the Growleywogs, and in order to do that he must cross the Ripple Land, which was a hard thing to do. For the Ripple Land was a succession of hills and valleys, all very steep and rocky, and they changed places constantly by rippling. While Guph was climbing a hill it sank down under him and became a valley, and while he was descending into a valley it rose up and carried him to the top of a hill. This was very perplexing to the traveler, and a stranger might have thought he could never cross the Ripple Land at all. But Guph knew that if he kept steadily on he would get to the end at last; so he paid no attention to the changing hills and valleys and plodded along as calmly as if walking upon the level ground. The result of this wise persistence was that the General finally reached firmer soil and, after penetrating a dense forest, came to the Dominion of the Growleywogs. No sooner had he crossed the border of this domain when two guards seized him and carried him before the Grand Gallipoot of the Growleywogs, who scowled upon him ferociously and asked him why he dared intrude upon his territory. "I'm the Lord High General of the Invincible Army of the Nomes, and my name is Guph," was the reply. "All the world trembles when that name is mentioned." The Growleywogs gave a shout of jeering laughter at this, and one of them caught the Nome in his strong arms and tossed him high into the air. Guph was considerably shaken when he fell upon the hard ground, but he appeared to take no notice of the impertinence and composed himself to speak again to the Grand Gallipoot. "My master, King Roquat the Red, has sent me here to confer with you. He wishes your assistance to conquer the Land of Oz." Here the General paused, and the Grand Gallipoot scowled upon him more terribly than ever and said: "Go on!" The voice of the Grand Gallipoot was partly a roar and partly a growl. He mumbled his words badly and Guph had to listen carefully in order to understand him. These Growleywogs were certainly remarkable creatures. They were of gigantic size, yet were all bone and skin and muscle, there being no meat or fat upon their bodies at all. Their powerful muscles lay just underneath their skins, like bunches of tough rope, and the weakest Growleywog was so strong that he could pick up an elephant and toss it seven miles away. It seems unfortunate that strong people are usually so disagreeable and overbearing that no one cares for them. In fact, to be different from your fellow creatures is always a misfortune. The Growleywogs knew that they were disliked and avoided by every one, so they had become surly and unsociable even among themselves. Guph knew that they hated all people, including the Nomes; but he hoped to win them over, nevertheless, and knew that if he succeeded they would afford him very powerful assistance. "The Land of Oz is ruled by a namby-pamby girl who is disgustingly kind and good," he continued. "Her people are all happy and contented and have no care or worries whatever." "Go on!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. [Illustration] "Once the Nome King enslaved the Royal Family of Ev--another goody-goody lot that we detest," said the General. "But Ozma interfered, although it was none of her business, and marched her army against us. With her was a Kansas girl named Dorothy, and a Yellow Hen, and they marched directly into the Nome King's cavern. There they liberated our slaves from Ev and stole King Roquat's Magic Belt, which they carried away with them. So now our King is making a tunnel under the deadly desert, so we can march through it to the Emerald City. When we get there we mean to conquer and destroy all the land and recapture the Magic Belt." Again he paused, and again the Grand Gallipoot growled: "Go on!" Guph tried to think what to say next, and a happy thought soon occurred to him. "We want you to help us in this conquest," he announced, "for we need the mighty aid of the Growleywogs in order to make sure that we shall not be defeated. You are the strongest people in all the world, and you hate good and happy creatures as much as we Nomes do. I am sure it will be a real pleasure to you to tear down the beautiful Emerald City, and in return for your valuable assistance we will allow you to bring back to your country ten thousand people of Oz, to be your slaves." "Twenty thousand!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. "All right, we promise you twenty thousand," agreed the General. The Gallipoot made a signal and at once his attendants picked up General Guph and carried him away to a prison, where the jailor amused himself by sticking pins in the round fat body of the old Nome, to see him jump and hear him yell. But while this was going on the Grand Gallipoot was talking with his counselors, who were the most important officials of the Growleywogs. When he had stated to them the proposition of the Nome King he said: "My advice is to offer to help them. Then, when we have conquered the Land of Oz, we will take not only our twenty thousand prisoners but all the gold and jewels we want." "Let us take the Magic Belt, too," suggested one counselor. "And rob the Nome King and make him our slave," said another. "That is a good idea," declared the Grand Gallipoot. "I'd like King Roquat for my own slave. He could black my boots and bring me my porridge every morning while I am in bed." "There is a famous Scarecrow in Oz. I'll take him for my slave," said a counselor. "I'll take Tiktok, the machine man," said another. "Give me the Tin Woodman," said a third. They went on for some time, dividing up the people and the treasure of Oz in advance of the conquest. For they had no doubt at all that they would be able to destroy Ozma's domain. Were they not the strongest people in all the world? "The deadly desert has kept us out of Oz before," remarked the Grand Gallipoot, "but now that the Nome King is building a tunnel we shall get into the Emerald City very easily. So let us send the little fat General back to his King with our promise to assist him. We will not say that we intend to conquer the Nomes after we have conquered Oz, but we will do so, just the same." This plan being agreed upon, they all went home to dinner, leaving General Guph still in prison. The Nome had no idea that he had succeeded in his mission, for finding himself in prison he feared the Growleywogs intended to put him to death. By this time the jailor had tired of sticking pins in the General, and was amusing himself by carefully pulling the Nome's whiskers out by the roots, one at a time. This enjoyment was interrupted by the Grand Gallipoot sending for the prisoner. "Wait a few hours," begged the jailor. "I haven't pulled out a quarter of his whiskers yet." "If you keep the Grand Gallipoot waiting he'll break your back," declared the messenger. "Perhaps you're right," sighed the jailor. "Take the prisoner away, if you will, but I advise you to kick him at every step he takes. It will be good fun, for he is as soft as a ripe peach." [Illustration] So Guph was led away to the royal castle, where the Grand Gallipoot told him that the Growleywogs had decided to assist the Nomes in conquering the Land of Oz. "Whenever you are ready," he added, "send me word and I will march with eighteen thousand of my most powerful warriors to your aid." Guph was so delighted that he forgot all the smarting caused by the pins and the pulling of whiskers. He did not even complain of the treatment he had received, but thanked the Grand Gallipoot and hurried away upon his journey. He had now secured the assistance of the Whimsies and the Growleywogs; but his success made him long for still more allies. His own life depended upon his conquering Oz, and he said to himself: "I'll take no chances. I'll be certain of success.

sing

How many times the word 'sing' appears in the text?

CHAPTER SIX [Illustration] The new General of the Nome King's army knew perfectly well that to fail in his plans meant death for him. Yet he was not at all anxious or worried. He hated every one who was good and longed to make all who were happy unhappy. Therefore he had accepted this dangerous position as General quite willingly, feeling sure in his evil mind that he would be able to do a lot of mischief and finally conquer the Land of Oz. Yet Guph determined to be careful, and to lay his plans well, so as not to fail. He argued that only careless people fail in what they attempt to do. The mountains underneath which the Nome King's extensive caverns were located lay grouped just north of the Land of Ev, which lay directly across the deadly desert to the east of the Land of Oz. As the mountains were also on the edge of the desert the Nome King found that he had only to tunnel underneath the desert to reach Ozma's dominions. He did not wish his armies to appear above ground in the Country of the Winkies, which was the part of the Land of Oz nearest to King Roquat's own country, as then the people would give the alarm and enable Ozma to fortify the Emerald City and assemble an army. He wanted to take all the Oz people by surprise; so he decided to run the tunnel clear through to the Emerald City, where he and his hosts could break through the ground without warning and conquer the people before they had time to defend themselves. Roquat the Red began work at once upon his tunnel, setting a thousand miners at the task and building it high and broad enough for his armies to march through it with ease. The Nomes were used to making tunnels, as all the kingdom in which they lived was under ground; so they made rapid progress. While this work was going on General Guph started out alone to visit the Chief of the Whimsies. These Whimsies were curious people who lived in a retired country of their own. They had large, strong bodies, but heads so small that they were no bigger than door-knobs. Of course, such tiny heads could not contain any great amount of brains, and the Whimsies were so ashamed of their personal appearance and lack of commonsense that they wore big heads, made of pasteboard, which they fastened over their own little heads. On these pasteboard heads they sewed sheep's wool for hair, and the wool was colored many tints--pink, green and lavender being the favorite colors. The faces of these false heads were painted in many ridiculous ways, according to the whims of the owners, and these big, burly creatures looked so whimsical and absurd in their queer masks that they were called "Whimsies." They foolishly imagined that no one would suspect the little heads that were inside the imitation ones, not knowing that it is folly to try to appear otherwise than as nature has made us. The Chief of the Whimsies had as little wisdom as the others, and had been chosen chief merely because none among them was any wiser or more capable of ruling. The Whimsies were evil spirits and could not be killed. They were hated and feared by every one and were known as terrible fighters because they were so strong and muscular and had not sense enough to know when they were defeated. General Guph thought the Whimsies would be a great help to the Nomes in the conquest of Oz, for under his leadership they could be induced to fight as long so they could stand up. So he traveled to their country and asked to see the Chief, who lived in a house that had a picture of his grotesque false head painted over the doorway. The Chief's false head had blue hair, a turned-up nose, and a mouth that stretched half across the face. Big green eyes had been painted upon it, but in the center of the chin were two small holes made in the pasteboard, so that the Chief could see through them with his own tiny eyes; for when the big head was fastened upon his shoulders the eyes in his own natural head were on a level with the false chin. Said General Guph to the Chief of the Whimsies: "We Nomes are going to conquer the Land of Oz and capture our King's Magic Belt, which the Oz people stole from him. Then we are going to plunder and destroy the whole country. And we want the Whimsies to help us." "Will there be any fighting?" asked the Chief. "Plenty," replied Guph. That must have pleased the Chief, for he got up and danced around the room three times. Then he seated himself again, adjusted his false head, and said: "We have no quarrel with Ozma of Oz." "But you Whimsies love to fight, and here is a splendid chance to do so," urged Guph. "Wait till I sing a song," said the Chief. Then he lay back in his chair and sang a foolish song that did not seem to the General to mean anything, although he listened carefully. When he had finished, the Chief Whimsie looked at him through the holes in his chin and asked: "What reward will you give us if we help you?" The General was prepared for this question, for he had been thinking the matter over on his journey. People often do a good deed without hope of reward, but for an evil deed they always demand payment. [Illustration] "When we get our Magic Belt," he made reply, "our King, Roquat the Red, will use its power to give every Whimsie a natural head as big and fine as the false head he now wears. Then you will no longer be ashamed because your big strong bodies have such teenty-weenty heads." "Oh! Will you do that?" asked the Chief, eagerly. "We surely will," promised the General. "I'll talk to my people," said the Chief. So he called a meeting of all the Whimsies and told them of the offer made by the Nomes. The creatures were delighted with the bargain, and at once agreed to fight for the Nome King and help him to conquer Oz. [Illustration] One Whimsie alone seemed to have a glimmer of sense, for he asked: "Suppose we fail to capture the Magic Belt? What will happen then, and what good will all our fighting do?" But they threw him into the river for asking foolish questions, and laughed when the water ruined his pasteboard head before he could swim out again. So the compact was made and General Guph was delighted with his success in gaining such powerful allies. But there were other people, too, just as important as the Whimsies, whom the clever old Nome had determined to win to his side. [Illustration] _How_ AUNT EM CONQUERED THE LION CHAPTER SEVEN [Illustration] "These are your rooms," said Dorothy, opening a door. Aunt Em drew back at sight of the splendid furniture and draperies. "Ain't there any place to wipe my feet?" she asked. "You will soon change your slippers for new shoes," replied Dorothy. "Don't be afraid, Aunt Em. Here is where you are to live, so walk right in and make yourself at home." Aunt Em advanced hesitatingly. "It beats the Topeka Hotel!" she cried, admiringly. "But this place is too grand for us, child. Can't we have some back room in the attic, that's more in our class?" "No," said Dorothy. "You've got to live here, 'cause Ozma says so. And all the rooms in this palace are just as fine as these, and some are better. It won't do any good to fuss, Aunt Em. You've got to be swell and high-toned in the Land of Oz, whether you want to or not; so you may as well make up your mind to it." "It's hard luck," replied her aunt, looking around with an awed expression; "but folks can get used to anything, if they try. Eh, Henry?" "Why, as to that," said Uncle Henry, slowly, "I b'lieve in takin' what's pervided us, an' askin' no questions. I've traveled some, Em, in my time, and you hain't; an' that makes a difference atween us." Then Dorothy showed them through the rooms. The first was a handsome sitting-room, with windows opening upon the rose gardens. Then came separate bedrooms for Aunt Em and Uncle Henry, with a fine bathroom between them. Aunt Em had a pretty dressing room, besides, and Dorothy opened the closets and showed several exquisite costumes that had been provided for her aunt by the royal dressmakers, who had worked all night to get them ready. Everything that Aunt Em could possibly need was in the drawers and closets, and her dressing-table was covered with engraved gold toilet articles. Uncle Henry had nine suits of clothes, cut in the popular Munchkin fashion, with knee-breeches, silk stockings and low shoes with jeweled buckles. The hats to match these costumes had pointed tops and wide brims with small gold bells around the edges. His shirts were of fine linen with frilled bosoms, and his vests were richly embroidered with colored silks. Uncle Henry decided that he would first take a bath and then dress himself in a blue satin suit that had caught his fancy. He accepted his good fortune with calm composure and refused to have a servant to assist him. But Aunt Em was "all of a flutter," as she said, and it took Dorothy and Jellia Jamb, the housekeeper, and two maids a long time to dress her and do up her hair and get her "rigged like a popinjay," as she quaintly expressed it. She wanted to stop and admire everything that caught her eye, and she sighed continually and declared that such finery was too good for an old country woman, and that she never thought she would have to "put on airs" at her time of life. Finally she was dressed, and when they went into the sitting-room there was Uncle Henry in his blue satin, walking gravely up and down the room. He had trimmed his beard and mustache and looked very dignified and respectable. "Tell me, Dorothy," he said; "do all the men here wear duds like these?" "Yes," she replied; "all 'cept the Scarecrow and the Shaggy Man--and of course the Tin Woodman and Tiktok, who are made of metal. You'll find all the men at Ozma's court dressed just as you are--only perhaps a little finer." "Henry, you look like a play-actor," announced Aunt Em, looking at her husband critically. "An' you, Em, look more highfalutin' than a peacock," he replied. "I guess you're right," she said, regretfully; "but we're helpless victims of high-toned royalty." Dorothy was much amused. [Illustration] "Come with me," she said, "and I'll show you 'round the palace." She took them through the beautiful rooms and introduced them to all the people they chanced to meet. Also she showed them her own pretty rooms, which were not far from their own. "So it's all true," said Aunt Em, wide-eyed with amazement, "and what Dorothy told us of this fairy country was plain facts instead of dreams! But where are all the strange creatures you used to know here?" "Yes; where's the Scarecrow?" inquired Uncle Henry. "Why, he's just now away on a visit to the Tin Woodman, who is Emp'ror of the Winkie Country," answered the little girl. "You'll see him when he comes back, and you're sure to like him." "And where's the Wonderful Wizard?" asked Aunt Em. "You'll see him at Ozma's luncheon, for he lives in this palace," was the reply. "And Jack Pumpkinhead?" "Oh, he lives a little way out of town, in his own pumpkin field. We'll go there some time and see him, and we'll call on Professor Wogglebug, too. The Shaggy Man will be at the luncheon, I guess, and Tiktok. And now I'll take you out to see Billina, who has a house of her own." So they went into the back yard, and after walking along winding paths some distance through the beautiful gardens they came to an attractive little house where the Yellow Hen sat on the front porch sunning herself. "Good morning, my dear Mistress," called Billina, fluttering down to meet them. "I was expecting you to call, for I heard you had come back and brought your uncle and aunt with you." "We're here for good and all, this time, Billina," cried Dorothy, joyfully. "Uncle Henry and Aunt Em belong in Oz now as much as I do!" "Then they are very lucky people," declared Billina; "for there couldn't be a nicer place to live. But come, my dear; I must show you all my Dorothys. Nine are living and have grown up to be very respectable hens; but one took cold at Ozma's birthday party and died of the pip, and the other two turned out to be horrid roosters, so I had to change their names from Dorothy to Daniel. They all had the letter 'D' engraved upon their gold lockets, you remember, with your picture inside, and 'D' stands for Daniel as well as for Dorothy." "Did you call both the roosters Daniel?" asked Uncle Henry. "Yes, indeed. I've nine Dorothys and two Daniels; and the nine Dorothys have eighty-six sons and daughters and over three hundred grandchildren," said Billina, proudly. "What names do you give 'em all, dear?" inquired the little girl. "Oh, they are all Dorothys and Daniels, some being Juniors and some Double-Juniors. Dorothy and Daniel are two good names, and I see no object in hunting for others," declared the Yellow Hen. "But just think, Dorothy, what a big chicken family we've grown to be, and our numbers increase nearly every day! Ozma doesn't know what to do with all the eggs we lay, and we are never eaten or harmed in any way, as chickens are in your country. They give us everything to make us contented and happy, and I, my dear, am the acknowledged Queen and Governor of every chicken in Oz, because I'm the eldest and started the whole colony." "You ought to be very proud, ma'am," said Uncle Henry, who was astonished to hear a hen talk so sensibly. "Oh, I am," she replied. "I've the loveliest pearl necklace you ever saw. Come in the house and I'll show it to you. And I've nine leg bracelets and a diamond pin for each wing. But I only wear them on state occasions." They followed the Yellow Hen into the house, which Aunt Em declared was neat as a pin. They could not sit down, because all Billina's chairs were roosting-poles made of silver; so they had to stand while the hen fussily showed them her treasures. Then they had to go into the back rooms occupied by Billina's nine Dorothys and two Daniels, who were all plump yellow chickens and greeted the visitors very politely. It was easy to see that they were well bred and that Billina had looked after their education. In the yards were all the children and grandchildren of these eleven elders and they were of all sizes, from well-grown hens to tiny chickens just out of the shell. About fifty fluffy yellow youngsters were at school, being taught good manners and good grammar by a young hen who wore spectacles. They sang in chorus a patriotic song of the Land of Oz, in honor of their visitors, and Aunt Em was much impressed by these talking chickens. Dorothy wanted to stay and play with the young chickens for awhile, but Uncle Henry and Aunt Em had not seen the palace grounds and gardens yet and were eager to get better acquainted with the marvelous and delightful land in which they were to live. "I'll stay here, and you can go for a walk," said Dorothy. "You'll be perfec'ly safe anywhere, and may do whatever you want to. When you get tired, go back to the palace and find your rooms, and I'll come to you before luncheon is ready." So Uncle Henry and Aunt Em started out alone to explore the grounds, and Dorothy knew that they couldn't get lost, because all the palace grounds were enclosed by a high wall of green marble set with emeralds. It was a rare treat to these simple folk, who had lived in the country all their lives and known little enjoyment of any sort, to wear beautiful clothes and live in a palace and be treated with respect and consideration by all around them. They were very happy indeed as they strolled up the shady walks and looked upon the gorgeous flowers and shrubs, feeling that their new home was more beautiful than any tongue could describe. Suddenly, as they turned a corner and walked through a gap in a high hedge, they came face to face with an enormous Lion, which crouched upon the green lawn and seemed surprised by their appearance. They stopped short, Uncle Henry trembling with horror and Aunt Em too terrified to scream. Next moment the poor woman clasped her husband around the neck and cried: "Save me, Henry, save me!" "Can't even save myself, Em," he returned, in a husky voice, "for the animile looks as if it could eat both of us, an' lick its chops for more! If I only had a gun--" "Haven't you, Henry? Haven't you?" she asked anxiously. "Nary gun, Em. So let's die as brave an' graceful as we can. I knew our luck couldn't last!" "I won't die. I won't be eaten by a lion!" wailed Aunt Em, glaring upon the huge beast. Then a thought struck her, and she whispered: "Henry, I've heard as savage beastses can be conquered by the human eye. I'll eye that lion out o' countenance an' save our lives." "Try it, Em," he returned, also in a whisper. "Look at him as you do at me when I'm late to dinner." Aunt Em turned upon the Lion a determined countenance and a wild dilated eye. She glared at the immense beast steadily, and the Lion, who had been quietly blinking at them, began to appear uneasy and disturbed. [Illustration] "Is anything the matter, ma'am?" he asked, in a mild voice. At this speech from the terrible beast Aunt Em and Uncle Henry both were startled, and then Uncle Henry remembered that this must be the Lion they had seen in Ozma's Throne Room. "Hold on, Em!" he exclaimed. "Quit the eagle eye conquest an' take courage. I guess this is the same Cowardly Lion Dorothy has told us about." "Oh, is it?" she asked, much relieved. "When he spoke, I got the idea; and when he looked so 'shamed like, I was sure of it," Uncle Henry continued. Aunt Em regarded the animal with new interest. "Are you the Cowardly Lion?" she inquired. "Are you Dorothy's friend?" "Yes'm," answered the Lion, meekly. "Dorothy and I are old chums and are very fond of each other. I'm the King of Beasts, you know, and the Hungry Tiger and I serve Princess Ozma as her body guards." "To be sure," said Aunt Em, nodding. "But the King of Beasts shouldn't be cowardly." "I've heard that said before," remarked the Lion, yawning till he showed his two great rows of sharp white teeth; "but that does not keep me from being frightened whenever I go into battle." "What do you do, run?" asked Uncle Henry. "No; that would be foolish, for the enemy would run after me," declared the Lion. "So I tremble with fear and pitch in as hard as I can; and so far I have always won my fight." "Ah, I begin to understand," said Uncle Henry. "Were you scared when I looked at you just now?" inquired Aunt Em. "Terribly scared, madam," answered the Lion, "for at first I thought you were going to have a fit. Then I noticed you were trying to overcome me by the power of your eye, and your glance was so fierce and penetrating that I shook with fear." This greatly pleased the lady, and she said quite cheerfully: "Well, I won't hurt you, so don't be scared any more. I just wanted to see what the human eye was good for." "The human eye is a fearful weapon," remarked the Lion, scratching his nose softly with his paw to hide a smile. "Had I not known you were Dorothy's friends I might have torn you both into shreds in order to escape your terrible gaze." Aunt Em shuddered at hearing this, and Uncle Henry said hastily: "I'm glad you knew us. Good morning, Mr. Lion; we'll hope to see you again--by and by--some time in the future." "Good morning," replied the Lion, squatting down upon the lawn again. "You are likely to see a good deal of me, if you live in the Land of Oz." [Illustration] _How_ THE GRAND GALLIPOOT JOINED THE NOMES CHAPTER EIGHT [Illustration] After leaving the Whimsies, Guph continued on his journey and penetrated far into the Northwest. He wanted to get to the Country of the Growleywogs, and in order to do that he must cross the Ripple Land, which was a hard thing to do. For the Ripple Land was a succession of hills and valleys, all very steep and rocky, and they changed places constantly by rippling. While Guph was climbing a hill it sank down under him and became a valley, and while he was descending into a valley it rose up and carried him to the top of a hill. This was very perplexing to the traveler, and a stranger might have thought he could never cross the Ripple Land at all. But Guph knew that if he kept steadily on he would get to the end at last; so he paid no attention to the changing hills and valleys and plodded along as calmly as if walking upon the level ground. The result of this wise persistence was that the General finally reached firmer soil and, after penetrating a dense forest, came to the Dominion of the Growleywogs. No sooner had he crossed the border of this domain when two guards seized him and carried him before the Grand Gallipoot of the Growleywogs, who scowled upon him ferociously and asked him why he dared intrude upon his territory. "I'm the Lord High General of the Invincible Army of the Nomes, and my name is Guph," was the reply. "All the world trembles when that name is mentioned." The Growleywogs gave a shout of jeering laughter at this, and one of them caught the Nome in his strong arms and tossed him high into the air. Guph was considerably shaken when he fell upon the hard ground, but he appeared to take no notice of the impertinence and composed himself to speak again to the Grand Gallipoot. "My master, King Roquat the Red, has sent me here to confer with you. He wishes your assistance to conquer the Land of Oz." Here the General paused, and the Grand Gallipoot scowled upon him more terribly than ever and said: "Go on!" The voice of the Grand Gallipoot was partly a roar and partly a growl. He mumbled his words badly and Guph had to listen carefully in order to understand him. These Growleywogs were certainly remarkable creatures. They were of gigantic size, yet were all bone and skin and muscle, there being no meat or fat upon their bodies at all. Their powerful muscles lay just underneath their skins, like bunches of tough rope, and the weakest Growleywog was so strong that he could pick up an elephant and toss it seven miles away. It seems unfortunate that strong people are usually so disagreeable and overbearing that no one cares for them. In fact, to be different from your fellow creatures is always a misfortune. The Growleywogs knew that they were disliked and avoided by every one, so they had become surly and unsociable even among themselves. Guph knew that they hated all people, including the Nomes; but he hoped to win them over, nevertheless, and knew that if he succeeded they would afford him very powerful assistance. "The Land of Oz is ruled by a namby-pamby girl who is disgustingly kind and good," he continued. "Her people are all happy and contented and have no care or worries whatever." "Go on!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. [Illustration] "Once the Nome King enslaved the Royal Family of Ev--another goody-goody lot that we detest," said the General. "But Ozma interfered, although it was none of her business, and marched her army against us. With her was a Kansas girl named Dorothy, and a Yellow Hen, and they marched directly into the Nome King's cavern. There they liberated our slaves from Ev and stole King Roquat's Magic Belt, which they carried away with them. So now our King is making a tunnel under the deadly desert, so we can march through it to the Emerald City. When we get there we mean to conquer and destroy all the land and recapture the Magic Belt." Again he paused, and again the Grand Gallipoot growled: "Go on!" Guph tried to think what to say next, and a happy thought soon occurred to him. "We want you to help us in this conquest," he announced, "for we need the mighty aid of the Growleywogs in order to make sure that we shall not be defeated. You are the strongest people in all the world, and you hate good and happy creatures as much as we Nomes do. I am sure it will be a real pleasure to you to tear down the beautiful Emerald City, and in return for your valuable assistance we will allow you to bring back to your country ten thousand people of Oz, to be your slaves." "Twenty thousand!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. "All right, we promise you twenty thousand," agreed the General. The Gallipoot made a signal and at once his attendants picked up General Guph and carried him away to a prison, where the jailor amused himself by sticking pins in the round fat body of the old Nome, to see him jump and hear him yell. But while this was going on the Grand Gallipoot was talking with his counselors, who were the most important officials of the Growleywogs. When he had stated to them the proposition of the Nome King he said: "My advice is to offer to help them. Then, when we have conquered the Land of Oz, we will take not only our twenty thousand prisoners but all the gold and jewels we want." "Let us take the Magic Belt, too," suggested one counselor. "And rob the Nome King and make him our slave," said another. "That is a good idea," declared the Grand Gallipoot. "I'd like King Roquat for my own slave. He could black my boots and bring me my porridge every morning while I am in bed." "There is a famous Scarecrow in Oz. I'll take him for my slave," said a counselor. "I'll take Tiktok, the machine man," said another. "Give me the Tin Woodman," said a third. They went on for some time, dividing up the people and the treasure of Oz in advance of the conquest. For they had no doubt at all that they would be able to destroy Ozma's domain. Were they not the strongest people in all the world? "The deadly desert has kept us out of Oz before," remarked the Grand Gallipoot, "but now that the Nome King is building a tunnel we shall get into the Emerald City very easily. So let us send the little fat General back to his King with our promise to assist him. We will not say that we intend to conquer the Nomes after we have conquered Oz, but we will do so, just the same." This plan being agreed upon, they all went home to dinner, leaving General Guph still in prison. The Nome had no idea that he had succeeded in his mission, for finding himself in prison he feared the Growleywogs intended to put him to death. By this time the jailor had tired of sticking pins in the General, and was amusing himself by carefully pulling the Nome's whiskers out by the roots, one at a time. This enjoyment was interrupted by the Grand Gallipoot sending for the prisoner. "Wait a few hours," begged the jailor. "I haven't pulled out a quarter of his whiskers yet." "If you keep the Grand Gallipoot waiting he'll break your back," declared the messenger. "Perhaps you're right," sighed the jailor. "Take the prisoner away, if you will, but I advise you to kick him at every step he takes. It will be good fun, for he is as soft as a ripe peach." [Illustration] So Guph was led away to the royal castle, where the Grand Gallipoot told him that the Growleywogs had decided to assist the Nomes in conquering the Land of Oz. "Whenever you are ready," he added, "send me word and I will march with eighteen thousand of my most powerful warriors to your aid." Guph was so delighted that he forgot all the smarting caused by the pins and the pulling of whiskers. He did not even complain of the treatment he had received, but thanked the Grand Gallipoot and hurried away upon his journey. He had now secured the assistance of the Whimsies and the Growleywogs; but his success made him long for still more allies. His own life depended upon his conquering Oz, and he said to himself: "I'll take no chances. I'll be certain of success.

sitting

How many times the word 'sitting' appears in the text?

CHAPTER SIX [Illustration] The new General of the Nome King's army knew perfectly well that to fail in his plans meant death for him. Yet he was not at all anxious or worried. He hated every one who was good and longed to make all who were happy unhappy. Therefore he had accepted this dangerous position as General quite willingly, feeling sure in his evil mind that he would be able to do a lot of mischief and finally conquer the Land of Oz. Yet Guph determined to be careful, and to lay his plans well, so as not to fail. He argued that only careless people fail in what they attempt to do. The mountains underneath which the Nome King's extensive caverns were located lay grouped just north of the Land of Ev, which lay directly across the deadly desert to the east of the Land of Oz. As the mountains were also on the edge of the desert the Nome King found that he had only to tunnel underneath the desert to reach Ozma's dominions. He did not wish his armies to appear above ground in the Country of the Winkies, which was the part of the Land of Oz nearest to King Roquat's own country, as then the people would give the alarm and enable Ozma to fortify the Emerald City and assemble an army. He wanted to take all the Oz people by surprise; so he decided to run the tunnel clear through to the Emerald City, where he and his hosts could break through the ground without warning and conquer the people before they had time to defend themselves. Roquat the Red began work at once upon his tunnel, setting a thousand miners at the task and building it high and broad enough for his armies to march through it with ease. The Nomes were used to making tunnels, as all the kingdom in which they lived was under ground; so they made rapid progress. While this work was going on General Guph started out alone to visit the Chief of the Whimsies. These Whimsies were curious people who lived in a retired country of their own. They had large, strong bodies, but heads so small that they were no bigger than door-knobs. Of course, such tiny heads could not contain any great amount of brains, and the Whimsies were so ashamed of their personal appearance and lack of commonsense that they wore big heads, made of pasteboard, which they fastened over their own little heads. On these pasteboard heads they sewed sheep's wool for hair, and the wool was colored many tints--pink, green and lavender being the favorite colors. The faces of these false heads were painted in many ridiculous ways, according to the whims of the owners, and these big, burly creatures looked so whimsical and absurd in their queer masks that they were called "Whimsies." They foolishly imagined that no one would suspect the little heads that were inside the imitation ones, not knowing that it is folly to try to appear otherwise than as nature has made us. The Chief of the Whimsies had as little wisdom as the others, and had been chosen chief merely because none among them was any wiser or more capable of ruling. The Whimsies were evil spirits and could not be killed. They were hated and feared by every one and were known as terrible fighters because they were so strong and muscular and had not sense enough to know when they were defeated. General Guph thought the Whimsies would be a great help to the Nomes in the conquest of Oz, for under his leadership they could be induced to fight as long so they could stand up. So he traveled to their country and asked to see the Chief, who lived in a house that had a picture of his grotesque false head painted over the doorway. The Chief's false head had blue hair, a turned-up nose, and a mouth that stretched half across the face. Big green eyes had been painted upon it, but in the center of the chin were two small holes made in the pasteboard, so that the Chief could see through them with his own tiny eyes; for when the big head was fastened upon his shoulders the eyes in his own natural head were on a level with the false chin. Said General Guph to the Chief of the Whimsies: "We Nomes are going to conquer the Land of Oz and capture our King's Magic Belt, which the Oz people stole from him. Then we are going to plunder and destroy the whole country. And we want the Whimsies to help us." "Will there be any fighting?" asked the Chief. "Plenty," replied Guph. That must have pleased the Chief, for he got up and danced around the room three times. Then he seated himself again, adjusted his false head, and said: "We have no quarrel with Ozma of Oz." "But you Whimsies love to fight, and here is a splendid chance to do so," urged Guph. "Wait till I sing a song," said the Chief. Then he lay back in his chair and sang a foolish song that did not seem to the General to mean anything, although he listened carefully. When he had finished, the Chief Whimsie looked at him through the holes in his chin and asked: "What reward will you give us if we help you?" The General was prepared for this question, for he had been thinking the matter over on his journey. People often do a good deed without hope of reward, but for an evil deed they always demand payment. [Illustration] "When we get our Magic Belt," he made reply, "our King, Roquat the Red, will use its power to give every Whimsie a natural head as big and fine as the false head he now wears. Then you will no longer be ashamed because your big strong bodies have such teenty-weenty heads." "Oh! Will you do that?" asked the Chief, eagerly. "We surely will," promised the General. "I'll talk to my people," said the Chief. So he called a meeting of all the Whimsies and told them of the offer made by the Nomes. The creatures were delighted with the bargain, and at once agreed to fight for the Nome King and help him to conquer Oz. [Illustration] One Whimsie alone seemed to have a glimmer of sense, for he asked: "Suppose we fail to capture the Magic Belt? What will happen then, and what good will all our fighting do?" But they threw him into the river for asking foolish questions, and laughed when the water ruined his pasteboard head before he could swim out again. So the compact was made and General Guph was delighted with his success in gaining such powerful allies. But there were other people, too, just as important as the Whimsies, whom the clever old Nome had determined to win to his side. [Illustration] _How_ AUNT EM CONQUERED THE LION CHAPTER SEVEN [Illustration] "These are your rooms," said Dorothy, opening a door. Aunt Em drew back at sight of the splendid furniture and draperies. "Ain't there any place to wipe my feet?" she asked. "You will soon change your slippers for new shoes," replied Dorothy. "Don't be afraid, Aunt Em. Here is where you are to live, so walk right in and make yourself at home." Aunt Em advanced hesitatingly. "It beats the Topeka Hotel!" she cried, admiringly. "But this place is too grand for us, child. Can't we have some back room in the attic, that's more in our class?" "No," said Dorothy. "You've got to live here, 'cause Ozma says so. And all the rooms in this palace are just as fine as these, and some are better. It won't do any good to fuss, Aunt Em. You've got to be swell and high-toned in the Land of Oz, whether you want to or not; so you may as well make up your mind to it." "It's hard luck," replied her aunt, looking around with an awed expression; "but folks can get used to anything, if they try. Eh, Henry?" "Why, as to that," said Uncle Henry, slowly, "I b'lieve in takin' what's pervided us, an' askin' no questions. I've traveled some, Em, in my time, and you hain't; an' that makes a difference atween us." Then Dorothy showed them through the rooms. The first was a handsome sitting-room, with windows opening upon the rose gardens. Then came separate bedrooms for Aunt Em and Uncle Henry, with a fine bathroom between them. Aunt Em had a pretty dressing room, besides, and Dorothy opened the closets and showed several exquisite costumes that had been provided for her aunt by the royal dressmakers, who had worked all night to get them ready. Everything that Aunt Em could possibly need was in the drawers and closets, and her dressing-table was covered with engraved gold toilet articles. Uncle Henry had nine suits of clothes, cut in the popular Munchkin fashion, with knee-breeches, silk stockings and low shoes with jeweled buckles. The hats to match these costumes had pointed tops and wide brims with small gold bells around the edges. His shirts were of fine linen with frilled bosoms, and his vests were richly embroidered with colored silks. Uncle Henry decided that he would first take a bath and then dress himself in a blue satin suit that had caught his fancy. He accepted his good fortune with calm composure and refused to have a servant to assist him. But Aunt Em was "all of a flutter," as she said, and it took Dorothy and Jellia Jamb, the housekeeper, and two maids a long time to dress her and do up her hair and get her "rigged like a popinjay," as she quaintly expressed it. She wanted to stop and admire everything that caught her eye, and she sighed continually and declared that such finery was too good for an old country woman, and that she never thought she would have to "put on airs" at her time of life. Finally she was dressed, and when they went into the sitting-room there was Uncle Henry in his blue satin, walking gravely up and down the room. He had trimmed his beard and mustache and looked very dignified and respectable. "Tell me, Dorothy," he said; "do all the men here wear duds like these?" "Yes," she replied; "all 'cept the Scarecrow and the Shaggy Man--and of course the Tin Woodman and Tiktok, who are made of metal. You'll find all the men at Ozma's court dressed just as you are--only perhaps a little finer." "Henry, you look like a play-actor," announced Aunt Em, looking at her husband critically. "An' you, Em, look more highfalutin' than a peacock," he replied. "I guess you're right," she said, regretfully; "but we're helpless victims of high-toned royalty." Dorothy was much amused. [Illustration] "Come with me," she said, "and I'll show you 'round the palace." She took them through the beautiful rooms and introduced them to all the people they chanced to meet. Also she showed them her own pretty rooms, which were not far from their own. "So it's all true," said Aunt Em, wide-eyed with amazement, "and what Dorothy told us of this fairy country was plain facts instead of dreams! But where are all the strange creatures you used to know here?" "Yes; where's the Scarecrow?" inquired Uncle Henry. "Why, he's just now away on a visit to the Tin Woodman, who is Emp'ror of the Winkie Country," answered the little girl. "You'll see him when he comes back, and you're sure to like him." "And where's the Wonderful Wizard?" asked Aunt Em. "You'll see him at Ozma's luncheon, for he lives in this palace," was the reply. "And Jack Pumpkinhead?" "Oh, he lives a little way out of town, in his own pumpkin field. We'll go there some time and see him, and we'll call on Professor Wogglebug, too. The Shaggy Man will be at the luncheon, I guess, and Tiktok. And now I'll take you out to see Billina, who has a house of her own." So they went into the back yard, and after walking along winding paths some distance through the beautiful gardens they came to an attractive little house where the Yellow Hen sat on the front porch sunning herself. "Good morning, my dear Mistress," called Billina, fluttering down to meet them. "I was expecting you to call, for I heard you had come back and brought your uncle and aunt with you." "We're here for good and all, this time, Billina," cried Dorothy, joyfully. "Uncle Henry and Aunt Em belong in Oz now as much as I do!" "Then they are very lucky people," declared Billina; "for there couldn't be a nicer place to live. But come, my dear; I must show you all my Dorothys. Nine are living and have grown up to be very respectable hens; but one took cold at Ozma's birthday party and died of the pip, and the other two turned out to be horrid roosters, so I had to change their names from Dorothy to Daniel. They all had the letter 'D' engraved upon their gold lockets, you remember, with your picture inside, and 'D' stands for Daniel as well as for Dorothy." "Did you call both the roosters Daniel?" asked Uncle Henry. "Yes, indeed. I've nine Dorothys and two Daniels; and the nine Dorothys have eighty-six sons and daughters and over three hundred grandchildren," said Billina, proudly. "What names do you give 'em all, dear?" inquired the little girl. "Oh, they are all Dorothys and Daniels, some being Juniors and some Double-Juniors. Dorothy and Daniel are two good names, and I see no object in hunting for others," declared the Yellow Hen. "But just think, Dorothy, what a big chicken family we've grown to be, and our numbers increase nearly every day! Ozma doesn't know what to do with all the eggs we lay, and we are never eaten or harmed in any way, as chickens are in your country. They give us everything to make us contented and happy, and I, my dear, am the acknowledged Queen and Governor of every chicken in Oz, because I'm the eldest and started the whole colony." "You ought to be very proud, ma'am," said Uncle Henry, who was astonished to hear a hen talk so sensibly. "Oh, I am," she replied. "I've the loveliest pearl necklace you ever saw. Come in the house and I'll show it to you. And I've nine leg bracelets and a diamond pin for each wing. But I only wear them on state occasions." They followed the Yellow Hen into the house, which Aunt Em declared was neat as a pin. They could not sit down, because all Billina's chairs were roosting-poles made of silver; so they had to stand while the hen fussily showed them her treasures. Then they had to go into the back rooms occupied by Billina's nine Dorothys and two Daniels, who were all plump yellow chickens and greeted the visitors very politely. It was easy to see that they were well bred and that Billina had looked after their education. In the yards were all the children and grandchildren of these eleven elders and they were of all sizes, from well-grown hens to tiny chickens just out of the shell. About fifty fluffy yellow youngsters were at school, being taught good manners and good grammar by a young hen who wore spectacles. They sang in chorus a patriotic song of the Land of Oz, in honor of their visitors, and Aunt Em was much impressed by these talking chickens. Dorothy wanted to stay and play with the young chickens for awhile, but Uncle Henry and Aunt Em had not seen the palace grounds and gardens yet and were eager to get better acquainted with the marvelous and delightful land in which they were to live. "I'll stay here, and you can go for a walk," said Dorothy. "You'll be perfec'ly safe anywhere, and may do whatever you want to. When you get tired, go back to the palace and find your rooms, and I'll come to you before luncheon is ready." So Uncle Henry and Aunt Em started out alone to explore the grounds, and Dorothy knew that they couldn't get lost, because all the palace grounds were enclosed by a high wall of green marble set with emeralds. It was a rare treat to these simple folk, who had lived in the country all their lives and known little enjoyment of any sort, to wear beautiful clothes and live in a palace and be treated with respect and consideration by all around them. They were very happy indeed as they strolled up the shady walks and looked upon the gorgeous flowers and shrubs, feeling that their new home was more beautiful than any tongue could describe. Suddenly, as they turned a corner and walked through a gap in a high hedge, they came face to face with an enormous Lion, which crouched upon the green lawn and seemed surprised by their appearance. They stopped short, Uncle Henry trembling with horror and Aunt Em too terrified to scream. Next moment the poor woman clasped her husband around the neck and cried: "Save me, Henry, save me!" "Can't even save myself, Em," he returned, in a husky voice, "for the animile looks as if it could eat both of us, an' lick its chops for more! If I only had a gun--" "Haven't you, Henry? Haven't you?" she asked anxiously. "Nary gun, Em. So let's die as brave an' graceful as we can. I knew our luck couldn't last!" "I won't die. I won't be eaten by a lion!" wailed Aunt Em, glaring upon the huge beast. Then a thought struck her, and she whispered: "Henry, I've heard as savage beastses can be conquered by the human eye. I'll eye that lion out o' countenance an' save our lives." "Try it, Em," he returned, also in a whisper. "Look at him as you do at me when I'm late to dinner." Aunt Em turned upon the Lion a determined countenance and a wild dilated eye. She glared at the immense beast steadily, and the Lion, who had been quietly blinking at them, began to appear uneasy and disturbed. [Illustration] "Is anything the matter, ma'am?" he asked, in a mild voice. At this speech from the terrible beast Aunt Em and Uncle Henry both were startled, and then Uncle Henry remembered that this must be the Lion they had seen in Ozma's Throne Room. "Hold on, Em!" he exclaimed. "Quit the eagle eye conquest an' take courage. I guess this is the same Cowardly Lion Dorothy has told us about." "Oh, is it?" she asked, much relieved. "When he spoke, I got the idea; and when he looked so 'shamed like, I was sure of it," Uncle Henry continued. Aunt Em regarded the animal with new interest. "Are you the Cowardly Lion?" she inquired. "Are you Dorothy's friend?" "Yes'm," answered the Lion, meekly. "Dorothy and I are old chums and are very fond of each other. I'm the King of Beasts, you know, and the Hungry Tiger and I serve Princess Ozma as her body guards." "To be sure," said Aunt Em, nodding. "But the King of Beasts shouldn't be cowardly." "I've heard that said before," remarked the Lion, yawning till he showed his two great rows of sharp white teeth; "but that does not keep me from being frightened whenever I go into battle." "What do you do, run?" asked Uncle Henry. "No; that would be foolish, for the enemy would run after me," declared the Lion. "So I tremble with fear and pitch in as hard as I can; and so far I have always won my fight." "Ah, I begin to understand," said Uncle Henry. "Were you scared when I looked at you just now?" inquired Aunt Em. "Terribly scared, madam," answered the Lion, "for at first I thought you were going to have a fit. Then I noticed you were trying to overcome me by the power of your eye, and your glance was so fierce and penetrating that I shook with fear." This greatly pleased the lady, and she said quite cheerfully: "Well, I won't hurt you, so don't be scared any more. I just wanted to see what the human eye was good for." "The human eye is a fearful weapon," remarked the Lion, scratching his nose softly with his paw to hide a smile. "Had I not known you were Dorothy's friends I might have torn you both into shreds in order to escape your terrible gaze." Aunt Em shuddered at hearing this, and Uncle Henry said hastily: "I'm glad you knew us. Good morning, Mr. Lion; we'll hope to see you again--by and by--some time in the future." "Good morning," replied the Lion, squatting down upon the lawn again. "You are likely to see a good deal of me, if you live in the Land of Oz." [Illustration] _How_ THE GRAND GALLIPOOT JOINED THE NOMES CHAPTER EIGHT [Illustration] After leaving the Whimsies, Guph continued on his journey and penetrated far into the Northwest. He wanted to get to the Country of the Growleywogs, and in order to do that he must cross the Ripple Land, which was a hard thing to do. For the Ripple Land was a succession of hills and valleys, all very steep and rocky, and they changed places constantly by rippling. While Guph was climbing a hill it sank down under him and became a valley, and while he was descending into a valley it rose up and carried him to the top of a hill. This was very perplexing to the traveler, and a stranger might have thought he could never cross the Ripple Land at all. But Guph knew that if he kept steadily on he would get to the end at last; so he paid no attention to the changing hills and valleys and plodded along as calmly as if walking upon the level ground. The result of this wise persistence was that the General finally reached firmer soil and, after penetrating a dense forest, came to the Dominion of the Growleywogs. No sooner had he crossed the border of this domain when two guards seized him and carried him before the Grand Gallipoot of the Growleywogs, who scowled upon him ferociously and asked him why he dared intrude upon his territory. "I'm the Lord High General of the Invincible Army of the Nomes, and my name is Guph," was the reply. "All the world trembles when that name is mentioned." The Growleywogs gave a shout of jeering laughter at this, and one of them caught the Nome in his strong arms and tossed him high into the air. Guph was considerably shaken when he fell upon the hard ground, but he appeared to take no notice of the impertinence and composed himself to speak again to the Grand Gallipoot. "My master, King Roquat the Red, has sent me here to confer with you. He wishes your assistance to conquer the Land of Oz." Here the General paused, and the Grand Gallipoot scowled upon him more terribly than ever and said: "Go on!" The voice of the Grand Gallipoot was partly a roar and partly a growl. He mumbled his words badly and Guph had to listen carefully in order to understand him. These Growleywogs were certainly remarkable creatures. They were of gigantic size, yet were all bone and skin and muscle, there being no meat or fat upon their bodies at all. Their powerful muscles lay just underneath their skins, like bunches of tough rope, and the weakest Growleywog was so strong that he could pick up an elephant and toss it seven miles away. It seems unfortunate that strong people are usually so disagreeable and overbearing that no one cares for them. In fact, to be different from your fellow creatures is always a misfortune. The Growleywogs knew that they were disliked and avoided by every one, so they had become surly and unsociable even among themselves. Guph knew that they hated all people, including the Nomes; but he hoped to win them over, nevertheless, and knew that if he succeeded they would afford him very powerful assistance. "The Land of Oz is ruled by a namby-pamby girl who is disgustingly kind and good," he continued. "Her people are all happy and contented and have no care or worries whatever." "Go on!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. [Illustration] "Once the Nome King enslaved the Royal Family of Ev--another goody-goody lot that we detest," said the General. "But Ozma interfered, although it was none of her business, and marched her army against us. With her was a Kansas girl named Dorothy, and a Yellow Hen, and they marched directly into the Nome King's cavern. There they liberated our slaves from Ev and stole King Roquat's Magic Belt, which they carried away with them. So now our King is making a tunnel under the deadly desert, so we can march through it to the Emerald City. When we get there we mean to conquer and destroy all the land and recapture the Magic Belt." Again he paused, and again the Grand Gallipoot growled: "Go on!" Guph tried to think what to say next, and a happy thought soon occurred to him. "We want you to help us in this conquest," he announced, "for we need the mighty aid of the Growleywogs in order to make sure that we shall not be defeated. You are the strongest people in all the world, and you hate good and happy creatures as much as we Nomes do. I am sure it will be a real pleasure to you to tear down the beautiful Emerald City, and in return for your valuable assistance we will allow you to bring back to your country ten thousand people of Oz, to be your slaves." "Twenty thousand!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. "All right, we promise you twenty thousand," agreed the General. The Gallipoot made a signal and at once his attendants picked up General Guph and carried him away to a prison, where the jailor amused himself by sticking pins in the round fat body of the old Nome, to see him jump and hear him yell. But while this was going on the Grand Gallipoot was talking with his counselors, who were the most important officials of the Growleywogs. When he had stated to them the proposition of the Nome King he said: "My advice is to offer to help them. Then, when we have conquered the Land of Oz, we will take not only our twenty thousand prisoners but all the gold and jewels we want." "Let us take the Magic Belt, too," suggested one counselor. "And rob the Nome King and make him our slave," said another. "That is a good idea," declared the Grand Gallipoot. "I'd like King Roquat for my own slave. He could black my boots and bring me my porridge every morning while I am in bed." "There is a famous Scarecrow in Oz. I'll take him for my slave," said a counselor. "I'll take Tiktok, the machine man," said another. "Give me the Tin Woodman," said a third. They went on for some time, dividing up the people and the treasure of Oz in advance of the conquest. For they had no doubt at all that they would be able to destroy Ozma's domain. Were they not the strongest people in all the world? "The deadly desert has kept us out of Oz before," remarked the Grand Gallipoot, "but now that the Nome King is building a tunnel we shall get into the Emerald City very easily. So let us send the little fat General back to his King with our promise to assist him. We will not say that we intend to conquer the Nomes after we have conquered Oz, but we will do so, just the same." This plan being agreed upon, they all went home to dinner, leaving General Guph still in prison. The Nome had no idea that he had succeeded in his mission, for finding himself in prison he feared the Growleywogs intended to put him to death. By this time the jailor had tired of sticking pins in the General, and was amusing himself by carefully pulling the Nome's whiskers out by the roots, one at a time. This enjoyment was interrupted by the Grand Gallipoot sending for the prisoner. "Wait a few hours," begged the jailor. "I haven't pulled out a quarter of his whiskers yet." "If you keep the Grand Gallipoot waiting he'll break your back," declared the messenger. "Perhaps you're right," sighed the jailor. "Take the prisoner away, if you will, but I advise you to kick him at every step he takes. It will be good fun, for he is as soft as a ripe peach." [Illustration] So Guph was led away to the royal castle, where the Grand Gallipoot told him that the Growleywogs had decided to assist the Nomes in conquering the Land of Oz. "Whenever you are ready," he added, "send me word and I will march with eighteen thousand of my most powerful warriors to your aid." Guph was so delighted that he forgot all the smarting caused by the pins and the pulling of whiskers. He did not even complain of the treatment he had received, but thanked the Grand Gallipoot and hurried away upon his journey. He had now secured the assistance of the Whimsies and the Growleywogs; but his success made him long for still more allies. His own life depended upon his conquering Oz, and he said to himself: "I'll take no chances. I'll be certain of success.

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How many times the word 'place' appears in the text?

CHAPTER SIX [Illustration] The new General of the Nome King's army knew perfectly well that to fail in his plans meant death for him. Yet he was not at all anxious or worried. He hated every one who was good and longed to make all who were happy unhappy. Therefore he had accepted this dangerous position as General quite willingly, feeling sure in his evil mind that he would be able to do a lot of mischief and finally conquer the Land of Oz. Yet Guph determined to be careful, and to lay his plans well, so as not to fail. He argued that only careless people fail in what they attempt to do. The mountains underneath which the Nome King's extensive caverns were located lay grouped just north of the Land of Ev, which lay directly across the deadly desert to the east of the Land of Oz. As the mountains were also on the edge of the desert the Nome King found that he had only to tunnel underneath the desert to reach Ozma's dominions. He did not wish his armies to appear above ground in the Country of the Winkies, which was the part of the Land of Oz nearest to King Roquat's own country, as then the people would give the alarm and enable Ozma to fortify the Emerald City and assemble an army. He wanted to take all the Oz people by surprise; so he decided to run the tunnel clear through to the Emerald City, where he and his hosts could break through the ground without warning and conquer the people before they had time to defend themselves. Roquat the Red began work at once upon his tunnel, setting a thousand miners at the task and building it high and broad enough for his armies to march through it with ease. The Nomes were used to making tunnels, as all the kingdom in which they lived was under ground; so they made rapid progress. While this work was going on General Guph started out alone to visit the Chief of the Whimsies. These Whimsies were curious people who lived in a retired country of their own. They had large, strong bodies, but heads so small that they were no bigger than door-knobs. Of course, such tiny heads could not contain any great amount of brains, and the Whimsies were so ashamed of their personal appearance and lack of commonsense that they wore big heads, made of pasteboard, which they fastened over their own little heads. On these pasteboard heads they sewed sheep's wool for hair, and the wool was colored many tints--pink, green and lavender being the favorite colors. The faces of these false heads were painted in many ridiculous ways, according to the whims of the owners, and these big, burly creatures looked so whimsical and absurd in their queer masks that they were called "Whimsies." They foolishly imagined that no one would suspect the little heads that were inside the imitation ones, not knowing that it is folly to try to appear otherwise than as nature has made us. The Chief of the Whimsies had as little wisdom as the others, and had been chosen chief merely because none among them was any wiser or more capable of ruling. The Whimsies were evil spirits and could not be killed. They were hated and feared by every one and were known as terrible fighters because they were so strong and muscular and had not sense enough to know when they were defeated. General Guph thought the Whimsies would be a great help to the Nomes in the conquest of Oz, for under his leadership they could be induced to fight as long so they could stand up. So he traveled to their country and asked to see the Chief, who lived in a house that had a picture of his grotesque false head painted over the doorway. The Chief's false head had blue hair, a turned-up nose, and a mouth that stretched half across the face. Big green eyes had been painted upon it, but in the center of the chin were two small holes made in the pasteboard, so that the Chief could see through them with his own tiny eyes; for when the big head was fastened upon his shoulders the eyes in his own natural head were on a level with the false chin. Said General Guph to the Chief of the Whimsies: "We Nomes are going to conquer the Land of Oz and capture our King's Magic Belt, which the Oz people stole from him. Then we are going to plunder and destroy the whole country. And we want the Whimsies to help us." "Will there be any fighting?" asked the Chief. "Plenty," replied Guph. That must have pleased the Chief, for he got up and danced around the room three times. Then he seated himself again, adjusted his false head, and said: "We have no quarrel with Ozma of Oz." "But you Whimsies love to fight, and here is a splendid chance to do so," urged Guph. "Wait till I sing a song," said the Chief. Then he lay back in his chair and sang a foolish song that did not seem to the General to mean anything, although he listened carefully. When he had finished, the Chief Whimsie looked at him through the holes in his chin and asked: "What reward will you give us if we help you?" The General was prepared for this question, for he had been thinking the matter over on his journey. People often do a good deed without hope of reward, but for an evil deed they always demand payment. [Illustration] "When we get our Magic Belt," he made reply, "our King, Roquat the Red, will use its power to give every Whimsie a natural head as big and fine as the false head he now wears. Then you will no longer be ashamed because your big strong bodies have such teenty-weenty heads." "Oh! Will you do that?" asked the Chief, eagerly. "We surely will," promised the General. "I'll talk to my people," said the Chief. So he called a meeting of all the Whimsies and told them of the offer made by the Nomes. The creatures were delighted with the bargain, and at once agreed to fight for the Nome King and help him to conquer Oz. [Illustration] One Whimsie alone seemed to have a glimmer of sense, for he asked: "Suppose we fail to capture the Magic Belt? What will happen then, and what good will all our fighting do?" But they threw him into the river for asking foolish questions, and laughed when the water ruined his pasteboard head before he could swim out again. So the compact was made and General Guph was delighted with his success in gaining such powerful allies. But there were other people, too, just as important as the Whimsies, whom the clever old Nome had determined to win to his side. [Illustration] _How_ AUNT EM CONQUERED THE LION CHAPTER SEVEN [Illustration] "These are your rooms," said Dorothy, opening a door. Aunt Em drew back at sight of the splendid furniture and draperies. "Ain't there any place to wipe my feet?" she asked. "You will soon change your slippers for new shoes," replied Dorothy. "Don't be afraid, Aunt Em. Here is where you are to live, so walk right in and make yourself at home." Aunt Em advanced hesitatingly. "It beats the Topeka Hotel!" she cried, admiringly. "But this place is too grand for us, child. Can't we have some back room in the attic, that's more in our class?" "No," said Dorothy. "You've got to live here, 'cause Ozma says so. And all the rooms in this palace are just as fine as these, and some are better. It won't do any good to fuss, Aunt Em. You've got to be swell and high-toned in the Land of Oz, whether you want to or not; so you may as well make up your mind to it." "It's hard luck," replied her aunt, looking around with an awed expression; "but folks can get used to anything, if they try. Eh, Henry?" "Why, as to that," said Uncle Henry, slowly, "I b'lieve in takin' what's pervided us, an' askin' no questions. I've traveled some, Em, in my time, and you hain't; an' that makes a difference atween us." Then Dorothy showed them through the rooms. The first was a handsome sitting-room, with windows opening upon the rose gardens. Then came separate bedrooms for Aunt Em and Uncle Henry, with a fine bathroom between them. Aunt Em had a pretty dressing room, besides, and Dorothy opened the closets and showed several exquisite costumes that had been provided for her aunt by the royal dressmakers, who had worked all night to get them ready. Everything that Aunt Em could possibly need was in the drawers and closets, and her dressing-table was covered with engraved gold toilet articles. Uncle Henry had nine suits of clothes, cut in the popular Munchkin fashion, with knee-breeches, silk stockings and low shoes with jeweled buckles. The hats to match these costumes had pointed tops and wide brims with small gold bells around the edges. His shirts were of fine linen with frilled bosoms, and his vests were richly embroidered with colored silks. Uncle Henry decided that he would first take a bath and then dress himself in a blue satin suit that had caught his fancy. He accepted his good fortune with calm composure and refused to have a servant to assist him. But Aunt Em was "all of a flutter," as she said, and it took Dorothy and Jellia Jamb, the housekeeper, and two maids a long time to dress her and do up her hair and get her "rigged like a popinjay," as she quaintly expressed it. She wanted to stop and admire everything that caught her eye, and she sighed continually and declared that such finery was too good for an old country woman, and that she never thought she would have to "put on airs" at her time of life. Finally she was dressed, and when they went into the sitting-room there was Uncle Henry in his blue satin, walking gravely up and down the room. He had trimmed his beard and mustache and looked very dignified and respectable. "Tell me, Dorothy," he said; "do all the men here wear duds like these?" "Yes," she replied; "all 'cept the Scarecrow and the Shaggy Man--and of course the Tin Woodman and Tiktok, who are made of metal. You'll find all the men at Ozma's court dressed just as you are--only perhaps a little finer." "Henry, you look like a play-actor," announced Aunt Em, looking at her husband critically. "An' you, Em, look more highfalutin' than a peacock," he replied. "I guess you're right," she said, regretfully; "but we're helpless victims of high-toned royalty." Dorothy was much amused. [Illustration] "Come with me," she said, "and I'll show you 'round the palace." She took them through the beautiful rooms and introduced them to all the people they chanced to meet. Also she showed them her own pretty rooms, which were not far from their own. "So it's all true," said Aunt Em, wide-eyed with amazement, "and what Dorothy told us of this fairy country was plain facts instead of dreams! But where are all the strange creatures you used to know here?" "Yes; where's the Scarecrow?" inquired Uncle Henry. "Why, he's just now away on a visit to the Tin Woodman, who is Emp'ror of the Winkie Country," answered the little girl. "You'll see him when he comes back, and you're sure to like him." "And where's the Wonderful Wizard?" asked Aunt Em. "You'll see him at Ozma's luncheon, for he lives in this palace," was the reply. "And Jack Pumpkinhead?" "Oh, he lives a little way out of town, in his own pumpkin field. We'll go there some time and see him, and we'll call on Professor Wogglebug, too. The Shaggy Man will be at the luncheon, I guess, and Tiktok. And now I'll take you out to see Billina, who has a house of her own." So they went into the back yard, and after walking along winding paths some distance through the beautiful gardens they came to an attractive little house where the Yellow Hen sat on the front porch sunning herself. "Good morning, my dear Mistress," called Billina, fluttering down to meet them. "I was expecting you to call, for I heard you had come back and brought your uncle and aunt with you." "We're here for good and all, this time, Billina," cried Dorothy, joyfully. "Uncle Henry and Aunt Em belong in Oz now as much as I do!" "Then they are very lucky people," declared Billina; "for there couldn't be a nicer place to live. But come, my dear; I must show you all my Dorothys. Nine are living and have grown up to be very respectable hens; but one took cold at Ozma's birthday party and died of the pip, and the other two turned out to be horrid roosters, so I had to change their names from Dorothy to Daniel. They all had the letter 'D' engraved upon their gold lockets, you remember, with your picture inside, and 'D' stands for Daniel as well as for Dorothy." "Did you call both the roosters Daniel?" asked Uncle Henry. "Yes, indeed. I've nine Dorothys and two Daniels; and the nine Dorothys have eighty-six sons and daughters and over three hundred grandchildren," said Billina, proudly. "What names do you give 'em all, dear?" inquired the little girl. "Oh, they are all Dorothys and Daniels, some being Juniors and some Double-Juniors. Dorothy and Daniel are two good names, and I see no object in hunting for others," declared the Yellow Hen. "But just think, Dorothy, what a big chicken family we've grown to be, and our numbers increase nearly every day! Ozma doesn't know what to do with all the eggs we lay, and we are never eaten or harmed in any way, as chickens are in your country. They give us everything to make us contented and happy, and I, my dear, am the acknowledged Queen and Governor of every chicken in Oz, because I'm the eldest and started the whole colony." "You ought to be very proud, ma'am," said Uncle Henry, who was astonished to hear a hen talk so sensibly. "Oh, I am," she replied. "I've the loveliest pearl necklace you ever saw. Come in the house and I'll show it to you. And I've nine leg bracelets and a diamond pin for each wing. But I only wear them on state occasions." They followed the Yellow Hen into the house, which Aunt Em declared was neat as a pin. They could not sit down, because all Billina's chairs were roosting-poles made of silver; so they had to stand while the hen fussily showed them her treasures. Then they had to go into the back rooms occupied by Billina's nine Dorothys and two Daniels, who were all plump yellow chickens and greeted the visitors very politely. It was easy to see that they were well bred and that Billina had looked after their education. In the yards were all the children and grandchildren of these eleven elders and they were of all sizes, from well-grown hens to tiny chickens just out of the shell. About fifty fluffy yellow youngsters were at school, being taught good manners and good grammar by a young hen who wore spectacles. They sang in chorus a patriotic song of the Land of Oz, in honor of their visitors, and Aunt Em was much impressed by these talking chickens. Dorothy wanted to stay and play with the young chickens for awhile, but Uncle Henry and Aunt Em had not seen the palace grounds and gardens yet and were eager to get better acquainted with the marvelous and delightful land in which they were to live. "I'll stay here, and you can go for a walk," said Dorothy. "You'll be perfec'ly safe anywhere, and may do whatever you want to. When you get tired, go back to the palace and find your rooms, and I'll come to you before luncheon is ready." So Uncle Henry and Aunt Em started out alone to explore the grounds, and Dorothy knew that they couldn't get lost, because all the palace grounds were enclosed by a high wall of green marble set with emeralds. It was a rare treat to these simple folk, who had lived in the country all their lives and known little enjoyment of any sort, to wear beautiful clothes and live in a palace and be treated with respect and consideration by all around them. They were very happy indeed as they strolled up the shady walks and looked upon the gorgeous flowers and shrubs, feeling that their new home was more beautiful than any tongue could describe. Suddenly, as they turned a corner and walked through a gap in a high hedge, they came face to face with an enormous Lion, which crouched upon the green lawn and seemed surprised by their appearance. They stopped short, Uncle Henry trembling with horror and Aunt Em too terrified to scream. Next moment the poor woman clasped her husband around the neck and cried: "Save me, Henry, save me!" "Can't even save myself, Em," he returned, in a husky voice, "for the animile looks as if it could eat both of us, an' lick its chops for more! If I only had a gun--" "Haven't you, Henry? Haven't you?" she asked anxiously. "Nary gun, Em. So let's die as brave an' graceful as we can. I knew our luck couldn't last!" "I won't die. I won't be eaten by a lion!" wailed Aunt Em, glaring upon the huge beast. Then a thought struck her, and she whispered: "Henry, I've heard as savage beastses can be conquered by the human eye. I'll eye that lion out o' countenance an' save our lives." "Try it, Em," he returned, also in a whisper. "Look at him as you do at me when I'm late to dinner." Aunt Em turned upon the Lion a determined countenance and a wild dilated eye. She glared at the immense beast steadily, and the Lion, who had been quietly blinking at them, began to appear uneasy and disturbed. [Illustration] "Is anything the matter, ma'am?" he asked, in a mild voice. At this speech from the terrible beast Aunt Em and Uncle Henry both were startled, and then Uncle Henry remembered that this must be the Lion they had seen in Ozma's Throne Room. "Hold on, Em!" he exclaimed. "Quit the eagle eye conquest an' take courage. I guess this is the same Cowardly Lion Dorothy has told us about." "Oh, is it?" she asked, much relieved. "When he spoke, I got the idea; and when he looked so 'shamed like, I was sure of it," Uncle Henry continued. Aunt Em regarded the animal with new interest. "Are you the Cowardly Lion?" she inquired. "Are you Dorothy's friend?" "Yes'm," answered the Lion, meekly. "Dorothy and I are old chums and are very fond of each other. I'm the King of Beasts, you know, and the Hungry Tiger and I serve Princess Ozma as her body guards." "To be sure," said Aunt Em, nodding. "But the King of Beasts shouldn't be cowardly." "I've heard that said before," remarked the Lion, yawning till he showed his two great rows of sharp white teeth; "but that does not keep me from being frightened whenever I go into battle." "What do you do, run?" asked Uncle Henry. "No; that would be foolish, for the enemy would run after me," declared the Lion. "So I tremble with fear and pitch in as hard as I can; and so far I have always won my fight." "Ah, I begin to understand," said Uncle Henry. "Were you scared when I looked at you just now?" inquired Aunt Em. "Terribly scared, madam," answered the Lion, "for at first I thought you were going to have a fit. Then I noticed you were trying to overcome me by the power of your eye, and your glance was so fierce and penetrating that I shook with fear." This greatly pleased the lady, and she said quite cheerfully: "Well, I won't hurt you, so don't be scared any more. I just wanted to see what the human eye was good for." "The human eye is a fearful weapon," remarked the Lion, scratching his nose softly with his paw to hide a smile. "Had I not known you were Dorothy's friends I might have torn you both into shreds in order to escape your terrible gaze." Aunt Em shuddered at hearing this, and Uncle Henry said hastily: "I'm glad you knew us. Good morning, Mr. Lion; we'll hope to see you again--by and by--some time in the future." "Good morning," replied the Lion, squatting down upon the lawn again. "You are likely to see a good deal of me, if you live in the Land of Oz." [Illustration] _How_ THE GRAND GALLIPOOT JOINED THE NOMES CHAPTER EIGHT [Illustration] After leaving the Whimsies, Guph continued on his journey and penetrated far into the Northwest. He wanted to get to the Country of the Growleywogs, and in order to do that he must cross the Ripple Land, which was a hard thing to do. For the Ripple Land was a succession of hills and valleys, all very steep and rocky, and they changed places constantly by rippling. While Guph was climbing a hill it sank down under him and became a valley, and while he was descending into a valley it rose up and carried him to the top of a hill. This was very perplexing to the traveler, and a stranger might have thought he could never cross the Ripple Land at all. But Guph knew that if he kept steadily on he would get to the end at last; so he paid no attention to the changing hills and valleys and plodded along as calmly as if walking upon the level ground. The result of this wise persistence was that the General finally reached firmer soil and, after penetrating a dense forest, came to the Dominion of the Growleywogs. No sooner had he crossed the border of this domain when two guards seized him and carried him before the Grand Gallipoot of the Growleywogs, who scowled upon him ferociously and asked him why he dared intrude upon his territory. "I'm the Lord High General of the Invincible Army of the Nomes, and my name is Guph," was the reply. "All the world trembles when that name is mentioned." The Growleywogs gave a shout of jeering laughter at this, and one of them caught the Nome in his strong arms and tossed him high into the air. Guph was considerably shaken when he fell upon the hard ground, but he appeared to take no notice of the impertinence and composed himself to speak again to the Grand Gallipoot. "My master, King Roquat the Red, has sent me here to confer with you. He wishes your assistance to conquer the Land of Oz." Here the General paused, and the Grand Gallipoot scowled upon him more terribly than ever and said: "Go on!" The voice of the Grand Gallipoot was partly a roar and partly a growl. He mumbled his words badly and Guph had to listen carefully in order to understand him. These Growleywogs were certainly remarkable creatures. They were of gigantic size, yet were all bone and skin and muscle, there being no meat or fat upon their bodies at all. Their powerful muscles lay just underneath their skins, like bunches of tough rope, and the weakest Growleywog was so strong that he could pick up an elephant and toss it seven miles away. It seems unfortunate that strong people are usually so disagreeable and overbearing that no one cares for them. In fact, to be different from your fellow creatures is always a misfortune. The Growleywogs knew that they were disliked and avoided by every one, so they had become surly and unsociable even among themselves. Guph knew that they hated all people, including the Nomes; but he hoped to win them over, nevertheless, and knew that if he succeeded they would afford him very powerful assistance. "The Land of Oz is ruled by a namby-pamby girl who is disgustingly kind and good," he continued. "Her people are all happy and contented and have no care or worries whatever." "Go on!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. [Illustration] "Once the Nome King enslaved the Royal Family of Ev--another goody-goody lot that we detest," said the General. "But Ozma interfered, although it was none of her business, and marched her army against us. With her was a Kansas girl named Dorothy, and a Yellow Hen, and they marched directly into the Nome King's cavern. There they liberated our slaves from Ev and stole King Roquat's Magic Belt, which they carried away with them. So now our King is making a tunnel under the deadly desert, so we can march through it to the Emerald City. When we get there we mean to conquer and destroy all the land and recapture the Magic Belt." Again he paused, and again the Grand Gallipoot growled: "Go on!" Guph tried to think what to say next, and a happy thought soon occurred to him. "We want you to help us in this conquest," he announced, "for we need the mighty aid of the Growleywogs in order to make sure that we shall not be defeated. You are the strongest people in all the world, and you hate good and happy creatures as much as we Nomes do. I am sure it will be a real pleasure to you to tear down the beautiful Emerald City, and in return for your valuable assistance we will allow you to bring back to your country ten thousand people of Oz, to be your slaves." "Twenty thousand!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. "All right, we promise you twenty thousand," agreed the General. The Gallipoot made a signal and at once his attendants picked up General Guph and carried him away to a prison, where the jailor amused himself by sticking pins in the round fat body of the old Nome, to see him jump and hear him yell. But while this was going on the Grand Gallipoot was talking with his counselors, who were the most important officials of the Growleywogs. When he had stated to them the proposition of the Nome King he said: "My advice is to offer to help them. Then, when we have conquered the Land of Oz, we will take not only our twenty thousand prisoners but all the gold and jewels we want." "Let us take the Magic Belt, too," suggested one counselor. "And rob the Nome King and make him our slave," said another. "That is a good idea," declared the Grand Gallipoot. "I'd like King Roquat for my own slave. He could black my boots and bring me my porridge every morning while I am in bed." "There is a famous Scarecrow in Oz. I'll take him for my slave," said a counselor. "I'll take Tiktok, the machine man," said another. "Give me the Tin Woodman," said a third. They went on for some time, dividing up the people and the treasure of Oz in advance of the conquest. For they had no doubt at all that they would be able to destroy Ozma's domain. Were they not the strongest people in all the world? "The deadly desert has kept us out of Oz before," remarked the Grand Gallipoot, "but now that the Nome King is building a tunnel we shall get into the Emerald City very easily. So let us send the little fat General back to his King with our promise to assist him. We will not say that we intend to conquer the Nomes after we have conquered Oz, but we will do so, just the same." This plan being agreed upon, they all went home to dinner, leaving General Guph still in prison. The Nome had no idea that he had succeeded in his mission, for finding himself in prison he feared the Growleywogs intended to put him to death. By this time the jailor had tired of sticking pins in the General, and was amusing himself by carefully pulling the Nome's whiskers out by the roots, one at a time. This enjoyment was interrupted by the Grand Gallipoot sending for the prisoner. "Wait a few hours," begged the jailor. "I haven't pulled out a quarter of his whiskers yet." "If you keep the Grand Gallipoot waiting he'll break your back," declared the messenger. "Perhaps you're right," sighed the jailor. "Take the prisoner away, if you will, but I advise you to kick him at every step he takes. It will be good fun, for he is as soft as a ripe peach." [Illustration] So Guph was led away to the royal castle, where the Grand Gallipoot told him that the Growleywogs had decided to assist the Nomes in conquering the Land of Oz. "Whenever you are ready," he added, "send me word and I will march with eighteen thousand of my most powerful warriors to your aid." Guph was so delighted that he forgot all the smarting caused by the pins and the pulling of whiskers. He did not even complain of the treatment he had received, but thanked the Grand Gallipoot and hurried away upon his journey. He had now secured the assistance of the Whimsies and the Growleywogs; but his success made him long for still more allies. His own life depended upon his conquering Oz, and he said to himself: "I'll take no chances. I'll be certain of success.

there

How many times the word 'there' appears in the text?

CHAPTER SIX [Illustration] The new General of the Nome King's army knew perfectly well that to fail in his plans meant death for him. Yet he was not at all anxious or worried. He hated every one who was good and longed to make all who were happy unhappy. Therefore he had accepted this dangerous position as General quite willingly, feeling sure in his evil mind that he would be able to do a lot of mischief and finally conquer the Land of Oz. Yet Guph determined to be careful, and to lay his plans well, so as not to fail. He argued that only careless people fail in what they attempt to do. The mountains underneath which the Nome King's extensive caverns were located lay grouped just north of the Land of Ev, which lay directly across the deadly desert to the east of the Land of Oz. As the mountains were also on the edge of the desert the Nome King found that he had only to tunnel underneath the desert to reach Ozma's dominions. He did not wish his armies to appear above ground in the Country of the Winkies, which was the part of the Land of Oz nearest to King Roquat's own country, as then the people would give the alarm and enable Ozma to fortify the Emerald City and assemble an army. He wanted to take all the Oz people by surprise; so he decided to run the tunnel clear through to the Emerald City, where he and his hosts could break through the ground without warning and conquer the people before they had time to defend themselves. Roquat the Red began work at once upon his tunnel, setting a thousand miners at the task and building it high and broad enough for his armies to march through it with ease. The Nomes were used to making tunnels, as all the kingdom in which they lived was under ground; so they made rapid progress. While this work was going on General Guph started out alone to visit the Chief of the Whimsies. These Whimsies were curious people who lived in a retired country of their own. They had large, strong bodies, but heads so small that they were no bigger than door-knobs. Of course, such tiny heads could not contain any great amount of brains, and the Whimsies were so ashamed of their personal appearance and lack of commonsense that they wore big heads, made of pasteboard, which they fastened over their own little heads. On these pasteboard heads they sewed sheep's wool for hair, and the wool was colored many tints--pink, green and lavender being the favorite colors. The faces of these false heads were painted in many ridiculous ways, according to the whims of the owners, and these big, burly creatures looked so whimsical and absurd in their queer masks that they were called "Whimsies." They foolishly imagined that no one would suspect the little heads that were inside the imitation ones, not knowing that it is folly to try to appear otherwise than as nature has made us. The Chief of the Whimsies had as little wisdom as the others, and had been chosen chief merely because none among them was any wiser or more capable of ruling. The Whimsies were evil spirits and could not be killed. They were hated and feared by every one and were known as terrible fighters because they were so strong and muscular and had not sense enough to know when they were defeated. General Guph thought the Whimsies would be a great help to the Nomes in the conquest of Oz, for under his leadership they could be induced to fight as long so they could stand up. So he traveled to their country and asked to see the Chief, who lived in a house that had a picture of his grotesque false head painted over the doorway. The Chief's false head had blue hair, a turned-up nose, and a mouth that stretched half across the face. Big green eyes had been painted upon it, but in the center of the chin were two small holes made in the pasteboard, so that the Chief could see through them with his own tiny eyes; for when the big head was fastened upon his shoulders the eyes in his own natural head were on a level with the false chin. Said General Guph to the Chief of the Whimsies: "We Nomes are going to conquer the Land of Oz and capture our King's Magic Belt, which the Oz people stole from him. Then we are going to plunder and destroy the whole country. And we want the Whimsies to help us." "Will there be any fighting?" asked the Chief. "Plenty," replied Guph. That must have pleased the Chief, for he got up and danced around the room three times. Then he seated himself again, adjusted his false head, and said: "We have no quarrel with Ozma of Oz." "But you Whimsies love to fight, and here is a splendid chance to do so," urged Guph. "Wait till I sing a song," said the Chief. Then he lay back in his chair and sang a foolish song that did not seem to the General to mean anything, although he listened carefully. When he had finished, the Chief Whimsie looked at him through the holes in his chin and asked: "What reward will you give us if we help you?" The General was prepared for this question, for he had been thinking the matter over on his journey. People often do a good deed without hope of reward, but for an evil deed they always demand payment. [Illustration] "When we get our Magic Belt," he made reply, "our King, Roquat the Red, will use its power to give every Whimsie a natural head as big and fine as the false head he now wears. Then you will no longer be ashamed because your big strong bodies have such teenty-weenty heads." "Oh! Will you do that?" asked the Chief, eagerly. "We surely will," promised the General. "I'll talk to my people," said the Chief. So he called a meeting of all the Whimsies and told them of the offer made by the Nomes. The creatures were delighted with the bargain, and at once agreed to fight for the Nome King and help him to conquer Oz. [Illustration] One Whimsie alone seemed to have a glimmer of sense, for he asked: "Suppose we fail to capture the Magic Belt? What will happen then, and what good will all our fighting do?" But they threw him into the river for asking foolish questions, and laughed when the water ruined his pasteboard head before he could swim out again. So the compact was made and General Guph was delighted with his success in gaining such powerful allies. But there were other people, too, just as important as the Whimsies, whom the clever old Nome had determined to win to his side. [Illustration] _How_ AUNT EM CONQUERED THE LION CHAPTER SEVEN [Illustration] "These are your rooms," said Dorothy, opening a door. Aunt Em drew back at sight of the splendid furniture and draperies. "Ain't there any place to wipe my feet?" she asked. "You will soon change your slippers for new shoes," replied Dorothy. "Don't be afraid, Aunt Em. Here is where you are to live, so walk right in and make yourself at home." Aunt Em advanced hesitatingly. "It beats the Topeka Hotel!" she cried, admiringly. "But this place is too grand for us, child. Can't we have some back room in the attic, that's more in our class?" "No," said Dorothy. "You've got to live here, 'cause Ozma says so. And all the rooms in this palace are just as fine as these, and some are better. It won't do any good to fuss, Aunt Em. You've got to be swell and high-toned in the Land of Oz, whether you want to or not; so you may as well make up your mind to it." "It's hard luck," replied her aunt, looking around with an awed expression; "but folks can get used to anything, if they try. Eh, Henry?" "Why, as to that," said Uncle Henry, slowly, "I b'lieve in takin' what's pervided us, an' askin' no questions. I've traveled some, Em, in my time, and you hain't; an' that makes a difference atween us." Then Dorothy showed them through the rooms. The first was a handsome sitting-room, with windows opening upon the rose gardens. Then came separate bedrooms for Aunt Em and Uncle Henry, with a fine bathroom between them. Aunt Em had a pretty dressing room, besides, and Dorothy opened the closets and showed several exquisite costumes that had been provided for her aunt by the royal dressmakers, who had worked all night to get them ready. Everything that Aunt Em could possibly need was in the drawers and closets, and her dressing-table was covered with engraved gold toilet articles. Uncle Henry had nine suits of clothes, cut in the popular Munchkin fashion, with knee-breeches, silk stockings and low shoes with jeweled buckles. The hats to match these costumes had pointed tops and wide brims with small gold bells around the edges. His shirts were of fine linen with frilled bosoms, and his vests were richly embroidered with colored silks. Uncle Henry decided that he would first take a bath and then dress himself in a blue satin suit that had caught his fancy. He accepted his good fortune with calm composure and refused to have a servant to assist him. But Aunt Em was "all of a flutter," as she said, and it took Dorothy and Jellia Jamb, the housekeeper, and two maids a long time to dress her and do up her hair and get her "rigged like a popinjay," as she quaintly expressed it. She wanted to stop and admire everything that caught her eye, and she sighed continually and declared that such finery was too good for an old country woman, and that she never thought she would have to "put on airs" at her time of life. Finally she was dressed, and when they went into the sitting-room there was Uncle Henry in his blue satin, walking gravely up and down the room. He had trimmed his beard and mustache and looked very dignified and respectable. "Tell me, Dorothy," he said; "do all the men here wear duds like these?" "Yes," she replied; "all 'cept the Scarecrow and the Shaggy Man--and of course the Tin Woodman and Tiktok, who are made of metal. You'll find all the men at Ozma's court dressed just as you are--only perhaps a little finer." "Henry, you look like a play-actor," announced Aunt Em, looking at her husband critically. "An' you, Em, look more highfalutin' than a peacock," he replied. "I guess you're right," she said, regretfully; "but we're helpless victims of high-toned royalty." Dorothy was much amused. [Illustration] "Come with me," she said, "and I'll show you 'round the palace." She took them through the beautiful rooms and introduced them to all the people they chanced to meet. Also she showed them her own pretty rooms, which were not far from their own. "So it's all true," said Aunt Em, wide-eyed with amazement, "and what Dorothy told us of this fairy country was plain facts instead of dreams! But where are all the strange creatures you used to know here?" "Yes; where's the Scarecrow?" inquired Uncle Henry. "Why, he's just now away on a visit to the Tin Woodman, who is Emp'ror of the Winkie Country," answered the little girl. "You'll see him when he comes back, and you're sure to like him." "And where's the Wonderful Wizard?" asked Aunt Em. "You'll see him at Ozma's luncheon, for he lives in this palace," was the reply. "And Jack Pumpkinhead?" "Oh, he lives a little way out of town, in his own pumpkin field. We'll go there some time and see him, and we'll call on Professor Wogglebug, too. The Shaggy Man will be at the luncheon, I guess, and Tiktok. And now I'll take you out to see Billina, who has a house of her own." So they went into the back yard, and after walking along winding paths some distance through the beautiful gardens they came to an attractive little house where the Yellow Hen sat on the front porch sunning herself. "Good morning, my dear Mistress," called Billina, fluttering down to meet them. "I was expecting you to call, for I heard you had come back and brought your uncle and aunt with you." "We're here for good and all, this time, Billina," cried Dorothy, joyfully. "Uncle Henry and Aunt Em belong in Oz now as much as I do!" "Then they are very lucky people," declared Billina; "for there couldn't be a nicer place to live. But come, my dear; I must show you all my Dorothys. Nine are living and have grown up to be very respectable hens; but one took cold at Ozma's birthday party and died of the pip, and the other two turned out to be horrid roosters, so I had to change their names from Dorothy to Daniel. They all had the letter 'D' engraved upon their gold lockets, you remember, with your picture inside, and 'D' stands for Daniel as well as for Dorothy." "Did you call both the roosters Daniel?" asked Uncle Henry. "Yes, indeed. I've nine Dorothys and two Daniels; and the nine Dorothys have eighty-six sons and daughters and over three hundred grandchildren," said Billina, proudly. "What names do you give 'em all, dear?" inquired the little girl. "Oh, they are all Dorothys and Daniels, some being Juniors and some Double-Juniors. Dorothy and Daniel are two good names, and I see no object in hunting for others," declared the Yellow Hen. "But just think, Dorothy, what a big chicken family we've grown to be, and our numbers increase nearly every day! Ozma doesn't know what to do with all the eggs we lay, and we are never eaten or harmed in any way, as chickens are in your country. They give us everything to make us contented and happy, and I, my dear, am the acknowledged Queen and Governor of every chicken in Oz, because I'm the eldest and started the whole colony." "You ought to be very proud, ma'am," said Uncle Henry, who was astonished to hear a hen talk so sensibly. "Oh, I am," she replied. "I've the loveliest pearl necklace you ever saw. Come in the house and I'll show it to you. And I've nine leg bracelets and a diamond pin for each wing. But I only wear them on state occasions." They followed the Yellow Hen into the house, which Aunt Em declared was neat as a pin. They could not sit down, because all Billina's chairs were roosting-poles made of silver; so they had to stand while the hen fussily showed them her treasures. Then they had to go into the back rooms occupied by Billina's nine Dorothys and two Daniels, who were all plump yellow chickens and greeted the visitors very politely. It was easy to see that they were well bred and that Billina had looked after their education. In the yards were all the children and grandchildren of these eleven elders and they were of all sizes, from well-grown hens to tiny chickens just out of the shell. About fifty fluffy yellow youngsters were at school, being taught good manners and good grammar by a young hen who wore spectacles. They sang in chorus a patriotic song of the Land of Oz, in honor of their visitors, and Aunt Em was much impressed by these talking chickens. Dorothy wanted to stay and play with the young chickens for awhile, but Uncle Henry and Aunt Em had not seen the palace grounds and gardens yet and were eager to get better acquainted with the marvelous and delightful land in which they were to live. "I'll stay here, and you can go for a walk," said Dorothy. "You'll be perfec'ly safe anywhere, and may do whatever you want to. When you get tired, go back to the palace and find your rooms, and I'll come to you before luncheon is ready." So Uncle Henry and Aunt Em started out alone to explore the grounds, and Dorothy knew that they couldn't get lost, because all the palace grounds were enclosed by a high wall of green marble set with emeralds. It was a rare treat to these simple folk, who had lived in the country all their lives and known little enjoyment of any sort, to wear beautiful clothes and live in a palace and be treated with respect and consideration by all around them. They were very happy indeed as they strolled up the shady walks and looked upon the gorgeous flowers and shrubs, feeling that their new home was more beautiful than any tongue could describe. Suddenly, as they turned a corner and walked through a gap in a high hedge, they came face to face with an enormous Lion, which crouched upon the green lawn and seemed surprised by their appearance. They stopped short, Uncle Henry trembling with horror and Aunt Em too terrified to scream. Next moment the poor woman clasped her husband around the neck and cried: "Save me, Henry, save me!" "Can't even save myself, Em," he returned, in a husky voice, "for the animile looks as if it could eat both of us, an' lick its chops for more! If I only had a gun--" "Haven't you, Henry? Haven't you?" she asked anxiously. "Nary gun, Em. So let's die as brave an' graceful as we can. I knew our luck couldn't last!" "I won't die. I won't be eaten by a lion!" wailed Aunt Em, glaring upon the huge beast. Then a thought struck her, and she whispered: "Henry, I've heard as savage beastses can be conquered by the human eye. I'll eye that lion out o' countenance an' save our lives." "Try it, Em," he returned, also in a whisper. "Look at him as you do at me when I'm late to dinner." Aunt Em turned upon the Lion a determined countenance and a wild dilated eye. She glared at the immense beast steadily, and the Lion, who had been quietly blinking at them, began to appear uneasy and disturbed. [Illustration] "Is anything the matter, ma'am?" he asked, in a mild voice. At this speech from the terrible beast Aunt Em and Uncle Henry both were startled, and then Uncle Henry remembered that this must be the Lion they had seen in Ozma's Throne Room. "Hold on, Em!" he exclaimed. "Quit the eagle eye conquest an' take courage. I guess this is the same Cowardly Lion Dorothy has told us about." "Oh, is it?" she asked, much relieved. "When he spoke, I got the idea; and when he looked so 'shamed like, I was sure of it," Uncle Henry continued. Aunt Em regarded the animal with new interest. "Are you the Cowardly Lion?" she inquired. "Are you Dorothy's friend?" "Yes'm," answered the Lion, meekly. "Dorothy and I are old chums and are very fond of each other. I'm the King of Beasts, you know, and the Hungry Tiger and I serve Princess Ozma as her body guards." "To be sure," said Aunt Em, nodding. "But the King of Beasts shouldn't be cowardly." "I've heard that said before," remarked the Lion, yawning till he showed his two great rows of sharp white teeth; "but that does not keep me from being frightened whenever I go into battle." "What do you do, run?" asked Uncle Henry. "No; that would be foolish, for the enemy would run after me," declared the Lion. "So I tremble with fear and pitch in as hard as I can; and so far I have always won my fight." "Ah, I begin to understand," said Uncle Henry. "Were you scared when I looked at you just now?" inquired Aunt Em. "Terribly scared, madam," answered the Lion, "for at first I thought you were going to have a fit. Then I noticed you were trying to overcome me by the power of your eye, and your glance was so fierce and penetrating that I shook with fear." This greatly pleased the lady, and she said quite cheerfully: "Well, I won't hurt you, so don't be scared any more. I just wanted to see what the human eye was good for." "The human eye is a fearful weapon," remarked the Lion, scratching his nose softly with his paw to hide a smile. "Had I not known you were Dorothy's friends I might have torn you both into shreds in order to escape your terrible gaze." Aunt Em shuddered at hearing this, and Uncle Henry said hastily: "I'm glad you knew us. Good morning, Mr. Lion; we'll hope to see you again--by and by--some time in the future." "Good morning," replied the Lion, squatting down upon the lawn again. "You are likely to see a good deal of me, if you live in the Land of Oz." [Illustration] _How_ THE GRAND GALLIPOOT JOINED THE NOMES CHAPTER EIGHT [Illustration] After leaving the Whimsies, Guph continued on his journey and penetrated far into the Northwest. He wanted to get to the Country of the Growleywogs, and in order to do that he must cross the Ripple Land, which was a hard thing to do. For the Ripple Land was a succession of hills and valleys, all very steep and rocky, and they changed places constantly by rippling. While Guph was climbing a hill it sank down under him and became a valley, and while he was descending into a valley it rose up and carried him to the top of a hill. This was very perplexing to the traveler, and a stranger might have thought he could never cross the Ripple Land at all. But Guph knew that if he kept steadily on he would get to the end at last; so he paid no attention to the changing hills and valleys and plodded along as calmly as if walking upon the level ground. The result of this wise persistence was that the General finally reached firmer soil and, after penetrating a dense forest, came to the Dominion of the Growleywogs. No sooner had he crossed the border of this domain when two guards seized him and carried him before the Grand Gallipoot of the Growleywogs, who scowled upon him ferociously and asked him why he dared intrude upon his territory. "I'm the Lord High General of the Invincible Army of the Nomes, and my name is Guph," was the reply. "All the world trembles when that name is mentioned." The Growleywogs gave a shout of jeering laughter at this, and one of them caught the Nome in his strong arms and tossed him high into the air. Guph was considerably shaken when he fell upon the hard ground, but he appeared to take no notice of the impertinence and composed himself to speak again to the Grand Gallipoot. "My master, King Roquat the Red, has sent me here to confer with you. He wishes your assistance to conquer the Land of Oz." Here the General paused, and the Grand Gallipoot scowled upon him more terribly than ever and said: "Go on!" The voice of the Grand Gallipoot was partly a roar and partly a growl. He mumbled his words badly and Guph had to listen carefully in order to understand him. These Growleywogs were certainly remarkable creatures. They were of gigantic size, yet were all bone and skin and muscle, there being no meat or fat upon their bodies at all. Their powerful muscles lay just underneath their skins, like bunches of tough rope, and the weakest Growleywog was so strong that he could pick up an elephant and toss it seven miles away. It seems unfortunate that strong people are usually so disagreeable and overbearing that no one cares for them. In fact, to be different from your fellow creatures is always a misfortune. The Growleywogs knew that they were disliked and avoided by every one, so they had become surly and unsociable even among themselves. Guph knew that they hated all people, including the Nomes; but he hoped to win them over, nevertheless, and knew that if he succeeded they would afford him very powerful assistance. "The Land of Oz is ruled by a namby-pamby girl who is disgustingly kind and good," he continued. "Her people are all happy and contented and have no care or worries whatever." "Go on!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. [Illustration] "Once the Nome King enslaved the Royal Family of Ev--another goody-goody lot that we detest," said the General. "But Ozma interfered, although it was none of her business, and marched her army against us. With her was a Kansas girl named Dorothy, and a Yellow Hen, and they marched directly into the Nome King's cavern. There they liberated our slaves from Ev and stole King Roquat's Magic Belt, which they carried away with them. So now our King is making a tunnel under the deadly desert, so we can march through it to the Emerald City. When we get there we mean to conquer and destroy all the land and recapture the Magic Belt." Again he paused, and again the Grand Gallipoot growled: "Go on!" Guph tried to think what to say next, and a happy thought soon occurred to him. "We want you to help us in this conquest," he announced, "for we need the mighty aid of the Growleywogs in order to make sure that we shall not be defeated. You are the strongest people in all the world, and you hate good and happy creatures as much as we Nomes do. I am sure it will be a real pleasure to you to tear down the beautiful Emerald City, and in return for your valuable assistance we will allow you to bring back to your country ten thousand people of Oz, to be your slaves." "Twenty thousand!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. "All right, we promise you twenty thousand," agreed the General. The Gallipoot made a signal and at once his attendants picked up General Guph and carried him away to a prison, where the jailor amused himself by sticking pins in the round fat body of the old Nome, to see him jump and hear him yell. But while this was going on the Grand Gallipoot was talking with his counselors, who were the most important officials of the Growleywogs. When he had stated to them the proposition of the Nome King he said: "My advice is to offer to help them. Then, when we have conquered the Land of Oz, we will take not only our twenty thousand prisoners but all the gold and jewels we want." "Let us take the Magic Belt, too," suggested one counselor. "And rob the Nome King and make him our slave," said another. "That is a good idea," declared the Grand Gallipoot. "I'd like King Roquat for my own slave. He could black my boots and bring me my porridge every morning while I am in bed." "There is a famous Scarecrow in Oz. I'll take him for my slave," said a counselor. "I'll take Tiktok, the machine man," said another. "Give me the Tin Woodman," said a third. They went on for some time, dividing up the people and the treasure of Oz in advance of the conquest. For they had no doubt at all that they would be able to destroy Ozma's domain. Were they not the strongest people in all the world? "The deadly desert has kept us out of Oz before," remarked the Grand Gallipoot, "but now that the Nome King is building a tunnel we shall get into the Emerald City very easily. So let us send the little fat General back to his King with our promise to assist him. We will not say that we intend to conquer the Nomes after we have conquered Oz, but we will do so, just the same." This plan being agreed upon, they all went home to dinner, leaving General Guph still in prison. The Nome had no idea that he had succeeded in his mission, for finding himself in prison he feared the Growleywogs intended to put him to death. By this time the jailor had tired of sticking pins in the General, and was amusing himself by carefully pulling the Nome's whiskers out by the roots, one at a time. This enjoyment was interrupted by the Grand Gallipoot sending for the prisoner. "Wait a few hours," begged the jailor. "I haven't pulled out a quarter of his whiskers yet." "If you keep the Grand Gallipoot waiting he'll break your back," declared the messenger. "Perhaps you're right," sighed the jailor. "Take the prisoner away, if you will, but I advise you to kick him at every step he takes. It will be good fun, for he is as soft as a ripe peach." [Illustration] So Guph was led away to the royal castle, where the Grand Gallipoot told him that the Growleywogs had decided to assist the Nomes in conquering the Land of Oz. "Whenever you are ready," he added, "send me word and I will march with eighteen thousand of my most powerful warriors to your aid." Guph was so delighted that he forgot all the smarting caused by the pins and the pulling of whiskers. He did not even complain of the treatment he had received, but thanked the Grand Gallipoot and hurried away upon his journey. He had now secured the assistance of the Whimsies and the Growleywogs; but his success made him long for still more allies. His own life depended upon his conquering Oz, and he said to himself: "I'll take no chances. I'll be certain of success.

shoes

How many times the word 'shoes' appears in the text?

CHAPTER SIX [Illustration] The new General of the Nome King's army knew perfectly well that to fail in his plans meant death for him. Yet he was not at all anxious or worried. He hated every one who was good and longed to make all who were happy unhappy. Therefore he had accepted this dangerous position as General quite willingly, feeling sure in his evil mind that he would be able to do a lot of mischief and finally conquer the Land of Oz. Yet Guph determined to be careful, and to lay his plans well, so as not to fail. He argued that only careless people fail in what they attempt to do. The mountains underneath which the Nome King's extensive caverns were located lay grouped just north of the Land of Ev, which lay directly across the deadly desert to the east of the Land of Oz. As the mountains were also on the edge of the desert the Nome King found that he had only to tunnel underneath the desert to reach Ozma's dominions. He did not wish his armies to appear above ground in the Country of the Winkies, which was the part of the Land of Oz nearest to King Roquat's own country, as then the people would give the alarm and enable Ozma to fortify the Emerald City and assemble an army. He wanted to take all the Oz people by surprise; so he decided to run the tunnel clear through to the Emerald City, where he and his hosts could break through the ground without warning and conquer the people before they had time to defend themselves. Roquat the Red began work at once upon his tunnel, setting a thousand miners at the task and building it high and broad enough for his armies to march through it with ease. The Nomes were used to making tunnels, as all the kingdom in which they lived was under ground; so they made rapid progress. While this work was going on General Guph started out alone to visit the Chief of the Whimsies. These Whimsies were curious people who lived in a retired country of their own. They had large, strong bodies, but heads so small that they were no bigger than door-knobs. Of course, such tiny heads could not contain any great amount of brains, and the Whimsies were so ashamed of their personal appearance and lack of commonsense that they wore big heads, made of pasteboard, which they fastened over their own little heads. On these pasteboard heads they sewed sheep's wool for hair, and the wool was colored many tints--pink, green and lavender being the favorite colors. The faces of these false heads were painted in many ridiculous ways, according to the whims of the owners, and these big, burly creatures looked so whimsical and absurd in their queer masks that they were called "Whimsies." They foolishly imagined that no one would suspect the little heads that were inside the imitation ones, not knowing that it is folly to try to appear otherwise than as nature has made us. The Chief of the Whimsies had as little wisdom as the others, and had been chosen chief merely because none among them was any wiser or more capable of ruling. The Whimsies were evil spirits and could not be killed. They were hated and feared by every one and were known as terrible fighters because they were so strong and muscular and had not sense enough to know when they were defeated. General Guph thought the Whimsies would be a great help to the Nomes in the conquest of Oz, for under his leadership they could be induced to fight as long so they could stand up. So he traveled to their country and asked to see the Chief, who lived in a house that had a picture of his grotesque false head painted over the doorway. The Chief's false head had blue hair, a turned-up nose, and a mouth that stretched half across the face. Big green eyes had been painted upon it, but in the center of the chin were two small holes made in the pasteboard, so that the Chief could see through them with his own tiny eyes; for when the big head was fastened upon his shoulders the eyes in his own natural head were on a level with the false chin. Said General Guph to the Chief of the Whimsies: "We Nomes are going to conquer the Land of Oz and capture our King's Magic Belt, which the Oz people stole from him. Then we are going to plunder and destroy the whole country. And we want the Whimsies to help us." "Will there be any fighting?" asked the Chief. "Plenty," replied Guph. That must have pleased the Chief, for he got up and danced around the room three times. Then he seated himself again, adjusted his false head, and said: "We have no quarrel with Ozma of Oz." "But you Whimsies love to fight, and here is a splendid chance to do so," urged Guph. "Wait till I sing a song," said the Chief. Then he lay back in his chair and sang a foolish song that did not seem to the General to mean anything, although he listened carefully. When he had finished, the Chief Whimsie looked at him through the holes in his chin and asked: "What reward will you give us if we help you?" The General was prepared for this question, for he had been thinking the matter over on his journey. People often do a good deed without hope of reward, but for an evil deed they always demand payment. [Illustration] "When we get our Magic Belt," he made reply, "our King, Roquat the Red, will use its power to give every Whimsie a natural head as big and fine as the false head he now wears. Then you will no longer be ashamed because your big strong bodies have such teenty-weenty heads." "Oh! Will you do that?" asked the Chief, eagerly. "We surely will," promised the General. "I'll talk to my people," said the Chief. So he called a meeting of all the Whimsies and told them of the offer made by the Nomes. The creatures were delighted with the bargain, and at once agreed to fight for the Nome King and help him to conquer Oz. [Illustration] One Whimsie alone seemed to have a glimmer of sense, for he asked: "Suppose we fail to capture the Magic Belt? What will happen then, and what good will all our fighting do?" But they threw him into the river for asking foolish questions, and laughed when the water ruined his pasteboard head before he could swim out again. So the compact was made and General Guph was delighted with his success in gaining such powerful allies. But there were other people, too, just as important as the Whimsies, whom the clever old Nome had determined to win to his side. [Illustration] _How_ AUNT EM CONQUERED THE LION CHAPTER SEVEN [Illustration] "These are your rooms," said Dorothy, opening a door. Aunt Em drew back at sight of the splendid furniture and draperies. "Ain't there any place to wipe my feet?" she asked. "You will soon change your slippers for new shoes," replied Dorothy. "Don't be afraid, Aunt Em. Here is where you are to live, so walk right in and make yourself at home." Aunt Em advanced hesitatingly. "It beats the Topeka Hotel!" she cried, admiringly. "But this place is too grand for us, child. Can't we have some back room in the attic, that's more in our class?" "No," said Dorothy. "You've got to live here, 'cause Ozma says so. And all the rooms in this palace are just as fine as these, and some are better. It won't do any good to fuss, Aunt Em. You've got to be swell and high-toned in the Land of Oz, whether you want to or not; so you may as well make up your mind to it." "It's hard luck," replied her aunt, looking around with an awed expression; "but folks can get used to anything, if they try. Eh, Henry?" "Why, as to that," said Uncle Henry, slowly, "I b'lieve in takin' what's pervided us, an' askin' no questions. I've traveled some, Em, in my time, and you hain't; an' that makes a difference atween us." Then Dorothy showed them through the rooms. The first was a handsome sitting-room, with windows opening upon the rose gardens. Then came separate bedrooms for Aunt Em and Uncle Henry, with a fine bathroom between them. Aunt Em had a pretty dressing room, besides, and Dorothy opened the closets and showed several exquisite costumes that had been provided for her aunt by the royal dressmakers, who had worked all night to get them ready. Everything that Aunt Em could possibly need was in the drawers and closets, and her dressing-table was covered with engraved gold toilet articles. Uncle Henry had nine suits of clothes, cut in the popular Munchkin fashion, with knee-breeches, silk stockings and low shoes with jeweled buckles. The hats to match these costumes had pointed tops and wide brims with small gold bells around the edges. His shirts were of fine linen with frilled bosoms, and his vests were richly embroidered with colored silks. Uncle Henry decided that he would first take a bath and then dress himself in a blue satin suit that had caught his fancy. He accepted his good fortune with calm composure and refused to have a servant to assist him. But Aunt Em was "all of a flutter," as she said, and it took Dorothy and Jellia Jamb, the housekeeper, and two maids a long time to dress her and do up her hair and get her "rigged like a popinjay," as she quaintly expressed it. She wanted to stop and admire everything that caught her eye, and she sighed continually and declared that such finery was too good for an old country woman, and that she never thought she would have to "put on airs" at her time of life. Finally she was dressed, and when they went into the sitting-room there was Uncle Henry in his blue satin, walking gravely up and down the room. He had trimmed his beard and mustache and looked very dignified and respectable. "Tell me, Dorothy," he said; "do all the men here wear duds like these?" "Yes," she replied; "all 'cept the Scarecrow and the Shaggy Man--and of course the Tin Woodman and Tiktok, who are made of metal. You'll find all the men at Ozma's court dressed just as you are--only perhaps a little finer." "Henry, you look like a play-actor," announced Aunt Em, looking at her husband critically. "An' you, Em, look more highfalutin' than a peacock," he replied. "I guess you're right," she said, regretfully; "but we're helpless victims of high-toned royalty." Dorothy was much amused. [Illustration] "Come with me," she said, "and I'll show you 'round the palace." She took them through the beautiful rooms and introduced them to all the people they chanced to meet. Also she showed them her own pretty rooms, which were not far from their own. "So it's all true," said Aunt Em, wide-eyed with amazement, "and what Dorothy told us of this fairy country was plain facts instead of dreams! But where are all the strange creatures you used to know here?" "Yes; where's the Scarecrow?" inquired Uncle Henry. "Why, he's just now away on a visit to the Tin Woodman, who is Emp'ror of the Winkie Country," answered the little girl. "You'll see him when he comes back, and you're sure to like him." "And where's the Wonderful Wizard?" asked Aunt Em. "You'll see him at Ozma's luncheon, for he lives in this palace," was the reply. "And Jack Pumpkinhead?" "Oh, he lives a little way out of town, in his own pumpkin field. We'll go there some time and see him, and we'll call on Professor Wogglebug, too. The Shaggy Man will be at the luncheon, I guess, and Tiktok. And now I'll take you out to see Billina, who has a house of her own." So they went into the back yard, and after walking along winding paths some distance through the beautiful gardens they came to an attractive little house where the Yellow Hen sat on the front porch sunning herself. "Good morning, my dear Mistress," called Billina, fluttering down to meet them. "I was expecting you to call, for I heard you had come back and brought your uncle and aunt with you." "We're here for good and all, this time, Billina," cried Dorothy, joyfully. "Uncle Henry and Aunt Em belong in Oz now as much as I do!" "Then they are very lucky people," declared Billina; "for there couldn't be a nicer place to live. But come, my dear; I must show you all my Dorothys. Nine are living and have grown up to be very respectable hens; but one took cold at Ozma's birthday party and died of the pip, and the other two turned out to be horrid roosters, so I had to change their names from Dorothy to Daniel. They all had the letter 'D' engraved upon their gold lockets, you remember, with your picture inside, and 'D' stands for Daniel as well as for Dorothy." "Did you call both the roosters Daniel?" asked Uncle Henry. "Yes, indeed. I've nine Dorothys and two Daniels; and the nine Dorothys have eighty-six sons and daughters and over three hundred grandchildren," said Billina, proudly. "What names do you give 'em all, dear?" inquired the little girl. "Oh, they are all Dorothys and Daniels, some being Juniors and some Double-Juniors. Dorothy and Daniel are two good names, and I see no object in hunting for others," declared the Yellow Hen. "But just think, Dorothy, what a big chicken family we've grown to be, and our numbers increase nearly every day! Ozma doesn't know what to do with all the eggs we lay, and we are never eaten or harmed in any way, as chickens are in your country. They give us everything to make us contented and happy, and I, my dear, am the acknowledged Queen and Governor of every chicken in Oz, because I'm the eldest and started the whole colony." "You ought to be very proud, ma'am," said Uncle Henry, who was astonished to hear a hen talk so sensibly. "Oh, I am," she replied. "I've the loveliest pearl necklace you ever saw. Come in the house and I'll show it to you. And I've nine leg bracelets and a diamond pin for each wing. But I only wear them on state occasions." They followed the Yellow Hen into the house, which Aunt Em declared was neat as a pin. They could not sit down, because all Billina's chairs were roosting-poles made of silver; so they had to stand while the hen fussily showed them her treasures. Then they had to go into the back rooms occupied by Billina's nine Dorothys and two Daniels, who were all plump yellow chickens and greeted the visitors very politely. It was easy to see that they were well bred and that Billina had looked after their education. In the yards were all the children and grandchildren of these eleven elders and they were of all sizes, from well-grown hens to tiny chickens just out of the shell. About fifty fluffy yellow youngsters were at school, being taught good manners and good grammar by a young hen who wore spectacles. They sang in chorus a patriotic song of the Land of Oz, in honor of their visitors, and Aunt Em was much impressed by these talking chickens. Dorothy wanted to stay and play with the young chickens for awhile, but Uncle Henry and Aunt Em had not seen the palace grounds and gardens yet and were eager to get better acquainted with the marvelous and delightful land in which they were to live. "I'll stay here, and you can go for a walk," said Dorothy. "You'll be perfec'ly safe anywhere, and may do whatever you want to. When you get tired, go back to the palace and find your rooms, and I'll come to you before luncheon is ready." So Uncle Henry and Aunt Em started out alone to explore the grounds, and Dorothy knew that they couldn't get lost, because all the palace grounds were enclosed by a high wall of green marble set with emeralds. It was a rare treat to these simple folk, who had lived in the country all their lives and known little enjoyment of any sort, to wear beautiful clothes and live in a palace and be treated with respect and consideration by all around them. They were very happy indeed as they strolled up the shady walks and looked upon the gorgeous flowers and shrubs, feeling that their new home was more beautiful than any tongue could describe. Suddenly, as they turned a corner and walked through a gap in a high hedge, they came face to face with an enormous Lion, which crouched upon the green lawn and seemed surprised by their appearance. They stopped short, Uncle Henry trembling with horror and Aunt Em too terrified to scream. Next moment the poor woman clasped her husband around the neck and cried: "Save me, Henry, save me!" "Can't even save myself, Em," he returned, in a husky voice, "for the animile looks as if it could eat both of us, an' lick its chops for more! If I only had a gun--" "Haven't you, Henry? Haven't you?" she asked anxiously. "Nary gun, Em. So let's die as brave an' graceful as we can. I knew our luck couldn't last!" "I won't die. I won't be eaten by a lion!" wailed Aunt Em, glaring upon the huge beast. Then a thought struck her, and she whispered: "Henry, I've heard as savage beastses can be conquered by the human eye. I'll eye that lion out o' countenance an' save our lives." "Try it, Em," he returned, also in a whisper. "Look at him as you do at me when I'm late to dinner." Aunt Em turned upon the Lion a determined countenance and a wild dilated eye. She glared at the immense beast steadily, and the Lion, who had been quietly blinking at them, began to appear uneasy and disturbed. [Illustration] "Is anything the matter, ma'am?" he asked, in a mild voice. At this speech from the terrible beast Aunt Em and Uncle Henry both were startled, and then Uncle Henry remembered that this must be the Lion they had seen in Ozma's Throne Room. "Hold on, Em!" he exclaimed. "Quit the eagle eye conquest an' take courage. I guess this is the same Cowardly Lion Dorothy has told us about." "Oh, is it?" she asked, much relieved. "When he spoke, I got the idea; and when he looked so 'shamed like, I was sure of it," Uncle Henry continued. Aunt Em regarded the animal with new interest. "Are you the Cowardly Lion?" she inquired. "Are you Dorothy's friend?" "Yes'm," answered the Lion, meekly. "Dorothy and I are old chums and are very fond of each other. I'm the King of Beasts, you know, and the Hungry Tiger and I serve Princess Ozma as her body guards." "To be sure," said Aunt Em, nodding. "But the King of Beasts shouldn't be cowardly." "I've heard that said before," remarked the Lion, yawning till he showed his two great rows of sharp white teeth; "but that does not keep me from being frightened whenever I go into battle." "What do you do, run?" asked Uncle Henry. "No; that would be foolish, for the enemy would run after me," declared the Lion. "So I tremble with fear and pitch in as hard as I can; and so far I have always won my fight." "Ah, I begin to understand," said Uncle Henry. "Were you scared when I looked at you just now?" inquired Aunt Em. "Terribly scared, madam," answered the Lion, "for at first I thought you were going to have a fit. Then I noticed you were trying to overcome me by the power of your eye, and your glance was so fierce and penetrating that I shook with fear." This greatly pleased the lady, and she said quite cheerfully: "Well, I won't hurt you, so don't be scared any more. I just wanted to see what the human eye was good for." "The human eye is a fearful weapon," remarked the Lion, scratching his nose softly with his paw to hide a smile. "Had I not known you were Dorothy's friends I might have torn you both into shreds in order to escape your terrible gaze." Aunt Em shuddered at hearing this, and Uncle Henry said hastily: "I'm glad you knew us. Good morning, Mr. Lion; we'll hope to see you again--by and by--some time in the future." "Good morning," replied the Lion, squatting down upon the lawn again. "You are likely to see a good deal of me, if you live in the Land of Oz." [Illustration] _How_ THE GRAND GALLIPOOT JOINED THE NOMES CHAPTER EIGHT [Illustration] After leaving the Whimsies, Guph continued on his journey and penetrated far into the Northwest. He wanted to get to the Country of the Growleywogs, and in order to do that he must cross the Ripple Land, which was a hard thing to do. For the Ripple Land was a succession of hills and valleys, all very steep and rocky, and they changed places constantly by rippling. While Guph was climbing a hill it sank down under him and became a valley, and while he was descending into a valley it rose up and carried him to the top of a hill. This was very perplexing to the traveler, and a stranger might have thought he could never cross the Ripple Land at all. But Guph knew that if he kept steadily on he would get to the end at last; so he paid no attention to the changing hills and valleys and plodded along as calmly as if walking upon the level ground. The result of this wise persistence was that the General finally reached firmer soil and, after penetrating a dense forest, came to the Dominion of the Growleywogs. No sooner had he crossed the border of this domain when two guards seized him and carried him before the Grand Gallipoot of the Growleywogs, who scowled upon him ferociously and asked him why he dared intrude upon his territory. "I'm the Lord High General of the Invincible Army of the Nomes, and my name is Guph," was the reply. "All the world trembles when that name is mentioned." The Growleywogs gave a shout of jeering laughter at this, and one of them caught the Nome in his strong arms and tossed him high into the air. Guph was considerably shaken when he fell upon the hard ground, but he appeared to take no notice of the impertinence and composed himself to speak again to the Grand Gallipoot. "My master, King Roquat the Red, has sent me here to confer with you. He wishes your assistance to conquer the Land of Oz." Here the General paused, and the Grand Gallipoot scowled upon him more terribly than ever and said: "Go on!" The voice of the Grand Gallipoot was partly a roar and partly a growl. He mumbled his words badly and Guph had to listen carefully in order to understand him. These Growleywogs were certainly remarkable creatures. They were of gigantic size, yet were all bone and skin and muscle, there being no meat or fat upon their bodies at all. Their powerful muscles lay just underneath their skins, like bunches of tough rope, and the weakest Growleywog was so strong that he could pick up an elephant and toss it seven miles away. It seems unfortunate that strong people are usually so disagreeable and overbearing that no one cares for them. In fact, to be different from your fellow creatures is always a misfortune. The Growleywogs knew that they were disliked and avoided by every one, so they had become surly and unsociable even among themselves. Guph knew that they hated all people, including the Nomes; but he hoped to win them over, nevertheless, and knew that if he succeeded they would afford him very powerful assistance. "The Land of Oz is ruled by a namby-pamby girl who is disgustingly kind and good," he continued. "Her people are all happy and contented and have no care or worries whatever." "Go on!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. [Illustration] "Once the Nome King enslaved the Royal Family of Ev--another goody-goody lot that we detest," said the General. "But Ozma interfered, although it was none of her business, and marched her army against us. With her was a Kansas girl named Dorothy, and a Yellow Hen, and they marched directly into the Nome King's cavern. There they liberated our slaves from Ev and stole King Roquat's Magic Belt, which they carried away with them. So now our King is making a tunnel under the deadly desert, so we can march through it to the Emerald City. When we get there we mean to conquer and destroy all the land and recapture the Magic Belt." Again he paused, and again the Grand Gallipoot growled: "Go on!" Guph tried to think what to say next, and a happy thought soon occurred to him. "We want you to help us in this conquest," he announced, "for we need the mighty aid of the Growleywogs in order to make sure that we shall not be defeated. You are the strongest people in all the world, and you hate good and happy creatures as much as we Nomes do. I am sure it will be a real pleasure to you to tear down the beautiful Emerald City, and in return for your valuable assistance we will allow you to bring back to your country ten thousand people of Oz, to be your slaves." "Twenty thousand!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. "All right, we promise you twenty thousand," agreed the General. The Gallipoot made a signal and at once his attendants picked up General Guph and carried him away to a prison, where the jailor amused himself by sticking pins in the round fat body of the old Nome, to see him jump and hear him yell. But while this was going on the Grand Gallipoot was talking with his counselors, who were the most important officials of the Growleywogs. When he had stated to them the proposition of the Nome King he said: "My advice is to offer to help them. Then, when we have conquered the Land of Oz, we will take not only our twenty thousand prisoners but all the gold and jewels we want." "Let us take the Magic Belt, too," suggested one counselor. "And rob the Nome King and make him our slave," said another. "That is a good idea," declared the Grand Gallipoot. "I'd like King Roquat for my own slave. He could black my boots and bring me my porridge every morning while I am in bed." "There is a famous Scarecrow in Oz. I'll take him for my slave," said a counselor. "I'll take Tiktok, the machine man," said another. "Give me the Tin Woodman," said a third. They went on for some time, dividing up the people and the treasure of Oz in advance of the conquest. For they had no doubt at all that they would be able to destroy Ozma's domain. Were they not the strongest people in all the world? "The deadly desert has kept us out of Oz before," remarked the Grand Gallipoot, "but now that the Nome King is building a tunnel we shall get into the Emerald City very easily. So let us send the little fat General back to his King with our promise to assist him. We will not say that we intend to conquer the Nomes after we have conquered Oz, but we will do so, just the same." This plan being agreed upon, they all went home to dinner, leaving General Guph still in prison. The Nome had no idea that he had succeeded in his mission, for finding himself in prison he feared the Growleywogs intended to put him to death. By this time the jailor had tired of sticking pins in the General, and was amusing himself by carefully pulling the Nome's whiskers out by the roots, one at a time. This enjoyment was interrupted by the Grand Gallipoot sending for the prisoner. "Wait a few hours," begged the jailor. "I haven't pulled out a quarter of his whiskers yet." "If you keep the Grand Gallipoot waiting he'll break your back," declared the messenger. "Perhaps you're right," sighed the jailor. "Take the prisoner away, if you will, but I advise you to kick him at every step he takes. It will be good fun, for he is as soft as a ripe peach." [Illustration] So Guph was led away to the royal castle, where the Grand Gallipoot told him that the Growleywogs had decided to assist the Nomes in conquering the Land of Oz. "Whenever you are ready," he added, "send me word and I will march with eighteen thousand of my most powerful warriors to your aid." Guph was so delighted that he forgot all the smarting caused by the pins and the pulling of whiskers. He did not even complain of the treatment he had received, but thanked the Grand Gallipoot and hurried away upon his journey. He had now secured the assistance of the Whimsies and the Growleywogs; but his success made him long for still more allies. His own life depended upon his conquering Oz, and he said to himself: "I'll take no chances. I'll be certain of success.

make

How many times the word 'make' appears in the text?

CHAPTER SIX [Illustration] The new General of the Nome King's army knew perfectly well that to fail in his plans meant death for him. Yet he was not at all anxious or worried. He hated every one who was good and longed to make all who were happy unhappy. Therefore he had accepted this dangerous position as General quite willingly, feeling sure in his evil mind that he would be able to do a lot of mischief and finally conquer the Land of Oz. Yet Guph determined to be careful, and to lay his plans well, so as not to fail. He argued that only careless people fail in what they attempt to do. The mountains underneath which the Nome King's extensive caverns were located lay grouped just north of the Land of Ev, which lay directly across the deadly desert to the east of the Land of Oz. As the mountains were also on the edge of the desert the Nome King found that he had only to tunnel underneath the desert to reach Ozma's dominions. He did not wish his armies to appear above ground in the Country of the Winkies, which was the part of the Land of Oz nearest to King Roquat's own country, as then the people would give the alarm and enable Ozma to fortify the Emerald City and assemble an army. He wanted to take all the Oz people by surprise; so he decided to run the tunnel clear through to the Emerald City, where he and his hosts could break through the ground without warning and conquer the people before they had time to defend themselves. Roquat the Red began work at once upon his tunnel, setting a thousand miners at the task and building it high and broad enough for his armies to march through it with ease. The Nomes were used to making tunnels, as all the kingdom in which they lived was under ground; so they made rapid progress. While this work was going on General Guph started out alone to visit the Chief of the Whimsies. These Whimsies were curious people who lived in a retired country of their own. They had large, strong bodies, but heads so small that they were no bigger than door-knobs. Of course, such tiny heads could not contain any great amount of brains, and the Whimsies were so ashamed of their personal appearance and lack of commonsense that they wore big heads, made of pasteboard, which they fastened over their own little heads. On these pasteboard heads they sewed sheep's wool for hair, and the wool was colored many tints--pink, green and lavender being the favorite colors. The faces of these false heads were painted in many ridiculous ways, according to the whims of the owners, and these big, burly creatures looked so whimsical and absurd in their queer masks that they were called "Whimsies." They foolishly imagined that no one would suspect the little heads that were inside the imitation ones, not knowing that it is folly to try to appear otherwise than as nature has made us. The Chief of the Whimsies had as little wisdom as the others, and had been chosen chief merely because none among them was any wiser or more capable of ruling. The Whimsies were evil spirits and could not be killed. They were hated and feared by every one and were known as terrible fighters because they were so strong and muscular and had not sense enough to know when they were defeated. General Guph thought the Whimsies would be a great help to the Nomes in the conquest of Oz, for under his leadership they could be induced to fight as long so they could stand up. So he traveled to their country and asked to see the Chief, who lived in a house that had a picture of his grotesque false head painted over the doorway. The Chief's false head had blue hair, a turned-up nose, and a mouth that stretched half across the face. Big green eyes had been painted upon it, but in the center of the chin were two small holes made in the pasteboard, so that the Chief could see through them with his own tiny eyes; for when the big head was fastened upon his shoulders the eyes in his own natural head were on a level with the false chin. Said General Guph to the Chief of the Whimsies: "We Nomes are going to conquer the Land of Oz and capture our King's Magic Belt, which the Oz people stole from him. Then we are going to plunder and destroy the whole country. And we want the Whimsies to help us." "Will there be any fighting?" asked the Chief. "Plenty," replied Guph. That must have pleased the Chief, for he got up and danced around the room three times. Then he seated himself again, adjusted his false head, and said: "We have no quarrel with Ozma of Oz." "But you Whimsies love to fight, and here is a splendid chance to do so," urged Guph. "Wait till I sing a song," said the Chief. Then he lay back in his chair and sang a foolish song that did not seem to the General to mean anything, although he listened carefully. When he had finished, the Chief Whimsie looked at him through the holes in his chin and asked: "What reward will you give us if we help you?" The General was prepared for this question, for he had been thinking the matter over on his journey. People often do a good deed without hope of reward, but for an evil deed they always demand payment. [Illustration] "When we get our Magic Belt," he made reply, "our King, Roquat the Red, will use its power to give every Whimsie a natural head as big and fine as the false head he now wears. Then you will no longer be ashamed because your big strong bodies have such teenty-weenty heads." "Oh! Will you do that?" asked the Chief, eagerly. "We surely will," promised the General. "I'll talk to my people," said the Chief. So he called a meeting of all the Whimsies and told them of the offer made by the Nomes. The creatures were delighted with the bargain, and at once agreed to fight for the Nome King and help him to conquer Oz. [Illustration] One Whimsie alone seemed to have a glimmer of sense, for he asked: "Suppose we fail to capture the Magic Belt? What will happen then, and what good will all our fighting do?" But they threw him into the river for asking foolish questions, and laughed when the water ruined his pasteboard head before he could swim out again. So the compact was made and General Guph was delighted with his success in gaining such powerful allies. But there were other people, too, just as important as the Whimsies, whom the clever old Nome had determined to win to his side. [Illustration] _How_ AUNT EM CONQUERED THE LION CHAPTER SEVEN [Illustration] "These are your rooms," said Dorothy, opening a door. Aunt Em drew back at sight of the splendid furniture and draperies. "Ain't there any place to wipe my feet?" she asked. "You will soon change your slippers for new shoes," replied Dorothy. "Don't be afraid, Aunt Em. Here is where you are to live, so walk right in and make yourself at home." Aunt Em advanced hesitatingly. "It beats the Topeka Hotel!" she cried, admiringly. "But this place is too grand for us, child. Can't we have some back room in the attic, that's more in our class?" "No," said Dorothy. "You've got to live here, 'cause Ozma says so. And all the rooms in this palace are just as fine as these, and some are better. It won't do any good to fuss, Aunt Em. You've got to be swell and high-toned in the Land of Oz, whether you want to or not; so you may as well make up your mind to it." "It's hard luck," replied her aunt, looking around with an awed expression; "but folks can get used to anything, if they try. Eh, Henry?" "Why, as to that," said Uncle Henry, slowly, "I b'lieve in takin' what's pervided us, an' askin' no questions. I've traveled some, Em, in my time, and you hain't; an' that makes a difference atween us." Then Dorothy showed them through the rooms. The first was a handsome sitting-room, with windows opening upon the rose gardens. Then came separate bedrooms for Aunt Em and Uncle Henry, with a fine bathroom between them. Aunt Em had a pretty dressing room, besides, and Dorothy opened the closets and showed several exquisite costumes that had been provided for her aunt by the royal dressmakers, who had worked all night to get them ready. Everything that Aunt Em could possibly need was in the drawers and closets, and her dressing-table was covered with engraved gold toilet articles. Uncle Henry had nine suits of clothes, cut in the popular Munchkin fashion, with knee-breeches, silk stockings and low shoes with jeweled buckles. The hats to match these costumes had pointed tops and wide brims with small gold bells around the edges. His shirts were of fine linen with frilled bosoms, and his vests were richly embroidered with colored silks. Uncle Henry decided that he would first take a bath and then dress himself in a blue satin suit that had caught his fancy. He accepted his good fortune with calm composure and refused to have a servant to assist him. But Aunt Em was "all of a flutter," as she said, and it took Dorothy and Jellia Jamb, the housekeeper, and two maids a long time to dress her and do up her hair and get her "rigged like a popinjay," as she quaintly expressed it. She wanted to stop and admire everything that caught her eye, and she sighed continually and declared that such finery was too good for an old country woman, and that she never thought she would have to "put on airs" at her time of life. Finally she was dressed, and when they went into the sitting-room there was Uncle Henry in his blue satin, walking gravely up and down the room. He had trimmed his beard and mustache and looked very dignified and respectable. "Tell me, Dorothy," he said; "do all the men here wear duds like these?" "Yes," she replied; "all 'cept the Scarecrow and the Shaggy Man--and of course the Tin Woodman and Tiktok, who are made of metal. You'll find all the men at Ozma's court dressed just as you are--only perhaps a little finer." "Henry, you look like a play-actor," announced Aunt Em, looking at her husband critically. "An' you, Em, look more highfalutin' than a peacock," he replied. "I guess you're right," she said, regretfully; "but we're helpless victims of high-toned royalty." Dorothy was much amused. [Illustration] "Come with me," she said, "and I'll show you 'round the palace." She took them through the beautiful rooms and introduced them to all the people they chanced to meet. Also she showed them her own pretty rooms, which were not far from their own. "So it's all true," said Aunt Em, wide-eyed with amazement, "and what Dorothy told us of this fairy country was plain facts instead of dreams! But where are all the strange creatures you used to know here?" "Yes; where's the Scarecrow?" inquired Uncle Henry. "Why, he's just now away on a visit to the Tin Woodman, who is Emp'ror of the Winkie Country," answered the little girl. "You'll see him when he comes back, and you're sure to like him." "And where's the Wonderful Wizard?" asked Aunt Em. "You'll see him at Ozma's luncheon, for he lives in this palace," was the reply. "And Jack Pumpkinhead?" "Oh, he lives a little way out of town, in his own pumpkin field. We'll go there some time and see him, and we'll call on Professor Wogglebug, too. The Shaggy Man will be at the luncheon, I guess, and Tiktok. And now I'll take you out to see Billina, who has a house of her own." So they went into the back yard, and after walking along winding paths some distance through the beautiful gardens they came to an attractive little house where the Yellow Hen sat on the front porch sunning herself. "Good morning, my dear Mistress," called Billina, fluttering down to meet them. "I was expecting you to call, for I heard you had come back and brought your uncle and aunt with you." "We're here for good and all, this time, Billina," cried Dorothy, joyfully. "Uncle Henry and Aunt Em belong in Oz now as much as I do!" "Then they are very lucky people," declared Billina; "for there couldn't be a nicer place to live. But come, my dear; I must show you all my Dorothys. Nine are living and have grown up to be very respectable hens; but one took cold at Ozma's birthday party and died of the pip, and the other two turned out to be horrid roosters, so I had to change their names from Dorothy to Daniel. They all had the letter 'D' engraved upon their gold lockets, you remember, with your picture inside, and 'D' stands for Daniel as well as for Dorothy." "Did you call both the roosters Daniel?" asked Uncle Henry. "Yes, indeed. I've nine Dorothys and two Daniels; and the nine Dorothys have eighty-six sons and daughters and over three hundred grandchildren," said Billina, proudly. "What names do you give 'em all, dear?" inquired the little girl. "Oh, they are all Dorothys and Daniels, some being Juniors and some Double-Juniors. Dorothy and Daniel are two good names, and I see no object in hunting for others," declared the Yellow Hen. "But just think, Dorothy, what a big chicken family we've grown to be, and our numbers increase nearly every day! Ozma doesn't know what to do with all the eggs we lay, and we are never eaten or harmed in any way, as chickens are in your country. They give us everything to make us contented and happy, and I, my dear, am the acknowledged Queen and Governor of every chicken in Oz, because I'm the eldest and started the whole colony." "You ought to be very proud, ma'am," said Uncle Henry, who was astonished to hear a hen talk so sensibly. "Oh, I am," she replied. "I've the loveliest pearl necklace you ever saw. Come in the house and I'll show it to you. And I've nine leg bracelets and a diamond pin for each wing. But I only wear them on state occasions." They followed the Yellow Hen into the house, which Aunt Em declared was neat as a pin. They could not sit down, because all Billina's chairs were roosting-poles made of silver; so they had to stand while the hen fussily showed them her treasures. Then they had to go into the back rooms occupied by Billina's nine Dorothys and two Daniels, who were all plump yellow chickens and greeted the visitors very politely. It was easy to see that they were well bred and that Billina had looked after their education. In the yards were all the children and grandchildren of these eleven elders and they were of all sizes, from well-grown hens to tiny chickens just out of the shell. About fifty fluffy yellow youngsters were at school, being taught good manners and good grammar by a young hen who wore spectacles. They sang in chorus a patriotic song of the Land of Oz, in honor of their visitors, and Aunt Em was much impressed by these talking chickens. Dorothy wanted to stay and play with the young chickens for awhile, but Uncle Henry and Aunt Em had not seen the palace grounds and gardens yet and were eager to get better acquainted with the marvelous and delightful land in which they were to live. "I'll stay here, and you can go for a walk," said Dorothy. "You'll be perfec'ly safe anywhere, and may do whatever you want to. When you get tired, go back to the palace and find your rooms, and I'll come to you before luncheon is ready." So Uncle Henry and Aunt Em started out alone to explore the grounds, and Dorothy knew that they couldn't get lost, because all the palace grounds were enclosed by a high wall of green marble set with emeralds. It was a rare treat to these simple folk, who had lived in the country all their lives and known little enjoyment of any sort, to wear beautiful clothes and live in a palace and be treated with respect and consideration by all around them. They were very happy indeed as they strolled up the shady walks and looked upon the gorgeous flowers and shrubs, feeling that their new home was more beautiful than any tongue could describe. Suddenly, as they turned a corner and walked through a gap in a high hedge, they came face to face with an enormous Lion, which crouched upon the green lawn and seemed surprised by their appearance. They stopped short, Uncle Henry trembling with horror and Aunt Em too terrified to scream. Next moment the poor woman clasped her husband around the neck and cried: "Save me, Henry, save me!" "Can't even save myself, Em," he returned, in a husky voice, "for the animile looks as if it could eat both of us, an' lick its chops for more! If I only had a gun--" "Haven't you, Henry? Haven't you?" she asked anxiously. "Nary gun, Em. So let's die as brave an' graceful as we can. I knew our luck couldn't last!" "I won't die. I won't be eaten by a lion!" wailed Aunt Em, glaring upon the huge beast. Then a thought struck her, and she whispered: "Henry, I've heard as savage beastses can be conquered by the human eye. I'll eye that lion out o' countenance an' save our lives." "Try it, Em," he returned, also in a whisper. "Look at him as you do at me when I'm late to dinner." Aunt Em turned upon the Lion a determined countenance and a wild dilated eye. She glared at the immense beast steadily, and the Lion, who had been quietly blinking at them, began to appear uneasy and disturbed. [Illustration] "Is anything the matter, ma'am?" he asked, in a mild voice. At this speech from the terrible beast Aunt Em and Uncle Henry both were startled, and then Uncle Henry remembered that this must be the Lion they had seen in Ozma's Throne Room. "Hold on, Em!" he exclaimed. "Quit the eagle eye conquest an' take courage. I guess this is the same Cowardly Lion Dorothy has told us about." "Oh, is it?" she asked, much relieved. "When he spoke, I got the idea; and when he looked so 'shamed like, I was sure of it," Uncle Henry continued. Aunt Em regarded the animal with new interest. "Are you the Cowardly Lion?" she inquired. "Are you Dorothy's friend?" "Yes'm," answered the Lion, meekly. "Dorothy and I are old chums and are very fond of each other. I'm the King of Beasts, you know, and the Hungry Tiger and I serve Princess Ozma as her body guards." "To be sure," said Aunt Em, nodding. "But the King of Beasts shouldn't be cowardly." "I've heard that said before," remarked the Lion, yawning till he showed his two great rows of sharp white teeth; "but that does not keep me from being frightened whenever I go into battle." "What do you do, run?" asked Uncle Henry. "No; that would be foolish, for the enemy would run after me," declared the Lion. "So I tremble with fear and pitch in as hard as I can; and so far I have always won my fight." "Ah, I begin to understand," said Uncle Henry. "Were you scared when I looked at you just now?" inquired Aunt Em. "Terribly scared, madam," answered the Lion, "for at first I thought you were going to have a fit. Then I noticed you were trying to overcome me by the power of your eye, and your glance was so fierce and penetrating that I shook with fear." This greatly pleased the lady, and she said quite cheerfully: "Well, I won't hurt you, so don't be scared any more. I just wanted to see what the human eye was good for." "The human eye is a fearful weapon," remarked the Lion, scratching his nose softly with his paw to hide a smile. "Had I not known you were Dorothy's friends I might have torn you both into shreds in order to escape your terrible gaze." Aunt Em shuddered at hearing this, and Uncle Henry said hastily: "I'm glad you knew us. Good morning, Mr. Lion; we'll hope to see you again--by and by--some time in the future." "Good morning," replied the Lion, squatting down upon the lawn again. "You are likely to see a good deal of me, if you live in the Land of Oz." [Illustration] _How_ THE GRAND GALLIPOOT JOINED THE NOMES CHAPTER EIGHT [Illustration] After leaving the Whimsies, Guph continued on his journey and penetrated far into the Northwest. He wanted to get to the Country of the Growleywogs, and in order to do that he must cross the Ripple Land, which was a hard thing to do. For the Ripple Land was a succession of hills and valleys, all very steep and rocky, and they changed places constantly by rippling. While Guph was climbing a hill it sank down under him and became a valley, and while he was descending into a valley it rose up and carried him to the top of a hill. This was very perplexing to the traveler, and a stranger might have thought he could never cross the Ripple Land at all. But Guph knew that if he kept steadily on he would get to the end at last; so he paid no attention to the changing hills and valleys and plodded along as calmly as if walking upon the level ground. The result of this wise persistence was that the General finally reached firmer soil and, after penetrating a dense forest, came to the Dominion of the Growleywogs. No sooner had he crossed the border of this domain when two guards seized him and carried him before the Grand Gallipoot of the Growleywogs, who scowled upon him ferociously and asked him why he dared intrude upon his territory. "I'm the Lord High General of the Invincible Army of the Nomes, and my name is Guph," was the reply. "All the world trembles when that name is mentioned." The Growleywogs gave a shout of jeering laughter at this, and one of them caught the Nome in his strong arms and tossed him high into the air. Guph was considerably shaken when he fell upon the hard ground, but he appeared to take no notice of the impertinence and composed himself to speak again to the Grand Gallipoot. "My master, King Roquat the Red, has sent me here to confer with you. He wishes your assistance to conquer the Land of Oz." Here the General paused, and the Grand Gallipoot scowled upon him more terribly than ever and said: "Go on!" The voice of the Grand Gallipoot was partly a roar and partly a growl. He mumbled his words badly and Guph had to listen carefully in order to understand him. These Growleywogs were certainly remarkable creatures. They were of gigantic size, yet were all bone and skin and muscle, there being no meat or fat upon their bodies at all. Their powerful muscles lay just underneath their skins, like bunches of tough rope, and the weakest Growleywog was so strong that he could pick up an elephant and toss it seven miles away. It seems unfortunate that strong people are usually so disagreeable and overbearing that no one cares for them. In fact, to be different from your fellow creatures is always a misfortune. The Growleywogs knew that they were disliked and avoided by every one, so they had become surly and unsociable even among themselves. Guph knew that they hated all people, including the Nomes; but he hoped to win them over, nevertheless, and knew that if he succeeded they would afford him very powerful assistance. "The Land of Oz is ruled by a namby-pamby girl who is disgustingly kind and good," he continued. "Her people are all happy and contented and have no care or worries whatever." "Go on!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. [Illustration] "Once the Nome King enslaved the Royal Family of Ev--another goody-goody lot that we detest," said the General. "But Ozma interfered, although it was none of her business, and marched her army against us. With her was a Kansas girl named Dorothy, and a Yellow Hen, and they marched directly into the Nome King's cavern. There they liberated our slaves from Ev and stole King Roquat's Magic Belt, which they carried away with them. So now our King is making a tunnel under the deadly desert, so we can march through it to the Emerald City. When we get there we mean to conquer and destroy all the land and recapture the Magic Belt." Again he paused, and again the Grand Gallipoot growled: "Go on!" Guph tried to think what to say next, and a happy thought soon occurred to him. "We want you to help us in this conquest," he announced, "for we need the mighty aid of the Growleywogs in order to make sure that we shall not be defeated. You are the strongest people in all the world, and you hate good and happy creatures as much as we Nomes do. I am sure it will be a real pleasure to you to tear down the beautiful Emerald City, and in return for your valuable assistance we will allow you to bring back to your country ten thousand people of Oz, to be your slaves." "Twenty thousand!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. "All right, we promise you twenty thousand," agreed the General. The Gallipoot made a signal and at once his attendants picked up General Guph and carried him away to a prison, where the jailor amused himself by sticking pins in the round fat body of the old Nome, to see him jump and hear him yell. But while this was going on the Grand Gallipoot was talking with his counselors, who were the most important officials of the Growleywogs. When he had stated to them the proposition of the Nome King he said: "My advice is to offer to help them. Then, when we have conquered the Land of Oz, we will take not only our twenty thousand prisoners but all the gold and jewels we want." "Let us take the Magic Belt, too," suggested one counselor. "And rob the Nome King and make him our slave," said another. "That is a good idea," declared the Grand Gallipoot. "I'd like King Roquat for my own slave. He could black my boots and bring me my porridge every morning while I am in bed." "There is a famous Scarecrow in Oz. I'll take him for my slave," said a counselor. "I'll take Tiktok, the machine man," said another. "Give me the Tin Woodman," said a third. They went on for some time, dividing up the people and the treasure of Oz in advance of the conquest. For they had no doubt at all that they would be able to destroy Ozma's domain. Were they not the strongest people in all the world? "The deadly desert has kept us out of Oz before," remarked the Grand Gallipoot, "but now that the Nome King is building a tunnel we shall get into the Emerald City very easily. So let us send the little fat General back to his King with our promise to assist him. We will not say that we intend to conquer the Nomes after we have conquered Oz, but we will do so, just the same." This plan being agreed upon, they all went home to dinner, leaving General Guph still in prison. The Nome had no idea that he had succeeded in his mission, for finding himself in prison he feared the Growleywogs intended to put him to death. By this time the jailor had tired of sticking pins in the General, and was amusing himself by carefully pulling the Nome's whiskers out by the roots, one at a time. This enjoyment was interrupted by the Grand Gallipoot sending for the prisoner. "Wait a few hours," begged the jailor. "I haven't pulled out a quarter of his whiskers yet." "If you keep the Grand Gallipoot waiting he'll break your back," declared the messenger. "Perhaps you're right," sighed the jailor. "Take the prisoner away, if you will, but I advise you to kick him at every step he takes. It will be good fun, for he is as soft as a ripe peach." [Illustration] So Guph was led away to the royal castle, where the Grand Gallipoot told him that the Growleywogs had decided to assist the Nomes in conquering the Land of Oz. "Whenever you are ready," he added, "send me word and I will march with eighteen thousand of my most powerful warriors to your aid." Guph was so delighted that he forgot all the smarting caused by the pins and the pulling of whiskers. He did not even complain of the treatment he had received, but thanked the Grand Gallipoot and hurried away upon his journey. He had now secured the assistance of the Whimsies and the Growleywogs; but his success made him long for still more allies. His own life depended upon his conquering Oz, and he said to himself: "I'll take no chances. I'll be certain of success.

alone

How many times the word 'alone' appears in the text?

CHAPTER SIX [Illustration] The new General of the Nome King's army knew perfectly well that to fail in his plans meant death for him. Yet he was not at all anxious or worried. He hated every one who was good and longed to make all who were happy unhappy. Therefore he had accepted this dangerous position as General quite willingly, feeling sure in his evil mind that he would be able to do a lot of mischief and finally conquer the Land of Oz. Yet Guph determined to be careful, and to lay his plans well, so as not to fail. He argued that only careless people fail in what they attempt to do. The mountains underneath which the Nome King's extensive caverns were located lay grouped just north of the Land of Ev, which lay directly across the deadly desert to the east of the Land of Oz. As the mountains were also on the edge of the desert the Nome King found that he had only to tunnel underneath the desert to reach Ozma's dominions. He did not wish his armies to appear above ground in the Country of the Winkies, which was the part of the Land of Oz nearest to King Roquat's own country, as then the people would give the alarm and enable Ozma to fortify the Emerald City and assemble an army. He wanted to take all the Oz people by surprise; so he decided to run the tunnel clear through to the Emerald City, where he and his hosts could break through the ground without warning and conquer the people before they had time to defend themselves. Roquat the Red began work at once upon his tunnel, setting a thousand miners at the task and building it high and broad enough for his armies to march through it with ease. The Nomes were used to making tunnels, as all the kingdom in which they lived was under ground; so they made rapid progress. While this work was going on General Guph started out alone to visit the Chief of the Whimsies. These Whimsies were curious people who lived in a retired country of their own. They had large, strong bodies, but heads so small that they were no bigger than door-knobs. Of course, such tiny heads could not contain any great amount of brains, and the Whimsies were so ashamed of their personal appearance and lack of commonsense that they wore big heads, made of pasteboard, which they fastened over their own little heads. On these pasteboard heads they sewed sheep's wool for hair, and the wool was colored many tints--pink, green and lavender being the favorite colors. The faces of these false heads were painted in many ridiculous ways, according to the whims of the owners, and these big, burly creatures looked so whimsical and absurd in their queer masks that they were called "Whimsies." They foolishly imagined that no one would suspect the little heads that were inside the imitation ones, not knowing that it is folly to try to appear otherwise than as nature has made us. The Chief of the Whimsies had as little wisdom as the others, and had been chosen chief merely because none among them was any wiser or more capable of ruling. The Whimsies were evil spirits and could not be killed. They were hated and feared by every one and were known as terrible fighters because they were so strong and muscular and had not sense enough to know when they were defeated. General Guph thought the Whimsies would be a great help to the Nomes in the conquest of Oz, for under his leadership they could be induced to fight as long so they could stand up. So he traveled to their country and asked to see the Chief, who lived in a house that had a picture of his grotesque false head painted over the doorway. The Chief's false head had blue hair, a turned-up nose, and a mouth that stretched half across the face. Big green eyes had been painted upon it, but in the center of the chin were two small holes made in the pasteboard, so that the Chief could see through them with his own tiny eyes; for when the big head was fastened upon his shoulders the eyes in his own natural head were on a level with the false chin. Said General Guph to the Chief of the Whimsies: "We Nomes are going to conquer the Land of Oz and capture our King's Magic Belt, which the Oz people stole from him. Then we are going to plunder and destroy the whole country. And we want the Whimsies to help us." "Will there be any fighting?" asked the Chief. "Plenty," replied Guph. That must have pleased the Chief, for he got up and danced around the room three times. Then he seated himself again, adjusted his false head, and said: "We have no quarrel with Ozma of Oz." "But you Whimsies love to fight, and here is a splendid chance to do so," urged Guph. "Wait till I sing a song," said the Chief. Then he lay back in his chair and sang a foolish song that did not seem to the General to mean anything, although he listened carefully. When he had finished, the Chief Whimsie looked at him through the holes in his chin and asked: "What reward will you give us if we help you?" The General was prepared for this question, for he had been thinking the matter over on his journey. People often do a good deed without hope of reward, but for an evil deed they always demand payment. [Illustration] "When we get our Magic Belt," he made reply, "our King, Roquat the Red, will use its power to give every Whimsie a natural head as big and fine as the false head he now wears. Then you will no longer be ashamed because your big strong bodies have such teenty-weenty heads." "Oh! Will you do that?" asked the Chief, eagerly. "We surely will," promised the General. "I'll talk to my people," said the Chief. So he called a meeting of all the Whimsies and told them of the offer made by the Nomes. The creatures were delighted with the bargain, and at once agreed to fight for the Nome King and help him to conquer Oz. [Illustration] One Whimsie alone seemed to have a glimmer of sense, for he asked: "Suppose we fail to capture the Magic Belt? What will happen then, and what good will all our fighting do?" But they threw him into the river for asking foolish questions, and laughed when the water ruined his pasteboard head before he could swim out again. So the compact was made and General Guph was delighted with his success in gaining such powerful allies. But there were other people, too, just as important as the Whimsies, whom the clever old Nome had determined to win to his side. [Illustration] _How_ AUNT EM CONQUERED THE LION CHAPTER SEVEN [Illustration] "These are your rooms," said Dorothy, opening a door. Aunt Em drew back at sight of the splendid furniture and draperies. "Ain't there any place to wipe my feet?" she asked. "You will soon change your slippers for new shoes," replied Dorothy. "Don't be afraid, Aunt Em. Here is where you are to live, so walk right in and make yourself at home." Aunt Em advanced hesitatingly. "It beats the Topeka Hotel!" she cried, admiringly. "But this place is too grand for us, child. Can't we have some back room in the attic, that's more in our class?" "No," said Dorothy. "You've got to live here, 'cause Ozma says so. And all the rooms in this palace are just as fine as these, and some are better. It won't do any good to fuss, Aunt Em. You've got to be swell and high-toned in the Land of Oz, whether you want to or not; so you may as well make up your mind to it." "It's hard luck," replied her aunt, looking around with an awed expression; "but folks can get used to anything, if they try. Eh, Henry?" "Why, as to that," said Uncle Henry, slowly, "I b'lieve in takin' what's pervided us, an' askin' no questions. I've traveled some, Em, in my time, and you hain't; an' that makes a difference atween us." Then Dorothy showed them through the rooms. The first was a handsome sitting-room, with windows opening upon the rose gardens. Then came separate bedrooms for Aunt Em and Uncle Henry, with a fine bathroom between them. Aunt Em had a pretty dressing room, besides, and Dorothy opened the closets and showed several exquisite costumes that had been provided for her aunt by the royal dressmakers, who had worked all night to get them ready. Everything that Aunt Em could possibly need was in the drawers and closets, and her dressing-table was covered with engraved gold toilet articles. Uncle Henry had nine suits of clothes, cut in the popular Munchkin fashion, with knee-breeches, silk stockings and low shoes with jeweled buckles. The hats to match these costumes had pointed tops and wide brims with small gold bells around the edges. His shirts were of fine linen with frilled bosoms, and his vests were richly embroidered with colored silks. Uncle Henry decided that he would first take a bath and then dress himself in a blue satin suit that had caught his fancy. He accepted his good fortune with calm composure and refused to have a servant to assist him. But Aunt Em was "all of a flutter," as she said, and it took Dorothy and Jellia Jamb, the housekeeper, and two maids a long time to dress her and do up her hair and get her "rigged like a popinjay," as she quaintly expressed it. She wanted to stop and admire everything that caught her eye, and she sighed continually and declared that such finery was too good for an old country woman, and that she never thought she would have to "put on airs" at her time of life. Finally she was dressed, and when they went into the sitting-room there was Uncle Henry in his blue satin, walking gravely up and down the room. He had trimmed his beard and mustache and looked very dignified and respectable. "Tell me, Dorothy," he said; "do all the men here wear duds like these?" "Yes," she replied; "all 'cept the Scarecrow and the Shaggy Man--and of course the Tin Woodman and Tiktok, who are made of metal. You'll find all the men at Ozma's court dressed just as you are--only perhaps a little finer." "Henry, you look like a play-actor," announced Aunt Em, looking at her husband critically. "An' you, Em, look more highfalutin' than a peacock," he replied. "I guess you're right," she said, regretfully; "but we're helpless victims of high-toned royalty." Dorothy was much amused. [Illustration] "Come with me," she said, "and I'll show you 'round the palace." She took them through the beautiful rooms and introduced them to all the people they chanced to meet. Also she showed them her own pretty rooms, which were not far from their own. "So it's all true," said Aunt Em, wide-eyed with amazement, "and what Dorothy told us of this fairy country was plain facts instead of dreams! But where are all the strange creatures you used to know here?" "Yes; where's the Scarecrow?" inquired Uncle Henry. "Why, he's just now away on a visit to the Tin Woodman, who is Emp'ror of the Winkie Country," answered the little girl. "You'll see him when he comes back, and you're sure to like him." "And where's the Wonderful Wizard?" asked Aunt Em. "You'll see him at Ozma's luncheon, for he lives in this palace," was the reply. "And Jack Pumpkinhead?" "Oh, he lives a little way out of town, in his own pumpkin field. We'll go there some time and see him, and we'll call on Professor Wogglebug, too. The Shaggy Man will be at the luncheon, I guess, and Tiktok. And now I'll take you out to see Billina, who has a house of her own." So they went into the back yard, and after walking along winding paths some distance through the beautiful gardens they came to an attractive little house where the Yellow Hen sat on the front porch sunning herself. "Good morning, my dear Mistress," called Billina, fluttering down to meet them. "I was expecting you to call, for I heard you had come back and brought your uncle and aunt with you." "We're here for good and all, this time, Billina," cried Dorothy, joyfully. "Uncle Henry and Aunt Em belong in Oz now as much as I do!" "Then they are very lucky people," declared Billina; "for there couldn't be a nicer place to live. But come, my dear; I must show you all my Dorothys. Nine are living and have grown up to be very respectable hens; but one took cold at Ozma's birthday party and died of the pip, and the other two turned out to be horrid roosters, so I had to change their names from Dorothy to Daniel. They all had the letter 'D' engraved upon their gold lockets, you remember, with your picture inside, and 'D' stands for Daniel as well as for Dorothy." "Did you call both the roosters Daniel?" asked Uncle Henry. "Yes, indeed. I've nine Dorothys and two Daniels; and the nine Dorothys have eighty-six sons and daughters and over three hundred grandchildren," said Billina, proudly. "What names do you give 'em all, dear?" inquired the little girl. "Oh, they are all Dorothys and Daniels, some being Juniors and some Double-Juniors. Dorothy and Daniel are two good names, and I see no object in hunting for others," declared the Yellow Hen. "But just think, Dorothy, what a big chicken family we've grown to be, and our numbers increase nearly every day! Ozma doesn't know what to do with all the eggs we lay, and we are never eaten or harmed in any way, as chickens are in your country. They give us everything to make us contented and happy, and I, my dear, am the acknowledged Queen and Governor of every chicken in Oz, because I'm the eldest and started the whole colony." "You ought to be very proud, ma'am," said Uncle Henry, who was astonished to hear a hen talk so sensibly. "Oh, I am," she replied. "I've the loveliest pearl necklace you ever saw. Come in the house and I'll show it to you. And I've nine leg bracelets and a diamond pin for each wing. But I only wear them on state occasions." They followed the Yellow Hen into the house, which Aunt Em declared was neat as a pin. They could not sit down, because all Billina's chairs were roosting-poles made of silver; so they had to stand while the hen fussily showed them her treasures. Then they had to go into the back rooms occupied by Billina's nine Dorothys and two Daniels, who were all plump yellow chickens and greeted the visitors very politely. It was easy to see that they were well bred and that Billina had looked after their education. In the yards were all the children and grandchildren of these eleven elders and they were of all sizes, from well-grown hens to tiny chickens just out of the shell. About fifty fluffy yellow youngsters were at school, being taught good manners and good grammar by a young hen who wore spectacles. They sang in chorus a patriotic song of the Land of Oz, in honor of their visitors, and Aunt Em was much impressed by these talking chickens. Dorothy wanted to stay and play with the young chickens for awhile, but Uncle Henry and Aunt Em had not seen the palace grounds and gardens yet and were eager to get better acquainted with the marvelous and delightful land in which they were to live. "I'll stay here, and you can go for a walk," said Dorothy. "You'll be perfec'ly safe anywhere, and may do whatever you want to. When you get tired, go back to the palace and find your rooms, and I'll come to you before luncheon is ready." So Uncle Henry and Aunt Em started out alone to explore the grounds, and Dorothy knew that they couldn't get lost, because all the palace grounds were enclosed by a high wall of green marble set with emeralds. It was a rare treat to these simple folk, who had lived in the country all their lives and known little enjoyment of any sort, to wear beautiful clothes and live in a palace and be treated with respect and consideration by all around them. They were very happy indeed as they strolled up the shady walks and looked upon the gorgeous flowers and shrubs, feeling that their new home was more beautiful than any tongue could describe. Suddenly, as they turned a corner and walked through a gap in a high hedge, they came face to face with an enormous Lion, which crouched upon the green lawn and seemed surprised by their appearance. They stopped short, Uncle Henry trembling with horror and Aunt Em too terrified to scream. Next moment the poor woman clasped her husband around the neck and cried: "Save me, Henry, save me!" "Can't even save myself, Em," he returned, in a husky voice, "for the animile looks as if it could eat both of us, an' lick its chops for more! If I only had a gun--" "Haven't you, Henry? Haven't you?" she asked anxiously. "Nary gun, Em. So let's die as brave an' graceful as we can. I knew our luck couldn't last!" "I won't die. I won't be eaten by a lion!" wailed Aunt Em, glaring upon the huge beast. Then a thought struck her, and she whispered: "Henry, I've heard as savage beastses can be conquered by the human eye. I'll eye that lion out o' countenance an' save our lives." "Try it, Em," he returned, also in a whisper. "Look at him as you do at me when I'm late to dinner." Aunt Em turned upon the Lion a determined countenance and a wild dilated eye. She glared at the immense beast steadily, and the Lion, who had been quietly blinking at them, began to appear uneasy and disturbed. [Illustration] "Is anything the matter, ma'am?" he asked, in a mild voice. At this speech from the terrible beast Aunt Em and Uncle Henry both were startled, and then Uncle Henry remembered that this must be the Lion they had seen in Ozma's Throne Room. "Hold on, Em!" he exclaimed. "Quit the eagle eye conquest an' take courage. I guess this is the same Cowardly Lion Dorothy has told us about." "Oh, is it?" she asked, much relieved. "When he spoke, I got the idea; and when he looked so 'shamed like, I was sure of it," Uncle Henry continued. Aunt Em regarded the animal with new interest. "Are you the Cowardly Lion?" she inquired. "Are you Dorothy's friend?" "Yes'm," answered the Lion, meekly. "Dorothy and I are old chums and are very fond of each other. I'm the King of Beasts, you know, and the Hungry Tiger and I serve Princess Ozma as her body guards." "To be sure," said Aunt Em, nodding. "But the King of Beasts shouldn't be cowardly." "I've heard that said before," remarked the Lion, yawning till he showed his two great rows of sharp white teeth; "but that does not keep me from being frightened whenever I go into battle." "What do you do, run?" asked Uncle Henry. "No; that would be foolish, for the enemy would run after me," declared the Lion. "So I tremble with fear and pitch in as hard as I can; and so far I have always won my fight." "Ah, I begin to understand," said Uncle Henry. "Were you scared when I looked at you just now?" inquired Aunt Em. "Terribly scared, madam," answered the Lion, "for at first I thought you were going to have a fit. Then I noticed you were trying to overcome me by the power of your eye, and your glance was so fierce and penetrating that I shook with fear." This greatly pleased the lady, and she said quite cheerfully: "Well, I won't hurt you, so don't be scared any more. I just wanted to see what the human eye was good for." "The human eye is a fearful weapon," remarked the Lion, scratching his nose softly with his paw to hide a smile. "Had I not known you were Dorothy's friends I might have torn you both into shreds in order to escape your terrible gaze." Aunt Em shuddered at hearing this, and Uncle Henry said hastily: "I'm glad you knew us. Good morning, Mr. Lion; we'll hope to see you again--by and by--some time in the future." "Good morning," replied the Lion, squatting down upon the lawn again. "You are likely to see a good deal of me, if you live in the Land of Oz." [Illustration] _How_ THE GRAND GALLIPOOT JOINED THE NOMES CHAPTER EIGHT [Illustration] After leaving the Whimsies, Guph continued on his journey and penetrated far into the Northwest. He wanted to get to the Country of the Growleywogs, and in order to do that he must cross the Ripple Land, which was a hard thing to do. For the Ripple Land was a succession of hills and valleys, all very steep and rocky, and they changed places constantly by rippling. While Guph was climbing a hill it sank down under him and became a valley, and while he was descending into a valley it rose up and carried him to the top of a hill. This was very perplexing to the traveler, and a stranger might have thought he could never cross the Ripple Land at all. But Guph knew that if he kept steadily on he would get to the end at last; so he paid no attention to the changing hills and valleys and plodded along as calmly as if walking upon the level ground. The result of this wise persistence was that the General finally reached firmer soil and, after penetrating a dense forest, came to the Dominion of the Growleywogs. No sooner had he crossed the border of this domain when two guards seized him and carried him before the Grand Gallipoot of the Growleywogs, who scowled upon him ferociously and asked him why he dared intrude upon his territory. "I'm the Lord High General of the Invincible Army of the Nomes, and my name is Guph," was the reply. "All the world trembles when that name is mentioned." The Growleywogs gave a shout of jeering laughter at this, and one of them caught the Nome in his strong arms and tossed him high into the air. Guph was considerably shaken when he fell upon the hard ground, but he appeared to take no notice of the impertinence and composed himself to speak again to the Grand Gallipoot. "My master, King Roquat the Red, has sent me here to confer with you. He wishes your assistance to conquer the Land of Oz." Here the General paused, and the Grand Gallipoot scowled upon him more terribly than ever and said: "Go on!" The voice of the Grand Gallipoot was partly a roar and partly a growl. He mumbled his words badly and Guph had to listen carefully in order to understand him. These Growleywogs were certainly remarkable creatures. They were of gigantic size, yet were all bone and skin and muscle, there being no meat or fat upon their bodies at all. Their powerful muscles lay just underneath their skins, like bunches of tough rope, and the weakest Growleywog was so strong that he could pick up an elephant and toss it seven miles away. It seems unfortunate that strong people are usually so disagreeable and overbearing that no one cares for them. In fact, to be different from your fellow creatures is always a misfortune. The Growleywogs knew that they were disliked and avoided by every one, so they had become surly and unsociable even among themselves. Guph knew that they hated all people, including the Nomes; but he hoped to win them over, nevertheless, and knew that if he succeeded they would afford him very powerful assistance. "The Land of Oz is ruled by a namby-pamby girl who is disgustingly kind and good," he continued. "Her people are all happy and contented and have no care or worries whatever." "Go on!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. [Illustration] "Once the Nome King enslaved the Royal Family of Ev--another goody-goody lot that we detest," said the General. "But Ozma interfered, although it was none of her business, and marched her army against us. With her was a Kansas girl named Dorothy, and a Yellow Hen, and they marched directly into the Nome King's cavern. There they liberated our slaves from Ev and stole King Roquat's Magic Belt, which they carried away with them. So now our King is making a tunnel under the deadly desert, so we can march through it to the Emerald City. When we get there we mean to conquer and destroy all the land and recapture the Magic Belt." Again he paused, and again the Grand Gallipoot growled: "Go on!" Guph tried to think what to say next, and a happy thought soon occurred to him. "We want you to help us in this conquest," he announced, "for we need the mighty aid of the Growleywogs in order to make sure that we shall not be defeated. You are the strongest people in all the world, and you hate good and happy creatures as much as we Nomes do. I am sure it will be a real pleasure to you to tear down the beautiful Emerald City, and in return for your valuable assistance we will allow you to bring back to your country ten thousand people of Oz, to be your slaves." "Twenty thousand!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. "All right, we promise you twenty thousand," agreed the General. The Gallipoot made a signal and at once his attendants picked up General Guph and carried him away to a prison, where the jailor amused himself by sticking pins in the round fat body of the old Nome, to see him jump and hear him yell. But while this was going on the Grand Gallipoot was talking with his counselors, who were the most important officials of the Growleywogs. When he had stated to them the proposition of the Nome King he said: "My advice is to offer to help them. Then, when we have conquered the Land of Oz, we will take not only our twenty thousand prisoners but all the gold and jewels we want." "Let us take the Magic Belt, too," suggested one counselor. "And rob the Nome King and make him our slave," said another. "That is a good idea," declared the Grand Gallipoot. "I'd like King Roquat for my own slave. He could black my boots and bring me my porridge every morning while I am in bed." "There is a famous Scarecrow in Oz. I'll take him for my slave," said a counselor. "I'll take Tiktok, the machine man," said another. "Give me the Tin Woodman," said a third. They went on for some time, dividing up the people and the treasure of Oz in advance of the conquest. For they had no doubt at all that they would be able to destroy Ozma's domain. Were they not the strongest people in all the world? "The deadly desert has kept us out of Oz before," remarked the Grand Gallipoot, "but now that the Nome King is building a tunnel we shall get into the Emerald City very easily. So let us send the little fat General back to his King with our promise to assist him. We will not say that we intend to conquer the Nomes after we have conquered Oz, but we will do so, just the same." This plan being agreed upon, they all went home to dinner, leaving General Guph still in prison. The Nome had no idea that he had succeeded in his mission, for finding himself in prison he feared the Growleywogs intended to put him to death. By this time the jailor had tired of sticking pins in the General, and was amusing himself by carefully pulling the Nome's whiskers out by the roots, one at a time. This enjoyment was interrupted by the Grand Gallipoot sending for the prisoner. "Wait a few hours," begged the jailor. "I haven't pulled out a quarter of his whiskers yet." "If you keep the Grand Gallipoot waiting he'll break your back," declared the messenger. "Perhaps you're right," sighed the jailor. "Take the prisoner away, if you will, but I advise you to kick him at every step he takes. It will be good fun, for he is as soft as a ripe peach." [Illustration] So Guph was led away to the royal castle, where the Grand Gallipoot told him that the Growleywogs had decided to assist the Nomes in conquering the Land of Oz. "Whenever you are ready," he added, "send me word and I will march with eighteen thousand of my most powerful warriors to your aid." Guph was so delighted that he forgot all the smarting caused by the pins and the pulling of whiskers. He did not even complain of the treatment he had received, but thanked the Grand Gallipoot and hurried away upon his journey. He had now secured the assistance of the Whimsies and the Growleywogs; but his success made him long for still more allies. His own life depended upon his conquering Oz, and he said to himself: "I'll take no chances. I'll be certain of success.

wear

How many times the word 'wear' appears in the text?

CHAPTER SIX [Illustration] The new General of the Nome King's army knew perfectly well that to fail in his plans meant death for him. Yet he was not at all anxious or worried. He hated every one who was good and longed to make all who were happy unhappy. Therefore he had accepted this dangerous position as General quite willingly, feeling sure in his evil mind that he would be able to do a lot of mischief and finally conquer the Land of Oz. Yet Guph determined to be careful, and to lay his plans well, so as not to fail. He argued that only careless people fail in what they attempt to do. The mountains underneath which the Nome King's extensive caverns were located lay grouped just north of the Land of Ev, which lay directly across the deadly desert to the east of the Land of Oz. As the mountains were also on the edge of the desert the Nome King found that he had only to tunnel underneath the desert to reach Ozma's dominions. He did not wish his armies to appear above ground in the Country of the Winkies, which was the part of the Land of Oz nearest to King Roquat's own country, as then the people would give the alarm and enable Ozma to fortify the Emerald City and assemble an army. He wanted to take all the Oz people by surprise; so he decided to run the tunnel clear through to the Emerald City, where he and his hosts could break through the ground without warning and conquer the people before they had time to defend themselves. Roquat the Red began work at once upon his tunnel, setting a thousand miners at the task and building it high and broad enough for his armies to march through it with ease. The Nomes were used to making tunnels, as all the kingdom in which they lived was under ground; so they made rapid progress. While this work was going on General Guph started out alone to visit the Chief of the Whimsies. These Whimsies were curious people who lived in a retired country of their own. They had large, strong bodies, but heads so small that they were no bigger than door-knobs. Of course, such tiny heads could not contain any great amount of brains, and the Whimsies were so ashamed of their personal appearance and lack of commonsense that they wore big heads, made of pasteboard, which they fastened over their own little heads. On these pasteboard heads they sewed sheep's wool for hair, and the wool was colored many tints--pink, green and lavender being the favorite colors. The faces of these false heads were painted in many ridiculous ways, according to the whims of the owners, and these big, burly creatures looked so whimsical and absurd in their queer masks that they were called "Whimsies." They foolishly imagined that no one would suspect the little heads that were inside the imitation ones, not knowing that it is folly to try to appear otherwise than as nature has made us. The Chief of the Whimsies had as little wisdom as the others, and had been chosen chief merely because none among them was any wiser or more capable of ruling. The Whimsies were evil spirits and could not be killed. They were hated and feared by every one and were known as terrible fighters because they were so strong and muscular and had not sense enough to know when they were defeated. General Guph thought the Whimsies would be a great help to the Nomes in the conquest of Oz, for under his leadership they could be induced to fight as long so they could stand up. So he traveled to their country and asked to see the Chief, who lived in a house that had a picture of his grotesque false head painted over the doorway. The Chief's false head had blue hair, a turned-up nose, and a mouth that stretched half across the face. Big green eyes had been painted upon it, but in the center of the chin were two small holes made in the pasteboard, so that the Chief could see through them with his own tiny eyes; for when the big head was fastened upon his shoulders the eyes in his own natural head were on a level with the false chin. Said General Guph to the Chief of the Whimsies: "We Nomes are going to conquer the Land of Oz and capture our King's Magic Belt, which the Oz people stole from him. Then we are going to plunder and destroy the whole country. And we want the Whimsies to help us." "Will there be any fighting?" asked the Chief. "Plenty," replied Guph. That must have pleased the Chief, for he got up and danced around the room three times. Then he seated himself again, adjusted his false head, and said: "We have no quarrel with Ozma of Oz." "But you Whimsies love to fight, and here is a splendid chance to do so," urged Guph. "Wait till I sing a song," said the Chief. Then he lay back in his chair and sang a foolish song that did not seem to the General to mean anything, although he listened carefully. When he had finished, the Chief Whimsie looked at him through the holes in his chin and asked: "What reward will you give us if we help you?" The General was prepared for this question, for he had been thinking the matter over on his journey. People often do a good deed without hope of reward, but for an evil deed they always demand payment. [Illustration] "When we get our Magic Belt," he made reply, "our King, Roquat the Red, will use its power to give every Whimsie a natural head as big and fine as the false head he now wears. Then you will no longer be ashamed because your big strong bodies have such teenty-weenty heads." "Oh! Will you do that?" asked the Chief, eagerly. "We surely will," promised the General. "I'll talk to my people," said the Chief. So he called a meeting of all the Whimsies and told them of the offer made by the Nomes. The creatures were delighted with the bargain, and at once agreed to fight for the Nome King and help him to conquer Oz. [Illustration] One Whimsie alone seemed to have a glimmer of sense, for he asked: "Suppose we fail to capture the Magic Belt? What will happen then, and what good will all our fighting do?" But they threw him into the river for asking foolish questions, and laughed when the water ruined his pasteboard head before he could swim out again. So the compact was made and General Guph was delighted with his success in gaining such powerful allies. But there were other people, too, just as important as the Whimsies, whom the clever old Nome had determined to win to his side. [Illustration] _How_ AUNT EM CONQUERED THE LION CHAPTER SEVEN [Illustration] "These are your rooms," said Dorothy, opening a door. Aunt Em drew back at sight of the splendid furniture and draperies. "Ain't there any place to wipe my feet?" she asked. "You will soon change your slippers for new shoes," replied Dorothy. "Don't be afraid, Aunt Em. Here is where you are to live, so walk right in and make yourself at home." Aunt Em advanced hesitatingly. "It beats the Topeka Hotel!" she cried, admiringly. "But this place is too grand for us, child. Can't we have some back room in the attic, that's more in our class?" "No," said Dorothy. "You've got to live here, 'cause Ozma says so. And all the rooms in this palace are just as fine as these, and some are better. It won't do any good to fuss, Aunt Em. You've got to be swell and high-toned in the Land of Oz, whether you want to or not; so you may as well make up your mind to it." "It's hard luck," replied her aunt, looking around with an awed expression; "but folks can get used to anything, if they try. Eh, Henry?" "Why, as to that," said Uncle Henry, slowly, "I b'lieve in takin' what's pervided us, an' askin' no questions. I've traveled some, Em, in my time, and you hain't; an' that makes a difference atween us." Then Dorothy showed them through the rooms. The first was a handsome sitting-room, with windows opening upon the rose gardens. Then came separate bedrooms for Aunt Em and Uncle Henry, with a fine bathroom between them. Aunt Em had a pretty dressing room, besides, and Dorothy opened the closets and showed several exquisite costumes that had been provided for her aunt by the royal dressmakers, who had worked all night to get them ready. Everything that Aunt Em could possibly need was in the drawers and closets, and her dressing-table was covered with engraved gold toilet articles. Uncle Henry had nine suits of clothes, cut in the popular Munchkin fashion, with knee-breeches, silk stockings and low shoes with jeweled buckles. The hats to match these costumes had pointed tops and wide brims with small gold bells around the edges. His shirts were of fine linen with frilled bosoms, and his vests were richly embroidered with colored silks. Uncle Henry decided that he would first take a bath and then dress himself in a blue satin suit that had caught his fancy. He accepted his good fortune with calm composure and refused to have a servant to assist him. But Aunt Em was "all of a flutter," as she said, and it took Dorothy and Jellia Jamb, the housekeeper, and two maids a long time to dress her and do up her hair and get her "rigged like a popinjay," as she quaintly expressed it. She wanted to stop and admire everything that caught her eye, and she sighed continually and declared that such finery was too good for an old country woman, and that she never thought she would have to "put on airs" at her time of life. Finally she was dressed, and when they went into the sitting-room there was Uncle Henry in his blue satin, walking gravely up and down the room. He had trimmed his beard and mustache and looked very dignified and respectable. "Tell me, Dorothy," he said; "do all the men here wear duds like these?" "Yes," she replied; "all 'cept the Scarecrow and the Shaggy Man--and of course the Tin Woodman and Tiktok, who are made of metal. You'll find all the men at Ozma's court dressed just as you are--only perhaps a little finer." "Henry, you look like a play-actor," announced Aunt Em, looking at her husband critically. "An' you, Em, look more highfalutin' than a peacock," he replied. "I guess you're right," she said, regretfully; "but we're helpless victims of high-toned royalty." Dorothy was much amused. [Illustration] "Come with me," she said, "and I'll show you 'round the palace." She took them through the beautiful rooms and introduced them to all the people they chanced to meet. Also she showed them her own pretty rooms, which were not far from their own. "So it's all true," said Aunt Em, wide-eyed with amazement, "and what Dorothy told us of this fairy country was plain facts instead of dreams! But where are all the strange creatures you used to know here?" "Yes; where's the Scarecrow?" inquired Uncle Henry. "Why, he's just now away on a visit to the Tin Woodman, who is Emp'ror of the Winkie Country," answered the little girl. "You'll see him when he comes back, and you're sure to like him." "And where's the Wonderful Wizard?" asked Aunt Em. "You'll see him at Ozma's luncheon, for he lives in this palace," was the reply. "And Jack Pumpkinhead?" "Oh, he lives a little way out of town, in his own pumpkin field. We'll go there some time and see him, and we'll call on Professor Wogglebug, too. The Shaggy Man will be at the luncheon, I guess, and Tiktok. And now I'll take you out to see Billina, who has a house of her own." So they went into the back yard, and after walking along winding paths some distance through the beautiful gardens they came to an attractive little house where the Yellow Hen sat on the front porch sunning herself. "Good morning, my dear Mistress," called Billina, fluttering down to meet them. "I was expecting you to call, for I heard you had come back and brought your uncle and aunt with you." "We're here for good and all, this time, Billina," cried Dorothy, joyfully. "Uncle Henry and Aunt Em belong in Oz now as much as I do!" "Then they are very lucky people," declared Billina; "for there couldn't be a nicer place to live. But come, my dear; I must show you all my Dorothys. Nine are living and have grown up to be very respectable hens; but one took cold at Ozma's birthday party and died of the pip, and the other two turned out to be horrid roosters, so I had to change their names from Dorothy to Daniel. They all had the letter 'D' engraved upon their gold lockets, you remember, with your picture inside, and 'D' stands for Daniel as well as for Dorothy." "Did you call both the roosters Daniel?" asked Uncle Henry. "Yes, indeed. I've nine Dorothys and two Daniels; and the nine Dorothys have eighty-six sons and daughters and over three hundred grandchildren," said Billina, proudly. "What names do you give 'em all, dear?" inquired the little girl. "Oh, they are all Dorothys and Daniels, some being Juniors and some Double-Juniors. Dorothy and Daniel are two good names, and I see no object in hunting for others," declared the Yellow Hen. "But just think, Dorothy, what a big chicken family we've grown to be, and our numbers increase nearly every day! Ozma doesn't know what to do with all the eggs we lay, and we are never eaten or harmed in any way, as chickens are in your country. They give us everything to make us contented and happy, and I, my dear, am the acknowledged Queen and Governor of every chicken in Oz, because I'm the eldest and started the whole colony." "You ought to be very proud, ma'am," said Uncle Henry, who was astonished to hear a hen talk so sensibly. "Oh, I am," she replied. "I've the loveliest pearl necklace you ever saw. Come in the house and I'll show it to you. And I've nine leg bracelets and a diamond pin for each wing. But I only wear them on state occasions." They followed the Yellow Hen into the house, which Aunt Em declared was neat as a pin. They could not sit down, because all Billina's chairs were roosting-poles made of silver; so they had to stand while the hen fussily showed them her treasures. Then they had to go into the back rooms occupied by Billina's nine Dorothys and two Daniels, who were all plump yellow chickens and greeted the visitors very politely. It was easy to see that they were well bred and that Billina had looked after their education. In the yards were all the children and grandchildren of these eleven elders and they were of all sizes, from well-grown hens to tiny chickens just out of the shell. About fifty fluffy yellow youngsters were at school, being taught good manners and good grammar by a young hen who wore spectacles. They sang in chorus a patriotic song of the Land of Oz, in honor of their visitors, and Aunt Em was much impressed by these talking chickens. Dorothy wanted to stay and play with the young chickens for awhile, but Uncle Henry and Aunt Em had not seen the palace grounds and gardens yet and were eager to get better acquainted with the marvelous and delightful land in which they were to live. "I'll stay here, and you can go for a walk," said Dorothy. "You'll be perfec'ly safe anywhere, and may do whatever you want to. When you get tired, go back to the palace and find your rooms, and I'll come to you before luncheon is ready." So Uncle Henry and Aunt Em started out alone to explore the grounds, and Dorothy knew that they couldn't get lost, because all the palace grounds were enclosed by a high wall of green marble set with emeralds. It was a rare treat to these simple folk, who had lived in the country all their lives and known little enjoyment of any sort, to wear beautiful clothes and live in a palace and be treated with respect and consideration by all around them. They were very happy indeed as they strolled up the shady walks and looked upon the gorgeous flowers and shrubs, feeling that their new home was more beautiful than any tongue could describe. Suddenly, as they turned a corner and walked through a gap in a high hedge, they came face to face with an enormous Lion, which crouched upon the green lawn and seemed surprised by their appearance. They stopped short, Uncle Henry trembling with horror and Aunt Em too terrified to scream. Next moment the poor woman clasped her husband around the neck and cried: "Save me, Henry, save me!" "Can't even save myself, Em," he returned, in a husky voice, "for the animile looks as if it could eat both of us, an' lick its chops for more! If I only had a gun--" "Haven't you, Henry? Haven't you?" she asked anxiously. "Nary gun, Em. So let's die as brave an' graceful as we can. I knew our luck couldn't last!" "I won't die. I won't be eaten by a lion!" wailed Aunt Em, glaring upon the huge beast. Then a thought struck her, and she whispered: "Henry, I've heard as savage beastses can be conquered by the human eye. I'll eye that lion out o' countenance an' save our lives." "Try it, Em," he returned, also in a whisper. "Look at him as you do at me when I'm late to dinner." Aunt Em turned upon the Lion a determined countenance and a wild dilated eye. She glared at the immense beast steadily, and the Lion, who had been quietly blinking at them, began to appear uneasy and disturbed. [Illustration] "Is anything the matter, ma'am?" he asked, in a mild voice. At this speech from the terrible beast Aunt Em and Uncle Henry both were startled, and then Uncle Henry remembered that this must be the Lion they had seen in Ozma's Throne Room. "Hold on, Em!" he exclaimed. "Quit the eagle eye conquest an' take courage. I guess this is the same Cowardly Lion Dorothy has told us about." "Oh, is it?" she asked, much relieved. "When he spoke, I got the idea; and when he looked so 'shamed like, I was sure of it," Uncle Henry continued. Aunt Em regarded the animal with new interest. "Are you the Cowardly Lion?" she inquired. "Are you Dorothy's friend?" "Yes'm," answered the Lion, meekly. "Dorothy and I are old chums and are very fond of each other. I'm the King of Beasts, you know, and the Hungry Tiger and I serve Princess Ozma as her body guards." "To be sure," said Aunt Em, nodding. "But the King of Beasts shouldn't be cowardly." "I've heard that said before," remarked the Lion, yawning till he showed his two great rows of sharp white teeth; "but that does not keep me from being frightened whenever I go into battle." "What do you do, run?" asked Uncle Henry. "No; that would be foolish, for the enemy would run after me," declared the Lion. "So I tremble with fear and pitch in as hard as I can; and so far I have always won my fight." "Ah, I begin to understand," said Uncle Henry. "Were you scared when I looked at you just now?" inquired Aunt Em. "Terribly scared, madam," answered the Lion, "for at first I thought you were going to have a fit. Then I noticed you were trying to overcome me by the power of your eye, and your glance was so fierce and penetrating that I shook with fear." This greatly pleased the lady, and she said quite cheerfully: "Well, I won't hurt you, so don't be scared any more. I just wanted to see what the human eye was good for." "The human eye is a fearful weapon," remarked the Lion, scratching his nose softly with his paw to hide a smile. "Had I not known you were Dorothy's friends I might have torn you both into shreds in order to escape your terrible gaze." Aunt Em shuddered at hearing this, and Uncle Henry said hastily: "I'm glad you knew us. Good morning, Mr. Lion; we'll hope to see you again--by and by--some time in the future." "Good morning," replied the Lion, squatting down upon the lawn again. "You are likely to see a good deal of me, if you live in the Land of Oz." [Illustration] _How_ THE GRAND GALLIPOOT JOINED THE NOMES CHAPTER EIGHT [Illustration] After leaving the Whimsies, Guph continued on his journey and penetrated far into the Northwest. He wanted to get to the Country of the Growleywogs, and in order to do that he must cross the Ripple Land, which was a hard thing to do. For the Ripple Land was a succession of hills and valleys, all very steep and rocky, and they changed places constantly by rippling. While Guph was climbing a hill it sank down under him and became a valley, and while he was descending into a valley it rose up and carried him to the top of a hill. This was very perplexing to the traveler, and a stranger might have thought he could never cross the Ripple Land at all. But Guph knew that if he kept steadily on he would get to the end at last; so he paid no attention to the changing hills and valleys and plodded along as calmly as if walking upon the level ground. The result of this wise persistence was that the General finally reached firmer soil and, after penetrating a dense forest, came to the Dominion of the Growleywogs. No sooner had he crossed the border of this domain when two guards seized him and carried him before the Grand Gallipoot of the Growleywogs, who scowled upon him ferociously and asked him why he dared intrude upon his territory. "I'm the Lord High General of the Invincible Army of the Nomes, and my name is Guph," was the reply. "All the world trembles when that name is mentioned." The Growleywogs gave a shout of jeering laughter at this, and one of them caught the Nome in his strong arms and tossed him high into the air. Guph was considerably shaken when he fell upon the hard ground, but he appeared to take no notice of the impertinence and composed himself to speak again to the Grand Gallipoot. "My master, King Roquat the Red, has sent me here to confer with you. He wishes your assistance to conquer the Land of Oz." Here the General paused, and the Grand Gallipoot scowled upon him more terribly than ever and said: "Go on!" The voice of the Grand Gallipoot was partly a roar and partly a growl. He mumbled his words badly and Guph had to listen carefully in order to understand him. These Growleywogs were certainly remarkable creatures. They were of gigantic size, yet were all bone and skin and muscle, there being no meat or fat upon their bodies at all. Their powerful muscles lay just underneath their skins, like bunches of tough rope, and the weakest Growleywog was so strong that he could pick up an elephant and toss it seven miles away. It seems unfortunate that strong people are usually so disagreeable and overbearing that no one cares for them. In fact, to be different from your fellow creatures is always a misfortune. The Growleywogs knew that they were disliked and avoided by every one, so they had become surly and unsociable even among themselves. Guph knew that they hated all people, including the Nomes; but he hoped to win them over, nevertheless, and knew that if he succeeded they would afford him very powerful assistance. "The Land of Oz is ruled by a namby-pamby girl who is disgustingly kind and good," he continued. "Her people are all happy and contented and have no care or worries whatever." "Go on!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. [Illustration] "Once the Nome King enslaved the Royal Family of Ev--another goody-goody lot that we detest," said the General. "But Ozma interfered, although it was none of her business, and marched her army against us. With her was a Kansas girl named Dorothy, and a Yellow Hen, and they marched directly into the Nome King's cavern. There they liberated our slaves from Ev and stole King Roquat's Magic Belt, which they carried away with them. So now our King is making a tunnel under the deadly desert, so we can march through it to the Emerald City. When we get there we mean to conquer and destroy all the land and recapture the Magic Belt." Again he paused, and again the Grand Gallipoot growled: "Go on!" Guph tried to think what to say next, and a happy thought soon occurred to him. "We want you to help us in this conquest," he announced, "for we need the mighty aid of the Growleywogs in order to make sure that we shall not be defeated. You are the strongest people in all the world, and you hate good and happy creatures as much as we Nomes do. I am sure it will be a real pleasure to you to tear down the beautiful Emerald City, and in return for your valuable assistance we will allow you to bring back to your country ten thousand people of Oz, to be your slaves." "Twenty thousand!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. "All right, we promise you twenty thousand," agreed the General. The Gallipoot made a signal and at once his attendants picked up General Guph and carried him away to a prison, where the jailor amused himself by sticking pins in the round fat body of the old Nome, to see him jump and hear him yell. But while this was going on the Grand Gallipoot was talking with his counselors, who were the most important officials of the Growleywogs. When he had stated to them the proposition of the Nome King he said: "My advice is to offer to help them. Then, when we have conquered the Land of Oz, we will take not only our twenty thousand prisoners but all the gold and jewels we want." "Let us take the Magic Belt, too," suggested one counselor. "And rob the Nome King and make him our slave," said another. "That is a good idea," declared the Grand Gallipoot. "I'd like King Roquat for my own slave. He could black my boots and bring me my porridge every morning while I am in bed." "There is a famous Scarecrow in Oz. I'll take him for my slave," said a counselor. "I'll take Tiktok, the machine man," said another. "Give me the Tin Woodman," said a third. They went on for some time, dividing up the people and the treasure of Oz in advance of the conquest. For they had no doubt at all that they would be able to destroy Ozma's domain. Were they not the strongest people in all the world? "The deadly desert has kept us out of Oz before," remarked the Grand Gallipoot, "but now that the Nome King is building a tunnel we shall get into the Emerald City very easily. So let us send the little fat General back to his King with our promise to assist him. We will not say that we intend to conquer the Nomes after we have conquered Oz, but we will do so, just the same." This plan being agreed upon, they all went home to dinner, leaving General Guph still in prison. The Nome had no idea that he had succeeded in his mission, for finding himself in prison he feared the Growleywogs intended to put him to death. By this time the jailor had tired of sticking pins in the General, and was amusing himself by carefully pulling the Nome's whiskers out by the roots, one at a time. This enjoyment was interrupted by the Grand Gallipoot sending for the prisoner. "Wait a few hours," begged the jailor. "I haven't pulled out a quarter of his whiskers yet." "If you keep the Grand Gallipoot waiting he'll break your back," declared the messenger. "Perhaps you're right," sighed the jailor. "Take the prisoner away, if you will, but I advise you to kick him at every step he takes. It will be good fun, for he is as soft as a ripe peach." [Illustration] So Guph was led away to the royal castle, where the Grand Gallipoot told him that the Growleywogs had decided to assist the Nomes in conquering the Land of Oz. "Whenever you are ready," he added, "send me word and I will march with eighteen thousand of my most powerful warriors to your aid." Guph was so delighted that he forgot all the smarting caused by the pins and the pulling of whiskers. He did not even complain of the treatment he had received, but thanked the Grand Gallipoot and hurried away upon his journey. He had now secured the assistance of the Whimsies and the Growleywogs; but his success made him long for still more allies. His own life depended upon his conquering Oz, and he said to himself: "I'll take no chances. I'll be certain of success.

swarm

How many times the word 'swarm' appears in the text?

CHAPTER SIX [Illustration] The new General of the Nome King's army knew perfectly well that to fail in his plans meant death for him. Yet he was not at all anxious or worried. He hated every one who was good and longed to make all who were happy unhappy. Therefore he had accepted this dangerous position as General quite willingly, feeling sure in his evil mind that he would be able to do a lot of mischief and finally conquer the Land of Oz. Yet Guph determined to be careful, and to lay his plans well, so as not to fail. He argued that only careless people fail in what they attempt to do. The mountains underneath which the Nome King's extensive caverns were located lay grouped just north of the Land of Ev, which lay directly across the deadly desert to the east of the Land of Oz. As the mountains were also on the edge of the desert the Nome King found that he had only to tunnel underneath the desert to reach Ozma's dominions. He did not wish his armies to appear above ground in the Country of the Winkies, which was the part of the Land of Oz nearest to King Roquat's own country, as then the people would give the alarm and enable Ozma to fortify the Emerald City and assemble an army. He wanted to take all the Oz people by surprise; so he decided to run the tunnel clear through to the Emerald City, where he and his hosts could break through the ground without warning and conquer the people before they had time to defend themselves. Roquat the Red began work at once upon his tunnel, setting a thousand miners at the task and building it high and broad enough for his armies to march through it with ease. The Nomes were used to making tunnels, as all the kingdom in which they lived was under ground; so they made rapid progress. While this work was going on General Guph started out alone to visit the Chief of the Whimsies. These Whimsies were curious people who lived in a retired country of their own. They had large, strong bodies, but heads so small that they were no bigger than door-knobs. Of course, such tiny heads could not contain any great amount of brains, and the Whimsies were so ashamed of their personal appearance and lack of commonsense that they wore big heads, made of pasteboard, which they fastened over their own little heads. On these pasteboard heads they sewed sheep's wool for hair, and the wool was colored many tints--pink, green and lavender being the favorite colors. The faces of these false heads were painted in many ridiculous ways, according to the whims of the owners, and these big, burly creatures looked so whimsical and absurd in their queer masks that they were called "Whimsies." They foolishly imagined that no one would suspect the little heads that were inside the imitation ones, not knowing that it is folly to try to appear otherwise than as nature has made us. The Chief of the Whimsies had as little wisdom as the others, and had been chosen chief merely because none among them was any wiser or more capable of ruling. The Whimsies were evil spirits and could not be killed. They were hated and feared by every one and were known as terrible fighters because they were so strong and muscular and had not sense enough to know when they were defeated. General Guph thought the Whimsies would be a great help to the Nomes in the conquest of Oz, for under his leadership they could be induced to fight as long so they could stand up. So he traveled to their country and asked to see the Chief, who lived in a house that had a picture of his grotesque false head painted over the doorway. The Chief's false head had blue hair, a turned-up nose, and a mouth that stretched half across the face. Big green eyes had been painted upon it, but in the center of the chin were two small holes made in the pasteboard, so that the Chief could see through them with his own tiny eyes; for when the big head was fastened upon his shoulders the eyes in his own natural head were on a level with the false chin. Said General Guph to the Chief of the Whimsies: "We Nomes are going to conquer the Land of Oz and capture our King's Magic Belt, which the Oz people stole from him. Then we are going to plunder and destroy the whole country. And we want the Whimsies to help us." "Will there be any fighting?" asked the Chief. "Plenty," replied Guph. That must have pleased the Chief, for he got up and danced around the room three times. Then he seated himself again, adjusted his false head, and said: "We have no quarrel with Ozma of Oz." "But you Whimsies love to fight, and here is a splendid chance to do so," urged Guph. "Wait till I sing a song," said the Chief. Then he lay back in his chair and sang a foolish song that did not seem to the General to mean anything, although he listened carefully. When he had finished, the Chief Whimsie looked at him through the holes in his chin and asked: "What reward will you give us if we help you?" The General was prepared for this question, for he had been thinking the matter over on his journey. People often do a good deed without hope of reward, but for an evil deed they always demand payment. [Illustration] "When we get our Magic Belt," he made reply, "our King, Roquat the Red, will use its power to give every Whimsie a natural head as big and fine as the false head he now wears. Then you will no longer be ashamed because your big strong bodies have such teenty-weenty heads." "Oh! Will you do that?" asked the Chief, eagerly. "We surely will," promised the General. "I'll talk to my people," said the Chief. So he called a meeting of all the Whimsies and told them of the offer made by the Nomes. The creatures were delighted with the bargain, and at once agreed to fight for the Nome King and help him to conquer Oz. [Illustration] One Whimsie alone seemed to have a glimmer of sense, for he asked: "Suppose we fail to capture the Magic Belt? What will happen then, and what good will all our fighting do?" But they threw him into the river for asking foolish questions, and laughed when the water ruined his pasteboard head before he could swim out again. So the compact was made and General Guph was delighted with his success in gaining such powerful allies. But there were other people, too, just as important as the Whimsies, whom the clever old Nome had determined to win to his side. [Illustration] _How_ AUNT EM CONQUERED THE LION CHAPTER SEVEN [Illustration] "These are your rooms," said Dorothy, opening a door. Aunt Em drew back at sight of the splendid furniture and draperies. "Ain't there any place to wipe my feet?" she asked. "You will soon change your slippers for new shoes," replied Dorothy. "Don't be afraid, Aunt Em. Here is where you are to live, so walk right in and make yourself at home." Aunt Em advanced hesitatingly. "It beats the Topeka Hotel!" she cried, admiringly. "But this place is too grand for us, child. Can't we have some back room in the attic, that's more in our class?" "No," said Dorothy. "You've got to live here, 'cause Ozma says so. And all the rooms in this palace are just as fine as these, and some are better. It won't do any good to fuss, Aunt Em. You've got to be swell and high-toned in the Land of Oz, whether you want to or not; so you may as well make up your mind to it." "It's hard luck," replied her aunt, looking around with an awed expression; "but folks can get used to anything, if they try. Eh, Henry?" "Why, as to that," said Uncle Henry, slowly, "I b'lieve in takin' what's pervided us, an' askin' no questions. I've traveled some, Em, in my time, and you hain't; an' that makes a difference atween us." Then Dorothy showed them through the rooms. The first was a handsome sitting-room, with windows opening upon the rose gardens. Then came separate bedrooms for Aunt Em and Uncle Henry, with a fine bathroom between them. Aunt Em had a pretty dressing room, besides, and Dorothy opened the closets and showed several exquisite costumes that had been provided for her aunt by the royal dressmakers, who had worked all night to get them ready. Everything that Aunt Em could possibly need was in the drawers and closets, and her dressing-table was covered with engraved gold toilet articles. Uncle Henry had nine suits of clothes, cut in the popular Munchkin fashion, with knee-breeches, silk stockings and low shoes with jeweled buckles. The hats to match these costumes had pointed tops and wide brims with small gold bells around the edges. His shirts were of fine linen with frilled bosoms, and his vests were richly embroidered with colored silks. Uncle Henry decided that he would first take a bath and then dress himself in a blue satin suit that had caught his fancy. He accepted his good fortune with calm composure and refused to have a servant to assist him. But Aunt Em was "all of a flutter," as she said, and it took Dorothy and Jellia Jamb, the housekeeper, and two maids a long time to dress her and do up her hair and get her "rigged like a popinjay," as she quaintly expressed it. She wanted to stop and admire everything that caught her eye, and she sighed continually and declared that such finery was too good for an old country woman, and that she never thought she would have to "put on airs" at her time of life. Finally she was dressed, and when they went into the sitting-room there was Uncle Henry in his blue satin, walking gravely up and down the room. He had trimmed his beard and mustache and looked very dignified and respectable. "Tell me, Dorothy," he said; "do all the men here wear duds like these?" "Yes," she replied; "all 'cept the Scarecrow and the Shaggy Man--and of course the Tin Woodman and Tiktok, who are made of metal. You'll find all the men at Ozma's court dressed just as you are--only perhaps a little finer." "Henry, you look like a play-actor," announced Aunt Em, looking at her husband critically. "An' you, Em, look more highfalutin' than a peacock," he replied. "I guess you're right," she said, regretfully; "but we're helpless victims of high-toned royalty." Dorothy was much amused. [Illustration] "Come with me," she said, "and I'll show you 'round the palace." She took them through the beautiful rooms and introduced them to all the people they chanced to meet. Also she showed them her own pretty rooms, which were not far from their own. "So it's all true," said Aunt Em, wide-eyed with amazement, "and what Dorothy told us of this fairy country was plain facts instead of dreams! But where are all the strange creatures you used to know here?" "Yes; where's the Scarecrow?" inquired Uncle Henry. "Why, he's just now away on a visit to the Tin Woodman, who is Emp'ror of the Winkie Country," answered the little girl. "You'll see him when he comes back, and you're sure to like him." "And where's the Wonderful Wizard?" asked Aunt Em. "You'll see him at Ozma's luncheon, for he lives in this palace," was the reply. "And Jack Pumpkinhead?" "Oh, he lives a little way out of town, in his own pumpkin field. We'll go there some time and see him, and we'll call on Professor Wogglebug, too. The Shaggy Man will be at the luncheon, I guess, and Tiktok. And now I'll take you out to see Billina, who has a house of her own." So they went into the back yard, and after walking along winding paths some distance through the beautiful gardens they came to an attractive little house where the Yellow Hen sat on the front porch sunning herself. "Good morning, my dear Mistress," called Billina, fluttering down to meet them. "I was expecting you to call, for I heard you had come back and brought your uncle and aunt with you." "We're here for good and all, this time, Billina," cried Dorothy, joyfully. "Uncle Henry and Aunt Em belong in Oz now as much as I do!" "Then they are very lucky people," declared Billina; "for there couldn't be a nicer place to live. But come, my dear; I must show you all my Dorothys. Nine are living and have grown up to be very respectable hens; but one took cold at Ozma's birthday party and died of the pip, and the other two turned out to be horrid roosters, so I had to change their names from Dorothy to Daniel. They all had the letter 'D' engraved upon their gold lockets, you remember, with your picture inside, and 'D' stands for Daniel as well as for Dorothy." "Did you call both the roosters Daniel?" asked Uncle Henry. "Yes, indeed. I've nine Dorothys and two Daniels; and the nine Dorothys have eighty-six sons and daughters and over three hundred grandchildren," said Billina, proudly. "What names do you give 'em all, dear?" inquired the little girl. "Oh, they are all Dorothys and Daniels, some being Juniors and some Double-Juniors. Dorothy and Daniel are two good names, and I see no object in hunting for others," declared the Yellow Hen. "But just think, Dorothy, what a big chicken family we've grown to be, and our numbers increase nearly every day! Ozma doesn't know what to do with all the eggs we lay, and we are never eaten or harmed in any way, as chickens are in your country. They give us everything to make us contented and happy, and I, my dear, am the acknowledged Queen and Governor of every chicken in Oz, because I'm the eldest and started the whole colony." "You ought to be very proud, ma'am," said Uncle Henry, who was astonished to hear a hen talk so sensibly. "Oh, I am," she replied. "I've the loveliest pearl necklace you ever saw. Come in the house and I'll show it to you. And I've nine leg bracelets and a diamond pin for each wing. But I only wear them on state occasions." They followed the Yellow Hen into the house, which Aunt Em declared was neat as a pin. They could not sit down, because all Billina's chairs were roosting-poles made of silver; so they had to stand while the hen fussily showed them her treasures. Then they had to go into the back rooms occupied by Billina's nine Dorothys and two Daniels, who were all plump yellow chickens and greeted the visitors very politely. It was easy to see that they were well bred and that Billina had looked after their education. In the yards were all the children and grandchildren of these eleven elders and they were of all sizes, from well-grown hens to tiny chickens just out of the shell. About fifty fluffy yellow youngsters were at school, being taught good manners and good grammar by a young hen who wore spectacles. They sang in chorus a patriotic song of the Land of Oz, in honor of their visitors, and Aunt Em was much impressed by these talking chickens. Dorothy wanted to stay and play with the young chickens for awhile, but Uncle Henry and Aunt Em had not seen the palace grounds and gardens yet and were eager to get better acquainted with the marvelous and delightful land in which they were to live. "I'll stay here, and you can go for a walk," said Dorothy. "You'll be perfec'ly safe anywhere, and may do whatever you want to. When you get tired, go back to the palace and find your rooms, and I'll come to you before luncheon is ready." So Uncle Henry and Aunt Em started out alone to explore the grounds, and Dorothy knew that they couldn't get lost, because all the palace grounds were enclosed by a high wall of green marble set with emeralds. It was a rare treat to these simple folk, who had lived in the country all their lives and known little enjoyment of any sort, to wear beautiful clothes and live in a palace and be treated with respect and consideration by all around them. They were very happy indeed as they strolled up the shady walks and looked upon the gorgeous flowers and shrubs, feeling that their new home was more beautiful than any tongue could describe. Suddenly, as they turned a corner and walked through a gap in a high hedge, they came face to face with an enormous Lion, which crouched upon the green lawn and seemed surprised by their appearance. They stopped short, Uncle Henry trembling with horror and Aunt Em too terrified to scream. Next moment the poor woman clasped her husband around the neck and cried: "Save me, Henry, save me!" "Can't even save myself, Em," he returned, in a husky voice, "for the animile looks as if it could eat both of us, an' lick its chops for more! If I only had a gun--" "Haven't you, Henry? Haven't you?" she asked anxiously. "Nary gun, Em. So let's die as brave an' graceful as we can. I knew our luck couldn't last!" "I won't die. I won't be eaten by a lion!" wailed Aunt Em, glaring upon the huge beast. Then a thought struck her, and she whispered: "Henry, I've heard as savage beastses can be conquered by the human eye. I'll eye that lion out o' countenance an' save our lives." "Try it, Em," he returned, also in a whisper. "Look at him as you do at me when I'm late to dinner." Aunt Em turned upon the Lion a determined countenance and a wild dilated eye. She glared at the immense beast steadily, and the Lion, who had been quietly blinking at them, began to appear uneasy and disturbed. [Illustration] "Is anything the matter, ma'am?" he asked, in a mild voice. At this speech from the terrible beast Aunt Em and Uncle Henry both were startled, and then Uncle Henry remembered that this must be the Lion they had seen in Ozma's Throne Room. "Hold on, Em!" he exclaimed. "Quit the eagle eye conquest an' take courage. I guess this is the same Cowardly Lion Dorothy has told us about." "Oh, is it?" she asked, much relieved. "When he spoke, I got the idea; and when he looked so 'shamed like, I was sure of it," Uncle Henry continued. Aunt Em regarded the animal with new interest. "Are you the Cowardly Lion?" she inquired. "Are you Dorothy's friend?" "Yes'm," answered the Lion, meekly. "Dorothy and I are old chums and are very fond of each other. I'm the King of Beasts, you know, and the Hungry Tiger and I serve Princess Ozma as her body guards." "To be sure," said Aunt Em, nodding. "But the King of Beasts shouldn't be cowardly." "I've heard that said before," remarked the Lion, yawning till he showed his two great rows of sharp white teeth; "but that does not keep me from being frightened whenever I go into battle." "What do you do, run?" asked Uncle Henry. "No; that would be foolish, for the enemy would run after me," declared the Lion. "So I tremble with fear and pitch in as hard as I can; and so far I have always won my fight." "Ah, I begin to understand," said Uncle Henry. "Were you scared when I looked at you just now?" inquired Aunt Em. "Terribly scared, madam," answered the Lion, "for at first I thought you were going to have a fit. Then I noticed you were trying to overcome me by the power of your eye, and your glance was so fierce and penetrating that I shook with fear." This greatly pleased the lady, and she said quite cheerfully: "Well, I won't hurt you, so don't be scared any more. I just wanted to see what the human eye was good for." "The human eye is a fearful weapon," remarked the Lion, scratching his nose softly with his paw to hide a smile. "Had I not known you were Dorothy's friends I might have torn you both into shreds in order to escape your terrible gaze." Aunt Em shuddered at hearing this, and Uncle Henry said hastily: "I'm glad you knew us. Good morning, Mr. Lion; we'll hope to see you again--by and by--some time in the future." "Good morning," replied the Lion, squatting down upon the lawn again. "You are likely to see a good deal of me, if you live in the Land of Oz." [Illustration] _How_ THE GRAND GALLIPOOT JOINED THE NOMES CHAPTER EIGHT [Illustration] After leaving the Whimsies, Guph continued on his journey and penetrated far into the Northwest. He wanted to get to the Country of the Growleywogs, and in order to do that he must cross the Ripple Land, which was a hard thing to do. For the Ripple Land was a succession of hills and valleys, all very steep and rocky, and they changed places constantly by rippling. While Guph was climbing a hill it sank down under him and became a valley, and while he was descending into a valley it rose up and carried him to the top of a hill. This was very perplexing to the traveler, and a stranger might have thought he could never cross the Ripple Land at all. But Guph knew that if he kept steadily on he would get to the end at last; so he paid no attention to the changing hills and valleys and plodded along as calmly as if walking upon the level ground. The result of this wise persistence was that the General finally reached firmer soil and, after penetrating a dense forest, came to the Dominion of the Growleywogs. No sooner had he crossed the border of this domain when two guards seized him and carried him before the Grand Gallipoot of the Growleywogs, who scowled upon him ferociously and asked him why he dared intrude upon his territory. "I'm the Lord High General of the Invincible Army of the Nomes, and my name is Guph," was the reply. "All the world trembles when that name is mentioned." The Growleywogs gave a shout of jeering laughter at this, and one of them caught the Nome in his strong arms and tossed him high into the air. Guph was considerably shaken when he fell upon the hard ground, but he appeared to take no notice of the impertinence and composed himself to speak again to the Grand Gallipoot. "My master, King Roquat the Red, has sent me here to confer with you. He wishes your assistance to conquer the Land of Oz." Here the General paused, and the Grand Gallipoot scowled upon him more terribly than ever and said: "Go on!" The voice of the Grand Gallipoot was partly a roar and partly a growl. He mumbled his words badly and Guph had to listen carefully in order to understand him. These Growleywogs were certainly remarkable creatures. They were of gigantic size, yet were all bone and skin and muscle, there being no meat or fat upon their bodies at all. Their powerful muscles lay just underneath their skins, like bunches of tough rope, and the weakest Growleywog was so strong that he could pick up an elephant and toss it seven miles away. It seems unfortunate that strong people are usually so disagreeable and overbearing that no one cares for them. In fact, to be different from your fellow creatures is always a misfortune. The Growleywogs knew that they were disliked and avoided by every one, so they had become surly and unsociable even among themselves. Guph knew that they hated all people, including the Nomes; but he hoped to win them over, nevertheless, and knew that if he succeeded they would afford him very powerful assistance. "The Land of Oz is ruled by a namby-pamby girl who is disgustingly kind and good," he continued. "Her people are all happy and contented and have no care or worries whatever." "Go on!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. [Illustration] "Once the Nome King enslaved the Royal Family of Ev--another goody-goody lot that we detest," said the General. "But Ozma interfered, although it was none of her business, and marched her army against us. With her was a Kansas girl named Dorothy, and a Yellow Hen, and they marched directly into the Nome King's cavern. There they liberated our slaves from Ev and stole King Roquat's Magic Belt, which they carried away with them. So now our King is making a tunnel under the deadly desert, so we can march through it to the Emerald City. When we get there we mean to conquer and destroy all the land and recapture the Magic Belt." Again he paused, and again the Grand Gallipoot growled: "Go on!" Guph tried to think what to say next, and a happy thought soon occurred to him. "We want you to help us in this conquest," he announced, "for we need the mighty aid of the Growleywogs in order to make sure that we shall not be defeated. You are the strongest people in all the world, and you hate good and happy creatures as much as we Nomes do. I am sure it will be a real pleasure to you to tear down the beautiful Emerald City, and in return for your valuable assistance we will allow you to bring back to your country ten thousand people of Oz, to be your slaves." "Twenty thousand!" growled the Grand Gallipoot. "All right, we promise you twenty thousand," agreed the General. The Gallipoot made a signal and at once his attendants picked up General Guph and carried him away to a prison, where the jailor amused himself by sticking pins in the round fat body of the old Nome, to see him jump and hear him yell. But while this was going on the Grand Gallipoot was talking with his counselors, who were the most important officials of the Growleywogs. When he had stated to them the proposition of the Nome King he said: "My advice is to offer to help them. Then, when we have conquered the Land of Oz, we will take not only our twenty thousand prisoners but all the gold and jewels we want." "Let us take the Magic Belt, too," suggested one counselor. "And rob the Nome King and make him our slave," said another. "That is a good idea," declared the Grand Gallipoot. "I'd like King Roquat for my own slave. He could black my boots and bring me my porridge every morning while I am in bed." "There is a famous Scarecrow in Oz. I'll take him for my slave," said a counselor. "I'll take Tiktok, the machine man," said another. "Give me the Tin Woodman," said a third. They went on for some time, dividing up the people and the treasure of Oz in advance of the conquest. For they had no doubt at all that they would be able to destroy Ozma's domain. Were they not the strongest people in all the world? "The deadly desert has kept us out of Oz before," remarked the Grand Gallipoot, "but now that the Nome King is building a tunnel we shall get into the Emerald City very easily. So let us send the little fat General back to his King with our promise to assist him. We will not say that we intend to conquer the Nomes after we have conquered Oz, but we will do so, just the same." This plan being agreed upon, they all went home to dinner, leaving General Guph still in prison. The Nome had no idea that he had succeeded in his mission, for finding himself in prison he feared the Growleywogs intended to put him to death. By this time the jailor had tired of sticking pins in the General, and was amusing himself by carefully pulling the Nome's whiskers out by the roots, one at a time. This enjoyment was interrupted by the Grand Gallipoot sending for the prisoner. "Wait a few hours," begged the jailor. "I haven't pulled out a quarter of his whiskers yet." "If you keep the Grand Gallipoot waiting he'll break your back," declared the messenger. "Perhaps you're right," sighed the jailor. "Take the prisoner away, if you will, but I advise you to kick him at every step he takes. It will be good fun, for he is as soft as a ripe peach." [Illustration] So Guph was led away to the royal castle, where the Grand Gallipoot told him that the Growleywogs had decided to assist the Nomes in conquering the Land of Oz. "Whenever you are ready," he added, "send me word and I will march with eighteen thousand of my most powerful warriors to your aid." Guph was so delighted that he forgot all the smarting caused by the pins and the pulling of whiskers. He did not even complain of the treatment he had received, but thanked the Grand Gallipoot and hurried away upon his journey. He had now secured the assistance of the Whimsies and the Growleywogs; but his success made him long for still more allies. His own life depended upon his conquering Oz, and he said to himself: "I'll take no chances. I'll be certain of success.

admiringly

How many times the word 'admiringly' appears in the text?

COMES... PAUL You... You... You... You f... You... fucking... fucking... family. You fucking... family! Oh, God... Jesus. Oh, you... Oh... 58. He COLLAPSES on her, SPENT as she continues to WEEP. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - THAT MOMENT A TRAIN ROARS by on the TRAIN BRIDGE. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM Paul is SLEEPING on the floor amidst the BREAD AND BUTTER. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - MOMENTS LATER Another couple of TRAINS go by. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - LATER Paul SLEEPS more. On his STOMACH now, with his foot on a piece of FURNITURE. Jeanne puts a record on the RECORD PLAYER she brought with her. She goes to plug it into the FLOOR PLUG but gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. JEANNE Shit! She looks at him sleeping. JEANNE (CONT'D) Hey, you! He looks at her UPSIDE DOWN. JEANNE (CONT'D) Yes, you! PAUL Huh? JEANNE I've got a surprise for you. 59. PAUL What? He looks at himself in a SMALL MIRROR. JEANNE I've got a surprise for you! PAUL That's good. I like surprises. He FLIPS HIMSELF over backwards onto his feet. He walks over to her and the RECORD PLAYER. He stares down at her. PAUL (CONT'D) What is it? JEANNE Music. But I don't know how to work it. He sits on the FLOOR next to her. He plugs in the RECORD PLAYER. He JUMPS as he gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. Jeanne is secretly amused. PAUL Do you enjoy that? He gets the RECORD PLAYING. It's some 70's HIPPY MUSIC. Jeanne sways to it while Paul reads the JACKET COVER. CUT TO: EXT. PASSY VIADUCT PARK - DAY HIPPIE MUSIC CONTINUES Tom and Jeanne sit, ROMANTICALLY ENTWINED on a SEA WALL while his FILM CREW films in the b.g. They sit FACE TO FACE, he holds her shoulders and stares into her eyes. TOM Do you know why I sent the others away? JEANNE Because you're angry, or you want to be alone with me? 60. TOM And why do I want to be alone with you? JEANNE You have something really serious to tell me. He plays with her hair. TOM I have something really very serious to tell you. JEANNE Is it happy or sad? TOM It's a secret. JEANNE So it's happy. What sort of secret? TOM A secret... As his FILM CREW dolly around them in the b.g., his SOUND PERSON yells at them. SOUND PERSON Speak up! I can't hear anything. TOM ...between a man and a woman. JEANNE Is it dirty or is it about love? TOM About love. But that's not all. JEANNE A secret about love, but which isn't love. What is it?! He puts a LIFE PRESERVER over her. TOM Voila. That in a week I'm marrying you. JEANNE What? 61. TOM I'm marrying you. JEANNE What?! TOM I'm marrying you! JEANNE You're marrying me? TOM Yes! JEANNE We're getting married? TOM Yes we're getting married. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE No! TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM No. Are we getting married or not? JEANNE I don't know. 62. TOM So, yes, then? JEANNE Yes! TOM No! JEANNE Yes! TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes or no? She take the life preserver off and THROWS IT IN THE WATER. Together, they WATCH IT SINK. CUT TO: EXT. JEANNE'S MOTHERS APT. - PORCH - DAY JEANNE'S MOTHER beats the dirt off her LATE HUSBANDS MILITARY JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'll send everything to the country. What do you think, Jeanne? INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne tries on another of her FATHERS MILITARY UNIFORMS complete with HAT. JEANNE Olympia will be happy. I went there yesterday with Tom. Her mother joins her inside. She carries the FATHERS BOOTS. JEANNE (CONT'D) She's preparing a family museum. 63. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'm not sending the boots. I'm keeping them with me. I get strange shivers when I touch them. Jeanne goes into an ADJOINING ROOM while her mom continues reflecting, IRONING the JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER (CONT'D) All these military things never age. She looks up just in time to see that Jeanne has found her fathers gun and is pointing it in her direction. JEANNE When I was little, it seemed really heavy when Papa taught me how to shoot. JEANNE'S MOTHER I'm keeping that here. In a respectable household, it's useful to have a weapon. JEANNE You don't even know how to use it. JEANNE'S MOTHER The important thing is to have one. It makes an impression. JEANNE You really kept everything of Papa's. She shows her mom a picture she has scrounged up from her FATHERS WALLET of a TOPLESS NEGRO FEMALE. JEANNE (CONT'D) Who's that? His orderly? JEANNE'S MOTHER A fine example of a Berber. JEANNE Oh. 64. JEANNE'S MOTHER A strong race. I tried to employ them as servants, but it was disastrous. 'm glad I decided to send everything to the country. All his things were piling up and piling up. JEANNE Don't worry. You'll soon have all the space you want. JEANNE'S MOTHER What does that mean? JEANNE Nothing. She takes off the HAT and JACKET and throws them on the sofa. She heads to the FRONT DOOR with MOM FOLLOWING, on pins and needles. JEANNE (CONT'D) Madame, the colonel's lady, I announce... Mom RUNS IN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What? JEANNE On this solemn day... She goes out the door... JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What solemn day? She RUNS AFTER her daughter. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne is on the ELEVATOR. She sticks her head out. JEANNE I'm getting married in a week! She shuts the door and HEADS DOWN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What did you say? 65. Mom follows her down STEP FOR STEP. JEANNE To Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER Pardon? JEANNE Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER What are you doing in a week? CUT TO: EXT. OUTDOOR SHOP BAZAAR - DAY Tom and his FILM CREW film Jeanne trying on wedding dresses. He COUNTS DOWN to the shot. TOM Five... two! He does the CLAPPER with his hands. Jeanne and her HOST OF DRESSERS is lost in her fittings. TOM (CONT'D) Move into shot! We're shooting! They move into the center of the shop. We get another look at Jeanne's LEFT BREAST as it slips out of the dress being fitted. Tom fires off QUESTIONS for film purposes. TOM (CONT'D) So,... how do you see marriage? JEANNE Marriage? TOM Yes. Jeanne gives her upbeat EXTISTENTIAL RESPONSES as her fitting continues. JEANNE I see it everywhere. All the time. 66. TOM What do you mean, everywhere? JEANNE On walls. On buildings. TOM Walls and buildings? JEANNE Yes, on advertising hoardings. TOM What are they selling? Cars. Tinned meat. Cigarettes. JEANNE No. They're all about young couples. Before marriage, no children. Then the same couple, married with children. In short, marriage. The perfect, ideal, successful marriage. It's no longer the preserve of the Church. The husband was burdened with responsibilities and the wife nagged. Now, weddings in advertising smile! TOM They smile. On posters. JEANNE On posters, of course. But why t take poster marriage seriously? Marriage... Pop marriage! Tom comes out from under a DRESS. TOM Pop? That's the formula. For pop youth, pop marriage! But... what if the pop marriage doesn't work? JEANNE Then you have to fix it like you would a car. The spouses are two workers in overalls bending over an engine to fix it. TOM And in case of adultery what happens to the pop marriage? 67. JEANNE In that case, there are three or four workers. TOM What about love? Is love pop? JEANNE No. That's not. Love isn't pop. TOM Love isn't pop. So what is it? JEANNE The workers retire to a secret flat, take off their overalls and become men and women again and make love. The fussing on the dress is finished. Jeanne slowly, PUTS ON HER GLOVES, relishing them. She STRUTS slowly for all to stare and LAVISH her in her dress. Tom is CAPTIVATED. TOM You're wonderful. JEANNE It's the dress that makes the bride. TOM You're better than Rita Hayworth. He wanders out into the street. It is RAINING HEAVILY. Better than Joan Crawford! Better than Kim Novak! Better than Lauren Bacall! Better than Ava Gardner when she was Mickey Rooney's lover! Hes FILM CREW scatters for cover. TOM (CONT'D) What are you doing? Stop! Stop, but keep filming! Why aren't you filming in the rain? CREW 1 You're crazy! 68. They huddle underneath the DOOR of the FILM TRUCK. Tom has lost Jeanne in all the HUBUB. He is disgusted with his CREW. TOM You're all fired! He goes back to the SHOP. TOM (CONT'D) Where's Jeanne? DRESSER 1 She must have run off. TOM When? ln the rain? He runs down the street in the rain looking for her. JEANNE Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LOBBY - DAY Paul comes POINDING in from the rain. He STOMPS the water off his shoes. He breaks into an IMPROMPTU SOFT SHOE. He opens the gate to the ELEVATOR and gets on. He pushes the button. The elevator STARTS UP. JEANNE'S VOICE Please forgive me! Paul stops the elevator. He SENDS IT BACK DOWN. We see Jeanne has been waiting on the ADJACENT STAIRS for Paul. She is still in her WEDDING DRESS. She implores Paul from outside the elevator. JEANNE (FRENCH) Forgive me! I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. (ENGLISH) I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. I can't. I can't leave you, do you understand? 69. She stands, PLEADING at the ELEVATOR. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you still want me? Paul does the EYEBROW TRILL. He opens the elevator so she can get on. ELEVATOR As it ascends, Jeanne slowly RAISES HER DRESS, revealing NO UNDERWEAR and her AMPLE BUSH to Paul. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - ENTRANCE - MOMENTS LATER The door flies open. Paul comes in CARRYING Jeanne in his arms. PAUL Voil ! He starts doing a JIG AND SONG... all the way to the MATTRESSES. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh, there once was a man And he had an old sow ow! Hi-diddle- dow... He puts her on the bed. She is GIGGLING. PAUL (CONT'D) You're wet. Paul pats her stomach and leaves the room. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Paul opens the curtains. Jeanne's SCREAMS come from the other room. He goes to investigate. PAUL (CONT'D) What the hell? BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne screams BLOODY MURDER and points to a DEAD RAT on the STILL UNMADE MATTRESS. 70. PAUL (CONT'D) A rat. Only a rat. He PICKS IT UP by the tail. She stumbles over herself to get away. PAUL (CONT'D) There are more rats in Paris than people. Yum, yum, yum. He holds it out, OFFERING IT to her. She freaks. She runs to the other side of the room. JEANNE I want to go! He brings it to her... she continues to BACK PEDDLE. PAUL Wait, wait! Don't you want a bite first? You don't want to run and eat. JEANNE This is the end! He points to the ASS of the RAT. PAUL No, this is the end... Then points to the HEAD. PAUL (CONT'D) ...but I like to start with the head. That's the best part. Are you sure you won't have any? OK. He DANGLES IT over his mouth, flitting his tounge, pretending to eat it. She is gonna HURL. PAUL (CONT'D) What's the matter? You don't dig rat? JEANNE I wanna go! I can't make love in this bed any more. I can't. It's disgusting! Nauseating! PAUL Well, we'll fuck on the radiator or standing on the mantel. 71. He holds up the RAT again. PAUL (CONT'D) Listen, I gotta get some mayonnaise for this. Because, it really is good with mayonnaise. He heads out, then stops and LOOKS BACK AT HER. PAUL (CONT'D) I'll save the asshole for you. He really leaves this time. PAUL'S VOICE Rat's asshole with mayonnaise! He LAUGHS at himself. Jeanne is a BASKET CASE. She sits on her HAUNCHES, muttering. JEANNE I want to get out of here. I want to go. I can't stand it here any more. Yes. I'm going. She gets up, gets her purse and goes to the door. We see her ASS through the SHEER FABRIC of her wedding dress. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm not coming back... ever. She gets to the... FRONT DOOR Paul is there, WAITING, NONCHALANT. PAUL Quo vadis, baby? JEANNE I forgot to tell you something. I fell in love with somebody. PAUL Oh, isn't that wonderful? You know, you're going to have to get out of these wet duds. He PATS HER ASS. JEANNE I'm going to make love with him! 72. She opens the door but he closes it. She STOMPS into the HALL. PAUL Well, first you have to take a hot bath. Cos if you don't... He walks toward her. PAUL (CONT'D) ...you're gonna get pneumonia, right? Huh? She STOMPS a few more steps toward the BATHROOM. PAUL (CONT'D) And then you know what happens? You get pneumonia, then you know what happens? You die. And then, you know what happens when you die? I get to fuck the dead rat! He THROWS HER OVER his shoulder and carries her KICKING AND SCREAMING into the... CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM Jeanne is in the BATHTUB. Paul sits on the BIDET behind her with a WASHCLOTH. PAUL Give me the soap. She does. JEANNE I'm in love. PAUL You're in love? He shoves her head UNDER THE WATER. PAUL (CONT'D) How delightful. She comes up ANGRY. JEANNE I'm in love! I'm in love, you understand? 73. He SMACKS her with the washcloth on the head. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm in love, I'm in love! He SHOVES HER under again. JEANNE (CONT'D) Oh! I'm in love! He HITS HER on the head with her own shoe. She just gets more ANGRY. JEANNE (CONT'D) You know, you're old! You're getting fat. PAUL Fat, is it? How unkind. JEANNE Half of your hair is out and the other half is almost white. He smacks her in the mouth with the wash cloth, she smiles. PAUL In ten years, you'll be playing soccer with your tits. He starts WASHING HER back. PAUL (CONT'D) What do you think of that? You know what I'm gonna be doing? JEANNE You will be on a... wheelchair! PAUL Well, maybe. But, you know... I'll be smirking and giggling all the way to eternity. JEANNE How poetic. But please, before you go, wash my feet. She holds up A FOOT. PAUL OK. oblesse oblige. 74. He sits on the edge of the TUB and grabs her foot. He takes a sniff... She pulls it away. JEANNE You know, he and I, we make love. He WASHES her foot. PAUL Oh, really? That's wonderful. Is he a good fucker? JEANNE Magnificent. He puts up the OTHER FOOT to was, he obliges again. PAUL You know, you're a jerk. Cos the best fucking you're gonna get is right here in this apartment. Stand up. She does. He washes her ASS. JEANNE He is full of mysteries. PAUL Give me the soap. Listen, you dumb dodo. All the mysteries that you're ever gonna know in life are right here. He washes her STOMACH. JEANNE He is like everybody but... at the same time he's different. PAUL You mean, like everybody. JEANNE Yeah, but... even he fright me. Even he frightens me. PAUL What is he, your local pimp? JEANNE He could be. He looks it. You know why I'm in love with him? 75. PAUL I can't wait. JEANNE Because he know. He know how to make me fall in love with him. She gets out. He COVERS her with a BIG RED TOWEL. PAUL You want this man you love to protect and take care of you. JEANNE Yeah. PAUL You want this golden, shining, powerful warrior to build a fortress where you can hide in. So you don't have to ever... have... You don't ever have to be afraid. You don't have to feel lonely or empty. That's what you want, isn't it? JEANNE Yes. PAUL Well, you'll never find it. JEANNE But I find this man. PAUL Then it won't be long until he'll want you to build a fortress for him out of your tits and out of your cunt and your hair and your smile and the way you smell. And... and some place where he can feel comfortable and secure enough so that he can worship in front of the altar of his own prick. JEANNE But I find this man! They lean against SEPERATE WALLS. 76. PAUL No, you're alone. You're all alone. You won't be free of that feeling of being alone until you look death right in the face. I mean, that sounds like bullshit, some romantic crap, until you go right up into the ass of death. Right up in his ass... till you find the womb of fear. And then,... maybe... Maybe then, you'll be able to find him. JEANNE But I find this man. He's you! You are that man! Paul doesn't like that comment. He needs to TEACH HER another LESSON. He bites a HANGNAIL. PAUL Get me the scissors. JEANNE What? PAUL Get me the fingernail scissors. She STOMPS past him to get them, hands them to him. PAUL (CONT'D) No. I want you to cut the fingernails on your right hand, these two. She DOES. JEANNE That's it. He stands FACING the wall and PULLS HIS pants down. PAUL I want you to put your fingers up my ass. JEANNE What? PAUL Put your fingers up my ass, are you deaf? Go on. I'm gonna get a pig... and I'm... I'm gonna have the pig fuck you. (MORE) 77. PAUL (CONT'D) I want the pig to vomit in your face and I want you to swallow the vomit. Are you gonna do that for me? JEANNE Yeah. PAUL Huh? JEANNE Yeah! PAUL I want the pig to die while... while you're fucking him. Then you'll have to go behind him. I want you to smell the dying farts of the pig. Are you gonna do all of that for me? JEANNE Yes, and more than that! And worse! And worse than before. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - TEMPORARY VIEWING ROOM - DAY ROSA'S WAKE. Rosa's mother has set up a room in the Hotel as a VIEWING ROOM for her daughter. She is, as promised, surrounded by TONS OF FLOWERS. Paul comes in and pulls up a chair next to ROSA. He turns on the LIGHT. PAUL You look ridiculous in that make- up. Like the caricature of a whore. A little touch of Mommy in the night. Fake Ophelia drowned in the bathtub. I wish you could see yourself. You'd really laugh. You're your mother's masterpiece. He pulls the chair closer to her. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh Christ! There are too many fucking flowers in this place. I can't breathe. You know on the top of the closet? (MORE) 78. PAUL (CONT'D) The cardboard box, I found all your... I found all your little goodies. Pens, keychains, foreign money, French ticklers, the whole shot. Even a clergyman's collar. I didn't know you collected all those little knick-knacks left behind. Even if the husband lives fucking years, he's never going to be able to discover his wife's real nature. I mean, I... I might be able to comprehend the universe, but... 'll never discover the truth bout you. Never. I mean, who the hell were you? Remember that day, the first day I was there? I knew that I couldn't get into your pants unless I said... What did I say? Oh, yeah. "May I have my bill, please? I have to leave." Remember? Last night... I ripped off the lights on your mother. And the whole joint went bananas. All your... guests... as you used to call them... Well, I guess that includes me, doesn't it? It does include me, doesn't it? For five years, I was more a guest in this fucking flophouse than a husband. With privileges, of course. And then, to help me understand you, you let me inherit Marcel. The husband's double, whose room was the double of ours. And you know what? I didn't even have the guts to ask him. Didn't have the guts to ask him if the same numbers you and I did were the same numbers you did with him. Our marriage was nothing more than a foxhole for you. And all it took for you to get out was a -cent razor and a tub full of water. You cheap, goddamn, fucking, godforsaken whore. I hope you rot in hell. You're worse than the dirtiest street pig anybody could find, and you know why? You know why? Because you lied. You lied to me and I trusted you. You lied. You knew you were lying! Go on, tell me you didn't lie. Haven't you got anything to say about that? You can think up something, can't you? (MORE) 79. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me something! Smile, you cunt! He STARTS to WEEP. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me... Tell me something sweet. Smile at me and say I just misunderstood. Go on, tell me. You pig-fucker! You goddamn, fucking, pig-fucking liar. Rosa, I'm sorry... I just can't... I can't stand it... to see these goddamn things on your face. You never wore make-up. This fucking shit. I'm gonna take this off your mouth. This lipstick... Rosa... Oh, God! He COLLAPSES on her, SOBBING. PAUL (CONT'D) I'm sorry. I don't know why you did it. I'd do it too, if I knew how. I just don't know how. I have to... I have to find a way. [OC] We hear a voice. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Is anyone there? PAUL What? PROSTITUTE'S VOICE There was a noise in there! PAUL All right, I'm... I'm coming. (back to ROSA) I have to go. I have to go, sweetheart, baby. Somebody's calling me. He starts to the door. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Well? Is anyone there? PAUL Yeah. I'm coming. CUT TO: 80. INT. HOTEL - ENTRANCE - DAY Outside the FRONT DOOR, the source of the voice, a WORN OUT and OLD PROSTITUTE. She is with her JOHN. PROSTITUTE (TO JOHN) Here he is. (TO PAUL) Hurry up! Wake up! Open up! Open up! PAUL It's four in the morning. PROSTITUTE I need room four for a while. (TO JOHN) Half an hour? (TO PAUL) Yes, that'll do. Yes, half an hour. PAUL We're full. She knocks on the door, INCESANTLY. PROSTITUTE That's not true. When you're full, you put a sign outside. I know the hotel. I'm sick of arguing out on the street. Call the owner. What are you waiting for? The owner has never made a fuss. Rosa and I are old friends. Open up. Paul opens up. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Don't make any trouble or I'll tell your boss. (TO JOHN) Come in, it's all sorted... But the man has LEFT. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) You've won. He's taken off. PAUL I'm very sorry. PROSTITUTE Hurry up! He can't be far away. 81. She PUSHES him out to the street. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Make him come back. Tell him he can't just walk off. She SHOVES HIM out the door and DOWN THE STREET. Paul CHASES the man on foot for BLOCKS and BLOCKS. He finally CATCHES UP to him in a --- CUT TO: EXT. PARIS STREET - ALLEY - MORNING The JOHN figures he has gotten away. He reverses his TRENCH COAT to the appropriate side. Paul comes around the corner. The John doesn't see any HOSTILITY coming. But it DOES. JOHN Oh,... please don't tell her you found me. I don't fancy it any more. Did you see her face? Once, my wife satisfied me. But now she's got a skin disease. It's like snakeskin. Put yourself in my place. Paul grabs him by the tie and drags him. PAUL Come. Come with me. The man FIGHTS BACK. JOHN But... Let go of me! Paul doesn't like that. He ROUGHS HIM UP, throwing him from WALL TO WALL. JOHN (CONT'D) You're crazy! Let go of me! Let go! He ends up on the ground MINUS HIS COAT. Paul KICKS HIM IN THE ASS like a dog. PAUL Get the fuck out of here! 82. The man RUNS OFF. PAUL (CONT'D) Faggot! Paul heads back up the ALLEY as the man CONTINUES OFF in the f.g. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - PAUL AND ROSA'S ROOM - DAY Paul lays down on his TWIN BED with his ROBE on over his clothes. We see that his BAGS ARE PACKED. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - BEDROOM - DAY We see that the mattress is gone. Only a pile of sheets and pillows remain in the room. Jeanne is on the floor, on her knees, doubled over in SICK GRIEF. PAUL HAS MOVED OUT. JEANNE No! She WANDERS through the apt., GRIEF STRICKEN, from room to room. We see only a FEW BELONGINGS left around. Shoes, the CAT (where was it for the "rat problem"?) and phone. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne RIPS THE SHEET OFF the piece of furniture that has been COVERED UP all along. We all wondered what was underneath that was so precious. It's nothing special. She COLLAPSES in grief again, the furniture falling on her, she KICKS IT OFF. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - FRONT DESK - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne talks to the CRAZY Concierge from BEFORE. Her head STUCK through the LITTLE WINDOW while the crazy woman PUFFS a cig. 83. JEANNE Try and remember! The man from the fourth floor. He moved in a few days ago. CONCIERGE I told you, I don't know anyone. They come and go. The man on the fourth, the woman on the first. What do I know? She gives a CRAZY CACKLE. JEANNE Where did they take the furniture too? It's empty. Where do you send his mail? Give me his address. CONCIERGE I don't have it. I don't know these people. JEANNE Not even his name? CONCIERGE Nothing! Jeanne STORMS OUT. CONCIERGE (CONT'D) Ma'zelle! CUT TO: INT. PAYPHONE BOOTH - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne is on the payphone in the bar from before. She speaks to Tom. Still DESPONDENT, tears stream down her face. JEANNE I've found a flat for us. 1 rue Jules Verne. Yes. In Passy. Come quickly! You'll come now? Do you know where it is? I'll wait for you. Come over. She struggles to HANG UP THE PHONE through her grief. She BREAKS DOWN, closing the door for privacy. 84. We can SEE HER through the door as she leans on it. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - DAY The front DOORBELL RINGS. JEANNE Come in, it's open. Tom comes in. Jeanne stares out the window. She is BATHED in sunlight. Tom LOOKS AROUND in b.g. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you like our flat? It's very light. There's a tiny room, too. It's too small for a double bed. It would be fine for a child. Fidel. That's a nice name for a boy. Fidel, as in Castro. TOM But I'd like a girl, too. Rosa. As in Rosa Luxemburg. Less famous, but I like it. You know, I wanted to film you every day. In the morning, when you wake up, in the evening, when you sleep. When you first smile, and I didn't film any of that. Here. He hands her FLOWERS. She REGARDS them. He circles to her front. TOM (CONT'D) Today is the last day of shooting. The film is finished. I don't like things that finish, things that end. You have to start something else right away. They EMBRACE and KISS. THAT ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Tom looks around the place. 85. TOM (CONT'D) This flat is huge! Jeanne has made her way to the DINING ROOM. TOM (CONT'D) Where are you? JEANNE I'm here! They continue shouting across the apt. TOM It's too big! We'll get lost! JEANNE Stop it! Don't start! TOM How did you find this flat? JEANNE By chance. TOM We'll change everything! Jeanne holds her ARMS OUT like a bird. JEANNE Everything! We'll change chance to destiny. TOM Go on, Jeanne. Take off! MUSIC RISES as Jeanne pretends to FLY AROUND the apt. from ROOM TO ROOM making AIRPLANE NOISES as Tom DIRECTS HER. TOM (CONT'D) Fly away, you're in heaven! You're soaring, you're in heaven! Come down, take a nose dive, come down! Make three turns, come down. Jeanne, what's happening? There's an air pocket. Tom gets SUDDENLY SERIOUS. JEANNE What's happening? 86. TOM The patches of turbulence are over. We can't play like children any more, Jeanne. This stops Jeanne in her TRACKS. They face each other. TOM (CONT'D) We're adults. JEANNE Adults? That's awful! TOM Yes. It's awful. JEANNE What do adults do? TOM I don't know. We'll have to invent the gestures and the words. For example, adults... He walks slowly toward her. They EMBRACE PASSIONATELY. They kiss. He breaks away again, SERIOUS. TOM (CONT'D) But there's one thing I do know. Adults are calm... He walks backward as Jeanne STALKS HIM. TOM (CONT'D) ...serious, logical, measured, level-headed... JEANNE Yes... TOM And... they face up to problems... JEANNE ...Yes, yes. Yes, yes. He STOPS ABRUPTLY. 87. TOM You see, Jeanne, this flat won't work for us. This flat, it won't work for us, Jeanne. JEANNE Where are you going? TOM To look for a flat. He walks out to a SHOCKED Jeanne. JEANNE What kind of flat? But he COMES BACK. TOM A flat we can live in. JEANNE We can live here. TOM It's squalid. It smells. It makes me sick.

points

How many times the word 'points' appears in the text?

COMES... PAUL You... You... You... You f... You... fucking... fucking... family. You fucking... family! Oh, God... Jesus. Oh, you... Oh... 58. He COLLAPSES on her, SPENT as she continues to WEEP. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - THAT MOMENT A TRAIN ROARS by on the TRAIN BRIDGE. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM Paul is SLEEPING on the floor amidst the BREAD AND BUTTER. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - MOMENTS LATER Another couple of TRAINS go by. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - LATER Paul SLEEPS more. On his STOMACH now, with his foot on a piece of FURNITURE. Jeanne puts a record on the RECORD PLAYER she brought with her. She goes to plug it into the FLOOR PLUG but gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. JEANNE Shit! She looks at him sleeping. JEANNE (CONT'D) Hey, you! He looks at her UPSIDE DOWN. JEANNE (CONT'D) Yes, you! PAUL Huh? JEANNE I've got a surprise for you. 59. PAUL What? He looks at himself in a SMALL MIRROR. JEANNE I've got a surprise for you! PAUL That's good. I like surprises. He FLIPS HIMSELF over backwards onto his feet. He walks over to her and the RECORD PLAYER. He stares down at her. PAUL (CONT'D) What is it? JEANNE Music. But I don't know how to work it. He sits on the FLOOR next to her. He plugs in the RECORD PLAYER. He JUMPS as he gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. Jeanne is secretly amused. PAUL Do you enjoy that? He gets the RECORD PLAYING. It's some 70's HIPPY MUSIC. Jeanne sways to it while Paul reads the JACKET COVER. CUT TO: EXT. PASSY VIADUCT PARK - DAY HIPPIE MUSIC CONTINUES Tom and Jeanne sit, ROMANTICALLY ENTWINED on a SEA WALL while his FILM CREW films in the b.g. They sit FACE TO FACE, he holds her shoulders and stares into her eyes. TOM Do you know why I sent the others away? JEANNE Because you're angry, or you want to be alone with me? 60. TOM And why do I want to be alone with you? JEANNE You have something really serious to tell me. He plays with her hair. TOM I have something really very serious to tell you. JEANNE Is it happy or sad? TOM It's a secret. JEANNE So it's happy. What sort of secret? TOM A secret... As his FILM CREW dolly around them in the b.g., his SOUND PERSON yells at them. SOUND PERSON Speak up! I can't hear anything. TOM ...between a man and a woman. JEANNE Is it dirty or is it about love? TOM About love. But that's not all. JEANNE A secret about love, but which isn't love. What is it?! He puts a LIFE PRESERVER over her. TOM Voila. That in a week I'm marrying you. JEANNE What? 61. TOM I'm marrying you. JEANNE What?! TOM I'm marrying you! JEANNE You're marrying me? TOM Yes! JEANNE We're getting married? TOM Yes we're getting married. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE No! TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM No. Are we getting married or not? JEANNE I don't know. 62. TOM So, yes, then? JEANNE Yes! TOM No! JEANNE Yes! TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes or no? She take the life preserver off and THROWS IT IN THE WATER. Together, they WATCH IT SINK. CUT TO: EXT. JEANNE'S MOTHERS APT. - PORCH - DAY JEANNE'S MOTHER beats the dirt off her LATE HUSBANDS MILITARY JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'll send everything to the country. What do you think, Jeanne? INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne tries on another of her FATHERS MILITARY UNIFORMS complete with HAT. JEANNE Olympia will be happy. I went there yesterday with Tom. Her mother joins her inside. She carries the FATHERS BOOTS. JEANNE (CONT'D) She's preparing a family museum. 63. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'm not sending the boots. I'm keeping them with me. I get strange shivers when I touch them. Jeanne goes into an ADJOINING ROOM while her mom continues reflecting, IRONING the JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER (CONT'D) All these military things never age. She looks up just in time to see that Jeanne has found her fathers gun and is pointing it in her direction. JEANNE When I was little, it seemed really heavy when Papa taught me how to shoot. JEANNE'S MOTHER I'm keeping that here. In a respectable household, it's useful to have a weapon. JEANNE You don't even know how to use it. JEANNE'S MOTHER The important thing is to have one. It makes an impression. JEANNE You really kept everything of Papa's. She shows her mom a picture she has scrounged up from her FATHERS WALLET of a TOPLESS NEGRO FEMALE. JEANNE (CONT'D) Who's that? His orderly? JEANNE'S MOTHER A fine example of a Berber. JEANNE Oh. 64. JEANNE'S MOTHER A strong race. I tried to employ them as servants, but it was disastrous. 'm glad I decided to send everything to the country. All his things were piling up and piling up. JEANNE Don't worry. You'll soon have all the space you want. JEANNE'S MOTHER What does that mean? JEANNE Nothing. She takes off the HAT and JACKET and throws them on the sofa. She heads to the FRONT DOOR with MOM FOLLOWING, on pins and needles. JEANNE (CONT'D) Madame, the colonel's lady, I announce... Mom RUNS IN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What? JEANNE On this solemn day... She goes out the door... JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What solemn day? She RUNS AFTER her daughter. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne is on the ELEVATOR. She sticks her head out. JEANNE I'm getting married in a week! She shuts the door and HEADS DOWN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What did you say? 65. Mom follows her down STEP FOR STEP. JEANNE To Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER Pardon? JEANNE Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER What are you doing in a week? CUT TO: EXT. OUTDOOR SHOP BAZAAR - DAY Tom and his FILM CREW film Jeanne trying on wedding dresses. He COUNTS DOWN to the shot. TOM Five... two! He does the CLAPPER with his hands. Jeanne and her HOST OF DRESSERS is lost in her fittings. TOM (CONT'D) Move into shot! We're shooting! They move into the center of the shop. We get another look at Jeanne's LEFT BREAST as it slips out of the dress being fitted. Tom fires off QUESTIONS for film purposes. TOM (CONT'D) So,... how do you see marriage? JEANNE Marriage? TOM Yes. Jeanne gives her upbeat EXTISTENTIAL RESPONSES as her fitting continues. JEANNE I see it everywhere. All the time. 66. TOM What do you mean, everywhere? JEANNE On walls. On buildings. TOM Walls and buildings? JEANNE Yes, on advertising hoardings. TOM What are they selling? Cars. Tinned meat. Cigarettes. JEANNE No. They're all about young couples. Before marriage, no children. Then the same couple, married with children. In short, marriage. The perfect, ideal, successful marriage. It's no longer the preserve of the Church. The husband was burdened with responsibilities and the wife nagged. Now, weddings in advertising smile! TOM They smile. On posters. JEANNE On posters, of course. But why t take poster marriage seriously? Marriage... Pop marriage! Tom comes out from under a DRESS. TOM Pop? That's the formula. For pop youth, pop marriage! But... what if the pop marriage doesn't work? JEANNE Then you have to fix it like you would a car. The spouses are two workers in overalls bending over an engine to fix it. TOM And in case of adultery what happens to the pop marriage? 67. JEANNE In that case, there are three or four workers. TOM What about love? Is love pop? JEANNE No. That's not. Love isn't pop. TOM Love isn't pop. So what is it? JEANNE The workers retire to a secret flat, take off their overalls and become men and women again and make love. The fussing on the dress is finished. Jeanne slowly, PUTS ON HER GLOVES, relishing them. She STRUTS slowly for all to stare and LAVISH her in her dress. Tom is CAPTIVATED. TOM You're wonderful. JEANNE It's the dress that makes the bride. TOM You're better than Rita Hayworth. He wanders out into the street. It is RAINING HEAVILY. Better than Joan Crawford! Better than Kim Novak! Better than Lauren Bacall! Better than Ava Gardner when she was Mickey Rooney's lover! Hes FILM CREW scatters for cover. TOM (CONT'D) What are you doing? Stop! Stop, but keep filming! Why aren't you filming in the rain? CREW 1 You're crazy! 68. They huddle underneath the DOOR of the FILM TRUCK. Tom has lost Jeanne in all the HUBUB. He is disgusted with his CREW. TOM You're all fired! He goes back to the SHOP. TOM (CONT'D) Where's Jeanne? DRESSER 1 She must have run off. TOM When? ln the rain? He runs down the street in the rain looking for her. JEANNE Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LOBBY - DAY Paul comes POINDING in from the rain. He STOMPS the water off his shoes. He breaks into an IMPROMPTU SOFT SHOE. He opens the gate to the ELEVATOR and gets on. He pushes the button. The elevator STARTS UP. JEANNE'S VOICE Please forgive me! Paul stops the elevator. He SENDS IT BACK DOWN. We see Jeanne has been waiting on the ADJACENT STAIRS for Paul. She is still in her WEDDING DRESS. She implores Paul from outside the elevator. JEANNE (FRENCH) Forgive me! I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. (ENGLISH) I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. I can't. I can't leave you, do you understand? 69. She stands, PLEADING at the ELEVATOR. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you still want me? Paul does the EYEBROW TRILL. He opens the elevator so she can get on. ELEVATOR As it ascends, Jeanne slowly RAISES HER DRESS, revealing NO UNDERWEAR and her AMPLE BUSH to Paul. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - ENTRANCE - MOMENTS LATER The door flies open. Paul comes in CARRYING Jeanne in his arms. PAUL Voil ! He starts doing a JIG AND SONG... all the way to the MATTRESSES. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh, there once was a man And he had an old sow ow! Hi-diddle- dow... He puts her on the bed. She is GIGGLING. PAUL (CONT'D) You're wet. Paul pats her stomach and leaves the room. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Paul opens the curtains. Jeanne's SCREAMS come from the other room. He goes to investigate. PAUL (CONT'D) What the hell? BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne screams BLOODY MURDER and points to a DEAD RAT on the STILL UNMADE MATTRESS. 70. PAUL (CONT'D) A rat. Only a rat. He PICKS IT UP by the tail. She stumbles over herself to get away. PAUL (CONT'D) There are more rats in Paris than people. Yum, yum, yum. He holds it out, OFFERING IT to her. She freaks. She runs to the other side of the room. JEANNE I want to go! He brings it to her... she continues to BACK PEDDLE. PAUL Wait, wait! Don't you want a bite first? You don't want to run and eat. JEANNE This is the end! He points to the ASS of the RAT. PAUL No, this is the end... Then points to the HEAD. PAUL (CONT'D) ...but I like to start with the head. That's the best part. Are you sure you won't have any? OK. He DANGLES IT over his mouth, flitting his tounge, pretending to eat it. She is gonna HURL. PAUL (CONT'D) What's the matter? You don't dig rat? JEANNE I wanna go! I can't make love in this bed any more. I can't. It's disgusting! Nauseating! PAUL Well, we'll fuck on the radiator or standing on the mantel. 71. He holds up the RAT again. PAUL (CONT'D) Listen, I gotta get some mayonnaise for this. Because, it really is good with mayonnaise. He heads out, then stops and LOOKS BACK AT HER. PAUL (CONT'D) I'll save the asshole for you. He really leaves this time. PAUL'S VOICE Rat's asshole with mayonnaise! He LAUGHS at himself. Jeanne is a BASKET CASE. She sits on her HAUNCHES, muttering. JEANNE I want to get out of here. I want to go. I can't stand it here any more. Yes. I'm going. She gets up, gets her purse and goes to the door. We see her ASS through the SHEER FABRIC of her wedding dress. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm not coming back... ever. She gets to the... FRONT DOOR Paul is there, WAITING, NONCHALANT. PAUL Quo vadis, baby? JEANNE I forgot to tell you something. I fell in love with somebody. PAUL Oh, isn't that wonderful? You know, you're going to have to get out of these wet duds. He PATS HER ASS. JEANNE I'm going to make love with him! 72. She opens the door but he closes it. She STOMPS into the HALL. PAUL Well, first you have to take a hot bath. Cos if you don't... He walks toward her. PAUL (CONT'D) ...you're gonna get pneumonia, right? Huh? She STOMPS a few more steps toward the BATHROOM. PAUL (CONT'D) And then you know what happens? You get pneumonia, then you know what happens? You die. And then, you know what happens when you die? I get to fuck the dead rat! He THROWS HER OVER his shoulder and carries her KICKING AND SCREAMING into the... CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM Jeanne is in the BATHTUB. Paul sits on the BIDET behind her with a WASHCLOTH. PAUL Give me the soap. She does. JEANNE I'm in love. PAUL You're in love? He shoves her head UNDER THE WATER. PAUL (CONT'D) How delightful. She comes up ANGRY. JEANNE I'm in love! I'm in love, you understand? 73. He SMACKS her with the washcloth on the head. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm in love, I'm in love! He SHOVES HER under again. JEANNE (CONT'D) Oh! I'm in love! He HITS HER on the head with her own shoe. She just gets more ANGRY. JEANNE (CONT'D) You know, you're old! You're getting fat. PAUL Fat, is it? How unkind. JEANNE Half of your hair is out and the other half is almost white. He smacks her in the mouth with the wash cloth, she smiles. PAUL In ten years, you'll be playing soccer with your tits. He starts WASHING HER back. PAUL (CONT'D) What do you think of that? You know what I'm gonna be doing? JEANNE You will be on a... wheelchair! PAUL Well, maybe. But, you know... I'll be smirking and giggling all the way to eternity. JEANNE How poetic. But please, before you go, wash my feet. She holds up A FOOT. PAUL OK. oblesse oblige. 74. He sits on the edge of the TUB and grabs her foot. He takes a sniff... She pulls it away. JEANNE You know, he and I, we make love. He WASHES her foot. PAUL Oh, really? That's wonderful. Is he a good fucker? JEANNE Magnificent. He puts up the OTHER FOOT to was, he obliges again. PAUL You know, you're a jerk. Cos the best fucking you're gonna get is right here in this apartment. Stand up. She does. He washes her ASS. JEANNE He is full of mysteries. PAUL Give me the soap. Listen, you dumb dodo. All the mysteries that you're ever gonna know in life are right here. He washes her STOMACH. JEANNE He is like everybody but... at the same time he's different. PAUL You mean, like everybody. JEANNE Yeah, but... even he fright me. Even he frightens me. PAUL What is he, your local pimp? JEANNE He could be. He looks it. You know why I'm in love with him? 75. PAUL I can't wait. JEANNE Because he know. He know how to make me fall in love with him. She gets out. He COVERS her with a BIG RED TOWEL. PAUL You want this man you love to protect and take care of you. JEANNE Yeah. PAUL You want this golden, shining, powerful warrior to build a fortress where you can hide in. So you don't have to ever... have... You don't ever have to be afraid. You don't have to feel lonely or empty. That's what you want, isn't it? JEANNE Yes. PAUL Well, you'll never find it. JEANNE But I find this man. PAUL Then it won't be long until he'll want you to build a fortress for him out of your tits and out of your cunt and your hair and your smile and the way you smell. And... and some place where he can feel comfortable and secure enough so that he can worship in front of the altar of his own prick. JEANNE But I find this man! They lean against SEPERATE WALLS. 76. PAUL No, you're alone. You're all alone. You won't be free of that feeling of being alone until you look death right in the face. I mean, that sounds like bullshit, some romantic crap, until you go right up into the ass of death. Right up in his ass... till you find the womb of fear. And then,... maybe... Maybe then, you'll be able to find him. JEANNE But I find this man. He's you! You are that man! Paul doesn't like that comment. He needs to TEACH HER another LESSON. He bites a HANGNAIL. PAUL Get me the scissors. JEANNE What? PAUL Get me the fingernail scissors. She STOMPS past him to get them, hands them to him. PAUL (CONT'D) No. I want you to cut the fingernails on your right hand, these two. She DOES. JEANNE That's it. He stands FACING the wall and PULLS HIS pants down. PAUL I want you to put your fingers up my ass. JEANNE What? PAUL Put your fingers up my ass, are you deaf? Go on. I'm gonna get a pig... and I'm... I'm gonna have the pig fuck you. (MORE) 77. PAUL (CONT'D) I want the pig to vomit in your face and I want you to swallow the vomit. Are you gonna do that for me? JEANNE Yeah. PAUL Huh? JEANNE Yeah! PAUL I want the pig to die while... while you're fucking him. Then you'll have to go behind him. I want you to smell the dying farts of the pig. Are you gonna do all of that for me? JEANNE Yes, and more than that! And worse! And worse than before. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - TEMPORARY VIEWING ROOM - DAY ROSA'S WAKE. Rosa's mother has set up a room in the Hotel as a VIEWING ROOM for her daughter. She is, as promised, surrounded by TONS OF FLOWERS. Paul comes in and pulls up a chair next to ROSA. He turns on the LIGHT. PAUL You look ridiculous in that make- up. Like the caricature of a whore. A little touch of Mommy in the night. Fake Ophelia drowned in the bathtub. I wish you could see yourself. You'd really laugh. You're your mother's masterpiece. He pulls the chair closer to her. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh Christ! There are too many fucking flowers in this place. I can't breathe. You know on the top of the closet? (MORE) 78. PAUL (CONT'D) The cardboard box, I found all your... I found all your little goodies. Pens, keychains, foreign money, French ticklers, the whole shot. Even a clergyman's collar. I didn't know you collected all those little knick-knacks left behind. Even if the husband lives fucking years, he's never going to be able to discover his wife's real nature. I mean, I... I might be able to comprehend the universe, but... 'll never discover the truth bout you. Never. I mean, who the hell were you? Remember that day, the first day I was there? I knew that I couldn't get into your pants unless I said... What did I say? Oh, yeah. "May I have my bill, please? I have to leave." Remember? Last night... I ripped off the lights on your mother. And the whole joint went bananas. All your... guests... as you used to call them... Well, I guess that includes me, doesn't it? It does include me, doesn't it? For five years, I was more a guest in this fucking flophouse than a husband. With privileges, of course. And then, to help me understand you, you let me inherit Marcel. The husband's double, whose room was the double of ours. And you know what? I didn't even have the guts to ask him. Didn't have the guts to ask him if the same numbers you and I did were the same numbers you did with him. Our marriage was nothing more than a foxhole for you. And all it took for you to get out was a -cent razor and a tub full of water. You cheap, goddamn, fucking, godforsaken whore. I hope you rot in hell. You're worse than the dirtiest street pig anybody could find, and you know why? You know why? Because you lied. You lied to me and I trusted you. You lied. You knew you were lying! Go on, tell me you didn't lie. Haven't you got anything to say about that? You can think up something, can't you? (MORE) 79. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me something! Smile, you cunt! He STARTS to WEEP. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me... Tell me something sweet. Smile at me and say I just misunderstood. Go on, tell me. You pig-fucker! You goddamn, fucking, pig-fucking liar. Rosa, I'm sorry... I just can't... I can't stand it... to see these goddamn things on your face. You never wore make-up. This fucking shit. I'm gonna take this off your mouth. This lipstick... Rosa... Oh, God! He COLLAPSES on her, SOBBING. PAUL (CONT'D) I'm sorry. I don't know why you did it. I'd do it too, if I knew how. I just don't know how. I have to... I have to find a way. [OC] We hear a voice. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Is anyone there? PAUL What? PROSTITUTE'S VOICE There was a noise in there! PAUL All right, I'm... I'm coming. (back to ROSA) I have to go. I have to go, sweetheart, baby. Somebody's calling me. He starts to the door. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Well? Is anyone there? PAUL Yeah. I'm coming. CUT TO: 80. INT. HOTEL - ENTRANCE - DAY Outside the FRONT DOOR, the source of the voice, a WORN OUT and OLD PROSTITUTE. She is with her JOHN. PROSTITUTE (TO JOHN) Here he is. (TO PAUL) Hurry up! Wake up! Open up! Open up! PAUL It's four in the morning. PROSTITUTE I need room four for a while. (TO JOHN) Half an hour? (TO PAUL) Yes, that'll do. Yes, half an hour. PAUL We're full. She knocks on the door, INCESANTLY. PROSTITUTE That's not true. When you're full, you put a sign outside. I know the hotel. I'm sick of arguing out on the street. Call the owner. What are you waiting for? The owner has never made a fuss. Rosa and I are old friends. Open up. Paul opens up. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Don't make any trouble or I'll tell your boss. (TO JOHN) Come in, it's all sorted... But the man has LEFT. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) You've won. He's taken off. PAUL I'm very sorry. PROSTITUTE Hurry up! He can't be far away. 81. She PUSHES him out to the street. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Make him come back. Tell him he can't just walk off. She SHOVES HIM out the door and DOWN THE STREET. Paul CHASES the man on foot for BLOCKS and BLOCKS. He finally CATCHES UP to him in a --- CUT TO: EXT. PARIS STREET - ALLEY - MORNING The JOHN figures he has gotten away. He reverses his TRENCH COAT to the appropriate side. Paul comes around the corner. The John doesn't see any HOSTILITY coming. But it DOES. JOHN Oh,... please don't tell her you found me. I don't fancy it any more. Did you see her face? Once, my wife satisfied me. But now she's got a skin disease. It's like snakeskin. Put yourself in my place. Paul grabs him by the tie and drags him. PAUL Come. Come with me. The man FIGHTS BACK. JOHN But... Let go of me! Paul doesn't like that. He ROUGHS HIM UP, throwing him from WALL TO WALL. JOHN (CONT'D) You're crazy! Let go of me! Let go! He ends up on the ground MINUS HIS COAT. Paul KICKS HIM IN THE ASS like a dog. PAUL Get the fuck out of here! 82. The man RUNS OFF. PAUL (CONT'D) Faggot! Paul heads back up the ALLEY as the man CONTINUES OFF in the f.g. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - PAUL AND ROSA'S ROOM - DAY Paul lays down on his TWIN BED with his ROBE on over his clothes. We see that his BAGS ARE PACKED. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - BEDROOM - DAY We see that the mattress is gone. Only a pile of sheets and pillows remain in the room. Jeanne is on the floor, on her knees, doubled over in SICK GRIEF. PAUL HAS MOVED OUT. JEANNE No! She WANDERS through the apt., GRIEF STRICKEN, from room to room. We see only a FEW BELONGINGS left around. Shoes, the CAT (where was it for the "rat problem"?) and phone. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne RIPS THE SHEET OFF the piece of furniture that has been COVERED UP all along. We all wondered what was underneath that was so precious. It's nothing special. She COLLAPSES in grief again, the furniture falling on her, she KICKS IT OFF. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - FRONT DESK - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne talks to the CRAZY Concierge from BEFORE. Her head STUCK through the LITTLE WINDOW while the crazy woman PUFFS a cig. 83. JEANNE Try and remember! The man from the fourth floor. He moved in a few days ago. CONCIERGE I told you, I don't know anyone. They come and go. The man on the fourth, the woman on the first. What do I know? She gives a CRAZY CACKLE. JEANNE Where did they take the furniture too? It's empty. Where do you send his mail? Give me his address. CONCIERGE I don't have it. I don't know these people. JEANNE Not even his name? CONCIERGE Nothing! Jeanne STORMS OUT. CONCIERGE (CONT'D) Ma'zelle! CUT TO: INT. PAYPHONE BOOTH - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne is on the payphone in the bar from before. She speaks to Tom. Still DESPONDENT, tears stream down her face. JEANNE I've found a flat for us. 1 rue Jules Verne. Yes. In Passy. Come quickly! You'll come now? Do you know where it is? I'll wait for you. Come over. She struggles to HANG UP THE PHONE through her grief. She BREAKS DOWN, closing the door for privacy. 84. We can SEE HER through the door as she leans on it. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - DAY The front DOORBELL RINGS. JEANNE Come in, it's open. Tom comes in. Jeanne stares out the window. She is BATHED in sunlight. Tom LOOKS AROUND in b.g. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you like our flat? It's very light. There's a tiny room, too. It's too small for a double bed. It would be fine for a child. Fidel. That's a nice name for a boy. Fidel, as in Castro. TOM But I'd like a girl, too. Rosa. As in Rosa Luxemburg. Less famous, but I like it. You know, I wanted to film you every day. In the morning, when you wake up, in the evening, when you sleep. When you first smile, and I didn't film any of that. Here. He hands her FLOWERS. She REGARDS them. He circles to her front. TOM (CONT'D) Today is the last day of shooting. The film is finished. I don't like things that finish, things that end. You have to start something else right away. They EMBRACE and KISS. THAT ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Tom looks around the place. 85. TOM (CONT'D) This flat is huge! Jeanne has made her way to the DINING ROOM. TOM (CONT'D) Where are you? JEANNE I'm here! They continue shouting across the apt. TOM It's too big! We'll get lost! JEANNE Stop it! Don't start! TOM How did you find this flat? JEANNE By chance. TOM We'll change everything! Jeanne holds her ARMS OUT like a bird. JEANNE Everything! We'll change chance to destiny. TOM Go on, Jeanne. Take off! MUSIC RISES as Jeanne pretends to FLY AROUND the apt. from ROOM TO ROOM making AIRPLANE NOISES as Tom DIRECTS HER. TOM (CONT'D) Fly away, you're in heaven! You're soaring, you're in heaven! Come down, take a nose dive, come down! Make three turns, come down. Jeanne, what's happening? There's an air pocket. Tom gets SUDDENLY SERIOUS. JEANNE What's happening? 86. TOM The patches of turbulence are over. We can't play like children any more, Jeanne. This stops Jeanne in her TRACKS. They face each other. TOM (CONT'D) We're adults. JEANNE Adults? That's awful! TOM Yes. It's awful. JEANNE What do adults do? TOM I don't know. We'll have to invent the gestures and the words. For example, adults... He walks slowly toward her. They EMBRACE PASSIONATELY. They kiss. He breaks away again, SERIOUS. TOM (CONT'D) But there's one thing I do know. Adults are calm... He walks backward as Jeanne STALKS HIM. TOM (CONT'D) ...serious, logical, measured, level-headed... JEANNE Yes... TOM And... they face up to problems... JEANNE ...Yes, yes. Yes, yes. He STOPS ABRUPTLY. 87. TOM You see, Jeanne, this flat won't work for us. This flat, it won't work for us, Jeanne. JEANNE Where are you going? TOM To look for a flat. He walks out to a SHOCKED Jeanne. JEANNE What kind of flat? But he COMES BACK. TOM A flat we can live in. JEANNE We can live here. TOM It's squalid. It smells. It makes me sick.

shot

How many times the word 'shot' appears in the text?

COMES... PAUL You... You... You... You f... You... fucking... fucking... family. You fucking... family! Oh, God... Jesus. Oh, you... Oh... 58. He COLLAPSES on her, SPENT as she continues to WEEP. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - THAT MOMENT A TRAIN ROARS by on the TRAIN BRIDGE. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM Paul is SLEEPING on the floor amidst the BREAD AND BUTTER. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - MOMENTS LATER Another couple of TRAINS go by. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - LATER Paul SLEEPS more. On his STOMACH now, with his foot on a piece of FURNITURE. Jeanne puts a record on the RECORD PLAYER she brought with her. She goes to plug it into the FLOOR PLUG but gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. JEANNE Shit! She looks at him sleeping. JEANNE (CONT'D) Hey, you! He looks at her UPSIDE DOWN. JEANNE (CONT'D) Yes, you! PAUL Huh? JEANNE I've got a surprise for you. 59. PAUL What? He looks at himself in a SMALL MIRROR. JEANNE I've got a surprise for you! PAUL That's good. I like surprises. He FLIPS HIMSELF over backwards onto his feet. He walks over to her and the RECORD PLAYER. He stares down at her. PAUL (CONT'D) What is it? JEANNE Music. But I don't know how to work it. He sits on the FLOOR next to her. He plugs in the RECORD PLAYER. He JUMPS as he gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. Jeanne is secretly amused. PAUL Do you enjoy that? He gets the RECORD PLAYING. It's some 70's HIPPY MUSIC. Jeanne sways to it while Paul reads the JACKET COVER. CUT TO: EXT. PASSY VIADUCT PARK - DAY HIPPIE MUSIC CONTINUES Tom and Jeanne sit, ROMANTICALLY ENTWINED on a SEA WALL while his FILM CREW films in the b.g. They sit FACE TO FACE, he holds her shoulders and stares into her eyes. TOM Do you know why I sent the others away? JEANNE Because you're angry, or you want to be alone with me? 60. TOM And why do I want to be alone with you? JEANNE You have something really serious to tell me. He plays with her hair. TOM I have something really very serious to tell you. JEANNE Is it happy or sad? TOM It's a secret. JEANNE So it's happy. What sort of secret? TOM A secret... As his FILM CREW dolly around them in the b.g., his SOUND PERSON yells at them. SOUND PERSON Speak up! I can't hear anything. TOM ...between a man and a woman. JEANNE Is it dirty or is it about love? TOM About love. But that's not all. JEANNE A secret about love, but which isn't love. What is it?! He puts a LIFE PRESERVER over her. TOM Voila. That in a week I'm marrying you. JEANNE What? 61. TOM I'm marrying you. JEANNE What?! TOM I'm marrying you! JEANNE You're marrying me? TOM Yes! JEANNE We're getting married? TOM Yes we're getting married. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE No! TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM No. Are we getting married or not? JEANNE I don't know. 62. TOM So, yes, then? JEANNE Yes! TOM No! JEANNE Yes! TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes or no? She take the life preserver off and THROWS IT IN THE WATER. Together, they WATCH IT SINK. CUT TO: EXT. JEANNE'S MOTHERS APT. - PORCH - DAY JEANNE'S MOTHER beats the dirt off her LATE HUSBANDS MILITARY JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'll send everything to the country. What do you think, Jeanne? INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne tries on another of her FATHERS MILITARY UNIFORMS complete with HAT. JEANNE Olympia will be happy. I went there yesterday with Tom. Her mother joins her inside. She carries the FATHERS BOOTS. JEANNE (CONT'D) She's preparing a family museum. 63. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'm not sending the boots. I'm keeping them with me. I get strange shivers when I touch them. Jeanne goes into an ADJOINING ROOM while her mom continues reflecting, IRONING the JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER (CONT'D) All these military things never age. She looks up just in time to see that Jeanne has found her fathers gun and is pointing it in her direction. JEANNE When I was little, it seemed really heavy when Papa taught me how to shoot. JEANNE'S MOTHER I'm keeping that here. In a respectable household, it's useful to have a weapon. JEANNE You don't even know how to use it. JEANNE'S MOTHER The important thing is to have one. It makes an impression. JEANNE You really kept everything of Papa's. She shows her mom a picture she has scrounged up from her FATHERS WALLET of a TOPLESS NEGRO FEMALE. JEANNE (CONT'D) Who's that? His orderly? JEANNE'S MOTHER A fine example of a Berber. JEANNE Oh. 64. JEANNE'S MOTHER A strong race. I tried to employ them as servants, but it was disastrous. 'm glad I decided to send everything to the country. All his things were piling up and piling up. JEANNE Don't worry. You'll soon have all the space you want. JEANNE'S MOTHER What does that mean? JEANNE Nothing. She takes off the HAT and JACKET and throws them on the sofa. She heads to the FRONT DOOR with MOM FOLLOWING, on pins and needles. JEANNE (CONT'D) Madame, the colonel's lady, I announce... Mom RUNS IN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What? JEANNE On this solemn day... She goes out the door... JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What solemn day? She RUNS AFTER her daughter. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne is on the ELEVATOR. She sticks her head out. JEANNE I'm getting married in a week! She shuts the door and HEADS DOWN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What did you say? 65. Mom follows her down STEP FOR STEP. JEANNE To Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER Pardon? JEANNE Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER What are you doing in a week? CUT TO: EXT. OUTDOOR SHOP BAZAAR - DAY Tom and his FILM CREW film Jeanne trying on wedding dresses. He COUNTS DOWN to the shot. TOM Five... two! He does the CLAPPER with his hands. Jeanne and her HOST OF DRESSERS is lost in her fittings. TOM (CONT'D) Move into shot! We're shooting! They move into the center of the shop. We get another look at Jeanne's LEFT BREAST as it slips out of the dress being fitted. Tom fires off QUESTIONS for film purposes. TOM (CONT'D) So,... how do you see marriage? JEANNE Marriage? TOM Yes. Jeanne gives her upbeat EXTISTENTIAL RESPONSES as her fitting continues. JEANNE I see it everywhere. All the time. 66. TOM What do you mean, everywhere? JEANNE On walls. On buildings. TOM Walls and buildings? JEANNE Yes, on advertising hoardings. TOM What are they selling? Cars. Tinned meat. Cigarettes. JEANNE No. They're all about young couples. Before marriage, no children. Then the same couple, married with children. In short, marriage. The perfect, ideal, successful marriage. It's no longer the preserve of the Church. The husband was burdened with responsibilities and the wife nagged. Now, weddings in advertising smile! TOM They smile. On posters. JEANNE On posters, of course. But why t take poster marriage seriously? Marriage... Pop marriage! Tom comes out from under a DRESS. TOM Pop? That's the formula. For pop youth, pop marriage! But... what if the pop marriage doesn't work? JEANNE Then you have to fix it like you would a car. The spouses are two workers in overalls bending over an engine to fix it. TOM And in case of adultery what happens to the pop marriage? 67. JEANNE In that case, there are three or four workers. TOM What about love? Is love pop? JEANNE No. That's not. Love isn't pop. TOM Love isn't pop. So what is it? JEANNE The workers retire to a secret flat, take off their overalls and become men and women again and make love. The fussing on the dress is finished. Jeanne slowly, PUTS ON HER GLOVES, relishing them. She STRUTS slowly for all to stare and LAVISH her in her dress. Tom is CAPTIVATED. TOM You're wonderful. JEANNE It's the dress that makes the bride. TOM You're better than Rita Hayworth. He wanders out into the street. It is RAINING HEAVILY. Better than Joan Crawford! Better than Kim Novak! Better than Lauren Bacall! Better than Ava Gardner when she was Mickey Rooney's lover! Hes FILM CREW scatters for cover. TOM (CONT'D) What are you doing? Stop! Stop, but keep filming! Why aren't you filming in the rain? CREW 1 You're crazy! 68. They huddle underneath the DOOR of the FILM TRUCK. Tom has lost Jeanne in all the HUBUB. He is disgusted with his CREW. TOM You're all fired! He goes back to the SHOP. TOM (CONT'D) Where's Jeanne? DRESSER 1 She must have run off. TOM When? ln the rain? He runs down the street in the rain looking for her. JEANNE Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LOBBY - DAY Paul comes POINDING in from the rain. He STOMPS the water off his shoes. He breaks into an IMPROMPTU SOFT SHOE. He opens the gate to the ELEVATOR and gets on. He pushes the button. The elevator STARTS UP. JEANNE'S VOICE Please forgive me! Paul stops the elevator. He SENDS IT BACK DOWN. We see Jeanne has been waiting on the ADJACENT STAIRS for Paul. She is still in her WEDDING DRESS. She implores Paul from outside the elevator. JEANNE (FRENCH) Forgive me! I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. (ENGLISH) I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. I can't. I can't leave you, do you understand? 69. She stands, PLEADING at the ELEVATOR. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you still want me? Paul does the EYEBROW TRILL. He opens the elevator so she can get on. ELEVATOR As it ascends, Jeanne slowly RAISES HER DRESS, revealing NO UNDERWEAR and her AMPLE BUSH to Paul. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - ENTRANCE - MOMENTS LATER The door flies open. Paul comes in CARRYING Jeanne in his arms. PAUL Voil ! He starts doing a JIG AND SONG... all the way to the MATTRESSES. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh, there once was a man And he had an old sow ow! Hi-diddle- dow... He puts her on the bed. She is GIGGLING. PAUL (CONT'D) You're wet. Paul pats her stomach and leaves the room. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Paul opens the curtains. Jeanne's SCREAMS come from the other room. He goes to investigate. PAUL (CONT'D) What the hell? BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne screams BLOODY MURDER and points to a DEAD RAT on the STILL UNMADE MATTRESS. 70. PAUL (CONT'D) A rat. Only a rat. He PICKS IT UP by the tail. She stumbles over herself to get away. PAUL (CONT'D) There are more rats in Paris than people. Yum, yum, yum. He holds it out, OFFERING IT to her. She freaks. She runs to the other side of the room. JEANNE I want to go! He brings it to her... she continues to BACK PEDDLE. PAUL Wait, wait! Don't you want a bite first? You don't want to run and eat. JEANNE This is the end! He points to the ASS of the RAT. PAUL No, this is the end... Then points to the HEAD. PAUL (CONT'D) ...but I like to start with the head. That's the best part. Are you sure you won't have any? OK. He DANGLES IT over his mouth, flitting his tounge, pretending to eat it. She is gonna HURL. PAUL (CONT'D) What's the matter? You don't dig rat? JEANNE I wanna go! I can't make love in this bed any more. I can't. It's disgusting! Nauseating! PAUL Well, we'll fuck on the radiator or standing on the mantel. 71. He holds up the RAT again. PAUL (CONT'D) Listen, I gotta get some mayonnaise for this. Because, it really is good with mayonnaise. He heads out, then stops and LOOKS BACK AT HER. PAUL (CONT'D) I'll save the asshole for you. He really leaves this time. PAUL'S VOICE Rat's asshole with mayonnaise! He LAUGHS at himself. Jeanne is a BASKET CASE. She sits on her HAUNCHES, muttering. JEANNE I want to get out of here. I want to go. I can't stand it here any more. Yes. I'm going. She gets up, gets her purse and goes to the door. We see her ASS through the SHEER FABRIC of her wedding dress. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm not coming back... ever. She gets to the... FRONT DOOR Paul is there, WAITING, NONCHALANT. PAUL Quo vadis, baby? JEANNE I forgot to tell you something. I fell in love with somebody. PAUL Oh, isn't that wonderful? You know, you're going to have to get out of these wet duds. He PATS HER ASS. JEANNE I'm going to make love with him! 72. She opens the door but he closes it. She STOMPS into the HALL. PAUL Well, first you have to take a hot bath. Cos if you don't... He walks toward her. PAUL (CONT'D) ...you're gonna get pneumonia, right? Huh? She STOMPS a few more steps toward the BATHROOM. PAUL (CONT'D) And then you know what happens? You get pneumonia, then you know what happens? You die. And then, you know what happens when you die? I get to fuck the dead rat! He THROWS HER OVER his shoulder and carries her KICKING AND SCREAMING into the... CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM Jeanne is in the BATHTUB. Paul sits on the BIDET behind her with a WASHCLOTH. PAUL Give me the soap. She does. JEANNE I'm in love. PAUL You're in love? He shoves her head UNDER THE WATER. PAUL (CONT'D) How delightful. She comes up ANGRY. JEANNE I'm in love! I'm in love, you understand? 73. He SMACKS her with the washcloth on the head. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm in love, I'm in love! He SHOVES HER under again. JEANNE (CONT'D) Oh! I'm in love! He HITS HER on the head with her own shoe. She just gets more ANGRY. JEANNE (CONT'D) You know, you're old! You're getting fat. PAUL Fat, is it? How unkind. JEANNE Half of your hair is out and the other half is almost white. He smacks her in the mouth with the wash cloth, she smiles. PAUL In ten years, you'll be playing soccer with your tits. He starts WASHING HER back. PAUL (CONT'D) What do you think of that? You know what I'm gonna be doing? JEANNE You will be on a... wheelchair! PAUL Well, maybe. But, you know... I'll be smirking and giggling all the way to eternity. JEANNE How poetic. But please, before you go, wash my feet. She holds up A FOOT. PAUL OK. oblesse oblige. 74. He sits on the edge of the TUB and grabs her foot. He takes a sniff... She pulls it away. JEANNE You know, he and I, we make love. He WASHES her foot. PAUL Oh, really? That's wonderful. Is he a good fucker? JEANNE Magnificent. He puts up the OTHER FOOT to was, he obliges again. PAUL You know, you're a jerk. Cos the best fucking you're gonna get is right here in this apartment. Stand up. She does. He washes her ASS. JEANNE He is full of mysteries. PAUL Give me the soap. Listen, you dumb dodo. All the mysteries that you're ever gonna know in life are right here. He washes her STOMACH. JEANNE He is like everybody but... at the same time he's different. PAUL You mean, like everybody. JEANNE Yeah, but... even he fright me. Even he frightens me. PAUL What is he, your local pimp? JEANNE He could be. He looks it. You know why I'm in love with him? 75. PAUL I can't wait. JEANNE Because he know. He know how to make me fall in love with him. She gets out. He COVERS her with a BIG RED TOWEL. PAUL You want this man you love to protect and take care of you. JEANNE Yeah. PAUL You want this golden, shining, powerful warrior to build a fortress where you can hide in. So you don't have to ever... have... You don't ever have to be afraid. You don't have to feel lonely or empty. That's what you want, isn't it? JEANNE Yes. PAUL Well, you'll never find it. JEANNE But I find this man. PAUL Then it won't be long until he'll want you to build a fortress for him out of your tits and out of your cunt and your hair and your smile and the way you smell. And... and some place where he can feel comfortable and secure enough so that he can worship in front of the altar of his own prick. JEANNE But I find this man! They lean against SEPERATE WALLS. 76. PAUL No, you're alone. You're all alone. You won't be free of that feeling of being alone until you look death right in the face. I mean, that sounds like bullshit, some romantic crap, until you go right up into the ass of death. Right up in his ass... till you find the womb of fear. And then,... maybe... Maybe then, you'll be able to find him. JEANNE But I find this man. He's you! You are that man! Paul doesn't like that comment. He needs to TEACH HER another LESSON. He bites a HANGNAIL. PAUL Get me the scissors. JEANNE What? PAUL Get me the fingernail scissors. She STOMPS past him to get them, hands them to him. PAUL (CONT'D) No. I want you to cut the fingernails on your right hand, these two. She DOES. JEANNE That's it. He stands FACING the wall and PULLS HIS pants down. PAUL I want you to put your fingers up my ass. JEANNE What? PAUL Put your fingers up my ass, are you deaf? Go on. I'm gonna get a pig... and I'm... I'm gonna have the pig fuck you. (MORE) 77. PAUL (CONT'D) I want the pig to vomit in your face and I want you to swallow the vomit. Are you gonna do that for me? JEANNE Yeah. PAUL Huh? JEANNE Yeah! PAUL I want the pig to die while... while you're fucking him. Then you'll have to go behind him. I want you to smell the dying farts of the pig. Are you gonna do all of that for me? JEANNE Yes, and more than that! And worse! And worse than before. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - TEMPORARY VIEWING ROOM - DAY ROSA'S WAKE. Rosa's mother has set up a room in the Hotel as a VIEWING ROOM for her daughter. She is, as promised, surrounded by TONS OF FLOWERS. Paul comes in and pulls up a chair next to ROSA. He turns on the LIGHT. PAUL You look ridiculous in that make- up. Like the caricature of a whore. A little touch of Mommy in the night. Fake Ophelia drowned in the bathtub. I wish you could see yourself. You'd really laugh. You're your mother's masterpiece. He pulls the chair closer to her. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh Christ! There are too many fucking flowers in this place. I can't breathe. You know on the top of the closet? (MORE) 78. PAUL (CONT'D) The cardboard box, I found all your... I found all your little goodies. Pens, keychains, foreign money, French ticklers, the whole shot. Even a clergyman's collar. I didn't know you collected all those little knick-knacks left behind. Even if the husband lives fucking years, he's never going to be able to discover his wife's real nature. I mean, I... I might be able to comprehend the universe, but... 'll never discover the truth bout you. Never. I mean, who the hell were you? Remember that day, the first day I was there? I knew that I couldn't get into your pants unless I said... What did I say? Oh, yeah. "May I have my bill, please? I have to leave." Remember? Last night... I ripped off the lights on your mother. And the whole joint went bananas. All your... guests... as you used to call them... Well, I guess that includes me, doesn't it? It does include me, doesn't it? For five years, I was more a guest in this fucking flophouse than a husband. With privileges, of course. And then, to help me understand you, you let me inherit Marcel. The husband's double, whose room was the double of ours. And you know what? I didn't even have the guts to ask him. Didn't have the guts to ask him if the same numbers you and I did were the same numbers you did with him. Our marriage was nothing more than a foxhole for you. And all it took for you to get out was a -cent razor and a tub full of water. You cheap, goddamn, fucking, godforsaken whore. I hope you rot in hell. You're worse than the dirtiest street pig anybody could find, and you know why? You know why? Because you lied. You lied to me and I trusted you. You lied. You knew you were lying! Go on, tell me you didn't lie. Haven't you got anything to say about that? You can think up something, can't you? (MORE) 79. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me something! Smile, you cunt! He STARTS to WEEP. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me... Tell me something sweet. Smile at me and say I just misunderstood. Go on, tell me. You pig-fucker! You goddamn, fucking, pig-fucking liar. Rosa, I'm sorry... I just can't... I can't stand it... to see these goddamn things on your face. You never wore make-up. This fucking shit. I'm gonna take this off your mouth. This lipstick... Rosa... Oh, God! He COLLAPSES on her, SOBBING. PAUL (CONT'D) I'm sorry. I don't know why you did it. I'd do it too, if I knew how. I just don't know how. I have to... I have to find a way. [OC] We hear a voice. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Is anyone there? PAUL What? PROSTITUTE'S VOICE There was a noise in there! PAUL All right, I'm... I'm coming. (back to ROSA) I have to go. I have to go, sweetheart, baby. Somebody's calling me. He starts to the door. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Well? Is anyone there? PAUL Yeah. I'm coming. CUT TO: 80. INT. HOTEL - ENTRANCE - DAY Outside the FRONT DOOR, the source of the voice, a WORN OUT and OLD PROSTITUTE. She is with her JOHN. PROSTITUTE (TO JOHN) Here he is. (TO PAUL) Hurry up! Wake up! Open up! Open up! PAUL It's four in the morning. PROSTITUTE I need room four for a while. (TO JOHN) Half an hour? (TO PAUL) Yes, that'll do. Yes, half an hour. PAUL We're full. She knocks on the door, INCESANTLY. PROSTITUTE That's not true. When you're full, you put a sign outside. I know the hotel. I'm sick of arguing out on the street. Call the owner. What are you waiting for? The owner has never made a fuss. Rosa and I are old friends. Open up. Paul opens up. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Don't make any trouble or I'll tell your boss. (TO JOHN) Come in, it's all sorted... But the man has LEFT. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) You've won. He's taken off. PAUL I'm very sorry. PROSTITUTE Hurry up! He can't be far away. 81. She PUSHES him out to the street. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Make him come back. Tell him he can't just walk off. She SHOVES HIM out the door and DOWN THE STREET. Paul CHASES the man on foot for BLOCKS and BLOCKS. He finally CATCHES UP to him in a --- CUT TO: EXT. PARIS STREET - ALLEY - MORNING The JOHN figures he has gotten away. He reverses his TRENCH COAT to the appropriate side. Paul comes around the corner. The John doesn't see any HOSTILITY coming. But it DOES. JOHN Oh,... please don't tell her you found me. I don't fancy it any more. Did you see her face? Once, my wife satisfied me. But now she's got a skin disease. It's like snakeskin. Put yourself in my place. Paul grabs him by the tie and drags him. PAUL Come. Come with me. The man FIGHTS BACK. JOHN But... Let go of me! Paul doesn't like that. He ROUGHS HIM UP, throwing him from WALL TO WALL. JOHN (CONT'D) You're crazy! Let go of me! Let go! He ends up on the ground MINUS HIS COAT. Paul KICKS HIM IN THE ASS like a dog. PAUL Get the fuck out of here! 82. The man RUNS OFF. PAUL (CONT'D) Faggot! Paul heads back up the ALLEY as the man CONTINUES OFF in the f.g. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - PAUL AND ROSA'S ROOM - DAY Paul lays down on his TWIN BED with his ROBE on over his clothes. We see that his BAGS ARE PACKED. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - BEDROOM - DAY We see that the mattress is gone. Only a pile of sheets and pillows remain in the room. Jeanne is on the floor, on her knees, doubled over in SICK GRIEF. PAUL HAS MOVED OUT. JEANNE No! She WANDERS through the apt., GRIEF STRICKEN, from room to room. We see only a FEW BELONGINGS left around. Shoes, the CAT (where was it for the "rat problem"?) and phone. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne RIPS THE SHEET OFF the piece of furniture that has been COVERED UP all along. We all wondered what was underneath that was so precious. It's nothing special. She COLLAPSES in grief again, the furniture falling on her, she KICKS IT OFF. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - FRONT DESK - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne talks to the CRAZY Concierge from BEFORE. Her head STUCK through the LITTLE WINDOW while the crazy woman PUFFS a cig. 83. JEANNE Try and remember! The man from the fourth floor. He moved in a few days ago. CONCIERGE I told you, I don't know anyone. They come and go. The man on the fourth, the woman on the first. What do I know? She gives a CRAZY CACKLE. JEANNE Where did they take the furniture too? It's empty. Where do you send his mail? Give me his address. CONCIERGE I don't have it. I don't know these people. JEANNE Not even his name? CONCIERGE Nothing! Jeanne STORMS OUT. CONCIERGE (CONT'D) Ma'zelle! CUT TO: INT. PAYPHONE BOOTH - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne is on the payphone in the bar from before. She speaks to Tom. Still DESPONDENT, tears stream down her face. JEANNE I've found a flat for us. 1 rue Jules Verne. Yes. In Passy. Come quickly! You'll come now? Do you know where it is? I'll wait for you. Come over. She struggles to HANG UP THE PHONE through her grief. She BREAKS DOWN, closing the door for privacy. 84. We can SEE HER through the door as she leans on it. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - DAY The front DOORBELL RINGS. JEANNE Come in, it's open. Tom comes in. Jeanne stares out the window. She is BATHED in sunlight. Tom LOOKS AROUND in b.g. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you like our flat? It's very light. There's a tiny room, too. It's too small for a double bed. It would be fine for a child. Fidel. That's a nice name for a boy. Fidel, as in Castro. TOM But I'd like a girl, too. Rosa. As in Rosa Luxemburg. Less famous, but I like it. You know, I wanted to film you every day. In the morning, when you wake up, in the evening, when you sleep. When you first smile, and I didn't film any of that. Here. He hands her FLOWERS. She REGARDS them. He circles to her front. TOM (CONT'D) Today is the last day of shooting. The film is finished. I don't like things that finish, things that end. You have to start something else right away. They EMBRACE and KISS. THAT ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Tom looks around the place. 85. TOM (CONT'D) This flat is huge! Jeanne has made her way to the DINING ROOM. TOM (CONT'D) Where are you? JEANNE I'm here! They continue shouting across the apt. TOM It's too big! We'll get lost! JEANNE Stop it! Don't start! TOM How did you find this flat? JEANNE By chance. TOM We'll change everything! Jeanne holds her ARMS OUT like a bird. JEANNE Everything! We'll change chance to destiny. TOM Go on, Jeanne. Take off! MUSIC RISES as Jeanne pretends to FLY AROUND the apt. from ROOM TO ROOM making AIRPLANE NOISES as Tom DIRECTS HER. TOM (CONT'D) Fly away, you're in heaven! You're soaring, you're in heaven! Come down, take a nose dive, come down! Make three turns, come down. Jeanne, what's happening? There's an air pocket. Tom gets SUDDENLY SERIOUS. JEANNE What's happening? 86. TOM The patches of turbulence are over. We can't play like children any more, Jeanne. This stops Jeanne in her TRACKS. They face each other. TOM (CONT'D) We're adults. JEANNE Adults? That's awful! TOM Yes. It's awful. JEANNE What do adults do? TOM I don't know. We'll have to invent the gestures and the words. For example, adults... He walks slowly toward her. They EMBRACE PASSIONATELY. They kiss. He breaks away again, SERIOUS. TOM (CONT'D) But there's one thing I do know. Adults are calm... He walks backward as Jeanne STALKS HIM. TOM (CONT'D) ...serious, logical, measured, level-headed... JEANNE Yes... TOM And... they face up to problems... JEANNE ...Yes, yes. Yes, yes. He STOPS ABRUPTLY. 87. TOM You see, Jeanne, this flat won't work for us. This flat, it won't work for us, Jeanne. JEANNE Where are you going? TOM To look for a flat. He walks out to a SHOCKED Jeanne. JEANNE What kind of flat? But he COMES BACK. TOM A flat we can live in. JEANNE We can live here. TOM It's squalid. It smells. It makes me sick.

building

How many times the word 'building' appears in the text?

COMES... PAUL You... You... You... You f... You... fucking... fucking... family. You fucking... family! Oh, God... Jesus. Oh, you... Oh... 58. He COLLAPSES on her, SPENT as she continues to WEEP. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - THAT MOMENT A TRAIN ROARS by on the TRAIN BRIDGE. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM Paul is SLEEPING on the floor amidst the BREAD AND BUTTER. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - MOMENTS LATER Another couple of TRAINS go by. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - LATER Paul SLEEPS more. On his STOMACH now, with his foot on a piece of FURNITURE. Jeanne puts a record on the RECORD PLAYER she brought with her. She goes to plug it into the FLOOR PLUG but gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. JEANNE Shit! She looks at him sleeping. JEANNE (CONT'D) Hey, you! He looks at her UPSIDE DOWN. JEANNE (CONT'D) Yes, you! PAUL Huh? JEANNE I've got a surprise for you. 59. PAUL What? He looks at himself in a SMALL MIRROR. JEANNE I've got a surprise for you! PAUL That's good. I like surprises. He FLIPS HIMSELF over backwards onto his feet. He walks over to her and the RECORD PLAYER. He stares down at her. PAUL (CONT'D) What is it? JEANNE Music. But I don't know how to work it. He sits on the FLOOR next to her. He plugs in the RECORD PLAYER. He JUMPS as he gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. Jeanne is secretly amused. PAUL Do you enjoy that? He gets the RECORD PLAYING. It's some 70's HIPPY MUSIC. Jeanne sways to it while Paul reads the JACKET COVER. CUT TO: EXT. PASSY VIADUCT PARK - DAY HIPPIE MUSIC CONTINUES Tom and Jeanne sit, ROMANTICALLY ENTWINED on a SEA WALL while his FILM CREW films in the b.g. They sit FACE TO FACE, he holds her shoulders and stares into her eyes. TOM Do you know why I sent the others away? JEANNE Because you're angry, or you want to be alone with me? 60. TOM And why do I want to be alone with you? JEANNE You have something really serious to tell me. He plays with her hair. TOM I have something really very serious to tell you. JEANNE Is it happy or sad? TOM It's a secret. JEANNE So it's happy. What sort of secret? TOM A secret... As his FILM CREW dolly around them in the b.g., his SOUND PERSON yells at them. SOUND PERSON Speak up! I can't hear anything. TOM ...between a man and a woman. JEANNE Is it dirty or is it about love? TOM About love. But that's not all. JEANNE A secret about love, but which isn't love. What is it?! He puts a LIFE PRESERVER over her. TOM Voila. That in a week I'm marrying you. JEANNE What? 61. TOM I'm marrying you. JEANNE What?! TOM I'm marrying you! JEANNE You're marrying me? TOM Yes! JEANNE We're getting married? TOM Yes we're getting married. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE No! TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM No. Are we getting married or not? JEANNE I don't know. 62. TOM So, yes, then? JEANNE Yes! TOM No! JEANNE Yes! TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes or no? She take the life preserver off and THROWS IT IN THE WATER. Together, they WATCH IT SINK. CUT TO: EXT. JEANNE'S MOTHERS APT. - PORCH - DAY JEANNE'S MOTHER beats the dirt off her LATE HUSBANDS MILITARY JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'll send everything to the country. What do you think, Jeanne? INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne tries on another of her FATHERS MILITARY UNIFORMS complete with HAT. JEANNE Olympia will be happy. I went there yesterday with Tom. Her mother joins her inside. She carries the FATHERS BOOTS. JEANNE (CONT'D) She's preparing a family museum. 63. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'm not sending the boots. I'm keeping them with me. I get strange shivers when I touch them. Jeanne goes into an ADJOINING ROOM while her mom continues reflecting, IRONING the JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER (CONT'D) All these military things never age. She looks up just in time to see that Jeanne has found her fathers gun and is pointing it in her direction. JEANNE When I was little, it seemed really heavy when Papa taught me how to shoot. JEANNE'S MOTHER I'm keeping that here. In a respectable household, it's useful to have a weapon. JEANNE You don't even know how to use it. JEANNE'S MOTHER The important thing is to have one. It makes an impression. JEANNE You really kept everything of Papa's. She shows her mom a picture she has scrounged up from her FATHERS WALLET of a TOPLESS NEGRO FEMALE. JEANNE (CONT'D) Who's that? His orderly? JEANNE'S MOTHER A fine example of a Berber. JEANNE Oh. 64. JEANNE'S MOTHER A strong race. I tried to employ them as servants, but it was disastrous. 'm glad I decided to send everything to the country. All his things were piling up and piling up. JEANNE Don't worry. You'll soon have all the space you want. JEANNE'S MOTHER What does that mean? JEANNE Nothing. She takes off the HAT and JACKET and throws them on the sofa. She heads to the FRONT DOOR with MOM FOLLOWING, on pins and needles. JEANNE (CONT'D) Madame, the colonel's lady, I announce... Mom RUNS IN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What? JEANNE On this solemn day... She goes out the door... JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What solemn day? She RUNS AFTER her daughter. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne is on the ELEVATOR. She sticks her head out. JEANNE I'm getting married in a week! She shuts the door and HEADS DOWN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What did you say? 65. Mom follows her down STEP FOR STEP. JEANNE To Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER Pardon? JEANNE Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER What are you doing in a week? CUT TO: EXT. OUTDOOR SHOP BAZAAR - DAY Tom and his FILM CREW film Jeanne trying on wedding dresses. He COUNTS DOWN to the shot. TOM Five... two! He does the CLAPPER with his hands. Jeanne and her HOST OF DRESSERS is lost in her fittings. TOM (CONT'D) Move into shot! We're shooting! They move into the center of the shop. We get another look at Jeanne's LEFT BREAST as it slips out of the dress being fitted. Tom fires off QUESTIONS for film purposes. TOM (CONT'D) So,... how do you see marriage? JEANNE Marriage? TOM Yes. Jeanne gives her upbeat EXTISTENTIAL RESPONSES as her fitting continues. JEANNE I see it everywhere. All the time. 66. TOM What do you mean, everywhere? JEANNE On walls. On buildings. TOM Walls and buildings? JEANNE Yes, on advertising hoardings. TOM What are they selling? Cars. Tinned meat. Cigarettes. JEANNE No. They're all about young couples. Before marriage, no children. Then the same couple, married with children. In short, marriage. The perfect, ideal, successful marriage. It's no longer the preserve of the Church. The husband was burdened with responsibilities and the wife nagged. Now, weddings in advertising smile! TOM They smile. On posters. JEANNE On posters, of course. But why t take poster marriage seriously? Marriage... Pop marriage! Tom comes out from under a DRESS. TOM Pop? That's the formula. For pop youth, pop marriage! But... what if the pop marriage doesn't work? JEANNE Then you have to fix it like you would a car. The spouses are two workers in overalls bending over an engine to fix it. TOM And in case of adultery what happens to the pop marriage? 67. JEANNE In that case, there are three or four workers. TOM What about love? Is love pop? JEANNE No. That's not. Love isn't pop. TOM Love isn't pop. So what is it? JEANNE The workers retire to a secret flat, take off their overalls and become men and women again and make love. The fussing on the dress is finished. Jeanne slowly, PUTS ON HER GLOVES, relishing them. She STRUTS slowly for all to stare and LAVISH her in her dress. Tom is CAPTIVATED. TOM You're wonderful. JEANNE It's the dress that makes the bride. TOM You're better than Rita Hayworth. He wanders out into the street. It is RAINING HEAVILY. Better than Joan Crawford! Better than Kim Novak! Better than Lauren Bacall! Better than Ava Gardner when she was Mickey Rooney's lover! Hes FILM CREW scatters for cover. TOM (CONT'D) What are you doing? Stop! Stop, but keep filming! Why aren't you filming in the rain? CREW 1 You're crazy! 68. They huddle underneath the DOOR of the FILM TRUCK. Tom has lost Jeanne in all the HUBUB. He is disgusted with his CREW. TOM You're all fired! He goes back to the SHOP. TOM (CONT'D) Where's Jeanne? DRESSER 1 She must have run off. TOM When? ln the rain? He runs down the street in the rain looking for her. JEANNE Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LOBBY - DAY Paul comes POINDING in from the rain. He STOMPS the water off his shoes. He breaks into an IMPROMPTU SOFT SHOE. He opens the gate to the ELEVATOR and gets on. He pushes the button. The elevator STARTS UP. JEANNE'S VOICE Please forgive me! Paul stops the elevator. He SENDS IT BACK DOWN. We see Jeanne has been waiting on the ADJACENT STAIRS for Paul. She is still in her WEDDING DRESS. She implores Paul from outside the elevator. JEANNE (FRENCH) Forgive me! I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. (ENGLISH) I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. I can't. I can't leave you, do you understand? 69. She stands, PLEADING at the ELEVATOR. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you still want me? Paul does the EYEBROW TRILL. He opens the elevator so she can get on. ELEVATOR As it ascends, Jeanne slowly RAISES HER DRESS, revealing NO UNDERWEAR and her AMPLE BUSH to Paul. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - ENTRANCE - MOMENTS LATER The door flies open. Paul comes in CARRYING Jeanne in his arms. PAUL Voil ! He starts doing a JIG AND SONG... all the way to the MATTRESSES. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh, there once was a man And he had an old sow ow! Hi-diddle- dow... He puts her on the bed. She is GIGGLING. PAUL (CONT'D) You're wet. Paul pats her stomach and leaves the room. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Paul opens the curtains. Jeanne's SCREAMS come from the other room. He goes to investigate. PAUL (CONT'D) What the hell? BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne screams BLOODY MURDER and points to a DEAD RAT on the STILL UNMADE MATTRESS. 70. PAUL (CONT'D) A rat. Only a rat. He PICKS IT UP by the tail. She stumbles over herself to get away. PAUL (CONT'D) There are more rats in Paris than people. Yum, yum, yum. He holds it out, OFFERING IT to her. She freaks. She runs to the other side of the room. JEANNE I want to go! He brings it to her... she continues to BACK PEDDLE. PAUL Wait, wait! Don't you want a bite first? You don't want to run and eat. JEANNE This is the end! He points to the ASS of the RAT. PAUL No, this is the end... Then points to the HEAD. PAUL (CONT'D) ...but I like to start with the head. That's the best part. Are you sure you won't have any? OK. He DANGLES IT over his mouth, flitting his tounge, pretending to eat it. She is gonna HURL. PAUL (CONT'D) What's the matter? You don't dig rat? JEANNE I wanna go! I can't make love in this bed any more. I can't. It's disgusting! Nauseating! PAUL Well, we'll fuck on the radiator or standing on the mantel. 71. He holds up the RAT again. PAUL (CONT'D) Listen, I gotta get some mayonnaise for this. Because, it really is good with mayonnaise. He heads out, then stops and LOOKS BACK AT HER. PAUL (CONT'D) I'll save the asshole for you. He really leaves this time. PAUL'S VOICE Rat's asshole with mayonnaise! He LAUGHS at himself. Jeanne is a BASKET CASE. She sits on her HAUNCHES, muttering. JEANNE I want to get out of here. I want to go. I can't stand it here any more. Yes. I'm going. She gets up, gets her purse and goes to the door. We see her ASS through the SHEER FABRIC of her wedding dress. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm not coming back... ever. She gets to the... FRONT DOOR Paul is there, WAITING, NONCHALANT. PAUL Quo vadis, baby? JEANNE I forgot to tell you something. I fell in love with somebody. PAUL Oh, isn't that wonderful? You know, you're going to have to get out of these wet duds. He PATS HER ASS. JEANNE I'm going to make love with him! 72. She opens the door but he closes it. She STOMPS into the HALL. PAUL Well, first you have to take a hot bath. Cos if you don't... He walks toward her. PAUL (CONT'D) ...you're gonna get pneumonia, right? Huh? She STOMPS a few more steps toward the BATHROOM. PAUL (CONT'D) And then you know what happens? You get pneumonia, then you know what happens? You die. And then, you know what happens when you die? I get to fuck the dead rat! He THROWS HER OVER his shoulder and carries her KICKING AND SCREAMING into the... CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM Jeanne is in the BATHTUB. Paul sits on the BIDET behind her with a WASHCLOTH. PAUL Give me the soap. She does. JEANNE I'm in love. PAUL You're in love? He shoves her head UNDER THE WATER. PAUL (CONT'D) How delightful. She comes up ANGRY. JEANNE I'm in love! I'm in love, you understand? 73. He SMACKS her with the washcloth on the head. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm in love, I'm in love! He SHOVES HER under again. JEANNE (CONT'D) Oh! I'm in love! He HITS HER on the head with her own shoe. She just gets more ANGRY. JEANNE (CONT'D) You know, you're old! You're getting fat. PAUL Fat, is it? How unkind. JEANNE Half of your hair is out and the other half is almost white. He smacks her in the mouth with the wash cloth, she smiles. PAUL In ten years, you'll be playing soccer with your tits. He starts WASHING HER back. PAUL (CONT'D) What do you think of that? You know what I'm gonna be doing? JEANNE You will be on a... wheelchair! PAUL Well, maybe. But, you know... I'll be smirking and giggling all the way to eternity. JEANNE How poetic. But please, before you go, wash my feet. She holds up A FOOT. PAUL OK. oblesse oblige. 74. He sits on the edge of the TUB and grabs her foot. He takes a sniff... She pulls it away. JEANNE You know, he and I, we make love. He WASHES her foot. PAUL Oh, really? That's wonderful. Is he a good fucker? JEANNE Magnificent. He puts up the OTHER FOOT to was, he obliges again. PAUL You know, you're a jerk. Cos the best fucking you're gonna get is right here in this apartment. Stand up. She does. He washes her ASS. JEANNE He is full of mysteries. PAUL Give me the soap. Listen, you dumb dodo. All the mysteries that you're ever gonna know in life are right here. He washes her STOMACH. JEANNE He is like everybody but... at the same time he's different. PAUL You mean, like everybody. JEANNE Yeah, but... even he fright me. Even he frightens me. PAUL What is he, your local pimp? JEANNE He could be. He looks it. You know why I'm in love with him? 75. PAUL I can't wait. JEANNE Because he know. He know how to make me fall in love with him. She gets out. He COVERS her with a BIG RED TOWEL. PAUL You want this man you love to protect and take care of you. JEANNE Yeah. PAUL You want this golden, shining, powerful warrior to build a fortress where you can hide in. So you don't have to ever... have... You don't ever have to be afraid. You don't have to feel lonely or empty. That's what you want, isn't it? JEANNE Yes. PAUL Well, you'll never find it. JEANNE But I find this man. PAUL Then it won't be long until he'll want you to build a fortress for him out of your tits and out of your cunt and your hair and your smile and the way you smell. And... and some place where he can feel comfortable and secure enough so that he can worship in front of the altar of his own prick. JEANNE But I find this man! They lean against SEPERATE WALLS. 76. PAUL No, you're alone. You're all alone. You won't be free of that feeling of being alone until you look death right in the face. I mean, that sounds like bullshit, some romantic crap, until you go right up into the ass of death. Right up in his ass... till you find the womb of fear. And then,... maybe... Maybe then, you'll be able to find him. JEANNE But I find this man. He's you! You are that man! Paul doesn't like that comment. He needs to TEACH HER another LESSON. He bites a HANGNAIL. PAUL Get me the scissors. JEANNE What? PAUL Get me the fingernail scissors. She STOMPS past him to get them, hands them to him. PAUL (CONT'D) No. I want you to cut the fingernails on your right hand, these two. She DOES. JEANNE That's it. He stands FACING the wall and PULLS HIS pants down. PAUL I want you to put your fingers up my ass. JEANNE What? PAUL Put your fingers up my ass, are you deaf? Go on. I'm gonna get a pig... and I'm... I'm gonna have the pig fuck you. (MORE) 77. PAUL (CONT'D) I want the pig to vomit in your face and I want you to swallow the vomit. Are you gonna do that for me? JEANNE Yeah. PAUL Huh? JEANNE Yeah! PAUL I want the pig to die while... while you're fucking him. Then you'll have to go behind him. I want you to smell the dying farts of the pig. Are you gonna do all of that for me? JEANNE Yes, and more than that! And worse! And worse than before. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - TEMPORARY VIEWING ROOM - DAY ROSA'S WAKE. Rosa's mother has set up a room in the Hotel as a VIEWING ROOM for her daughter. She is, as promised, surrounded by TONS OF FLOWERS. Paul comes in and pulls up a chair next to ROSA. He turns on the LIGHT. PAUL You look ridiculous in that make- up. Like the caricature of a whore. A little touch of Mommy in the night. Fake Ophelia drowned in the bathtub. I wish you could see yourself. You'd really laugh. You're your mother's masterpiece. He pulls the chair closer to her. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh Christ! There are too many fucking flowers in this place. I can't breathe. You know on the top of the closet? (MORE) 78. PAUL (CONT'D) The cardboard box, I found all your... I found all your little goodies. Pens, keychains, foreign money, French ticklers, the whole shot. Even a clergyman's collar. I didn't know you collected all those little knick-knacks left behind. Even if the husband lives fucking years, he's never going to be able to discover his wife's real nature. I mean, I... I might be able to comprehend the universe, but... 'll never discover the truth bout you. Never. I mean, who the hell were you? Remember that day, the first day I was there? I knew that I couldn't get into your pants unless I said... What did I say? Oh, yeah. "May I have my bill, please? I have to leave." Remember? Last night... I ripped off the lights on your mother. And the whole joint went bananas. All your... guests... as you used to call them... Well, I guess that includes me, doesn't it? It does include me, doesn't it? For five years, I was more a guest in this fucking flophouse than a husband. With privileges, of course. And then, to help me understand you, you let me inherit Marcel. The husband's double, whose room was the double of ours. And you know what? I didn't even have the guts to ask him. Didn't have the guts to ask him if the same numbers you and I did were the same numbers you did with him. Our marriage was nothing more than a foxhole for you. And all it took for you to get out was a -cent razor and a tub full of water. You cheap, goddamn, fucking, godforsaken whore. I hope you rot in hell. You're worse than the dirtiest street pig anybody could find, and you know why? You know why? Because you lied. You lied to me and I trusted you. You lied. You knew you were lying! Go on, tell me you didn't lie. Haven't you got anything to say about that? You can think up something, can't you? (MORE) 79. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me something! Smile, you cunt! He STARTS to WEEP. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me... Tell me something sweet. Smile at me and say I just misunderstood. Go on, tell me. You pig-fucker! You goddamn, fucking, pig-fucking liar. Rosa, I'm sorry... I just can't... I can't stand it... to see these goddamn things on your face. You never wore make-up. This fucking shit. I'm gonna take this off your mouth. This lipstick... Rosa... Oh, God! He COLLAPSES on her, SOBBING. PAUL (CONT'D) I'm sorry. I don't know why you did it. I'd do it too, if I knew how. I just don't know how. I have to... I have to find a way. [OC] We hear a voice. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Is anyone there? PAUL What? PROSTITUTE'S VOICE There was a noise in there! PAUL All right, I'm... I'm coming. (back to ROSA) I have to go. I have to go, sweetheart, baby. Somebody's calling me. He starts to the door. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Well? Is anyone there? PAUL Yeah. I'm coming. CUT TO: 80. INT. HOTEL - ENTRANCE - DAY Outside the FRONT DOOR, the source of the voice, a WORN OUT and OLD PROSTITUTE. She is with her JOHN. PROSTITUTE (TO JOHN) Here he is. (TO PAUL) Hurry up! Wake up! Open up! Open up! PAUL It's four in the morning. PROSTITUTE I need room four for a while. (TO JOHN) Half an hour? (TO PAUL) Yes, that'll do. Yes, half an hour. PAUL We're full. She knocks on the door, INCESANTLY. PROSTITUTE That's not true. When you're full, you put a sign outside. I know the hotel. I'm sick of arguing out on the street. Call the owner. What are you waiting for? The owner has never made a fuss. Rosa and I are old friends. Open up. Paul opens up. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Don't make any trouble or I'll tell your boss. (TO JOHN) Come in, it's all sorted... But the man has LEFT. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) You've won. He's taken off. PAUL I'm very sorry. PROSTITUTE Hurry up! He can't be far away. 81. She PUSHES him out to the street. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Make him come back. Tell him he can't just walk off. She SHOVES HIM out the door and DOWN THE STREET. Paul CHASES the man on foot for BLOCKS and BLOCKS. He finally CATCHES UP to him in a --- CUT TO: EXT. PARIS STREET - ALLEY - MORNING The JOHN figures he has gotten away. He reverses his TRENCH COAT to the appropriate side. Paul comes around the corner. The John doesn't see any HOSTILITY coming. But it DOES. JOHN Oh,... please don't tell her you found me. I don't fancy it any more. Did you see her face? Once, my wife satisfied me. But now she's got a skin disease. It's like snakeskin. Put yourself in my place. Paul grabs him by the tie and drags him. PAUL Come. Come with me. The man FIGHTS BACK. JOHN But... Let go of me! Paul doesn't like that. He ROUGHS HIM UP, throwing him from WALL TO WALL. JOHN (CONT'D) You're crazy! Let go of me! Let go! He ends up on the ground MINUS HIS COAT. Paul KICKS HIM IN THE ASS like a dog. PAUL Get the fuck out of here! 82. The man RUNS OFF. PAUL (CONT'D) Faggot! Paul heads back up the ALLEY as the man CONTINUES OFF in the f.g. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - PAUL AND ROSA'S ROOM - DAY Paul lays down on his TWIN BED with his ROBE on over his clothes. We see that his BAGS ARE PACKED. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - BEDROOM - DAY We see that the mattress is gone. Only a pile of sheets and pillows remain in the room. Jeanne is on the floor, on her knees, doubled over in SICK GRIEF. PAUL HAS MOVED OUT. JEANNE No! She WANDERS through the apt., GRIEF STRICKEN, from room to room. We see only a FEW BELONGINGS left around. Shoes, the CAT (where was it for the "rat problem"?) and phone. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne RIPS THE SHEET OFF the piece of furniture that has been COVERED UP all along. We all wondered what was underneath that was so precious. It's nothing special. She COLLAPSES in grief again, the furniture falling on her, she KICKS IT OFF. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - FRONT DESK - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne talks to the CRAZY Concierge from BEFORE. Her head STUCK through the LITTLE WINDOW while the crazy woman PUFFS a cig. 83. JEANNE Try and remember! The man from the fourth floor. He moved in a few days ago. CONCIERGE I told you, I don't know anyone. They come and go. The man on the fourth, the woman on the first. What do I know? She gives a CRAZY CACKLE. JEANNE Where did they take the furniture too? It's empty. Where do you send his mail? Give me his address. CONCIERGE I don't have it. I don't know these people. JEANNE Not even his name? CONCIERGE Nothing! Jeanne STORMS OUT. CONCIERGE (CONT'D) Ma'zelle! CUT TO: INT. PAYPHONE BOOTH - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne is on the payphone in the bar from before. She speaks to Tom. Still DESPONDENT, tears stream down her face. JEANNE I've found a flat for us. 1 rue Jules Verne. Yes. In Passy. Come quickly! You'll come now? Do you know where it is? I'll wait for you. Come over. She struggles to HANG UP THE PHONE through her grief. She BREAKS DOWN, closing the door for privacy. 84. We can SEE HER through the door as she leans on it. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - DAY The front DOORBELL RINGS. JEANNE Come in, it's open. Tom comes in. Jeanne stares out the window. She is BATHED in sunlight. Tom LOOKS AROUND in b.g. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you like our flat? It's very light. There's a tiny room, too. It's too small for a double bed. It would be fine for a child. Fidel. That's a nice name for a boy. Fidel, as in Castro. TOM But I'd like a girl, too. Rosa. As in Rosa Luxemburg. Less famous, but I like it. You know, I wanted to film you every day. In the morning, when you wake up, in the evening, when you sleep. When you first smile, and I didn't film any of that. Here. He hands her FLOWERS. She REGARDS them. He circles to her front. TOM (CONT'D) Today is the last day of shooting. The film is finished. I don't like things that finish, things that end. You have to start something else right away. They EMBRACE and KISS. THAT ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Tom looks around the place. 85. TOM (CONT'D) This flat is huge! Jeanne has made her way to the DINING ROOM. TOM (CONT'D) Where are you? JEANNE I'm here! They continue shouting across the apt. TOM It's too big! We'll get lost! JEANNE Stop it! Don't start! TOM How did you find this flat? JEANNE By chance. TOM We'll change everything! Jeanne holds her ARMS OUT like a bird. JEANNE Everything! We'll change chance to destiny. TOM Go on, Jeanne. Take off! MUSIC RISES as Jeanne pretends to FLY AROUND the apt. from ROOM TO ROOM making AIRPLANE NOISES as Tom DIRECTS HER. TOM (CONT'D) Fly away, you're in heaven! You're soaring, you're in heaven! Come down, take a nose dive, come down! Make three turns, come down. Jeanne, what's happening? There's an air pocket. Tom gets SUDDENLY SERIOUS. JEANNE What's happening? 86. TOM The patches of turbulence are over. We can't play like children any more, Jeanne. This stops Jeanne in her TRACKS. They face each other. TOM (CONT'D) We're adults. JEANNE Adults? That's awful! TOM Yes. It's awful. JEANNE What do adults do? TOM I don't know. We'll have to invent the gestures and the words. For example, adults... He walks slowly toward her. They EMBRACE PASSIONATELY. They kiss. He breaks away again, SERIOUS. TOM (CONT'D) But there's one thing I do know. Adults are calm... He walks backward as Jeanne STALKS HIM. TOM (CONT'D) ...serious, logical, measured, level-headed... JEANNE Yes... TOM And... they face up to problems... JEANNE ...Yes, yes. Yes, yes. He STOPS ABRUPTLY. 87. TOM You see, Jeanne, this flat won't work for us. This flat, it won't work for us, Jeanne. JEANNE Where are you going? TOM To look for a flat. He walks out to a SHOCKED Jeanne. JEANNE What kind of flat? But he COMES BACK. TOM A flat we can live in. JEANNE We can live here. TOM It's squalid. It smells. It makes me sick.

runs

How many times the word 'runs' appears in the text?

COMES... PAUL You... You... You... You f... You... fucking... fucking... family. You fucking... family! Oh, God... Jesus. Oh, you... Oh... 58. He COLLAPSES on her, SPENT as she continues to WEEP. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - THAT MOMENT A TRAIN ROARS by on the TRAIN BRIDGE. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM Paul is SLEEPING on the floor amidst the BREAD AND BUTTER. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - MOMENTS LATER Another couple of TRAINS go by. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - LATER Paul SLEEPS more. On his STOMACH now, with his foot on a piece of FURNITURE. Jeanne puts a record on the RECORD PLAYER she brought with her. She goes to plug it into the FLOOR PLUG but gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. JEANNE Shit! She looks at him sleeping. JEANNE (CONT'D) Hey, you! He looks at her UPSIDE DOWN. JEANNE (CONT'D) Yes, you! PAUL Huh? JEANNE I've got a surprise for you. 59. PAUL What? He looks at himself in a SMALL MIRROR. JEANNE I've got a surprise for you! PAUL That's good. I like surprises. He FLIPS HIMSELF over backwards onto his feet. He walks over to her and the RECORD PLAYER. He stares down at her. PAUL (CONT'D) What is it? JEANNE Music. But I don't know how to work it. He sits on the FLOOR next to her. He plugs in the RECORD PLAYER. He JUMPS as he gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. Jeanne is secretly amused. PAUL Do you enjoy that? He gets the RECORD PLAYING. It's some 70's HIPPY MUSIC. Jeanne sways to it while Paul reads the JACKET COVER. CUT TO: EXT. PASSY VIADUCT PARK - DAY HIPPIE MUSIC CONTINUES Tom and Jeanne sit, ROMANTICALLY ENTWINED on a SEA WALL while his FILM CREW films in the b.g. They sit FACE TO FACE, he holds her shoulders and stares into her eyes. TOM Do you know why I sent the others away? JEANNE Because you're angry, or you want to be alone with me? 60. TOM And why do I want to be alone with you? JEANNE You have something really serious to tell me. He plays with her hair. TOM I have something really very serious to tell you. JEANNE Is it happy or sad? TOM It's a secret. JEANNE So it's happy. What sort of secret? TOM A secret... As his FILM CREW dolly around them in the b.g., his SOUND PERSON yells at them. SOUND PERSON Speak up! I can't hear anything. TOM ...between a man and a woman. JEANNE Is it dirty or is it about love? TOM About love. But that's not all. JEANNE A secret about love, but which isn't love. What is it?! He puts a LIFE PRESERVER over her. TOM Voila. That in a week I'm marrying you. JEANNE What? 61. TOM I'm marrying you. JEANNE What?! TOM I'm marrying you! JEANNE You're marrying me? TOM Yes! JEANNE We're getting married? TOM Yes we're getting married. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE No! TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM No. Are we getting married or not? JEANNE I don't know. 62. TOM So, yes, then? JEANNE Yes! TOM No! JEANNE Yes! TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes or no? She take the life preserver off and THROWS IT IN THE WATER. Together, they WATCH IT SINK. CUT TO: EXT. JEANNE'S MOTHERS APT. - PORCH - DAY JEANNE'S MOTHER beats the dirt off her LATE HUSBANDS MILITARY JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'll send everything to the country. What do you think, Jeanne? INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne tries on another of her FATHERS MILITARY UNIFORMS complete with HAT. JEANNE Olympia will be happy. I went there yesterday with Tom. Her mother joins her inside. She carries the FATHERS BOOTS. JEANNE (CONT'D) She's preparing a family museum. 63. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'm not sending the boots. I'm keeping them with me. I get strange shivers when I touch them. Jeanne goes into an ADJOINING ROOM while her mom continues reflecting, IRONING the JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER (CONT'D) All these military things never age. She looks up just in time to see that Jeanne has found her fathers gun and is pointing it in her direction. JEANNE When I was little, it seemed really heavy when Papa taught me how to shoot. JEANNE'S MOTHER I'm keeping that here. In a respectable household, it's useful to have a weapon. JEANNE You don't even know how to use it. JEANNE'S MOTHER The important thing is to have one. It makes an impression. JEANNE You really kept everything of Papa's. She shows her mom a picture she has scrounged up from her FATHERS WALLET of a TOPLESS NEGRO FEMALE. JEANNE (CONT'D) Who's that? His orderly? JEANNE'S MOTHER A fine example of a Berber. JEANNE Oh. 64. JEANNE'S MOTHER A strong race. I tried to employ them as servants, but it was disastrous. 'm glad I decided to send everything to the country. All his things were piling up and piling up. JEANNE Don't worry. You'll soon have all the space you want. JEANNE'S MOTHER What does that mean? JEANNE Nothing. She takes off the HAT and JACKET and throws them on the sofa. She heads to the FRONT DOOR with MOM FOLLOWING, on pins and needles. JEANNE (CONT'D) Madame, the colonel's lady, I announce... Mom RUNS IN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What? JEANNE On this solemn day... She goes out the door... JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What solemn day? She RUNS AFTER her daughter. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne is on the ELEVATOR. She sticks her head out. JEANNE I'm getting married in a week! She shuts the door and HEADS DOWN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What did you say? 65. Mom follows her down STEP FOR STEP. JEANNE To Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER Pardon? JEANNE Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER What are you doing in a week? CUT TO: EXT. OUTDOOR SHOP BAZAAR - DAY Tom and his FILM CREW film Jeanne trying on wedding dresses. He COUNTS DOWN to the shot. TOM Five... two! He does the CLAPPER with his hands. Jeanne and her HOST OF DRESSERS is lost in her fittings. TOM (CONT'D) Move into shot! We're shooting! They move into the center of the shop. We get another look at Jeanne's LEFT BREAST as it slips out of the dress being fitted. Tom fires off QUESTIONS for film purposes. TOM (CONT'D) So,... how do you see marriage? JEANNE Marriage? TOM Yes. Jeanne gives her upbeat EXTISTENTIAL RESPONSES as her fitting continues. JEANNE I see it everywhere. All the time. 66. TOM What do you mean, everywhere? JEANNE On walls. On buildings. TOM Walls and buildings? JEANNE Yes, on advertising hoardings. TOM What are they selling? Cars. Tinned meat. Cigarettes. JEANNE No. They're all about young couples. Before marriage, no children. Then the same couple, married with children. In short, marriage. The perfect, ideal, successful marriage. It's no longer the preserve of the Church. The husband was burdened with responsibilities and the wife nagged. Now, weddings in advertising smile! TOM They smile. On posters. JEANNE On posters, of course. But why t take poster marriage seriously? Marriage... Pop marriage! Tom comes out from under a DRESS. TOM Pop? That's the formula. For pop youth, pop marriage! But... what if the pop marriage doesn't work? JEANNE Then you have to fix it like you would a car. The spouses are two workers in overalls bending over an engine to fix it. TOM And in case of adultery what happens to the pop marriage? 67. JEANNE In that case, there are three or four workers. TOM What about love? Is love pop? JEANNE No. That's not. Love isn't pop. TOM Love isn't pop. So what is it? JEANNE The workers retire to a secret flat, take off their overalls and become men and women again and make love. The fussing on the dress is finished. Jeanne slowly, PUTS ON HER GLOVES, relishing them. She STRUTS slowly for all to stare and LAVISH her in her dress. Tom is CAPTIVATED. TOM You're wonderful. JEANNE It's the dress that makes the bride. TOM You're better than Rita Hayworth. He wanders out into the street. It is RAINING HEAVILY. Better than Joan Crawford! Better than Kim Novak! Better than Lauren Bacall! Better than Ava Gardner when she was Mickey Rooney's lover! Hes FILM CREW scatters for cover. TOM (CONT'D) What are you doing? Stop! Stop, but keep filming! Why aren't you filming in the rain? CREW 1 You're crazy! 68. They huddle underneath the DOOR of the FILM TRUCK. Tom has lost Jeanne in all the HUBUB. He is disgusted with his CREW. TOM You're all fired! He goes back to the SHOP. TOM (CONT'D) Where's Jeanne? DRESSER 1 She must have run off. TOM When? ln the rain? He runs down the street in the rain looking for her. JEANNE Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LOBBY - DAY Paul comes POINDING in from the rain. He STOMPS the water off his shoes. He breaks into an IMPROMPTU SOFT SHOE. He opens the gate to the ELEVATOR and gets on. He pushes the button. The elevator STARTS UP. JEANNE'S VOICE Please forgive me! Paul stops the elevator. He SENDS IT BACK DOWN. We see Jeanne has been waiting on the ADJACENT STAIRS for Paul. She is still in her WEDDING DRESS. She implores Paul from outside the elevator. JEANNE (FRENCH) Forgive me! I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. (ENGLISH) I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. I can't. I can't leave you, do you understand? 69. She stands, PLEADING at the ELEVATOR. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you still want me? Paul does the EYEBROW TRILL. He opens the elevator so she can get on. ELEVATOR As it ascends, Jeanne slowly RAISES HER DRESS, revealing NO UNDERWEAR and her AMPLE BUSH to Paul. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - ENTRANCE - MOMENTS LATER The door flies open. Paul comes in CARRYING Jeanne in his arms. PAUL Voil ! He starts doing a JIG AND SONG... all the way to the MATTRESSES. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh, there once was a man And he had an old sow ow! Hi-diddle- dow... He puts her on the bed. She is GIGGLING. PAUL (CONT'D) You're wet. Paul pats her stomach and leaves the room. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Paul opens the curtains. Jeanne's SCREAMS come from the other room. He goes to investigate. PAUL (CONT'D) What the hell? BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne screams BLOODY MURDER and points to a DEAD RAT on the STILL UNMADE MATTRESS. 70. PAUL (CONT'D) A rat. Only a rat. He PICKS IT UP by the tail. She stumbles over herself to get away. PAUL (CONT'D) There are more rats in Paris than people. Yum, yum, yum. He holds it out, OFFERING IT to her. She freaks. She runs to the other side of the room. JEANNE I want to go! He brings it to her... she continues to BACK PEDDLE. PAUL Wait, wait! Don't you want a bite first? You don't want to run and eat. JEANNE This is the end! He points to the ASS of the RAT. PAUL No, this is the end... Then points to the HEAD. PAUL (CONT'D) ...but I like to start with the head. That's the best part. Are you sure you won't have any? OK. He DANGLES IT over his mouth, flitting his tounge, pretending to eat it. She is gonna HURL. PAUL (CONT'D) What's the matter? You don't dig rat? JEANNE I wanna go! I can't make love in this bed any more. I can't. It's disgusting! Nauseating! PAUL Well, we'll fuck on the radiator or standing on the mantel. 71. He holds up the RAT again. PAUL (CONT'D) Listen, I gotta get some mayonnaise for this. Because, it really is good with mayonnaise. He heads out, then stops and LOOKS BACK AT HER. PAUL (CONT'D) I'll save the asshole for you. He really leaves this time. PAUL'S VOICE Rat's asshole with mayonnaise! He LAUGHS at himself. Jeanne is a BASKET CASE. She sits on her HAUNCHES, muttering. JEANNE I want to get out of here. I want to go. I can't stand it here any more. Yes. I'm going. She gets up, gets her purse and goes to the door. We see her ASS through the SHEER FABRIC of her wedding dress. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm not coming back... ever. She gets to the... FRONT DOOR Paul is there, WAITING, NONCHALANT. PAUL Quo vadis, baby? JEANNE I forgot to tell you something. I fell in love with somebody. PAUL Oh, isn't that wonderful? You know, you're going to have to get out of these wet duds. He PATS HER ASS. JEANNE I'm going to make love with him! 72. She opens the door but he closes it. She STOMPS into the HALL. PAUL Well, first you have to take a hot bath. Cos if you don't... He walks toward her. PAUL (CONT'D) ...you're gonna get pneumonia, right? Huh? She STOMPS a few more steps toward the BATHROOM. PAUL (CONT'D) And then you know what happens? You get pneumonia, then you know what happens? You die. And then, you know what happens when you die? I get to fuck the dead rat! He THROWS HER OVER his shoulder and carries her KICKING AND SCREAMING into the... CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM Jeanne is in the BATHTUB. Paul sits on the BIDET behind her with a WASHCLOTH. PAUL Give me the soap. She does. JEANNE I'm in love. PAUL You're in love? He shoves her head UNDER THE WATER. PAUL (CONT'D) How delightful. She comes up ANGRY. JEANNE I'm in love! I'm in love, you understand? 73. He SMACKS her with the washcloth on the head. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm in love, I'm in love! He SHOVES HER under again. JEANNE (CONT'D) Oh! I'm in love! He HITS HER on the head with her own shoe. She just gets more ANGRY. JEANNE (CONT'D) You know, you're old! You're getting fat. PAUL Fat, is it? How unkind. JEANNE Half of your hair is out and the other half is almost white. He smacks her in the mouth with the wash cloth, she smiles. PAUL In ten years, you'll be playing soccer with your tits. He starts WASHING HER back. PAUL (CONT'D) What do you think of that? You know what I'm gonna be doing? JEANNE You will be on a... wheelchair! PAUL Well, maybe. But, you know... I'll be smirking and giggling all the way to eternity. JEANNE How poetic. But please, before you go, wash my feet. She holds up A FOOT. PAUL OK. oblesse oblige. 74. He sits on the edge of the TUB and grabs her foot. He takes a sniff... She pulls it away. JEANNE You know, he and I, we make love. He WASHES her foot. PAUL Oh, really? That's wonderful. Is he a good fucker? JEANNE Magnificent. He puts up the OTHER FOOT to was, he obliges again. PAUL You know, you're a jerk. Cos the best fucking you're gonna get is right here in this apartment. Stand up. She does. He washes her ASS. JEANNE He is full of mysteries. PAUL Give me the soap. Listen, you dumb dodo. All the mysteries that you're ever gonna know in life are right here. He washes her STOMACH. JEANNE He is like everybody but... at the same time he's different. PAUL You mean, like everybody. JEANNE Yeah, but... even he fright me. Even he frightens me. PAUL What is he, your local pimp? JEANNE He could be. He looks it. You know why I'm in love with him? 75. PAUL I can't wait. JEANNE Because he know. He know how to make me fall in love with him. She gets out. He COVERS her with a BIG RED TOWEL. PAUL You want this man you love to protect and take care of you. JEANNE Yeah. PAUL You want this golden, shining, powerful warrior to build a fortress where you can hide in. So you don't have to ever... have... You don't ever have to be afraid. You don't have to feel lonely or empty. That's what you want, isn't it? JEANNE Yes. PAUL Well, you'll never find it. JEANNE But I find this man. PAUL Then it won't be long until he'll want you to build a fortress for him out of your tits and out of your cunt and your hair and your smile and the way you smell. And... and some place where he can feel comfortable and secure enough so that he can worship in front of the altar of his own prick. JEANNE But I find this man! They lean against SEPERATE WALLS. 76. PAUL No, you're alone. You're all alone. You won't be free of that feeling of being alone until you look death right in the face. I mean, that sounds like bullshit, some romantic crap, until you go right up into the ass of death. Right up in his ass... till you find the womb of fear. And then,... maybe... Maybe then, you'll be able to find him. JEANNE But I find this man. He's you! You are that man! Paul doesn't like that comment. He needs to TEACH HER another LESSON. He bites a HANGNAIL. PAUL Get me the scissors. JEANNE What? PAUL Get me the fingernail scissors. She STOMPS past him to get them, hands them to him. PAUL (CONT'D) No. I want you to cut the fingernails on your right hand, these two. She DOES. JEANNE That's it. He stands FACING the wall and PULLS HIS pants down. PAUL I want you to put your fingers up my ass. JEANNE What? PAUL Put your fingers up my ass, are you deaf? Go on. I'm gonna get a pig... and I'm... I'm gonna have the pig fuck you. (MORE) 77. PAUL (CONT'D) I want the pig to vomit in your face and I want you to swallow the vomit. Are you gonna do that for me? JEANNE Yeah. PAUL Huh? JEANNE Yeah! PAUL I want the pig to die while... while you're fucking him. Then you'll have to go behind him. I want you to smell the dying farts of the pig. Are you gonna do all of that for me? JEANNE Yes, and more than that! And worse! And worse than before. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - TEMPORARY VIEWING ROOM - DAY ROSA'S WAKE. Rosa's mother has set up a room in the Hotel as a VIEWING ROOM for her daughter. She is, as promised, surrounded by TONS OF FLOWERS. Paul comes in and pulls up a chair next to ROSA. He turns on the LIGHT. PAUL You look ridiculous in that make- up. Like the caricature of a whore. A little touch of Mommy in the night. Fake Ophelia drowned in the bathtub. I wish you could see yourself. You'd really laugh. You're your mother's masterpiece. He pulls the chair closer to her. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh Christ! There are too many fucking flowers in this place. I can't breathe. You know on the top of the closet? (MORE) 78. PAUL (CONT'D) The cardboard box, I found all your... I found all your little goodies. Pens, keychains, foreign money, French ticklers, the whole shot. Even a clergyman's collar. I didn't know you collected all those little knick-knacks left behind. Even if the husband lives fucking years, he's never going to be able to discover his wife's real nature. I mean, I... I might be able to comprehend the universe, but... 'll never discover the truth bout you. Never. I mean, who the hell were you? Remember that day, the first day I was there? I knew that I couldn't get into your pants unless I said... What did I say? Oh, yeah. "May I have my bill, please? I have to leave." Remember? Last night... I ripped off the lights on your mother. And the whole joint went bananas. All your... guests... as you used to call them... Well, I guess that includes me, doesn't it? It does include me, doesn't it? For five years, I was more a guest in this fucking flophouse than a husband. With privileges, of course. And then, to help me understand you, you let me inherit Marcel. The husband's double, whose room was the double of ours. And you know what? I didn't even have the guts to ask him. Didn't have the guts to ask him if the same numbers you and I did were the same numbers you did with him. Our marriage was nothing more than a foxhole for you. And all it took for you to get out was a -cent razor and a tub full of water. You cheap, goddamn, fucking, godforsaken whore. I hope you rot in hell. You're worse than the dirtiest street pig anybody could find, and you know why? You know why? Because you lied. You lied to me and I trusted you. You lied. You knew you were lying! Go on, tell me you didn't lie. Haven't you got anything to say about that? You can think up something, can't you? (MORE) 79. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me something! Smile, you cunt! He STARTS to WEEP. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me... Tell me something sweet. Smile at me and say I just misunderstood. Go on, tell me. You pig-fucker! You goddamn, fucking, pig-fucking liar. Rosa, I'm sorry... I just can't... I can't stand it... to see these goddamn things on your face. You never wore make-up. This fucking shit. I'm gonna take this off your mouth. This lipstick... Rosa... Oh, God! He COLLAPSES on her, SOBBING. PAUL (CONT'D) I'm sorry. I don't know why you did it. I'd do it too, if I knew how. I just don't know how. I have to... I have to find a way. [OC] We hear a voice. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Is anyone there? PAUL What? PROSTITUTE'S VOICE There was a noise in there! PAUL All right, I'm... I'm coming. (back to ROSA) I have to go. I have to go, sweetheart, baby. Somebody's calling me. He starts to the door. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Well? Is anyone there? PAUL Yeah. I'm coming. CUT TO: 80. INT. HOTEL - ENTRANCE - DAY Outside the FRONT DOOR, the source of the voice, a WORN OUT and OLD PROSTITUTE. She is with her JOHN. PROSTITUTE (TO JOHN) Here he is. (TO PAUL) Hurry up! Wake up! Open up! Open up! PAUL It's four in the morning. PROSTITUTE I need room four for a while. (TO JOHN) Half an hour? (TO PAUL) Yes, that'll do. Yes, half an hour. PAUL We're full. She knocks on the door, INCESANTLY. PROSTITUTE That's not true. When you're full, you put a sign outside. I know the hotel. I'm sick of arguing out on the street. Call the owner. What are you waiting for? The owner has never made a fuss. Rosa and I are old friends. Open up. Paul opens up. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Don't make any trouble or I'll tell your boss. (TO JOHN) Come in, it's all sorted... But the man has LEFT. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) You've won. He's taken off. PAUL I'm very sorry. PROSTITUTE Hurry up! He can't be far away. 81. She PUSHES him out to the street. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Make him come back. Tell him he can't just walk off. She SHOVES HIM out the door and DOWN THE STREET. Paul CHASES the man on foot for BLOCKS and BLOCKS. He finally CATCHES UP to him in a --- CUT TO: EXT. PARIS STREET - ALLEY - MORNING The JOHN figures he has gotten away. He reverses his TRENCH COAT to the appropriate side. Paul comes around the corner. The John doesn't see any HOSTILITY coming. But it DOES. JOHN Oh,... please don't tell her you found me. I don't fancy it any more. Did you see her face? Once, my wife satisfied me. But now she's got a skin disease. It's like snakeskin. Put yourself in my place. Paul grabs him by the tie and drags him. PAUL Come. Come with me. The man FIGHTS BACK. JOHN But... Let go of me! Paul doesn't like that. He ROUGHS HIM UP, throwing him from WALL TO WALL. JOHN (CONT'D) You're crazy! Let go of me! Let go! He ends up on the ground MINUS HIS COAT. Paul KICKS HIM IN THE ASS like a dog. PAUL Get the fuck out of here! 82. The man RUNS OFF. PAUL (CONT'D) Faggot! Paul heads back up the ALLEY as the man CONTINUES OFF in the f.g. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - PAUL AND ROSA'S ROOM - DAY Paul lays down on his TWIN BED with his ROBE on over his clothes. We see that his BAGS ARE PACKED. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - BEDROOM - DAY We see that the mattress is gone. Only a pile of sheets and pillows remain in the room. Jeanne is on the floor, on her knees, doubled over in SICK GRIEF. PAUL HAS MOVED OUT. JEANNE No! She WANDERS through the apt., GRIEF STRICKEN, from room to room. We see only a FEW BELONGINGS left around. Shoes, the CAT (where was it for the "rat problem"?) and phone. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne RIPS THE SHEET OFF the piece of furniture that has been COVERED UP all along. We all wondered what was underneath that was so precious. It's nothing special. She COLLAPSES in grief again, the furniture falling on her, she KICKS IT OFF. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - FRONT DESK - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne talks to the CRAZY Concierge from BEFORE. Her head STUCK through the LITTLE WINDOW while the crazy woman PUFFS a cig. 83. JEANNE Try and remember! The man from the fourth floor. He moved in a few days ago. CONCIERGE I told you, I don't know anyone. They come and go. The man on the fourth, the woman on the first. What do I know? She gives a CRAZY CACKLE. JEANNE Where did they take the furniture too? It's empty. Where do you send his mail? Give me his address. CONCIERGE I don't have it. I don't know these people. JEANNE Not even his name? CONCIERGE Nothing! Jeanne STORMS OUT. CONCIERGE (CONT'D) Ma'zelle! CUT TO: INT. PAYPHONE BOOTH - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne is on the payphone in the bar from before. She speaks to Tom. Still DESPONDENT, tears stream down her face. JEANNE I've found a flat for us. 1 rue Jules Verne. Yes. In Passy. Come quickly! You'll come now? Do you know where it is? I'll wait for you. Come over. She struggles to HANG UP THE PHONE through her grief. She BREAKS DOWN, closing the door for privacy. 84. We can SEE HER through the door as she leans on it. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - DAY The front DOORBELL RINGS. JEANNE Come in, it's open. Tom comes in. Jeanne stares out the window. She is BATHED in sunlight. Tom LOOKS AROUND in b.g. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you like our flat? It's very light. There's a tiny room, too. It's too small for a double bed. It would be fine for a child. Fidel. That's a nice name for a boy. Fidel, as in Castro. TOM But I'd like a girl, too. Rosa. As in Rosa Luxemburg. Less famous, but I like it. You know, I wanted to film you every day. In the morning, when you wake up, in the evening, when you sleep. When you first smile, and I didn't film any of that. Here. He hands her FLOWERS. She REGARDS them. He circles to her front. TOM (CONT'D) Today is the last day of shooting. The film is finished. I don't like things that finish, things that end. You have to start something else right away. They EMBRACE and KISS. THAT ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Tom looks around the place. 85. TOM (CONT'D) This flat is huge! Jeanne has made her way to the DINING ROOM. TOM (CONT'D) Where are you? JEANNE I'm here! They continue shouting across the apt. TOM It's too big! We'll get lost! JEANNE Stop it! Don't start! TOM How did you find this flat? JEANNE By chance. TOM We'll change everything! Jeanne holds her ARMS OUT like a bird. JEANNE Everything! We'll change chance to destiny. TOM Go on, Jeanne. Take off! MUSIC RISES as Jeanne pretends to FLY AROUND the apt. from ROOM TO ROOM making AIRPLANE NOISES as Tom DIRECTS HER. TOM (CONT'D) Fly away, you're in heaven! You're soaring, you're in heaven! Come down, take a nose dive, come down! Make three turns, come down. Jeanne, what's happening? There's an air pocket. Tom gets SUDDENLY SERIOUS. JEANNE What's happening? 86. TOM The patches of turbulence are over. We can't play like children any more, Jeanne. This stops Jeanne in her TRACKS. They face each other. TOM (CONT'D) We're adults. JEANNE Adults? That's awful! TOM Yes. It's awful. JEANNE What do adults do? TOM I don't know. We'll have to invent the gestures and the words. For example, adults... He walks slowly toward her. They EMBRACE PASSIONATELY. They kiss. He breaks away again, SERIOUS. TOM (CONT'D) But there's one thing I do know. Adults are calm... He walks backward as Jeanne STALKS HIM. TOM (CONT'D) ...serious, logical, measured, level-headed... JEANNE Yes... TOM And... they face up to problems... JEANNE ...Yes, yes. Yes, yes. He STOPS ABRUPTLY. 87. TOM You see, Jeanne, this flat won't work for us. This flat, it won't work for us, Jeanne. JEANNE Where are you going? TOM To look for a flat. He walks out to a SHOCKED Jeanne. JEANNE What kind of flat? But he COMES BACK. TOM A flat we can live in. JEANNE We can live here. TOM It's squalid. It smells. It makes me sick.

lawyer

How many times the word 'lawyer' appears in the text?

COMES... PAUL You... You... You... You f... You... fucking... fucking... family. You fucking... family! Oh, God... Jesus. Oh, you... Oh... 58. He COLLAPSES on her, SPENT as she continues to WEEP. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - THAT MOMENT A TRAIN ROARS by on the TRAIN BRIDGE. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM Paul is SLEEPING on the floor amidst the BREAD AND BUTTER. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - MOMENTS LATER Another couple of TRAINS go by. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - LATER Paul SLEEPS more. On his STOMACH now, with his foot on a piece of FURNITURE. Jeanne puts a record on the RECORD PLAYER she brought with her. She goes to plug it into the FLOOR PLUG but gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. JEANNE Shit! She looks at him sleeping. JEANNE (CONT'D) Hey, you! He looks at her UPSIDE DOWN. JEANNE (CONT'D) Yes, you! PAUL Huh? JEANNE I've got a surprise for you. 59. PAUL What? He looks at himself in a SMALL MIRROR. JEANNE I've got a surprise for you! PAUL That's good. I like surprises. He FLIPS HIMSELF over backwards onto his feet. He walks over to her and the RECORD PLAYER. He stares down at her. PAUL (CONT'D) What is it? JEANNE Music. But I don't know how to work it. He sits on the FLOOR next to her. He plugs in the RECORD PLAYER. He JUMPS as he gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. Jeanne is secretly amused. PAUL Do you enjoy that? He gets the RECORD PLAYING. It's some 70's HIPPY MUSIC. Jeanne sways to it while Paul reads the JACKET COVER. CUT TO: EXT. PASSY VIADUCT PARK - DAY HIPPIE MUSIC CONTINUES Tom and Jeanne sit, ROMANTICALLY ENTWINED on a SEA WALL while his FILM CREW films in the b.g. They sit FACE TO FACE, he holds her shoulders and stares into her eyes. TOM Do you know why I sent the others away? JEANNE Because you're angry, or you want to be alone with me? 60. TOM And why do I want to be alone with you? JEANNE You have something really serious to tell me. He plays with her hair. TOM I have something really very serious to tell you. JEANNE Is it happy or sad? TOM It's a secret. JEANNE So it's happy. What sort of secret? TOM A secret... As his FILM CREW dolly around them in the b.g., his SOUND PERSON yells at them. SOUND PERSON Speak up! I can't hear anything. TOM ...between a man and a woman. JEANNE Is it dirty or is it about love? TOM About love. But that's not all. JEANNE A secret about love, but which isn't love. What is it?! He puts a LIFE PRESERVER over her. TOM Voila. That in a week I'm marrying you. JEANNE What? 61. TOM I'm marrying you. JEANNE What?! TOM I'm marrying you! JEANNE You're marrying me? TOM Yes! JEANNE We're getting married? TOM Yes we're getting married. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE No! TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM No. Are we getting married or not? JEANNE I don't know. 62. TOM So, yes, then? JEANNE Yes! TOM No! JEANNE Yes! TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes or no? She take the life preserver off and THROWS IT IN THE WATER. Together, they WATCH IT SINK. CUT TO: EXT. JEANNE'S MOTHERS APT. - PORCH - DAY JEANNE'S MOTHER beats the dirt off her LATE HUSBANDS MILITARY JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'll send everything to the country. What do you think, Jeanne? INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne tries on another of her FATHERS MILITARY UNIFORMS complete with HAT. JEANNE Olympia will be happy. I went there yesterday with Tom. Her mother joins her inside. She carries the FATHERS BOOTS. JEANNE (CONT'D) She's preparing a family museum. 63. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'm not sending the boots. I'm keeping them with me. I get strange shivers when I touch them. Jeanne goes into an ADJOINING ROOM while her mom continues reflecting, IRONING the JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER (CONT'D) All these military things never age. She looks up just in time to see that Jeanne has found her fathers gun and is pointing it in her direction. JEANNE When I was little, it seemed really heavy when Papa taught me how to shoot. JEANNE'S MOTHER I'm keeping that here. In a respectable household, it's useful to have a weapon. JEANNE You don't even know how to use it. JEANNE'S MOTHER The important thing is to have one. It makes an impression. JEANNE You really kept everything of Papa's. She shows her mom a picture she has scrounged up from her FATHERS WALLET of a TOPLESS NEGRO FEMALE. JEANNE (CONT'D) Who's that? His orderly? JEANNE'S MOTHER A fine example of a Berber. JEANNE Oh. 64. JEANNE'S MOTHER A strong race. I tried to employ them as servants, but it was disastrous. 'm glad I decided to send everything to the country. All his things were piling up and piling up. JEANNE Don't worry. You'll soon have all the space you want. JEANNE'S MOTHER What does that mean? JEANNE Nothing. She takes off the HAT and JACKET and throws them on the sofa. She heads to the FRONT DOOR with MOM FOLLOWING, on pins and needles. JEANNE (CONT'D) Madame, the colonel's lady, I announce... Mom RUNS IN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What? JEANNE On this solemn day... She goes out the door... JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What solemn day? She RUNS AFTER her daughter. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne is on the ELEVATOR. She sticks her head out. JEANNE I'm getting married in a week! She shuts the door and HEADS DOWN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What did you say? 65. Mom follows her down STEP FOR STEP. JEANNE To Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER Pardon? JEANNE Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER What are you doing in a week? CUT TO: EXT. OUTDOOR SHOP BAZAAR - DAY Tom and his FILM CREW film Jeanne trying on wedding dresses. He COUNTS DOWN to the shot. TOM Five... two! He does the CLAPPER with his hands. Jeanne and her HOST OF DRESSERS is lost in her fittings. TOM (CONT'D) Move into shot! We're shooting! They move into the center of the shop. We get another look at Jeanne's LEFT BREAST as it slips out of the dress being fitted. Tom fires off QUESTIONS for film purposes. TOM (CONT'D) So,... how do you see marriage? JEANNE Marriage? TOM Yes. Jeanne gives her upbeat EXTISTENTIAL RESPONSES as her fitting continues. JEANNE I see it everywhere. All the time. 66. TOM What do you mean, everywhere? JEANNE On walls. On buildings. TOM Walls and buildings? JEANNE Yes, on advertising hoardings. TOM What are they selling? Cars. Tinned meat. Cigarettes. JEANNE No. They're all about young couples. Before marriage, no children. Then the same couple, married with children. In short, marriage. The perfect, ideal, successful marriage. It's no longer the preserve of the Church. The husband was burdened with responsibilities and the wife nagged. Now, weddings in advertising smile! TOM They smile. On posters. JEANNE On posters, of course. But why t take poster marriage seriously? Marriage... Pop marriage! Tom comes out from under a DRESS. TOM Pop? That's the formula. For pop youth, pop marriage! But... what if the pop marriage doesn't work? JEANNE Then you have to fix it like you would a car. The spouses are two workers in overalls bending over an engine to fix it. TOM And in case of adultery what happens to the pop marriage? 67. JEANNE In that case, there are three or four workers. TOM What about love? Is love pop? JEANNE No. That's not. Love isn't pop. TOM Love isn't pop. So what is it? JEANNE The workers retire to a secret flat, take off their overalls and become men and women again and make love. The fussing on the dress is finished. Jeanne slowly, PUTS ON HER GLOVES, relishing them. She STRUTS slowly for all to stare and LAVISH her in her dress. Tom is CAPTIVATED. TOM You're wonderful. JEANNE It's the dress that makes the bride. TOM You're better than Rita Hayworth. He wanders out into the street. It is RAINING HEAVILY. Better than Joan Crawford! Better than Kim Novak! Better than Lauren Bacall! Better than Ava Gardner when she was Mickey Rooney's lover! Hes FILM CREW scatters for cover. TOM (CONT'D) What are you doing? Stop! Stop, but keep filming! Why aren't you filming in the rain? CREW 1 You're crazy! 68. They huddle underneath the DOOR of the FILM TRUCK. Tom has lost Jeanne in all the HUBUB. He is disgusted with his CREW. TOM You're all fired! He goes back to the SHOP. TOM (CONT'D) Where's Jeanne? DRESSER 1 She must have run off. TOM When? ln the rain? He runs down the street in the rain looking for her. JEANNE Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LOBBY - DAY Paul comes POINDING in from the rain. He STOMPS the water off his shoes. He breaks into an IMPROMPTU SOFT SHOE. He opens the gate to the ELEVATOR and gets on. He pushes the button. The elevator STARTS UP. JEANNE'S VOICE Please forgive me! Paul stops the elevator. He SENDS IT BACK DOWN. We see Jeanne has been waiting on the ADJACENT STAIRS for Paul. She is still in her WEDDING DRESS. She implores Paul from outside the elevator. JEANNE (FRENCH) Forgive me! I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. (ENGLISH) I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. I can't. I can't leave you, do you understand? 69. She stands, PLEADING at the ELEVATOR. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you still want me? Paul does the EYEBROW TRILL. He opens the elevator so she can get on. ELEVATOR As it ascends, Jeanne slowly RAISES HER DRESS, revealing NO UNDERWEAR and her AMPLE BUSH to Paul. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - ENTRANCE - MOMENTS LATER The door flies open. Paul comes in CARRYING Jeanne in his arms. PAUL Voil ! He starts doing a JIG AND SONG... all the way to the MATTRESSES. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh, there once was a man And he had an old sow ow! Hi-diddle- dow... He puts her on the bed. She is GIGGLING. PAUL (CONT'D) You're wet. Paul pats her stomach and leaves the room. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Paul opens the curtains. Jeanne's SCREAMS come from the other room. He goes to investigate. PAUL (CONT'D) What the hell? BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne screams BLOODY MURDER and points to a DEAD RAT on the STILL UNMADE MATTRESS. 70. PAUL (CONT'D) A rat. Only a rat. He PICKS IT UP by the tail. She stumbles over herself to get away. PAUL (CONT'D) There are more rats in Paris than people. Yum, yum, yum. He holds it out, OFFERING IT to her. She freaks. She runs to the other side of the room. JEANNE I want to go! He brings it to her... she continues to BACK PEDDLE. PAUL Wait, wait! Don't you want a bite first? You don't want to run and eat. JEANNE This is the end! He points to the ASS of the RAT. PAUL No, this is the end... Then points to the HEAD. PAUL (CONT'D) ...but I like to start with the head. That's the best part. Are you sure you won't have any? OK. He DANGLES IT over his mouth, flitting his tounge, pretending to eat it. She is gonna HURL. PAUL (CONT'D) What's the matter? You don't dig rat? JEANNE I wanna go! I can't make love in this bed any more. I can't. It's disgusting! Nauseating! PAUL Well, we'll fuck on the radiator or standing on the mantel. 71. He holds up the RAT again. PAUL (CONT'D) Listen, I gotta get some mayonnaise for this. Because, it really is good with mayonnaise. He heads out, then stops and LOOKS BACK AT HER. PAUL (CONT'D) I'll save the asshole for you. He really leaves this time. PAUL'S VOICE Rat's asshole with mayonnaise! He LAUGHS at himself. Jeanne is a BASKET CASE. She sits on her HAUNCHES, muttering. JEANNE I want to get out of here. I want to go. I can't stand it here any more. Yes. I'm going. She gets up, gets her purse and goes to the door. We see her ASS through the SHEER FABRIC of her wedding dress. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm not coming back... ever. She gets to the... FRONT DOOR Paul is there, WAITING, NONCHALANT. PAUL Quo vadis, baby? JEANNE I forgot to tell you something. I fell in love with somebody. PAUL Oh, isn't that wonderful? You know, you're going to have to get out of these wet duds. He PATS HER ASS. JEANNE I'm going to make love with him! 72. She opens the door but he closes it. She STOMPS into the HALL. PAUL Well, first you have to take a hot bath. Cos if you don't... He walks toward her. PAUL (CONT'D) ...you're gonna get pneumonia, right? Huh? She STOMPS a few more steps toward the BATHROOM. PAUL (CONT'D) And then you know what happens? You get pneumonia, then you know what happens? You die. And then, you know what happens when you die? I get to fuck the dead rat! He THROWS HER OVER his shoulder and carries her KICKING AND SCREAMING into the... CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM Jeanne is in the BATHTUB. Paul sits on the BIDET behind her with a WASHCLOTH. PAUL Give me the soap. She does. JEANNE I'm in love. PAUL You're in love? He shoves her head UNDER THE WATER. PAUL (CONT'D) How delightful. She comes up ANGRY. JEANNE I'm in love! I'm in love, you understand? 73. He SMACKS her with the washcloth on the head. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm in love, I'm in love! He SHOVES HER under again. JEANNE (CONT'D) Oh! I'm in love! He HITS HER on the head with her own shoe. She just gets more ANGRY. JEANNE (CONT'D) You know, you're old! You're getting fat. PAUL Fat, is it? How unkind. JEANNE Half of your hair is out and the other half is almost white. He smacks her in the mouth with the wash cloth, she smiles. PAUL In ten years, you'll be playing soccer with your tits. He starts WASHING HER back. PAUL (CONT'D) What do you think of that? You know what I'm gonna be doing? JEANNE You will be on a... wheelchair! PAUL Well, maybe. But, you know... I'll be smirking and giggling all the way to eternity. JEANNE How poetic. But please, before you go, wash my feet. She holds up A FOOT. PAUL OK. oblesse oblige. 74. He sits on the edge of the TUB and grabs her foot. He takes a sniff... She pulls it away. JEANNE You know, he and I, we make love. He WASHES her foot. PAUL Oh, really? That's wonderful. Is he a good fucker? JEANNE Magnificent. He puts up the OTHER FOOT to was, he obliges again. PAUL You know, you're a jerk. Cos the best fucking you're gonna get is right here in this apartment. Stand up. She does. He washes her ASS. JEANNE He is full of mysteries. PAUL Give me the soap. Listen, you dumb dodo. All the mysteries that you're ever gonna know in life are right here. He washes her STOMACH. JEANNE He is like everybody but... at the same time he's different. PAUL You mean, like everybody. JEANNE Yeah, but... even he fright me. Even he frightens me. PAUL What is he, your local pimp? JEANNE He could be. He looks it. You know why I'm in love with him? 75. PAUL I can't wait. JEANNE Because he know. He know how to make me fall in love with him. She gets out. He COVERS her with a BIG RED TOWEL. PAUL You want this man you love to protect and take care of you. JEANNE Yeah. PAUL You want this golden, shining, powerful warrior to build a fortress where you can hide in. So you don't have to ever... have... You don't ever have to be afraid. You don't have to feel lonely or empty. That's what you want, isn't it? JEANNE Yes. PAUL Well, you'll never find it. JEANNE But I find this man. PAUL Then it won't be long until he'll want you to build a fortress for him out of your tits and out of your cunt and your hair and your smile and the way you smell. And... and some place where he can feel comfortable and secure enough so that he can worship in front of the altar of his own prick. JEANNE But I find this man! They lean against SEPERATE WALLS. 76. PAUL No, you're alone. You're all alone. You won't be free of that feeling of being alone until you look death right in the face. I mean, that sounds like bullshit, some romantic crap, until you go right up into the ass of death. Right up in his ass... till you find the womb of fear. And then,... maybe... Maybe then, you'll be able to find him. JEANNE But I find this man. He's you! You are that man! Paul doesn't like that comment. He needs to TEACH HER another LESSON. He bites a HANGNAIL. PAUL Get me the scissors. JEANNE What? PAUL Get me the fingernail scissors. She STOMPS past him to get them, hands them to him. PAUL (CONT'D) No. I want you to cut the fingernails on your right hand, these two. She DOES. JEANNE That's it. He stands FACING the wall and PULLS HIS pants down. PAUL I want you to put your fingers up my ass. JEANNE What? PAUL Put your fingers up my ass, are you deaf? Go on. I'm gonna get a pig... and I'm... I'm gonna have the pig fuck you. (MORE) 77. PAUL (CONT'D) I want the pig to vomit in your face and I want you to swallow the vomit. Are you gonna do that for me? JEANNE Yeah. PAUL Huh? JEANNE Yeah! PAUL I want the pig to die while... while you're fucking him. Then you'll have to go behind him. I want you to smell the dying farts of the pig. Are you gonna do all of that for me? JEANNE Yes, and more than that! And worse! And worse than before. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - TEMPORARY VIEWING ROOM - DAY ROSA'S WAKE. Rosa's mother has set up a room in the Hotel as a VIEWING ROOM for her daughter. She is, as promised, surrounded by TONS OF FLOWERS. Paul comes in and pulls up a chair next to ROSA. He turns on the LIGHT. PAUL You look ridiculous in that make- up. Like the caricature of a whore. A little touch of Mommy in the night. Fake Ophelia drowned in the bathtub. I wish you could see yourself. You'd really laugh. You're your mother's masterpiece. He pulls the chair closer to her. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh Christ! There are too many fucking flowers in this place. I can't breathe. You know on the top of the closet? (MORE) 78. PAUL (CONT'D) The cardboard box, I found all your... I found all your little goodies. Pens, keychains, foreign money, French ticklers, the whole shot. Even a clergyman's collar. I didn't know you collected all those little knick-knacks left behind. Even if the husband lives fucking years, he's never going to be able to discover his wife's real nature. I mean, I... I might be able to comprehend the universe, but... 'll never discover the truth bout you. Never. I mean, who the hell were you? Remember that day, the first day I was there? I knew that I couldn't get into your pants unless I said... What did I say? Oh, yeah. "May I have my bill, please? I have to leave." Remember? Last night... I ripped off the lights on your mother. And the whole joint went bananas. All your... guests... as you used to call them... Well, I guess that includes me, doesn't it? It does include me, doesn't it? For five years, I was more a guest in this fucking flophouse than a husband. With privileges, of course. And then, to help me understand you, you let me inherit Marcel. The husband's double, whose room was the double of ours. And you know what? I didn't even have the guts to ask him. Didn't have the guts to ask him if the same numbers you and I did were the same numbers you did with him. Our marriage was nothing more than a foxhole for you. And all it took for you to get out was a -cent razor and a tub full of water. You cheap, goddamn, fucking, godforsaken whore. I hope you rot in hell. You're worse than the dirtiest street pig anybody could find, and you know why? You know why? Because you lied. You lied to me and I trusted you. You lied. You knew you were lying! Go on, tell me you didn't lie. Haven't you got anything to say about that? You can think up something, can't you? (MORE) 79. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me something! Smile, you cunt! He STARTS to WEEP. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me... Tell me something sweet. Smile at me and say I just misunderstood. Go on, tell me. You pig-fucker! You goddamn, fucking, pig-fucking liar. Rosa, I'm sorry... I just can't... I can't stand it... to see these goddamn things on your face. You never wore make-up. This fucking shit. I'm gonna take this off your mouth. This lipstick... Rosa... Oh, God! He COLLAPSES on her, SOBBING. PAUL (CONT'D) I'm sorry. I don't know why you did it. I'd do it too, if I knew how. I just don't know how. I have to... I have to find a way. [OC] We hear a voice. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Is anyone there? PAUL What? PROSTITUTE'S VOICE There was a noise in there! PAUL All right, I'm... I'm coming. (back to ROSA) I have to go. I have to go, sweetheart, baby. Somebody's calling me. He starts to the door. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Well? Is anyone there? PAUL Yeah. I'm coming. CUT TO: 80. INT. HOTEL - ENTRANCE - DAY Outside the FRONT DOOR, the source of the voice, a WORN OUT and OLD PROSTITUTE. She is with her JOHN. PROSTITUTE (TO JOHN) Here he is. (TO PAUL) Hurry up! Wake up! Open up! Open up! PAUL It's four in the morning. PROSTITUTE I need room four for a while. (TO JOHN) Half an hour? (TO PAUL) Yes, that'll do. Yes, half an hour. PAUL We're full. She knocks on the door, INCESANTLY. PROSTITUTE That's not true. When you're full, you put a sign outside. I know the hotel. I'm sick of arguing out on the street. Call the owner. What are you waiting for? The owner has never made a fuss. Rosa and I are old friends. Open up. Paul opens up. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Don't make any trouble or I'll tell your boss. (TO JOHN) Come in, it's all sorted... But the man has LEFT. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) You've won. He's taken off. PAUL I'm very sorry. PROSTITUTE Hurry up! He can't be far away. 81. She PUSHES him out to the street. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Make him come back. Tell him he can't just walk off. She SHOVES HIM out the door and DOWN THE STREET. Paul CHASES the man on foot for BLOCKS and BLOCKS. He finally CATCHES UP to him in a --- CUT TO: EXT. PARIS STREET - ALLEY - MORNING The JOHN figures he has gotten away. He reverses his TRENCH COAT to the appropriate side. Paul comes around the corner. The John doesn't see any HOSTILITY coming. But it DOES. JOHN Oh,... please don't tell her you found me. I don't fancy it any more. Did you see her face? Once, my wife satisfied me. But now she's got a skin disease. It's like snakeskin. Put yourself in my place. Paul grabs him by the tie and drags him. PAUL Come. Come with me. The man FIGHTS BACK. JOHN But... Let go of me! Paul doesn't like that. He ROUGHS HIM UP, throwing him from WALL TO WALL. JOHN (CONT'D) You're crazy! Let go of me! Let go! He ends up on the ground MINUS HIS COAT. Paul KICKS HIM IN THE ASS like a dog. PAUL Get the fuck out of here! 82. The man RUNS OFF. PAUL (CONT'D) Faggot! Paul heads back up the ALLEY as the man CONTINUES OFF in the f.g. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - PAUL AND ROSA'S ROOM - DAY Paul lays down on his TWIN BED with his ROBE on over his clothes. We see that his BAGS ARE PACKED. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - BEDROOM - DAY We see that the mattress is gone. Only a pile of sheets and pillows remain in the room. Jeanne is on the floor, on her knees, doubled over in SICK GRIEF. PAUL HAS MOVED OUT. JEANNE No! She WANDERS through the apt., GRIEF STRICKEN, from room to room. We see only a FEW BELONGINGS left around. Shoes, the CAT (where was it for the "rat problem"?) and phone. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne RIPS THE SHEET OFF the piece of furniture that has been COVERED UP all along. We all wondered what was underneath that was so precious. It's nothing special. She COLLAPSES in grief again, the furniture falling on her, she KICKS IT OFF. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - FRONT DESK - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne talks to the CRAZY Concierge from BEFORE. Her head STUCK through the LITTLE WINDOW while the crazy woman PUFFS a cig. 83. JEANNE Try and remember! The man from the fourth floor. He moved in a few days ago. CONCIERGE I told you, I don't know anyone. They come and go. The man on the fourth, the woman on the first. What do I know? She gives a CRAZY CACKLE. JEANNE Where did they take the furniture too? It's empty. Where do you send his mail? Give me his address. CONCIERGE I don't have it. I don't know these people. JEANNE Not even his name? CONCIERGE Nothing! Jeanne STORMS OUT. CONCIERGE (CONT'D) Ma'zelle! CUT TO: INT. PAYPHONE BOOTH - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne is on the payphone in the bar from before. She speaks to Tom. Still DESPONDENT, tears stream down her face. JEANNE I've found a flat for us. 1 rue Jules Verne. Yes. In Passy. Come quickly! You'll come now? Do you know where it is? I'll wait for you. Come over. She struggles to HANG UP THE PHONE through her grief. She BREAKS DOWN, closing the door for privacy. 84. We can SEE HER through the door as she leans on it. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - DAY The front DOORBELL RINGS. JEANNE Come in, it's open. Tom comes in. Jeanne stares out the window. She is BATHED in sunlight. Tom LOOKS AROUND in b.g. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you like our flat? It's very light. There's a tiny room, too. It's too small for a double bed. It would be fine for a child. Fidel. That's a nice name for a boy. Fidel, as in Castro. TOM But I'd like a girl, too. Rosa. As in Rosa Luxemburg. Less famous, but I like it. You know, I wanted to film you every day. In the morning, when you wake up, in the evening, when you sleep. When you first smile, and I didn't film any of that. Here. He hands her FLOWERS. She REGARDS them. He circles to her front. TOM (CONT'D) Today is the last day of shooting. The film is finished. I don't like things that finish, things that end. You have to start something else right away. They EMBRACE and KISS. THAT ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Tom looks around the place. 85. TOM (CONT'D) This flat is huge! Jeanne has made her way to the DINING ROOM. TOM (CONT'D) Where are you? JEANNE I'm here! They continue shouting across the apt. TOM It's too big! We'll get lost! JEANNE Stop it! Don't start! TOM How did you find this flat? JEANNE By chance. TOM We'll change everything! Jeanne holds her ARMS OUT like a bird. JEANNE Everything! We'll change chance to destiny. TOM Go on, Jeanne. Take off! MUSIC RISES as Jeanne pretends to FLY AROUND the apt. from ROOM TO ROOM making AIRPLANE NOISES as Tom DIRECTS HER. TOM (CONT'D) Fly away, you're in heaven! You're soaring, you're in heaven! Come down, take a nose dive, come down! Make three turns, come down. Jeanne, what's happening? There's an air pocket. Tom gets SUDDENLY SERIOUS. JEANNE What's happening? 86. TOM The patches of turbulence are over. We can't play like children any more, Jeanne. This stops Jeanne in her TRACKS. They face each other. TOM (CONT'D) We're adults. JEANNE Adults? That's awful! TOM Yes. It's awful. JEANNE What do adults do? TOM I don't know. We'll have to invent the gestures and the words. For example, adults... He walks slowly toward her. They EMBRACE PASSIONATELY. They kiss. He breaks away again, SERIOUS. TOM (CONT'D) But there's one thing I do know. Adults are calm... He walks backward as Jeanne STALKS HIM. TOM (CONT'D) ...serious, logical, measured, level-headed... JEANNE Yes... TOM And... they face up to problems... JEANNE ...Yes, yes. Yes, yes. He STOPS ABRUPTLY. 87. TOM You see, Jeanne, this flat won't work for us. This flat, it won't work for us, Jeanne. JEANNE Where are you going? TOM To look for a flat. He walks out to a SHOCKED Jeanne. JEANNE What kind of flat? But he COMES BACK. TOM A flat we can live in. JEANNE We can live here. TOM It's squalid. It smells. It makes me sick.

time

How many times the word 'time' appears in the text?

COMES... PAUL You... You... You... You f... You... fucking... fucking... family. You fucking... family! Oh, God... Jesus. Oh, you... Oh... 58. He COLLAPSES on her, SPENT as she continues to WEEP. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - THAT MOMENT A TRAIN ROARS by on the TRAIN BRIDGE. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM Paul is SLEEPING on the floor amidst the BREAD AND BUTTER. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - MOMENTS LATER Another couple of TRAINS go by. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - LATER Paul SLEEPS more. On his STOMACH now, with his foot on a piece of FURNITURE. Jeanne puts a record on the RECORD PLAYER she brought with her. She goes to plug it into the FLOOR PLUG but gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. JEANNE Shit! She looks at him sleeping. JEANNE (CONT'D) Hey, you! He looks at her UPSIDE DOWN. JEANNE (CONT'D) Yes, you! PAUL Huh? JEANNE I've got a surprise for you. 59. PAUL What? He looks at himself in a SMALL MIRROR. JEANNE I've got a surprise for you! PAUL That's good. I like surprises. He FLIPS HIMSELF over backwards onto his feet. He walks over to her and the RECORD PLAYER. He stares down at her. PAUL (CONT'D) What is it? JEANNE Music. But I don't know how to work it. He sits on the FLOOR next to her. He plugs in the RECORD PLAYER. He JUMPS as he gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. Jeanne is secretly amused. PAUL Do you enjoy that? He gets the RECORD PLAYING. It's some 70's HIPPY MUSIC. Jeanne sways to it while Paul reads the JACKET COVER. CUT TO: EXT. PASSY VIADUCT PARK - DAY HIPPIE MUSIC CONTINUES Tom and Jeanne sit, ROMANTICALLY ENTWINED on a SEA WALL while his FILM CREW films in the b.g. They sit FACE TO FACE, he holds her shoulders and stares into her eyes. TOM Do you know why I sent the others away? JEANNE Because you're angry, or you want to be alone with me? 60. TOM And why do I want to be alone with you? JEANNE You have something really serious to tell me. He plays with her hair. TOM I have something really very serious to tell you. JEANNE Is it happy or sad? TOM It's a secret. JEANNE So it's happy. What sort of secret? TOM A secret... As his FILM CREW dolly around them in the b.g., his SOUND PERSON yells at them. SOUND PERSON Speak up! I can't hear anything. TOM ...between a man and a woman. JEANNE Is it dirty or is it about love? TOM About love. But that's not all. JEANNE A secret about love, but which isn't love. What is it?! He puts a LIFE PRESERVER over her. TOM Voila. That in a week I'm marrying you. JEANNE What? 61. TOM I'm marrying you. JEANNE What?! TOM I'm marrying you! JEANNE You're marrying me? TOM Yes! JEANNE We're getting married? TOM Yes we're getting married. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE No! TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM No. Are we getting married or not? JEANNE I don't know. 62. TOM So, yes, then? JEANNE Yes! TOM No! JEANNE Yes! TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes or no? She take the life preserver off and THROWS IT IN THE WATER. Together, they WATCH IT SINK. CUT TO: EXT. JEANNE'S MOTHERS APT. - PORCH - DAY JEANNE'S MOTHER beats the dirt off her LATE HUSBANDS MILITARY JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'll send everything to the country. What do you think, Jeanne? INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne tries on another of her FATHERS MILITARY UNIFORMS complete with HAT. JEANNE Olympia will be happy. I went there yesterday with Tom. Her mother joins her inside. She carries the FATHERS BOOTS. JEANNE (CONT'D) She's preparing a family museum. 63. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'm not sending the boots. I'm keeping them with me. I get strange shivers when I touch them. Jeanne goes into an ADJOINING ROOM while her mom continues reflecting, IRONING the JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER (CONT'D) All these military things never age. She looks up just in time to see that Jeanne has found her fathers gun and is pointing it in her direction. JEANNE When I was little, it seemed really heavy when Papa taught me how to shoot. JEANNE'S MOTHER I'm keeping that here. In a respectable household, it's useful to have a weapon. JEANNE You don't even know how to use it. JEANNE'S MOTHER The important thing is to have one. It makes an impression. JEANNE You really kept everything of Papa's. She shows her mom a picture she has scrounged up from her FATHERS WALLET of a TOPLESS NEGRO FEMALE. JEANNE (CONT'D) Who's that? His orderly? JEANNE'S MOTHER A fine example of a Berber. JEANNE Oh. 64. JEANNE'S MOTHER A strong race. I tried to employ them as servants, but it was disastrous. 'm glad I decided to send everything to the country. All his things were piling up and piling up. JEANNE Don't worry. You'll soon have all the space you want. JEANNE'S MOTHER What does that mean? JEANNE Nothing. She takes off the HAT and JACKET and throws them on the sofa. She heads to the FRONT DOOR with MOM FOLLOWING, on pins and needles. JEANNE (CONT'D) Madame, the colonel's lady, I announce... Mom RUNS IN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What? JEANNE On this solemn day... She goes out the door... JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What solemn day? She RUNS AFTER her daughter. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne is on the ELEVATOR. She sticks her head out. JEANNE I'm getting married in a week! She shuts the door and HEADS DOWN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What did you say? 65. Mom follows her down STEP FOR STEP. JEANNE To Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER Pardon? JEANNE Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER What are you doing in a week? CUT TO: EXT. OUTDOOR SHOP BAZAAR - DAY Tom and his FILM CREW film Jeanne trying on wedding dresses. He COUNTS DOWN to the shot. TOM Five... two! He does the CLAPPER with his hands. Jeanne and her HOST OF DRESSERS is lost in her fittings. TOM (CONT'D) Move into shot! We're shooting! They move into the center of the shop. We get another look at Jeanne's LEFT BREAST as it slips out of the dress being fitted. Tom fires off QUESTIONS for film purposes. TOM (CONT'D) So,... how do you see marriage? JEANNE Marriage? TOM Yes. Jeanne gives her upbeat EXTISTENTIAL RESPONSES as her fitting continues. JEANNE I see it everywhere. All the time. 66. TOM What do you mean, everywhere? JEANNE On walls. On buildings. TOM Walls and buildings? JEANNE Yes, on advertising hoardings. TOM What are they selling? Cars. Tinned meat. Cigarettes. JEANNE No. They're all about young couples. Before marriage, no children. Then the same couple, married with children. In short, marriage. The perfect, ideal, successful marriage. It's no longer the preserve of the Church. The husband was burdened with responsibilities and the wife nagged. Now, weddings in advertising smile! TOM They smile. On posters. JEANNE On posters, of course. But why t take poster marriage seriously? Marriage... Pop marriage! Tom comes out from under a DRESS. TOM Pop? That's the formula. For pop youth, pop marriage! But... what if the pop marriage doesn't work? JEANNE Then you have to fix it like you would a car. The spouses are two workers in overalls bending over an engine to fix it. TOM And in case of adultery what happens to the pop marriage? 67. JEANNE In that case, there are three or four workers. TOM What about love? Is love pop? JEANNE No. That's not. Love isn't pop. TOM Love isn't pop. So what is it? JEANNE The workers retire to a secret flat, take off their overalls and become men and women again and make love. The fussing on the dress is finished. Jeanne slowly, PUTS ON HER GLOVES, relishing them. She STRUTS slowly for all to stare and LAVISH her in her dress. Tom is CAPTIVATED. TOM You're wonderful. JEANNE It's the dress that makes the bride. TOM You're better than Rita Hayworth. He wanders out into the street. It is RAINING HEAVILY. Better than Joan Crawford! Better than Kim Novak! Better than Lauren Bacall! Better than Ava Gardner when she was Mickey Rooney's lover! Hes FILM CREW scatters for cover. TOM (CONT'D) What are you doing? Stop! Stop, but keep filming! Why aren't you filming in the rain? CREW 1 You're crazy! 68. They huddle underneath the DOOR of the FILM TRUCK. Tom has lost Jeanne in all the HUBUB. He is disgusted with his CREW. TOM You're all fired! He goes back to the SHOP. TOM (CONT'D) Where's Jeanne? DRESSER 1 She must have run off. TOM When? ln the rain? He runs down the street in the rain looking for her. JEANNE Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LOBBY - DAY Paul comes POINDING in from the rain. He STOMPS the water off his shoes. He breaks into an IMPROMPTU SOFT SHOE. He opens the gate to the ELEVATOR and gets on. He pushes the button. The elevator STARTS UP. JEANNE'S VOICE Please forgive me! Paul stops the elevator. He SENDS IT BACK DOWN. We see Jeanne has been waiting on the ADJACENT STAIRS for Paul. She is still in her WEDDING DRESS. She implores Paul from outside the elevator. JEANNE (FRENCH) Forgive me! I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. (ENGLISH) I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. I can't. I can't leave you, do you understand? 69. She stands, PLEADING at the ELEVATOR. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you still want me? Paul does the EYEBROW TRILL. He opens the elevator so she can get on. ELEVATOR As it ascends, Jeanne slowly RAISES HER DRESS, revealing NO UNDERWEAR and her AMPLE BUSH to Paul. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - ENTRANCE - MOMENTS LATER The door flies open. Paul comes in CARRYING Jeanne in his arms. PAUL Voil ! He starts doing a JIG AND SONG... all the way to the MATTRESSES. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh, there once was a man And he had an old sow ow! Hi-diddle- dow... He puts her on the bed. She is GIGGLING. PAUL (CONT'D) You're wet. Paul pats her stomach and leaves the room. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Paul opens the curtains. Jeanne's SCREAMS come from the other room. He goes to investigate. PAUL (CONT'D) What the hell? BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne screams BLOODY MURDER and points to a DEAD RAT on the STILL UNMADE MATTRESS. 70. PAUL (CONT'D) A rat. Only a rat. He PICKS IT UP by the tail. She stumbles over herself to get away. PAUL (CONT'D) There are more rats in Paris than people. Yum, yum, yum. He holds it out, OFFERING IT to her. She freaks. She runs to the other side of the room. JEANNE I want to go! He brings it to her... she continues to BACK PEDDLE. PAUL Wait, wait! Don't you want a bite first? You don't want to run and eat. JEANNE This is the end! He points to the ASS of the RAT. PAUL No, this is the end... Then points to the HEAD. PAUL (CONT'D) ...but I like to start with the head. That's the best part. Are you sure you won't have any? OK. He DANGLES IT over his mouth, flitting his tounge, pretending to eat it. She is gonna HURL. PAUL (CONT'D) What's the matter? You don't dig rat? JEANNE I wanna go! I can't make love in this bed any more. I can't. It's disgusting! Nauseating! PAUL Well, we'll fuck on the radiator or standing on the mantel. 71. He holds up the RAT again. PAUL (CONT'D) Listen, I gotta get some mayonnaise for this. Because, it really is good with mayonnaise. He heads out, then stops and LOOKS BACK AT HER. PAUL (CONT'D) I'll save the asshole for you. He really leaves this time. PAUL'S VOICE Rat's asshole with mayonnaise! He LAUGHS at himself. Jeanne is a BASKET CASE. She sits on her HAUNCHES, muttering. JEANNE I want to get out of here. I want to go. I can't stand it here any more. Yes. I'm going. She gets up, gets her purse and goes to the door. We see her ASS through the SHEER FABRIC of her wedding dress. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm not coming back... ever. She gets to the... FRONT DOOR Paul is there, WAITING, NONCHALANT. PAUL Quo vadis, baby? JEANNE I forgot to tell you something. I fell in love with somebody. PAUL Oh, isn't that wonderful? You know, you're going to have to get out of these wet duds. He PATS HER ASS. JEANNE I'm going to make love with him! 72. She opens the door but he closes it. She STOMPS into the HALL. PAUL Well, first you have to take a hot bath. Cos if you don't... He walks toward her. PAUL (CONT'D) ...you're gonna get pneumonia, right? Huh? She STOMPS a few more steps toward the BATHROOM. PAUL (CONT'D) And then you know what happens? You get pneumonia, then you know what happens? You die. And then, you know what happens when you die? I get to fuck the dead rat! He THROWS HER OVER his shoulder and carries her KICKING AND SCREAMING into the... CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM Jeanne is in the BATHTUB. Paul sits on the BIDET behind her with a WASHCLOTH. PAUL Give me the soap. She does. JEANNE I'm in love. PAUL You're in love? He shoves her head UNDER THE WATER. PAUL (CONT'D) How delightful. She comes up ANGRY. JEANNE I'm in love! I'm in love, you understand? 73. He SMACKS her with the washcloth on the head. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm in love, I'm in love! He SHOVES HER under again. JEANNE (CONT'D) Oh! I'm in love! He HITS HER on the head with her own shoe. She just gets more ANGRY. JEANNE (CONT'D) You know, you're old! You're getting fat. PAUL Fat, is it? How unkind. JEANNE Half of your hair is out and the other half is almost white. He smacks her in the mouth with the wash cloth, she smiles. PAUL In ten years, you'll be playing soccer with your tits. He starts WASHING HER back. PAUL (CONT'D) What do you think of that? You know what I'm gonna be doing? JEANNE You will be on a... wheelchair! PAUL Well, maybe. But, you know... I'll be smirking and giggling all the way to eternity. JEANNE How poetic. But please, before you go, wash my feet. She holds up A FOOT. PAUL OK. oblesse oblige. 74. He sits on the edge of the TUB and grabs her foot. He takes a sniff... She pulls it away. JEANNE You know, he and I, we make love. He WASHES her foot. PAUL Oh, really? That's wonderful. Is he a good fucker? JEANNE Magnificent. He puts up the OTHER FOOT to was, he obliges again. PAUL You know, you're a jerk. Cos the best fucking you're gonna get is right here in this apartment. Stand up. She does. He washes her ASS. JEANNE He is full of mysteries. PAUL Give me the soap. Listen, you dumb dodo. All the mysteries that you're ever gonna know in life are right here. He washes her STOMACH. JEANNE He is like everybody but... at the same time he's different. PAUL You mean, like everybody. JEANNE Yeah, but... even he fright me. Even he frightens me. PAUL What is he, your local pimp? JEANNE He could be. He looks it. You know why I'm in love with him? 75. PAUL I can't wait. JEANNE Because he know. He know how to make me fall in love with him. She gets out. He COVERS her with a BIG RED TOWEL. PAUL You want this man you love to protect and take care of you. JEANNE Yeah. PAUL You want this golden, shining, powerful warrior to build a fortress where you can hide in. So you don't have to ever... have... You don't ever have to be afraid. You don't have to feel lonely or empty. That's what you want, isn't it? JEANNE Yes. PAUL Well, you'll never find it. JEANNE But I find this man. PAUL Then it won't be long until he'll want you to build a fortress for him out of your tits and out of your cunt and your hair and your smile and the way you smell. And... and some place where he can feel comfortable and secure enough so that he can worship in front of the altar of his own prick. JEANNE But I find this man! They lean against SEPERATE WALLS. 76. PAUL No, you're alone. You're all alone. You won't be free of that feeling of being alone until you look death right in the face. I mean, that sounds like bullshit, some romantic crap, until you go right up into the ass of death. Right up in his ass... till you find the womb of fear. And then,... maybe... Maybe then, you'll be able to find him. JEANNE But I find this man. He's you! You are that man! Paul doesn't like that comment. He needs to TEACH HER another LESSON. He bites a HANGNAIL. PAUL Get me the scissors. JEANNE What? PAUL Get me the fingernail scissors. She STOMPS past him to get them, hands them to him. PAUL (CONT'D) No. I want you to cut the fingernails on your right hand, these two. She DOES. JEANNE That's it. He stands FACING the wall and PULLS HIS pants down. PAUL I want you to put your fingers up my ass. JEANNE What? PAUL Put your fingers up my ass, are you deaf? Go on. I'm gonna get a pig... and I'm... I'm gonna have the pig fuck you. (MORE) 77. PAUL (CONT'D) I want the pig to vomit in your face and I want you to swallow the vomit. Are you gonna do that for me? JEANNE Yeah. PAUL Huh? JEANNE Yeah! PAUL I want the pig to die while... while you're fucking him. Then you'll have to go behind him. I want you to smell the dying farts of the pig. Are you gonna do all of that for me? JEANNE Yes, and more than that! And worse! And worse than before. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - TEMPORARY VIEWING ROOM - DAY ROSA'S WAKE. Rosa's mother has set up a room in the Hotel as a VIEWING ROOM for her daughter. She is, as promised, surrounded by TONS OF FLOWERS. Paul comes in and pulls up a chair next to ROSA. He turns on the LIGHT. PAUL You look ridiculous in that make- up. Like the caricature of a whore. A little touch of Mommy in the night. Fake Ophelia drowned in the bathtub. I wish you could see yourself. You'd really laugh. You're your mother's masterpiece. He pulls the chair closer to her. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh Christ! There are too many fucking flowers in this place. I can't breathe. You know on the top of the closet? (MORE) 78. PAUL (CONT'D) The cardboard box, I found all your... I found all your little goodies. Pens, keychains, foreign money, French ticklers, the whole shot. Even a clergyman's collar. I didn't know you collected all those little knick-knacks left behind. Even if the husband lives fucking years, he's never going to be able to discover his wife's real nature. I mean, I... I might be able to comprehend the universe, but... 'll never discover the truth bout you. Never. I mean, who the hell were you? Remember that day, the first day I was there? I knew that I couldn't get into your pants unless I said... What did I say? Oh, yeah. "May I have my bill, please? I have to leave." Remember? Last night... I ripped off the lights on your mother. And the whole joint went bananas. All your... guests... as you used to call them... Well, I guess that includes me, doesn't it? It does include me, doesn't it? For five years, I was more a guest in this fucking flophouse than a husband. With privileges, of course. And then, to help me understand you, you let me inherit Marcel. The husband's double, whose room was the double of ours. And you know what? I didn't even have the guts to ask him. Didn't have the guts to ask him if the same numbers you and I did were the same numbers you did with him. Our marriage was nothing more than a foxhole for you. And all it took for you to get out was a -cent razor and a tub full of water. You cheap, goddamn, fucking, godforsaken whore. I hope you rot in hell. You're worse than the dirtiest street pig anybody could find, and you know why? You know why? Because you lied. You lied to me and I trusted you. You lied. You knew you were lying! Go on, tell me you didn't lie. Haven't you got anything to say about that? You can think up something, can't you? (MORE) 79. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me something! Smile, you cunt! He STARTS to WEEP. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me... Tell me something sweet. Smile at me and say I just misunderstood. Go on, tell me. You pig-fucker! You goddamn, fucking, pig-fucking liar. Rosa, I'm sorry... I just can't... I can't stand it... to see these goddamn things on your face. You never wore make-up. This fucking shit. I'm gonna take this off your mouth. This lipstick... Rosa... Oh, God! He COLLAPSES on her, SOBBING. PAUL (CONT'D) I'm sorry. I don't know why you did it. I'd do it too, if I knew how. I just don't know how. I have to... I have to find a way. [OC] We hear a voice. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Is anyone there? PAUL What? PROSTITUTE'S VOICE There was a noise in there! PAUL All right, I'm... I'm coming. (back to ROSA) I have to go. I have to go, sweetheart, baby. Somebody's calling me. He starts to the door. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Well? Is anyone there? PAUL Yeah. I'm coming. CUT TO: 80. INT. HOTEL - ENTRANCE - DAY Outside the FRONT DOOR, the source of the voice, a WORN OUT and OLD PROSTITUTE. She is with her JOHN. PROSTITUTE (TO JOHN) Here he is. (TO PAUL) Hurry up! Wake up! Open up! Open up! PAUL It's four in the morning. PROSTITUTE I need room four for a while. (TO JOHN) Half an hour? (TO PAUL) Yes, that'll do. Yes, half an hour. PAUL We're full. She knocks on the door, INCESANTLY. PROSTITUTE That's not true. When you're full, you put a sign outside. I know the hotel. I'm sick of arguing out on the street. Call the owner. What are you waiting for? The owner has never made a fuss. Rosa and I are old friends. Open up. Paul opens up. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Don't make any trouble or I'll tell your boss. (TO JOHN) Come in, it's all sorted... But the man has LEFT. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) You've won. He's taken off. PAUL I'm very sorry. PROSTITUTE Hurry up! He can't be far away. 81. She PUSHES him out to the street. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Make him come back. Tell him he can't just walk off. She SHOVES HIM out the door and DOWN THE STREET. Paul CHASES the man on foot for BLOCKS and BLOCKS. He finally CATCHES UP to him in a --- CUT TO: EXT. PARIS STREET - ALLEY - MORNING The JOHN figures he has gotten away. He reverses his TRENCH COAT to the appropriate side. Paul comes around the corner. The John doesn't see any HOSTILITY coming. But it DOES. JOHN Oh,... please don't tell her you found me. I don't fancy it any more. Did you see her face? Once, my wife satisfied me. But now she's got a skin disease. It's like snakeskin. Put yourself in my place. Paul grabs him by the tie and drags him. PAUL Come. Come with me. The man FIGHTS BACK. JOHN But... Let go of me! Paul doesn't like that. He ROUGHS HIM UP, throwing him from WALL TO WALL. JOHN (CONT'D) You're crazy! Let go of me! Let go! He ends up on the ground MINUS HIS COAT. Paul KICKS HIM IN THE ASS like a dog. PAUL Get the fuck out of here! 82. The man RUNS OFF. PAUL (CONT'D) Faggot! Paul heads back up the ALLEY as the man CONTINUES OFF in the f.g. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - PAUL AND ROSA'S ROOM - DAY Paul lays down on his TWIN BED with his ROBE on over his clothes. We see that his BAGS ARE PACKED. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - BEDROOM - DAY We see that the mattress is gone. Only a pile of sheets and pillows remain in the room. Jeanne is on the floor, on her knees, doubled over in SICK GRIEF. PAUL HAS MOVED OUT. JEANNE No! She WANDERS through the apt., GRIEF STRICKEN, from room to room. We see only a FEW BELONGINGS left around. Shoes, the CAT (where was it for the "rat problem"?) and phone. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne RIPS THE SHEET OFF the piece of furniture that has been COVERED UP all along. We all wondered what was underneath that was so precious. It's nothing special. She COLLAPSES in grief again, the furniture falling on her, she KICKS IT OFF. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - FRONT DESK - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne talks to the CRAZY Concierge from BEFORE. Her head STUCK through the LITTLE WINDOW while the crazy woman PUFFS a cig. 83. JEANNE Try and remember! The man from the fourth floor. He moved in a few days ago. CONCIERGE I told you, I don't know anyone. They come and go. The man on the fourth, the woman on the first. What do I know? She gives a CRAZY CACKLE. JEANNE Where did they take the furniture too? It's empty. Where do you send his mail? Give me his address. CONCIERGE I don't have it. I don't know these people. JEANNE Not even his name? CONCIERGE Nothing! Jeanne STORMS OUT. CONCIERGE (CONT'D) Ma'zelle! CUT TO: INT. PAYPHONE BOOTH - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne is on the payphone in the bar from before. She speaks to Tom. Still DESPONDENT, tears stream down her face. JEANNE I've found a flat for us. 1 rue Jules Verne. Yes. In Passy. Come quickly! You'll come now? Do you know where it is? I'll wait for you. Come over. She struggles to HANG UP THE PHONE through her grief. She BREAKS DOWN, closing the door for privacy. 84. We can SEE HER through the door as she leans on it. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - DAY The front DOORBELL RINGS. JEANNE Come in, it's open. Tom comes in. Jeanne stares out the window. She is BATHED in sunlight. Tom LOOKS AROUND in b.g. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you like our flat? It's very light. There's a tiny room, too. It's too small for a double bed. It would be fine for a child. Fidel. That's a nice name for a boy. Fidel, as in Castro. TOM But I'd like a girl, too. Rosa. As in Rosa Luxemburg. Less famous, but I like it. You know, I wanted to film you every day. In the morning, when you wake up, in the evening, when you sleep. When you first smile, and I didn't film any of that. Here. He hands her FLOWERS. She REGARDS them. He circles to her front. TOM (CONT'D) Today is the last day of shooting. The film is finished. I don't like things that finish, things that end. You have to start something else right away. They EMBRACE and KISS. THAT ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Tom looks around the place. 85. TOM (CONT'D) This flat is huge! Jeanne has made her way to the DINING ROOM. TOM (CONT'D) Where are you? JEANNE I'm here! They continue shouting across the apt. TOM It's too big! We'll get lost! JEANNE Stop it! Don't start! TOM How did you find this flat? JEANNE By chance. TOM We'll change everything! Jeanne holds her ARMS OUT like a bird. JEANNE Everything! We'll change chance to destiny. TOM Go on, Jeanne. Take off! MUSIC RISES as Jeanne pretends to FLY AROUND the apt. from ROOM TO ROOM making AIRPLANE NOISES as Tom DIRECTS HER. TOM (CONT'D) Fly away, you're in heaven! You're soaring, you're in heaven! Come down, take a nose dive, come down! Make three turns, come down. Jeanne, what's happening? There's an air pocket. Tom gets SUDDENLY SERIOUS. JEANNE What's happening? 86. TOM The patches of turbulence are over. We can't play like children any more, Jeanne. This stops Jeanne in her TRACKS. They face each other. TOM (CONT'D) We're adults. JEANNE Adults? That's awful! TOM Yes. It's awful. JEANNE What do adults do? TOM I don't know. We'll have to invent the gestures and the words. For example, adults... He walks slowly toward her. They EMBRACE PASSIONATELY. They kiss. He breaks away again, SERIOUS. TOM (CONT'D) But there's one thing I do know. Adults are calm... He walks backward as Jeanne STALKS HIM. TOM (CONT'D) ...serious, logical, measured, level-headed... JEANNE Yes... TOM And... they face up to problems... JEANNE ...Yes, yes. Yes, yes. He STOPS ABRUPTLY. 87. TOM You see, Jeanne, this flat won't work for us. This flat, it won't work for us, Jeanne. JEANNE Where are you going? TOM To look for a flat. He walks out to a SHOCKED Jeanne. JEANNE What kind of flat? But he COMES BACK. TOM A flat we can live in. JEANNE We can live here. TOM It's squalid. It smells. It makes me sick.

realized

How many times the word 'realized' appears in the text?

COMES... PAUL You... You... You... You f... You... fucking... fucking... family. You fucking... family! Oh, God... Jesus. Oh, you... Oh... 58. He COLLAPSES on her, SPENT as she continues to WEEP. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - THAT MOMENT A TRAIN ROARS by on the TRAIN BRIDGE. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM Paul is SLEEPING on the floor amidst the BREAD AND BUTTER. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - MOMENTS LATER Another couple of TRAINS go by. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - LATER Paul SLEEPS more. On his STOMACH now, with his foot on a piece of FURNITURE. Jeanne puts a record on the RECORD PLAYER she brought with her. She goes to plug it into the FLOOR PLUG but gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. JEANNE Shit! She looks at him sleeping. JEANNE (CONT'D) Hey, you! He looks at her UPSIDE DOWN. JEANNE (CONT'D) Yes, you! PAUL Huh? JEANNE I've got a surprise for you. 59. PAUL What? He looks at himself in a SMALL MIRROR. JEANNE I've got a surprise for you! PAUL That's good. I like surprises. He FLIPS HIMSELF over backwards onto his feet. He walks over to her and the RECORD PLAYER. He stares down at her. PAUL (CONT'D) What is it? JEANNE Music. But I don't know how to work it. He sits on the FLOOR next to her. He plugs in the RECORD PLAYER. He JUMPS as he gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. Jeanne is secretly amused. PAUL Do you enjoy that? He gets the RECORD PLAYING. It's some 70's HIPPY MUSIC. Jeanne sways to it while Paul reads the JACKET COVER. CUT TO: EXT. PASSY VIADUCT PARK - DAY HIPPIE MUSIC CONTINUES Tom and Jeanne sit, ROMANTICALLY ENTWINED on a SEA WALL while his FILM CREW films in the b.g. They sit FACE TO FACE, he holds her shoulders and stares into her eyes. TOM Do you know why I sent the others away? JEANNE Because you're angry, or you want to be alone with me? 60. TOM And why do I want to be alone with you? JEANNE You have something really serious to tell me. He plays with her hair. TOM I have something really very serious to tell you. JEANNE Is it happy or sad? TOM It's a secret. JEANNE So it's happy. What sort of secret? TOM A secret... As his FILM CREW dolly around them in the b.g., his SOUND PERSON yells at them. SOUND PERSON Speak up! I can't hear anything. TOM ...between a man and a woman. JEANNE Is it dirty or is it about love? TOM About love. But that's not all. JEANNE A secret about love, but which isn't love. What is it?! He puts a LIFE PRESERVER over her. TOM Voila. That in a week I'm marrying you. JEANNE What? 61. TOM I'm marrying you. JEANNE What?! TOM I'm marrying you! JEANNE You're marrying me? TOM Yes! JEANNE We're getting married? TOM Yes we're getting married. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE No! TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM No. Are we getting married or not? JEANNE I don't know. 62. TOM So, yes, then? JEANNE Yes! TOM No! JEANNE Yes! TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes or no? She take the life preserver off and THROWS IT IN THE WATER. Together, they WATCH IT SINK. CUT TO: EXT. JEANNE'S MOTHERS APT. - PORCH - DAY JEANNE'S MOTHER beats the dirt off her LATE HUSBANDS MILITARY JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'll send everything to the country. What do you think, Jeanne? INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne tries on another of her FATHERS MILITARY UNIFORMS complete with HAT. JEANNE Olympia will be happy. I went there yesterday with Tom. Her mother joins her inside. She carries the FATHERS BOOTS. JEANNE (CONT'D) She's preparing a family museum. 63. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'm not sending the boots. I'm keeping them with me. I get strange shivers when I touch them. Jeanne goes into an ADJOINING ROOM while her mom continues reflecting, IRONING the JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER (CONT'D) All these military things never age. She looks up just in time to see that Jeanne has found her fathers gun and is pointing it in her direction. JEANNE When I was little, it seemed really heavy when Papa taught me how to shoot. JEANNE'S MOTHER I'm keeping that here. In a respectable household, it's useful to have a weapon. JEANNE You don't even know how to use it. JEANNE'S MOTHER The important thing is to have one. It makes an impression. JEANNE You really kept everything of Papa's. She shows her mom a picture she has scrounged up from her FATHERS WALLET of a TOPLESS NEGRO FEMALE. JEANNE (CONT'D) Who's that? His orderly? JEANNE'S MOTHER A fine example of a Berber. JEANNE Oh. 64. JEANNE'S MOTHER A strong race. I tried to employ them as servants, but it was disastrous. 'm glad I decided to send everything to the country. All his things were piling up and piling up. JEANNE Don't worry. You'll soon have all the space you want. JEANNE'S MOTHER What does that mean? JEANNE Nothing. She takes off the HAT and JACKET and throws them on the sofa. She heads to the FRONT DOOR with MOM FOLLOWING, on pins and needles. JEANNE (CONT'D) Madame, the colonel's lady, I announce... Mom RUNS IN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What? JEANNE On this solemn day... She goes out the door... JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What solemn day? She RUNS AFTER her daughter. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne is on the ELEVATOR. She sticks her head out. JEANNE I'm getting married in a week! She shuts the door and HEADS DOWN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What did you say? 65. Mom follows her down STEP FOR STEP. JEANNE To Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER Pardon? JEANNE Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER What are you doing in a week? CUT TO: EXT. OUTDOOR SHOP BAZAAR - DAY Tom and his FILM CREW film Jeanne trying on wedding dresses. He COUNTS DOWN to the shot. TOM Five... two! He does the CLAPPER with his hands. Jeanne and her HOST OF DRESSERS is lost in her fittings. TOM (CONT'D) Move into shot! We're shooting! They move into the center of the shop. We get another look at Jeanne's LEFT BREAST as it slips out of the dress being fitted. Tom fires off QUESTIONS for film purposes. TOM (CONT'D) So,... how do you see marriage? JEANNE Marriage? TOM Yes. Jeanne gives her upbeat EXTISTENTIAL RESPONSES as her fitting continues. JEANNE I see it everywhere. All the time. 66. TOM What do you mean, everywhere? JEANNE On walls. On buildings. TOM Walls and buildings? JEANNE Yes, on advertising hoardings. TOM What are they selling? Cars. Tinned meat. Cigarettes. JEANNE No. They're all about young couples. Before marriage, no children. Then the same couple, married with children. In short, marriage. The perfect, ideal, successful marriage. It's no longer the preserve of the Church. The husband was burdened with responsibilities and the wife nagged. Now, weddings in advertising smile! TOM They smile. On posters. JEANNE On posters, of course. But why t take poster marriage seriously? Marriage... Pop marriage! Tom comes out from under a DRESS. TOM Pop? That's the formula. For pop youth, pop marriage! But... what if the pop marriage doesn't work? JEANNE Then you have to fix it like you would a car. The spouses are two workers in overalls bending over an engine to fix it. TOM And in case of adultery what happens to the pop marriage? 67. JEANNE In that case, there are three or four workers. TOM What about love? Is love pop? JEANNE No. That's not. Love isn't pop. TOM Love isn't pop. So what is it? JEANNE The workers retire to a secret flat, take off their overalls and become men and women again and make love. The fussing on the dress is finished. Jeanne slowly, PUTS ON HER GLOVES, relishing them. She STRUTS slowly for all to stare and LAVISH her in her dress. Tom is CAPTIVATED. TOM You're wonderful. JEANNE It's the dress that makes the bride. TOM You're better than Rita Hayworth. He wanders out into the street. It is RAINING HEAVILY. Better than Joan Crawford! Better than Kim Novak! Better than Lauren Bacall! Better than Ava Gardner when she was Mickey Rooney's lover! Hes FILM CREW scatters for cover. TOM (CONT'D) What are you doing? Stop! Stop, but keep filming! Why aren't you filming in the rain? CREW 1 You're crazy! 68. They huddle underneath the DOOR of the FILM TRUCK. Tom has lost Jeanne in all the HUBUB. He is disgusted with his CREW. TOM You're all fired! He goes back to the SHOP. TOM (CONT'D) Where's Jeanne? DRESSER 1 She must have run off. TOM When? ln the rain? He runs down the street in the rain looking for her. JEANNE Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LOBBY - DAY Paul comes POINDING in from the rain. He STOMPS the water off his shoes. He breaks into an IMPROMPTU SOFT SHOE. He opens the gate to the ELEVATOR and gets on. He pushes the button. The elevator STARTS UP. JEANNE'S VOICE Please forgive me! Paul stops the elevator. He SENDS IT BACK DOWN. We see Jeanne has been waiting on the ADJACENT STAIRS for Paul. She is still in her WEDDING DRESS. She implores Paul from outside the elevator. JEANNE (FRENCH) Forgive me! I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. (ENGLISH) I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. I can't. I can't leave you, do you understand? 69. She stands, PLEADING at the ELEVATOR. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you still want me? Paul does the EYEBROW TRILL. He opens the elevator so she can get on. ELEVATOR As it ascends, Jeanne slowly RAISES HER DRESS, revealing NO UNDERWEAR and her AMPLE BUSH to Paul. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - ENTRANCE - MOMENTS LATER The door flies open. Paul comes in CARRYING Jeanne in his arms. PAUL Voil ! He starts doing a JIG AND SONG... all the way to the MATTRESSES. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh, there once was a man And he had an old sow ow! Hi-diddle- dow... He puts her on the bed. She is GIGGLING. PAUL (CONT'D) You're wet. Paul pats her stomach and leaves the room. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Paul opens the curtains. Jeanne's SCREAMS come from the other room. He goes to investigate. PAUL (CONT'D) What the hell? BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne screams BLOODY MURDER and points to a DEAD RAT on the STILL UNMADE MATTRESS. 70. PAUL (CONT'D) A rat. Only a rat. He PICKS IT UP by the tail. She stumbles over herself to get away. PAUL (CONT'D) There are more rats in Paris than people. Yum, yum, yum. He holds it out, OFFERING IT to her. She freaks. She runs to the other side of the room. JEANNE I want to go! He brings it to her... she continues to BACK PEDDLE. PAUL Wait, wait! Don't you want a bite first? You don't want to run and eat. JEANNE This is the end! He points to the ASS of the RAT. PAUL No, this is the end... Then points to the HEAD. PAUL (CONT'D) ...but I like to start with the head. That's the best part. Are you sure you won't have any? OK. He DANGLES IT over his mouth, flitting his tounge, pretending to eat it. She is gonna HURL. PAUL (CONT'D) What's the matter? You don't dig rat? JEANNE I wanna go! I can't make love in this bed any more. I can't. It's disgusting! Nauseating! PAUL Well, we'll fuck on the radiator or standing on the mantel. 71. He holds up the RAT again. PAUL (CONT'D) Listen, I gotta get some mayonnaise for this. Because, it really is good with mayonnaise. He heads out, then stops and LOOKS BACK AT HER. PAUL (CONT'D) I'll save the asshole for you. He really leaves this time. PAUL'S VOICE Rat's asshole with mayonnaise! He LAUGHS at himself. Jeanne is a BASKET CASE. She sits on her HAUNCHES, muttering. JEANNE I want to get out of here. I want to go. I can't stand it here any more. Yes. I'm going. She gets up, gets her purse and goes to the door. We see her ASS through the SHEER FABRIC of her wedding dress. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm not coming back... ever. She gets to the... FRONT DOOR Paul is there, WAITING, NONCHALANT. PAUL Quo vadis, baby? JEANNE I forgot to tell you something. I fell in love with somebody. PAUL Oh, isn't that wonderful? You know, you're going to have to get out of these wet duds. He PATS HER ASS. JEANNE I'm going to make love with him! 72. She opens the door but he closes it. She STOMPS into the HALL. PAUL Well, first you have to take a hot bath. Cos if you don't... He walks toward her. PAUL (CONT'D) ...you're gonna get pneumonia, right? Huh? She STOMPS a few more steps toward the BATHROOM. PAUL (CONT'D) And then you know what happens? You get pneumonia, then you know what happens? You die. And then, you know what happens when you die? I get to fuck the dead rat! He THROWS HER OVER his shoulder and carries her KICKING AND SCREAMING into the... CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM Jeanne is in the BATHTUB. Paul sits on the BIDET behind her with a WASHCLOTH. PAUL Give me the soap. She does. JEANNE I'm in love. PAUL You're in love? He shoves her head UNDER THE WATER. PAUL (CONT'D) How delightful. She comes up ANGRY. JEANNE I'm in love! I'm in love, you understand? 73. He SMACKS her with the washcloth on the head. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm in love, I'm in love! He SHOVES HER under again. JEANNE (CONT'D) Oh! I'm in love! He HITS HER on the head with her own shoe. She just gets more ANGRY. JEANNE (CONT'D) You know, you're old! You're getting fat. PAUL Fat, is it? How unkind. JEANNE Half of your hair is out and the other half is almost white. He smacks her in the mouth with the wash cloth, she smiles. PAUL In ten years, you'll be playing soccer with your tits. He starts WASHING HER back. PAUL (CONT'D) What do you think of that? You know what I'm gonna be doing? JEANNE You will be on a... wheelchair! PAUL Well, maybe. But, you know... I'll be smirking and giggling all the way to eternity. JEANNE How poetic. But please, before you go, wash my feet. She holds up A FOOT. PAUL OK. oblesse oblige. 74. He sits on the edge of the TUB and grabs her foot. He takes a sniff... She pulls it away. JEANNE You know, he and I, we make love. He WASHES her foot. PAUL Oh, really? That's wonderful. Is he a good fucker? JEANNE Magnificent. He puts up the OTHER FOOT to was, he obliges again. PAUL You know, you're a jerk. Cos the best fucking you're gonna get is right here in this apartment. Stand up. She does. He washes her ASS. JEANNE He is full of mysteries. PAUL Give me the soap. Listen, you dumb dodo. All the mysteries that you're ever gonna know in life are right here. He washes her STOMACH. JEANNE He is like everybody but... at the same time he's different. PAUL You mean, like everybody. JEANNE Yeah, but... even he fright me. Even he frightens me. PAUL What is he, your local pimp? JEANNE He could be. He looks it. You know why I'm in love with him? 75. PAUL I can't wait. JEANNE Because he know. He know how to make me fall in love with him. She gets out. He COVERS her with a BIG RED TOWEL. PAUL You want this man you love to protect and take care of you. JEANNE Yeah. PAUL You want this golden, shining, powerful warrior to build a fortress where you can hide in. So you don't have to ever... have... You don't ever have to be afraid. You don't have to feel lonely or empty. That's what you want, isn't it? JEANNE Yes. PAUL Well, you'll never find it. JEANNE But I find this man. PAUL Then it won't be long until he'll want you to build a fortress for him out of your tits and out of your cunt and your hair and your smile and the way you smell. And... and some place where he can feel comfortable and secure enough so that he can worship in front of the altar of his own prick. JEANNE But I find this man! They lean against SEPERATE WALLS. 76. PAUL No, you're alone. You're all alone. You won't be free of that feeling of being alone until you look death right in the face. I mean, that sounds like bullshit, some romantic crap, until you go right up into the ass of death. Right up in his ass... till you find the womb of fear. And then,... maybe... Maybe then, you'll be able to find him. JEANNE But I find this man. He's you! You are that man! Paul doesn't like that comment. He needs to TEACH HER another LESSON. He bites a HANGNAIL. PAUL Get me the scissors. JEANNE What? PAUL Get me the fingernail scissors. She STOMPS past him to get them, hands them to him. PAUL (CONT'D) No. I want you to cut the fingernails on your right hand, these two. She DOES. JEANNE That's it. He stands FACING the wall and PULLS HIS pants down. PAUL I want you to put your fingers up my ass. JEANNE What? PAUL Put your fingers up my ass, are you deaf? Go on. I'm gonna get a pig... and I'm... I'm gonna have the pig fuck you. (MORE) 77. PAUL (CONT'D) I want the pig to vomit in your face and I want you to swallow the vomit. Are you gonna do that for me? JEANNE Yeah. PAUL Huh? JEANNE Yeah! PAUL I want the pig to die while... while you're fucking him. Then you'll have to go behind him. I want you to smell the dying farts of the pig. Are you gonna do all of that for me? JEANNE Yes, and more than that! And worse! And worse than before. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - TEMPORARY VIEWING ROOM - DAY ROSA'S WAKE. Rosa's mother has set up a room in the Hotel as a VIEWING ROOM for her daughter. She is, as promised, surrounded by TONS OF FLOWERS. Paul comes in and pulls up a chair next to ROSA. He turns on the LIGHT. PAUL You look ridiculous in that make- up. Like the caricature of a whore. A little touch of Mommy in the night. Fake Ophelia drowned in the bathtub. I wish you could see yourself. You'd really laugh. You're your mother's masterpiece. He pulls the chair closer to her. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh Christ! There are too many fucking flowers in this place. I can't breathe. You know on the top of the closet? (MORE) 78. PAUL (CONT'D) The cardboard box, I found all your... I found all your little goodies. Pens, keychains, foreign money, French ticklers, the whole shot. Even a clergyman's collar. I didn't know you collected all those little knick-knacks left behind. Even if the husband lives fucking years, he's never going to be able to discover his wife's real nature. I mean, I... I might be able to comprehend the universe, but... 'll never discover the truth bout you. Never. I mean, who the hell were you? Remember that day, the first day I was there? I knew that I couldn't get into your pants unless I said... What did I say? Oh, yeah. "May I have my bill, please? I have to leave." Remember? Last night... I ripped off the lights on your mother. And the whole joint went bananas. All your... guests... as you used to call them... Well, I guess that includes me, doesn't it? It does include me, doesn't it? For five years, I was more a guest in this fucking flophouse than a husband. With privileges, of course. And then, to help me understand you, you let me inherit Marcel. The husband's double, whose room was the double of ours. And you know what? I didn't even have the guts to ask him. Didn't have the guts to ask him if the same numbers you and I did were the same numbers you did with him. Our marriage was nothing more than a foxhole for you. And all it took for you to get out was a -cent razor and a tub full of water. You cheap, goddamn, fucking, godforsaken whore. I hope you rot in hell. You're worse than the dirtiest street pig anybody could find, and you know why? You know why? Because you lied. You lied to me and I trusted you. You lied. You knew you were lying! Go on, tell me you didn't lie. Haven't you got anything to say about that? You can think up something, can't you? (MORE) 79. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me something! Smile, you cunt! He STARTS to WEEP. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me... Tell me something sweet. Smile at me and say I just misunderstood. Go on, tell me. You pig-fucker! You goddamn, fucking, pig-fucking liar. Rosa, I'm sorry... I just can't... I can't stand it... to see these goddamn things on your face. You never wore make-up. This fucking shit. I'm gonna take this off your mouth. This lipstick... Rosa... Oh, God! He COLLAPSES on her, SOBBING. PAUL (CONT'D) I'm sorry. I don't know why you did it. I'd do it too, if I knew how. I just don't know how. I have to... I have to find a way. [OC] We hear a voice. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Is anyone there? PAUL What? PROSTITUTE'S VOICE There was a noise in there! PAUL All right, I'm... I'm coming. (back to ROSA) I have to go. I have to go, sweetheart, baby. Somebody's calling me. He starts to the door. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Well? Is anyone there? PAUL Yeah. I'm coming. CUT TO: 80. INT. HOTEL - ENTRANCE - DAY Outside the FRONT DOOR, the source of the voice, a WORN OUT and OLD PROSTITUTE. She is with her JOHN. PROSTITUTE (TO JOHN) Here he is. (TO PAUL) Hurry up! Wake up! Open up! Open up! PAUL It's four in the morning. PROSTITUTE I need room four for a while. (TO JOHN) Half an hour? (TO PAUL) Yes, that'll do. Yes, half an hour. PAUL We're full. She knocks on the door, INCESANTLY. PROSTITUTE That's not true. When you're full, you put a sign outside. I know the hotel. I'm sick of arguing out on the street. Call the owner. What are you waiting for? The owner has never made a fuss. Rosa and I are old friends. Open up. Paul opens up. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Don't make any trouble or I'll tell your boss. (TO JOHN) Come in, it's all sorted... But the man has LEFT. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) You've won. He's taken off. PAUL I'm very sorry. PROSTITUTE Hurry up! He can't be far away. 81. She PUSHES him out to the street. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Make him come back. Tell him he can't just walk off. She SHOVES HIM out the door and DOWN THE STREET. Paul CHASES the man on foot for BLOCKS and BLOCKS. He finally CATCHES UP to him in a --- CUT TO: EXT. PARIS STREET - ALLEY - MORNING The JOHN figures he has gotten away. He reverses his TRENCH COAT to the appropriate side. Paul comes around the corner. The John doesn't see any HOSTILITY coming. But it DOES. JOHN Oh,... please don't tell her you found me. I don't fancy it any more. Did you see her face? Once, my wife satisfied me. But now she's got a skin disease. It's like snakeskin. Put yourself in my place. Paul grabs him by the tie and drags him. PAUL Come. Come with me. The man FIGHTS BACK. JOHN But... Let go of me! Paul doesn't like that. He ROUGHS HIM UP, throwing him from WALL TO WALL. JOHN (CONT'D) You're crazy! Let go of me! Let go! He ends up on the ground MINUS HIS COAT. Paul KICKS HIM IN THE ASS like a dog. PAUL Get the fuck out of here! 82. The man RUNS OFF. PAUL (CONT'D) Faggot! Paul heads back up the ALLEY as the man CONTINUES OFF in the f.g. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - PAUL AND ROSA'S ROOM - DAY Paul lays down on his TWIN BED with his ROBE on over his clothes. We see that his BAGS ARE PACKED. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - BEDROOM - DAY We see that the mattress is gone. Only a pile of sheets and pillows remain in the room. Jeanne is on the floor, on her knees, doubled over in SICK GRIEF. PAUL HAS MOVED OUT. JEANNE No! She WANDERS through the apt., GRIEF STRICKEN, from room to room. We see only a FEW BELONGINGS left around. Shoes, the CAT (where was it for the "rat problem"?) and phone. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne RIPS THE SHEET OFF the piece of furniture that has been COVERED UP all along. We all wondered what was underneath that was so precious. It's nothing special. She COLLAPSES in grief again, the furniture falling on her, she KICKS IT OFF. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - FRONT DESK - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne talks to the CRAZY Concierge from BEFORE. Her head STUCK through the LITTLE WINDOW while the crazy woman PUFFS a cig. 83. JEANNE Try and remember! The man from the fourth floor. He moved in a few days ago. CONCIERGE I told you, I don't know anyone. They come and go. The man on the fourth, the woman on the first. What do I know? She gives a CRAZY CACKLE. JEANNE Where did they take the furniture too? It's empty. Where do you send his mail? Give me his address. CONCIERGE I don't have it. I don't know these people. JEANNE Not even his name? CONCIERGE Nothing! Jeanne STORMS OUT. CONCIERGE (CONT'D) Ma'zelle! CUT TO: INT. PAYPHONE BOOTH - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne is on the payphone in the bar from before. She speaks to Tom. Still DESPONDENT, tears stream down her face. JEANNE I've found a flat for us. 1 rue Jules Verne. Yes. In Passy. Come quickly! You'll come now? Do you know where it is? I'll wait for you. Come over. She struggles to HANG UP THE PHONE through her grief. She BREAKS DOWN, closing the door for privacy. 84. We can SEE HER through the door as she leans on it. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - DAY The front DOORBELL RINGS. JEANNE Come in, it's open. Tom comes in. Jeanne stares out the window. She is BATHED in sunlight. Tom LOOKS AROUND in b.g. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you like our flat? It's very light. There's a tiny room, too. It's too small for a double bed. It would be fine for a child. Fidel. That's a nice name for a boy. Fidel, as in Castro. TOM But I'd like a girl, too. Rosa. As in Rosa Luxemburg. Less famous, but I like it. You know, I wanted to film you every day. In the morning, when you wake up, in the evening, when you sleep. When you first smile, and I didn't film any of that. Here. He hands her FLOWERS. She REGARDS them. He circles to her front. TOM (CONT'D) Today is the last day of shooting. The film is finished. I don't like things that finish, things that end. You have to start something else right away. They EMBRACE and KISS. THAT ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Tom looks around the place. 85. TOM (CONT'D) This flat is huge! Jeanne has made her way to the DINING ROOM. TOM (CONT'D) Where are you? JEANNE I'm here! They continue shouting across the apt. TOM It's too big! We'll get lost! JEANNE Stop it! Don't start! TOM How did you find this flat? JEANNE By chance. TOM We'll change everything! Jeanne holds her ARMS OUT like a bird. JEANNE Everything! We'll change chance to destiny. TOM Go on, Jeanne. Take off! MUSIC RISES as Jeanne pretends to FLY AROUND the apt. from ROOM TO ROOM making AIRPLANE NOISES as Tom DIRECTS HER. TOM (CONT'D) Fly away, you're in heaven! You're soaring, you're in heaven! Come down, take a nose dive, come down! Make three turns, come down. Jeanne, what's happening? There's an air pocket. Tom gets SUDDENLY SERIOUS. JEANNE What's happening? 86. TOM The patches of turbulence are over. We can't play like children any more, Jeanne. This stops Jeanne in her TRACKS. They face each other. TOM (CONT'D) We're adults. JEANNE Adults? That's awful! TOM Yes. It's awful. JEANNE What do adults do? TOM I don't know. We'll have to invent the gestures and the words. For example, adults... He walks slowly toward her. They EMBRACE PASSIONATELY. They kiss. He breaks away again, SERIOUS. TOM (CONT'D) But there's one thing I do know. Adults are calm... He walks backward as Jeanne STALKS HIM. TOM (CONT'D) ...serious, logical, measured, level-headed... JEANNE Yes... TOM And... they face up to problems... JEANNE ...Yes, yes. Yes, yes. He STOPS ABRUPTLY. 87. TOM You see, Jeanne, this flat won't work for us. This flat, it won't work for us, Jeanne. JEANNE Where are you going? TOM To look for a flat. He walks out to a SHOCKED Jeanne. JEANNE What kind of flat? But he COMES BACK. TOM A flat we can live in. JEANNE We can live here. TOM It's squalid. It smells. It makes me sick.

amused

How many times the word 'amused' appears in the text?

COMES... PAUL You... You... You... You f... You... fucking... fucking... family. You fucking... family! Oh, God... Jesus. Oh, you... Oh... 58. He COLLAPSES on her, SPENT as she continues to WEEP. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - THAT MOMENT A TRAIN ROARS by on the TRAIN BRIDGE. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM Paul is SLEEPING on the floor amidst the BREAD AND BUTTER. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - MOMENTS LATER Another couple of TRAINS go by. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - LATER Paul SLEEPS more. On his STOMACH now, with his foot on a piece of FURNITURE. Jeanne puts a record on the RECORD PLAYER she brought with her. She goes to plug it into the FLOOR PLUG but gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. JEANNE Shit! She looks at him sleeping. JEANNE (CONT'D) Hey, you! He looks at her UPSIDE DOWN. JEANNE (CONT'D) Yes, you! PAUL Huh? JEANNE I've got a surprise for you. 59. PAUL What? He looks at himself in a SMALL MIRROR. JEANNE I've got a surprise for you! PAUL That's good. I like surprises. He FLIPS HIMSELF over backwards onto his feet. He walks over to her and the RECORD PLAYER. He stares down at her. PAUL (CONT'D) What is it? JEANNE Music. But I don't know how to work it. He sits on the FLOOR next to her. He plugs in the RECORD PLAYER. He JUMPS as he gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. Jeanne is secretly amused. PAUL Do you enjoy that? He gets the RECORD PLAYING. It's some 70's HIPPY MUSIC. Jeanne sways to it while Paul reads the JACKET COVER. CUT TO: EXT. PASSY VIADUCT PARK - DAY HIPPIE MUSIC CONTINUES Tom and Jeanne sit, ROMANTICALLY ENTWINED on a SEA WALL while his FILM CREW films in the b.g. They sit FACE TO FACE, he holds her shoulders and stares into her eyes. TOM Do you know why I sent the others away? JEANNE Because you're angry, or you want to be alone with me? 60. TOM And why do I want to be alone with you? JEANNE You have something really serious to tell me. He plays with her hair. TOM I have something really very serious to tell you. JEANNE Is it happy or sad? TOM It's a secret. JEANNE So it's happy. What sort of secret? TOM A secret... As his FILM CREW dolly around them in the b.g., his SOUND PERSON yells at them. SOUND PERSON Speak up! I can't hear anything. TOM ...between a man and a woman. JEANNE Is it dirty or is it about love? TOM About love. But that's not all. JEANNE A secret about love, but which isn't love. What is it?! He puts a LIFE PRESERVER over her. TOM Voila. That in a week I'm marrying you. JEANNE What? 61. TOM I'm marrying you. JEANNE What?! TOM I'm marrying you! JEANNE You're marrying me? TOM Yes! JEANNE We're getting married? TOM Yes we're getting married. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE No! TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM No. Are we getting married or not? JEANNE I don't know. 62. TOM So, yes, then? JEANNE Yes! TOM No! JEANNE Yes! TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes or no? She take the life preserver off and THROWS IT IN THE WATER. Together, they WATCH IT SINK. CUT TO: EXT. JEANNE'S MOTHERS APT. - PORCH - DAY JEANNE'S MOTHER beats the dirt off her LATE HUSBANDS MILITARY JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'll send everything to the country. What do you think, Jeanne? INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne tries on another of her FATHERS MILITARY UNIFORMS complete with HAT. JEANNE Olympia will be happy. I went there yesterday with Tom. Her mother joins her inside. She carries the FATHERS BOOTS. JEANNE (CONT'D) She's preparing a family museum. 63. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'm not sending the boots. I'm keeping them with me. I get strange shivers when I touch them. Jeanne goes into an ADJOINING ROOM while her mom continues reflecting, IRONING the JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER (CONT'D) All these military things never age. She looks up just in time to see that Jeanne has found her fathers gun and is pointing it in her direction. JEANNE When I was little, it seemed really heavy when Papa taught me how to shoot. JEANNE'S MOTHER I'm keeping that here. In a respectable household, it's useful to have a weapon. JEANNE You don't even know how to use it. JEANNE'S MOTHER The important thing is to have one. It makes an impression. JEANNE You really kept everything of Papa's. She shows her mom a picture she has scrounged up from her FATHERS WALLET of a TOPLESS NEGRO FEMALE. JEANNE (CONT'D) Who's that? His orderly? JEANNE'S MOTHER A fine example of a Berber. JEANNE Oh. 64. JEANNE'S MOTHER A strong race. I tried to employ them as servants, but it was disastrous. 'm glad I decided to send everything to the country. All his things were piling up and piling up. JEANNE Don't worry. You'll soon have all the space you want. JEANNE'S MOTHER What does that mean? JEANNE Nothing. She takes off the HAT and JACKET and throws them on the sofa. She heads to the FRONT DOOR with MOM FOLLOWING, on pins and needles. JEANNE (CONT'D) Madame, the colonel's lady, I announce... Mom RUNS IN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What? JEANNE On this solemn day... She goes out the door... JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What solemn day? She RUNS AFTER her daughter. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne is on the ELEVATOR. She sticks her head out. JEANNE I'm getting married in a week! She shuts the door and HEADS DOWN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What did you say? 65. Mom follows her down STEP FOR STEP. JEANNE To Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER Pardon? JEANNE Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER What are you doing in a week? CUT TO: EXT. OUTDOOR SHOP BAZAAR - DAY Tom and his FILM CREW film Jeanne trying on wedding dresses. He COUNTS DOWN to the shot. TOM Five... two! He does the CLAPPER with his hands. Jeanne and her HOST OF DRESSERS is lost in her fittings. TOM (CONT'D) Move into shot! We're shooting! They move into the center of the shop. We get another look at Jeanne's LEFT BREAST as it slips out of the dress being fitted. Tom fires off QUESTIONS for film purposes. TOM (CONT'D) So,... how do you see marriage? JEANNE Marriage? TOM Yes. Jeanne gives her upbeat EXTISTENTIAL RESPONSES as her fitting continues. JEANNE I see it everywhere. All the time. 66. TOM What do you mean, everywhere? JEANNE On walls. On buildings. TOM Walls and buildings? JEANNE Yes, on advertising hoardings. TOM What are they selling? Cars. Tinned meat. Cigarettes. JEANNE No. They're all about young couples. Before marriage, no children. Then the same couple, married with children. In short, marriage. The perfect, ideal, successful marriage. It's no longer the preserve of the Church. The husband was burdened with responsibilities and the wife nagged. Now, weddings in advertising smile! TOM They smile. On posters. JEANNE On posters, of course. But why t take poster marriage seriously? Marriage... Pop marriage! Tom comes out from under a DRESS. TOM Pop? That's the formula. For pop youth, pop marriage! But... what if the pop marriage doesn't work? JEANNE Then you have to fix it like you would a car. The spouses are two workers in overalls bending over an engine to fix it. TOM And in case of adultery what happens to the pop marriage? 67. JEANNE In that case, there are three or four workers. TOM What about love? Is love pop? JEANNE No. That's not. Love isn't pop. TOM Love isn't pop. So what is it? JEANNE The workers retire to a secret flat, take off their overalls and become men and women again and make love. The fussing on the dress is finished. Jeanne slowly, PUTS ON HER GLOVES, relishing them. She STRUTS slowly for all to stare and LAVISH her in her dress. Tom is CAPTIVATED. TOM You're wonderful. JEANNE It's the dress that makes the bride. TOM You're better than Rita Hayworth. He wanders out into the street. It is RAINING HEAVILY. Better than Joan Crawford! Better than Kim Novak! Better than Lauren Bacall! Better than Ava Gardner when she was Mickey Rooney's lover! Hes FILM CREW scatters for cover. TOM (CONT'D) What are you doing? Stop! Stop, but keep filming! Why aren't you filming in the rain? CREW 1 You're crazy! 68. They huddle underneath the DOOR of the FILM TRUCK. Tom has lost Jeanne in all the HUBUB. He is disgusted with his CREW. TOM You're all fired! He goes back to the SHOP. TOM (CONT'D) Where's Jeanne? DRESSER 1 She must have run off. TOM When? ln the rain? He runs down the street in the rain looking for her. JEANNE Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LOBBY - DAY Paul comes POINDING in from the rain. He STOMPS the water off his shoes. He breaks into an IMPROMPTU SOFT SHOE. He opens the gate to the ELEVATOR and gets on. He pushes the button. The elevator STARTS UP. JEANNE'S VOICE Please forgive me! Paul stops the elevator. He SENDS IT BACK DOWN. We see Jeanne has been waiting on the ADJACENT STAIRS for Paul. She is still in her WEDDING DRESS. She implores Paul from outside the elevator. JEANNE (FRENCH) Forgive me! I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. (ENGLISH) I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. I can't. I can't leave you, do you understand? 69. She stands, PLEADING at the ELEVATOR. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you still want me? Paul does the EYEBROW TRILL. He opens the elevator so she can get on. ELEVATOR As it ascends, Jeanne slowly RAISES HER DRESS, revealing NO UNDERWEAR and her AMPLE BUSH to Paul. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - ENTRANCE - MOMENTS LATER The door flies open. Paul comes in CARRYING Jeanne in his arms. PAUL Voil ! He starts doing a JIG AND SONG... all the way to the MATTRESSES. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh, there once was a man And he had an old sow ow! Hi-diddle- dow... He puts her on the bed. She is GIGGLING. PAUL (CONT'D) You're wet. Paul pats her stomach and leaves the room. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Paul opens the curtains. Jeanne's SCREAMS come from the other room. He goes to investigate. PAUL (CONT'D) What the hell? BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne screams BLOODY MURDER and points to a DEAD RAT on the STILL UNMADE MATTRESS. 70. PAUL (CONT'D) A rat. Only a rat. He PICKS IT UP by the tail. She stumbles over herself to get away. PAUL (CONT'D) There are more rats in Paris than people. Yum, yum, yum. He holds it out, OFFERING IT to her. She freaks. She runs to the other side of the room. JEANNE I want to go! He brings it to her... she continues to BACK PEDDLE. PAUL Wait, wait! Don't you want a bite first? You don't want to run and eat. JEANNE This is the end! He points to the ASS of the RAT. PAUL No, this is the end... Then points to the HEAD. PAUL (CONT'D) ...but I like to start with the head. That's the best part. Are you sure you won't have any? OK. He DANGLES IT over his mouth, flitting his tounge, pretending to eat it. She is gonna HURL. PAUL (CONT'D) What's the matter? You don't dig rat? JEANNE I wanna go! I can't make love in this bed any more. I can't. It's disgusting! Nauseating! PAUL Well, we'll fuck on the radiator or standing on the mantel. 71. He holds up the RAT again. PAUL (CONT'D) Listen, I gotta get some mayonnaise for this. Because, it really is good with mayonnaise. He heads out, then stops and LOOKS BACK AT HER. PAUL (CONT'D) I'll save the asshole for you. He really leaves this time. PAUL'S VOICE Rat's asshole with mayonnaise! He LAUGHS at himself. Jeanne is a BASKET CASE. She sits on her HAUNCHES, muttering. JEANNE I want to get out of here. I want to go. I can't stand it here any more. Yes. I'm going. She gets up, gets her purse and goes to the door. We see her ASS through the SHEER FABRIC of her wedding dress. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm not coming back... ever. She gets to the... FRONT DOOR Paul is there, WAITING, NONCHALANT. PAUL Quo vadis, baby? JEANNE I forgot to tell you something. I fell in love with somebody. PAUL Oh, isn't that wonderful? You know, you're going to have to get out of these wet duds. He PATS HER ASS. JEANNE I'm going to make love with him! 72. She opens the door but he closes it. She STOMPS into the HALL. PAUL Well, first you have to take a hot bath. Cos if you don't... He walks toward her. PAUL (CONT'D) ...you're gonna get pneumonia, right? Huh? She STOMPS a few more steps toward the BATHROOM. PAUL (CONT'D) And then you know what happens? You get pneumonia, then you know what happens? You die. And then, you know what happens when you die? I get to fuck the dead rat! He THROWS HER OVER his shoulder and carries her KICKING AND SCREAMING into the... CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM Jeanne is in the BATHTUB. Paul sits on the BIDET behind her with a WASHCLOTH. PAUL Give me the soap. She does. JEANNE I'm in love. PAUL You're in love? He shoves her head UNDER THE WATER. PAUL (CONT'D) How delightful. She comes up ANGRY. JEANNE I'm in love! I'm in love, you understand? 73. He SMACKS her with the washcloth on the head. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm in love, I'm in love! He SHOVES HER under again. JEANNE (CONT'D) Oh! I'm in love! He HITS HER on the head with her own shoe. She just gets more ANGRY. JEANNE (CONT'D) You know, you're old! You're getting fat. PAUL Fat, is it? How unkind. JEANNE Half of your hair is out and the other half is almost white. He smacks her in the mouth with the wash cloth, she smiles. PAUL In ten years, you'll be playing soccer with your tits. He starts WASHING HER back. PAUL (CONT'D) What do you think of that? You know what I'm gonna be doing? JEANNE You will be on a... wheelchair! PAUL Well, maybe. But, you know... I'll be smirking and giggling all the way to eternity. JEANNE How poetic. But please, before you go, wash my feet. She holds up A FOOT. PAUL OK. oblesse oblige. 74. He sits on the edge of the TUB and grabs her foot. He takes a sniff... She pulls it away. JEANNE You know, he and I, we make love. He WASHES her foot. PAUL Oh, really? That's wonderful. Is he a good fucker? JEANNE Magnificent. He puts up the OTHER FOOT to was, he obliges again. PAUL You know, you're a jerk. Cos the best fucking you're gonna get is right here in this apartment. Stand up. She does. He washes her ASS. JEANNE He is full of mysteries. PAUL Give me the soap. Listen, you dumb dodo. All the mysteries that you're ever gonna know in life are right here. He washes her STOMACH. JEANNE He is like everybody but... at the same time he's different. PAUL You mean, like everybody. JEANNE Yeah, but... even he fright me. Even he frightens me. PAUL What is he, your local pimp? JEANNE He could be. He looks it. You know why I'm in love with him? 75. PAUL I can't wait. JEANNE Because he know. He know how to make me fall in love with him. She gets out. He COVERS her with a BIG RED TOWEL. PAUL You want this man you love to protect and take care of you. JEANNE Yeah. PAUL You want this golden, shining, powerful warrior to build a fortress where you can hide in. So you don't have to ever... have... You don't ever have to be afraid. You don't have to feel lonely or empty. That's what you want, isn't it? JEANNE Yes. PAUL Well, you'll never find it. JEANNE But I find this man. PAUL Then it won't be long until he'll want you to build a fortress for him out of your tits and out of your cunt and your hair and your smile and the way you smell. And... and some place where he can feel comfortable and secure enough so that he can worship in front of the altar of his own prick. JEANNE But I find this man! They lean against SEPERATE WALLS. 76. PAUL No, you're alone. You're all alone. You won't be free of that feeling of being alone until you look death right in the face. I mean, that sounds like bullshit, some romantic crap, until you go right up into the ass of death. Right up in his ass... till you find the womb of fear. And then,... maybe... Maybe then, you'll be able to find him. JEANNE But I find this man. He's you! You are that man! Paul doesn't like that comment. He needs to TEACH HER another LESSON. He bites a HANGNAIL. PAUL Get me the scissors. JEANNE What? PAUL Get me the fingernail scissors. She STOMPS past him to get them, hands them to him. PAUL (CONT'D) No. I want you to cut the fingernails on your right hand, these two. She DOES. JEANNE That's it. He stands FACING the wall and PULLS HIS pants down. PAUL I want you to put your fingers up my ass. JEANNE What? PAUL Put your fingers up my ass, are you deaf? Go on. I'm gonna get a pig... and I'm... I'm gonna have the pig fuck you. (MORE) 77. PAUL (CONT'D) I want the pig to vomit in your face and I want you to swallow the vomit. Are you gonna do that for me? JEANNE Yeah. PAUL Huh? JEANNE Yeah! PAUL I want the pig to die while... while you're fucking him. Then you'll have to go behind him. I want you to smell the dying farts of the pig. Are you gonna do all of that for me? JEANNE Yes, and more than that! And worse! And worse than before. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - TEMPORARY VIEWING ROOM - DAY ROSA'S WAKE. Rosa's mother has set up a room in the Hotel as a VIEWING ROOM for her daughter. She is, as promised, surrounded by TONS OF FLOWERS. Paul comes in and pulls up a chair next to ROSA. He turns on the LIGHT. PAUL You look ridiculous in that make- up. Like the caricature of a whore. A little touch of Mommy in the night. Fake Ophelia drowned in the bathtub. I wish you could see yourself. You'd really laugh. You're your mother's masterpiece. He pulls the chair closer to her. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh Christ! There are too many fucking flowers in this place. I can't breathe. You know on the top of the closet? (MORE) 78. PAUL (CONT'D) The cardboard box, I found all your... I found all your little goodies. Pens, keychains, foreign money, French ticklers, the whole shot. Even a clergyman's collar. I didn't know you collected all those little knick-knacks left behind. Even if the husband lives fucking years, he's never going to be able to discover his wife's real nature. I mean, I... I might be able to comprehend the universe, but... 'll never discover the truth bout you. Never. I mean, who the hell were you? Remember that day, the first day I was there? I knew that I couldn't get into your pants unless I said... What did I say? Oh, yeah. "May I have my bill, please? I have to leave." Remember? Last night... I ripped off the lights on your mother. And the whole joint went bananas. All your... guests... as you used to call them... Well, I guess that includes me, doesn't it? It does include me, doesn't it? For five years, I was more a guest in this fucking flophouse than a husband. With privileges, of course. And then, to help me understand you, you let me inherit Marcel. The husband's double, whose room was the double of ours. And you know what? I didn't even have the guts to ask him. Didn't have the guts to ask him if the same numbers you and I did were the same numbers you did with him. Our marriage was nothing more than a foxhole for you. And all it took for you to get out was a -cent razor and a tub full of water. You cheap, goddamn, fucking, godforsaken whore. I hope you rot in hell. You're worse than the dirtiest street pig anybody could find, and you know why? You know why? Because you lied. You lied to me and I trusted you. You lied. You knew you were lying! Go on, tell me you didn't lie. Haven't you got anything to say about that? You can think up something, can't you? (MORE) 79. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me something! Smile, you cunt! He STARTS to WEEP. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me... Tell me something sweet. Smile at me and say I just misunderstood. Go on, tell me. You pig-fucker! You goddamn, fucking, pig-fucking liar. Rosa, I'm sorry... I just can't... I can't stand it... to see these goddamn things on your face. You never wore make-up. This fucking shit. I'm gonna take this off your mouth. This lipstick... Rosa... Oh, God! He COLLAPSES on her, SOBBING. PAUL (CONT'D) I'm sorry. I don't know why you did it. I'd do it too, if I knew how. I just don't know how. I have to... I have to find a way. [OC] We hear a voice. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Is anyone there? PAUL What? PROSTITUTE'S VOICE There was a noise in there! PAUL All right, I'm... I'm coming. (back to ROSA) I have to go. I have to go, sweetheart, baby. Somebody's calling me. He starts to the door. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Well? Is anyone there? PAUL Yeah. I'm coming. CUT TO: 80. INT. HOTEL - ENTRANCE - DAY Outside the FRONT DOOR, the source of the voice, a WORN OUT and OLD PROSTITUTE. She is with her JOHN. PROSTITUTE (TO JOHN) Here he is. (TO PAUL) Hurry up! Wake up! Open up! Open up! PAUL It's four in the morning. PROSTITUTE I need room four for a while. (TO JOHN) Half an hour? (TO PAUL) Yes, that'll do. Yes, half an hour. PAUL We're full. She knocks on the door, INCESANTLY. PROSTITUTE That's not true. When you're full, you put a sign outside. I know the hotel. I'm sick of arguing out on the street. Call the owner. What are you waiting for? The owner has never made a fuss. Rosa and I are old friends. Open up. Paul opens up. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Don't make any trouble or I'll tell your boss. (TO JOHN) Come in, it's all sorted... But the man has LEFT. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) You've won. He's taken off. PAUL I'm very sorry. PROSTITUTE Hurry up! He can't be far away. 81. She PUSHES him out to the street. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Make him come back. Tell him he can't just walk off. She SHOVES HIM out the door and DOWN THE STREET. Paul CHASES the man on foot for BLOCKS and BLOCKS. He finally CATCHES UP to him in a --- CUT TO: EXT. PARIS STREET - ALLEY - MORNING The JOHN figures he has gotten away. He reverses his TRENCH COAT to the appropriate side. Paul comes around the corner. The John doesn't see any HOSTILITY coming. But it DOES. JOHN Oh,... please don't tell her you found me. I don't fancy it any more. Did you see her face? Once, my wife satisfied me. But now she's got a skin disease. It's like snakeskin. Put yourself in my place. Paul grabs him by the tie and drags him. PAUL Come. Come with me. The man FIGHTS BACK. JOHN But... Let go of me! Paul doesn't like that. He ROUGHS HIM UP, throwing him from WALL TO WALL. JOHN (CONT'D) You're crazy! Let go of me! Let go! He ends up on the ground MINUS HIS COAT. Paul KICKS HIM IN THE ASS like a dog. PAUL Get the fuck out of here! 82. The man RUNS OFF. PAUL (CONT'D) Faggot! Paul heads back up the ALLEY as the man CONTINUES OFF in the f.g. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - PAUL AND ROSA'S ROOM - DAY Paul lays down on his TWIN BED with his ROBE on over his clothes. We see that his BAGS ARE PACKED. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - BEDROOM - DAY We see that the mattress is gone. Only a pile of sheets and pillows remain in the room. Jeanne is on the floor, on her knees, doubled over in SICK GRIEF. PAUL HAS MOVED OUT. JEANNE No! She WANDERS through the apt., GRIEF STRICKEN, from room to room. We see only a FEW BELONGINGS left around. Shoes, the CAT (where was it for the "rat problem"?) and phone. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne RIPS THE SHEET OFF the piece of furniture that has been COVERED UP all along. We all wondered what was underneath that was so precious. It's nothing special. She COLLAPSES in grief again, the furniture falling on her, she KICKS IT OFF. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - FRONT DESK - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne talks to the CRAZY Concierge from BEFORE. Her head STUCK through the LITTLE WINDOW while the crazy woman PUFFS a cig. 83. JEANNE Try and remember! The man from the fourth floor. He moved in a few days ago. CONCIERGE I told you, I don't know anyone. They come and go. The man on the fourth, the woman on the first. What do I know? She gives a CRAZY CACKLE. JEANNE Where did they take the furniture too? It's empty. Where do you send his mail? Give me his address. CONCIERGE I don't have it. I don't know these people. JEANNE Not even his name? CONCIERGE Nothing! Jeanne STORMS OUT. CONCIERGE (CONT'D) Ma'zelle! CUT TO: INT. PAYPHONE BOOTH - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne is on the payphone in the bar from before. She speaks to Tom. Still DESPONDENT, tears stream down her face. JEANNE I've found a flat for us. 1 rue Jules Verne. Yes. In Passy. Come quickly! You'll come now? Do you know where it is? I'll wait for you. Come over. She struggles to HANG UP THE PHONE through her grief. She BREAKS DOWN, closing the door for privacy. 84. We can SEE HER through the door as she leans on it. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - DAY The front DOORBELL RINGS. JEANNE Come in, it's open. Tom comes in. Jeanne stares out the window. She is BATHED in sunlight. Tom LOOKS AROUND in b.g. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you like our flat? It's very light. There's a tiny room, too. It's too small for a double bed. It would be fine for a child. Fidel. That's a nice name for a boy. Fidel, as in Castro. TOM But I'd like a girl, too. Rosa. As in Rosa Luxemburg. Less famous, but I like it. You know, I wanted to film you every day. In the morning, when you wake up, in the evening, when you sleep. When you first smile, and I didn't film any of that. Here. He hands her FLOWERS. She REGARDS them. He circles to her front. TOM (CONT'D) Today is the last day of shooting. The film is finished. I don't like things that finish, things that end. You have to start something else right away. They EMBRACE and KISS. THAT ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Tom looks around the place. 85. TOM (CONT'D) This flat is huge! Jeanne has made her way to the DINING ROOM. TOM (CONT'D) Where are you? JEANNE I'm here! They continue shouting across the apt. TOM It's too big! We'll get lost! JEANNE Stop it! Don't start! TOM How did you find this flat? JEANNE By chance. TOM We'll change everything! Jeanne holds her ARMS OUT like a bird. JEANNE Everything! We'll change chance to destiny. TOM Go on, Jeanne. Take off! MUSIC RISES as Jeanne pretends to FLY AROUND the apt. from ROOM TO ROOM making AIRPLANE NOISES as Tom DIRECTS HER. TOM (CONT'D) Fly away, you're in heaven! You're soaring, you're in heaven! Come down, take a nose dive, come down! Make three turns, come down. Jeanne, what's happening? There's an air pocket. Tom gets SUDDENLY SERIOUS. JEANNE What's happening? 86. TOM The patches of turbulence are over. We can't play like children any more, Jeanne. This stops Jeanne in her TRACKS. They face each other. TOM (CONT'D) We're adults. JEANNE Adults? That's awful! TOM Yes. It's awful. JEANNE What do adults do? TOM I don't know. We'll have to invent the gestures and the words. For example, adults... He walks slowly toward her. They EMBRACE PASSIONATELY. They kiss. He breaks away again, SERIOUS. TOM (CONT'D) But there's one thing I do know. Adults are calm... He walks backward as Jeanne STALKS HIM. TOM (CONT'D) ...serious, logical, measured, level-headed... JEANNE Yes... TOM And... they face up to problems... JEANNE ...Yes, yes. Yes, yes. He STOPS ABRUPTLY. 87. TOM You see, Jeanne, this flat won't work for us. This flat, it won't work for us, Jeanne. JEANNE Where are you going? TOM To look for a flat. He walks out to a SHOCKED Jeanne. JEANNE What kind of flat? But he COMES BACK. TOM A flat we can live in. JEANNE We can live here. TOM It's squalid. It smells. It makes me sick.

workers

How many times the word 'workers' appears in the text?

COMES... PAUL You... You... You... You f... You... fucking... fucking... family. You fucking... family! Oh, God... Jesus. Oh, you... Oh... 58. He COLLAPSES on her, SPENT as she continues to WEEP. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - THAT MOMENT A TRAIN ROARS by on the TRAIN BRIDGE. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM Paul is SLEEPING on the floor amidst the BREAD AND BUTTER. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - MOMENTS LATER Another couple of TRAINS go by. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - LATER Paul SLEEPS more. On his STOMACH now, with his foot on a piece of FURNITURE. Jeanne puts a record on the RECORD PLAYER she brought with her. She goes to plug it into the FLOOR PLUG but gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. JEANNE Shit! She looks at him sleeping. JEANNE (CONT'D) Hey, you! He looks at her UPSIDE DOWN. JEANNE (CONT'D) Yes, you! PAUL Huh? JEANNE I've got a surprise for you. 59. PAUL What? He looks at himself in a SMALL MIRROR. JEANNE I've got a surprise for you! PAUL That's good. I like surprises. He FLIPS HIMSELF over backwards onto his feet. He walks over to her and the RECORD PLAYER. He stares down at her. PAUL (CONT'D) What is it? JEANNE Music. But I don't know how to work it. He sits on the FLOOR next to her. He plugs in the RECORD PLAYER. He JUMPS as he gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. Jeanne is secretly amused. PAUL Do you enjoy that? He gets the RECORD PLAYING. It's some 70's HIPPY MUSIC. Jeanne sways to it while Paul reads the JACKET COVER. CUT TO: EXT. PASSY VIADUCT PARK - DAY HIPPIE MUSIC CONTINUES Tom and Jeanne sit, ROMANTICALLY ENTWINED on a SEA WALL while his FILM CREW films in the b.g. They sit FACE TO FACE, he holds her shoulders and stares into her eyes. TOM Do you know why I sent the others away? JEANNE Because you're angry, or you want to be alone with me? 60. TOM And why do I want to be alone with you? JEANNE You have something really serious to tell me. He plays with her hair. TOM I have something really very serious to tell you. JEANNE Is it happy or sad? TOM It's a secret. JEANNE So it's happy. What sort of secret? TOM A secret... As his FILM CREW dolly around them in the b.g., his SOUND PERSON yells at them. SOUND PERSON Speak up! I can't hear anything. TOM ...between a man and a woman. JEANNE Is it dirty or is it about love? TOM About love. But that's not all. JEANNE A secret about love, but which isn't love. What is it?! He puts a LIFE PRESERVER over her. TOM Voila. That in a week I'm marrying you. JEANNE What? 61. TOM I'm marrying you. JEANNE What?! TOM I'm marrying you! JEANNE You're marrying me? TOM Yes! JEANNE We're getting married? TOM Yes we're getting married. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE No! TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM No. Are we getting married or not? JEANNE I don't know. 62. TOM So, yes, then? JEANNE Yes! TOM No! JEANNE Yes! TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes or no? She take the life preserver off and THROWS IT IN THE WATER. Together, they WATCH IT SINK. CUT TO: EXT. JEANNE'S MOTHERS APT. - PORCH - DAY JEANNE'S MOTHER beats the dirt off her LATE HUSBANDS MILITARY JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'll send everything to the country. What do you think, Jeanne? INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne tries on another of her FATHERS MILITARY UNIFORMS complete with HAT. JEANNE Olympia will be happy. I went there yesterday with Tom. Her mother joins her inside. She carries the FATHERS BOOTS. JEANNE (CONT'D) She's preparing a family museum. 63. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'm not sending the boots. I'm keeping them with me. I get strange shivers when I touch them. Jeanne goes into an ADJOINING ROOM while her mom continues reflecting, IRONING the JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER (CONT'D) All these military things never age. She looks up just in time to see that Jeanne has found her fathers gun and is pointing it in her direction. JEANNE When I was little, it seemed really heavy when Papa taught me how to shoot. JEANNE'S MOTHER I'm keeping that here. In a respectable household, it's useful to have a weapon. JEANNE You don't even know how to use it. JEANNE'S MOTHER The important thing is to have one. It makes an impression. JEANNE You really kept everything of Papa's. She shows her mom a picture she has scrounged up from her FATHERS WALLET of a TOPLESS NEGRO FEMALE. JEANNE (CONT'D) Who's that? His orderly? JEANNE'S MOTHER A fine example of a Berber. JEANNE Oh. 64. JEANNE'S MOTHER A strong race. I tried to employ them as servants, but it was disastrous. 'm glad I decided to send everything to the country. All his things were piling up and piling up. JEANNE Don't worry. You'll soon have all the space you want. JEANNE'S MOTHER What does that mean? JEANNE Nothing. She takes off the HAT and JACKET and throws them on the sofa. She heads to the FRONT DOOR with MOM FOLLOWING, on pins and needles. JEANNE (CONT'D) Madame, the colonel's lady, I announce... Mom RUNS IN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What? JEANNE On this solemn day... She goes out the door... JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What solemn day? She RUNS AFTER her daughter. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne is on the ELEVATOR. She sticks her head out. JEANNE I'm getting married in a week! She shuts the door and HEADS DOWN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What did you say? 65. Mom follows her down STEP FOR STEP. JEANNE To Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER Pardon? JEANNE Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER What are you doing in a week? CUT TO: EXT. OUTDOOR SHOP BAZAAR - DAY Tom and his FILM CREW film Jeanne trying on wedding dresses. He COUNTS DOWN to the shot. TOM Five... two! He does the CLAPPER with his hands. Jeanne and her HOST OF DRESSERS is lost in her fittings. TOM (CONT'D) Move into shot! We're shooting! They move into the center of the shop. We get another look at Jeanne's LEFT BREAST as it slips out of the dress being fitted. Tom fires off QUESTIONS for film purposes. TOM (CONT'D) So,... how do you see marriage? JEANNE Marriage? TOM Yes. Jeanne gives her upbeat EXTISTENTIAL RESPONSES as her fitting continues. JEANNE I see it everywhere. All the time. 66. TOM What do you mean, everywhere? JEANNE On walls. On buildings. TOM Walls and buildings? JEANNE Yes, on advertising hoardings. TOM What are they selling? Cars. Tinned meat. Cigarettes. JEANNE No. They're all about young couples. Before marriage, no children. Then the same couple, married with children. In short, marriage. The perfect, ideal, successful marriage. It's no longer the preserve of the Church. The husband was burdened with responsibilities and the wife nagged. Now, weddings in advertising smile! TOM They smile. On posters. JEANNE On posters, of course. But why t take poster marriage seriously? Marriage... Pop marriage! Tom comes out from under a DRESS. TOM Pop? That's the formula. For pop youth, pop marriage! But... what if the pop marriage doesn't work? JEANNE Then you have to fix it like you would a car. The spouses are two workers in overalls bending over an engine to fix it. TOM And in case of adultery what happens to the pop marriage? 67. JEANNE In that case, there are three or four workers. TOM What about love? Is love pop? JEANNE No. That's not. Love isn't pop. TOM Love isn't pop. So what is it? JEANNE The workers retire to a secret flat, take off their overalls and become men and women again and make love. The fussing on the dress is finished. Jeanne slowly, PUTS ON HER GLOVES, relishing them. She STRUTS slowly for all to stare and LAVISH her in her dress. Tom is CAPTIVATED. TOM You're wonderful. JEANNE It's the dress that makes the bride. TOM You're better than Rita Hayworth. He wanders out into the street. It is RAINING HEAVILY. Better than Joan Crawford! Better than Kim Novak! Better than Lauren Bacall! Better than Ava Gardner when she was Mickey Rooney's lover! Hes FILM CREW scatters for cover. TOM (CONT'D) What are you doing? Stop! Stop, but keep filming! Why aren't you filming in the rain? CREW 1 You're crazy! 68. They huddle underneath the DOOR of the FILM TRUCK. Tom has lost Jeanne in all the HUBUB. He is disgusted with his CREW. TOM You're all fired! He goes back to the SHOP. TOM (CONT'D) Where's Jeanne? DRESSER 1 She must have run off. TOM When? ln the rain? He runs down the street in the rain looking for her. JEANNE Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LOBBY - DAY Paul comes POINDING in from the rain. He STOMPS the water off his shoes. He breaks into an IMPROMPTU SOFT SHOE. He opens the gate to the ELEVATOR and gets on. He pushes the button. The elevator STARTS UP. JEANNE'S VOICE Please forgive me! Paul stops the elevator. He SENDS IT BACK DOWN. We see Jeanne has been waiting on the ADJACENT STAIRS for Paul. She is still in her WEDDING DRESS. She implores Paul from outside the elevator. JEANNE (FRENCH) Forgive me! I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. (ENGLISH) I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. I can't. I can't leave you, do you understand? 69. She stands, PLEADING at the ELEVATOR. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you still want me? Paul does the EYEBROW TRILL. He opens the elevator so she can get on. ELEVATOR As it ascends, Jeanne slowly RAISES HER DRESS, revealing NO UNDERWEAR and her AMPLE BUSH to Paul. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - ENTRANCE - MOMENTS LATER The door flies open. Paul comes in CARRYING Jeanne in his arms. PAUL Voil ! He starts doing a JIG AND SONG... all the way to the MATTRESSES. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh, there once was a man And he had an old sow ow! Hi-diddle- dow... He puts her on the bed. She is GIGGLING. PAUL (CONT'D) You're wet. Paul pats her stomach and leaves the room. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Paul opens the curtains. Jeanne's SCREAMS come from the other room. He goes to investigate. PAUL (CONT'D) What the hell? BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne screams BLOODY MURDER and points to a DEAD RAT on the STILL UNMADE MATTRESS. 70. PAUL (CONT'D) A rat. Only a rat. He PICKS IT UP by the tail. She stumbles over herself to get away. PAUL (CONT'D) There are more rats in Paris than people. Yum, yum, yum. He holds it out, OFFERING IT to her. She freaks. She runs to the other side of the room. JEANNE I want to go! He brings it to her... she continues to BACK PEDDLE. PAUL Wait, wait! Don't you want a bite first? You don't want to run and eat. JEANNE This is the end! He points to the ASS of the RAT. PAUL No, this is the end... Then points to the HEAD. PAUL (CONT'D) ...but I like to start with the head. That's the best part. Are you sure you won't have any? OK. He DANGLES IT over his mouth, flitting his tounge, pretending to eat it. She is gonna HURL. PAUL (CONT'D) What's the matter? You don't dig rat? JEANNE I wanna go! I can't make love in this bed any more. I can't. It's disgusting! Nauseating! PAUL Well, we'll fuck on the radiator or standing on the mantel. 71. He holds up the RAT again. PAUL (CONT'D) Listen, I gotta get some mayonnaise for this. Because, it really is good with mayonnaise. He heads out, then stops and LOOKS BACK AT HER. PAUL (CONT'D) I'll save the asshole for you. He really leaves this time. PAUL'S VOICE Rat's asshole with mayonnaise! He LAUGHS at himself. Jeanne is a BASKET CASE. She sits on her HAUNCHES, muttering. JEANNE I want to get out of here. I want to go. I can't stand it here any more. Yes. I'm going. She gets up, gets her purse and goes to the door. We see her ASS through the SHEER FABRIC of her wedding dress. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm not coming back... ever. She gets to the... FRONT DOOR Paul is there, WAITING, NONCHALANT. PAUL Quo vadis, baby? JEANNE I forgot to tell you something. I fell in love with somebody. PAUL Oh, isn't that wonderful? You know, you're going to have to get out of these wet duds. He PATS HER ASS. JEANNE I'm going to make love with him! 72. She opens the door but he closes it. She STOMPS into the HALL. PAUL Well, first you have to take a hot bath. Cos if you don't... He walks toward her. PAUL (CONT'D) ...you're gonna get pneumonia, right? Huh? She STOMPS a few more steps toward the BATHROOM. PAUL (CONT'D) And then you know what happens? You get pneumonia, then you know what happens? You die. And then, you know what happens when you die? I get to fuck the dead rat! He THROWS HER OVER his shoulder and carries her KICKING AND SCREAMING into the... CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM Jeanne is in the BATHTUB. Paul sits on the BIDET behind her with a WASHCLOTH. PAUL Give me the soap. She does. JEANNE I'm in love. PAUL You're in love? He shoves her head UNDER THE WATER. PAUL (CONT'D) How delightful. She comes up ANGRY. JEANNE I'm in love! I'm in love, you understand? 73. He SMACKS her with the washcloth on the head. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm in love, I'm in love! He SHOVES HER under again. JEANNE (CONT'D) Oh! I'm in love! He HITS HER on the head with her own shoe. She just gets more ANGRY. JEANNE (CONT'D) You know, you're old! You're getting fat. PAUL Fat, is it? How unkind. JEANNE Half of your hair is out and the other half is almost white. He smacks her in the mouth with the wash cloth, she smiles. PAUL In ten years, you'll be playing soccer with your tits. He starts WASHING HER back. PAUL (CONT'D) What do you think of that? You know what I'm gonna be doing? JEANNE You will be on a... wheelchair! PAUL Well, maybe. But, you know... I'll be smirking and giggling all the way to eternity. JEANNE How poetic. But please, before you go, wash my feet. She holds up A FOOT. PAUL OK. oblesse oblige. 74. He sits on the edge of the TUB and grabs her foot. He takes a sniff... She pulls it away. JEANNE You know, he and I, we make love. He WASHES her foot. PAUL Oh, really? That's wonderful. Is he a good fucker? JEANNE Magnificent. He puts up the OTHER FOOT to was, he obliges again. PAUL You know, you're a jerk. Cos the best fucking you're gonna get is right here in this apartment. Stand up. She does. He washes her ASS. JEANNE He is full of mysteries. PAUL Give me the soap. Listen, you dumb dodo. All the mysteries that you're ever gonna know in life are right here. He washes her STOMACH. JEANNE He is like everybody but... at the same time he's different. PAUL You mean, like everybody. JEANNE Yeah, but... even he fright me. Even he frightens me. PAUL What is he, your local pimp? JEANNE He could be. He looks it. You know why I'm in love with him? 75. PAUL I can't wait. JEANNE Because he know. He know how to make me fall in love with him. She gets out. He COVERS her with a BIG RED TOWEL. PAUL You want this man you love to protect and take care of you. JEANNE Yeah. PAUL You want this golden, shining, powerful warrior to build a fortress where you can hide in. So you don't have to ever... have... You don't ever have to be afraid. You don't have to feel lonely or empty. That's what you want, isn't it? JEANNE Yes. PAUL Well, you'll never find it. JEANNE But I find this man. PAUL Then it won't be long until he'll want you to build a fortress for him out of your tits and out of your cunt and your hair and your smile and the way you smell. And... and some place where he can feel comfortable and secure enough so that he can worship in front of the altar of his own prick. JEANNE But I find this man! They lean against SEPERATE WALLS. 76. PAUL No, you're alone. You're all alone. You won't be free of that feeling of being alone until you look death right in the face. I mean, that sounds like bullshit, some romantic crap, until you go right up into the ass of death. Right up in his ass... till you find the womb of fear. And then,... maybe... Maybe then, you'll be able to find him. JEANNE But I find this man. He's you! You are that man! Paul doesn't like that comment. He needs to TEACH HER another LESSON. He bites a HANGNAIL. PAUL Get me the scissors. JEANNE What? PAUL Get me the fingernail scissors. She STOMPS past him to get them, hands them to him. PAUL (CONT'D) No. I want you to cut the fingernails on your right hand, these two. She DOES. JEANNE That's it. He stands FACING the wall and PULLS HIS pants down. PAUL I want you to put your fingers up my ass. JEANNE What? PAUL Put your fingers up my ass, are you deaf? Go on. I'm gonna get a pig... and I'm... I'm gonna have the pig fuck you. (MORE) 77. PAUL (CONT'D) I want the pig to vomit in your face and I want you to swallow the vomit. Are you gonna do that for me? JEANNE Yeah. PAUL Huh? JEANNE Yeah! PAUL I want the pig to die while... while you're fucking him. Then you'll have to go behind him. I want you to smell the dying farts of the pig. Are you gonna do all of that for me? JEANNE Yes, and more than that! And worse! And worse than before. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - TEMPORARY VIEWING ROOM - DAY ROSA'S WAKE. Rosa's mother has set up a room in the Hotel as a VIEWING ROOM for her daughter. She is, as promised, surrounded by TONS OF FLOWERS. Paul comes in and pulls up a chair next to ROSA. He turns on the LIGHT. PAUL You look ridiculous in that make- up. Like the caricature of a whore. A little touch of Mommy in the night. Fake Ophelia drowned in the bathtub. I wish you could see yourself. You'd really laugh. You're your mother's masterpiece. He pulls the chair closer to her. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh Christ! There are too many fucking flowers in this place. I can't breathe. You know on the top of the closet? (MORE) 78. PAUL (CONT'D) The cardboard box, I found all your... I found all your little goodies. Pens, keychains, foreign money, French ticklers, the whole shot. Even a clergyman's collar. I didn't know you collected all those little knick-knacks left behind. Even if the husband lives fucking years, he's never going to be able to discover his wife's real nature. I mean, I... I might be able to comprehend the universe, but... 'll never discover the truth bout you. Never. I mean, who the hell were you? Remember that day, the first day I was there? I knew that I couldn't get into your pants unless I said... What did I say? Oh, yeah. "May I have my bill, please? I have to leave." Remember? Last night... I ripped off the lights on your mother. And the whole joint went bananas. All your... guests... as you used to call them... Well, I guess that includes me, doesn't it? It does include me, doesn't it? For five years, I was more a guest in this fucking flophouse than a husband. With privileges, of course. And then, to help me understand you, you let me inherit Marcel. The husband's double, whose room was the double of ours. And you know what? I didn't even have the guts to ask him. Didn't have the guts to ask him if the same numbers you and I did were the same numbers you did with him. Our marriage was nothing more than a foxhole for you. And all it took for you to get out was a -cent razor and a tub full of water. You cheap, goddamn, fucking, godforsaken whore. I hope you rot in hell. You're worse than the dirtiest street pig anybody could find, and you know why? You know why? Because you lied. You lied to me and I trusted you. You lied. You knew you were lying! Go on, tell me you didn't lie. Haven't you got anything to say about that? You can think up something, can't you? (MORE) 79. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me something! Smile, you cunt! He STARTS to WEEP. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me... Tell me something sweet. Smile at me and say I just misunderstood. Go on, tell me. You pig-fucker! You goddamn, fucking, pig-fucking liar. Rosa, I'm sorry... I just can't... I can't stand it... to see these goddamn things on your face. You never wore make-up. This fucking shit. I'm gonna take this off your mouth. This lipstick... Rosa... Oh, God! He COLLAPSES on her, SOBBING. PAUL (CONT'D) I'm sorry. I don't know why you did it. I'd do it too, if I knew how. I just don't know how. I have to... I have to find a way. [OC] We hear a voice. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Is anyone there? PAUL What? PROSTITUTE'S VOICE There was a noise in there! PAUL All right, I'm... I'm coming. (back to ROSA) I have to go. I have to go, sweetheart, baby. Somebody's calling me. He starts to the door. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Well? Is anyone there? PAUL Yeah. I'm coming. CUT TO: 80. INT. HOTEL - ENTRANCE - DAY Outside the FRONT DOOR, the source of the voice, a WORN OUT and OLD PROSTITUTE. She is with her JOHN. PROSTITUTE (TO JOHN) Here he is. (TO PAUL) Hurry up! Wake up! Open up! Open up! PAUL It's four in the morning. PROSTITUTE I need room four for a while. (TO JOHN) Half an hour? (TO PAUL) Yes, that'll do. Yes, half an hour. PAUL We're full. She knocks on the door, INCESANTLY. PROSTITUTE That's not true. When you're full, you put a sign outside. I know the hotel. I'm sick of arguing out on the street. Call the owner. What are you waiting for? The owner has never made a fuss. Rosa and I are old friends. Open up. Paul opens up. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Don't make any trouble or I'll tell your boss. (TO JOHN) Come in, it's all sorted... But the man has LEFT. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) You've won. He's taken off. PAUL I'm very sorry. PROSTITUTE Hurry up! He can't be far away. 81. She PUSHES him out to the street. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Make him come back. Tell him he can't just walk off. She SHOVES HIM out the door and DOWN THE STREET. Paul CHASES the man on foot for BLOCKS and BLOCKS. He finally CATCHES UP to him in a --- CUT TO: EXT. PARIS STREET - ALLEY - MORNING The JOHN figures he has gotten away. He reverses his TRENCH COAT to the appropriate side. Paul comes around the corner. The John doesn't see any HOSTILITY coming. But it DOES. JOHN Oh,... please don't tell her you found me. I don't fancy it any more. Did you see her face? Once, my wife satisfied me. But now she's got a skin disease. It's like snakeskin. Put yourself in my place. Paul grabs him by the tie and drags him. PAUL Come. Come with me. The man FIGHTS BACK. JOHN But... Let go of me! Paul doesn't like that. He ROUGHS HIM UP, throwing him from WALL TO WALL. JOHN (CONT'D) You're crazy! Let go of me! Let go! He ends up on the ground MINUS HIS COAT. Paul KICKS HIM IN THE ASS like a dog. PAUL Get the fuck out of here! 82. The man RUNS OFF. PAUL (CONT'D) Faggot! Paul heads back up the ALLEY as the man CONTINUES OFF in the f.g. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - PAUL AND ROSA'S ROOM - DAY Paul lays down on his TWIN BED with his ROBE on over his clothes. We see that his BAGS ARE PACKED. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - BEDROOM - DAY We see that the mattress is gone. Only a pile of sheets and pillows remain in the room. Jeanne is on the floor, on her knees, doubled over in SICK GRIEF. PAUL HAS MOVED OUT. JEANNE No! She WANDERS through the apt., GRIEF STRICKEN, from room to room. We see only a FEW BELONGINGS left around. Shoes, the CAT (where was it for the "rat problem"?) and phone. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne RIPS THE SHEET OFF the piece of furniture that has been COVERED UP all along. We all wondered what was underneath that was so precious. It's nothing special. She COLLAPSES in grief again, the furniture falling on her, she KICKS IT OFF. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - FRONT DESK - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne talks to the CRAZY Concierge from BEFORE. Her head STUCK through the LITTLE WINDOW while the crazy woman PUFFS a cig. 83. JEANNE Try and remember! The man from the fourth floor. He moved in a few days ago. CONCIERGE I told you, I don't know anyone. They come and go. The man on the fourth, the woman on the first. What do I know? She gives a CRAZY CACKLE. JEANNE Where did they take the furniture too? It's empty. Where do you send his mail? Give me his address. CONCIERGE I don't have it. I don't know these people. JEANNE Not even his name? CONCIERGE Nothing! Jeanne STORMS OUT. CONCIERGE (CONT'D) Ma'zelle! CUT TO: INT. PAYPHONE BOOTH - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne is on the payphone in the bar from before. She speaks to Tom. Still DESPONDENT, tears stream down her face. JEANNE I've found a flat for us. 1 rue Jules Verne. Yes. In Passy. Come quickly! You'll come now? Do you know where it is? I'll wait for you. Come over. She struggles to HANG UP THE PHONE through her grief. She BREAKS DOWN, closing the door for privacy. 84. We can SEE HER through the door as she leans on it. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - DAY The front DOORBELL RINGS. JEANNE Come in, it's open. Tom comes in. Jeanne stares out the window. She is BATHED in sunlight. Tom LOOKS AROUND in b.g. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you like our flat? It's very light. There's a tiny room, too. It's too small for a double bed. It would be fine for a child. Fidel. That's a nice name for a boy. Fidel, as in Castro. TOM But I'd like a girl, too. Rosa. As in Rosa Luxemburg. Less famous, but I like it. You know, I wanted to film you every day. In the morning, when you wake up, in the evening, when you sleep. When you first smile, and I didn't film any of that. Here. He hands her FLOWERS. She REGARDS them. He circles to her front. TOM (CONT'D) Today is the last day of shooting. The film is finished. I don't like things that finish, things that end. You have to start something else right away. They EMBRACE and KISS. THAT ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Tom looks around the place. 85. TOM (CONT'D) This flat is huge! Jeanne has made her way to the DINING ROOM. TOM (CONT'D) Where are you? JEANNE I'm here! They continue shouting across the apt. TOM It's too big! We'll get lost! JEANNE Stop it! Don't start! TOM How did you find this flat? JEANNE By chance. TOM We'll change everything! Jeanne holds her ARMS OUT like a bird. JEANNE Everything! We'll change chance to destiny. TOM Go on, Jeanne. Take off! MUSIC RISES as Jeanne pretends to FLY AROUND the apt. from ROOM TO ROOM making AIRPLANE NOISES as Tom DIRECTS HER. TOM (CONT'D) Fly away, you're in heaven! You're soaring, you're in heaven! Come down, take a nose dive, come down! Make three turns, come down. Jeanne, what's happening? There's an air pocket. Tom gets SUDDENLY SERIOUS. JEANNE What's happening? 86. TOM The patches of turbulence are over. We can't play like children any more, Jeanne. This stops Jeanne in her TRACKS. They face each other. TOM (CONT'D) We're adults. JEANNE Adults? That's awful! TOM Yes. It's awful. JEANNE What do adults do? TOM I don't know. We'll have to invent the gestures and the words. For example, adults... He walks slowly toward her. They EMBRACE PASSIONATELY. They kiss. He breaks away again, SERIOUS. TOM (CONT'D) But there's one thing I do know. Adults are calm... He walks backward as Jeanne STALKS HIM. TOM (CONT'D) ...serious, logical, measured, level-headed... JEANNE Yes... TOM And... they face up to problems... JEANNE ...Yes, yes. Yes, yes. He STOPS ABRUPTLY. 87. TOM You see, Jeanne, this flat won't work for us. This flat, it won't work for us, Jeanne. JEANNE Where are you going? TOM To look for a flat. He walks out to a SHOCKED Jeanne. JEANNE What kind of flat? But he COMES BACK. TOM A flat we can live in. JEANNE We can live here. TOM It's squalid. It smells. It makes me sick.

continuous

How many times the word 'continuous' appears in the text?

COMES... PAUL You... You... You... You f... You... fucking... fucking... family. You fucking... family! Oh, God... Jesus. Oh, you... Oh... 58. He COLLAPSES on her, SPENT as she continues to WEEP. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - THAT MOMENT A TRAIN ROARS by on the TRAIN BRIDGE. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM Paul is SLEEPING on the floor amidst the BREAD AND BUTTER. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - MOMENTS LATER Another couple of TRAINS go by. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - LATER Paul SLEEPS more. On his STOMACH now, with his foot on a piece of FURNITURE. Jeanne puts a record on the RECORD PLAYER she brought with her. She goes to plug it into the FLOOR PLUG but gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. JEANNE Shit! She looks at him sleeping. JEANNE (CONT'D) Hey, you! He looks at her UPSIDE DOWN. JEANNE (CONT'D) Yes, you! PAUL Huh? JEANNE I've got a surprise for you. 59. PAUL What? He looks at himself in a SMALL MIRROR. JEANNE I've got a surprise for you! PAUL That's good. I like surprises. He FLIPS HIMSELF over backwards onto his feet. He walks over to her and the RECORD PLAYER. He stares down at her. PAUL (CONT'D) What is it? JEANNE Music. But I don't know how to work it. He sits on the FLOOR next to her. He plugs in the RECORD PLAYER. He JUMPS as he gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. Jeanne is secretly amused. PAUL Do you enjoy that? He gets the RECORD PLAYING. It's some 70's HIPPY MUSIC. Jeanne sways to it while Paul reads the JACKET COVER. CUT TO: EXT. PASSY VIADUCT PARK - DAY HIPPIE MUSIC CONTINUES Tom and Jeanne sit, ROMANTICALLY ENTWINED on a SEA WALL while his FILM CREW films in the b.g. They sit FACE TO FACE, he holds her shoulders and stares into her eyes. TOM Do you know why I sent the others away? JEANNE Because you're angry, or you want to be alone with me? 60. TOM And why do I want to be alone with you? JEANNE You have something really serious to tell me. He plays with her hair. TOM I have something really very serious to tell you. JEANNE Is it happy or sad? TOM It's a secret. JEANNE So it's happy. What sort of secret? TOM A secret... As his FILM CREW dolly around them in the b.g., his SOUND PERSON yells at them. SOUND PERSON Speak up! I can't hear anything. TOM ...between a man and a woman. JEANNE Is it dirty or is it about love? TOM About love. But that's not all. JEANNE A secret about love, but which isn't love. What is it?! He puts a LIFE PRESERVER over her. TOM Voila. That in a week I'm marrying you. JEANNE What? 61. TOM I'm marrying you. JEANNE What?! TOM I'm marrying you! JEANNE You're marrying me? TOM Yes! JEANNE We're getting married? TOM Yes we're getting married. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE No! TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM No. Are we getting married or not? JEANNE I don't know. 62. TOM So, yes, then? JEANNE Yes! TOM No! JEANNE Yes! TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes or no? She take the life preserver off and THROWS IT IN THE WATER. Together, they WATCH IT SINK. CUT TO: EXT. JEANNE'S MOTHERS APT. - PORCH - DAY JEANNE'S MOTHER beats the dirt off her LATE HUSBANDS MILITARY JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'll send everything to the country. What do you think, Jeanne? INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne tries on another of her FATHERS MILITARY UNIFORMS complete with HAT. JEANNE Olympia will be happy. I went there yesterday with Tom. Her mother joins her inside. She carries the FATHERS BOOTS. JEANNE (CONT'D) She's preparing a family museum. 63. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'm not sending the boots. I'm keeping them with me. I get strange shivers when I touch them. Jeanne goes into an ADJOINING ROOM while her mom continues reflecting, IRONING the JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER (CONT'D) All these military things never age. She looks up just in time to see that Jeanne has found her fathers gun and is pointing it in her direction. JEANNE When I was little, it seemed really heavy when Papa taught me how to shoot. JEANNE'S MOTHER I'm keeping that here. In a respectable household, it's useful to have a weapon. JEANNE You don't even know how to use it. JEANNE'S MOTHER The important thing is to have one. It makes an impression. JEANNE You really kept everything of Papa's. She shows her mom a picture she has scrounged up from her FATHERS WALLET of a TOPLESS NEGRO FEMALE. JEANNE (CONT'D) Who's that? His orderly? JEANNE'S MOTHER A fine example of a Berber. JEANNE Oh. 64. JEANNE'S MOTHER A strong race. I tried to employ them as servants, but it was disastrous. 'm glad I decided to send everything to the country. All his things were piling up and piling up. JEANNE Don't worry. You'll soon have all the space you want. JEANNE'S MOTHER What does that mean? JEANNE Nothing. She takes off the HAT and JACKET and throws them on the sofa. She heads to the FRONT DOOR with MOM FOLLOWING, on pins and needles. JEANNE (CONT'D) Madame, the colonel's lady, I announce... Mom RUNS IN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What? JEANNE On this solemn day... She goes out the door... JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What solemn day? She RUNS AFTER her daughter. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne is on the ELEVATOR. She sticks her head out. JEANNE I'm getting married in a week! She shuts the door and HEADS DOWN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What did you say? 65. Mom follows her down STEP FOR STEP. JEANNE To Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER Pardon? JEANNE Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER What are you doing in a week? CUT TO: EXT. OUTDOOR SHOP BAZAAR - DAY Tom and his FILM CREW film Jeanne trying on wedding dresses. He COUNTS DOWN to the shot. TOM Five... two! He does the CLAPPER with his hands. Jeanne and her HOST OF DRESSERS is lost in her fittings. TOM (CONT'D) Move into shot! We're shooting! They move into the center of the shop. We get another look at Jeanne's LEFT BREAST as it slips out of the dress being fitted. Tom fires off QUESTIONS for film purposes. TOM (CONT'D) So,... how do you see marriage? JEANNE Marriage? TOM Yes. Jeanne gives her upbeat EXTISTENTIAL RESPONSES as her fitting continues. JEANNE I see it everywhere. All the time. 66. TOM What do you mean, everywhere? JEANNE On walls. On buildings. TOM Walls and buildings? JEANNE Yes, on advertising hoardings. TOM What are they selling? Cars. Tinned meat. Cigarettes. JEANNE No. They're all about young couples. Before marriage, no children. Then the same couple, married with children. In short, marriage. The perfect, ideal, successful marriage. It's no longer the preserve of the Church. The husband was burdened with responsibilities and the wife nagged. Now, weddings in advertising smile! TOM They smile. On posters. JEANNE On posters, of course. But why t take poster marriage seriously? Marriage... Pop marriage! Tom comes out from under a DRESS. TOM Pop? That's the formula. For pop youth, pop marriage! But... what if the pop marriage doesn't work? JEANNE Then you have to fix it like you would a car. The spouses are two workers in overalls bending over an engine to fix it. TOM And in case of adultery what happens to the pop marriage? 67. JEANNE In that case, there are three or four workers. TOM What about love? Is love pop? JEANNE No. That's not. Love isn't pop. TOM Love isn't pop. So what is it? JEANNE The workers retire to a secret flat, take off their overalls and become men and women again and make love. The fussing on the dress is finished. Jeanne slowly, PUTS ON HER GLOVES, relishing them. She STRUTS slowly for all to stare and LAVISH her in her dress. Tom is CAPTIVATED. TOM You're wonderful. JEANNE It's the dress that makes the bride. TOM You're better than Rita Hayworth. He wanders out into the street. It is RAINING HEAVILY. Better than Joan Crawford! Better than Kim Novak! Better than Lauren Bacall! Better than Ava Gardner when she was Mickey Rooney's lover! Hes FILM CREW scatters for cover. TOM (CONT'D) What are you doing? Stop! Stop, but keep filming! Why aren't you filming in the rain? CREW 1 You're crazy! 68. They huddle underneath the DOOR of the FILM TRUCK. Tom has lost Jeanne in all the HUBUB. He is disgusted with his CREW. TOM You're all fired! He goes back to the SHOP. TOM (CONT'D) Where's Jeanne? DRESSER 1 She must have run off. TOM When? ln the rain? He runs down the street in the rain looking for her. JEANNE Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LOBBY - DAY Paul comes POINDING in from the rain. He STOMPS the water off his shoes. He breaks into an IMPROMPTU SOFT SHOE. He opens the gate to the ELEVATOR and gets on. He pushes the button. The elevator STARTS UP. JEANNE'S VOICE Please forgive me! Paul stops the elevator. He SENDS IT BACK DOWN. We see Jeanne has been waiting on the ADJACENT STAIRS for Paul. She is still in her WEDDING DRESS. She implores Paul from outside the elevator. JEANNE (FRENCH) Forgive me! I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. (ENGLISH) I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. I can't. I can't leave you, do you understand? 69. She stands, PLEADING at the ELEVATOR. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you still want me? Paul does the EYEBROW TRILL. He opens the elevator so she can get on. ELEVATOR As it ascends, Jeanne slowly RAISES HER DRESS, revealing NO UNDERWEAR and her AMPLE BUSH to Paul. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - ENTRANCE - MOMENTS LATER The door flies open. Paul comes in CARRYING Jeanne in his arms. PAUL Voil ! He starts doing a JIG AND SONG... all the way to the MATTRESSES. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh, there once was a man And he had an old sow ow! Hi-diddle- dow... He puts her on the bed. She is GIGGLING. PAUL (CONT'D) You're wet. Paul pats her stomach and leaves the room. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Paul opens the curtains. Jeanne's SCREAMS come from the other room. He goes to investigate. PAUL (CONT'D) What the hell? BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne screams BLOODY MURDER and points to a DEAD RAT on the STILL UNMADE MATTRESS. 70. PAUL (CONT'D) A rat. Only a rat. He PICKS IT UP by the tail. She stumbles over herself to get away. PAUL (CONT'D) There are more rats in Paris than people. Yum, yum, yum. He holds it out, OFFERING IT to her. She freaks. She runs to the other side of the room. JEANNE I want to go! He brings it to her... she continues to BACK PEDDLE. PAUL Wait, wait! Don't you want a bite first? You don't want to run and eat. JEANNE This is the end! He points to the ASS of the RAT. PAUL No, this is the end... Then points to the HEAD. PAUL (CONT'D) ...but I like to start with the head. That's the best part. Are you sure you won't have any? OK. He DANGLES IT over his mouth, flitting his tounge, pretending to eat it. She is gonna HURL. PAUL (CONT'D) What's the matter? You don't dig rat? JEANNE I wanna go! I can't make love in this bed any more. I can't. It's disgusting! Nauseating! PAUL Well, we'll fuck on the radiator or standing on the mantel. 71. He holds up the RAT again. PAUL (CONT'D) Listen, I gotta get some mayonnaise for this. Because, it really is good with mayonnaise. He heads out, then stops and LOOKS BACK AT HER. PAUL (CONT'D) I'll save the asshole for you. He really leaves this time. PAUL'S VOICE Rat's asshole with mayonnaise! He LAUGHS at himself. Jeanne is a BASKET CASE. She sits on her HAUNCHES, muttering. JEANNE I want to get out of here. I want to go. I can't stand it here any more. Yes. I'm going. She gets up, gets her purse and goes to the door. We see her ASS through the SHEER FABRIC of her wedding dress. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm not coming back... ever. She gets to the... FRONT DOOR Paul is there, WAITING, NONCHALANT. PAUL Quo vadis, baby? JEANNE I forgot to tell you something. I fell in love with somebody. PAUL Oh, isn't that wonderful? You know, you're going to have to get out of these wet duds. He PATS HER ASS. JEANNE I'm going to make love with him! 72. She opens the door but he closes it. She STOMPS into the HALL. PAUL Well, first you have to take a hot bath. Cos if you don't... He walks toward her. PAUL (CONT'D) ...you're gonna get pneumonia, right? Huh? She STOMPS a few more steps toward the BATHROOM. PAUL (CONT'D) And then you know what happens? You get pneumonia, then you know what happens? You die. And then, you know what happens when you die? I get to fuck the dead rat! He THROWS HER OVER his shoulder and carries her KICKING AND SCREAMING into the... CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM Jeanne is in the BATHTUB. Paul sits on the BIDET behind her with a WASHCLOTH. PAUL Give me the soap. She does. JEANNE I'm in love. PAUL You're in love? He shoves her head UNDER THE WATER. PAUL (CONT'D) How delightful. She comes up ANGRY. JEANNE I'm in love! I'm in love, you understand? 73. He SMACKS her with the washcloth on the head. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm in love, I'm in love! He SHOVES HER under again. JEANNE (CONT'D) Oh! I'm in love! He HITS HER on the head with her own shoe. She just gets more ANGRY. JEANNE (CONT'D) You know, you're old! You're getting fat. PAUL Fat, is it? How unkind. JEANNE Half of your hair is out and the other half is almost white. He smacks her in the mouth with the wash cloth, she smiles. PAUL In ten years, you'll be playing soccer with your tits. He starts WASHING HER back. PAUL (CONT'D) What do you think of that? You know what I'm gonna be doing? JEANNE You will be on a... wheelchair! PAUL Well, maybe. But, you know... I'll be smirking and giggling all the way to eternity. JEANNE How poetic. But please, before you go, wash my feet. She holds up A FOOT. PAUL OK. oblesse oblige. 74. He sits on the edge of the TUB and grabs her foot. He takes a sniff... She pulls it away. JEANNE You know, he and I, we make love. He WASHES her foot. PAUL Oh, really? That's wonderful. Is he a good fucker? JEANNE Magnificent. He puts up the OTHER FOOT to was, he obliges again. PAUL You know, you're a jerk. Cos the best fucking you're gonna get is right here in this apartment. Stand up. She does. He washes her ASS. JEANNE He is full of mysteries. PAUL Give me the soap. Listen, you dumb dodo. All the mysteries that you're ever gonna know in life are right here. He washes her STOMACH. JEANNE He is like everybody but... at the same time he's different. PAUL You mean, like everybody. JEANNE Yeah, but... even he fright me. Even he frightens me. PAUL What is he, your local pimp? JEANNE He could be. He looks it. You know why I'm in love with him? 75. PAUL I can't wait. JEANNE Because he know. He know how to make me fall in love with him. She gets out. He COVERS her with a BIG RED TOWEL. PAUL You want this man you love to protect and take care of you. JEANNE Yeah. PAUL You want this golden, shining, powerful warrior to build a fortress where you can hide in. So you don't have to ever... have... You don't ever have to be afraid. You don't have to feel lonely or empty. That's what you want, isn't it? JEANNE Yes. PAUL Well, you'll never find it. JEANNE But I find this man. PAUL Then it won't be long until he'll want you to build a fortress for him out of your tits and out of your cunt and your hair and your smile and the way you smell. And... and some place where he can feel comfortable and secure enough so that he can worship in front of the altar of his own prick. JEANNE But I find this man! They lean against SEPERATE WALLS. 76. PAUL No, you're alone. You're all alone. You won't be free of that feeling of being alone until you look death right in the face. I mean, that sounds like bullshit, some romantic crap, until you go right up into the ass of death. Right up in his ass... till you find the womb of fear. And then,... maybe... Maybe then, you'll be able to find him. JEANNE But I find this man. He's you! You are that man! Paul doesn't like that comment. He needs to TEACH HER another LESSON. He bites a HANGNAIL. PAUL Get me the scissors. JEANNE What? PAUL Get me the fingernail scissors. She STOMPS past him to get them, hands them to him. PAUL (CONT'D) No. I want you to cut the fingernails on your right hand, these two. She DOES. JEANNE That's it. He stands FACING the wall and PULLS HIS pants down. PAUL I want you to put your fingers up my ass. JEANNE What? PAUL Put your fingers up my ass, are you deaf? Go on. I'm gonna get a pig... and I'm... I'm gonna have the pig fuck you. (MORE) 77. PAUL (CONT'D) I want the pig to vomit in your face and I want you to swallow the vomit. Are you gonna do that for me? JEANNE Yeah. PAUL Huh? JEANNE Yeah! PAUL I want the pig to die while... while you're fucking him. Then you'll have to go behind him. I want you to smell the dying farts of the pig. Are you gonna do all of that for me? JEANNE Yes, and more than that! And worse! And worse than before. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - TEMPORARY VIEWING ROOM - DAY ROSA'S WAKE. Rosa's mother has set up a room in the Hotel as a VIEWING ROOM for her daughter. She is, as promised, surrounded by TONS OF FLOWERS. Paul comes in and pulls up a chair next to ROSA. He turns on the LIGHT. PAUL You look ridiculous in that make- up. Like the caricature of a whore. A little touch of Mommy in the night. Fake Ophelia drowned in the bathtub. I wish you could see yourself. You'd really laugh. You're your mother's masterpiece. He pulls the chair closer to her. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh Christ! There are too many fucking flowers in this place. I can't breathe. You know on the top of the closet? (MORE) 78. PAUL (CONT'D) The cardboard box, I found all your... I found all your little goodies. Pens, keychains, foreign money, French ticklers, the whole shot. Even a clergyman's collar. I didn't know you collected all those little knick-knacks left behind. Even if the husband lives fucking years, he's never going to be able to discover his wife's real nature. I mean, I... I might be able to comprehend the universe, but... 'll never discover the truth bout you. Never. I mean, who the hell were you? Remember that day, the first day I was there? I knew that I couldn't get into your pants unless I said... What did I say? Oh, yeah. "May I have my bill, please? I have to leave." Remember? Last night... I ripped off the lights on your mother. And the whole joint went bananas. All your... guests... as you used to call them... Well, I guess that includes me, doesn't it? It does include me, doesn't it? For five years, I was more a guest in this fucking flophouse than a husband. With privileges, of course. And then, to help me understand you, you let me inherit Marcel. The husband's double, whose room was the double of ours. And you know what? I didn't even have the guts to ask him. Didn't have the guts to ask him if the same numbers you and I did were the same numbers you did with him. Our marriage was nothing more than a foxhole for you. And all it took for you to get out was a -cent razor and a tub full of water. You cheap, goddamn, fucking, godforsaken whore. I hope you rot in hell. You're worse than the dirtiest street pig anybody could find, and you know why? You know why? Because you lied. You lied to me and I trusted you. You lied. You knew you were lying! Go on, tell me you didn't lie. Haven't you got anything to say about that? You can think up something, can't you? (MORE) 79. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me something! Smile, you cunt! He STARTS to WEEP. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me... Tell me something sweet. Smile at me and say I just misunderstood. Go on, tell me. You pig-fucker! You goddamn, fucking, pig-fucking liar. Rosa, I'm sorry... I just can't... I can't stand it... to see these goddamn things on your face. You never wore make-up. This fucking shit. I'm gonna take this off your mouth. This lipstick... Rosa... Oh, God! He COLLAPSES on her, SOBBING. PAUL (CONT'D) I'm sorry. I don't know why you did it. I'd do it too, if I knew how. I just don't know how. I have to... I have to find a way. [OC] We hear a voice. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Is anyone there? PAUL What? PROSTITUTE'S VOICE There was a noise in there! PAUL All right, I'm... I'm coming. (back to ROSA) I have to go. I have to go, sweetheart, baby. Somebody's calling me. He starts to the door. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Well? Is anyone there? PAUL Yeah. I'm coming. CUT TO: 80. INT. HOTEL - ENTRANCE - DAY Outside the FRONT DOOR, the source of the voice, a WORN OUT and OLD PROSTITUTE. She is with her JOHN. PROSTITUTE (TO JOHN) Here he is. (TO PAUL) Hurry up! Wake up! Open up! Open up! PAUL It's four in the morning. PROSTITUTE I need room four for a while. (TO JOHN) Half an hour? (TO PAUL) Yes, that'll do. Yes, half an hour. PAUL We're full. She knocks on the door, INCESANTLY. PROSTITUTE That's not true. When you're full, you put a sign outside. I know the hotel. I'm sick of arguing out on the street. Call the owner. What are you waiting for? The owner has never made a fuss. Rosa and I are old friends. Open up. Paul opens up. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Don't make any trouble or I'll tell your boss. (TO JOHN) Come in, it's all sorted... But the man has LEFT. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) You've won. He's taken off. PAUL I'm very sorry. PROSTITUTE Hurry up! He can't be far away. 81. She PUSHES him out to the street. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Make him come back. Tell him he can't just walk off. She SHOVES HIM out the door and DOWN THE STREET. Paul CHASES the man on foot for BLOCKS and BLOCKS. He finally CATCHES UP to him in a --- CUT TO: EXT. PARIS STREET - ALLEY - MORNING The JOHN figures he has gotten away. He reverses his TRENCH COAT to the appropriate side. Paul comes around the corner. The John doesn't see any HOSTILITY coming. But it DOES. JOHN Oh,... please don't tell her you found me. I don't fancy it any more. Did you see her face? Once, my wife satisfied me. But now she's got a skin disease. It's like snakeskin. Put yourself in my place. Paul grabs him by the tie and drags him. PAUL Come. Come with me. The man FIGHTS BACK. JOHN But... Let go of me! Paul doesn't like that. He ROUGHS HIM UP, throwing him from WALL TO WALL. JOHN (CONT'D) You're crazy! Let go of me! Let go! He ends up on the ground MINUS HIS COAT. Paul KICKS HIM IN THE ASS like a dog. PAUL Get the fuck out of here! 82. The man RUNS OFF. PAUL (CONT'D) Faggot! Paul heads back up the ALLEY as the man CONTINUES OFF in the f.g. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - PAUL AND ROSA'S ROOM - DAY Paul lays down on his TWIN BED with his ROBE on over his clothes. We see that his BAGS ARE PACKED. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - BEDROOM - DAY We see that the mattress is gone. Only a pile of sheets and pillows remain in the room. Jeanne is on the floor, on her knees, doubled over in SICK GRIEF. PAUL HAS MOVED OUT. JEANNE No! She WANDERS through the apt., GRIEF STRICKEN, from room to room. We see only a FEW BELONGINGS left around. Shoes, the CAT (where was it for the "rat problem"?) and phone. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne RIPS THE SHEET OFF the piece of furniture that has been COVERED UP all along. We all wondered what was underneath that was so precious. It's nothing special. She COLLAPSES in grief again, the furniture falling on her, she KICKS IT OFF. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - FRONT DESK - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne talks to the CRAZY Concierge from BEFORE. Her head STUCK through the LITTLE WINDOW while the crazy woman PUFFS a cig. 83. JEANNE Try and remember! The man from the fourth floor. He moved in a few days ago. CONCIERGE I told you, I don't know anyone. They come and go. The man on the fourth, the woman on the first. What do I know? She gives a CRAZY CACKLE. JEANNE Where did they take the furniture too? It's empty. Where do you send his mail? Give me his address. CONCIERGE I don't have it. I don't know these people. JEANNE Not even his name? CONCIERGE Nothing! Jeanne STORMS OUT. CONCIERGE (CONT'D) Ma'zelle! CUT TO: INT. PAYPHONE BOOTH - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne is on the payphone in the bar from before. She speaks to Tom. Still DESPONDENT, tears stream down her face. JEANNE I've found a flat for us. 1 rue Jules Verne. Yes. In Passy. Come quickly! You'll come now? Do you know where it is? I'll wait for you. Come over. She struggles to HANG UP THE PHONE through her grief. She BREAKS DOWN, closing the door for privacy. 84. We can SEE HER through the door as she leans on it. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - DAY The front DOORBELL RINGS. JEANNE Come in, it's open. Tom comes in. Jeanne stares out the window. She is BATHED in sunlight. Tom LOOKS AROUND in b.g. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you like our flat? It's very light. There's a tiny room, too. It's too small for a double bed. It would be fine for a child. Fidel. That's a nice name for a boy. Fidel, as in Castro. TOM But I'd like a girl, too. Rosa. As in Rosa Luxemburg. Less famous, but I like it. You know, I wanted to film you every day. In the morning, when you wake up, in the evening, when you sleep. When you first smile, and I didn't film any of that. Here. He hands her FLOWERS. She REGARDS them. He circles to her front. TOM (CONT'D) Today is the last day of shooting. The film is finished. I don't like things that finish, things that end. You have to start something else right away. They EMBRACE and KISS. THAT ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Tom looks around the place. 85. TOM (CONT'D) This flat is huge! Jeanne has made her way to the DINING ROOM. TOM (CONT'D) Where are you? JEANNE I'm here! They continue shouting across the apt. TOM It's too big! We'll get lost! JEANNE Stop it! Don't start! TOM How did you find this flat? JEANNE By chance. TOM We'll change everything! Jeanne holds her ARMS OUT like a bird. JEANNE Everything! We'll change chance to destiny. TOM Go on, Jeanne. Take off! MUSIC RISES as Jeanne pretends to FLY AROUND the apt. from ROOM TO ROOM making AIRPLANE NOISES as Tom DIRECTS HER. TOM (CONT'D) Fly away, you're in heaven! You're soaring, you're in heaven! Come down, take a nose dive, come down! Make three turns, come down. Jeanne, what's happening? There's an air pocket. Tom gets SUDDENLY SERIOUS. JEANNE What's happening? 86. TOM The patches of turbulence are over. We can't play like children any more, Jeanne. This stops Jeanne in her TRACKS. They face each other. TOM (CONT'D) We're adults. JEANNE Adults? That's awful! TOM Yes. It's awful. JEANNE What do adults do? TOM I don't know. We'll have to invent the gestures and the words. For example, adults... He walks slowly toward her. They EMBRACE PASSIONATELY. They kiss. He breaks away again, SERIOUS. TOM (CONT'D) But there's one thing I do know. Adults are calm... He walks backward as Jeanne STALKS HIM. TOM (CONT'D) ...serious, logical, measured, level-headed... JEANNE Yes... TOM And... they face up to problems... JEANNE ...Yes, yes. Yes, yes. He STOPS ABRUPTLY. 87. TOM You see, Jeanne, this flat won't work for us. This flat, it won't work for us, Jeanne. JEANNE Where are you going? TOM To look for a flat. He walks out to a SHOCKED Jeanne. JEANNE What kind of flat? But he COMES BACK. TOM A flat we can live in. JEANNE We can live here. TOM It's squalid. It smells. It makes me sick.

preserver

How many times the word 'preserver' appears in the text?

COMES... PAUL You... You... You... You f... You... fucking... fucking... family. You fucking... family! Oh, God... Jesus. Oh, you... Oh... 58. He COLLAPSES on her, SPENT as she continues to WEEP. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - THAT MOMENT A TRAIN ROARS by on the TRAIN BRIDGE. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM Paul is SLEEPING on the floor amidst the BREAD AND BUTTER. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - MOMENTS LATER Another couple of TRAINS go by. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - LATER Paul SLEEPS more. On his STOMACH now, with his foot on a piece of FURNITURE. Jeanne puts a record on the RECORD PLAYER she brought with her. She goes to plug it into the FLOOR PLUG but gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. JEANNE Shit! She looks at him sleeping. JEANNE (CONT'D) Hey, you! He looks at her UPSIDE DOWN. JEANNE (CONT'D) Yes, you! PAUL Huh? JEANNE I've got a surprise for you. 59. PAUL What? He looks at himself in a SMALL MIRROR. JEANNE I've got a surprise for you! PAUL That's good. I like surprises. He FLIPS HIMSELF over backwards onto his feet. He walks over to her and the RECORD PLAYER. He stares down at her. PAUL (CONT'D) What is it? JEANNE Music. But I don't know how to work it. He sits on the FLOOR next to her. He plugs in the RECORD PLAYER. He JUMPS as he gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. Jeanne is secretly amused. PAUL Do you enjoy that? He gets the RECORD PLAYING. It's some 70's HIPPY MUSIC. Jeanne sways to it while Paul reads the JACKET COVER. CUT TO: EXT. PASSY VIADUCT PARK - DAY HIPPIE MUSIC CONTINUES Tom and Jeanne sit, ROMANTICALLY ENTWINED on a SEA WALL while his FILM CREW films in the b.g. They sit FACE TO FACE, he holds her shoulders and stares into her eyes. TOM Do you know why I sent the others away? JEANNE Because you're angry, or you want to be alone with me? 60. TOM And why do I want to be alone with you? JEANNE You have something really serious to tell me. He plays with her hair. TOM I have something really very serious to tell you. JEANNE Is it happy or sad? TOM It's a secret. JEANNE So it's happy. What sort of secret? TOM A secret... As his FILM CREW dolly around them in the b.g., his SOUND PERSON yells at them. SOUND PERSON Speak up! I can't hear anything. TOM ...between a man and a woman. JEANNE Is it dirty or is it about love? TOM About love. But that's not all. JEANNE A secret about love, but which isn't love. What is it?! He puts a LIFE PRESERVER over her. TOM Voila. That in a week I'm marrying you. JEANNE What? 61. TOM I'm marrying you. JEANNE What?! TOM I'm marrying you! JEANNE You're marrying me? TOM Yes! JEANNE We're getting married? TOM Yes we're getting married. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE No! TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM No. Are we getting married or not? JEANNE I don't know. 62. TOM So, yes, then? JEANNE Yes! TOM No! JEANNE Yes! TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes or no? She take the life preserver off and THROWS IT IN THE WATER. Together, they WATCH IT SINK. CUT TO: EXT. JEANNE'S MOTHERS APT. - PORCH - DAY JEANNE'S MOTHER beats the dirt off her LATE HUSBANDS MILITARY JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'll send everything to the country. What do you think, Jeanne? INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne tries on another of her FATHERS MILITARY UNIFORMS complete with HAT. JEANNE Olympia will be happy. I went there yesterday with Tom. Her mother joins her inside. She carries the FATHERS BOOTS. JEANNE (CONT'D) She's preparing a family museum. 63. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'm not sending the boots. I'm keeping them with me. I get strange shivers when I touch them. Jeanne goes into an ADJOINING ROOM while her mom continues reflecting, IRONING the JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER (CONT'D) All these military things never age. She looks up just in time to see that Jeanne has found her fathers gun and is pointing it in her direction. JEANNE When I was little, it seemed really heavy when Papa taught me how to shoot. JEANNE'S MOTHER I'm keeping that here. In a respectable household, it's useful to have a weapon. JEANNE You don't even know how to use it. JEANNE'S MOTHER The important thing is to have one. It makes an impression. JEANNE You really kept everything of Papa's. She shows her mom a picture she has scrounged up from her FATHERS WALLET of a TOPLESS NEGRO FEMALE. JEANNE (CONT'D) Who's that? His orderly? JEANNE'S MOTHER A fine example of a Berber. JEANNE Oh. 64. JEANNE'S MOTHER A strong race. I tried to employ them as servants, but it was disastrous. 'm glad I decided to send everything to the country. All his things were piling up and piling up. JEANNE Don't worry. You'll soon have all the space you want. JEANNE'S MOTHER What does that mean? JEANNE Nothing. She takes off the HAT and JACKET and throws them on the sofa. She heads to the FRONT DOOR with MOM FOLLOWING, on pins and needles. JEANNE (CONT'D) Madame, the colonel's lady, I announce... Mom RUNS IN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What? JEANNE On this solemn day... She goes out the door... JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What solemn day? She RUNS AFTER her daughter. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne is on the ELEVATOR. She sticks her head out. JEANNE I'm getting married in a week! She shuts the door and HEADS DOWN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What did you say? 65. Mom follows her down STEP FOR STEP. JEANNE To Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER Pardon? JEANNE Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER What are you doing in a week? CUT TO: EXT. OUTDOOR SHOP BAZAAR - DAY Tom and his FILM CREW film Jeanne trying on wedding dresses. He COUNTS DOWN to the shot. TOM Five... two! He does the CLAPPER with his hands. Jeanne and her HOST OF DRESSERS is lost in her fittings. TOM (CONT'D) Move into shot! We're shooting! They move into the center of the shop. We get another look at Jeanne's LEFT BREAST as it slips out of the dress being fitted. Tom fires off QUESTIONS for film purposes. TOM (CONT'D) So,... how do you see marriage? JEANNE Marriage? TOM Yes. Jeanne gives her upbeat EXTISTENTIAL RESPONSES as her fitting continues. JEANNE I see it everywhere. All the time. 66. TOM What do you mean, everywhere? JEANNE On walls. On buildings. TOM Walls and buildings? JEANNE Yes, on advertising hoardings. TOM What are they selling? Cars. Tinned meat. Cigarettes. JEANNE No. They're all about young couples. Before marriage, no children. Then the same couple, married with children. In short, marriage. The perfect, ideal, successful marriage. It's no longer the preserve of the Church. The husband was burdened with responsibilities and the wife nagged. Now, weddings in advertising smile! TOM They smile. On posters. JEANNE On posters, of course. But why t take poster marriage seriously? Marriage... Pop marriage! Tom comes out from under a DRESS. TOM Pop? That's the formula. For pop youth, pop marriage! But... what if the pop marriage doesn't work? JEANNE Then you have to fix it like you would a car. The spouses are two workers in overalls bending over an engine to fix it. TOM And in case of adultery what happens to the pop marriage? 67. JEANNE In that case, there are three or four workers. TOM What about love? Is love pop? JEANNE No. That's not. Love isn't pop. TOM Love isn't pop. So what is it? JEANNE The workers retire to a secret flat, take off their overalls and become men and women again and make love. The fussing on the dress is finished. Jeanne slowly, PUTS ON HER GLOVES, relishing them. She STRUTS slowly for all to stare and LAVISH her in her dress. Tom is CAPTIVATED. TOM You're wonderful. JEANNE It's the dress that makes the bride. TOM You're better than Rita Hayworth. He wanders out into the street. It is RAINING HEAVILY. Better than Joan Crawford! Better than Kim Novak! Better than Lauren Bacall! Better than Ava Gardner when she was Mickey Rooney's lover! Hes FILM CREW scatters for cover. TOM (CONT'D) What are you doing? Stop! Stop, but keep filming! Why aren't you filming in the rain? CREW 1 You're crazy! 68. They huddle underneath the DOOR of the FILM TRUCK. Tom has lost Jeanne in all the HUBUB. He is disgusted with his CREW. TOM You're all fired! He goes back to the SHOP. TOM (CONT'D) Where's Jeanne? DRESSER 1 She must have run off. TOM When? ln the rain? He runs down the street in the rain looking for her. JEANNE Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LOBBY - DAY Paul comes POINDING in from the rain. He STOMPS the water off his shoes. He breaks into an IMPROMPTU SOFT SHOE. He opens the gate to the ELEVATOR and gets on. He pushes the button. The elevator STARTS UP. JEANNE'S VOICE Please forgive me! Paul stops the elevator. He SENDS IT BACK DOWN. We see Jeanne has been waiting on the ADJACENT STAIRS for Paul. She is still in her WEDDING DRESS. She implores Paul from outside the elevator. JEANNE (FRENCH) Forgive me! I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. (ENGLISH) I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. I can't. I can't leave you, do you understand? 69. She stands, PLEADING at the ELEVATOR. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you still want me? Paul does the EYEBROW TRILL. He opens the elevator so she can get on. ELEVATOR As it ascends, Jeanne slowly RAISES HER DRESS, revealing NO UNDERWEAR and her AMPLE BUSH to Paul. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - ENTRANCE - MOMENTS LATER The door flies open. Paul comes in CARRYING Jeanne in his arms. PAUL Voil ! He starts doing a JIG AND SONG... all the way to the MATTRESSES. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh, there once was a man And he had an old sow ow! Hi-diddle- dow... He puts her on the bed. She is GIGGLING. PAUL (CONT'D) You're wet. Paul pats her stomach and leaves the room. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Paul opens the curtains. Jeanne's SCREAMS come from the other room. He goes to investigate. PAUL (CONT'D) What the hell? BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne screams BLOODY MURDER and points to a DEAD RAT on the STILL UNMADE MATTRESS. 70. PAUL (CONT'D) A rat. Only a rat. He PICKS IT UP by the tail. She stumbles over herself to get away. PAUL (CONT'D) There are more rats in Paris than people. Yum, yum, yum. He holds it out, OFFERING IT to her. She freaks. She runs to the other side of the room. JEANNE I want to go! He brings it to her... she continues to BACK PEDDLE. PAUL Wait, wait! Don't you want a bite first? You don't want to run and eat. JEANNE This is the end! He points to the ASS of the RAT. PAUL No, this is the end... Then points to the HEAD. PAUL (CONT'D) ...but I like to start with the head. That's the best part. Are you sure you won't have any? OK. He DANGLES IT over his mouth, flitting his tounge, pretending to eat it. She is gonna HURL. PAUL (CONT'D) What's the matter? You don't dig rat? JEANNE I wanna go! I can't make love in this bed any more. I can't. It's disgusting! Nauseating! PAUL Well, we'll fuck on the radiator or standing on the mantel. 71. He holds up the RAT again. PAUL (CONT'D) Listen, I gotta get some mayonnaise for this. Because, it really is good with mayonnaise. He heads out, then stops and LOOKS BACK AT HER. PAUL (CONT'D) I'll save the asshole for you. He really leaves this time. PAUL'S VOICE Rat's asshole with mayonnaise! He LAUGHS at himself. Jeanne is a BASKET CASE. She sits on her HAUNCHES, muttering. JEANNE I want to get out of here. I want to go. I can't stand it here any more. Yes. I'm going. She gets up, gets her purse and goes to the door. We see her ASS through the SHEER FABRIC of her wedding dress. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm not coming back... ever. She gets to the... FRONT DOOR Paul is there, WAITING, NONCHALANT. PAUL Quo vadis, baby? JEANNE I forgot to tell you something. I fell in love with somebody. PAUL Oh, isn't that wonderful? You know, you're going to have to get out of these wet duds. He PATS HER ASS. JEANNE I'm going to make love with him! 72. She opens the door but he closes it. She STOMPS into the HALL. PAUL Well, first you have to take a hot bath. Cos if you don't... He walks toward her. PAUL (CONT'D) ...you're gonna get pneumonia, right? Huh? She STOMPS a few more steps toward the BATHROOM. PAUL (CONT'D) And then you know what happens? You get pneumonia, then you know what happens? You die. And then, you know what happens when you die? I get to fuck the dead rat! He THROWS HER OVER his shoulder and carries her KICKING AND SCREAMING into the... CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM Jeanne is in the BATHTUB. Paul sits on the BIDET behind her with a WASHCLOTH. PAUL Give me the soap. She does. JEANNE I'm in love. PAUL You're in love? He shoves her head UNDER THE WATER. PAUL (CONT'D) How delightful. She comes up ANGRY. JEANNE I'm in love! I'm in love, you understand? 73. He SMACKS her with the washcloth on the head. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm in love, I'm in love! He SHOVES HER under again. JEANNE (CONT'D) Oh! I'm in love! He HITS HER on the head with her own shoe. She just gets more ANGRY. JEANNE (CONT'D) You know, you're old! You're getting fat. PAUL Fat, is it? How unkind. JEANNE Half of your hair is out and the other half is almost white. He smacks her in the mouth with the wash cloth, she smiles. PAUL In ten years, you'll be playing soccer with your tits. He starts WASHING HER back. PAUL (CONT'D) What do you think of that? You know what I'm gonna be doing? JEANNE You will be on a... wheelchair! PAUL Well, maybe. But, you know... I'll be smirking and giggling all the way to eternity. JEANNE How poetic. But please, before you go, wash my feet. She holds up A FOOT. PAUL OK. oblesse oblige. 74. He sits on the edge of the TUB and grabs her foot. He takes a sniff... She pulls it away. JEANNE You know, he and I, we make love. He WASHES her foot. PAUL Oh, really? That's wonderful. Is he a good fucker? JEANNE Magnificent. He puts up the OTHER FOOT to was, he obliges again. PAUL You know, you're a jerk. Cos the best fucking you're gonna get is right here in this apartment. Stand up. She does. He washes her ASS. JEANNE He is full of mysteries. PAUL Give me the soap. Listen, you dumb dodo. All the mysteries that you're ever gonna know in life are right here. He washes her STOMACH. JEANNE He is like everybody but... at the same time he's different. PAUL You mean, like everybody. JEANNE Yeah, but... even he fright me. Even he frightens me. PAUL What is he, your local pimp? JEANNE He could be. He looks it. You know why I'm in love with him? 75. PAUL I can't wait. JEANNE Because he know. He know how to make me fall in love with him. She gets out. He COVERS her with a BIG RED TOWEL. PAUL You want this man you love to protect and take care of you. JEANNE Yeah. PAUL You want this golden, shining, powerful warrior to build a fortress where you can hide in. So you don't have to ever... have... You don't ever have to be afraid. You don't have to feel lonely or empty. That's what you want, isn't it? JEANNE Yes. PAUL Well, you'll never find it. JEANNE But I find this man. PAUL Then it won't be long until he'll want you to build a fortress for him out of your tits and out of your cunt and your hair and your smile and the way you smell. And... and some place where he can feel comfortable and secure enough so that he can worship in front of the altar of his own prick. JEANNE But I find this man! They lean against SEPERATE WALLS. 76. PAUL No, you're alone. You're all alone. You won't be free of that feeling of being alone until you look death right in the face. I mean, that sounds like bullshit, some romantic crap, until you go right up into the ass of death. Right up in his ass... till you find the womb of fear. And then,... maybe... Maybe then, you'll be able to find him. JEANNE But I find this man. He's you! You are that man! Paul doesn't like that comment. He needs to TEACH HER another LESSON. He bites a HANGNAIL. PAUL Get me the scissors. JEANNE What? PAUL Get me the fingernail scissors. She STOMPS past him to get them, hands them to him. PAUL (CONT'D) No. I want you to cut the fingernails on your right hand, these two. She DOES. JEANNE That's it. He stands FACING the wall and PULLS HIS pants down. PAUL I want you to put your fingers up my ass. JEANNE What? PAUL Put your fingers up my ass, are you deaf? Go on. I'm gonna get a pig... and I'm... I'm gonna have the pig fuck you. (MORE) 77. PAUL (CONT'D) I want the pig to vomit in your face and I want you to swallow the vomit. Are you gonna do that for me? JEANNE Yeah. PAUL Huh? JEANNE Yeah! PAUL I want the pig to die while... while you're fucking him. Then you'll have to go behind him. I want you to smell the dying farts of the pig. Are you gonna do all of that for me? JEANNE Yes, and more than that! And worse! And worse than before. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - TEMPORARY VIEWING ROOM - DAY ROSA'S WAKE. Rosa's mother has set up a room in the Hotel as a VIEWING ROOM for her daughter. She is, as promised, surrounded by TONS OF FLOWERS. Paul comes in and pulls up a chair next to ROSA. He turns on the LIGHT. PAUL You look ridiculous in that make- up. Like the caricature of a whore. A little touch of Mommy in the night. Fake Ophelia drowned in the bathtub. I wish you could see yourself. You'd really laugh. You're your mother's masterpiece. He pulls the chair closer to her. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh Christ! There are too many fucking flowers in this place. I can't breathe. You know on the top of the closet? (MORE) 78. PAUL (CONT'D) The cardboard box, I found all your... I found all your little goodies. Pens, keychains, foreign money, French ticklers, the whole shot. Even a clergyman's collar. I didn't know you collected all those little knick-knacks left behind. Even if the husband lives fucking years, he's never going to be able to discover his wife's real nature. I mean, I... I might be able to comprehend the universe, but... 'll never discover the truth bout you. Never. I mean, who the hell were you? Remember that day, the first day I was there? I knew that I couldn't get into your pants unless I said... What did I say? Oh, yeah. "May I have my bill, please? I have to leave." Remember? Last night... I ripped off the lights on your mother. And the whole joint went bananas. All your... guests... as you used to call them... Well, I guess that includes me, doesn't it? It does include me, doesn't it? For five years, I was more a guest in this fucking flophouse than a husband. With privileges, of course. And then, to help me understand you, you let me inherit Marcel. The husband's double, whose room was the double of ours. And you know what? I didn't even have the guts to ask him. Didn't have the guts to ask him if the same numbers you and I did were the same numbers you did with him. Our marriage was nothing more than a foxhole for you. And all it took for you to get out was a -cent razor and a tub full of water. You cheap, goddamn, fucking, godforsaken whore. I hope you rot in hell. You're worse than the dirtiest street pig anybody could find, and you know why? You know why? Because you lied. You lied to me and I trusted you. You lied. You knew you were lying! Go on, tell me you didn't lie. Haven't you got anything to say about that? You can think up something, can't you? (MORE) 79. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me something! Smile, you cunt! He STARTS to WEEP. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me... Tell me something sweet. Smile at me and say I just misunderstood. Go on, tell me. You pig-fucker! You goddamn, fucking, pig-fucking liar. Rosa, I'm sorry... I just can't... I can't stand it... to see these goddamn things on your face. You never wore make-up. This fucking shit. I'm gonna take this off your mouth. This lipstick... Rosa... Oh, God! He COLLAPSES on her, SOBBING. PAUL (CONT'D) I'm sorry. I don't know why you did it. I'd do it too, if I knew how. I just don't know how. I have to... I have to find a way. [OC] We hear a voice. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Is anyone there? PAUL What? PROSTITUTE'S VOICE There was a noise in there! PAUL All right, I'm... I'm coming. (back to ROSA) I have to go. I have to go, sweetheart, baby. Somebody's calling me. He starts to the door. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Well? Is anyone there? PAUL Yeah. I'm coming. CUT TO: 80. INT. HOTEL - ENTRANCE - DAY Outside the FRONT DOOR, the source of the voice, a WORN OUT and OLD PROSTITUTE. She is with her JOHN. PROSTITUTE (TO JOHN) Here he is. (TO PAUL) Hurry up! Wake up! Open up! Open up! PAUL It's four in the morning. PROSTITUTE I need room four for a while. (TO JOHN) Half an hour? (TO PAUL) Yes, that'll do. Yes, half an hour. PAUL We're full. She knocks on the door, INCESANTLY. PROSTITUTE That's not true. When you're full, you put a sign outside. I know the hotel. I'm sick of arguing out on the street. Call the owner. What are you waiting for? The owner has never made a fuss. Rosa and I are old friends. Open up. Paul opens up. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Don't make any trouble or I'll tell your boss. (TO JOHN) Come in, it's all sorted... But the man has LEFT. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) You've won. He's taken off. PAUL I'm very sorry. PROSTITUTE Hurry up! He can't be far away. 81. She PUSHES him out to the street. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Make him come back. Tell him he can't just walk off. She SHOVES HIM out the door and DOWN THE STREET. Paul CHASES the man on foot for BLOCKS and BLOCKS. He finally CATCHES UP to him in a --- CUT TO: EXT. PARIS STREET - ALLEY - MORNING The JOHN figures he has gotten away. He reverses his TRENCH COAT to the appropriate side. Paul comes around the corner. The John doesn't see any HOSTILITY coming. But it DOES. JOHN Oh,... please don't tell her you found me. I don't fancy it any more. Did you see her face? Once, my wife satisfied me. But now she's got a skin disease. It's like snakeskin. Put yourself in my place. Paul grabs him by the tie and drags him. PAUL Come. Come with me. The man FIGHTS BACK. JOHN But... Let go of me! Paul doesn't like that. He ROUGHS HIM UP, throwing him from WALL TO WALL. JOHN (CONT'D) You're crazy! Let go of me! Let go! He ends up on the ground MINUS HIS COAT. Paul KICKS HIM IN THE ASS like a dog. PAUL Get the fuck out of here! 82. The man RUNS OFF. PAUL (CONT'D) Faggot! Paul heads back up the ALLEY as the man CONTINUES OFF in the f.g. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - PAUL AND ROSA'S ROOM - DAY Paul lays down on his TWIN BED with his ROBE on over his clothes. We see that his BAGS ARE PACKED. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - BEDROOM - DAY We see that the mattress is gone. Only a pile of sheets and pillows remain in the room. Jeanne is on the floor, on her knees, doubled over in SICK GRIEF. PAUL HAS MOVED OUT. JEANNE No! She WANDERS through the apt., GRIEF STRICKEN, from room to room. We see only a FEW BELONGINGS left around. Shoes, the CAT (where was it for the "rat problem"?) and phone. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne RIPS THE SHEET OFF the piece of furniture that has been COVERED UP all along. We all wondered what was underneath that was so precious. It's nothing special. She COLLAPSES in grief again, the furniture falling on her, she KICKS IT OFF. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - FRONT DESK - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne talks to the CRAZY Concierge from BEFORE. Her head STUCK through the LITTLE WINDOW while the crazy woman PUFFS a cig. 83. JEANNE Try and remember! The man from the fourth floor. He moved in a few days ago. CONCIERGE I told you, I don't know anyone. They come and go. The man on the fourth, the woman on the first. What do I know? She gives a CRAZY CACKLE. JEANNE Where did they take the furniture too? It's empty. Where do you send his mail? Give me his address. CONCIERGE I don't have it. I don't know these people. JEANNE Not even his name? CONCIERGE Nothing! Jeanne STORMS OUT. CONCIERGE (CONT'D) Ma'zelle! CUT TO: INT. PAYPHONE BOOTH - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne is on the payphone in the bar from before. She speaks to Tom. Still DESPONDENT, tears stream down her face. JEANNE I've found a flat for us. 1 rue Jules Verne. Yes. In Passy. Come quickly! You'll come now? Do you know where it is? I'll wait for you. Come over. She struggles to HANG UP THE PHONE through her grief. She BREAKS DOWN, closing the door for privacy. 84. We can SEE HER through the door as she leans on it. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - DAY The front DOORBELL RINGS. JEANNE Come in, it's open. Tom comes in. Jeanne stares out the window. She is BATHED in sunlight. Tom LOOKS AROUND in b.g. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you like our flat? It's very light. There's a tiny room, too. It's too small for a double bed. It would be fine for a child. Fidel. That's a nice name for a boy. Fidel, as in Castro. TOM But I'd like a girl, too. Rosa. As in Rosa Luxemburg. Less famous, but I like it. You know, I wanted to film you every day. In the morning, when you wake up, in the evening, when you sleep. When you first smile, and I didn't film any of that. Here. He hands her FLOWERS. She REGARDS them. He circles to her front. TOM (CONT'D) Today is the last day of shooting. The film is finished. I don't like things that finish, things that end. You have to start something else right away. They EMBRACE and KISS. THAT ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Tom looks around the place. 85. TOM (CONT'D) This flat is huge! Jeanne has made her way to the DINING ROOM. TOM (CONT'D) Where are you? JEANNE I'm here! They continue shouting across the apt. TOM It's too big! We'll get lost! JEANNE Stop it! Don't start! TOM How did you find this flat? JEANNE By chance. TOM We'll change everything! Jeanne holds her ARMS OUT like a bird. JEANNE Everything! We'll change chance to destiny. TOM Go on, Jeanne. Take off! MUSIC RISES as Jeanne pretends to FLY AROUND the apt. from ROOM TO ROOM making AIRPLANE NOISES as Tom DIRECTS HER. TOM (CONT'D) Fly away, you're in heaven! You're soaring, you're in heaven! Come down, take a nose dive, come down! Make three turns, come down. Jeanne, what's happening? There's an air pocket. Tom gets SUDDENLY SERIOUS. JEANNE What's happening? 86. TOM The patches of turbulence are over. We can't play like children any more, Jeanne. This stops Jeanne in her TRACKS. They face each other. TOM (CONT'D) We're adults. JEANNE Adults? That's awful! TOM Yes. It's awful. JEANNE What do adults do? TOM I don't know. We'll have to invent the gestures and the words. For example, adults... He walks slowly toward her. They EMBRACE PASSIONATELY. They kiss. He breaks away again, SERIOUS. TOM (CONT'D) But there's one thing I do know. Adults are calm... He walks backward as Jeanne STALKS HIM. TOM (CONT'D) ...serious, logical, measured, level-headed... JEANNE Yes... TOM And... they face up to problems... JEANNE ...Yes, yes. Yes, yes. He STOPS ABRUPTLY. 87. TOM You see, Jeanne, this flat won't work for us. This flat, it won't work for us, Jeanne. JEANNE Where are you going? TOM To look for a flat. He walks out to a SHOCKED Jeanne. JEANNE What kind of flat? But he COMES BACK. TOM A flat we can live in. JEANNE We can live here. TOM It's squalid. It smells. It makes me sick.

yum

How many times the word 'yum' appears in the text?

COMES... PAUL You... You... You... You f... You... fucking... fucking... family. You fucking... family! Oh, God... Jesus. Oh, you... Oh... 58. He COLLAPSES on her, SPENT as she continues to WEEP. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - THAT MOMENT A TRAIN ROARS by on the TRAIN BRIDGE. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM Paul is SLEEPING on the floor amidst the BREAD AND BUTTER. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - MOMENTS LATER Another couple of TRAINS go by. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - LATER Paul SLEEPS more. On his STOMACH now, with his foot on a piece of FURNITURE. Jeanne puts a record on the RECORD PLAYER she brought with her. She goes to plug it into the FLOOR PLUG but gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. JEANNE Shit! She looks at him sleeping. JEANNE (CONT'D) Hey, you! He looks at her UPSIDE DOWN. JEANNE (CONT'D) Yes, you! PAUL Huh? JEANNE I've got a surprise for you. 59. PAUL What? He looks at himself in a SMALL MIRROR. JEANNE I've got a surprise for you! PAUL That's good. I like surprises. He FLIPS HIMSELF over backwards onto his feet. He walks over to her and the RECORD PLAYER. He stares down at her. PAUL (CONT'D) What is it? JEANNE Music. But I don't know how to work it. He sits on the FLOOR next to her. He plugs in the RECORD PLAYER. He JUMPS as he gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. Jeanne is secretly amused. PAUL Do you enjoy that? He gets the RECORD PLAYING. It's some 70's HIPPY MUSIC. Jeanne sways to it while Paul reads the JACKET COVER. CUT TO: EXT. PASSY VIADUCT PARK - DAY HIPPIE MUSIC CONTINUES Tom and Jeanne sit, ROMANTICALLY ENTWINED on a SEA WALL while his FILM CREW films in the b.g. They sit FACE TO FACE, he holds her shoulders and stares into her eyes. TOM Do you know why I sent the others away? JEANNE Because you're angry, or you want to be alone with me? 60. TOM And why do I want to be alone with you? JEANNE You have something really serious to tell me. He plays with her hair. TOM I have something really very serious to tell you. JEANNE Is it happy or sad? TOM It's a secret. JEANNE So it's happy. What sort of secret? TOM A secret... As his FILM CREW dolly around them in the b.g., his SOUND PERSON yells at them. SOUND PERSON Speak up! I can't hear anything. TOM ...between a man and a woman. JEANNE Is it dirty or is it about love? TOM About love. But that's not all. JEANNE A secret about love, but which isn't love. What is it?! He puts a LIFE PRESERVER over her. TOM Voila. That in a week I'm marrying you. JEANNE What? 61. TOM I'm marrying you. JEANNE What?! TOM I'm marrying you! JEANNE You're marrying me? TOM Yes! JEANNE We're getting married? TOM Yes we're getting married. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE No! TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM No. Are we getting married or not? JEANNE I don't know. 62. TOM So, yes, then? JEANNE Yes! TOM No! JEANNE Yes! TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes or no? She take the life preserver off and THROWS IT IN THE WATER. Together, they WATCH IT SINK. CUT TO: EXT. JEANNE'S MOTHERS APT. - PORCH - DAY JEANNE'S MOTHER beats the dirt off her LATE HUSBANDS MILITARY JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'll send everything to the country. What do you think, Jeanne? INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne tries on another of her FATHERS MILITARY UNIFORMS complete with HAT. JEANNE Olympia will be happy. I went there yesterday with Tom. Her mother joins her inside. She carries the FATHERS BOOTS. JEANNE (CONT'D) She's preparing a family museum. 63. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'm not sending the boots. I'm keeping them with me. I get strange shivers when I touch them. Jeanne goes into an ADJOINING ROOM while her mom continues reflecting, IRONING the JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER (CONT'D) All these military things never age. She looks up just in time to see that Jeanne has found her fathers gun and is pointing it in her direction. JEANNE When I was little, it seemed really heavy when Papa taught me how to shoot. JEANNE'S MOTHER I'm keeping that here. In a respectable household, it's useful to have a weapon. JEANNE You don't even know how to use it. JEANNE'S MOTHER The important thing is to have one. It makes an impression. JEANNE You really kept everything of Papa's. She shows her mom a picture she has scrounged up from her FATHERS WALLET of a TOPLESS NEGRO FEMALE. JEANNE (CONT'D) Who's that? His orderly? JEANNE'S MOTHER A fine example of a Berber. JEANNE Oh. 64. JEANNE'S MOTHER A strong race. I tried to employ them as servants, but it was disastrous. 'm glad I decided to send everything to the country. All his things were piling up and piling up. JEANNE Don't worry. You'll soon have all the space you want. JEANNE'S MOTHER What does that mean? JEANNE Nothing. She takes off the HAT and JACKET and throws them on the sofa. She heads to the FRONT DOOR with MOM FOLLOWING, on pins and needles. JEANNE (CONT'D) Madame, the colonel's lady, I announce... Mom RUNS IN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What? JEANNE On this solemn day... She goes out the door... JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What solemn day? She RUNS AFTER her daughter. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne is on the ELEVATOR. She sticks her head out. JEANNE I'm getting married in a week! She shuts the door and HEADS DOWN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What did you say? 65. Mom follows her down STEP FOR STEP. JEANNE To Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER Pardon? JEANNE Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER What are you doing in a week? CUT TO: EXT. OUTDOOR SHOP BAZAAR - DAY Tom and his FILM CREW film Jeanne trying on wedding dresses. He COUNTS DOWN to the shot. TOM Five... two! He does the CLAPPER with his hands. Jeanne and her HOST OF DRESSERS is lost in her fittings. TOM (CONT'D) Move into shot! We're shooting! They move into the center of the shop. We get another look at Jeanne's LEFT BREAST as it slips out of the dress being fitted. Tom fires off QUESTIONS for film purposes. TOM (CONT'D) So,... how do you see marriage? JEANNE Marriage? TOM Yes. Jeanne gives her upbeat EXTISTENTIAL RESPONSES as her fitting continues. JEANNE I see it everywhere. All the time. 66. TOM What do you mean, everywhere? JEANNE On walls. On buildings. TOM Walls and buildings? JEANNE Yes, on advertising hoardings. TOM What are they selling? Cars. Tinned meat. Cigarettes. JEANNE No. They're all about young couples. Before marriage, no children. Then the same couple, married with children. In short, marriage. The perfect, ideal, successful marriage. It's no longer the preserve of the Church. The husband was burdened with responsibilities and the wife nagged. Now, weddings in advertising smile! TOM They smile. On posters. JEANNE On posters, of course. But why t take poster marriage seriously? Marriage... Pop marriage! Tom comes out from under a DRESS. TOM Pop? That's the formula. For pop youth, pop marriage! But... what if the pop marriage doesn't work? JEANNE Then you have to fix it like you would a car. The spouses are two workers in overalls bending over an engine to fix it. TOM And in case of adultery what happens to the pop marriage? 67. JEANNE In that case, there are three or four workers. TOM What about love? Is love pop? JEANNE No. That's not. Love isn't pop. TOM Love isn't pop. So what is it? JEANNE The workers retire to a secret flat, take off their overalls and become men and women again and make love. The fussing on the dress is finished. Jeanne slowly, PUTS ON HER GLOVES, relishing them. She STRUTS slowly for all to stare and LAVISH her in her dress. Tom is CAPTIVATED. TOM You're wonderful. JEANNE It's the dress that makes the bride. TOM You're better than Rita Hayworth. He wanders out into the street. It is RAINING HEAVILY. Better than Joan Crawford! Better than Kim Novak! Better than Lauren Bacall! Better than Ava Gardner when she was Mickey Rooney's lover! Hes FILM CREW scatters for cover. TOM (CONT'D) What are you doing? Stop! Stop, but keep filming! Why aren't you filming in the rain? CREW 1 You're crazy! 68. They huddle underneath the DOOR of the FILM TRUCK. Tom has lost Jeanne in all the HUBUB. He is disgusted with his CREW. TOM You're all fired! He goes back to the SHOP. TOM (CONT'D) Where's Jeanne? DRESSER 1 She must have run off. TOM When? ln the rain? He runs down the street in the rain looking for her. JEANNE Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LOBBY - DAY Paul comes POINDING in from the rain. He STOMPS the water off his shoes. He breaks into an IMPROMPTU SOFT SHOE. He opens the gate to the ELEVATOR and gets on. He pushes the button. The elevator STARTS UP. JEANNE'S VOICE Please forgive me! Paul stops the elevator. He SENDS IT BACK DOWN. We see Jeanne has been waiting on the ADJACENT STAIRS for Paul. She is still in her WEDDING DRESS. She implores Paul from outside the elevator. JEANNE (FRENCH) Forgive me! I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. (ENGLISH) I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. I can't. I can't leave you, do you understand? 69. She stands, PLEADING at the ELEVATOR. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you still want me? Paul does the EYEBROW TRILL. He opens the elevator so she can get on. ELEVATOR As it ascends, Jeanne slowly RAISES HER DRESS, revealing NO UNDERWEAR and her AMPLE BUSH to Paul. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - ENTRANCE - MOMENTS LATER The door flies open. Paul comes in CARRYING Jeanne in his arms. PAUL Voil ! He starts doing a JIG AND SONG... all the way to the MATTRESSES. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh, there once was a man And he had an old sow ow! Hi-diddle- dow... He puts her on the bed. She is GIGGLING. PAUL (CONT'D) You're wet. Paul pats her stomach and leaves the room. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Paul opens the curtains. Jeanne's SCREAMS come from the other room. He goes to investigate. PAUL (CONT'D) What the hell? BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne screams BLOODY MURDER and points to a DEAD RAT on the STILL UNMADE MATTRESS. 70. PAUL (CONT'D) A rat. Only a rat. He PICKS IT UP by the tail. She stumbles over herself to get away. PAUL (CONT'D) There are more rats in Paris than people. Yum, yum, yum. He holds it out, OFFERING IT to her. She freaks. She runs to the other side of the room. JEANNE I want to go! He brings it to her... she continues to BACK PEDDLE. PAUL Wait, wait! Don't you want a bite first? You don't want to run and eat. JEANNE This is the end! He points to the ASS of the RAT. PAUL No, this is the end... Then points to the HEAD. PAUL (CONT'D) ...but I like to start with the head. That's the best part. Are you sure you won't have any? OK. He DANGLES IT over his mouth, flitting his tounge, pretending to eat it. She is gonna HURL. PAUL (CONT'D) What's the matter? You don't dig rat? JEANNE I wanna go! I can't make love in this bed any more. I can't. It's disgusting! Nauseating! PAUL Well, we'll fuck on the radiator or standing on the mantel. 71. He holds up the RAT again. PAUL (CONT'D) Listen, I gotta get some mayonnaise for this. Because, it really is good with mayonnaise. He heads out, then stops and LOOKS BACK AT HER. PAUL (CONT'D) I'll save the asshole for you. He really leaves this time. PAUL'S VOICE Rat's asshole with mayonnaise! He LAUGHS at himself. Jeanne is a BASKET CASE. She sits on her HAUNCHES, muttering. JEANNE I want to get out of here. I want to go. I can't stand it here any more. Yes. I'm going. She gets up, gets her purse and goes to the door. We see her ASS through the SHEER FABRIC of her wedding dress. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm not coming back... ever. She gets to the... FRONT DOOR Paul is there, WAITING, NONCHALANT. PAUL Quo vadis, baby? JEANNE I forgot to tell you something. I fell in love with somebody. PAUL Oh, isn't that wonderful? You know, you're going to have to get out of these wet duds. He PATS HER ASS. JEANNE I'm going to make love with him! 72. She opens the door but he closes it. She STOMPS into the HALL. PAUL Well, first you have to take a hot bath. Cos if you don't... He walks toward her. PAUL (CONT'D) ...you're gonna get pneumonia, right? Huh? She STOMPS a few more steps toward the BATHROOM. PAUL (CONT'D) And then you know what happens? You get pneumonia, then you know what happens? You die. And then, you know what happens when you die? I get to fuck the dead rat! He THROWS HER OVER his shoulder and carries her KICKING AND SCREAMING into the... CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM Jeanne is in the BATHTUB. Paul sits on the BIDET behind her with a WASHCLOTH. PAUL Give me the soap. She does. JEANNE I'm in love. PAUL You're in love? He shoves her head UNDER THE WATER. PAUL (CONT'D) How delightful. She comes up ANGRY. JEANNE I'm in love! I'm in love, you understand? 73. He SMACKS her with the washcloth on the head. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm in love, I'm in love! He SHOVES HER under again. JEANNE (CONT'D) Oh! I'm in love! He HITS HER on the head with her own shoe. She just gets more ANGRY. JEANNE (CONT'D) You know, you're old! You're getting fat. PAUL Fat, is it? How unkind. JEANNE Half of your hair is out and the other half is almost white. He smacks her in the mouth with the wash cloth, she smiles. PAUL In ten years, you'll be playing soccer with your tits. He starts WASHING HER back. PAUL (CONT'D) What do you think of that? You know what I'm gonna be doing? JEANNE You will be on a... wheelchair! PAUL Well, maybe. But, you know... I'll be smirking and giggling all the way to eternity. JEANNE How poetic. But please, before you go, wash my feet. She holds up A FOOT. PAUL OK. oblesse oblige. 74. He sits on the edge of the TUB and grabs her foot. He takes a sniff... She pulls it away. JEANNE You know, he and I, we make love. He WASHES her foot. PAUL Oh, really? That's wonderful. Is he a good fucker? JEANNE Magnificent. He puts up the OTHER FOOT to was, he obliges again. PAUL You know, you're a jerk. Cos the best fucking you're gonna get is right here in this apartment. Stand up. She does. He washes her ASS. JEANNE He is full of mysteries. PAUL Give me the soap. Listen, you dumb dodo. All the mysteries that you're ever gonna know in life are right here. He washes her STOMACH. JEANNE He is like everybody but... at the same time he's different. PAUL You mean, like everybody. JEANNE Yeah, but... even he fright me. Even he frightens me. PAUL What is he, your local pimp? JEANNE He could be. He looks it. You know why I'm in love with him? 75. PAUL I can't wait. JEANNE Because he know. He know how to make me fall in love with him. She gets out. He COVERS her with a BIG RED TOWEL. PAUL You want this man you love to protect and take care of you. JEANNE Yeah. PAUL You want this golden, shining, powerful warrior to build a fortress where you can hide in. So you don't have to ever... have... You don't ever have to be afraid. You don't have to feel lonely or empty. That's what you want, isn't it? JEANNE Yes. PAUL Well, you'll never find it. JEANNE But I find this man. PAUL Then it won't be long until he'll want you to build a fortress for him out of your tits and out of your cunt and your hair and your smile and the way you smell. And... and some place where he can feel comfortable and secure enough so that he can worship in front of the altar of his own prick. JEANNE But I find this man! They lean against SEPERATE WALLS. 76. PAUL No, you're alone. You're all alone. You won't be free of that feeling of being alone until you look death right in the face. I mean, that sounds like bullshit, some romantic crap, until you go right up into the ass of death. Right up in his ass... till you find the womb of fear. And then,... maybe... Maybe then, you'll be able to find him. JEANNE But I find this man. He's you! You are that man! Paul doesn't like that comment. He needs to TEACH HER another LESSON. He bites a HANGNAIL. PAUL Get me the scissors. JEANNE What? PAUL Get me the fingernail scissors. She STOMPS past him to get them, hands them to him. PAUL (CONT'D) No. I want you to cut the fingernails on your right hand, these two. She DOES. JEANNE That's it. He stands FACING the wall and PULLS HIS pants down. PAUL I want you to put your fingers up my ass. JEANNE What? PAUL Put your fingers up my ass, are you deaf? Go on. I'm gonna get a pig... and I'm... I'm gonna have the pig fuck you. (MORE) 77. PAUL (CONT'D) I want the pig to vomit in your face and I want you to swallow the vomit. Are you gonna do that for me? JEANNE Yeah. PAUL Huh? JEANNE Yeah! PAUL I want the pig to die while... while you're fucking him. Then you'll have to go behind him. I want you to smell the dying farts of the pig. Are you gonna do all of that for me? JEANNE Yes, and more than that! And worse! And worse than before. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - TEMPORARY VIEWING ROOM - DAY ROSA'S WAKE. Rosa's mother has set up a room in the Hotel as a VIEWING ROOM for her daughter. She is, as promised, surrounded by TONS OF FLOWERS. Paul comes in and pulls up a chair next to ROSA. He turns on the LIGHT. PAUL You look ridiculous in that make- up. Like the caricature of a whore. A little touch of Mommy in the night. Fake Ophelia drowned in the bathtub. I wish you could see yourself. You'd really laugh. You're your mother's masterpiece. He pulls the chair closer to her. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh Christ! There are too many fucking flowers in this place. I can't breathe. You know on the top of the closet? (MORE) 78. PAUL (CONT'D) The cardboard box, I found all your... I found all your little goodies. Pens, keychains, foreign money, French ticklers, the whole shot. Even a clergyman's collar. I didn't know you collected all those little knick-knacks left behind. Even if the husband lives fucking years, he's never going to be able to discover his wife's real nature. I mean, I... I might be able to comprehend the universe, but... 'll never discover the truth bout you. Never. I mean, who the hell were you? Remember that day, the first day I was there? I knew that I couldn't get into your pants unless I said... What did I say? Oh, yeah. "May I have my bill, please? I have to leave." Remember? Last night... I ripped off the lights on your mother. And the whole joint went bananas. All your... guests... as you used to call them... Well, I guess that includes me, doesn't it? It does include me, doesn't it? For five years, I was more a guest in this fucking flophouse than a husband. With privileges, of course. And then, to help me understand you, you let me inherit Marcel. The husband's double, whose room was the double of ours. And you know what? I didn't even have the guts to ask him. Didn't have the guts to ask him if the same numbers you and I did were the same numbers you did with him. Our marriage was nothing more than a foxhole for you. And all it took for you to get out was a -cent razor and a tub full of water. You cheap, goddamn, fucking, godforsaken whore. I hope you rot in hell. You're worse than the dirtiest street pig anybody could find, and you know why? You know why? Because you lied. You lied to me and I trusted you. You lied. You knew you were lying! Go on, tell me you didn't lie. Haven't you got anything to say about that? You can think up something, can't you? (MORE) 79. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me something! Smile, you cunt! He STARTS to WEEP. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me... Tell me something sweet. Smile at me and say I just misunderstood. Go on, tell me. You pig-fucker! You goddamn, fucking, pig-fucking liar. Rosa, I'm sorry... I just can't... I can't stand it... to see these goddamn things on your face. You never wore make-up. This fucking shit. I'm gonna take this off your mouth. This lipstick... Rosa... Oh, God! He COLLAPSES on her, SOBBING. PAUL (CONT'D) I'm sorry. I don't know why you did it. I'd do it too, if I knew how. I just don't know how. I have to... I have to find a way. [OC] We hear a voice. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Is anyone there? PAUL What? PROSTITUTE'S VOICE There was a noise in there! PAUL All right, I'm... I'm coming. (back to ROSA) I have to go. I have to go, sweetheart, baby. Somebody's calling me. He starts to the door. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Well? Is anyone there? PAUL Yeah. I'm coming. CUT TO: 80. INT. HOTEL - ENTRANCE - DAY Outside the FRONT DOOR, the source of the voice, a WORN OUT and OLD PROSTITUTE. She is with her JOHN. PROSTITUTE (TO JOHN) Here he is. (TO PAUL) Hurry up! Wake up! Open up! Open up! PAUL It's four in the morning. PROSTITUTE I need room four for a while. (TO JOHN) Half an hour? (TO PAUL) Yes, that'll do. Yes, half an hour. PAUL We're full. She knocks on the door, INCESANTLY. PROSTITUTE That's not true. When you're full, you put a sign outside. I know the hotel. I'm sick of arguing out on the street. Call the owner. What are you waiting for? The owner has never made a fuss. Rosa and I are old friends. Open up. Paul opens up. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Don't make any trouble or I'll tell your boss. (TO JOHN) Come in, it's all sorted... But the man has LEFT. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) You've won. He's taken off. PAUL I'm very sorry. PROSTITUTE Hurry up! He can't be far away. 81. She PUSHES him out to the street. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Make him come back. Tell him he can't just walk off. She SHOVES HIM out the door and DOWN THE STREET. Paul CHASES the man on foot for BLOCKS and BLOCKS. He finally CATCHES UP to him in a --- CUT TO: EXT. PARIS STREET - ALLEY - MORNING The JOHN figures he has gotten away. He reverses his TRENCH COAT to the appropriate side. Paul comes around the corner. The John doesn't see any HOSTILITY coming. But it DOES. JOHN Oh,... please don't tell her you found me. I don't fancy it any more. Did you see her face? Once, my wife satisfied me. But now she's got a skin disease. It's like snakeskin. Put yourself in my place. Paul grabs him by the tie and drags him. PAUL Come. Come with me. The man FIGHTS BACK. JOHN But... Let go of me! Paul doesn't like that. He ROUGHS HIM UP, throwing him from WALL TO WALL. JOHN (CONT'D) You're crazy! Let go of me! Let go! He ends up on the ground MINUS HIS COAT. Paul KICKS HIM IN THE ASS like a dog. PAUL Get the fuck out of here! 82. The man RUNS OFF. PAUL (CONT'D) Faggot! Paul heads back up the ALLEY as the man CONTINUES OFF in the f.g. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - PAUL AND ROSA'S ROOM - DAY Paul lays down on his TWIN BED with his ROBE on over his clothes. We see that his BAGS ARE PACKED. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - BEDROOM - DAY We see that the mattress is gone. Only a pile of sheets and pillows remain in the room. Jeanne is on the floor, on her knees, doubled over in SICK GRIEF. PAUL HAS MOVED OUT. JEANNE No! She WANDERS through the apt., GRIEF STRICKEN, from room to room. We see only a FEW BELONGINGS left around. Shoes, the CAT (where was it for the "rat problem"?) and phone. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne RIPS THE SHEET OFF the piece of furniture that has been COVERED UP all along. We all wondered what was underneath that was so precious. It's nothing special. She COLLAPSES in grief again, the furniture falling on her, she KICKS IT OFF. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - FRONT DESK - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne talks to the CRAZY Concierge from BEFORE. Her head STUCK through the LITTLE WINDOW while the crazy woman PUFFS a cig. 83. JEANNE Try and remember! The man from the fourth floor. He moved in a few days ago. CONCIERGE I told you, I don't know anyone. They come and go. The man on the fourth, the woman on the first. What do I know? She gives a CRAZY CACKLE. JEANNE Where did they take the furniture too? It's empty. Where do you send his mail? Give me his address. CONCIERGE I don't have it. I don't know these people. JEANNE Not even his name? CONCIERGE Nothing! Jeanne STORMS OUT. CONCIERGE (CONT'D) Ma'zelle! CUT TO: INT. PAYPHONE BOOTH - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne is on the payphone in the bar from before. She speaks to Tom. Still DESPONDENT, tears stream down her face. JEANNE I've found a flat for us. 1 rue Jules Verne. Yes. In Passy. Come quickly! You'll come now? Do you know where it is? I'll wait for you. Come over. She struggles to HANG UP THE PHONE through her grief. She BREAKS DOWN, closing the door for privacy. 84. We can SEE HER through the door as she leans on it. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - DAY The front DOORBELL RINGS. JEANNE Come in, it's open. Tom comes in. Jeanne stares out the window. She is BATHED in sunlight. Tom LOOKS AROUND in b.g. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you like our flat? It's very light. There's a tiny room, too. It's too small for a double bed. It would be fine for a child. Fidel. That's a nice name for a boy. Fidel, as in Castro. TOM But I'd like a girl, too. Rosa. As in Rosa Luxemburg. Less famous, but I like it. You know, I wanted to film you every day. In the morning, when you wake up, in the evening, when you sleep. When you first smile, and I didn't film any of that. Here. He hands her FLOWERS. She REGARDS them. He circles to her front. TOM (CONT'D) Today is the last day of shooting. The film is finished. I don't like things that finish, things that end. You have to start something else right away. They EMBRACE and KISS. THAT ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Tom looks around the place. 85. TOM (CONT'D) This flat is huge! Jeanne has made her way to the DINING ROOM. TOM (CONT'D) Where are you? JEANNE I'm here! They continue shouting across the apt. TOM It's too big! We'll get lost! JEANNE Stop it! Don't start! TOM How did you find this flat? JEANNE By chance. TOM We'll change everything! Jeanne holds her ARMS OUT like a bird. JEANNE Everything! We'll change chance to destiny. TOM Go on, Jeanne. Take off! MUSIC RISES as Jeanne pretends to FLY AROUND the apt. from ROOM TO ROOM making AIRPLANE NOISES as Tom DIRECTS HER. TOM (CONT'D) Fly away, you're in heaven! You're soaring, you're in heaven! Come down, take a nose dive, come down! Make three turns, come down. Jeanne, what's happening? There's an air pocket. Tom gets SUDDENLY SERIOUS. JEANNE What's happening? 86. TOM The patches of turbulence are over. We can't play like children any more, Jeanne. This stops Jeanne in her TRACKS. They face each other. TOM (CONT'D) We're adults. JEANNE Adults? That's awful! TOM Yes. It's awful. JEANNE What do adults do? TOM I don't know. We'll have to invent the gestures and the words. For example, adults... He walks slowly toward her. They EMBRACE PASSIONATELY. They kiss. He breaks away again, SERIOUS. TOM (CONT'D) But there's one thing I do know. Adults are calm... He walks backward as Jeanne STALKS HIM. TOM (CONT'D) ...serious, logical, measured, level-headed... JEANNE Yes... TOM And... they face up to problems... JEANNE ...Yes, yes. Yes, yes. He STOPS ABRUPTLY. 87. TOM You see, Jeanne, this flat won't work for us. This flat, it won't work for us, Jeanne. JEANNE Where are you going? TOM To look for a flat. He walks out to a SHOCKED Jeanne. JEANNE What kind of flat? But he COMES BACK. TOM A flat we can live in. JEANNE We can live here. TOM It's squalid. It smells. It makes me sick.

gate

How many times the word 'gate' appears in the text?

COMES... PAUL You... You... You... You f... You... fucking... fucking... family. You fucking... family! Oh, God... Jesus. Oh, you... Oh... 58. He COLLAPSES on her, SPENT as she continues to WEEP. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - THAT MOMENT A TRAIN ROARS by on the TRAIN BRIDGE. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM Paul is SLEEPING on the floor amidst the BREAD AND BUTTER. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - MOMENTS LATER Another couple of TRAINS go by. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - LATER Paul SLEEPS more. On his STOMACH now, with his foot on a piece of FURNITURE. Jeanne puts a record on the RECORD PLAYER she brought with her. She goes to plug it into the FLOOR PLUG but gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. JEANNE Shit! She looks at him sleeping. JEANNE (CONT'D) Hey, you! He looks at her UPSIDE DOWN. JEANNE (CONT'D) Yes, you! PAUL Huh? JEANNE I've got a surprise for you. 59. PAUL What? He looks at himself in a SMALL MIRROR. JEANNE I've got a surprise for you! PAUL That's good. I like surprises. He FLIPS HIMSELF over backwards onto his feet. He walks over to her and the RECORD PLAYER. He stares down at her. PAUL (CONT'D) What is it? JEANNE Music. But I don't know how to work it. He sits on the FLOOR next to her. He plugs in the RECORD PLAYER. He JUMPS as he gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. Jeanne is secretly amused. PAUL Do you enjoy that? He gets the RECORD PLAYING. It's some 70's HIPPY MUSIC. Jeanne sways to it while Paul reads the JACKET COVER. CUT TO: EXT. PASSY VIADUCT PARK - DAY HIPPIE MUSIC CONTINUES Tom and Jeanne sit, ROMANTICALLY ENTWINED on a SEA WALL while his FILM CREW films in the b.g. They sit FACE TO FACE, he holds her shoulders and stares into her eyes. TOM Do you know why I sent the others away? JEANNE Because you're angry, or you want to be alone with me? 60. TOM And why do I want to be alone with you? JEANNE You have something really serious to tell me. He plays with her hair. TOM I have something really very serious to tell you. JEANNE Is it happy or sad? TOM It's a secret. JEANNE So it's happy. What sort of secret? TOM A secret... As his FILM CREW dolly around them in the b.g., his SOUND PERSON yells at them. SOUND PERSON Speak up! I can't hear anything. TOM ...between a man and a woman. JEANNE Is it dirty or is it about love? TOM About love. But that's not all. JEANNE A secret about love, but which isn't love. What is it?! He puts a LIFE PRESERVER over her. TOM Voila. That in a week I'm marrying you. JEANNE What? 61. TOM I'm marrying you. JEANNE What?! TOM I'm marrying you! JEANNE You're marrying me? TOM Yes! JEANNE We're getting married? TOM Yes we're getting married. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE No! TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM No. Are we getting married or not? JEANNE I don't know. 62. TOM So, yes, then? JEANNE Yes! TOM No! JEANNE Yes! TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes or no? She take the life preserver off and THROWS IT IN THE WATER. Together, they WATCH IT SINK. CUT TO: EXT. JEANNE'S MOTHERS APT. - PORCH - DAY JEANNE'S MOTHER beats the dirt off her LATE HUSBANDS MILITARY JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'll send everything to the country. What do you think, Jeanne? INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne tries on another of her FATHERS MILITARY UNIFORMS complete with HAT. JEANNE Olympia will be happy. I went there yesterday with Tom. Her mother joins her inside. She carries the FATHERS BOOTS. JEANNE (CONT'D) She's preparing a family museum. 63. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'm not sending the boots. I'm keeping them with me. I get strange shivers when I touch them. Jeanne goes into an ADJOINING ROOM while her mom continues reflecting, IRONING the JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER (CONT'D) All these military things never age. She looks up just in time to see that Jeanne has found her fathers gun and is pointing it in her direction. JEANNE When I was little, it seemed really heavy when Papa taught me how to shoot. JEANNE'S MOTHER I'm keeping that here. In a respectable household, it's useful to have a weapon. JEANNE You don't even know how to use it. JEANNE'S MOTHER The important thing is to have one. It makes an impression. JEANNE You really kept everything of Papa's. She shows her mom a picture she has scrounged up from her FATHERS WALLET of a TOPLESS NEGRO FEMALE. JEANNE (CONT'D) Who's that? His orderly? JEANNE'S MOTHER A fine example of a Berber. JEANNE Oh. 64. JEANNE'S MOTHER A strong race. I tried to employ them as servants, but it was disastrous. 'm glad I decided to send everything to the country. All his things were piling up and piling up. JEANNE Don't worry. You'll soon have all the space you want. JEANNE'S MOTHER What does that mean? JEANNE Nothing. She takes off the HAT and JACKET and throws them on the sofa. She heads to the FRONT DOOR with MOM FOLLOWING, on pins and needles. JEANNE (CONT'D) Madame, the colonel's lady, I announce... Mom RUNS IN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What? JEANNE On this solemn day... She goes out the door... JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What solemn day? She RUNS AFTER her daughter. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne is on the ELEVATOR. She sticks her head out. JEANNE I'm getting married in a week! She shuts the door and HEADS DOWN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What did you say? 65. Mom follows her down STEP FOR STEP. JEANNE To Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER Pardon? JEANNE Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER What are you doing in a week? CUT TO: EXT. OUTDOOR SHOP BAZAAR - DAY Tom and his FILM CREW film Jeanne trying on wedding dresses. He COUNTS DOWN to the shot. TOM Five... two! He does the CLAPPER with his hands. Jeanne and her HOST OF DRESSERS is lost in her fittings. TOM (CONT'D) Move into shot! We're shooting! They move into the center of the shop. We get another look at Jeanne's LEFT BREAST as it slips out of the dress being fitted. Tom fires off QUESTIONS for film purposes. TOM (CONT'D) So,... how do you see marriage? JEANNE Marriage? TOM Yes. Jeanne gives her upbeat EXTISTENTIAL RESPONSES as her fitting continues. JEANNE I see it everywhere. All the time. 66. TOM What do you mean, everywhere? JEANNE On walls. On buildings. TOM Walls and buildings? JEANNE Yes, on advertising hoardings. TOM What are they selling? Cars. Tinned meat. Cigarettes. JEANNE No. They're all about young couples. Before marriage, no children. Then the same couple, married with children. In short, marriage. The perfect, ideal, successful marriage. It's no longer the preserve of the Church. The husband was burdened with responsibilities and the wife nagged. Now, weddings in advertising smile! TOM They smile. On posters. JEANNE On posters, of course. But why t take poster marriage seriously? Marriage... Pop marriage! Tom comes out from under a DRESS. TOM Pop? That's the formula. For pop youth, pop marriage! But... what if the pop marriage doesn't work? JEANNE Then you have to fix it like you would a car. The spouses are two workers in overalls bending over an engine to fix it. TOM And in case of adultery what happens to the pop marriage? 67. JEANNE In that case, there are three or four workers. TOM What about love? Is love pop? JEANNE No. That's not. Love isn't pop. TOM Love isn't pop. So what is it? JEANNE The workers retire to a secret flat, take off their overalls and become men and women again and make love. The fussing on the dress is finished. Jeanne slowly, PUTS ON HER GLOVES, relishing them. She STRUTS slowly for all to stare and LAVISH her in her dress. Tom is CAPTIVATED. TOM You're wonderful. JEANNE It's the dress that makes the bride. TOM You're better than Rita Hayworth. He wanders out into the street. It is RAINING HEAVILY. Better than Joan Crawford! Better than Kim Novak! Better than Lauren Bacall! Better than Ava Gardner when she was Mickey Rooney's lover! Hes FILM CREW scatters for cover. TOM (CONT'D) What are you doing? Stop! Stop, but keep filming! Why aren't you filming in the rain? CREW 1 You're crazy! 68. They huddle underneath the DOOR of the FILM TRUCK. Tom has lost Jeanne in all the HUBUB. He is disgusted with his CREW. TOM You're all fired! He goes back to the SHOP. TOM (CONT'D) Where's Jeanne? DRESSER 1 She must have run off. TOM When? ln the rain? He runs down the street in the rain looking for her. JEANNE Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LOBBY - DAY Paul comes POINDING in from the rain. He STOMPS the water off his shoes. He breaks into an IMPROMPTU SOFT SHOE. He opens the gate to the ELEVATOR and gets on. He pushes the button. The elevator STARTS UP. JEANNE'S VOICE Please forgive me! Paul stops the elevator. He SENDS IT BACK DOWN. We see Jeanne has been waiting on the ADJACENT STAIRS for Paul. She is still in her WEDDING DRESS. She implores Paul from outside the elevator. JEANNE (FRENCH) Forgive me! I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. (ENGLISH) I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. I can't. I can't leave you, do you understand? 69. She stands, PLEADING at the ELEVATOR. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you still want me? Paul does the EYEBROW TRILL. He opens the elevator so she can get on. ELEVATOR As it ascends, Jeanne slowly RAISES HER DRESS, revealing NO UNDERWEAR and her AMPLE BUSH to Paul. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - ENTRANCE - MOMENTS LATER The door flies open. Paul comes in CARRYING Jeanne in his arms. PAUL Voil ! He starts doing a JIG AND SONG... all the way to the MATTRESSES. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh, there once was a man And he had an old sow ow! Hi-diddle- dow... He puts her on the bed. She is GIGGLING. PAUL (CONT'D) You're wet. Paul pats her stomach and leaves the room. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Paul opens the curtains. Jeanne's SCREAMS come from the other room. He goes to investigate. PAUL (CONT'D) What the hell? BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne screams BLOODY MURDER and points to a DEAD RAT on the STILL UNMADE MATTRESS. 70. PAUL (CONT'D) A rat. Only a rat. He PICKS IT UP by the tail. She stumbles over herself to get away. PAUL (CONT'D) There are more rats in Paris than people. Yum, yum, yum. He holds it out, OFFERING IT to her. She freaks. She runs to the other side of the room. JEANNE I want to go! He brings it to her... she continues to BACK PEDDLE. PAUL Wait, wait! Don't you want a bite first? You don't want to run and eat. JEANNE This is the end! He points to the ASS of the RAT. PAUL No, this is the end... Then points to the HEAD. PAUL (CONT'D) ...but I like to start with the head. That's the best part. Are you sure you won't have any? OK. He DANGLES IT over his mouth, flitting his tounge, pretending to eat it. She is gonna HURL. PAUL (CONT'D) What's the matter? You don't dig rat? JEANNE I wanna go! I can't make love in this bed any more. I can't. It's disgusting! Nauseating! PAUL Well, we'll fuck on the radiator or standing on the mantel. 71. He holds up the RAT again. PAUL (CONT'D) Listen, I gotta get some mayonnaise for this. Because, it really is good with mayonnaise. He heads out, then stops and LOOKS BACK AT HER. PAUL (CONT'D) I'll save the asshole for you. He really leaves this time. PAUL'S VOICE Rat's asshole with mayonnaise! He LAUGHS at himself. Jeanne is a BASKET CASE. She sits on her HAUNCHES, muttering. JEANNE I want to get out of here. I want to go. I can't stand it here any more. Yes. I'm going. She gets up, gets her purse and goes to the door. We see her ASS through the SHEER FABRIC of her wedding dress. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm not coming back... ever. She gets to the... FRONT DOOR Paul is there, WAITING, NONCHALANT. PAUL Quo vadis, baby? JEANNE I forgot to tell you something. I fell in love with somebody. PAUL Oh, isn't that wonderful? You know, you're going to have to get out of these wet duds. He PATS HER ASS. JEANNE I'm going to make love with him! 72. She opens the door but he closes it. She STOMPS into the HALL. PAUL Well, first you have to take a hot bath. Cos if you don't... He walks toward her. PAUL (CONT'D) ...you're gonna get pneumonia, right? Huh? She STOMPS a few more steps toward the BATHROOM. PAUL (CONT'D) And then you know what happens? You get pneumonia, then you know what happens? You die. And then, you know what happens when you die? I get to fuck the dead rat! He THROWS HER OVER his shoulder and carries her KICKING AND SCREAMING into the... CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM Jeanne is in the BATHTUB. Paul sits on the BIDET behind her with a WASHCLOTH. PAUL Give me the soap. She does. JEANNE I'm in love. PAUL You're in love? He shoves her head UNDER THE WATER. PAUL (CONT'D) How delightful. She comes up ANGRY. JEANNE I'm in love! I'm in love, you understand? 73. He SMACKS her with the washcloth on the head. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm in love, I'm in love! He SHOVES HER under again. JEANNE (CONT'D) Oh! I'm in love! He HITS HER on the head with her own shoe. She just gets more ANGRY. JEANNE (CONT'D) You know, you're old! You're getting fat. PAUL Fat, is it? How unkind. JEANNE Half of your hair is out and the other half is almost white. He smacks her in the mouth with the wash cloth, she smiles. PAUL In ten years, you'll be playing soccer with your tits. He starts WASHING HER back. PAUL (CONT'D) What do you think of that? You know what I'm gonna be doing? JEANNE You will be on a... wheelchair! PAUL Well, maybe. But, you know... I'll be smirking and giggling all the way to eternity. JEANNE How poetic. But please, before you go, wash my feet. She holds up A FOOT. PAUL OK. oblesse oblige. 74. He sits on the edge of the TUB and grabs her foot. He takes a sniff... She pulls it away. JEANNE You know, he and I, we make love. He WASHES her foot. PAUL Oh, really? That's wonderful. Is he a good fucker? JEANNE Magnificent. He puts up the OTHER FOOT to was, he obliges again. PAUL You know, you're a jerk. Cos the best fucking you're gonna get is right here in this apartment. Stand up. She does. He washes her ASS. JEANNE He is full of mysteries. PAUL Give me the soap. Listen, you dumb dodo. All the mysteries that you're ever gonna know in life are right here. He washes her STOMACH. JEANNE He is like everybody but... at the same time he's different. PAUL You mean, like everybody. JEANNE Yeah, but... even he fright me. Even he frightens me. PAUL What is he, your local pimp? JEANNE He could be. He looks it. You know why I'm in love with him? 75. PAUL I can't wait. JEANNE Because he know. He know how to make me fall in love with him. She gets out. He COVERS her with a BIG RED TOWEL. PAUL You want this man you love to protect and take care of you. JEANNE Yeah. PAUL You want this golden, shining, powerful warrior to build a fortress where you can hide in. So you don't have to ever... have... You don't ever have to be afraid. You don't have to feel lonely or empty. That's what you want, isn't it? JEANNE Yes. PAUL Well, you'll never find it. JEANNE But I find this man. PAUL Then it won't be long until he'll want you to build a fortress for him out of your tits and out of your cunt and your hair and your smile and the way you smell. And... and some place where he can feel comfortable and secure enough so that he can worship in front of the altar of his own prick. JEANNE But I find this man! They lean against SEPERATE WALLS. 76. PAUL No, you're alone. You're all alone. You won't be free of that feeling of being alone until you look death right in the face. I mean, that sounds like bullshit, some romantic crap, until you go right up into the ass of death. Right up in his ass... till you find the womb of fear. And then,... maybe... Maybe then, you'll be able to find him. JEANNE But I find this man. He's you! You are that man! Paul doesn't like that comment. He needs to TEACH HER another LESSON. He bites a HANGNAIL. PAUL Get me the scissors. JEANNE What? PAUL Get me the fingernail scissors. She STOMPS past him to get them, hands them to him. PAUL (CONT'D) No. I want you to cut the fingernails on your right hand, these two. She DOES. JEANNE That's it. He stands FACING the wall and PULLS HIS pants down. PAUL I want you to put your fingers up my ass. JEANNE What? PAUL Put your fingers up my ass, are you deaf? Go on. I'm gonna get a pig... and I'm... I'm gonna have the pig fuck you. (MORE) 77. PAUL (CONT'D) I want the pig to vomit in your face and I want you to swallow the vomit. Are you gonna do that for me? JEANNE Yeah. PAUL Huh? JEANNE Yeah! PAUL I want the pig to die while... while you're fucking him. Then you'll have to go behind him. I want you to smell the dying farts of the pig. Are you gonna do all of that for me? JEANNE Yes, and more than that! And worse! And worse than before. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - TEMPORARY VIEWING ROOM - DAY ROSA'S WAKE. Rosa's mother has set up a room in the Hotel as a VIEWING ROOM for her daughter. She is, as promised, surrounded by TONS OF FLOWERS. Paul comes in and pulls up a chair next to ROSA. He turns on the LIGHT. PAUL You look ridiculous in that make- up. Like the caricature of a whore. A little touch of Mommy in the night. Fake Ophelia drowned in the bathtub. I wish you could see yourself. You'd really laugh. You're your mother's masterpiece. He pulls the chair closer to her. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh Christ! There are too many fucking flowers in this place. I can't breathe. You know on the top of the closet? (MORE) 78. PAUL (CONT'D) The cardboard box, I found all your... I found all your little goodies. Pens, keychains, foreign money, French ticklers, the whole shot. Even a clergyman's collar. I didn't know you collected all those little knick-knacks left behind. Even if the husband lives fucking years, he's never going to be able to discover his wife's real nature. I mean, I... I might be able to comprehend the universe, but... 'll never discover the truth bout you. Never. I mean, who the hell were you? Remember that day, the first day I was there? I knew that I couldn't get into your pants unless I said... What did I say? Oh, yeah. "May I have my bill, please? I have to leave." Remember? Last night... I ripped off the lights on your mother. And the whole joint went bananas. All your... guests... as you used to call them... Well, I guess that includes me, doesn't it? It does include me, doesn't it? For five years, I was more a guest in this fucking flophouse than a husband. With privileges, of course. And then, to help me understand you, you let me inherit Marcel. The husband's double, whose room was the double of ours. And you know what? I didn't even have the guts to ask him. Didn't have the guts to ask him if the same numbers you and I did were the same numbers you did with him. Our marriage was nothing more than a foxhole for you. And all it took for you to get out was a -cent razor and a tub full of water. You cheap, goddamn, fucking, godforsaken whore. I hope you rot in hell. You're worse than the dirtiest street pig anybody could find, and you know why? You know why? Because you lied. You lied to me and I trusted you. You lied. You knew you were lying! Go on, tell me you didn't lie. Haven't you got anything to say about that? You can think up something, can't you? (MORE) 79. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me something! Smile, you cunt! He STARTS to WEEP. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me... Tell me something sweet. Smile at me and say I just misunderstood. Go on, tell me. You pig-fucker! You goddamn, fucking, pig-fucking liar. Rosa, I'm sorry... I just can't... I can't stand it... to see these goddamn things on your face. You never wore make-up. This fucking shit. I'm gonna take this off your mouth. This lipstick... Rosa... Oh, God! He COLLAPSES on her, SOBBING. PAUL (CONT'D) I'm sorry. I don't know why you did it. I'd do it too, if I knew how. I just don't know how. I have to... I have to find a way. [OC] We hear a voice. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Is anyone there? PAUL What? PROSTITUTE'S VOICE There was a noise in there! PAUL All right, I'm... I'm coming. (back to ROSA) I have to go. I have to go, sweetheart, baby. Somebody's calling me. He starts to the door. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Well? Is anyone there? PAUL Yeah. I'm coming. CUT TO: 80. INT. HOTEL - ENTRANCE - DAY Outside the FRONT DOOR, the source of the voice, a WORN OUT and OLD PROSTITUTE. She is with her JOHN. PROSTITUTE (TO JOHN) Here he is. (TO PAUL) Hurry up! Wake up! Open up! Open up! PAUL It's four in the morning. PROSTITUTE I need room four for a while. (TO JOHN) Half an hour? (TO PAUL) Yes, that'll do. Yes, half an hour. PAUL We're full. She knocks on the door, INCESANTLY. PROSTITUTE That's not true. When you're full, you put a sign outside. I know the hotel. I'm sick of arguing out on the street. Call the owner. What are you waiting for? The owner has never made a fuss. Rosa and I are old friends. Open up. Paul opens up. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Don't make any trouble or I'll tell your boss. (TO JOHN) Come in, it's all sorted... But the man has LEFT. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) You've won. He's taken off. PAUL I'm very sorry. PROSTITUTE Hurry up! He can't be far away. 81. She PUSHES him out to the street. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Make him come back. Tell him he can't just walk off. She SHOVES HIM out the door and DOWN THE STREET. Paul CHASES the man on foot for BLOCKS and BLOCKS. He finally CATCHES UP to him in a --- CUT TO: EXT. PARIS STREET - ALLEY - MORNING The JOHN figures he has gotten away. He reverses his TRENCH COAT to the appropriate side. Paul comes around the corner. The John doesn't see any HOSTILITY coming. But it DOES. JOHN Oh,... please don't tell her you found me. I don't fancy it any more. Did you see her face? Once, my wife satisfied me. But now she's got a skin disease. It's like snakeskin. Put yourself in my place. Paul grabs him by the tie and drags him. PAUL Come. Come with me. The man FIGHTS BACK. JOHN But... Let go of me! Paul doesn't like that. He ROUGHS HIM UP, throwing him from WALL TO WALL. JOHN (CONT'D) You're crazy! Let go of me! Let go! He ends up on the ground MINUS HIS COAT. Paul KICKS HIM IN THE ASS like a dog. PAUL Get the fuck out of here! 82. The man RUNS OFF. PAUL (CONT'D) Faggot! Paul heads back up the ALLEY as the man CONTINUES OFF in the f.g. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - PAUL AND ROSA'S ROOM - DAY Paul lays down on his TWIN BED with his ROBE on over his clothes. We see that his BAGS ARE PACKED. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - BEDROOM - DAY We see that the mattress is gone. Only a pile of sheets and pillows remain in the room. Jeanne is on the floor, on her knees, doubled over in SICK GRIEF. PAUL HAS MOVED OUT. JEANNE No! She WANDERS through the apt., GRIEF STRICKEN, from room to room. We see only a FEW BELONGINGS left around. Shoes, the CAT (where was it for the "rat problem"?) and phone. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne RIPS THE SHEET OFF the piece of furniture that has been COVERED UP all along. We all wondered what was underneath that was so precious. It's nothing special. She COLLAPSES in grief again, the furniture falling on her, she KICKS IT OFF. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - FRONT DESK - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne talks to the CRAZY Concierge from BEFORE. Her head STUCK through the LITTLE WINDOW while the crazy woman PUFFS a cig. 83. JEANNE Try and remember! The man from the fourth floor. He moved in a few days ago. CONCIERGE I told you, I don't know anyone. They come and go. The man on the fourth, the woman on the first. What do I know? She gives a CRAZY CACKLE. JEANNE Where did they take the furniture too? It's empty. Where do you send his mail? Give me his address. CONCIERGE I don't have it. I don't know these people. JEANNE Not even his name? CONCIERGE Nothing! Jeanne STORMS OUT. CONCIERGE (CONT'D) Ma'zelle! CUT TO: INT. PAYPHONE BOOTH - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne is on the payphone in the bar from before. She speaks to Tom. Still DESPONDENT, tears stream down her face. JEANNE I've found a flat for us. 1 rue Jules Verne. Yes. In Passy. Come quickly! You'll come now? Do you know where it is? I'll wait for you. Come over. She struggles to HANG UP THE PHONE through her grief. She BREAKS DOWN, closing the door for privacy. 84. We can SEE HER through the door as she leans on it. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - DAY The front DOORBELL RINGS. JEANNE Come in, it's open. Tom comes in. Jeanne stares out the window. She is BATHED in sunlight. Tom LOOKS AROUND in b.g. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you like our flat? It's very light. There's a tiny room, too. It's too small for a double bed. It would be fine for a child. Fidel. That's a nice name for a boy. Fidel, as in Castro. TOM But I'd like a girl, too. Rosa. As in Rosa Luxemburg. Less famous, but I like it. You know, I wanted to film you every day. In the morning, when you wake up, in the evening, when you sleep. When you first smile, and I didn't film any of that. Here. He hands her FLOWERS. She REGARDS them. He circles to her front. TOM (CONT'D) Today is the last day of shooting. The film is finished. I don't like things that finish, things that end. You have to start something else right away. They EMBRACE and KISS. THAT ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Tom looks around the place. 85. TOM (CONT'D) This flat is huge! Jeanne has made her way to the DINING ROOM. TOM (CONT'D) Where are you? JEANNE I'm here! They continue shouting across the apt. TOM It's too big! We'll get lost! JEANNE Stop it! Don't start! TOM How did you find this flat? JEANNE By chance. TOM We'll change everything! Jeanne holds her ARMS OUT like a bird. JEANNE Everything! We'll change chance to destiny. TOM Go on, Jeanne. Take off! MUSIC RISES as Jeanne pretends to FLY AROUND the apt. from ROOM TO ROOM making AIRPLANE NOISES as Tom DIRECTS HER. TOM (CONT'D) Fly away, you're in heaven! You're soaring, you're in heaven! Come down, take a nose dive, come down! Make three turns, come down. Jeanne, what's happening? There's an air pocket. Tom gets SUDDENLY SERIOUS. JEANNE What's happening? 86. TOM The patches of turbulence are over. We can't play like children any more, Jeanne. This stops Jeanne in her TRACKS. They face each other. TOM (CONT'D) We're adults. JEANNE Adults? That's awful! TOM Yes. It's awful. JEANNE What do adults do? TOM I don't know. We'll have to invent the gestures and the words. For example, adults... He walks slowly toward her. They EMBRACE PASSIONATELY. They kiss. He breaks away again, SERIOUS. TOM (CONT'D) But there's one thing I do know. Adults are calm... He walks backward as Jeanne STALKS HIM. TOM (CONT'D) ...serious, logical, measured, level-headed... JEANNE Yes... TOM And... they face up to problems... JEANNE ...Yes, yes. Yes, yes. He STOPS ABRUPTLY. 87. TOM You see, Jeanne, this flat won't work for us. This flat, it won't work for us, Jeanne. JEANNE Where are you going? TOM To look for a flat. He walks out to a SHOCKED Jeanne. JEANNE What kind of flat? But he COMES BACK. TOM A flat we can live in. JEANNE We can live here. TOM It's squalid. It smells. It makes me sick.

fussing

How many times the word 'fussing' appears in the text?

COMES... PAUL You... You... You... You f... You... fucking... fucking... family. You fucking... family! Oh, God... Jesus. Oh, you... Oh... 58. He COLLAPSES on her, SPENT as she continues to WEEP. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - THAT MOMENT A TRAIN ROARS by on the TRAIN BRIDGE. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM Paul is SLEEPING on the floor amidst the BREAD AND BUTTER. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - MOMENTS LATER Another couple of TRAINS go by. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - LATER Paul SLEEPS more. On his STOMACH now, with his foot on a piece of FURNITURE. Jeanne puts a record on the RECORD PLAYER she brought with her. She goes to plug it into the FLOOR PLUG but gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. JEANNE Shit! She looks at him sleeping. JEANNE (CONT'D) Hey, you! He looks at her UPSIDE DOWN. JEANNE (CONT'D) Yes, you! PAUL Huh? JEANNE I've got a surprise for you. 59. PAUL What? He looks at himself in a SMALL MIRROR. JEANNE I've got a surprise for you! PAUL That's good. I like surprises. He FLIPS HIMSELF over backwards onto his feet. He walks over to her and the RECORD PLAYER. He stares down at her. PAUL (CONT'D) What is it? JEANNE Music. But I don't know how to work it. He sits on the FLOOR next to her. He plugs in the RECORD PLAYER. He JUMPS as he gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. Jeanne is secretly amused. PAUL Do you enjoy that? He gets the RECORD PLAYING. It's some 70's HIPPY MUSIC. Jeanne sways to it while Paul reads the JACKET COVER. CUT TO: EXT. PASSY VIADUCT PARK - DAY HIPPIE MUSIC CONTINUES Tom and Jeanne sit, ROMANTICALLY ENTWINED on a SEA WALL while his FILM CREW films in the b.g. They sit FACE TO FACE, he holds her shoulders and stares into her eyes. TOM Do you know why I sent the others away? JEANNE Because you're angry, or you want to be alone with me? 60. TOM And why do I want to be alone with you? JEANNE You have something really serious to tell me. He plays with her hair. TOM I have something really very serious to tell you. JEANNE Is it happy or sad? TOM It's a secret. JEANNE So it's happy. What sort of secret? TOM A secret... As his FILM CREW dolly around them in the b.g., his SOUND PERSON yells at them. SOUND PERSON Speak up! I can't hear anything. TOM ...between a man and a woman. JEANNE Is it dirty or is it about love? TOM About love. But that's not all. JEANNE A secret about love, but which isn't love. What is it?! He puts a LIFE PRESERVER over her. TOM Voila. That in a week I'm marrying you. JEANNE What? 61. TOM I'm marrying you. JEANNE What?! TOM I'm marrying you! JEANNE You're marrying me? TOM Yes! JEANNE We're getting married? TOM Yes we're getting married. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE No! TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM No. Are we getting married or not? JEANNE I don't know. 62. TOM So, yes, then? JEANNE Yes! TOM No! JEANNE Yes! TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes or no? She take the life preserver off and THROWS IT IN THE WATER. Together, they WATCH IT SINK. CUT TO: EXT. JEANNE'S MOTHERS APT. - PORCH - DAY JEANNE'S MOTHER beats the dirt off her LATE HUSBANDS MILITARY JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'll send everything to the country. What do you think, Jeanne? INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne tries on another of her FATHERS MILITARY UNIFORMS complete with HAT. JEANNE Olympia will be happy. I went there yesterday with Tom. Her mother joins her inside. She carries the FATHERS BOOTS. JEANNE (CONT'D) She's preparing a family museum. 63. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'm not sending the boots. I'm keeping them with me. I get strange shivers when I touch them. Jeanne goes into an ADJOINING ROOM while her mom continues reflecting, IRONING the JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER (CONT'D) All these military things never age. She looks up just in time to see that Jeanne has found her fathers gun and is pointing it in her direction. JEANNE When I was little, it seemed really heavy when Papa taught me how to shoot. JEANNE'S MOTHER I'm keeping that here. In a respectable household, it's useful to have a weapon. JEANNE You don't even know how to use it. JEANNE'S MOTHER The important thing is to have one. It makes an impression. JEANNE You really kept everything of Papa's. She shows her mom a picture she has scrounged up from her FATHERS WALLET of a TOPLESS NEGRO FEMALE. JEANNE (CONT'D) Who's that? His orderly? JEANNE'S MOTHER A fine example of a Berber. JEANNE Oh. 64. JEANNE'S MOTHER A strong race. I tried to employ them as servants, but it was disastrous. 'm glad I decided to send everything to the country. All his things were piling up and piling up. JEANNE Don't worry. You'll soon have all the space you want. JEANNE'S MOTHER What does that mean? JEANNE Nothing. She takes off the HAT and JACKET and throws them on the sofa. She heads to the FRONT DOOR with MOM FOLLOWING, on pins and needles. JEANNE (CONT'D) Madame, the colonel's lady, I announce... Mom RUNS IN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What? JEANNE On this solemn day... She goes out the door... JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What solemn day? She RUNS AFTER her daughter. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne is on the ELEVATOR. She sticks her head out. JEANNE I'm getting married in a week! She shuts the door and HEADS DOWN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What did you say? 65. Mom follows her down STEP FOR STEP. JEANNE To Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER Pardon? JEANNE Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER What are you doing in a week? CUT TO: EXT. OUTDOOR SHOP BAZAAR - DAY Tom and his FILM CREW film Jeanne trying on wedding dresses. He COUNTS DOWN to the shot. TOM Five... two! He does the CLAPPER with his hands. Jeanne and her HOST OF DRESSERS is lost in her fittings. TOM (CONT'D) Move into shot! We're shooting! They move into the center of the shop. We get another look at Jeanne's LEFT BREAST as it slips out of the dress being fitted. Tom fires off QUESTIONS for film purposes. TOM (CONT'D) So,... how do you see marriage? JEANNE Marriage? TOM Yes. Jeanne gives her upbeat EXTISTENTIAL RESPONSES as her fitting continues. JEANNE I see it everywhere. All the time. 66. TOM What do you mean, everywhere? JEANNE On walls. On buildings. TOM Walls and buildings? JEANNE Yes, on advertising hoardings. TOM What are they selling? Cars. Tinned meat. Cigarettes. JEANNE No. They're all about young couples. Before marriage, no children. Then the same couple, married with children. In short, marriage. The perfect, ideal, successful marriage. It's no longer the preserve of the Church. The husband was burdened with responsibilities and the wife nagged. Now, weddings in advertising smile! TOM They smile. On posters. JEANNE On posters, of course. But why t take poster marriage seriously? Marriage... Pop marriage! Tom comes out from under a DRESS. TOM Pop? That's the formula. For pop youth, pop marriage! But... what if the pop marriage doesn't work? JEANNE Then you have to fix it like you would a car. The spouses are two workers in overalls bending over an engine to fix it. TOM And in case of adultery what happens to the pop marriage? 67. JEANNE In that case, there are three or four workers. TOM What about love? Is love pop? JEANNE No. That's not. Love isn't pop. TOM Love isn't pop. So what is it? JEANNE The workers retire to a secret flat, take off their overalls and become men and women again and make love. The fussing on the dress is finished. Jeanne slowly, PUTS ON HER GLOVES, relishing them. She STRUTS slowly for all to stare and LAVISH her in her dress. Tom is CAPTIVATED. TOM You're wonderful. JEANNE It's the dress that makes the bride. TOM You're better than Rita Hayworth. He wanders out into the street. It is RAINING HEAVILY. Better than Joan Crawford! Better than Kim Novak! Better than Lauren Bacall! Better than Ava Gardner when she was Mickey Rooney's lover! Hes FILM CREW scatters for cover. TOM (CONT'D) What are you doing? Stop! Stop, but keep filming! Why aren't you filming in the rain? CREW 1 You're crazy! 68. They huddle underneath the DOOR of the FILM TRUCK. Tom has lost Jeanne in all the HUBUB. He is disgusted with his CREW. TOM You're all fired! He goes back to the SHOP. TOM (CONT'D) Where's Jeanne? DRESSER 1 She must have run off. TOM When? ln the rain? He runs down the street in the rain looking for her. JEANNE Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LOBBY - DAY Paul comes POINDING in from the rain. He STOMPS the water off his shoes. He breaks into an IMPROMPTU SOFT SHOE. He opens the gate to the ELEVATOR and gets on. He pushes the button. The elevator STARTS UP. JEANNE'S VOICE Please forgive me! Paul stops the elevator. He SENDS IT BACK DOWN. We see Jeanne has been waiting on the ADJACENT STAIRS for Paul. She is still in her WEDDING DRESS. She implores Paul from outside the elevator. JEANNE (FRENCH) Forgive me! I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. (ENGLISH) I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. I can't. I can't leave you, do you understand? 69. She stands, PLEADING at the ELEVATOR. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you still want me? Paul does the EYEBROW TRILL. He opens the elevator so she can get on. ELEVATOR As it ascends, Jeanne slowly RAISES HER DRESS, revealing NO UNDERWEAR and her AMPLE BUSH to Paul. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - ENTRANCE - MOMENTS LATER The door flies open. Paul comes in CARRYING Jeanne in his arms. PAUL Voil ! He starts doing a JIG AND SONG... all the way to the MATTRESSES. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh, there once was a man And he had an old sow ow! Hi-diddle- dow... He puts her on the bed. She is GIGGLING. PAUL (CONT'D) You're wet. Paul pats her stomach and leaves the room. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Paul opens the curtains. Jeanne's SCREAMS come from the other room. He goes to investigate. PAUL (CONT'D) What the hell? BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne screams BLOODY MURDER and points to a DEAD RAT on the STILL UNMADE MATTRESS. 70. PAUL (CONT'D) A rat. Only a rat. He PICKS IT UP by the tail. She stumbles over herself to get away. PAUL (CONT'D) There are more rats in Paris than people. Yum, yum, yum. He holds it out, OFFERING IT to her. She freaks. She runs to the other side of the room. JEANNE I want to go! He brings it to her... she continues to BACK PEDDLE. PAUL Wait, wait! Don't you want a bite first? You don't want to run and eat. JEANNE This is the end! He points to the ASS of the RAT. PAUL No, this is the end... Then points to the HEAD. PAUL (CONT'D) ...but I like to start with the head. That's the best part. Are you sure you won't have any? OK. He DANGLES IT over his mouth, flitting his tounge, pretending to eat it. She is gonna HURL. PAUL (CONT'D) What's the matter? You don't dig rat? JEANNE I wanna go! I can't make love in this bed any more. I can't. It's disgusting! Nauseating! PAUL Well, we'll fuck on the radiator or standing on the mantel. 71. He holds up the RAT again. PAUL (CONT'D) Listen, I gotta get some mayonnaise for this. Because, it really is good with mayonnaise. He heads out, then stops and LOOKS BACK AT HER. PAUL (CONT'D) I'll save the asshole for you. He really leaves this time. PAUL'S VOICE Rat's asshole with mayonnaise! He LAUGHS at himself. Jeanne is a BASKET CASE. She sits on her HAUNCHES, muttering. JEANNE I want to get out of here. I want to go. I can't stand it here any more. Yes. I'm going. She gets up, gets her purse and goes to the door. We see her ASS through the SHEER FABRIC of her wedding dress. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm not coming back... ever. She gets to the... FRONT DOOR Paul is there, WAITING, NONCHALANT. PAUL Quo vadis, baby? JEANNE I forgot to tell you something. I fell in love with somebody. PAUL Oh, isn't that wonderful? You know, you're going to have to get out of these wet duds. He PATS HER ASS. JEANNE I'm going to make love with him! 72. She opens the door but he closes it. She STOMPS into the HALL. PAUL Well, first you have to take a hot bath. Cos if you don't... He walks toward her. PAUL (CONT'D) ...you're gonna get pneumonia, right? Huh? She STOMPS a few more steps toward the BATHROOM. PAUL (CONT'D) And then you know what happens? You get pneumonia, then you know what happens? You die. And then, you know what happens when you die? I get to fuck the dead rat! He THROWS HER OVER his shoulder and carries her KICKING AND SCREAMING into the... CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM Jeanne is in the BATHTUB. Paul sits on the BIDET behind her with a WASHCLOTH. PAUL Give me the soap. She does. JEANNE I'm in love. PAUL You're in love? He shoves her head UNDER THE WATER. PAUL (CONT'D) How delightful. She comes up ANGRY. JEANNE I'm in love! I'm in love, you understand? 73. He SMACKS her with the washcloth on the head. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm in love, I'm in love! He SHOVES HER under again. JEANNE (CONT'D) Oh! I'm in love! He HITS HER on the head with her own shoe. She just gets more ANGRY. JEANNE (CONT'D) You know, you're old! You're getting fat. PAUL Fat, is it? How unkind. JEANNE Half of your hair is out and the other half is almost white. He smacks her in the mouth with the wash cloth, she smiles. PAUL In ten years, you'll be playing soccer with your tits. He starts WASHING HER back. PAUL (CONT'D) What do you think of that? You know what I'm gonna be doing? JEANNE You will be on a... wheelchair! PAUL Well, maybe. But, you know... I'll be smirking and giggling all the way to eternity. JEANNE How poetic. But please, before you go, wash my feet. She holds up A FOOT. PAUL OK. oblesse oblige. 74. He sits on the edge of the TUB and grabs her foot. He takes a sniff... She pulls it away. JEANNE You know, he and I, we make love. He WASHES her foot. PAUL Oh, really? That's wonderful. Is he a good fucker? JEANNE Magnificent. He puts up the OTHER FOOT to was, he obliges again. PAUL You know, you're a jerk. Cos the best fucking you're gonna get is right here in this apartment. Stand up. She does. He washes her ASS. JEANNE He is full of mysteries. PAUL Give me the soap. Listen, you dumb dodo. All the mysteries that you're ever gonna know in life are right here. He washes her STOMACH. JEANNE He is like everybody but... at the same time he's different. PAUL You mean, like everybody. JEANNE Yeah, but... even he fright me. Even he frightens me. PAUL What is he, your local pimp? JEANNE He could be. He looks it. You know why I'm in love with him? 75. PAUL I can't wait. JEANNE Because he know. He know how to make me fall in love with him. She gets out. He COVERS her with a BIG RED TOWEL. PAUL You want this man you love to protect and take care of you. JEANNE Yeah. PAUL You want this golden, shining, powerful warrior to build a fortress where you can hide in. So you don't have to ever... have... You don't ever have to be afraid. You don't have to feel lonely or empty. That's what you want, isn't it? JEANNE Yes. PAUL Well, you'll never find it. JEANNE But I find this man. PAUL Then it won't be long until he'll want you to build a fortress for him out of your tits and out of your cunt and your hair and your smile and the way you smell. And... and some place where he can feel comfortable and secure enough so that he can worship in front of the altar of his own prick. JEANNE But I find this man! They lean against SEPERATE WALLS. 76. PAUL No, you're alone. You're all alone. You won't be free of that feeling of being alone until you look death right in the face. I mean, that sounds like bullshit, some romantic crap, until you go right up into the ass of death. Right up in his ass... till you find the womb of fear. And then,... maybe... Maybe then, you'll be able to find him. JEANNE But I find this man. He's you! You are that man! Paul doesn't like that comment. He needs to TEACH HER another LESSON. He bites a HANGNAIL. PAUL Get me the scissors. JEANNE What? PAUL Get me the fingernail scissors. She STOMPS past him to get them, hands them to him. PAUL (CONT'D) No. I want you to cut the fingernails on your right hand, these two. She DOES. JEANNE That's it. He stands FACING the wall and PULLS HIS pants down. PAUL I want you to put your fingers up my ass. JEANNE What? PAUL Put your fingers up my ass, are you deaf? Go on. I'm gonna get a pig... and I'm... I'm gonna have the pig fuck you. (MORE) 77. PAUL (CONT'D) I want the pig to vomit in your face and I want you to swallow the vomit. Are you gonna do that for me? JEANNE Yeah. PAUL Huh? JEANNE Yeah! PAUL I want the pig to die while... while you're fucking him. Then you'll have to go behind him. I want you to smell the dying farts of the pig. Are you gonna do all of that for me? JEANNE Yes, and more than that! And worse! And worse than before. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - TEMPORARY VIEWING ROOM - DAY ROSA'S WAKE. Rosa's mother has set up a room in the Hotel as a VIEWING ROOM for her daughter. She is, as promised, surrounded by TONS OF FLOWERS. Paul comes in and pulls up a chair next to ROSA. He turns on the LIGHT. PAUL You look ridiculous in that make- up. Like the caricature of a whore. A little touch of Mommy in the night. Fake Ophelia drowned in the bathtub. I wish you could see yourself. You'd really laugh. You're your mother's masterpiece. He pulls the chair closer to her. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh Christ! There are too many fucking flowers in this place. I can't breathe. You know on the top of the closet? (MORE) 78. PAUL (CONT'D) The cardboard box, I found all your... I found all your little goodies. Pens, keychains, foreign money, French ticklers, the whole shot. Even a clergyman's collar. I didn't know you collected all those little knick-knacks left behind. Even if the husband lives fucking years, he's never going to be able to discover his wife's real nature. I mean, I... I might be able to comprehend the universe, but... 'll never discover the truth bout you. Never. I mean, who the hell were you? Remember that day, the first day I was there? I knew that I couldn't get into your pants unless I said... What did I say? Oh, yeah. "May I have my bill, please? I have to leave." Remember? Last night... I ripped off the lights on your mother. And the whole joint went bananas. All your... guests... as you used to call them... Well, I guess that includes me, doesn't it? It does include me, doesn't it? For five years, I was more a guest in this fucking flophouse than a husband. With privileges, of course. And then, to help me understand you, you let me inherit Marcel. The husband's double, whose room was the double of ours. And you know what? I didn't even have the guts to ask him. Didn't have the guts to ask him if the same numbers you and I did were the same numbers you did with him. Our marriage was nothing more than a foxhole for you. And all it took for you to get out was a -cent razor and a tub full of water. You cheap, goddamn, fucking, godforsaken whore. I hope you rot in hell. You're worse than the dirtiest street pig anybody could find, and you know why? You know why? Because you lied. You lied to me and I trusted you. You lied. You knew you were lying! Go on, tell me you didn't lie. Haven't you got anything to say about that? You can think up something, can't you? (MORE) 79. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me something! Smile, you cunt! He STARTS to WEEP. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me... Tell me something sweet. Smile at me and say I just misunderstood. Go on, tell me. You pig-fucker! You goddamn, fucking, pig-fucking liar. Rosa, I'm sorry... I just can't... I can't stand it... to see these goddamn things on your face. You never wore make-up. This fucking shit. I'm gonna take this off your mouth. This lipstick... Rosa... Oh, God! He COLLAPSES on her, SOBBING. PAUL (CONT'D) I'm sorry. I don't know why you did it. I'd do it too, if I knew how. I just don't know how. I have to... I have to find a way. [OC] We hear a voice. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Is anyone there? PAUL What? PROSTITUTE'S VOICE There was a noise in there! PAUL All right, I'm... I'm coming. (back to ROSA) I have to go. I have to go, sweetheart, baby. Somebody's calling me. He starts to the door. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Well? Is anyone there? PAUL Yeah. I'm coming. CUT TO: 80. INT. HOTEL - ENTRANCE - DAY Outside the FRONT DOOR, the source of the voice, a WORN OUT and OLD PROSTITUTE. She is with her JOHN. PROSTITUTE (TO JOHN) Here he is. (TO PAUL) Hurry up! Wake up! Open up! Open up! PAUL It's four in the morning. PROSTITUTE I need room four for a while. (TO JOHN) Half an hour? (TO PAUL) Yes, that'll do. Yes, half an hour. PAUL We're full. She knocks on the door, INCESANTLY. PROSTITUTE That's not true. When you're full, you put a sign outside. I know the hotel. I'm sick of arguing out on the street. Call the owner. What are you waiting for? The owner has never made a fuss. Rosa and I are old friends. Open up. Paul opens up. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Don't make any trouble or I'll tell your boss. (TO JOHN) Come in, it's all sorted... But the man has LEFT. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) You've won. He's taken off. PAUL I'm very sorry. PROSTITUTE Hurry up! He can't be far away. 81. She PUSHES him out to the street. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Make him come back. Tell him he can't just walk off. She SHOVES HIM out the door and DOWN THE STREET. Paul CHASES the man on foot for BLOCKS and BLOCKS. He finally CATCHES UP to him in a --- CUT TO: EXT. PARIS STREET - ALLEY - MORNING The JOHN figures he has gotten away. He reverses his TRENCH COAT to the appropriate side. Paul comes around the corner. The John doesn't see any HOSTILITY coming. But it DOES. JOHN Oh,... please don't tell her you found me. I don't fancy it any more. Did you see her face? Once, my wife satisfied me. But now she's got a skin disease. It's like snakeskin. Put yourself in my place. Paul grabs him by the tie and drags him. PAUL Come. Come with me. The man FIGHTS BACK. JOHN But... Let go of me! Paul doesn't like that. He ROUGHS HIM UP, throwing him from WALL TO WALL. JOHN (CONT'D) You're crazy! Let go of me! Let go! He ends up on the ground MINUS HIS COAT. Paul KICKS HIM IN THE ASS like a dog. PAUL Get the fuck out of here! 82. The man RUNS OFF. PAUL (CONT'D) Faggot! Paul heads back up the ALLEY as the man CONTINUES OFF in the f.g. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - PAUL AND ROSA'S ROOM - DAY Paul lays down on his TWIN BED with his ROBE on over his clothes. We see that his BAGS ARE PACKED. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - BEDROOM - DAY We see that the mattress is gone. Only a pile of sheets and pillows remain in the room. Jeanne is on the floor, on her knees, doubled over in SICK GRIEF. PAUL HAS MOVED OUT. JEANNE No! She WANDERS through the apt., GRIEF STRICKEN, from room to room. We see only a FEW BELONGINGS left around. Shoes, the CAT (where was it for the "rat problem"?) and phone. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne RIPS THE SHEET OFF the piece of furniture that has been COVERED UP all along. We all wondered what was underneath that was so precious. It's nothing special. She COLLAPSES in grief again, the furniture falling on her, she KICKS IT OFF. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - FRONT DESK - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne talks to the CRAZY Concierge from BEFORE. Her head STUCK through the LITTLE WINDOW while the crazy woman PUFFS a cig. 83. JEANNE Try and remember! The man from the fourth floor. He moved in a few days ago. CONCIERGE I told you, I don't know anyone. They come and go. The man on the fourth, the woman on the first. What do I know? She gives a CRAZY CACKLE. JEANNE Where did they take the furniture too? It's empty. Where do you send his mail? Give me his address. CONCIERGE I don't have it. I don't know these people. JEANNE Not even his name? CONCIERGE Nothing! Jeanne STORMS OUT. CONCIERGE (CONT'D) Ma'zelle! CUT TO: INT. PAYPHONE BOOTH - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne is on the payphone in the bar from before. She speaks to Tom. Still DESPONDENT, tears stream down her face. JEANNE I've found a flat for us. 1 rue Jules Verne. Yes. In Passy. Come quickly! You'll come now? Do you know where it is? I'll wait for you. Come over. She struggles to HANG UP THE PHONE through her grief. She BREAKS DOWN, closing the door for privacy. 84. We can SEE HER through the door as she leans on it. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - DAY The front DOORBELL RINGS. JEANNE Come in, it's open. Tom comes in. Jeanne stares out the window. She is BATHED in sunlight. Tom LOOKS AROUND in b.g. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you like our flat? It's very light. There's a tiny room, too. It's too small for a double bed. It would be fine for a child. Fidel. That's a nice name for a boy. Fidel, as in Castro. TOM But I'd like a girl, too. Rosa. As in Rosa Luxemburg. Less famous, but I like it. You know, I wanted to film you every day. In the morning, when you wake up, in the evening, when you sleep. When you first smile, and I didn't film any of that. Here. He hands her FLOWERS. She REGARDS them. He circles to her front. TOM (CONT'D) Today is the last day of shooting. The film is finished. I don't like things that finish, things that end. You have to start something else right away. They EMBRACE and KISS. THAT ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Tom looks around the place. 85. TOM (CONT'D) This flat is huge! Jeanne has made her way to the DINING ROOM. TOM (CONT'D) Where are you? JEANNE I'm here! They continue shouting across the apt. TOM It's too big! We'll get lost! JEANNE Stop it! Don't start! TOM How did you find this flat? JEANNE By chance. TOM We'll change everything! Jeanne holds her ARMS OUT like a bird. JEANNE Everything! We'll change chance to destiny. TOM Go on, Jeanne. Take off! MUSIC RISES as Jeanne pretends to FLY AROUND the apt. from ROOM TO ROOM making AIRPLANE NOISES as Tom DIRECTS HER. TOM (CONT'D) Fly away, you're in heaven! You're soaring, you're in heaven! Come down, take a nose dive, come down! Make three turns, come down. Jeanne, what's happening? There's an air pocket. Tom gets SUDDENLY SERIOUS. JEANNE What's happening? 86. TOM The patches of turbulence are over. We can't play like children any more, Jeanne. This stops Jeanne in her TRACKS. They face each other. TOM (CONT'D) We're adults. JEANNE Adults? That's awful! TOM Yes. It's awful. JEANNE What do adults do? TOM I don't know. We'll have to invent the gestures and the words. For example, adults... He walks slowly toward her. They EMBRACE PASSIONATELY. They kiss. He breaks away again, SERIOUS. TOM (CONT'D) But there's one thing I do know. Adults are calm... He walks backward as Jeanne STALKS HIM. TOM (CONT'D) ...serious, logical, measured, level-headed... JEANNE Yes... TOM And... they face up to problems... JEANNE ...Yes, yes. Yes, yes. He STOPS ABRUPTLY. 87. TOM You see, Jeanne, this flat won't work for us. This flat, it won't work for us, Jeanne. JEANNE Where are you going? TOM To look for a flat. He walks out to a SHOCKED Jeanne. JEANNE What kind of flat? But he COMES BACK. TOM A flat we can live in. JEANNE We can live here. TOM It's squalid. It smells. It makes me sick.

struts

How many times the word 'struts' appears in the text?

COMES... PAUL You... You... You... You f... You... fucking... fucking... family. You fucking... family! Oh, God... Jesus. Oh, you... Oh... 58. He COLLAPSES on her, SPENT as she continues to WEEP. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - THAT MOMENT A TRAIN ROARS by on the TRAIN BRIDGE. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM Paul is SLEEPING on the floor amidst the BREAD AND BUTTER. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - MOMENTS LATER Another couple of TRAINS go by. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - LATER Paul SLEEPS more. On his STOMACH now, with his foot on a piece of FURNITURE. Jeanne puts a record on the RECORD PLAYER she brought with her. She goes to plug it into the FLOOR PLUG but gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. JEANNE Shit! She looks at him sleeping. JEANNE (CONT'D) Hey, you! He looks at her UPSIDE DOWN. JEANNE (CONT'D) Yes, you! PAUL Huh? JEANNE I've got a surprise for you. 59. PAUL What? He looks at himself in a SMALL MIRROR. JEANNE I've got a surprise for you! PAUL That's good. I like surprises. He FLIPS HIMSELF over backwards onto his feet. He walks over to her and the RECORD PLAYER. He stares down at her. PAUL (CONT'D) What is it? JEANNE Music. But I don't know how to work it. He sits on the FLOOR next to her. He plugs in the RECORD PLAYER. He JUMPS as he gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. Jeanne is secretly amused. PAUL Do you enjoy that? He gets the RECORD PLAYING. It's some 70's HIPPY MUSIC. Jeanne sways to it while Paul reads the JACKET COVER. CUT TO: EXT. PASSY VIADUCT PARK - DAY HIPPIE MUSIC CONTINUES Tom and Jeanne sit, ROMANTICALLY ENTWINED on a SEA WALL while his FILM CREW films in the b.g. They sit FACE TO FACE, he holds her shoulders and stares into her eyes. TOM Do you know why I sent the others away? JEANNE Because you're angry, or you want to be alone with me? 60. TOM And why do I want to be alone with you? JEANNE You have something really serious to tell me. He plays with her hair. TOM I have something really very serious to tell you. JEANNE Is it happy or sad? TOM It's a secret. JEANNE So it's happy. What sort of secret? TOM A secret... As his FILM CREW dolly around them in the b.g., his SOUND PERSON yells at them. SOUND PERSON Speak up! I can't hear anything. TOM ...between a man and a woman. JEANNE Is it dirty or is it about love? TOM About love. But that's not all. JEANNE A secret about love, but which isn't love. What is it?! He puts a LIFE PRESERVER over her. TOM Voila. That in a week I'm marrying you. JEANNE What? 61. TOM I'm marrying you. JEANNE What?! TOM I'm marrying you! JEANNE You're marrying me? TOM Yes! JEANNE We're getting married? TOM Yes we're getting married. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE No! TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM No. Are we getting married or not? JEANNE I don't know. 62. TOM So, yes, then? JEANNE Yes! TOM No! JEANNE Yes! TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes or no? She take the life preserver off and THROWS IT IN THE WATER. Together, they WATCH IT SINK. CUT TO: EXT. JEANNE'S MOTHERS APT. - PORCH - DAY JEANNE'S MOTHER beats the dirt off her LATE HUSBANDS MILITARY JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'll send everything to the country. What do you think, Jeanne? INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne tries on another of her FATHERS MILITARY UNIFORMS complete with HAT. JEANNE Olympia will be happy. I went there yesterday with Tom. Her mother joins her inside. She carries the FATHERS BOOTS. JEANNE (CONT'D) She's preparing a family museum. 63. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'm not sending the boots. I'm keeping them with me. I get strange shivers when I touch them. Jeanne goes into an ADJOINING ROOM while her mom continues reflecting, IRONING the JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER (CONT'D) All these military things never age. She looks up just in time to see that Jeanne has found her fathers gun and is pointing it in her direction. JEANNE When I was little, it seemed really heavy when Papa taught me how to shoot. JEANNE'S MOTHER I'm keeping that here. In a respectable household, it's useful to have a weapon. JEANNE You don't even know how to use it. JEANNE'S MOTHER The important thing is to have one. It makes an impression. JEANNE You really kept everything of Papa's. She shows her mom a picture she has scrounged up from her FATHERS WALLET of a TOPLESS NEGRO FEMALE. JEANNE (CONT'D) Who's that? His orderly? JEANNE'S MOTHER A fine example of a Berber. JEANNE Oh. 64. JEANNE'S MOTHER A strong race. I tried to employ them as servants, but it was disastrous. 'm glad I decided to send everything to the country. All his things were piling up and piling up. JEANNE Don't worry. You'll soon have all the space you want. JEANNE'S MOTHER What does that mean? JEANNE Nothing. She takes off the HAT and JACKET and throws them on the sofa. She heads to the FRONT DOOR with MOM FOLLOWING, on pins and needles. JEANNE (CONT'D) Madame, the colonel's lady, I announce... Mom RUNS IN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What? JEANNE On this solemn day... She goes out the door... JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What solemn day? She RUNS AFTER her daughter. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne is on the ELEVATOR. She sticks her head out. JEANNE I'm getting married in a week! She shuts the door and HEADS DOWN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What did you say? 65. Mom follows her down STEP FOR STEP. JEANNE To Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER Pardon? JEANNE Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER What are you doing in a week? CUT TO: EXT. OUTDOOR SHOP BAZAAR - DAY Tom and his FILM CREW film Jeanne trying on wedding dresses. He COUNTS DOWN to the shot. TOM Five... two! He does the CLAPPER with his hands. Jeanne and her HOST OF DRESSERS is lost in her fittings. TOM (CONT'D) Move into shot! We're shooting! They move into the center of the shop. We get another look at Jeanne's LEFT BREAST as it slips out of the dress being fitted. Tom fires off QUESTIONS for film purposes. TOM (CONT'D) So,... how do you see marriage? JEANNE Marriage? TOM Yes. Jeanne gives her upbeat EXTISTENTIAL RESPONSES as her fitting continues. JEANNE I see it everywhere. All the time. 66. TOM What do you mean, everywhere? JEANNE On walls. On buildings. TOM Walls and buildings? JEANNE Yes, on advertising hoardings. TOM What are they selling? Cars. Tinned meat. Cigarettes. JEANNE No. They're all about young couples. Before marriage, no children. Then the same couple, married with children. In short, marriage. The perfect, ideal, successful marriage. It's no longer the preserve of the Church. The husband was burdened with responsibilities and the wife nagged. Now, weddings in advertising smile! TOM They smile. On posters. JEANNE On posters, of course. But why t take poster marriage seriously? Marriage... Pop marriage! Tom comes out from under a DRESS. TOM Pop? That's the formula. For pop youth, pop marriage! But... what if the pop marriage doesn't work? JEANNE Then you have to fix it like you would a car. The spouses are two workers in overalls bending over an engine to fix it. TOM And in case of adultery what happens to the pop marriage? 67. JEANNE In that case, there are three or four workers. TOM What about love? Is love pop? JEANNE No. That's not. Love isn't pop. TOM Love isn't pop. So what is it? JEANNE The workers retire to a secret flat, take off their overalls and become men and women again and make love. The fussing on the dress is finished. Jeanne slowly, PUTS ON HER GLOVES, relishing them. She STRUTS slowly for all to stare and LAVISH her in her dress. Tom is CAPTIVATED. TOM You're wonderful. JEANNE It's the dress that makes the bride. TOM You're better than Rita Hayworth. He wanders out into the street. It is RAINING HEAVILY. Better than Joan Crawford! Better than Kim Novak! Better than Lauren Bacall! Better than Ava Gardner when she was Mickey Rooney's lover! Hes FILM CREW scatters for cover. TOM (CONT'D) What are you doing? Stop! Stop, but keep filming! Why aren't you filming in the rain? CREW 1 You're crazy! 68. They huddle underneath the DOOR of the FILM TRUCK. Tom has lost Jeanne in all the HUBUB. He is disgusted with his CREW. TOM You're all fired! He goes back to the SHOP. TOM (CONT'D) Where's Jeanne? DRESSER 1 She must have run off. TOM When? ln the rain? He runs down the street in the rain looking for her. JEANNE Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LOBBY - DAY Paul comes POINDING in from the rain. He STOMPS the water off his shoes. He breaks into an IMPROMPTU SOFT SHOE. He opens the gate to the ELEVATOR and gets on. He pushes the button. The elevator STARTS UP. JEANNE'S VOICE Please forgive me! Paul stops the elevator. He SENDS IT BACK DOWN. We see Jeanne has been waiting on the ADJACENT STAIRS for Paul. She is still in her WEDDING DRESS. She implores Paul from outside the elevator. JEANNE (FRENCH) Forgive me! I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. (ENGLISH) I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. I can't. I can't leave you, do you understand? 69. She stands, PLEADING at the ELEVATOR. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you still want me? Paul does the EYEBROW TRILL. He opens the elevator so she can get on. ELEVATOR As it ascends, Jeanne slowly RAISES HER DRESS, revealing NO UNDERWEAR and her AMPLE BUSH to Paul. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - ENTRANCE - MOMENTS LATER The door flies open. Paul comes in CARRYING Jeanne in his arms. PAUL Voil ! He starts doing a JIG AND SONG... all the way to the MATTRESSES. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh, there once was a man And he had an old sow ow! Hi-diddle- dow... He puts her on the bed. She is GIGGLING. PAUL (CONT'D) You're wet. Paul pats her stomach and leaves the room. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Paul opens the curtains. Jeanne's SCREAMS come from the other room. He goes to investigate. PAUL (CONT'D) What the hell? BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne screams BLOODY MURDER and points to a DEAD RAT on the STILL UNMADE MATTRESS. 70. PAUL (CONT'D) A rat. Only a rat. He PICKS IT UP by the tail. She stumbles over herself to get away. PAUL (CONT'D) There are more rats in Paris than people. Yum, yum, yum. He holds it out, OFFERING IT to her. She freaks. She runs to the other side of the room. JEANNE I want to go! He brings it to her... she continues to BACK PEDDLE. PAUL Wait, wait! Don't you want a bite first? You don't want to run and eat. JEANNE This is the end! He points to the ASS of the RAT. PAUL No, this is the end... Then points to the HEAD. PAUL (CONT'D) ...but I like to start with the head. That's the best part. Are you sure you won't have any? OK. He DANGLES IT over his mouth, flitting his tounge, pretending to eat it. She is gonna HURL. PAUL (CONT'D) What's the matter? You don't dig rat? JEANNE I wanna go! I can't make love in this bed any more. I can't. It's disgusting! Nauseating! PAUL Well, we'll fuck on the radiator or standing on the mantel. 71. He holds up the RAT again. PAUL (CONT'D) Listen, I gotta get some mayonnaise for this. Because, it really is good with mayonnaise. He heads out, then stops and LOOKS BACK AT HER. PAUL (CONT'D) I'll save the asshole for you. He really leaves this time. PAUL'S VOICE Rat's asshole with mayonnaise! He LAUGHS at himself. Jeanne is a BASKET CASE. She sits on her HAUNCHES, muttering. JEANNE I want to get out of here. I want to go. I can't stand it here any more. Yes. I'm going. She gets up, gets her purse and goes to the door. We see her ASS through the SHEER FABRIC of her wedding dress. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm not coming back... ever. She gets to the... FRONT DOOR Paul is there, WAITING, NONCHALANT. PAUL Quo vadis, baby? JEANNE I forgot to tell you something. I fell in love with somebody. PAUL Oh, isn't that wonderful? You know, you're going to have to get out of these wet duds. He PATS HER ASS. JEANNE I'm going to make love with him! 72. She opens the door but he closes it. She STOMPS into the HALL. PAUL Well, first you have to take a hot bath. Cos if you don't... He walks toward her. PAUL (CONT'D) ...you're gonna get pneumonia, right? Huh? She STOMPS a few more steps toward the BATHROOM. PAUL (CONT'D) And then you know what happens? You get pneumonia, then you know what happens? You die. And then, you know what happens when you die? I get to fuck the dead rat! He THROWS HER OVER his shoulder and carries her KICKING AND SCREAMING into the... CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM Jeanne is in the BATHTUB. Paul sits on the BIDET behind her with a WASHCLOTH. PAUL Give me the soap. She does. JEANNE I'm in love. PAUL You're in love? He shoves her head UNDER THE WATER. PAUL (CONT'D) How delightful. She comes up ANGRY. JEANNE I'm in love! I'm in love, you understand? 73. He SMACKS her with the washcloth on the head. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm in love, I'm in love! He SHOVES HER under again. JEANNE (CONT'D) Oh! I'm in love! He HITS HER on the head with her own shoe. She just gets more ANGRY. JEANNE (CONT'D) You know, you're old! You're getting fat. PAUL Fat, is it? How unkind. JEANNE Half of your hair is out and the other half is almost white. He smacks her in the mouth with the wash cloth, she smiles. PAUL In ten years, you'll be playing soccer with your tits. He starts WASHING HER back. PAUL (CONT'D) What do you think of that? You know what I'm gonna be doing? JEANNE You will be on a... wheelchair! PAUL Well, maybe. But, you know... I'll be smirking and giggling all the way to eternity. JEANNE How poetic. But please, before you go, wash my feet. She holds up A FOOT. PAUL OK. oblesse oblige. 74. He sits on the edge of the TUB and grabs her foot. He takes a sniff... She pulls it away. JEANNE You know, he and I, we make love. He WASHES her foot. PAUL Oh, really? That's wonderful. Is he a good fucker? JEANNE Magnificent. He puts up the OTHER FOOT to was, he obliges again. PAUL You know, you're a jerk. Cos the best fucking you're gonna get is right here in this apartment. Stand up. She does. He washes her ASS. JEANNE He is full of mysteries. PAUL Give me the soap. Listen, you dumb dodo. All the mysteries that you're ever gonna know in life are right here. He washes her STOMACH. JEANNE He is like everybody but... at the same time he's different. PAUL You mean, like everybody. JEANNE Yeah, but... even he fright me. Even he frightens me. PAUL What is he, your local pimp? JEANNE He could be. He looks it. You know why I'm in love with him? 75. PAUL I can't wait. JEANNE Because he know. He know how to make me fall in love with him. She gets out. He COVERS her with a BIG RED TOWEL. PAUL You want this man you love to protect and take care of you. JEANNE Yeah. PAUL You want this golden, shining, powerful warrior to build a fortress where you can hide in. So you don't have to ever... have... You don't ever have to be afraid. You don't have to feel lonely or empty. That's what you want, isn't it? JEANNE Yes. PAUL Well, you'll never find it. JEANNE But I find this man. PAUL Then it won't be long until he'll want you to build a fortress for him out of your tits and out of your cunt and your hair and your smile and the way you smell. And... and some place where he can feel comfortable and secure enough so that he can worship in front of the altar of his own prick. JEANNE But I find this man! They lean against SEPERATE WALLS. 76. PAUL No, you're alone. You're all alone. You won't be free of that feeling of being alone until you look death right in the face. I mean, that sounds like bullshit, some romantic crap, until you go right up into the ass of death. Right up in his ass... till you find the womb of fear. And then,... maybe... Maybe then, you'll be able to find him. JEANNE But I find this man. He's you! You are that man! Paul doesn't like that comment. He needs to TEACH HER another LESSON. He bites a HANGNAIL. PAUL Get me the scissors. JEANNE What? PAUL Get me the fingernail scissors. She STOMPS past him to get them, hands them to him. PAUL (CONT'D) No. I want you to cut the fingernails on your right hand, these two. She DOES. JEANNE That's it. He stands FACING the wall and PULLS HIS pants down. PAUL I want you to put your fingers up my ass. JEANNE What? PAUL Put your fingers up my ass, are you deaf? Go on. I'm gonna get a pig... and I'm... I'm gonna have the pig fuck you. (MORE) 77. PAUL (CONT'D) I want the pig to vomit in your face and I want you to swallow the vomit. Are you gonna do that for me? JEANNE Yeah. PAUL Huh? JEANNE Yeah! PAUL I want the pig to die while... while you're fucking him. Then you'll have to go behind him. I want you to smell the dying farts of the pig. Are you gonna do all of that for me? JEANNE Yes, and more than that! And worse! And worse than before. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - TEMPORARY VIEWING ROOM - DAY ROSA'S WAKE. Rosa's mother has set up a room in the Hotel as a VIEWING ROOM for her daughter. She is, as promised, surrounded by TONS OF FLOWERS. Paul comes in and pulls up a chair next to ROSA. He turns on the LIGHT. PAUL You look ridiculous in that make- up. Like the caricature of a whore. A little touch of Mommy in the night. Fake Ophelia drowned in the bathtub. I wish you could see yourself. You'd really laugh. You're your mother's masterpiece. He pulls the chair closer to her. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh Christ! There are too many fucking flowers in this place. I can't breathe. You know on the top of the closet? (MORE) 78. PAUL (CONT'D) The cardboard box, I found all your... I found all your little goodies. Pens, keychains, foreign money, French ticklers, the whole shot. Even a clergyman's collar. I didn't know you collected all those little knick-knacks left behind. Even if the husband lives fucking years, he's never going to be able to discover his wife's real nature. I mean, I... I might be able to comprehend the universe, but... 'll never discover the truth bout you. Never. I mean, who the hell were you? Remember that day, the first day I was there? I knew that I couldn't get into your pants unless I said... What did I say? Oh, yeah. "May I have my bill, please? I have to leave." Remember? Last night... I ripped off the lights on your mother. And the whole joint went bananas. All your... guests... as you used to call them... Well, I guess that includes me, doesn't it? It does include me, doesn't it? For five years, I was more a guest in this fucking flophouse than a husband. With privileges, of course. And then, to help me understand you, you let me inherit Marcel. The husband's double, whose room was the double of ours. And you know what? I didn't even have the guts to ask him. Didn't have the guts to ask him if the same numbers you and I did were the same numbers you did with him. Our marriage was nothing more than a foxhole for you. And all it took for you to get out was a -cent razor and a tub full of water. You cheap, goddamn, fucking, godforsaken whore. I hope you rot in hell. You're worse than the dirtiest street pig anybody could find, and you know why? You know why? Because you lied. You lied to me and I trusted you. You lied. You knew you were lying! Go on, tell me you didn't lie. Haven't you got anything to say about that? You can think up something, can't you? (MORE) 79. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me something! Smile, you cunt! He STARTS to WEEP. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me... Tell me something sweet. Smile at me and say I just misunderstood. Go on, tell me. You pig-fucker! You goddamn, fucking, pig-fucking liar. Rosa, I'm sorry... I just can't... I can't stand it... to see these goddamn things on your face. You never wore make-up. This fucking shit. I'm gonna take this off your mouth. This lipstick... Rosa... Oh, God! He COLLAPSES on her, SOBBING. PAUL (CONT'D) I'm sorry. I don't know why you did it. I'd do it too, if I knew how. I just don't know how. I have to... I have to find a way. [OC] We hear a voice. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Is anyone there? PAUL What? PROSTITUTE'S VOICE There was a noise in there! PAUL All right, I'm... I'm coming. (back to ROSA) I have to go. I have to go, sweetheart, baby. Somebody's calling me. He starts to the door. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Well? Is anyone there? PAUL Yeah. I'm coming. CUT TO: 80. INT. HOTEL - ENTRANCE - DAY Outside the FRONT DOOR, the source of the voice, a WORN OUT and OLD PROSTITUTE. She is with her JOHN. PROSTITUTE (TO JOHN) Here he is. (TO PAUL) Hurry up! Wake up! Open up! Open up! PAUL It's four in the morning. PROSTITUTE I need room four for a while. (TO JOHN) Half an hour? (TO PAUL) Yes, that'll do. Yes, half an hour. PAUL We're full. She knocks on the door, INCESANTLY. PROSTITUTE That's not true. When you're full, you put a sign outside. I know the hotel. I'm sick of arguing out on the street. Call the owner. What are you waiting for? The owner has never made a fuss. Rosa and I are old friends. Open up. Paul opens up. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Don't make any trouble or I'll tell your boss. (TO JOHN) Come in, it's all sorted... But the man has LEFT. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) You've won. He's taken off. PAUL I'm very sorry. PROSTITUTE Hurry up! He can't be far away. 81. She PUSHES him out to the street. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Make him come back. Tell him he can't just walk off. She SHOVES HIM out the door and DOWN THE STREET. Paul CHASES the man on foot for BLOCKS and BLOCKS. He finally CATCHES UP to him in a --- CUT TO: EXT. PARIS STREET - ALLEY - MORNING The JOHN figures he has gotten away. He reverses his TRENCH COAT to the appropriate side. Paul comes around the corner. The John doesn't see any HOSTILITY coming. But it DOES. JOHN Oh,... please don't tell her you found me. I don't fancy it any more. Did you see her face? Once, my wife satisfied me. But now she's got a skin disease. It's like snakeskin. Put yourself in my place. Paul grabs him by the tie and drags him. PAUL Come. Come with me. The man FIGHTS BACK. JOHN But... Let go of me! Paul doesn't like that. He ROUGHS HIM UP, throwing him from WALL TO WALL. JOHN (CONT'D) You're crazy! Let go of me! Let go! He ends up on the ground MINUS HIS COAT. Paul KICKS HIM IN THE ASS like a dog. PAUL Get the fuck out of here! 82. The man RUNS OFF. PAUL (CONT'D) Faggot! Paul heads back up the ALLEY as the man CONTINUES OFF in the f.g. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - PAUL AND ROSA'S ROOM - DAY Paul lays down on his TWIN BED with his ROBE on over his clothes. We see that his BAGS ARE PACKED. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - BEDROOM - DAY We see that the mattress is gone. Only a pile of sheets and pillows remain in the room. Jeanne is on the floor, on her knees, doubled over in SICK GRIEF. PAUL HAS MOVED OUT. JEANNE No! She WANDERS through the apt., GRIEF STRICKEN, from room to room. We see only a FEW BELONGINGS left around. Shoes, the CAT (where was it for the "rat problem"?) and phone. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne RIPS THE SHEET OFF the piece of furniture that has been COVERED UP all along. We all wondered what was underneath that was so precious. It's nothing special. She COLLAPSES in grief again, the furniture falling on her, she KICKS IT OFF. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - FRONT DESK - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne talks to the CRAZY Concierge from BEFORE. Her head STUCK through the LITTLE WINDOW while the crazy woman PUFFS a cig. 83. JEANNE Try and remember! The man from the fourth floor. He moved in a few days ago. CONCIERGE I told you, I don't know anyone. They come and go. The man on the fourth, the woman on the first. What do I know? She gives a CRAZY CACKLE. JEANNE Where did they take the furniture too? It's empty. Where do you send his mail? Give me his address. CONCIERGE I don't have it. I don't know these people. JEANNE Not even his name? CONCIERGE Nothing! Jeanne STORMS OUT. CONCIERGE (CONT'D) Ma'zelle! CUT TO: INT. PAYPHONE BOOTH - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne is on the payphone in the bar from before. She speaks to Tom. Still DESPONDENT, tears stream down her face. JEANNE I've found a flat for us. 1 rue Jules Verne. Yes. In Passy. Come quickly! You'll come now? Do you know where it is? I'll wait for you. Come over. She struggles to HANG UP THE PHONE through her grief. She BREAKS DOWN, closing the door for privacy. 84. We can SEE HER through the door as she leans on it. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - DAY The front DOORBELL RINGS. JEANNE Come in, it's open. Tom comes in. Jeanne stares out the window. She is BATHED in sunlight. Tom LOOKS AROUND in b.g. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you like our flat? It's very light. There's a tiny room, too. It's too small for a double bed. It would be fine for a child. Fidel. That's a nice name for a boy. Fidel, as in Castro. TOM But I'd like a girl, too. Rosa. As in Rosa Luxemburg. Less famous, but I like it. You know, I wanted to film you every day. In the morning, when you wake up, in the evening, when you sleep. When you first smile, and I didn't film any of that. Here. He hands her FLOWERS. She REGARDS them. He circles to her front. TOM (CONT'D) Today is the last day of shooting. The film is finished. I don't like things that finish, things that end. You have to start something else right away. They EMBRACE and KISS. THAT ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Tom looks around the place. 85. TOM (CONT'D) This flat is huge! Jeanne has made her way to the DINING ROOM. TOM (CONT'D) Where are you? JEANNE I'm here! They continue shouting across the apt. TOM It's too big! We'll get lost! JEANNE Stop it! Don't start! TOM How did you find this flat? JEANNE By chance. TOM We'll change everything! Jeanne holds her ARMS OUT like a bird. JEANNE Everything! We'll change chance to destiny. TOM Go on, Jeanne. Take off! MUSIC RISES as Jeanne pretends to FLY AROUND the apt. from ROOM TO ROOM making AIRPLANE NOISES as Tom DIRECTS HER. TOM (CONT'D) Fly away, you're in heaven! You're soaring, you're in heaven! Come down, take a nose dive, come down! Make three turns, come down. Jeanne, what's happening? There's an air pocket. Tom gets SUDDENLY SERIOUS. JEANNE What's happening? 86. TOM The patches of turbulence are over. We can't play like children any more, Jeanne. This stops Jeanne in her TRACKS. They face each other. TOM (CONT'D) We're adults. JEANNE Adults? That's awful! TOM Yes. It's awful. JEANNE What do adults do? TOM I don't know. We'll have to invent the gestures and the words. For example, adults... He walks slowly toward her. They EMBRACE PASSIONATELY. They kiss. He breaks away again, SERIOUS. TOM (CONT'D) But there's one thing I do know. Adults are calm... He walks backward as Jeanne STALKS HIM. TOM (CONT'D) ...serious, logical, measured, level-headed... JEANNE Yes... TOM And... they face up to problems... JEANNE ...Yes, yes. Yes, yes. He STOPS ABRUPTLY. 87. TOM You see, Jeanne, this flat won't work for us. This flat, it won't work for us, Jeanne. JEANNE Where are you going? TOM To look for a flat. He walks out to a SHOCKED Jeanne. JEANNE What kind of flat? But he COMES BACK. TOM A flat we can live in. JEANNE We can live here. TOM It's squalid. It smells. It makes me sick.

shop

How many times the word 'shop' appears in the text?

COMES... PAUL You... You... You... You f... You... fucking... fucking... family. You fucking... family! Oh, God... Jesus. Oh, you... Oh... 58. He COLLAPSES on her, SPENT as she continues to WEEP. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - THAT MOMENT A TRAIN ROARS by on the TRAIN BRIDGE. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM Paul is SLEEPING on the floor amidst the BREAD AND BUTTER. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - MOMENTS LATER Another couple of TRAINS go by. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - LATER Paul SLEEPS more. On his STOMACH now, with his foot on a piece of FURNITURE. Jeanne puts a record on the RECORD PLAYER she brought with her. She goes to plug it into the FLOOR PLUG but gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. JEANNE Shit! She looks at him sleeping. JEANNE (CONT'D) Hey, you! He looks at her UPSIDE DOWN. JEANNE (CONT'D) Yes, you! PAUL Huh? JEANNE I've got a surprise for you. 59. PAUL What? He looks at himself in a SMALL MIRROR. JEANNE I've got a surprise for you! PAUL That's good. I like surprises. He FLIPS HIMSELF over backwards onto his feet. He walks over to her and the RECORD PLAYER. He stares down at her. PAUL (CONT'D) What is it? JEANNE Music. But I don't know how to work it. He sits on the FLOOR next to her. He plugs in the RECORD PLAYER. He JUMPS as he gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. Jeanne is secretly amused. PAUL Do you enjoy that? He gets the RECORD PLAYING. It's some 70's HIPPY MUSIC. Jeanne sways to it while Paul reads the JACKET COVER. CUT TO: EXT. PASSY VIADUCT PARK - DAY HIPPIE MUSIC CONTINUES Tom and Jeanne sit, ROMANTICALLY ENTWINED on a SEA WALL while his FILM CREW films in the b.g. They sit FACE TO FACE, he holds her shoulders and stares into her eyes. TOM Do you know why I sent the others away? JEANNE Because you're angry, or you want to be alone with me? 60. TOM And why do I want to be alone with you? JEANNE You have something really serious to tell me. He plays with her hair. TOM I have something really very serious to tell you. JEANNE Is it happy or sad? TOM It's a secret. JEANNE So it's happy. What sort of secret? TOM A secret... As his FILM CREW dolly around them in the b.g., his SOUND PERSON yells at them. SOUND PERSON Speak up! I can't hear anything. TOM ...between a man and a woman. JEANNE Is it dirty or is it about love? TOM About love. But that's not all. JEANNE A secret about love, but which isn't love. What is it?! He puts a LIFE PRESERVER over her. TOM Voila. That in a week I'm marrying you. JEANNE What? 61. TOM I'm marrying you. JEANNE What?! TOM I'm marrying you! JEANNE You're marrying me? TOM Yes! JEANNE We're getting married? TOM Yes we're getting married. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE No! TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM No. Are we getting married or not? JEANNE I don't know. 62. TOM So, yes, then? JEANNE Yes! TOM No! JEANNE Yes! TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes or no? She take the life preserver off and THROWS IT IN THE WATER. Together, they WATCH IT SINK. CUT TO: EXT. JEANNE'S MOTHERS APT. - PORCH - DAY JEANNE'S MOTHER beats the dirt off her LATE HUSBANDS MILITARY JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'll send everything to the country. What do you think, Jeanne? INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne tries on another of her FATHERS MILITARY UNIFORMS complete with HAT. JEANNE Olympia will be happy. I went there yesterday with Tom. Her mother joins her inside. She carries the FATHERS BOOTS. JEANNE (CONT'D) She's preparing a family museum. 63. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'm not sending the boots. I'm keeping them with me. I get strange shivers when I touch them. Jeanne goes into an ADJOINING ROOM while her mom continues reflecting, IRONING the JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER (CONT'D) All these military things never age. She looks up just in time to see that Jeanne has found her fathers gun and is pointing it in her direction. JEANNE When I was little, it seemed really heavy when Papa taught me how to shoot. JEANNE'S MOTHER I'm keeping that here. In a respectable household, it's useful to have a weapon. JEANNE You don't even know how to use it. JEANNE'S MOTHER The important thing is to have one. It makes an impression. JEANNE You really kept everything of Papa's. She shows her mom a picture she has scrounged up from her FATHERS WALLET of a TOPLESS NEGRO FEMALE. JEANNE (CONT'D) Who's that? His orderly? JEANNE'S MOTHER A fine example of a Berber. JEANNE Oh. 64. JEANNE'S MOTHER A strong race. I tried to employ them as servants, but it was disastrous. 'm glad I decided to send everything to the country. All his things were piling up and piling up. JEANNE Don't worry. You'll soon have all the space you want. JEANNE'S MOTHER What does that mean? JEANNE Nothing. She takes off the HAT and JACKET and throws them on the sofa. She heads to the FRONT DOOR with MOM FOLLOWING, on pins and needles. JEANNE (CONT'D) Madame, the colonel's lady, I announce... Mom RUNS IN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What? JEANNE On this solemn day... She goes out the door... JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What solemn day? She RUNS AFTER her daughter. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne is on the ELEVATOR. She sticks her head out. JEANNE I'm getting married in a week! She shuts the door and HEADS DOWN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What did you say? 65. Mom follows her down STEP FOR STEP. JEANNE To Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER Pardon? JEANNE Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER What are you doing in a week? CUT TO: EXT. OUTDOOR SHOP BAZAAR - DAY Tom and his FILM CREW film Jeanne trying on wedding dresses. He COUNTS DOWN to the shot. TOM Five... two! He does the CLAPPER with his hands. Jeanne and her HOST OF DRESSERS is lost in her fittings. TOM (CONT'D) Move into shot! We're shooting! They move into the center of the shop. We get another look at Jeanne's LEFT BREAST as it slips out of the dress being fitted. Tom fires off QUESTIONS for film purposes. TOM (CONT'D) So,... how do you see marriage? JEANNE Marriage? TOM Yes. Jeanne gives her upbeat EXTISTENTIAL RESPONSES as her fitting continues. JEANNE I see it everywhere. All the time. 66. TOM What do you mean, everywhere? JEANNE On walls. On buildings. TOM Walls and buildings? JEANNE Yes, on advertising hoardings. TOM What are they selling? Cars. Tinned meat. Cigarettes. JEANNE No. They're all about young couples. Before marriage, no children. Then the same couple, married with children. In short, marriage. The perfect, ideal, successful marriage. It's no longer the preserve of the Church. The husband was burdened with responsibilities and the wife nagged. Now, weddings in advertising smile! TOM They smile. On posters. JEANNE On posters, of course. But why t take poster marriage seriously? Marriage... Pop marriage! Tom comes out from under a DRESS. TOM Pop? That's the formula. For pop youth, pop marriage! But... what if the pop marriage doesn't work? JEANNE Then you have to fix it like you would a car. The spouses are two workers in overalls bending over an engine to fix it. TOM And in case of adultery what happens to the pop marriage? 67. JEANNE In that case, there are three or four workers. TOM What about love? Is love pop? JEANNE No. That's not. Love isn't pop. TOM Love isn't pop. So what is it? JEANNE The workers retire to a secret flat, take off their overalls and become men and women again and make love. The fussing on the dress is finished. Jeanne slowly, PUTS ON HER GLOVES, relishing them. She STRUTS slowly for all to stare and LAVISH her in her dress. Tom is CAPTIVATED. TOM You're wonderful. JEANNE It's the dress that makes the bride. TOM You're better than Rita Hayworth. He wanders out into the street. It is RAINING HEAVILY. Better than Joan Crawford! Better than Kim Novak! Better than Lauren Bacall! Better than Ava Gardner when she was Mickey Rooney's lover! Hes FILM CREW scatters for cover. TOM (CONT'D) What are you doing? Stop! Stop, but keep filming! Why aren't you filming in the rain? CREW 1 You're crazy! 68. They huddle underneath the DOOR of the FILM TRUCK. Tom has lost Jeanne in all the HUBUB. He is disgusted with his CREW. TOM You're all fired! He goes back to the SHOP. TOM (CONT'D) Where's Jeanne? DRESSER 1 She must have run off. TOM When? ln the rain? He runs down the street in the rain looking for her. JEANNE Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LOBBY - DAY Paul comes POINDING in from the rain. He STOMPS the water off his shoes. He breaks into an IMPROMPTU SOFT SHOE. He opens the gate to the ELEVATOR and gets on. He pushes the button. The elevator STARTS UP. JEANNE'S VOICE Please forgive me! Paul stops the elevator. He SENDS IT BACK DOWN. We see Jeanne has been waiting on the ADJACENT STAIRS for Paul. She is still in her WEDDING DRESS. She implores Paul from outside the elevator. JEANNE (FRENCH) Forgive me! I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. (ENGLISH) I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. I can't. I can't leave you, do you understand? 69. She stands, PLEADING at the ELEVATOR. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you still want me? Paul does the EYEBROW TRILL. He opens the elevator so she can get on. ELEVATOR As it ascends, Jeanne slowly RAISES HER DRESS, revealing NO UNDERWEAR and her AMPLE BUSH to Paul. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - ENTRANCE - MOMENTS LATER The door flies open. Paul comes in CARRYING Jeanne in his arms. PAUL Voil ! He starts doing a JIG AND SONG... all the way to the MATTRESSES. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh, there once was a man And he had an old sow ow! Hi-diddle- dow... He puts her on the bed. She is GIGGLING. PAUL (CONT'D) You're wet. Paul pats her stomach and leaves the room. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Paul opens the curtains. Jeanne's SCREAMS come from the other room. He goes to investigate. PAUL (CONT'D) What the hell? BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne screams BLOODY MURDER and points to a DEAD RAT on the STILL UNMADE MATTRESS. 70. PAUL (CONT'D) A rat. Only a rat. He PICKS IT UP by the tail. She stumbles over herself to get away. PAUL (CONT'D) There are more rats in Paris than people. Yum, yum, yum. He holds it out, OFFERING IT to her. She freaks. She runs to the other side of the room. JEANNE I want to go! He brings it to her... she continues to BACK PEDDLE. PAUL Wait, wait! Don't you want a bite first? You don't want to run and eat. JEANNE This is the end! He points to the ASS of the RAT. PAUL No, this is the end... Then points to the HEAD. PAUL (CONT'D) ...but I like to start with the head. That's the best part. Are you sure you won't have any? OK. He DANGLES IT over his mouth, flitting his tounge, pretending to eat it. She is gonna HURL. PAUL (CONT'D) What's the matter? You don't dig rat? JEANNE I wanna go! I can't make love in this bed any more. I can't. It's disgusting! Nauseating! PAUL Well, we'll fuck on the radiator or standing on the mantel. 71. He holds up the RAT again. PAUL (CONT'D) Listen, I gotta get some mayonnaise for this. Because, it really is good with mayonnaise. He heads out, then stops and LOOKS BACK AT HER. PAUL (CONT'D) I'll save the asshole for you. He really leaves this time. PAUL'S VOICE Rat's asshole with mayonnaise! He LAUGHS at himself. Jeanne is a BASKET CASE. She sits on her HAUNCHES, muttering. JEANNE I want to get out of here. I want to go. I can't stand it here any more. Yes. I'm going. She gets up, gets her purse and goes to the door. We see her ASS through the SHEER FABRIC of her wedding dress. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm not coming back... ever. She gets to the... FRONT DOOR Paul is there, WAITING, NONCHALANT. PAUL Quo vadis, baby? JEANNE I forgot to tell you something. I fell in love with somebody. PAUL Oh, isn't that wonderful? You know, you're going to have to get out of these wet duds. He PATS HER ASS. JEANNE I'm going to make love with him! 72. She opens the door but he closes it. She STOMPS into the HALL. PAUL Well, first you have to take a hot bath. Cos if you don't... He walks toward her. PAUL (CONT'D) ...you're gonna get pneumonia, right? Huh? She STOMPS a few more steps toward the BATHROOM. PAUL (CONT'D) And then you know what happens? You get pneumonia, then you know what happens? You die. And then, you know what happens when you die? I get to fuck the dead rat! He THROWS HER OVER his shoulder and carries her KICKING AND SCREAMING into the... CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM Jeanne is in the BATHTUB. Paul sits on the BIDET behind her with a WASHCLOTH. PAUL Give me the soap. She does. JEANNE I'm in love. PAUL You're in love? He shoves her head UNDER THE WATER. PAUL (CONT'D) How delightful. She comes up ANGRY. JEANNE I'm in love! I'm in love, you understand? 73. He SMACKS her with the washcloth on the head. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm in love, I'm in love! He SHOVES HER under again. JEANNE (CONT'D) Oh! I'm in love! He HITS HER on the head with her own shoe. She just gets more ANGRY. JEANNE (CONT'D) You know, you're old! You're getting fat. PAUL Fat, is it? How unkind. JEANNE Half of your hair is out and the other half is almost white. He smacks her in the mouth with the wash cloth, she smiles. PAUL In ten years, you'll be playing soccer with your tits. He starts WASHING HER back. PAUL (CONT'D) What do you think of that? You know what I'm gonna be doing? JEANNE You will be on a... wheelchair! PAUL Well, maybe. But, you know... I'll be smirking and giggling all the way to eternity. JEANNE How poetic. But please, before you go, wash my feet. She holds up A FOOT. PAUL OK. oblesse oblige. 74. He sits on the edge of the TUB and grabs her foot. He takes a sniff... She pulls it away. JEANNE You know, he and I, we make love. He WASHES her foot. PAUL Oh, really? That's wonderful. Is he a good fucker? JEANNE Magnificent. He puts up the OTHER FOOT to was, he obliges again. PAUL You know, you're a jerk. Cos the best fucking you're gonna get is right here in this apartment. Stand up. She does. He washes her ASS. JEANNE He is full of mysteries. PAUL Give me the soap. Listen, you dumb dodo. All the mysteries that you're ever gonna know in life are right here. He washes her STOMACH. JEANNE He is like everybody but... at the same time he's different. PAUL You mean, like everybody. JEANNE Yeah, but... even he fright me. Even he frightens me. PAUL What is he, your local pimp? JEANNE He could be. He looks it. You know why I'm in love with him? 75. PAUL I can't wait. JEANNE Because he know. He know how to make me fall in love with him. She gets out. He COVERS her with a BIG RED TOWEL. PAUL You want this man you love to protect and take care of you. JEANNE Yeah. PAUL You want this golden, shining, powerful warrior to build a fortress where you can hide in. So you don't have to ever... have... You don't ever have to be afraid. You don't have to feel lonely or empty. That's what you want, isn't it? JEANNE Yes. PAUL Well, you'll never find it. JEANNE But I find this man. PAUL Then it won't be long until he'll want you to build a fortress for him out of your tits and out of your cunt and your hair and your smile and the way you smell. And... and some place where he can feel comfortable and secure enough so that he can worship in front of the altar of his own prick. JEANNE But I find this man! They lean against SEPERATE WALLS. 76. PAUL No, you're alone. You're all alone. You won't be free of that feeling of being alone until you look death right in the face. I mean, that sounds like bullshit, some romantic crap, until you go right up into the ass of death. Right up in his ass... till you find the womb of fear. And then,... maybe... Maybe then, you'll be able to find him. JEANNE But I find this man. He's you! You are that man! Paul doesn't like that comment. He needs to TEACH HER another LESSON. He bites a HANGNAIL. PAUL Get me the scissors. JEANNE What? PAUL Get me the fingernail scissors. She STOMPS past him to get them, hands them to him. PAUL (CONT'D) No. I want you to cut the fingernails on your right hand, these two. She DOES. JEANNE That's it. He stands FACING the wall and PULLS HIS pants down. PAUL I want you to put your fingers up my ass. JEANNE What? PAUL Put your fingers up my ass, are you deaf? Go on. I'm gonna get a pig... and I'm... I'm gonna have the pig fuck you. (MORE) 77. PAUL (CONT'D) I want the pig to vomit in your face and I want you to swallow the vomit. Are you gonna do that for me? JEANNE Yeah. PAUL Huh? JEANNE Yeah! PAUL I want the pig to die while... while you're fucking him. Then you'll have to go behind him. I want you to smell the dying farts of the pig. Are you gonna do all of that for me? JEANNE Yes, and more than that! And worse! And worse than before. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - TEMPORARY VIEWING ROOM - DAY ROSA'S WAKE. Rosa's mother has set up a room in the Hotel as a VIEWING ROOM for her daughter. She is, as promised, surrounded by TONS OF FLOWERS. Paul comes in and pulls up a chair next to ROSA. He turns on the LIGHT. PAUL You look ridiculous in that make- up. Like the caricature of a whore. A little touch of Mommy in the night. Fake Ophelia drowned in the bathtub. I wish you could see yourself. You'd really laugh. You're your mother's masterpiece. He pulls the chair closer to her. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh Christ! There are too many fucking flowers in this place. I can't breathe. You know on the top of the closet? (MORE) 78. PAUL (CONT'D) The cardboard box, I found all your... I found all your little goodies. Pens, keychains, foreign money, French ticklers, the whole shot. Even a clergyman's collar. I didn't know you collected all those little knick-knacks left behind. Even if the husband lives fucking years, he's never going to be able to discover his wife's real nature. I mean, I... I might be able to comprehend the universe, but... 'll never discover the truth bout you. Never. I mean, who the hell were you? Remember that day, the first day I was there? I knew that I couldn't get into your pants unless I said... What did I say? Oh, yeah. "May I have my bill, please? I have to leave." Remember? Last night... I ripped off the lights on your mother. And the whole joint went bananas. All your... guests... as you used to call them... Well, I guess that includes me, doesn't it? It does include me, doesn't it? For five years, I was more a guest in this fucking flophouse than a husband. With privileges, of course. And then, to help me understand you, you let me inherit Marcel. The husband's double, whose room was the double of ours. And you know what? I didn't even have the guts to ask him. Didn't have the guts to ask him if the same numbers you and I did were the same numbers you did with him. Our marriage was nothing more than a foxhole for you. And all it took for you to get out was a -cent razor and a tub full of water. You cheap, goddamn, fucking, godforsaken whore. I hope you rot in hell. You're worse than the dirtiest street pig anybody could find, and you know why? You know why? Because you lied. You lied to me and I trusted you. You lied. You knew you were lying! Go on, tell me you didn't lie. Haven't you got anything to say about that? You can think up something, can't you? (MORE) 79. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me something! Smile, you cunt! He STARTS to WEEP. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me... Tell me something sweet. Smile at me and say I just misunderstood. Go on, tell me. You pig-fucker! You goddamn, fucking, pig-fucking liar. Rosa, I'm sorry... I just can't... I can't stand it... to see these goddamn things on your face. You never wore make-up. This fucking shit. I'm gonna take this off your mouth. This lipstick... Rosa... Oh, God! He COLLAPSES on her, SOBBING. PAUL (CONT'D) I'm sorry. I don't know why you did it. I'd do it too, if I knew how. I just don't know how. I have to... I have to find a way. [OC] We hear a voice. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Is anyone there? PAUL What? PROSTITUTE'S VOICE There was a noise in there! PAUL All right, I'm... I'm coming. (back to ROSA) I have to go. I have to go, sweetheart, baby. Somebody's calling me. He starts to the door. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Well? Is anyone there? PAUL Yeah. I'm coming. CUT TO: 80. INT. HOTEL - ENTRANCE - DAY Outside the FRONT DOOR, the source of the voice, a WORN OUT and OLD PROSTITUTE. She is with her JOHN. PROSTITUTE (TO JOHN) Here he is. (TO PAUL) Hurry up! Wake up! Open up! Open up! PAUL It's four in the morning. PROSTITUTE I need room four for a while. (TO JOHN) Half an hour? (TO PAUL) Yes, that'll do. Yes, half an hour. PAUL We're full. She knocks on the door, INCESANTLY. PROSTITUTE That's not true. When you're full, you put a sign outside. I know the hotel. I'm sick of arguing out on the street. Call the owner. What are you waiting for? The owner has never made a fuss. Rosa and I are old friends. Open up. Paul opens up. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Don't make any trouble or I'll tell your boss. (TO JOHN) Come in, it's all sorted... But the man has LEFT. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) You've won. He's taken off. PAUL I'm very sorry. PROSTITUTE Hurry up! He can't be far away. 81. She PUSHES him out to the street. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Make him come back. Tell him he can't just walk off. She SHOVES HIM out the door and DOWN THE STREET. Paul CHASES the man on foot for BLOCKS and BLOCKS. He finally CATCHES UP to him in a --- CUT TO: EXT. PARIS STREET - ALLEY - MORNING The JOHN figures he has gotten away. He reverses his TRENCH COAT to the appropriate side. Paul comes around the corner. The John doesn't see any HOSTILITY coming. But it DOES. JOHN Oh,... please don't tell her you found me. I don't fancy it any more. Did you see her face? Once, my wife satisfied me. But now she's got a skin disease. It's like snakeskin. Put yourself in my place. Paul grabs him by the tie and drags him. PAUL Come. Come with me. The man FIGHTS BACK. JOHN But... Let go of me! Paul doesn't like that. He ROUGHS HIM UP, throwing him from WALL TO WALL. JOHN (CONT'D) You're crazy! Let go of me! Let go! He ends up on the ground MINUS HIS COAT. Paul KICKS HIM IN THE ASS like a dog. PAUL Get the fuck out of here! 82. The man RUNS OFF. PAUL (CONT'D) Faggot! Paul heads back up the ALLEY as the man CONTINUES OFF in the f.g. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - PAUL AND ROSA'S ROOM - DAY Paul lays down on his TWIN BED with his ROBE on over his clothes. We see that his BAGS ARE PACKED. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - BEDROOM - DAY We see that the mattress is gone. Only a pile of sheets and pillows remain in the room. Jeanne is on the floor, on her knees, doubled over in SICK GRIEF. PAUL HAS MOVED OUT. JEANNE No! She WANDERS through the apt., GRIEF STRICKEN, from room to room. We see only a FEW BELONGINGS left around. Shoes, the CAT (where was it for the "rat problem"?) and phone. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne RIPS THE SHEET OFF the piece of furniture that has been COVERED UP all along. We all wondered what was underneath that was so precious. It's nothing special. She COLLAPSES in grief again, the furniture falling on her, she KICKS IT OFF. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - FRONT DESK - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne talks to the CRAZY Concierge from BEFORE. Her head STUCK through the LITTLE WINDOW while the crazy woman PUFFS a cig. 83. JEANNE Try and remember! The man from the fourth floor. He moved in a few days ago. CONCIERGE I told you, I don't know anyone. They come and go. The man on the fourth, the woman on the first. What do I know? She gives a CRAZY CACKLE. JEANNE Where did they take the furniture too? It's empty. Where do you send his mail? Give me his address. CONCIERGE I don't have it. I don't know these people. JEANNE Not even his name? CONCIERGE Nothing! Jeanne STORMS OUT. CONCIERGE (CONT'D) Ma'zelle! CUT TO: INT. PAYPHONE BOOTH - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne is on the payphone in the bar from before. She speaks to Tom. Still DESPONDENT, tears stream down her face. JEANNE I've found a flat for us. 1 rue Jules Verne. Yes. In Passy. Come quickly! You'll come now? Do you know where it is? I'll wait for you. Come over. She struggles to HANG UP THE PHONE through her grief. She BREAKS DOWN, closing the door for privacy. 84. We can SEE HER through the door as she leans on it. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - DAY The front DOORBELL RINGS. JEANNE Come in, it's open. Tom comes in. Jeanne stares out the window. She is BATHED in sunlight. Tom LOOKS AROUND in b.g. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you like our flat? It's very light. There's a tiny room, too. It's too small for a double bed. It would be fine for a child. Fidel. That's a nice name for a boy. Fidel, as in Castro. TOM But I'd like a girl, too. Rosa. As in Rosa Luxemburg. Less famous, but I like it. You know, I wanted to film you every day. In the morning, when you wake up, in the evening, when you sleep. When you first smile, and I didn't film any of that. Here. He hands her FLOWERS. She REGARDS them. He circles to her front. TOM (CONT'D) Today is the last day of shooting. The film is finished. I don't like things that finish, things that end. You have to start something else right away. They EMBRACE and KISS. THAT ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Tom looks around the place. 85. TOM (CONT'D) This flat is huge! Jeanne has made her way to the DINING ROOM. TOM (CONT'D) Where are you? JEANNE I'm here! They continue shouting across the apt. TOM It's too big! We'll get lost! JEANNE Stop it! Don't start! TOM How did you find this flat? JEANNE By chance. TOM We'll change everything! Jeanne holds her ARMS OUT like a bird. JEANNE Everything! We'll change chance to destiny. TOM Go on, Jeanne. Take off! MUSIC RISES as Jeanne pretends to FLY AROUND the apt. from ROOM TO ROOM making AIRPLANE NOISES as Tom DIRECTS HER. TOM (CONT'D) Fly away, you're in heaven! You're soaring, you're in heaven! Come down, take a nose dive, come down! Make three turns, come down. Jeanne, what's happening? There's an air pocket. Tom gets SUDDENLY SERIOUS. JEANNE What's happening? 86. TOM The patches of turbulence are over. We can't play like children any more, Jeanne. This stops Jeanne in her TRACKS. They face each other. TOM (CONT'D) We're adults. JEANNE Adults? That's awful! TOM Yes. It's awful. JEANNE What do adults do? TOM I don't know. We'll have to invent the gestures and the words. For example, adults... He walks slowly toward her. They EMBRACE PASSIONATELY. They kiss. He breaks away again, SERIOUS. TOM (CONT'D) But there's one thing I do know. Adults are calm... He walks backward as Jeanne STALKS HIM. TOM (CONT'D) ...serious, logical, measured, level-headed... JEANNE Yes... TOM And... they face up to problems... JEANNE ...Yes, yes. Yes, yes. He STOPS ABRUPTLY. 87. TOM You see, Jeanne, this flat won't work for us. This flat, it won't work for us, Jeanne. JEANNE Where are you going? TOM To look for a flat. He walks out to a SHOCKED Jeanne. JEANNE What kind of flat? But he COMES BACK. TOM A flat we can live in. JEANNE We can live here. TOM It's squalid. It smells. It makes me sick.

sound

How many times the word 'sound' appears in the text?

COMES... PAUL You... You... You... You f... You... fucking... fucking... family. You fucking... family! Oh, God... Jesus. Oh, you... Oh... 58. He COLLAPSES on her, SPENT as she continues to WEEP. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - THAT MOMENT A TRAIN ROARS by on the TRAIN BRIDGE. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM Paul is SLEEPING on the floor amidst the BREAD AND BUTTER. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - MOMENTS LATER Another couple of TRAINS go by. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - LATER Paul SLEEPS more. On his STOMACH now, with his foot on a piece of FURNITURE. Jeanne puts a record on the RECORD PLAYER she brought with her. She goes to plug it into the FLOOR PLUG but gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. JEANNE Shit! She looks at him sleeping. JEANNE (CONT'D) Hey, you! He looks at her UPSIDE DOWN. JEANNE (CONT'D) Yes, you! PAUL Huh? JEANNE I've got a surprise for you. 59. PAUL What? He looks at himself in a SMALL MIRROR. JEANNE I've got a surprise for you! PAUL That's good. I like surprises. He FLIPS HIMSELF over backwards onto his feet. He walks over to her and the RECORD PLAYER. He stares down at her. PAUL (CONT'D) What is it? JEANNE Music. But I don't know how to work it. He sits on the FLOOR next to her. He plugs in the RECORD PLAYER. He JUMPS as he gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. Jeanne is secretly amused. PAUL Do you enjoy that? He gets the RECORD PLAYING. It's some 70's HIPPY MUSIC. Jeanne sways to it while Paul reads the JACKET COVER. CUT TO: EXT. PASSY VIADUCT PARK - DAY HIPPIE MUSIC CONTINUES Tom and Jeanne sit, ROMANTICALLY ENTWINED on a SEA WALL while his FILM CREW films in the b.g. They sit FACE TO FACE, he holds her shoulders and stares into her eyes. TOM Do you know why I sent the others away? JEANNE Because you're angry, or you want to be alone with me? 60. TOM And why do I want to be alone with you? JEANNE You have something really serious to tell me. He plays with her hair. TOM I have something really very serious to tell you. JEANNE Is it happy or sad? TOM It's a secret. JEANNE So it's happy. What sort of secret? TOM A secret... As his FILM CREW dolly around them in the b.g., his SOUND PERSON yells at them. SOUND PERSON Speak up! I can't hear anything. TOM ...between a man and a woman. JEANNE Is it dirty or is it about love? TOM About love. But that's not all. JEANNE A secret about love, but which isn't love. What is it?! He puts a LIFE PRESERVER over her. TOM Voila. That in a week I'm marrying you. JEANNE What? 61. TOM I'm marrying you. JEANNE What?! TOM I'm marrying you! JEANNE You're marrying me? TOM Yes! JEANNE We're getting married? TOM Yes we're getting married. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE No! TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM No. Are we getting married or not? JEANNE I don't know. 62. TOM So, yes, then? JEANNE Yes! TOM No! JEANNE Yes! TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes or no? She take the life preserver off and THROWS IT IN THE WATER. Together, they WATCH IT SINK. CUT TO: EXT. JEANNE'S MOTHERS APT. - PORCH - DAY JEANNE'S MOTHER beats the dirt off her LATE HUSBANDS MILITARY JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'll send everything to the country. What do you think, Jeanne? INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne tries on another of her FATHERS MILITARY UNIFORMS complete with HAT. JEANNE Olympia will be happy. I went there yesterday with Tom. Her mother joins her inside. She carries the FATHERS BOOTS. JEANNE (CONT'D) She's preparing a family museum. 63. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'm not sending the boots. I'm keeping them with me. I get strange shivers when I touch them. Jeanne goes into an ADJOINING ROOM while her mom continues reflecting, IRONING the JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER (CONT'D) All these military things never age. She looks up just in time to see that Jeanne has found her fathers gun and is pointing it in her direction. JEANNE When I was little, it seemed really heavy when Papa taught me how to shoot. JEANNE'S MOTHER I'm keeping that here. In a respectable household, it's useful to have a weapon. JEANNE You don't even know how to use it. JEANNE'S MOTHER The important thing is to have one. It makes an impression. JEANNE You really kept everything of Papa's. She shows her mom a picture she has scrounged up from her FATHERS WALLET of a TOPLESS NEGRO FEMALE. JEANNE (CONT'D) Who's that? His orderly? JEANNE'S MOTHER A fine example of a Berber. JEANNE Oh. 64. JEANNE'S MOTHER A strong race. I tried to employ them as servants, but it was disastrous. 'm glad I decided to send everything to the country. All his things were piling up and piling up. JEANNE Don't worry. You'll soon have all the space you want. JEANNE'S MOTHER What does that mean? JEANNE Nothing. She takes off the HAT and JACKET and throws them on the sofa. She heads to the FRONT DOOR with MOM FOLLOWING, on pins and needles. JEANNE (CONT'D) Madame, the colonel's lady, I announce... Mom RUNS IN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What? JEANNE On this solemn day... She goes out the door... JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What solemn day? She RUNS AFTER her daughter. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne is on the ELEVATOR. She sticks her head out. JEANNE I'm getting married in a week! She shuts the door and HEADS DOWN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What did you say? 65. Mom follows her down STEP FOR STEP. JEANNE To Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER Pardon? JEANNE Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER What are you doing in a week? CUT TO: EXT. OUTDOOR SHOP BAZAAR - DAY Tom and his FILM CREW film Jeanne trying on wedding dresses. He COUNTS DOWN to the shot. TOM Five... two! He does the CLAPPER with his hands. Jeanne and her HOST OF DRESSERS is lost in her fittings. TOM (CONT'D) Move into shot! We're shooting! They move into the center of the shop. We get another look at Jeanne's LEFT BREAST as it slips out of the dress being fitted. Tom fires off QUESTIONS for film purposes. TOM (CONT'D) So,... how do you see marriage? JEANNE Marriage? TOM Yes. Jeanne gives her upbeat EXTISTENTIAL RESPONSES as her fitting continues. JEANNE I see it everywhere. All the time. 66. TOM What do you mean, everywhere? JEANNE On walls. On buildings. TOM Walls and buildings? JEANNE Yes, on advertising hoardings. TOM What are they selling? Cars. Tinned meat. Cigarettes. JEANNE No. They're all about young couples. Before marriage, no children. Then the same couple, married with children. In short, marriage. The perfect, ideal, successful marriage. It's no longer the preserve of the Church. The husband was burdened with responsibilities and the wife nagged. Now, weddings in advertising smile! TOM They smile. On posters. JEANNE On posters, of course. But why t take poster marriage seriously? Marriage... Pop marriage! Tom comes out from under a DRESS. TOM Pop? That's the formula. For pop youth, pop marriage! But... what if the pop marriage doesn't work? JEANNE Then you have to fix it like you would a car. The spouses are two workers in overalls bending over an engine to fix it. TOM And in case of adultery what happens to the pop marriage? 67. JEANNE In that case, there are three or four workers. TOM What about love? Is love pop? JEANNE No. That's not. Love isn't pop. TOM Love isn't pop. So what is it? JEANNE The workers retire to a secret flat, take off their overalls and become men and women again and make love. The fussing on the dress is finished. Jeanne slowly, PUTS ON HER GLOVES, relishing them. She STRUTS slowly for all to stare and LAVISH her in her dress. Tom is CAPTIVATED. TOM You're wonderful. JEANNE It's the dress that makes the bride. TOM You're better than Rita Hayworth. He wanders out into the street. It is RAINING HEAVILY. Better than Joan Crawford! Better than Kim Novak! Better than Lauren Bacall! Better than Ava Gardner when she was Mickey Rooney's lover! Hes FILM CREW scatters for cover. TOM (CONT'D) What are you doing? Stop! Stop, but keep filming! Why aren't you filming in the rain? CREW 1 You're crazy! 68. They huddle underneath the DOOR of the FILM TRUCK. Tom has lost Jeanne in all the HUBUB. He is disgusted with his CREW. TOM You're all fired! He goes back to the SHOP. TOM (CONT'D) Where's Jeanne? DRESSER 1 She must have run off. TOM When? ln the rain? He runs down the street in the rain looking for her. JEANNE Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LOBBY - DAY Paul comes POINDING in from the rain. He STOMPS the water off his shoes. He breaks into an IMPROMPTU SOFT SHOE. He opens the gate to the ELEVATOR and gets on. He pushes the button. The elevator STARTS UP. JEANNE'S VOICE Please forgive me! Paul stops the elevator. He SENDS IT BACK DOWN. We see Jeanne has been waiting on the ADJACENT STAIRS for Paul. She is still in her WEDDING DRESS. She implores Paul from outside the elevator. JEANNE (FRENCH) Forgive me! I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. (ENGLISH) I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. I can't. I can't leave you, do you understand? 69. She stands, PLEADING at the ELEVATOR. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you still want me? Paul does the EYEBROW TRILL. He opens the elevator so she can get on. ELEVATOR As it ascends, Jeanne slowly RAISES HER DRESS, revealing NO UNDERWEAR and her AMPLE BUSH to Paul. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - ENTRANCE - MOMENTS LATER The door flies open. Paul comes in CARRYING Jeanne in his arms. PAUL Voil ! He starts doing a JIG AND SONG... all the way to the MATTRESSES. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh, there once was a man And he had an old sow ow! Hi-diddle- dow... He puts her on the bed. She is GIGGLING. PAUL (CONT'D) You're wet. Paul pats her stomach and leaves the room. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Paul opens the curtains. Jeanne's SCREAMS come from the other room. He goes to investigate. PAUL (CONT'D) What the hell? BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne screams BLOODY MURDER and points to a DEAD RAT on the STILL UNMADE MATTRESS. 70. PAUL (CONT'D) A rat. Only a rat. He PICKS IT UP by the tail. She stumbles over herself to get away. PAUL (CONT'D) There are more rats in Paris than people. Yum, yum, yum. He holds it out, OFFERING IT to her. She freaks. She runs to the other side of the room. JEANNE I want to go! He brings it to her... she continues to BACK PEDDLE. PAUL Wait, wait! Don't you want a bite first? You don't want to run and eat. JEANNE This is the end! He points to the ASS of the RAT. PAUL No, this is the end... Then points to the HEAD. PAUL (CONT'D) ...but I like to start with the head. That's the best part. Are you sure you won't have any? OK. He DANGLES IT over his mouth, flitting his tounge, pretending to eat it. She is gonna HURL. PAUL (CONT'D) What's the matter? You don't dig rat? JEANNE I wanna go! I can't make love in this bed any more. I can't. It's disgusting! Nauseating! PAUL Well, we'll fuck on the radiator or standing on the mantel. 71. He holds up the RAT again. PAUL (CONT'D) Listen, I gotta get some mayonnaise for this. Because, it really is good with mayonnaise. He heads out, then stops and LOOKS BACK AT HER. PAUL (CONT'D) I'll save the asshole for you. He really leaves this time. PAUL'S VOICE Rat's asshole with mayonnaise! He LAUGHS at himself. Jeanne is a BASKET CASE. She sits on her HAUNCHES, muttering. JEANNE I want to get out of here. I want to go. I can't stand it here any more. Yes. I'm going. She gets up, gets her purse and goes to the door. We see her ASS through the SHEER FABRIC of her wedding dress. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm not coming back... ever. She gets to the... FRONT DOOR Paul is there, WAITING, NONCHALANT. PAUL Quo vadis, baby? JEANNE I forgot to tell you something. I fell in love with somebody. PAUL Oh, isn't that wonderful? You know, you're going to have to get out of these wet duds. He PATS HER ASS. JEANNE I'm going to make love with him! 72. She opens the door but he closes it. She STOMPS into the HALL. PAUL Well, first you have to take a hot bath. Cos if you don't... He walks toward her. PAUL (CONT'D) ...you're gonna get pneumonia, right? Huh? She STOMPS a few more steps toward the BATHROOM. PAUL (CONT'D) And then you know what happens? You get pneumonia, then you know what happens? You die. And then, you know what happens when you die? I get to fuck the dead rat! He THROWS HER OVER his shoulder and carries her KICKING AND SCREAMING into the... CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM Jeanne is in the BATHTUB. Paul sits on the BIDET behind her with a WASHCLOTH. PAUL Give me the soap. She does. JEANNE I'm in love. PAUL You're in love? He shoves her head UNDER THE WATER. PAUL (CONT'D) How delightful. She comes up ANGRY. JEANNE I'm in love! I'm in love, you understand? 73. He SMACKS her with the washcloth on the head. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm in love, I'm in love! He SHOVES HER under again. JEANNE (CONT'D) Oh! I'm in love! He HITS HER on the head with her own shoe. She just gets more ANGRY. JEANNE (CONT'D) You know, you're old! You're getting fat. PAUL Fat, is it? How unkind. JEANNE Half of your hair is out and the other half is almost white. He smacks her in the mouth with the wash cloth, she smiles. PAUL In ten years, you'll be playing soccer with your tits. He starts WASHING HER back. PAUL (CONT'D) What do you think of that? You know what I'm gonna be doing? JEANNE You will be on a... wheelchair! PAUL Well, maybe. But, you know... I'll be smirking and giggling all the way to eternity. JEANNE How poetic. But please, before you go, wash my feet. She holds up A FOOT. PAUL OK. oblesse oblige. 74. He sits on the edge of the TUB and grabs her foot. He takes a sniff... She pulls it away. JEANNE You know, he and I, we make love. He WASHES her foot. PAUL Oh, really? That's wonderful. Is he a good fucker? JEANNE Magnificent. He puts up the OTHER FOOT to was, he obliges again. PAUL You know, you're a jerk. Cos the best fucking you're gonna get is right here in this apartment. Stand up. She does. He washes her ASS. JEANNE He is full of mysteries. PAUL Give me the soap. Listen, you dumb dodo. All the mysteries that you're ever gonna know in life are right here. He washes her STOMACH. JEANNE He is like everybody but... at the same time he's different. PAUL You mean, like everybody. JEANNE Yeah, but... even he fright me. Even he frightens me. PAUL What is he, your local pimp? JEANNE He could be. He looks it. You know why I'm in love with him? 75. PAUL I can't wait. JEANNE Because he know. He know how to make me fall in love with him. She gets out. He COVERS her with a BIG RED TOWEL. PAUL You want this man you love to protect and take care of you. JEANNE Yeah. PAUL You want this golden, shining, powerful warrior to build a fortress where you can hide in. So you don't have to ever... have... You don't ever have to be afraid. You don't have to feel lonely or empty. That's what you want, isn't it? JEANNE Yes. PAUL Well, you'll never find it. JEANNE But I find this man. PAUL Then it won't be long until he'll want you to build a fortress for him out of your tits and out of your cunt and your hair and your smile and the way you smell. And... and some place where he can feel comfortable and secure enough so that he can worship in front of the altar of his own prick. JEANNE But I find this man! They lean against SEPERATE WALLS. 76. PAUL No, you're alone. You're all alone. You won't be free of that feeling of being alone until you look death right in the face. I mean, that sounds like bullshit, some romantic crap, until you go right up into the ass of death. Right up in his ass... till you find the womb of fear. And then,... maybe... Maybe then, you'll be able to find him. JEANNE But I find this man. He's you! You are that man! Paul doesn't like that comment. He needs to TEACH HER another LESSON. He bites a HANGNAIL. PAUL Get me the scissors. JEANNE What? PAUL Get me the fingernail scissors. She STOMPS past him to get them, hands them to him. PAUL (CONT'D) No. I want you to cut the fingernails on your right hand, these two. She DOES. JEANNE That's it. He stands FACING the wall and PULLS HIS pants down. PAUL I want you to put your fingers up my ass. JEANNE What? PAUL Put your fingers up my ass, are you deaf? Go on. I'm gonna get a pig... and I'm... I'm gonna have the pig fuck you. (MORE) 77. PAUL (CONT'D) I want the pig to vomit in your face and I want you to swallow the vomit. Are you gonna do that for me? JEANNE Yeah. PAUL Huh? JEANNE Yeah! PAUL I want the pig to die while... while you're fucking him. Then you'll have to go behind him. I want you to smell the dying farts of the pig. Are you gonna do all of that for me? JEANNE Yes, and more than that! And worse! And worse than before. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - TEMPORARY VIEWING ROOM - DAY ROSA'S WAKE. Rosa's mother has set up a room in the Hotel as a VIEWING ROOM for her daughter. She is, as promised, surrounded by TONS OF FLOWERS. Paul comes in and pulls up a chair next to ROSA. He turns on the LIGHT. PAUL You look ridiculous in that make- up. Like the caricature of a whore. A little touch of Mommy in the night. Fake Ophelia drowned in the bathtub. I wish you could see yourself. You'd really laugh. You're your mother's masterpiece. He pulls the chair closer to her. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh Christ! There are too many fucking flowers in this place. I can't breathe. You know on the top of the closet? (MORE) 78. PAUL (CONT'D) The cardboard box, I found all your... I found all your little goodies. Pens, keychains, foreign money, French ticklers, the whole shot. Even a clergyman's collar. I didn't know you collected all those little knick-knacks left behind. Even if the husband lives fucking years, he's never going to be able to discover his wife's real nature. I mean, I... I might be able to comprehend the universe, but... 'll never discover the truth bout you. Never. I mean, who the hell were you? Remember that day, the first day I was there? I knew that I couldn't get into your pants unless I said... What did I say? Oh, yeah. "May I have my bill, please? I have to leave." Remember? Last night... I ripped off the lights on your mother. And the whole joint went bananas. All your... guests... as you used to call them... Well, I guess that includes me, doesn't it? It does include me, doesn't it? For five years, I was more a guest in this fucking flophouse than a husband. With privileges, of course. And then, to help me understand you, you let me inherit Marcel. The husband's double, whose room was the double of ours. And you know what? I didn't even have the guts to ask him. Didn't have the guts to ask him if the same numbers you and I did were the same numbers you did with him. Our marriage was nothing more than a foxhole for you. And all it took for you to get out was a -cent razor and a tub full of water. You cheap, goddamn, fucking, godforsaken whore. I hope you rot in hell. You're worse than the dirtiest street pig anybody could find, and you know why? You know why? Because you lied. You lied to me and I trusted you. You lied. You knew you were lying! Go on, tell me you didn't lie. Haven't you got anything to say about that? You can think up something, can't you? (MORE) 79. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me something! Smile, you cunt! He STARTS to WEEP. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me... Tell me something sweet. Smile at me and say I just misunderstood. Go on, tell me. You pig-fucker! You goddamn, fucking, pig-fucking liar. Rosa, I'm sorry... I just can't... I can't stand it... to see these goddamn things on your face. You never wore make-up. This fucking shit. I'm gonna take this off your mouth. This lipstick... Rosa... Oh, God! He COLLAPSES on her, SOBBING. PAUL (CONT'D) I'm sorry. I don't know why you did it. I'd do it too, if I knew how. I just don't know how. I have to... I have to find a way. [OC] We hear a voice. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Is anyone there? PAUL What? PROSTITUTE'S VOICE There was a noise in there! PAUL All right, I'm... I'm coming. (back to ROSA) I have to go. I have to go, sweetheart, baby. Somebody's calling me. He starts to the door. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Well? Is anyone there? PAUL Yeah. I'm coming. CUT TO: 80. INT. HOTEL - ENTRANCE - DAY Outside the FRONT DOOR, the source of the voice, a WORN OUT and OLD PROSTITUTE. She is with her JOHN. PROSTITUTE (TO JOHN) Here he is. (TO PAUL) Hurry up! Wake up! Open up! Open up! PAUL It's four in the morning. PROSTITUTE I need room four for a while. (TO JOHN) Half an hour? (TO PAUL) Yes, that'll do. Yes, half an hour. PAUL We're full. She knocks on the door, INCESANTLY. PROSTITUTE That's not true. When you're full, you put a sign outside. I know the hotel. I'm sick of arguing out on the street. Call the owner. What are you waiting for? The owner has never made a fuss. Rosa and I are old friends. Open up. Paul opens up. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Don't make any trouble or I'll tell your boss. (TO JOHN) Come in, it's all sorted... But the man has LEFT. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) You've won. He's taken off. PAUL I'm very sorry. PROSTITUTE Hurry up! He can't be far away. 81. She PUSHES him out to the street. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Make him come back. Tell him he can't just walk off. She SHOVES HIM out the door and DOWN THE STREET. Paul CHASES the man on foot for BLOCKS and BLOCKS. He finally CATCHES UP to him in a --- CUT TO: EXT. PARIS STREET - ALLEY - MORNING The JOHN figures he has gotten away. He reverses his TRENCH COAT to the appropriate side. Paul comes around the corner. The John doesn't see any HOSTILITY coming. But it DOES. JOHN Oh,... please don't tell her you found me. I don't fancy it any more. Did you see her face? Once, my wife satisfied me. But now she's got a skin disease. It's like snakeskin. Put yourself in my place. Paul grabs him by the tie and drags him. PAUL Come. Come with me. The man FIGHTS BACK. JOHN But... Let go of me! Paul doesn't like that. He ROUGHS HIM UP, throwing him from WALL TO WALL. JOHN (CONT'D) You're crazy! Let go of me! Let go! He ends up on the ground MINUS HIS COAT. Paul KICKS HIM IN THE ASS like a dog. PAUL Get the fuck out of here! 82. The man RUNS OFF. PAUL (CONT'D) Faggot! Paul heads back up the ALLEY as the man CONTINUES OFF in the f.g. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - PAUL AND ROSA'S ROOM - DAY Paul lays down on his TWIN BED with his ROBE on over his clothes. We see that his BAGS ARE PACKED. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - BEDROOM - DAY We see that the mattress is gone. Only a pile of sheets and pillows remain in the room. Jeanne is on the floor, on her knees, doubled over in SICK GRIEF. PAUL HAS MOVED OUT. JEANNE No! She WANDERS through the apt., GRIEF STRICKEN, from room to room. We see only a FEW BELONGINGS left around. Shoes, the CAT (where was it for the "rat problem"?) and phone. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne RIPS THE SHEET OFF the piece of furniture that has been COVERED UP all along. We all wondered what was underneath that was so precious. It's nothing special. She COLLAPSES in grief again, the furniture falling on her, she KICKS IT OFF. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - FRONT DESK - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne talks to the CRAZY Concierge from BEFORE. Her head STUCK through the LITTLE WINDOW while the crazy woman PUFFS a cig. 83. JEANNE Try and remember! The man from the fourth floor. He moved in a few days ago. CONCIERGE I told you, I don't know anyone. They come and go. The man on the fourth, the woman on the first. What do I know? She gives a CRAZY CACKLE. JEANNE Where did they take the furniture too? It's empty. Where do you send his mail? Give me his address. CONCIERGE I don't have it. I don't know these people. JEANNE Not even his name? CONCIERGE Nothing! Jeanne STORMS OUT. CONCIERGE (CONT'D) Ma'zelle! CUT TO: INT. PAYPHONE BOOTH - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne is on the payphone in the bar from before. She speaks to Tom. Still DESPONDENT, tears stream down her face. JEANNE I've found a flat for us. 1 rue Jules Verne. Yes. In Passy. Come quickly! You'll come now? Do you know where it is? I'll wait for you. Come over. She struggles to HANG UP THE PHONE through her grief. She BREAKS DOWN, closing the door for privacy. 84. We can SEE HER through the door as she leans on it. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - DAY The front DOORBELL RINGS. JEANNE Come in, it's open. Tom comes in. Jeanne stares out the window. She is BATHED in sunlight. Tom LOOKS AROUND in b.g. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you like our flat? It's very light. There's a tiny room, too. It's too small for a double bed. It would be fine for a child. Fidel. That's a nice name for a boy. Fidel, as in Castro. TOM But I'd like a girl, too. Rosa. As in Rosa Luxemburg. Less famous, but I like it. You know, I wanted to film you every day. In the morning, when you wake up, in the evening, when you sleep. When you first smile, and I didn't film any of that. Here. He hands her FLOWERS. She REGARDS them. He circles to her front. TOM (CONT'D) Today is the last day of shooting. The film is finished. I don't like things that finish, things that end. You have to start something else right away. They EMBRACE and KISS. THAT ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Tom looks around the place. 85. TOM (CONT'D) This flat is huge! Jeanne has made her way to the DINING ROOM. TOM (CONT'D) Where are you? JEANNE I'm here! They continue shouting across the apt. TOM It's too big! We'll get lost! JEANNE Stop it! Don't start! TOM How did you find this flat? JEANNE By chance. TOM We'll change everything! Jeanne holds her ARMS OUT like a bird. JEANNE Everything! We'll change chance to destiny. TOM Go on, Jeanne. Take off! MUSIC RISES as Jeanne pretends to FLY AROUND the apt. from ROOM TO ROOM making AIRPLANE NOISES as Tom DIRECTS HER. TOM (CONT'D) Fly away, you're in heaven! You're soaring, you're in heaven! Come down, take a nose dive, come down! Make three turns, come down. Jeanne, what's happening? There's an air pocket. Tom gets SUDDENLY SERIOUS. JEANNE What's happening? 86. TOM The patches of turbulence are over. We can't play like children any more, Jeanne. This stops Jeanne in her TRACKS. They face each other. TOM (CONT'D) We're adults. JEANNE Adults? That's awful! TOM Yes. It's awful. JEANNE What do adults do? TOM I don't know. We'll have to invent the gestures and the words. For example, adults... He walks slowly toward her. They EMBRACE PASSIONATELY. They kiss. He breaks away again, SERIOUS. TOM (CONT'D) But there's one thing I do know. Adults are calm... He walks backward as Jeanne STALKS HIM. TOM (CONT'D) ...serious, logical, measured, level-headed... JEANNE Yes... TOM And... they face up to problems... JEANNE ...Yes, yes. Yes, yes. He STOPS ABRUPTLY. 87. TOM You see, Jeanne, this flat won't work for us. This flat, it won't work for us, Jeanne. JEANNE Where are you going? TOM To look for a flat. He walks out to a SHOCKED Jeanne. JEANNE What kind of flat? But he COMES BACK. TOM A flat we can live in. JEANNE We can live here. TOM It's squalid. It smells. It makes me sick.

himself

How many times the word 'himself' appears in the text?

COMES... PAUL You... You... You... You f... You... fucking... fucking... family. You fucking... family! Oh, God... Jesus. Oh, you... Oh... 58. He COLLAPSES on her, SPENT as she continues to WEEP. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - THAT MOMENT A TRAIN ROARS by on the TRAIN BRIDGE. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM Paul is SLEEPING on the floor amidst the BREAD AND BUTTER. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - MOMENTS LATER Another couple of TRAINS go by. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - LATER Paul SLEEPS more. On his STOMACH now, with his foot on a piece of FURNITURE. Jeanne puts a record on the RECORD PLAYER she brought with her. She goes to plug it into the FLOOR PLUG but gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. JEANNE Shit! She looks at him sleeping. JEANNE (CONT'D) Hey, you! He looks at her UPSIDE DOWN. JEANNE (CONT'D) Yes, you! PAUL Huh? JEANNE I've got a surprise for you. 59. PAUL What? He looks at himself in a SMALL MIRROR. JEANNE I've got a surprise for you! PAUL That's good. I like surprises. He FLIPS HIMSELF over backwards onto his feet. He walks over to her and the RECORD PLAYER. He stares down at her. PAUL (CONT'D) What is it? JEANNE Music. But I don't know how to work it. He sits on the FLOOR next to her. He plugs in the RECORD PLAYER. He JUMPS as he gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. Jeanne is secretly amused. PAUL Do you enjoy that? He gets the RECORD PLAYING. It's some 70's HIPPY MUSIC. Jeanne sways to it while Paul reads the JACKET COVER. CUT TO: EXT. PASSY VIADUCT PARK - DAY HIPPIE MUSIC CONTINUES Tom and Jeanne sit, ROMANTICALLY ENTWINED on a SEA WALL while his FILM CREW films in the b.g. They sit FACE TO FACE, he holds her shoulders and stares into her eyes. TOM Do you know why I sent the others away? JEANNE Because you're angry, or you want to be alone with me? 60. TOM And why do I want to be alone with you? JEANNE You have something really serious to tell me. He plays with her hair. TOM I have something really very serious to tell you. JEANNE Is it happy or sad? TOM It's a secret. JEANNE So it's happy. What sort of secret? TOM A secret... As his FILM CREW dolly around them in the b.g., his SOUND PERSON yells at them. SOUND PERSON Speak up! I can't hear anything. TOM ...between a man and a woman. JEANNE Is it dirty or is it about love? TOM About love. But that's not all. JEANNE A secret about love, but which isn't love. What is it?! He puts a LIFE PRESERVER over her. TOM Voila. That in a week I'm marrying you. JEANNE What? 61. TOM I'm marrying you. JEANNE What?! TOM I'm marrying you! JEANNE You're marrying me? TOM Yes! JEANNE We're getting married? TOM Yes we're getting married. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE No! TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM No. Are we getting married or not? JEANNE I don't know. 62. TOM So, yes, then? JEANNE Yes! TOM No! JEANNE Yes! TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes or no? She take the life preserver off and THROWS IT IN THE WATER. Together, they WATCH IT SINK. CUT TO: EXT. JEANNE'S MOTHERS APT. - PORCH - DAY JEANNE'S MOTHER beats the dirt off her LATE HUSBANDS MILITARY JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'll send everything to the country. What do you think, Jeanne? INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne tries on another of her FATHERS MILITARY UNIFORMS complete with HAT. JEANNE Olympia will be happy. I went there yesterday with Tom. Her mother joins her inside. She carries the FATHERS BOOTS. JEANNE (CONT'D) She's preparing a family museum. 63. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'm not sending the boots. I'm keeping them with me. I get strange shivers when I touch them. Jeanne goes into an ADJOINING ROOM while her mom continues reflecting, IRONING the JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER (CONT'D) All these military things never age. She looks up just in time to see that Jeanne has found her fathers gun and is pointing it in her direction. JEANNE When I was little, it seemed really heavy when Papa taught me how to shoot. JEANNE'S MOTHER I'm keeping that here. In a respectable household, it's useful to have a weapon. JEANNE You don't even know how to use it. JEANNE'S MOTHER The important thing is to have one. It makes an impression. JEANNE You really kept everything of Papa's. She shows her mom a picture she has scrounged up from her FATHERS WALLET of a TOPLESS NEGRO FEMALE. JEANNE (CONT'D) Who's that? His orderly? JEANNE'S MOTHER A fine example of a Berber. JEANNE Oh. 64. JEANNE'S MOTHER A strong race. I tried to employ them as servants, but it was disastrous. 'm glad I decided to send everything to the country. All his things were piling up and piling up. JEANNE Don't worry. You'll soon have all the space you want. JEANNE'S MOTHER What does that mean? JEANNE Nothing. She takes off the HAT and JACKET and throws them on the sofa. She heads to the FRONT DOOR with MOM FOLLOWING, on pins and needles. JEANNE (CONT'D) Madame, the colonel's lady, I announce... Mom RUNS IN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What? JEANNE On this solemn day... She goes out the door... JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What solemn day? She RUNS AFTER her daughter. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne is on the ELEVATOR. She sticks her head out. JEANNE I'm getting married in a week! She shuts the door and HEADS DOWN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What did you say? 65. Mom follows her down STEP FOR STEP. JEANNE To Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER Pardon? JEANNE Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER What are you doing in a week? CUT TO: EXT. OUTDOOR SHOP BAZAAR - DAY Tom and his FILM CREW film Jeanne trying on wedding dresses. He COUNTS DOWN to the shot. TOM Five... two! He does the CLAPPER with his hands. Jeanne and her HOST OF DRESSERS is lost in her fittings. TOM (CONT'D) Move into shot! We're shooting! They move into the center of the shop. We get another look at Jeanne's LEFT BREAST as it slips out of the dress being fitted. Tom fires off QUESTIONS for film purposes. TOM (CONT'D) So,... how do you see marriage? JEANNE Marriage? TOM Yes. Jeanne gives her upbeat EXTISTENTIAL RESPONSES as her fitting continues. JEANNE I see it everywhere. All the time. 66. TOM What do you mean, everywhere? JEANNE On walls. On buildings. TOM Walls and buildings? JEANNE Yes, on advertising hoardings. TOM What are they selling? Cars. Tinned meat. Cigarettes. JEANNE No. They're all about young couples. Before marriage, no children. Then the same couple, married with children. In short, marriage. The perfect, ideal, successful marriage. It's no longer the preserve of the Church. The husband was burdened with responsibilities and the wife nagged. Now, weddings in advertising smile! TOM They smile. On posters. JEANNE On posters, of course. But why t take poster marriage seriously? Marriage... Pop marriage! Tom comes out from under a DRESS. TOM Pop? That's the formula. For pop youth, pop marriage! But... what if the pop marriage doesn't work? JEANNE Then you have to fix it like you would a car. The spouses are two workers in overalls bending over an engine to fix it. TOM And in case of adultery what happens to the pop marriage? 67. JEANNE In that case, there are three or four workers. TOM What about love? Is love pop? JEANNE No. That's not. Love isn't pop. TOM Love isn't pop. So what is it? JEANNE The workers retire to a secret flat, take off their overalls and become men and women again and make love. The fussing on the dress is finished. Jeanne slowly, PUTS ON HER GLOVES, relishing them. She STRUTS slowly for all to stare and LAVISH her in her dress. Tom is CAPTIVATED. TOM You're wonderful. JEANNE It's the dress that makes the bride. TOM You're better than Rita Hayworth. He wanders out into the street. It is RAINING HEAVILY. Better than Joan Crawford! Better than Kim Novak! Better than Lauren Bacall! Better than Ava Gardner when she was Mickey Rooney's lover! Hes FILM CREW scatters for cover. TOM (CONT'D) What are you doing? Stop! Stop, but keep filming! Why aren't you filming in the rain? CREW 1 You're crazy! 68. They huddle underneath the DOOR of the FILM TRUCK. Tom has lost Jeanne in all the HUBUB. He is disgusted with his CREW. TOM You're all fired! He goes back to the SHOP. TOM (CONT'D) Where's Jeanne? DRESSER 1 She must have run off. TOM When? ln the rain? He runs down the street in the rain looking for her. JEANNE Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LOBBY - DAY Paul comes POINDING in from the rain. He STOMPS the water off his shoes. He breaks into an IMPROMPTU SOFT SHOE. He opens the gate to the ELEVATOR and gets on. He pushes the button. The elevator STARTS UP. JEANNE'S VOICE Please forgive me! Paul stops the elevator. He SENDS IT BACK DOWN. We see Jeanne has been waiting on the ADJACENT STAIRS for Paul. She is still in her WEDDING DRESS. She implores Paul from outside the elevator. JEANNE (FRENCH) Forgive me! I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. (ENGLISH) I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. I can't. I can't leave you, do you understand? 69. She stands, PLEADING at the ELEVATOR. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you still want me? Paul does the EYEBROW TRILL. He opens the elevator so she can get on. ELEVATOR As it ascends, Jeanne slowly RAISES HER DRESS, revealing NO UNDERWEAR and her AMPLE BUSH to Paul. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - ENTRANCE - MOMENTS LATER The door flies open. Paul comes in CARRYING Jeanne in his arms. PAUL Voil ! He starts doing a JIG AND SONG... all the way to the MATTRESSES. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh, there once was a man And he had an old sow ow! Hi-diddle- dow... He puts her on the bed. She is GIGGLING. PAUL (CONT'D) You're wet. Paul pats her stomach and leaves the room. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Paul opens the curtains. Jeanne's SCREAMS come from the other room. He goes to investigate. PAUL (CONT'D) What the hell? BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne screams BLOODY MURDER and points to a DEAD RAT on the STILL UNMADE MATTRESS. 70. PAUL (CONT'D) A rat. Only a rat. He PICKS IT UP by the tail. She stumbles over herself to get away. PAUL (CONT'D) There are more rats in Paris than people. Yum, yum, yum. He holds it out, OFFERING IT to her. She freaks. She runs to the other side of the room. JEANNE I want to go! He brings it to her... she continues to BACK PEDDLE. PAUL Wait, wait! Don't you want a bite first? You don't want to run and eat. JEANNE This is the end! He points to the ASS of the RAT. PAUL No, this is the end... Then points to the HEAD. PAUL (CONT'D) ...but I like to start with the head. That's the best part. Are you sure you won't have any? OK. He DANGLES IT over his mouth, flitting his tounge, pretending to eat it. She is gonna HURL. PAUL (CONT'D) What's the matter? You don't dig rat? JEANNE I wanna go! I can't make love in this bed any more. I can't. It's disgusting! Nauseating! PAUL Well, we'll fuck on the radiator or standing on the mantel. 71. He holds up the RAT again. PAUL (CONT'D) Listen, I gotta get some mayonnaise for this. Because, it really is good with mayonnaise. He heads out, then stops and LOOKS BACK AT HER. PAUL (CONT'D) I'll save the asshole for you. He really leaves this time. PAUL'S VOICE Rat's asshole with mayonnaise! He LAUGHS at himself. Jeanne is a BASKET CASE. She sits on her HAUNCHES, muttering. JEANNE I want to get out of here. I want to go. I can't stand it here any more. Yes. I'm going. She gets up, gets her purse and goes to the door. We see her ASS through the SHEER FABRIC of her wedding dress. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm not coming back... ever. She gets to the... FRONT DOOR Paul is there, WAITING, NONCHALANT. PAUL Quo vadis, baby? JEANNE I forgot to tell you something. I fell in love with somebody. PAUL Oh, isn't that wonderful? You know, you're going to have to get out of these wet duds. He PATS HER ASS. JEANNE I'm going to make love with him! 72. She opens the door but he closes it. She STOMPS into the HALL. PAUL Well, first you have to take a hot bath. Cos if you don't... He walks toward her. PAUL (CONT'D) ...you're gonna get pneumonia, right? Huh? She STOMPS a few more steps toward the BATHROOM. PAUL (CONT'D) And then you know what happens? You get pneumonia, then you know what happens? You die. And then, you know what happens when you die? I get to fuck the dead rat! He THROWS HER OVER his shoulder and carries her KICKING AND SCREAMING into the... CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM Jeanne is in the BATHTUB. Paul sits on the BIDET behind her with a WASHCLOTH. PAUL Give me the soap. She does. JEANNE I'm in love. PAUL You're in love? He shoves her head UNDER THE WATER. PAUL (CONT'D) How delightful. She comes up ANGRY. JEANNE I'm in love! I'm in love, you understand? 73. He SMACKS her with the washcloth on the head. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm in love, I'm in love! He SHOVES HER under again. JEANNE (CONT'D) Oh! I'm in love! He HITS HER on the head with her own shoe. She just gets more ANGRY. JEANNE (CONT'D) You know, you're old! You're getting fat. PAUL Fat, is it? How unkind. JEANNE Half of your hair is out and the other half is almost white. He smacks her in the mouth with the wash cloth, she smiles. PAUL In ten years, you'll be playing soccer with your tits. He starts WASHING HER back. PAUL (CONT'D) What do you think of that? You know what I'm gonna be doing? JEANNE You will be on a... wheelchair! PAUL Well, maybe. But, you know... I'll be smirking and giggling all the way to eternity. JEANNE How poetic. But please, before you go, wash my feet. She holds up A FOOT. PAUL OK. oblesse oblige. 74. He sits on the edge of the TUB and grabs her foot. He takes a sniff... She pulls it away. JEANNE You know, he and I, we make love. He WASHES her foot. PAUL Oh, really? That's wonderful. Is he a good fucker? JEANNE Magnificent. He puts up the OTHER FOOT to was, he obliges again. PAUL You know, you're a jerk. Cos the best fucking you're gonna get is right here in this apartment. Stand up. She does. He washes her ASS. JEANNE He is full of mysteries. PAUL Give me the soap. Listen, you dumb dodo. All the mysteries that you're ever gonna know in life are right here. He washes her STOMACH. JEANNE He is like everybody but... at the same time he's different. PAUL You mean, like everybody. JEANNE Yeah, but... even he fright me. Even he frightens me. PAUL What is he, your local pimp? JEANNE He could be. He looks it. You know why I'm in love with him? 75. PAUL I can't wait. JEANNE Because he know. He know how to make me fall in love with him. She gets out. He COVERS her with a BIG RED TOWEL. PAUL You want this man you love to protect and take care of you. JEANNE Yeah. PAUL You want this golden, shining, powerful warrior to build a fortress where you can hide in. So you don't have to ever... have... You don't ever have to be afraid. You don't have to feel lonely or empty. That's what you want, isn't it? JEANNE Yes. PAUL Well, you'll never find it. JEANNE But I find this man. PAUL Then it won't be long until he'll want you to build a fortress for him out of your tits and out of your cunt and your hair and your smile and the way you smell. And... and some place where he can feel comfortable and secure enough so that he can worship in front of the altar of his own prick. JEANNE But I find this man! They lean against SEPERATE WALLS. 76. PAUL No, you're alone. You're all alone. You won't be free of that feeling of being alone until you look death right in the face. I mean, that sounds like bullshit, some romantic crap, until you go right up into the ass of death. Right up in his ass... till you find the womb of fear. And then,... maybe... Maybe then, you'll be able to find him. JEANNE But I find this man. He's you! You are that man! Paul doesn't like that comment. He needs to TEACH HER another LESSON. He bites a HANGNAIL. PAUL Get me the scissors. JEANNE What? PAUL Get me the fingernail scissors. She STOMPS past him to get them, hands them to him. PAUL (CONT'D) No. I want you to cut the fingernails on your right hand, these two. She DOES. JEANNE That's it. He stands FACING the wall and PULLS HIS pants down. PAUL I want you to put your fingers up my ass. JEANNE What? PAUL Put your fingers up my ass, are you deaf? Go on. I'm gonna get a pig... and I'm... I'm gonna have the pig fuck you. (MORE) 77. PAUL (CONT'D) I want the pig to vomit in your face and I want you to swallow the vomit. Are you gonna do that for me? JEANNE Yeah. PAUL Huh? JEANNE Yeah! PAUL I want the pig to die while... while you're fucking him. Then you'll have to go behind him. I want you to smell the dying farts of the pig. Are you gonna do all of that for me? JEANNE Yes, and more than that! And worse! And worse than before. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - TEMPORARY VIEWING ROOM - DAY ROSA'S WAKE. Rosa's mother has set up a room in the Hotel as a VIEWING ROOM for her daughter. She is, as promised, surrounded by TONS OF FLOWERS. Paul comes in and pulls up a chair next to ROSA. He turns on the LIGHT. PAUL You look ridiculous in that make- up. Like the caricature of a whore. A little touch of Mommy in the night. Fake Ophelia drowned in the bathtub. I wish you could see yourself. You'd really laugh. You're your mother's masterpiece. He pulls the chair closer to her. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh Christ! There are too many fucking flowers in this place. I can't breathe. You know on the top of the closet? (MORE) 78. PAUL (CONT'D) The cardboard box, I found all your... I found all your little goodies. Pens, keychains, foreign money, French ticklers, the whole shot. Even a clergyman's collar. I didn't know you collected all those little knick-knacks left behind. Even if the husband lives fucking years, he's never going to be able to discover his wife's real nature. I mean, I... I might be able to comprehend the universe, but... 'll never discover the truth bout you. Never. I mean, who the hell were you? Remember that day, the first day I was there? I knew that I couldn't get into your pants unless I said... What did I say? Oh, yeah. "May I have my bill, please? I have to leave." Remember? Last night... I ripped off the lights on your mother. And the whole joint went bananas. All your... guests... as you used to call them... Well, I guess that includes me, doesn't it? It does include me, doesn't it? For five years, I was more a guest in this fucking flophouse than a husband. With privileges, of course. And then, to help me understand you, you let me inherit Marcel. The husband's double, whose room was the double of ours. And you know what? I didn't even have the guts to ask him. Didn't have the guts to ask him if the same numbers you and I did were the same numbers you did with him. Our marriage was nothing more than a foxhole for you. And all it took for you to get out was a -cent razor and a tub full of water. You cheap, goddamn, fucking, godforsaken whore. I hope you rot in hell. You're worse than the dirtiest street pig anybody could find, and you know why? You know why? Because you lied. You lied to me and I trusted you. You lied. You knew you were lying! Go on, tell me you didn't lie. Haven't you got anything to say about that? You can think up something, can't you? (MORE) 79. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me something! Smile, you cunt! He STARTS to WEEP. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me... Tell me something sweet. Smile at me and say I just misunderstood. Go on, tell me. You pig-fucker! You goddamn, fucking, pig-fucking liar. Rosa, I'm sorry... I just can't... I can't stand it... to see these goddamn things on your face. You never wore make-up. This fucking shit. I'm gonna take this off your mouth. This lipstick... Rosa... Oh, God! He COLLAPSES on her, SOBBING. PAUL (CONT'D) I'm sorry. I don't know why you did it. I'd do it too, if I knew how. I just don't know how. I have to... I have to find a way. [OC] We hear a voice. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Is anyone there? PAUL What? PROSTITUTE'S VOICE There was a noise in there! PAUL All right, I'm... I'm coming. (back to ROSA) I have to go. I have to go, sweetheart, baby. Somebody's calling me. He starts to the door. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Well? Is anyone there? PAUL Yeah. I'm coming. CUT TO: 80. INT. HOTEL - ENTRANCE - DAY Outside the FRONT DOOR, the source of the voice, a WORN OUT and OLD PROSTITUTE. She is with her JOHN. PROSTITUTE (TO JOHN) Here he is. (TO PAUL) Hurry up! Wake up! Open up! Open up! PAUL It's four in the morning. PROSTITUTE I need room four for a while. (TO JOHN) Half an hour? (TO PAUL) Yes, that'll do. Yes, half an hour. PAUL We're full. She knocks on the door, INCESANTLY. PROSTITUTE That's not true. When you're full, you put a sign outside. I know the hotel. I'm sick of arguing out on the street. Call the owner. What are you waiting for? The owner has never made a fuss. Rosa and I are old friends. Open up. Paul opens up. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Don't make any trouble or I'll tell your boss. (TO JOHN) Come in, it's all sorted... But the man has LEFT. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) You've won. He's taken off. PAUL I'm very sorry. PROSTITUTE Hurry up! He can't be far away. 81. She PUSHES him out to the street. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Make him come back. Tell him he can't just walk off. She SHOVES HIM out the door and DOWN THE STREET. Paul CHASES the man on foot for BLOCKS and BLOCKS. He finally CATCHES UP to him in a --- CUT TO: EXT. PARIS STREET - ALLEY - MORNING The JOHN figures he has gotten away. He reverses his TRENCH COAT to the appropriate side. Paul comes around the corner. The John doesn't see any HOSTILITY coming. But it DOES. JOHN Oh,... please don't tell her you found me. I don't fancy it any more. Did you see her face? Once, my wife satisfied me. But now she's got a skin disease. It's like snakeskin. Put yourself in my place. Paul grabs him by the tie and drags him. PAUL Come. Come with me. The man FIGHTS BACK. JOHN But... Let go of me! Paul doesn't like that. He ROUGHS HIM UP, throwing him from WALL TO WALL. JOHN (CONT'D) You're crazy! Let go of me! Let go! He ends up on the ground MINUS HIS COAT. Paul KICKS HIM IN THE ASS like a dog. PAUL Get the fuck out of here! 82. The man RUNS OFF. PAUL (CONT'D) Faggot! Paul heads back up the ALLEY as the man CONTINUES OFF in the f.g. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - PAUL AND ROSA'S ROOM - DAY Paul lays down on his TWIN BED with his ROBE on over his clothes. We see that his BAGS ARE PACKED. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - BEDROOM - DAY We see that the mattress is gone. Only a pile of sheets and pillows remain in the room. Jeanne is on the floor, on her knees, doubled over in SICK GRIEF. PAUL HAS MOVED OUT. JEANNE No! She WANDERS through the apt., GRIEF STRICKEN, from room to room. We see only a FEW BELONGINGS left around. Shoes, the CAT (where was it for the "rat problem"?) and phone. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne RIPS THE SHEET OFF the piece of furniture that has been COVERED UP all along. We all wondered what was underneath that was so precious. It's nothing special. She COLLAPSES in grief again, the furniture falling on her, she KICKS IT OFF. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - FRONT DESK - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne talks to the CRAZY Concierge from BEFORE. Her head STUCK through the LITTLE WINDOW while the crazy woman PUFFS a cig. 83. JEANNE Try and remember! The man from the fourth floor. He moved in a few days ago. CONCIERGE I told you, I don't know anyone. They come and go. The man on the fourth, the woman on the first. What do I know? She gives a CRAZY CACKLE. JEANNE Where did they take the furniture too? It's empty. Where do you send his mail? Give me his address. CONCIERGE I don't have it. I don't know these people. JEANNE Not even his name? CONCIERGE Nothing! Jeanne STORMS OUT. CONCIERGE (CONT'D) Ma'zelle! CUT TO: INT. PAYPHONE BOOTH - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne is on the payphone in the bar from before. She speaks to Tom. Still DESPONDENT, tears stream down her face. JEANNE I've found a flat for us. 1 rue Jules Verne. Yes. In Passy. Come quickly! You'll come now? Do you know where it is? I'll wait for you. Come over. She struggles to HANG UP THE PHONE through her grief. She BREAKS DOWN, closing the door for privacy. 84. We can SEE HER through the door as she leans on it. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - DAY The front DOORBELL RINGS. JEANNE Come in, it's open. Tom comes in. Jeanne stares out the window. She is BATHED in sunlight. Tom LOOKS AROUND in b.g. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you like our flat? It's very light. There's a tiny room, too. It's too small for a double bed. It would be fine for a child. Fidel. That's a nice name for a boy. Fidel, as in Castro. TOM But I'd like a girl, too. Rosa. As in Rosa Luxemburg. Less famous, but I like it. You know, I wanted to film you every day. In the morning, when you wake up, in the evening, when you sleep. When you first smile, and I didn't film any of that. Here. He hands her FLOWERS. She REGARDS them. He circles to her front. TOM (CONT'D) Today is the last day of shooting. The film is finished. I don't like things that finish, things that end. You have to start something else right away. They EMBRACE and KISS. THAT ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Tom looks around the place. 85. TOM (CONT'D) This flat is huge! Jeanne has made her way to the DINING ROOM. TOM (CONT'D) Where are you? JEANNE I'm here! They continue shouting across the apt. TOM It's too big! We'll get lost! JEANNE Stop it! Don't start! TOM How did you find this flat? JEANNE By chance. TOM We'll change everything! Jeanne holds her ARMS OUT like a bird. JEANNE Everything! We'll change chance to destiny. TOM Go on, Jeanne. Take off! MUSIC RISES as Jeanne pretends to FLY AROUND the apt. from ROOM TO ROOM making AIRPLANE NOISES as Tom DIRECTS HER. TOM (CONT'D) Fly away, you're in heaven! You're soaring, you're in heaven! Come down, take a nose dive, come down! Make three turns, come down. Jeanne, what's happening? There's an air pocket. Tom gets SUDDENLY SERIOUS. JEANNE What's happening? 86. TOM The patches of turbulence are over. We can't play like children any more, Jeanne. This stops Jeanne in her TRACKS. They face each other. TOM (CONT'D) We're adults. JEANNE Adults? That's awful! TOM Yes. It's awful. JEANNE What do adults do? TOM I don't know. We'll have to invent the gestures and the words. For example, adults... He walks slowly toward her. They EMBRACE PASSIONATELY. They kiss. He breaks away again, SERIOUS. TOM (CONT'D) But there's one thing I do know. Adults are calm... He walks backward as Jeanne STALKS HIM. TOM (CONT'D) ...serious, logical, measured, level-headed... JEANNE Yes... TOM And... they face up to problems... JEANNE ...Yes, yes. Yes, yes. He STOPS ABRUPTLY. 87. TOM You see, Jeanne, this flat won't work for us. This flat, it won't work for us, Jeanne. JEANNE Where are you going? TOM To look for a flat. He walks out to a SHOCKED Jeanne. JEANNE What kind of flat? But he COMES BACK. TOM A flat we can live in. JEANNE We can live here. TOM It's squalid. It smells. It makes me sick.

happy

How many times the word 'happy' appears in the text?

COMES... PAUL You... You... You... You f... You... fucking... fucking... family. You fucking... family! Oh, God... Jesus. Oh, you... Oh... 58. He COLLAPSES on her, SPENT as she continues to WEEP. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - THAT MOMENT A TRAIN ROARS by on the TRAIN BRIDGE. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM Paul is SLEEPING on the floor amidst the BREAD AND BUTTER. CUT TO: EXT. PONT DE BIR-HAKEIM - MOMENTS LATER Another couple of TRAINS go by. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - LATER Paul SLEEPS more. On his STOMACH now, with his foot on a piece of FURNITURE. Jeanne puts a record on the RECORD PLAYER she brought with her. She goes to plug it into the FLOOR PLUG but gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. JEANNE Shit! She looks at him sleeping. JEANNE (CONT'D) Hey, you! He looks at her UPSIDE DOWN. JEANNE (CONT'D) Yes, you! PAUL Huh? JEANNE I've got a surprise for you. 59. PAUL What? He looks at himself in a SMALL MIRROR. JEANNE I've got a surprise for you! PAUL That's good. I like surprises. He FLIPS HIMSELF over backwards onto his feet. He walks over to her and the RECORD PLAYER. He stares down at her. PAUL (CONT'D) What is it? JEANNE Music. But I don't know how to work it. He sits on the FLOOR next to her. He plugs in the RECORD PLAYER. He JUMPS as he gets an ELECTRICAL SHOCK. Jeanne is secretly amused. PAUL Do you enjoy that? He gets the RECORD PLAYING. It's some 70's HIPPY MUSIC. Jeanne sways to it while Paul reads the JACKET COVER. CUT TO: EXT. PASSY VIADUCT PARK - DAY HIPPIE MUSIC CONTINUES Tom and Jeanne sit, ROMANTICALLY ENTWINED on a SEA WALL while his FILM CREW films in the b.g. They sit FACE TO FACE, he holds her shoulders and stares into her eyes. TOM Do you know why I sent the others away? JEANNE Because you're angry, or you want to be alone with me? 60. TOM And why do I want to be alone with you? JEANNE You have something really serious to tell me. He plays with her hair. TOM I have something really very serious to tell you. JEANNE Is it happy or sad? TOM It's a secret. JEANNE So it's happy. What sort of secret? TOM A secret... As his FILM CREW dolly around them in the b.g., his SOUND PERSON yells at them. SOUND PERSON Speak up! I can't hear anything. TOM ...between a man and a woman. JEANNE Is it dirty or is it about love? TOM About love. But that's not all. JEANNE A secret about love, but which isn't love. What is it?! He puts a LIFE PRESERVER over her. TOM Voila. That in a week I'm marrying you. JEANNE What? 61. TOM I'm marrying you. JEANNE What?! TOM I'm marrying you! JEANNE You're marrying me? TOM Yes! JEANNE We're getting married? TOM Yes we're getting married. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE No! TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes. JEANNE Yes? TOM No. Are we getting married or not? JEANNE I don't know. 62. TOM So, yes, then? JEANNE Yes! TOM No! JEANNE Yes! TOM Yes. JEANNE No. TOM Yes or no? She take the life preserver off and THROWS IT IN THE WATER. Together, they WATCH IT SINK. CUT TO: EXT. JEANNE'S MOTHERS APT. - PORCH - DAY JEANNE'S MOTHER beats the dirt off her LATE HUSBANDS MILITARY JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'll send everything to the country. What do you think, Jeanne? INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne tries on another of her FATHERS MILITARY UNIFORMS complete with HAT. JEANNE Olympia will be happy. I went there yesterday with Tom. Her mother joins her inside. She carries the FATHERS BOOTS. JEANNE (CONT'D) She's preparing a family museum. 63. JEANNE'S MOTHER Of course, I'm not sending the boots. I'm keeping them with me. I get strange shivers when I touch them. Jeanne goes into an ADJOINING ROOM while her mom continues reflecting, IRONING the JACKET. JEANNE'S MOTHER (CONT'D) All these military things never age. She looks up just in time to see that Jeanne has found her fathers gun and is pointing it in her direction. JEANNE When I was little, it seemed really heavy when Papa taught me how to shoot. JEANNE'S MOTHER I'm keeping that here. In a respectable household, it's useful to have a weapon. JEANNE You don't even know how to use it. JEANNE'S MOTHER The important thing is to have one. It makes an impression. JEANNE You really kept everything of Papa's. She shows her mom a picture she has scrounged up from her FATHERS WALLET of a TOPLESS NEGRO FEMALE. JEANNE (CONT'D) Who's that? His orderly? JEANNE'S MOTHER A fine example of a Berber. JEANNE Oh. 64. JEANNE'S MOTHER A strong race. I tried to employ them as servants, but it was disastrous. 'm glad I decided to send everything to the country. All his things were piling up and piling up. JEANNE Don't worry. You'll soon have all the space you want. JEANNE'S MOTHER What does that mean? JEANNE Nothing. She takes off the HAT and JACKET and throws them on the sofa. She heads to the FRONT DOOR with MOM FOLLOWING, on pins and needles. JEANNE (CONT'D) Madame, the colonel's lady, I announce... Mom RUNS IN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What? JEANNE On this solemn day... She goes out the door... JEANNE'S MOTHER What? What solemn day? She RUNS AFTER her daughter. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Jeanne is on the ELEVATOR. She sticks her head out. JEANNE I'm getting married in a week! She shuts the door and HEADS DOWN. JEANNE'S MOTHER What did you say? 65. Mom follows her down STEP FOR STEP. JEANNE To Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER Pardon? JEANNE Tom! In a week! JEANNE'S MOTHER What are you doing in a week? CUT TO: EXT. OUTDOOR SHOP BAZAAR - DAY Tom and his FILM CREW film Jeanne trying on wedding dresses. He COUNTS DOWN to the shot. TOM Five... two! He does the CLAPPER with his hands. Jeanne and her HOST OF DRESSERS is lost in her fittings. TOM (CONT'D) Move into shot! We're shooting! They move into the center of the shop. We get another look at Jeanne's LEFT BREAST as it slips out of the dress being fitted. Tom fires off QUESTIONS for film purposes. TOM (CONT'D) So,... how do you see marriage? JEANNE Marriage? TOM Yes. Jeanne gives her upbeat EXTISTENTIAL RESPONSES as her fitting continues. JEANNE I see it everywhere. All the time. 66. TOM What do you mean, everywhere? JEANNE On walls. On buildings. TOM Walls and buildings? JEANNE Yes, on advertising hoardings. TOM What are they selling? Cars. Tinned meat. Cigarettes. JEANNE No. They're all about young couples. Before marriage, no children. Then the same couple, married with children. In short, marriage. The perfect, ideal, successful marriage. It's no longer the preserve of the Church. The husband was burdened with responsibilities and the wife nagged. Now, weddings in advertising smile! TOM They smile. On posters. JEANNE On posters, of course. But why t take poster marriage seriously? Marriage... Pop marriage! Tom comes out from under a DRESS. TOM Pop? That's the formula. For pop youth, pop marriage! But... what if the pop marriage doesn't work? JEANNE Then you have to fix it like you would a car. The spouses are two workers in overalls bending over an engine to fix it. TOM And in case of adultery what happens to the pop marriage? 67. JEANNE In that case, there are three or four workers. TOM What about love? Is love pop? JEANNE No. That's not. Love isn't pop. TOM Love isn't pop. So what is it? JEANNE The workers retire to a secret flat, take off their overalls and become men and women again and make love. The fussing on the dress is finished. Jeanne slowly, PUTS ON HER GLOVES, relishing them. She STRUTS slowly for all to stare and LAVISH her in her dress. Tom is CAPTIVATED. TOM You're wonderful. JEANNE It's the dress that makes the bride. TOM You're better than Rita Hayworth. He wanders out into the street. It is RAINING HEAVILY. Better than Joan Crawford! Better than Kim Novak! Better than Lauren Bacall! Better than Ava Gardner when she was Mickey Rooney's lover! Hes FILM CREW scatters for cover. TOM (CONT'D) What are you doing? Stop! Stop, but keep filming! Why aren't you filming in the rain? CREW 1 You're crazy! 68. They huddle underneath the DOOR of the FILM TRUCK. Tom has lost Jeanne in all the HUBUB. He is disgusted with his CREW. TOM You're all fired! He goes back to the SHOP. TOM (CONT'D) Where's Jeanne? DRESSER 1 She must have run off. TOM When? ln the rain? He runs down the street in the rain looking for her. JEANNE Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! Jeanne! CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LOBBY - DAY Paul comes POINDING in from the rain. He STOMPS the water off his shoes. He breaks into an IMPROMPTU SOFT SHOE. He opens the gate to the ELEVATOR and gets on. He pushes the button. The elevator STARTS UP. JEANNE'S VOICE Please forgive me! Paul stops the elevator. He SENDS IT BACK DOWN. We see Jeanne has been waiting on the ADJACENT STAIRS for Paul. She is still in her WEDDING DRESS. She implores Paul from outside the elevator. JEANNE (FRENCH) Forgive me! I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. (ENGLISH) I wanted to leave you and I couldn't. I can't. I can't leave you, do you understand? 69. She stands, PLEADING at the ELEVATOR. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you still want me? Paul does the EYEBROW TRILL. He opens the elevator so she can get on. ELEVATOR As it ascends, Jeanne slowly RAISES HER DRESS, revealing NO UNDERWEAR and her AMPLE BUSH to Paul. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - ENTRANCE - MOMENTS LATER The door flies open. Paul comes in CARRYING Jeanne in his arms. PAUL Voil ! He starts doing a JIG AND SONG... all the way to the MATTRESSES. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh, there once was a man And he had an old sow ow! Hi-diddle- dow... He puts her on the bed. She is GIGGLING. PAUL (CONT'D) You're wet. Paul pats her stomach and leaves the room. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Paul opens the curtains. Jeanne's SCREAMS come from the other room. He goes to investigate. PAUL (CONT'D) What the hell? BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne screams BLOODY MURDER and points to a DEAD RAT on the STILL UNMADE MATTRESS. 70. PAUL (CONT'D) A rat. Only a rat. He PICKS IT UP by the tail. She stumbles over herself to get away. PAUL (CONT'D) There are more rats in Paris than people. Yum, yum, yum. He holds it out, OFFERING IT to her. She freaks. She runs to the other side of the room. JEANNE I want to go! He brings it to her... she continues to BACK PEDDLE. PAUL Wait, wait! Don't you want a bite first? You don't want to run and eat. JEANNE This is the end! He points to the ASS of the RAT. PAUL No, this is the end... Then points to the HEAD. PAUL (CONT'D) ...but I like to start with the head. That's the best part. Are you sure you won't have any? OK. He DANGLES IT over his mouth, flitting his tounge, pretending to eat it. She is gonna HURL. PAUL (CONT'D) What's the matter? You don't dig rat? JEANNE I wanna go! I can't make love in this bed any more. I can't. It's disgusting! Nauseating! PAUL Well, we'll fuck on the radiator or standing on the mantel. 71. He holds up the RAT again. PAUL (CONT'D) Listen, I gotta get some mayonnaise for this. Because, it really is good with mayonnaise. He heads out, then stops and LOOKS BACK AT HER. PAUL (CONT'D) I'll save the asshole for you. He really leaves this time. PAUL'S VOICE Rat's asshole with mayonnaise! He LAUGHS at himself. Jeanne is a BASKET CASE. She sits on her HAUNCHES, muttering. JEANNE I want to get out of here. I want to go. I can't stand it here any more. Yes. I'm going. She gets up, gets her purse and goes to the door. We see her ASS through the SHEER FABRIC of her wedding dress. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm not coming back... ever. She gets to the... FRONT DOOR Paul is there, WAITING, NONCHALANT. PAUL Quo vadis, baby? JEANNE I forgot to tell you something. I fell in love with somebody. PAUL Oh, isn't that wonderful? You know, you're going to have to get out of these wet duds. He PATS HER ASS. JEANNE I'm going to make love with him! 72. She opens the door but he closes it. She STOMPS into the HALL. PAUL Well, first you have to take a hot bath. Cos if you don't... He walks toward her. PAUL (CONT'D) ...you're gonna get pneumonia, right? Huh? She STOMPS a few more steps toward the BATHROOM. PAUL (CONT'D) And then you know what happens? You get pneumonia, then you know what happens? You die. And then, you know what happens when you die? I get to fuck the dead rat! He THROWS HER OVER his shoulder and carries her KICKING AND SCREAMING into the... CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM Jeanne is in the BATHTUB. Paul sits on the BIDET behind her with a WASHCLOTH. PAUL Give me the soap. She does. JEANNE I'm in love. PAUL You're in love? He shoves her head UNDER THE WATER. PAUL (CONT'D) How delightful. She comes up ANGRY. JEANNE I'm in love! I'm in love, you understand? 73. He SMACKS her with the washcloth on the head. JEANNE (CONT'D) I'm in love, I'm in love! He SHOVES HER under again. JEANNE (CONT'D) Oh! I'm in love! He HITS HER on the head with her own shoe. She just gets more ANGRY. JEANNE (CONT'D) You know, you're old! You're getting fat. PAUL Fat, is it? How unkind. JEANNE Half of your hair is out and the other half is almost white. He smacks her in the mouth with the wash cloth, she smiles. PAUL In ten years, you'll be playing soccer with your tits. He starts WASHING HER back. PAUL (CONT'D) What do you think of that? You know what I'm gonna be doing? JEANNE You will be on a... wheelchair! PAUL Well, maybe. But, you know... I'll be smirking and giggling all the way to eternity. JEANNE How poetic. But please, before you go, wash my feet. She holds up A FOOT. PAUL OK. oblesse oblige. 74. He sits on the edge of the TUB and grabs her foot. He takes a sniff... She pulls it away. JEANNE You know, he and I, we make love. He WASHES her foot. PAUL Oh, really? That's wonderful. Is he a good fucker? JEANNE Magnificent. He puts up the OTHER FOOT to was, he obliges again. PAUL You know, you're a jerk. Cos the best fucking you're gonna get is right here in this apartment. Stand up. She does. He washes her ASS. JEANNE He is full of mysteries. PAUL Give me the soap. Listen, you dumb dodo. All the mysteries that you're ever gonna know in life are right here. He washes her STOMACH. JEANNE He is like everybody but... at the same time he's different. PAUL You mean, like everybody. JEANNE Yeah, but... even he fright me. Even he frightens me. PAUL What is he, your local pimp? JEANNE He could be. He looks it. You know why I'm in love with him? 75. PAUL I can't wait. JEANNE Because he know. He know how to make me fall in love with him. She gets out. He COVERS her with a BIG RED TOWEL. PAUL You want this man you love to protect and take care of you. JEANNE Yeah. PAUL You want this golden, shining, powerful warrior to build a fortress where you can hide in. So you don't have to ever... have... You don't ever have to be afraid. You don't have to feel lonely or empty. That's what you want, isn't it? JEANNE Yes. PAUL Well, you'll never find it. JEANNE But I find this man. PAUL Then it won't be long until he'll want you to build a fortress for him out of your tits and out of your cunt and your hair and your smile and the way you smell. And... and some place where he can feel comfortable and secure enough so that he can worship in front of the altar of his own prick. JEANNE But I find this man! They lean against SEPERATE WALLS. 76. PAUL No, you're alone. You're all alone. You won't be free of that feeling of being alone until you look death right in the face. I mean, that sounds like bullshit, some romantic crap, until you go right up into the ass of death. Right up in his ass... till you find the womb of fear. And then,... maybe... Maybe then, you'll be able to find him. JEANNE But I find this man. He's you! You are that man! Paul doesn't like that comment. He needs to TEACH HER another LESSON. He bites a HANGNAIL. PAUL Get me the scissors. JEANNE What? PAUL Get me the fingernail scissors. She STOMPS past him to get them, hands them to him. PAUL (CONT'D) No. I want you to cut the fingernails on your right hand, these two. She DOES. JEANNE That's it. He stands FACING the wall and PULLS HIS pants down. PAUL I want you to put your fingers up my ass. JEANNE What? PAUL Put your fingers up my ass, are you deaf? Go on. I'm gonna get a pig... and I'm... I'm gonna have the pig fuck you. (MORE) 77. PAUL (CONT'D) I want the pig to vomit in your face and I want you to swallow the vomit. Are you gonna do that for me? JEANNE Yeah. PAUL Huh? JEANNE Yeah! PAUL I want the pig to die while... while you're fucking him. Then you'll have to go behind him. I want you to smell the dying farts of the pig. Are you gonna do all of that for me? JEANNE Yes, and more than that! And worse! And worse than before. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - TEMPORARY VIEWING ROOM - DAY ROSA'S WAKE. Rosa's mother has set up a room in the Hotel as a VIEWING ROOM for her daughter. She is, as promised, surrounded by TONS OF FLOWERS. Paul comes in and pulls up a chair next to ROSA. He turns on the LIGHT. PAUL You look ridiculous in that make- up. Like the caricature of a whore. A little touch of Mommy in the night. Fake Ophelia drowned in the bathtub. I wish you could see yourself. You'd really laugh. You're your mother's masterpiece. He pulls the chair closer to her. PAUL (CONT'D) Oh Christ! There are too many fucking flowers in this place. I can't breathe. You know on the top of the closet? (MORE) 78. PAUL (CONT'D) The cardboard box, I found all your... I found all your little goodies. Pens, keychains, foreign money, French ticklers, the whole shot. Even a clergyman's collar. I didn't know you collected all those little knick-knacks left behind. Even if the husband lives fucking years, he's never going to be able to discover his wife's real nature. I mean, I... I might be able to comprehend the universe, but... 'll never discover the truth bout you. Never. I mean, who the hell were you? Remember that day, the first day I was there? I knew that I couldn't get into your pants unless I said... What did I say? Oh, yeah. "May I have my bill, please? I have to leave." Remember? Last night... I ripped off the lights on your mother. And the whole joint went bananas. All your... guests... as you used to call them... Well, I guess that includes me, doesn't it? It does include me, doesn't it? For five years, I was more a guest in this fucking flophouse than a husband. With privileges, of course. And then, to help me understand you, you let me inherit Marcel. The husband's double, whose room was the double of ours. And you know what? I didn't even have the guts to ask him. Didn't have the guts to ask him if the same numbers you and I did were the same numbers you did with him. Our marriage was nothing more than a foxhole for you. And all it took for you to get out was a -cent razor and a tub full of water. You cheap, goddamn, fucking, godforsaken whore. I hope you rot in hell. You're worse than the dirtiest street pig anybody could find, and you know why? You know why? Because you lied. You lied to me and I trusted you. You lied. You knew you were lying! Go on, tell me you didn't lie. Haven't you got anything to say about that? You can think up something, can't you? (MORE) 79. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me something! Smile, you cunt! He STARTS to WEEP. PAUL (CONT'D) Go on, tell me... Tell me something sweet. Smile at me and say I just misunderstood. Go on, tell me. You pig-fucker! You goddamn, fucking, pig-fucking liar. Rosa, I'm sorry... I just can't... I can't stand it... to see these goddamn things on your face. You never wore make-up. This fucking shit. I'm gonna take this off your mouth. This lipstick... Rosa... Oh, God! He COLLAPSES on her, SOBBING. PAUL (CONT'D) I'm sorry. I don't know why you did it. I'd do it too, if I knew how. I just don't know how. I have to... I have to find a way. [OC] We hear a voice. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Is anyone there? PAUL What? PROSTITUTE'S VOICE There was a noise in there! PAUL All right, I'm... I'm coming. (back to ROSA) I have to go. I have to go, sweetheart, baby. Somebody's calling me. He starts to the door. PROSTITUTE'S VOICE Well? Is anyone there? PAUL Yeah. I'm coming. CUT TO: 80. INT. HOTEL - ENTRANCE - DAY Outside the FRONT DOOR, the source of the voice, a WORN OUT and OLD PROSTITUTE. She is with her JOHN. PROSTITUTE (TO JOHN) Here he is. (TO PAUL) Hurry up! Wake up! Open up! Open up! PAUL It's four in the morning. PROSTITUTE I need room four for a while. (TO JOHN) Half an hour? (TO PAUL) Yes, that'll do. Yes, half an hour. PAUL We're full. She knocks on the door, INCESANTLY. PROSTITUTE That's not true. When you're full, you put a sign outside. I know the hotel. I'm sick of arguing out on the street. Call the owner. What are you waiting for? The owner has never made a fuss. Rosa and I are old friends. Open up. Paul opens up. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Don't make any trouble or I'll tell your boss. (TO JOHN) Come in, it's all sorted... But the man has LEFT. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) You've won. He's taken off. PAUL I'm very sorry. PROSTITUTE Hurry up! He can't be far away. 81. She PUSHES him out to the street. PROSTITUTE (CONT'D) Make him come back. Tell him he can't just walk off. She SHOVES HIM out the door and DOWN THE STREET. Paul CHASES the man on foot for BLOCKS and BLOCKS. He finally CATCHES UP to him in a --- CUT TO: EXT. PARIS STREET - ALLEY - MORNING The JOHN figures he has gotten away. He reverses his TRENCH COAT to the appropriate side. Paul comes around the corner. The John doesn't see any HOSTILITY coming. But it DOES. JOHN Oh,... please don't tell her you found me. I don't fancy it any more. Did you see her face? Once, my wife satisfied me. But now she's got a skin disease. It's like snakeskin. Put yourself in my place. Paul grabs him by the tie and drags him. PAUL Come. Come with me. The man FIGHTS BACK. JOHN But... Let go of me! Paul doesn't like that. He ROUGHS HIM UP, throwing him from WALL TO WALL. JOHN (CONT'D) You're crazy! Let go of me! Let go! He ends up on the ground MINUS HIS COAT. Paul KICKS HIM IN THE ASS like a dog. PAUL Get the fuck out of here! 82. The man RUNS OFF. PAUL (CONT'D) Faggot! Paul heads back up the ALLEY as the man CONTINUES OFF in the f.g. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL - PAUL AND ROSA'S ROOM - DAY Paul lays down on his TWIN BED with his ROBE on over his clothes. We see that his BAGS ARE PACKED. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - BEDROOM - DAY We see that the mattress is gone. Only a pile of sheets and pillows remain in the room. Jeanne is on the floor, on her knees, doubled over in SICK GRIEF. PAUL HAS MOVED OUT. JEANNE No! She WANDERS through the apt., GRIEF STRICKEN, from room to room. We see only a FEW BELONGINGS left around. Shoes, the CAT (where was it for the "rat problem"?) and phone. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeanne RIPS THE SHEET OFF the piece of furniture that has been COVERED UP all along. We all wondered what was underneath that was so precious. It's nothing special. She COLLAPSES in grief again, the furniture falling on her, she KICKS IT OFF. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - FRONT DESK - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne talks to the CRAZY Concierge from BEFORE. Her head STUCK through the LITTLE WINDOW while the crazy woman PUFFS a cig. 83. JEANNE Try and remember! The man from the fourth floor. He moved in a few days ago. CONCIERGE I told you, I don't know anyone. They come and go. The man on the fourth, the woman on the first. What do I know? She gives a CRAZY CACKLE. JEANNE Where did they take the furniture too? It's empty. Where do you send his mail? Give me his address. CONCIERGE I don't have it. I don't know these people. JEANNE Not even his name? CONCIERGE Nothing! Jeanne STORMS OUT. CONCIERGE (CONT'D) Ma'zelle! CUT TO: INT. PAYPHONE BOOTH - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Jeanne is on the payphone in the bar from before. She speaks to Tom. Still DESPONDENT, tears stream down her face. JEANNE I've found a flat for us. 1 rue Jules Verne. Yes. In Passy. Come quickly! You'll come now? Do you know where it is? I'll wait for you. Come over. She struggles to HANG UP THE PHONE through her grief. She BREAKS DOWN, closing the door for privacy. 84. We can SEE HER through the door as she leans on it. CUT TO: INT. APT. BUILDING - LIVING ROOM - DAY The front DOORBELL RINGS. JEANNE Come in, it's open. Tom comes in. Jeanne stares out the window. She is BATHED in sunlight. Tom LOOKS AROUND in b.g. JEANNE (CONT'D) Do you like our flat? It's very light. There's a tiny room, too. It's too small for a double bed. It would be fine for a child. Fidel. That's a nice name for a boy. Fidel, as in Castro. TOM But I'd like a girl, too. Rosa. As in Rosa Luxemburg. Less famous, but I like it. You know, I wanted to film you every day. In the morning, when you wake up, in the evening, when you sleep. When you first smile, and I didn't film any of that. Here. He hands her FLOWERS. She REGARDS them. He circles to her front. TOM (CONT'D) Today is the last day of shooting. The film is finished. I don't like things that finish, things that end. You have to start something else right away. They EMBRACE and KISS. THAT ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Tom looks around the place. 85. TOM (CONT'D) This flat is huge! Jeanne has made her way to the DINING ROOM. TOM (CONT'D) Where are you? JEANNE I'm here! They continue shouting across the apt. TOM It's too big! We'll get lost! JEANNE Stop it! Don't start! TOM How did you find this flat? JEANNE By chance. TOM We'll change everything! Jeanne holds her ARMS OUT like a bird. JEANNE Everything! We'll change chance to destiny. TOM Go on, Jeanne. Take off! MUSIC RISES as Jeanne pretends to FLY AROUND the apt. from ROOM TO ROOM making AIRPLANE NOISES as Tom DIRECTS HER. TOM (CONT'D) Fly away, you're in heaven! You're soaring, you're in heaven! Come down, take a nose dive, come down! Make three turns, come down. Jeanne, what's happening? There's an air pocket. Tom gets SUDDENLY SERIOUS. JEANNE What's happening? 86. TOM The patches of turbulence are over. We can't play like children any more, Jeanne. This stops Jeanne in her TRACKS. They face each other. TOM (CONT'D) We're adults. JEANNE Adults? That's awful! TOM Yes. It's awful. JEANNE What do adults do? TOM I don't know. We'll have to invent the gestures and the words. For example, adults... He walks slowly toward her. They EMBRACE PASSIONATELY. They kiss. He breaks away again, SERIOUS. TOM (CONT'D) But there's one thing I do know. Adults are calm... He walks backward as Jeanne STALKS HIM. TOM (CONT'D) ...serious, logical, measured, level-headed... JEANNE Yes... TOM And... they face up to problems... JEANNE ...Yes, yes. Yes, yes. He STOPS ABRUPTLY. 87. TOM You see, Jeanne, this flat won't work for us. This flat, it won't work for us, Jeanne. JEANNE Where are you going? TOM To look for a flat. He walks out to a SHOCKED Jeanne. JEANNE What kind of flat? But he COMES BACK. TOM A flat we can live in. JEANNE We can live here. TOM It's squalid. It smells. It makes me sick.

crawford

How many times the word 'crawford' appears in the text?

CRAIG What's that? LOTTE (beat) Us, of course. Craig looks up from his packing. He and Lotte stare at each other for a long while. CRAIG (tenderly) Oh, Lot... They hug. CRAIG (CONT'D) What about Maxine? LOTTE Fuck Maxine. CRAIG We wish. They look at each other and laugh, them fall back into the embrace. They both get faraway looks in their eyes. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S GARAGE - NIGHT The clock reads 3:00 AM. Craig, in his pajamas, is working the Craig and Maxine puppets. They make love on the bare puppet stage. Craig seems possessed. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS The phone rings. Maxine sleepily picks it up. MAXINE Yes? LOTTE (O.S.) I have to see you. Can you call him and invite us over? MAXINE When? LOTTE (O.S.) Give me one hour to get inside him Exactly. Maxine checks her alarm clock. The time is 3:11 AM. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S CAR - NIGHT Lotte drives. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - A BIT LATER The doorbell rings. Maxine, in a sheer black nightgown, answers it. John Malkovich stands there. MAXINE Thanks so much for coming over. MALKOVICH Oh, I'm really glad you called. Maxine gestures for him to enter. As Malkovich passes by her, she checks the wall clock. The time is 3:50. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lotte sits on the floor in the dark. She leans, out of breath, against the wall next to the portal and checks her watch. The time is 4:10. She pulls open the door. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich sit a bit awkwardly next to each other on the couch. MAXINE So, do you enjoy being an actor? MALKOVICH Oh sure. It's very rewarding... The digital clock on the VCR clicks over to 4:11 AM. Maxine's look softens, and she kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. He seems surprised, but quickly warms to it. We shift top Malkovich's POV as Maxine begins to unbutton Malkovich's shirt. LOTTE (V.O.) Oh my darling. Oh my sweetheart. MAXINE I love you, Lotte. LOTTE (V.O.) Maxine... MALKOVICH (stopping) I'm sorry, did you just call me "Lotte"? MAXINE Do you mind? MALKOVICH (thinking) No, I guess not. I'm an actor. They get back to it. MAXINE Oh, my sweet, beautiful Lotte. MALKOVICH (thinks he's playing along) Yes, Maxine, yes. LOTTE (V.O.) This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT A sweaty and spent Craig sneaks back into the bedroom. He sees that the bed is empty. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT With a gasp and a wail of release, Lotte pops into the ditch. She is soaking wet and breathes heavily. She just lies there. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S KITCHEN - MORNING Craig is hunched over a cup of coffee. The front door can be heard to open. After a moment Lotte appears in the kitchen doorway. She is caked with dirt. Craig looks up at her. CRAIG You were him last night, weren't you? LOTTE (quietly) Yes. CRAIG And he was with her. LOTTE We love her, Craig. I'm sorry. CRAIG We? LOTTE Me and John. CRAIG Don't forget me. LOTTE Well, you have the Maxine action figure to play with. Craig looks down at his coffee. LOTTE (CONT'D) I'm sorry. That was nasty. CRAIG Life is confusing, isn't it? LOTTE Sometimes we're forced to make hard decisions. (beat) I'd like for us to stay together, Craig. You know, platonically, if that's possible. I truly value our friendship. CRAIG I feel that somehow my parents never prepared me to make this particular decision. Not that I blame them. How could they know? Today's world is so complicated. (beat) No. I have to go away now. I'm sorry, Lotte. I'm so sorry. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - MORNING Craig enters with red-rimmed eyes. Maxine sits at her desk, actually looking kind of radiant. MAXINE You're late. CRAIG Are you torturing me on purpose? MAXINE (matter of fact) I've fallen in love. CRAIG I don't think so. I've fallen in love. This is what people who've fallen in love look like. MAXINE You picked the unrequited variety. Very bad for the skin. CRAIG You're evil, Maxine. MAXINE Do you have any idea what its like to have two people look at you with total lust and devotion through the same pair of eyes? No I don't suppose you would. It's quite a thrill, Craig. Craig turns and walks out the door. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY 7 1/2 FLOOR - CONTINUOUS Craig hurries past a long line of fat people, all looking eager, all clutching cash. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - MORNING Lester sits at his desk. The intercom buzzes. LESTER (depressing switch) Yes, my dear? FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Someone names A Lot of Warts on line two. LESTER Thank you, Floris. FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Think, Jew florist? LESTER (pressing line 2) Good morning, Lotte! LOTTE (O.S.) Dr. Lester, everything's falling apart. CUT TO: INT. GUN SHOP - MORNING Craig is at the counter buying a pistol. CUT TO: INT. JUICY-JUICE JUICE BAR - MORNING Lester and Lotte sit at a table. They both have really large glasses of carrot juice in front of them. LOTTE I blew it, Dr. Lester. LESTER You followed your heart, my child, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. LOTTE But now we've lost access to Craig. LESTER (laughs) My child, I don't think its a great mystery what Craig's up to. CUT TO: CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY Craig stands still and tense, with gun in hand. We hear the front door unlock. Lotte enters. She does not see Craig. He grabs her from behind as she passes. Lotte screams. Craig holds the gun to her head. LOTTE I'm your Goddamn wife. Once you vowed to cherish me forever. Now you hold a gun to my head? CRAIG Yeah, well welcome to the nineties. LOTTE Suck my dick! CRAIG (slapping her) Shut up! Lotte is stunned. She feels the muzzle against her forehead. She shuts up. Keeping the gun trained on Lotte, Craig dials the phone. He hands the receiver to her. He holds his ear to the receiver also. CRAIG (CONT'D) Tell her you need to see her. LOTTE (to Craig) You bastard. Craig cocks the pistol. MAXINE (V.O.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone else can be. LOTTE (looking at Craig) I have to see you. MAXINE (V.O.) Sweetie! Oh, but we can't. It's business hours. I need to keep the membranous tunnel open for paying customers. CRAIG (sotto) Tell her, what the hell, close early today, live dangerously. LOTTE What the hell, darling. Close early today, live dangerously. MAXINE (V.O.) Oooh, doll. I love this new devil-may-care side of you. Alrighty, I'll track down Lover-boy, and I'll see both of you in one hour. Exactamundo. Maxine hangs up. Lotte hands the phone to Craig, who hangs it up. Craig opens up the big cage where Elijah is housed, and motions with the gun for Lotte to enter. LOTTE (screaming) Help! He's locking me in a cage! Craig slaps Lotte hard. She looks at him, almost sadly. NEIGHBOR Shut up! PARROT Shut up! CRAIG Lesson number one: Be careful what you teach your parrot. Craig tapes Lotte's mouth, ties her hands and feet. Elijah watches him tie her. He becomes somewhat agitated, and holds his stomach. CUT TO: INT. BROADHURST THEATER - DAY Malkovich is rehearsing some business on stage. Maxine watches from the house. She anxiously checks her watch, then points to it so Malkovich can see. MALKOVICH Tommy, can I take fifteen? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on the make-up table, against the mirror. MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Oh, sweetie... We now watch the scene from Malkovich's POV. MALKOVICH Maxine... CRAIG (V.O.) I can't believe it. This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - DAY Craig is toweling himself off, hurriedly combing his hair. Maxine enters. CRAIG You're glowing again. MAXINE A girl has a right to glow if she wants. It's in the fucking constitution. Maxine sits. Craig smiles to himself. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING Craig is feeding the various caged animals. He puts two plates of food in Elijah's cage. Lotte is ungagged and unbound now. She eats as Craig slumps down next to the cage, gun in hand. CRAIG It was lovely being you being Malkovich, my dear. I'd never seen the passionate side of sweet Maxine before, or her actual tits for that matter. If only, I've been thinking to myself, if only I could actually feel what Malkovich feels, rather than just see what he sees... And then, dare I say it, if only I could control his arms, his legs, his pelvis, and make them do my bidding. LOTTE It'll never happen, fuckface. CRAIG Ah, but you're forgetting one thing, Lambchop. LOTTE What's that? CRAIG I'm a puppeteer. Craig picks up the phone and dials. He smiles as he holds the receiver up to Lotte's face. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on Maxine's couch. MAXINE Lotte, this is so good... CRAIG (V.O.) (tense, commanding) Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Malkovich clumsily, awkwardly moves his hand across Maxine's breast. CRAIG (V.O.) (CONT'D) Holy shit, yes! MALKOVICH Holy shit, yes! CRAIG (V.O.) Holy shit! He said what I said! MALKOVICH Holy shit! He said what I said! MAXINE Lotte? Is that you? CRAIG (V.O.) Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! MALKOVICH Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! (scared) What the fuck is going on? I'm not talking. This is not me! MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Maxine kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. There is a sucking sound. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT There is a pop and Craig lands in the ditch. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT A panicked Malkovich is pulling on his clothes. MALKOVICH Something was making me talk. Some Goddamn thing was making me move. I gotta get out of here. MAXINE Oh, Dollface, it was just your passion for me taking hold. MALKOVICH No, Dollface, I know what my passion taking hold feels like. I gotta go. He leaves. Maxine falls back on the couch and sighs contentedly. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT A wet, mess Craig sits next to Lotte's cage. Lotte is bound and gagged. CRAIG I did it, sweetie. I moved his arm across your girlfriend's glorious tit. I made him talk. And, oh, there was the beginning of sensation in the fingertips. Ummmm-mmmm! It's just a matter of practice before Malkovich becomes nothing more than another puppet hanging next to my worktable. Coffee? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich paces nervously, a glass of whisky in his hand. Kevin Bacon sits on the couch and fiddles with a Rubic's Cube. MALKOVICH It's like nothing I've ever felt before. I think I'm going crazy. KEVIN BACON I'm sure you're not going crazy. MALKOVICH Kevin, I'm telling you... it was like nothing I've... KEVIN BACON Yeah yeah yeah. Yadda yadda yadda. Were you stoned? MALKOVICH Yes, but you see, someone else was talking through my mouth. KEVIN BACON You were stoned. Case closed. End of story. How hot is this babe? MALKOVICH I think it might've been this Lotte woman talking through me. Maxine likes to call me Lotte. KEVIN BACON Ouch. Now that's hot. She's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover. Let me know when you're done with her. This is my type of chick. MALKOVICH I'm done with her now. Tonight really creeped me out. KEVIN BACON You're crazy to let go of a chick who calls you Lotte. I tell you that as a friend. MALKOVICH I don't know anything about her. What if she's some sort of witch or something? KEVIN BACON All the better. Hey, Hot Lesbian Witches, next Geraldo, buddy boy. Ha ha ha. MALKOVICH I gotta know the truth, Kevin. KEVIN BACON The truth is for suckers, Johnny-Boy. CUT TO: EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING Malkovich, in a baseball cap and sunglasses, leans against the wall. After a moment, Maxine emerges from the building and walks down the block. Malkovich follows at a safe distance. CUT TO: INT. 7 1/2 FLOOR - MORNING The elevator doors are pried open. It's packed. Maxine and a few other people climb out. The last to emerge is Malkovich. He is astounded by the dimensions of the floor. He turns the corner and sees the long line of crouching fat people. Maxine goes into the office and closes the door. Maxine sees "J.M. Inc." stenciled on the office door. He turns to the first fat man and line. MALKOVICH Excuse me, what type of service does this company provide? FAT MAN You get to be John Malkovich for fifteen minutes. Two hundred clams. MALKOVICH (quietly flipped) I see. FAT MAN No cutting, by the way. Malkovich pounds on the door. FAT MAN (CONT'D) No cutting! Several fat people jump on Malkovich, and start beating him. Craig steps out of the office. CRAIG Hey! Break it up! Break it up! Everybody gets a chance to be... The fat people climb off Malkovich. His glasses and cap have been knocked off and everyone recognizes him. FAT MAN It's him! Oh, we're so sorry Mr. Malkovich! I hope me and my associates from Overeaters Anonymous didn't hurt you too terribly. MALKOVICH (to Craig) Inside. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Craig and Malkovich enter. Maxine looks up, startled, but controlling it. MAXINE Darling! MALKOVICH What the fuck is going on? CRAIG Mr. Malkovich, my name is Craig Schwartz. I can explain. We operate a little business her that... simulates, for our clientele, the experience of... being you, actually. MALKOVICH Simulates? CRAIG Sure, after a fashion. MALKOVICH Let me try. CRAIG You? Why I'm sure it would pale in comparison to the actual experience. MALKOVICH Let me try! MAXINE Let him try. CRAIG Of course, right this way, Mr. Malkovich. Compliments of the house. Craig ushers Malkovich to the portal door, opens it. MALKOVICH (repulsed by the slime) Jesus. Malkovich climbs in. The door closes. CRAIG What happens when a man climbs through his own portal? MAXINE (shrugs) How the hell would I know? I wasn't a philosophy major. CUT TO: INT. MEMBRANOUS TUNNEL - DAY Malkovich crawls through. It's murky. He's tense. Suddenly there is a slurping sound. CUT TO: PSYCHEDELIC MONTAGE We see Malkovich hurtling through different environments. It's scary: giant toads, swirling eddies of garish, colored lights, naked old people pointing and laughing, black velvet clown paintings. CUT TO: INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT Malkovich pops into a chair in a swakn night club. He's wearing a tuxedo. The woman across the table from him is also Malkovich, but in a gown. He looks around the restaurant. Everyone is Malkovich in different clothes. Malkovich is panicked. The girl Malkovich across the table looks at him seductively, winks and talks. GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich looks confused. The Malkovich waiter approaches, pen and pad in hand, ready to take their orders. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich? GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich. (Turning to Malkovich) Malkovich? Malkovich looks down at the menu. Every item is "Malkovich." He screams: MALKOVICH Malkovich! The waiter jots it down on his pad. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich. Malkovich pushes himself away from the table and runs for the exit. He passes the stage where a girl singer Malkovich is singin sensuously into the microphone. She is backed by a '40's style big band of Malkoviches. SINGING MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich flies through the back door. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - DAY Malkovich lands with a thud in the ditch. Craig is waiting there with his van. On its side is painted "See The World in Malk-O-Vision" followed by a phone number. Malkovich is huddled and shivering and soaking wet. CRAIG So how was it? MALKOVICH That... was... no... simulation. CRAIG I know. I'm sorry... MALKOVICH I have been to the dark side. I have seen a world that no man should ever see. CRAIG Really? For most people it's a rather pleasant experience. What exactly did you... MALKOVICH This portal is mine and must be sealed up forever. For the love of God. CRAIG With all respect, sir, I discovered that portal. Its my livelihood. MALKOVICH It's my head, Schwartz, and I'll see you in court! Malkovich trudges off along the shoulder of the turnpike. CRAIG (calling after him) And who's to say I won't be seeing what you're seeing... in court? Cars whiz by Malkovich. Someone yells from a passing car. MOTORIST Hey, Malkovich! Think fast! Malkovich looks up. A beer can comes flying out of the car and hits him on the head. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Craig is feeding the animals. His gun is stuck in his pants. He gets to Lotte's cage. She is bound but ungagged. She looks haggard. LOTTE Once this was a relationship based on love. Now you have me in a cage with a monkey and a gun to my head. CRAIG Things change. Anyway, you gave up your claim to that love the first time you stuck your dick in Maxine. LOTTE You fell in love with her first. CRAIG Yeah but I didn't do anything about it. Out of respect for our marriage. LOTTE You didn't do anything about it out of respect for the fact that she wouldn't let you near her with a ten foot pole, which is, by the way, about nine feet, nine inches off the mark anyway. CRAIG (beat) That's true. Oh, God, Lotte, what have I become? My wife in a cage with a monkey. A gun in my hand. Betrayal in my heart. LOTTE Maybe this is what you've always been, Craig, you just never faced it before. CRAIG Perhaps you're right. I can't let you go though. Too much has happened. You're my ace in the hole. LOTTE I need a shower. CRAIG I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry. I'm some kind of monster. I'm the guy you read about in the paper and go, "he's some kind of monster." LOTTE You're not a monster, Craig. Just a confused man. CRAIG I love you so much. She dials her phone, opens her cage, puts phone to her ear. CRAIG (CONT'D) But I gotta go now. I've got to go be Johnny. MAXINE (O.S.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone... LOTTE We have to meet. MAXINE One hour. Craig hangs up, tapes Lotte's mouth. CRAIG I'll tell you all about it when I get home. Craig exits. Lotte fiddles with the ropes on her hands Elijah, slumped in the corner of the cage, blankly watches her moving hands. Suddenly his eyes narrow. Something is going on in his brain. We move slowly into his eyes. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. JUNGLE - DAY It is a memory: blurry and overexposed, the color washed out. We see a weathered wooden sign which reads "Africa." The sound of running feet, huffing frantic breathing. We watch from up in a tree (Elijah's POV) as two men in safari suits chase a couple of chimps across the jungle floor. The chimps are screaming as the safari men tackle them and tie them up. The safari men laugh. SAFARI MAN Well, there monkeys ain't going nowhere. Let's get us a couple a brews 'fore the boss comes back... The safari men leave the chimps on the ground. We descend from the trees to the ground next to the bound chimps. One of the chimps looks at the camera. He grunts and squeals. CHIMP ONE (DUBBED VOICE) Son, untie your mother and me! Quickly! Before the great bald chimp-men return. A small pair of chimp hands enter into the frame and struggle to untie the ropes, but to no avail. Chimp two speaks. CHIMP TWO (DUBBED VOICE) Hurry, Elijah! SAFARI MAN Why you little bastard! Elijah is wrestled to the ground amidst much screaming. DISSOLVE TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - DAY Elijah shakes off the memory and looks determinedly at the ropes on Lotte's hands. He attempts to untie the knot. He works furiously and succeeds. Lotte pulls the tape from her mouth. LOTTE Oh, Elijah, you are magnificent! Elijah beams and screams for ecstatic joy. Lotte unlocks the cage, and dials the phone. LOTTE Maxine! Listen: It hasn't been me in John the last three times. Craig's had me locked up in the apartment. He made me call you at gunpoint. It's been him! Oh, God, it's been him! MAXINE (O.S.) (beat, calmly) Really? Well, you know, he's quite good. I'm surprised. Anyway, I have a session with Malkovich I have to attend. I'll speak with you soon. LOTTE But Maxine, I thought it was me you loved. MAXINE (O.S.) I thought so too, doll. I guess we were mistaken. Maxine hangs up. Lotte, visibly shaken, dials the phone. LOTTE Hello, Dr. Lester? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT The doorbell rings. Malkovich answers it. Maxine stands there, dressed in an evening gown. MALKOVICH Come on in. MAXINE I can explain about the portal, darling. MALKOVICH Don't con me, Maxine. We're over. I just let you up here to tell you that, and to tell you that I'm taking you and Schwartz to court. MAXINE Oh shut up. (beat) Craig, darling are you in there? Malkovich tenses up, then shakes his head in an awkward, puppet-like manner. When Malkovich speaks, it seems to be against him will. MALKOVICH Yes. How did you know it was me? MAXINE Lotte called me. MALKOVICH Oh, so the bitch escaped. MAXINE Apparently you can control this Malkovich fellow now. MALKOVICH I'm getting better all the time. MAXINE I'll say you are. Let's do it on his kitchen table, then make him eat an omelette off of it. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich) No... damn... you... (as Craig) Oh shut up, you overrated sack of shit. Malkovich begins undressing, and does a lewd bump and grind while looking mortified. Maxine giggles. Malkovich (Craig) laughs wildly. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lester's hand is in a bloody bandage. The juicer sits on hi desk. Lotte sits across from him looking nervous and hollow-eyed. LESTER You know I think it pays to leave juice-making to the trained professionals. You look terrible, my dear. LOTTE Craig stole Maxine from me, Dr. Lester. LESTER Hmmm, a lesbian, are you? I must inform you that I find that highly arousing. LOTTE No, you don't understand. I've been inside Malkovich when I'm with Maxine... LESTER (slaps Lotte furiously) What?! That is not allowed. My God, you are supposed to be one of us. You know you must never partake of Malkovich by yourself! LOTTE No, I didn't know that. LESTER Oh, didn't anyone show you the indoctrination video? LOTTE No. LESTER Oh, sorry. Right this way. CUT TO: INT. SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT Lotte site next to Lester in the darkened auditorium. The projector whirs. The screen lights up. TITLE: SO YOU WANT TO BE JOHN MALKOVICH A much younger Lester addresses the camera in this black and white film, which seems to have been made in the 50's. LESTER ON FILM Welcome, my fellow Malkovichians. As you may already know, today a baby was born into this sad world. We see a shot of a newborn. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) His name is John Horatio Hannibal Malkovich. And we are the keepers of the door to his soul. One day, when his brain is big enough, we will all journey into his head and live there for all eternity. Following the teachings of our leader Karl Marx, we will build the ultimate communist community, one body and hundreds, maybe thousands, of brains inside working together to form a super human intellect capable of curing disease, stopping all war, and ruling the world with a benevolent fist. We will take a wife, a woman of uncommon beauty and intellect, who is, as yet, still an infant herself. We see a photo of another infant, this one with a ribbon in her hair. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) Her name is Floris Horatia Hannibella DeMent. LOTTE Does Floris know that she's the chosen? LESTER Well, I tried to explain it to her, but... Lester points to his ear and shrugs. CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine lie naked on the bed, looking quite relaxed. MAXINE You still there, sweets? MALKOVICH Yeah. I've figured out how to hold on as long as I want. Oddly enough, it's all in the wrists. MAXINE Wow. (little girl pout) Do a puppet show for me, Craig honey. MALKOVICH You mean with Malkovich? MAXINE I'd love to see your work. MALKOVICH (pleased) Really? Yeah. Okay. Malkovich leans over and kisses her, then gets up. MALKOVICH (CONT'D) I'll do something I call "Craig's Dance of Despair and Disillusionment." Malkovich performs the same dance that the Craig pupper did at the beginning of the film. It is exactly the same, complete with impossible somersaults and perspiring brow. He finishes by falling to his knees and weeping. MAXINE (moved) That was incredible. You're brilliant! MALKOVICH You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing with dolls. MAXINE You're right, my darling, it's so much more. It's playing with people! Malkovich kisses Maxine. She snuggles close to him. MAXINE Stay in him forever? MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, screaming) No! (as Craig, calmly) But how will we make a living, my love, if our clientele doesn't have access to our product? MAXINE Well, we'll have all the money in Malkovich's bank account, plus he still gets acting work occasionally. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, breaking through) No! Please! (as Craig, to Malkovich) Shut up, will you? We're trying to think here. (to Maxine) It is sort of like being a puppeteer. I like that about it. MAXINE No one would ever have to know its not him. MALKOVICH (an idea) Wait a minute! What if everybody knew? What if we presented Malkovich as the world's most complicated puppet and me as the only puppeteer sophisticated enough to work him? We'd wipe the floor with the Great Mantini! MAXINE Oh, Craiggy, that's brilliant! CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S SHRINE ROOM - NIGHT The worshippers are assembled. Lotte stands before them. LOTTE I have sinned, unwittingly, against the community. And for this I am truly sorry. MAN #2 W-w-what's it like on the inside? LOTTE Oh, it's glorious. It's indescribable. MAN #2 Oooh, I wanna go. I wanna go. I say it's time. LESTER Perhaps you're right, Terry. We're all prepared, and perhaps this Schwartz fellow is forcing our hand a bit. We will enter the portal tonight! Everyone cheers. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich are furiously filling the portal with cement. Suddenly Malkovich stops and runs to the office door screaming a bloodcurdling scream. He stops just as suddenly, begins to strangle himself. MALKOVICH (Craig to Malkovich) Shut up! (to Maxine) Sorry, dear, I lost control for a minute. MAXINE (kissing him) It's okay, my sweet. They go back to filling the portal. There is the sound of many shuffling feet in the hallway. The door flies open and the Malkovichians led by Lester and Lotte burst in. Malkovich and Maxine turn with a start. LESTER Aaaahhhh, the portal! LOTTE (to Malkovich) You bastard! Lotte lunges for Malkovich. Lester grabs her arm, holds her back. LESTER No! Don't harm the vessel! LOTTE It's Craig in there, I can tell. LESTER I understand, but we must protect the vessel at all costs. (to Malkovich) Please, Craig, please step aside and allow us to have what is rightfully ours. CRAIG Squatter's rights, Lester. Craig laughs somewhat maniacally. Maxine slips her arm through Craig's, joins him in his laughter, and glances triumphantly over at Lotte. MAXINE Now excuse us, we have an entertainment legend to create. LESTER (to the cult members) Clear the way for them, my friends. They will be dealt with in due time. The Malkovichians grumble and let Malkovich and Maxine exit. LESTER (CONT'D) Now, let's see what we can do to salvage this portal... for the sake of all that is good. The Malkovichians converge on the sealed portal, and begin clawing desperately at the quick-drying cement. Fingers are scraped raw, and we see smears of blood and skin on the rough gray surface. CUT TO: INT. AGENT'S OFFICE - DAY A slick-looking agent answers a buzzing phone. AGENT Of course, send him right in. Don't ever keep him waiting again. Do you understand? Malkovich and Maxine enter. The agent stands, holds out his hand. AGENT (CONT'D) John! Great to see you! Sorry about the cunt at reception. MALKOVICH This is my fiancee Maxine. The agent shakes Maxine's hand. AGENT Great to see you, Maxine. Sorry about the cunt at reception. Please have a seat. Malkovich and Maxine sit. AGENT (CONT'D) Can I get you anything? Coffee? Water? MAXINE No thanks. AGENT (into phone) Teresa, get me a chicken soup. (to Malkovich and Maxine) Chicken soup? Maxine and Malkovich shake their heads "no." MALKOVICH I'll get right to the point, Larry. I'm a puppet now... AGENT Okay. MALKOVICH I'm being controlled by the world's greatest puppeteer, Craig Schwartz... AGENT (no clue) Oh yeah, he's good. MALKOVICH ... and I want to show off his skills by performing a one-puppet extravaganza in Reno. MAXINE Vegas. MALKOVICH Vegas. Can you arrange that? AGENT Sure, sure. Just let me

surged

How many times the word 'surged' appears in the text?

CRAIG What's that? LOTTE (beat) Us, of course. Craig looks up from his packing. He and Lotte stare at each other for a long while. CRAIG (tenderly) Oh, Lot... They hug. CRAIG (CONT'D) What about Maxine? LOTTE Fuck Maxine. CRAIG We wish. They look at each other and laugh, them fall back into the embrace. They both get faraway looks in their eyes. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S GARAGE - NIGHT The clock reads 3:00 AM. Craig, in his pajamas, is working the Craig and Maxine puppets. They make love on the bare puppet stage. Craig seems possessed. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS The phone rings. Maxine sleepily picks it up. MAXINE Yes? LOTTE (O.S.) I have to see you. Can you call him and invite us over? MAXINE When? LOTTE (O.S.) Give me one hour to get inside him Exactly. Maxine checks her alarm clock. The time is 3:11 AM. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S CAR - NIGHT Lotte drives. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - A BIT LATER The doorbell rings. Maxine, in a sheer black nightgown, answers it. John Malkovich stands there. MAXINE Thanks so much for coming over. MALKOVICH Oh, I'm really glad you called. Maxine gestures for him to enter. As Malkovich passes by her, she checks the wall clock. The time is 3:50. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lotte sits on the floor in the dark. She leans, out of breath, against the wall next to the portal and checks her watch. The time is 4:10. She pulls open the door. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich sit a bit awkwardly next to each other on the couch. MAXINE So, do you enjoy being an actor? MALKOVICH Oh sure. It's very rewarding... The digital clock on the VCR clicks over to 4:11 AM. Maxine's look softens, and she kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. He seems surprised, but quickly warms to it. We shift top Malkovich's POV as Maxine begins to unbutton Malkovich's shirt. LOTTE (V.O.) Oh my darling. Oh my sweetheart. MAXINE I love you, Lotte. LOTTE (V.O.) Maxine... MALKOVICH (stopping) I'm sorry, did you just call me "Lotte"? MAXINE Do you mind? MALKOVICH (thinking) No, I guess not. I'm an actor. They get back to it. MAXINE Oh, my sweet, beautiful Lotte. MALKOVICH (thinks he's playing along) Yes, Maxine, yes. LOTTE (V.O.) This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT A sweaty and spent Craig sneaks back into the bedroom. He sees that the bed is empty. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT With a gasp and a wail of release, Lotte pops into the ditch. She is soaking wet and breathes heavily. She just lies there. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S KITCHEN - MORNING Craig is hunched over a cup of coffee. The front door can be heard to open. After a moment Lotte appears in the kitchen doorway. She is caked with dirt. Craig looks up at her. CRAIG You were him last night, weren't you? LOTTE (quietly) Yes. CRAIG And he was with her. LOTTE We love her, Craig. I'm sorry. CRAIG We? LOTTE Me and John. CRAIG Don't forget me. LOTTE Well, you have the Maxine action figure to play with. Craig looks down at his coffee. LOTTE (CONT'D) I'm sorry. That was nasty. CRAIG Life is confusing, isn't it? LOTTE Sometimes we're forced to make hard decisions. (beat) I'd like for us to stay together, Craig. You know, platonically, if that's possible. I truly value our friendship. CRAIG I feel that somehow my parents never prepared me to make this particular decision. Not that I blame them. How could they know? Today's world is so complicated. (beat) No. I have to go away now. I'm sorry, Lotte. I'm so sorry. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - MORNING Craig enters with red-rimmed eyes. Maxine sits at her desk, actually looking kind of radiant. MAXINE You're late. CRAIG Are you torturing me on purpose? MAXINE (matter of fact) I've fallen in love. CRAIG I don't think so. I've fallen in love. This is what people who've fallen in love look like. MAXINE You picked the unrequited variety. Very bad for the skin. CRAIG You're evil, Maxine. MAXINE Do you have any idea what its like to have two people look at you with total lust and devotion through the same pair of eyes? No I don't suppose you would. It's quite a thrill, Craig. Craig turns and walks out the door. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY 7 1/2 FLOOR - CONTINUOUS Craig hurries past a long line of fat people, all looking eager, all clutching cash. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - MORNING Lester sits at his desk. The intercom buzzes. LESTER (depressing switch) Yes, my dear? FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Someone names A Lot of Warts on line two. LESTER Thank you, Floris. FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Think, Jew florist? LESTER (pressing line 2) Good morning, Lotte! LOTTE (O.S.) Dr. Lester, everything's falling apart. CUT TO: INT. GUN SHOP - MORNING Craig is at the counter buying a pistol. CUT TO: INT. JUICY-JUICE JUICE BAR - MORNING Lester and Lotte sit at a table. They both have really large glasses of carrot juice in front of them. LOTTE I blew it, Dr. Lester. LESTER You followed your heart, my child, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. LOTTE But now we've lost access to Craig. LESTER (laughs) My child, I don't think its a great mystery what Craig's up to. CUT TO: CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY Craig stands still and tense, with gun in hand. We hear the front door unlock. Lotte enters. She does not see Craig. He grabs her from behind as she passes. Lotte screams. Craig holds the gun to her head. LOTTE I'm your Goddamn wife. Once you vowed to cherish me forever. Now you hold a gun to my head? CRAIG Yeah, well welcome to the nineties. LOTTE Suck my dick! CRAIG (slapping her) Shut up! Lotte is stunned. She feels the muzzle against her forehead. She shuts up. Keeping the gun trained on Lotte, Craig dials the phone. He hands the receiver to her. He holds his ear to the receiver also. CRAIG (CONT'D) Tell her you need to see her. LOTTE (to Craig) You bastard. Craig cocks the pistol. MAXINE (V.O.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone else can be. LOTTE (looking at Craig) I have to see you. MAXINE (V.O.) Sweetie! Oh, but we can't. It's business hours. I need to keep the membranous tunnel open for paying customers. CRAIG (sotto) Tell her, what the hell, close early today, live dangerously. LOTTE What the hell, darling. Close early today, live dangerously. MAXINE (V.O.) Oooh, doll. I love this new devil-may-care side of you. Alrighty, I'll track down Lover-boy, and I'll see both of you in one hour. Exactamundo. Maxine hangs up. Lotte hands the phone to Craig, who hangs it up. Craig opens up the big cage where Elijah is housed, and motions with the gun for Lotte to enter. LOTTE (screaming) Help! He's locking me in a cage! Craig slaps Lotte hard. She looks at him, almost sadly. NEIGHBOR Shut up! PARROT Shut up! CRAIG Lesson number one: Be careful what you teach your parrot. Craig tapes Lotte's mouth, ties her hands and feet. Elijah watches him tie her. He becomes somewhat agitated, and holds his stomach. CUT TO: INT. BROADHURST THEATER - DAY Malkovich is rehearsing some business on stage. Maxine watches from the house. She anxiously checks her watch, then points to it so Malkovich can see. MALKOVICH Tommy, can I take fifteen? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on the make-up table, against the mirror. MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Oh, sweetie... We now watch the scene from Malkovich's POV. MALKOVICH Maxine... CRAIG (V.O.) I can't believe it. This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - DAY Craig is toweling himself off, hurriedly combing his hair. Maxine enters. CRAIG You're glowing again. MAXINE A girl has a right to glow if she wants. It's in the fucking constitution. Maxine sits. Craig smiles to himself. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING Craig is feeding the various caged animals. He puts two plates of food in Elijah's cage. Lotte is ungagged and unbound now. She eats as Craig slumps down next to the cage, gun in hand. CRAIG It was lovely being you being Malkovich, my dear. I'd never seen the passionate side of sweet Maxine before, or her actual tits for that matter. If only, I've been thinking to myself, if only I could actually feel what Malkovich feels, rather than just see what he sees... And then, dare I say it, if only I could control his arms, his legs, his pelvis, and make them do my bidding. LOTTE It'll never happen, fuckface. CRAIG Ah, but you're forgetting one thing, Lambchop. LOTTE What's that? CRAIG I'm a puppeteer. Craig picks up the phone and dials. He smiles as he holds the receiver up to Lotte's face. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on Maxine's couch. MAXINE Lotte, this is so good... CRAIG (V.O.) (tense, commanding) Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Malkovich clumsily, awkwardly moves his hand across Maxine's breast. CRAIG (V.O.) (CONT'D) Holy shit, yes! MALKOVICH Holy shit, yes! CRAIG (V.O.) Holy shit! He said what I said! MALKOVICH Holy shit! He said what I said! MAXINE Lotte? Is that you? CRAIG (V.O.) Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! MALKOVICH Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! (scared) What the fuck is going on? I'm not talking. This is not me! MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Maxine kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. There is a sucking sound. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT There is a pop and Craig lands in the ditch. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT A panicked Malkovich is pulling on his clothes. MALKOVICH Something was making me talk. Some Goddamn thing was making me move. I gotta get out of here. MAXINE Oh, Dollface, it was just your passion for me taking hold. MALKOVICH No, Dollface, I know what my passion taking hold feels like. I gotta go. He leaves. Maxine falls back on the couch and sighs contentedly. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT A wet, mess Craig sits next to Lotte's cage. Lotte is bound and gagged. CRAIG I did it, sweetie. I moved his arm across your girlfriend's glorious tit. I made him talk. And, oh, there was the beginning of sensation in the fingertips. Ummmm-mmmm! It's just a matter of practice before Malkovich becomes nothing more than another puppet hanging next to my worktable. Coffee? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich paces nervously, a glass of whisky in his hand. Kevin Bacon sits on the couch and fiddles with a Rubic's Cube. MALKOVICH It's like nothing I've ever felt before. I think I'm going crazy. KEVIN BACON I'm sure you're not going crazy. MALKOVICH Kevin, I'm telling you... it was like nothing I've... KEVIN BACON Yeah yeah yeah. Yadda yadda yadda. Were you stoned? MALKOVICH Yes, but you see, someone else was talking through my mouth. KEVIN BACON You were stoned. Case closed. End of story. How hot is this babe? MALKOVICH I think it might've been this Lotte woman talking through me. Maxine likes to call me Lotte. KEVIN BACON Ouch. Now that's hot. She's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover. Let me know when you're done with her. This is my type of chick. MALKOVICH I'm done with her now. Tonight really creeped me out. KEVIN BACON You're crazy to let go of a chick who calls you Lotte. I tell you that as a friend. MALKOVICH I don't know anything about her. What if she's some sort of witch or something? KEVIN BACON All the better. Hey, Hot Lesbian Witches, next Geraldo, buddy boy. Ha ha ha. MALKOVICH I gotta know the truth, Kevin. KEVIN BACON The truth is for suckers, Johnny-Boy. CUT TO: EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING Malkovich, in a baseball cap and sunglasses, leans against the wall. After a moment, Maxine emerges from the building and walks down the block. Malkovich follows at a safe distance. CUT TO: INT. 7 1/2 FLOOR - MORNING The elevator doors are pried open. It's packed. Maxine and a few other people climb out. The last to emerge is Malkovich. He is astounded by the dimensions of the floor. He turns the corner and sees the long line of crouching fat people. Maxine goes into the office and closes the door. Maxine sees "J.M. Inc." stenciled on the office door. He turns to the first fat man and line. MALKOVICH Excuse me, what type of service does this company provide? FAT MAN You get to be John Malkovich for fifteen minutes. Two hundred clams. MALKOVICH (quietly flipped) I see. FAT MAN No cutting, by the way. Malkovich pounds on the door. FAT MAN (CONT'D) No cutting! Several fat people jump on Malkovich, and start beating him. Craig steps out of the office. CRAIG Hey! Break it up! Break it up! Everybody gets a chance to be... The fat people climb off Malkovich. His glasses and cap have been knocked off and everyone recognizes him. FAT MAN It's him! Oh, we're so sorry Mr. Malkovich! I hope me and my associates from Overeaters Anonymous didn't hurt you too terribly. MALKOVICH (to Craig) Inside. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Craig and Malkovich enter. Maxine looks up, startled, but controlling it. MAXINE Darling! MALKOVICH What the fuck is going on? CRAIG Mr. Malkovich, my name is Craig Schwartz. I can explain. We operate a little business her that... simulates, for our clientele, the experience of... being you, actually. MALKOVICH Simulates? CRAIG Sure, after a fashion. MALKOVICH Let me try. CRAIG You? Why I'm sure it would pale in comparison to the actual experience. MALKOVICH Let me try! MAXINE Let him try. CRAIG Of course, right this way, Mr. Malkovich. Compliments of the house. Craig ushers Malkovich to the portal door, opens it. MALKOVICH (repulsed by the slime) Jesus. Malkovich climbs in. The door closes. CRAIG What happens when a man climbs through his own portal? MAXINE (shrugs) How the hell would I know? I wasn't a philosophy major. CUT TO: INT. MEMBRANOUS TUNNEL - DAY Malkovich crawls through. It's murky. He's tense. Suddenly there is a slurping sound. CUT TO: PSYCHEDELIC MONTAGE We see Malkovich hurtling through different environments. It's scary: giant toads, swirling eddies of garish, colored lights, naked old people pointing and laughing, black velvet clown paintings. CUT TO: INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT Malkovich pops into a chair in a swakn night club. He's wearing a tuxedo. The woman across the table from him is also Malkovich, but in a gown. He looks around the restaurant. Everyone is Malkovich in different clothes. Malkovich is panicked. The girl Malkovich across the table looks at him seductively, winks and talks. GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich looks confused. The Malkovich waiter approaches, pen and pad in hand, ready to take their orders. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich? GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich. (Turning to Malkovich) Malkovich? Malkovich looks down at the menu. Every item is "Malkovich." He screams: MALKOVICH Malkovich! The waiter jots it down on his pad. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich. Malkovich pushes himself away from the table and runs for the exit. He passes the stage where a girl singer Malkovich is singin sensuously into the microphone. She is backed by a '40's style big band of Malkoviches. SINGING MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich flies through the back door. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - DAY Malkovich lands with a thud in the ditch. Craig is waiting there with his van. On its side is painted "See The World in Malk-O-Vision" followed by a phone number. Malkovich is huddled and shivering and soaking wet. CRAIG So how was it? MALKOVICH That... was... no... simulation. CRAIG I know. I'm sorry... MALKOVICH I have been to the dark side. I have seen a world that no man should ever see. CRAIG Really? For most people it's a rather pleasant experience. What exactly did you... MALKOVICH This portal is mine and must be sealed up forever. For the love of God. CRAIG With all respect, sir, I discovered that portal. Its my livelihood. MALKOVICH It's my head, Schwartz, and I'll see you in court! Malkovich trudges off along the shoulder of the turnpike. CRAIG (calling after him) And who's to say I won't be seeing what you're seeing... in court? Cars whiz by Malkovich. Someone yells from a passing car. MOTORIST Hey, Malkovich! Think fast! Malkovich looks up. A beer can comes flying out of the car and hits him on the head. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Craig is feeding the animals. His gun is stuck in his pants. He gets to Lotte's cage. She is bound but ungagged. She looks haggard. LOTTE Once this was a relationship based on love. Now you have me in a cage with a monkey and a gun to my head. CRAIG Things change. Anyway, you gave up your claim to that love the first time you stuck your dick in Maxine. LOTTE You fell in love with her first. CRAIG Yeah but I didn't do anything about it. Out of respect for our marriage. LOTTE You didn't do anything about it out of respect for the fact that she wouldn't let you near her with a ten foot pole, which is, by the way, about nine feet, nine inches off the mark anyway. CRAIG (beat) That's true. Oh, God, Lotte, what have I become? My wife in a cage with a monkey. A gun in my hand. Betrayal in my heart. LOTTE Maybe this is what you've always been, Craig, you just never faced it before. CRAIG Perhaps you're right. I can't let you go though. Too much has happened. You're my ace in the hole. LOTTE I need a shower. CRAIG I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry. I'm some kind of monster. I'm the guy you read about in the paper and go, "he's some kind of monster." LOTTE You're not a monster, Craig. Just a confused man. CRAIG I love you so much. She dials her phone, opens her cage, puts phone to her ear. CRAIG (CONT'D) But I gotta go now. I've got to go be Johnny. MAXINE (O.S.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone... LOTTE We have to meet. MAXINE One hour. Craig hangs up, tapes Lotte's mouth. CRAIG I'll tell you all about it when I get home. Craig exits. Lotte fiddles with the ropes on her hands Elijah, slumped in the corner of the cage, blankly watches her moving hands. Suddenly his eyes narrow. Something is going on in his brain. We move slowly into his eyes. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. JUNGLE - DAY It is a memory: blurry and overexposed, the color washed out. We see a weathered wooden sign which reads "Africa." The sound of running feet, huffing frantic breathing. We watch from up in a tree (Elijah's POV) as two men in safari suits chase a couple of chimps across the jungle floor. The chimps are screaming as the safari men tackle them and tie them up. The safari men laugh. SAFARI MAN Well, there monkeys ain't going nowhere. Let's get us a couple a brews 'fore the boss comes back... The safari men leave the chimps on the ground. We descend from the trees to the ground next to the bound chimps. One of the chimps looks at the camera. He grunts and squeals. CHIMP ONE (DUBBED VOICE) Son, untie your mother and me! Quickly! Before the great bald chimp-men return. A small pair of chimp hands enter into the frame and struggle to untie the ropes, but to no avail. Chimp two speaks. CHIMP TWO (DUBBED VOICE) Hurry, Elijah! SAFARI MAN Why you little bastard! Elijah is wrestled to the ground amidst much screaming. DISSOLVE TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - DAY Elijah shakes off the memory and looks determinedly at the ropes on Lotte's hands. He attempts to untie the knot. He works furiously and succeeds. Lotte pulls the tape from her mouth. LOTTE Oh, Elijah, you are magnificent! Elijah beams and screams for ecstatic joy. Lotte unlocks the cage, and dials the phone. LOTTE Maxine! Listen: It hasn't been me in John the last three times. Craig's had me locked up in the apartment. He made me call you at gunpoint. It's been him! Oh, God, it's been him! MAXINE (O.S.) (beat, calmly) Really? Well, you know, he's quite good. I'm surprised. Anyway, I have a session with Malkovich I have to attend. I'll speak with you soon. LOTTE But Maxine, I thought it was me you loved. MAXINE (O.S.) I thought so too, doll. I guess we were mistaken. Maxine hangs up. Lotte, visibly shaken, dials the phone. LOTTE Hello, Dr. Lester? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT The doorbell rings. Malkovich answers it. Maxine stands there, dressed in an evening gown. MALKOVICH Come on in. MAXINE I can explain about the portal, darling. MALKOVICH Don't con me, Maxine. We're over. I just let you up here to tell you that, and to tell you that I'm taking you and Schwartz to court. MAXINE Oh shut up. (beat) Craig, darling are you in there? Malkovich tenses up, then shakes his head in an awkward, puppet-like manner. When Malkovich speaks, it seems to be against him will. MALKOVICH Yes. How did you know it was me? MAXINE Lotte called me. MALKOVICH Oh, so the bitch escaped. MAXINE Apparently you can control this Malkovich fellow now. MALKOVICH I'm getting better all the time. MAXINE I'll say you are. Let's do it on his kitchen table, then make him eat an omelette off of it. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich) No... damn... you... (as Craig) Oh shut up, you overrated sack of shit. Malkovich begins undressing, and does a lewd bump and grind while looking mortified. Maxine giggles. Malkovich (Craig) laughs wildly. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lester's hand is in a bloody bandage. The juicer sits on hi desk. Lotte sits across from him looking nervous and hollow-eyed. LESTER You know I think it pays to leave juice-making to the trained professionals. You look terrible, my dear. LOTTE Craig stole Maxine from me, Dr. Lester. LESTER Hmmm, a lesbian, are you? I must inform you that I find that highly arousing. LOTTE No, you don't understand. I've been inside Malkovich when I'm with Maxine... LESTER (slaps Lotte furiously) What?! That is not allowed. My God, you are supposed to be one of us. You know you must never partake of Malkovich by yourself! LOTTE No, I didn't know that. LESTER Oh, didn't anyone show you the indoctrination video? LOTTE No. LESTER Oh, sorry. Right this way. CUT TO: INT. SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT Lotte site next to Lester in the darkened auditorium. The projector whirs. The screen lights up. TITLE: SO YOU WANT TO BE JOHN MALKOVICH A much younger Lester addresses the camera in this black and white film, which seems to have been made in the 50's. LESTER ON FILM Welcome, my fellow Malkovichians. As you may already know, today a baby was born into this sad world. We see a shot of a newborn. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) His name is John Horatio Hannibal Malkovich. And we are the keepers of the door to his soul. One day, when his brain is big enough, we will all journey into his head and live there for all eternity. Following the teachings of our leader Karl Marx, we will build the ultimate communist community, one body and hundreds, maybe thousands, of brains inside working together to form a super human intellect capable of curing disease, stopping all war, and ruling the world with a benevolent fist. We will take a wife, a woman of uncommon beauty and intellect, who is, as yet, still an infant herself. We see a photo of another infant, this one with a ribbon in her hair. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) Her name is Floris Horatia Hannibella DeMent. LOTTE Does Floris know that she's the chosen? LESTER Well, I tried to explain it to her, but... Lester points to his ear and shrugs. CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine lie naked on the bed, looking quite relaxed. MAXINE You still there, sweets? MALKOVICH Yeah. I've figured out how to hold on as long as I want. Oddly enough, it's all in the wrists. MAXINE Wow. (little girl pout) Do a puppet show for me, Craig honey. MALKOVICH You mean with Malkovich? MAXINE I'd love to see your work. MALKOVICH (pleased) Really? Yeah. Okay. Malkovich leans over and kisses her, then gets up. MALKOVICH (CONT'D) I'll do something I call "Craig's Dance of Despair and Disillusionment." Malkovich performs the same dance that the Craig pupper did at the beginning of the film. It is exactly the same, complete with impossible somersaults and perspiring brow. He finishes by falling to his knees and weeping. MAXINE (moved) That was incredible. You're brilliant! MALKOVICH You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing with dolls. MAXINE You're right, my darling, it's so much more. It's playing with people! Malkovich kisses Maxine. She snuggles close to him. MAXINE Stay in him forever? MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, screaming) No! (as Craig, calmly) But how will we make a living, my love, if our clientele doesn't have access to our product? MAXINE Well, we'll have all the money in Malkovich's bank account, plus he still gets acting work occasionally. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, breaking through) No! Please! (as Craig, to Malkovich) Shut up, will you? We're trying to think here. (to Maxine) It is sort of like being a puppeteer. I like that about it. MAXINE No one would ever have to know its not him. MALKOVICH (an idea) Wait a minute! What if everybody knew? What if we presented Malkovich as the world's most complicated puppet and me as the only puppeteer sophisticated enough to work him? We'd wipe the floor with the Great Mantini! MAXINE Oh, Craiggy, that's brilliant! CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S SHRINE ROOM - NIGHT The worshippers are assembled. Lotte stands before them. LOTTE I have sinned, unwittingly, against the community. And for this I am truly sorry. MAN #2 W-w-what's it like on the inside? LOTTE Oh, it's glorious. It's indescribable. MAN #2 Oooh, I wanna go. I wanna go. I say it's time. LESTER Perhaps you're right, Terry. We're all prepared, and perhaps this Schwartz fellow is forcing our hand a bit. We will enter the portal tonight! Everyone cheers. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich are furiously filling the portal with cement. Suddenly Malkovich stops and runs to the office door screaming a bloodcurdling scream. He stops just as suddenly, begins to strangle himself. MALKOVICH (Craig to Malkovich) Shut up! (to Maxine) Sorry, dear, I lost control for a minute. MAXINE (kissing him) It's okay, my sweet. They go back to filling the portal. There is the sound of many shuffling feet in the hallway. The door flies open and the Malkovichians led by Lester and Lotte burst in. Malkovich and Maxine turn with a start. LESTER Aaaahhhh, the portal! LOTTE (to Malkovich) You bastard! Lotte lunges for Malkovich. Lester grabs her arm, holds her back. LESTER No! Don't harm the vessel! LOTTE It's Craig in there, I can tell. LESTER I understand, but we must protect the vessel at all costs. (to Malkovich) Please, Craig, please step aside and allow us to have what is rightfully ours. CRAIG Squatter's rights, Lester. Craig laughs somewhat maniacally. Maxine slips her arm through Craig's, joins him in his laughter, and glances triumphantly over at Lotte. MAXINE Now excuse us, we have an entertainment legend to create. LESTER (to the cult members) Clear the way for them, my friends. They will be dealt with in due time. The Malkovichians grumble and let Malkovich and Maxine exit. LESTER (CONT'D) Now, let's see what we can do to salvage this portal... for the sake of all that is good. The Malkovichians converge on the sealed portal, and begin clawing desperately at the quick-drying cement. Fingers are scraped raw, and we see smears of blood and skin on the rough gray surface. CUT TO: INT. AGENT'S OFFICE - DAY A slick-looking agent answers a buzzing phone. AGENT Of course, send him right in. Don't ever keep him waiting again. Do you understand? Malkovich and Maxine enter. The agent stands, holds out his hand. AGENT (CONT'D) John! Great to see you! Sorry about the cunt at reception. MALKOVICH This is my fiancee Maxine. The agent shakes Maxine's hand. AGENT Great to see you, Maxine. Sorry about the cunt at reception. Please have a seat. Malkovich and Maxine sit. AGENT (CONT'D) Can I get you anything? Coffee? Water? MAXINE No thanks. AGENT (into phone) Teresa, get me a chicken soup. (to Malkovich and Maxine) Chicken soup? Maxine and Malkovich shake their heads "no." MALKOVICH I'll get right to the point, Larry. I'm a puppet now... AGENT Okay. MALKOVICH I'm being controlled by the world's greatest puppeteer, Craig Schwartz... AGENT (no clue) Oh yeah, he's good. MALKOVICH ... and I want to show off his skills by performing a one-puppet extravaganza in Reno. MAXINE Vegas. MALKOVICH Vegas. Can you arrange that? AGENT Sure, sure. Just let me

floor

How many times the word 'floor' appears in the text?

CRAIG What's that? LOTTE (beat) Us, of course. Craig looks up from his packing. He and Lotte stare at each other for a long while. CRAIG (tenderly) Oh, Lot... They hug. CRAIG (CONT'D) What about Maxine? LOTTE Fuck Maxine. CRAIG We wish. They look at each other and laugh, them fall back into the embrace. They both get faraway looks in their eyes. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S GARAGE - NIGHT The clock reads 3:00 AM. Craig, in his pajamas, is working the Craig and Maxine puppets. They make love on the bare puppet stage. Craig seems possessed. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS The phone rings. Maxine sleepily picks it up. MAXINE Yes? LOTTE (O.S.) I have to see you. Can you call him and invite us over? MAXINE When? LOTTE (O.S.) Give me one hour to get inside him Exactly. Maxine checks her alarm clock. The time is 3:11 AM. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S CAR - NIGHT Lotte drives. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - A BIT LATER The doorbell rings. Maxine, in a sheer black nightgown, answers it. John Malkovich stands there. MAXINE Thanks so much for coming over. MALKOVICH Oh, I'm really glad you called. Maxine gestures for him to enter. As Malkovich passes by her, she checks the wall clock. The time is 3:50. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lotte sits on the floor in the dark. She leans, out of breath, against the wall next to the portal and checks her watch. The time is 4:10. She pulls open the door. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich sit a bit awkwardly next to each other on the couch. MAXINE So, do you enjoy being an actor? MALKOVICH Oh sure. It's very rewarding... The digital clock on the VCR clicks over to 4:11 AM. Maxine's look softens, and she kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. He seems surprised, but quickly warms to it. We shift top Malkovich's POV as Maxine begins to unbutton Malkovich's shirt. LOTTE (V.O.) Oh my darling. Oh my sweetheart. MAXINE I love you, Lotte. LOTTE (V.O.) Maxine... MALKOVICH (stopping) I'm sorry, did you just call me "Lotte"? MAXINE Do you mind? MALKOVICH (thinking) No, I guess not. I'm an actor. They get back to it. MAXINE Oh, my sweet, beautiful Lotte. MALKOVICH (thinks he's playing along) Yes, Maxine, yes. LOTTE (V.O.) This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT A sweaty and spent Craig sneaks back into the bedroom. He sees that the bed is empty. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT With a gasp and a wail of release, Lotte pops into the ditch. She is soaking wet and breathes heavily. She just lies there. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S KITCHEN - MORNING Craig is hunched over a cup of coffee. The front door can be heard to open. After a moment Lotte appears in the kitchen doorway. She is caked with dirt. Craig looks up at her. CRAIG You were him last night, weren't you? LOTTE (quietly) Yes. CRAIG And he was with her. LOTTE We love her, Craig. I'm sorry. CRAIG We? LOTTE Me and John. CRAIG Don't forget me. LOTTE Well, you have the Maxine action figure to play with. Craig looks down at his coffee. LOTTE (CONT'D) I'm sorry. That was nasty. CRAIG Life is confusing, isn't it? LOTTE Sometimes we're forced to make hard decisions. (beat) I'd like for us to stay together, Craig. You know, platonically, if that's possible. I truly value our friendship. CRAIG I feel that somehow my parents never prepared me to make this particular decision. Not that I blame them. How could they know? Today's world is so complicated. (beat) No. I have to go away now. I'm sorry, Lotte. I'm so sorry. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - MORNING Craig enters with red-rimmed eyes. Maxine sits at her desk, actually looking kind of radiant. MAXINE You're late. CRAIG Are you torturing me on purpose? MAXINE (matter of fact) I've fallen in love. CRAIG I don't think so. I've fallen in love. This is what people who've fallen in love look like. MAXINE You picked the unrequited variety. Very bad for the skin. CRAIG You're evil, Maxine. MAXINE Do you have any idea what its like to have two people look at you with total lust and devotion through the same pair of eyes? No I don't suppose you would. It's quite a thrill, Craig. Craig turns and walks out the door. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY 7 1/2 FLOOR - CONTINUOUS Craig hurries past a long line of fat people, all looking eager, all clutching cash. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - MORNING Lester sits at his desk. The intercom buzzes. LESTER (depressing switch) Yes, my dear? FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Someone names A Lot of Warts on line two. LESTER Thank you, Floris. FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Think, Jew florist? LESTER (pressing line 2) Good morning, Lotte! LOTTE (O.S.) Dr. Lester, everything's falling apart. CUT TO: INT. GUN SHOP - MORNING Craig is at the counter buying a pistol. CUT TO: INT. JUICY-JUICE JUICE BAR - MORNING Lester and Lotte sit at a table. They both have really large glasses of carrot juice in front of them. LOTTE I blew it, Dr. Lester. LESTER You followed your heart, my child, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. LOTTE But now we've lost access to Craig. LESTER (laughs) My child, I don't think its a great mystery what Craig's up to. CUT TO: CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY Craig stands still and tense, with gun in hand. We hear the front door unlock. Lotte enters. She does not see Craig. He grabs her from behind as she passes. Lotte screams. Craig holds the gun to her head. LOTTE I'm your Goddamn wife. Once you vowed to cherish me forever. Now you hold a gun to my head? CRAIG Yeah, well welcome to the nineties. LOTTE Suck my dick! CRAIG (slapping her) Shut up! Lotte is stunned. She feels the muzzle against her forehead. She shuts up. Keeping the gun trained on Lotte, Craig dials the phone. He hands the receiver to her. He holds his ear to the receiver also. CRAIG (CONT'D) Tell her you need to see her. LOTTE (to Craig) You bastard. Craig cocks the pistol. MAXINE (V.O.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone else can be. LOTTE (looking at Craig) I have to see you. MAXINE (V.O.) Sweetie! Oh, but we can't. It's business hours. I need to keep the membranous tunnel open for paying customers. CRAIG (sotto) Tell her, what the hell, close early today, live dangerously. LOTTE What the hell, darling. Close early today, live dangerously. MAXINE (V.O.) Oooh, doll. I love this new devil-may-care side of you. Alrighty, I'll track down Lover-boy, and I'll see both of you in one hour. Exactamundo. Maxine hangs up. Lotte hands the phone to Craig, who hangs it up. Craig opens up the big cage where Elijah is housed, and motions with the gun for Lotte to enter. LOTTE (screaming) Help! He's locking me in a cage! Craig slaps Lotte hard. She looks at him, almost sadly. NEIGHBOR Shut up! PARROT Shut up! CRAIG Lesson number one: Be careful what you teach your parrot. Craig tapes Lotte's mouth, ties her hands and feet. Elijah watches him tie her. He becomes somewhat agitated, and holds his stomach. CUT TO: INT. BROADHURST THEATER - DAY Malkovich is rehearsing some business on stage. Maxine watches from the house. She anxiously checks her watch, then points to it so Malkovich can see. MALKOVICH Tommy, can I take fifteen? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on the make-up table, against the mirror. MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Oh, sweetie... We now watch the scene from Malkovich's POV. MALKOVICH Maxine... CRAIG (V.O.) I can't believe it. This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - DAY Craig is toweling himself off, hurriedly combing his hair. Maxine enters. CRAIG You're glowing again. MAXINE A girl has a right to glow if she wants. It's in the fucking constitution. Maxine sits. Craig smiles to himself. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING Craig is feeding the various caged animals. He puts two plates of food in Elijah's cage. Lotte is ungagged and unbound now. She eats as Craig slumps down next to the cage, gun in hand. CRAIG It was lovely being you being Malkovich, my dear. I'd never seen the passionate side of sweet Maxine before, or her actual tits for that matter. If only, I've been thinking to myself, if only I could actually feel what Malkovich feels, rather than just see what he sees... And then, dare I say it, if only I could control his arms, his legs, his pelvis, and make them do my bidding. LOTTE It'll never happen, fuckface. CRAIG Ah, but you're forgetting one thing, Lambchop. LOTTE What's that? CRAIG I'm a puppeteer. Craig picks up the phone and dials. He smiles as he holds the receiver up to Lotte's face. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on Maxine's couch. MAXINE Lotte, this is so good... CRAIG (V.O.) (tense, commanding) Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Malkovich clumsily, awkwardly moves his hand across Maxine's breast. CRAIG (V.O.) (CONT'D) Holy shit, yes! MALKOVICH Holy shit, yes! CRAIG (V.O.) Holy shit! He said what I said! MALKOVICH Holy shit! He said what I said! MAXINE Lotte? Is that you? CRAIG (V.O.) Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! MALKOVICH Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! (scared) What the fuck is going on? I'm not talking. This is not me! MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Maxine kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. There is a sucking sound. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT There is a pop and Craig lands in the ditch. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT A panicked Malkovich is pulling on his clothes. MALKOVICH Something was making me talk. Some Goddamn thing was making me move. I gotta get out of here. MAXINE Oh, Dollface, it was just your passion for me taking hold. MALKOVICH No, Dollface, I know what my passion taking hold feels like. I gotta go. He leaves. Maxine falls back on the couch and sighs contentedly. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT A wet, mess Craig sits next to Lotte's cage. Lotte is bound and gagged. CRAIG I did it, sweetie. I moved his arm across your girlfriend's glorious tit. I made him talk. And, oh, there was the beginning of sensation in the fingertips. Ummmm-mmmm! It's just a matter of practice before Malkovich becomes nothing more than another puppet hanging next to my worktable. Coffee? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich paces nervously, a glass of whisky in his hand. Kevin Bacon sits on the couch and fiddles with a Rubic's Cube. MALKOVICH It's like nothing I've ever felt before. I think I'm going crazy. KEVIN BACON I'm sure you're not going crazy. MALKOVICH Kevin, I'm telling you... it was like nothing I've... KEVIN BACON Yeah yeah yeah. Yadda yadda yadda. Were you stoned? MALKOVICH Yes, but you see, someone else was talking through my mouth. KEVIN BACON You were stoned. Case closed. End of story. How hot is this babe? MALKOVICH I think it might've been this Lotte woman talking through me. Maxine likes to call me Lotte. KEVIN BACON Ouch. Now that's hot. She's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover. Let me know when you're done with her. This is my type of chick. MALKOVICH I'm done with her now. Tonight really creeped me out. KEVIN BACON You're crazy to let go of a chick who calls you Lotte. I tell you that as a friend. MALKOVICH I don't know anything about her. What if she's some sort of witch or something? KEVIN BACON All the better. Hey, Hot Lesbian Witches, next Geraldo, buddy boy. Ha ha ha. MALKOVICH I gotta know the truth, Kevin. KEVIN BACON The truth is for suckers, Johnny-Boy. CUT TO: EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING Malkovich, in a baseball cap and sunglasses, leans against the wall. After a moment, Maxine emerges from the building and walks down the block. Malkovich follows at a safe distance. CUT TO: INT. 7 1/2 FLOOR - MORNING The elevator doors are pried open. It's packed. Maxine and a few other people climb out. The last to emerge is Malkovich. He is astounded by the dimensions of the floor. He turns the corner and sees the long line of crouching fat people. Maxine goes into the office and closes the door. Maxine sees "J.M. Inc." stenciled on the office door. He turns to the first fat man and line. MALKOVICH Excuse me, what type of service does this company provide? FAT MAN You get to be John Malkovich for fifteen minutes. Two hundred clams. MALKOVICH (quietly flipped) I see. FAT MAN No cutting, by the way. Malkovich pounds on the door. FAT MAN (CONT'D) No cutting! Several fat people jump on Malkovich, and start beating him. Craig steps out of the office. CRAIG Hey! Break it up! Break it up! Everybody gets a chance to be... The fat people climb off Malkovich. His glasses and cap have been knocked off and everyone recognizes him. FAT MAN It's him! Oh, we're so sorry Mr. Malkovich! I hope me and my associates from Overeaters Anonymous didn't hurt you too terribly. MALKOVICH (to Craig) Inside. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Craig and Malkovich enter. Maxine looks up, startled, but controlling it. MAXINE Darling! MALKOVICH What the fuck is going on? CRAIG Mr. Malkovich, my name is Craig Schwartz. I can explain. We operate a little business her that... simulates, for our clientele, the experience of... being you, actually. MALKOVICH Simulates? CRAIG Sure, after a fashion. MALKOVICH Let me try. CRAIG You? Why I'm sure it would pale in comparison to the actual experience. MALKOVICH Let me try! MAXINE Let him try. CRAIG Of course, right this way, Mr. Malkovich. Compliments of the house. Craig ushers Malkovich to the portal door, opens it. MALKOVICH (repulsed by the slime) Jesus. Malkovich climbs in. The door closes. CRAIG What happens when a man climbs through his own portal? MAXINE (shrugs) How the hell would I know? I wasn't a philosophy major. CUT TO: INT. MEMBRANOUS TUNNEL - DAY Malkovich crawls through. It's murky. He's tense. Suddenly there is a slurping sound. CUT TO: PSYCHEDELIC MONTAGE We see Malkovich hurtling through different environments. It's scary: giant toads, swirling eddies of garish, colored lights, naked old people pointing and laughing, black velvet clown paintings. CUT TO: INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT Malkovich pops into a chair in a swakn night club. He's wearing a tuxedo. The woman across the table from him is also Malkovich, but in a gown. He looks around the restaurant. Everyone is Malkovich in different clothes. Malkovich is panicked. The girl Malkovich across the table looks at him seductively, winks and talks. GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich looks confused. The Malkovich waiter approaches, pen and pad in hand, ready to take their orders. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich? GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich. (Turning to Malkovich) Malkovich? Malkovich looks down at the menu. Every item is "Malkovich." He screams: MALKOVICH Malkovich! The waiter jots it down on his pad. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich. Malkovich pushes himself away from the table and runs for the exit. He passes the stage where a girl singer Malkovich is singin sensuously into the microphone. She is backed by a '40's style big band of Malkoviches. SINGING MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich flies through the back door. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - DAY Malkovich lands with a thud in the ditch. Craig is waiting there with his van. On its side is painted "See The World in Malk-O-Vision" followed by a phone number. Malkovich is huddled and shivering and soaking wet. CRAIG So how was it? MALKOVICH That... was... no... simulation. CRAIG I know. I'm sorry... MALKOVICH I have been to the dark side. I have seen a world that no man should ever see. CRAIG Really? For most people it's a rather pleasant experience. What exactly did you... MALKOVICH This portal is mine and must be sealed up forever. For the love of God. CRAIG With all respect, sir, I discovered that portal. Its my livelihood. MALKOVICH It's my head, Schwartz, and I'll see you in court! Malkovich trudges off along the shoulder of the turnpike. CRAIG (calling after him) And who's to say I won't be seeing what you're seeing... in court? Cars whiz by Malkovich. Someone yells from a passing car. MOTORIST Hey, Malkovich! Think fast! Malkovich looks up. A beer can comes flying out of the car and hits him on the head. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Craig is feeding the animals. His gun is stuck in his pants. He gets to Lotte's cage. She is bound but ungagged. She looks haggard. LOTTE Once this was a relationship based on love. Now you have me in a cage with a monkey and a gun to my head. CRAIG Things change. Anyway, you gave up your claim to that love the first time you stuck your dick in Maxine. LOTTE You fell in love with her first. CRAIG Yeah but I didn't do anything about it. Out of respect for our marriage. LOTTE You didn't do anything about it out of respect for the fact that she wouldn't let you near her with a ten foot pole, which is, by the way, about nine feet, nine inches off the mark anyway. CRAIG (beat) That's true. Oh, God, Lotte, what have I become? My wife in a cage with a monkey. A gun in my hand. Betrayal in my heart. LOTTE Maybe this is what you've always been, Craig, you just never faced it before. CRAIG Perhaps you're right. I can't let you go though. Too much has happened. You're my ace in the hole. LOTTE I need a shower. CRAIG I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry. I'm some kind of monster. I'm the guy you read about in the paper and go, "he's some kind of monster." LOTTE You're not a monster, Craig. Just a confused man. CRAIG I love you so much. She dials her phone, opens her cage, puts phone to her ear. CRAIG (CONT'D) But I gotta go now. I've got to go be Johnny. MAXINE (O.S.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone... LOTTE We have to meet. MAXINE One hour. Craig hangs up, tapes Lotte's mouth. CRAIG I'll tell you all about it when I get home. Craig exits. Lotte fiddles with the ropes on her hands Elijah, slumped in the corner of the cage, blankly watches her moving hands. Suddenly his eyes narrow. Something is going on in his brain. We move slowly into his eyes. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. JUNGLE - DAY It is a memory: blurry and overexposed, the color washed out. We see a weathered wooden sign which reads "Africa." The sound of running feet, huffing frantic breathing. We watch from up in a tree (Elijah's POV) as two men in safari suits chase a couple of chimps across the jungle floor. The chimps are screaming as the safari men tackle them and tie them up. The safari men laugh. SAFARI MAN Well, there monkeys ain't going nowhere. Let's get us a couple a brews 'fore the boss comes back... The safari men leave the chimps on the ground. We descend from the trees to the ground next to the bound chimps. One of the chimps looks at the camera. He grunts and squeals. CHIMP ONE (DUBBED VOICE) Son, untie your mother and me! Quickly! Before the great bald chimp-men return. A small pair of chimp hands enter into the frame and struggle to untie the ropes, but to no avail. Chimp two speaks. CHIMP TWO (DUBBED VOICE) Hurry, Elijah! SAFARI MAN Why you little bastard! Elijah is wrestled to the ground amidst much screaming. DISSOLVE TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - DAY Elijah shakes off the memory and looks determinedly at the ropes on Lotte's hands. He attempts to untie the knot. He works furiously and succeeds. Lotte pulls the tape from her mouth. LOTTE Oh, Elijah, you are magnificent! Elijah beams and screams for ecstatic joy. Lotte unlocks the cage, and dials the phone. LOTTE Maxine! Listen: It hasn't been me in John the last three times. Craig's had me locked up in the apartment. He made me call you at gunpoint. It's been him! Oh, God, it's been him! MAXINE (O.S.) (beat, calmly) Really? Well, you know, he's quite good. I'm surprised. Anyway, I have a session with Malkovich I have to attend. I'll speak with you soon. LOTTE But Maxine, I thought it was me you loved. MAXINE (O.S.) I thought so too, doll. I guess we were mistaken. Maxine hangs up. Lotte, visibly shaken, dials the phone. LOTTE Hello, Dr. Lester? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT The doorbell rings. Malkovich answers it. Maxine stands there, dressed in an evening gown. MALKOVICH Come on in. MAXINE I can explain about the portal, darling. MALKOVICH Don't con me, Maxine. We're over. I just let you up here to tell you that, and to tell you that I'm taking you and Schwartz to court. MAXINE Oh shut up. (beat) Craig, darling are you in there? Malkovich tenses up, then shakes his head in an awkward, puppet-like manner. When Malkovich speaks, it seems to be against him will. MALKOVICH Yes. How did you know it was me? MAXINE Lotte called me. MALKOVICH Oh, so the bitch escaped. MAXINE Apparently you can control this Malkovich fellow now. MALKOVICH I'm getting better all the time. MAXINE I'll say you are. Let's do it on his kitchen table, then make him eat an omelette off of it. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich) No... damn... you... (as Craig) Oh shut up, you overrated sack of shit. Malkovich begins undressing, and does a lewd bump and grind while looking mortified. Maxine giggles. Malkovich (Craig) laughs wildly. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lester's hand is in a bloody bandage. The juicer sits on hi desk. Lotte sits across from him looking nervous and hollow-eyed. LESTER You know I think it pays to leave juice-making to the trained professionals. You look terrible, my dear. LOTTE Craig stole Maxine from me, Dr. Lester. LESTER Hmmm, a lesbian, are you? I must inform you that I find that highly arousing. LOTTE No, you don't understand. I've been inside Malkovich when I'm with Maxine... LESTER (slaps Lotte furiously) What?! That is not allowed. My God, you are supposed to be one of us. You know you must never partake of Malkovich by yourself! LOTTE No, I didn't know that. LESTER Oh, didn't anyone show you the indoctrination video? LOTTE No. LESTER Oh, sorry. Right this way. CUT TO: INT. SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT Lotte site next to Lester in the darkened auditorium. The projector whirs. The screen lights up. TITLE: SO YOU WANT TO BE JOHN MALKOVICH A much younger Lester addresses the camera in this black and white film, which seems to have been made in the 50's. LESTER ON FILM Welcome, my fellow Malkovichians. As you may already know, today a baby was born into this sad world. We see a shot of a newborn. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) His name is John Horatio Hannibal Malkovich. And we are the keepers of the door to his soul. One day, when his brain is big enough, we will all journey into his head and live there for all eternity. Following the teachings of our leader Karl Marx, we will build the ultimate communist community, one body and hundreds, maybe thousands, of brains inside working together to form a super human intellect capable of curing disease, stopping all war, and ruling the world with a benevolent fist. We will take a wife, a woman of uncommon beauty and intellect, who is, as yet, still an infant herself. We see a photo of another infant, this one with a ribbon in her hair. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) Her name is Floris Horatia Hannibella DeMent. LOTTE Does Floris know that she's the chosen? LESTER Well, I tried to explain it to her, but... Lester points to his ear and shrugs. CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine lie naked on the bed, looking quite relaxed. MAXINE You still there, sweets? MALKOVICH Yeah. I've figured out how to hold on as long as I want. Oddly enough, it's all in the wrists. MAXINE Wow. (little girl pout) Do a puppet show for me, Craig honey. MALKOVICH You mean with Malkovich? MAXINE I'd love to see your work. MALKOVICH (pleased) Really? Yeah. Okay. Malkovich leans over and kisses her, then gets up. MALKOVICH (CONT'D) I'll do something I call "Craig's Dance of Despair and Disillusionment." Malkovich performs the same dance that the Craig pupper did at the beginning of the film. It is exactly the same, complete with impossible somersaults and perspiring brow. He finishes by falling to his knees and weeping. MAXINE (moved) That was incredible. You're brilliant! MALKOVICH You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing with dolls. MAXINE You're right, my darling, it's so much more. It's playing with people! Malkovich kisses Maxine. She snuggles close to him. MAXINE Stay in him forever? MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, screaming) No! (as Craig, calmly) But how will we make a living, my love, if our clientele doesn't have access to our product? MAXINE Well, we'll have all the money in Malkovich's bank account, plus he still gets acting work occasionally. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, breaking through) No! Please! (as Craig, to Malkovich) Shut up, will you? We're trying to think here. (to Maxine) It is sort of like being a puppeteer. I like that about it. MAXINE No one would ever have to know its not him. MALKOVICH (an idea) Wait a minute! What if everybody knew? What if we presented Malkovich as the world's most complicated puppet and me as the only puppeteer sophisticated enough to work him? We'd wipe the floor with the Great Mantini! MAXINE Oh, Craiggy, that's brilliant! CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S SHRINE ROOM - NIGHT The worshippers are assembled. Lotte stands before them. LOTTE I have sinned, unwittingly, against the community. And for this I am truly sorry. MAN #2 W-w-what's it like on the inside? LOTTE Oh, it's glorious. It's indescribable. MAN #2 Oooh, I wanna go. I wanna go. I say it's time. LESTER Perhaps you're right, Terry. We're all prepared, and perhaps this Schwartz fellow is forcing our hand a bit. We will enter the portal tonight! Everyone cheers. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich are furiously filling the portal with cement. Suddenly Malkovich stops and runs to the office door screaming a bloodcurdling scream. He stops just as suddenly, begins to strangle himself. MALKOVICH (Craig to Malkovich) Shut up! (to Maxine) Sorry, dear, I lost control for a minute. MAXINE (kissing him) It's okay, my sweet. They go back to filling the portal. There is the sound of many shuffling feet in the hallway. The door flies open and the Malkovichians led by Lester and Lotte burst in. Malkovich and Maxine turn with a start. LESTER Aaaahhhh, the portal! LOTTE (to Malkovich) You bastard! Lotte lunges for Malkovich. Lester grabs her arm, holds her back. LESTER No! Don't harm the vessel! LOTTE It's Craig in there, I can tell. LESTER I understand, but we must protect the vessel at all costs. (to Malkovich) Please, Craig, please step aside and allow us to have what is rightfully ours. CRAIG Squatter's rights, Lester. Craig laughs somewhat maniacally. Maxine slips her arm through Craig's, joins him in his laughter, and glances triumphantly over at Lotte. MAXINE Now excuse us, we have an entertainment legend to create. LESTER (to the cult members) Clear the way for them, my friends. They will be dealt with in due time. The Malkovichians grumble and let Malkovich and Maxine exit. LESTER (CONT'D) Now, let's see what we can do to salvage this portal... for the sake of all that is good. The Malkovichians converge on the sealed portal, and begin clawing desperately at the quick-drying cement. Fingers are scraped raw, and we see smears of blood and skin on the rough gray surface. CUT TO: INT. AGENT'S OFFICE - DAY A slick-looking agent answers a buzzing phone. AGENT Of course, send him right in. Don't ever keep him waiting again. Do you understand? Malkovich and Maxine enter. The agent stands, holds out his hand. AGENT (CONT'D) John! Great to see you! Sorry about the cunt at reception. MALKOVICH This is my fiancee Maxine. The agent shakes Maxine's hand. AGENT Great to see you, Maxine. Sorry about the cunt at reception. Please have a seat. Malkovich and Maxine sit. AGENT (CONT'D) Can I get you anything? Coffee? Water? MAXINE No thanks. AGENT (into phone) Teresa, get me a chicken soup. (to Malkovich and Maxine) Chicken soup? Maxine and Malkovich shake their heads "no." MALKOVICH I'll get right to the point, Larry. I'm a puppet now... AGENT Okay. MALKOVICH I'm being controlled by the world's greatest puppeteer, Craig Schwartz... AGENT (no clue) Oh yeah, he's good. MALKOVICH ... and I want to show off his skills by performing a one-puppet extravaganza in Reno. MAXINE Vegas. MALKOVICH Vegas. Can you arrange that? AGENT Sure, sure. Just let me

such

How many times the word 'such' appears in the text?

CRAIG What's that? LOTTE (beat) Us, of course. Craig looks up from his packing. He and Lotte stare at each other for a long while. CRAIG (tenderly) Oh, Lot... They hug. CRAIG (CONT'D) What about Maxine? LOTTE Fuck Maxine. CRAIG We wish. They look at each other and laugh, them fall back into the embrace. They both get faraway looks in their eyes. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S GARAGE - NIGHT The clock reads 3:00 AM. Craig, in his pajamas, is working the Craig and Maxine puppets. They make love on the bare puppet stage. Craig seems possessed. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS The phone rings. Maxine sleepily picks it up. MAXINE Yes? LOTTE (O.S.) I have to see you. Can you call him and invite us over? MAXINE When? LOTTE (O.S.) Give me one hour to get inside him Exactly. Maxine checks her alarm clock. The time is 3:11 AM. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S CAR - NIGHT Lotte drives. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - A BIT LATER The doorbell rings. Maxine, in a sheer black nightgown, answers it. John Malkovich stands there. MAXINE Thanks so much for coming over. MALKOVICH Oh, I'm really glad you called. Maxine gestures for him to enter. As Malkovich passes by her, she checks the wall clock. The time is 3:50. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lotte sits on the floor in the dark. She leans, out of breath, against the wall next to the portal and checks her watch. The time is 4:10. She pulls open the door. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich sit a bit awkwardly next to each other on the couch. MAXINE So, do you enjoy being an actor? MALKOVICH Oh sure. It's very rewarding... The digital clock on the VCR clicks over to 4:11 AM. Maxine's look softens, and she kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. He seems surprised, but quickly warms to it. We shift top Malkovich's POV as Maxine begins to unbutton Malkovich's shirt. LOTTE (V.O.) Oh my darling. Oh my sweetheart. MAXINE I love you, Lotte. LOTTE (V.O.) Maxine... MALKOVICH (stopping) I'm sorry, did you just call me "Lotte"? MAXINE Do you mind? MALKOVICH (thinking) No, I guess not. I'm an actor. They get back to it. MAXINE Oh, my sweet, beautiful Lotte. MALKOVICH (thinks he's playing along) Yes, Maxine, yes. LOTTE (V.O.) This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT A sweaty and spent Craig sneaks back into the bedroom. He sees that the bed is empty. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT With a gasp and a wail of release, Lotte pops into the ditch. She is soaking wet and breathes heavily. She just lies there. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S KITCHEN - MORNING Craig is hunched over a cup of coffee. The front door can be heard to open. After a moment Lotte appears in the kitchen doorway. She is caked with dirt. Craig looks up at her. CRAIG You were him last night, weren't you? LOTTE (quietly) Yes. CRAIG And he was with her. LOTTE We love her, Craig. I'm sorry. CRAIG We? LOTTE Me and John. CRAIG Don't forget me. LOTTE Well, you have the Maxine action figure to play with. Craig looks down at his coffee. LOTTE (CONT'D) I'm sorry. That was nasty. CRAIG Life is confusing, isn't it? LOTTE Sometimes we're forced to make hard decisions. (beat) I'd like for us to stay together, Craig. You know, platonically, if that's possible. I truly value our friendship. CRAIG I feel that somehow my parents never prepared me to make this particular decision. Not that I blame them. How could they know? Today's world is so complicated. (beat) No. I have to go away now. I'm sorry, Lotte. I'm so sorry. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - MORNING Craig enters with red-rimmed eyes. Maxine sits at her desk, actually looking kind of radiant. MAXINE You're late. CRAIG Are you torturing me on purpose? MAXINE (matter of fact) I've fallen in love. CRAIG I don't think so. I've fallen in love. This is what people who've fallen in love look like. MAXINE You picked the unrequited variety. Very bad for the skin. CRAIG You're evil, Maxine. MAXINE Do you have any idea what its like to have two people look at you with total lust and devotion through the same pair of eyes? No I don't suppose you would. It's quite a thrill, Craig. Craig turns and walks out the door. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY 7 1/2 FLOOR - CONTINUOUS Craig hurries past a long line of fat people, all looking eager, all clutching cash. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - MORNING Lester sits at his desk. The intercom buzzes. LESTER (depressing switch) Yes, my dear? FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Someone names A Lot of Warts on line two. LESTER Thank you, Floris. FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Think, Jew florist? LESTER (pressing line 2) Good morning, Lotte! LOTTE (O.S.) Dr. Lester, everything's falling apart. CUT TO: INT. GUN SHOP - MORNING Craig is at the counter buying a pistol. CUT TO: INT. JUICY-JUICE JUICE BAR - MORNING Lester and Lotte sit at a table. They both have really large glasses of carrot juice in front of them. LOTTE I blew it, Dr. Lester. LESTER You followed your heart, my child, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. LOTTE But now we've lost access to Craig. LESTER (laughs) My child, I don't think its a great mystery what Craig's up to. CUT TO: CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY Craig stands still and tense, with gun in hand. We hear the front door unlock. Lotte enters. She does not see Craig. He grabs her from behind as she passes. Lotte screams. Craig holds the gun to her head. LOTTE I'm your Goddamn wife. Once you vowed to cherish me forever. Now you hold a gun to my head? CRAIG Yeah, well welcome to the nineties. LOTTE Suck my dick! CRAIG (slapping her) Shut up! Lotte is stunned. She feels the muzzle against her forehead. She shuts up. Keeping the gun trained on Lotte, Craig dials the phone. He hands the receiver to her. He holds his ear to the receiver also. CRAIG (CONT'D) Tell her you need to see her. LOTTE (to Craig) You bastard. Craig cocks the pistol. MAXINE (V.O.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone else can be. LOTTE (looking at Craig) I have to see you. MAXINE (V.O.) Sweetie! Oh, but we can't. It's business hours. I need to keep the membranous tunnel open for paying customers. CRAIG (sotto) Tell her, what the hell, close early today, live dangerously. LOTTE What the hell, darling. Close early today, live dangerously. MAXINE (V.O.) Oooh, doll. I love this new devil-may-care side of you. Alrighty, I'll track down Lover-boy, and I'll see both of you in one hour. Exactamundo. Maxine hangs up. Lotte hands the phone to Craig, who hangs it up. Craig opens up the big cage where Elijah is housed, and motions with the gun for Lotte to enter. LOTTE (screaming) Help! He's locking me in a cage! Craig slaps Lotte hard. She looks at him, almost sadly. NEIGHBOR Shut up! PARROT Shut up! CRAIG Lesson number one: Be careful what you teach your parrot. Craig tapes Lotte's mouth, ties her hands and feet. Elijah watches him tie her. He becomes somewhat agitated, and holds his stomach. CUT TO: INT. BROADHURST THEATER - DAY Malkovich is rehearsing some business on stage. Maxine watches from the house. She anxiously checks her watch, then points to it so Malkovich can see. MALKOVICH Tommy, can I take fifteen? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on the make-up table, against the mirror. MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Oh, sweetie... We now watch the scene from Malkovich's POV. MALKOVICH Maxine... CRAIG (V.O.) I can't believe it. This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - DAY Craig is toweling himself off, hurriedly combing his hair. Maxine enters. CRAIG You're glowing again. MAXINE A girl has a right to glow if she wants. It's in the fucking constitution. Maxine sits. Craig smiles to himself. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING Craig is feeding the various caged animals. He puts two plates of food in Elijah's cage. Lotte is ungagged and unbound now. She eats as Craig slumps down next to the cage, gun in hand. CRAIG It was lovely being you being Malkovich, my dear. I'd never seen the passionate side of sweet Maxine before, or her actual tits for that matter. If only, I've been thinking to myself, if only I could actually feel what Malkovich feels, rather than just see what he sees... And then, dare I say it, if only I could control his arms, his legs, his pelvis, and make them do my bidding. LOTTE It'll never happen, fuckface. CRAIG Ah, but you're forgetting one thing, Lambchop. LOTTE What's that? CRAIG I'm a puppeteer. Craig picks up the phone and dials. He smiles as he holds the receiver up to Lotte's face. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on Maxine's couch. MAXINE Lotte, this is so good... CRAIG (V.O.) (tense, commanding) Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Malkovich clumsily, awkwardly moves his hand across Maxine's breast. CRAIG (V.O.) (CONT'D) Holy shit, yes! MALKOVICH Holy shit, yes! CRAIG (V.O.) Holy shit! He said what I said! MALKOVICH Holy shit! He said what I said! MAXINE Lotte? Is that you? CRAIG (V.O.) Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! MALKOVICH Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! (scared) What the fuck is going on? I'm not talking. This is not me! MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Maxine kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. There is a sucking sound. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT There is a pop and Craig lands in the ditch. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT A panicked Malkovich is pulling on his clothes. MALKOVICH Something was making me talk. Some Goddamn thing was making me move. I gotta get out of here. MAXINE Oh, Dollface, it was just your passion for me taking hold. MALKOVICH No, Dollface, I know what my passion taking hold feels like. I gotta go. He leaves. Maxine falls back on the couch and sighs contentedly. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT A wet, mess Craig sits next to Lotte's cage. Lotte is bound and gagged. CRAIG I did it, sweetie. I moved his arm across your girlfriend's glorious tit. I made him talk. And, oh, there was the beginning of sensation in the fingertips. Ummmm-mmmm! It's just a matter of practice before Malkovich becomes nothing more than another puppet hanging next to my worktable. Coffee? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich paces nervously, a glass of whisky in his hand. Kevin Bacon sits on the couch and fiddles with a Rubic's Cube. MALKOVICH It's like nothing I've ever felt before. I think I'm going crazy. KEVIN BACON I'm sure you're not going crazy. MALKOVICH Kevin, I'm telling you... it was like nothing I've... KEVIN BACON Yeah yeah yeah. Yadda yadda yadda. Were you stoned? MALKOVICH Yes, but you see, someone else was talking through my mouth. KEVIN BACON You were stoned. Case closed. End of story. How hot is this babe? MALKOVICH I think it might've been this Lotte woman talking through me. Maxine likes to call me Lotte. KEVIN BACON Ouch. Now that's hot. She's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover. Let me know when you're done with her. This is my type of chick. MALKOVICH I'm done with her now. Tonight really creeped me out. KEVIN BACON You're crazy to let go of a chick who calls you Lotte. I tell you that as a friend. MALKOVICH I don't know anything about her. What if she's some sort of witch or something? KEVIN BACON All the better. Hey, Hot Lesbian Witches, next Geraldo, buddy boy. Ha ha ha. MALKOVICH I gotta know the truth, Kevin. KEVIN BACON The truth is for suckers, Johnny-Boy. CUT TO: EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING Malkovich, in a baseball cap and sunglasses, leans against the wall. After a moment, Maxine emerges from the building and walks down the block. Malkovich follows at a safe distance. CUT TO: INT. 7 1/2 FLOOR - MORNING The elevator doors are pried open. It's packed. Maxine and a few other people climb out. The last to emerge is Malkovich. He is astounded by the dimensions of the floor. He turns the corner and sees the long line of crouching fat people. Maxine goes into the office and closes the door. Maxine sees "J.M. Inc." stenciled on the office door. He turns to the first fat man and line. MALKOVICH Excuse me, what type of service does this company provide? FAT MAN You get to be John Malkovich for fifteen minutes. Two hundred clams. MALKOVICH (quietly flipped) I see. FAT MAN No cutting, by the way. Malkovich pounds on the door. FAT MAN (CONT'D) No cutting! Several fat people jump on Malkovich, and start beating him. Craig steps out of the office. CRAIG Hey! Break it up! Break it up! Everybody gets a chance to be... The fat people climb off Malkovich. His glasses and cap have been knocked off and everyone recognizes him. FAT MAN It's him! Oh, we're so sorry Mr. Malkovich! I hope me and my associates from Overeaters Anonymous didn't hurt you too terribly. MALKOVICH (to Craig) Inside. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Craig and Malkovich enter. Maxine looks up, startled, but controlling it. MAXINE Darling! MALKOVICH What the fuck is going on? CRAIG Mr. Malkovich, my name is Craig Schwartz. I can explain. We operate a little business her that... simulates, for our clientele, the experience of... being you, actually. MALKOVICH Simulates? CRAIG Sure, after a fashion. MALKOVICH Let me try. CRAIG You? Why I'm sure it would pale in comparison to the actual experience. MALKOVICH Let me try! MAXINE Let him try. CRAIG Of course, right this way, Mr. Malkovich. Compliments of the house. Craig ushers Malkovich to the portal door, opens it. MALKOVICH (repulsed by the slime) Jesus. Malkovich climbs in. The door closes. CRAIG What happens when a man climbs through his own portal? MAXINE (shrugs) How the hell would I know? I wasn't a philosophy major. CUT TO: INT. MEMBRANOUS TUNNEL - DAY Malkovich crawls through. It's murky. He's tense. Suddenly there is a slurping sound. CUT TO: PSYCHEDELIC MONTAGE We see Malkovich hurtling through different environments. It's scary: giant toads, swirling eddies of garish, colored lights, naked old people pointing and laughing, black velvet clown paintings. CUT TO: INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT Malkovich pops into a chair in a swakn night club. He's wearing a tuxedo. The woman across the table from him is also Malkovich, but in a gown. He looks around the restaurant. Everyone is Malkovich in different clothes. Malkovich is panicked. The girl Malkovich across the table looks at him seductively, winks and talks. GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich looks confused. The Malkovich waiter approaches, pen and pad in hand, ready to take their orders. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich? GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich. (Turning to Malkovich) Malkovich? Malkovich looks down at the menu. Every item is "Malkovich." He screams: MALKOVICH Malkovich! The waiter jots it down on his pad. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich. Malkovich pushes himself away from the table and runs for the exit. He passes the stage where a girl singer Malkovich is singin sensuously into the microphone. She is backed by a '40's style big band of Malkoviches. SINGING MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich flies through the back door. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - DAY Malkovich lands with a thud in the ditch. Craig is waiting there with his van. On its side is painted "See The World in Malk-O-Vision" followed by a phone number. Malkovich is huddled and shivering and soaking wet. CRAIG So how was it? MALKOVICH That... was... no... simulation. CRAIG I know. I'm sorry... MALKOVICH I have been to the dark side. I have seen a world that no man should ever see. CRAIG Really? For most people it's a rather pleasant experience. What exactly did you... MALKOVICH This portal is mine and must be sealed up forever. For the love of God. CRAIG With all respect, sir, I discovered that portal. Its my livelihood. MALKOVICH It's my head, Schwartz, and I'll see you in court! Malkovich trudges off along the shoulder of the turnpike. CRAIG (calling after him) And who's to say I won't be seeing what you're seeing... in court? Cars whiz by Malkovich. Someone yells from a passing car. MOTORIST Hey, Malkovich! Think fast! Malkovich looks up. A beer can comes flying out of the car and hits him on the head. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Craig is feeding the animals. His gun is stuck in his pants. He gets to Lotte's cage. She is bound but ungagged. She looks haggard. LOTTE Once this was a relationship based on love. Now you have me in a cage with a monkey and a gun to my head. CRAIG Things change. Anyway, you gave up your claim to that love the first time you stuck your dick in Maxine. LOTTE You fell in love with her first. CRAIG Yeah but I didn't do anything about it. Out of respect for our marriage. LOTTE You didn't do anything about it out of respect for the fact that she wouldn't let you near her with a ten foot pole, which is, by the way, about nine feet, nine inches off the mark anyway. CRAIG (beat) That's true. Oh, God, Lotte, what have I become? My wife in a cage with a monkey. A gun in my hand. Betrayal in my heart. LOTTE Maybe this is what you've always been, Craig, you just never faced it before. CRAIG Perhaps you're right. I can't let you go though. Too much has happened. You're my ace in the hole. LOTTE I need a shower. CRAIG I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry. I'm some kind of monster. I'm the guy you read about in the paper and go, "he's some kind of monster." LOTTE You're not a monster, Craig. Just a confused man. CRAIG I love you so much. She dials her phone, opens her cage, puts phone to her ear. CRAIG (CONT'D) But I gotta go now. I've got to go be Johnny. MAXINE (O.S.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone... LOTTE We have to meet. MAXINE One hour. Craig hangs up, tapes Lotte's mouth. CRAIG I'll tell you all about it when I get home. Craig exits. Lotte fiddles with the ropes on her hands Elijah, slumped in the corner of the cage, blankly watches her moving hands. Suddenly his eyes narrow. Something is going on in his brain. We move slowly into his eyes. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. JUNGLE - DAY It is a memory: blurry and overexposed, the color washed out. We see a weathered wooden sign which reads "Africa." The sound of running feet, huffing frantic breathing. We watch from up in a tree (Elijah's POV) as two men in safari suits chase a couple of chimps across the jungle floor. The chimps are screaming as the safari men tackle them and tie them up. The safari men laugh. SAFARI MAN Well, there monkeys ain't going nowhere. Let's get us a couple a brews 'fore the boss comes back... The safari men leave the chimps on the ground. We descend from the trees to the ground next to the bound chimps. One of the chimps looks at the camera. He grunts and squeals. CHIMP ONE (DUBBED VOICE) Son, untie your mother and me! Quickly! Before the great bald chimp-men return. A small pair of chimp hands enter into the frame and struggle to untie the ropes, but to no avail. Chimp two speaks. CHIMP TWO (DUBBED VOICE) Hurry, Elijah! SAFARI MAN Why you little bastard! Elijah is wrestled to the ground amidst much screaming. DISSOLVE TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - DAY Elijah shakes off the memory and looks determinedly at the ropes on Lotte's hands. He attempts to untie the knot. He works furiously and succeeds. Lotte pulls the tape from her mouth. LOTTE Oh, Elijah, you are magnificent! Elijah beams and screams for ecstatic joy. Lotte unlocks the cage, and dials the phone. LOTTE Maxine! Listen: It hasn't been me in John the last three times. Craig's had me locked up in the apartment. He made me call you at gunpoint. It's been him! Oh, God, it's been him! MAXINE (O.S.) (beat, calmly) Really? Well, you know, he's quite good. I'm surprised. Anyway, I have a session with Malkovich I have to attend. I'll speak with you soon. LOTTE But Maxine, I thought it was me you loved. MAXINE (O.S.) I thought so too, doll. I guess we were mistaken. Maxine hangs up. Lotte, visibly shaken, dials the phone. LOTTE Hello, Dr. Lester? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT The doorbell rings. Malkovich answers it. Maxine stands there, dressed in an evening gown. MALKOVICH Come on in. MAXINE I can explain about the portal, darling. MALKOVICH Don't con me, Maxine. We're over. I just let you up here to tell you that, and to tell you that I'm taking you and Schwartz to court. MAXINE Oh shut up. (beat) Craig, darling are you in there? Malkovich tenses up, then shakes his head in an awkward, puppet-like manner. When Malkovich speaks, it seems to be against him will. MALKOVICH Yes. How did you know it was me? MAXINE Lotte called me. MALKOVICH Oh, so the bitch escaped. MAXINE Apparently you can control this Malkovich fellow now. MALKOVICH I'm getting better all the time. MAXINE I'll say you are. Let's do it on his kitchen table, then make him eat an omelette off of it. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich) No... damn... you... (as Craig) Oh shut up, you overrated sack of shit. Malkovich begins undressing, and does a lewd bump and grind while looking mortified. Maxine giggles. Malkovich (Craig) laughs wildly. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lester's hand is in a bloody bandage. The juicer sits on hi desk. Lotte sits across from him looking nervous and hollow-eyed. LESTER You know I think it pays to leave juice-making to the trained professionals. You look terrible, my dear. LOTTE Craig stole Maxine from me, Dr. Lester. LESTER Hmmm, a lesbian, are you? I must inform you that I find that highly arousing. LOTTE No, you don't understand. I've been inside Malkovich when I'm with Maxine... LESTER (slaps Lotte furiously) What?! That is not allowed. My God, you are supposed to be one of us. You know you must never partake of Malkovich by yourself! LOTTE No, I didn't know that. LESTER Oh, didn't anyone show you the indoctrination video? LOTTE No. LESTER Oh, sorry. Right this way. CUT TO: INT. SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT Lotte site next to Lester in the darkened auditorium. The projector whirs. The screen lights up. TITLE: SO YOU WANT TO BE JOHN MALKOVICH A much younger Lester addresses the camera in this black and white film, which seems to have been made in the 50's. LESTER ON FILM Welcome, my fellow Malkovichians. As you may already know, today a baby was born into this sad world. We see a shot of a newborn. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) His name is John Horatio Hannibal Malkovich. And we are the keepers of the door to his soul. One day, when his brain is big enough, we will all journey into his head and live there for all eternity. Following the teachings of our leader Karl Marx, we will build the ultimate communist community, one body and hundreds, maybe thousands, of brains inside working together to form a super human intellect capable of curing disease, stopping all war, and ruling the world with a benevolent fist. We will take a wife, a woman of uncommon beauty and intellect, who is, as yet, still an infant herself. We see a photo of another infant, this one with a ribbon in her hair. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) Her name is Floris Horatia Hannibella DeMent. LOTTE Does Floris know that she's the chosen? LESTER Well, I tried to explain it to her, but... Lester points to his ear and shrugs. CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine lie naked on the bed, looking quite relaxed. MAXINE You still there, sweets? MALKOVICH Yeah. I've figured out how to hold on as long as I want. Oddly enough, it's all in the wrists. MAXINE Wow. (little girl pout) Do a puppet show for me, Craig honey. MALKOVICH You mean with Malkovich? MAXINE I'd love to see your work. MALKOVICH (pleased) Really? Yeah. Okay. Malkovich leans over and kisses her, then gets up. MALKOVICH (CONT'D) I'll do something I call "Craig's Dance of Despair and Disillusionment." Malkovich performs the same dance that the Craig pupper did at the beginning of the film. It is exactly the same, complete with impossible somersaults and perspiring brow. He finishes by falling to his knees and weeping. MAXINE (moved) That was incredible. You're brilliant! MALKOVICH You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing with dolls. MAXINE You're right, my darling, it's so much more. It's playing with people! Malkovich kisses Maxine. She snuggles close to him. MAXINE Stay in him forever? MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, screaming) No! (as Craig, calmly) But how will we make a living, my love, if our clientele doesn't have access to our product? MAXINE Well, we'll have all the money in Malkovich's bank account, plus he still gets acting work occasionally. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, breaking through) No! Please! (as Craig, to Malkovich) Shut up, will you? We're trying to think here. (to Maxine) It is sort of like being a puppeteer. I like that about it. MAXINE No one would ever have to know its not him. MALKOVICH (an idea) Wait a minute! What if everybody knew? What if we presented Malkovich as the world's most complicated puppet and me as the only puppeteer sophisticated enough to work him? We'd wipe the floor with the Great Mantini! MAXINE Oh, Craiggy, that's brilliant! CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S SHRINE ROOM - NIGHT The worshippers are assembled. Lotte stands before them. LOTTE I have sinned, unwittingly, against the community. And for this I am truly sorry. MAN #2 W-w-what's it like on the inside? LOTTE Oh, it's glorious. It's indescribable. MAN #2 Oooh, I wanna go. I wanna go. I say it's time. LESTER Perhaps you're right, Terry. We're all prepared, and perhaps this Schwartz fellow is forcing our hand a bit. We will enter the portal tonight! Everyone cheers. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich are furiously filling the portal with cement. Suddenly Malkovich stops and runs to the office door screaming a bloodcurdling scream. He stops just as suddenly, begins to strangle himself. MALKOVICH (Craig to Malkovich) Shut up! (to Maxine) Sorry, dear, I lost control for a minute. MAXINE (kissing him) It's okay, my sweet. They go back to filling the portal. There is the sound of many shuffling feet in the hallway. The door flies open and the Malkovichians led by Lester and Lotte burst in. Malkovich and Maxine turn with a start. LESTER Aaaahhhh, the portal! LOTTE (to Malkovich) You bastard! Lotte lunges for Malkovich. Lester grabs her arm, holds her back. LESTER No! Don't harm the vessel! LOTTE It's Craig in there, I can tell. LESTER I understand, but we must protect the vessel at all costs. (to Malkovich) Please, Craig, please step aside and allow us to have what is rightfully ours. CRAIG Squatter's rights, Lester. Craig laughs somewhat maniacally. Maxine slips her arm through Craig's, joins him in his laughter, and glances triumphantly over at Lotte. MAXINE Now excuse us, we have an entertainment legend to create. LESTER (to the cult members) Clear the way for them, my friends. They will be dealt with in due time. The Malkovichians grumble and let Malkovich and Maxine exit. LESTER (CONT'D) Now, let's see what we can do to salvage this portal... for the sake of all that is good. The Malkovichians converge on the sealed portal, and begin clawing desperately at the quick-drying cement. Fingers are scraped raw, and we see smears of blood and skin on the rough gray surface. CUT TO: INT. AGENT'S OFFICE - DAY A slick-looking agent answers a buzzing phone. AGENT Of course, send him right in. Don't ever keep him waiting again. Do you understand? Malkovich and Maxine enter. The agent stands, holds out his hand. AGENT (CONT'D) John! Great to see you! Sorry about the cunt at reception. MALKOVICH This is my fiancee Maxine. The agent shakes Maxine's hand. AGENT Great to see you, Maxine. Sorry about the cunt at reception. Please have a seat. Malkovich and Maxine sit. AGENT (CONT'D) Can I get you anything? Coffee? Water? MAXINE No thanks. AGENT (into phone) Teresa, get me a chicken soup. (to Malkovich and Maxine) Chicken soup? Maxine and Malkovich shake their heads "no." MALKOVICH I'll get right to the point, Larry. I'm a puppet now... AGENT Okay. MALKOVICH I'm being controlled by the world's greatest puppeteer, Craig Schwartz... AGENT (no clue) Oh yeah, he's good. MALKOVICH ... and I want to show off his skills by performing a one-puppet extravaganza in Reno. MAXINE Vegas. MALKOVICH Vegas. Can you arrange that? AGENT Sure, sure. Just let me

expected

How many times the word 'expected' appears in the text?

CRAIG What's that? LOTTE (beat) Us, of course. Craig looks up from his packing. He and Lotte stare at each other for a long while. CRAIG (tenderly) Oh, Lot... They hug. CRAIG (CONT'D) What about Maxine? LOTTE Fuck Maxine. CRAIG We wish. They look at each other and laugh, them fall back into the embrace. They both get faraway looks in their eyes. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S GARAGE - NIGHT The clock reads 3:00 AM. Craig, in his pajamas, is working the Craig and Maxine puppets. They make love on the bare puppet stage. Craig seems possessed. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS The phone rings. Maxine sleepily picks it up. MAXINE Yes? LOTTE (O.S.) I have to see you. Can you call him and invite us over? MAXINE When? LOTTE (O.S.) Give me one hour to get inside him Exactly. Maxine checks her alarm clock. The time is 3:11 AM. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S CAR - NIGHT Lotte drives. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - A BIT LATER The doorbell rings. Maxine, in a sheer black nightgown, answers it. John Malkovich stands there. MAXINE Thanks so much for coming over. MALKOVICH Oh, I'm really glad you called. Maxine gestures for him to enter. As Malkovich passes by her, she checks the wall clock. The time is 3:50. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lotte sits on the floor in the dark. She leans, out of breath, against the wall next to the portal and checks her watch. The time is 4:10. She pulls open the door. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich sit a bit awkwardly next to each other on the couch. MAXINE So, do you enjoy being an actor? MALKOVICH Oh sure. It's very rewarding... The digital clock on the VCR clicks over to 4:11 AM. Maxine's look softens, and she kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. He seems surprised, but quickly warms to it. We shift top Malkovich's POV as Maxine begins to unbutton Malkovich's shirt. LOTTE (V.O.) Oh my darling. Oh my sweetheart. MAXINE I love you, Lotte. LOTTE (V.O.) Maxine... MALKOVICH (stopping) I'm sorry, did you just call me "Lotte"? MAXINE Do you mind? MALKOVICH (thinking) No, I guess not. I'm an actor. They get back to it. MAXINE Oh, my sweet, beautiful Lotte. MALKOVICH (thinks he's playing along) Yes, Maxine, yes. LOTTE (V.O.) This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT A sweaty and spent Craig sneaks back into the bedroom. He sees that the bed is empty. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT With a gasp and a wail of release, Lotte pops into the ditch. She is soaking wet and breathes heavily. She just lies there. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S KITCHEN - MORNING Craig is hunched over a cup of coffee. The front door can be heard to open. After a moment Lotte appears in the kitchen doorway. She is caked with dirt. Craig looks up at her. CRAIG You were him last night, weren't you? LOTTE (quietly) Yes. CRAIG And he was with her. LOTTE We love her, Craig. I'm sorry. CRAIG We? LOTTE Me and John. CRAIG Don't forget me. LOTTE Well, you have the Maxine action figure to play with. Craig looks down at his coffee. LOTTE (CONT'D) I'm sorry. That was nasty. CRAIG Life is confusing, isn't it? LOTTE Sometimes we're forced to make hard decisions. (beat) I'd like for us to stay together, Craig. You know, platonically, if that's possible. I truly value our friendship. CRAIG I feel that somehow my parents never prepared me to make this particular decision. Not that I blame them. How could they know? Today's world is so complicated. (beat) No. I have to go away now. I'm sorry, Lotte. I'm so sorry. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - MORNING Craig enters with red-rimmed eyes. Maxine sits at her desk, actually looking kind of radiant. MAXINE You're late. CRAIG Are you torturing me on purpose? MAXINE (matter of fact) I've fallen in love. CRAIG I don't think so. I've fallen in love. This is what people who've fallen in love look like. MAXINE You picked the unrequited variety. Very bad for the skin. CRAIG You're evil, Maxine. MAXINE Do you have any idea what its like to have two people look at you with total lust and devotion through the same pair of eyes? No I don't suppose you would. It's quite a thrill, Craig. Craig turns and walks out the door. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY 7 1/2 FLOOR - CONTINUOUS Craig hurries past a long line of fat people, all looking eager, all clutching cash. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - MORNING Lester sits at his desk. The intercom buzzes. LESTER (depressing switch) Yes, my dear? FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Someone names A Lot of Warts on line two. LESTER Thank you, Floris. FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Think, Jew florist? LESTER (pressing line 2) Good morning, Lotte! LOTTE (O.S.) Dr. Lester, everything's falling apart. CUT TO: INT. GUN SHOP - MORNING Craig is at the counter buying a pistol. CUT TO: INT. JUICY-JUICE JUICE BAR - MORNING Lester and Lotte sit at a table. They both have really large glasses of carrot juice in front of them. LOTTE I blew it, Dr. Lester. LESTER You followed your heart, my child, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. LOTTE But now we've lost access to Craig. LESTER (laughs) My child, I don't think its a great mystery what Craig's up to. CUT TO: CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY Craig stands still and tense, with gun in hand. We hear the front door unlock. Lotte enters. She does not see Craig. He grabs her from behind as she passes. Lotte screams. Craig holds the gun to her head. LOTTE I'm your Goddamn wife. Once you vowed to cherish me forever. Now you hold a gun to my head? CRAIG Yeah, well welcome to the nineties. LOTTE Suck my dick! CRAIG (slapping her) Shut up! Lotte is stunned. She feels the muzzle against her forehead. She shuts up. Keeping the gun trained on Lotte, Craig dials the phone. He hands the receiver to her. He holds his ear to the receiver also. CRAIG (CONT'D) Tell her you need to see her. LOTTE (to Craig) You bastard. Craig cocks the pistol. MAXINE (V.O.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone else can be. LOTTE (looking at Craig) I have to see you. MAXINE (V.O.) Sweetie! Oh, but we can't. It's business hours. I need to keep the membranous tunnel open for paying customers. CRAIG (sotto) Tell her, what the hell, close early today, live dangerously. LOTTE What the hell, darling. Close early today, live dangerously. MAXINE (V.O.) Oooh, doll. I love this new devil-may-care side of you. Alrighty, I'll track down Lover-boy, and I'll see both of you in one hour. Exactamundo. Maxine hangs up. Lotte hands the phone to Craig, who hangs it up. Craig opens up the big cage where Elijah is housed, and motions with the gun for Lotte to enter. LOTTE (screaming) Help! He's locking me in a cage! Craig slaps Lotte hard. She looks at him, almost sadly. NEIGHBOR Shut up! PARROT Shut up! CRAIG Lesson number one: Be careful what you teach your parrot. Craig tapes Lotte's mouth, ties her hands and feet. Elijah watches him tie her. He becomes somewhat agitated, and holds his stomach. CUT TO: INT. BROADHURST THEATER - DAY Malkovich is rehearsing some business on stage. Maxine watches from the house. She anxiously checks her watch, then points to it so Malkovich can see. MALKOVICH Tommy, can I take fifteen? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on the make-up table, against the mirror. MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Oh, sweetie... We now watch the scene from Malkovich's POV. MALKOVICH Maxine... CRAIG (V.O.) I can't believe it. This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - DAY Craig is toweling himself off, hurriedly combing his hair. Maxine enters. CRAIG You're glowing again. MAXINE A girl has a right to glow if she wants. It's in the fucking constitution. Maxine sits. Craig smiles to himself. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING Craig is feeding the various caged animals. He puts two plates of food in Elijah's cage. Lotte is ungagged and unbound now. She eats as Craig slumps down next to the cage, gun in hand. CRAIG It was lovely being you being Malkovich, my dear. I'd never seen the passionate side of sweet Maxine before, or her actual tits for that matter. If only, I've been thinking to myself, if only I could actually feel what Malkovich feels, rather than just see what he sees... And then, dare I say it, if only I could control his arms, his legs, his pelvis, and make them do my bidding. LOTTE It'll never happen, fuckface. CRAIG Ah, but you're forgetting one thing, Lambchop. LOTTE What's that? CRAIG I'm a puppeteer. Craig picks up the phone and dials. He smiles as he holds the receiver up to Lotte's face. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on Maxine's couch. MAXINE Lotte, this is so good... CRAIG (V.O.) (tense, commanding) Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Malkovich clumsily, awkwardly moves his hand across Maxine's breast. CRAIG (V.O.) (CONT'D) Holy shit, yes! MALKOVICH Holy shit, yes! CRAIG (V.O.) Holy shit! He said what I said! MALKOVICH Holy shit! He said what I said! MAXINE Lotte? Is that you? CRAIG (V.O.) Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! MALKOVICH Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! (scared) What the fuck is going on? I'm not talking. This is not me! MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Maxine kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. There is a sucking sound. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT There is a pop and Craig lands in the ditch. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT A panicked Malkovich is pulling on his clothes. MALKOVICH Something was making me talk. Some Goddamn thing was making me move. I gotta get out of here. MAXINE Oh, Dollface, it was just your passion for me taking hold. MALKOVICH No, Dollface, I know what my passion taking hold feels like. I gotta go. He leaves. Maxine falls back on the couch and sighs contentedly. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT A wet, mess Craig sits next to Lotte's cage. Lotte is bound and gagged. CRAIG I did it, sweetie. I moved his arm across your girlfriend's glorious tit. I made him talk. And, oh, there was the beginning of sensation in the fingertips. Ummmm-mmmm! It's just a matter of practice before Malkovich becomes nothing more than another puppet hanging next to my worktable. Coffee? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich paces nervously, a glass of whisky in his hand. Kevin Bacon sits on the couch and fiddles with a Rubic's Cube. MALKOVICH It's like nothing I've ever felt before. I think I'm going crazy. KEVIN BACON I'm sure you're not going crazy. MALKOVICH Kevin, I'm telling you... it was like nothing I've... KEVIN BACON Yeah yeah yeah. Yadda yadda yadda. Were you stoned? MALKOVICH Yes, but you see, someone else was talking through my mouth. KEVIN BACON You were stoned. Case closed. End of story. How hot is this babe? MALKOVICH I think it might've been this Lotte woman talking through me. Maxine likes to call me Lotte. KEVIN BACON Ouch. Now that's hot. She's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover. Let me know when you're done with her. This is my type of chick. MALKOVICH I'm done with her now. Tonight really creeped me out. KEVIN BACON You're crazy to let go of a chick who calls you Lotte. I tell you that as a friend. MALKOVICH I don't know anything about her. What if she's some sort of witch or something? KEVIN BACON All the better. Hey, Hot Lesbian Witches, next Geraldo, buddy boy. Ha ha ha. MALKOVICH I gotta know the truth, Kevin. KEVIN BACON The truth is for suckers, Johnny-Boy. CUT TO: EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING Malkovich, in a baseball cap and sunglasses, leans against the wall. After a moment, Maxine emerges from the building and walks down the block. Malkovich follows at a safe distance. CUT TO: INT. 7 1/2 FLOOR - MORNING The elevator doors are pried open. It's packed. Maxine and a few other people climb out. The last to emerge is Malkovich. He is astounded by the dimensions of the floor. He turns the corner and sees the long line of crouching fat people. Maxine goes into the office and closes the door. Maxine sees "J.M. Inc." stenciled on the office door. He turns to the first fat man and line. MALKOVICH Excuse me, what type of service does this company provide? FAT MAN You get to be John Malkovich for fifteen minutes. Two hundred clams. MALKOVICH (quietly flipped) I see. FAT MAN No cutting, by the way. Malkovich pounds on the door. FAT MAN (CONT'D) No cutting! Several fat people jump on Malkovich, and start beating him. Craig steps out of the office. CRAIG Hey! Break it up! Break it up! Everybody gets a chance to be... The fat people climb off Malkovich. His glasses and cap have been knocked off and everyone recognizes him. FAT MAN It's him! Oh, we're so sorry Mr. Malkovich! I hope me and my associates from Overeaters Anonymous didn't hurt you too terribly. MALKOVICH (to Craig) Inside. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Craig and Malkovich enter. Maxine looks up, startled, but controlling it. MAXINE Darling! MALKOVICH What the fuck is going on? CRAIG Mr. Malkovich, my name is Craig Schwartz. I can explain. We operate a little business her that... simulates, for our clientele, the experience of... being you, actually. MALKOVICH Simulates? CRAIG Sure, after a fashion. MALKOVICH Let me try. CRAIG You? Why I'm sure it would pale in comparison to the actual experience. MALKOVICH Let me try! MAXINE Let him try. CRAIG Of course, right this way, Mr. Malkovich. Compliments of the house. Craig ushers Malkovich to the portal door, opens it. MALKOVICH (repulsed by the slime) Jesus. Malkovich climbs in. The door closes. CRAIG What happens when a man climbs through his own portal? MAXINE (shrugs) How the hell would I know? I wasn't a philosophy major. CUT TO: INT. MEMBRANOUS TUNNEL - DAY Malkovich crawls through. It's murky. He's tense. Suddenly there is a slurping sound. CUT TO: PSYCHEDELIC MONTAGE We see Malkovich hurtling through different environments. It's scary: giant toads, swirling eddies of garish, colored lights, naked old people pointing and laughing, black velvet clown paintings. CUT TO: INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT Malkovich pops into a chair in a swakn night club. He's wearing a tuxedo. The woman across the table from him is also Malkovich, but in a gown. He looks around the restaurant. Everyone is Malkovich in different clothes. Malkovich is panicked. The girl Malkovich across the table looks at him seductively, winks and talks. GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich looks confused. The Malkovich waiter approaches, pen and pad in hand, ready to take their orders. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich? GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich. (Turning to Malkovich) Malkovich? Malkovich looks down at the menu. Every item is "Malkovich." He screams: MALKOVICH Malkovich! The waiter jots it down on his pad. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich. Malkovich pushes himself away from the table and runs for the exit. He passes the stage where a girl singer Malkovich is singin sensuously into the microphone. She is backed by a '40's style big band of Malkoviches. SINGING MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich flies through the back door. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - DAY Malkovich lands with a thud in the ditch. Craig is waiting there with his van. On its side is painted "See The World in Malk-O-Vision" followed by a phone number. Malkovich is huddled and shivering and soaking wet. CRAIG So how was it? MALKOVICH That... was... no... simulation. CRAIG I know. I'm sorry... MALKOVICH I have been to the dark side. I have seen a world that no man should ever see. CRAIG Really? For most people it's a rather pleasant experience. What exactly did you... MALKOVICH This portal is mine and must be sealed up forever. For the love of God. CRAIG With all respect, sir, I discovered that portal. Its my livelihood. MALKOVICH It's my head, Schwartz, and I'll see you in court! Malkovich trudges off along the shoulder of the turnpike. CRAIG (calling after him) And who's to say I won't be seeing what you're seeing... in court? Cars whiz by Malkovich. Someone yells from a passing car. MOTORIST Hey, Malkovich! Think fast! Malkovich looks up. A beer can comes flying out of the car and hits him on the head. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Craig is feeding the animals. His gun is stuck in his pants. He gets to Lotte's cage. She is bound but ungagged. She looks haggard. LOTTE Once this was a relationship based on love. Now you have me in a cage with a monkey and a gun to my head. CRAIG Things change. Anyway, you gave up your claim to that love the first time you stuck your dick in Maxine. LOTTE You fell in love with her first. CRAIG Yeah but I didn't do anything about it. Out of respect for our marriage. LOTTE You didn't do anything about it out of respect for the fact that she wouldn't let you near her with a ten foot pole, which is, by the way, about nine feet, nine inches off the mark anyway. CRAIG (beat) That's true. Oh, God, Lotte, what have I become? My wife in a cage with a monkey. A gun in my hand. Betrayal in my heart. LOTTE Maybe this is what you've always been, Craig, you just never faced it before. CRAIG Perhaps you're right. I can't let you go though. Too much has happened. You're my ace in the hole. LOTTE I need a shower. CRAIG I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry. I'm some kind of monster. I'm the guy you read about in the paper and go, "he's some kind of monster." LOTTE You're not a monster, Craig. Just a confused man. CRAIG I love you so much. She dials her phone, opens her cage, puts phone to her ear. CRAIG (CONT'D) But I gotta go now. I've got to go be Johnny. MAXINE (O.S.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone... LOTTE We have to meet. MAXINE One hour. Craig hangs up, tapes Lotte's mouth. CRAIG I'll tell you all about it when I get home. Craig exits. Lotte fiddles with the ropes on her hands Elijah, slumped in the corner of the cage, blankly watches her moving hands. Suddenly his eyes narrow. Something is going on in his brain. We move slowly into his eyes. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. JUNGLE - DAY It is a memory: blurry and overexposed, the color washed out. We see a weathered wooden sign which reads "Africa." The sound of running feet, huffing frantic breathing. We watch from up in a tree (Elijah's POV) as two men in safari suits chase a couple of chimps across the jungle floor. The chimps are screaming as the safari men tackle them and tie them up. The safari men laugh. SAFARI MAN Well, there monkeys ain't going nowhere. Let's get us a couple a brews 'fore the boss comes back... The safari men leave the chimps on the ground. We descend from the trees to the ground next to the bound chimps. One of the chimps looks at the camera. He grunts and squeals. CHIMP ONE (DUBBED VOICE) Son, untie your mother and me! Quickly! Before the great bald chimp-men return. A small pair of chimp hands enter into the frame and struggle to untie the ropes, but to no avail. Chimp two speaks. CHIMP TWO (DUBBED VOICE) Hurry, Elijah! SAFARI MAN Why you little bastard! Elijah is wrestled to the ground amidst much screaming. DISSOLVE TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - DAY Elijah shakes off the memory and looks determinedly at the ropes on Lotte's hands. He attempts to untie the knot. He works furiously and succeeds. Lotte pulls the tape from her mouth. LOTTE Oh, Elijah, you are magnificent! Elijah beams and screams for ecstatic joy. Lotte unlocks the cage, and dials the phone. LOTTE Maxine! Listen: It hasn't been me in John the last three times. Craig's had me locked up in the apartment. He made me call you at gunpoint. It's been him! Oh, God, it's been him! MAXINE (O.S.) (beat, calmly) Really? Well, you know, he's quite good. I'm surprised. Anyway, I have a session with Malkovich I have to attend. I'll speak with you soon. LOTTE But Maxine, I thought it was me you loved. MAXINE (O.S.) I thought so too, doll. I guess we were mistaken. Maxine hangs up. Lotte, visibly shaken, dials the phone. LOTTE Hello, Dr. Lester? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT The doorbell rings. Malkovich answers it. Maxine stands there, dressed in an evening gown. MALKOVICH Come on in. MAXINE I can explain about the portal, darling. MALKOVICH Don't con me, Maxine. We're over. I just let you up here to tell you that, and to tell you that I'm taking you and Schwartz to court. MAXINE Oh shut up. (beat) Craig, darling are you in there? Malkovich tenses up, then shakes his head in an awkward, puppet-like manner. When Malkovich speaks, it seems to be against him will. MALKOVICH Yes. How did you know it was me? MAXINE Lotte called me. MALKOVICH Oh, so the bitch escaped. MAXINE Apparently you can control this Malkovich fellow now. MALKOVICH I'm getting better all the time. MAXINE I'll say you are. Let's do it on his kitchen table, then make him eat an omelette off of it. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich) No... damn... you... (as Craig) Oh shut up, you overrated sack of shit. Malkovich begins undressing, and does a lewd bump and grind while looking mortified. Maxine giggles. Malkovich (Craig) laughs wildly. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lester's hand is in a bloody bandage. The juicer sits on hi desk. Lotte sits across from him looking nervous and hollow-eyed. LESTER You know I think it pays to leave juice-making to the trained professionals. You look terrible, my dear. LOTTE Craig stole Maxine from me, Dr. Lester. LESTER Hmmm, a lesbian, are you? I must inform you that I find that highly arousing. LOTTE No, you don't understand. I've been inside Malkovich when I'm with Maxine... LESTER (slaps Lotte furiously) What?! That is not allowed. My God, you are supposed to be one of us. You know you must never partake of Malkovich by yourself! LOTTE No, I didn't know that. LESTER Oh, didn't anyone show you the indoctrination video? LOTTE No. LESTER Oh, sorry. Right this way. CUT TO: INT. SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT Lotte site next to Lester in the darkened auditorium. The projector whirs. The screen lights up. TITLE: SO YOU WANT TO BE JOHN MALKOVICH A much younger Lester addresses the camera in this black and white film, which seems to have been made in the 50's. LESTER ON FILM Welcome, my fellow Malkovichians. As you may already know, today a baby was born into this sad world. We see a shot of a newborn. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) His name is John Horatio Hannibal Malkovich. And we are the keepers of the door to his soul. One day, when his brain is big enough, we will all journey into his head and live there for all eternity. Following the teachings of our leader Karl Marx, we will build the ultimate communist community, one body and hundreds, maybe thousands, of brains inside working together to form a super human intellect capable of curing disease, stopping all war, and ruling the world with a benevolent fist. We will take a wife, a woman of uncommon beauty and intellect, who is, as yet, still an infant herself. We see a photo of another infant, this one with a ribbon in her hair. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) Her name is Floris Horatia Hannibella DeMent. LOTTE Does Floris know that she's the chosen? LESTER Well, I tried to explain it to her, but... Lester points to his ear and shrugs. CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine lie naked on the bed, looking quite relaxed. MAXINE You still there, sweets? MALKOVICH Yeah. I've figured out how to hold on as long as I want. Oddly enough, it's all in the wrists. MAXINE Wow. (little girl pout) Do a puppet show for me, Craig honey. MALKOVICH You mean with Malkovich? MAXINE I'd love to see your work. MALKOVICH (pleased) Really? Yeah. Okay. Malkovich leans over and kisses her, then gets up. MALKOVICH (CONT'D) I'll do something I call "Craig's Dance of Despair and Disillusionment." Malkovich performs the same dance that the Craig pupper did at the beginning of the film. It is exactly the same, complete with impossible somersaults and perspiring brow. He finishes by falling to his knees and weeping. MAXINE (moved) That was incredible. You're brilliant! MALKOVICH You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing with dolls. MAXINE You're right, my darling, it's so much more. It's playing with people! Malkovich kisses Maxine. She snuggles close to him. MAXINE Stay in him forever? MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, screaming) No! (as Craig, calmly) But how will we make a living, my love, if our clientele doesn't have access to our product? MAXINE Well, we'll have all the money in Malkovich's bank account, plus he still gets acting work occasionally. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, breaking through) No! Please! (as Craig, to Malkovich) Shut up, will you? We're trying to think here. (to Maxine) It is sort of like being a puppeteer. I like that about it. MAXINE No one would ever have to know its not him. MALKOVICH (an idea) Wait a minute! What if everybody knew? What if we presented Malkovich as the world's most complicated puppet and me as the only puppeteer sophisticated enough to work him? We'd wipe the floor with the Great Mantini! MAXINE Oh, Craiggy, that's brilliant! CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S SHRINE ROOM - NIGHT The worshippers are assembled. Lotte stands before them. LOTTE I have sinned, unwittingly, against the community. And for this I am truly sorry. MAN #2 W-w-what's it like on the inside? LOTTE Oh, it's glorious. It's indescribable. MAN #2 Oooh, I wanna go. I wanna go. I say it's time. LESTER Perhaps you're right, Terry. We're all prepared, and perhaps this Schwartz fellow is forcing our hand a bit. We will enter the portal tonight! Everyone cheers. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich are furiously filling the portal with cement. Suddenly Malkovich stops and runs to the office door screaming a bloodcurdling scream. He stops just as suddenly, begins to strangle himself. MALKOVICH (Craig to Malkovich) Shut up! (to Maxine) Sorry, dear, I lost control for a minute. MAXINE (kissing him) It's okay, my sweet. They go back to filling the portal. There is the sound of many shuffling feet in the hallway. The door flies open and the Malkovichians led by Lester and Lotte burst in. Malkovich and Maxine turn with a start. LESTER Aaaahhhh, the portal! LOTTE (to Malkovich) You bastard! Lotte lunges for Malkovich. Lester grabs her arm, holds her back. LESTER No! Don't harm the vessel! LOTTE It's Craig in there, I can tell. LESTER I understand, but we must protect the vessel at all costs. (to Malkovich) Please, Craig, please step aside and allow us to have what is rightfully ours. CRAIG Squatter's rights, Lester. Craig laughs somewhat maniacally. Maxine slips her arm through Craig's, joins him in his laughter, and glances triumphantly over at Lotte. MAXINE Now excuse us, we have an entertainment legend to create. LESTER (to the cult members) Clear the way for them, my friends. They will be dealt with in due time. The Malkovichians grumble and let Malkovich and Maxine exit. LESTER (CONT'D) Now, let's see what we can do to salvage this portal... for the sake of all that is good. The Malkovichians converge on the sealed portal, and begin clawing desperately at the quick-drying cement. Fingers are scraped raw, and we see smears of blood and skin on the rough gray surface. CUT TO: INT. AGENT'S OFFICE - DAY A slick-looking agent answers a buzzing phone. AGENT Of course, send him right in. Don't ever keep him waiting again. Do you understand? Malkovich and Maxine enter. The agent stands, holds out his hand. AGENT (CONT'D) John! Great to see you! Sorry about the cunt at reception. MALKOVICH This is my fiancee Maxine. The agent shakes Maxine's hand. AGENT Great to see you, Maxine. Sorry about the cunt at reception. Please have a seat. Malkovich and Maxine sit. AGENT (CONT'D) Can I get you anything? Coffee? Water? MAXINE No thanks. AGENT (into phone) Teresa, get me a chicken soup. (to Malkovich and Maxine) Chicken soup? Maxine and Malkovich shake their heads "no." MALKOVICH I'll get right to the point, Larry. I'm a puppet now... AGENT Okay. MALKOVICH I'm being controlled by the world's greatest puppeteer, Craig Schwartz... AGENT (no clue) Oh yeah, he's good. MALKOVICH ... and I want to show off his skills by performing a one-puppet extravaganza in Reno. MAXINE Vegas. MALKOVICH Vegas. Can you arrange that? AGENT Sure, sure. Just let me

savings

How many times the word 'savings' appears in the text?

CRAIG What's that? LOTTE (beat) Us, of course. Craig looks up from his packing. He and Lotte stare at each other for a long while. CRAIG (tenderly) Oh, Lot... They hug. CRAIG (CONT'D) What about Maxine? LOTTE Fuck Maxine. CRAIG We wish. They look at each other and laugh, them fall back into the embrace. They both get faraway looks in their eyes. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S GARAGE - NIGHT The clock reads 3:00 AM. Craig, in his pajamas, is working the Craig and Maxine puppets. They make love on the bare puppet stage. Craig seems possessed. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS The phone rings. Maxine sleepily picks it up. MAXINE Yes? LOTTE (O.S.) I have to see you. Can you call him and invite us over? MAXINE When? LOTTE (O.S.) Give me one hour to get inside him Exactly. Maxine checks her alarm clock. The time is 3:11 AM. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S CAR - NIGHT Lotte drives. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - A BIT LATER The doorbell rings. Maxine, in a sheer black nightgown, answers it. John Malkovich stands there. MAXINE Thanks so much for coming over. MALKOVICH Oh, I'm really glad you called. Maxine gestures for him to enter. As Malkovich passes by her, she checks the wall clock. The time is 3:50. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lotte sits on the floor in the dark. She leans, out of breath, against the wall next to the portal and checks her watch. The time is 4:10. She pulls open the door. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich sit a bit awkwardly next to each other on the couch. MAXINE So, do you enjoy being an actor? MALKOVICH Oh sure. It's very rewarding... The digital clock on the VCR clicks over to 4:11 AM. Maxine's look softens, and she kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. He seems surprised, but quickly warms to it. We shift top Malkovich's POV as Maxine begins to unbutton Malkovich's shirt. LOTTE (V.O.) Oh my darling. Oh my sweetheart. MAXINE I love you, Lotte. LOTTE (V.O.) Maxine... MALKOVICH (stopping) I'm sorry, did you just call me "Lotte"? MAXINE Do you mind? MALKOVICH (thinking) No, I guess not. I'm an actor. They get back to it. MAXINE Oh, my sweet, beautiful Lotte. MALKOVICH (thinks he's playing along) Yes, Maxine, yes. LOTTE (V.O.) This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT A sweaty and spent Craig sneaks back into the bedroom. He sees that the bed is empty. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT With a gasp and a wail of release, Lotte pops into the ditch. She is soaking wet and breathes heavily. She just lies there. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S KITCHEN - MORNING Craig is hunched over a cup of coffee. The front door can be heard to open. After a moment Lotte appears in the kitchen doorway. She is caked with dirt. Craig looks up at her. CRAIG You were him last night, weren't you? LOTTE (quietly) Yes. CRAIG And he was with her. LOTTE We love her, Craig. I'm sorry. CRAIG We? LOTTE Me and John. CRAIG Don't forget me. LOTTE Well, you have the Maxine action figure to play with. Craig looks down at his coffee. LOTTE (CONT'D) I'm sorry. That was nasty. CRAIG Life is confusing, isn't it? LOTTE Sometimes we're forced to make hard decisions. (beat) I'd like for us to stay together, Craig. You know, platonically, if that's possible. I truly value our friendship. CRAIG I feel that somehow my parents never prepared me to make this particular decision. Not that I blame them. How could they know? Today's world is so complicated. (beat) No. I have to go away now. I'm sorry, Lotte. I'm so sorry. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - MORNING Craig enters with red-rimmed eyes. Maxine sits at her desk, actually looking kind of radiant. MAXINE You're late. CRAIG Are you torturing me on purpose? MAXINE (matter of fact) I've fallen in love. CRAIG I don't think so. I've fallen in love. This is what people who've fallen in love look like. MAXINE You picked the unrequited variety. Very bad for the skin. CRAIG You're evil, Maxine. MAXINE Do you have any idea what its like to have two people look at you with total lust and devotion through the same pair of eyes? No I don't suppose you would. It's quite a thrill, Craig. Craig turns and walks out the door. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY 7 1/2 FLOOR - CONTINUOUS Craig hurries past a long line of fat people, all looking eager, all clutching cash. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - MORNING Lester sits at his desk. The intercom buzzes. LESTER (depressing switch) Yes, my dear? FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Someone names A Lot of Warts on line two. LESTER Thank you, Floris. FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Think, Jew florist? LESTER (pressing line 2) Good morning, Lotte! LOTTE (O.S.) Dr. Lester, everything's falling apart. CUT TO: INT. GUN SHOP - MORNING Craig is at the counter buying a pistol. CUT TO: INT. JUICY-JUICE JUICE BAR - MORNING Lester and Lotte sit at a table. They both have really large glasses of carrot juice in front of them. LOTTE I blew it, Dr. Lester. LESTER You followed your heart, my child, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. LOTTE But now we've lost access to Craig. LESTER (laughs) My child, I don't think its a great mystery what Craig's up to. CUT TO: CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY Craig stands still and tense, with gun in hand. We hear the front door unlock. Lotte enters. She does not see Craig. He grabs her from behind as she passes. Lotte screams. Craig holds the gun to her head. LOTTE I'm your Goddamn wife. Once you vowed to cherish me forever. Now you hold a gun to my head? CRAIG Yeah, well welcome to the nineties. LOTTE Suck my dick! CRAIG (slapping her) Shut up! Lotte is stunned. She feels the muzzle against her forehead. She shuts up. Keeping the gun trained on Lotte, Craig dials the phone. He hands the receiver to her. He holds his ear to the receiver also. CRAIG (CONT'D) Tell her you need to see her. LOTTE (to Craig) You bastard. Craig cocks the pistol. MAXINE (V.O.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone else can be. LOTTE (looking at Craig) I have to see you. MAXINE (V.O.) Sweetie! Oh, but we can't. It's business hours. I need to keep the membranous tunnel open for paying customers. CRAIG (sotto) Tell her, what the hell, close early today, live dangerously. LOTTE What the hell, darling. Close early today, live dangerously. MAXINE (V.O.) Oooh, doll. I love this new devil-may-care side of you. Alrighty, I'll track down Lover-boy, and I'll see both of you in one hour. Exactamundo. Maxine hangs up. Lotte hands the phone to Craig, who hangs it up. Craig opens up the big cage where Elijah is housed, and motions with the gun for Lotte to enter. LOTTE (screaming) Help! He's locking me in a cage! Craig slaps Lotte hard. She looks at him, almost sadly. NEIGHBOR Shut up! PARROT Shut up! CRAIG Lesson number one: Be careful what you teach your parrot. Craig tapes Lotte's mouth, ties her hands and feet. Elijah watches him tie her. He becomes somewhat agitated, and holds his stomach. CUT TO: INT. BROADHURST THEATER - DAY Malkovich is rehearsing some business on stage. Maxine watches from the house. She anxiously checks her watch, then points to it so Malkovich can see. MALKOVICH Tommy, can I take fifteen? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on the make-up table, against the mirror. MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Oh, sweetie... We now watch the scene from Malkovich's POV. MALKOVICH Maxine... CRAIG (V.O.) I can't believe it. This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - DAY Craig is toweling himself off, hurriedly combing his hair. Maxine enters. CRAIG You're glowing again. MAXINE A girl has a right to glow if she wants. It's in the fucking constitution. Maxine sits. Craig smiles to himself. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING Craig is feeding the various caged animals. He puts two plates of food in Elijah's cage. Lotte is ungagged and unbound now. She eats as Craig slumps down next to the cage, gun in hand. CRAIG It was lovely being you being Malkovich, my dear. I'd never seen the passionate side of sweet Maxine before, or her actual tits for that matter. If only, I've been thinking to myself, if only I could actually feel what Malkovich feels, rather than just see what he sees... And then, dare I say it, if only I could control his arms, his legs, his pelvis, and make them do my bidding. LOTTE It'll never happen, fuckface. CRAIG Ah, but you're forgetting one thing, Lambchop. LOTTE What's that? CRAIG I'm a puppeteer. Craig picks up the phone and dials. He smiles as he holds the receiver up to Lotte's face. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on Maxine's couch. MAXINE Lotte, this is so good... CRAIG (V.O.) (tense, commanding) Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Malkovich clumsily, awkwardly moves his hand across Maxine's breast. CRAIG (V.O.) (CONT'D) Holy shit, yes! MALKOVICH Holy shit, yes! CRAIG (V.O.) Holy shit! He said what I said! MALKOVICH Holy shit! He said what I said! MAXINE Lotte? Is that you? CRAIG (V.O.) Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! MALKOVICH Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! (scared) What the fuck is going on? I'm not talking. This is not me! MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Maxine kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. There is a sucking sound. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT There is a pop and Craig lands in the ditch. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT A panicked Malkovich is pulling on his clothes. MALKOVICH Something was making me talk. Some Goddamn thing was making me move. I gotta get out of here. MAXINE Oh, Dollface, it was just your passion for me taking hold. MALKOVICH No, Dollface, I know what my passion taking hold feels like. I gotta go. He leaves. Maxine falls back on the couch and sighs contentedly. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT A wet, mess Craig sits next to Lotte's cage. Lotte is bound and gagged. CRAIG I did it, sweetie. I moved his arm across your girlfriend's glorious tit. I made him talk. And, oh, there was the beginning of sensation in the fingertips. Ummmm-mmmm! It's just a matter of practice before Malkovich becomes nothing more than another puppet hanging next to my worktable. Coffee? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich paces nervously, a glass of whisky in his hand. Kevin Bacon sits on the couch and fiddles with a Rubic's Cube. MALKOVICH It's like nothing I've ever felt before. I think I'm going crazy. KEVIN BACON I'm sure you're not going crazy. MALKOVICH Kevin, I'm telling you... it was like nothing I've... KEVIN BACON Yeah yeah yeah. Yadda yadda yadda. Were you stoned? MALKOVICH Yes, but you see, someone else was talking through my mouth. KEVIN BACON You were stoned. Case closed. End of story. How hot is this babe? MALKOVICH I think it might've been this Lotte woman talking through me. Maxine likes to call me Lotte. KEVIN BACON Ouch. Now that's hot. She's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover. Let me know when you're done with her. This is my type of chick. MALKOVICH I'm done with her now. Tonight really creeped me out. KEVIN BACON You're crazy to let go of a chick who calls you Lotte. I tell you that as a friend. MALKOVICH I don't know anything about her. What if she's some sort of witch or something? KEVIN BACON All the better. Hey, Hot Lesbian Witches, next Geraldo, buddy boy. Ha ha ha. MALKOVICH I gotta know the truth, Kevin. KEVIN BACON The truth is for suckers, Johnny-Boy. CUT TO: EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING Malkovich, in a baseball cap and sunglasses, leans against the wall. After a moment, Maxine emerges from the building and walks down the block. Malkovich follows at a safe distance. CUT TO: INT. 7 1/2 FLOOR - MORNING The elevator doors are pried open. It's packed. Maxine and a few other people climb out. The last to emerge is Malkovich. He is astounded by the dimensions of the floor. He turns the corner and sees the long line of crouching fat people. Maxine goes into the office and closes the door. Maxine sees "J.M. Inc." stenciled on the office door. He turns to the first fat man and line. MALKOVICH Excuse me, what type of service does this company provide? FAT MAN You get to be John Malkovich for fifteen minutes. Two hundred clams. MALKOVICH (quietly flipped) I see. FAT MAN No cutting, by the way. Malkovich pounds on the door. FAT MAN (CONT'D) No cutting! Several fat people jump on Malkovich, and start beating him. Craig steps out of the office. CRAIG Hey! Break it up! Break it up! Everybody gets a chance to be... The fat people climb off Malkovich. His glasses and cap have been knocked off and everyone recognizes him. FAT MAN It's him! Oh, we're so sorry Mr. Malkovich! I hope me and my associates from Overeaters Anonymous didn't hurt you too terribly. MALKOVICH (to Craig) Inside. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Craig and Malkovich enter. Maxine looks up, startled, but controlling it. MAXINE Darling! MALKOVICH What the fuck is going on? CRAIG Mr. Malkovich, my name is Craig Schwartz. I can explain. We operate a little business her that... simulates, for our clientele, the experience of... being you, actually. MALKOVICH Simulates? CRAIG Sure, after a fashion. MALKOVICH Let me try. CRAIG You? Why I'm sure it would pale in comparison to the actual experience. MALKOVICH Let me try! MAXINE Let him try. CRAIG Of course, right this way, Mr. Malkovich. Compliments of the house. Craig ushers Malkovich to the portal door, opens it. MALKOVICH (repulsed by the slime) Jesus. Malkovich climbs in. The door closes. CRAIG What happens when a man climbs through his own portal? MAXINE (shrugs) How the hell would I know? I wasn't a philosophy major. CUT TO: INT. MEMBRANOUS TUNNEL - DAY Malkovich crawls through. It's murky. He's tense. Suddenly there is a slurping sound. CUT TO: PSYCHEDELIC MONTAGE We see Malkovich hurtling through different environments. It's scary: giant toads, swirling eddies of garish, colored lights, naked old people pointing and laughing, black velvet clown paintings. CUT TO: INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT Malkovich pops into a chair in a swakn night club. He's wearing a tuxedo. The woman across the table from him is also Malkovich, but in a gown. He looks around the restaurant. Everyone is Malkovich in different clothes. Malkovich is panicked. The girl Malkovich across the table looks at him seductively, winks and talks. GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich looks confused. The Malkovich waiter approaches, pen and pad in hand, ready to take their orders. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich? GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich. (Turning to Malkovich) Malkovich? Malkovich looks down at the menu. Every item is "Malkovich." He screams: MALKOVICH Malkovich! The waiter jots it down on his pad. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich. Malkovich pushes himself away from the table and runs for the exit. He passes the stage where a girl singer Malkovich is singin sensuously into the microphone. She is backed by a '40's style big band of Malkoviches. SINGING MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich flies through the back door. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - DAY Malkovich lands with a thud in the ditch. Craig is waiting there with his van. On its side is painted "See The World in Malk-O-Vision" followed by a phone number. Malkovich is huddled and shivering and soaking wet. CRAIG So how was it? MALKOVICH That... was... no... simulation. CRAIG I know. I'm sorry... MALKOVICH I have been to the dark side. I have seen a world that no man should ever see. CRAIG Really? For most people it's a rather pleasant experience. What exactly did you... MALKOVICH This portal is mine and must be sealed up forever. For the love of God. CRAIG With all respect, sir, I discovered that portal. Its my livelihood. MALKOVICH It's my head, Schwartz, and I'll see you in court! Malkovich trudges off along the shoulder of the turnpike. CRAIG (calling after him) And who's to say I won't be seeing what you're seeing... in court? Cars whiz by Malkovich. Someone yells from a passing car. MOTORIST Hey, Malkovich! Think fast! Malkovich looks up. A beer can comes flying out of the car and hits him on the head. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Craig is feeding the animals. His gun is stuck in his pants. He gets to Lotte's cage. She is bound but ungagged. She looks haggard. LOTTE Once this was a relationship based on love. Now you have me in a cage with a monkey and a gun to my head. CRAIG Things change. Anyway, you gave up your claim to that love the first time you stuck your dick in Maxine. LOTTE You fell in love with her first. CRAIG Yeah but I didn't do anything about it. Out of respect for our marriage. LOTTE You didn't do anything about it out of respect for the fact that she wouldn't let you near her with a ten foot pole, which is, by the way, about nine feet, nine inches off the mark anyway. CRAIG (beat) That's true. Oh, God, Lotte, what have I become? My wife in a cage with a monkey. A gun in my hand. Betrayal in my heart. LOTTE Maybe this is what you've always been, Craig, you just never faced it before. CRAIG Perhaps you're right. I can't let you go though. Too much has happened. You're my ace in the hole. LOTTE I need a shower. CRAIG I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry. I'm some kind of monster. I'm the guy you read about in the paper and go, "he's some kind of monster." LOTTE You're not a monster, Craig. Just a confused man. CRAIG I love you so much. She dials her phone, opens her cage, puts phone to her ear. CRAIG (CONT'D) But I gotta go now. I've got to go be Johnny. MAXINE (O.S.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone... LOTTE We have to meet. MAXINE One hour. Craig hangs up, tapes Lotte's mouth. CRAIG I'll tell you all about it when I get home. Craig exits. Lotte fiddles with the ropes on her hands Elijah, slumped in the corner of the cage, blankly watches her moving hands. Suddenly his eyes narrow. Something is going on in his brain. We move slowly into his eyes. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. JUNGLE - DAY It is a memory: blurry and overexposed, the color washed out. We see a weathered wooden sign which reads "Africa." The sound of running feet, huffing frantic breathing. We watch from up in a tree (Elijah's POV) as two men in safari suits chase a couple of chimps across the jungle floor. The chimps are screaming as the safari men tackle them and tie them up. The safari men laugh. SAFARI MAN Well, there monkeys ain't going nowhere. Let's get us a couple a brews 'fore the boss comes back... The safari men leave the chimps on the ground. We descend from the trees to the ground next to the bound chimps. One of the chimps looks at the camera. He grunts and squeals. CHIMP ONE (DUBBED VOICE) Son, untie your mother and me! Quickly! Before the great bald chimp-men return. A small pair of chimp hands enter into the frame and struggle to untie the ropes, but to no avail. Chimp two speaks. CHIMP TWO (DUBBED VOICE) Hurry, Elijah! SAFARI MAN Why you little bastard! Elijah is wrestled to the ground amidst much screaming. DISSOLVE TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - DAY Elijah shakes off the memory and looks determinedly at the ropes on Lotte's hands. He attempts to untie the knot. He works furiously and succeeds. Lotte pulls the tape from her mouth. LOTTE Oh, Elijah, you are magnificent! Elijah beams and screams for ecstatic joy. Lotte unlocks the cage, and dials the phone. LOTTE Maxine! Listen: It hasn't been me in John the last three times. Craig's had me locked up in the apartment. He made me call you at gunpoint. It's been him! Oh, God, it's been him! MAXINE (O.S.) (beat, calmly) Really? Well, you know, he's quite good. I'm surprised. Anyway, I have a session with Malkovich I have to attend. I'll speak with you soon. LOTTE But Maxine, I thought it was me you loved. MAXINE (O.S.) I thought so too, doll. I guess we were mistaken. Maxine hangs up. Lotte, visibly shaken, dials the phone. LOTTE Hello, Dr. Lester? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT The doorbell rings. Malkovich answers it. Maxine stands there, dressed in an evening gown. MALKOVICH Come on in. MAXINE I can explain about the portal, darling. MALKOVICH Don't con me, Maxine. We're over. I just let you up here to tell you that, and to tell you that I'm taking you and Schwartz to court. MAXINE Oh shut up. (beat) Craig, darling are you in there? Malkovich tenses up, then shakes his head in an awkward, puppet-like manner. When Malkovich speaks, it seems to be against him will. MALKOVICH Yes. How did you know it was me? MAXINE Lotte called me. MALKOVICH Oh, so the bitch escaped. MAXINE Apparently you can control this Malkovich fellow now. MALKOVICH I'm getting better all the time. MAXINE I'll say you are. Let's do it on his kitchen table, then make him eat an omelette off of it. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich) No... damn... you... (as Craig) Oh shut up, you overrated sack of shit. Malkovich begins undressing, and does a lewd bump and grind while looking mortified. Maxine giggles. Malkovich (Craig) laughs wildly. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lester's hand is in a bloody bandage. The juicer sits on hi desk. Lotte sits across from him looking nervous and hollow-eyed. LESTER You know I think it pays to leave juice-making to the trained professionals. You look terrible, my dear. LOTTE Craig stole Maxine from me, Dr. Lester. LESTER Hmmm, a lesbian, are you? I must inform you that I find that highly arousing. LOTTE No, you don't understand. I've been inside Malkovich when I'm with Maxine... LESTER (slaps Lotte furiously) What?! That is not allowed. My God, you are supposed to be one of us. You know you must never partake of Malkovich by yourself! LOTTE No, I didn't know that. LESTER Oh, didn't anyone show you the indoctrination video? LOTTE No. LESTER Oh, sorry. Right this way. CUT TO: INT. SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT Lotte site next to Lester in the darkened auditorium. The projector whirs. The screen lights up. TITLE: SO YOU WANT TO BE JOHN MALKOVICH A much younger Lester addresses the camera in this black and white film, which seems to have been made in the 50's. LESTER ON FILM Welcome, my fellow Malkovichians. As you may already know, today a baby was born into this sad world. We see a shot of a newborn. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) His name is John Horatio Hannibal Malkovich. And we are the keepers of the door to his soul. One day, when his brain is big enough, we will all journey into his head and live there for all eternity. Following the teachings of our leader Karl Marx, we will build the ultimate communist community, one body and hundreds, maybe thousands, of brains inside working together to form a super human intellect capable of curing disease, stopping all war, and ruling the world with a benevolent fist. We will take a wife, a woman of uncommon beauty and intellect, who is, as yet, still an infant herself. We see a photo of another infant, this one with a ribbon in her hair. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) Her name is Floris Horatia Hannibella DeMent. LOTTE Does Floris know that she's the chosen? LESTER Well, I tried to explain it to her, but... Lester points to his ear and shrugs. CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine lie naked on the bed, looking quite relaxed. MAXINE You still there, sweets? MALKOVICH Yeah. I've figured out how to hold on as long as I want. Oddly enough, it's all in the wrists. MAXINE Wow. (little girl pout) Do a puppet show for me, Craig honey. MALKOVICH You mean with Malkovich? MAXINE I'd love to see your work. MALKOVICH (pleased) Really? Yeah. Okay. Malkovich leans over and kisses her, then gets up. MALKOVICH (CONT'D) I'll do something I call "Craig's Dance of Despair and Disillusionment." Malkovich performs the same dance that the Craig pupper did at the beginning of the film. It is exactly the same, complete with impossible somersaults and perspiring brow. He finishes by falling to his knees and weeping. MAXINE (moved) That was incredible. You're brilliant! MALKOVICH You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing with dolls. MAXINE You're right, my darling, it's so much more. It's playing with people! Malkovich kisses Maxine. She snuggles close to him. MAXINE Stay in him forever? MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, screaming) No! (as Craig, calmly) But how will we make a living, my love, if our clientele doesn't have access to our product? MAXINE Well, we'll have all the money in Malkovich's bank account, plus he still gets acting work occasionally. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, breaking through) No! Please! (as Craig, to Malkovich) Shut up, will you? We're trying to think here. (to Maxine) It is sort of like being a puppeteer. I like that about it. MAXINE No one would ever have to know its not him. MALKOVICH (an idea) Wait a minute! What if everybody knew? What if we presented Malkovich as the world's most complicated puppet and me as the only puppeteer sophisticated enough to work him? We'd wipe the floor with the Great Mantini! MAXINE Oh, Craiggy, that's brilliant! CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S SHRINE ROOM - NIGHT The worshippers are assembled. Lotte stands before them. LOTTE I have sinned, unwittingly, against the community. And for this I am truly sorry. MAN #2 W-w-what's it like on the inside? LOTTE Oh, it's glorious. It's indescribable. MAN #2 Oooh, I wanna go. I wanna go. I say it's time. LESTER Perhaps you're right, Terry. We're all prepared, and perhaps this Schwartz fellow is forcing our hand a bit. We will enter the portal tonight! Everyone cheers. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich are furiously filling the portal with cement. Suddenly Malkovich stops and runs to the office door screaming a bloodcurdling scream. He stops just as suddenly, begins to strangle himself. MALKOVICH (Craig to Malkovich) Shut up! (to Maxine) Sorry, dear, I lost control for a minute. MAXINE (kissing him) It's okay, my sweet. They go back to filling the portal. There is the sound of many shuffling feet in the hallway. The door flies open and the Malkovichians led by Lester and Lotte burst in. Malkovich and Maxine turn with a start. LESTER Aaaahhhh, the portal! LOTTE (to Malkovich) You bastard! Lotte lunges for Malkovich. Lester grabs her arm, holds her back. LESTER No! Don't harm the vessel! LOTTE It's Craig in there, I can tell. LESTER I understand, but we must protect the vessel at all costs. (to Malkovich) Please, Craig, please step aside and allow us to have what is rightfully ours. CRAIG Squatter's rights, Lester. Craig laughs somewhat maniacally. Maxine slips her arm through Craig's, joins him in his laughter, and glances triumphantly over at Lotte. MAXINE Now excuse us, we have an entertainment legend to create. LESTER (to the cult members) Clear the way for them, my friends. They will be dealt with in due time. The Malkovichians grumble and let Malkovich and Maxine exit. LESTER (CONT'D) Now, let's see what we can do to salvage this portal... for the sake of all that is good. The Malkovichians converge on the sealed portal, and begin clawing desperately at the quick-drying cement. Fingers are scraped raw, and we see smears of blood and skin on the rough gray surface. CUT TO: INT. AGENT'S OFFICE - DAY A slick-looking agent answers a buzzing phone. AGENT Of course, send him right in. Don't ever keep him waiting again. Do you understand? Malkovich and Maxine enter. The agent stands, holds out his hand. AGENT (CONT'D) John! Great to see you! Sorry about the cunt at reception. MALKOVICH This is my fiancee Maxine. The agent shakes Maxine's hand. AGENT Great to see you, Maxine. Sorry about the cunt at reception. Please have a seat. Malkovich and Maxine sit. AGENT (CONT'D) Can I get you anything? Coffee? Water? MAXINE No thanks. AGENT (into phone) Teresa, get me a chicken soup. (to Malkovich and Maxine) Chicken soup? Maxine and Malkovich shake their heads "no." MALKOVICH I'll get right to the point, Larry. I'm a puppet now... AGENT Okay. MALKOVICH I'm being controlled by the world's greatest puppeteer, Craig Schwartz... AGENT (no clue) Oh yeah, he's good. MALKOVICH ... and I want to show off his skills by performing a one-puppet extravaganza in Reno. MAXINE Vegas. MALKOVICH Vegas. Can you arrange that? AGENT Sure, sure. Just let me

sunglasses

How many times the word 'sunglasses' appears in the text?

CRAIG What's that? LOTTE (beat) Us, of course. Craig looks up from his packing. He and Lotte stare at each other for a long while. CRAIG (tenderly) Oh, Lot... They hug. CRAIG (CONT'D) What about Maxine? LOTTE Fuck Maxine. CRAIG We wish. They look at each other and laugh, them fall back into the embrace. They both get faraway looks in their eyes. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S GARAGE - NIGHT The clock reads 3:00 AM. Craig, in his pajamas, is working the Craig and Maxine puppets. They make love on the bare puppet stage. Craig seems possessed. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS The phone rings. Maxine sleepily picks it up. MAXINE Yes? LOTTE (O.S.) I have to see you. Can you call him and invite us over? MAXINE When? LOTTE (O.S.) Give me one hour to get inside him Exactly. Maxine checks her alarm clock. The time is 3:11 AM. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S CAR - NIGHT Lotte drives. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - A BIT LATER The doorbell rings. Maxine, in a sheer black nightgown, answers it. John Malkovich stands there. MAXINE Thanks so much for coming over. MALKOVICH Oh, I'm really glad you called. Maxine gestures for him to enter. As Malkovich passes by her, she checks the wall clock. The time is 3:50. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lotte sits on the floor in the dark. She leans, out of breath, against the wall next to the portal and checks her watch. The time is 4:10. She pulls open the door. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich sit a bit awkwardly next to each other on the couch. MAXINE So, do you enjoy being an actor? MALKOVICH Oh sure. It's very rewarding... The digital clock on the VCR clicks over to 4:11 AM. Maxine's look softens, and she kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. He seems surprised, but quickly warms to it. We shift top Malkovich's POV as Maxine begins to unbutton Malkovich's shirt. LOTTE (V.O.) Oh my darling. Oh my sweetheart. MAXINE I love you, Lotte. LOTTE (V.O.) Maxine... MALKOVICH (stopping) I'm sorry, did you just call me "Lotte"? MAXINE Do you mind? MALKOVICH (thinking) No, I guess not. I'm an actor. They get back to it. MAXINE Oh, my sweet, beautiful Lotte. MALKOVICH (thinks he's playing along) Yes, Maxine, yes. LOTTE (V.O.) This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT A sweaty and spent Craig sneaks back into the bedroom. He sees that the bed is empty. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT With a gasp and a wail of release, Lotte pops into the ditch. She is soaking wet and breathes heavily. She just lies there. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S KITCHEN - MORNING Craig is hunched over a cup of coffee. The front door can be heard to open. After a moment Lotte appears in the kitchen doorway. She is caked with dirt. Craig looks up at her. CRAIG You were him last night, weren't you? LOTTE (quietly) Yes. CRAIG And he was with her. LOTTE We love her, Craig. I'm sorry. CRAIG We? LOTTE Me and John. CRAIG Don't forget me. LOTTE Well, you have the Maxine action figure to play with. Craig looks down at his coffee. LOTTE (CONT'D) I'm sorry. That was nasty. CRAIG Life is confusing, isn't it? LOTTE Sometimes we're forced to make hard decisions. (beat) I'd like for us to stay together, Craig. You know, platonically, if that's possible. I truly value our friendship. CRAIG I feel that somehow my parents never prepared me to make this particular decision. Not that I blame them. How could they know? Today's world is so complicated. (beat) No. I have to go away now. I'm sorry, Lotte. I'm so sorry. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - MORNING Craig enters with red-rimmed eyes. Maxine sits at her desk, actually looking kind of radiant. MAXINE You're late. CRAIG Are you torturing me on purpose? MAXINE (matter of fact) I've fallen in love. CRAIG I don't think so. I've fallen in love. This is what people who've fallen in love look like. MAXINE You picked the unrequited variety. Very bad for the skin. CRAIG You're evil, Maxine. MAXINE Do you have any idea what its like to have two people look at you with total lust and devotion through the same pair of eyes? No I don't suppose you would. It's quite a thrill, Craig. Craig turns and walks out the door. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY 7 1/2 FLOOR - CONTINUOUS Craig hurries past a long line of fat people, all looking eager, all clutching cash. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - MORNING Lester sits at his desk. The intercom buzzes. LESTER (depressing switch) Yes, my dear? FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Someone names A Lot of Warts on line two. LESTER Thank you, Floris. FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Think, Jew florist? LESTER (pressing line 2) Good morning, Lotte! LOTTE (O.S.) Dr. Lester, everything's falling apart. CUT TO: INT. GUN SHOP - MORNING Craig is at the counter buying a pistol. CUT TO: INT. JUICY-JUICE JUICE BAR - MORNING Lester and Lotte sit at a table. They both have really large glasses of carrot juice in front of them. LOTTE I blew it, Dr. Lester. LESTER You followed your heart, my child, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. LOTTE But now we've lost access to Craig. LESTER (laughs) My child, I don't think its a great mystery what Craig's up to. CUT TO: CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY Craig stands still and tense, with gun in hand. We hear the front door unlock. Lotte enters. She does not see Craig. He grabs her from behind as she passes. Lotte screams. Craig holds the gun to her head. LOTTE I'm your Goddamn wife. Once you vowed to cherish me forever. Now you hold a gun to my head? CRAIG Yeah, well welcome to the nineties. LOTTE Suck my dick! CRAIG (slapping her) Shut up! Lotte is stunned. She feels the muzzle against her forehead. She shuts up. Keeping the gun trained on Lotte, Craig dials the phone. He hands the receiver to her. He holds his ear to the receiver also. CRAIG (CONT'D) Tell her you need to see her. LOTTE (to Craig) You bastard. Craig cocks the pistol. MAXINE (V.O.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone else can be. LOTTE (looking at Craig) I have to see you. MAXINE (V.O.) Sweetie! Oh, but we can't. It's business hours. I need to keep the membranous tunnel open for paying customers. CRAIG (sotto) Tell her, what the hell, close early today, live dangerously. LOTTE What the hell, darling. Close early today, live dangerously. MAXINE (V.O.) Oooh, doll. I love this new devil-may-care side of you. Alrighty, I'll track down Lover-boy, and I'll see both of you in one hour. Exactamundo. Maxine hangs up. Lotte hands the phone to Craig, who hangs it up. Craig opens up the big cage where Elijah is housed, and motions with the gun for Lotte to enter. LOTTE (screaming) Help! He's locking me in a cage! Craig slaps Lotte hard. She looks at him, almost sadly. NEIGHBOR Shut up! PARROT Shut up! CRAIG Lesson number one: Be careful what you teach your parrot. Craig tapes Lotte's mouth, ties her hands and feet. Elijah watches him tie her. He becomes somewhat agitated, and holds his stomach. CUT TO: INT. BROADHURST THEATER - DAY Malkovich is rehearsing some business on stage. Maxine watches from the house. She anxiously checks her watch, then points to it so Malkovich can see. MALKOVICH Tommy, can I take fifteen? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on the make-up table, against the mirror. MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Oh, sweetie... We now watch the scene from Malkovich's POV. MALKOVICH Maxine... CRAIG (V.O.) I can't believe it. This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - DAY Craig is toweling himself off, hurriedly combing his hair. Maxine enters. CRAIG You're glowing again. MAXINE A girl has a right to glow if she wants. It's in the fucking constitution. Maxine sits. Craig smiles to himself. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING Craig is feeding the various caged animals. He puts two plates of food in Elijah's cage. Lotte is ungagged and unbound now. She eats as Craig slumps down next to the cage, gun in hand. CRAIG It was lovely being you being Malkovich, my dear. I'd never seen the passionate side of sweet Maxine before, or her actual tits for that matter. If only, I've been thinking to myself, if only I could actually feel what Malkovich feels, rather than just see what he sees... And then, dare I say it, if only I could control his arms, his legs, his pelvis, and make them do my bidding. LOTTE It'll never happen, fuckface. CRAIG Ah, but you're forgetting one thing, Lambchop. LOTTE What's that? CRAIG I'm a puppeteer. Craig picks up the phone and dials. He smiles as he holds the receiver up to Lotte's face. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on Maxine's couch. MAXINE Lotte, this is so good... CRAIG (V.O.) (tense, commanding) Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Malkovich clumsily, awkwardly moves his hand across Maxine's breast. CRAIG (V.O.) (CONT'D) Holy shit, yes! MALKOVICH Holy shit, yes! CRAIG (V.O.) Holy shit! He said what I said! MALKOVICH Holy shit! He said what I said! MAXINE Lotte? Is that you? CRAIG (V.O.) Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! MALKOVICH Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! (scared) What the fuck is going on? I'm not talking. This is not me! MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Maxine kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. There is a sucking sound. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT There is a pop and Craig lands in the ditch. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT A panicked Malkovich is pulling on his clothes. MALKOVICH Something was making me talk. Some Goddamn thing was making me move. I gotta get out of here. MAXINE Oh, Dollface, it was just your passion for me taking hold. MALKOVICH No, Dollface, I know what my passion taking hold feels like. I gotta go. He leaves. Maxine falls back on the couch and sighs contentedly. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT A wet, mess Craig sits next to Lotte's cage. Lotte is bound and gagged. CRAIG I did it, sweetie. I moved his arm across your girlfriend's glorious tit. I made him talk. And, oh, there was the beginning of sensation in the fingertips. Ummmm-mmmm! It's just a matter of practice before Malkovich becomes nothing more than another puppet hanging next to my worktable. Coffee? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich paces nervously, a glass of whisky in his hand. Kevin Bacon sits on the couch and fiddles with a Rubic's Cube. MALKOVICH It's like nothing I've ever felt before. I think I'm going crazy. KEVIN BACON I'm sure you're not going crazy. MALKOVICH Kevin, I'm telling you... it was like nothing I've... KEVIN BACON Yeah yeah yeah. Yadda yadda yadda. Were you stoned? MALKOVICH Yes, but you see, someone else was talking through my mouth. KEVIN BACON You were stoned. Case closed. End of story. How hot is this babe? MALKOVICH I think it might've been this Lotte woman talking through me. Maxine likes to call me Lotte. KEVIN BACON Ouch. Now that's hot. She's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover. Let me know when you're done with her. This is my type of chick. MALKOVICH I'm done with her now. Tonight really creeped me out. KEVIN BACON You're crazy to let go of a chick who calls you Lotte. I tell you that as a friend. MALKOVICH I don't know anything about her. What if she's some sort of witch or something? KEVIN BACON All the better. Hey, Hot Lesbian Witches, next Geraldo, buddy boy. Ha ha ha. MALKOVICH I gotta know the truth, Kevin. KEVIN BACON The truth is for suckers, Johnny-Boy. CUT TO: EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING Malkovich, in a baseball cap and sunglasses, leans against the wall. After a moment, Maxine emerges from the building and walks down the block. Malkovich follows at a safe distance. CUT TO: INT. 7 1/2 FLOOR - MORNING The elevator doors are pried open. It's packed. Maxine and a few other people climb out. The last to emerge is Malkovich. He is astounded by the dimensions of the floor. He turns the corner and sees the long line of crouching fat people. Maxine goes into the office and closes the door. Maxine sees "J.M. Inc." stenciled on the office door. He turns to the first fat man and line. MALKOVICH Excuse me, what type of service does this company provide? FAT MAN You get to be John Malkovich for fifteen minutes. Two hundred clams. MALKOVICH (quietly flipped) I see. FAT MAN No cutting, by the way. Malkovich pounds on the door. FAT MAN (CONT'D) No cutting! Several fat people jump on Malkovich, and start beating him. Craig steps out of the office. CRAIG Hey! Break it up! Break it up! Everybody gets a chance to be... The fat people climb off Malkovich. His glasses and cap have been knocked off and everyone recognizes him. FAT MAN It's him! Oh, we're so sorry Mr. Malkovich! I hope me and my associates from Overeaters Anonymous didn't hurt you too terribly. MALKOVICH (to Craig) Inside. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Craig and Malkovich enter. Maxine looks up, startled, but controlling it. MAXINE Darling! MALKOVICH What the fuck is going on? CRAIG Mr. Malkovich, my name is Craig Schwartz. I can explain. We operate a little business her that... simulates, for our clientele, the experience of... being you, actually. MALKOVICH Simulates? CRAIG Sure, after a fashion. MALKOVICH Let me try. CRAIG You? Why I'm sure it would pale in comparison to the actual experience. MALKOVICH Let me try! MAXINE Let him try. CRAIG Of course, right this way, Mr. Malkovich. Compliments of the house. Craig ushers Malkovich to the portal door, opens it. MALKOVICH (repulsed by the slime) Jesus. Malkovich climbs in. The door closes. CRAIG What happens when a man climbs through his own portal? MAXINE (shrugs) How the hell would I know? I wasn't a philosophy major. CUT TO: INT. MEMBRANOUS TUNNEL - DAY Malkovich crawls through. It's murky. He's tense. Suddenly there is a slurping sound. CUT TO: PSYCHEDELIC MONTAGE We see Malkovich hurtling through different environments. It's scary: giant toads, swirling eddies of garish, colored lights, naked old people pointing and laughing, black velvet clown paintings. CUT TO: INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT Malkovich pops into a chair in a swakn night club. He's wearing a tuxedo. The woman across the table from him is also Malkovich, but in a gown. He looks around the restaurant. Everyone is Malkovich in different clothes. Malkovich is panicked. The girl Malkovich across the table looks at him seductively, winks and talks. GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich looks confused. The Malkovich waiter approaches, pen and pad in hand, ready to take their orders. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich? GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich. (Turning to Malkovich) Malkovich? Malkovich looks down at the menu. Every item is "Malkovich." He screams: MALKOVICH Malkovich! The waiter jots it down on his pad. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich. Malkovich pushes himself away from the table and runs for the exit. He passes the stage where a girl singer Malkovich is singin sensuously into the microphone. She is backed by a '40's style big band of Malkoviches. SINGING MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich flies through the back door. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - DAY Malkovich lands with a thud in the ditch. Craig is waiting there with his van. On its side is painted "See The World in Malk-O-Vision" followed by a phone number. Malkovich is huddled and shivering and soaking wet. CRAIG So how was it? MALKOVICH That... was... no... simulation. CRAIG I know. I'm sorry... MALKOVICH I have been to the dark side. I have seen a world that no man should ever see. CRAIG Really? For most people it's a rather pleasant experience. What exactly did you... MALKOVICH This portal is mine and must be sealed up forever. For the love of God. CRAIG With all respect, sir, I discovered that portal. Its my livelihood. MALKOVICH It's my head, Schwartz, and I'll see you in court! Malkovich trudges off along the shoulder of the turnpike. CRAIG (calling after him) And who's to say I won't be seeing what you're seeing... in court? Cars whiz by Malkovich. Someone yells from a passing car. MOTORIST Hey, Malkovich! Think fast! Malkovich looks up. A beer can comes flying out of the car and hits him on the head. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Craig is feeding the animals. His gun is stuck in his pants. He gets to Lotte's cage. She is bound but ungagged. She looks haggard. LOTTE Once this was a relationship based on love. Now you have me in a cage with a monkey and a gun to my head. CRAIG Things change. Anyway, you gave up your claim to that love the first time you stuck your dick in Maxine. LOTTE You fell in love with her first. CRAIG Yeah but I didn't do anything about it. Out of respect for our marriage. LOTTE You didn't do anything about it out of respect for the fact that she wouldn't let you near her with a ten foot pole, which is, by the way, about nine feet, nine inches off the mark anyway. CRAIG (beat) That's true. Oh, God, Lotte, what have I become? My wife in a cage with a monkey. A gun in my hand. Betrayal in my heart. LOTTE Maybe this is what you've always been, Craig, you just never faced it before. CRAIG Perhaps you're right. I can't let you go though. Too much has happened. You're my ace in the hole. LOTTE I need a shower. CRAIG I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry. I'm some kind of monster. I'm the guy you read about in the paper and go, "he's some kind of monster." LOTTE You're not a monster, Craig. Just a confused man. CRAIG I love you so much. She dials her phone, opens her cage, puts phone to her ear. CRAIG (CONT'D) But I gotta go now. I've got to go be Johnny. MAXINE (O.S.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone... LOTTE We have to meet. MAXINE One hour. Craig hangs up, tapes Lotte's mouth. CRAIG I'll tell you all about it when I get home. Craig exits. Lotte fiddles with the ropes on her hands Elijah, slumped in the corner of the cage, blankly watches her moving hands. Suddenly his eyes narrow. Something is going on in his brain. We move slowly into his eyes. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. JUNGLE - DAY It is a memory: blurry and overexposed, the color washed out. We see a weathered wooden sign which reads "Africa." The sound of running feet, huffing frantic breathing. We watch from up in a tree (Elijah's POV) as two men in safari suits chase a couple of chimps across the jungle floor. The chimps are screaming as the safari men tackle them and tie them up. The safari men laugh. SAFARI MAN Well, there monkeys ain't going nowhere. Let's get us a couple a brews 'fore the boss comes back... The safari men leave the chimps on the ground. We descend from the trees to the ground next to the bound chimps. One of the chimps looks at the camera. He grunts and squeals. CHIMP ONE (DUBBED VOICE) Son, untie your mother and me! Quickly! Before the great bald chimp-men return. A small pair of chimp hands enter into the frame and struggle to untie the ropes, but to no avail. Chimp two speaks. CHIMP TWO (DUBBED VOICE) Hurry, Elijah! SAFARI MAN Why you little bastard! Elijah is wrestled to the ground amidst much screaming. DISSOLVE TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - DAY Elijah shakes off the memory and looks determinedly at the ropes on Lotte's hands. He attempts to untie the knot. He works furiously and succeeds. Lotte pulls the tape from her mouth. LOTTE Oh, Elijah, you are magnificent! Elijah beams and screams for ecstatic joy. Lotte unlocks the cage, and dials the phone. LOTTE Maxine! Listen: It hasn't been me in John the last three times. Craig's had me locked up in the apartment. He made me call you at gunpoint. It's been him! Oh, God, it's been him! MAXINE (O.S.) (beat, calmly) Really? Well, you know, he's quite good. I'm surprised. Anyway, I have a session with Malkovich I have to attend. I'll speak with you soon. LOTTE But Maxine, I thought it was me you loved. MAXINE (O.S.) I thought so too, doll. I guess we were mistaken. Maxine hangs up. Lotte, visibly shaken, dials the phone. LOTTE Hello, Dr. Lester? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT The doorbell rings. Malkovich answers it. Maxine stands there, dressed in an evening gown. MALKOVICH Come on in. MAXINE I can explain about the portal, darling. MALKOVICH Don't con me, Maxine. We're over. I just let you up here to tell you that, and to tell you that I'm taking you and Schwartz to court. MAXINE Oh shut up. (beat) Craig, darling are you in there? Malkovich tenses up, then shakes his head in an awkward, puppet-like manner. When Malkovich speaks, it seems to be against him will. MALKOVICH Yes. How did you know it was me? MAXINE Lotte called me. MALKOVICH Oh, so the bitch escaped. MAXINE Apparently you can control this Malkovich fellow now. MALKOVICH I'm getting better all the time. MAXINE I'll say you are. Let's do it on his kitchen table, then make him eat an omelette off of it. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich) No... damn... you... (as Craig) Oh shut up, you overrated sack of shit. Malkovich begins undressing, and does a lewd bump and grind while looking mortified. Maxine giggles. Malkovich (Craig) laughs wildly. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lester's hand is in a bloody bandage. The juicer sits on hi desk. Lotte sits across from him looking nervous and hollow-eyed. LESTER You know I think it pays to leave juice-making to the trained professionals. You look terrible, my dear. LOTTE Craig stole Maxine from me, Dr. Lester. LESTER Hmmm, a lesbian, are you? I must inform you that I find that highly arousing. LOTTE No, you don't understand. I've been inside Malkovich when I'm with Maxine... LESTER (slaps Lotte furiously) What?! That is not allowed. My God, you are supposed to be one of us. You know you must never partake of Malkovich by yourself! LOTTE No, I didn't know that. LESTER Oh, didn't anyone show you the indoctrination video? LOTTE No. LESTER Oh, sorry. Right this way. CUT TO: INT. SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT Lotte site next to Lester in the darkened auditorium. The projector whirs. The screen lights up. TITLE: SO YOU WANT TO BE JOHN MALKOVICH A much younger Lester addresses the camera in this black and white film, which seems to have been made in the 50's. LESTER ON FILM Welcome, my fellow Malkovichians. As you may already know, today a baby was born into this sad world. We see a shot of a newborn. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) His name is John Horatio Hannibal Malkovich. And we are the keepers of the door to his soul. One day, when his brain is big enough, we will all journey into his head and live there for all eternity. Following the teachings of our leader Karl Marx, we will build the ultimate communist community, one body and hundreds, maybe thousands, of brains inside working together to form a super human intellect capable of curing disease, stopping all war, and ruling the world with a benevolent fist. We will take a wife, a woman of uncommon beauty and intellect, who is, as yet, still an infant herself. We see a photo of another infant, this one with a ribbon in her hair. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) Her name is Floris Horatia Hannibella DeMent. LOTTE Does Floris know that she's the chosen? LESTER Well, I tried to explain it to her, but... Lester points to his ear and shrugs. CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine lie naked on the bed, looking quite relaxed. MAXINE You still there, sweets? MALKOVICH Yeah. I've figured out how to hold on as long as I want. Oddly enough, it's all in the wrists. MAXINE Wow. (little girl pout) Do a puppet show for me, Craig honey. MALKOVICH You mean with Malkovich? MAXINE I'd love to see your work. MALKOVICH (pleased) Really? Yeah. Okay. Malkovich leans over and kisses her, then gets up. MALKOVICH (CONT'D) I'll do something I call "Craig's Dance of Despair and Disillusionment." Malkovich performs the same dance that the Craig pupper did at the beginning of the film. It is exactly the same, complete with impossible somersaults and perspiring brow. He finishes by falling to his knees and weeping. MAXINE (moved) That was incredible. You're brilliant! MALKOVICH You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing with dolls. MAXINE You're right, my darling, it's so much more. It's playing with people! Malkovich kisses Maxine. She snuggles close to him. MAXINE Stay in him forever? MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, screaming) No! (as Craig, calmly) But how will we make a living, my love, if our clientele doesn't have access to our product? MAXINE Well, we'll have all the money in Malkovich's bank account, plus he still gets acting work occasionally. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, breaking through) No! Please! (as Craig, to Malkovich) Shut up, will you? We're trying to think here. (to Maxine) It is sort of like being a puppeteer. I like that about it. MAXINE No one would ever have to know its not him. MALKOVICH (an idea) Wait a minute! What if everybody knew? What if we presented Malkovich as the world's most complicated puppet and me as the only puppeteer sophisticated enough to work him? We'd wipe the floor with the Great Mantini! MAXINE Oh, Craiggy, that's brilliant! CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S SHRINE ROOM - NIGHT The worshippers are assembled. Lotte stands before them. LOTTE I have sinned, unwittingly, against the community. And for this I am truly sorry. MAN #2 W-w-what's it like on the inside? LOTTE Oh, it's glorious. It's indescribable. MAN #2 Oooh, I wanna go. I wanna go. I say it's time. LESTER Perhaps you're right, Terry. We're all prepared, and perhaps this Schwartz fellow is forcing our hand a bit. We will enter the portal tonight! Everyone cheers. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich are furiously filling the portal with cement. Suddenly Malkovich stops and runs to the office door screaming a bloodcurdling scream. He stops just as suddenly, begins to strangle himself. MALKOVICH (Craig to Malkovich) Shut up! (to Maxine) Sorry, dear, I lost control for a minute. MAXINE (kissing him) It's okay, my sweet. They go back to filling the portal. There is the sound of many shuffling feet in the hallway. The door flies open and the Malkovichians led by Lester and Lotte burst in. Malkovich and Maxine turn with a start. LESTER Aaaahhhh, the portal! LOTTE (to Malkovich) You bastard! Lotte lunges for Malkovich. Lester grabs her arm, holds her back. LESTER No! Don't harm the vessel! LOTTE It's Craig in there, I can tell. LESTER I understand, but we must protect the vessel at all costs. (to Malkovich) Please, Craig, please step aside and allow us to have what is rightfully ours. CRAIG Squatter's rights, Lester. Craig laughs somewhat maniacally. Maxine slips her arm through Craig's, joins him in his laughter, and glances triumphantly over at Lotte. MAXINE Now excuse us, we have an entertainment legend to create. LESTER (to the cult members) Clear the way for them, my friends. They will be dealt with in due time. The Malkovichians grumble and let Malkovich and Maxine exit. LESTER (CONT'D) Now, let's see what we can do to salvage this portal... for the sake of all that is good. The Malkovichians converge on the sealed portal, and begin clawing desperately at the quick-drying cement. Fingers are scraped raw, and we see smears of blood and skin on the rough gray surface. CUT TO: INT. AGENT'S OFFICE - DAY A slick-looking agent answers a buzzing phone. AGENT Of course, send him right in. Don't ever keep him waiting again. Do you understand? Malkovich and Maxine enter. The agent stands, holds out his hand. AGENT (CONT'D) John! Great to see you! Sorry about the cunt at reception. MALKOVICH This is my fiancee Maxine. The agent shakes Maxine's hand. AGENT Great to see you, Maxine. Sorry about the cunt at reception. Please have a seat. Malkovich and Maxine sit. AGENT (CONT'D) Can I get you anything? Coffee? Water? MAXINE No thanks. AGENT (into phone) Teresa, get me a chicken soup. (to Malkovich and Maxine) Chicken soup? Maxine and Malkovich shake their heads "no." MALKOVICH I'll get right to the point, Larry. I'm a puppet now... AGENT Okay. MALKOVICH I'm being controlled by the world's greatest puppeteer, Craig Schwartz... AGENT (no clue) Oh yeah, he's good. MALKOVICH ... and I want to show off his skills by performing a one-puppet extravaganza in Reno. MAXINE Vegas. MALKOVICH Vegas. Can you arrange that? AGENT Sure, sure. Just let me

who

How many times the word 'who' appears in the text?

CRAIG What's that? LOTTE (beat) Us, of course. Craig looks up from his packing. He and Lotte stare at each other for a long while. CRAIG (tenderly) Oh, Lot... They hug. CRAIG (CONT'D) What about Maxine? LOTTE Fuck Maxine. CRAIG We wish. They look at each other and laugh, them fall back into the embrace. They both get faraway looks in their eyes. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S GARAGE - NIGHT The clock reads 3:00 AM. Craig, in his pajamas, is working the Craig and Maxine puppets. They make love on the bare puppet stage. Craig seems possessed. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS The phone rings. Maxine sleepily picks it up. MAXINE Yes? LOTTE (O.S.) I have to see you. Can you call him and invite us over? MAXINE When? LOTTE (O.S.) Give me one hour to get inside him Exactly. Maxine checks her alarm clock. The time is 3:11 AM. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S CAR - NIGHT Lotte drives. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - A BIT LATER The doorbell rings. Maxine, in a sheer black nightgown, answers it. John Malkovich stands there. MAXINE Thanks so much for coming over. MALKOVICH Oh, I'm really glad you called. Maxine gestures for him to enter. As Malkovich passes by her, she checks the wall clock. The time is 3:50. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lotte sits on the floor in the dark. She leans, out of breath, against the wall next to the portal and checks her watch. The time is 4:10. She pulls open the door. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich sit a bit awkwardly next to each other on the couch. MAXINE So, do you enjoy being an actor? MALKOVICH Oh sure. It's very rewarding... The digital clock on the VCR clicks over to 4:11 AM. Maxine's look softens, and she kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. He seems surprised, but quickly warms to it. We shift top Malkovich's POV as Maxine begins to unbutton Malkovich's shirt. LOTTE (V.O.) Oh my darling. Oh my sweetheart. MAXINE I love you, Lotte. LOTTE (V.O.) Maxine... MALKOVICH (stopping) I'm sorry, did you just call me "Lotte"? MAXINE Do you mind? MALKOVICH (thinking) No, I guess not. I'm an actor. They get back to it. MAXINE Oh, my sweet, beautiful Lotte. MALKOVICH (thinks he's playing along) Yes, Maxine, yes. LOTTE (V.O.) This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT A sweaty and spent Craig sneaks back into the bedroom. He sees that the bed is empty. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT With a gasp and a wail of release, Lotte pops into the ditch. She is soaking wet and breathes heavily. She just lies there. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S KITCHEN - MORNING Craig is hunched over a cup of coffee. The front door can be heard to open. After a moment Lotte appears in the kitchen doorway. She is caked with dirt. Craig looks up at her. CRAIG You were him last night, weren't you? LOTTE (quietly) Yes. CRAIG And he was with her. LOTTE We love her, Craig. I'm sorry. CRAIG We? LOTTE Me and John. CRAIG Don't forget me. LOTTE Well, you have the Maxine action figure to play with. Craig looks down at his coffee. LOTTE (CONT'D) I'm sorry. That was nasty. CRAIG Life is confusing, isn't it? LOTTE Sometimes we're forced to make hard decisions. (beat) I'd like for us to stay together, Craig. You know, platonically, if that's possible. I truly value our friendship. CRAIG I feel that somehow my parents never prepared me to make this particular decision. Not that I blame them. How could they know? Today's world is so complicated. (beat) No. I have to go away now. I'm sorry, Lotte. I'm so sorry. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - MORNING Craig enters with red-rimmed eyes. Maxine sits at her desk, actually looking kind of radiant. MAXINE You're late. CRAIG Are you torturing me on purpose? MAXINE (matter of fact) I've fallen in love. CRAIG I don't think so. I've fallen in love. This is what people who've fallen in love look like. MAXINE You picked the unrequited variety. Very bad for the skin. CRAIG You're evil, Maxine. MAXINE Do you have any idea what its like to have two people look at you with total lust and devotion through the same pair of eyes? No I don't suppose you would. It's quite a thrill, Craig. Craig turns and walks out the door. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY 7 1/2 FLOOR - CONTINUOUS Craig hurries past a long line of fat people, all looking eager, all clutching cash. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - MORNING Lester sits at his desk. The intercom buzzes. LESTER (depressing switch) Yes, my dear? FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Someone names A Lot of Warts on line two. LESTER Thank you, Floris. FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Think, Jew florist? LESTER (pressing line 2) Good morning, Lotte! LOTTE (O.S.) Dr. Lester, everything's falling apart. CUT TO: INT. GUN SHOP - MORNING Craig is at the counter buying a pistol. CUT TO: INT. JUICY-JUICE JUICE BAR - MORNING Lester and Lotte sit at a table. They both have really large glasses of carrot juice in front of them. LOTTE I blew it, Dr. Lester. LESTER You followed your heart, my child, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. LOTTE But now we've lost access to Craig. LESTER (laughs) My child, I don't think its a great mystery what Craig's up to. CUT TO: CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY Craig stands still and tense, with gun in hand. We hear the front door unlock. Lotte enters. She does not see Craig. He grabs her from behind as she passes. Lotte screams. Craig holds the gun to her head. LOTTE I'm your Goddamn wife. Once you vowed to cherish me forever. Now you hold a gun to my head? CRAIG Yeah, well welcome to the nineties. LOTTE Suck my dick! CRAIG (slapping her) Shut up! Lotte is stunned. She feels the muzzle against her forehead. She shuts up. Keeping the gun trained on Lotte, Craig dials the phone. He hands the receiver to her. He holds his ear to the receiver also. CRAIG (CONT'D) Tell her you need to see her. LOTTE (to Craig) You bastard. Craig cocks the pistol. MAXINE (V.O.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone else can be. LOTTE (looking at Craig) I have to see you. MAXINE (V.O.) Sweetie! Oh, but we can't. It's business hours. I need to keep the membranous tunnel open for paying customers. CRAIG (sotto) Tell her, what the hell, close early today, live dangerously. LOTTE What the hell, darling. Close early today, live dangerously. MAXINE (V.O.) Oooh, doll. I love this new devil-may-care side of you. Alrighty, I'll track down Lover-boy, and I'll see both of you in one hour. Exactamundo. Maxine hangs up. Lotte hands the phone to Craig, who hangs it up. Craig opens up the big cage where Elijah is housed, and motions with the gun for Lotte to enter. LOTTE (screaming) Help! He's locking me in a cage! Craig slaps Lotte hard. She looks at him, almost sadly. NEIGHBOR Shut up! PARROT Shut up! CRAIG Lesson number one: Be careful what you teach your parrot. Craig tapes Lotte's mouth, ties her hands and feet. Elijah watches him tie her. He becomes somewhat agitated, and holds his stomach. CUT TO: INT. BROADHURST THEATER - DAY Malkovich is rehearsing some business on stage. Maxine watches from the house. She anxiously checks her watch, then points to it so Malkovich can see. MALKOVICH Tommy, can I take fifteen? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on the make-up table, against the mirror. MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Oh, sweetie... We now watch the scene from Malkovich's POV. MALKOVICH Maxine... CRAIG (V.O.) I can't believe it. This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - DAY Craig is toweling himself off, hurriedly combing his hair. Maxine enters. CRAIG You're glowing again. MAXINE A girl has a right to glow if she wants. It's in the fucking constitution. Maxine sits. Craig smiles to himself. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING Craig is feeding the various caged animals. He puts two plates of food in Elijah's cage. Lotte is ungagged and unbound now. She eats as Craig slumps down next to the cage, gun in hand. CRAIG It was lovely being you being Malkovich, my dear. I'd never seen the passionate side of sweet Maxine before, or her actual tits for that matter. If only, I've been thinking to myself, if only I could actually feel what Malkovich feels, rather than just see what he sees... And then, dare I say it, if only I could control his arms, his legs, his pelvis, and make them do my bidding. LOTTE It'll never happen, fuckface. CRAIG Ah, but you're forgetting one thing, Lambchop. LOTTE What's that? CRAIG I'm a puppeteer. Craig picks up the phone and dials. He smiles as he holds the receiver up to Lotte's face. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on Maxine's couch. MAXINE Lotte, this is so good... CRAIG (V.O.) (tense, commanding) Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Malkovich clumsily, awkwardly moves his hand across Maxine's breast. CRAIG (V.O.) (CONT'D) Holy shit, yes! MALKOVICH Holy shit, yes! CRAIG (V.O.) Holy shit! He said what I said! MALKOVICH Holy shit! He said what I said! MAXINE Lotte? Is that you? CRAIG (V.O.) Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! MALKOVICH Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! (scared) What the fuck is going on? I'm not talking. This is not me! MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Maxine kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. There is a sucking sound. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT There is a pop and Craig lands in the ditch. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT A panicked Malkovich is pulling on his clothes. MALKOVICH Something was making me talk. Some Goddamn thing was making me move. I gotta get out of here. MAXINE Oh, Dollface, it was just your passion for me taking hold. MALKOVICH No, Dollface, I know what my passion taking hold feels like. I gotta go. He leaves. Maxine falls back on the couch and sighs contentedly. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT A wet, mess Craig sits next to Lotte's cage. Lotte is bound and gagged. CRAIG I did it, sweetie. I moved his arm across your girlfriend's glorious tit. I made him talk. And, oh, there was the beginning of sensation in the fingertips. Ummmm-mmmm! It's just a matter of practice before Malkovich becomes nothing more than another puppet hanging next to my worktable. Coffee? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich paces nervously, a glass of whisky in his hand. Kevin Bacon sits on the couch and fiddles with a Rubic's Cube. MALKOVICH It's like nothing I've ever felt before. I think I'm going crazy. KEVIN BACON I'm sure you're not going crazy. MALKOVICH Kevin, I'm telling you... it was like nothing I've... KEVIN BACON Yeah yeah yeah. Yadda yadda yadda. Were you stoned? MALKOVICH Yes, but you see, someone else was talking through my mouth. KEVIN BACON You were stoned. Case closed. End of story. How hot is this babe? MALKOVICH I think it might've been this Lotte woman talking through me. Maxine likes to call me Lotte. KEVIN BACON Ouch. Now that's hot. She's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover. Let me know when you're done with her. This is my type of chick. MALKOVICH I'm done with her now. Tonight really creeped me out. KEVIN BACON You're crazy to let go of a chick who calls you Lotte. I tell you that as a friend. MALKOVICH I don't know anything about her. What if she's some sort of witch or something? KEVIN BACON All the better. Hey, Hot Lesbian Witches, next Geraldo, buddy boy. Ha ha ha. MALKOVICH I gotta know the truth, Kevin. KEVIN BACON The truth is for suckers, Johnny-Boy. CUT TO: EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING Malkovich, in a baseball cap and sunglasses, leans against the wall. After a moment, Maxine emerges from the building and walks down the block. Malkovich follows at a safe distance. CUT TO: INT. 7 1/2 FLOOR - MORNING The elevator doors are pried open. It's packed. Maxine and a few other people climb out. The last to emerge is Malkovich. He is astounded by the dimensions of the floor. He turns the corner and sees the long line of crouching fat people. Maxine goes into the office and closes the door. Maxine sees "J.M. Inc." stenciled on the office door. He turns to the first fat man and line. MALKOVICH Excuse me, what type of service does this company provide? FAT MAN You get to be John Malkovich for fifteen minutes. Two hundred clams. MALKOVICH (quietly flipped) I see. FAT MAN No cutting, by the way. Malkovich pounds on the door. FAT MAN (CONT'D) No cutting! Several fat people jump on Malkovich, and start beating him. Craig steps out of the office. CRAIG Hey! Break it up! Break it up! Everybody gets a chance to be... The fat people climb off Malkovich. His glasses and cap have been knocked off and everyone recognizes him. FAT MAN It's him! Oh, we're so sorry Mr. Malkovich! I hope me and my associates from Overeaters Anonymous didn't hurt you too terribly. MALKOVICH (to Craig) Inside. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Craig and Malkovich enter. Maxine looks up, startled, but controlling it. MAXINE Darling! MALKOVICH What the fuck is going on? CRAIG Mr. Malkovich, my name is Craig Schwartz. I can explain. We operate a little business her that... simulates, for our clientele, the experience of... being you, actually. MALKOVICH Simulates? CRAIG Sure, after a fashion. MALKOVICH Let me try. CRAIG You? Why I'm sure it would pale in comparison to the actual experience. MALKOVICH Let me try! MAXINE Let him try. CRAIG Of course, right this way, Mr. Malkovich. Compliments of the house. Craig ushers Malkovich to the portal door, opens it. MALKOVICH (repulsed by the slime) Jesus. Malkovich climbs in. The door closes. CRAIG What happens when a man climbs through his own portal? MAXINE (shrugs) How the hell would I know? I wasn't a philosophy major. CUT TO: INT. MEMBRANOUS TUNNEL - DAY Malkovich crawls through. It's murky. He's tense. Suddenly there is a slurping sound. CUT TO: PSYCHEDELIC MONTAGE We see Malkovich hurtling through different environments. It's scary: giant toads, swirling eddies of garish, colored lights, naked old people pointing and laughing, black velvet clown paintings. CUT TO: INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT Malkovich pops into a chair in a swakn night club. He's wearing a tuxedo. The woman across the table from him is also Malkovich, but in a gown. He looks around the restaurant. Everyone is Malkovich in different clothes. Malkovich is panicked. The girl Malkovich across the table looks at him seductively, winks and talks. GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich looks confused. The Malkovich waiter approaches, pen and pad in hand, ready to take their orders. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich? GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich. (Turning to Malkovich) Malkovich? Malkovich looks down at the menu. Every item is "Malkovich." He screams: MALKOVICH Malkovich! The waiter jots it down on his pad. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich. Malkovich pushes himself away from the table and runs for the exit. He passes the stage where a girl singer Malkovich is singin sensuously into the microphone. She is backed by a '40's style big band of Malkoviches. SINGING MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich flies through the back door. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - DAY Malkovich lands with a thud in the ditch. Craig is waiting there with his van. On its side is painted "See The World in Malk-O-Vision" followed by a phone number. Malkovich is huddled and shivering and soaking wet. CRAIG So how was it? MALKOVICH That... was... no... simulation. CRAIG I know. I'm sorry... MALKOVICH I have been to the dark side. I have seen a world that no man should ever see. CRAIG Really? For most people it's a rather pleasant experience. What exactly did you... MALKOVICH This portal is mine and must be sealed up forever. For the love of God. CRAIG With all respect, sir, I discovered that portal. Its my livelihood. MALKOVICH It's my head, Schwartz, and I'll see you in court! Malkovich trudges off along the shoulder of the turnpike. CRAIG (calling after him) And who's to say I won't be seeing what you're seeing... in court? Cars whiz by Malkovich. Someone yells from a passing car. MOTORIST Hey, Malkovich! Think fast! Malkovich looks up. A beer can comes flying out of the car and hits him on the head. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Craig is feeding the animals. His gun is stuck in his pants. He gets to Lotte's cage. She is bound but ungagged. She looks haggard. LOTTE Once this was a relationship based on love. Now you have me in a cage with a monkey and a gun to my head. CRAIG Things change. Anyway, you gave up your claim to that love the first time you stuck your dick in Maxine. LOTTE You fell in love with her first. CRAIG Yeah but I didn't do anything about it. Out of respect for our marriage. LOTTE You didn't do anything about it out of respect for the fact that she wouldn't let you near her with a ten foot pole, which is, by the way, about nine feet, nine inches off the mark anyway. CRAIG (beat) That's true. Oh, God, Lotte, what have I become? My wife in a cage with a monkey. A gun in my hand. Betrayal in my heart. LOTTE Maybe this is what you've always been, Craig, you just never faced it before. CRAIG Perhaps you're right. I can't let you go though. Too much has happened. You're my ace in the hole. LOTTE I need a shower. CRAIG I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry. I'm some kind of monster. I'm the guy you read about in the paper and go, "he's some kind of monster." LOTTE You're not a monster, Craig. Just a confused man. CRAIG I love you so much. She dials her phone, opens her cage, puts phone to her ear. CRAIG (CONT'D) But I gotta go now. I've got to go be Johnny. MAXINE (O.S.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone... LOTTE We have to meet. MAXINE One hour. Craig hangs up, tapes Lotte's mouth. CRAIG I'll tell you all about it when I get home. Craig exits. Lotte fiddles with the ropes on her hands Elijah, slumped in the corner of the cage, blankly watches her moving hands. Suddenly his eyes narrow. Something is going on in his brain. We move slowly into his eyes. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. JUNGLE - DAY It is a memory: blurry and overexposed, the color washed out. We see a weathered wooden sign which reads "Africa." The sound of running feet, huffing frantic breathing. We watch from up in a tree (Elijah's POV) as two men in safari suits chase a couple of chimps across the jungle floor. The chimps are screaming as the safari men tackle them and tie them up. The safari men laugh. SAFARI MAN Well, there monkeys ain't going nowhere. Let's get us a couple a brews 'fore the boss comes back... The safari men leave the chimps on the ground. We descend from the trees to the ground next to the bound chimps. One of the chimps looks at the camera. He grunts and squeals. CHIMP ONE (DUBBED VOICE) Son, untie your mother and me! Quickly! Before the great bald chimp-men return. A small pair of chimp hands enter into the frame and struggle to untie the ropes, but to no avail. Chimp two speaks. CHIMP TWO (DUBBED VOICE) Hurry, Elijah! SAFARI MAN Why you little bastard! Elijah is wrestled to the ground amidst much screaming. DISSOLVE TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - DAY Elijah shakes off the memory and looks determinedly at the ropes on Lotte's hands. He attempts to untie the knot. He works furiously and succeeds. Lotte pulls the tape from her mouth. LOTTE Oh, Elijah, you are magnificent! Elijah beams and screams for ecstatic joy. Lotte unlocks the cage, and dials the phone. LOTTE Maxine! Listen: It hasn't been me in John the last three times. Craig's had me locked up in the apartment. He made me call you at gunpoint. It's been him! Oh, God, it's been him! MAXINE (O.S.) (beat, calmly) Really? Well, you know, he's quite good. I'm surprised. Anyway, I have a session with Malkovich I have to attend. I'll speak with you soon. LOTTE But Maxine, I thought it was me you loved. MAXINE (O.S.) I thought so too, doll. I guess we were mistaken. Maxine hangs up. Lotte, visibly shaken, dials the phone. LOTTE Hello, Dr. Lester? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT The doorbell rings. Malkovich answers it. Maxine stands there, dressed in an evening gown. MALKOVICH Come on in. MAXINE I can explain about the portal, darling. MALKOVICH Don't con me, Maxine. We're over. I just let you up here to tell you that, and to tell you that I'm taking you and Schwartz to court. MAXINE Oh shut up. (beat) Craig, darling are you in there? Malkovich tenses up, then shakes his head in an awkward, puppet-like manner. When Malkovich speaks, it seems to be against him will. MALKOVICH Yes. How did you know it was me? MAXINE Lotte called me. MALKOVICH Oh, so the bitch escaped. MAXINE Apparently you can control this Malkovich fellow now. MALKOVICH I'm getting better all the time. MAXINE I'll say you are. Let's do it on his kitchen table, then make him eat an omelette off of it. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich) No... damn... you... (as Craig) Oh shut up, you overrated sack of shit. Malkovich begins undressing, and does a lewd bump and grind while looking mortified. Maxine giggles. Malkovich (Craig) laughs wildly. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lester's hand is in a bloody bandage. The juicer sits on hi desk. Lotte sits across from him looking nervous and hollow-eyed. LESTER You know I think it pays to leave juice-making to the trained professionals. You look terrible, my dear. LOTTE Craig stole Maxine from me, Dr. Lester. LESTER Hmmm, a lesbian, are you? I must inform you that I find that highly arousing. LOTTE No, you don't understand. I've been inside Malkovich when I'm with Maxine... LESTER (slaps Lotte furiously) What?! That is not allowed. My God, you are supposed to be one of us. You know you must never partake of Malkovich by yourself! LOTTE No, I didn't know that. LESTER Oh, didn't anyone show you the indoctrination video? LOTTE No. LESTER Oh, sorry. Right this way. CUT TO: INT. SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT Lotte site next to Lester in the darkened auditorium. The projector whirs. The screen lights up. TITLE: SO YOU WANT TO BE JOHN MALKOVICH A much younger Lester addresses the camera in this black and white film, which seems to have been made in the 50's. LESTER ON FILM Welcome, my fellow Malkovichians. As you may already know, today a baby was born into this sad world. We see a shot of a newborn. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) His name is John Horatio Hannibal Malkovich. And we are the keepers of the door to his soul. One day, when his brain is big enough, we will all journey into his head and live there for all eternity. Following the teachings of our leader Karl Marx, we will build the ultimate communist community, one body and hundreds, maybe thousands, of brains inside working together to form a super human intellect capable of curing disease, stopping all war, and ruling the world with a benevolent fist. We will take a wife, a woman of uncommon beauty and intellect, who is, as yet, still an infant herself. We see a photo of another infant, this one with a ribbon in her hair. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) Her name is Floris Horatia Hannibella DeMent. LOTTE Does Floris know that she's the chosen? LESTER Well, I tried to explain it to her, but... Lester points to his ear and shrugs. CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine lie naked on the bed, looking quite relaxed. MAXINE You still there, sweets? MALKOVICH Yeah. I've figured out how to hold on as long as I want. Oddly enough, it's all in the wrists. MAXINE Wow. (little girl pout) Do a puppet show for me, Craig honey. MALKOVICH You mean with Malkovich? MAXINE I'd love to see your work. MALKOVICH (pleased) Really? Yeah. Okay. Malkovich leans over and kisses her, then gets up. MALKOVICH (CONT'D) I'll do something I call "Craig's Dance of Despair and Disillusionment." Malkovich performs the same dance that the Craig pupper did at the beginning of the film. It is exactly the same, complete with impossible somersaults and perspiring brow. He finishes by falling to his knees and weeping. MAXINE (moved) That was incredible. You're brilliant! MALKOVICH You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing with dolls. MAXINE You're right, my darling, it's so much more. It's playing with people! Malkovich kisses Maxine. She snuggles close to him. MAXINE Stay in him forever? MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, screaming) No! (as Craig, calmly) But how will we make a living, my love, if our clientele doesn't have access to our product? MAXINE Well, we'll have all the money in Malkovich's bank account, plus he still gets acting work occasionally. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, breaking through) No! Please! (as Craig, to Malkovich) Shut up, will you? We're trying to think here. (to Maxine) It is sort of like being a puppeteer. I like that about it. MAXINE No one would ever have to know its not him. MALKOVICH (an idea) Wait a minute! What if everybody knew? What if we presented Malkovich as the world's most complicated puppet and me as the only puppeteer sophisticated enough to work him? We'd wipe the floor with the Great Mantini! MAXINE Oh, Craiggy, that's brilliant! CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S SHRINE ROOM - NIGHT The worshippers are assembled. Lotte stands before them. LOTTE I have sinned, unwittingly, against the community. And for this I am truly sorry. MAN #2 W-w-what's it like on the inside? LOTTE Oh, it's glorious. It's indescribable. MAN #2 Oooh, I wanna go. I wanna go. I say it's time. LESTER Perhaps you're right, Terry. We're all prepared, and perhaps this Schwartz fellow is forcing our hand a bit. We will enter the portal tonight! Everyone cheers. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich are furiously filling the portal with cement. Suddenly Malkovich stops and runs to the office door screaming a bloodcurdling scream. He stops just as suddenly, begins to strangle himself. MALKOVICH (Craig to Malkovich) Shut up! (to Maxine) Sorry, dear, I lost control for a minute. MAXINE (kissing him) It's okay, my sweet. They go back to filling the portal. There is the sound of many shuffling feet in the hallway. The door flies open and the Malkovichians led by Lester and Lotte burst in. Malkovich and Maxine turn with a start. LESTER Aaaahhhh, the portal! LOTTE (to Malkovich) You bastard! Lotte lunges for Malkovich. Lester grabs her arm, holds her back. LESTER No! Don't harm the vessel! LOTTE It's Craig in there, I can tell. LESTER I understand, but we must protect the vessel at all costs. (to Malkovich) Please, Craig, please step aside and allow us to have what is rightfully ours. CRAIG Squatter's rights, Lester. Craig laughs somewhat maniacally. Maxine slips her arm through Craig's, joins him in his laughter, and glances triumphantly over at Lotte. MAXINE Now excuse us, we have an entertainment legend to create. LESTER (to the cult members) Clear the way for them, my friends. They will be dealt with in due time. The Malkovichians grumble and let Malkovich and Maxine exit. LESTER (CONT'D) Now, let's see what we can do to salvage this portal... for the sake of all that is good. The Malkovichians converge on the sealed portal, and begin clawing desperately at the quick-drying cement. Fingers are scraped raw, and we see smears of blood and skin on the rough gray surface. CUT TO: INT. AGENT'S OFFICE - DAY A slick-looking agent answers a buzzing phone. AGENT Of course, send him right in. Don't ever keep him waiting again. Do you understand? Malkovich and Maxine enter. The agent stands, holds out his hand. AGENT (CONT'D) John! Great to see you! Sorry about the cunt at reception. MALKOVICH This is my fiancee Maxine. The agent shakes Maxine's hand. AGENT Great to see you, Maxine. Sorry about the cunt at reception. Please have a seat. Malkovich and Maxine sit. AGENT (CONT'D) Can I get you anything? Coffee? Water? MAXINE No thanks. AGENT (into phone) Teresa, get me a chicken soup. (to Malkovich and Maxine) Chicken soup? Maxine and Malkovich shake their heads "no." MALKOVICH I'll get right to the point, Larry. I'm a puppet now... AGENT Okay. MALKOVICH I'm being controlled by the world's greatest puppeteer, Craig Schwartz... AGENT (no clue) Oh yeah, he's good. MALKOVICH ... and I want to show off his skills by performing a one-puppet extravaganza in Reno. MAXINE Vegas. MALKOVICH Vegas. Can you arrange that? AGENT Sure, sure. Just let me

o.s.

How many times the word 'o.s.' appears in the text?

CRAIG What's that? LOTTE (beat) Us, of course. Craig looks up from his packing. He and Lotte stare at each other for a long while. CRAIG (tenderly) Oh, Lot... They hug. CRAIG (CONT'D) What about Maxine? LOTTE Fuck Maxine. CRAIG We wish. They look at each other and laugh, them fall back into the embrace. They both get faraway looks in their eyes. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S GARAGE - NIGHT The clock reads 3:00 AM. Craig, in his pajamas, is working the Craig and Maxine puppets. They make love on the bare puppet stage. Craig seems possessed. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS The phone rings. Maxine sleepily picks it up. MAXINE Yes? LOTTE (O.S.) I have to see you. Can you call him and invite us over? MAXINE When? LOTTE (O.S.) Give me one hour to get inside him Exactly. Maxine checks her alarm clock. The time is 3:11 AM. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S CAR - NIGHT Lotte drives. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - A BIT LATER The doorbell rings. Maxine, in a sheer black nightgown, answers it. John Malkovich stands there. MAXINE Thanks so much for coming over. MALKOVICH Oh, I'm really glad you called. Maxine gestures for him to enter. As Malkovich passes by her, she checks the wall clock. The time is 3:50. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lotte sits on the floor in the dark. She leans, out of breath, against the wall next to the portal and checks her watch. The time is 4:10. She pulls open the door. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich sit a bit awkwardly next to each other on the couch. MAXINE So, do you enjoy being an actor? MALKOVICH Oh sure. It's very rewarding... The digital clock on the VCR clicks over to 4:11 AM. Maxine's look softens, and she kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. He seems surprised, but quickly warms to it. We shift top Malkovich's POV as Maxine begins to unbutton Malkovich's shirt. LOTTE (V.O.) Oh my darling. Oh my sweetheart. MAXINE I love you, Lotte. LOTTE (V.O.) Maxine... MALKOVICH (stopping) I'm sorry, did you just call me "Lotte"? MAXINE Do you mind? MALKOVICH (thinking) No, I guess not. I'm an actor. They get back to it. MAXINE Oh, my sweet, beautiful Lotte. MALKOVICH (thinks he's playing along) Yes, Maxine, yes. LOTTE (V.O.) This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT A sweaty and spent Craig sneaks back into the bedroom. He sees that the bed is empty. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT With a gasp and a wail of release, Lotte pops into the ditch. She is soaking wet and breathes heavily. She just lies there. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S KITCHEN - MORNING Craig is hunched over a cup of coffee. The front door can be heard to open. After a moment Lotte appears in the kitchen doorway. She is caked with dirt. Craig looks up at her. CRAIG You were him last night, weren't you? LOTTE (quietly) Yes. CRAIG And he was with her. LOTTE We love her, Craig. I'm sorry. CRAIG We? LOTTE Me and John. CRAIG Don't forget me. LOTTE Well, you have the Maxine action figure to play with. Craig looks down at his coffee. LOTTE (CONT'D) I'm sorry. That was nasty. CRAIG Life is confusing, isn't it? LOTTE Sometimes we're forced to make hard decisions. (beat) I'd like for us to stay together, Craig. You know, platonically, if that's possible. I truly value our friendship. CRAIG I feel that somehow my parents never prepared me to make this particular decision. Not that I blame them. How could they know? Today's world is so complicated. (beat) No. I have to go away now. I'm sorry, Lotte. I'm so sorry. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - MORNING Craig enters with red-rimmed eyes. Maxine sits at her desk, actually looking kind of radiant. MAXINE You're late. CRAIG Are you torturing me on purpose? MAXINE (matter of fact) I've fallen in love. CRAIG I don't think so. I've fallen in love. This is what people who've fallen in love look like. MAXINE You picked the unrequited variety. Very bad for the skin. CRAIG You're evil, Maxine. MAXINE Do you have any idea what its like to have two people look at you with total lust and devotion through the same pair of eyes? No I don't suppose you would. It's quite a thrill, Craig. Craig turns and walks out the door. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY 7 1/2 FLOOR - CONTINUOUS Craig hurries past a long line of fat people, all looking eager, all clutching cash. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - MORNING Lester sits at his desk. The intercom buzzes. LESTER (depressing switch) Yes, my dear? FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Someone names A Lot of Warts on line two. LESTER Thank you, Floris. FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Think, Jew florist? LESTER (pressing line 2) Good morning, Lotte! LOTTE (O.S.) Dr. Lester, everything's falling apart. CUT TO: INT. GUN SHOP - MORNING Craig is at the counter buying a pistol. CUT TO: INT. JUICY-JUICE JUICE BAR - MORNING Lester and Lotte sit at a table. They both have really large glasses of carrot juice in front of them. LOTTE I blew it, Dr. Lester. LESTER You followed your heart, my child, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. LOTTE But now we've lost access to Craig. LESTER (laughs) My child, I don't think its a great mystery what Craig's up to. CUT TO: CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY Craig stands still and tense, with gun in hand. We hear the front door unlock. Lotte enters. She does not see Craig. He grabs her from behind as she passes. Lotte screams. Craig holds the gun to her head. LOTTE I'm your Goddamn wife. Once you vowed to cherish me forever. Now you hold a gun to my head? CRAIG Yeah, well welcome to the nineties. LOTTE Suck my dick! CRAIG (slapping her) Shut up! Lotte is stunned. She feels the muzzle against her forehead. She shuts up. Keeping the gun trained on Lotte, Craig dials the phone. He hands the receiver to her. He holds his ear to the receiver also. CRAIG (CONT'D) Tell her you need to see her. LOTTE (to Craig) You bastard. Craig cocks the pistol. MAXINE (V.O.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone else can be. LOTTE (looking at Craig) I have to see you. MAXINE (V.O.) Sweetie! Oh, but we can't. It's business hours. I need to keep the membranous tunnel open for paying customers. CRAIG (sotto) Tell her, what the hell, close early today, live dangerously. LOTTE What the hell, darling. Close early today, live dangerously. MAXINE (V.O.) Oooh, doll. I love this new devil-may-care side of you. Alrighty, I'll track down Lover-boy, and I'll see both of you in one hour. Exactamundo. Maxine hangs up. Lotte hands the phone to Craig, who hangs it up. Craig opens up the big cage where Elijah is housed, and motions with the gun for Lotte to enter. LOTTE (screaming) Help! He's locking me in a cage! Craig slaps Lotte hard. She looks at him, almost sadly. NEIGHBOR Shut up! PARROT Shut up! CRAIG Lesson number one: Be careful what you teach your parrot. Craig tapes Lotte's mouth, ties her hands and feet. Elijah watches him tie her. He becomes somewhat agitated, and holds his stomach. CUT TO: INT. BROADHURST THEATER - DAY Malkovich is rehearsing some business on stage. Maxine watches from the house. She anxiously checks her watch, then points to it so Malkovich can see. MALKOVICH Tommy, can I take fifteen? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on the make-up table, against the mirror. MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Oh, sweetie... We now watch the scene from Malkovich's POV. MALKOVICH Maxine... CRAIG (V.O.) I can't believe it. This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - DAY Craig is toweling himself off, hurriedly combing his hair. Maxine enters. CRAIG You're glowing again. MAXINE A girl has a right to glow if she wants. It's in the fucking constitution. Maxine sits. Craig smiles to himself. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING Craig is feeding the various caged animals. He puts two plates of food in Elijah's cage. Lotte is ungagged and unbound now. She eats as Craig slumps down next to the cage, gun in hand. CRAIG It was lovely being you being Malkovich, my dear. I'd never seen the passionate side of sweet Maxine before, or her actual tits for that matter. If only, I've been thinking to myself, if only I could actually feel what Malkovich feels, rather than just see what he sees... And then, dare I say it, if only I could control his arms, his legs, his pelvis, and make them do my bidding. LOTTE It'll never happen, fuckface. CRAIG Ah, but you're forgetting one thing, Lambchop. LOTTE What's that? CRAIG I'm a puppeteer. Craig picks up the phone and dials. He smiles as he holds the receiver up to Lotte's face. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on Maxine's couch. MAXINE Lotte, this is so good... CRAIG (V.O.) (tense, commanding) Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Malkovich clumsily, awkwardly moves his hand across Maxine's breast. CRAIG (V.O.) (CONT'D) Holy shit, yes! MALKOVICH Holy shit, yes! CRAIG (V.O.) Holy shit! He said what I said! MALKOVICH Holy shit! He said what I said! MAXINE Lotte? Is that you? CRAIG (V.O.) Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! MALKOVICH Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! (scared) What the fuck is going on? I'm not talking. This is not me! MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Maxine kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. There is a sucking sound. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT There is a pop and Craig lands in the ditch. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT A panicked Malkovich is pulling on his clothes. MALKOVICH Something was making me talk. Some Goddamn thing was making me move. I gotta get out of here. MAXINE Oh, Dollface, it was just your passion for me taking hold. MALKOVICH No, Dollface, I know what my passion taking hold feels like. I gotta go. He leaves. Maxine falls back on the couch and sighs contentedly. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT A wet, mess Craig sits next to Lotte's cage. Lotte is bound and gagged. CRAIG I did it, sweetie. I moved his arm across your girlfriend's glorious tit. I made him talk. And, oh, there was the beginning of sensation in the fingertips. Ummmm-mmmm! It's just a matter of practice before Malkovich becomes nothing more than another puppet hanging next to my worktable. Coffee? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich paces nervously, a glass of whisky in his hand. Kevin Bacon sits on the couch and fiddles with a Rubic's Cube. MALKOVICH It's like nothing I've ever felt before. I think I'm going crazy. KEVIN BACON I'm sure you're not going crazy. MALKOVICH Kevin, I'm telling you... it was like nothing I've... KEVIN BACON Yeah yeah yeah. Yadda yadda yadda. Were you stoned? MALKOVICH Yes, but you see, someone else was talking through my mouth. KEVIN BACON You were stoned. Case closed. End of story. How hot is this babe? MALKOVICH I think it might've been this Lotte woman talking through me. Maxine likes to call me Lotte. KEVIN BACON Ouch. Now that's hot. She's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover. Let me know when you're done with her. This is my type of chick. MALKOVICH I'm done with her now. Tonight really creeped me out. KEVIN BACON You're crazy to let go of a chick who calls you Lotte. I tell you that as a friend. MALKOVICH I don't know anything about her. What if she's some sort of witch or something? KEVIN BACON All the better. Hey, Hot Lesbian Witches, next Geraldo, buddy boy. Ha ha ha. MALKOVICH I gotta know the truth, Kevin. KEVIN BACON The truth is for suckers, Johnny-Boy. CUT TO: EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING Malkovich, in a baseball cap and sunglasses, leans against the wall. After a moment, Maxine emerges from the building and walks down the block. Malkovich follows at a safe distance. CUT TO: INT. 7 1/2 FLOOR - MORNING The elevator doors are pried open. It's packed. Maxine and a few other people climb out. The last to emerge is Malkovich. He is astounded by the dimensions of the floor. He turns the corner and sees the long line of crouching fat people. Maxine goes into the office and closes the door. Maxine sees "J.M. Inc." stenciled on the office door. He turns to the first fat man and line. MALKOVICH Excuse me, what type of service does this company provide? FAT MAN You get to be John Malkovich for fifteen minutes. Two hundred clams. MALKOVICH (quietly flipped) I see. FAT MAN No cutting, by the way. Malkovich pounds on the door. FAT MAN (CONT'D) No cutting! Several fat people jump on Malkovich, and start beating him. Craig steps out of the office. CRAIG Hey! Break it up! Break it up! Everybody gets a chance to be... The fat people climb off Malkovich. His glasses and cap have been knocked off and everyone recognizes him. FAT MAN It's him! Oh, we're so sorry Mr. Malkovich! I hope me and my associates from Overeaters Anonymous didn't hurt you too terribly. MALKOVICH (to Craig) Inside. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Craig and Malkovich enter. Maxine looks up, startled, but controlling it. MAXINE Darling! MALKOVICH What the fuck is going on? CRAIG Mr. Malkovich, my name is Craig Schwartz. I can explain. We operate a little business her that... simulates, for our clientele, the experience of... being you, actually. MALKOVICH Simulates? CRAIG Sure, after a fashion. MALKOVICH Let me try. CRAIG You? Why I'm sure it would pale in comparison to the actual experience. MALKOVICH Let me try! MAXINE Let him try. CRAIG Of course, right this way, Mr. Malkovich. Compliments of the house. Craig ushers Malkovich to the portal door, opens it. MALKOVICH (repulsed by the slime) Jesus. Malkovich climbs in. The door closes. CRAIG What happens when a man climbs through his own portal? MAXINE (shrugs) How the hell would I know? I wasn't a philosophy major. CUT TO: INT. MEMBRANOUS TUNNEL - DAY Malkovich crawls through. It's murky. He's tense. Suddenly there is a slurping sound. CUT TO: PSYCHEDELIC MONTAGE We see Malkovich hurtling through different environments. It's scary: giant toads, swirling eddies of garish, colored lights, naked old people pointing and laughing, black velvet clown paintings. CUT TO: INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT Malkovich pops into a chair in a swakn night club. He's wearing a tuxedo. The woman across the table from him is also Malkovich, but in a gown. He looks around the restaurant. Everyone is Malkovich in different clothes. Malkovich is panicked. The girl Malkovich across the table looks at him seductively, winks and talks. GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich looks confused. The Malkovich waiter approaches, pen and pad in hand, ready to take their orders. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich? GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich. (Turning to Malkovich) Malkovich? Malkovich looks down at the menu. Every item is "Malkovich." He screams: MALKOVICH Malkovich! The waiter jots it down on his pad. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich. Malkovich pushes himself away from the table and runs for the exit. He passes the stage where a girl singer Malkovich is singin sensuously into the microphone. She is backed by a '40's style big band of Malkoviches. SINGING MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich flies through the back door. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - DAY Malkovich lands with a thud in the ditch. Craig is waiting there with his van. On its side is painted "See The World in Malk-O-Vision" followed by a phone number. Malkovich is huddled and shivering and soaking wet. CRAIG So how was it? MALKOVICH That... was... no... simulation. CRAIG I know. I'm sorry... MALKOVICH I have been to the dark side. I have seen a world that no man should ever see. CRAIG Really? For most people it's a rather pleasant experience. What exactly did you... MALKOVICH This portal is mine and must be sealed up forever. For the love of God. CRAIG With all respect, sir, I discovered that portal. Its my livelihood. MALKOVICH It's my head, Schwartz, and I'll see you in court! Malkovich trudges off along the shoulder of the turnpike. CRAIG (calling after him) And who's to say I won't be seeing what you're seeing... in court? Cars whiz by Malkovich. Someone yells from a passing car. MOTORIST Hey, Malkovich! Think fast! Malkovich looks up. A beer can comes flying out of the car and hits him on the head. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Craig is feeding the animals. His gun is stuck in his pants. He gets to Lotte's cage. She is bound but ungagged. She looks haggard. LOTTE Once this was a relationship based on love. Now you have me in a cage with a monkey and a gun to my head. CRAIG Things change. Anyway, you gave up your claim to that love the first time you stuck your dick in Maxine. LOTTE You fell in love with her first. CRAIG Yeah but I didn't do anything about it. Out of respect for our marriage. LOTTE You didn't do anything about it out of respect for the fact that she wouldn't let you near her with a ten foot pole, which is, by the way, about nine feet, nine inches off the mark anyway. CRAIG (beat) That's true. Oh, God, Lotte, what have I become? My wife in a cage with a monkey. A gun in my hand. Betrayal in my heart. LOTTE Maybe this is what you've always been, Craig, you just never faced it before. CRAIG Perhaps you're right. I can't let you go though. Too much has happened. You're my ace in the hole. LOTTE I need a shower. CRAIG I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry. I'm some kind of monster. I'm the guy you read about in the paper and go, "he's some kind of monster." LOTTE You're not a monster, Craig. Just a confused man. CRAIG I love you so much. She dials her phone, opens her cage, puts phone to her ear. CRAIG (CONT'D) But I gotta go now. I've got to go be Johnny. MAXINE (O.S.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone... LOTTE We have to meet. MAXINE One hour. Craig hangs up, tapes Lotte's mouth. CRAIG I'll tell you all about it when I get home. Craig exits. Lotte fiddles with the ropes on her hands Elijah, slumped in the corner of the cage, blankly watches her moving hands. Suddenly his eyes narrow. Something is going on in his brain. We move slowly into his eyes. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. JUNGLE - DAY It is a memory: blurry and overexposed, the color washed out. We see a weathered wooden sign which reads "Africa." The sound of running feet, huffing frantic breathing. We watch from up in a tree (Elijah's POV) as two men in safari suits chase a couple of chimps across the jungle floor. The chimps are screaming as the safari men tackle them and tie them up. The safari men laugh. SAFARI MAN Well, there monkeys ain't going nowhere. Let's get us a couple a brews 'fore the boss comes back... The safari men leave the chimps on the ground. We descend from the trees to the ground next to the bound chimps. One of the chimps looks at the camera. He grunts and squeals. CHIMP ONE (DUBBED VOICE) Son, untie your mother and me! Quickly! Before the great bald chimp-men return. A small pair of chimp hands enter into the frame and struggle to untie the ropes, but to no avail. Chimp two speaks. CHIMP TWO (DUBBED VOICE) Hurry, Elijah! SAFARI MAN Why you little bastard! Elijah is wrestled to the ground amidst much screaming. DISSOLVE TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - DAY Elijah shakes off the memory and looks determinedly at the ropes on Lotte's hands. He attempts to untie the knot. He works furiously and succeeds. Lotte pulls the tape from her mouth. LOTTE Oh, Elijah, you are magnificent! Elijah beams and screams for ecstatic joy. Lotte unlocks the cage, and dials the phone. LOTTE Maxine! Listen: It hasn't been me in John the last three times. Craig's had me locked up in the apartment. He made me call you at gunpoint. It's been him! Oh, God, it's been him! MAXINE (O.S.) (beat, calmly) Really? Well, you know, he's quite good. I'm surprised. Anyway, I have a session with Malkovich I have to attend. I'll speak with you soon. LOTTE But Maxine, I thought it was me you loved. MAXINE (O.S.) I thought so too, doll. I guess we were mistaken. Maxine hangs up. Lotte, visibly shaken, dials the phone. LOTTE Hello, Dr. Lester? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT The doorbell rings. Malkovich answers it. Maxine stands there, dressed in an evening gown. MALKOVICH Come on in. MAXINE I can explain about the portal, darling. MALKOVICH Don't con me, Maxine. We're over. I just let you up here to tell you that, and to tell you that I'm taking you and Schwartz to court. MAXINE Oh shut up. (beat) Craig, darling are you in there? Malkovich tenses up, then shakes his head in an awkward, puppet-like manner. When Malkovich speaks, it seems to be against him will. MALKOVICH Yes. How did you know it was me? MAXINE Lotte called me. MALKOVICH Oh, so the bitch escaped. MAXINE Apparently you can control this Malkovich fellow now. MALKOVICH I'm getting better all the time. MAXINE I'll say you are. Let's do it on his kitchen table, then make him eat an omelette off of it. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich) No... damn... you... (as Craig) Oh shut up, you overrated sack of shit. Malkovich begins undressing, and does a lewd bump and grind while looking mortified. Maxine giggles. Malkovich (Craig) laughs wildly. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lester's hand is in a bloody bandage. The juicer sits on hi desk. Lotte sits across from him looking nervous and hollow-eyed. LESTER You know I think it pays to leave juice-making to the trained professionals. You look terrible, my dear. LOTTE Craig stole Maxine from me, Dr. Lester. LESTER Hmmm, a lesbian, are you? I must inform you that I find that highly arousing. LOTTE No, you don't understand. I've been inside Malkovich when I'm with Maxine... LESTER (slaps Lotte furiously) What?! That is not allowed. My God, you are supposed to be one of us. You know you must never partake of Malkovich by yourself! LOTTE No, I didn't know that. LESTER Oh, didn't anyone show you the indoctrination video? LOTTE No. LESTER Oh, sorry. Right this way. CUT TO: INT. SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT Lotte site next to Lester in the darkened auditorium. The projector whirs. The screen lights up. TITLE: SO YOU WANT TO BE JOHN MALKOVICH A much younger Lester addresses the camera in this black and white film, which seems to have been made in the 50's. LESTER ON FILM Welcome, my fellow Malkovichians. As you may already know, today a baby was born into this sad world. We see a shot of a newborn. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) His name is John Horatio Hannibal Malkovich. And we are the keepers of the door to his soul. One day, when his brain is big enough, we will all journey into his head and live there for all eternity. Following the teachings of our leader Karl Marx, we will build the ultimate communist community, one body and hundreds, maybe thousands, of brains inside working together to form a super human intellect capable of curing disease, stopping all war, and ruling the world with a benevolent fist. We will take a wife, a woman of uncommon beauty and intellect, who is, as yet, still an infant herself. We see a photo of another infant, this one with a ribbon in her hair. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) Her name is Floris Horatia Hannibella DeMent. LOTTE Does Floris know that she's the chosen? LESTER Well, I tried to explain it to her, but... Lester points to his ear and shrugs. CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine lie naked on the bed, looking quite relaxed. MAXINE You still there, sweets? MALKOVICH Yeah. I've figured out how to hold on as long as I want. Oddly enough, it's all in the wrists. MAXINE Wow. (little girl pout) Do a puppet show for me, Craig honey. MALKOVICH You mean with Malkovich? MAXINE I'd love to see your work. MALKOVICH (pleased) Really? Yeah. Okay. Malkovich leans over and kisses her, then gets up. MALKOVICH (CONT'D) I'll do something I call "Craig's Dance of Despair and Disillusionment." Malkovich performs the same dance that the Craig pupper did at the beginning of the film. It is exactly the same, complete with impossible somersaults and perspiring brow. He finishes by falling to his knees and weeping. MAXINE (moved) That was incredible. You're brilliant! MALKOVICH You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing with dolls. MAXINE You're right, my darling, it's so much more. It's playing with people! Malkovich kisses Maxine. She snuggles close to him. MAXINE Stay in him forever? MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, screaming) No! (as Craig, calmly) But how will we make a living, my love, if our clientele doesn't have access to our product? MAXINE Well, we'll have all the money in Malkovich's bank account, plus he still gets acting work occasionally. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, breaking through) No! Please! (as Craig, to Malkovich) Shut up, will you? We're trying to think here. (to Maxine) It is sort of like being a puppeteer. I like that about it. MAXINE No one would ever have to know its not him. MALKOVICH (an idea) Wait a minute! What if everybody knew? What if we presented Malkovich as the world's most complicated puppet and me as the only puppeteer sophisticated enough to work him? We'd wipe the floor with the Great Mantini! MAXINE Oh, Craiggy, that's brilliant! CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S SHRINE ROOM - NIGHT The worshippers are assembled. Lotte stands before them. LOTTE I have sinned, unwittingly, against the community. And for this I am truly sorry. MAN #2 W-w-what's it like on the inside? LOTTE Oh, it's glorious. It's indescribable. MAN #2 Oooh, I wanna go. I wanna go. I say it's time. LESTER Perhaps you're right, Terry. We're all prepared, and perhaps this Schwartz fellow is forcing our hand a bit. We will enter the portal tonight! Everyone cheers. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich are furiously filling the portal with cement. Suddenly Malkovich stops and runs to the office door screaming a bloodcurdling scream. He stops just as suddenly, begins to strangle himself. MALKOVICH (Craig to Malkovich) Shut up! (to Maxine) Sorry, dear, I lost control for a minute. MAXINE (kissing him) It's okay, my sweet. They go back to filling the portal. There is the sound of many shuffling feet in the hallway. The door flies open and the Malkovichians led by Lester and Lotte burst in. Malkovich and Maxine turn with a start. LESTER Aaaahhhh, the portal! LOTTE (to Malkovich) You bastard! Lotte lunges for Malkovich. Lester grabs her arm, holds her back. LESTER No! Don't harm the vessel! LOTTE It's Craig in there, I can tell. LESTER I understand, but we must protect the vessel at all costs. (to Malkovich) Please, Craig, please step aside and allow us to have what is rightfully ours. CRAIG Squatter's rights, Lester. Craig laughs somewhat maniacally. Maxine slips her arm through Craig's, joins him in his laughter, and glances triumphantly over at Lotte. MAXINE Now excuse us, we have an entertainment legend to create. LESTER (to the cult members) Clear the way for them, my friends. They will be dealt with in due time. The Malkovichians grumble and let Malkovich and Maxine exit. LESTER (CONT'D) Now, let's see what we can do to salvage this portal... for the sake of all that is good. The Malkovichians converge on the sealed portal, and begin clawing desperately at the quick-drying cement. Fingers are scraped raw, and we see smears of blood and skin on the rough gray surface. CUT TO: INT. AGENT'S OFFICE - DAY A slick-looking agent answers a buzzing phone. AGENT Of course, send him right in. Don't ever keep him waiting again. Do you understand? Malkovich and Maxine enter. The agent stands, holds out his hand. AGENT (CONT'D) John! Great to see you! Sorry about the cunt at reception. MALKOVICH This is my fiancee Maxine. The agent shakes Maxine's hand. AGENT Great to see you, Maxine. Sorry about the cunt at reception. Please have a seat. Malkovich and Maxine sit. AGENT (CONT'D) Can I get you anything? Coffee? Water? MAXINE No thanks. AGENT (into phone) Teresa, get me a chicken soup. (to Malkovich and Maxine) Chicken soup? Maxine and Malkovich shake their heads "no." MALKOVICH I'll get right to the point, Larry. I'm a puppet now... AGENT Okay. MALKOVICH I'm being controlled by the world's greatest puppeteer, Craig Schwartz... AGENT (no clue) Oh yeah, he's good. MALKOVICH ... and I want to show off his skills by performing a one-puppet extravaganza in Reno. MAXINE Vegas. MALKOVICH Vegas. Can you arrange that? AGENT Sure, sure. Just let me

against

How many times the word 'against' appears in the text?

CRAIG What's that? LOTTE (beat) Us, of course. Craig looks up from his packing. He and Lotte stare at each other for a long while. CRAIG (tenderly) Oh, Lot... They hug. CRAIG (CONT'D) What about Maxine? LOTTE Fuck Maxine. CRAIG We wish. They look at each other and laugh, them fall back into the embrace. They both get faraway looks in their eyes. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S GARAGE - NIGHT The clock reads 3:00 AM. Craig, in his pajamas, is working the Craig and Maxine puppets. They make love on the bare puppet stage. Craig seems possessed. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS The phone rings. Maxine sleepily picks it up. MAXINE Yes? LOTTE (O.S.) I have to see you. Can you call him and invite us over? MAXINE When? LOTTE (O.S.) Give me one hour to get inside him Exactly. Maxine checks her alarm clock. The time is 3:11 AM. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S CAR - NIGHT Lotte drives. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - A BIT LATER The doorbell rings. Maxine, in a sheer black nightgown, answers it. John Malkovich stands there. MAXINE Thanks so much for coming over. MALKOVICH Oh, I'm really glad you called. Maxine gestures for him to enter. As Malkovich passes by her, she checks the wall clock. The time is 3:50. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lotte sits on the floor in the dark. She leans, out of breath, against the wall next to the portal and checks her watch. The time is 4:10. She pulls open the door. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich sit a bit awkwardly next to each other on the couch. MAXINE So, do you enjoy being an actor? MALKOVICH Oh sure. It's very rewarding... The digital clock on the VCR clicks over to 4:11 AM. Maxine's look softens, and she kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. He seems surprised, but quickly warms to it. We shift top Malkovich's POV as Maxine begins to unbutton Malkovich's shirt. LOTTE (V.O.) Oh my darling. Oh my sweetheart. MAXINE I love you, Lotte. LOTTE (V.O.) Maxine... MALKOVICH (stopping) I'm sorry, did you just call me "Lotte"? MAXINE Do you mind? MALKOVICH (thinking) No, I guess not. I'm an actor. They get back to it. MAXINE Oh, my sweet, beautiful Lotte. MALKOVICH (thinks he's playing along) Yes, Maxine, yes. LOTTE (V.O.) This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT A sweaty and spent Craig sneaks back into the bedroom. He sees that the bed is empty. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT With a gasp and a wail of release, Lotte pops into the ditch. She is soaking wet and breathes heavily. She just lies there. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S KITCHEN - MORNING Craig is hunched over a cup of coffee. The front door can be heard to open. After a moment Lotte appears in the kitchen doorway. She is caked with dirt. Craig looks up at her. CRAIG You were him last night, weren't you? LOTTE (quietly) Yes. CRAIG And he was with her. LOTTE We love her, Craig. I'm sorry. CRAIG We? LOTTE Me and John. CRAIG Don't forget me. LOTTE Well, you have the Maxine action figure to play with. Craig looks down at his coffee. LOTTE (CONT'D) I'm sorry. That was nasty. CRAIG Life is confusing, isn't it? LOTTE Sometimes we're forced to make hard decisions. (beat) I'd like for us to stay together, Craig. You know, platonically, if that's possible. I truly value our friendship. CRAIG I feel that somehow my parents never prepared me to make this particular decision. Not that I blame them. How could they know? Today's world is so complicated. (beat) No. I have to go away now. I'm sorry, Lotte. I'm so sorry. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - MORNING Craig enters with red-rimmed eyes. Maxine sits at her desk, actually looking kind of radiant. MAXINE You're late. CRAIG Are you torturing me on purpose? MAXINE (matter of fact) I've fallen in love. CRAIG I don't think so. I've fallen in love. This is what people who've fallen in love look like. MAXINE You picked the unrequited variety. Very bad for the skin. CRAIG You're evil, Maxine. MAXINE Do you have any idea what its like to have two people look at you with total lust and devotion through the same pair of eyes? No I don't suppose you would. It's quite a thrill, Craig. Craig turns and walks out the door. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY 7 1/2 FLOOR - CONTINUOUS Craig hurries past a long line of fat people, all looking eager, all clutching cash. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - MORNING Lester sits at his desk. The intercom buzzes. LESTER (depressing switch) Yes, my dear? FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Someone names A Lot of Warts on line two. LESTER Thank you, Floris. FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Think, Jew florist? LESTER (pressing line 2) Good morning, Lotte! LOTTE (O.S.) Dr. Lester, everything's falling apart. CUT TO: INT. GUN SHOP - MORNING Craig is at the counter buying a pistol. CUT TO: INT. JUICY-JUICE JUICE BAR - MORNING Lester and Lotte sit at a table. They both have really large glasses of carrot juice in front of them. LOTTE I blew it, Dr. Lester. LESTER You followed your heart, my child, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. LOTTE But now we've lost access to Craig. LESTER (laughs) My child, I don't think its a great mystery what Craig's up to. CUT TO: CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY Craig stands still and tense, with gun in hand. We hear the front door unlock. Lotte enters. She does not see Craig. He grabs her from behind as she passes. Lotte screams. Craig holds the gun to her head. LOTTE I'm your Goddamn wife. Once you vowed to cherish me forever. Now you hold a gun to my head? CRAIG Yeah, well welcome to the nineties. LOTTE Suck my dick! CRAIG (slapping her) Shut up! Lotte is stunned. She feels the muzzle against her forehead. She shuts up. Keeping the gun trained on Lotte, Craig dials the phone. He hands the receiver to her. He holds his ear to the receiver also. CRAIG (CONT'D) Tell her you need to see her. LOTTE (to Craig) You bastard. Craig cocks the pistol. MAXINE (V.O.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone else can be. LOTTE (looking at Craig) I have to see you. MAXINE (V.O.) Sweetie! Oh, but we can't. It's business hours. I need to keep the membranous tunnel open for paying customers. CRAIG (sotto) Tell her, what the hell, close early today, live dangerously. LOTTE What the hell, darling. Close early today, live dangerously. MAXINE (V.O.) Oooh, doll. I love this new devil-may-care side of you. Alrighty, I'll track down Lover-boy, and I'll see both of you in one hour. Exactamundo. Maxine hangs up. Lotte hands the phone to Craig, who hangs it up. Craig opens up the big cage where Elijah is housed, and motions with the gun for Lotte to enter. LOTTE (screaming) Help! He's locking me in a cage! Craig slaps Lotte hard. She looks at him, almost sadly. NEIGHBOR Shut up! PARROT Shut up! CRAIG Lesson number one: Be careful what you teach your parrot. Craig tapes Lotte's mouth, ties her hands and feet. Elijah watches him tie her. He becomes somewhat agitated, and holds his stomach. CUT TO: INT. BROADHURST THEATER - DAY Malkovich is rehearsing some business on stage. Maxine watches from the house. She anxiously checks her watch, then points to it so Malkovich can see. MALKOVICH Tommy, can I take fifteen? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on the make-up table, against the mirror. MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Oh, sweetie... We now watch the scene from Malkovich's POV. MALKOVICH Maxine... CRAIG (V.O.) I can't believe it. This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - DAY Craig is toweling himself off, hurriedly combing his hair. Maxine enters. CRAIG You're glowing again. MAXINE A girl has a right to glow if she wants. It's in the fucking constitution. Maxine sits. Craig smiles to himself. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING Craig is feeding the various caged animals. He puts two plates of food in Elijah's cage. Lotte is ungagged and unbound now. She eats as Craig slumps down next to the cage, gun in hand. CRAIG It was lovely being you being Malkovich, my dear. I'd never seen the passionate side of sweet Maxine before, or her actual tits for that matter. If only, I've been thinking to myself, if only I could actually feel what Malkovich feels, rather than just see what he sees... And then, dare I say it, if only I could control his arms, his legs, his pelvis, and make them do my bidding. LOTTE It'll never happen, fuckface. CRAIG Ah, but you're forgetting one thing, Lambchop. LOTTE What's that? CRAIG I'm a puppeteer. Craig picks up the phone and dials. He smiles as he holds the receiver up to Lotte's face. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on Maxine's couch. MAXINE Lotte, this is so good... CRAIG (V.O.) (tense, commanding) Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Malkovich clumsily, awkwardly moves his hand across Maxine's breast. CRAIG (V.O.) (CONT'D) Holy shit, yes! MALKOVICH Holy shit, yes! CRAIG (V.O.) Holy shit! He said what I said! MALKOVICH Holy shit! He said what I said! MAXINE Lotte? Is that you? CRAIG (V.O.) Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! MALKOVICH Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! (scared) What the fuck is going on? I'm not talking. This is not me! MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Maxine kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. There is a sucking sound. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT There is a pop and Craig lands in the ditch. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT A panicked Malkovich is pulling on his clothes. MALKOVICH Something was making me talk. Some Goddamn thing was making me move. I gotta get out of here. MAXINE Oh, Dollface, it was just your passion for me taking hold. MALKOVICH No, Dollface, I know what my passion taking hold feels like. I gotta go. He leaves. Maxine falls back on the couch and sighs contentedly. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT A wet, mess Craig sits next to Lotte's cage. Lotte is bound and gagged. CRAIG I did it, sweetie. I moved his arm across your girlfriend's glorious tit. I made him talk. And, oh, there was the beginning of sensation in the fingertips. Ummmm-mmmm! It's just a matter of practice before Malkovich becomes nothing more than another puppet hanging next to my worktable. Coffee? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich paces nervously, a glass of whisky in his hand. Kevin Bacon sits on the couch and fiddles with a Rubic's Cube. MALKOVICH It's like nothing I've ever felt before. I think I'm going crazy. KEVIN BACON I'm sure you're not going crazy. MALKOVICH Kevin, I'm telling you... it was like nothing I've... KEVIN BACON Yeah yeah yeah. Yadda yadda yadda. Were you stoned? MALKOVICH Yes, but you see, someone else was talking through my mouth. KEVIN BACON You were stoned. Case closed. End of story. How hot is this babe? MALKOVICH I think it might've been this Lotte woman talking through me. Maxine likes to call me Lotte. KEVIN BACON Ouch. Now that's hot. She's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover. Let me know when you're done with her. This is my type of chick. MALKOVICH I'm done with her now. Tonight really creeped me out. KEVIN BACON You're crazy to let go of a chick who calls you Lotte. I tell you that as a friend. MALKOVICH I don't know anything about her. What if she's some sort of witch or something? KEVIN BACON All the better. Hey, Hot Lesbian Witches, next Geraldo, buddy boy. Ha ha ha. MALKOVICH I gotta know the truth, Kevin. KEVIN BACON The truth is for suckers, Johnny-Boy. CUT TO: EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING Malkovich, in a baseball cap and sunglasses, leans against the wall. After a moment, Maxine emerges from the building and walks down the block. Malkovich follows at a safe distance. CUT TO: INT. 7 1/2 FLOOR - MORNING The elevator doors are pried open. It's packed. Maxine and a few other people climb out. The last to emerge is Malkovich. He is astounded by the dimensions of the floor. He turns the corner and sees the long line of crouching fat people. Maxine goes into the office and closes the door. Maxine sees "J.M. Inc." stenciled on the office door. He turns to the first fat man and line. MALKOVICH Excuse me, what type of service does this company provide? FAT MAN You get to be John Malkovich for fifteen minutes. Two hundred clams. MALKOVICH (quietly flipped) I see. FAT MAN No cutting, by the way. Malkovich pounds on the door. FAT MAN (CONT'D) No cutting! Several fat people jump on Malkovich, and start beating him. Craig steps out of the office. CRAIG Hey! Break it up! Break it up! Everybody gets a chance to be... The fat people climb off Malkovich. His glasses and cap have been knocked off and everyone recognizes him. FAT MAN It's him! Oh, we're so sorry Mr. Malkovich! I hope me and my associates from Overeaters Anonymous didn't hurt you too terribly. MALKOVICH (to Craig) Inside. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Craig and Malkovich enter. Maxine looks up, startled, but controlling it. MAXINE Darling! MALKOVICH What the fuck is going on? CRAIG Mr. Malkovich, my name is Craig Schwartz. I can explain. We operate a little business her that... simulates, for our clientele, the experience of... being you, actually. MALKOVICH Simulates? CRAIG Sure, after a fashion. MALKOVICH Let me try. CRAIG You? Why I'm sure it would pale in comparison to the actual experience. MALKOVICH Let me try! MAXINE Let him try. CRAIG Of course, right this way, Mr. Malkovich. Compliments of the house. Craig ushers Malkovich to the portal door, opens it. MALKOVICH (repulsed by the slime) Jesus. Malkovich climbs in. The door closes. CRAIG What happens when a man climbs through his own portal? MAXINE (shrugs) How the hell would I know? I wasn't a philosophy major. CUT TO: INT. MEMBRANOUS TUNNEL - DAY Malkovich crawls through. It's murky. He's tense. Suddenly there is a slurping sound. CUT TO: PSYCHEDELIC MONTAGE We see Malkovich hurtling through different environments. It's scary: giant toads, swirling eddies of garish, colored lights, naked old people pointing and laughing, black velvet clown paintings. CUT TO: INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT Malkovich pops into a chair in a swakn night club. He's wearing a tuxedo. The woman across the table from him is also Malkovich, but in a gown. He looks around the restaurant. Everyone is Malkovich in different clothes. Malkovich is panicked. The girl Malkovich across the table looks at him seductively, winks and talks. GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich looks confused. The Malkovich waiter approaches, pen and pad in hand, ready to take their orders. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich? GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich. (Turning to Malkovich) Malkovich? Malkovich looks down at the menu. Every item is "Malkovich." He screams: MALKOVICH Malkovich! The waiter jots it down on his pad. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich. Malkovich pushes himself away from the table and runs for the exit. He passes the stage where a girl singer Malkovich is singin sensuously into the microphone. She is backed by a '40's style big band of Malkoviches. SINGING MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich flies through the back door. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - DAY Malkovich lands with a thud in the ditch. Craig is waiting there with his van. On its side is painted "See The World in Malk-O-Vision" followed by a phone number. Malkovich is huddled and shivering and soaking wet. CRAIG So how was it? MALKOVICH That... was... no... simulation. CRAIG I know. I'm sorry... MALKOVICH I have been to the dark side. I have seen a world that no man should ever see. CRAIG Really? For most people it's a rather pleasant experience. What exactly did you... MALKOVICH This portal is mine and must be sealed up forever. For the love of God. CRAIG With all respect, sir, I discovered that portal. Its my livelihood. MALKOVICH It's my head, Schwartz, and I'll see you in court! Malkovich trudges off along the shoulder of the turnpike. CRAIG (calling after him) And who's to say I won't be seeing what you're seeing... in court? Cars whiz by Malkovich. Someone yells from a passing car. MOTORIST Hey, Malkovich! Think fast! Malkovich looks up. A beer can comes flying out of the car and hits him on the head. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Craig is feeding the animals. His gun is stuck in his pants. He gets to Lotte's cage. She is bound but ungagged. She looks haggard. LOTTE Once this was a relationship based on love. Now you have me in a cage with a monkey and a gun to my head. CRAIG Things change. Anyway, you gave up your claim to that love the first time you stuck your dick in Maxine. LOTTE You fell in love with her first. CRAIG Yeah but I didn't do anything about it. Out of respect for our marriage. LOTTE You didn't do anything about it out of respect for the fact that she wouldn't let you near her with a ten foot pole, which is, by the way, about nine feet, nine inches off the mark anyway. CRAIG (beat) That's true. Oh, God, Lotte, what have I become? My wife in a cage with a monkey. A gun in my hand. Betrayal in my heart. LOTTE Maybe this is what you've always been, Craig, you just never faced it before. CRAIG Perhaps you're right. I can't let you go though. Too much has happened. You're my ace in the hole. LOTTE I need a shower. CRAIG I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry. I'm some kind of monster. I'm the guy you read about in the paper and go, "he's some kind of monster." LOTTE You're not a monster, Craig. Just a confused man. CRAIG I love you so much. She dials her phone, opens her cage, puts phone to her ear. CRAIG (CONT'D) But I gotta go now. I've got to go be Johnny. MAXINE (O.S.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone... LOTTE We have to meet. MAXINE One hour. Craig hangs up, tapes Lotte's mouth. CRAIG I'll tell you all about it when I get home. Craig exits. Lotte fiddles with the ropes on her hands Elijah, slumped in the corner of the cage, blankly watches her moving hands. Suddenly his eyes narrow. Something is going on in his brain. We move slowly into his eyes. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. JUNGLE - DAY It is a memory: blurry and overexposed, the color washed out. We see a weathered wooden sign which reads "Africa." The sound of running feet, huffing frantic breathing. We watch from up in a tree (Elijah's POV) as two men in safari suits chase a couple of chimps across the jungle floor. The chimps are screaming as the safari men tackle them and tie them up. The safari men laugh. SAFARI MAN Well, there monkeys ain't going nowhere. Let's get us a couple a brews 'fore the boss comes back... The safari men leave the chimps on the ground. We descend from the trees to the ground next to the bound chimps. One of the chimps looks at the camera. He grunts and squeals. CHIMP ONE (DUBBED VOICE) Son, untie your mother and me! Quickly! Before the great bald chimp-men return. A small pair of chimp hands enter into the frame and struggle to untie the ropes, but to no avail. Chimp two speaks. CHIMP TWO (DUBBED VOICE) Hurry, Elijah! SAFARI MAN Why you little bastard! Elijah is wrestled to the ground amidst much screaming. DISSOLVE TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - DAY Elijah shakes off the memory and looks determinedly at the ropes on Lotte's hands. He attempts to untie the knot. He works furiously and succeeds. Lotte pulls the tape from her mouth. LOTTE Oh, Elijah, you are magnificent! Elijah beams and screams for ecstatic joy. Lotte unlocks the cage, and dials the phone. LOTTE Maxine! Listen: It hasn't been me in John the last three times. Craig's had me locked up in the apartment. He made me call you at gunpoint. It's been him! Oh, God, it's been him! MAXINE (O.S.) (beat, calmly) Really? Well, you know, he's quite good. I'm surprised. Anyway, I have a session with Malkovich I have to attend. I'll speak with you soon. LOTTE But Maxine, I thought it was me you loved. MAXINE (O.S.) I thought so too, doll. I guess we were mistaken. Maxine hangs up. Lotte, visibly shaken, dials the phone. LOTTE Hello, Dr. Lester? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT The doorbell rings. Malkovich answers it. Maxine stands there, dressed in an evening gown. MALKOVICH Come on in. MAXINE I can explain about the portal, darling. MALKOVICH Don't con me, Maxine. We're over. I just let you up here to tell you that, and to tell you that I'm taking you and Schwartz to court. MAXINE Oh shut up. (beat) Craig, darling are you in there? Malkovich tenses up, then shakes his head in an awkward, puppet-like manner. When Malkovich speaks, it seems to be against him will. MALKOVICH Yes. How did you know it was me? MAXINE Lotte called me. MALKOVICH Oh, so the bitch escaped. MAXINE Apparently you can control this Malkovich fellow now. MALKOVICH I'm getting better all the time. MAXINE I'll say you are. Let's do it on his kitchen table, then make him eat an omelette off of it. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich) No... damn... you... (as Craig) Oh shut up, you overrated sack of shit. Malkovich begins undressing, and does a lewd bump and grind while looking mortified. Maxine giggles. Malkovich (Craig) laughs wildly. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lester's hand is in a bloody bandage. The juicer sits on hi desk. Lotte sits across from him looking nervous and hollow-eyed. LESTER You know I think it pays to leave juice-making to the trained professionals. You look terrible, my dear. LOTTE Craig stole Maxine from me, Dr. Lester. LESTER Hmmm, a lesbian, are you? I must inform you that I find that highly arousing. LOTTE No, you don't understand. I've been inside Malkovich when I'm with Maxine... LESTER (slaps Lotte furiously) What?! That is not allowed. My God, you are supposed to be one of us. You know you must never partake of Malkovich by yourself! LOTTE No, I didn't know that. LESTER Oh, didn't anyone show you the indoctrination video? LOTTE No. LESTER Oh, sorry. Right this way. CUT TO: INT. SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT Lotte site next to Lester in the darkened auditorium. The projector whirs. The screen lights up. TITLE: SO YOU WANT TO BE JOHN MALKOVICH A much younger Lester addresses the camera in this black and white film, which seems to have been made in the 50's. LESTER ON FILM Welcome, my fellow Malkovichians. As you may already know, today a baby was born into this sad world. We see a shot of a newborn. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) His name is John Horatio Hannibal Malkovich. And we are the keepers of the door to his soul. One day, when his brain is big enough, we will all journey into his head and live there for all eternity. Following the teachings of our leader Karl Marx, we will build the ultimate communist community, one body and hundreds, maybe thousands, of brains inside working together to form a super human intellect capable of curing disease, stopping all war, and ruling the world with a benevolent fist. We will take a wife, a woman of uncommon beauty and intellect, who is, as yet, still an infant herself. We see a photo of another infant, this one with a ribbon in her hair. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) Her name is Floris Horatia Hannibella DeMent. LOTTE Does Floris know that she's the chosen? LESTER Well, I tried to explain it to her, but... Lester points to his ear and shrugs. CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine lie naked on the bed, looking quite relaxed. MAXINE You still there, sweets? MALKOVICH Yeah. I've figured out how to hold on as long as I want. Oddly enough, it's all in the wrists. MAXINE Wow. (little girl pout) Do a puppet show for me, Craig honey. MALKOVICH You mean with Malkovich? MAXINE I'd love to see your work. MALKOVICH (pleased) Really? Yeah. Okay. Malkovich leans over and kisses her, then gets up. MALKOVICH (CONT'D) I'll do something I call "Craig's Dance of Despair and Disillusionment." Malkovich performs the same dance that the Craig pupper did at the beginning of the film. It is exactly the same, complete with impossible somersaults and perspiring brow. He finishes by falling to his knees and weeping. MAXINE (moved) That was incredible. You're brilliant! MALKOVICH You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing with dolls. MAXINE You're right, my darling, it's so much more. It's playing with people! Malkovich kisses Maxine. She snuggles close to him. MAXINE Stay in him forever? MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, screaming) No! (as Craig, calmly) But how will we make a living, my love, if our clientele doesn't have access to our product? MAXINE Well, we'll have all the money in Malkovich's bank account, plus he still gets acting work occasionally. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, breaking through) No! Please! (as Craig, to Malkovich) Shut up, will you? We're trying to think here. (to Maxine) It is sort of like being a puppeteer. I like that about it. MAXINE No one would ever have to know its not him. MALKOVICH (an idea) Wait a minute! What if everybody knew? What if we presented Malkovich as the world's most complicated puppet and me as the only puppeteer sophisticated enough to work him? We'd wipe the floor with the Great Mantini! MAXINE Oh, Craiggy, that's brilliant! CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S SHRINE ROOM - NIGHT The worshippers are assembled. Lotte stands before them. LOTTE I have sinned, unwittingly, against the community. And for this I am truly sorry. MAN #2 W-w-what's it like on the inside? LOTTE Oh, it's glorious. It's indescribable. MAN #2 Oooh, I wanna go. I wanna go. I say it's time. LESTER Perhaps you're right, Terry. We're all prepared, and perhaps this Schwartz fellow is forcing our hand a bit. We will enter the portal tonight! Everyone cheers. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich are furiously filling the portal with cement. Suddenly Malkovich stops and runs to the office door screaming a bloodcurdling scream. He stops just as suddenly, begins to strangle himself. MALKOVICH (Craig to Malkovich) Shut up! (to Maxine) Sorry, dear, I lost control for a minute. MAXINE (kissing him) It's okay, my sweet. They go back to filling the portal. There is the sound of many shuffling feet in the hallway. The door flies open and the Malkovichians led by Lester and Lotte burst in. Malkovich and Maxine turn with a start. LESTER Aaaahhhh, the portal! LOTTE (to Malkovich) You bastard! Lotte lunges for Malkovich. Lester grabs her arm, holds her back. LESTER No! Don't harm the vessel! LOTTE It's Craig in there, I can tell. LESTER I understand, but we must protect the vessel at all costs. (to Malkovich) Please, Craig, please step aside and allow us to have what is rightfully ours. CRAIG Squatter's rights, Lester. Craig laughs somewhat maniacally. Maxine slips her arm through Craig's, joins him in his laughter, and glances triumphantly over at Lotte. MAXINE Now excuse us, we have an entertainment legend to create. LESTER (to the cult members) Clear the way for them, my friends. They will be dealt with in due time. The Malkovichians grumble and let Malkovich and Maxine exit. LESTER (CONT'D) Now, let's see what we can do to salvage this portal... for the sake of all that is good. The Malkovichians converge on the sealed portal, and begin clawing desperately at the quick-drying cement. Fingers are scraped raw, and we see smears of blood and skin on the rough gray surface. CUT TO: INT. AGENT'S OFFICE - DAY A slick-looking agent answers a buzzing phone. AGENT Of course, send him right in. Don't ever keep him waiting again. Do you understand? Malkovich and Maxine enter. The agent stands, holds out his hand. AGENT (CONT'D) John! Great to see you! Sorry about the cunt at reception. MALKOVICH This is my fiancee Maxine. The agent shakes Maxine's hand. AGENT Great to see you, Maxine. Sorry about the cunt at reception. Please have a seat. Malkovich and Maxine sit. AGENT (CONT'D) Can I get you anything? Coffee? Water? MAXINE No thanks. AGENT (into phone) Teresa, get me a chicken soup. (to Malkovich and Maxine) Chicken soup? Maxine and Malkovich shake their heads "no." MALKOVICH I'll get right to the point, Larry. I'm a puppet now... AGENT Okay. MALKOVICH I'm being controlled by the world's greatest puppeteer, Craig Schwartz... AGENT (no clue) Oh yeah, he's good. MALKOVICH ... and I want to show off his skills by performing a one-puppet extravaganza in Reno. MAXINE Vegas. MALKOVICH Vegas. Can you arrange that? AGENT Sure, sure. Just let me

cap

How many times the word 'cap' appears in the text?

CRAIG What's that? LOTTE (beat) Us, of course. Craig looks up from his packing. He and Lotte stare at each other for a long while. CRAIG (tenderly) Oh, Lot... They hug. CRAIG (CONT'D) What about Maxine? LOTTE Fuck Maxine. CRAIG We wish. They look at each other and laugh, them fall back into the embrace. They both get faraway looks in their eyes. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S GARAGE - NIGHT The clock reads 3:00 AM. Craig, in his pajamas, is working the Craig and Maxine puppets. They make love on the bare puppet stage. Craig seems possessed. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS The phone rings. Maxine sleepily picks it up. MAXINE Yes? LOTTE (O.S.) I have to see you. Can you call him and invite us over? MAXINE When? LOTTE (O.S.) Give me one hour to get inside him Exactly. Maxine checks her alarm clock. The time is 3:11 AM. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S CAR - NIGHT Lotte drives. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - A BIT LATER The doorbell rings. Maxine, in a sheer black nightgown, answers it. John Malkovich stands there. MAXINE Thanks so much for coming over. MALKOVICH Oh, I'm really glad you called. Maxine gestures for him to enter. As Malkovich passes by her, she checks the wall clock. The time is 3:50. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lotte sits on the floor in the dark. She leans, out of breath, against the wall next to the portal and checks her watch. The time is 4:10. She pulls open the door. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich sit a bit awkwardly next to each other on the couch. MAXINE So, do you enjoy being an actor? MALKOVICH Oh sure. It's very rewarding... The digital clock on the VCR clicks over to 4:11 AM. Maxine's look softens, and she kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. He seems surprised, but quickly warms to it. We shift top Malkovich's POV as Maxine begins to unbutton Malkovich's shirt. LOTTE (V.O.) Oh my darling. Oh my sweetheart. MAXINE I love you, Lotte. LOTTE (V.O.) Maxine... MALKOVICH (stopping) I'm sorry, did you just call me "Lotte"? MAXINE Do you mind? MALKOVICH (thinking) No, I guess not. I'm an actor. They get back to it. MAXINE Oh, my sweet, beautiful Lotte. MALKOVICH (thinks he's playing along) Yes, Maxine, yes. LOTTE (V.O.) This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT A sweaty and spent Craig sneaks back into the bedroom. He sees that the bed is empty. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT With a gasp and a wail of release, Lotte pops into the ditch. She is soaking wet and breathes heavily. She just lies there. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S KITCHEN - MORNING Craig is hunched over a cup of coffee. The front door can be heard to open. After a moment Lotte appears in the kitchen doorway. She is caked with dirt. Craig looks up at her. CRAIG You were him last night, weren't you? LOTTE (quietly) Yes. CRAIG And he was with her. LOTTE We love her, Craig. I'm sorry. CRAIG We? LOTTE Me and John. CRAIG Don't forget me. LOTTE Well, you have the Maxine action figure to play with. Craig looks down at his coffee. LOTTE (CONT'D) I'm sorry. That was nasty. CRAIG Life is confusing, isn't it? LOTTE Sometimes we're forced to make hard decisions. (beat) I'd like for us to stay together, Craig. You know, platonically, if that's possible. I truly value our friendship. CRAIG I feel that somehow my parents never prepared me to make this particular decision. Not that I blame them. How could they know? Today's world is so complicated. (beat) No. I have to go away now. I'm sorry, Lotte. I'm so sorry. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - MORNING Craig enters with red-rimmed eyes. Maxine sits at her desk, actually looking kind of radiant. MAXINE You're late. CRAIG Are you torturing me on purpose? MAXINE (matter of fact) I've fallen in love. CRAIG I don't think so. I've fallen in love. This is what people who've fallen in love look like. MAXINE You picked the unrequited variety. Very bad for the skin. CRAIG You're evil, Maxine. MAXINE Do you have any idea what its like to have two people look at you with total lust and devotion through the same pair of eyes? No I don't suppose you would. It's quite a thrill, Craig. Craig turns and walks out the door. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY 7 1/2 FLOOR - CONTINUOUS Craig hurries past a long line of fat people, all looking eager, all clutching cash. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - MORNING Lester sits at his desk. The intercom buzzes. LESTER (depressing switch) Yes, my dear? FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Someone names A Lot of Warts on line two. LESTER Thank you, Floris. FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Think, Jew florist? LESTER (pressing line 2) Good morning, Lotte! LOTTE (O.S.) Dr. Lester, everything's falling apart. CUT TO: INT. GUN SHOP - MORNING Craig is at the counter buying a pistol. CUT TO: INT. JUICY-JUICE JUICE BAR - MORNING Lester and Lotte sit at a table. They both have really large glasses of carrot juice in front of them. LOTTE I blew it, Dr. Lester. LESTER You followed your heart, my child, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. LOTTE But now we've lost access to Craig. LESTER (laughs) My child, I don't think its a great mystery what Craig's up to. CUT TO: CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY Craig stands still and tense, with gun in hand. We hear the front door unlock. Lotte enters. She does not see Craig. He grabs her from behind as she passes. Lotte screams. Craig holds the gun to her head. LOTTE I'm your Goddamn wife. Once you vowed to cherish me forever. Now you hold a gun to my head? CRAIG Yeah, well welcome to the nineties. LOTTE Suck my dick! CRAIG (slapping her) Shut up! Lotte is stunned. She feels the muzzle against her forehead. She shuts up. Keeping the gun trained on Lotte, Craig dials the phone. He hands the receiver to her. He holds his ear to the receiver also. CRAIG (CONT'D) Tell her you need to see her. LOTTE (to Craig) You bastard. Craig cocks the pistol. MAXINE (V.O.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone else can be. LOTTE (looking at Craig) I have to see you. MAXINE (V.O.) Sweetie! Oh, but we can't. It's business hours. I need to keep the membranous tunnel open for paying customers. CRAIG (sotto) Tell her, what the hell, close early today, live dangerously. LOTTE What the hell, darling. Close early today, live dangerously. MAXINE (V.O.) Oooh, doll. I love this new devil-may-care side of you. Alrighty, I'll track down Lover-boy, and I'll see both of you in one hour. Exactamundo. Maxine hangs up. Lotte hands the phone to Craig, who hangs it up. Craig opens up the big cage where Elijah is housed, and motions with the gun for Lotte to enter. LOTTE (screaming) Help! He's locking me in a cage! Craig slaps Lotte hard. She looks at him, almost sadly. NEIGHBOR Shut up! PARROT Shut up! CRAIG Lesson number one: Be careful what you teach your parrot. Craig tapes Lotte's mouth, ties her hands and feet. Elijah watches him tie her. He becomes somewhat agitated, and holds his stomach. CUT TO: INT. BROADHURST THEATER - DAY Malkovich is rehearsing some business on stage. Maxine watches from the house. She anxiously checks her watch, then points to it so Malkovich can see. MALKOVICH Tommy, can I take fifteen? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on the make-up table, against the mirror. MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Oh, sweetie... We now watch the scene from Malkovich's POV. MALKOVICH Maxine... CRAIG (V.O.) I can't believe it. This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - DAY Craig is toweling himself off, hurriedly combing his hair. Maxine enters. CRAIG You're glowing again. MAXINE A girl has a right to glow if she wants. It's in the fucking constitution. Maxine sits. Craig smiles to himself. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING Craig is feeding the various caged animals. He puts two plates of food in Elijah's cage. Lotte is ungagged and unbound now. She eats as Craig slumps down next to the cage, gun in hand. CRAIG It was lovely being you being Malkovich, my dear. I'd never seen the passionate side of sweet Maxine before, or her actual tits for that matter. If only, I've been thinking to myself, if only I could actually feel what Malkovich feels, rather than just see what he sees... And then, dare I say it, if only I could control his arms, his legs, his pelvis, and make them do my bidding. LOTTE It'll never happen, fuckface. CRAIG Ah, but you're forgetting one thing, Lambchop. LOTTE What's that? CRAIG I'm a puppeteer. Craig picks up the phone and dials. He smiles as he holds the receiver up to Lotte's face. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on Maxine's couch. MAXINE Lotte, this is so good... CRAIG (V.O.) (tense, commanding) Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Malkovich clumsily, awkwardly moves his hand across Maxine's breast. CRAIG (V.O.) (CONT'D) Holy shit, yes! MALKOVICH Holy shit, yes! CRAIG (V.O.) Holy shit! He said what I said! MALKOVICH Holy shit! He said what I said! MAXINE Lotte? Is that you? CRAIG (V.O.) Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! MALKOVICH Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! (scared) What the fuck is going on? I'm not talking. This is not me! MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Maxine kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. There is a sucking sound. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT There is a pop and Craig lands in the ditch. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT A panicked Malkovich is pulling on his clothes. MALKOVICH Something was making me talk. Some Goddamn thing was making me move. I gotta get out of here. MAXINE Oh, Dollface, it was just your passion for me taking hold. MALKOVICH No, Dollface, I know what my passion taking hold feels like. I gotta go. He leaves. Maxine falls back on the couch and sighs contentedly. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT A wet, mess Craig sits next to Lotte's cage. Lotte is bound and gagged. CRAIG I did it, sweetie. I moved his arm across your girlfriend's glorious tit. I made him talk. And, oh, there was the beginning of sensation in the fingertips. Ummmm-mmmm! It's just a matter of practice before Malkovich becomes nothing more than another puppet hanging next to my worktable. Coffee? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich paces nervously, a glass of whisky in his hand. Kevin Bacon sits on the couch and fiddles with a Rubic's Cube. MALKOVICH It's like nothing I've ever felt before. I think I'm going crazy. KEVIN BACON I'm sure you're not going crazy. MALKOVICH Kevin, I'm telling you... it was like nothing I've... KEVIN BACON Yeah yeah yeah. Yadda yadda yadda. Were you stoned? MALKOVICH Yes, but you see, someone else was talking through my mouth. KEVIN BACON You were stoned. Case closed. End of story. How hot is this babe? MALKOVICH I think it might've been this Lotte woman talking through me. Maxine likes to call me Lotte. KEVIN BACON Ouch. Now that's hot. She's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover. Let me know when you're done with her. This is my type of chick. MALKOVICH I'm done with her now. Tonight really creeped me out. KEVIN BACON You're crazy to let go of a chick who calls you Lotte. I tell you that as a friend. MALKOVICH I don't know anything about her. What if she's some sort of witch or something? KEVIN BACON All the better. Hey, Hot Lesbian Witches, next Geraldo, buddy boy. Ha ha ha. MALKOVICH I gotta know the truth, Kevin. KEVIN BACON The truth is for suckers, Johnny-Boy. CUT TO: EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING Malkovich, in a baseball cap and sunglasses, leans against the wall. After a moment, Maxine emerges from the building and walks down the block. Malkovich follows at a safe distance. CUT TO: INT. 7 1/2 FLOOR - MORNING The elevator doors are pried open. It's packed. Maxine and a few other people climb out. The last to emerge is Malkovich. He is astounded by the dimensions of the floor. He turns the corner and sees the long line of crouching fat people. Maxine goes into the office and closes the door. Maxine sees "J.M. Inc." stenciled on the office door. He turns to the first fat man and line. MALKOVICH Excuse me, what type of service does this company provide? FAT MAN You get to be John Malkovich for fifteen minutes. Two hundred clams. MALKOVICH (quietly flipped) I see. FAT MAN No cutting, by the way. Malkovich pounds on the door. FAT MAN (CONT'D) No cutting! Several fat people jump on Malkovich, and start beating him. Craig steps out of the office. CRAIG Hey! Break it up! Break it up! Everybody gets a chance to be... The fat people climb off Malkovich. His glasses and cap have been knocked off and everyone recognizes him. FAT MAN It's him! Oh, we're so sorry Mr. Malkovich! I hope me and my associates from Overeaters Anonymous didn't hurt you too terribly. MALKOVICH (to Craig) Inside. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Craig and Malkovich enter. Maxine looks up, startled, but controlling it. MAXINE Darling! MALKOVICH What the fuck is going on? CRAIG Mr. Malkovich, my name is Craig Schwartz. I can explain. We operate a little business her that... simulates, for our clientele, the experience of... being you, actually. MALKOVICH Simulates? CRAIG Sure, after a fashion. MALKOVICH Let me try. CRAIG You? Why I'm sure it would pale in comparison to the actual experience. MALKOVICH Let me try! MAXINE Let him try. CRAIG Of course, right this way, Mr. Malkovich. Compliments of the house. Craig ushers Malkovich to the portal door, opens it. MALKOVICH (repulsed by the slime) Jesus. Malkovich climbs in. The door closes. CRAIG What happens when a man climbs through his own portal? MAXINE (shrugs) How the hell would I know? I wasn't a philosophy major. CUT TO: INT. MEMBRANOUS TUNNEL - DAY Malkovich crawls through. It's murky. He's tense. Suddenly there is a slurping sound. CUT TO: PSYCHEDELIC MONTAGE We see Malkovich hurtling through different environments. It's scary: giant toads, swirling eddies of garish, colored lights, naked old people pointing and laughing, black velvet clown paintings. CUT TO: INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT Malkovich pops into a chair in a swakn night club. He's wearing a tuxedo. The woman across the table from him is also Malkovich, but in a gown. He looks around the restaurant. Everyone is Malkovich in different clothes. Malkovich is panicked. The girl Malkovich across the table looks at him seductively, winks and talks. GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich looks confused. The Malkovich waiter approaches, pen and pad in hand, ready to take their orders. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich? GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich. (Turning to Malkovich) Malkovich? Malkovich looks down at the menu. Every item is "Malkovich." He screams: MALKOVICH Malkovich! The waiter jots it down on his pad. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich. Malkovich pushes himself away from the table and runs for the exit. He passes the stage where a girl singer Malkovich is singin sensuously into the microphone. She is backed by a '40's style big band of Malkoviches. SINGING MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich flies through the back door. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - DAY Malkovich lands with a thud in the ditch. Craig is waiting there with his van. On its side is painted "See The World in Malk-O-Vision" followed by a phone number. Malkovich is huddled and shivering and soaking wet. CRAIG So how was it? MALKOVICH That... was... no... simulation. CRAIG I know. I'm sorry... MALKOVICH I have been to the dark side. I have seen a world that no man should ever see. CRAIG Really? For most people it's a rather pleasant experience. What exactly did you... MALKOVICH This portal is mine and must be sealed up forever. For the love of God. CRAIG With all respect, sir, I discovered that portal. Its my livelihood. MALKOVICH It's my head, Schwartz, and I'll see you in court! Malkovich trudges off along the shoulder of the turnpike. CRAIG (calling after him) And who's to say I won't be seeing what you're seeing... in court? Cars whiz by Malkovich. Someone yells from a passing car. MOTORIST Hey, Malkovich! Think fast! Malkovich looks up. A beer can comes flying out of the car and hits him on the head. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Craig is feeding the animals. His gun is stuck in his pants. He gets to Lotte's cage. She is bound but ungagged. She looks haggard. LOTTE Once this was a relationship based on love. Now you have me in a cage with a monkey and a gun to my head. CRAIG Things change. Anyway, you gave up your claim to that love the first time you stuck your dick in Maxine. LOTTE You fell in love with her first. CRAIG Yeah but I didn't do anything about it. Out of respect for our marriage. LOTTE You didn't do anything about it out of respect for the fact that she wouldn't let you near her with a ten foot pole, which is, by the way, about nine feet, nine inches off the mark anyway. CRAIG (beat) That's true. Oh, God, Lotte, what have I become? My wife in a cage with a monkey. A gun in my hand. Betrayal in my heart. LOTTE Maybe this is what you've always been, Craig, you just never faced it before. CRAIG Perhaps you're right. I can't let you go though. Too much has happened. You're my ace in the hole. LOTTE I need a shower. CRAIG I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry. I'm some kind of monster. I'm the guy you read about in the paper and go, "he's some kind of monster." LOTTE You're not a monster, Craig. Just a confused man. CRAIG I love you so much. She dials her phone, opens her cage, puts phone to her ear. CRAIG (CONT'D) But I gotta go now. I've got to go be Johnny. MAXINE (O.S.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone... LOTTE We have to meet. MAXINE One hour. Craig hangs up, tapes Lotte's mouth. CRAIG I'll tell you all about it when I get home. Craig exits. Lotte fiddles with the ropes on her hands Elijah, slumped in the corner of the cage, blankly watches her moving hands. Suddenly his eyes narrow. Something is going on in his brain. We move slowly into his eyes. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. JUNGLE - DAY It is a memory: blurry and overexposed, the color washed out. We see a weathered wooden sign which reads "Africa." The sound of running feet, huffing frantic breathing. We watch from up in a tree (Elijah's POV) as two men in safari suits chase a couple of chimps across the jungle floor. The chimps are screaming as the safari men tackle them and tie them up. The safari men laugh. SAFARI MAN Well, there monkeys ain't going nowhere. Let's get us a couple a brews 'fore the boss comes back... The safari men leave the chimps on the ground. We descend from the trees to the ground next to the bound chimps. One of the chimps looks at the camera. He grunts and squeals. CHIMP ONE (DUBBED VOICE) Son, untie your mother and me! Quickly! Before the great bald chimp-men return. A small pair of chimp hands enter into the frame and struggle to untie the ropes, but to no avail. Chimp two speaks. CHIMP TWO (DUBBED VOICE) Hurry, Elijah! SAFARI MAN Why you little bastard! Elijah is wrestled to the ground amidst much screaming. DISSOLVE TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - DAY Elijah shakes off the memory and looks determinedly at the ropes on Lotte's hands. He attempts to untie the knot. He works furiously and succeeds. Lotte pulls the tape from her mouth. LOTTE Oh, Elijah, you are magnificent! Elijah beams and screams for ecstatic joy. Lotte unlocks the cage, and dials the phone. LOTTE Maxine! Listen: It hasn't been me in John the last three times. Craig's had me locked up in the apartment. He made me call you at gunpoint. It's been him! Oh, God, it's been him! MAXINE (O.S.) (beat, calmly) Really? Well, you know, he's quite good. I'm surprised. Anyway, I have a session with Malkovich I have to attend. I'll speak with you soon. LOTTE But Maxine, I thought it was me you loved. MAXINE (O.S.) I thought so too, doll. I guess we were mistaken. Maxine hangs up. Lotte, visibly shaken, dials the phone. LOTTE Hello, Dr. Lester? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT The doorbell rings. Malkovich answers it. Maxine stands there, dressed in an evening gown. MALKOVICH Come on in. MAXINE I can explain about the portal, darling. MALKOVICH Don't con me, Maxine. We're over. I just let you up here to tell you that, and to tell you that I'm taking you and Schwartz to court. MAXINE Oh shut up. (beat) Craig, darling are you in there? Malkovich tenses up, then shakes his head in an awkward, puppet-like manner. When Malkovich speaks, it seems to be against him will. MALKOVICH Yes. How did you know it was me? MAXINE Lotte called me. MALKOVICH Oh, so the bitch escaped. MAXINE Apparently you can control this Malkovich fellow now. MALKOVICH I'm getting better all the time. MAXINE I'll say you are. Let's do it on his kitchen table, then make him eat an omelette off of it. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich) No... damn... you... (as Craig) Oh shut up, you overrated sack of shit. Malkovich begins undressing, and does a lewd bump and grind while looking mortified. Maxine giggles. Malkovich (Craig) laughs wildly. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lester's hand is in a bloody bandage. The juicer sits on hi desk. Lotte sits across from him looking nervous and hollow-eyed. LESTER You know I think it pays to leave juice-making to the trained professionals. You look terrible, my dear. LOTTE Craig stole Maxine from me, Dr. Lester. LESTER Hmmm, a lesbian, are you? I must inform you that I find that highly arousing. LOTTE No, you don't understand. I've been inside Malkovich when I'm with Maxine... LESTER (slaps Lotte furiously) What?! That is not allowed. My God, you are supposed to be one of us. You know you must never partake of Malkovich by yourself! LOTTE No, I didn't know that. LESTER Oh, didn't anyone show you the indoctrination video? LOTTE No. LESTER Oh, sorry. Right this way. CUT TO: INT. SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT Lotte site next to Lester in the darkened auditorium. The projector whirs. The screen lights up. TITLE: SO YOU WANT TO BE JOHN MALKOVICH A much younger Lester addresses the camera in this black and white film, which seems to have been made in the 50's. LESTER ON FILM Welcome, my fellow Malkovichians. As you may already know, today a baby was born into this sad world. We see a shot of a newborn. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) His name is John Horatio Hannibal Malkovich. And we are the keepers of the door to his soul. One day, when his brain is big enough, we will all journey into his head and live there for all eternity. Following the teachings of our leader Karl Marx, we will build the ultimate communist community, one body and hundreds, maybe thousands, of brains inside working together to form a super human intellect capable of curing disease, stopping all war, and ruling the world with a benevolent fist. We will take a wife, a woman of uncommon beauty and intellect, who is, as yet, still an infant herself. We see a photo of another infant, this one with a ribbon in her hair. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) Her name is Floris Horatia Hannibella DeMent. LOTTE Does Floris know that she's the chosen? LESTER Well, I tried to explain it to her, but... Lester points to his ear and shrugs. CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine lie naked on the bed, looking quite relaxed. MAXINE You still there, sweets? MALKOVICH Yeah. I've figured out how to hold on as long as I want. Oddly enough, it's all in the wrists. MAXINE Wow. (little girl pout) Do a puppet show for me, Craig honey. MALKOVICH You mean with Malkovich? MAXINE I'd love to see your work. MALKOVICH (pleased) Really? Yeah. Okay. Malkovich leans over and kisses her, then gets up. MALKOVICH (CONT'D) I'll do something I call "Craig's Dance of Despair and Disillusionment." Malkovich performs the same dance that the Craig pupper did at the beginning of the film. It is exactly the same, complete with impossible somersaults and perspiring brow. He finishes by falling to his knees and weeping. MAXINE (moved) That was incredible. You're brilliant! MALKOVICH You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing with dolls. MAXINE You're right, my darling, it's so much more. It's playing with people! Malkovich kisses Maxine. She snuggles close to him. MAXINE Stay in him forever? MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, screaming) No! (as Craig, calmly) But how will we make a living, my love, if our clientele doesn't have access to our product? MAXINE Well, we'll have all the money in Malkovich's bank account, plus he still gets acting work occasionally. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, breaking through) No! Please! (as Craig, to Malkovich) Shut up, will you? We're trying to think here. (to Maxine) It is sort of like being a puppeteer. I like that about it. MAXINE No one would ever have to know its not him. MALKOVICH (an idea) Wait a minute! What if everybody knew? What if we presented Malkovich as the world's most complicated puppet and me as the only puppeteer sophisticated enough to work him? We'd wipe the floor with the Great Mantini! MAXINE Oh, Craiggy, that's brilliant! CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S SHRINE ROOM - NIGHT The worshippers are assembled. Lotte stands before them. LOTTE I have sinned, unwittingly, against the community. And for this I am truly sorry. MAN #2 W-w-what's it like on the inside? LOTTE Oh, it's glorious. It's indescribable. MAN #2 Oooh, I wanna go. I wanna go. I say it's time. LESTER Perhaps you're right, Terry. We're all prepared, and perhaps this Schwartz fellow is forcing our hand a bit. We will enter the portal tonight! Everyone cheers. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich are furiously filling the portal with cement. Suddenly Malkovich stops and runs to the office door screaming a bloodcurdling scream. He stops just as suddenly, begins to strangle himself. MALKOVICH (Craig to Malkovich) Shut up! (to Maxine) Sorry, dear, I lost control for a minute. MAXINE (kissing him) It's okay, my sweet. They go back to filling the portal. There is the sound of many shuffling feet in the hallway. The door flies open and the Malkovichians led by Lester and Lotte burst in. Malkovich and Maxine turn with a start. LESTER Aaaahhhh, the portal! LOTTE (to Malkovich) You bastard! Lotte lunges for Malkovich. Lester grabs her arm, holds her back. LESTER No! Don't harm the vessel! LOTTE It's Craig in there, I can tell. LESTER I understand, but we must protect the vessel at all costs. (to Malkovich) Please, Craig, please step aside and allow us to have what is rightfully ours. CRAIG Squatter's rights, Lester. Craig laughs somewhat maniacally. Maxine slips her arm through Craig's, joins him in his laughter, and glances triumphantly over at Lotte. MAXINE Now excuse us, we have an entertainment legend to create. LESTER (to the cult members) Clear the way for them, my friends. They will be dealt with in due time. The Malkovichians grumble and let Malkovich and Maxine exit. LESTER (CONT'D) Now, let's see what we can do to salvage this portal... for the sake of all that is good. The Malkovichians converge on the sealed portal, and begin clawing desperately at the quick-drying cement. Fingers are scraped raw, and we see smears of blood and skin on the rough gray surface. CUT TO: INT. AGENT'S OFFICE - DAY A slick-looking agent answers a buzzing phone. AGENT Of course, send him right in. Don't ever keep him waiting again. Do you understand? Malkovich and Maxine enter. The agent stands, holds out his hand. AGENT (CONT'D) John! Great to see you! Sorry about the cunt at reception. MALKOVICH This is my fiancee Maxine. The agent shakes Maxine's hand. AGENT Great to see you, Maxine. Sorry about the cunt at reception. Please have a seat. Malkovich and Maxine sit. AGENT (CONT'D) Can I get you anything? Coffee? Water? MAXINE No thanks. AGENT (into phone) Teresa, get me a chicken soup. (to Malkovich and Maxine) Chicken soup? Maxine and Malkovich shake their heads "no." MALKOVICH I'll get right to the point, Larry. I'm a puppet now... AGENT Okay. MALKOVICH I'm being controlled by the world's greatest puppeteer, Craig Schwartz... AGENT (no clue) Oh yeah, he's good. MALKOVICH ... and I want to show off his skills by performing a one-puppet extravaganza in Reno. MAXINE Vegas. MALKOVICH Vegas. Can you arrange that? AGENT Sure, sure. Just let me

electronic

How many times the word 'electronic' appears in the text?

CRAIG What's that? LOTTE (beat) Us, of course. Craig looks up from his packing. He and Lotte stare at each other for a long while. CRAIG (tenderly) Oh, Lot... They hug. CRAIG (CONT'D) What about Maxine? LOTTE Fuck Maxine. CRAIG We wish. They look at each other and laugh, them fall back into the embrace. They both get faraway looks in their eyes. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S GARAGE - NIGHT The clock reads 3:00 AM. Craig, in his pajamas, is working the Craig and Maxine puppets. They make love on the bare puppet stage. Craig seems possessed. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS The phone rings. Maxine sleepily picks it up. MAXINE Yes? LOTTE (O.S.) I have to see you. Can you call him and invite us over? MAXINE When? LOTTE (O.S.) Give me one hour to get inside him Exactly. Maxine checks her alarm clock. The time is 3:11 AM. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S CAR - NIGHT Lotte drives. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - A BIT LATER The doorbell rings. Maxine, in a sheer black nightgown, answers it. John Malkovich stands there. MAXINE Thanks so much for coming over. MALKOVICH Oh, I'm really glad you called. Maxine gestures for him to enter. As Malkovich passes by her, she checks the wall clock. The time is 3:50. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lotte sits on the floor in the dark. She leans, out of breath, against the wall next to the portal and checks her watch. The time is 4:10. She pulls open the door. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich sit a bit awkwardly next to each other on the couch. MAXINE So, do you enjoy being an actor? MALKOVICH Oh sure. It's very rewarding... The digital clock on the VCR clicks over to 4:11 AM. Maxine's look softens, and she kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. He seems surprised, but quickly warms to it. We shift top Malkovich's POV as Maxine begins to unbutton Malkovich's shirt. LOTTE (V.O.) Oh my darling. Oh my sweetheart. MAXINE I love you, Lotte. LOTTE (V.O.) Maxine... MALKOVICH (stopping) I'm sorry, did you just call me "Lotte"? MAXINE Do you mind? MALKOVICH (thinking) No, I guess not. I'm an actor. They get back to it. MAXINE Oh, my sweet, beautiful Lotte. MALKOVICH (thinks he's playing along) Yes, Maxine, yes. LOTTE (V.O.) This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT A sweaty and spent Craig sneaks back into the bedroom. He sees that the bed is empty. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT With a gasp and a wail of release, Lotte pops into the ditch. She is soaking wet and breathes heavily. She just lies there. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S KITCHEN - MORNING Craig is hunched over a cup of coffee. The front door can be heard to open. After a moment Lotte appears in the kitchen doorway. She is caked with dirt. Craig looks up at her. CRAIG You were him last night, weren't you? LOTTE (quietly) Yes. CRAIG And he was with her. LOTTE We love her, Craig. I'm sorry. CRAIG We? LOTTE Me and John. CRAIG Don't forget me. LOTTE Well, you have the Maxine action figure to play with. Craig looks down at his coffee. LOTTE (CONT'D) I'm sorry. That was nasty. CRAIG Life is confusing, isn't it? LOTTE Sometimes we're forced to make hard decisions. (beat) I'd like for us to stay together, Craig. You know, platonically, if that's possible. I truly value our friendship. CRAIG I feel that somehow my parents never prepared me to make this particular decision. Not that I blame them. How could they know? Today's world is so complicated. (beat) No. I have to go away now. I'm sorry, Lotte. I'm so sorry. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - MORNING Craig enters with red-rimmed eyes. Maxine sits at her desk, actually looking kind of radiant. MAXINE You're late. CRAIG Are you torturing me on purpose? MAXINE (matter of fact) I've fallen in love. CRAIG I don't think so. I've fallen in love. This is what people who've fallen in love look like. MAXINE You picked the unrequited variety. Very bad for the skin. CRAIG You're evil, Maxine. MAXINE Do you have any idea what its like to have two people look at you with total lust and devotion through the same pair of eyes? No I don't suppose you would. It's quite a thrill, Craig. Craig turns and walks out the door. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY 7 1/2 FLOOR - CONTINUOUS Craig hurries past a long line of fat people, all looking eager, all clutching cash. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - MORNING Lester sits at his desk. The intercom buzzes. LESTER (depressing switch) Yes, my dear? FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Someone names A Lot of Warts on line two. LESTER Thank you, Floris. FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Think, Jew florist? LESTER (pressing line 2) Good morning, Lotte! LOTTE (O.S.) Dr. Lester, everything's falling apart. CUT TO: INT. GUN SHOP - MORNING Craig is at the counter buying a pistol. CUT TO: INT. JUICY-JUICE JUICE BAR - MORNING Lester and Lotte sit at a table. They both have really large glasses of carrot juice in front of them. LOTTE I blew it, Dr. Lester. LESTER You followed your heart, my child, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. LOTTE But now we've lost access to Craig. LESTER (laughs) My child, I don't think its a great mystery what Craig's up to. CUT TO: CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY Craig stands still and tense, with gun in hand. We hear the front door unlock. Lotte enters. She does not see Craig. He grabs her from behind as she passes. Lotte screams. Craig holds the gun to her head. LOTTE I'm your Goddamn wife. Once you vowed to cherish me forever. Now you hold a gun to my head? CRAIG Yeah, well welcome to the nineties. LOTTE Suck my dick! CRAIG (slapping her) Shut up! Lotte is stunned. She feels the muzzle against her forehead. She shuts up. Keeping the gun trained on Lotte, Craig dials the phone. He hands the receiver to her. He holds his ear to the receiver also. CRAIG (CONT'D) Tell her you need to see her. LOTTE (to Craig) You bastard. Craig cocks the pistol. MAXINE (V.O.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone else can be. LOTTE (looking at Craig) I have to see you. MAXINE (V.O.) Sweetie! Oh, but we can't. It's business hours. I need to keep the membranous tunnel open for paying customers. CRAIG (sotto) Tell her, what the hell, close early today, live dangerously. LOTTE What the hell, darling. Close early today, live dangerously. MAXINE (V.O.) Oooh, doll. I love this new devil-may-care side of you. Alrighty, I'll track down Lover-boy, and I'll see both of you in one hour. Exactamundo. Maxine hangs up. Lotte hands the phone to Craig, who hangs it up. Craig opens up the big cage where Elijah is housed, and motions with the gun for Lotte to enter. LOTTE (screaming) Help! He's locking me in a cage! Craig slaps Lotte hard. She looks at him, almost sadly. NEIGHBOR Shut up! PARROT Shut up! CRAIG Lesson number one: Be careful what you teach your parrot. Craig tapes Lotte's mouth, ties her hands and feet. Elijah watches him tie her. He becomes somewhat agitated, and holds his stomach. CUT TO: INT. BROADHURST THEATER - DAY Malkovich is rehearsing some business on stage. Maxine watches from the house. She anxiously checks her watch, then points to it so Malkovich can see. MALKOVICH Tommy, can I take fifteen? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on the make-up table, against the mirror. MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Oh, sweetie... We now watch the scene from Malkovich's POV. MALKOVICH Maxine... CRAIG (V.O.) I can't believe it. This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - DAY Craig is toweling himself off, hurriedly combing his hair. Maxine enters. CRAIG You're glowing again. MAXINE A girl has a right to glow if she wants. It's in the fucking constitution. Maxine sits. Craig smiles to himself. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING Craig is feeding the various caged animals. He puts two plates of food in Elijah's cage. Lotte is ungagged and unbound now. She eats as Craig slumps down next to the cage, gun in hand. CRAIG It was lovely being you being Malkovich, my dear. I'd never seen the passionate side of sweet Maxine before, or her actual tits for that matter. If only, I've been thinking to myself, if only I could actually feel what Malkovich feels, rather than just see what he sees... And then, dare I say it, if only I could control his arms, his legs, his pelvis, and make them do my bidding. LOTTE It'll never happen, fuckface. CRAIG Ah, but you're forgetting one thing, Lambchop. LOTTE What's that? CRAIG I'm a puppeteer. Craig picks up the phone and dials. He smiles as he holds the receiver up to Lotte's face. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on Maxine's couch. MAXINE Lotte, this is so good... CRAIG (V.O.) (tense, commanding) Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Malkovich clumsily, awkwardly moves his hand across Maxine's breast. CRAIG (V.O.) (CONT'D) Holy shit, yes! MALKOVICH Holy shit, yes! CRAIG (V.O.) Holy shit! He said what I said! MALKOVICH Holy shit! He said what I said! MAXINE Lotte? Is that you? CRAIG (V.O.) Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! MALKOVICH Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! (scared) What the fuck is going on? I'm not talking. This is not me! MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Maxine kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. There is a sucking sound. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT There is a pop and Craig lands in the ditch. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT A panicked Malkovich is pulling on his clothes. MALKOVICH Something was making me talk. Some Goddamn thing was making me move. I gotta get out of here. MAXINE Oh, Dollface, it was just your passion for me taking hold. MALKOVICH No, Dollface, I know what my passion taking hold feels like. I gotta go. He leaves. Maxine falls back on the couch and sighs contentedly. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT A wet, mess Craig sits next to Lotte's cage. Lotte is bound and gagged. CRAIG I did it, sweetie. I moved his arm across your girlfriend's glorious tit. I made him talk. And, oh, there was the beginning of sensation in the fingertips. Ummmm-mmmm! It's just a matter of practice before Malkovich becomes nothing more than another puppet hanging next to my worktable. Coffee? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich paces nervously, a glass of whisky in his hand. Kevin Bacon sits on the couch and fiddles with a Rubic's Cube. MALKOVICH It's like nothing I've ever felt before. I think I'm going crazy. KEVIN BACON I'm sure you're not going crazy. MALKOVICH Kevin, I'm telling you... it was like nothing I've... KEVIN BACON Yeah yeah yeah. Yadda yadda yadda. Were you stoned? MALKOVICH Yes, but you see, someone else was talking through my mouth. KEVIN BACON You were stoned. Case closed. End of story. How hot is this babe? MALKOVICH I think it might've been this Lotte woman talking through me. Maxine likes to call me Lotte. KEVIN BACON Ouch. Now that's hot. She's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover. Let me know when you're done with her. This is my type of chick. MALKOVICH I'm done with her now. Tonight really creeped me out. KEVIN BACON You're crazy to let go of a chick who calls you Lotte. I tell you that as a friend. MALKOVICH I don't know anything about her. What if she's some sort of witch or something? KEVIN BACON All the better. Hey, Hot Lesbian Witches, next Geraldo, buddy boy. Ha ha ha. MALKOVICH I gotta know the truth, Kevin. KEVIN BACON The truth is for suckers, Johnny-Boy. CUT TO: EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING Malkovich, in a baseball cap and sunglasses, leans against the wall. After a moment, Maxine emerges from the building and walks down the block. Malkovich follows at a safe distance. CUT TO: INT. 7 1/2 FLOOR - MORNING The elevator doors are pried open. It's packed. Maxine and a few other people climb out. The last to emerge is Malkovich. He is astounded by the dimensions of the floor. He turns the corner and sees the long line of crouching fat people. Maxine goes into the office and closes the door. Maxine sees "J.M. Inc." stenciled on the office door. He turns to the first fat man and line. MALKOVICH Excuse me, what type of service does this company provide? FAT MAN You get to be John Malkovich for fifteen minutes. Two hundred clams. MALKOVICH (quietly flipped) I see. FAT MAN No cutting, by the way. Malkovich pounds on the door. FAT MAN (CONT'D) No cutting! Several fat people jump on Malkovich, and start beating him. Craig steps out of the office. CRAIG Hey! Break it up! Break it up! Everybody gets a chance to be... The fat people climb off Malkovich. His glasses and cap have been knocked off and everyone recognizes him. FAT MAN It's him! Oh, we're so sorry Mr. Malkovich! I hope me and my associates from Overeaters Anonymous didn't hurt you too terribly. MALKOVICH (to Craig) Inside. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Craig and Malkovich enter. Maxine looks up, startled, but controlling it. MAXINE Darling! MALKOVICH What the fuck is going on? CRAIG Mr. Malkovich, my name is Craig Schwartz. I can explain. We operate a little business her that... simulates, for our clientele, the experience of... being you, actually. MALKOVICH Simulates? CRAIG Sure, after a fashion. MALKOVICH Let me try. CRAIG You? Why I'm sure it would pale in comparison to the actual experience. MALKOVICH Let me try! MAXINE Let him try. CRAIG Of course, right this way, Mr. Malkovich. Compliments of the house. Craig ushers Malkovich to the portal door, opens it. MALKOVICH (repulsed by the slime) Jesus. Malkovich climbs in. The door closes. CRAIG What happens when a man climbs through his own portal? MAXINE (shrugs) How the hell would I know? I wasn't a philosophy major. CUT TO: INT. MEMBRANOUS TUNNEL - DAY Malkovich crawls through. It's murky. He's tense. Suddenly there is a slurping sound. CUT TO: PSYCHEDELIC MONTAGE We see Malkovich hurtling through different environments. It's scary: giant toads, swirling eddies of garish, colored lights, naked old people pointing and laughing, black velvet clown paintings. CUT TO: INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT Malkovich pops into a chair in a swakn night club. He's wearing a tuxedo. The woman across the table from him is also Malkovich, but in a gown. He looks around the restaurant. Everyone is Malkovich in different clothes. Malkovich is panicked. The girl Malkovich across the table looks at him seductively, winks and talks. GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich looks confused. The Malkovich waiter approaches, pen and pad in hand, ready to take their orders. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich? GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich. (Turning to Malkovich) Malkovich? Malkovich looks down at the menu. Every item is "Malkovich." He screams: MALKOVICH Malkovich! The waiter jots it down on his pad. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich. Malkovich pushes himself away from the table and runs for the exit. He passes the stage where a girl singer Malkovich is singin sensuously into the microphone. She is backed by a '40's style big band of Malkoviches. SINGING MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich flies through the back door. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - DAY Malkovich lands with a thud in the ditch. Craig is waiting there with his van. On its side is painted "See The World in Malk-O-Vision" followed by a phone number. Malkovich is huddled and shivering and soaking wet. CRAIG So how was it? MALKOVICH That... was... no... simulation. CRAIG I know. I'm sorry... MALKOVICH I have been to the dark side. I have seen a world that no man should ever see. CRAIG Really? For most people it's a rather pleasant experience. What exactly did you... MALKOVICH This portal is mine and must be sealed up forever. For the love of God. CRAIG With all respect, sir, I discovered that portal. Its my livelihood. MALKOVICH It's my head, Schwartz, and I'll see you in court! Malkovich trudges off along the shoulder of the turnpike. CRAIG (calling after him) And who's to say I won't be seeing what you're seeing... in court? Cars whiz by Malkovich. Someone yells from a passing car. MOTORIST Hey, Malkovich! Think fast! Malkovich looks up. A beer can comes flying out of the car and hits him on the head. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Craig is feeding the animals. His gun is stuck in his pants. He gets to Lotte's cage. She is bound but ungagged. She looks haggard. LOTTE Once this was a relationship based on love. Now you have me in a cage with a monkey and a gun to my head. CRAIG Things change. Anyway, you gave up your claim to that love the first time you stuck your dick in Maxine. LOTTE You fell in love with her first. CRAIG Yeah but I didn't do anything about it. Out of respect for our marriage. LOTTE You didn't do anything about it out of respect for the fact that she wouldn't let you near her with a ten foot pole, which is, by the way, about nine feet, nine inches off the mark anyway. CRAIG (beat) That's true. Oh, God, Lotte, what have I become? My wife in a cage with a monkey. A gun in my hand. Betrayal in my heart. LOTTE Maybe this is what you've always been, Craig, you just never faced it before. CRAIG Perhaps you're right. I can't let you go though. Too much has happened. You're my ace in the hole. LOTTE I need a shower. CRAIG I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry. I'm some kind of monster. I'm the guy you read about in the paper and go, "he's some kind of monster." LOTTE You're not a monster, Craig. Just a confused man. CRAIG I love you so much. She dials her phone, opens her cage, puts phone to her ear. CRAIG (CONT'D) But I gotta go now. I've got to go be Johnny. MAXINE (O.S.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone... LOTTE We have to meet. MAXINE One hour. Craig hangs up, tapes Lotte's mouth. CRAIG I'll tell you all about it when I get home. Craig exits. Lotte fiddles with the ropes on her hands Elijah, slumped in the corner of the cage, blankly watches her moving hands. Suddenly his eyes narrow. Something is going on in his brain. We move slowly into his eyes. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. JUNGLE - DAY It is a memory: blurry and overexposed, the color washed out. We see a weathered wooden sign which reads "Africa." The sound of running feet, huffing frantic breathing. We watch from up in a tree (Elijah's POV) as two men in safari suits chase a couple of chimps across the jungle floor. The chimps are screaming as the safari men tackle them and tie them up. The safari men laugh. SAFARI MAN Well, there monkeys ain't going nowhere. Let's get us a couple a brews 'fore the boss comes back... The safari men leave the chimps on the ground. We descend from the trees to the ground next to the bound chimps. One of the chimps looks at the camera. He grunts and squeals. CHIMP ONE (DUBBED VOICE) Son, untie your mother and me! Quickly! Before the great bald chimp-men return. A small pair of chimp hands enter into the frame and struggle to untie the ropes, but to no avail. Chimp two speaks. CHIMP TWO (DUBBED VOICE) Hurry, Elijah! SAFARI MAN Why you little bastard! Elijah is wrestled to the ground amidst much screaming. DISSOLVE TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - DAY Elijah shakes off the memory and looks determinedly at the ropes on Lotte's hands. He attempts to untie the knot. He works furiously and succeeds. Lotte pulls the tape from her mouth. LOTTE Oh, Elijah, you are magnificent! Elijah beams and screams for ecstatic joy. Lotte unlocks the cage, and dials the phone. LOTTE Maxine! Listen: It hasn't been me in John the last three times. Craig's had me locked up in the apartment. He made me call you at gunpoint. It's been him! Oh, God, it's been him! MAXINE (O.S.) (beat, calmly) Really? Well, you know, he's quite good. I'm surprised. Anyway, I have a session with Malkovich I have to attend. I'll speak with you soon. LOTTE But Maxine, I thought it was me you loved. MAXINE (O.S.) I thought so too, doll. I guess we were mistaken. Maxine hangs up. Lotte, visibly shaken, dials the phone. LOTTE Hello, Dr. Lester? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT The doorbell rings. Malkovich answers it. Maxine stands there, dressed in an evening gown. MALKOVICH Come on in. MAXINE I can explain about the portal, darling. MALKOVICH Don't con me, Maxine. We're over. I just let you up here to tell you that, and to tell you that I'm taking you and Schwartz to court. MAXINE Oh shut up. (beat) Craig, darling are you in there? Malkovich tenses up, then shakes his head in an awkward, puppet-like manner. When Malkovich speaks, it seems to be against him will. MALKOVICH Yes. How did you know it was me? MAXINE Lotte called me. MALKOVICH Oh, so the bitch escaped. MAXINE Apparently you can control this Malkovich fellow now. MALKOVICH I'm getting better all the time. MAXINE I'll say you are. Let's do it on his kitchen table, then make him eat an omelette off of it. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich) No... damn... you... (as Craig) Oh shut up, you overrated sack of shit. Malkovich begins undressing, and does a lewd bump and grind while looking mortified. Maxine giggles. Malkovich (Craig) laughs wildly. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lester's hand is in a bloody bandage. The juicer sits on hi desk. Lotte sits across from him looking nervous and hollow-eyed. LESTER You know I think it pays to leave juice-making to the trained professionals. You look terrible, my dear. LOTTE Craig stole Maxine from me, Dr. Lester. LESTER Hmmm, a lesbian, are you? I must inform you that I find that highly arousing. LOTTE No, you don't understand. I've been inside Malkovich when I'm with Maxine... LESTER (slaps Lotte furiously) What?! That is not allowed. My God, you are supposed to be one of us. You know you must never partake of Malkovich by yourself! LOTTE No, I didn't know that. LESTER Oh, didn't anyone show you the indoctrination video? LOTTE No. LESTER Oh, sorry. Right this way. CUT TO: INT. SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT Lotte site next to Lester in the darkened auditorium. The projector whirs. The screen lights up. TITLE: SO YOU WANT TO BE JOHN MALKOVICH A much younger Lester addresses the camera in this black and white film, which seems to have been made in the 50's. LESTER ON FILM Welcome, my fellow Malkovichians. As you may already know, today a baby was born into this sad world. We see a shot of a newborn. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) His name is John Horatio Hannibal Malkovich. And we are the keepers of the door to his soul. One day, when his brain is big enough, we will all journey into his head and live there for all eternity. Following the teachings of our leader Karl Marx, we will build the ultimate communist community, one body and hundreds, maybe thousands, of brains inside working together to form a super human intellect capable of curing disease, stopping all war, and ruling the world with a benevolent fist. We will take a wife, a woman of uncommon beauty and intellect, who is, as yet, still an infant herself. We see a photo of another infant, this one with a ribbon in her hair. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) Her name is Floris Horatia Hannibella DeMent. LOTTE Does Floris know that she's the chosen? LESTER Well, I tried to explain it to her, but... Lester points to his ear and shrugs. CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine lie naked on the bed, looking quite relaxed. MAXINE You still there, sweets? MALKOVICH Yeah. I've figured out how to hold on as long as I want. Oddly enough, it's all in the wrists. MAXINE Wow. (little girl pout) Do a puppet show for me, Craig honey. MALKOVICH You mean with Malkovich? MAXINE I'd love to see your work. MALKOVICH (pleased) Really? Yeah. Okay. Malkovich leans over and kisses her, then gets up. MALKOVICH (CONT'D) I'll do something I call "Craig's Dance of Despair and Disillusionment." Malkovich performs the same dance that the Craig pupper did at the beginning of the film. It is exactly the same, complete with impossible somersaults and perspiring brow. He finishes by falling to his knees and weeping. MAXINE (moved) That was incredible. You're brilliant! MALKOVICH You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing with dolls. MAXINE You're right, my darling, it's so much more. It's playing with people! Malkovich kisses Maxine. She snuggles close to him. MAXINE Stay in him forever? MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, screaming) No! (as Craig, calmly) But how will we make a living, my love, if our clientele doesn't have access to our product? MAXINE Well, we'll have all the money in Malkovich's bank account, plus he still gets acting work occasionally. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, breaking through) No! Please! (as Craig, to Malkovich) Shut up, will you? We're trying to think here. (to Maxine) It is sort of like being a puppeteer. I like that about it. MAXINE No one would ever have to know its not him. MALKOVICH (an idea) Wait a minute! What if everybody knew? What if we presented Malkovich as the world's most complicated puppet and me as the only puppeteer sophisticated enough to work him? We'd wipe the floor with the Great Mantini! MAXINE Oh, Craiggy, that's brilliant! CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S SHRINE ROOM - NIGHT The worshippers are assembled. Lotte stands before them. LOTTE I have sinned, unwittingly, against the community. And for this I am truly sorry. MAN #2 W-w-what's it like on the inside? LOTTE Oh, it's glorious. It's indescribable. MAN #2 Oooh, I wanna go. I wanna go. I say it's time. LESTER Perhaps you're right, Terry. We're all prepared, and perhaps this Schwartz fellow is forcing our hand a bit. We will enter the portal tonight! Everyone cheers. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich are furiously filling the portal with cement. Suddenly Malkovich stops and runs to the office door screaming a bloodcurdling scream. He stops just as suddenly, begins to strangle himself. MALKOVICH (Craig to Malkovich) Shut up! (to Maxine) Sorry, dear, I lost control for a minute. MAXINE (kissing him) It's okay, my sweet. They go back to filling the portal. There is the sound of many shuffling feet in the hallway. The door flies open and the Malkovichians led by Lester and Lotte burst in. Malkovich and Maxine turn with a start. LESTER Aaaahhhh, the portal! LOTTE (to Malkovich) You bastard! Lotte lunges for Malkovich. Lester grabs her arm, holds her back. LESTER No! Don't harm the vessel! LOTTE It's Craig in there, I can tell. LESTER I understand, but we must protect the vessel at all costs. (to Malkovich) Please, Craig, please step aside and allow us to have what is rightfully ours. CRAIG Squatter's rights, Lester. Craig laughs somewhat maniacally. Maxine slips her arm through Craig's, joins him in his laughter, and glances triumphantly over at Lotte. MAXINE Now excuse us, we have an entertainment legend to create. LESTER (to the cult members) Clear the way for them, my friends. They will be dealt with in due time. The Malkovichians grumble and let Malkovich and Maxine exit. LESTER (CONT'D) Now, let's see what we can do to salvage this portal... for the sake of all that is good. The Malkovichians converge on the sealed portal, and begin clawing desperately at the quick-drying cement. Fingers are scraped raw, and we see smears of blood and skin on the rough gray surface. CUT TO: INT. AGENT'S OFFICE - DAY A slick-looking agent answers a buzzing phone. AGENT Of course, send him right in. Don't ever keep him waiting again. Do you understand? Malkovich and Maxine enter. The agent stands, holds out his hand. AGENT (CONT'D) John! Great to see you! Sorry about the cunt at reception. MALKOVICH This is my fiancee Maxine. The agent shakes Maxine's hand. AGENT Great to see you, Maxine. Sorry about the cunt at reception. Please have a seat. Malkovich and Maxine sit. AGENT (CONT'D) Can I get you anything? Coffee? Water? MAXINE No thanks. AGENT (into phone) Teresa, get me a chicken soup. (to Malkovich and Maxine) Chicken soup? Maxine and Malkovich shake their heads "no." MALKOVICH I'll get right to the point, Larry. I'm a puppet now... AGENT Okay. MALKOVICH I'm being controlled by the world's greatest puppeteer, Craig Schwartz... AGENT (no clue) Oh yeah, he's good. MALKOVICH ... and I want to show off his skills by performing a one-puppet extravaganza in Reno. MAXINE Vegas. MALKOVICH Vegas. Can you arrange that? AGENT Sure, sure. Just let me

glasses

How many times the word 'glasses' appears in the text?

CRAIG What's that? LOTTE (beat) Us, of course. Craig looks up from his packing. He and Lotte stare at each other for a long while. CRAIG (tenderly) Oh, Lot... They hug. CRAIG (CONT'D) What about Maxine? LOTTE Fuck Maxine. CRAIG We wish. They look at each other and laugh, them fall back into the embrace. They both get faraway looks in their eyes. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S GARAGE - NIGHT The clock reads 3:00 AM. Craig, in his pajamas, is working the Craig and Maxine puppets. They make love on the bare puppet stage. Craig seems possessed. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS The phone rings. Maxine sleepily picks it up. MAXINE Yes? LOTTE (O.S.) I have to see you. Can you call him and invite us over? MAXINE When? LOTTE (O.S.) Give me one hour to get inside him Exactly. Maxine checks her alarm clock. The time is 3:11 AM. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S CAR - NIGHT Lotte drives. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - A BIT LATER The doorbell rings. Maxine, in a sheer black nightgown, answers it. John Malkovich stands there. MAXINE Thanks so much for coming over. MALKOVICH Oh, I'm really glad you called. Maxine gestures for him to enter. As Malkovich passes by her, she checks the wall clock. The time is 3:50. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lotte sits on the floor in the dark. She leans, out of breath, against the wall next to the portal and checks her watch. The time is 4:10. She pulls open the door. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich sit a bit awkwardly next to each other on the couch. MAXINE So, do you enjoy being an actor? MALKOVICH Oh sure. It's very rewarding... The digital clock on the VCR clicks over to 4:11 AM. Maxine's look softens, and she kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. He seems surprised, but quickly warms to it. We shift top Malkovich's POV as Maxine begins to unbutton Malkovich's shirt. LOTTE (V.O.) Oh my darling. Oh my sweetheart. MAXINE I love you, Lotte. LOTTE (V.O.) Maxine... MALKOVICH (stopping) I'm sorry, did you just call me "Lotte"? MAXINE Do you mind? MALKOVICH (thinking) No, I guess not. I'm an actor. They get back to it. MAXINE Oh, my sweet, beautiful Lotte. MALKOVICH (thinks he's playing along) Yes, Maxine, yes. LOTTE (V.O.) This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT A sweaty and spent Craig sneaks back into the bedroom. He sees that the bed is empty. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT With a gasp and a wail of release, Lotte pops into the ditch. She is soaking wet and breathes heavily. She just lies there. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S KITCHEN - MORNING Craig is hunched over a cup of coffee. The front door can be heard to open. After a moment Lotte appears in the kitchen doorway. She is caked with dirt. Craig looks up at her. CRAIG You were him last night, weren't you? LOTTE (quietly) Yes. CRAIG And he was with her. LOTTE We love her, Craig. I'm sorry. CRAIG We? LOTTE Me and John. CRAIG Don't forget me. LOTTE Well, you have the Maxine action figure to play with. Craig looks down at his coffee. LOTTE (CONT'D) I'm sorry. That was nasty. CRAIG Life is confusing, isn't it? LOTTE Sometimes we're forced to make hard decisions. (beat) I'd like for us to stay together, Craig. You know, platonically, if that's possible. I truly value our friendship. CRAIG I feel that somehow my parents never prepared me to make this particular decision. Not that I blame them. How could they know? Today's world is so complicated. (beat) No. I have to go away now. I'm sorry, Lotte. I'm so sorry. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - MORNING Craig enters with red-rimmed eyes. Maxine sits at her desk, actually looking kind of radiant. MAXINE You're late. CRAIG Are you torturing me on purpose? MAXINE (matter of fact) I've fallen in love. CRAIG I don't think so. I've fallen in love. This is what people who've fallen in love look like. MAXINE You picked the unrequited variety. Very bad for the skin. CRAIG You're evil, Maxine. MAXINE Do you have any idea what its like to have two people look at you with total lust and devotion through the same pair of eyes? No I don't suppose you would. It's quite a thrill, Craig. Craig turns and walks out the door. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY 7 1/2 FLOOR - CONTINUOUS Craig hurries past a long line of fat people, all looking eager, all clutching cash. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - MORNING Lester sits at his desk. The intercom buzzes. LESTER (depressing switch) Yes, my dear? FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Someone names A Lot of Warts on line two. LESTER Thank you, Floris. FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Think, Jew florist? LESTER (pressing line 2) Good morning, Lotte! LOTTE (O.S.) Dr. Lester, everything's falling apart. CUT TO: INT. GUN SHOP - MORNING Craig is at the counter buying a pistol. CUT TO: INT. JUICY-JUICE JUICE BAR - MORNING Lester and Lotte sit at a table. They both have really large glasses of carrot juice in front of them. LOTTE I blew it, Dr. Lester. LESTER You followed your heart, my child, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. LOTTE But now we've lost access to Craig. LESTER (laughs) My child, I don't think its a great mystery what Craig's up to. CUT TO: CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY Craig stands still and tense, with gun in hand. We hear the front door unlock. Lotte enters. She does not see Craig. He grabs her from behind as she passes. Lotte screams. Craig holds the gun to her head. LOTTE I'm your Goddamn wife. Once you vowed to cherish me forever. Now you hold a gun to my head? CRAIG Yeah, well welcome to the nineties. LOTTE Suck my dick! CRAIG (slapping her) Shut up! Lotte is stunned. She feels the muzzle against her forehead. She shuts up. Keeping the gun trained on Lotte, Craig dials the phone. He hands the receiver to her. He holds his ear to the receiver also. CRAIG (CONT'D) Tell her you need to see her. LOTTE (to Craig) You bastard. Craig cocks the pistol. MAXINE (V.O.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone else can be. LOTTE (looking at Craig) I have to see you. MAXINE (V.O.) Sweetie! Oh, but we can't. It's business hours. I need to keep the membranous tunnel open for paying customers. CRAIG (sotto) Tell her, what the hell, close early today, live dangerously. LOTTE What the hell, darling. Close early today, live dangerously. MAXINE (V.O.) Oooh, doll. I love this new devil-may-care side of you. Alrighty, I'll track down Lover-boy, and I'll see both of you in one hour. Exactamundo. Maxine hangs up. Lotte hands the phone to Craig, who hangs it up. Craig opens up the big cage where Elijah is housed, and motions with the gun for Lotte to enter. LOTTE (screaming) Help! He's locking me in a cage! Craig slaps Lotte hard. She looks at him, almost sadly. NEIGHBOR Shut up! PARROT Shut up! CRAIG Lesson number one: Be careful what you teach your parrot. Craig tapes Lotte's mouth, ties her hands and feet. Elijah watches him tie her. He becomes somewhat agitated, and holds his stomach. CUT TO: INT. BROADHURST THEATER - DAY Malkovich is rehearsing some business on stage. Maxine watches from the house. She anxiously checks her watch, then points to it so Malkovich can see. MALKOVICH Tommy, can I take fifteen? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on the make-up table, against the mirror. MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Oh, sweetie... We now watch the scene from Malkovich's POV. MALKOVICH Maxine... CRAIG (V.O.) I can't believe it. This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - DAY Craig is toweling himself off, hurriedly combing his hair. Maxine enters. CRAIG You're glowing again. MAXINE A girl has a right to glow if she wants. It's in the fucking constitution. Maxine sits. Craig smiles to himself. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING Craig is feeding the various caged animals. He puts two plates of food in Elijah's cage. Lotte is ungagged and unbound now. She eats as Craig slumps down next to the cage, gun in hand. CRAIG It was lovely being you being Malkovich, my dear. I'd never seen the passionate side of sweet Maxine before, or her actual tits for that matter. If only, I've been thinking to myself, if only I could actually feel what Malkovich feels, rather than just see what he sees... And then, dare I say it, if only I could control his arms, his legs, his pelvis, and make them do my bidding. LOTTE It'll never happen, fuckface. CRAIG Ah, but you're forgetting one thing, Lambchop. LOTTE What's that? CRAIG I'm a puppeteer. Craig picks up the phone and dials. He smiles as he holds the receiver up to Lotte's face. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on Maxine's couch. MAXINE Lotte, this is so good... CRAIG (V.O.) (tense, commanding) Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Malkovich clumsily, awkwardly moves his hand across Maxine's breast. CRAIG (V.O.) (CONT'D) Holy shit, yes! MALKOVICH Holy shit, yes! CRAIG (V.O.) Holy shit! He said what I said! MALKOVICH Holy shit! He said what I said! MAXINE Lotte? Is that you? CRAIG (V.O.) Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! MALKOVICH Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! (scared) What the fuck is going on? I'm not talking. This is not me! MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Maxine kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. There is a sucking sound. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT There is a pop and Craig lands in the ditch. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT A panicked Malkovich is pulling on his clothes. MALKOVICH Something was making me talk. Some Goddamn thing was making me move. I gotta get out of here. MAXINE Oh, Dollface, it was just your passion for me taking hold. MALKOVICH No, Dollface, I know what my passion taking hold feels like. I gotta go. He leaves. Maxine falls back on the couch and sighs contentedly. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT A wet, mess Craig sits next to Lotte's cage. Lotte is bound and gagged. CRAIG I did it, sweetie. I moved his arm across your girlfriend's glorious tit. I made him talk. And, oh, there was the beginning of sensation in the fingertips. Ummmm-mmmm! It's just a matter of practice before Malkovich becomes nothing more than another puppet hanging next to my worktable. Coffee? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich paces nervously, a glass of whisky in his hand. Kevin Bacon sits on the couch and fiddles with a Rubic's Cube. MALKOVICH It's like nothing I've ever felt before. I think I'm going crazy. KEVIN BACON I'm sure you're not going crazy. MALKOVICH Kevin, I'm telling you... it was like nothing I've... KEVIN BACON Yeah yeah yeah. Yadda yadda yadda. Were you stoned? MALKOVICH Yes, but you see, someone else was talking through my mouth. KEVIN BACON You were stoned. Case closed. End of story. How hot is this babe? MALKOVICH I think it might've been this Lotte woman talking through me. Maxine likes to call me Lotte. KEVIN BACON Ouch. Now that's hot. She's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover. Let me know when you're done with her. This is my type of chick. MALKOVICH I'm done with her now. Tonight really creeped me out. KEVIN BACON You're crazy to let go of a chick who calls you Lotte. I tell you that as a friend. MALKOVICH I don't know anything about her. What if she's some sort of witch or something? KEVIN BACON All the better. Hey, Hot Lesbian Witches, next Geraldo, buddy boy. Ha ha ha. MALKOVICH I gotta know the truth, Kevin. KEVIN BACON The truth is for suckers, Johnny-Boy. CUT TO: EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING Malkovich, in a baseball cap and sunglasses, leans against the wall. After a moment, Maxine emerges from the building and walks down the block. Malkovich follows at a safe distance. CUT TO: INT. 7 1/2 FLOOR - MORNING The elevator doors are pried open. It's packed. Maxine and a few other people climb out. The last to emerge is Malkovich. He is astounded by the dimensions of the floor. He turns the corner and sees the long line of crouching fat people. Maxine goes into the office and closes the door. Maxine sees "J.M. Inc." stenciled on the office door. He turns to the first fat man and line. MALKOVICH Excuse me, what type of service does this company provide? FAT MAN You get to be John Malkovich for fifteen minutes. Two hundred clams. MALKOVICH (quietly flipped) I see. FAT MAN No cutting, by the way. Malkovich pounds on the door. FAT MAN (CONT'D) No cutting! Several fat people jump on Malkovich, and start beating him. Craig steps out of the office. CRAIG Hey! Break it up! Break it up! Everybody gets a chance to be... The fat people climb off Malkovich. His glasses and cap have been knocked off and everyone recognizes him. FAT MAN It's him! Oh, we're so sorry Mr. Malkovich! I hope me and my associates from Overeaters Anonymous didn't hurt you too terribly. MALKOVICH (to Craig) Inside. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Craig and Malkovich enter. Maxine looks up, startled, but controlling it. MAXINE Darling! MALKOVICH What the fuck is going on? CRAIG Mr. Malkovich, my name is Craig Schwartz. I can explain. We operate a little business her that... simulates, for our clientele, the experience of... being you, actually. MALKOVICH Simulates? CRAIG Sure, after a fashion. MALKOVICH Let me try. CRAIG You? Why I'm sure it would pale in comparison to the actual experience. MALKOVICH Let me try! MAXINE Let him try. CRAIG Of course, right this way, Mr. Malkovich. Compliments of the house. Craig ushers Malkovich to the portal door, opens it. MALKOVICH (repulsed by the slime) Jesus. Malkovich climbs in. The door closes. CRAIG What happens when a man climbs through his own portal? MAXINE (shrugs) How the hell would I know? I wasn't a philosophy major. CUT TO: INT. MEMBRANOUS TUNNEL - DAY Malkovich crawls through. It's murky. He's tense. Suddenly there is a slurping sound. CUT TO: PSYCHEDELIC MONTAGE We see Malkovich hurtling through different environments. It's scary: giant toads, swirling eddies of garish, colored lights, naked old people pointing and laughing, black velvet clown paintings. CUT TO: INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT Malkovich pops into a chair in a swakn night club. He's wearing a tuxedo. The woman across the table from him is also Malkovich, but in a gown. He looks around the restaurant. Everyone is Malkovich in different clothes. Malkovich is panicked. The girl Malkovich across the table looks at him seductively, winks and talks. GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich looks confused. The Malkovich waiter approaches, pen and pad in hand, ready to take their orders. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich? GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich. (Turning to Malkovich) Malkovich? Malkovich looks down at the menu. Every item is "Malkovich." He screams: MALKOVICH Malkovich! The waiter jots it down on his pad. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich. Malkovich pushes himself away from the table and runs for the exit. He passes the stage where a girl singer Malkovich is singin sensuously into the microphone. She is backed by a '40's style big band of Malkoviches. SINGING MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich flies through the back door. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - DAY Malkovich lands with a thud in the ditch. Craig is waiting there with his van. On its side is painted "See The World in Malk-O-Vision" followed by a phone number. Malkovich is huddled and shivering and soaking wet. CRAIG So how was it? MALKOVICH That... was... no... simulation. CRAIG I know. I'm sorry... MALKOVICH I have been to the dark side. I have seen a world that no man should ever see. CRAIG Really? For most people it's a rather pleasant experience. What exactly did you... MALKOVICH This portal is mine and must be sealed up forever. For the love of God. CRAIG With all respect, sir, I discovered that portal. Its my livelihood. MALKOVICH It's my head, Schwartz, and I'll see you in court! Malkovich trudges off along the shoulder of the turnpike. CRAIG (calling after him) And who's to say I won't be seeing what you're seeing... in court? Cars whiz by Malkovich. Someone yells from a passing car. MOTORIST Hey, Malkovich! Think fast! Malkovich looks up. A beer can comes flying out of the car and hits him on the head. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Craig is feeding the animals. His gun is stuck in his pants. He gets to Lotte's cage. She is bound but ungagged. She looks haggard. LOTTE Once this was a relationship based on love. Now you have me in a cage with a monkey and a gun to my head. CRAIG Things change. Anyway, you gave up your claim to that love the first time you stuck your dick in Maxine. LOTTE You fell in love with her first. CRAIG Yeah but I didn't do anything about it. Out of respect for our marriage. LOTTE You didn't do anything about it out of respect for the fact that she wouldn't let you near her with a ten foot pole, which is, by the way, about nine feet, nine inches off the mark anyway. CRAIG (beat) That's true. Oh, God, Lotte, what have I become? My wife in a cage with a monkey. A gun in my hand. Betrayal in my heart. LOTTE Maybe this is what you've always been, Craig, you just never faced it before. CRAIG Perhaps you're right. I can't let you go though. Too much has happened. You're my ace in the hole. LOTTE I need a shower. CRAIG I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry. I'm some kind of monster. I'm the guy you read about in the paper and go, "he's some kind of monster." LOTTE You're not a monster, Craig. Just a confused man. CRAIG I love you so much. She dials her phone, opens her cage, puts phone to her ear. CRAIG (CONT'D) But I gotta go now. I've got to go be Johnny. MAXINE (O.S.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone... LOTTE We have to meet. MAXINE One hour. Craig hangs up, tapes Lotte's mouth. CRAIG I'll tell you all about it when I get home. Craig exits. Lotte fiddles with the ropes on her hands Elijah, slumped in the corner of the cage, blankly watches her moving hands. Suddenly his eyes narrow. Something is going on in his brain. We move slowly into his eyes. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. JUNGLE - DAY It is a memory: blurry and overexposed, the color washed out. We see a weathered wooden sign which reads "Africa." The sound of running feet, huffing frantic breathing. We watch from up in a tree (Elijah's POV) as two men in safari suits chase a couple of chimps across the jungle floor. The chimps are screaming as the safari men tackle them and tie them up. The safari men laugh. SAFARI MAN Well, there monkeys ain't going nowhere. Let's get us a couple a brews 'fore the boss comes back... The safari men leave the chimps on the ground. We descend from the trees to the ground next to the bound chimps. One of the chimps looks at the camera. He grunts and squeals. CHIMP ONE (DUBBED VOICE) Son, untie your mother and me! Quickly! Before the great bald chimp-men return. A small pair of chimp hands enter into the frame and struggle to untie the ropes, but to no avail. Chimp two speaks. CHIMP TWO (DUBBED VOICE) Hurry, Elijah! SAFARI MAN Why you little bastard! Elijah is wrestled to the ground amidst much screaming. DISSOLVE TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - DAY Elijah shakes off the memory and looks determinedly at the ropes on Lotte's hands. He attempts to untie the knot. He works furiously and succeeds. Lotte pulls the tape from her mouth. LOTTE Oh, Elijah, you are magnificent! Elijah beams and screams for ecstatic joy. Lotte unlocks the cage, and dials the phone. LOTTE Maxine! Listen: It hasn't been me in John the last three times. Craig's had me locked up in the apartment. He made me call you at gunpoint. It's been him! Oh, God, it's been him! MAXINE (O.S.) (beat, calmly) Really? Well, you know, he's quite good. I'm surprised. Anyway, I have a session with Malkovich I have to attend. I'll speak with you soon. LOTTE But Maxine, I thought it was me you loved. MAXINE (O.S.) I thought so too, doll. I guess we were mistaken. Maxine hangs up. Lotte, visibly shaken, dials the phone. LOTTE Hello, Dr. Lester? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT The doorbell rings. Malkovich answers it. Maxine stands there, dressed in an evening gown. MALKOVICH Come on in. MAXINE I can explain about the portal, darling. MALKOVICH Don't con me, Maxine. We're over. I just let you up here to tell you that, and to tell you that I'm taking you and Schwartz to court. MAXINE Oh shut up. (beat) Craig, darling are you in there? Malkovich tenses up, then shakes his head in an awkward, puppet-like manner. When Malkovich speaks, it seems to be against him will. MALKOVICH Yes. How did you know it was me? MAXINE Lotte called me. MALKOVICH Oh, so the bitch escaped. MAXINE Apparently you can control this Malkovich fellow now. MALKOVICH I'm getting better all the time. MAXINE I'll say you are. Let's do it on his kitchen table, then make him eat an omelette off of it. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich) No... damn... you... (as Craig) Oh shut up, you overrated sack of shit. Malkovich begins undressing, and does a lewd bump and grind while looking mortified. Maxine giggles. Malkovich (Craig) laughs wildly. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lester's hand is in a bloody bandage. The juicer sits on hi desk. Lotte sits across from him looking nervous and hollow-eyed. LESTER You know I think it pays to leave juice-making to the trained professionals. You look terrible, my dear. LOTTE Craig stole Maxine from me, Dr. Lester. LESTER Hmmm, a lesbian, are you? I must inform you that I find that highly arousing. LOTTE No, you don't understand. I've been inside Malkovich when I'm with Maxine... LESTER (slaps Lotte furiously) What?! That is not allowed. My God, you are supposed to be one of us. You know you must never partake of Malkovich by yourself! LOTTE No, I didn't know that. LESTER Oh, didn't anyone show you the indoctrination video? LOTTE No. LESTER Oh, sorry. Right this way. CUT TO: INT. SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT Lotte site next to Lester in the darkened auditorium. The projector whirs. The screen lights up. TITLE: SO YOU WANT TO BE JOHN MALKOVICH A much younger Lester addresses the camera in this black and white film, which seems to have been made in the 50's. LESTER ON FILM Welcome, my fellow Malkovichians. As you may already know, today a baby was born into this sad world. We see a shot of a newborn. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) His name is John Horatio Hannibal Malkovich. And we are the keepers of the door to his soul. One day, when his brain is big enough, we will all journey into his head and live there for all eternity. Following the teachings of our leader Karl Marx, we will build the ultimate communist community, one body and hundreds, maybe thousands, of brains inside working together to form a super human intellect capable of curing disease, stopping all war, and ruling the world with a benevolent fist. We will take a wife, a woman of uncommon beauty and intellect, who is, as yet, still an infant herself. We see a photo of another infant, this one with a ribbon in her hair. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) Her name is Floris Horatia Hannibella DeMent. LOTTE Does Floris know that she's the chosen? LESTER Well, I tried to explain it to her, but... Lester points to his ear and shrugs. CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine lie naked on the bed, looking quite relaxed. MAXINE You still there, sweets? MALKOVICH Yeah. I've figured out how to hold on as long as I want. Oddly enough, it's all in the wrists. MAXINE Wow. (little girl pout) Do a puppet show for me, Craig honey. MALKOVICH You mean with Malkovich? MAXINE I'd love to see your work. MALKOVICH (pleased) Really? Yeah. Okay. Malkovich leans over and kisses her, then gets up. MALKOVICH (CONT'D) I'll do something I call "Craig's Dance of Despair and Disillusionment." Malkovich performs the same dance that the Craig pupper did at the beginning of the film. It is exactly the same, complete with impossible somersaults and perspiring brow. He finishes by falling to his knees and weeping. MAXINE (moved) That was incredible. You're brilliant! MALKOVICH You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing with dolls. MAXINE You're right, my darling, it's so much more. It's playing with people! Malkovich kisses Maxine. She snuggles close to him. MAXINE Stay in him forever? MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, screaming) No! (as Craig, calmly) But how will we make a living, my love, if our clientele doesn't have access to our product? MAXINE Well, we'll have all the money in Malkovich's bank account, plus he still gets acting work occasionally. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, breaking through) No! Please! (as Craig, to Malkovich) Shut up, will you? We're trying to think here. (to Maxine) It is sort of like being a puppeteer. I like that about it. MAXINE No one would ever have to know its not him. MALKOVICH (an idea) Wait a minute! What if everybody knew? What if we presented Malkovich as the world's most complicated puppet and me as the only puppeteer sophisticated enough to work him? We'd wipe the floor with the Great Mantini! MAXINE Oh, Craiggy, that's brilliant! CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S SHRINE ROOM - NIGHT The worshippers are assembled. Lotte stands before them. LOTTE I have sinned, unwittingly, against the community. And for this I am truly sorry. MAN #2 W-w-what's it like on the inside? LOTTE Oh, it's glorious. It's indescribable. MAN #2 Oooh, I wanna go. I wanna go. I say it's time. LESTER Perhaps you're right, Terry. We're all prepared, and perhaps this Schwartz fellow is forcing our hand a bit. We will enter the portal tonight! Everyone cheers. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich are furiously filling the portal with cement. Suddenly Malkovich stops and runs to the office door screaming a bloodcurdling scream. He stops just as suddenly, begins to strangle himself. MALKOVICH (Craig to Malkovich) Shut up! (to Maxine) Sorry, dear, I lost control for a minute. MAXINE (kissing him) It's okay, my sweet. They go back to filling the portal. There is the sound of many shuffling feet in the hallway. The door flies open and the Malkovichians led by Lester and Lotte burst in. Malkovich and Maxine turn with a start. LESTER Aaaahhhh, the portal! LOTTE (to Malkovich) You bastard! Lotte lunges for Malkovich. Lester grabs her arm, holds her back. LESTER No! Don't harm the vessel! LOTTE It's Craig in there, I can tell. LESTER I understand, but we must protect the vessel at all costs. (to Malkovich) Please, Craig, please step aside and allow us to have what is rightfully ours. CRAIG Squatter's rights, Lester. Craig laughs somewhat maniacally. Maxine slips her arm through Craig's, joins him in his laughter, and glances triumphantly over at Lotte. MAXINE Now excuse us, we have an entertainment legend to create. LESTER (to the cult members) Clear the way for them, my friends. They will be dealt with in due time. The Malkovichians grumble and let Malkovich and Maxine exit. LESTER (CONT'D) Now, let's see what we can do to salvage this portal... for the sake of all that is good. The Malkovichians converge on the sealed portal, and begin clawing desperately at the quick-drying cement. Fingers are scraped raw, and we see smears of blood and skin on the rough gray surface. CUT TO: INT. AGENT'S OFFICE - DAY A slick-looking agent answers a buzzing phone. AGENT Of course, send him right in. Don't ever keep him waiting again. Do you understand? Malkovich and Maxine enter. The agent stands, holds out his hand. AGENT (CONT'D) John! Great to see you! Sorry about the cunt at reception. MALKOVICH This is my fiancee Maxine. The agent shakes Maxine's hand. AGENT Great to see you, Maxine. Sorry about the cunt at reception. Please have a seat. Malkovich and Maxine sit. AGENT (CONT'D) Can I get you anything? Coffee? Water? MAXINE No thanks. AGENT (into phone) Teresa, get me a chicken soup. (to Malkovich and Maxine) Chicken soup? Maxine and Malkovich shake their heads "no." MALKOVICH I'll get right to the point, Larry. I'm a puppet now... AGENT Okay. MALKOVICH I'm being controlled by the world's greatest puppeteer, Craig Schwartz... AGENT (no clue) Oh yeah, he's good. MALKOVICH ... and I want to show off his skills by performing a one-puppet extravaganza in Reno. MAXINE Vegas. MALKOVICH Vegas. Can you arrange that? AGENT Sure, sure. Just let me

caged

How many times the word 'caged' appears in the text?

CRAIG What's that? LOTTE (beat) Us, of course. Craig looks up from his packing. He and Lotte stare at each other for a long while. CRAIG (tenderly) Oh, Lot... They hug. CRAIG (CONT'D) What about Maxine? LOTTE Fuck Maxine. CRAIG We wish. They look at each other and laugh, them fall back into the embrace. They both get faraway looks in their eyes. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S GARAGE - NIGHT The clock reads 3:00 AM. Craig, in his pajamas, is working the Craig and Maxine puppets. They make love on the bare puppet stage. Craig seems possessed. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS The phone rings. Maxine sleepily picks it up. MAXINE Yes? LOTTE (O.S.) I have to see you. Can you call him and invite us over? MAXINE When? LOTTE (O.S.) Give me one hour to get inside him Exactly. Maxine checks her alarm clock. The time is 3:11 AM. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S CAR - NIGHT Lotte drives. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - A BIT LATER The doorbell rings. Maxine, in a sheer black nightgown, answers it. John Malkovich stands there. MAXINE Thanks so much for coming over. MALKOVICH Oh, I'm really glad you called. Maxine gestures for him to enter. As Malkovich passes by her, she checks the wall clock. The time is 3:50. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lotte sits on the floor in the dark. She leans, out of breath, against the wall next to the portal and checks her watch. The time is 4:10. She pulls open the door. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich sit a bit awkwardly next to each other on the couch. MAXINE So, do you enjoy being an actor? MALKOVICH Oh sure. It's very rewarding... The digital clock on the VCR clicks over to 4:11 AM. Maxine's look softens, and she kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. He seems surprised, but quickly warms to it. We shift top Malkovich's POV as Maxine begins to unbutton Malkovich's shirt. LOTTE (V.O.) Oh my darling. Oh my sweetheart. MAXINE I love you, Lotte. LOTTE (V.O.) Maxine... MALKOVICH (stopping) I'm sorry, did you just call me "Lotte"? MAXINE Do you mind? MALKOVICH (thinking) No, I guess not. I'm an actor. They get back to it. MAXINE Oh, my sweet, beautiful Lotte. MALKOVICH (thinks he's playing along) Yes, Maxine, yes. LOTTE (V.O.) This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT A sweaty and spent Craig sneaks back into the bedroom. He sees that the bed is empty. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT With a gasp and a wail of release, Lotte pops into the ditch. She is soaking wet and breathes heavily. She just lies there. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S KITCHEN - MORNING Craig is hunched over a cup of coffee. The front door can be heard to open. After a moment Lotte appears in the kitchen doorway. She is caked with dirt. Craig looks up at her. CRAIG You were him last night, weren't you? LOTTE (quietly) Yes. CRAIG And he was with her. LOTTE We love her, Craig. I'm sorry. CRAIG We? LOTTE Me and John. CRAIG Don't forget me. LOTTE Well, you have the Maxine action figure to play with. Craig looks down at his coffee. LOTTE (CONT'D) I'm sorry. That was nasty. CRAIG Life is confusing, isn't it? LOTTE Sometimes we're forced to make hard decisions. (beat) I'd like for us to stay together, Craig. You know, platonically, if that's possible. I truly value our friendship. CRAIG I feel that somehow my parents never prepared me to make this particular decision. Not that I blame them. How could they know? Today's world is so complicated. (beat) No. I have to go away now. I'm sorry, Lotte. I'm so sorry. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - MORNING Craig enters with red-rimmed eyes. Maxine sits at her desk, actually looking kind of radiant. MAXINE You're late. CRAIG Are you torturing me on purpose? MAXINE (matter of fact) I've fallen in love. CRAIG I don't think so. I've fallen in love. This is what people who've fallen in love look like. MAXINE You picked the unrequited variety. Very bad for the skin. CRAIG You're evil, Maxine. MAXINE Do you have any idea what its like to have two people look at you with total lust and devotion through the same pair of eyes? No I don't suppose you would. It's quite a thrill, Craig. Craig turns and walks out the door. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY 7 1/2 FLOOR - CONTINUOUS Craig hurries past a long line of fat people, all looking eager, all clutching cash. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - MORNING Lester sits at his desk. The intercom buzzes. LESTER (depressing switch) Yes, my dear? FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Someone names A Lot of Warts on line two. LESTER Thank you, Floris. FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Think, Jew florist? LESTER (pressing line 2) Good morning, Lotte! LOTTE (O.S.) Dr. Lester, everything's falling apart. CUT TO: INT. GUN SHOP - MORNING Craig is at the counter buying a pistol. CUT TO: INT. JUICY-JUICE JUICE BAR - MORNING Lester and Lotte sit at a table. They both have really large glasses of carrot juice in front of them. LOTTE I blew it, Dr. Lester. LESTER You followed your heart, my child, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. LOTTE But now we've lost access to Craig. LESTER (laughs) My child, I don't think its a great mystery what Craig's up to. CUT TO: CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY Craig stands still and tense, with gun in hand. We hear the front door unlock. Lotte enters. She does not see Craig. He grabs her from behind as she passes. Lotte screams. Craig holds the gun to her head. LOTTE I'm your Goddamn wife. Once you vowed to cherish me forever. Now you hold a gun to my head? CRAIG Yeah, well welcome to the nineties. LOTTE Suck my dick! CRAIG (slapping her) Shut up! Lotte is stunned. She feels the muzzle against her forehead. She shuts up. Keeping the gun trained on Lotte, Craig dials the phone. He hands the receiver to her. He holds his ear to the receiver also. CRAIG (CONT'D) Tell her you need to see her. LOTTE (to Craig) You bastard. Craig cocks the pistol. MAXINE (V.O.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone else can be. LOTTE (looking at Craig) I have to see you. MAXINE (V.O.) Sweetie! Oh, but we can't. It's business hours. I need to keep the membranous tunnel open for paying customers. CRAIG (sotto) Tell her, what the hell, close early today, live dangerously. LOTTE What the hell, darling. Close early today, live dangerously. MAXINE (V.O.) Oooh, doll. I love this new devil-may-care side of you. Alrighty, I'll track down Lover-boy, and I'll see both of you in one hour. Exactamundo. Maxine hangs up. Lotte hands the phone to Craig, who hangs it up. Craig opens up the big cage where Elijah is housed, and motions with the gun for Lotte to enter. LOTTE (screaming) Help! He's locking me in a cage! Craig slaps Lotte hard. She looks at him, almost sadly. NEIGHBOR Shut up! PARROT Shut up! CRAIG Lesson number one: Be careful what you teach your parrot. Craig tapes Lotte's mouth, ties her hands and feet. Elijah watches him tie her. He becomes somewhat agitated, and holds his stomach. CUT TO: INT. BROADHURST THEATER - DAY Malkovich is rehearsing some business on stage. Maxine watches from the house. She anxiously checks her watch, then points to it so Malkovich can see. MALKOVICH Tommy, can I take fifteen? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on the make-up table, against the mirror. MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Oh, sweetie... We now watch the scene from Malkovich's POV. MALKOVICH Maxine... CRAIG (V.O.) I can't believe it. This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - DAY Craig is toweling himself off, hurriedly combing his hair. Maxine enters. CRAIG You're glowing again. MAXINE A girl has a right to glow if she wants. It's in the fucking constitution. Maxine sits. Craig smiles to himself. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING Craig is feeding the various caged animals. He puts two plates of food in Elijah's cage. Lotte is ungagged and unbound now. She eats as Craig slumps down next to the cage, gun in hand. CRAIG It was lovely being you being Malkovich, my dear. I'd never seen the passionate side of sweet Maxine before, or her actual tits for that matter. If only, I've been thinking to myself, if only I could actually feel what Malkovich feels, rather than just see what he sees... And then, dare I say it, if only I could control his arms, his legs, his pelvis, and make them do my bidding. LOTTE It'll never happen, fuckface. CRAIG Ah, but you're forgetting one thing, Lambchop. LOTTE What's that? CRAIG I'm a puppeteer. Craig picks up the phone and dials. He smiles as he holds the receiver up to Lotte's face. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on Maxine's couch. MAXINE Lotte, this is so good... CRAIG (V.O.) (tense, commanding) Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Malkovich clumsily, awkwardly moves his hand across Maxine's breast. CRAIG (V.O.) (CONT'D) Holy shit, yes! MALKOVICH Holy shit, yes! CRAIG (V.O.) Holy shit! He said what I said! MALKOVICH Holy shit! He said what I said! MAXINE Lotte? Is that you? CRAIG (V.O.) Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! MALKOVICH Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! (scared) What the fuck is going on? I'm not talking. This is not me! MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Maxine kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. There is a sucking sound. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT There is a pop and Craig lands in the ditch. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT A panicked Malkovich is pulling on his clothes. MALKOVICH Something was making me talk. Some Goddamn thing was making me move. I gotta get out of here. MAXINE Oh, Dollface, it was just your passion for me taking hold. MALKOVICH No, Dollface, I know what my passion taking hold feels like. I gotta go. He leaves. Maxine falls back on the couch and sighs contentedly. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT A wet, mess Craig sits next to Lotte's cage. Lotte is bound and gagged. CRAIG I did it, sweetie. I moved his arm across your girlfriend's glorious tit. I made him talk. And, oh, there was the beginning of sensation in the fingertips. Ummmm-mmmm! It's just a matter of practice before Malkovich becomes nothing more than another puppet hanging next to my worktable. Coffee? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich paces nervously, a glass of whisky in his hand. Kevin Bacon sits on the couch and fiddles with a Rubic's Cube. MALKOVICH It's like nothing I've ever felt before. I think I'm going crazy. KEVIN BACON I'm sure you're not going crazy. MALKOVICH Kevin, I'm telling you... it was like nothing I've... KEVIN BACON Yeah yeah yeah. Yadda yadda yadda. Were you stoned? MALKOVICH Yes, but you see, someone else was talking through my mouth. KEVIN BACON You were stoned. Case closed. End of story. How hot is this babe? MALKOVICH I think it might've been this Lotte woman talking through me. Maxine likes to call me Lotte. KEVIN BACON Ouch. Now that's hot. She's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover. Let me know when you're done with her. This is my type of chick. MALKOVICH I'm done with her now. Tonight really creeped me out. KEVIN BACON You're crazy to let go of a chick who calls you Lotte. I tell you that as a friend. MALKOVICH I don't know anything about her. What if she's some sort of witch or something? KEVIN BACON All the better. Hey, Hot Lesbian Witches, next Geraldo, buddy boy. Ha ha ha. MALKOVICH I gotta know the truth, Kevin. KEVIN BACON The truth is for suckers, Johnny-Boy. CUT TO: EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING Malkovich, in a baseball cap and sunglasses, leans against the wall. After a moment, Maxine emerges from the building and walks down the block. Malkovich follows at a safe distance. CUT TO: INT. 7 1/2 FLOOR - MORNING The elevator doors are pried open. It's packed. Maxine and a few other people climb out. The last to emerge is Malkovich. He is astounded by the dimensions of the floor. He turns the corner and sees the long line of crouching fat people. Maxine goes into the office and closes the door. Maxine sees "J.M. Inc." stenciled on the office door. He turns to the first fat man and line. MALKOVICH Excuse me, what type of service does this company provide? FAT MAN You get to be John Malkovich for fifteen minutes. Two hundred clams. MALKOVICH (quietly flipped) I see. FAT MAN No cutting, by the way. Malkovich pounds on the door. FAT MAN (CONT'D) No cutting! Several fat people jump on Malkovich, and start beating him. Craig steps out of the office. CRAIG Hey! Break it up! Break it up! Everybody gets a chance to be... The fat people climb off Malkovich. His glasses and cap have been knocked off and everyone recognizes him. FAT MAN It's him! Oh, we're so sorry Mr. Malkovich! I hope me and my associates from Overeaters Anonymous didn't hurt you too terribly. MALKOVICH (to Craig) Inside. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Craig and Malkovich enter. Maxine looks up, startled, but controlling it. MAXINE Darling! MALKOVICH What the fuck is going on? CRAIG Mr. Malkovich, my name is Craig Schwartz. I can explain. We operate a little business her that... simulates, for our clientele, the experience of... being you, actually. MALKOVICH Simulates? CRAIG Sure, after a fashion. MALKOVICH Let me try. CRAIG You? Why I'm sure it would pale in comparison to the actual experience. MALKOVICH Let me try! MAXINE Let him try. CRAIG Of course, right this way, Mr. Malkovich. Compliments of the house. Craig ushers Malkovich to the portal door, opens it. MALKOVICH (repulsed by the slime) Jesus. Malkovich climbs in. The door closes. CRAIG What happens when a man climbs through his own portal? MAXINE (shrugs) How the hell would I know? I wasn't a philosophy major. CUT TO: INT. MEMBRANOUS TUNNEL - DAY Malkovich crawls through. It's murky. He's tense. Suddenly there is a slurping sound. CUT TO: PSYCHEDELIC MONTAGE We see Malkovich hurtling through different environments. It's scary: giant toads, swirling eddies of garish, colored lights, naked old people pointing and laughing, black velvet clown paintings. CUT TO: INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT Malkovich pops into a chair in a swakn night club. He's wearing a tuxedo. The woman across the table from him is also Malkovich, but in a gown. He looks around the restaurant. Everyone is Malkovich in different clothes. Malkovich is panicked. The girl Malkovich across the table looks at him seductively, winks and talks. GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich looks confused. The Malkovich waiter approaches, pen and pad in hand, ready to take their orders. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich? GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich. (Turning to Malkovich) Malkovich? Malkovich looks down at the menu. Every item is "Malkovich." He screams: MALKOVICH Malkovich! The waiter jots it down on his pad. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich. Malkovich pushes himself away from the table and runs for the exit. He passes the stage where a girl singer Malkovich is singin sensuously into the microphone. She is backed by a '40's style big band of Malkoviches. SINGING MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich flies through the back door. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - DAY Malkovich lands with a thud in the ditch. Craig is waiting there with his van. On its side is painted "See The World in Malk-O-Vision" followed by a phone number. Malkovich is huddled and shivering and soaking wet. CRAIG So how was it? MALKOVICH That... was... no... simulation. CRAIG I know. I'm sorry... MALKOVICH I have been to the dark side. I have seen a world that no man should ever see. CRAIG Really? For most people it's a rather pleasant experience. What exactly did you... MALKOVICH This portal is mine and must be sealed up forever. For the love of God. CRAIG With all respect, sir, I discovered that portal. Its my livelihood. MALKOVICH It's my head, Schwartz, and I'll see you in court! Malkovich trudges off along the shoulder of the turnpike. CRAIG (calling after him) And who's to say I won't be seeing what you're seeing... in court? Cars whiz by Malkovich. Someone yells from a passing car. MOTORIST Hey, Malkovich! Think fast! Malkovich looks up. A beer can comes flying out of the car and hits him on the head. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Craig is feeding the animals. His gun is stuck in his pants. He gets to Lotte's cage. She is bound but ungagged. She looks haggard. LOTTE Once this was a relationship based on love. Now you have me in a cage with a monkey and a gun to my head. CRAIG Things change. Anyway, you gave up your claim to that love the first time you stuck your dick in Maxine. LOTTE You fell in love with her first. CRAIG Yeah but I didn't do anything about it. Out of respect for our marriage. LOTTE You didn't do anything about it out of respect for the fact that she wouldn't let you near her with a ten foot pole, which is, by the way, about nine feet, nine inches off the mark anyway. CRAIG (beat) That's true. Oh, God, Lotte, what have I become? My wife in a cage with a monkey. A gun in my hand. Betrayal in my heart. LOTTE Maybe this is what you've always been, Craig, you just never faced it before. CRAIG Perhaps you're right. I can't let you go though. Too much has happened. You're my ace in the hole. LOTTE I need a shower. CRAIG I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry. I'm some kind of monster. I'm the guy you read about in the paper and go, "he's some kind of monster." LOTTE You're not a monster, Craig. Just a confused man. CRAIG I love you so much. She dials her phone, opens her cage, puts phone to her ear. CRAIG (CONT'D) But I gotta go now. I've got to go be Johnny. MAXINE (O.S.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone... LOTTE We have to meet. MAXINE One hour. Craig hangs up, tapes Lotte's mouth. CRAIG I'll tell you all about it when I get home. Craig exits. Lotte fiddles with the ropes on her hands Elijah, slumped in the corner of the cage, blankly watches her moving hands. Suddenly his eyes narrow. Something is going on in his brain. We move slowly into his eyes. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. JUNGLE - DAY It is a memory: blurry and overexposed, the color washed out. We see a weathered wooden sign which reads "Africa." The sound of running feet, huffing frantic breathing. We watch from up in a tree (Elijah's POV) as two men in safari suits chase a couple of chimps across the jungle floor. The chimps are screaming as the safari men tackle them and tie them up. The safari men laugh. SAFARI MAN Well, there monkeys ain't going nowhere. Let's get us a couple a brews 'fore the boss comes back... The safari men leave the chimps on the ground. We descend from the trees to the ground next to the bound chimps. One of the chimps looks at the camera. He grunts and squeals. CHIMP ONE (DUBBED VOICE) Son, untie your mother and me! Quickly! Before the great bald chimp-men return. A small pair of chimp hands enter into the frame and struggle to untie the ropes, but to no avail. Chimp two speaks. CHIMP TWO (DUBBED VOICE) Hurry, Elijah! SAFARI MAN Why you little bastard! Elijah is wrestled to the ground amidst much screaming. DISSOLVE TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - DAY Elijah shakes off the memory and looks determinedly at the ropes on Lotte's hands. He attempts to untie the knot. He works furiously and succeeds. Lotte pulls the tape from her mouth. LOTTE Oh, Elijah, you are magnificent! Elijah beams and screams for ecstatic joy. Lotte unlocks the cage, and dials the phone. LOTTE Maxine! Listen: It hasn't been me in John the last three times. Craig's had me locked up in the apartment. He made me call you at gunpoint. It's been him! Oh, God, it's been him! MAXINE (O.S.) (beat, calmly) Really? Well, you know, he's quite good. I'm surprised. Anyway, I have a session with Malkovich I have to attend. I'll speak with you soon. LOTTE But Maxine, I thought it was me you loved. MAXINE (O.S.) I thought so too, doll. I guess we were mistaken. Maxine hangs up. Lotte, visibly shaken, dials the phone. LOTTE Hello, Dr. Lester? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT The doorbell rings. Malkovich answers it. Maxine stands there, dressed in an evening gown. MALKOVICH Come on in. MAXINE I can explain about the portal, darling. MALKOVICH Don't con me, Maxine. We're over. I just let you up here to tell you that, and to tell you that I'm taking you and Schwartz to court. MAXINE Oh shut up. (beat) Craig, darling are you in there? Malkovich tenses up, then shakes his head in an awkward, puppet-like manner. When Malkovich speaks, it seems to be against him will. MALKOVICH Yes. How did you know it was me? MAXINE Lotte called me. MALKOVICH Oh, so the bitch escaped. MAXINE Apparently you can control this Malkovich fellow now. MALKOVICH I'm getting better all the time. MAXINE I'll say you are. Let's do it on his kitchen table, then make him eat an omelette off of it. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich) No... damn... you... (as Craig) Oh shut up, you overrated sack of shit. Malkovich begins undressing, and does a lewd bump and grind while looking mortified. Maxine giggles. Malkovich (Craig) laughs wildly. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lester's hand is in a bloody bandage. The juicer sits on hi desk. Lotte sits across from him looking nervous and hollow-eyed. LESTER You know I think it pays to leave juice-making to the trained professionals. You look terrible, my dear. LOTTE Craig stole Maxine from me, Dr. Lester. LESTER Hmmm, a lesbian, are you? I must inform you that I find that highly arousing. LOTTE No, you don't understand. I've been inside Malkovich when I'm with Maxine... LESTER (slaps Lotte furiously) What?! That is not allowed. My God, you are supposed to be one of us. You know you must never partake of Malkovich by yourself! LOTTE No, I didn't know that. LESTER Oh, didn't anyone show you the indoctrination video? LOTTE No. LESTER Oh, sorry. Right this way. CUT TO: INT. SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT Lotte site next to Lester in the darkened auditorium. The projector whirs. The screen lights up. TITLE: SO YOU WANT TO BE JOHN MALKOVICH A much younger Lester addresses the camera in this black and white film, which seems to have been made in the 50's. LESTER ON FILM Welcome, my fellow Malkovichians. As you may already know, today a baby was born into this sad world. We see a shot of a newborn. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) His name is John Horatio Hannibal Malkovich. And we are the keepers of the door to his soul. One day, when his brain is big enough, we will all journey into his head and live there for all eternity. Following the teachings of our leader Karl Marx, we will build the ultimate communist community, one body and hundreds, maybe thousands, of brains inside working together to form a super human intellect capable of curing disease, stopping all war, and ruling the world with a benevolent fist. We will take a wife, a woman of uncommon beauty and intellect, who is, as yet, still an infant herself. We see a photo of another infant, this one with a ribbon in her hair. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) Her name is Floris Horatia Hannibella DeMent. LOTTE Does Floris know that she's the chosen? LESTER Well, I tried to explain it to her, but... Lester points to his ear and shrugs. CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine lie naked on the bed, looking quite relaxed. MAXINE You still there, sweets? MALKOVICH Yeah. I've figured out how to hold on as long as I want. Oddly enough, it's all in the wrists. MAXINE Wow. (little girl pout) Do a puppet show for me, Craig honey. MALKOVICH You mean with Malkovich? MAXINE I'd love to see your work. MALKOVICH (pleased) Really? Yeah. Okay. Malkovich leans over and kisses her, then gets up. MALKOVICH (CONT'D) I'll do something I call "Craig's Dance of Despair and Disillusionment." Malkovich performs the same dance that the Craig pupper did at the beginning of the film. It is exactly the same, complete with impossible somersaults and perspiring brow. He finishes by falling to his knees and weeping. MAXINE (moved) That was incredible. You're brilliant! MALKOVICH You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing with dolls. MAXINE You're right, my darling, it's so much more. It's playing with people! Malkovich kisses Maxine. She snuggles close to him. MAXINE Stay in him forever? MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, screaming) No! (as Craig, calmly) But how will we make a living, my love, if our clientele doesn't have access to our product? MAXINE Well, we'll have all the money in Malkovich's bank account, plus he still gets acting work occasionally. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, breaking through) No! Please! (as Craig, to Malkovich) Shut up, will you? We're trying to think here. (to Maxine) It is sort of like being a puppeteer. I like that about it. MAXINE No one would ever have to know its not him. MALKOVICH (an idea) Wait a minute! What if everybody knew? What if we presented Malkovich as the world's most complicated puppet and me as the only puppeteer sophisticated enough to work him? We'd wipe the floor with the Great Mantini! MAXINE Oh, Craiggy, that's brilliant! CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S SHRINE ROOM - NIGHT The worshippers are assembled. Lotte stands before them. LOTTE I have sinned, unwittingly, against the community. And for this I am truly sorry. MAN #2 W-w-what's it like on the inside? LOTTE Oh, it's glorious. It's indescribable. MAN #2 Oooh, I wanna go. I wanna go. I say it's time. LESTER Perhaps you're right, Terry. We're all prepared, and perhaps this Schwartz fellow is forcing our hand a bit. We will enter the portal tonight! Everyone cheers. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich are furiously filling the portal with cement. Suddenly Malkovich stops and runs to the office door screaming a bloodcurdling scream. He stops just as suddenly, begins to strangle himself. MALKOVICH (Craig to Malkovich) Shut up! (to Maxine) Sorry, dear, I lost control for a minute. MAXINE (kissing him) It's okay, my sweet. They go back to filling the portal. There is the sound of many shuffling feet in the hallway. The door flies open and the Malkovichians led by Lester and Lotte burst in. Malkovich and Maxine turn with a start. LESTER Aaaahhhh, the portal! LOTTE (to Malkovich) You bastard! Lotte lunges for Malkovich. Lester grabs her arm, holds her back. LESTER No! Don't harm the vessel! LOTTE It's Craig in there, I can tell. LESTER I understand, but we must protect the vessel at all costs. (to Malkovich) Please, Craig, please step aside and allow us to have what is rightfully ours. CRAIG Squatter's rights, Lester. Craig laughs somewhat maniacally. Maxine slips her arm through Craig's, joins him in his laughter, and glances triumphantly over at Lotte. MAXINE Now excuse us, we have an entertainment legend to create. LESTER (to the cult members) Clear the way for them, my friends. They will be dealt with in due time. The Malkovichians grumble and let Malkovich and Maxine exit. LESTER (CONT'D) Now, let's see what we can do to salvage this portal... for the sake of all that is good. The Malkovichians converge on the sealed portal, and begin clawing desperately at the quick-drying cement. Fingers are scraped raw, and we see smears of blood and skin on the rough gray surface. CUT TO: INT. AGENT'S OFFICE - DAY A slick-looking agent answers a buzzing phone. AGENT Of course, send him right in. Don't ever keep him waiting again. Do you understand? Malkovich and Maxine enter. The agent stands, holds out his hand. AGENT (CONT'D) John! Great to see you! Sorry about the cunt at reception. MALKOVICH This is my fiancee Maxine. The agent shakes Maxine's hand. AGENT Great to see you, Maxine. Sorry about the cunt at reception. Please have a seat. Malkovich and Maxine sit. AGENT (CONT'D) Can I get you anything? Coffee? Water? MAXINE No thanks. AGENT (into phone) Teresa, get me a chicken soup. (to Malkovich and Maxine) Chicken soup? Maxine and Malkovich shake their heads "no." MALKOVICH I'll get right to the point, Larry. I'm a puppet now... AGENT Okay. MALKOVICH I'm being controlled by the world's greatest puppeteer, Craig Schwartz... AGENT (no clue) Oh yeah, he's good. MALKOVICH ... and I want to show off his skills by performing a one-puppet extravaganza in Reno. MAXINE Vegas. MALKOVICH Vegas. Can you arrange that? AGENT Sure, sure. Just let me

room

How many times the word 'room' appears in the text?

CRAIG What's that? LOTTE (beat) Us, of course. Craig looks up from his packing. He and Lotte stare at each other for a long while. CRAIG (tenderly) Oh, Lot... They hug. CRAIG (CONT'D) What about Maxine? LOTTE Fuck Maxine. CRAIG We wish. They look at each other and laugh, them fall back into the embrace. They both get faraway looks in their eyes. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S GARAGE - NIGHT The clock reads 3:00 AM. Craig, in his pajamas, is working the Craig and Maxine puppets. They make love on the bare puppet stage. Craig seems possessed. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS The phone rings. Maxine sleepily picks it up. MAXINE Yes? LOTTE (O.S.) I have to see you. Can you call him and invite us over? MAXINE When? LOTTE (O.S.) Give me one hour to get inside him Exactly. Maxine checks her alarm clock. The time is 3:11 AM. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S CAR - NIGHT Lotte drives. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - A BIT LATER The doorbell rings. Maxine, in a sheer black nightgown, answers it. John Malkovich stands there. MAXINE Thanks so much for coming over. MALKOVICH Oh, I'm really glad you called. Maxine gestures for him to enter. As Malkovich passes by her, she checks the wall clock. The time is 3:50. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lotte sits on the floor in the dark. She leans, out of breath, against the wall next to the portal and checks her watch. The time is 4:10. She pulls open the door. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich sit a bit awkwardly next to each other on the couch. MAXINE So, do you enjoy being an actor? MALKOVICH Oh sure. It's very rewarding... The digital clock on the VCR clicks over to 4:11 AM. Maxine's look softens, and she kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. He seems surprised, but quickly warms to it. We shift top Malkovich's POV as Maxine begins to unbutton Malkovich's shirt. LOTTE (V.O.) Oh my darling. Oh my sweetheart. MAXINE I love you, Lotte. LOTTE (V.O.) Maxine... MALKOVICH (stopping) I'm sorry, did you just call me "Lotte"? MAXINE Do you mind? MALKOVICH (thinking) No, I guess not. I'm an actor. They get back to it. MAXINE Oh, my sweet, beautiful Lotte. MALKOVICH (thinks he's playing along) Yes, Maxine, yes. LOTTE (V.O.) This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT A sweaty and spent Craig sneaks back into the bedroom. He sees that the bed is empty. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT With a gasp and a wail of release, Lotte pops into the ditch. She is soaking wet and breathes heavily. She just lies there. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S KITCHEN - MORNING Craig is hunched over a cup of coffee. The front door can be heard to open. After a moment Lotte appears in the kitchen doorway. She is caked with dirt. Craig looks up at her. CRAIG You were him last night, weren't you? LOTTE (quietly) Yes. CRAIG And he was with her. LOTTE We love her, Craig. I'm sorry. CRAIG We? LOTTE Me and John. CRAIG Don't forget me. LOTTE Well, you have the Maxine action figure to play with. Craig looks down at his coffee. LOTTE (CONT'D) I'm sorry. That was nasty. CRAIG Life is confusing, isn't it? LOTTE Sometimes we're forced to make hard decisions. (beat) I'd like for us to stay together, Craig. You know, platonically, if that's possible. I truly value our friendship. CRAIG I feel that somehow my parents never prepared me to make this particular decision. Not that I blame them. How could they know? Today's world is so complicated. (beat) No. I have to go away now. I'm sorry, Lotte. I'm so sorry. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - MORNING Craig enters with red-rimmed eyes. Maxine sits at her desk, actually looking kind of radiant. MAXINE You're late. CRAIG Are you torturing me on purpose? MAXINE (matter of fact) I've fallen in love. CRAIG I don't think so. I've fallen in love. This is what people who've fallen in love look like. MAXINE You picked the unrequited variety. Very bad for the skin. CRAIG You're evil, Maxine. MAXINE Do you have any idea what its like to have two people look at you with total lust and devotion through the same pair of eyes? No I don't suppose you would. It's quite a thrill, Craig. Craig turns and walks out the door. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY 7 1/2 FLOOR - CONTINUOUS Craig hurries past a long line of fat people, all looking eager, all clutching cash. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - MORNING Lester sits at his desk. The intercom buzzes. LESTER (depressing switch) Yes, my dear? FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Someone names A Lot of Warts on line two. LESTER Thank you, Floris. FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Think, Jew florist? LESTER (pressing line 2) Good morning, Lotte! LOTTE (O.S.) Dr. Lester, everything's falling apart. CUT TO: INT. GUN SHOP - MORNING Craig is at the counter buying a pistol. CUT TO: INT. JUICY-JUICE JUICE BAR - MORNING Lester and Lotte sit at a table. They both have really large glasses of carrot juice in front of them. LOTTE I blew it, Dr. Lester. LESTER You followed your heart, my child, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. LOTTE But now we've lost access to Craig. LESTER (laughs) My child, I don't think its a great mystery what Craig's up to. CUT TO: CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY Craig stands still and tense, with gun in hand. We hear the front door unlock. Lotte enters. She does not see Craig. He grabs her from behind as she passes. Lotte screams. Craig holds the gun to her head. LOTTE I'm your Goddamn wife. Once you vowed to cherish me forever. Now you hold a gun to my head? CRAIG Yeah, well welcome to the nineties. LOTTE Suck my dick! CRAIG (slapping her) Shut up! Lotte is stunned. She feels the muzzle against her forehead. She shuts up. Keeping the gun trained on Lotte, Craig dials the phone. He hands the receiver to her. He holds his ear to the receiver also. CRAIG (CONT'D) Tell her you need to see her. LOTTE (to Craig) You bastard. Craig cocks the pistol. MAXINE (V.O.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone else can be. LOTTE (looking at Craig) I have to see you. MAXINE (V.O.) Sweetie! Oh, but we can't. It's business hours. I need to keep the membranous tunnel open for paying customers. CRAIG (sotto) Tell her, what the hell, close early today, live dangerously. LOTTE What the hell, darling. Close early today, live dangerously. MAXINE (V.O.) Oooh, doll. I love this new devil-may-care side of you. Alrighty, I'll track down Lover-boy, and I'll see both of you in one hour. Exactamundo. Maxine hangs up. Lotte hands the phone to Craig, who hangs it up. Craig opens up the big cage where Elijah is housed, and motions with the gun for Lotte to enter. LOTTE (screaming) Help! He's locking me in a cage! Craig slaps Lotte hard. She looks at him, almost sadly. NEIGHBOR Shut up! PARROT Shut up! CRAIG Lesson number one: Be careful what you teach your parrot. Craig tapes Lotte's mouth, ties her hands and feet. Elijah watches him tie her. He becomes somewhat agitated, and holds his stomach. CUT TO: INT. BROADHURST THEATER - DAY Malkovich is rehearsing some business on stage. Maxine watches from the house. She anxiously checks her watch, then points to it so Malkovich can see. MALKOVICH Tommy, can I take fifteen? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on the make-up table, against the mirror. MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Oh, sweetie... We now watch the scene from Malkovich's POV. MALKOVICH Maxine... CRAIG (V.O.) I can't believe it. This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - DAY Craig is toweling himself off, hurriedly combing his hair. Maxine enters. CRAIG You're glowing again. MAXINE A girl has a right to glow if she wants. It's in the fucking constitution. Maxine sits. Craig smiles to himself. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING Craig is feeding the various caged animals. He puts two plates of food in Elijah's cage. Lotte is ungagged and unbound now. She eats as Craig slumps down next to the cage, gun in hand. CRAIG It was lovely being you being Malkovich, my dear. I'd never seen the passionate side of sweet Maxine before, or her actual tits for that matter. If only, I've been thinking to myself, if only I could actually feel what Malkovich feels, rather than just see what he sees... And then, dare I say it, if only I could control his arms, his legs, his pelvis, and make them do my bidding. LOTTE It'll never happen, fuckface. CRAIG Ah, but you're forgetting one thing, Lambchop. LOTTE What's that? CRAIG I'm a puppeteer. Craig picks up the phone and dials. He smiles as he holds the receiver up to Lotte's face. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on Maxine's couch. MAXINE Lotte, this is so good... CRAIG (V.O.) (tense, commanding) Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Malkovich clumsily, awkwardly moves his hand across Maxine's breast. CRAIG (V.O.) (CONT'D) Holy shit, yes! MALKOVICH Holy shit, yes! CRAIG (V.O.) Holy shit! He said what I said! MALKOVICH Holy shit! He said what I said! MAXINE Lotte? Is that you? CRAIG (V.O.) Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! MALKOVICH Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! (scared) What the fuck is going on? I'm not talking. This is not me! MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Maxine kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. There is a sucking sound. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT There is a pop and Craig lands in the ditch. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT A panicked Malkovich is pulling on his clothes. MALKOVICH Something was making me talk. Some Goddamn thing was making me move. I gotta get out of here. MAXINE Oh, Dollface, it was just your passion for me taking hold. MALKOVICH No, Dollface, I know what my passion taking hold feels like. I gotta go. He leaves. Maxine falls back on the couch and sighs contentedly. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT A wet, mess Craig sits next to Lotte's cage. Lotte is bound and gagged. CRAIG I did it, sweetie. I moved his arm across your girlfriend's glorious tit. I made him talk. And, oh, there was the beginning of sensation in the fingertips. Ummmm-mmmm! It's just a matter of practice before Malkovich becomes nothing more than another puppet hanging next to my worktable. Coffee? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich paces nervously, a glass of whisky in his hand. Kevin Bacon sits on the couch and fiddles with a Rubic's Cube. MALKOVICH It's like nothing I've ever felt before. I think I'm going crazy. KEVIN BACON I'm sure you're not going crazy. MALKOVICH Kevin, I'm telling you... it was like nothing I've... KEVIN BACON Yeah yeah yeah. Yadda yadda yadda. Were you stoned? MALKOVICH Yes, but you see, someone else was talking through my mouth. KEVIN BACON You were stoned. Case closed. End of story. How hot is this babe? MALKOVICH I think it might've been this Lotte woman talking through me. Maxine likes to call me Lotte. KEVIN BACON Ouch. Now that's hot. She's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover. Let me know when you're done with her. This is my type of chick. MALKOVICH I'm done with her now. Tonight really creeped me out. KEVIN BACON You're crazy to let go of a chick who calls you Lotte. I tell you that as a friend. MALKOVICH I don't know anything about her. What if she's some sort of witch or something? KEVIN BACON All the better. Hey, Hot Lesbian Witches, next Geraldo, buddy boy. Ha ha ha. MALKOVICH I gotta know the truth, Kevin. KEVIN BACON The truth is for suckers, Johnny-Boy. CUT TO: EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING Malkovich, in a baseball cap and sunglasses, leans against the wall. After a moment, Maxine emerges from the building and walks down the block. Malkovich follows at a safe distance. CUT TO: INT. 7 1/2 FLOOR - MORNING The elevator doors are pried open. It's packed. Maxine and a few other people climb out. The last to emerge is Malkovich. He is astounded by the dimensions of the floor. He turns the corner and sees the long line of crouching fat people. Maxine goes into the office and closes the door. Maxine sees "J.M. Inc." stenciled on the office door. He turns to the first fat man and line. MALKOVICH Excuse me, what type of service does this company provide? FAT MAN You get to be John Malkovich for fifteen minutes. Two hundred clams. MALKOVICH (quietly flipped) I see. FAT MAN No cutting, by the way. Malkovich pounds on the door. FAT MAN (CONT'D) No cutting! Several fat people jump on Malkovich, and start beating him. Craig steps out of the office. CRAIG Hey! Break it up! Break it up! Everybody gets a chance to be... The fat people climb off Malkovich. His glasses and cap have been knocked off and everyone recognizes him. FAT MAN It's him! Oh, we're so sorry Mr. Malkovich! I hope me and my associates from Overeaters Anonymous didn't hurt you too terribly. MALKOVICH (to Craig) Inside. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Craig and Malkovich enter. Maxine looks up, startled, but controlling it. MAXINE Darling! MALKOVICH What the fuck is going on? CRAIG Mr. Malkovich, my name is Craig Schwartz. I can explain. We operate a little business her that... simulates, for our clientele, the experience of... being you, actually. MALKOVICH Simulates? CRAIG Sure, after a fashion. MALKOVICH Let me try. CRAIG You? Why I'm sure it would pale in comparison to the actual experience. MALKOVICH Let me try! MAXINE Let him try. CRAIG Of course, right this way, Mr. Malkovich. Compliments of the house. Craig ushers Malkovich to the portal door, opens it. MALKOVICH (repulsed by the slime) Jesus. Malkovich climbs in. The door closes. CRAIG What happens when a man climbs through his own portal? MAXINE (shrugs) How the hell would I know? I wasn't a philosophy major. CUT TO: INT. MEMBRANOUS TUNNEL - DAY Malkovich crawls through. It's murky. He's tense. Suddenly there is a slurping sound. CUT TO: PSYCHEDELIC MONTAGE We see Malkovich hurtling through different environments. It's scary: giant toads, swirling eddies of garish, colored lights, naked old people pointing and laughing, black velvet clown paintings. CUT TO: INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT Malkovich pops into a chair in a swakn night club. He's wearing a tuxedo. The woman across the table from him is also Malkovich, but in a gown. He looks around the restaurant. Everyone is Malkovich in different clothes. Malkovich is panicked. The girl Malkovich across the table looks at him seductively, winks and talks. GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich looks confused. The Malkovich waiter approaches, pen and pad in hand, ready to take their orders. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich? GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich. (Turning to Malkovich) Malkovich? Malkovich looks down at the menu. Every item is "Malkovich." He screams: MALKOVICH Malkovich! The waiter jots it down on his pad. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich. Malkovich pushes himself away from the table and runs for the exit. He passes the stage where a girl singer Malkovich is singin sensuously into the microphone. She is backed by a '40's style big band of Malkoviches. SINGING MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich flies through the back door. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - DAY Malkovich lands with a thud in the ditch. Craig is waiting there with his van. On its side is painted "See The World in Malk-O-Vision" followed by a phone number. Malkovich is huddled and shivering and soaking wet. CRAIG So how was it? MALKOVICH That... was... no... simulation. CRAIG I know. I'm sorry... MALKOVICH I have been to the dark side. I have seen a world that no man should ever see. CRAIG Really? For most people it's a rather pleasant experience. What exactly did you... MALKOVICH This portal is mine and must be sealed up forever. For the love of God. CRAIG With all respect, sir, I discovered that portal. Its my livelihood. MALKOVICH It's my head, Schwartz, and I'll see you in court! Malkovich trudges off along the shoulder of the turnpike. CRAIG (calling after him) And who's to say I won't be seeing what you're seeing... in court? Cars whiz by Malkovich. Someone yells from a passing car. MOTORIST Hey, Malkovich! Think fast! Malkovich looks up. A beer can comes flying out of the car and hits him on the head. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Craig is feeding the animals. His gun is stuck in his pants. He gets to Lotte's cage. She is bound but ungagged. She looks haggard. LOTTE Once this was a relationship based on love. Now you have me in a cage with a monkey and a gun to my head. CRAIG Things change. Anyway, you gave up your claim to that love the first time you stuck your dick in Maxine. LOTTE You fell in love with her first. CRAIG Yeah but I didn't do anything about it. Out of respect for our marriage. LOTTE You didn't do anything about it out of respect for the fact that she wouldn't let you near her with a ten foot pole, which is, by the way, about nine feet, nine inches off the mark anyway. CRAIG (beat) That's true. Oh, God, Lotte, what have I become? My wife in a cage with a monkey. A gun in my hand. Betrayal in my heart. LOTTE Maybe this is what you've always been, Craig, you just never faced it before. CRAIG Perhaps you're right. I can't let you go though. Too much has happened. You're my ace in the hole. LOTTE I need a shower. CRAIG I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry. I'm some kind of monster. I'm the guy you read about in the paper and go, "he's some kind of monster." LOTTE You're not a monster, Craig. Just a confused man. CRAIG I love you so much. She dials her phone, opens her cage, puts phone to her ear. CRAIG (CONT'D) But I gotta go now. I've got to go be Johnny. MAXINE (O.S.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone... LOTTE We have to meet. MAXINE One hour. Craig hangs up, tapes Lotte's mouth. CRAIG I'll tell you all about it when I get home. Craig exits. Lotte fiddles with the ropes on her hands Elijah, slumped in the corner of the cage, blankly watches her moving hands. Suddenly his eyes narrow. Something is going on in his brain. We move slowly into his eyes. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. JUNGLE - DAY It is a memory: blurry and overexposed, the color washed out. We see a weathered wooden sign which reads "Africa." The sound of running feet, huffing frantic breathing. We watch from up in a tree (Elijah's POV) as two men in safari suits chase a couple of chimps across the jungle floor. The chimps are screaming as the safari men tackle them and tie them up. The safari men laugh. SAFARI MAN Well, there monkeys ain't going nowhere. Let's get us a couple a brews 'fore the boss comes back... The safari men leave the chimps on the ground. We descend from the trees to the ground next to the bound chimps. One of the chimps looks at the camera. He grunts and squeals. CHIMP ONE (DUBBED VOICE) Son, untie your mother and me! Quickly! Before the great bald chimp-men return. A small pair of chimp hands enter into the frame and struggle to untie the ropes, but to no avail. Chimp two speaks. CHIMP TWO (DUBBED VOICE) Hurry, Elijah! SAFARI MAN Why you little bastard! Elijah is wrestled to the ground amidst much screaming. DISSOLVE TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - DAY Elijah shakes off the memory and looks determinedly at the ropes on Lotte's hands. He attempts to untie the knot. He works furiously and succeeds. Lotte pulls the tape from her mouth. LOTTE Oh, Elijah, you are magnificent! Elijah beams and screams for ecstatic joy. Lotte unlocks the cage, and dials the phone. LOTTE Maxine! Listen: It hasn't been me in John the last three times. Craig's had me locked up in the apartment. He made me call you at gunpoint. It's been him! Oh, God, it's been him! MAXINE (O.S.) (beat, calmly) Really? Well, you know, he's quite good. I'm surprised. Anyway, I have a session with Malkovich I have to attend. I'll speak with you soon. LOTTE But Maxine, I thought it was me you loved. MAXINE (O.S.) I thought so too, doll. I guess we were mistaken. Maxine hangs up. Lotte, visibly shaken, dials the phone. LOTTE Hello, Dr. Lester? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT The doorbell rings. Malkovich answers it. Maxine stands there, dressed in an evening gown. MALKOVICH Come on in. MAXINE I can explain about the portal, darling. MALKOVICH Don't con me, Maxine. We're over. I just let you up here to tell you that, and to tell you that I'm taking you and Schwartz to court. MAXINE Oh shut up. (beat) Craig, darling are you in there? Malkovich tenses up, then shakes his head in an awkward, puppet-like manner. When Malkovich speaks, it seems to be against him will. MALKOVICH Yes. How did you know it was me? MAXINE Lotte called me. MALKOVICH Oh, so the bitch escaped. MAXINE Apparently you can control this Malkovich fellow now. MALKOVICH I'm getting better all the time. MAXINE I'll say you are. Let's do it on his kitchen table, then make him eat an omelette off of it. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich) No... damn... you... (as Craig) Oh shut up, you overrated sack of shit. Malkovich begins undressing, and does a lewd bump and grind while looking mortified. Maxine giggles. Malkovich (Craig) laughs wildly. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lester's hand is in a bloody bandage. The juicer sits on hi desk. Lotte sits across from him looking nervous and hollow-eyed. LESTER You know I think it pays to leave juice-making to the trained professionals. You look terrible, my dear. LOTTE Craig stole Maxine from me, Dr. Lester. LESTER Hmmm, a lesbian, are you? I must inform you that I find that highly arousing. LOTTE No, you don't understand. I've been inside Malkovich when I'm with Maxine... LESTER (slaps Lotte furiously) What?! That is not allowed. My God, you are supposed to be one of us. You know you must never partake of Malkovich by yourself! LOTTE No, I didn't know that. LESTER Oh, didn't anyone show you the indoctrination video? LOTTE No. LESTER Oh, sorry. Right this way. CUT TO: INT. SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT Lotte site next to Lester in the darkened auditorium. The projector whirs. The screen lights up. TITLE: SO YOU WANT TO BE JOHN MALKOVICH A much younger Lester addresses the camera in this black and white film, which seems to have been made in the 50's. LESTER ON FILM Welcome, my fellow Malkovichians. As you may already know, today a baby was born into this sad world. We see a shot of a newborn. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) His name is John Horatio Hannibal Malkovich. And we are the keepers of the door to his soul. One day, when his brain is big enough, we will all journey into his head and live there for all eternity. Following the teachings of our leader Karl Marx, we will build the ultimate communist community, one body and hundreds, maybe thousands, of brains inside working together to form a super human intellect capable of curing disease, stopping all war, and ruling the world with a benevolent fist. We will take a wife, a woman of uncommon beauty and intellect, who is, as yet, still an infant herself. We see a photo of another infant, this one with a ribbon in her hair. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) Her name is Floris Horatia Hannibella DeMent. LOTTE Does Floris know that she's the chosen? LESTER Well, I tried to explain it to her, but... Lester points to his ear and shrugs. CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine lie naked on the bed, looking quite relaxed. MAXINE You still there, sweets? MALKOVICH Yeah. I've figured out how to hold on as long as I want. Oddly enough, it's all in the wrists. MAXINE Wow. (little girl pout) Do a puppet show for me, Craig honey. MALKOVICH You mean with Malkovich? MAXINE I'd love to see your work. MALKOVICH (pleased) Really? Yeah. Okay. Malkovich leans over and kisses her, then gets up. MALKOVICH (CONT'D) I'll do something I call "Craig's Dance of Despair and Disillusionment." Malkovich performs the same dance that the Craig pupper did at the beginning of the film. It is exactly the same, complete with impossible somersaults and perspiring brow. He finishes by falling to his knees and weeping. MAXINE (moved) That was incredible. You're brilliant! MALKOVICH You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing with dolls. MAXINE You're right, my darling, it's so much more. It's playing with people! Malkovich kisses Maxine. She snuggles close to him. MAXINE Stay in him forever? MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, screaming) No! (as Craig, calmly) But how will we make a living, my love, if our clientele doesn't have access to our product? MAXINE Well, we'll have all the money in Malkovich's bank account, plus he still gets acting work occasionally. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, breaking through) No! Please! (as Craig, to Malkovich) Shut up, will you? We're trying to think here. (to Maxine) It is sort of like being a puppeteer. I like that about it. MAXINE No one would ever have to know its not him. MALKOVICH (an idea) Wait a minute! What if everybody knew? What if we presented Malkovich as the world's most complicated puppet and me as the only puppeteer sophisticated enough to work him? We'd wipe the floor with the Great Mantini! MAXINE Oh, Craiggy, that's brilliant! CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S SHRINE ROOM - NIGHT The worshippers are assembled. Lotte stands before them. LOTTE I have sinned, unwittingly, against the community. And for this I am truly sorry. MAN #2 W-w-what's it like on the inside? LOTTE Oh, it's glorious. It's indescribable. MAN #2 Oooh, I wanna go. I wanna go. I say it's time. LESTER Perhaps you're right, Terry. We're all prepared, and perhaps this Schwartz fellow is forcing our hand a bit. We will enter the portal tonight! Everyone cheers. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich are furiously filling the portal with cement. Suddenly Malkovich stops and runs to the office door screaming a bloodcurdling scream. He stops just as suddenly, begins to strangle himself. MALKOVICH (Craig to Malkovich) Shut up! (to Maxine) Sorry, dear, I lost control for a minute. MAXINE (kissing him) It's okay, my sweet. They go back to filling the portal. There is the sound of many shuffling feet in the hallway. The door flies open and the Malkovichians led by Lester and Lotte burst in. Malkovich and Maxine turn with a start. LESTER Aaaahhhh, the portal! LOTTE (to Malkovich) You bastard! Lotte lunges for Malkovich. Lester grabs her arm, holds her back. LESTER No! Don't harm the vessel! LOTTE It's Craig in there, I can tell. LESTER I understand, but we must protect the vessel at all costs. (to Malkovich) Please, Craig, please step aside and allow us to have what is rightfully ours. CRAIG Squatter's rights, Lester. Craig laughs somewhat maniacally. Maxine slips her arm through Craig's, joins him in his laughter, and glances triumphantly over at Lotte. MAXINE Now excuse us, we have an entertainment legend to create. LESTER (to the cult members) Clear the way for them, my friends. They will be dealt with in due time. The Malkovichians grumble and let Malkovich and Maxine exit. LESTER (CONT'D) Now, let's see what we can do to salvage this portal... for the sake of all that is good. The Malkovichians converge on the sealed portal, and begin clawing desperately at the quick-drying cement. Fingers are scraped raw, and we see smears of blood and skin on the rough gray surface. CUT TO: INT. AGENT'S OFFICE - DAY A slick-looking agent answers a buzzing phone. AGENT Of course, send him right in. Don't ever keep him waiting again. Do you understand? Malkovich and Maxine enter. The agent stands, holds out his hand. AGENT (CONT'D) John! Great to see you! Sorry about the cunt at reception. MALKOVICH This is my fiancee Maxine. The agent shakes Maxine's hand. AGENT Great to see you, Maxine. Sorry about the cunt at reception. Please have a seat. Malkovich and Maxine sit. AGENT (CONT'D) Can I get you anything? Coffee? Water? MAXINE No thanks. AGENT (into phone) Teresa, get me a chicken soup. (to Malkovich and Maxine) Chicken soup? Maxine and Malkovich shake their heads "no." MALKOVICH I'll get right to the point, Larry. I'm a puppet now... AGENT Okay. MALKOVICH I'm being controlled by the world's greatest puppeteer, Craig Schwartz... AGENT (no clue) Oh yeah, he's good. MALKOVICH ... and I want to show off his skills by performing a one-puppet extravaganza in Reno. MAXINE Vegas. MALKOVICH Vegas. Can you arrange that? AGENT Sure, sure. Just let me

yesterday

How many times the word 'yesterday' appears in the text?

CRAIG What's that? LOTTE (beat) Us, of course. Craig looks up from his packing. He and Lotte stare at each other for a long while. CRAIG (tenderly) Oh, Lot... They hug. CRAIG (CONT'D) What about Maxine? LOTTE Fuck Maxine. CRAIG We wish. They look at each other and laugh, them fall back into the embrace. They both get faraway looks in their eyes. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S GARAGE - NIGHT The clock reads 3:00 AM. Craig, in his pajamas, is working the Craig and Maxine puppets. They make love on the bare puppet stage. Craig seems possessed. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS The phone rings. Maxine sleepily picks it up. MAXINE Yes? LOTTE (O.S.) I have to see you. Can you call him and invite us over? MAXINE When? LOTTE (O.S.) Give me one hour to get inside him Exactly. Maxine checks her alarm clock. The time is 3:11 AM. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S CAR - NIGHT Lotte drives. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - A BIT LATER The doorbell rings. Maxine, in a sheer black nightgown, answers it. John Malkovich stands there. MAXINE Thanks so much for coming over. MALKOVICH Oh, I'm really glad you called. Maxine gestures for him to enter. As Malkovich passes by her, she checks the wall clock. The time is 3:50. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lotte sits on the floor in the dark. She leans, out of breath, against the wall next to the portal and checks her watch. The time is 4:10. She pulls open the door. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich sit a bit awkwardly next to each other on the couch. MAXINE So, do you enjoy being an actor? MALKOVICH Oh sure. It's very rewarding... The digital clock on the VCR clicks over to 4:11 AM. Maxine's look softens, and she kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. He seems surprised, but quickly warms to it. We shift top Malkovich's POV as Maxine begins to unbutton Malkovich's shirt. LOTTE (V.O.) Oh my darling. Oh my sweetheart. MAXINE I love you, Lotte. LOTTE (V.O.) Maxine... MALKOVICH (stopping) I'm sorry, did you just call me "Lotte"? MAXINE Do you mind? MALKOVICH (thinking) No, I guess not. I'm an actor. They get back to it. MAXINE Oh, my sweet, beautiful Lotte. MALKOVICH (thinks he's playing along) Yes, Maxine, yes. LOTTE (V.O.) This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT A sweaty and spent Craig sneaks back into the bedroom. He sees that the bed is empty. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT With a gasp and a wail of release, Lotte pops into the ditch. She is soaking wet and breathes heavily. She just lies there. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S KITCHEN - MORNING Craig is hunched over a cup of coffee. The front door can be heard to open. After a moment Lotte appears in the kitchen doorway. She is caked with dirt. Craig looks up at her. CRAIG You were him last night, weren't you? LOTTE (quietly) Yes. CRAIG And he was with her. LOTTE We love her, Craig. I'm sorry. CRAIG We? LOTTE Me and John. CRAIG Don't forget me. LOTTE Well, you have the Maxine action figure to play with. Craig looks down at his coffee. LOTTE (CONT'D) I'm sorry. That was nasty. CRAIG Life is confusing, isn't it? LOTTE Sometimes we're forced to make hard decisions. (beat) I'd like for us to stay together, Craig. You know, platonically, if that's possible. I truly value our friendship. CRAIG I feel that somehow my parents never prepared me to make this particular decision. Not that I blame them. How could they know? Today's world is so complicated. (beat) No. I have to go away now. I'm sorry, Lotte. I'm so sorry. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - MORNING Craig enters with red-rimmed eyes. Maxine sits at her desk, actually looking kind of radiant. MAXINE You're late. CRAIG Are you torturing me on purpose? MAXINE (matter of fact) I've fallen in love. CRAIG I don't think so. I've fallen in love. This is what people who've fallen in love look like. MAXINE You picked the unrequited variety. Very bad for the skin. CRAIG You're evil, Maxine. MAXINE Do you have any idea what its like to have two people look at you with total lust and devotion through the same pair of eyes? No I don't suppose you would. It's quite a thrill, Craig. Craig turns and walks out the door. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY 7 1/2 FLOOR - CONTINUOUS Craig hurries past a long line of fat people, all looking eager, all clutching cash. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - MORNING Lester sits at his desk. The intercom buzzes. LESTER (depressing switch) Yes, my dear? FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Someone names A Lot of Warts on line two. LESTER Thank you, Floris. FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Think, Jew florist? LESTER (pressing line 2) Good morning, Lotte! LOTTE (O.S.) Dr. Lester, everything's falling apart. CUT TO: INT. GUN SHOP - MORNING Craig is at the counter buying a pistol. CUT TO: INT. JUICY-JUICE JUICE BAR - MORNING Lester and Lotte sit at a table. They both have really large glasses of carrot juice in front of them. LOTTE I blew it, Dr. Lester. LESTER You followed your heart, my child, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. LOTTE But now we've lost access to Craig. LESTER (laughs) My child, I don't think its a great mystery what Craig's up to. CUT TO: CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY Craig stands still and tense, with gun in hand. We hear the front door unlock. Lotte enters. She does not see Craig. He grabs her from behind as she passes. Lotte screams. Craig holds the gun to her head. LOTTE I'm your Goddamn wife. Once you vowed to cherish me forever. Now you hold a gun to my head? CRAIG Yeah, well welcome to the nineties. LOTTE Suck my dick! CRAIG (slapping her) Shut up! Lotte is stunned. She feels the muzzle against her forehead. She shuts up. Keeping the gun trained on Lotte, Craig dials the phone. He hands the receiver to her. He holds his ear to the receiver also. CRAIG (CONT'D) Tell her you need to see her. LOTTE (to Craig) You bastard. Craig cocks the pistol. MAXINE (V.O.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone else can be. LOTTE (looking at Craig) I have to see you. MAXINE (V.O.) Sweetie! Oh, but we can't. It's business hours. I need to keep the membranous tunnel open for paying customers. CRAIG (sotto) Tell her, what the hell, close early today, live dangerously. LOTTE What the hell, darling. Close early today, live dangerously. MAXINE (V.O.) Oooh, doll. I love this new devil-may-care side of you. Alrighty, I'll track down Lover-boy, and I'll see both of you in one hour. Exactamundo. Maxine hangs up. Lotte hands the phone to Craig, who hangs it up. Craig opens up the big cage where Elijah is housed, and motions with the gun for Lotte to enter. LOTTE (screaming) Help! He's locking me in a cage! Craig slaps Lotte hard. She looks at him, almost sadly. NEIGHBOR Shut up! PARROT Shut up! CRAIG Lesson number one: Be careful what you teach your parrot. Craig tapes Lotte's mouth, ties her hands and feet. Elijah watches him tie her. He becomes somewhat agitated, and holds his stomach. CUT TO: INT. BROADHURST THEATER - DAY Malkovich is rehearsing some business on stage. Maxine watches from the house. She anxiously checks her watch, then points to it so Malkovich can see. MALKOVICH Tommy, can I take fifteen? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on the make-up table, against the mirror. MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Oh, sweetie... We now watch the scene from Malkovich's POV. MALKOVICH Maxine... CRAIG (V.O.) I can't believe it. This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - DAY Craig is toweling himself off, hurriedly combing his hair. Maxine enters. CRAIG You're glowing again. MAXINE A girl has a right to glow if she wants. It's in the fucking constitution. Maxine sits. Craig smiles to himself. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING Craig is feeding the various caged animals. He puts two plates of food in Elijah's cage. Lotte is ungagged and unbound now. She eats as Craig slumps down next to the cage, gun in hand. CRAIG It was lovely being you being Malkovich, my dear. I'd never seen the passionate side of sweet Maxine before, or her actual tits for that matter. If only, I've been thinking to myself, if only I could actually feel what Malkovich feels, rather than just see what he sees... And then, dare I say it, if only I could control his arms, his legs, his pelvis, and make them do my bidding. LOTTE It'll never happen, fuckface. CRAIG Ah, but you're forgetting one thing, Lambchop. LOTTE What's that? CRAIG I'm a puppeteer. Craig picks up the phone and dials. He smiles as he holds the receiver up to Lotte's face. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on Maxine's couch. MAXINE Lotte, this is so good... CRAIG (V.O.) (tense, commanding) Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Malkovich clumsily, awkwardly moves his hand across Maxine's breast. CRAIG (V.O.) (CONT'D) Holy shit, yes! MALKOVICH Holy shit, yes! CRAIG (V.O.) Holy shit! He said what I said! MALKOVICH Holy shit! He said what I said! MAXINE Lotte? Is that you? CRAIG (V.O.) Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! MALKOVICH Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! (scared) What the fuck is going on? I'm not talking. This is not me! MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Maxine kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. There is a sucking sound. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT There is a pop and Craig lands in the ditch. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT A panicked Malkovich is pulling on his clothes. MALKOVICH Something was making me talk. Some Goddamn thing was making me move. I gotta get out of here. MAXINE Oh, Dollface, it was just your passion for me taking hold. MALKOVICH No, Dollface, I know what my passion taking hold feels like. I gotta go. He leaves. Maxine falls back on the couch and sighs contentedly. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT A wet, mess Craig sits next to Lotte's cage. Lotte is bound and gagged. CRAIG I did it, sweetie. I moved his arm across your girlfriend's glorious tit. I made him talk. And, oh, there was the beginning of sensation in the fingertips. Ummmm-mmmm! It's just a matter of practice before Malkovich becomes nothing more than another puppet hanging next to my worktable. Coffee? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich paces nervously, a glass of whisky in his hand. Kevin Bacon sits on the couch and fiddles with a Rubic's Cube. MALKOVICH It's like nothing I've ever felt before. I think I'm going crazy. KEVIN BACON I'm sure you're not going crazy. MALKOVICH Kevin, I'm telling you... it was like nothing I've... KEVIN BACON Yeah yeah yeah. Yadda yadda yadda. Were you stoned? MALKOVICH Yes, but you see, someone else was talking through my mouth. KEVIN BACON You were stoned. Case closed. End of story. How hot is this babe? MALKOVICH I think it might've been this Lotte woman talking through me. Maxine likes to call me Lotte. KEVIN BACON Ouch. Now that's hot. She's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover. Let me know when you're done with her. This is my type of chick. MALKOVICH I'm done with her now. Tonight really creeped me out. KEVIN BACON You're crazy to let go of a chick who calls you Lotte. I tell you that as a friend. MALKOVICH I don't know anything about her. What if she's some sort of witch or something? KEVIN BACON All the better. Hey, Hot Lesbian Witches, next Geraldo, buddy boy. Ha ha ha. MALKOVICH I gotta know the truth, Kevin. KEVIN BACON The truth is for suckers, Johnny-Boy. CUT TO: EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING Malkovich, in a baseball cap and sunglasses, leans against the wall. After a moment, Maxine emerges from the building and walks down the block. Malkovich follows at a safe distance. CUT TO: INT. 7 1/2 FLOOR - MORNING The elevator doors are pried open. It's packed. Maxine and a few other people climb out. The last to emerge is Malkovich. He is astounded by the dimensions of the floor. He turns the corner and sees the long line of crouching fat people. Maxine goes into the office and closes the door. Maxine sees "J.M. Inc." stenciled on the office door. He turns to the first fat man and line. MALKOVICH Excuse me, what type of service does this company provide? FAT MAN You get to be John Malkovich for fifteen minutes. Two hundred clams. MALKOVICH (quietly flipped) I see. FAT MAN No cutting, by the way. Malkovich pounds on the door. FAT MAN (CONT'D) No cutting! Several fat people jump on Malkovich, and start beating him. Craig steps out of the office. CRAIG Hey! Break it up! Break it up! Everybody gets a chance to be... The fat people climb off Malkovich. His glasses and cap have been knocked off and everyone recognizes him. FAT MAN It's him! Oh, we're so sorry Mr. Malkovich! I hope me and my associates from Overeaters Anonymous didn't hurt you too terribly. MALKOVICH (to Craig) Inside. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Craig and Malkovich enter. Maxine looks up, startled, but controlling it. MAXINE Darling! MALKOVICH What the fuck is going on? CRAIG Mr. Malkovich, my name is Craig Schwartz. I can explain. We operate a little business her that... simulates, for our clientele, the experience of... being you, actually. MALKOVICH Simulates? CRAIG Sure, after a fashion. MALKOVICH Let me try. CRAIG You? Why I'm sure it would pale in comparison to the actual experience. MALKOVICH Let me try! MAXINE Let him try. CRAIG Of course, right this way, Mr. Malkovich. Compliments of the house. Craig ushers Malkovich to the portal door, opens it. MALKOVICH (repulsed by the slime) Jesus. Malkovich climbs in. The door closes. CRAIG What happens when a man climbs through his own portal? MAXINE (shrugs) How the hell would I know? I wasn't a philosophy major. CUT TO: INT. MEMBRANOUS TUNNEL - DAY Malkovich crawls through. It's murky. He's tense. Suddenly there is a slurping sound. CUT TO: PSYCHEDELIC MONTAGE We see Malkovich hurtling through different environments. It's scary: giant toads, swirling eddies of garish, colored lights, naked old people pointing and laughing, black velvet clown paintings. CUT TO: INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT Malkovich pops into a chair in a swakn night club. He's wearing a tuxedo. The woman across the table from him is also Malkovich, but in a gown. He looks around the restaurant. Everyone is Malkovich in different clothes. Malkovich is panicked. The girl Malkovich across the table looks at him seductively, winks and talks. GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich looks confused. The Malkovich waiter approaches, pen and pad in hand, ready to take their orders. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich? GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich. (Turning to Malkovich) Malkovich? Malkovich looks down at the menu. Every item is "Malkovich." He screams: MALKOVICH Malkovich! The waiter jots it down on his pad. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich. Malkovich pushes himself away from the table and runs for the exit. He passes the stage where a girl singer Malkovich is singin sensuously into the microphone. She is backed by a '40's style big band of Malkoviches. SINGING MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich flies through the back door. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - DAY Malkovich lands with a thud in the ditch. Craig is waiting there with his van. On its side is painted "See The World in Malk-O-Vision" followed by a phone number. Malkovich is huddled and shivering and soaking wet. CRAIG So how was it? MALKOVICH That... was... no... simulation. CRAIG I know. I'm sorry... MALKOVICH I have been to the dark side. I have seen a world that no man should ever see. CRAIG Really? For most people it's a rather pleasant experience. What exactly did you... MALKOVICH This portal is mine and must be sealed up forever. For the love of God. CRAIG With all respect, sir, I discovered that portal. Its my livelihood. MALKOVICH It's my head, Schwartz, and I'll see you in court! Malkovich trudges off along the shoulder of the turnpike. CRAIG (calling after him) And who's to say I won't be seeing what you're seeing... in court? Cars whiz by Malkovich. Someone yells from a passing car. MOTORIST Hey, Malkovich! Think fast! Malkovich looks up. A beer can comes flying out of the car and hits him on the head. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Craig is feeding the animals. His gun is stuck in his pants. He gets to Lotte's cage. She is bound but ungagged. She looks haggard. LOTTE Once this was a relationship based on love. Now you have me in a cage with a monkey and a gun to my head. CRAIG Things change. Anyway, you gave up your claim to that love the first time you stuck your dick in Maxine. LOTTE You fell in love with her first. CRAIG Yeah but I didn't do anything about it. Out of respect for our marriage. LOTTE You didn't do anything about it out of respect for the fact that she wouldn't let you near her with a ten foot pole, which is, by the way, about nine feet, nine inches off the mark anyway. CRAIG (beat) That's true. Oh, God, Lotte, what have I become? My wife in a cage with a monkey. A gun in my hand. Betrayal in my heart. LOTTE Maybe this is what you've always been, Craig, you just never faced it before. CRAIG Perhaps you're right. I can't let you go though. Too much has happened. You're my ace in the hole. LOTTE I need a shower. CRAIG I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry. I'm some kind of monster. I'm the guy you read about in the paper and go, "he's some kind of monster." LOTTE You're not a monster, Craig. Just a confused man. CRAIG I love you so much. She dials her phone, opens her cage, puts phone to her ear. CRAIG (CONT'D) But I gotta go now. I've got to go be Johnny. MAXINE (O.S.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone... LOTTE We have to meet. MAXINE One hour. Craig hangs up, tapes Lotte's mouth. CRAIG I'll tell you all about it when I get home. Craig exits. Lotte fiddles with the ropes on her hands Elijah, slumped in the corner of the cage, blankly watches her moving hands. Suddenly his eyes narrow. Something is going on in his brain. We move slowly into his eyes. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. JUNGLE - DAY It is a memory: blurry and overexposed, the color washed out. We see a weathered wooden sign which reads "Africa." The sound of running feet, huffing frantic breathing. We watch from up in a tree (Elijah's POV) as two men in safari suits chase a couple of chimps across the jungle floor. The chimps are screaming as the safari men tackle them and tie them up. The safari men laugh. SAFARI MAN Well, there monkeys ain't going nowhere. Let's get us a couple a brews 'fore the boss comes back... The safari men leave the chimps on the ground. We descend from the trees to the ground next to the bound chimps. One of the chimps looks at the camera. He grunts and squeals. CHIMP ONE (DUBBED VOICE) Son, untie your mother and me! Quickly! Before the great bald chimp-men return. A small pair of chimp hands enter into the frame and struggle to untie the ropes, but to no avail. Chimp two speaks. CHIMP TWO (DUBBED VOICE) Hurry, Elijah! SAFARI MAN Why you little bastard! Elijah is wrestled to the ground amidst much screaming. DISSOLVE TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - DAY Elijah shakes off the memory and looks determinedly at the ropes on Lotte's hands. He attempts to untie the knot. He works furiously and succeeds. Lotte pulls the tape from her mouth. LOTTE Oh, Elijah, you are magnificent! Elijah beams and screams for ecstatic joy. Lotte unlocks the cage, and dials the phone. LOTTE Maxine! Listen: It hasn't been me in John the last three times. Craig's had me locked up in the apartment. He made me call you at gunpoint. It's been him! Oh, God, it's been him! MAXINE (O.S.) (beat, calmly) Really? Well, you know, he's quite good. I'm surprised. Anyway, I have a session with Malkovich I have to attend. I'll speak with you soon. LOTTE But Maxine, I thought it was me you loved. MAXINE (O.S.) I thought so too, doll. I guess we were mistaken. Maxine hangs up. Lotte, visibly shaken, dials the phone. LOTTE Hello, Dr. Lester? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT The doorbell rings. Malkovich answers it. Maxine stands there, dressed in an evening gown. MALKOVICH Come on in. MAXINE I can explain about the portal, darling. MALKOVICH Don't con me, Maxine. We're over. I just let you up here to tell you that, and to tell you that I'm taking you and Schwartz to court. MAXINE Oh shut up. (beat) Craig, darling are you in there? Malkovich tenses up, then shakes his head in an awkward, puppet-like manner. When Malkovich speaks, it seems to be against him will. MALKOVICH Yes. How did you know it was me? MAXINE Lotte called me. MALKOVICH Oh, so the bitch escaped. MAXINE Apparently you can control this Malkovich fellow now. MALKOVICH I'm getting better all the time. MAXINE I'll say you are. Let's do it on his kitchen table, then make him eat an omelette off of it. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich) No... damn... you... (as Craig) Oh shut up, you overrated sack of shit. Malkovich begins undressing, and does a lewd bump and grind while looking mortified. Maxine giggles. Malkovich (Craig) laughs wildly. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lester's hand is in a bloody bandage. The juicer sits on hi desk. Lotte sits across from him looking nervous and hollow-eyed. LESTER You know I think it pays to leave juice-making to the trained professionals. You look terrible, my dear. LOTTE Craig stole Maxine from me, Dr. Lester. LESTER Hmmm, a lesbian, are you? I must inform you that I find that highly arousing. LOTTE No, you don't understand. I've been inside Malkovich when I'm with Maxine... LESTER (slaps Lotte furiously) What?! That is not allowed. My God, you are supposed to be one of us. You know you must never partake of Malkovich by yourself! LOTTE No, I didn't know that. LESTER Oh, didn't anyone show you the indoctrination video? LOTTE No. LESTER Oh, sorry. Right this way. CUT TO: INT. SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT Lotte site next to Lester in the darkened auditorium. The projector whirs. The screen lights up. TITLE: SO YOU WANT TO BE JOHN MALKOVICH A much younger Lester addresses the camera in this black and white film, which seems to have been made in the 50's. LESTER ON FILM Welcome, my fellow Malkovichians. As you may already know, today a baby was born into this sad world. We see a shot of a newborn. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) His name is John Horatio Hannibal Malkovich. And we are the keepers of the door to his soul. One day, when his brain is big enough, we will all journey into his head and live there for all eternity. Following the teachings of our leader Karl Marx, we will build the ultimate communist community, one body and hundreds, maybe thousands, of brains inside working together to form a super human intellect capable of curing disease, stopping all war, and ruling the world with a benevolent fist. We will take a wife, a woman of uncommon beauty and intellect, who is, as yet, still an infant herself. We see a photo of another infant, this one with a ribbon in her hair. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) Her name is Floris Horatia Hannibella DeMent. LOTTE Does Floris know that she's the chosen? LESTER Well, I tried to explain it to her, but... Lester points to his ear and shrugs. CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine lie naked on the bed, looking quite relaxed. MAXINE You still there, sweets? MALKOVICH Yeah. I've figured out how to hold on as long as I want. Oddly enough, it's all in the wrists. MAXINE Wow. (little girl pout) Do a puppet show for me, Craig honey. MALKOVICH You mean with Malkovich? MAXINE I'd love to see your work. MALKOVICH (pleased) Really? Yeah. Okay. Malkovich leans over and kisses her, then gets up. MALKOVICH (CONT'D) I'll do something I call "Craig's Dance of Despair and Disillusionment." Malkovich performs the same dance that the Craig pupper did at the beginning of the film. It is exactly the same, complete with impossible somersaults and perspiring brow. He finishes by falling to his knees and weeping. MAXINE (moved) That was incredible. You're brilliant! MALKOVICH You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing with dolls. MAXINE You're right, my darling, it's so much more. It's playing with people! Malkovich kisses Maxine. She snuggles close to him. MAXINE Stay in him forever? MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, screaming) No! (as Craig, calmly) But how will we make a living, my love, if our clientele doesn't have access to our product? MAXINE Well, we'll have all the money in Malkovich's bank account, plus he still gets acting work occasionally. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, breaking through) No! Please! (as Craig, to Malkovich) Shut up, will you? We're trying to think here. (to Maxine) It is sort of like being a puppeteer. I like that about it. MAXINE No one would ever have to know its not him. MALKOVICH (an idea) Wait a minute! What if everybody knew? What if we presented Malkovich as the world's most complicated puppet and me as the only puppeteer sophisticated enough to work him? We'd wipe the floor with the Great Mantini! MAXINE Oh, Craiggy, that's brilliant! CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S SHRINE ROOM - NIGHT The worshippers are assembled. Lotte stands before them. LOTTE I have sinned, unwittingly, against the community. And for this I am truly sorry. MAN #2 W-w-what's it like on the inside? LOTTE Oh, it's glorious. It's indescribable. MAN #2 Oooh, I wanna go. I wanna go. I say it's time. LESTER Perhaps you're right, Terry. We're all prepared, and perhaps this Schwartz fellow is forcing our hand a bit. We will enter the portal tonight! Everyone cheers. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich are furiously filling the portal with cement. Suddenly Malkovich stops and runs to the office door screaming a bloodcurdling scream. He stops just as suddenly, begins to strangle himself. MALKOVICH (Craig to Malkovich) Shut up! (to Maxine) Sorry, dear, I lost control for a minute. MAXINE (kissing him) It's okay, my sweet. They go back to filling the portal. There is the sound of many shuffling feet in the hallway. The door flies open and the Malkovichians led by Lester and Lotte burst in. Malkovich and Maxine turn with a start. LESTER Aaaahhhh, the portal! LOTTE (to Malkovich) You bastard! Lotte lunges for Malkovich. Lester grabs her arm, holds her back. LESTER No! Don't harm the vessel! LOTTE It's Craig in there, I can tell. LESTER I understand, but we must protect the vessel at all costs. (to Malkovich) Please, Craig, please step aside and allow us to have what is rightfully ours. CRAIG Squatter's rights, Lester. Craig laughs somewhat maniacally. Maxine slips her arm through Craig's, joins him in his laughter, and glances triumphantly over at Lotte. MAXINE Now excuse us, we have an entertainment legend to create. LESTER (to the cult members) Clear the way for them, my friends. They will be dealt with in due time. The Malkovichians grumble and let Malkovich and Maxine exit. LESTER (CONT'D) Now, let's see what we can do to salvage this portal... for the sake of all that is good. The Malkovichians converge on the sealed portal, and begin clawing desperately at the quick-drying cement. Fingers are scraped raw, and we see smears of blood and skin on the rough gray surface. CUT TO: INT. AGENT'S OFFICE - DAY A slick-looking agent answers a buzzing phone. AGENT Of course, send him right in. Don't ever keep him waiting again. Do you understand? Malkovich and Maxine enter. The agent stands, holds out his hand. AGENT (CONT'D) John! Great to see you! Sorry about the cunt at reception. MALKOVICH This is my fiancee Maxine. The agent shakes Maxine's hand. AGENT Great to see you, Maxine. Sorry about the cunt at reception. Please have a seat. Malkovich and Maxine sit. AGENT (CONT'D) Can I get you anything? Coffee? Water? MAXINE No thanks. AGENT (into phone) Teresa, get me a chicken soup. (to Malkovich and Maxine) Chicken soup? Maxine and Malkovich shake their heads "no." MALKOVICH I'll get right to the point, Larry. I'm a puppet now... AGENT Okay. MALKOVICH I'm being controlled by the world's greatest puppeteer, Craig Schwartz... AGENT (no clue) Oh yeah, he's good. MALKOVICH ... and I want to show off his skills by performing a one-puppet extravaganza in Reno. MAXINE Vegas. MALKOVICH Vegas. Can you arrange that? AGENT Sure, sure. Just let me

faxton

How many times the word 'faxton' appears in the text?

CRAIG What's that? LOTTE (beat) Us, of course. Craig looks up from his packing. He and Lotte stare at each other for a long while. CRAIG (tenderly) Oh, Lot... They hug. CRAIG (CONT'D) What about Maxine? LOTTE Fuck Maxine. CRAIG We wish. They look at each other and laugh, them fall back into the embrace. They both get faraway looks in their eyes. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S GARAGE - NIGHT The clock reads 3:00 AM. Craig, in his pajamas, is working the Craig and Maxine puppets. They make love on the bare puppet stage. Craig seems possessed. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS The phone rings. Maxine sleepily picks it up. MAXINE Yes? LOTTE (O.S.) I have to see you. Can you call him and invite us over? MAXINE When? LOTTE (O.S.) Give me one hour to get inside him Exactly. Maxine checks her alarm clock. The time is 3:11 AM. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S CAR - NIGHT Lotte drives. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - A BIT LATER The doorbell rings. Maxine, in a sheer black nightgown, answers it. John Malkovich stands there. MAXINE Thanks so much for coming over. MALKOVICH Oh, I'm really glad you called. Maxine gestures for him to enter. As Malkovich passes by her, she checks the wall clock. The time is 3:50. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lotte sits on the floor in the dark. She leans, out of breath, against the wall next to the portal and checks her watch. The time is 4:10. She pulls open the door. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich sit a bit awkwardly next to each other on the couch. MAXINE So, do you enjoy being an actor? MALKOVICH Oh sure. It's very rewarding... The digital clock on the VCR clicks over to 4:11 AM. Maxine's look softens, and she kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. He seems surprised, but quickly warms to it. We shift top Malkovich's POV as Maxine begins to unbutton Malkovich's shirt. LOTTE (V.O.) Oh my darling. Oh my sweetheart. MAXINE I love you, Lotte. LOTTE (V.O.) Maxine... MALKOVICH (stopping) I'm sorry, did you just call me "Lotte"? MAXINE Do you mind? MALKOVICH (thinking) No, I guess not. I'm an actor. They get back to it. MAXINE Oh, my sweet, beautiful Lotte. MALKOVICH (thinks he's playing along) Yes, Maxine, yes. LOTTE (V.O.) This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT A sweaty and spent Craig sneaks back into the bedroom. He sees that the bed is empty. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT With a gasp and a wail of release, Lotte pops into the ditch. She is soaking wet and breathes heavily. She just lies there. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S KITCHEN - MORNING Craig is hunched over a cup of coffee. The front door can be heard to open. After a moment Lotte appears in the kitchen doorway. She is caked with dirt. Craig looks up at her. CRAIG You were him last night, weren't you? LOTTE (quietly) Yes. CRAIG And he was with her. LOTTE We love her, Craig. I'm sorry. CRAIG We? LOTTE Me and John. CRAIG Don't forget me. LOTTE Well, you have the Maxine action figure to play with. Craig looks down at his coffee. LOTTE (CONT'D) I'm sorry. That was nasty. CRAIG Life is confusing, isn't it? LOTTE Sometimes we're forced to make hard decisions. (beat) I'd like for us to stay together, Craig. You know, platonically, if that's possible. I truly value our friendship. CRAIG I feel that somehow my parents never prepared me to make this particular decision. Not that I blame them. How could they know? Today's world is so complicated. (beat) No. I have to go away now. I'm sorry, Lotte. I'm so sorry. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - MORNING Craig enters with red-rimmed eyes. Maxine sits at her desk, actually looking kind of radiant. MAXINE You're late. CRAIG Are you torturing me on purpose? MAXINE (matter of fact) I've fallen in love. CRAIG I don't think so. I've fallen in love. This is what people who've fallen in love look like. MAXINE You picked the unrequited variety. Very bad for the skin. CRAIG You're evil, Maxine. MAXINE Do you have any idea what its like to have two people look at you with total lust and devotion through the same pair of eyes? No I don't suppose you would. It's quite a thrill, Craig. Craig turns and walks out the door. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY 7 1/2 FLOOR - CONTINUOUS Craig hurries past a long line of fat people, all looking eager, all clutching cash. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - MORNING Lester sits at his desk. The intercom buzzes. LESTER (depressing switch) Yes, my dear? FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Someone names A Lot of Warts on line two. LESTER Thank you, Floris. FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Think, Jew florist? LESTER (pressing line 2) Good morning, Lotte! LOTTE (O.S.) Dr. Lester, everything's falling apart. CUT TO: INT. GUN SHOP - MORNING Craig is at the counter buying a pistol. CUT TO: INT. JUICY-JUICE JUICE BAR - MORNING Lester and Lotte sit at a table. They both have really large glasses of carrot juice in front of them. LOTTE I blew it, Dr. Lester. LESTER You followed your heart, my child, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. LOTTE But now we've lost access to Craig. LESTER (laughs) My child, I don't think its a great mystery what Craig's up to. CUT TO: CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY Craig stands still and tense, with gun in hand. We hear the front door unlock. Lotte enters. She does not see Craig. He grabs her from behind as she passes. Lotte screams. Craig holds the gun to her head. LOTTE I'm your Goddamn wife. Once you vowed to cherish me forever. Now you hold a gun to my head? CRAIG Yeah, well welcome to the nineties. LOTTE Suck my dick! CRAIG (slapping her) Shut up! Lotte is stunned. She feels the muzzle against her forehead. She shuts up. Keeping the gun trained on Lotte, Craig dials the phone. He hands the receiver to her. He holds his ear to the receiver also. CRAIG (CONT'D) Tell her you need to see her. LOTTE (to Craig) You bastard. Craig cocks the pistol. MAXINE (V.O.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone else can be. LOTTE (looking at Craig) I have to see you. MAXINE (V.O.) Sweetie! Oh, but we can't. It's business hours. I need to keep the membranous tunnel open for paying customers. CRAIG (sotto) Tell her, what the hell, close early today, live dangerously. LOTTE What the hell, darling. Close early today, live dangerously. MAXINE (V.O.) Oooh, doll. I love this new devil-may-care side of you. Alrighty, I'll track down Lover-boy, and I'll see both of you in one hour. Exactamundo. Maxine hangs up. Lotte hands the phone to Craig, who hangs it up. Craig opens up the big cage where Elijah is housed, and motions with the gun for Lotte to enter. LOTTE (screaming) Help! He's locking me in a cage! Craig slaps Lotte hard. She looks at him, almost sadly. NEIGHBOR Shut up! PARROT Shut up! CRAIG Lesson number one: Be careful what you teach your parrot. Craig tapes Lotte's mouth, ties her hands and feet. Elijah watches him tie her. He becomes somewhat agitated, and holds his stomach. CUT TO: INT. BROADHURST THEATER - DAY Malkovich is rehearsing some business on stage. Maxine watches from the house. She anxiously checks her watch, then points to it so Malkovich can see. MALKOVICH Tommy, can I take fifteen? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on the make-up table, against the mirror. MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Oh, sweetie... We now watch the scene from Malkovich's POV. MALKOVICH Maxine... CRAIG (V.O.) I can't believe it. This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - DAY Craig is toweling himself off, hurriedly combing his hair. Maxine enters. CRAIG You're glowing again. MAXINE A girl has a right to glow if she wants. It's in the fucking constitution. Maxine sits. Craig smiles to himself. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING Craig is feeding the various caged animals. He puts two plates of food in Elijah's cage. Lotte is ungagged and unbound now. She eats as Craig slumps down next to the cage, gun in hand. CRAIG It was lovely being you being Malkovich, my dear. I'd never seen the passionate side of sweet Maxine before, or her actual tits for that matter. If only, I've been thinking to myself, if only I could actually feel what Malkovich feels, rather than just see what he sees... And then, dare I say it, if only I could control his arms, his legs, his pelvis, and make them do my bidding. LOTTE It'll never happen, fuckface. CRAIG Ah, but you're forgetting one thing, Lambchop. LOTTE What's that? CRAIG I'm a puppeteer. Craig picks up the phone and dials. He smiles as he holds the receiver up to Lotte's face. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on Maxine's couch. MAXINE Lotte, this is so good... CRAIG (V.O.) (tense, commanding) Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Malkovich clumsily, awkwardly moves his hand across Maxine's breast. CRAIG (V.O.) (CONT'D) Holy shit, yes! MALKOVICH Holy shit, yes! CRAIG (V.O.) Holy shit! He said what I said! MALKOVICH Holy shit! He said what I said! MAXINE Lotte? Is that you? CRAIG (V.O.) Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! MALKOVICH Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! (scared) What the fuck is going on? I'm not talking. This is not me! MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Maxine kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. There is a sucking sound. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT There is a pop and Craig lands in the ditch. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT A panicked Malkovich is pulling on his clothes. MALKOVICH Something was making me talk. Some Goddamn thing was making me move. I gotta get out of here. MAXINE Oh, Dollface, it was just your passion for me taking hold. MALKOVICH No, Dollface, I know what my passion taking hold feels like. I gotta go. He leaves. Maxine falls back on the couch and sighs contentedly. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT A wet, mess Craig sits next to Lotte's cage. Lotte is bound and gagged. CRAIG I did it, sweetie. I moved his arm across your girlfriend's glorious tit. I made him talk. And, oh, there was the beginning of sensation in the fingertips. Ummmm-mmmm! It's just a matter of practice before Malkovich becomes nothing more than another puppet hanging next to my worktable. Coffee? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich paces nervously, a glass of whisky in his hand. Kevin Bacon sits on the couch and fiddles with a Rubic's Cube. MALKOVICH It's like nothing I've ever felt before. I think I'm going crazy. KEVIN BACON I'm sure you're not going crazy. MALKOVICH Kevin, I'm telling you... it was like nothing I've... KEVIN BACON Yeah yeah yeah. Yadda yadda yadda. Were you stoned? MALKOVICH Yes, but you see, someone else was talking through my mouth. KEVIN BACON You were stoned. Case closed. End of story. How hot is this babe? MALKOVICH I think it might've been this Lotte woman talking through me. Maxine likes to call me Lotte. KEVIN BACON Ouch. Now that's hot. She's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover. Let me know when you're done with her. This is my type of chick. MALKOVICH I'm done with her now. Tonight really creeped me out. KEVIN BACON You're crazy to let go of a chick who calls you Lotte. I tell you that as a friend. MALKOVICH I don't know anything about her. What if she's some sort of witch or something? KEVIN BACON All the better. Hey, Hot Lesbian Witches, next Geraldo, buddy boy. Ha ha ha. MALKOVICH I gotta know the truth, Kevin. KEVIN BACON The truth is for suckers, Johnny-Boy. CUT TO: EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING Malkovich, in a baseball cap and sunglasses, leans against the wall. After a moment, Maxine emerges from the building and walks down the block. Malkovich follows at a safe distance. CUT TO: INT. 7 1/2 FLOOR - MORNING The elevator doors are pried open. It's packed. Maxine and a few other people climb out. The last to emerge is Malkovich. He is astounded by the dimensions of the floor. He turns the corner and sees the long line of crouching fat people. Maxine goes into the office and closes the door. Maxine sees "J.M. Inc." stenciled on the office door. He turns to the first fat man and line. MALKOVICH Excuse me, what type of service does this company provide? FAT MAN You get to be John Malkovich for fifteen minutes. Two hundred clams. MALKOVICH (quietly flipped) I see. FAT MAN No cutting, by the way. Malkovich pounds on the door. FAT MAN (CONT'D) No cutting! Several fat people jump on Malkovich, and start beating him. Craig steps out of the office. CRAIG Hey! Break it up! Break it up! Everybody gets a chance to be... The fat people climb off Malkovich. His glasses and cap have been knocked off and everyone recognizes him. FAT MAN It's him! Oh, we're so sorry Mr. Malkovich! I hope me and my associates from Overeaters Anonymous didn't hurt you too terribly. MALKOVICH (to Craig) Inside. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Craig and Malkovich enter. Maxine looks up, startled, but controlling it. MAXINE Darling! MALKOVICH What the fuck is going on? CRAIG Mr. Malkovich, my name is Craig Schwartz. I can explain. We operate a little business her that... simulates, for our clientele, the experience of... being you, actually. MALKOVICH Simulates? CRAIG Sure, after a fashion. MALKOVICH Let me try. CRAIG You? Why I'm sure it would pale in comparison to the actual experience. MALKOVICH Let me try! MAXINE Let him try. CRAIG Of course, right this way, Mr. Malkovich. Compliments of the house. Craig ushers Malkovich to the portal door, opens it. MALKOVICH (repulsed by the slime) Jesus. Malkovich climbs in. The door closes. CRAIG What happens when a man climbs through his own portal? MAXINE (shrugs) How the hell would I know? I wasn't a philosophy major. CUT TO: INT. MEMBRANOUS TUNNEL - DAY Malkovich crawls through. It's murky. He's tense. Suddenly there is a slurping sound. CUT TO: PSYCHEDELIC MONTAGE We see Malkovich hurtling through different environments. It's scary: giant toads, swirling eddies of garish, colored lights, naked old people pointing and laughing, black velvet clown paintings. CUT TO: INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT Malkovich pops into a chair in a swakn night club. He's wearing a tuxedo. The woman across the table from him is also Malkovich, but in a gown. He looks around the restaurant. Everyone is Malkovich in different clothes. Malkovich is panicked. The girl Malkovich across the table looks at him seductively, winks and talks. GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich looks confused. The Malkovich waiter approaches, pen and pad in hand, ready to take their orders. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich? GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich. (Turning to Malkovich) Malkovich? Malkovich looks down at the menu. Every item is "Malkovich." He screams: MALKOVICH Malkovich! The waiter jots it down on his pad. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich. Malkovich pushes himself away from the table and runs for the exit. He passes the stage where a girl singer Malkovich is singin sensuously into the microphone. She is backed by a '40's style big band of Malkoviches. SINGING MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich flies through the back door. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - DAY Malkovich lands with a thud in the ditch. Craig is waiting there with his van. On its side is painted "See The World in Malk-O-Vision" followed by a phone number. Malkovich is huddled and shivering and soaking wet. CRAIG So how was it? MALKOVICH That... was... no... simulation. CRAIG I know. I'm sorry... MALKOVICH I have been to the dark side. I have seen a world that no man should ever see. CRAIG Really? For most people it's a rather pleasant experience. What exactly did you... MALKOVICH This portal is mine and must be sealed up forever. For the love of God. CRAIG With all respect, sir, I discovered that portal. Its my livelihood. MALKOVICH It's my head, Schwartz, and I'll see you in court! Malkovich trudges off along the shoulder of the turnpike. CRAIG (calling after him) And who's to say I won't be seeing what you're seeing... in court? Cars whiz by Malkovich. Someone yells from a passing car. MOTORIST Hey, Malkovich! Think fast! Malkovich looks up. A beer can comes flying out of the car and hits him on the head. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Craig is feeding the animals. His gun is stuck in his pants. He gets to Lotte's cage. She is bound but ungagged. She looks haggard. LOTTE Once this was a relationship based on love. Now you have me in a cage with a monkey and a gun to my head. CRAIG Things change. Anyway, you gave up your claim to that love the first time you stuck your dick in Maxine. LOTTE You fell in love with her first. CRAIG Yeah but I didn't do anything about it. Out of respect for our marriage. LOTTE You didn't do anything about it out of respect for the fact that she wouldn't let you near her with a ten foot pole, which is, by the way, about nine feet, nine inches off the mark anyway. CRAIG (beat) That's true. Oh, God, Lotte, what have I become? My wife in a cage with a monkey. A gun in my hand. Betrayal in my heart. LOTTE Maybe this is what you've always been, Craig, you just never faced it before. CRAIG Perhaps you're right. I can't let you go though. Too much has happened. You're my ace in the hole. LOTTE I need a shower. CRAIG I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry. I'm some kind of monster. I'm the guy you read about in the paper and go, "he's some kind of monster." LOTTE You're not a monster, Craig. Just a confused man. CRAIG I love you so much. She dials her phone, opens her cage, puts phone to her ear. CRAIG (CONT'D) But I gotta go now. I've got to go be Johnny. MAXINE (O.S.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone... LOTTE We have to meet. MAXINE One hour. Craig hangs up, tapes Lotte's mouth. CRAIG I'll tell you all about it when I get home. Craig exits. Lotte fiddles with the ropes on her hands Elijah, slumped in the corner of the cage, blankly watches her moving hands. Suddenly his eyes narrow. Something is going on in his brain. We move slowly into his eyes. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. JUNGLE - DAY It is a memory: blurry and overexposed, the color washed out. We see a weathered wooden sign which reads "Africa." The sound of running feet, huffing frantic breathing. We watch from up in a tree (Elijah's POV) as two men in safari suits chase a couple of chimps across the jungle floor. The chimps are screaming as the safari men tackle them and tie them up. The safari men laugh. SAFARI MAN Well, there monkeys ain't going nowhere. Let's get us a couple a brews 'fore the boss comes back... The safari men leave the chimps on the ground. We descend from the trees to the ground next to the bound chimps. One of the chimps looks at the camera. He grunts and squeals. CHIMP ONE (DUBBED VOICE) Son, untie your mother and me! Quickly! Before the great bald chimp-men return. A small pair of chimp hands enter into the frame and struggle to untie the ropes, but to no avail. Chimp two speaks. CHIMP TWO (DUBBED VOICE) Hurry, Elijah! SAFARI MAN Why you little bastard! Elijah is wrestled to the ground amidst much screaming. DISSOLVE TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - DAY Elijah shakes off the memory and looks determinedly at the ropes on Lotte's hands. He attempts to untie the knot. He works furiously and succeeds. Lotte pulls the tape from her mouth. LOTTE Oh, Elijah, you are magnificent! Elijah beams and screams for ecstatic joy. Lotte unlocks the cage, and dials the phone. LOTTE Maxine! Listen: It hasn't been me in John the last three times. Craig's had me locked up in the apartment. He made me call you at gunpoint. It's been him! Oh, God, it's been him! MAXINE (O.S.) (beat, calmly) Really? Well, you know, he's quite good. I'm surprised. Anyway, I have a session with Malkovich I have to attend. I'll speak with you soon. LOTTE But Maxine, I thought it was me you loved. MAXINE (O.S.) I thought so too, doll. I guess we were mistaken. Maxine hangs up. Lotte, visibly shaken, dials the phone. LOTTE Hello, Dr. Lester? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT The doorbell rings. Malkovich answers it. Maxine stands there, dressed in an evening gown. MALKOVICH Come on in. MAXINE I can explain about the portal, darling. MALKOVICH Don't con me, Maxine. We're over. I just let you up here to tell you that, and to tell you that I'm taking you and Schwartz to court. MAXINE Oh shut up. (beat) Craig, darling are you in there? Malkovich tenses up, then shakes his head in an awkward, puppet-like manner. When Malkovich speaks, it seems to be against him will. MALKOVICH Yes. How did you know it was me? MAXINE Lotte called me. MALKOVICH Oh, so the bitch escaped. MAXINE Apparently you can control this Malkovich fellow now. MALKOVICH I'm getting better all the time. MAXINE I'll say you are. Let's do it on his kitchen table, then make him eat an omelette off of it. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich) No... damn... you... (as Craig) Oh shut up, you overrated sack of shit. Malkovich begins undressing, and does a lewd bump and grind while looking mortified. Maxine giggles. Malkovich (Craig) laughs wildly. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lester's hand is in a bloody bandage. The juicer sits on hi desk. Lotte sits across from him looking nervous and hollow-eyed. LESTER You know I think it pays to leave juice-making to the trained professionals. You look terrible, my dear. LOTTE Craig stole Maxine from me, Dr. Lester. LESTER Hmmm, a lesbian, are you? I must inform you that I find that highly arousing. LOTTE No, you don't understand. I've been inside Malkovich when I'm with Maxine... LESTER (slaps Lotte furiously) What?! That is not allowed. My God, you are supposed to be one of us. You know you must never partake of Malkovich by yourself! LOTTE No, I didn't know that. LESTER Oh, didn't anyone show you the indoctrination video? LOTTE No. LESTER Oh, sorry. Right this way. CUT TO: INT. SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT Lotte site next to Lester in the darkened auditorium. The projector whirs. The screen lights up. TITLE: SO YOU WANT TO BE JOHN MALKOVICH A much younger Lester addresses the camera in this black and white film, which seems to have been made in the 50's. LESTER ON FILM Welcome, my fellow Malkovichians. As you may already know, today a baby was born into this sad world. We see a shot of a newborn. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) His name is John Horatio Hannibal Malkovich. And we are the keepers of the door to his soul. One day, when his brain is big enough, we will all journey into his head and live there for all eternity. Following the teachings of our leader Karl Marx, we will build the ultimate communist community, one body and hundreds, maybe thousands, of brains inside working together to form a super human intellect capable of curing disease, stopping all war, and ruling the world with a benevolent fist. We will take a wife, a woman of uncommon beauty and intellect, who is, as yet, still an infant herself. We see a photo of another infant, this one with a ribbon in her hair. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) Her name is Floris Horatia Hannibella DeMent. LOTTE Does Floris know that she's the chosen? LESTER Well, I tried to explain it to her, but... Lester points to his ear and shrugs. CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine lie naked on the bed, looking quite relaxed. MAXINE You still there, sweets? MALKOVICH Yeah. I've figured out how to hold on as long as I want. Oddly enough, it's all in the wrists. MAXINE Wow. (little girl pout) Do a puppet show for me, Craig honey. MALKOVICH You mean with Malkovich? MAXINE I'd love to see your work. MALKOVICH (pleased) Really? Yeah. Okay. Malkovich leans over and kisses her, then gets up. MALKOVICH (CONT'D) I'll do something I call "Craig's Dance of Despair and Disillusionment." Malkovich performs the same dance that the Craig pupper did at the beginning of the film. It is exactly the same, complete with impossible somersaults and perspiring brow. He finishes by falling to his knees and weeping. MAXINE (moved) That was incredible. You're brilliant! MALKOVICH You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing with dolls. MAXINE You're right, my darling, it's so much more. It's playing with people! Malkovich kisses Maxine. She snuggles close to him. MAXINE Stay in him forever? MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, screaming) No! (as Craig, calmly) But how will we make a living, my love, if our clientele doesn't have access to our product? MAXINE Well, we'll have all the money in Malkovich's bank account, plus he still gets acting work occasionally. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, breaking through) No! Please! (as Craig, to Malkovich) Shut up, will you? We're trying to think here. (to Maxine) It is sort of like being a puppeteer. I like that about it. MAXINE No one would ever have to know its not him. MALKOVICH (an idea) Wait a minute! What if everybody knew? What if we presented Malkovich as the world's most complicated puppet and me as the only puppeteer sophisticated enough to work him? We'd wipe the floor with the Great Mantini! MAXINE Oh, Craiggy, that's brilliant! CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S SHRINE ROOM - NIGHT The worshippers are assembled. Lotte stands before them. LOTTE I have sinned, unwittingly, against the community. And for this I am truly sorry. MAN #2 W-w-what's it like on the inside? LOTTE Oh, it's glorious. It's indescribable. MAN #2 Oooh, I wanna go. I wanna go. I say it's time. LESTER Perhaps you're right, Terry. We're all prepared, and perhaps this Schwartz fellow is forcing our hand a bit. We will enter the portal tonight! Everyone cheers. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich are furiously filling the portal with cement. Suddenly Malkovich stops and runs to the office door screaming a bloodcurdling scream. He stops just as suddenly, begins to strangle himself. MALKOVICH (Craig to Malkovich) Shut up! (to Maxine) Sorry, dear, I lost control for a minute. MAXINE (kissing him) It's okay, my sweet. They go back to filling the portal. There is the sound of many shuffling feet in the hallway. The door flies open and the Malkovichians led by Lester and Lotte burst in. Malkovich and Maxine turn with a start. LESTER Aaaahhhh, the portal! LOTTE (to Malkovich) You bastard! Lotte lunges for Malkovich. Lester grabs her arm, holds her back. LESTER No! Don't harm the vessel! LOTTE It's Craig in there, I can tell. LESTER I understand, but we must protect the vessel at all costs. (to Malkovich) Please, Craig, please step aside and allow us to have what is rightfully ours. CRAIG Squatter's rights, Lester. Craig laughs somewhat maniacally. Maxine slips her arm through Craig's, joins him in his laughter, and glances triumphantly over at Lotte. MAXINE Now excuse us, we have an entertainment legend to create. LESTER (to the cult members) Clear the way for them, my friends. They will be dealt with in due time. The Malkovichians grumble and let Malkovich and Maxine exit. LESTER (CONT'D) Now, let's see what we can do to salvage this portal... for the sake of all that is good. The Malkovichians converge on the sealed portal, and begin clawing desperately at the quick-drying cement. Fingers are scraped raw, and we see smears of blood and skin on the rough gray surface. CUT TO: INT. AGENT'S OFFICE - DAY A slick-looking agent answers a buzzing phone. AGENT Of course, send him right in. Don't ever keep him waiting again. Do you understand? Malkovich and Maxine enter. The agent stands, holds out his hand. AGENT (CONT'D) John! Great to see you! Sorry about the cunt at reception. MALKOVICH This is my fiancee Maxine. The agent shakes Maxine's hand. AGENT Great to see you, Maxine. Sorry about the cunt at reception. Please have a seat. Malkovich and Maxine sit. AGENT (CONT'D) Can I get you anything? Coffee? Water? MAXINE No thanks. AGENT (into phone) Teresa, get me a chicken soup. (to Malkovich and Maxine) Chicken soup? Maxine and Malkovich shake their heads "no." MALKOVICH I'll get right to the point, Larry. I'm a puppet now... AGENT Okay. MALKOVICH I'm being controlled by the world's greatest puppeteer, Craig Schwartz... AGENT (no clue) Oh yeah, he's good. MALKOVICH ... and I want to show off his skills by performing a one-puppet extravaganza in Reno. MAXINE Vegas. MALKOVICH Vegas. Can you arrange that? AGENT Sure, sure. Just let me

red

How many times the word 'red' appears in the text?

CRAIG What's that? LOTTE (beat) Us, of course. Craig looks up from his packing. He and Lotte stare at each other for a long while. CRAIG (tenderly) Oh, Lot... They hug. CRAIG (CONT'D) What about Maxine? LOTTE Fuck Maxine. CRAIG We wish. They look at each other and laugh, them fall back into the embrace. They both get faraway looks in their eyes. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S GARAGE - NIGHT The clock reads 3:00 AM. Craig, in his pajamas, is working the Craig and Maxine puppets. They make love on the bare puppet stage. Craig seems possessed. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS The phone rings. Maxine sleepily picks it up. MAXINE Yes? LOTTE (O.S.) I have to see you. Can you call him and invite us over? MAXINE When? LOTTE (O.S.) Give me one hour to get inside him Exactly. Maxine checks her alarm clock. The time is 3:11 AM. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S CAR - NIGHT Lotte drives. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - A BIT LATER The doorbell rings. Maxine, in a sheer black nightgown, answers it. John Malkovich stands there. MAXINE Thanks so much for coming over. MALKOVICH Oh, I'm really glad you called. Maxine gestures for him to enter. As Malkovich passes by her, she checks the wall clock. The time is 3:50. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lotte sits on the floor in the dark. She leans, out of breath, against the wall next to the portal and checks her watch. The time is 4:10. She pulls open the door. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich sit a bit awkwardly next to each other on the couch. MAXINE So, do you enjoy being an actor? MALKOVICH Oh sure. It's very rewarding... The digital clock on the VCR clicks over to 4:11 AM. Maxine's look softens, and she kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. He seems surprised, but quickly warms to it. We shift top Malkovich's POV as Maxine begins to unbutton Malkovich's shirt. LOTTE (V.O.) Oh my darling. Oh my sweetheart. MAXINE I love you, Lotte. LOTTE (V.O.) Maxine... MALKOVICH (stopping) I'm sorry, did you just call me "Lotte"? MAXINE Do you mind? MALKOVICH (thinking) No, I guess not. I'm an actor. They get back to it. MAXINE Oh, my sweet, beautiful Lotte. MALKOVICH (thinks he's playing along) Yes, Maxine, yes. LOTTE (V.O.) This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT A sweaty and spent Craig sneaks back into the bedroom. He sees that the bed is empty. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT With a gasp and a wail of release, Lotte pops into the ditch. She is soaking wet and breathes heavily. She just lies there. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S KITCHEN - MORNING Craig is hunched over a cup of coffee. The front door can be heard to open. After a moment Lotte appears in the kitchen doorway. She is caked with dirt. Craig looks up at her. CRAIG You were him last night, weren't you? LOTTE (quietly) Yes. CRAIG And he was with her. LOTTE We love her, Craig. I'm sorry. CRAIG We? LOTTE Me and John. CRAIG Don't forget me. LOTTE Well, you have the Maxine action figure to play with. Craig looks down at his coffee. LOTTE (CONT'D) I'm sorry. That was nasty. CRAIG Life is confusing, isn't it? LOTTE Sometimes we're forced to make hard decisions. (beat) I'd like for us to stay together, Craig. You know, platonically, if that's possible. I truly value our friendship. CRAIG I feel that somehow my parents never prepared me to make this particular decision. Not that I blame them. How could they know? Today's world is so complicated. (beat) No. I have to go away now. I'm sorry, Lotte. I'm so sorry. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - MORNING Craig enters with red-rimmed eyes. Maxine sits at her desk, actually looking kind of radiant. MAXINE You're late. CRAIG Are you torturing me on purpose? MAXINE (matter of fact) I've fallen in love. CRAIG I don't think so. I've fallen in love. This is what people who've fallen in love look like. MAXINE You picked the unrequited variety. Very bad for the skin. CRAIG You're evil, Maxine. MAXINE Do you have any idea what its like to have two people look at you with total lust and devotion through the same pair of eyes? No I don't suppose you would. It's quite a thrill, Craig. Craig turns and walks out the door. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY 7 1/2 FLOOR - CONTINUOUS Craig hurries past a long line of fat people, all looking eager, all clutching cash. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - MORNING Lester sits at his desk. The intercom buzzes. LESTER (depressing switch) Yes, my dear? FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Someone names A Lot of Warts on line two. LESTER Thank you, Floris. FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Think, Jew florist? LESTER (pressing line 2) Good morning, Lotte! LOTTE (O.S.) Dr. Lester, everything's falling apart. CUT TO: INT. GUN SHOP - MORNING Craig is at the counter buying a pistol. CUT TO: INT. JUICY-JUICE JUICE BAR - MORNING Lester and Lotte sit at a table. They both have really large glasses of carrot juice in front of them. LOTTE I blew it, Dr. Lester. LESTER You followed your heart, my child, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. LOTTE But now we've lost access to Craig. LESTER (laughs) My child, I don't think its a great mystery what Craig's up to. CUT TO: CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY Craig stands still and tense, with gun in hand. We hear the front door unlock. Lotte enters. She does not see Craig. He grabs her from behind as she passes. Lotte screams. Craig holds the gun to her head. LOTTE I'm your Goddamn wife. Once you vowed to cherish me forever. Now you hold a gun to my head? CRAIG Yeah, well welcome to the nineties. LOTTE Suck my dick! CRAIG (slapping her) Shut up! Lotte is stunned. She feels the muzzle against her forehead. She shuts up. Keeping the gun trained on Lotte, Craig dials the phone. He hands the receiver to her. He holds his ear to the receiver also. CRAIG (CONT'D) Tell her you need to see her. LOTTE (to Craig) You bastard. Craig cocks the pistol. MAXINE (V.O.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone else can be. LOTTE (looking at Craig) I have to see you. MAXINE (V.O.) Sweetie! Oh, but we can't. It's business hours. I need to keep the membranous tunnel open for paying customers. CRAIG (sotto) Tell her, what the hell, close early today, live dangerously. LOTTE What the hell, darling. Close early today, live dangerously. MAXINE (V.O.) Oooh, doll. I love this new devil-may-care side of you. Alrighty, I'll track down Lover-boy, and I'll see both of you in one hour. Exactamundo. Maxine hangs up. Lotte hands the phone to Craig, who hangs it up. Craig opens up the big cage where Elijah is housed, and motions with the gun for Lotte to enter. LOTTE (screaming) Help! He's locking me in a cage! Craig slaps Lotte hard. She looks at him, almost sadly. NEIGHBOR Shut up! PARROT Shut up! CRAIG Lesson number one: Be careful what you teach your parrot. Craig tapes Lotte's mouth, ties her hands and feet. Elijah watches him tie her. He becomes somewhat agitated, and holds his stomach. CUT TO: INT. BROADHURST THEATER - DAY Malkovich is rehearsing some business on stage. Maxine watches from the house. She anxiously checks her watch, then points to it so Malkovich can see. MALKOVICH Tommy, can I take fifteen? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on the make-up table, against the mirror. MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Oh, sweetie... We now watch the scene from Malkovich's POV. MALKOVICH Maxine... CRAIG (V.O.) I can't believe it. This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - DAY Craig is toweling himself off, hurriedly combing his hair. Maxine enters. CRAIG You're glowing again. MAXINE A girl has a right to glow if she wants. It's in the fucking constitution. Maxine sits. Craig smiles to himself. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING Craig is feeding the various caged animals. He puts two plates of food in Elijah's cage. Lotte is ungagged and unbound now. She eats as Craig slumps down next to the cage, gun in hand. CRAIG It was lovely being you being Malkovich, my dear. I'd never seen the passionate side of sweet Maxine before, or her actual tits for that matter. If only, I've been thinking to myself, if only I could actually feel what Malkovich feels, rather than just see what he sees... And then, dare I say it, if only I could control his arms, his legs, his pelvis, and make them do my bidding. LOTTE It'll never happen, fuckface. CRAIG Ah, but you're forgetting one thing, Lambchop. LOTTE What's that? CRAIG I'm a puppeteer. Craig picks up the phone and dials. He smiles as he holds the receiver up to Lotte's face. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on Maxine's couch. MAXINE Lotte, this is so good... CRAIG (V.O.) (tense, commanding) Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Malkovich clumsily, awkwardly moves his hand across Maxine's breast. CRAIG (V.O.) (CONT'D) Holy shit, yes! MALKOVICH Holy shit, yes! CRAIG (V.O.) Holy shit! He said what I said! MALKOVICH Holy shit! He said what I said! MAXINE Lotte? Is that you? CRAIG (V.O.) Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! MALKOVICH Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! (scared) What the fuck is going on? I'm not talking. This is not me! MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Maxine kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. There is a sucking sound. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT There is a pop and Craig lands in the ditch. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT A panicked Malkovich is pulling on his clothes. MALKOVICH Something was making me talk. Some Goddamn thing was making me move. I gotta get out of here. MAXINE Oh, Dollface, it was just your passion for me taking hold. MALKOVICH No, Dollface, I know what my passion taking hold feels like. I gotta go. He leaves. Maxine falls back on the couch and sighs contentedly. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT A wet, mess Craig sits next to Lotte's cage. Lotte is bound and gagged. CRAIG I did it, sweetie. I moved his arm across your girlfriend's glorious tit. I made him talk. And, oh, there was the beginning of sensation in the fingertips. Ummmm-mmmm! It's just a matter of practice before Malkovich becomes nothing more than another puppet hanging next to my worktable. Coffee? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich paces nervously, a glass of whisky in his hand. Kevin Bacon sits on the couch and fiddles with a Rubic's Cube. MALKOVICH It's like nothing I've ever felt before. I think I'm going crazy. KEVIN BACON I'm sure you're not going crazy. MALKOVICH Kevin, I'm telling you... it was like nothing I've... KEVIN BACON Yeah yeah yeah. Yadda yadda yadda. Were you stoned? MALKOVICH Yes, but you see, someone else was talking through my mouth. KEVIN BACON You were stoned. Case closed. End of story. How hot is this babe? MALKOVICH I think it might've been this Lotte woman talking through me. Maxine likes to call me Lotte. KEVIN BACON Ouch. Now that's hot. She's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover. Let me know when you're done with her. This is my type of chick. MALKOVICH I'm done with her now. Tonight really creeped me out. KEVIN BACON You're crazy to let go of a chick who calls you Lotte. I tell you that as a friend. MALKOVICH I don't know anything about her. What if she's some sort of witch or something? KEVIN BACON All the better. Hey, Hot Lesbian Witches, next Geraldo, buddy boy. Ha ha ha. MALKOVICH I gotta know the truth, Kevin. KEVIN BACON The truth is for suckers, Johnny-Boy. CUT TO: EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING Malkovich, in a baseball cap and sunglasses, leans against the wall. After a moment, Maxine emerges from the building and walks down the block. Malkovich follows at a safe distance. CUT TO: INT. 7 1/2 FLOOR - MORNING The elevator doors are pried open. It's packed. Maxine and a few other people climb out. The last to emerge is Malkovich. He is astounded by the dimensions of the floor. He turns the corner and sees the long line of crouching fat people. Maxine goes into the office and closes the door. Maxine sees "J.M. Inc." stenciled on the office door. He turns to the first fat man and line. MALKOVICH Excuse me, what type of service does this company provide? FAT MAN You get to be John Malkovich for fifteen minutes. Two hundred clams. MALKOVICH (quietly flipped) I see. FAT MAN No cutting, by the way. Malkovich pounds on the door. FAT MAN (CONT'D) No cutting! Several fat people jump on Malkovich, and start beating him. Craig steps out of the office. CRAIG Hey! Break it up! Break it up! Everybody gets a chance to be... The fat people climb off Malkovich. His glasses and cap have been knocked off and everyone recognizes him. FAT MAN It's him! Oh, we're so sorry Mr. Malkovich! I hope me and my associates from Overeaters Anonymous didn't hurt you too terribly. MALKOVICH (to Craig) Inside. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Craig and Malkovich enter. Maxine looks up, startled, but controlling it. MAXINE Darling! MALKOVICH What the fuck is going on? CRAIG Mr. Malkovich, my name is Craig Schwartz. I can explain. We operate a little business her that... simulates, for our clientele, the experience of... being you, actually. MALKOVICH Simulates? CRAIG Sure, after a fashion. MALKOVICH Let me try. CRAIG You? Why I'm sure it would pale in comparison to the actual experience. MALKOVICH Let me try! MAXINE Let him try. CRAIG Of course, right this way, Mr. Malkovich. Compliments of the house. Craig ushers Malkovich to the portal door, opens it. MALKOVICH (repulsed by the slime) Jesus. Malkovich climbs in. The door closes. CRAIG What happens when a man climbs through his own portal? MAXINE (shrugs) How the hell would I know? I wasn't a philosophy major. CUT TO: INT. MEMBRANOUS TUNNEL - DAY Malkovich crawls through. It's murky. He's tense. Suddenly there is a slurping sound. CUT TO: PSYCHEDELIC MONTAGE We see Malkovich hurtling through different environments. It's scary: giant toads, swirling eddies of garish, colored lights, naked old people pointing and laughing, black velvet clown paintings. CUT TO: INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT Malkovich pops into a chair in a swakn night club. He's wearing a tuxedo. The woman across the table from him is also Malkovich, but in a gown. He looks around the restaurant. Everyone is Malkovich in different clothes. Malkovich is panicked. The girl Malkovich across the table looks at him seductively, winks and talks. GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich looks confused. The Malkovich waiter approaches, pen and pad in hand, ready to take their orders. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich? GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich. (Turning to Malkovich) Malkovich? Malkovich looks down at the menu. Every item is "Malkovich." He screams: MALKOVICH Malkovich! The waiter jots it down on his pad. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich. Malkovich pushes himself away from the table and runs for the exit. He passes the stage where a girl singer Malkovich is singin sensuously into the microphone. She is backed by a '40's style big band of Malkoviches. SINGING MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich flies through the back door. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - DAY Malkovich lands with a thud in the ditch. Craig is waiting there with his van. On its side is painted "See The World in Malk-O-Vision" followed by a phone number. Malkovich is huddled and shivering and soaking wet. CRAIG So how was it? MALKOVICH That... was... no... simulation. CRAIG I know. I'm sorry... MALKOVICH I have been to the dark side. I have seen a world that no man should ever see. CRAIG Really? For most people it's a rather pleasant experience. What exactly did you... MALKOVICH This portal is mine and must be sealed up forever. For the love of God. CRAIG With all respect, sir, I discovered that portal. Its my livelihood. MALKOVICH It's my head, Schwartz, and I'll see you in court! Malkovich trudges off along the shoulder of the turnpike. CRAIG (calling after him) And who's to say I won't be seeing what you're seeing... in court? Cars whiz by Malkovich. Someone yells from a passing car. MOTORIST Hey, Malkovich! Think fast! Malkovich looks up. A beer can comes flying out of the car and hits him on the head. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Craig is feeding the animals. His gun is stuck in his pants. He gets to Lotte's cage. She is bound but ungagged. She looks haggard. LOTTE Once this was a relationship based on love. Now you have me in a cage with a monkey and a gun to my head. CRAIG Things change. Anyway, you gave up your claim to that love the first time you stuck your dick in Maxine. LOTTE You fell in love with her first. CRAIG Yeah but I didn't do anything about it. Out of respect for our marriage. LOTTE You didn't do anything about it out of respect for the fact that she wouldn't let you near her with a ten foot pole, which is, by the way, about nine feet, nine inches off the mark anyway. CRAIG (beat) That's true. Oh, God, Lotte, what have I become? My wife in a cage with a monkey. A gun in my hand. Betrayal in my heart. LOTTE Maybe this is what you've always been, Craig, you just never faced it before. CRAIG Perhaps you're right. I can't let you go though. Too much has happened. You're my ace in the hole. LOTTE I need a shower. CRAIG I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry. I'm some kind of monster. I'm the guy you read about in the paper and go, "he's some kind of monster." LOTTE You're not a monster, Craig. Just a confused man. CRAIG I love you so much. She dials her phone, opens her cage, puts phone to her ear. CRAIG (CONT'D) But I gotta go now. I've got to go be Johnny. MAXINE (O.S.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone... LOTTE We have to meet. MAXINE One hour. Craig hangs up, tapes Lotte's mouth. CRAIG I'll tell you all about it when I get home. Craig exits. Lotte fiddles with the ropes on her hands Elijah, slumped in the corner of the cage, blankly watches her moving hands. Suddenly his eyes narrow. Something is going on in his brain. We move slowly into his eyes. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. JUNGLE - DAY It is a memory: blurry and overexposed, the color washed out. We see a weathered wooden sign which reads "Africa." The sound of running feet, huffing frantic breathing. We watch from up in a tree (Elijah's POV) as two men in safari suits chase a couple of chimps across the jungle floor. The chimps are screaming as the safari men tackle them and tie them up. The safari men laugh. SAFARI MAN Well, there monkeys ain't going nowhere. Let's get us a couple a brews 'fore the boss comes back... The safari men leave the chimps on the ground. We descend from the trees to the ground next to the bound chimps. One of the chimps looks at the camera. He grunts and squeals. CHIMP ONE (DUBBED VOICE) Son, untie your mother and me! Quickly! Before the great bald chimp-men return. A small pair of chimp hands enter into the frame and struggle to untie the ropes, but to no avail. Chimp two speaks. CHIMP TWO (DUBBED VOICE) Hurry, Elijah! SAFARI MAN Why you little bastard! Elijah is wrestled to the ground amidst much screaming. DISSOLVE TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - DAY Elijah shakes off the memory and looks determinedly at the ropes on Lotte's hands. He attempts to untie the knot. He works furiously and succeeds. Lotte pulls the tape from her mouth. LOTTE Oh, Elijah, you are magnificent! Elijah beams and screams for ecstatic joy. Lotte unlocks the cage, and dials the phone. LOTTE Maxine! Listen: It hasn't been me in John the last three times. Craig's had me locked up in the apartment. He made me call you at gunpoint. It's been him! Oh, God, it's been him! MAXINE (O.S.) (beat, calmly) Really? Well, you know, he's quite good. I'm surprised. Anyway, I have a session with Malkovich I have to attend. I'll speak with you soon. LOTTE But Maxine, I thought it was me you loved. MAXINE (O.S.) I thought so too, doll. I guess we were mistaken. Maxine hangs up. Lotte, visibly shaken, dials the phone. LOTTE Hello, Dr. Lester? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT The doorbell rings. Malkovich answers it. Maxine stands there, dressed in an evening gown. MALKOVICH Come on in. MAXINE I can explain about the portal, darling. MALKOVICH Don't con me, Maxine. We're over. I just let you up here to tell you that, and to tell you that I'm taking you and Schwartz to court. MAXINE Oh shut up. (beat) Craig, darling are you in there? Malkovich tenses up, then shakes his head in an awkward, puppet-like manner. When Malkovich speaks, it seems to be against him will. MALKOVICH Yes. How did you know it was me? MAXINE Lotte called me. MALKOVICH Oh, so the bitch escaped. MAXINE Apparently you can control this Malkovich fellow now. MALKOVICH I'm getting better all the time. MAXINE I'll say you are. Let's do it on his kitchen table, then make him eat an omelette off of it. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich) No... damn... you... (as Craig) Oh shut up, you overrated sack of shit. Malkovich begins undressing, and does a lewd bump and grind while looking mortified. Maxine giggles. Malkovich (Craig) laughs wildly. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lester's hand is in a bloody bandage. The juicer sits on hi desk. Lotte sits across from him looking nervous and hollow-eyed. LESTER You know I think it pays to leave juice-making to the trained professionals. You look terrible, my dear. LOTTE Craig stole Maxine from me, Dr. Lester. LESTER Hmmm, a lesbian, are you? I must inform you that I find that highly arousing. LOTTE No, you don't understand. I've been inside Malkovich when I'm with Maxine... LESTER (slaps Lotte furiously) What?! That is not allowed. My God, you are supposed to be one of us. You know you must never partake of Malkovich by yourself! LOTTE No, I didn't know that. LESTER Oh, didn't anyone show you the indoctrination video? LOTTE No. LESTER Oh, sorry. Right this way. CUT TO: INT. SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT Lotte site next to Lester in the darkened auditorium. The projector whirs. The screen lights up. TITLE: SO YOU WANT TO BE JOHN MALKOVICH A much younger Lester addresses the camera in this black and white film, which seems to have been made in the 50's. LESTER ON FILM Welcome, my fellow Malkovichians. As you may already know, today a baby was born into this sad world. We see a shot of a newborn. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) His name is John Horatio Hannibal Malkovich. And we are the keepers of the door to his soul. One day, when his brain is big enough, we will all journey into his head and live there for all eternity. Following the teachings of our leader Karl Marx, we will build the ultimate communist community, one body and hundreds, maybe thousands, of brains inside working together to form a super human intellect capable of curing disease, stopping all war, and ruling the world with a benevolent fist. We will take a wife, a woman of uncommon beauty and intellect, who is, as yet, still an infant herself. We see a photo of another infant, this one with a ribbon in her hair. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) Her name is Floris Horatia Hannibella DeMent. LOTTE Does Floris know that she's the chosen? LESTER Well, I tried to explain it to her, but... Lester points to his ear and shrugs. CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine lie naked on the bed, looking quite relaxed. MAXINE You still there, sweets? MALKOVICH Yeah. I've figured out how to hold on as long as I want. Oddly enough, it's all in the wrists. MAXINE Wow. (little girl pout) Do a puppet show for me, Craig honey. MALKOVICH You mean with Malkovich? MAXINE I'd love to see your work. MALKOVICH (pleased) Really? Yeah. Okay. Malkovich leans over and kisses her, then gets up. MALKOVICH (CONT'D) I'll do something I call "Craig's Dance of Despair and Disillusionment." Malkovich performs the same dance that the Craig pupper did at the beginning of the film. It is exactly the same, complete with impossible somersaults and perspiring brow. He finishes by falling to his knees and weeping. MAXINE (moved) That was incredible. You're brilliant! MALKOVICH You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing with dolls. MAXINE You're right, my darling, it's so much more. It's playing with people! Malkovich kisses Maxine. She snuggles close to him. MAXINE Stay in him forever? MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, screaming) No! (as Craig, calmly) But how will we make a living, my love, if our clientele doesn't have access to our product? MAXINE Well, we'll have all the money in Malkovich's bank account, plus he still gets acting work occasionally. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, breaking through) No! Please! (as Craig, to Malkovich) Shut up, will you? We're trying to think here. (to Maxine) It is sort of like being a puppeteer. I like that about it. MAXINE No one would ever have to know its not him. MALKOVICH (an idea) Wait a minute! What if everybody knew? What if we presented Malkovich as the world's most complicated puppet and me as the only puppeteer sophisticated enough to work him? We'd wipe the floor with the Great Mantini! MAXINE Oh, Craiggy, that's brilliant! CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S SHRINE ROOM - NIGHT The worshippers are assembled. Lotte stands before them. LOTTE I have sinned, unwittingly, against the community. And for this I am truly sorry. MAN #2 W-w-what's it like on the inside? LOTTE Oh, it's glorious. It's indescribable. MAN #2 Oooh, I wanna go. I wanna go. I say it's time. LESTER Perhaps you're right, Terry. We're all prepared, and perhaps this Schwartz fellow is forcing our hand a bit. We will enter the portal tonight! Everyone cheers. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich are furiously filling the portal with cement. Suddenly Malkovich stops and runs to the office door screaming a bloodcurdling scream. He stops just as suddenly, begins to strangle himself. MALKOVICH (Craig to Malkovich) Shut up! (to Maxine) Sorry, dear, I lost control for a minute. MAXINE (kissing him) It's okay, my sweet. They go back to filling the portal. There is the sound of many shuffling feet in the hallway. The door flies open and the Malkovichians led by Lester and Lotte burst in. Malkovich and Maxine turn with a start. LESTER Aaaahhhh, the portal! LOTTE (to Malkovich) You bastard! Lotte lunges for Malkovich. Lester grabs her arm, holds her back. LESTER No! Don't harm the vessel! LOTTE It's Craig in there, I can tell. LESTER I understand, but we must protect the vessel at all costs. (to Malkovich) Please, Craig, please step aside and allow us to have what is rightfully ours. CRAIG Squatter's rights, Lester. Craig laughs somewhat maniacally. Maxine slips her arm through Craig's, joins him in his laughter, and glances triumphantly over at Lotte. MAXINE Now excuse us, we have an entertainment legend to create. LESTER (to the cult members) Clear the way for them, my friends. They will be dealt with in due time. The Malkovichians grumble and let Malkovich and Maxine exit. LESTER (CONT'D) Now, let's see what we can do to salvage this portal... for the sake of all that is good. The Malkovichians converge on the sealed portal, and begin clawing desperately at the quick-drying cement. Fingers are scraped raw, and we see smears of blood and skin on the rough gray surface. CUT TO: INT. AGENT'S OFFICE - DAY A slick-looking agent answers a buzzing phone. AGENT Of course, send him right in. Don't ever keep him waiting again. Do you understand? Malkovich and Maxine enter. The agent stands, holds out his hand. AGENT (CONT'D) John! Great to see you! Sorry about the cunt at reception. MALKOVICH This is my fiancee Maxine. The agent shakes Maxine's hand. AGENT Great to see you, Maxine. Sorry about the cunt at reception. Please have a seat. Malkovich and Maxine sit. AGENT (CONT'D) Can I get you anything? Coffee? Water? MAXINE No thanks. AGENT (into phone) Teresa, get me a chicken soup. (to Malkovich and Maxine) Chicken soup? Maxine and Malkovich shake their heads "no." MALKOVICH I'll get right to the point, Larry. I'm a puppet now... AGENT Okay. MALKOVICH I'm being controlled by the world's greatest puppeteer, Craig Schwartz... AGENT (no clue) Oh yeah, he's good. MALKOVICH ... and I want to show off his skills by performing a one-puppet extravaganza in Reno. MAXINE Vegas. MALKOVICH Vegas. Can you arrange that? AGENT Sure, sure. Just let me

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How many times the word 'open' appears in the text?

CRAIG What's that? LOTTE (beat) Us, of course. Craig looks up from his packing. He and Lotte stare at each other for a long while. CRAIG (tenderly) Oh, Lot... They hug. CRAIG (CONT'D) What about Maxine? LOTTE Fuck Maxine. CRAIG We wish. They look at each other and laugh, them fall back into the embrace. They both get faraway looks in their eyes. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S GARAGE - NIGHT The clock reads 3:00 AM. Craig, in his pajamas, is working the Craig and Maxine puppets. They make love on the bare puppet stage. Craig seems possessed. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS The phone rings. Maxine sleepily picks it up. MAXINE Yes? LOTTE (O.S.) I have to see you. Can you call him and invite us over? MAXINE When? LOTTE (O.S.) Give me one hour to get inside him Exactly. Maxine checks her alarm clock. The time is 3:11 AM. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S CAR - NIGHT Lotte drives. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - A BIT LATER The doorbell rings. Maxine, in a sheer black nightgown, answers it. John Malkovich stands there. MAXINE Thanks so much for coming over. MALKOVICH Oh, I'm really glad you called. Maxine gestures for him to enter. As Malkovich passes by her, she checks the wall clock. The time is 3:50. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lotte sits on the floor in the dark. She leans, out of breath, against the wall next to the portal and checks her watch. The time is 4:10. She pulls open the door. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich sit a bit awkwardly next to each other on the couch. MAXINE So, do you enjoy being an actor? MALKOVICH Oh sure. It's very rewarding... The digital clock on the VCR clicks over to 4:11 AM. Maxine's look softens, and she kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. He seems surprised, but quickly warms to it. We shift top Malkovich's POV as Maxine begins to unbutton Malkovich's shirt. LOTTE (V.O.) Oh my darling. Oh my sweetheart. MAXINE I love you, Lotte. LOTTE (V.O.) Maxine... MALKOVICH (stopping) I'm sorry, did you just call me "Lotte"? MAXINE Do you mind? MALKOVICH (thinking) No, I guess not. I'm an actor. They get back to it. MAXINE Oh, my sweet, beautiful Lotte. MALKOVICH (thinks he's playing along) Yes, Maxine, yes. LOTTE (V.O.) This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT A sweaty and spent Craig sneaks back into the bedroom. He sees that the bed is empty. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT With a gasp and a wail of release, Lotte pops into the ditch. She is soaking wet and breathes heavily. She just lies there. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S KITCHEN - MORNING Craig is hunched over a cup of coffee. The front door can be heard to open. After a moment Lotte appears in the kitchen doorway. She is caked with dirt. Craig looks up at her. CRAIG You were him last night, weren't you? LOTTE (quietly) Yes. CRAIG And he was with her. LOTTE We love her, Craig. I'm sorry. CRAIG We? LOTTE Me and John. CRAIG Don't forget me. LOTTE Well, you have the Maxine action figure to play with. Craig looks down at his coffee. LOTTE (CONT'D) I'm sorry. That was nasty. CRAIG Life is confusing, isn't it? LOTTE Sometimes we're forced to make hard decisions. (beat) I'd like for us to stay together, Craig. You know, platonically, if that's possible. I truly value our friendship. CRAIG I feel that somehow my parents never prepared me to make this particular decision. Not that I blame them. How could they know? Today's world is so complicated. (beat) No. I have to go away now. I'm sorry, Lotte. I'm so sorry. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - MORNING Craig enters with red-rimmed eyes. Maxine sits at her desk, actually looking kind of radiant. MAXINE You're late. CRAIG Are you torturing me on purpose? MAXINE (matter of fact) I've fallen in love. CRAIG I don't think so. I've fallen in love. This is what people who've fallen in love look like. MAXINE You picked the unrequited variety. Very bad for the skin. CRAIG You're evil, Maxine. MAXINE Do you have any idea what its like to have two people look at you with total lust and devotion through the same pair of eyes? No I don't suppose you would. It's quite a thrill, Craig. Craig turns and walks out the door. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY 7 1/2 FLOOR - CONTINUOUS Craig hurries past a long line of fat people, all looking eager, all clutching cash. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - MORNING Lester sits at his desk. The intercom buzzes. LESTER (depressing switch) Yes, my dear? FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Someone names A Lot of Warts on line two. LESTER Thank you, Floris. FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Think, Jew florist? LESTER (pressing line 2) Good morning, Lotte! LOTTE (O.S.) Dr. Lester, everything's falling apart. CUT TO: INT. GUN SHOP - MORNING Craig is at the counter buying a pistol. CUT TO: INT. JUICY-JUICE JUICE BAR - MORNING Lester and Lotte sit at a table. They both have really large glasses of carrot juice in front of them. LOTTE I blew it, Dr. Lester. LESTER You followed your heart, my child, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. LOTTE But now we've lost access to Craig. LESTER (laughs) My child, I don't think its a great mystery what Craig's up to. CUT TO: CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY Craig stands still and tense, with gun in hand. We hear the front door unlock. Lotte enters. She does not see Craig. He grabs her from behind as she passes. Lotte screams. Craig holds the gun to her head. LOTTE I'm your Goddamn wife. Once you vowed to cherish me forever. Now you hold a gun to my head? CRAIG Yeah, well welcome to the nineties. LOTTE Suck my dick! CRAIG (slapping her) Shut up! Lotte is stunned. She feels the muzzle against her forehead. She shuts up. Keeping the gun trained on Lotte, Craig dials the phone. He hands the receiver to her. He holds his ear to the receiver also. CRAIG (CONT'D) Tell her you need to see her. LOTTE (to Craig) You bastard. Craig cocks the pistol. MAXINE (V.O.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone else can be. LOTTE (looking at Craig) I have to see you. MAXINE (V.O.) Sweetie! Oh, but we can't. It's business hours. I need to keep the membranous tunnel open for paying customers. CRAIG (sotto) Tell her, what the hell, close early today, live dangerously. LOTTE What the hell, darling. Close early today, live dangerously. MAXINE (V.O.) Oooh, doll. I love this new devil-may-care side of you. Alrighty, I'll track down Lover-boy, and I'll see both of you in one hour. Exactamundo. Maxine hangs up. Lotte hands the phone to Craig, who hangs it up. Craig opens up the big cage where Elijah is housed, and motions with the gun for Lotte to enter. LOTTE (screaming) Help! He's locking me in a cage! Craig slaps Lotte hard. She looks at him, almost sadly. NEIGHBOR Shut up! PARROT Shut up! CRAIG Lesson number one: Be careful what you teach your parrot. Craig tapes Lotte's mouth, ties her hands and feet. Elijah watches him tie her. He becomes somewhat agitated, and holds his stomach. CUT TO: INT. BROADHURST THEATER - DAY Malkovich is rehearsing some business on stage. Maxine watches from the house. She anxiously checks her watch, then points to it so Malkovich can see. MALKOVICH Tommy, can I take fifteen? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on the make-up table, against the mirror. MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Oh, sweetie... We now watch the scene from Malkovich's POV. MALKOVICH Maxine... CRAIG (V.O.) I can't believe it. This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - DAY Craig is toweling himself off, hurriedly combing his hair. Maxine enters. CRAIG You're glowing again. MAXINE A girl has a right to glow if she wants. It's in the fucking constitution. Maxine sits. Craig smiles to himself. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING Craig is feeding the various caged animals. He puts two plates of food in Elijah's cage. Lotte is ungagged and unbound now. She eats as Craig slumps down next to the cage, gun in hand. CRAIG It was lovely being you being Malkovich, my dear. I'd never seen the passionate side of sweet Maxine before, or her actual tits for that matter. If only, I've been thinking to myself, if only I could actually feel what Malkovich feels, rather than just see what he sees... And then, dare I say it, if only I could control his arms, his legs, his pelvis, and make them do my bidding. LOTTE It'll never happen, fuckface. CRAIG Ah, but you're forgetting one thing, Lambchop. LOTTE What's that? CRAIG I'm a puppeteer. Craig picks up the phone and dials. He smiles as he holds the receiver up to Lotte's face. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on Maxine's couch. MAXINE Lotte, this is so good... CRAIG (V.O.) (tense, commanding) Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Malkovich clumsily, awkwardly moves his hand across Maxine's breast. CRAIG (V.O.) (CONT'D) Holy shit, yes! MALKOVICH Holy shit, yes! CRAIG (V.O.) Holy shit! He said what I said! MALKOVICH Holy shit! He said what I said! MAXINE Lotte? Is that you? CRAIG (V.O.) Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! MALKOVICH Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! (scared) What the fuck is going on? I'm not talking. This is not me! MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Maxine kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. There is a sucking sound. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT There is a pop and Craig lands in the ditch. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT A panicked Malkovich is pulling on his clothes. MALKOVICH Something was making me talk. Some Goddamn thing was making me move. I gotta get out of here. MAXINE Oh, Dollface, it was just your passion for me taking hold. MALKOVICH No, Dollface, I know what my passion taking hold feels like. I gotta go. He leaves. Maxine falls back on the couch and sighs contentedly. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT A wet, mess Craig sits next to Lotte's cage. Lotte is bound and gagged. CRAIG I did it, sweetie. I moved his arm across your girlfriend's glorious tit. I made him talk. And, oh, there was the beginning of sensation in the fingertips. Ummmm-mmmm! It's just a matter of practice before Malkovich becomes nothing more than another puppet hanging next to my worktable. Coffee? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich paces nervously, a glass of whisky in his hand. Kevin Bacon sits on the couch and fiddles with a Rubic's Cube. MALKOVICH It's like nothing I've ever felt before. I think I'm going crazy. KEVIN BACON I'm sure you're not going crazy. MALKOVICH Kevin, I'm telling you... it was like nothing I've... KEVIN BACON Yeah yeah yeah. Yadda yadda yadda. Were you stoned? MALKOVICH Yes, but you see, someone else was talking through my mouth. KEVIN BACON You were stoned. Case closed. End of story. How hot is this babe? MALKOVICH I think it might've been this Lotte woman talking through me. Maxine likes to call me Lotte. KEVIN BACON Ouch. Now that's hot. She's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover. Let me know when you're done with her. This is my type of chick. MALKOVICH I'm done with her now. Tonight really creeped me out. KEVIN BACON You're crazy to let go of a chick who calls you Lotte. I tell you that as a friend. MALKOVICH I don't know anything about her. What if she's some sort of witch or something? KEVIN BACON All the better. Hey, Hot Lesbian Witches, next Geraldo, buddy boy. Ha ha ha. MALKOVICH I gotta know the truth, Kevin. KEVIN BACON The truth is for suckers, Johnny-Boy. CUT TO: EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING Malkovich, in a baseball cap and sunglasses, leans against the wall. After a moment, Maxine emerges from the building and walks down the block. Malkovich follows at a safe distance. CUT TO: INT. 7 1/2 FLOOR - MORNING The elevator doors are pried open. It's packed. Maxine and a few other people climb out. The last to emerge is Malkovich. He is astounded by the dimensions of the floor. He turns the corner and sees the long line of crouching fat people. Maxine goes into the office and closes the door. Maxine sees "J.M. Inc." stenciled on the office door. He turns to the first fat man and line. MALKOVICH Excuse me, what type of service does this company provide? FAT MAN You get to be John Malkovich for fifteen minutes. Two hundred clams. MALKOVICH (quietly flipped) I see. FAT MAN No cutting, by the way. Malkovich pounds on the door. FAT MAN (CONT'D) No cutting! Several fat people jump on Malkovich, and start beating him. Craig steps out of the office. CRAIG Hey! Break it up! Break it up! Everybody gets a chance to be... The fat people climb off Malkovich. His glasses and cap have been knocked off and everyone recognizes him. FAT MAN It's him! Oh, we're so sorry Mr. Malkovich! I hope me and my associates from Overeaters Anonymous didn't hurt you too terribly. MALKOVICH (to Craig) Inside. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Craig and Malkovich enter. Maxine looks up, startled, but controlling it. MAXINE Darling! MALKOVICH What the fuck is going on? CRAIG Mr. Malkovich, my name is Craig Schwartz. I can explain. We operate a little business her that... simulates, for our clientele, the experience of... being you, actually. MALKOVICH Simulates? CRAIG Sure, after a fashion. MALKOVICH Let me try. CRAIG You? Why I'm sure it would pale in comparison to the actual experience. MALKOVICH Let me try! MAXINE Let him try. CRAIG Of course, right this way, Mr. Malkovich. Compliments of the house. Craig ushers Malkovich to the portal door, opens it. MALKOVICH (repulsed by the slime) Jesus. Malkovich climbs in. The door closes. CRAIG What happens when a man climbs through his own portal? MAXINE (shrugs) How the hell would I know? I wasn't a philosophy major. CUT TO: INT. MEMBRANOUS TUNNEL - DAY Malkovich crawls through. It's murky. He's tense. Suddenly there is a slurping sound. CUT TO: PSYCHEDELIC MONTAGE We see Malkovich hurtling through different environments. It's scary: giant toads, swirling eddies of garish, colored lights, naked old people pointing and laughing, black velvet clown paintings. CUT TO: INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT Malkovich pops into a chair in a swakn night club. He's wearing a tuxedo. The woman across the table from him is also Malkovich, but in a gown. He looks around the restaurant. Everyone is Malkovich in different clothes. Malkovich is panicked. The girl Malkovich across the table looks at him seductively, winks and talks. GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich looks confused. The Malkovich waiter approaches, pen and pad in hand, ready to take their orders. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich? GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich. (Turning to Malkovich) Malkovich? Malkovich looks down at the menu. Every item is "Malkovich." He screams: MALKOVICH Malkovich! The waiter jots it down on his pad. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich. Malkovich pushes himself away from the table and runs for the exit. He passes the stage where a girl singer Malkovich is singin sensuously into the microphone. She is backed by a '40's style big band of Malkoviches. SINGING MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich flies through the back door. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - DAY Malkovich lands with a thud in the ditch. Craig is waiting there with his van. On its side is painted "See The World in Malk-O-Vision" followed by a phone number. Malkovich is huddled and shivering and soaking wet. CRAIG So how was it? MALKOVICH That... was... no... simulation. CRAIG I know. I'm sorry... MALKOVICH I have been to the dark side. I have seen a world that no man should ever see. CRAIG Really? For most people it's a rather pleasant experience. What exactly did you... MALKOVICH This portal is mine and must be sealed up forever. For the love of God. CRAIG With all respect, sir, I discovered that portal. Its my livelihood. MALKOVICH It's my head, Schwartz, and I'll see you in court! Malkovich trudges off along the shoulder of the turnpike. CRAIG (calling after him) And who's to say I won't be seeing what you're seeing... in court? Cars whiz by Malkovich. Someone yells from a passing car. MOTORIST Hey, Malkovich! Think fast! Malkovich looks up. A beer can comes flying out of the car and hits him on the head. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Craig is feeding the animals. His gun is stuck in his pants. He gets to Lotte's cage. She is bound but ungagged. She looks haggard. LOTTE Once this was a relationship based on love. Now you have me in a cage with a monkey and a gun to my head. CRAIG Things change. Anyway, you gave up your claim to that love the first time you stuck your dick in Maxine. LOTTE You fell in love with her first. CRAIG Yeah but I didn't do anything about it. Out of respect for our marriage. LOTTE You didn't do anything about it out of respect for the fact that she wouldn't let you near her with a ten foot pole, which is, by the way, about nine feet, nine inches off the mark anyway. CRAIG (beat) That's true. Oh, God, Lotte, what have I become? My wife in a cage with a monkey. A gun in my hand. Betrayal in my heart. LOTTE Maybe this is what you've always been, Craig, you just never faced it before. CRAIG Perhaps you're right. I can't let you go though. Too much has happened. You're my ace in the hole. LOTTE I need a shower. CRAIG I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry. I'm some kind of monster. I'm the guy you read about in the paper and go, "he's some kind of monster." LOTTE You're not a monster, Craig. Just a confused man. CRAIG I love you so much. She dials her phone, opens her cage, puts phone to her ear. CRAIG (CONT'D) But I gotta go now. I've got to go be Johnny. MAXINE (O.S.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone... LOTTE We have to meet. MAXINE One hour. Craig hangs up, tapes Lotte's mouth. CRAIG I'll tell you all about it when I get home. Craig exits. Lotte fiddles with the ropes on her hands Elijah, slumped in the corner of the cage, blankly watches her moving hands. Suddenly his eyes narrow. Something is going on in his brain. We move slowly into his eyes. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. JUNGLE - DAY It is a memory: blurry and overexposed, the color washed out. We see a weathered wooden sign which reads "Africa." The sound of running feet, huffing frantic breathing. We watch from up in a tree (Elijah's POV) as two men in safari suits chase a couple of chimps across the jungle floor. The chimps are screaming as the safari men tackle them and tie them up. The safari men laugh. SAFARI MAN Well, there monkeys ain't going nowhere. Let's get us a couple a brews 'fore the boss comes back... The safari men leave the chimps on the ground. We descend from the trees to the ground next to the bound chimps. One of the chimps looks at the camera. He grunts and squeals. CHIMP ONE (DUBBED VOICE) Son, untie your mother and me! Quickly! Before the great bald chimp-men return. A small pair of chimp hands enter into the frame and struggle to untie the ropes, but to no avail. Chimp two speaks. CHIMP TWO (DUBBED VOICE) Hurry, Elijah! SAFARI MAN Why you little bastard! Elijah is wrestled to the ground amidst much screaming. DISSOLVE TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - DAY Elijah shakes off the memory and looks determinedly at the ropes on Lotte's hands. He attempts to untie the knot. He works furiously and succeeds. Lotte pulls the tape from her mouth. LOTTE Oh, Elijah, you are magnificent! Elijah beams and screams for ecstatic joy. Lotte unlocks the cage, and dials the phone. LOTTE Maxine! Listen: It hasn't been me in John the last three times. Craig's had me locked up in the apartment. He made me call you at gunpoint. It's been him! Oh, God, it's been him! MAXINE (O.S.) (beat, calmly) Really? Well, you know, he's quite good. I'm surprised. Anyway, I have a session with Malkovich I have to attend. I'll speak with you soon. LOTTE But Maxine, I thought it was me you loved. MAXINE (O.S.) I thought so too, doll. I guess we were mistaken. Maxine hangs up. Lotte, visibly shaken, dials the phone. LOTTE Hello, Dr. Lester? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT The doorbell rings. Malkovich answers it. Maxine stands there, dressed in an evening gown. MALKOVICH Come on in. MAXINE I can explain about the portal, darling. MALKOVICH Don't con me, Maxine. We're over. I just let you up here to tell you that, and to tell you that I'm taking you and Schwartz to court. MAXINE Oh shut up. (beat) Craig, darling are you in there? Malkovich tenses up, then shakes his head in an awkward, puppet-like manner. When Malkovich speaks, it seems to be against him will. MALKOVICH Yes. How did you know it was me? MAXINE Lotte called me. MALKOVICH Oh, so the bitch escaped. MAXINE Apparently you can control this Malkovich fellow now. MALKOVICH I'm getting better all the time. MAXINE I'll say you are. Let's do it on his kitchen table, then make him eat an omelette off of it. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich) No... damn... you... (as Craig) Oh shut up, you overrated sack of shit. Malkovich begins undressing, and does a lewd bump and grind while looking mortified. Maxine giggles. Malkovich (Craig) laughs wildly. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lester's hand is in a bloody bandage. The juicer sits on hi desk. Lotte sits across from him looking nervous and hollow-eyed. LESTER You know I think it pays to leave juice-making to the trained professionals. You look terrible, my dear. LOTTE Craig stole Maxine from me, Dr. Lester. LESTER Hmmm, a lesbian, are you? I must inform you that I find that highly arousing. LOTTE No, you don't understand. I've been inside Malkovich when I'm with Maxine... LESTER (slaps Lotte furiously) What?! That is not allowed. My God, you are supposed to be one of us. You know you must never partake of Malkovich by yourself! LOTTE No, I didn't know that. LESTER Oh, didn't anyone show you the indoctrination video? LOTTE No. LESTER Oh, sorry. Right this way. CUT TO: INT. SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT Lotte site next to Lester in the darkened auditorium. The projector whirs. The screen lights up. TITLE: SO YOU WANT TO BE JOHN MALKOVICH A much younger Lester addresses the camera in this black and white film, which seems to have been made in the 50's. LESTER ON FILM Welcome, my fellow Malkovichians. As you may already know, today a baby was born into this sad world. We see a shot of a newborn. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) His name is John Horatio Hannibal Malkovich. And we are the keepers of the door to his soul. One day, when his brain is big enough, we will all journey into his head and live there for all eternity. Following the teachings of our leader Karl Marx, we will build the ultimate communist community, one body and hundreds, maybe thousands, of brains inside working together to form a super human intellect capable of curing disease, stopping all war, and ruling the world with a benevolent fist. We will take a wife, a woman of uncommon beauty and intellect, who is, as yet, still an infant herself. We see a photo of another infant, this one with a ribbon in her hair. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) Her name is Floris Horatia Hannibella DeMent. LOTTE Does Floris know that she's the chosen? LESTER Well, I tried to explain it to her, but... Lester points to his ear and shrugs. CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine lie naked on the bed, looking quite relaxed. MAXINE You still there, sweets? MALKOVICH Yeah. I've figured out how to hold on as long as I want. Oddly enough, it's all in the wrists. MAXINE Wow. (little girl pout) Do a puppet show for me, Craig honey. MALKOVICH You mean with Malkovich? MAXINE I'd love to see your work. MALKOVICH (pleased) Really? Yeah. Okay. Malkovich leans over and kisses her, then gets up. MALKOVICH (CONT'D) I'll do something I call "Craig's Dance of Despair and Disillusionment." Malkovich performs the same dance that the Craig pupper did at the beginning of the film. It is exactly the same, complete with impossible somersaults and perspiring brow. He finishes by falling to his knees and weeping. MAXINE (moved) That was incredible. You're brilliant! MALKOVICH You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing with dolls. MAXINE You're right, my darling, it's so much more. It's playing with people! Malkovich kisses Maxine. She snuggles close to him. MAXINE Stay in him forever? MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, screaming) No! (as Craig, calmly) But how will we make a living, my love, if our clientele doesn't have access to our product? MAXINE Well, we'll have all the money in Malkovich's bank account, plus he still gets acting work occasionally. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, breaking through) No! Please! (as Craig, to Malkovich) Shut up, will you? We're trying to think here. (to Maxine) It is sort of like being a puppeteer. I like that about it. MAXINE No one would ever have to know its not him. MALKOVICH (an idea) Wait a minute! What if everybody knew? What if we presented Malkovich as the world's most complicated puppet and me as the only puppeteer sophisticated enough to work him? We'd wipe the floor with the Great Mantini! MAXINE Oh, Craiggy, that's brilliant! CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S SHRINE ROOM - NIGHT The worshippers are assembled. Lotte stands before them. LOTTE I have sinned, unwittingly, against the community. And for this I am truly sorry. MAN #2 W-w-what's it like on the inside? LOTTE Oh, it's glorious. It's indescribable. MAN #2 Oooh, I wanna go. I wanna go. I say it's time. LESTER Perhaps you're right, Terry. We're all prepared, and perhaps this Schwartz fellow is forcing our hand a bit. We will enter the portal tonight! Everyone cheers. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich are furiously filling the portal with cement. Suddenly Malkovich stops and runs to the office door screaming a bloodcurdling scream. He stops just as suddenly, begins to strangle himself. MALKOVICH (Craig to Malkovich) Shut up! (to Maxine) Sorry, dear, I lost control for a minute. MAXINE (kissing him) It's okay, my sweet. They go back to filling the portal. There is the sound of many shuffling feet in the hallway. The door flies open and the Malkovichians led by Lester and Lotte burst in. Malkovich and Maxine turn with a start. LESTER Aaaahhhh, the portal! LOTTE (to Malkovich) You bastard! Lotte lunges for Malkovich. Lester grabs her arm, holds her back. LESTER No! Don't harm the vessel! LOTTE It's Craig in there, I can tell. LESTER I understand, but we must protect the vessel at all costs. (to Malkovich) Please, Craig, please step aside and allow us to have what is rightfully ours. CRAIG Squatter's rights, Lester. Craig laughs somewhat maniacally. Maxine slips her arm through Craig's, joins him in his laughter, and glances triumphantly over at Lotte. MAXINE Now excuse us, we have an entertainment legend to create. LESTER (to the cult members) Clear the way for them, my friends. They will be dealt with in due time. The Malkovichians grumble and let Malkovich and Maxine exit. LESTER (CONT'D) Now, let's see what we can do to salvage this portal... for the sake of all that is good. The Malkovichians converge on the sealed portal, and begin clawing desperately at the quick-drying cement. Fingers are scraped raw, and we see smears of blood and skin on the rough gray surface. CUT TO: INT. AGENT'S OFFICE - DAY A slick-looking agent answers a buzzing phone. AGENT Of course, send him right in. Don't ever keep him waiting again. Do you understand? Malkovich and Maxine enter. The agent stands, holds out his hand. AGENT (CONT'D) John! Great to see you! Sorry about the cunt at reception. MALKOVICH This is my fiancee Maxine. The agent shakes Maxine's hand. AGENT Great to see you, Maxine. Sorry about the cunt at reception. Please have a seat. Malkovich and Maxine sit. AGENT (CONT'D) Can I get you anything? Coffee? Water? MAXINE No thanks. AGENT (into phone) Teresa, get me a chicken soup. (to Malkovich and Maxine) Chicken soup? Maxine and Malkovich shake their heads "no." MALKOVICH I'll get right to the point, Larry. I'm a puppet now... AGENT Okay. MALKOVICH I'm being controlled by the world's greatest puppeteer, Craig Schwartz... AGENT (no clue) Oh yeah, he's good. MALKOVICH ... and I want to show off his skills by performing a one-puppet extravaganza in Reno. MAXINE Vegas. MALKOVICH Vegas. Can you arrange that? AGENT Sure, sure. Just let me

pot

How many times the word 'pot' appears in the text?

CRAIG What's that? LOTTE (beat) Us, of course. Craig looks up from his packing. He and Lotte stare at each other for a long while. CRAIG (tenderly) Oh, Lot... They hug. CRAIG (CONT'D) What about Maxine? LOTTE Fuck Maxine. CRAIG We wish. They look at each other and laugh, them fall back into the embrace. They both get faraway looks in their eyes. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S GARAGE - NIGHT The clock reads 3:00 AM. Craig, in his pajamas, is working the Craig and Maxine puppets. They make love on the bare puppet stage. Craig seems possessed. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS The phone rings. Maxine sleepily picks it up. MAXINE Yes? LOTTE (O.S.) I have to see you. Can you call him and invite us over? MAXINE When? LOTTE (O.S.) Give me one hour to get inside him Exactly. Maxine checks her alarm clock. The time is 3:11 AM. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S CAR - NIGHT Lotte drives. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - A BIT LATER The doorbell rings. Maxine, in a sheer black nightgown, answers it. John Malkovich stands there. MAXINE Thanks so much for coming over. MALKOVICH Oh, I'm really glad you called. Maxine gestures for him to enter. As Malkovich passes by her, she checks the wall clock. The time is 3:50. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lotte sits on the floor in the dark. She leans, out of breath, against the wall next to the portal and checks her watch. The time is 4:10. She pulls open the door. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich sit a bit awkwardly next to each other on the couch. MAXINE So, do you enjoy being an actor? MALKOVICH Oh sure. It's very rewarding... The digital clock on the VCR clicks over to 4:11 AM. Maxine's look softens, and she kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. He seems surprised, but quickly warms to it. We shift top Malkovich's POV as Maxine begins to unbutton Malkovich's shirt. LOTTE (V.O.) Oh my darling. Oh my sweetheart. MAXINE I love you, Lotte. LOTTE (V.O.) Maxine... MALKOVICH (stopping) I'm sorry, did you just call me "Lotte"? MAXINE Do you mind? MALKOVICH (thinking) No, I guess not. I'm an actor. They get back to it. MAXINE Oh, my sweet, beautiful Lotte. MALKOVICH (thinks he's playing along) Yes, Maxine, yes. LOTTE (V.O.) This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT A sweaty and spent Craig sneaks back into the bedroom. He sees that the bed is empty. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT With a gasp and a wail of release, Lotte pops into the ditch. She is soaking wet and breathes heavily. She just lies there. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S KITCHEN - MORNING Craig is hunched over a cup of coffee. The front door can be heard to open. After a moment Lotte appears in the kitchen doorway. She is caked with dirt. Craig looks up at her. CRAIG You were him last night, weren't you? LOTTE (quietly) Yes. CRAIG And he was with her. LOTTE We love her, Craig. I'm sorry. CRAIG We? LOTTE Me and John. CRAIG Don't forget me. LOTTE Well, you have the Maxine action figure to play with. Craig looks down at his coffee. LOTTE (CONT'D) I'm sorry. That was nasty. CRAIG Life is confusing, isn't it? LOTTE Sometimes we're forced to make hard decisions. (beat) I'd like for us to stay together, Craig. You know, platonically, if that's possible. I truly value our friendship. CRAIG I feel that somehow my parents never prepared me to make this particular decision. Not that I blame them. How could they know? Today's world is so complicated. (beat) No. I have to go away now. I'm sorry, Lotte. I'm so sorry. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - MORNING Craig enters with red-rimmed eyes. Maxine sits at her desk, actually looking kind of radiant. MAXINE You're late. CRAIG Are you torturing me on purpose? MAXINE (matter of fact) I've fallen in love. CRAIG I don't think so. I've fallen in love. This is what people who've fallen in love look like. MAXINE You picked the unrequited variety. Very bad for the skin. CRAIG You're evil, Maxine. MAXINE Do you have any idea what its like to have two people look at you with total lust and devotion through the same pair of eyes? No I don't suppose you would. It's quite a thrill, Craig. Craig turns and walks out the door. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY 7 1/2 FLOOR - CONTINUOUS Craig hurries past a long line of fat people, all looking eager, all clutching cash. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - MORNING Lester sits at his desk. The intercom buzzes. LESTER (depressing switch) Yes, my dear? FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Someone names A Lot of Warts on line two. LESTER Thank you, Floris. FLORIS (O.S.) (intercom voice) Think, Jew florist? LESTER (pressing line 2) Good morning, Lotte! LOTTE (O.S.) Dr. Lester, everything's falling apart. CUT TO: INT. GUN SHOP - MORNING Craig is at the counter buying a pistol. CUT TO: INT. JUICY-JUICE JUICE BAR - MORNING Lester and Lotte sit at a table. They both have really large glasses of carrot juice in front of them. LOTTE I blew it, Dr. Lester. LESTER You followed your heart, my child, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. LOTTE But now we've lost access to Craig. LESTER (laughs) My child, I don't think its a great mystery what Craig's up to. CUT TO: CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY Craig stands still and tense, with gun in hand. We hear the front door unlock. Lotte enters. She does not see Craig. He grabs her from behind as she passes. Lotte screams. Craig holds the gun to her head. LOTTE I'm your Goddamn wife. Once you vowed to cherish me forever. Now you hold a gun to my head? CRAIG Yeah, well welcome to the nineties. LOTTE Suck my dick! CRAIG (slapping her) Shut up! Lotte is stunned. She feels the muzzle against her forehead. She shuts up. Keeping the gun trained on Lotte, Craig dials the phone. He hands the receiver to her. He holds his ear to the receiver also. CRAIG (CONT'D) Tell her you need to see her. LOTTE (to Craig) You bastard. Craig cocks the pistol. MAXINE (V.O.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone else can be. LOTTE (looking at Craig) I have to see you. MAXINE (V.O.) Sweetie! Oh, but we can't. It's business hours. I need to keep the membranous tunnel open for paying customers. CRAIG (sotto) Tell her, what the hell, close early today, live dangerously. LOTTE What the hell, darling. Close early today, live dangerously. MAXINE (V.O.) Oooh, doll. I love this new devil-may-care side of you. Alrighty, I'll track down Lover-boy, and I'll see both of you in one hour. Exactamundo. Maxine hangs up. Lotte hands the phone to Craig, who hangs it up. Craig opens up the big cage where Elijah is housed, and motions with the gun for Lotte to enter. LOTTE (screaming) Help! He's locking me in a cage! Craig slaps Lotte hard. She looks at him, almost sadly. NEIGHBOR Shut up! PARROT Shut up! CRAIG Lesson number one: Be careful what you teach your parrot. Craig tapes Lotte's mouth, ties her hands and feet. Elijah watches him tie her. He becomes somewhat agitated, and holds his stomach. CUT TO: INT. BROADHURST THEATER - DAY Malkovich is rehearsing some business on stage. Maxine watches from the house. She anxiously checks her watch, then points to it so Malkovich can see. MALKOVICH Tommy, can I take fifteen? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on the make-up table, against the mirror. MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Oh, sweetie... We now watch the scene from Malkovich's POV. MALKOVICH Maxine... CRAIG (V.O.) I can't believe it. This is too good to be true. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - DAY Craig is toweling himself off, hurriedly combing his hair. Maxine enters. CRAIG You're glowing again. MAXINE A girl has a right to glow if she wants. It's in the fucking constitution. Maxine sits. Craig smiles to himself. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING Craig is feeding the various caged animals. He puts two plates of food in Elijah's cage. Lotte is ungagged and unbound now. She eats as Craig slumps down next to the cage, gun in hand. CRAIG It was lovely being you being Malkovich, my dear. I'd never seen the passionate side of sweet Maxine before, or her actual tits for that matter. If only, I've been thinking to myself, if only I could actually feel what Malkovich feels, rather than just see what he sees... And then, dare I say it, if only I could control his arms, his legs, his pelvis, and make them do my bidding. LOTTE It'll never happen, fuckface. CRAIG Ah, but you're forgetting one thing, Lambchop. LOTTE What's that? CRAIG I'm a puppeteer. Craig picks up the phone and dials. He smiles as he holds the receiver up to Lotte's face. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on Maxine's couch. MAXINE Lotte, this is so good... CRAIG (V.O.) (tense, commanding) Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Malkovich clumsily, awkwardly moves his hand across Maxine's breast. CRAIG (V.O.) (CONT'D) Holy shit, yes! MALKOVICH Holy shit, yes! CRAIG (V.O.) Holy shit! He said what I said! MALKOVICH Holy shit! He said what I said! MAXINE Lotte? Is that you? CRAIG (V.O.) Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! MALKOVICH Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! (scared) What the fuck is going on? I'm not talking. This is not me! MAXINE Oh, Lotte... Maxine kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. There is a sucking sound. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - NIGHT There is a pop and Craig lands in the ditch. CUT TO: INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT A panicked Malkovich is pulling on his clothes. MALKOVICH Something was making me talk. Some Goddamn thing was making me move. I gotta get out of here. MAXINE Oh, Dollface, it was just your passion for me taking hold. MALKOVICH No, Dollface, I know what my passion taking hold feels like. I gotta go. He leaves. Maxine falls back on the couch and sighs contentedly. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT A wet, mess Craig sits next to Lotte's cage. Lotte is bound and gagged. CRAIG I did it, sweetie. I moved his arm across your girlfriend's glorious tit. I made him talk. And, oh, there was the beginning of sensation in the fingertips. Ummmm-mmmm! It's just a matter of practice before Malkovich becomes nothing more than another puppet hanging next to my worktable. Coffee? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Malkovich paces nervously, a glass of whisky in his hand. Kevin Bacon sits on the couch and fiddles with a Rubic's Cube. MALKOVICH It's like nothing I've ever felt before. I think I'm going crazy. KEVIN BACON I'm sure you're not going crazy. MALKOVICH Kevin, I'm telling you... it was like nothing I've... KEVIN BACON Yeah yeah yeah. Yadda yadda yadda. Were you stoned? MALKOVICH Yes, but you see, someone else was talking through my mouth. KEVIN BACON You were stoned. Case closed. End of story. How hot is this babe? MALKOVICH I think it might've been this Lotte woman talking through me. Maxine likes to call me Lotte. KEVIN BACON Ouch. Now that's hot. She's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover. Let me know when you're done with her. This is my type of chick. MALKOVICH I'm done with her now. Tonight really creeped me out. KEVIN BACON You're crazy to let go of a chick who calls you Lotte. I tell you that as a friend. MALKOVICH I don't know anything about her. What if she's some sort of witch or something? KEVIN BACON All the better. Hey, Hot Lesbian Witches, next Geraldo, buddy boy. Ha ha ha. MALKOVICH I gotta know the truth, Kevin. KEVIN BACON The truth is for suckers, Johnny-Boy. CUT TO: EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING Malkovich, in a baseball cap and sunglasses, leans against the wall. After a moment, Maxine emerges from the building and walks down the block. Malkovich follows at a safe distance. CUT TO: INT. 7 1/2 FLOOR - MORNING The elevator doors are pried open. It's packed. Maxine and a few other people climb out. The last to emerge is Malkovich. He is astounded by the dimensions of the floor. He turns the corner and sees the long line of crouching fat people. Maxine goes into the office and closes the door. Maxine sees "J.M. Inc." stenciled on the office door. He turns to the first fat man and line. MALKOVICH Excuse me, what type of service does this company provide? FAT MAN You get to be John Malkovich for fifteen minutes. Two hundred clams. MALKOVICH (quietly flipped) I see. FAT MAN No cutting, by the way. Malkovich pounds on the door. FAT MAN (CONT'D) No cutting! Several fat people jump on Malkovich, and start beating him. Craig steps out of the office. CRAIG Hey! Break it up! Break it up! Everybody gets a chance to be... The fat people climb off Malkovich. His glasses and cap have been knocked off and everyone recognizes him. FAT MAN It's him! Oh, we're so sorry Mr. Malkovich! I hope me and my associates from Overeaters Anonymous didn't hurt you too terribly. MALKOVICH (to Craig) Inside. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Craig and Malkovich enter. Maxine looks up, startled, but controlling it. MAXINE Darling! MALKOVICH What the fuck is going on? CRAIG Mr. Malkovich, my name is Craig Schwartz. I can explain. We operate a little business her that... simulates, for our clientele, the experience of... being you, actually. MALKOVICH Simulates? CRAIG Sure, after a fashion. MALKOVICH Let me try. CRAIG You? Why I'm sure it would pale in comparison to the actual experience. MALKOVICH Let me try! MAXINE Let him try. CRAIG Of course, right this way, Mr. Malkovich. Compliments of the house. Craig ushers Malkovich to the portal door, opens it. MALKOVICH (repulsed by the slime) Jesus. Malkovich climbs in. The door closes. CRAIG What happens when a man climbs through his own portal? MAXINE (shrugs) How the hell would I know? I wasn't a philosophy major. CUT TO: INT. MEMBRANOUS TUNNEL - DAY Malkovich crawls through. It's murky. He's tense. Suddenly there is a slurping sound. CUT TO: PSYCHEDELIC MONTAGE We see Malkovich hurtling through different environments. It's scary: giant toads, swirling eddies of garish, colored lights, naked old people pointing and laughing, black velvet clown paintings. CUT TO: INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT Malkovich pops into a chair in a swakn night club. He's wearing a tuxedo. The woman across the table from him is also Malkovich, but in a gown. He looks around the restaurant. Everyone is Malkovich in different clothes. Malkovich is panicked. The girl Malkovich across the table looks at him seductively, winks and talks. GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich looks confused. The Malkovich waiter approaches, pen and pad in hand, ready to take their orders. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich? GIRL MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich. (Turning to Malkovich) Malkovich? Malkovich looks down at the menu. Every item is "Malkovich." He screams: MALKOVICH Malkovich! The waiter jots it down on his pad. WAITER MALKOVICH Malkovich. Malkovich pushes himself away from the table and runs for the exit. He passes the stage where a girl singer Malkovich is singin sensuously into the microphone. She is backed by a '40's style big band of Malkoviches. SINGING MALKOVICH Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich... Malkovich flies through the back door. CUT TO: EXT. DITCH - DAY Malkovich lands with a thud in the ditch. Craig is waiting there with his van. On its side is painted "See The World in Malk-O-Vision" followed by a phone number. Malkovich is huddled and shivering and soaking wet. CRAIG So how was it? MALKOVICH That... was... no... simulation. CRAIG I know. I'm sorry... MALKOVICH I have been to the dark side. I have seen a world that no man should ever see. CRAIG Really? For most people it's a rather pleasant experience. What exactly did you... MALKOVICH This portal is mine and must be sealed up forever. For the love of God. CRAIG With all respect, sir, I discovered that portal. Its my livelihood. MALKOVICH It's my head, Schwartz, and I'll see you in court! Malkovich trudges off along the shoulder of the turnpike. CRAIG (calling after him) And who's to say I won't be seeing what you're seeing... in court? Cars whiz by Malkovich. Someone yells from a passing car. MOTORIST Hey, Malkovich! Think fast! Malkovich looks up. A beer can comes flying out of the car and hits him on the head. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Craig is feeding the animals. His gun is stuck in his pants. He gets to Lotte's cage. She is bound but ungagged. She looks haggard. LOTTE Once this was a relationship based on love. Now you have me in a cage with a monkey and a gun to my head. CRAIG Things change. Anyway, you gave up your claim to that love the first time you stuck your dick in Maxine. LOTTE You fell in love with her first. CRAIG Yeah but I didn't do anything about it. Out of respect for our marriage. LOTTE You didn't do anything about it out of respect for the fact that she wouldn't let you near her with a ten foot pole, which is, by the way, about nine feet, nine inches off the mark anyway. CRAIG (beat) That's true. Oh, God, Lotte, what have I become? My wife in a cage with a monkey. A gun in my hand. Betrayal in my heart. LOTTE Maybe this is what you've always been, Craig, you just never faced it before. CRAIG Perhaps you're right. I can't let you go though. Too much has happened. You're my ace in the hole. LOTTE I need a shower. CRAIG I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry. I'm some kind of monster. I'm the guy you read about in the paper and go, "he's some kind of monster." LOTTE You're not a monster, Craig. Just a confused man. CRAIG I love you so much. She dials her phone, opens her cage, puts phone to her ear. CRAIG (CONT'D) But I gotta go now. I've got to go be Johnny. MAXINE (O.S.) J.M. Inc. Be all that someone... LOTTE We have to meet. MAXINE One hour. Craig hangs up, tapes Lotte's mouth. CRAIG I'll tell you all about it when I get home. Craig exits. Lotte fiddles with the ropes on her hands Elijah, slumped in the corner of the cage, blankly watches her moving hands. Suddenly his eyes narrow. Something is going on in his brain. We move slowly into his eyes. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. JUNGLE - DAY It is a memory: blurry and overexposed, the color washed out. We see a weathered wooden sign which reads "Africa." The sound of running feet, huffing frantic breathing. We watch from up in a tree (Elijah's POV) as two men in safari suits chase a couple of chimps across the jungle floor. The chimps are screaming as the safari men tackle them and tie them up. The safari men laugh. SAFARI MAN Well, there monkeys ain't going nowhere. Let's get us a couple a brews 'fore the boss comes back... The safari men leave the chimps on the ground. We descend from the trees to the ground next to the bound chimps. One of the chimps looks at the camera. He grunts and squeals. CHIMP ONE (DUBBED VOICE) Son, untie your mother and me! Quickly! Before the great bald chimp-men return. A small pair of chimp hands enter into the frame and struggle to untie the ropes, but to no avail. Chimp two speaks. CHIMP TWO (DUBBED VOICE) Hurry, Elijah! SAFARI MAN Why you little bastard! Elijah is wrestled to the ground amidst much screaming. DISSOLVE TO: INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S APARTMENT - DAY Elijah shakes off the memory and looks determinedly at the ropes on Lotte's hands. He attempts to untie the knot. He works furiously and succeeds. Lotte pulls the tape from her mouth. LOTTE Oh, Elijah, you are magnificent! Elijah beams and screams for ecstatic joy. Lotte unlocks the cage, and dials the phone. LOTTE Maxine! Listen: It hasn't been me in John the last three times. Craig's had me locked up in the apartment. He made me call you at gunpoint. It's been him! Oh, God, it's been him! MAXINE (O.S.) (beat, calmly) Really? Well, you know, he's quite good. I'm surprised. Anyway, I have a session with Malkovich I have to attend. I'll speak with you soon. LOTTE But Maxine, I thought it was me you loved. MAXINE (O.S.) I thought so too, doll. I guess we were mistaken. Maxine hangs up. Lotte, visibly shaken, dials the phone. LOTTE Hello, Dr. Lester? CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT The doorbell rings. Malkovich answers it. Maxine stands there, dressed in an evening gown. MALKOVICH Come on in. MAXINE I can explain about the portal, darling. MALKOVICH Don't con me, Maxine. We're over. I just let you up here to tell you that, and to tell you that I'm taking you and Schwartz to court. MAXINE Oh shut up. (beat) Craig, darling are you in there? Malkovich tenses up, then shakes his head in an awkward, puppet-like manner. When Malkovich speaks, it seems to be against him will. MALKOVICH Yes. How did you know it was me? MAXINE Lotte called me. MALKOVICH Oh, so the bitch escaped. MAXINE Apparently you can control this Malkovich fellow now. MALKOVICH I'm getting better all the time. MAXINE I'll say you are. Let's do it on his kitchen table, then make him eat an omelette off of it. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich) No... damn... you... (as Craig) Oh shut up, you overrated sack of shit. Malkovich begins undressing, and does a lewd bump and grind while looking mortified. Maxine giggles. Malkovich (Craig) laughs wildly. CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - NIGHT Lester's hand is in a bloody bandage. The juicer sits on hi desk. Lotte sits across from him looking nervous and hollow-eyed. LESTER You know I think it pays to leave juice-making to the trained professionals. You look terrible, my dear. LOTTE Craig stole Maxine from me, Dr. Lester. LESTER Hmmm, a lesbian, are you? I must inform you that I find that highly arousing. LOTTE No, you don't understand. I've been inside Malkovich when I'm with Maxine... LESTER (slaps Lotte furiously) What?! That is not allowed. My God, you are supposed to be one of us. You know you must never partake of Malkovich by yourself! LOTTE No, I didn't know that. LESTER Oh, didn't anyone show you the indoctrination video? LOTTE No. LESTER Oh, sorry. Right this way. CUT TO: INT. SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT Lotte site next to Lester in the darkened auditorium. The projector whirs. The screen lights up. TITLE: SO YOU WANT TO BE JOHN MALKOVICH A much younger Lester addresses the camera in this black and white film, which seems to have been made in the 50's. LESTER ON FILM Welcome, my fellow Malkovichians. As you may already know, today a baby was born into this sad world. We see a shot of a newborn. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) His name is John Horatio Hannibal Malkovich. And we are the keepers of the door to his soul. One day, when his brain is big enough, we will all journey into his head and live there for all eternity. Following the teachings of our leader Karl Marx, we will build the ultimate communist community, one body and hundreds, maybe thousands, of brains inside working together to form a super human intellect capable of curing disease, stopping all war, and ruling the world with a benevolent fist. We will take a wife, a woman of uncommon beauty and intellect, who is, as yet, still an infant herself. We see a photo of another infant, this one with a ribbon in her hair. LESTER ON FILM (CONT'D) Her name is Floris Horatia Hannibella DeMent. LOTTE Does Floris know that she's the chosen? LESTER Well, I tried to explain it to her, but... Lester points to his ear and shrugs. CUT TO: INT. MALKOVICH'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Malkovich and Maxine lie naked on the bed, looking quite relaxed. MAXINE You still there, sweets? MALKOVICH Yeah. I've figured out how to hold on as long as I want. Oddly enough, it's all in the wrists. MAXINE Wow. (little girl pout) Do a puppet show for me, Craig honey. MALKOVICH You mean with Malkovich? MAXINE I'd love to see your work. MALKOVICH (pleased) Really? Yeah. Okay. Malkovich leans over and kisses her, then gets up. MALKOVICH (CONT'D) I'll do something I call "Craig's Dance of Despair and Disillusionment." Malkovich performs the same dance that the Craig pupper did at the beginning of the film. It is exactly the same, complete with impossible somersaults and perspiring brow. He finishes by falling to his knees and weeping. MAXINE (moved) That was incredible. You're brilliant! MALKOVICH You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing with dolls. MAXINE You're right, my darling, it's so much more. It's playing with people! Malkovich kisses Maxine. She snuggles close to him. MAXINE Stay in him forever? MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, screaming) No! (as Craig, calmly) But how will we make a living, my love, if our clientele doesn't have access to our product? MAXINE Well, we'll have all the money in Malkovich's bank account, plus he still gets acting work occasionally. MALKOVICH (as Malkovich, breaking through) No! Please! (as Craig, to Malkovich) Shut up, will you? We're trying to think here. (to Maxine) It is sort of like being a puppeteer. I like that about it. MAXINE No one would ever have to know its not him. MALKOVICH (an idea) Wait a minute! What if everybody knew? What if we presented Malkovich as the world's most complicated puppet and me as the only puppeteer sophisticated enough to work him? We'd wipe the floor with the Great Mantini! MAXINE Oh, Craiggy, that's brilliant! CUT TO: INT. LESTER'S SHRINE ROOM - NIGHT The worshippers are assembled. Lotte stands before them. LOTTE I have sinned, unwittingly, against the community. And for this I am truly sorry. MAN #2 W-w-what's it like on the inside? LOTTE Oh, it's glorious. It's indescribable. MAN #2 Oooh, I wanna go. I wanna go. I say it's time. LESTER Perhaps you're right, Terry. We're all prepared, and perhaps this Schwartz fellow is forcing our hand a bit. We will enter the portal tonight! Everyone cheers. CUT TO: INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Maxine and Malkovich are furiously filling the portal with cement. Suddenly Malkovich stops and runs to the office door screaming a bloodcurdling scream. He stops just as suddenly, begins to strangle himself. MALKOVICH (Craig to Malkovich) Shut up! (to Maxine) Sorry, dear, I lost control for a minute. MAXINE (kissing him) It's okay, my sweet. They go back to filling the portal. There is the sound of many shuffling feet in the hallway. The door flies open and the Malkovichians led by Lester and Lotte burst in. Malkovich and Maxine turn with a start. LESTER Aaaahhhh, the portal! LOTTE (to Malkovich) You bastard! Lotte lunges for Malkovich. Lester grabs her arm, holds her back. LESTER No! Don't harm the vessel! LOTTE It's Craig in there, I can tell. LESTER I understand, but we must protect the vessel at all costs. (to Malkovich) Please, Craig, please step aside and allow us to have what is rightfully ours. CRAIG Squatter's rights, Lester. Craig laughs somewhat maniacally. Maxine slips her arm through Craig's, joins him in his laughter, and glances triumphantly over at Lotte. MAXINE Now excuse us, we have an entertainment legend to create. LESTER (to the cult members) Clear the way for them, my friends. They will be dealt with in due time. The Malkovichians grumble and let Malkovich and Maxine exit. LESTER (CONT'D) Now, let's see what we can do to salvage this portal... for the sake of all that is good. The Malkovichians converge on the sealed portal, and begin clawing desperately at the quick-drying cement. Fingers are scraped raw, and we see smears of blood and skin on the rough gray surface. CUT TO: INT. AGENT'S OFFICE - DAY A slick-looking agent answers a buzzing phone. AGENT Of course, send him right in. Don't ever keep him waiting again. Do you understand? Malkovich and Maxine enter. The agent stands, holds out his hand. AGENT (CONT'D) John! Great to see you! Sorry about the cunt at reception. MALKOVICH This is my fiancee Maxine. The agent shakes Maxine's hand. AGENT Great to see you, Maxine. Sorry about the cunt at reception. Please have a seat. Malkovich and Maxine sit. AGENT (CONT'D) Can I get you anything? Coffee? Water? MAXINE No thanks. AGENT (into phone) Teresa, get me a chicken soup. (to Malkovich and Maxine) Chicken soup? Maxine and Malkovich shake their heads "no." MALKOVICH I'll get right to the point, Larry. I'm a puppet now... AGENT Okay. MALKOVICH I'm being controlled by the world's greatest puppeteer, Craig Schwartz... AGENT (no clue) Oh yeah, he's good. MALKOVICH ... and I want to show off his skills by performing a one-puppet extravaganza in Reno. MAXINE Vegas. MALKOVICH Vegas. Can you arrange that? AGENT Sure, sure. Just let me

fallen

How many times the word 'fallen' appears in the text?